FREAKIN GENSOKYO
by SKOOLATOON
Summary: A blatant self-insert wound up in Gensokyo because reasons. Now, armed with only mediocre wit, and mundane tools, he must find the means to not get completely destroyed by the friendly locals! In doing so, he winds up involved in strangely unfitting incidents because I'm bad at writing fanfiction! If you're here you're probably bored anyway, so why not stop by for the fluffmania?
1. Hello, brave new world!

**FREAKIN GENSOKYO**

(A greedy self-insert fanfic where I run around Gensokyo like an asshole! Heyoo~!)

Brad woke up in Gensokyo with a jolt, sitting up immediately.

Dressed in sweatpants and a basic light-blue shirt, he looked like a freakin' generic outsidey man. Other details included curly-ass, dishwater-blonde Danny-sexbang-esque hair, except with more grease, and blue eyes! Oh yeah, he was tall too.

"Shiieeut, I'm in a fanfic!" He shouted, staring at his hands. "Now that I'm here, what uh… what do I do exactly? I don't necessarily got any uh, powers or the likes…"

Lying next to him was his NERF sword, a NERF maverick blaster, and a leather boot with a string attached to it.

Snorting, he nodded warmly at the foam sword. "Hah. Nerf sword. Yeah, I'll just cleave some youkai in half with my fucking foam sword."

Following that, he looked at his NERF blaster. "Yeah, hopefully I'll poke their eyes out from like a foot or something."

Finally, he lifted the boot by the string. "...What the fuck am I going to do with this!? Is- is it a flail? What is this!?"

...Pausing, his brows furrowed. "Question is, do I got hammerspace?" He tried to insert the boot…

It didn't fit.

' _Nope._ ' He thought. ' _Oh, I get italic thoughts too! These weren't here in the first draft…! Now I can stop talking aloud to myself so often!_ ' Taking this moment, he gave the sky an appreciative nod and a smile...

...Shaking his head, he _really_ looked around at the sky. ' _I don't have a bloody clue where I am either. I see a mountain… in fact I see multiple things I'd classify as mountains- that doesn't help me!_ '

He was surrounded by trees… many trees.

Glancing up again to reconfirm the sky was still there, he slouched. ' _...No~t like I can read stars, anyway._ '

Pondering the situation, he began to strut around his items. ' _This ain't the forest of magic- there's nothing but a buncha pine trees._ '

For whatever reason, he became reflective. ' _Pine trees… I wonder how many are in Gensokyo anyway? I always liked their aesthet- I need to find some kind of shelter already!_ '

Taking a deep breath, he steeled himself. ' _Alright, no skills, no abilities, and no idea if I'm getting any mechanics. Dunno who knows of my existence, and dunno where the hell I am. Maybe... I'll make a house!... Actually, no- I don't got the tools for that, this ain't Terraria. Hmmm…_ ' He rubbed his chin in thought.

Kneeling down and picking up his valuable and prized belongings, Brad formulated a strategy.

"Alright, game plan, find a cave- there's no caves in Gensokyo aside from probably youkai homes are there." Realization dawned on his face.

"...Jesus fuck, I am a dead man!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Brad stood up, brandishing a stick loosely tied to the boot from before. "Now it really is a flail!"

' _Not that it helps; I don't imagine youkai fear freakin'..._ boots.'

Walking further through the dense brush, he came across a brick wall.

His eyebrows rise at the color. "Ooh…"

' _Nevermind, I think I know exactly where I am. I recognize the color of that brick wall anywhere, even if I can't see outta these trees. I'm not gonna bother finding the front, considering uh…_ '

Brad glanced down at his NERF gear and his boot flail he had equipped, and grinned. ' _...I don't think anyone's gonna be intimidated. Although!_ ' He continued, raising his sword for effect in spite of being completely alone, ' _I don't think youkai prowl these walls, even if they're not often patrolled._ '

Looking around, he saw some sticks and brush and things. "...This is gonna be a freakin' disaster."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Sweet jesus fuck." Brad stared at the mesh of mud, sticks, and twigs he made. "I am a dead man."

Crawling inside of it, he rotated around and stared at the ceiling, the part he really made sure was solid. "Well, it's keepin' the rain- some of it- out! Not so much the everything elses, though!"

...

Then, Brad heard voices outside. "Oh. Maybe I should stop talking to myself like a psychopath for one moment. Shiieut."

Gradually, the voices increased to audible volume.

"...This overgrowth? Oh, yes, it _is_ quite unsightly." A distinctly female voice passed judgment.

"Yes. I want you and Meiling to be rid of it. What even is this, over here?" A different voice came closer to the hut, her soft footsteps increasing as she neared.

Anxiously, Brad began grinning widely...

Fwi~sh. A part of the wall was pulled out, and the clattering of sticks and falling leaves was heard as the quaint little thing- that could barely classify as a hut- toppled down.

...A maid and a little winged mistress stared at Brad, who was standing in a pile of twigs and sticks and stuff.

...Nodding, he gestured down at the parts. "Ah. Welcome to my humble, brick-side abode." Brad both started and concluded his tour with an incredulous grin on his face.

The little winged one stared at him blankly. "...Sakuya, when did this wall start to attract hoboes…?"

Sakuya shook her head. "I've no idea, mistress. Do you wish for me to dispose of him?"

' _Oh shit…!_ '

Brad raised his hands. "Woa~h now! I'm desperately trying to survive, and the last thing I need is to get hopelessly curbstomped by angry europeans!"

The little winged one giggled. "...You know what? Take him to the manor, Sakuya."

Sakuya turned her head towards her, expression dry. "Mistress?"

She simply waved her arm. "Yes, I'm sure already. Go. I'll just be doing a once-over out here on my stroll, and seeing where Meiling got lost along the way." The mistress began walking off.

Sakuya nodded, and stepped up to Brad. "Right this way."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Brad stepped in through the front gates of the Scarlet Devil Mansion for the first time.

Blinking widely, he took in the sights. "...This place is _really_ something else. At least I won't get smeared across the brick wall in the dead of night like I expected…!"

Sakuya glanced over to him, before continuing to lead forward. "Allow me to show you to a room."

' _Man I'm awkward! Not that it matters with her, since she's all formal and stuff… I think._ '

They passed two fairy maids with bright, colorful hair, both of whom were scrubbing a wall with what looked like curtains.

' _Well, no time like the present to drop my social insecurities. Different world, different mask, different Brad!_ '

"That's an intuitive way of cleaning curtains and walls at the same time if I ever saw one!" Amused, he pointed out the fairy's incompetence.

Sakuya huffed. "Please ignore that."

Shi-shi-shink. Knives suddenly found themselves embedded in the foreheads of the fairies.

Pi-Pi~chun! They exploded into mana, the curtains they held dropping to the floor where they once stood.

...Brad stared wearily at the curtains. "O~kay then. I'll... take your word for it."

They came up to-...

Screw it. I'm done with it! Guess who the narrator is!? That's right, me! I'm tired of talking in third person! It just don't feel right with a self-insert friker! It's Brad in the house now, _son!_

The mansions halls're _big_ , let me tell _you_.

We came up to a vacant room, the inside aptly decorated with red walls. Brown and red furniture was present, mainly being a single couch a bed, some totally useful chairs in weird places, and a dresser. It had a red carpet, and u~hm... lots of red. Really red. Holy shit it's so red-

"Please make yourself at home." Sakuya bowed, before closing the door. Oh, cool, just… leave me here. Time for me to partake in generic recreation, yo. Like sitting down and getting up in the same chair repeatedly!

...Actually- maybe let's not do that.

...Curious, I walk up to the door and turn the knob. Locked…? Oh, boy. That's _good_ , dude.

"Gee, thanks." I'm still excited enough to speak aloud to no one! "Good thing I still got... " I felt around my pockets, and pulled out a 3DS! "This, with me!"

...It had nearly full battery, but I had no extra games, and no charger for it. One battery only, man! Iron man mode, iron man mo~de!

"On second thought…" I turned it off instead 'a leavin' it in its normal standby mode. "...I kinda wanna save it."

Puttin' away the 3DS, I lie down on the bed. "Comfy... although a bit generic feeling. I wonder how everyone else's beds feel..."

My first introspective in Gensokyo, yo~! But, anyway… I'm kinda curious as to how everyone else's beds feel. Crazy, I know, but what were their preferences persay? I liked to imagine Remilia- yeah I know her name, I know where I am too- sleeps in a big, soft bed, while Sakuya might have something stiffer- or equally as soft, depending. It's interesting.

Whelp, that's enough cringey reflection! Not like anyone can read my thoughts anyway. That'd be freakin' stupid…

I'm lookin' at _you…!_ The invisible audience phenomenon is fun.

Bolting off the bed, I power walk up to the dresser. "Time to see what outfits I can loot!" Opening it up, I find…

"...Dresses, bras, and panties, all of the generic variety. Probably for the fairy maids. Wouldn't do a lot of good in my hands…" Maybe it'd be a good idea if I stopped talking out loud. Should probably save my breath…!

I go back and sit down on the bed.

…

 _Damn_ I'm bored. About five minutes probably passed before I decided to get up and do something stupid.

"I am going to make the device!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I've daisy-chained the panties onto the boot by weaving the edges into knots with each other, and feeding the boot string through a rip I made on one pair. Thus, I've extended the flail's range!... With undergarments!

Excited, I raise it up! "I have made the device!"

The door opened up, and Sakuya walked in. Oh, good. "Hello. Mistress has-..."

She blankly gazes at me holding the boot by a rope made of panties.

I grin back at her. Oh, man, I am fucked.

"...Just follow me." Sakuya dryly stepped out of the room, leaving the door open behind her.

Following her, I walk down the hallway. The fairy maids took odd glances at the panty-rope- which I've flung onto my shoulder for convenience. Or, maybe they're just glancin' at me 'cause I'm a weird outsidey person. I dunno, they don't seem too bright to be real wit'cha...

After what had to have been two minutes of walking- which I'm sure can't be right but whatever- Sakuya and I reached the mistress's chamber.

With a smooth motion, Sakuya pried the large double door open-

Creaa~k. This is hype…! "Go right on ahead." Sakuya held the door open for me!

"Thanks." I awkwardly reply, entering the room. Man- my voice box can go _fuck_ itself.

Inside, the room was freakin' big. About as big as the front lobby… which I don't think you guys got to see, so I'll just say it's abou~t… yay high? Oh right, you can't see me move my-

Ahead of me, Remilia Scarlet sat leisurely upon her throne, kicking a single leg gently as she gazed upon my form seriously for the first time. "Well, well, well… glad you could make it." In her free arm, she holds a wine glass. Her other arm is used to prop her head up as she leans to the side.

The room itself had massive pillars to the sides, as well as some potted plants hanging from various sections of the walls, down curiously low. Remilia's throne itself had to be gold or brass or some fancy shmancy shit...

I smile, and walk forward a bit. There's no tables or chairs nearby, so that'd have to do. Do I bow? I- well, Remi's a western vampire, so-

"What brings you to Gensokyo?" She asks, brow raised, and vine glass moving towards her lips.

Oh, man, this is unreal. "I~... dunno. I just kinda woke up here. I'm pretty excited about this all- but a bit terrified because, uh... I've not anything to defend myself with, to be perfectly honest."

Remilia removed the glass from her lips. "Ah? I see you have a sword though, do you not?"

Pfft. Right. I take it out from the inside of my shirt, before 'sheathing' it by putting it in the back of my collar. "It's uh… it's made of foam. Plastic, rubber, and foam, to be precise."

"...Terrifying." Remilia sarcastically replied, twirling her wine glass idly. She's not impressed, is she? Uhm-

"Ooh, I've also got this!" I take out the NERF maverick blaster.

"...Is that a _gun?_ " Remilia stares at it curiously...

"Kinda. It doesn't fire actual bullets though! Just uh…" I cock it, and fire at the wall.

...Little noise is emitted, as a foam dart fumbles out of the gun and flops pathetically to the floor.

"Fufufu~..." Remilia found that entertaining!

Eheh. I grin. "...I kinda haven't fired it in a awhile." I put the gun back in my pocket, which it barely fits but y'know, it'd have to make do.

Adjusting her posture slightly, Remilia also critiqued something she saw along my shoulder. "You've also obtained… a rope of my servant's undergarments. Care to explain?" She becomes expressionless…!

"Oh. I was really bored." I took the flail-stick-pantyrope-string-boot-thing out fully.

"...What _is_ that?" She finally asks, gaining some furrowed brows…!

"I'm not sure myself. It's a work in progress." I grin objectively. Yeah, objectively! This is what it is!

"...Clearly." Remilia sips her wine.

...Fuck me this meeting's awkward! Nevermind that, though: full force forward!

...I stretch. "Today's been a _da~y_ …"

Remilia snorted. "Has it, now? What were you doing before you came to Gensokyo, anyhow?"

Oh, shit, she knows I'm an outsider. She knew I was one before, but I just realized she knows oh shit…!

Uh- I put my hand to my chin. "I... huh. I~... was on my way to school in my father's car, when suddenly I just woke up on the forest floor here. I'm not sure what happened." Yeah, that's pretty much everything. Oh, and… "Regardless, I was some lazy bum who sat on a computer and played video games all day!" There we go! Perfect!

...Remilia looks disinterested. "Sounds invigorating. Sakuya!" Uhm…

Sakuya appears beside Remilia. "Yes, mistress?"

"Round up some fairy maids. I've got an idea." Remilia smiles. Uhm…?

As they talked, I looked around the room. No real windows to speak of in here, for probably obvious reasons. Just pillars at the edges of the room, really.

I spy some plant hangers at the doorway with plants hanging off them. They're shiny, and well maintained...

This room's floor's also scarlet carpet. Yeah, that's the one thing that'll help me: the carpet being freakin' red. Oh, yeah, there's a chandelier on the ceiling. Victorian design's pretty interesting!

Fairy maids with hair of all colors fly into the room, and circle me almost instantly, chattering up a storm as they do so.

"What's chief want us to do, now…?"

"Get around the human!"

"Well- _yeah_ , but-"

Remilia shouted over them. "Boy! If you defeat this group of fairy maids, I'll allow you to reside in my mansion for the time being!"

Say who what now?

"If you are to fall to my maids at any point…" Remilia smirks brilliantly. "You are still permitted to reside here, but only as their _plaything_." ...What the _fu~ck_.

I drew my boot flail thing. Oh, hell yeah! Fair and balanced matchup! Fair and balanced matchup, son!

Remilia begins counting down. Aw, shit man…! "Prepare yourself in ten… nine…"

I take a deep breath. I heard that helps a lot with preparing for-

"One, go!" Thanks for that, Remilia! Goodbye prep time!

Instantly, a cream-haired fairy maid lunges for me. "Gotcha!" Aah- shit-

I swing my freakin' _boot flail_ down before her-

She leaps back as if that attack woulda actually hurt her. Yo- these fairy maids are actually… very girly! I must be some kinda freakin' _detective_ to figure _that_ out.

With that maid now skittish, I just _bolt_ past her to get out of the gangbang circle before anyone felt like lunging for me. Why didn't anyone else leap at me like she did? Did I just get lucky?

No~w… I'm by Remilia's throne, 'cause I just booked it across the throne room. I'm near the wall now too, though…

"Hey!" The fairies are moving towards me in the linear line, the cream-haired one leading the way.

She glares at me as she bolts towards me far faster than the other fairies. "That wasn't nice!" ...You _serious!?_ It's a brawl, of course it ain't- oh crap she's getting closer!

Panicking as she nears, I just _toss_ the boot flail at her, flinging it wide.

The panty rope catches her by the leg, and she falls forward. "Aah!"

Thud. She fell onto her knees. Yeah, I got her! Temporarily!

Remilia giggles at this. "Fufufu~..."

Maybe if I delay the inevitable long enough, this will end well...

The big double door opens again, but I'm too preoccupied to examine that noise.

Dashing across the room again-... oh.

I just realized, most of the fairy maids aren't even really trying to catch me aside from that cream-haired frik.

As I pass the line of unenthusiastic fairies, this yellow-haired one actually runs at me legitimately! Jesus- this really gets your adrenaline pumping…!

I go for the plant hangers at the front of the lobby. Nearing one 'n' drawing my NERF sword, I hit it really hard-

Thunk! A~nd that achieved nothing.

C'mon, you piece of shit! Jumping up, I grab the plant hanger, and like, I bring up my _entire body_ and curl up in a freakin' ball around the hanger-

 _Chink!_ I broke it-

Thud. I land on my _ass_ and on the plant the hanger was holding, as that yellow frik draws closer.

Saying nothing, she grins widely as she looms over me, but I scramble to get the pot out from under my ass and to jab it into her face as she tries to grapple me-

"Nnh…!?" She's confused and frazzled! Time to get the hell out of dodge!

Running to the side- the plant dropping from my hands and its rope coming undone from the plant hanger- I sprint across the room...

"Smooth move, the~re!" I yell back at her!

Raising the plant hanger, I turn back around. "I've got a plant hanger, and I know how to use it, too!"

This purple-haired fairy maid comes at me next, not looking entirely engaged. She's got her dukes up, though, so I gotta take her seriously…

I can't just swing at her; she might grapple me and that could be it for me. There's… stuff on the line here, isn't there? I don't think I want to be a fairy's plaything!

 _Thunk!_ As she nears, I just up and kick her in the gut. _Fuck_ honor if it means I don't get raped or something.

"Omph…!?" She cringes back, grabbing her stomach. "Wh- what…?"

"Been practicing that shit!" I shout back, like a freakin' caged animal! Anyway- yeah, I like my kicks! I'm also, like, a hundred thirty pounds, so kicking's not _too_ difficult… and I've been practi-

Then-

I'm hugged from behind!? Fuck, no!

"Hehehe~..." This whoever colored haired frik has her arms wrapped around my torso. "He's ki~nda _skinny_ …"

Bringing my leg up 'cause it's not really a bear hug or anything, I stomp on her shoe.

"Oh- _oww~!_ " She lets go! Yehehah!

Adrenaline rushing, I move forward again. That purple haired chick's got her fists up again, but this time she's remaining further back…

"Please…" She frowns. "Let me hit you."

What, no.

She punches towards me, but I decide to be a douchebag and swing my plant hanger at her fist-

 _Clink!_

"Waouch!" She yelled, grasping her knuckle. "Ow~..."

If she's just gonna keep coming back- I rush her on impulse.

 _Thunk!_ With a downward blow, I bring my plant hanger down on her head.

"Anh…" With light protest, the maid falls forward after the blow, unconscious.

...I grin at my results! "Yeah, how's that...?" I'm sweating _buckets_. This has been the fucking… this has been the _only_ fight of my life. When the hell did everything go so wrong!?

...There were a few fairy maids left, but they seemed a margin more interested in me now. One slender one with blue hair leered at me, while another with scarlet hair cracked her knuckles.

I reach for my NERF gun, quickly drawing it. "Eat _lead!_ " I shout, totally _not_ bluffing.

Pap! A pathetic ass dart flew out.

"Ah!" The blue-haired one did an exaggerated leap outta the way after a short delay. Nice job.

The scarlet one rushes me, knowing my bluff. I see her coming, but my body doesn't know what to do. I bring my hanger-wielding arm up, and just… move it-

She hits me in the gut, grinning.

"Egh…" Staggering back, I felt a warm light wash over me as time slowed down.

...What just happened?

"Ahh…?" I look around somewhat awkwardly, but then I bring my hand to my chest. Warm orbs of light gather around and build up around it, and time slowly resumes.

...Huh. So that's what a religious experience feels like. Thank you, whatever applicable god!

I feel like I know what that feel was, too… 'cause I feel _great_ now!

Grinning at the scarlet maid, I sheathe my NERF gun back into my pocket, and lower my hanger arm. "I'm on a whole new _level!_ "

She's still grinning. "We'll have you crying like the little _bitch_ you are." Oh, fuck. That's… while that may be a cheesy line, when someone actually just _says_ that to you…!

Still, I ain't lettin' her boldness deter me…! Continuing with my plan, I just run towards her and jump-

Hoah! That _air-_ I go up by a foot! Then-

I jump _again_ , gaining enough air for her ensuing punch to miss, and for myself to slide in a smooth hit from above-

 _Thunk!_ "Aagh!" Stumbling back, she clutches her head and falls backwards.

Thu-thud. Another one down…

And-

Thud. I fall on my side, landing behind her. Ow, fuck…

...Taking a moment to stand up, I scan the room. No one punished me for falling over, so… oh, hey.

"Hey, pop quiz. How long's it take to beat a moron to death?" I ask the last, platinum-haired fairy maid. Doesn't sound as cool when I say it…! Then again, I ain't from Boston...

...

She pauses, and brings her hand to her chin. She looks around the room in deep contemplation for a few moments, humming to herself occasionally.

Aw. I let this persist for about a minute, looking over at Remilia...

...

Walking around her 'n' coming up behind her, I tap on her shoulder. "Bzzt! Sorry, time's up, you're dead…!"

 _Thunk!_ I clock her across the face, sending her spiralling.

"Really..." Remilia shakes her head, smiling in vague amusement. "How telling."

...All the fairy maids now sat at my feet, as I twirled my plant hanger along my finger- a~nd I dropped it. It's the thought that counts!

Shaking my head, I look over at Remilia and grin! "...I _won, son!_ "

That warm light earlier was me leveling up, I think. It fixed up my wounds and stuff, and I learned to double jump. Yo~.

Remilia claps her hands. "Splendid showing."

There are others here! Patchouli Knowledge, resident magician, looked somewhat curious. "I'm sure we all saw that light. Perhaps he's in command of some magic?"

Sakuya tilts her head. "Rather... unorthodox combat method…" Where the hell's Meiling anyway?

Catchin' my breath, I walk up to them. "So... how was that? Also~... can I uh, keep the plant hanger?"

Smirking, Remilia nodded. "As you wish. They are inexpensive." She sips from her wine glass, for a moment. "It seems to be your most _apt_ weapon of choice."

Heheh. The plant hanger _commando_ , son.

With everything said and done, Remilia turns to Sakuya. "Escort him to his room for the time being, will you?"

Sakuya nods. "As you wish, milady."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The door wasn't locked this time after Sakuya left, but I'm in no big hurry to go exploring the boundless hallways just yet. I dunno if the maids still wanna rape me or not… and I'm not sure whether or not I should just let them. They're not bad looking, lemme be real with ya!

That, and I didn't describe it much before, but they're not childish lookin' fairies, at least not in this manor. They're all either late teens to adult-y, or disproportionately sexy lolis.

After some fiddling, I had the panty-rope tied to the plant hanger. Weapon crafting! This should be marginally more useful!

Now I can just shove my rope into my pocket along with the hanger. My sword's still in my shirt, and my NERF gun's still in my other pocket...

...A bat flew into the room, and perched itself on the ceiling. Huh. "I didn't think this place had bats…" I'll use it as target practice later, I suppose.

The bat stared at me intently as I took some freakin' bras out of the drawer. I'm sure nobody's going to miss generic fairy-garments from a generic guest room…

 _Ri~p!_ I ripped the bra in half, and put the two cups on my shoulders. Hehehaha~!

"There we are." I am satisfied. "Shoulder pads!" They look a little uh… lewd though… I don't think I'll be using these just yet.

I put the bra cups in my pocket, the bat still staring at me.

Outside the door I hear voices start to approach. "...That mean man that beat us up!"

"Definitely! Let's see if he likes surprises…!"

Oh boy. "Ah. Looks like I've got friends over!" I walk over to the dresser, pull out an entire drawer of dresses and just dump them over the floor.

Now then…! I push the sofa over as I hear the door getting banged on.

"Good thing they weren't taught how to _door!_ " I yell out, still pushing the sofa to the door.

"You _freak!_ Get out here so we can play with you!" They're totally rapey all over the manor, now! Thanks a lot, Remilia…!

I finish pushing the sofa. Not in front of the door; _next_ to the door. They'll never see it coming…! "Define 'play'!"

Giggling was heard. "You know what we mean!" Oo~h, only too well.

The door creaks open, as I stand over it, holding a drawer from the dresser.

A maroon-haired fairy maid kicks the door open. "Guys, it's been open this whole time!"

The other fairies groaned, and walked in behind her...

"Come out and pla~y…" This lime-green haired one with pigtails calls out! As they move in, none of them bothered to look to the smaller side of the room...

They all stared at the pile of dresses on the floor, just in the door… when I drop a shelf on them!

Thu- thud! "Wh-what…!? No~!" Outflanked, _son!_

Thud- thud! The two maids at the back of the line that I dropped the shelf on fell forward, into their friends!

"Hey- you idiot…!"

"What happened!?"

Thu- thud. They're fallin' down! "Shit- aah…!"

I ran over the pile, stepping on one's back- "Kyaa~h!" -and ran outside, the bat that invaded the room earlier following me.

"Sorry to jet, but I'm in a hurry!" I call back to them, running down the hallway. I'm such an asshole...

Now to run down the hall and get some random encounters! I am so fucked!

"Alright, this place is pretty much Castlevania: the mansion edition. I've gotta be able to find some awesome crap to keep me from dyin' somewhere…" I talk to myself like a maniac, racing down the hall as some of the fairy maids race out of the door I came outta.

I run down a random array of turns and hallways before I come to a large set of double doors, which seem to be locked.

"Well, with any hope this is an exit… and not an elegantly designed door for another arbitrary part of the mansion!" I cheerfully exclaim to only myself, readying my plant hanger. "Time to do some mining!"

"Stop there, boy!" Oh, fuck. Some new fairy maids run down the hallway after me, from a different hall than the one I came down. Freakin'... lost the first wave, got a new wave. Good.

"Yo!" I call out, readying my plant hanger. "So…! Anyone here keeping track of my heads batted in? I am a skull smasher _machine!_ " I'm trying to intimidate them…!

I inhale as a short, orange-haired fairy maid with a huge rack sprinted towards me, hands outstretched. "C'mere!" Intimidation failed! Abort!

Can't abort, fight fire with fire! I just jump into her arms and hit her in the head-

 _Cla~ng!_

"Aaauu~gh…!" Slowly stepping back, she clutches her head and starts crouching.

Steppin' back, I, ah… huh. Her body stopped me from falling over from my jump, so that went way better than anticipated.

"Don't think you can escape us so easily, boy…" This taller fairy maid with long black hair- who also rolled up- actually bothers to send out danmaku as her opening attack. It's a pale dark grey combined with some blues, and the orbs slowly gravitate around her.

...

I weave past them 'cause they're not moving very fast and they're not coming for me! It's not much harder than dodging kids in the hallway at school every morning!

When I'm in range, she brings up her arms. "Coming directly to me? How _bold_ … and fool-"

 _Clang!_ Promptly, I bring my plant hanger down on her head, dispelling the danmaku. "Freakin'...!"

"Ugh…" Grimacing, the maid stumbles back, her danmaku vanishing. "Fool…" Learn to not mock me when I'm in melee range…!

"No way… he defeated Komi-chan!" The orange-haired maid I hit earlier calls out in surprise!

"Let- let's fall back for now…" That slender blue-haired maid- that I'm pretty sure was in Remilia's throne room- began to back away. I didn't even see her approach…!

The fairy maids run away, leaving me standing there.

"Bo- boy…" 'Komi-chan' stumbles back, moving to retreat. "Remember this. I'll make you _mine_."

I give her the _finger_. "Do it, asshole!" Geesh. Not getting my ass kicked feels good.

Huffing, the maid turns and sprints off…

Man, this mansion's fucking crazy!

...Taking a breath, I turn to that freakin'... _bat_. "A'ight. Bat friend, chances are they'll be back with the nightmarishly difficult special forces squad! I'm gonna need something that _hurts_..." Homemade molotovs? We got alcohol here, right? Aah- fans…? This place has like candles and torches, no electricity, so no…

I turn to the door. "Or I could escape! That works too!"

Reeling my arm back, I hit the door with my plant hanger to be a dick-

Ti~ng! Ah, shit. They put up _magic bullshit_. The worst kind of bullshit. By that, I mean there's a shiny barrier here making sure I can't get in.

"Ah. Makes sense, I'd guess." I go up to the wall and hit it.

Bam! I make a small dent in it. Wait…

Bam! I hit it again!

...You know...

...From there, I spend a good _thirty minutes_ whacking at the wall until I finally make a good hole to the other side. Just fucking _mine through the wall_. Your doors are bad, and you should feel bad!

"Man, Sakuya'd _kill me_ if she saw me literally tearing holes in the wall…" Gettin' that early access! I crawl through the hole, and into the Voile Library...

...Oh, woah. Uhm… okay. This place is bigger than the entire goddamn mansion.

"Wow. How does this even fit? Holy shit..." I look around at the darkness above, no ceiling even in sight. What in the nine fucks.

The bat lands on my shoulder, resting there. What- what _is it_ with you…? Well, this beats eating my face or whatever bats usually do in games. Guess this is a thing now!

...I almost don't want to wander into the library, but it's really not different than being lost in these halls. "Looks like this one's gonna be the long haul…" Finding private Patchy: the freakin' video game.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I've explored the boundless halls of the library. Now I have a chestplate… made from a vase I broke! For some reason, the bat didn't like this very much, nor did the flowers the vase used to hold.

There's no fairies in these shelves though, so it's just been… walking, sightseeing-

Woah. Suddenly, a sorta cherry scent…

I follow the perfumy scent deeper into the bookshelves. Eventually, I find a certain succubus talking with her purple-clad mistress.

I scrunch my nose, unsuccessfully attempting to block out Koakuma's apparent fragrance. If I thought rapist fairies were gonna be bad, fuck…

Well, Koakuma's typically quite reserved in fanon, so I don't think I'll have trouble if I can contain myself. She's… pretty hot, though.

Despite my attempt at stealth, I'm noticed instantly. "Ah, it's you. I've got a job for you, actually." Patchouli turns to me. She glances at the bat on my shoulder...

Glancing the plant hanger, she looks at my eyes again. "You're good with a cast iron, yes?"

Aw, yeah. "You could say that!" I provide, feeling for my plant hanger briefly. Still there in my pocket!

"I need you to retrieve something for me. I want to see if you have the ability to get as far as I'd hope you could." What? Patchouli words things freakin' vaguely.

Tha~t's a weird way of putting it, but alright! "Alri~ght. How ba-a-a-ad could it be?"

A magic circle appeared under my feet. "I'm going to teleport you to the front gate after instructing you about your task. You are to find the home of a black and white witch in the Forest of Magic. I'll give you a personal visionary marker that tells you where you need to go, as well. No need to waste my words on directions."

Is she… just sending me off on a suicide mission? First thing? I- um...

I stare at her incredulously. "...You _sure_ I'm the right man for the job?"

...I mean, at least it's not 'kill ten fairies and shit yourself' or something similar. I might rather it be that, because I can do that, though!

Although, c'mon let's be real here, if a random nobody unimportant to your world showed up, what'd you have 'em do, ah? Do your freakin' laundry? Freakin'...!

Patchouli smiles. "Not at all. I might as well use you, though. Remi's interest in you clearly isn't that deep, so it should be no problem if you were to suddenly disappear. I'm sure you'd rather life beyond these walls than to be mercilessly abused by the fairykind here."

Oh. Cool, thanks.

...She eyed the bat again. "Despite the circumstances that be." What?

Well, anyway… "Thanks for the vote of confidence. What'll I do when I find that witch? Break her kneecaps?" Let's see, get raped by fairies o~r die to Marisa's master spark. Gensokyo's a fucking harder setting than I thought it'd be!

"Well, that, and I need at least six bags of books back." Patchouli gives me a fucking _objective_.

I stare back blankly. "Six bags. I've got two shoulders. I might need a little help here." What is this supposed to be, a bank heist? Give me a van, why don'cha?

Patchouli tosses me a sack. "Hammerspace bag. I have little use for it, and Remi doesn't necessarily use it for anything anymore, so it should be okay for you to have it."

 _Hammerspace!?_ Patchy my _waifu_ you've just done saved my _laifu!_

I start putting _stuff_ into it, so I have less crap adorning me. This is probably going to be- hands down, without a single doubt in my mind- the most useful item I could ever possibly get my hands on. This is my freakin'... like, some self-inserts get vampire powers, some get freakin' speed boosts or cheap workaround mechanics, some are loved and adored by everyone...

Me, my crutch? I got a bag that lets me _horde_. Life's goo~d, my boy!

Patchy meets my gaze again. "Your mission begins now. Don't die too quickly, will you? I'm sort of legitimately hoping you actually get me those books."

Aye aye, Patchy-chan! I'll- woah!

Magic flares up under me-

 _Fwoam_.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

Meiling yawns, staring at the sun high in the sky. "...It's not bad out."

 _Fwoam_.

Stumbling out of the magic circle, I flail my limbs. "Ho~ly shit!" I am indeed outside… and Patchy has not telefragged me! This is a good start! I lost my vase chestplate, though...

"Wahuh!?" Meiling shouts out! "Where'd you come from!?"

I stare straight forward. "I am going on a hero's quest! I shall be back before dawnbreak of the nether year!" Don't care, have hammerspace!

Meiling furrowed her brows. "Say what?"

"Onward!" I march forward, cast iron plant hanger in the air as I march off towards the misty lake. I'll meet you later, Meiling, when I'm not so adrenaline pumped!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I stare at the lake in front of me. I bend down and touch the water with my hand-

"O~kay that's freakin' cold..." I shake my hand dry, the bat wary of the water.

I turn to my bat friend. "Can't swim either, I take it?" The bat opts to stare at me.

Hmm… "Two options. We build a boat and fuckin' tank the entire gods be damned lake, or we have a long walk of shame across the whole lakeside." I explain to the bat.

...It continues to just stare at me.

"Huh, tough crowd tonight. We're going boating!" I race towards the twigs and sticks and crap near the lake.

I pick up some of them. Okay, I've made boats on online games before, this shouldn't be too hard. Time to build a combat ship and sail it, dude!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Sweet jesus fuck."

I stare at the raft, which is an oval-shaped donut comprised of loosely matted together leaves and sticks.

"We're going to die if we actually got this anywhere off-shore." I state plainly. Idly, I reach for the panty rope on my plant hanger...

The bat floats in front of me, staring at the contraption in almost disappointment. I didn't know a bat could look like that!

Nervously, I stand atop the raft… as all of it dissipates into the water except for the two bits I step on. This was a fucking terrible idea! _Who am I!?_

"I am a dead man!" I yell, finding my balance…! I throw the panty-rope forward at the water, but I don't know what I was expecting.

What I didn't expect was for the panty-rope to get caught on the bat.

"Eee~!" It _scree~ches!_ Soarin' forward erratically, the bat's trying to escape the pair 'a panties latched to it! I'm somehow being pulled along, too~!

"No bat is this power- oh shit! Christ!" Holy crap I'm ripping through the water! Aaa~h!

So, yeah. I'm being pulled along by my _shoes_ over the lake's surface by an abnormally strong bat, because I threw a rope of panties over it and it got fucking snagged by a pair.

We soared across the lake, but I was forced to jump to avoid a chunk of ice floating in the lake. Yeah- okay, just fucking glaciers now!?

"Where the fuck is the ecosystem!?" I yell, before skidding off the ice into the water-

 _Splash!_ Still being loosely pulled along by the bat, though! I'm just like, fucking belly surfing! "Holy shi~t!"

We reach the other side before long.

...The bat pulls me out of the shallows as it tries to escape, before actually escaping once I'm rendered immobile by the sand bank we drifted into.

I am _cold_ and _wet_ and _sad_. That was the stupidest shit ever…

 _Bonk._ ...The bat freakin' batters itself against my head. No- fuck you, let me die here.

"He- hey, hey! I tried, okay!?" I yell at it, swatting it gently as I start to get back up. Sweet crunchy Christ...

As I stand, I see a path down the lake's shore a bit. I think we'll be taking that...

After getting onto it, we continue forth down the path ahead of us for a good while. Eventually, it splits into two paths, forcing me to _choose_...

"Hmmm…" I put my hands to my sides and look around. "Let's go left! I like left. I'm actually left handed!" I tell the bat-

 _Bonk._ -which just bashes against my head again. Freakin'... it _understands me_ apparently, which is a thing. Maybe.

"Gee, thanks." I continue walking down the path with the bat…

…

Eventually, we come to stone steps that lead up to a Shinto gate!

"Oh, this place!" It's Reimu's slum! "Now the question is... do I _want to_ visit that place yet?" I put my hand to my chin. "...Actually, Marisa'd be there normally wouldn't she? That's helpful!"

Running up the stairs...

I quickly get tired by the amount of stairs. That's… a lot of stairs. Reimu's gotta be _ripped_.

Once the struggle is over, I reach the top, slowly and wastefully moving excessively as my fatigue catches up with me...

"Jesus fuck... that's some defense system…" I raggedly let out, taking deep breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth…

"Hey, Reimu! You've got a visitor, ze!" Marisa Kirisame sat upon the front steps to the shrine.

The Hakurei shrine maiden walked out, staring at me. "Hmm? What do you want?"

Yeah- I'd like to know if you ordered a large Krusty Krab pizza. "Hey! Yeah, uh, I was tasked with finding a certain Marisa Kirisame?"

...Reimu turned to her friend. "How come the first place people search is my shrine when people want to find you?"

Marisa shrugged, smiling. "Don't ask me, ze."

Woah. That's the poofiest wizard hat I've ever seen, now that I think about it. Anyway- "Yo. I was tasked with finding books! Would you know where any of said books are?"

Marisa shook her head, making her _enormous poofy hat_ jiggle. "Nope!" Oh okay sorry to trouble you.

"I see…" Nodding warmly, I stare at her... "Well, I think you're lying!"

Snorting, Marisa began to stand, lumbering onto her legs. "We~ll… why do _you_ need the books?"

Looking away, I pop a grin before lookin' back at her. "I dunno. I'm on a quest, you see."

Nodding summore, Marisa drew her mini-hakkero. I tense up, 'cause _oh shit my boy_ am I gonna get nuked the fuck outta town if this goes wrong...

"Oo~h? So you know already…" Marisa held her mini-hakkero like one would hold a pocket revolver, smirking knowingly...

She eyed the bat. "You working with that vampire, ze?"

I shrug awkwardly. "Da~h- I wouldn't say with, _persay_. I- aah- I'd say more like 'begrudgingly enslaved.'"

The bat bashed itself against my head again."Yo, cut that out...!" Freakin'...!

At that, Marisa snorted. "You'll just have to catch me, ze!"

Hopping onto her broom, she starts to drift off into the sky gently...

She slips her mini-hakkero onto the back of her broom, between the bristles. "Love Sign! Master Spark!"

VRRRRRRRR _RRRRRR_

Oh my god.

That beam is _terrifying_ in person. Good thing she used it as propulsion and not to freakin' destroy me... because it would'ave. What do you even do to fight that. That laser was as big as like _three of me_.

Massive, bus-sized laser stretching off into the sky.

 _RRRR_ RRRRRrrrr~...

The noise of the amazing technicolor laser began to die down as it ran its course...

She soared off into the distance and- holy shit I just noticed the objective marker Patchouli gave me. Man that's trippy- it's like a green arrow but not at the same time, and it's only there if you look really high up, and-

Reimu sighed. "She can be such a handful sometimes…" She sat down at the front step.

Aw. Cuddly shrine maiden… I walked up next to her and sat down next to her. "Sure sounds like it."

Reimu looks at me blankly. "You don't look like you're from around here."

I shake my head. "I'm really not. ...I'm not _entirely_ certain how I ended up here, but it's more fun than where I was, honestly. And that's saying something, too!"

...

After a quiet moment, Reimu stretches. "Hnn~... If only I was having as much fun as you were here."

Aww…?

Well, then! Wastin' no more time, I get up. "I've gotta go track down that witch and relieve her of some of those stolen goods… by stealing them, again."

Reimu gave me a blunt, deadpan goodbye. "See you later, if you don't die."

I chuckle. I remember when I used phrases like that ironically! "See ya later, Reimu."

Reimu tilts her head at me as I move towards the steps out. Going down's going to be like a breath 'a fresh air compared to going up the stairs...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I enter the forest of magic, glowing particles occasionally swirling through the air. Despite it being day, it's eerily luminous and dark here. I could hear the giggling of fairies and the faint clambering of danmaku bullets somewhere in the distance...

"Huh. Weird place. Wonder if it has any... glowing mushrooms…" I ask myself, glancing around.

I come up to a house. This better be Marisa's place or this is gonna be awkward!

...Alice Margatroid responds, opening the door. "Yes?"

This is gonna be awkward! I wave my hand. "Happen to know where a certain Marisa Kirisam-"

Bam. The door slams.

"Yo, woah no! I'm not here for her! I'm here in _spite_ of her!" I yell back at the door!

...It slowly opens. "Is that so?"

I gesture to the bat on my shoulder. "This ring any bells?" Thank god it hasn't flown away into oblivion and exploded yet!

...Alice opens the door again. "Come on in."

Walkin' inside, I close the door behind me.

Dolls line the high shelves around the house. There's a back counter that stretches the entire back wall, with _stuff_ on it, like cloth, spools, cutting devices, and doll people. The room's also got a central coffee table and some generic wood chairs!

Time ta cut to the chase, yo. "Alright, here's the scoop: I need to take _six bags_ of books back from that Marisa girl, I'm only armed with a cast iron plant hanger and I've got a bat friend." The bat flutters its wings happily.

Alice sips from some tea on the table, apparently having sat down while I was lookin' around. "To put it simply, she'll destroy you."

Ahah. I scratched the back of my head. "Yeah, I saw that laser. It was an experience."

...After a delay, Alice stood up. "It'd be dangerous to let you go alone with something as stupid as… I-I don't even know what to call that…" Alice looked at my plant hanger with a rope of panties tied to it with vague disdain...

Grinning, I nod at it. "Me either. It's a work in progress." I throw it into the hammerspace sack, the rope of panties flowin' on in behind it.

She just gives me a skeptical nod. "Right…" With that, Alice floats over to another room. "Come, follow me."

With Alice in the room ahead of me, I turn to the bat. Freakin'...

Is it me, or do magicians love to float everywhere? I suppose I would too though, so freakin', fair enough...

The bat doesn't seem to react to my stare, opting to stare back at me. Ba~ts.

I walk in after Alice, seeing her place some objects on the table. This seems to be her room...

"Here," she places a doll down, which has an aquamarine, checkered vest. Next to it she lays down a rather elegant looking operating cross. It looks like it's made 'a silver and rubies. "I'm testing to see if I can have others easily operate dolls via streamlined operating crosses like these."

I lift it. It feels comfortable enough to wield… It's about as heavy as the plant hanger.

"Now… You shouldn't be able to do much with it, but you can call up that London doll you see there to assist you in combat. She should just fire a few bullets and retreat." Alice suggests some strategy. What, you mean I can't play it like an old PS2 game…?

I take the moment to look at all the dolls in the room, who are all looking at me. Oo~h...

"I see we've got a lot of friends here!" I always liked plush dolls! These, however… are not plush dolls. They're freakin' _annihilator dolls_.

Alice smiles. "That I do. Speaking of which; do you think you could get say, six more sacks of books?"

Woah say what now. "Who do I look like, the payday gang?" ...Scratch that, I probably _do_ compared to some of Gensokyo's common denizens. "...Well, considering I've got London there giving me coverfire, I might last more than ten seconds."

Alice shrugs innocently. "You know, it'd be the least you could do for me, what with giving you my experimental operating cross and all…"

Hey. I put up my hands. "I never said I disagreed, besides my near-disagreeal!"

...Alice sipped her tea calmly. "Be careful, you. I'm not sure if I could do with someone's death on my conscience."

Nye~h, alright. Taking the operating cross, I store it in my sack… "I'll try, yo." Time to go freakin' impale myself on Marisa's twelve-inch futa _dick_ , yo.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I crawled through the underbrush, coming up to a cozy little shack; the hazy yet crisp forest atmosphere felt weird, but also calming.

Walking up to the door, I decide that I'm clinically retarded. "Better idea..." I looked at the window instead, but yet again reach the conclusion that I am clinically retarded. "Too obvious… and probably booby-trapped."

From there I take one look at the wall… and then pull out my plant hanger. "There we go~." Walls are only delaying the inevitable!

Bam! I started bashing on the wall, but it was somehow made of sturdier stuff than the interior of the mansion. I suppose that's the perks of it being the external walling to the house…

Bam! But still, fuck you, wall! If I can't get inside, I'll leave my calling card in the form of angry dents!

Marisa slams her door open. "What the hell's going on out here, ze!?"

I point my plant hanger at her. "The books! We've come for the books!"

"We?" Quickly, Marisa whips her head around, looking for more people...

"Yeah, we." The bat on my shoulder flutters briefly, as I pull out the operating cross from the sack.

Pressing a button on it, a London doll comes from parts unknown to my side. Yo~! I've got a wing man, dude!

"Oh ho ho! Alice sent you, did she? You're no match for me then, ze!" Giddy, Marisa floats up into the air on her broom…

Crouching down under 'er, I freakin' scramble and dash inside. Get owned!

 _Clack!_ " _Hey!_ " Marisa stomps down behind me, trying to stop my crawl!

I point the London cross at the floor behind me and slam on the diamond-shaped button in the center-

 _Patatat!_ London blocks the way and shoots a small stream of diamond danmaku, forcing Marisa to temporarily stop in her front door… "Hell…" She aims at it!

It's payday, son! It's freakin' payday- how am I gonna do this!? How am I going to quantify bags!? Screw it, down the hatches!

I start scooping random books from various piles into my sack!

Bam- cla- clank, clank! London shatters to pieces against the wall next to me, Marisa having lasered it into oblivion.

"Oh, god! London's in a pickle!" Crouch down I better! Aah-

 _Fwam!_ A blurry white laser roars over my head! Christ!

"Get out of my damn house!" Marisa roars from the doorway, running towards me! Um, shit… wait, pop out from behind table and-

 _Thunk!_

Before Marisa can double back from my movements, I throw myself at her and jab her in the gut with my plant hanger! "Augh…!?" She cringes back!

"Sorry about that! Business as usu- fah…!?"

Marisa has her arm on my arm! "No you fuckin' _don't_ , kid!" Aah-

 _Fwam!_ Laser to the gut!

" _Hua~gh!_ " _Oh my go~d!_ I'm- I'm not bleeding but _damn!_ Ow, ow-

 _Fwam!_ She misses me with another shot, but just barely, wiggling her hand and trying to faze it over me-

 _Clonk!_ The bat intervenes by whapping her in the head! Ow, ow…

While Marisa aims her mini-hakkero at the batling, I work to scoop up books! I'll take the whole fuckin'-

Oh. Bat's back at me, and Marisa looks like she wants to _delete me from the story_ by holding down the fire button fire and wiggling herself around.

 _Why_ did it only hit her once!? I look at the batling. "You! Do the bat things!"

It bashes against my head.

"No!" I alternate between swatting the bat and scooping books into my sack.

"You're fuckin' _dead_ , ze!" Holding a hand to her ribs, she aims her mini-hakkero at me- oh my god-

 _Fwam!_ Ducked a laser!

"Love Sign...!" Are you for fucking _real_ \- oh hell no please don't do that...

Fuck _me~!_ Run, run, run-

"Master Spa~rk!" Aaa~h!

I run towards the front door, as Marisa brings her aim around a little to try and track me

VRRRRRR _RRRR~_

The laser erupts, taking out the right wall of the house.

Thud- ow, ugh…

I barely escape the radius by rolling past the desk and fucking _diving_ out the front door and onto my side, eating shit as I slide down Marisa's front steps like a goddamn sack 'a potatos…

 _RRRRR_ RRRRrrrr~...

The beam dies again. Oo~h…

Then, I blanch. "London's... been taken into custody!" Alice'll be pissed, man! Why is Gensokyo this hard!? Who put these trees here!? Aaa~h, aaa~h! I thought I was gonna get _laid_ and be a _harem master_ and aaa~h!

The operating cross's power flickers out. Rest in pieces, London…

Feverishly, running around the flank 'a Marisa's love shack, my footsteps go unheard after the loud roar of noise that was the Master Spark still echoed subtly throughout the forest, and our _ears_.

"...I think I got 'em…" Marisa is panting, standing in her front door.

Ca~refully, I slink around to the hole in the wall. Marisa walks outside to look around...

I walk inside through the hole she made earlier and start attempting to dump shelves into my bag again. Yeah, no breaks on this suicide train. When the mage is away, the mice will play!

This is where I discover Marisa has spidey senses. "What!? How!?" Marisa yells, running back to her house!

"Ve- very carefully!" I yell back, before taking out the panty rope. "These are the panties of those who have fallen before! Now they will include _you!_ "

"Oh, _hell no!_ " Marisa hops on her broom! And she- oh fuck there's no way I'm stopping that with a cast iron-

 _Woosh!_ I dive under her by a freakin' _hair_. She tried to like _violate my skull_ with her _broom_.

She probably expected my dive would result in me being beheaded by the tip of the broom, but thankfully I was quick enough to not get freakin' be-paled by her broom...

Yeah- I think I have enough books now. My limbs are shaking and my head is pounding- "Go, go, go~!" I ran out the front door again, towards where Alice's house'd be…

However. The popo be _fast_ on my _ass_.

"Give me my _shit_ back!" Star-shaped danmaku whizzes past me as I ran at an angle away from her… or so I hope. I dunno where exactly behind me she is!

Desperately weaving as closely to trees as I can to try and throw her off, I find they don't delay her much if at all. Quickly, she was gaining on me… and if she got to me, I'd be freakin' gibbed!

I reach into my bag of tricks, and pull out the still-dead operating cross. Woah no! Putting my hand back in, putting away the cross, I take out my NERF blaster...

Cockin' it, I aim backward, and fire!

Pap! ...A dart doesn't even leave the barrel, the blaster presumably jamming as it usually does after long periods of non-use. Goddammit.

"Wh- what the hell kind of weapon is this!?" I throw it back into the sack! With little other options, I pull out a _book_ , and toss it backwards-

 _Thunk!_ "Fua~h…!?" Marisa was right on my ass, but the book beaned her in the head and caused her to spiral to the floor-

Thud- thud- thud. "Eugh- fuguh- aaugh!" Yes! Eat it, Marisa! You just got out _engineered_ , son!

"I- I'd be _just_ as pissed as you are right now!" I shout back, running through the clearing ahead…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I can't believe I pulled that shit off. Sweet Jesus...

Arriving at Alice's lawn, I hear Marisa close in on me again... but the dolls nearby reacted and started slowing her down with danmaku streams!

"Dammit _all!_ " She's _pissed_. I have made a day one enemy. "Who the _hell!?_ "

"Tightest crew _ever!_ " Said crew is only a freakin' bat and a dead doll, but they were still pretty tight! Oh- and Alice's cast, too, those guys are pretty legit for helpin' me out.

Adrenaline pumping, I bolt into Alice's house and slam the door behind me. "I~'ve returned... from my qu- quest... with success!" Out of breath...

"I can see that." She takes another sip from her tea, seated at a plain table.

Banging was heard at the front door. "Not cool, ze! Open yer damn door!"

Alice sighed. "Taste of her own medicine, I suppose. Go out the back, my dolls will cover you."

Nodding, I start to move... "Thanks there, Alice." I begin to exit through the back, sweating like crazy and my limbs aching from all this running...

"Tell Patchouli I'll come by later to sort out whose is whose, alright?" Alice calls out, before turning to the door-

 _Boom!_ Marisa fucking made it _explode!_

"Ali~ce!" Marisa hollered as she sprang inside!

"Calm down, you insufferable cretin." Alice's dolls surrounded her and drew weapons, as I closed the door back door…

Was this back door here before? Ah, whatever...

Run! Fly~ ever free~, so free before the thunderstorm…!

 _Boom- fwafwam- baboom!_ Moving away from the house, I hear explosions and see lasers and swords sail out of the walls.

"Fookin' disco lasers. You see dat?" I gesture towards the laser light show being produced by the house. "Shit's what nightmares are made of… oh ho ho ho!" I shiver and hug myself, walking towards what I'm pretty sure was the right way out of the forest.

Aa~gh...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After some lean mean running into the sunset, we're at the lake!

…

After staring into the shallows, I make my decision. "Yeah, no, uh-uh, we're going around it this time. Sun's pretty much down and I don't feel like taking a trip on the hypothermia express." I wave off the water route. Fu~ck that. I can't even _swim_.

The bat fluttered lightly, presumably in agreement. Man, I'm fucking weird, talking to a bat…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Coming up to the gate, I find the _good guard_ , yo. Actually, Meiling's awake and standing guard! I dunno how much she sleeps in this iteration though…

Approaching Meiling, I make myself a friendly person. "Yo! I'm the new guy, and I got the books back!" I open the hammerspace bag and show Meiling the books.

She nods, smiling. "Aa~h. Patchouli asked me to look out for you, on the off chance you lived. She said she expected you back in about a week though…"

Smirkin' at her, I nod in confirmation. "Yeah, well, let's just say I diplomatized with people. They were friendly, dude."

...Meiling nods skeptically. "Well, go on in." She moves towards the gate-

Crea~k. With a simple push, she opens the likely iron gate. Coo~l…

I proceed through it-

Cla- clang. Meiling closed it behind me.

Man, this place looks like a freakin' fortress from outside…

Progressing to the front door, I pull it open with some freakin' effort, and go on inside…

Oh, yeah, the lobby I keep forgetting to talk about. It's big, has a big central staircase, some end tables 'n' vases, some couches, a chandelier-

Sakuya was instantly behind me, knife to my throat. "My mistress did not give you permission to leave."

Oh my god- he- hey, fuck… "Yea- yeah, but her friend did!"

"Who?" Sakuya, c'mon...

"Patchouli Knowledge, resident librarian. Quest for books. I lived, by the way." How's that shit for a name drop?

...I was released from Sakuya's vice like hold.

"Good job on that one." Sakuya vanished. Yeah, you better congratulate me. Freakin'... egh! I pat my throat where she held the knife. Je~sus...

I began to wander the halls randomly until I found the library.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

News flash: didn't find the library. Just halls. Alotta halls.

"Medic! Doc! C'mon man!" I shout into the void.

Sakuya appears. "What are you screaming about?"

I gesture wildly "Ebadooba- gotta library do… ba!"

Sakuya vanishes.

...

"Hey, wait, come back, friend, come back!" Help, no!

Sakuya appears. "Make it count."

Making it count, I open the sack full of books. "Library, directions, geographical coordinates, the works! Double fries on the side!"

Sakuya sighs. "Alright. Take a left, right, left, left, left, left, right, then you need to walk forward past a few intersections, and finally, once you reach the end, you take a right turn and then go backwards until you reach the double doors."

I furrow my brows. "...Did you- did you just tell me to take four lefts? Also, I'm never going to remember that..."

The bat on my shoulder flaps its wings excitedly. 

After givin' me a _stare_ for a few moment, Sakuya turns around and begins walking. "Just follow me…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

That only took two turns. Sakuya, you freakin' hacker.

We come to the double doors, and she pauses as she notices the hole in the wall...

"What even…" She stares at it incredulously, examining the damage.

I pretend to be a little shocked too. "Geesh. Those fairy maids can get a little rowdy, huh?"

Sakuya shakes her head. "I guess so…" She goes to open the door, and opens it with ease when it was locked for me earlier. That's nice.

We walk into the library, and within moments reach Patchouli's study. Sakuya must know all the tips and tricks when it comes to hallway navigation...

"Yo ho ho!" I call out, brandishing the sack. "I bring loot from the crusade!"

Patchouli looks up from the book. "How many bags?"

I pour the books out onto the table in front of her, covering the table. A few books fall off from the pile produced.

"...I dunno, I mean… oh man that's alotta books I dunno…" I faux-nervously give a sideways stare at the books. Patchouli gives me a questioning glance, before looking to the pile.

Oh, right. Looking up at her, I mention a thing I remember. "Oh, yeah. Alice said she was gonna stop by at some point and pick out the ones that were hers, since she lost some too."

Patchouli nods. "Ah, yes. That'll be fine. I suppose you wish for some form of reconciliation after this?"

I just kinda shrug. "It'd be nice I guess."

"Here." She tosses me a red book. "Consider it a stock, if you will. I doubt you could read it, but it's better than nothing."

Openin' up the book, and- hello English! This might be better than I thought actually… "Say, u~h, where'd you get this book from anyhow?"

Patchouli raised a brow. "That gap demon said it was a valuable text from another realm. To my disappointment, however, it's just some rookie's magic book written in a common Western language. I didn't think the outside world dabbled in magic at all, but apparently they have a few diehards left."

I raise a brow as well. "That's… pretty curious, actually. Huh."

Patchouli waves a hand. "I'll be resuming my reading now. I assume you're done here?"

Mmm. "Yeah, pretty much. See ya later, Patchouli."

Sakuya had vanished earlier in the exchange, I realized. Time to just go wandering until I find my way around somewhere…!

Walkin' down the hall, I hold the book open, givin' it a nice _read_. The cover and back were blank, but the book was a weathered red. Despite this, it was all in plain, modern day English, which was curious.

I read the text…

' _Magic as easy as one, two, three!... If you're following other's footsteps… and if you're casting insanely simple spells… and if you've got actual magic ability… In any case, this book is to teach you how to throw a simple fireball so your mage friends won't fucking destroy you the coming Saturday at the wizard-casting-game or whatever the fuck other wizards do. I don't know, we don't keep in touch! Just the other weekend…_ '

The book quickly trailed off into ranting, so I just skipped ahead like, ten pages. This seems more like a freakin'... satire book than a tome.

' _...When it comes to innate magical ability, most people got nothin', and some people got somethin'. It helps if you're a magician, the species, as it were. Peculiar name, I always thought, but that's a story for another day. You could use willpower, but after like two fireballs you might go suicidal and nobody wants that. You know what, you can figure this out._ '

Grinning at my bat friend beside me, I nod vigorously. "Two thousand fifteen times were weird!"

I flip ahead to page twenty. _'Alright, casting the fireball. This can take years of mathematical skill, prowess, and knowledge… or the right magic chops to pull it off by being an overly emotional bast- you know what let's not go there. Right, so for the latter, you gotta call upon your inner funky self, and imagine your hand holding a ball of fucking fire. Yes, not any fire, it has to be fucking fire. I don't care how you do it, just do it. Next, you lob it. Ever play Super Mario Brothers? Yeah, it's like that. That good enough? I think that's good enough. The next one hundred and eighty-five pages will be me drawing pornography because I'm bored of writing this book._ '

I shut the book. "I can take a look at all that sweet porn later! Let's go try out that fireball thing!"

Those fairy maids from earlier came strolling down the hall, before noticing me.

A yellow-haired maid gazes at me, and smiles widely. "Oooh, he's all alone now!" They didn't realize I had stuff in that visibly empty hammer-sack!

"Hehe~y, boy toy!" The small orange-haired fairy gave me an uneven grin, before turning and-

 _Pap!_ -slapping her ass. "How's it look!?" ...What!?

A purple-haired fairy stared at her in dismay, while the black-haired tall one came forth.

"I will dominate you." She claims, pointing a finger at me. Oh, it's _that_ asshole...

"Oo~h, you're real scary! Why don't you come a little closer?" I stash the book in the sack, and hold my arms up as if I'd do freakin' fisticuffs.

Komi's hands begin glowing with black energy. "You really don't realize what I'd like to give you. It's an inevitability, anyway..."

My bat friend flies off my shoulder and starts to hover around the general area of this altercation. Ah…?

"Well, guess what?" I ready myself to lob a fireball. I hope this works!

She smirks, holding a danmaku spread in a condensed orb above her head. Oh boy! "What?"

Shutting my eyes, I throw my arm forward like I'd throw a rock, envisioning an orb of fire. "Fire!" I shout, for effect and placebo. I did have those two freakin' level up moments earlier, so this should work…

 _Fwoom!_ A very freakin' wimpy fireball soared into her. It had little form and was more like just a brush of fire... "Wha-... fire!? Fire, fire...!" The black-haired fairy ahead started shouting, brushing her clothes.

"Komi-chan! Stay still, we'll help!" The orange fairy and her other technicolor friends close in to help her.

Yo, batter up! pull out my cast iron plant hanger, and rush towards the orange fairy…!

Turning to me, she grins. "Suck it!" _Fwoom_. She creates a stationary orange orb...

 _Yo!_ I double jump right on over it, and bring my plant hanger down on her head!

 _Thunk!_ "Aaauu~gh!" ...She clutches her head and slowly falls to the floor dramatically!

The other two fairies- yellow hair and freakin' purple hair- reach to grapple me.

Yellow chick grabs onto my leg, baring her teeth. Freakin'- why would you? I shake my leg free-

"Just stop…" Floating up, purple chick hugs me, attempting to press my face into her chest-

 _Whack!_ "Guh…" I whack her in the ribs with my hanger, forcing her to back off...

"Them danmaku bullets aren't so hot when they don't _hit nothin'_ now are they!?" I shout at 'em!

'Komi-chan', as it were, was finally extinguishing the flames on her maid uniform simply by freakin' patting them out...

"Da- damned _rascal._ " Her voice is uneven, at first. "You'll make a good footstool, for us..."

I double take. Man, she's assertive! "Since when were fairies such condescending pricks?"

'Komi-chan' makes a disdainful face. "You won't be saying that when you're licking our feet…"

The yellow-haired fairy that grappled my leg earlier is back up, gritting her teeth at me. Freakin'...

 _Clonk!_ I side-swipe her with an unexpected but heavily telegraphed swing of the hanger, sending her sprawling to the floor. By no rights should that have normally hit anything.

This blue fairy comes up outta fookin' nowhere and tries to punch my face, but I block it with the hanger. "Don't you guys have danmaku!?"

The blue fairy's eyes widen. "Oh- oh, uhm- weh- yeah…"

She summons a blue orb. It slowly homes towards me in a spiraling arc…

It'd miss me if I stood still, but if I were to move it'd probably be an unhappy experience.

...So I stood still.

"Ahh… No fair…" She pouted, looking crestfallen.

...Showin' some mercy, I walk over to her. "Look, if you don't _stop_ attacking me and run away _immediately_ , I'm gonna shove this plant hanger so far up your ass you'll feel it when you respawn."

She opens her mouth, but words don't come out. She falls backward, and starts crawling away.

Now where was- "Oh shit!"

Komi brought her arms up under my shoulders from behind and restricted my arms. She leans over my left ear, whispering into it. "You're mine now…" Fuck- no, no, no...

Oh, right! I stomp on her foot. "Anh! Dammit!" Her grip loosens, and I get one arm out of her grip.

She brings both arms around my last arm. "No! You- you won't escape that easily, slave!" Desperately, she pulls against my arm in an attempt to throw me off balance, but fails as I pull against her.

I reach into my sack, which was still around my waist. My plant hanger was currently in the arm in the fairy's grasp, but…

Bringing out out the operating cross of Alice's, I sigh. The lights on it are still dark….

I stare at it and thrust it into the air, hoping I can do _something_ with it.

Shi~ng! Light lines swirl around me and meet at the top of the operating cross, the red diamond in the center lighting up again. Oo~h! I~... feel a bit emptier than before, but I did something! Ah-

Thud. Agh! Freakin'... I'm finally pushed onto the floor, the operating cross falling away, as the black fairy straddles me.

My sand red plant hanger clatters to the floor beside me, leaving me unarmed and vulnerable under the domineering maid's leer.

She huffs, leaning over me. " _I'm_ your new mistress. Got it?"

No fuck you, get off... "Damn it..." No, no, no...

She reaches her hands up my shirt, noticing my displeasure. "I suppose I should _make you_ get it, then… _slave_."

I sigh, trying to press my arms against hers, but her strength proves greater…

This can't be how this goes! I- fuck-... My- my life just started here- someone fucking help me!

She attempts to slide up my shirt, but I fight to try and keep it on. "No- look, can we cut a deal or- ngh..."

Frowning, she aggressively reasserts her position on my waist, pressing her hands into my chest to do so. The motion forces me to exhale, pushing out my breath...

"About _fucking_ time…" She huffs, disdainfully glaring into my eyes. "It's time I've gotten a chance to fuck you. And-"

 _Pi~chun!_

…

London floated expressionlessly in the air down the hallway. Oh my god…

...I have such a boner from that hot fairy maid. I was so fucked. She _had me_. Jesus Christ...

Stumbling to my feet, I walked over to London... "...Yo- I know you're not sentient, but... thanks." I shake London's hand, but she doesn't respond at all. You're the best mobile sentry doll a man could ask for.

I walk over to the operating cross and pick it up. Putting it into the sack, London begins following me again.

The bat lands on my shoulder, looking really pleased. No- fuck you. You _watched_.

Whatever… "Well, I'm glad someone's happy..." I begin walking aimlessly down the hall again, when…

Sakuya appears. "The mistress requests-..." She looks at all the beat up fairy maids, then at London.

I raise my hands. "In my defense, it's a long story... and they're _mean_ people!" I point my fingers at the black fairy exaggeratedly.

Sighing, Sakuya begins to lead the way. "...Follow me, and don't beat up anyone on the way, alright?"

Smiling, I just shake my head. "No promises."

Sakuya whirls around and stares at me.

Freakin'... I raise my hands again! "Alright, I promise, I promise!"

Whirling back around, she continues forward. Touchy…! Jeez, yo. I almost got freakin' lewded, and this is how I get treated?

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I sat down at a table that was inconspicuously in the middle of the throne room now.

The bat flies over to Remilia's shoulder. I'm slightly hurt that the bat friend would leave me like that, but I suppose it's a bat after all, and she's a vampire and they're probably good buddies or something.

Arms propped on her table, and head upon said arms, Remilia looks tired. "So, how was your day?"

It was night now, according to the clocks. "Eventful, and vaguely treacherous. It was productive, somehow, though!"

Remilia chuckles, as the bat friend is absorbed into her. Wait, what?

"I suppose that's one way of describing it… You live in interesting times." Remilia grins at me, eyes filled with mirth.

I slowly raise a hand, and point at her. "So wait, that bat…"

She nods. "It was me, yes. Part of me."

I nod. "Ahhh… That's handy!"

She raises a brow. "That's all you have to say?"

You watched me almost get raped to oblivion by one of your maids. I'm not sure if I should bring that up, but freakin'...

"Oh, right." I think I'll just give her a dumbed down version of my internal rage. "You've been stalking me this entire day!"

Remilia chuckled. "Fufufu. It was quite a show, too!"

Ho ho ho! "Well, at least me talking to you had a point!"

Grinning, Remilia took a quaint sip from her tea. "...You know that witch won't let that go, right?"

Yea~h… I nod at that. "Well, I had to piss somebody off, eventually. Why not now?"

Remilia shakes her head lightly, swirling her tea. "So, what do you think you'll do tomorrow?"

Good question. "I dunno, exactly. I'd probably wander around until someone gave me something to do."

...Eyebrows raising, Remilia's grin widens. "I think I know just what to assign you to do…"

"Oh yeah?" I look at her curiously; surely it couldn't be any worse- No! No… Not thinking thoughts that will jinx me…

"I've noticed that some of our fairy maids have grown… more disobedient than usual. It's normally no big problem, except…" Remilia trailed off, facial expression falling.

"Curiously, they've tried outright malicious things. For example, they attempted ambushing Patchy at one point, and later they attempted to hold her familiar hostage. That particular altercation only lasted seconds; Patchy's no slouch and Sakuya was there in a heartbeat... but even so.

"These fairy maids are typically pretty rowdy… but never quite as much as they've _been_. They're maliceful and, as you've seen, lewd. I even hear word of them conspiring against me, but luckily they know not of the weakness of vampires."

I see… so basically you're trying to bullshit out a reason for me to throw myself into the rapezone some more for your own amusement. That, or there's actually a situation… but if there was, I wouldn't be the leading role, lemme tell ya! I've been here literally a _single_ day.

She stops to sip her tea, so I use the pause to ask a question. "Say, why have me on the job for this? Shouldn't Sakuya be going around busting some heads?"

Remilia shakes her head. "They behave themselves with her around, therefore that doesn't drive the point home. What we need is someone they view as weak, to show them who's boss around here. Someone on their level." Aw. That's pretty much on the money…

Fuck, I don't have a way to word myself out of this, do I? That's pretty much my fault for letting Remilia just talk and talk and talk… but even so, it shouldn't be so bad.

That one maid, Komi, nearly… _dominated_ me, but I should be prepared for others!

She begins briefing me on the things! "Tomorrow, there will be a snack cart that Sakuya was originally going to bring around the mansion around noon herself. Instead you'll be driving it around the whole day."

...Ahah. I look at her questioningly. "What's a snack cart have to do with stopping fairy terrorism?"

Smirking, she sets her teacup down and interlocks her fingers. "Since you'll be pushing it, they're going to try to rig it, and throughout this day I've dropped 'leaked plans' of the snack cart's route. You'll get them too, so you know where to go."

Oo~h, shieu~t. It's gonna be an ambush, yo… and I'm the trap! "Already expected me to accept, huh?"

"Not like you'd have a choice anyway. I'd just force you if you weren't willing." Remilia straight up tells me I got no choice. I figured as much…!

...At my non-response, Remilia continues. "The fairies intend to plant a bomb on it, and they've planned for multiple attempts. I don't know if they have more bombs- but we only have one snack cart, so presumably they plan to jump the cart at different intervals of the day to bomb other locations if other attempts fail."

Why are they trying to _bomb_ a snack cart? What, fuck those snacks in particular? That's snackism.

Hmm~... "Where'd you learn about all this?"

"Fufufu~... Boy, I am the head of this mansion. There is little I do not see that goes on here." Remilia restates her freakin' _rulership_.

Vampires also got awesome senses, don't they…? There was also that tiny bat camera. She's definitely got a lotta tools... "Point taken, and well made."

...After a moment, the clock strikes ten or so, and Remilia sips her tea again. She really likes her tea, doesn't she?

"I think it's time you head back to your room." Remilia suggests, which probably translates to 'formally commands'.

She's not wrong, though. "Yeah, I should. I'm a little tired. See ya later, Remilia." I walk out of the room, closing the door behind me.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I somehow got back to my room in moments. These halls have a freakin' mind of their own.

Bam. I slam the door behind me…

"Sweet, sweet bed!" I land on the bed! Pomf! "Aaahh…" My bloody back…

I sit the operating cross on the end-table by the bed. London floats up to it and sits on it, acting sentry. Hohohoh!

...Sleep takes me quickly as I lie on top of the covers, thinking about the day. Ha~h… fairy maids.

I kinda wish I could just give in and give myself to them, but at the same time I feel like that'd be a terrible idea. Maybe they're like… really nice if you get to know them.

Aah. Well, whatever, I'm not brave enough to find out. That kind of thing's scary, and some decisions, there's not any goin' back...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Aptly, I dreamt of fairy maids. What went down in said dream is none 'a your freakin' beeswax.

...I clamber out of bed lazily, and somewhat stiffly. I never liked sleeping in my clothes. The bat is sitting beside my bed, staring at me.

"Oh, hey Remilia. Watching me sleep, were you?" Freakin'...

The bat lightly bashes against my head, causing me to chuckle. "Heheh…"

...The door to the room's wide open, and a cyan haired fairy maid's sprawled out on the floor in front of the door, eyes spiraling. Her hair was long and her form was slender… but she musta busted in to try and rape my ass!

Man, that's tempting. If I didn't have London there, what the hell would I have woken up to? Christ, I didn't even think of that!

" _Fuck_ yo~u… yo." I verbally abuse her freakin' fairy corpse. I felt like being very aggressive towards her, because freakin'... how underhanded is that!? Rape me in my sleep!? Nngh…

I glance London, who's still sitting on the cross. "Thanks again, London."

Taking this opportunity, I take the operating cross and put it in my sack.

Time to go on outside, and see what fairy maid bullshit I can beat up today!

...Right outside the door, Sakuya stood there, hands on the cart. The cart had a curtain draped over it. Oh yeah, payload mode! I forgot about that mission Remilia wanted me to go on.

"Don't screw this up." Immediately, she vanishes. Fucking- good, thank you. Couldn't even give me _one_ dagger? A kitchen knife? A _butter_ knife?

"Oh, boy!" I giddily shout to myself. "It's time for some payload action! That, and survival against probable hordes of pissed fairy maids!" Remilia's bat lands on my shoulders, resting on its usual spot.

Admittedly, I'm eager to test my skills. No goin' back now!

My first stop would be the the library, it appeared. Morning pancakes for Patchy, an ice cream for Koakuma- who the hell eats ice cream at six in the morning? I mean, besides me on a Saturday?

Alright, a left, right, left, right, and forward. _Guess_ that was the path I took last time. I don't freakin' _know_ because this place has ill-defined _space and time_.

Like this, I start to push teeny tiny cart!

…

After a long period of nothing, the cart reaches the library's double doors. Not much maid presence, today…

I go to open said doors-...

Patchy why the fuck would you lock me out. How the fuck'm I supposed to bring you pancakes?

Thankfully there's still that hole in the wall to the right. Maybe I ca-

"There it is! Stop that cart!"

"This _bastard_..."

"He- he _does_ look kind- kinda cute…"

"Namori-chan, you say _everyone_ looks kinda cute!"

 _Komi's_ here… and so is that blue-haired fairy- apparently 'Namori-san' as she were- as well as that orange-haired fairy.

Feeling my heart leap into my throat, I point my hanger at them. "...Hey. You ain't gonna win!"

Namori timidly stepped forward, pressing her fingers together... "Um… If- if you give up... we ca- can make you feel _really_ good..."

Such an innocent way to put it. "Hahaha- no." Even so, let's not.

Orange fairy turns to her friend. "Seriously, Namori-chan? Ya thought _that'd_ work?"

Namori chuckled nervously. "Eheh… sorry, Koi-chan…"

Folding her arms, Komi steps back, commanding her friends. "Round him up, and pin him down."

Oh, shit…! They're gonna round me up before they try to round me down!

Smiling, Koi claps her hands together. "Take _this!_ "

Fwo-fwoom. Two large orange orbs erupt from her, and slo~wly home towards me…

Running around them, I crouch as I move to the left of them. Namori strafes around the side, her dukes up…

Since I was crouching, the orbs lowered to my position. This allowed me to spring up and double jump over them…!

"Hey…!" Koi starts to raise her arms as I near her! "Back off, asshole! I just wanna fuck, not get fucked up."

...As I approach her, I hear someone catchin' up behind me!

Swinging her arm, Koi generates another orb-

 _Fwoom_. It's stationary, and orange, and in my fucking way!

I charge through it-

 _Auu~gh!_ Fuck, that _sucks!_ Oo~h… damn!

Leaping sloppily, I flail my hanger down onto Koi's head-

 _Thunk!_ "Aaauugh…!" Slowly, she starts to crouch, clutching where I hit...

"Whatsamatter, you fookin' stoopid!?" I bark out my taunt at her, as-

Namori wraps her arms around me from behind, pressing her face into my back. "Pl- please…"

Freakin'...!

Clutching the operating cross, I press the diamond on it, demanding help from my doll friend…

"Stay sti~ll…" Namori continues to weakly clutch my form. She's… no where near as strong as Komi, actually.

Komi starts stepping forward, looking eager. "Fufufu…" Geez…

Once Komi reaches me, she raises her leg and presses her shoe to my chest. The way she does so allows me a view up her skirt, her black panties exposed to the air. "What's the matter, boy?"

...In an effort to draw this encounter out as long as possible, I start speaking!

...Slo~wly. "...I~... a~m…"

Komi's expression slowly falls, unsure of my actions.

"Go~ing…" I take a breath. Aa~h, fresh hallway air, yo…

 _Pi~chun!_ A sudden flurry of yellow danmaku wiped Namori from the face of the earth! Freakin'- I felt the wind from her exploding into mana behind me. Christ…!

Now free, I spring offa Komi's shoe, and start running to get some distance.

" _Boy!_ " Calling out for me, Komi starts to run at me. Target her, London, c'mon!

Patatat! London does indeed fire at her, but misses because its aim is shite. Freaking-

Noticing this, the maid grabs onto an end table nearby, and moves towards the doll. "Fu~ck _off!_ "

Very slowly, she swings it wide at the doll while it's idle-

 _Bam!_ London's sent spinning by the end table's blow!

Running up to her while she's still holding it, I bring the plant hanger around and press it against her neck.

"Guh…?" Komi tenses up, as I begin trying to choke her with it. "Fu- fuhk…!?"

C'mo~n! I've had enough of this fairy MVP bullshit! Just go down…!

Ow- fuck, no! Ah- Komi stomped _my_ shoe to break the hold this time. Wow, talk about freakin' karma…

Spinning around, Komi grabs onto my plant hanger. "No! You don't fucking _need_ this anymore…!"

Says _you!_ "Sod off…!"

She tries to bring her leg up to kick me, but we're too close for that to really work realistically. Like this, we're trapped in a tug-o-war-

 _Slap!_ Oo~w! She _slapped_ me…!

"Dog!" She begins verbally abusing me! " _Mutt!_ "

Furrowing my brows, I freakin' scan her body, before deciding to just reach for her face-

She grabs my arm with her free arm. "Grrh…!"

Aaa~h, aaa~h! I am gonna _deck you_ , you stupid-

 _Pi~chun!_

...I almost fall forward, pushing against nothing after London's supporting danmaku made Komi explode to death again.

"God _damn_ …" I rub my cheek. That fairy maid's something else compared to her freakin'... companions.

...Koi's still a few feet away, crouching and clutching her head. I'll just… ignore her.

Moving past the cart, and towards the wall, I see that hole I made again!

I crawl through the hole in the wall, and move to the double doors.

Now within Voile, I'm able to just unlock the door from the inside, and open it. Cool defense.

Darting into the hallway, I grab the cart and hastily push it into the aisles of shelves ahead.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Patchouli munches on her pancakes, and Koakuma licks her ice cream a little too enthusiastically for my own good.

Ignoring the succubus girl, I look back at Patchy...

"Yeah, I got approached by some maids. Caved one's freakin' head in." I responded to a question Patchouli asked me prior.

"This is problematic. Thank you for your service." ...I've got some kinda feeling that this is a freakin' set up or some shit.

Shrugging, I humble brag like a freakin' asshole, yo. "Ah, it's no problem… yet. I have a feeling that was just the start!" Honestly, that Komi maid's gonna be a freakin'... ordeal!

Keepin' it brief, I start to push the cart...

Patchouli nodded idly, more focused on her pancakes than me. "I would think so. Be careful out there." Yeah, okay.

I wave my hand, pushing the cart back out. "Have a good one, Patchouli." She's pretty aloof ta me, but oh well. If I was ever desperate for a lover, I'm sure one of the fairy maids would freakin' impale themselves on me in a heartbeat...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Next stop, the front gate! It's only like four rights from here." I say to Remilia's batling. Continuing down the hall, we eventually reach the doorway...

A few short, green haired fairies stood in my way. They've got bobby hair with bangs that hide their eyes. "Hello." ...They're all talkin' in unison or some shit.

"Well, if that's not fuckin' creepy, I dunno what is." Grinning awkwardly, I stare at them all. "So~... what's going on here? We having a birthday party, or somethin'?"

The front door slowly creaks open…

 _Boo~m!_ Then a green-haired fairy kicks the door open forcefully!

This fairy maid is adorned in some kind of mechanized armor; it's really boxy and fit with green and blue parts! It also makes her look like, ten feet tall!

"You've gotta be _fucking_ kidding me…!" Intimidated, I begin to back up…! What the fu~ck!?

The cyborg fairy maid _lumbered_ in, her bespectacled glare meeting mine. Her torso whirled around, and rainbowy cybernetic wings unfurled from her freakin' megazord's back.

"You there." Her voice is monotone, steely. "I'm surprised you dealt with that arrogant Komi so readily. But now, you belong to me. You will make for fine research." Are you for _real!?_

Her wings began to expand…!

 _FWAM!_ Huge danmaku orbs of all colors rolled out into the room, aimed at _me!_

Waa~h! Eyes widening, I throw myself behind the cart-

 _Thud_. I hit the ground. Oh, man, I can hear the danmaku just slamming against everything-

The cart starts to vibrate menacingly…!

"Jesus fuck! We're dead bats, dolls, and assorted things!" Aaaa~h! Nevermind, I think this is worse than fighting Komi…! Can we go back to fighting Komi!? What happened and why!? What _is this shit man!?_

The megazord leaps into the air, before falling in the same place-

 _Thoo~m._ The room shakes as a result, small purple shockwaves visibly splashing out from under the megazord's legs.

Them smaller creepy green-haired fairy maids surround the cart right after the shockwave, as if it were their cue...

Lookin' at the Remilia batling, I give it a pleading stare…!

Flying ahead of me, the batling sits in the air, one wing flapping towards itself. What the hell does that mean…!?

The maids start coming closer. "We will enjoy you." No you won't! No~ you won't!

...Are you just gonna stare at me, Remilia!? What're you even trying to _tell me!?_

Gritting my teeth, I hold my plant hanger like a baseball bat… and swing it at the freakin' unhelpful bat-

 _Clonk!_ Woa~h! The bat goes flying-

Pi~chun! After impact, the bat seemed to glow with energy as it flew into the maid, piercing her skull and instantly killing her.

Hoh, shit! I know what to do, now…!

The maids continue towards me, slowly raising their arms. "Do not resist. We love you."

Fu~ck nope! Nope, nope nope! No~t today, nor in this lifetime…!

As the five remaining creepers near me, I double jump to get up onto the cart smoothly-

It creaks and shakes as I land on it.

 _Thoom._ The big mecha fairy starts walking towards us oh shit…!

The bat floats up to me again-

 _Clonk!_ I awkwardly hit it towards the ground-

"Aah…" Despite it bowling into a maid from the side, the fairy was surprisingly chill about being freakin' demolished.

Double jumping from the cart's top to get past the encroaching maids, I bring my hanger down on the head of one-

 _Crack!_ Oh, fuck, wow-

Pi~chun! My melee blow _killed_ that fairy from that height! Je~sus, man!

 _Thud_. Legs, ow oof my bones. Hard landing...

The three remaining fairies continued towards me-

One leapt towards me and glomped me, although they're short enough for one girl to not be a problem. "Mister…" She clings onto my chest tightly, wrapping her stout legs around my waist. "Me and my sisters just want _you_."

Scowling, I step back at the other two approach me…

The bat approaches me again! Clutching my hanger with both arms, I give 'er a whack-

 _Clonk!_ She soars towards one of the maids-

 _Pi~chun!_ Gotcha~! "Man, your skulls're so so- soft, you're makin' this-"

While I was taunting, the other maid flew up, towards my _face_.

"Mmm…" Before I knew what was happening, the fairy's lips locked around mine. Sh- shit…

Her eyes are an empty emerald green, but I couldn't see that through her bangs previously.

I feel her tongue try to pierce my lips, but I keep my mouth tightly shut. No~! No no no, yo, no no no. No tongue. No~.

Eager to break this, I jab her in the gut-

 _Thunk._ "Oh…" She cringes back into the air, getting off of me…

Reeling the hanger back, I hit her again, this time in the _face_.

"Nnh…" She twirls through the air, drifting away from me…

I feel the fairy still locked to my torso hug me tighter. "I won't ever let go…"

I brush my lip to get rid of that kissing sensation- oh my god there's lipstick on my lips now. I don't entirely… hate that. Egh- no no no bad thoughts. Bad!

 _Thoom._ The cyborg takes another step forward…

Lookin' up, I see her scowling down at me. "Those were my apprentices."

They're trying to _rape me_ , you horse's ass.

Slouching, I let myself take in this momentary reprieve, catching my breath... "So? Look. I don't _usually_ kill morons this fast."

Raising her bulky arms, the cyborg maid leered down at me. "Eheheheh. You called us _morons_ …"

Grinning, I reaffirm the premise! "Yeah! Here's a schematic for ya: my _ass!_ " I slap my ass for effect!

"Rrgh!" Glowering, the maid punches forward with the cyborg's arm!

Double jumping to barely avoid the freakin' claw arm-

 _Boom!_ It hit the ground next to me as I run around beside it...

-I scan the robot's form for _some way_ I could fight it...

The fairy on my chest starts crawling up, trying to reach my face. "Big sister just wants to share a bed with you…"

Oh my god. "Why are you all freaking perverts!?"

...As tempting as it is to let this fairy smooch me with her earth green lips, I bring my hanger up and start prying her off of me with it. I-... really don't need to be tempted right now, honestly. Today and yesterday've been so much...

"Why…?" She gently floats to the floor, before landing on her rear.

"'Cause I'm an _asshole_." I inform her, my eyebrows raised. I'm more worried about-

 _Thoom_. The cyborg begins turning…!

Freakin'... what do I do!?

Remilia's bat drifts before me again, flapping irately. You~...!

The fairy's rainbow wings spread again, so instead of doing anything with the bat I just fucking book it towards the lobby stairs. C'mon, c'mon-

 _FWAM!_ Here they come oh boy…!

On my way there, I double jump periodically and clumsily to try and dodge incoming orbs-

Aaa~gh! "Ff~...uua~h!" Words cannot describe. My body ends up crackling with danmaku energy as I stumble forward and nearly break my skull on the bottom steps, barely stopping myself with my arms...

 _Thoom, thoom_. The cybernetic maid walks closer to me. "Your weakness is cute, though… I see why the mistress keeps you around."

The bat on my shoulder flaps its wings angrily. I know, I know, you're not perverted like the maids, Remilia… or maybe you are, 'cause you could be helping me for real right now! Aaah!

I pull the operating cross out of my sack. "We-well, guess what I've got?" I press the red diamond and point it at her. London's been pretty much idle this whole time, so she's gonna catch this bitch off guard!

She stares at me plainly, before speaking in monotone. "I'm a fairy, holy things like crosses don't matter. My… you really are a cute one. Don't worry. I'll teach you all about the world. We can spend rainy days under the awnings, doing reports on the-"

Papapat. Yellow, diamond danmaku from London flies into her armor, lightly pinging against it. I don't think it actually did anything though.

Good job, London. You~ may've fucked me.

"Oh? Another pest… oh. Some doll…" She begins to approach London…

 _Thoom, thoom_.

Getting up, I climb up the stairs, huffing and puffing as my body rejects this idea. Fucking-... move, you~...!

"We could make toys like these together." Bending over, the maid began to pick up London with her claw arm. "...Such an annoying design. Details like these are worthless."

At the top of the foyer stairs, I stumble towards the adjacent second floor guard rail. It's ornate as shit, but that's good. Taking a deep breath, I begin climbing onto it...

Cr-crack! _Crack!_ Clutching her arm, the maid broke London into multiple parts. "We'll make a new one, together." Londo~n…

Standing up atop the guard rail I leer down at the fairy. "Hey, _asshat!_ "

She looks up from the doll's crumbling parts, smiling at me. "Yes, honey?"

I leap from the guard rail.

Her eyes widen. "Honey…!"

As I fall forward, she moves as if to catch me.

Once I descend to about her head's level, I jump again, getting slight horizontal momentum.

Reeling the hanger up with both arms, I bring it down on her head.

 _Thunk!_ " _Aauu~gh!_ "

My strike makes her tilt back, allowing me to slide off of her freakin' megazord's torso and drop to safety. "Holy shit…"

Thoo- thoom, thoom. She stumbles back, her glasses crooked and her head bruised. "A-aah…"

Now that I'm down here, I glare up at her again. We done with this shit yet? I think I've proved a worthy enough opponent…!

...Shaking her head, the cyborg maid comes to her 'senses'. "This is it, then... I was going to save this for that troublesome magician in the library, but…"

Vrrr~. The cyborg's chest whines as both sides fold open, an energy core revealed to the open air.

Oo~h, boy…

Looking at the Remi-bat that's still just hovering in my wake like a freakin' useless frik, I point to the left. "Go left, yo! I'll flank!"

Remi's bat doesn't do as I ask, but whatever! I start moving around the right…

"Stand still…" The fairy maid instructs me, 'cause y'know, I'll _listen_.

Vrrr~. Slowly, her torso begins turning...

Stopping, I double back as Remi's bat just keeps following me, and swing wide at said bat-

 _Clonk!_ She goes soaring into the power core-

 _Zap-zap-zap-zap!_ The core pulsates unevenly as Remi's bat is freakin'... _frying tonight_.

The cyborg fairy twitches awkwardly, her arms jerking and moving in curious directions. "N-no... I-I couldn't have messed up the wiring...!"

Vrr- vrrr. Rrr~...

As the cyborg whirred to a halt, I ran towards it again…!

"Hone~y…" She looks over at me with a pouty face. "Can you help me out? I'll make it worth your while…"

I smile at her- "Hup…" -double jumping onto one of the arms of the robot. "Sure, pal. Hup..." I leap onto her shoulder.

She gives me a catty smile. "Thanks…"

Raising my hanger, I bring it down on her head-

 _Crack!_ Pi~chun!

It's over…

...Crrea~k-

 _Boo~m._ The cyborg fell onto its back, defeated. I had to double jump to not break my legs, landing to the side of the cyborg. My god, dude… this is some shit.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Tiredly pushing the cart, I get it out onto the front porch. Since Meiling just needs freakin' coffee, I'm just gonna take it off the cart and walk it over to her...

Meiling was still sleeping.

Time to clap my hands! "Yo, wake up! Today's the day to do the things!"

"Huh- wha…?" Meiling yawns. "Dinner already…?"

Yeah. "Good evening and good night." I hold up her coffee, which is on a tiny 'lil plate. "This was on the snack tray for you."

...Nodding drowsily, she lethargically reaches for the cup, and takes a long sip.

…

"Oh, how nice!" Suddenly, she springs to life! "Just how I like it…!"

A bright light engulfed me again, and I put my hand to my chest. Oh, level up light again…? Only took a freakin' day.

"Alright, what the hell..." The hell are these orb things!? What are they?... I don't wanna be a schizophrenic! Why does Gensokyo even have a leveling system!?

"What was that?" Meiling was less confused than I was, which was understandable, considering my hysteria.

"I don't freakin' know, dude…!" Grinning incredulously, I begin to walk off. "Have a good day, yo. Have a _good_ day."

She snorts at me. "...You too."

With that, I meander back towards the mansion. Time to get on gettin' on, yo...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Back in the trashed foyer, I lift the operating cross and channel magic into it again.

The operating cross lights to life, and London's back at my side. Where does she even come from…? I'm glad she comes back, though. I sure as hell need a freakin'... mook party member. Surviving on your own is _rough_.

Charred and jittering with electrical energy, Remilia's bat unevenly flutters out to meet me...

"Hi, friend." I greet it gingerly, so that it doesn't make me repent for my sins. "Remilia's room. It has directions but… can I just follow you?" I ask the bat. Freakin'... can't you at least take me to your own room?

The bat flies off my shoulder, and floats ahead slowly, letting me follow. Alright, cool... "Thanks, Remilia."

With the bat in the lead, getting to the throne room is freakin' trivial. Just a couple turns, and we're there. Pretty sure that's _not_ what the directions said...

I push open the door, and Remilia is waiting there.

"Hello, boy! Why don't you stop for some biscuits and a nice chat?" Proposes Remilia, one leg over the other as she sits at the table. Sakuya's there aswell, sipping tea with her mistress.

"...Sure!" I call out. Now that's the kinda service I wanna see, yo. I've been this mansion's freakin' _garbage man_ all day…

Before I reach her, there's stomping behind me.

"Not so fast, slave!" I~t's Komi. Freaki~n'... didn't she die thirty minutes ago!?

She charges in from behind me, but London body-blocks her from tackling me.

"Surpri~se!" Koi calls out, leaping over Komi…

Fwoom- fwoom. She rains orange danmaku down on London, knocking her aside.

"I- I want to _feel you!_ " Namori blushes heavily, aiming her hand like a gun-

Fwi~Choo~m! She fires a thin blue laser at me, forcing me to jump aside.

"Holy shit! When did you guys get _legitimate_ fighting abilities!?" I aimed the operating cross behind them, instructing London to move behind them and out of their way for now.

Grinning brilliantly, Komi flings her arms outward. "Fufufu!"

Fwam. Fwam. Fwam. She unleashes those slow, revolving black danmaku bolts again, but this time they orbit around _me_ instead of her.

I stream the side of the pale-blue laser, and narrowly weave through the black danmaku-

Fwoom! I'm forced to double back due to a spread of three orbs from Koi. Freakin'- why isn't that vampire and her maid helping!? Aaa~h!

Patatatat! London fires at Namori, causing the fairy to dart out of the way sheepishly, her laser fading. Okay… that's better.

Strafing around the side of the battle, Komi cracked her knuckles. "This is the end, for you."

You know what I said about wanting to fight Komi instead of cyborg lady? Yeah- I think I revoke that statement again…!

Turning away from her- oh crap Koi's suddenly inside the revolving ring of black orbs with me!

She tilts forward, her breasts bouncing as she winks at me. "Hi~! I'm Koi-chan!"

I grin, raising my plant hanger defensively. "I think I'll just call you Koi..."

She pouts. "Well, when we win you'll have to call me Koi-chan!"

Moving forward, I try to hit her-

"Hehehe~!" She slides back, and flies over Komi's danmaku. "Get 'em, Komi! Kick some _ass!_ "

Looking over at the tea table just away from our fight, I see Remilia and Sakuya just watchin' the exchange, drinking tea. You~ heartless freakin'...!

Lookin' for a way out, I pull out my NERF blaster. This better work again!

I aim it at Namori, who's been spending a good portion of her time staring at me rather than London for some reason. She gasps, and drops to the floor.

"Get the fuck down! All of you! And don't you dare fucking move!" I shout, trying to pretend to be one of the robbers from PAYDAY 2. Wahoho…!

Namori whimpers on the floor, but Komi is unphased and Koi reluctantly continues her assault.

Komi darts through her own danmaku, and jabs forward-

 _Woosh!_ Her single miss gives me the opportunity to pistol whip her with my NERF gun!

 _Whack!_ "Ngh…" She steps back purposefully, not really phased too heavily by my plastic pistol. You freakin' serious…?

"Think you could fool us with a fake gun!? Stu~pid!" Koi approaches from behind me again, and grapples me, her breasts pressing against my back. "I got you no~w!" Freaking…

Namori just sat on the floor some distance away, idle after diving for cover.

Aiming the cross at her, I press the red diamond on the middle. Do something, London…!

Patatatat! London sprays down the laying figure of Namori.

 _Pi~chun!_ Namori wa~s defeated!

"Namori-chan! Noo~!" Koi almost lets go of me, seemingly genuinely distraught…

"We respawn, you idiot!" Komi calls out to her, scowling.

Koi tilts her head. "...Oh. Right. I… knew that." How do you _forget_ that. Freakin'...

In the doorway stood Patchouli and Meiling- the latter with her coffee- observing the exchange between me and the fairies. Alice's there as well, apparently, with an unconscious Marisa behind her, propped up by some dolls...

"What's going on here…?" Alice questions, observing the fierce exchange between me and the fairy maids.

"Don't interfere!" Komi sends a wave of linear black danmaku their way, forcing them to do a particularly lethargic side step...

I try to stomp my foot backwards- oh. Koi's not holding me while standing on the ground, she's floating behind me. If that's the case-

"You're pretty _tall…_ " Koi breathes into my ear. "Hehehe…" No fuck you.

Thrusting forward, I try to lunge for Komi, but Koi keeps a tight hold on me. "No~pe! Sorry, cuti~e!" Freakin'...

Aiming the cross at Komi, I just spam the button. Get your ass over here and spam the shoots, London! Shoots versus boobs!

Snapping her attention to me, Komi starts to just march up to us. "Koi, his arms."

"Can do~!" Adjusting her hold, Koi restricts my arms by the shoulders, limiting my articulation of them.

"Freakin'..." I swear I'm just gonna _headbutt_ someone.

Like this, Komi grabs onto the operating cross, and easily plucks it from my hand. "Fufufu~... you've given me quite the headache, boy."

Yeah, in more ways than one. I ain't done yet, either…!

Before Komi can do much else, she's forced to dart back-

Patatatat! Yellow, diamond-shaped danmaku roars out from between the two of us, London passing through the gap at a steady velocity.

"My turn!" With the operating cross itself, Komi uses it to try and beat up London-

Cla~ng. London seems to be made of sturdier stuff than that, though…!

"We won't hurt you, guy." Koi tries to quietly negotiate with me. "And, _I_ think you look good…" Fucking...

I jump to try and get out of Koi's arms! Since they're only restricting my arms and not really holding me, I manage a bit!

"Wha- hey! Hey!" She scrambles to keep a hold on me as I jump again!

We land pretty much together, but she doesn't got a firm grip on me, now! "No, son! No!" Turning around, I start freakin' shaking her by the shoulders! "I'm gonna ruffle your poofy dress!"

Smiling at me, she emits lewdness. "Oo~h? You can ruffle my poofy dress any time…" Yeah, okay.

I look over at Komi, seeing she's still having trouble kiting London around. Alright, cool-

"M~mwah!" _Oh!_ Koi plants a kiss on my cheek, drifting up to match my height properly since she's like four feet tall. "C'mo~n. Tell me you wouldn't love a night of squeezing me. Just you and me, fuck Komi-chan."

Too much information, _son_. Reelin' my hanger back, I gut-jab her!

 _Think_. "Ow~ch…" She cringes back, wincing. "Dumba~ss…"

Oka~y. Her hands're off me now, at least!

Cla~ng! London bounces off the floor next to me, somehow knocked with good force.

Oh, that's because Komi's holding one of Remilia's chairs now. "Ha~h…!" Running towards me, she attempts to bring the chair down on _me!_

"No~!" I strafe outta the way! "Enough of that shit!"

Cla~ck. She hits the chair against the floor, allowing me to move up and hit her in the _ribs_.

 _Whack!_ "Oo~h…" She winces in displeasure, stumbling back and out of the way. "Fuck you…"

...I catch Koi moving to flank me, but as she irately charges at my side, I whirl around and hit her in the head-

 _Thunk!_ "Auu~gh…" My hit leaves her spinning in the air for a few moments, before she allows herself to belly flop to the floor. "Umgh…"

Huffing, the final fairy maid pumps herself up. "I've had it! I'm fucking _done_ with you!" Oo~h! Komi's pissed for realsies…!

" _Hoa~h…!_ " Oh, shit, she's going hulkamania, son! Flaring up with traces of dark energy, she whirls towards my form, floating as she moves to engage me. " _What's yours is mine!_ "

I swing my hanger blindly, the speed at which she accelerates towards me too much for me to freakin' deal with-

 _Whack!_ Fu~ck… She punched me in the chest, but almost totally sent me spinning-

 _Thunk!_ Her dress shoe connects with my stomach, launching me.

Thud. I land on the ground, still holding onto my freakin' hanger. "Go- god- fu- fuck…" Uu~gh...

Stepping forward, Komi presses a shoe to my stomach to pin me down. "It's _over_. I don't know who the _fuck_ you think you are, but you're going to belong to _me_."

Of the like _three_ goddamn spectators, you'd think _one_ of them would not have a closet fetish for fucking dominatrixes. As in- Alice! Remi! Sakuya! Fuck!

Patatatatat! London starts to shell Komi-

 _Clang!_ Leaping to the air, Komi easily sends London flying with an aerial kick, tanking the danmaku. "Da- damn…" Even so, London leaves her imbued with danmaku energy, which seems to be making her jitter. "St- stupid, useless toy..."

…

I start to get up-

Komi's shoe presses into my upper chest, giving me a view of her leg, and up her skirt. "Stay down. You're _mine_."

Fucking…

I raise my hanger arm-

She presses down on that arm with her other leg, yet she's somehow not putting full force down on either section of my body. Is she just like, half-floating to do this without fully hurting me? Why~...?

...From here, I just look up at her from the floor, sighing. "I~... don't think you'll get away with this, y'know…" We're in the middle of like three people. She can't possibly get away with this, right?

Smiling almost innocently, quickly Komi stops stepping on my limbs, and drops down onto my waist. "Watch-..." Turning away, she trails off. "Me…?"

As Komi turns, I tilt my head to the side to see what she sees.

Reimu's crouched next to us, her gohei touching the floor as he stares at us with a vague expression.

I wave. "Hi."

"Hey." Reimu greets me casually. "... Am I... interrupting something?"

Komi frowns at her. "Yes. I'm breaking in my new slave."

I shake my head. "I am being raped against my will, help friend." Give me the assista~nce!

...Idly, Reimu locks eyes with Komi.

Komi glares at her, sneering. "Bi~tch. If you so much as-"

Swiftly, Reimu stood up and swung her gohei like a club-

 _Clack!_ Pi~chun! Komi was annihilated instantly.

...

I start to sit up. "Fairies, man… they're gonna get me ferried, man!" Jesus Christ, yo. They a~re not as easy to fight as anticipated!

...Idly, Reimu stares me down. "There's something going on with the fairies, and out of everybody here, I'm starting to feel like you've had the most first-hand experience. Besides me, anyway."

Pfft. "Yeah. No shit, huh. First hand experience- I've had two freakin' _days_ of first hand experience…"

Standing up, I continue, sneering. "Freakin'-... look." I try to find words. "Experience don't even begin ta describe it! When it comes to me and fairies, yo, I gotta fight like _hell!_ Lock and load my freakin' dart blaster and beat some skulls in! Any time I walk down a freakin' hall, I don't know if I'm gonna come out a virgin or giving a small family's worth of fairies a piggy back ride!"

…

"Yeah, he sounds like the right guy." Reimu just turns to Alice and gives her an amused, casual smile.

Alice struts up. "Personally, I would have left him to his devices, Reimu. It's best that he learns, if he's going to survive here."

Reimu waved it off. "Yeah, well he can't help me with the fairy problem if he's getting sexed up by them." Then, she turns to me. "You see any wild fairies, or just manor fairies?"

Huh. "...The magic forest was quiet as frik." I recall. Well, on the ground, anyway. The sky was fucking lit, but I couldn't tell if it was the trees being trippy or if fairies and other youkai were duking it out.

Reimu snorts. "Really? It's a complete _warzone_."

Oh, so it's not normally like that. "...It's supposed to _not_ be a fairy danmaku demolition derby?" It wasn't big on my mind though. I figured that's how this Gensokyo's magic forest worked.

Shaking her head, she gave me a dry look. "No~. This is getting complicated already…" She slouched.

Hoh. Freakin'... fairies, yo.

Sensing that our conversation had died down, Alice interjects herself. "I see you've been making good use of London. How've the controls been so far?"

"Pretty good, actually," I begin. Man, your doll has saved my freakin' _life_. "She's handy for area denial and cover fire, and is also quite handy as a bullet sponge."

Alice looks at me questioningly. "Bullet sponge…? You do realize that once she breaks, she's not supposed to come back, right? This was just a test of the controls, not the magical convenience or battle practicality of the doll."

Magi say what now. I tilt my head. "I was able to fill the cross with magic after London was destroyed a few times. She came back out of absolutely nowhere, and I was fine with it."

Alice didn't know what to make of that information, apparently. She went quiet.

Hu~h.

"You asshole!" Oh god, Marisa incoming-

"Gah…!" She got grabbed by the collar by Reimu. Hoh.

I put my hands up. "Wooa~h, kay! I'm sorry, alright? Besides, you can probably steal them back anyway, if- if they were so important…"

...Reluctantly, Marisa stopped rushing me and crossed her arms. "Fi~ne… but I'm only letting ya off 'cause you're _new_ , ze. Watch yerself."

Reimu whacked her friend on the head with her gohei. "Knock it off, Marisa. He means well enough."

"Fah… sorry, ze…" Marisa rubs her head… through her _ultimately poofy hat_.

I feel the warm light wash over me again. "Oh, hold on guys, gotta do my thing with the level-ups and crap." I put my hand to my chest, orbs flow into me yadda yadda yadda.

"What?" Reimu is confused in a fluffy way. Aww...

Patchouli puts a hand to her chin. Ho~h, Patchy-baby, when'd you get hea…!? "I must say, that effect is quite peculiar. What happens to keep creating it?"

...Taking a breath, I decide to elaborate. "It's fun." I demonstrated by jumping into the air, and then jumping again. "I can jump… and then _jump again, dude_." Oh my go~d du~de!

"That's kinda lame, ze... " Marisa isn't a fan of it, and I can imagine why. It _is_ pretty much a crutch! That, and the most mundane super power ever.

At the same time… "If I didn't have it, yo, I'd probably be high on aphrodisiacs and licking a fairy maid's toes, yo. I'll take what crutches I can get…!" When I thought about it- only being able to double-jump in a land of flying everythings kinda sucked, bu~t…

Marisa snorted. "Are they really that bad…?"

"Hey, at that same time, yo..." I continued, "I might not have wings or floating abilities, but I don't need 'em to fly! With a couple double-jumps I'll be fleein' the zone, yo!"

...Nodding, Marisa sardonically accepted this answer. "Ya cheesy bastard. I guess you kinda got the right, though, what with fighting… _fairy maids_ and all."

"I'd like to examine this further. Come by my library sometime." Patchouli outright instructs me. Ho ho!

"Sure." I reply. Might aswell see if I can abuse the leveling system! Although all things considered, I doubted it…

Also, Patchy is love, Patchy is life. I haven't had a good opportunity to say it, yo, but she's my waifu! She's more aloof than I was countin' on, though...

Remilia clapped her hands. "After the ordeal everyone's been through, why don't we all settle down and have dinner here?"

Alice looks skeptical. "It's still afterno-"

Reimu covers the mage's mouth. "Yes let us have all the dinner."

"Fufufu..." Giggling, Remilia raises from her chair, and begins stepping towards the door. "Let us go." Turning to her maid as she moved, she gave her a nod…

With that, Sakuya vanished.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 1

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Generic Outsider Human

PRIMARY WEAPON: Cast-iron plant hanger - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. My most basic weapon.

INVENTORY:

Rope of Panties - Kinky! Craftable into stuff and things!

Two bra cups - Note to self: don't use as shoulder pads alone.

NERF Dart Blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF Longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Fancy Operating Cross - Allows control and summoning of a London doll.

==o==

PARTY:

London, the Doll - Defensive unit, able to hold positions and provide cover-fire. Command is limited to moving to stationary positions, spraying basic danmaku, and avoiding very clear, slow moving sources of instant death. Basic, but gets the job done.

==o==

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

it's yet another generic OC fic that's totally not probably actually maybe a shameless self-insert wish fulfillment fic

spoiler warning: will feature slow ass power-creep while i try to make it atleast seem slightly balanced and fair; no i'm not going to be giving him any OP as hell abilities though and if this got into DBZ "holy shit lasers and spirit bombs are raining from the sky" territory i think that'd be bad; later on i might do alot more technically capable things like jumps and varied weapons and stuff

spoilers for how "leveling up" works: the whole "level up" system is pretty much "yeah my guy's going to gain SOME kind of power no matter what just for progressing the story along" but i'm gonna try limiting it to the following: base strength, ability to endure pain/health, magic pool, and various growth abilities i.e. double jumping

double-jumping seems arbitrary in a land where everyone floats and flies and soars through the skies, but imagine only having a small mediocre CoD soldier bunny-hop and get back to me

how his fireball attack works as of now: it's more flash than anything and the fire seems kinda weak if fairies can shrug it off after a literal moment; patchy was right when she said that book SUCKED

what i want to do is have my OC be atleast marginally entertaining and i'm assuming the readers pretty much know the following things: the guy's not gonna die arbitrarily no matter what but that doesn't mean pain's not a thing nor are other failure states so nnn…

also going to end up being a partial experiment to see how technical i can make the power-creep; like KH2 sora levels of combo pluses and stuff versus. "oh i can SUMMON HELL ITSELF NOW WOOHOOHOOOAAAHH" kinds of power creep; in addition my OC gets to start only with the unique ability of being dangerously resourceful instead of anything crazy, and the things he SHOULD be fighting are going to be relatively realistic enough; as he is now he can only fight stoopid insano fairy maids and in a serious brawl with marisa or the likes that isn't just about nabbing books and hightailing it he'd probably get his ass kicked

also limit breaks because those are generally koo; dunno if they're interesting to read though

action's generally fun to write, but is it to read? i try to keep sentences and ideas condensed so tell me what you think; i only write what i'd like to read, atleast i prefer to think

only writing this because bored, too!

see you all next chapter, and by that i mean i'm probably only going to publish this when it's complete(cought as of chapter 4 it'll be every two incidents so that something exists online while im typing like i was possessed) so see you in like ten seconds once you hit the "next chapter" button if you haven't closed it out already

 **==== TWO YEARS AND A MILLION AND A HALF WORDS LATER ====**

HELLO~

so as it turns out i~ continued this idea… maybe

hyonk

im still writing this because im bored but i also like it

i wanted a stronger first chapter prose-wise and ended up redoing scenes and stuff and all that

this chapter's also now freakin'... 20 k words

notable changes include:

o saying goodbye to cheesy limit breaks

o longer fights with more responsive combat

o more lewd

o more brad being traumatized going in / experiencing the environment

JUST AS A FOREWARNING for anyone who read THIS style and want to see more of it… until i bother to revise the next like 20-40 chapters (which i probably won't) it'll BE AWHILE, so if you can put up with some happy crappy and slightly off-key characterizations and stuff then y'know you'll be golden 'n' dandy

the next four chapters after this one have been improved so you can get better bearings before this turns to cringey shit - w -

i mostly just wanna boost some reader retention for the people who may be put off by my first chapter 'cause like… i write better later! and i don't want that to go to waste just 'cause i didn't write good like TWO YEARS AGO

i also wanted to return to my roots a bit and have a good strong first presentation even if the next slew of chapters are iffy - w - if you really can't handle that feel free to skip ahead as much as you want since this story's over progression pace is slo~w despite what this first chapter might entail (protip: plot beyond fun times doesn't start until ff chapter 70 and a bit beyond or so)

and the general premise is good times all around and the journey being worth more than the destination so y'know ye ye ye

in google docs this chapter ALONE is now 65 pages

hoh hoh hoh

as always, see you all next time!


	2. The Captain's Son, son

(in which we do the incident things you know the ones)

"I awaken…!" I stand, clambering out of the bed 'n' stretching…!

Still in a scarlet bedroom. Still in Gensokyo. A~nd still a virgin, ho ho ho~!

Lookin' over at the floatin' London doll, I give her a smile. "Good morning, London! The weather's forty-ninety five east on the eleven right now, with Chaz and AJ in the morning! Hohoho!"

Freakin'... radio. Now, to just take this moment to throw my clothes from the previous day o~n. I like to sleep au natural, when the situation permits! Well, I stay in my underwear typically…

Blue sweatpants, blue shirt! Probably really stands out in these scarlet halls...

I look to the wide open door, the same cyan fairy maid from before collapsed on the floor, slightly differently this time.

"Ya fookin' idiot." I tell 'er once more, giggling to myself. "Hehehe~..."

Oh, also Reimu's in the doorway, watching me.

...

"Wo-hoah! Where'd you come from!?" Time to flail my limbs!

Reimu didn't bother to answer that question. "Listen, those fairy maids the other night. What exactly were they like?" Straight to the business, huh? Alright yo alright...

I take London's operating cross off the end table I sat it in the previous evening, and put it in my bag of holding. "Condescending, various shades of perverted, and mean. Very mean."

With that done, I also walk towards her! "They repeatedly attempted to steal me and take me somewhere else, yo. With their _vaginas_."

...After givin' me a dry stare, Reimu nods. "Sounds about right. Those three light fairies I usually see were suddenly trying to jump some villagers, earlier. Marisa said she had an unpleasant encounter with Cirno involving the lake water, too."

Putting a hand to her chin, she held her gohei over her shoulder… "This sounds like an incident."

"Aww~. Sounds like fun!" I am fully ready for the day! I lift my plant hanger to the sky…

"...You might need more than a chunk of metal like that, though." Reimu was not impressed by my weapon of choice.

Pfft. I jerk my head back a little. "Yo, this thing's served me great as a primary. I haven't even been able to keep track of how many heads I've batted in!"

Rolling her eyes, Reimu idly backs into the hall outside the room... "Suit yourself. Be sure to spend this day getting ready, though. We're going to investigate tomorrow once Patchouli's analysis of the situation comes with a good direction for us to go. I'm bringing you with me since you might have leads or something, and we're just fighting fairies for now."

I nod. "A'ight."

With that, Reimu walks away.

I walk out into the hallway and see no one. Reimu _vapormarized_ , dude...

"Cool. Bye Reimu." Yeah, just come up to me and ask me to come with you. It's a Gensokyian life for me, yo.

A bat flies up to me while I'm standing in the hall idly...

"Hey again, Remilia." He~y, it's the vampire loli, except not. How's it goin'?

It rests on my shoulder. Freakin' excuse for a security camera is what it is...

Lookin' around the halls, I speak to Remilia's bat as I start mobilizin'. "First thing's first, I've gotta locate Patchouli and get a handle on my options."

What way was it again, right left right left? Left right left right? Didn't I have to go backwards a few times, too…?

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Freakin' halls, yo. I ended up just following Remilia's bat proxy to the library. We come to the locked double doors, with a hole in the wall still next to it.

"Y'know this is probably a health and safety hazard in some way…" I talk to the bat, climbing through the hole again. Luckily no maids were here to stop me this time! How much you wanna bet Remi's gonna patch that up the moment I'm into the library proper?

I end up in the dead center of some bookshelves.

"Help, friend." I turn to Remilia's batling. I do not have the loadout for exploring rogue-like dungeons. Freakin'...

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

"I highly doubt that has anything to do with anything." Patchouli bickers at Marisa, who seems to be making a scene.

Marisa beams gloriously. Hoh…! "Nonsense, ze! It's obvious that that one funny faced villager from the eastern edge of the village is behi-"

 _Wham_. Shanghai slammed a book on Marisa's head, forcing her to shut up. "Oowaa~h…" The witch rubs where the book struck...

"Please…" Alice stares blankly at Marisa, offput. "Be a _little_ serious, would you?"

"Hello, magic friends!" I call out, approaching the three magic practitioners.

"Yo!" Marisa calls out as she raises an arm at me, her other arm still on her head. "How's about a rematch?"

 _Totally._ "Nope!" I decline swiftly!

"Greetings." Patchouli actually bothered to glance at me since she hadn't a text in her grasp this moment.

"Morning." Alice quietly calls to me. Shanghai waved a hand. If only London had social emotes!

"I came with questions and the things!" I stand before them.

Alice interrogates me immediately. "How did you reconstruct London? That's not something I worked on at all."

"I guess I just... broke some _limits_." I shrugged at her cheekily…! Heyonk, heyonk, heyonk!

...Alice is giving me the most jaded of stares. "That… doesn't actually answer my question. At all."

"I don't freakin' know." I let my arms ragdoll… "I ain't no smart man person thing. I hit stuff and die for a living."

...Patchouli's giving me a dubious, examining stare. "In any case, I would like to proposition examination of those lights that occurred about you. How might we trigger it again? I'll have this-" Patchouli summoned a magic circle under me, "-track your status when it occurs."

Yeah, just up and throw that scan magic on me, fluffy. "I think I have to beat up lots of weak foes or some powerful people. It triggers when I do things I should be gaining experience from, I'd figure." Translating RPG mechanics into real mechanics, yo.

"I've got an idea, ze!" Marisa raises her hand!

"Yes?" Patchouli turns to her.

"Have Alice make some dolls for him to beat up, ze!" Marisa smirks at her, before turning to Alice. "You can do that, right?"

Shifting her arms behind her back, Alice scowls at Marisa. "I don't make them to just be destroyed, you know…"

Slouching, Marisa looks over at her, stepping around me to get to the puppeteer with her hands on her hips. "Aha yeah, okay. Dude, you can make like a river of expendables if you feel like it. And what about them easy cards, huh? Them ones with the red dresses ain't expendable either?"

...At the human's beratement, Alice gives in. "Well if you're _really_ this insistent that I waste mana, then so be it. If this human gets hurt, I expect you to contribute a potion to him."

With that, the puppeteer raises her arms into the air. "Scarlet Sign. Red-Haired Dutch Dolls, easy."

Oo~h, shit yo! I ready my plant hanger as numerous red clad, orange-haired dutch dolls materialize around Alice, and move to surround me.

Drawing my operating cross, I point it at the floor before me. "London! Cover me!"

There's nothing around me to hide behind or anything, so the dutch dolls are free to fire on me. Despite this, the red and orange haired dolls fire these barely torso-sized walls of red diamonds. Since this card's on easy, there's like… no bullets, and what bullets _are_ here are slow as molasses.

Ti-tink- thunk- clank! London takes numerous hits as she stands still and fires bursts of yellow diamond danmaku like a sentry-

Clack- thud- clank clank! Three slow, strafing dutch dolls are torn down by the danmaku, falling to the floor and shattering-

 _Bam!_ A full on wall of red diamond danmaku from a nearer doll strikes London-

Clang, clang, clang. London drops to the floor, bouncing against the carpet uselessly as she falls apart...

...Noticing Remilia's bat still on my shoulder, I get an idea.

To cancel a spell, I need to beat up the caster, right?

Tearing the bat off 'a my shoulder, I toss it in the air, and it flaps erratically before me-

 _Crack!_ A strike of my hanger sends it roaring towards Alice-

Woosh. She dodges it with ease, despite seemingly having been reading a book at that moment. "...This is _practice_ , not a serious spell card battle. Do you want me to hurt you?"

"Yes." I inform her, raisin' my hanger like a war hero. "Hurt me plenty!" I'll fight like _hell!_

Narrowing her eyes, Alice gives me a single nod. "Okay." She casts her arm forward-

Shanghai roars out towards me, lance ready. Oh shit oh shit-

 _Cla~ng!_ Reacting on impulse, I take a girly super close swing at her and somehow bat her aside-

I hear the roar of a red dutch doll firing behind me-

 _Fwam!_ A wall of red diamonds become one with my back. " _Fu~ack!_ " Oow~! Ow! What the fu- aagh!

Stumbling forward, I run as more dolls move with surprising aggression to flank me.

The hair on the back of my neck stands as I bob and weave through the fucking swarm of red diamond chunks that come my way. The beautiful waves of red accent how much fucking pain's throbbing through me just from that one wall of _easy_ danmaku.

"Dance, ze, dance!" Marisa, you fucking sadist…

Twirling my operating cross in my offhand, I channel my energy into it. "London please for the love of fuck I need you…"

 _Ow-_ shit! I _grazed_ a danmaku wall and- _wow_. Just _wow_... that was like a bee sting. Fff~...

Eventually, London re-emerges from behind a bookshelf, despite her broken parts still resting on the floor.

Alice blinks owlishly. "There it is…!"

Oh fuck no please no I'm cornered. Fuck.

Despite London being on the field, I seem fucked. Crouching, I shield myself with my arms as the danmaku from the dolls closes in on me, ready to accept my fate. Good night, world.

…

A moment later, the dolls and danmaku are all gone.

"That was what I wanted to see." Alice floats up to where I summoned London, which was some random point in the air uselessly over the battlefield. "How… baffling. Genuinely."

Right after she says this, the orbs of light thing happens again, my body glowing warmly as _things_ happen. Once they fade, I feel a rush of energy, which is slightly offset by my immense danmaku pain. Oo~f...

Patchouli floats up to me next! "Interesting. It seems to be some sort of… power augmentation magic. It seems offensively weak, however. Whoever cast it on you must have been new to the art."

Huh. That's… curious. Someone gave me with level up bullshit? How many bucks you wanna bet it was Yukari?

...Then, Patchouli floats a tome over to herself, and grasps it. "It seems you've also learned to utilize enchanted items. Did Alice teach you?"

"No." Alice immediately glances down at us from above. "I taught him nothing. Considering that impossible task you sent him on, I figured he was competent."

Marisa's on her broom, doing slow cuddly circles in the background. "You still owe me for that, Patchy. Shit wasn't cool."

Patchouli _snorts_ , yo. "Ahah. He is a simple outsider, and here he figured out how to read enchantments within a day. Goes to show how backwards that surly village is."

...Looking over at Marisa, Patchy shakes her head. "Also, no, I owe you nothing. Do not speak with such arrogance, lest I revoke this session's ceasefire."

"...Alright. Sorry." Marisa backs down, yo. "Still… at least have the balls ta come get 'em yourself. Next time ya send a stupid kid, he ain't comin' back."

Smirking, Patchouli starts to float back towards her desk. "One day I may make good on that. But for now, such a chore is too troublesome."

...Marisa exhales, before grinning. "I dunno why ya don't just wait 'till I'm dead."

"Why wait when I can make that happen now?" Patchy jests as she sits back down…

"I didn't come here to listen to you two make love." Alice suddenly inserts herself into the conversation, drifting back down with London in her arms.

"I'm sure you'd know about that." Patchouli smiles at her, actually ignoring her freakin' tome. "You are right, however. That's enough of that…"

...Is the magi love triangle a thing here? Actually, yeah, I should ask that. "Do you all fuck eachother?"

…

Patchouli just gives me a tired stare.

Marisa grins, shaking her head. "Aw, yeah. Smoochie smoochie in the coochie, Patchy-chan."

"Call me that again and there will be an inferno." Patchouli gets irritated…!

"You're _really_ trying us, aren't you?" Alice stares at me disdainfully. "Although I suppose such a jeer was well timed..."

And then there's someone new!

A yellow-haired fairy runs out from the shelves, arms raised as she wordlessly bounds towards me.

"Yo man what the fuck…" I start backing up, but she keeps running towards me…!

Arching my arm back, I let it reel for a moment as I envision fire and channel this energy within me to the arm… then I cast it forward-

The fireball hits the yellow maid! "Ahn!? A-aah… aah! _Aa~h!_ " Yelling, she starts stumbling back whilst ablaze, feeling at herself. "N-nnn~...! Nnn-"

 _Pi~chun!_ She died after a large stone block fell from above, crushing both her and the blaze. What the fuck.

...I turn to Patchy.

"Do refrain from starting fires in the library." She wags a finger at me fluffily. "Or else that block will go on you."

...Ooo~!

"That said, good on you for mastering that fire prefab." Patchouli looks back down into her tome. "It's probably without a doubt the weakest of its kind. Your adaptation to it was remarkably fast, however." Aww… got some Patchy points, yo.

…

With little else to do, and the mages freakin' bickering quietly amongst one another, I start to turn away-

Remilia lands on my shoulder again, flapping wildly. Wahaha! Sorry, yo, I had to find out!

"Say, about that London doll." Alice suddenly speaks up from the airspace above Patchy's desk.

...I turn to her. "Yo~."

Quickly drifting down before me, she takes a few steps closer. "I noticed how London performed in the previous fight… and it was curiously inept. I would like to revise her, and see what… changes you may have somehow made inadvertently to cause her to revive as she does. As such, I will need that cross back for now."

Alright, yo. "How long'll it take?" I start takin' out the London cross...

Alice tilts her head side to side a few times. "About… a day or two, give or take."

"No problem." I give her a thumbs up. Quick enough turn around, if I don't die or get raped by then.

Alice smiles. "Good. I'll be off then."

She starts floating up and away, before stopping in the air and turning towards the clearing again. "Don't make a mess of yourself, Marisa."

Marisa smirks at her, calling back just as snugly. "Don't worry, Alice-ze. I'll try."

Thunk. Patchouli lightly brought down a tome on Marisa's head via levitation magic. "Ow~..."

"I'll be off aswell..." I tell the two, opting to walk out myself.

"See ya later, ze!" Marisa calls out, a hand in the air and upon her head once more.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Aa~h… freakin'... that danmaku that hit me earlier left me all stiff. Jeez. I feel so _weak_...

In spite of the probable impending doom or rape or what have you, I walk down the hallway to the kitchen. "I don't even know where the kitchen is, but I'm gonna find it!" I was in the dining room prior, so it couldn't be far!

As I navigate through a hallway intersection, I suddenly notice Reimu walking beside me. Where'd she come from…!?

"What the frik…" I grin at her. "Hi, Reimu. Can we cuddle?"

"No." Aww. But you're _cute_. "While I'm still in the neighborhood, I wanted to talk about your… self defense. Since you're human and all, I can't necessarily just leave you here to become a fairy toy, even after this incident is said and done."

Aw, good. Hakurei insurance, yo.

"Basically: can you defend yourself?" Reimu quizzes me! Stopping in place, she props her arms on her hips.

...I hold up my plant hanger. "I can hit stuff."

...Reimu seems to deflate. "Didn't you have that doll…?"

"Alice took it for maintenance." I grin back at her.

Reimu almost looks like she pities me. Freakin'...

"I also got this bat!" I gesture to Remilia's spy cam bat!

"Yeah. Remilia totally won't just sit and watch you get taken captive or eaten." Reimu dryly critiques my company. "How long have you been here?"

"A day or two. Or three." I nod enthusiastically. Wahaha!

Reimu gives the dreaded feedback. "Your luck's gonna run out."

"Yeah, I know." I slouch a bit and sigh. There doesn't seem to be a lot I can do, though...

"For the time being, here." Reimu raises a yin yang orb from her pocket, and expands it. "I can make as many of these as I want, so…"

She pushes it forward, at first softly, but then it accelerates, glowing more blue as it gains speed-

 _Bam!_ It ended up lodged in the wall.

"Uhm… whoops." Reimu blankly stared at her mistake.

Remilia's batling flew from my shoulder and began batting itself against Reimu, which the miko dissuaded with some waves of her hand...

Gingerly, she walks up and plucks it out of the wall, an indentation left where it hit. Dusting it off, Reimu looks over at me… "This whole situation's Remilia's fault, anyway."

The bat is angrier!

Reimu tosses the orb to me oh shit-

Oo~f! I got it! I~ caught the torso-sized orb-

Thud. I fell onto my back, Reimu's yin yang orb rolling off of me...

"Take it. If you kick it or hit it really hard it should fly around and hit stuff, and it hurts." Reimu provides! "You don't really have to be a Hakurei just to hit the orb around. It does holy and danmaku damage, so it should be a good defense against anything that moves."

This gives me a glorious idea. "I may not need to have to kick it around…!"

Reimu tilts her head. "Oh? Throwing it outright doesn't work well… and you don't seem to be in condition to lift anything heavier than a pillow."

Son. I shake my head. "I've got a better idea…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Movin' on out of my room again, I display the new device to Reimu!

"Gaze at it and be amazed!" I had two bra cups latched to some more panties, and it was all tied onto the end of the panty rope. "It's like a sling flail!"

Reimu double takes. "You _what_."

Wohehehe~!. "I know, right? Yo~. This is my _weapon_ , dude."

...Reimu closes her eyes, pressing a hand against the bridge of her nose. "You're going to get killed out there, I just know it."

"Aa~h, relax, this thing's dynamic enough. Also," I start swinging the sling around! "If I do this-"

 _Bam._ I swing it with enough force that the knot around the cups unfurls and the yin-yang orb flies out and smashes into the wall again. "...Oh."

Reimu just facepalms, cringing so hard it looked like I landed a body blow on her. "Nn~h…"

Eheh. "Let's try this again…" Time to go fix it!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Walkin' back out, with the yin-yang orb held onto the panty-rope by the bra-sling again. This time, care has been taken to make like ten knots where the sling is!

"It should hold this time!" I start swinging it around again. Clunky but is at least partially a weapon!

Cautiously, Reimu backs away as I spin it around. "You're going to behead someone with that."

Wahaha! "That's the idea, yo!"

...Letting it slow down, I let it-

 _Thud._ -land beside me. If I'm not careful, I'm 'onna hit myself with this thing…!

"Don't bash your skull in with it." Reimu dryly advises, staring at the flail with an unsure expression.

The bat upon my shoulder's just been unresponsive this whole time, staring at the flail in probable disbelief…

...Stomping starts to make itself known down the hall. It's light, but it's loud.

Oh. It's that yellow fairy maid again, comin' to _get me_ , dude.

Reimu glances at it. She brings up a hand, ofuda slipping into it...

"Hold on, yo! I've got this!" I yell out! Test fire time again!

Taking pause, she just looks back at me blankly. "You sure?"

The yellow fairy maid runs towards me, looking wordlessly determined…!

I swing the rather clunky yin-yang flail around, and back away so that the fairy maid would run into the orb when approaching me…

The orb begins glowing brighter and brighter blue the faster it spins...

It almost appears as if she gets lucky enough to just bound between period she could be struck, but-

 _Pi~chun!_ The yin yang orb nailed her in the torso, the glow and velocity it had quickly fading after it freakin' blew away that fairy.

...At that, Reimu nodded. "It looks like you've got things under control for now. I've got somewhere I need to be, so I can't stick around. Do think about an actual weapon like… I don't know, a sword. _Something_. I don't wanna come back and find you buried in a pile of naked fairies with your brains screwed out."

I make an 'okay' sign with my hand. "A'right, yo. S'all goo~d, Reimu~. Hoo hoo~!"

...Raising her eyebrows, Reimu turns and starts romping away. Hoh…

...

Remilia's batling darted off my shoulders again and flew in front of me, flapping up and down. It then took off into the hallway.

"Hey, wait up!" I run after it 'cause I've got nothing better to do!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We're in Remilia's private bedroom, which for some reason has a mirror on a vanity and a window leading to the upper roof of the manor.

The room has a similar scarlet design to it, with an elegant overhung bed in one corner of the room. There's also a coffin against the wall- I suppose she likes to keep her options open, but I don't imagine coffins being comfortable.

We sat at a table in the middle of the room, existing...

Does Remilia ever get tired of drinking tea? She's gonna drown herself in the stuff one day.

"So, how was your day?" She asks, grinning at me with her hands interlocked.

'Cause you wouldn't already know. "You were there. _No._ " Freakin'...

She snorts, "Quite, I'd suppose."

We sit together for a few moments, and Remilia stretches her neck a bit. "Aa~h..."

I yawn. Relaxing moments are nice…

"I'm thirsty." Oo~hp, ohp, there we go. That's why I'm here!

"Why, Remilia, you're drinking tea as we speak." I point out, grinning somewhat warily. Time to pray this follows the material where she's a light eater!

...Calmly, she rises from her chair and slowly walks over to me. "I think you know what I mean." She puts a hand on my shoulder.

Looking over at her, I find her red, slightly luminous eyes peering into mine. "You wouldn't mind, though. _That_ I am sure of."

Ooh- ooh. There's something… really weird about those red eyes of hers. I can't help but stare into them, transfixed by the light and the dim red glow they exude.

"So if I were to propose that I may…" Leaning closer to me- even if we're about the same height 'cause I'm seated- her face hovers above my neck. "Drink. If I wished to drink, you wouldn't find it within you to deny me. There's no reason I shouldn't, of course. It's just something so easy."

Yeah, she's totally right. That, and… "If my sources are correct, you're a light drinker, right?" I question. I mean, she most totally definitely is because she said so, but for my peace of mind...

Remilia blinks, her eyes flickering back to normal. "... _How_ did you learn that after being here for _three days?_ "

Suddenly I feel the sensations of not being zonked rush over me. "Woah! Freakin'... Gensokyian jet lag!" Was I in trance? Did Remilia just freakin' hypnomatize me!? How freakin' weird...

...Remilia's staring at me expectantly. Oh, right. "Internet, yo."

...She tilted her head. "Speak sense."

Freakin' _ancient europeans_. "I knew a guy who knows a guy."

...She just blinks.

"People, from places and things. You know… the ones." I elaborate!

...Shaking her head, she exhales. "Yes. The ones. In any case, you would be correct…"

Leaning in again, she nears my neck, breathing on it. "Therefore, you cannot refuse. It's a simple, arbitrary fee, really. Hardly even a tax."

She smells faintly of a sorta really elegant flower scent. Like, it's very _fair_ but noticeable…

Then, her lips and mouth met my neck. "Nnn…"

Oo~h. On entry, I feel myself relax, leaning back into my seat and looking into the air. The sensation makes me feel tingly-

Ow ow- why is there a delay on the pain!? It's like getting _vaccines!_ It's not terrible but fuck! Why~ was there a delay!?

I clench my teeth and fists, managing the pain, as it gradually fades...

Bringing her head away somewhat hastily, Remilia licked her lips and- for some reason- rubbed a fang with her hand. "Eugh. What the hell do you eat?"

"Highly processed junk foods!" I reply cheerfully!

Snorting, she scrunches her face a little as she licks her fangs. "You just described the taste to a T. It makes for a snack, but I would be lying were I not to say… it is an _acquired_ taste, one I'd rather not get used to."

With that, she sips her tea to rid her mouth of the taste, before smiling down at it. "There…"

Wahaha! "Yeah, I'd probably say that if I were a vampire, too." I do not have good eating habits!

Remilia doesn't respond, still looking down at her teacup.

...

I stand up and yawn. Kinda tired for some reason... "I should probably go become one with the bed now- actually hold on. I don't have London for now and that fairy maid'd probably destroy me in my sleep. Oh shit."

Remilia raises a brow. "That so?"

Whelp. I sit down again. "Every night she's sprawled out on the floor in front of my bed. S'cause she gets wiped out by London's danmaku. I leave her there and she's gone due come the next night, but by morning she's back."

Remilia chuckles. "Determined scamp, if I do say so myself. Cowardly, but determined."

Good, good, except my virginity is on the line here. "I'm kinda in need of a defensive sentry, yo..."

...Remilia grins. "I've got an idea, actually…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We look at the mannequin stationed in my bed. "I think I'm rubbing off on you." I add, grinnin' at Remilia.

"I'd rather you didn't. I don't want my dress stained." Remilia dryly rebukes.

"Pffft- wahaha! Alright, you got me there. Dayum." Yo~! On the spot improv, man! The true charisma of a vampire…!

...Anyway, the mannequin was comprised of a soccer ball for a head and pillows for the body. The doll was rigged with _explosives_ , because fuck fairy maids. Dunno where Remi found _bombs_ , but she was apparently bored enough to rig up a room for shits and giggles.

A fake London doll was casted by a plushie of Remilia. Why did she have a plushie of herself anyway…?

In any case, if this hooligan was sleeping in my bed, I dunno where else I'd be for the night.

…

Looking over at her, I question things. "Where do me sleep do?"

"I was half hoping you'd sleep with the bombs." Remilia jeered. Yeah okay. "Oh, well. Come sleep in my bed with me." Wait what.

Oh boy. "You's a pervert too?"

She furrows her brows at me. "Not like _that_. It's a big bed, and you're curious enough to warrant a _little_ benevolence from me."

Ooh. Curious enough for attention, huh…? "What was that about rubbing off on you?"

Remilia scowls, turning away and walking off. "Nevermind. You can sleep on the floor."

"I've slept on worse! Like jagged rocks! Those suck!" Wahaha!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I lied down on the floor; the carpet was fluffy. "It's better than those old hardwood floors from my old house!" I provided. Those things were cold!

Remilia shakes her head. "Where the hell did you sleep?"

I give Remilia my best fake expression of confusion. "I slept? Yo, the only rest I got was two hour power naps. I plowed through the next twenty hours in a haze of kool-aid and assorted inconveniences."

Remilia was only more befuddled by my elaboration. "How... apt."

Boom! The mansion vibrated!

I pumped my arm up from my position on the floor! "Boom! Shake shake shake the room!" That musta been the bomb going off in my old room!

Remilia chuckled. "Fufufu~..."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The sun was high in the air as I stepped outta the Scarlet Devil Mansion's front gate, free for the first time in a freakin' millennium, yo...

Marisa bursts out laughing at the sight of my new _armament_. "Whah-... what the _hell_ is that supposed to be, ze!? Is that wa- one of Reimu's yin-yang orbs!? Weh- where- wahahaha~!"

Reimu glares at me. "If that thing doesn't get you killed, I will." Hoh, shit…!

Sheepishly, I jest with her anyway! "...Do ya mean you'll _get_ me killed and then kill me, or that you'll just kill me?"

"Yes." Reimu held her cuddly glower.

"Oh." Aaaa~h, aaaa~h!

"See you guys later!" Meiling waves goodbye to us from the gate, closing it after we're all outside of it. I've still yet to hold an actual conversation with her!

After she gives us that brief parting, we all walk forward down the path away from the mansion. Marisa's floatin' though… on her broom!

"So~..." Marisa makes some discussifications! "You from the outside, ah?"

"Yeah, yo." I nod back at her as I walk at her side. "Went from a life of nothing important to a life of nothing important! Except now with rapists!"

Grinnin' at me, Marisa adds onto that. "Heheh. Pro'lly better to get loved on by fairies than ta get gobbled up by big mean youkai out here, though."

This is _true_...

"That's not to say that's a good idea." Reimu annotates on the idea of getting raped by fairy folk. "I don't recall it ever happening, but I… don't _really_ wanna see it happen."

"Aaw." Marisa looks over at her, grinning. "It'd be an interesting experiment, though."

"You _know_ fairies, though." Reimu counters. "They'd just toss him away after a few days, once they get bored."

"Y'could _say_ that…" Marisa seems to doubt this for some reason!

...Momentary silence, yo. Hoh.

After a few moments, we come up to the lake! S'not that far from the mansion proper...

The leaves on the nearby trees gently flow as the breeze caresses the lakeside. The morning's light rays wash over the land, giving light and innocent, almost nostalgia inducing illumination. What can I say, yo? The glow of the land's pretty enchanting!

"We'd be going so much faster if he could fly…" Marisa pouts as she begins hovering in cuddly circles around us…

"We'll need him." Reimu outright states.

"Pfft…" Marisa stops doin' circles and just looks at her doubtfully. "How?"

Reimu shrugs. "Got a feeling. More the merrier, anyway. Just a fairy incident."

Shaking her head, Marisa grins knowingly. "Of course you do, ze. What if they beat us, and we all end up as fairy play things?"

Reimu grins back at her. "Oh well. Life is rough."

…

"Look! Down there!" Voices!

I look up at the voices!

Overhead, there are three sunflower fairies, all descending down towards us. They've all got blonde hair and green dresses, yo...

Reimu throws an arm outward-

Pi-Pi~chun! Two fairies die instantly to a salvo of three ofuda that whirl upwards. That was fast…!

"Waah!?" The last fairy friend darts to the side.

Marisa nimbly slides out her mini-hakkero, aiming it up at the fairy. A wimpy, translucent beam lights up out of it, almost like a flash light-

Pi~chun! It kills the fairy quickly anyway. The battle was over in a few simple attacks!

"...I say we ski across across the water." I slowly turn to the bat still on my shoulder…!

"Aw..." Glancing at me, Marisa then turns to her friend. "Can we, Reimu? It'll help us solve the incident!"

"Yeah." Reimu agrees- "No." Oh. Nevermind...

"Why~?" Whining, Marisa drifts closer to her friend. "It's a fun idea~..."

The miko's stare is unassuming. "Freezing to death in the lake isn't one of my high priorities."

"No fun, ze…" Marisa folds her arms, drifting back between me and her. "Winter's almost here, y'know. Like, s'not like-"

Patatatat! Woah, shit!

I'm nearly nailed by some colorful mixed bullets that pass by us! Reimu and Marisa end up grazing the oncoming waves as if they saw them coming all along, but freakin'... they came outta literally nowhere! The air wants me dead now…!

"'Fraid I can't let you past here, mates!" A rather british fairy's voice resounds overhead.

"I think you can, _noob!_ " I yell back!

"Nnn...!" Luna Child- the yellow fairy- grunts audibly as she starts diverting from their fairy formation to home in on Reimu.

"We're gonna have fun fun fu~n when we're done here, guys!" Sunny Milk boasts!

Marisa suddenly accelerates away from me and Reimu and breakneck speed, Sunny Milk lagging behind her and firing big orange stars in her wake…

Reimu flies straight up, causing the charging Luna to almost faceplant in the lakeside grass in her attempts to veer up and after the miko.

That means…

Star Sapphire's got bullets 'wit my _name_ on 'em!

"Waa~haha~h!" Time to _dance!_ With my plant hanger wielded, I start running to the side…!

A line of blue, star shaped bullets roar past my back as I move.

Like this, I keep turning right until I go in a complete circle!

"Whah…?" Star herself ends up missing me, apparently having gone for a grapple but my circular movement throwing her off. "Bloody…"

Pulling my plant hanger from my hammerspace bag, I hold it up defensively! "I'm gonna feed you ten inches 'a _steel_ , _son!_ "

Pivoting back around, she leers at me. "Hehehe~h. I'm'onna feed you ten pints of _me_ , yeah? Why don't you just give up?" Ten pints of _you?_ The fuck's _that_ mean…!?

 _Fwam!_ A magical impact happens somewhere in the background...

"Aau~h…!" I see Luna spiral out of the air, crackling with danmaku energy-

Pi~chun! She explodes on impact with the ground.

"Scratch one down, ze!" Marisa does a wide circle in the air as she pumps an arm up victoriously!

Sunny's still roaring after her, this time shooting huge, slow moving red orbs in her wake. "Slow do~wn! Who the hell let ya move so fast!?"

Reimu appears in the air before the fairy, seemingly phasing into existence from freakin' nowhere.

Sunny's eyes widen. "Oh- no no no-"

Thwa-thwack! Reimu stops the fairy in the air with two strokes of her gohei, a downward blow followed by a horizontal one.

"Oww~!" Sunny reels back, wincing-

 _Thwack!_ Reimu unleashed a spinning combo finisher in the fairy, sending her soaring off. "Wooa~h!?"

...Slowly, the fairy began to descend, until-

 _Splash!_ Sunny landed somewhere in the middle of the lake. Get owned, noob, get owned.

" _Pay attention!_ " Oh, fuck!

 _Thud!_ I wince as Star soars into me and tackles me to the floor. "I- I don't know how my _idiot_ friends lost, but… I'm not going down without getting somewhere!"

I whack her in the side with my hanger, but she just ignores it and tries to lean down towards my face-

I grab her face with my free arm! "Bad touch! Bad _tou~ch!_ "

"Nnh…!" Star struggles as I begin to push her off me. Star's like… _half my height_ as opposed to the more tall fairies from the manor, and naturally this lends to me having a far easier time breaking binds and grapples!

Sitting up, I start pushing her off me easily enough with jabs from my plant hanger and my hand in her face- "Omf!"

 _Ouch!_ Motherfucker bit my _hand!_ Aaa~h!

Reeling my other arm back, I gave her a good stomach jab-

 _Thunk_ Ooo~, I _heard_ that.

"Nnn~..." Star's face tears up as she backs off of me, releasing my hand from her mouth. "Fu- fuck…"

She stands easily enough since she's short, but I take a little more deliberation getting back up…

Once she's a few feet back from me, she glares at me with teary eyes. "Fucking _wanker!_ _Here!_ " She aims both arms forward-

 _Patatatat!_ A huge gush of randomly fired blue projectiles of varying shapes slams me in the f _ace_.

" _Aaa~h!_ " I yell because _ouch!_ Ho~ly _shit!_ Aaagh…!

I fall back, body crackling with danmaku energy… oww~...

 _Thud._ Star loudly plops down on my waist, and rips the hanger from my hands. "Hahaha~! Yes! Yea-"

 _Thunk._ Marisa casually brings her broom against the back of the fairy's head, her swipe so slow and prompt that it looked effortless.

…Star flops onto me peacefully, unconscious.

...Marisa just shakes her head at me, smirking. "Wow. You're even worse at this than I thought, dude."

I sigh at her words. "Freakin'... ahaa~h…" Still in agony…!

"Look…" Taking off her hat, the witch digs into it. "I ain't gonna do this every time ya fall down and get a booboo, so play yer cards more carefully next time."

She takes out a red potions, and kneels next to me. "Open up or I'll pour it all over yer face."

I comply, and she uncorks the potion and freakin' jams it into my mouth.

Almost choking 'cause of how abruptly it began, I somehow nimbly guzzle down all the red liquid that was in the round bottle…

Oh my god that tastes like… eeu~gh. It's like perfume but worse. It's like cold medicine! Freakin'-...

Oh, hey. Woah!

I begin to stand, dusting myself off and putting my hanger away. "Woa~h…"

Holy crap. Dude-... I feel things heal that I didn't even know I had a problem with!

Cr-crack! I crack my back. "Ho~ly shit…"

Marisa giggles. "Wow. Ya sound like a corpse!"

Sitting at a computer for eighteen years does that to you…! Wait, I'm eighteen _now_. More like… ten years! A decade of shitposting and wasting my life away on crappy flash game sites!

Reimu lands near us. Hoh…

Pushing the loli fairy off 'a me, I get back up…

"It's only gonna be harder from here in." Reimu instructs me. "You can go back to the mansion now, if you really want. You don't seem cut out for this."

"Nah, fuck that, yo." I grin back at her! "I'm seein' this shit through. These're the greatest fights of my life!"

Marisa chuckles. "O~h, man. You're _so_ fucked." Wahaha!

...Shaking her head, the miko turns and continues forward. "Suit yourself."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After roaming around the lake with our eyes open, we see the Forest of Magic on the horizon. It's alight with danmaku particles and fairies bum rushing each other in the skies over the forest...

Around the edge of the woods, our team stood on the path outside the Hakurei Shrine… which I'll probably just refer to as Hakurei path or something like that. S'an apt name!

...For some reason, the huge maelstrom of fairies stops fighting one another, and they begin beelining for us!

"...Good fight." I smile at the incoming fuckfest. "We gonna run, o~r…?" I know Marisa and Reimu are badasses, but a few hundred fairies seems a bit u~h...

Marisa adjusts her hat. "Run? Pussy~. Watch 'n' learn."

Bringing up her mini-hakkero, Marisa aimed at the cloud ahead. "Love Sign…" Oh, boy! I get to see the big kaboom spell!

"Spirit Sign…" Oo~h, Reimu too? Just gonna freakin' nuke 'em outta existence…!

...The fairy horde started to get closer, a rainbow of hair colors, dresses, and flowers wielded by the innumerable numbers-

" _Master Spaa~rk!_ "

"Fantasy Seal!"

VRRRRRRRR~

The undeniable laser of arguable love went off right next to me, deafening me. Despite expecting it, I still flinched like freakin' crazy…!

A column of stunningly vibrant rainbow colors roared off into the distance, colliding with the cloud of fairies and tearing through their ranks. Despite this, all it kinda did was poke a needle into the crowd-

Reimu floats into the air over the spark, her yin yang orbs not only around her and maximized, but glowing with vibrant, rainbow energy.

After doing a revolution around her form, they all roar outward one by one to assault the incoming fairies-

 _Fwam! Fwam! Fwa-fwam! Fwam, fwam, fwam!_ The seven orbs create massive rainbow shockwaves in the air where they impact, noticeable ripples pulsing among the ranks of the fairies that weren't immediately blown away.

"Spirit Sign…" Ooo. Again? "Hakurei Illusion." ...That's not one of her trademark spells!

Fwam. A single wave of small white pellets revolves out from her.

…

Was… that it?

Oh, woah. From the air behind her, yin yang orbs that I didn't see her toss all expand and enlarge to be the size of _her_.

These maximized orbs didn't glow or even begin to glow as they began roaring out to bombard the fairies wildly, as if they were a giant shotgun spread...

 _Fwam_. Reimu fired one small, aimed spread of danmaku ofuda in their wake, before drifting to the side-

 _Fwam_. -and creating a spherical shield from talismans.

...I watch as some mixed retaliating danmaku from the fairies ahead whirled into the interlocking, revolving talisman shield. The glowing danmaku papers ate them up no problem, yo.

After the shotgun spread of people-sized ofuda orbs tore into the fairy cloud, they all began to dissipate, moving in any direction that clearly meant 'getting away from the miko'. This also included freakin'... straight up. They must go now, their planet needs them…!

"Haven't seen ya break that one out in a lo~ng time." Marisa comments on Reimu's second spell!

"For good reason. It's pretty effective on big crowds, though." Reimu drifts back down to meet with us…

Wow. Guess these girls are some real deals, then! Geez. They're supposed to be humans like me…!?

With that, Marisa 'n' Reimu continue moving forward into the woods, traversing down a not-so trodden path rife with overgrowth and freakin'... plants. I stumbled down it last time I went this way so the tangled ass situation's nothing new to navigate!

I move to follow the friends...

"Hehehe~!" Oh shit. That sounded like fairy friends, except really close somewhere. Freakin'...

"We got friends!" I exclaim, reachin' into my bag for a weapon…!

"And?" Marisa doesn't really care, still drifting ahead. "They know not ta move, ze. An' if they do, Reimu'll clobber 'em."

As we continue deeper into the woods, the ambient lighting dims and deepens, everything becoming a pale blue as the sun's light fades and the forest's glowing atmosphere becomes more prominent.

"He~y!" I hear a fairy shout something in the distance. Like, not at us, just somewhere.

Reimu yawns. "Haau~h…"

"Hehe~." Marisa is smug towards that, for some reason.

The foliage all around us starts to shift! Oh boy…

A salvo of fairies dart out from behind a thick tree ahead of us, taking to the sky.

"Yea~h!" Eager to take out some pent up aggression, Marisa rockets after them.

Out of boredom, Reimu seems to rocket after her, the both of them leaving me on the ground here with the rustling foliage. Good.

"Hehehe~!" I hear giggling around me!

Reaching into my bag, I start to draw my flail… "Yo. Uu~h, hey. Fairy people. How's it goin'?"

I start to hear whispers, which gradually grow louder as the fairies act less subtle about existing. "He's kinda cute…"

"You're stupid, Bubble-chan."

"More like _Boobie-chan!_ Hahaha!"

"Hey, Lightflower. What's your favorite flavor of flower?"

"...I swear Neon, if you-"

"Mine's _chocolate!_ Hehehe~!"

There's an audible sigh from somewhere in the brush. Jesus Christ, I'm surrounded!

They've all got various colored dresses, though they're not ornate or intricately detailed. Just frilly...

My heart jumps a little as I realize I'm probably fucked. What'm I supposed to- what _can_ I do? Wait. Actually…

Fairies with hair of various colors and heights begin to stand from the brush, some flushed, some indifferent, and others just happy to be alive.

" _Noobs!_ " No holds barred! Let's go! "Come 'n' get me, sluts! Bo~nk! Bohoho~nk!" Wahaha! I start spinning the flail in anticipation!

"Whaa~!?" I got someone's attention!

"Hehehe. He's _afraid_ …" This fairy be _psychic!_ Or maybe just observant…

A stout, blonde-haired sunflower fairy speaks up. "...He-hey, Bubble-chan, don't just run at him! Bubble-chan, no-"

'Bubble-chan', this tall blue-haired fairy with a huge rack, runs at me-

 _Whack!_ She's smacked aside by the flail! "Whaa~h!"

This action prompts most of the other fairies to just run at me, to the disdain of the stout blonde one…!

 _Wha-wha-whack!_ My arms begin to burn from exertion, both arms clung tightly to the base of the rope as I kneeled and swung the flail with the most power I could muster, the yin yang orb glowing brightly as it spun faster and faster. "Wooaa~h!"

 _Whack!_ "Ow- ow, ow!"

 _Whack!_ "Oou~gh…"

 _Woosh!_ A green-haired fairy flew over it, and shot a spread of green, round orbs at me. "Hahaha~!"

The blonde fairy aimed her sunflower at me-

 _Chu- Chu- Chu- Chu!_ Thin, yellow lasers slide into my form in spurts, causing me to shut my eyes as pulsing, stinging sensations wash through my body. "Wouu~ooh…!" Ho~ly _crap!_ Aaa~h!

"Aah!" A brunette fairy's legs are swept under her as she tries to half ass flying over the flail.

 _Pi~chun!_ _Someone_ freakin' exploded, but I dunno who!

 _Fwam!_ A thick, magenta orb from somewhere explodes next to me, causing me to yell. "Hnra~h! I am king of the _pira~tes!_ " Fuck yo~u!

 _Wha-wha-whack!_ More melee attempts are usurped by the spinning flail, but a growing layer of smart fairies overhead of me start to make getting out of this a more and more impossible prospect-

 _Pi~chun!_

Reimu is suddenly in the midst of the swarm, the yellow fairy annihilated with one downward stroke.

This fairy with hot pink hair and dress turns to her, eyes widening. "Oh…!?"

 _Pi~chun!_ Reimu cleaves her back into mana with one horizontal blow.

Grinning, the green haired fairy claps her hands. " _Bye!_ "

A sudden wall of green danmaku rockets out towards Reimu-

The miko vanishes. The danmaku slows as it passes her, either as a defensive thing or something. I dunno why the fairy made it do that!

"Hi." Reimu reappears behind the fairy-

 _Pi~chun!_ Reimu clobbers her with a spinning strike, the blow shattering the fairy's form.

Immediately, the remaining fairies begin to stumble back or fly away, not entirely eager to take on the Hakurei shrine maiden in combat…

'Bubble-chan' stands up, her fists clenched. "You! I'm gonna hurt yo~u…!" She starts running at Reimu windmill style!

...Reimu dryly watches the fairy, drifting back leisurely as the fairy slowly flails towards her. Once she had her fill of watching the fairy, she kicked forward-

 _Wham!_ The fairy's legs buckled at the kick to her gut, and she collapsed. "Oo~ww…"

...

 _Thud._ I bring my flail to a stop in the dirt, the fatigue from spinning it pulsing in my arms. "Holy shit…"

Marisa slowly descends near us. "Oh, hey. See, Reimu? Didn't die in the ten seconds we left 'em here!"

"Barely." Reimu landed on the ground, apparently not even winded by all that… _teleporting_ and swinging she did. I didn't even know Reimu _had_ warps.

"That flail actually came in handy, too." Marisa grinned at me. "Color me surprised, ze. Then again, fairies ain't all that hard to beat to death, even with stupid shit."

Yeah thanks. You try freakin'... fighting a horde with nothing but a flail made of panties and a plant hanger.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We step into Marisa's battered-ass house.

"Oh, man." I looked at the exterior which was in shambles from both what the fairies did after I left, and what I did to it earlier by making Marisa blast a hole in her own wall.

"Yeah. 'Oh man'." Marisa gives me a half glare. "This is your fault, y'know."

"Yo, didn't know the fairies were rabid at the time." I put my hands up peacefully. "Please forgive the honest man, yo."

"You invaded my house 'n' took my shit." Marisa's expression sours further. "Now since ya got nothin' it's not like I can get compensated, but… just 'member, next time ya get a few yen, think 'a me, yeah?"

...She's probably justified, but I'm still going to try and weasel outta it! "You can have it back when I'm dead, yo. What's the big deal, _son?_ " Wahaha!

Marisa slides out her mini-hakkero, and jams it into my chest. "Yeah? S'that an offer?" She grins into my face, matching my own grin.

Bonk. Reimu brings down her gohei on the mage's head lightly. "Slow down, you. I'm gonna go nap in your bed." Wat.

Marisa double took. "We're 'a what now? S'that why we came back here!?"

"Mhm." Reimu nodded, moving for the back room. "Thanks for letting me sta~y."

...

Marisa ran after Reimu. "I'll be taking the bed, too!"

 _Bam._ The door shut on Marisa. "No, you won't." Reimu was heard walking towards the bed on the other side.

Marisa began banging on the bedroom door! "Reimu? Reimu~!"

...I opted to take a cushion off the couch and go sit in the corner opposite the big ass hole in the wall, just incase any unwelcome visitors try their luck.

...Hmm. One cushion is too few cushions.

Marisa stops assaulting the door, and starts looking about her counters and stuff. "Now, for why I really came here…" Mumbles to herself!

Taking all of Marisa's couch cushions, I make a mini bed next to this pile of tomes. It looks rigid enough to not fucking kill me in my sleep…

I plop onto it!

…

"At least it's _snug._ " Smiling, I cozy up against the tome pile, feeling kinda relaxed. There's something secure and homey about the corners of rooms, yo…

Snorting, Marisa looks over at me. "Oh? Pfft. Why didn'cha just crash on the couch?" She seems to be shoving potions into her hat...

"It's near the hole into the great beyond." I state aptly, looking at the giant ass hole in her house. "I'd like to be as far from it as possible, yo…"

...She nods at that. "Shit, s'true. Aah, I could always cast mines on the outside or somethin'. Don't think we'll be seein' much more than horny fairies today, an' I'd be alright wakin' up with a cutie patootie. Hehehe- y'know, ze!?"

Freakin'... "Yeah, yo." All too well! Them fairies are out for me!

Thu-thu-thud. The book pile I'm up against gives in a bit, some books flowing out onto me. At first they dig into me and freakin' destroy me, but when they stop I realize they've kinda formed a favorable configuration!

I mean, yo, think about it. They're a blanket, they're thick so they make good defense, they're… booky, so… that…

Woah. More tired… than I realized. Probably for good reason…

I doze off as Marisa gives the cushionless couch a hard stare...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...

Immediately, I realize the cushions under me are gone as I wake up. Ow~.

Marisa took the cushions and crashed on the couch! Right now I'm just… sleeping atop books whilst under books. I've become one with her pile of tomes! It's not unlike sleeping on a pile of jagged rocks…!

I clamber out of the pile- ow, ow! These books are kicking my _ass!_

"Yeowch owch- oochies- oo~h that _smarts!_ " Back, back I say! No- my leg is not your leg! Freakin'...!

Thu-thu-thud. I roll onto my back as I thrust myself from the tome pile. Oof...

...Reimu was already awake, sitting at the hole in the wall and staring out into the midday gloom. She was sitting upon a cyan-haired fairy maid, whose eyes were once again swirling.

Crunch. She bit into an apple she got from somewhere, nodding in satisfaction.

"...Huh." I stared at the familiar fairy maid. Mansion fairies are coming out _here_ to _rape me_ , my boy...

Reimu jumps a little at my noise, before turning to me. "Oh, you're up. Now…" Reimu gets up, crouches to take a jar of water from the wiped out fairy maid, and walks over to Marisa...

With one quick motion, she opens it up and tips it onto the witch's face-

 _Splash!_ "Holy fuck!" Marisa sat up straight, and then leaped off the couch. "I'm up! Where's the enemy at? Who are you?" She turns to Reimu, eyes wide! "... _What_ are you~!?" Marisa began shaking Reimu by her shoulders!

 _Slap!_ Reimu knocks some sense into her friend.

" _Oo~h…!_ " Marisa staggers to the side, clutching the cheek she got slapped on. "Damn..."

I smile and wave at her. "Good morning, sleepy one. The world is out to kill you. Goodbye, friend." I shift my smile to be somewhat sad, yet still wave cheerfully.

"Pfft…" Marisa looks over at me, brow raised and grinning. "The fuck, ze…"

Crunch. Reimu bites from her apple… "Let's go." Then, she just up and begins walking out of the side of the shack...

Marisa calls upon her broom, and hops onto it! "Yeah! Let's go, let's go!"

Time to move, yo!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We walk on the path to the human village slowly. The village wasn't too far ahead, well in sight.

From here, it looked like a freakin'... big, circular wall. Best defense, yo. I'd make a political joke, but considering the year I'm from, I have no business even caring about politics!

"I'm pretty sure Patchy said the fairies were holed up in this factory place to the left 'a the manor..." Marisa actually brings up the fact we have leads. We had leads!?

"I wanna see how the village handles itself during incidents." Reimu states plainly. "This guy existing got me thinking." She gestures to me idly.

...Marisa looks over at me. "The hell's your name again?"

"I am Brad!" Brad I am!

"Huh." Marisa nods at that name, before looking ahead. "Yeah, I can see that. I haven't kept many tabs on the village fer awhile now. Last time I checked the town guard was changin' hands… again."

Again? Hoh. Speaking of politics…!

Reimu shakes her head. "It just gets worse every year."

"Right?" Marisa chuckles. "Glad I don't hang around anymore. Shit's so deep I'd have ta freaking beat up _everyone_ to do anything, and you know Yukari likes it this way."

Yukari? Hoh, shit. Big names already…

I'm in Gensokyo, huh. Speakin' of jet lag...

We came up to the village. There's a guy at the gate…

He's got fancy silver armor on, and a doofy looking helmet that doesn't actually look like a practical helmet.

"Halt. _Who_ goes there?" A particularly tall but not so burly looking man with a spear stood ahead 'a the gate, glaring us down.

Reimu stares at him, a dull expression remaining on her face. "Who do you think?"

...The guard bends down and looks her in the eyes. "...I'll have you know _I'm_ the captain's _son_... and you'd best be showing some _respect_ to those with power, little lady. Who am I to know whether you're a _youkai_ or not? Especially when you act as you do."

...Reimu just stared at him blankly.

Marisa exhaled. "Shut the fuck up, Kotaro. Ya shouldn't even be mannin' the gate, ya sack 'a feathers."

Kotaro snorted. "Oh? Are you _really_ in a position to be mocking me? I am not he who deserted the village for… _youkai-like_ ambitions." Smiling widely, he glared at Marisa. "You are but a villain, and a disgrace to us all. Take your youkai miko from these walls, Kirisame."

...Marisa just looks over at me and Reimu, grinning widely, although I could tell it was one of those 'this fuckin' dude' grins.

I nod. "Hey, hey, guard person."

"Kotaro Aonuma." Kotaro gives me his full name. "And you?"

"Hey." I dodge the question! "Wha's the K… in 'Kotaro' stand for?"

…

Kotaro furrows his brows. "That's… a character of my name, it doesn't stand for-"

"S'it K fer _y'fookin'_ _stoopid!?_ " I lean forward and yell at him!

"Aah- I ah- nnn!?" Flinching violently, he brings his spear up high and tries to bring it down on me-

 _Clunk_. Reimu stops it with her gohei. "That's not how you solve a problem."

Wahaha! I back up, distancing myself from the frik!

...Scowling at the miko, he nods. "Hah. I'll fight you, then. Shrine maidens should know their place within these walls."

Reimu blinked. "Okay."

…

Bringing his spear away, he tried to reposition it-

Clunk. Reimu pinned it against the gate behind the guard with a two-armed motion of her gohei.

…

Letting go of the spear, he moves to grapple Reimu-

 _Thwack!_ Reimu brings the gohei across his face with a very restrained looking strike...

"Aagh…!" He's _sent spinning_ by the blow, somehow-

Thud. He lands on his side, grimacing dourly. "Blast… _youkai_ magic…"

"...Nice guy." I nod at the totally competent guard.

"Town's either on high alert, or the guy's just high." Marisa speculates, as she moves to crank the gate open…

"I won't forget this…" The guard acts like it's the end of the world!

"Yeah. I won't forget this." Reimu counters!

...Hoh. Gave that guard some food for thought!

Once the gate was cranked open, Marisa drifted inside...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The town square's empty! Well, mostly empty. Some guards're about, but they ain't about to try to play games with Reimu or Marisa here.

...Things're pretty rustic here. The buildings look like crap! Like, not even by unreasonable outside standards, I mean we got plywood huts goin' on over here! Some of the buildings look curiously developed, though...

I look around at the absence of friendly folks. "So u~h... I don't think it's normally this quiet…"

Reimu narrows her eyes. "Something's wrong."

Idly, Marisa slowly drifts ahead of her. "S'it how the guards in this town all suck? Or did that guy really bother ya?"

"What? Who?" Reimu has apparently already forgotten that. "Whatever. I mean-"

"Hehehe~!" The giggling of fairies echoes throughout the village.

The sword wielding guards around us begin to look around wildly, ready for _fairy combat_.

Marisa grins. "I think we've got our somethings! Wherever the hell they're hiding..."

 _Thoom_. Oh… okay. Something's coming to _get us_ , dude.

"Say uh…" I begin to point out that noise-

"Vibrations." Reimu noticed, too.

 _Thoom_. It's getting closer, son...

Oh no. "They're bringin' the _big guns_ , dude." Yo ho ho~...

Marisa stretched as her broom idly floated in place. "Ee~nh. No gun's as big as mine, ze."

...I don't think she realized what she just said!

Reimu exhales, the wind taken out of her by the statement. Wahaha!

 _Thoom_. Big boy comin' through, yo!

Reimu stretches, too. "This sounds like it'll be annoying…"

Marisa scratched the back of her head. "Don't say things like tha~t…"

 _Thoom. Thoom. Thoom._ It's coming from a nearby structure…! It's a sort of house, but it has a stall in front of it so it's more like a big storehouse.

I held my plant hanger up defensively, like it'd do anything. Giants beware, I have a hunk of metal.

Nearing the wall, Marisa cautiously drifts even closer towards it. "The hell even _is_ that? You'd think someone woulda broiled it were it so big 'n' mean..."

…

Well-

 _Boom!_

"Waa~h!?" Marisa yells!

 _Clank!_ A large, metal claw limb grabbed onto her broom, and began pulling her to the side. "Woah, waoh, woah…!"

...Reimu just stares at the emerging mech with slack-jawed surprise. Wahaha!

 _Thoom, thoom, thoom._ "There you _a~re!_ " It's that one mech fairy maid from before! "You can't hide from _me!_ My network of fairies is _all-knowing,_ darling!"

 _Bam!_ Marisa is thrown against the floor, rolling away as she's separated from her broom. "Augh…!"

"Marisa…" Reimu looks over at her friend with slight worry, before bringing her gohei up. "What do you know!?"

The towering, eleven foot tall fairy construct hobbled forward as it dropped Marisa's broom beside itself. "That you're in the _way_ , girl. As it happens, I've grown bored of the feminine body for the time being… and I'd like to experience something _new_."

Reimu raises her eyebrows at this. "Couldn't you just abduct someone else?" Good heroic negotiations, yo. Let us throw someone else under the rape train!

"No. I'm picky like that." Oh.

The maid no longer had her glasses on, but one eye was replaced by a red augmentation, which produced a barely luminescent laser sight, noticeable as she panned her head about.

 _Thoom. Thoom_. She steps forward more. Her mech was more or less the same as before, except now it had bright yellow and orange metal comprising it, as well as abstract shoulder pads.

"Ahaha~h…" Marisa stumbles to her feet, apparently well off enough after that last attack.

…

 _Thoo- thoo- thoom!_ The bot power walked towards Reimu!

"Hoh…" Reimu slid way back- past even me- and threw her arm outward. "Youkai Buster!"

 _Thwa- thwa- thwash!_ The three ofuda roared through the mech, but didn't puncture it or create incisions. Still, it was staggered by the impacts.

"Hrrm…" Focusing, the cyborg fairy scanned the battlefield…

Marisa aimed her mini-hakkero at the machine-

FwiChoo~m! A thick, blue laser stretched out towards it.

 _Bam! Thoom thoom._ The impact caused the robot to stagger again, this time taking a few steps back.

"This power…!" The fairy maid scanned my party members! "Hahahaha~!"

"We broke her." Reimu shakes her head… "Stupid fairies."

" _No_ you idiot!" The fairy barks back at her! "You gave me great inspiration!"

"How's this for great perspiration?" Grinning, Marisa drew a canteen of some kind from her hat, and began reeling her arm back…

 _Thoom, thoom._ The mech turned towards her, and began stomping forward.

Marisa tossed her arm forward-

 _Fwa- fwa- fwam!_ The canteen was apparently a bomb, which exploded into a persistent danmaku orb. Hoh…!

"Hnn~..." The cyborg was not terribly deterred!

Reimu begins flying up towards it!

As she does, the cyborg raises its vice-tipped limbs to grab her. "How tactically erroneous!" Beaming, the fairy tries to navigate the robot to grab her-

Woosh. She _whiffed_ , yo.

Woosh. Mi~ss…

Finished positioning herself, Reimu brings her gohei down-

 _Bwoomp_. A jiggly, ill-defined energy barrier forms before the maid's head, the gohei strike bouncing off of it. "Nice try~."

"Really…" Furrowing her brows, Reimu skirted back into the air as yin yang orbs began to materialize around her-

 _Clamp!_ The vice clamped, but grabbed only air as Reimu retreated.

I got out my flail, but didn't spin it up yet…

The four yin yang orbs all behind Reimu roared forward once they became person-sized, and bombarded the mech!

 _Bam- clang- clank- bang!_ Each impact caused the mech to fall back even further, denting the bright armor. "Really, now…" The cyborg fairy was actually becoming intimidated! That, or aggravated…

I start spinning my flail… discreetly, yo!

Reimu lands on the ground ahead of the cyborg, which is more like off and to the right of me. "I hate fighting robots."

Cyborg fairy seethes! "Robots hate fighting _you!_ " She jerks her controls-

 _Vrrr~!_ The cyborg whines as it tilts back on one leg, reeling an arm back.

In a rush, it leaps forward onto the unused leg and slams its vice into the town square-

 _Thoo-Boo~m!_ The impact created a huge shockwave that almost tipped me over!

Reimu leaps into the air to avoid the shockwave, narrowly grazing the downward strike that caused it.

Before she could escape, the mech spun forward in the air, swatting Reimu with a diagonal swipe of its two arm limbs-

 _Cla~ng!_ Oh, shit! Reimu's flung by the blow-

 _Thud!_ She loudly rolls to a stop on the other side of the square. Oo~h. Ow. Is she… okay? She's Reimu, she'll probably be okay...

" _Reimu!_ " Eyes wide, Marisa quickly draws a potion from her hat, and tosses it into the air-

 _Di- di~ng!_ It glows and fades out, before a drop of liquid came down over Reimu's form, splashing onto her and fading into her.

"Nn~gh…" Drowsily, she starts to raise off of the floor, before grabbing her head and shaking it-

Kri-krik. Her neck cracks and stuff as she recovers! "Ow. Now I _really_ hate fighting robots."

"Recovery items…" The fairy maid scowls with her one eye that could emote. "At least you're strategians, this I can respect…"

Vrrr~. Vrrr! The right arm of the machine begins to shift-...

Uhm. Oh.

Fuck me, that's a gatling gun.

"He~y friends!" Yelling at the top of my lungs! "Get cover, now!" Time to ru~n!

Where do I go where do I go- actually yeah, I'll duck in the hole the robot came outta, that ruined tall store place thing. S'a good start!

Taking my word for it, Reimu floats up off the ground and flies over to a nearby rooftop, before ducking on it.

At first doubtful, Marisa complies readily upon seeing Reimu follow, summoning her broom back with a snap of her fingers. Once it arrived, she grabbed onto it and began flying off to a different rooftop…

"What's wro~ng…!?" Gleefully, the robot aimed at the roof Reimu took cover behind! "Come out and _pla~y!_ "

 _Patatatatatat!_ The sound of gatling gun fire filled the air, the robot opening fire on the shop Reimu hid in, the wall cracking and breaking from the bullets. Speaking of which, those were real bullets!

...Also, freakin'... my _ears!_ Considering where I chose to hide, this gunfire is _not_ goin' easy on my ears right now!

 _KAPow- Clang!_

Goodbye, ears. I knew you well.

...Across the clearing, Reisen Udongein Inaba had a small, stick like sniper rifle held up.

I looked back to my other side, only to find someone was behind my cover with me!

"Christ on a bike! Where'd you come from?" It's... Keine Kamish... ra? Kamisawa? Kami...sawashira?

Keine Kamiwhatsherface didn't respond, instead moving out and dashing towards the robot.

The fairy robot pilot noticed, and slowly began turning around, but was too late to stop Keine. With a simple leap, she climbed atop the robot, reeled her head back, and-

 _Bwamp!_ The mighty headbutt causes the head shield to lose focus slightly. Eyes widening, cyborg fairy gazes at the school teacher with wide eyes. "Where are you people coming-"

 _Fwa- fwa- fwam!_ Marisa sniped the cyborg with a well tossed magic bomb from the roof!

 _Patatatatatat!_ Slowly, the cyborg began to bring her cannon arm around, forgetting about Reimu and choosing to aim it towards Reisen for the time being…

Reisen noticed the trail of bullets destroy scenery as it panned towards herself. I looked into her eyes as she looked into the fairy's eyes-

 _Fwash._ Her eyes very noticeably flashed red. Ooo~...!

...Seemingly, Reisen seemed to drop her rifle, put up her arms, and kneel on the spot.

The gatling gun's fire centered on her-

 _Patatatatat!_

 _Fwa-fwap-fwip-fwip-fwap!_ "Nngh…!" Reisen was torn into by the bullets, her body immediately flung by the stream, before it was seemingly torn apart and mangled by the unending torrent of bullets, leaving the lunar rabbit broken.

Her corpse was thrown down the road ahead, blood trailing all along the dirt path as she was eviscerated…

.. _Seemingly_ , anyway. I gotta admit, that's some _shit_ ta just _see_ , even if I got a hunch it's Reisen's eye shit at play…

"Hehehe~!" The fairy cyborg giggled at this. "Stupid, stu~pid! Why- why would you think I'd just _stop shooting!?_ Hehaha~!"

 _KAPow!_ A sniper shot echoed…!

...Reisen was now atop a nearby roof, and the corpse that me and the fairy had previously seen was now nowhere... as if it _never existed_. Aww~ shit, du~de…!

 _Bwamp!_ The shield atop the mech rippled violently, the fairy's face almost exposed by the shot from the rabbit's sniper rifle.

Keine was still on it too, so she gave it another headbutt-

 _Bwamp!_ That shield's probably not gonna last much longer!

 _Patatatatatat!_ The gatling gun's still firing, just not at anything in particular right now…

 _Patat- tat-... tat…_ Oh, hey, she actually stops shooting!

...After a moment, _another_ person joins me behind my hiding place.

Oh. It's Kotaro, the _captain's son_. I don't even know who this captain guy is!

"Excuse me, what the hell's going on?" He gestures to the square in disbelief, eyebrows raised.

"You got beat the fuck up." I remind him bluntly.

He rolled his eyes. "Well- that's great, I already knew that- but whose responsibility is this? Has the school teacher finally sieged the village? Are- did the shrine maiden and witch do this?... Did _you_ do this?"

I point at the big robot fairy, smiling. "Big damn robot dude, that's the name."

...With a loud sigh, he nods. "Excellent, excellent- _who_ sent it?"

"Me. I did!" I am out of patience with this guy, yo. He's gonna blow my freakin' cover if he doesn't crouch…!

"Seems my first guess was right after all…" Frowning, he feels around himself. "...Oh, my spear is gone. Today's just _perfect_."

Shaking his head, he gets out of the cover to walk up to the robot. Oh alright dude. Guy's either got balls of solid brass… or a brain of solid brass!

The mech's spinning around one-eighty degrees repeatedly in both directions in an attempt to dissuade the bombardment from the surrounding girls! Keine's also freakin' bashing her head into it, and Reisen's trying to line up the next shot…

"Hold it! _Ho~ld it!_ "

Guard man walks out onto the scene, son. He's ready to cruise for a brusin', yo…!

...Everyone looks over at him. Reimu and Marisa stop shooting ambient support danmaku and bombs, Reisen lowers her rifle, and the mech 'n' Keine just turn to him.

"Ahem…" He finds his voice! "Kamishirasawa, if you'd kindly?"

...Keine tilted her head. "What…?"

"Get off of our… ' _guest_ '." Kotaro requested.

...She blinked. "Are… you serious?"

"When am I not?" He rose a brow pseudo-charismatically. "Off of it. You are no beast, unless you wish to be treated like one."

...Rolling her eyes, the school teacher leapt off of the mech.

The captain's son looked up at the eleven foot tall mecha maid. "Excuse me… _creature_." He addresses her! "I am going to take you into custody, and place you on trial. Any resistance will be met swiftly with only maximum reprimand. However… I will say that-"

 _Clonk._ After some slow and gradual articulation, the mech jerks its arm forward and just beans him in the head with its vice. _Ou~ch_ … is he even still alive after that? It like, half crushed his head!

…

The guy stumbles back almost like he's just walking, but once he reaches my hole in the wall-

 _Thud_. He falls back inside. Oh- hey looks alright. Fucked up, but his neck's not lodged into his collar bone or anything hilariously gruesome.

 _Blam! Fwa-fwa-fwam! Fwap, fwap! Blam! Bwa-bwa-bwamp!_

Noises of violence continue outside my hidey hole!

"Uu~rh…" Kotaro's out of it, dude. They got him, man.

...After a moment, he sits back up, eyes uneven and face sorta weird. "Aaa~h… whah happen?"

"Hi."I greet him.

He instantly snarls at me. "You! You- and the youkai- you…!"

O~kay! "How ya doin', son…"

Flopping around until he sloppily stands, he looms over me before trying to grab me by the collar. "Who the he~ll _youkai!?_ "

"Son…!" I raise my arms! "Ya wanna know what happened? I'll tell ya, yo! You got your _ass kicked!_ " I remind him of the premise!

"Whoo~!?" He tries to shake my color, but considering he can't even get me into a standing position this ain't that intimidating…

"Let me show ya…" Getting up, I get into a standing position…

Standing next to the exposed bits of the hole I'm hidin' in, I gesture outside and at the freakin' robot. "There he is dude. Big Nuts Ned."

"Woaa~h…" He's _awed_. "I~ can fight tha~h…?"

"Yeah, dude." I grin at him! "You explored seven fun filled worlds, and fought- ya fought the dragons, dude! Now get out there and do it again!"

" _Yeah!_ " He's _pumped!_ He feels around his armor for a bit… "My- my spear… s'gone…"

Aw. I shake my head… "You jammed it in its mechanical thigh, and it broke. Ya tried to fist fight it an' a single punch nearly eviscerated ya. You're freakin' lucky you only took blunt damage, man." I re-explain the sequence of events!

...He tried to hold me up by the collar, again. "I'~m not a… forest youkai!"

Holy shit, this guy's gone… "Who even freakin'- you know what, yo? Don't answer that. You're the _captain's son_ , good job. Now go kick that robot's ass." I point at the robot just incase he freakin' forgot again...

His eyes widen. "I'm… the captain's son? Yeah… yeah that's right! I'm- I'm the captain's son! I'm gonna go kick some _asses!_ " He runs out at the robot…

 _Patatatatat!_ Oo~h, that is _not_ a good time for the gatling guns to come back online.

Keine's safe, keeping a cautious stance behind the robot at all times as it spun around and got slowly sniped to death by the other girls.

Eventually, the sounds of bullets meeting wood begin to near my cover, and I drop to the floor. She don't aim low, so all I'm gonna get is a sprinkling of sawdust down here...

"Prepa~re!" Oh, boy. Still, I'm sure someone'll save him. I doubt anyone really dies in this Genso- "I'm the capta~in's-

Fwip- fwap- crack- pat- fwoomp- pap- crack-

"Agh- fugh- ngh- ouha- ooh..."

Thud. Oh. _Oh boy._

Splat _._ Blood splashed in through the hole in the wall, and I'm pretty sure I saw the guy's arm and some armor bits.

"...Well, good on you, mate." I grimace. Whelp, I got a boy fucked up, yo. I did not foresee those circumstances…!

Couldn't Reimu like, protected him or something? Or- oh. I just realized that everyone probably let him die because he was an asshole. That's… pretty sound reasoning, but at the same time freaks me out.

 _Patatat- tat- tatat… tat…_

Oh, yeah, pick _now_ to stop.

" _Where_ … do you all… keep coming from!?" Cyborg fairy was overwhelmed!

And then-

 _KAPow~!_

 _Pi~chun!_ The fight… is over.

Reisen had fired another sniper round, this one causing the shield to become some abstract shape rather than a sphere. Like this, the bullet was able to pierce straight through the energy and kill the fairy inside…

…

 _Thoom._ The craft fell onto its back, shutting down.

...Oh right, Remilia's bat thing is still on my shoulder. I didn't even notice because she didn't do anything for so long, but she looked quite pleased by the ordeal. "Hi, friend." I give it some pokes, to which it recoils at...

I raise from the hole in the wall, and- oo~h yeah, that's one dead lookin' dude on the ground. If you googled 'what would it look like to put a dude through a cheese grater', you'd probably get this dude right here. Freakin'...

...The girls all seem to convene around the side of the robot, so I move to join that.

"Who wants to go back to bed?" Reimu poses a fluffy question.

Everyone raises their hands, and I do too! Freakin'... _guns_.

"I'm sor- sorry I didn't take this more seriously…" Reisen bows to us. "If I did, he wouldn't have, uhm…" She looks over at the _cheese-grated guy_.

"Don't think anything of it." Keine waves it off, but looks away. "...It was coming. It was just a matter of when." Dayum, Keine. Stone cold…! I can't really blame her, though… "Today's just been one bad event after another…"

Then, she turns to Reimu. "Do you have any leads so far? The fairies over here are gaining technology at an increasingly alarming rate, as you might have imagined. You should've seen the fairies clad in mirror armor earlier..."

...Reimu looks to her, before blinking. "Mirror armor, huh…? Anyway, yeah, we've got some leads. A factory in the plains or something. Dunno how it got there."

"Ah, I see, I see…" Keine nods at this. "Why aren't you there right now?"

Reimu blinks twice. "Reasons." Wahaha. "We're napping first, though." _Again?_ Jeez, Reimu, if getting suppressed by gatling gun fire doesn't flare your danger senses, what the hell kinda show do you run here?

...Looking around, Reimu spotted one of the town's inns, and marched towards it casually. "That'll do."

…

Reisen sighs. "Sorry again. It's just-... it's too early for this sort of thing, you know? I've still gotta set up my stall…"

Y'know… "Wouldn't Eientei be gettin' attacked right now, too?"

…

Reisen lets the backpack on her back flop off, as she raises her sniper rifle and begins walking in one direction. "Watch my stuff, Keine." Pfft…

Pausing, the bunny girl glances back at me, than at Marisa who had stuck around for the conversationings. "Hey, Marisa. Do you think you and Reimu could come by? If not to help, only to get a gauge on what you're fighting better…"

Marisa smirks at her. "Ya just want some backup, don'cha?"

...Reisen sighs. "Yes. I know it's selfish, but it'd make my work load lighter…"

"Some sidequestin'll be alright. I wanna nail the next one 'a those big mechs I see wit' a Master Spark anyway." Marisa waves it off. "I'll just tell Reimu ya need some help and might have some tips."

"Thank you so much." Reisen bows towards her, before turning back around. "I gotta go defend like I should've been doing…"

How'd she not notice in the first place? Then again, she _did_ seem kinda tired...

Marisa takes towards the inn where Reimu ducked into. "C'mo~n, ze. We got some leisure time ta spend!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Night time's pretty fun, I suppose! Good evening, world! The inn's fulla bullet holes, and there's no one here, but that just means we don't gotta pay or respect others! All's well ends well…

I didn't sleep, and neither did Marisa, but I mostly just spent time asking her things I already knew about Gensokyo just to make sure stuff was on the up 'n' up. That, and post-revision, this chapter's like nearly twenty thousand words, so I'm on thin ice here…!

Wh- ow. Freakin'... what the hell? I just got hit in the head with a… wooden block. What, s'this place falling apart? I didn't even hear that come from anywhere...

I walk out of my room, instantly face to face with a cyan-haired fairy maid.

"Kyaa~h!" She leaps away from me and runs away, running down the stairs and presumably exiting the inn.

"...Cool." Yeah, that happened. Freakin'... stalkers, yo. At least she's not the 'kidnap you and lock you in my basement once you're in grapple range' type.

I walk downstairs to the trashed main room of the inn, to see Reimu and Marisa sitting at a snug wooden table.

Reimu took a sip of beer from her mug, staring at the dying, dim lights that hung around the bar bit. It was more of a tavern than an inn…

"...You know, I don't think that was even a fairy anymore." Marisa swirled her mug about,

"I'm inclined to agree…" Reimu sat down her mug and rubbed her temples.

I bring a wooden crate up to the table and sit down…

...Reimu looks around. "I don't see the innkeeper anywhere…"

Marisa snorts. "Means we keep our money, and the booze's free!"

Reimu nods. "Mmm. I'm just gonna call this stop an incident royalty fee or something. Investigation fee, whatever. As long as you didn't take any bottles Marisa."

"Ah- yeah, no." Marisa looks away. "That's just _dishonorable_."

…

Reimu held out her hand. "Gimme your hat."

"Fuck." Marisa deflated. "You cheat."

"I don't have to cheat. I _know_." Reimu rebukes, swiping the hat from her friend's head and digging through it. A moment later, she pulled out a huge wine bottle. "...Oh. Woah."

Marisa grinned. "See? I ain't just robbin' 'em blind. Well, I _am_ , but only a few 'a the good stuff. Incident tax, yeah?"

...Reimu nods, sliding the bottle back into the hat. "I saw nothing. You're a master thief." Pfft…

...

Remilia's batling flew off my shoulder, and flew up in down in front of me. Aw, yo...

I ask it some patronizing questions! "Huh? What's that, lassie? Did little timmy fall down the well?"

The batling bashed against my head.

"Yo, no!" I swat at it, defending myself!

The batling lands on the table and starts emphasizing downward movement via stomping.

"You what, mate?" I ask it, faking slight offense to the action. Freakin', what's Remilia on about?

The bat paused, then pointed a wing towards the door-

"There you are…" Heya, Alice! Aw, her outfit's all kerfluffled. "Those fairies certainly know how to try..." She reached into her bag…

"That bad, huh?" Reimu sighed.

I grin at her. "Aw. Gave it their good 'ol college try, did they? Y'know, that's what I'd do if I was in college, yo. Shoot rainbows at my assignments, then die."

...Alice takes her vain stare away from me and towards the girls. "He doesn't sound drunk, but you seem to have given him a good buzz. Are you robbing him, or have you two finally become desperate to the point of stealing virginities?"

"Ow~." Marisa playfully pouts at the teasing. "It ain't my fault this dude's runnin' on half a brain, ze." Son.

Taking out the new and improved operating cross, Alice handed it over. "Here you are. You can command her to have either sentry or all-range mode. In sentry mode she'll stand still similar to before, but in all-range mode she'll be dedicated to tracking specific targets."

I tilt my head. "She did kinda similar things before…"

"But were you able to tell her which was which?" Alice questioned me bluntly.

Oof. "Good point…"

"Furthermore, I've also installed orbital rotation mode." Alice says plainly, not explaining anything.

Cool. That's great. "...It'd be a lot better if I knew what that was." What 'a what now?

"Oh, right," Alice pressed on the operating cross, and the gem turned blue.

London began to revolve around her like the dolls of her 'Darkness Sign, Foggy London Dolls' card, or however it went.

"Now it's similar to its namesake…" I remark on the doll's capabilities...

"It's the minimum I could do. Report back to me your findings with it; It'd like to try and improve it further in the future." Alice tosses me the operating cross, and I fumble to catch it. It's a big cross so it's not hard…!

I give her a thumbs-up. "Will do!"

...Looking away, the puppeteer exhales. "Now, I'm going to go make sure the fairies didn't wreak too much havoc on the notable stores carrying my clothing…"

"See ya, Ali~ce." Marisa gives her a lazy wave. "Don't get forced to lick fairy feet!"

"...Okay." Alice just gives her a _stare_ , before floating out the door…!

…

I look to Reimu and Marisa-

"Should we get a roll on?" Standing up, Marisa twirls her broom around. "I think we killed enough time as is…!"

"Su~re." Reimu floats out of her own chair, moving ahead. Wait for me, yo…!

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

Leaving through one of the village gates, we proceeded to move towards the bamboo forest, on the careful lookout for burly, angry fairy girls.

The plains between here and the forest were… pretty plain. Wahaha! But, seriously, just a lot of tall grass and a linear dirt path up to the bamboo…

...The path diverts to the right a little, and there's a stand there.

"Someone out here?" Reimu tilted her head at it…

It was a peculiar little stand. Made 'a wood and stuff!

At the stand was a peculiar little thing! It was _fluffy._

The size of it musta been from the ball 'a my elbow to the tips of my fingers; it was freakin' tiny! It had blue, cartoony pastel eyes, and a pink shell nose between them. It had _freckles around them dude_ …

Also, fins for hands, no arms! And legs, but fins for feet. It was finny.

As for coloration… it was sort of tan, sort of brown. No flesh; just… cloth. It's a _dust_ person, or maybe one of the sand people. Aww. It had no neck, the head connected directly to the torso, and had sorta… white and faded pastel 'hair', thick strands of fluffy stuff sitting comfortably on the back of it.

"hello friends" It speaks human language, dude…!

"...Aww!" Marisa put her hands to her cheeks.

"would you like to buy some wares" It offered us its wares! Aw, we're BFFs now, dude…!

"...Sure." Reimu was sort of putoff, but indifferent about it.

It splayed its fin across the counter, laying down items…

A blue mini-hakkero, a bag of red and purple _yin-yang orbs_ , a silver-blue plant hanger with a puddle leakin' out from it…

"theyre friendly" The fluffle promises us.

"What…" Reimu looked at the familiar wares skeptically. "Where'd you get these?"

"i made them" The fluffle made a proud smile, which was the same as its eternal normal smile, except it did it _gingerly_ , dude.

...Picking up the pastel blue mini-hakkero, Marisa held out her regular one next to it. "...What's u~h… what's this one do?"

"aegis phaser" The fluffle rattled off a name, I think? "boosts the power of ice skills. adds ice element to non-elemental danmaku. replaces danmaku status effect with freeze!"

...Setting it down, Marisa sort of nodded. "How… much?"

"five hundred thousand yen" You know, that sounds like a lotta money…

"Woah, no." Marisa jerks her head back! "That the same for all 'a these?"

The fluffle shook its head softly.

…

I point at the plant hanger myself! "How much's this?"

"five thousand yen" ...How much was that again? Five bucks or fifty bucks?

"Where'd you get _these?_ " Reimu held up the yin-yang orbs, brows furrowed. "You didn't make them."

"no i made them friend" The fluffle tilted its head forward, its smile obscured, somehow.

...She just shakes her head at it. Hmm…

"Plant hanger, what's it do?" I'd like to know these things! Maybe this thing can peddle me _equips_.

"H2O hanger" Cool name. Might as well just called it 'water hanger'. Liquid ice hanger…! "constantly leaks! boosts the power of water skills. may wet targets."

Oh, good. Well, it's a step up from _cast iron_. Freakin', go super-soaker on people.

"Why do you sell weapons almost identical to ours?" Reimu looms over the fluff bag! "Seriously."

...It gave her a wayward stare, before sniffing the air and smiling again. "sniff sniff"

…Reimu seems at a loss. Aw...

"I say we buy the plant hanger…!" I propose to the girls! "So I have more than just a hunk 'a metal!"

"'Cause _two hunks_ 'a metal's a lot better." Marisa casts me a dry stare. "Y'know what…"

She sets down her regular mini-hakkero. "Gimme the properties 'a this!" She makes a demand!

…After realizing it exists, the fluffle looks back up at her. "boosts the power of non-elemental skills."

…

"Ah." Marisa accepts this. "That's… it?"

...Idly, the fluffle starts climbing onto the desk, pecking at the wood with its shell nose.

I set down my cast iron plant hanger! "What do do? How bad me be?"

"plant hanger" The best weapon name. "physical damage. no special properties." Wow. The most fearsome of weapons…!

…

"I'm not buying that new one for you, if that's what you're thinking." Reimu turns her pockets inside-out. "...I left my snack money at home, and I wouldn't spend it on _you_." Ow.

...Marisa picks the hanger up, before the water from it begins to run down her arm. "Ah- whah woah woah…!"

"You hold it…!" She shoves it into my arms, and- wet! I'm wet now!

"How's this _work!?_ " I juggle it for a moment, before stopping 'cause I was splashing myself! Jesus…!

"Five thousand yen…" Reaching into her pouch, Marisa takes out the money. "I'd just take all this crap and run, but I can do that later."

"When I'm not here to watch you do it." Reimu gives her a tilted grin… "Not that I'll blame you, because… this is _weird_."

Laying the yen down on the counter, Marisa grinned at the fluffle. "You gonna eat it, or what? _What_ could ya need money for, ze?"

...Turning around, the fluffle scooped the money onto the ground behind itself, before smiling at us summore. "come back soon"

 _Fwoom_ …

What the hell's that…? There's _smoke_ coming from under the stand…!

"thank you friends" It holds its fins up…!

 _Fwroa~r!_ The roar of a jet engine makes us all back away from it-

The wood stand slowly raises into the sky, a big flat thruster beneath it pushing it upward…

 _Fwoo~m!_ With that, it gains a little speed as it continues, leaving the freakin' planet. Goodbye, fluffy friend!

…

"What." Reimu wasn't sure what to make of that. "...Marisa, we need to start hunting those kedama things. What was that even..."

"I got wet." I answer her question! Getting wetter by the moment, too-

Marisa scanned the charred earth where the fluffle took off into the sky. "...I just blew five thousand yen! Where'd it go!?"

I need a freakin'... rain coat or something! This hanger is not making life easy…! I wasted Marisa's money, dude…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The bamboo forest is neatly set up before us. As in, it's like… plains, plains, plains… and once you get to the bamboo forest, it's just a _wall_ of bamboo. Night and day difference!

Speaking of night and day, the night sky is _freakin' gorgeous._ There's a nice lonesome feeling you get from the myriad of stars and the clouds of stardust visible above.

I've got my water hanger in my bag of infinity, because _yeah_. No real reason to just… keep getting wetter! It's cold out!

...That bamboo ahead's lookin' awful dark, too!

Marisa stomps ahead, delving straight into the woods. "Hey, Reimu-ze! Maybe we can find some reagents on the way!"

"We should _really_ fly." Reimu contests, already drifting. "Because-"

 _Snap!_ A few steps into the woods-

"Woa~h!" Marisa gets pulled up into the trees by a rope, her hat flying off!

...Sighing, Reimu floats up into the trees to free her.

...That leaves me, the _dark brush_ , and her _hat_. Oh yeah, this freakin' bat's with me, but Remilia must've forgot about it, because it's like comatose on my shoulder.

Kneeling down, I pick up the fun hat…

"Aa~h…" A voice! Who is that voice…!?

Looking to the side-

A stout rabbit girl bounds up to me. A~nd… it's not Tewi! "I thought I caught someone…" She's got dishwater blonde hair, like me!

"You caught me, friend." I hold out my arms. "I have no money, and I must scream."

"I think I'll let you go…" She didn't like to hear that, apparently. "You smell like outsider, too." We have a _smell_ , dude…!

"Ooh. What's it smell like?" I wanna know!

"Something called 'ass fault'. She makes a hard grin…! "Probably because your ass is at fault."

Yeah, okay.

...Reimu floats back down, Marisa on her broom beside her.

"Shoo, shoo." Reimu floats towards the rabbit-

The rabbit's already gone…!

"C'mon." Reimu drifts into the woods. "I'll go slow. Stay _right_ behind me, or you _will_ die." Oh, shit…!

"I'll be right behind ya…" Marisa shined a light from her mini-hakkero, pluckin' her hat outta my hands. "Lightin' the way!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"The fairies've been real _pricks_ recently…"

Fujiwara no Mokou! Fire immortal, with a _fiery_ personality…! Yeah, we've been lost long enough to run into her. Not much else, though! Kinda weird…

"Yeah. Cirno touched my _boobs!_ " Marisa goes over that supposed 'Cirno thing' I think I heard about…!

"Pfft." Shaking her head, Mokou continues to lead us ahead… "They haven't been too bad in the woods. There's a lotta 'em, but fire and _lunar guns_ do a good job at takin' 'em apart." Lunar _guns…?_ Yo~!

...Looking over at me, Mokou tilts her head. "Also, who's this asshole? Someone's intern?"

"I am a shrine boy in training, dude." I hold up my cast iron plant hanger. "This is the holy hanger."

"No, it's not, and you're not." Reimu quickly shuts me down. Awa~h. "He's some outsider who we ended up bringing along with us. It's too late to get rid of him _now_ , but he's not _totally_ useless. I think."

"...Y' _know_ he's totally useless." Marisa gives her a grin! "Not like we can leave 'em anywhere, though. He's kinda weird!" Aaa~h! My existence is a detriment to the world order, dude…!

"That's nice." Mokou doesn't really care, either. So much for the Mokou route…! "The only fairies that've been keeping me up're those-"

 _Fwoom!_ Oh. The entire forest around us lit to life with _fire_. Oh, fuck!

"Yeah. Fire fairies." Mokou lets out a sigh. "Gotta keep putting their _shit_ out…"

" _Hahaha~!_ " Some other girl starts laughing in the woods, somewhere!

"Whelp, onto the broom, fella!" Marisa pats the back 'a her broom, turnin' to me! "We're gettin' the hell outta here 'fore we burn to a crisp!"

Get on her _broom?_ Do you think I'm not a socially awkward- well, considering I fucked up your house and you by extention- aaa~h!

Hopping onto the broom, I hold onto it-

"Grab my waist, ya stupid!" Marisa yells as she ascends! "Hold on tight!"

Whelp, first time for everything! ...I was about to consider 'first time having contact with a female who isn't my mother', but I think the ass kicking bonanzas of the past few days might technically count.

And then-

 _Woo~sh!_ Holy _shit_ we take off. Marisa sails past Reimu as she moves forward and holy cra~p…!

"Outta them flames in no time!" I can hardly hear Marisa~!

Bamboo shoots roar past us at frightening speed, and I just kinda huddle behind Marisa, getting beat up by the wind…!

It's so dark, even with her mini-hakkero lighting the way, holy _shit_ … this is like, _car speed_. This is-

 _Fwoom!_ Something bright and amber catches up with us!

" _Hey, hey, he~y!_ " Is that Mokou? Wait, no, that's-

 _Fwam- fwam!_ Marisa leaves two yellow star trails in her wake as she takes a deviating channel of empty air among the innumerable bamboo. "Shit- she's chasing, I didn't think- fuck…!" Marisa, don't say things like that…!

" _Come ba~ck!_ " The inferno fairy calls out for us… " _I just wanna~...!_ " Aah…?

 _FWOOM!_

A wall of flames roars out from the fairy-

Shit shit _ouch ou~ch!_ _Fuu~ck!_

"Damn i~t!" I hear Marisa yell through the roar of flames as we escape-

 _burning i'm burning fuck fuck_

 _that hanger_

digging my arm into that bag-

water water water-

 _Splash…_

Marisa readjusts her hat. "Keep some buckets in my hat for _that reason_..."

Oh my god. We're extinguished…

Hugging tightly onto Marisa, I… fuck. "O- ow…" I'm fucked up bad… I'm not used to my flesh getting… how bad even is it? Can't see shit, 'cause it's dark over here, cap'n…!

"You good there?" Marisa jerks her head back in my direction.

"...N- no." Burns fucking _suck_. I don't like this anymo~re…

She snorts… "Alright, hold on, lemme…" Reaching into her hat, she draws a red bottle. "And-"

After she casts it into the air, it vanishes-

The potion reappears as a glob of glowing liquid over me-

 _Di- di~ng!_ The liquid splashes onto my form, a dim, mint light traveling through it-

Woah. It's… ow ow ow healing sucks too sometimes nngh…

Alright. It's like a _potion_ , except you don't have to _drink it_. By the way, healing burns are like… _ow_. It's like someone took a VCR remote and did a fast rewind…!

"How about now, ze?" Marisa surveys my damage!

"Go- good…!" I try to speak over the wind…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We finally slow down…

Mokou's standing before Eientei, clapping her hands. "Finally. That bastard was hearty."

"Tell me about it…" Reimu huffed. "She was so warm, she kept burning my ofuda. That was annoying."

...I awkwardly-

Thud. -fall off of Marisa's broom. "Aa~h…"

...Reimu gives me a dry stare. "Vertigo?"

"Maybe." Marisa shrugged. "Also, we got burnt alive, but he took it hardest 'cause he was on my back there. Healed 'em up, though!"

"What? Nnh…" Making a sour face, Reimu steps towards me. "...C'mon, get up."

Ey, yo, lemme freakin'... get up before I deal wit'cha shrine maiden shenanigans!

...Once I'm up-

"Do you just want to stay here, at Eientei?" Reimu focuses on me. "You won't get hurt like that again, I don't think."

...I'm a little skeptical on how kind Eirin is, considering some fics I've read, to be honest! I also know nothing about Eientei proper other than rabbits and lunar stuff…

"No~." I decline her offer. "I'm seein' this _through_."

...Reimu just sighs. "Alright. I don't want you to get hurt, even if it's your own fault." Oof.

...Mokou's already pressed ahead.

The front of the clinic's a little battered, but it's lookin' nice. Rabbits stand atop the roof on perches, with goggles and rifles. Ho ho ho…

There's some of what look like sentry guns down here, too-

 _Patatatatatat!_ One fires up into the air-

 _Pi- pi- pi~chun!_ Oo~h. Took care of some fairies, it did. This place is pretty well-fortified…!

The actual doorway ahead is two sets of sliding glass doors. Reisen's on the inside, lookin' around, this slick white rifle in her arms. Mokou gives her a wave as she proceeds in…

Reimu 'n' Marisa continue ahead, and I tail along…!

"Hey guys." Reisen gives us a wave. "Thanks for coming. But… this is a _little_ more under control than I thought it'd be. Still here about the fairies, right?"

"Nah, we're here to get high." Marisa jeered. "You know anything about them fairies?"

"I was just about to go out myself…" Reisen declared. "Maybe when you guys head back out, I'll tag along. For now, I'll just stick around here and make sure the lines are all secure."

"Sounds goo~d." With that, Marisa hopped off her broom proper and moved through the sliding glass doors. "C'mon, Reimu, dudeguy!"

"Wha- if they don't know anything, why're we- hey…!" Reimu moves to catch up with Marisa…!

Moving after them, I continue to follow awkwardly!

...With Mokou gone and pissed off somewhere, it's just the three of us, in the midst of the main lobby.

Taking a right into one of the two deviating halls- the other being to the left, naturally- she doubled back and waited for us to catch up…

The interior of the clinic was pretty sterile and hospital-like, ironically. I remember seeing more rural, natural illustrations. Bleak fluorescents, dim white, tiled floor- at least in the main lobby- plaster walls…

Once we reach Marisa, she lunges forward for a group huddle. "Alright guys, here's the scoop…!"

...Reimu looks _vexed_ , son. "Go on…"

"Y'know how…" Marisa snaps her fingers at me. "What's yer name again?"

" _Brad_." I nod at her…!

"...Brett?" She tilts her head. Freakin'- how do people keep-

"Braa~d." I stress it! "Like, an 'a' sound…"

"Brad, oh. Got it!" Marisa gives me a grin! "Your sack, s'hammer space, right!?"

"Yeah." It's a _hammer sack_. "Ye."

At that, Marisa nods confidently. "Let's rob 'em blind…!"

"Really." Reimu looks unimpressed. "...You really-"

"He's gotta pay me back for some books." Marisa gave what I suppose would be context, as she squeezes my shoulder. "...'Sides, you think this place _isn't_ loaded? They sell potions and medicine, dude."

"...You have a point." Reimu considered this…! "Alright. Just this _once_ , then…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

A one to the two, to the one, to the three! It's two thousand fifteen, so I shouldn't know this meme!

Where was I taking that? Oh, right.

"C'mon…" Reimu held the back end of a table. Marisa awkwardly held part of the front, as I moved to fit the _entire_ thing in my freakin' sack. We're just fuckin' stealing tables! We went from Legend of Zelda-tier burglars to Skyrim-tier in like ten seconds!

"To the right…" Marisa directed Reimu, as they pushed it forward-

After a certain point, my bag like _devoured_ it. Yo…

"Ey~." Marisa nods happily… "Ooh- this too!" Moving over to a vase, Marisa tries to grab it- "Aah- shit-"

 _Cra~ck!_ ...It shatters into a million pieces on the floor.

"Marisa, you're stupid." Reimu berates her friend.

"Yeah, I know." She starts to distance herself from the broken vase…! "C'mon, let's get the hell outta here before someone finds it…!"

Freakin'... at this point, we've stolen like an entire hallway's worth of tables, chairs, and assorted hallway decor. And, lemme tell you… these are some _big ass hallways_.

"Aah!" Fairies zoom down a perpendicular hall ahead-

 _CHIU_. Woah, loud…

 _Pi~chun!_ A blonde fairy explodes for no reason, leaving two other generic fairies to rocket away.

...A rabbit in a _yellow suit_ runs out after them, holding what looks like a freakin'... pancakeified sniper rifle. "You're _mine_ …" Aiming down her sights, which materialize holographically-

 _CHIU_. Oh, that loud ass high-pitched noise is her _sniper_ _rifle_. Ho ho...

...I turn to Reimu. "You know what you need, yo? A _sniper_ rifle." A pancake sniper rifle, to be specific! Not sure if it was made like that, or if that was someone's fault…!

"No I don't." She shakes her head…

"Aw, c'mon Reimu." Marisa keeps the jest alive! "You could get lessons from Reisen!"

"Aiming down sights for a million years until I get good at it sounds boring. And, potentially counterintuitive." Reimu counterintuits us, dude…!

But! I raise a finger…! " _What..._ if you use it to _stealthily_ deliver danmaku to people for no good reason on a boring day, yo?" New incident: Reimu plays with a sniper rifle because she's bored!

…

"You know, I could do that, actually." Reimu admits! "One with a good enough scope so I can use it from my shrine. Someone might come to beat me up over it, but at least it's something to do." Yo ho ho!

"I should get one, too!" Marisa proposes…! "Aw, that'd be the best! Why don't we just invite all the girls and hold a sniper elite party!?"

Carrying ahead since we've been just bickering for the past few moments, Reimu shakes her head. "You're thinking too much into this. Look, we should go at least ask Eirin about the incident while we're here, so it doesn't look like we just came to steal stuff and laze about."

"But we did, though…!" Grinning, Marisa follows after her…! "Hey, wait up!"

These two're pretty fun, yo. I must find ways to shoehorn myself into their conversations…! I gotta think of something fun to say, though… freakin'...!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We've been exploring the halls for some time now. Eirin… is freakin' nowhere! It's a conspiracy, man…!

Reimu huffs. "It's probably _midnight_ by now…"

On the upside, we've gone so long that the halls have become akin to the rural kinds I'm used to in some other depictions of Eientei. Like, paper doors, wood walls and stuff, wood floor. I forget when it transitioned. Freakin'...

Marisa's got her arms behind her head, walking along. Also, that's a freakin'... _poofy_ hat! "Man, everyone must be out on the battlements takin' potshots or somethin'. Not a lotta people-"

"Hey!" A~nd there's a people! "You three!"

We look to our side! From a nearby door, a rabbit girl wit' a grey dress and long, beige hair addresses us! "You patients?"

"I'm patient!" Marisa insists!

"Do we _look_ like patients?" Reimu gestures to her shrine maiden outfit. "We're looking for Eirin."

"Five o'clock, fifty yards. Two rights, one left, room twenty-three A. Can't miss it." ...Where's your _five!?_ "Get moving, they'll be here any moment!" Who's they…!?

"Who's _they?_ " Moving to the side idly, Reimu tilted her head…

" _Hehehe~!_ "

"Hahaha~!"

"Waa~h!"

...We look to the side-

Fairy _tidal wave_ holy shit…!

Marisa books it. "Five's _this'a way!_ " Alright yo, alright…!

Runnin' after her-

 _Chu chu chu chu!_ -as the rabbit just _fires_ into the fairy tidal wave, the three of us take the first right we find away from the oncoming fairy horde.

Reimu and Marisa dash ahead of me, being freakin' more physically fit than I am…! I forgot where we're supposed to go anyway.

They both take a right, so I follow! Hoo~...

Halfway down this hall, I see them take the next left ahead, so I freakin'... I- I keep up. I'm not getting winded! It's just _gas_ , dude…!

...After a moment, I catch up with them-

"Room twenty-three A." Reimu noted. Aw…

She swung the door open, this one a regular wood door-

...Towels. It's a broom closet, with towels and fluffy stuff.

"hi friends" Why is there a fluffle in there. It's _soft_ looking. It's taking a dust bath on the floor, or something…

"Goddammit." Marisa shook her head, before leaning in, and stealing some of the towels. "Hey, towel boy, open your towel sack." Eeh.

...I open my bag, and accept the fluffy white towels. Good. What- what would we _do_ with those.

"Well…" Shaking her head, Reimu closes the door, stranding the fluffle inside. "Back to square one."

...Marisa _has_ broken a vase into my bag once or twice. How'm I gonna get those shards out!?

Actually, I reach into my bag now. I don't _feel_ anything weird. Wood, wood… parts- ah, something glassy…

...I take out a vase shard. How did I _not_ cut my finger doing that.

Ah, well. Time to cast it aside! Freakin'...

Walking ahead, Reimu stretches. "Alright, c'mon. Let's… keep looking."

Marisa yawns. "Aa~h…"

You know what, yo. If the hallways won't cooperate, maybe the wallways will!

"C'mon girls!" I call out to them before they step away casually! "We're going mining!"

For effect, I draw my H2O Hanger- 'cause getting wet _helps_ , dude- and start freakin'...!

 _Clack!_ Yeah! I hit the _wood_ , dude. Did I even do anything? Actually- I chipped a tiny sliver off. Yo!

 _Clack!_ Yeah- fuck you, wall! Swinging's hard when your weapon itself _perspirates_.

"...Are you devolving in real time?" Reimu, please…!

"Nah, ze! He's got the right idea!" Beaming brightly, Marisa held her mini-hakkero up at the wall…

...Reimu blinked. "Ah- Marisa, no! Hold-"

" _Love Sign!_ " Time to get the hell outta the way! Woa~h! " _Master Spaa~rk!_ "

 _VRRRRRRRR~_

 _Waahaahaa~!_ There's a _giant rainbow laser_ behind me, son! It's time for some Christmas house shows, dude!

Man. This thing's as tall as _three_ of me- and I'm six foot. Also, I can't see shit other than _lights_.

RRRRRrrrr…

The spark comes to an end, my eyes adjusting to the dim of the halls once again.

" _Marisaa~!_ " Reimu sounds cuddly when she's angry, dude!

...Leaning into the _giant hole_ in the wall, I noticed it pierced through like, ten other spaces. Some rooms, some halls…

...Somewhere down the huge shaft, Eirin Yagokoro pokes her head out from around the rim, her nurse hat visible from the dim light of her white-ish room she's in.

"Ey~!" Marisa begins to accelerate towards her! "See!? We found 'er!"

Reimu chases after Marisa! "Get back here…!"

...I just kinda awkwardly vault over the lower rims of each wall one by one, 'cause Marisa's spark didn't cut into the floor that much.

Some of the rooms on the way are unlit, many of them generic hospital rooms with no occupants. Actually- I think we went through one of these halls! There's no furniture in this one- oo~h, there's those vase shards from earlier…

...I stop in a room two shy of Eirin's. There's no way in, or out. White painted walls, a white tiled floor, and no furniture. What the hell is this…!?

"Two-thousand fifteen times are _scea~ry…!_ " Well, that's a thing!

...After a moment of awkwardly fumbling over ruined walling, I make it into Eirin's generic hospital chamber.

"What do you three want?" Eirin had her arms behind her back, and some kind of device on the counter before herself. She sounds a little impatient… for probably obvious reasons!

...Marisa's doing circles in the air while Reimu floats behind her, swinging her gohei. Aw, dude…

I turn to Eirin. Time to make a good first impression…!

"Fairies!" Aaa~h! "They got danmaku, wit' our _name_ on 'em…! Danmaku, wit' our _na~me!_ "

...Eirin gives me a _stare_. Whelp, now I feel like a retard. Help…!

"Right." Nodding, she glances back at her counter, before focusing on us again. "I should have figured you'd be here soon regarding this incident."

Looking up at the angry Reimu, Eirin speaks to her as if she's listening. "Eientei fares well, Hakurei. Perfectly-"

 _Boom!_ The ceiling falls in next to me-

 _Thunk!_ Holy fucking shit…!

A bathtub's now embedded in the ground next to me, a fairy with huge, beautiful teal wings and flowing neon blue hair standing up. "I'm _traa~pped!_ _Noo~!_ "

...Eirin sighs. "Oh, dear."

Looking down at her, Reimu gapes. "A- ah, no! No- stop her!"

Fucking- what now!?

...As the fairy slowly begins to glow, I hold up my water hanger, and-

 _Thunk!_ Hit 'er! _Fuck_ you!

...The blow to her face just made her head kinda turn. She stopped glowing, though-

Lunging forward, she starts- is she licking the hanger…? Um…!

...Reimu exhales. "Oo~h."

...Eirin _almost_ grins at this. "Hmm. That's a turn of events, alright." ...She reaches behind herself-

"Water…" The fairy gasps out, _fellating_ this freakin' metal hanger. "I- I, water…"

 _Thunk! Pi~chun!_

I didn't even see it happen, but Eirin's got a _bonesaw_ where the fairy's head used to be.

"See?" Marisa floats down, hopping off her broom and onto her shoes. "Brad's only useless most of the time!"

"... _What!?_ " I have questions, and would like answers!

Eirin reads my incredulity. "Tsunami fairy. She was about to release herself, you see. Would have been quite the mess."

...I blink. "She was about to blow her panties…?"

"Pfft- hahaha~!" Marisa really liked this guess!

Eirin glances away for a moment, nodding. "...I could see how you might make that mistake. No, she was going to explode into one to three hundred gallons of water and flood the room."

...Oh. So she was going to blow her panties, and _our_ panties.

...With that, Eirin cast her bonesaw aside, looking up at Reimu. "Perfectly under control."

"Right…" Lowering to the ground, Reimu stepped up to the doctor. "Any leads as to this whole incident thing?"

"There's a factory in the field by the mansion." Eirin summarized bluntly. "You just came by to steal things and kill time."

...Reimu sighed.

"How'd you catch us…?" Marisa scratched her hat awkwardly. "Was it the vase?"

"It was the fact you had no actual reason to go here, other than perhaps to help out Reisen." Turning around, Eirin continued fiddling with that device she was fiddling with. "Although, you may as well spend the night. It's late, and I think you two could do with some preparations. The factory isn't exactly a natural fixture, you see."

"...Ah." Reimu nods at this. "...Do we have to pay you back for the furniture?"

...Holding up the device she was working on, Eirin glances back at her. "Unless you wish to work it off, no. I doubt either of you would have the money required. Not that the decor is expected to last, genuinely. You can keep it, even." Oh. Cool…!

The device seemed to be some kinda… is that a pacemaker? Ooo.

Eirin presses a button on the side-

Thu- thump. It beats like a heart…!

"S'that a pacemaker?" Actually, now that I think about it-

"Lazy replacement heart." Eirin amended. "Not for placement within natural biology, as a real heart takes far greater precision, replacement or otherwise. It's related moreso to beings akin to fairies, you see." ...Huh.

"I located the factory through audio activity over local radio networks…" Setting the heart back down, Eirin continued across the room to the opposite counter. "The better question is why the fairies would make a _factory_ in the first place."

"...Yeah, tha's 'a good point." At that, Marisa moves towards the bed in the back of the room, which had a sheet cast over it. "...We took a nap just recent, so-"

"Do _not_ lift that sheet." Eirin warns her. "...You're fortunate your _misfire_ earlier did not destroy it."

...At that, Marisa furrows her brows. "The hell is it…!?"

"A fairy." Eirin concluded. "I have her comatose, for the time being."

Fairy surgery, huh. Considering they don't bleed… I don't even freakin' know.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 2

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Generic Outsider Human

PRIMARY WEAPON: H2O Hanger - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Mundane, but practical… just perhaps not as a weapon! Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

INVENTORY:

Cast-iron plant hanger - Cast-iron plant hanger - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. My most basic weapon.

Yin-yang Flail - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups.

NERF Dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF Longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Fancy Operating Cross: Version Two- Allows control and summoning of a London doll, along with some basic commands.

==o==

PARTY:

London, the Doll - Defensive unit, able to hold positions and provide cover-fire. Command is slightly dynamic, sporting defensive and offensive modes. Able to be used for more intricate operations; although seems to retreat when the operating cross is in the hammerspace sack this time...

==o==

Remilia's Batling, the Bat - Part of Remilia herself that she can split off at any time; acts as scouting for Remilia. Mostly an observer these days, apparently, choosing to not act at all. I wonder if Remilia has Sakuya make popcorn on the other side…

SKILLS:

Bash - Beat 'em up!

INVENTORY:

None.

==o==

Reimu Hakurei, the Shrine Maiden of Paradise - Human with holy affinities and gifted with the amazing Hakurei abilities, including the power to wield the Yin-yang orb.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Hakurei Yin-yang orbs: Reimu's traditional yin-yang orbs which accent her holy abilities by boosting the power of holy attacks and magic. Has a black-white color scheme. Known throughout Gensokyo as pain incarnate.

SKILLS:

Spell Cards - Lots of big, unstoppable magic spells of doom! Aaa~h!

Ofuda - Reimu slaps ofuda on enemies, dealing draining holy damage. May weaken foes. Most effective on youkai, moderately effective on humans, and less than useful on holy foes.

Floating - Including but not limited to, flying, teleportation, freakin'... barriers! Um...

INVENTORY:

Gohei - A reinforced gohei that Reimu uses when she's not crushing stuff with her orbs, or slapping ofuda on things.

Shrine maiden outfit - Her armpits are exposed, dude. Ooo~...!

==o==

Marisa Kirisame, the Ordinary Magician - Ordinary human, who happens to have spent alot of time studying magic to the point she's got a huge mana pool for unleashing heavy non-elemental magic storms.

SKILLS:

Spell Cards - Guess what, yo!? She can cast spell cards, too! Oh no~!

Telekinesis - Or, in layman's terms, _broom magic_.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Mini-hakkero - Power-amplifying device Marisa uses to fuel her Master Sparks! Boosts the power of non-elemental skills. What's a full-sized hakkero like…!?

INVENTORY:

Hammerspace Witch Hat - Infinite inventory, like me, actually!

Marisa's Witch Outfit - Man, that hat is _poofy_. Dude…

Endless Potion Repository - She's probably got ninety-nine stacks of every healing item…!

==o==

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

woooaaah this chapter is marginally a little bigger than chapter 1 because i really wanted to get things before closing it

the ever-wet plant hanger, seemingly useless in combat but let me riddle you this: if you were stranded in a desert, you'd be glad you had infinite water just flowing from your hands all the time; there's a time and place for everything!

fluffles are soft, and warm to the touch \ ; 3

anyhow alot happened this chapter… not much else to say right now because this was the result of multiple writing sessions, and my mind is drawing a blank!

rip captain's son; shoulda right-clicked for crits etc etc

also, things are moving along! we've actually gotten somewhere this chapter!

...also yes those fluffles will be showing up more often; expect more funky weapons to be for sale

fluffy days!

see you all next chapter… and, again, if i actually publish this before it's finished it probably means the fluffles captured me and snuggled me to death and this thing's up and died

==== A MILLION YEARS LATER ====

hello again friends

before we get started, changelog:

o revised entire gatling gun mech fight so that the party members involved actually do things, and action is properly placed; brad does less in the end because seriously _four or so heroines probably got this_

o revised more fighting

o removed entire tf2 spy reference bit from the latter half of the chapter, since it pushed this to like 23 k words and without it's like 19 k, and it was really a whole unnecessary latter half of the chapter since it didn't really achieve anything and i wasn't left to keep the invis watch, disguise kit or danmaku injector knife

o removed travel to beginning of chapter 3 since the next one can begin with that segment or explain why reimu has the bloodbath orbs

o removed some misc fights that really didn't entertain or do anything meaningful

o redid almost every sentence really

SO YEAH

these revisions are taking more effort than i anticipated but i'm seein' them done, dangit…! i do also like how some of the new stuff came out- but _especially_ by comparison to the earlier bits; i've still got my _raunchy insanity_ as i always do but now there's more respect to characters who aren't brad and they're margins more in-character and all that

fluffles are still soft, and warm to the touch \ ; 3

that and brad's actually new-gensokyian-y and doesn't just go ham on reality itself XD

as always, see you all next time!


	3. FairyTech: Engineering? Maybe?

(in which a weapons factory gets stormed by magical anime girls and some lunatic with a plant hanger)

…

Nngh.

Groggily, I wiggle about in the creaky medical bed. Eirin lent us a guest room for the evening, and I was actually kinda tired.

Actually, I think it's morning, now…

…

Reimu and Marisa should be somewhere, if I-

" _Get up!_ " Ooh- shit, Jesus…! I-

My bed- it's tipping! Aah-

 _Thud_. Wha' tha' fua~!?"

Fuck…! I gotta-

Marisa rolls the mattress back off 'a me. "We gotta go, go, go! Incident time, boy!" She claps her hands at me! "Up 'n' up 'n' at 'em!"

"Gaa~h!" I freakin'... _wail_ from the floor…!

"That's what I'm talkin' about, ze!" Marisa gives me a toothy smile, leaning over me. "Don't make me punt ya!"

...Reimu was nearby, staring out the window casually and fluffily. Aw-

 _Thunk_. _Ouch!_

"I _toldja_ I was gonna punt ya!" Freakin'- this freakin' _mage_ …!

Crawling onto my legs, I like… _glare_ at 'er-

She ignores my crabbiness, her broom sliding up under her. "Alright, now, where's that-"

"Here I am…" Oh, hey!

Reisen steps into view before us, moving into the door's one room. She's got her stock suit on, a _huge sniper rifle_ on her back compared to the tiny stick-y one she had in the village, as well as a funky, toy-lookin' sci-fi blaster on her belt.

"Yo~." Marisa waves at her. "We all set ta roll?"

"Yeah." Nodding, she pats her sides. "Loaded up on infiltration gadgets, potions, and offensive magical instruments. I assume you've all your usuals…"

"Hehehe! Yep!" ...Then, the witch looks over at me. "Oh, yeah. Special challenge: if this guy eats shit, you owe me a lunch!"

...Looking over at me, Reisen sighs. "Why~ is he coming with us…?"

"'Cause I'm bored." Marisa made an excuse.

Sliding the room's window open, Reimu looks back at us. "There's really no reason, anymore. But, we're not just gonna leave him with _you_ guys. He's pretty eager to get his butt kicked, so he may as well do it where we can save him." Aw, yo...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I'm riding on the back of Marisa's broom right now! It's really, _really_ high up!

"Don't touch anywhere you'll regret, ze…" Marisa regards me in a low, dangerous tone…! That's pretty cuddly, actually...

"Oh, trust me. The _last_ thing on my mind… is doing things _other_ than panicking!" I had my hands around her waist, and _I'm shook son_. "By the way! We're fucking high up! Jesus fuck!"

It's also pretty, up here. The yellow glow of the land, all these forests of unknown, and the swirling pale sky above

...Pretty _terrifying!_ I must yell! "Aaa~h-"

"Be quiet, you two." Reimu flew up alongside us, looking bored.

...

We flew quietly for some time.

However, once we neared the plains adjacent to the Scarlet Devil Mansion once again, the factory was _pretty obvious_ actually, I'm pretty sure there was no way Marisa 'n' Reimu missed this their first time around.

"There it is." Reimu surveyed the vaguely massive structure from above…

"Let's fly low!" Reisen drifted ahead of us, and began lowering, taking us with her. She had an arm on her sniper rifle, peeking through the scope and down. "There's anti-air established on the top! If we don't approach from the ground, we might get beat down!"

"Anti-air!?" Surprised-

 _Woosh!_ Oh my god Marisa don't fucking _nosedive Jesus shit-_

"Ngh…" Marisa pulls up abruptly, and my head bangs against the back of hers-

 _Clonk._ "Fa~h…" She's only slightly disgruntled by that!" "Right, cargo…" Y'mean you _forgot_ …!?

...As she lowered at a more _reasonable_ rate, akin to just unceremoniously _dropping_ -

Reimu accelerates past us, her skirt flying in her face and showing off her _bloomers_. Man. You know, I bet bloomers are better for flying around than _panties_. Like-

Falling twice as fast, Reisen descends past us, her pink panties flashing by as she drops like a fuckin' rock. It's like getting pod-dropped in, without the pods, or anything! Woa~h…! I can't really enjoy that like _half a second_ of panties I just saw because _wi~nd resista~nce…!_

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

 _Fwoom!_ We all stopped abruptly near the grassy Earth below-

"Wa~h…" I exhale. I can breathe, right? Yeah. Good. Aha~h…

We're outside of the forest directly before the factory, so yeah. Freakin'...

"Air_Defense_System...Activated." A computerized voice echoed from beyond the trees.

Giving the forest a jaded stare, Reisen took her _almighty sniper rifle_ off her back. "...Ah."

"Whatever, ze…" Hopping off her broom, Marisa looked at me, as if expecting me to get off…!

...So I did-

After I got off, she got back on! "We just gonna plow ahead?"

"Yeah." Drifting ahead, Reimu took into the woods…

Strapping her sniper rifle back onto her back once she'd looked it over, Reisen drew that toy-looking blaster from her belt. "Alright. C'mon, um…" She looked over at me! "What's your name?"

My name, huh. Aw, this is that moment where you can name yourself like in those RPG games! Let's see, um, let me move my cursor. B… I… G… where the hell's the- oh, there. B… O… O… B-

"His name's Brad." Pivoting around before the trees, Reimu interjected because I was taking too long to name myself! "...Which, I think he may've forgotten. Your name's Brad, by the way." Aaa~h!

…With that information, Reisen began moving ahead. "Stay close to me, Brad."

"What if I _don't_ , yo?" I wanna know, before we-

"I'll make you." Oh. Well, I guess that's a good reason as any!

The forest looks pretty regular… which is refreshing, 'cause prior to Gensokyo I'd not been inside a proper forest in _some time_ , let's just say…

…

Once we were in past the trees-

 _Fwaa~m!_ Marisa held her mini-hakkero hand with her other arm, as she flicked a thin, white beam through the brush-

 _Pi- pi- pi~chun!_ Fairies! Or, fairies that _used to be_ at least. Ooo~...

"Fairies're chillin'." Marisa commented idly on the dead fairies, as she ascends to have an overview of the scene above us, keeping below the canopy. "Nothin's leapin' out…"

"Weird." Reimu shook her head. "...And they had so much energy before."

...After some moments, we came up to the factory.

The place itself was just a big metal box. Two rectangles on the top stretched into the daytime sky. The door was wide open, some fairies at the front looking over some stout, blue-clothed people…

"Kappa~." Marisa droned out their species! "Whole place looks like kappa!"

"Great…" Floating down, Reimu landed before us, running ahead towards the people…

Once we arrived, the kappa turned-

 _Fwi- fwi- fwish_. They disappeared from sight, boxes of shifting visibility bending the light around them, before it appeared they were totally gone.

" _Girls!_ " A glaring, platinum-haired fairy pointed at us, and began marching out of the facility! "...What brings _you four_ here?"

This fairy was tall, imposing, and only appeared to be a fairy 'cause of her big, amazing wings. She was pretty freakin'... imposing! She had this like _imperial_ attire on, with laces and belts and _boots_.

Next to her were some short fairies, with little orange hard hats on, with little lights in the centers. One had green hair, and the other had red hair...

"You." Twirling her gohei around, Reimu made an assumption. "You look important. What's this place about?"

"It is none of your concern, _maiden_." Smirking, the fairy tilted back. "...However, if you would like-"

 _BLAM_

Woah- holy shit…!

...The fairy was gone. Her subordinates with the cute little hard hats on both turned around and just bolted back inside.

I look over at Reisen, only to see her _huge fucking sniper rifle_ mounted on a stand, aimed at the fairy that had to have been like ten feet away. Yo~...!

Grinning at 'er, Marisa shook her head. "Well, shit! Guess we're gonna blow this thing sky high!"

"Maybe we'll find out something inside.." Brows furrowed, Reimu began to dash inside.

Reisen quickly tugged up her sniper rifle and ran inside, holding the rifle like a freakin' mini gun, while Marisa sped after her friend.

...Well.

Takin' this moment, I examine the outside. Ma~n. Such a big place! Like-

 _THOOM_.

Once the girls are inside, the door shuts.

…

I'm… stuck. Outside.

…

 _Fuck!_

I bang on the door! "Wil~ma~!"

…Nope. No~ one heard me.

Wow. That sucks!

Guess I'll just… I dunno. I'm gonna scout along the exterior here…

I'm marooned, dude. Maroo~ned! Ooo~!

That's a funny word, innit? Maroo~n!

"Maroo~n!" I call out aloud!

...I'm stupid. Fear strikes me; what if some big mean mothafucka just rolled up outta the woods and tore my head off 'cause the girls were inside…!? Jee~z…

Running ahead, I make for the side of the box. The front face is just a big bland box of steel and metal, objective and imposing, marring the landscape's otherwise serene atmosphere.

Even so, it's kinda pretty in its own way. Maybe that's just the _edge lord inside_ , dude. But like, there's somethin' neat about how this metal and these bolts dig into the ground, rending stone and displacing grass- most of which was dug up around the place.

Neat like how this fire escape on the side here-...

A fire escape! Issa way in, innit!? Aw, there we go. Dunno what the fuck to do otherwise, so I guess I'll just go in.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After climbing like _seven flights_ of fire escapes, I was at the top…

"Ha~h…" Yeah, stairs. I hate them, even if I'm the least impacted by them. "Ha~h…"

 _Crea~k_. The top floor's freshly installed door _still_ creaked when I swung it open. Freakin'...

On the inside, there was just an empty hall. Windows only visible from this side expose the treetops ahead to the structure's interior.

... _Click_. The door shuts behind me as I enter the hall, pressing ahead…

I feel like I shouldn't be here, but that's a feeling I've been getting a lot recently, so I'm kind of desensitized to it!

Reaching the end of this unremarkable hall, I move to open the door-

 _Click!_ It swings open of its own accord! Aa~h!

As I flinch back, a kappa steps out! Oh shit, oh shit-

"A- ah…!" The kappa freezes up upon seeing me!

...We're frozen, dude! Encounter dot exe has crashed.

...After a moment, the kappa adjusted her fluffy hat. "Hey…" She was short, and had grey hair, and blue eyes.

…

Well. "Are you gonna… murderize me?" Kinda don't know where kappa and humans stand!

"What?" She blinks! "O- oh, no, no! I'm just, I'm surprised to see someone up here…"

...Huh. Well then.

I crouch repeatedly to make sure we're friendlies.

...Staring at me _curiously_ , she just navigates past me, stares out the window, and starts digging through her many pockets…

She took out an apple, and started eating it. Aw, we cool dude, we cool!

Alright, so the most intimidating people don't care I'm here, maybe. This is good!

Movin' outside of the room…

Standing on a catwalk, I peer over a massive floor. Of, y'know, a massive _room_. Nah, the floor's huge, but the wall's exactly one foot in diameter!

Fairies with hair of all colors and heights seem to be gathered into great groups, way down on the grey warehouse floor.

Weapons drop from above; some big and dumb, others looking unlike guns at all. Shafts are positioned over each group, to arm them with crap.

" _Everything! Send everything!_ " In the intercom above, a sort of raspy dude's voice yells out. " _We're under attack!_ "

...Oh boy. What the _fuck_ did I just walk into?

Well, whatever. If I'm up here, I don't think I'll get fucked with. The only people up here seem to be kappa folk, and they're paying me like, minimum mind.

Power walking ahead, I navigate past some friendly kappa-

"Hey, you!" A pink-haired kappa chick with twintails gets in my way! "Who're you!?"

"...Me!?" Oh, fuck. I gesture to myself, to make sure…!

"Yes, _you_." Pouting, she marches up to me. "...What're you doing here?"

"I'm me." I clarify.

"Okay." She frowns.

"And you're you." I point at her so it's perfectly clear.

"...Okay." I don't think she was happy to learn that.

...I hold my arms out. "Maroo~n!" I did it, son. Mission accomplished.

…

"Well, we don't get paid to be _security._ " Turning away, the sassy kappa girl ignores me. "If I see you break anything though, I'm hurting you."

Huh. I can't believe that actually worked. Speech one hundred, son.

With that encounter behind me, I continue along the rafters…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: REIMU HAKUREI'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Ah. I knew I shouldn't've left the shrine without eating something. I felt weird just then...

"You good?" Raising a brow, Marisa gets closer because of my stumbling about.

"Fine." She doesn't have to worry. Unless I actually pass out from hunger or something, but that'd be the first in awhile.

A better focus right now would be… where're these fairies getting guns from, anyway?

The room ahead of us is big, filled with crates along the sides for fairies to hide behind and take potshots at us from. Even so-

 _Boom!_ Some of Reisen's low-grade sniper blasts were able to trash most of the debris.

 _Fwa- fwam!_ Rolling through the air away from me, Marisa twirled out of the way of a wild, green laser barrage from ahead. "Yo~!"

The fairies ahead had quad-pronged boxes with handles, which fired erratic, random spreads of lasers…

Accelerating ahead, I try to flank around-

 _Boom!_ A fairy emerging from crates ahead shoots a rocket from _something_ , making a blast before me. Guess I can't go _there_ , then-

 _Fwa- fwap!_ I send two ofuda to meet her-

 _Pi~chun!_ She's done.

 _Patatatat!_ "Shrine maide~n!" Grinning ear to ear, a particularly tiny, blonde fairy unleashes little white pellets into the air before me, which move to contain me-

 _Fwap_. One of my ofuda meet her forehead-

 _Pi~chun!_ Fairies aren't known for resilience. That took care of her danmaku, too.

 _Cli- clack- clack!_ Reisen's sniper rifle folds open, a stocky, shimmering barrel poking out from the initial long one. "Reimu! Get high or low!"

I look up-

 _Woo~sh!_ The wind grates on the ceiling above are still making that look like a bad idea.

"Woaa~h!" Marisa dipped up for a little, only to get spun around, forcing her to fall back down…

Getting down, I almost belly slide along the floor-

 _Patatatatatatatat!_ Reisen unloads a wide, graceless spread from her gun, scarlet and white _bullet-shaped bullets_ flooding out.

"Oak-chan!" One of the fairies dropped her quad-laser rifle, in disbelief that her friends wanted to test their mettle against the rabbit. "We- we gotta-"

 _Pi- pi- pi~chun!_ The enjambment of quad-laser fairies were mowed down in a breath.

...This floor is _dirty_. Sliding around just above it, I quickly get out of Reisen's firing radius and drift into the air again…

 _Pow- pow- pow!_

 _Ow!_

"Nn~gh." One of the sniper fairies in the back nailed me in the side with a laser. These weapons are all danmaku… but still, they _hurt me_. I'm not letting that go.

Drawing yin-yang needles, I flung my arm their way-

 _Cli- cli- clink._ They embed in the crates beneath the metal platform the green-haired snipers stood on-

 _Fwam- boom- fwam!_ Shortly after, person-sized blasts of holy energy roared out, taking the fairy's lives-

 _CREA~K!_ Oh. I broke their catwalk, too…

Guess I'll just watch it hit the floor, for a moment, because that's neat. Marisa seems to have taken care of the supporting fairies with her lasers…

... _CLA- CLANG!_

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Holy _shit_ it's brutal down there…!

On the catwalk just above where the heroines were doin' their business, kappa and fairies ran around frantically…!

I'm gonna join them!

 _Vuu~m! Vuu~m!_ Klaxon sirens! Everything's gone to shit! Aaaa~h!

This one kappa's running back and forth repeatedly, looking busy about it! I think I'mma join her!

Before I can, another fancily dressed fairy ran past me. "The- they got Mirror-chan- they got Mirror-chan…!"

Yo, yo!

Running ahead, I keep after her! Who's this mirror girl!?

...After a moment, she brought a _weird gun_ from off her back. "Stupid _fucking_ shrine maiden and her _sluts_." Woah, okay…! That's rather unfairy-like of you, miss fairy.

Holding up the box-tipped gun, she aims down…

…

 _Fwi- Choom!_ She fired a series of like, electrical lookin', jerky beams down-

 _Zap!_ They hit Reimu below as she surveyed the scene-

 _Za- za- zapap- zap!_ ...Um. Reimu's jerking about in the air now-

 _Thud_. ...And, now she's on the ground. Did… what just happened there?

...In a heartbeat, Marisa began to race over to her, a potion in her hand. The fairy began to line up another shot. Freakin', not if I-

 _BLAM_

Ooh! Both me and the fairy jumped at that!

A line of red tells us that the bunny's snipe took out someone on the catwalk across from us.

The long, navy-haired fairy next to me gasped. "Moon-chan…! No! _No!_ "

Tears welling in her eyes, she aimed down at Reisen instead. "I- I won't let us be…"

" _Hey, hey!_ " I grab her shoulder, forcefully!

...Freezing, she just kind of turns to me.

"Don't be sad…" I give her a smile. "Don't be ma~d."

...She's glaring at me.

A wide, reassuring smile and some advice, dude. "Be glad! Like my friend Chad!" I gesture to the kappa _still_ running back and forth behind me. Most of the other kappa have gone and either fucked off or just gave up on life, but not this one!

...She's mad, isn't she? She snorts out air as she _glowers_ at me…!

"Yo- you don't know _anything!_ " Ooh, she's very mad! Crying openly, she aims her electric gun at me oh crap-

 _BLAM_

...Oh. There's a tiny hole in the catwalk now, where Reisen's ear piercing sniper rifle shot went through. The fairy's gone, too. Freakin' _removed from reality_.

 _Cla- clack_. The gun of doom bounces off the rafter edge, and to the floor below.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: REIMU HAKUREI'S PERSPECTIVE ====

My- my limbs are still shaking…

Tugging on my arm, Marisa helps me up. "You good now?"

 _Clack!_ A dumb looking yellow gun bounced to the floor from above. Reisen must've taken out whoever nailed me...

"Ye- yeah…" Still jittery, even with that panacea she forced down my throat. Here I thought I could use this factory for something good. If they're making weapons like _that_ , it just has to go. I can't let powerful stun guns like that get passed around to _fairies_.

"Ngh…" That was awful, and everything's sort of numb, but I'm okay, I think.

"You sure?" Marisa~.

"Yeah, yeah." Stop worrying about me, I'm fine, probably. "We're heading to the next room."

There's nothing left alive down here. People're on the rafters, but they're not attacking. Well, except for those commander fairies, who brought those bad zappers.

"I'm sorry I didn't see them earlier!" Reisen blurts out an apology to me, jogging up to me with her big stupid minigun-sniper rifle combo. "Are you okay!?"

"Ye~s." I'm fine, really. "C'mon."

As we whirl past smashed crates and fallen weapons, we progress to the next big door on the foyer floor-

 _FWOOM!_

...Oh, great. These grates on the floor, before the door? Fire jets. I thought I was done with this stuff back in Hell…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Runnin' ahead on the rafters, I try to keep up with the party below-

 _FWOOM!_

Holy _shit!_ Great _balls_ a 'fire!

...Well, more like _shafts_. That's… not a lot better.

Shafts of flame poke from the grates under the wide doorway below.

" _Reimu Hakurei!_ " Alright, who's this cheesy boy swallowin' a microphone over the announcement system? " _I ask that you leave this facility!_ "

Oh, yeah. That works well. Tell 'em to _go away_. I don't think he said please, though.

...The party below stood before the jet of flames.

"Marisa," Reimu turned to her friend. "You know any water magic?"

"...I got a _few buckets_ in my hat." Reluctant, she just adjusted her hat, rather than dig in. "I, ah, don' really wanna use 'em. They're for if one of us get ignited."

"...Reisen?" Reimu turned to her rabbit friend.

"I'm sorry…" Of all things, yo, Reisen didn't bring any water bullets. That minigun-sniper combo needs a supersoaker function.

...Hmm. I wonder if there's any side doors for them to take. I mean-...

Hey, wait.

Walking along the catwalks, I come to the area over the fire jets. They're not very, like, _powerful_ fire jets, but I don't think you could just fly through without burning. They were more like... tall, normal flames, kind of almost artificially pulled upward.

Well, then! Let's see if this works…

Taking out the H2O hanger, I thrust it forward, into the imposing, sort of stagnant flames!

Instantly, steam rolls out from ahead, the water vaporizing quickly. The heat from this radius is intense, but akin to a fireplace back at home, and not like, y'know, _lava jets_ or some shit like that.

...Za- zap, zap.

What…?

The metal pad atop the big ass doorway begins to crackle, as the water slowly _floats up_ and mats to the metal that was different to the uneven, brick-like ceiling of the warehouse room.

As it did, the flames lowered.

They lowered down to the size of more regular flames, the heat dissipating with them as the fires were reduced to the size of raging infernos rather than just _walls_ of flame.

"...Ah?" Reimu looked over the new opening... "What happened?"

"Faulty wiring!" Marisa began to float up, to get over it. "...Oh, hey! Brett made it in after all!" Freakin'...

Floating up to the top, Marisa smiled at the water matted against the ceiling pads. "...Huh. Guess that investment paid off, huh?"

"I- I would say so…!" Hehe~y. I did a thing!

...With that, Marisa floated forward, Reimu taking after her. Reisen followed her next.

…

Oh, wait, they left me behind again. Ah, well. I'll just take another one of these convenient mook doors that I'm pretty sure the heroines could've taken instead of me opening the way for them.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: REIMU HAKUREI'S PERSPECTIVE ====

" _We've begun our evacuation procedures._ " A deeper voice spoke over the intercom, as opposed to that sort of gritty guy's voice. Yeah, whatever. " _We hope you feel proud of yourselves._ "

"Yeah, we do!" Shaking a fist, Marisa yelled up at the voice.

The room was large, and lit with soft, crimson red light. Rafters hung above us, but outside of a few kappa- who've refused to hit us or anything so far- we've been left alone pretty much.

This room had to have incorporated almost all of the rest of this place, because it's _big_. Really big. And flat…

" _Your actions have consequences._ " Does this guy shut up? Although, if he's just going to talk to us instead of attack or anything, this might be over quicker than I expected. Maybe I can do my grocery shopping, later today.

"S'what we call 'cause and effect', bud…" Marisa mumbled a retort as she looked around. "Alright, where the hell are ya…"

 _CLANG!_

The room shook, Reisen and myself rising into the air as a result of the tremors.

Before us, a large machine dropped down. A large barrel poked from a turret-esque fixture on the top, and it had two big treads…

"Get out of the way of the cannon!" Reisen barked out at me. "That's a _tank!_ " Oh.

... _Vrrr~_. The turret whined as it turned to face me.

Since it's slow, I'll just…

Focusing on the barrier's energy, I close my eyes and let myself drift.

It's a very weird process… and, I don't know _why_ I feel the need to _think_ about it right now, for no reason, but I guess I will. Maybe Alice was right about me becoming a little arrogant.

Judging my position and getting it in proportion to the Hakurei barrier, I feel myself almost flip around according to my opponent. It's like… it's like if that tank there was the the middle of a sheet of paper, and I'm on the very edge, and I'm folding the paper in half.

Once it's folded, I'm behind the tank.

It's so fast it's almost instantaneous, but now I'm right behind that turret-

 _BLAM._ The machine rocked as it fired a massive, dangerous shot towards where I used to be.

"Woohoo~!" Liking that, Marisa gave the tank an approving nod as she whirled around its side.

Holding the minigun-sniper combo up like a mortar-

 _Fwoomp!_ Reisen _actually_ lobbed a mortar shot from it-

 _FWZAP- ZAP- ZAP!_ The purple payload exploded against the armor, a messy spread of electric shells splashing out from the cluster mortar.

Even so, the tank didn't look really affected. It's probably more machine than electronic.

" _Behold Cherry-chan T-sixteen._ " The intercom above us spoke. " _She will be your end._ "

... _Vrrr~_. Slowly, so slowly, the turret began to turn to try and aim at us again.

" _I'm sorry it had to end this way, Hakurei._ " I'm not sure if he's seeing what we're seeing. " _I must say, it was commendable of you to fumble your way through the warehouse floor._ " That took ten minutes.

 _Fwa- fwa- fwam!_ Marisa lobbed a magic canteen at the tank's surface, but it didn't seem to accomplish much but make the armor's surface crackle.

"...Hey, u~h." Drifting over the turret, Marisa asked a question. "Reisen, what're tanks made of?"

"Metal." Reisen regarded her dryly. "...Since we're talking kappa, probably regular steel with the occasional doodad."

...Marisa grinned widely. "The fuck's a doodad?"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

After passing through the employee-only door, I am now in the room the party of girls is in!

...Up here, I can see them floating around the complete opposite side of the tank's turret below. Man, that's just pitiful. Tanks _are_ supposed to be like, anti- _armor_ vehicles. Anti-armor armor. This one doesn't seem fit with machine guns even, or else, like, they would've been _used_ , I'm sure.

 _Fwam!_ I see Marisa lob a laser into it!

Fwa- fwa- fwa- fwap. Reimu coats the outside in ofuda.

...Landing on the top, Reisen casts her gun into the _air beside herself_ for a moment, before kneeling down and working on the door on the top. Aw, yo. Note to self: tanks have a low effectivity against magical girls!

...Up on the rafters here, I keep going until I come up to some kappa, midway through the room…

One of them looks really happy. She's got blonde pigtails! "I hope we get to make another one of these! This was fun!"

A bobby-haired, blue kappa next to her looked relatively more sedate. "...Yeah."

Stepping up to them, I wave a hand. "Yeah- hey. Tough day at the office, huh?" I am a totally normal part of the environment!

...They just _stare_ at me. Aa~h!

"We should make _another_ tank when we get out of here." The blonde kappa turned to her friend. "And we won't follow some stuffy book this time! We'll make it with _lasers!_ And we'll make it _fly!_ "

"Supposing _something_ doesn't stop us when we get too far…" Folding her arms, the blue kappa seemed almost sad. "This place is about to get blown up, too."

"...And?" The blonde kappa didn't really care. "We'll just make new stuff!"

"Hey, you guys know anything about that tank…?" I point at it, because _tank_ , and I thought I heard something about-

"We made it!" They replied in unison, with varied enthusiasm.

Oh! Alright.

"How do you break it?" I grin at 'em.

…

Cli- click. The blonde kappa pulled out a stocky gun on me without missing a beat. "Don't make me kill you, mister." Um…

...The blue-haired one's even giving me a look of _scorn!_

"...I, ah, what I meant was…" Oh, man, I screwed the pooch. My corn is _cobbed, son_. No, wait… "I mean like, how do you _break it in?_ " There we go!

"By using it?" The kappa tilted her head. "...That was a pretty bad save."

"Yeah, I know." Freakin'... "Well- I mean, if you looked at it as a, uh, _initial question_ , it was more of a weak casual offhand comment-"

"Don't make me shoot you just for being annoying." The kappa girl's meaner than anticipated, dude…! "If you want something, spit it out or screw off." Jesus…!

"Look yo, I'm sorry!" I didn't expect her to rip my head off, dude! "...How do you, _deactivate it_ , then?"

...This time, she pointed her shotgun to this glass-shielded overhang in the back. Actually, one of _many_ glass-shielded overhangs. "That balcony, I think. There's some radio controls we made for our contractor. He wanted a model tank, so we did it." At that, she nodded, sliding her shotgun away…

Oh, cool. "Alright, thank you, friend. Cool tank, by the way! Looks realistic!" Performs realistic, too!

"Thank you!" She nods again, enthusiastically!

Alright, time to roll on down to these _radio controls_ , dude. RC tanks!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: REIMU HAKUREI'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Tanks are pretty annoying.

 _Clo~ng_. Marisa whacked her broom against it. "Reimu, ya need to ban _tanks_ unless they like, have a gauge for danmaku 'er somethin'."

 _BLAM_. Standing atop it, Reisen unloaded a sniper shell into the top of it, making a hole in it. "This door's sealed _pretty tight_ … especially for such an old-looking model."

" _He~y!_ " Hmm?

... _Woosh!_

From above, a blonde-haired kappa girl descended, her boots lighting up with a flair of fire before she crashed against the tank. "Stop hitting it!"

"Turn it off, then." If it's not going to stop shooting us, then we're going to keep hitting it.

She aimed her shotgun at me. "Why don't you just go away…!? You made my friend sad!"

"I'm gonna make you sad." Bringing up my gohei, I prepared to defend myself. " _Cautionary Barrier!_ "

Casting out four ofuda, I made a pulsing blue barrier before myself-

 _Kablam!_ Golden pellets splashed from the kappa's shotgun, the projectiles consumed by my barrier.

Resting her sniper-whatever on the tank, Reisen floated off and to us, her blaster ready-

 _Pf-zap!_ She fired a scarlet shotgun spread, similar to the kappa's.

" _Ow!_ " Gritting her teeth, the kappa began to whip her head around-

 _Pf-zap!_ Reisen fired again, floating up to avoid detection-

" _Stop!_ " Fed up, the kappa drifted forward-

 _Zap!_ She met my barrier, the holy energy tossing her weakly to the floor.

 _Thud_ \- _clack clack_. Her weapon bounced along her side, and she just flopped back. "Wh- why…?"

...Drifting down, I moved past my barrier to drag her away from the tank's treads. "Because."

...With her out of the way, that still left this tank. I don't think she's going to help. Kappa are _very_ protective of their machines, usually. They'll break them themselves just fine, but if you go out of the way to smash their stuff, they get really angry. I guess this one _really_ cares about this tank, and doesn't think it can fight us fairly. She's not _wrong_ , either…

 _Bo- bo- bo~ng!_ Marisa gives the side of it two good whacks, before kicking it. "Reisen- can't ya order a tank 'a your own to get dropped in…!?"

Reisen was moving to retrieve her _gun thing_. "I only do that when we're in _trouble_." Or if you want to drive your tank around. Which, I don't blame you, that thing of yours is pretty cool. A lot better than _this_ thing...

"Annoying enemies _are_ trouble!" Hopping onto her broom again, Marisa aimed her mini-hakkero at the flank of it-

 _Fwa- fwa- fwam!_ -before unleashing another glob of magic energy similar to that canteen she threw.

"It'd suck if we had ta waste a spell card just to burn through this thing…!" Zipping over to Reisen, Marisa orbited over her… "Reisen, _how_ do ya _bust_ a _tank!?"_

"Well, normally _fire_ would be a way of going about it…" Reisen considered. "...I mean, I could burn the undercarriage and try to ignite it… but I'd rather not just desecrate a-"

"Not you, too!" Marisa yelled at her. "It's just a- uu~gh. Do we gotta put it in an animal cage and ship it to a shelter now, ze!?"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Click. Progressing through another employee-only door, I close it softly. Skills learned from high school: bullshitting, closing doors quietly, and _patience_. We teach our students important things, dude.

Inside here, the otherwise black and highly reflective glass was clearly see-through. The room was pretty dark otherwise, though. A dude in a _suit_ stood ahead of me, playing with a joystick and some buttons mounted to a console before the window...

In the very back of the room was a flickering blue panel, particles of energy floating off of it as it unevenly flickered. It looks like a portal, or some shit.

Strewn about the room are some comic books and colorful things on one half, and on the other are _big boy books_ and less weebish furnishings. Two beds, it would seem!

...Aw, the guy's _pre-occupied_ dude. It's time for a _sneak attack!_ Gonna go all _assassin' molasses_ on 'em, gonna freakin'...

...Slowly, silently marching up behind the outsidey man-

I _jump 'em_ my boy! Freakin', bring my hands up-

"Wha- what the hell!?" He bolts back and fights me dude!

But it's too late my man, I got my hands on his head, and I-... well, nngh- I…

"Get the _hell_ off me!" Oof!

He pushes me off, and whirls around! "Who the hell are you!?"

...As it turns out, you need a _modicum_ of strength to snap a boy's neck. All I did was probably disorient him!

"...I'm you, now!" I point at him!

"What…!?" He looks himself over for a moment, just to make sure he's still him, before baring his teeth. "What did you do to me!?"

...He has a tie. "I fixed your tie…" I pointed at his shirt. "Or tried to, anyway." It's not a made tie!

...Blinking, he gives me a skeptical glare-

"Look, uh, one of the pretty kappa put me up to it!" I shrug exaggeratedly at 'em. "It was just a prank, _bro_."

"What the hell…" Exhaling, he turns to the controls of the tank, before hopping on 'em again. "You need to leave. I'm busy."

"What if I…" I need to find a way to persuade this guy to go, dude. "What if I tossed an _entire_ cooked turkey at you, and tipped you over?"

...Turning back towards me, he just has this look of freakin' _revelation_.

"...Are you a _kappa_ or _fairy?_ " ...Y'know, I don't think I've even met a male variant of one of those yet. The kappa all look tiny, anyway, and their suits make it hard to tell. Fairies I'm pretty sure are all chicks at this point.

"Both." So I pick the best answer! Freakin'- doesn't look like _this_ slick-haired fop knows up from down. "...So, what're ya doin'?"

"Fff~..." He shakes his head at me like I'm _stoopid!_ " _Fighting_ the _Hakurei_ , you…" Pausing, he faces me fully. "What is it that you want? I could always _exclude you_ from the project, if you prove to be a hassle."

Oh shit, son. He's gonna exclude me…! "...I want a pony for Christmas."

" _Get_ outta my sight!" He waves his hand at me! "I'll have whatever security's left escort you out!"

"You should try talking to Reimu, dude." I try to test his resolve! "She's soft, and warm to the touch."

...He grabs the air before himself! "What will it take to make you _go away?_ "

"Something soft, and warm to the touch." I request a cuddlemuffin.

"I can give you the maiden once she fails." The man turns back to the glass and the controls. "I already know talking to these locals are useless. I've studied this region for some time, you know."

Oh, yeah? "Who're _you?_ "

...He just gives me an incredulous glare! "None of your damn business, _freak_."

"If ya gimme a spin on the tank controls, I'll get outta yer hair, yo." I request tank access!

...Sighing, he actually relents! "Nothing I do seems to work. If only I brought my goddamn handgun, but _no_. And when the hell could girls _fly!?_ "

What kind of research have you been doing. Apparently not enough, because I'm pretty sure even the fairies under your employ could fly! "...You mean the teleporty thing Reimu did?"

"That too." Sighing, he placed his hands on the counter next to the controls, as I got ready to mingle wit 'em… "The book I got said humans can't fly, let alone _teleport_. She'd be dead if the shot actually _hit!_ "

Well son, you missed. Welcome to XCOM!

...After trying to make the tank spin- and like, actually move- I notice it's _pretty slow about turning_. "Oh, man, dude. This is _bad!_ "

"It's supposed to be _anti-vehicle_ , which you can see." Shaking his head, the brown-haired, middle-aged guy grimaced at the display. "The book said Gensokyo was _filled_ with giant, tree-sized youkai, so I thought…"

Haven't seen any of those, yet! Also, like…

"What book?" Did he get his hands on some Touhou manga I didn't know about…!?

"The Gensokyo Chronicle." He spoke! "Published by Hieda no Aya. I'm sure you've heard of it."

Hieda no Aya? Is she like, the chick _before_ Akyuu? That… might be more than a little old, then!

"Do ya got a copy?" I'd like to see it, yo!

"...Ah, let me go find it. Keep them under pressure." He moves to go find it. Now's my chance…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: REIMU HAKUREI'S PERSPECTIVE ====

 _Bo~ng!_ Teleporting above the tank, I came down and kicked the door, but it still wouldn't budge. Man…

"Reisen…" Marisa was giving the rabbit a grin and a glare. "You say the _word_ … and I'll explode this thing _so hard_ it'll just be _gone_."

"No, don't." Standing in the way, Reisen defended it. "It even stopped attacking… or doing anything. Maybe we could just skip past it…?"

"No!" Her glare breaking, Marisa looked past her. "It's hurt my pride, ze! Now I gotta blow it up at all costs! For great justice!"

...I stomp on the door on the top uselessly, again. Hmm. Maybe we _should_ just leave it alone.

"See?" Gesturing to me, Marisa makes an example of me. "Even Reimu's upset!"

"...I'm really not." Don't make me come over there.

 _Vrum- vrum- vrum- vrum- vrum!_ Oh- woah. The tank's actually turning itself…

"Woah!" Marisa and Reisen leap out of the way, as it turns ninety degrees with me standing on it…

 _Vrum- vrum- vrum_.

...Once it's fully turned-

 _Vrumvrumvrumvrumvrum!_ It chugs and bobs as it plows across the grey floor, heading for the wall on the far end of the warehouse floor. Just, very slowly. This thing's not fast.

...Marisa floats up to me, and looks down at it. "What's this all about…?"

"Maybe it's retreating." Reisen theorized. "That would make sense."

We must've hurt its feelings, then. Oh well.

...I take a seat on it as it continues to chug towards the brick wall on the far end of the floor.

"I need a tank." Tanks seem like they're pretty useful for some things.

"Aah…" Reisen doesn't seem to agree, though. "I don't think so."

"Too big and too slow." Shaking her head, Marisa kept pace near us. "Even Reisen's tank's like… it's showy, which is cool. I'd want Reisen's tank! Just, not this thing. This isn't very showy, it's just, like, dead."

"The difference being a generational difference in the triple to quadruple digits." Reisen criticized her logic. "Also, I think _everyone_ wants a lunar-styled tank…" You're not wrong.

Speaking of tanks, this one's still making for the brick wall. We're almost there, so like… um…

It's not stopping.

I float off of it, and watch it go as the other girls stop too-

 _BOO~M!_ It crashes through the bricks-

 _CRA- CRA- CRA~NG!_ -and rends metal, as it makes a dynamic exit from the battleground.

 _Vrumvrumvrumvrum…!_ It continues to chug as it accelerates into the distance, leaving us behind.

…

Well, guess we can ignore it, then.

"That happened!" Floating up, Marisa looked around the warehouse interior. "So, u~h…"

...I saw some kappa on the rafters, so there's probably interesting things up there. "C'mon. There's probably some room the manager sits in."

"Oo~h!" At that, she perks up. "We're gonna speak to their manager! I wanted my tank in red!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

"What the _hell!?_ " The guy's next to me again, his jaw dropped…! "What _happened!?"_

"They liberated the tank species, dude…!" I slam my hands on the controls! "Dude, they went like, 'ooo~ megaton-uu hammer-uu~!', and then they like, _bam!"_

...He looks over at me with wide eyes, before droppin' that book aside and shuffling for the portal!

"Son, hold up!" I call out for him as he freakin' just books it outta here-

 _Fwoa~m_. The portal makes a stock sound effect as he freakin' falls through it!

 _Za- zap_. It goes out. He killed it, dude…!

…

Well, while I'm here, I might as well tell bad jokes over the P.A. system…

Let's see, where the hell's- ah, this microphone on the wall here's _probably_ what I'm looking for.

I press the button-

Oo~h. I can hear the microphone static from in _here_.

...Leaning over, I speak!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: REIMU HAKUREI'S PERSPECTIVE ====

We probably should've seen it sooner, but there's some glass leading to a bunch of balcony booths on the edge between the back wall and the ceiling. The rafters have access to them, so we're just up on them, now…

There isn't a soul up here, anymore. It seems all of the kappa have abandoned the place, aside from that pour girl we knocked out. Is she still-...

Upon looking down, I see she's gone. She must've fled, too.

" _Aw… is this thing on?_ " Someone we recognize speaks over the facility intercom. " _...It is! Oh shit!_ " Ah.

"...That's great…!" Floating along _beside_ the rafter me and Reisen are on, Marisa stares up, looking for a speaker...

" _I have… commandeered the point!_ " Brad exclaimed his accomplishment over the intercom. " _And now we can clown around…!"_ Uh oh. Let's not.

"Quick. Find the room." Reisen monotoned urgently, if that's possible.

" _I declare today… 'brazen fluff' day_." He has instituted 'brazen fluff day', it seems.

"No~." Reaching into her suit pockets, Reisen takes out those scanner goggles she has sometimes. "Let me see…"

" _Does anyone have a like, entire, already cooked turkey?_ " What even. " _I want one to chuck at dudes!_ " No. No, I don't think that's allowed.

"Wh- what the hell…" Marisa, if I hear you repeat that _ever_ , we're fighting then and there. In fact-

"Marisa, if I hear you repeat that _ever_ , I'm gonna beat you up." I decide to tell her as much.

...She grins at me. "Y'know where I can find a turkey, Reimu…!?" Great.

" _...I should sing, dude!_ " Reisen, find him faster. " _Actually... for some reason, I'm self-conscious about that!_ " How.

"There." Reisen marches for the booth straight ahead. Oh, good, we could've just guessed.

" _Reimu's soft, and warm to the touch._ " Alright- could we not? I'm gonna hit him. " _Oh shit- maybe that one was a bad idea!_ " He even _knows_.

We come up to the door, Reisen leading the way…

" _Aw…_ " We hear him over the intercom. " _Don't come in, dude. I'm not decent!_ " _What's_ going on, in there.

Crea~k. Reisen pushes the bland grey door open.

...Brad's standing there in his weird, all-navy blue attire, grinning at us from a microphone. "Oh, hey, you guys made it. Dinner's in the oven."

Okay. Hitting time.

...He begins to back up as I approach. "Yo- hey friend, I dunno 'bout you, but-"

 _Thwack!_ I slide up to him with speed he didn't expect, and give him a half-hearted whack on the side of the head.

"Oh- shit…!" The blow sends him stumbling anyway. "Ouch- ooo~...! Jesus..." _Who's_ this Jesus guy, and why do outsiders keep referring to him? I mean… I know there's some kind of joke relating to Byakuren going around about it, but I don't get it.

"What's this place?" Marisa immediately romps around the place, ready to make a mess of things. Well, it's already sort of messy, but she's ready to make a bigger mess. "Oo~h, books…!"

Stepping in without comment, Reisen slides up to the control panel to the left and starts playing with it.

"Why were you _here?_ " I'd like to know why and how Brad got here.

"...I just _walked_ here!" He rubbed where I hit him, still. Does he _still_ feel that? "The suit who was running this thing got outta dodge wit' that portal." He pointed to the stranded metal doorframe in the back of the room. "Probably ta the outside…"

So he saw him run off. That was probably his plan to begin with…

Hmm. "Did you find anything out?" He said something about a suit…?

"...Waddaya wanna know?" Despite me beating him up, he's pretty apt to just tell me stuff.

"Who, what, when, where, why." I run him over with too many questions.

...After looking around to collect his thoughts, he responds. "Well, the dude was an outsider, like me, wit' a business suit." He points over at the control panel Reisen's playing with. "He brought Hieda no Aya's _Gensokyo Chronicle_ wit 'em and _left it here_ like an _irresponsible person_."

...How do _you_ know what it is? Oh well.

He's right. Looking over and picking it up, I glance the book itself over. This is… really old.

...Let's check up on what Marisa's doing.

All the books are gone. She's standing in the middle of the room, looking rather pleased with herself.

I think that's enough checking up on Marisa.

"Yo…" Brad's behind me, next to Reisen now. "Those control thingies are for the tank."

"Ah." Indifferent, Reisen nodded. "I was wondering what was the CCTV access."

"...Good question!" He just starts pressing buttons-

" _No-_ stop!" Reisen doesn't like when people just press buttons. She lunges to grab Brad's hand with almost untraceable speed-

 _Fwish_. A screen flares to life on the wall next to them.

...It shows a room with a _lot_ of angry fairies, shooting things everywhere. It's almost impossible to make out, but they lull for a few moments and you can see just a _mess_ of them. Where even was this?

"...Ah." Brad's taken aback by it. I don't know why, but he _is_.

While he slips past us, Reisen gazes at the action.

"...We might wanna do something about that." She leaned onto the control panel as she gazed at it.

Yeah, that's going to require a good spell card. What a mess.

... _Crack!_ Huh?

...Looking over at Brad, I see him standing over a tiny, shattered glass box, with a red button beneath it. He broke it with a _plant hanger_.

"I had to press it, yo." He regarded it casually.

If that was a self-destruct button, I swear-

 _Vuu~w._

...A tiny siren went off, and the room turned red.

"Intruders_detected." The facility spoke to us, with a feminine voice.

…

"I thought that was the self-destruct button!" Brad admitted. Oh, so he _did_ plan to screw everything up. Well, we've gotten everything we needed here anyway, I think…

Skeptically, Reisen meandered over to the portal in the back of the room. "In what event would there be a self-destruct button?"

"...For self-destructive purposes!" He clarified. "What if he felt really bad about himself, dude…!?"

"You don't get this far by just feeling bad about yourself." Stepping around the device, she looked it over carefully. "...I'm not sure how this thing works."

"Should we spli~t?" Walking up to the window, Marisa readied her broom. "Unless we could use that portal fer somethin'..."

"Probably _not_." Reisen figured. "We should just level the place and hope he doesn't try again. This wasn't really threatening… and hopefully the fairies will return to normal later."

...Brad repeatedly taps the red panic button with his plant hanger again in an attempt to make the facility level itself.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Please actually _be_ a self-destruct button, yo~! I don't think we can level a factory otherwise!

...After I stop an' look around, I see Reisen giving me a smile. "Don't worry, I can call in a short-range blast cleaner, and this place'll be set."

"Aw, good." Stomping a leg onto the console, Marisa prepared to bash the window in…! "Call it in, and we're gonna get outta here!" Hey hey, yo. Going 'aw, good' is my overused mannerism!

 _Cra~ck!_ The window fell apart after she winded up a good _whack_ wit 'er broom.

Stepping back-

 _Vhi- vhi- vhii~r._ She trimmed the rest of the glass with a red, thin beam from the mini-hakkero. "There we go!"

 _Beep- beep!_ Reisen flicked a really old cellphone open! "He~y. Can you get my coordinates…? Yeah. Short-detonation blast cleaner. U~m, seige. Thank you!"

 _Click!_ She flipped the phone shut.

"Wha's a cleaner…?" I feel compelled to ask!

"Oh. It's a nuke, basically." That sounds- um. _Oh._ "More like a missile, really." Yeah, was gonna say, Gensokyo's a _little small_ to be nuking coordinates, son…!

"Everyone on the pain tra~in!" Pattin' the back of her broom, Marisa expects us all to get on wit 'er!

Reimu hops on first, getting behind her friend. Ooo, I wanna hug Reimu, yo…!

"I'll fly _with_ you guys…" Reisen clicks her boots together Inspector Gadget style-

 _Fwoom_. A small surge of flame came out from them.

"Yeah, suit 'cherself, Reisen." Marisa waved 'er off.

Aw, dude! I get to snuggle the Reimu-

"Touch anywhere but my waist, and I'll have to bury you out back." ...Well. _Close proximity_ to her is good enough, I guess…!

You know, if she never has funds for food- I assume- how does she _smell nice?_ Hrrm. Immersion broke, son! What is this web of lies I've sauntered into!?

Positioned on the broom, I see Marisa begin to pass her mini-hakkero back. "One 'a you asses put it on my tail end. There's a slot- Brad, if you fuck it up, I'm gonna _hurt ya_." Aaa~h!

Reimu passes the mini-hakkero to me, and I awkwardly move to place it in the slot…!

 _Click!_ Managed to not fuck it up! I hope. That's- that's how ya put it in right? What if it-

"Seems good!" Shifting her posture, Marisa brings her legs up, prompting Reimu to do the same. And, by extension, me…!

" _Comet!_ " Marisa's castin' a spell card! " _Blazing Sta~r!_ " Ooh. No Master Spark from behi-

 _VRRRRRRRR~!_

 _Oh my go~d!_

Holy shit we're gonna-

-not crash, Marisa dipped down at the _only possible_ fucking moment-

 _RRRRRrrr…_

Our bodies only barely avoid getting smashed off by the freakin' rafters as we dip into the room. Well, that was earlier; now we've passed the doused fire gate, and are now under the first room's rafters, moving for the front door…

It's still closed! Freakin'-

 _Boom!_ Magical explosion right next to us! Ouch…!

Using the blast to pivot us around-

 _VRRRRRRRR~!_

Marisa propels us back towards the other side of the factory, the new spark blaring behind us-

 _CRAA~NG!_ That took out the big door in front…!

Roaring forward, we slowly ascend, making past the doused flames of the gate once more as we accelerate into the other half of the factory-

RRRRRrrrr~... The spark starts to die out again, as we near the back wall-

 _Boom!_ Fucking- ow. Marisa pivots us around with another magical canteen blast…

 _VRRRRRRR~!_

Holy shi~t!

Stars of blue, yellow and red whirl past us, having flooded the entire factory as we've been zigzagging back and forth…

Within a moment, my hair flailing wildly and face assaulted by Reimu's brown locks, we roar ahead through the whipping wind resistance of the factory-

 _Fwoom!_ We shoot out of the front door, making a noise as we do so…!

RRRRrrrr~... Once again, the spark dies down. We are… outside now! Trees incoming!

Now for Marisa to slow down and let us off-

"Al~right…!" Marisa steeled herself! "Brace fer impact! I'm gettin' us through these woods!"

Fucking- what!? I'm not made of steel! You better not-

 _VRRRRRRR~!_

Aaaa~h! Branches, leaves, and _tree trunks oh my-_

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

 _Bam- boom- bam!_

Fuck- aagh- shit…!

 _Th- thu- thud…_

Ow~...

…

We- well…

We… I think we crashed. Probably. Almost certainly.

Good news is, we _are_ out of the-

 **BOOO~M!**

What in _holy oni balls_ was that. My _ears!_

I look in the direction of the factory.

...A cloud of fire rose into the air, a tremendous, column-based blast consuming the entire structure that was past the trees. I can see freakin'... metal fragments, broken weapons, and all kindsa shit falling from above.

That may not be an actual full-fledged nuke but that's some freakin'... Reisen can just _do that_. That's a _thing_ she can _do._ Bad firefight? Ohp- lemme just, beep boop boop, see ya bitch! Holy _shit._

Reisen went _Duke Nukem_ on that place.

...Well, anyway. We got outta the woods! Bad news, I rolled around and my things hurt. Pretty badly, actua-

 _Di- di~ng!_ Someone's just casted a potion on me-

Ooh!

Reisen pats me on the back, having pulled me onto my feet. "Are you okay?"

Ow- ow. Well, _now_ I am. Potions take a moment to do their stuff, apparently! "Ye, yo…"

Reimu seems to have been spared the brunt of the crash, dusting herself off and stealing a stare at the _unholy scorching annihilation_ that was unleashed.

"I~ am okay…!" Having fared similarly ta me, Marisa stumbles out from around a nearby tree. "Just had ta potion up…! Didn't end up wit 'a branch through the gut this time!"

A branch through the gut, huh. Freakin'...

…

Reimu softly, soundlessly falls over onto the grass. "Not sure if we even accomplished anythi~ng…"

"Hey, hey…!" Gingerly bounding up to her friend, Marisa kneeled next to her. "Live, ze!" Reaching into her hat, she took out an _already wet_ loofa sponge, and held it over Reimu's face-

"He- hey- wait-" Reimu held her hands up-

 _Splat_. Marisa just _plopped_ it on her.

"Pft- ack…!" Reimu swatted it off! But it was too late, yo! She had a _wet face!_ "Marisa~!"

"I think she's alive, ze!" Stepping back, Marisa prepared to defend herself!

...Man. I give the freakin'... smouldering black remains of the _nuke grounds_ a stare again. If _that's_ not an attention grabber, I dunno what is.

Snap!

Oh…?

Freezing, all the girls begin whipping their heads around-

"Ayayaya~!" Oh, boy. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything!"

Aya Shameimaru, the bird tengu of _fake news_ floats down, grinning at the girls. "Local witch wets Shrine Maiden's face! Could there be drama between the two friends!?"

"I think we found our turkey." Immediately, Marisa gave the reporter an _intent_ stare…!

...I know _exactly_ what to do!

Drawing my 3DS from my _sack_ , I flip it open and start opening the photo program thing…!

"Word down the street is you've got another outsider wit'cha, for an incident this time!" With a _smarmy expression_ -

Aya is in front of me, head between me and my 3DS. "What'cha doin'?" She smiles into my face…!

"Yo…!" She's fast as fuck, boy! Um, let's frazzle her! "You're really cute!"

"Thank you~!" She gives me a wink. "Flattery ain't gonna save you from an interview, though!" Shit!

Now a good distance away from all of us-

 _Woosh!_ -as Reimu's gohei passes my face in an attempt to poke Aya's brains out-

 _Snap!_ The tengu snaps another pic of us! "Reimu goes out of her way to get physical with outsider! Could there be tension between her and Yuugenmagan!?" Who!?

"Why~." Reimu looks tempted to assault her further…!

I will stop this nonsense, dude!

Reaching into my bag of tricks, I draw my H2O hanger!

"Here I co~me!" I announce my presence, as I charge past Reimu, moving towards Aya…!

 _Woosh!_ I swing at her, and she easily, effortlessly tips out of the way-

 _Splash!_ The constant water leak gets her shirt wet! "Eeh!?" Looking down, she notices her cloth begin to grow see-through-

 _Snap!_ I take a picture with my 3DS! "Haha~!" I wish this thing didn't make a shutter sound!

...She blinks at me. "Whah? Did you just-"

"Aya Shameimarumarumaru exposed, dude!" I wave the 3DS about! "...Yer an exhibitionist!"

In the next moment, she's got an arm around me, looking over my shoulder at the 3DS. "Ooo~, lemme see! How'd I look!?" Daa~h…!

Aya being close to me is not good for my hormones, for some reason. Quick, distract her with the photo thing…!

Ah, there we go. Aya looking like a deer in the headlights, her shirt just barely turning see-through.

"I _like_ that expression!" She critiques my journalistic skill herself! "You shoulda waited for my shirt to get wetter, though. Heck…"

Stepping before me-

 _Woosh!_ -and nimbly evading a swipe from Reimu on the way-

Her shirt lands on my face. Holy shit…!

Brushing the perfumy garment off-

"Snap a good o~ne!" Aya brings her arms behind her head, jutting her modest chest out-

 _FWOA~M!_ Woa~h…!

Reisen fired a _hyper beam_ from her sniper rifle, blowing Aya off into the distance, her body twirling away…

"Pfft- hahaha~!" Marisa liked that one…!

...Aya appears before us again, her shirt on again. Wha- how. "That was _rude_ …" Her hair is _slightly frazzled_ , although electric-like energy is bouncing across her form.

Well, anyway-

 _Snap!_ She snaps a picture of just _me_. "Hi!" Yeah, hi.

"Yo…" I point at her! "You don't share that photo, and I don't share your photo!"

"You can share my photo everywhe~re." Aya gives no fucks about embarrassing photos of herself. "All publicity's good publicity!" You're _fake news!_ Well, I guess blackmail's her _game_. It wouldn't make sense if she was affected by it…!

"No, it's not." Reimu would rather not, yo! "You're not interviewing him."

"I am!" Aya smiles.

"You're not." Reimu protests.

"I am!" She's still smiling.

"You're not." Adjusting her clothing, Reimu gets ready to approach-

"I am!" Aya's still smiling…!

"Okay, fine." What. Reimu, no. "But you won't be able to interview us about the incident."

"Yeah, whatever!" Zooming up to me, Aya invades my personal space! "Hey, buddy!"

"...Hi, friend." I'm slightly receptive!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: HALFWAY THROUGH SON ====

We began a trek towards the Scarlet Devil Mansion to drop me off! It's not _too_ far from here, since the lake is in sight. We're on like, a plain next to it now…

Oh, right. These revised chapters are pretty long! Pro tip for those who don't already know: if you press control and F on your keyboard, you can search for specific words, phrases… strings of characters!

"So!" Aya's on the other side of me now, for some reason, as we continue towards the lake through the sometimes tall grass… "Where're you from!?"

"Home." I give her a warm smile…

...At that, she just gives me a flat _stare_ with a still smile on her face.

Only Reimu is near us, with Marisa and Reisen a little farther ahead, instruments out as they scanned the sky for fairies…

" _Where_ is home?" Aya tries to get more specific!

"Home." I'm not wrong, son. I give 'er a grin, too!

"...Cool, thanks." Scribbling something down on her notepad, her expression becomes a lot more sardonic!

"He's an outsider." Reimu amends helpfully!

"Yeah, and I'm a tengu." Aya gives a dry rebuke. "Thanks, obvious maiden."

...As we press forward, she turns to me after scribbling stuff down. "So~! Do you have anything to defend yourself with? Going on incidents without a weapon or _something_ would be, well, stupid."

Aw, dude!

Reaching into my bag, I draw my plant hanger of destiny! "This is my weapon!" There are many like it… but they are not weapons! This, however… is a weapon _in spirit_ , dude…

...Aya just has her _mouth open_. She's clearly awed by my superior armament, yo!

"...Do you… use it as, like, a focus?" She tries to understand my logic…

Nope. I shake my head. "Nah, yo. I _hit people_ wit' it!"

...She scribbles that down. "Oka~y. Is that your _only_ weapon…?"

Ye- wait.

Putting away the hanger of doom, I slowly, partially slide out the H2O hanger…

"Dude…" Hobbling closer to her, I look down at it, and _whisper..._ "There's also this one, but…" Lookin' around, I try to make the leakage obvious and nod at her. "It _leaks_ , dude."

"It… leaks." Aya observes plainly. " _How_ does metal _leak?_ " She's writin' this all down as she speaks!

"What- no, dude!" Taking it out fully, I deflate… "I whispered fer a _reason!_ Now everyone knows, and my hanger'll never get a job in hanging plants! I'm sorry, dude…" I start petting the top of it apologetically…

"Wh-... oh." She's just got her eyebrows raised! "Um. Sorry. I, ah..."

"Now you've ushered forth the magenta apocalypse." I shake my head at her, frowning. "Now we're all gonna _die_."

…

"This interview's not helping at all!" She calls me out on my bullshit! "If you're not gonna answer truthfully, I'm just gonna make stuff up!"

"Sure." You just said that in front 'a Reimu, so even if it's something really bad, I can camp out in her shrine for the rest of my life. I'd hope.

...Stomping as she paces next to me, she pulls up her notepad again! "Guess I'll just _wait on that_ , a little. Oh, yeah- you live in here anywhere, or what?"

"At the Scarlet Devil Mansion." I point at it! "It's Scarlet, a devil, and a mansion."

"...Oo~h." She's fine with this info! "And you're not dead yet? Huh…!" You better just be sayin' that…!

It's also not helping how Reimu doesn't have anything to say about that!

"You do any chores?" Aya makes eye contact with me…! Must gaze into her soul!

"All of them." I decide. "Every chore. It's a chore, man- I'm the _chore_ _man!_ I'm such a _chore_ , man…" With this moment, I shall illustrate my madness…!

"So nothing." She half-smiles, nodding. "Sla~cker."

"You're right, dude." I let myself slouch. "I took their generosity, and I-..." Ah, shit. Running out of material…!

...Looking over at me, Aya furrows her brows. "And what? Wasted it? Failed to return it?"

"Ohp- hold up…" Raising a hand, I request she waits patiently as we near the lake…

" _Eye see yo~u!_ " Oh, he~y! It'sa Cirno! "Ya~ pieces a _shit!_ " Oo~h! That's... more graphic than anticipated!

"...Guess stopping that factory didn't end it, then." Reimu sighed, giving the ice fairy a dour stare as it approached the two girls ahead. Oh, so she doesn't normally swear...

"Yep." Giving Aya another smile, I just nod. "My brain stopped."

"Nn~gh…" She frowns at the fairy ahead. "This fairy incident isn't even _news_. It just _happened!_ "

"Haha~!" Cirno thinks heroines funny, like strong fairy! "Eye'm gonna rip yer-"

" _Fairy Destruction Ra~y!_ " Marisa postures herself in the air, standing up on 'er broom!

 _Bwo~mp_. A big, grey orb floats out and into existence from behind her-

 _Fwa- fwa- fwa- fwa- fwam!_ Tiny, red star particles roar out in a fixed, predictable spread-

"Woah- ha~h, hey hey hey…!" Cirno began flapping her arms, trying to navigate it…!

Aiming her mini-hakkero up for a good moment-

Vrrrrr~ _VROOO~_...

A huge light, not dissimilar from a flashlight or spotlight, blared out at the ice fairy over the lake ahead…

 _Bwo- bwomp!_ Two more grey orbs faded in from outta nowhere-

" _Aaaa~h!_ " Cirno's yelling!

 _Pi~chun!_ ...That destroyed her nearly instantly!

OOOooo~...

The flashlight spark ended, the danmaku all dissipating. "Aw. She normally lives a little longer than that…" Marisa shifts her hat a little.

…

"So where'd you even find a hanger that _leaks?_ " Aya's completely indifferent to the massive light spectacle, looking me over again.

"I bought it off a ragamuffin." I wanna nuzzle one, dude. They're like, _tiny people_.

"A ragamuffin, huh…" Raising a brow, Aya seems tempted to challenge my cryptic- "One of those dust critters, right? The soft ones." Oh, she knows, I think.

"Wit' the little _shell noses_?" I tickle my nose…!

"Yea~h." She nods! "They tried to sell me _leaves_. Like, tengu-grade. Like mine." She draws an autumn-y looking leaf.

Then, she does a casual twirl-

 _Woo~sh!_ A tornado equal to her size forms, and spins outwards before dissipating into wind!

"It was weird." With that, she pockets the leaf. Did she just cast a tornado for _no reason?_

"They were selling _yin-yang orbs_ for me." Reimu joined the conversation, closing in on us… "They felt _too_ familiar. It was eerie."

"Seriously?" Aya looked over at her with vague surprise!

We have reached… the lakeside!

Turning towards the mansion and continuing, we kept _communimacating_. "They had mini-hakkeros, too." Reimu provided.

"I need to get them to say _something_ …" Aya puts on a focused face…! "They're an incident waiting to happen, I know it!"

"...I hope you're not right." Reimu wasn't in the mood for more incidents!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We have reached… the manor!

Meiling's having a sunny day, dude. By that, I mean she's sleeping, leaning against the wall. Sawing logs, yo…

However, there is a new fixture! To the left of the gate- our left, as Meiling was on the right _snoozin'_ \- there was another one of them… _fluff stands_ , dude.

Wooden stand, identical to the last one! And, behind it, was a _tiny person_.

The fluffle turned to us with its eternally absent expression, its smile and eyes freakin' decals. On the upside, it has these really cute freckles, so I want to nuzzle it and die with it. Aw…

"Speak of the devil…" Reimu takes note of the little stand!

Fluffy faced friend. "hi friends" It let out a verbose exclamation.

 _Snap!_ Aya photographed it, for _safekeeping_. "Huh." It allows her to keep safes, dude.

"im friendly" The fluffle informs us of critical information.

"Yo!" Stepping ahead of us, Marisa places a hand on the counter! "Show me ya shit, ze!"

"this ones a creature feature" Oh. Aw, du~de!

It spread some stuff out on the counter…

Two mini-hakkeros, side by side! One pastel-blue ice one, and the other's a red metal octagon, a pad of glowing red light in its midst.

...Marisa tilted her head at this. "See? Spooky shit, ze."

"Plant hangers!" I request wares _I_ can use!

The fluffle sweeps its fin across one one-hundredth of the counter-

This somehow discards the mini-hakkeros, a red, crimson metal hanger on the counter now.

...Red, huh. "What is it?" I'd like to know! It might be worth a _buy_ , dude. If I had money. Maybe I can freakin' hustle Aya.

"Flamehanger!" The fluffle named the instrument. "boosts the power of fire skills! attempts to ignite objects on impact!" ...Oh. That's it, huh. Well, fire elemental physical attacks is probably better than freakin' _water_.

"How much, yo?" I plan to buy!

"six thousand yen" It makes a _request_ dude.

...I look at my friends for help.

"Nope." Marisa gives me a smug smile. "Everybody gets one." Oh. So I already used it, then! "Not bleedin' _me_ dry."

...I eye Reimu. "I'm broke." Yeah, thought as much…!

Aya~...!?

As I look 'er over, she smiles at me. "If you answer some questions about the outside _for real_ , sure."

"Deal, yo!" If it means getting a key item, it must be essential! That, and I wouldn't mind telling her how crappy the outside is, I guess. It's almost a satire of itself, really, so I don't even have to try to joke about it to make it funny.

After digging through her pocket, she places the money on the counter! "He~re ya go!"

"insert undertale temmie reference" The fluffle scooped the money away to parts unknown. He~y, look buddy. At the time I made this original chapter, Undertale did _not_ exist! And- considering my age when entering Gensokyo, Undertale'd not come out for another year or so!

...Man, that's gonna make the next time the _universe_ references it awkward.

"Yeah, yeah, cool leg money, very funny." I take the fire hanger from it and freakin'... wave it at it!

"Me next." Reimu just freakin' displaces me as she centers herself before the fluffle. Lemme just put away this new _Flamehanger_ while I'm here. Freakin'... fire, yo.

Actually, you know what? It's a _damn good thing_ I got water first. If I ignite myself, I can put myself out now! Fridge _brilliance!_

The fluffle splays some stuff out on the counter, again.

"here" ...For a moment, the fluffle stares off into the distance, before focusing on Reimu. "fun"

"Fun." Echoing it, Reimu looked the orb bags over.

One was a bag of red and purple yin-yangs, the bag itself a garish purple.

The next bag was neon red, and instead of yin-yangs, the orbs were just marbles with fire decals printed onto them. Aw. Great balls 'a _fire._ I know I'd want to get hit by Reimu's firey balls, son.

...Pointing at the fire marbles, Reimu tilts her head. "What."

"forty five thousand yen" It prices it pretty steeply…! "Volcanic Marbles. boosts the power of fire skills. allows the user to cast Meteor Shower! changes the effects of Fantasy Heaven to unleash the weapon's true potential. deals fire elemental damage and ignites on impact."

" _How_ do you know about Fantasy Heaven?" Reimu is now very suspicious of it! "What _are_ you?"

"tiny" It gives the only valid explanation. "im you now"

"No." Reimu furrows her brows at it…!

"How, um…" Aya tries to _interromagate_ it! "How do you get these things?"

"i made them" It looks proud of itself! Aw, dude…!

"No. You didn't…!" Aya is very skeptical about this! "I know so!"

"friend no" Its smile falls, and the mouth decal becomes obscured somehow, making it look like it just has freckles, a shell nose and some _decal eyes_.

…

Propping her arms on her hips, Aya issues it a challenge. "Prove it. Prove you 'made them'."

...Reaching under the desk-

-but not too far apparently, as it didn't even need to bend over to retrieve a flat… _thing_ of grey _material_. Wait, hold up…

Walking around the stand… I see the fluffle standing on a tubby stool. In terms of actual height, a fluffle's like… tall enough to headbutt someone's calves. Ma~n. That's _tubby_ , dude. The stool itself adds like _three feet_ to it, so it can be half over the counter like a normal being.

Using its fins-

 _Pop- pop- crack- pop_. The grey plaque it took out popped awkwardly as its formless fins pressed against it repeatedly-

Cla- cla- clack. Grey marbles rolled against the wooden counter, the fluffle having turned the plaque bits into freakin' yin-yang ball templates.

...Reaching out, Reimu takes one-

She actually maximizes it, making a big, undetailed grey ball.

"Wha- what…" Her eyes widen, and she stumbles back-

 _Crack!_ ...The orb falls down, and embeds itself in the counter.

...Thunk! This debalances the rest of the counter, and it tips over.

...The fluffle just drops its stuff. "you killed it"

"And that's good." Reimu does not like fluffles, son.

...Bending down, she picks up that garrish purple bag. "These, what're they."

"Bloodbath Yin-yang Orbs." Well, that's a name! The fluff continues, dude… "allows collection of blood in orbs to boost physical attack power up to seventy percent; stacks with other universal physical attack buffs, but not over seventy percent ever. inflicts immense bleeding on impact. non-elemental orbs. fifteen thousand yen!"

...Reimu tilts her head. "Maybe later." Ooo~.

Then, the orbs, the one that crushed the desk, all the miscellaneous debris just vanish. Oh, okay. Desk's still broke, though!

 _Crea~k_. The gate to the mansion whines as it slowly reels open…

Sakuya's out here now, dude. Meiling's on the floor wit' a knife to her head…!

"Hello, everyone." Sakuya greets us casually. "And the tengu."

"Hey, now." Aya slowly raises her camera… "Mistress of Scarlet Devil Mansion housing boy! Could the devil have a heart after-"

...Realizing she was now holding a piece of metal instead of her camera, Aya tossed it aside! "He- hey, I was joking-"

Sakuya hurled the camera back at her from behind her back-

Aya caught it so fast that the wind from her movements almost pushed me back…! "Phew. Your time stuff's _cheating_ , y'know."

…

Sakuya is now leaning before the fluffle. "And this is?"

"patrick" The fluffle gives the _good_ answer.

"Hello, Patrick." Touhou and Spongebob crossover when? Sakuya speaks down to the fluffy being… "What is this operation?"

"patrick" The operation is also apparently Patrick.

...Sakuya doesn't know where to take it from there. Woah no.

"Just ask it fer wares…" Marisa drops her a hint. "It sells stuff."

"Really, now…" Standing upright, Sakuya's stare became more examining. "What do you _sell?_ "

Spreading its fins out on the table, the fluffle creates some spreads of knives!

...Reaching a hand out, she lifted a neon red and crimson hilted knife, before tossing it up and down, twirling it at the same time. "How. This weight…"

Focusing on the nugget again-

Sakuya suddenly had the blade to its throat. "Where did you learn these materials and measurements?"

The fluffle's shell nose folded open, revealing dust inside.

...Aw. It's surprised, dude.

"honh honh honh" It's emitting fluffy coos.

...I just realized Reisen's still here, just kinda _watching_. Hoh…

"Alright…" With a parasol floating over herself, Remilia steps outside! "Last time I'd checked, I hadn't approved of a manor gate solicitor party. Sakuya, what is all of this?"

"There's a dust devil out here." Sakuya reveals! "It sells curious wares."

"Curious wares." ...Considering this, Remilia gazed at the tiny thing. "Well, let me see, then."

In response to her, it begins to splay-... What, are those _gungnirs?_

...Remilia's response is to raise her eyebrows! "Ah. These…"

Reaching forward, she grabs onto a blue shaft, a sharp and dangerous lookin' steel tip at the end, two edges of it stretching out a foot or two from the shaft itself.

"Gjoll." The fluffle named it, I think. Or it sneezed! "four hundred fifty five thousand yen! boosts the power of water elemental skills. increases water resistance by fifty percent. adds water element to non-elemental magic. replaces limit break with Tsunami!"

...Blinking, Remilia reeled her arm back-

 _Fwa- fwa- fwazap!_ Blue, electricity-esque energy began to run along the spear as it glowed white and blue!

 _SHI~NG!_

 _Boom!_ The soil beneath her cracked as she lunged Gjoll into the unknown-

 _Boom- FWUU~SH!_ The tree it struck exploded into a shockwave of water, glittery, clear particles rending the trunk into many little tiny pieces.

...A few moments later, a rainbow formed! Holy shit…!

When we looked back at the fluffle stand, Gjoll was there on the desk again. Yeah, okay.

...Remilia turned to her maid. "I suppose we'll purchase some things. Although..."

Taking the spear again, she sneered at the fluffle. "Why shouldn't we simply take it?"

"friend no" The fluffle's smile became obscured again. "the fluff market crashed" What, no. The _fluff market_ , dude...

"I don't think we should just _steal_." Reimu protests thievery! "Even if this thing is… weird."

At that, the vampire simply huffs. "Oh, alright. I suppose I'll humor it, for now. Sakuya~. Enough for those orbs for Reimu, that spear, and..." She blinks. "Dust thing, what price was the knives?"

The fluffle had the knives out, holding up three with one fin _somehow_. "Crimson Jazz daggers! fifteen thousand yen. boosts the power of fire skills. ignites on impact! adds fire element to non-elemental danmaku."

Loli vampire nods! "There we are."

Sakuya immediately has a big bag of money! "Very well."

"He- hey…" Reimu waved her gohei idly. "I never said I'd take a favor, you know."

"Consider it a gift." Remilia waved her off. "For my favorite shrine maiden."

...Then, she turned to Aya, who was scribbling! "If you publicize anything at any time, I will test my new toy on you."

Aya wiggled her eyebrows at her. "Oo~h, your new toy, huh? Is it _him?_ " She points at me…!

...Remilia starts to glare at her! "There's no right answer with you. Just- shoo." She starts to wave at 'er.

Still scribbling intently, Aya wiggles a little as she leans into her notebook-

 _Shink!_ A silver knife's stuck in it now!

"Hua~h!?" Aya gasps!

"My mistress does not want you around." Sakuya's ready to dish out the pain, yo…!

...Pouting, Aya discarded the knife and slid her notepad away. "Oh, we~ll. I've already got every~thing I need!"

"Good. If you stay around any longer, I'd be forced to confiscate your head next, which I'm sure you wouldn't be able to live without." Sakuya glowers at the tengu…!

"I'd find a way." Closing her eyes-

Aya was gone-

 _Fwish!_ A web of knives collapsed in on where she was, fizzling out in a tiny fireworks show after missing.

"Blasted conniving…" Remilia wasn't pleased with the bird lady.

...She awkwardly twirls her new spear around! "Hrm."

Stepping up to the vampire, Reimu pocketed her new bag of yin-yang orbs. "Before we run off…"

She looks between me and Remilia. "Now that I know he exists, if you get him killed, I'm gonna beat you up."

...Smiling, Remilia stares up at her. "Oh? Why do you care?"

"He's a human. Stupid, but not bad." Reimu gives a stern nod. "Keep it in mind."

"If I must." Waving her off, Remilia looks over at me. "You hear that, boy? Don't _die_." Why's it suddenly my duty…!?

With that, Reimu turns around-

-only for Marisa to float past her, towards the mansion. "Let's steal their food, ze."

...Pivoting around, Reimu progresses towards the mansion. "Hey- thanks for letting me stay. You don't mind right? Take care of me~."

Reisen just _follows 'em in_ , taking the initiative herself. Sakuya begins to trail after them, after a moment.

...Remilia's brow twitches! "Yes, well. Not… a problem."

…

Once they've all gone ahead of us, Remilia looks over at me! "Can you believe their nerve?"

"Yes." I understand, my man. "It's a very realistic and believable reaction to the options presented, friend."

...With that, she begins to drift ahead! "Hrm hrm." Oh- woah! Her bat flies from my shoulder, leaving me alone! "About as reasonable as retracting my intention to escort you to the dining hall. Enjoy wandering the halls." Oh, boy!

…

I glance at the fluffle stand-

 _Froo~m!_ It softly roars into the night sky-

 _Crack- Boom!_ ...The awkward shape it took caused it to immediately flip right over and explode on the ground. Oh, okay…!

"Nn~h…" Slowly, Meiling began to rouse, rubbing her forehead. "...Ah."

 _Shink!_ She plucked the knife out, and smacked her lips. "Good… haau~. Good nap…" Aw. Friend…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Hall~ways! Wa~lkways!

Yeah, I should probably have begged Remilia to help me help her or something along those lines, but y'know, whatever. Gotta get the hang of these halls eventually! I hope…!

The scarlet halls are alive with friendly fairies, who just kinda stand around and look cute. Aw…

 _Cla- clang!_ I tense at the sound 'a some curtains falling down to my left!

"Aaa~h…!" A brown-haired fairy whines, smooshed under the tiny curtain rods. "No~..."

When they're not standing around, they're doing fluffy things! Y'know… I feel like, of the biomes I _could've_ started in, the mansion's a surprisingly relaxed one. Although, I would like to know why-

" _Slave!_ " ...Why the fairies are now chill, was what I was gonna say. And then there's _these_ girls…!

Komi, the black-haired fairy maid marches out before me, her friends at her sides again. "...You're all alone, now."

Well, kind of. Daa~h…

Reachin' into my bag, I draw my operating cross…! Channeling mana into it-

London appears!

Pointing the cross at the nearby wall, I tap it a bunch. Dunno how to issue commands, so I'm just gonna hope London knows what's good!

...In response, the doll drifts over to the left of the hall.

"Hehehe~!" Koi giggles at it. "Y'know, when it's not shootin' us, that doll's kinda cute!"

...Namori brings a hand to her chest and looks _tiny_ , barely peeking out from around Komi.

"Quiet, you." Komi uses a hand to stay her companion. "...Why don't you desire us?" She's actually tryin'a _talk_ to me son, holy shit! "Are you retarded?" Son.

"Yes." I nod. "Actually. You guys don't seem to have the most _freedom_ in mind, for me…!" Which is kinda ironic. Like, they're fairies, and fairies, nature…

Maybe it's these halls, or the incident. Hrmm.

"Because you needn't any." Komi argues, expression strict and even! "You're my _pet_."

"This is yet to be decided!" Dude, I'm pettable.

...Smiling, she narrows her eyes. "We'll make you shatter. Koi, Namori..."

Koi leans forward, jiggling her chest. "I love yo~u."

"Pl- please…" Namori twiddles her thumbs. "...I- I can't take this."

Sliding away the operating cross- as London can just do whatever- I take out the H2O Hanger, and my new Flamehanger. "I have _new weapons!_ "

"That's great." Smile widening, Komi runs a hand through her hair. " _Sadistic Sign…!_ " Wait- the fuck you _mean_ she has spells…!?

"Dominatrix's Widow Maker!" Extending her arms, she drifts into the air-

 _Fwa- fwa- fwam!_ Black orbs form a rotating, atom-esque shell around her-

 _Fwa- fwa- fwa- fwa- fwam!_ These orbs form around Koi and Namori, too. They're big and sorta slow moving, but they seem to eat the light around them…!

 _Patatatat!_ As Koi and Namori near, London begins unloading from its stationary position to the back 'a me!

Strafing it, Koi moves to deal with her. "Let's pla~y, dolly!"

Namori adopts a stationary spot like, mirrored to my doll sentry. Freakin'...!

Drifting forward with her arms outstretched, Komi continues towards me.

So far, this looks pretty simple! Just, like, move through the dark crap and hit her. Alright, let's-

 _Fwoom_. Two pitch black clones of the fairy maid split from her form, landing and walking towards me. Well, shit. Nevermind, maybe this ain't so simple-

 _Fwaa~m!_ An explosion-like blast of danmaku from Koi sends London rolling down the hall! "Hehehe~! I'm a _bombshell,_ baby!" Well-

 _Chiu~m!_ Holy _shit_ that was freakin'... I lean outta the way of an obnoxiously loud blue laser Namori aimed at me-

 _Woosh!_ Sliding up to me, my right arm was immediately grappled by one of the shadow clones! Woah, shit shit-

 _Splash_. I swing the water hanger in my free arm at the next one as it whirls up to me-

 _Fwi~sh_. The clone instantly dissipates into shadows and magic once the water hits it. Oh. So they're not very _good_ clones…

Ou- ouch- fuck! Danmaku ring- is hitting me…!

Hobbling out of the way with the clone stuck to me-

 _Fwish_. I dissipate it with a clumsy jab of the H2O Hanger, and freakin'...!

Alright, I can't get close to Komi right now. She's already got more clones _slowly advancing_ towards me. Maybe-

 _Chiu~m!_ -I can beat up this freakin' blue fairy who keeps shooting blue crap at me!

 _Boom- clank- clatter- clank!_ That sounds like London just completely eating shit…! "Hehahaha~!" Koi giggles merrily in the background…

Running up to Namori-

 _Chiu~m!_ Holy _shit_ that laser was close! Freakin', point blank cheapo shenanigans…

Weaving through the slow black shell around her-

 _Woosh_. She lethargically throws a hand at me to batter me! "Enh…!"

Slowly, I bring the Flamehanger back-

 _Thunk!_ It clips 'er in the gut!

 _Fwoom!_ Her dress is on fire! "Wa- aah…" She… doesn't look particularly excited, actually. S'kinda-

 _Splash_. A flow of water generates above her form, putting it out and wetting her.

...So what you mean to tell me is I've got _no weapons_ to cheese her with right now. What the fuaa~!

Why're Komi's shadow clones over here!?

 _Fwish!_ A swipe of the Flamehanger annihilates one-

One of them shoves their featureless face into my not-so featureless face. What the-

 _Fwish_. After dispelling this one… my vision is like a _degree_ darker. Help.

 _Chiu~m!_

 _Fuua~ck!_

Lasers fucking _hurt!_ Aagh- damn! Wow! Namori~, she hit me with a _gut lase~r…!_

 _Thunk!_ I hit Namori back with the water hanger as she nears-

"Anh…" She recoils, but less than _any other_ time I've hit her.

...An orange orb drifts into our shell of freakin' pain-

 _Fwoam!_ And it enlarges, 'exploding'. Expanding piece of _shit_ -

Ho- holy crap, I fell out of the way of that one. Alright- bail, bail! Get me the hell outta-

 _Fwam_. One of tha' _shellular_ black orbs hits me on the way out. God, fucking…

 _Splash!_ I swing my hanger behind me-

 _Fwi- fwish_. Shadow thots, begone! That is… _another_ meme I shouldn't know at this point in my life. Freakin'- now's not the time for pedantics…!

"Come ba~ck!" Koi flies after me as I book it!

" _Go forth!_ " Komi hugs herself, then unleashes her arms again-

The black orbs of all the _electron shells_ around the girls all scatter, before flying in my vague direction…!

 _Fwa- fwam_. Oh my god, I'm already running ragged from all this _danmaku shit_. Ow~... freakin'- I just gotta keep running…! Don't turn back, for now…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

 _Bam!_

Al- alright, I can't… keep _running_. I'm all _ran out._ Jesus…

Pushing open these double doors- 'cause I can fucking _hide behind one of 'em_ , I scramble into the room-

 _Fwoam!_ Another sorta meek orange danmaku bomb goes off behind me, the orb expanding briefly in my wake as I freakin' duck and cover-

 _Thu- thud!_ The two shadow clones thump against the door I've pivoted around…!

...Alright. I think… you know what, no. I _don't_ think! The second I say I've found a cheesing strat is the moment I find out they can clip through walls or shit!

...Crouching down awkwardly behind the door, I wait-

"Come ou~t!" Koi sings as she rounds the door-

 _Thunk!_ Since she flies I have to like, _spring up_ with all my damn strength to jab into her gut-

"Ngh…!" Double jumping, I flail my limbs- this was not a good idea holy crap the air-

Awkwardly freakin' hitting her with my arms, I fall away from her and-

Oof. I land on my _ass_ , but scuttle backwards quickly enough since I kinda guessed I'd eat shit.

"Wa~h…!" Good news: bomb fairy is on fire! "A- ah, Namori-chan!"

"Wha~!?" Namori calls out from outside the room, having not rushed in with her.

Now that I'm not around the door, the shadow clones come back-

 _Splash- fwi- fwish_. Ain't no match for the _water of the holy_ , son…!

Koi flies out of the room, flailing her limbs. "Namori-ch- chan, you stupid- help! _Burning!_ "

…

Well. I've actually got a moment… to exist.

Where the fuck am I. Let's see…

Oh. I'm in the dining room. Hehe~y!

Looking across the room, I see fairies and girls give me jaded or idle stares, consuming their food as they do so. Ah, good. I'm the evening entertainment, it'd seem!

At the very other end of the table, Remilia sits with her head in her propped up arm, looking _tired._

Komi stomps into the room! "Come out come out, sla-"

 _Thunk!_ Flamehanger, to _gut!_

" _Aaa~h!_ " She freakin' flails her limbs-

Thu- thud. We both fall over, because I just kinda _threw myself_ into that one to make it in time…

"Nngh…" Wincing, Komi glares into my face as we lie on the floor. "So- son of a bitch-"

 _Fwoom!_ Oh shit! _Fire!_ Holy _shit-_

 _SPLA~SH_.

...I- I'm soaked as fuck, bo~y…

Patchouli floats overhead, moving for the dining table. Oh, cool…

"Remi~." She calls out to her friend in casual monotone.

...

Eventually, she reached the approximate area of her seat! "For what reason was that bonfire I'd just passed?"

"Don't ask _me_." Remilia grins at her. "...And don't call me _Remi_ before the guests. You know-"

"Okay, _Remi_." Patchy gives no fucks…!

...Ow. I _hurt_...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The sun outside was seen setting from the dining room windows. We all sat at the dining table, and my clothes were kinda-sorta-not really dry.

Maybe I should be using the regular plant hanger while I'm in the mansion. So, you know, I don't irredeemably fuckin' _torch my ass_ , or the mansion's ass.

Sakuya looked at her jagged red knives. "These are surprisingly comfortable to wield…"

...After tossing it up and down a few times-

 _Thunk_. She stabbed one into the table.

 _Fwoom_. It catches the spot it hit on fire.

"...Oops." She looks around for a way to put it out, for a moment!

"Ohp- oo~h… I got it." Getting up _stiffly and awkwardly_ , because danmaku is _not_ good for the soul, I lean my H2O hanger over the fire…

Spla- spla- splash-

Fwi~sh. It went out, dude. I'm a hero.

Y'know, I like how no one's reacting to me getting my shit kicked in. It's the real RPG life, man. I'm walking around within a freakin' tenth of my health bar, and everyone's just like 'hey bro how's the weather'.

...The water keeps flowing further down the table, because it's a pretty consistent water flow! I should maybe not keep it out!

"Wha- for crying out loud…" Reimu raises her plate of pancakes, and scoots away!

"Bloody hell." Remilia watches the water slowly creep across the table towards her. "...Water magic was a _mistake_."

"I apologize, Mistress." Sakuya bowed from her position across the table. "I'd neglected the incendiary nature of the knives."

...After an idle moment, Remilia looks over at me! "Put that _thing_ away…!"

"Sorry, yo…" I slowly retract it. "I can't help it, dude- it's a _medical condition_."

"Yes, yes, I'm sure you have one." ...A grin sliding onto her face, she glances at the three heroines as they gouge on breakfast items, before leveling her gaze at me again. "Say. Do you have any idea where those _things_ came from?"

Do I look like the guy with the answers to _any_ question. That reminds me- Aya never asked me about the outside. She probably _will_ , at some point…!

"Beneath the couch cushions." I give my best guess!

"Probably." She took in a breath, interlocking her fingers… "Did you know they had no pulse?" Oh. Ooo~. "Further, they seem to not even be _alive_. Not in the biological sense."

"...You mean the couch cushions?" If they had pulses, I'd be worried!

"Pfft- aah…" Remilia stops herself from laughing! "...Fu- fufu. I meant the _plush-based termites,_ silly boy."

"I dunno, dude." Marisa scratched her hair, by scratching her _hat_. "If the _fairies_ 're pissin' on 'em, maybe they're not so inanimate anymore!"

"That's not how it works." Sakuya countered in monotone!

...I look down at my _waffles_ that I got. They're pretty good, yo…

"It's a little too early to worry about those things. The- the dust people, not the _couch cushions._ " Reimu speaks up, after a moment of _consumption_. "They're a lot like the kedama and yukkuri, really. They've not been hostile yet, so I don't think we have to worry…"

...Remilia's eyes slowly travel to her wine glass.

"Oh, yeah!" Marisa says the first thing in forever! "Patchy~! You trace what's makin' the fairies crazy yet!?"

"Mmm." Patchy hummed in response. "...That factory you destroyed wasn't it. The actual source only appears in Gensokyo's sunlight and moon, at the times of midnight and noon." That _rhyme,_ yo. "It would seem some sort of device appears above the Hakurei Shrine. Only for a moment, before exiting the barrier."

...Standing up, Marisa looks around a little, before focusing on Patchy again. "So how'd _you_ suddenly learn 'a this? Last time I was here, ya had no leads!"

"It was in the air for a prolonged period of time following the factory's explosion, leading to a wildly unnatural fluctuation in Gensokyo's energy." Patchy gave her cup of orange juice a glance. "Noticing the anomaly, I observed from a distance, and the craft was plainly visible."

"You would've thought I'd feel something appearing through the barrier _every day_." Reimu's brows were furrowed. "Maybe this is more serious than I thought…"

"I'll stop by the shrine at noon tomorrow." Reisen announced, breaking her _vow of silence_ she had goin' on there. "It'd be taxing if we had to keep dealing with the fairies for so long… and annoying."

...Sakuya stared at the girls blankly.

Noticing this, Remilia gazed at her maid in return. "...You may as well join them, Sakuya. This inhibits us _especially_. The last thing we need is an entire _week_ of fairies ripping each other's hair out and pissing everywhere." They what. Where, no. How. Help.

…

Komi's _glarin' at me_ , sitting a few seats down, and soaked! I'm soaked too, yo… well, not as badly as I _was_ , but _oof_.

...Oh, frik. There's that one _cyan-haired maid_. She's just giving me a _stare_ , too. Except, instead of a glare… it's just a stare. She's not touched her food, and she's just… _there_. Geesh.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After some time had passed, it was just me and Remilia!

I'm playing with those little freakin'... cloth bell-end doohickies that were left at all the seats. When people began filing out, I took theirs to make a _masterpiece_ dude.

...Looking up, I see Remilia's still taking in _life_. Aw…

...Returning to my little party favor tower-

The remaining cloth thuds softly against the table, as a fluffle stands from it. Wha- how, how'd you get there. What. No…!

"hi friend" It's speaking in tongues…! "im home" Home…

...Leaning in, I start booping it with my nose. I'm gonna peck its freckles, son…

"Have you any course for tonight?" Oo~h! Remilia~!

...I look over at her. "...Nope!"

My energy… is okay! My legs are okay, yo. Nice and fluffy and pattable.

"I plan to be to bed soon…" Standing up, Remilia- "Hoo~h…" -yawns, actually! "That _explosion_ to the west awoke me."

"...Yeah, I'll have a fun time _sleepin'_ here." Freakin'... "Next time I wake up, I'm gonna drown in fairies…!"

She smirks back at me! "Hm hm. If I'm going to keep you here for entertainment, I may as well use you as such." What.

...I just stare at her as she steps past me! "...What?" She questions my gaze…!

"What'cha mean by that, yo…!?" Use me as such, huh!?

"By what?" Her gaze becomes dry…!

Y'know what, if she doesn't even know… "Nevermind, yo. I'm fluffy."

"I'm well aware." Snapping her gaze ahead again, Remilia smoothly steps towards the dining room's exit. "Come. We're going to go be bored." Oh.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

It is now evening, according to the windows! The sun was setting while we were _consuming_ , and now it is the night.

"Are you grateful?" Remilia gives me a smile. "To be housed as such, even with the _fairy predicament._ You shan't be slain by ravenous youkai within these walls, you know."

Aw, yeah. "As opposed to being dined on by sophisticated youkai!" I counter!

"Fufufu~." I have amused the vampire uberboss! This goes well…! "Indeed."

…

As we continue down the hall-

"You, _boy!_ " Komi rounds a corner!

"Ah…" Um. Remilia, if you make me fight her _again_ , I'm gonna shove fluffles inside your poofy hat.

...Giving me a glance, Remilia stares back at the fairy-

"Step aside, _runt_." Sneering at the vampire, Komi began cracking her knuckles as she approached. "Those bitches were too lazy to follow me here. I'm _sure_ you won't think to resist my charm this time…"

As she gets closer to us, she smiles. "We don't even have to _fight_ , boy. Come with me to my room."

"We're _kind of busy_." Remilia speaks up for us! "You see-"

"Little _bitch_." Komi glares down at her, reeling an arm back! "Did I give you permission-"

" _Aside._ " Remilia's voice suddenly takes on a new sharpness, clear and concise. Powerful.

...Komi steps aside. "Ye- yes, Mistress." Woah.

...Shaking her head, Remilia looks over at me. "Under normal circumstances I'd punish such indignation, but in this state, they fear not even death." ...Then, she smiles! "They are still _mine_ , however. Under my employ, they are mine for eternity."

Oh. Well then. Wait. "...S'this include _me?_ "

"To limited extents, yes." Remilia gives me a dry stare. "You have presided here for a time, and the simple act of doing so renders you subject, especially since we've not had a _formal agreement_ of your terms here."

Huh. "Can you issue orders to _me_ , yo?"

"You're awfully _relaxed_ about this." She gives me a blank stare! "If I so desired, I would take ownership of you."

Honestly, it's so early in the game, I don't give a shit. "Hoh." Have a shrug, friend.

…

She grins! "You really don't care, then. I half expected you to cite Reimu as your savior from such a fate. Fufu..."

Oh, yeah, she'd probably stop that, wouldn't she? Hoh.

"Although, I don't need ownership to _persuade_ someone of your level." Ooo. She looks over at me, and since I'm pretty keen on _staring into people's souls,_ I meet her gaze.

Y'know, she's got a rather pretty face, honestly. It's a weird mix of child-like and _not_. Freakin'... loli _vampires_.

Those eyes really are unlike anything I've ever seen, glowing with this faint, relaxing red luminescence. Her pupils are slits, which is ignorable most of the time, but now it stands out, and… it's pretty cool.

"Take a seat." She gestures ahead to something out of my vision.

The hallway's a tint darker, for some reason, as I see a _scarlet couch_ positioned over there, against the wall.

"Alright." No problem…

...After a moment, I sit down-

Remilia stands before me, and we make eye contact again.

"Tell me your name." She asks me for my name.

"Brad." I… yeah. I feel like I'm forgetting something...

"... _Last_ name." She requests.

…Ah.

"Hmm." Raising a brow, she continues. I couldn't answer her question. "What's your purpose with this mansion?"

"Have fun." I feel warm…

As I lean back into the couch, I continue staring into her eyes as she asks another question. "How do you have fun?"

I take a moment to consider how to answer. "...Screwing around." She should be happy with that.

...After a moment of letting me stare into her gorgeous red eyes, she smiles at me. "Hit yourself, in the face."

Cool. I bring my arm up-

 _Pap!_ Ow- fuck! Fucking-...

Why the- am I sitting on a couch…!? And I just hit myself in the _jaw_. Man… I can go fuck myself, yo.

Ah… wait- oh shit, I'm sitting on a couch!

"Ohp!" I spring up offa' the couch! "Don't want no _fairy piss_ in this household, no sirree~!" I am scared of the couches!

Oh, hey, Remilia's here. When'd- wai~t just a cotton _pickin'_ minute here…

"Come along." Smiling, her eyes dimmer again, she beckons me to follow her. "You can stare at my eyes at my room, all you'd like."

Yeah, sure. Freakin' hypnotic _bullshit_ , dude.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We're in the front lobby now, for some reason!

"It is dark, now." Remilia prefaces, as we walk down the front steps 'a the lobby. "Let us do some… exploring, perhaps. That, and I have some things I wish to do."

Yo ho _ho_. Well, that's fluffy. I like how the halls have just no freakin' rhyme or reason. Remilia gets wherever she wants in like one offbeat turn if she feels like it.

 _Crea~k_. The front door opens ahead of us, without anyone doing anything.

Sakuya appears! "Are you heading out, Mistress?" ...She gives me a flat stare!

"Just _perusing_ the manor." Remilia gave her a wave. "You may follow or you may not."

...After bowing, Sakuya begins to approach us! "Understood."

Pretty soon, we're outside!

Gensokyo's sky is full, stars shining immensely brightly over the land. You can see purple and blue swirls of star dust and gas, a blanket of shimmering light giving the land a pale, dim sheen despite the dark.

Despite the increased star visibility, it is _oh so very_ dark out here. Not too much so, but a lot more than around my old home in the suburbs!

Oh, and the moon's like, dead, 'cause it should be October Twentieth by today. I think. Maybe. It should be full in a _few_ days.

 _Crea~k_. Remilia casts the front gate open without so much as touching it as she walks forward. Oo~h, we're heading outside the walls…!

But, not too far. We stop at the _fluffle stand_.

Despite exploding unceremoniously earlier, it's back again, and pretty content, too. It's got _happy freckles_ , dude.

"You." Approaching it, Remilia drifts up so she can loom over the fluffle, making her appear taller than me.

"hi" The fluffle tilts its entire head back to stare at her with its unadjustable, decal eyes.

"Give me my funds, and you will live." Remilia held out her arm.

Sakuya appeared behind it, ready to slit its… throat? Its head joins its body at its, uh, torso, so it doesn't really _have_ a neck. Well, actually, _kind of?_ Yeah, a neck _seam_ , but like… no _throat_. Weird shit!

The fluffle held up its fin hands, clearly surprised. "help no"

…

It relaxed, despite the blade at its neck. "im fluffy"

"Tell me where my money is." Remilia doesn't phrase it like a question!

"can we be friends" The fluffle displays its smile!

…

After a moment of staring into its decal eyes, Remilia-

" _ **Obey**_ **.** " Wo- woah. Whatever she did, I just felt like I was about ta piss myself…! "Tell me where my money is."

"Waaa~l!" The fluffle wailed at her. Aw~!

Huffing, Remilia folded her arms. "Fine. Sakuya, slay it."

 _Ri~p._ Sakuya softly slit its throat with one slice-

Ri- rip. Its head folded back, and stuffing came out-

 _Fwoo~f_. It collapsed into dust. They killed it, dude.

…

Stepping around the counter, Remilia searches for her money. "... _Where_ is it?"

Sakuya's now a reasonable distance from the counter, watching her mistress from the sidelines.

...After kneeling down under the counter-

 _BAM!_ Remilia uppercuts it into the air! " _Damn_ it!"

Holy _shit_ it flew! Woaa~h!

I watch the counter freakin' spiral off into the sky…

 _CRACK!_ It landed on the spoked top of the manor's exterior walls, crumbling apart on impact.

"Seriously, where the hell'd it go!?" Daa~h… "That's just not fair!"

Sakuya sighed. "Perhaps one of its cohorts took off with it." ...I mean, I saw it just _explode_ , money and all. You'd think some of the coins would survive, but just everything involved was vaporized, for some reason. Cartoon physics!

...Furrowing her brows-

 _Shi~ng!_ Remilia drew her new spear! "It's not like it _wasn't_ worth it- but… ugh. Stupid _fluffles!_ "

...She sees me just kinda starin' at her! "You know where it could've stashed it?"

"Nope!" Haven't a freakin' clue! Stash-wise, anyway, since it's _vaporized_. Maybe I just _won't_ tell her that.

...Exhaling, she stands properly again, putting her spear behind her back, where it dissipates into magic. "...Mrm. Apologies for… losing my cool. These _vermin_ are quickly leaning towards my bad side."

Pivoting around, she begins stepping back inside! "How _irritating_. Come, we're going back inside."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We're in the halls… again! And boy are they halls, dude…!

"Du~de." I nod, repeatedly. "We should build a combat ship and _sail it_."

"No." Aw. Remilia looks over at me, expression dry, before continuing forward. That whole money thing seems to have put her in a _mediocre_ mood.

"Please refrain from irritating the Mistress." Sakuya~. I'm gonna~...

I turn to her! "Can I irritate _you_ , yo?"

"I wouldn't advise it." She's closer to me, for some reason!

…

Freakin'... ah. That looks like the door to Remilia's room. It's _tall_ , akin to her throne room door, albeit a little more purple instead of just scarlet.

Komi's there, waiting! "...There!" She points at us!

...A drowsy-looking, brown-haired fairy stumbles forward. "A- aah…" She's loli-sized like Remilia, but has a moderate chest. "I'm gonna beat you up…!"

A pony-tailed fairy with yellow hair readies her dukes!

Komi sneers at the vampire. "Even if you can order _me_ , can you order-"

"Yes, yes, and yes. Multiple times." Remilia impatiently answers her. "And, Sakuya, before you ask to discipline them, allow me a moment."

...Sakuya had her knives all ready and everything, too. She slowly lowers 'em…

Stepping forward, Remilia slowly gets closer to the fairies…

"C'mere!" Pulling out a _sake bottle_ , the brown-haired fairy runs towards Remilia-

The bottle's gone. Sakuya is across the hall, dusting the faces of it.

...It took her a moment, but the fairy realized she was disarmed somehow. "Whah? Oh, damn…"

Komi runs forward! And-

 _Thunk_. She kicks Remilia in the chest.

Remilia doesn't move, though. Not a budge!

 _Pap!_ The yellow fairy hits Remilia in the face, failing to make her flinch.

...Slowly, Remilia holds an arm up, her normally minimized right wing expanding-

" _Hellfire!_ " She yells an attack name!

 _Fwoom!_ Three whirling orbs of flame spawn from within her wing's darkness, spreading out briefly to make a vertical wall…

 _Fwa- fwa- fwam!_ Each fireball strikes one fairy at a time-

 _Pi- pi- pi~chun!_ They all instantly died!

"...Fufufu." With that, Remilia continued forward! "My room is here, boy. You may spend the _evening_."

"Mistress…?" Sakuya is closer again, looking inquisitive!

...Remilia gives her a dry stare. "Oh, come off it. He gets the floor, and if he wishes for more, he'll be asked to find furnishing elsewhere. It's as simple as that."

"I see." Sakuya bows-

-and is gone. Aw…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I never knew how to play risk, and I still don't. I swear Remilia cheats at checkers and chess, and I swear she's got aimbot on when we play battleship!

...After a moment of contemplation, I realize something game-changing, dude.

Reaching forward, I draw the last X required for me to get tic-tac-toe.

…

"I won!" Yeah! Delayed fist pump!

"That makes one to twenty one." Remilia's lying on the floor in front of me, kicking her legs with her head propped up on her arm. "I'm sure your lineage would be proud."

"We're expert vampire tic-tac-toe vanquishers, dude." I wag my finger at 'er! "We find vampires, we tic-tac-toe them, then we leave. Wahaha~!" Wahaha, son!

She snorts. "Then you leave, hmm? What happened to that part?"

"Fairy rape." I nod in _assurance_ , yo. "The worst kind of rape."

"I disagree." Remilia smirked at me. "Humans will typically beat you up, and some youkai will paralyze or kill you, before or after the fact. Fairies just want a good time. They're awfully affectionate."

...Ah. Oh, yeah, that reminds me. Should probably just charge headfirst into this…

"My blood!" Yo ho ho! "When're ya gonna suck it!?"

She snorts again! "Hmm…? My, are you _eager._ " Ah, shit. "...Unfortunately, I'm not hungry, right now." _Score!_ Remilia is light drinker equals true in this universe, yo.

"Are you disappointed?" She tilts her head at me. "...If you're _genuinely_ interested-"

"Nah!" Let's not do that! "I think… I'm cool!"

...On that note, I'm also curious about anotha' thing. "I'm gonna assume this interest in me's, uh…" Man, this sentence sounds-

"It's not typical, no." Remilia addresses my curiosity! "You're not a typical human." Oh.

...I blink at 'er! "S'that so."

"You're certainly more relaxed than most would be." She raises a brow as she continues… "I've met few who were open minded… although it's not unheard of for outsiders to be _weird_." I'm a _wei~rdo_ , dude!

Also, I know what Touhou is and am an internet denizen. That _helps_.

"I'm fluffy." I decide. Can't really just _tell 'er_ about that shit!

"Great." Her gaze becomes slanted…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

…

Poofy pillow…

I like poofy pillows. When they get too poofy, it's a bit _oof_ , but I like poofy pillows…

Poofy pillows are pretty good for masturba- well y'know I don't think we need to _go there_ …! If I' awake enough for that, I'm awake enough to find out where the hell I fell asleep! Keepin' this fic T-rated, son!

Actually, I slept well. Hoh…

I look to the right-

Oh. Sleepy Remilia. She's zonked, dude. Also, she's a respectable distance _away_ from me. Issa good thing I don't roll around when I'm on my stomach!

What time is it…? Oh, damn, no clo- well, actually, I can read analog. What kinda victorian mansion'd this be without analog clocks?

...Oh, yeah! Grandfather clock, son. Lookin' over at it, I see tha~t… it's eight in the morning! Issa roman numeral clock, too!

It's also not moving.

 _Shi~ng!_

"Enjoying yourself?"

Hi, Sakuya. I like your red knives. They're shiny and _oh boy_.

...I nod at her! The knives are thankfully not _that_ close to my throat. "Yes, actually. It's _poofy._ " I'd wiggle my head on the pillow, but I'm sitting up!

"Explain to me why your life isn't worth taking." Oh crap- the knives get closer…!

"One!" Let's make some cases, dude! "...Remilia~ wouldn't like a flaming corpse in her bed!"

"I am an expert in body disposal." Sakuya remedies my complaint. "She'd only believe I'd cleaned the bedding at an irregular time."

Oh, good. "...Two!" Next case! "...Reimu'd be mad?"

"Not if I said it was for good reason." Sakuya shoots down that idea! Aa- ooh…! I can feel the steel on my neck. I'm a little too groggy for the panic to set in, but…

"Three!" If this isn't a good one…! "...I'm not a clingy sleeper." Yeah.

…

"Genuinely?" She's just giving me a bored stare! "Why were you in mistress's bed to begin with?" Success! I can _elaborate!_

"I collapsed of sleep exhaustion, yo…" It's been a rough few days! "I don't remember falling asleep here!"

…

"Well then." She's putting the knives _away_. Hoo~... "I'd recommend you _leave here now_."

A~nd she's gone!

The clock starts ticking again on the wall.

"Nnh…" Remilia starts to stir, dude. "Sakuya…?" This is your fault, Sakuya! You woke her up with all your timey wimey shit!

...Leaning towards her, I try to lull her back to sleep. "Shh~. Don't worry, little one, for the brazen fluff will rise in the morning."

…

She blinks her eyes open, and looks over at me.

I allow myself to deflate exaggeratedly… "Challenge failed, dude. Hello, friend."

...I-

 _PAP!_ _Ooaa-_

Thud! Oww~... she _hit me_ like, off the bed and a few feet away. Fuck...

"I've got to prepare… nn~h, for the da~y…" Remilia stretches, in her pajamas. "So get the hell out, and all that. I commend you for staying true to your senses, and refraining from touching me in the night. Otherwise I'd have simply killed you."

Yeah, cool, just gimme a second to be _in pain_ … Wait- I was that close to what now!?

...Rolling over-

Oh. Hello, cyan stalker maid. Her partially charred form is on the floor next to me, splayed out with knives in her maid outfit. I'm not the only one having a tough morning, yo...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I'm pretty sure I just stared death in the face and told him a really bad fart joke. Or, her in this case, I think. It'd be Komachi, wouldn't it? I bet she was waiting _right_ outside that door, yo. Jesus fuck…!

"I'll give it back when I die, ze!" Marisa lets out a ye~ll!

"It'll be gone by then!" Reimu pulls on the buttered roll in Marisa's clutches! "I need food…!"

We're in the dining room again. I don't think I got to describe this place last time. It's _big_ , for one thing. The ceiling's up unnecessarily high- like, _sixty feet_ perhaps, and there's a huge ass chandelier hangin' from it.

Cleverly weavin' her arm about, Marisa maneuvers the buttered roll… "You can buy a new one wit'cha fancy donations!"

"No!" Reimu's not thrown off! "Borrow someone else's food!"

...I sit down at the table next to them-

On the plate here appears a card, some red knives splayed out on the plate.

Aw. A Christmas card. Lemme open it, dude…

Folding the blank card open, I read the plain English inside. She was considerate, even!

'Do you want to die?' Oh. That's what the card says, here…

"Yes." I answer aloud. "I wanna dye a shirt some day."

...She wrote 'that's nice' under her original sentence. Woohoo!

Another morning of cardboard waffles, dude. Just like mom used to make.

...Leaning forward, I took a bite of the card.

 _Cli- click._ It folded in my mouth. This tastes bad.

...As I chew, I look over at Sakuya. "Mmh." Food, friend.

"What." She's got her eyebrows raised!

"Ifh- a goo' ca'." ...That was stupidnese for 'it's a good card'.

 _Thud_. "No…!" Marisa held her arm up from the floor, her hat twirling to the side-

"Omf…" Reimu ate the roll. "Mmh…"

"Darn…" Flopping over, Marisa gave up.

"Pftuh." I spat the card stuff out 'cause _fuck_. "...This could use the ten gallons of syrup that went with them. Just like mom used to make 'em, dude."

 _Bo~ng_. Sakuya placed a tub of syrup down nearby.

My plate is now a bowl, and it's filled with syrup. Sweet.

...I dip the card, before letting it sink. I ruined it.

...Grabbing the bowl, I start to drink the syrup!

 _Gulp. Gulp-_

"Kaugh- kauf- nngh…" Too much… syrup! Turns out yer not s'posed to chug it…! Ugh…

...Sakuya took the tub of it away when I wasn't looking, leaving me with the bowl. What, do they just _have_ a tub of syrup? Is that where they keep it? Freakin'...

"Having a rough morning?" Patchouli's giving me a dry glance from an opposite seat, and a few spaces down.

"...I'd take it to the _rape trains!_ Today I actually get to _eat_ 'n' wake up…!" I put it bluntly!

...She nods. "Ah." Ah. Yeah. With that, she continues eating her _real waffles_. Ma~n…

Oh, hey, it's Alice. She's floating into the room, moving past the table side…

"What're you doing…?" She gives Marisa a dry stare, her arms behind her back. "Did Remilia's prodding get to you, and you finally began eating like a cur?"

"Oof…" Marisa gives her a slanted grin! "You're so cold, Alice…"

...Surveying the room, the puppeteer saw me. As she approached, and stared into my bowl, she furrowed her brows. "Um…"

"Card bowl." I raise the bowl. "Good _shit_ , dude. Sakuya's _specialty_."

 _Fwoom!_ Oh- holy crap! The bowl lit on _fire!_

"Oh- Jesus!" Flail it! Get _away_ from me-

And then it's gone. Sakuya _annihilated it_.

...I give Alice a smile! "The~re goes breakfast…!"

"...Right." She steps back a little, as I get up. "I'll give you a moment."

Thanks, yo. I _need_ a moment…!

...I pick up the wine glass positioned next to where my stuff used to be on the table. "Y'know, I'd like a drink, too…"

Oh- woah. It's a bottle of wine, now! Freakin'...

And there's a lit rag in it! It's a fucking molotov!

" _Yo~!_ " I toss it on the table!

 _Crack!_ ...The bottle shatters, making everyone jump! There's no liquid in it, though. The flaming rag mysteriously vanishes. Sakuya's playin' tricks my boy…!

"Mu- mukyuu~!" ... _What_. Oh my god dude, I'm gonna die. Patchy's the _snuggliest_ muffin.

"... _Really._ " That being said, she's now an angry muffin!

"Yo ho ho!" Crouching down, I start navigating under the table…!

...On the other side, I pop out, and step up to Patchy.

She's got a finished glass of orange juice next to her.

"No. Back." She shoos me…!

"Are you finished with that, yo?" I point to the empty glass.

...She blinks at me. "Perhaps. If you-"

Taking it, I awkwardly tug my H2O Hanger from my _sack_ , a~nd…!

Spla- spla- splash… Slowly, I fill the cup with the freakin' drippy droppy water from the hanger…

Once it's overflowing, I start to chug!

Oo~h. Yeah. I _needed_ that. Is this water safe to drink? We're gonna find out!

Also, indirect kiss with Patchy, ha, ha, ha. Yeah, freakin' sharin' _germs_ , dude. I'm gonna catch a Gensokyian virus and die.

"...Curiously resourceful." Patchy raises a brow at me. "Is that pure water?"

...I look over at her. "I have _no_ idea…!"

The incident resolvers are just giving me _befuddled stares_. I just ate a card, downed two mouthfuls of syrup and _choked_ , tossed the spontaneously flaming bowl it was in, lobbed a molotov, crawled under the table, filled Patchy's empty glass magically and _drank it._

...I mean, it's a pretty good morning, all things considered. It could've gone _worse!_

…

"Tst!" Ah? Oh. _Dude_. Patchy just _sneezed_. It was like one of those little kitty sneezes…!

"You're _cuddly_." I would like to snuggle you please and thank you.

"Ngh… great." She wiggles her nose a little…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 3

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Weaponizer of Plant Hangers

PRIMARY WEAPON: Flamehanger - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire!

INVENTORY:

H2O Hanger - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Mundane, but practical in the eyes of a few. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Cast-iron plant hanger - Cast-iron plant hanger - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. My most basic weapon.

Yin-yang Flail - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups.

NERF Dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF Longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Fancy Operating Cross: Version Two- Allows control and summoning of a London doll, along with some basic commands.

==o==

PARTY:

London, the Doll - Defensive unit, able to hold positions and provide cover-fire. Command is slightly dynamic, sporting defensive and offensive modes. Able to be used for more intricate operations; although seems to retreat when the operating cross is in the hammerspace sack this time...

==o==

Reimu Hakurei, the Shrine Maiden of Paradise - Human with holy affinities and gifted with the amazing Hakurei abilities, including the power to wield the Hakurei Yin-yang orb.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Hakurei Yin-yang orbs: Reimu's traditional yin-yang orbs which accent her holy abilities by boosting the power of holy attacks and magic. Has a black-white color scheme. Known throughout Gensokyo as pain incarnate.

SKILLS:

Spell Cards - Lots of big, unstoppable magic spells of doom! Aaa~h!

Ofuda - Reimu slaps ofuda on enemies, dealing draining holy damage. May weaken foes. Most effective on youkai, moderately effective on humans, and less than useful on holy foes.

Floating - Including but not limited to, flying, teleportation, freakin'... barriers! Um…

Hakurei Knowledge - Reimu knows a lot of Hakurei things that other people don't. Ooo~...

INVENTORY:

Gohei - A reinforced gohei that Reimu uses when she's not crushing stuff with her orbs, or slapping ofuda on things.

Shrine maiden outfit - Her armpits are exposed, dude. Ooo~...!

Bloodbath Yin-yang orbs - Purple and red yin-yang orbs. Inflicts bleeding on hit. Blood collected can boost attack power up to but no more than seventy percent, and synergizes with other attack buffs.

==o==

Marisa Kirisame, the Ordinary Magician - Ordinary human, who happens to have spent alot of time studying magic to the point she's got a huge mana pool for unleashing heavy non-elemental magic storms.

SKILLS:

Spell Cards - Guess what, yo!? She can cast spell cards, too! Oh no~!

Telekinesis - Or, in layman's terms, _broom magic_.

Magical Practitioner - Marisa knows a lot about magic!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Mini-hakkero - Power-amplifying device Marisa uses to fuel her Master Sparks! Boosts the power of non-elemental skills. What's a full-sized hakkero like…!?

INVENTORY:

Hammerspace Witch Hat - Infinite inventory, like me, actually!

Marisa's Witch Outfit - Man, that hat is _poofy_. Dude…

Endless Potion Repository - She's probably got ninety-nine stacks of every healing item…!

==o==

Sakuya Izayoi, the Perfect and Elegant Maid - Remilia's faithful and perfect maid. Gets all the chores done by stopping time. Insane throwing weapon skill…!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Crimson Jazz Daggers - Neon red and crimson hilted, jagged daggers. They're like mini-scimitars! Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites on impact. They don't bounce as well 'cause of their _weird shapes_.

SKILLS:

Time Stop - Stops all time, or something. Don't ask me!

Throwing Mastery - Sakuya's a master at _throwing crap_.

Spell Cards - Aaa~h! Magic is bad for Brad!

Floating - She can _float_. Not sure why!

INVENTORY:

Moonlight Array - Sakuya's oldie but goldie stock standard knives. Boosts the power of holy skills, and deals holy elemental damage with physical attacks. Easiest weapon for her to wield.

Pocket Watch - Sakuya stops _time itself_. Maybe. I don't know…!

Maid Outfit - Different and more stylized than most fairy maid outfits, 'cause she's the _chief._

==o==

Reisen Udongein Inaba, the Lunatic Moon Rabbit - Experienced lunar rabbit soldier! Master of many arms, as well as gadgets!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Guns? - Reisen's loaded to the teeth! I haven't seen her commit to one weapon, yet…

SKILLS:

Plasma Field - Thunder magic, it looks like! Creates a splash of bullets coated in electricity, creating a huge messy _electrical mess_. Really loud.

Snipe - Attack with high critical hit rate. High accuracy.

Gun Mastery - Reisen seems to know a lot about guns!

INVENTORY:

Sniper-Minigun Combo - A massive heavy weapon with powerful sniper and suppression capabilities. Allows Reisen to unload random bullets spreads onto amateur foes, as well as precisely pick out key targets. Non-elemental weapon.

Reisen's Suit - It's a _suit_ , with lots of pockets!

Gadgets and More Guns - Oh gee, I dunno...

==o==

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

shorter chapter mostly to have a cliffhanger for! don't worry, it wasn't alot that was cut off!

liked some of the later scenes i wrote, but only really those; 2 AM does things to ya

aside from that i dunno if i like the direction things are going, but it's alright for what it is!

dunno how im gonna handle that villain dude- not giving anything away though! hyoonk

...i should focus on making swears less prominent with the people who aren't me

see you all on the fluffside yo

==== TWO MILLION YEARS LATER ====

this went from like 14 k to 20 k words

IT GOT A LITTLE INFLATED but it's a lot less hard on the spine lemme tell ya

actual changelog:

o redid entire factory combat segment

\- with additional allusion to the incident's villain!

\- now with more reisen

this was generally to make it just more _better_ while still having me be present and do some amusing things, and i think it turned out well

some allusions to things were added too because hoh hoh hoh backtracking

o redid fairies fight

it's more sane now, their attacks make more sense and i don't just somehow win; it's less clumsy and just _easier overall to follow_ and doesn't take a million years

o redid shop scene

more people, consolidation of some revisits, finally got reimu her bloodbath orbs which i cut from the end of chapter 2, yeah

o some additional scenes with remilia that hadn't happened before

originally i found out how the incident was happening; not anymore! since patchy discovers the suspect immediately, that gave me some time to fill which i probably shouldn't have but hey i was inspired

we originally visited cirno and daiyousei and wriggle and weird stuff happened but now we just have some remilia showcasing and it's stretches disbelief a little less

o generally reworked morning scene

the other one wasn't godawful but this brad's still insane but a little more believably and tactfully so; i think i've vastly improved on the original things here

so yeah

otherwise it was a pretty fun chapter; and a pretty _long_ one. don't wanna patronize anyone with my reminders of ctrl + f existing, but trust me, it helped me and i suspect it'll help other people, not everyone knows that shortcut and for _twenty thousand word chapters_ that's pretty important

the combat scenes actually feel more tactfully placed and mean more; better pacing, more direction and coherence with the plot and some actual reactions

they mean less than they used to due to the scope of the work but at the same time y'know they're kinda serving a purpose and this is an arcadey video-gamey slice of life… and sometimes you just carry that RPG grindfest element with you XD it's just kind of happened lemme tell ya

so yeah!

as always, see you all next time!


	4. Hana's Nice

(that one chapter I found something witty to say about)

In good time, we reached the Hakurei shrine… albeit early. Nothin's here yet! It just took a few moments of freakin'... running across the lakeside before we got here.

...It's real pretty here. I like the shrine's whole aesthetic, too. Japanese architecture's _nice,_ dude.

As we gather around inside the shrine, Reimu slips under her kotatsu…

"It's eleven." Sakuya recited the time from her pocket watch. "...So we have an hour to kill."

"I've got radar." Reisen slid under the kotatsu, herself. "We'll know where the craft is before it even becomes visible."

 _Clank!_ Reisen slapped down a deep blue pad on the kotatsu top…

 _Boop._ Light pulsed across it, dots displayed at the very center!

"I… see." Reimu gives the radar pad a curious stare. "If I had one of those, I could hide whenever someone comes to annoy me."

"Giving you lunar tech's a mistake." Reisen grinned at her…

 _Thud!_ "Hoo~h!" Marisa loudly flops onto the floor! "It's gettin' _cold_ , ze!"

"I kno~w…" Leanin' back a little, Reisen exhales… "The clinic's always hell to get the heating back in gear after all summer. You'd think it'd be easy, with all of our technology, but the building's quality… varies."

"Yeah- I'd imagine a time warping giganto fortress would be hard to heat consistently…" Marisa droned out from the floor… "Waddaya say, Sakuya?"

...Roused from her idleness, Sakuya gazed down at her. "Hmm? Ah. We don't heat the mansion, often. We have ten different fireplaces, but we also use boiler heating, and fairy heat."

"Fairy heat…?" Reimu shifted on the kotatsu.

"...Put a bunch of fairies in one place, and get them excited." Sakuya summarized. "Works every time. The room goes up ten or twenty degrees."

"Fahrenheit or celsius?" Reisen panned her gaze over towards Sakuya…

"Celsius." Sakuya revealed. "We're european, not American."

...Reimu questions again! "What's America?"

Reisen flops onto her back, too. "Ooo~..."

...Considering this, Sakuya chooses to proceed carefully. "...I know they have a lot of businesses."

"Aw, I can answer this one!" I march ahead to get attention! "I lived there, yo! Born and rai~sed!"

...Gingerly, Sakuya faces me. "That explains so much." Wahaha!

"Boy does it…" Reisen monotones from the floor…

"So what is it..." Reimu, don't fall asleep before a big battle…!

We had ten gallon hats and shot each other all the time. It was basically Gensokyo, except with real bullets and everyone was ugly… and not Gensokyo.

"Well…!" Let's see! "We got _indoctrination schools_ , dude. And colleges, that waste your time and drain your _life energy_ , and you have to pay for it or you get deemed a disgrace by the entirety of the freakin'..." Let's see, what word… Hivemind? Nation? _World?_

"Cool." Reimu's not even listening, is she? "What do they teach…?"

"Math." I decide. "...Alright- the elementaries, they teach pretty well! Everything else is just _useless_ and just there now 'cause _money_ and _it's easier_."

"Aa~h." Marisa's almost as dead as Reimu. Alright- why's everyone havin' freakin' nap hour…!? What happened, dude!?

Everyone except for Sakuya, anyway. "...Truth be told, I don't recall going to formal school." Oh shit dude, Sakuya backstory, maybe! Are you a Belmont vampire hunter in this universe…!? A lunarian!? A _ghoo~st-_ alright that last fanon I made up, but freakin'...!

"Hoh." I nod.

…

Alright, if everyone's just _dying_ for no reason, I guess I will too!

...Looking around, I move for that one room that feels like it goes somewhere-

Oh, hey! After sliding the door open, I find a kitchen! Ye~s, dude…

Dude! Reimu's got a _sink!_ With… no faucet. It's just… a bowl, in the counter. Huh.

Cool. Well- anyway, let's try the door on the right, here…

... _Dude!_

Rompin' inside, I come across Reimu's futon!

There's a dresser in the back, dude. Running up to it, I slide it open.

Aaw. _Bindings_ , and _socks_. I'd take these if it didn't fuck with the continuity. Actually, you know what…

Does she have any panties I can take? I- oh, right. Bloomers. Man. She wears like, nothing perv-baity. Aside from _exposing her armpits_. Maybe someone would be into her used bindings, but that's too abstract for me. These are _new_ too, so there's not even a point.

...I'm just gonna stuff an entire copy of her outfit in here and immediately forget that I did that. Hurray for retconning in random bullshit! Lemme just, grab these socks, a roll of binding paper, the dress… the _arm sleeves..._ Oh, and don't even _try_ checking the end of chapter inventory for this. I'm probably gonna forget until like, chapter _one hundred_ or some shit.

What was I doing again? Oh, right, using her _bed_.

Stepping up to the futon, I lift the covers up… and climb inside!

Oh man, yo. This is _snug_.

...Kind of _worse_ than a bed, but snug. I feel low down!

...For some reason, I guess I am kind of tired. Lobbing molotovs and vaguely irritating Sakuya does that. Also, we had to walk like a mile to get here- which, honestly, is _pretty short_. This Gensokyo seems pretty small and self-contained. Some fics make Gensokyo fuckin' ginormous. Take a day to get from the shrine to the village and back!

Whelp- I think I've done thought myself out…

…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

 _BOOM_

Oo~h, shit, I'm up… what the fuck was that-

 _BOOM_

Woa~h!

Leaping out of Reimu's futon bed thing, I look around! Who what where-

 _BOOM_

Whatever the fuck that is, it hurts my ears!

Runnin' out of the bedroom with my _bag_ , I snap my head around.

 _Vuuu~m_. A low hum's coming from overhead-

 _BOOM_

Is someone setting off a fuckin' cannon!? Alright- I gotta see what the frik's goin' on out there…!

Pick a door, any door! I choose the door that doesn't lead to the shrine's main room!

Sliding it open-

Oh, this just leads outside. Nice and sunny-

 _BOOM!_

I jumped! What the frik-...

Oh. Lookin' to the side, I see a _huge_ sniper rifle poking over the edge of the Hakurei hillside, Reisen lying behind it. It's mounted on the ground, 'cause it's so _fucking big_.

 _Cla- clack_. She throws a dictionary-sized magazine aside, before moving to load another one…

I run towards the area vaguely near her position! Perhaps the _stairs-_ nah nevermind I don't like those stairs! I'll just hang on the _hillside_ …

"Yo!" I yell out at her! "What the fuck's goin'-"

 _Woosh!_ A fairy whirls past me…!

 _Pi~chun!_ Instantly, some glowing silver knives road off into the air in the opposite direction of the fairy's flight.

 _Crank- clank!_ Reisen's reloaded her sniper rifle, and is now like, fucking _winding it up_ with a rolling lever.

She aims up at-... ah.

There's a freight-esque craft floating above the shrine, with big ass _jet thrusters_ beneath it. It looks rickety as fuck. There're words written on the sides of it in a language that's not Japanese or English…

 _BOOM_

Ow. My _ears_. Holy _shit_. Shit's _ringing_ , dude.

...As the result of her shot, one of the clunky crates that was on the flanks of the craft tumbles off the side, rended from its hook-

 _Thunk!_ After rolling off the side of the shrine's roof, it smashes into the lawn. It's like, one of those _metal_ crates, so the fall didn't do away with it.

Atop the floating craft was a really tall but fucked up looking antenna, sparks dancing off of it periodically. I think it's not _supposed_ to look like that…

"Perimeter secured." Sakuya appears on the hill next to Reisen. "Fairies are maintaining a distance."

 _BOOM_

Fucking _ow_.

Reisen's shot makes Sakuya jump! Hell, the knockback of that gun made Reisen slide back a few inches…!

The craft _swung_ in the air from the bullet that struck it. It couldn't have been much bigger than like… two double-decker busses taped to the side of each other. Good size comparison!

 _Fwoo~sh!_ A pod roared from the underside 'a it!

 _Bam!_ It embedded itself in the front lawn of the shrine.

 _Boom!_ ...A moment later, Reimu and Marisa blew their way out of the command deck of the sorta-but-not-really tiny hover ship.

 _Fwii~sh!_ As the pod snapped open, that business-suited guy came out! " _Al- alright!_ "

 _Click_. Cocking his new pistol, he aimed it at Reisen…! "You, hands up!"

I'm just gonna be _still_ and uh, wait.

...Reisen slowly stands, holding her arms up.

He began marching towards her, hurried and frantic, glancing up at the other girls… "You pieces of shit've been _so much_ trouble. I don't even- I don't know how you…"

Once he focused on Reisen again-

 _Fwi~sh_. From here, I could see her eyes pulse red without making direct eye contact with her…!

...Then, she just steps out of the way, as he continues towards her old position.

"Come here!" Once he was closer, he moved to aggressively grapple the air. " _Got_ you…"

After a moment of struggling, he held his pistol awkwardly against the air, while Reisen slowly lugged her big, person-sized _cannon rifle_ up in the background…

...Reimu and Marisa slowly drifted down onto the shrine's lawn-

" _Hakure~i!_ " The man called out! "I have an offer you _can't_ refuse!"

...The two girls just looked between one another!

Then, they looked over at Reisen. The bunny girl made a 'shh' gesture with her finger, as she tried to stabilize the gihugic cannon sniper rifle in her arms…

"Too stunned for words?" The man looked in the real Reisen's position, but if he saw her, he didn't freakin' _see her_. "Now… maybe you'll actually _listen_ to what I have to say."

"Sure." Propping her arms on her hips, Reimu heard him out. "Not like I'll listen, with you screwing with nature and all."

"Who gives a crap about _nature?_ " Furrowing his brows, he reaffirms his grip against _the air_. "Look, I can give you… _so much_. If you just let me… be in peace, here."

"An' what's that entail?" Marisa glared at 'em! "Just earlier ya were tryin'a blow our brains out! Wit' a _real gun!_ "

"Because you were _threatening_ my _life_ and _operation!_ " The guy barked back!

"You're threatening our _way of life_." Reimu retorted plainly. "This isn't your world, or whatever. You can't just walk in and start screwing with the balance."

"What do you mean, 'not my world'!?" Son, that's a little…! "Who the hell're _you_ to say society can't advance here? There's _nothing_ out here! Just fucking… monsters, and hicks!"

...Shakin' her head, Reimu idly shifted her posture. "That's what _you_ think-"

"I know! I _read it!_ " He barks back! "If this was the _real world_ , you wouldn't be bumming out in that…" He points at the shrine. "...That _place_ , without proper titles and money to back it!"

...Actually, aren't places of religion like, exempt from tax and shit? Tsk tsk tsk, son. Also- you didn't know what to call the shrine…!?

"It's a good thing this isn't the so-called 'real world', then." Reimu just gave 'em a _sideways stare_. "If you like it so much, just go away."

"...I spent _too much time_ , and… _too much_ , to go home empty-handed." He jams his gun into the _air,_ pressing it against a head that wasn't there. "I'm taking _her_ with me. Or, you could give me what I came for."

...Reimu and Marisa start to move closer!

"Ho- hold it!" He almost steps back himself, but he's on hillside, so he _can't_ reliably. "Back the _fuck_ up! I- I could _kill her_ , too!"

Marisa grinned. "Are you _man enough_ ta pull the trigger?"

...After a moment, he grinned back. "No one would _know_. This place's in the fuckin' sticks. Hell- it's inside a _magic barrier!_ And if _you two_ are the worst this place's got to offer…!"

Spoiler alert: they're not. I also like how he's not even paying me any mind over here! I don't think I'll, uh, _intervene_ , though.

'Cause, Reisen's got that _gigantic sniper rifle_ held up, and I'm pretty sure a bolt of _anything_ from that will fuck this dude's week up- if it don't just _murder_ the boy.

...Daring him, the girls stepped closer-

" _Ba~ck!_ " He yells out at them! "I'm this _fucking_ close! I'm-"

The girls continue to get closer!

 _Bang_.

...He killed the _air_ , du~de!

Holding his arms out, letting go of the _air_ , he dropped his pistol. "Sorry~."

...Expression dry, Reimu turned to Reisen. "Take it. Lethal."

Reisen took pause at the second command-

"Alright, now…" He begins to reach into his suit. "I really must be-"

 _BOOM_

A fountain of red- or, more like a freakin' _splash_ , expands into the air, the shot shattering the _entire_ skull.

" _Woa~h!_ " Marisa's jaw drops…!

... _Spla- splat, splat_. The body twirled to the side a little, as red chunks descended in a cone in the direction the bullet was going.

 _THUNK_. The shrine's gate in the background creaked as the bullet continued through it. Jesus, that's like… anti-armor shit!

Thud. The body began rolling down the Hakurei hillside, passing me by some feet…

…

Reimu sighed, shaking her head and looking away.

...I'm not sure what to think! I just saw 'em _murder_ that boy! What was that about danmaku!? Reimu did say 'lethal', so… yo~.

...Sighting her friend's solemn expression, Marisa gave her a smile.

Sakuya appeared on the shrine path to the left 'a the whole scene. "There won't be any trials or justice for him, either, it would seem. Although, I suppose that was his punishment for so immediately breaking this land's laws…"

"Yeah…" Reimu held a hand to her chest, before stretching her neck a little. "He was an outsider… and a pretty obviously _malicious_ one, at that. I'm… not about _killing_ , but it's really better for everyone like this. Keeps the balance stabler."

...Reisen floated back onto the Hakurei hillside, her shot having thrown her spiralling into the air in the background! "Um…"

I just kinda walk back onto the scene! I have witnessed things, yo…!

Reimu realizes I'm here! "Ah."

...Marisa grins at me. "He don't look too tangled up about it."

"If I remember correctly, America has lots of guns." Sakuya hints at me being familiar with this sort of thing…!

"Usually people don't freakin' get their _skulls shattered_ right in front 'a us!" I give her a grin! "And the whole world's got a lot more guns at this point, I think." Also, video games. Even still, video game carnage _really doesn't prepare you_ for seeing it _actually_ happen. There's an element of like, 'a boy actually just fucking died' there.

"I'm sorry you had to see that…" Reisen apologizes to me! "Rei- Reimu, we could've just… knocked him out and then killed him, if we had to."

"Same difference." Reimu waved her idea off. "...Besides. This is more honest about it."

...Still grinning, Marisa points at me! "So don't go gettin' no funny ideas, now!"

 _Thwack_. Reimu clonked her friend on the head with her gohei! "He doesn't need to think we're _ruthless murderers_ , here."

"Oof…" Marisa rubbed her _poofy hat_. "Yeah- I know, I'm just _playin'_. That guy showin' no remorse after just killin' fake Reisen really didn't help, though!"

"Yeah, that was the moment I felt uncomfortable about him being _alive._ " Reimu lets us in on her thought process…!

Huh. Yeah. That was a pretty reasonable reason to blow up a boy, I guess. Pretty surreal to see it just _happen_ , but this is also Gensokyo, and apparently following _the rules_ is a big thing. Even so, they're not like… _hard rules to follow_ , or anything. Don't be an asshole! Well- actually, you kind of get a license to be an ass… just don't be an all-encompassing or mean spirited asshole!

"Hoh." I'm vaguely indifferent…!

…

After a moment, Marisa begins to lumber back to the shrine. "Let's break open the spirits, ze~!"

"Wha- hey…!" Turning around, Reimu casually darts after her!

...Also, there's still that big, rickety hovercraft above the shrine. Are… we going to do anything about that?

"Are you not offput?" Sakuya's next to me, now!

...I shrug at her. "Ah, probably not." Honestly, if killing a dumbass means this place can stay unimpeded by the shitty real world, I don't care. That, and the guy was a dumbass, so freakin'... too bad so sad. Didn't know anything about the boy!

"...Hmm." She accepts this!

Setting her _huge anti-tank rifle_ aside, Reisen starts to float up. "I'm gonna get that _thing_ out of here. You guys can clean up the crates."

Oh, right, Reisen shot some metal crates down. The shrine's roof has dents in it…

…

Me and Sakuya step up to the crate that bounced onto the front lawn.

...Taking out some of her silver knives, she moves to undo the lock on the front. "Hrmm…"

Appearing across the entire shrine yard, she reels both arms back-

 _Woosh!_ Throwing them down, she sends a vertical spread of five knives roaring towards the crate's front, glaring streams of light in their wake-

 _KRANG- BANG!_ Woah!

Upon impact with the front, they like _smashed_ the bar lock, although the knives proceeded to bounce off after that.

...The doors slowly swing open on their own-

"honh honh honh honh" Fluffles tumble out from within, enmasse! Woah…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"...What." Remilia was waist deep in fluffles.

We're back in the mansion, now! Also, the dust friends followed us back.

They've all congregated on the dining room floor, and are now snuggling amongst one another in a great fluff dust bath.

"The one who committed the incident was smuggling fluffles." Sakuya explained to her mistress. "Among some scantily-clad fairies, and materials no longer present on the outside."

Yeah. We found _naked slave trade fairies_ , and _rocks_. The fairies really didn't care though, but the rocks were pretty upset. They're too strong to express themselves though, dude…!

...Aw. Some of them scurried up to me. They're _really small_...

"Hi." Friends. "...Do you sell _stuff?_ "

...One of them began biting at the air, using its shell nose to do so, since its mouth was just a decal.

Guess that's a no.

Reimu an' Marisa… are not here! They stayed behind at the shrine, and I decided to go back with Sakuya 'cause y'know… might as well not abandon what I've got goin' here. That, and maybe saner fairies are better to be around.

...Slowly, the fluffles begin climbing Remilia. After a moment, she's almost engulfed completely.

…

 _Fwoof_. She expands her wings and makes them flap once. All the fluffles are blown off of her, skidding and being thrown some distance away. "Sakuya, cage them."

 _Clang!_ Within a second, there's a really big cage along the room's side, all the fluffles in the room stuffed inside it. It's more mesh like than bar-like, so that the fluffles wouldn't slip out.

"Good." Dusting herself off, Remilia steps up to the cage. "...Say what you will about the other _genres_ of pests, these are quite _annoying_. I cannot even detect them, due to their lack of _being alive_ , among other notable qualities."

...Fluff nuggets.

"help"

"im soft"

"Waaa~l!" They let out dusty noises, as they wiggled about and traversed over one another inside of their cage, getting it dustier…

"Fluffle _imprisonment…!_ " I narrate on the event!

"Quite…" Smirking, Remilia begins to turn-

"Curiouser and curiouser."

...Oh, it's Alice, standing behind us.

"You're _still_ here…" Brows furrowed, Remilia addresses her. "For what reason?"

"Patchouli and I have been examining the transition of the fairies." Alice explains. Ah, that makes sense… "Also, those things." She points at the _hell in a cell_ of dust friends.

"Ah." Remilia sees no fault in that. "...Well, carry on, I suppose."

Then, Remilia freezes, snapping herself around in a blur-

"And even curiouser, still!" Tha~t's a different voice!

I whirl around, too-

" _What_ are _you_ doing here?" Remilia glares up at the form 'a Yukari Yakumo…!

Oh, shit, that's Yukari! ...She's pretty tall!

She's got this purple an' white dress, and _long blonde hair,_ and _big boobs._ And purple eyes-

"Oh, I've just come to examine some _anomalies,_ myself." She carelessly smiles ahead at the fluffle palooza. "These past few days have been busy, busy, busy~, you know?"

"...I'd _imagine_." Remilia begins stepping back into the dining room's midst. "Between the fairies, the fluffles…"

"Also, him!" Yukari points at _me!_

"Naturally." Remilia nods plainly.

...I look for Alice, but she's already wandered off, not willing to deal with Yukari! Aaa~h!

"Hello, hello!" Turning to me, Yukari holds out a hand!

She probably knows I'm a _western dude_ , from the land of ten gallon six shooters.

...Reaching forward, I shake her gloved hand- Oo~h, that's a grip…!

Letting my hand go, she brings her arms behind her back. "I don't recall seeing you around these parts. No, not at all." Daa~h… "Now _where_ did you come from?"

"Home." I give the good answer.

"Excellent." If she was dissatisfied, she didn't express it, smiling jovially! "Well, you don't seem to be causing too much of a fuss. I have _more pressing_ matters to attend to… but I thought it polite to give you a nice greeting. Why, it's almost like you've been here before, even!" Yeah, yeah, you know more than you should, don'cha…!?

"I like structures." I don't feel like breaking to people that Touhou is a game that exists!

...Giving me a puzzled grin at my statement, Yukari begins to _walk off normally, yo_. "I'll be seeing you around, I suppose. Be mindful of the fairies." Ooo!

...I glance back at Remilia, then at Yukari-

Yukari's gone…!

"Refrain from molesting the outsider." Remilia spoke into the air. "And _keep out_ , while you're at it. Nosy woman."

...Looking out the window, Remilia huffed, arms on her hips. "Now, then. I should be able to catch a quick nap before the sun sets…"

Ooo. A quick nap, huh…

She begins stepping away. "Do what you will, boy. You shouldn't need anymore hand holding, with things returning to the way they were."

I see~!

With that, Remilia steps out of the room.

…

I look back at the writhing fluff cage! They're disgruntled and snuggly, dude…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

It is ti~me to wander the mansio~n!

Moving into the manor's halls from the dining room… I pick a direction and go!

Ho ho.

With a more proper moment, I look over the scarlet halls. The carpets are scarlet, the wallpaper is scarlet… the _furniture_ is scarlet.

The _paintings_ are of Remilia Scarlet.

Hell, even some of these vases are freakin' scarlet! Aaa~h!

I come up to a couch with some fairies _scrubbing_ it. Aw…

"C'mo~n…" A cream-haired maid has a focused expression as she really works that fabric! "C'mo~n…!"

"Marble-chan…" A brown-haired maid with bobby hair next to her sighs. "Why _did_ we piss on the couches…?"

So that _really_ happened. Ech…!

"Um…" 'Marble-chan' looks back at her. "Y'know, I dunno!" She looks _happy_ about that, too, that's the scary part!

"Hi, friends." Let's mingle like minglers, dude.

...The fairies glance at me, before going back to scrubbing the couch. Well, that's better than getting raped!

Ignoring them, I continue ahead into the boundless halls, yo…

After some moments, I come to an intersection, where a whole bunch of fairies are chit chatting!

That brown-haired one that wanted sake the other day is talking plainly. "Hey- you know, I was wondering…"

A different, tall and pastel-green haired fairy spoke to her equally pastel friends of different shades! "Yo- you know… that… wasn't bad."

"Dial-chan…" A purple-haired maid was speakin', too! "Let's go cuddle." Aw.

"A- ah…" Dial-chan locked up! She was a blonde-haired fairy, and really cuddly looking.

...As I navigate past the now idle fairies-

Aw, _yo._ Koi, Namori, and Komi are ahead, talking amongst themselves…

"Tha- that…" Namori- is she just _rubbing her crotch_. "I want to feel that, again."

"You guys were fun!" Koi leans back lazily, her chest bouncing with her movements. "Except for you, Komi-chan. You were a huge bitch."

"When am I _not_ a huge bitch." Komi gave her a flat stare…!

...As I progressed by them-

"I- it's that boy…!" Namori points at me!

...So I kinda idly, smugly _turn to them_ -

Koi's drifted up to me, her arms under her cleavage. "He~y. Wanna fuck?" What.

"He's not going to sit down and listen if you're _that_ much of a slut." Komi spitefully glares at her friend, as she marches up to me, too. Daa~h…

"Aw~, c'mon…" Focusing on me again, she begins to drift closer. "I'll let you shove your head in my brea~sts, mister…"

...Mind the fairies, were the words of Yukari. Did she mean avoid!? Did she want me to fuck them!? Is it _hip_ to _fuck fairies!?_

Nah, this is… _too good_ to be true.

"Yeah, sorry, um…" Let's… not.

Pouting-

 _Woosh!_ Koi thrusts herself towards me, but I nearly fall outta the way! "Woah, no!"

" _Koi!_ " Komi yells out! "Sit your slut ass down!"

"No~!" Koi sticks her tongue out at her! "Make me~!"

 _Woosh!_ Snapping into a flying kick-

 _Bam!_ Komi hits her in the stomach!

" _Oof!_ " ...Cringing, Koi slowly flipped over in the air, and began lowering towards the floor. "Go- goodbye…"

"Koi-cha~n…" With a pensive expression, Namori moves towards her friend's side…

...With that, Komi drifts towards me briskly-

She grabs onto the sides of my arms with hers. "Hey, _boy._ "

This is not much less assertive than Koi's shit…! "...Yeah, hi."

...She smacks her black lips, grey eyes staring into mine. "You're _mine._ "

...I blink. "No?"

"Fuck." Frowning, she tilts herself and her head forward-

I tilt my head away so she only nails my _cheek_ instead-

"Mmh…" She presses her face into the side of mine, black lips kissing my cheek-

"Mwah." Parting, she glares. "Come the _fuck on-_ "

"That i~s very alright!" I'm spooked, dude! Time to-

She gets closer! "Just _give in!_ " She tries to grapple me-

I poke 'er in the boob! "Yo!"

" _Eeh!_ " She flinches, arms popping up-

I turn and awkwardly gait down the hall, 'cause that was a _stimulating series of events_. "Wohahaha! I can fly~ ever free~!"

"Slut bo~y!" She called me a slut, dude! "I'll make you my stool yet!" You better mean _footstool_ and not _stool stool_. The first one is a _maybe_ , and the second one is some serious _nope_ shit…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I have no idea what time of day it is in here. Considering- oh, right, clocks. I'm silly, yo.

...There's no clocks in the halls, for some demented reason. Maybe the fairies kept fucking them.

Let's open random doors, and try and find out what time it is!

...After moving down the hall a little, I take the first door on the right!

...Ooo. It's a _long room_. No one seems to be here right now. The beds're all arranged against the back wall in a very economic fashion. It's the _fairy barracks_ , dude.

On the right, there's a dresser next to a window. Just outside is a fun looking pine tree…

...This room has a clock! A _grand dad_ clock!

I hustle up to it, and gaze up…

Three in the afternoon. Hmm. Actually, y'know, I should be finding more equips or ways to not die, while I'm here. Maybe those fairies will start trying to rape me again, or something. And, I sure as hell won't get anywhere outside if I can't resist fairies snapping my spine in two!

Maybe there's something in this room, dude!

Swinging open the dresser near where I came in, I looked inside…!

Hmm. Maid outfits. Who'd've _guessed_.

"Nngh…" I start pushing the dresser out of the way…!

And, behind it is…!

...Bending down, I pick up a dusty comb.

Wow, cool loot. Reeling my arm back, I toss it across the room like a shuriken!

 _Clack_. It hits the wall, before flopping to the floor.

S'there anything under the beds!?

Crouching down, I peer under the bed nearest the window!

...There's a _wrench_ , here. I'm too lazy to grab it!

There's some _boxes_ under the next bed, so I gotta get up and move around it to peer under the next ones.

Again, I crouch down and peer under the third bed down-

A fairy maid crawls out. What. "Nngh…" She struggles against the carpet, before emerging in front of me. She was really petite, short, and had long pink hair…

"Wow." I stand up. "You're cuddly, friend."

...She responds by looking even more cuddly. "Oh, hey." Yeah, hey.

...Well, that's that fairy maid discovered.

While she stretches and wakes up and is just fluffy, I continue to look around. Maybe I should check one of those boxes under that one bed.

Rotatin' around it unnecessarily, I crouch down and slide out a box!

...It was more like it was _gift-wrapped_ , in all pink with some tiny white flowers on it. Why.

Ri- rip, rip- rip! I just tear it open like a douchebag! And, inside…

Packaging peanuts. That seems a little _modern_ , I'm gonna say. What's even _in here_ , this box is light as shit.

After digging for a bit…! Ah.

I've found an _orange_. It's kinda new looking, too. One orange.

"Do you like it?"

What…!? There's a voice from behind me!

Whippin' my head around-

Hands cover my eyes, dude. "Guess who~!"

...Well. Considering I've like, never heard your voice before, this is going to be hard. "... _Gerald._ "

"No~." Yeah, yo. Man, I thought that was it for sure.

"Spootanoota." Aaa~h!

"Hehehe~!" She likes that, apparently! "No!"

"Fluffy." Yeah, I'm out of ideas.

"No~pe." Freakin' fluffmania, dude. I do not know the answer to this question! "I'll give you a hint…!"

Yeah, I could use it! "Sure."

"...It's Hana!" Oh. That's less of a hint, and more like, _the_ answer!

The pale hands're taken off of my face…!

I rotate around-

That _cyan-haired maid_ who's been stalking me every night was there! Yo ho ho~!

"It's you!" I point at 'er!

"It's me!" She leaps back a little!

"Why'd ya stalk me!?" I point at 'er summore! Take that!

"Your hair is fluffy." She addresses my poofy hair. "I like you." Oh. Well, that answers everything, yo.

"I was shy before, but now I'm not!" She's a real happy sorta fairy! "Can we cuddle?"

...Well, that's pretty straight forward! "Maybe later, yo." Mind the fairies, son…! Anyway-

" _Raa~h!_ " Oh, shit- a fairy leapt out of the box fulla' packaging peanuts! She's got _scarlet hair_ and some _chicken wire!_

Awkwardly tripping out of the box, she thrusts both arms at me repeatedly in a choking motion…! Aaa~h! She's gonna strangle my ass, dude!

Quickly- the sack 'a miracles, draw a thing!

Reaching into my bag, I take out my regular plant hanger, and freakin-

 _Thunk!_ I _hit 'er_ -

" _Ha ha~!_ " Oh- shit, she's fallen onto me! Mayday, mayday-

"I wanna join!" Hana jumps onto us! Aah-

Oof!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

It's later in the day! A lot of the fairies around here ironically want nothing to do with me.

"Mangos are pretty good _too_ …" Hana's just been following me around the entire time, though. She's cuddly. "But I like oranges better!"

"S'good…!" She's chatty! I'm not sure when we started talking about _fruit_ , but we are!

"...What's _your_ favorite food?" Aw. She's actually asked for my input!

"Food." Hoh. Actually, lemme think about it…

"I like food." She agrees! Freakin'... lemme _answer_ ya!

"Pro~bably pizza." I decide. It's very not good for you, but it's fun.

Oh, yeah, where we are. We're currently in like some kind of a _clearing_ in the midst of the manor, where a few halls intersect.

There's a statue in the middle here, of a spear. It might be of Gungnir, specifically. This room's got no deviating doors, but it's taller than some others in this place!

...Hana stopped to consider my answer. "Oh, yeah! That cheese stuff! It's _alright…_ " Only? Oof. "I don't like… things that are _made_." Hoh.

"Things that're _made_ , huh." What's up with this statue…!? I feel like it's _hiding something_ , dude. I can't be arsed to figure out what, though.

"Yea~h." She nods in confirmation, yo.

...I jump onto the stone platform the statue's on! "I'm gonna figure out the secret, dude!"

"Ooo~!" Hana's excited by this! "I _like_ secrets!" Yeah, dude!

…

Then I leap off, 'cause I dunno what to do from there! "I dunno what it is, yo."

Suddenly, I hear heavy footsteps. Oo~h…

...Lookin' up at one of the deviating halls-

A towering, tan fairy maid lumbers out, her hair brown and hey eyes _mean_. "Can't _fucking_ believe…"

"Hello~!" I gamble on her being friendly! "Do you know the secrets of these halls, friend?"

...Looking over at me, she narrows her eyes. "I'll fucking _break you_." Oh. Guess not…!

"Rela~x, Gan-chan!" Hana steps out, and holds up a hand! "We're looking for fruit!" We were?

" _You're_ a fruit." Shaking her head, 'Gan-chan' continues to stomp ahead, ignoring us.

Man. Fairy maids have variety to their ranks…!

...Turning to me, Hana starts tugging me by the hand! "Let's go find more fruit!"

"Wha- why…!?" I mean, I guess it's something to do…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

It's past eleven, and my strength… is fading…!

We have constructed… a _fort_ , of _tables and couches_ , in the midst of the hallway outside my room, yo.

Inside, Hana freakin'... messily tore into an orange that we'd thefted from the kitchen. "Mmh- mnh…" Crunch, crunch, son. "Sh' 'oo~d!"

"We are ready… to survive the night!" I decide! We've built a _wall_ around our front and back, son. It's a beautiful wall.

...It's a little chilly. Aw, you know what'd warm us up, yo? With the candle light that's eternally lit in the halls, I get an idea…!

Standing up, I call out for help! "Sakuya~! I need _tendi~es!_ " Wahaha~!

...Y'know, I doubt she'll answer-

There's a knock at the front of the table fort I've made.

"What have you done." Sakuya stares at the mess dryly…! "What _is this_."

"Home." I have made home. Standing up, I move to accept the plate of tendies. I contemplate freaking out and knocking them out of her hands, but I think I'd die, so I won't.

...Eyebrows raised as she scans the mess, she holds out the plate of tendies. "You're fortunate I'm also running morning errands for the Mistress."

Morning? "S'not _morning_ , though…" I protest…

"It's morning for the unwaking." Sakuya gets needlessly poetic! "Here."

I take the tendies. "Get outta my room, mom, I'm playing _Minecraft_ on _XBOX!_ "

...She slowly furrows her brows-

"Also, thank you!" I crouch back down behind the tables…!

...I think she's gone, dude.

Hana crawls out from under some tipped over couches we had inside our fort. "Is Chief gone…?"

"Yeah, dude." I dip a tendie in ketchup. "Tendie, dude-"

She knocks it out of my hand! " _Nooo~!_ " Reeeee~!

Aw. I just reee'd internally, dude…!

...Hana casually resumes eating her _assorted fruit_. I dip another tendie in ketchup, and freakin'... _eat it_.

Also, shit, this is good. I blame Sakuya.

…

"Mmm…" I nod. Chicken _nuggets_ … "S'good…"

Hana's already finished, in fact, multiple oranges. "Ooo…" Ooo ooo, ooo. Ye.

Aw, let's revert to primal communication, dude! "Ooo, ooo, ooo." I communicate with my fairy friend…!

...She smiles at me! "Ooo!"

The tendies are all almost gone…

"May I partake in one?"

...Looking up, I see Yukari leaning out of a gap, rapping her fingers on the carpet before us.

" _Aa~h!_ " Hana _yells!_ "We've been _invadatrated!_ " Oh, shit, son!

Holding up a banana she took, Hana lobbed it at 'er like a boomerang at point blank-

Pap. The banana _bounces off 'er_ , making her poofy hat slide back on her head a little. "Oh, hush…" Dryly, she holds up a hand-

 _Ka- cling!_ Loud clinging noise! And…

Hana ceases to move. Like, entirely. She's frozen in time…!

...After that, the gap youkai reached forward, and stole one of my tendies.

"Reeeee~!" I inform her of her _heinous error!_ Never talk to me or my wife's son ever again…!

"It's one or two years too early for _those_ jokes." Yukari has mastered the art of speaking clearly while chewing food. "Not that you'd typically have the internet access to locate them in the first place. Ho hum."

"Yeah, _yo._ " The sooner we get off that topic, the better, probably! "So what're ya doin' here?" I kinda wanna cease to exist in a few seconds, until sunrise.

"Oh, I just wanted to _catch up,_ I suppose, with our latest outsider." Yukari reasoned, flicking the _tendie crumbs_ from her glove by rubbing her fingers together…! "Maybe… play a boardgame, or so."

So you're _bored_. "Sure, yo."

I scoot my plate of tendies to the side-

A chess board lowers from a gap, resting before us! "Alright…" Propping her arms on the carpet, Yukari lied on her stomach to play the _chess_ , half or more of her inside a gap. "You may go first."

Yeah, yo. I'm gonna lose this no matter what…!

I slide my pawn forward… and this isn't gonna be one of those works where I freakin' relay the board's numbers and letters to you! Too complicated for my _tiny mind_ , dude!

"You've chosen an _interesting_ genre of weapons…" Yukari immediately takes out a knight. Aw, shit.

"Yeah, _dude_." I advance _anotha'-_ nope, actually, I take out a knight, too. Little did you know, yo! "Plant hangers are mightier than any blade!"

"I'd like to see you tell Youmu that." Yukari gives me a smirk, as she slides a pawn out to release her rook!

I snort, and- hold on, the first pawn I moved's gonna be in the way of her knight in _two turns_. I move it a space ahead!

She moves the knight past it, placing it next to it. "You've also seem to have a thing for stealing women's clothing."

"It's warm, and soft." I justify my thievery. "They can have it back when I'm dead, yo!" Reimu's also got like _ten outfits_ in there, and plenty of bindings. And, now to move another knight out to counter that night-

She slides her knight into the space my first pawn used to be, _just_ too far for my line of pawns to rape it. "...I won't disagree." She smiles down at the board.

Freakin'...

My knight's also ironically _not_ in a position to get hers. Somehow. I guess I'll move it… back into its first spot-

Yukari's knight ends up right inside where my first pawn used to be, safe from being touched by literally everything due to its position. Ah, fuck. This has already gone horribly wrong!

"This would normally be Shogi." Yukari explains to me… "However, I have a feeling you wouldn't know how to play it."

Shogi…? The fuck is-... Is it the one with the stones, or the buncha tiny wooden tags with characters on 'em? Wait, the stones one is _Othello_. I don't know how to play either!

"Man…" Guess I'll move a pawn out so I can actually decompress everything! "People like, call this one of history's first strategy games, but…"

"Among the more simple-minded, perhaps." Yukari considered aloud. "There is strategy."

"There's _some_ strategy and psychology, but…" I scratch my cheek. "It kinda falls at the wayside when you know _every possible algorithm_ , or at least all the useful ones, to turn a situation around." Chess comes across more like memorization-mania at higher tiers, and I'm not really down with that!

"Fufufu…" Yukari smirks, brieflying shielding her face with a _hand_. "Indeed. Among a number of youkai, Chess isn't very depthful or engaging, for long. It lacks the nuances of realistic strategic planning… and while there's some things to think about symbolically, you know, the same could be said of _anything_ of the sort."

After I moved my pawn to let my bishop free, Yukari's knight immediately ate the bishop. Freakin'...

"Yeah." I nod! "I just never liked Chess, because actual like… in-the-moment _skill_ falls to the wayside. I mean, knowledge and memorization is _part_ of the battle, but in the case 'a Chess, it's the _entire_ battle. That's _lame_."

I move a pawn to try and freakin'... bait the _horse_ into taking it-

Yukari moves it back into the same safe spot it had before. Whelp. Not that I could attack it _anyway_ , unless we were using backwards pawn rules, which I don't think we are. Chess has a lot of fucked up rule variants!

"Mmm~..." She nods down at the board. "It's a game that's very into itself, by comparison to others."

...Hey, that reminds me! "You ever read a work or watched a show that was like, 'ooh you can tell your opponent's personality by how they play chess'?"

"Fufufu…" Yukari considers this! "I suppose I've seen that trope before. Well, it lets you know how meticulous they are about Chess, for one thing."

Aw, good. Hmm. That may or may not mean a lot, depending on the time period. It also might be completely unreliable. A lot of generals probably suck shit at Chess, and a lot of people who aren't generals are Chess _gods_. Therefore, it doesn't really help…!

"Seems more like, coincidental. To them actually being good strategy enemy people." I decide, as I move a pawn to get my queen out to do something…

"Mmm." Yukari agrees! "It was vaguely more meaningful back when it was one of few forms of entertainment for ruling classes. Now, in the age of even the most poor having the free time to study it, it's entirely meaningless."

Her knight… does not assassinate the lonesome pawn. Instead, she brings out her _rook._ Ah, geez…

This is how it always ends when I fight the computer. They rape my entire army with one knight, and then by the time I kill it, I'm freakin' _boned_. It's like trial and error as to what specific configuration I have to do against someone who knows absolutely every in and out. That's why Chess is a test of how much you've studied Chess rather than freakin' anything else.

"Chess is really trial and error…" I remark, as I bring my queen out menacingly to watch over the battlefield…!

"Is learning anything not similar, to respects?" Raising a brow, Yukari began moving that rook to snipe my pawn…

I slide my queen out specifically in line with the pawn to stand vigil! "Yeah, but like… some games can be real simple, and it's more about how well you move or how fast you think in the moment, amidst other things. Other strategy games are about like… more common and meaningful concepts like resource management, and more, like… _instanced_ scenarios, rather than how the _entire game_ will play out from one point... algorithmically."

...After a moment, I finish answering Yukari's question! "Chess's learning is more, like ya said, rooted in itself. Positioning's a _thing_ but it kinda falls short of just, specifically knowing what combinations in mathematics would get a win. It's all really optimized too far for _me_ to care."

"...To you, this is mostly true." Yukari gives me a nod, as she slides a pawn forward. Oh, fuck, her bishop's about to eat my pawn. If the pawn goes any further, it's gonna be in trouble, too! And this means the queen can't follow up, or it'd die no matter what!

"For some higher youkai, even modern outside games can fall down to predictable math, raw reaction time or knowledge of a game's inner mechanics. Although, we often have far greater potential than humans; the games weren't engineered for _our_ kind." She gives the board a slow nod…

Hoh. Yeah. Not much to say about that! Sucks to be a greater youkai, dude… or maybe it'd be fun to demolish noobs like that. I dunno, yo. I'm not a _greater youkai._

...I move my queen to try and demolish that knighty horse instead.

And then it jumps and kills the pawn that was previously in range 'a the queen.

Alright, my rook is out! Kinda stuck behind the queen-

That pawn died by a rook!

I move my rook out-

We lost another pawn, to that rook, and now- actually, my queen can take it…!

I _snipe it_ with my queen-

A pawn opens from Yukari's line, daring me access to _her_ queen…

...So I advance my queen back a space-

Her bishop takes it.

"Son." I've not taken a freakin'- oh, right, I took out _one_ rook, for half my army. I think I'm fucked.

...I give 'er a tired _stare_. I'm pretty conked, now…!

"What do you say we call this my win?" She gives me a smarmy _wink_ , yo.

" _Sure._ " Ran has the power of a freakin' _supercomputer_. I think I'm the _last_ person worthy to challenge that freakin' Deep Blue AI to a Chess competition. I say this because Ran and Yukari surely share some kinda _dimension-link_ with one another. I read it on Fanfiction dot net, so it must be true!

"Good ga~me." She snaps her fingers-

The board falls into a void. Aa~h!

"It has been a pleasure." She starts crawling back into her gap, which slowly began to close. "Nighty ni~ght."

"How can ya sleep knowin' ya _broke_ this boy, dude!?" I yell at her as she leaves!

" _Fufufu~..._ " Her laugh echoes throughout the hallway as the gap closes. Yeah, real funny!

…

 _Clink!_ Hana blinks, her time resumed. "...Wha' happen?"

...Aw. Now I get to finish the tendies, dude!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

…

Where… the hell did I sleep…

Oh, right, carpet. That's why I feel like I slept on a _carpet._ 'Cause I _did_. It was easy, though, 'cause I was _tired_ after that _Chess title bout_ with Yukari.

Feels like we played Jumanji, though…! An' all my clothes are still on, which is a _good sign_.

There's someone _on_ me… daa~h…

Cyan hair. It smells _nice_ , too. Like _oranges_.

We're snuggled up together under the tilted over couches, hidden within our _fortress of solitude_. I don't _remember_ snuggling up with her, but you know… she's warm, and _not necessarily petite_. Soft things press against my chest.

I really notice her wings, now. They're all tilted back so as to not get in the way. I'm bein' used as a body pillow, apparently…

Well, I didn't wake up to getting my _brains fucked out_ , so I'm pretty content.

...I can't really get comfy again 'cause _carpet_ , but… well, I guess this _is_ comfy-ish. Fairy girls are _soft_ , holy shit…

...I begin to reach my arms around to hug her closer-

"Mnh…" She's waking up…!

Oh, hi. Her eyes start to blink open…

"Maauu~..." She _yawned_ , dude.

...Oh, boy. That _breath!_ Oh man, that's a _reminder_. It was sorta… _stuffy_ , for some reason, but also smelled like fuckin' vape pens. And I _know_ that's not a thing in Gensokyo! A real sorta chemical, sickly flavored smell. Brief passes of it're fine, but being in a _room_ of vape smell? Fuck ri~ght off.

Thankfully, her morning breath is brief! "...Morni~ng…" She gives me a good morning, dude.

"...Hi." I'm surprised nothing beyond cuddling has happened. I mean… right now, I wouldn't be _opposed_ -

"What's your name…?" Hana gives me a tired smile.

Oh, yeah, good. We somehow missed that! "... _Brad_." I inform her, at last…!

Unconditional cuddling feels good. I feel loved, even if it's by a fairy I've literally known for a day.

She presses her cheek to mine! "Brad-ku~n…" Aa~h.

I let myself just sink into the freakin' carpet. I'm _especially_ lazy about undoing this situation since I just woke up. Too comfy, too _new_ and too _good_.

…

For some reason, she's rather wholesome about this whole thing! That's convenient, but also mildly disappointing! Not sure if I wanna blame the T-rating, or if she's just a particularly innocent- or perhaps naive- fairy.

But, despite what my _body says_ , I am not quite ready to get my brains lewded out by cute fairies. Well, maybe, but also not. I like being _whole_ about this Gensokyo business, and not in itty bitty euphoric pieces. Maybe if everything goes to shit, though!

…

"Mmnh…" Hana tugs herself closer into me. Woa~h…

Staring back up at the _tilted sofa backings_ past her, I let myself sink…

…

 _Thu- thud, thud!_ Someone's pushing our walls over! Hoh, shit…!

...Oh, hey, it's Remilia.

Thud. She tips our roof sofas over, revealing us.

"A- aah…" Hana kinda stares up at her…!

"Enjoying our _pleasant_ staff?" She gives us a wry stare…! "I'd figured it only a matter of time, before they wormed their way into your meek heart."

Yeah, yeah. "Aa~h." I let out a _noise_ , dude.

"Well, don't mind me." She continues to step over to our back barricade-

 _Thu- thu, thud._ -bowling though it effortlessly. "You two continue to enjoy one another. You _will_ miss the worker's breakfast, if you don't hurry."

Oof. Not the _worker's breakfast,_ dude.

"Ah…!" Raising off of me, Hana's actually alerted into action! "I want foo~d…!"

...Once she tumbles off of me, I just kinda… lie there. Yo~...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I walked into the dining room, seeing the usual familiar faces. Fluffy fairies, and fluffy _friends_. I think Remilia just went to _bed_ though, 'cause it's morning…

"Let's sit there…!" Hana points to a seat!

There's also a _lotta_ fairies, here…!

"No~! Do- don't- nyahaha~nh…!"

"Are you _fucking serious!?_ "

"Let's be friends…"

"You _stink!_ "

"That was _mean!_ "

"Hahaha~!"

"Lightingbolt- _lightningbolt- lightningbo~lt_ hehahaha~h!"

They're all _demented_ , and varying degrees of sexy, barring a few of them due to personal interests, and the _sheer insanity_ some of them exhibit.

I've found my people, dude.

Hana drags me by the hand, lugging me over to one of the seats…

She ends up taking me near this pink-haired fairy that was in that one room the other day. Komi's on the left of Hana's seat…

We sit down!

"Hey, Komi-chan!" Hana knows her!

"Fuck you." Oh. Komi apparently doesn't know her…!

"Hehehe~!" Hana seems to not give any fucks…!

...Aw. My plate has a _real, fluffy_ waffle on it. And some _milk_ to go with it. Does Gensokyo even have cows? Wait. Cow _girls._ Oh my go~d!

...There's the scent of breakfast stuffs, and then the scent 'a _perfume_. There's a lot of both…!

Hana's got an array of fruits on her plate, apparently. Other fairies're having cereals, or _toast_ , or other things…

Oh, hey! Patchy's picking another chair across but not too far from me…!

...She seems to almost warily sit between two fairies, brows furrowed and a hand near her head-

 _Splat!_

...She stops a whole pie from striking her with a barely luminescent barrier of magic. "Sakuya~."

 _Pi~chun!_ The yellow-haired fairy that tossed it was instantly removed from reality. "My apologies, lady Patchouli." Sakuya bowed next to her.

"There is nothing to apologize for." Getting comfy in her chair, Patchy exhales. "Fairies will be fairies. I had set that one particularly off the other day, for breaching my peace."

"Mmm." Rising, Sakuya begins to step off. "You all behave."

" _Yes, chief!_ " There's a mix of salutes, both verbal and gesturally!

I start eating my fluffy waffles…

Everyone's quieter now, after Sakuya's statement and presence, leaving us to eat in hushed silence.

…

" _Aaaa~h!_ " Someone screams!

The low murmur of fairy chatter immediately erupts into a loud hum again…!

...Patchy gives the loud fairies near her _dour stares_.

"So- there I fuckin' was, right…!?" This fairy with _neon red hair_ , done up in a long ponytail, was talking with her beige-haired friend. "I was runnin' along, ready ta fuckin' clean her _clit_ , an' then- like, all've a sudden-...!"

Patchy holds a hand out, a faint blue aura encapsulating the fairy's head.

After a second, the fairy stopped making noise, but she kept talking, pancake particles splashing out of her mouth. Y'better eat those pancakes before someone else does…!

"Um…" Her friend held a hand to her mouth!

Hana leans past me! "There's my friend, Love-chan!" She points at the poofy pink fairy next to me. _Love-chan._

...I look over at her, and the fairy just shrinks back. Aw…

"She's shy, sometimes." Hana gives her a smile and a nod… "Oh, and that's lady Patchouli!" Then, she points at Patchy! "Hi~ lady Patchouli~!"

"...Hi." Patchy doesn't bother to wave back…!

"She's _also_ shy." Givin' me a smile, Hana sinks her teeth into a piece of melon on her plate. "...Mh- nfh- nn- nn- nn!" Wat. Anyway- I think Patchy's more _dead inside_ than just shy…!

…

After we've consumed some food, some fairies begin filing out.

"Why can't we just _burn_ the couches…?"

"Mistress is _hiding_ something! We should be _ripping open_ the couches!"

"The truth come out! Does chief is gay…!?"

Patchy's finished her own waffles, and so have I! I think it's time for me to _get rollin'_ soon. On what? I dunno- just _get rollin'!_

"I'm ready to start today…!" Hana slowly rises from her chair, dude.

...Outta the _corner 'a my eye_ , I see Koi gradually stalk around the back of us, making for my chair.

I stand up, turnin' ta her!

"Can I put my rack on your head?" She gives me an innocent smile. "They're tired." What even.

I point at Hana. "Use _her_ head…!" Her head is made for resting racks on!

And then-

Oh, woah! Someone freakin'- what is this!?

Someone put a _thing_ on my head-... oh. _Panties._ What the fuck-

" _Hehehe~!_ " As I turn, I see a fairy flying off through the freakin' _leg holes_ of the yellow panties. Freakin'- it's that marble-haired fairy from earlier…!

I rip 'em off! "Freakin'- _alright,_ noobs! Who's big idea was it!?" I turn around-

Koi's escaped! The scoundrel fairy!

"Hehehe~!" Hana thinks it's funny! "They're just teasing you, Brad-kun." Why _kun_. No one uses -san! And I've _yet_ to see anyone use -sama!

...These panties smell of _vanilla_. I insert them into my empty cup of milk! "Freakin', no, yo! Sakuya, help!"

The cup of milk was replaced with another fake molotov, this one unlit. It's got _chicken nuggets_ smeared on its sides.

"...Okay, _why._ " It takes me a moment to gauge what I'm seeing! "...Your sense 'a humor's _weird_ , dude." I'm not even gonna pick that up!

"I'm more puzzled about the fact you decided to sniff the panties before discarding them." ...The _one time_ Patchy speaks, and it's to freakin' _destroy me_. Oof.

Freakin'... as I slide out of my chair, a short midget fairy walks up to me, and looks up at me. She's got like, bobby blue hair…

I stare down at the three foot tall fairy. "Wow, you're _tiny_ …"

 _Click._ She undoes her belt, and drops her skirt, revealing blue panties.

...I look at Hana. "Your friend's fuckin' _wei~rd, du~de…!"_

She gives me a smile. "That's Skirt-chan." _Skirt-chan!?_ "...She never talks. I think she's _shy._ "

Just dropped her skirt in front of me and you call her _shy_. Also- she's the _only_ fairy with a belt…!

Standing herself, Komi approaches _Skirt-chan_. "Oh, there you go again…"

Kneeling down, she starts lifting Skirt-chan's skirt up for her. "Damn belt didn't do _anything_."

...Skirt-chan just stares idly at Komi as she fixes the fairy's skirt.

 _Click_. Komi reattached the belt!

…

 _Click._ Unbuckling it again, the fairy dropped her skirt.

Komi just _sighs_ , folding her arms.

"Hehehe~!" Hana also thinks this is funny! "Skirt-chan's funny…"

" _You're_ funny." With that, Komi begins to walk off. Hoh…

...I look over at Patchy as she begins to stand. She's _cuddly_ , dude.

"Yo, I should _light_ this!" I regard the molotov loudly! And- lemme grab a _napkin_ before I lift it so I don't get _cold chicken nugget matter_ on my hands…

As I grab the napkin-

The molotov floats up and away, a blue aura around it.

…

" _Ghoo~sts!_ " Holy _shit!_

"Not on my watch." Patchy refuses to let me light it. "For my general health and wellbeing."

Aw. Snuggly…

...Once she drifts off, I think I know our next destination!

Hana puts a hand on my shoulder. "Lady Patchouli's like that, sometimes. She's really soft."

Really soft, huh…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After meandering through the halls for an _indefinite period of time_ , I reach the doors to Patchy's library once more!

They are _still shut_. The hole I mined into them the other day is now _closed_ , grey plaster filling the void I'd slowly whittled into it. Man…

I move to knock-

 _Ti~ng!_ Some _magic barrier bullshit_ reflects my fist. Freakin', why.

"Oh, lemme…" Hana reaches for the handle-

 _Ti~ng!_ She's reflected, too! "Wha~h!?" And she's surprised about it! "Noo~!"

 _Ti- ti- ti- ti~ng!_ She batters the door with her fists, but it doesn't work!

...It's time to yell! "Sakuya~!"

"Chie~f!" Hana yells, too!

…

What. No answer…! They _got her_ , dude!

That's it, yo. Pulling out my plant hanger, I reel it back… and chuck it at the door!

 _Ti~ng!_ Oh, shit-

I duck. The hanger flies over my head…!

Taking out the H2O hanger, I swing it at the door-

 _Splash!_ Water meets the barrier-

 _Ti~ng!_ A~nd water meets _me._ Oof. Freakin' _reflect barriers_ -

Crea~k. The door slowly opens. A fairy maid steps out, except her attire's _new._ Instead've a maid outfit, she's got little boots, and a hard hat. Still got the maid dress, but it's a little more _economic._ As in, less frills, less _poofy stuff_ , s'more fit for like, _work_.

"Hey, hey…" She frowns at the water my hanger's leaking all over the place! "I'll have to clean this rug…"

Cli- cli- click. She tugs a blue bucket with wheels from behind her, which was full 'a brushes and stuff. She's got those yellow kitchen gloves on, and is tuggin' the bucket along by a _mop handle._ Hoh!

"Oo~h!" Hana smiles at her! "Thank you, Janitor-chan!" Why are most of you named very aptly!?

With that, Janitor-chan moved to close the door-

I stuck my _foot_ in it! "Al~right! I'mma just… _put this away._ " I put away the water hanger. "Thanks for lettin' us in, yo!"

...The fairy furrowed her brows. "I dunno if you're supposed to be-"

Hana swings the door open fuller, and barrels past us! "Let's explore!"

...With that, I take off after her, shuttin' the door behind us! Apparently some of the fairies here _do_ work! Or maybe it was just _that one_.

Anyway, library! And… it's _still pretty big._

Honestly, you could probably fit like, half the mansion's exterior in here. So _big!_

Shelves upon shelves, upon shelves upon shelves! _Books._

...I'd start pluckin' out random ones, but I'm scared of that trope where one'd _come to life_ and _eat me_.

"Where should we go…?" Hana stares into the dim sky of the library. Yeah- the ceiling's so high it's got its own dim, dark _atmospheric fog_ up there. Someone turned the FoV down…!

"Let's find the cuddlemuffin." I wanna find Patchy and _snuggle her_ , if not bother her needlessly.

So we march off into the she~lves!

…

Alright, this might… take time.

"Cuddlemuffin…" Hana wants to cuddle a muffin, dude.

A lot of these books just have _no_ bindings. Well- they have bindings, but nothing _on them_. Roman numerals, or just _blank_. Sometimes fancy seams, but nothing useful.

A _select few_ have words… in languages I don't even _recognize_. Pretty sure _Latin's_ in here, too.

 _Thunk._ Nearby, a book slides out from a shelf! Oh, shit, dude! They-

...Gingerly, a fluffle pokes its head out, looking around. Aw.

...Moving up to the dust person, I take it from the shelf.

It's soft, and small. "honh ho hoh" It lets out fluffy coos.

I _nuzzle it_ , dude.

…

"Achoo!" It's _dusty_ …!

"wau" Fluff nugget, dude!

Looking over at Hana, I pass the nugget to her. "Have a _nugget_."

"Ooo~...!" She perks up! "It's so _tiny!_ "

It wiggles in her arms, before getting smooshed into a hug. "help"

 _Dust stuff, son._

" _Again_ …?"

Down the aisle we're in, a woman begins marching up to us…! "...Oo~h. _Hello~..._ "

That _voice_ … who the frik kinda fairy is it this-

I turn, and _wow._

Koakuma struts up to us, her cleavage plain even with her chest fully covered by her formal attire; just a big, soft poof from her curvy chest…

Her eyes meet mine, and she smiles. "It's _you~_..."

...Stro~ng aroma, holy crap. Time to backpedal, and I'm not even close to her…!

"Aww~..." Pouting, she tilts her head at me… "I don't bite."

"Yer rather…" Part of me wants to just _inhale_ , but I don't wanna…! "Ar- _aromatic_."

Hana puts her arms on her hips, still clutching the fluffle with one hand. "He~y. We don't even have any books for you to steal, today."

...Koakuma just gives her a _stare_ , before focusing on me. "I've yet to put on my _limiter_ , for my pheromones." Reaching into her pocket, she draws a small, metal ring. "Would you like me to?"

" _Yes_." I decide…!

She begins to step towards me…! "Rea~lly? You know…"

Spreading her arms, she beckons me. "I'll make you feel _really good_."

Wasn't Koakuma really timid in fanon!? Christ! "That's _cool,_ but I think, ah, no!" Also, don't succubi steal your soul and shit!? Wahaa~h!

...Her eyes narrow. "That wasn't a choice." She continues to step towards me, smirking. "Don't I turn you o~n?"

Reaching into my bag, I draw the H2O hanger…!

As she gets closer-

 _Woosh!_ She slides back out of range with inhuman speed, once I make a clumsy swing. "Fufufu-"

 _Splash!_ Water splashed onto her face!

"Ghah!?" She doubled back from it! "...My- my makeup!" Ooo~! Elemental weakness, son!

"An' there's more where _that_ came from!" I'm about ready to turn around and book it, dude…!

"You~ _fuckhead_ …" Her tone's taken a one-eighty! "Ugh. If you want to remain a _virgin_ so bad, _fine_." Sliding her anti-pheromone ring on, she began to leave-

Then, she paused. "Nngh…" Impatiently, she bended over to pick up the book the fluffle pushed out, before twirling around-

 _Thunk!_ -and smoothly shoving it back into the correct slot. " _There._ Fucking..."

She's got a nice ass. Also, those black stockings…! Holy shit...

With that, she takes into the air and just floats off. Her skirt's a bit long to see up, ironically. I bet her panties are black, anyway.

...Hana looks over at me, from nuzzling the fluffle. "You made the angry person go away!" Yeah, dude! It is fortunate you seem to be totally naive of sexual things! 'Cause I~ am _flustered_ as _fuck_ right now. Koakuma's _absurdly_ hot. That, and pheromones probably had something to do with it.

…

Wait, she was our only way of easily finding Patchy! Aauu~gh!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Oh my go~d.

After stumbling around for _fifteen thousand years_ … we _find 'er_.

She's in a _clearing_. A clearing… _surrounded_ by bookshelves!

To the heart seeking freedom… this clearing is a _prison._ Surrounded by bookshelves!

"And then he _fucked_ up my makeup…" Oh, and Koakuma's here, too. This library might be more bearable if I was literate in every language ever!

"Mmm." Patchy's not really listening to her, reading through a tome at her _desk_.

...You know, suddenly Koakuma's not quite as sexualized as I remember her being. They're big breasts alright, but they're realistic! That, and the ass accent is mostly just 'cause of her suit dress _thing_ , the way it hugs her.

"The _one time_ a boy wanders in…" Folding her arms, Koakuma begins panning her head about-

Then, she sees me! "...There he is, even."

...Patchouli glances up, for only a second. "Oh." Then, she continues reading. Oof.

"Yo ho _ho~!_ " I greet her! "How a~re you? Fine, thank you."

...She just gives me a _stare_ as I approach her big desk of books and doom. "What has _possessed_ you to come out _here._ "

"You're cuddly." I wish to snuggle you.

...Patchy's stare is _jaded_.

Hana walks up to me, and I turn to her. "Gimme the friend, dude."

She hands the fluffle over to me, and I _sniff_ its forehead. "...Aw. It's _sniffable,_ dude."

"Good." With that, she looks back down at her tome. Freakin'...

"You're bothering Patchouli-sama." Marching up to me, Koakuma frowns. "Go be a dumbass somewhere-"

 _Fwoof_. I smack her in the face with the fluffle, swinging it by its tubby torso and hitting her with its poofy head.

...She just looks _flabbergasted_. It was probably like getting hit by a pillow, 'cause fluffles are soft!

"oof" I made it go oof. "no"

...Ho ho ho, son! Lugging it around, I start to navigate around Patchy's desk…!

She notices very quickly that I'm behind it, turning to me. "...You. What're you-"

I hold the fluffle's face close to hers, and let the cute ones duke it out.

...They stare at one another. Patchy blinks.

"Tst!" She _sneezed!_ "Tst- tst!" Awhawhaw~! "Tst- ah- tst!" She swings her hand-

 _FWAM!_ Waa~h! Loud and bright…!

...Some _bright magic_ exploded before us. All it did was push me back, and slide some closed books off her desk.

"Nngh…!" She draws a few tissues from a box nearby, and- "Tst!" -starts doing her tiny sneezes into them!

"You're so _cute!_ " Hana agrees! She rumbles towards Patchy-

"Oof…" Koakuma stops her with an arm, expression dry.

"Tst…" She's closed her eyes for the moment, as she assaults her nose…

...After some moments of her wiggling her nose and looking flustered, she glowers at me.

That was a good idea. "Hi, friend." Man. Patchouli's so _fluffy_.

"If you've time to incessantly _pester me_ …" She don't look happy…! "Perhaps you'd do me the favor of picking up my _prescription_." Oo~h. This Patchy takes _meds_.

"Aw…" My eyes slowly re-adjust to the darkness of the library, after her spell. "Y'want me to pirate _weed_ for you, dude?"

"...What?" Patchy's _actually_ vexed by the terminology.

...Koakuma gives her a grin. "He means Mary Jane."

...Then, Patchy shakes her head. "Pftah. _Marijuana._ I thought I'd said _medicine,_ not _poison_. Less than that, even; that smoke may as well be an attempt on my life."

Yeah, I never tried it! I'd imagine the smoke would fuck Patchy's day up, though. Freakin'... while it's not _tobacco_ , it's still something I'm better off without. Waste 'a money, waste of _life_ …!

"Ten thousand yen." Patchy places _cold hard cash_ on the desk. "This fills the cost of my prescription in full. You're to take it to Eientei, and my prescription will be filled at the front desk there."

Uuh. "...How'm I supposed to get through the bamboo?" I know of that forest! It's not a kind one!

...Pausing, she just searches my form, briefly. "...Who told you? And yes, I have just the thing, for that."

 _Click_. She places a compass on the desk. There's only one color for the whole needle, and it's _purple_. "Magical compass. Has Eientei's coordinates in it. Ask for someone to escort you out of the woods on the way back; I'm sure you can find _the_ _mansion_ from there."

Aa~h. So I guess that covers navigation…

Also, I navigated the bamboo forest during the incident! ...Although, it was more like Marisa lugged me around while the forest exploded, so I guess that still wouldn't justify me knowing that it's a maze.

But, you know… "What if something _eats me_?" I hold my arms out! I'm pretty sure ambient youkai are a problem!

...She just gives me a stare. "Assemble a team. If you go alone, you're too stupid to live." Oh. "Or armed well. I'm sure you know what to do, having lived this long." Ahah…

"Assemble a team, huh…" I _ponder this_ , 'cause it's worth _pondering_. Hand to the chi~n! "Do I just talk to them, or…"

...Pausing, Patchy looks away, briefly. "One moment."

Sliding a drawer of her desk open, she digs into it. "Hrrm…"

She draws a deck of cards, before popping it open, and splaying them out on the desk. "Here…"

One by one, she carefully draws a pentagram on three cards. Even more carefully, she seems to inscribe something in delicate, precise strokes along the edges of this pentagram…

...Geez. I feel like I gotta hold my breath!

...Oh. Hana's like, being _restrained_ by Koakuma, some feet away. Ho ho!

"Here." She passes the cards to me. "This will bind three fairies of your choosing to aid you for this task. They will find themselves unable to refuse."

Ooo~. "How's that work…?" They like, familiar contracts, or some shit…?

"It's part of Remi's domination over the property." Patchy summarized. "...We don't typically use a system so _manual_ \- as making these cards takes time and tedium, but it's available to us."

Huh. Takin' the cards, I look 'em over. The ink Patchy's written on 'em starts to glow… "How do I, ah, use 'em?"

"Walk up to fairy, command them." ...Oh. That's pretty simple! "Go crazy. But not too crazy… I'd like my medication back from a living hand. I would be inconvenienced to have to pry it out of a ditch."

...Yeah, that'd be a buzzkill, wouldn't it!

With that, Patchy returned to her tome. "...Also, start as soon as possible. It'd defeat the point of asking you if you opt out." Ho ho!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Well, Hana's _already_ doing whatever I wanna do, so she's essentially no cost. At the same time, I'm _unsure_ of her benefit to me not dying, at best!

So. As for the _three fairies_ I grabbed…

 _Click_. Skirt-chan unbuckles her skirt at the front door, letting it drop.

...A red-haired fairy next to us turns to look at us, wearing her pink panties like a mask. Like… with the entire pair around her _face_ and held onto her ears, rather than just on her _head_. She's also just as short as Skirt-chan. Her name might be _Panty-chan_ , according to everyone else.

...Finally, I decided to take Janitor-chan!

"I- I'm not really…" She looks sheepish! " _Into_ this whole, um… 'combat' thing."

She's got her bucket with her, and her mop, wielded more like a shield and pike rather than as cleaning tools like before. She's not got as many brushes with her, but she's got some wrenches and doodads on her pocket-clad dress, and tool belt!

It was a tough choice between her and this one sickly fairy I found, but honestly, Janitor-chan's pretty practical. Maybe not for _combat_ but in general. I mean, nobody I picked is freakin' combat ready, but there's a lot of us!

Don't ask me why I took the freakin' midgets over anyone else…! Strength in numbers, yo!

I point to Hana! "Can you fight?"

"Nope!" Good!

"Let us adventure!" I march out the manor front door!

"...Ok- okay." Janitor-chan has no choice but to pick up the pace!

The two midgets just quietly follow along. Skirt-chan almost trips and falls over, but Janitor-chan stops and pulls her skirt up for her again…

"Ya~y!" Cheer, Hana, cheer!

...Moving out, down the scarlet porch and past the tiny fountain in the center of the path, we meet the front gate!

 _Cla- cla- clang_. We attack it, to little avail. Aw, shit…

"Meili~ng!" Hana wails at it! "I need out aga~in!"

...It's currently midday. If we run it and gun it, maybe we'll get there before our asses fall off, dude.

…

Cla- cla- clang! Hana bangs on the gates on her own, this time! "Meili~ng!"

"Aa~h…" Stumbling from the gate, the _keeper_ looks over at us. "...Hana? I thought-..."

She sees _all 'a us_ yo.

"Yeah, yo!" I call out ta her! "We got _business_ on behalf of her cuddliness!"

...Stepping up to the gate, Meiling gives us a friendly wave! "Ah, Janitor-chan. Here about the outer walls, again?"

The janitor fairy giggles! "Eheheh. Um. No… I- I'm on orders to get lady Patchouli's prescription, with these guys..."

"...Really, now." Meiling gives us a _skeptical_ stare. "Who're you, again?" She don't even know me!

"He's Brad-kun!" Thank you, Hana-friend! "He's real _soft._ " Yeah! Wait- I am?

"...Okay." With an expression of _skeptical vexation_ , Meiling moves to open the gate. "Be careful out there, alright? Do what'cha need to and come right back."

Considering how many fairies are in the wild, do they really have to worry? Like-

"I mean _you._ " Oh. Meiling points at me…! "This land's not safe to just roam around, really."

"I figured…!" Imma heed Meiling's _words 'a caution_. "Is there like… any good paths from here ta the Eientei thing?" S'it a clinic or a _hospital_ …?

"Just go around the lake and take the paths to and from the village." She moves to lean back against the gate, as we all move out towards the mansion-to-lake path, me walkin' backwards to pay attention ta her. "The scariest part'll be the bamboo. Good luck wit' that…"

Good luck, huh. "Thanks, yo!" I give 'er a wave as we keep moving!

"Thank yo~u!" Hana waves back at her!

…

Once we're far enough away, I turn and face the lake as we approach it. Ho ho…!

"Oh, geez…" Janitor-chan's _worried, son_. "I- I haven't been farther than the trees around the mansion in some time…"

"This is my first time outside a building." I tell her! "What's that shiny thing in the sky?" I pretend to look at the sun directly…!

"Uhm- don't…!" She puts a hand before my eyes! "That's… tha- that's the _sun!_ Oo~h…" I don't think I'm soothing her nerves!

That reminds me… fairies have _elements_ , right? I think.

I turn to Hana. "Hey, friend."

"Hi." She gets closer, for some reason…!

"What element of fairy are you…?" Inquiring minds wanna know, my… fae. Hoh.

"I'm an ice fairy!" She proclaims! Well, that makes sense, cyan hair, cyan _nails_ , _cyan_ …!

...These other two fairies are _mute_ so asking them their element is freakin' pointless.

"My- I'm a water fairy." The janitor fairy states, as we march towards the lake's own water. "...That's fitting, isn't it? Mistress said something like that…"

"Ye." Water and ice! That'll be a good combo. And two _noobs._ This is fair and balanced!

...So first we just gotta walk around this lake. Maybe we'll stop at the human village, too!

…

After we're partially around the lake-

"Hey, you!" Ooh! I think- that's Cirno's voice, innit?

...I see Cirno drift down in front of us! "...Ooo~! It's you guys, from the mansion!"

"Hi, my new friend!" Hana waves at Cirno, throwing her entire freakin' arm up and down and rocking herself as she does so. "What brings you out here?"

"Eye dunno what ya mean." Cirno admits outright…! Then, she folds her arms. "Didja learn how ta freeze, yet!?"

"Um…" Hana looked away. "I- I tried, but… all it did was make the thing I wanted to freeze all jittery."

...Cirno jerked her head back! "Whaddaya mean!? How'd you screw that up!?" Hoo~!

"I dunno!" Hana began wavin' her arms! "Help me~!"

...After a moment of lookin' around, Cirno tried to snap her fingers, but botched it to the point they didn't make noise. "...Ey- ey, ey!"

Drifting down-

 _Spla~sh!_ She landed in the water, up to her waist! "Try ta freeze this water over here!"

 _...Splo- splosh, splo- splosh._ Stepping towards her, Hana walked into the water with her. "Co- cold…!" She hugged herself! Huh. Ice fairies can get cold…?

"Now freeze!" Cirno beamed! "Like dis!" She held a hand out-

 _Fwa~sh!_ A big ice chunk formed in the water before her! "Haha~! See!?"

...Hana shut her eyes-

 _Za- zap, zap, zap, zap_. The water began to shimmer with light-

 _ZAP- ZAP- ZAP!_ Woa~h! It fucking _lit up!_

" _Ebabadabada~!?_ " Cirno flails wildly, sinking into the water and seizing up…!

 _Sploo~sh_. Hana stopped zapping the lakeside, bubbles emerging from around her in a wave. "...Eh- ehehe~..." Almost dizzily, she began to wade back to the shore…

"Oh, no!"

...Slowly, Daiyousei drifts over from somewhere else on the lakeside, hands to her mouth. "Cirno-cha~n..."

As she descended gingerly, Cirno slowly rotated around in the water, to float on her back. "Pft- pft- pftuh…" She gargled on water, before it left her mouth. "Wha~'s… thuh- gh- lea~k, maa~'am…?"

Sloshin' out of the water, Hana shambled towards us. "I- I… wow." She scratched her hair! "I- I think I froze the water…!"

...Me and janitor fairy're giving her raised-brow stares!

"Um…" Janitor-chan stepped forward! "If… you froze the water, it would be _frozen_."

...Pouting, Hana stared back at the water, before looking back at us. "Does it _have_ to be?"

"Ye- yes." Lookin' just _perplexed_ , Janitor-chan raises a brow. "That's… why it's the act of _freezing_ , you kind of have to, um, _freeze_ … it."

...Hana starts to move for the water again-

"Nah, yo!" I stop her! "We're movin' on! You freezed the water good enough!"

"Yeah!" Pumping an arm in the air, Hana moves after us! "I'm a real ice fairy, now!" Like hell ya are, ya freakin' rascal…! Yer an _electric_ fairy!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I decided to ignore the Hakurei Shrine, for the time being. Might as well not burn too much daylight, yeah? I don't think Reimu wants her shrine ransacked by friendly fairies, either!

Skirt-chan and Panty-chan have been silently following along with us this whole time, pretty much idle about everything.

Reaching the front gate of the village, we come up to this dude…!

He's got really crappy armor on. Like… metal plates on his upper torso and arms, and that's it. The rest is just straps and shirt stuff. "Stop there." He steps before the shut gate, holding up a kind of awkward looking short sword.

"Hello, friend." I wave at him. "Can we go in?"

"No." Oh, good. "No-"

 _Click._ Skirt-chan drops her skirt, between us.

...After glancing down at her, he looks up at us again! "No _youkai._ " Wahaha!

...I gesture to the fairies. "These're just a buncha _fairy maids,_ yo. And-"

"If they wanted supplies, they'd have sent Izayoi." The brown-haired guy shook his head. "If they were running an errand, they'd have sent only a few. Instead, they send _four_ , and _you._ "

...Ah. "...Y'see, I'm an _outsider_ , not-"

Apparently not! "I can't believe you. Just leave."

"Plea~se let us i~n!" Hana begs, pursing her arms together!

"No." He refuses plainly.

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No…"

"Plea~se!?" Hana's really sellin' it, dude!

"I'll have to call for backup if you won't leave." He backs towards the gate…! "Please, just… just _go!"_ Wohohoa~h!

...Hrrm. Well, I guess we can go _around_ the village. I didn't wanna get hung for dressing like a gypsy anyway…

At least this guy's not the captain's son! Freakin' _cops_ , dude.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The village perimeter's weird. It's like, lots of mud ruts leading up to the wall, and forestry directly outside. No one bothered us, for probably obvious reasons. Well, youkai-wise, anyway. If the guards saw us from the wall, they didn't care.

So we're on the road off towards Eientei, right now… or, more aptly, the road towards the _bamboo woods_.

"...I'm glad we didn't go in the village." Janitor pal decidedly decided! "...Humans kind of freak me out."

Yeah, they _should_. They're kinda freaky! Buildin' _skyscrapahs_ and _killin' eachotha'!_ Aaa~h!

As we move down the plain plain, we come across that fluffle stand between Eientei and the village. It's took off before, but it's here now!

"hi friends" It's soft looking…

"Hi, friend." I greet the friend. "What's for sale…?"

"friends" Oh.

It slips its fin under the counter-

 _Clank_. It plops a pastel green plant hanger on the desk...

"... _What_ is it." Don't just stare at me with those soulless decal eyes!

"Vortex Hanger!" And so it shall be named! "ten thousand yen. boosts the power of wind skills. pushes wind when swung. constantly manipulates wind."

...That's… interesting. I have ten thousand on me right now… but it's not my money!

"Why're _you_ here…?" Janitor-chan frowns at the fluffle!

"i gotta have a good meal" Aw. I don't think you things even eat, but I've never seen you try!

…

Will the weapon still be here if I don't snatch it up? I mean… Marisa and Reimu never emptied my bag of all that furniture we stole. Maybe I can do some hacky sequence breaking bullshit with that! I mean, it's like what, one hundred dollars in _Americano?_ That shouldn't be terribly hard to scam from _big lunar pharma._

 _Click_. Skirt-chan unbuckled her belt, again.

Hana starts to sneak up on the fluffle…

...I look down at Skirt-chan. "Do you just like, get a high offa' that, or something…!?"

She just stares up at me…!

"Mmnh!" Lunging forward, Hana snuggles the fluff!

"help! help!" It's getting nuzzled! Oh my gaa~h!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I need a way to make ten thousand yen, and fast!

My fairy armada makes a mad dash up to the forest's edge with me! Tonight we dine in _jail!_

"Hup!" I jump…!

"Hnh…!" Jumping again is _weird-_

 _Woosh!_ I lethargically swing the Vortex Hanger as we near the bamboo! Swinging it down makes a brief gust of air downwards, allowing me to gain a little height and increase how long I spend at the apex of my jump…

And now I'm falling holy shit-

 _Woosh!_ I swing down again, flailing my arms to make it happen faster!

I'm thrusted back up just above my original jump height-

I land a little unevenly, but I actually land without eating shit!

Y'know… this may've not been the _wisest_ investment I've made yet, but I'm very eager to add crap to my arsenal! If I could swing it _faster_ I could actually fly, but these _noodle arms_ 'a mine aren't even close to making this as useful as it could be.

"Wo~w!" Hana shuffles up to me. "You can fly!"

Ahah. Tell me what part of that looked like flying…!

As we continue forward-

Mokou rounds the brush ahead of us! "...Hmm?"

"Yo ho, ho ho~!" I was just about to jump into her, too…!

...She scans my posse drolly. "...What's this?"

"Do you know a way to make ten thousand yen and fast!?" I give 'er a question! 'Cause I need that yen!

"...No." She gives me a bored reply. "Go work." Cool, thank you.

"Good." I am satisfied with this, yo. You should write guides, dude.

"U- um…" Janitor-chan scans the fire immortal carefully. "You- you're not gonna… hurt us, right?"

...Mokou grins at her. "Yeah, I'll gobble ya up. Seriously, you five going into the woods?"

 _Click_. Walking up to Mokou, Skirt-chan drops her skirt, again.

...Mokou just _slouches_. "Wh- what."

...I give 'er a _family smile_ , yo. "That's just how she says hi. Also, have you seen her friend?" I point to Panty-chan.

...Mokou runs her gaze over the _masked_ fairy, before grinning wider. "Alright seriously, what the fuck is this."

"We were goin' to get Patchy's meds!" I shall exposition dump… for a character that is not the viewer! "But I blew the money like a dumbass, on this thing." I hold up my Vortex Hanger.

...Mokou blinks. "So you're just retarded…?"

"Yes." I agree with this sentiment. "Help me _politely scam_ Eientei, yo."

…

Janitor-chan speaks up! "Mi- Mistress wouldn't… um-"

"Sure." Sliding her hands into her pockets, Mokou turned around. "Follow me. Don't lose me, now." Woohoo~!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Marching ahead of us, Mokou sears a steady path through the bamboo…

 _Cra- crack_. Janky shoots snap and crack as she powers ahead, arms extended to brush the foliage away…

We were treading along the side of a stone ravine that'd opened 'cause we stepped on a _pressure plate_. Overgrowth was supposed to keep us from going around it, but Mokou carefully torched a path open for us…

...The entire fairy party floated along beside us, 'cause _yeah._ Fairies can just fly!

"Alright…" Once we were past that pit, Mokou dashed ahead-

"Hua~h!" -and performed a _long_ _jump_ over a mess of bamboo.

 _Thud._ She landed hard on the other side, before pivoting around, as if seeing if I could find a way before she had to do anything.

...The fairies sort of congealed around me while I considered my options. Hrrm…

"Yo- you know…" Janitor-chan starts to speak up-

I bolt ahead, running-

Jump! Oo~h…!

And, _jump again!_ Just barely…!

 _Woosh!_ Swinging my hanger, I barely clear the bamboo mess-

 _Thu- thud!_ Ah- fuck…!

Ugh. I roll to a stop on the other side… on _my_ side.

"Good enough." Mokou- woah!

She lifts me back onto my legs, manhandling me to do so. Then, she just keeps carrying on…

"...I- I was gonna suggest we _carry_ you." Janitor-chan gave me a flat look as she drifted up behind us.

Ah. Yeah, that would've made a lot of sense, actually! Well, I didn't fall and impale myself, or instantly snap my neck, so no harm no foul! I can take some _dirt._ I've been wearin' the same shit I came to Gensokyo with…!

Carrying after Mokou, I hurry along…!

"Hup!" She does a tall jump-

 _Fwi- fwi- fwish!_ The tall bamboo shimmers as she becomes obscured in a corridor of looser tufts and sticks, walking through the clump atop less rigid shafts. Holy shit…

"Hnh!" I jump…!

"Hah…!" And I jump again-

Oh, woah, I- nngh…!

I _pull_ myself inside. The shafts are fucking hard to brush past, pushing against me _pretty roughly_. Mokou makes this look like kiddy shit, but damn! I'm… am I stuck? No, not quite…

Ngh. Fuckin'.. bamboo. Get outta my way! Ngh… _Ngh!_

"A- aah…!" I come out on the other side! Wah-

 _Woosh!_ With a swing of the vortex hanger-

 _Thud_. I make my faceplant into the grass a little less painful! "Nnh…"

...Mokou blinks at me, a few times. "That's a fun route." Yeah, cool.

Aah- ah! Freakin'... _picked me up_ and put me back upright again. She even dusted my shoulder, this time.

Reaching up 'n' brushin' the _grass_ outta my face, I keep after her.

Panty-chan was somehow already on the other side of the bamboo with us-

"Woa~h!" Hana's getting squished in there, somewhere…!

 _Fwish!_ She spins through the air as Janitor-chan bashes her out, using her _implements_ to ram against her.

...Man. These bamboo trees are so _tall_ and _oppressive_. Even though the sun is high outside, it's eternally dusk-like beneath these trees. Hazy blues in the distance wherever you can actually _see_ through the bamboo…

Ahead, I see Mokou stop before a riverside. We seem to have reached a creek!

...Slowly, I lumber after her-

Janitor-chan brushes my face with a _duster_ as she passes me. Freakin'...!

"A- achoo!" Oof! Freakin'... _wiffle dusters_.

...After a moment, I catch up with Mokou. Hana's already behind her before me, as are the midget fairies, freakin' _somehow._

 _Click_. Skirt-chan drops her skirt on the rivershore.

…

After a moment of us just being idle for no reason, Mokou exhales after a deep breath. "Water's pretty, ain't it?" Ah, she's taking in the river…

"Yeah, yo." It _does_ look pretty nice, right about now…

…

" _Nhuo~h…_ " What kinda _noise_ is that…?

"Ah, _fuck_." Suddenly gritting her teeth, Mokou tenses up, looking around. " _Fuck!_ "

"What's up…!?" Why is Mokou upset!? Do I have a reason to be upset, yo!?

She snaps her gaze to me-

 _Splaa~sh!_

From the river's bottom rises some kind of mud girl!

...She's _pretty big._ Instead of brown, she's a inky black, hints of green, blue and red liquids oozing from her brown and black blotches, giving her an otherworldly, ethereal tint…

" _Ouhuh…_ " The only ever so vaguely female orifices that make up its head stretch to let out a groan!

 _Fwoo~m!_ Flames ignite along Mokou's limbs! "You all stay back! Lemme fuck this thing up first!"

"Wha- _what is tha~t!?_ " Janitor-chan raises her mop and bucket defensively…!

...Crouching down, Skirt-chan stepped out of her skirt entirely, and slid the belt off from the custom slots it had on it.

...Panty-chan began darting back and forth in place, for some reason!

Running ahead, Mokou brings her dukes up as she approaches the massive goo girl! "Hrrgh…!"

Lemme put it in perspective. This goo girl… is about a _fourth_ the height of these bamboo trees. Or, maybe… eighteen feet tall, about. Most of her body is just _mush,_ but she's got two nearly formless 'arms', fit for _smashing_ , or something.

The barely luminescent lime eyes of the mush flare…!

 _Thoo~m!_

"Ngh…" Mokou rolled to the side, out of the way of a heavy, globby arm that thrusted out to drop over her.

"It's _yucky~!_ " Hana yells at it!

 _Pat- pat- pat!_ Panty-chan starts running freakin'... otaku-style around the sides of the battle, firing simple, red lines of danmaku at the mush. Like, arms back all Naruto-like and shit!

Janitor-chan's starting to move inward to attack it…!

...You know, if everyone else is moving, maybe I should do something! Wait, unlike literally my entire party right now, I don't come back if I die. Daa~h.

...Taking out the Flamehanger, I thrust it into Hana's arms. "Go hit it!"

"Woah!" She's awed! "What's this!?" Owo, what's this, dude.

" _Me._ " I summarize. "Hit the monster!"

"I hit monsters!" She runs forward!

 _Boo~m!_ Mokou rolled back inward, getting closer to the muck girl, as it brought down the same heavy arm in an attempt to smoosh her…

Reaching the muddy flank of the big 'woman'-

 _Fwoo~m!_ Mokou shoved her arm into the side of it, fire licking up her limbs as she jabbed.

 _Fwoom!_ She unleashed a second jab, flames dancing along the grass around her, and up the side of the goo-

 _Splat_. Skirt-chan _hit its side_ with her belt, taking off a glob of goo. Not a lot…!

"Nnh- nnh, nnh…!" Vigorously, Janitor-chan began thrusting a soapy mop into its midst! "Go- go _awa~y!_ "

" _Nhuuu~!_ "

 _Woo~sh_. Black, smoggy wind expels from the goo girl as she compresses into the floor a little, pushing everyone back…

Except for Mokou, who ran against it…! " _Hell_ no!" Reeling arn arm back-

 _Fwoom!_ She spun around, becoming encased in flame-

 _FWOO~M!_

The tornado of flame that erupted around her quickly flash-burnt all of the smog as it slowly retracted from us. Flames _briefly_ danced towards us, before retracting back towards the muck…!

" _Nhauu~!_ " The goo girl flailed its limbs, faster than before, probably because it was burning!

...All the fairies decided to _keep their distance_. Well, Panty-chan's _already_ keeping her distance…

"So ho~t…" Hana began to back up further…!

 _Smack!_

" _Ga~h!_ " Mokou rolls out of the tornado, bouncing off the ground towards us again…

"Da~h…" Is she good…!? It'd be kinda sorta _really bad_ if she wasn't-

Sitting back up, she immediately floats up and onto her feet, brushing her mouth of some black crap-

 _Fwoom!_ Amber light comes from her core, as she focuses on the goo. "Fucking…!"

 _Woosh!_ While the fire on the goo girl slowly fizzles, the youkai's composition runny and ash black now, Mokou took to the air-

 _Bam!_ Falling back down, she stomped down into the grassy floor-

 _FWOOM- FWOOM- FWOOM- FWOOM!_

Geysers of orange flame flared beneath the black blob, unbearable heat and light from the eruptions forcing me to look away-

 _FWAA~M!_

Holy shit- this better end soon, this better end-...

Ah, it ended soon!

The massive pillar of flame that'd engulfed the goo was now just a bonfire of sinking, black matter. Slowly, the flames began to glow rainbow colors…

"Fucking _disgusting…_ " There was no more chemical material on Mokou's body, the fire of her flames having seared it all away.

Then, she turned to me. "You know what that shit was?"

...You just unleashed a fucking _solar flare_ on that thing. I have a hanger that just catches shit on fire. I'm the one who should be asking questions…!

She takes my silence as a 'no'. "Fucking _chemical shit_. Kaguya's. It's to track where I am in the woods."

Geesh. They troll hard in Gensokyo, apparently.

...After the rainbow fire burned out-

 _Pichu~ Pichu~! Pich- Pich- Pichu~!_

Rainbow-colored flares began launching from its form, extending into the sky-

 _Pop- pop, pop, pop, pop!_ Oh, I see. The girl… was like, _firework goo_. And Mokou burning it down to its core… ignited it, and made the fireworks go off.

"Yeah, tha's totally to fuck with you." I agree! "Pro'lly a _flare_ or something..."

"Last time I ignored one, the earth rabbits bitched about it." Sighing, Mokou carried ahead. "It didn't attack them, at least. I don't think it _would_ , since it's meant for me an' all."

...Yeah, it just entirely ignored the fairies back there.

...I turn to see how they're doing-

Janitor-chan brushes my face with a wiffle duster again…! I wrinkle my nose in response!

So Kaguya's making _firework goo monsters_ attack Mokou, or something. Hoh.

...Well, alrighty, then! Freakin'...

…

Fire slowly travels across the grass towards us…!

Spla- spla- splash. Janitor-chan's empty bucket shield suddenly has water in it to splosh about, dousing the flames. None of the chemical matter remains, so it's all normal fire now. "He- help me…! It- it's gonna burn the forest! Help-"

Mokou snaps her fingers-

 _Fwish_. The fires fade.

...Janitor-chan slouches. "O- oh."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We rush into Eientei, through the sliding glass doors!

...Reisen's at the front desk, looking casual as she sifts through some papers…

"Hey." Mokou marches ahead of us, moving to the counter.

"...Oh, hey." Reisen sees her, briefly giving her a glance. "Here for the princess, again?" Ooo~...!

"...Yeah." Mokou decides to spend this visit fucking up Kaguya! I wonder…

...Stepping forward, I see Mokou slowly turn away from Reisen. Then, she turns to us…!

I give her a big, knowing _wink_ , dude!

She frowns. "...Don't follow me."

"I'm _followin'_ ya." I'm not just gonna let 'er _go_ , yo. Besides, I sense _scam_ potential! "I got business, dude."

...She blinks. "Seriously?"

I wink at her twice. "You know. _Business."_

...She furrows her brows.

I have an epileptic fit. " _You know, yo_ …!"

…

" _Fine._ " Stomping ahead, she beckons me to follow. "Come on."

With that, she moves!

…

Skirt-chan walks up to the front desk.

"Ah, crap…" Reisen curses, frowning at her files. "Should've told her to not get you guys involved. Look- don't follow her."

I shake my head, and refuse to make eye contact. "We're followin' her. Look yo- I got a plan. Believe me." Nobody builds walls better than me!

 _Click_. Skirt-chan drops her skirt! I dunno how she recovered it from the _inferno_. Maybe she made off with it before Mokou casted Mega Flare.

...Looking down at her, Reisen narrows her eyes. "...Wa- wait."

She feels at her thigh, before speaking under her breath. "What the hell…"

...Panty-chan hurries down the hall with a new pair of pink panties. Oh my go~d, du~de…! It's a conspiracy, man!

...Oh, fuck. Hana's about to hit a lobby chair with Flamehanger!

Runnin' over, I lunge to try and stop it-

 _Fwoom!_

 _Fire!_ My hands are _on fire!_ It _clipped my hand!_

"Baa~h!?" Hana yells!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...A potion may have healed the wounds, son, but the _pain doesn't go away._ Or, at least, you don't forget it!

Once again, we're progressing down the vaguely dim but vaguely luminous halls of Eientei. We're in the wooden, more aristocratic bits now, following Mokou's wake.

...Panty-chan's playing with Reisen's panties, scrunching them and unscrunching them repeatedly. She never noticed 'er make off, dude…! Hey- maybe _that_ can be our scam! We sell them their panties back! You know, if they don't kick our ass instantly. Yeah- maybe that's a bad idea…

...Hana looks over my hands again! "Are you su~re…!?" She's not so much worried anymore, but she's determined to look at my hands!

" _Yes,_ yo." I have long since pocketed the fire elemental hanger, and do not plan to equip it again for _some time_.

"...Re- really." Janitor-chan looked like she wanted to _hit me_. " _Don't_ play with fire." She was the one who extinguished me, yo.

...I give her a _smirk_. "I'll play wit' fire all I want, yo…"

"I mean it." She gives me a frown. "You could seriously hurt people, like that…"

Y'know, I'm not even the one who swung it…!

...So I say that! "I'm not even the one who swung it, yo."

"...We- well." She looks away. "You should've been more _careful._ That chair could've just been put out, you know."

Yeah, and then we'd have had to pay damages. Reisen spent that potion on me for free! I paid in _blood,_ dude. Also, we got her panties, but that would've happened regardless. _Apparently_.

Suddenly, Mokou stops!

...Turning to a white sliding door amidst the sliding doors, she slides it open. As opposed to, y'know, swinging it open, as one does with a sliding door.

Romping after her, I reach the door as she closes it!

Sli~de open…

Inside, Mokou marches towards the princess, who's sittin' on the couch.

"...There you are." Kaguya Houraisan smiled up from the white couch. "Come to be my _bitch,_ today? I need someone to fetch me some drinks..."

"I'll rip off your head and shit down your neck." Mokou's ready to go Duke Nukem, dude…!

"Hey…" I gingerly make myself known!

...They turn to me _menacingly._

"I'm Jake, from State Farm." I wave at them. "I'm here to help with your _life insurance_."

…

"Who's this clown…?" Kaguya gave her rival a dour frown. "You bring some normie piece of shit here? _You_ already gay up the place enough."

"Real rich for a slut who probably fucks her rabbits." Mokou steps closer to her…! "You deserve to _burn_ , and I'm _fire_."

"You're so _cute_ , Moky~." Rising from her seat, into the air, Kaguya smiles widely. "I want to see you _snuffed out_."

"I am a fan of room temperature!" I raise my hand!

...The girls turn their _unfeeling blank stares to me_. Jesus Christ…!

Skirt-chan walks in. Oh, here we go, dude…!

...Furrowing their brows, the girls stared at her.

 _Click_. She unbuckles her skirt, and drops it- Oo~kay, she's not wearing any panties this time…!

...Kaguya just _looks up_ at me 'n' Mokou, as if requesting an explanation.

"She, um, does that." Mokou rolls her eyes… "Fucked if I know."

"Of _course_ she's your cohort." Kaguya smiled! "Do you prostitute her? Did you wish to show me how many times she's been used?"

"How many times've _you_ been used?" Mokou began to get closer to Kaguya again, glaring up at the floating princess…!

...Panty-chan's at my side, with a pair of white panties in addition to Reisen's, and Skirt-chan's blue ones. Freakin'...!

"No fighti~ng!" Hana comes to mediate the scene! "Let's all be friends!"

The girls snap their heads to her.

"I'll clip your wings off." Kaguya threatens her!

"Fuck off and dust a damn window." Mokou waves an arm at her…!

...Hana just steps back, looking crushed. "A- ah…"

Freakin'...

I look over at Kaguya! "Hey, princess! Do ya got a 3DS, or is it in another castle?"

…

After a delayed moment, she gazes at me with furrowed brows. "The fuck you know about 3DSs now?"

Mokou steps back, giving me a flat stare. "You mean PMS, right?"

"We don't even get fucking _periods_ , you ash-headed _wench_." Man, these girls are _not_ into eachother…!

"You had me _fuckin'_ fooled." Mokou shakes her head at her. "We all know it's _always_ your time of the month."

Kaguya tilted her head back. "When I take a happy dagger to your _pussy_ , you'll know what it feels like. If, you know, you haven't requested someone disembowel you already."

"Ca~n we ju~st…!" You guys are _roastin'_ boys up in here! "Play _freakin'_ Smash Brothers!?"

…

"Alright, who the hell is this." Kaguya's finally curious as to who I am!

"Some fuckin' outsider." Mokou gave me a frown.

"I speak for the trees, noobs." The trees say 'stop bleeding and burning all over everything'.

"Do you know who _I_ am?" Kaguya slowly begins to glare at me…!

Fluffy. "Really bad at Smash Bros!" Yeah, dude!

Ceasing floating, she bounces off a couch cushion, before hopping off next to Mokou. "Alright, fuck it. We're playing Smash Brothers."

"What the hell's that." Mokou looks unenthused…! "What, you too pussy to hit me?"

Scoffing, Kaguya reaches into her dress… "I'll fist you later, you licentious fathercon. You're playing too, or you're a tech-inept retard."

"Fine." Mokou readily agrees! "I'll beat you at anything."

…

" _Where_ the _fuck_ are my _panties!?_ " Kaguya suddenly realizes they're gone as she searches her dress!

"Pfft- wha- hahaha~!?" Mokou's jaw drops…!

Whirling to her-

 _Shi~ng!_ Oh, fuck, Kaguya drew a knife my boy! "Shut up! _Slut!_ "

"Fahaha~!" Mokou mirthfully stumbles back-

 _Woosh- woosh!_ Kaguya's takin' swings!

"Woah, woah, woah!" I yell at them, but don't get close!

" _Faa~h!_ " Beyond words, Kaguya keeps attacking!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We have… calmed down.

"If this is your fault," Seated on the couch, curled up with her eyes just visible above her knees, Kaguya glared at me…! "I'm going to _ruin_ your _life_." She's got a pretty _long_ dress, too. Panty-chan is a master thiefster!

...I nod at that! "It is _entirely_ my fault… that you forgot to wear panties today."

...In response-

 _Pap!_ She punches Mokou in the cheek. "Gfuh…!?"

...Mokou freakin' flexes her fist, but doesn't strike back… yet.

"Ju- just, be calm, guys…" Janitor-chan holds her hands up! "...If we just… like, talk about our differences-"

"Go back to washing dishes, you goddamn fairy." Kaguya insults her…! "Actually- hell, you look like a mom. Make me a _sandwich._ "

...Janitor-chan just gives her a _slight glare_.

Speaking of Panty-chan, she's standing in the corner of the room, hands behind her back. Freakin'...

...Moving closer to the girls, Hana holds out her arms. "You gu~ys. Cuddling makes me feel-"

 _Woosh!_ Hana steps back from a punch sent by the princess! "...Now that's not very nice!"

"Guess not." If stares could kill, dude, Kaguya's…! "You know what else isn't? God's not real. You've probably forgotten hundreds of thousands of lives worth of friends and experiences. Your existence is meaningless. I hate you."

…

"But, I _saw_ a god…" Hana only found problem with one of those statements! "She gave me sweets."

"Poison." Kaguya just don't care anymore, yo. "Have you ever been raped?"

"I dunno!" Wha- you _dunno_.

 _Click._ The princess whipped out her 3DS-

 _Pap_. A second 3DS came from her, hitting Mokou in the side of the head. "Gh…"

"Let's gamble!" I plan on _illegal_ gambling!

Flipping my 3DS out of my sack, I open it up! Aw, it's _still alive_ , too. Just barely- two bars left- but…!

"What." Kaguya furrows her brows at me.

"Ten thousand yen I win, yo." Money that I don't have! "Ten thousand if you win. If Mokou wins, whoever survived longer than the other!" That seems fair!

She rolls her eyes. "Yeah, whatever, as if ten grand means shit." Woohoo~!

"Um…" Janitor-chan's iffy about this situation, standing before Kaguya's _plasma screen TV_. "Bu- but we don't have-"

I put a hand over her _mouth!_ "Shh, shh, shh. No memes, only sleep."

...She bats my hand away, before glaring at me. "But- but what are we-"

"So, Mokou ask you to come here?" Kaguya glares up at me, as her DS powered on…

"I told him to _not_ come here." Mokou clarified, sitting next to her 'n' powering her DS on as well.

Kaguya began to smirk at me…! "If she's lying, you can tell me."

"...Neither, yo." I decide! "I was contracted by Pussy Destroyer nineteen seventy five, _specifically_ to take you out, noob."

"Nice." Expression _discontent_ again, she scoots further back into the couch. "Hrrm…"

…

"The hell'm I supposed to do?" Mokou looked over at Kaguya flatly.

"Double tap the game icon." Kaguya's reply was quiet and flat.

…

"The what." That didn't help her!

"You're retarded." Looking over at Mokou's 3DS, Kaguya reached forward and tapped on the game. "Hit play."

"What're you guys playing!?" Hana looks lost, dude. "Can I play!?"

"Suck a dick." Kaguya doesn't wanna bother wit' 'er right now.

...After a moment, Mokou comments. "I get it. It's like a game controller with screens built in."

"No shit." Kaguya must be setting up the lobby…

I've already got my Smash 4 open. We don't have to connect to the internet since we're like, next to each other.

"What's a _dick?_ " Hana, please!

"Oh my fucking god…" Kaguya's face sinks into her knees…!

Mokou just _exhales_. Hoo~...

While we have this moment, I get a better look at the room…

There's crap everywhere! Like, chip bags and stuff. Controllers, _junk_ , so forth. There's a tiny plastic table in the back, around the corner from the door. There's a more ornate table near the back window, and there's two doors leading out across from the door I took in.

It'sa _tiny_ room by comparison to the rest of the manor hospital clinic _thing_ , but it's got television and a computer!

...Otherwise, though, it's pretty much a living room, except if I lived in it. Wahaha!

Ooo~, there we go. Got into the lobby!

"...Fuckin', here…" Kaguya moves to help Mokou get into the lobby…

Mokou frowns. "Fuck off. I know how to-... huh."

"Not that type of game, bitch." Kaguya grins at her ineptitude. "This'll be _good._ "

"Yeah- you suck a dick." Mokou waves her off…

"You first." I like how their insults just kinda become formality once they're trying to do other things. "Pick a character and press start."

Alright, yo. A~nd… _begin!_ ...Once, y'know, everyone selects their character, which'll take a moment.

I picked Link, yo! He's fun for _hitting people_ , and harassing and stuff.

...Ohp- there we go! Yo!

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

END OF CHAPTER 4

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Weaponizer of Plant Hangers

PRIMARY WEAPON: Flamehanger - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire!

INVENTORY:

Vortex Hanger - Pastel-green and grey plant hanger, of industrial metals. Boosts the power of wind skills. Constantly manipulates wind, so swinging it makes gusts.

H2O Hanger - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Mundane, but practical in the eyes of a few. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Cast-iron plant hanger - Cast-iron plant hanger - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. My most basic weapon.

Yin-yang Flail - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups.

NERF Dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF Longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Fancy Operating Cross: Version Two- Allows control and summoning of a London doll, along with some basic commands.

Blue Clothes - My stock outfit! Comfortable and smelly. Negative five wind resistance, because the shirt's kind of skimpy. Composed of blue sweatpants and a blue, long-sleeved shirt. Unremarkable sneakers.

==o==

PARTY:

London, the Doll - Defensive unit, able to hold positions and provide cover-fire. Command is slightly dynamic, sporting defensive and offensive modes. Able to be used for more intricate operations; although seems to retreat when the operating cross is in the hammerspace sack this time...

==o==

Hana, the Electric Fairy Maid - She's friendly, dude! Used to stalk me like a _stalker fairy_ , but now she's a _nice fairy_. Curiously adult body for someone who doesn't know what sex is…! Like-... average proportions, where a myriad of… actually, I guess a lot of mansion fairies are weirdly average. A lot of outside fairies are lolis instead. Weird shit!

SKILLS:

Electricity - She's electric, apparently. Doesn't know how to use it!

INVENTORY:

Cyan-tinted Fairy Maid Uniform - A fairy maid uniform from the Scarlet Devil Mansion, custom tailored to Hana's preferences, sort of. Poofy and pretty!

==o==

Skirt-chan, the… Skirt… Fairy Maid? - She drops her skirt when she says hello. Mute. Three feet tall…!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tiny Belt - A tiny belt she can whip around. Don't make her take off her belt, now…!

SKILLS:

Drop Skirt - She drops her skirt. May stun foes! Increased effectiveness, power, and accuracy when not wearing panties. Can only be used once.

Pull Skirt Back Up? - Impossible to see coming. She just _has_ her skirt back on, sometimes. Allows her to use Drop Skirt again.

INVENTORY:

Neon Blue Fairy Maid Uniform - A fairy maid uniform from the Scarlet Devil Mansion. The skirt is custom-designed for a belt to be used with it. It falls off otherwise!

==o==

Panty-chan, the Panty Fairy Maid - Wears her panties on her face. Master thief, where panties are concerned. Quite a _dangerous_ fairy, she is.

SKILLS:

Master Panty Thief - Can steal the panties blind off anyone, and they'll only feel the absence of them.

Red Danmaku - Shoots red danmaku streams, when she feels like it.

Teleportation - I don't know how she does both of the above with as much agility as she does!

INVENTORY:

Red-tinted Fairy Maid Outfit - In accordance with her color scheme! Generic, otherwise.

Pink Panties - Reisen's panties. Fifteen percent bomb resistant. Fifty percent stagger resistant. Wearer takes one third the damage from heavy impacts, including fall damage.

Blue Panties - Skirt-chan's panties. Five percent moon resistant. Fifteen percent silencing resistant.

White Panties with Pastel Rainbow Dots - Kaguya's panties. Thirty percent ice, fire, and electric resistance. Fifty percent time resistance. Fifty percent immunity to freezing, ignition and electric stunning. Grants immunity to status rewinding.

Her Own Panties - Pinkish reddish! Worn as a _mask_ , dude. Fifteen percent moon resistant. Immunity to all kinds of stunning.

==o==

Janitor-chan, the Janitor Fairy Maid - Wears a cute little hard hat, and is a master of the cleaning utensils! Probably the only other person who cleans at the mansion other than Sakuya.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Mop - A _mop_. Non-elemental weapon. Can be soaked to deal water damage. Cleans dirt.

SKILLS:

Cleaning - Masterful cleaner, dude. She'll get them rugs _spotless_.

Carpentry Repair - Handy with the tools! She's a master wit' the plaster, yo!

Water Manipulation - She seems to be able to spawn water in her bucket as she wishes, and stuff.

Cleanse - Can cleanse allies, erasing all debuffs and negative statuses from them.

Toss Water - Special attack, when bucket is filled. Gets the enemy wet, and can be used to wet stuff. Negligible water elemental magic.

INVENTORY:

Handy Fairy Maid Outfit - Economic, handy outfit! Less frills and protects more of the body; made for actual hard work! More defense than the regular fairy maid uniform.

Little Hard Hat - Head protection! In the event the entire mansion caves in and fucking kills everyone.

Bucket - A blue bucket. Blocks attacks, kind of! Can be filled with water, for a _special attack_.

...A- a wha's that, a _wiffle duster!?_ \- _Dusts people and things off, son._

==o==

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

this was a fun chapter to write!

...not much else to say because i always end up writing these notes after i've cooled down from writing and its like "wait did i want to tell them anything"

freakin tore down the fourth wall a few times there but dont worry yo its all fixed now

i feel like im really getting the hang of things here

as always, if you see this published not in its entirety you are being swindled and lied to unless future chapters state otherwise friends… actually, now that i think about it, i might publish this when the next incident is done and then just do publishing every 2 incidents / every chapter afterwards depending or whatever benchmarking im doing

of course if i think im going to be dead and gone for a long long time im uploading what i have for those who want it, just incase

thanks for tuning in, and see you in the next chapter!... and i can say that with confidence because chances are if you're reading this far you've either been possessed by a demon or actually like something about it

...now that i think about it, i never ask people to R&R or the likes because honestly i never do it anyway and even for stories ive found really spectacular i still havent gone "you know what, i actually wanna bother" so ive just never bothered with asking people really- i mightave for one other fic because it was short as hell and i was feeling awful self-conscious about it or something, but uh

...besides, if anyone actually likes this im sure they'd do it themselves; they don't need me going LIKE RATE COMMENT SUBSCRIBE SHARE IT ON TWITTER FACESPACE MYBOOK AND so forth i think you get the picture; no need to patronize the audience, i assume they're smart enough to handle these things

==== TWO MILLION YEARS LATER ====

hi

"getting the hang of things" yeah okay old me don't kid yerself there you sucked DONKEY DICKS

this chapter was kind of a project to mangle because it had a lot of irrelevant elements too but it's pretty collected now

changelog:

o armored space flea fight changed to a more identifiable outsider battle, also with more reisen now

\- was less of a battle and more of a SLAUGHTER

\- my guy's not the star of the show (again) - w -

o i think there was a three shmucks battle we replaced

o some crap got replaced with mansion exploration and seeing the sights

o meeting hana was less crap in general

\- actual intimatey bit wih her is more committal and actually intimate instead of pure unfiltered cringe

o yukari is less invasive

o psychological talk with yukari at fort stand

o my room wasn't blown up for no reason, i just decided to make a hallway fort because i _felt like it_

o sakuya brought me TENDIES DUDE

o chicken nugget molotov still there because why not

o meet koakuma a little sooner (because not meeting her earlier was a little awkward but hoh)

o fairy card mechanic for some early insane party shenanigans (also reality hacking in some cool fairies because trust me we'll see the shmuckheads again a lot more so we might as well)

\- also remilia has a lot of fairies

\- also it improves on her vampire lore

o conversations with remilia paint her more as a domineering mistress with the _occasional_ charisma break instead of always being angry

o sakuya's just not totally angry anymore because there wasn't a reason for that honestly i guess young me just liked people being mad at me

\- now that i think about it the 'angry anime tsundere' trope is just something really easy to latch onto and write to

\- still can't believe i wrote that two years ago! it really is true when people say past you is a freakin' different person

o fic has a grim event a lot faster

\- grim event helps flesh out how shit goes down in gensokyo

o eientei's more fleshed out and isn't just a meet and greet

o kaguya and mokou actually hate eachother. like, really hate eachother

o mokou TORCHES A BOY MY DUDES

o cut out entire scene returning to manor because screw that

so yeah this chapter required a fucking lot of work but it's cool now

so now the pace is coherent, the jokes are actually agreeable on a my-spine-doesn't-snap level and there's actually emotional variety

hoh

as always, see you all next time!


	5. Plot train's derailing! Oh holy sh-

(in which I question if this fic should still be rated T)

…

Oo~h…

Did I have to sleep on the… floor? Wait, where the fuck…

U~gh. Still… so tired. What did I _do_.

...I blink my eyes open.

Hana's lying on me, her cheek to mine. Well, she's nice and warm, so… aw, there's even a blanket over us. We're still on the floor, so what the fuck.

…

There's… a pillow under my head, though. And… I'm pretty comfy, despite getting crushed into place by this fairy.

Yeah, nevermind. I think I'll just… give up… and feel good.

...Having someone soft lying on you is the best, really. Fairy's _smell good_ , too. Hnngh.

...Too lazy to bother to hug 'er, though. I'll just, stare up, at the white ceiling. Ahaha…

…

"Ugh…" Mokou steps past us, just on the side of my vision as she moves by. "Fuck me…" No, that's not seduction, that's just her being angry at morning too.

Oh, right! We were up gaming all night. What was one gambling game turned into a multi-game multiplayer spree! We fell asleep here, yo. It was a good time. We got all high on energy drinks and fucking _died_.

...Wha- what's that-... oh. Drool. Hana's _drooling_ on me. Ahaa~nh…

Whelp, Mokou being angry and _existing_ \- still can't fuckin' believe I'm in _Gensokyo_ \- has roused me outta slumber.

...Rolling my head to the left-

Why did I even do that. Now Hana's face is _in_ mine… before my face was just in her _hair_.

"Mnh…" She shifts a little, and, Christ…

Y'know, I rail on Jesus a lot, but I don't actually believe in any gods. Well, that might change in _this world_ , but still. I just like using his name in vain. Wahaha!

...Moving my head to the left _more_ , using my arms to keep Hana's head still-ish, I see…

Kaguya's smooth, pale foot, fitted with neat pink nails. She's splayed on the couch right next to us, her leg dangling off the side and close.

...Well, this is a hell of a way to wake up.

"Maauu~..." My shifting makes Hana yawn! Chemical breath; _vape breath!_ Aaa~h!

Tha~t's it, get offa me, fluffy. I might wanna… start my _day_.

Pressing against the floor wit' my elbow, I start sliding out from beneath her, bringing her with me a little-

I press against Kaguya's leg as I start to get up-

Hana wraps her arms around me! "Bra~d… kun." Why~...!?

...Well, now we're half-propped up against the couch, and she's huggin' onto me. I think… I'm in a good enough position to just…

I start to rise a little-

Hana's arm's also on Kaguya's _leg_ , which rises with us, tuggin' 'er. Whelp.

"E- eeh…" Kaguya's awoken! "Wha- what the hell…"

As I stand, I take Kaguya's… leg with me…!

Hana's weight's too much, I'm not that badass…!

While she holds on-

I flop back on the couch, onto Kaguya's legs-

She's got some maroon shorts on! "What the fuck! Hey- hey!"

"Nnh…" I give up again. If it's this hard to wake up, I think I'm just gonna go back to bed. Kaguya's smooth thighs'll make a nice pillow…

 _Ow!_

"Get your filthy fairy shit offa' me!" Kaguya starts hitting me with her free foot! "Perverted piece 'a shit!"

Wohohoa~h! Man, she's so _violent_ with her insults, I don' even take it close ta personal- _Ow!_ Them _legs_ though!

"Aa~h!" I yell as her other leg snakes free of my back and Hana's arm-

 _Pap_. She kicks me off her couch-

Thu- thud. I fall onto Hana-

"Enh…" She goes oof, dude.

And- aah- ahaa~h…

Oh, I see what Hana means now. Yeah, people _are_ a better bed than the floor. She's so fucking _soft_.

"Ooo~!" She grins as I press into her…! "...That feels _good!_ " Holy fuck monkeys.

"What the _fuck_ are you doing." Mokou's sitting at Kaguya's computer chair, across the room a little.

"I don't _fuckin'_ know, dude…" Ho ho ho!

"Being a bunch of _fucks_ , that's what." Bouncing on her cushion, Kaguya maneuvers to get her ass in gear!

...I get up offa' Hana-

She tries to pull me back down. No, friend.

I pull back up! "We gotta freakin'... get-"

 _Click_.

Skirt-chan drops her skirt next to us, her belt unclipping.

…

"I wanna press up against you." Hana, oh my god.

"Buy me _dinner_ , first…!" Du~de!

...Last night, yo. We played some _Soul Calibur 2_ , some Smash _Melee_ , on the television. We pretty much blew the whole day!

...Standing up from Hana, freed from her grasp 'cause 'a _Skirt-chan_ , I look around…

Oh, hey. Kaguya's room… is _clean now_.

Janitor-chan's dusting a small pyramid of Monster cans, at the ornate table in the back. "Messy, messy, messy…"

...Kaguya realizes it, herself! "Woah. You guys see Reisen come in here…?"

"...Who?" Janitor-chan turns back to her.

"Nevermind, I guess…" Holding her head, Kaguya starts walking to the fridge against the wall, near the entrance. "I need a drink…"

"Getting drunk, this early?" With a flat expression, Mokou rose a brow. "Are you some kind of... bottom feeding, scum-sucking _algae eater?_ "

...Kaguya just gives her a tired stare. "S'too early for your bullshit. An', _no_ , I mean _water_ , you _fucking_ … _retard_."

"God damn bitch." Mokou turns away stoically.

...Almost popping a smile, Kaguya swings the fridge open, plucking a mass-produced water bottle out. "Uu~gh…"

Well, while they wake up…

Let's see, where are our other friends, today?

Skirt-chan is- oh yeah, that's right, she's right there, with her skirt down. Her panties are on again, though. I would've noticed if they _weren't_ , trust me.

Panty-cha~n… is-

She's still got the panties from the other night, except she's wearing Kaguya's on her face now. Uh…

Well, good! Anyway…

"I'mma need a water, too…" I prefer to wake up with one! These days, I don't always get one...!

Stumbling up to the fridge past Kaguya, I swing the door open, and take a water. Ain't no Poland Spring, but I'll take it!

Mmgh- glug- gulp…

Alright, cool. Oh, fuck _yeah_. It's a~ll comin' back to me… here on Boomerang! On Cartoon Network! Ma~n.

I look over at Kaguya. "You ever watch _Boomera~ng_ , yo!?"

...She gives me a _vaguely_ furrow-browed stare. "If that was an attempt at hitting on me, you were literally the _first person_ … to _ever_ fuck up that badly, in that short of a time."

"It was not." I clarify. Yeah- no twenty million impossible asswipes for me, dude.

"Eeh, now and then." She shrugs, actually answering the question. Wait- really? "If I feel like having crap on in the background, which I usually _don't_. Cable sucks ass." That's tru~e. The last time I watched _anything_ on TV like, of my own inhibitions, was like… four years ago. Not counting news or whatever bullshit happens ta be on when my parents're in the living room.

Hmm hmm.

…

Why'd I come here again?

Oh, wait, fuck! I forgot all about that prescription! Aa~h…! Ah, well, it's probably still waiting…

I look over at Kaguya. "Yo, I need ten grand."

"Fuck off. Why?" She frowns at me. "If it's drugs, I'll just let you overdose so we can both be through with it." Freakin'...

"I need ta fill someone's prescription and I blew the money like a retard." Honesty's the best policy! "On _this!_ "

I draw the Vortex Hanger! Ooo~...

...Kaguya nods serenely, dude. "So you're, like… a retard, then."

"S'what I said." Mokou agreed!

"No one fucking cares!" Kaguya snaps back at her…!

"Help, friend." Putting away the Vortex Hanger, I look hopeful…!

…

She sighs. "Alright, _fine_. Hell, I'll just make the cost _free_ for today. Same difference."

...Moving up to a receiver on the wall near the fridge, Kaguya pressed a button on it. "He~y. Reisen there?"

" _Yes, I'm here._ " Reisen's voice transmits through it! " _What do you need?_ "

"Do you got a prescription fo~r…" She turns back to me, taking her finger off the push to talk. "Who?"

"Patchouli Knowledge." I nod at 'er!

...Kaguya presses down the knob to speak again. "Patchouli Knowledge."

"... _Yes, I have her prescription here. Why?_ "

"Make it free, and that's an order."

With that, the princess drew her finger back from the receiver and trotted off, stretching and yawning. "Hooa~h…"

" _Um…_ " Reisen wasn't sure what ta do about that! " _Okay, Princess. It will be done. I guess."_

"Yo, thank yo~u." I give 'er a thumbs up! "Yer a life saver, dude."

"Mmm." She flashes me back a smile. "Another happy customer."

...I see Mokou flashin' me a frown!

...Raisin' a hand diplomatically, I speak! "You are both… fun people, yo." I fucked it up, son.

Kaguya eats it up anyway, though. Well, almost. "You mean _me_ , right? There's nothing fun about _this_ bitch, except maybe her mouth, when she gives _succ_." She twirls around, gesturing to Mokou-

Mokou stands up! "I'm gonna ram a boot up your _ass!"_ Can't we all just get along…!?

"You want a boot up your ass?" Kaguya brings a hand to her face, eyes mirthful. "Why, certainly! I'll-"

Bolting from her chair, Mokou's hands meet Kaguya's neck-

"Ngh- _bitch_ …!" Kaguya fights back-

 _FWAM!_ A blast of danmaku blams Mokou in the face-

 _FWOOM!_ Flames start licking Kaguya! " _Aaa~h!_ "

"He- hey! Hey!" ...Who the fuck's that?

...The girls stop trying to gib each other, looking around. Kaguya's _partially seared_ , and Mokou's crackling with danmaku electricity, jolts dancing around her clothes…

"Is this thing on?"

We look over at her computer, the monitor on.

On the other side 'a the monitor, there's this guy. Dude's some boy with an _Anonymous mask_. What the fuck, yo.

...Kaguya pushes away from Mokou, walking up to the screen. "He- hey- ow…" Pausing, she lets her _skin regenerate_ from the fire...

"...Who the fuck is this? _Kaguya?_ " The guy fawkes mask dude speaks in deep! " _...Kaguya Houraisan!?_ "

"Stop yelli~ng." Kaguya chastises him idly, rubbing her hands across her eyes. "Ugh."

"What did you do with Tom!?" What, who.

I march towards the screen! "Tom from Hellfirecomms!?"

...He shakes his head. "Who? Tom Barker! Where is he!?"

Aw, damn it. Oh well. "...Wha's he look like?" I probably don't, but uh… "Maybe- maybe I can phone ya through!"

…

He leans forward! "What do you _mean?_ "

Alright, I guess I'll guess, then! "Brown hair, suit, um…" That outsidey man, right? Is he in contact wit' this anon?

"Probably him." He nods! "Has he started his factory project yet? Who are you?"

"Well…" I, eheheh. "For starters, he's _dead!"_

...Maskie just tilts his face!

"I'm the dude that saw his brains get blown out, up close!" I pat my upper chest! "Hi."

…

The guy- I assume- nodded. "Excellent. I won't have to kill him, then." Oh, huh, small world.

I point at 'em. "Who're _you?_ "

"I don't answer questions." He shook his head. Reaching down, he pulled up a black pistol from his desk behind the monitor. What, s'he gonna shoot the camera? Freakin'-

 _BAM_

Holy fucking shit-

 _BAM BAM BAM_

...He could've fucking _killed me!_

The wall Kaguya's monitor was facing's now got bullet holes in it! Jesus Christ! I'm crouched down now, so he can't fucking _blow me up_...

"Alright…" Mokou makes for the monitor. "What the fuck is-"

 _BAM_

 _Splat!_

Oh- oh my god! Mokou…!

...Red stains Kaguya's white couch, the innards of Mokou's head splashing out the back.

"Gh- ngh…" Dropping to her knees, she convulses pitifully, her limbs locking up in a rigid manner. "Gnnh- nn~h- aackh- juh…"

 _Thud_. Resting on her side, her head partially open and brain exposed, she slowly came to rest on the ground before me. What the _fu~ck_ …

Kaguya's totally indifferent. "God damn it. I can't believe I pissed off someone, only to have them _actually_ try to shoot me through the internet."

She shuffled behind me, before getting on her knees, and reaching under the couch…

"I'm sorry about that." Yeah, fuck you! "Who was that man?" You just shot Mokou's fucking brains out!

Hana's still on the ground from earlier, rolling up to me as I'm crouched down. "Nnh…" She looks afraid. Aww…

"Wh- whats…" Janitor-chan walks over, before freezing, seeing the blood. "Mmp…!" She covers her mouth with one hand. "Mmm~!" She lets out a muffled scream into it!

...Skirt-chan just stares down at Mokou's corpse, unwilling to drop her pants.

...Kaguya stands back up from behind the counter, holding up a smooth, white rifle! "Hehehe~!" Oh, shit, man. Kaguya's bringing out the _techno-AKs,_ man…!

After getting close to the screen, she stops at the border as if it was a corridor wall…

"Who was that man?" The guy keeps talking! "Kaguya-chan, are you there?"

...She jerks her head back at the addressal, before rounding the corner-

 _Chu- chu- chu- chu- chu- chu!_ She unloads into the computer, yo!

 _Crack- Fzzt!_

The screen collapses into a smouldering heap.

…

" _Fuu~ck!_ " Kaguya roars!

 _Bam!_ She slams the gun against the floor so hard it _bounces_! Pft- hahaha~! "Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck!"

She knelt before her monitor, and grabbed the parts. "My baby~...!"

Whelp. Tha~t just happened. _Cyberterrorism_ , yo.

…

Taking a sponge and a cloth, Janitor-chan slowly, mournfully begins to wipe Mokou's blood from the white leather couch. "Oo~h…"

 _Fwi~sh_. Warm, amber light glows from Mokou's corpse…

I look down at her, an' see her head stuff is back! There's a red puddle _under_ her, but her stuff is back!

"Ngh…" Holding her head, she begins to get back up. "Holy _fuck_. Did... you hide a fuckin' _hammer_ up your ass again…?"

Kaguya shook her head. "No~. Some motherfucker shot your brains out through my scree~n…"

She rested her face on the desk the screen was on. "Kill me no~w…"

"...You feelin' alright?" Mokou was skeptical of the opportunity!

I guess Kaguya dunno the anon, then.

Hana slowly rises from the floor right next to Mokou. Then, she speaks in her ear! "How are you alive get up move just like befo~re…?" Alive get up move just like before, dude.

...Mokou smiles at 'er. "Dyin' just ain't my style, sweetie."

"She's such a slut, death won't take her…" Despite mourning her screen, Kaguya wouldn't relent!

"Guess that makes two of us." Mokou looms over her…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Alright, yo…" Stepping out of the front door of Eientei, I wave back. "Thanks for the pills, Reese!"

"...Please stop calling me that." Reisen gave me a smile, and a wave! "Tell Patchouli I said hi."

Can do, dude. Oh, yeah, and… "Y'know how I can get outta the woods, yo?" I need help!

...Reisen looked around idly. "What happened to Mokou?"

Hana interjects for me! "She died."

...Giving her a flat stare, Reisen nodded. "Okay. Well…"

 _Click_. Skirt-chan dropped her skirt again, next to her.

"That girl needs therapy." Reisen looks perturbed…!

"She's a _nut!_ " Yo~! There's _anotha'_ girl!

Tewi drops from the roof over us, landing flawlessly! "She's _crazy_ in the _coconut!_ "

Hana smiles wider, bringing her arms up! "Now, what does that mean?"

"That girl needs _therapy._ " Reisen reiterates herself…!

"I'm gonna kill _yo~u!_ " Mokou's yell is heard from somewhere over the clinic…!

Tewi holds out her arms! "That girl needs _therapy!"_

Here at the front, the bamboo canopy looks as thick and oppressive as ever…!

I turn to Reisen. "Do ya got any things that help with gettin' the hell outta here? Reese?" Reeses peeses, du~de!

...She smiles at me. You know, she never even really uses her eye thi-

 _Fwish._ Her eyes flashed as I stared into them, red overwhelming my vision.

Oh. Oo~h… woah.

...I- I wanna cry. And, laugh. Awa- waa~h…

" _Come with me._ " Tewi's voice echoes, the only thing in this world of color her, the blurry blue forms of my fairies…

And…

I fall.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

 _Thud_. Oh…

I'm on my limbs, somewhere sunny. Scrambling back up…

Oh, I'm outside the bamboo! Bright sunshine, and shiny grass meets my gaze...

"There ya go, old pal dude!" Tewi patted my back! "I'd nick your change, but y'don't have any!" Woohoo!

"Aw, thanks, fluffy!" I didn't know Tewi did nice things for people! Well, almost nice things!

 _Woosh_. Woah- what.

...Tewi's in the air, spinning around.

Panty-chan is under her, arms outstretched, clutching the air.

"Y'may've taken _everyone else's_ panties…" Tewi beams down at 'er! "But'cher not gettin' _mine!_ Fuhehe~!"

With that, Tewi flies off.

"Aw…" Hana watches her accelerate off. "I wanted to touch her ears."

...Reisen's eye magic was fucking _weird_. I guess she just overloaded my senses and wrote to them, or some shit. Wow.

"Mister…" Janitor-chan looks worried! "Are- are you okay now? You… weren't okay."

"Nope." I shake my head. "She killed me, dude."

...Janitor-chan just frowns. "That's… not really funny." Wha~t. How. _I_ think it's funny!

Oh, well. I mean, yeah, seeing Mokou get _brained_ made me kinda squeamish for a moment, too. Like… again, violent video games don't really help. And unlike that other boy… that was _Mokou!_ A girl I respected got shot so hard she fell down and had a seizure and _died_ , mind ruined by a bloody iron pellet.

...Thankfully, she's freakin' immortal, and a headshot's probably not unfamiliar to her, considering the staff here. There's a lot more funny bunny people than just Reisen!

That was a pretty good game night, though! I wouldn't mind stopping back here anotha' time. Who else in Gensokyo'd have computers…

Kappa? Eeh. Probably not _our_ computers…

Also, holy shit Panty-chan. She's got like a stack of _four_ now. I think she got a second pair from Reisen. Tewi was too slick, unfortunately. I don't know what the hell we're even going to do with heroine panties.

"Let's go~!" Hana starts walking! Where're we goin', yo…!?

...Man. I had a nickname for Reisen, but it's- ohp, yep, it's gone. Fuck, what was it…? It began with 're'. Well… yeah. Reeee~!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Please?" So _this_ is where Hana wanted to go…

"No." This guard had long black hair, his expression tired.

"Plea~se…" Hana marches in place! "I'm cute!"

"No." This dude's dead inside, yo.

 _Thu- thu- thu- thump!_ She marches at hyper speed…! "Mmrr~m!"

...He blinks lazily.

"Solomon and sons." I nod at him. "Nuggetcorps."

...No response. Freakin'...

Also, we're at the gate that leads to Eientei. Pre~tty sure the Hakurei Shrine gate'd just turn us away, like last time. The village's walls are like, eighteen feet tall about, it seems.

Janitor-chan steps forward! "Um…"

…He gives 'er a _dead look_.

"Mister…" She shifts about in a cuddly manner. "I- we, I mean-... we signed up for a janitor position. Mm- Mistress wanted us to… learn how to work."

…

"Alright." Oh. Wow.

The guard turns to open the gate. "Be goo~d, kids…"

...So, we got inside the village, it seems!

Skirt-chan and Panty-chan rumble in ahead of us. Hana moves to fly in behind them-

"Do- don't fly!" Janitor-chan yells at her! "Just… walk!"

"...Whah? Oka~y…" Landing, Hana looks around awkwardly, suddenly displaced. Aw.

Anyway, I got Patchy's meds now. I dunno why we're even in the village, but we might as well take a meander about.

There's a buncha people out, today! Also, these buildings are _still_ ultra crap. _Plywood huts_. Man, they live in serious poverty over here…!

...People see us, they move to the _other side of the road_ or scrunch up like we're gonna shit on 'em. Which, y'know, we _won't_. It'd be _weird…!_ I don't even know if fairies can, like…

Back on track! Yeah- we don't look _normal_ , do we. We got a fairy with _panties_ on her face, and a _collection_. We got a _janitor_. We got _me_ , and I probably look like a freakin'... I dunno, something not healthy! Maybe a mage. My appearance fits it, even if I'm a box of rocks when it comes to magic.

As we move down the village road, we pass by shoddy storefronts, droll lookin' places, alleys large and small…

Man. Kinda glad I didn't go _here_ first thing, even if I spent my first few days getting batted around.

We're in the center of the villa~ge!

...Stalls! This part of the village's got produce stalls, and fun stuff.

The villagers don't move out of our way here 'cause there's a lot. So, we just… sort of move along the edges of the square, so we don't get _gotten_.

We are forced to clump up, though!

Hana rams herself into me, becoming unnecessarily close…! "Hi…" Yeah, hi.

"S- so…" Janitor-chan's close behind us, the two noobs covering the rear behind her. " _Dirty_ …" Don't gas the place, now, yo…!

Suddenly, Keine wades through the crowd, reachin' us! "Hey."

"Wohoa~h!" Where'd _you_ come from!?

"What're you _doing_ here…?" She looks my fairy party over! "Were you sent on errand?"

"Ye." I nod. "These're _fairy folk_ , I'mma _human_."

...For now, Keine accepts that. "I can see that. Did you come for anything?"

"Just ta look around, for now…" I speak to her as I kinda try to continue past her… 'n' lead the fairy party through the place. The layout of the main roads is _not_ hard. Two long roads that intersect in the middle.

"...As long as you don't cause any trouble." She sighs, moving to walk along our side "The village has been… uppity, as of late."

Uppity, huh. "I'll keep it in, uh…"

There's a _tall_ building down the road we're about ta head down. Like, a proper outside world building, except a little short. It's like five or six stories tall, which is three or more four stories than every other building I've seen so far.

Bright sunlight plainly splays the village, but an imposin' shadow's cast by the big place…!

"...Don't go in there, by the way." Keine advises us! "If you were sent to buy anything. That's Golden Grin, a casino." Somebody played Payday 2!

I look at Keine! "Say, yo-"

"Bye, mom!"

A short girl with bobby, light blond hair exits a one-and-a-half story house next to the Golden Grin, holding a cute little basket. "Love you~!"

...She starts to trot out into the village road, giving us a brief glance as she continues into the crowd.

Hoh. Friendly people live here, dude.

To the left of the house she left is a blank lookin' building! "Yo. Let's go there, yo!" The door's one of them _saloon-type_ doors, making it look inviting. Plus, I got _friends_ , so if it's a proper bar full of thugs we can just toss a fairy in and panic and run away.

"Hmm…?" Keine's got no idea what I'm doin'!

We move towards the proper two story place thing, and I advance inside…!

Crea~k. The bar's saloon doors creak as I swing 'em open…

Oh. There's nothing in here except for a bar counter, some tables, and some shelves in the back.

"Ooo~..." Hana steps further inside. "It's spooky in here."

"Wh- why did we come here…" Janitor-chan approaches one of the dusty, unused tables. "Eeh…"

Aw, stuffs. I start to press inward-

"Um, guys." Keine's puttin' on her teacher voice, dude…! "I think it's a _little early_ for you to start invading rundown properties..."

"But is it _really,_ yo." I start to advance towards the counter…!

As I round it, Keine speaks more. "Yes, it is, really. You could get hurt for trespassing like this, you know. And, this isn't really… legal. Squatting isn't, anyway. I guess if you're just _checking it out_ , that's excusable."

Yeah, chill Keine, I'm just _exploring_. Don't have a freakin' cow, yo…

"Ah…" Keine gasps, for some reason!

Rounding the counter, I crouch and look under it!

...There's a fluffle down here, with some yen on the floor before it, and a steel block. It looks up at me. "youre early" Aw.

...It bends down from its seated position, and nuzzles the steel block towards me. "here here"

 _Fwoof._ The fluffle _died_ , collapsing into dust before me. What the fuck.

Oh, well. Guess I'll just… take this _four thousand yen_ , and the block. Did I just find like, a freakin' secret or some shit?

I stand up, pocketing the stuff! "I guess… we've got no business here."

"Come on. I'll give you a tour, perhaps." Keine gestures for us to get outta this spooky decrepit bar. Actually, where's the stairs to the other floor? Oh well. "I haven't seen… well, _any_ of you around, before."

Panty-chan's got a new pair of panties. Aw, rip Keine.

"I'm actually an outsider." I make a serious statement, for once in my life! "Except, well, I know a _little more_ about-"

"Oh, really…!?" Keine looks surprised! "...I suppose, in that instance, I should show you some essentials, and places to eat. Did, um…" She gains a focused expression. "Did _Sakuya_ send you?"

I shake my head. "Nope! Just passin' through, yo."

"Huh." She nods in consideration! "Well. You _should_ consider scouting the place, I suppose... I thought you'd simply come here to do something _illicit_ for the manor, so… sorry." Aw.

I wave 'er off! "S'all good, yo. I'm fluffy."

Hana gets close to me… "He's fluffy." Yeah, dude. One of four fairies says so, dude.

...Janitor-chan's fully dusted off one of the tables to our side… "There. Bette~r…"

"Let's get goin', yo." I gesture for her to-

 _Click_.

Skirt-chan drops her skirt in front of Keine, now that we have the moment.

…

Keine furrows her brows at me. "On second thought, I have some questions." Wahaha!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Well, we've reached the other entire end of the village from where we started!

"So…" Keine gave me a small sheet, as we reached the gate across the village from the Eientei gate. "Here's a map. I know you're kind of in a hurry to… do whatever it is you're doing, but give it a glance at some point. It'll help you, I think."

Yeah, I didn't get a tour, but I did get this _sweet map._ It should show me some things I need to know for a little while…

...Um. It's- lemme just…

"Yo, Keine?" I give her a grin…! "...I can't read Japanese."

...She blinks. "... _Oh._ Um… okay. I'll… annotate it in..."

"English." I hand her the map back! "Ye."

...Slipping a _modern pen_ from her pocket, she clicks it open, and moves for a nearby wall. "Here, hold on…"

"Really." Janitor-chan gives me a disappointed stare…!

...I grin at 'er! "Hey, yo. I'm _Americano_ , not _Japanacano_." Ho ho!

"I'm Americano!" No you're not, Hana.

 _Cli- cli- clink!_ The gate to the village clanks open before us, despite us not talking to the bored looking guard there! Hoh. Maybe someone's coming in…

...Man, the clouds in the sky look _fluffy_ today. Today's just great weather, really. Lemme just inhale some 'a this day time air!

Man. Back at home, I spent all day being entertained at a computer! Now I can be bored in a really pretty environment!

Also- I dunno why we went to _this_ gate. I just kinda followed along with Keine's walking momentum. We're gonna have to backtrack a little, but _maybe_ I can get something with that four grand 'a yen I scooped up…

"Here." Keine turned to me, and gave over the map. "I've listed everything in English, this time." Woo.

I pocket it. "Thanks, friend. You're _fluffy._ "

"...You're welcome, I think." She gives me a smile!

...Looking over at Panty-chan, she sees that pair of light blue panties in her hands, amongst _others_.

"...Tho- those are mine!" Keine points at her! She starts runnin'-

When I look back, Panty-chan's gone. Ooo~!

Keine whips her head around. "Wh- what…!?" ...Then, she faces us! "What was _that!?_ "

I hold my arms out! "S' _her_ way 'a sayin' hello!"

"It- it really is…" Janitor-chan looks _depleted_. "I'm sorry if- if, you know, it caused you any trouble…"

...Keine sighs, before focusing on me. "You'll have to keep a leash on her. Metaphorically, I mean. She can't just go around doing that."

"I'll look into it." I vow to her. No I won't…!

"...Alright." With that, Keine turns around, ready to go. "Do you need me for anything else, or…?"

"Pro~bably not." I decide. "We're gonna go back down _that road_ anyway." I point to _that road_ , yo.

"Ah, alright." She nods…

So we continue down 'that road'! The _only_ road, yo. All the diverting building paths are more like… not really _roads_ , although I guess some of them are. Pretty much every road's a glorified dirt path, except some are alleyways and some look to be… bigger alleyways, with lanterns. Cool.

Anyway, as we move down the road…

 _Di- di~ng!_ A shop's little bell rings nearby! Aw…

It's a tiny looking place. Out of the sort of shoddy glass door-

 _Yuuka Kazami_. Green hair, _red eyes_ , plaid vest thing and skirt, white undershirt…

She sniffs a blue flower, kept in a tiny flowerpot, as she steps outside…

...Next to me, Keine coasts towards her a little, but doesn't immediately make conversation, as we pass by-

"Good morning." Tha~t's directed at us, innit…!? I think me staring's not helping!

Keine instantly snaps away from us! "Good morning to you too, Kazami. Buying flowers, again?"

"Mmm." Yuuka glances down at it, before glancing at _me._ "...Quite."

Snapping her gaze to me, Keine's eyes widen a little, and she gestures for me to come closer behind her back…!

"Yeah, hello!" Alright yo, let's just act simple! "Good morning, world!"

"I see we have _another_ outsider, here…" Yuuka gave me a gentle smile. "Good morning."

Truly the greatest of mornings. Not sure what kind of Yuuka this is, but if Keine's _franticness_ earlier was anything to go by…

"Tell me…" Yuuka's gaze is relaxed, but kinda… "How do the plants outside fare?"

...Do I lie, or do I tell the truth? Does she shoot the messenger? I'm gonna assume… _probably not_. "Well, okay, I think!" In some cases! "They're not doin' _bad_ , but we're not doin' em any favors."

"...I see." She blinks once.

 _Click_. Oh, shit.

Skirt-chan drops her skirt next to Yuuka…!

...Yuuka slowly peers down at her.

I look over at Janitor-chan. She doesn't wanna say _nothin'_.

...I look over at Panty-chan. Wait- didn't she flee when Keine was pissed at her? Why's she back!? Maybe she was just… _somewhere_.

She's got a pair of flannel panties in her hand. Whelp.

"...I was going to pay you." Yuuka declared. "However, it seems you've already chosen your payment."

Ahahaha~h. Alright. So~... do we _keep_ the panties, o~r…?

…

Holding the flower pot with one hand-

 _Woosh_. She twirls her parasol from off her back-

 _Woosh!_ She jabbed it towards where Panty-chan was, but she's gone!

"Now, Kazami." Keine moves to mediate! "You needn't-..."

Stepping forward, Yuuka slowly progresses towards us…!

I step back, holdin' a hand up! "...Hi. What's, uh… what's up?"

Hana doesn't back up with me! "You look soft…"

...Yuuka just stops before her, looking the fairy up and down.

"What's your name?" Hana's a brave fairy, dude. "My name's Hana!"

...Yuuka holds her blue flower close to the fairy-

 _Fwa~sh!_

With a flash of azure light, Hana was frozen solid!

" _Kazami!"_ Keine moves to stop her! "Look-"

 _Bam!_ When Keine moves to stop her, Yuuka just stomps on her _shoe_.

"Ngh…!" Hopping on one foot before floating into the air, Keine falls back…!

"Kazami Yuuka." Yuuka _does_ actually fulfill Hana's request, and tells us her name. How thoughtful, dude.

...I step back more, moving down the road as Yuuka continues towards me…!

"So~!" I clap my hands together! "What's the sco~re!?" Aa~h…

The flower pot floating beside her, she quicks her pace to a _slow walk_. Aaa~h!

Y'know what.

Turning around, I start runnin'! "Nice meeting yo~u! I really gotta go~!"

Alright… just gonna freakin-

 _Cra- cra- crack!_ From the villager-devoid road ahead 'a me, _small vines_ erect, blocking my way…! Not the ankle-high vines!

...Reachin' into my bag, I draw the Vortex Hanger!

Alright…

I take a glance back at Yuuka- _how_ do you get _that far_ with _that_ slow of a walk…!

Running forward-

I jump…!

The vines stretch up towards my legs-

Flailing my limbs, I feel myself ascend again…! Haha~! Evaded-

 _Woosh_. I swing the hanger so the landing won't fuck me as hard-

 _Thu- thud_. Agh, _damn_. Landing… fucked me pretty hard, not gonna lie.

...Getting back up-

 _Cra- cra- cra- crack!_ Oh- whelp, not jumping over _those_ vines. Those ones're as tall as me…!

I steal a glance back at the youkai- _she's gaining holy shit!_

Turning to the side, I run towards one of the alleys…!

...She's not stopping me. Is… there a limit on the vines? Did I lose-

 _Cra- cra- crack!_ Oh, big vines form the moment I get an intersection, stopping me from going straight ahead. So instead, I go left-

 _Cra- cra- crack!_ Nevermind, vines. I go _right_ …

Rushin' down the right corridor amidst the buildings, I come to a clearing…!

 _Bam- bam!_ Huge, spiky nettles of plant matter erect at both exits to the clearing. Holy _fuck_ what kind of plants are those!? They're like _spiky cones_ , except with random flowery bits at the top…

...Yuuka's not even _behind me_ yet, she's just up and boxed me in. Is she just screwing with me…!?

I reach into my bag. Come on, there's gotta be fucking _something_. There's no convenient boxes to jump off of to get onto roofs or something, just some _trash cans_ and abandoned ropes and wood planks and crap.

...Inside my bags more hangers, which just _aren't_ gonna damage Yuuka, I'm sure. Fuu~ck…

I do have… _this thing_.

Thud. I take out the yin-yang flail I made impulsively a few chapters ago! I don't know. Maybe it'd do _something…?_

Let's try hitting one of those nettles with it!

...Standing tall, my legs apart, I slowly lu~g the thing into the air, and…

 _Woosh… Woosh. Woosh, woosh, woosh, woosh…_

I begin spinning it up! Alright, yo, time to get rid of that freakin'...

 _Crack- snap!_ I slam it down into the huge nettle plant blocking the way!

...Yeah, no. The plant just kind of takes the hit and shimmers. Sickly green bubbles start to drip and expand from the thing after I hit it…

 _Maybe_ I could burn it, but by the time I'd've started a wildfire, I'm pretty sure I'd be dead. Uum.

...I look back at the alley-

Yuuka's rounding the corner I took earlier…! Oo~h shit!

...Freakin'- I swing the Vortex Hanger I've got, taking a hand off the flail rope since all the momentum's dead now anyway-

 _Woosh_ \- _woosh_. Wind bellows off the hanger, pushing me just a little.

...Wait. If swinging this thing makes _wind_ that _pushes,_ and the flail is always swinging while in use…

I need to find a way to slap this shit onto the flail right the fuck _now!_

Stealing another glance at Yuuka- who's getting _closer and closer_ to the alley- I hobble over to the crap along the side of the clearing, and start stealing some of that _rope._ Maybe a trash can lid'll help too…

Alright, I drag everything to the middle of the clearing- perhaps back a bit- and kneel down to get to work!

Rope through hanger, hanger goes, just… _somewhere_ on the bottom of the orb. Is that the bottom? Fuck it, no time…!

Rope goes where? Panties? Just- fasten it _everywhere_. Fortunately, rope's pretty easy to knot 'cause it's _rope_ , even if this is kind of crappy rope.

Alright, test one, is it fucking attached. Standing, I tug at the ropes and crap and shit-

Yes, kind of! I made _at least_ two knots, and coiled the rest like a fuckin' _coil god_ so I should be good for the like ten minutes to _get the hell out of here_.

Let's see this not work!

 _Woosh_. I give the flail its first toss. Feels a little weird spinning it now…

Turning as I swing it up-

Yuuka's in the clearing now, slowly marching towards me! Holy _shit!_

 _Woosh. Woosh, woosh…_

As the flail spins up, it accelerates faster than before. I can feel my clothes billow just a little from the wind flaring off of the hanger, as it's constantly 'swung' by the orb's momentum...

 _Wooshwooshwooshwooshwoosh!_

As it picks up momentum, I don't even have to try to swing it so much anymore…!

Oh- oh, holy shit…!

I pick up my legs! It's fucking _ascending!_ I'm going to heaven, dude!

"Woa~h!" Yeheha~h! We have _liftoff!_ Up 'n' up 'n' awa~y we go! Get me the hell outta here! Brad: one, Yuuka: _zero!_

Slowly, I raise up, and past the rooftops…! Alright! Now… hmm… where-

A hand clasps the back of my collar.

"Why don't we have some tea?"

 _Holy fuck man what the fuck-_

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...I'm sitting at a tiny garden table, my jimmies thoroughly rustled.

Yuuka pours herself a cup of tea across the table from me.

"I'm sure you've noticed the weather's… incomplacency, lately." Also, Kanako Yasaka's here, for _some unholy reason_. Or, rather, some _holy_ reason! Waha… ha?

The sunflower field's pretty big, and pretty beautiful! Sitting at the table on the middle hill here, I'm able to see a field of bright, shimmering sunflowers…

The sky is blue dude, and I'm gonna _pray my ass off_ that Kanako gets me the _hell outta here_. Divine intervention when!?

"Quite." Yuuka was giving Kanako a flat stare. "Explain it to me."

"Someone's interfering with it." Kanako gave a simple explanation. "My powers are acting unpredictably, despite my influence. There's something unnatural going on."

"You are the goddess of weather." Yuuka made a statement, yo. "If you cannot manipulate weather, you are no god."

Kanako furrowed her brows. "...My specialty lies in _wind_ , with weather being part of it."

"If it's the fault of a mortal, smite them." Yuuka's pretty insistent to solve whatever's going on! "I don't care for your excuses."

Slowly, Kanako gets more perturbed… "I'm giving _context_. Don't worry about your precious flowers. If the rain becomes too scant, I'll see to it that you get as much as requested."

"And if it floods?" Yuuka has not taken her eyes off Kanako or even _blinked_ one freakin' time this whole encounter.

Kanako hasn't necessarily been blinking either. "I'll have someone _see to it_ that you're protected, then. Do not forget that I'm one of the most influential gods of the mountain."

"Among the few who bother." Yuuka gives a… 'flat' retort. She's been pretty level this entire time! "The other couple being that pitiful misfortune goddess, and your lover."

...Kanako's brow twitched at the latter, but she didn't jump on it! "Hmhm. Even so."

…

Rapping her fingers on the garden table, Yuuka is _still_ staring into Kanako's soul. "Speaking of which… my plants could use some water _now_."

"...I might as well." Frowning, Kanako transitions her gaze to me. "...Allow me a moment."

Yuuka smiles. "A moment? How the mighty have fallen. You should be able to whip up a rainstorm at the thought."

Kanako glares at her. "It'd be easy if the condensation didn't so simply _cease_. The only workaround now is working up what used to be the equal of a great flood, and pouring it all down at once. Only a trickle makes it."

"That sounds like a personal problem." Oof! Yuuka just freakin' tore into her, yo!

...Kanako just _exhales_. Dayum.

…

I shift in my chair, and drink from the little pink tea cup Yuuka put out for me. "...Hi."

They snap their heads to me…!

"...My name's _Stahl._ " I feel doomed.

...No response. Help.

Reaching into my bag, I take out the H2O Hanger. "Here, friend…" I place it on the table, for Kanako. "It makes water. Maybe it will help you, someday."

...She gives it a stare-

 _Woosh_. It shoots across the table, landing in her hand and briefly splashing her with water from its velocity. She doesn't react to gettin' splashed, though.

"Ah, huh." She raises a brow at it! "This will do." Ooh?

...Her chair slides back, and she drifts out of it. Then-

" _Hnh!_ " She bends down, thrusting the hanger into the ground-

 _BOOM- FWUUU~SH!_

Wooa~h! A _tall_ geyser roars from the grass next to the table…!

With all the thickness of the huge tree next to Yuuka's shack some distance away, the _giant geyser_ dims the land nearby, giving it a flowy complexion as the gush of water reaches its apex…

Kanako reels her arm back, leaping back with one leg, before thrusting forward into the midst of the geyser-

 _FWAAA~M!_

The shaft of water explodes up and outwards. The liquid flooding up suddenly comes to an end, and everything above is blasted so far up it's like she just took all the water and pushed it somewhere else…!

…A small rush of wind is left over after all the water was thrust up.

After a moment, it began to rain, a rainbow forming over the whole sunflower field.

Kanako sits back down, her chair scooting itself in as she crosses a leg, propping an arm under her head. She's dry again, too!

I stare up into the sky, taking in how the water glimmers as it rains down in clumps across the field and glitters in the sunlight.

Yeah, holy shit, she totally just fucking uppercutted a geyser and made it _rain_. I guess that's the power of a god…!

Behind her, the soil rended by the watery shaft from earlier slowly began to shift back into place, vines beginning to writhe about within.

Yuuka had her eyes on the plant hanger, giving it a blank stare.

It slid across the table again, before resting before me.

"Cute water relic." Kanako complimented it! "...I'd never thought to carry one with me. I'm sure the kappa have more than enough for me to request a few."

I'm getting soaked! "I see, yo…"

As I slip away the hanger, Kanako continues. "You look untraditional for a human, in this geology. Are you an outsider, perhaps?" Oo~h. Sharp…!

"Ye." I nod, yo. "I am from… beyond these walls!"

"Are you familiar with technology, Stahl?" Who- oh. Freakin'...! I'm _Stahl,_ dude.

And, indeed! "Yeah, yo. And my name's not-"

"Yasaka." Yuuka _interjected me_ , dude. "I hadn't expected you, though I appreciate what you've done here. I ask that you leave."

...Kanako darts her gaze between me and Yuuka-

" _Now._ " Yuuka wants her gone…!

...Focusing on me again, Kanako starts to get up. "Stahl-"

Yuuka stands-

 _Woosh_. And she _leaps-_

Kanako begins spinning around-

Ooh- holy shit I'm spinning too- aa~h!

 _Woo- woo- woo- woo_ -

Goodbye, chair! What the fu-

 _Woosh…_

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

 _Fiwoo~sh! Woo- woosh…_

Oo~h shit I'm dizzy…

Quickly, the ground returns under me, except it's a freakin'... _wood porch_. Where the hell…

 _Thud_. I fall on my _ass_ … _!_

"...My apologies about the abrupt transportation." Kanako apologizes to me while I regain my bearings! "You must have done something unfortunate to incur Kazami's… interest."

Oh, good. It wasn't even me, yo…!

"I'll wait for you inside." With that, Kanako begins to pace into the shrine we're at. I think she took us to the Moriya Shrine. Y'know, as opposed to dumping me on Reimu's lap for no reason, or an _undisclosed third party_. I wonder if there's any other Shinto shrines…

Well, anyway. I think… I'm good!

U~p and at 'em. I proceed through the open shrine door, where Kanako's seated inside.

She takes a sip of her tea… "There. Far less _rural_ than Kazami's blend…"

"So~, yo…" Hello, god friend. Fancy meetin' ya here. "What do me do do, do?"

…

She gives me a curious stare! "Excuse me?"

Alright, maybe I'm too comfortable! I mean I _did_ just escape the _clutches 'a death_ by divine intervention, so I kinda have a right to be freakin' weird. "What'cha bring me _here_ for, yo?"

"Ah." She nods. "I was wondering if you could look at some of our technology. We have a computer, you see, and it became unresponsive as of this morning." This morning…? I remember what happened to Kaguya's. That was some shit…

"Where is it, yo?" I know my computers! I spent three fourths of my life hunched over one!

Kanako pointed to the rightmost door into the shrine's rear. "That way, down the hall and to the left." Yo ho ho! "But, first, what do you know? I should have asked you sooner."

...After considering this, I respond! "I'm a web developer, yo."

...She furrows her brows. "You're not an arachnid."

Do you even computers. "Freakin'- web _sites_. Like… pages. Browsers. FTP protocol!"

...She gives a brisk nod! "Well, you seem to know what to do. Go forth." Pfft…

"Aye aye, yo!" I give the goddess a salute, before moving to fulfill her holy quest!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Sanae's room is nice, because she's a nice girl.

Well, more specifically, it's _kind of_ neat, but her desk is about as cluttered as Kaguya's room was, while the kotatsu and her bed is curiously made. It's an only _moderately_ messy room, dude.

"Uh…?" Sanae's cute. "Who're you…?"

" _Let's_ get _dangerous!"_ I am ready to computer!

…

I turn to Sanae. "I'm an _outsidey man_. Da~h, Kanako sent me to perform _percussive maintenance,_ on your _beast machine_."

...She tilts her head! "Really? Wow. That's…" Then, she snapped her fingers! "It must be a miracle!"

Ho ho! "I wouldn't say that just yet…!" Let's see, what's wrong with it…

...While I size up the currently powered-on box and the blank monitor, she speaks. "I was play- _using_ it, when the screen went dark. I tried restarting it and stuff, but after the boot screens it just, poof." Aah. Yeah, 'poof' is the worst.

...Might be a _monitor_ problem. Man, this shrine has a colorful… _color_ scheme. I like blue.

Also- I'm not just thinking to myself like a retard, I'm tryin' ta… get behind the monitor here, and see if it's all _plugged in_ correctly. Them plugs can be bullshit on either side, really.

On the back end 'a the monitor, the plug seems to be… hmm, pretty tight, actually. Guess I'll check the box end, then. I should _probably_ be doing this with the power off, but if I find 'em shakey, _then_ I'll turn it off.

But, yeah, this shrine's got a really _different_ aesthetic to Reimu's. It's a little more suburban, while Reimu's feels like the freakin' abandoned top of the world. They're both pretty good…

The irony is that this one's supposed to be on a mountain! Reimu's still on a hill, though.

Also, nope, the plug back here is _pretty_ tight.

...Is the monitor _on?_ Lemme- oh, yeah, it's on alright, 'cause I just turned it off. Lemme just…

"See?" Sanae had her arms on her hips. "I don't know what to do~... I can't just leave it be."

You could be like Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, and sit in the shrine's basement and code directly into the router. That- or you could just hog Kaguya's for the time being, or start a lesbian relationship with her or something. Maybe Kaguya even has a few…! Not sure if they're all outbound connected, though.

...Sanae stomps the ground! "Don't just stare at me~! How's it look!?"

"I've got no idea!" Aaa~h!

"Da~rn…" Pouting, Sanae stumbles to her bed and _sits_ on it. "This sucks."

Maybe I have to solve a keycard puzzle, dude. Imagine if the shrine had keycard doors.

Reaching forward, I turn the monitor on again-... hmm. Nothing.

I try Ctrl Alt Delete…

...Oh, the security screen came up! I cancel out-

A~nd there it is. Desktop and everything. Nice mecha anime background. I half wanted to see Sanae have a background of _herself_.

"I think this works, yo." I beckon her over!

...Moving back over here, she gapes! "Wa~h. You fixed it!"

"Ye!" I look over at 'er! "You leave this on for like, two weeks're som'n?"

...She looks away. "Well, ehehe, maybe…"

"S'not a bad thing, but your display drivers or somethin' might be gunkin' up, 'cause it's been on so long. So now whenever it idles, you gotta control alt delete to actually wakey wakey eggs and bakey it." Based on a real issue I had!

...Taking in this information, Sanae leans towards the screen. "Oka~y…" Sanae is also _pretty pretty._ That attire's not helping! Why do you guys wear bloomers for the cold but don't cover your armpits…!?

...Aw, that reminds me!

Taking out my 3DS, I flip it open and start to initialize the photo app! I got it charged while I was at Kaguya's, since she has a _gaming shrine_ set up in her back room. "Yo, yo…!"

I wonder! I'd like to fuck wit' my _one friend_ of like two that I actually have on the outside. Help me out, Sanae!

She looks over at me. "...Hey! Is that a 3DSXL!?"

"Yeah, _dude!_ " I have already obtained all your spotpass data, noob! "I wanna take pictures and send them to the outside world like a _naughty boy_. Maybe even a video!"

"...If that's okay, sure!" Sanae's not sure if Yukari's level wit' that either, but we're gonna keep goin' until we get stopped!

 _Snap!_ I take a picture of Sanae, the _good girl_.

 _Snap!_ I get a picture of her posing, as if I'd gotten a still-frame of her doing a little dance!

 _Snap!_ What is _that_ pose. Is that an _intentionally_ risque one? She's got a finger to her top, as if folding it open…!

"We should try a selfie!" Bouncing up to me, she violates my personal space…! "C'mere!"

Holy shit, Sanae's got an arm around me, holy shit.

Pressing her face near mine to get in the shot- oh my god she smells good…

...She furrows her brows at me. "You smell like crap." _Oof!_

You _killed me, boy!_ _Put me in a coffin!_

...Yeah. I nod! "Not havin' _accommodations_ does that ta ya…!"

Correcting her face, she gives the camera a peace sign! "Take i~t…"

 _Snap!_ Aw, yeah, yo!

"Kauf- a~haha…" Stumbling away from me, Sanae waves her hand before her nose! "You need to use our wash room, dude. You smell like you went on a safari…!"

...It might be 'cause I did! Twice, even, except one time while I was high as a kite!

 _Cli- click!_ I've started the video!

"Yo ho ho!" It's action time, friend! "The video's begun, dude."

...Sanae blinks, before giving the camera a wave! "He~y! Hi, outsider guy's frie~nd!"

"I'm here with Sanae, dude!" I inform my friend! "She's a good girl!"

"How'd you even…" Shaking her head, Sanae keeps waving at the camera. "Anyway, your friend smells! Tell him to bathe more!"

"Tell the youkai to install random bath houses, and that'll be a maybe!" Freakin', ra~h! I shall not be blamed for my stench!

...Moving to the window at the back of the room, Sanae opens it. Freakin'-

Stepping back, she draws a talisman, and-

 _Fvhir- vhir- vhir- vhir!_ She draws a pentagram in the air with it, each line lighting up a homey, neon red!

 _Fvroar!_ Upon flinging her arm, the pentagram sailed out the window as a projectile. "Danmaku~!"

Turning to me-

 _tick- tick- tick_. Ow…! She hit me in the face with translucent, pale blue talismans…!

"Oh, sorry!" She holds a hand to her face at my reaction! "I thought- I forgot you wouldn't be as used to danmaku…!"

You clumsy freakin' moe girl…! Aaa~h!

"I should get in a shot with you again, too…" Stepping back towards me as I _stumble back_ , Sanae just up and swipes the 3DS from me to turn it around, before hugging me to her side as we get in a selfie position again. "Hey he~y!"

Sanae, yer too much…! Freakin'...!

...After a moment, she parts from me. "Ehaha, whoops! I made your friend uncomfortable!" Sanae parts from me, noticing my _discomfort_. "Sorry, guy!"

"Name's _Brad_ … _!"_ Freakin'...!

...Taking this moment, I reach into my bag! "I've also obtained more plant hangers, here!" I wave Swift Brand- my cast iron one- about! "Ho ho!"

"Yea- what?" Sanae's offput by my weapon of choice…! Alright, cool, that took my mind off Sanae's prettiness…!

I think we've got enough footage, now… Steppin' back up to Sanae, I reach out for the 3DS. "Gimme, yo."

"Are we done?" She questions! "I kinda wanna see one of my spell cards recorded…"

Ah. That _would_ be fun. "Maybe later, yo. I wanna get this shipped, dude. Fluff loaves, packaged to go." Didn't the goddesses want me to- well, I _did_ 'fix' the computer… although I'm a little suspect of if that weird edgy dude tries to hack into it. And, unlike Kaguya and Mokou, Sanae's _not_ immortal and can't take getting brained.

Sittin' down at the computer, I open up a _private_ chrome browser, and start gettin' stuff ready!

"What're you doing…?" Sanae hovers over my shoulder, looking at the computer…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

With the steam chat open in the browser, I start typing stuff to him. I've already imported the pictures over after getting Sanae's wifi codes and stuff- why do you even need them _out here_ \- and, yeah.

TOYSIPO2: hello friend

Krocostar: oh hi there

TOYSIPO2: hello

Krocostar: took you long enough

Krocostar: what happened to you

TOYSIPO2: sorry son ai was just livin it up in GENSOKYO YO

Krocostar: AW FRIK, CAN I COME VISIT YOU

TOYSIPO2: SURE SON

TOYSIPO2: ai should ask yukari yo

Krocostar: oh okay, you do that

TOYSIPO2: ai dunno if she'd bother to comply though

TOYSIPO2: ai got the strangest feeling you think ai'm joking

TOYSIPO2: ai mean ai NORMALLY WOULD BE

Krocostar: what, are you not?

TOYSIPO2: but SON

TOYSIPO2: https SEMICOLON, TWO BACKSLASHES, imgur dot com slash randomnumbers

TOYSIPO2: YO HO HO

TOYSIPO2: ai KNEW YOU'D BE DOUBTFUL

TOYSIPO2: so ai TOOK SOME PICTURES YO

Krocostar: what is this, some sort of cosplay event?

TOYSIPO2: how

TOYSIPO2: do ya SEE THE DANMAKU YO

Krocostar: oh, didnt see that one

TOYSIPO2: there aren't even any COSPLAY EVENTS UP HERE

TOYSIPO2: you know ai dunt GO ANYWHERE YO

Krocostar: WELL YOU WERE AWAY FOR A WEEK, I DONT KNOW WHERE YOU WENT

TOYSIPO2: GENSAKEY YO

Krocostar: SO YOU SAY YOURE REALLY IN GENSOKYO

TOYSIPO2: ai'm on sanae's computer son

TOYSIPO2: she likes mecha anime dude

TOYSIPO2: freakin yo

Krocostar: uh huh, sure

TOYSIPO2: do you need a VIDEO TOO

Krocostar: so did someone help make you these pictures in a week

TOYSIPO2: hoo COULD YO

Krocostar: so did someone help you make these pictures*

Krocostar: HOW SHOULD I KNOW

Krocostar: AND SURE, GIVE ME THAT VIDEO

TOYSIPO2: AI GOTS TO TAKE IT FIRST

TOYSIPO2: wadda ya want, yukari EMERGING FROM A GAP and me freakin POINTING A PLANT HANGER AT HER?

Krocostar: THAT WOULD BE NICE

TOYSIPO2: consider it done, yo- whenever ai freakin find yukari again

TOYSIPO2: aw dood, ai should tape a danmaku battle

Krocostar: well if you want

TOYSIPO2: well son see you in liek a week or two- ai dunno when ai can get to hijack a girl's computer again and ai kinda need to split and do things before she gets here!

Krocostar: well, okay son

Krocostar: i know the nearest mental institution if you ever need it

TOYSIPO2: XD don't die yo

TOYSIPO2: haiv fun

Krocostar: SURE

TOYSIPO2: dunt let the freakin YOUKAI BITE

I'll get the video to him at some point! Uploading it in here might be _weird_ , I dunno…

"Aa~h." She nods… "You guys type like you're demented."

"'Cause we _are!_ " You're just _now_ learning this, yo? Speaking of…

"It's unique…" While she comments on our typing style idly, I open up Gelbooru in a different tab! Let's see… 'kochiya_sanae, paizuri'.

...Oh. The pictures are all a picture of Yukari winking at me-

The page auto-defaulted to Gelbooru's main page.

"You tried to search _what_ now…!?" Sanae saw that! I guess I'm not gonna get to show her the _petabytes of Touhou porn_. "Wh- wha- how? How'd you know my last name? Um!" Oo~h…!

...Facing her, I give her a _wide, fixed grin._ I really done did it this time! "...Y'see. When a _mommy_ and a _daddy_ … love each other-"

"That's _not_ the right conversation!" Sanae's incredulous! "...I have half a mind to think _Yukari's_ the one who distributes them, or _something_. I know there's this 'Touhou' thing, and it involves Gensokyo, for some reason." Um…

...At my awkward stoicism, she snorts. "Nn~h. It's… whatever. But- is there _really_ porn of _me_ on the outside?"

"Yes." I respond without hesitation. "And I have indeed masturbated to it!" Full committal, dude.

…

"Eeh." She seems kind of indifferent about it. "I had a feeling, I guess. It's not _just_ me, right?"

Yes, it's just you. I shake my head! "Nah, yo, it's _everyone_. Except for the more generic people, and- yeah, basically." Let's not tell her about how fanfiction interpretations work!

"Okay, it's, well, whatever then." Sanae's cool with it! "...It's not like it'll actually _mean_ anything. Only some outsiders are internet-savvy either… and even less know what Gensokyo is." You mean there were others? The fuck happened ta _them?_ "It's like I'm the main character of an anime!" ...Hoh!

And- oh, shit, the computer screen flickered to black…!

"Hrrm?" Voice, from inside it! S'not a good voice, either. "Kaguya-chan?" Gimme outta the way!

While I get outta the chair and away from the monitor, Sanae strafes back around to her bed…!

"Don't come over here!" I hold out a hand, to caution her! "Thi~s could get _ugly…!_ "

...She looks worried!

So, you can't just punch him through the internet, but he can blow your brains out… _through_ the internet. That's cheap shit. Maybe if we get him to climb through the monitor, we could chop him apart. Send a boy to sleep!

"Kaguya-chan?" Why's this guy obsessed with Kaguya? "Are you there?"

"...Yhe- yee~s!" I put on my best girl voice. It's _not a good one, son._

"...Who is this?" Freakin'...

"I'm Paulie Fuckin' Jones, son." Whoever this guy is, _how's_ he got access to Gensokyo's tech whatevers? I mean, I guess that's the big question, innit…

"If you don't tell me, I'll kill you." You done _blew it_ , son. It's dead, and you killed it!

...I dunno what to do from here. Maybe I can bait his hand out and turn off the monitor like an asshole.

But first! "Yeah, go ahead and kill me!" Wahaha! "I'd like to see you try, _noo~b!"_

...Whelp, I done did it, son, he stopped responding. Maybe I _broke his mind_ …!

…

"How did you get into Gensokyo?" Ooo~. He asked me a _personal question_ , dude.

"I dunno." I admit. "Like: being totally honest with ya, I dunno. If that don't work, blame Yukari." _Always_ blame Yukari…

"I see. You must be blessed." Ooo~. I'm blessed, dude.

"...Y'know, you might not be wrong." Kanako saved me from Yuukaification!

"Haha." You're genuinely amused, I can tell. Freakin'... "Tell me, do you have any… relationships, yet?"

Yes. "I have a big fat harem, dude. We're chilling out in heaven with Harambe." The word 'harem' reminded me Harambe was a thing!

...I'd like to think this is _genuinely_ stunned silence.

...Sanae looks like she hasn't a clue what's going on! She's amused, though…!

"Funny. Very, very funny." Mister man likes it, too! He just forgot to laugh, that's all… "You see, I'm working on a way _into_ Gensokyo. It's been a little project of mine."

Cool, thanks for your life's story. "Lemme guess, yer gonna find me, yer gonna kill me, so forth?"

"Well, only if I happen to see you." Oh. Well, that's considerate! "I bear no grudge with you personally. I simply wish to see… something I've dedicated so much time to, finally be realized." Daa~h…

"And what's that?" I ki~nda wanna know what he's goin' on about…

...Son, why do you _take forever?_ Is the connection laggy?

"I wish to live my desired fantasies out within Gensokyo." ...That sounds a little _iffy_. "I've researched magic. I was the one who ultimately sent in that… curious gentleman, to see if it was possible- and it _was_. All I need is a screen big enough, and I can walk through the barrier. Isn't that _astounding?_ "

Aw. He's going where no weeb has gone before, dude.

...Y'know. "Can't ya fit through a _normal_ monitor?"

"...Well, you see…" He's curiously reluctant. "My monitor is only ten twenty four by seven sixty eight. I can fit my head in, but nothing more." Wo~w, dude. The power to project yourself through the internet and you have a like two thousands monitor. "I'm supposed to get my four-k monitor today, by post."

"Good for you, son." I nod, even if only Sanae can see. "When's that?"

"... _Today._ " He restated! "They're not precise about these things, I don't know. That, and I'll have to prepare a proper extraction field, so I needn't rely on the opposite monitor's size."

Good. "Where ya plannin' on poppin' in, yo? So I can y'know, stay outta your hair- one outsida' to anotha'."

...He considered this! "Hakurei Shrine, front. It's only appropriate."

Now I know where to go to touch him inappropriately! Never tell a stranger what your plans are, dude. "Yeah. That's cool."

Maybe I should get down to the Hakurei Shrine soon, then, and wait out his ass so I can _put it to sleep_ , 'cause he doesn't sound really… actually…

"So, how is your day?" Is he just gonna _make small talk_.

"Good." Freakin'...! "Say- what's your _desire_ here, yo? Ya wanna shack up wit' anyone?"

"Build a harem, of course." Well, that's pretty straight forward. "I have it all planned out. They can't say no." Ah.

"Why not, yo?" Ho ho! "They's some powerful girls! How ya… how ya gonna persuade 'em?"

"...Well, I have a _gun_ , for one thing." Aw. "Second, once I've begun the operation, I'll see to apprehending kappa as soon as possible. If that goes wrong, then I will most probably die." Good plan. "Or, at the least, be horribly inconvenienced, but nothing I'd be unable to overcome." Like death.

"So…" He's still talkin' ta me! "How did you gain your following? I saw you with Kaguya-chan. Fair warning, if you do not let me have her, I will take her." Are you mental, son. Did you _see_ that rabbit army? You're gonna have to go Master Chief to have a shot in hell…!

"Very carefully." I used a TAS bot, son. "Say- I got anotha' question for you."

"...I may not be inclined to answer, pardon your rudeness." He's a real gentlefellow, he is, even if the premise of his _thing_ is rather rude.

"...How hard is it ta go outside and get'chaself a _fuckin'_ girlfriend?" Get _owned_ , noob. If you apparently have to hack into an alternate reality to start holding women hostage, there _might_ be something wrong on your end.

...The door to the room slides open!

Kanako floats in with her legs crossed. "What's going on, now?"

I point at the monitor! "Demons!"

"Who's that?" The monitor guy speaks!

...Kanako floats up to the screen!

"Oh, Lady Kanako." He speaks to her! "How do you do, this fine day?"

"Are you screwing up the computer?" Kanako looked bored. "You're one of those 'hacker' people, aren't you?"

"You could say that." Ho ho ho. "I must say, you're quite beautiful. I never realized it."

"I'm flattered." She's not impressed! "Unhack it."

"Allow me to speak to your Sanae." He requests!

"I can speak for her." Kanako doesn't bend. "Go away."

…

"Tell me, Goddess." He addresses her…! "Do you know what _guns_ are?"

"Mhm." Kanako drifts closer to the screen…!

"Has one ever been fired at you?" He inquired…! "Would you gamble your life on a fortunate shot?"

Kanako still looks bored. "Yes." She's a god, dude.

"Nothing more than a flintlock, I'm sure." He sounds amused! "But, you see, I- like gods- do not play with dice." You're not guy fawkes…!

 _BLAM_

I think this boy just has a fetish for shooting women.

...Oh.

Kanako has the small, grey shell between her fingers.

"... _Oh._ " His sentiments are similar to mine!

 _FWAM!_ She flicks the bullet back-

 _Crack- fzzt!_

 _Clack._ The monitor falls over, a bullet hole in it.

…

"Aa- aah…!" Sanae's jaw's dropped!

Exhaling, Kanako stretches. "Hrr~m. We'll get it fixed. How _annoying._ "

...Looking over at me, she made an inquiry. "The Hakurei Shrine, correct?"

I nod. "Ye." Is she plannin' on…?

Landing on her legs, she slowly makes for the door. "This should work out, then. Suwako~!" She calls out for her fellow goddess as she paces out of the room…

…

"What just happened…?" Sanae looked befuddled!

...Aw. It's time to tell her, yo. "We got dudes _reachin' through_ the internet and blowin' people's faces off!"

"...Wha-... okay." She takes it in stride! "...So, um, are you new here?"

Yeah, pretty much! "Yeah, _yo._ Fresh off the _cargo ship_ , dude, ready to steal Gensokyian jobs!"

Sanae snorts! "Oh, good. Well, if you want IT, you're gonna have to compete. Y'know, with the _kappa_."

Aw. Well, I know my _internet stuffs_ , so I got 'em beat there. Hardware's the complete opposite! "Ho ho."

...I move for the door out, fer now. What're those goddesses up to…?

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

In the main room-

Kanako immediately thrusts a fancy greatsword into my hands. "Here. Hold-"

 _Clang!_ Oh my _god_ that is heavy…! I drop it immediately!

...She looks unimpressed! Yo- this thing's almost as big as _me!_ "...I'd forgotten how _meek_ you humans have become."

...Walking out behind me, Sanae sizes up the great sword, before beaming. "Suwako-sama~! Infuse me with the unmoving power of the earth!" She thrusts an arm into the air-

 _Broo~m_. The shrine rumbles for a moment…! Then, she kneels down-

"Hu~p…" Furrowing her brows, she lifts the big sword. "...Hehehe~!" Holy _shit_.

"Not like _you_ need that thing." Grinning, Kanako waves her arm, and drifts across the shrine front, to the other end of the room-

 _Woosh_. The sword blows out of Sanae's hands, and- it's gone. It just _disappeared._ "Aa~h…" Sanae looks around for it, before dismissing its great vanishing act.

...Taking a moment to dismiss it _myself_ , I look back at the goddess-

"Hehe~y!" Suwako hops in from the leftmost door! "I'm wanted, today!"

"We've got an errand to run." Kanako informs her, adopting a casual posture next to her. "Someone has wronged me."

Suwako tilted her head up! "Oo~h. _Wronged you_ , hu~h…?"

"Indeed." ...Kanako looks back at us. "And, I'd prefer if you were both there. To _watch_." Ooo~... "Additionally…"

Cli- cli- clink. Some coins and bills float down onto the kotatsu in the middle of the room…

"Some change, for coming out this far, Stahl." Fuckin'- _Stahl_ , dude. "I appreciate your… flexibility, in this matter. Normally, outsiders- most humans, really- spend a lot of time being needlessly flabbergasted, or skeptical, or what have you."

"Kana-chan's real pushy!" Suwako leaps! "She scares people away, sometimes!"

"I'll scare _you_ away." Kanako slowly turns to her…!

...I accept the yen coins! Oo~h, like _six thousand_ 'a them…! I actually have all ten thousand again. _Huh_.

"Yeah, I've seen some things, yo." I bet people expect more flamboyant reactions from me, sometimes…!

"When you are both ready, we'll go." Folding her arms and crossing her legs, Kanako drifted into the air, and sat before us. "...Be quick."

"And she means it!" Suwako leaps again! Man, how's she _do_ that? Tiny girl with leaps!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We're outside the shrine! Getting, y'know, 'ready'.

"It's gonna be boring, waiting for that monitor to get fixed…" Sanae makes some idle chitchat with me.

I don't really have anything to get ready for, if the girls're gonna nuke the noob into freakin' giblets. However…

Stepping off the shrine porch I walk towards the edge of the plateau it's on…

Wow. What a _view_. Sky, and like… _all_ of Gensokyo. This makes a pretty good mountain fortress, dunnit? S'not quite in the midst of everything as Reimu's shrine is, though.

...Also, it's windy as fuck! Oof! Getting my ass kicked out here!

"First time seeing this view, huh?" Sanae's a _nice freakin' girl_ , dude. "Isn't it pretty?"

Nah, yo. _Literally_ bottom tier, dude. Better view when ya make like an ostrich!

I need to tell somebody to make like a dodo and _go extinct._ That's a particularly brutal non-contextual insult!

Anyway, as beautiful and endless as Gensokyo's sky is, I've got shit ta do…!

Let's see…

Oh!

...I walk over to a stand across the windy clearing. A fluffle's trying desperately to hold onto it, getting tossed around by the wind…

"help help" It's in trouble… "help"

"Aw…" Sanae pouted, moving to help it. "I'll help!"

Moving around the stand, she grabs its tubbiness so it stays in place.

"i cant find my son" Oh no. "he likes walnuts" Oh. "sounds like walmart" I don't think we can help you…!

Fluffles have sons? Anyway…! "What'cha got for me, yo!?"

Cla- clank. It drops a few hangers onto the table, along with some weird part bits…

"How much for _everything?_ " I wave my arms around the entire desk…!

"twenty thousand yen" Wha~t. What a rip! Freakin'...

"But, we're helping you…" Sanae argues with it. "Can't you give us a little discount…?"

"no" Wow. Alright, noob… "the fluff market" Fluff market your _face_ dude…

...Closing her eyes-

 _Di~ng!_ A rainbow spread out over Sanae, for a moment!

"He~y!" She beams!

"You're _happy_." I appreciate her happiness, dude.

"Ask it again, I think!" Sanae insists! Alright, yo…

...I look down at the fluff nugget. "How much… for _everything?_ "

"ten thousand yen" Fifty percent discount, dude. Not bad, I think! I guess Sanae's behind Steam sales, dude. Are you ready for a miracle~!? Ready as I can be!

Cool, yo. Ploppin' down all the money, now it's time to get it all appraised!

…

I point at the brownish, brass-ish, blunt hanger. "What."

"Stone Hanger. boosts the power of earth skills!" That much was as anticipated…! "allows the user to buff their physical defense and attack by twenty percent, which wears off over time. heavy."

Aw, good. It's about time I got a like, buffing maneuver, since that seems to be a good not-dying strategy. What abou~t…

I point at the _edgy lookin' hanger_ , with the _black runes_. "Wha's _this!?_ "

"Dark Hanger." Cool name. Bet it took a _team_ ta come up with somethin' _that_ genius. "damage increases when life is lower. allows user to cast Revenge, a physical skill that increases in power when life is lower. decreases defense."

Oh, so it's basically the tryhard weapon. Also- decreasing defense is like, _not_ something I appreciate…! I need every little _point_ 'a that shit I can get!

...Also, I gesture to the other weird crap the fluffle put on the desk. "What's all of this?"

"upgrades" It smiles at me. "for all your weapons"

...Hoh, boy. You know what, yo? Let's just end the chapter right now! You can see what I did with all my _upgrade points_ in the summary…!

…

"I wonder if Kanako-sama will buy me a new gohei…" Sanae's wondering aloud makes me look up at her! Her breasts are on the fluffle's poofy head...

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

END OF CHAPTER 5

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Guy from IT who Weaponizes Plant Hangers

PRIMARY WEAPON: Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. My most basic weapon. With its new wind grate, it can make gusts of wind! Does slightly more physical damage than other hangers because I put a _steel block_ on it.

INVENTORY:

Flame Dispenser - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Has a nozzle now, letting it cast Flamethrower! Which is, yeah, take a guess.

Vortex Hanger - Pastel-green and grey plant hanger, of industrial metals. Boosts the power of wind skills. Constantly manipulates wind, so swinging it makes gusts. Fixture of the yin-yang flail-o-copter!

Hydraulic- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Mundane, but practical in the eyes of a few. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang Flail-O-Copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. With the Vortex Hanger added, it's a _flying machine_ , my boy!

Stone Mason - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes due to an upgrade. Allows the user to cast Earth Guard, boosting physical defense and attack by twenty percent temporarily.

Darker than Dark - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Boosts the power of dark skills. User's strength increases as health lowers. Allows the user to cast Revenge, a skill which increases in strength when health is lower!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Fancy Operating Cross: Version Two- Allows control and summoning of a London doll, along with some basic commands.

Blue Clothes - My stock outfit! Comfortable and smelly. Negative five wind resistance, because the shirt's kind of skimpy. Composed of blue sweatpants and a blue, long-sleeved shirt. Unremarkable sneakers.

==o==

PARTY:

Sanae Kochiya, Newbie Goddess of the Mountain - A Shinto shrine maiden who was originally from the outside world. Friendly and hip! And _nice_. Specializes in holy, earth, and wind spells!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Alternative Gohei - A gohei, similar to Reimu's, except the paper is a single piece spliced onto the end, rather than a ribbon of paper. Stockier, but more consistent damage at the cost of range. Less combo potential, but more powerful single strikes. Non-elemental weapon.

SKILLS:

Probably holy stuff - I've yet to see her in action!

Wild Lands - Take Suwako's strength into her body for a buff! Boosts physical defense by seventy percent, and all attacks become critical hits. Can lift far greater objects. Speed is impaired. Magical ability is reduced.

Floating - I don't even know- oh wait, yeah, god powers.

Miracles - Sanae's luck suddenly spikes to ninety nine and impossible things become possible. Embodiment of bullshit RNG…!

Spell Cards - _The big guns, son._

INVENTORY:

Sanae's Outfit - Shrine maiden clothes! About equally as frivolous as Reimu's, really.

Frog Hair Pin - Stock hair pin. Reduces mana cost of channeling goddesses by twenty percent.

==o==

Kanako Yasaka, the Avatar of Mountains and Lakes - Goddess of wind. Probably immortal. Somewhat snappy and moody, but also reasonable! Authoritative…! Legendary, unrivaled wind capabilities. Casts wind, water, and earth spells, among others.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shimenawa and Onbashira - That big rope ring behind her, and her _honored pillars_. Legendary wind weapon. Boosts the power of wind skills. Physical attacks deal earth damage. Randomly casts Ominous Wind, an all-encompassing wind attack of variable power that speeds up allies and dispels enemies. Allows the user to cast Triple Tornado. Only equippable by deities. Fifty percent earth and tired resistance. Negative fifty percent bomb and stagger resistance.

SKILLS:

Wind God - Three hundred percent wind resistance inherently. Immunity to being tossed by wind, or taking any knockback from wind elemental attacks.

Floating - _Duh._

Divinity - Cannot be killed by mortal means. Destruction of her body is only temporary.

Spell Cards - Can't leave bed without these!

God Stuff - I don't know…! Lots of shit!

INVENTORY:

Yasaka's Divine Apparel - God clothes. Blessed through constant proximity to Kanako. Lots of red!

==o==

Suwako Moriya, the Highest of Native Gods - Goddess of mountains. Probably immortal. Tiny and _nuzzlable_. Hops along! She seems friendly, dude. Legendary, unrivaled earth abilities. Casts wind, water, and earth spells, among others.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Unarmed.

SKILLS:

Mountain God - Three hundred percent earth resistance inherently. Immunity to tire and most sources of knockback.

Floating - _Yeah._

Divinity - Cannot be killed by mortal means. Destruction of her body is only temporary.

Spell Cards - Fun to play with!

God Stuff - Aaaa~h!

INVENTORY:

Moriya's Divine Apparel - God clothes. Blessed through constant proximity to Suwako. Simple and traditional.

Froggie Hat - A cute straw hat… _with eyes!_ Googly-sorta eyes! It's a fun hat, dude. Negative five hundred tired resistance, but effects of tiredness are negated and replaced with regeneration. Perfect for hiking trips!

==o==

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

yeah this incident is almost over when it was just introduced this chapter; i didn't do alot inbetween solving the incident mostly because the SDM is planning things apparently that require me not being there, and things went generally okay enough everywhere i went

this incident probably went as fast as it possibly could'ave, minus if i had gone to the shrine first and then to eientei and somehow knew about Kaguya's computer problems or something- the way I designed the incident made it really easy to set off the final fight, and that's not entirely a bad thing I don't think- plus I don't really have the connections to run around Gensokyo doing non-incident related things, right now Brad's mostly looking for something to do and he stumbled into an incident via circumstance.

anyhow this is gonna be a fun bossfight- and no the shade hanger's not gonna be integral, i don't think- that'd be too easy aswell. chances are that'll be used later, but for now it'd probably do more harm than good

flail-o-copter might seem like a BS way to get my guy around without lengthy transition periods, but it's more interesting than having london carry me everywhere I'd have to say- and even then my flying is limited to spinning the flail so i'm still at a disadvantage compared to pretty much all other Gensokyians- particuarly that i cant defend myself mid-air and my arms get tired so i cant abuse it as much

hana the generic fairy maid, yeah!... yeah OC x generic fairy maid yo, even though patchouli knowledge is my waifu. i dunno we'll see how things pan out i guess, i just kinda let stuff happen as it happens

… yeah you all thought i had it out for remilia for awhile there, didn't you? yeah i did too for a moment but the moment had passed and things happened so hyonk

two-thousand fifteen times were weird!... and that's a jontron reference i keep bringing up for anyone who's unfamiliar and wondering "why the fuck does he keep saying that"; i dunno i liked the joke alot and it stuck and i wanted to reuse it like a freakin used co- hey let's not go there this is supposed to be vaguely T isn't it

and yeah that means no lemon but honestly i think i'd either be really good or really shite at writing a lemon, and im in no hurry to find out which at the moment

if next chapter wraps up this incident, i will be publishing that along with this and the other four chapters to for the time being! yo ho ho…

as always, thanks for tuning in, and i'll see you all next time.

==== FIVE MILLION YEARS LATER ====

yeah hey hello friends

and welcome

before we get started, let me… _EXASPERATED INHALE_ … lay down the changelog

o new eientei segment in the beginning making the visit more coherent and meaningful

\- bad guy gets introduced sooner

\- bad guy is also entirely different

o in more detail, bad guy went from cod player to a V from _V for Vendetta_ rip off edgy OC

o mokou gets brained and we get to see gore

o entire walkathon between all the points has been totally replaced, ironed out, and smooshified

o adjustments for my fairy party

o i sleep less

o no horrible may-have-been implied sex between me and hana, let's save that for lemon fics and maybe the series finale or something

o we visit some places that weren't even ideas when i first wrote this chapter

o we see someone who won't be a primary cast member for some time

o i apply my fuckton of upgrades offscreen really there's no helping this plot element

o instead of prepping for a stupid fight in a rushed manner, we're just going to have the gods demonstrate the difference between a deity and a mortal

o changed noob meet in shrine

o redid flail-o-copter building to be a proper scene where yuuka 'chases' us

o kanako and yuuka aren't buddies anymore

o no more mountain climbing with momiji

o we don't meet marcus- or, 'mister kirisame' this chapter, at all, nor do we buy potions from him yet (maybe next chapter for continuity's sake)

o yuuka's less casual with us overall

o didn't meet the three fairies of light for no reason this time

o retconned a whole section where we dipped back into the mansion for some reason, really no need for that

o oh yeah last chapter removed a whole cringey build up where remilia sets the mansion up for ganking me for no good reason, which was, in the original take, half the reason they sent me out on patchy's prescription run; now it really is just a prescription run

o kaguya's no longer running around with us for no reason

o mokou's no longer running around with us for no reason

o added brad and matt steam conversation to this chapter because there's no place for it next chapter

SOOOOO

yeah here we are

this chapter was just entirely rewritten. like, yeah. not a scene left in its original state; although, for all intents and purposes… this new take fills the void like a puzzle piece (minus the potions i was supposed to have for the fight but it's not really gonna be a fight, more like a """""fight"""""

while the other chapters were done where i like just slowly line-edited every line, this one's pacing and continuity was so FAST and BAD that i just took a step back, abstracted the basic plot, and just rewrote it anew

i quite like how it turned out too; lots of good moments here

and y'know it's STILL pretty fast by comparison to the last chapters, but this demonstrates the whimsy of gensokyo a little more aptly than me running around being a dickhead because technical inhibitions and the fact the world building was zilch at the time

now it's a lot slower and smells the flowers a bit longer, which is good!

...it's also technically faster to getting to all the good bits, because all the crappy in-between bits a~re just gone!

so yeah

warning: the next chapter will probably be the last revised chapter for _some time_ , because this, like… it's nearly taken me a week alone to get this far because i've pretty much rewrote every chapter, clocking in well over 10 k words per each, with this one being the sole exception

not counting the week alone it took on chapter 3-4 because college man fuck school and the mandation for a degree smh

...i'll give that warning again later hoh

as always, see you all next time!


	6. Freakin' Fluffy: The Squeakuel

(in which we double dip some nuggets)

Alright…

In summary: I've upgraded my cast iron hanger, and renamed it! It is now… _Swift Brand_. It can make little gusts of wind, dude. But, not like the Vortex Hanger could; it's not on-swing, I have to like… channel mana into it, or some shit.

"A~nd… _focus!_ " Sanae thrusts her gohei forward!

I thrust Swift Brand forward-

 _Woosh_. I make… a tiny wind gust-

 _WOO~SH!_

...Leaves roar around in the air, 'cause Sanae made a _mini-tornado_.

After a few moment, the leaves die down again, and she turns to me. "...Yours was good too!" Aw.

"Ye." So, anyway…

I gave the stone hanger an upgrade right after buying it! It's called _Stone Mason_ now. Yeah. I can _jackhammer boys wit' it,_ my dude.

Flamehanger is now Fire _Dispenser_ , because calling it Flamethrower is too cool for school, dude. As in, it has a like, nozzle which can dispense flames now.

...H2O Hanger is now Hydraulic! It has a _valve,_ so it doesn't just _leak everywhere_ and get supremely messy. Now it only does that when I _want it_ to do that!

That dark edgy hanger is now _Darker than Dark_ , because it's dark. Darkie _dark_ , son.

...Pattin' my bag after being idle like a _special man_ for a moment, I glance over at Sanae.

She started fencing with the air using her gohei while I was zoning out. "...Nn!" She thrusts!

"I think I'm ready!" I exclaim! "Sou~nd off, when you're ready!"

"I am ready!" Sanae whirls to face me!

I think we're ready, man!

Skipping along side by side, me and Sanae prance together towards the shrine's entrance…!

Inside the door once again, we approach Kanako…

"I've gone on a _weapon master's journey_." I inform goddess Yasaka. "My weapons are now very oddly specific and only fill very certain niches, and not well, either…!"

...Kanako gives me a polite nod. "Good for you. Are you all ready, Sanae?"

"Yeah!" Sanae does a little leap!

...Oh, god, here comes the spinning again!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

 _Fiwoo~sh- woo~sh…_

We teleported! Spinning to a stop, I prop myself up on the nearest thing-

"He- hey…" Oh, and that nearest thing is Sanae. Thankfully, I didn't grab her _big boobie_ , just her side and shoulder…

"Oh, hey." Oh, Reimu's out here, having tea on the porch.

...Sanae semi-turns to her while I lean on her. "Ah, hey Reimu!"

"Yo~." Marisa's here, too!

...The goddesses drift down to the shrine's front yard, and stand vigil.

"Did ya come for a big brawl!?" Marisa springs into standing! "'Cause I could go for a big brawl!"

"Well- _no_ , I think." Sanae doesn't want a big brawl, though, yo… "There's some outsider trying to get into Gensokyo, or something. He broke my _screen_."

"Again…?" Looking tired, Reimu leaned back on the porch… "Why's the outside suddenly want a piece of us, all of a sudden? We didn't do anything to them…"

Ho ho. "They wanna do stuff to _you_ , though…!" I need to ask Sanae if she found the petabytes of porn about herself.

"Is he causin' the rain incident?" Marisa tilted her head at 'er, looking poised ta sit down again…

Sanae blinked. "Ah. I don't know." Hoh. I only just recently learned about it from Kanako, so-

"...There was a rain incident?" Reimu herself didn't know anything…!

…

Reimu sipped her tea. "Mmm…" Aw.

...Sanae turns to me- oof. She pushed me away…! I _am_ oriented now, so hoh.

"Aw." Marisa smiles at us, dude. "Snapped up that outsider as yer boyfriend, huh?"

"I'm gonna _destroy_ you." Sanae marches towards her, getting partially onto the porch after her…!

Correcting her posture, Marisa stands tall, stepping back onto the porch! "Aw, let's go, Sanae-ze! I wanna try pipe bombs this time!"

 _Fwi- fwi- fwi- fwish…!_

A rectangle of light unevenly opens in the air, down in the midst of the Torii gate.

We all begin to gaze at the emerald and white rectangle, which unevenly shimmers and glimmers in the air before the two goddesses.

"So… it's nothing we have to worry about, then?" Reimu tilted her head…

"The guy's _anotha'_ homicidal maniac." I promise 'er! "He shot Mokou's brains out _through_ the internet."

...Reimu furrows her brows at me! "I thought that wasn't possible…"

"I thought it was, too!" Sanae holds her arms out! "How do you think I feel!? Nnn~. That's the last time I download MP3s from MegaShare…" Gasp! Sanae's an _illegal girl!_ Dude- you wouldn't steal a car, why would you copy files.

 _Fwoash!_

Thu- thud. "Ngh…"

Rolling out from the uneven, rectangular portal in the air, _this dude_ looked around, whipping his head about…

He had a _big black hat_ , his _guy fawkes mask_ , black clothes- which may've been armored- and black boots. Black, son. He means _business_ …!

...After a moment, he stood. "O- oh..." His voice is not nearly as imposing in person as it was over voice chat!

...The gods're just _staring him down_. Not a sentence I contemplate often…!

"Heyo~!" Suwako stands, waving a sleeve at him! "Hello, hi, mister!"

"...Yes." Fully standing, he holds out his arms… "Hello, little girl. I… hadn't expected such a… _welcoming_ reception."

"You too, goddess Yasaka." He addressed Kanako! "I apologize for my transaction earlier. I was merely… testing you." Testin' to see how well her blood splats against the wall! Actually, wouldn't Kanako have _ichor…?_

"You're dishonest." Kanako calls bullshit! "Your desire dismisses the possibility of curiosity. You quite eagerly want us to go away."

...He holds out his arms. "Well… hah. Can I be blamed? I'm afraid, you see! Scared!"

There's not any reply from the gods, yo.

…

He begins to walk forward, moving to pass them-

 _Woo~sh_.

…

Eventually, he realizes he's stopped making progress. "What-... is this?" His clothes billow as he tries to run ahead, but the wind precisely keeps him back!

"What do you desire?" Kanako asks of him! "And be _honest_."

"Honesty's the best policy!" Crouching down, Suwako does a little leap!

...Holding out his arms again, he has 'em out more in a 'what the fuck' kinda posture than the dramatic one he had before. "...You can't interrogate me like this. It is not sound."

"I am a god." Kanako dismisses his logic and replaces it with her own! "My request is quite _humble_ , if you haven't realized. Do not test me."

"What would the _Hakurei_ say?" He counters! "I am a human, and you are a youkai. It is not your place to put bearing on my freedom, if I've well-read."

...Kanako turns back to face Reimu!

...Looking up from her tea peacefully, Reimu shrugs. "...Outsiders are kind of a 'finders keepers' thing. And, gods are _different_ from youkai, really."

The guy tries to step to the side. "...Oh, oh Hakurei! I cannot hear you from over here!"

Kanako turns to face him again. "You're not making an argument."

"Come no~w…" Shaking his head, he sighs. "You're making this _messier_ than it _needs_ to be."

Kanako holds out a hand. "Do not fight us, outsider. Your intent is obvious. If you draw your blades, or fire a single shot, your life will be forfeit."

…

 _Cli- click_. Two clunky pistols are drawn from his belt. "You _underestimate me_ , goddess." Oh, boy. "I'd never want to hurt a beautiful women… but in this case, _exceptions_ will have to be _made_."

 _Woo~sh_.

Kanako's Shimenawa and Onbashira float into existence behind her, initializing with visible, powerful gales.

"I've seen more honest kids on the back of cereal boxes…" Suwako stands up correctly…! "And lemme tell ya, cereal boxes are _dishonest_."

"This can end only two ways!" The masked man exclaimed! "...And in both of them, _you die_." Yeah, sure pal.

 _Woo- woo- woosh, woosh woosh!_ He twirls his dumb pistols around, showing off…

…

 _Cli- click_. His pistols ready again, he takes aim. "Sayo _nara._ "

 _BLAM- BLAM, BLAM- BLAM, BLAM- BLAM!_ He unloads both his pistols, strafing about as he unloads directly on Kanako!

She's got a single hand held outward. I can't see her taking any damage, so she's probably stopping them in the air before herself…

"Hrrm…!" Once my ears have stopped being angry at his guns, and he's stopped firing, he slips them away-

 _Shi~ng, shi~ng!_ He draws two fancy fencing swords from his two sheathes!

He begins to run towards Kanako-

 _Woo~sh_ …

A soft wind pushes him back, denying him melee range entirely. "Ergh…!" Oh, man. This is gonna be _one-sided_.

"Let's see~, let's see~..." Suwako held a finger to her lips. "Mmm. It's been awhile since we've _played_ with people like this…"

"Let's keep this quick…" Floating higher into the air-

 _Cli- cli- clink_. Kanako let the spent bullets drop to the ground beneath her.

"How's about that real cool one!?" Suwako beams up at her fellow goddess! "Y'know, with the big explosion!?"

...Kanako exhaled. "I suppose we have little other context to test something such, unless we were to duel oni."

" _Ha~h!_ " The man threw one of his rapiers forward-

 _Fvhir!_ It accelerated magically, with sudden velocity-

Kanako caught it between two fingers-

 _Woosh_. -and discarded it into the aether, letting it sail away from the shrine grounds.

...After a moment, the man started to step back- "Ngh…!?"

Small, ivy-like tendrils had emerged from the grassy cracks in the shrine path's stonework, working their way over his boots, locking his feet firmly in place.

" _Haa~h…!_ " Crouching down, Suwako _leaps_ into the air, soaring over the rising Kanako…!

...After a moment, she touches down again-

 _KROO- KROO- KROO- KROOM!_ To her left of where she came down, huge, brass and stone _cannons_ erected from the soil, quickly snapping down to aim at the man-

 _KROO- KROO- KROO- KROOM!_ The same process repeated to her right, forming a half circle of _cannons_ around the guy.

Above the battlefield, Kanako thrust her arms down, spirals of wind flowing off of them-

 _Woo- woo- woosh_. Wind traveled into every cannon barrel's shaft, also gathering at the exposed backs of each…

"Do not move, or we'll be shooting ourselves!" Suwako calls out to the masked figure!

... _Cli- clink_. He drops his remaining sword…!

...Slowly, Suwako almost seems to sink-

She falls into the floor entirely, her hat the only thing remaining.

...After a moment, her hand comes up from the stone floor and retrieves the hat, taking it into the stone with her! Like, she didn't _burrow_ , she just _phased into the floor_.

...He whips his head around, before snapping his gaze to Kanako. "Goddess…! Goddess, I can explain! We can talk!"

Reimu comments next to me. "This better not be _loud_ …" Son.

Kanako spreads both arms out-

 _WOO- WOOSH- WOOSH- WOOSH!_

Every cannon begins rattling, leaves flaring away and forming a autumn storm around the battlefield, shockwaves of whirling air splashing off each device…

The man desperately bent down, drawing a sword from the floor and bringing it to the ivy coiling up towards his thighs...

And then-

 _ **BOOM**_

I shut my eyes and turn away, a spike of amber from the man's position overloading my vision.

...I can't hear anything, now! Everything's _ringing!_

...After a moment, I open my eyes again.

Surprisingly, the Torii gate is still standing! Untouched, even!

...There's a crater in the stonework where the guy used to be. Just _gone._ They _deleted_ that man, son.

Smoke billowed in the air through the Torii gate, indicating the blast radius was a huge cone, starting from the _gone dude_ all the way out. Oof…

 _Kroo- kroo- kroom…_

The cannons sink back into the earth, the soil and grass moving to perfectly reposition themselves once the heavy artillery fully gone…

 _Cra- cra- crack_. The stone where the guy was almost seems to _grow_ to fill in the crater. Literally just _nullified_ his existence.

Reimu runs out to survey the damage! "Hey, hey!"

...After a moment, she's at the scene, and looking around!

Kanako appears next to her, and Suwako leaps from the earth below to be before her.

"Do you know how many curious idiots are gonna come here to check out that loud noise…?" Reimu's more concerned about the attention! "And, if we're going to be holding _demonstrations_ here, I'd rather them be the ones where I beat you up."

Kanako gives her a smile and a wave. "Fret not, Hakurei. We've done what we came to do."

Suwako leaps! "Yeah! We got to test out our… um, cannon thing!" She gains a focused expression… "What should we call it…?"

"If you're going to make it a spell card, make it _not_ kill people." Reimu gave her a hard grin…! "And don't bind people, either. That's cheap."

"Aww~..." Despite making a pouting noise, Suwako doesn't pout…!

 _Snap!_

...Aya's on the scene!

"Moriya Gods demonstrating Power Exhibition at Hakurei Shrine!" Aya waves her new photo around…! "Could this be a new relationship between shrines…!?"

Reimu pointed her gohei at her. "I'm gonna find where you live. Actually- I've said that before. I _know_ where you live, even."

"If you're going to publish something…" Kanako gave 'er a flat stare… "Say something more like, 'Hakurei Miko Gives Up, Allows Moriya Gods to Use Shrine'. That sounds good."

...Reimu starts to approach her! "And _you._ "

"Sorry, that costs extra." Aya grins at the goddess. "I know you're goddess Yasaka and everything, but the truth is the truth! Unless, ya know... there's some _undiscovered truths_ about Sanae-chan over there. She's full of surprises!"

I glance over at Sanae…

She looks conflicted! Halfway between running over and thrashing Aya and _not_.

"...I think we're good." Kanako gives up on trying to further bias the newspaper…!

"I could do that…" Suwako stands, and begins to gingerly approach the tengu. "Ya _know_ -"

Kanako covers her mouth! " _We're good_."

...Slowly, Aya begins to drift back-

"Hey, I'm not done with you!" Reimu begins to drift after her-

 _Woo~sh!_ Aw. The one that _got away_ , dude.

"... _Darn._ " Landing again, Reimu stomps the stone path fluffily…

... _Woosh._ Behind her, Kanako vanishes.

Reimu whips her head back, to see Suwako still standing there.

"See you back at the shri~ne!" She calls out to Sanae!

"...Ah, yeah!" Once she realizes she's being waved at, Sanae waves back!

Abruptly, Suwako just _descends into the earth_. She's returning to Hell, son.

…

With a sigh, Reimu shook her head, before moving towards the shrine again…

"Um…!" Sanae moves to meet her, dude. "Hey, Reimu. I can help- mmh!"

Reimu shoves a talisman into her mouth. "Later."

"Mph- mm." Sanae… Sanae's. She doesn't seem surprised by this development!

...Reimu steps by me and Marisa, movin' into the shrine.

…

She quickly runs back out to lift her tea, before retreating…!

"Ha~h." Stretching her arms out, Marisa steps in after her… "Wait fer me~, Reimu…"

...A moment later, Sanae removes the seal in her mouth. "Pftoo." Ho ho!

While I'm still just _idle_ at the steps here, she steps up to me. "...So, um… you look lost." Wahaha!

I nod. "Yeah, pretty much." What the hell was I doing again. Oh, _right!_ I was questing for Patchy's prescription! Man. I got _so lost_ on the way that I forgot all about that shit!

...And, you know, it's just barely past _noon_.

Giving Sanae a wave, I begin to mobilize, yo! "Yeah, I am, pretty much! Thank you for, um…" Hmm. "Teleporting me to the shrine!" I guess!

"Ah… you're welcome!" Sanae accepts this!

By 'mobilizing', I mean I begin to move for the shrine steps! I'm gonna try to round up my _fairies_ and maybe dick around in the human village some more.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After the thirty minute walk to the village…

"No." The guard shakes his head at me~...!

"Why _even._ " I hold out my arms…! "Why _eve~n,_ son."

"I'm not your son." Like hell you aren't, boy…!

Once again, I am at the village gates! It's about as hardassy and freakin' stupid as ever. Tall wood barriers, metal gate- yeah you get the picture already…

...Actually. Idea! "Ma~n. Akyuu's gonna be _so~_ pissed I didn't manage to get her those _flower specimens_ she wanted…" Folding my arms, I stare off into space. "Shit. Wonder what she's gonna do, now. Guess I'll find out…"

As I start to turn away- "You know lady Hieda?" Kachi~ng!

"What?" Let's pretend we didn't hear him first time.

"...Do you know lady Hieda?" He rephrases himself!

"...Yeah." I nod as if this was obvious! "Do you?"

"We _all_ do." He grins a little! "She sent you an errand? What's your name?"

" _Stahl._ " The one and the only, dude. Actually- I shoulda said Edward Bloom. Oh well. Wait, I need a last name… "Stahl Nanashi."

...He furrows his brows at me.

I just _shrug_ at 'em. "Momma was proud, yo."

...Indifferent, he continues to start reelin' the gate up…

 _Cla- cla- cla- clank!_ Ho ho!

"Thanks, ma~n!" I wave at 'em as I run inside!

Alright! Now…

Basically, I came here to look around as Keine suggested, and _where'd those fairies 'a mine go_ , anyway…?

Let's look at this map!

...Hoh. Some diners, places to eat, _the school_ , town hall… which is not near the center, for some reason. Oo~h, a _sword_ shop! If it doesn't sell plant hangers, yo, it's not for me.

Kirisame Magic Shop? Ooo~. That sounds _interesting_ …

...Village folk! They're friendly looking, dude. I'm alone and I'm _still_ receiving some sideways stares, but not nearly as many. What, navy blue not in season…!?

There's a clothes store on the map, too. Who cares about clothes, yo. And-

"Brad-kun!" Holy _sweet Jesus!_ Wah-

Oof. Hana comes out of an alley and glomps me…! Holy shit! "Hello~!" Yeah, hello! Freakin'...

"There you are!" Janitor-chan runs up to us!

"Hi." I wave at her-

"We couldn't _find you!"_ She lets out cuddly yells! "The- the contract _things_ , they couldn't tell us where you went off too- I thought you _died!_ And if you die- Mistress would…!" Hohoho~ly shit…!

"Calm do~wn yo!" Let's just think this over…!

"I thought you died, too." Hana states bluntly. "I was _sad_."

...I raise a brow. "How sad?"

Janitor-chan holds up a bucket. "This sad."

...It's full of glimmery, bright water, for some reason. Ooo~, there's yen at the bottom…!

"They're her _tears._ " Janitor-chan lampshades. Oh, fuck. Wha- how. "...Not the coins and bills, those were donations… 'ca- 'cause we looked sad- but…" Still, how.

"Well." I accept this, I think. "Sorry for makin' you _worry,_ yo. I had to go be IT for a flower field, and a holy place's computer stuffs. And then we killed a guy, again." Man, Gensokyo has a lot more _killing boys_ than I remember. It _did_ happen in some fics, but still. Shieut.

...I touch the glittery water-

 _Zap!_ Ow~ fuck, fuck…! Shake hand, shake ha~nd…!

Shaking the water off my hand, I look up at Janitor-chan incredulously!

"...Tha- that's why no one's… stealed it." She has an uneven smile. "You- you _still_ _have_ the medicine, right…? Please tell me-"

" _Yes._ " I promise her that! "It's _good for you_ stuff, dude…" Also, it's _stolen_ , not _stealed_ …! Stealt? I'm gonna stealt ya, son…!

…

Oh, yeah, where's the other goons…?

 _Click._ There's _one_ of them.

People give us funny looks, 'cause that fairy dropped her skirt in public. Freakin'...!

...Oh. Panty-chan's up on an _adjacent roof,_ for some reason. Wha- well, okay.

I make a suggestionification. "Let's go get breakfast." Let us start our day, dude.

"I like breakfast!" See? Hana likes breakfast, dude.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I told a lie, dude. We actually stopped by the Kirisame Magic Shop…!

 _Di- di~ng!_ Aw, it has a bell too, dude!

Stepping inside, I gaze around the place…

The store's basic front is like, a big window, and a nice door that you can _see into_ yo. Inside, it's kinda cluttered, but that's to be expected of stores out here, really. Good inventory!

An old guy's at the counter! He must be Kirisame, dude…!

"Yo ho ho~!" I call out to him as we enter!

"Hello~!" He waves! "...Who're ya!?"

"It's me, dude." We go way back. "J.K. Stalin, dude." Famous author of Harry Potter and the Soviet Economic Crisis…!

...He nods! "Okay! Ya here ta buy anything…?"

...Goo~d question! "...Do you sell _magic?_ "

"What kinda magic store would it be without magic to store?" He grins back at me! "In short, yes… you'll just hafta be a little more _specific_ than that."

Hoh. Hmm~...

"I like magic!" Hi, Hana.

Clink. Janitor-chan sets the bucket on the table-

 _Fwzip_. Marcus pokes his finger near it, and some of the electricity arcs out for a moment, before the water stops being faintly luminescent. Oh, _that's_ why it looked like water from the fountain 'a youth. It was the _electricity._ He looks kinda puzzled about it, though!

You know… "Are there like, magic _potions_ in this land, yo?"

He smiles! "Certainly! We got _health potions_ , mana potions, good potions, bad potions…"

Gimme some _cool, bad_ potions, man. "How much was it fer health potions, now…?"

"Five hundred yen!' Ho ho! "...Basic mana variants're _a thousand_ , 'cause mana." Ho ho ho…

And, I have no money. Except for those donations the fairies collected…

"I- I thought…" Janitor-chan looks over at me, and furrows her brows. "I thought we were gonna have breakfast."

Hmm. "...I'll save some _money_ for that, yo." I was about to just blow all their donation money, but… I mean, they _earned it_ with their freakin' tears- which I _still_ don't understand- so it'd be wrong of me to just kinda piddle it all away on utility stuff.

How much do we even _have_ is the bigger question…

I reach into the bucket…!

 _Spla~sh_. Some of it flows out onto Kirisame's counter…!

"Sorry- lemme just, reach into my _wallet…_ " I scour for the funds at the bottom of my wallet…!

"Say- 're those fairy tears…?" Kirisame leans over the bucket…! "Get ya hand out."

"Ah, shit…" I take my hand out…!

…

He holds it hand over it-

All the money floats out, and he places it on the counter nearby. "I'll tell ya _what._ I'll take these _fairy tears_ off ya hands… and I'll give ya a bundle 'a real simple health potions and mana potions. Sound good?"

I have no idea how much fairy tears are supposed to be worth, but I can always make more, I'm sure! "Yeah, yo!"

Janitor-chan holds up a hand…! "But… that's my bucket."

Kirisame looks up at her. "...Ah, I'll transport the tears over ta 'a new bucket, then." Hoh.

"S'not every day someone actually gives a shit about buying potions!" As he _floats_ a new bucket out from under the counter, he speaks! "Even less so the young'uns like _you_ , fer whatever reason. People get all _antsy_ at the idea of _healin' their wounds_ so easy, and I tell 'em 'yes it's easy'! But they don't listen!"

 _Sploo~sh_. He deposits the fairy tears into the other bucket… "Only _now and again_ , some youkai hunters stop by 'n' top up on potions. I mean, they don't always replace surgery yeah, but they sure help a sword 'er bullet to the gut! Or, y'know. Fangs, magic, danmaku… _bombs_. If you're not dead, it can _probably_ fix it!"

Cla- cla- clack! Some potions are floated over onto the counter before us…!

Bending down, he lifts the now empty blue bucket, and sets it on the counter before me. "Here's yer bucket."

Janitor-chan retakes it. "Thank you…"

He gestures to the potions. "An, there's yer _potions_ fer the _tears_ , thank ya very much!"

...Six health potions, two mana potions! I assume red's _health_ and blue's _mana_ , like it always is. It's good value, dude, good value.

"I didn't know crying was worth money!" Hana does a little leap! "I'll cry more!"

...She makes a _really_ focused expression…!

"Aah, don't you worry your pretty little head." Marcus kept her from hurting herself…! "Come back any time now, ya hear? Especially if you happen to bring magical stuff with ya every time!"

Ho ho! "Alright, yo!" Lemme just… put some of this _stuff_ away.

…

 _Click._ Skirt-chan unbuckles her skirt, standing on the desk all of a sudden.

...He looks over her briefly, before looking back at me! "I'd give ya points if she was _mature_." Aaa~h, aaa~h!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We stopped in this rather hoighty toighty place down the village fer some _breakfast_ to _break_ the _fast_ , dude. The walls have these chocolate bar-like beams going up and across the ceiling….

There's some well-dressed people here, and booths and stuff. Seems like a diner…

"Let's find a seat, yo." I direct us towards one of the booths, since we've got a _big party._

We find one with those _curvy bench seats_ near the window. Oddly, it kinda blocks out the interior of the diner bar thing with a like, curtain, but it gives us our own little roomie room, yo.

Hana sits next to me, trapping me into my side…!

Janitor-chan and the _midget sisters_ sit across from us. Do we wait to be served, or…? I mean, this looks like a standard restaurant, so I think that's how it works.

…

Hana hugs me, all of a sudden! Well, okay. Hug, friend…

"Mrrm…" Janitor-chan starts dusting the table, 'cause there's _old particles_ on it.

Man, it's only now I realize how _perfect_ fairies look by comparison to normal people. Probably because they're like… _not_ biological. They respawn when they die! And, apparently their tears are worth something…

They made like, thirteen thousand yen. If one thousand is _about_ ten dollars, we have more than enough for some grub unless we buy the entire damn restaurant.

Panty-chan has some _additional panties_ for some reason. I don't even know whose. She's got _Yuuka's pair_ on her face, probably out of _sheer pride_ that she managed to escape with them.

...After a moment, a waitress comes up! "He-... hey." She's got bobby, navy-blue hair, and looks dead inside. I suppose that's a bit redundant, innit- being a waiter and all. Short, too!

"Hi, friend." I look over at her. "Do you serve chocolate chip pancakes, yo?" _Fluff_ cakes…

"...I- yeah, we do." She scribbles it down. Aw, cool.

"I gotta have a good meal." Just gonna put that out there, without context!

...She gives me a small smile, before looking at Hana. "And-"

"I want fruit!" Hana wants fruits of the earth!

"I- I'll… take some blueberry waffles." Janitor-chan likes blueberries, dude.

"Alright. And… to drink?" The waitress waves her primitive looking pencil about… "Also, um…"

She looks over at Skirt-chan and Panty-chan.

"They'll have buttermilk." Janitor-chan interjects! "They like those, I think." Ya _think_.

"Me 'n' Hana'll have orange juice." She likes oranges, so~...!

"Yeah!" See? Yo ho ho!

"Milk would be fine." Janitor-chan requests milk stuffs. "For these two, too." She gestures back to the _undergarment sisters_...

"Alright…" The navy-haired waitress nods. "...I- I'll be back, with your... drinks."

With that-

 _Click_. Skirt-chan stands up in her seat, and drops her skirt.

...The waitress just hardens her gaze for a moment, before turning away as if she didn't see that.

Panty-chan was now behind her! ...Curiously, she didn't have a new pair, though. I think. She has so many it's getting hard to tell…!

The waitress slips out through the earth green curtain, moving further into the deep green-themed diner.

...When I look back at the table, Panty-chan's seated again…!

"Didja get a new pair, yo?" I ask her a question!

She shook her head. Holy _shit_ she can answer yes and no questions!

...Well, anyway. Waiting for foods, dude…

…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Hana's snuggled me against the wall… Send help!

"Hmhmhm~!" She hums happily as she freakin' _smooshes me_ against the side of our booth, into the wall. "You're warm…" Awa~h…!

It's been awhile. The girl's not even back with our drinks yet…? Freakin'... what is this place, yo. A _waiting room?_ Ahaha. Haha. Hoh.

"Mmn!" Hana, this is not _publicly decent_. Thankfully, these booths are freakin' private as fuck.

"Ha- Hana…" Janitor-chan tries to save me! "I know you… like him, and all, but…"

"Our _food's_ not here yet." Hana nuzzles her head into my neck…! I have not felt such things before in my life…! "I wanna _snuggle_."

...Well. Could be worse, yo.

…

Alright, seriously, where's our stuff. S'a good thing you don't pay upfront at restaurants! Geesh.

I don't mind getting freakin' smooshed into the wall by Hana, though. She's _soft_ , and affection is a _foreign concept_ for me, and I'm always up to try new things! Unless it's dying- I think I can sit that one out for, like, awhile.

And then-

"Nnh…" The waittress is back with our drinks! "Yo- your… fo- food, it's ready- I'm so sorry- just wa- wait…"

She randomly disperses our drinks to our table members, before hurrying off. Why was she all disheveled? Freakin'...

...Everyone starts sippin' from their glasses.

Aw, orange juice. Boost to the immune system, dude! Now I'm Captain Planet…

Hana scoots away from me, a little- "Mgh, mgh, mgh…!" She guzzles her juice…!

...A moment later, our food was all placed down! "Sorry- sorry- sorry…" Alright, yeah, something looks _off_ about her. Blushing, disheveled- did she have sex in the back or something? Ah, well. _Stuff happens_ , I suppose. "En- enjoy…" With that, she marches off like the wind. Well, not quite- considering the _wind_ I've seen today- but yeah!

...Well anyway, food. And it's good food, too, dude. That's like, the best part…

...Wait, now that I think about it…

"Y'know…" I look up at Panty-chan. "Yo, Panty- _chan_. Why couldn't ya steal 'er panties?"

...She looks up at me, appearing fluffy. Aw. And then-

She stands on her seat, and lifts her skirt.

Oh… no panties either, huh. Okay. _Well then_. S'what I get for not making it a yes or no question…! Can't steal any if there aren't any to steal!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After a _million years_ , I decided to just get up and freakin'... get the _bill_ myself, since it was pretty obvious that waittress ain't comin' back!

Hana blocks my way. "I'm cuddly." She tries to cuddle me…!

"Hi, cuddly." Freakin'... "Lemme out, cuddly…!"

...After some shuffling, I get outta the booth past her! We've all been finished for _awhile now_ , so...

Marching up to the front counter, where no one was sittin', I try to get this dude guy's attention. "Yo, yo~."

...After a moment, he stops lookin' at the back shelves, and looks at me. "Hi- hey, what can I do for you today, sir?" ...He's got short brown hair and _doofy_ glasses.

"I'd like my _bill_ yo." Freakin'...

"Oh, right!" Snapping to attention he reaches into his pocket, and takes out a notepad and a _modern pen_. "Let's see~. That'll be~ four thousand yen, about…"

Sure. I hand over the funds…

"You're all set!" He gives me a nod before immediately turning away, looking at the back bottles again. Well then!

...I move over to my booth, and swing the curtain open! "Let's go, yo. We're goin' on the road again!"

Freakin'... according to the map, this place was Lovely Lagoon. Note to self: don't expect timely service here! It took like a _zillion years_ to get served, and even more to realize we gotta _pay at the desk_.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We're on the village roa~d! We're movin' for the gate that leads down the Hakurei path…

After getting through the square, it's just a matter of moving forward!

...Hana _bumps into me_ , like a _clumsy fairy_ , except she fully intended to do it. "Bra~d-ku~n…"

"Hi." I'm being harassed, dude. "You're a _nugget_."

"Hehe~!" She likes that, apparently…!

If she's going to call me something ulta-cringe, I might as well do it, too, yo. "...Ha-chan." They sometimes shorten the names, right? Hana-chan, Ha-chan? Ha-chan rolls off the tongue a bit better… and it's _cute_.

"Ooo~!" She perks up-

Oof! What're ya, a cat!? Freakin'... headbutting my _flank._

"Thi- this place is so _dirty_ …" Janitor-chan really wants to get out of here, too! I think I'm _done_ with the village, for right now…

Something tells me this is a _dicey_ place to like, live, but I'll probably be coming back here again. As if I have any other planned hotspots for my indefinite and probably- _preferably_ unending stay in Gensokyo…!

Oof! Ha-chan, freakin'...!

"C'mere, yo!" I wrap an arm around 'er, 'cause _counter-wrangling!_

"Mmn…!" Speak a language we understand, yo…!

...As we approach the gate-

 _Cla- cla- cla- clank_. The guard opens it to let us _escape_. Gettin' out's less of a project than gettin' in, that's for sure!

Guard dudes doesn't even give us any goodbyes as we transition out into the path outside…

Cla- cla- cla- _bam._ The gate shuts behind us once we're all out and movin' for the… _path_.

...Forests! The day's getting a _little_ late, but y'know yo… issa _day._

The sky's rather _nice_. The weather's pretty brisk, but I feel comfy. It's probably this fairy humping my side, and the fact I'm with company. I rather like this…

'Mind the fairies', Yukari said. Well, I think I'm minding them pretty well!

...So-

Sakuya appears before us, on the path!

" _There_ you are…"

Stepping towards us, she has her arms on her hips. "...Hana, Janitoria, Skirt, Panty." ... _Janitoria._

"A- ah…!" Janitor-chan snaps to attention-

 _Woosh_. She ducks under her own bucket after almost hitting herself in the face with it, before saluting with her mop hand instead. "Chi- Chief!"

"Hi, Chief!" Hana's still marking me as her territory! Like- the way cats nuzzle you to deposit their scent, not when dogs _piss everywhere_.

 _Click_. Skirt-chan drops her _skirt pants, dude_.

...Panty-chan is where Sakuya _was_. Sakuya is no longer directly before us!

...She vanishes-

The two rapidly appear and reappear all along the path and foliage around us, seemingly freakin' snapping about-

 _Thud_. Panty-chan fell backward, a bowling ball strapped to her back.

Sakuya's properly before us again! "...Hello to you two."

"Hi." I wave at her, yo.

"...Oh, right. You left on that _errand._ " She steps towards me! "Have you obtained lady Patchouli's medicine?"

"Ye." Reachin' into my bag, I hold it out-

Sakuya swipes it! ...She _examines it too_ , just in case I shoved it up my ass. "Very good."

She holds out a small pouch. "Here's payment, for your service." Oo~h! I'm gettin' _paid_ fer this!

"Aw, sweet!" I accept it! "Coinage, dude…!"

"And now…" Holding up her hand, Sakuya… reveals my fairy contract card things! Hoh, shit! "Since your operation is _complete_ , I'll be taking these."

Oof. Well… since Ha-chan's not bound by _the heart of the cards_ -

"Also, you're needed back at the mansion, Hana, as are all of you." Sakuya plans on stealing _all_ of my party members…!

"Wha~t!? Why!?" Ha-chan seeks to defy the legends!

"...You've all been gone for _well over_ a day, or two." Sakuya argues back…!

"I'm- I'm very sorry!" Hastily, Janitor-chan bows to Sakuya! "But- I got contracted- and-"

"I know, I know." Sakuya gives her a single nod. "The lot of you are simply needed."

...She focuses on me! "You may return with me if you wish, or continue exploring. I cannot guarantee your safety without bodyguards, however." Freaki~n'..

...Y'know. "I think I'll keep _explorin'_ for a bit." I got some new weapons, and a boy in blue hasn't jumped me so soon. I think I might not die soon! Unless there's secretly a bunch of cloaking scythe-armed praying mantis people I haven't been aware about or something.

Turning around in the air, Sakuya begins to drift off. "Come."

" _No~._ " Ha-chan _refuses._

...Pausing, Sakuya looks back at her.

"Co- come on…!" Janitor-chan pulls on her arm! "We need to _go!_ Chief needs us!"

" _Make me_." Determined, Ha-chan folds her arms. "Come. Take me back."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

" _Aaa~h!_ " Ha-chan's dragged off kicking and screaming…! "Buh' I do' wahnna~!"

Sakuya and Janitor-chan have her by either arm, slowly pulling her down the path towards the lake ahead…

"I'll catch up with ya soon! I think!" I call out to her! Not like I know where the hell chapter seven will take me, since the revising stops on this chapter, for now! Aa~h, piss.

Oh, yeah, Sakuya's luggin' Panty-chan off over her shoulder, and Skirt-chan's just walkin' along with them.

…

Very quickly, it has become o~nly me…!

This is vaguely _scary_. I could always camp out at Reimu's shrine come nightfall… or I could quickly~...

Didn't Rinnosuke have a store!? Yo! What's this _other path_ lead down to, anyway? Like, on the bit between the shrine and the lake, there's a diverting path that just slowly ebbs into the woods. I wanna see where _that_ goes.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

 _Di- di~ng!_

This must be the Kourindou! Or, if it's not, then it's the evil alternative, the Dourinkou. You must never get the two confused, dude.

The shop's bell's fun, yo. Inside, I see piles of _stuff_ and or _things_ just everywhere, except for on the tidy counter to the right, and before the doors. Well- the _main floor_ is clean, the walls and the floor before the walls _not so much_.

...Oh, hey, it's Rinnosuke. He looks friendly and personable, dude. He's also very engrossed in his book!

...Although, me staring like a creeper rouses his spidey senses, so he notices me in turn! "Hmm…?"

"Yo, yo... what's good in the hood… dog." I try to speak youkai to him, dude.

...He just gives me a _stare!_ I don't even know how much money I've actually got on me right now. Well, there's the nine thousand left from the fairy money, but then there's the coinage Sakuya handed me.

Actually, wasn't Kourindou, like, the junk store where valuable outside crap ends up? Maybe I can find an infinity plus one sword here in the trash, or something. Or a _bazooka_.

"Can I… help you with something?" He finally addresses me after we stare one another down!

I nod. "Hello, _son._ Do you have any… _bazookas?_ "

"Unfortunately, no." He shakes his head plainly. "You may look around, if you'd like."

Oh, cool. I think I'll… do that.

While he goes back to readin' his _Japanese book_ , I'll just look for some _stuffs_ I might like…

Gardening tools! Maybe if I give Yuuka enough _hoes_ , I'll return to neutral with her.

Old appliances, like freakin'... there's a _toaster_ , in here. Metal scrap craps.

...I lean towards one of the backest piles-

Cla- clank, clang. A fluffle emerges from it, and starts waving itself around, displacing stuff. Fluff scrap craps.

Pots, and pans! Pats, and pons! A _microwave_ , dude! We could start _microwave warfare!_

Is that a _muffler?_ I'm gonna _muffle ya_ , son! My primary weapon should've been mufflers. Then again, that's like, the broadsword of blunt mundane objects. Where's the~...

Oh, there's a plant hanger! I think. It's… it's a little _weird_ looking. It looks like it's carved of marble, or perhaps some really old, light stone. Sort of gaudy, sort of _holy,_ but still gothic-ish like plant hangers sort of tend to be.

One man's junk is another man's treasure, dude. There's some symbols etched on the plant hanger, in what _seem_ to be like, old ass Japanese. Maybe. I'm not an archaeologist.

...Oh, on the inside folds, there's this cool flower shape etched into the stone work, and a _yin-yang orb_ on either side of it. Ooo~.

I pick it up-

Why's it so light? As in, it doesn't weigh much. Hmhm.

Next to it in the pile it was in, seems to be a different plant hanger. This one's a tint different, but also made of white stone. This one's got _crosses_ madly etched into the exterior, and it looks a lot more… _janky_ , jagged. I think I'll grab that one for now, too.

...On a higher shelf nearby, is some neatly arranged and assorted trinkets. Like, this _tiny_ fuel tank, with a yellow alert decal on the top where the valve should be. Next to it was this long orange rod…

You know, I _think_ I could do something with those! I nab 'em off the shelf, too!

Approaching the counter-

Ho~ld up, what's this…? Wait, lemme just

 _Cla- cla, clank!_ I lay down all the crap!

"I found _stuff!_ " He's sellin' _neat stuff_ in here!

...He looks up from his book, and his brows raise!

Stepping away from the counter, I near the pile of doom in the back again… and reach my hand in. There's something buried here, and it looks _cool._ Lemme just-

Cla- clank. After pulling on it, a surge protector clatters onto my hand-

 _Boom!_

 _Oww~ shit_ , son! Oof…! An _explosion!?_ The pile _exploded!_

 _Cla- cla- clank!_ Crap rains around the now halved pile as I-

Nnh! Land on my _ass_ some feet away…

"Ah- hey!" Rinnosuke, why do you have _bombs_ in your _shit!?_ "Are you okay!?" No!

...Well, maybe. I feel like I got hit by a fuckin'... _tonka truck,_ except only the broad side after it drifted into me. The _fuck_.

...I- I try to sit up- nope, oh okay…

Rounding his counter, Rinnosuke kneels next to me! "Are you okay!?" Son…!

Potions. I bought potions…!

Reaching into my bag- why do I _hurt still_ \- I take out a potion, and…

Bringing my arm up hurts for some reason!

Taking my potion for me, Rinnosuke's gaze meets mine. "Look- I'll cast it on you. First… let me pull it out." Pull _it_ out? Pull what-

He reaches down for my shoulder- oo~h, there's a like… _Apple laptop interior_ shoved into my shoulder blade, just barely, red flowing through my shirt and out around it. God fucking _damn it_ , Apple. Actually, I don't know if this is a-

Rinnosuke dug his hand into my upper chest and pulled-

 _Shink!_

 _Oo~h my go~d!_ Haa~haa~-

He tosses the potion in the air, and it glows-

 _Di- di~ng!_ The glowing solvent from it splashes onto my form, almost teleporting in-

Oo~h. _Oo~h_. Bye, pain. Yes.

...Well, _fuck_. Guess potions were a good investment!

"I'm very sorry." Rinnosuke gives me a hard stare, nodding. "I didn't realize… in fact…"

He looks around. "I don't know _what_ exactly blew up, but… I'll search that pile and remove it when I find it. I just…"

"Aa~h, it's… cool." I wave it off, kind of. "Why do you stock _bombs_ in your _stuff piles_ …!?"

"I didn't know there _was_ one." Sighing, he stands fully. "I've gotten… sort of complacent about my stock, here. A lot of it's the same as it's always been, but… there may've been things that've slipped in with shipments that escaped me."

...Ah. Looking around the floor, I see the thing I was _trying_ to dig out before it fucking exploded. Also, my shirt's a little ripped and bloody, but my skin's fine again, somehow. Casted potions work quick, apparently! That's convenient…

Bending down, I pick up the _thing._ It's… it's not a plant hanger, but it's so abstractly shaped it may as well be! It's made of janky, abstractly aligned metal, connected by welded stiff axles, beams messily connected by long-dried black tar, and the broad bits have _stupid, dull spikes_ on 'em. The very tip of it has a black ball, with other tiny silly spikes on it.

...Getting up off the floor with it, I toss it onto the counter-

 _Boom!_ What the _fu~ck!?_

I like, duck and cover! What _is_ that shit!? Are we being bombed!? What's going on…!?

"Oh, geez…!" Rinnosuke flinches, too!

Cla- clank. Some of the _stuff_ I put onto the counter falls onto the floor. Freakin'...

…

After a moment, he exhales. "Oh. _Oh_."

"Is this, like, a normal thing…!?" I wanna know just what the hell's goin' on around here!

He points to the weird thing I placed on the counter before an explosion happened in my _face_. Luckily nothing lodged itself near my fuckin' heart again. Jesus Christ.

"That thing…" He focuses on it. "...It explodes when you don't handle it carefully."

Are you for fuckin' real. That's… you know, that's… not actually that bad. I want that. That's _pretty much_ a bazooka, except hand thrown! Holy fuck!

I grin at the shopkeep! "That's pretty goo~d!"

He blinks at me…!

...Crouching down, I pick up some of the _stuff_ that got thrown off-

"Well, let me specify…" Taking a moment, he clears his throat. "Ahem. It's a… structural integrity verifier, designed to test the validity of replicated structural entities. I'm not entirely certain what that means, but that's its purpose. It's part of a larger machine. It boosts the power of bomb skills, akin to a bomb elemental weapon. On hard impacts, it makes a blast."

That so. "I'll be takin' that, then!"

Again, he blinks. "...Oh? Hmm. I suppose I should give it to you, for the trouble it caused. I haven't a need for it; I'd honestly rather get rid of it or lock it up somewhere, at this rate."

It's in good hands, dude. I totally won't use it to brain some youkai skulls if they try ta eat my shit.

...Spoiler alert: I probably will!

While _thefting_ the 'bomb hanger' from him- as I will now deem it- I point at the hanger with the yin yang orbs on the inside! "Yo~. What's good wit' this?"

...He focuses on it for a second, too. "Well… it's a holy plant hanger, forged by the Hakurei. To hang plants, you know." Aww~! Ancient _Hakurei_ weapons, dude! "It deals holy damage when you hit things with it. If you channel a lot of mana into it, it will make a blinding flash."

Oh, good. You know, that's a lot better than all my other physical-only shit. Actually has _some_ range to it, meanwhile I can just toss the bomb hanger at people for bonus points and shit. Yeah, that's actually not _terrible_ by comparison to my old non-strategy…!

I point at the other holy-looking, crappier hanger. "What's this thing, now?"

...Furrowing his brows at it, he shakes his head. "Its utility is something along the line of 'spreading the name of the lord'. It's a… scathing sentiment, about as jagged as its appearance. There's no magic to it. It's _also_ meant to hang plants, although it's specifically only supposed to be affixed to a cross."

Oh, so it's a piece of crap, then. I've already got a proper metal plant hanger that I've upgraded to be a piece of crap plus one, so I don't need another regular piece of crap! "...I think ya can hold onto that one."

"Very well." He takes the crappier holy hanger away, leavin' me with the _Hakurei_ brand, yo. The good shit!

I point at the fuel canister and the shaft doodad! "What're these, yo?"

He points at the shaft. "It's a shaft. Sturdy brass, elementally attuned for durability. Earth elemental." He points at the fuel canister. "...A mini-flamethrower fuel canister, of tempered steel. Fire elemental. No fuel."

Huh. So they're about as I thought, kinda.

...I _caress_ the goods with an open hand. "How much, yo?"

"Ten thousand yen, probably." Geesh. Guy drives a hard bargain…! Well, I guess the elemental doodads aren't necessarily common. Especially like, _fire_ , here on the overworld. Earth I can see finding anywhere, or asking Suwako or something.

...Let's see, nine thousand from the fai~ries, and… Sakuya better've paid me more than _ten bucks_ to run around! I open up the pouch- oh, there's folded up bills in here, too. Like… five grand? Five grand. So fifty bucks! Well… that works. Sakuya probably could've just picked up the meds herself, so it's nice I got _anything_.

I place the ten thousand yen down. "Here you go, yo."

"Thank you." He gives me a nod! "...And, do come again, if you could. Customers around these parts are _few and far between_ , shall we say. I promise not to blow you up next time." Wahaha!

...I might as well see if this crap fits onto any of my _stuff_ while I'm here!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Stone Mason… is now the Quake Maker! 'Cause it has a shaft melded onto it! How's them apples!? Yeah- that previous name was long-lived, wasn't it?

I have no idea how the fuel canister will fit onto Flame Dispenser, so I'll worry about that later.

Holy Hanger I'm just gonna keep calling Holy Hanger 'cause I got nothin' to slap onto it. Hoh.

"You know…" Rinnosuke watches me put away my _stuff_. "If you _could_ , I'd like you to check on something, for me."

Oh? "Waddaya mean?" S'not often I'm asked to do things! Aside from recently!

"I had Marisa go out to examine where some things of mine have been taken, recently." He prefaces _the quest._ "...And, naturally, she won't let _anyone else_ steal my merchandise. There was a trail of some of my smaller goods."

Walking around the counter, he gestures for me to follow. "Around this way." Oo~h.

...Moving through his back room, he points out back. Oh, yeah, there's like…! There's a piece of shitty metal on the ground to the left! And, a radio to the right, in the bushes. "As you can see, it's… _pretty obvious_ where everything went."

"...Ah." I nod! "So… where's _me?_ " What'm I supposed ta do!? Get it back? Didn't ya send Marisa!?

"She's been out for awhile, and I don't want her doing anything rash… or breaking anything." I assume by 'she' he means Marisa. After a moment, he stepped back inside. "If you could... go check on the situation, maybe? I don't want to ask you to do anything you don't feel capable of or comfortable with."

Ah, I wave my hand. "S'cool, yo." Might as well figure out how mean this place is! I'm sure with my crap and potions I could just _run away_ if things got ugly… "I'm just stoppin' in to _survey_ the situation, yeah…?"

Receding back towards his main room, he nods back at me. "Essentially. It's up to you."

...I might as well get goin' right now! "Alright, yo!"

...You ever get that awkward half-feeling of like, 'I shouldn't be here'? Yeah- I half felt like I should've gone back to the mansion! But screw it, yo, screw it, I wanna see Marisa shoot people maybe. And, if not, I'll get to run away really fast!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

…

The magic forest is quiet. _Too quiet…_

"Hehehe~!" Well, barring the giggling of fairies. And-

 _Splash!_ "Woa~h! Bubble-chan, hold on- waah!"

There's a lot of fairies doing shit, actually. They're not really caring about me all that much, either. They seem to be preoccupied with a nearby pond, or something…

But, yeah, they kinda kill the 'creepy forest' atmosphere.

...After continuing past them, following the _abandoned furniture_ , I move through a channel of trees 'n' not totally bruth-obscured forestry…

I should probably stop giving a shit and just charge through the bushes, but- wait, I'd lose sight of the _goods!_ Yeah.

...Ahead, there's what looks like a stereo just embedded in a poofy, leafy bush. Y'know, as opposed to an _unleafed bush_. I mean it's got big leaves!

Also, the magical forest, as always, is _dark._ For some reason, you can see… well, I guess they're not _stars._ Maybe there's just magic particles in the air and it makes it looks like nighttime in here.

...So I pass that stereo-

 _Cra- crack!_ Oh- whelp, so much for the 'make sure stuff doesn't break' thing! It's shattering before me…!

 _Crack!_ ...Ah.

A goo girl emerges from it, swaying about. She's blue! "Nnh…"

"...Hello?" Let's be bold! How are you, today!?

"Mmh…" She makes vaguely feminine noises, staring at me with an uneven expression. "Nnn." Oh.

…

" _Nh!_ " I make a masculine noise at her! "Unh!"

"Muoh." Alright, I haven't a clue what she's sayin'...!

...I just- I just kinda walk off. Rest in peace, stereo.

Continuing forward, I just kinda… _keep walking_. Ho ho ho~...

After advancing through enough of the brush and walking past enough neat furniture-

"honh honh honh honh" I find a loli-sized fluffle, standing next to an upright lamp.

"Oh, hello, friend." I greet the loli-sized fluffle. "You're a tubby person."

...It just continues to prance back and forth next to the lamp, facing me. "honh ho he ho he"

I guess it's friendly, then. Walking ahead-

" _honh ho ho ho he"_ A person-sized fluffle person wades through the brush, and prances towards me!

"Yo- hello…!" Hi, fluff person. Why're you-

" _he ho honh ho he"_ You can stop getting closer now! Freakin'-

Taking out Flame Dispenser, I point it at it! "No, yo! Back off, noo~b…"

" _he ho ho he ho_ " It continues to skip towards me!

Once it gets within hugging distance, I thrust!

 _Foof_. The pudgy tub yields to my assault-

 _Fwoom_. I also happened to have ignited it.

"what no" It looks down the fire. "you made me an outcast"

...Slowly, the entire thing began to burn-

 _Fwoom!_ It collapsed, and the fire ate all the dust instantly, before ceasing to exist. I think I accidentally killed it. But that's okay, apparently! They're not even alive things, I guess. I can't really tell, even.

...Even though I killed its friend, the remaining fluffle is still dancing next to that lamp. "honh honh ho he ho he"

...Well, ignoring that, I'm just gonna… go in the direction hinted by these stapler iron things that're embedded in the dirt, whatever they are.

...After a moment, I come to, like, a _big rock._ Yeah, yo. It's big.

Around the sides of it, there're some uneven, crooked palisades kinda-sorta set up next to one another. Hrrm.

Aw, dude!

Rumia twirls around in the air ahead of me, some fluffles hanging onto her arms…

...Not sure if I should aggro her! She's kinda like, the person who always eats outsiders at the beginning of stories! And, she has _actual spell cards_ , I'm pretty sure. So-

"Round and round I go!" Rumia's fluffy. "I go round and round!" Like a record, baby!

...I wonder if Rinnosuke has a record player. Well, anyway…

"Love Sign!" Oh, there's a Marisa somewhere, too. " _Master Spaa~rk!_ " And-

 _VRRRRRRRR_

Holy shi~t…! Ground's all rumbly rumbly, dude…!

Bright light flares out from over the palisades, rainbow-tinted streaks of light shining through the jagged gaps and making our little clearing look like a disco hall…!

RRRrrr…

After a moment of ear rape and funky disco good times, the spark ends, allowing us to return to our regularly scheduled _indefinite darkness_.

"Right 'round like a record!" Rumia actually kind of knows the lyrics I was thinking of…! "Round, round, round, round!"

...The entire palisade line starts shuffling!

"honh honh honh honhhonhhonhhonhon _hnnhonhnh_ "

Small, ankle-sized fluffles start pouring out from around the wall. _En masse!_ Holy fucking-

Alright, Rumia's a better option! I run towards her-

"Woah, woah!" Rumia starts flailing her limbs, as fluffles scale her instead of just hang off her!

...Reaching into my bag for Quake Maker, I- holy shit-

Fluffles start _scurrying up my thigh son_ -

Swing! Swing! A~nd _swing!_

Oh, boy. Back! Back, I say!

 _Patatatatat!_ Rumia starts unleashing danmaku randomly!

Hnngh…! Swing- swing- swing- swing- arms, arms're tired…! Aaa~h, aaa~h!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 6

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Guy from IT who Weaponizes Plant Hangers

PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Maker - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes due to an upgrade. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder.

INVENTORY:

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Dispenser - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Upgraded to have a nozzle with which the weapon can be utilized as a flame thrower with.

Vortex Hanger - A pastel-green and grey plant hanger, comprised of mysterious industrial metals. Is always vaguely windy, and thus floats on flat surfaces like an air-hockey. Boosts wind abilities and spells; can cast minor wind spells via swinging, although for the most part that consists of a slight height boost when jumping which can be repeated, resulting in psuedo-flying. Currently attached to the flail...

Hydraulic- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Mundane, but practical in the eyes of a few. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Darker Than Dark - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Due to a dark amulet upgrade, it may be used to cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes.

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Fancy operating cross v.2.0 - Allows control and summoning of a London doll, along with some basic commands.

PARTY:

London, the Doll - Defensive unit, able to hold positions and provide cover-fire. Command is slightly dynamic, sporting defensive and offensive modes. Able to be used for more intricate operations; although seems to be strangely absent if the operating cross is in the hammerspace sack this time…

Rumia, the Darkness Youkai - Vaguely sufficient brute strength, but dimwitted at times and not very capable in various instances. Playful and childish, she likes to devour humans in the night time, and occasionally 'play' with them, typically by means of danmaku. Marginally more docile during the day, depending on how hungry she is. Deceptively cuddly looking!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Danmaku, apparently!

Marisa Kirisame, the Ordinary Magician - Ordinary human, who happens to have spent alot of time studying magic to the point she's got a huge mana pool for unleashing heavy non-elemental magic storms.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Mini-hakkero, a power-amplifying device Marisa uses to fuel her Master Sparks; love-elemental and non-elemental moves are accented by the 25% power boost naturally provided; this percentage is based on other mini-hakkeros. The fact other mini-hakkeros exist is alarming to me. What's a full-sized hakkero like anyway?

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

finally freakin finished this! this chapter took one day too long, but i like how i wrapped it up!

received various criticisms regarding pacing and structure that i wanna keep in mind; im not sure how much in the previous chapters really warrants a once-over to fix, but i do wanna improve stuff and things so any feedback regarding what i could be doing wrong is appreciated- i wanna grow as a writer, even if this fic is mostly for myself

things i know: pacing is whack because i don't properly structure paragraphs or adjust their size quite properly in comparison to the action going on or pacing of previous events; i was told it was kinda awkward and all over the place, and that's because it IS awkward and all over the place- i didn't think it out, i just wrote what i felt like writing, and it shows. that's not entirely a bad thing though- but something to keep in mind were i to take things more seriously. in retrospect, if i wanted this story to function proper i'd have needed to make vague outlines or atleast typed in consistent moods… aka paying any attention at all to my pacing

where it concerns the dialogue execution: i like it; this is what i'd like to read when it comes to dialogue, and i personally find it smooth and not too confusing- i was told the perspectives switch alot aswell, but i'm not entirely certain where or what that really means- because as far as i'm concerned it's all from my guy's point of view unless the whole "the thoughts aren't italicized i cant tell them from the regular descriptive narrator statements raah" is a problem… which i feel like shouldn't be a big big issue- it might be a little jerky at times but i dunno i feel like both A) the reader can get used to it if they're bored enough and B) this flows far better than some other things i've seen and is in no way absolutely horrible so it's not terrible overall

i do acknowledge that, this being my first time writing first person like this and all, that there's probably some issues- feel free to beat me over the head with a plant hanger if you spot anything

oh yeah for some reason im feeling very self-conscious about the boss fight things i've made- that one rainbow armored guy was really a GIANT SPACE FLEA FROM NOWHERE essentially, and it's like "does that really fit at all", but ai dunno ai felt it worked for what it was and it set the fluffles up as antagonistic potentially

now, onto actually discussing the chapter and not my writing problems!

alot of somewhat boring moments of me going around gensokyo doing trivial activities!... but atleast i'm trying to keep power slightly consistent yet power-creepy in ways!

also more fluffles because yeah

also me finally using danmaku instead of freakin lethal measures during combat periods- it's a christmas miracle

something funky's going down at the mansion! help no!

...yeah i dont really have alot to talk about regarding the chapter itself, hahah

guess what im actually uploading this- yes your ears and eyes are not being deceived right now this'll actually be going live and probably rotting until i make the next two incidents in like fifty million years from now

see you all next time!

~Thanks,

A FREAKIN SKOOLATOON

==== _ELEVENTY KAJILLION YEARS LATER_ ====

hello it's me again

or is it

"also me finally using danmaku instead of freakin lethal measures during combat periods- it's a christmas miracle" so saideth old me

before i replaced the psuedo-danmaku fight with the cod fanboy with a segment where the goddesses just summoned forty eight hours of cannons and literally erased his carbon footprint in gensokyo (himself included)

and also i'm just retconning the fluffle fort fight itself because it's kind of oof and my old writing style doesn't really lend justice to random acts of ineffectual violence

...such will also be my remaining contribution to chapter 7 for the next sun heat death cycle among other things; retconning that brief segment so the cringe flows a _little_ better

before we move on let me just change the changelog yo

o beginning fight replaced with an execution

o kaguya and mokou still uninvolved but my fraternization with them later in the story makes sense because i still pal'd around with them in chapter 5

o better execution of the goddesses

\- including some bare minimum sanae!

O bomb hanger obtained early; this is going to be an inconsistency for the unrevised chapter seven, where i also actually get the bomb hanger again (although it'll seem cheeky because my guy was supposed to only learn about it this chapter, and he's going to go "i already know what it does just give it to me", so it works out funnily enough for now even if it's WRONG)

o potions got this chapter, along with better marcus

o hana's ha-chan moniker obtainment's actually kind of a nice moment

o we dine somewhere particular this time

o fairy pals existing period where they didn't before

o sakuya still retrieves ha-chan, except also her pals this time, if only because it'd be kind of awkward to segway into chapter 7 with them still there or at kourindou and _oh god dude suddenly they don't exist_ ; now they get to naturally slip out and not appear again for awhile

o lots of running around mitigated

o we no longer visit alice this chapter (really no reason last time)

o we don't bum out in marisa's like an insane asylum escapee (not really any time and days _don't flow that fast_ in _revised land_ )

o different money totals are thrown about, potions too; kind of hard to unify without justification unless i just randomly lose shit like an idiot XD

o brad texting matt segment added to chapter 5 (although not at this moment)

o bomb hanger's scene actually meant something

o holy hanger bit criticizes regular religious things harder (rather cheeky innit)

o aya appears after the goddesses fuck up a boy and is fluffy now

not quite as overall overarching as some of the other changelogs but still substantial

this chapter too was essentially entirely rewritten

also my old-self was pretty spot on in his self-critique although he didn't necessarily know how to do it better or in as short of a time

also there is no longer something funky going on at the mansion as of this new take. oh no.

so anyway

these new chapters i feel were pretty solid 'cause i was just able to better a pre-existing concept and super-edit my own crappy writing, and the only person to get angry at that criticism _was me_ and i'm quite receiving of myself you might find

it only took me nearly two million total words and 1.2 M in this one fic to realize how to fix this vaguely

there will still be some inconsistencies going into the next chapter so i guess i'll point those out now

 _INCONSISTENCIES FOR READERS GOING AHEAD:_

x patchy may or may not get her meds a second time i don't think she _ever_ got them in the original take

x i buy the bomb hanger a second time

x i may have more potions than i should

x writing style in general will be worse but _not as bad as this early first batch lemme tell ya_

x ha-chan may be more timid for the ensuing chapters / less satisfying non-comedic elements

x i may receive some of the upgrades obtained again at certain intervals

x less satisfying lewds for _AWHILE_ but still there i guess (nothing M rated heyonk heyonk heyonk)

so yeah

if you find the writing style unbearably bad you can either wait for more revisions (gonna take awhile) or skip ahead like… ten chapters at a time until it stops sucking

the only spoiler i'll give is that it's real slice of lifey and you don't miss out on more than equipment progression and some references to things by darting ahead but we're kind of out of the worst of it already, with this revised early segment

we're all about the journey rather than the destination here - w - although they both should be _pretty good you'd hope_

i'd like some feedback too by the way! i whore myself out for criticism a lot so please mow me down trust me i don't take offense

As always, see you all next time!

~A FREAKIN SKOOLATOON


	7. Mansions upon Mansions upon Mansions!

(in which fluffles get feisty)

Ahhh… pain. I've been becoming a little bit too familiar with pain as of late!

"I think he's up…" It's Alice! Hello, Alice!

"I think he pushed himself a little too hard, ze…" Marisa's voice was heard, aswell.

I sat up immediately, lightheaded and dizzy. "Woohohoaaahh…"

I was seated in a bed, apparently. I looked around to see the tidy innards of a house… apparently I was not in Marisa's house, then!

Alice puts a hand on my chest. "Stay still, you. You're not in much condition to be leaping around like a maniac."

I let my balance sort itself out as I sat, and leaned against the back post. "What happened when I went out, exactly?"

Marisa chuckled. "Well, I kinda went to town on the place, ze…"

Alice sighed. "You're lucky I came when I did, or you would have destroyed half the forest for that single sack of books."

Marisa gave a sheepish grin. "Hey, I don't let just anyone make off with my stuff, ze!"

I raise a hand weakly. "Except for me!"

Marisa glares at me. "Shut up, you, or I might just leave you to the fluffles."

I put my hands up in faux-terror. "Oooh, fluffles, they're so scary!"

Alice brought a book to the top of Marisa's head. "Quit antagonizing the guest. He seemed to contribute to the siege, anyway."

Marisa rubbed her hat. "Ooow, ze... "

Turning to me, Alice began explaining things. "You went down from mana depletion, because you've got a small maximum mana pool."

I shrug. I knew that already… "Say, anyone here got any mana potions?"

Alice sighs. "You can't just rely on those, you know. Besides, commercial potions like those aren't typically good for you, in any case. Who sold them to you, anyhow?"

I look to Marisa. "A certain Kirisame magic shop in the human village sold me health and mana potions!"

Marisa's eyes widened. "Eeeh!? Someone actually went there? My dad's still running that old business?"

I nod. "Apparently. I originally bought the stuff just for that one incident, but I never used the mana potions so I decided to make some use of the investment." The stuff didn't taste like it was good for me, that was for sure!

Alice nodded. "Make sure you only use such things for dire endeavors. If I recall correctly, those kinds of things come back up later. How long was it when you ingested one of the potions, anyhow?"

I felt my stomach lurch. "...Too long ago?" I smiled sheepishly.

Marisa blanched. "He's gonna blow, ze!"

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

What color was red and blue supposed to make again…? I don't think neon lime green was the right color for my vomit…

"Don't go chugging potions like some make-believe hero, alright? The stories always omitted the cleanup afterwards, ze!" Marisa chastised me, as I stood in a new pair of clothes Alice made for me in the meantime. Also, the bed had new everythings.

My clothes were hastily made by a frustrated Alice, so they were relatively the same as before, except in camouflage like I requested! I always felt more badass in camo, for some reason...

I stretched. "My stomach is in dire need of sustenance! Plant hanger wielder needs waffles badly!" I called out. Considering all I've had to eat have been cardboard waffles and chicken-nugget molotovs for the most part, uh…

"Shush, you." Alice levitated a plate of waffles in- and not the cardboard kind, either!

"Actual waffles!" I stacked the waffles and ate them like a sandwich, ignoring the dripping syrup and butter.

As I did this, I walked to the central table in Alice's main room with Marisa. We sat down, and glasses of water were provided for us. Alice eventually sat down herself, a plate of waffles for herself placed infront of her.

Huh, regular water… if only I was some kind of lunatic who carried kool-aid canisters to school, then I would have ended up in Gensokyo with them, carried them around for like a week with nothing to use them on, and then been able to utilize this exact moment to bask in the diabetes-inducing goodness that was kool-aid… this was all my fault!

I finished off my waffles with good time to spare compared to everyone else, considering I was eating like a freakin' maniac.

"...Say, Alice… do you have any tissues around?" My hands were drenched in butter and syrup!

"...Try to be atleast a tad civil, you…" A Shanghai doll floated up holding a box of tissues.

I grab a few. "Thanks, yo." I wiped my hands loosely of the fluids, and then downed my water. It'd have to do…

Note to self: find a way to get kool-aid into Gensokyo. This was an issue of utmost importance!

I stood up. "So, them fluffles…"

Marisa grinned. "Nothing's left but a pile of charred wood, ze."

I nod. "Good. Last thing we need is to let the fluffocalypse happen before our very eyes." The world was saved from the fluffy menace!

I turned to walk out the door, but paused. "...Say, uh…" I turned around. "Do you happen to know where all those wooden forts on wheels went?"

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

Reimu boredly sat, with her legs crossed, atop a pile of wood bits, palisade logs, wooden platforms, fluffle gibs, and dust. Behind her, a few more forts were seen exploding into rains of fluffy parts and wood as yin-yang orbs whirled left and right.

"...'I'm friendly', my ass! Fuck fluffles!" Reimu roared from atop the pile, her arms slamming down on her knees.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

"...I've got no idea, ze…" Marisa scratched the back of her head. "I'm sure the local youkai will take care of 'em."

I shrug. "Not my problem anymore, in any case! I've got to go see if that shopkeeper will give me a discount for vanquishing the fluffy menace…"

I turn and leave out the door, the two magi behind me still enjoying their morning waffles.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

"...And that was how I saved the entire forest from the fluffle empire!" I finished.

Rinnosuke stared at me incredulously. "Ah… I'll ask Marisa about it later, I suppose…"

My face dropped. "Alright, I passed out from magic exhaustion and Marisa finished the job. You happy?"

He nodded happily. "That sounds more believable. What are you here for, anyway? I don't think you came back just to tell me that story."

I kinda did, expecting you to give me a discount or something, but whatever… "Do you know what kool-aid is?" I ask. Might aswell!

"...Cool aid? What exactly is that?" Rinnosuke furrowed his brows.

"Well…" This is a stretch, but… "Colored canisters with uh… Words! English words, and a big mean fat guy in a glass thing on the front…"

Rinnosuke's eyes widen. "Oh, those? Those are important fuel cells, I'll have you know!"

Those are who what now.

"Say that again?" I stare at him incredulously.

"Those canisters are supposed to contain a common but useful, and vastly powerful energy source from the outside world! I can't just give such valuable research material to someone such as yourself… no offense, I mean, you're just a customer and all…" Rinnosuke explains.

I stare at him blankly. "How much you want for 'em?"

Rinnosuke doesn't bat an eye. "Fifty thousand yen per canister."

"...I'll have you know I'm from the outside world, and those are just common energy drink solvents." I try explaining.

"Nice try." Rinnosuke's not buying it though!

"You know what? I'll find another way to get them, and when I do, I'll be rubbing the sweet taste of kool-aid in your shopkeeper face!" I mock him, before proceeding to the exit.

"Hahah… you do that. Have a good one, you hear?" he calls out to me.

"Oh, you too." I offhandedly reply, leaving the store.

I stepped outside, and looked around at the day. Noon already? How long was I out for?

I proceeded to the path to the Hakurei shrine, only to find numerous smashed forts on my way here. It ain't easy bein' fluffy I guess, yo…

I eventually came to the shrine, opting to walk up the really freakin' steep hill- more like "climbed up on all fours" by this point- instead of take the stairs. That is because the stairs were literally blocked by a smouldering mountain of wood pieces and fluffle giblets. I didn't wanna know.

I came up to the shrine, and walked in.

Reimu sat at the kotatsu, upper torso and arms tirely sprawled out over it. She appeared to be sleeping!

I walked out onto the shrine grounds, walked down the steps, and found a fluffle's disembodied fin lying in the pile, and found another fluffle's shell nose. I walked back up to the shrine and in.

I walked up to Reimu, placed the fin softly on her head, and then placed the shell nose lightly infront of her face.

"Sleep tightly, friend…" I giggled like a maniac, and then walked into Suika.

"Heya!" Suika picked me up by the collar.

"...Where's my booze, ah?" she said, before taking another chug of her gourd.

Oh, right. Well, I had the money, anyway. "Ah, that. I forgot, but don't worry, you can go with me to get some! Actually…"

I outright handed her the rest of my yen- it was like four thousand anyway, if I remember correctly. "Have the money to do it with. Go nuts."

She looks into the bag, satisfied. "Aight… See ya round." Suika walks off in a vague direction. I don't think that's where the human village is, but uh…

I hear Reimu stir. She put a hand atop her head, and took the fin off her hair.

"What the fuck…" Reimu tossed it across the room.

I don't know why, but that endlessly amused me for some reason.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

"Are you here just to pester me, or what?" Reimu asked, fully awake.

I nod. "Exactly. I'm here to be freakin' stupid all day."

Reimu scowls. "I've had enough stupidity for one day…"

I look to the door, remembering the pile of carnage outside. "Ah, right. I was here to tell you about how the fluffles were starting an uprising in the forest of magic, but uhhh…"

Reimu folded her arms. "They were starting an uprising, that's for sure. One that I had to single-handedly put to a screeching halt."

I raised my hands. "Yo, you may have stopped the mighty fort legion, but me and Marisa had to own the means of production, as it were."

Reimu tilts her head. "By that, you mean…?"

I elaborate. "The fluffles constructed a sprawling fortress in the forest of magic that operated alot like a town, and it made those mobile forts like clockwork. The buggers work like little gremlins, they do."

Reimu sighs. "Of course they would. Fucking fluffles…"

I smile. "Don't worry, though! Me and Marisa destroyed it in an epic siege! Rumia was there too, she helped."

Reimu doesn't seem any happier though. "If they're as productive as you say, who's to say they won't just erect another fortress elsewhere?"

...I hadn't thought about that. Oh, shit.

"...One of these days, we need to properly handle those fluffles…" I stand up, stretching my arms. "By the way, do you know what kool-aid is?"

Reimu shakes her head. "No. I don't want to know, either. If we're done here, can you go away? I need more sleep… and I don't want some idiot putting fluffle fins on my head while I sleep, either!"

I chuckle. "But Reimu..." I pause for effect.

"...Wh-"

"Fluffle fins are sniffable." I give her a shit-eating grin.

"...I'll give you to the count of ten. If you're not out of here in ten seconds… I don't even know. Words cannot describe what I'm going to do to you!" Reimu stood up menacingly...

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

Yin-yang orbs flowed out of the house like water, if water were made of bullets and pain. Luckily I had opted to run outside and roll down the hill instead of stick around.

I pulled out my yin-yang flail, and quickly moved to spin it up. "C'mon… spin faster! Spin the flail quickly to not die as fast!"

I took off from the floor, and gently floated into the sky.

Reimu was staring at me taking off from the side of the shrine's hill. She shook her arm and yelled presumed obscenities at me from the shrine grounds, but I was far enough away to not hear them.

I waved to her, and she just receded back into her shrine, too tired to follow me and destroy me.

I dunno whether to be amused or anxious about it, but I was quite pleased overall!

I touched down around the side of the Misty Lake, not feeling like flying around until my arms gave out and dropped me to my death. That'd hurt, I think. I dunno, I'll have to try it sometime.

"...Did you hear about him, Dai-chan?" I heard Cirno nearby. I looked ahead to see Cirno and her friends walking along the lakeside.

"N-no… that sounds horrible!" Daiyousei's hand were to her chin, her eyes wide.

"Would he be tasty?" Rumia asked, smiling widely.

"What do you think!?" Wriggle snapped back, jittering in apparent fear.

"But don't worry, guys! Dey say if you reach the shrine or the manor gate, his power ends!" Cirno elaborates, swinging a flat hand as if to emphasize the severing of a bond.

"That's a relief…" Daiyousei wipes her head.

"T-that's not very many places!" Wriggle was still panicking. "W-what if he's stronger than the shrine maiden!?"

I walk up to them. "Yo ho ho! Whatcha talkin' about?"

Rumia turns to me. "Oh, hello action friend! Are there more things to kill?"

I shake my head. "Not for now, friend, but I will call on your help when I need it most!"

Rumia smiles. "Yay!"

Cirno looks at me. "Hey! Yer strong, have you ever fought the Headless Horseman?"

I remember them in Terraria, atleast. Ten thousand HP and freakin' insano fast… I think alot of things in Gensokyo'd not like one of those. That, and they were freakin' aggro all the time. I don't think that wins many compliments at flower viewing parties, going around lopping people's heads off and all.

"Nah, but I heard of him... an' my dad knows 'em! He's a fookin' stupid!" I provide.

"How'd you survive?" Cirno looks at me in awe, as if I said I did infact meet him and combat him.

I put my hands up. "I just said I heard of him, yo. I've never fought him!"

"Aawww…" Cirno slouches. "Dey say he goes jogging across the lake, holding his head in his hand! He'll cut off anyone's head to try it on!"

Daiyousei and Wriggle were intimidated again.

"Eye saw him, too! Eye saw him just a night ago!" That so, huh?

"Let me guess, did you make for the Hakurei shrine and his power ended?" I smirked. I knew how that song went!

"Nope. Eye shot danmaku at him, and he lopped my head clean off. It hurt!" Cirno smiled.

Ah. "Sounds like you had fun."

"He's really strong! Stronger than you, I bet!" Cirno put her hands to her hips. "But Eye'm stronger!"

"He literally beheaded you." I deadpanned.

"But Eye can get better! Eye bet he can't!" Cirno smirked. "If Eye throw myself at him until the end of time, Eye have to win eventually! The law of… proh-bah-...billy? Probabilly says so!" Cirno posed cockily.

"It's 'probability'..." Daiyousei muttered, correcting Cirno.

"Probabilly!" Cirno didn't bat an eye.

"Fine…" Daiyousei sighed.

"I know Cirno, you're probably a hillbilly. You don't need to tell us, we already know…" I state it plainly and bluntly as if I was stating a commonly known fact, but I was struggling to not laugh.

"...Yeah! What he said!" Cirno smiled. "What's a hilly billy?"

I couldn't take it anymore! I burst out laughing.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

I came to the gate of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, the sun beginning to set. Wow, I literally did like nothing for the entire second half of my day except for hear some silly story from that ice fairy…

I'm pretty sure the Headless Horseman, a melee only entity, wouldn't live very long in Gensokyo.

I reached the gate, but Meiling wasn't there; she was sleeping on the inside of the gate instead, apparently. A piece of paper was hung up on the wall instead.

"Gatekeeper relocated to safer post for the night. Please bang on the gate for service. - Sakuya."

The fluffle's stand was still there. I approached it, but the fluffle shook his head.

"i have to go friend, it's not safe for me out here at night anymore" it frowned. These things could frown?

"Wait, what do you mean?" I ask it.

"when the leaves fall, so will you, friend. goodbye!" The fluffle's stand started taking off.

"...What the hell's that supposed to mean!?" I yell at the stand as it takes off.

I bang on the gate, but nobody answers. I pull out Swift Brand, and smash it into the gate, but nothing happens.

"...Well, shieut. Guess I'll go see if I can crash at Kaguya's again or something." It was the night before the day I was supposed to be there, too! Couldn't they just let me in? Yo ho ho...

The sun finally begins to set. Leaves blow past me as a wayward breeze flows by me. I begin spinning the yin-yang flail, and take off into the skies.

I float across the sky, gazing down at the lake. It's a little darker than usual… is it becoming overcast? That's disappointing!... but on the upside, if it rains, then Gensokyo will get some much needed water after that last incident!

Suddenly, I convulse in pain as a danmaku bullet strikes me from parts unknown. "Aauugh, holy shit!"

I look around wildly, and then I swing on the rope to the side briefly. A jack-o-lantern bullet soars past me, and starts to turn. I rebound from the swing, and another jack-o-lantern bullet soars into the spinning part of the flail, getting destroyed.

"Halloween wants me dead! Holy shit! The fuck'd I do to Halloween!?" I yell into the sky.

I look down, and see a shady, fast figure making its way across the lakeside. It dips into the water, and sinks below the waves of the lake before more jack-o-lantern bullets soared from the water. The figure was leaping out of the water, only to fall back in. I don't think it minded the cold, though…

I reached into my sack, and pulled out the operating cross. "Hope I have enough mana for this!"

I summon London, who's at my side. The bullets home onto it and strike it, but London only lightly convulses, not feeling pain.

"London, pursuit mode or whatever!" I pointed the cross to the figure below.

I dodge the rebounding jack-o-lantern bullet, and it ends up in the spinning part like the other one and gets destroyed. London descends to the earth below, face-tanking the few oncoming bullets.

"Holy shit, calm your tits, Halloween! I'll hand out more candy next year, just don't freakin' kill me!"

I passed the Hakurei shrine on my way towards the bamboo forest, and the figure stopped, and turned around, heading for the lake. London neared it, but it whirled around, and with one clean swipe of a bright orange blade, London fell to the floor. The operating cross flickered out.

"Oh, dayum. Sorry, London!" I shout, even though no one will hear me. Was that figure…?

====NEW INCIDENT: THE HEADLESS HORSEMAN'S HORRIBLE HUNTING====

Well, now I'm out at night. Terrible things come out at night, so says everything ever! This is gonna suck!

My arms get tired and I opt to land outside the human village. Hopefully they've got night guards!... actually, why wouldn't they? It'd be kinda stupid if they didn't… but I already knew they were a little more than just 'kinda' stupid...

I land on the path outside. There's no fluffle stand where it usually is, and I don't trust the bamboo forest at 8 PM at night-ish if the light says anything, so I quickly make for the village.

...But not before being sighted by a youkai! It was just some night fairy, though…

"Hey, you! Human!" She flew up to me. She didn't look like anything special.

"Hey, you! Fairy!" I yelled back.

"Don't get wise with me! Let's play!" She begins shooting basic streams of danmaku. I walk out of the way; she's flying so I can't really hit her, even with a double jump… and I spent London earlier on that mysterious shady figure…

I settle with just tap dancing my way to the village, until an arrow flies past me and impales the fairy.

"Aaaugh!" She spirals to the earth, before exploding into magic on impact. Was that really necessary? Well, rest in pieces, I suppose.

"You! Kid! Youkai or human?" A gruff man from ahead calls out to me. In the darkness, I can see they're holding torches and some are bowmen, others swordsmen.

"I was getting assaulted by a fairy! What'd'you think!?" I yelled back.

One of the archers laughed. "He's got a point, Russell."

The gruff man with a sword in the front turned to the archer. "Shut the fuck up, George. You got demoted the other day for letting that youkai in."

"Eheh…" George scratched the back of his head.

"If you ask, I was lost. I was trying to find my lost hoe, and it got away from me so I had to come here to find it." I explained. Yeah, my hoe escaped. It was sentient, or something. I bet these guys'd buy it anyway.

Russell grunted. "We'll find your hoe for you, don't you worry." Case in point.

George looked to me. "Where'd she go, anyway?"

Russell turned around and punched George across the face. "Oh- fuck! Shit!" George walked around, feeling his jaw.

"He was talking about the tool, dumbass! Do you think someone of his age'd have a hoe!?" Russell shouted at George.

"I don't fucking know, Russell! You tell me! What about the captain's son!?" George shouted back.

"What about the fucking captain's son!? Why I oughta…" Russell dropped his sword and George dropped his bow. They neared eachother for fisticuffs, when the captain himself came up on a horse from behind them.

"What was this about my son?" He glared down, expressionless.

George gulped. "We-we were just talking about what a kind, loving boy he was…" George picked up his bow and gave it to Russell.

"Y-yeah, he uh… was a great man, and uhm… a dumb- Ow!" George stomped on his shoe. "I mean… A guy so good that it was almost dumb, yeah!" Russell picked up his sword, and punched George on the shoulder before giving it to him.

"Sounds about right." The captain's horse trotted ahead. "Tonight, we kill that youkai, and it will be upon this night that we declare independency from the Hakurei shrine! No more will she hold a stake in this village, where we ourselves are more than capable of hunting youkai!" he shouted, raising his decorated blade into the air.

"Hoorah!" the other men shouted.

"Hoorah?" I gave a delayed shout, trying not to seem out of place.

We continued forward wordlessly for a few moments, and then the men started talking. I looked to Russell. "Who are we hunting, again?"

"Some youkai on a horse. He went around the other night beheading villagers who were doing some nightly work, even the guards that were with them. We're going around behind the shrine and then going up to the lake, but I'm sure he's just some fairy tale anyway. Anything coulda beheaded the lot, all it'd take is some youkai who's got a thing for it. They wouldn't even need to be powerful!" Russell ranted.

George looked over. "I dunno, Russell. What if he's real? The survivors reported he like, shrugged off everything they threw at him…"

Russell groaned. "George, they shot a single, fucking, arrow. Do you know any youkai who die to a single arrow?"

George winced. "Well, you know, I dunno! Ever since the spellcard rules-"

"Fuck the spellcard rules!" Russell shouted. "When we're successful tonight, for all we care that stupid miko might aswell not exist!"

Ah, I see. Ballsy villagers! I don't think I wanted to be with these guys when they met this supposed horseman…

"Hey, guys, I think I'm just gonna head back to the village… I can find my hoe some other night…" I tell them. I don't think they batted an eye at my camouflage compared to my blue outfit. I wonder why… perhaps because my browns were similar to their browns? I dunno…

"Alright kid, don't get raped by a fairy on your way back." Russell mumbled back in reply.

I started walking in the opposite direction as the group departed from the trail, beginning to go on a path that I could tell would infact head around behind the shrine and to the lake.

I look around cautiously, but I admire the night at the same time. All those stars in the sky… Gensokyo's nights sure are pretty, aren't th-

"Aaaahhhh!" I heard a yell from over here, and I whirled around.

A dark shade was next to the group. I spotted that George guy running, he had dropped his bow and fled the scene. I saw the horse of the captain run off, unattended.

I began sprinting towards the village, on the path. I passed the point where the fluffle would normally be again; it shouldn't be too far from here to the village! It was downhill-ish anyway!

Clip, clop, clip, clop…

I didn't look back, hearing these sounds resound behind me. Was he already done with the group back there!? I reached into my sack, and pulled out a health potion. I wasn't going to drink it, though…

Clip, clop, clip, clop!

I looked behind- holy SHIT

I tossed the potion behind me, but it did nothing. That trick worked on Marisa, though!

Swoosh!

I felt the heat of a bright orange blade skim my shirt. I ducked down and let the horse pass me, and the blade missed me a second time. I pulled out the operating cross- this wasn't the time for worrying about mana!

Filling it with magic, London came back! "Yo, orbital asshole mode! Quickly!" I smashed my hand on the cross's diamond as it turned blue and London orbited me.

The Headless Horseman was charging towards me at full speed. London's danmaku pinged it, but it didn't slow down at all, the red eyes of its horse shining brightly in the night time shade.

It swung at London but came short, not swinging against the rotation. Good on you, lad!

I started dashing- I was nearly at the village walls!

A guard saw me, and double-took.

I waved a hand. "Halp! Friends! I've encountered a mohohonster!" I shouted. I heard swooshing- the operating cross flickered out. Rest in pieces, London! Sorry about getting you beheaded twice in one day!

The substitute guard shot an arrow behind me.

Tink!

I heard it crash against the Horseman's armor, but it didn't do anything.

I dodged to the side that didn't have the Horseman's sword, but he stopped in a dime. I pulled out a random plant hanger- Hydraulic, apparently, and double jumped up onto the Horseman's horse's toosh.

He whirled around trying to find me, but I readied myself to slam the hanger into his head…

...actually he doesn't have a head I kinda forgot that part. Perish the previous strategy, then! I leap off the horse and towards the gate, and run inside, the guard behind me following. The gate shuts quickly as he turns the lever feverishly, a metal grate coming down.

Well… atleast that's over…

The Headless Horseman stood at the gate, it's horse digging at the dirt under it. If he had a head that wasn't a jack-o-lantern in his hands, it'd be glaring at me!

I put my hands to my ears and stuck out my tongue. "Halloween's not for another twenty days at the least, jackass!"

The horseman swung its sword, and the grate fell apart, sliced unevenly in two.

Oh… shit.

I broke into a sprint, along with the guard behind me. I ran towards a building as I heard the grate get smashed behind me, the horseman infiltrating the village.

"No! No, no- Huaaaa-" Swoosh.

He was probably like a day from retirement, too! I almost feel guilty about that one!

The horseman angrily swung his sword, seeing me in an alleyway he couldn't reach. Jack-O-Lantern danmaku homed in on me, and I dashed furiously away, quickly rounding a corner to evade the barrage

"Well, this is quite a predicament…" I pulled out the holy hanger- I don't even know what it did! I need a fluffle to give me an appraisal. I can't believe I just thought that sentence. I put away the holy hanger.

The neighing of the horse was heard. I heard a thud from atop the roofs, and jack-o-lantern danmaku rained down from the roof edges of the adjacent buildings to the alley I was in.

"Jesus fuck!" I yell, before dashing into the building to my left, through the backdoor.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

I was behind the desk of an inn! I leaped over the desk, the man at it glaring at me.

"Where'd you come from? You can't just enter from this time of night, especially from the employee door!"

I look at him. "Well, too bad!"

"Too bad? C'mere kid, I'll show you something that's too bad!"

I dashed out of the inn into an open street, passing a girl in a red coat.

"Hey, you." I grabbed her shoulder. "The british are coming! The british are coming!"

She jerks her head back, eyes wide. "W-what!?"

I push her into the inn as I hear a powerful thud behind me, the Headless Horseman attempting to crush us by leaping off the rooftop.

"The fuck are you doing, kid?" The inn keeper approached me again, cracking his knuckles.

"Honestly, shut up already. I dunno what I'm doing!" I take out my Swift Brand, and clock him across the face. He sprawls to the floor.

"Fuaaagh!" he yells out. "Damn it… kid…" he shouts in a strained voice.

"Not my fault, yo!" Even if it was!

I look to the girl. "You hear that noise outside?" I go quiet.

The neighing of a horse is heard. I look out the door, and it impatiently trots in place.

"...That's probably not good." the red-coated girl says, sighing.

"Nah, that's really good. This is the best case scenario. The good ending is when I get my head lopped off." I reply, grinning.

"Oh, is it? Let me get it, then." She walks towards the door.

"Uhm, are you-" I begin, but she walks out of the door before I finish.

Swish!

Her head toppled to the floor, her body slowly collapsing to the floor. Interestingly, there was no blood, though.

The horseman's horse raises onto its hind legs, neighing loudly, before landing back on all fours and running towards the village square.

I look outside, wordlessly staring at the girl's body and head.

I smile nervously. "...If this is what the whole village is like… jesus fuck, we are dead men!" I shudder.

Her body gets up, and she picks up her head, promptly placing it back upon her head.

"That was unique." she provides, entering the inn again.

I raise a brow. "I see you got better." I reached behind the inn's counter and put my hand underneath, randomly feeling around. I tipped over multiple bottles of what I assumed were alcohols and wines, before grasping an empty wine glass.

"Have a welcome-back present." I gave her the empty wine glass, and I heard the last of the bottles I tipped smash into the floor. The innkeeper could always buy more…

"God, fuck! Kid!...you...aaagh!" The innkeeper was still writhing in pain on the floor. I hit him in the face, not the back! Why was he having back pain!?

I scowl at him. "Don't be such a baby! Wine bottles grow back!..." I turn to the red-coated girl and hand her the wine-glass. "...no they don't." I whispered to her.

She stared at it, and took it. "Thank you." She proceeded to walk over to the counter, and tossed it behind it, breaking it aswell.

"We should probably get out of here before that guy gets better." I point to the writhing innkeeper.

"We should." the girl in red replies. We escape out the back door, into the alley.

The moon hung high in the sky, the overcast clearing. It wasn't full, though- just a crescent.

I looked to her. "You have a place we could crash or what?"

She nodded. "Yeah. It's not too far from here actually."

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

We sit in the humble little abode, the wind blowing outside and causing the wood to creak.

"I'm going to bed, getting my head lopped off was a tiring experience and all." she stated.

"What's yer name, anyway?" I ask.

"Sekibanki." She enters her room and closes the door. I think I read some fanfiction about her once!

I was left to some wooden tables… guess I'll be taking the floor as usual.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

I awaken to a stiff back! Oh no!

"...I gotta stop waking up like this…" I clamber to my feet, and look around. I open the door to Sekibanki's room, but there's no one there.

I decide to just leave the place, and walk outside. Villagers were scrambling about feverishly and panickedly.

I saw Keine, and she turned to me. "What did you do!?"

I rose my hands. "What!? Who!?"

She ran up to me, lifted me, and slammed me into the wall of the house I just emerged from.

"I know it was you the other night! Twenty villagers! Twenty villagers! You fucking psychopath!" Keine raises a fist, and I jerk my head to the side, the fist colliding with the wall behind me. Keine wasn't deterred however, and continued trying until I rose my arms to fight off the strikes.

"Why do you think it was me!?" I shouted back, fending off her fist.

"Why the hell else would you be here from some random building? You obviously infiltrated the village last night and went on a killing spree!"

I sigh, struggling to hold her fist in place. "Let me guess, headless asshole going around head hunting? Yeah, I was running from him, too."

"Headless…?" Keine drops me to the floor. "Explain. Now. He just so happens to sound like a youkai from the other day."

I stand up. "The Headless Horseman, terror around Halloween and superstition told to scare kids. Apparently real here, though."

She raises a brow. "Halloween?"

I shrug. "Ask someone else, they could explain it better."

I'm held up by the collar again. "No, you're explaining it."

"Eheh… I guess I'll try…" I hated summarizing these things!

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

"...That's a complete lie, and we both know it." Keine says, glaring at me.

"Then you can go give me a super-F or something, 'cause it's the truth." I tell her.

"Who would openly mock youkai at such a time of year? I know the outside world is different, but not insane." she demands.

"...Look," I raise my hands to do the gesturing things! "The outside world has _nearly zero_ youkai. We see them as works of fiction. It's different here." I say, shaking my hands.

"How would you know… youkai?" She folds her arms and smirks.

"Oh, for fucks sake!" I take out my yin-yang flail. "So long, teach! Hope you find out how far that ruler's stuck up your ass, and then find out _when_ it got stuck there. That'd be one for the history books, wouldn't it?"

Note to self, never visit village again for the next fifty million years. Especially not on full moons.

I spin it up and Keine is both unable to approach and unwilling to use danmaku with so many human bystanders around. "You… you did kill all those people, didn't you?" Keine glares at me.

"Whatever floats your boat! I'm leaving! Goodbye, tata, fock yoo!" I start hovering away…

"You're not getting away from me!" Keine floats up after me, trailing me. This could be a problem!

Since I was fully rested, I think I could summon London, again.

"London! I need your guards with the funny hats!" London appears before me, and I set her to orbital defense mode. She circles me, firing at Keine and forcing her to relent and keep the danmaku from striking the villagers.

I successfully escape the village in this way, probably not all that trusted by the villagers at this point! Not that I care anymore, either! I hover out towards the Hakurei shrine, and I continue all the way towards the gate of the mansion. No more risking myself to the wilds down there, even if it's not night!

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

I touch down outside, and spot Meiling, who's actually awake!

"Ah, there you are. Today-" I cut her off,

"You know of any headless horsemen? 'Cause they suck!"

"Ahah… did you uh… happen to hear of one?" Meiling questioned awkwardly.

"Yeah. Got chased around half the bloody night. Woulda helped if you put a stepladder outside or something."

"Ahhh… sorry about that…" Meiling sheepishly scratched the back of her head. "Regardless, go in, go in!"

"...Alright, then." Meiling was a little more eager than she'd normally be. I wonder…

"Actually, no." I stop before I enter the gate.

"W-what?...Why!?" Meiling waves her arms franticly.

"I dunno. I'm just not feelin' it today… ehhh…" I stand idly between the inside and outside of the gate, looking around indecisively.

I get shoved inside, and the gate slams behind me. "Sorry about this!" She locks the gate from the outside. That solves that question!

"Huh…" I walk towards the mansion; I could use my flail to- nevermind I don't think my arms'd like that by this point…

I wouldn't either way- something seems to require my attention inside!

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: MANSIONVANIA====

I step inside, and the lights are out as the door closes behind me. I walk forward and the candles light up, rotating around the room, and once they're all lit, the chandelier lights up. Fancy!

"I wonder…" I look around…

From a door to my left, out come skeletons with shields and swords!

"Freakin' Skoolatoons!" I yell out, jumping back. I didn't know this mansion had skeleton warriors arising from their graves!

One of the skeletons slowly paced towards me, and swung a highly telegraphed attack. I struck it with Swift Brand, which I was able to draw quite quickly, and shattered it.

"Maybe you should put some meat on them there bones…" I said, the other skeleton approaching me. It swings its sword downward, allowing me to simply sidestep it and kick the skeleton, shattering it.

"Hey, a sword!" I pick it up and uh… a little heavy for my tastes. I'll stick with plant hangers, thank you very much. I drop the sword to the floor.

I pick up the shield, though. "Something to block attacks with! Not like I couldn't tank most of what I could bother defending against, anyway…"

I walk into the leftmost door, leading to the dining room. I just noticed this, but despite the doorway being on the ground floor, the dining room is on the second floor. Mansions are weird!

The dining room is absent of life aside from some fairy maids sitting idly at the table, ones I don't recognize. They float up into the air and shoot red danmaku towards me in straight lines.

"Hey, I know I've been gone for awhile, but that doesn't mean you can just up and kill me off here!" I put my shield to the test!... and it does indeed work well against frontal danma-

Crack!

...Scratch that, it's as brittle as plastic. Guess I don't have a shield anymore! I throw the metal shards up at a fairy maid, but she just shrugs them off due to my tosses sucking.

One floats down for some reason, allowing me to jump up and strike it with Swift Brand. The fairy arched back, and exploded into magical energy. I don't think I hit it hard enough to warrant that…

The others didn't react at all. What gives? Usually they'd get all upset a friend was destroyed! Come to think of it, these ones were all black-haired and their eyes were grey, faces expressionless. This was weird…

I ignored the other fairies; they seemed intent on attack but didn't bother to follow me.

The kitchen is fully lit as I enter it, but nothing's goin on inside. I open the fridge, and take out some chicken nuggets.

"This is the best time for this sort of thing!" I flip open the microwave, and pause. I hear some slow pacing…

I turn around, and a cloaked figure holding an old gardening scythe is seen proceeding towards me. Uhhhmm….

I take out Flame Dispenser. "Why don't you try a gun next time, pops?" I suggest, before channeling flames into the nozzle. I light the cloaked figure on fire, and the cloak burns to ashes shockingly quickly, nothing but the scythe remaining.

I take a kitchen knife, "You gave me the tools for this!" and began sawing away at the old, brittle wood. The scythe's blade came off, and I took out Flame Dispenser, and used the flames to lightly weld the blade onto Darker Than Dark.

"Yeeheehaaah!" I have made Sharper Than Darkness!

I hear pacing…

Standing up, I see another cloaked idiot.

"Look, buddy, if this didn't work the first time…" I held Sharper Than Darkness out; it didn't receive much for boosts 'cause I wasn't really all that hurt right now…

It swung its scythe really fast, but I wasn't really that close to it. I brought Sharper Than Darkness down on where its head should have been, cleaving the cloak in almost-half.

The cloak fell to the floor, and dissipated into smoke.

"I've gots me a feeling this is going to be a trend…" I plop the nuggets into the microwave and set it to high for two minutes.

I don't bother to listen for pacing, I turn around and see another asshat slowly approaching.

"Where the hell's the spawn for you?" I ask, taking out Quake Maker and smashing it, having no risk because I was totally out of range due to the size of the Quake Maker.

Ding!

I open the microwave, and put the nuggets on the counter, and start eating them. These taste pretty- it's another cloaked asshole!

Smash!... you know, they'd actually be intimidatin' if they weren't freakin' useless.

I finish the nuggets and leave the room, heading aimlessly into the hallways.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: MANSIONVANIA====

You know, I don't remember there being like fifty flights of stairs arbitrarily positioned in the hallways, lined with boomerang toting skeletons…

I opted not to climb the huge stairwell, and proceeded aimlessly through the fairy-filled halls. I could just swat the pseudo-fairy-maids out of the sky with my hammer since they couldn't fly that high- ceilings are a bitch, I'd take it.

I walk around until I come around to Remilia's throne room door. Heheey!

I opened it up, to find the vampire herself seated there.

I take out Swift Brand, and point it at Remilia. Cue the thumbnail! Wooohoo! If you were me, you could tell there was a mental fanfare going off in my head right now!

I stand in place, dancing and celebrating to myself, as Remilia stares at me curiously.

"...Boy!" She shouts, getting my attention.

I snap out of my dance crazy. "Who-what, oh yeah, you. Hi, Remilia!" I wave my hand.

"...Hi." Remilia floats up. "Do you know why you've been called back to my manor, boy?"

I scratch my chin. "...because the four day limit ran out?"

Remilia groaned. "No… I've summoned you here to demonstrate your prowess. It has come to my attention that, through the past week you've had in Gensokyo, you seem to have… made a name for yourself, atleast on a small scale."

I shrug. "What's that got to do with much?"

Remilia grins. "I want to test your power, boy. I will be atop the tallest spire this manor has to offer. Only with the right tools might you even find your way up there…"

To the left, behind some pillars were skeletons holding dual swords!

To the right, behind some pillars were fairies holding magus staves!

Remilia gives a good evil laugh. I've got a feeling she's hamming it up, though… "Hah hah hah…! Show me your strength!" Remilia floats up into the air.

I smirk, and pull out Quake Maker.

"I'll have you know, Remilia, that I ain't afraid of no quakes!"

I let the breath of the earth sigh into me, strength filling my muscles once more. I was a little woozy- I did have to summon London earlier, but…

I slammed Quake Maker down, all the combatants tumbling to the floor. Some skeletons were irreversibly broken, but the fairy maids began flying to counteract what I just did.

I spun around, finishing the last of the skeletons off. I picked up the swords, and using my enhanced strength, flung them at the fairy maids. I only successfully managed to hit like, one, after atleast five attempts though.

"Hmmm…" I looked to the chandelier above. Idea!

"Oh, if only they weren't all in the center of the room! That'd suck so hard!" I yell out.

Remilia grins. "Wish granted."

The fairies all congregated in the center, swirling in a tight cylindrical formation.

I looked up, and held Quake Maker like a spear. "How's this for a divine spear, Remilia?" I toss it up at the chandelier…

"Hah! That didn't even come close to-" ...Remilia realized I wasn't aiming for her.

The chandelier fell, crushing the cylinder of fairy maids outright, all of them exploding into magic.

"...Bah. I was expecting you to win that one, anyway…" Remilia tosses a bag of yen to the floor, and flies through an upper doorway.

I go to the bag, and pick it up. Ten thousand yen! Woohoo!... not like there's anything to buy in this mansion, anyway… unless some fluffles sneaked in!

I can't really reach the door Remilia flew into, so I fall back outside her throne room door. I run down the hallway, and I come to a hallway with windows. Looking outside…

====NEW INCIDENT: THE SCARLETVANIA ENDEAVOR====

...I don't think Reimu's going to be very happy about the mist, at any rate. It'd only be a matter of time before some incident resolvers showed up to kick some ass, I took it. Remilia had to be really bored to try this again…

...although this time her halls were filled with spooky scary skoolatoons! Hooohhh shit!

Speaking of, skeletons popped out!

"Holy fuck!" I shouted, flailing wildly with Quake Maker until they all were little bony bits on the floor.

"...fookin' too spooky for me…" I eyed the bits warily, and continued into the halls.

I eventually came to a series of double doors. It's the library!

I go to open the door. Locked. Fuck you, magical spell locks! I've got a Quake Maker!

I look to the fixed wallside, but… naaahhh… I've got a better idea…

I raise Quake Maker. "Feel my wrath, you fucking piece of shit door!"

Holding it like a battering ram, I ram the door.

Bam!...Bam!...Bam!...Boosh!

I race through the door, the magical enchantment overpowered by physical means. Take that, magic!

Skeletons!...they're intimidatin'.

I easily outrange them with Quake Maker, when…

PiZooom…. PiZooom…

I dodge out of the way of some danmaku lasers as magical circles of death and doom and all assortments of bad shit spawn from aside the bookshelves.

"Not the magic circles of pain!" I run down the book aisles, danmaku flying at me enmasse as I set off a shitton of magical traps.

PiZoom-Pizoom-PizPizPizPizoom!

"You there! Pre-oooh holy fuck what have you done!?" Koakuma shouts, and then starts fleeing from the danmaku barrage with me.

"Tell your mistress she's an asshole!" I yell, running from the horde of bullets behind me that were quickly catching up as more circles were erected around us.

Koakuma looks to me, and tries to tackle me. Not cool! I leap and leap again onto her back.

"Wagh!" She grunts, as she floats upward, I double jump again onto the top of some bookshelves.

Koakuma stops and whirls to me, but the danmaku storm catches up to her.

Pi~chun!

Koakuma was left lying on the ground, twitching.

"Brad: one, magi: zero." I quipped, leaping across the tops of bookshelves while I had the opportunity.

I was grazed by a danmaku laser! Where the hell didn't she put these goddam circles!?

"Pain!" I yelled, hitting the deck while grasping my arm. I arose slowly…

"Ah. There you are. I was expecting you to systematically go through my traps like a good game of Minesweeper, but…"

I stood up. "Yeah, well I played it like a good game of Touhou Six… and by that I mean I ran futily from more bullets than I could hope to dodge!"

Patchouli rose a brow. "I'm not even going to question what you mean by that. You say strange things sometimes."

I nod. "Yeah. That I do… that I do."

Patchouli had her tome float infront of her. "I'm going to have to defeat you now. Remi's orders. Sorry."

This could go well, or really shit!

"Say, before you do that, have any mana potions…?" I grin sheepishly.

"...No. None for you, at any rate." Patchouli doesn't bat an eye.

"..." I took off running, and dove back into the bookshelves. I had to find her study- she had to keep something there!

I heard Patchouli mutter her spell in the eerily quiet library, the only other noise the clapping of my running shoes on the floor. "Earth Sign, Rage Trilithon…"

I hear the tumbling of rocks fill the library- the Earth's might has come back to bite me in the ass for calling upon it all the time!

"Jesus fuck!" I yell out, dashing from the rocks tumbling down upon the shelves and behind me. They may have been danmaku, but those impacts… I could feel the vibrations! I think this would fucking hurt! Reimu, your card game's fuckin' lethal!

I weave through the shelves, but it doesn't help much as the rocks rain behind me.

"Running won't help you any…" I hear Patchouli's voice resonate through the library- probably a spell or something…

"At this rate, you'll be buried alive." Patchouli concludes. The rocks did dissipate over time, so it's not like I really would… but she probably meant I'd run out of stamina anyway.

I came across her study- it was bare of things, but it did have the desk…

I flipped it open, and finding some random colored potions, I dumped them all into my sack.

"What are you doing…?" Patchouli questioned, the rocks closing in.

I ran from the desk. Rocks bounced off the desk, but it seemed to be protected by anti-danmaku magic.

I took out the blue potion. "Hope this is mana!" I downed it…

Gulp… Gulp… I stopped drinking to keep running before stopping around a corner.

Gulp… Gulp…

I tossed the bottle, and kept running. Yeah, same crappy taste, this was mana.

Now that I had mana…

I pulled out the operating cross, and summoned London.

"Friend! Assassinate the squishy mage!" I pointed the cross at Patchouli, pressing the diamond, setting it to trailing mode.

London moved to engage Patchouli. As it did so, the rocks began to fall towards London instead of me. I took the opportunity to take out my yin-yang flail…

Patchouli focused on the doll, easily weaving through the spreads it fired. "Toys like this can't compare to my level of expertise, you know…"

I was now starting to hover into the air…

London started getting slammed by a few rocks. One of its arms flew off from an impact.

"Alice made this doll as a field test, not an asset in battle. Quite poor strategy from you, to expect such a weak construct to compare… perhaps I've overestimated you." Patchouli scanned the battlefield below as she dealt the finishing blow to London, who spiraled to the ground and exploded into doll parts.

I really needed Alice to outfit London with armor or something, at this rate. I can't afford to keep casting Revive on her every five seconds!

"...Where have you gone…?" Patchouli scanned the battlefield below, when…

Thud!

All the remaining rocks dissipated as I dropped onto Patchouli's shoulders, receiving an involuntary piggy back. I avoided hitting her with my anythings though, since yaknow, squishy magi…

"Agh! When did you get above me…?"

I shrugged. "I dunno. It just kinda happened I guess." I was bein' a real cheeky bastard!

Patchouli groaned. "Sure you did…"

Suddenly, a wave of magic flung me off. "Metal Sign… Metal Fatigue!"

I fell to the floor below, but the speed of which I fell accented the yin-yang flail's Vortex Hanger's swing detection abilities, so I fell… with style.

I still landed freakin' hard, but I didn't break my legs! Good on me!

I had no time to react as I was forced to get up and run, golden bullets raining down behind me.

"Patchouli is the magi with the golden gun!" I yelled, fleeing behind more bookshelves.

"This may not be as direct as my last attack, but…" Patchouli coughed for a moment. "...but you have no chance to approach me as is. Give up." She hovered overhead, golden bullets spiraling out and expanding- a demonstration of the malleability of gold. You alchemist, you…

Speaking of alchemy! I took out the purple potion.

"I wonder what this could be…" I then looked to a black potion. "Ahah… let's not drink that one just yet…" I stuffed that one into my sack, and then took out a yellow potion. "Hmm. Dunno what that'd do…"

I was still running around, but not nearly as much when faced against the rocks. Her golden spreads weren't aimed, and the spell was more defensive.

Couldn't I cast a fireball…? That's right, I did infact learn a singular fire spell earlier! Like, many days ago! Let's see if I could muster up the ol' magic fingers…

I stood below Patchouli, posing my hand.

"Have you decided upon the terms of surrender? Because we'll be going with mine when this is done." Patchouli said, gazing down at me boredly. "This is a stalemate, for all intents and purposes… and only because I'm going easy on you."

I lob a fireball upward, and Patchouli is struck.

"Ech!" She drops the spellcard- the gold dissipating- as she creates water orbs over herself to drench herself.

I really need a basic projectile. A single bullet, or something. That'd be so great! But nooo, I had to bring like twenty different melee weapons with me!

All I could do is stare as she put herself out, and sneezed. "Uuuu…" Patchouli groaned, looking at her dripping wet arms. "T-this works to my advantage, y-you realize…" She was shivering from the cold. What a moment to not have ice spells!

It was during these battles with someone truly capable of kicking my ass that I realize how few tools I have that would be immensely handy in these situations- it's like I'm playing an RPG where I meet a ton of enemies weak to ice and thunder but only have fire and earth or something.

This was one of those moments!

"W-water sign…Achoo!" Patchouli let out a little sneeze. Water Sign - Achoo, huh?...it's intimidatin'.

"Bless you!" I yelled up.

"T-thanks…" Patchouli coughed, and started again.

"W-water sign… Princess Undine!"

You're water, and I'm Earth!... I forget how that type difference worked in Pokemon! I don't even like Pokemans that much!

Something something I don't stick to you!... water and glue, was it? Earth and… and uh… fuck that shit!

In any case, I ran from some thin beams of ice as sweet christ on a bike that's a tidal wave!

I ran behind some bookshelves, only for the water to quickly catch up. Danmaku fucking water! What if I both literally _and_ figuratively drowned in danmaku? Would that be the embodiment of a world of danmaku induced pain?

In any case, I made my way to Patchouli's study again. That wood desk was the only thing I could hope to use to get up…!

I hopped on it, and tried double jumping… and there was no way I'd get on a bookshelf. I'm screwed!

I climb into the desk, and shut the door. It was cramped! I felt waves lick against the side of it, before it was swept up completely by the danmaku water. A little bit leaked inside, and holy crap that hurt more than it should! Paahahaaain!

I sat in my soggy, pained state for a while, violent tosses flinging me around the library. Eventually the desk stopped. I slowly opened the door…

...I was on a bookshelf! Serves you right, miss 'I'm going to smash you until that desk breaks!'

"...Ah. Physics are a pain, sometimes…" Patchouli sighed. "Regardless, my ice beams will finish you."

Voosh!

I dodged more thin ice beams that came my way. I double jumped to an adjacent bookshelf, and I kept doing that for awhile. Patchouli constantly maintained a good distance from me, so as for nothing to surprise her. She lowered herself to the water's surface.

"I suppose… I'll have to flush you out."

The doors from all levels of floors and areas of the library flung open, and danmaku water flooded in. If I didn't act right now, I'd be in for a literal world of pain!

...But I knew exactly what to do… or atleast along the lines of what to do...

Okay, I didn't have a fucking clue, but I pulled out that one gardening table I used as an anchor for awhile for the yin-yang flail-o-copter when I couldn't control it as well as I could.

I pulled out my Flame Dispenser, and put it on the back. I took Quake Maker, and put it perpendicular to Flame Dispenser, which had its nozzle facing away from the center of the table. I took Swift Brand and put it at the back, its air device facing away. I took the yin-yang flail out, grabbed the panty rope, and loosely used it to secure the hangers onto the table.

"...This is my greatest creation yet…" I shed a single tear as my eyes ran across the almighty transportation device. "When this is over, I'm getting one of these made!"

I hop out, and take a picture with my 3DS.

"What are you doing…?" Patchouli squinted, staring at me.

"Getting daft with you, laddy, that's how it were!" I replied.

"...What?" Patchouli shook her head. "No matter. Good game." The water started to run onto the bookshelf…

I took out Sharper Than Darkness, and channeled all my remaining mana into Quake Maker, and then through that I funneled it all into Swift Brand and Flame Dispenser. I also had the Vortex Hanger aiding me since it was on the yin-yang ball sorta via ropes, and the yin-yang ball itself seemed to have strong momentum properties.

Air and wind, accented by a blast of flames, shot across the bookshelf, and my device flew forward.

"I only purchase propane and propane accessories!" I yelled out, Sharper Than Darkness's flat side held offensively.

Patchouli was still along the surface of the water, her eyes now in her tome, assuming I had failed. "Yes, yes, yes. Go to sleep, already…"

The hiss of my craft sailing across the painful sea became evident. Patchouli slowly lifted her tired gaze…

Boomf.

Instead of striking her, I had a better idea! I grabbed Patchouli bridal-style as I collided with her.

"Hello, friend." I said to her, my hair blowing back behind me as I held her. I took this moment to look around and admire the atmosphere of the flooded library- the glowing water giving a serene yet oppressive feeling… and also pressure! The place was still flooding!

"Oh, yeah." I slapped Patchouli forcefully, causing the water to dissipate. We fell down towards a bookshelf, and my device spiraled off into a nearby bookshelf, the plant hangers all flying off as it crashed.

"Mukyuu~!" Patchouli cried out, caressing her cheek. We landed on the top of the boo- Ooouuuch! My… back…!

"Haahhtatatahhhh that hurts…" I hiss, lying there.

Patchouli sighs. "Uuuuu… I've spent too much mana overcharging that flood… I-it was purposefully engineered to be flashier than normal…"

I suppose I'd be tired if I tried filling this entire huge ass library with fake water, too.

Speaking of which, all the books were fine. Huh. I arose slowly, pushing Patchouli off me, as I looked down at the floor. I picked her up, and leaped down, jumping again before we hit the bottom, and I sat her on the floor.

"Well, have fun recovering on the uh… floor." I said. I had experience with such endeavors!

"Please-" Patchouli began coughing. "-atleast… take me somewhere decent for rest."

I sighed. Always having to do the things! I was the doer of things… I moved to my plant hangers and the flail and the table and stuff and put them all away first, then I went and picked up Patchouli, bridal style.

"Come along, you cuddly magi you. We're tucking you into bed. Why, I'll even read you a bedtime story! How about that?" I tease, cuddling Patchouli as if she was a child.

"C-cease patronizing me this instant, you!" Patchouli glares weakly at me.

"Too bad! I won't stop donating to you on ! I've got too much money, Patchouli- it all works for me, but I don't want it to work for me! Make it stop, Patchouli!" I started yelling.

"Shut up… you lunatic." Patchouli tiredly utters.

We reach the exit to the library, and I take it. Outside, I tried to remember the path to my room… It was like, right left… left right? Shiiieeeut…

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: MANSIONVANIA====

I found it! It was still a freakin' fort infront of a blown-out room!

"...Please, no." Patchouli sadly stared at it.

"Too bad. Welcome to Fort Fuck-you, population: me."

"Charming. I'm sure the vase shards will defend us well against skeletons and fairies with wings."

Good point, actually! "In that case, I'm going to just hide us under some things…"

I took the door portion of the blown-out door, and some of the tables, and stacked them around Patchouli.

"A-are you trying to encase me in a tomb of furniture?" Patchouli irately asked, her voice unable to raise to yelling levels.

"Yeah, but I'm hoppin' in too." I explained.

Patchouli grunted. "But… how? You've nearly entirely sealed me in…"

I lift a table at the top, crawl in carefully not to hurt Patchouli, and seal the top. Nice and snug!

"...Oh, no…" I felt the ragged breath of Patchouli run across my cheek.

"...Look, I know it's a little snug, but-"

Patchouli sighed. "Please kill me."

I shook my head. "Nope! You've come too far to be bested by furniture!"

Patchouli glared at the table above her. "Dammit."

I chuckled. "That's what I say!"

We bickered into the coming hour- I didn't know the time, but I was a little tired aswell after that- and we eventually found rest in the little furniture tomb.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: MANSIONVANIA====

I awaken slowly… and stiffly! Carpets are fluffy, but not that fluffy!

Speaking of fluffy…

An end-table adjacent to Patchouli and I's heads was dragged out. A fluffle gingerly crawled up, and looked at me. It started sniffing me.

"friend" it collapsed against the side of my head.

Patchouli stirred.

"A-aahh… water…" She felt around where where a glass of water would presumably be, instead feeling across my shirt. She began to sit up, and hit her head on the table I stacked atop us.

"Mukyuu~!" She fell back down and grasped her head.

I fumbled for my sack awkwardly… uh…

In any case, I took out my Hydraulic! "Say 'aaahh'!"

I twisted the valve, and held it over Patchouli's mouth.

"What a- pufft- puh- gafh!" Patchouli sputtered, her mouth being flooded with water. I turned the valve again to make it stop, a puddle already under Patchouli's head as her face and upper torso were drenched.

"Uh… feeling better?" I sheepishly grinned.

"Waterlogged and oppressed, yes." Patchouli sighed from the floor, before coughing some more.

"Cold, and wet… and sad…" I made a "that's just how life is" face, which I always only made ironically to be an annoying twat. It's like that one where you got your eyebrows raised and your mouth tilted, but despite the neutral expression _anyone_ could tell you were trying to piss people off.

Patchouli snorted. "Precisely."

"im soft" Freakin' fluffles…

"...When did that little menace make its way in here?" Patchouli scowled at the fluffle.

The fluffle cooed, snuggling up to us.

"That's it yo, I've had enough dust gathering around me for one day!" I start climbing out of the gap the fluffle made in the tomb, and push the displaced end-table away.

I climb up, and brush myself off. As cozy as it was taking a dust-nap aside a hallway, I needed my leg room!

Patchouli looked up to me, feebly trying to climb out herself, but giving way to her fatigue. "Help…"

I dragged her out, and picked her up. "Get up hea', you magical pillow, you." I carried her bridal style, again.

The fluffle walked out. "i have a home, friends. follow me!"

I followed the fluffle, and we came up to a stand in the middle of the hallway.

I sigh. "Even in the depths of a mansion, I can't escape the fluff market…"

Patchouli looks at the stand vainly. "Please don't tell me we're actually considering buying goods from this… thing…"

I nod. "That's exactly what we'll be doing! I dunno 'bout you, but I like living and things!" I put Patchouli down upright, and let her go off to stumble for her balance. I turn to the desk,

"hi fri-" Nope!

"Be quiet, you mush-mouthed freak! Show me the merchandise!" I yelled at it. I've had it up to _here_ with fluffy friks!

The fluffle took out a rainbow-colored plant hanger, neon with the rainbow colors flowing up and down it. I point to it. "How much, uh… does that cost?"

"five hundred thousand yen, it-"

I raise a hand to stop it. "Say no more, because that will be a trial for another day! I am not even going to think about such a capable tool until I can hope to buy it!"

I point to the bomb hanger thing. "Price 'a that?"

"twenty thousand yen, it-"

I flail my arms. "I already know what it does!"

Patchouli finally makes her way to the desk, and stares at the plant hangers. "...I don't care anymore." She folds her arms, scowling at the selection.

The fluffle turns to her. "i've got wares for you, too, friend!"

Patchouli raises a brow. "What could you possibly have that interests me?"

The fluffles takes tomes out from under the desk, and spreads them across said desk.

"magic, friend" The fluffle explains.

"...I doubt these are texts I haven't read before." Patchouli opens a red tome. Her eyes widen.

"T-this feeling… do these tomes grant affinities? Curious…" She puts it down and picks up a purple tome. "...Some of these use variations of magic I don't even dabble in. Who wrote these?"

Raising its fins, the fluffle cheers. "i made them, friend!"

Patchouli stares at it. "...I won't even dignify that with a response."

I suddenly realize… "Hey, this thing!" I take out the Holy Hanger. "How do do do?" I ask.

The fluffle looks to it. "it's a Holy Hanger; especially effective against youkai and the undead! it also can be magically charged to light up, the light it produces particularly blinding and even stunning to many forms of youkai and undead, but as with most holy spells, it's costly"

Huh. I wonder what it means by costly...

I look to her. "You got any cash for the uh, bomb hanger? I could use explosions in my life!" The big kaboom, yo!

She looks at me. "...I do have atleast thirty three thousand on me, but…"

I take the barrel extension and the mechanized hanger. "I'll take it all!"

"twenty two thousand, friend" The fluffle sticks out a fin.

"Help, friend!" I turn to Patchouli.

"...Cheapsk-" I take out my ten-o. "...Still…"

Patchouli supplies the other twelve thousand, and we hand the money to the fluffle.

...The fuck did the fluffles do with it, anyway!? They probably ate it or something, knowing them…

"enjoy your Blast Hanger, friend!" The fluffle handed me the stuff, and then the stand started to take-off…

...Wait, we were inside!...that means…

I lifted Patchouli, as the stand started to crash against the ceiling.

"Thar she blows!" I yell, and we dash away. The stand continues to drill into the roof, before exploding.

"Waaalll!" We hear the wails of the fluffy arms dealer behind us as flames wash out of the hall, though it stopped quite short of us.

"...Those things are going to kill someone one of these days…" Patchouli sighed, and I put her back down.

I smile. "Ah, lighten up. I got this thing, now!" I lift the Blast hanger, and attach the barrel to it.

"Bee-sheventee~n bawmber!" I exclaimed, excitedly looking at the hanger.

"...Bee...seventee-" I cut Patchouli off.

"Bee-sheventee~n bawmber!"

"...I see." Patchouli stares at me questioningly.

"Bee-sheven- Ouch!" Patchouli smacked me on the back of the head with her tome.

She glared at me, before speaking in as commanding of a tone as she could muster, "Enough of that."

We walk forward, and we come to an open, red room with a pentagram in the middle of the floor, black tiles being the main design scheme of the floor.

"Ah… It feels like the temporal fuselage modification device is working to full capacity. I am quite pleased with the result… I've got to run more tests on temporal bending in the future; I've not had much experience with such a field." Patchouli suddenly starts talking about magical theory stuff that I try to pay attention to, but it kinda goes over my head…

"...Alright, well what the fuck's that supposed to mean?" I ask outright, grinning with a brow raised.

Patchouli snorts. "It means Sakuya's going to kick your proverbial ass, for the lack of a better term."

Huh, a time hanger would have been handy, if not a bit broken…

Patchouli stops. "I'm not going to be receiving any knives to my extremities, thank you very much. Have fun, I guess." She floats off in the opposite direction.

...She probably shoulda done that earlier, all things considered! Oh well, atleast I had this shiny new weapon!... I feel like it wouldn't help me fight Sakuya at all though, if I even get a chance to not die as fast.

I back out of the room before anything happens. I know I couldn't defeat Sakuya, period… so I wasn't going to fight Sakuya. Screw fighting the residents, I got lucky with Patchouli! Time to rethink my strategy!

I walked away from the apparent boss room, and backtracked- I should be able to make my way outside the mansion…

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: MANSIONVANIA====

I walked back through one of the entrance halls, only to pass Reimu and Marisa, who were heading for the library.

"Hey, you! What're-" I cut off Reimu.

"I'm busy doing the mad speedrunning strats of my forefathers, leave me be!" I wave my hands. "Also, have a nice day!"

Marisa zooms over to me. "Where'd'you think you're going, ze? You probably had a part in the mist coming back! I know you frequent this place these days…" Marisa suspiciously addressed me.

I rose my hands defensively. "Yo, I had to tangle with a certain under-the-weather mage last night, and the reason I'm goin' back out is 'cause I have zero chance of fighting Sakuya as I am right now."

Marisa stares at me. "So, what, you're… fleeing?"

I grin. "It's called advancing in the opposite direction!"

Marisa guffaws. "A-alright, ze… C'mon Reimu, I have a feeling he won't be of any use to us… wahahah!"

Reimu rolled her eyes. "Calm down, you. It was about time he took some responsibility and left things to us."

I proceeded towards the entrance, a plan formulating in my mind…

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: MANSIONVANIA====

Now on the front lawn, I pulled out the yin-yang flail. "Hope this works!"

Hovering into the air, I was suddenly grounded by a magical force in the air. "...Damn you, invisible force ceilings!" I shouted up at the sky.

I couldn't fly, so instead…

I still had what, three health potions left?... I could make this work!

I took out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, and stood next to the wall.

"Highest spire of the mansion, huh…?" I grinned. I slammed the floor under my fe- Blam!

Holy mother of fucking…!

I flew into the air, my legs vibrating fiercely from the shock of the blast, as I traveled halfway up the way, being flung by the explosion. I swing at the side of the wall, aiming for the top of a window pain below- Blam!

I whirled into the air, nausea setting in as I flew onto the roof's level, but I wasn't actually on the roof yet… so I shot a yellow lemon-shaped danmaku out of the barrel, which was just enough to fling me onto the roof.

I landed on my back. I could feel my legs aching severely, and my everythings were not okay after that landing! Good thing explosions here went by Gensokyo physics and not the insta-gib kind!

I chugged the health potion, having successfully sequence-broken Remilia's path through the halls she likely devised for me, now at the rooftop. Nobody was around the rooftop itself, though…

Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp…

I couldn't wait to barf all this stuff up in like a day or two from now!

Reimu and Marisa would likely end up fighting Sakuya instead, stalling them and giving me enough time to beat Remilia to a pulp! Why was I more confident in my ability to fight Remilia instead of Sakuya, you wonder?

Well, I had Hydraulic here. If I could get close enough to clock her one good one, this should be no problem!

I stare up at the clock tower ahead. Time to end this little escapade, and once again beat Reimu to the punch! Yeeheehaaah!

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

END OF CHAPTER 7

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Hunter, Plant Hanger Master

PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Maker - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes due to an upgrade. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder.

INVENTORY:

Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. I wonder how useful it'd be against Remilia…?

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Dispenser - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Upgraded to have a nozzle with which the weapon can be utilized as a flame thrower with.

Vortex Hanger - A pastel-green and grey plant hanger, comprised of mysterious industrial metals. Is always vaguely windy, and thus floats on flat surfaces like an air-hockey. Boosts wind abilities and spells; can cast minor wind spells via swinging, although for the most part that consists of a slight height boost when jumping which can be repeated, resulting in psuedo-flying. Currently attached to the flail...

Hydraulic- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Mundane, but practical in the eyes of a few. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Due to a dark amulet upgrade, it may be used to cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. When highly charged with buffs, the scythe can even inflict instantaneous death upon certain enemies who are not inherently immune to dark elemental things; although it's general consensus that instant death is ineffective against anyone of any real power, as they'd probably resist the effects.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird.

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Fancy operating cross v.2.0 - Allows control and summoning of a London doll, along with some basic commands.

PARTY:

London, the Doll - Defensive unit, able to hold positions and provide cover-fire. Command is slightly dynamic, sporting defensive and offensive modes. Able to be used for more intricate operations; although seems to be strangely absent if the operating cross is in the hammerspace sack this time…

...my party's rather empty today, isn't it?

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

heyo!

yeah it's that time again friends, time to read my sprawling chunks of fanfiction!

the show's on the road this time with two incidents triggered at once, but brad can only handle one at a time!... and he's kinda trapped in the mansion right now so eenngh

hey look, a repeat of the scarlet mist incident!... i wonder why she really needed reimu and marisa over there, though…

...i say that, but both you and i know that i already know!... or i think i already know, anyway

in any case, fluffy days!

...like the previous ordeal, you're only gonna be seeing this chapter in like two weeks from now, all things considered.

as always, see you all next time!


	8. The Headless Horse-riding Hooligan

(in which we fight the undying)

I entered the main door of the clock tower, finding myself in a large room. The sound of mobile gears filled the room. Ahead of me stood a mirror, a very fancy but somewhat gothic one

Remilia was seated in a corner of the room, filing her nails. Suddenly, she jerked her head to me, eyes widening. "Wait, what? You're not supposed to be here right now! Didn't you meet Sakuya?"

I smirk. "I sequence broke, yo. Too fast, too quick!"

Remilia looked at me incredulously. "I had Patchy set up those force barriers! Did you fly up here, or what?"

"I freakin' clipped out of bounds, yo. Now I gotta make a necklace out of the keys on my keyboard- speedrunner's rules." I explained, not entirely helpfully.

"...By out of bounds, do you mean-" I interjected to correct her, knowing where she was going.

"No, I blast-hopped my way up the side of the mansion. You'll probably see some scorch marks there." I finally explained.

Remilia nodded. "Ah…" ...and then her jaw dropped. "Whaaat!?"

I took out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber. "Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber!"

Remilia furrowed her brows. "...Bee-"

I talked over her, "Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber!"

Remilia tilted her head. "B-bee...sh-shev? Shevente-"

I talked over her again. "Bee-Sheven-"

Finally, Remilia broke the cycle. "Shut up already! That's a stupid name!"

I nod. "And?"

Remilia huffed, before floating up into the air infront of the mirror. "And your little fairy friend has told me of the new skills you've developed in your time away from the manor! That is how I have managed to properly gauge your challenges and tailor them so that they were just barely impossible to complete! Haha-" I interrupted her laughing.

"So about that Sakuya one, then… And the chandelier ordeal… and the hole in the forcefield above the mansion… and the-"

Alot of interrupting was going on! We were rude people! "Shut up! I didn't count on those fluffy pieces of crap infiltrating my walls to sell you their wares!"

I shrug. Alright, I'd give her that one. "Fair enough… so that mirror…" I trailed off, pointing to the mirror behind her.

"Ah, right…" Remilia clapped her hands. "Komi! Lower the cage!"

From above on a chain, a cage holding Ha-chan came down.

"Hello! Has someone been a bad girl, recently~?" I teasingly asked Ha-chan as I watched the cage descend.

"A-aauuu…" Ha-chan blushed in embarrassment. The cage opened, and she fluttered out.

Remilia clapped her hands again. "Alright, this mirror is what I've used to fill the mansion with obedient, albeit rather non-sentient minions for you to combat!"

I look at it. "So how does it work?"

Remilia claps her hands, again. "Komi! Raise the cage, and then get down here!"

We wait patiently for the cage to slowly raise up, Komi's grunts heard as she pulled it. Suddenly, the cage fell back down and embedded itself in the floor, the wood breaking. Komi must have let go of the chain. Whoopsies!

"...You. Fucking. Amateur!" Remilia shouted up. Komi flew down, equally irate.

"How the hell was I supposed to pull that cage back up, little girl? It weighed about fifty pounds!" Komi shouted at Remilia, getting daft with the laddy.

"You're gonna weigh fifty pounds when I'm through with you!" Remilia shouted at her.

Komi laughed. "I'm already like fifty pounds! Don't you know how fairies work, you uneducated swine?"

Remilia's brow twitched. "Komi, when we've finished I'm going to ask Sakuya to force feed you her knives. And you'll fancy it, too!"

Komi rolled her eyes, and flew infront of the mirror. "Can we get this show on the road? You're creeping out the guests, child."

Remilia looked ready to commit fairy genocide, but took a deep breath. "...Fine… stupid git." She flew up to the mirror, and channeled scarlet mist into it. As she did so, a clone of Komi marched from the mirror, identical to all the lifeless pseudo-fairy maids I saw before.

"Low, and behold! This is the might of the Match Mirror!" Remilia bellowed, arms spread and smugness palpable.

The clone of Komi flew up to us, and shot that singular spread as usual. Ha-chan flew up, shot a simple spread at it, and the clone hadn't the slightest intention of dodging the bullets. One struck it, and it arched back, exploding into magical energy.

"...I'm shakin' in my boots, yo." It's a mook machine! The horror!

Remilia grinned. "Oh, but the show's not over yet…!"

The mirror had a brief sheen run across it, and suddenly two more figures appeared from it.

One of them was a man in black camouflage, sporting greyish skin, Danny-Sexbang-esque hair, and the skin across one half of his face was missing, torn off as he exited the mirror. His upper lip was lost aswell, his expressionless, grey-eyed stare unchanging.

The other was a slightly-blue tinted fairy maid, looking relatively similar to Komi's clone, except sporting Ha-chan's features.

"Ooohh- it's a mirror match, baby!" I called out, readying Quake Maker for some up-close brawling action with uh… now what plant hanger's he pulling out?

He drew a folded up mechanical device, which smoothly unfolded into what looked like a plant-hanger esque sniper rifle.

"I don't remember being able to do that…" I stare in contemplation. The rifle takes aim for Komi, who freezes.

BLAM...blam...blam...

The loud blam of a sniper shot literally echoes across the clock tower.

Pi~chun!

Komi was no more, now a rain of score boxes.

That was one Super Snipe if I ever saw one!

"Let us see if you've the skills and wit to beat yourself!" Remilia smirks wily down at us, floating above the mirror.

Ha-chan's clone floats similar to Komi's, and fires simple red spreads that were otherwise identical to Ha-chan's, and not much harder to dodge.

My clone's Super Snipe slowly turned towards me, the red line sight gradually making its way for me. I ran towards him, and empowering myself with the strength of the Earth, I slammed the Quake Maker into him.

"Eaugh!" I heard the clone shout, black blood leaking from his mouth as he flew. He landed flawlessly, and folded Super Snipe back up, and pulled out a new plant hanger.

This one was yellowish, with electricity visibly running up and down the metal of it, and up his arm.

"You're lookin a little, uh…" His skin sizzled as the electricity of the plant hanger forced his arm to convulse as he tried to keep it held tightly in place.

"...you feelin' okay there, shadow buddy?" I ask him, before ducking as electrical danmaku flew overhead. Why was my clone far more capable than me!?

A minor magical blast was heard, so I suppose Ha-chan won against her dimwitted clone already. She promptly dodged the electrical orbs, which homed in on her for some reason.

I ran towards him, but an oppressive field of electricity kept him defended. I got shocked whenever I got close! I used my free hand to pull out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, and I aimed the barrel at him, concentrating on a minor magical bullet.

I shot a single orb of danmaku at him, and he was too busy flinging more of his slow moving, homing electrical orbs to dodge it. It pinged him and he completely ignored the blow.

"...Well, that accomplished many great things." I stood there, as the orbs once again homed in on Ha-chan, who was flying in simple circles to avoid them.

He pocketed the electrical hammer- I see he had a hammerspace sack too, and pulled out a black potion, and chugged it, the entire thing sliding down his throat in one fluid motion.

Gulp!

"Hraaagghhh…" he moaned, tossing the glass at me. Nasty, yo!

I side stepped it as it shattered behind me. "Yo, my momma always told me not to litter! That's a violation of federal law, lad! Federal law!" I shouted, beginning to run as he started dashing towards me. I stashed the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber and readied Quake Maker as he approached. He stopped short of my swing radius.

"Hey, mate, what're you…" I started to question, even though I knew there'd be no response of any intellect from him, but he lurched back, and then vomitted forth a black, smokey substance. A little splashed on my shirt, burning into it and searing my flesh.

"I-is this tar!? The fuck've you been drinking!?" I shouted, jumping back. That stung like a bitch!

Ha-chan's danmaku all flew into him, but he only staggered slightly. He pulled out Super Snipe, and let it unfold, before taking aim on Ha-chan.

BLAM

Ha-chan was immediately slammed against the far wall, and fell to the floor in one swift motion afterward. How powerful was this rifle!?

I ran up behind him and clocked him a good one over the head with Quake Maker. It should have crushed his skull, how I brought it down vertically over his head, but he fell to the floor, sprinted ahead on all fours, and was quickly back on two feet again, black fluids drooling from his mouth.

He stood, and I saw a red spark shine in his eye. Oh, no…

He pocketed Super Snipe, and pulled out what looked like Darker Than Dark, and a translucent, grey danmaku-ish bat came out from behind him.

I ran over to Ha-chan, and gave her a health potion. Sure, she could revive, but I needed her help right now!

I shoved it into her mouth, her eyes weakly hanging open. I made sure it'd stay before I got up and started running, the clone nearing.

"Heaaugh! Baaouusand!" The clone roared, readying to hit the danmaku bat like a baseball with his version of Darker Than Dark.

"Not cool! That's my limit break, you goo-blooded twat!" I yelled, dashing.

Klank! The bat soared past my head as I briefly bobbed it forward- that was freakin' close!

Klank! The bat rocketed towards me again, but…

Klank! I hit it back with Quake Maker.

Klank!

Klank!

Klank! It rocketed back to the clone…

"Hraaggh!" It struck him in the face as he mis-timed the swing, sending him flying back into the wall behind him.

"Real nice effort, douchebag!" I yelled back.

Ha-chan weakly fluttered up. "I-I'm alright…!" Her strained voice shouted to me, beelining back towards the battle.

He got up, and the spark shone in his eye again. What, you spammin' limit breaks now?

Ey, it's the danmaku bat again!

"Heaaugh! Baaouusand!" the clone repeated. Was he trying to copy my line without proper vocal chords…?

Klank! It soared towards me…

Klank!

Klank!

Klank! "Hraaaugh!"

"Hah! You suck at bat-ball!" I yell out at him, as he clutched his face for a brief moment, before pocketing Darker Than Dark, and pulling out Super Snipe again.

I was getting tired of what was probably an instant-death weapon!

I pull out Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber again- I can snipe too, but with far, far weaker bullets!

BLAM

One of Ha-chan's shoes flew off her foot, cleaved right off by the shot.

"W-waah!" she cried out, sprialling away, thrown off balance by the force of the shot.

Oh, yeah! I pulled out the Holy Hanger, and channeled my mana into it…

ffffWaash!

A bright light shone across the battlefield.

"Aagh!" Remilia shouted out from above.

As the light faded- oh shit!

My clone was racing towards me, completely ignoring the light. Is he not youkai or undead? There's no way this freak was still human!

He swung Super Snipe at me like I would swing a normal plant hanger. I tossed Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber at him-

Kaboom!

He flew back, rolling along the floor, before getting up and aiming at me again. I leaped to the side-

BLAM

-and felt the bullet graze my pants, searing a little bit of the fabric off. He seemed to freeze for a moment when he determined there was a good shot, and the bullet may have traveled fast, but it wasn't nearly as fast as a real gun- you could see the bullet travel, even if it was still really freakin' fast.

Remilia groaned. "Uuugghh… why is your clone so worthless too?"

Super Snipe pointed straight up.

BLAM

Remilia spiralled to the floor after being blasted into the wall.

Thud.

She landed, before getting up, looking angry.

"I-It's a good thing vampires are immune to weak instant-death enchantments like that…" She shuddered, grasping her chest.

I clocked him across the head, again, with my Quake Maker.

He spiraled to the floor, did a roll, and got back up on his two feet, blood oozing from his head like a waterfall.

I turned to Ha-chan, a spark in my eye catching hers. "Ha-chan! Let's do this!"

Ha-chan flew up and picked me up by the waist. Lifting me into the air, I took out Hydraulic, setting the flow to maximum, and we spun across the battlefield, littering it with water.

The fluids from the hanger mixed with the black blood splattered around the room

"P-perfect freeze!" Ha-chan yelled out.

Blue electricity circulated through the water, the water converting to blue plasma for the briefest of moments before dissipating. The clone jittered violently in the waves of electricity, before bursting into flames and falling to the floor.

Remilia was up hanging loosely on a rafter above. "D-don't get water on me, dammit!"

"...Perfect freeze, huh? More like perfect electric chair!... but that was still awesome!" I complimented Ha-chan.

The clone rose to its feet, flames licking its body and burning a sickly green as it mixed with the black blood.

My jaw dropped. "Stay the hell down, already!" My strength buff dissipated, and I didn't really have the mana do bring it up again… I pocketed Quake Maker and took out Swift Brand.

Ha-chan sent orbs at the clone, but they were about as effective as always. The clone staggered towards me, slowly.

"Hrr...aauuugh…" It let out a pained moan, flesh and blood dripping from its burning body.

I ran up to him with Swift Brand, and then he pulled out a simple, cast iron plant hanger and blocked my incoming blow. He brought it back and swung slowly to the right, allowing me to step back, double jump over him, and strike him in the back of the head.

Thunk!

His head bobbed, and he fell to the floor, a black blood puddle forming underneath his unmoving corpse.

"...Remilia, that sucked." I outright stated. "I mean, that was interesting and all, but that guy sucked in comparison to me. All he did was rely on his sheer massive HP and mana pool to try and win a war of attrition, and since he was based off of a human like me, I don't think his HP scaled very well at all."

Remilia floated down, looking nervous. "A-ahh… he was kind of a unique one, indeed…"

I look to her. "Were you expecting him to be as powerful as he was?"

She shook her head. "I was expecting you to both be dueling with cast irons, not tap-dancing around instant-death inducing sniper bullets. You would have died if he hit you, you know? Even so much as a graze across, say, your hand."

I nod slowly. "I… kinda figured… but at the same time I didn't."

Remilia groaned. "I probably should have intervened, but… you seemed to have it under control."

I rolled my eyes. "Right…"

I looked to her. "I have to defeat you next, right?"

Remilia's head shot to me. "Ah, right! I dare you to-" Pulling out Hydraulic…

"-beat me! I will be atop the tower…" Setting Hydraulic to maximum overdrive…

"...and you will need to gather four keys from deep within the manor to-" Thwack!

I slammed her across the face with Hydraulic as she monologued.

"...Sorry?" I sheepishly grinned.

Shivering, Remilia rose from the floor. "Y-you… asshole… Achoo!" She was dripping wet, glaring at me weakly. "G-get me to a b-bed or something… and-and… Sakuya!" Remilia yelled out, but Sakuya didn't answer.

The door behind us swung open, Reimu dragging in an unconscious Sakuya. "Hey, brat! We're here to…"

Reimu's eyes ran across the room. She saw me standing with an deactivated Hydraulic, next to a sickly Remilia. Behind me was a nervously jittering Ha-chan, and behind that was the gooey black corpse of my clone, who was still bleeding buckets, mind you. He might aswell have his own little fishing pond, by the looks of it!

"...God dammit, Brad…" Reimu facepalmed. Did I ever tell her my name? I guess she found out anyway…

Marisa's jaw dropped. "B-but you ran away! Where the hell'd you come from, ze!?"

"Home." I smiled warmly.

"...You're gonna die, for that." Reimu, dropping Sakuya on the floor, walked towards me. She menacingly holding out a gohei, arm fully extended.

"Wohoaah no!" I went to find Super Snipe, only to see all of the weapons and the sack of the clone had vanished, nothing but smokey goo remaining. No instant-death sniper rifle for me…

Reimu caught up, and I whirled around, her march closing in on me. "Faaaaaaa-!"

====INCIDENT COMPLETED: THE SCARLETVANIA ENDEAVOR====

INCIDENT SUMMARY:

Remilia planned out her own incident to gauge the power of her new guest at the manor, and after four days, allowed him in to test his skills. To test whether or not he could do it in time before the normal incident resolving team would be able to get to her, Remilia repeated the scarlet mist endeavor in order to attract them.

Brad fought up until Sakuya Izayoi, in which he retreated to the front entrance of the mansion and blast-jumped to the rooftops. The normal incident resolving team was then held up by Sakuya Izayoi.

Brad proceeded to fight a dark clone of himself, before whacking Remilia over the head with a soggy plant hanger, ending the incident and saving Gensokyo's sunlight or something.

Incident resolved by: Brad _.

Note by Reimu Hakurei: Does this really qualify as an incident?

====INCIDENT COMPLETED: THE SCARLETVANIA ENDEAVOR====

I sat in the Hakurei Shrine, a bandage running across my face, as I read the incident summary.

I shrugged. "Nope. I wouldn't consider it an incident, really…"

Reimu sighed, and turned to Sakuya. "I blame you."

Sakuya sighed. "I apologize on Milady's behalf. Please cease patronizing me."

I sighed… because everyone else was sighing. "You guys like sighing alot…" I sighed again. And then I sighed again.

"Stop sighing." Reimu glared at me.

Marisa sighed. "I dunno, ze…" she sighed again, "It's awfully contagious…" she sighed again.

Reimu sighed. "You two-"

I laughed like a maniac, before dropping my smile instantly and sighing again.

We eventually stopped sighing before we hyperventilated away all the oxygen in Gensokyo, and I had other, more pressing matters to attend to…

"Hey, Reimu, we have another incident on our hands. A real one this time." I slammed my hands down on the kotatsu.

"Do we now?" She raises a brow. Marisa and Sakuya turn to me questioningly.

"Does the Headless Horseman ring any bells?" I look around.

All was silent… until Marisa guffawed. "N-nice one, ze! You had me goin' for a moment there!"

Reimu glared at me. "I thought you were serious for a moment there."

However, Sakuya looked like she knew what I was talkin' about… but she didn't say anything! Fock you, Sakuya!

"I'd best be departing now…" Sakuya stood up, looking passively to Reimu and Marisa… and then glaring fiercely at me. Woohohoaaah!

"I'll have your head lopped off and mounted on a pike." she told me, before vanishing.

I shrugged. "Must be her uh, scarlet mist incident, if you know what I mean…" I had a shit-eating grin.

Marisa laughed her ass off.

"Get the fuck out." Reimu stood up, pointing her gohei at the door.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

I look up at the line-break and smile. Back to good ol "Freakin Gensokyo"!

In any case, I'm sure Reimu'd believe me if I brought back the horseman's blade! Just wait and see!...

...alright time to think: the human village probably wants me dead, Sakuya wants me dead, Reimu probably'd want me dead if I came back within a day, and uh…

Ha-chan hovered up next to me as I walked down the last few stone steps, getting on the path between the shrine and the human village.

"So… how were things while I was gone?" Ha-chan asked.

"Well, I nearly got my head lopped off like six times by the Headless Horseman of legends." I told her outright.

I heard no response, and turned to face her horrified expression.

"...Don't worry, you! I've got a plan to deal with it!" I assure her.

She looks to me hopefully. "Y-...you do?"

I turn to her. "No, not really." I sighed. I really didn't!

"A-auuu…" Ha-chan started shivering…

We walked down the path, and I decided upon a few plans: either we make it run through Yuuka's s- actually of anywhere it'd probably count the sunflower field as one of the few places it can't cross… which I guess is actually true since a more terrifying monster lurks within!

That horseman may have been bold and brash, but he wasn't fookin' stoopid!

Alright, plan B: get the immortals together and we'll hold a massive stupid revive-a-palooza until the horseman stops beheading our immortal meatshields.

I ran my plan over with Ha-chan.

"A-are you sure that, uhm…" Ha-chan questioned, unsure.

"...Nope. Not in the slightest. I'm just hoping we can throw enough people at it until it stops moving…" Eheheh…

Ha-chan blanched. "W-we're going to die…!"

I hugged her. "Don't worry, friend. Only two of us will be dying, preferably. And maybe London. And you, if you're not careful. And maybe me. Okay, we might get totally wiped, but about four-fifths of us can get better!"

I think I scared her more, because she was little more than a stuttering mess after that…

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

On the way to the bamboo forest, we spotted Cirno and the gang! The sun overhead was in the latter half of the sky- we had to get moving!

"Yo, cowabunga fairy dudes! What's up!?" I wave a hand.

Cirno turns to me. "...Wadda you, stupid?"

I laugh. "Hahah, you are- anyway, we need your help! Headless Horseman needs a head! He goes clippity clop, and won't stop the clock till he gets the cock!" I explain.

"Say what?" Cirno furrowed her brows, unable to comprehend the string of words, but Daiyousei's jaw dropped at my exclamation.

"We gotta beat the shit outta a headless sack a crap, that's what! Come along, Cirno, and pack your fists and feet and assorted appendages, 'cause we're going on a cross-Gensokyo trip to kick some headless ass!... not that it'd be any different from regular ass!"

That makes me wonder how Sekibanki's a- now's not that time for those thoughts!

"Ya~y! Eye'm the strongest!" Cirno cheers, flying up to Ha-chan.

"Um… hello!" Ha-chan greets Cirno, waving a hand.

"Hi! My name's Cirno! What's yours?" Cirno starts socializing with Ha-chan.

Daiyousei waved a hand. "Be careful, you guys…"

I wave my hand dismissively. "As careful as we're ever gonna get anyway!" ...and that's not very careful, but I didn't wanna tell her that!

I start towards the Lost Bamboo of the Forest… I think… We moved towards the place with alot of bamboo!

We reach the outer edge, and I spin up my yin-yang flail-o-copter. "Follow me, friends!"

Cirno stares at me as I fly up. "That's a fancy looking rope!"

I chuckle. "It's made of a very rare and precious material!"

Ha-chan blushes. "Ahah…"

And so, we made our way towards the clinic hospital mansion of the lost bamboo or the likes… it was one of the above!

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

Smash!

I climbed in through the window. "Hello, world!"

Kaguya and Mokou look to me, both of them on 3DSes.

"Who… oh, that guy. How'd you get up here on your own, anyway?" Mokou asked, looking up from the 3DS.

"Very carefully." I supply, grinning.

"Fuck you." Mokou gets straight to the point!

Kaguya looks at me impatiently, albeit a tad amused for frustrating Mokou. "Are there any issues that require my urgent assistance?"

I nod. "You ever play Terraria?"

Kaguya's eyes widened. "Yeah, I- I mean no! That game sucks!" ...You sound conflicted, Kaguya!

I looked at her skeptically. "...Alright, then! You know the Headless Horseman of legends?"

Kaguya squints at me. "Do you mean…"

I look to Mokou. "You wanna help beat the shit of a rampaging youkai horseman with a fetish for beheading human and youkai alike in the dead of night?"

Mokou stands, and grins. "Well, when you put it that way, it sounds like fun! Count me in!"

Kaguya stands a moment after Mokou does. "I'm going too! We're going to beat it the fuck up!"

I leap onto the window sill. "This way, my comrades! We also have other friends to aid us in our quest to vanquish the mighty warrior!"

I slid down the roof side, holding onto my flail. The wall I hit earlier had to be coming apart a little by now…

In any case, Ha-chan caught me as I slid off the spot where the gutter used to be once upon a time, saving me from breaking my legs.

"Ahh…" I stretch. The sun was dangerously close to setting, and I still needed potions…! I only had a single health potion left, which I don't think is enough to beat up a headless horseman with!

Cirno stared at the two immortals as they followed me out the window.

"Greetings comrades! There is no need to fear, for you are in the pre… presents of the strongest!" Cirno proudly declares.

Mokou's gaze shifts to me. "...Why's this popsicle stick here?"

I shrug. "Here's the dealio: the Headless Horseman… really likes takin' heads as it turns out. He's pretty good at it too!... so I'm assembling as many people as possible who can recover from being beheaded!"

She nods. "So… cannon fodder?"

I nod. "Basically, yes."

Kaguya laughs. "Clearly, Mokou, you would be quite befitting for the role of cannon fodder~!" Kaguya let out a haughty laugh.

"Hey, fellas, don't behead eachother when there's things out there that'd gladly do it for free!" I yell back to them before they go to town on one another.

They glare at eachother before settling on mumbling stern words beneath their breath.

We proceed into the bamboo woods- I can't be bothered to fly anymore, so… "Hey, Mokou! Help, friend!"

Mokou grunts. "Fine, fine…"

We continue until we reach the edge of the woods, the sun beginning to set.

I get a little nervous… "I could use potions, friends…"

We saw the fluffle's stand take off into the night sky in the distance, darkness being cast across Gensokyo as night came to fruition and the stars started illuminating the sky.

"I don't think we've got time to stop and shop…" Mokou says, even though our travel proceeds unhitched.

We reach the village in the early evening, and a guard spots us. Hey, it's George!

"Huh- oh, you!" George sees me. "How'd you live, dude!?" He runs up to me, hand extended. I shake his hand.

"Very carefully, I assure you!" I tell him.

"Dude, the captain's dead, Russell's dead, holy fucking shit! Everyone's dead! The village is hysterical! Dude, you've gotta help me or something!...Fuuuck…!" George puts his hands to his head, extremely anxious.

Mokou looks at him sternly. "How's Keine doing?"

He stops, looking at Mokou, then realizes what my party consists of. "W-who are all of you!? What is this!? Aahhhh-aaaahhhh!" He starts yelling, arms extended.

I slap him. "George, get ahold of yourself! We're here to save the day, I think!"

George stops hyperventilating, and stares at me. "A-alright… So…"

He turns to Mokou. "M-miss Mokou, umm… Keine is _pissed_. She's running around tonight, on patrol for some guy in a foresty-colored shirt, she says… although that could be alotta villagers so I dunno..."

Fah fack's sake, Keine…

"Anyway, we need potions. Is the old man's shop open?" I ask.

"Old man Kirisame? He uh… he runs the shop on that one old street, and yeah, I think… Why? Are you actually, uh…" George nervously looks at me.

I nod. "Yep. By the end of tonight, there's gonna be one headless horseman who'll never trot Genoskyo's fields again!... I hope. That, or five beheaded people lying in a lake of blood. Whichever comes first!" I provide.

George opens the gate for us, eyebrows raised at my recent proclamation, and we walk in.

The village was deathly silent. Keine was in the distance, at the village square, and I knew she saw my poofy-ass hair the instant I walked in. She instantly began dashing towards us…

"Mokou, Kaguya, I need a defensive something or another!" I call out. Mokou is quick to act, jumping infront of me.

"Keine! The hell're you-" Boosh! Keine crashed into Mokou, who struggles to hold her back.

"Let me go! This man is deceiving you! He'll collect your heads! God damn it!" Keine yells, trying desperately to break out of Mokou's grasp as Kaguya moves in to restrain her.

"Holy shit! Keine, calm the fuck down!" Mokou yelled at her friend.

"Keine, just cool it. Once we take care of the headless bozo, we'll prove to you that there's a headless bozo." I attempt to reason…

"Fuck you!" ...I'm good at negotiations, if you couldn't tell already.

I turn to Cirno. "Hey, Cirno? Cool her off for a moment."

Cirno salutes. "Aye-aye!" She proceeds to lightly blow cold wind on Keine like cool air conditioning.

"Hraaagh!" Keine roars, struggling with a newfound vigor to break free, but still not succeeding.

"By that I mean freeze her outright, Cirno." I correct.

"Why didn'cha say so?" Cirno's cold intensified, and then-

Kr..Kr..Kra~ck!

The snaps of cold set in, Keine slowing to a halt as chunks of ice formed on her, and she was eventually encased.

"...That can't be good for her…" Mokou looked worried.

"W-will she be okay…?" Ha-chan cautiously looked around the ice block.

I kicked the ice figure to slide it away, only to hurt my toes instead. "Ouch! That works in video games! I swear…!" It stung like a son of a bitch! Why's it always the small stuff!?

The ice block didn't budge- I guess Keine was stuck here.

"Whelp, no use crying over spilt milk. To the shop!" I walk forward, and then enter the Kirisame magic shop. I turn back to my party, "Oh yeah, you guys can wait outside and shove rocks up your arses or something. I'll be just a moment…" I closed the door behind me.

I walked up to the counter, only to find old man Kirisame fast asleep, arms splayed across the countertop and head rested upon it.

I slowly raised Swift Brand… and dropped it on the desk.

Klaang!

"Huh!? Who!? Stop, no!" Old man Kirisame started swatting at the air.

"Gramps, cool it, it's just me, the guy from the other day!" I grab his shoulders, ceasing his flailing.

He pushes my arms from him. "O-oh, right, you. The hell're you doing here at this hour? Get some goddam sleep!"

I shake my head. "Look," … ah, no cash.

"Excuse me…" I walk to the door, and open it up.

Kaguya had her 3DS out, playing against Mokou again while Cirno and Ha-chan watched.

"Ey, Kaguya! Could I have ten thousand yen for the potions?" I yell out.

She throws a bag of money back at me. "Have my wallet! I'm busy!"

I open it up, and take out what looked to be about ten thousand yen. I dunno!

I walked back into the store, old man Kirisame dozing off again.

I laid the yen out. "How many health and mana potions can I get evenly?"

He laid three of each out. "I'm too tired to count, but it looks like about ten thousand… so have like, potions… yeah."

I nod. "Potions good for Brad!" I precariously placed the six potions in my bag, and left the store hastily. That shoulda costed… I dunno how much! Screw it, I had potions! How much was it per potion again? Five hundred, one thousand, two thousand…? I'll just assume it was two thousand. Kaguya had mad stacks anyway, so whatever.

I walked out to my group, Kaguya groaning.

"You only just learned to play the game the other day!" She shouted at Mokou, expression flaring.

"Yeah, well, fuck! Fuuuu-..." Mokou trailed off and looked to me, and Kaguya did too.

"...If you guys are done swearing vigorously at one another, it's time for us to bag a horse, of course!" I hollered, clapping my hands.

"I feel like roasting someone tonight! Let me at 'em!" Mokou looked really fired up… almost literally!

Kaguya laughed haughtily. "A man such as he could never fulfill any of my impossible requests!"

Ha-chan twiddled her thumbs. "A-aahh… I-I'll shoot things at him!" ...Intimidatin'.

Cirno posed, hands on hips. "Eye'm the strongest! Our victory is only natural!" That you are, fairy friend!

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

We walked out the front gate, George staring at us incredulously.

"I-I dunno about you, man… but oh, shit…" George put a hand to his forehead.

I glance at him. "Fuck's sake, George, don't go up and shit yourself! I know the situation's dire, but you can always hide behind that bloody gate of yours if anything remotely menacing dare peek over the hill!"

George shuddered. "I-If you say so…"

I heard Cirno and Ha-chan talking behind me, but I couldn't be bothered to tune into it.

We marched out into the field ahead. I cupped my hands around my mouth, "Hey, you big blimey bastard! Get your knickers out here and we'll put ye' in a real proper jammie, you fockin' scrub!"

Kaguya furrowed her brows. "Was that even british slang anymore?"

I shrug exaggeratedly. "Fuck me if I know!"

Kaguya backs away. "I'd really rather not, even with my hormone levels…"

Huh. Now that I think about it, how did the Hourai Elixir effect- now was not the time to contemplate that! Of all the times, this wasn't the one!

Neeheheeeigh!

Oh, boy. It was the time for the big bumrush battle!

Clippity clop! Clippity clop!

All of us whirled around to the sound of the horse's clip-clops upon the soil nearby, and I finally got a solid close-up of the Headless Horseman.

He rode upon a dark horse with glowing red eyes, body comprised of little other than gloves and dark armor from his… neck-space down to his feet. Where there should have been a neck covered by the cape of the horseman, additional clips pinning it over the collarbone.

Swoosh!

Cirno simply stared in awe at the horseman before her… and her head kept the look of awe as it fell off her shoulders, a potent and tangible neon-blue aura gushing out of her neck, into the night air.

Pi~chun!

The neon-orange broadsword of the horseman hummed like that of an energy blade. Jack-o-lantern danmaku quickly floated in from parts unknown, aswell. I'm pretty sure danmaku wasn't supposed to be used to accent lethal force!

"Holy crap!" Mokou lept back, and ignited her arms.

"Wah! You…" Kaguya floated into the air over the horseman, rainbow danmaku forming around her.

Ha-chan yelped, and flew towards me. I brandished Quake Maker, ready for some action! I felt the breath of the Earth surge into me; it's go time, baby!

The Headless Horseman leaped high into the air, barely missing Kaguya with a single deadly swing, and a noticeable vibration shook the nearby area as he landed. Ha-chan steadied me before I fell over from the sheer impact of the landing.

"Ahh- thanks…" I kept my eyes on the horseman, as he rotated towards Mokou.

"Eat shit, and die!" Mokou shot an immense flame blast forward, engulfing the horseman whole. I was forced to shield my eyes and step back from the blaze, the heat itself making me uncomfortable. A safe distance away from the blaze, I look towards it hopefully.

That's it, incident over! We can all go ho- yeah you know it's not gonna be that easy by this point…

Mokou grinned at the inferno before her. "Hah! Some youkai you-"

Shwing…!

Behind Mokou stood the Headless Horseman, his armor searing red. Though his horse was ablaze, it still moved with calm fury.

Mokou's torso slid, her face shocked… and then she fell in half, split by the stomach, before her eyes fluttered shut.

"H-hoohhh-holy shit…" I make a strained exclamation, backing away from the horseman. When the fuck did he learn Zantetsuken!? I don't think horsemen should be able to know that!

Ha-chan's eyes widen. "N...no…No!"

Kaguya scowls incredulously. "What!? Come the fuck on, Mokou! Is that the best you've got!?"

The horseman turns to Kaguya, before breaking into a run and leaping again. Kaguya once again narrowly spiraled out of the way of a very precarious slash aimed at her neck.

"Come get me, you worthless knight! A knight is worth nothing when a princess declares them so!" Kaguya floats higher into the air, magic whirling around her.

"Divine Treasure! Salamander Shield!"

A barrier of fire surrounded her, protecting her from anymore jabs from the horseman… or so she thought. The horseman leapt up into the wall of fire danmaku, and was trapped the air momentarily, juggled by the danmaku bullets.

"Hah! Reaching me is just as impossible as one of my own impossible requests now!" Kaguya gloated, laughing haughtily in the air above the horseman.

Suddenly, the horseman leapt from the damaging wall of pain and towards Kaguya, embodied with a red aura; he didn't manage to behead her, but he cleaved into her side quite powerfully.

"Guuugh-huuhh!" Kaguya spat out a trickle of blood upon impact, before her spellcard broke and she whirled away weakly, her flank bleeding. "D-damn your revenge value… I-I didn't think real, living beings had those…!"

Well, this wasn't good! Kaguya was probably dying soon, Cirno was dead and gone, Mokou was literally cleaved atwain, and Ha-chan's literally not going to do anything to this guy. Maybe I should uh…

"Hey, uh…" I turn to Ha-chan, raising a finger.

"W-what…?" She turns to me, shivering, tears threatening to break from the corners of her eyes.

"Let's get outta Dodge…" I instruct her, tugging on her arm.

"...What?" Ha-chan tilts her head.

I whirl around and grab her by the shoulders. "Let's freakin' book it, sister!" I awkwardly position myself in her arms for her, and then she gets the memo.

"A-ah, right!" She starts flying back and away, towards the Hakurei shrine, her arms interlocked with mine. She was probably anticipating getting Reimu to help us, all things considered.

I raise my hand to shout at Kaguya. "Hey, Kaguya! We're falling back, cause this isn't goin' so well! Meet you at the Hakurei Shrine if you're not dead already!"

Kaguya stuck up a middle finger from twenty feet away, illuminated by the danmaku orbs she summoned. "Alright, you pony loving bastard, time to send you back to the depths of- Gaaugh!"

Kaguya spiraled to the floor, a drove of jack-o-lanterns striking her from behind. As she rose from the floor, the horseman came dashing in, and in one horizontal swipe, Kaguya's head flipped off the neck, blood raining down nearby. Locks of her hair also came off, caught in the trajectory of the slice.

I pulled out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, and started firing lemon bullets backwards, the horseman dashing through them all like a maniac, face-tanking everything.

Ha-chan panted heavily, trying to fly with me as fast as possible, weaving past trees behind her. I dunno how people in this world had such awesome spatial awareness skills; you kinda needed it to do danmaku and the likes…

The horseman skillfully weaved through the trees aswell. He came close, but I pulled out my Holy Hanger; he's undead, I think! Even if he has no eyes…!

I focus magic into it…

fwwwWaash!

The flash was somehow audible, and the entire night around us lit up. The light faded quickly, being devoured by the night. The horseman stopped, his horse standing up on its hind legs, neighing with irritation.

Ah, the horseman was unable to be affected… but his horse was, infact, undead or youkai!

...but holy shit that mana consumption!

I tore a mana potion out of my sack, and chugged what little I could avoid spilling since Ha-chan was hauling ass to get us out of that situation.

Splish, splash, chug… splish…

Well, that was enough to keep me from blacking out, atleast!

"A-ah… that stuff…" Ha-chan twitches nervously as she holds me. That begs the question of how mana potions affect fairies, which are highly magical beings which I assume have respectable mana pools but no proper way to master them in most cases… A fairy magus would be scary!

The horseman was gaining really freakin' fast again, but now we were floating up the hillside of the Hakurei shrine. That didn't stop him, though. You freakin' lied, Cirno!

I pulled out Hydraulic. "Beheaded now, bitch!?" I yelled, setting Hydraulic's water to max and holding tightly as water rushed out of it and down the hillside.

The horseman gained on us, taking a few trial swipes, before slowing, being forced to focus more on traction rather than kicking our asses.

Ha-chan flew backwards into the open back door of the Hakurei shrine.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

Reimu sat at the kotatsu with Marisa.

"Say, Reimu…" Marisa turned to her friend.

"Hmmm?" Reimu hummed.

Marisa sighed lazily. "Aren't fall nights like these the best, ze? The gentle, tired winds… the coming of winter on its way… it's enough to make me giddy!" Marisa started pumping her arms.

Reimu turned to her friend, smiling. "You might be overthinking things a little… but it is nice."

Suddenly, a man wielding a gushing plant hanger soared by, carried by a fairy maid. That man was me.

"Holy shi~t!" I yelled, soaring through the shrine and out the front door.

The horseman ran through the shrine, Reimu and Marisa sliding out from under the kotatsu, soaking wet, as the horse completely annihilated the kotatsu as it roared through the shrine after me.

Reimu began twitching, soaked in water, staring at the destroyed kotatsu.

Marisa scratched the back of her head nervously. "...Ahah…"

Reimu's twitching intensified.

"...FAAAAAAA-!"

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

I pulled out my yin-yang flail, and began spinning it up. If there was any place that I'd go to not get chased by an angry horseman…

Ha-chan tiredly panted. "I-I can't... go on…"

She let go of me, my hovering maintained as I continued to float away from the steps of the Hakurei shrine.

"Oi!" I shouted, as Ha-chan fell from me, towards the floor. She landed on the steps with a sickening crack, then she tumbled down them.

"...That's gotta fucking hurt!" I exclaim to myself. Poor Ha-chan! I'd leave her a health potion were I not fifty feet in the air right now…

The horseman ignored her, opting to trail after me, bouncing down the steps of the shrine with much haste. Reimu soared out of her shrine.

"-AAAAACK!"

Damn, did she have some lungs!

Bloodbath yin-yang orbs soared towards the horseman. Did he even bleed?

...apparently not! The orbs struck him, knocking him around with much force, but he remained on his horse, still pursuing me. The fuck did I do to him!?

"I'm sorry, horseman, but I do not like My Little Pony~!" I shouted down to the horseman, but I don't think he knew what a My Little Pony was… I don't think I necessarily knew, either! Atleast, I didn't wanna know…

The horseman leaped great bounds, but I was high enough to not have a remote chance of being sliced at. I hovered towards the Scarlet Devil Mansion; if anyone could stop this freakin' maniac, it'd be the walls of that place… or the inhabitants.

I contemplated the sunflower field… but did I really want to meet Yuuka again? I think she's just as bad as an extremely pissed horseman on my ass…

Amulets struck the horseman, and while the horse neighed like it was being put through a paper shredder, it carried on. I could see blood of some sort actively from even this height, but I don't think the orbs influenced that directly. Did he have a resistance to most debuffs, or what?

I closed in on the mansion's roof, touching down.

Remilia and Flandre were there, drinking tea together on the rooftops, Sakuya nearby.

"You! What business do you have at this hour?" Sakuya shouts up at me as I hover closer.

"Motherf- Waahh!" I shouted, knives soaring past me.

"Watch your mouth around the little mistress." Sakuya cautioned.

Oh, right. Swear filter mode, go! "Mothertruckin' horseman's out for my head!"

Remilia rose a brow. "...And? Surely you can hold your own against some human horseman. Just throw that bomb hanger of yours at them, or something… or use your flail."

I touched down, spinning my flail to a halt. "This isn't just any horseman, it's _the_ Headless Horseman. I've been getting my ass~phalt tailed for two nights now!" I almost swore, but I didn't! Take that, maid!

Sakuya had a knife to my back, but sighed, retracting it. Hah!

Flandre smiled. "I heard about that story! He was really mean, but it was cool!"

Remilia smirked at me. "Are you saying you met this supposed horseman? Meiling was complaining the other night about something funny outside, so we stationed her inside the gate. I don't know about her, sometimes…"

Juggled by yin-yang orbs, the horseman bounced off a very unluckily positioned orb that soared under him, landing on the roof of the Scarlet Devil Mansion.

He turned around, facing me.

"God dammit, Reimu!" I shouted, but luckily another orb blind-sided the horseman, staggering him. He had to have eaten like a hundred orbs to the face by now…

"Wooow!" Flandre stood up, mouth ajar at the horseman of legends.

"Huh… well I'll be damned, he does exist." Remilia curiously swirls her teacup, and takes a sip.

Sakuya, however… was anything but surprised; she had to have known this thing's existence beforehand! Why didn't she tell anyone, either?

...and Remilia just swore, too! You're a bad role model! Bad! Baa-

Swoosh! Swoosh!

A bloodbath yin-yang orb is cleaved in two by one of the slashes. Why's this guy carrying what seems to be an energy broadsword, anyway?... I wanted one!

… I probably couldn't lift it, all things considered.

Flandre pulls out Laevateinn, her huge flaming sword of perpetual kaboomies, proceeding to hold it up. "Ahhh… I think my sword's cooler, though…"

The horseman brought its horse up on its hind legs, pivoting.

Neeheheeigh!

The horseman brought it down, and dashed towards the table Remilia and Flandre were seated at. Sakuya's eyes widened.

Klang-Blam!

The horseman staggered back, a huge explosion erupting. He had made a go for Flandre's neck, apparently offended she didn't like his sword, but she parried with Laevateinn.

The little metal table they were seated at was destroyed, and Remilia flew out of the blast slightly disheveled.

"Warn me, next time…" Remilia groaned, more agitated than actually harmed.

The horseman was on the defensive as Flandre swung at him with incredible speed.

Kla-Boom! Klang...Boom! Kl-Boom!

The horseman's armor was searing red in places, the heat starting to show akin to when Mokou had tried burning it. Yin-yang orbs flew away uselessly, repelled by the blasts, as an angry Reimu darted around the exchange like an extremely disgruntled wasp… if wasps could send giant homing balls of bloody murder at you.

That reminds me of those days in school when we talked about pots and pans, and how if you dropped them in cold water when they were that hot, they'd… crack… and break...

…

If Cirno and Mokou were still alive, we probably could have killed the horseman, I now realize. It was entirely do-able with my party, but we sucked at strategizing. Well, shieeuut!

Kla-Boom! Bam! Klang! Klan-Bam!

Flandre eventually pushed the horseman to the edge of the rooftop, and with one final slash to his guarding stance…

Kla-Kla-Kla-Kla-Kla-Klaaaang…! Blam!

After a failed attempt at a Zantetsuken resulting in the horseman being left airborne, a blast send him soaring off the rooftop. Having lost too much ground to hope fighting Flandre would turn out well anymore, he landed on his horse upright, and dashed off. Breaking open the front gate to the manor, he dashed into the night.

Alright, now that I had a plan…

Reimu groaned. "The next time I see that youkai, he's gonna be a fine red mist, mark my goddam words!" Reimu yelled into the night, soaring off after it.

Mmm…

…

Well, I couldn't go anywhere this late… I hope Kaguya wasn't too mad that I had to bail. I don't think Mokou will be, considering no one was expecting the horseman to know freakin' samurai skills.

...and Cirno would tag along just to see the horseman again, I was sure. All we need is for Cirno to not let herself get beheaded, and for Ha-chan or someone else sacrifice themselves. If only we had a tank, or someone who could hold their own against uh…

I look to Flandre.

"That was fun!" Flandre giggled, swinging her sword at the air. On second thought, I don't think most of the mansion goers would want me to include Flandre, nor does she seem to get out much in this iteration of Gensokyo… and I kinda wanted to do this without a clearly overpowered being fucking the horseman's day up.

Blam! Kaboom! Blam!

Explosions were emitted from the blade as she swung it around, but she was perfectly fine being next to the ground-zero of the blasts, as it were. I had to wonder what a vampire's body is made of to be able to endure that kind of damage without bruising… could flesh really get that strong?

"Flandre! You'll scorch the roof!" Remilia called out from aside Sakuya.

"Aaaww… okay…" Flandre put her flaming hell sword back in her pocket. Either she had hammerspace pockets, or all it really was was a hilt and she was magically powering it up or something…

I walk up to Remilia. "I've just got the best plan with which to vanquish that horseman with!"

She grins wily at me. "Oh, you do, do you? Do tell… I'm interested to see if you can actually kill a being like that."

I pull that one garden table out, and stand at it.

"...So that's where that one went…" Remilia nodded, noticing the table.

I put my hands down on it. "Okay, since I noticed its armor searing… I'm going to have Cirno freeze it once that phoenix chick lights it up real good!"

Remilia blinks. "...That's your whole plan?"

I nod. "And Kaguya will be the distraction!"

Nodding slowly, Remilia transitions to shaking her head slowly. "Okay… what makes you think that thing is weak to elements?"

I grin. "It's not the elemental damage I'm thinking about persay, it's the fact his armor seems to be a relatively plain metal susceptible to physics and things."

Remilia nods her head. "And that means?"

Patchouli floated out onto the rooftop, holding a book, and wordlessly floated next to the table.

"It means that if we heat it up really hot, then we make it really cold, his armor will break!" I explain, grinning wider than before.

"...Aaahh! I get it now!" Remilia realized the concept.

"...I don't even want to know what evoked this discussion." Patchouli provided, not looking up from her text.

"High school chemistry class!" I exclaimed, smiling.

Patchouli snorted. "Evidently."

After a few more moments of wordless contemplation, I decided to bring a problem to attention. "Say, uh… I don't have a place to crash, so uh..."

Remilia spoke up, grinning. "You can sleep in 'Fort Fuck-you', as you dubbed it. It should be safe enough, all things considered."

I grinned. "Good ol' Fort Fuck-you…" I needed to put a sign on it that said that or something…

I got up to leave. "I'm just going to wander in random directions until I find my mighty table fort! See you later!" I waved at everyone, and only Remilia bothered waving back. Flandre was too preoccupied with the hilt of her blade, Patchouli's face was in a tome, and Sakuya was just unwilling.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

I crawled into good ol' Fort Fuck-you, sliding the end-table near my head back in. Wordlessly, I stared up at the coffee table above me. I looked to the scarlet wall to my left, and to the table to my right, content with how incredibly cozy this setup was.

Breathing a happy sigh, I turned over onto my side… scratch that, that was uncomfortable as all hell. I laid on my stomach, quite glad the carpet was fluffy and not fuzzy, and let sleep take me with haste.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

 _I was in a dark room, the only light coming from a dimly lit blue tint splayed across the dark, metal, rectangular room. I got up, not bothering to feel around or anything, and walked straight forward into the room ahead, up a forty-five degree angled metal ramp._

" _Ceeeaaase, human…"_

My eyes shot open, and I looked around. I would'ave sat up were I not lying on my stomach… and I was glad for that because there was a coffee table above me and that would'ave hurt.

"Maaaauuuu…"

For whatever reason, Ha-chan was lying atop me. I suppose she got better from getting beat the fuck up by the Hakurei shrine stairs yesterday.

Thankfully, she was about as light as a stack of pillows, being a magical fairy girl and all, so I pushed the end-table ahead out and crawled out with Ha-chan lying atop my back. I could smell her morning breath, which ran across the back of my neck and up towards my face.

...which would have been arousing had it not smelt like freakin' vape pens in the school hallway. I decided to gently let Ha-chan roll off me instead, and I got up, ready for the day as I'd get.

I wandered randomly and managed to find every room except the dining room in my travels, but eventually came to the back of the kitchen.

I walked in, passing the three chucklefucks as they were preparing what I could only describe as pastry homicide.

Komi stared down at a giant, flattened souffle. "...Fuck."

I walked up to it. "What did you guys do?... It was fluffy, but you killed it." I then proceeded to look really upset.

Namori began crying. "W-waaah! It's not my fault! I-it… I-I…"

Koi looked angry. "I-it was a mercy killing! The thing had too much yeast, I tell you! Yeast! Yeeaa-"

Sakuya walked in, and paused, staring at the giant, sad souffle. "...You know what I'm gonna ask you to do next time? Boil a pot of water without fucking deflating _that_ , and then sticking your heads in it all at once so the world ceases to be exposed to your ineptitude at home-making."

...Not very happy, I take it! I pointed fingers to them haphazardly, looking upset. "They killed it! It's dead! Help, no!"

"No, it's not! It's just sleeping!" Komi shouted back at me.

"You three are all gonna be just sleeping when I'm through with you!" Sakuya's tone started rising!

I raised my hand to ask an abrupt topic change. "Say, you have any kool-aid?"

Sakuya didn't even glance to me, still glaring at Komi. "Top shelf on the left wall, rightmost shelf." Sakuya's glare breaks, then she glances at me. "Wait, why?"

I was already holding two canisters of kool-aid, pouring a little powder from each into a cup; some cherry and some grape. Sakuya was beside me.

"You can't. Those are for the little mistress."

I pull out my Hydraulic, turning the valve. Hey, I already had the powder in the glass… "Oh, relax, it's less than a batch so it'll be fine, they put extra in anyways so it's not like it'll ever go noticed…"

Sakuya curiously eyes me after that statement. "And you'd know such a detail how, exactly?"

I took a spoon out of a drawer and began stirring, having added the liquid as she spoke. "Sakuya, little did you know, I was the kool-aid master back in the day! Behold my special blend, the Crimson Kool-aid!"

I held up the cup, and took a drink.

Gulp… Gulp…

…

My eyes shot open wider than before, as my eyes washed over all the details of the kitchen; the tiles, the lighting, the chucklefucks and Sakuya. White cabinets, tan tiles, a single yet bright white bulbed lamp in the center of the room. The fairies were wearing a generic sort of maid dress, with the black design and white trims and all. Sakuya had her traditional blue-ish maid uniform on, so forth… all kinds of details I took for granted before I now saw in a critical and analytical light! Yeeheeehaaaah! Sugar rush, baby!

Gulp… Gulp…

I finished the cup of kool-aid, and began running in place.

"Today is good day! See you later, Sakuya, chucklefuck fairies, by the dawn of the next morn there'll be one more horseman who's never gonna ride again!" I sprinted out of the room, hyper. Sakuya's eyes trailed me as I ran off, a curious expression on her face.

"...Huh."

Sakuya poured some kool-aid powder into a glass herself, and brought it to a sink…

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

I dashed into the dining room, finding the cardboard waffle with syrup on a plate, at presumably my seat, and Patchouli was next to it.

"Wehaha! Wochemata!" I shouted, running up to the plate, lifting it, and carrying it with me as I jumped out the open window to the edge of the dining room.

"...That just kind of happened." Patchouli turned back to her waffles, unsure of how to react.

Remilia rolled her eyes, before resuming work on her pancakes.

Ha-chan was standing outside, making small-talk with the fluffle as she stared at the gate, waiting for me.

I jumped again before I broke my legs, ran up through the open gate, and gave Meiling the cardboard waffles.

"Don't ask, it's high in nutritional value. I ate it every day, and look where it got me!" I justified, and ran up to the fluffle at the stand next to the gate.

"and thats how i learned to snuggle friend" The fluffle finished an apparent story it was telling.

Ha-chan tilted her head. "...That didn't make sense at all."

I grabbed the fluffle and stuffed it into my sack, kidnapping it. "Friend." I said warmly, as the fluffle made fluffy coos from inside the sack.

"Uh…? Hwah~!" I grabbed Ha-chan by the arm and pulled her down the path ahead until she picked up the pace and ran with me.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

Dashing along the lakeside, Cirno was with her friends again.

"Yo, frosty fairy person!" I yell out.

"That's me!" Cirno zooms up to me. "Can we do it again?"

"Yep!" I grab Cirno, and throw her ahead, allowing her to fly aimlessly forward until she turned around to follow me.

Daiyousei didn't get a word in edgewise as Cirno took off just like that. "Hah…?"

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

Dashing down the path to Eientei, Kaguya and Mokou were brooding on the side of the road, dried blood stains near them.

"Dammit…" Mokou glared at the bloodstains ahead of her.

Kaguya patted her on the shoulder. "I'm sure he was fine, all things considered. He was flying off with that… ah, speak of the devil…"

I dashed up to them. "Hey, guys! I've got an actual strategy now! We can do this, I'm sure!"

Mokou looked at me skeptically. "Last night was really my all. That guy's immune to fire, no ifs, ands, or buts."

I grab her by the shoulders. "But is he immune to _science_!?"

Mokou slowly turned to Kaguya. "...I thought you said he was gonna be fine!"

Kaguya glared back. "I meant physically, not mentally!"

I put my hands up defensively. "Okay, look, here's the game plan… we absolutely positively need both Cirno and Mokou alive for this… and me, since dying is bad for me!"

Kaguya scowls at me. "What about me? Do you think me incapable of-" I cut her off.

"No- it's just that your skillset isn't what'll crush this guy outright. You'll need to piss him off and get him to focus on you, though. Ha-chan will assist you with that." I explained.

"W-whaa~!? Why me!?" Ha-chan cried out.

"Well, we can't have our main damage dealers dying, yo." I explained.

"A-ah…" Ha-chan still looked very hesitant.

I squatted by the roadside. "And now, we wait!"

Pulling out my 3DS, I looked to the others. "Anyone up for a smashathon?"

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

Any traveler who came by would be greeted to the sight of empty chip bags, numerous empty water buckets, and a group of maniacs feverishly playing on electronic devices by the roadside.

One question I had to ask is why Kaguya had a literal arsenal of gaming devices hidden within her skirt.

"Smash Run is a crock of shit!" Kaguya shouted, shaking her 3DS violently.

"Remember to equip powers next time, dumbass!" Mokou shouted to her, one hand shaking her arm violently, 3DS in the other hand.

"A-ahh…" Ha-chan sniffed her 3DS.

"Um…" Cirno's 3DS was destroyed, in multiple ice chunks.

"Waaal!" That fluffle I kidnapped earlier was gnawing on its 3DS, using its shell nose to do so instead of its actual mouth. Freakin' adorably stupid!

Incase you didn't notice, the latter two weren't even in any lobbies of ours since they were freakin' incapable of operating gaming consoles.

My eyes scanned the party, awkwardly grinning.

The day's light was beginning to fade, dusk setting in, light emanating from the village down the trail. The only lights near us were those emitted from the 3DS screens… those of which were still intact, in any case.

I stood up, pocketing my 3DS in my sack. My sugar high may have long since ran out, but my energy remains!

"Up and at'em, lads! It's payday, fellas!" I call out, some of the less attentive party members rousing.

"Give me the consoles, everyone…" Kaguya started collecting 3DSes. Her eyes ran across the one Cirno apparently shattered. "Y-you…"

"Waaal!" The fluffle was still trying to eat the 3DS.

Kaguya walked up and ripped the 3DS out of its hands, and stuffed it somewhere in her skirt. "You… actually, there's no point in insulting you, is there? You probably cannot even comprehend my words…!" She gleefully taunted the fluffle.

The fluffle's mouth opened, making biting motions at the air.

Kaguya rose a brow, smile faltering, as she turned to me.

"Okay, Cirno, fly up really really high so the horseman can't assassinate you, and for the love of all that is holy don't freeze up in awe, and don't attack until I shout your name, alright?" I instruct her.

Cirno nodded. "Alright! I'll shout my name, attack, and awe the horse!"

I nod. "That's atleast vaguely how it goes!… now, Mokou?"

"Hmm?" Mokou looked to me, snapping out of staring at the night sky.

I raise a hand. "I want you to do two things: For one, don't risk yourself; let Kaguya or Ha-chan take the blows if need be."

"A-auuu…" Ha-chan whined.

"Fuck you." Kaguya stuck up her middle finger.

"Secondly, if it's safe, shit fury and make sure he drowns in it." I lower my hand, finished gesturing.

Mokou grins. "Shitting fury's my middle name! Leave it to me!"

Kaguya stifles a storm of giggles that erupted from her.

"...Eat shit and die." Mokou glared at Kaguya, looking ready to rumble.

"The both of you'll be eating shit and likely dying if you start fighting now!" I shout to them. They look to me, and nodded reluctantly.

The moon starts to rise, night fully setting in.

"And you…" I face the quadrupedal fluffle. "I dunno 'bout you, yo… oh man yo I dunno…" Wiping my head feverishly, I back away from the fluffle. "Just… just do what you do best… okay?" I finish up, seeming distracted.

The fluffle smiled widely, blinking faster than it did before.

Neeeigh!

"It'sa horseman, of course-man!" I yelled. Cirno did as instructed and floated up into the air, at the same time trying to get a good look at the incoming horseman.

Kaguya stayed closer to the ground, ready to engage. Ha-chan closely followed behind her, her eyes wide and terrified.

I hanged back, behind Mokou who was also keeping a cautious distance of the two primary engagers.

Clippity clop, clippity clop, clippity clop!

Kaguya spiraled past the horseman, who made a passing swing for her. Ha-chan flew up, and the horseman leaped up with her. Yelping, Ha-chan dove downward, the horseman swinging uselessly at the air as she evaded him from below.

"Hawawa~!" Ha-chan frantically flailed at the air from the floor, a panic attack setting in.

"This time, you'll burn!" Mokou shot a huge orb of flame forward, engulfing the horseman. Kaguya skirted around the edge of the flame, somehow. I don't know how she did it, but I figure she was used to Mokou's flames by this point. Ha-chan retreated quickly, terrified and repelled by the harsh flames.

Mokou tossed another orb, before flying directly away. Kaguya covered her, standing in the way, when…

Shwi~ng!

Kaguya caught the brunt of the Zantetsuken, her glare faltering as her eyes rolled up into the back of her head, and she came clean apart in two.

The horseman's armor was a bright, searing orange, almost like his blade.

"Cirno!" I shouted, hand cupped to my mouth.

"Eye am stronger than even the Headless Horseman! Be awed!" Cirno's battle cry echoed throughout the battlefield as she bee-lined towards said horseman. The horseman saw her, and began charging towards her for an easy beheading, when...

"Snow Sign! Diamond Blizzard!"

Diamond-shaped, blue ice danmaku rained across the field randomly, and the horseman didn't think anything of the icy pellets, until…

KRAAHHHK-! Craa… Craa… Crack!

A horrendously loud crack, followed by more cracks, sounded out, steam simmering from the shattered pieces of enchanted armor of the horseman.

"Haaahhhh…" A breathy sigh filled the air, as the armor promptly turned to dust. The horse reeled back.

Neeheeeigh!

Its rider gone, it pivoted multiple times on its hind legs before collapsing onto its side. Lying still upon the floor, the youkai horse broke down into black mist, before becoming one with the night.

The bright orange blade bounced along the grass, scorching the earth where it touched. The fluffle ran up to it-

"thanks friends"

-and took off with it, holding the hilt in its mouth as it fled.

"Yeeheehaaahh!" I pumped my arms in the air, cheering.

"Rest back in hell, creep!" Mokou taunted the remains of the horseman as they faded back into the shade of the night.

Ha-chan nervously fluttered up to us, wings lightly singed from the ferocity of Mokou's barrages. "I-is it finally over…?"

"Eye did it! Eye beat him! Everyone, look at me!" Cirno happily blurted as she did circles around the group.

And so, we had finally beaten the Headless Horseman. It was a good thing most of us were immortal, so we could just try things again when we horribly screwed up and got nearly wiped the first time! Even if this was a tad anti-climactic… the horseman was never a boss to begin with as I remembered him; he was, ironically enough, one of many mooks, and one of many headless horsemen… although I think only one made its way into Gensokyo, and considering their nature, I think that one would have been around for a _long_ time had we not stepped in.

...although that fluffle took off with the horseman's blade! I was gonna use that for stuff!

I look to the fluffle stand nearby, and sure enough, a fluffle is stationed there. I walk back onto the trail, past out trailside camp which was slightly blown-away due to the horseman charging through it to get to Kaguya.

I walk up to the stand. "Helllo, friend. Wares with wares for wares?"

The fluffle looked at me neutrally. "wat"

"Just show me the bloody hangers!" I shout at it.

The fluffle nods. "sure thing, pal"

There was that crazy rainbow hanger that I didn't wanna know about, there was what looked like one of Reimu's ofuda, and then there was what looked like the tip of a plant hanger constructed from purple wood with orange trimming. It had a hilt of sorts, it seemed.

"...Where'd you get that last one?" I asked, looking towards it curiously.

A second fluffle rose from under the stand. "i found it on my travels friend"

...I leaned over the desk and picked up the second fluffle, stuffing it into my sack again. "Hello, friend." I greeted it.

"hi" The fluffle looked at me from within the sack, and then I closed it.

I point to the last one. "I could use a price on this!"

The fluffle smiled. "thirty thousand yen; the Horseman's Hanger features energy-construct technology, allowing physical strikes to be magical in nature! boosts the strength of dark skills and, upon sufficient striking force coupled with magical input, generates small jack-o-lantern danmaku to slowly home in on targets from parts unknown!"

I stared at it incredulously. "How the hell did you make this in the literally two minutes between the time you got your hands on his sword and the time I walked up to the desk?"

The fluffle's face went neutral "if i told you i would have to kill you friend"

Mokou walked up to the stand. "What the hell? I-is that a plant hanger of that guy's sword? Where the hell did that come from?"

The fluffle opened its mouth to respond, but I put my hand up. "No, we don't need to hear you say anything about how you found, made, crafted, or otherwise came upon any of this mysterious loot!"

In any case, I didn't have the funds for such a weapon, so I'd have to come back another time and mooch off somebody or something. Didn't I assist in killing the bloody horseman _for_ the hanger to be made!? Life is rough, yo.

I walk from the stand, and turn towards Mokou. "How long does regeneration take, anyway?"

Mokou shrugged. "When I got cleaved in two like that, it took me like six hours."

Six hour respawn times? Dayum, Gensokyo didn't play around!... although they were immortal so there's that.

Mokou suddenly put a hand on my shoulder. "Did you hear that little shit's prices? Insane, but who the hell's gonna stop us from taking them? Sure as hell not him."

I blanch, and shake my head quickly. "No, that is not, infact, a great idea at all!"

Mokou laughed. "W-what? Why? Are you telling me you're actually scared of the little bastards?" She gazed at me mirthfully, amused by the prospect.

I sigh. "Look, you go steal a plant hanger from it or something. Watch what happens." I outright tell her.

She laughs heartily, making her way towards the stand, "Fine, I'll do it for you…" before turning back and jeering at me. "...coward!"

I roll my eyes as Mokou walks up to the desk.

"You!"

"me!" The fluffle raised its finns happily at the sudden exclamation.

Mokou picked up the Horseman's Hanger. "This is mine now. See ya."

The fluffle put his fins up. "please, no! friend, don't! no!"

Mokou shook her head. "Fuck you."

The fluffle frowned. "please, help! pain!" It slammed a button underneath the desk, and a little red light appeared at the top of the stand, lighting up the night.

"Oooh, pretty!" Cirno stared at it awed.

Ha-chan was stretching, stress apparently fading from her as she began to relax more, confident we didn't have to do anymore fighting for awhile. Her attention was caught by the little red lightbulb that blinked.

Suddenly, Mokou was blindsided by a black and red yin-yang orb.

"Guufaugh!" She tumbled along the side of the trail, before a fluffle soared overhead in blue maid getup, raining down a volley of very holy looking knives, with runes on the hilts and all that.

"A-aahh! Fuck!" Mokou was pinned to the floor by the knives embedded in her arms and legs, a few embedded in her other extremities aswell. Before she could react properly, though, a complex magical circle formed under her.

A fluffle in Patchouli's purple pajamas floated up slowly, holding a white book with crosses on either side, a tired expression on its face. A little magical circle floated infront of it as it stuck out its fin and compressed it with its focus.

Fwwwiip…

The magical circle under Mokou shrank and blinked a bit.

FWWAAASSH

A huge pillar of holy energy erupted from under Mokou, engulfing her whole. I saw her mouth open to scream briefly, but whatever she said was lost to the void as the pillar brightened.

As it faded, all that was left was Mokou's charred, featureless body, burnt not by fire but by holy heat. She'd get better… physically, at any rate!

A fluffle dressed in Reimu attire floated down and picked up the Horseman's Hanger, before they all rocketed off into the night sky, accelerating absurdly fast.

Ha-chan was frozen in terror, as Cirno's jaw dropped at the display of pure power.

A far familiar feeling of dread filled me, as I grinned incredulously. "...Jesus fuck! We're dead men!"

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

I laid in Kaguya's room, in her bed since she was dead at the moment. She had a ton of poofy pillows! Tonight was gonna be a great night!

Ha-chan didn't follow me in, but I was sure she'd find her way in during the night at some point, mark my words.

Cirno had departed for her own home earlier, and we let her go. I don't think her and anything here woulda mixed…

Yawning, I let myself relax in the super fluffy bed…

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

CHAPTER 8 END

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Hunter, Plant Hanger Master

PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Maker - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes due to an upgrade. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder.

INVENTORY:

Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Dispenser - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Upgraded to have a nozzle with which the weapon can be utilized as a flame thrower with.

Vortex Hanger - A pastel-green and grey plant hanger, comprised of mysterious industrial metals. Is always vaguely windy, and thus floats on flat surfaces like an air-hockey. Boosts wind abilities and spells; can cast minor wind spells via swinging, although for the most part that consists of a slight height boost when jumping which can be repeated, resulting in psuedo-flying. Currently attached to the flail...

Hydraulic- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Mundane, but practical in the eyes of a few. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Due to a dark amulet upgrade, it may be used to cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. When highly charged with buffs, the scythe can even inflict instantaneous death upon certain enemies who are not inherently immune to dark elemental things; although it's general consensus that instant death is ineffective against anyone of any real power, as they'd probably resist the effects.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Fancy operating cross v.2.0 - Allows control and summoning of a London doll, along with some basic commands.

PARTY:

London, the Doll - Defensive unit, able to hold positions and provide cover-fire. Command is slightly dynamic, sporting defensive and offensive modes. Able to be used for more intricate operations; although seems to be strangely absent if the operating cross is in the hammerspace sack this time…

Hana, the Generic Fairy Maid with a Stalking Fixation - A cyan-haired fairy maid from the Scarlet Devil Mansion with a record for stalking. Can fire small spreads of cyan orbs, and apparently specializes in electrical magics, although her ineptitude in combat abilities doesn't show it most of the time. Probably ranks around the same as the other fairy maids. Timid, but cute!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Fairy power!

Kaguya Houraisan, the Lunar Princess - A NEET with a plethora of games, and more cash in her Steam wallet than on her person right now. Immortal with insane regeneration abilities; we know who's going to be on the front lines!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Unarmed magics and spell cards, presumably. Wields her Impossible Requests as spellcards.

Fujiwara no Mokou, the Crimson Watchguard - A white-haired forest hobo who runs a yakitori stand now and then and has an eternal (though debatably weighted, by this point) hatred for Kaguya Houraisan. Also immortal due to the consumption of the Hourai Elixir! A real go-getter on the front lines!

PRIMARY WEAPON: PYROMANIA...and assorted other magics but for the most part, trial by fire!

Cirno, the Ice Fairy of Misty Lake - An ice fairy who's quite stronger than most normal fairies, although still weak by conventional standards. Specializes heavily in ice magic and danmaku. Quite dimwitted at times, but in comparison to most of her fairy brethren she's surprisingly good at calculation based endeavors!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Anything and everything ice related, various spellcards.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

a rather abrupt ending to the Headless Horseman's arc- i did get a ton of powerful friks to fight for me while i strategized in the background, and we managed to kill the supremely tanky being with SCIENCE

...though we did get freakin massacred once, which is precisely why i assembled a party of the undying so that if i screwed up and didn't plan enough, everyone wasn't absolutely destroyed and i had no hopes of doing anything with a whole incident resolving team dead and gone or something

also, more badass clone fluffles of absurd power; where the hell do those blokes come from?

the spell the Patchouli fluffle cast is based on the expert holy attack called Judgement from the Epic Battle Fantasy series! it's a good RPG game series and has its own danmaku game Bullet Heaven on Kongregate, and has a sequel in the works and on Steam Greenlight as we speak!

… but enough of that,

also, no, the scarletvania endeavor won't count towards the incident tally due to being freakin' short and not actually an incident of any real concern to Gensokyo; the headless horseman incident will be summarized next chapter

as always, thanks for reading thus far and I hope to see you all in the following chapters once I actually publish this! happy Halloween aswell everyone, even if I end up publishing this post-halloween, in that case happy belated Halloween everyone!

P.S. i've got a friend proof-reading chapters for me so I don't have as many stoopid mistakes everywhere! typing at 3 AM and getting three hours of sleep does that to you, fellas!

see you all in ten seconds because the next chapter's likely up by the same time this one is

PROOFREADER'S NOTE:

the grammar, it sucks. send help.


	9. Flandre DLC: Perk deck included!

(in which mischief occurs)

 _I looked around the room, seeing bloody hooks upon the walls, the limbs of dismembered victims hanging, but long have since dripped dry… even if the blood still ran as fresh as it did when they were first slain._

" _Powers beyond the comprehension of flesh…"_

 _Tat-tat-tat-tat...Clank._

 _From a door to my left, out came_ _fluffles. They were as big as me, but still looked the same as their smaller brethren, for the most part. Half of one's face withered into a scowl, the normal unrealistic plush-doll like eye replaced with a glowing, empty socket._

 _They held cruel, jagged, blunt blades, and had dark blue armor pads on their shoulders and legs._

" _Booh! Shah!" One reached for a rock-like object on a belt of its, and tossed it towards me._

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

I awaken on the floor, with Ha-chan sprawled out on the floor next to me, eyes swirling. Woohohoaaah…

I stand up, finding Kaguya seems to have reclaimed her bed and liberated it from my reign. It was so comfy, too… and now my back was stiff!

Stretching, I walk back into the secondary room of hers which has the gaming tower and the stuffs in it! Mokou was absent, probably having gone to her own whereabouts when she got better from holy hell levels of pain and suffering.

Looking around, I decide the best course of action was playing my 3DS until everyone was up and about so I could properly navigate my way out… 'cause I kinda needed someone to help slide out that window…

Well, one thing to do is visit Reimu and report to her on the incident thing. I dunno, was this even an incident? Considering Keine said twenty villagers got brutally beheaded earlier… I think it kinda counts. Besides, he coulda gotten larger if I let him… and possibly killed some bigger names before someone actually did something about him.

That other one with the mansion goers, however, was no real incident! That was more like a personal problem! I think I was just gonna have Reimu rip that one up later…

I look out the window, to see it raining. Huh, it hadn't actually truly rained since I got here, so I forgot that was a thing. I can't wait to fly my flail in that weather!

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

After a cold and wet voyage to the Hakurei Shrine, I began writing down the Incident Summary infront of Reimu…

====INCIDENT COMPLETED: THE HEADLESS HORSEMAN'S HORRIBLE HUNTING====

The Headless Horseman had been terrorizing the local human village for a few nights, but the first person to take action was Br-

"Hold it, hold it, hold it!" Reimu shouted, ripping the paper out of my hands.

"Yo, what's the big idea!?" I shouted, reaching back for the incident summary.

Reimu tore the paper in half. "That was in no way a real incident!"

My jaw dropped. "Whaaa~t!? But, the villagers, and the things…!"

Reimu sighed. "All you did was exterminate a single, really powerful feral youkai, ghost, whatever it was. I don't think that qualifies as an incident."

I folded my arms. "Well, what does qualify as an incident then?"

"Anything that affects all of Gensokyo on a large scale. Such as: endless winter, endless drought, powerful border threatening events, so forth." Reimu monotoned, staring at me dully.

I scratched my chin. "Ah… point taken, and uh… well made."

Reimu pulled out the file for the Scarletvania Endeavor incident, and ripped it up. "That one didn't really count, either. It was over in seconds, and all it really was was that bratty vampire playing around."

I shrugged. "I actually kinda agree with that one. But still, twenty villagers died to that horseman, or something!"

Reimu shrugged. "Was anyone besides the human village affected? Like, was anywhere else really invaded by him?"

I paused. "Not… really…"

"There's your answer." Reimu closed the topic, getting up from under the kotatsu.

She left to go deeper into the shrine. "I'm going to see what I have to snack on. If you dare put a fluffle fin anywhere near my tea, I will kick your ass."

I simply stared at my cup of tea. I picked it up, and took a sip. Still got nothin' on kool-aid's diabetes in a canister… actually, how bad was kool-aid for you? I hear it was better than soda! I hated soda…

Reimu walked back in, and having seen no fluffle fins, my life didn't need to end today! "Good to see you have some self-control…"

I shrug. "Where'd I be able to find the fluffle fins from anyway? I noticed the pile outside mysteriously disappeared…"

Reimu turned to the door. "I had Suika take it away." Ah.

...In any case, my incident counter is back to freakin' zero! By the time I publish the next update this thing'll be on chapter fifteen!

I stand, and stretch. "I had best be off to the stuff and things, you see!"

Reimu yawned. "Later."

It had stopped raining a few moments prior, the outside ground still freakin' soggy and the air having the tinge of moisture to it that made you feel all cold and wet and sad, although at other times it was a chill or cozy feeling.

I walk out the front door of the shrine, finding Ha-chan milling about outside with some sticks. "Come along, friend! Tonight we ride to the Scarlet Devil manor for great justice!... also, you're supposed to work there, so uh…"

Ha-chan's eyes shot wide for a moment. "Oh, that's right! I-I do!"

"That's right! You do! Let's get goin'!" I shouted, before getting started on walking down the steps of the Hakurei shrine. This shrine didn't need holy defense buffs, just to be made on a pyramid of stairs; I'm sure no one would ever bother if you put a forcefield up like the one outside of the mansion that one time and just forced everyone to climb the nightmare stairs…

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

I stood at that shore of the Misty Lake, and Ha-chan flew back to me carrying that little white metal garden table.

"I-I probably could have carried you in the time it took me to grab this…" Ha-chan tried to reason, setting the table down.

"Nonsense! This lake will become mine by the end of this day!" I proclaimed, building that one boat I used to survive against Patchouli with.

All my propulsion-related hangers seated on the back, I sat in the front, brandishing the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, ready to self-destruct on some ice chunks should the need arise… and hopefully doing so didn't freakin' sink me!

"Alright, let's do this!" I called, and then began magically charging the hangers…

Cirno landed behind us, running up to the back of my boat. "Hey! Watcha guys-"

Fwoom!

Pi~chun!

A blast from behind the table sent my boat flying forward, sailing across the waves. Cirno was caught in the take-off blast, getting destroyed instantly by a blast of fire. Sorry, fairy friend!

Ha-chan put her hands to her mouth as she watched Cirno get annihilated. "O-oh… dear…"

I soared across the waves, practically skipping, until a tilted ice block floating along the lake sent me soaring into the sky.

"Hooohhhh- shit!" I yelled, flying away into the air.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

Meiling yawned, sleepily blinking her eyes open. She looked to the sky, expecting the morning rays of the sun to tell her biological clock to kick in and wake her up, for the time being anyway.

"I am the plant hanger wizard!"

A shout came from the sky- a garden table propelled by wind and flame soaring far above the gate, towards the manor.

...Meiling closed her eyes. Maybe more sleep wasn't such a bad thing, afterall. Sleep deprivation could do funny things to the mind!

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

Remilia looked at her yard from the rooftop, Sakuya beside her holding a parasol.

"Why did that maid take off with the table anyway…?" Remilia asked her loyal maid, brow raised.

"It's a mystery to me, Milady…" Sakuya sighed, staring into the distance.

Suddenly, a light "vzzzz~" sound was heard from the distance, slowly getting louder.

Remilia looked at a speck rising from the lake, and gradually getting closer to the roof.

"What the hell…?" Remilia squinted, before her eyes widened. "...So, that's where the table went."

"Milady?" Sakuya questioningly squinted at the incoming speck, unable to discern since her eyesight wasn't quite as sharp as that of her vampire mistress.

The "vzzz~!" grew louder; eventually the view of a plant-hanger wielding man riding a garden table, holding onto the table stand, came soaring into view.

That man was me!

"I ride the comet of stars!" I shouted, swinging my Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber wildly.

Remilia flew out of the way, and Sakuya vanished, as I skidded along the roof, touching down. I dove off of the table, rolling. I tossed the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber to the side, which exploded somewhere on the roof, as the boat zoomed into a wall, a tower of flames erupting from the impact as the Flame Dispenser's effect activated.

Remilia walked up to the inferno, jaw ajar. "...God dammit, Brad…"

I took out Hydraulic. "I can fix this! I swear!" I twisted it to max, and started flailing it around, water splashing all over the fire but doing nothing.

Sakuya showed up, and reacted instantly, tossing apparent water-elemental knives at the blaze. With our combined efforts, we put out the fire!

Remilia held her parasol, floating cautiously above the soaked rooftop. "...Well, at any rate, welcome back. How went that whole horseman thing, anyway?"

I looked to her, soaked from all the water I threw around. "The horseman is dead, and the fluffles made a plant hanger out of his sword!"

Remilia snorted. "They would have, wouldn't they?"

I started walking inside the manor. "I'm off to do mansion related activities! If you need me, I'll probably be hopelessly lost in the hallways!"

Remilia nodded. "Alright, then."

She turned back to the front lawn, looking around. Sakuya moved to her side again, grabbing her parasol for her.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

I walked aimlessly until I reached the library, the double doors actually opening this time!

I walked into the maze of bookshelves, but thankfully Patchouli's study was always in a vaguely forward direction. It seemed to change subtly each time though. I think I'll just say a wizard did it and be done with it.

Patchouli looks up from her book at me. "Oh, it's you. Back for an errand, or to waste my time?"

I grin. "I'm here to give myself an errand! Do you have a paper and pencil per chance?"

She raises a brow. "Ah. I haven't bothered with one of those in some time, but…" She levitated a cute pink pencil from out of her desk, and it floated up to me.

I stared at it. "Freakin' pretty in pink!" I swung it like a sword, for whatever reason.

Patchouli sighed. "Yes, yes, yes. Beggars can't be choosers."

I shake my head. "It's not that, yo, it's just pinky."

"...Very well, then. Astute observation from you, at any rate." Patchouli resumed reading her book.

"It is the stutiest of the stute observations, not just astute one!" I made a pun!

"You will be one with that pencil in about ten seconds." Patchouli assured me.

I chuckled. "Woah no!... Oh yeah, that paper…"

I ducked as a blank sheet of lined paper flew in from the shelves like a shuriken. "That wasn't very nice!"

Patchouli didn't reply, and the paper fluttered down to the floor, the spin on it running out. I walked up to it, and plucked it up.

"Thanks, Patchouli!" I call out to her, making my way out of the library.

I pass Koakuma on my way out, who starts to tail me for some reason. I'd rather not be molested by succubi today! I hastened my pace...

I make my way out of the library, and raise the paper. I drew a box that said library on it.

"It is time to map out the Scarlet Devil Mansion!" I exclaimed, gleefully eying the paper.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

I ran down the hallway, being chased by an angry legion of fairy maids and flying tomes.

"Oh, shit! Cool your magical, fairy-dust-encrusted tits!" I ran from the horde with Ha-chan, a storm of danmaku and lasers soaring behind us.

I looked at the map, which was full of loop-de-loops, directional combinations, some math equations, places where you had to pray to the hallway gods for a safe voyage, and various safehouse markings I made- places that were inexplicably inconsistent per person. As it turned out, only a few places in the manor were relatively constant: The library, the front door, the back doors, the basement, and the front foyer. Everything else was up to the random number gods of the mansion, and presumably somewhat Remilia's influence itself.

Oh, yeah. That horde of pissed fairy maids… and the tomes…

Well, let me elucidate. If only I thought to turn around and kick Koakuma's ass when she started tailing me in the library…

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: THE LITTLE DEVIL'S GAMBIT====

I walked down the hallway, plotting my movements down on the paper. I tried a left-right-left-right thing and so far… I came across my room! I marked it on the map as "Fort Fuck-You"!

I stopped and turned around, and saw a shimmer of red and black quickly dissipate.

"Yo! Anyone home?" I call out to the empty hallway, no one replying. I'm pretty sure that was Koakuma, at any rate.

Continuing forward, I managed to reach the kitchen!... by taking four lefts from my fort thing.

I marked the deviation on my map. This was gonna get confusing…

I entered the kitchen, hoping some kool-aid would clear my mind… only to find an all-out food fight was occurring!

"This is all your fa~ult!" Komi shouted, tossing a plate of chicken nuggets at Koi.

Koi was covered in assorted fruit juices. "You sorry sack of shit! I'm gonna kick your ass!"

Namori was ducked under a cookie sheet, occasionally tossing a cookie or two when the other two weren't looking. "A-ahh…"

I pretended not to see anything, moving towards the fridge. Suddenly from behind me, a pale hand with red nails and black sleeves reached from under my arms, and took out a carton of eggs, slipping it under my arms.

"Wuh…?" I turn around… only to find a red and black shimmer fading infront of me, and the three fairy maids were headshotted with very precariously-aimed eggs.

"Y-you…" Komi's fist was shaking.

"Motherfucker…" Koi looked like she was gonna explode!

"Grrr…" Even Namori was growling softly!

I'm pretty sure someone's trying to up and bamboozle me, they are!

Sakuya walks in, and eyes the mess. "...That's it, it's chopped fairy for dinner tonight."

Komi begins to shout, "No! You f-" Pi~chun!

Koi blanches. "Oh, sh-" Pi~chun!

Namori tosses her cookie sheet at Sakuya like a shuriken, but it only lightly clatters against her chest.

"You done?" Sakuya asks, arms folded.

"...Yeah. I guess so." Namori decided, relaxing.

Pi~chun!

The three fairies of kitchen destruction were no more… atleast, for the next couple hours or so.

"And you…" Sakuya turns to me, and I gulp.

"...just, get out of here already…" Sakuya sighs, before vanishing, leaving the mess as it is for the moment.

I shrug, and leave into the dining room. No one's there at this moment, all off doing their own things.

I stop walking for a moment, only to hear footsteps stop behind me, and a faint whoosh, presumably the cloaking spell Koakuma was using. I'll confront her later…

I exit the dining room, now at the front foyer. Heyo!

I map out the locations, and continue upstairs.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: THE LITTLE DEVIL'S GAMBIT====

I made my way towards what I thought would be Remilia's room, but I came to some small single-doored doors in oddly rectangular rooms, as if I were no longer in halls but a series of rooms. I exited one…

...Hey! It's the back yard!

I walked outside, and looked around. Nice day, today, now that it wasn't raining...

I came to one of those wedge doors, those kinds that lead into a cellar. Did I really want to meet Flandre? Hmmm… not particularly, but I had nothing better to do! Besides, when was the last time an original character died to Flandre? Infact, the like fifth person they met in Gensokyo was usually Flandre. It was always an "oh shit" moment, and it always ended in them being immune to being kyuu'd because of course the generic human with no other redeeming qualities needed instant death resistance.

...That actually makes sense from a game design perspective, but only if he was a generic fairy or slime…

I opened up the cellar, and took out Sharper Than Darkness. If anything would give me instant death resistance, this thing would! I hope it would, I had it at its third tier upgrade!... hopefully that means like 60% instant death resistance or something.

Stepping into the cellar, it was freakin' dark. I took out the Holy Hanger of Holy Holiness and channeled magic into it lightly.

Fwooo…

It glowed faintly, but I quickly depowered it. That thing was a mana guzzler! Freakin' holy spells… I could feel my life draining with that thing active!

I heard light gasping behind me as I powered it for that brief moment. Yeah, eat shit, Koakuma.

Traversing the dark halls, I had Flame Dispenser out. I lit the edge of a random, somewhat aged-looking end table nearby. It didn't look like it belonged in the manor; I guess some old furniture went down here when Remilia didn't want it.

...and when I think about that sentence in combination with Flandre being locked down here, it kinda sorta tears at the heart strings a 'lil if you know what I'm sayin'...

I came to a little red door, and opened it.

I peered inside…

"H-hello?" Heyo!

"Yo!" I called in.

"A-ah… hello!" Flandre called out to me from within. Welp, either I'm gonna die here or I'm gonna make a good friend!

I heard the footsteps from behind me stop, and cautiously continue.

I entered the room, and shut the door behind me. Good game, Koakuma.

I look around, and Flandre was holding a fluffle in one hand, plant hanger in the other. Huh.

Flandre looked to the fluffle, and up at me. "This naughty toy was trying to take my newest, bestest toy away… Isn't that so?" Flandre held up the fluffle, and pointed it at me.

"help, send fluff" The fluffle squirmed its limbs, to little avail.

Flandre expressionlessly gazed at it. "You know what happens to toys that I don't like, right?"

The fluffle flailed wildly, trying to escape her grasp.

"...They go kyuu!" Flandre crushed her hand around the fluffle's torso…

BOOM

… but the hand-crushing was what actually killed the fluffle, the explosion seemingly ignored as it instead crumbled from the might of her grip and exploded into dust on its own.

Flandre blinked. "...That's never happened before!"

Fluffles have instant death resistance! I called it!

Flandre turned to me, and saw I was holding Sharper Than Darkness. "...Oooh, did you hear about him too!?"

I tilted my head. "Who?"

Flandre stood up excited. "That funny man who goes around with a plant hanger, beating up bad guys! Remi told me the other day she met him, and he was kinda stupid, but really nice at the same time!"

I smiled. Fuck-you-but-at-the-same-time-thank-you, Remilia!

"Oh yeah? What was the story like?" I asked, genuinely curious.

"Uuummm… he was sort of like a wizard, but only he used plant hangers to cast spells instead… and he was really funny! He always messed things but, but he fixed it all by the end! Oooh, oohh, like that one time he accidentally sold his family to the wibble horde… but he flooded their village over night by filling up alot of buckets with his water hanger, and made a machine to dump them all at once!" Flandre finished, smiling.

...The fuck have you been telling your little sister, Remilia!?

Flandre held up the green cast-iron plant hanger, eyeing the inscriptions on it. "I wanna be like him one day… well, not quite so funny, but I wanna be able to travel like he does. The world sounds wrong sometimes… but I think I'm ready to deal with it, even if Remi thinks otherwise."

What's wrong with being funny, yo!?... but in any case, I saw her logic. I think.

I heard faint footsteps nearing, as Flandre sat down her hanger.

"I wrote an escape plan on the hanger." Flandre confessed. "I'm gonna leave, one of these days. I know Remi keeps telling me that these walls are in my best interest, but… how much time have I wasted playing it 'safe'? Auuu…" Flandre pouted, glancing at the floor.

I tilted my head. "You don't really have alot of people to talk to, do you?"

She looks up at me. "N-no… I'm always scared someone might tell Remi something, and she might come down to talk to me about it. Meiling's nice, but… she can only come down so often. The others… I don't know if they care. I don't think so, anyway."

Dayum. Were I not listening carefully to that suspicious pacing, I'd have felt my eyes get a little moist there…

The pacing neared the hanger… and as it lifted lightly over the floor, Flandre too preoccupied to notice, I acted.

Thunk!

I brought the back of Sharper Than Darkness down on where I thought Koakuma's head would be. She had gingerly lifted the plant hanger, bringing the part she grabbed up first, and that revealed the side she'd be on. Considering there was a thunk sound, I think I hit the hanger on the head there, as it were…

Clatter! The hanger dropped to the floor…

Koakuma's cloak fell, and she grasped her head.

"What…? Where'd you come from…?" Flandre took a step back, surprised.

"N-not good…" Koakuma stumbled to her feet, and reached for the plant hanger, and I put my foot down on it, keeping it in place.

"Go fuck yourself. Seriously." I asserted, glaring at her. Dick move, yo.

Koakuma glared back, dashing out of the room.

Flandre stood, expressionless. "Was she…"

I turned to her. "Trying to steal your hanger. Yeah."

Flandre sat down, eyes tearing. "...W-why…"

I kneeled next to her. "I don't even know. I'll see what I can find out, okay?"

Flandre looked to me, and smiled. "T-thank you…" She looked to her plant hanger, then back to me.

"...I want you to hold onto it, for me. It's complete anyway… but you just saw what I almost let happen, right? When my emotions get the better of me…" Flandre looks away to the right, wincing a bit.

I shrugged. This moment was cliched in nature, but I've had plenty of cliched moments happen to me before, both in pre-Gensokyo life, and Gensokyo life. I always felt awesome when they happened, even sad ones like these; I know it was selfish, but it made me feel alive to be living the moments I had thought only were possible in fiction. Maybe the world wasn't so black and white, afterall.

...That statement feels ironic, for some reason, but I can't quite place why...

"...Are you certain?" I ask her. The question you've always gotta ask, even if you already know the answer…

"...Yeah." Flandre looked to me. "Please take good care of it."

If I didn't die! "I'll do my very best, yo."

Flandre smiled. "Thank you, again. Mister…"

I stood up. "Call me Brad! No one knows my name anyway, so it's not like throwing it around matters!" I grinned.

Flandre's eyes widened for a moment, and she smiled wider. "...Thank you, Brad."

I shrugged. "Don't go thanking me for anything just yet, yo. One of these days, I'll see what I can do about getting you outta here, but no promises, so don't go lookin' forward to anything. Hell, with my luck, I might just get impaled by the cellar door on the way out of here…" I crack a joke that I realize after saying it it might be a tad inappropriate…

Flandre giggled. "You're funny…" It worked out well, though!

I smile, and pick up the plant hanger.

The inscriptions read in crude english on one side, "ESCAPE PLAN". There was japanese on it that I couldn't read, but I could see a skull and an arrow next to it. One side had multiple plus signs, one was full with no arrows, and the emptier it got it had less arrows. I supposed this was kinda sorta supposed to be part of a basic map from the other, main door to the room and not the little red door in the back I took, but…

...that was an awfully big hint towards the functionality of the weapon, too. The Escape Plan, presumably let me move faster the more hurt I was. Sharper than Darkness kinda did that too, but I think the Escape Plan'd be a better speed boost.

Flandre looked up to me. "Do you like it…?"

I nod. "This'll be great."

Flandre smiled. "I enchanted it to make you move faster the more damage you absorbed. Patchouli was making me practice that kind of enchantment the other day, saying it would have been useful if I could learn it and use it to make myself a charm. She gave up though, saying I wasn't able to control my mana spending to properly manage it, but…" Flandre looked at the hanger. "...I did it, eventually. She'll never know, though. She'd probably not care if she did know, either."

I didn't feel any faster at the moment, but I wasn't hurt either, so uh… yeah pretty sure I knew why.

I looked to Flandre. "Well, I'll be off now. Don't get too lonely down here, you hear?"

Flandre nods. "I'll try!"

I leave for the door I entered through, only to find it locked. Eat shit and die, Koakuma!

I went for the main door, and took that instead.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: THE LITTLE DEVIL'S GAMBIT====

Flandre watched the door close, the man leaving.

"...He's just as funny as Remi said… but not as stupid. Why didn't you show him to me, Remi…?"

Curling up on her bed, she stared at the wall, just as she had for the past few hundred years.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: THE LITTLE DEVIL'S GAMBIT====

I walked down the hallway, stashing the Escape Plan, hearing the footsteps pick up behind me. Oh, fuck this…

I pulled out my Holy Hanger. "Stalked now, bitch!?"

fffwwwWaaash!

A blinding light filled the dark hall of the basement, and Koakuma's cloak fell, and she staggered backwards, covering her eyes.

"Aaahh~!" Koakuma's voice rang out.

"Hah! You suck!" I pointed to her. This wouldn't accomplish anything, but I felt great… minus the mana consumption, that was kinda poor decision-making on my part, but it was worth surprising the shit out of Koakuma and blinding her.

Koakuma stood there, her eyes covered as she tried to flash her cloak, and it kept flickering instead of doing anything. I might'ave disrupted her magic with that stun, so I just continued forward down the hallway… and found myself at a four-way intersection.

I took out Escape Plan, and looked at the crosses. They had certain fillings, yes, but the empty parts were pointed in certain directions. The first cross was full, so I went left because I like left.

Crossroads. This cross had empty space to the right, so I went right.

Crossroads. One whole peg was empty, to the back. I went back.

Crossroads. Finally, three pegs were empty… but forward was full. I went forward.

A set of cellar doors were in front of me. Hope you like rotting in hallway hell, Koakuma!

I opened the doors, and stepped out, ending up in a hallway of the mansion. The cellar doors snapped back quickly, and I barely avoid their not-so-sharp edges. "I don't need that thing about the impaling to actually become true!"

I pulled out my lined paper, and traced the path I went… but made sure to not list Flandre's path out of the four-way hallways. That was rather sadistic design on Remilia's part, honestly… I wonder how long it took Flandre to find the right path out…

I heard footsteps from the left. I looked to the left, and saw no one.

"I _hate_ you." I made sure to express to Koakuma. I assume she unlocked that little red door and took that instead. What was this iteration of Koakuma even like? She was a little sultry earlier, but we never really interacted. So far she's just been a humongous dick to Flandre, so she was already on my bad side…

I heard giggling. Yo ho ho, when she uncloaked, she was gonna get a plant hanger sandwich…

At any rate, I opted to ignore her; if she wanted to follow me, it was whatever. I took the hallway straight ahead…

...Ey! Library again! I opened it up, and went inside.

...to be greeted to angry flying magic tomes. Help, pain!

I dodged aside some blue lasers, and fled the library. I slammed the door, which vibrated as lasers struck it.

I heard Koakuma's giggle somewhere behind me. She was behind that in some way!

The door shimmered, and then stopped. I tried to open it… and it was locked to me now!

"I thought we went over this the first time…" I took out Quake Maker, and charged myself with the strength buff, the power of rock and or roll filling me.

Bam… Bam… Bam… Boosh!

"Surprise, dumb-bell!" I yelled, charging into the room, only to find the tomes weren't there.

Patchouli floated out from behind a bookshelf, surprised. "What are you doing here?"

I shrug. "I 'unno, I just drew thi-"

"Stop playing dumb. Where did you take the sensitive information? You were obviously the one who took it, I found a plant hanger in my private room. Confess now, and your punishment will be less severe." Patchouli glared at me, whirling her hands in the air as she began conjuring.

...Some sketchy shit's goin down, yo~!

"...A few questions: first, what did the plant hanger look like? Second, what the hell is 'sensitive information'? Third, where is your assistant Koakuma?"

Patchouli didn't bother to blink, or stop whirling her arms. "Sand-red, your first one. Classified, but you already know. She's currently tending to some deeper shelves of the library I've neglected, as she has been all day."

I take out Swift Brand. "You mean… this one? Did it even have any of my upgrades?"

Patchouli didn't bother to check. "Stop making excuses, and come quietly."

Bloody, conceited magi…! Alright, this is goin' nowhere, so I might aswell…

"By the way, your panties smelt really nice while I was in your private quarters. I made sure to roll around on your bed and get my greasy hair all over your pillows. Also, I took a Duke Nukem: Atomic Edition in your private bathroom." Insert shit-eating grin here. Hey, I might aswell!

Patchouli's spellcasting was interrupted! "W-w... You… perverted, depraved... imbecile!" Patchouli yelled,

I ran out the door, slamming it behind me. I had a feeling _I_ was going to need an escape plan in a moment…

A fairy maid spotted me, and glared at me. "You! You took them, didn't you!?"

"Took what now?" I was already running.

The fairy maid screamed, my ears ringing lightly from the high pitch. She had some freakin' lungs!

Fairy maids rushed out to check on her, and noticed me. Instantly there was immense rage in the hallways!

I ducked under the lasers that shot out from the library's now-burst-open doors, and fled down the hallway.

"Hello! How- Hwah!?" I grabbed Ha-chan as I ran by her, and tossed her into a running position.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: THE LITTLE DEVIL'S GAMBIT====

I ran down the hallway, being chased by an angry legion of fairy maids and flying tomes.

"Oh, shit! Cool your magical, fairy-dust-encrusted tits!" I ran from the horde with Ha-chan, a storm of danmaku and lasers soaring behind us.

I looked at the map, which was full of loop-de-loops, directional combinations, some math equations, places where you had to pray to the hallway gods for a safe voyage, and various safehouse markings I made- places that were inexplicably inconsistent per person.

Alright, so, left, up, right, down, up to get to the front foyer!

Luckily the fairies behind me slowed down as their group gained in mass, ending up firing each other down more often than not. Why were they so pissed!?

I reached the front foyer, to find Koakuma standing smugly in front of a crate full of assorted panties, apparently. So _that's_ why they were so pissed...

"There's the culprit, Mistress Scarlet!" Koakuma exclaimed, as if shocked, pointing towards me.

Remilia glares at me from the front foyer. Oh, boy.

"Boy… you're fortunate I sent Sakuya off on an errand, or I would have had her tend to you for me. But no…" Remilia walks towards me slowly. "...I have to take out the _trash_ myself. Tell me, what made you think it was a good idea to attempt to use someone such as I, the Scarlet Devil, in such a way?"

I didn't know what she was talkin' about… but I was gonna go along with it anyway!

"You see, I did it because I had to! The power was too much! The plant hanger spoke to me, yo! The moon's falling! Ariba, ariba! Ondele!" I yelled out. It probably didn't matter what I said at this point...

"Hah! Foolish excuses, for a foolish man. You're nothing but a pervert, and a coward. Because I once trusted you… I'll let you leave now, but I must advise you to never come back. Understood?" Remilia turns away from me.

See? Selective hearing! "No, I didn't. Could you repeat that?" I grinned.

"...Ten seconds to get out that gate, or I will disembowel you." Remilia lifted Gungnir…

Time to run! I sprinted past Remilia and out the front door, and the fairy maid horde resumed chase.

"W-what's going on!?" Ha-chan shouted.

"Koakuma's doin' some shady shit, that's what!" I shouted back to Ha-chan, as we neared the gate, and ran out.

Meiling was still asleep, and I assume she hadn't caught the memo yet. That's good!

We exited the manor, the horde stopping short at the gates. From there, we ran all the way to the Misty Lake to recoup and plan out our next actions…

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: KOAKUMA'S PERSPECTIVE====

Koakuma was pleased with herself… but she assumed Remilia would have locked the boy up. Pity, now she'd have to hunt him down outside the walls, no doubt sleeping just outside like some sort of hobo.

"I'm glad you caught that. I can't forgive that man for what he did. What tipped you off, anyway?" Remilia turned to Koakuma.

Koakuma thought back to what really transpired…

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: KOAKUMA'S PERSPECTIVE====

I saw the man from passing glances from his encounters to the library before. I'm never going to get another chance like this, so it's now or never.

The man walked past the midway to leave the library, holding a paper. I trailed him… and he picked up the pace. Was I that loud? I suppose that cloaking spell will once again be put to use…

Trailing him throughout the halls, I put the first step of my plan into action…

"Ahh, Yellow-chan…"

I slipped into the nearby opened door to a room of fairy maids; it was quite fortunate the laundry room happened to be in this hallway… and it truly was, considering how chaotic the hallway geometry could get to navigate…

I only have thirty seconds at most to spare before I potentially lose sight of that guy…

Still cloaked, I moved to the laundry baskets, and opened a vial of cloudy liquid; it was way too viscous to be a certain bodily fluid… but the maids wouldn't know better.

"What's that, Maple?"

Koakuma dumped a vial of the stuff into a basket of panties, and then moved to the next one, operating swiftly and efficiently to dirty them all.

"Do you ever get bored of the same old, same old?" Maple asked Yellow.

Koakuma pocketed some of the dirty panties- you never knew when you needed to plant some evidence...

"...What's a same old?" Yellow questioned, looking back at the basket of panties to lift it.

"Hwaah!?" She dropped it, jumping back.

And for the final touch…

Koakuma let a sand-red plant hanger clatter to the ground.

Clat-clatter!

"Yellow-chan! What are you do- oh my god!" Maple noticed the dirtied undergarments.

"W-w-what do we do~!?" Yellow began crying,

Maple started for the door. "I-I'll go tell the chief, or the mistress!"

Objective one: completed.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: KOAKUMA'S PERSPECTIVE====

I followed behind him carefully, my cloak dropped to preserve mana. He passed that… fort, thing of his.

He began to turn!

Cloak, activate!

Swoosh…

"Yo! Anyone home?" he called out. Did he honestly think I'd reply, were I even here? Cute…

I trailed him towards the kitchen ahead, but before that… I stopped at his sleeping pile of things, and dumped some of the dirtied panties on it.

"...heheh!..." I stifled a giggle as I stood back near the fort… but I lost sight of him! I ran forward to try and keep up, and I eventually caught up… as he entered the kitchen door from behind.

Inside, those three imbeciles were doing what they did best...

"This is all your fa~ult!" Komi shouted, tossing a plate of chicken nuggets at Koi.

Koi was covered in assorted fruit juices. "You sorry sack of shit! I'm gonna kick your ass!"

Namori was ducked under a cookie sheet, occasionally tossing a cookie or two when the other two weren't looking. "A-ahh…"

...At any rate, the man moved towards the fridge…

I reached under his arm, taking a carton of eggs, and with a single swift pivot…

Crack! Crack! Crack!

Swoosh…

Cloak engaged. Damn, I'm good…!

"Wuh…?" The man turned around, confused.

"Y-you…" Komi's fist was shaking.

"Motherfucker…" Koi looked like she was gonna explode!

"Grrr…" Even Namori was growling softly!

Hehahah! This was perfe-

Sakuya walked into the room… shit! I had to fall back- it was too risky with that maid around, she knew my cloaking ability and there'd be no doubt this would all be over if she found me around him oh god did she see me please oh holy-

I closed the door… and no one went to check on it, or presumably had noticed it.

I let out a sigh… and peeped the door open. The man was making way for the dining room, and the three morons were dead and gone, apparently. Dammit… it woulda been the best thing if they stripped him d-

Ah. Getting carried away with myself, hmm. No matter...

I followed him into the empty dining room… I did have to ask myself, why was he ra-

Cloak, engage!

Swoosh…

The man stared carefully at me for awhile. Dammit… how the hell did he know!?

He left into the foyer, and I slowly followed, catching up to see him enter the path towards Remilia's quarters. Either he'd end up outside or at them, and considering the mistress would be preoccupied with other matters right now… he'd wind up outside. That's just how this place worked.

At any rate, I had to get started on the big shebang of this whole operation…

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: KOAKUMA'S PERSPECTIVE====

My mistress would be in the central portion of her study, reading as usual. I couldn't cloak by her, obviously, or she'd single-handedly kick my ass and question me for being a super sneak. Instead, I ran past her with a stack of random books…

"Hmm? I thought you were in the back…"

I franticly turn to her, "A-ah… sorry, I kinda got… lost?"

Mistress shook her head. "...You've worked here for numerous years now. Ignorance is no excuse. Get back to work, I expect more from you."

I nod. "Y-yes, mistress!"

I frantically hurried in a random direction, and I don't think she thought anything of it… but it wasn't a random direction, per say- I knew this lead to Mistress's private quarters. Left, right, left, left, right, forward… Patchouli's personal blockade for those who dare enter. I wasn't supposed to have known, but, you'd be surprised what you can happen across over twenty years…

I entered her study, and grabbed that one book she was reading, about those dust devil things. I didn't care what they were, but they were a hot topic, for one thing, and mistress regarded this info as critical. I dropped a sand-red plant hanger on the carpet, then moved to spread her panties everywhere.

"Perfect…" I giggled to myself, exiting the room. Now…

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: KOAKUMA'S PERSPECTIVE====

"Mistress! Mistress!" I ran up to mistress,

"Hmm? Another interruption…?" Mistress began to scowl…

"It's important! That boy, he, he…" I trailed off.

Mistress looked up curiously. "What about the boy?"

"H-he defiled the panties in the washroom… and we know it was him, too!" I cried.

She looked alarmed. "W-what, really?"

Now for the kicker… "He was carrying this tan tome, shouting something about fluff…"

Mistress froze up. "I need to go to my study. Now. Koakuma, hunt down that man." She rose, quickly hovering down the path Koakuma took earlier.

Objective two: completed.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: KOAKUMA'S PERSPECTIVE====

I took the shortcut outside through the side of the library, and walked around the manor until I reached an open cellar door… walking inside, I eventually found him fumbling in the dark. Human eyesight was pitiful, wasn't-

Fwoo...

A soft light emanated, but it… wasn't comfortable, I guess.

"Hah…" I gasped. Cloak, cloak, cloak!

Swoosh…

He didn't react that time, though. Good, good…

He neared Flandre's room. Not good, not good…!

He opened it up. "Yo!"

"H-hello?" That bloody demon child…

I paused. Did I have anything I really needed in there…? The little lunatic'd probably see me, but…

The door closed. Did he know…? Ah, shit...

I heard Flandre's voice from the hall. "...toys…"

She'd better not be perceptive, or I'm bat food.

I slowly creak open the door, and step inside… no one seems to react! Excellent…!

They begin some boring story… not excellent…!

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: KOAKUMA'S PERSPECTIVE====

I gradually moved towards the vampiress throughout the conversation… That plant hanger… I wonder if I could do anything-

"I wrote an escape plan on the hanger." Flandre confessed.

… Alright, I needed that hanger. The bratty mistress'd reward me for sure if I got this done! New objective!

She sets it down… now's my chance! She doesn't even suspect a thing! She's so clueless! This is amazing…! Just…

I grab the plant hanger… sweet, sweet success. Objective-

Thunk!

Owwwowowowow…!

I clutch my head, my cloak fading… T-the plant hanger! "N-not good…"

I reach for it… and the man's foot rests on it.

"Go fuck yourself. Seriously."

Fucking asshole!

I give up trying to grab it. Damn it! Cloak, do something already!... alright, fuck this, abort objective- I'm gonna have to fall back…!

I rush back, the little freaky one staring at me expressionlessly. Creepy…

I shut the door… and lock it magically. Fuck you!

...I put my ear to the door, waiting for him to progress…

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: KOAKUMA'S PERSPECTIVE====

Alright, he's leaving. I open the door, the creepy little sister staring at the wall, and I keep my cloak up. I move for the other door and smoothly transition out. Now...

"Stalked now, bitch!?"

fffwwwWaaash!

Holy shit, that sucked!

The man swirled around and cast some holy spell. I staggered backwards, covering my eyes.

"Aaahh~!" My voice rang out. Fuck, this stung…!

"Hah! You suck!" He pointed to me. Asshole...!

He ran off into the hallway ahead. Luckily I studied up on this particular hallway… Patchouli has the path documented in her personal study, as she's had to come down here to tutor the vampire before.

I follow the path, quickly catching up to the man as he stopped to consider each intersection.

We exited the cellar, and it was about time~! It was time to see my plan-

The man stopped, and turned to me, despite being cloaked. "I _hate_ you." ...I couldn't wait to see this man locked up. There were no doubts about it- I was going to be the dominatrix, and he was going to be submissive to me.

Just thinking about it… "...teheh!" I giggled accidentally, but the man either ignored me or pretended not to notice. Mmm… in any case, I'd let him sort things out with my mistress…

Bam… Bam…

I walked away as he began work on the door.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: KOAKUMA'S PERSPECTIVE====

I stood by Remilia. The fairies brought the soiled panties to her, and I told her everything right here.

"...and that was how he said you would make a great sex toy, Mistress…" I'm such a devil!... now let me go exorcize myself for making that pun…

Remilia's shocked gaze rested on me for a moment, before she lightly shuddered.

The man ran up with a fairy maid by his side. An accomplice, huh? Oh, how I'd love to break her in, too!

"There's the culprit, Mistress Scarlet!"

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: KOAKUMA'S PERSPECTIVE====

I looked at Remilia. "Oh… I just saw some suspicious things and did my duty, was all!"

I'm such a clever bastard!

Remilia nods, looking a little weathered. "Thank you. You may take the night to relax for your duty to me… I need some time to myself."

Remilia walks off, and I grin wickedly at the door before me, before opening it, and setting out into the night for the man who was just exiled from the premises.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: KOAKUMA'S PERSPECTIVE====

The man sat by a large tree near the Misty Lake… it was apparently the home of some fairy. A greater fairy, to be precise. Curious...

The green-haired fairy turned to him. "That's terrible!"

The cyan-haired maid nodded. "I-I can't believe it either… d-does this mean I'm fired?"

The man nodded. "Yeah. Probably!"

"A-auuu…" The cyan maid pouted.

I took this opportunity to strike!

"Hello, children!" I walked out from behind a bush, my arms under my bountiful assets.

"Hello, aunt succubus! Here for your wrinkle cream ala blunt trauma?" The man stood, lifting the modified sand-red plant hanger.

I locked eyes with him, and began the hypnotic process...

"Look deep into my eyes, and don't even think of looking away. That's right, good boy…"

He complied immediately, eyes already almost glazing over. This would be a piece of cake!

The cyan maid turned to him. "Uwah!? B-brad…?"

The greater fairy shivered. "O-oh, no!"

I walked up to him. "Your name is Brad… hmm? I like it. It suits you. Look deep into my eyes. Don't even think of looking away." I continue the hypnotic process…

He smiles warmly, complying. Oh, ho ho ho! I'm going to love tonight, that's for certain!

I lean in to kiss him, and the cyan maid starts crying while the greater fairy simply blushes. Once this kiss connects, his mind will be mine.

Annnd… mission… ac-

Thwack!

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE====

I sat around a little garden table outside Daiyousei's apparent house. It's a literal tree!... talk about down to earth!

Daiyousei turned to me, pouting. "That's terrible!"

Ha-chan nodded, putting her hands to her head. "I-I can't believe it either… d-does this mean I'm fired?"

I nodded. "Yeah. Probably!" I mean, why wouldn't she be?

"A-auuu…" Ha-chan pouted. Did she even get paid, like, anything?

And suddenly a wild, horny Koakuma appeared!

"Hello, children!" She walked out from behind some brush, hands under her chest to assure to you that yes infact she does indeed have giant succubus breasts, incase you didn't know already.

"Hello, aunt succubus! Here for your wrinkle cream ala blunt trauma?" I stood up, brandishing Swift Brand.

Her eyes lock with mine, hypnotic spirals forming in the center. Oooh, I always loved watching hypnosis videos! They were hard to get into sometimes, though… and about ninety percent of them sucked!

Koakuma smirked. "Look deep into my eyes, and don't even think of looking away. That's right, good boy…"

Oh god, it's like I was watching a shitty hypnosis video! What horrible attempt at induction was this!? I stared deep into the bridge of her nose, just incase her eyes had any legitimate magic, being a succubus and all.

Ha-chan turned to me, tears at the brim of her eyes. "Uwah!? B-brad…?"

Daiyousei shivered… whether it be in fear or pleasure, I'll never know… "O-oh, no!" Daiyousei, please.

She walked up to me, her aroma intoxicating. "Your name is Brad… hmm? I like it. It suits you. Look deep into my eyes. Don't even think of looking away." You just brought it up and I am now thinking about looking away! I was too good at breaking hypnosis for my own good! I smile warmly anyway, she smelled nice.

She leans in to kiss me. Bad touch, bad touch! She closes her eyes, and puckers up. Did she… did she just forget I was holding a plant hanger? I arc my arm back...

Thwack!

Koakuma spirals to the floor, shocked.

"Rule number one of hypnosis: it takes effort from both parties! Rule number two: you can't make someone do something they wouldn't normally do, and rule number three: you suck!" I counted the basic concepts off the top of my head. I was into the self-pleasuring topics! I knew what I was talking about!

"Y-you… what the fuck… You were staring into my eyes!" Koakuma rubbed her cheek, glaring at me furiously.

"No, I was staring into your nose, which probably wasn't remotely as hypnotizing." I confessed.

"W-what?" Koakuma started to clamber to her feet, only to slide back down on the damp grass. "Damn it!"

I take Swift Brand, and clock Koakuma in the head with it, knocking her out.

"Here's my brand of hypnosis: if I hit you really hard, you fall into a nice deep sleep. How's that sound?" I reason with her unconscious body.

I lift it, and drop it on the table. "Daiyousei, tie her up. With something that isn't conventional rope, mind you, this is a succubus. Infact…"

I looked at Ha-chan. "You can do the electric things, right?"

Ha-chan tilts her head. "What?"

I nod. "Good enough. Alright, Daiyousei, can you make some vines around her?"

Daiyousei nods, and begins magically forming vines, manipulating nature loosely. It takes a good few minutes, but it works.

"Alright," I take Ha-chan's arms and put them on the vines. "Imagine blood and thunder! The magenta apocalypse! Car batteries! Sulfuric acid!"

I look at Ha-chan, who has a face of pure terror locked in place.

"...I mean, uh, electricity, like uh... " ...Explaining electricity to a fairy might be hard!

"Think of sparks, think of uh… flowing… energy? Danmaku bullets?"

Ha-chan pumps Koakuma full of danmaku bullets.

"Wahahaauugh!" Koakuma yells out, still unconscious, however.

The danmaku also shocked the vines, accelerating their growth and causing them to embed themselves into her clothes and table. Not what I had in mind, but alright!

I nod, pleased. "It worked!... Next plan of action… is an escape plan." I take out… the Escape Plan.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: HOXTON- I MEAN, FLANDRE BREAKOUT HEIST====

I look between the three of them. "I could go and get more people, but that'd be too late and too many. All we need are the three of us… and you, Daiyousei, only need to stealthily get me on the roof of the manor. Afterwards you can just sod off and live in your tree with the fluffles or whatever it is that you do."

Daiyousei looks slightly offended by that comment, but nods acceptingly regardless. "Ah… okay…"

I look to Ha-chan. "You'll be with me most of the time, but at the end, when push comes to shove, I'm gonna need you to create a distraction for me and Flandre to escape-" I got cut off.

"F-Flandre!? T-the little mistress!?" Ha-chan squeals, terrified.

"No, it's Flanders, the talking fish. Oh, actually it's Colonel Sanders, and we have to free him to restore Gensokyo Fried Chicken. Yeah, we're breaking out Flandre! She's lonely down there, and considering Koakuma made everyone want to fuck my shit up, I'm in a good position to just bust in and fuck more shit up!" I rant and rave and hoot and holler and so forth.

Ha-chan stays quiet, letting things sink in...

I waltz towards Koakuma. "Let us see what the pockets hold!"

Let's see… her inventory consists of:

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: FLANDRE BREAKOUT HEIST====

A Condom - I don't think that's needed if you're a succubus…

Various shady toys - Don't ask. Please, no. I'm not even gonna consider taking one- I don't know where this succubus has been!

Tan tome - I can't read anything! I'll just hold onto this… maybe Patchouli'll want it one day, if she doesn't kill me first. Or if someone else doesn't kill me first.

Sand-red plant hanger - Hey, that's my thing! I don't need an extra, though...

Rope specifically tailored for comfy binding - Mine now, and it's probably going to go towards some insane contraption!

A mana potion - Thanks!

A pink potion - No thanks!

Vials of white stuff - They actually carry these!? Hell no! Eeeeugh! That's it, no more pocket digging, I'm done! It's over! Scene transition… Scene transition!

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: FLANDRE BREAKOUT HEIST====

I pocketed a mana potion, some comfy ropes, and a tan tome.

"Those are some dirty pockets…!" I state, brushing my hands off on my shirt. Ech, gives me the heeble jeebles just thinkin' 'bout it…

I look at the two fairies, "We're gonna get goin'!"

Daiyousei jerks her head back, "W-what!? Really? Now?"

I nod. "Not time like the present, baby! Last one alive, lock the door!"

I stand and begin to sprint across the lakeside, Ha-chan and Daiyousei reluctantly tailing me… only for me to slow down after about ten seconds because I already sprinted earlier and I was all tuckered out.

"Hah… Hah…" In through the nose… out through the mouth…

"Are you alright?" Ha-chan asked, hovering up next to me.

"Yeah, just bein' freakin' stupid. Don't mind me." I replied, berating myself for acting with such haste.

After some time, we came to the wall of the Scarlet Devil Mansion… and Meiling was outside asleep as usual. I'm sure she had her own quarters, but fell asleep outside anyway…

Hmm… I could bind her with the rope, but she might be strong enough to just up and snap it should she so desire. I think she still doesn't have the memo, either, so…

I near the gate, and Daiyousei flies up next to me…

"I want you to get me on the roof, yo." I requested. "Right on up there, be sure to approach carefully though. If a certain someone is on the rooftop, we're gonna be in big freakin' trouble!"

Daiyousei nervously nods, and Ha-chan hovers alongside her.

We hover up towards the side of the clock tower, but no one is on the roof anyway so we touch down in front of the clock tower.

"Alright, your job is done, Daiyousei. Go and do the thing you do best, and get down with your funky self!" I exclaimed, thanking her.

"...O-okay?" Daiyousei hovered away slowly, giving me a concerned stare, before settling on flying off.

I turn to Ha-chan. "Alright… if Flandre isn't extracted tonight, chances are that whatever that succubus did might cement itself further, and I don't want any negative reception coming her way."

Ha-chan nodded. "We've got to be careful… even if you do tangle with the mistress, certain hallways only appear when she's conscious. Without her, the paths to the basement may be rendered useless… especially if she were to will it so."

I expected the back entrance to be guarded, which is why I emphasized the roof idea here. I looked down off the roof, at where the cellar door should be…

Oh. What was I worried about? It was just the three screw-ups guarding the door…

Well, here goes nothing…

"It's time to make that money…" I take out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, readying myself on the rail of the roof.

"I-I'm sorry, friends…" Ha-chan hovers up next to me, preparing cyan orbs in her hands.

I leap off the roof top, firing a yellow pellet downward and as I near the floor I activate my second jump, breaking my fall.

"Gaugh!" Komi was shocked as yellow energy crackled around her body, inflicting pain on her momentarily.

"It's him!" Koi shouted, as she fired orange danmaku. She was able to shoot the exploding orbs far faster now, but that didn't matter as much as Namori froze up.

"W-wah!?" Namori turned to Komi, and kept her balanced.

I ran up to Komi, and since the three were grouped…

I smacked Komi with the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, knowing full well the ramifications of that!

Pi~chun! Pi~chun!

Koi was farthest from the blast, so she flew away aside the wall, launched by the blast. "Kyaaah!?"

Ha-chan flew up to her quickly. "I'm so, so sorry!" Cyan orbs charged in her hands…

Pi~chun!

I swung open the cellar door, disheveled and somewhat aching, my ribs definitely feeling the burn. I tucked away the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, and took out the Escape Plan.

I ran at at least twice my normal speed, roaring down the hallway through the darkness; this one went deeper into presumed catacombs under the manor, but I stopped at the red door, light emanating from the crack underneath. I tried to open it- locked!

Tucking away the Escape Plan, I took out Quake Maker and downed Koakuma's magic potion.

Gulp...Gulp...Gulp...Gulp…

Haahh… I could feel the adrenaline, baby! I charged Quake Maker, buffing myself.

Bam… Bam… Boosh! "Koakuma, your wards suck!"

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: FLANDRE BREAKOUT HEIST====

Flandre shot her head up from her pillow, hearing a bamming noise on the door. "What could be…"

Boosh!

"Koakuma, your wards suck!" I charged into the room, Quake Maker battering hanger in arms as I roared across the room.

Ha-chan caught up to me. "T-they're sending a patrol team this way, they found the other maids' score boxes!"

If only I had the OCD to have collected all those score boxes! I had to take a different path, then…

Flandre rubbed her eyes. "What's going on…?"

"They must have reached her! After them!" I heard maids shouting in the hallway behind us…

"Ha-chan, this is where you come in. I need you to put up a good fight for me, a'ight?" I instruct her, patting her on the shoulder.

She turns to me, a determined look on her face… for once. "Leave it to me!"

She zooms out the door, shouting. "You looking for me, bitches!? Come get me!"

...That was a heel-face turn if I ever saw one!

I turn to Flandre. "Come along, Flandre. We're bustin' ya out!"

Flandre begins to smile. "R-really!? Already!?"

I go to the central door. Locked too? No lock is sacred from my mighty Quake Maker!

"No doubt! Stick with me, I can't ensure that we get out alright, but…" I pause. You know what…? "Actually, I can't ensure that I will get out alright. You're escaping, though, no ifs, ands, or buts!"

Bam!... Bam!... Boosh!

The door flew open, leading to intersection hell.

I take out the Escape Plan.

The first cross was full, so I went forward because why not? Flandre flew to the right instead, but we met at the same hallway anyway, somehow. The first step really didn't matter!

Crossroads. This cross had empty space to the right, so I went right, Flandre following me closely.

Crossroads. One whole peg was empty, to the back. I went back, Flandre floating backwards with me.

Crossroads. Finally, three pegs were empty… but forward was full.

I steadied Quake Maker, the Escape Plan held with it precariously, as I charged forward.

"Full force forward!"

Flandre followed me closely as I accelerated into the cellar door, smashing it open with great force.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: FLANDRE BREAKOUT HEIST====

"Yellow-chan… why are we even stationed here? What's so important about this old dusty cellar, anyway?" Maple sighed, slouching.

"I dunno, Maple. Maybe there's some fine wines down there…!" Yellow started drooling.

Maple scowled. "...Yellow-chan, you're a dumba-"

Boom! "Huuaagh!" I roared, demolishing the door, the two halves flying in different directions.

"Holy crap!" Yellow leapt back, shielding herself with her arms.

"Ass!" Maple finished her sentence, rather surprised as she whirled to the door, only to catch a Quake Maker to the face.

Pi~chun!

"M-maple! Oh, no!" Yellow incredulously sees her friend get smashed straight into a wall, exploding into magic as the hanger hammer crushes her.

"We are the gears of war!" I holler, bringing the Quake Maker down threateningly, smashing the floor in front of Yellow.

"Kyeaaah! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Noohoho~!" Yellow hysterically yells, the dust from the strike swirling in the air as she swirled around, sprinting as fast as she could away from the hammer-toting lunatic.

"...Was that really necessary?" Flandre looked to me casually.

"Hahahah… Nope!" I cheerfully answered, grinning widely.

I stashed Quake Maker in my hammerspace bag, and tore the map out of it in exchange. I looked down at it… to the right should be the library, and from there I should be able to find the front foyer.

Wielding the still-equipped Escape Plan, I sprinted down the hallway. "Flandre, this way! Forward charge!"

Behind us, the fairy maid force charged out of the destroyed cellar, having already bested Ha-chan previously. "There! Don't let them escape!"

I look back, still dashing forward. "We've got company!"

Flandre smiled, and turned to a wall, and taking careful aim, she clenched her fist.

BOOM

The wall section was annihilated, creating a storm of dust and debris, and forced the fairy maid brigade to cease their own charge and get their bearings.

We quickly closed in on the double doors to the library. They were wide open, and an angry purple magician was stationed there, expecting us.

"You have some nerve, exploiting the little sister… but there's no way you'll pass one of superior intellect." Patchouli announced.

"Water Sign…" she began. Did danmaku water even count towards a vampire's weakness? I know holy water somehow didn't, but normal running water did. Hmm…

"Princess Undine!"

Voosh! An ice beam flew towards Flandre, and she tanked it with ease. A tidal wave of danmaku water erupted from Patchouli, but utilizing the Escape Plan, I run from it. As it evens out, I double jump, evading the bulk of the wave.

"Drown, leech." Patchouli disdainfully insults me as I painfully run across the shallow danmaku water, immense fatigue traveling up my legs. Flandre was maintaining a cautious balance of evading what water there was and weaving through ice lasers, trying to take minimal damage.

"P-pop quiz… Professor…" I proposed a strained question, dashing through the waves, my speed gaining as I grew worse for wear...

"Hmm?" Patchouli folded her arms, smirking. "Care to ask why my magic strategy and prowess can surpass even that of a blindly-flailing vampire and the man who intends to use her?"

I jump, my legs limply flailing, and then I jumped again, the legs flailing in wildly different directions.

"How long's it take to beat a moron to death!?"

Patchouli fires an ice laser my way, but Flandre flies in front of it, and gets encased in ice, falling down to the waves below.

"T-that impudent fool!" Patchouli began to float away, but with my immense speed…

Thunk!

"M-Mukyuu!" Patchouli reeled back as I clocked her clean across the face with the Escape Plan, and she fell to the floor, waves dissipating as her spellcard was broken.

Flandre, encased in ice, safely smashed against the floor, the ice shattering and Flandre flying free.

"Hwah!" Flandre took a deep breath, free of her icy prison.

I land just behind Patchouli, my legs giving way as I crash to the floor.

"S-sorry… Time's up, yer dead…" I mutter from the floor, reaching for my bag…

"Brad!" Flandre ran up to me, kneeling at me. "A-are you okay!?"

I reach into the bag, and pop out a health potion. "I-I will be, in… a moment." I force out, popping open the potion. Thank fuck for hammerspace sacks! Remilia musta been some kinda god while she had this thing!

Gulp...Gulp...Gulp...Gulp…

Hah…

I lied on the floor awkwardly as I felt myself slowly regenerating. "So uh… how was your day?" I ask Flandre.

Flandre blinks. "Boring, for the most part, but somewhat exciting in places!"

Apt description! "Mine was painful." I smiled.

Flandre pouts. "That's not something to be happy about…"

I clamber to my feet despite the searing pain throbbing in my joints. "W-well…" I stumble, finding my balance. "It is when you've got this!" I brandish the Escape Plan.

"T-that enchantment…" Patchouli writhed on the floor, grasping her head. She coughed a few times, before continuing. "That… is a shoddy enchantment, but…"

Patchouli's eyes turned to Flandre. "Did you…"

Flandre scowled down at her. "What's it to you? I've nothing more to learn from you, at any rate."

Patchouli looked wounded, for a moment, before turning her gaze to the floor. "Very well… leave me to my devices, you two. Go on, get out of here, and get out of this mansion. You will meet resistance, to be certain, but if you could best me, you could best Remi."

Flandre snorted. "You're not comparable to my sister. I'd take time to teach you your place, but I'm sure Remi would be even angrier with me then."

I walked up to Patchouli, and placed a tan tome in front of her face. "This was on your familiar. I dunno why she was carrying some book, but if anyone could use more books, it's you. Have a book." I finish, before walking off. "Let's get out of here, Flandre."

Flandre nods. "Yeah…"

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: FLANDRE BREAKOUT HEIST====

Patchouli looks at the tome, surprised. Hadn't he wanted this for… reasons described by… her familiar…

...Her familiar…

Patchouli glared at the tome, realizing she may have committed a grievous error.

"T-that gods be damned succubus… fucking did it again... "

Patchouli's vision waned, as she blacked out, fatigue setting in.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: FLANDRE BREAKOUT HEIST====

We reach the front foyer in record time, and greeting us there was the headmistress of the manor herself, Remilia Scarlet.

"Well, well, well… What have we here?" Remilia turned around, gazing at us from the bottom of the staircase. Hell if I know how we got on the upper level, but uh…

"Sandy claws, huh? Ooooh, I'm very scared!" I recited the line of the Oogie Boogie man, because I just had to.

Remilia glares at me. "...I will eviscerate you for manipulating my sister. Speaking of…" her glare shifts to her sister, "...if such a man can clearly influence you so easily, you're of no state to be leaving that basement. This is a matter of safe-"

Flandre talked over her, "Safety? Safety!? Who's safety? Mine, or other's? Either or, neither are ensured by dingy stone walls, disdainful mages, or scornful maids!"

Remilia's glare intensified, her eyes widening with rage. "Fine, then! How about none of those things!?..." Remilia takes a deep breath. "...I give you what I can, Flan."

Flandre glared at her. "That's a lie. Tell me…"

Remilia simply stared at her. "Very well."

Flandre smirks. "For what profit is it to a man if he gains the world, and loses his own soul?"

I looked to Flandre somewhat surprised, knowing the origins of that quote...

Remilia gives a single, stark "Hah!".

The two wordlessly glared at each other from there, and I felt a little uncomfortable being part of this exchange now… family squabbles weren't really my thing if I could help it!

Remilia brought out Gungnir, aiming it with her arm.

"Behold my true power, and despair!"

Flandre brought out Laevateinn. "I ill need safety from you, and the world needs not fear me!"

Daahhh, those are some heavy weapons… and as satisfying as it would be to try and hit Remilia with the Hydraulic right now, I think I'd literally be vaporized if I leapt in…

I watched the sparks fly as Remilia and Flandre's weapons clashed, a huge wave of power surging out, knocking me back into the hallway.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: FLANDRE BREAKOUT HEIST====

Violence audibly resounded from the foyer as I ran deeper into the mansion. I don't think that was a fight I could help much with, even if I wanted to! I wouldn't do alot of good as a red smear on the floor!

Boom! Blam! Boom!

I looked ahead to the oncoming fairy maid horde, who've apparently caught up.

"You, there! You're coming with us!"

I pulled out Flame Dispenser. "It's time for some barbequed fairy wings!"

The fairies didn't react, charging towards me as if I were powerless, so I turned Flame Dispenser on full blast,

Fwoooosh…!

Flames licked across the horde as I kited them as well as I could. I took a few bullets here or there, but that was okay because I got to see the fairies burn and explode into more fire which in turn caused more burning.

"Can you feel the heat!?" I yelled, going around like it was freakin' survival horde mode, yo.

The fairies eventually stopped funneling in like lunatics, opting to fall back and cut their losses instead.

I stood idly in the hallway, and stretched. Flandre and Remilia were fighting, Patchouli was down and out somewhere, and Sakuya, for whatever reason, wasn't even here.

I walked through the halls until I reached "Fort Fuck-You" again, and peeled some uh, panties off the furniture.

...How'd the fuck those get on- whatever…

I threw the stuff into the empty door ahead, all of it falling to the room below. Have fun with that, guys! I slid into my little table tomb, and pulled out my 3DS. No matter where I went, I was stuck without someone to do something about the front gate, and uh… I didn't wanna fight the fairy maids too much more; I only had so much mana to spend on throwing flames as it were!

Thudthudthudthud… Boompf! Boom, boom, boom!

Help, domestic squabbling! Make it stop!

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: FLANDRE BREAKOUT HEIST====

I finished up my game of Smash 4, somewhat wishing I had games other than Smash 4 on me. The sounds of violence had long since dissipated, and I had been playing on the floor for a few hours, keeping the 3DS light low so as to not use up too much battery.

Sakuya appeared in front outside, and tore the end table in front of my face away and peeked in.

"...What the hell happened when I was away?" she tiredly asked, before sitting down in the hallway, her uniform disheveled.

I grin, and stare at her. "Pain."

She rolls her eyes. "Clearly."

After a few moments, my curiosity piqued. "...Where were you, anyhow?"

"Incident." Sakuya gave a one-word reply as she sat against the wall, looking at the opposite wall.

"...To my knowledge, Koakuma did some shady shieut and made everyone hate me… and that led to a domestic sqeeble squabble between the little ones." I answered her previous inquiry.

"...Half a fucking day was all I was out for and the place already goes to shit…" Sakuya sighs. "My room got bisected by one of Milady's stray Gungnir tosses…"

I scoot over. "Hop on in. It's tight as frik, but it somehow fits two. I'd know, Patchouli survived in here without getting crushed, so it gets her seal of approval, yo."

Sakuya sighs, and crawls into the table tomb with me. "Any funny shit and you're gonna be in tomorrow's dinner, understood? Good, whatever, good night." Sakuya rolled over, facing the coffee table.

I resume playing Smash 4 late into the whatever-hours-this-was-because-these-hallways-don't-have-windows, before falling asleep myself.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

" _...have been set in motion."_

 _I leapt to the side, evading the rocks, which exploded like grenades, releasing a poisonous green smoke cloud on explosion._

" _Booh! Shraahah!" More rocks!_

 _Whipping out God Hand, I slapped one of the armored beings across the side of the face with it, an orb of light forming on impact and vaporizing it from the torso up._

" _Graaah!" One swung its cruel dark blade like a club… and it pretty much was. I brought God Hand up to block it._

" _The Fifinijir must not be stopped…"_

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

I rose my head from the carpet, somewhat uncomfortable. I look to my left, and see Sakuya still passed out, sprawled out and taking up way too much real estate! I push out the end table again, and find Remilia and Flandre sitting together outside, seated on some rocks around a bigger rock.

Remilia was sipping tea, while Flandre curiously eyed a hole in the wall that wasn't there when I fell asleep… infact, this whole hallway was still structured when I fell asleep! I thought they stopped way earlier! Patchouli sat on a rock behind them, slowly heating a plate of waffles with fire magic.

"...That succubus could fly three thousand miles until her wings fall off. Then, once she takes one, fucking, step on this planet, I will kick her ass." Remilia scornfully said, arms folded.

"But be careful who you call, because your friends are ninjas too!" I crawled out of Fort Fuck-you, but uh, it had a rock on top of it, cementing the tables in place. No wonder it looked a little weird, all the tables are slightly embedded in the floor! Holy shit!

Flandre and Patchouli turned to me in surprise, but Remilia smirked. "I see you made it out fine in all that carnage."

I shrugged. "I dunno yo, as fine as fine can be. I drank so many potions the past few days that I'm probably going to throw up my entire intestinal track when I do have to."

Patchouli sighed. "I'll make you a plate, aswell…"

Remilia locked eyes with me. "Where'd Koakuma go anyhow? I have… words, to be certain, for her."

I pointed where I thought the lake'd be. "Should be tied up at the great fairy's house, vines and stuff. Found some interesting stuff in her pockets!" I took out the comfy-looking rope…

"...Please, don't show us any more. I don't need to know what my familiar gets up to…" Patchouli scowls at the rope, sighing.

"What? Don't you want to know how much kinky fairy sex she has in her spare time?"

Remilia spat her tea out, sputtering.

I take out The Escape Plan, and turn to Flandre. "...Well, we didn't exactly escape, now did we?" I grin sheepishly.

Flandre eyes it, but Remilia speaks up first, recovering from almost drowning in her tea. "W-what's that you've got there…?"

I look to Flandre, and she nods.

"It's an escape plan your little sister here devised to, well, escape. She entrusted it to me. Why she didn't just use a piece of paper, I dunno…"

Flandre spoke up. "It's because of the stories I heard. They made plant hangers seem cool."

Huh. I would say I never thought of things that way… but I have infact thought of things that way because I'm at least somewhat arrogant, but that's besides the point!

Remilia eyed her near empty teacup, scowling at it, before looking up at Flandre and smirking. "I see you've figured things out. I've misjudged you."

Patchouli sets down one plate of waffles. "You eat those… preferably after you vacate your innards of the potion waste. Go use that hole or something, and come back and eat before you die of presumed starvation."

I was feelin' a little funny…

I walk over to the open, blown-out door. "Could you uh.. just uh, give me a second…"

Patchouli sighed. "Go ahead, get it out…"

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

That was unpleasant! I folded the waffles up and devoured them in moments, quickly scarfing them down.

"...I'm sorry." Remilia folded her arms, looking away.

I dunno who she was talking to, me or Flandre, so I just kept munching the waffles…

Remilia turned to Flandre, inadvertently answering my unspoken question. "You have every right to leave if you wish to… I've been a bad big sister, Flan…"

Flandre suddenly hugged her. "...No you aren't, Remi. You… tried, and I appreciate it."

I kinda wanted to laugh at that! I expected her to go "no you're actually a really good big sister blah blah" but she up and was like "well, you tried, e for effort, but yeah you kinda sucked". I agreed though, it was uh, a thing...

I held it in, though, the laugh I mean. I didn't need to have the waffles extracted out of me by force…

Flandre broke the hug, smiling. "I think I'll stay, but on one condition…"

Remilia looked pleasantly surprised, eyes widening. "W-what?"

"...I need an actual room for once! That, or we need to seriously overhaul that musty basement! It smells, too!"

And so Koakuma's wild ride came to an end, all passengers accounted for and safe by the end. Well, except for Koakuma. When we found her, we'd probably collectively beat the shit out of her or something.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

CHAPTER 9 END

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Hunter, Plant Hanger Master, Scarlet Liberator

PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Maker - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes due to an upgrade. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder.

INVENTORY:

Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Dispenser - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Upgraded to have a nozzle with which the weapon can be utilized as a flame thrower with.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Hydraulic- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Mundane, but practical in the eyes of a few. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Due to a dark amulet upgrade, it may be used to cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. When highly charged with buffs, the scythe can even inflict instantaneous death upon certain enemies who are not inherently immune to dark elemental things; although it's general consensus that instant death is ineffective against anyone of any real power, as they'd probably resist the effects.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Marks the wielder for death, dropping instant death resistance to zero and forces them to take 25% increased damage from all sources, but Flandre wasn't aware of the negatives when she created it. Different from the dark-elemental hanger in that this converts missing health into pure speed and none into power, and the increased damage isn't as punishing.

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Fancy operating cross v.2.0 - Allows control and summoning of a London doll, along with some basic commands.

PARTY:

London, the Doll - Defensive unit, able to hold positions and provide cover-fire. Command is slightly dynamic, sporting defensive and offensive modes. Able to be used for more intricate operations; although seems to be strangely absent if the operating cross is in the hammerspace sack this time…

Hana, the Generic Fairy Maid with a Stalking Fixation - A cyan-haired fairy maid from the Scarlet Devil Mansion with a record for stalking. Can fire small spreads of cyan orbs, and apparently specializes in electrical magics, although her ineptitude in combat abilities doesn't show it most of the time. Probably ranks around the same as the other fairy maids. Timid, but cute!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Fairy power!

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE: welcome, friends

alright, this chapter was alot of fun to write and almost wrote itself for me at many points, but… i want feedback, was this chapter fitting? it was a shade more serious than the others, but in a built-up way, not because a technicolor asshole from the stars came down and was slightly more intimidating than the average combatant, but because actual character things happened with pre-established characters, and it wasn't sudden as all hell (at least i think…)

tried to include what humor i could at any rate, and keep it not forced!

was this serious arc 2serious4u or did i catch things just right, im curious

at any rate i feel koakuma's pov was freakin boring since people did kinda come here for humor (*cough* it's in the genre listing…!) and she was mostly serious but aye dunno maybe im overthinking things

also atoned for my previous sins of making everything brad does that involves him an incident by having reimu go "hold the fucking phone these are barely incidents compared to everything else to have ever existed" and freakin laying me out proper

i feel like the whole remi/flandre tussle thing is cliched but the way it was enacted was kinda unique at the very least; i dunno if i managed to hit people right in the FEELS or not but that was kinda what i wanted to go for

...dunno how koakuma's not going to get gibbed for this instance though since i kinda wanna not totally throw her under the bus; we'll see how things play out

was the Escape Plan too much of a macguffin? i feel it fit just right with the context, all things considered, and it's honestly not that different from darker than dark / sharper than darkness / whatever aside from speed orientation; ai coulda made him use the bee-sheventeen boomer or whatever to shoot patchouli at that one point instead of run at her, probably, but i had the escape plan in my hands and used that instead

the whole idea was to go SONIC SPEEED and get the hell out of the mansion but i realized that if remilia were to stand in the way, a man of many plant hangers really couldn't compare if both sisters went all-out demolition derby on each other

miscommunication costs mansions, kids!... it really does! make a house a home, and try some communications today!...yay!

in any case see you by the time i finish like chapter ten thousand or something because setting the incident counter back to zero since CH6 effectively makes the last few chapters zero progress towards the incident tally- although they're not irrelevant filler by any means

see you all next time!


	10. Build a Combat Ship and Sail It

(in which fluffles)

We sat in what was left of the dining room, Sakuya trying to get the kitchen back in order.

"W-what happened…?" Meiling awkwardly asked, looking around the smashed mansion.

"Pain." I supplied, scowling at nothing in particular.

Meling looked mildly distressed by my explanation, but chose to say no more. No one else bothered to elaborate on my explanation, and I suppose Meiling got the memo.

Fluffles crawled around the ruined sections, emitting snuggly coos and sometimes colliding with each other and tussling. Friendly!

Remilia looked around, annoyed. "Not those bloody twats again…"

Flandre eyed the fluffles. "Those things tried to steal my hanger earlier! They're kinda soft, though… and they don't seem like they can be kyuu'd."

Flandre demonstrated by aiming at one, and clenching her fist.

BOOM

...The wall was taken out, many fluffles squirming from the woodworks, but the one at the epicenter of the blast was a-okay. As they crawled around, fluffy coos resounded through the dining room.

...I really wish I had instant death resistance. I'm weak, too! It woulda helped alot in many of my endeavors!

Sakuya walked out tiredly, and placed some pancakes in front of Remilia…

...only for a fluffle to fall from the ceiling and squirm in place all over Remilia's pancakes.

Remilia's expression subtly grew grimmer, as she calmly lifted the fluffle. "...You're gonna die for that."

A fluffle fell from the ceiling and into my lap. "Waaal!"

I hug it. "Waaal to you too, friend…"

It squirmed a bit before giving up and accepting the affection, as I took it in a cradle grasp, moving to the window.

"I shall show you the world!" I yell, and then after a few swings of my cradling arms, I let go of it and let it fly out the window. "Shining shimmering world! Go, meet the world!"

Thud.

The fluffle landed on the floor. "Waaalll…"

Freakin' cuddly.

I turned around to find my chair was being taken away by fluffles.

Flandre swung Laevateinn around, as fluffles began approaching her from all sides.

Bam! Kaboom! Bla-bam!

The nearby fluffles were no more, and so was the dining room table.

"Where the hell are all these fluffles coming from!?" Remilia shouted, swatting fluffles off her plate of pancakes, which now had a pile of dust on them.

"W-well…" Meiling sheepishly grinned, multiple fluffles slowly climbing her outfit.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

We stood at the front gate, where multiple wood forts on wheels clogged the way through. Thus, fluffles just crawled in by traversing over the forts themselves rather than try to drive them in anymore.

"I-I took one out and went to sleep… and when I woke up I was in a sea of dust!" Meiling exclaimed, nervous. "I tried smashing the ones that were there, but uh… it's like I destroy one and ten take its place! It's unfair!"

Remilia laughed. "Well, I think it's time to put last night's sparring to the test…"

Flandre looked at the forts all congested in the gate. She turns to Remilia, grinning. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Remi~?"

The two ready themselves, and then speed off towards the sea of wheel-forts.

Fluuuu-Whaaam!

Flandre brings down Laevateinn vertically, sending a huge line of flames erupting from the floor, sending multiple forts flying and causing many to spontaniously combust.

"Red the Nightless Castle!"

Fwahahaaaash!

Remilia flew forth, huge waves of scarlet energy emanating forth from her, vaporizing many forts and crippling most others.

Within a few attacks and a couple minutes, the fluffle invasion was brought to a screeching halt. The remaining forts maintained a cautious distance from the manor's walls, respecting the power displayed by the vampires.

A single fluffle with a poofy top hat comes forth through the gate, just behind Remilia and Flandre after they had finished up and returned to the gate.

"friends! i ask you to desist!" the fluffle shouted, raising its fins.

The two vampires turned, giving menacing smiles to the fluffle.

"if you dont comply with the new age… uh…" The fluffle took out a piece of paper from somewhere, and squinted at it. "...the new fluff order, we must reclaim this property!"

"You mean if you don't leave, we'll destroy you, yes?" Remilia revises the terms of the agreement.

The fluffle raises its fins again, alarmed. "friend, no! we seek new lands and new homes and we want your lands so theyre ours now" it finished, expression turning neutral.

"And how might you go about that, hmm?" Remilia smirked, bringing some of her hair back with one hand.

"well" It looked around. "i brought friends"

The earth shook, a mighty lumbering wooden construct fell from the sky and embedded itself partially in the ground outside the gates.

"help! help!" It waved its fins, as the lumbering wooden mech stood from the crater, stomping slowly towards the mansion.

Two weathered eyes were carved onto the wooden creation, with a jaw of metal accenting it. Large, chunky iron spikes made for the two arms, attached to iron sockets.

"stand tall and strong, mighty oak! show them the forest is still a place to be afraid of!" wailed the fluffle, waving its fins and smiling widely.

With that, the fluffle started to flee…

"You're not getting away from me!" Remilia soared after the fluffle, and Flandre followed her.

"Hey, uh friends!... Friends?" I shouted out, as the two mistresses of the manor took off after the official-ish fluffle… leaving us to this giant wooden guardian.

The mech scratched its two spikes against each other, sparks flying off and a rather horrible grating noise being produced.

"Woohoohaah…" I instinctively reached for my ears, but the sound had already passed and I gave up on covering them.

"Take this!" Meiling flew towards the mech and gave a flying kick to its face, flipping backward as she rebounded off it.

"It's made from some pretty strong oak, to be certain!" Meiling ascertained, surveying the opponent.

"Today's not a good day for wood, I'd hazard…" Sakuya flew towards the mech, sending a spiraling array of jagged red knives at it.

Thu-thu-thu-thunk!

I heard the knives all collide against the wood in rapid succession, a blaze quickly starting and licking across the entire mech.

It slammed its arms down into the earth, and instantly the flames went out.

Green magic circles filled the air around Meiling, and she was suddenly tossed down to the floor.

"Agh!" Meiling crashed into the floor, but got back up with haste. "T-that was a heavy… one…" Meiling suddenly grew drowsy, and fell over.

Sakuya's eyes widened. "Meiling!?" Teleporting over, she lifted the gate keeper, and teleported back to the manor's porch with them.

She sets down Meiling. "I just got out of trying to help with that other god-forsaken incident, and not only is the mansion trashed, but there's these, these… little monsters everywhere! Goddamn it!"

She vanishes, re-appearing in the air over the mech.

"Illusion sign! Killer doll!"

Knives poured out like water, berating the wooden giant, innumerable strikes echoing out through the manor's courtyard.

The mech marched forward through the knives and flames, and through the front gate. Suddenly, it leaped into the air, Sakuya twirling out of the way as she barely grazed it having been hovering nearly directly over it. The mech landed with another earthquake-inducing landing.

"That thing's surprisingly agile for a giant block of wood!" I yell out, brandishing Flame Dispenser as it nears me. I saw the scorch marks on its wooden exterior, but it took surprisingly little damage all things considered compared to the wide variety of knives that drilled into it.

Meiling rouses from the floor, stretching. "Haaahhh…"

Fwooosh…

I let loose a stream of flames into the back of the Mighty Oak, the flames seemingly doing buggerall. I hoped this was doing something!

Knives flew in from different angles towards the hunk of wood, achieving similar results.

Meiling snapped into alertness, noticing the big slow wooden golem making its way towards the manor's doorway.

She ran forward, and the metal spike was shot from the Mighty Oak. Meiling leaped onto the side of it and used it as a platform from which to jump from. Like that, she sent a flying kick into the face of the golem, forcing it to stagger.

"Hyeaah!" Meiling roared, soaring away from it.

The mighty block of wood stumbled backwards, and I took this opportunity to activate Flame Dispenser again.

Fwooosh…

...not like it was doing much!

The Mighty Oak stomped on the floor, and Meiling reacted instantly, jumping out of the way of some pointy logs, as if they were part of a palisade wall at one point. Said pointed logs had pierced the porch of the manor, jutting into the air at jagged angles.

"It'll take more skilled moves than that to take me by surprise!" Meiling made a pose, and braced herself.

Having been sufficiently convinced that Meiling'd have to be fought later, it whirled around to face me.

"Ahah… hello friend!" I waved my hand, backing away as fast as possible.

The great mighty lump stomped again, and more green magical circles surrounded me, filling the air with an… almost comforting feeling…

...before slamming me to the floor. Ouuuch!

"Gufah!" I felt my saliva fly from my mouth as I was forcefully brought to the floor. Suddenly, calm washed over my body, like as if I was listening to a really good ASMR video…

"Ah-aah…" Drowsiness got the better of me as I drifted to sleep on the battlefield, Sakuya's face being the last thing I see before I'm out like a light.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

 _I was in a dark room, surrounded by the large mean fluffles and we all sat around a cheap plastic table, staring at a board game. The board game depicted a fluffle opening said board game, and a pillar of fire washing over its face. The fluffle looked alarmed, an exclamation mark drawn next to it to signify that._

 _The game was called "Oh Shit: A Game of Regret."_

 _The fluffle across from me went to open it, and all of its friends started wailing at it, chiding it not to open it._

" _Hold on, hold on!" I yelled reaching for the box…_

 _FWOOM_

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

I shot awake. Hooohh, shit! "Faaack!"

I was greeted to Meiling's briefly surprised glance at me as I was being held in her arms, and I heard the thrusting of wood from somewhere. I felt wind roar against me as Meiling leapt around with me in her arms, evading the wooden pillars.

Landing, Meiling set me down and started to dash off again. I jumped back from a wooden log, but the rest kept following Meiling as they shot up.

I reached for my sack, and pulled out Sharper Than Darkness, feeling the dark power flow into me and my blood begin to rush.

"Let us split the wood!" I exclaimed, dashing towards the lumbering lumber of lumb...ness?

At any rate, it wasn't paying attention to me, now focused on Meiling again as I rushed up to it and jammed Sharper Than Darkness into its back… and got it stuck.

I start tugging at it, "Oh, crap…" before I put my legs into it and start trying really freakin' hard to pull it out. I succeed, and Sharper Than Darkness flies away and into one of the logs behind me, and I fly off into the floor. Alotta good that did!

The bark of the mech was littered with red knives, but only faint scorching persisted across the outer bark. A few of the places I torched had faint scorching.

It moved towards some of the logs it created, and tore them from the earth. From there, it forcefully rolled one against the ground to peel off the bark, the bark instantly being carved and bent into a platform of sorts. It then pounded the logs into the edges and corners of the bark. Lifting it, most of the bark fell away, but fluffles rushed up from outside the gate and away from the direction Remilia and Flandre had gone in.

The fluffles were making alarmed wails and coos as they fled past the gate, but some entered and filed towards the fort as the Mighty Oak held it, before filing into it. Like that, an entirely new fluffle fort was constructed.

"...So that's where baby forts come from…" I stare at the creation, as it starts to mobilize out the front gate, but Meiling cuts it off and punches through the palisade walling.

Bam! Bam!

"Waaal!" ...but Meiling, they were fluffy!

Bam!

The fort fell apart, the palisades all toppling down and the fluffles worriedly scurried from the fort and off to parts unknown.

"Is that all you've got!? Only one of them!?" Meiling roared out, getting pumped up.

Fed up with doing fancy special moves, the Mighty Oak charged Meiling, whose aura seems to have been gaining more and more momentum the more stuff she got to smash.

It swung its arm to the right, and Meiling leaped up and punched it in the face. Reeling back, Meiling kicked it again, forcing it to slide towards the door of the manor. After it recovered, Meiling was already on it again with a series of punches slamming into it and forcing it against the wall of the manor, which creaked and cracked under the weight of the wooden machine.

"You're up against the wall, and I am the fucking wall!" Meiling readied herself.

"Three Blasts! Colorful Ultimate Mountain Breaker!"

Three technicolor orbs, one of them being Meiling's fist itself, made for the Mighty Oak, and upon their simultanious contact, the machine tipped over and fell into the wall of the manor, taking some of it down with it, but rendering the Might Oak upon its back.

It flailed its limbs, and wiggled its legs, but ultimately it was unable to move anymore, not connecting with anything solid enough for it to help reposition itself.

Meiling took a deep breath, and calmed herself down.

I did a little jump. "Woohoo! We tipped it over! Fuck that one mech in particular!"

Sakuya floated down. "It was ironically resistant to fire, all things considered."

I shrugged. "That, or we just didn't have any truly powerful fire attacks and instead were all doing vaguely fire accented attacks. Minus my flamethrowing, but I'm not a particularly powerful anything, so yaknow…"

From behind us, a huge vibration shook the manor. We whirled around to see a huge mushroom cloud extending out of the nearby forest somewhere, flaming palisade bits raining from up above into the forest below.

"...I think they found their little hidey hole." I stared up at the explosion in awe.

"...At least that's over and done with." Sakuya sighed, turning back to the manor. "Ahhh… this is gonna be a bitch to repair…"

I look at it, and start to raise a hand to Sakuya's shoulder. "...Well, at least-"

A section of wall toppled inward, wood particles flying out of the wreckage.

"...nevermind." I lower my hand, rethinking my previous statement.

Meiling chuckles nervously. "U-uh… what happened last night, anyway?"

I look to her. "P-"

"I'll rip out your tongue if you say 'pain' one more time." Sakuya glared at me.

"-aa~nworks!" I finished.

"Panworks." Meiling confirmed, staring blankly at me.

"Panworks! You see, the mistresses are really enthusiastic about their pots and pans." I assure, sticking a thumb up.

"...Sure they are." Meiling walks towards the manor. "I'll get everyone ready for construction…"

Sakuya walks in after her. "Make sure we have enough hard-hats this time, and make sure they're not scarlet like the walls. Last time we used the scarlet ones, everyone somehow got lost in the hallways they didn't even build yet."

I watched them walk inside and close the door behind them.

Remilia and her sister came back to the gate, and Remilia was holding a fluffle by the legs.

"We're ho~me!" Remilia rang out, a satisfied smirk on her face. Flandre reached for the fluffle, and Remilia gave it to her. Flandre squeezed the fluffle.

"Fluffy…" Flandre nuzzled it.

"i lived a good life" The fluffle seems to have accepted its fate.

Reimu, Marisa, and Youmu suddenly flew up towards the gate aswell.

Marisa whistled. "What the hell happened here, ze?"

I smiled. "The magenta apocalypse. I stopped it though, and all it took was a little plant hanger grease."

Reimu rolled her eyes. "Anyone who can actually tell us what happened, or am I going to have to start beating people up?"

Remilia walked up to Reimu. "If you see a certain succubus running around outside, beat her up and bring her back to me. That is all."

Reimu scowled. "I'm not the maid, you know. I actually work for a living."

I turned to her, surprised. "I thought your donation box was empty…"

Marisa answered my question. "It is empty, ze. I dunno what Reimu's gettin' at…"

Reimu bonks Marisa over the head with her gohei. "They didn't need to know that!"

Folding her arms, Youmu sighed. "I'm pretty sure everyone already knows that…"

Reimu turned to her. "Quiet, you. You only make half a living."

Youmu smiled, as if pleasantly surprised. "Oh, you mean I actually make anything?"

Groaning, Reimu gave up her attempts to convince everyone that she did infact make money. She didn't.

I spoke up, actually pushing the conversation along. "If you guys really wanna know what happened…"

====INCIDENT COMP-

Both Remilia and Reimu ripped the incident summary slip out of my hands, each receiving half of it.

"They don't need to know about that!" Remilia shouts at me, ripping her half into little pieces.

Reimu looked surprised for a moment, then got angry. "Hey, I needed that half of a sheet! Yukari only gives me like ten of these at a time! I still need those other two back from Brad that he took!"

Hearing the mention of Yukari, I instinctively reached for my 3DS and flipped it open.

"Did somebody-"

Beep! Recording…

"-mention little 'ol me?" Yukari opened a gap, and lowered out of it upside down.

"No. Go away. We're closed, for good." Reimu replied, hunching a bit in frustration.

"Oh, I didn't know Reimu had such command over this manor's gates! How foolish of me…" Yukari rotated her gap, bringing her upright as she pulled out a fan and brought it over her face.

Remilia was about to irately comment on Yukari's teasing, but before she could...

I took out Swift Brand and held it out over the camera, then turned it to me and pointed it at my face. "Hey, Leego! How's that for a video!?"

Yukari's head poked out around my shoulder, somewhat obscured by my hair, before whispering in my ear. "What's that you got there~?"

Woah!

I whirled around, pointing my camera to her as she retreated back into her gap and closed it. I felt arms come up from under me and grab my 3DS out of my hands, from within my grasp aswell!

"Oooh, making a video to show your friend, I see?" Yukari tries to angle the 3DS so she can see it past my hair, but fails.

"No, you don't see. I'm pretty sure, too." I try to struggle for my 3DS, and in doing so pull Yukari out of her gap and we both fall to the floor.

Remilia looked down vainly. "...Yakumo, I thought I told you not to molest young men on my property."

"You didn't say I couldn't take it outside~!" Yukari shouted from the tangled mess on the floor. I could feel something soft against my back… wohoohaaah no!

Precariously, we untangled ourselves from each other, and Yukari fell through a gap, and then came out in an upright position. She stopped the recording, looking satisfied. "I think I know where you were going with this… and rest assured, I share the same sentiment."

I look to her curiously. "...What does that mean, exactly?" Yukari was using the more serious words, and of anyone I knew Yukari could really fuck some shit up when she felt mischievous!

She smiled in a carefree manner. "Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. Nothing that you'd protest, at any rate."

I don't like your tone, missy…!

With a mildly conflicted expression left on my face, Yukari retreated back into her gap, taking my 3DS with her.

"...I dunno how to feel about that!" I voice, looking around awkwardly. Suddenly, Youmu is dropped into a gap.

"Waah!" The gap shut, sealing her in. Good game, Youmu.

I looked up at the sky, the sun signalling it as mid-day.

"God dammit, Yukari!" Reimu shouted to the sky, fists clenched. Taking a deep breath, she calms down.

"...Regardless, there doesn't seem to be anything here for us. Come on, Marisa." Reimu begins to fly off right away.

Marisa shoots her head to her, surprised. "A-already, ze!? Shouldn't we-"

Reimu cuts her off. "Nope. Come on." She continues flying.

Pouting, Marisa follows. I stare at them leave, heading off in the direction of the shrine again.

I stretch. "Wonder what that was all about…" I shut my eyes, taking in the atmosphere…

I open them and Sakuya is in front of me.

"Woohohaah!" I leap back, startled.

"We are in dire need of supplies. Here," she hands me a bag full of yen, and on inspection it appears to be around seventy thousand yen. "Food, building materials, and furniture would be appreciated. Whatever you can get with that."

I look at the yen; with any luck I'd find a fluffle stand soon or something!

Ha-chan floats up beside me. "Are you heading out?"

I look to her, a bit surprised she was alive and kicking. "A-ah, yeah. To the village, for much glory!" I exclaimed.

Ha-chan smiled. "I'm coming with. Besides, it's getting late, and I don't want you out too far into the night…"

I shrug. "I could probably beat the shit out of a couple youkai at this point… but I really don't wanna meet any more headless horseman-tiered assholes!"

I walk out of the weathered manor gates, and start spinning up my yin-yang flail-o-copter.

"Let's get goin'!" I call out, floating into the sky as Ha-chan starts floating off with me.

From the floor, Sakuya stares at us depart. "...He'd best come back with at least something…"

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

I landed just outside the Hakurei Shrine, and walked inside.

"Hello, friends!" I call out… only to find no one...

"Waauuhh…" ...except for a certain oni.

"Hello, Suika!" I called out to her.

"Waa~hoo!" Suika walked into the room from another part of the shrine, gourd raised in the air.

"Do you know where the others went?" I asked her, starting for the door already as there wasn't a whole lot for me here with no one around...

"Aahh~... They went thatta way!" Suika pointed in some strange direction that I couldn't quite make out…

"...Thanks!" I reply. I wasn't really thankful, though…

"Any time…!" Suika replies, chugging her gourd again. Yeah, she's totally hammered…

I walk outside and look around briefly. I see something a little funny, so I walk around the shrine…

...and I find a pile of technicolor armor bits and pieces from that computer tower. A rope fence is loosely placed around it, with a sign on it labeled "Compost Pile".

I chuckle, before making for the front path of the shrine again, and start spinning my yin-yang flail. Ha-chan is floating in the sky above the shrine, waiting for me.

I hover up to join her, and she turns to me. "How'd it go?"

"No one was home, and the oni was hammered!" I replied, tilting the flail in the direction of the human village.

"Ahhh…" Ha-chan hums in acknowledgement, following me.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

I walk up to the gate of the human village, to meet a not-so gruff guard. Right, that captain dude died too… alot of humans here were dying, actually!

"Hey… ah, you need to get in?" he awkwardly asks as I stare at him and the gate.

I smile. "Nah, I just came here to stare at the gate all day."

He nods quickly, as if in realization. "Ah, oh, okay. Well, don't let me bother you…"

We stand there for a few ginger moments… before I decide things need to happen!

My head jerks over to him. "What do you think I came here for!?"

He jumps back. "I-I don't know, youkai are weird sometimes! Don't hurt me!"

I groan. "Mate, I'm not a youkai! How many times you blokes need to get it through your thick skulls?"

He jerks back. "I-I don't know, dude! Look, you want in or not, 'cause I don't got all day, and being a guard is hard!"

I roll my eyes. "You probably stand out here all day, don't go shitting me. Yeah, I do want in! Open the bloody gate!" I shout at him. Guards were annoying!

"Fine, maybe I will let you in! See how you like it!" He furiously begins opening the reel behind him, and it started sliding open.

"Fine! Thank you, and goodbye!" I yell at him, entering, Ha-chan following timidly behind me.

"You're welcome, you filthy animal!" the guard yells back, closing the gate again.

That was an experience!

I walk into the village, and instantly I realize… Keine Kamiwhatsherface probably wants me freakin' destroyed! I decide to take the back roads instead…

"Why are we going this way?" Ha-chan looks at me somewhat questioningly.

"Reasons." I provide.

"...You're not helping…" Ha-chan looks a little nervous, but carries on regardless.

We're on a somewhat isolated back road, even if it's still packed with shops of all sorts. I pass a quaint little furniture store, and decide to walk in…

Inside are some rather generic tables, chairs, and other things of the sort. No one's in right now, and I kinda wanted to keep the yen, so…

I open my hammerspace sack. It's payday, fellas!

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

Harold returned from his lunch break, opening the door to his shop. "Alright, Mary. Have a good day."

"You too, honey." a woman replied from the other side of the door, as Harold closed it.

Harold turned to the front foyer of his shop… to see all his handiwork gone. He froze up, and saw two figures outside, walking off with nothing, but…

Harold climbed onto the counter, clumsily maneuvering over it as he crashed to the floor on the other side. Feverishly he climbed to his feet and ran to the front door, kicked it open, and ran outside.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

I walked out of the store, satisfied. Ha-chan glared at me. "That was wrong, you know…"

I shrug. "Well, c'mon- I doubt he's gonna miss half that haphazardly thrown together crap…"

Out from the store ran a man, who instantly locked his eyes on me and ran towards me. "You!"

Oh, shit, was I discovered already!?

"Did you see anyone suspicious go by with furniture?" he asked, distressed and sweating.

Ah… well in that case. "I dunno, this street's been empty as far as I can see… why?"

"My-my work…" he dropped to his knees, mourning the lost furniture.

...I'm not gonna lie, I felt bad now! "Well uh, see you later, then…"

...Note to self, make it up to that guy later! I take a good look at his store, and try to etch where it is in my mind… I'd have to go furniture raiding at Eientei again or something and bring him back some goodies.

"...Fucking youkai!" I heard the man yell out into the sky, some villagers stopping to glance at him, before continuing on their way. I just made human to youkai relations that much worse!

Ha-chan glares at me again. "...I can't believe you…"

I put up a hand. "Yo, yo… I'll bring him some furniture from elsewhere later, I feel kinda bad about that too, yo."

She rolls her eyes, looking away. Baahh…

We pass a group of kids being lead by a teacher, and said teacher freezes, and her head jerks to me.

Oh, boy.

"You…" Said teacher is Keine Kami-hooha!

"Me!" I exclaim, pointing a thumb to myself.

"...I won't do anything in front of the children. Leave, now. I will find you, and I will kill you. Mark my words, this village will be saved before the day is done." Keine doesn't blink during that entire sentence.

"That's nice, Kami-whatever the hell your name is. I assume you didn't find that ruler, then…" I don a shit-eating grin.

Her left eye twitches, and she sighs, before whirling around to face her students again. "Alright, come along class! We've got more of the village to inspect today!"

Ha-chan turns to me, a little disturbed. "What's uh… W-whats with her?"

I shrug. "Fuck if I know, she keeps assuming I'm conspiring against the village or something…"

Ha-chan looks at my sack… the hammerspace one, eheh… "Well, it's not like she's wrong…"

I laugh sheepishly. "Ahah… I said I'd make it up later to that guy!"

She hums, although I can't quite make out the tone. "See to it that you do."

When'd she have the pants in this relationship!?

We continue into the village, and I look around. No one was really selling basic supplies; they probably had planners for that kinda stuff… and food didn't seem to be sold in bulk; there obviously were no supermarkets in Gensokyo.

Well, I can tell Sakuya I got them some crappy furniture at least!

I leave the village from a new direction, meeting a different guard who wordlessly opens the gate for me without even being asked. Now that's the service I wanna see!

We leave in the vague direction of the forest of magic; I wonder if I can do anything about them trees… that doesn't involve torching them. I don't think I can use torched trees…

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

Bam!

"C'mon…"

Bam!

"Die already…!"

Bam!

"Holy shit!" I lean on Quake Maker, panting. In front of me is a lopsided magical tree, with a big dent in the middle that I had wailed on with Quake Maker.

Ha-chan stared vainly at the tree. "...Maybe you should just-"

Bam!

"... get some help, or something?" she finished.

Bam!

Kreaak...craa~ck!

"Timber!" I run from the tree and put my hand to my forehead… even if there wasn't much sun in this huge forest.

The mediocre-sized magic tree fell, mystical particles being emitted from the leaves as it fell to the floor.

Thud!...shimmer shimmer…

I could hear the shimmering of the leaves as the tree collided with the ground.

I look to my hammerspace sack. "...I don't think this entire tree's gonna fit through the hole…"

Ha-chan sighs. "Just… come back with a saw later, or something, then."

I put my hand to my chin. "Hmmm… I could get Sakuya tomorrow or something, or ask the hooligans of the lake to lend me their manual labor…"

I start spinning up my yin-yang flail. The panty rope looks a little weathered by now, the black color long having faded to a dull grey and the fabric's pretty shot by now, but it still holds!

I float up into the air, exiting the forest of magic and heading back towards the Scarlet Devil Mansion.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

Closing in on the manor, I see the incident resolving team float away from the gate. Youmu seems to have rejoined them, so that's a thing...

I land outside the gate, only to see a fluffle manning a stand outside again, Meiling absent.

"hi fr-"

I run up to it, and punt it.

"Waaal!" it yells, flying over the manor's walls. Freakin' fluffy.

Ha-chan giggled. "The way those things wail is so cute!"

I didn't bother to dignify that with a response, so I proceeded into the manor's gates. Apparently the front foyer was being rebuilt, from scratch. I could see the library's double doors were perfectly intact, the scarlet walls around them still relatively untouched.

I went up to the double doors, carefully navigating the rubble and cinder, only to find they were magically sealed.

"Don't even bother." Remilia hovers up next to me. "She's got the thing sealed tight, and probably will for the next day or so, until she thinks the fire couldn't possibly be burning anymore."

I nod. "Ah. Well…"

I take out Quake Maker and suddenly bash the door.

Bam… Bam… Bam… Bam…

I stop, getting tired quickly in part from my day and in part because I'm not a physical person, despite being forced to be as physical as I am in Gensokyo. Every strike returned the same result; a strong, teal magical barrier preventing any progress.

Remilia smirks. "Her wards are pretty impressive, given the right incentive."

I'll say… a seal like that on the door and walls all the time, and nothing's goin' in or out in a million years!... I can't imagine it's easy to maintain, though. She's probably half-comatose on the inside or something…

Sakuya appears next to me. "Did you get what I asked you to?"

I nod. "Furniture, and I tipped a tree over somewhere that we could cut up if I could find a way to get it here!"

Sakuya sighed. "What we really could use is building materials, but at least you got something…"

Night was beginning to close in fast, and none of us had anywhere to sleep!

"Uuugghh…" Remilia groaned. "This is gonna take forever…"

"Look on the bright side," Flandre began. "We can go camping!"

Remilia shot her head up in excitement at the new prospect. "Yes! Camping! I haven't done that in… at least a few hundred years, give or take!"

Remilia makes for the gate, Flandre following her. She turns to me. "You! You're coming with, since Sakuya and Meiling will be busy with the manor for quite some time, and we need someone to serve us. Bring that maid you seized from me with you."

Ha-chan pouts. "Aauuu…"

We all walk out of the manor's gate, and proceed towards the forest, the stars illuminating the night sky with faint overcast settling in.

The night slowly grows darker as we make our way around the misty lake. Suddenly, an orb of darkness floats past us.

"W-waaahhh!" Rumia was crying, apparently! She promptly crashed into a tree ahead of us, and fell to the floor, the darkness dissipating.

Rumia lied on the floor, blood oozing from one of her eye sockets, the eye slowly regenerating…

I look down to her. "Dayum. What happened to you?"

"M-mean man… cut my eye…" She rose from the floor, sitting up, wincing as blood poured out of her eye anew.

Remilia looked to her curiously. "Hmm? Is the incident causer really someone so cruel? Last I heard of it, the guy didn't carry any sharp objects…"

Rumia stood up, lightly placing her hand on the temple on the side of her head where her eye was stabbed. "He… was some outsider. He had blades, I-I don't know… it hurts…"

Another outsider, and a violent one at that? This could be… interesting…

Flandre looked conflicted at the sight, but chose not to say anything.

Remilia scowls, and looks at the darkness youkai. "Look, you know that bamboo forest?"

Rumia nods.

"You've ever been to the center of the forest?"

Rumia nods. "T-there's this place with rabbits…"

Remilia pats her back. "Go there, show them your wound, and they'll help you, alright?"

Nodding, Rumia sets off. "T-thank you…"

We watch the darkness youkai depart into the night, and Remilia shakes her head. "That was gonna happen eventually, not all outsiders appear to be powerless whelps, and if she attacked any villagers they probably wouldn't hesitate to stab her or something. Still, eye wounds are never pleasant, so I guess that's why it hit her so hard…"

Flandre shrugged. "I think I'd be crying from an eye wound, too…"

Remilia turns to her, and nods. "Eye wounds are low blows, anyway. Nobility like us vampires should be fighting opponents who are above such tactics…"

I stare blankly into the night. "You know, guys, to me I'm literally just standing in a black void right now!"

All I could make out at this point was the glowing crystals of Flandre's artificial wings, and the glowing of the their vampiric eyes, which was strangely comforting since I knew they were on my side.

We begin towards the Forest of Magic, only for a generic youkai to stand in our way! It's about time we found one of those!

Ahead of us appeared a brown-haired man, with tattered villager-esque clothing on. "Quite a night for some little bat youkai to be out… and is that a human? Pfft, hahahah! H-have you really allied yourselves with a vil- wait a second… is that a fucking outsider!? Holy shit!, this…"

The man guffawed, showing his rather canine teeth which shimmered in the night. I look up to the sky; it was still one of those… not quite full but not quite crescent moons, but it wasn't half either… I dunno what those are called, so sue me!

Calming down, he scowled at the sisters. "I have a newfound hatred for bat youkai, you two know… and I'm gonna be quenching my thirst for blood tonight!"

He charges at Flandre, who holds out a hand. He raises his hand to swipe with his claw, only for Flandre to grab his oncoming hand.

Flandre turned to her sister. "...Hey, Remi, can we keep him? He's fluffy."

Remilia frowed and shook her head. "Flan, you don't know where he's been. He could have rabies, for all we know."

Flandre lets go of the youkai's hand, and he stumbles back.

"What the fuck…" he irately turns to Remilia. "The fuck'd you just say about me!?" He runs at her, and tries to kick her… only for the kick to be stopped by Remilia holding out her hand.

"I said you had rabies, since you obviously don't realize whom you're talking to." Remilia pulls his leg back and then forward, throwing him off balance easily.

Remilia grins, spreading her wings. "I am Remilia Scarlet, mistress of the night, and I'll have you know that I have no qualms with executing vermin such as yourself, should you have a death wish… and you quite clearly appear to, at this moment."

The youkai's eyes widen. "W-what the hell!? I was expecting someone taller! There ain't no fuckin' way you're the Scarlet sisters!"

Remilia glared. "You're gonna die, for that."

She holds up her arm, and starts to generate a danmaku Gungnir.

His eyes widen. "Oh, shit! Fuck me! Is-is that the spear? Don't tell me that's the fucking spear! Okay, look, I'm sorry, I'll do anything! Anything! Anything!" He scrambles on the floor, backing into a tree.

Remilia grins, and starts to power down her spear. "Good. That's the respect I-"

The male picks up a rock and tosses it at Remilia, and it only manages to take off her poofy tablecloth for a hat.

The youkai male freezes. "...Okay, look… in my defense, that's a fuckin' poofy hat."

I gotta admit, he's right. That's one poofy-ass hat.

"...You're gonna be a poofy hat when I'm through with you." Remilia casually walks towards the youkai.

He starts to rise to his feet, back against the tree. "Wait, come the fuck on, you can't-"

Thud! Splosh…

Blood poured down the youkai's chest, Remilia's hand had collided with the tree behind him, cleaving straight into him.

He clawed against her arm, producing some cuts and scrapes, but she didn't budge.

"F-fuck… you…" The youkai coughed, blood splattering on Remilia's face.

"I hope you're satisfied." Crack!

"A-Aaauggh!" The man yelled inhumanely into the night.

Splash! Thud, thud…

I heard the two halves of the youkai fly waywardly to the side as Remilia tore him a new one, literally.

"...I'm glad I can't see anything right now!" I exclaim, only seeing the red swipe of Remilia's nails and the other usual glowing things light up the night. I still heard the plentiful blood splattering, though, and I wasn't entirely certain I appreciated it!

"H-hah…" Ha-chan was hiding behind a bush, and timidly watched the entire process unfold.

Remilia looked to us, rolling her eyes. "Look, if some little prat refuses to play by the spellcard rules, then who am I to coddle them? Youkai should know their respective places better than anybody. I'm just letting the weaklings know who's in charge around these parts."

Flandre smiled. "That's my big sis!"

I dunno if that's necessarily a good moral to be teaching her…

We proceed in a direction I'm unsure of, but we eventually make it to the forest of magic because I see the magical particles hanging in the air.

"Should we set up shop here, friends?" I ask everyone.

"Hmmm… this place is as good as any, I guess…" Remilia decides.

"It's pretty!" Flandre adds.

Ha-chan looks around, intimidated. "I-it's dark…"

We all stand around like chucklefucks for a good few minutes, before I bring up the question that needed to be asked.

"...Did any of us even think of bringing a tent?"

Remilia sighs. "...Fuck."

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

I stare at the new fortress of furniture situated somewhere in the forest of magic. "Sweet jesus fuck."

Remilia shakes her head, and approaches it. "...I'm insulted that I've not only lost my mansion, but I'm going to live outside in a pile of furniture among the wild youkai."

I smile. "At least you've got us, so we can all sleep together in one big, crumpled up ball!"

"...My ancestors would frown upon me on this day." Remilia disdainfully starts to scowl at the furniture fort as Flandre crawls in.

"This is actually pretty cool!" Flandre exclaims, crawling around inside.

"...Alright, it's actually kinda neat, but still!" Remilia admits, moving inside.

I stand proudly on an isolated stool. "Come one, come all, to Fort Fucksalot!"

Ha-chan incredulously eyes me as I shout my name to the dark forest around me, but no one seems to reply.

I make for the large furniture fort, and crawl inside…

To my left I see Remilia getting lightly poked on the cheek by Flandre. Remilia sat in the fetal position in the corner.

"..." Remilia has submitted to her stay at Fort Fucksalot!

"Earth to Remi~..." Flandre called out, poking her.

I huddled in the very back as Ha-chan crawled in.

"It's… it's a little snug." Ha-chan winces as she's forced to stay in a very awkward position to exist inside the fort.

I shrug. "What can I say? Wartime forts weren't made for comfort, yo. I had to sleep in ten of these during the great Gensokyian Wibble War of eighteen twelve!"

Flandre clapped her hands. "Oooh, Remi told me about that one!"

Remilia facepalmed. "What have I done…?"

I elucidated on the great Wibble War of eighteen twelve late into the night, but sleep eventually took us all.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

Slowly, I awaken to the sound of rain pattering on the roof, and everyone huddled together in the far corner. I was instead being used as a barricade of sorts, while the three girls huddled around me.

"Ahhh-ack…" I stretch, feeling my back become inflicted with the painful pain of pain.

I look outside, only to see torrential downpours occur. It's a good thing I put that wooden board down, or we'd be screwed!

"A-ah…" Remilia stirred awake, her eyes flickering open. "S-so cold…"

"A-aauu…" Flandre unconsciously nuzzles herself against her sister.

I look outside, seeing the little uprising we're on slowly has water catching up to it. Woah, no…

Holy rain, batman! It's gettin' freakin wet!

====NEW INCIDENT: THE STORMY RAINMAKER'S RAINY-DAY DOWNPOUR====

If I don't do something, we're gonna get freakin soaked!

Remilia looks outside, and she blanches, if a vampire could get paler. "W-what the hell…"

Ha-chan slowly flutters awake. "...Maaauuu…"

Flandre jerks back from the smell. Hah!

I rush over to Ha-chan, and begin shaking her by the shoulders. "Yo, wakey wakey goldilocks! This is an emergency broadcast by the Gensokyian weather service!"

Ha-chans eyes swirl for a moment, before she blinks rapidly, snapping awake. "W-w-what is it!?"

"It's gonna rain for forty days and forty-fuckin'-eons! We gotta get this house outta here!" I shout, still shaking her.

"W-w-waauu-u-u!" Her voice vibrates a bit due to my shaking. I let her go, and climb out of the fort, rain slamming against my body.

I turn back and stick my head in. "I'll be back with tools, and assistance! Ha-chan, keep the water out or something! Here," I tossed her a rock and the Flame Dispenser. "Just keep hitting it with the rock, and only the rock should burn!"

Ha-chan nods confusedly, as I race off into the forest of magic. I needed to find Alice!

I activate the strength buff of Quake Maker, and slam it into the floor before me, and a huge gust of wind slams into me, and I could hear the shimmering of leaves as they got rocked by the wind wave, and water flowed freely down from the treetops, soaking me to the bone.

"Holy shit! Hydraulic's literally useless in this weather!" I yelled into the void, as I continued in the vague direction of Alice's abode.

Before me were… fluffles, apparently! Some of them had little blue hats on, and others had silver-blue metal bows.

"Waaal!" one wailed, and suddenly blue orbs were shot at me.

"The fuck'd I do to you!?" I yelled out, weaving through the simple barrages of small blue orbs. These were nowhere near as bad as Patchouli's insano waves!

The archers shot arrows towards me, which stopped in mid-air, bubbles of water floating around them. The arrows weren't aimed at me, and when the arrows left the bubbles, they exploded into blasts of danmaku, and I suddenly had to avoid it from multiple directions at once!

"Fock yo~u!" I roared, smashed a mage aside who got too close to me, and it exploded into dust. I began dashing towards Alice's house, shoes sinking in the mud under me, slowing me immensely.

"C'mon, c'mon!" I tried double-jumping whenever I got out of the mud, but that just made it worse!

Danmaku pinged me from behind- shit! I had no choice but to fuck some shit up!

Clambering from the mud, I whirled around to face the magi and archers following me.

"I ain't afraid of getting a little dirty!" I shouted, and slammed Quake Maker into the mud, a wave of mud splashing forward and eating some of the danmaku coming for me. The fluffles jerked back in the air due to the mud, allowing me to close the distance.

"Five on one is a little fair, don't you agree…?" I stated, and pulled out my operating cross. "London, let's break some shit! Sentry mode!" I pointed to the rightmost tree.

London flew in from nowhere, and stood at the tree, and then started unloading her yellow diamond spreads.

Two fluffles diverted their attention to the floating London momentarily, and began firing upon her.

I was able to weave through the remaining danmaku clumsily, practically bathing in the mud on my way to the other mage, which was up against a tree as it tried to float back.

"It's hammer time!" I yelled, smashing it into the tree, slaying it instantly. Two magicians left!

"Waaaalalal!" I heard fluffle-speak to my left, so I whirled around to face an archer who was aiming for me. I brought the hanger to about where I thought the arrow'd be, and when it struck the bubble effect appeared but never activated due to me striking the arrow.

I pulled out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber and focused on the archer as it strafed taking aim again. I fired a few pellets, missing, and another arrow was fired. stopping shorter for the bubble to create danmaku. It flew out of the bubble towards me, missing me narrowly.

I finally pinged it with a lucky shot as it tried to keep strafing around me. "Waallg!"

It reeled back, spinning in the air, and I took the oppertunity to clumsily rush it, pocketing Bee-Sheveteen Bawmber as best I could before slamming the fluffle into the mud.

Sploosh!

The fluffle sunk under the waves quickly, its wails being silenced by the mud.

"Waaal!" The last fluffle mage shouted as its archer friend exploded, downed by the yellow diamond danmaku.

"Nice shot!" I yelled to London, even if she wasn't a living being.

Some blue-haired fairies in various raindrop patterned dresses appeared from nowhere, shooting at the fluffle.

"Waaa-" Boosh! It exploded into dust.

"Uh... thanks?" I complimented the blue-laser shooting fairies… before they fired at me, giggling.

"London, engage!" I shouted, running towards Alice's house again. London flew towards one of the fairies, a spread of yellow danmaku accompanying it.

Pi~chun!

"W-wha~t!? Drizzle-cha~n!" a fairy yelled, shocked.

"You're gonna pay for that, dolly!" another water fairy closed in on London, who did its duty without fail and continued to assault the fairies without hesitation.

I managed to escape, and despite the thick rain and fog, I sighted Alice's house in the distance.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: HANA'S PERSPECTIVE====

I lightly banged the rock against the flame-producing plant hanger, Flame Dispenser if I remember correctly…

Clack.

Fwsh…

The fort lightly lit up, a slight wave of heat emanated as the two sisters huddled around it.

Clack.

Fwsh…

This process continued for awhile. Where'd Brad-kun head off to, anyway…?

Clack.

Fwsh…

...Thud-thud.

The furniture above us vibrated, something striking it.

"W-what was that!?" I jumped! That was scary…!

Remilia-sama turned to me. "G-go check it out, you w-whelp. What do I pay you… f-f... Achoo!" Remilia-sama sneezed.

"...A-alright…" I reluctantly agreed. I rea~lly didn't want t-

Thud-thud!

Waauuu! I jumped again!

I looked outside, clutching Flame Dispenser cautiously… and I saw some of those fluffle things outside! A blue robe and wizard hat on a few of them, along with others carrying cute little bows…

The two with the little bows fired them, and arrows zoomed towards the fort.

Thud-thud!

"What the hell's going on out there!?" Remilia-sama hollered from inside, her voice strained.

"The fluffle's are being mean!" I shouted back, flustered.

"Be mean back! Do something!" Remilia-sama shouted at me.

Do something… I can't afford to be useless now!

"I'm going to do something!" I roared, flying out of the little hole in the fort, and soaring towards the five fluffles closing in on us.

"Waaal!" A mage pointed at me.

Blue streams flew towards me, but I barely grazed them, barrel-rolling to the left. As I flew by quickly, I pinged one in the face, knocking its hat off and lighting it on fire.

The fire was short-lived, however, the immense rain putting a quick stop to it, so I did a somersault and smacked the fluffle again, and it exploded into dust.

D-did I just… kill i-

"Aaaugh!" I yell out, a bullet pinging me from the left. Where'd that come from!? Ow, ow, owwww…!

The archers were firing arrows!... but they stopped and formed bubbles, which were quickly popped, sending blasts of danmaku outwards. They were being used to flank me from the left!

"Aaahhh!" I screamed, flying in frantic circles to dodge it, which… worked surprisingly well, actually!

Danmaku hurts! I wish I could do-... wait, could I?... I could, couldn't I? That's right I could! Yeah!

I charge my free arm with a cyan orb, and send a small spread over to the archers, who avoid it with ease.

"No!" I shouted, as they readied their arrows again. The mages behind me struggled to track my frantic movements, their spreads not translating well and failing to track me.

A blue fairy flew by, and tore the bow out of one of the fluffle's hands. "Catch me if you can, freak!" It flew off, and the fluffle looked offended. "Waaal!"

The fluffle soared off and its other archer friend went with it, leaving me to the mages.

"Waaal!" They all pointed at me, unleashing their spreads.

Oh, no no no! I flew haphazardly, and one hit me in the wing as I practically flew into it.

"Fuaaaahhh!" I screamed, searing pain enveloping my right wing. O-one more hit like that… and It's all over…!

I channeled magic into the Flame Dispenser, focusing on it in my time of need. I trust you, Flame Dispenser!

I spun around, flames roaring out of the red plant hanger as I zoomed past the mages. One tried to get close for a finishing spread, but the flame licked it, deterring it. I did a U-turn, coming back around and my next strike came right down on its head, destroying it.

"...Waaaallll…" the final fluffle growled at me, its friends having been bested. I stopped spinning, feeling my mana running low…

"Help me! He-" Pi~chun! What was that!?

I looked in the direction of the blast, and a blue bow floated in the air, a fluffle archer retrieving it. The two fluffle archers closed in on me again, the blue fairy apparently having been bested and slain. No~!

"I could really use some help here~!" I wail out, fluffle chasing me as I flew in circles. 

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE====

I knock on Alice's door with much force!

Knock! Knock! Knock!

...Alice opens the door, and sees my weathered state.

"Ebeebada, boobada, babada, boo!" I explain.

...Alice shuts the door in my face.

...Shieeeuut!

I knock on the door again, with much force!

Knock! Knock! Knock!

No response.

"Fuck it!" I yell, and ready Quake Maker.

Bam!... Bam!... Boosh!

I bust the door open, and Alice whirls to me, eyes wide.

"W-what!?" she shouts, surprised.

"I actually need your help here!" I exclaim.

Alice glares at me once she snaps out of her shock. "W-why should I-"

I cut her off. "Because the world is at stake, the fluffles are invading and it is every man for themselves out there! Fluffles are eating youkai in the streets yo, the giant fluffcraftian nightmare is upon us! The wibbles were fucking right!" I shout as dramatically as possible.

"What the hell are you talking about!?" Alice gets worried at my sudden exclamations.

"The magenta apocalypse, that's what! We need to sail the arc from here to the manor by sundown, or the wibbles will make us their eternal slaves!" I gesture wildly to the open door behind me.

"Well, shit! Let's go move that arc! Yeaah!" Alice shouts, and makes for the door before stopping. "...What the hell are you talking about!?" she repeats.

I sigh. "Look, I need you to get your dolls to move a pile of furniture from here to the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and you can negotiate your payment with the mistress and her mage friend later. Right now, I need the assistance, so get like every doll ever mobilized so we can kick some fluffy ass!" I roared, giving a yell. "Huah!"

Alice looked a little pumped by the end of that, but kept her calm. "Alright, very well… Lead me to where we need to go."

I pull out the operating cross… only to see it flicker out moments later.

"...We're gonna need some big guns, yo…" I stare at the operating cross awkwardly.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

A swarm of Shanghai clones filed out of Alice's house, all holding large lances.

"That's what I like to see!" I yelled out, and leaped off of Alice's porch, running through the mud once again. "Chaarge!"

The dolls mobilized behind me, and eventually we caught up to the fairies.

"...Holy hell! Guys!" One of them whirled around and pointed to the dolls.

They all began turning and blanching at the doll armada.

"I brought friends, bitches! You have incited the wrath of a thousand dolls!" I roared, running through the mud awkwardly as it seemed a little deeper and mushier than before…

The dolls quickly mobilized to impales the fairies. The spreads of danmaku they fired were wholly ignored as the Shanghai dolls all closed in, tanking the bullets outright and eviscerating the fairies, who began exploding into magic within the canopy of the forest of magic.

Pi~chun! Pi~chun! Pi-Pi~chun! Pi~chun!

I heard the dying explosions of fairies resound through the air, and grinned. The sounds of bliss…

Running forward, we charged towards Fort Fucksalot, ready to defend it anew.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: HANA'S PERSPECTIVE====

These fluffles are mehehea~n!

"Waahh!" I yelled, still fleeing from the waves of danmaku sent to me by the archers and the singular mage left.

Suddenly, dolls floated past me and towards the fluffles.

"Waaaal!" Shiing! Poof… the fluffle was no more.

The archers took aim for the Shanghai doll, firing arrows at it. One of the arrows took an arm, the other stopped to pop a bubble, allowing the Shanghai to avoid it, and it flew straight through the danmaku, the arm with the lance still intact.

Shiing! Poof… an archer was no more.

"no, friends! have mercy!" The last archer gave up its bow, cowering in the air with its fins raised.

I flew up to it, and shot a single danmaku orb into its face.

Boosh! Dust whirled through the air as the fluffle perished… and then there were none.

From inside the fort, Flandre sneezed.

"...There is no mercy for my enemies." I narrow my eyes… before clutching my head. Aaauuuuu, acting like that always hurt my head…!

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE====

I ran up to the fort, as Ha-chan fell back towards it.

"Ha-chan! How'd it go!?" I shouted up to her as she came back down.

"We were attacked, but I did what I could!" Ha-chan provided, a determined look on her face.

I looked inside, at the vampires. "We're gettin' you two outta here, airlift style!" I announced, smirking.

Remilia blinked, surprised. "V-very good…! I expected no less from a servant of m-mine… Achoo!" Remilia sneezed, her surprise being cut off by her water allergy.

Suddenly, a barrage of water arrows soared into the air, all popping a series of bubbles, causing literal danmaku rain to befall us. The Shanghais moved to shield the fort, a few falling in the process, being shorted out by danmaku.

"Look out! Enemies inbound!" Alice neared the fort, hovering around it, her arms smoothly flailing around as she tried to command the army of Shanghai dolls.

In the distance a series of fluffles with blue armor marched up, holding large blue broadswords… as large as large could be for a fluffle to wield. They looked like mobile waterfalls, the mud around them flowing away as they gracefully glided across the water, the grace offset by the flailing of their large silver-blue metal broadswords. Behind them was a floating legion of fluffle archers, eager to sink their arrows into our fort and flesh.

I blanch momentarily. "T-the fuck did we ever do to you fluffy pieces of shit!?" I yell out.

"Waaaal!" A collective murmur of wailing sounds out from the oncoming strike team.

Remilia stares out the hole in the fort, and sees the oncoming armada. "What.. the hell… is going on anymore!?"

I turn to Remilia. "I think we've sparked a war, that's what's goin' on!"

I look up at Alice. "Alice, we need a way to get this fort the hell out of here!"

Alice glances at me, strained. "I-I'm busy focusing, here! I can't spare any dolls of the strike team!... besides, how in the hell would I do that!?"

I raise my leg to pose it dramatically on a half-submerged stool separate from the fort, and raised a hand to my chin. Situations like this always made me giddy… but I had to not drop the ball now! "Hmmm…" I hummed, watching the approaching water-elemental strike team.

I looked to the magic trees… the magic trees… and who here knows any enchanting magic? I glance at Alice, who's too busy to be of help. I glance at Remilia… I don't think she'd have taken up any sort of real enchanting magics… My eyes skip Ha-chan; she's magical, but she's no magic practitioner. If only we had someone like Patchouli here to…

Hold the phone! Didn't Patchouli try teaching Flandre some spells or something!? She enchanted the Escape Plan!

Speaking of the Escape Plan, I took that out, feeling slightly nimbler. Heheey!

I look to Alice. "Kick some fluffy ass, Alice, 'cause I'll be right back! Ha-chan, distract them if it gets dire!"

"W-where are you going!?" Ha-chan looks at me, alarmed.

"I'm gonna get some well needed supplies!" I ran up to a tree, and brandishing Quake Maker, I brought it down, skinning some bark clean off the tree with a powerful strike… but it wasn't as powerful as I'd like. The bark was only cut off into little chunklets, so all I accomplished was damaging the tree. Shieeeut.

"Damn…" I ripped out a mana potion, and tore it open.

Gulp...Gulp...Gulp...Gulp...

Hahhh…

I tossed the bottle into the mud somewhere, letting it sink to its doom. Screw that bottle in particular!

I wiped the crappy mana taste from my lips. Eeuugh…

… and lifted Quake Maker, reapplying my strength buff.

"Let's make some fuckin' quakes!" I roared, slamming Quake Maker into the bark of another tree, a good long chunk falling off.

"Perfect!" I exclaimed. I slammed the hammer down on it, breaking it into two sizable pieces, and took off to the fort.

The armored hooligans were still closing it, and any dolls who dared get close to them were readily annihilated with singular swings. Lances clanked and bounced off their armor.

"I-I need ranged support! Damn, damn, damn!" Alice frusteratedly cursed, her melee units useless.

"I-I'm trying!" Ha-chan uselessly fired some basic danmaku orbs at the bunch, their moves being shrugged off.

"Eat shit, and die!" I roared, bringing my hammer down on one of the armored fluffles…

...only for my blow to be totally parried! Holy shit!

Claaa~ng!

I flew back from the rebound, sliding across some shallower mud. I clambered back up, and glared at it. Gaahh, power attacks were useless!...

I mentally cycled through my own weapons… nothing would deal with water well! I had an idea, though…

I took out Hydraulic, the water plant hanger. Water on water enemies would be the literally worst idea, but…

I tossed it to Ha-chan.

"W-what do you want me to do with this!?" Ha-chan blanched at it, realizing it was the water plant hanger and how useless it'd be.

"Your affinity is electricity! Try something!" I shout to her, and I run up to the fort, clambering in.

I show the two bark pieces to Flandre. "You, Patchouli taught you enchantments right?"

Flandre winced. "W-well… I'm not very good at them, you see… I-I always overcharge them and ruin what I was enchanting…"

Except… she was weakened by the moisture right now! "Try now, you might see better results! Make it shoot danmaku when I uh…" I take out the Escape Plan. "Make the tree bark shoot large danmaku copies of itself when I swing the Escape Plan!" I instruct her, placing said hanger on the bark.

"I-I know how to do that! Patchouli-sensei taught me! I-I won't let you down, Brad!" Flandre exclaimed, lifting her arms to begin work on the bark.

Remilia sighed, relaxing in the corner. "I'm not even going to question what's going through your mind right now… but if we die, I'm going to haunt your ass."

I nod at her. "I accept the charges!" I clamber out and whirl around, seeing the approaching fluffle knights. Oh, boy…!

The archers really weren't a thing anymore, though, a half of the Shanghai army having been diverted to deal with them, and they were quickly eviscerated. Despite getting the jump on the knights, they couldn't do much but ping their armor. We needed elemental mo~ves!

Flandre was busy working, Alice was busy doing what she could, and Ha-chan…

Ha-chan was spinning around like a maniac, sending water spiraling across the battlefield. A few electric danmaku blasts soared out, striking the waves and dissipating.

"Ha-chan!" I yell out, and she ceases spinning, and closes in on me. I leap back from a fluffy knight's blade, the water rushing under me.

"Yeah!?" Ha-chan yells over the smashing and crashing of the wind, rain, and waves.

There was a spark in my eyes… "Let's give em 'hell!"

There was a spark in her eyes…"Uhhh… oh, yeah! Yeah, let's do that!"

She lifts me by the waist, and I pocket Quake Maker, taking Hydraulic from her. She lifts me into the sky, and we spiral around, spreading water around even if we didn't need to.

Alice glared at our seemingly useless practice, the dolls starting to lax and lose their vigor with which they attacked the knights with before.

"Limit Break Sign! Blue Plasma!" Ha-chan screams into the air, and the water below us all converts into blue plasma.

FWAAAASH

The trees in the forest of magic light alive in the dark of the storm, magic particles accelerating into the air insanely fast. The fluffles below were lost in the bright light that engulfed the entire forest.

…

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

…

The blue plasma all dissipated, vision being granted to me again. The mud all dried into dirt. The trees slowly returned to their normal light level, and the rain pattering against the Earth began to wet the ground anew.

Fluffles in scorched black armor stood completely still…

Craaack… Clatter…

The suits of armor, one by one, cracked and broke apart, revealing unarmed fluffles to the world. Their blades shattered at the faintest contact, leaving them completely and truly unarmed.

Multiple Shanghai dolls lost their doll lives, as much of a life as a doll could have, anyway, during the limit break, having been scorched and vaporized by the blue plasma.

Alice's jaw dropped at the display before her, and she rubbed her eyes. All the Shanghai dolls ceased their activity, Alice's focus completely shattered by the display.

Water flowed in from other parts of the forest; the limit break apparently didn't have _that_ much radius.

...It still kicked some serious ass, though…!

Ha-chan and I floated down, and I walked up to the unarmed fluffles as mud and water builded up around them, slowly submerging them due to their tiny stature.

"...help, no!" shouted the fluffle before me, raising his fins, distressed.

"Say good night, McMurphy." I quipped, stomping the fluffle into the mud, which flowed around my foot. I felt the mud ooze into my sneaker, joining the rest of the mud that has flowed into my sneaker today.

I march towards the fort.

"Holy hell! Did… did anyone else just feel that!?" Remilia loudly inquired, looking around incredulously from inside the fort.

"Nope. It was only you. Go back to bed." I nonchalantly explained to her, before looking at Flandre. "How goes the enchanting thing, friend?"

"Great, actually! I'm almost done…" Flandre furrowed her brows, focusing intently on the plant hanger…

I get outside and look up to Alice, who's still frozen in place with a shell-shocked expression.

I snap my fingers in front of her. "Yo, Polly's Playhouse, you alive?"

She didn't respond, still looking in the vague direction of the electrical blast, blinking.

Ha-chan floated up to me. "Umm… who's McMurphy?"

I smile, glancing at her. "I'll tell you later…"

I pull out Hydraulic again, having pocketed it earlier upon finishing that limit break. I turn it to max and hold it over Alice.

"Pftuh-gugh-fu-ack! Enou-guh!" Alice sputters, flailing for my plant hanger. I retract it, and pocket it.

"Good morning, sleepy head! How was electro-shock?" I ask her, grinning.

Alice rolls her eyes. "W-where the hell did that one come from…?"

I point my thumb to Ha-chan. "Her, yo."

Alice eyes Ha-chan curiously, but before any further inquiries, I abruptly start my next move!

"Alright, friends!" I clap my hands together. "We've gotta get this thing moving before more assholes show up!"

Alice looks at me critically. "Are you sure that's a wise idea? Shouldn't the rain be ending soon…?"

I look up, the rain still falling hard as nails. "You say that, but it's not getting any better. Like, at all."

Alice scowls. "Good point…"

I look to the idle Shanghai armada- or what was left of it. "Yo, do you think they could lift this thing?"

Alice squinted her eyes. "Ma~ybe…"

I grin. "You got any spare sheets you wouldn't mind missing?"

Alice tilts her head. "Ma~ybe…"

I grin wider. "I think we're gonna have some fun with this one…"

Time to build our own combat ship, and sail it!

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

We've been mostly uninhibited thus far! I bet that huge ass plasma storm scared everything remotely problematic off…

I stood atop the fort, Alice hovering behind it. Under it was a legion of Shanghai dolls, and I had them operate similar to those fluffle forts. All stand under it, and they drive it flintstones style, 'cept they float and shit!

I had some of the Shanghai lances piercing the tree barks Flandre enchanted, and they were nailed into the sides of the craft.

A mast stood atop the craft, being crafted from part of a damaged tree. Alice's sheets hung on it, acting as a sail, even if we didn't need a sail… and even if having a sail was counterproductive 'cause of the wind… screw it, sails are cool!

I held the Escape Plan outward, ready for the S.S. Blow-Out-Negative-Enemy-Revenge, one word decided by the each of us. We decided this by a group activity where we summarized this camping trip. I picked 'blow', because this camping trip blew big time, as a camping trip, at least. Flandre picked 'out', as in 'outdoors'. Ha-chan picked negative, because she experienced pain. Alice picked 'enemies', which we shortened to just 'enemy', because we faced a lot of enemies. Finally, Remilia picked 'revenge', because she wanted revenge and figured this was the fluffles going for their revenge.

Thus, we had the tactful acronym for our fair vessel! The S.S. B-O-N-E-R…

Oh, holy shit, that name… I-I uh, don't think I'll be bringing that up to anyone… yet.

Alice turned to me, excited. "What was the final acronym anyway? I'd paint it on, but with this rain, it would prove difficult… I'd still like it, though. Maybe I can etch it in…"

No avoiding it now! I turn to her. "S.S. Boner." Insert shit-eating grin.

She glares at me, then pauses. Her face turns to one of shock. "Y-you're right, actually. Oh, damn it all…"

I chuckle like a maniac. "That is the only fitting name and you know it."

Alice sighed. "...I'm never going to live this one down…"

And so, S.S. Boner was etched onto the side of our craft. Endless happiness, I assure you.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

Gradually and gingerly, our craft hovered from the depths of the forest of magic, the tree bark bits nailed to the sides glowing brightly as Flandre's enchantments whirled to life. The sail of Alice's old unused sheets flailed violently in the wind, and as we emerged from the woods, palisade forts with little fluffy legs stood before us. Didn't that wood golem make them, or did they have more of those, too?

The heavy fog made things a little awkward to see… so I started swinging the Escape Plan.

Vooo… Pew!

Tree-bark shaped danmaku roared forth from our dual cannons, quickly ripping into the fog ahead, traveling a linear path with varied spread. I started flailing wildly with the Escape Plan...

Vzazazazazaza!

A stream of danmaku lit up the thick fog, some of it battering the fort ahead, forcing it to explode in a bright, aqua-marine danmaku-induced explosion, fluffles soaring out of it.

"Waaal!"

I'm not even entirely certain how that works, but I'm not going to question it!

Fluffle forts shifted about the plains ahead of us, the faint mud of the road's normal dirt path below us as we hovered in a vague direction.

Some of the forts faded into obscurity, the fog consuming them in the distance as they retreated. Fluffy archers took potshots from parts unknown, but the mobile fortress of ours was largely unaffected by a few light pings or a couple arrows.

I flailed wildly again, grinning.

Vzazazazazaza!

The stream of destruction flew forward again, large danmaku particles piercing the fog, a few unfortunate enemy archers vaporized in the arbitrary discharge of the magical weapons.

I smiled giddily, our aircraft lurching along the side of the muddy dirt path.

"Waahuueehueee! Full speed ahead, to the manor!"

Rain and wind slammed against me as I pointed the Escape Plan towards the obscured horizon, grinning like a madman.

Vzazazazazazaza!

I swung the Escape Plan wildly again as the dolls dragged the pile of furniture side to side, slowly sweeping the road ahead of forts and fluffles.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

We close in on the misty lake, and opt to fly over it. We floated anyway, so what was a whole sea of water below to us? Nothing!

The air chilled around us, the rain turning to hail. Paahaahaaain!

I flail the Escape Plan at the oncoming hail, accidentally triggering the main cannons.

Vzazazazazaza!

Danmaku flew out into the reaches of the misty lake, lighting it up.

'Hey, watch it!" I heard a girl's voice cry, as suddenly before me I saw a certain ice fairy float up. She was spiraling slightly, having barely dodged the barrage of powerful aquamarine tree bark bits. The hail ceased, presumably having been Cirno's fault.

"Hello, friend." I waved to Cirno.

"You almost hit me!" Cirno irately provided, glaring at me.

I shrug. "Too bad! This thing's a mobile wall of hurt, and it's not stopping for no one!"

Cirno grins. "I bet I could! Eye'm the strongest, after all, so it's only natural!"

I sigh. "You're gonna die for that, you know…"

Cirno gets pissed! "Nuh-uh! Just for that, I'm gonna destroy your stupid little… furniture, thing!"

I lift the Escape Plan. "Bring it on, frosty! You're gonna be a snow angel when I'm through with ya!"

I don't think that helped calm Cirno down, as ice particles were now flying at the wet boat. Oh, boy! I think I had something to deal with ice, though.

"Ha-chan! Get out here!" I yell, and Ha-chan emerges from the floating fortress.

"W-what!?" Ha-chan yelps and ducks behind me once she exits the interior, instantly regretting being outside due to the rain of ice particles.

I take out Flame Dispenser, and toss it to her. "Go roast the masses, or something! Set the world ablaze with your fury!"

Ha-chan looks confused for a moment, but soldiers on regardless. She hovers out into the ice field, and starts spinning wildly, destroying some nearby ice danmaku as she dispensed flames from the plant hanger.

"Freeze Sign! Perfect Freeze!" Cirno now shot generic, rainbow-colored danmaku in all directions, and Ha-chan desperately did her best to avoid it.

"Hawawaahh~!" Ha-chain wailed out, bouncing around the danmaku field like a drunkard, miraculously not striking any of the colored orbs.

Well… time to get acquainted with the freeze status effect! I shoulda brought a fur coat… or some really nice lil mittens...

Cirno smirked. "Annn~d… Freeze!"

Woohoaah that's cold…!

Crr-aaack…!

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: HANA'S PERSPECTIVE====

In a flash, all the water in the vicinity was frozen solid, Brad lightly encased in magical ice, along with most of the boat and the dolls carrying it, freezing it in place.

"N-no!" I shouted out, voice likely coming out weird because I was still spinning. This wasn't good…!

"Hahahah! Eye win!" the fairy girl cheers, posing with her hands on her hips, the colored orbs frozen. The frozen orbs start rotating…

I stop, and aim the Flame Dispenser forward.

Fwooosh…!

Flames flowed freely, thawing out a rainbow orb which quickly rocketed away in the breeze Cirno formed to push the thick frost bullets. Like this, I carefully navigated my way through the waves of flowing frost bullets until I got to the ice fairy…

"Hey, you! You can be my deputy! You got blue hair just like me!" She smiles at me, as I near her and aim the Flame Dispenser at her face.

"I'm so~rry!" I wail out, and channel magic into it…

Fwoosh…

Flames gently lick across her face.

"G-gwwaaaah!?" She reels back, flames engulfing her face. I tracked her, and smacked her across the head with the hanger before she could recover and before the rain could extinguish the flames.

"Aaaahhhh!" screamed the ice fairy, shining ablaze as the fire slowly turned blue and went out. All the danmaku dissipated, and S.S. Bo-... and S.S. Furniture was thawed!

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE====

I took a deep breath.

Hah…

...being frozen was trippy!

"You idiot! Eye was gonna win!" Cirno shouted at Ha-chan, who became flustered.

"A-ah, well, I-I…" Ha-chan stuttered, growing increasingly nervous.

"Eye'm gonna thrash you!" Wooahoaahooh, there, fairy friend!

Ha-chan retreated as Cirno irately followed her. Cirno paused to lay down a spellcard, as it were.

"Snow Sign! Diamond Blizzard!"

Weak ice danmaku literally snowed out from Cirno's position as she resumed chasing Ha-chan. The blankets of bullets produced were thick, but flimsy. Ha-chan was mostly unaffected, fleeing as fast as she possibly could from the oncoming wall and Cirno moving too fast for any real problems to clump up. If she sat still, this might be more menacing…

Weak blankets struck the ship, weakly pinging against the wet exterior, producing a light frost, but no real freezing. I think Cirno's run out of tricks!... although she only really used one, and Ha-chan managed to dispel that one…

I flailed the Escape Plan wildly, activating the bark again.

Vzazazazazaza!

"Hahahah!" I yell giddily, swinging the plant hanger like a maniac.

"Waa~hh!" Ha-chan yelled, a shot nearly missing her.

"Eye'll get y-" Bam!

Pi~chun!

Heavy danmaku fire managed to mow down Cirno, and she was no more.

"Victarious!" I shout, jumping up and down on S.S. Boner… that freakin' na-

"What's going on up there!?" Remilia shouts from inside, irate.

"Razzum frazzum! Stuff and things, I assure you!" I shout back, making sure to stop jumping. Eheh…

"What?" I hear Remilia ask from inside, not hearing me clearly over the weather and furniture bits.

I don't reply, and instead begin smiling widely as I see the lake under us end, giving way to muddy, rain-ravaged landscape. We were on our way to the manor!

I sat down on the S.S. Bo… I mean, the boat, and hear the Escape Plan clack against the wood lightly as I clumsily sit.

Vzazazaaaoo…

A few bullets are fired, zooming into the fog. Whoops!

"D-don't shoot! It's me, Hana!" Ha-chan shouts panickedly, flying up to the side of the craft before landing on it.

"Welcome home." I provide, smiling warmly as rain pierces my very freakin' soul because it's still bloody raining…

"H-hi…" Ha-chan looks very waterlogged as she sits down aswell. I look behind us, Alice tiredly and slowly trailing behind, her vigorous movements showing signs of decay as her eyes were half open, the mana used to drive this thing getting to her.

"Don't worry, Alice! Just through the gate, and we're in like flynn!" I pump my arm for effect!

"A-ah...r-right…" Alice trembles, trying to force the craft along. Oof…

We come up to the gate, and I see the walls to the sides. I see a fluffle stand has been manned; it's in for a freakin surprise! I swing the plant hanger in my hands…

Vzoooo… pew!

Two bullets from each cannon fly out and strike each half of the gate, rocking it visibly, but not taking it down. Our flying fortress approached…

Krreeeaaakkk… Claa~ng!

After a small struggle, the S.S. Boner penetrates the gate, blowing the parts asunder.

Meiling looks from the yard inside, and her jaw drops. "W-what the… I just fixed that!"

I wave from the fort boat thing. "Greetings, comrades! I bring the vampires back, safe and dry from the great Gensokyian sea!"

Sakuya gazes from the side of the wall, having been inspecting the wall for damage and additional water damage, when she saw the floating furniture craft slip in through the gate, the name "S.S. Boner" etched onto a side coffee table plate.

"...What." Sakuya rubbed her eyes.

Nearing the front door, which was pretty much the only part standing, I dock at the front porch, the craft stopping and the dolls slowly and unsteadily bringing it to the floor… before they all collapsed, Alice collapsing with them.

"...Ahah…" I nervously look off the back to see Alice lying out cold on the wet stone path behind us.

I look to the fairy maids who gathered around the craft, staring at it with wonder, as if they'd never seen so many coffee tables in one place, or arranged in such a precarious manner.

Sakuya walks up. "...What."

I look down from atop the S.S. Boner. "Hello, Sakuya! I came to drop the mistresses off from the camping excursion! It was a project!"

Sakuya nods slowly, before walking inside. "Meiling, you carry on… I'm gonna just… take a little break." She sighed as she closed the door behind her, entering the foyer… which was currently the only room of the entire mansion standing.

I get up and get ready to address the fairy maids again. "Alright, friends, we need a ramp from that cubby hole thing to the front door, and it needs rain coverage, stat!"

The fairies begin work without question, awed by the sight of the wooden anomaly.

I lean against the mast, and smirk. "Mission, ac-com-plished!"

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

END OF CHAPTER 10

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Plant Hanger Master, Scarlet Liberator, Captain of the S.S. Boner

PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Maker - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes due to an upgrade. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder.

INVENTORY:

Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Dispenser - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Upgraded to have a nozzle with which the weapon can be utilized as a flame thrower with.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Hydraulic- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Mundane, but practical in the eyes of a few. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Due to a dark amulet upgrade, it may be used to cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. When highly charged with buffs, the scythe can even inflict instantaneous death upon certain enemies who are not inherently immune to dark elemental things; although it's general consensus that instant death is ineffective against anyone of any real power, as they'd probably resist the effects.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Marks the wielder for death, dropping instant death resistance to zero and forces them to take 25% increased damage from all sources, but Flandre wasn't aware of the negatives when she created it. Different from the dark-elemental hanger in that this converts missing health into pure speed and none into power, and the increased damage isn't as punishing.

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Fancy operating cross v.2.0 - Allows control and summoning of a London doll, along with some basic commands.

PARTY:

London, the Doll - Defensive unit, able to hold positions and provide cover-fire. Command is slightly dynamic, sporting defensive and offensive modes. Able to be used for more intricate operations; although seems to be strangely absent if the operating cross is in the hammerspace sack this time…

Hana, the Generic Fairy Maid with a Stalking Fixation - A cyan-haired fairy maid from the Scarlet Devil Mansion with a record for stalking. Can fire small spreads of cyan orbs, and apparently specializes in electrical magics, although her ineptitude in combat abilities doesn't show it most of the time. Probably ranks around the same as the other fairy maids. Timid, but cute!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Fairy power!

Alice Margatroid, the Seven Colored Puppeteer - A blond-haired youkai magician. Only recently became a youkai. Loves creating and controlling dolls, and strategizing and stuff. Lives in her own abode in the forest of magic, neighbors with Marisa Kirisame. Large mana pool, like most magi, and plenty of magical skills.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Strategy, apparently!... also that grimoire she never seems to open!

Remilia Scarlet, the Eternally Young Scarlet Moon - The vampiric mistress of the Scarlet Devil Manor. Egotistical most of the time, she switches between haughty and childish at others. Vampiric abilities include night vision, insano health regen and super strength. Fatally weak to water at points, and somewhat debuffed by sunlight. Her water weakness is very weird, at times… but it seems to include lakes, rivers, and rain, but not things like glasses of water, or bath tubs. Water from my plant hanger counts, however. I assume any weapon attributed water would harm her. I wonder how a water Gungnir would work, then…

PRIMARY WEAPON: Gungnirs! Both via a real spear, via a magical energy spear, and via danmaku spears!

Flandre Scarlet, the Sister Of the Devil - The little mistress of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. Five years the junior of Remilia, and marginally more childish. Being locked up for a number of years probably doesn't help the whole "world experience" thing… Marginally more resistant to vampiric weaknesses than her sister, and overall more powerful in general.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Laevateinn, a giant exploding sword of explosions and exploding! Pain!

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

hi friends

welcome to the FLUFFAPALOOZA

in any case, fun times ahead, and there's a legitimate incident in the works! woohohoaaaah!

... cough, by this point realizing i've also taken some liberties with remilia's weaknesses, reducing the "instantly evaporating in the sunlight" to heavy debuffs instead, so as to not let her be AS limited; besides, a little sun is unavoidable sometimes methinks… especially with the manor in a state of DISREPAIR AS IT IS HNNNGH that's my fault

weird water resistance! because yeah!

freakin grandiose rain battles yo

XD


	11. The Man with a Machinegun For A Head

I tapped methodically on my keyboard as I stared absentmindedly at the screen.

There was no way to explain why this was taking so damn long to load. My internet can be pretty dreadful at times, but not this dreadful.

...I look down at the time on the screen. It is now around 8 PM.

This day is going by so slowly, especially considering how bored I am right now. Ever since some guy I knew ceased to exist, days have been largely uneventful.

I could be doing one of my several projects due soon, but really, what point is there in any of it? It's all work, work, work, and more work. You don't even get paid for working so hard.

...And my internet refuses to work. Why are we even paying for it?

I look to the side, and look at all the dents in the wall. How do walls even get dents, despite being untouched for years? The world may never know.

Looking to the other side, I notice-

What the hell is this woman doing in my room?

"Good eveni~ng!" She greets me gleefully with a rather mature, yet strangely childish voice. She was also hanging out from what seemed to be a gap in the spacetime continuum. I don't know too much about the fields of science, but I'm highly confident that that shouldn't be there.

...She looks like she came straight out of an anime, complete with unorthodox rags that looked like they could have come from the fuckin' Victorian era if asians suddenly decided to rip off Eastern European fashion. I don't know if that should make me intrigued or completely horrified.

She shouldn't be there either.

"...Too amazed?" She gives me a knowing smile. "I tend to have that effect on people, sometimes."

In fact, I may know who this is...

"...Do you happen to go by the name Yukari?"

Her smile becomes a smirk. "Oo~h. Someone's been doing his research, it seems. Were you fascinated by little old me?"

"I'm fascinated by just how old you are."

…

"Fufufu~!" She has a giggle, at that. "Yes, well, I _was_ going to extend an invitation to Gensokyo for you… You see, your _dearest_ friend made your existence known… and I felt as though it would be entertaining to throw you at him, especially when he is in doubt that I would do such."

Well damn, it seems like Brad was being serious after all. How else could one explain this cosmic anomaly suddenly appearing and now standing just a few feet ahead, totally contradicting logic and reason?

She turned away, seemingly examining my room. "However, seeing as you are such a rude child…"

I look down, and see an ovalish-shaped hole filled with eyes right under my feet. Shit.

"...I don't have a choice in this, do I?"

She smiles. "Where did you get that impression?"

...With that, I sigh. I didn't particularly enjoy my time here, but it would most likely be better than going _there_. Well, goodbye forever, Earth.

Life's a bitch, and then you die.

The gap expands, and I sink into it, falling into the void of eyes below.

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

I landed on a slab of stone overlooking a vast staircase, on my stomach, with my chair on top of me. Did she really have to bring the chair too?

I pushed the chair off my back and stood up, then stared into the abyss permeating the air around the stairway, accompanied by floating balls of dim blue light. Nice place.

The gap above me closed, and a 3DS clattered on the floor. I picked it up, and seeing a recorded video file was selected, all I had to do was press play.

Beep! The 3DS started playing…

…

The recording ended, but I kept staring.

...

Ah. Well, no wonder. I had a few questions, but now's probably not the time to ponder them…

"Ah? Yukarin told me just a few moments ago to expect you…"

Aa~h, crap. And here I was thinking I could go undiscovered for more than ten seconds. Speaking of, I didn't know enough about Gensokyo to consider where I even was…

Her voice got closer. "Hello?"

I turned around. "Hmm? What do you want?"

The pink-haired woman before me looked at me curiously. "...It's not every day a living male comes to the gates of the dead unaccompanied, unarmed, and still alive, you know."

I shrugged. "Today's not like every day then, I guess."

She giggles. "I suppose not. Come, follow me. I'd have the gardener prepare us some grub, but… she's off on an incident, you see!" She suddenly squees. "Oh, my little Youmu is all grown up~!"

I don't think I should bother to address that last bit…

Wordlessly, I follow her past the gate ahead and onto a path lined with cherry blossom trees.

"Ha~h…" She exhaled. "If only it were spring again… then I could treat you and the others to some exquisite flower viewing!" Floating forward, she…

"Well that sounds nice..." Hold on, floating? I look at her legs, and she does not, in fact, have normal legs. Instead, a ghostly tail replaced where her feet should be. Where was I, again?

"Doesn't it? Those days are such fun…" wistfully replies the ghost lady.

"If that's all you do for fun around here, I think I'm going to be even more bored than I usually am." Dullness already seeps into my normal monotone.

Turning to me, she pouts. "Aaw~… well, we have other things here, too! Come on!" She floats forward faster, and I have to speed up my pace a little to keep up.

"Where am I, again?" I call out to her as I follow behind her, but she doesn't bother to answer me, instead opting to continue forward towards the japanese-styled shrine ahead.

We come to the door, she slows down, and opens it up.

"Home," helpfully replied the pink-haired woman.

"..." A ghost has told me I'm home. That means I've probably up and died. And as it turns out, all you get to do in the afterlife is stare at cherry blossom trees, which happen to bloom only once a year.

...Better than burning in Hell, I suppose. Even if Hell'd have more entertaining things, and people. Like Hitler... or succubi.

We enter the large shrine.

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

"...I don't know anything about cooking!" I argue with the bubbly pink-haired ghost.

"C'mo~n, I'm hungry!" She whines, head rested on a nearby kitchen table.

"Well that's just too bad, isn't it? Do it yourself." I fold my arms, adamant. She didn't even have a microwave!

"Wau~… You're mean…" pouted the woman from the counter.

...Even if I'm free of chores, I'm still bored. I decided to take a look around anyway.

Opening a kitchen drawer yielded some interesting results. Cooking knives, butcher knives, scissors… this seemed to be the drawer for chopping utensils, all in relatively pristine condition, as if they were scarcely used. I don't know why it has scissors, though.

...Some other odd objects were in there, like what looked like sharp metal shards in a bin. I don't think those'd be useful for anything…

I picked up the butcher knife… nah, too messy…

...I wonder…

"Did you change your mind?" The woman called back out at me from the kitchen table.

"No, now be quiet for a moment." I called back. Annoying was what she was…

I lifted the cooking knife… out of everything, that'd be a bit too obvious were it to go missing, now wouldn't it?

"No! I'm hungry!" She began to bang her fists on the table.

"Then do something about it, and stop pestering me!" I irately replied. Did she ever just shut up?

I lifted a pair of scissors. Sharp, a little messy at times, but if you used it right, it could very well be two knives for the price of one… and no one'd ever think to blame it on you.

I fold up the scissors, then pocket them, making sure the handle is facing up, and not the blades.

"I don't wanna~..." she whines, now tiredly resting against the table.

"Well you better, or I'll make a delectable soup out of your cranium." I replied, presumably being taken as a joke. I carefully make my way across the room as if tending to the appliances…

"Oooh~! A soup would be nice!" She shoots her head up, looking excited.

I move around behind her as she energetically sits at the table.

"Indeed. Very, very nice…" I unfolded the scissors. Twirling them, I prepared to strike…

"How long do you think it'd take?" She asked, carefree.

"I don't know… let's find out." I jab the scissors into the base of her neck.

...Only to find it phase right through her neck, not tangibly colliding with any part of it. Surprised, I drop the scissors, and it falls right through her.

"Oooh~!" She jumps, surprised. "That tickled…!"

...Right. So she is a ghost. Well that's just great.

She hovers off the chair, and faces me. "Fufufu… quite fortunate that you tried that on me and not anyone else, is it not?"

"Well I had to know somehow, right?" I reply with a ridiculous smirk on my face.

She levitates the scissors into the air, and holds them herself. "If you want these back… you're going to have to prove to me that you'll not misuse them. For example, if you had attempted such an act on my dear Youmu…"

She looked to the right, as did I. In the right corner of the room was a potted plant. Lifting her hand, I looked back to her, then to the plant, only to see it start withering and decaying rapidly, before becoming nothing but a grey husk.

"...Let's just say I don't tolerate threats within my home, yes?" She turns to me and smiles, in a carefree manner.

"...Meh, you're all already dead anyway, so it doesn't really matter, does it?" I shrug.

She pouts. "Is that any way to live life? I might not be alive anymore, but I'm more alive than ever!" Trailing off, she gazes away from me, into space.

...Uninterested in talking anymore, I start to walk out of the room, but the door suddenly shuts before me.

I sigh. "...What, now? Do you want me to realize something sentimental about myself or something? I'm pretty sure I already know everything."

She sighs in return. "So this is why Yukarin sent you my way…"

I choose not to comment on that statement, rolling my eyes. "Can I go back now, or what?"

She smiles. "Not until you learn how to properly use a pair of scissors…"

Speaking of, I begin to move towards the open drawer. Maybe I could take the butcher knife instead… but as I reach the drawer, I realize it's shut by the woman's magic, and as I try to open it, it refuses to budge.

"You sure aren't making this easy, are you?" I scowl at her.

She holds out the pair of scissors I used to try and backstab her, smiling widely. "It's probably not going to be."

I take them reluctantly, then look at the doors. "...So, what am I supposed to do with these, now?"

She begins to smirk. "Today you'll be baking a cake."

" ...If that's what you want, then don't complain when I create some eldritch abomination by accident."

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

I stare at the somewhat mangled brown chocolate cake, an unexpected wedge-shaped dip forming down the middle of it. I squirted at least three tubes of frosting on it to cover up the unexpectedly alien geometry of the cake's surface.

She makes a curious expression as I set the cake down. "...If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were trying to kill me again."

"Then you'd probably be right, if you weren't already dead. Want some?"

An innocent expression takes precedence across her face. "...Could you cut me a slice?"

"Sure..." I casually reply, cutting into my cake. I suddenly realize scissors are a poor instrument to cut cake with, but persist anyway since the knife drawer was still magically sealed. It's not like I could fetch anything more appropriate.

I feel the scissors sink into a sea of frosting before finally hitting the crusty exterior of the cake, stopping completely.

...Furrowing my brows, I grab the plate and try to stab the scissors harder, hardly making a dent in the crust.

"...Would you like some uh… help with that?" The woman asks awkwardly, watching me fight the cake.

"Nah, I think I'm good…" I proceed to get violent, jabbing the scissors into the cake with force, and finally manage to make some progress, with my hand half-submerged in frosting and scissors jammed in the crust.

Concerned, the woman scratches the back of her head. "...I mean, it's fine if you-"

I cut her off. "No, no, I insist…"

This time, I ram the scissors in full force, causing the the cake to split into half upon impact, and the scissors produce a sickening scratch as they hit the bottom of the plate. The frosting oozes in between the rift created.

I smirk. "See? Two slices."

She laughs nervously. "R-right…"

I look at her, raising a brow. "Go ahead. Take a bite." I hand out a fork.

Gingerly, the woman takes the fork, and stares at the cake unevenly. She moves around it, trying to gauge how to approach it.

I fold my arms. "Come on, how bad could it be? Dig in!"

She cringes slightly, and then tries to dig her fork into the above crust, only to receive frosting. Furrowing her brows, she then uses the fork to tip the half over, and she takes a chunk of the spongy interior out. She took a bite…

...and made a very strained, mixed expression.

"So how is it? Is it everything you wanted and more?"

She slowly turns to me, then back to the plate, before suddenly floating up from her seat and leaving the room with much haste.

How amusing. Moving to the kitchen sink, I wash the filth from the cake off my scissors. With the magical ghost woman absent, I was now free to leave this room…

…Except I wasn't sure what I'd do once I left. I didn't know any way to return home, and the entire place looked like a barren wasteland. I guess I should just explore this shrine to help pass the time until a solution presents itself.

Stepping out of the kitchen, I enter the shrine's main room once more. This whole place had a somewhat overcast atmosphere to it, which was interesting… for now, at any rate. It's somewhat bleak, I'd say, which isn't actually that bad.

The shrine door slides open, a rather frazzled young woman stumbling in. "Yuyuko-sama, I'm ho~me…"

She doesn't notice me at first, tiredly walking in. She stops in the doorway to the kitchen, and turns to me.

"...When did you get in here?" She raises a brow, a tired expression on her face.

"When some maniac decided to put me here, of course."

Youmu, I assumed, sighed. "You know what? I'll figure that out later…"

She proceeded to enter the kitchen, and I followed quietly. I watched her come up to the cake…

"...Oh? Did Yuyuko-sama really… bake something, for me…?" She rushed to the drawers for utensils...

"Actually, I'd advise you didn't." I give her a helpful suggestion, once she returns to the cake-

 _Thunk_. The fork she quickly jabbed into it didn't so much as pierce the exterior crust.

"A-ah…?" She tries again, and achieves the same result. After a few more attempts, she stops.

I raise a brow as she slowly stands backs from the cake… and grins.

"The things that cannot be cut by my Roukanken, forged by youkai…"

 _Woosh!_ She tosses the the plate into the air- the two cake slices sent swirling through the air.

She leaps back, and suddenly it was as if time slowed down, the spinning of the plate slowing along with my own movement. Youmu narrows her eyes.

"...Are next to none!"

 _Shi~ng!_

With a clean swipe, a line of light was left in the air as the two cake chunks evenly shattered into four pieces.

Yuyuko, as the girl called her, took this moment to float into the room.

 _Spla- thunk- thud_. A splatter of frosting from the quad-sected cake to collided with her face.

...Turning back around, still smiling, Yuyuko slide the door in shut.

Holding out an arm, Youmu gaped. "A-ah… Yuyuko-sama!?"

 _Thu- thu- thud_. Her sock-clad feet padded against the tiled floor of the kitchen as she bounded to the door, sliding it open and dashing after her mistress.

You know, this may turn out interesting after all.

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

We're all seated at the kitchen table, while Youmu had her head face down on said table.

"I'm sorry, Yuyuko-sama…" she pouted, apologizing for both dirtying her and presumably smashing 'her' cake.

"It's alright, Youmu… you did the world a favor." Yuyuko patted her head, prompting her to raise her head up.

Almost idly, I looked at Yuyuko. "I feel kind of insulted by that, but whatever. Could anyone tell me where I am yet?"

At this, Youmu raises a brow. "You don't know already? You're in the Netherworld, in Hakugyokurou to be specific."

In turn, I raise a brow at the name. "Hakugyokurou?... So it's not Gensokyo?"

Youmu's face shifts to one of surprise. "You know of Gensokyo? You definitely don't look like you're from it…" Her eyes run up and down my clothes.

Blue shirt and beige short pants, and blue-white sneakers. I wasn't dressed to impress, to be certain.

"I heard about it from a friend, who is probably dead at this point." I state, not particularly caring about my clothing, or my friend.

"A-ah… I see…" Youmu's a little offset by that last part.

"Now, now, don't count your chickens before they ha~tch!"

Yukari hung upside-down out of a gap, over the last unoccupied edge of the table.

Youmu's face fell. "Not you again… Why did you send me back here, anyway?"

Yukari receded back into her gap, and fell out of it upright into the chair below her. "Reasons, as you'll see, my dear You~mu!"

Scowling at her, Youmu settles with putting her elbows on the table and her head in her hands. I notice a large floating marshmallow of sorts floating over her. Was that always there?

I curiously stare at it for a moment, before Youmu's eyes shoot at me. "What're you looking at?"

"Oh nothing, just a supernatural anomaly manifesting itself over you." You're being haunted by a marshmallow.

She looks vaguely offended. "Thanks. I appreciate it."

Yuyuko giggles lightly. "Oh, Youmu, you know he didn't mean anything by it…" Yuyuko phases out of her chair and moves up behind Youmu, and abruptly hugs her.

"Yuy- Yuyuko-sama…!" Youmu jumps in surprise...

I stared blankly at the exchange before me. "Before you two get too intimate with one another, I'd still like to know why I'm here, since I have things to do and all that."

Yukari smirks. "Oh, do you? That's why you spend all your time complaining about school work, doing school work, watching Youtube, or talking to that friend of yours?"

"You know what?... I really don't have anything to do, do I, but that still doesn't explain why I'm here instead of Gensokyo." I stare at Yukari, making my point.

Giggling, Yukari folds a fan over her face. "Oh, I just thought you could use a little… adjustment, as it were, and who'd be better to do it than my good friend Yuyuko?"

I turn to where I thought Yuyuko would be, only to find Youmu was no longer getting molested. Suddenly, ghostly arms wrapped around me, and I was in a cold embrace.

"That's right~!" Yuyuko cheers, her arms slightly phasing into me. This would be more relaxing were her embrace not like stepping into a freezer…!

"If 'adjustment' includes being harassed and possibly being killed, then I don't think I appreciate it." I shoot back, just as coldly as Yuyuko's embrace at the moment.

"Aaawww… who else would have taught you how to use a blade properly?" Yuyuko teasingly replied.

"Y-Yuyuko-sama!" Youmu blushed, standing up with her arms on the table.

I furrow my brows. "M-myself, thank you very much, as I already know how to use them." I stutter, before shifting into a more sophisticated sentence.

Yukari leans in. "Is that so…"

...and then Youmu brings the flat of Roukanken lightly down on Yukari's head. "A-aren't we getting a little off-track here!?"

Yukari laughs. "Fufufu~! I suppose that is true… Get off him, Yuyu-chan." Yukari instructs her friend.

"Aawww… but I was having fun…" Yuyuko releases me from her chilly embrace, before floating back to her side of the table.

Her eyes scanning all the table's occupants, Yukari seems to have devised a plan of action. "Say, Youmu…"

Youmu turns to her, having calmed her nerves somewhat. "W-what?"

"You had a shopping excursion planned recently, yes?" Yukari asked, raising a brow.

"Uhm, that was before the incident, yeah…" Youmu elaborated, hand to her chin. "...but what does that have to do with anything?"

Yukari's eyes shot a little wider. "Oh, right! The incident! I had almost forgotten…"

She turns to me. "What can you do?"

"Let's see…" I start counting my capabilities using the fingers of my hand. "I can walk, talk, breathe, kill..."

Yukari waves a hand dismissively. "Typical human qualities. Anything useful?"

I smirk. "Bake horrible cakes."

Yukari snorts in response, but otherwise says nothing.

Yuyuko raises a hand. "Ooo, ooo, ooo!"

Yukari turns to her. "Ye~s, Yuyu-chan?"

Smiling widely, Yuyuko responds. "He's really good with scissors!"

Yukari grins. "Ah, is that so? An adept wielder of scissors, is he? Not every day does one come across a master of such a dual-bladed art…"

Youmu almost looks offended by that comment, but knows replying would only put her in the hot-seat, as it were.

Yukari turns to me. "Well, do you have any scissors on you?"

I wonder… what if I said I didn't? "Not at the moment, unfortunately."

Out of a gap dropped another pair of iron scissors. Guess my question was answered.

"In any case… Youmu, I'm sending you back to the others, exce~pt… I'll be sending the outsider off with you." Yukari finished, hiding her smirk behind a fan.

Youmu stood up. "W-what!? Yukari, he can't- waah!" Youmu fell into a gap, chair and all.

"Bring me back a souvenir!" Yuyuko shouted after Youmu before the gap sealed shut.

Turning to me, Yukari's smirk held. "Use your scissors well, out there! I'm sure you'll be quite good credit to the team!"

A gap opened under my chair, and I fell into the eye-filled void.

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

I emerged next to Youmu's chair, but she was already up and about, talking with a shrine maiden and a witch who were ahead. We were all stationed in the outdoors, at the side of a large lake.

The sun stood high in the sky, if at a bit of an angle… the natural glow of it a rather stark contrast to Hakugyokurou's bleak lighting.

I squinted my eyes to keep up with the light. Too bright…!

"... Goddamn it, Yukari." sighed the shrine maiden, looking at me.

"Another one!? Yukari's been feelin' gap happy lately, ze!" the witch exclaimed, also looking at me.

Youmu looked nervous. "I don't know about you guys, but I'm not sure if he's fit to-"

The shrine maiden cut her off. "Look, the last asshole wielded _plant hangers_ and somehow contributed. Unless this guy is flat-out unarmed, I don't think he'll have any problems, if all outsiders are as insane as that last guy."

Plant hangers, huh…

Marisa- yeah I knew the names of her and Reimu already, my friend introduced that much to me- eyed me. "What can you do, then, ze? Do you wield coat hangers, or what?"

"Nah, instead I use..." I reach for my pockets carefully, and in one smooth motion I draw a pair of scissors. Twirling it around, I hold it with the blades extended, ready for violence. "... these, which I should use to cut that ridiculous hair of yours."

After a ginger moment of contemplation, Marisa reels back, laughing heartily. "Whahaha- oh, that's rich, ze!"

Reimu looks at me incredulously. "I stand corrected, for whatever reason that seems marginally less fitting of a weapon than the last guy's. Good job, you." Reimu starts clapping her hands.

Youmu sighs, but allows herself an amused expression.

Reimu starts for her shrine. "Well, in any case, you seem to have your wits about you. Come along, we've not got all day."

Marisa trails along behind her, and I begin walking after them, with Youmu in tow behind us. Before long, we reach the the steps of the Hakurei shrine, and I look up to see the immense staircase…

Reimu begins to fly up the stairs to the shrine, as does Marisa. I look to Youmu. "...Well that's not very fair, now is it?"

Youmu shrugs. "I'll walk up with you, if that'll make you feel any better."

I shrug. "...Not particularly."

Youmu proceeds to fly up the stairs herself, leaving me to climb them.

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

Holy… shit… stairs…

I mentally congratulate myself upon completing the almighty climb up the stairway to heaven, and pant as I reach the top. The other three are sitting at the front wooden steps to the shrine ahead.

...I've had enough of shrines and staircases for one day.

"He~y! He made it in under five minutes, ze!" Marisa held out her hand.

"...Tch…" Reimu placed a bag of yen in Marisa's hand, who chuckled in reply.

"You two…" Youmu looks at her allies unevenly.

"Thanks… for the assistance… fuck you..." I pant out, slouching with my hands on my legs.

"Hey, everyone has to climb it once." Marisa reasons, tossing her money up and down.

"In any case, we need to get going." Reimu states, standing up.

"But… where, exactly? We don't have any leads…" Youmu states, looking away.

Marisa stands up, and walks forward. "We could always see if the doctor knows anything. You never know."

Reimu shrugs. "I don't know about that… we've bothered them enough during the last incident. I don't know if they noticed all the missing furniture yet…"

Youmu scowls at Reimu. "I don't wanna know…"

Marisa shoots her head up in realization. "Aaah! What if that flower youkai has something to do with it, ze!?"

Reimu glares at her. "Last time we bothered with her we almost started a hard battle just because of that goose chase that other outsider sent us on."

Other outsider, huh?

Putting a hand on Reimu's shoulder, Marisa tries to convince her. "But it makes sense, think about it. She's into plants and things, and she of anybody'd keep up with Gensokyo's seasons."

Reimu nodded. "I guess you're right… but if we think she's gonna fight us, we get out of there, no questions asked. Alright?"

Marisa laughed. "I never thought I'd hear you utter a sentence like that, Reimu!"

Reimu chose to ignore her, and turned to me. "You there. We're going somewhere really dangerous. You okay with danger?"

I smirked. "I really don't care. It's not like I'll be doing anything anyway."

Reimu smiles. "Hmm… see, Marisa? Someone's got a good head on their shoulders, at least."

Marisa rolls her eyes. "If you say so, ze…"

Reimu starts to fly off, and Youmu joins her. Marisa begins to aswell, but turns to me. "Eheheh… kinda forgot you outsiders are new to the whole 'flying' thing. Hop on, ze." Marisa proceeds to scoot up on her broom.

I hop on wordlessly, because I'm pretty sure if I said anything about this situation, I would get myself mercilessly slaughtered.

"...Not the type for words, are you? Fine by me, I've got a few pals like that!" Marisa makes conversation, as she takes off. I make sure to grip the broom part tightly, and to avoid as much contact with the witch as possible.

Marisa catches up to her buddies, and before I know it we're over a sunflower field.

...It's pretty bright from up here, all things considered. Not every day that you see the world from way up above. Oh yeah, I'm really high up, aren't I? I grip the broom tighter, anxiously eyeing the Earth. That sure is a lo~ng fall...

"...You're not surprised? It's not every day you outsiders might get to be this high up, y'know…" Marisa voices my thoughts, but…

"...Am I supposed to have some sort of cheesy reaction to this? I'm more worried about falling off and splitting my head right open."

Marisa chuckles. "You too? Man, outsiders are such wimps, ze…"

It's called logical integrity, and being fifty feet in the air with only a mere stick to hold on to.

We float into the epicenter of the sunflower field, and a green-haired woman floats up to meet with us. Who was this again, Kaza-something? I forget…

She smiles at us. "Oh, my… What brings you four here on such a nice day?"

"The leaves. You noticed it too, right?" Reimu gets to the point, not wanting to spend much more time around the green-haired woman, evidently.

"Ah, yes… Someone seems to not be doing their job, I take it. I think I know why, too… but should I tell you is the question?"

Reimu shrugs. "Do you want to see more flowers than fall ones bloom, or not?"

She smirks. "Right… The Aki sisters had been taking refuge in my field for quite some time as of late due to the pursuit of a rather suspicious figure, and I had given them refuge just long enough for them to find a way out of their predicament. They eventually encountered some of those dust devils on the rim of my field… and they didn't come back after that."

Reimu groaned. "Do you _at least_ know where they went, or am I going to have to start hunting around for some eyewitness testimonies?"

She raised her hand. "Ahhh, don't be too hasty, Hakurei… they left in the direction of the manor not too long ago. They were working on some device with the aid of the dust devils prior to arriving to my field, as well, but they said their operation was foiled by some… unwanted guests while they were away. They had come back to ruins, according to them, so they began work between here and the manor."

…Dust devils? What the hell are those?

Reimu nodded, satisfied. "...Well, that went better than anticipated."

Youmu's eyes lit up in realization. "That explosion…!"

Marisa realized it, too. "Aaahh… we might need to go check back at the mansion, ze…"

"Don't be a stranger, little ones…" The green-haired woman finished, waving at us as we all flew off, with me on the back of Marisa's broom.

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

We hovered in the air over a field of fire, burning trees and scattered palisade pieces everywhere.

"...So what happened here?" I asked, eyeing the wreckage below.

"Looks like the devils had a playdate, ze…" Marisa chuckled nervously at the carnage below, as we all continued towards the manor in the distance.

"Isn't it day? I thought they didn't like the sun…" Youmu questioned, staring at the mansion ahead.

"They don't like it, but it's not going to kill them, you know. Vampires didn't get where they are by burning away in the sun." Reimu provided, scowling at the massacred landscape.

Vampires, huh? Sounds like fun, as long as they don't sparkle in the sunlight…

We touch down outside the manor, and a stand manned by a- what the hell is that.

"hi friends" Can I kill it already?

"...Hi." Reimu says to it awkwardly, before continuing in.

"...That wasn't there last time we were here…" Youmu looks at the stand questioningly.

Marisa, however, walks up to it. "Hey there, slugger! How's it goin', ze?"

The… thing… waves its fin-like appendages. "im fluffy"

"Great! Can I get a discount?" Marisa goes in for the kill…

The thing starts biting at the air, offended.

"Dammit…" Marisa slouches on the counter. "What's for sale, anyway…?"

On the counter is a wide selection of octagonal boxes, ranging from a pastel-blue one and a red one to a black one and a white one, all with quite varied appearances.

"...I'm not even going to ask what all of these do. Anything cheap?" Marisa looks increasingly depressed with each development.

"nope" It shakes its head, donning a neutral expression.

"Shit." Marisa backs away, disappointed.

Youmu walks up to it. "Are these all… mini-hakkeros? Like yours?"

Marisa nods. "Don't ask. They're fluffy."

Youmu looks at Marisa curiously, "...Right," before turning to the thing. "Do you have anything that'd interest me?"

The fluffle wiped the desk off, and now katanas were on it, the mini-hakkeros falling off the desk and mysteriously disappearing.

"Hmm…" Youmu lifts a blue one, and her eyes widen. "Th-this has the same weight as Roukanken…"

She swings it a few times, and Marisa jumps away. "Hey! Watch where you swing that thing, ze!"

Youmu ignores her, significantly more invested in the sword. "...Can it…"

Time almost seems to slow as Youmu slashes the air, and some trees nearby in totally different locations than the slash fall.

I'm not even going to ask how that works.

"...I-it's almost identical to Roukanken… but…" Youmu stabs it into the floor… and a huge ice blade shoots out under another tree, uprooting it entirely.

"...That's a unique spell imbuement... " Youmu eyes the blue blade. "I'll have to ask Yuyuko-sama for funds for this later… How much?" She looks at the finned being.

"seventy-five thousand yen, friend" It smiles. Ech.

"...Only? That's actually kinda cheap for this quality of blade, but… okay…" Youmu eyes it, before setting it down.

I walk up. "Alright, any katanas that I could use?"

The thing shakes its head. "you cant buy any of those, friend"

I tried.

It wipes the table off, the katanas falling into nowhere presumably, and then a line of scissors were placed on the table.

I'm never going to get rid of the scissors thing, am I?

Reimu and Marisa were already inside the walls of the manor's estate, doing their incident-related things, I'm sure.

I look at my selection…

A yellow and orange pair of scissors that's gleaming brightly in the midday sun…

A black, runed pair of scissors that's almost devouring the light around it…

A pink pair of scissors that looks like it came from Barbie's first play-dough cutting kit.

A red pair of scissors with red blades and jagged crimson handles.

Finally, there was a pair of blue, wet scissors, with a puddle forming under them.

I eye the black scissors… "How much for those?"

"one hundred thousand yen, friend" It smiles… ech!

"...Great." I look at the Barbie's fun house scissors.

"...And those cost…?" For comparison, at least.

"five thousand yen!" It raises its fins.

"...What's it do?" It looks completely useless, but is probably the only remotely affordable thing for awhile.

The dust devil proceeds to explain. "the Quick Scissorangs, enchanted to always return to the wielder and never break, despite their plastic design; although, in close range combat they're nearly entirely useless due to being plastic play scissors" the thing finishes, waving its disgusting fins around.

I look to Youmu, who shrugs.

"Five thousand yen isn't a big expense, so…" She puts the yen on the table. "I guess you deserve it, being forced into this by Yukari and my mistress, and all…"

The thing smiles widely… ecch! "thanks, friends! now i must ride the comet of stars!"

I take my new pair of pretty pink scissors as the stand suddenly rockets off into the night sky. I jump back from the dust brought up by the engine as it roars off.

"...That was an experience." I decided. Note to self: con money off that Yuyuko lady later. If Youmu can ask her mistress for 75k for a shiny new sword, why couldn't I?... For a shiny new pair of scissors, that is…

"Certainly…" Youmu watches the stand rocket off, unsure of what to say.

"Hey, you two! Enough screwing with the fluffles and get in here!" Reimu yelled from beside the manor, standing near what looked like a very beaten, tipped over wood golem.

I'm not calling those freaks "fluffles". I'm calling them mumbling abominations.

I pocket my hot pink Barbie scissors, and proceed to walk up to the wooden mech with Youmu.

Sakuya Izayoi, as I recall, teleports next to us. "Yes, this thing attacked a few hours ago. Meiling made short work of it, however…"

Come to think of it, we didn't see Meiling by the gate earlier…

Youmu eyed it. "That looks to be a fairly impressive wood golem…"

Sakuya nodded. "It's vastly enchanted to be far more powerful than any oak wood creation should be."

Sakuya looks to me briefly, but doesn't say anything. I'm comfortable with that.

Youmu smirks. "The things that cannot be cut by Roukanken, forged by youkai…"

Reimu groans. "Here she goes again…"

"...are close to none!"

Shiing!

Youmu's blade sliced clean through the mighty oak golem.

Crack!

It split open, evenly down the middle.

"Kyaaahh!"

A distinctly female voice emerged from inside the golem.

"W-what…?"

There was another one, apparently.

"...So that's where you two were." Reimu sighed.

From the mech, the shivering figures of the two Aki sisters emerged- although who was who I had no idea.

"A-ah… oh, it's you!" The one with shoes, as I'll dub her, hopped out and ran towards Reimu, then suddenly hugged her.

"Wh-whah!?" Reimu yelled out, trying to pry the girl off her.

The non-shoed one emerged, looking around. "Aahh… it broke… but how?"

Sakuya looked rather cross. "...Care to explain the siege you two attempted with those fluff monsters?"

The Aki sisters stared at her for a moment, before sporting surprised expressions. "Wha~t!?"

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

I stood during the explanation, examining the ruined manor which acted as the backdrop for our little discussion.

"We thought those things were leading us to that guy who threatened us… not this place!" The shoed one explained. "That man- he wants to kidnap us!"

"Who?" Reimu questioned, a tired expression on her face. She probably had enough of mysterious men busting into Gensokyo from parts unknown, by this point.

Marisa had taken off into the mansion earlier, apparently, because I didn't see her with the group anymore. Youmu looked somewhat bored… and I wasn't really in the mood for sticking around for the negotiations.

I began to walk off, and Youmu looked towards me as I did, but didn't bother to follow or stop me.

"He-he was big, and mean! And, and and and…" The shoed sister elaborated helpfully.

"Slow down and use words. Words are helpful." Reimu gave her a dry stare.

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

I walked into the mansion, looking around at the construction efforts apparently going on across the main foyer. Why the hell was this place a wreck, anyway? What even happened here…?

A black-haired fairy maid wearing a hard hat floated across the foyer, holding a bucket of water and a sponge, and had a belt with a megaphone on it.

Suddenly, an orange-haired fairy maid flew in from the large door at the opposite end of the foyer, above the stairs. "Komi, quickly! Fire in hallway fifteen! Twelve fairies down!"

'Komi' as she was dubbed, turned to her. "Twelve down? What the fuck kind of a fire is this, a blazing inferno!? What even happened!?"

The two fairies zoomed down the hallway, doors slamming behind them. Slowly, the sounds of fire became more prominent…

Marisa shot out of the double-doors. "Look out, ze! The place is goin' down!"

I think it'd be a wise idea to leave, right about now…

I run out of the front entrance.

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

Standing at the front entrance, I watch the fire quickly overwhelm the entire manor.

A short vampire with lavender hair, presumably Remilia Scarlet, stared at the inferno, jaw dropped. "What the hell happened!?"

A blue-haired fairy maid shivered in place. Komi and the orange one elbowed her forcefully. "Yeow!"

Remilia glared at the blue-haired one. "Was it… you?"

The blue-haired fairy maid crouched, and broke out crying. "Ye-yes! It was! I dropped the candle-lighting stick and-and it caught fire, and I didn't wanna tell anyone, so I just left it, and…"

Remilia's eye twitched. "...You. _Fucking_. Amateur!"

The fairy blanched, and began flying away, and Remilia began chasing after her.

In the background, the mansion collapsed, the only structural part standing being a large rectangle of walling, which for some reason wasn't burning, a faint blue glow appearing where the flames licked.

Marisa whistled. "I shoulda installed a magical ward like that on my house, ze…"

Flandre ran up to Marisa out of nowhere and glomped her.

"Oof!" Marisa flew backwards, landing on the floor.

"Marisa!" Flandre cheered, hugging her.

"T-too… tight…" Marisa choked out, being squeezed too hard.

"Get off her, you. You're killing her." Reimu provided offhandedly.

"O-oh no!" Flandre let her go, and she gasped for air.

"I-I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, ze…" Marisa took a deep breath, staring at the sky above for a moment.

"Live, Marisa!" Flandre stood over Marisa, cheering her on.

Marisa sat up, scratching the back of her head. "How ya doin', kiddo?"

Flandre beamed. "Great! I met the plant hanger man, the one who slayed the wibbles, and he helped me escape the cellar and I talked with my sister and I'm a big girl now!"

The fuck was a wibble? And how were they slain by plant hangers!?

Reimu lifted Marisa up, standing her upright.

"Tha-that's great, Flan…" Marisa awkwardly stated, not knowing anything about what Flandre was talking about minus the sister part, and perhaps the plant hanger man part…

I still wanted to know what a wibble was.

"We don't have time to be screwing around with wibbles!" Reimu shouted, whirling Marisa around. "The Aki sisters recently took off to find that fluffle horde again, thinking they'd be safer with them. Chances are, whatever asshole's tailing them's gonna try something again, and Gensokyo's fall is going to be delayed until we do something, so we're going to be tailing the fluffle horde. Any questions?"

...Did she just say fluffle horde?... You mean there's a whole legion of those freaks?...

Youmu raised her hand. "Ca-...can we have a snack break?"

Reimu glared at her. "No."

Youmu pouted.

Flandre raised her hand. "Can I-"

Reimu cut in. "No."

Flandre pouted. "You're mean…"

Komi walked up to us, grinning. "I am going to-"

Reimu cut her off. "No."

Komi glared at her. "At least listen to-"

Reimu began to fly off. "No."

"Fuck you!" Komi yelled, as she flew towards Reimu, only to catch a red and purple yin-yang orb to the face.

Pi~chun!

"Let's go!" Reimu yelled, flying towards the direction she thought the… thing… horde was in.

Marisa hopped on her broom, and patted the back. "Hop on, ze. We're in it for the long haul."

I hop on the back of her broom. I really wish I had my DS right now… but I probably couldn't play it fifty thousand hundred feet in the air, anyway.

Youmu flies up to join us, and as we fly away I survey the slowly darkening sky, seeing a glowing teal disc slowly hover across the sky towards the mansion ruins as we depart.

Gensokyo did have a pretty neat night sky, though.

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

We close in on a palisade circle in the fields next to a tall mountain. Tiny mobile palisade forts circled around it.

"Another one of these things, ze!?" Marisa shouted, her incredulous gaze darting around the creation.

"I assume the Aki sisters are already being guarded by the fluffy fuckers." Reimu irately states.

We hover down near some woods outside the field. Marisa touches down on the outer edge of the woods.

"You'll need to hop off here, ze. I'm gonna be doing some pretty fancy flyin', and if those fluffles start shooting, lasers'll be flyin!"

Youmu turns to me. "I'll be scouting the outer rim of the fields. I'll keep an eye out for you."

Reimu floats towards the fort. "I'll do the negotiating thing."

...And like that, I was suddenly stranded on the edge of some forest. I sure felt helpful!

"...I wonder…" I look in the vague direction of where the Hakurei shrine was. Chances are, if anything, that'd be a good place to head off to…

I start walking, and pass some guy in a tuxedo with a top hat on, a pair of steampunk goggles on his face. On his back was a large, grey, rectangular object, seeming to be a blaster or pack of some sort.

He turns to me. "You! Hold it, right there!"

I turn to him. "Who the hell are you?"

He opens his mouth, but then double-takes. "Wait… are you not hunting for me? You're part of the Hakurei incident resolving team, yes? The one asshole with the plant hangers? You're not a Gensokyian, to be certain..."

I shake my head. "I'm not who you're looking for, and whatever business they attend to is not my own."

The man shrugs. "Oh. Well… you never saw me, alright? The miko, the witch, whoever sees you… I was never here. Got it?"

"Whatever you say. I'd like to imagine you never existed, with that attire you have on."

He jerks his head back, mildly offended, but he doesn't bother to act on it. "Well… well, good enough I guess. You can just fuck right off then- just don't uh, tell anyone… that you saw me." he awkwardly finishes, sending mixed messages.

I walk off into the forest ahead, pretty certain the path ahead was towards the Hakurei shrine…

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

I walked through the dark woods, the night starting to set in. Few leaves littered the floor as fall seems to have still been halted.

"Curious aesthetic, as it were…" I muttered to myself, moving forward.

"Is that so~?"

I hear a female voice behind me.

Slowly turning around, I find a floating blond girl is staring at me, closely behind me.

"...Yeah. That is so." I counter, backing away a bit.

"...All these reds and yellows, it reminds you of a good pasta or steak, yes?" she smiles, arms extended to their sides.

"...Not really." I admitted.

She smiles wider. "...It almost reminds me of humans, too!"

I raise a brow, continuing to back away. The ominous way she hovers prompts me to keep a close eye on her; she keeps getting closer…

"...Can I eat you, mister?"

Well, if I had any doubts before…

I twirl my steel scissors out in one hand, and my pretty barbie scissors in the other.

"This funeral ain't gonna be open casket…"

The youkai before me tilts her head. "...Is that so~?"

I tense as she stops hovering, anticipating something to happen… and I jump to the side as a stream of danmaku flies out of her, shooting towards me.

She takes this moment to close the distance towards me, not bothering with any other combative measures. I bring my pair of scissors back as she nears, and plunge it into her chest.

"Aahh… that stings!" She floats back, clutching her stomach as the wound bleeds and slowly starts to close back up.

I toss my pink pair of scissors at her, and it bonks her on the head.

"Yeowch!" She reels back, clutching her head as I close in on her.

I smirk. "Fightin' men might not be your thing, lad…"

From there, I run up to her while she's stunned, and jab the steel scissors in her eye, blood immediately rushing out.

"Guh-guuah!" She screamed with immense volume, her screaming having to have echoed throughout most of the forest. She reeled back, clutching her eye with both hands, tears streaming down the other.

"Wh-why…" She stumbled back, before encasing herself in her darkness, and floating off haphazardly.

I toss my pink scissors again, and I hear it collide.

Clack!

I didn't hear her reply, though, probably in more pain from the eye injury than anything that little pink pair could possibly do.

It still felt good, though.

I fold my scissors back up, and smoothly slide them into my pockets, continuing towards the Hakurei shrine…

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

...But seriously, fuck those stairs…

I reached the top at the dead of night, panting. Stumbling up and into the shrine itself, I lay down on the floor inside, before letting sleep take hold of me.

…

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

I awaken just where I was when I went out, except it was apparently day, if the birds chirping were any indication.

"So you're finally awake, it appears. Get up."

I look up at her from the floor. "...I'll get up when I feel like it."

She kicks me lightly in the ribs. "Get up."

Agh… I clamber up clumsily, rising to my feet, still tired.

She glares at me. "Just where did you go the other night?"

"Here." It was true, after all.

Rolling her eyes, she continues. "Obviously. Why did you wander off during the night? It's dangerous, you know."

I stare blankly at her. "Dangerous being around you people, yes."

Reimu glares at me. "You're lucky you didn't meet any youkai. I thought you at least had enough wits about you to know that."

"Oh don't worry, I befriended one on the way here."

Reimu raises a brow. "Suuure…" Looking away, her gaze shifts to the door.

"If you're such a youkai whisperer, why don't you go out there and show them what for? Tell me how that goes." Reimu stubbornly provides with her arms folded.

"I'm alive!" Marisa walks out from a different room, awake.

I look at her briefly, before getting up and heading for the door.

Marisa watches me leave, then turns to Reimu. "Wasn't Youmu supposed to be keeping an eye on him?"

Reimu shrugs. "Her problem now."

I walk out the door of the shrine, and gaze down the steps. The huge, insane staircase…

In any case, I started walking. It was easier than climbing it, at any rate. Raindrops were falling upon my head, and the staircase was a little slick, but it was nothing I wasn't used to already.

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

...Well, now where would I go?

I stared from the path at a forest. It had a very scarcely traveled path leading into it, and the forest itself had faint particles visibly floating from it.

I stared down the traveled path, and saw what looked like a town in the distance. Hmm…

Behind me, the path led to a large lake. Faint fog obscured the mountains around me, which no doubt would get worse as the day goes on.

I start for the forest, because in all honesty, that's the real only place I think I could go to not get confronted by anybody, and considering the particles being emitted from it, it has to be at least somewhat interesting.

Walking into it, I pass a pile of tables and chairs and rather rubbish-looking furniture. I don't bother to get near it- maybe some hostile youkai has a shitty taste in home design...

I walk further into the woods, only to find a strangely modern-looking house in a clearing.

Coming up to the door, I knock on it. Who the hell builds a residence like this in the middle of this… faintly disintegrating forest, or whatever? I didn't know what was wrong with this forest, but I don't think glowing particles are normal…

The door opens, and a woman with short blonde hair greets me. "Ah, hello…" She scans my clothing. "...Not from Gensokyo, I take it?"

I grin. "Not at all, and neither is a friend of mine, who you may or may not have met."

She sighs. "I see… in any case, come in." Leaving the door open, she recedes into the house.

Walking inside, I gaze at all the dolls decorating the walls… which all gaze back at me. Not sure how to feel about that…

"Did anyone send you here, and do you need anything?" she asks, lifting some dolls off the central table.

Now that I think about it… "I have to go fetch something from Marisa's house, but I don't know where it is."

She raises a brow. "Again? Patchouli sure knows how to get mercenaries, these days…"

She walks over to the corner of the room, and points her arm at the wall. "This direction, vaguely. Northwest, were my door the north, yes?"

"Great, and while I'm at it I also need some string for something I wish to do later." I really wanted to try some experiments with my scissors… and those dust-ridden mumbling abominations...

The woman shrugs. "Very well. Here…" A doll floats up to me, holding a thin strand of string.

"It's the kind I use for my dolls. Steel alloy, but extremely flexible. Should last you at least fifty years for conventional clothing, were you only using the string itself. When fully wound, it'd last longer… but you don't need the details…"

I raise a hand. "I'd uh, like a spool of string… and I'd like a spool of regular string as well."

She nodded. "Alright, then. What are you even planning on making, anyway?"

"A way to not die as easily... or more easily, we'll see."

A curious expression crosses the woman's face, but she shakes it off. Another doll floats up, holding a tuft of pink strings.

"Here you are, some cotton strings. Pretty reliable in most clothing, and easy to cut and bend and whatever."

I hold out my hand and the doll drops the tuft of string into it. I insert it into my last pocket… I could really use more pockets, now that I think about it…

A spool of the steel alloyed string is also brought to me, and I accepted it.

"Is that all?" she asks, folding her arms.

I nod. "Pretty much." I begin to walk out the door.

"Have fun out there. Tell me how the steel alloy string goes, I'm curious." She waves, but I respond with only a silent nod. I shut the door behind me, and start heading in the direction of Marisa's abode.

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

Through the soggy forest clearing, I find a pavilion. Wait, that's supposed to be Marisa's house, isn't it? Considering a whole wall is missing, it almost had me fooled for a moment there…

Inside, I see stacks of magic tomes, various instruments… I find a table with pencils and pens on it, and open the drawer under it.

Hmmm… more paper, ink bottles… dainty little scissor things, but I don't think those will be any more useful than the ones I've got. I took one of the sealed ink bottles. Someone was going to have a _really_ bad day… although that someone is yet to be determined.

I lift a sack full of books in the corner of the room, and dump all the books out. Tomes and stuff… I flip one open out of curiousity, and it appears to be written in magic-glyphics. That's not entirely helpful.

I look over to the papers on the desk again, but decide not to shove it into the sack. It's raining outside, so that wouldn't live long, I don't think…

A shame, too. I could have used some writing utensils and paper, so that I didn't have to chuck this ink cartridge at somebody in the near future. I took the quill pens, at the very least.

There… doesn't seem to be anything else of use here. Marisa hordes a lot of crap, doesn't she…?

I leave the house, exiting the forest of magic from the way I came, with a sack with just a couple quills in it.

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

I was just outside of the forest of magic, now. I don't think I followed my path out very well, but I got out, at any rate. I didn't see that furniture fortress again.

I'd probably best be getting to somewhere where it wasn't a torrential downpour before I start fiddling with this string…

I look to that one village in the distance. With any luck, there'd be a few roofs I could liberate for my own gain over that way… I played enough Town Of Salem online to know my way around villages, at any rate, even when it was just people yelling accusations and lynching each other.

I walk towards it. I've done a lot more walking than I'd have liked to today…

Coming up to the gate to the village, a rather mediocre guard greeted me.

"Yo-you! What're you doing here in this weather!?" He points a finger accusingly.

This will be annoying. I raise a brow. "What are _you_ doing here in this weather?"

His face becomes conflicted for a second, and he sighs. "Well, ah… shit. I wish I wasn't, at any rate. This weather fucking sucks!"

I nod. "Yeah, it does, which is why I want to go home, please."

A surprised look crosses his face. "O-oh, you're from the village? I'm so very sorry about that, let me let you in…" He turns to a reel and starts pulling it- seemingly oblivious to my foreign apparel, now drenched from the unrelenting downpour- and the gate rises.

Entering the town, the gate closes behind me. Few villagers are seen on the paths ahead, probably all dissuaded by the current weather.

From there, I walk down one of the streets not directly cutting through the town, as there is no need to traverse the main streets in such weather…

Most stores don't have their lights on, as the owners probably opted to spend time with families or in rain shelters or something. One noticeable store had its lights on- some furniture depot.

Walking up to the store, I put an ear to the door...

"...It's all gone, Mary! They took all my hard work!" The wailing of a man was heard inside.

"The guards will find the youkai who did it, honey… It shouldn't be too hard, anyway…" A girl's voice was heard, presumably comforting the man inside.

Walking away from the door, I glance at my nearly empty sack. Hmph…

I near one of the houses on the side of the road, and walk around it, until I come to the back door of the home. I see a faint light coming from one of the windows, and some smoke emitting from the roof, presumably from a chimney.

Approaching the back door, even though it had a lock, I pulled on it anyway. It was, in fact, locked. Well, shit.

No one responded, however, so I assume no one noticed. The rain was loud as hell, anyway…

I sighed in the rain, and looked to a window on an upper level. This building had enough room for an upper level? It was pretty stout, but I suppose it could have had an attic or crawlspace…

A pole jutted from the ledge, some strings idly hanging from it and being thrown around violently by the wind and rain. I couldn't reach it from here, but…

Standing under the overhang behind the house, I pulled out the Barbie's Dreamhouse scissors, then pulled out some of the steel alloy string from the spool… finding myself unable to cut it. I guess I'd just have to tie a knot and hold on or something.

Looping the string inside the loop of one of the handles of the pink scissors, I proceed to wrap some of the string from the spool around my hand to give me something to hold on to.

Here goes nothing…

Tossing the Quick Scissorang up and around the pole, it floats back towards me and the string starts pulling. I hold onto it with both hands, and end up being dragged into the air until the Quick Scissorang catches up with me. I grab it, and now I was using both hands to hold myself a couple feet off the floor, one hand on each edge of the string.

"...I seem to be in a predicament…" I mutter to myself, before slowly edging my way up the string, my legs dangling. I let them dangle- no need to try and curl up only to break the thin steel string or the pole above with my weight, because I don't think either of these things were supposed to hold a whole human long enough to climb at least one story.

After reaching the pole, and precariously maneuvering myself onto it with my arms and legs, I crawl inside and retrieve the string and the scissorang.

"...Not the most graceful method, but it got the job done…" I whisper to myself, now in what appeared to be the attic of this quaint little, albeit generic abode. Wind and rain splashed inside now and then, wetting the attic. Good job on you, leaving your windows open…

I carefully, cautiously step to the hole in the attic, leading to a ladder. I peek my head in… and the room below is empty. Good…

Slowly, I take the creaking ladder down- he'd figure it was just the wind and rain abusing his roof, anyway… and reached the bottom, whirling around, softly stepping through the house. In the central room where the front door was, there was no one. These were rather tiny houses, all things considered…

The final, back room had a fireplace in it, and before it sat a man with short black hair hunched over and rubbing his hands together.

"Come the fuck on, already…" grumbled the young man, probably in either his teens or early twenties. He wore simple leather clothes, and had a hilt around his belt, probably holding a short sword. He didn't see me peek around the corner, as his entire home was dark and only lightly illuminated by the gloom outside and the flickering of his fire.

"God… fuck!" he swore aloud, tossing another log in the fire. "This sucks!"

Smirking, I slinked back behind him, carefully stepping through the dark corners of the room. I thought he'd have noticed me the moment I walked in from the side, because the light slightly caught me there, but he was too frustrated by his fireplace to notice anything else, and I did not make any noise.

I flip out my scissors, with a little light ticking sound produced by the motion, but the house creaking and the shimmering of leaves accented it, along with the heavy pattering of rain outside drowning out most other noise.

I was now directly behind him, the back door to my right now. I glance at the scissors, and then at his exposed neck. There is only one way this will go…

"My life sucks…" The man sighs, crouched over the fire.

I walk up slowly behind him, scissors raised, poised, and ready to strike.

"...Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth living." His voice cracks…

"...Well, at least you died for my amusement!" I exclaim loudly.

He jumps. "What the fu- Uuaauugh!" I plunge my steel scissors into the base of his neck and he reaches out, grasping the top of the fireplace. Blood flows out of the back of his neck, but it doesn't gush; it simply flows down the blade of the scissors, down the handle, and onto the floor as it dripped.

"...Gugh…" His muscles relax.

I retracted the blade, and the man fell to the side, blood pooling from his neck. I stared at the body for a moment. That actually wasn't so bad.

I stretched. "Aaahhh, that relieved some stress…"

Looking around, I wondered if this man had anything of value… I bend down, and reach into his pockets- I'm pretty sure this primitive little village didn't have any DNA or fingerprint scanning technology, by far…

I pull out a bag of yen... around two thousand, if my research meant anything. "Hmph… he lived a cheap life, apparently."

It seems he has a sword. I pull it out of the sheathe, only to find it was a wooden blade.

"What the hell…?" Was he in training, or what?

Dropping the wooden short sword next to the back of his neck, I made sure it was dabbed in the blood a little. The infamous mystery of the man stabbed by a blunt wooden short sword.

I chuckle to myself, and look around the rest of the home. Aside from the wood pile near the fire, it was mostly empty. A little end table was in the corner of the room, completely featureless.

"...Nice place." I say to myself, before leaning against the wall. It was atmospheric, at the very least.

...Although to be fair, this was a big waste of time. I didn't make much money, but it was exciting regardless.

Leaving the home, I shut the back door softly. Casually, I walk through some back roads until I come to the main road again, and allowing me to move towards the center of the village. It was almost as dark as night, but I knew it was only midday. How horrible was Gensokyo's weather supposed to be, anyway?

I walk through the village square uninhibited by anything; most if not all villagers were making themselves scarce in this horrid weather.

Coming to the western side, assuming I entered the village from the south side, I looked to the right, seeing a very out-of-place house fully lit.

Curiously, I make my way around the back door. There were no attic windows, and all the main ones were closed. I tried one… and it didn't go too well, not budging an inch. I didn't know if that's because they were locked, or poorly made, to be honest.

I try the back door, just for funsies, like last time…

Click.

It opens.

...Huh. Either someone had nothing to fear, or they were just really stupid.

I walked inside, and instantly saw a bed, although no one was resting on it. The room was empty, lanterns adorning the room.

Furrowing my brows, I slowly opened a rather well-maintained wooden door. No creaks! The first thing that didn't creak in this entire village…

A girl in a red coat, with red hair, sat at a table, her back to me. Her strange coat concealed her neck, disappointingly. It had a large collar, concealing up to halfway up the back of her head. She appeared to be eating something, if her arms moving and the clicking of a plate indicated anything

I could probably flip the collar down anyway, I figured…

I flip out my scissors. Could I go two for two in one night?

I step softly towards her. I didn't hear the rain quite as fiercely due to the roof being better, but with any luck…

She didn't show any signs of noticing me. I wonder… would that other method work better or worse?

Instead of going for a clean backstab, I bring the scissors forward. Realizing I couldn't quite cleanly slit her throat with something like scissors, I get a little more inventive and attempt to clip it like a sheet of paper.

Quickly, I fold the left of the collar down and begin-

-only to find her entire head pop off and roll onto the table, no blood spilling at all as I jump back in surprise.

...The body stood up, reached over to the head, and put it back on. She turned around to me, staring blankly.

"...I'll give you an E for effort, at least." she said, putting her arms into her coat pockets.

I raised both brows. "Uh… yeah..." Well that singlehandedly killed off my euphoria.

She sighed. "Poverty, or fun?"

"What if I said both?" I ask, slightly embarrassed.

"...I'll assume the former, then." She tosses me a bag of yen, and I catch it with my chest and both my arms.

"...This isn't the first time this has happened, you know. Provided, most were because people suspected me of being a youkai. They weren't wrong, but they didn't need to know that." Walking over to the front door, she opened it.

"Sekibanki. Don't tell anyone, and I won't tell anyone. Deal?" She stares me in the eyes.

"I never planned to, but sure." I begin to walk towards the front door, but she stops me.

Her arm blocked the doorway. "Name. I told you mine. I'm not letting you leave without yours."

I sigh, slightly annoyed by her actions. "Matthew. So can I please leave now?"

Nodding, she releases her arm from the doorway. "Don't try it again, at least not on me."

The door closes behind me as I leave, and I mentally groan. "That definitely won't bite me in the ass later…" I grumble to myself sarcastically.

Looking in the bag of yen, five thousand sits inside, so I had seven thousand total. Hopefully that could afford me something useful in the future…

I move through the village, heading for the entrance I left from- but wait, wouldn't the guard recognize me? Bah, I could just climb a wall or something…

There's a house lit up to the right… but I'm not in the mood anymore. That girl was kinda a buzzkill…

So I walk down the dirt road towards the 'southern' entrance, and pass a green-haired woman. She's smiling faintly as she walks down the road, and I don't pay her any mind, despite her rather outlandish choice in colors. Plaid was a rather unique color scheme, if I may add…

I pass her, and she pauses as I pass her.

"Take some advice… from one killer to another."

Mildly surprised, I pause and turn to her. She's now turned to me, grinning.

"There's always someone worse than you… and in this instance… that someone is me." Her grin becomes more maniacal, a wide smile on her face now.

I fold my arms. "Sure, whatever. I'm kinda tired right now, so tell me again when I care, okay?"

A ginger silence followed… before the woman before me laughed heartily.

"Hahahah!... Ohh~ I'll be certain of it now…" She walks away into the center of the village, still laughing to herself.

I'm somewhat curious as to how she knew I was a killer, but nonetheless I had other business to attend to.

I walk away, and hear her call out to me, somewhat muffled by the rain.

"See you later, boy! Stop by the village on a sunny day, sometime!"

I don't stop to respond, and continue towards the walling on the south side of the village.

With sight of the gate, I instead deviate to the right, and come to a ladder. No guards seemed to be manning the walls today, because it was wet, apparently. I don't know why you wouldn't need to guard a wall just because it was wet, but in any case no one seemed invested enough due to the immense mud and slush building up outside.

I leap off the wall, and fall into mud, as anticipated. It's a bit deeper than expected, reaching up to my knee, but I trudge out of it, marching forward until I found the path again, missing the guard entirely. The heavy rain and fog obscured the features of the village behind me, and of the path ahead.

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

Trudging down the somewhat muddy path, I could feel the rain pattering against my skin and clothes.

I look to my left, and see the furniture fort from before now mobilized, a legion of dolls carrying it and a large sail plastered on it. On the sides of it were two brightly glowing pieces of tree bark, firing tree bark-shaped danmaku forward.

It slowly soared by me, and I heard shouting from it.

"Waahuueehueee! Full speed ahead, to the manor!"

...You know, I would be surprised by that, if not for the fact that I knew exactly who that maniacal dumbass laughing up there was.

On closer inspection, I saw that blonde woman from earlier trailing behind, controlling the dolls, presumably.

…I supposed I would be following their trail of tears to the manor.

Continuing forward, I followed the glowing of aquamarine, tree bark-shaped bullets. The bark cannons and the bullets themselves illuminated the fog quite nicely, if I do say so myself.

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

I was forced to navigate around the lake, but I knew just where the lake was the entire time due to a laser light show going on in the sky, the craft apparently meeting resistance on its way to the manor. It eventually stopped as I reached the other side, and I saw the craft float through the gate of the manor.

I closed in on the gate, and despite the heavy rain, the mumbling abomination was still manning the stand, but had a little hat with an umbrella attached over it. The umbrella didn't even totally cover it, and it was soaked, but it still looked really satisfied for some strange reason.

"hi friend" It still looked really satisfied, and I didn't like it.

"I'm not your friend." I told it.

"friend" It kept smiling.

It started to climb onto the stand. "lets snuggle"

I put my hand out and push it back down. "Please, no."

The thing frowns momentarily.

"...Do you have any wares for sale?" I ask it reluctantly.

It smiles again. Dammit.

"take a sneak peek, friend" It brings out a selection of scissors again.

The selection was mostly the same as before, except for a pair of scissors that looked more like two kunai knives tied together at the handles.

I point to it, my eyes instantly caught on it. "What exactly are those?"

The thing smiled wider. Eech! "seventy-five thousand yen, the Shadow Run Scissors; on kill they give the wielder healing up to the maximum stamina of who they killed; however, they slowly reduce the normal maximum stamina of the wielder over time, which goes back to normal across the same amount of time spent unwielded."

…Strangely specific. I point to the red scissors. "How much do those cost?"

It raises its fins. "five thousand yen, the Flame Scissors-"

Creative title.

"-provide incendiary strikes, and boost the fire abilities of the wielder, boosting fire spells!"

...In any case, that'd be more helpful than my typical steel scissors. "Very well." I place the yen on the table.

"thank you, friend!" The fluffle slides the other pairs and the money under the desk, and I grab my new Flame Scissors, pocketing them in my front pockets with the rest.

"i must be off-" I quickly took out the Quick Scissorang, and tossed it around the dust devil.

"Waaal!" it wailed as the steel string pulled it towards me. I grabbed it as it came back to me, and I quickly wrapped the steel string around the hand… fin… things, so that it'd stop squirming as annoyingly.

"Waaaaal!" it wailed again.

"Be quiet, you little shit!" Pulling the cloth string from my pockets, I wrapped it around its legs and fin appendages, retracting the steel string once it was secure.

"help, help!" the thing yelled.

I folded its legs behind it, and finally tied those up with some more cloth string wrapping around the chest and legs.

I sat the fluffle down on the counter momentarily, satisfied. I furrowed my brows for a moment, then ripped off the umbrella hat, putting it on my own head.

"im a loaf" The thing smiled, somehow finding joy in the situation.

"...I'm not sure what to say anymore." I stuffed it into the sack, and it made fluffy coos.

I turn to the front gate, which was hanging wide open, construction work still being done, and a ramp being constructed to the strange aircraft comprised of furniture.

The mansion looked to be in a far more presentable condition than it used to be… although all I mean by that is that it wasn't a pile of rubble, at the very least. They'd also finished the front foyer, at any rate.

I step forward into the front yard.

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

CHAPTER 1 END

PROTAGONIST: Matthew, the Debatably Sane Outsider

PRIMARY WEAPON: Bloodied Steel Scissors - Stained lightly with fresh blood from a young human male. Sharp, shiny-ish, and to the point!

INVENTORY:

Steel scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Quick Scissorang - Non-elemental scissors that are enchanted to return to the owner with ferocity. Not that powerful of a weapon, but combined with strong string it can be used like a powerful grappling hook. Looks like it belongs in a Barbie catalog.

Flame Scissors - Fire-elemental scissors that have an incendiary effect on strike. Boosts fire magic and abilities, as if I had any.

Steel-alloy String - An experimental item provided by Alice as part of her testing. She uses these herself to manage her dolls, or so I'm told.

A Tuft of Cloth Strings - Pink, regular cotton string. It's soft, and clean.

A Fluffy Hooligan - Soft, and warm to the touch. Ech!

(3 more empty spaces)

PARTY:

A Fluffy Hooligan - Soft, and warm to the touch. Ech!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Finsticuffs.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

HEHEEHEEEYYYOOO it's me again the man with a plant hanger for a head yo

i always wanted to see two stories intermingle like this… so i did it myself! woohoo!

provided it's not that mindblowing since it's going from chapter one of this story but yaknow hnnnngh and all that

that's chapter one done at any rate- it's gonna be awhile before this gets published, probably!

see you all in a zillion years!

EDIT: decided to make this a ONE-SHOT CHAPTER that might recur now and then as a .5th chapter thing when i FEEL INCLINED TO ELABORATE…

EDIT 2, 1/11/19: this has been REVISED to be SLIGHTLY BETTER…! i mostly went in and changed as many things that started with "I" to something else as possible that required minimal effort

oof

CO-AUTHOR'S NOTE:

hey hey hey, guess hoo

if you've read FREAKIN GENSOKYO or even this chapter at all you should know exactly who (or maybe not, who knows), but ill tell you anyway: the frik friend of the guy above me

he really just wanted to make another story for FREAKIN GENSOKYO, so here we go, about yours truly!

if you havent guessed, this is going to be a semi-serious side story about a psychopath. arent those just lovely. it should be even more interesting to see how i manage to change the flow of FREAKIN GENSOKYO in some way with my tomfoolery and show what's happening in the background while the plant hanger man is off screwing up something else

Update 1/11/17: hey, i updated this chapter cause i finally decided i wanted to change it up a bit and fix errors for first impressions. and i made a new intro… yeah... woo. this chapter's probably still cringe but hopefully less so

Update 11/26/17: why the hell was this not published for _nearly a year._ i only just now found this out, and i have no idea how it happened, but here it actually is this time i guess


	12. too much water - IGN

(in which we phone a friend)

I watch the fairies finish up the ramp with haste and use a piece of plywood to precariously carry Remilia and Flandre down the ramp, another piece of plywood atop them keeping them dry, as they walked down the ramp and into the manor… well, room.

It was a voompire sandwich!

"Freakin' cuddly…" I said to myself, walking down the ramp and leaping off it halfway.

I clap my hands together. "Woohoo! Me: one, typhoon: zero!" Yeah!

I look around at the damp atmosphere of the estate, looking at the faint fog and heavy rain that pattered this side of Gensokyo. My eyes run across a rather out-of-place man walking up onto the porch...

My eyes widen. "That hair… the out-of-place clothes…" Well, if it isn't…! "Heheeey! Leego! How's it goin, yo!?"

He smiles back in a debatably-friendly manner. "Oh nothing, just getting molested by the local wildlife."

I walk up, hand extended. "Yo ho ho!"

Sakuya appears to the left of me. "...You two know each other, it appears?"

"I wish I didn't." he responds bluntly, ignoring my outstretched hand.

I make a strained expression. "Son…"

Fluffy coos emanate from his sack.

Looking down to the sack, I smiled and nodded. Greetings, comrades! "...I see you brought dust friends!"

Sakuya sighed, "Just… don't burn down what's left of the foyer, you two…" before vanishing, presumably tending to the mistresses.

"Oh~ don't worry, I got other business to attend to." Matt- as his actual name was- says while taking some steel scissors out of his pocket, opening the sack and stabbing the source of the coos.

I jerk my head back, grinning. "Oooh~! Scissors!...they're intimidatin'!" Freakin' pointy!

Matt moved his arms somewhat restlessly. "Sure, and I'd like to see _your_ weapon of choice- couldn't be much better."

I reach into my sack, and brandish Swift Brand. "Behold! Swift Brand the mighty!"

After staring at the plant hanger in utter exasperation for a moment, he suddenly lowers his head and issues a very exaggerated facepalm. "Of course..."

Shrugging, I hold up the hammerspace sack. "Hey, yo, I've got like an armory of awesome plant hangers in here!"

Ha-chan floats up to me. "Ah… who's that guy?" she asks, her eyes glancing over him.

Matt looks between us with a blank expression. "...So, who is that supposed to be? Your own personal maid?"

She blushes. "W-well… you could say that…"

...I dunno how to react! "This uh… this is Hana! I call her Ha-chan, 'cause she's freakin' cuddly!"

He tilts his head to the side. "Remind me to kick your ass later."

I chuckle, hands in my pockets. "Just like ol' times, right, son?"

"Yes, old times… about a week ago to be exact."

...Disregarding that, I make for the door. "Let's not just stand out around in the rain like freakin' chucklefucks! C'mon, friends, into the grandiose Scarlet Devil Manor!"

I walk forward dramatically, swinging open the large double doors…

...and we are greeted by the sight of Sakuya making a campfire in the middle of the room, the two sisters huddled around it while the gatekeeper was in the back hammering away at a section of wall.

"...Very grand!" I emphasize. Well, we got that camping trip, I guess!

Remilia Scarlet turns to Matt. "Hmm… who is this?" She raises a brow, curious.

"A friend of this lunatic." He points to me, smiling.

I smile at Remilia gingerly. "He's friendly, dude."

Remilia nods slowly, turning back to the fire. "Sure he is…"

We walk towards the back of the foyer, and out one of the doorways we see the large rectangular space of the Voile Magic Library, as it were, still intact.

I turn to my pal. "Alright yo, we've got a life goal… for today! We gotta save the princess!"

"By bashing her head in?" he asks, looking amused.

I nod, a stupid smile forming. "With a freakin' tire iron yo, if those existed in Gensakey. No, yo, we're gonna freakin' bust in loud 'n' proud, yo! I couldn't do it earlier, but maybe I can now!"

"Sure..." Matt reluctantly agreed to go along with the event.

And so we march back out into the rain.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We stand before a double-doored entrance to the library, which was apparently sealed shut with a powerful magic seal.

I took a swing at it with Swift Brand, and it bounced off. "Freakin' unbelievable!" I knew that wasn't gonna work, anyway...

Matt folded his arms. "Great job, Prince Charming. You'll definitely save the princess at this rate."

I wield Quake Maker, pulling it out of my sack in moments. I start to apply the strength-up to myself, getting pumped!

"Oh yeah, yo? It's time to make some quakes, and I ain't afraid of no quakes!... as long as we're not around lakes!" Lakes are bad for quakes!

His sack rustled lightly. "im baked" spoke the fluffy hooligan. Aww.

With that, he quickly slammed the sack into the wall. "Shut up."

Annnd the strength is here! "Fuck magic doo~rs!" I roared, bringing Quake Maker's edge to the door.

Weowp!

The hanger hammer was repelled back, seemingly accomplishing nothing. I stumbled back a bit, brow twitching. "This is a real freakin' embarrassment!"

"One more failed attempt and I'll bash your skull in." Son...

I turned to him, grinning. "Son, I'll use you as the battering ram if you keep that up!"

I reach into my sack and start pulling out some things, until I find a friend.

It's a fluffle I stole earlier! "hello friends"

"I found a pal!" I exclaimed. I brought it close, only to hold it a medium distance away from myself, debating to hug it. I dunno, he's freakin' fluffy, but he's also freakin' fluffy...

My friend's eye twitches as he rips the fluffy hooligan out of my hand by its head and slams it into the door.

"help! i seek culture!" it yelled out, wiggling against the magic barrier.

"Useless trash..." he tossed the fluffle down onto the ground and stomped on its soft, fluffy head. It was nuzzlable!

"Waaal!" It started wailing, flailing against the dirt. Aww!

I began looking crestfallen. "But it was fluffy…" I wanted to hug it!

He glares at me with slightly widened eyes. "You'll learn the true meaning of being fluffy soon enough if you keep that up."

Looking to the door in contemplation, we wait outside in the rain for a moment… and then I grin. "Oh boy, oh boy! I've got just the thing!" I don the Holy Hanger of Holiness and Holy Holes. "Friend, do you have a darkness thingamajig yet?"

From his pocket comes hot pink and magenta scissors that look like they came from Dora the Explorer's backpack. "Only the darkest."

I stare at them somewhat incredulously. "...I won't even ask. Yo, you got anything remotely elemental yet?" He's gotta have something! Even wet things would do!

He unfolds some red scissors, which look similar to Flame Dispenser and Sakuya's Crimson Jazz knives. "Fire-based scissors. If I ever decide to be a raging arsonist, I guess."

I pull out Hydraulic. "Okay, we can make this work… I think! Okay, now we just gotta do the thing with the sparks…" I focus really hard and scrunch my face up, staring at him! This should work!

He raises a brow. "...What do you plan on doing?"

I drop my focus and sigh... "Okay, look yo, we gotta build your limit break bar or something!"

His brow remains raised. "...I knew you were crazy, but not this crazy." Woah, no!

Groaning in frustration, I toss him a mana potion. "Yo, probably my last or second to last one. Freakin' chug that, that might do a lil somethin' for ya."

He suspiciously examines the mana potion, then shrugs. "Whelp, if you say so."

Gulp….. Gulp….. He takes a breath. Gulp... Gulp…..

Hah…

...His face contorted extremely to the powerful taste, scrunching.

I chuckle in response. "Yeah, I know, you get used to it after awhile…" You really do.

Suddenly, something shimmers in his eye. Oh, boy!

I cheer. "Heyo, it's working! We can break all the limits now, not just the immediately accessible ones!" Like the fourth wall!

He stares blankly at me. "What is that supposed to mean?"

I prose myself for the limit break, and begin explaining things to Matt. "Alright son, we gotta do this all nice and proper! I'm gonna shout one of your names, and you're gonna be like 'we are the enemy team, roar' or something!"

"...Sure…" He dismissively states in response.

I leap into the air!... only to fall back down! "...What name do you want me to use again?" I dunno if this'd work if I called him "Lego" or "Leego"...

"Just Matthew here would be fine."

I nod, then leap into the air again! "Matt!" This felt weird, for some reason!

Matt leaps into the air aswell, with surprising vigor. "Out of my way!"

We floated up to each other's backs. "Balance Sign! Eternal Session!"

Whirling around, we smack into the door with fierce elemental ferocity, water and fire flaring as we flail our weapons wildly against the magic barrier.

Fwaash! Thunk! Fwoom! Splash!

Matt smirked. "Is that all you got!?"

We jabbed at the door with our respective weapons, then jumped back, and sent barrages of water and fire danmaku at the door.

Fwash- Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump!

I grin cockily. "I'll take 'em!" ...I say 'em', but we were fighting a singular, non-sentient door...

We slowly hovered towards the door menacingly, back to back, as a giant red pair of scissors and a giant blue plant hanger whirled around us, huge waves of water and flame slamming into the barrier and forcing it to ripple.

We propel in opposite directions, using each other's backs as springboards. "Get owned, son!" I shout, whirling around to face Matt.

He grins widely. "You're gonna lose it all!"

From there, we send huge orbs of danmaku rocketing towards each other, colliding in front of the door producing large non-elemental blasts.

The 'battlefield' faded to white as the orbs intensified…

Fwiiish...!

We finish with a handshake in the center. I nod, pumping a fist. "That's it!"

Matt nods in turn, "Time's up!"

…

That was crazily powerful compared to my other limit breaks! Yeeheheeaah!

My friend turns to me. "...What the hell was all of that!?"

I've got no idea! "I don't freakin' know son, but we pulled out everything but the kitchen sink on that one! We need to add a thing where we like, pull out trampolines and start juggling the scissors, and-"

He cuts me off before I get any further with that. "Whatever that was, it doesn't need to get any more ridiculous than it already is."

I pout, if that was possible with my face. "Daaww… I wanted to toss plant hangers on the trampolines and play them like that Game & Watch fire escape game…" I wonder if we could defeat Reimu by the sheer left-fieldedness of such a spellcard...

"Say another word and I'll kill you on the spot." He sticks out a hand to emphasize his point, folding his arms.

We take this moment to look at the barrier, and it has faint cracks in it.

"Graaahhh!" I've had enough of magical tomfoolery for one day! "Fuck doors!" I punt the barrier… and it shatters.

CRAAACK!... clatter clatter clatter…

The barrier exploded into teal shards of magical glass, all falling down around the library's rectangle and dissipating. The door slowly drifted open, creaking as it did so.

"...Huh, that actually worked." I scratched my head, smiling. I guess that limit really did a number on it!

"What the hell's going on out here!?" we hear Remilia yell from inside the foyer, staring out at us.

"I heard explosions, and splashing, and a big fwoom, and and and…!" Flandre peeked out from the door, excited.

Patchouli peeked out of the door of her library, shocked. "W-what… could have possibly…?"

I raise my hands and look around, smiling. "Citizens of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. Do not be alarmed, but operation 'Beat The Everloving Shit' out of a door is a total success!" I leap in place, pumping my fists. Fuck yeah!

Matt licks his lips, presumably riding off the power high of the limit break. I figured he'd do something like that eventually!

Patchouli sighed. "It looks like the fire is over… and with the barrier gone, I can actually get back to work…"

Remilia scratched her head. "You guys… broke the barrier? You two?...How?"

My smile gradually faded, and I stared Remilia dead in the eyes. "...Pain."

My friend accompanied me, and when Remilia's gaze shifted to him… "Suffering." he nonchalantly added, folding his arms and giving a cold, flat stare.

Remilia made a vaguely concerned expression, before walking back into the inner foyer, shaking her head. "Sometimes I don't know about that hooligan…"

Flandre didn't budge, smiling and staring out with curiosity, seemingly unphased by the exchange. She's too easily entertained!

Time to be happy again! I smiled, "Let's go son, we gotsa library to explore and a magician to seduce!"

New goal for Gensokyian bucket list: make love to the cuddly magi!... eventually… even if it might take another twenty chapters to get anywhere…

Cr-crack…

Me and Matt stared into an arbitrary direction for a moment. That's a limit we shouldn't be breaking!

Matt looked at me. "Yeah… we do."

We walk into the library ahead, soaked. I'll never need to take another bath again!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We came up to the resident magician, who was slowly arranging books on a high bookshelf, using a tall ladder. Either her mana was really low, she really liked preserving it, or she just had a thing for the novelty of ladders!

She sneezed, opening a book, the dust particles whirling around her face.

"B-blast that familiar… being absent at a time like this…" Patchouli sneezes again. Where the hell was Koakuma, anyway? I left her at Daiyousei's house, but uhhh… I don't think she's around there anymore. I'd really, really have to check.

"Hello~! Friend!" I abruptly shout, waving my arms at the base of the ladder.

"M-mukyuu!" Patchouli jumps, flailing her arms, dropping the book as she falls back-

I got this one, guys, I got this! I hold out my arms, ready to catch her…

-and she stops herself before reaching my outstretched arms via levitation magic.

"... That's cheap…" I fold my arms, trying to pout with my not-so-adorable face.

"You're cheap." Patchouli replies, frustrated with me.

Matt turns to me. "She's not wrong."

I tilt my head towards him. "Son, I'm gonna demolish you."

He stares back at me blankly. "And I'll violate your corpse."

Patchouli glares down at us, floating back up to her ladder. "If you two have nothing better to do, then surely you could assist me with some organizing… multiple books were misplaced during the siege."

I shrug. May aswell… but then we hear stomping from behind, accompanied by the slamming of the library's main door as it closed again. We weren't far from the entrance, anyway…

"You!" Yo! What's Youmu doin' hea?

I turn around, finding her soaked to the bone, with Myon following her. Myo~n! You're freakin' cuddly!

"Where the hell did you run off to!? I had to look everywhere for you!" Youmu glared at Matt, teeth clenched.

"Here." he elaborates extravagantly.

"Home." I tell Youmu all she'll ever need to know.

Youmu's left eye twitches. "Y-you… aaggh…" She groans, closing her eyes. "Let's just get out of here… although I don't think we can quite get home in this weather…"

I give a friendly smile. "Wanna help flip, stack, serve and eat books?" I casually suggest.

Patchouli double-takes. "What did you just say about my books?" Patchy wot, m8.

Uh... "...Anything you wanted me to say…"

She glares. "I take it wit is not your strong suit?" I admit that last one was kinda weak.

"Not even close." Matt, you're not helping!

"Hey, hey hey…" I put up my arms defensively. "I may not be witty all the time… but I'm wet, if that counts for something…" I could kill a youkai with these puns!

Youmu tiredly stares at me. "I'm wet. And cold, too."

Matt proposes the question I wanted to ask. "...Are you not sad, aswell?"

Glaring at him, she yells. "I'm pissed off is what I am!"

"Well I'm sorry that you feel that way. I'll make sure you continue to feel that way." He smirks.

"..." Youmu sighs, slouching tiredly, giving no words to his remark.

After a few awkward moments of silence, I raised a hand, ready to flee.

"I'd just like to add… that I'm fluffy everybody…" Smiling warmly, I look around the room. Everyone was freakin' angry! Tough crowd tonight, yo!

"Stand still for a moment, please." Matt calmly requests.

I think he's onta me yo… "...nah son I think I'm good!"

"No no no, I insist!" He gives a big, warm smile with closed eyes as he casually strolls towards me.

I reach for my sack of hammers. "Don't make me break out the ol' hushcracker on you now, son!"

His eyes narrow into slits. "Then it would be nice if you didn't make any… ridiculous outbursts, right?"

I whip out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber. "See this son!? The Bee-Sheventeen Ba~awmber!"

Patchouli rolls her eyes, sighing. "Oh, lords, not this thing again…"

Matt looks at my plant hanger, and chuckles. "...The Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber…?" He got it right the first time! Now I can't-

Youmu tilts her head, squinting. "...B-bee Shev...sheven-" Thanks, Youmu!

"Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber!" I blurt obnoxiously. Satisfaction...

"Don't encourage him." Patchouli glares at Youmu.

"So... what does that do?" Matt casually asks.

...Maybe I should give him a first-hand demonstration! "...Yaknow what, son, c'mere…" I gingerly step towards him.

Patchouli floats up off the library floor. "I'd rather not."

Youmu doesn't react, not having seen the effects of this hanger before.

Matt brandishes the pretty-in-pink scissors. "This should be interesting, shouldn't it?" He twirls his scissors in one hand, and holds some object in the other...

Brad smiles cockily. "I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Star Fox!" I always wanted to say that! I aim the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber's barrel at Matt.

Matt pauses for a moment, and then throws his pink scissors in a careful arc. Were they like the Quick Boomerang from Mega Man 2?...wait…

I see a shimmering metal string- similar to Alice's, although more apparent- presumably as it wasn't her handicraft. I wonder…

"What's that, a yo-yo scissor of some kind? Yo ho ho!" I carefully duck back to avoid collision with the pink scissors, even if they were blunt, and I let the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber get taken by the string- that thing had vicious return velocity!

Matt tries to catch it, but it collides with him instead.

Blam!

Sorry, friend!

He flies back into a bookshelf, the pink scissors returning to him on the string, the plant hanger falling to the ground-

Blam!

...and exploding again.

"Wahaha~!" I laughed, across the aisle from him. "You just got an express package from… my plant hanger? My plant hanger was the thing that… I screwed that quip up!"... Words, or something! I don't know!

"You fucking… bitch…" he grumbled while standing back up. I think I made Leego angry…

"Have you had enough, friend? I've got plenty more tricks where that came from!" I call out, reaching for my bag of tricks again…

Matt ran towards the fallen Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, eager to get his hands on some decent weaponry, but...

I wouldn't do that if I were him! "Oooh, resourceful one, aren't you, lad?" I defensively whirl Swift Brand out, trying to provoke him to take the 'superior' weapon.

Instead, he pauses abruptly, and slowly raises his hands.

"Fine fine, you win for now…" he calmly states with his hands in the air. "I think I'll go browse the bookcases instead." Hmm, he seems to have realized I had more stuffs…

...I really need to learn how to do more than swing plant hangers like a lunatic, as fun as that was.

Youmu walked forward to protest, but probably remembered her earlier comment about the weather, and just ominously loomed in place instead.

Suddenly, a Yukari appeared! Woohoohaaah!

"Oooh~, my… is this a squabbling amongst friends I see?" Yukari suddenly hangs upside down from a gap between Matt and me.

"A friendly outing amongst the competitors in the ring!" I exclaimed, before raising both hands to my mouth, cupping them; "...And his name is John Cena! Boo doot doot doo, dweeeww!"

I chuckled to myself like a maniac as most occupants stared at me as if I'd grown a second head.

Yukari folded her arms while upside down. "Tsk, tsk, tsk… I don't maintain Gensokyo just for everyone to be enemies!"

...which is why humans live in constant fear of youkai! You're not fooling me, you busty blonde… youkai… thing!

Yukari dropped through a gap in the floor and landed in front of Matt. "And you, my friend, are a little overdue on your little expedition."

"I was having a little harmless sightseeing." He shrugs. For whatever reason, Yukari appeared a little peeved with him...

"Fufufu… Indeed. If you really must, I'll go over some ground rules with you later... just be sure to watch that jabbing arm of yours!" Yukari giggled, fan unfolding to mask her already blatantly amused expression. We can hear you, you know! That fan hardly even covers it- I can see you from my angle!

A gap starts to open under Matt. "By the way… when I plan a course for you to take…" Yukari stares flatly. "I expect you to take it."

Matt drops through the gap.

Yukari slowly turns to me, grinning. "Well…? Was it everything you wanted, and more…?"

I raise a brow. "...You're gonna be having your hands full there, Yukari."

Her smile falters, but her tone doesn't change. "Oh~?...What could you possibly mean?"

I smirk. "Ah, nothing. Something about pop culture puns, I assure ya."

Giggling, Yukari begins to recede into a gap. "My, my… I'll tell you this much… A woman's hands are always clean."

The gap shut, and she was gone.

I stare at the air for a little while. "...That was freakin' weird, yo!"

Patchouli looks at me curiously. "...That way you spoke with Yakumo… you're smarter than you exude, hmm?"

I smile. "Yes, I am the next Albert Einstein of magi!"

"...Nevermind." Patchouli dismissively floats away.

Youmu's eyes widen. "W-wait… she forgot about me! I can't go home in the rain!"

I walk up to Myon and freakin' hug it. "Cuddly."

Youmu jumps, and raises her hands. "H-hey! What are you doing!?"

I start to walk off with Myon. "I found a friend, friend. Goodbye." I start walking off into the bookshelves…

Youmu runs after me, looking very conflicted. "H-hold on!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Patchouli, Youmu and I all sat around a table deep within the library, because we all had literally nothing better to do.

"This weather is rather peculiar…" Patchouli stated plainly, quite uninvested in the topic she brought up. Her face was in a tome of unknown contents, as usual.

"Nope, it's a bright sunny day. What're you talking about?" I stare at Patchouli questioningly, even though I knew it was freakin' raining nuclear warheads outside.

"...You're annoying." Patchouli concludes, still reading.

"...I can't get home in this rain." Youmu solemnly concludes.

I stand up. "We should do something!"

"Let's not." Patchouli denies.

"Damn." I sit back down, sighing.

...Second verse, same as the first!

I stand up. "We should do something!"

"Please, no." Patchouli denies.

"It's too late for that, Patchouli! We must… I didn't think this far ahead yet…" I sit back down, hand to my chin.

"..." Patchouli offers no words, continuing to read.

Suddenly, a drop of water lands on my head. Then another… and another!...uhm…

"Hey, uh, how well is the roof of the library insulated against water damage?... The roof to this used to be upper floors of the manor, right?"

Patchouli's eyes widen in realization. "...Oh, damn it!"

She sits up suddenly, hitting her knees on the table. "M-Mukyuu!"

I still dunno how that comes out instead of "ouch", but okay!

The dripping starts to persist across the table. I turn to Patchouli. "Look yo, what can be done to stop freakin' mass roof collapse by sheer water volume?"

Patchouli glares at me. "This is no laughing ma-"

I cut her off. "But seriously, can we do anything about this or should we start running?"

Patchouli sighs. "You never should have broken the barrier, you know…"

I grin sheepishly. "...Someone would have eventually!"

"That's probably right…" Patchouli sighs, again. She sighs way too often! People in this fanfic sigh way too often because I'm a freakin'-

Shatter!... clatter clatter clatter…

Oh shit, the fourth wall! I look around alarmed while the other two jump in their seats, surprised. I quickly st-

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ( You suck. ~Y.Y.) ====

"That's probably right…" Patchouli sighs, again. She sighs way too-

Sudden head pain! I blame all the potion guzzling…

"A-ah…" I lurch over on the table for a moment.

Patchouli eyes me curiously. "Don't die just yet, you might be useful for getting us out of here before everything falls down."

Water starts pouring in from holes in the ceiling. Hmmm…

"Hey, Patchouli?" I turn to her.

"Hmm?" She starts floating up from the floor, looking mildly distressed despite her nonchalant replies.

"Do you have any books you wouldn't mind losing?" I ask, staring at her.

"No." Patchouli flatly replies.

"Would you rather lose some, or lose all?" I ask, expression unchanging.

"...What do you have in mind?" Patchouli stares at me vainly, beginning to not like where this is going.

"We're gonna practice arts and crafts!" I rub my hands together, hopping onto the table as water begins dripping on me.

Youmu looks mildly distressed by the state the library is in. "U-uhm... "

"Alright, Patchy- I can call you that, right?" I inquire.

"Call me that again and I'll have your head upon an emerald pike." Patchouli answers, glaring.

"Yooo~kay…" I awkwardly smile into the distance for a ginger moment… "Alright, Patchouli, I need you to levi-ma-tate me up to the ceiling, along with any least-desired books!"

Patchouli makes a strained expression, but complies regardless. I feel my body slowly lift.

"You're able to control your movements, by the way, but if you leave the library's vicinity like this you'll plummet eventually." Patchouli tells me. Some books hover around me, falling into an orbit.

"Yeeheeehaaah!" I exclaim, air-swimming to the roof, and Patchouli floats up alongside me.

I was flying without a flail, even if only temporarily!

Reaching the roof, parts were quickly being eaten away by the water pooling atop the non-waterproofed flooring atop the library.

Yaknow… "Aren't most of these books waterproof?" I pop a question out there.

"Yes, but that won't save them if this entire place comes crashing down into the mud…" Patchouli trails off vainly.

"Is each page waterproof? By how much?" I ask, wanting details.

"...Pretty much entirely, I made certain. They actively repel water, but moisture can be problematic. They still get moist if exposed to heavy quantities, causing them to stick to each other. They're really only fit to bring into a bathtub… which was all the enchantment was really made for anyway. That, and to prevent basic spillages from being an issue." Patchouli concluded, coughing lightly at the end of her explanation due to the length of speaking.

I start ripping the pages of a nearby floating book.

"W-what are you doing!?" Patchouli is immediately alarmed by this development!

I start slapping the pages against a leak in the roof, holding them in place long enough for them to get moist, and continue slapping them onto the spot in question, only stopping when the leak ceases to be. The leak ceased expanding, aswell!

"Paper mache-esque, at any rate!" I exclaimed, grinning widely. I kinda can't believe that worked!

"I...see…" Patchouli furrows her brows, both in contemplation and intimidation that this'd probably be costing alotta freakin' books.

I make way for the next crack, water openly gushing down through it as it was expanding into a large hole. I started slapping papers on the edges, only for some of them to get thrown off by the water flow.

"Freakin', yo…" I start slapping them on faster and sloppier, but this eventually paid off and I'd used most of a tome by the time I had plugged the hole.

Patchouli let out a shuddered sigh. "I-I can't believe this…"

I grin and shrug. "I can't either!"

Like so, we hovered around plugging the priority gaps in the ceiling… but it was a freakin' large ceiling.

Youmu floated up. "D-do you two, uh… need any help?"

I nod. "Take some tomes and start ripping! We'll remake the entire ceiling from waterproof paper by the time we're done!"

Patchouli's eyes widened. "Lords, no…"

Youmu reluctantly took a floating tome and started ripping.

"No!" Patchouli started trembling…

We began meticulously plugging an expanding hole in the ceiling, shutting it up tight, using an entire tome in the process.

"Noooo~!" Patchouli screamed, hysterical.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The ceiling lightly dripped, but it was now smothered in pages of various tints, ages, colorations, and contents.

"...Why…?" Patchouli was lurched over on the table, sulking.

"Because water is wet." I explained, taking a bite of an orange Sakuya had brought in with some snacks earlier. We had to have spent a good few hours working on that hole patching…

Youmu fidgeted in her seat. "I-I'm sorry about your, um, books…"

Patchouli glared at her. "If you were sorry, you wouldn't have _touched_ them, now would you?"

Youmu cowered in her seat under Patchouli's glare. "A-ah... I-I guess you might, uh, be… right…"

I shrugged. "Look on the bright side, friends, at least the entire library won't sink under the shit-fields of the Scarlet Open-Countryside!"

Patchouli turned to me. "...I...guess you're right, but still…"

"Look, didn't you use least desirables? Think of it as spring, uh… fall cleaning? You know what they say about fall showers!" I stumble through conversation choices like it's a dating sim!

"...I suppose. It's a shame how they went out, though…" Patchouli still looked melancholic.

Youmu looked at me like she wanted to say something, until she did infact say something. "Say… what do they say about fall showers? I heard the spring showers saying, but…"

I slowly shift my gaze to her. "...they don't say anything 'bout fall showers." I reply lowly, giving her what I hoped was an unreadable expression.

"...Oh." Youmu didn't know what to think about that!

Patchouli looks up to the tattered, paper-mache ceiling. "Still… I suppose I should thank you for helping save the library."

I turn to Patchouli again. "You suppose? Hypothesize, even? Is the roof's current state theoretical or uh…" I jab at her language usage!

Patchouli glares at me. "Is connotation dead?"

"Yes." I reply. I had to!

Patchouli levitates a book over, and flips it open. "...Figures as much."

Youmu slouched in her chair. "I still can't get home…"

Here we were again, all seated bored around a table, only this time slightly more damp!

"...We should do something!" I stand up.

"The last time you said that, the library nearly fell apart. Sit down, and for the love of hell, don't propose that we should do something!" Patchouli snapped, eyes beginning to faintly glow.

Magi are scary!

I sat in my seat, arms folded. If only I could syphon, yo… then I wouldn't have to fear magic glowy eyes of pain!

...I doubt I'd ever get something so useful until the next fifty million chapters, or at all. I blame the fluff market.

"...Fine, if you're really so bored, I've got something for you to do." Patchouli speaks out, breaking the silence and dripping.

"...It better not be organizing books!" I forewarn.

"...Give me a moment, then." Patchouli adds, face still in her tome.

"Hah!" I exclaim, unmoving.

We sit still for at least ten minutes more, as I waited for Patchouli to crack and give me something. I grew impatient…

"Alright, fine, I'll organize the books." I grumbled, scowling.

She smiles. She knew I'd cave in from the very start! "Very good. There'll be a few things I need to tell you before you start…" Patchouli sets down her book, cracking her knuckles. Do you even use your knuckles as a magician!?

Patchouli levitates from her seat, and starts hovering around the table. "First, the books need to be categorized by the Gensokyian Standard Dewey Decimal System Modification, catalogued in detail at my study for those unfamiliar. In short, it combines the successes of the original base model but adds consideration and respect for the magical works present in such a library. Some of the other librarians in Gensokyo and I had come together to form such a system as we had similar interests in mind with how Gensokyo as a whole would handle literature."

...I just wanna know how to categorize the books, not get a history lesson on the dewey decimation system!

"Now, most of the tomes you will handle today go in the A-67-X4 section, marked by the purple, green, and lime green bands on some of the books. Only some, peculiarly. I blame the fairy maids for that, they can get a bit lazy when it comes to the identification band binding on some of the more well documented tomes." Finished, she gazed off into the bookshelves ahead.

I raise a hand. "...Ey, teach, uh… can I ask a question?"

Patchouli sighs. "...Yes?"

"...Da fuck's a dewey domination system!?"

"..." Patchouli turns to me slowly. "What the _hell_ are you doing in a library? This place is for those of some sort of intellectual worth, not raging barbarians."

I grin. "Well, how else did raging barbarians learn to pilot destroyer battleships?"

Her brow twitches. "What."

I wipe my forehead. "I dunno, yo… them barbarians learn some crazy shit in barbarian camp! They've got some crazy voodoo tribal ways, dude!"

"...I don't think I'll be having you organize books today. Or at all, as a matter of fact." Patchouli concludes.

I smirk. "Let's do s-"

Patchouli talks over me. "No, we shall not, infact, be doing anything today. It's not even day anymore. Do you know what time it is?"

I look up, not seeing any sort of light peer through the soggy pages. "Half past a fuckin' typhoon. Who put that storm there!?"

Patchouli closes her eyes, and lets out a deep sigh. She still did too much sighing! She was gonna drain the library of its oxygen at this rate! "...It's 9:26 PM in the evening, if you didn't know."

I was startin' to get this funny feelin' I was pissin' her off! "Nah, I did know. I was just testing you, yo."

Patchouli rolled her eyes. "Su~re…"

Youmu quietly ate oranges, looking somewhat amused by our exchange.

I shrug. "Regardless, I've got like, all night. I'm not goin' anywhere in a freakin' hurricane, not unless I have to!"

No one replies, so I continue.

"I've got like, what, ten hours to learn the dewey destruction system?"

I quickly slam my arms against the table, seeing an incoming projectile. Sadly, I pushed the table back instead of my chair, so a danmaku pellet struck me in the face, causing me to fall off my chair.

"Oh, shit!" I yelped, falling back. Oof!

"I'll show you a dewey destruction system, and it'll only take a few painless moments!" Patchouli shouted, eyes glowing brightly as her tome whirled around her violently. Oh, shieut!

"I've startled the witch!" I shout, scrambling up. I don't even play Left 4 Dead, and I know that joke!

Youmu starts giggling as I begin running from a severely agitated magi on a magic-slinging spree.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Patchouli breathes heavily in her seat, all tuckered out from the levi-ma-tating and the magic storms.

I nursed my everythings, as I had caught multiple flaming danmaku pellets to all of my extremities.

Youmu looked thoroughly amused.

"Look…" Patchouli pants out, exhaling.

"I'm looking, just not feeling!" Danmaku makes me all tingly on the outsides, and tingly on the insides!

"You want something to do…? Here…" Patchouli clumsily lobs a blue book across the table, and it sprawls open in front of me.

She takes a deep breath, and continues talking. "Go nuts. It's about water magic, by the way."

Water magic, during a typhoon. I dunno what to even say about that, but uh…

I look at the pages ahead of me.

"...carefully calculate the seafront diameter of your local water source; and don't let diction such as 'seafront diameter' get the best of you- that is simply defined as the net velocity of a given body of water times the total surface area of what you can see with the naked eye. In this way, a proper non-practitioner of magic can easily gauge the mana needed to be expended with just their eye and some liquid examination spells. Turn to page 5234, and 992-X5 for details on mages with disabilities and those who are in need of proper liquid examination spell referrals."

...Quick question, who read that above paragraph? I know I didn't!

"Hey, Patchy." I turn to her.

"You're lucky I don't have the energy to impale you with an emerald pillar right now." Patchouli glared at me.

"There's too many of the words, Patchy-chan! I can't ta~ke it!" I whine, flailing at the book.

"...When my mana refills, I will kick your ass." Glare intensifies!

"Patchy-sensei-san-chan-san…" I trail off.

"Your life is mine." Patchouli slowly rises from her chair, and paces over to me, tome raised.

"Waauugh!" I yell out, backing away from the impending threat of blunt trauma as Youmu has a giggle at the sight.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I lied in the dark library atop a table, Patchouli having gone to bed earlier and taking the lights out with her. Upon attempting to follow her, I ended up back at the table we were at before because she's got freakin Mario RPG maze shit goin' on up in hea.

Youmu took off to find shelter within the singular room the entire actual manor was currently comprised of… last I knew, anyway.

...Tables weren't much better than the floor, by the way…

A drop of water hits my face. No, the ceiling wasn't collapsing again, this is just what it did. Paper mache roofs aren't good roofs, you know!

...Matt still had my freaking 3DS! I hope he was enjoying Smash 4!

I blame Yukari for that one.

...

Finally, I fell asleep.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

" _The Hakurei must fall…"_

 _I jabbed at the armored fluffle before me with God Hand, and a holy light enveloped the fluffle, searing it._

" _Graaoooh!" It lurched back._

 _Bew! Bew! Bew!_

 _I parry one laser from parts unknown with God Hand, but…_

 _Vzat! Vzat! Vzat!_

 _The other two strike me on the arm. "Algh!"_

" _Shhrraaah!"_

 _Bew! Bew! Bew!_

" _The balance must falter…"_

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I awaken at my table. Man, my dreams are gettin' fuckin' weird! I miss the old wet dreams I was having earlier!... is what I wish I could say, but since most of my rests haven't been necessarily restful, I haven't even been having dreams at all!... aside from these freakin' stoopid ones!

I look to my left, seeing Patchouli at the table with another tome.

"Good morning, world!" I exclaim, sitting up abruptly.

Patchouli doesn't bat an eye. "Morning."

I roll off the table and look at the blue book again, with lots of wordy words.

"I shall digest the literature today!" I exclaimed.

I flip to a random page, seeing diagrams with symbols I didn't quite know what to make of!

"There has to be a way… to extract the magics from this book!" I bring it up to my face, not being able to read anything due to how close I bring it.

"...I could just teach you how to cast the spell, if you really needed." Patchouli provided, not glancing up from her book.

I look at her. "...Of course, you realize, that's the only way of doing things now."

Patchouli slams her tome shut. "...Oh, right. Damn."

She levitates the blue book over to herself, and starts whirling through the pages. "Let's see… practices and applications… in reality this is a really unrefined and unoptimized text, but you know… it's in English, so for you it'd be the best you could get."

I rub my hands together. "Oh boy, oh boy!"

"...Simply put, if you knew how to cast that fireball, you already knew how to cast the waterball this teaches." Patchouli explains simply.

Say who what now.

"...So to make this lesson more engaging, I'll teach you how to do a stream of water instead." Ah...

...Say who what now!

Patchouli raises and goes first, shooting a stream of water forward onto a table she levitated into place for practice purposes.

Shwoosh!

The water splashed weakly against the table.

"...It's not very effective offensively, but if you need to get them wet for any reason, well… there you are." That sentence totally wasn't awkward!

I stand. "Anything different I need to do?"

Patchouli nods. "Instead of lobbing a ball, try holding it in your hand and imagine it flowing out."

It's pretty much Mario's FLUDD move from Smash 4, and by that I mean it's a freakin weak gush of water with knockback properties… and I don't think I'd need to guard any ledges in this weather, anytime soon.

I stand, holding out my hand, envisioning a ball of water… and then I imagine charging it like Mario does in his special attack, and then I shoot it out.

Splweeooosh!

I was pushed back by the force of the water coming out.

Splash!

The table vibrated a little in the air, rocked a bit by the water.

"...Charging, hmm? I don't know where you learned to do that, but good on you…" Patchouli nodded, and began to return to her tome.

I furrow my brows. "...That's it?"

Patchouli shakes her head. "Due in part thanks to Gensokyo's generous magical ambience, due in part from your imaginative skills. Calculations are very unimportant at basic magic levels, and even at a few expert ones in some instances, making this a very good place for blooming magi. That said, it can be frustrating for practitioners were they ever to leave Gensokyo only to discover their actual magical prowess is tiers under what they studied… If we were not in Gensokyo, calculations would mean the world to a budding magician, and conversely, they'd become less important with more advanced magics since the beginning ones would be so heavy in theoretical work and abstract equations."

Finished with her speech, Patchouli returned to her tome.

Huh. That was like a freakin' lecture, but I think I got it…

I stretch…! "I think I'll be setting out now, yo!" I exclaim, standing up.

"See you." Patchouli states, face still in a tome.

"Don't let the books bite, friend!" I call out.

As I walk towards the door, it opens and Marisa floats in.

"Hey, ze! What're you doing here?" Marisa asks, surprised by my presence

"Look up, yo." I point to the ceiling.

We both look up, seeing the dim day's light glow through the paper mache ceiling.

"Holy shit! What happened!?" Marisa jerked back at the unstable roof, blanching.

"I dunno, yo. It was a little wet." I shrugged.

Marisa had an incredulous, ajar expression on her face. "A little!?... speaking of, my house was flooded the other night!"

I rose a hand to my chin. "Is it me, or has it been raining freakin' mini rain nukes across Gensokyo?"

Marisa nodded. "Yeah, there's a few of those too."

Wait… "Wait, mini rain nukes, you mean?"

"Yeah, there's these big blue bullet-shaped things, with countdowns on them that sometimes fall down. When they finish, they explode into a geyser. I woke up to one next to my bed, ze!" Marisa put her hands to her hips, slightly agitated.

"...That doesn't sound healthy!" I exclaim.

"It really isn't! I should get it checked out, ze!" Marisa replied. "Infact, that's why I'm here, to see what Patchy knows about the water as of recent!"

I grin. "Well, I think she's taken notice, at the very least…"

Marisa nods. "Mmm… See you 'round!" Marisa takes off, heading for Patchouli's approximate location.

I walk out the library do- oh god, rain! Help!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I walked into the foyer, soaked.

"It's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum… and I'm all out of gum." I grumbled, soaked to the bone.

"I'm not liking it any more than you, boy." Remilia was seated by the campfire in the middle of the room.

Flandre was asleep under some tattered blankets next to the fire, and some fluffles were gathered around the opposite side, their fins facing the flame, warming up. They had water gear on, too!

I eye the fluffles. "...Freakin' fluffy."

Remilia waved her hand. "Sakuya tried, they just kept coming back so we ignored them. They don't do any harm, anyway."

One of the fluffles had the huge burly water armor on too, but it wasn't flowing… could they control their passive abilities?

In any case, enough about the fluffy friks! "Any news on the weather, yo?" I inquired.

"I don't know. Why don't you go check?" Remilia looked at the door I came from.

"...Point." I sighed. "Where the hell's all this water coming from?"

"The sky." Remilia provided.

Giving Remilia a crude glance, I made for the door. "Alright, friends, I shall do the adventuring! Maybe I'll find out why it's raining more water than there is on the entire Earth!"

Remilia shrugs. "You do that."

I make for the door, and leave the foyer. Walking out onto the front lawn, the rain freakin' beats me the fuck up.

"Gaahh, piss…" I mumble to myself as I'm soaked in seconds, again. I should be used to being wet all the time, but I'm not!

I look back at the manor, and see some hallways are starting to expand out. Hey, maybe when I'm back the whole manor will be rebuilt! That'd be something!

I leave the front gate, passing a fluffle stand. "hi friend"

Oh, it's only been not long enough, you thing, you… "C'mere, friend, just-just c'mere…"

"im tiny" Sure!

I walk up to it and pick up the fluffle, stuffing it into my hammerspace sack. "You're mine, again! Where do you things keep coming from!?"

The fluffle pokes its head out of the sack. "home"

Freakin'...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I held Quake Maker defensively as I struggled against the tides and winds of the path to the Hakurei Shrine… and the misty lake was a bloody whirlpool by this point!

"Hooly-" I couldn't even hear myself over the wind! Fuck!

I eventually caught up to the shrine steps… only to find them undergoing the turbo-express wash from the great faucet in the sky.

"Nope." I say to myself, walking away. Today's no day for anything outdoors-related! I shouldn't even be out right now!

Suika floated by on the water current washing over the path, which was up to my knees around the shrine path. She was chugging her gourd, a generous amount spilling into the water. At this rate, I think any passing humans or youkai could probably get drunk off the water before they drowned…

"Waahooo!" Suika cheered, floating along with the tide.

...at least she was having fun!

I continued to struggle against the waves, making my way for the village… I had to start jamming Quake Maker into the earth below; this was freakin' bad!

A large chunk of ice floated by me, and I saw people on it! I couldn't make out who, but I knew it was probably Cirno and her chucklefucks!

There was no way my hanger rocket boat would possibly be able to sustain itself in this kind of- Oh, shieut!

I lurched back, nearly toppled by a violent wave. Dayum!

I slowly but surely made my way towards the human village… not like I could see ten feet in front of me!

Heave… ho! Heave… ho!

Freakin' water! I need water-resistant clothing or something already! Graaahh!

…

The iceberg floated by me again, as did Suika.

"Yaahooo~!"

…

The iceberg barely missed me this time, but I was able to make out Daiyousei and Rumia, who seemed to have taken refuge on it.

Suika crashed into me, and I was forced to hold onto her as the water dragged us along.

"Aaahhh, hello!" Suika cheerfully greeted as I clung to her with one arm and to Quake Maker with the other.

"Pain!" I exclaimed, floating along the waves. I never learned how to swim…!

"Ahhh, relax…" Suika clutched me, locking me in place alongside her.

Like this, we floated along, the iceberg passing us now and again. Where the hell were we!?

I'm not sure if I'm even on the path to the human village anymore!... infact, I think I'm not!

A small, quaint steampunk ship floats up beside us, and the iceberg collides with it.

"W-what!?" A frazzled girl's voice comes from inside. "N-no! Damned fog! No!"

Blam! Blam!

"Oh, no no no! Nooo~!"

Kaboom!

The ship exploded, for whatever reason, brass parts raining across the water.

Suika and I bobbed down into the water for a moment as something landed on us, but we floated back up.

I sputtered. "Fuuaah! I need air!"

A blue haired girl in a blue coat was now clinging tightly to Suika. "My beautiful creation! Now I'm a slave to the waves!"

Isn't that… that is!

"Hello, Nitori!" I call out.

"A-ah? Do I know you…?" Nitori curiously eyes me, still clinging to Suika.

"Nope! I don't think it matters right now, though!" I shout, and we pass the iceberg again. Were we on freakin' spin cycle or what?

"I don't wanna drown!" she exclaims, eyeing the water cautiously.

Wait… "...Aren't you a kappa?"

"...Oh, right. Guess I got caught up in the whole idea of motorized boats… you see, there was this funny story about a man who couldn't swim, but he loved to like, go out to s-"

I cut in. "Funny story and all, but I can't swim either and am in need of freakin' aid!" I shout out.

The iceberg collides with us, having dipped a bit, and we washed up onto it.

I try to stand, but slip onto my chest. "Fuaaa…" I exhale, and let myself relax against the cold ice. I was cold, and wet, and sad…

"Welcome aboard the S.S. Cirno!" Hello to you too, Cirno...

Well, now I was stranded on an iceberg with freakin' loony toons. Help, send fluff.

"Aaahhh…" Suika chugged her gourd, lying on the ice.

"Ah… a boat made of ice! Excellent idea!" Nitori took out a power welder, and started blowing it on the ice, melting it. "A-ah? It doesn't seem to want to cooperate with my welding tools!"

I cautiously glide around on the ice, carefully planning my movements… until Rumia stumbles and lands on Suika, the two of them spiraling across the ice. Like that, they bump into Nitori, whose weld tool goes wild.

"A-aaah!?" She flails wildly, and embeds it in the middle of the ice platform.

"W-what are you doing!? No! My ice!" Cirno starts tugging at the weld as the ice begins to melt into water, the ice raft dissolving…

"O-oh, no!" Daiyousei, do something useful!

Daiyousei was sitting on her bum, sliding around, eyes full of fear. That's not useful…!

I don't know how the hell we were all still on the raft, since it was a demolition derby at this point!

I noticed Wriggle wasn't aboard the raft, just now. You better have evolved gills, or you're fish food!

I looked off the raft to see the outline of a fluffle fort, the palisades coming undone in the waves.

"Waaal!" wails a water magus fluffle, who was reaching for its staff, but it fell under the waves.

Thump!

The entire iceberg shook as something landed in the center, and the melting ceased, Nitori's weld tool destroyed.

"M-my tool!" Nitori dug at the ice, making no progress as slush froze back to ice.

"There we go~!" Cirno puts her hands on her hips. "We survived the trial, friends!"

Cirno was the only one of us not sliding around in a circle, but I skeptically eyed the bullet-shaped object that impacted- oh, boy…

Blue LED lights on it read "three". Three whats, I don't know, but once that hits zero, we're fucked!

"Someone! Destroy the thing in the center! It's mean and full of water!" I shout out.

"Who cares? More water for me to freeze!" Cirno strikes a pose!

The LED light reads "two." Ohh, ho ho ho…!

"It's full of candy, then! Lots!" I exclaim.

Rumia desperately paws against the ice on all fours, trying to make for the nuke, but fails to gain any traction at all.

No one else reacts to the mention of candy…

"Ehhh… Eye dunno, Eye don't really feel like candy right now…" Cirno made a thinking face.

Suika hiccuped. "Nothin' beats sake, lad…"

Daiyousei furrowed her brows. "I dunno, that seems like it'd be some weird candy…"

The blue LED light reads "one". Oh, shiiieeeut!

"It-it's candy for only the strongest of strong! Legendary, even! That's why I'm frazzled and shit! Do something, dammit!" I start yelling, bracing myself as best I can… which isn't alot!

Rumia struggles against the ice intensely, traction betraying her.

"Strongest…?" Cirno's eyes widen, then she smirks. "Eye'm the strongest!" She floats up to the nuke and starts punching it, to little avail.

Welp, we're screwed.

"Ohh~ ho ho ho…?" Suika digs a hand into the ice. "You wanna see strong, fairy girl?"

Cirno puts her hands to her hips, and kicks the nuke. "Eye am strong!"

Suika slowly stands, and stomps up to the nuke, the iceberg bobbing with each footstep.

The blue LED light reads "zero", and starts flashing. Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up!

With one hand, Suika tears it out of the ice, and throws it into the distance.

"Ahhh… I expected it to be a lot heavier…" Suika sat down melancholically, before looking back to her gourd. "Oh well!" Commence the chugging!

BOOM...SPLAASH!

I bring Quake Maker down into the center of the iceberg for steadiness, but instead accidentally crack it. Oh well, it'll live!

"L-look out!" Daiyousei blanches, pointing into the mist, as a huge wave of water-

Sploosh!

…

…

…

I take a deep breath as the water recedes, the iceberg surviving, although Rumia, Daiyousei, Suika, Cirno, and Nitori were all gone. Eheh… I'm sure Cirno can make a new iceberg or something!

Suddenly, the iceberg lurches as someone lands on it. I look up to see…

Byakuren Hijiri?

"Ah… I seem to be too late…" She looks around the iceberg, eyes darting around the water as well.

"Help, water!" I shout. I'm wet!...Haaaeelp!

She glances to me. "Do you know where the others went?"

I shake my head. "Big wave, water nuke. Pain. Long journey, no see home. Big kahoona."

Byakuren gives me a concerned stare. "I… I guess I'll have to save just you, for now…"

She dives into the water, and suddenly I feel the iceberg lurch, and speed up. I feel it rip across the water as I desperately hold onto the embedded Quake Maker.

Before long, the iceberg was lifted out of the water, and placed on top of a roof.

"...Hello, world!" I exclaim, sliding off the iceberg and onto the platform. Apparently it wasn't a roof, just… a really high wooden platform. Huh.

"Are you hurt anywhere?" Byakuren asks.

"Aside from everywhere, I think I'll be fine!" I exclaim. I _did_ have health potions, but I'm not that badly battered…

"...Very well… I'll be right back, okay?" Byakuren immediately soars off into the fog, presumably finding more people to save. Things musta been freakin' desperate for her to be going around doing this…

...speaking of, there wasn't a whole lot I could do up here!

I wave my arms. "S.O.S! Someone, help!" I yell.

A water nuke embeds itself in the wooden platform to my right.

"...Nope, not this time!" The LED light read three, but I pulled out Quake Maker, and got a good swing ready…

"Fore!" I swung it…

Clank!

The mini-nuke went flying out of the platform, and fell into the water.

"...who the hell's dropping water bombs during a typhoon anyway!?" I shout into the storm.

A fluffle crawls up onto the platform, having climbed some of the rafters underneath. It was shivering, but had a water mage's hat on.

"help, im soft" it told me.

I rip its water mage hat off. "This is mine, now. Consider it your rent payment for the month."

"oh no" it shivered harder. Infact…

I opened my sack, and stuffed it in. Woohoo!

I looked around, seeing nothing but water. Well… sh-

BOOM

Splooosh!

The water nuke exploded under the waves, sending my platform sailing.

...It was a step up from the freakin' iceberg, I'll tell you that much! Speaking of, the iceberg slid off once we made contact with the water, and floated off into the mist.

...Yaknow, this situation's pretty freakin' grim!

I stand proudly atop my dinky wooden raft. "...I shall sail the great sea!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: GENSOKYO SUBMERGED ====

I come up to some land ahead! Ahoy, mateys!

Coming up to a large steep slope, I figured this was probably Youkai mountain…

"Halt!" I heard that!

"Ahoy, me buckaroo!" I'm not sure if that was pirate speak, but I liked it anyway!

"...What?" Momiji rose a brow, as I sailed up to the side of Youkai Mountain, paddling my raft with the Quake Maker.

"Hoohooy! Didn't you see the weather report in this morn's paper? 'Tis fuckin' flooded, lad!" I barked out, as I got onto shore and started dragging the raft up the side of the slope, making sure it wouldn't get swept away.

She jerks her head back for a moment, but doesn't express anything else. "Still, this mountain is secured by the tengu!"

I look her dead in the eyes. "This mountain's 'bout to be secured by Davy Jones' locker in a couple days!"

She glares at me. "How do you know that!?"

Gesturing behind me, I smirk critically. "I dunno, did the freakin' ocean rising from nothing do anything for ya?"

"...I'll escort you to the goddesses, just follow me, and stop speaking like a sailor!" Momiji starts up the mountain.

"Arrr, yee scurvy dog! Aye'm just embracin' what I am, you hear?" I retract my hand into my sleeve, pretending the tip of Quake Maker is a hook.

Momiji scowls, giving me no reply as she continues up the mountain. Tough crowds all around!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: GENSOKYO SUBMERGED ====

I toss Momiji another fluffle. "Have fun, friend."

"W-what, another!?" Momiji fumbles it, and it squirms around in her arms.

"im a sea fluff" it starts crawling around on Momiji really fast.

"W-what the fuck…" Momiji starts rubbing herself, trying to knock it off of her as she stumbles away.

I walk into the Moriya shrine, to see a sulking Kanako sprawled out on a couch, a TV in the room playing old cartoon network halloween commercials.

"Uh…" What uh… what was I looking at?

She turns to me, scowling. "Yeeaah, whadda you want…?"

I look to the door. "Gensokyo's soggy, friend."

Kanako scowls. "Don't you think I know that already? Second fucking time I'm stripped of my weather abilities by some greater force… a force greater than a god! I don't even know how that works, and I've been a god for a good long while, mind you!"

I nod slowly. "...Twenty fifteen times are weird!"

Sanae walks out in a swimsuit, and looks at me. "Ah, you're here!"

I eye her swimsuit a little less than honestly but uhm… ahem…

"I don't think a swimsuit's going to save you from the wind…" I add. That, and it was cold!

"A-ah? I thought this'd give me excellent water resistance…" Sanae looked down to her green swimsuit, examining it.

"But does it give excellent wind resistance?" I ask, shaking a finger.

"A-ah…" Sanae fumbles in her… back pocket? You… don't have pockets, Sanae, that's a bikini, Sanae, what're you-

"Here!" Sanae takes out a charm of sorts, and hangs it around her neck. "It's a wind elemental charm, created by Kanako-sama herself!"

"...Did you literally pull that out of your ass? Where were you keeping that!?" I needed to know!

"A-ah…" Sanae blushed, surprised by the blunt nature of the question. "W-well… I don't know! I don't know, okay!?"

"I don't know either!" I shout, shaking her by the shoulders.

"Aaaahhhh, aaaahhh!" Sanae starts screaming.

"Aaaahhh, noooo!" I begin hollering.

Kanako smacks us both on the back of the head. "Shut the hell up already, and get going! I'm losing faith as we speak the more the weather gets… gets…" She trails off, eye twitching.

"...Mangled?" I suggest.

"Uh… abused?" Sanae shrugs.

"Molested?" I grin.

"M-misused…?" Sanae eyes me warily.

"Swindled!" Kanako shouts, her arms shooting into the air.

"Hoohhh, shit!" I shout, going with the impulsive atmosphere!

"Aaaahhhh-"

"No! Shut it!" Kanako quickly brings her hand to Sanae's mouth to stop her from yelling like a maniac.

Suwako walks in. "What's all the excitement about…?"

I throw my arms into the air. "The weather forecast!"

"...You're boring people." Suwako deadpans.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: GENSOKYO SUBMERGED ====

Sanae and I reach the raft at the shore of what I'd like to dub Youkai Island. Kanako wasn't too much help, sadly, but I did find a friend!

"...S-so much water…" Sanae warily stares out into the new Gensokyo, which was a sizable ocean. Even in the misty distance I could see geysers exploding out of the water, presumably the water mini-nukes doing their things…

Sanae hugs herself. "T-the temperature isn't helping…!"

I glance at her. "You shoulda come with more than a bikini!"

"B-but my water resistance!" Sanae pouts, bringing her arms together.

"You forgot ice resistance! Get owned!" I reply, dragging my raft back down towards the water. I leap onto it and Sanae follows.

"A-ah…" Sanae shivers and huddles in the middle of the raft as water and wind start splashing against it.

I bring Quake Maker to the water, using it as an oar again. Before long, Youkai Island is fully obscured by the fog, and we're at sea. If my problem-solving skills are correct, and they only sometimes are, then we should be… sailing somewhere over the Hakurei shrine right now. I wasn't too far off, as the shrine was in the distance, half-submerged.

Paddling towards it, I spotted Suika floating by, again, with Rumia and Daiyousei clinging to her as they flailed around in the calmer waves of the unified-ish ocean.

It was still raining hell, though!

"O-oh-h…" Sanae shuddered in the middle of the raft, still freakin' chilly.

"Ahoy! I spy a shrine across the waves!" I point out the presence of the Hakurei shrine in the distance.

"I-I wonder how Reimu's doing…" Sanae mutters, teeth chattering.

...I pull off my camouflage shirt and toss it to her. The thing was soaked to the point of being half-liquid anyway, so it wasn't doing me much good anymore…

The wind licks my skin, chilling me a bit, but I think I'd be fine… I dunno yet!

"A-ah?" Sanae's eyes widen as she stares at it. "T-thanks…"

She slips it on, shivering slightly less than before. This wasn't no day at the beach!

We near the shrine, and eventually the raft comes to a stop against a wall.

"Watch the raft, friend!" I toss her the Quake Maker, and she's thrown off balance and lands on the raft, lying on her back and partially squished.

"...Sorry!" I call out, double-jumping onto the shrine's roof.

I look around, and opt to just pull out Swift Brand and go to town on the shingles.

Clink! Clink! Clink!

Now there was just wood…

Thunk! Thwack! Crack!

I peered in, and saw Reimu sitting atop a kotatsu, idly paddling herself in a circle with her gohei, glaring at nothing in particular.

"Psst! Friend!" I shout-whispered to her.

She looked up at the ceiling, seeing me peer in. "W-what…?"

"Come sail with us! We're fluffy!" I attempted to persuade the miko!

"...What." Reimu stared up at me incredulously. "How did you even get here?"

"Very carefully. C'mon!" I hid just around the viewable portions outside of the hole…

...and Reimu floated out, intrigued!

I ran across the roof, and leaped onto the raft, rocking it.

"W-waah~!" Sanae flailed around, before losing her balance and falling onto the raft again. "Ooww…"

Reimu floated over cautiously, the wind threatening to pluck her out of the sky, before landing on the raft. "What the hell is this?"

I made a depressing facial expression. "Home."

Reimu snorted. "Sure."

I take Quake Maker out of Sanae's arms, and start paddling away from the shrine.

"H-hey! Hold on, what about my shrine!?" Reimu realized we were abandoning the shrine!

I turned to her. "What about your shrine? Everything's gonna be really freakin' wet if we don't kick things into gear and try to do something!"

Reimu threw her arms up in frustration. "Like what!? The only lead I've got is those canisters of water falling from the sky, and everywhere I could go to get those looked at is flooded or something! I can't even fly anywhere!"

I raise a hand defensively. "Yo, look, we got a boat! We can do the things!"

Reimu sits stubbornly, legs crossed and arms folded. "...Whatever."

"H-hah…" Sanae's teeth chattering picked up again, and she resumed shivering as heavy as before. I was startin' to get a little chilly too…

"...What's up with you?" Reimu stares at Sanae with disinterest.

"C-cold…" Sanae stuttered, looking fairly miserable by this point.

That's it! I walked up to Sanae and hugged her.

"W-whah!?" Sanae jumped, surprised by the sudden embrace.

I grin, shivering slightly. "We can't up and die of hypothermia now, can we?"

She blushes lightly, embracing my arms. "I-I guess not…" Sanae, you're not making this any less awkward!

"...Perverts." Reimu scowled at us.

Like so, we drifted amidst the waves, aimlessly traversing the great ocean that was Gensokyo.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

END OF CHAPTER 11

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Plant Hanger Master, Scarlet Liberator, Captain of the Generic Wooden Raft.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Maker - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes due to an upgrade. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder.

INVENTORY:

Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Dispenser - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Upgraded to have a nozzle with which the weapon can be utilized as a flame thrower with.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Hydraulic- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Mundane, but practical in the eyes of a few. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Due to a dark amulet upgrade, it may be used to cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. When highly charged with buffs, the scythe can even inflict instantaneous death upon certain enemies who are not inherently immune to dark elemental things; although it's general consensus that instant death is ineffective against anyone of any real power, as they'd probably resist the effects.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Marks the wielder for death, dropping instant death resistance to zero and forces them to take 25% increased damage from all sources, but Flandre wasn't aware of the negatives when she created it. Different from the dark-elemental hanger in that this converts missing health into pure speed and none into power, and the increased damage isn't as punishing.

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Fancy operating cross v.2.0 - Allows control and summoning of a London doll, along with some basic commands.

PARTY:

London, the Doll - Defensive unit, able to hold positions and provide cover-fire. Command is slightly dynamic, sporting defensive and offensive modes. Able to be used for more intricate operations; although seems to be strangely absent if the operating cross is in the hammerspace sack this time…

Sanae Kochiya, the (apparently human) Newbie Goddess of the Mountain - A well-mannered girl with a fixation on gaming and mechs, and some other computer things I don't know about.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Gohei and holy magics borrowed from her goddesses, likely. I should bring her to a fluffle and see if they sell Kanakos there…

Reimu Hakurei, the Shrine Maiden of Paradise - Human with holy affinities and gifted with the amazing Hakurei abilities, including the power to wield the Hakurei Yin-yang orb.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Bloodbath Yin-yang orbs: Boosts attack power, and allows collection of blood to increase attack power up to 70% temporarily, affecting speed, power, and bullet density of danmaku. Non-elemental in nature, but has the uncanny effect of inflicting bleeding with ease, as if it had insane friction for some reason. Sports a red-purple color scheme.

INVENTORY: Hakurei Yin-yang orbs: Reimu's traditional yin-yang orbs which accent her holy abilities by boosting the power of holy attacks. Has a black-white color scheme. Known throughout Gensokyo as pain incarnate. Said to give one the ability to eat sweets, and not get fat!... I have that ability too; it's called a high metabolism!

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

it's a rainy day today friends

...not like that means anything in the world of academia! come hell or high water, you will take that quiz and we will call you worthless for not memorizing the ten decimals of pi! you're a bad student! bad!... *cough* im not even taking math this year but my point still stands!

...i dont got alot to say yo this was super segmented throughout a school week and i got tanked and zoinked and all that fun stuff

see you all in way too many chapters! by the by- proof readers really -do- help! i thought i didn't need one, until i got one, and then shot myself in the face because he found like sixty bajillions errors aside from my nightmarish perspective errors (what can i say im just droolin' on a page here) and my obvious pacing problems (pain.), he found lots of big and small grammar issues and typoes here or there and i'm hoping not to repeat that ONE disaster on like chapter three or something where i didn't even finish a sentence one time… god that was embarrassing

in any case, see you all next time!... in ten seconds!

FOREWORD: below is me addressing criticism! only read if you're reheheheally bored!

...i just checked the reviews and noticed like one guy freakin exploded XD

yeah i do kinda switch ideas too fast, i think, anyway

i dunno what exactly's meant by "copy/pasted work"; i'd like an example and some comparisons for accusations like that

"random crap thrown together from other fanfictions" i havent actually been reading any for awhile now and have just been typing… and if i actually remembered other ones weeks in advance WITH school… i think i'd be doing alot more than writing fanfiction XD i'd probably get a job in law or something with a memory like that

...not like i'd want to; law seems freakin boring, i'd rather be studying finance or business on the side or something so i can work to attempt to escape the rat race, but i digress

"barely any touhou references" friend have you been reading; although i do think overall there is a bit too much me here or there, even if that wasn't the point you were getting at

...then again, this fanfic is all about ME; i'm gonna admit it yo i'm selfish i made this for myself

"lack of elements of what makes a story unique" … such as? help no

...yeah i actually do have a youtube and i watch touhou skits and things sometimes… but i dont think much of what i watch can directly translate into this fanfic, and since you brought reimu into question, i'm just gonna go off on a tangent on my character design choices instead of actually addressing the criticism

i chose a cruder, more angry reimu because i liked the dynamic versus some of the other carefree residents, but i wanna try and keep her vaguely duty bound and stuff; this one might seem a little irrationally angry at times but hnnngh; also, she's technically an adolescent isn't she? wait, what age is she... actually the canon won't help me there so i'm just gonna up and say she's 18 or 20 here

...also with someone as keen on starting fights as she is, you'd think her to be a little short-fused, mmm?

...the last few touhou skits i watched with reimu i vaguely remember as just her and marisa bonding and stuff, and reimu being alot nicer than i portray her as, but then again that was awhile ago so i dunno

finally, most of these guys that reviewed have apparently joined around the same time as their first reviews and additionally took the time and effort to hunt down my account, making me think they're probably a friend of mine just being stupid or something XD 'cause no one else would ever think to google that one random username and hunt down my youtube and dig through my… likes, was it? probably stuff i liked, and if that was all they digged through then help no

they also all reviewed in rapid succession showing they didn't actually read and are all probably the same person making alts

on the up side, my story looks like it has 24 reviews now!... not like review count matters, but it still makes me squee inside, even if most of those reviews are just an angry friend of mine getting back at me or something petty!

and finally…

"way to copy shakespearehemmingway"

...didn't he write the garfield royal rescue fics? i believe i made a parody in his tribute at one point, and it sucked and i stopped writing it… like, years ago. XD

i still kept the avatar i made for the thumbnail of it though because it was awesome and im still proud of that

in conclusion: i expected actual flamers, not you, ZZ or john, whichever of you it was because i know i pissed one of you off at some point XD

...but if it really is someone random, sorry for your loss .w.

FINISHED ADDRESSING CRITICISM you can hit the next chapter button now


	13. The Adventures of Fluffleberry Finn

(in which we go with the flows, yo)

We come up to the gates of the Scarlet Devil Manor once more, which were fully submerged. Progress seemed to have halted, the remains of the upstart being abused by the waves. The library was once again protected by a barrier, which shimmered as waves slammed into it. I assumed everyone found shelter inside the library, which was going to become an undersea dome at some point…

Sanae and I were still locked in a clumsy embrace, warmer than before. Woohoo!... this was still really awkward!

The fluffle stand was now a little boat, with the fluffle standing upon it with a little umbrella hat.

"hi friends" Even when the entire world's flooded, these things find ways to persevere!

I stick up my middle finger. "Eat it, fluffy!"

"Waaaal!" it wails back, offended.

"See? Everything's flooded. Fuck." Reimu provided, pissed.

I jerk my head back. "Come now, not everything. Let's see, Eientei might be flooded, but Youkai Mountain was fine-ish, and the human, uhm…. the hu~man…" It was on the tip of my tongue, but…

"...What about humans, again?" Reimu glanced at me. "You were doing fine until you got to that part. I don't even know what that is, and if I don't know what you're talking about, then you're probably talking about nonsense."

Huh, I coulda sworn… "No, for realsies, there was this human place… with uh… human qualities, I guess. I think it started with an H, like the word 'human' but…"

How the hell did I forget a whole location!?

Reimu shakes her head. "Don't think too hard- you might hurt yourself."

I shrug. "Well, regardless... "

I look around the sea, thinking of where to go next…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: GENSOKYO SUBMERGED ====

We waded through the Forest of Magic's half-submerged forestry, various fairies whirling around for violent meet-'n'-greets with their friends and whatnot, in all the flood excitement.

Magic particles whirled about in the water, giving it some strange properties in this part of the sea…

"L-look out!" Sanae blurted out, as a completely vertical incline of water, making a cube, drifts past us.

"...That's probably not healthy for anything or anyone involved." I deadpan, staring at the literal cube of liquid water slowly drifting through the trees. Magic is weird…

Near us, a geyser erupts from the water, pushing us into the side of a tree. Water rains down from the sky, the water rippling from the blast.

"Jesus fuck." I flatly state, observing the current status of the forest.

We drift by Alice's house, but it was half-submerged, no one home. That's right, Alice was probably with the Scarlets somewhere, she collapsed earlier and I kinda neglected her… eheh…

I assumed Sakuya took care of her, at any rate. She and Marisa should be in the undersea library, which uh… I couldn't access. I'm pretty sure I'm out of mana potions, too! I wonder…

I break from Sanae to begin paddling with Quake Maker again, making for Alice's abode.

"Ahoy, me mateys! Thar she blows!" I yell, pointing at the house once it's a few feet from us, as if no one noticed it before.

"I think we have eyes, thank you." Reimu retorts, still stubbornly seated on the raft. Her clothing no longer flailed wildly in the wind, since the trees took much of the wind for us.

I set Quake Maker down once we get near the house. "Sanae, make sure I'm not stranded here!"

Sanae salutes. "Aye aye, cap-e-tan!"

I carefully dip into the water and drift through Alice's front door, holding onto the walling to keep me from sinking. Inside some dolls and stuff floated around…

I made for her bedroom, which I hadn't entered before. Hnnngh, the door was closed, and there was no way I could open it with all the water pressure! Why does her door not have cracks for the water to leak in from!?

In any case, I made for the guest bedrooms instead, carefully ducking into the water to get under a door's overhang, and low and behold, some green and blue potions were floating on the surface, some leaves having apparently also invaded the room. The water in the room whirled around, and a back wall was taken down by a fallen tree branch, allowing the leaves to invade.

Speaking of, leaves began falling again! I don't know how the fuck the gods are going around making them fall during the great flood of twenty-fifteen, but good on them, I guess!

I precariously grab the blue potions by reaching my hand out into the middle of the room as they slowly whirled around, and got two or so. I eyed the green ones; I couldn't really spare time to grab those…

I made my way carefully back outside, to see Sanae struggling to paddle the raft to keep it up against the house. I make a leap of faith, grabbing onto the edge of the raft and allowing myself temporary submersion to climb aboard and roll onto deck.

"Hoohhh… water's fucking scary." I conclude, gasping for air.

"A-are you alright…?" Sanae asks, looking down at me with concern.

Reimu looks at her. "If he wasn't fine, he wouldn't be acting like a hooligan." Well put!... I think.

I sit up. "F-freakin' soggy…" I shiver a little; being submerged in cold fall water's not very good for the homeostasis, as it were!

Sanae kneels next to me and hugs me tightly. "...D-don't take this the wrong way!"

Reimu stared at us blankly. "He'll take it the wrong way. Infact, I think you're taking it the wrong way."

"S-shut up!" Sanae weakly protested, blushing. Really not helping your case, here…!

We come to Marisa's house, which was just freakin' leveled by this point. It was missing a wall, it was battered and beaten by danmaku, and now it was flooded.

Reimu looked to the wreckage with mild worry. "Marisa…?"

I quickly defuse her worry. "She's in the library, the freakin' one at the bottom of the sea."

She nods. "Ah, right…"

The raft idly nears the wrecked shack, as I slowly paddled towards it. I look around at the tree tops, somewhat admiring the grainy atmosphere…

My eyes freeze when they run across a tree top. In the mist, I can see one of those creepy-ass swirly fluffles, unmoving, staring dead into my eyes.

I point. "Any of you guys see that?"

Reimu and Sanae look to the treetops.

"...It's a fluffle. We've seen them already." Reimu observes, turning to me.

Sanae stares at it. "...It's a little creepy. It's not even blinking…"

I turn to Sanae, and she turns to me. My vision goes black, and I hear Sanae scream. I blink rapidly, hands to my eyes, and my vision's back, and I am literally drenched- it was like water just materialized all around me. Sanae and Reimu suffered similar conditions.

I looked to the fluffle, only to see it gone. What the hell…

"A-aaahhhh!" Sanae continues screaming, for some reason.

"W-what the fuck!" Reimu rubs her eyes, looking around alarmed.

The water splashed to the floor of the raft, flowing off it. We were all soaked to the bone even more than before, somehow- even more than the rain had inflicted upon us in this timeframe. It was weird… like we were wetter than wet.

Reimu hugged herself, shivering. "...Dammit…"

I grin. "...Want a hug, friend?"

Reimu glares at me. "Pervert."

Sanae moves up to Reimu and hugs her. "Don't be shy, Reimu! We're all friends here…"

Reimu tries to struggle out of Sanae's grasp, but gives up. "Y-you... aahhh…"

We finally bump into Marisa's little half-submerged pavilion. I stand up, wiggling my fingers. "Time to see what magical macguffins we can find today…!"

I steer the raft into the open wall, to find some waterproof books floating around. A few were beyond repair, but some were only slightly damp.

"Save the books!" I exclaim, scooping some up, tossing them on the raft. With any luck we could use these as LEGO blocks or something!

The others join me, and we save a small pile. I couldn't really read any of them, though… but I'm sure I might be able to trade them in for something later! I think!

Clunk-unk! Clunk! Clunk-unk!

A really weird clunking noise came from the water, and when we turned outside, we saw what looked like a plastic trash can hopping around. Inside it was apparently a plethora of fluffles. It floated lightly in the waves, but seemed mostly grounded. It refused to totally submerge no matter what aswell.

...Oh yeah, it didn't fit inside either. It was huge, for some reason.

"...What the hell is that supposed to be?" Reimu's brow twitched.

Clunk!... Clank!

The top flipped open, and angry fluffles rushed out and into the waves… only to get instantly lost amongst the waves despite their valiant efforts to reach our raft, sinking in the water.

"Good job." I complimented them.

Clunk-unk! Clunk!

The thing hopped around in place, unable to enter the house

"Get out of my way." Reimu sent a Bloodbath Yin-yang orb forward, striking the trash can.

"Waaal!" The fluffles flew out, along with a neon green substance, the trash can folding from the pressure of the strike. It then drifted away uselessly, a horde of fluffles lost to the waves and green toxins oozing out into the water.

Sanae stared at the green liquid, wincing as it bubbled in the waves and whirled around, dissipating. Some of it turned to mist on the water, evaporating on contact. "Eeeww… what is that stuff?"

I furrowed my brows. "Waste of some kind, presumably. My question is why a gaggle of fluffles was freakin' having a community snugglefest in the stuff. They seemed pissed, too."

I looked around; there really wasn't many magical instruments I could make use of…

"Let's go, I suppose…" I settle with, paddling us out. The wind and rain started slamming us again, but we re-adjusted quickly.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: GENSOKYO SUBMERGED ====

Coming up to the bamboo forest, nothing much had changed except we were floating through it instead of walking through it.

Mokou even had a bamboo raft!

"What the hell's been going on around here?" Mokou floated alongside us, questioning Reimu.

"That's what I want to know! It's too wet!" Reimu stubbornly sat with her arms folded, despite Sanae's current embrace around her. Group hugs had become a thing by this point, because it's cold, and wet, and sad outside!

"Too wet? It's fucking flooded!" Mokou irately yelled. "I have to use a raft now, for fuck's sake…"

Reimu glared at her. "I'm trying, okay!? It's not easy when everything's fifty feet under!"

Mokou turned to her, glaring back. "Try harder, then, or else _we're_ going to be fifty feet under!"

Tensions intensify! I've gots to dos somethings!

I stand up. "Salty sea dogs!"

Mokou glances at me. "Shut the fuck up."

I get a brief, scornful glare from Reimu. "I'm going to hurt you."

The two promptly go back to glaring at one another. Eheh…

"G-guys…" Sanae looks at the two of them, wary, but she was promptly ignored.

Reimu sighs. "...Well, I'm getting something done now. Trying, at the very least." She looks away, closing her eyes.

Mokou huffs. "Well… good."

We finally come to a half-submerged Eientei, and I paddle up to Kaguya's window. I take careful aim with Quake Maker… "We're taking the sneaky approach, guys…"

I swing!

Craack!

Kaguya's window blows open. Whoops!

I jump inside and awkwardly attempt a fancy roll. "We're here for a bottle of kool-aid and a yo ho ho!"

Kaguya's too engaged in a vigorous game of CS:GO, her headphones on and shouting audible from them.

"No, the right, the sni- Fuuck! You cunts! God, fucking… fuck!" Kaguya's hands flail wildly on the keyboard.

Sanae leaps in, landing on the floor. "Watch the raft, Reimu! We'll be right out!"

Reimu glares in incredulously from the window. "What, why me!? If anyone should be- oof!"

Mokou lifts Reimu up and tosses her inside. "I'll watch the both of them, get going you buncha fuckups!"

Mokou had the mouth of a sailor today! "Don't worry, yo! We'll make them walk the plank for this!"

Her glare fiercened. "The plank's gonna be up in your ass in a few moments, move!"

"Boom, headshot! My hands're shakin', my hands're shakin'...!" Kaguya's pupils contract, and she starts moving the mouse rapidly. "Ohhh, ho ho ho! Get rekt, son!"

I walk up to Kaguya, and carefully lift the headphones off her head.

"Huwoah shit!" Kaguya jumped in surprise, falling back off her chair.

Thud!

"...Fuu~aahh…" she groans from the floor. "...Wha~t? I'm busy…"

"The world is flooding, and it will soon include your computer! We gotta go drink all the water in Gensokyo!" I instruct her, acting frantic.

She jolts up. "Oh, fuck that! Eirin, the world's ending! Eirin~!"

Eirin slams the door open. "Princess, please, be quiet. I'm busy."

As Eirin goes to shut the door, I raise a hand. "Yo, hold up! You got a sec?"

Eirin looks out of the door just before it closes. "No." Click.

I run up to the door and rip it open moments after it closes, and then drag Reimu by the arm.

"H-hey, hold on!"

I drag Reimu into the hallway. "Yo, Eirin! Look here!"

Eirin looks at me, then her stare shifts to the miko I've got a hold on. "...Ah, right, follow me, you…"

Reimu and I follow Eirin out of the room.

...Seeing us leave, Sanae dashes for Kaguya's kotatsu, and slides under it.

"Thank Kanako-sama!" Sanae lets a sigh of relief out, the warmth of the kotatsu filling her…

Kaguya rests a hand on her shoulder, and holds a 3DS in the other hand. "...It's time to _motherfuckin' smash_!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: GENSOKYO SUBMERGED ====

"Right, right… now, where was I?"

Eirin walks into her laboratory, quickly moving around a desk as me and Reimu look around the cluttered room, papers and vials and stuff everywhere. Organized chaos, I took it!

I see a floating Kit-Kat bar upon her desk, hovering lightly in the air.

"That's uh…" I point at it, unable to find words.

"Oh, right. Anti-gravity chocolate, and uh, dang…" Eirin eyes the table carefully, before backhanding the anti-gravity chocolate.

"Out the window with that. Looks about done, anyway." She reached under her desk, fumbling around for something...

...It looked good, too!

Eirin pulled out a de-activated water nuke, albeit riddled with bullet holes. "Udonge found this the other day, and apparently it startled her enough to make a reaction shot on it. I know that isn't an easy feat at any rate, so I'd like to know if either of you know what exactly this is. I know what it looks like; but you know, it's not quite what it appears to be."

Reisen reaction-shotted a nuke? If it were a real one, we'd be fuckin' glassed by now!

"Well, it appears to explode into geysers of water, which accents the recent heavy rainfall. It has a normal countdown of three… moments, of sorts." I elaborate.

"Hmmm… have they just been falling out of the sky as others have said? I've been surveying trajectories…"

Reimu nods. "A few landed outside my shrine when everything started flooding. I nearly jumped out of my skin the first time it happened…"

Eirin furrows her brows. "These canisters have to be getting launched from a remote location… but the weather doesn't make observation easy- remotely or by eyewitness. "

She pops it open, to reveal what looked like a round, blue orb inside. "This seems to be the primary power source of the warhead- purely magical in nature, quite ironic given the device's design."

I eye it curiously. "Is it… still functional?"

Looking up to me, her face betrays a vague pique of her curiousity. "...Yes. Why do you ask?"

I hold out my hand. "If you may… could I borrow that?"

If this worked somehow…

Reimu scowls at me. "What could you possibly do with some magical water… core… thing?"

"I'd correct you, but that's pretty much what I've been calling it…" Eirin sighed, and then handed it to me.

Hmmm… I pulled out Hydraulic and tried to fit it in somewhere, but it didn't really go anywhere… and unlike the fluffle-sold crafting materials, it can't just magically click on like blocks!

Reimu raises a brow. "...I see. You do that, then."

I shrug. "Hey, it doesn't hurt to try. Can I take this?" I turn to Eirin.

She tilts her head a bit. "Ah… I could use the core for studying how to precisely counteract the effects of-"

I cut in. "-Getting wet, yes, right. I don't think you'll be needing this if that's everything…"

Eirin looked mildly perturbed by my comment, but turned away. "Very well, then. Since you're the professional here, I'll let you handle that specimen. Don't mind me."

I nervously grin. "Right… my apologies about uh…"

"Say no more, I will leave you to your endeavors, professor plant hanger." She makes for the back of the room, and begins sorting through some metal bits and guff.

"...Well, now how the hell are we supposed to figure out where these tin cans are coming from?" Reimu stared at me, upset and ready to inflict violence upon me.

...Reisen saves the day! "I could help you with that."

Reimu jumps. "Where'd you come from?"

Reisen glances at her, before continuing. "I've been watching those… warheads of a sort. They've all come from 46 degrees from the north of my recent tower position… or, if you were to judge the front door of Eientei, northwest."

"The front door's freakin damp." I added.

"...Northwest of Kaguya's bedroom window you always use, then." Reisen rolls her eyes.

Reisen walks into the room behind us, presumably to talk to Eirin. Me and Reimu begin to walk off, when…

A warm light glows around my chest. What.

I put my hand to my chest, and orbs of light gather there. Oh, wait… that's right, I used to level up, didn't I?

...What the fuck happened to the EXP scaling!?... I hardly even felt any different!

"...What was that?" Reimu asked, brow raised.

"Remember that thing with the leveling up?" I asked her, feeling my chest. Freakin' fluffy on the inside!

She tilted her head for a moment, before jerking it back in realization. "Oh, right, that!... what happened to that, anyway?"

I shrug. "...Things, yo…"

Furrowing her brows, Reimu stared at me. "...That's really descriptive. You should write a book someday. I bet it'd be a complete disaster."

I grin. "Ohhh ho ho ho… you've got _no_ idea."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: GENSOKYO SUBMERGED ====

Reimu steps into Kaguya's room, and I trail in behind her awkwardly, trying to stuff an end table into my sack.

"Freaking… fit!" I push really hard!

Kaguya glared at Sanae, and Sanae glares back at Kaguya, the two having a smash game of epic proportions play out.

"I hate grappling so fucking much!" Kaguya roars out, jerking to the right, taking the kotatsu with her.

"I-it's just a part of the game! The part where you lose, that is!" Sanae helpfully explains.

"...I don't wanna know." Reimu doesn't know what to think of the two!

I take notice of my shirt on Sanae, and suddenly remember I have no shirt on. It's warm enough in here that I couldn't tell! Curse heating systems!

I made for a door into Kaguya's bedroom, and enter.

"Just where are you going…?" Reimu follows me, and I look around for additional doors… I didn't find any, but I did find a dresser! That works too!

Walking up to the dresser, I rip open shelves until I find Kaguya's pink top with the many little white bows… Slipping it on, I turn to face Reimu.

"I should have time resistance with this on!" I exclaim. Pink is the color of men, and time, apparently!

"...Sure." Reimu turns to leave, shaking her head. Following her out, grinning, I saw Kaguya's head resting on the kotatsu.

"...I-I'm sorry you're so bad…" Sanae says with such sincerity you'd never had thought she was freakin' taunting you!

"...I said, shut up." Kaguya's muffled retort came from the kotatsu's surface.

I walk towards the window, and Sanae double-takes when she sees me in one of Kaguya's bow-y top thingies.

"Come along, friends! We've got leads, linens, and things!" I start to climb out the window, ready to clumsily clamber onto the raft.

"O-okay…" Sanae doesn't know what to think of my new shirt!

"...I won't rest until I have- what the…" Kaguya shot her head up to yell at Sanae, but saw my new sweet threads!

"Don't worry, I'll return it with as few mud, blood, water, and separate pieces as possible!" I yell back, stumbling onto the raft.

"Took you long… what the fuck." Mokou blankly stared at my attire, face contorting in confusion.

I put my arms up. "Don't you worry about a thing, yo! I'm just getting down with my funky self!"

Reimu and Sanae float out onto the raft, and I take Quake Maker and start paddling.

"H-hey! That's mine! I need those!" Kaguya yells out, diving into the waves to go after us before beginning to flail wildly. "Fu-gugh! I can't swi-agh!"

...I'd figure as much, but I can't either! "Sorry!" I yell back, watching Kaguya sink below the waves, sticking her middle finger up as she fell into the water. She'd be fine, I'm sure… if not a little waterlogged… or dead. She'd get better!

"...You're a lunatic." Reimu decides, her brows slightly shifted in incredulation. Yes, incredulation is a word, Google Spellcheck said so!

I smirk. "I know I am, yo."

Mokou paddles along with me, staring at me really hard, apparently. "...So, how'd you get your hands on that?"

I turn to her. "Oh, just invaded her room while she was doing other things and ripped it right from her dresser." Interesting that all the bows were already done up, too, but I figure Kaguya's just immensely lazy. I would be, too. I look back ahead at an angle, trying to gauge where Mokou's taking her raft, and where I'm half-attentively steering my raft.

Mokou nods, "Oh…" then begins to grin. "Oh! I see. You see I thought you… nevermind…"

Hold the phone!? ...I look at her incredulously. "...Did you really just-"

"Nevermind, I said!" she shouted, face hardening, her pale skin betraying the faintest of blushes.

...Two-thousand fifteen times are weird!

...Oh, right. "Mokou, think you could take us north-west of Eientei, presumably out of the north-western edge? Assuming north-west if leaving Eientei were heading north." I requested.

"What is this, one of Keine's school questions? Right…" Mokou pauses, and stares into the trees for a few moments, before continuing. "Okay, we need to go this way, then."

We begin heading northwest of where we were, and then things got crazy.

"Alright, so, if we want to get out that way… we should probably do a loop here, and then kinda-zig-zag to the right when we get to the end, understood?" Mokou plans out our path, and turns to me.

"...I'll just follow you." I settle with. I've had enough of crazy forests and hallways and frikery!

She nods, and we continue through the flooded bamboo stalks…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: GENSOKYO SUBMERGED ====

By the time we were out, it was beginning to turn night…

"Take care, you three." Mokou waved to us as we drifted out into the dark night, the fog and rain actually breaking for a change, although we could hear the blasts of the mini-nukes in the distance. The water ahead was cold and featureless, and what fog there was obscured the distance enough for us to not see very far ahead.

"Salty sea dogs!" I repeated.

"I'm gonna break you." Mokou plainly stated as we drifted off, and she began paddling back into the bamboo woods.

I grinned. "Someone's salty."

Reimu glared at me. "You're salty."

Sanae decided to correct Reimu. "Uhm… by definition, you're the one being salty right now, Reimu…"

Boy, was I glad we had a child of the internet with us! Reimu turned to Sanae. "By whose definition?"

I walked up to her, causing her to jump when she turned back to me. "Me, friend." I smiled warmly.

"Get away from me, you." Reimu held her gohei menacingly, and I chuckled.

I don't know if it was from the overcast, but a fog of a different sort set upon us, created by the lack of lights in the night sky. No stars shone, or even threatened showing through the dense overcast and scattered fog of the night. Not even the moon dared to illuminate a patch of clouds; everywhere around the raft was pitch black.

It quickly developed to the point that the three of us couldn't see.

"Reimu, you have holy stuff! Does anything light up?" I shouted into the darkness.

"Hold on, hold on…" Reimu shot a stream of danmaku into the air, creating light.

I took the moment to reach for my holy hanger, and pull it out. I didn't wanna invest mana in it, but maybe… "Hey, guys, any of you able to pour mana into this thing? It lights up."

Sanae came over. "I can do things to it!"

She puts her hand on it, and a faint holy light shines through the darkness. From here, I can see one of those swirly fluffles now on the edge of the raft.

"Jesus fuck!" I shout, freezing up.

"W-whah!?" Sanae jumped, startled. "What was that for!?"

I pointed to the fluffle. "When the hell did that get onboard?"

We all turn to it, and Reimu double-takes. "...This is just getting creepy."

Sanae and I turn to her-

Splash!

Suddenly, we all got freakin' wet and chilled again, and Sanae let go of the plant hanger, the light going with her grasp. Damn it…!

"Aaaaahhh!" ...Sanae, you're not dead! Calm down!

"What the hell!?" Reimu was stumbling around in the dark.

Sanae latched her hand back on the plant hanger, and the raft was illuminated again.

"...G-group hug?" Sanae asked, shivering. Night was cold!

I nod. "Yeah, I u-uh… agree."

Reimu reluctantly came to join us. "T-those fucking things…"

We hug in the darkness, a cool breeze washes across the raft, the gentle sploshing of the waves-

Splash!

A torrent of water shot into the air, raining down on the raft.

"C-cold…" Reimu shivered harder… idea!

I let Sanae hold the holy hanger. "Keep that on hand and hold it out, I got a plan…" I reach into my sack, and fumble around for Flame Dispenser.

She holds it out, and I tap it with Flame Dispenser.

Fwoom!

A small lick of flames and heat comes from the collision. I strike again.

Fwoom!

"How's that for a campfire?" I smirk, admiring my own ingenuity.

"It sucks, but it's better than nothing." Reimu shrugs.

...I thought that idea was better than that! I'll just play it off cool…

"Yeah, it kinda does, but yo… heat!" I strike.

Fwoom!

And so we huddled around a holy hanger and its flames. I don't think any youkai would dare raid a raft with the unpleasantly holy light of two mikos and a lunatic scraping the darkness of the waves.

Thunk!

I turn around, hearing an unpleasant noise strike the raft.

A blue LED light read the number three. Oh, fuck!

I gently set down Flame Dispenser; the nuke was angled to this one edge of the raft, so if I could mark it…

I pull out Hydraulic, and wedge it in the wood; I had to remember the nuke was to the right of Hydraulic's right side.

Two.

I pulled out Quake Maker, and buffed myself, letting the power flow through me as I aimed my hammer like a golf club. Reimu, in her recently drowsy state, only just realized there was a nuke onboard, and her eyes widened.

"Oh, shit!" Reimu backed away a bit.

Sanae was already out of it, despite still powering the light. Her eyes flickered a bit in her kneeling position, but she didn't react.

"Don't worry, for I am a demolitions expert!" I exclaimed.

One.

I swung, knocking it out of the raft and into the water not too far from us. This might rock us a bit…

I take Quake Maker and jam it into the raft's flooring, and grab Sanae, looping my arm under hers.

"Reimu, get over here!" I shout, and Sanae jerks her head up.

"W-wha…"

Reimu wordlessly comes to my side and locks an arm to me, slightly alarmed.

Zero, I assumed.

I braced myself. "...Bo-"

Blash!

Water rocketed up from one side of the raft, threatening to tip us, but it didn't. We were thrown to the side a bit, though. Water washed over the raft briefly, soaking us.

"A-aahhhh! I'm drowning!" Sanae yells, flailing while still attached to my arm.

"Sanae, shut up and stop flailing like a maniac!" I shout back to her, struggling to keep my grip on Quake Maker.

The waves settle quickly, but now we're all cold again.

"...Fuck me…" Reimu sighed, sitting back down.

I wanted to reply to that, but I couldn't think of any non-flirty-ish retorts, so I decided not to. No need to hit on the miko, now… I'm saving that for Patchy~!

Amidst the dark waves, we began warming up again…

Click!

Fwoom!

This is gonna be a long night…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: GENSOKYO SUBMERGED ====

 _I held out my hand as the large fluffle rushed towards me and lasers ripped past me._

" _Hey, hey, hey, hold on…" The brutal-appearing fluffles halted their onslaught, and tilted their heads._

" _Groah?" asked one of them._

 _I held my hands in a time-out motion. "I actually need a good rest tonight, so enough of this foreshadowing dream nonsense! The fuck's a God Hand, anyway?" I look at it…_

 _It appears to be a heavily upgraded Holy Hanger. God Hand would make a good name for later upgrades… but I'd save that for later. I didn't know what half of this crap was on it, but it looked important! There was this white orb, a yin-yang orb, and then some talismans slapped around on it…_

" _Graaahhh…" moaned the burly fluffles, who dejectedly walked back towards their spawning chambers, which were pretty much broom closets without shelves or utilities._

 _I stretched, before-_

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: GENSOKYO SUBMERGED ====

-I woke up! Wohohooaah!

Reimu yawned, sprawled out across the raft. "Hahh… Hnnnggh…" She began stretching.

Sanae was still out of it, lazily lying on her side. Also, I could see everyone without the holy hanger on, so it's probably day or something. All things considered, we probably should'ave stayed awake, but we did end up near something…

Our raft rested against the side of a ship, apparently. We were moving alongside it, being pushed along vaguely by it. Voices were heard above us, but I couldn't quite make them out…

Reimu took notice of the ship aswell, and rose to the occasion. "W-what now…"

I stood up. "I dunno, pirates. Ninja pirates. Ninja robot pirates. With monks, and magicians, and really mean scottish dogs."

Reimu looked at me, showing alarm for the briefest of moments, before my more insane suggestions calmed her back down. "Don't scare me like that… wait, how would pirates even exist? This ocean's only existed a day or two!"

I grin, shrugging. "Don't ask me, I wasn't the one who was terrified by the prospect of pirates!" I mean really, what could they do? Cut me with their technologically superior cutlasses, shoot me with bows or guns, keelhaul me…

...Actually, I think I was scaring myself now. "...I think I'm beginning to become terrified by the prospect of pirates, though." I look at the ship beside us, uncertain…

"H-huh…?" Sanae's up!

"...I told you to stop saying things like that." Reimu glared at me.

"No, like, legit. What if these guys're pirates?" I posed the question out there. It's not totally unlikely that Yukari gapped some pirates in on a whim and forgot about them…

"...I just shot down that idea! How stupid are you!?" Reimu begins yelling.

"I don't know, Reimu! The fuck're we gonna do about pirates!?" I get fearful, flailing my arms.

"P-pirates!? What!?" Sanae looks between me and Reimu with wide eyes.

"S-stop talking like that! I don't like pirates!" Reimu yells, pupils contracting.

"Waaal!" I repeat the yell of a fluffle. "We're being flanked by pirates!"

The rain began picking up again, now that it was day. I didn't know storm clouds slept too!... but no time to think about that, fucking pirates!

"What're we going to do!?" Sanae stood, turning to me and Reimu franticly.

"D-don't ask me! I-I've heard bad things about pirates, let's just go!" Reimu shouts, beginning to panic.

An anchor drops down aside us, the chain whirling as it dipped into the water. The chain in front of us stopped the progress of our raft aswell.

"Holy shit!" I yelled, jumping away from the front. "Pirates are, infact, capturing us! Aaaahhh!"

"N-no! Shit! Get the… no!" Reimu backed away from the front of the raft, scrambling.

"Aaaahhh!" Sanae began screaming.

Sliding down on the chain came a certain ghostly captain. "...The hell're all you screaming about!? We came to save ya! Shut it, already!"

I point to her. "It's a pirate deckhand! After it!" I whip out Swift Brand, rushing her.

"W-what!?" Her eyes widen, and suddenly me and my two companions charge her, ready to inflict violence.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: GENSOKYO SUBMERGED ====

Byakuren put a hand to her mouth. "I hope they're alright down there… That screaming doesn't sound good…"

Captain Minamitsu Murasa smirked. "I bet they'll be glad to see me! Be back in a jiffy, lads!"

She slid down the chain, ready to greet the unfortunate sea-farers…

Nazrin stared down blankly. "Are we sure we shoulda sent her to do negotiations? I mean, you'd probably be the best at it, all things considered…"

Byakuren giggled. "True as that may be, shouldn't a captain eventually learn some people-"

Thud.

Nazrin and Byakuren blankly stared at the disheveled and scuffled body of Captain Murasa.

"...Ouch." Murasa grumbled from the floor.

"...Told ya so." Nazrin grinned at Byakuren.

Byakuren grimaced. "Oh, dear… What happened?"

"...Pirates." Murasa muttered, before shifting into unconsciousness.

Nazrin rose a brow. "Pirates? Do they even have those in Gensokyo?"

Curiously, Byakuren looked down the edge of the ship… only to catch a Bloodbath Yin-yang orb to the face, a fountain of blood shooting into the air.

"W-whaaooh~!" Nazrin jumped back, landing on the ship with her bum, surprised at the sudden violence.

I climbed up, wielding Swift Brand. "We sail to the halls of doom with a black flag raised to the sky!"

"H-holy shit… Pirates!" Nazrin's eyes widen, and she gets up, sprinting away and into the depths of the ship.

Byakuren stumbles back, wiping blood from the back of her head, and from her face, before glaring at me.

I grin back at her, letting my teeth show. "No gods shall be our master! We sail to the halls of- oh, shit!"

I duck from a sudden flying kick as Byakuren sails over me. I could feel the rain become disrupted by the force of her movement, wind ripping around her.

Sanae was up the chain, and ready to blindly attack the 'pirates' with me!

"Deathsworn! Oathbound!" I start yelling out fun, albeit cliched nouns!

"F-fuck pirates!" Sanae nervously yells, sending a burst of blue danmaku towards the angry buddhist, but all it seems to accomplish is piss her off.

"Normally, I abhor violence…" Byakuren clenches her fists. "...but when it comes to pirates, like yourselves, I know there's little you can do but plunder during times like this… and I've not the time to work on making you non-threatening to my patrons, not in this weather…"

I grin. "You put your faith in Buddha and good will… we put ours in cannons and whores!" Were we fighting pirates, or were we the pirates? I forget…

Sanae glares at her. "Your viking gods won't save you now!" When the hell were we fighting vikings!?

Reimu floats up and climbs aboard! "Take everything that's not nailed down! I want a golden sofa in the Hakurei shrine by sundown!"

Byakuren double-takes in confusion at the sight of Reimu, and only then stops to take a close look at Sanae, but I was already running up aside her by then. "Avast ye, scurvy dog!" I yelled, and I brought Swift Brand down on her head…

...only for it to bounce off.

"...Oh, right… body enhancement magic…" I forgot I was fighting superhuman youkai magician Byakuren Hijiri. That's probably a bad move on my part…

Byakuren grabbed me with one arm, smiling. "...Do you happen to know what's going on here?"

I laugh, sheepishly. "...We're putting our faith in cannons and whores?" I'm not sure if Kanako, Suwako, or whatever whackjob residing over the Hakurei shrine liked being called cannons and whores… but it fits!

Sanae runs up to her and whacks her with her gohei-esque thing. "Screw vikings! Raa~h!"

Thwack, thwap, thud.

...Sanae, yo, ya ain't helpin' the stichiation!

Reimu doesn't look as crazed, but plays along anyway, really wanting a golden sofa. "For infamy and plunder, we will ride!" She leaps towards Byakuren with a flying kick, only for Byakuren to toss me at her, and I eat the kick instead.

"Yeaaggh!" I yell out, collapsing on the floor.

"Wah!?" Reimu falls back, not expecting to collide with something so soon.

Byakuren lifts Sanae up by her shoulders, flips her upside down, and drops her on us.

"Oof!" "Aah!" "Au!"

We collectively grunt at the impact, and Byakuren wipes her hands, satisfied.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: GENSOKYO SUBMERGED ====

We all sat in front of Byakuren inside the Palanquin, apologetically bowing.

"...I really wanted that damn golden sofa." Reimu muttered. Did they even have a golden sofa to plunder?

"...I-I still think they're hiding vikings onboard…" Sanae, what do you have against vikings?

Now it was my turn to mutter something!... "...Hey, pirates _could_ have happened. You never know during an incident…"

"...You three…" Byakuren starts laughing.

We take this as a sign to stop bowing, and stand up. 

"...Oh, aren't you the man who I left on that platform?" Byakuren put a hand to her mouth, eyes widening.

I nod. "Thanks for that, by the way… and I mean that both legitimately and sarcastically."

She tilts her head. "How so?"

"Well, after the platform got blown off I used it as a raft to gather my crew here. On the other hand, you left me for dead." I explain.

Smiling, she scratches the back of her head. "Aaahhh… sorry about that. Things were hectic, as you might know… Come, follow me." Byakuren started out the door, and we trailed behind lazily. The door lead to the deck, water swirling around.

Ichirin franticly ran across the deck with buckets, dumping them off the side of the ship. "Unzan, hurry!"

Oooh, I get to see- that is a big ass genie.

A towering pink genie swirled around on deck, using large buckets to scoop up the water and pour it off into the ocean. Multiple buckets levitated around him, additional hands holding them, as he worked hard at disposing of as much water as possible.

Murasa was frantically scrambling around deck, and stopped to looked at me. "Y-you! What are you still doing here!?"

I put my hands up defensively. "Yo ho ho, I'm a changed man! I respect the holy spirit and the fluffles and stuff!" I replied, trying to make amends for my acts of piracy.

"... I have my eyes on you." Murasa didn't trust me!

Byakuren rose a hand. "Please extend hospitality to our guests. They've a hard lot, as you might know."

"...Fine." Reluctantly, she returned to scooping the water with buckets. "...all these years, and I'd never have imagined flooding would happen to _my_ ship…"

Byakuren continued smiling, somewhat awkwardly staring at the deck with everyone scrambling to get the water off the ship. "As you can see, things are… difficult."

It was then that a mini-nuke struck the deck, its angle telling us we were going the opposite direction. Hnnngh…

Blue LED on it signaled three moments, as usual.

"...These things…" Byakuren walked up to it, and lifted it, examining it for a few moments.

Two.

"...They're quite troublesome." She arcs her arm back, and tosses it football-style into the waves ahead, sending it rocketing away.

...Hmm, that was taken care of neatly!

"...Have you been looking at the arc from which those things have fallen from?" I asked out of the blue.

She rose a brow, turning to me. "Oh… you might be right, actually. Do they remain consistent?"

I nod. "Yeah, they have been. They're coming from a direction behind us, you know."

"...It's not like we can turn around easily in this weather…" Pouting, Byakuren puts a finger to her chin.

I shrug. "You could let us back on our raft and on our merry way…" To be perfectly honest, I didn't wanna hang around too long aboard the S.S. Buddha!

"Hmmm… after that last display of yours, I feel like it wouldn't be safe for the three of you at sea." she decides, tilting her head a bit in contemplation.

Reimu steps up to the plate to negotiate. "No, no no no. We'll be perfectly fine, as long as we find a golden sofa!" Dammit, Reimu.

Byakuren jerks her head up. "Oh, right. We have one of those." Wait, what?

She turns to Ichirin. "Fetch the golden sofa, please."

Ichirin looks mildly surprised, but complies regardless. "A-alright! Come along, Unzan! I'll need you to lift it!"

Unzan dumps the remaining water overboard, then he sets down his oversized buckets and follows Ichirin inside. In a few moments, they come back out, and Unzan precariously slides a golden sofa outside, a tarp covering it to protect it from rain.

Reimu's eyes light up. "I-is that…!?"

...Who the hell keeps a golden sofa just lying around!?

Byakuren nodded. "Yes, a nearly pure golden sofa. We found it embedded in the floor one day, although we have no desire for such an object." I'm not even going to ask…

Murasa eyed the transaction, but shrugged, and continued talking to herself. "Thing was gaudy, anyway…"

Wait… "How the hell's that supposed to fit on the raft? It's nowhere near strong enough to carry an entire golden sofa on it…" I argue.

Bringing a hand to her face, Byakuren giggles. "Well, I think I've got a solution to this whole navigation problem of ours. Just grab onto something solid, everyone!" With that, Byakuren flew away.

Our raft landed on the boat moments later, startling Murasa and Ichirin. "Wah!?"

Moments later, we felt the ship lurch, and suddenly- wohoohooaaah!

I took out Quake Maker and slammed it into a wall, catching Reimu as she flew past, and Sanae latched onto the doorway we emerged from. The entire ship did a complete 180 in moments, remaining water splashing against the walls and even spilling out of the boat from the force of the turn.

Byakuren hovered back down, smiling. "...There we go. Now all we need to do is raise the anchor."

...After a few moments of silence, she turned to Murasa. "That means you, captain."

Murasa jumped, "Oh, right, yeah! I'll go do that!" and went to go retrieve her anchor.

...Noticing that Reimu wasn't in my grasp anymore, I turned to find that she had slinked under the tarp and was now enjoying her golden sofa. I lifted the tarp gingerly and poked my head inside.

"Is anyone home?" Smug face.

"No. Get out before I call the cops." Reimu shot back, snuggled up against the red velvet couch cushions.

"...Reimu, you _are_ the cops." I reminded her.

"...Fuck." Etch a point for me on the board!

Sanae pushed me aside, and clambered inside.

"W-what are you doing…?" Reimu asked, being disturbed by the intrusion.

"I need heat!" Sanae exclaimed, presumably moving towards Reimu.

"T-there's a roof! That's enough, hold on! A-ah!" I assumed snuggling was going on in there…

Byakuren stared at the tarp mildly concerned, before shaking her head and opting to stare into the distance.

Splash!

A mini-nuke exploded somewhere aside the ship, but we only felt it slightly rock. I glanced between the tarp and Byakuren, not knowing what to make of the situation anymore either.

"...Jesus fuck."

Byakuren suddenly eyed me curiously, backing away slightly.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: GENSOKYO SUBMERGED ====

Nazrin and I sat at a little table, playing Go-Fish. My chair was way too tiny, though, so I kinda squatted on it, my legs awkwardly cast to the sides…

Two fluffles were seated to the other sides of us, holding cards, although we didn't let them actually participate, since uh… they seemed to be perfectly happy gnawing on their cards instead of actually playing the game, so we just gave them a deck of jokers and let them go to town.

"...Got any sixes?" Nazrin guessed.

Nope, just a two and a spade and whatever the hell, club was it? "Go fish."

Nazrin furrowed her brows, flipping through her cards idly as she turned to a mouse beside her. I looked to the side of the table to notice a legion of mice eeping and yipping to one another… and the legion lead right behind me, up a shelf, and over the back of my head. They could see my cards!

"...You've gotta have a six! They say you have six-card or something!"

...I had six cards, but not a six card. Good job, you chucklefucks. No wonder Nazrin seemed like a god of go-fish, she was cheating!

"...Wadda we doin', hea, we countin' cards? We card counters, now?" I lowly began, my voice raising gradually.

Nazrin rose a brow. "Say what?"

"...I'm Nazrin, and I like card count. I like, count my cards like I'm in fuckin' Vegas!" I begin yelling.

She scoots away from the table, and the fluffles turned to me, slightly alarmed. "What does that even mean!?"

I abruptly raise from the table, my knees tipping it over, sending cards sliding to the floor. "Oh, six cards, five sixes, four fourteens, I'm gonna become a card-counting asshole!" I punt the table into a wall, a fluffle getting clotheslined by it, and then I stormed away.

Nazrin stared at me leaving, baffled, before turning to the other fluffle. "...I dunno 'bout you, but I think that guy was a card counter himself…"

Nazrin, you didn't even know what that meant just a moment ago! I still don't, either!

The fluffle just stared at Nazrin, its fins raised and looking vaguely alarmed.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: GENSOKYO SUBMERGED ====

I stood at the edge of the deck, staring at the waves below, wanting to back away as I saw the boat rock and the waves splosh against the wooden hull.

Suddenly, a hand at my back lightly pushed me!

"Oh, christ damn!" I clumsily swore, dropping to the floor and hugging the railing, even though the push wasn't that powerful.

"Hahahaha! I got you~! I got you~!" I looked to the source of the voice to see a cyan-haired girl run off. I never thought I'd get surprised by her that easily! Wohoohaahh...

I slowly rose to my feet again, making sure to scoot away from the railing…

I saw a mini-nuke fall by the ship; we were still going in the right direction, apparently.

...and then I saw a few more mini-nukes hit the deck! Was it raining the bloody things now!?

They all read three; there was about three of them where I was. Freakin'...

I slowly lifted them one by one; they were heavy! Like that, I tossed them over the deck and into the waves. Get owned!

The counters were down to two by the time I got them all off… only for like six more to hit the deck.

"Screw that!" I ran for the door, swung it open, and went inside, as I heard the entire deck get pounded by more.

Inside, Reimu and Sanae were sprawled out over the golden sofa, and Byakuren was sipping some tea calmly. "...What's going on out there?"

I grinned nervously. "... Those canisters fulla water?"

She nods. "Did another one or two land?"

I shake my head. "Nah." Thuds were heard across the ship. "Like… thirty."

Byakuren blanched. "Oh, dear…"

...Bam! Ba-bababababa~m!

…

We heard the sound of flowing water rush all around the ship.

Reimu and Sanae shot up from the couch, looking around in alarm.

"...Abandon ship!?" I suggested, ready to make for the door. I had to shout because of all the water...

Byakuren nodded. "I'm sure your raft will keep floating, it's on the main deck! I'll be trying some things to keep this ship afloat, but don't let that stop you three!" She also had to shout for me to hear her. She rushed outside, and slammed the door behind her, being consumed by a huge wall of water.

Oh, boy… I snapped my fingers. "Get up, you two! We're getting our arses blasted!"

"J-just a few more moments…" Sanae yawned, rolling off the couch, taking Reimu with her.

"Aach!" Reimu and Sanae were tangled on the floor, making little progress.

I lift up the tangled mess of mikos, and start dashing towards the front deck, kicking open doors. "No time for being in lesbians with each other! We gotta save the princess, and you gotta help us!"

Reimu shot awake for multiple reasons. "M-my couch! What? Help!"

Gasping, Sanae shot awake aswell. "What did you... Wah!" She yelped as I leaped over a dining table, various residents eyes widening as I ran over plates and kicked over vases and shit. The dining table was mostly empty because everyone else probably felt the blasts, but uh...

"Excuse me, it's an intergalactic emergency! Pardon this interruption by the intergalactic shitstorm broadcast system!" I yelled, desperately trying to reach the end of the table. I leaped down and kicked the door open, and as I ran forward, I was being chased by the equivalent of an angry tiger!

"Get the hell back here, you prats!" snarled the voice of an angry, hungry tiger woman!

"No can do Tony the Tiger! I'll bring you your frosted flakes another day, when the world isn't sinking!" I kicked through a door ahead, which allowed her to catch up significantly. Ohhh, boy...

"W-what did you just call me!?" incredulously shouted back the woman. What was her name again, Shou? It was short, so I could recall it better…

"I called you Tabby Tibbs, now stop tailing my ass!" She was catching up…!

I heard the thudding and sound of swipes at the air resound closely behind me! Eaaagh!

"You ruined our meal! You bastard!" Freakin'...

I knew I couldn't kick the door ahead open, so I just dove to the right, making sure to land on my back so the miko mess wouldn't get beat the fuck up by the floor. Shou ran past me and cut the door open, and it fell into pieces, water flowing in from outside- the front deck was right there!

Shou glared down at me as I rolled the miko mess off of me, and backed up to the wall behind me, standing slowly.

"...Any last words?" Shou glared down at me.

...I slowly reached for my sack. "Did you ever hear the story of Noah's Ark?"

She nodded. "Many times before. Doesn't even apply right now. I'm hungry."

I shake my head, laughing cockily. "Well, have you ever heard the tale of Super Noah's Ark 3D?"

Shou jerked her head back. "What? Does such a thing even exist?"

I slowly began to slip out Flame Dispenser… "Yeah. So, you know how Noah put two of every animal on a boat?"

Shou narrows her eyes in curiosity. "Go on…"

I twirl Flame Dispenser, with it fully extended and out of the sack. "He put two of every animal on the ark, and kicked the ass of every single one! Now, any time you put a bunch of animals in one place, it's called a _zoo_!"

God, I loved that quote…

"...Lady Hijiri always told me to forgive others for their mistakes, but that… that was something else…" Shou licked her lips, claws extended.

I pointed Flame Dispenser at her, and let the flames flow.

Fwooosh!

"W-what!?" Shou jumped back fearfully as the flames threatened her. Ten points to animal instincts for saving my ass!

"Back, sparky, back!" Fwoom…

"Y-you'll light the boat on fire! What are you doing!?" She carefully trotted back until her feet met the water flowing in.

I grin. "By the way, we're about to be six feet under if you don't get your ass on deck and start doing the thing with the-" Splash!

A water nuke on deck must'ave blown, because we all got slammed against the walls of the room, water gushing in, and quickly receding.

"Pain…" I moaned from the wall.

"W-w-waaahhh!" Shou began screaming, drenched.

"Aaaaahh!" Sanae, why are you screaming too!?

Shooting up from the floor, I grabbed the soggy miko mixture, and ran out of the room. I didn't see our raft, but coming up to the railing, I saw it in the water. Oh, fuck… good thing I had to have at least two health potions left, because I might feel this one in my creepy-ass dreams!

I take a leap of faith!

"W-whoaahly shit!" Reimu just realized what was going on, pupils contracting.

"I am Turok! Son of stone!" I roared, as I fell onto the raft. This is gonna fucking hurt no matter-

Thud, crack!

"W-waaah!"

"Sanae, stop screaming already and get the hell off of me!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: GENSOKYO SUBMERGED ====

I slowly awoke to rain and pain. Ouch…

I rose from the deck, my back aching. "A-aahhh… shit…"

I felt a hand press against my back. "Relax, you. That was pretty stupid." Never thought I'd hear that coming from Sanae…!

Reimu looked over to me from the edge of the raft. "The hell made you think you could survive a fall like that? Idiot…"

Sanae rolled me over, and I lied on my stomach, which wasn't entirely comfortable all things considered, but hey… "It's a _miracle_ you survived that… and it wasn't entirely up to chance that that miracle occurred, you know…"

Oh…. ooohhh! Wait… "So how exactly _did_ I survive that, then?"

I felt hands rub my ba- oohhh ho ho ho… back massages were truly from heaven! "Let's just say your spine _miraculously_ shifted back into place with a little nudge. Truth be told, it wasn't a hard fall, and if you landed yourself you probably would have only needed a few moments, but considering you landed with us on top of you an~d on your back, even the cushioning of the water didn't save you."

I couldn't really nod from my lying position, so I just grunted. I needed Ha-chan to give me some back massages some time… and hopefully she'd know how to do it without twisting it into a pretzel by accident. Actually, scratch that, I'll just have Sanae teach her, and _then_ I'd ask her for one. I didn't need my back to be ground-zero for an inexperienced massager!

"...So how long was I out?" I ask, enjoying the massage.

"Like, three hours. We thought you died for awhile there."

I nodded. "Yeah, I thought I did too. Sorta." ...I really didn't, but this back massage was doing a good job of making me ignore that fact! Whatever, if I die I can just chill with the succubi in hell or something. Hell has succubi, right? Or was that the demon realm? Is there a difference? I don't freakin' know!

...I've read up about the heaven in Gensokyo, and I don't want to go there! Peaches and sake every day make a dull boy!

Reimu glared at me. "Don't talk about dying so casually, or death'll start to say 'hello' a little more casually, too."

...As if it didn't upon my entrance to Gensokyo. I bet there's at least ten different places in my misadventures I could have died horribly, or been enslaved or something.

I look at her, and unable to make a shrug, sigh, grin, smirk, head tilt, or numerous other generic expressions I've kept reusing in this fanfic, I instead opted to just fucking reply already. "...I'll keep that in mind." ...I did raise a brow, more in contemplation than anything, though.

Reimu nodded, satisfied. "...Oh, by the way, we found a friend."

Ooh, friends! Reimu gestures to my left, and I turn and see a mermaid. Holy shit, Gensokyo had mermaids!? Why the hell haven't I heard about this!?... and where does she even live? The lake? There's like, no bodies of water in Gensokyo… aside from this one made just a few days ago.

"...Hello, friend." I grin.

"Hello!" She waved to me.

"...Name's Brad. I fight dust bunnies." I extend a hand from the floor.

She smiles. "Wakasagihime, I swim in water." She crawls over precariously and shakes my hand.

Wakasagihime! Actually rolls right of the tongue, and even though it looks like a bitch to type, it really isn't! Good name!

Reimu walks up to us, and sits down. "You saw that ship, right? Not the one we came in off of, but that metal one…"

Wakasagihime was still a mouthful to read, however, but that was a different story… "Yeah, there was this big, ominous metal ship coming on the horizon. It was pretty out of place in Gensokyo, but at sea you really couldn't tell…"

I look around. "Which way'd it go?"

Clunk!

Reimu pointed behind me, and I… was in no position to turn around. "...I'll take your word for-" Crack! Goheis to the head are never fun…

"I think you've had enough aid anyway…" Sanae stops the back massage. Help no.

...I start pulling Kaguya's shirt down- this thing was freakin' small on me! I had a mid-drift, and that was the last thing I wanted!

I rolled over, and uh… how the hell did I not notice that?

Behind us stood a tall, steampunk-topped ship with a large black metal hull, multiple machines extending into the water below. There were cannons on the sides of it-

Blam! Blam! Blam!

-which fired those mini-nukes, and I could tell because I saw the blue LEDs soar across the sky.

"...How are we supposed to get up there?" I asked.

Reimu smirked. "Notice how it's not raining around the ship?"

...Holy shit, yo. This thing was the source of the rain!

I grinned. "I didn't… but now that I have, I think we found our suspect."

She shrugged. "Well, that, and we can fly without the ripping winds that accompany the water."

That too!

Wakasagihime waved at us. "Good luck, you three! I mean, all this water's nice… but there's hardly anyone or anything in it! Everyone's hiding on high ground or in some waterproof shelter… it's not really that great. Grass is always greener, you know?"

...Like you'd know; I don't think lakes have grass on the bottom of them!... they have seaweed of a sort, I think. Or mud.

Either way…! "C'mon, guys! We're boarding this vessel!" I stick my arms out. "...Haelp!"

Sanae and Reimu lift me by my arms, and we float up to the vessel, abandoning our raft. I assume Wakasagihime would watch it for us…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: GENSOKYO SUBMERGED ====

Now onboard the ship, our shoes lightly clank against the metal deck as we land.

I brought a finger to my lips. "We've gotta be very quiet, yo! They could be housing freakin' nuclear warheads!"

BlamBlamBlamBlam!

The cannons roared as more mini-nukes were fired into the distance, raining across Gensokyo. How filled was everything, at this point…? I could hardly see anything past that fog, in any case.

...Well, water warheads. I called them nukes, but there was nothing nuclear about them except for their shape.

The entire ship seemed… automated. Various gears and pipes whirled and whistled, and just by walking around the three of us were treated to at least five different furnaces, all being automatically fed coal, as we walked down the singular catwalk aside the ship.

Dirty, lukewarm puddles of water swirled in every corner of the floor, a sort of unpleasant and stuffy heat being given off by the entire ship, much like the engine of a car if you pop open the hood and take a good whiff like a freakin' maniac.

Ports in the floor opened up, and what looked like large air conditioners emerged from the floor.

I chuckle. "Yeah, considering the environmental impact this thing has, it'd need air conditioners to not freakin collapse in a ball of flames."

The first air conditioner then spews out water all over us, as if we needed to be wetter.

"What gives?" Reimu rolled her eyes, staring at her soaked shrine maiden outfit.

The second air conditioner emitted a gentle breeze…

Cr-r-raack…!

"W-w-huh…" Sanae was beginning to freeze! That's some cold air…!

I briefly shield her from the cold wind to stop her from freezing. "Reimu, turn off the AC! It's too high!"

Bloodbath yin-yang orbs flew forward and hit the air-conditioning units, and torrents of water and oil flew from them, as they caught fire due to said water and oil getting all jumbled up on the inside.

Kaboom!... Blam!

The machines exploded, parts raining across the deck.

"...That was mean!" I exclaimed, dusting myself off.

Clunk-unk! Clunk! Clunk-unk!

Looking to the side of the deck, we saw another mass-produced plastic trash bin filled with really upset fluffles.

I brandished Quake Maker, and readied myself. "Reimu, Sanae, you guys go explore the deck a bit and try to find the asshole in charge, I'll be going on a dust-lusting rampage!"

They nod, and dash off past the trash can.

Clunk-unk!...Clap!

A clapping noise was produced as the top flipped open and angry, toxic fluffles rushed out to greet me.

"The Earth is not your salad bar!" I roared, spinning towards the fluffles, sending them all spiraling into the steampunk machines to my sides. I hope at least one landed in a furnace!

Clunk-unk!

The can bounced closer, and I took that moment to take a swing!

Thuunk!

It flew to the side, toxic chemicals spewing out of it, and some fluffles, too. They ran for me, and I punted some. One climbed on my leg and I had to rip it off with my hand. I could feel the green substance burn my hand a bit…!

"Whose idea was it to cuddle in green sludge? They should be fired from the cuddly committee!" I yelled. Melee-attacking this thing wasn't the best idea, because it could retaliate…

Clunk-unk!

I stuffed Quake Maker in the sack as I ran towards it, green toxins raining down behind me, as I pulled out Flame Dispenser and started going to work on the side of it.

Fwoosh…

Flames licked the plastic, heating it!

Fwish…

My flames weakened, and my head spun a little. I needed a bigger mana pool!

I took out a mana potion…

Clunk-unk!

… and began running as an assortment of fluffles chased me across the deck.

"I'm not your mother! Eat shit and die!" I yelled, running past multiple air conditioning units extending out of the deck's ports.

BlamBlamBlamBlam!

More mini-nukes fired into the sea, the fluffles freezing up from the noise, before continuing to chase me.

I took a gulp of my mana potion- what I could of it anyway, and waited for it to kick in…

...Hardly noticable, but I had something!

I turned, and lit them up. Fwooosh…!

"Waaal!" The pissed fluffles tried to run at me through the flames, but they lost direction and focus as the green substance lit them up like a firecracker, and they quickly burned away in miniature infernos.

"Come here, pop into my oven!" I taunted them, grinning as I paused to drink the rest of my potion.

Gulp...Gulp...Gulp…

Haahhh…

Woosh…

A freezing wind resounded across the deck, whatever fluffles that didn't die were now put out.

"Waaal…" They menacingly neared me, but since they weren't covered in goo anymore, I just ignored them and ran for the trash can.

"This time you'll burn!" Fwooosh!

The flames licked up the side of it, and it started bubbling, bits of poison on the inside crackling and popping, and eventually…

Fwoom!

The entire can went up in flames. "Waaal!" The yells of the fluffles inside was heard as the plastic melted, and the trash can was no more, now a pile of flaming goo.

Water flowed down from the air conditioning units mounted on the walls, trying to treat the fire… but you do not treat an oil or whatever-the-hell-toxin-that-was fire with water!

The fire started spreading as the goo spread across the surface of the deck.

Clunk-unk! Clunk-unk! Clunk-unk!

Oh, fuck me, there were more of these bastards!?

The water mixed with the goo, spreading the flames across the deck gradually.

Woosh…

Freezing wind washed across the deck, but the fuel fire was already too strong for it to really do anything anymore.

I was still grinning at the flames… but now I was backing away a little nervously too. Pipes started whistling across the deck as the flames spread, and the furnaces started going nuclear… in the metaphorical sense; if this thing really had nuclear power I think I'd be paddling halfway across Gensokyo right now…

Clunk-unk!

Oh yeah, that thing.

Clap!

Out flew angry fluffles! Please, no! I aimed my Flame Dispenser as I passed them.

Fwooosh…

Flames licked them as I ran away down the deck, trying to get somewhere that wasn't undergoing a meltdown.

"Waaal!"

I passed a certain red-haired succubus, who was staring off the left railing, into the ocean. She turned to me, having heard sounds of violence.

Her eyes widened. "What- you!? How did you get here!?"

I ran past her. "No time, I've started a war!"

Kaboom! Mother, I couldn't take out the trash because it fucking exploded!

Koakuma flew up next to me, fleeing with me as the front deck was up in melting metal and flames, explosions resounding throughout and mechanical parts whistling.

"What the hell have you done, again!?" Koakuma shouts, following me.

"This is your fault for carrying explosive trash bins on deck!" I yelled back.

BlamBlamBlamBlam!

Was there even a point to firing so many water bombs!?... although from the size of those barrages, those were the ones nailing Byakuren's ship…

Wooooooo!

Oh god, the whistling of the brass pipes! Make it stop!

KATHOOOooomm…

...That wasn't a good noise. I think this ship's gonna sink… but the whistling stopped! Yo!

Koakuma turned to me, horrified. "...Oh, shit, that was the thermal engines going…"

I shook my head. "Shoulda disposed of your waste properly…" Reduce, reuse, recycle!

She turned to glare at me. "It's not my fault those dusty dumbasses liked to bathe in the stuff!"

I don't think they did, but never-the-less they still all somehow got caught in the bins like it was their freakin' life goals.

Blam! Boom!

...Instead of contemplating life goals, I think I should be contemplating running!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: GENSOKYO SUBMERGED ====

We escaped the main deck, and all the destruction that went with it. Now we stood on the side deck, quite near the back of the ship.

"...How did you get on, anyway?" Koakuma asked me again.

Bam!

Out of the metal near us, a blue laser shot out of the wall, water pooling under it.

Reimu flew out, Sanae accompanying her.

Out flew a man in a fittingly steampunk outfit, with a hat, goggles, and a large metal blaster mounted on his shoulder, apparently cooling down from that water-esque laser it fired.

He turned to me, smirking. "Oh, who might this be, my dearest Koa-chan?"

...Koa-chan? Was this man being used by a succubus?

Koakuma put a finger to her lips. "Oh, he's a bad, bad, man, Storm-kun! He tried to hurt me a long, long time ago!"

The man's gaze locked on me. Go fuck yourself, Koakuma!

I slapped her bum with Flame Dispenser, causing her to yelp and for her dress to ignite.

"You're lookin' hot today, Koakuma!" I shouted, dashing back towards the violence, because that's more preferable than facing mister dripsalot back there!

"F-fire!" Koakuma shouted, before the man's blaster unleashed a torrent of water, drenching her.

"...Thanks." Koakuma rolled her eyes, wiping her hair out of her eyes.

"Any time, Ko- Aaugh!" Blue danmaku bullets struck him from behind, and he started rocketing towards me.

He paused in the air over me, and shot strings of gushing water out of his blaster, forcing Reimu and Sanae to hang back a bit.

He landed in front of me, stomping towards me, his boots clicking against the metal.

"Well, my dear boy, if you hadn't known already, I am the Stormy Rainmaker!"

...I dunno what to say about that name; it sounds cool yet cliched at the same time… like a saturday morning cartoon villain!

"...and I am here to flood all of Gensokyo! It will feel the tears I felt when my father was slain by your kind ignorantly! The Hakurei Miko will feel wrath once her lungs are devoid of air at the bottom of the new Bay of Gensokyo! Huahahahahah!"

"...Now you just sound like Skeletor." I added. Who was his father, anyway…?

"Silence, fool!" His fist flew forward, and I blocked with Flame Dispenser, his fist igniting. He grimaced at his yellow, gloved fist, and water fell down upon it. "...You will regret your course of action, child…"

I grin. "Make me, son!"

He aims his water blaster, and water rockets out of it like a fire hose. I duck beneath it, and he shoots backwards, rocketing past an exhausted Reimu and Sanae.

"Stand still already! This is getting more annoying than difficult!" Reimu shouted, turning back to chase him down.

"Hold it, wenches!" Koakuma flew up, and shot a basic danmaku spread at the two, but they expertly weaved through it and used both of their sticks to smack Koakuma across the face.

"W-waauuh!" Koakuma spiraled to the ship, collapsing on the metallic surface.

"K-Koa-chan!" the Stormy Rainmaker yelled, his eyes widening. "You'll all pay for your ignorance!"

The fog and storminess around us began dissipating, the clouds breaking for the first time in forever since the ship began to be sieged. The fog very very quickly faded, revealing the entirety of the ocean's surface. From here, I could see the Palanquin, the tip of Youkai Mountain… with alot of angry tenants upon it, and I could see other various floating crafts…

Grinning, the Stormy Rainmaker looked around at the sea. "It will be a marriage of water and magic! It will be glorious, and then the world can be created anew once it is fully cleansed through the blissful embrace of water!"

We all ran up to meet him at his back deck of the ship. It was large, and barren, only a few lounging benches breaking the empty metal platform…

BlamBlamBlamBlam!

...that was still going on, by the way.

I grinned. "...Water's a shitty element, anyway. You need a few more tools than that, I'd think." ...Water was actually one of my favorite elements to bring into things!

Reimu glared. "...You're making a terrible mistake."

Sanae grinned herself. "This has been an awesome adventure! Let's beat the final boss together, guys!"

The Stormy Rainmaker scowled at us. "...Stupid, star-eyed brats. I'll drown you all, and the world will see my conviction! You try to save Gensokyo in vain, because it will be in flames!"

...Well, we've given our pre-battle monologues! It's time to fuck shit up!

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

END OF CHAPTER 12

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Plant Hanger Master, Scarlet Liberator, Captain of the Generic Wooden Raft.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Maker - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes due to an upgrade. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder.

INVENTORY:

Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Dispenser - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Upgraded to have a nozzle with which the weapon can be utilized as a flame thrower with.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Hydraulic- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Mundane, but practical in the eyes of a few. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Due to a dark amulet upgrade, it may be used to cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. When highly charged with buffs, the scythe can even inflict instantaneous death upon certain enemies who are not inherently immune to dark elemental things; although it's general consensus that instant death is ineffective against anyone of any real power, as they'd probably resist the effects.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Marks the wielder for death, dropping instant death resistance to zero and forces them to take 25% increased damage from all sources, but Flandre wasn't aware of the negatives when she created it. Different from the dark-elemental hanger in that this converts missing health into pure speed and none into power, and the increased damage isn't as punishing.

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Fancy operating cross v.2.0 - Allows control and summoning of a London doll, along with some basic commands.

A Blue, Water-Elemental Core - It's freakin' soggy!

PARTY:

London, the Doll - Defensive unit, able to hold positions and provide cover-fire. Command is slightly dynamic, sporting defensive and offensive modes. Able to be used for more intricate operations; although seems to be strangely absent if the operating cross is in the hammerspace sack this time…

Sanae Kochiya, the (apparently human) Newbie Goddess of the Mountain - A well-mannered girl with a fixation on gaming and mechs, and some other computer things I don't know about.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Gohei and holy magics borrowed from her goddesses, likely. I should bring her to a fluffle and see if they sell Kanakos there…

Reimu Hakurei, the Shrine Maiden of Paradise - Human with holy affinities and gifted with the amazing Hakurei abilities, including the power to wield the Hakurei Yin-yang orb.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Bloodbath Yin-yang orbs: Boosts attack power, and allows collection of blood to increase attack power up to 70% temporarily, affecting speed, power, and bullet density of danmaku. Non-elemental in nature, but has the uncanny effect of inflicting bleeding with ease, as if it had insane friction for some reason. Sports a red-purple color scheme.

INVENTORY: Hakurei Yin-yang orbs: Reimu's traditional yin-yang orbs which accent her holy abilities by boosting the power of holy attacks. Has a black-white color scheme. Known throughout Gensokyo as pain incarnate. Said to give one the ability to eat sweets, and not get fat!... I have that ability too; it's called a high metabolism!

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

time for soggy combat, friends!

now THIS feels like an important incident!

so far i'm quite pleased with how its gone, if a bit curious as to if the pacing's a little too whacky… and it probably is, but i feel like quality's boosted overall

...not alot to say at these notes, at the moment!

i might later in proof-reading though.

spooler: had more to say in proofreading

ME AND HYPHENS: ...don't agree with eachother, but you won't see that with my proofreader around - w -

...if you want to know why i haven't really "addressed" positive criticism, well… what's there to say other than "thank you"? oh, by the way, thanks, friends!

...most of it is stuff that i generally agree with as of the 24 reviews this has (and like 10 of them are some hotheaded dude(s))

...and by agree with, i mean the positive reviews; addressing the negative ones in length is just my boredom slipping in and me feeling SOME desire to react to criticism, even if invalid, though if it becomes excessive i'll just ignore it unless it's actually something i agree with / think i need to think about or address, right now it's just for funsies and to be transparent with my readers in a way

in any case, see you all next time!


	14. Back to the World Building!

(in which we get cold, and wet, and sad)

Tensions were high… with this Jack Stone-faced guy!

Seriously, this guy had hair and a face on him like one of those Jack Stone LEGO figures.

Clunk-unk! Clunk-unk! Clunk-unk!

Trash bins filled with toxic waste and fluffles bounced in from the edges around the on-ship structure.

"...Reimu, your orbs do a terrific job of cleaning up those plastic cans. Could you…?" I proposed.

"I was planning on it." Reimu took off for the incoming support, leaving me and Sanae to the Stormy Rainmaker.

"Now, I get to watch you die!" He pulls out a walkie-talkie, and flips it open.

"Fluff air battalion B-58, need a storm on my central. Over."

...Did he have air backup?

Vroom! Overhead a jet soared by, storm clouds following it, and it started raining heavily in that line, creating a weird sunny rainstorm atmosphere…

Fluffles run out of the back doors of the ship's control building thing, the one we kept running around but never called a noun because I dunno the name of it! It's that rectangle that separates the decks!

...By the way, yes, he had air support, apparently.

"Sanae, I need you to put pressure on him!" I yell out, and pull out an operating cross, filling it with magic. "London, hold your ground to the final bullet!"

London came from abso-freakin-lutely nowhere, and soared towards the Rainmaker.

The Rainmaker flew for London, face-tanking her danmaku.

"Screw numbers! Unless you have me outnumbered forty to one, this battle is mine!"

He slams down his large metal blaster on London, a hard dose of reality literally knocking the magic out of her. She wasn't destroyed, but the life left London as she clattered uselessly to the floor, the magic holding her together dispelled.

Sanae blanched. "T-that's some power for a strike…"

The Rainmaker put a hand to his back. "...That's not easy on the back, though…"

I shake my head. "You shoulda gotten a back massage prior to this. You had a succubus, didn't you?"

He tilted his head. "The hell's a 'suck-you-bus'? Is that a new kind of insult the hipsters use these days? It sounds retarded!"

I jerk my head back. "The hell're you doing in Gensokyo!?"

He aims his water-blaster. "None of your business, ignorant prat!"

Bubbles roared out as if from a machinegun, and I streamed along the side of them until he stopped. "You just gave a big ass monologue earlier about why you were here!"

Sanae pelted him with blue shots, but they didn't accomplish much.

"Waaal!" Poison and fluffles flew across the deck behind us, propelled by yin-yang orbs. A tower of flames was visible on the front deck as the ship slowly began tilting…

Flipping open his walkie-talkie, the Rainmaker apparently needed more backup. "B-58, need a net on the green bitch. Over."

Vrooom…

"What!?" Sanae looked offended by the comment, but a steel net quickly dropped from above, binding her.

"A-aaaaahh!" Sanae screamed, struggling against the metal wiring unsuccessfully.

I pocket Flame Dispenser- fire wasn't gonna be handy against water, but… I brandish Quake Maker, ready to kick some soggy, wet ass!

"I can make the Earth tremble!" I announce, pumping myself up.

"And I can make it drown!" The Rainmaker shoots canisters into the air, and they land and clatter across the deck.

Blash! Blam! Splosh!

The deck is covered in water, but I stood in it, unaffected for the most part as I slammed Quake Maker onto the deck.

Once the waves receded and washed off the deck, I ran for the him, and slammed him with Quake Maker.

"Gah!" He stumbled back slightly… and only that. Oh, shit! What the hell was this guy made of!?

"You'll die for that!" He leaps across the deck, and a stream of scalding water falls on me, and I'm slightly burned as I dash out of it.

"Pain!" I yell, and I hear the cold metal crack a bit from the sudden temperature change.

"H-he~lp!" Sanae yells out, stuck against the central wall.

"I'm coming!" Reimu shouts, making her way to her from the side deck.

The Rainmaker begins for them but I swing Quake Maker at him against his direction of progression, knocking him over and forcing him to fly into the air to ready himself again.

"You're starting to make me slightly angry!" he yells, aiming down at me and sending a stream of rocketing bubbles at me again, prompting me to stream them as best as I could.

Clii~ng!

The metal net is ripped apart by Reimu's yin-yang orbs, freeing Sanae.

"Ya~y!" Sanae yells out, hugging Reimu.

Pulling out the walkie-talkie, Rainmaker makes another call. "B-58, could use reinforcements!... Yes- yes I know! No, the blue ones! I'm not fire elemental, dammit! Just, put it on my card, whatever!" Click!

I grin. "...Customer service troubles?"

He glares back at me. "Shut up. You don't even know what a corporation is, I bet!"

I stare at him curiously. "...Alright, whatever makes you happy, son."

"I'm not your son, you asshole!" Struck a nerve, I did!

Vrooom…

Fluffle archers floated down, accompanied by fluffle mages, all in water gear.

BlamBlamBlamBlam!

Looking to the sea, I saw the Palanquin drawing nearer. Our own reinforcements would be arriving, shortly enough!

"abandon ship!" I hear fluffles yell from the deck, the unarmed fluffles making their ways to life rafts and other things to float on to escape the ship.

"That war's been lost, my fluffy friends, but I assure you, I will walk away from this fight!" Rainmaker shouts to them, still pleased for whatever reason.

He turns to the archers and mages. "Keep them safe until they've all made it away from the ship! This battle's mine!"

That's… surprisingly considerate, considering they're just fluffles.

The fluffles make their way to their brethren, helping them fly onto the life rafts.

I was pushed out of the way by Reimu as the Rainmaker attempted to crush me with his blaster, and it slammed against the deck, denting it with a horrible metal screeching sound to accompany it.

"Woah, shit!" I yelled, startled. I was focused on the fluffles!

"What're you doing!? Don't get careless!" Reimu shouts, glaring at me.

I nod clumsily. "A-ah, right…"

Splooosh!

Torrents of water were what Sanae had to weave through as she neared the Rainmaker, pelting him with danmaku.

"You'll never take me alive, you selfish youkai-enthusiasts!" shouted the Rainmaker, as he held his ground, firing pillars of water.

Quake Maker was okay, but it wasn't doing as much damage to him as I'd like… and I wasn't hurt enough for Sharper Than Darkness to be effective yet, I don't think…

I wonder, did Patchy's water stream spell work with fire…?

I held out my hand, and began focusing…

"...What, are you calling for a time out or something? Stupid!" he taunted me, chuckling.

Fwoomth!

A stream of fire shout out of my extended hand, washing over him.

"Motherfucker!" He shot pillars of water around erratically, one hitting me, sending me sliding across the deck.

"Aagh! Rugbu~rn…!" I whined. This metal deck was no slip-'n'-slide, to be certain!

He aimed his water-blaster again, and this time, a shockwave of wind sent Reimu and Sanae spiraling away. The rain in the air started to fade; it wasn't as heavy as the storms before, to begin with.

I stood up to find him extinguished again and Reimu and Sanae were forced to opposite sides of the deck.

"All those who've helped me to this point… your sacrifices will not be in vain!" That's an unfitting line coming from this Rainmaker guy!

He slammed his water blaster into the ground, and suddenly blue flowers bloomed from the metal, ripping it open.

What the hell?

I brandished Flame Dispenser- finally stuff I could burn, even if it was just mooks!

"I can do more than summon backup, fools!" gloated the Rainmaker. The flowers bobbed back and forth, blue petals flying off them and flying towards the three of us. Reimu and Sanae had little problem dodging them, and I had to use some mana to burn the razor-sharp leaves heading for me.

Fwooosh…!

The leaves burned quickly, their thin nature betraying them. Using this opportunity, I dashed towards one of the flowers and clotheslined it with my Flame Dispenser.

Fwoom…!

It quickly went up in flames, and as it died, it exploded into a splash of water, sending me soaring into the central wall.

"Fucking… I've had enough of water!" I yelled from the wall. At this rate, I wonder…

"A little water never killed anyone… except you! Hahahah!" The Rainmaker chortled, taking great pleasure in my pain.

It was time to take pleasure from my own pain… and not quite in the masochistic way! I pulled out Sharper Than Darkness. "Shit's 'bout to get real, you edgy bastard!" I yelled. This thing shoulda been called Edgier Than Darkness… but it's a little late for that now!

I ignored the flowers- Reimu and Sanae could take care of them, and instead sprinted towards the Rainmaker.

I swing Sharper Than Darkness, only for the Rainmaker to pull out a basic metal gunblade to parry me. He drops his water blaster as we have a sword duel in the midst of the two remaining flowers.

One of the flowers bobbed up and down, and storm clouds formed again, and it began raining.

BlamBlamBlamBlam!

Have fun with those mini-nukes, Hijiri!

The other flower bobbed moments later, and then a geyser shot out from under Reimu while she was changing directions, clipping her.

"Kyah!?" She spiralled away, soaked.

"I am an unholy retribution machine!" The Rainmaker maniacally declares, his grin becoming less and less sane as we duel.

Click! Clack! Woosh, woosh… Clank!

"Koa-chan, Kazami, Ten-chan… This world will be remade for you!"

...What did the last two have to do with anything!? Ten-chan… was that Tenshi, or that Tenma tengu person? ...Was it someone else entirely?

Swish! His blade soared past my face. I had to focus- I could think about his waifus later!

I leaped back, and he dashed for his water blaster, and in one smooth motion, lifted it up and shot a canister into the air at an arc. As it landed, bullets flew out, water trailing behind them. A mixture of real bullets, danmaku, and water made a beautifully terrifying concoction as I scrambled away from the blasts.

The flowers were dead, Reimu and Sanae having plucked them. A quick glance at the Palanquin told me it was nearly here…

The sun was beginning to set again. How long have we been fighting for!?

"Reimu, just use the yin-yang orbs on the guy already!"

"What do you think I've been trying to do!?" Reimu retorted at me, sending the orbs to the Rainmaker, but he parried and deflected some with heavy swings of his blaster. Those that hit him caused gloriously large streaks of blood to wash across the surface of the ship, but only made him stagger.

"I will never fall! I'm a master of the world!" exclaims the Rainmaker, his sense all but lost as he joyfully glared at us. He flipped open his walkie-talkie. "Hey, this is Stormy. Fuck'em!" He hung up.

I wonder if they'd respond to that…

He aimed his water blaster, flipping up an ironsight.

"Goose!" I shouted, ducking.

BLAM

Water droplets landed on me as a sniper bullet ripped the air. It hit the wall behind me, exploding into a blast of water.

I didn't expect a fucking sniper bullet! What the hell was his blaster!?

I ran up to him while he was taking aim on Sanae, but I was a tad too late.

BLAM

"Yaauugh!" Sanae spiraled back… but she wasn't bleeding, rather, she was completely soaked, the bullet exploding into a blast of water like it did against the wall.

Sanae felt herself. "...Huh."

I slammed the Rainmaker across the face with Sharper Than Darkness, sending him staggering.

"U-ugh…!" He grasps his face, and I double-jump over him, bringing the flat of Sharper Than Darkness down on his head again.

"Fuaachhk!" He clumsily swears, as I inflicted major head trauma on him.

Yin-yang orbs nailed him again, and his blood came out like a fountain, or a waterfall.

"Aaaaauugh!" He kneeled, pain overcoming him.

BlamBlamBlamBlam!

The mini-nukes overshot the Palanquin, it was so close!

KaBlam!

The ship we were on exploded in the mid section, metal raining across the ocean as a towering pillar of flames bisected the ship.

Reimu picked me up by the waist, and Sanae followed us, and we fled to the Palanquin.

"N-no! Come back, you cowards! This fight isn't over!" shouted the Stormy Rainmaker, desperately putting his arm out, but remaining kneeled.

Boom!

An explosion casted him aside, and his ship began imploding, the various complications becoming too much for it.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: GENSOKYO SUBMERGED ====

We landed on the Palanquin, being greeted by Byakuren.

"...I see you've cleared up the weather." The rain above the ship was beginning to dissipate again, the flower's spell wearing off.

Reimu nods. "...Yeah, we did."

We saw the fluffle life rafts sail into the distance, still being escorted by archers and mages. I wonder what he had for fluffles, anyway…

I look to the tilting half of the steampunk ship, and see the Rainmaker roll off the ship, and into the body of water below. Rest in pieces!

Sanae grimaced. "A-ahh... shouldn't we save him!?"

Reimu turned to her, but Byakuren dived in the moment Sanae proposed the idea.

"H-hey! Ah, whatever…" Reimu slouched on the railing, conceding.

Murasa ran up to us, Shou, Nazrin, and Ichirin behind her, among a few others. This reminded me that I had not met the whole temple cast during my stay on the boat, but I could do that later!

"Where's the steampunk pirates!? Did Byakuren already move to engage!?" Murasa shouted her question, ready for combat.

I shake my head. "They died, friend. Freakin' fluffy was what they were."

Murasa's face fell. "Aahhwww, dammit… I was itching to use this ladle again!" Murasa demonstrated, tipping it overboard and letting water pour into the sea.

I put up a hand. "I-I've seen enough water for one day, thank you very much…"

The other disciples, monks, and assorted holy people all groaned, making their ways back into the Palanquin.

Byakuren landed back on the deck, holding a waterlogged Stormy Rainmaker, his blaster and gunblade missing. She threw him on the floor, staring at him… just staring.

I look at her. "...Aren't you going to uh, do the CPR thing, or…"

"...He doesn't need CPR; his water resistant gear would have never let him drown, anyway."

What. "...How does that work?" I ask. Pretty sure if you've got a badass enchanted bikini, it's not gonna save your lungs from exploding.

Byakuren sighs, ready to give a lecture. "Well… do you really want to know the theoretical magic work behind that?"

...Maybe. Another day, perhaps. "...Maybe some other time." I settle with.

She raises her brow at that answer, but looks relieved regardless. "Very well."

"...I'm still conscious, you pricks…" muttered the Rainmaker.

"Oh, fuck!" I jump back. Woohohoaah!

"...When I get out of here, I'll try this again. When I do… Gensokyo will flood."

Byakuren smiled, and kneeled over him. Then, she grabbed him by the collar, lifting him up.

"What was that?" she asked, smiling.

"I said I will never rest until I've go- oof!" A powerful punch to the stomach took all the fight out of the Rainmaker.

Crack!

...I thought that was his bones at first, but a metal plating under his jacket cracked, pieces falling out.

"...Not good enough." Byakuren judged his enchantment. "You've got a long way to go as both a mage, and as an antagonist. Antagonism is never the way to go, you know…"

She began to walk into the Palanquin, carrying ol' Stormy with her…

"...Well… now what?" I asked.

Reimu shrugged. "...Everything's still flooded. Shit."

Sanae giggled nervously. "Well… ahah…"

I turn to Reimu. "Couldn't you get Yukari to fix this?"

"Oh~, but that would be… too easy." Speak of the devil.

Reimu glares at the gap opening behind us. "Eat shit, Yukari. We can do this ourselves."

Yukari peeks out of it, and looks at me. "Well, the master has spoken! Tootaloo!"

Thus, Yukari was gone… shiieeeut!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: GENSOKYO SUBMERGED ====

We were riding back towards the infamous Youkai Stranded Rock In The Middle Of The Ocean.

I sat at a tiny table, with a fluffle archer at one side and Stormy at the other. Nazrin was sitting across from me. We were playing Go Fish… again.

"...You're gonna get kicked out for card counting." Nazrin said out of nowhere.

"...Eheh…" I laughed awkwardly, looking up at her. "Say, you got any twos?"

"You're a fuckin' card counter who counts cards! Raaahhh!" Nazrin leaps at me, clinging to my shirt.

"Oh, shit! Jesus fuck, it's a mouse! Mouse in the house! Help!" I begin shouting, flailing around the room, tipping the little table over and startling the fluffle.

"...Kill me." Stormy curled up in the corner in the fetal position, now in monk robes instead of his steampunk attire.

I ran through the door ahead, flailing my arms.

"I hate meeces to peeces!" I yelled, desperately trying to rip Nazrin off me, but she held on ferociously.

Sanae and Reimu were eating rice crackers on the golden sofa, and watched me run in, flailing like a lunatic.

"...There we go, now that's entertainment." Reimu smiled, eating her food.

"You're scary sometimes, Reimu!" Sanae said that, but she still smiled with her, eating her rice crackers.

Shou walked in. "Nazrin, have you-"

"It pinches- ooouhh it pinches! Ouchie ouch ouch ouch!" I yelled, as Nazrin clung to me way too freakin' tightly!

"...Nevermind, I'll come back later." Shou decided, leaving the room.

I eventually gave up, and fell onto my back. "Graaaauugh!"

Nazrin continued to cling to me, but eventually got up when I stopped moving. "...Hey, card counter, you still up?"

I stared blankly into space, pretending to be dead. Maybe this would work…!

"...Card counter, get up!" She punted me but I didn't respond. I hardly felt it, anyway.

"...A-are you okay?" Nazrin suddenly gets frantic, trying to check my pulse by my wrist but from multiple attempts it didn't seem she knew how.

"...Get the fuck up! Don't you die on me!" Nazrin started shaking my head around, and slapped me a bit, but I didn't respond.

"...Oh, shit. I… K-killed a man…" Nazrin blanched, backing away from my body. "W-what will the mikos do to me?...What will… oh, fuck!"

I decide to end the joke here… "Ooga booga booga!" I sit up yelling.

"Kyaahh~!" Nazrin shouts, turning as white as a sheet.

"Get owned, noob, get owned!" I replied, pointing at her.

"Waahhh!?" Kogasa fell from behind a doorway, equally surprised as Nazrin.

"Wuh…?" I just noticed that pink girl in the corner of the- nowhere at all apparently. Hmm…

Nazrin glares at me. "...You're gonna get thrown overboard for card counting."

I throw my hands into the air. "I can't help it, dude, I count cards! It's what I do! I'm banned at tournaments!"

Nazrin blows a raspberry at me. "Yeah, you should be! Go fish… tournaments…"

She suddenly realized how silly that sounded.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: GENSOKYO SUBMERGED ====

We closed in on the freakin' crowded, tiny little rock that had just a few things on it: the Moriya Shrine, and like, all the tengu and kappa and generic youkai…

"..." I couldn't quote their angry murmur, but let me assure you: the salt was real.

The voice of Kanako echoed across the rock. "Everybody, **be quiet!** "

Instant silence… barring some tengu, but they quickly became a whisper instead of a murmur, at the very least.

Kanako floated up to us, looking pleased. "My weather abilities… have fully returned to me. I take it you had success, Sanae, and uh…"

Kanako took notice of me wearing Kaguya's shirt. "You sure that's appropriate?"

I nod. "Yeah… I'm sure it's not appropriate!"

She rolls her eyes. "Typical…"

Sanae decides to pipe in before I get railed on by Kanako anymore. "Yeah, we did it, Kanako-sama! We beat the steampunk pirates into submission!"

Kanako smiled. "Good… now just one little thing…"

I think I knew what the problem was. "Gee, aye dunno…" I said anyway.

"The _entire goddamned mountain_ is on my front lawn!" Kanako roared, expression flaring at us.

I smile. "...Well, have you got any-"

"Do something!" Kanako yells at us less intensely than before.

Hold on… "Hey, Reimu…" I turned to Reimu.

She turned to me. "Hmm?"

I furrow my brows in realization. "...We need Suika. She's the way to deflood the world!"

Reimu widens her eyes. "Wha~t? What nonsense are you talking now?"

I grab her shoulders. "Yo, she can make black holes, right?...Or was it manipulate density, or the likes…?"

...Reimu's face beams. "...Brad, sometimes you've got a method to your madness that's absolute genius. When you're not completely stupid, that is."

I smiled. "Why, thank you!" As sincere of a compliment as I'll ever get from her!

Reimu turned to the goers of the Palanquin. "We're off to find an oni, everyone!..."

She turns to me, grimacing. "Where the hell'd Suika be in everything?"

I look around. "Any solid things still existing?"

...We see a small iceberg in the distance, more like a block of ice at the waves.

I point at it. "Thar she blows!"

Murasa walks up and looks at me crudely. "...I'm not sinkin' my ship, dumb-bell." It was only a block of ice, not the iceberg that sunk the… whatever!

I scowl at her. "Well, then someone needs to grab that block of ice, and bring it over here!"

Ichirin stops pushing crates in the background with Unzan. "Ooh, ooh, Unzan could do that! Show them, Unzan!"

Unzan's arm stretches all~ the way over to the ice platform, and drags it over towards us, water being ripped aside as it roars back. It stops, and friends are flung off it, onto the boat before us.

"Oof!" Hello, Cirno!... and Rumia, Wriggle, Mystia, Daiyousei, and a gaggle of other fairies… that'sa lotta fairies…

Suika is in the pile too! I walk up to her, ignoring the murmurs of protest and discomfort from the occupants of the ice rock.

"Good morning, Suika!" I call out, even though it was almost night now.

"...Wazah…" I'll take that as a good sign!

I point her at the water. "Are you a bad enough dude to sink the entire ocean beneath the ocean?"

Suika turns to me. "Baahh, easy… Child's play…"

Stumbling forward, she stomps so hard she accidentally falls through the Palanquin, and into the water below. The Palanquin begins to sink due to the hole cleaved in it… but in a moment, that ceases to be a problem.

The water begins to dissolve into mist, and rapidly, the entire ocean becomes white. A dense fog denies me from seeing a few feet in front of my hand, but the fog starts to raise into the air…

From the mountain, I see a giant Suika lifting the fog cloud, pushing it up into the sky, wind whirling on the edges of the horizon, before she gives it a stern uppercut, soaring into the air. Before she totally annihilated the surface of Gensokyo, she shrank back down to size, allowing herself to fall back to earth quite some distance away from the mountain; she had to be near the Hakurei shrine from how far she was…

The Palanquin ceased sinking, now floating by magic again. Couldn't we have used that to prevent sinking…?

Stormy walked out onto the deck, jaw dropping. "...W-what…"

...I had nothin'! "...Dayum. Couldn't she have just done that in the first place?"

Reimu turned to me, looking bored. "Well, she was probably too busy having a blast drunkenly navigating the waves…"

We all took a moment to process what just happened,

"...That works, I suppose." Kanako nodded, her face forming a 'seems legit' expression.

The mountain youkai, all angry at the world and at the water, were now somewhat placated by this turn of events, their murmur becoming soft as they began down the mountain.

"Ayayayaya! That was quite a turn of events!" Bird bullshit!

"Hello, Aya…" I replied, scowling. I didn't feel like paparazzi at the moment…!

She flies in front of me, grinning. "So, how's about that flood…?"

I stare back, exhausted. "I dunno, I didn't see anything. I was bound and gagged by Reimu and company the whole time…"

Reimu smacked me on the back of the head. "Don't go spreading rumors!"

Aya was already writing down on her notepad. "And what then, what then?"

I tilted my head. "...Didn't I just say-"

She interrupted me. "Yeah, that wasn't enough, more info please!"

...Well, alright then… "So I awoke one night, right? It was a dark night at sea, I assure you…" I began, starting to become dramatic.

Eyes lighting up, Aya readied her pen and notebook. "Ohhh, boy! This sounds juicy…!"

I look into the distance, as if reliving the moment. "When I awoke… I heard a sound. A horrible sound…"

"Go on, go on!" Aya was furiously scribbling.

"...It sounded like a _garbage truck_! Falling off the empire state building! Kabooosh, crackle, bwaash!" I began making hand gestures to illustrate the violence.

"..." Aya slowly stopped scribbling, transitioning to glaring at me. People here probably didn't know what a garbage truck or empire state building were, but I'll be damned if I couldn't use that quote at some point!

She turned to Reimu expectantly, and Reimu smiled. "What he said."

"When you see the man with a machinegun for a head, yo, tell'em Big Toy sen'cha!" I added, cackling at the end.

"...Jerks." Aya decided, floating away slowly, agitated.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Reimu and I sat around a ruined kotatsu, caked in mud and leaves, sitting inside a very waterlogged Hakurei Shrine, still dripping wet.

Sanae was to the left, still in my shirt and having nothing but a bikini bottom 'covering' her.

I still sat there in Kaguya's top, and in my camo pants.

Finally, to our right was the Stormy Rainmaker, in monk garb instead of his steampunk outfit. A soggy Koakuma stood behind him, smiling awkwardly. She woke up when she sunk with the ship into the water, and flew out; it's not that hard when it's not raining cats and dogs, apparently.

"...What's your name, anyway?" I asked. Stormy Rainmaker definitely wasn't his real name!

He scowled, turning to me. "...You don't need my name... but everyone calls me Stormy because I'm pissed off all the time. You don't need anything else from me."

I nodded… and then posed another question. "About that father thi-"

"You don't need _anything_ else from me." he reiterated, glaring at me.

"Yooo-kay…" I replied, looking away awkwardly.

Reimu tiredly pulled out one of those 'incident resolved' slips.

==== INCIDENT COMPLETE: THE STORMY RAINMAKER'S RAINY-DAY DOWNPOUR ====

One day, it began raining in Gensokyo. Really hard. Like, really, really hard. It didn't stop raining, and Gensokyo began to flood. Water canisters were constantly distributed across Gensokyo, exploding into geysers of water when three moments of undefined length ticked down on their countdowns.

Reimu Hakurei, Sanae Kochiya, and Brad _ eventually assembled themselves on a raft together and traveled around Gensokyo, searching for clues and trying to survive the waves.

They were pointed in the right direction by the efforts of Eirin Yagokoro and Reisen Udonge Inaba, whose experimentation discovered the canisters all came from one source.

Meeting up with the Palanquin, Reimu and company recuperated before setting off to best the incident's antagonist, the Story Rainmaker. Aboard his steampunk vessel, he summoned storms, wrestled control of the weather using unknown devices and magics, and shot the canisters across Gensokyo.

Reimu and company boarded the ship and sank it, defeating the Stormy Rainmaker and shutting down his weather control devices.

The water was then all annihilated by Suika when asked to do so.

Incident resolved by: Reimu Hakurei, Sanae Kochiya, Brad _.

==== INCIDENT COMPLETE: THE STORMY RAINMAKER'S RAINY-DAY DOWNPOUR ====

Reimu nodded, satisfied with her work. "There we go…"

Sanae clapped her hands. "We did it~!"

Stormy brought his head to the dilapidated wooden top of the kotatsu. "I'm a failure…"

Koakuma patted his back. "There, there… at least you're not dead!"

Scowling, Reimu shot her eyes to Koakuma. "Just what the hell did you have to do with anything?"

"Ahah…" Koakuma began to back away… but I got up and ran towards the front door.

"Nope, not gettin' out of this one! Someone, bind her or something!" I shout out.

Sanae stands up, tipping the kotatsu over and causing Stormy to accidentally bend with the table into a very uncomfortable position. "Whah!? Fuck's sake, woman!"

Ignoring him, Sanae runs up to Koakuma excitedly. "Oooh, Kanako-sama was teaching me some new techniques the other day!"

I reach into my sack and pull out the comfy ropes…

Koakuma's eyes widen. "T-those are mine! You were the one who stole them!"

I nod, grinning. "That's what you get for being a troublemaker, missy! Yo, Sanae!"

I tossed the rope to Sanae, who grabbed it, and grinned. "Kanako-sama told me something like this would happen!"

Koakuma looked between the two of us as we approached, and began grinning. "...Nothing you tie me in with that rope will ever hold me! I'm a succubus, don't you- wah!"

And so we pounced.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

That's a funny-looking knot!

"...Okay, I've got to admit, this is impressive…" Koakuma looked around her body in satisfaction. "You should teach me this one sometime."

The ropes were smoothly and intricately woven across her in a pattern I could only describe as snake-like, and the way it was executed only makes me question what the physics behind it were…

Sanae smiled happily. "Nuh-uh… It's a goddess's secret!"

Koakuma rolled her eyes. "Well, no wonder I've never heard of it… Gods've never been my thing…" I figured, her being a succubus and all…

Reimu sat calmly drinking her tea, not bothering to watch the action unfold, instead tiredly running her eyes over the water damage inflicted upon the shrine. She sighed to herself, and put her arms on the kotatsu, before resting her head in her hands.

I lift Koakuma over my shoulders. "Alright, I need to get this naughty devil back to the Scarlet Devil Manor for proper happenings, yo."

Sanae nodded. "Alright!"

Stormy stood suddenly, tipping over the kotatsu again.

Reimu fell with the kotatsu, and Stormy stared at her awkwardly as she lazily lied there, bowled over.

...His gaze shot to us again. "If she's going, I'm going with you."

I nod. "Sure. I'm sure the mansion you kept locked within an undersea bubble for a few days is going to be happy to see the person responsible. We'll even give you the medal of honor!"

He looked at me in disbelief for a few moments… "...R-really?"

"Wadda'ya, fockin' stoopid!?" I shout at him, and start making for the door, Koakuma slung over my shoulder. She wasn't light, to be certain but… I reached into my pocket, and grasped the handle of Quake Maker, and started charging it for a buff…

There we go! My mana was abysmally low right now, but I could carry Koakuma like she was a fluffle!

...Fluffles seem to weigh like, less than a pound anyway.

I exit the front door of the Hakurei shrine, and Stormy walks out after me, intent on following me.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We were marching alongside the misty lake, mud and water caking my shoes as we traversed the water-raptured shore. I held a hand to my face to try and filter out the succubus pheromones, only to mild success...

"Look, if you let me go… I can make it worth your while…" Koakuma trailed off, her tone dropping into a more seductive one.

"You're a succubus. You'd probably eat me by the end of it, if anything." I argued. I knew my stuff!... also, those pheromones aren't gonna be brainwashing me any time soon!

"Ohhh, no no no, I would never do that! Trust me…" Koakuma's voice quickly got sultry again.

I roll my eyes. "Yes, I'll definitely trust you. With all my being, infact, let me untie you right now and we can have heartfelt missionary sex in a mud puddle somewhere."

"...You could at least actually humor me a little, you know. You don't have to be so rude…" Koakuma huffed, apparently offended. "Like, I don't know… tease me a bit? I'm tied up, so I could still give you a-"

"Koa-chan, please, even I'm starting to get sick of this crap!" Stormy replied, getting annoyed. "...I thought I was the only one you'd do those kinds of pervy things to!"

Koakuma smirked. "Honey, I'm a succubus."

Stormy looked irate. "I still don't know what the hell that is!"

"Who are you people?" I questioned, as we came up to the manor's gate…

Meiling stood there, warily looking around the mud-smeared remnants of the brick wall. She turned to see us…

"Hello, friend! I come back with epic dungeon loot!" ...All I had was that stupid orb and this slutty succubus!

"..." Stormy didn't say anything, opting to hide behind me a bit. I also had that idiot accompanying me…

Meiling motioned to the open gate, the metal part apparently entirely missing. "Go right on in. The mistresses are in the library, by the way. The mansion renovation project got a little, uh… sidetracked."

I looked inside to see a trashed pile of wood, carpets, wall fragments, and other things, all caked in mud and plantation.

"...I assume the weather's not been kind." I add.

Meiling chuckles, and turns back to the water-ravaged wall.

"hi friend" …I don't even have words for this thing anymore.

"Freakin'... waaugh!" I yell, running into the gates, heading for the library. Stormy followed behind me awkwardly.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Kicking the door open, all the magi nearby stopped and looked to me in surprise.

"Let me tell you all of a war, where Hell is six feet deep!" I began, storming in with Koakuma slung around my shoulder and Stormy McEdges trailing behind me, nervously glancing at the occupants ahead.

"...I see you found my naughty familiar. I was just about to start looking for her myself, too." Patchouli nodded appreciatively, curiously eying my new pink shirt.

Alice smiled awkwardly, taking note of my curious attire. "I see you made out well in the flooding…"

Marisa whistled. "Lookin' sharp! Is that one of that Kaguya girl's tops? I didn't know you were such a sly dog, ze!"

I chuckled. "It's a long story!... that doesn't involve relationship development, for any of you wondering!"

Giggling, Marisa turned away from me to her other magi friends. "Heheheh… I think he just doesn't want us to know, ze…"

The other two magi didn't bother to comment on the matter… but I can tell they looked vaguely interested, at the least. That better not be a thing!

I walk up to Patchouli. "Here's your freakin' noob, yo." I gently toss Koakuma to her, and she levitates Koakuma into the air before she lands on her.

I walk further into the library, Stormy trying his best to hump my ass to not be noticed by the magicians, to little avail.

"...And who might he be?" Alice inquires, curiously eying the man.

"He looks to be from the buddhists, ze." Marisa adds, noticing his clothes.

Stormy jumps, surprised at being noticed, but plays along… "Y-yeah, I'm one of that uh… that monk's new apprentices! I came from lands afar, willing to train, yes!"

I turn to him, smiling, before looking back at the magic friends. "...This guy is the one who was flooding Gensokyo. No, he's not a buddhist; he doesn't even seem religious, this guy had a big metal ship and was launching those canisters from it."

Instant glares from the magi pierced his soul!

"...You asshole, they didn't need to know!" Stormy glared at me.

I shrugged. "I dunno, yo. I'm friendly."

"...Can I kick his ass, ze? Oh- by the way, how's my house fairing, if you know?" Marisa's suddenly curious as to the state of her stuff-horde.

I paused, thinking of how to break the news to her. "...Wet. We tried saving some of the books, but they're probably in fifty different places around Gensokyo now, and others are at the bottom of the blimey brown… and once it turns to dirt, they'll become literal buried treasure."

Marisa blanched. "...Oh, boy…"

She made for Stormy, cracking her knuckles, when I put a hand up. "Yo, don't kill ol' stormy just yet, I've got funner people to show him to!"

Pausing, Marisa glowered at me impatiently, before grinning. "You're right, ze! Let's go, go go!"

I turned to Alice. "Your home's missing a wall, by the way. Expect leaves and mud."

It was now Alice's turn for her jaw to drop, eyes widening. "W-what… damn. I-I'll tidy it up later, then…" Alice reached for her hair, stroking it, composing herself.

We walked further into the library to find Flandre and Remilia playing a high-speed game of Go Fish.

"Match 3!" Remilia shouted.

"Have a 2!?" Flandre shot a three over to her, Remilia catching it in a blink of an eye.

Remilia shot a two across the table, with enough velocity I'm sure it could have beheaded someone, but Flandre caught it without missing a beat. Remilia didn't even pause to think, either. "Any fours!?"

Flandre nodded, shooting a four back to Remilia, who caught it with ease. "I need a seven!"

Swish! Flandre caught the card.

"Six for a pair!"

Swish! Remilia caught the card.

"Nine!"

Swish! Flandre caught another card.

"Eight for a pair!"

Flandre didn't throw a card. Remilia looked up at her impatiently. "I said… I need that eight to complete my pair!"

Grinning, Flandre looked up from her cards. "Go fish."

"..." Remilia glared daggers at her sister, reaching for a card. "...This isn't even the one I wanted."

I walk up to the table with my buddy Stormy behind me. "Oi, pisanos! It's the Super Mario Brothers Super Show!"

Remilia glances at me. "One good reason why you don't deserve to die right now."

I point to Stormy. "I found the guy behind the incident! With the rain, and things!"

She turns to him. "One good reason why _he_ doesn't deserve to die right now."

I shrug. "I got nothin'!"

Stormy glares at her. "I am a force more powerful than you could ever believe, child... just not at this moment."

...Remilia sat her cards face down on the table. "Come along, you, we're going out back so I can shoot you."

Stormy grinned. "What will a child like you d-oooo~hhh…!" He wheezed out his pain as Remilia retracted her fist from his stomach.

She grabbed him by the back of his collar and started dragging him, sighing. "It's a shame when you have to put a dog down, isn't it, Flandre?"

Flandre nodded. "Sometimes, you have to, though… isn't that right, sis?"

Before Remilia actually made good on killing him, I decided to save his sorry ass! "Before you kill him, be aware that you'd probably piss off the buddhist monks!"

Remilia paused, then dropped him. "Too much work, must play Go Fish." She then returned to the table, and picked her cards back up.

Patchouli floated up to the table, holding Koakuma. "Brad found the pest, by the way."

She turned to Patchouli, then looked at Koakuma. "Go fish, one reason why she doesn't deserve to die right now."

"She's my familiar." Patchouli explained.

"Good." Remilia nodded, looking back to her cards.

"...Ace?" Flandre asked, brow raised.

"Yes."

Swish! Flandre caught the card.

Flandre then put her hand down on the table, having two of every card. "I win!" She stood up and did a little hop.

"..." Remilia closed her eyes and sighed. "...I blame everyone involved."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Marisa and Alice watched curiously as Remilia, Flandre, Stormy, and I all played a game of Go Fish, talking quietly amongst themselves as the action unfolded. As quiet as Marisa could get, anyway, but I didn't focus on what she was saying… because this game of Go Fish was freakin' competitive league shit here!

"Ace for a pair!" Swish! Remilia got it!

"First three." Swish! Flandre caught it, twirling it into her hand.

I looked at my hand warily. "Uhh… fi-"

"Go fish." announced both sisters.

"G-go fish…" Stormy added, delayed.

I reach for the deck, and take a card. A six, huh…

Stormy looks to me. "...Have a four?"

Remilia nods, and shoots the card towards him.

"Oh, shit!" He jumps, knees hitting the table, before landing back into his chair and falling over backwards, the card colliding with his shoulder.

She sighs. "Look, I know you're a human, but this game's not _that_ hard!"

He clumsily gets up and tries to reposition his seat while holding his cards in one hand. Eventually, he sits back down.

…

Flandre resumed. "First six." ...why did they announce their 'first' of a pair anyway? That kinda just made things more predictable…

...Both vampires looked at me.

"Go...fish…?" Stormy added, but they ignored him.

...I suddenly jumped, realizing I had a six, but before I could act, the sisters called me out on it.

"Brad, I know you have a six, give it to me." Flandre demanded.

"Give her the six already!" Remilia yelled.

"Jesus fuck, here!" I tried to toss the card like they did, only for it to spiral away at a ninety degree angle half way.

"...Brad, I know you're a human… but that sucked." Flandre said, getting up to go get the card.

"Indeed." Remilia added.

...Why were vampires such assholes when it came to Go Fish!?

Sakuya popped in. "Your t-"

Remilia grabbed the teacup, downed it in one gulp, and slammed it back on the platter, shattering it.

"Thanks." Remilia replied, intensely shuffling through her cards.

"-ea…" Sakuya finished, staring down at the shattered teacup, sighing, before vanishing again.

"...Seven." Remilia asked.

Flandre rose a brow. "...First or second?"

"Does it matter?" Remilia glared at her.

Flandre shrugged. "That guy has a seven."

"I know that. I'll take his, then." Remilia's glare shifted to him.

"Fine then." Flandre dismissively returned to her cards. I guess Remilia already had two sevens already, then, so…

"J-just take it, here!" Stormy tossed the card franticly, and it fluttered back to him, sliding under the table.

Remilia facepalmed. "Holy...hell… you _amateur_!" She got up, crawled under the table, claimed the card, and returned before Stormy could even think of reaching for it.

He shrugged, figuring she got it, looking through his cards again…

"...Nine, last." Flandre requested, and Remilia sent a card rocketing towards her, which she caught with ease.

My turn! "Hey Remilia, you got a seven?" I grinned.

She froze. "...Why me, specifically?"

"Because you have two sevens and tried to take a third from Flandre earlier." I argued.

Flandre rose a brow, locking her gaze on me, and Remilia was getting pissed.

"H-how would you know that!? You're only a human!" She stood up on her chair, incredulous.

My grin widened. "Because you guys got into a thing of announcing your firsts and lasts, and when you tried getting deceptive with Flandre it made it clear you tried taking a third!"

Fed up, Remilia rose her cards into the air, and slammed them down on the table, causing it to explode into a shrapnel of wood.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We all bowed apologetically in front of Patchouli.

"That table was custom-made, you know…" she sighed.

"Sorry, Patchy…" Remilia huffed.

"S-sorry, Patchy…" Flandre apologized, hands on her tablecloth hat thing.

"I-I wasn't even involved!" Stormy protested, hands in the air.

"I'm fluffy." I added, while still bowing.

We all got up, and Patchouli lightly clunked the two vampires on the head with her tome. "I know you two really get into your Go Fish… but you really shouldn't get so into your Go Fish."

Remilia folded her arms. "Well… a vampire's always got to be on top of their game."

Flandre grinned at her sister. "Sis, you lost last time."

"I-It's luck based, anyway!" Remilia stuttered.

... I really wish I could beat one of them at Go Fish just so I could quote Luxord from Kingdom Hearts 2, and be all like "look who's on top of the game!". That'd be awesome…

Flandre giggled. "You're funny, sis!"

...but I knew I never had a chance of beating these two; they always knew what cards you had!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Now that everyone had calmed down, Remilia was ready to do the questioning and things!

She sat at the table from before, which was lazily repaired with some sort of duct-tape.

"...Koakuma, what the hell has gotten into you?" she began, abruptly eying her incredulously.

"W-well, you see, uhm… He's lying to you! Everything I said is true!" Koakuma stands up, arms on the table.

"Then show me… definitive evidence." Remilia's gaze coldly locked onto Koakuma's

"U-um… well…" Koakuma dug into her pockets…

…

She pulled out a sand-red plant hanger. "This-"

Remilia interjected, "Is like many others in my manor. If I remember correctly, Brad's has been customized since, isn't that true?"

I pull out Swift Brand. "Yo."

Remilia nodded. "There we go. Strike one."

"S-strikes…!?" Koakuma flinched back, looking wounded. "U-uhm…"

She dug into her pockets again…

…

She pulled out a pink potion. "H-he used this on me!"

I rubbed my chin. "...Why is it still unopened, then?" Not a swig was missing!

Koakuma's eyes dropped, and she began looking tired. "...Fuck."

"Strike two." Remilia began glaring.

Koakuma began shaking, reaching into her pockets again. I bet she was thinking something like 'I've gotta make this one count!'

…

Koakuma sighed, and pulled out a condom. "I've got nothing."

"... Well, then… you're going to be on personal errand duty for quite some time…" Remilia licks her lips, glaring down at the succubus.

Stepping back nervously, Koakuma clicks her tongue, looking pressured, and then her eyes flash purple for a moment at Remilia.

"...Do you feel… funny, mistress?" Koakuma grins.

Remilia looks unamused. "...I'm a vampire. That doesn't work on vampires, you twat. We're higher on the food chain."

Koakuma's face drops. "Well, now I know…"

She moved to sit back down, and Remilia looked to the next guest of the hour, Stormy!

"...Your wet antics nearly greatly affected me and my sister. What do you have to say that could possibly redeem yourself?" Remilia glared at him. I swore her eyes were glowing…

"...That I will return with more power and gusto than you could possibly imagine?" Stormy began grinning…

Remilia's expression didn't change. "Good thing you wouldn't be returning, then."

He gulped. "Well, then… I'm sorry?"

The words ringing through the air like sweet candy to her, Remilia slowly began smirking. "Louder."

"I-I'm sorry."

Remilia's smirk faltered. "With conviction."

"I'm sorry! What more do you want from me?"

I saw Sakuya appear from behind the bookshelves to my right, gazing at the scene with a grin of her own.

Remilia's smirk faltered further. "Apologize to your mistress."

He froze. "W-what…?"

Before Remilia could go any further, I stepped in. "Yo, Remilia, this whole induction to servitude thing is cool and all…"

She snapped to me, expression flaring. "What do you want from me at this very moment!?"

I jumped back a bit as her eyes glowed brightly, her anger palpable. "...He's already kinda been claimed by that nun, yo- indicated by those rags of his."

"...Oh, right. Damn." Remilia put her arms on the duct-taped table… which began breaking from the force with which she did so. "...Well, I'll just make him run some errands for me as a temporary servant, then, or something."

Stormy shrugged, satisfied. "Guess I can live with that."

Sighing, Remilia got up and began floating away. "...Why is finding new workers so bloody complicated these days? Claimed by nuns, the very nerve…" she trailed off, vanishing behind the bookshelves.

Me and the two whelps just sat there dumbly. Why was I even here, again? I'm pretty sure she had a question for me, but forgot it in that exchange… I'll just ask her about it later.

Sakuya walked up to me, looking vaguely disappointed. "...I don't think the buddhists would have minded, you know. Maybe it's not too late to change the mistress's mind? You were kidding about them, right? Oh, Brad, you're such a kidder, you…"

My awkward grin becomes slowly more awkward as her little proposal goes on… "You really wanted someone to bully, didn't you?"

She slouched. "Does that make me a bad person?"

I nod. "Yeah, probably."

Sighing, Sakuya vanished.

I turned around to see an uncomfortable Stormy standing behind me.

"...Does anyone care I'm around when they say these things?" he asked, looking at me expectantly.

"Nope." I reply without hesitation.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Marisa was sitting on a pile of books next to Patchouli, who looked at the three of us from across her study desk.

"Alright, now that the mansion renovations have begun again, nobody fit for this task is free…" Patchouli began.

I pointed to Marisa. "She's sitting on books! Is that not free enough?"

Patchouli shakes her head. "She's helping me research these dust devil's affinities and possible origins, among other things. We're doing research to find out more about them, basically."

I nod, satisfied. "Well, alrighty then…"

Sensing no more questions, Patchouli continues, "This task is related, actually. Dusty warriors have set up shop amongst the shelves. It is your job to clear them out, and Brad, you will not go unrewarded for this endeavor. The other two will, however."

I'm sold!

"Really? But what about-" Stormy was denied.

"You are fortunate you were not turned into Remilia's bloodbag, human. Now show your gratitude and _serve_." Patchouli coldly finished.

"Y-yes…" Stormy refused to fight anymore.

Patchouli turned to me. "You get the map, I don't trust the other two not to use it as a condom or something."

"I'm not that bad!" Koakuma shouts indignantly.

"...Well, that's your opinion…" Stormy mutters to himself.

"...He's right, I kinda am…" Koakuma relents, grinning pervertedly.

Patchouli sighs. "Point in case."

I take the map, looking at it with a critical eye!... it was pretty blatant, from this study to somewhere in the upper-right corner of this map, which was to the left of the front door…

I salute. "We'll charge and attack! We'll go to hell and back!"

Patchouli shakes her head. "Please don't. We don't need a tunnel to hell in the corner of the library; I don't have any business down there, anyway…"

I march off, the two chucklefucks reluctantly following behind me…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We were nearing the location on the map… but nothing indicated fluffy activity. Like, at all. The shelves were pretty much same old, same old. Shelfy.

"...We should just double-back and tell mistress we found nothing." Koakuma proposes.

"No." I deny.

"...Can we take a break? My shoes are untied." Stormy proposes.

"You're wearing those buddhist sandal things." I retort.

"Damn it."

We neared the market on the map, and came to a generic clearing, some tables in the area. We actually saw one of the edge walls of the library, which was a shocker. Some water was pooled around due to the previous leakages, but everything seemed generally fine.

"...I think you may have actually been right, Koakuma." I state, looking around. This was _the_ spot on the map, I was dead sure.

"I-I was…?" Koakuma poses, bringing an arm behind her head. "I mean, yeah, I was! I know this library like the back of my-"

Thud, thud thud. The sound of books dropping audibly reached our corner- and it was near.

"...hand." Koakuma reluctantly finished, looking around.

...And suddenly, fluffles popped out!

"Egads!" I exclaimed, readying Swift Brand.

Out from behind shelves popped lines of fluffles, all with random and varied gear equipped. Some seemed to hold magical tomes, and others held bows of wildly different colors. Others had staves, and others had swords!

From under the tables we weren't looking at, swarms of boxing-glove toting fluffles charged out. Those tables were like clown cars- everywhere we looked, fluffles came from out of nowhere!

From over the tops of bookshelves, unarmed fluffles peeped over them, sighting us.

Ropes dropped down from the upper catwalks, fluffles with little splintercell getups dropping down from the ceiling.

The books from the bookshelves started popping out, fluffles crawling out of the gaps.

"...Holy shit." I finished. That's… a metric fuckton of fluffles!

"...Uhm…" Koakuma started to back behind me…

"...Why weren't you assholes this vigorous when I led you!?" Stormy readied his fists for good ol' fisticuffs.

The fluffles all gathered around us, staring… and then all hell broke lose, and it was a complete free-for-all, for whatever reason.

"Oh, crap!" I ducked a barrage of ice-arrows that soared past me. They struck Koakuma, and she froze solid.

"K-Koa-chan!" Stormy exclaimed, beginning to push her ice block to little avail.

"Waaal!" The wails of fluffle boxers were heard as they began beating the everloving shit out of each other, only for more to pop out from under the tables as others died…!

"It's a monster house!" I yelled, desperately swinging Swift Brand at the fluffles that neared me.

I ducked behind Koakuma's frozen figure, and Stormy joined me, a barrage of electric arrows bouncing off it. Rainbow danmaku soared down upon the ice from above, fizzling as it collided with the ice. Boxers started to gradually worked their way behind the ice…

Woosh!

A brief gust of wind from Swift Brand sent the nearing ones soaring into the crowd of boxers, slaying them.

...Wulululululululu…!

I ducked as a flying kick from one of the geared up fluffles soared past me, striking Stormy and bowling him over.

"Aagh, no!" he yelled, rolling onto the floor and desperately trying to defend himself as the splintercell fluffle began wailing on him, its finns berating his face.

"now go to the forums, and cry like the little bitch you are!" the fluffle exclaimed, continuing its assault.

I pulled the fluffle off him, and tossed it to the horde of boxers, watching them devour it whole with their fists. On closer inspection, every kill a fluffle got, it's boxing gloves lit up, and began crackling as they were charged with magical energy, which visibly jolted around the exterior of the gloves…

These were the Killing Gloves of Boxing, and every kill they got charged them with guaranteed critical hits for eight seconds! Oh, crap!

"Get the fuck up!" I shouted at Stormy…

"Thanks, dude…" Stormy thanked me, miraculously recovering and standing up again. Huh…

Woosh! Back you go, boxermania!

We ducked as a wave of green danmaku soared over us.

"Jesus fuck…" I continued to crouch below the ice block. "Stormy, get a table or something, hurry!"

A table pulled up behind us, covering the other edge Stormy couldn't manage. Thumps were heard, fluffles making their lovable assault on it.

I looked at the horde before us, somewhat overwhelmed…

"We're gonna be here awhile." I stated, arrows and danmaku bullets nailing the ice and the table as we huddled in the corner we created, boxers massacring each other around us.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: HANA'S PERSPECTIVE ====

My three new friends and I entered the library! It was apparently a special request by Patchouli-sama, so we had to take this seriously…

"That purple fop better not be driving a hard bargain today… we've been overworked recently." Komi-chan irately stated, stomping along with us.

"On the up side, we could see if that succubus has been up to anything recently…" Koi-chan elbowed Komi-chan pervertedly…

"Shut up, Koi." Komi-chan dismissively replied, agitated.

"G-guys… Patchouli-sama's desk is only ten feet away…" Namori-chan was right! If we kept walking, we'd plow right into it!

"Make me, Komi-chan!" Koi-chan shot back, grinning.

"I'm gonna do more than make you, you sodding orange mist- aaayyy~!" Komi and Koi walked forward into the desk, tipping it over, spilling writing utensils and books on the floor, and falling into Patchouli, who fell backwards as the two fairies landed on her.

Namori and I could only watch awkwardly…

"...You sure you requested the right fairies, ze?" Marisa curiously looked down at the mess.

"...No…" Patchouli-sama wheezed from the floor.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"...The last team I sent hasn't returned due to likely slacking. It's now your job to clear out this section of the library. There will be rewards for the four of you in the end. Good luck in your future endeavors. Have a map." Patchouli ranted off all the facets we needed to know, and handed me a map!

"Why does she get the map!?" Komi-chan roared! So scary…!

"...Because you touch yourself at night." ...D-does she really…?

"...How would you know that?" Komi-chan narrowed her eyes.

Patchouli-sama giggled. "Because pretty much every fairy in this manor does it." ...although she quickly became monotone again. "No, the real reason you don't get the map is because I don't like you, and the four of you are pretty much equally inept anyway."

That was mean, even if it was to Komi-chan!... although I dunno what the last part meant...

"You'd better watch yourself, you purple fop." Komi-chan exchanged a verbal blow with Patchouli.

Koi-chan brought her hands to her mouth. "Oooh~! Shots fired, shots fired!"

Raising a brow, Patchouli had an awkward grin on her face as she stared at Koi-chan. "Where did you even learn such a saying…?"

I don't even know what shots were fired, but I got excited too! I started hopping in place…

Komi-chan turned to me. "Hana, I swear, if you start attacking people after an exact minute and thirty seconds like you did the last time you got that excited, you're being hung on the front gate by your britches. Again."

Suddenly I wasn't so excited anymore…

"Auuu…" I pouted…

…

Komi-chan began to look increasingly frustrated, before she snapped on me. "You have the map! Do the map things already!"

"W-whah!?" I yelped, hastily folding the map open and walking off in a random direction, the others following me. I ended up opening it upside down, but no one will yell at me if I just keep walking somewhere...

Like so, we began to walk forward aimlessly until I worked up the courage to flip the map around and actually read it…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Upper-right corner, upper-right corner…

"Do you even know where the hell we're going!?" Komi-chan hollered behind me, irate.

"Y-yes! At least, now I do!" I reply hastily. Komi-chan is so sca~ry!

Namori comes to my defense! "I-if you scare her, we're g-going to be even more lost!"

… I didn't see what happened behind me, but uhm…

"I will eat you." Komi-chan was angrier than before!

"Oooh~! Nam-chan, Komi-chan has a thing for you~!" Koi-chan giggled, dancing around them.

We continued our eventful bickering, until…

Crreeaaak…

All four of us paused at the sound, slowly ceasing our respective forms of fooling around…

Slam!

"K-Kyeaah!" We all collectively screamed, clinging to each other. Dust bellowed from nearby- a bookshelf had entirely fallen over!

"Waaal!"

The fluffles were here, too! They were enraged!

Up ahead we saw a crowd of fluffles with weapons, all letting loose at something opposite our location. We were surrounded by unarmed, fluffy friends who were tipping bookshelves over in excited tussles!

Slam!

"...Waahh…" Namori-chan let out a half-hearted, delayed yell.

Oh, yeah! "Guys, this is the disturbance Patchouli-sama was talking about! We've gotta stop them!" I exclaimed, bracing my fists…

Fluffle archers and magi turned towards us, and I could almost sense the hostility on their unchanging faces! Kyaaaah!

Komi-chan dove behind a fallen bookshelf, pulling Koi-chan with her. "Idiots, get behind cover, now!"

Snapping out of my shocked state, I grabbed a frozen Namori-chan and proceeded behind one of the standing bookshelves, taking her with me.

A wall of danmaku washed towards us, but the cover forced it all to fizzle out. Arrows of light, ice, and electricity marred the other side of the bookshelf, and a barrage of technicolor bullets of all different sorts of elemental affinities whirled across the room. W-wow…

"Holy shit!" Komi-chan yelled, eyes widening at the display of power.

"D-du~de…" Koi-chan's eyes were wide with awe, her fear dissipating as she watched the messy lightshow erupt from the fluffle attack line.

"I-it's a monster house!" I cried, shivering with Namori-chan behind our bookshelf.

From behind the corners of our cover leapt fluffle with boxing gloves! And out leapt more!... and more!... and more…

They wouldn't stop leaping out from behind cover!

"H-heeelp…!" I weakly wailed, edging near the ending of my own cover as ten boxing glove fluffles filed out single-file towards me…!

"G-get away!" Namori-chan shot a pale blue laser forward, making a gun with her fingers. It bisected all the fluffles, who were skewered by the beam due to their single fire line. They all collapsed into dust as their torsos became one with the laser. Fluffles kept piling out from the cover and into the laser, meeting very prompt ends.

Namori-chan's laser ran out, and they kept coming… how!?

"S-stay back!" Namori-chan fired the pale blue laser forth again, and the process repeated itself…

I looked out of cover for a moment, only to duck behind it again as a barrage of green arrows flew past my head, sickly bubbles left behind that I managed to avoid.

Boxing glove fluffles piled out into the central clearing we had hid from earlier, and started getting mowed down by their archer and magi kin.

Wulululululululu!

"What the fuuu~ck!" I heard Komi-chan roar, dashing across the bookshelves above us, being chased by a legion of fluffles in little hats that lit up with lots of little green circles…

Koi-chan was sending exploding torrents of orange danmaku forward, blowing away legions of the incoming boxers.

Namori-chan began dashing behind other bookshelves, and before I could follow, I got pincered on the way there! In front of me was a boxing glove fluffle, ready to lay down the hurt! "W-waahh…!"

Boosh!

...one of its kin punched it in the face, and destroyed it!...And then its friend destroyed it!... and then…

"Get me the heck outta here!" I yelled, dashing past the violent fluffles, trying to find Namori-chan again...

Vzooom!

A pale blue laser gave away her position, and she saved Komi-chan from the horde of the technical-looking fluffles. The fluffles ended up running into the laser, getting bisected.

One dashed over the laser with a mighty flying kick, and nailed Komi-chan right in the face when she had stood to taunt them.

"Gufah!" Komi-chan! Nooo~!

Namori-chan leapt back, surprised. "K...Komi's in a pickle!"

...What does that even mean!?

...Oh, yeah! I shot forward a spread of cyan bullets, catching the fluffle as it wailed on Komi-chan, destroying it, its hat and gear flying off.

"G-get up…!" I shouted to Komi-chan.

"If I could, I would, you fucking…" Stop being mean, Komi-chan!

Koi-chan dove in, explosions resounding behind her as some bows and staves flew past us. She kneeled next to Komi-chan for a moment. "You don't look too good, buddy…"

"I got kicked in the face! What did you expect!?" Komi-chan yelled from the floor.

"Here, get up!" Koi-chan pulled on her hand, and she was up pretty quickly.

Komi-chan patted her arms a bit, and dusted off her shoulder. "...For some reason that helped more than it should have. Not that I'm complaining."

More boxing glove fluffles trailed after us, and we turned to face them. We were ready for anything, now! Nothing could surprise us anymore!

Slam!

"Kyeaahh!" I screamed!

M-maybe not so much…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: SAKUYA IZAYOI'S PERSPECTIVE ====

...Hahhh…

Finally…

I leaned against the wall in the front foyer of the manor, which we had finally rebuilt… again.

"...Hopefully this one doesn't fall as fast, hmm?" Meiling put her arms on her hips, smirking as she looked around the foyer. I said "we", but mistress had different plans for me during the reconstruction period…

Speaking of, mistress was right in the door to the foyer, grinning widely at me in expectant glee for my demonstration. I'll be sure not to disappoint… "Sakuya, do you have the new maids ready? I've grown… restless."

I smiled. "Indeed, milady." I turned to the double door behind me, and slowly swung it open…

I've recognized these maids as cunning, diligent, and hardworking… as far as fairy maids get, anyway. They were skilled, they were efficient, and they were…

"Just call me lightningbolt!"

"It's time to break some shit!"

"Hey, I've been working on my new drum solo recently…"

...batshit insane.

I stepped up to the one in navy blue armoring, a yellow and navy blue helmet covering her face. Metallic armor covered her, and she had two gloves that sparked and crackled idly, electricity buzzing through her hands.

I felt kind of embarrassed doing this, all of a sudden… "It is a great honor for me, as head maid of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, to promote Hotaru to the position of Chief Tolerance and Systematic Elemental Readjusting Officer, otherwise known as Chief Taser."

The other two clapped half-heartedly, while Meiling whistled and mistress clapped along.

"I'm amped!" Chief Taser held up her gloves, a line of electricity sparking between them. It appears Lady Patchouli's experiments in lightning magic paid off for once… which was quite a surprise to me, all things considered...

I walked over to the next fairy, who wore a hat with piercing emerald lights shining straight forth from where there would normally be eyes, black equipment adorning her entire body. Mistress requested this design after seeing some fluffles use it to attack her back at the fortress she raided, so I did my very best to find the materials to re-create it. It was a blessing that Alice was in the library at that time, or I don't think most of this suit would have been possible…

"Next, we have our new Chief Close Laser Oriented Altercations Officer, with equipment powered by Kappa Energy Reserves. Please welcome Miyako to the team, who we will now refer to as Chief Cloaker for short."

...The clapping was even more lackluster than last time, although Chief Taser's claps produced bright flashes which forced the mistress to shield her eyes...

"Sometimes wishes do come true!" Chief Cloaker cheered, posing with her hands on her hips. Mistress had me train this one particularly intensively in the art of flip-kicking and stealth. She did… alright when it came to stealth, I guess, but she had real talent in acrobatics and flip-kicking things in the teeth, so I passed her. She did far better than the rest of the fairy maids, for certain…

I walked up to the final fairy, whom one might have mistaken for a pile of junk, or one of Lady Patchouli's golem experiments gone awry…

"Who wants a piece of me!?"

...She was covered head-to-toe in mismatched armor parts, black and scarlet paint sloppily slapped on by the little mistress when she wanted to aid in the creation of the design of this one.

Obscuring her face was a solid metal visor with tiny, almost unnoticeable eyeholes only made prominent by the etchings of an X around each eye. A rather crude skull was drawn on the cast-iron visor, giving the fairy a very imposing, towering posture.

"...Last but not least, we have operation Bulky Ultimate Last Line, a new tactic proposed by the mistress herself…" I thought that was a crude name for a tactic, to be honest… but mistress knows best.

Speaking of, mistress laughed haughtily. "This new tactic is going to be the dawn of a new era for this manor, and will discourage further treason against my authority. Only through fear can respect be planted into the hearts of my subjects, as I have learned."

...She says that, but what that little succubus did all but bypassed any physical measures, so I don't think more powerful maids would help regardless.

Mistress stopped speaking, so I continued. "Operation Bulky Ultimate Last Line will be lead by our new Direct Operator of Zaibatsu-Esque Reinforcement. In review: operation B.U.L.L. will be lead by Dozer… and to get this point across to everyone in a timely and efficient manner every time henceforth I wish to name this operation and its leading officer, I will call upon Ganpeki by Bulldozer from now on."

"They'll be up against the wall, and I will be the fucking wall!" Bulldozer banged on her chest. On her back was a scarlet musket with a box attached to it. The box was filled with the mistress's own red magic, allowing Bulldozer to mow down our enemies with extreme prejudice using the mistress's very own power. Lady Patchouli even contributed to make it have its own mana pool so that it could be semi-renewable, but a maid's own mana could refill it too. You'd need way too many fairy maids to make it worth it, though…

Mistress clapped excitedly, but the three pretty much gave up clapping for themselves.

Suddenly, that black-white witch shot in here. I'd have her be target practice, were she not here on business with Lady Patchouli…

"Hey, Sakuya~! Patchy needs you, da ze. Something's up with the dusty freaks in the library, and two strike teams sent to deal with them haven't returned since. We think something funny's up…" Marisa trailed off, looking somewhat perturbed by the prospect of fluffy menaces.

I smirked, and my three new fairy commanders walked up behind me. We began making for the library…

"...Those some new pimped out fairy maids, ze? Lookin' good!" Marisa gave a grin and a big thumbs up…

Bulldozer looks at Marisa, then points at her, and begins yelling. "You can't do anything to me!"

Marisa jumps back, eyes wide from the volume of Bulldozer's voice. "H-holy crap, ze! Could you get any louder…?"

Walking away, Bulldozer does infact increase her volume, forcing me to shield my own ears…

"Don't kill yourself in the meantime, black-white! That honor's mine!"

Bulldozer stomped out the door ahead of us, ripping it open.

"H-hey, I built that!" Meiling rose a hand, protesting, but Bulldozer ignored her.

Taser and Cloaker followed her out, and I trailed behind them. This was going to be interesting…

Marisa rubbed her ears. "W-what the hell's her problem, ze…?"

Sighing, Meiling approached the door, preparing to fix it again...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Make way! Bulldozer in the house!"

"Mukyuu~!" Lady Patchouli jumped at the sudden shout, not noticing the armored wall approaching her desk.

I teleported next to her and sat my hands on her shoulders to calm her down, only to make her jump again.

"M-mukyuu~!" Lady Patchouli turned to me, blanching.

"You wear that shit in your pants proudly, like a badge of honor!" Cloaker shot out from under Lady Patchouli's desk.

"H-hah…" Her jaw twitched and mouth opened, but no words came out.

"Hubabadu! Hababada! Waahhh!" Taser roared, running out from behind a bookshelf, electricity lighting up her entire suit of armor as her voice went wild.

"..." Patchouli's fear of lightning struck the final blow, and she fainted, an alarmed look locked on her face.

I sighed. "...Whoops." Hopefully Lady Patchouli wouldn't be too sore about that one… I bended down and picked up the paper she was holding, presumably for us. It was a map to the upper-right corner of the library, not like I needed it myself… but that's probably where the fluffy disturbance resided.

"I know where to go, follow me, everybody." I announced to my fairy officers, and we began to delve deeper into the library.

...Cloaker paused for a moment, and turned to Lady Patchouli. "...Next time, check your quarters!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 13

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Plant Hanger Master, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic

… but we're not currently following Brad's perspective right now at chapter's end!

PERSPECTIVE HOLDER: Sakuya Izayoi, the Perfect and Elegant Maid.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Silver knives: My stock-standard knives, especially effective against youkai and undead. Holy in nature.

INVENTORY: Crimson Jazz knives: Jagged, incendiary knives made of red and crimson. Mostly identical aside from design, but not as effective against youkai. I think they hate burning alive more than silver, though…

Blue Rhapsody knives: Blue and silver metal are the materials of these knives. They constantly drip, and get everything wet. Fairly useless…

PARTY:

Hotaru, the Taser - Slightly masochistic, yet still sadistic fairy maid who was chosen to take the position of Chief Tolerance and Systematic Elemental Readjusting Officer. Likes to electrocute herself, which was originally a flaw of her suit, but considering she likes it we left it in.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Lightning gloves, developed reluctantly by Lady Patchouli. Wasteful, inefficient and messy enchanted gloves that toss lightning around haphazardly, although it's not like Hotaru minds one bit.

Miyako, the Cloaker - Chief Close Laser Oriented Altercations Officer, with equipment powered by Kappa Energy Reserves. Has a sadistic streak like her sisters-in-arms, but prefers to do things lone-wolf style. Trained by me in stealth and minor take-down martial arts. Meiling probably would have been a better choice for that, but flip-kicking people in the teeth suits Miyako just fine. Known for disappearing and reappearing out of the blue, even without actual cloaking technology- she's just generally elusive in nature.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Flip-kicks to the teeth. They look like they'd hurt.

Ganpeki, the Bulldozer - Operation Bulky Ultimate Last Line is lead by our new Direct Operator of Zaibatsu-Esque Reinforcement, Ganpeki. Violent, sadistic, and cruel to her sisters, she's quite an odd specimen for a fairy maid, to be sure. Often I've had to restrain her for her outcries against the mistress, which she persisted to do even after the crazed fairy incident was over- maybe she just never quite returned to normal… or never was normal to begin with. She's not afraid to crack a few skulls, and seems desensitized to cruelty or violence as a whole. Likes shouting. Really enjoys her new job.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Light Machine Musket, as mistress dubbed it. Distributes harsh bursts of the mistress's own red magic in danmaku form, potent enough to wipe out a wide variety of enemies. Eats mana like no tomorrow, so thankfully Patchouli made it passively absorb ambient mana. Be it fed by fairy life force or charged by time, this thing takes at least a day to fully recharge- although it thankfully has an hour's worth of firing power in it. Mistress herself can charge it instantly, as well- and presumably Lady Patchouli has enough mana to do so too.

INVENTORY: As a backup weapon, Ganpeki brings a bundle of straw with an enchanted sash wrapped around it. When slammed on one's hand, it can act as an impromptu danmaku shotgun. Used to be her primary weapon back when she rebelled against the mistress.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

hello friends

this was a fluffy chapter- and guess what, i didn't go into a coma and/or die!

...the amount of chapters i had on the backburner eventually exceeded the amount of chapters currently published so i was like "uh maybe i should DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT…"

i settled for publishing at the end of chapter 13- and is it me or are cliffhangers almost unavoidable sometimes

hotaru means lightning bug if memory serves correct

ganpeki means rock, so says google translate

miyako means beautiful night child!... kinda fits, i think!

inner details are excluded for now about them! possible rivals to the chucklefucks but i dunno; they serve as the next tier of friks to beat up, although not necessarily will they serve as walls for me all things considered, they'll moreso be opposition for other future prospects… (and incase the reference goes over your head, the three new friks are based off of the specials from PAYDAY 2- and yes i know the recent updates are rubbish... doesn't mean i can't appreciate the mooks!)

the stormy rainmaker wasn't killed like the last space fleas i introduced so he now becomes less of a space flea and more like something relevant to gensokyo! (although i plan for the FLEAS OF FANFIC'S PAST to recur at some point… just don't get your hopes up for anything- this is moreso brainstorming)

more opportunities exist across gensokyo!... also, at some point after this i think i'll remember that one village… i think it was a village anyway- it began wth H, that's what i know for sure. it had like… people, and the man with a MACHINEGUN FOR A HEAD.

...or was that bento-box for a hat…

in any case, stuff!

see you guys in the next fifty hundred thousand hundred feet in the air when i finally make the next incident or so- yeah i made it one incident since i made the incident progression reaaaaalll sloooow and thought it'd be a crime to keep more chapters on the backburner than i have actually published

see everyone next time!

Thanks,

~ A FREAKIN SKOOLATOON


	15. Gensokyo Trial

(in which sakuya leads a roving band of maniacs)

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: SAKUYA IZAYOI'S PERSPECTIVE ====

We proceeded down the bookshelves; it wouldn't be too long until we reached this disturbance…

"Hey, where'd the spook go?" Taser abruptly questioned, looking around. Hmm, Cloaker does seem to have vanished… I assumed she could find her way there, anyhow. It's in her nature, afterall.

Bulldozer threw her bulky, metal-clad arms into the air. "Who the hell cares about some sneaky bastard!? I wanna snap some spines, already! Where the hell's this so-called 'disturbance' at, anyway!?"

I rubbed my temples; her shouting was giving me a headache… "Bulldozer, I'd advise you to at least turn your volume down by ten decibels before I shut off your megaphone receptor entirely."

"You can't do anything to me!" Bulldozer shouted in response. I jumped back, the volume having increased yet again, startling me. Why did the mistress believe a louder unit would be a better unit…?

Crreaaaak…

"We're not alone." I stated plainly. The bookshelf to our right was falling, and I simply stopped time and got out of the way. I pulled the frozen figure of Taser away from the vicinity of the falling bookshelf… but Bulldozer could save herself, I'm sure.

Time resumed.

Slam!

Boom!

Bulldozer stood, about as pissed off as before, in the middle of a hole in the bookshelf, books and wood sliding off her. She had stood and ignored the entire bookshelf falling on her, instead tearing a hole through it by letting it hit her. I see the armor is living up to expectations…

Looking around confused, Taser turned to me. "Time manipulation's freaky… but unique! I'll tell ya, it makes me feel kinda electric…!"

...She really, really loved her electricity. So this was the fairy maid who the little mistress said was always playing with the fuse boxes in the cellar… and probably also why the kitchen needed those electrical buffers so that devices stopped melting down.

Bulldozer stomped out of the shelf, carelessly stamping books and wood into the dust beneath her as she continued forward. Suddenly, wet arrows slammed into her from up ahead, the water splashing off her armor, but she marched on regardless.

"Is that all you've got!?" Bulldozer roared. She drew her arms behind her back, and began drawing her Light Machine Musket…

"H-help!" It was that cyan-haired fairy maid, Hana, was it? Right…

She ran from a horde of boxing glove toting fluffles whom were chasing her down. One of them landed a firm punch to her back, sending her flying into a shelf. She peeled off it, and collapsed to the floor, struggling to stand.

Taser fired up her gloves. "Electroshock therapy, anyone!?" She began towards Hana…

"W-what!?" Hana froze, staring at the crackling gloves in horror.

"Hold your-" I began, but I was too late.

Zapzapzaahp!

...Hana jittered violently. "Y-y-y-y-e-e-e-e~!"

I expected her to explode into magic at any moment… but on the contrary, she seemed to be enjoying it. Taser powered down her gloves…

"Feelin' electric!?" Taser asked, a wide smile on her face.

"Y-yeah… that felt goo~d…" Hana leaned against the bookshelf, a dreamy expression on her face. Was she electric elemental? I thought she would have been ice, considering her color and interests… she was into ice, from what I remember. Peculiar…

Komi and Koi were ahead, dashing across the lines of fluffy archers and mages that stood to resist the Bulldozer.

"Why are there so many!?" Komi yelled, dashing through their offensive line, fluffles turning to gaze at her as she passed.

"D-don't leave me behind! I don't want to be fluff and stuffs!" Koi yelped, dancing around arrows and bullets as she followed Komi.

"Elite Bulldozer! Get outta the way!" Bulldozer roared from her visor, and she took aim with the Light Machine Musket…

Batatatatatatatatat…

The gun itself was actually fairly quiet in comparison to her voice, but I think the actions of it speak louder than words…

Thu-thunk-thu-thwap-thunk-thud-thunk!

The sounds of messy, red danmaku thumping against wood and fluff resounded, the fluffy archers and mages getting torn asunder by scarlet bullets, lasers, and circles of all sizes and shapes. The danmaku had no real consistency to it; it was just a violent spatter of mistress's magic.

"Waaaal!" The sound of progress…

"Elite Taser! Get out of the way!" Namori was pushed aside as she ran by, Taser moving in on some of the… cloaker fluffles? Cloaker-imitating fluffles were closing in on Bulldozer from the sides- I don't think they could actually take her, mind you, but it's good to see them working as a unit…

Zzazazaza...Zaahhp!

"W-w-waa-aal!" The three cloakers rushing in a line were all zapped by a long-range arc of lightning, the electricity flowing through them. It had significantly less potency at range, but was incredibly good at stunning individuals and groups.

Wulululululu…!

I still don't know why Cloaker insisted on that sound device being added to her suit, but it was surprisingly menacing.

Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!

"Did you all miss me!?" Cloaker yelled, pulling out a cast-iron plant hanger she apparently had, and began wailing on the cloaker fluffles, killing and destroying them in the process.

"Voltage administered." Taser announced, looking pleased with herself. She moved to put her hands on her hips… "Hahadadah! Waahhahah!"

I smirked. Despite their debatable competency and sanity, you had to admit they were efficient.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Stormy and I lounged tensely behind the ever-expanding fortress of tables we had constructed. I dubbed it "Bunker Hill" because it was a bunker, the tables pretty much made a hill, and that was a doomed battle.

This was also a doomed battle!

"Door B, get door B, damn it!" Stormy yelled, smacking aside some fluffle boxers precariously with Hydraulic who were breaking a table barricade we made.

"Door what? We need sticky notes! Maybe Patchy can air drop us some gods-be-damned sticky notes some time!" I yelled, moving for the pressured barricade, Swift Brand in hand as archers laid down the law on 'door B'.

It blew open, and boxers rushed in, only to meet Swift Brand.

Woosh!

...Also, a central part of our blockade was the frozen figure of Koakuma. She made a good tank like that!

...Suddenly, a huge wave of scarlet bullets ripped into our blockade, ruining fluffles of all types flying with the barrage of danmaku.

"Fuck me!" Stormy jumped.

"Fuck you!" I jumped!

"Fuck!" roared a loud voice from the source of the violence. Peering through the hole, I saw…

A bulldozer! Oh, shit!

"Oh, shit! Bulldozer!" I pointed, ducking behind the barricade.

"What? They brought a bulldozer!?" Stormy probably was thinking of the _other_ kind of bulldozer… but the message was pretty much the same, either way!

I began for the other end of the fort. "Yeah, they did! We gotta get outta Dodge, son!"

Stormy ran up to me, and we tried to pry 'door A' open, with little avail.

"Come out, and play!" roared the bulldozer, approaching from behind. Who let this thing into the library!?

The bulldozer walked up towards us, and we froze.

"...I was expecting something more mechanical." Stormy stared blankly at the armored figure before us.

"Pardon me, asshole!" roared the bulldozer as it slammed Stormy aside, then punched through 'door A', exiting our table fortress and ready to slaughter more fluffles.

"O-oaahhh…" Stormy groaned from the tables to the left of the door, writhing as he walked off the pain.

I watched the bulldozer walk off into the fluffy horde, before torrents of red danmaku started tearing things apart.

I tilted my head. "...Huh." Bulldozers in Gensokyo, huh? Yeah, I guess after that last update to PAYDAY 2, it really _would_ become a thing of forgotten fantasy...

"That sti~ngs…" whined Stormy, finally having walked off the majority of the pain.

I turn to him, rolling my eyes. "Son, pain is just weakness leaving the body!" ...if you have a dark arm plant hanger like I do!

"Ohh~ you're such a douche…" he wheezed back, still in apparent pain.

I looked around the open gaps in our dome-fort of tables, only to find no more fluffles putting pressure on any of them, all having been cleared out in one pass of the bulldozer.

Seems legit enough! "Let's get outta here, Storms Mcgee! I think the coast is clear!"

"J-just give me a second…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Going on ahead without Storm-meister, I walk past a taser and a cloaker on my way out. Is it me, or did the fairy force get a little more intimidating…?

Coming up to a series of kersmashed bookshelves, I spy a Sakuya!

"Hello, Sakuya!" I wave my arm, grinning. Someone I recognized, if only vaguely!

She looks to me curiously. "Where exactly did you come from?"

I shrug. "I don't even know, yo… it was a manster house!" I exclaimed, my arms raising into the air.

Sighing, she turned away and began walking off. "It seems the disturbance has been settled."

Daawww… I wished Sakuya was more spunky sometimes…

I walk off after her- she was presumably returning to Patchy's study after all, since I assume she kept sending people after we didn't return.

I pass a gaggle of fairy maids- but not just any fairy maids!

"B-Brad-kun!"

Thud!

I've been glomped!

"I haven't seen you in so long!" Ha-chan cheers!

I don't reel from the glomp as much considering fairies are freakin' light. "Hello to you too, Ha-chan!"

Komi scoffed nearby. "Hana, what are you doing!? That's my servant, not yours!"

"...You're a bigger pervert than me, Komi-chan." Koi deadpanned, grinning at her friend.

I laughed. "You're still on about that? I thought I fixed all the perverted intentions when I smashed the-"

Sakuya stops, whirls around, and looks at me.

"...when Sakuya smashed the crystal thingamajig." I finished, giving Sakuya a thumbs up.

She smiles, and turns back around. Freakin', yo…

Komi grins. "You don't know much about fairies then, do you, boy?" she scoffed, before stretching in a suggestive manner...

I put up my hand. "No, I would not like supplementary courses, or infact any courses on fairy anythings. If I wanted those I'd pick out a book… or ask Ha-chan."

At that last one, Komi glared at me, offended. "What!?"

Taking this opportunity to butt in, Namori tried to resolve the conflict! "G-guys, this conversation…!"

I look at Namori, grinning widely. "It's a conversation, sister! Wadda ya want from us!?"

She blanches. "I-I… don't know! Stop looking at me like that…!"

"Brad, stop molesting various fairies. Komi, stop molesting Brad, Ha-ch- I mean, Hana, stop molesting the concept of innocence, and Koi… stop molesting, period. We have a succubus who'll gladly do all of the above for free, thank you." Sakuya snaps, not even turning to stare us down as she rattles off our names.

I fold my arms. "...Spoilsport."

"Hmm?" Sakuya whirls around, smiling at me.

"I called you a freakin' spoiler of sports! You take a soccer ball, put a spoiler on it, and now it's all soggy and rotten on the inside. You don't do that to soccer balls!" I argued, growing increasingly frustrated.

"..." She sighed. "Just… be quiet until we reach Lady Patchouli's study. You can start annoying her then, instead of me."

I refuse to stand down! I began shouting! "No! Kruuhu~sty kraahaa~haab pizza, is the pizza for you and…"

Turning to glare at me, Sakuya narrowed her eyes. "You…"

"Meehee~hehee~heee!" I started jumping on each leg, alternating.

Her left eye twitched. "...You want a pizza? You want a fucking pizza? I'll show you a pizza! I'll show you all a pizza!" Sakuya brandished her silver knives, grinning.

"You done did it, you curly-haired bastard! You broke the chief! Fuck!" Komi yelled, before beginning to fly away.

"O-oh, no!" Namori crouched in a fetal position, resigning herself to pain.

"I'm into many things, but knives are a big no-no!" Koi backs away, holding her arms up defensively.

Sakuya stops time- but for me, I'm not fully frozen!... I mean, Sakuya's still going wa~y too fast for me to do anything productive, but… what the hell caused that?

Time resumed, a barrage of knives nearly striking us all.

"A-ah…" Ha-chan was pinned to a wall, her clothes stuck against the bookshelf with knives. I don't think Patchy'd appreciate knife marks in her books…

Sakuya grabbed me by the shoulders. "You. Boy. What is your place in this manor?"

I smile. "Resident lunatic, trespasser with privileges, and Scarlet Liberator!" I could remember my many weird titles from the end-of-chapter summary!

Scowling, she tossed me to the floor, and knives pinned me down by the clothing. She stared down at me, scowling. "You just don't know when to quit, do you…? I know you have a thing for the mistress, however, considering your past actions, I deem you unfit to reside on this property any longer."

This is gettin' a little scary! "So, what are you going to do about it? Kick me out? I'm pretty sure your mistress owes me one for that whole rainst-"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I sat flat on my ass outside the front gate. I didn't even get my reward from Patchy…!

Stormy was kicked out with me too, for some reason. Poor lad!

"Don't come back. I'll tell mistress you got scared and ran away. Patchouli already knows you fled from the disturbance, and was thoroughly disappointed. I repeat: don't come back… or I'll make sure you don't try to come back." With that, she vanished.

...Is it me, or is she more of a bitch than normal? I don't know why, either, but I could see through her time stop momentarily earlier, even if it didn't give me any time to do anything… though I didn't know how that could even happen.

In any case, if I come back here, I need to be ready to kick some maid ass!

"Well, shit." Stormy declared. "I'm off to find those buddhists. At least they'll feed me… I'm sure Koa-chan will be fine for the time being…"

I shrug. "Don't freakin' die out there yo, I'll try to find a way back in!"

He looks at me, and smirks. "Right, you do that, you suicidal git!" With that, he quickly sprinted off, not like I intended to give chase.

"hi friend"

That had to be the most uttered phrase of this fanfic by this point…

"What's for sale, yo…" Must resist the urge to smuggle the fluffle with me…!

Variety of new things for sale, it seems! The fluffle swiped his fins across the desk, spreading an assortment of goods out for me.

I see that rainbow seizure-inducing plant hanger. Not like I could buy that any time soon!

There was also that headless hooha's plant hanger or whatever it was. It sounded useful from what I remember, but I don't think I could afford it…

A bright blue, faintly glowing plant hanger with crystals and white bits that just screamed 'ice elemental' sat there. Must have!

"You, fluffy with the facey, the price better not be pricy!" I snapped my fingers, looking at both the fluffle and the hanger quickly.

"eighty thousand yen, friend"

...Whelp, that settles that! "Fock you." I dismissively waved my arm at it, walking away. The fluffle kept smiling as I marched off towards the misty lake. Oh, right, it's also the dead of night… shieeeut!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I still had Kaguya's shirt on! I guess Sanae still had my shirt somewhere. Hope that camouflage does her well up on mount monster mash!... I hope she found some pants, too.

Oh, right. I'm halfway across the lake now, Quake Maker ready. I noticed the Misty Lake survived Suika's mass vaporization, for whatever reason.

"Hey… what's a little human like you doing in a place like this? Human village ain't for miles… but you don't look from around these parts, anyway." Generic male youkai! Little do you know I've got a plant hanger… and cannot see well in the dark! Mark my thoughts, however, that if I see your eyes glowing in the dark, you're getting a plant hanger sandwich!

I turn to the direction the voice was coming in, which was behind me. "You, with the face! Show me your amazing youkai magicalness so I can hit you really hard and make you go away!"

I hear a brief chuckle. "W-what kind of a threat is that? Stupid outsider. In any case, you'll make a nice meal. No one will miss an outsider as fresh as you."

...I don't think many people would miss an outsider as present as I've been, anyway, but that's besides the point! "Hah, you're a weak youkai, I bet. I don't think you can even make your eyes _glow_! I mean, what youkai can't do that? Hah, I came here from the outside expecting strong, burly youkai… but all I meet are fairies and wannabes!"

Suddenly, two piercing yellow eyes are in the dark. "The fuck did you just call me!?" Hoo, dayum did they glow! I could even see his torso from here!... the lad's dressed in rags!

Speaking of that lad, he was running towards me quite quickly! Reacting on pure reflex, I jab Quake Maker forward, and somehow the youkai had anticipated a swipe instead of a jab. He brought his arms up to shield his head, only for the hanger to collide with his gut.

"Gufh!" Saliva collided with my face. Eeeuugh!

The youkai reeled back, but recovered quickly, glaring at me.

"You piece of _shit_ …" He was ready to go again!

"I'll teach you to be afraid of quakes!" I yelled, and I resorted to spinning wildly. I couldn't predict his movements, afterall!

The youkai tried to approach me, but became unsure of how to do so. He made an attempt to dash in and grapple me, but mistimed it horribly and ate a Quake Maker to the torso, sending him sprawling.

"Fah!" He rolled away, but quickly stood on two legs again, shrugging off the blow.

I ceased spinning, and grinned at him, reaching into my sack…

He stood there, glaring me down with eyes illuminated like a freakin' tractor trailer's headlights.

"Mangy, useless human…" He was staggering slightly, perhaps worn from the hits he took, but I'm sure a youkai like him was fine. If anything, I just pissed him off… so I was about to do more than that!

"Oh, what, what? You scared?" I taunted, trying to evoke physical violence. Flame Dispenser was now in my hand, and I readied myself...

It worked! "Fuck you!"

Pointing Flame Dispenser outward, I let loose a torrent of flames!

Fwoosh!

"W-what the fuck!?" The youkai stops on a dime as the flames rush out and lick him, and he jumps back at least five feet.

"Little did you know I am a magus!" I exclaimed!... I really wasn't, but you know…

"W-what!? I thought you were…" The youkai was surprised, but not intimidated!

I scoffed. "How did you think the outside world rid itself of youkai? Grand magi like me! Behold!" I stuck my hand out, and summoned a stream of fire, arcing it at… nothing, really. Somewhere in the air! Fuck the air!

"I am a crystal guardian of the seventh sanctum!" Now I was just making shit up!

"...Watch yourself, human. This isn't the outside world, by far. I might not be able to stop you… but I'm sure with that attitude of yours, you're gonna be findin' yourself belly up real soon." With a final glare, the youkai dashed into the night. Heheeey! I didn't totally thrash him, but you know… small victories!

Smiling, I continue down the lakeside… not able to tell up from down because it was so bloody dark! Hold on, idea…

Pocketing all my shit, I pulled out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber!

I aimed it forward, and fired a lemon pellet, which lightly illuminated the night. Barely.

"...This is gonna take a lil doin'..." I awkwardly smile into the darkness.

Pew!

Step, step, step…

Pew!

Step, step… that rock was the- oh, shit! Nevermind, that rock was over there!

Pew!

"What is that, anyway…?" Why must there be people all out at night!? I know you're all youkai, but- right, you sleep during the day… or something. Freakin'...

...I lost my train of thought, and with it, my mental imagery of the stuff ahead!

Pew!

A woman in a white and red dress with distinctly animal ears ducked under it.

"Sorry, youkai person! I'm trying to navigate the shadows, and getting mugged by youkai at night's really not going to help me do that! If you don't mug me and I find you during the day, I'll give you a lifetime's supply worth of tennis rackets or something!" The last thing I need is more pain right now!

"W-what?... Look, where are you trying to go, anyway? The village, the shrine?"

...Huh. Strangely cooperative!... I've got my eyes on her…

"Take me to… your leader…" I trail off, voice getting darker.

"...Eientei it is, then." I feel a hand grasp mine and start pulling me along, and I've little reason but to comply!

...I dunno who this Touhou is, because I haven't delved that deep into the fandom despite my many read fictions! I mean, I know now at the time of writing this but- right fourth wall, no comprende! You saw nothing! Don't sue me, Yukari!

Thus, for awhile, I awkwardly stumbled forward in the dark…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...Alright, here's my plan for beating Sakuya the fuck up and winning my way back into the manor: Collect all of Kaguya's clothing, get time wards if those even exist, and then get Alice to make me a wig of Kaguya's hair for me to hang the time wards in. All I'd need then is like ten cans of Monster and I'd pretty much _be_ Kaguya!

"We're here." I can tell by the illuminations 'n' things!

"Thanks, youkai person! If I see you, you're getting all the war medals and associated things I can give you!" I'd probably never see her again…

"Don't mention it…" With that, she walks off. Youkai can be nice sometimes!

I walk into Eientei, and at the desk is Reisen! She tiredly stares forward, before catching a glimpse of my outfit and rubbing her eyes.

"I'm beginning to think my eyes are getting to _me_ , too…" Reisen tiredly jokes to herself, slouched against the desk.

"I've come for the princess's attire! It's needed for uh, a play! Of Alice's yes!" I grin.

Reisen tiredly stares at me. "You're not a doll."

Screw perception! "Oh, what do you mean? I'm one of Alice's new people dolls!"

"...Eirin's free at the moment, you know. Free enough to look at you, at any rate." Reisen gets up, and starts walking out of the room…

"Hold on, all I need are the pants!" I raise my voice a bit, catching her attention. "Yo, just some pants, and I'll bring you back a souvenir. How's one of Sakuya's knives sound? Her dress? Her entire freakin' wardrobe? How about I just bring you her?" My suggestions got progressively more extreme!

"...I'd like one of her knives, actually. I could use a new throwing knife to play with, and we don't have many knives for actual throwing here in the clinic… and I don't know where I'd find a quality one in Gensokyo. Princess won't miss one of her many pairs, they're all identical anyway…" With that, Reisen walks off…

...I'd play on my 3DS while I waited, but Matt still has it! Freakin'...

I sit on one of those little uncomfortable plastic chairs while I wait…

A short rabbit girl walks by me, and turns to me. "How's life?"

I shrug. "Fluffy."

"Have ya ever wondered what it'd be like to live life as a toon?"

That's a fun question! "...Actually, n-"

She interrupts me! "Well here's yer chance!"

Splat!

A cream pie slamming into my face forces my head to jerk back. It slides off me, leaving my face and hair covered in cream.

Merry laughter is heard down the hall as the rabbit girl runs away. No one else but Tewi Inaba…

...this crap'd take forever to clean out of my hair! I wipe some of the cream off my face and lick it. It was okay, actually! I wish it tasted a little more, I dunno, flavorful? Hmmm…

Reisen enters the room again, holding a pristine pair of Kaguya's red dress bottoms. She takes one look at me, and raises a brow.

"Tewi Inaba showed me what it was like to live life as a toon." I explained.

She nodded. "Right. Well, here's your dress, princess." Setting the dress down on the counter, Reisen pulled up a chair and sat her head down on the counter as well.

"I'm taking a nap. Good night." That's me every school day!

...Oooh! "I'll make sure to bring you some kool-aid from the manor, too!"

"Whatever that is. I don't care. I need sleep." she muttered from the counter, drowsy.

With that, I left Eientei… stopping to throw on Kaguya's trousers in the middle of the lobby, of course. I also stashed my camo pair in my sack!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Now… I'd probably need to come to Alice's place during the day. I don't think she'd make me a wig at like, 3 AM.

"Hey, Kaguya! I thought your beauty sleep was important to… you…" Mokou trailed off, realizing who she was walking up to.

"Mokou, I've found out what happens when I don't get enough beauty sleep! Jesus fuck, Mokou, I am a dead princess!" I whirl to face her, grinning.

"Pfft… Why the hell've you got her pants on? C'mon, you've gotta be doing something. Be honest." Mokou puts her hands on her hips.

"Look, yo…" I back away defensively, raising my hands. "I've got a plan to get myself back into the Scarlet Devil Mansion after the lunatic maid kicked me out for singing about Krusty Krab pizza."

She furrows her brows. "...What? What does that have to do with boning the princess!?"

Facepalming, I groan. "Yo, I didn't bone the princess of dudebro gamers! I had Reisen go steal it mission impossible style 'cause I need to beat up a freakin' time maid!"

"...How are Kaguya's clothes going to help you do that?" She tilts her head, curious.

"Because they give me time resistance yo! I'm gonna be chugging time resistance like no tomorrow!" I grin, giving her a double thumbs-up.

"...Right."

I point at her clothes. "Are those clothes not fire retardant or what? Why are they?"

"They've got wards on them, and the materials are naturally fire resistant too. Doesn't stop my flames from getting to them eventually." Mokou argues.

"Good thing time's not like fire then!" I reply, marching off into the bamboo forest of the lost at four in the morning without a clue where to go.

"...Let me lead you out, at least! I didn't think you were that stupid!" There we go!

"Thanks, Mokou!" I reply cheerfully, still marching forward as Mokou dashed ahead.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Exiting the forest, I was now on the presumed path to the village! Not that it did me much good at night, but I knew to walk dead forward!

"I'd tell you to watch yourself, but most of the youkai will probably mistake you for Kaguya in that getup. The stupid ones, at least." Mokou gives me her words as we part ways.

"Don't worry, yo, I'll just 360 noscope them with my plant hangers!" I respond back, marching down the dark path. There is a light ahead, though… I was gonna check it out!

She snorted. "With phrases like that, you've got her down to a T... Minus the plant hanger part, of course."

I hear her turn back and head back into the bamboo woods as I pace down the path to the light ahead… as it turns out, that light is the fluffle stand!

Walking up to it, there's a person there!

"Uhm…" Rumia stares down at a variety of great swords, hand to her mouth. She tries picking one up, and fails to lift it. "...Heavy…"

I look at the variety of intimidating swords. "...So, what's goin' on here?"

Rumia jumps, not noticing me there. "Ah! You surprised me, mister!"

I point to a huge ice sword. "What the frik is this!"

The fluffles smiles. Freakin', yo. "six million, five hundred thousand, thirty five yen; the Frostmourne greatsword boosts frost spells and abilities! while unable to deal instant death with singular strikes, it can deal freezing for nine turns and randomly casts Absolute Zero between turns! it also randomly casts Triple Icebergs when swung!"

...That sounds freakin' amazing! "...Can I wield it?"

The fluffle shakes its head. "no"

...Shieeeuuut!

Rumia pouts. "I could never afford that…"

I pat her shoulder. "Me neither, kid, me neither…"

...With that exchange out of the way, it was time to head towards the village! I walk off, leaving Rumia to the huge greatswords that apparently were her weapons of choice. I've never known her to wield freakin' super weapons, though… and what the hell was that ice sword? Frostmourne? Wasn't that from World of Woobles or something? Hmmm…

I came up to the gate of the village, which had torches illuminating it.

"H-hey!... Oh, it's the princess… Kagayu, right?"

Kagayu. He was close, you gotta give him that! "Yes~, it is I, the princess Kagayu!" Man, my woman voice sucked… I sounded like a really bad tranny!

"...Go in, I guess…" He looked at me like I grew a second head, but uh… heheheheh!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I think I'll just duck in that Sekabonkadonka's house…

...Oh, right, her name was Sekibanki! I immediately hugged the back roads upon entering the village. I don't freakin' know what time of the month Keine's on!

I eventually come up to Sekibanki's house, only to find her back door open. That's freakin' weird! Like a moth to a night light, I walked up to her door and went inside. The bedroom was empty, so I walked into the open main room…

There was an encounter of sorts here. I think. I don't remember much from that night! Something about candy… I also fell asleep!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I awaken! Sekibanki, baby… you need a guest bed or something! I also feel like last night was a helluva time… even if I could hardly remember anything in my sleep-deprived stupor!

No one's in the house… again. Sekibanki and Matt have both deserted me!

...I unfurl my sack out of Kaguya's skirt. There were lots of pockets on the inside for stashing crap, like 3DSs!

I also just realized how weird that sentence sounded. I make many weird-sounding sentences, actually…

Now that I think of it, I don't have any money for potions, really… which was disappointing, all things considered. I don't even know how many I have left… but it's probably something like one or two. Nyeh.

I know I had like… two health potions left. I think. I'm also rounding these down.

...In any case, it was time to begin my day!

I walk outside Sekibanki's abode, stretching…

"You!"

For fuck's sake!

"Sorry to jet, Keine, but now's not the time for rulers to be shoved up my ass!" I pull out Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber. C'mere, you half-youkai bastard…!

"You're not getting away from me today!" She runs towards me for a charging headbutt, and I parry with Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber.

Boom!

I fly back and away from the impact, and Keine is staggered. Now's my chance!

I pocket Bee-Sheventeen, and with the pain from the blast, I take out my Escape Plan and use it to execute an escape plan!

"See ya!" I yell back, sprinting away at double my normal speed. Keine runs after me… and shit she's fast! That's not fair!

"Not today! Today I'll get you!" Keine roars, gaining speed…

I run down into a back road, and start taking crazy turns, but Keine stays on my ass like a freakin' bull. I eventually run up to a corner, making sure to stop generously before getting to the actual side of the oddly shaped structure…

"Oh, no! A dead end!" I exclaimed. It's not really a dead end, bu~t…

"Surrender!"

I lean as low as I can and start sprinting again until I'm a generous way away from the corner. I fled to the right, and felt Keine's head soar past the back of mine as I dashed off. Good thing I thought to do that stupid looking crouch-esque sprint!

Bam!

Keine's head struck the walling… but she turned and ran towards me flawlessly, not even phased. I still gained a lead on her from that, but… yo…

"Leave me alone already, yo! I don't need a detention from life!" I wonder…

I run past a series of houses, scowling as I see nothing of use behind them. One has a ladder and people up on it working!

I dash onto the ladder and slowly and cautiously climb it. Keine runs up, then looks up at me climbing the ladder, before slowly and cautiously climbing it herself, glaring with hell's fury all the way.

...Thirty seconds or so later, I reach the top, dash across the roof, and slide off the other end onto the floor below, falling a good couple feet.

Thud! My landing was audible, and it hu~rt!

...and if it hurt…

I dash off again, wincing as my legs experience some aches, but I go even faster, now having more speed than Keine. Keine leapt off the roof after me, effortlessly executing the stunt I just pulled without hurting herself because yeah.

With my speed, I dash easily across the square and down one of the main roads, eventually reaching the gate leading down the Hakurei Shrine path. Keine was unable to keep up, and once I rocketed out of the gate she ceased following me entirely.

...Man, I felt like shit, but that was something! I escaped the wrath of education once more!

I turn back to the village far behind me, and stick out my middle finger. "Eat shit, Keine! Wahahaha~h!"

Today was good day!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I passed the Kourindou as I neared the magic forest, and I precariously jumped from roots and rocks, most of the forest floor still mud and mush.

Squish!

I feel my shoe sink into the mud… you know, on second thought…

I take off Kaguya's trousers cautiously and slip them into my sack, then I dive into the mud and dash through it in my undies.

"Liberty!" I roar as I dash through the woods. I see Alice's abode up ahead! I pass some water fairies who were getting chased down by other forest fairies, presumably getting taken vengeance upon by their brethren they betrayed during the great flood.

I walk up onto Alice's rather water-worn porch. Her house looks a lot similar to Marisa's right now!

Knock, knock, knock!

...Creeaaak

"A-at this time? Who…" Alice locks eyes with mine… and then looks down, then shuts the door. Right, undies…

I slip on Kaguya's dress bottoms.

Knock knock! "I'm decent this time, yo!"

...Creeeaaak…

Alice warily looks outside, eyes scanning my figure. "...What the hell are you even wearing?"

"Kaguya's stuff! Yo, listen, I got kicked out of the manor recently…" I begin.

Alice's eyes widen. "Really? How?"

I grin. "Sakuya Izayoi."

She shrugs. "Figures. She'll let you back in in like… a week, or so. I think. That's what Marisa says, anyway."

Not on my watch! "Well, I'm gonna do some sequence breaking!" ...and speaking of, time to make my first legitimately possible request! "You've got a wig like Kaguya's to spare, yo?"

Alice furrows her brows. "What… exactly do you plan on doing?"

"Time resistance. It's a thing." I elaborate.

Nodding slowly, Alice walks into the house, letting me in. "Well, I'm not in possession of a lot right now, but I could quickly spiff up something for you… for a fee or favor, of course."

I swipe out the operating cross. "Can I put it on credit?"

Alice turns around and takes it. "...Hmph, sure. You can get this back in a day… or two. Any complaints or comments on it? Things I could improve?"

"More intelligent enemy tracking, following, and fancy tactics! Possibly varied projectiles, uhhh…" Naming things was hard, okay!?

She puts up her hand. "How much did you even use it?"

I shrug. "A lot, actually. It's saved my ass more than once!"

Looking pleasantly surprised, Alice hums happily. "Alright then… I'll make that wig for you."

A Kaguya doll floats out for reference, and Alice strokes her chin as she stares at it. A long band of faux hair is extended by two Shanghai dolls, and she carefully goes to work on it. Before long, a proper wig is made!

She turns to me. "The price or favor is a requirement because I only have so much of this stuff, you know. Plus, Keine's been getting increasingly on edge, recently. She even accused _me_ of wrongdoing! I'm starting to get a little worried about her…"

Gee, I wonder. "Sounds peculiar!" Not like any of that was my fault!... although a good portion of it was her going insane trying to discipline me. Hmm.

Alice hands me a bald cap. "Lord knows you're going to need that with that… _mess_ of yours."

I smirk, slipping the bald cap on, and then slipping the wig on over it. "...I am a pretty, pretty princess." I state plainly.

Smirking, she turned and began milling about with her dolls. I dunno what exactly she was doing though… "I assume you'll be off, then?"

I nod. "Oh, yeah, try and get a message to me when that doll's done yo, I could use the backup when rampa- I mean… taming Sakuya."

"I don't think that word choice is much better." she deadpans.

Hyonk!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Holding the Escape Plan, I run up the Hakurei Shrine steps furiously, making a constipated face. My legs move at mach 10 but I decide to go up every little step instead of climb two at a time like I usually do.

Reimu stares down at me, hearing my clackity approach. "I didn't know you were into working out, you shut-in you." Hmm?

I stare at Reimu and smile.

"...What's with that smile? Wait…" Reimu looks closer and notices whose face she's looking at. "Brad, what the fuck!?"

I smirk. "I am an imposter! Ooga booga booga!"

Facepalming, she sighs loudly. "I-I don't even…"

I frustratedly pulled down on Kaguya's top again, as if it were to suddenly comply and expand for me. Aaaugh! I had my pants up to my freakin ribs because of this itty bitty shirt! Kaguya, why are you like five feet tall instead of six!? I thought princesses were imposing or something!

...Were they? Sometimes, maybe…

"Did you just come here to show off your cross-dressing fetish or what?" Reimu got to the point!

I nod. "Tha- well, no, and I need time wards!"

Reimu furrows her brows. "Time wards?... I could make those… but what would you even use them for?"

I smirk. "Reasons."

"Not good enough. I'd have to bother to remember how to make those things, you know."

Sighing, I relent. "Alright yo, I need to beat up Sakuya to get back into the manor to get a reward from the resident mage for my hard work."

She stared at me blankly. "You're doomed. There's no chance."

Nodding, I rub my chin. "That I may be… but if I were to disable her primary gimmick, then I might stand some kind of a chance!"

"Resistance doesn't even work that way, I don't think. Byakuren may have said that thing about water… but you know…" she trails off, unsure.

I shrug. "Well, you can sue me if I die. I am in need of all the wardy wards!"

Reluctantly, the shrine maiden walks into the shrine, ready to make some paper wards for the elusive element of time. I had to wonder how you could make wards like those…

I walk in after her, and sit down at the kotatsu. If only I had a laptop, then I'd be like, _the_ Kaguya Houraisan!... also I need a more feminine face… and I don't think Kaguya had blue eyes. Regardless, it can fool people at a glance!

I just realized I also had my sack around my waist like I usually have it… well, no more of that! I take the sack, and stuff it into the insides of my red skirt, stuffing it in one of Kaguya's many pockets. That's too many pockets!... and I liked it!

"Reimu~! I'm here to play, ze! Also, my house has nearly been fully returned to nature!" Hey, Marisa!

I turn to her, and smirk.

She raises a brow. "...You're a unique face to see at the shrine. What're you so giddy about, anyway?"

I shrug, shaking my head, still smirking.

"...You don't need to be so stuck-up, ze. I know I'm supposed to be a commoner and all, but at the very least you could reply!" Marisa stomps the floor in frustration.

I stand slowly and regally…

"Hmm? Kaguya, what're you…" Marisa trails off, awkwardly watching me get up.

I lift the wig. "I am an imposter from High Hrothgar! Don't tell the bunny people!"

Jumping back in surprise, she double-takes. "W-what!? I've been deceived and swindled!"

Reimu walks out with my time wards. "These things are weird. Even I don't really know how these are supposed to work but… apparently one of these exist for every element. They resist time, but can't slow aging or anything… just stops time spells from doing things. To an extent, mind you. There's space ones as well, and hell knows how those work…"

I smile. "Thanks, friend!"

Before I take them, Reimu holds up her hand. "But fi~rst you will need to make a generous donation for me to be able to make charms like these! They're not cheap you know…"

Freakin'... "Look, I'm freakin' broke right now!"

Marisa cuts in. "Yo, just let him borrow it for now, ze! He'll give it back when he's dead!"

I decide to build off that! "Which should be relatively soon!"

Reimu sighs. "Fine, fine, I get it… Just don't do anything stupid, okay?" She hands me the wards.

...I'm not certain where to put these! "Hmmm…"

"They stick to pretty much anything you slap them on. Magic's fun." she elaborates.

"Ah." I slap them onto the pants! "I am now the Mokou wannabe Kaguya!"

Marisa snorts. "So what exactly is this for…?"

"I've gotta beat up a maid, and I'm going to do it very carefully while dressed like Kaguya Houraisan!" I explain the everyday happening!

She nods skeptically. "...Right. Don't let me hold you back, ze."

I start to walk out of the shrine, and wave to the girls as I leave. "I'm off to start a war, yo! I'll be back if I need more things, and if I don't die!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Now, where to go… I've got the clothes, but now I need… perhaps better arms? I've got time, at any rate… and come to think of it, I've not really explored the lake thoroughly!

...Although, one had to wonder where the hell that battleship went when it sunk…

I was at the bottom of the Hakurei shrine steps, and I decided to take a right towards the misty lake. It was times like these I liked to just slow down, admire the scenery, and look at the sky…

...Deep breath…!

...Hah…

...Thunk!

I looked in the direction of the noise, noticing some ants clambering around a strange metallic object…

Nearby, I spotted Wriggle kneeling, watching the ants carry the…

That's the water blaster that guy had! Yo ho ho!

I walk up, and Wriggle stands up, shielding the ants. "Hey, I know what you're about to do! I'm not about to let you disturb these peaceful ants!"

Freakin'... "Can I have that metal, yo?" I ask.

"...You didn't say please." Wriggle pouted, glaring at me.

Son… "...Can I have that metal, yo, please?" I ask nicely.

"...No! The ants need it for a new colony!" She… or he… I couldn't tell, continued glaring at me.

That's it! Flame Di- no, calm down… "...I don't think the ants would appreciate a huge metallic object. Don't they make hills? Out of like, dirt?"

Wriggle nods. "These ones do… but I'm having them bring it to a local metal muncher colony. They need more food badly, and this would feed them for generations!"

…

"It's time to fumigate." I point Flame Dispenser at her.

"W-what does that mean?" Wriggle freezes, staring at me.

Fwoom!

"W-waa~h!" Wriggle flies away, wings and clothes burning.

I walk up to the ants, and pluck the water blaster away from them. It had straps and stuff, but they were all torn, presumably from the fight prior. I'll just stuff it into my sack for now…

The ants slowly crawl towards me, but I jump away. Don't make me burn you, too!

I get back onto the path, and Wriggle flies overhead, still burning. "Help! Somebody! Fire!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I reach the lake, and see a steampunk ship of sorts at the middle of the lake.

Oh, boy! I pull out my yin-yang flail-o-copter. Man, how long has it been since I used this? That freakin' weather put it out of commission for a while… but now I could afford to use it again!

I look around the lake, and seeing no one, I begin to spin it up…

...and lift off the floor, making for the steampunk mini-ship of sorts!

Nearing it, I look around the lake a little bit. Water always made me thirsty…

I slow the flail down within moments as I near the ship. I coulda trivialized the last ten sentences or so easily if I just had normal flight abilities!

I land!

Clank!

"Hello friends!" I exclaim.

"A-ah!" A surprised friend! A pair of blue eyes peek out from under a hatch on the deck. It's a cuddle bug…!

I lift the hatch and pluck out the person inside, hugging them.

"U-uhm… would you mind letting me go?" Nitori asks, uncomfortable with the grasp.

I let her go, and her eyes boggle as she gets a good look at me.

"H-houraisan? What are you doing out at the…"

Lifting the wig…

"...Okay, you got me. I'm not even gonna ask…" Nitori moves to climb back into her vessel…

"Hold up yo, I've got requests!" More imp- I mean, completely possible and mundane requests! This'll be my third and fourth!

"Yes?" Nitori eyes me curiously.

I take out Hydraulic and the water core. "Can I easily combine these?"

Nitori furrows her brows, then takes the two objects out of my hands. She smashes the two together briefly, then moves to get into her ship. "Be out in just a sec, gonna see what my tools inside can do."

Clamp! The hatch closed.

…

...So how 'bout them Gensokyian Fairies? Heard they won the big game last night… you know… the one…

Creeeaak. Why did so many hinges creak here? Did anyone know what oil was?

"Here you go!" Nitori tosses me Hydarulic, which now has the water core melded into one of the inner loops.

"Oh boy, oh boy!" I grin at my new weapon!

"I don't know what it does exactly, but it seems to meld well with the weapon!" Nitori cheerfully adds. "Where'd you find that, anyway? I'd like to see a few more of those…"

I shrug. "They came from those miniature water bombs from the last incident."

She nods her head in realization. "Ahh… I might not find them for some time, then. Thanks anyway, mister…"

I take out the water blaster. "...Any chance I could make this work in my favor? I dunno how to operate it, and I also need some new straps on it!"

Nitori takes the water blaster in both arms as I hand it off to her. It's almost as big as her! "I-I'll check it out… but it might take awhile. It's not as easy as melding a magic part to a magic part arbitrarily, you know. Well, actually, it usually is, but I need some time to get… acquainted with it. Could you come back later today? I won't be long, promise!"

All these freakin time constraints! "Alright, yo. See ya later, and thanks again!"

Nitori smiles. "No problem! Science is my middle name!... well, it'd be cool if it was, but…"

As she trailed off, I spun up my flail and took off to the skies!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I stood at the lakeside of Misty Lake, eager to test my new skills!

I stood in place punching the air, even though I don't appreciate hand-to-hand much here in Gensokyo… but I was pumped, yo! I was ready to slug a frik!

A sunflower fairy flew into view! Let's beat it the fuck up!

I pulled out Hydraulic, and readied it. I dunno if this'd go well…

"Hey, you! Fairy face! I'm gonna kick your ass!"

The generic, blond-haired fairy's gaze locked on mine. She briefly froze in surprise, then grinned. A yellow orb began charging in the middle of the sunflower, so I began strafing. I was in luck, because she shot a laser which didn't do any tracking!

I pocket my paper time wards; I don't think I needed those exposed to the elements, being paper and all. Into the sack they go until I try my luck with Sakuya!

Chuuu! Another laser slowly shoots towards me as I strafe lazily, fiddling with my pockets.

"Stand still and let me hit you, lady!" Sunflowers always make me wanna stick my face in them and freakin destroy them, yo. They were cuddly.

"Yo ho ho!" I twirled the valve to max, and Hydraulic went full-blast! Kaguya's clothes'd get soggy, but I didn't particularly care. They'd dry!

The sunflower fairy stares at my soggy state and giggles. "You're funny, lady!" Lady? Yo, my voice… do you not have ears!?

Freakin'... I swing Hydraulic, and water splashes all over the nearby grass. I used Splash!... it wasn't very effective!

"Hee hee!" Chuu!... yo, that laser's not hittin' me any time soon…

"Come here and say that to my face, tough fairy!" I called out to her.

She floated closer. "Okay, lady! Have it your way!" She smirked, as if she had gotten an advantage. The laser charged again…

...Well, I had to actually do a dodge-ish motion because it was close, but…

Now!

I swung Hydraulic, but the sunflower fairy jerked herself back in time, managing to only get splashed instead of struck.

"K-Kyaa~h! My clothes…!" She disdainfully looked down at her newly wetted clothes.

I was frustrated I didn't get a hit! "Freakin' noobs!" ...This water core seemed to not do anything! Did it have a spell now, or something? Was it passive like striking? Waahhh…!

Chuu! I dodged the laser-

Chuu!

I felt that one graze my pretty princess locks! Not cool!

The sunflower fairy glared at me, and I channeled magic into the Hydraulic. Hopefully I'm not just wasting mana…!

I swung.

Fwuuuush!

"Kyaaaa~h!"

A small geyser of water erupted from the earth, water shooting the sunflower fairy into the air. In her surprise, she let go of her sunflower, which flew away from her.

Dayum! Not entirely cost-effective, but it's probably the closest thing I have to a real spell! Provided, the geyser was only like five feet tall, but still. It was freakin' cool!

"T-that was mean, surprising me like that…!" The fairy glared at me with tear filled eyes.

"What did you expect? I am, afterall, Kaguya Houraisan, the lunarian princess!" I exclaim, smirking arrogantly.

She froze. "W-w-what!? You're… oh, no! D-don't hurt me!" The cute little sunflower fairy took off, leaving behind her little sunflower.

...I walked up to it, and picked it up. It was probably magical, or something. "Loot drop get!"

...I now realize just how much I need actual spells and things that aren't weapon abilities! Although those kinds'a roots are hard to get away from; making use of tools is what us humans do the best…

...Did Kaguya really have that much of a reputation? I know she's a lunarian princess, but… hmm…

It'd be fun using it to go around abusing local wildlife who can't tell the difference between a man and a woman's voice!... which was probably only sunflower fairies and other assorted hooligans.

In retrospect, I probably could have said I was anyone and gotten relatively the same effect...

By now it was roughly mid day! Hmmm… I double back towards the forest of magic; I wonder if I could buy anything to upgrade my stuffs…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I stand in front of the Kourindou, now realizing just how much of a greedy power-seeking bastard I've become!...

...although let's be honest, when everyone around you's a cut above you, you kinda gotta do whatcha gotta do, yo…

I walk inside, and am un-noticed so far by Rinnosuke! Hyonk!

I carefully and daintily step up to a shelf, and cautiously handle the items… Oh yeah, there was that fuel tank for sale, and also that holy ward thing…

"Can I help you, miss… Houraisan, was it? Hmm… I never thought I'd see a face like yours around here. I've heard much about you, however." Rinnosuke has noticed me!

I turn around. "Hey, stud. Fancy a picnic?"

"..."

I grin widely.

...Rinnosuke picks up his book again and acts like the exchange never happened.

As much as I could use that holy ward or that fuel tank… "Hey, do you have any favors you need doing?"

"No. Not at this moment. Actually, I do have one, and it's that you calmly leave my store and return with appropriate attire." He didn't even look up from his book!

I put my hands up defensively. "Alright, yo, alright, geez!"

I walk out of the Kourindou. That was a hoot!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...How do use sunflower as crafting material!?

I held it in my hands- it was surprisingly resistant to damage for what it was. It even recovered when I bent it a bit! There was no way I was going to Yuuka. She'd probably kill me for having a plucked sunflower on my person…

I was walking back towards the human village, when I thought of a place not yet really explored…

Let us visit the buddhists!

...Speaking of, I was near the human village already. I decide to scope around the outside until I see something like what I'm looking for, and it's the unexplored north-western outer edge of the village that hosts the Myouren Temple, sitting upon a hill outside the walls of it.

More stairs of impending pain! Why must religious sanctums tortur- oh right…

I pull out my yin-yang flail. Take that, stairs!

Like that, I float up the staircase and upon reaching the top, touch down on the stone path way.

Before me I see Stormy and that… girl. The green haired one that sweeps the front all the time? Yeah, that green-haired girl. I didn't remember her name, nor did I think I ever bothered to learn it! Sorry!

"...Why the hell am I sweeping this path anyway? It's already clean!" Stormy protested his new occupation!

"Relax. If Hijiri-san told you to come out here and sweep with me, it must be for good reason. Why don't you just relax and enjoy nature…?" the green-haired girl proposed, calmly sweeping with him.

He scoffed. "Nature? Nature!? Screw nature! I'd rather be at work in a processing plant!"

The girl sighed.

I walked up. "Hehehehyonk!"

Her eyes jerked to me. "W-what… Houraisan? No… your face is wrong."

Stormy snorted. "Become a full-time crossdresser now, or what?"

I nod. "Yup. I'm a very pretty princess, and I like to kiss _all_ the boys."

I received a chuckle!... and quickly he glared at me. "How am I supposed to make fun of you if you just roll with all my jeers!?"

"That's probably the point…" added the green-haired girl. Freakin', what was her name…!?

"You, friend! What's your name?" I abruptly request.

"A-ah? Um… Kyouko." She stuttered, not expecting my attention to shift to her.

"Fine name. You'll make a trusty steed! Onward, we ride!" I run off without her before she processes what I just said.

"Uhm… okay? Wait, what!?" There we go!

Stormy blankly watches me leave, and slowly turns to Kyouko. "...That man is a raging psychopath!"

Kyouko looks at him. "You're no better, mister 'processing plants are better than nature'."

He turns back to his broom, and continues sweeping. "Aahhh, shut up…"

She smiled back.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

On my way in, I pass a brown-haired woman with glasses who pauses and stares at me. "H-Houraisan? What brings you here?"

I turn to her and give a thumbs-up. "I came for a happy meal, with a side of freakin' Buddhism!"

Mamizou's jaw dropped. "...I don't know if I've reached enlightenment or if I've reached sleep deprivation. Maybe both."

I continued past her, walking forward into the temple. Wasn't this place a ship not too long ago…?

I pass Nazrin, who stops to look at me, before minding her own business, not noticing I'm not actually the lunar princess.

I keep going until eventually I find Byakuren chastising the resident nue about something or another.

"Look, I know that man is testing at times, but you must not bring harm upon him for simple attitude issues…" Byakuren sighs.

I walk up, smiling.

"Oh, I didn't see you there… miss Houraisan?" Byakuren double-takes… before noticing my face.

Heheheh… "Is this what it means to be enlightened?" I ask Byakuren with a giddy expression.

Nue's jaw drops. "What the hell…?"

Byakuren sports a heavily conflicted look on her face, before she closes her eyes, sighing again. "Today will be a trying day, I'm sure…"

I take out the sunflower, then I take out Quake Maker. "How do use sunflower as crafting material?" I ask.

Byakuren takes the sunflower and the hanger hammer, and ties the sunflower around the hilt. She holds it into the air, and the shaft glows brightly, the base of the sunflower merging with the shaft.

Handing it back to me, she stares at me with that 'you need to be put on a psyche ward' expression. "There. I'm not even going to ask why you're wearing that… costume, but… please, practice a little discretion... "

No can do! "Nope! Who needs discretion this day and age? Not me, I hate it actually! It's one weird trick! Lunar princesses hate it!" I finish, smiling widely, trying to make Byakuren feel awkward.

...I think it's working! "...Nue, just… let's just go. Are you done here… I-I don't actually know your name, so… Houraisan?" She was actually blushing, for some strange reason!?

I was having a freakin' giggle at how uncomfortable Byakuren was getting! "Why's that, yo? Dude, lunar cycles! Behold the jeweled branch of Hourai!" I pulled out that stick I had attached to that one boot flail back in chapter one. You know that one…!

"...I-I…" Byakuren was uncharacteristically lost for words!

Nue gave her a funny look. "...I've never see you act like this before."

For whatever reason, she looked really flustered and frazzled! "I dunno yo, maybe she's-"

Suddenly, I get grappled into a bear hug by Byakuren! "Woaah!" She presses her face deep into my chest, and breathes deeply.

"W-what the…" I don't even know what to make of this anymore!

"B-Byakuren! What the hell!?" Nue runs up to pry us apart, but Byakuren's too strong! I'm going to be kidnapped by a crazed buddhist! Oh, shit!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Byakuren and I both sat shamefully in front of a statue of the Buddha.

"...Forgive me, for I have sinned…" She bows before it, a crestfallen look on her face.

...While Byakuren wasn't looking, I gave the statue the middle finger. Nue nearly guffawed, but struggled to hold it in.

She sits up, and I retract my middle finger. She turns to me, looking apologetic. "I… think you should change out of that, or leave. I'm sorry, it's not your fault… it's mine."

I nod awkwardly. "Right…"

I get up and begin to leave the temple, eager to test out what that flower might do to help my Quake Maker!... oh, right! Now that I thought about it, I need a new name for the two upgraded hangers, don't I?

Hydraulic will be called… Deep Blue!

Quake Maker will be called… Quake Bloomer!... 'cause it has a pretty lil flower on it!

I walk past Stormy and Kyouko on my way out…

"Had enough buddhism for one day?" Stormy asks, grinning. "You weren't in there for very long, you know…"

I shrug. "Yo, I've got places to go, people to see, asses to kick! I must explore strange new lands and strange new babes!"

Kyouko chuckles. "Pffft… I bet you can't even fight. You're just some Kaguya fanboy, aren't you?"

I hold Quake Bloomer offensively. "Yo ho ho. Time to test my new upgrade!"

She rolls her eyes. "I bet it's nothing."

"You'd probably be right!" I agreed, because when have I ever gotten something spectacular? Aside from that mini geyser, that is…

I channel magic into Quake Bloomer, and I'm aware of two distinct options… and one is far cheaper than the typical buff, so I'll use that! I slam the shaft of Quake Bloomer into the ground, and a magic circle is made around Kyouko.

"U-uhm…" She starts to look a little unsure about her previous decision.

The magic circle looked similar to those the Mighty Oak used back at the Scarlet Devil Mansion, but smaller. Also, I only made one of them…

Fwoo…

The magic seemingly sighed from the circle as hazy magic particles surrounded Kyouko. She wobbled a bit, her balance seemingly lost, and her eyes fluttered for a moment, but she stayed standing.

She yawned. "I-I'm suddenly feeling really tired… and good. That was… actually pretty nice. Huh." She slowly sweeped the floor, smiling to herself.

Hmm… it didn't knock people out, but it made them tired! That'd be helpful!

Lastly… I'd probably need more than two mana potions if I were to challenge Sakuya, but seeing as it's getting a little late in the day, I might just go crash somewhere convenient…

"...Would you mind using that on me, too?" Stormy requested, staring at me vainly. "I wanna sleep. For good."

I grin. "Sure."

Channeling magics…!

Fwoo…

"A-aahh… fuck! It feels like nature!" He began itching his skin like he had a really bad rash. "It stinks! It sti~nks!"

Kyouko wistfully looks towards him. "...I think you're, like, overreacting…"

Happy with the outcome, I march off into the sunset before me…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

In the dead of night I arrive at the Hakurei Shrine, and decide to investigate the interesting dirt-caked rafters underneath it. At the very least, they weren't caked in wet mud anymore!

After a little bit of crawling, I quickly find a drunken oni passed out under the porch. Now I know it's a good sleeping spot! I try to scoot Suika out of the way, but uh… she's a little heavier than at first anticipated!

...By that I mean I can't move her at all. Guess I'll sleep vaguely near her, then!

Aaahh… dirt. Dirt naps, yo. I've gone from carpets, to wood planks, to rafts, to stands… to dirt. Next thing you know, I'll be freakin dead! How's that for a good night's sleep!?... okay I've tuckered myself out now…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

 _I walked up to a little sunflower field, and fluffles were stuffing their faces inside of a few of them. Aww!_

 _I picked up one of the fluffles, and it had a hole instead of a face, and then it attacked me with a vicious lunge of its face. Oh, shi-_

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Hawagh!

Good morning, Gensokyo!

I rolled over and got a face full of dirt. Please, no…

I rolled over the other way, and found a drunk Suika. She was up, and chugging!... did she ever get hang overs?

"Gfaahh… Mornin'..." Suika greeted me. "Fancy meeting you here, Kaguya. Mokou take over the manor or somethin'? If she did, you've got no excuses… but I'm sure Reimu'd let you sta~y!"

...Ah, right. Kaguya disguise… and Suika's kinda hammered. Like usual.

"...Suika, do I sound like a woman?" I ask. If this doesn't tip her off…

"...No, you sound like you had ten gallons of pure A, except without the slur! G'fahahahah!" Suika laughed for a good moment, before calming down. "...So, what rea~lly happened? Mokou make a harem outta your servants or what?"

I don't even wanna know. "Nah, I got sent here because I'm doing five impossible requests for Mokou. It's a bedroom game, you see." ...and the bedroom is all of Gensokyo!

"...Ahh~! Kinky, kinky, kinky! So… when's the sex!?" Suika blurts out with blatant disdain for tactical wording!

"What's going on out here…?" Reimu walks out onto the front porch, rubbing her eyes.

"Kaguya's getting it from _behind_ from Mokou! Come check i~t out!" Suika slurred, excited.

Reimu shot awake instantly. "W-what!? N-no… I don't even hear anything…"

...Curiosity and interest get the better of the Hakurei miko, and she checks under the porch, finding me there instead. She doesn't see my face though… but she knows it's probably me, considering where I am, and considering the following sentence.

"...Brad, did you really have nowhere else to go for the night?" she asked skeptically.

I shake my head. "Nope! I dunno yo, it's ironically warm down here…" It really was, too. No wonder Suika crashed down under here…

She moved away from the porch, sighing. She then re-entered the shrine, not bothering to talk with me any further.

"...Maauuuu…"

...And when did she get there!?

I rolled back over, and instead of rolling far enough to eat dirt, I find Ha-chan between me and one of the porch rafter beam things.

Who put her there!?

Her eyes flutter open, and upon seeing me, she instinctively embraces me despite my appearance. What good is a disguise if everyone knows who you are!?

Suika laughs rambunctiously at the sight. "Kaguya, Kaguya, Kaguya! I didn't think you got it on with the local fairies either~!...You're more of a party person than I thought!"

I very carefully struggle to climb out from under the Hakurei porch, all the while being teased by a hammered oni and glomped by a fairy maid. I eventually make it out with Ha-chan clinging to my back, and I collapse on the grass, sprawled out.

"That's it, back to bed! Good night world!" I exclaim from the floor, giving up. I'm too tired for this shieeeuut!

"No! You've got to get up!" Ha-chan tugs at the back of my pretty pink and white collar.

I try to turn my head as much as I can to see her. "Well, if you got off my back, that'd be swell!"

"...O-oh, sorry…" Ha-chan slid off my back, some limbs still sprawled on me for whatever reason.

I shift into a kneeling position. "Come, child. Tell Houraisan of all your woes. I shall swing my Not-Jeweled Branch of Hourai at you, and amaze you back into health!" I take out that stick again and swing it around.

Ha-chan snorts, but quickly gets serious again. "Brad, it's the chief! She's become a complete slave driver!"

"...What, you mean she wasn't already?" ...because I'm pretty sure she was already.

Ha-chan brings her hands to my chest. I'd say bad touch, but you're cuddly, so you get a free pass! "They're organizing the fairies into camps… Me and a few others even got fired for disobedience!"

I jerk my head back in surprise. "Won't all the fairies just rebel or something?"

She looks unsure. "I-I thought they would, they said they were with us, but… the things she promised them, the chief I mean… We're uh, not very smart, as you might realize…" Ha-chan trailed off.

I nod in acknowledgement. "Ah, bribed most of you, she did… I mean, I wanna beat her the fuck up for kicking me out, but the fairy regiment business… ain't necessarily my business!"

Ha-chan shrugged. "I think if you beat her up you'll accomplish both in the p- what am I saying!? You're going to do what!? She's the chief, Brad! The chief! Chief!" She suddenly panicked!

Suika laid a powerful hand upon both our shoulders. "Aaahh, Kaguya can take 'most anything… and who's this Brad fellow? You gettin' a sex change, Kaguya?...I s'pose that's why you sound like you downed ten tankers of the ol' pure A…"

...That hand _hurts_ , by the way!

"...Actually, the Kaguya I knew was a spineless, aristocratic peice of shi-hehehe~h… but you seem a little more down-to-Earth now!" Suika exclaims after a careful moment of contemplation.

We let Suika think for a little too long, I feel. "...Or a little more down-to-Luna, if you know what I'm sayin', hahahah~!"

Ha-chan looks at me with a very desperate look.

Actually… "Hey, Suika… mind sharing where I might find some... " Well, for one thing, I doubt she'd know where to find time resistance, so uh… "Time resistant stuff?" I asked anyway!

Suika gives me a curious look. "...Oooh~! Getting kinkier, are we? There's probably random artifacts and crap underground… but I'm too lazy to go investi-ma-gate that… You could talk to Kag- oh, wait, that's you… Uhhh…" She puts a hand to her chin, trailing off.

I put a hand up. "Don't hurt yourself, friend." Actually, better plan. I stood up!

"I'm gonna go get even more time wards!" I exclaim, making for the shrine's interior.

I slide the door open and step in, and Reimu's already there waiting for me. "I heard you, and no, it doesn't work that way. Past five wards and everything goes to shit, typically."

Freakin'... "Figures as much…"

I turned to find Ha-chan practically breathing down my shoulder. "T-the chief has those scary refitted maids, too…!"

...Sceeaaary!

"What's Remilia think of this?" I ask. It was a good question!

Ha-chan grimaces. "She thought you just kinda ran off… and the chief kinda validated that claim."

That kinda figures! "Anyone else think I abandoned station?"

She nodded. "Meiling, Patchouli, the little mistress…"

Eheh… wait, didn't I usually run off anyway? The only one who should really be pissed is Patchouli...

"She's also pushing to get the little mistress off of kool-aid. She says it's unhealthy, and high in sugar..." Ha-chan added.

Wait…

 **WHAT**

I whirl to Ha-chan, and grab her by the shoulders. "...She said what!?"

"U-Uhm… she's going to try and get the litt- waah!" Ha-chan wailed as I pushed her away and pumped my arms.

"Oohh, that bitch is going to _pay_!" I roar, getting angry! Raaahhh!

Reimu backs away as I get down with my angrier self!... and then a gohei slams down on my head.

Thwack!

Oof…

I slouch. "Pain…"

Reimu scowls at me. "Getting angry won't help anybody. If you want to have any hope of taking on the maid, you're going to need strategy, and probably numbers."

Ha-chan raised her arm. "Ooo, ooo, ooo!...ooo!"

Sighing, Reimu turned to Ha-chan. "...Yes?"

Engaging hyperdrive! Stars in her eyes, she elaborates. "We could take all the sugar dumplings in the mansion, and-and-"

"I'm sorry I let you speak." Reimu concluded her thought.

"Aauuu…" Ha-chan pouted.

"We're sorry we let her speak, too."

It's Komi and her chucklefucks! They've all got sticks with the white bags with the little red splotches on them!

Koi looked at us. "...This whole 'run away and work it out later' thing, uh… isn't working out."

Namori looked strangely cross at something. "Sunflower fairies suck…"

I shrug. "I dunno, I like to cuddle with the sunflowers. They're broad and sniffable."

The fairies nod in agreement…

"Wait, how would you know that!?" Komi demands.

"I'm fluffy." I elaborate.

"...I see." Her rage was quelled…

Reimu starts to shut the door, urging me outside. "I'm closed for the day unless you pay a subscription to the Hakurei Shrine. Your trial time is up, get out."

I'm pushed out, and she shuts the shrine door.

"...Also, good luck out there." I hear Reimu state from behind the door, before her footsteps made her approach upon the kotatsu audible.

I begin for the stairs. "Follow me, friends!"

Our siege upon the Scarlet Devil Manor begins now!

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

END OF CHAPTER 14

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes due to an upgrade. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. After an enchanted sunflower was tacked on, it gained the ability to allow casting of Gaia Seed.

INVENTORY:

Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Dispenser - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Upgraded to have a nozzle with which the weapon can be utilized as a flame thrower with.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Due to a dark amulet upgrade, it may be used to cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. When highly charged with buffs, the scythe can even inflict instantaneous death upon certain enemies who are not inherently immune to dark elemental things; although it's general consensus that instant death is ineffective against anyone of any real power, as they'd probably resist the effects.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Marks the wielder for death, dropping instant death resistance to zero and forces them to take 25% increased damage from all sources, but Flandre wasn't aware of the negatives when she created it. Different from the dark-elemental hanger in that this converts missing health into pure speed and none into power, and the increased damage isn't as punishing.

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

PARTY:

Komi, the Darkness-Elemental Fairy Maid - Commanding and bossy, she's the leader of the trio of chucklefucks who work at the Scarlet Devil Mansion. Held minor command over others at one point, but since the resolution of a certain incident she seems to be just another one of the many. Has long black hair, but her face looks more snide and domineering.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Dark danmaku that circles around an opponent. Useless if they don't move, but good as support.

Koi, the Explosion-Elemental Fairy Maid - Perverse and playful, she's one of those who still are loyal to Komi. Still notably perverted post-incident. Speculation says she was born because Flandre made one too many things go 'kyuu', and thus the precedence of explosions caused a fairy of the corresponding setting element to appear. Orange hair… looks like Sunny Milk in a way, but taller, and a bit bubbly in a different way...

PRIMARY WEAPON: Slow streams of exploding danmaku bullets, which have scarce danmaku shrapnel. Might aswell be support due to the speed…

Namori, the Water-Elemental Fairy Maid - Shy and timid, she's one of those who are still loyal to Komi. Bold when she feels like it, but is usually just too shy to stand on her own. Blue hair and a face that screams 'loli'! Shorter than her comrades.

PRIMARY WEAPON: A single, pale blue beam which sticks around for awhile. Short in range, but acts as good area denial if used right. Vaguely water elemental. Another support ability…

Hana, the Generic Fairy Maid with a Stalking Fixation - A cyan-haired fairy maid from the Scarlet Devil Mansion with a record for stalking. Can fire small spreads of cyan orbs, and apparently specializes in electrical magics, although her ineptitude in combat abilities doesn't show it most of the time. Probably ranks around the same as the other fairy maids. Timid, but cute!

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

woohoo!

finally got some upgrades, yo

it took time and resources, but i found good stuffs!

pretty sure everyone knows what "rumia's GREAT SWORDS" alludes to… but that wont come for QUITE SOME TIME…

being a human makes me realize just how much humans have to rely on tools, because learning magic is hard and there's not alot else i can do to expand my THIRST FOR BLOOD AND THUNDER without upgrading materialistic tools

no london for the upcoming fight! i don't think london'd be necessary, but rest assured i'll find ways to keep my other allies busy…

in any case, sakuya's not fighting alone either, yo; this is gonna be a trial of ARMIES and WITS…

i dont have the victor planned, and i dunno how GAIA SEED and GEYSER are supposed to save me from twirly knife shenanigans but those are what im countin' on… also, that water blaster nitori has for me will be used aswell, but it only gets a remote few useful skills for right now.

not gonna list them here 'cause SPOOLERS. HYONK.

SPELLS MY GUY CURRENTLY KNOWS:

Fireball

Waterball (in theory)

Fire Stream

Water Stream

Temper (attack buff from quake bloomer)

Gaia Seed (that small earth spell)

Geyser

Flamethrower (flame dispenser's move)

Water… just water (deep blue's enchantment)

as always, see you all next time!... which, as almost always, is gonna be a few seconds after this author's note!


	16. Lord of Edges, but has Many Good Points

(by the way welcome back to MATT'S PERSPECTIVE yo)

I sat at the kitchen table. It was an incredibly dull and mind-numbing experience.

Youmu sat across from me, mixing batter in a bowl… just as she had been doing for the past twenty minutes or so.

…

"batter batter batter batter!" That fluffle sat on the table, still bound, but able to hop around in its loaf-like state.

Youmu glanced up at it before resuming her previous activity.

…

"batter batter batter batter!" It really liked batter.

Again, Youmu glanced at it, and then continued.

…

"batter!" The fluffle leapt from the table and into the bowl as Youmu was stirring it.

"..." She took out the beater and sat it down on the counter, then decided to just stare at the fluffle as it happily sat in the batter. Then, she carefully lifted it out, and placed it back on the table, and picked up the beater again. Like so, she resumed mixing it.

"Lady Yuyuko will never know, nope…" she muttered to herself.

Suddenly, Yuyuko entered the room! "Hello, everyone!"

"Guh-whah!?" Youmu suddenly shot up from the counter and sent the bowl spinning across it as she tore the beater from it. The fluffle was mesmerized by the movement of the bowl, hopping after it.

...I forgot why I even brought that thing with me.

"The weather down in Gensokyo has cleared up, and supplies are running low here!" Yuyuko exclaimed, opening a kitchen cabinet full of snacks. She turned to it, and shut it quickly, opening the mostly barren one right next to it. "...see?"

"Yes, quite. Have fun getting more. Good night." I quickly state before slamming my head onto the table.

Yuyuko pouts at me, before turning to Youmu. "I need more snacks!"

Youmu looks at her somewhat frantically. "I'm already baking you a cake, Yuyuko-sama! It'll be just…"

When she turned to face the bowl, she found that the fluffle flipped it over and was covered in the batter, and most of it was spread across the table.

"im soft" it emphasized.

Youmu's expression fell. "...Nevermind, Yuyuko-sama. The cake never existed. Forget I said anything…"

Yuyuko smiled. "Great! That means you can do some shopping~!"

Youmu furrowed her brows. "R-really, Yuyuko-sama? I mean, I just went shopping for you the other day…"

Pouting, Yuyuko came up close to Youmu. "Ohh, no! Youmu refuses to feed me! Whatever shall I do?..."

"Ah, eh, well…" Youmu fidgeted nervously, unsure of how to respond. "...A-alright! We'll get your snacks!"

Wait, we?

"Oh, great!" Yuyuko cheered, pulling in Youmu for a hug. "I knew I could count on you, Youmu-chan!"

"Y-Yuyuko-sama, please…!"

I raise my head from the table. "Have my ears deceived me or did I hear someone say the word 'we'?" Perhaps my finest chance for escape has just revealed itself!

"Oh, that is indee~d what you heard…" cooed Yukari from a gap, somewhere. She then appeared from under the table, popping out at the opposite side.

This gaping bitch again. Just what I needed…

"Hi~ Yukarin… Is there anything wrong with that request?" Yuyuko smiled in a carefree manner.

Yukari waved her hand dismissively. "Oh, nothing… it's just that I need to put some… precautions in place. Think of it as my own personal… emergency brakes, as it were."

In one fluid motion, she brought out some sort of device from parts unknown beneath the table, and tossed it to Youmu, who scrambled but caught it competently enough.

"Youmu." Yukari locked eyes with her. "That is a device for the explicit use of tracking. It can reveal the location of what it tracks anywhere in Gensokyo. I'm sure you know what I'm referring to, so I needn't say more."

Well that sounded ominously foreboding.

Youmu puts on a brave face. "W-what if I don't feel like using it?"

Yukari's eyes narrow. "I'm sure you'll need to use it."

Yuyuko's smile doesn't falter in the least. "It sure sounds pretty important… I'd do what you need to do, at the very least."

Knowing better than to push forward, Youmu sighed. "Okay…"

I have a pretty good suspicion of what they're talking about; but then again, I'd have to be a complete imbecile to not catch it.

Yukari turned to me. "Have fun, you~! Don't get too wasted out in the village, now!..." She proceeded to lean in towards me. "...and don't do anything that requires… intervention. It would be messy, I assure you."

I smile and wave my hand dismissively. "Ahhh... don't worry about it, I'm as harmless as a snug bug in a rug."

The batter-covered fluffle closed in behind me. "snug bugs!"

Fuck that thing in particular. I grab it and stuff it into the bag again, where it belongs.

Youmu began for the door. "Well… I guess I'll be- wah!" She opened the door, and stepped straight out into gap space.

Yukari looks to me and smiles.

…

"Well?" she asks.

"...Guess I will as well. I'll make sure to bring back souvenirs!" I march towards the gap door, ready for the inevitably disastrous shopping excursion.

I walk towards the gap, "By the way, fuck you!" then dive in.

/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /

I land face-down in some dirt. Climbing up, I find myself in the human village, Youmu ahead of me, apparently waiting for me. It also happened to be the dead of night. Great timing, Yuyuko...

She examines the strange device Yukari gave her. "Hmmm…" The lights on the screen update slowly, but it seems like a crude map of Gensokyo… with two dots; one being white, and the other being red. It looked awfully like a radar… which it probably was.

"I'll figure this thing out later…" Youmu decides, pocketing the radar device.

We walk down the city streets, and enter one of the many restaurants along the side of dirt road.

Inside, we're greeted by a very Italian man.

"One-a-two-a-three, it's-a the chance of-a lifetime!" He spun a wheel as we entered, and it eventually landed on a spot that said "Chance Item".

"Here-a you go!" He takes out a giant hammer. It has a wooden shaft and a giant black cylinder for somatic business inquiries that is about as big as half of me. He drops it on the floor, where it thoroughly embeds itself. I try lifting it, but that proved completely ineffectual.

"Here…" Youmu tried her hand at it, and she only managed to make it budge a bit, failing to pick it up.

"friend, im here!" calls out the fluffle from the bag.

I stare at the bag.

"friend! friend!"

Egh… "What the _hell_ do you want!?"

"culture" it responds with rigorous intent.

"You'll be seeing the culture of Hell soon enough..." I seethed, glaring into the bag.

Youmu stared at it. "I think it wants to try to lift the hammer…"

I stared at her blankly. "You must be joking. It's fluffy."

She walked up to the bag, and took the batter-covered fluffle out, and sat it on the hammer. It smiled.

"im soft"

Meanwhile, the Italian man's jaw dropped. "O-oh, I-a didn't-a realize you were-a family, yes?"

Youmu blinked. "W-what? No, you see…"

I decided to take the following opportunity for multiple reasons… although it was mostly for personal satisfaction. I wrapped my arm around Youmu's shoulder and smiled at the storekeeper. "Yes, one big happy family! This is my wife, Nana; I'm Popo; and this is our lovably retarded son, Gustavus Adolphus!"

The fluffle smiled widely. "gusty adoofs!" It tried, I guess.

The Italian storekeep nodded vigorously. "Yes, yes, I-a see! You get, bulk. Big family-a discount!"

He pulls a string, and suddenly a cornucopia of food falls from above, complete with a vastly oversized turkey and a fruit hat for the fluffle.

"U-um…" Youmu doesn't know exactly what to think of this situation.

I point at the fluffle. "See, You- I mean, Nana? It- he, I meant he… he has your eyes, even!"

It stared at us, one eye blinking out of sync with the other.

Youmu sighed. "I think uh… I think we should get out of here." She bended over and lifted an armful of the food, and we walked out. I made sure to grab the fluffle as we left- lovably retarded son and all.

"Come-a back any time for special super-a family fill up meal!" the man called to us as we left, not even bothering to charge us, probably not even thinking about it.

/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /

Youmu and I were walking down the road to the nearest inn, when two official-looking guards passed us.

One of them paused at the armful of food Youmu was carrying, and came to talk with us. "Hey, where'd you get all that food from?"

I intervened. "Shop down the road. Family discounts, as they called it."

The other guard's head jerked to look at me, and he came up to us aswell. "...Is that so? What did the shop look like? Was it run by a man with a… strange accent?"

I shrug. "Yes. Why exactly do you…"

Before I could finish my sentence, the guards were on their way. "Thanks." was all that came from one of them as they ran off, unsheathing their swords and running in the direction of the store. Peculiar.

… Youmu and I continued down the road to the nearest inn, acting like that never happened.

/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /

I had to ask Youmu if she knew of any candy shops in the village…

We both sat in the inn bedroom at our individual beds, eating some apples in the relative silence that was only broken by the fluffle coos of Gustavus Adolphus the retarded fluffle as it tried to chew on that fruit hat it got from the Italian storekeeper. It was having… marginal success.

I looked over to it to see it having disassembled most of the hat and only managing to eat half a banana. It was having a blast doing it, though. Like a good puzzle, or riddle. Except this was eating, which was supposed to be a basic life process.

The fluffle eventually gave up and started violently rolling in the food, causing Youmu to turn and stare at it.

No moment like the present… "Say, Youmu…"

She looks up at me, vaguely surprised. "Hmm?"

"Do you know of any candy shops in the village?"

She pauses, then shakes her head. "Not particularly."

I shrug. "I suppose I shall just look around, then."

"Alright." Youmu returns to eating her apple, and I walk out the door.

...Youmu suddenly realized something! "Oh, wait!"

She runs to the door and opens it, only to find I was gone.

"...I was supposed to keep an eye on him, wasn't I?..."

The device in her pocket began beeping.

/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /

I walked around the village. Obviously, a candy shop wouldn't just be labeled as such… if there were even any present. Surely…

I paused outside of a big, colorful building that read "Candy" over it with a large, pink neon light. Above it was a neon-yellow light, reading "Golden Grin Casino".

… I don't think that place sold the kind of candy I was looking for.

I continued, passing numerous generic buildings with the most indicative features about them being the occasional sign that happened to be descriptive… but most of the time, it wasn't.

...Also, it was still the middle of the evening, so I think that contributed to the whole "nothing being open" thing. Hmmm…

...I approached a lit house, and walked around the back. I don't know, maybe they had some candy to steal, or something. Money, at the very least.

I walked in through the back door, which was suspiciously open, causing my instincts to already be alert, when suddenly I smelled something that caught my attention…

There was, infact, candy in this very household! I hastily made my way into the house and, rounding the door, I slipped my hand into my scissor pocket and turned to find…

...Sekibanki sitting in her main room with a bowl of peppermint candies. My shoulders slouch. "Oh. You, again."

...We stare at each other awkwardly for a few moments, before she breaks the ice. "...Killing again, or just looting?"

"Looting." I grumble, folding my arms.

"Haven't you the money from before?" She raises a brow.

"All the candy stores are closed." I flatly state.

For a few moments, neither of us trade interactions, before Sekibanki speaks up again.

"...Let me get this straight… you were breaking into people's houses for candy."

"I required the sugary nourishment for my well-being." I confidently lock eyes with her.

"...Sit down. You can stay the night."

That works, I suppose. Suddenly… footsteps from behind me urge me to whirl around. I do so, and I find myself face-to-face…

"Oh. Joy."

...with a raging barbarian.

"Heheey, son! Let's get fluffy…" Brad begins to casually walk towards me in… a woman's dress? What the hell...

"...What the fuck are you wearing?" Were it not for the face, the complete lack of breasts, and the insufferable voice, I might have actually mistaken him for a woman. Also, that shirt hardly fits him.

"Son, I found my inner gender-fluidity! I'm an attack helicopter now!" he exclaims with glee.

"We don't need to resume last time's… discussion... do we?" I dip my hands into my scissor pockets…

He shrugs. "I dunno, son. I've been to fluffy places, and fluffy spaces. I've also seen fluffy faces."

I glare at him with hostility. "You're going to have a fluffy face in a moment."

Laughing, he sits down at the table. "So… what're we havin' for dinner here, peppermints? Mmmm-mmm-mmm! Does a body good!" He rubs his stomach to illustrate his point.

Sekibanki grins. "Well, I was having a late night snack, you see…"

Brad takes one of the peppermints, and sets it down on the table. "Yo, I can eat it up like a pistachio!"

He reached into that sack of his and pulled out what I assumed was the Quake Maker, and held it lightly over the peppermint.

"Yo." he then tapped the peppermint with it, and it exploded into shrapnel, flying across the room. Dust from it was left on the table, along with some crumbs.

...He sheepishly grinned at us. "Rest in pieces, friend."

Sekibanki gave him a concerned stare. "Why?"

He threw his arms up exaggeratedly. "I dunno, Seki baby! I dunno! Somethin's wrong with me, every time I see a man's skull yo, I just gotta, like- boom! Smash it, yo! Doc, c'mon man!"

…

"...Alright. Sure." Sekibanki sighed, shaking her head.

I shook my head, as well. That peppermint went to waste! Speaking of peppermints…

I reached for the bowl, but Sekibanki moved it away with her arm. "No. Mine."

...It's on, now.

I try to reach around her, but she spins around and hugs the bowl. "No."

Seriously?

I back off a bit so she eases off it, then slide around her and try to pry it from her grasp, only to have her stomp on my foot slightly. Sneakers helped, I'll say.

I backed off, putting my hands up. "Fine. You win. I admit defeat..."

She smirked at me. "Good."

… I reached into my pocket and took out my pretty pink scissors. I wait for her to set the bowl down on the counter, but Brad eyes me as I do this, grinning.

"Fox! Are you seriously going to listen to that old monkey!?" Brad suddenly stands up and yells, causing Sekibanki to jump back in surprise.

Now! I tossed my scissorang around the bowl, and drew it back to me. The wire snugly wrapped around the bowl as it returned to me, a few peppermints flying out. Their sacrifice would not be in vain!

Sekibanki looks to the table, and dives for the bowl, but is not fast enough. "Damn it…"

"Wahahaha~!" Brad guffaws, sitting back down. "Fox, get this guy off me!"

Sekibanki glares at him. "Shut up, you…"

I sat in the corner of the room and started shoving peppermints into my mouth. Sweet, sweet sugary goodness!

Brad looked at me, grinning. "...How's it goin' the-"

I glared up at him, cheeks full of peppermints, mumbling muffled profanities as I kept stuffing my mouth full of peppermints.

"Jesus, fuck! I was just askin' a question, yo! Don't gotta be all… hraaaagh! Hnnnnngh! Hoooaaah! Boom, we're the gears of war, son!... what was I talking about again…" Brad put his hand to his chin.

Sekibanki calls it quits. "Alright, that's it. Front door's unlocked, I'm going to bed. My door will be locked. Have fun smashing peppermints or whatever it is you two do."

Click. Sekibanki was retired for the night.

Meanwhile, I felt the sugar coursing through my veins… I could feel it! I could _feel the adrenaline_!... I mean sugar! This isn't healthy at all, but I feel _great_!

My eyes dart around the dimly lit room, taking in the serene lighting, the raving lunatic in a girl's costume, the generic table, and the somewhat bland design of the bowl before me. The bowl was all white but had a little blue trim on the upper edge, with zig-zags and the likes.

Tan, speckle-textured walls, wooden trim near the bottom. Wooden plank flooring. Ceiling appeared to be plaster of some kind.

I looked into the bowl and counted twelve peppermints left. I couldn't fit those ones into my mouth, so I'd finish them off later.

I could see _everything_!

I calmly got up and brought the bowl of peppermints to the table…

"...Wazzap, son." Brad greeted me, relaxing in his chair.

"You should be enlightened to the pleasures of the candy gods." I give him a firm, exaggerated expression.

"...Wha's that s'posed to mean…" he asks, staring at me blankly.

I start chucking peppermints at him, and he starts flailing his arms. "Oh, shit! Jesus, fuck! Not the candy gods! Oh, crap!"

/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /

Aagh… what the hell happened the other night?

I awoke in a daze, slouched up against a wall. "...Oh, right…" My eyes glazed over the shattered peppermint bowl.

I saw Brad in the corner in his crossdresser attire. I'd still like to know how the hell that happened…

I hear a door creak open, and Sekibanki staggers in.

"...I didn't get a single minute of sleep most of the night. Until about an hour ago, there was nothing but banging and shouting. What the fuck are you two?" She blinked drowsily, obviously irritated and short of sleep.

...I sit there contemplating life for a good moment. "Well…" ...I had nothing. One hour of sleep doesn't do a body good…

Sekibanki responds quickly. "You know what? Don't answer, just…"

...Sekibanki shuts her door again, going back to bed, it seems.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. "Hello? Hello!?" That sounded like… Youmu? I suppose she finally learned how to use that radar thing Yukari gave her…

Sekibanki's door slammed open. "Not... One more… Fucking… Noise!" She ran to the front door, and swung it open, Youmu jumping back.

"H-hell-"

"I only got a single hour of fucking sleep last night. I'm in a bad mood, and you're… molesting my door. What do you even want!?" Sekibanki was apparently the type of person to really value their beauty sleep.

Youmu visibly shrunk back at the shouting. "U-uhm… Do you know if a Matt is inside, by chance…?"

Sekibanki's eyes narrow. "I don't know, I don't care, and most importantly… Fuck! I'm going to bed. Get outta here." Sekibanki slams the door, slowly prodding back to her room.

...I suppose I should get out of here, since it's not like my radar blip would just go away because Sekibanki was pissed. I clumsily rise to my feet, and make for her door.

"No. No fucking… smashing hammers and shit in my bedroom!" Sekibanki turned to get daft with me, as it were.

"Too bad. Move." I muttered, charging out of her way and for the door out of the back of the house.

"Fuck! Out, out out!" She dashes after me, and despite me leaving the back of the house, she follows me out, still chasing me.

"Get out of my house!" she roars, despite us being outside the house.

I dash into the back roads of the human village, an angry whatever-the-hell she was on my trail. "Too bad! This is my house now!"

"Hooouse!"

I dashed down the back roads, weaving through villagers who jumped like kangaroos at the slightest brush of contact, reeling back as if a tractor trailer just whirled by them. Paranoia was a common thing here, yes?

"Hoooou~se!" ...I don't think she was helping, either.

After a good few minutes of blindly dashing around, I saw a gate of some sort in the distance. I pursued the gate, and feeling the aches of fatigue set in, I heard the sounds of Sekibanki's shouting closing in on me.

"Hoooouse!"

Let's see if this works…

I whirl around and clock her in the face, her head flying clean off. The villagers around me gasped, most of them freezing in place.

"He-he just… killed that girl!"

"Someone get the guards!"

"What the fuck… Youkai!?"

I think now is the time for running!

The crowd managed to ignore the fact Sekibanki's body was clumsily wandering around for her lost head, instead opting to believe she's just up and dead, even without bloodshed. I don't know what medical school they- oh right, village. Nothing more than their arithmetic, and their P's and Q's. I suppose that explains things.

I neared the gate, and as the guard scrambled forward to stop me, I just threw my arm to the right and he ducked exaggeratedly, as if I were throwing projectiles for whatever reason. I didn't expect that to actually work…

I run up to the gate… and it wasn't open. I ran to the ramp to the side of it, and the guard was already up and pursuing me, but I quickly scaled the ramp, reached the top of the wall, and leapt off the side, keeping a cautious closeness to the wall so I could pace my descent.

Thud!...

...The landing wasn't the most graceful, but I could still walk, so I think I'd be fine. The guards gathered at the wall above, looking down at me as I power-walked as efficiently as I could on the path ahead.

/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /

...I came to the Hakurei Shrine's steps once more. Joyous occasion.

After a long and laborious climb up the steps, I finally reached the top…

"...'Bout time, lad…"

I turned to the source of the voice, finding a loli chugging from a gourd. She had two large horns with ribbons adorning them, and a heavy blush on her face, presumably from the sheer alcohol consumption.

"...A single hour of sugar-comatose induced sleep doesn't leave one well rested." I explain.

She chuckles. "Sugar? If that's all it takes to bring ya down…" She eyes her drink… "Here, try somma the good stuff…" She holds out her gourd, shaking it.

I'd really rather not. "No, thank you. I'm pretty sure if I took a depressant right now, I'd be literally comatose." Sugar crashes are not fun stuff.

She glared at me. "Oi! Now what's that for?...and wha's all that fancy talk about depression? Spirits make you happy, lad! I should know!" she boasts, raising her gourd up high.

Reimu steps out of the shrine. "Suika, what are you shouting about now?"

"Sake is great!" Suika shoves the gourd into her mouth and starts chugging…

...Suddenly, she stops, ripping the gourd out of her mouth, allowing some of the sake to splash around. "Oh, yeah! This boy doesn't even want a drop! I even offered it ta 'em! Ain't that just plain screwed up?"

Suika turns to me, moving the gourd closer to my face, to which I back up from. "C'mon, lad! It makes ya feel goo~d!"

Reimu steps towards us, sighing. "Suika, what did I tell you about forcing people to drink?"

"...It's not forcing if I ask them t-"

"Yes, it is. Especially if you shove it down their throats." Reimu corrects her.

Suika grimaces. "...Well, he wants it! Don't you want your first pint'a the good stuff, lad?"

I shake my head.

"...Baahhh…" Suika rolls her eyes and resumes chugging from her gourd.

Reimu shakes her head. "...You do realize what this means, right?"

Suika raises a brow. "...Free ale?"

Thwack!

She pouts, rubbing the spot where Reimu whacked. "Aye, aye, no more of the 'ol offering business… let's see how you like it when I don't share my sake! Hmph!" Suika folds her arms, whirling to face away from us and stare adamantly into space.

"...So." Reimu turns to me, the debacle apparently officially over. I don't intend to drink, but if I ever do, I don't want my first drink to be dying of alcohol poisoning due to a rambunctious loli drunkard.

"...So." I exchange the small talk!

"...What exactly did you come here for? I know you didn't come just to say hello…" She tilted her head.

I shrug. "I am in dire need of rest and was wondering if I could stay the ni- uh… afternoon." ...Or morning. I didn't really care about the time of day.

She nodded. "Ah. That's fine, I guess. My shrine's a bit… damaged, to say the least. Find a dry plot of wood, and lie on it. Or you could sleep in the puddles or something, if you don't mind it. I don't really care."

That works, I suppose. I walk inside, and immediately lie down on top of the kotatsu board. About as comfortable as a misshapen rock, but it'd do…

Suddenly, I get rolled off the kotatsu. "Anywhere _except_ there, that is. That's mine." Reimu provided.

Figures. "...Can I sleep under it, then?"

She stares at me blankly. "...It's a kotatsu, not a table. Where do you think my legs go? I'm sure Suika would show you some nice rafters under the shrine if you asked her."

...I don't think she's in any mood to give friendly advice, all things considered.

I look around the shrine, seeing dilapidated wood boards and puddles strewn about the floor.

...I know this wasn't going to be remotely productive, but I might as well try it. I walk outside, and walk up to Suika.

"Say, regarding dry places to sleep here…" I begin.

Suika glances at me briefly, before huffing and turning away.

"...I would appreciate it, you know." This went about as well as expected!

"...One condition." Suika turned around, giving me a determined stare.

I think I had an idea… "And what would that be?"

Suika thrusts her gourd outward. "One sip."

...I think I'd still rather not!... but if it's a single sip for some valuable information, I think it's worth it enough.

"Very well." I consent.

Suika looks vaguely surprised, but hides it a moment later. I take the gourd, and take a quick swig…

...Holy shit that burns!

I bend over and spit out what I can, which isn't a lot since I did swallow and all. Ech…

Suika grasps her sides and lets out a hearty laugh. "Hahahah! I dunno what I expected from someone who's never even touched a bottle before, but… I appreciate the attempt, lad. I really do. Yer alright in my book."

I nod my appreciations. I didn't expect things to be that easy… "Well, I suppose it's always healthy to try new things once in awhile." Note to self: avoid sake. It sucks.

She grinned. "I should bring you somma the better stuff and see how you like that… I think you'd actually get into it if I brought you something heavier…"

Let's not! "Oh, no no no… that's alright. Perfectly fine, I assure you."

She waved her arm. "Oh, I insist! Don't get wet feet on me now, boy! This could be how you become a man, you never know!"

...That sentence has multiple connotations to it, and I don't like it. Speaking of wet feet… "That reminds me… isn't there anywhere decent to sleep?"

After blinking for a few moments, she nods. "Yeah! Right uh, this way…"

After a walk around the shrine, we came to a hole in the side of the foundation. It had the faint design of a magic circle in front of the open space, but it dissipated as we neared.

"No water came in there, so I think I'll spend the night there or som'n…" Suika scratched the back of her head. "It's cold all the time, I think. And dark. Kinda soothing, really…"

...Right. I lower to my knees and crawl into the cave, looking around. It was strangely illuminated, and the tunnel extended downward under the shrine. "Where exactly does this lead to, anyway?" I ask.

"Oh… a cave! Didn' I tell ya?" she replied. That's… not quite what I meant, but sure.

"Okay. A cave." I furrowed my brows as we came into a large room. Candles were arranged about, and a large green crystal was stationed in the center of the room. Multiple ofuda were slapped around the room, chains lining the walls, and a pentagram was drawn below the crystal.

"...Just a cave. Like any other." I elaborated.

Suika cheered. "Yeea~h!"

She walked up to the crystal. "I forget what this was… Reimu said it was… what did she say it was…" She put a hand to her chin in reflection.

"...Important? Don't touch it? Stay away?" I guessed. I don't think this was something you just up and poked…

Suika furrows her brows and turns to me. "What? Why'd she tell me something like that? Since when'd this shrine have something tha' important? Last time Reimu gave me instructions like that, it was about her booze!"

I facepalmed. "Well, maybe this is a booze crystal, then. Reimu's booze crystal, so don't touch it."

I chose the absolute worst choice of words for that. "Booze crystal!? Holy crap, Reimu! This is great!" Suika walked up to the large crystal and grabbed it, and then pulled it right out of the pentagram's rather exact positioning. The crystal was bigger than her, even!

Suddenly, all the ofuda fell, the chains came undone, and the light that illuminated the cave went out. The pentagram fizzled out, and all was dark.

"...This is a predicament." I stated. We probably unleashed a horrible eldritch abomination upon Gensokyo, or something, and Yukari'd pop in any second to shout profanities at me about my error.

"Aaahh, I've been through worse…" Suika stated offhandedly. "We'll just punch our way out."

Shattering was heard. "Oops… I don't think that was a real booze crystal anyway. I heard those come in brown, not green."

...They actually exist? If so, why!?

Smashing was heard! "C'mon, lad, follow me…"

I followed the sounds of violence as we traced the tunnel back to the surface, the light from it revealing itself eventually with enough punching… only for Suika to not follow the light and instead tunnel up randomly like a maniac. Eventually, we came out in the floor of the shrine…

Suika shot up from the floor. "He~y!"

Reimu look at her. "...You know what? Tear it up as much as you want, this place needs an overhaul anyway."

Suika beamed. "Do you really mean it, Reimu!?" She began to tear a wall down…

"No! Don't damage it any more than it already is!" Reimu snapped, glaring at Suika.

She tilted her head in confusion. "But I thought ya said… ah, whatever. You're confusing sometimes, Reimu…"

"It's not that I'm confusing, it's that you're simple." Reimu slouched on the kotatsu. Suika and I climbed out of the hole in the floor, and Suika used some of the torn up walling to cover the hole.

"...You know what? I'm going for a walk or something. Don't destroy the entire shrine while I'm out." Reimu got up and walked out, shutting the door behind her.

...Suika pulls out her gourd and starts chugging it.

"So, uh… about that sleeping spot…" I begin again.

Suika slowly finishes drinking, and turns to me, before-

"Bwaa~hp!"

-belching. Classy.

Suika grins at me while I make a dissatisfied face. "...C'mon, that was a good one!"

I shake my head.

Suika rolls her eyes. "Fine, whatever…"

…

"Oh, yeah, sleep! Right, right, right…" Suika finally realized the purpose of our entire conversation.

She turned to the hole. "...I thought that place worked."

As much as I loved sleeping in a broken abomination sealment room, I'd like something less horrifying and doom-provoking. "How about somewhere less… deadly?"

Suika nodded. "Less deadly… less deadly…" She snapped her fingers. "...Well, wait, no… the rafters under the shrine are kinda wet right now… and the floor's kinda all soggy… gaaahhh…"

I fold my arms. How could this shrine have literally nowhere that was hospitable!? Where did the miko sleep, her kotatsu?

Suika shrugged. "Y'know what? I don't think she'd mind this…"

Suika walked up to the kotatsu, before lifting it and pulling me under it by my arm, and setting it back down. "Tell her… well, just don't let her find you under it."

...Quality advice. Truly.

"If dat don't work… I'll find ya somewhere, don't worry… just come to me again if she kicks ya out, 'kay?" With that, she wanders off into other parts of the shrine, likely to get hammered some more.

...That'd probably be relatively soon. Both parts of that sentence, I mean.

In walks some people. Great.

"Time wards… what does he even need time wards for?" Reimu mutters to herself as she walks in and into another room of the shrine.

After a few seconds, I'm forced to dodge to the side as I see a pair of sneakers enter the underside of the kotatsu. Why was Brad here?

"Reimu~! I'm here to play, ze! Also, my house has nearly been fully returned to nature!" That sounded like Marisa entering the room, too. I think ducking under here was a big mistake… damn it, Suika!

"...You're a unique face to see at the shrine. What're you so giddy about, anyway?"

I swear, if Marisa stuck her legs under this thing I'd probably have to become one with the kotatsu top or something.

"...You don't need to be so stuck-up, ze. I know I'm supposed to be a commoner and all, but at the very least you could reply!" Marisa stomps the floor in frustration. At the very least, she wasn't going to be sitting down for awhile at this rate…

The legs are retracted from the underside of the kotatsu, leaving me alone to the warmth of it. That's pleasant, I guess.

"Hmm? Kaguya, what're you…" Marisa trails off awkwardly.

"I am an imposter from High Hrothgar! Don't tell the bunny people!" There's his voice.

I have a feeling I'd be stuck under here awhile. As long as no one was going to show up and actually sit down, I think this might be a good place to collapse of sleep deprivation…

/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /

I awaken to violent prodding.

"I told you not to go under there!" I heard Reimu shout at me, but I tried to ignore the gohei poking me and continue sleeping.

"Hey, Reimu, I've got an idea, ze!" Marisa leaned close to her friend and whispered…

Reimu jerked her head back and glared at her friend. "Wha~t!?"

Marisa laughed heartily. "C'mon! It's not like it'll do any harm, ze!"

"...Fine. If this gets weird, I'm hitting you." Reimu consented to whatever idea Marisa proposed.

Precariously, the kotatsu was placed back over me.

I suddenly felt legs on my back from my lying-face-down-annihilated position.

Am I going to get literally kicked out, or what? If the floor is dry, I don't care.

"...Anything?" Marisa asks her friend.

"He's out cold. Let's just kick him out and be done with it."

Marisa groaned. "Aahhww… alright."

Suddenly, the legs retracted and returned with force, thrusting me out of the kotatsu onto the dry-enough floor. Alright, I'm happy…

"...Just where did you think that was going, anyway?" Reimu furrowed her brows as she stared at her friend.

"Oh, I was just curious…" Marisa trailed off, bringing her arms behind her head.

"...Pervert." Reimu sighed.

Back to sleep!

/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /

I awaken somewhere on the floor. Sitting up, I look around to find only Reimu was seated at the kotatsu.

"Morning." Reimu greeted me. "Or, rather, good evening."

I groggily began to sit up. "...Better than nothing, I guess."

She idly scratched her cheek. "Mmm."

I looked around the shrine and stood, ready to head for the door. "I thank you for your hospitality."

"Sure." Reimu replied dismissively, fatigue presumably setting in from the time of day, which upon opening the door out of the shrine, I discover to be night. Night was a nice time of day… provided, Gensokyian nights were riddled with monstrosities in the shape of little girls, ready to devour my flesh… Kinky.

Suika was seen on the front path of the shrine, drunkenly swaying about as she made for the porch.

"Have a good evening." I offhandedly give her a greeting and start making for the staircase. It should be easier on the way down…

Suika whirled around. "Wha~t? You be leavin' already, boy? C'mere, lemme see ya off the proper Oni way!"

An oni, so that's what she was. It makes sense, although I was expecting someone taller…

She threw her arms in the air and ran down the steps with reckless abandon, leaping down multiple at a time. I followed behind slowly, taking my time. If I tripped and fell down this large flight of rail-less, stone stairs, I don't think I'd have a good time.

I catch up with her at the bottom of the stairway, and she turns to me. "I didn' think ya'd be hittin' tha 'ol dusty trail so early, there… What wha's yer name again…?"

...Only now she started heavily slurring? "Major General Sergeant Shooter Important Sergeant General Master Shooter person."

Suika furrowed her brows and tilted her head. "...You don' mind if I just call ya Bob or Matt or somethin', do ya?"

I shrug. "Matt will do."

She smiled. "Good! Now… where was I…?"

Here we go again…

"You!"

Shi~ng!

Suddenly, Youmu, apparently.

A tree nearby fell down as a long line of light extended from the human village to said tree. Youmu stood on the other side, nimbly sheathing her sword.

"You fell off the radar for a full eight hours! I was looking everywhere for you! Yuyuko-sama's waiting!" Youmu began shouting.

I raise my hand to greet her as if I had just noticed her. "Oh, hey, Nana! Did you remember to bring Gustavus Adolphus?"

Youmu tilted her head. "Who?"

The fluffle poked his head out of the side of the satchel of food she was carrying aside her. "gusty adoofs!"

She shook her head. "That doesn't matter! Yuyuko-sama's going to be so disappointed in the both of us!"

Suika stumbled up to her. "Aaah, yer that… hold on, I got this…" Suika started rubbing her chin, before raising her arms behind her head. "...Aaah, you are~... Yomi!?"

She furrowed her brows. "...No."

"...Youmu?" Suika guessed.

Youmu smiled. "Yes, act-"

I interjected, because that was clearly the wrong answer! "Her name's Nana, actually."

Suika slammed her hand against her forehead. "Aah! Stupid me… I'm not that good with names…"

Youmu glared at me. "Look, we need to go. Right now."

Suika grinned, and clumsily walked up to Youmu. "C'mon, Nana! Stay awhile! You sound like you could use a little som'n som'n for that mood 'a yer's…"

She began flanking Youmu with her approach, gourd at the ready.

Youmu started walking towards me. "I don't have time for that, Suika. Yuyuko-sama is expect- Gufuh!"

Suika had pulled Youmu back and stuffed the gourd into her mouth. "Aaah, a little of the ol' spirits never not done did a body not… good?" She trailed off, staring into the sky as she realized her grammar had taken an unfortunate turn for the worse.

Gulp… Gulp...

"Mmmph! Mmmugh! Mmmm!" Youmu tried shouting, sake running down her nose as she practically drowned in it, as it got forced down.

Gulp… Gulp…

"Mmmph…" Youmu ceased struggling, judgement waning.

Gulp… Gulp… Gulp…

"...Hmm. How'd it go again…" Suika was still working out how grammar worked, absentmindedly staring up at the sky.

Gulp… Gulp… Gulp…

"Oh, right!" Suika tore her gourd away as she realized how to construct the sentence. "Spirits have never not done what they could no further… do…" ...I think it got worse.

...Suika shook her head. "Ah, whatever…" She reeled her head back and chugged from her gourd.

Youmu stumbled out of her grasp, wobbling about. "A-ah… Yu~yuko, sama…"

She promptly collapsed on the dirt path in a blushing mess.

Suika stared at her. "...Wha' happened ta her?"

...As amusing as this was, I ever so slightly felt bad for Youmu's predicament. But in any case, onwards to greener pastures!

"Suffering." I told her.

She paused for a moment, but nodded vigorously after. "I s'pose I'll take her ta Reimu… She oughta know wha' ta do 'bout suffering!"

I walked off towards the misty lake as Suika slung Youmu over her shoulder and carried her up the stone steps, leaping clumsily and merrily the whole way.

/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /

I walked alongside the dark lakeside, taking in the atmosphere. Stars hung in the night sky brightly, illuminating the night.

I took a deep breath. "...What a terrible night to have a curse…" I grinned to myself.

"Is that so~?"

Ah. Her, again.

I turned to find that blonde youkai from before, or at least what I presumed to be her. A large black orb of darkness hung in the air, hovering around in what I assumed as an attempt to look menacing.

"...That is so. It is, infact, a terrible night to have a curse." I assured her.

"Is that so~?"

...That little statement of hers was beginning to irritate me.

I stick my hands in my pockets, ready to draw my scissors as I smirk at the dark orb before me. "Just let your darkness down, and float away… because I don't think I'd be very appetizing." I contemplated being cockier in the moment, but I don't think it'd really matter in this situation.

Giggling was heard from the orb. "You can't trick me, mister! You hurt me last time… and that was mean!"

"Then you had best watch what you eat. If I tried eating knives, I'm sure I'd be bleeding too." I argued.

"Who said I was eating knives? It's fun when it becomes a game!" With that exclamation, a simple red danmaku spread shot from Rumia's dark orb. I had expected a charge, so I was ready to leap aside regardless, but this development was worrisome.

Another wave of red spreadshots flows out towards me, and I run for the trees. I'd have to be an idiot to try and engage in melee combat like this. There's not much I could do in the trees either, but…

I reach into my pocket, and feel my pink scissors. I could try and intercept the danmaku to create gaps for myself…

"Night Sign! Night Bird!"

What was she shouting now? I dove behind a tree to avoid a line of red bullets, when suddenly far thicker waves of blue and cyan orbs flowed past the foliage and tree trunks, making me thankful I was behind cover.

Rumia hovered around haphazardly, beelining towards my position. "I~, can~, smell~, you!"

Scratch that whole 'shoot down the danmaku' idea. I don't think I could do it with this many bullets now...

I felt through my pocket, and felt the unfamiliar pair of incendiary scissors. What exactly could I do with these…?

I took them out and stared at them, the spreads of danmaku getting more intense upon the tree trunk as Rumia neared. "I got you, I got you~!"

I smile widely, allowing my teeth to bare through. "You got me, you got me!" I start slashing at the tree trunk, flames forming where I scratched, even though I was using the blunt of the scissors rather than the blades… since you couldn't really use it like the edges of a knife.

I began to run back as the tree truly lit aflame, the whole side of the bark on my end being engulfed. I dashed to the tree behind it, and repeated the process.

"Hahahaha!" Rumia laughed merrily as she whirled around through the fire. She quickly shot away when she noticed the heat and light being emitted. "A-ah! Where did that come from?"

Thunk, thwack, thwack, thwack. I lit the side of another tree alight, and I dashed through some bushes, chopping at the branches of them with my scissors, lighting them as well.

Before I knew it, the fire was spreading to non-stricken trees and brush.

"W-where'd you go!? Come back!" Rumia shouted as she cautiously hovered a good distance away from the flames, losing my scent in the smoke.

I thought about saying something witty- or laughing- but then realized that it'd be completely counter-intuitive to give her sound to follow. Instead, I dashed in the direction I thought the manor was in, randomly nicking trees and bushes on my way there, a trail of flames following me.

Rumia doubled back to the lake instead, unable to bear the light of the flames. I had successfully avoided becoming a happy meal once more!

/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /

I felt my adrenaline rush die down as I neared the gates of the manor, and I pocketed my fire scissors. Looking behind me, I saw amber lights in the distance- the proof of my work displayed in the Gensokyian night.

I nodded in satisfaction, turning towards the gate and walking up to it.

Meiling stood in front of it, struggling to stay awake.

"Salutations!" I call out, walking towards the gate.

She shot up, "Huh-whah!? Oh, right…" and locked eyes with me. "...Do you have any business here?"

I nod. "Of course. Is it not visiting hours?" I assumed this manor had visiting hours.

She nodded. "Well, technically the night is the proper visiting time… but you're pretty much the only person who's bothered to arrive in the dead of night before. Well, last person to _peacefully_ arrive in the night, that is."

I smile. "I suppose I'll just be inside, then."

Meiling sticks a hand up. "Just be careful in there, alright? Not only is the manor in a state of, uh… disrepair, we've kinda also got a new training program in place for the maids. It's kinda… intense. That's how I would describe it."

I shrug. "Sure."

...She tilts her head. "...Did you get all that?"

"Sure."

She sighs. "Go right ahead, then…"

The gate folds open, and I walk inside, admiring what I could of the gothic architecture. It was in… about the same shape as the last time I was here, except with more water.

Looking around and finding no one, I decide to walk up to the mansion's doors and open them.

Creeee~aaak…

Considering these doors were just built, that was either intentional or really poorly constructed.

"Is that clear!?" I hear a woman yelling, and upon closer inspection, that woman is Sakuya.

"Y-yes, mam!"

"Clear as roger, I-I mean…"

"Sure, whatever."

Sakuya stared at the three stooges, before turning to three far more decorated people, whom I doubted were fairies at first, but considering some of them have wings…

"Why can't you three fuck ups be more like these higher in command? And you…" Sakuya locked her eyes on Namori.

"Y-Yes mister roger mam?" She trembled, saluting clumsily.

"If you had remembered to tell people the mansion was on _fucking fire_ …" Sakuya drew some knives.

"I-I'm, so~rry!" Namori bowed, crying.

"Sorry's not good enough!" Sakuya roared, expression flaring as she let loose a messy barrage of knives at the maid.

Pi~chun!

"What-what if that fire had hurt the mistresses!? Huh? What then!?" Sakuya shouted at the two remaining maids.

The 'maid' dressed like a cloaker from PAYDAY 2 tapped Sakuya on the shoulder. "Hey uh, Chiefy?"

Sakuya whirled around. "What!? I'm busy!"

The cloaker pointed at me. "Got eyes on a per- I mean… person. They might be a perp, though. Permission to engage?"

Sakuya froze for a moment, staring at me, before letting out a ragged sigh. "Just… You two."

The two maids perked up as Sakuya mentioned them.

"You're fired. Tell your moron friend she's fired too. I don't even know where Hana is, but tell her she's fired. You're all fucking fired! Get out!" Sakuya flails her arms to the sides, panting.

"F-fine, geez!" Koi makes for the door.

"...loser…" Komi mutters under her breath, causing Sakuya to freeze up and glare at her, but she decided to shake it off instead.

The two fairy maids fluttered out the door solemnly.

"...You there, boy. What business do you have here?" Sakuya narrows her eyes at me, apparently in a foul mood.

"Can I not pay the library a visit during visiting hours?" I state, raising a brow.

Her expression doesn't change. "Visiting hours? There's no such thing. Who let you in?"

The cloaker taps her on the shoulder again. "Permission to engage?"

Sakuya sighs. "For the last time, no! If you don't shut up, and let me handle things, the only one who's going to be engaged is you, and that engagement will be with my _knives_!" Sakuya panted at the end of her run-on sentence.

"Jeez, cool it, I get it…" The cloaker backs away.

"It says here in section eight-point-two of the Scarlet Devil Mansion rulebook, that all hours between ten P.M. and eleven A.M. are visiting hours!" booms the fairy dressed like a bulldozer, causing everyone to jump.

Sakuya turns to her abruptly once she recovers from the shock of the bulldozer's voice. "What? Well, what time is it?"

"We don't have _fucking clocks_!" roared the bulldozer. "They all get destroyed!"

Sakuya looked like she was ready to stab someone. "Why… does no one invest in _fucking watches_!?"

"You're up against the clock, and I am the _fucking clock_!" the bulldozer replied.

...I began to walk off as the two began bickering, and the taser-esque and cloaker-esque maids just watch me walk off without protest.

"I don't pay you to spend all your money on… fucking fairy shit!" Sakuya hollers at the bulldozer.

"...We got paid?" The cloaker tilted its head.

The taser turned to Sakuya. "Chief, don't you carry a-"

"What do I carry, huh!? Huh!?" Sakuya gets up in the taser's face.

"...You know what? Nothing. Continue, Chief." The taser grumbled, turning away.

I walked into one of the few standing hallways of the manor, passing a short vampire. She stared into the room with a somewhat concerned expression, ignoring me as I passed her.

...I'm pretty sure Sakuya does indeed carry her own watch on her. Good on her, I guess.

/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /

I walk into the library, taking in the scent of old books and dust. I travel past numerous shelves before I reach the study of a certain magi.

I glanced at Patchouli, who was reading. Beside her was Marisa, who was thumbing through an unlabeled tome.

"This one… this one, this one, this one…" Marisa rambled, focusing on the book.

"Are you certain?" Patchouli inquires, not bothering to glance at her.

"No- well, yes… I mean… Aaagh!" Marisa tosses the book, which Patchouli stops mid-air with levitation.

"...I'd like you to take your frustrations out on yourself, not my books." she sighed.

Marisa folded her arms. "I can't help it! I can't find a single damn thing on those vines popping up everywhere!"

Patchouli looked at her. "Everywhere? They only appeared in your house and in some field thus far. I hardly consider that to be 'everywhere'."

While they bickered, I walked up, picked up a random book, and sat at the chair in front of the desk, opening it up to a random page.

...It wasn't in any language I recognized, though. I pretended to read it anyway, and waited for them to notice me, putting my incredible skill of being ignored to the test.

Marisa rolled her eyes. "I'm sure I'll see it again! Trust me on this, Patchy!"

Patchouli sighed. "This is a matter of facts, Marisa. I cannot simply 'trust' you on anything, and it's not because I don't trust you… it's simply because you've not enough credible citations."

Marisa rolled her eyes. "...So you don't trust me, I guess."

Patchouli shrugged, turning back to her book. "If you want to take it that way, then yes."

...

Marisa grabbed another book and started thumbing through it. "It's gotta be in this one…"

"You don't even know what you're looking for." Patchouli comments, turning a page.

"Damn!" Marisa casts the book aside.

I close the book I'm reading and hand it to her. "Why not try this one?"

Marisa nods. "Ah, thanks…"

She opens it up and starts thumbing through it, only to slow down once she realizes something.

"...Where the hell'd you come from, ze!?"

Patchouli lethargically swung her book in Marisa's general direction, lightly bumping her in the ribs. "Be quiet! Unlike you, I'm trying to actually focus here!"

Marisa pointed at me, and I got out of my chair and ducked in front of the desk, out of their line of sight. "When'd he get here?"

Patchouli slowly turned to where I would be if I didn't duck. "...Marisa, now is no time for you to start acting stupid. Stop acting stupid."

Marisa floated over the desk, glaring at me. "Oi, you! I saw you! What're you doing here?"

Patchouli stood up. "Marisa, if you don't calm down…"

I slowly stand up holding a book that was previously lying discarded next to the desk. "...Reading. It's a library." I smile delightfully.

Marisa slowly scowls. "Oh, you asshole…"

Patchouli blinks at Marisa, but shakes her head. "No fighting, either. No nothing. Sit down. That goes for the both of you."

The witch rolls her eyes, "Fi~ne…" and goes to sit next to Patchouli again, upon the pile of books she was previously seated upon.

...After a few moments, Patchouli looks at me. "What brings you here?"

"Just wanted to read about spells… and stuff." I state casually.

She nods. "Good of a reason as any, I guess. There are books in english in section eight-four-nine, sub-section K-twenty. It'll be the one on the junction between the north eastern study and the shelf with the unpleasant books."

...It'd be nice if I knew where any of this was, and how her sorting system even worked. "Could I just get a map instead?" ...and what the hell was the shelf with unpleasant books?

Patchouli closes her eyes for a moment and sighs. "...Marisa, draw him that map." she requests, locking her eyes back on her book's contents.

Marisa pouts at her for a moment, before taking a crumpled tissue out of her pocket and taking an ink quill pen from Patchouli's desk and getting to work. "Ahhh, you take a left there, a right there… and uh…" She paused. "...I think… you go that way. That'll do, ze!"

She hands me the map, and I take it, narrowing my eyes at it. I couldn't exactly trust this map, but it was all I had to go on. I already forgot what sections she talked about, with the exception of the 'shelf of unpleasant books', whatever the hell that was.

"My appreciations…" I reluctantly voice, walking off and looking at the map. Here's to hoping it leads me somewhere relevant!

/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /

I looked to my right, seeing an aisle of books with black and red designs, runic carvings on them and faint red glows from all of them. The entire aisle was dimmer than those around it.

"I assume I found the shelf of unpleasant books…" I say to myself. I look to the left and see the junction labeled on the map.

I decided to continue to the junction; the eldritch lore tomes could wait for another day.

I finally come to the section labeled on the map; however, the label itself appears to be in Japanese. Thanks, Marisa. I assumed this was the English section.

Looking around, I saw a mixture of very old European novels that seemed to have a rather vague level of wear on them. They were all faded a classy ivory, though. I carefully slid one out of its place on a shelf, and opened it up… only to find a very special brand of old English that proved to be quite challenging for me, somehow. I wonder if Patchouli even read these titles anymore…

I slid the book back into its position on the shelf… or, at least, what I thought was its position. I don't think the librarian would mind if some novel was misplaced by a few spaces. I hoped.

I ran my eyes across the shelves, and found that there not only wasn't anything really legible for me, but they all looked like novels, too. Not any of the magic tomes I was hoping to be here… would she even label a section for English magic tomes?

I place my hands on one of the shelves and sigh. What a waste of time… "Is there really nothing here I can remotely read?" I ask myself.

"Hey! Get back here!"

I turn suddenly to see something fly past one of the open aisles across from this one. Interesting… and it's not like I have anything better to do.

"You little pieces of- woah!" Crashing was heard, the sound of books clattering on the floor echoing throughout the otherwise quiet library.

I made my way towards the noise to find…

"Owowow…" The succubus rubbed her head, lying in a pile of books. "Those… fucking…"

Huh. I didn't expect that here. "...Would you happen to know where any legibly English magic tomes are?" I ask… I mean, she had to work here, right?

She looks up to me and glares. "I'm a bit busy, if you haven't noticed."

I fold my arms. "The customer is always right."

"You're not a customer as far as I'm concerned. Look… I need a favor."

Pfft. "You _just_ turned me down. Surely you jest."

The succubus rolled her eyes. "For fuck's sake, just come with me! We need to kick some fluffy ass!"

Fluffy ass, huh? "...Well that sounds convincing. Sure."

Rising from the pile of books, she cracked her neck a bit. "Aauh…" Looking back and forth, she seemed to be trying to ascertain the location of the fluffles.

"...Come out, you little shitheads!" she roared, nails extending.

I suddenly hear fluffy coos behind me. Turning around, I see numerous fluffles with little black bandanas on, looking at me with narrowed eyes. I didn't even know these things could narrow their eyes.

I point at them. "Hey, look. Fluffy ass."

Some of them held little sacks on their backs, and others had full trench coats on- all in black, except for the sacks. Those were brown.

The succubus whirls around. "So you finally stopped running, huh!? I'll rip you apart!"

...Someone was unhappy.

The succubus flew towards them, and the fluffles with the sacks instantly took off, jumping high above the bookshelves and leaving those cartoony black bombs with fuses on them.

The two fluffles in front with trench coats hovered forward into the air to meet her. Their coats unfolded and cutlasses attached by jointed metal rods smoothly slid out, meeting the succubus's claw-like nails.

Her eyes widened. "Wha~t!?"

The succubus cutlasses were then hidden within the tiny coats once more, despite the blades being at least as big as my arm. I noticed the other two trench coat fluffles were gone; they probably took off with the thieves.

One of the sword-slinging fluffles hovered towards her and she quickly backtracked, claws ready to parry strikes. To her surprise, a huge metal blade shot out of the coat and extended towards her, which she avoided with a very clumsy backwards dash. The blade slowly withdrew itself back into the fluffle's coat; it had to be a legitimate ten feet in length. However…

I swiftly drew my steel scissors and dashed at it, and while that fluffle couldn't react, I was forced to stop as the other one floated into place.

In this case, I had a backup plan… I took my pretty pink scissors out with my other hand.

The fluffle that blocked me started flying up and over me, which probably wasn't a good position, aerial advantage and all that. I began sidestepping, trying to get to the one retracting its blade while still keeping out of range of the one hovering above. My plans quickly changed to outright avoiding the flying one when swords of various types started falling down, pinning themselves into the floor behind me.

"I'm fucking done!" roared the succubus as she flew over me and the fluffle with the large blade still retracting. She flew towards the blade-dropping hooligan, which abruptly jumped back, blades instead clumsily sliding out of its coat as the succubus spiraled towards it.

"Hrraaagh!" She caught up with it, and reached into the coat, before quickly retracting her arms and barreling to the side, a huge flow of blades rocketing out and raining into adjacent bookshelf aisles, clattering commencing.

…I looked to the large blade fluffle, which had finally retracted the entire blade. It started hovering towards me, and I smirked.

"Just put your weapons down, and walk away." ...It was a fun line, to be honest.

In response, I saw the trench coat flap open, and I knew what to expect.

Shii~ng!

I dove to the side as the giant blade rocketed out and punctured a bookshelf, embedding itself. The fluffle noticed it had stopped retracting, and tried desperately to jerk itself to influence the blade to little avail.

I walked up to it, and waved at it. "Hello."

"...hi friend" It smiled, the shiftiness in its eyes leaving it.

I tore it from its trench coat… which hung in the air, still attached to the giant blade.

I took the bandana off it. "This is mine now."

"help no" Its fins rose into the air, alarmed.

"Waaaal!"

I flinched, and used the fluffle to shield myself as I heard the clattering of blades and the wailing of a fluffle from above me. To my right, I saw the second fluffle crash into the floor and explode into dust, its cosmetics going with it. What a shame…

The succubus floated down and took a deep breath. "...Alright. We got… two of them. Great…"

I took out my cloth string, and began tying up the fluffle. It was a bit clumsier than before, given the quick moment, but…

The succubus quickly takes notice. "Ah, let me…"

...I hand the fluffle off to her, and she works her hands on the string, tying it in an intricate bondage knot.

She grins. "There you go… You know, I could do that to you too, if you want…"

I shake my head. "How about no." I didn't have time to be getting my soul stolen by she-demons, as fun as it'd be.

She rolls her eyes. "Of. Fucking. Course… The second outsider to the mansion, and they're… Aaaugh!"

I raise a brow. "...You know, there is one guy you could try. He's this idiot who swings plant ha-"

I'm interrupted. "Already tried. Didn't go well. Fuck him. And fuck you."

Well. "...Thanks, but no thanks. I still need those books, you know."

She glares at me. "And we still have four other fluffles. Get going. I expect you back by… by…" Pausing, she looks around for a clock.

"Half past a freckle. You had best be helping me out if you want the contents of those bags back." Surely they would be books of little value to me… but if she never got them back, where would she be?

"...Fine, fine." She groaned. "If they kill you, it's your own fault."

"Naturally." I grin.

/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /

I walked behind the succubus as she fluttered around erratically, trying to pinpoint the other fluffy lunatics. "C'mon, c'mon, c'mon… they have to have gone somewhere!"

"bassoo~n" cooed the fluffle.

We continued like this for a little while… and eventually we came to one of Patchouli's many study outposts in the library, except it was unmanned… barring the one fluffle seated at the magus's arm chair reading a book with a featureless, green cover.

The succubus narrowed her eyes at it, and floated down to it. "..." She extended her claws and brought them to its neck. "Your friends. Tell me now, and you don't die."

The fluffle paused, sat down the random book it was reading, and looked at her, smiling neutrally as most other fluffles did.

It finally opened its shell nose to speak with instead of its mouth. "Re-Bomb!_Re-Bomb!_Re-Bomb!"

Suddenly, mini warheads fell all around the study, sides of shelves exploding, tables blowing up, and charred pages whirling through the air. Dust clouds created a fog of war, of sorts.

The succubus and I coughed, navigating our way out of the dust and into the aisle we came from. By the time we got there, we began getting shot at. The loud echoes of guns forced me to take cover behind the nearest meat shield… which seemed like an appropriate name for the succubus, at any rate.

She had better senses than me, and dashed for a table fragment as cover, and I followed. We hid behind it, bullets pattering off the edge of the wooden table because that is totally how wood and bullets interact. Gensokyo apparently operated by video game logic, and I was alright with that.

The dust was beginning to settle down, and we could clearly see the two trenchcoat fluffles floating above us.

The succubus shot towards one. "I've got you now~!"

I readied my pink scissorang; if these abominations had guns, this could get a bit difficult…

The fluffle she charged at hovered back a bit, and out from its coat came one hugeass fucking gun… although it was just a barrel we saw. The barrel itself extended to six feet long, or at least, that's what we saw from what was extended.

The succubus's eyes widened. "Holy…"

Barreling out of the way as fast as she could, she averted the barrel's sights.

BLAM.

I heard multiple bookshelves vibrate audibly as a thick sniper shot ripped through them. That was some power...

Reeling from the sound of the blast, the succubus blinked. "Y-you're not going to hit me with that!"

The other fluffle's coat folded open, revealing another six foot barrel.

She dove straight for the other one, flying as quickly as she could.

BLAM.

A chandelier elsewhere in the library exploded, a light flickering out. I don't think that'll be cheap…

The succubus wrapped her hands around the neck of the first fluffle. "Not a move, or fuckface here gets it!" Her claws extended. "Got it?"

...I hear shifting beside me. Out from some rubble walks the fluffle from before, now without its book. It looked at me and waved.

"Re-Bomb!_Re-Bomb!_Re-Bomb!"

A series of explosions rocked the library again, books and pages flying as the study got rocked by a powerful air strike once more.

I looked out from the table I was hiding behind to see less dust than last time. I heard gunfire echo from somewhere ahead… which could be many places. As it cleared, I saw the succubus hidden behind the rubble of a bookshelf. Numerous rifles and machine guns were extended from the coat, and they all unloaded onto the rubble before being dropped once their clips were empty.

I readied my pink scissors, seeing an opportunity as the fluffle had ignored my presence. Spinning it up like a lasso, I swung it at the fluffle, and it caught onto it. Upon catching it, I jerked it towards me, making it drop some of its rifles and other assorted automatic armaments prematurely. I slowly pulled it towards me, but suddenly it began fighting my pull, raising me into the air.

The succubus saw an opportunity here, too. She took to the skies moments after the firing of guns ceased, and made a direct line for the fluffle.

"Your life is mine!" She was really getting into it!

Once she caught up with the fluffle, who was too busy fighting my pulling to bother- well, it did bother, but my string's positioning made it difficult for anything to come out, having sealed the gap in the trench coat shut- its life was over.

Swoosh!

Dust fell to the floor, and I retracted my scissorang. "...Not the cleanest battle." I admitted.

"No shit." replied the succubus. "Were there explosions, too? How about guns? You see any of those?"

Speaking of explosions…

From between us, the fluffle from before climbed out of more rubble from between us. Our eyes widened.

"Re-Bomb!_Re-Bomb!_Re-Bomb!"

We got out of there quickly as more bombs started bombarding the study, reducing anything remaining in the vague vicinity of the study to rubble.

/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /

"Now…" The succubus sighed. "All we need to do is find the books…"

I looked around. "Hmmm…" We don't hear them anymore, for one thing…

Boom-Boom!

...We forgot to defuse those bombs back where we first saw them, didn't we? There goes the Old English section…

"Fu~ck…" The succubus facepalmed in dissapointment.

"bassoo~n" cooed the fluffle in the bag, again.

I looked into the bag. "Do I need to have a word with you?"

"bassoo~n!" it cooed louder.

I reached in grabbed it. "I'm going to have a word with you."

"hold on," it began. "i brought friends!"

A fluffle poked its head out of the bag, popping out of seemingly nowhere because I didn't feel it before. "...Re-"

I slapped my hand over the shell nose. "No! Never again!"

...I slowly lifted my hand from it. "-Bomb-" I slapped my hand over it again.

A singular bomb exploded nearby, causing books to fall from their shelves.

I turned to the succubus. "...Do you have any techniques that shut them up?"

She grins. "With pain, or pleasure?"

I roll my eyes. "Manually."

Pouting, the succubus walks up and takes the cloth from my pocket. "Ooh, you're no fun…"

She begins to take it, and I raise one hand. "Don't let it say a peep, or stuff explodes."

She nods, and as we trade the fluffle, we do indeed let it say a peep.

"Re-Bomb-" She slapped her hand over its mouth.

More books fell as the shelves rocked, an explosion vibrating them.

I give her the ol' stinkeye, as it were. "... What did I just say?"

She glares back. "Oh, whatever…"

...She eventually finishes tying it up into yet another kinky knot. I hope I remember that this one's the asshole that makes things explode by raining bombs down.

The other fluffle stared up at me from the sack. "i have a present for you friend"

I tilt my head. "Sure."

A book lightly clunks my head from above and falls to the floor. I turn, and see that it's that same featureless green book the fluffle was reading from before. I turn to it, and open it up… discovering it to be in yet another foreign language. That's great! I slide it into my bag; with any luck it'd be vaguely important… or something.

I look to the right… and manage to catch a glimpse of the two remaining bandits, who were wall-jumping between two bookshelves, even with the sacks equipped.

I point at them. "Fluffy bandits."

The succubus turns and stares up at the fluffles. "Oh, you're not getting away that easily!"

They reach the top of the shelf and attempt to do a fancy spin-jump away, but she grabs one of them and tosses it in my general direction. "You! Kill it!"

It lands just ahead from me, and instantly gets up and starts sprinting, and quickly starts doing belly-dives to avoid me as I run after it, speeding up.

"Get back here, you son of a bitch!" I call out, taking out my pink scissors, and tossing them around it.

The fluffle took out an oversized pair of steel scissors and tried to cut the string, but failed. Steel alloy, son!

The fluffle was then flung back to me, caught by the string, letting the giant steel scissors fly out of its hands. Those looked a bit unwieldy and more comical than useful…

"Waaaal!" it wailed, and I ripped the sack from its fins.

"Nope, it's mine now." I frowned at it.

"Waaaa~l!" it wailed louder.

I lifted it with one hand. "You shall never walk with those agile legs of yours again." I pocket my pink scissors, taking the string with it.

"Waaaal!" it wailed, again.

I grasped both of its legs with one hand, and…

Rrrr~ip!

The fluffle looked down at its legs. "help no"

I shoved both the fluffle and the legs into the bag… not before taking its bandana, too. "Have fun with that, you fluffy swine."

The other fluffles greet it. "hi friend"

"Rrr-bmm! Rrr-bmm!" sounded the muffled cries of the terrorist fluffle. Thankfully, no explosions were induced.

The succubus flew back with her sack of books, grinning. "Great! Mistress will be quite pleased that _I_ found this collection back!"

"You mean 'we'." I added.

She turned to me. "...No, I don't. You see…" She reached into her pockets, taking out a pink potion. "I recently had another one of these babies made…"

That's probably not good, so I reached into my bag and found nothing but fluff and stuff. I took out the gagged terrorist fluffle, and the succubus pouted.

"Oh, I know there's no way you'd do something like that… After all, you want to be my slave, don't you?" She leans over, smirking.

...I slide the gag off the fluffle's mouth.

"Re-Bomb!_Re-Bomb!_Re-Bomb!"

"You piece of shit!" She roars, attempting to flee with her sack as the explosions started echoing nearby, dust whirling, books soaring, and shelves exploding.

I'm sent hurtling to the side as one of the bombs goes off near my vicinity, but I'm generally okay.

"Waaaaal!"

"Waaall-aaaallll!" The fluffles were a little shaken, though.

I moved towards the brown sack holding the books, and saw the fluffle near it.

"Re-" I slid the gag over its mouth. "Bmm! Rrr-Bmm!"

I look around; apparently the succubus had split. In any case, I could probably get half a reward for bringing half the books to Patchouli. That'd probably give her incentive to find me some proper English spell tomes, at the very least.

/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /

I arrive at the study to see the succubus already talking with her mistress.

"Well, you see… He took the books, and there were fluffles, and uh…" she trailed off.

Patchouli looked up lazily. "...I doubt he could have caused the absurd chain of explosions and gunfire I heard. Koakuma, tell me the truth."

The succubus, apparently named Koakuma, flails her arms. "Whah- well, I mean… He allied with them! He's a fluffle mongerer!"

Patchouli sighed. "Look, I don't have the time for this. I appreciate the half of the books you got back, Koakuma, but right now I think it'd be best if you walked away and rethought this conversation."

Koakuma sighed, "Fine… Fi~ne…" and with that, she stormed off, giving me a dark expression as she walked past me. Making enemies is my speciality!

The librarian stares at the sack of books I have. "Ah, I see you pulled your weight as well. Very good. Did you find the books you were looking for?"

I shake my head. "I meant tomes. You know, like magic? Not novels."

She nodded. "Aaah, right, right... "... and resumed reading.

…

"...Well?" I inquired.

"...Hmm?" Patchouli didn't bother to look up at me.

I mentally groaned. "...I'd like to find some magical, English tomes. Not in 'ye olden English' either, something I could read."

Patchouli still didn't bother to look up. "Then you're out of luck. They're rare and notoriously bad in quality. Give up."

I wasn't taking that for an answer. "That idiot from before had magic, I'm sure of it!"

...I didn't see him directly cast spells, so I was going off on a limb here, but…

Patchouli shut her book. "...Genuinely? Fine. Fine… Marisa?" She turned to Marisa, who had her head deep in some book with plant illustrations on it.

"Hawahzat?" Marisa replied, not totally paying attention.

"The boy wants to learn the basics. Go nuts."

Marisa turned to her. "Patchy, ze… I'm a bit busy here, could you…"

Patchouli groaned. "Look, I really don't have time for this…"

Marisa groaned in return. "I really don't have time for this either…!"

I groaned because the situation was groanable. "Can we stop groaning like cavemen and actually _do something_!?"

… The two mages stared at me. "Not with that attitude, we're not." Patchouli replied, opening her book again.

Marisa shook her head, "Look, some other time, okay…?" and opened her book again.

Alright, fuck it. I took that one fluffle out of the sack… "...Hello there, Serious Sam!"

"Rrr-bmm! Rrr-bmm! Rrr-bmm!"

The two mages ignored the muffled cries of the fluffle.

I slid the gag off. "Happy days."

"Re-Bomb!_Re-Bomb!_Re-Bomb!"

And so, the study exploded.

/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /

We all sat in a circle around a charred pile of books and furniture parts.

"... _Why_ …" Patchouli let out a hollow protest.

Marisa sat with her arms folded. "...Fff….uuuu-" She was interrupted by coughing from the dust.

I grinned sheepishly. "...Fluffles are dangerous, aren't they?"

Patchouli turned to me slowly and glared at me, muttering words between coughs and wheezes. "...I will… _destroy_ … you…"

Marisa jumps up into a standing position and glares at me. "You want to learn magic!? You want to fucking learn magic!? Here's some magic for ya!"

I'm forced to do the same, except I also have to dance to the back a little as some stars fall from the sky, landing where my feet were moments ago.

"Here!"

I see a large star form, and I run to the right as it bounces against the floor to my left.

"And this!"

Yet another large star formed, and this time I leapt to the right.

"And here's the last lesson!"

A storm of said stars formed, and I was forced to run in the direct opposite direction as large yellow stars that weren't danmaku but didn't seem elemental either crashed down against the floor behind me. After a good moment of running, the stars ceased.

Marisa seemed to have calmed down. "...Dumbass." ...a little.

Patchouli floated to her feet. "... Huuaahhh…" she let out an unhealthy moan as she began casting a spell. I heard a buzzing sound, and started running around haphazardly.

Thunk! Buzzz~!

I look behind me to see a saw blade propel itself across the floor. Oh, boy.

Thunk! Buzzz~!

I avoid yet another saw blade as it lags behind me.

Thunk-Thunk-Thunk! BUZZZZZ…!

I'm forced to dive as three really fast saw blades land right next to me and quickly zoom off into the rubble of some shelves, sawing into them with great ferocity before finally disappearing. Getting feisty now, aren't we?

Having sufficiently blown their steam, the two magi settled for glaring at me.

"...So, about that magic…" I begin, rubbing my hands together like some eighties cartoon villain.

Patchouli blinked at me. "...Marisa, I have a feeling he won't leave us alone unless we reciprocate."

Marisa huffed. "Well… fine! What do you want to learn?"

I brought my hand to my chin. "Hmmm…"

I had options here: Marisa's pretty little star spells, that book of bombs the fluffle has, or…

Marisa grabs me by the shoulders while I'm thinking. "C'mon, c'mon! I don't have all da~y!" she shouts, rage building further.

"Marisa."

She lets go of me and sighs loudly. "Uuugh…"

"Abusing the simpleton won't get this done any faster. I would know this best of anyone." Patchouli smirked at Marisa.

"Hey! Whad're you tryina' say!?" Marisa pivoted around and yelled comedically at her friend.

I speak up. "If there's any spell I'd like right now… it'd be that one you just used, Patchouli." I grinned. Saw blades, indeed!

She took a moment of consideration "...Very well."

Excellent!

"I'll teach you the basic level of saw blade. It's a rather simple pre-worked spell that most beginners should be able to cast with little trouble. The biggest downside is that you'd need to be an experienced mage to properly work beyond the limited scope of the spell's pre-designed aspects. Metal magic's not a field many mages go into, mind you." Patchouli explains, nodding as she finishes.

I nod absentmindedly. "Yes, yes, very good. How does one learn this spell?"

"...Right." Patchouli shakes her head. "Let's begin. Since it's a pre-designed and rather stiff spell, I'm just going to embed the method behind it in your mana pool; you should be able to feel it, provided you haven't learned any other spells yet."

I say nothing and wait, and she takes this as a sign to continue. She floats up to me and floats behind me.

"What exactly does this process entail…?" I ask.

"A good night's rest and preferably a mana potion in the morning. Also, I hope you didn't have plans for the next few hours." Patchouli explains.

Wait, what?

I try to turn and address her, to see if there was another method, but it seemed I was too late. As I turned, I spiraled to the floor and was out like a light.

Thud.

/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /

"...You sure teaching him how to rain saw blades from the sky was a good idea?" Marisa looked at her friend skeptically.

Patchouli floats back towards her battered desk pieces and begins levitating them. "With any luck, he'll cut himself with it or something and be too afraid to ever cast it again."

Marisa nods. "I guess it's not our problem, then. Should we, uh…?" She looks to the fallen me on the floor.

Patchouli looks towards my unconscious body. "...I'll call for a maid- I mean, you'll call for a maid to bring him to a guest bed or something."

Marisa groans. "Why me~?"

"Because I'm going to be rebuilding this study for the next hour or so." The mage nodded.

"...Alright." Marisa reluctantly agreed, and flew off to find a maid.

Before you question why I can seemingly tell what's going on while unconscious, please remember that the authors do not give a damn about the fourth wall. Also, I won't remember this.

/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /

As much as I would have preferred to keep sleeping, I'm nudged to awaken.

I groggily open my eyes to see some generic maid nudging me.

"I was told to wake you up, but I've been here nudging you for several hours." She looked immensely bored. "It's better than working on the drywall, though."

… I try to go back to-

The maid shoves a mana potion in my mouth. "I was also told to feed you this. Feed on it."

Ghurk! Gahk!...

Glug-glug-glug-glug…

Once it was empty, she tore it from my lips and tossed it away. "There. Now get up."

I felt surprisingly energized after that, but… I roll over and try to catch some more shut-eye, if only to spite her.

I end up rolling off the bed after she kicks me off it. "Wake the fuck up!"

I take the blanket with me, and curl up with it on the floor.

"...Okay, that's awake enough. I'll show her how awake you are."

The green-haired fairy maid lifts me, blanket and all, and walks out with me, kicking the door to the room open and continuing down the hall with me.

…

After a while of running, we stop at a door and the fairy maid kicks it open, a loud squeak emitting from it, giving me another reason to be awake and alert, except I _choose_ not to be.

"Here!" the maid shouts exhaustedly. "He's awake! Fuck him!" She tosses me on the floor. "Gaa~h!" she yells, flying away.

…

Remilia blinks, "...Alright, then." and takes a sip from her teacup. She's seated at this dainty little tea table.

I rise from the blankets on the floor, and point at her. "I have devised the perfect strategy!"

She blinks again. "...Okay?"

I try to focus on the saw blade spell from earlier, and interestingly something seems to just click. I throw my hand to the air, and focus on creating the disc. Then, I throw my hand forward, and the blade mobilizes.

Thunk! Buzzz~!

The blade lethargically travels towards Remilia, cutting along the floor as I feel my will to live suddenly plummet, which was presumably my mana pool crying out in pain.

Remilia stared at it as it neared her tea table, before she calmly rose from her chair, and did some kind of leap at a very smooth arc at blinding speeds, leaving only a blur. She landed in front of her tea table, and stuck out an open palm.

~zzzzz-!

Remilia caught it with one hand, completely stopping all of its movement. Then, she lifted it up, and I felt like ducking would be a good idea.

Woosh!

The blade soared over my head as I did so, flying out of the open door behind me and sailing straight through the hallway wall outside, leaving only a slit in it where it entered.

"I just got that new tea table. I didn't want to see it damaged within twenty-four hours of purchase." she calmly stated, walking back to it.

I chuckle. "Do you not get insurance on your goods?"

"When it comes to the gap youkai, no." Remilia responds. "In any case, that was literally all of your usable mana pool in that one attack, so I don't think I have anything to be afraid of."

I roll my eyes. "Does it not occur to you that one can be dangerous and not be a magic user?"

Remilia in turn rolls her eyes. "Right. Because some human like you can very clearly outperform those of even your own kind."

I nod. "Quite so, actually. Maybe not so much those that are more than human, though."

Remilia shrugs. "Mmhmm."

I walk up to the tea table, pull out a chair, and take a seat.

"...I'd call for Sakuya, but I have a feeling with how unhinged she's been lately, you'd just get hurt in the process." Remilia adds. "So you'll just have to do without."

I see the kettle and empty cup at my table. "You mean… I have to _lift_ the cups myself!? A tragedy, to be sure!"

She snorts. "Oh, does that fall within your capabilities? After a spell like that last one, I was uncertain if you were fit to even leave the room."

"You say that, but I am certain you've never even left your room long enough to see the sun." ...I say that, but considering the amount of time I sit at home in a dark room using the computer, I'm not much one to talk.

Remilia smiles, "Well, at the very least you know your vampires. Or, at least, you think you do." and sips from her teacup.

"I recognize that spell from Patchouli. Although, the way you casted it was so incredibly sloppy that she ought to be insulted." she nodded. "Actually, I'm sure of it, too. I suppose I'll tell her later."

I turn and look at the hole in the wall in the hallway from my seat. "And you were sloppy at maintaining your house properly. Why don't I tell your maintenance workers that you willingly demolish your property? Perhaps to create more work for them, even?" I grin.

Remilia shrugs. "Wouldn't be the first time my sister and I have destroyed the entire mansion." Figures. I suppose the maintenance workers don't give a shit, then. At least, not that much. That one that came to wake me up sure gave a shit, though…

She sips her tea again, and I just sit there and contemplate life. I'd comment on the weather, but I've been in the mansion so long that that would be quite difficult.

"Patchouli _did_ teach you that spell, right?" Remilia questioned before taking yet another sip of her tea.

I nod. "Technically, yes." More like 'drilled it into my memory', but I did learn it from her.

"Good, good. My assumption was correct, then. Quite fortunate that you used something recognizable like that, I suppose." Sip.

"As opposed to something else of similar caliber?" I comment, grinning.

"I suppose. If you had used something I didn't recognize, however, you'd probably be dead right now."

She sipped her tea again.

"...Looks like my cup's empty." ...and went to pour herself some more.

I observed the pattern on the tea table. Simple floral design in the metal, and it was entirely white… I'll remember that.

...And if anything, she's simply threatening me for dominance of the situation. "That's nice. I'm alive right now, though, so I think that doesn't matter."

Remilia chuckles at that. "Right. Apparently it doesn't."

With that, she continues sipping her tea.

Sip.

…

I take the whole kettle and bring it to my mouth.

Gulp...Gulp...Gulp…

Hah…

…

Remilia was beaming. "You know, I'd be more angry if you _did_ know what was in that tea."

"Sugar and water and herbs." I reply, smacking my lips as I sat the kettle down. It was a tad… non-tea-like, though.

"You're missing one…" Remilia was really having a giggle at this.

"...Is it some secret spice aristocrats like to drink?" I add, brow raised.

"In a wa~y…"

I eyed the empty kettle curiously. "Alright… what is it?"

"Human blood."

...I shrug. I've licked my own blood too much to care. "That's what it was. Iron is what makes the taste different, right?"

Remilia looks a bit disappointed at my reaction. "...Usually you humans complain of diseases or something, even though it's not like I would drink something so filthy anyway. Sakuya makes sure of that."

Even so, "I doubt a little blood tea is going to give me anything serious any time soon."

Remilia chuckles. "Try telling that to anyone else of your species."

You see, the real issue with drinking blood is the concentrated levels of iron, which can kill. Considering it was only vaguely in the tea, Remilia probably only accents it with blood or something. Different blood types aren't really a problem because you're supposed to digest it, not infuse your bloodstream with it. Nothing to worry about, overall.

...Also, excess blood tastes like shit and I probably would have spat it out, but that's besides the point.

In any case, there was no more tea to drink! Today is sad day!

Sip.

...I should have emptied the kettle _before_ she refilled that cup.

…

I hear footsteps from the hallway, and when I turn again, Youmu runs in.

"You!" Me! Mu? Youmu!

I stand up. "Hello, Nana!"

"We need to go, like, _right now_!" Youmu desperately yells.

Remilia reaches for the kettle. "Why not slow down and have some…" She suddenly remembers upon tipping it that I drank it all. "...Hmph."

Youmu wasn't paying attention though. "Come on!" She grabbed onto my arm and started dragging me along. She pressed a button on the radar thing, and a gap appeared.

"Hello~!" Yukari exclaims, entering the room. She looks around somewhat surprised. "The mansion? Weren't you sent to the store?... I won't even bother to ask."

Remilia glares at Yukari. "And just what are you doing here?"

"Collecting liabilities, little vampire." Yukari replied with a carefree expression.

At the door, the special forces fairies arrived to apprehend Youmu, but all things considered that was probably too late.

"Shock treatment prescribed!" I heard static sounds fill the hallway…

"Not them!" Youmu backs away fearfully, apparently having had a bad time getting here.

Yukari whistles and snaps her fingers. "Here. Hello! I'm here! Get in!"

Youmu snaps out of it and throws me over her shoulder and runs for the gap. The taser fairy enters the room, and Youmu opts for just throwing me into the gap before she gets stunned.

"Here! Yuka-bazazzazzaztztzt!" Youmu began convulsing, the electricity running up and down her body as she collapsed to the floor.

"I've got fifty thousand volts here with _your_ name on them!"

Yukari dove back within her gap, and I soared into the gap against my will, which promptly dumped me on my stomach in front of Hakugyokurou.

...Well, shit.

/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /

CHAPTER 14.5 END

PROTAGONIST: Matthew, the Debatably Sane Outsider

PRIMARY WEAPON: Bloodied Steel Scissors - Stained lightly with fresh blood from a young human male. Sharp, shiny-ish, and to the point!

INVENTORY:

Steel scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Quick Scissorang - Non-elemental scissors that are enchanted to return to the owner with ferocity. Not that powerful of a weapon, but combined with strong string it can be used like a powerful grappling hook. Looks like it belongs in a Barbie catalog.

Flame Scissors - Fire-elemental scissors that have an incendiary effect on strike. Boosts fire magic and abilities, as if I had any.

Steel-alloy String - An experimental item provided by Alice as part of her testing. She uses these herself to manage her dolls, or so I'm told.

A Tuft of Cloth Strings - Pink, regular cotton string. It's soft, and clean.

A Fluffy Hooligan - Soft, and warm to the touch. Ech!

Book of Rebomb - Teaches basic and advanced bomb magic. Written in some fantastical language, so I can't read it.

(2 more empty spaces)

PARTY:

Rebomb Fluffle - Soft, and warm to the touch. Ech! Has a gag on to keep it from casting Rebomb over and over again, which would be a very bad time.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Rebomb - Advanced bomb spell that blows up the nearby vicinity with random bombs. Very random damage.

INVENTORY:

Finsticuffs.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

this took a FREAKIN WHILE TO WRITE, and as i type this i'm beginning to write chapter EIGHTEEN.

btw finsticuffs are cuddly ; 3

...i suppose i'm still going at like MACH TEN compared to other fanfic writers, so i'm not THAT BAD but by my standards this is LETHARGIC

again, if i'm not done with the incident (read: NOT EVEN STARTED AS OF WRITING THIS) then i'll just publish everything i have on christmas eve because ye ye ye mrry crsms

yeah i just shove matt into hakugfhgfdh by the time im done because convenience and two plus chapters of this at a time could get a li~ttle demanding, esp. where my SLOW WORK ETHIC is considered.

as always, see you all next time!

CO-AUTHOR'S NOTE:

HE TAKES FOREVER TO DO THIS.

AND IS VERY INCONSISTENT WITH WHAT HE DOES. (a/n SON IT'S CHRISTMAS AYSDFSD aye gotta gives the READERS a PRESENT… of the RELEASE TAKING TWO MONTHS INSTEAD OF THREE)

ANOTHER HALF CHAPTER MAY ARRIVE IN LIKE TWO OR MORE MONTHS FROM NOW- or never- SO IF YOU HAPPEN TO LIKE THIS SORT OF THING THEN YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT A WHILE

also mrry crsms

(a/n LETS ALSO STOP TYPING IN ALL CAPS) (ca/n NO)

(a/n new year's resolution: WRITE FASTER… with CONSISTENT QUALITY)


	17. What You Get when I Write with a Fever

(in which we enter doom)

We passed the Misty Lake, and I saw Nitori's steampunk ship in the faint mist that settled this morning…

"Friends, I have business on that craft!" I exclaim. "...Help!"

Ha-chan begins to lift me by the waist, and weakly carries me over to the ship. The other three just follow behind us. I said I needed help, dangit!

Regardless, we make it to the ship and land. Ha-chan feels out her arms a bit, aching. I coulda flown myself, but… fairy power!

"Hello, friend!" It's Nitori, and she's waving at me!

"Hello, friend!" I respond back, waving similarly. Friendly days, yo…

She pulls out the water blaster, which is now all cleaned up and shiny, revealing it to be comprised of blue and silver metal, like the majority of water-based weapons.

"I cleaned it up and added new straps to it. It's kinda hard to wield, though…" She demonstrates by trying to mount it on her shoulder. She aims it, and shoots a gush of water out of it. It wasn't as strong as Stormy's pillars of water, but…

"Let me try, yo!" I held out my arms, and Nitori gave it to me.

Mounting it on my shoulder, I aimed it off the ship, and pulled the trigger…!

…

A singular bubble came out, drifting gently through the air before popping.

"...You kinda need mana to make it work…" Nitori adds.

Right! "I, uh… I knew that!" I added. "Just seeing what would happen without it!"

She rolled her eyes, and I prepared to fire it again. I channeled mana into the water blaster, focused a bit on wet things, and then fired!

Blop-bloop-blohp-bloop…

A surge of bubbles flew out, more than before at any rate. I'd say about five… and in any case, they eventually popped into sploshes of water, which fell into the lake below.

"Ah… Are you sure you're fit to wield that?" Nitori asked, awkwardly smiling at the mediocre display.

Nope! "Yep!"

She begins to recede into the depths of her ship. "A-alright, then… Don't hurt yourself, friend… Also, you don't need to repay me for that. I-I don't think you could anyway, at any uh…" she trailed off, before slamming the hatch shut.

I grin at the prospect of dodging expenses! "Alright, friends, let's go!"

"R-right…" Ha-chan tries lifting me again… only for the water blaster to be too much of an addition for her to be able to.

"Hey, you guys with the hair! We need assistance!" I wave my arms!

"Alright, alright, you perverted pig." Komi scowled as she moved to help Ha-chan lift me, and we actually managed liftoff!

"Who're you calling perverted…?" Koi smirked wryly as she whispered into Komi's ear.

"Hwah!?" Komi jumps, before glaring at Koi.

She's losing her grip…! "Hey, yo yo yo, keep your arms on the insane man, we need to get me there without me being a block of ice!"

Her grip tightens. There we go… "What nonsense are you speaking? I have the strength of ten fairies I'll have you know…"

...Well, she was certainly stronger than Ha-chan, but that's not saying much. I think she was about as strong as a regular human, actually…

In any case, we closed in on the gate to the manor ahead as we reached the shore.

"We're nearly there, fellows!" I exclaimed before being abruptly dropped to the shore. "Hwaauuu!"

Thud! I landed on the sand. Oof!

"S-sorry, Brad-kun!" Ha-chan yelled from above. It's a freakin' good thing they didn't drop me from up high or I woulda gone splat, sand or no sand!

"That was your fault! I woulda been fine if your arms didn't practically snap off! What good are you, anyway!?" Komi roars from above.

I dizzily raise myself from my indentation in the sand, and dust myself off. "Alright, I guess uh… I guess I'll just roll with that!"

A fluffle sticks his head out of the sand next to me. "hi friend"

I pluck it out of the sand. "Hey."

"Waaal!" It began squirming, not expecting to be plucked out of its home!

"You're soft." I add, and toss it upward.

"Waaal!"

Ha-chan is shivering in the air as Komi continues roaring at her, before a fluffle flies up between them, flailing. The flailing gets sand all over them, and they're forced to shield their eyes. They then start flying around aimlessly.

"What the hell!?" Komi starts shooting danmaku wildly.

"A-aaahhhh!" Ha-chan screams, flying erratically.

The fluffle touches down on the sand again, and starts desperately digging at it with its fins. "help, friends! i seek a home and a better place!"

Komi, having finally expelled the sand from her eyes, rocketed down towards the fluffle. "Come here, you little shit!"

"Waaal!" The fluffle threw its fins up, alarmed.

With a flying kick from the sky, Komi stomped the fluffle back into its basic dusty components.

Thumbs up! "Good job!"

She jerks her head up to me. "Ah? You're okay, huh…"

The other fairies float down to meet us. Ha-chan finally gets the rest of the sand out of her eyes.

I get glomped again! "B-Brad-kun, you're alright!"

"Yo, you guys dropped me from like ten feet over some sand. I'd probably only hurt myself if I landed directly on my head or awkwardly or something…" I argue, trying to quell Ha-chan's worry…

Before long, we reached the gate. It was sealed, and Meiling was sleeping outside on a mattress, blanket curled up over her. I walk up to Meiling…

"Hey… Hey, wake up… Hey…" I nudge her multiple times to little avail…

I lift her head, and move my face near her ear… "Wake up, goldilocks!"

Meiling mutters something intangible in reply, but remains relatively asleep. Freakin… we could try flying over the gate, but if those fairy friends drop me over it, and you know they will, I might be freakin' skewered…

Oh, yeah, that fluffle stand was still nearby. "hi friend" Not even gonna reply! That'd just be giving it what it wants!

I mount the water blaster upon my shoulder… but I knew nothing I did with it could do anything to this locked gate. "Alright, guys. I need you to channel some mana into this cannon!" I aim it at the gate…

"A-alright!" Ha-chan agrees, hands grasping the handle with mine.

"Just what do you have planned…?" Komi agrees, sticking her hand on the cannon's stock.

Koi giggles, resting her hands on the side of the cannon. "We're about to blow up the gate, that's what! Don't tell me you're getting dull, Komi!"

Namori, who I could hardly tell was present, also laid her hands down on the top of the cannon. "I-If this is what it takes…!"

I wait a good ten seconds… and then I pull the trigger.

Tick… Fwoooaaahh!

A huge quad-elemental laser slams into the gate, blowing it open with ease and continuing to the front door of the manor, drilling into it. Speaking of which, the manor was noticeably more than just a foyer, but it still had a ways to go…

"Achievement get: Gatecrashers!" I exclaimed, smirking as the beam died out.

Meiling was still asleep!... which is essentially how I'm like on school nights!

"...I think they heard us." Komi blanched.

I turn to her, still smirking. "Ya think?"

I turn back to the front yard, seeing Sakuya in it now.

Time to fight the big mean boss, bro! Oough! By boogity!

"...Just what is-"

I interrupt Sakuya. "Boogity hoogity!"

Her brow twitches, but she starts again. "...Just what is going on out here?... A-aren't you that lunar princess? You sound strange..."

I give her a cocky grin. "No maids shall be our masters, lad. We come sailing to the halls of doom, with a black flag raised to the sky… to plunder your Kool-Aid! G'fahahaha!"

I quickly use my free hand to rip out those time wards and stuff them into my pretty pink shirt. Pretty sure they still work there.

"...Brad!? T-the hell are you even wearing…" Sakuya double-takes once she fully realizes who is donning Kaguya's outfit. I suppose she wasn't close enough to see my face, either. Good thing I'm white as a sheet!

"I am Cap'n Kool-Aid, and yours is as good as mine!" I yell. "Fairies, into formation!"

I probably confused them by saying that, but they got into some sort of line around me, which worked.

"How's them marbles, maid?" I finish. I let my water cannon drop to my back- I'm calling it a cannon from now on because it's not a puny wee wittle blaster- and ready Swift Brand to kick things off.

"...Hmph." Sakuya gets a smirk of her own. "We've been itching for some target practice…"

Sakuya clacks her heels against the concrete walkway audibly.

Stomps reverberate even to here as a towering figure emerges from the blasted manor doors…

"What, there's only five of them!?" It's the bulldozer!

"Holy shit! Bulldozer!" I point at it as it emerges.

"Fuck, bulldozer!" Komi points at it.

"Motherfucking bulldozer!" Koi points at it too.

"...It's a fucking bulldozer!" I yell again, pointing at it… again.

"Bulldozer!" Komi yells, pointing at it again.

"Bu-" Thwack!

Ha-chan hit Koi on the back of the head. "W-we get it! Bulldozer's here! Stop shouting already, you're making me nervous!"

…

I point at the- Thwack!

Pain! "Yeeoo~w!"

"S-sorry!" Ha-chan replies.

"I've got them in my sights…!" The taser yelled from the door, running out behind the bulldozer.

I point at that one, too! "It's-"

Thwack! "Brad-kun, please!"

Namori points at it for awhile, before letting out a delayed shout moments later. "...Shit!"

We all give Namori a funny look, before another special operations fairy rolls out.

"Better late than- oh, I'm on time. Well… hello!" Keep it classy, cloaker…

Sakuya floats into the air. "I'm not even going to fight right now. Do you five even know how… doomed you are right now?"

I turn to my mates, and mutter a strategy to them. "...When that bastard starts shooting, we duck behind the right wall, alright? Ha-chan, I want you to take the left- and when the taser rolls around, I want you to engage the taser and the taser alone. Namori, cover Ha-chan."

Sakuya's grin becomes maniacal. "Don't even bother responding. The mistress will never even know you five were here… and if you try running, I will end you. Give up, and ma~ybe we won't stomp you into the dirt, Brad. The fairies we can just kill, but you… I might have a special punishment in store for your disturbances."

We make for the walls, and that triggers the action!

"Elite 'Dozer's here, and ready for action!" She brings her light machine musket out. "Death penalty in three… two…"

Ratatatatatata!

Large scarlet bullets slam against the wall and the open gate, but little is achieved.

"You made a very... Bad... Mistake!" I hear the bulldozer roar from behind the wall. "You're gonna wish you stayed home!"

We stayed behind the walls for a good minute, and not much progress happened. The bulldozer was slowly closing in on the gate while firing like a maniac, though…

I ready the water cannon, and pocket Swift Brand. "If she comes around, the two of you channel your magic. Another hyper beam should end that wall of scrap metal."

We hear scuffling behind us. I turn to see the cloaker climbing back up the wall. When the hell…?

She also expertly maneuvers herself over the spiked top of the wall, and jumps back down on the other side.

...and quickly the bulldozer ceases its advances, my cannon plan being rendered ineffective. Freakin'...

"Elite Taser, make way!" the taser yells to his comrades, moving up towards the left side of the wall. The dozer stops targeting that edge of the wall, and eyes me. I grin sheepishly and hug the wall a bit tighter…

"Perp spotted!" The taser readies her electric gloves, walking towards me, when a rock pings off her helmet.

"Y-you leave him alone!" Ha-chan yells, and the taser's gloves crackle louder.

"Hahahaha!" The taser begins laughing as she runs at Ha-chan, and grasps her by the shoulders with her gloves.

Za-zap-zazazzz…

Ha-chan crackles with energy and electricity sizzles around her, but she wears an euphoric expression as it all takes place. Perks of being electricity elemental!

I hear a rustle of bushes behind us…

"Koi, check the bushes." I request.

"Wha-why?" Koi asks, surprised.

I hear the rustling cease.

"Fucking… cloaker!" I yell. I don't turn to the bushes though, I keep my eyes on the distance from the bushes to Ha-chan instead, just incase. Besides, if she kicked me, I think the fairies could easily help me back up. I don't remember cloakers fighting groups that well; they were into isolated targets…

Wulululululu…!

The cloaker dashed from the bushes behind us, running for Ha-chan.

The other fairies are too surprised to help fuel the cannon…! I fill it with mana anyway, nothing else really on hand, and desperately slam it into the earth, knowing my bubbles wouldn't make it. I feel the mana leave the cannon, surprisingly. Did I…?

Fwuuush!

A tiny geyser erupts in the distance between the cloaker and Ha-chan. The cloaker ends up running into it, and gets propelled into the air. From there, she falls back down flat on her toosh.

"Fuagh!"

I smirk… but I couldn't really reach the cloaker. "Komi, do something!" I randomly yelled out a name!

I said that, but Namori- who was guarding Ha-chan as I asked of her earlier- had already sent a beam towards the cloaker. The cloaker had her gaze locked on me, expecting me to be the one to do the attacking, but the laser surprised her, piercing her.

"Huuaaagh!"

Pi~chun!

"I-I gots me a cloaker!" Namori clumsily yells, delighted. The cloaker's gear was left behind as well… not like we had time to scavenge it, though.

"Oohhh… I'm gonna drop on them like a fuckin' _piano_!" The bulldozer was marching pretty quickly towards the gate…!

Komi was in no position to react, but Koi was near me. "S-should I charge the cannon, or…?"

I shake my head, and take it off my shoulders, casting it to the floor. "Nah, I've got other plans…"

I pulled out Quake Bloomer, itching to use my newest spell. I turn to Komi, who was already fairly ahead of us. "Komi, I want you to run out there and surprise the bulldozer. Fly around her, piss her off, the works. I've got a plan."

She looked cross with me at first, but sighed. "If this doesn't work, I'm breaking you when I revive, got it?"

The bulldozer begins to emerge, ready to blast Ha-chan and Namori to fairy dust, when Komi comes out and flanks her.

"Prepare to be toyed with, you childish toy!" Komi taunts the bulldozer, her danmaku orbiting around it.

"You can't hurt me!" The bulldozer starts turning, still firing, trying to hit Komi. Her slow walk speed made it impossible for any of Komi's danmaku to actually hit, but…

I slam Quake Bloomer's shaft into the earth, focusing my mana.

Fwoo…

I was gonna need to chug a potion at this rate… I pulled one out, and began drinking it. I had one left after this one, I believe…

Gulp...Gulp…

"Kicking asses never felt so relaxing!" roared the Bulldozer as its movements slowed. She didn't wobble, though; just turned a bit slower, making it a complete stalemate between the two fairies.

Gulp… Gulp…

Hahh…

I readied Quake Bloomer and buffed myself once more. I then ran up through Komi's danmaku, and got close and personal with the bulldozer while it faced away from me. Like that, I neared its front, taking care not to run into the stream of scarlet danmaku like a dumbass.

She notices me! "Got you, asshole!" She begins turning slowly…

I spin around, and strike her skull-graffitied visor with the hanger hammer.

Claaang… Chink!

...clatter clatter…

"My visor!"

I broke the metal part of the visor… but on the inside was a fiberglass one. Why even…!?

Inside was a very angry fairy maid with green hair. "I'll kick your ass, visor or no visor!"

I back away, and slam the hilt into the floor again.

Fwoo…

"...But first, I think I'll just keep firing my gun. It'll probably hit you!" The bulldozer wasn't totally shouting that last sentence! She must be super freakin' tired!

I run through Komi's danmaku again and tank a bullet. I see the taser, and for whatever reason Namori didn't think to attack it, and just watched the entire spectacle… which was still going on.

"Ha-a-a-a-a-a-a~" Ha-chan looked simply euphoric.

"Haubagagagaga!" The taser probably would have too, if she weren't wearing that helmet…

I turn to Namori. "Just shoot the bad guy already…"

She turns to me, tilting her head. "But… she looks like she's enjoying it."

I fold my arms. "Well, I need her now!"

Relenting, she sighs. "Okay, okay…"

She points her fingers…

Vzooo!

"Ha-haaaahhhh!" The taser roars in pain as the danmaku laser pierces her.

Pi~chun!

Once a fairy, always a fairy…

"Taser, taken care of." I state dramatically. Not like anyone needed that info! The taser's gear was also left behind, but the electricity faded. I bet most of it was from the fairy itself, so the gear'd be no good to us, I think...

Ha-chan kneels against the floor, corners of her mouth twitching. I grab her by the shoulders and pull her up.

"Ha-chan, you're needed on the battlefield!" I begin shaking her, but she just dreamily stares at me.

"B-Brad-kun… I feel so happy…" She hugs me.

"...Ha-chan, this isn't the time to rejoice in the afterglow!... Alright, you just uh… sit here…" I let go of her, and she falls onto her back, sighing happily.

I look over to Namori, then to the water blaster. "Follow me, you."

She nods. "W-what about Hana-chan?"

I wave my hand dismissively. "Not like the bulldozer's gonna be leaving that gate any time soon."

With that, I dash across when the coast is free of bullets, and Namori does the same.

I lift the water blaster. "We might not be able to make a hyper beam necessarily… but I've got plans!" I exclaim. I look at Koi, who's just pumping her arms as she watches Komi rotate around the bulldozer.

She cups her hands in front of her mouth. "Yeah, go Komi! Kick her sorry metal ass!"

I tap her on the shoulder. "Friend, we need you."

She twitches in realization. "Ah, right! What for?"

"Put your hands on the water cannon, both of you. Do the mana thing." I also channel some mana into it, for reasons… and I think I knew what to do, too!

"A-alright…" Namori cooperates.

"Can do!" Koi slaps her hands onto the cannon.

"Alright, on three, we slam it into the floor together, alright?" I propose.

They nod.

"One, two…"

We dive forward and slam it hard enough to dig into the earth a bit. I feel my channeled mana leave into the earth below…

"...What happened?" Namori asked, staring ahead.

I grin. "Progress."

Fwooo-uuuush!...Splaaash!

A large torrent of water rocketed out of the floor, albeit not entirely striking the bulldozer, only grazing it. The water falls back down, soaking Komi and the bulldozer. A rainbow hangs in the air where the large geyser was, before fading.

"I've been soaked in more blood than this!" roars the bulldozer, now annoyed, still tracking Komi.

Komi was surprised by the water, but the bulldozer's lethargic behavior compensated for her error, so she didn't get put into too much trouble.

I run over to Ha-chan, and take the taser's gloves from nearby. "Here, Ha-chan, today, you become the elite ops!" I slip the gloves on her, and immediately they start crackling with energy, making me jump away.

"Oooh~!" Ha-chan looks at the gloves delighted, and then hugs herself. "Ha-a-a-a-a-a-a~!"

Freakin'... "Yo, Ha-chan, that feels alot better if you hug someone who's wet! Like that tall person over there!" I point at the bulldozer.

Her eyes light up. "Yes, yes yes yes!" She raises from the floor, and dashes towards it. She leaps through Komi's danmaku smoothly, and glomps the bulldozer.

Za-zaaa~p...zazazz~aap!

"I feel so alive!" Ha-chan's voice echoes out of the bulldozer's speakers.

Pi~chun!

The fairy inside the armor is killed by the electricity, but the armor still stands, electricity crackling through it.

Thus, all three of the special operative fairies… were dead and gone. Well, they'd revive without their stuff, at any rate.

"Tch. Pitiful performance by them. They're all relieved of duty, as of right now." Sakuya clicks something on her watch. "Minutes was all it took. Pathetic. Unfit to serve the mistress."

I glare at her. "What is this, a nazi boot camp? You've gotta lighten up a little, miss missy!"

She sighs. "I guess… I have to fight you myself."

Oh, crap.

I immediately drop my water cannon, pocket Quake Bloomer, and pull out Swift Brand again.

She stops time, and everything goes grey… but while she's still faster than normal, I can move freely!

...I didn't want her to know, though. She calmly flew down, and started positioning and tossing knives at Komi and Ha-chan, pausing them mid-toss. She came towards me, and I stayed paused as if glaring up at her still. She walked by me, and stared at me, before passing me to move onto the other fairies, but…

I whirl around and try to smack her with Swift Brand, but she whirls around even quicker and blocks it.

"Oh, crap!" I yell. Her knives press against Swift Brand, and I buckle back a bit from the force.

Sakuya talks fast and kinda funny because of her speed advantage over me… guess I wasn't totally immune to time stop! "Curious how you gained a resistance to my time stop. But it doesn't matter because you still cannot beat me even in here."

...Her sentences had less pauses and I couldn't tell where commas were supposed to be! It was like a VCR set on fast forward, or a youtube poop!... and frik only knows how slow I sounded while talking slowly.

She quickly leapt back, and time resumed.

Pi~chun!

Pi~chun!

Komi and Ha-chan are dead!

I reach into my bag and start dragging out Quake Bloomer, letting the sack fall around it. I aim Swift Brand defensively and pre-emptively.

Pi~chun!

She spun, and Namori became a pin-cushion.

Pi~chun!

With one more twirl, Koi shared the same fate.

...And so all my comrades died without even getting a single line of dialogue out! Shiieeeuut!

"And now, you see…" Her knives glow… "...the difference between you and I." She sends a small barrage of danmaku knives forward, and I reflexively flinch my hand, and charge the hanger with mana.

Fwoosh!

A gust of air deflects the danmaku, and it barely misses me. I tossed Swift Brand to the floor as I slammed the floor with Quake Bloomer.

Fwoo…

Sakuya stood and let the earth symbol engulf her, and the comfy magic washed over her. Her eyes flickered, but in moments she looked just as determined as before.

"Hmph… I've had far, far tougher from Lady Patchouli and that thieving witch." Maybe this wasn't a good idea afterall!

She does smile warmly, though. "...It feels good, too. You're supposed to be fighting me, not giving me a magical massage."

I scratch the back of my head sheepishly. "Well, you see…" I kneel and reach into the sack; I had to have something that would save my ass!

I pulled out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber. "I'm gonna nuke ya, yo!"

Sakuya eyes it curiously. "The hanger of explosions, was it? That's no good if I don't engage, is it?"

Egh… "W-well, no, actually!"

Raising a brow, Sakuya prepares to toss knives. "You better dodge this."

Whish! They flew towards me, and I blocked what I could.

Boom!

I flew into the air from the blast, landing down approximately near where I was before, at least.

"Hahahah! I expected you to try, at the very least…" Sakuya laughs to herself.

I reach for the sack near me, and stick my hand in. Casting aside the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, I pull out Deep Blue, with Sharper Than Darkness linked onto it.

I clumsily untangle them and stand again, Sakuya patiently waiting for me to ready myself.

"Are you done yet?" she asks.

My speed and strength are boosted by the vengeful enchantments resonating in Sharper Than Darkness. I strike a pose… "Nah, give me a few more moments, I'd like to have a last meal… the last meal you'd be making, to be specific!"

She grins, and flips out her watch. "You mean the last meal I'd make for a certain dead man."

Time stops now, but I'm still moving. Sakuya flips into the air and sends a volley of danmaku knives down towards me which travel alarmingly fast. I spin around with Sharper than Darkness, parrying them all off.

Shing-Clang-Clack-Clang-Shing!

The knives shoot off my hanger, dissipating either on contact or after flying away for a moment or two. The maid lands a distance away, brushing her hair from her eyes.

I dive to the floor and slam Deep Blue into it, funneling mana into the floor.

"...Hmm, are you giv-"

Fwuuush!

A small geyser shoots up under Sakuya, propelling her into the air… where she stayed, using flight to keep herself up there.

"Tsk… you got me all wet. Unacceptable."

Lines of danmaku knives soared towards me, and I did what I could to stream them. A few struck my arms, forcing me to clench my teeth and keep myself from yelling.

"Hghh…"

I ran faster as a result, trying to close the distance between Sakuya and myself.

"Time's up." Sakuya clicks her watch, and at a moment's glance I notice the gleaming in the light all around myself. I start spinning like an asshole on the spot as time resumed.

Clink!...Cla-Kli-Shi-Cla-Cli-Kli-!

I spun around and around, a red circle forming around me as I spun, the knives being deflected mostly successfully. A good twenty or so still got in, but being danmaku it just beat me the fuck up instead of killing me on the spot.

"Holy… shit…" I gasp out, slouching.

"...I haven't used a single spellcard yet." Sakuya plainly stated.

...Dayum.

"Illusion Sign, Killer Doll." Uh-oh…

Time stopped again, and I saw her precariously position a circle of danmaku knives all around me. Um…

I raise my hand. "Can I get my things first?"

"No." she calmly replies, spinning around me, tossing storms of knives that froze in time when they reached the circle around me.

"...Will my stuff at least be kept tidily in a lost and found in the manor somewhere?" I really wanted this stuff!

"...Sure." Sakuya sighed, still positioning the knives.

"...What if I just walk-"

"Then they all go off." she answered immediately, still placing knives.

"...What's the difference?" I ask, furrowing my brows.

"None, really. You get more time if you let me place them, though." she explains.

I shrug, sitting down. "Works for me. You have any snacks?"

She shakes her head. "I'm already mid-time stop. How did you do that anyway?" She was referring to my ability to move in her time stops...

I gesture to my clothes. "Kaguya's clothes are time resistant, Reimu can make time wards. I guess at least around sixty-seventy percent resistance. If I had one hundred, your time stopping would literally be useless against me… although I couldn't do much about your crazy knife throwing skills."

Sakuya hums, barely audible over the swooshes of knives flying into position.

"How'd you get so good at knives, anyway?" I propose a question!

She responded rather reluctantly. "...Let's just say I had time to practice."

Pfft. "Yeah, time. And you criticise me for making bad puns…"

"...I suppose I've been a bit harsh lately." she admits.

I grin. "...Did the scarlet moon rise recently?"

I receive a glare in response. "No. Stupid pervert."

Shrug. "I tried."

She's finished positioning her knives. "This is gonna hurt. Lots."

With the spare time left from placing her knives, she tosses my sack to me, having placed all my plant hangers in it out of courtesy.

I kneel and stick my arms out. "Gott Mitt Uns, as we all stand united! All together…" I pull out a fluffle from the sack, and press it against my cheek.

"Gott Mitt Uns!"

Time resumes.

FAAAAAA-

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

 _I sit around a little picnic table with a variety of fluffles, and we all looked at a big cake with like three candles on it. Well, two and a half candles, to be precise. One of them had a bite taken out of it._

" _...!" The fluffles made indescribably excited grunts and wails as they waved their fins excitedly. One pushed the plate towards me._

 _I made a delighted face, and blew out the candles, and then the sun went out._

" _Waaaal!"_

 _The fluffles weren't having any of that!_

 _We all tried to bolt from the table, but I heard numerous fluffles fall over and go 'oof' in their many attempts to escape the table. I thought it'd be different for me… it wasn't._

" _Oof." I lied with my chin down on the grass floor. I looked to my right and saw a fluffle somehow fully lit despite the pitch-black darkness around me… and then it did a lunging headbutt at me!_

 _Fwoof!_

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I'm awake, I'm awake! Enough with the fucking fluffles!

I look around the room to find it freakin' dark. Well, that helps. I'm in a poofy bed of sorts, fully clothed.

...I then proceed to bounce the bed up and down, basking in its poofy nature.

"Yeeeheehaaahh!"

Bounce! Bounce! Bounce!

...and now I'm tired again…

A door opens, and in walks Patchouli.

"...I heard that racket from the other room. Just checking in to make sure Koakuma wasn't having her way with you, or something." With that, she closes the door before I could ask any questions.

My wig was taken off, but it's by the bedside anyway, interestingly. I'm also still dressed in the rest of Kaguya's stuffs.

I clamber out of the bed in the pitch black darkness and start feeling around like a maniac, looking for anything solid. I find solid things, but I don't know what kind of solid things! Suddenly, I feel the pressure leave my hand as I keep pushing.

Shatter!

...I broke something fragile. Their fault for leaving me in the literal dark!

The door opens again, and Remilia walks in. She looks to the shattered vase on the floor, as do I. My gaze shifts to her and I grin sheepishly.

"...It's dark!"

She facepalms. "Yes, I can see that…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The room now fully illuminated, I had gathered all my stuffs.

Remilia had her arms folded. "So, that's what happened…"

I lazily stretched, having finished generally explaining things to Remilia. Sakuya stood next to me, standing in a rather formal position with her hands together at her waist.

"...It was a long day." Sakuya decided, closing her eyes.

Remilia sighed. "I understand that, Sakuya, but sometimes… I feel like you need to have more fun, you know? How would I look as a mistress if my maid were moody and angry all the time…?"

Sakuya opened her eyes, looking away. "Well…"

"I've come to a decision." Remilia's eyes locked with her maid's. "You're going on a vacation."

Eyes widening, Sakuya stepped back. "B-but, mistress, the mansion still needs-"

"But nothing. This is an order, Sakuya." Resolutely, Remilia finalizes her command.

"...Yes, mistress." Sakuya reluctantly replies, bowing in acknowledgement.

Remilia turns to me. "And you're going to help her."

I nod… "Wait, wha~t!?"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Sakuya and I sat outside the manor's gate, lying flat on our asses. It was night now!

"Don't come back until you fulfilled your fun quota, you two!" Remilia cheerfully called from the gate, as it closed automatically. I assume magic did that…

"...Shieeeuut!" I yell out suddenly.

Sakuya looks at me curiously, before looking to the gate and trying to follow my example. "...S-sheeeet!" Good try, Sakuya…

We hear Meiling's snoring from her bed beside the gate, and Sakuya sighed. "...She had to take the day off. Building for awhile, now, you know."

I nod. "I wish I had a portable bed…" It'd be comfy! Sadly, beds don't fit in the sack; too big, and all… however…

I walk up to her bed, and pull the blanket off her, finding her sleeping in her normal clothes. Sleep-guarding!

I stuff the blanket into my sack, and Sakuya looks cross for a second. "That blanket belongs to the-"

"Quiet, Sakuya! I can't hear you over the sound of fun!" I exclaim, stuffing the rest of the blanket into my sack. I liked calling it a sack… even if bag, napsack, paddywhack, and jumpinjahoosawhatsits woulda fit aswell. Oh, and purse, maybe. Additionally, it was freakin' difficult to stuff a blanket into something that was always like plain cloth- the sack was always 'empty' on the outside.

Sakuya sighs, forcing a smile. "Right. Fun. I'm supposed to be having fun, aren't I?"

I shrug. "I dunno how to do that, yo. It just kinda happens to me." I get up and make my way towards the fluffle stand.

"hoh hoh hoh hoh… hoh! Waaal!" The fluffle was playing some kind of weird game with rocks and little block things, making these monkey-like noises before wailing, raising its fins into the air. What.

"...Hi, friend. Where were you in that last battle?" I asked. The fluffle was probably just passively observing!

"i was friendly" Yeah, okay.

"That's it, we're outta here!" I begin walking towards the lake, throwing my arms into the air.

Wordlessly, Sakuya follows behind me.

…

Coming upon the shore, I devise a plan!

"That's it yo, I shall show you how the fun is done!" I pull out that very same end table the wig was rested on earlier. I swiped it while Remilia was fetching Sakuya for our little discussion, which somehow took longer than instantly! I blame my time resistant clothing…

"...That looks like-"

"Nothing at all!" I exclaim, and I started pulling out plant hangers with which to turn this into a rocket table. Quake Bloomer, Flame Dispenser, Swift Brand…

"...Now it looks like a disaster." Sakuya decides, scowling at it.

"Oh, nonsense. It's perfectly safe." I state, straightening out my wig and walking onto the end table, which was more like a tiny table than one of those blocky ones. You all know the ones… I hope!

"...Define 'safe'." Sakuya shot back, folding her arms as I carefully positioned my plant hangers on the table.

"...Well, it gets us across the lake, for one thing!" I argue. "And… it will _probably_ be in one piece by the time we reach the other side!

Sakuya's eyes widen. "Probably?"

I grin. "Probably. Hop on, friend."

Sakuya steps onto the end table and crouches on it with me, and I bang Quake Bloomer with my fist a few times.

"...Quick adjustments, yo…" I explain, and then I channel mana to the hangers…

She nods her head skeptically, and then we're off!

"W-waah!" Sakuya clings onto the central post of the table as we rocket off across the lake, ice cold water splashing us as the table's top thankfully tilted so that it rocketed against the water and not _into_ the water, because if it did that we probably would have gotten freakin' owned… and possibly instantly wiped.

"For the Scarlet land!" I roared, pumping my fist into the air as we soared past various ice chunks. Up ahead, I saw a weird light in the middle of the lake…

Oh, right. Nitori's ship.

...We were heading straight for it, and Sakuya didn't realize it was a boat yet…!

"On our left we'll be seeing the sights and sounds of fluff and stuffs bay…" I mellowly stated, staring off into the not-so-dark night. Thank you, Gensokyian star palooza, for existing!

We were closing in on the boat. "...Ahead of us is a freakin' ship! We may or may not crash into it!" I yelled out, bracing myself against the pole with Sakuya.

"W-what!? I thought you said-"

Woosh!

We grazed the ship by the literal hem of the waves we ripped through, and I got to see the light-producing exterior of the ship briefly up-close as we passed it.

"...I thought you said we'd make it across without any hitches." Sakuya glared at me, upset.

"...I said in one piece, yo. Ho! Dreamin', don't give it up fluffy, dreamin! don't… give it up fluffy! And uh… dreaming, don't give it up fluffy? I forgot how that goes…" I really didn't, but I don't think she'd know who any of the characters in this reference are…

She stared at me warily. "...I'm starting to doubt my mistress' wisdom in this decision."

I put a hand to my mouth. "Oooh, don't let her hear you say that, or it's a month in the slammer yo! Dude, did you know where they imprison maids in Gensokyo, yo?"

She stares at me blankly. "...Jail, like any other prison?"

I stare at her vainly. "No, yo… they send you off to… _Genie school_! And then they teach you all two hundred of their… _genie rules_!"

Suddenly, we began skidding across land and through muddy patches left by the previous incident, but I was too busy engaging in character-building exercises to give a shit.

"...Genie school. For maids." Sakuya furrowed her brows skeptically.

"Yeah. Genie school. There's freakin two hundred genie rules, yo. Besides, isn't that how you get around, Sakuya? Don't you just hop on your magic carpet and fly around town?" I look at her with the most serious of looks on my face, struggling immensely.

"...I don't know who gave you your intel, but genies and maids are two totally different things." Sakuya stares ahead, warily eying the land we're ripping past. We begin to go up a rather steep incline…

"Well, you're a genie to me, yo, 'cause you've got…" I considered my options…

Magic eyes? Nah… Magic touch?...have I ever even felt her touch?... Magic pads? Just kidding…

"...the magic eyes of padded touching! It's like they magically touch my soul, yo!" If one doesn't seem to work, try them all!

Sakuya raises a brow, and smirks. "Should I tell Hana you said that?"

Infact… "Yes, tell her all the details! Every single one of them! Tell her we had kinky roleplay sex behind the-"

Crash!

We had slammed into the Hakurei Shrine, and soared through a wall.

"Oh, shit!" I suddenly yelled. Paper walls do not bode well for this shrine!

We soared past Reimu, and in passing, Reimu's kotatsu joined our tablecraft, and then we promptly soared out of the next incoming wall.

Reimu idly stared at nothing, before turning to the new hole in her wall. "...What the fuck."

We were then airborne, the sides of the blanket serving as makeshift wings for our new flying machine as we sailed off the ground, the steep geometry of the shrine hillside forcing us to take to the skies.

"...Are you having fun yet?" I grinned at Sakuya.

"I think we're going to die if we remain on this thing!" she yells back, arms wrapped around the post with ferocity sparked anew by our craft having achieved airborne status.

"Ahhh, nonsense. You can both stop time and fly! If this crashes, I'm probably going to explode in a fountain of flames because of ol' Flame Dispenser there!" I justified the flight!

Sakuya blinked. "...Well, you're right, but if this hits anything suddenly, mistress will be displeased with the following medical or funeral bills, depending."

I shrug, smiling into the distance as we rocket towards the human village, somehow gaining speed as we flew over trees and assorted things on our way along the side of the path to the village.

Guards stared up from the illuminated walls of the human village as an orange, flaming light flew in the distance, getting closer. Before long it had gained on the villages outer walls…

George looked up from his gateside post, before beaming with determination. "Whatever that is, I'm gonna shoot it down! I'm gonna shoot this one, this time! I'm gonna do it!"

He ran inside, opening the gate, aiming his bow towards the section of wall we'd collide with…

Smash!

Through the wall flew the kotatsu-end table combination, and George fired a rather spot-on arrow…

Thunk!

Sakuya's eyes widened as an arrow stuck through the kotatsu board, and I grinned.

"We've got aerodynamics now, yo!" I grabbed onto the arrow shaft, and starting exerting force on it. Tugging, pushing, and fiddling with it achieved results in making the craft move in subtly different directions.

Smash!

We soared through the upper section of wooden walling at the other edge of the village.

Keine stared at the exchange with slight alarm, but as it left the village, she decided it wasn't worth investigating further. She then resumed prowling the night for any suspicious persons, her paranoia acting up…

Sakuya looked back at the village behind us. "We're going to attract unwanted attention at this rate…"

I smile. "Even better!"

We quickly came towards another hillside, and our craft had lost surprisingly little altitude as we rocketed towards the side, and clung to the slope. Reaching the top, we shot through a wooden wall.

Suddenly, she glared at me. "Just what was that about roleplay se-"

Blam!

Kyouko jumped, looking up from her sweeping as the wall next to the front entrance was torn asunder by a mysterious rocketing object.

"An~d… now!"

Byakuren thrust her arms forward, demonstrating an amateurish enchantment magic technique, trying to enchant the wooden post before her. However, fate had different plans as a wooden craft soared by instead, intercepting the magic and soaring off with it.

Stormy stared at the flying hunk of junk as it passed. "...I don't know if I can cast a spell like that, Hijiri."

Suddenly, we began to gain speed as our craft glowed rainbow colors, magical particles being left behind as we jetted past the side of the temple and through the back walling of the cemetery behind it.

Crack! Wood flew from the thin walling as we rocketed through it, now arcing up into the sky...

"This is now a legendary air ride machine!" I exclaimed, as we quickly took off into an unknown outlying portion of Gensokyo. If I remember correctly, this is where the river Sanzu should be somewhere below us…

I look down, and I'm right! "Let's not do that!" I don't feel like dealing with whatever's over there right now, and if it's the river Sanzu, it probably has some kind of anti-whatever's-not-a-ferryman gimmick or something!

I take hold of the arrow, and the craft does a U-turn surprisingly well.

"...Huh." Enchantments are great!

We soar in the sky over Gensokyo, picking up speed…

"This is insane…!" Sakuya disbelievingly looks around as we sail straight over the Myouren Temple…

"We're going to win so many drag races with this baby!" I exclaim, merrily giggling as we soar over the human village…

Reimu stares at the night sky with silent fury, standing vigil for her fallen kotatsu. Suddenly, a rainbow, technicolor arrow shoots through the sky, rambunctious laughter echoing off it.

Marisa, who was on her way to Reimu's for a place to board because waterlogged pavilions do not a home make, paused as she saw the rainbow rocket soar across the sky.

"Ooh, a race it is, then!" Marisa pointed her mini-hakkero behind her…

I felt the wind slam my face as I stared over the kotatsu board, our speed gaining as we rocketed over the Misty Lake…

Cirno looked out from her little igloo home, seeing a rainbow comet rocket across the sky.

"A shooting star came for me! Thank you, sky!" Cirno saluted the night sky.

Vrrrrrrr…!

The hum of a master spark echoed across the lake, as a certain witch started to gain momentum from the hefty laser.

"This is the mighty comet of stars!" I merrily yell from the wooden air ride machine.

"What the hell's even going on…" Sakuya's arms and legs are totally tangled around the pole, as being flung from this craft's not a high priority of hers.

We flew past the Scarlet Devil Mansion, a line of light in our wake.

Flandre pointed from atop the temporary roof of the manor. "Look, Remi! A shooting star!"

Remilia furrows her brows. "That's a ridiculous shooting star. What one moves like that? It's almost as if that one was inside the barrier itself…"

At that prospect, Flandre's eyes light up. "I'm gonna go catch it, then!"

With that, Flandre takes off into the night.

Remilia shrugs. "As long as she's back before dawn…"

Her eyes shoot to the sky as a rather flashy Master Spark sends a witch twirling across the night sky, picking up speed as it slowly gained on the arrow of rainbows above.

"...She might not be back before dawn." Remilia sighed.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Sakuya stared at the ground below us, unable to make out many features due to our blazing speed. "How fast is this even going!?"

"I have no idea!" I shout back, beaming.

Suddenly, a surprise guest appearance! "Yay, I caught up to the shooting star!"

Flandre floated overhead, looking down at us.

"...Sakuya?" she blinked.

"...Hi." Sakuya waved nervously.

"Hey, Flandre! Think you can make this go any faster!?" I asked. This was just too good to not keep rolling…!

"Yeah! Let's do it!" Flandre boarded the craft and stood on the edge of the end table, and she took out Laevateinn.

Oh, boy! That gives me an idea…

"Just stack your sword on the plant hangers that are also bound to the table!" I requested. "Also, charge 'em with mana!" My mana reserves weren't that great, and you can bet that was fueling my hysteric glee at this moment!

"Can do!" Flandre beamed, putting her hands to the mass of weapons, and then…

FWOOM

"Holy shit!" We took off into the night sky at ludicrous speed!

"O-oh, dear…" Sakuya looked a little worse for wear there!

"Yay!" Flandre happily cheered, as immense flames, wind, and earthy spell circles were erected behind us, the magical effects of the hangers going wild due to the absurd amount of mana being poured in by the little vampire.

...

Marisa pouted as she started to lose distance between herself and the light… "Aww, c'mon, c'mon! I need more speed...!"

Her master spark finally fizzled out, but she didn't retract her mini-hakkero.

"Loving Heart! Double Spark!"

Vrrrrrrr~!

"Waahooo~!" Marisa gleefully shouted, soaring into the distance with double the velocity she had before.

We continued going off into the unknown lands behind the Scarlet Devil mansion, passing over a field of unknown flowers within a few moments. We then passed over more and more featureless forestry…

"...How much Gensokyo even is there!?" I question.

Quickly, the sky and features around us all blur momentarily, the world becoming distorted around us.

A gap opens next to us, and Yukari leans out lazily, wind whipping her hair. "You'll have to do better than that. The Hakurei Border is nothing like the sound barrier, you know…" With a final wink, the blur around us fades, and we find Yukari gone and the world back to normal, no more visual distortions present.

I scratch the back of my head. "...Huh."

I look down only to see trees with blood red flowers marring the greyish landscape.

"Where the hell did we end up, exactly…?" I question, bringing the craft a little lower to inspect the grounds…

Crash! The craft effortlessly smashed through a wall ahead I didn't even see coming!

We rip across a courtroom, papers and shouting coming from behind us, but I don't bother to find out what they're about as we-

Krakoom!

-smash through the wall again, exiting.

I'd stick my arms up in excitement… but I'm pretty sure if I did, something would blow 'em the hell away! "Woohoo!"

"Holy crap…" Sakuya doesn't know what to think about her day off anymore!

"Yeaaah!" Flandre's having fun, to be certain!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Marisa pouted, coming up to the Hakurei Border. "Where the hell did that thing go, ze…?"

Her dual sparks faded out, and she resolved to glare at the border. "I know it takes more than that for this thing to let people pass…" Marisa seemed to stare ahead at nothing visibly, but she could sense the immense mana output of the barrier.

"...Maybe I'll see it again." Marisa decided, heading home slowly.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We neared a boat, near a river!

"...Haaahhh, I wonder if I should hit the human village for some fine spirits after this shift…" Komachi Onozuka stretched, idly muttering to herself.

"...I wonder? I know I'll hit the human village next! Hahahah!" She then aptly laughed at her own humor. She stepped onto her boat, and put her hands up like a pretend-photographer, presumably beginning to manipulate the distance across the river Sanzu...

Suddenly, her boat was swept away by a rainbow comet. It flew right up from abso-fuckin'-lutely nowhere, into her boat, and took off with it. Her included.

"What!?" Komachi fell backwards onto the boat as we rocketed across the waves.

She looked up from the boat at me.

"Hi, friend." I waved my hand gingerly.

"...Hey." Komachi rubbed the back of her head. "...What the hell's goin' on here?"

I shrug. "Friends."

"Okay." Komachi opts to lie down on the battered floor of the boat.

...A good few minutes later, we were still on the river…

"...So how was everyone's day…?" I ask, sitting with my legs bunched on the end table.

"...Just peachy. My maids got beat up, and now I'm on… I'm on… an excursion." Sakuya rests her head against the pole of the table.

"Great!" Flandre exclaims, smiling.

"...I could go for a drink right about now…" Komachi admitted.

...Bam!

"Waah!"

We reached the other side of the river, and as we shot off the boat, we flung it over onto the shore, Komachi meeting the wooden boards of the pier as the boat was flipped onto the dirt ahead.

"Sorry!" I yelled, but by the time I got to the end of the word, we were halfway to the buddhist temple again...

Speaking of, we just passed it! The trees are normal on the not-dead land side, by the way.

"Mistress! God! Someone! Get me off this crazy thing!" Sakuya yelled, eyes wide as she registered the speed we had attained.

Passing the human village, I grinned. "I have a need for speed, Sakuya! It cannot be quenched!"

Halfway to the Hakurei Shrine, I force the craft to turn and make towards the bamboo forest instead.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Kaguya and Mokou sat around a TV, playing Smash 4 on the Wii U.

"Come the fuck on!" Mokou had nearly assembled the Dragoon parts, but Kaguya knocked one off of her.

Kaguya grinned, and made a haughty declaration. "The sacred machine belongs to me! It's simply history repeating itself, you see-"

Crash!

"Aaaah!"

Bam!

Kaguya was promptly swept away by a glowing air ride machine, controller swirling in the air from where she was abducted.

Pausing, Mokou stared at the new holes in the wall, then at the controller on the floor, and patted the minor scorches off her outfit. Looking back at the screen, she then beat up Kaguya's character, took the Dragoon parts and used them on her.

"History doesn't repeat itself… it rhymes. Which means this is my verse now, bitch!"

Mokou nodded to herself in satisfaction, even if no one heard her say it. Good on you!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Hello, friend!" I looked at the front of the rainbow craft to see Kaguya caught on it.

I ducked back beneath the blanket as we roared through the bamboo trees again.

Thik-Thak-Thwap-Thwap-Thak-Thak-Thik, fwoosh!

The leaves of the bamboo trees rustled as the legendary air ride machine exited the dense foliage, multiple trees cleaved apart by the impact of the rainbow ride, meanwhile those grazed or missed by it were ignited by the trail of violence propelling it.

Now that we were out of the forest, I grabbed a battered Kaguya from the front hood and pulled her onto the end table, which was now rather crowded.

I stare her in the eyes. "Hey, I'm you. Tough day, huh?"

She dizzily locks her gaze on me- as well as she can, anyway- and smiles. "Fun day…"

I turn to Sakuya, who's still adamantly clung to the center, not paying attention to our exchange. "Friend, keep Kaguya from flying off to a death in the great aether of Gensokyo!"

I set Kaguya down on the 'floor'- as much of a floor the underside of a table top can be anyway- and make sure she can be grabbed by Sakuya. Complying with my request, the maid latches one hand on Kaguya. Probably wouldn't save her if we made an abrupt movement, bu~t…

"W-what happened…" Kaguya regained her senses!

"You just got smashed, friend." I stated with sudden melancholy, frowning at her.

Her eyes run across my attire. "B-Brad? What the hell are you wearing!?"

I roll my eyes to myself. Right, lunar princess getup… "Brad? I'm you! Whadd're you, fookin' stoopid!?" I thrust my head forward with my exclamation, tilting it slightly for effect!

"...Why not." Kaguya opted to lie down and stare at the whirling night sky above… as well as one could lie down on a little end table anyway.

Man, this thing was crowded!

She tried to curl up around the pole instead, but Sakuya made that extremely inconvenient by existing, so she opted to cling to Sakuya instead.

"...This has to be the single strangest goddamn dream I've had in awhile. It feels so real, too…"

Kaguya has re-lost her senses!

...Oh, yeah. Where the hell were we, anyway…?

I look off the edge, finding a blur of colors under us. Idea! "Hey, Kaguya…"

"Hmm?" She lazily looks at me from her precarious posture around Sakuya.

"Put your hand on the plant hangers and channel your mana!" This'll be good…!

"Sure, why not." Kaguya does as asked…

BLAM

I don't even know how fast we're going anymore… but I think we broke something related to speed. All around us is a tunnel of lights and colors, features of the world around us lost to the speed. An occasional murky blur wash over the craft every couple moments, which was presumably us looping across the Hakurei Border again and again and again…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Marisa spun in place as a streak of light nearly clipped her side.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Reimu looked up from her shrine to see a streak of rainbow light illuminate the evening sky, stretching from each end of the Hakurei Border.

"What the hell…?"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Remilia sighed, staring at the huge line of light forming in the sky. "Flandre, I let you out for one night. One night! You had one job!"

She threw her hat on the floor and stomped back into the manor-esque house that currently stood, numerous hallway outshoots in construction as the night transpired.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Byakuren laughed sheepishly, staring at the line of light in the sky.

"...No harm could come from such simple enchantment practice, you said. What the hell kind of 'amatuer-level' enchantment were you teaching me!?" Stormy irately turned to Byakuren.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I need more spee~d!

"Wooohooo~!" I exclaimed, giddily staring into the tunnel of blurry stuff and things.

"W-what the hell's happening!?" Sakuya pulls out her watch. "That's it, this is over! I'm stopping this!" She taps her watch repeatedly, and nothing happens. "...W-what…"

For one thing, both me and Kaguya were here, and for another, I don't think going this fast did any favors for time and space…!

Although suddenly, everything came to a stop. We weren't thrown off, time didn't stop. We just… stopped.

"...Heeey!" I banged my hands on the suddenly still blanket, which went limp and hung from the craft as it sat in midair.

I looked behind us, to see the hangers were still being fed mana; the weapon-forged engine roared as Flandre tried blowing on it to make it go, and Kaguya seemed to be asleep as she held onto it… although a huge stream of magical violence was emitted behind it.

Ahead of us, Yukari hangs upside-down out of a gap.

"Oh, my~!" She twirls out a fan, rolling it along the back of her hand before truly grasping it, and unfolding it over her face. "What might you four be doing on a fine night like this?"

I tug at the blanket. "Need speed! More speed! Speed! Speeheeheed!"

Yukari stares at me blankly for a few moments, before continuing. "A~nyway… I'm afraid you've broken the Gensokyo speed limit!"

I furrow my brows. "You're making that up."

She shrugs. "Well… yes. But!" Before I can protest, she sticks out a finger. "If you keep going as fast as you are, chances are you'll gain enough speed to break out of the Hakurei Barrier, out of Earth's atmosphere, and into space. Also, heat from the speed will apply outside, so you would probably explode in a ball of fire before you got anywhere."

Man, reality was bunk! "Shieeut."

Smiling, she tilts her head. "Glad you see things my way. I'll be sending you four back to the floor now. Tootaloo~..." Into a gap she went!

Wait…

Suddenly, we plummeted!

"Fuck yo~u!" I jumped onto the final parts of the craft as they fell, trying desperately to retain as much height as possible, but when I ran out of things to jump on, I was forced to fall!

...and then Sakuya grabbed me by the waist.

"...Good effort. I'm sure you would have gotten somewhere had you had one more platform." Sakuya sarcastically replied. I could feel her smirk…!

"Oh, sod off… Yukari's such a buzzkill…" I folded my arms, pouting.

"You want me to go away? Sure." I was dropped.

"Oh, shit!" Sakuya, you fuck! Jesus, shit! Help! Waaaaauu-

Sakuya grabbed me by the waist again. "Hi."

"Hello, friend." I replied, heart racing. Freakin'... yo!

"Should I still 'sod off', as you put it?" You win this time…

Reluctantly, I reply… "...Nah, I think I'm cool."

A friend floats up to us! "Hello!" It's Flandre!

I'm tempted to call her "flanders" but I might get beat the fuck up for doing that. Maybe sometime… "Hello, Flandre!"

I look down. "Where, uh…"

"It's that magical forest we went camping in!" Flandre beamed. "That was a fun time, even if it rained the next day…"

I looked around for Kaguya, but I assumed she fell to her death or something. She'd get better anyway…

I look down, and it does look like a forest! I see the glowy particles, so I also know it's a magic forest!... meaning it's probably _the_ Magic Forest.

Time to go knock-knock-knockin' on some magician's doors!... after I picked up all my plant hangers from the floor, of course… and Flandre's Lavavavateava… Lavateinaina… I mean her giant explodey sword!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Oh, we found Kaguya in a blood puddle on the floor, by the way, but she seemed fine enough to carry. I mean… 'stuff' was sticking out, but I'm sure she'd be fine…

I knock on Alice's door, and she opens it.

"At this hour? Who…"

I grin, holding the mangled corpse of the real Kaguya with Flandre and Sakuya behind me.

"Hi, friend. I'm fluffy." I am ace negotiator.

"..." The door shuts in our face.

"Classy." Sakuya adds.

"I'd like to have seen you do better!" I retort.

…

Sakuya stands at the door this time, and knocks.

Alice responds, opening it a crack! "...Yes?"

"...Pardon my intrusion, but my company and I require shelter for the evening. May we be so inclined as to-"

"Sorry, but I don't think my water-ravaged house can take two lunatics, a vampire, and her maid. Sorry again." The door softly shuts.

"..." Sakuya sighed.

I grin. "We have a plan C… or should I say…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Flandre held Kaguya's mangled form by its shoulders, her bent head facing the door.

Sakuya held the torso, arms wrapped up by some magic vines and random shit we found on the forest floor.

I held Kaguya's legs, an easy task because her skirt made it easy to bundle them up.

"Alright, on the count of three…" I held up a hand…

"One." I call out.

"Two…" Sakuya grasps Kaguya's torso tightly.

Flandre beams. "Three!"

"Cha~rge!" I roar, and Flandre runs forward at insane speed, sending me and Sakuya skidding to the floor, and I fall on the maid. Proceeding to the door, Flandre ran straight through it with Kaguya as a battering ram, before using the rest of her own body to cleave apart the door without hesitation. She continued into Alice's house, discarding Kaguya and opting to run through the table ahead, and finally through the back wall.

"...What have you done!?" Alice screams, hands to her head.

I clumsily roll to the side as Sakuya shoots up from under me, and I push myself to abruptly rise myself.

Dolls emerge from many parts unknown! Oh, shit!

I pull out Quake Bloomer. "Sakuya, we've got company!"

She sighed. "I just seem to be getting in more trouble today… Very well…"

Time stop!... and I can move!

Sakuya spun around through the air, knives hurtling towards numerous Shanghai dolls that had emerged. I took to casually walk up behind Alice and prose myself, ready to cast that earthy spell on her.

Time resumes, and I hear violence outside the house.

"The nerve of those…"

Fwoo…

Alice twirls around, expression flaring… before it softens.

"W-what is this…"

Fwoo…

Keep casting it! Make her tired for nine turns, it'll reduce her accuracy to shit, or something!

"A-ah…" Late night plus tired equals oof!

The force effect of the circles forces Alice to her knees as her eyes flutter dreamily.

Fwoo…

"A...ah…"

Thud.

Alice is sound asleep, having collapsed onto the floor. The dolls nearby don't entirely cease attacking Sakuya, but they become far weaker in terms of strategy, and others become entirely passive or attack the air. Interesting how they operate even with Alice out of commision, albeit poorly!

I stretch. "We did it, friends!"

Flandre ran into the house, breaking another wall open. "Oh, yeah!"

I grin awkwardly. Maybe Sakuya was right about that Kool-Aid not being good for Flandre…

Sakuya walks in, smirking. "It's actually pretty amusing to watch the dolls mill about like that."

Making for the door to the bedrooms, I open it with haste. "I call the beds! You guys get to sleep on tables and things this time! The bed's all- oh right, this place had guest beds."

Sakuya snorted. "That's a good thing, then. Otherwise, I'd have had to forcibly seize it. While you slept, even."

I grin. "Define… forci-"

Before I could make any lewd puns, I was interrupted! "I mean you'd be riddled with knives and your body would be dumped on Houraisan's."

"Dawww…" Fluffy days…

…I lifted the mangled corpse of Kaguya off the floor, and placed it on a counter. I went through one of Alice's drawers and found some paper, and an ink quill pen. "Where the frik do they keep the bottles for these…"

"Here." Sakuya stopped time, and started going through shelves.

"...I can still uh, you know…" I don't mean to burst her bubble there…

Her head jerks up. "O-oh, right. Time immunity. Somehow."

Time resumed, and she continued digging through drawers. Eventually, she found me the ink bottle and opened it.

"Thanks, Sakuya." I grabbed it, dipped the pen sloppily and took it out, some ink spilling onto the paper. I then wrote "FOR SALE" on the paper, and left it on Kaguya.

"Rest in peace, yo." Nothin' respected the dead better than when their corpse was half off at the bargain bin!

Knock, knock, knock.

There was a knock at the door!

"Ooh, friends!" I reply, making for the door.

"Who could possibly be here at this hour?" Sakuya questioned, eyebrow raised.

I grin at her. "A maid, two lunar lunatics, and a vampire."

"Fair point..." she folded her arms.

Knock! Knock!

"Yo, I'm coming! Hold yah bloody horses!" When did we even close the door!? I blame Sakuya's maid senses.

I open the door, to find Orin Kaenbyou with a hungry, cat-like expression!

Her eyes light up before she replies. "Did somebody say sale!?"

I wince at the sudden energy this late in the evening, and take my time to reply. "...You see, she revives, it's that lunar princess."

"Con artist." Orin immediately whirls her cat cart around. The stench…! How much dead shit's in that thing!? Oh, crap…

I close the door and stumble backwards.

"Who was it?" Sakuya asks.

"A freakin' door to door salesman, that's who. Wanted to buy our immortal princess corpse, and I was like 'we don't have any'."

She nods her head slowly. "Ah…" ...before turning to me again. "Really? This late?"

I shrug. "Girl scouts these days, yo. Makin' cookies outta dead immortal princesses, I'll tell ya… they don't teach them kids like they used to."

I walk into Alice's room, only to meet SUPER SMASH DOLLS, MELEEEEE~! Dolls flew back and forth through the room, randomly attacking things and each other!

"..." I close the door to Alice's room slowly. "...Can I crash with you guys for the night?"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Alice, why did you only buy two guest beds!?

"...They're freakin wet and smell weird, too!" I exclaimed.

Flandre took a sniff. "...Eeew…" She backed away, flailing her arms to dispel the smell.

Hmmmm… Oi!

I take out the blanket I stole from Meiling, and hand it to Flandre. "That'll be one component to our solution!"

She tilts her head. "Whah…?"

I walk over to the thrashed bed… I have an idea!

I run into Alice's room across the house, and charge through the great doll war, mumbling a little ditty to myself like a madman. "Doot doo doo, da doo doot do do, do do do da _do_!"

...It was like a horrible midi version of the Olympus Coliseum theme from Kingdom Hearts!

I ducked as lances soared overhead, diamond danmaku of all colors haphazardly flying around the room without rhyme or reason. I dove for the bed, and hid under it. "I'm as snug as a cuddle bug, under a cuddle rug!"

The bed was a little seared and punctured, but otherwise fluffy, so…

I slowly edged the bed off the frame and slid it onto my back, and I used it as a shield with which to progress to the door once more. Once safely outside, I threw the mattress off me and slammed the door shut.

"Alright, phase one complete!" I pumped my fist into the air before quickly making to the mattress once more, and continuing to drag it into the guest room.

Flandre and Sakuya stare at me drag the lylat mattress in. "I found a bed! It was for sale at the Home Depot!"

Sakuya rose her brow. "The what?"

I kicked the old mattress off, and placed the new one onto the trashed frame. Hey, yo, only the cushy thing needed to be fine…

I took the blanket from Flandre and lazily threw it onto the bed, covering half of it. "Heyo."

Sakuya stares at me critically. "...You do realize that's only one of three needed beds, right?"

I blankly stare back. "Ahah… we're sharing."

"No. On the floor, you." Sakuya makes for the bed…

"No way! Yo, the floor's all dirty and stuff!" It was! Help, no!... we never did find Reimu's kotatsu blanket… I assume some forest fairies took off with it and made freakin' ribbons out of it or something…

"Mistress and I are not sleeping anywhere else, and you need your beauty sleep the least of us." Yo, no!

"Yo yo yo, you know how little sleep I get? My back's gonna like, explode if I sleep somewhere else tonight!" ...It probably would, all things considered! Just a big freakin' mushroom cloud, yo. Kaboom! Kablaahahaaam!

She sighs, folding her arms. "Fine. But I will be between you and the little mistress, so that nothing inappropriate were to befall her. Surely, your life would be forfeit if anything indecent were to happen to either of us."

I shrug. "Even a stiff sleeping posture's better than the floor!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...As I lie on the ve~ry right edge of the bed with Sakuya glaring daggers at my back, presumably having actual daggers pointed at my back, I think about totally irrelevant topics… like what if a character in a fanfic spoke as clumsily as they did in real life? Like yo, seventy-five percent more of my conversations would be like "say what again" or "could you repeat that". For beings based around communication, we can very easily suck at communication!

The room's completely dark now, and I stare into the soul-crushing, teeth-gnashing, spine-twisting, toe-crushing… wait, I already used crushing. Anyway, it was cold, and wet, and sad!

...alright I'm all tuckered out now yo…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 15

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes due to an upgrade. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. After an enchanted sunflower was tacked on, it gained the ability to allow casting of Gaia Seed.

INVENTORY:

Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Dispenser - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Upgraded to have a nozzle with which the weapon can be utilized as a flame thrower with.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Due to a dark amulet upgrade, it may be used to cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. When highly charged with buffs, the scythe can even inflict instantaneous death upon certain enemies who are not inherently immune to dark elemental things; although it's general consensus that instant death is ineffective against anyone of any real power, as they'd probably resist the effects.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Marks the wielder for death, dropping instant death resistance to zero and forces them to take 25% increased damage from all sources, but Flandre wasn't aware of the negatives when she created it. Different from the dark-elemental hanger in that this converts missing health into pure speed and none into power, and the increased damage isn't as punishing.

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

PARTY:

Flandre Scarlet, the Sister Of the Devil - The little mistress of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. Five years the junior of Remilia, and marginally more childish. Being locked up for a number of years probably doesn't help the whole "world experience" thing… Marginally more resistant to vampiric weaknesses than her sister, and overall more powerful in general.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Laevateinn, a giant exploding sword of explosions and exploding! Pain!

Sakuya Izayoi, the Perfect and Elegant Maid - Questionably ordinary human, who happens to have a collection of silver knives from her past experiences, and just so happens to be really skilled with them. Also has the ability to halt time, thanks to a watch of hers. I wonder…

PRIMARY WEAPON: Silver knives: My stock-standard knives, especially effective against youkai and undead. Holy in nature. 

INVENTORY: Crimson Jazz knives: Jagged, incendiary knives made of red and crimson. Mostly identical aside from design, but not as effective against youkai. They probably hate burning alive more than silver, though…

Blue Rhapsody knives: Blue and silver metal are the materials of these knives. They constantly drip, and get everything wet. Freakin' soggy!

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

a rather slowly written chapter… it also didn't help how i got a cold which freakin' beat me up

aside from that, just haven't felt like writing as much recently, but i am crawling along so E.

maybe when i'm bored i'll be able to channel that into writing energy

...that freakin air ride machine though yo .w.

as always, see you all next time!


	18. Sakyakuyasakuyakuya

(in which we ransack a puppeteer's house)

I am still in the bed upon awakening! Good morning, world!

Opening my eyes, I find myself embraced by a person! I suspect it to be Sakuya, but upon turning my head…

"...Maaaauuu…"

Ech!

Ha-chan's eyes flutter open, and she smiles at me. "Brad-ku~n…"

Sakuya sits up in the bed, and abruptly stretches, pushing Ha-chan and I off the bed and onto the floor.

"Waaugh! The floor's freakin soggy still~!" I wail from the floor.

"A-ah…" Ha-chan untangles herself from me and maneuvers her way into standing, trying to get away from the dirty floor. Freakin' water-damaged floor, yo…

Flandre was still sleeping like a rock, the bit of blanket she grasped onto not moving an inch despite the numerous activities going on that should have done something about that.

Sakuya stops time as she gets out of bed, and I take that moment to rise from the floor. "Hyonk."

She jumps, shooting her gaze to me for a moment. "...Oh, right. Forgot you could do that."

I grin. "I'm fluffy."

Dusting herself off, the maid resumed time. Ha-chan jumped as I had suddenly skipped ahead. "W-wawah!?"

I pat her on the shoulder. "Ha-chan, baby, yer laggin'! You need to upgrade to a broadband connection, sweetie!"

She tilts her head, even more confused.

My part in the explanations done, I make my way into the main room of the house.

Alice is seated at the absent space where her table used to be, arms folded with a cross expression on her face. "I would like a very good reason why I shouldn't kick you all out by force right now."

I pointed to the bedroom. "Flandre."

Alice blanched. "O-oh, she's in there with you, is she?"

I nod. "Didn't you see her the other night?"

She shook her head. "I don't remember much, but I remember you and Sakuya knocking on the door and asking to enter."

I take a seat at the pretend-table. I notice Kaguya's also seated here! "Hello, me!"

She'd been glaring at me the entire time… "Why do you have my clothes on? And who the hell made you that wig?"

Alice sheepishly smiled. "Ah… I had reasons, you see…"

Kaguya rolled her eyes. "Sure. Su~re!"

She turned back to me. "Do you find that much pleasure being me…?"

Sakuya walks in, Ha-chan and Flandre behind her. "Morning."

I nod my head delightedly. "Yes, Sakuya! It's morning~! You can tell the time!"

A knife whirls by my head. "Don't push it."

"Oh, I'm pushin' it, Sakuya! I'm pushin' it, alright!" I start pushing the pretend-table.

"..." Sakuya slowly closes her eyes, and sighs deeply.

I pause for a moment, and tilt my head. "Lighten up, yo. Your silver hair'll turn freakin' grey if you keep worrying so much."

"Y-yeah! Take it from me, Chief! Having fun is fun!" Ha-chan added debatably helpfully.

"Get a 3DS." Kaguya suggested.

"...Find a hobby?" Alice put out there.

"When did this become a group counseling session?" Sakuya asked, slightly irritated.

I put my hands on my face and pouted exaggeratedly. "When you became a big negative~ nancy~ yo…"

I sit with my fists digging into my cheeks, staring at Sakuya, and she stares back with a straight face. Soon, it develops into a staring contest!

…

"...Are you guys okay?" Flandre waved her hand between our vision.

"We are in the duel of duels, Flandre. I must win this, and they will let my people go. If I fail, I will be cast to the _wibble realm_! Oh, shit! Aaaah, aaaahhh!" I start yelling, eyes still locked on Sakuya's.

"W-what? Oh, no! Aaahhh!" Flandre starts yelling.

"What!? M-m-mistress!? Calm down! C-calm… Aaaahhh!" Ha-chan makes for Flandre, but starts yelling too.

"..." Alice stares vainfully at the unfolding scene, allowing her eyes to close as she rubbed her temples.

"...What the fuck even happened? Who the hell are you people!?" Kaguya gave us all a funny look, halfway between amusement and bewilderment.

At that, Sakuya suppressed a chuckle.

"Hah!" I stand up and point at Sakuya. "You have dared to become amused!"

"No- well… no!" Sakuya turned away, huffing. "It was just…"

Sakuya stops time, and takes a deep breath. I stood still, and I assumed she was working out what to do from here...

"...That still doesn't work, you know!" I sprung from my still position!

"O-oh, christ…" Sakuya jerks back in her chair.

"...This is unique." I hear Kaguya active behind me. I assume she's got the passive time resist too!

Sakuya furrows her brows at Kaguya, but dismisses whatever she was thinking, shaking her head. Time resumes!

"I have cornered you, maid of time and space time time!" I pointed at her.

Sakuya paused briefly at my exclamation, but continued. "Have not! You're just blowing things out of proportion!"

Alice raises a brow. "This conversation had proportions?"

I turn to her, acting offended. "...You dare?"

She stares at me.

"...You dare to disgrace the sacred art… of the conversational language!?"

Alice smirks, expecting me to elaborate. I think she knew already…

"I'll have you know a conversation has not only proportions, but possibilities! Pastries! Polarization! Chiefs of staff! Executive… somethings!" I raise my hands grandiosely.

"...Now you're trying too hard." Sakuya, please…

"I dunno, it was okay." Alice shrugged.

Flandre giggled. "It was funny!" I have appealed to a child audience!... well, centuries-old vampire audience. Not like there was a big difference!

Kaguya was completely uninvested. "I'm bored."

I stick out my hand and walk up to her in a glad manner. "Hey, bored. Nice to meet ya!"

Sakuya snorted. "Maybe we should go before you kill someone with your horrible jokes."

Kaguya looked like she wanted to rest her arms and head on a table, but the table was still gone. Not like it'd put itself back together and come walking back in…

A table floated through the gap in the wall it exited through, Alice making hand motions as legs of the table met with the top and dolls floated up to use their lances as makeshift nails for it. Like so, she fixed the table up nicely and sat it down where it should be.

"...It works." Alice justified its appearance.

I shrug. "Snazzy enough."

…"Aaaahhh!" Ha-chan resumes yelling.

"Shut up, you." Sakuya commands her maid.

"Y-yes sir, yes! I mean, sir yes… sir?" Ha-chan furrowed her brows as she tried to remember the order.

"Don't even try. It's chief, I'm not a male. Call me chief." Sakuya begun to glare at her.

"...Sir- oh, no! I mean…"

I slam my hands down on the table. "Double quarter pounder!" I don't even know what those burgers look like!

...Silence. Success!

Alice suddenly twitches. "Oh, right. I have that upgrade for you…" She swipes out the operating cross and tosses it to me shuriken style. I catch it as it whirls towards me with surprising accuracy, and I mentally compliment myself on my luck. Woohoo!

...I also verbally compliment myself on my luck! "You see that catch, yo!? Dayum!"

Sakuya sighs. "Most people here could do that in their sleep, you know."

Ha-chan opens her mouth to speak, but Sakuya holds out a finger.

"I said most. That doesn't include you."

Ha-chan closes her mouth. Good job!

I channel mana into the cross… and keep channeling… and-

London whirls in! Boom, there we go!

London's now adorned with a large lance and plated armor. Its eyes now glow a faint green, adding an intimidating factor to it.

"Behold, the London Combat Assistance Doll, edition three." Alice began, "In addition to Orbital Defense mode, Sentry mode, and Tracking mode, it can now patrol, guard targets, prioritize enemies, and cast basic attack magic of both the physical and elemental varieties. It only knows fire, ice, and thunder though. I had some of these upgrades in the works. She has to have an actual mana pool to work with now, however."

I nod. "Woohohoaah, that's one hell of an upgrade!" It's like, an all-around magi party member!

Alice nods in delight. "Just be sure to recharge its mana pool. You can do it with your own mana, which you also do per revive anyway, and you can do it by pouring mana supplements into her mouth like a real girl!" Alice was really excited about that last part. "...Be aware it does gum up the works, as it will have byproducts. I wanted to implement a realistic waste feature, but I didn't have the time. Instead, she just barfs up whatever she doesn't need from the concoctions you feed her."

I nod. "That's cool." ...I kinda wanted that realistic waste system! Having London crap on the forms of our fallen foes woulda been awesome…

She continued, "...Oh, her mana pool only allows about two or three offensive spells that aren't danmaku. Her normal danmaku functions just fine, and she can hit things perfectly fine with her new Shanghai Lance." To demonstrate, London swings the air after a few seconds of staring at it.

I take the new operating cross, smiling. "This is gonna be good, yo…"

I pocket it, and rub my hands together, grinning.

...London keeps awkwardly swinging and jabbing at the air at a delayed pace.

"...It gets a little rambunctious when it comes to melee attacks." Alice sighs.

"Cuddly, yo." There actually was something cute about how it swung at the air!

Flandre claps her hands. "It's cuddly-looking!" She then runs up to it, and gives it a big hug.

Crunch! Crack!

...London's armor plating began cracking. That's a snug hug!

"H-hey, hey! Don't break it already!" Alice exclaims, getting a bit irate even though it's revivable.

"Aaawww…" Flandre lets go of it and pouts.

We all sat around silently while London swung at the air…

Woosh... Swoosh swoosh…..Woosh!

"So, is everyone ready and awake?" Alice smiles, looking at everyone.

"Yeah." I nod.

"Get out."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The door closes behind us.

"At least we got to wake up, yo." I look on the bright side!

Sakuya stretches. "That bed was a bit cramped… especially with a fairy maid joining us in the middle of the night."

Ha-chan grinned. "Well, can you deny my snuggliness?"

"Yes." Sakuya replied without missing a beat.

"...Aauu…" Ha-chan's shoulders slumped.

Kaguya yawns, and begins to walk off. "I'm going back to bed… I haven't been able to sleep since I last revived. That was like, six hours ago." With that, she walked off into the Forest of Magic by herself.

Sakuya unfurled an umbrella for Flandre. Where the hell did that even come from? "I believe it to be in our best interest to head back to the manor now."

I nod. "Probably for the best. Wait, wasn't it called a vacation and not a single day off?"

She dismissively waved her hand. "Milady's not known to give any more than single days at any given point in a year. I assume this to be the same."

Ha-chan nods in agreement. "One day off a year!"

I smirk. "Not like you get a lot done on duty, anyway."

She smiles, looking away, while Sakuya glares at her. "Oh, don't worry. I'll see to it that she has plenty to do on duty."

Now her smile's more out of fear than amusement! "A-ahah…"

And so, we began our trek back to the manor!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Meiling shook her head. "Mistress said vacation, not day off."

"Wha~t!?" Sakuya bellowed, before stopping to compose herself. "Well, how long is this 'vacation' supposed to be, then?"

Meiling took out a letter. "I was actually going to have the tengu mail this to you, but…"

The letter was promptly ripped out of Meiling's hand, and Sakuya opened it quickly with a flick of the knife. The letter smoothly slid out, and she unfolded it without a hitch. I wish I could open letters without freakin' tearing the cover apart…!

I looked over Sakuya's shoulder as she read the letter silently…

" _Dear Sakuya,_

 _I've devised the perfect trial for a perfectly elegant maid, and I'm sure you've got the guts to pull it off. You're my maid, after all. You must locate three jewels I've hidden throughout Gensokyo- and they're in some of the most appropriate places, after all. I'm sure with the fun you've been having, and will continue to have, you'll find them all in no time. Topaz, sapphire, and ruby are the three gems- each imbued with powerful magic that accents their color, if only to make them easier to find._

 _Best of luck,_

 _~ Remilia Scarlet_ "

"...Sounds like a generic fetch quest!" Let's not do one of those!

Sakuya groaned. "Mistress is in a playful mood again…"

I look over to Meiling, seeing her rub Flandre's head. "Oh, yeah. You can't have Flandre helping you, she says. You're just supposed to find her and bring her back here… which you did. Good job, I guess!"

Flandre looked up at her curiously. "Why can't I go with them?"

Meiling smiles. "Remi has special treats for you inside!"

Unable to resist the temptation of fun treats, Flandre perks up and immediately heads inside when Meiling pretends to look away.

"W-what about me…?" Ha-chan asks.

Meiling shrugs. "Mistress said nothing about you, so I guess you're fine. I dunno what she's planning, but it sounds exciting! I wish I could come along, but uh…"

Sakuya stuck her hand out. "It's fine, it's fine. Come along, Brad. We're leaving."

I tilt my head. "Huh. I'm usually the one to mobilize!"

Ha-chan and I tail along behind Sakuya as we begin to power walk towards the lake…

...I say that, but Sakuya was floating lightly the whole way. Ha-chan still power walked with me though!

...Once we were a good distance away, I turned to Sakuya. "Let's just grab some rocks that are colored vaguely like the gems or something. I bet if we enchant them, she won't tell!"

Sakuya looked at me curiously for a moment, contemplating the idea. "...That probably wouldn't go well. I say we should still-"

Nope! "Vacations are about fun, friend. Not fetch quests!" I wave my finger at Sakuya.

"...You know what? I think you may be onto something…" She agrees with me! "I've… not been myself at the manor recently. I don't think hunting for gems will help, even if the mistress thinks it so."

… I wonder. "Hey Sakuya, do you have a pen on you by chance?"

She pulls out one of those old feather quill pens. "No ink." she provides.

...I wanted to 'edit' Remilia's letter, but I guess I couldn't do that for now! "Well…" I suppose I could always bring us somewhere I felt like going. I also didn't know where I wanted to go! "Follow me, friend!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We came up to the shrine's steps, but I don't think visiting Reimu would be entirely productive. We walked past the shrine, only to hear footsteps behind us….

"...Would any of you three happen to know what happened to my kotatsu?..." Reimu lowly asks as she catches up to us.

I whirl around and back away, hands prosed. "Yo, no! I dunno, yo! Me no see, no no! Ooo~h!"

"...C'mere." Reimu starts power-walking.

"Oh, shit!" I begin dashing down the path!

"R-Reimu, don't you-" Blam! "G-gfuh…" I heard violence happening to Sakuya behind me!

"R-Rei…" Thwack! "Aaauu!" Ha-chan's getting freakin' munched on, yo!

I I hear Ha-chan's cries of terror behind me a good ways, making me believe I was safe-ish. I mean, if Reimu was back there-

Reimu floats down ahead of me. "... Now it's down to you and me, you curly haired freak." Woohoohooaah!

I pull out Swift Brand clumsily. "Don't make me use th-"

Thwack!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Sakuya and I bowed apologetically in front of the Hakurei miko.

"I am very, very sorry we accidentally'd your kotatsu last night." I recited.

Reimu turns to Sakuya.

"...My mistress will accept any fees you charge." she sighs.

"...No, she won't." Reimu decides.

Sakuya blinks. "What?"

Reimu grins. "You're on vacation, are you not? If you're not on duty… then your actions aren't the fault of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, now are they?"

Sakuya's eyes widen. "A-ah… Right."

Sticking out a hand, Reimu looks away dismissively. "Thirty-seven thousand yen. That was how much it costed. I just bought it, too, and it wasn't even with my own money."

Sakuya winced. "W-well… I… don't carry that kind of money… on me…"

Reimu groaned. "What kind of money do you carry, then? Has Remilia finally grown arrogant enough to make her own stupid currency, or something?"

Her gaze shifted to me. "Well, if she can't pay, you will."

I shrug exaggeratedly. "I don't carry this thing you call money! I'm flat freakin' broke!"

Her expression turns dark. "Then you had best start working your asses off, because I'm not letting you three out of my sight until you cough up the yen for a new kotatsu."

Ha-chan blanches, sitting in the corner in the fetal position. "W-why me!?"

...Heyo! Idea! "Hey, Reimu? Why don't we just steal a kotatsu from the loony lunar people at the clinic?" I bet Kaguya had a pile of them somewhere. That place was like, a furniture warehouse… if you considered all the carefully placed not-for-sale furniture to be for sale… and by for sale, I mean free to take whenever you please.

...Besides, it was something to do!

She turns to me with a blank expression… which slowly shifts into a beaming, gleeful one. "Perfect. Come along, you three. We're going to go plunder some furniture. We'll steal an entire hallway's worth! No, we'll steal more!" Her eyes light up, hype building.

... I turn to Sakuya and whisper to her. "I think Reimu's finally gone off the deep end, yo…"

She snorts, glancing me. "I think she's just a little needy right now…"

"What are you two bozos whispering about over there?" Reimu glares at us suddenly.

"Ah- oh, nothing. Nothing at all. Definitely not about you. Super definitely not about you. I mean, all we were discussing is, uh… something… red?" I trail off, grinning sheepishly.

Sakuya stares at me. "...You suck."

Reimu rolls her eyes. "Alright, don't wanna know. Less talking, more stealing. Let's go, go go!" Reimu grabs the both of us and flies out of the shrine, pulling us along with her.

...Suika's head pops out of the floor, tearing the wood open, and she yawns. "...That was a nice spot…"

She looked to Ha-chan, who was still in the corner. "...Huh. I don't remember sleeping in the… oh…" Suika realized she smashed the floor. "...This place needed an excuse to be refurbished anyway…"

Crawling out of the floor, she made her way to Ha-chan…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We were cutting directly through forestry and plains to reach the bamboo woods, forsaking the notion of simply taking the debatably safe dirt road.

As the three of us wandered through the clearing- and while I contemplate what the hell happened to Ha-chan, 'cause she's not here- things leap out before us!

Fluffles leap from the bushes with little iron broadswords and wooden shields, along with some Marisa yukkuri and some little bush people things with arms.

"...What?" Reimu furrows her brows.

"They're friendly, dude." I state, casually walking towards them, only to jump back as a fluffle lunged at me with its broadsword. "Nevermind, they're not friendly!"

"Take it easy!" One of the two yukkuri Marisa's leapt towards Sakuya, and she shielded herself with her arms, easily blocking the tackle.

"AaAAAaah!" A high-pitched scream from the bushy friend caused us all to flinch instinctively.

"Geez-us! Relative of the mandragora or what?" I reach for my ears, rubbing them.

Sakuya took this moment to toss her Crimson Jazz daggers forward at one of the bush monster things, and it lit on fire and exploded into a mess of leaves.

At this prospect, the two yukkuri Marisa became furious. I pulled out Deep Blue, and channeling my mana, I slammed it into the floor.

"Drop dead, easy!" A Marisa yukkuri was bouncing up and down in place with fury, while its friend leapt towards Sakuya again, who punched it out of the way this time.

Fwuuuush!

A small geyser shot from the floor, sending the angry yukkuri Marisa into the air.

"Eeeaaa~sy!" it yelled, before falling to the floor, witch hat being cast away from it as it fell.

Splat!

Welp, rest in peace!

"Marisa, nwoo~!" yelled the other yukkuri, its face mashed in from the punch.

"Waaal!" A fluffle warrior leapt towards me, and I blocked a sword blow. Stumbling backwards, I managed to avoid a freakin' legendary series of slashes and jabs from the angry fluffle.

"Holy shit!" This thing wanted me dead!

A yin-yang orb from the heavens fell and crushed it flat, the broadsword and shield uselessly falling to the floor as the fluffle was freakin' demolished.

I saw something flying towards me really fast in my peripheral vision, and I swung Deep Blue at it instinctively.

Thunk! Swash!

...My hanger had bits of paste dripping from it, the yukkuri it struck having been gibbed by the impact. Bits of the Marisa yukkuri splashed across the floor.

"Why are the cuddly things violent!?" I yell, eying the puddle of paste.

"Waaaal!" The second fluffy warrior charged towards Reimu, but after it slashed Reimu vanished and appeared behind it, a flying kick beheading the fluffle, who promptly collapsed into dust.

The final bush friend walked towards Sakuya and threw its arms into the air, attempting to lift her by the ankles. It managed to throw her off balance, but a clumsy kick from her sent it flying.

I ran towards it and brought Deep Blue down on it, and it exploded into leaves on impact.

Reimu sighed. "I wonder what those little bush youkai were doing with the fluffles and yukkuri…"

"...My question is why they were just going around assaulting people." Sakuya stood, dusting herself off from the tumble she took earlier when she lost her balance.

I begin putting away my plant hanger… "I dunno, but they were easy enemies, at the very least!"

We continued for awhile and eventually we reached a field, the bamboo forest clearly on the other side.

"Heyo! We're a good ways there!" I exclaim.

"We have eyes." Sakuya jabs.

"And functioning memories." Reimu joins her.

They both turn to me. "Now be quiet."

They then pause and look at each other, before bumping fists. Yo ho ho…! Even though I just got freakin' owned, that was awesome!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We walked up to the bamboo forest's edge, and the two girls prepared to fly over it.

"...Help, friends!" I call up to them as they begin floating away.

"Don't feel like it." Reimu keeps floating away above the trees.

"I'm sure you're more than capable of finding your own way, all things considered. Besides… I don't really feel like it, either." Sakuya proceeds to float off with Reimu.

...Freakin' idiots! How're you gonna steal anything when you leave behind the man with the hammerspace sack!?

I could fly after them, but I spent most of the day without flying flail-style and didn't really feel like it right now…

Entering the bamboo woods, I clumsily trudged through the thick bamboo, getting my ass kicked by the occasional series of branches that really didn't want me to bypass them, but I did anyway. Curiously, there were series of vines here and there that moved and twitched, covered in thorns and hanging onto some of the bamboo. Youkai weeds, perhaps? Hmmm…

Oh, hey! Fluffy people!

"Waaaal!" It was one of those tan mage-y types… and he was getting pissed!

"Waaa-rrrg…" A quadrupedal fluffle growled, and started circling me. It was painfully adorable, but I had to take arms against these threats anyway! I pulled out Swift Brand, ready for some action!

The quadrupedal fluffle lunged at me, and I swiped it away, sending it sprawling. It feverishly raised and charged again, and I stomped it to the floor as it came by. I was then struck by tan danmaku from directly ahead because I'm a freakin' idiot and only paying attention to the little cuddly bastard.

"Haaugh!" I yell. Danmaku never stopped being painful!

"Waaal!" The mage closed in on me, getting ballsier, and as it neared I leapt, doing a double jump as it tried to float away, and brought Swift Brand down in its head. There wasn't quite a satisfying thunk, but I hit the thing.

The fluffle unceremoniously shot straight to the floor, crushed mage hat sitting atop it as it stayed still. The staff it held tumbled away, and I neared it to finish it off.

"Wararallaal!" I felt the savage fluffle from before latch onto my ankle, and start doing fluffy things to it.

… Ignoring that for now, I slammed Swift Brand down on the head of the fluffy magi menace.

Poof…

The corpse exploded into dust!

I looked down at my ankle to see the fluffle unsuccessfully using its shell nose to gnaw at it. It was soft, and warm to the touch…!

"C'mere, friend…" I lifted the fluffle, and hugged it.

It cooed lightly, before submitting to the cuddles. Fluffy.

I heard some unpleasant shifting beneath the ground, and I jumped away as vines erupted from the floor, attempting to skewer me where I stood.

"Oh, jesus fuck! I'm out! We're leaving, Stanley!" I named it Stanley, because it was… Stanley-like? Regardless, it was freakin' huggable.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Surprisingly quickly, I found myself at Eientei just by walking forward. That's… not how the forest used to work. Arriving there still well after the miko and the maid, I was greeted to some rabbits shooting the chunkier vines to bits, while other rabbits in biohazard suits walked around spraying some sort of green gas…

I walked inside, ready to see what all the hubbub was about. I see Reimu and Sakuya talking with Reisen at the front counter, and Reisen looked rather dapper with her sniper rifle in her arms as she manned the front counter.

"Well, things have been… hectic lately." Reisen started explaining something as I walked up!

"Do tell…" Reimu warily gestured her to elaborate.

"You see, these vines have been popping up in the forest lately, as I'm sure you saw on the way in…" she began, "Tewi was the first to take notice of them, and we didn't think much of a few living vines here or there; they weren't entirely unheard of, afterall. But these ones began spreading, and before we knew it, the bamboo forest began losing its inherent maze-like qualities…"

The door behind us slammed open, and in walked a scratched up Mokou.

"Those damned vines… they don't like fire very much, b-but... " She paused, lurching over and coughing violently.

Reisen looks at her, eyebrows conveying concern. "A-are you… okay?"

After a violent coughing session, Mokou stumbles over to the counter. "D-do I fuckin' sound okay to you? Get me the-" Her voice failed her and she began hacking again.

"I-I'll go fetch Yagokoro-sama… You stay here, alright?" Reisen then moves deeper into the complex, seeking Eirin.

"A-as if I'd fuckin' go- Ach…" Mokou bends over, wheezing. "F-fuck…"

I look at her with a look of pity. "Colds suck."

She glares back at me. "T-this isn't some shitty cold… I don't even get colds anym-" Coughing!

Sakuya sighs. "... Whatever's affecting the immortal must be a pretty potent poison."

"Indeed. It is infact, quite a dire poison… were they not as they are, in any case." Eirin walked out from the depths of the healy-place; I didn't know whether to call it a hospital, mansion, or clinic!

Behind her, Reisen wheeled out a stretcher, which had Kaguya on it, with a laptop.

"O-oh, hey… it's you." Kaguya spoke with a low, ragged tone, before coughing.

Eirin opted to stare at Kaguya for a moment before continuing. "...Yes, well, our very own princess here attempted to take matters into her own hands upon returning from unknown whereabouts the other day, only for the vines to severely poison her as well. Were she not immortal, she should have died within hours due to the toxicity of the poison. However, due to her immortality… it's just given her a bad case of strep throat, essentially."

Mokou grinned at her. "Hah! You're not such tough sh-shit, Kagu- wah!" Her balance faltered, and she collapsed to the floor.

Eirin facepalmed. "Alright… into bed you go." She then proceeded to lift Mokou up, and put her onto the stretcher with Kaguya, not bothering to be careful or precise with the motion.

"E-Eirin! What gives!?" Kaguya yelled, trying to edge away from Mokou.

"F-fu-" More coughing! "Damn it…"

Reisen began carting the two away. "Alright, trash bags are attached to the bottom of the…" Her voice trailed off as they proceeded down the hallways.

...Speaking of things that sucked…! "Hey, Eirin… I've been having bad dreams lately!" They were all fluffy… and scea~ry!

Eirin didn't even turn to glance at me as she tossed me a pill bottle. "Consider it on the house for this whole vine problem, if you manage to get it done, that is. If you die, then I'll just bill the Yama and be done with it." Oh, if only lawyers back in the United States could literally sue religious and spiritual entities for the cash owed by the departed.

I looked at the bottle of Butterfly Dream Pills, and stashed them in my sack. Maybe I could give these to Alice as another favor or something, because shady drugs were just not my style!

Eirin started to head back into the innards of the… hospital? Clinic? Place! "I'll leave you three to do what you do best. The rabbits will help you, by the way."

"...I say we come back and handle the vines after we do what we need to do. I've got things to do, and I also feel that this whole situation might resolve itself. Those rabbits outside looked more than capable, and once Yagokoro inevitably develops a cure, this situation should turn itself around quite fast." Sakuya announced her plan of action to us.

Reimu nods. "Let's just steal stuff and get out of here."

I grin. "Yeah, I really don't wanna fuck with those vines right now. They sound a little too badass for me to be fighting." I hate gardening, anyway. I was never good with plants! Freakin', regardless of how I watered them, they always died!

We entered a different hallway and began stealing all the furniture we could see; Sakuya helped because the mansion needed furnishings, Reimu needed money, and I… needed to get that guy from like a few chapters ago his shit back!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We all dove out of the window of Kaguya's room, which was unoccupied since the princess was probably being treated for the deadly toxins kicking her ass as we speak. We proceeded to slide down the roof, and the two girls made sure I didn't fall to leg-breaking agony when we reached the bottom.

"This is great!" Reimu was beaming! "I'll get a kotatsu and a new micro-toaster oven from the kappa in no time with this!" … The fuck was a micro-toaster, and where could I get one!?

"Milady will be pleased with the new furnishings, I'm sure." Sakuya smiled to herself.

"I get to clear my conscience for that time I made that one boat!" I exclaimed, twirling my sack.

Sakuya looked at me, smiling. "Yeah, never do that again."

I grin. "Don't worry yo, I won't. Probably."

Staring at the yard ahead of us, the vine situation seemed slightly worse. To add to the warzone that the outside of Eientei had become, yukkuri, fluffles, and bush youkai were all feverishly getting in on the action and dying swiftly.

I jumped as a rabbit girl with maroon hair standing beside us let loose a barrage of energy bolts from her sci-fi assault rifle, presumably of some kind of lunar origin. I stumbled out of the way as she ran forward, only for a giant Alice-type yukkuri to fall from the sky and land on her.

"Take it easy~!" it bellowed.

I frowned. "Get me the heck outta here!"

Reimu scoffed at me. "Seriously? It's a yukkuri. Look, it might be big, but just hit it with your-"

The yukkuri Alice hopped into the air, and upon landing, not only were a variety of yukkuri Marisa and Reimu at her side, but all the surrounding yukkuri, fluffles, and bush youkai ceased futily assaulting the vines or the bunnies, instead opting to turn their attention to the huge yukkuri Alice.

"...Huh. That's new." Reimu shrugged.

I pulled out Deep Blue, ready to disembowel the pasty abomination with a geyser.

"Take it over, easy!" boomed the huge yukkuri, and it leaped into the air again. Upon landing, numerous oversized sewing needles started shooting up from the floor, and Sakuya stopped time on reflex as they neared at alarming speed in a linear path towards us.

"Oh…" Sakuya let out a breath she didn't know she was holding, as she navigated out of the way of the needle barrage. I lifted a frozen Reimu and dragged her out of the way, and then time resumed.

Shink-shink-shink-shink!

The needles extended beyond our positions, and into the glass door that was the front of the reception front-room of Eientei, shattering the glass.

"Freakin', I've had enough of your pasty shenanigans!" I slammed Deep Blue into the floor.

Fwuuuush!

The yukkuri Alice levitated into the air lightly, before dropping back down largely unaffected. "Take it easy!" it roared.

"I think I pissed it off!" I exclaimed, brandishing Flame Dispenser. They had to be weak to fire, right?

Reimu readied herself. "You think!?"

Sakuya was busy tending to some of the lesser mooks, igniting bush people and fluffles that dared charge her.

The giant Alice yukkuri bobbed in place violently, the pasty bottom of it swirling as it seemed to be casting a spell. I think. Did yukkuri have mana pools?

Suddenly, explosions of fire starting erupting around us!

"Brad! Duck!" I immediately did as said and Reimu ducked with me, a barrier forming over us as the explosions picked up and the barrier over us was seared and charred once all was said and done.

"...Just a yukkuri." I emphasized. That thing just cast a fucking _fire storm_ on our asses! We woulda been cooked if Reimu wasn't up to par with her barrier skills!

"Holy shit…" Reimu stared at the yukkuri, disturbed.

"Take it easy!" No! Not easy! Not when you're trying to cook us!

Reimu stood, and a series of yin-yang orbs orbited around her as she floated into the air.

"Spirit Sign! Fantasy Orb!"

The orbs suddenly turned into giant, homing, rainbow colored balls of magical death.

WooshWooshWooshWoosh…

A hum of sorts was emitted as the orbs blasted into the giant yukkuri, which was enveloped completely in rainbow light as the orbs exploded against it. Alright, we killed it! Woo!

...The lightshow and the dust blown asunder by it faded, showing a gravely misshapen but still very alive giant yukkuri.

Reimu's jaw dropped. "What's this thing made of!?"

"F-fweed mwee!" feebly yelled the dying yukkuri, and some of the Marisa and Reimu types around it started actively leaping into its mouth. It started chewing on them, and quickly began to regenerate features and body form.

"...That's unbelievably cheap." I declare. Seriously yo, enemies that heal!? Fuck that, and fuck this yukkuri in particular!

...Just don't tell my enemies that I can heal. I wonder why I don't see more enemies pop some potions or something… although I suppose that's because they don't really need them.

"You're kidding." Reimu's face becomes serious as we watch it heal.

"Waaal!" A wailing fluffle soars over it, a barrage of knives following it.

"Take it easy!" The yukkuri turned to face Sakuya.

Sakuya took notice of it, and grinned. "I'll be taking it quite easy, as a matter of fact. Afterall, I'm supposed to be on…"

She dramatically levitates a barrage of knives out from behind her. "Vacation."

I give her props for that one, but it was a little cheesy!

"Illusion Sign! Killer doll!"

Sakuya flew into the air, twirling around the field as a barrage of knives twirled out from behind her, formed firing lines and began propelling themselves towards the yukkuri.

I heard the plops and plaps of the pasty flesh of the being as the knives soared into it, a huge inferno raging as a result of the crimson knives entering it.

"Taaooooohhhh!" The yukkuri began a sentence but settled for screaming, which works too.

Amazingly, the smaller ones continued to hop into its mouth, not only healing its wounds at insane speed, but also dispelling some of the fire. After the exchange was said and done, no more assistant yukkuri remained, only a very battered giant Alice yukkuri who was still slightly on fire.

"Fweed mwwuw…" it requested, but it had no friends to help it… 'cause it fuckin' ate them all! "...Fweed! Mweeee!...Fwee~!" It started whining really freakin' loud!

That's it yo… I took out Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, and chucked it at the thing.

Blam!

Paste splattered all over the bamboo thicket behind it. The lower half of the yukkuri was all that remained, which promptly started to deflate like a very sad souffle.

"You're blocking my sun, ass wipe." Now that's a vacation-esque quip! You should take notes from me, Sakuya!

Speaking of, she was right beside me. "...We can hardly even see the sun in the bamboo forest, you know." Oof…

The fluffles and bushes decided not to fuck with us after that, instead opting to try and beat the everloving shit out of the vines… which they weren't doing a very good job at, fluffles getting ripped apart left and right. Speaking of, the vines were getting far more numerous and aggressive and everything!

"...Guys, maybe uh…" I back towards Eientei a bit.

Reimu latches onto my right arm. "Sakuya. Grab his left arm, we're leaving now."

She grabs it firmly. "Right."

We take off as a plethora of vines begin to overwhelm the entrance to Eientei, scratched and sad rabbits fleeing back inside.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We flew away from Eientei, doubling back to the Hakurei Shrine. It was about mid-day now!

Reimu had a perturbed look on her face as we closed in on the shrine grounds. "That… was generally unpleasant."

I nod. "Yeah. Generally."

We land, and they finally let go of me, letting me fall to the floor. "Can't you guys like, do it softly for once? Yo ho ho, my ass'll be blasted by the end of the month…"

Sakuya shakes her head. "I'll make sure to do it harder, then. Just for you."

I snort. "Aren't I special?"

She shrugged. "I suppose you are. You're quite 'special', as it were."

Woah ho ho! "I didn't know you even made those kinds'a jokes, yo!" It amused me nonetheless!

Grinning, she turns to me. "Well, now you do."

Reimu was growing impatient. "I didn't bring you two here to flirt on holy grounds."

Sakuya glares at her. "Get your mind out of the gutter, maiden."

I put my arms up. "Guys, yo, there's enough of me to go around! I'm a fluffster!"

Reimu scrunches her face. "Please, no."

We reached the inner Hakurei Shrine, ready to examine the spoils of our conquest!

I flip the sack over, and some chairs fall out. "Could uh… could someone give me a lift, here?"

Sighing, Sakuya rips the sack out of my hand and flies up herself, letting the furniture flow out like a waterfall. Soon, the whole shrine was decorated with oriental furnishings and the likes.

"We'll divide it evenly," Reimu began. "Twenty-thirty-fifty."

"Who gets what?" Sakuya looked at her.

"I get the fifty." Reimu looked like she knew we'd decline this, though…

"Nope. Fifty-fifty."

Nodding, Reimu seems satisfied with that. "Sure."

"Yo, no!" I exclaim, grasping a table. "Thirty-three, thirty-three, thirty-three!"

"...What happens to the last one percent?" Sakuya rose a brow.

"It was sold for pennies on Ebay." I stare at her frankly.

She shook her head, but agreed anyway. "Fine, fine… I suppose that's a fair deal."

Reimu glared at me. "Why do you need any of it, anyway?"

I grin sheepishly. "Well, uh… reasons." I don't think I should tell them of the time I stole that poor shopkeeper's D.I.Y. furniture collection to make a fort-slash-combat ship out of.

"Besides, why do _you_ need it? Oh, that's right, you stole it to pawn it off. Remind me not to let you near my non-existant home, Reimu!" I jeer, giving her a cocky grin.

THE REIMU OF ALL REIMUSThe Reimu intensified…! "Well, at least I _have_ a home." She folded her arms. "You couldn't manage one to save your life."

I shrug. "Alright, yo, you got me there. I'd probably be as good of a home keeper as Marisa." Speaking of, where's she been?

Sakuya shivers, proceeding to answer my unvoiced question. "I dread to see what the library looks like when we return. For whatever reason, she's holed herself up in that library with Patchouli more than usual. Probably eloping or something."

New life goal: Marisa needs to be pushin' up mushrooms if I'm gonna get the Patchy ending!... although let's be legit here: she's over like one-hundred and I'm like… eighteen. Yo ho ho… wait, Marisa's gotta be like, eighteen too! Or something!...

...or maybe Sakuya was just flat out wrong and no funny business was going on. I'll just go with that so I can sleep at night.

Sakuya waves a hand in front of my face.

"I think you broke him." Reimu tilted her head. "This is what happens when you become too much of a pervert. Instant heart attack."

I shake my head, snapping out of my stupor, "I'm back, baby!..." and then mumble edgy words! "...and now it's personal."

I need to stop making PAYDAY 2 references! Even though I've been trapped in Gensokyo since before the bad updates, I still know how much they suck! That's just a demonstration of the suckitude that is the new microtransactions, balance-breaking, CS:GO crate system inducing updates!

The two women stared at me with slight exhaustion, before turning to each other.

Sakuya remembered the real reason we're here! "Remilia sent us on… vacation, recently."

"Good for you. Wish I could take a vacation. Rub it in more, why don't you?" Reimu dismissively looked away.

"It's not really a preferred vacation-"

Sakuya was cut off. "Oh, boo-fucking-hoo, miss workaholic. What do you want now, a complimentary Hakurei back massage?" Reimu snapped at her.

...I'd like one of those!

I raise my hand, but a hand from Reimu silences me before I even begin, and I lower my hand.

Sakuya sighs. "Look, just… look at this." Reimu received the letter from Sakuya.

…

"Ah. Good luck with that." Reimu handed the letter back.

…

"I suppose it was too much to ask your help for…?" Sakuya blankly stared at Reimu.

Reimu nods. "Not my problem. And before you say anything about it affecting Gensokyo, I'll deal with it when I see it. My shrine's still…" She looked around the water-ravaged shrine. "... in need of renovations, as it were."

Sakuya sighs. "Very well. I'll be off then… I'll leave my portion of the furnishings with you, for now. Don't sell it. Or break it. Or eat it."

Reimu scrunches her face. "I'm not going to eat _wood_ , you fucking…"

I begin for the door, sensing Reimu's boiling rage rising… "That's it, yo, we're rollin' out like rollin' rockers!"

Sakuya stops time, allowing us to vacate the premises as Reimu began pulling out ofuda. Hyonk!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Time to go clean my dirty laundry, as it were!

...By that, I mean bring furniture to that guy person. I was still guilty about that, and it gives me an excuse to take Sakuya to the town and buy some ice creams.

Does this village even have ice cream? When was that invented, I need to know now!

"Uhm… I'll need to see some ID…" stated the unassuming guard standing at the village gates.

Sakuya stared at him vainly. "I visit every week. This village has never even used an ID system."

The guard paused, and stared at her. "W-well… How am I supposed to know!? You could be some youkai, for all I know…!"

I kinda missed the gruff asshole guards now. They weren't totally stupid, at least. "Well, unfortunately for you, I am the lunar princess Kaguya! I sound like a guy because I have a really bad sore throat." I smirk at him.

He scratched his head. "...Who?" Keine, teach better history or something. Why did one guard know looney people while this guy had no clue? Who was this strange man!?

I stare at him blankly. "I could buy out your position and force fluffles into the slot instead. You'd be out of a job, a home, and…" ...I dunno what to put after that, so I just let that sentence die!

...To illustrate my point, I pulled out Stanley. "hello!"

The guard stared blankly at Stanley for a moment. "... Is that a... fluffle?"

I nodded.

"... Oh."

…

Sakuya was growing impatient. "Well?"

The guard snapped his attention back to us. "Oh! Uh, right, ID, I'll need to see some ID…"

It was like a McDonald's drive through! "Sakuya, can't we just timeskip in or something? This guy's givin' me the heebie jeebies!" I pocket the fluffle, too.

Time stops. "We should have done that in the first place."

I shrug. "I dunno, formalities with the guards are thoughtful. If only they had better staffing…" I walked up to the closed gate. I say that, but I'm so used to the guard meet'n'greet it didn't even cross my mind!

Sakuya floated up and around to the other side, and started opening it from in there. She proceeds to speak of village happenings! "It's not totally their fault, I suppose. I heard the guard ranks here got badly scarred after the loss of many senior officers and trainers."

I think I know why, but I suppose it doesn't really matter. Villagers can just keep bows in their houses if they're so scared, I suppose.

I walk inside once the gate is up, and we just decide to leave it up.

"Not like he'll connect the dots anyway." Sakuya justifies.

I nod. "Yeah, sounds about right!" He'd probably think the wind did it or something…

I begin heading down the path to that one furniture place and Sakuya resumes time.

The guard didn't even notice the gate was still open as he stared off at the path ahead. He did blink and look around a bit after we had vanished, but he shrugged it off and began leaning against the wall lazily.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Walking down the dirt path for a street, I eyed the buildings…

"Let's see… Stuff and stuff, things and stuff, stuff and things…" I mumble to myself, rattling off building names in my head while speaking idly out loud.

"...Where are we even going, anyway? I don't think we have any business in the village." Sakuya questioned me.

I glance at her before going back to scanning the buildings. "I gotta tie up some loose ends, yo. Y'know, like the knots. I left a rope around here and forgot to tie it."

She shrugged. "I trust you know vaguely what we're doing, then."

There's the hardware place! I mean, furniture. Same thing. "Hey, look! A place!" I walk towards it and open the door.

The man inside jerks his head up from the desk. "O-oh, yes? Hello?"

I walk inside and look around the empty store.

"Um… I-I can explain the lack of merchandise…" He sheepishly grinned at me.

I point at him. "You are the fifth hundred contestant in the World Wide Fluffy Federation's W.W.F.F. Su-Su-Su~per Slam! As such, you get the grand prize… of a ton of fancy furniture! Wooohoo!" I jump in place, doing jumping jacks.

The man- named Harold if I remember correctly- just stared at me blankly. "...Excuse me, what?"

I flip the sack over and start pouring my thirty-three percent of the furnishings all over the floor, walking around and spilling it out in rows until it's all down.

He stares at the collection of lunar furnishings. "...T-thanks, I guess."

I nod. "No, thank you for participating in our sweepstakes! Now, for a word from our sponsors…" I back out the door and gesture to Sakuya.

Before Sakuya can say anything, I pop back in for a moment. "And Merry Christmas!" ...and then I backed out again!

"U-Um… I don't even know." Sakuya settles with.

Harold chuckles. "Me neither. Are you here to buy, or…?"

She shakes her head. "No, no. Just following that lunatic around. Vacation, you see."

"...You have a very strange idea of relaxation." Harold comments. He begins looking at the furniture, not knowing what to make of the situation.

Sakuya walks out of the store. "...I suppose so."

…

Out in the street, Sakuya and I look at each other.

"...So, what was that about?" she inquired.

"I have tied all the ropes!" I declare. Now we just need those uh, 'gems' for Remilia, and then we'd be set. In theory, anyway.

She eyed me curiously. "...I guess the world will never know."

I shake my head. "It wasn't that important anyway, yo. Just a personally personal thing!" ...Oh, yeah! Ice cream!... that had better exist in the village!

I look around, but I really don't want to talk with the quaint locals about nearby stores, so I turn to the next best person: Sakuya!

"Do you know of any ice cream shops in this village?" I ask her totally inconspicuously.

"Not particularly. I'm not sure if that's a thing here." She folded her arms, thinking.

Well, then. I stretch, thinking about where to start searching…

"You!"

Keine, why do you even? Why.

Sakuya flinches at the yell, and turns to see an angry Keine charging towards us.

...Well, specifically me, but she doesn't know that yet.

I back towards Sakuya a bit. "Hey uh, help."

Time stops, and she slowly turns to me.

"...What did you do now?" she sighs.

I grin. "Well, first, it was close to midnight and I was shakin' my fist at the moon, and…"

She puts a hand up. "I don't need to hear the story, just tell me why Keine's so pissed. She's normally not like this at all."

News to me! "She assumed I was a youkai and is becoming progressively more certain of that due to unfortunate circumstance and context-sensitive variables."

Sakuya snorted. "You sound like a hooligan version of Patchouli using vocabulary like that. In any case, good job."

I grin. "Thanks, yo. It's been a journey."

"I'm sure it has." She stared at Keine's enraged face, frozen in time. Fury poured from her eyes, rage palpable.

"...I think I'm not the only person who needs a vacation." Sakuya awkwardly gives a lopsided smile to Keine.

I snort in return. "You can say that again…"

"I'd really rather not." she countered.

I give her one'a 'those' looks before turning back to Keine. "So, what do do."

Sakuya shrugs. "I guess I'll try to talk to her. You go… hide or something. Don't need you getting a concussion or something, especially since Eientei is being besieged. I haven't heard good things of the village's medical scene myself."

I nod. "Sounds like a plan!"

I move behind the edge of the store and stand back there, making sure not to show a shred of myself incase Keine had spidey senses.

Time resumed!

Keine looked around exaggeratedly and frustratedly. "Where…"

Sakuya gave her a concerned starte. "...Keine? Are you… okay?"

Her glare locks on Sakuya. "That boy that was with you. Where did he go?"

Sakuya blinked. "...I asked you if you were okay."

"Fine. The boy." Keine impatiently growled out.

...The maid's eyes narrowed. "...You're not okay."

Keine abruptly pushed her out of the way, even though there was plenty of room to navigate around her. "You're in my way, then! This is for the safety of everyone!"

Sakuya staggered to the side and regained her balance, before glaring at Keine. "What was that for!? I know you're pissed about something, but that was just uncalled f-"

"You've been deceived, haven't you…?" Keine cut in, staring at Sakuya vainly. "...I saved Mokou, and I'm going to save you!"

Keine floated into the air. "Even if I have to do it by force!"

Sakuya grinned. "If that's how it's going to be…"

I began moving down the alley behind the building. I felt sorry for Harold, because I don't think his store would stand to see the dawn of its new lunarian furniture selling era. At the very least, the ruination of his life won't be totally my fault!

"Psuedo-History! The Legend of Gensokyo!"

"Illusion Sign! Killer doll!"

Oh, shit! Duck and cover!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I sat on a bench in the vacant village square, all citizens having fled to the far corners of the village due to the laser light show of pain occurring over one of the village sects. Knives, lasers, and bullets rained out en masse.

I folded my arms and stared up at it. "...I wonder if Keine'll tell her where they keep the ice cream shops…"

I doubted it, but y'know… a little ice cream to go with this demonstration of destruction couldn't have hurt.

...I said all the citizens had fled, but some terrified shopkeeper's held their stalls valiantly in the square, shielding themselves with cutting boards and the likes. None of said defenses would actually go to good use, though; they seemed far enough away that only the passing bullet might enter, and I'm sure anybody in the village could eat a bullet and only have a slightly worse day from it. I mean, I could.

I jerked my head back and forth in a wide arc. "...Does anybody happen to know the location from which the ice cream might be vended!?" I obnoxiously yelled out, making sure to add unnecessarily fancy words to illustrate my point.

A few shopkeepers glared at me from their cover, and others just stared at me. Buncha fookin' lemmings!

I felt around my pockets for things to fool around with. Hmmm… Kaguya's trousers sure had a lot of pockets…

Let's see… I found:

Lint! - It's dusty

Lint! - Dust friends.

Lint! - I wonder if I could build a fluffle out of all this pocket lint…

My 3DS! - Wait, what?

I eyed the 3DS incredulously. When did I get this back? I assumed it was on that night me and Matt went freakin' insane. I didn't even feel it in my mega skirt!

...Yes, I'm calling long skirts mega skirts now. They're tubby.

I flipped my 3DS open, intending to play it while waiting for the danmaku show to end. I thought against turning it on and just decided to watch the bullets instead. Man, am I fickle with this thing!

I stashed it into my sack, as that's probably safer than my million-pocket trousers.

From here, the danmaku battle looks like a mess of lights, so I couldn't do much but admire the illumination.

Before long, though, it was over. I didn't see either in the air, so I dunno what happened.

I get up and start walking towards ground zero.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I'm welcomed by the sight of a tired Sakuya standing in front of a scuffled Keine. I accidentally walk out a bit and jump back behind the wall once I notice Keine. I don't think she saw me, though- she's pretty tired.

"...I don't know what's gotten into you, but I'd like to point out it's a full sun today, not a moon. Surely you've not lost your senses too soon, now. I didn't think teaching aged one that quickly." Sakuya quipped.

Keine sighed. "Hmph… I suppose treating the symptoms won't help me. This was a waste of time…"

Keine began to power-walk away, only to pause when Sakuya called out to her again. "Hey, uhm…! I-I have a question!"

Keine slowly turned around. "I'm wasting time. This had best be important, this is a matter of the village's preservation."

Sakuya blinked. "...Would you happen to know where ice cream is sold?"

…

Keine laughed. "Pffftt… Hahahahaha~h!"

"...I still think you're not alright." Sakuya added.

"Hahahah… Third western storefront has a candy and ice cream parlor. Today just gets better and better, doesn't it?" Keine sarcastically replies, before running off.

...Sakuya turns and walks up to me, knowing I was still in the vaguely same hiding place as before the fight. It worked, this wall was still standing! The front of the furniture store was battered a bit, but surprisingly nothing was caved in outright. Good on Harold!

"Okay, what exactly did you do to Keine? She's practically traumatized."

I shake my head incredulously. "Yo, yo! I don't even know! It all started when she assumed I was a youkai!"

Sakuya furrowed her brows. "Assumed you were a youkai? Keine should be able to detect that herself… she's a youkai and all, you know."

Yeah, I knew that.

...wait…

"...Wait, then why couldn't she…" I stare at her in confusion.

Sakuya looks vaguely disturbed. "...I think we have enough on our plate for now. I don't know what's wrong with Keine, but that's going to be a task for another day."

I nod. "Yeah, if anything we can just sick Reimu onto her and see what she can do." Not my problem! Sorta!... okay kinda is my problem, but not mine to solve!

I begin to walk off, and slow down. "...Say uh, which way's west again?" I never figured out where 'north' really was."

Sakuya snorted. "Just follow me."

I nod acceptingly. "Yeah, that works…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Vanilla and chocolate. Vanilla. And. Chocolate. Two flavors.

...That was all the store offered. Who the hell ran this place? I guess I couldn't fault it for the time period, though.

Sakuya looked pleased with her vanilla cone. They somehow got edible cones right, though. "...I thought you wanted chocolate."

I tilt my head a bit. "Yeah, and it's good and all, but…" I take a bite of my ice cream. "... I'm just surprised there's only like, two flavors. I mean, yo, doesn't the village have fruits?"

Sakuya hummed in response while she was downing another bite. "Well… that's a good point actually. I was here last winter for a festival, with the mistress, and there was at least… I want to say more than ten flavors."

I jerked my head to face her abruptly, surprised. "Twehn!?" ...My mouth was full, yo.

Sakuya smiled and glared at me. "Don't talk with your mouth full, please. It's unbecoming."

I swallow the ice cream. "Unbecoming of what? Yo, I'm dressed like Kaguya. I gotta fit my role, yo."

She snorts. "Okay, that joke was actually okay."

I grin. "Yo ho ho!"

...Oh, right. Ice cream! "So, them flavors…"

Sakuya shrugged. "...I suppose they're gone now. You could always ask the man at the counter, you know. I'm not an ice cream scholar or anything."

I probably could! I stood up and walked back into the store.

The old man at the counter saw me re-enter. "...Hey."

I wave. "Yo, yo."

He stares at me, and I take it as a sign to continue. "So, I heard you use to have more flavors…"

"Don't wanna talk about it." The old man turned away, folding his arms. "Ask someone else."

I stretch out my arms. "Yo, son. I just-"

"Boy, I'm sixty years old. Watch who you call "son"."

Freakin'... "Sorry, force 'a habit. Anyway-"

"I said no. I mean no." The old man stared me down.

I slouched. "...Please?" I grinned sheepishly.

"...Youkai…" The old man mumbled through clenched teeth, his head beginning to shake.

Oh, here we go. I expect this to be something like "the youkai stole the twenty-one secret flavors and I had to throw them away" or something stupid like that.

I decide to egg him on. "...What?"

"Youkai!" The man slammed his hands down flat on the counter. "That damned witch! She's even been driving all the local restaurants out of business!"

Witch? "...Kirisame?" I try.

He tilts his head. "What- who? Markus? Bah, no!" ...Who the hell was- well, whatever.

"Who's this witchy witch, yo?" I get closer, looking mystified. Maybe he'd be more compliant if I were engaged in the discussion!

"...I know not her name, but she is a woman with eyes and hair of gold. Well, sometimes eyes of gold. I think. I'm… pretty sure." He rose a finger to his lips.

Son, this isn't the time for you to have alzheimer's!

"She wears a cap on her head, and elegant dresses. Parasols… has a fox woman for a shinigami or something."

Oh. Oh!

...Oh.

I raise a finger. "Yukari Yakumo?"

"Ah! That's the name! That's her!" The old man gets excited! "No good witch is what she is! That damned Golden Grin casino…"

Golden Grin, huh? I suppose it fit.

"That place sells anything! Banquets, plethoras of desserts, hot youkai b- I mean… Hot plates." Interest piqued! What are you doing in the village, Yukari?

I nod. "I'll keep that in mind."

"...Baahh…" The old man slouches over on the counter. "Witch…"

I begin to walk out. "Well, see ya 'round, pops!" I shoulda called him 'son' just to be an asshole.

He waved to me silently as I made my way out the door.

Ding! The bell to the store rang as I walked back out into bright village square, citizens moving about since the previous action ended.

Sakuya seems to have finished her ice cream. I should uh, probably work on mine…

"So, was it everything you wanted and more?" Sakuya inquired, arms folded.

I nod. "Yukari's puttin' em out of business with a giant five star restaurant with youkai strippers and any and all gappable foods."

"...I don't know what to make of that. It's something she'd do, though." Sakuya sighed. "...About those gems…"

I scarf down my ice cream as fast as- brainfreeze! Waaauugh!

I hold my head for a moment. "Pain, please wait…!"

"Good job." Sakuya deadpans.

...There we are. "...So, the 'gems'... I was thinking we could head on over to Myouren Temple and have Hijiri enchant some gems or something for us. I don't think Remilia would even bother to tell the difference."

Sakuya shrugged. "Maybe. I don't know about the power these gems are supposed to hold, though."

I wave my hand. "Ah, whatever. They're probably throwaway quest items anyway." Screw macguffins! Remilia can go hunt them down herself!

"You're probably right. It's just… I don't think mistress would be happy." Sakuya looked unsure.

Yo. "It's supposed to be a vacation! Tell Remilia to go read a dictionary some time, I'm sure Patchouli has a few to spare. Or like twenty."

She nodded. "I suppose you get to be the one to tell her that, then."

I grin. "Yeah, yo!" What's the worst a loli vampire could do to a plant hanger extraordinaire? Aside from rip me apart or vaporize me, I mean…

I doubt she'd be that angry, anyway. That's what I was counting on.

I begin for the exit of the village closest to the Myouren Temple. "Come along, friend! We're gonna play some Bejeweled!"

I don't think Sakuya got the reference, but it was fun.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We approached the top of the steps!

"Stairs can go suck, infact, multiple dicks." I protested.

Sakuya grinned. "I don't think that would go well. Stairs and all, you know."

Pfft!

"Oh, it's the gender fluid asshat." Hi, Stormy!

"Hello!" Kyouko waved at us.

Stormy noticed who was climbing the stairs with me. "...What the hell is she doing here?"

"I came to kill you, and only you. Ten seconds." Sakuya slowly lifted her knives.

"Hah! I'm not scared of some french-"

"Five."

Stormy made for the front door of the temple. "Fuck that shit!"

I grinned. "Fluffy days, yo."

Kyouko sighed. "Was that really necessary…?"

I turned to her. "Yes. Imperative. That was the whole reason we came, actually. We'll be going now."

Sakuya snorted, before focusing her attention on Kyouko. "I have a favor to ask of Byakuren-san."

Kyouko nodded. "...Let me show you where the front door is. I won't go further than that- sweeping and all, but incase you might miss the front door- easy to miss, I know- I can help you with that."

Alright, Kyouko, we get it! Ya ain't escorting us! No need to drill it into us!

Like that, we followed her to the front door.

"Good luck. Don't trip on the floor boards and die, or something." With that, Kyouko walked back to the front to resume sweeping.

I shrug, and open the door. I take a few steps in, and then dive to the floor.

"The floor boards! They got me, Sakuya! Aaauu-uuugh…" I let out an exaggerated wail as I pretend to writhe on the floor.

"I'll be sure that quote makes it onto your tombstone." she added, grinning down at me.

Nazrin walked in at that moment, greeted to me writhing on the floor at the feet of a happy Sakuya.

"...Y-you killed...!" Woah no!

She blinked. "...A-actually-"

Nazrin ran back into the temple's depths, beginning to shout something, when…

Time stopped.

I got up, and we both gathered around Nazrin, latched onto one arm each, and then latched one each around her mouth.

Time start!

"Mmmph!" Nazrin was restrained by us! I knew just the way to stop her from struggling, though!

I glare at her disdainfully. "You dirty card counter…"

She pauses, then looks at me. We let our hands off her mouth.

"...What the hell are you wearing?" She looks at me utterly puzzled.

"Shhh…" I bring a finger to my lip. "Be quiet, sweet child. My yeast is rising."

...That comment got me nothing but blank stares! Success!

Anyway, tasks at hand! "We's lookin' for the Byakoorins!"

Nazrin nods. "Ah, right. This way."

We follow her down a few hallways of little feature, although one had an interesting game of fluffles playing cards going down in it…!

I'd have to get in on that later!

In any case, we eventually came to a rather plain-looking room, with Byakuren sitting at a generic table. Tea was sat on it.

She slowly panned her gaze towards me, and froze.

"...We came to make a request!" I start.

"...What might that be?" she reluctantly asks me.

"Might you be able to enchant some fake gems for me and my pal here?" I gesture to Sakuya.

Byakuren turns her gaze to Sakuya, who grins sheepishly. "...It's a long story."

Taking one last forced glance at me, Byakuren sighed. "I've got time to spare, right now. Infact…"

She gets up and leaves the room, closing the door behind her.

...I fold my arms. "Where the frik did she take off to?"

Nazrin begins to walk off. "I think you two can handle yourselves from here. I still got to arrange the fifteenth mouse battalion, and stuff."

I wish I was arranging mouse battalions right now…!

The door opens back up, and Stormy walks in with Byakuren. "I suppose a little more practice ought to be…" His stare stopped at me. "Can I not?"

She smiled and shook her head. "Acceptance is a virtue, you see."

"Well, I'm not virtuous! I'm victorious is what I am!... or would at least like to be…" he trailed off.

Byakuren pushed things along. "Our friends here are in need of some assistance with matters. I'll be going now." Way to hightail it out of this room, Byakuren!

Speaking of, I'd like to let that not happen, if only to see how far I can push her!... although I can't really think of what to say.

...An~d she's gone. Damn. Watch me think up something good in a couple seconds from now.

"...So, what exactly do you two clowns need help with? I haven't got all day, you know." Stormy impatiently began, sitting down at the table.

Sakuya looked towards me, but I was too busy thinking of 'that one good phrase', so she had to answer herself. "...My mistress requested us to hunt gems for her-"

"Screw this, I'm not a delivery boy." Stormy stood up.

"No, no, you do not have to seek anything." Sakuya hastily corrected. "Rather, all I ask is that some gems of low worth be elementally enchanted to suit their colors. We don't want to find them either, you see."

He grinned, "Ooh, I get it. Cheaters, huh? I like that!..." and then his grin faltered. "...I only know basic non-elemental enchantments. Byakuren really should have stuck around. I don't know what the old nun's doing, but it was rather uncharacteristic of her to just take off like that."

If only he knew. That's it! I coulda accused her of being uncharacteristic!...

...A bit late for that, though. I raise a finger, "Do you have any gems on you for enchantment, as well? We didn't bring any."

Stormy shrugs. "Hey, I just live here. I don't… know… here." Nice sentence, son.

"...We'll ask Byakuren then." I settle with.

…

"We should probably go find her." Sakuya suggests.

"Nah, we'll just sit here." I rest my head on the table.

…

Sakuya grabs me by the back of the collar. "We're going to go f- uhhhh…" She paused, noticing Byakuren staring in through a barely opened door. She let out a short "eep!" and hid behind the door.

Time stopped! Go go hacker rangers! You see, it's not overpowered if the self-insert doesn't use them!

...Please don't choke me mid time skip, Yukari. I know you could do it, too, so don't!

Sakuya and I approached what was once a quickly retreating, flustered Byakuren, although now she's just flustered… and frozen in time.

"...What is it with everybody and being weird today?" Sakuya questioned.

Time to spill the beans! "I think Byakuren has a thing for crossdressing males."

...

Sakuya stares at me blankly. "There's no way."

Time resumed! I was immediately in front of Byakuren! Quick, act natural…!

I frown, raising my brows in a slightly embarrassed expression, and turn my knees inward, making sure to make them look as freakin' dainty as possible. Provided, this was masked by Kaguya's tubby skirt, but the feet still translated the body language. I brought my arms together. I probably looked fockin' stoopid like this!

"B-Byakuren… I was wondering if-"

Glomp! I was held up once more!

Sakuya stared in awe as I was lifted up against my will by Byakuren, who nuzzled her face against my chest.

…

Scene break? Scene break! Damn it, Yukari!

…

Byakuren, the last time I took a shower had to be… technically the rainstorm incident. That was… two or three days ago? Sorta? Considering my sleeping habits, the days all kinda blend together...

…

"Um…" Sakuya didn't know what to make of this. "...Do you need any help there?"

I felt Byakuren adjust her arms to better press herself against me. That was some force…! "...Considering I'm starting to feel the pressure, yes! Help!"

She walked up to Byakuren and tapped her on the shoulder. "...Hey, Byakuren. Let him go."

No acknowledgement!

Knives unfurled! "Let. Him. Go."

...No response!

Sakuya tried stabbing Byakuren, but was met with flesh of steel. Blame enchantments.

"...Well, then." She stepped back a bit. "I could try a spellcard, but I think you'd get caught in the line of fire…"

Byakuren let me slide down into her grasp better, now nuzzling my upper torso. "I need an adult! Sakuya, the nun is molesting me!"

Stormy walks out of the room and stares at the sight before him. "...What the fuck."

I'm ensnared! "Stormy, son, help! I might not make it!"

He threw his hands into the air. "Nope, not my problem! Not my problem, dude!" The door slammed behind him.

Byakuren worked her nuzzling up towards my neck, and I could smell the perfume now. "Sakuya, spellcard! I don't care, just do something!"

"Illusion Sign! Killer Doll!"

And so, I finally got the scene break I desired.

...except it's also the end of the chapter! Help no.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 16

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes due to an upgrade. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. After an enchanted sunflower was tacked on, it gained the ability to allow casting of Gaia Seed.

INVENTORY:

Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Dispenser - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Upgraded to have a nozzle with which the weapon can be utilized as a flame thrower with.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Due to a dark amulet upgrade, it may be used to cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. Has a very situational instant-death dealing condition that, let's be honest, I probably couldn't fulfil; it's just there for world building. Help no.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Marks the wielder for death, dropping instant death resistance to zero and forces them to take 25% increased damage from all sources, but Flandre wasn't aware of the negatives when she created it. Different from the dark-elemental hanger in that this converts missing health into pure speed and none into power, and the increased damage isn't as punishing.

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. It shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

Sakuya Izayoi, the Perfect and Elegant Maid - Questionably ordinary human, who happens to have a collection of silver knives from her past experiences, and just so happens to be really skilled with them. Also has the ability to halt time, thanks to a watch of hers. I wonder…

PRIMARY WEAPON: Silver knives: My stock-standard knives, especially effective against youkai and undead. Holy in nature. 

INVENTORY: Crimson Jazz knives: Jagged, incendiary knives made of red and crimson. Mostly identical aside from design, but not as effective against youkai. They probably hate burning alive more than silver, though…

Blue Rhapsody knives: Blue and silver metal are the materials of these knives. They constantly drip, and get everything wet. Freakin' soggy!

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

another rather slowly written chapter! this one was in development hell longer than duke nukem: forever, and hopefully wasn't even worse than that!

only 60-ish k words typed this month, i am disappoint. in myself.

in any case, hopefully i'll be able to pick up the pace from here, stuff and things and all.

also had to put this chapter through with a tire iron a few times because the latter portion of it was completely different than it is now and highly unsatisfactory, so i deleted it and tried again. i think i did way better this time, at least; that's what I get for super mixed writing sessions

if i seem to be crawling along… daz 'cause i am! i blame common problems like school and energy and laziness and video games and college preparation and and and… yeah the stuff you've ALL heard before from EVERYONE, but daz legit, it can get rough. i even have a friend who's an author who didn't work for an entire year on her legitimate novel due to school work, so it's not just a thing that hinders the uncommitted.

will you see things speed up? probably not no

BUT be assured that even if im going at 0.1 words per freakin' millennium, you'll see new content at points and things!

it's december… EIGHTH already? da~mn does time fly… hopefully christmas break allows for some good work to be done...

as always, see you all next time!


	19. Ancient Awkward Rock Formation

(in which byakuren goes through rehab)

I awaken stiffly… but I am in an actual be- futon! It's comfy enough, though.

I was also now in some generic monk-y garb. That's it, this is going to be called my "monkey garb". I saw my sack beside the futon, so that was promising. Kaguya's clothes were also folded up beside it, so I decided to just stuff 'em in the sack, too.

Looking around, I saw an open futon. Hmmm…

Rising from my fluffy tomb, I look around the rather bland and empty room. Was it me, or did this temple have too many rooms dedicated to singular pieces of furniture?

I get up and make my way to the only door, and open it. On the other side is an open hallway!

I walk out into it and I… have no clue where to go. Time to wander randomly and look like I know where I'm going!

I pass Mamizou, who pauses and turns, calling out to me. "Hey… Have I seen you somewhere before?"

Alright, critical thinking time! I couldn't let her know I was Kaguya, because reasons! "Daah, the rainy day incident?" I propose.

She shrugs. "...I heard your voice just the other day. You were dressed up as Houraisan. I wasn't hallucinating after all." Damn youkai memory…!

...I grin sheepishly. "...Oh, but you are! Very much so!" I wave my hand. "This is all~ a drea~m… Go to slee~p…!" I start flailing my arms.

"...Are you trying to get struck by lightning, or something?" she deadpanned.

I nodded. "Yeah. Exactly. Finally, someone gets it…"

…

Oh, yeah. "I said to go to sleep!" I pulled out Quake Maker, and quickly went through the process of casting Gaia Seed.

Fwooo…

The circle builds around her, and the earthiness flows!

…

She blinks. "I slept last night, you know. I mean, are you even trying? You're gonna make my legs numb slightly if anything."

...Well.

I stretch. "Time for me to hit the 'ol~... uh, dusty trail…" I begin walking off in the opposite direction of Mamizou...

I'm grabbed by the back of my shirt! "Oh, come now! We've only just met! Join me for a cup of tea, wouldn't you, dearie?"

...Who uses 'dearie'? You a grandma, or somethin'? In any case, I could use something energizing for my morning. If only monks believed in Kool-Aid…

...and I probably couldn't refuse anyway. "What happens if I say no?"

Her glasses flash. How do people do that!? "You'd have an unpleasant time. Theoretically, I mean. You wouldn't pass up a polite offer, would you?"

Theoretically my ass, you fluffy tailed frik…! "Oh, heavens, no! I'd love to have tea with great granny Mamazooie." Prepared to go back to sleep in three… two…

She chuckled. "You're lucky I'm not the gap youkai or somebody similar. They'd take that as open season to make your life _living~ hell~_." Mamizou punctuated her last two words! Classy!

I wave it off. "Been there, done that! Ten out of ten, would recommend to a friend. Actually, nine out of ten. Too many gaps."

She giggled. "Hahuhuh… You're from the outside, aren't you?"

She begins dragging me in the direction she was walking previously, presumably towards the tea.

I'd shrug, but this position isn't shruggable. Sad face. "I dunno, what gave it away?"

"Your scent, for one thing." ...That's a given, ain't it?

I was curious, though. "What's that mean, yo?"

"I can still smell the familiar scent of junk food and automotives on you. That stuff doesn't just come clean from you after you've spent your whole life with those scents. They become part of your chemical compounds… although that doesn't mean you necessarily smell like cars, or junk food. Just that you smell like someone who grew up around those." We reach the tea room.

...Shit, man. What was she again, a tanooki? Something like that.

"...Speechless?" Mamizou smirked.

"Yeah, kinda. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, but I am." I admit.

She looks curious. "...Do tell, what could have happened that's more surprising than that?"

Bullshit answer would be something like 'oh gensakey exists, woahoahoah', but hmmm…

...I dunno! "Stuff and things!"

...Critical thinking when you're given like five seconds to answer? Freakin' awkward and frustrating is what it is!

"...I asked for elaboration, not wasted words." She begins pouring the tea into little cups on the table. "Lemon. It's pre~tty good."

I take a sip. Hmm, not bad! I wouldn't drink it regularly, though… I'm more of a "decimate your natural energy with gallons of Kool-Aid" type of guy.

"...More surprising, huh? How about that time I made a combat ship out of tables to sail some loli vampires across the great flood of last-freakin'-week?" I reasoned.

"...Alright, point taken." Yeah, I did it! I won the money! I got the money! Ungh!

…

Sip. Hmm, I'm hardly even motivated to drink this. My taste buds are explodinated.

…

Sip. I'd probably be able to get used to this if I drank it all the time… but yo.

…

Down the hatches! I gulp the rest of the tea down in a single sip!

…

Mamizou pouts. "...Not even going to slow down to appreciate the taste?"

I shake my head exaggeratedly. "Nope, nope, nope. I quickly had enough of it, yo."

"You just don't have good taste. To be expected from a human as young as yourself, really." She took a sip of her tea.

While that very well may be true, you haven't discovered the elixir that is Kool-Aid! "Just another reason for me to obtain Kool-Aid…"

She tilts her head, grinning. "...Oh, right, that sugar water brand from the outside world. I've heard of it. I highly doubt it could compare to a good cup of tea, though."

Well, girl, now you done just gone did done made me mad! "Oh, it's on, yo. As soon as I find a way to get consistent canisters, I'm gonna like, pour a gallon down your throat."

My statement elicited a chuckle. "Alright, I'll hold you to that."

…

She sipped her tea, and I folded my arms. That's right, I hads the stuffs to do! "Say, uh, do you know where I could find Byakuren?"

Mamizou scratched her cheek. "Well, you see… she's a bit preoccupied at the moment."

That's curious! "...I'd like to know with what."

"...Well, after an incident earlier today, a few people are helping her resolve a personal issue, as it were." Insert tea sip here.

…I think I know what's going on, but not really! Something about her undying lust for the scent of crossdressers…

"In any case, she's down the hall. Take two rights and keep going straight. It'll be one of the featureless rooms on the left." She gestured to the hall I was supposed to take, using hand motions to semi-illustrate her instructions.

That reminds me… "Why are so many rooms dedicated to like, one to three pieces of furniture? I mean, this room has a table and a mat rug thing… and tea. It's literally five objects all together. Why's there so much space?"

She chuckled again in response. "We~ll, I could say it has some religious meaning… but the real reason is to minimize damages per room, cut down on furniture spending as this temple is frequented, and because none of us care or know how to do interior design."

I nod. "...I see…"

…

Sip.

I stand up. This was enough tea drinking for one day! "Take care, friend. I'm off to perform worldly tasks!"

"Don't be a stranger." Mamizou sounded off as I left, following the directions she had suggested.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I walk into the room to see Stormy running around in nothing but a bra and some knickers, being chased by a flustered Byakuren. Sakuya was sitting nearby on the floor, legs crossed, with her head in her hands. The resident nue is laughing like a maniac next to her.

…I walk up to Sakuya. "What happened, friend? Did we lose the war?"

Sakuya slowly looked up at me, then just shook her head and rested it back in her hands.

"...I think we lost the war."

"Nun, you will regret- Get back! Run, run run…!" Stormy was narrowly dodging grapples and lunges from a hungry-looking Byakuren.

I turn to Nue. "...So, did anybody know of this uh, obsession beforehand or…?"

Nue shook her head, laughing merrily. "Hahahah- no, n-no I didn't! Ha~hahah!"

Also, I noticed this room literally had no furniture in it. What the hell were these rooms!?

...I sat down next to Sakuya. I kinda wish I had a bag of goldfish for this…

"Somebody fucking help! God, da- aack!" Stormy had a close encounter with Byakuren's arms, barely ducking out of the way.

How do stop superhuman do? I had an idea…

I turned to Sakuya. "I've got the best plan for this situation!"

She blinked at me. "Oh, dear…"

I leaned forward to look past her at Nue. "You know where Nazrin went?"

Nue nodded, still having a giggle. "O-over there, somewhere." She pointed towards a door.

I got up and walked towards the door, and upon opening it I was greeted with a vast empty hallway, but many doors lined the walls to either side. This place was confusing…

I knocked on one door, and Murasa opened it. "Hello?" Her face examined mine. "...Oh, it's you."

...Her face quickly became annoyed. "Why're you at my room?"

I shrug. "I dunno, yo, I was told Nazrin was in this very vague location so I am systematically barging into every room."

Murasa rolls her eyes. "Yeah, well you're not gettin' into my room, lad. Go invade someone else's space."

She moves to click the door, but I decide to intrude! I step my foot in and start forcing the door back open. "You must have Nazrin in there! That is exactly why you don't want me in there!"

...Truth be told, I _knew_ Nazrin wasn't in there, but if I made a scene it's likely _someone_ would come to check it out, and that someone might be Nazrin!

...I was promptly punched in the chest, sending me sprawling against the door on the opposite side of the hall.

"Don't try your luck, deckhand!" With that, the door slammed shut.

The door I flew against opened, and I turned to greet…

A fluffle in monk robes, who was far too short to reach the door handle. Yeah, okay.

"hi pal"

I walked inside to examine the room, and there was an alarmingly high amount of furniture in here. Pots, pans, couches, tables, end tables, lamps… It was like a hoarder's home in here!

"make yourself at home" The fluffle crawled into the mass of furniture, able to nimbly navigate it due to its small size. I saw other fluffles squirm and dart around inside the tangle of poles and wood bits, and were they not fluffles I would have gotten the _fuck_ outta there- that's how creepy it looked.

I heard fluffy coos from the pile, too. They sounded kinda cute.

In any case, I could not navigate all this furniture! I was not tiny, nor tubby! I was mediocre-sized!

...Oh, yeah, looking for Nazrin.

I pulled out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber.

"...Property damage!" I roared, and as I backed out of the room, I chucked the hanger into the mess of furniture, and shut the door hastily.

Boom!...Bam, boom boom boom! BLAM!

What the fuck was going on in there!?

"Waaa~l!"

I heard the fluffles wail from the inside, and I felt the temple rumble.

Murasa opens her door moments later. "The hell's name just happened!?"

Another door opened, and Nazrin came out! Ya~y! "Are we under attack!?"

Yet another door opened, and Ichirin looked out. "W-what's going on…?"

...I grin sheepishly. "...Remember, remember, the fifth of November…"

Murasa glared at me. "It was you, wasn't it?"

I held up a hand as she approached me. "The gunpowder treason!... shall not soon be forgot…"

Nazrin sighed. "What even was that…?"

"Why don't we find out?" Murasa shoved me out of the way.

I try to stop her, but she's freakin' stronk and just deflects my arms. "Yo, don't open that door! There's unrealistic levels of violence on the inside!"

Murasa glances at me dismissively, then opens the door.

FWAAAAAAAA~

A torrent of furniture, flames, and fluffle parts propel Murasa back into her room, the door being blown off its hinges as she opened it a crack.

We were all forced to cover our ears as the blast continued.

~AAAAAAAAA~

The two girls were saying something, but hell if I could hear like this!

~AAAAaaaaa~

It was starting to die down, but my ears were ringing.

~aaaaa….

…

The girls looked disturbed, hands to their ears. I think I looked similarly, right now. Slowly, my hearing came back to me…

…"-the fuck?" Nazrin's voice slowly came to my ears.

"O-o~uch…" Ichirin backed into her room. "U-Unzan, we might need a doctor…!" Click. Her door closed.

Nazrin walked up to me. "What even was that!?"

I shrugged again. "Yo, I hardly even participated in that! It just kinda happened!"

She looked into the room, it was full of nothing but charred, unrecognizable bits. If that was all the temple's furniture… then uh, shit. Have fun replacing it!

"...Hmm." Nazrin walked in, reached into the ashes, and pulled out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber.

"...Hardly even participated." She turned to me, eyes cynical. "Su~re."

She tossed me the hanger, and I dodged.

Boom!

It exploded once it hit the floor, charring the floor in front of Murasa's room.

Nazrin blinked. "...I should have expected that."

I lifted it up, and shoved it into the sack. "Yeah, yo, ya shoulda!" I stood tall, and huffed.

Nazrin began walking back to her room. "See ya."

Hold on, I needed that mouse! "Yo, hold up! I've got a task, and it involves Byakuren!"

Nazrin turns to me. "...I'm listening. What's so important about it?"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Sitting in the middle of yet another blank room was Stormy, in the most trap-tastic pair of pink panties and little lacy bra ever. Provided, he was a hairy male and his hair was unkempt and masculine… the idea was still there, I guess.

"Kill me." Stormy sat in the fetal position under a box. The box was a simple wooden crate, held up by a stick. A string attached to it ran up and into the ceiling, where Nazrin was on the upper floor, holding the string.

Sakuya facepalmed. "This was the plan that required me to stop time twice to save madam masculine over here from inevitable molestation?"

Yeah, a few times upon setting this up Byakuren showed up and fucked our shit up. Not this time, though!

I nodded. "Yeah. Great plan, huh?"

"It's a box." Sakuya deadpanned. "Are you serious with this?"

I nodded. "Very serious. Gravely serious." My face fell. "Deadly serious."

"...You're not serious." she observed.

I shrug. "I dunno, maybe it'll work."

"I didn't waste an hour of my day for a maybe!" Nazrin bellowed from above.

"Be quiet up there, cuddly!" I yelled back. "You can get your snuggins' after we catch ourselves a nun!"

"No!" Nazrin protested loudly.

"Kill me." Stormy requested again.

I turned my head. "Later. Don't be such a bah~be~!" I suddenly made my voice really deep, attempting to impersonate Arnold Shch- whatever his last name is. It starts with an S!

"Oooh, look aht dah leetle bah~be! Waaauuugh!"

Sakuya giggled. "F-for fuck's sake, you're weird!"

I chuckle at her incredulation, but I don't say anything!

Suddenly, we hear heavy breathing once we stop laughing. We heard this the last two times we fucked this up, too!

I turn to Sakuya. "Time stop us, now!" I grab Sakuya's hand and she uses the other to flip open her watch.

Time stops, and I truly hop along for the ride this time! I collapse to the floor, my balance failing me.

Sakuya snorts. "Not as easy as you thought, hmm?"

Time magic sucks! "H-help…!" I feebly called from the floor.

The maid lifted me up, and carried me out a parallel door. She sat me down, crouched next to me, and time resumed.

…

The deep breathing stopped, and the other door creaked open. Byakuren air-headedly infiltrated the room, and began advancing towards the box. Suddenly, she ran and slid under it.

"Now, unleash the art of war!" I wailed.

Nazrin pulled the string from above, and the crate fell on Byakuren and Stormy.

"Shit! You asshoo~h, no! Wah~!" Stormy sounded very much molested, which was probably the opposite of what we wanted…

The box was pushed across the floor a bit as Byakuren was… getting frisky, I suppose.

"...I think that wasn't the desired outcome." Sakuya blankly stared at the scene before her.

I shrug. "Well, we trapped her."

In hindsight, we coulda just had Nue shapeshift into a trap girl and shift back once Byakuren was inside to properly trap her, but uhh…

Retrospect is a fun thing.

"A-aah, stop…!" Stormy weakly protested from inside. Nope! This fanfic doesn't need to be rated R!

"Sakuya, we need to help the wimp!" I call out.

Sakuya nods. "Very well."

Not a moment later, she was beside me with a very disturbed Stormy.

He slowly turned to me, a glare forming. "...I'm going to get you raped one day."

As if anyone wanted to even touch me! Hah! "Pffft, good luck with that." I waved my hand dismissively towards him. "Name people who'd even contemplate that thought! Other than the occasional fairy maid, those guys seem perpetually horny."

"...Hmm, I'll get back to you on that…" Stormy looked away.

...If he were _smart_ and _cultured_ , he woulda said succubi! Freakin' noob!

Byakuren shifted the box around primally, not bothering to lift it and instead just crashing it into walls and stuff.

"...How do we fix this, exactly?" Sakuya was puzzled.

Well, we could knock 'er the fuck out with Gaia Seed, if that even worked on someone of her caliber. Or I could drench her in water…

I pull out Deep Blue. "Let's give Byakuren a car wash!" I slammed it into the floor, channeling my mana!

Fwuuush!

A small geyser shot up under the crate while it was still, shooting it into the air. As it fell, Byakuren separated and fell to the floor, soaked and surprised.

Thud, clank-clank!

Both met the floor.

…

"...She doesn't look very fixed." Sakuya slowly approached Byakuren and poked her in the arm with the hilt of a knife.

I run up to her. "Wakey, wakey, you perverted personification of Christ!" I flipped her over and shook her by the shoulders.

"Wahuh?" She was coming back to us!

"This is ground control to Major Hijiri! You've really made the grain!" I exclaimed, my face nearing hers. "And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!"

Byakuren blinks lazily, until her eyes refocus. "A-ah…" Suddenly, she blushed. "...I-I'm so, so sorry…"

I shrug. "Ah, it's no biggie. Kinda like me on a Saturday!"

Sakuya gives me a concerned glance, before turning to Byakuren. "...Are you okay now, or…?"

"No. I… have a problem." Byakuren curled up into a fetal position. "...I am a depraved individual."

I pat her on the back. "Oh, come now… You can't be as bad as me, at least."

She glares at me. "Do you run around trying to molest those who catch your eye?"

Eh… "...Not necessarily, no." I admit.

"How often do you even experience lust? I doubt a man as young as you would have much sexual ambition for your age." Hold the phone, there, Byakuren! Do you not know how much the average teen boy thinks of boobs on a daily basis!?

I stand up. "Now, you have gone and done it. I shall show you all the crazy internet porn to corrupt your mind."

Byakuren tilts her head. "What?"

I stand and point upward heroically! "Follow me, Byakuren! I shall show you the ancient law of ecstasy my ancestors… didn't follow, and it's not so ancient, but y'know… my point still stands." Smooth moves!

She shook her head. "There's no way that illustrations exist on the caliber I desire."

Tsk, tsk, tsk. You have not seen the internet's capacity for erotica, Byakuren.

Nazrin fell from the ceiling somewhere behind us, and stood up hastily. "U-uh…"

Byakuren looked alarmed. "H-how much did you hear…!?"

"D-don't worry, Byakuren! I'll help you get better!" Nazrin yelped out awkwardly.

"Oh, gods…" Byakuren looked crestfallen. "What have I done…?"

There is only one solution. I turned to Sakuya.

"We must infiltrate Eientei again. This time, it's important. We have pornography to pirate." I say this with the most serious of expressions.

"...I don't know how to feel about this vacation anymore."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

It was near dusk when we set out from the temple on our epic quest to find internet porn. The temple could really use a computer!

...Byakuren didn't want to be seen committing this grave activity, so we all decided to travel by cardboard box.

Needless to say, we're still at the front path of the shine, clumsily trying to walk in unison to move the box.

"Guys! Left then right! It's not that hard!" Nazrin barked at us, determinedly marching with her left and right feet.

I clumsily tried to keep up, only to mess up completely and cause us to veer to the right.

Byakuren was nervous as hell because Kyouko was sweeping the path ahead. "W-we can't let her see us! Not like this!" Byakuren began shouting and walking in the opposite directions, causing us to do 360s across the path.

Kyouko looked over to us, her face shifting to one of amazement as she watched a giant cardboard box gracefully spin across the front path, straight down the stairs.

...Oh, shit! We're falling down the-!

I grabbed one of the flaps and pulled it in and hugged it. It shielded me from many of the jagged impacts, and Byakuren just flat out tanked the rest with her body because she can. I don't think she even noticed the whole 'jagged stone' part of the stairs. Freakin' enchantments…

Nazrin was shaken, but alright. "A-ah… This is what happens!"

Sakuya lifts the box from the outside. "...This is the part of the plan where I'm supposed to get in. Is that a good idea?"

I shake my head, but Byakuren nods hastily. "Yes, I need people! I can't do this alone!"

And so, a party became a crowd.

We were all tightly squeezed in the cardboard box, and moving was now just stupid.

"Even the strides out! Brad, stop, stop, st-... shit." Sakuya sighed as we veered to the right again.

"I'm sorry, yo! I can't do the synchronization and things!" I'd be waving my arms, if they wouldn't clip everyone ever if I did!

"Alright, three, two…" Nazrin started walking.

...Byakuren never started walking though, and we got stuck in place. I ended up walking straight into the two girls in front of me, and they bounced back against the cardboard. Quickly, we all fell into Byakuren and tipped her over, and the box fell onto its side as we all fell.

"...This sucks." Nazrin huffed.

"..." Byakuren didn't seem to have registered even falling over, having fallen into a trancelike state.

I couldn't do a lot with Sakuya and Nazrin sprawled out on me! I'd appreciate this situation were they not practically crushing me…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The box now had armored plates on the sides, and we had cut a eye hole of sorts in the 'front', led by Sakuya and Nazrin. Byakuren was instructed to just sit on a 'seat' we installed on the inside, to prevent catastrophic destruction.

"...What's even the big deal with 'not being seen', anyway?" I ask Byakuren while trying to keep up the pace with the busybodies steering the thing.

"W-what do you mean? I cannot… reveal myself to the world like this. I'm ashamed to-"

I cut her off. "Who? The fluffles? The generic youkai friks? Yo, just act natural! Get some stealth fapping skills, and have less remorse!"

The cart's performance wobbles a bit in response to my off-the-wall statements, but it quickly stabilizes.

"B-but it's improper!" Byakuren disagrees with the idea.

"Proper, shmoper! Who cares about being politically correct?" I argue as we continue moving. We're actually gettin' a good groove on now, yo!

Sakuya raised a hand, although I barely caught it since her and Nazrin's hands were kinda already raised, pushing the front of the box. "Me, if it means less troublesome circumstances like these occur."

Nazrin seems indifferent. "I dunno about politics, but I'm not the biggest fan of getting pulled into these situations."

Byakuren looked freakin' petrified. "I-I...I'm sorry…"

"U-uh…" Nazrin quickly backpedals! "I-I mean, it's alright if it's, uh…"

"It is strange, but Gensokyo probably has stranger." Sakuya replies offhandedly, and dare I say slightly tactfully!

"...I-I suppose…" Byakuren still looked highly uncomfortable!

We neared the bamboo woods, and I heard the writhing of vines all around us.

"...That sounds unpleasant." Sakuya provides helpfully.

"What's going on out there?" Nazrin seems slightly annoyed.

Right… "Don't stop to think, just keep moving, friends. You don't see it right now, but a horde of killer vines are probably all around us."

Straight ahead, a huge vine column shoots up and darts across the forest in front of us, before drilling back into the Earth below.

"...What." Nazrin's face paled.

Sakuya sighed. "I should have remembered this detail…"

"Nonsense, friends! Keep pushing forward! We're halfway there, woah-oh! Livin' on a prayer!" I encourage the party!

It makes even more sense with Byakuren in the… box tank…!

"We're not even halfway through the forest. We're just entering the forest." Sakuya corrects.

I raise a finger. "You see, the vines have thoroughly broken the illusion bits, and things have just generally gone to shit, so unless the vines eviscerate us and tear the box apart, we should be okay!"

Nazrin turns to me and glares. "Was that supposed to help!?"

I nod. "Yeah, kinda."

"...Well, it didn't!" she huffed.

"Waaauu!" I heard the monotone wail of a yukkuri from somewhere nearby. It probably got munched by the vines and stuff. Rip, friend.

We had a few visual sightings of vines from our little window thing, but somehow our huge ass tan cardboard box was wholly ignored by the everything kicking the forest's ass.

We reached Eientei and infiltrated the front door with much stealth… not like it was necessary, as the outer frontlines of the place were mostly void of rabbits, the majority of them all filing inside.

Upon reaching the front reception room, we navigated the box to a corner of the room and sat it down.

Sakuya blinked. "...I can't believe that actually wo-"

"Shhh!" I bring my finger to my lips and get in her face, and then look out the view hole.

Reisen ran into the room with a shotgun-esque device. "Everyone, primary hallway pincer formation! No- not the fire escape, you dolts! We're surrounded- even if you wanted out that'd… aauugh!" Reisen sounded like she was having fun.

I lift the box as she nears it. "Itsa monster house!"

Reisen's eyes widen and she pivots towards me, shotgun thing aimed.

She fired, and one of the box's metal plates was struck, having been placed midway between me and her. I flew back into Nazrin and Byakuren, the latter of whom didn't budge. Nazrin fell over, though.

"...I had a feeling that would happen." Sakuya shook her head.

"What the hell…" Reisen glared at me. "Where did you even…"

I stand up and stare at the metal plate, various magical burn marks still emitting a purple glow on the metal. That probably would have been fun to be hit by!

"I dunno, we came to invade Kaguya's room, yo." I put my arms up in a "that's life, yo" manner...kind of like a shrug!

Reisen stares at me uncomprehendingly, then just shakes her head. "Do whatever, either you're helping or you're hiding!" Reisen moved up towards the reception desk and stationed herself on the inside of it, aiming her shotgun at the door.

I nod. "Let's go, friends."

Nazrin reluctantly follows Sakuya and me… and we realize Byakuren's still standing awkwardly where the box was first lifted, contemplating life or something.

I snap my fingers. "Yo! Nancy the nun, c'mere!" I call out to her, but she's not paying attention.

I walk up to her and rest a hand on her shoulder, and she jumps.

"A-ah!"

I smile. "...Get goin'!" I try to push down on her back, but I don't receive many productive results other than slightly tiring out my arm.

"A-alright…" Byakuren walks forward aimlessly, and walks ahead of the other two.

"...I mean follow me!" I called out to her as she walked down the hallway.

She froze in place. "Oh! I'm terribly sorry, I've been preoccupied…"

"Yeah, I couldn't tell." I remark as we press forward. Now, to find our way to Kaguya's room…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After a very tedious trudge through the once more panicked halls of Eientei, I eventually guided us to Kaguya's room!

"That took too long!" I exclaim, kicking the door open. No one's inside to greet us, though; I assume Kaguya and Mokou were off getting their treatment for deadly neurotoxin or whatever.

Sakuya looked around the room. "So… this 'internet pornography'..."

I walked up to Kaguya's computer, which was naturally on, and not even in sleep mode.

"I've heard some passing words, but I've never really seen this 'internet'." she added, tilting her head at the computer.

...You know, I never thought about that. Life without internet. Gensokyo didn't have internet at large.

Huh.

…

In any case, I popped open the internet browser and opened the private browser by instinct.

I wave to Byakuren. "C'mere, yo. Lemme show you somethin' beautiful…"

The three ladies stared at the HD screen as I loaded up my favorite lewd booru and skillfully entered the tags for a section I think Byakuren'd be interested in.

What was the term for it, again? Oh, yeah. 'Trap' girls.

I opened the page and quickly began shift-clicking images to open them in new tabs, and began showcasing them to Byakuren.

Nazrin looks away hastily. "Nope! Don't need to see this! Didn't know what to expect, but now I do!"

Sakuya winces, but keeps looking. "...I'd like to ask if this is really necessary…"

...After a few moments, I look to Byakuren and grin. "...So uh, like what you see?"

She's staring intently at the screen. "...Bring me the _internet porn_."

...I wonder if we can get Yukari to hook some DSL up to the Myouren Temple…

Byakuren pulls the mouse from my hand and waves it in the air, and nothing happens.

"...That's not how meeses work, you freakin'..."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After teaching Byakuren the basics of how a keyboard and mouse work, she asked us to leave her alone for awhile.

I began walking away from the door with Sakuya, while Nazrin just stood there.

"Where're you two going?" she questions us.

I turn and smile. "I think Byakuren needs some alone time, yo."

"...What do you-"

Time to cut to the chase! "I mean she's flickin the be- Oi!" Sakuya whapped me on the back of the head.

"I don't think you need to be _that_ direct." she reprimanded.

Nazrin got the point, though. "O-oh… I get it."

We left towards the front reception room again, Sakuya retracing the steps for us because hell if I'd freakin' memorize a path. I trusted that Byakuren would clean up after she was done!

"...Weren't we supposed to get her to enchant some gems for us?" Sakuya reintroduced the main concept of what the frik we were supposed to be doing.

I nod. "Yeah. Yo, if she has a clear mind after the whole thing, then we can actually get something done!"

Sakuya smirked at me. "You know, if these situations were handled differently, this probably could have gotten done a lot sooner…"

I shrugged. "Well, yeah. We still did a good deed!"

Nazrin glared at me. "I beg to differ…"

"...It's the thought that counts?" I try, grinning.

"The thought was bad. You're a bad person." Nazrin emphasizes, expression vain.

"...Well, shit." Fluffy days.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We reached the front reception area, where Eirin was milling about, apparently.

"Get behind the desk, already!" Reisen was still cautiously seated behind the desk, shotgun primed.

"Sure." Eirin was too busy managing what looked like a smartphone.

Looking around, I didn't see much else to do other than wait, so I sat down at one of those little plastic chairs in the lobby, and the others joined me.

"...T-those vines are coming, you guys! Get to safety!" Reisen yelled at us.

I glanced at her, "I don't have time, screw that." and then stared at the floor idly.

Nazrin looked at the front door. "...Not a whole lot of 'coming' going on."

I grin, and Sakuya groans the moment she notices.

"...I bet there's a whole lotta 'coming' goin' on elsewhere, if you know wha- auh!" Sakuya whapped me on the back of the head, again.

"...Damn it." Nazrin cursed.

Eirin finally finished whatever she was doing with her smartphone-esque device, then turned to look at us. "Ah, you three. Unique group. Why are you here?"

Noticing no one else opting to speak, I decide to. "Well, our friend had this problem she needed treatment for…"

"Which one of them is it? I'll have it done in a jiffy; you see, I'm quite busy at the moment…" Eirin begins slipping some gloves on.

Byakuren walks out of a door opposite to the one we left from. Yeah, I dunno how this place works. Regardless, she looks refreshed!

"That was goo~d…" she wistfully sighed, hugging herself.

Eirin turns to stare at her blankly, and I get up and walk up next to her.

"Good job, Doctor Yagokoro! You cured her! That really was quick!" I smile at her.

"...I didn't even participate in that. It just… happened." Eirin wasn't sure what to think of this situation.

I then approach Byakuren. "You feelin' it now, mister K- I mean… yeah?" Eheh…

"...I feel relieved. I may wish to make… return trips, in the future." she adds.

Oh, right. "You could always ask Yukari for internet or the likes… or at least try. I don't think it'd hurt too much!"

She nods. "I'll think about it."

The two other friends approach, and Nazrin looks at Byakuren hopefully. "...A-are you really okay?"

Byakuren smiles and nods. "Never better."

"I knew you weren't a pervert, Byakuren!" Nazrin hugged her waist.

I exchange an awkward "well shit" look with Byakuren, and Sakuya just snorts and shakes her head.

"...I'll be off working on the patients, then. I expected vines, Udongein, not… whatever this medical predicament that transpired was. I expect better use of my time from now on." Eirin impatiently reprimands her subordinate and proceeds to leave the room.

"..." Reisen rests her head on the desk, tired.

…

"We still need those gems enchanted." Sakuya added, folding her arms.

Byakuren gasped. "Oh! I almost forgot. Come, I think I have a few cheap ones we could practice on…"

Byakuren then scooped us all up in her grasp, and proceeded to fly out the front door with us. Freakin' enchantments.

We flew over a storm of vines which suddenly lunged for the door was it opened, and the sound of shotgun fire resounded from inside as we stayed cautiously above until we were able to raise over the forest.

...I say 'we', but Byakuren was doing everything.

"...I can fly on my own, you know." Sakuya irately responds to the situation.

"Can I not show a little good will?" Byakuren smiles sincerely.

...Now that I think about it… "...I think I know where these hands have been. I'd prefer not to think about it, though."

Nazrin blinked… and realized what I was implying. "...Noooo~!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Hopefully this chapter is less awkward here on out, because the lewd stuff is done with!

Also, we're at the temple now, actually accomplishing what we set out to do. It only took too long to do it, too!

Byakuren laid out an assortment of rather blandly colored stones and 'gems' on this room's only kotatsu. Once again we were in a somewhat decently sized room that had nothing but paper walls and a single piece of furniture. I thought the fluffles did it, but considering everyone treats it as normal… I guess buddhists are minimalists, too? I'm confused.

"...I don't think any of these are what we had in mind." Sakuya blinked awkwardly at the assortment of mediocre gems and stones.

"Nonsense! I'm sure we can get it all sorted…" Byakuren cheerfully replied. "Topaz, ruby, and sapphire, right?"

I nod. "Yeah. Supposedly elementally enchanted, and you can guess with what elements."

She nods in return. "Alright. Let's see…"

She pulls out her rainbow scroll and begins cycling through the mysterious patterns and shapes on it, before stopping it at key points and whirling it back and forth. Reminds me of myself with an Ipad!

Before long, one of the white stones began glowing blue.

"One…"

With a bright flash, one of the amethyst-esque gems had a red tint to it.

"Two…!"

Finally, the third and final gem was… more like an opal-wannabe rock thing. It had a yellow tint added to it.

"...Three." Byakuren smiled. "There you are."

Sakuya had a lopsided smile. "...Thanks."

I grin. "Good enough!"

I pocket the new 'gems' into my sack of tricks and traps and crap, and turn to face Sakuya. "We have accomplished everything we have set out to do!"

She shakes her head slowly. "...Hah."

"Thanks again for your help…" Byakuren trails off, not knowing my name.

"Just call me Tibby Tubby Tabs, yo." I give a charismatic thumbs up!

"...His name is Brad. He's a hooligan." Sakuya elaborates lazily.

"...Thank you, Brad." Byakuren bows. "It is thanks to your help that I can now find peace of mind from my… worldly desires."

I shrug. "Aaah, it was nothin' a little of the 'ol Rule Thirty-four couldn't fix!" A reference nobody in Gensokyo would understand. Except maybe Sanae or Kaguya.

"I suppose I'll be seeing you two around, then. Do take care." Byakuren waved to us as we began for the door.

"I will, yo."

"Very well. Take care, Byakuren."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Don't you dare come back!" Stormy shouted behind us as we casually stepped down the stairway away from the Myouren Temple.

"Please come again!" Kyouko waves to us, smiling.

Freakin' mixed signals yo!

…

Now at the bottom of the stairs, we must decide the plan of action!

"Shall we show Remilia our 'gems'?" I propose. "It _is_ almost evening, so y'know…"

Sakuya nods. "That would be the best course of action, I'm sure."

We walk down the path near the walls of the human village…

"Should we cut through the village?" I ask.

"No."

Sounds about right!

…

After a few tedious moments of walking, which were accented by starry Gensokyian skies, we reached the path towards the Hakurei Shrine.

"Should we stop by the shrine? It's kinda late, and I don't feel like dealing with an irate Remilia with a stiff back…" I throw yet another idea out there.

"...You might be right, actually. I'm sure we can convince the shrine maiden." Sakuya grins.

I grin back. "Shrine maidens are cuddly."

"You're cuddly." she retorts, not quite thinking said retort through.

"Yeah, I am." Smug face.

"...Damn." she pouted. I finally one-upped the maid in one of the convermasations! Yeahahah!

We reach the shrine steps, and begin climbing. Well, I began climbing, until Sakuya began flying.

"Have fun." ...and there she goes. Freakin'...

Oh, right.

I pulled out my yin-yang flail-o-copter and began winding it up! Screw gravity!

Hovering into the air, I ascended up until I reached the top steps, where Sakuya was waiting for me with an incredulous look on her face.

"You _still_ have that?"

I chuckle. "Yeah, yo!"

We march up to the shrine, and unceremoniously bang on the door, our unsynchronized bangs creating a great racket that was probably audible from the entirety of the shrine grounds.

"Shut up! Shut up! I'm coming!" Tumbling and stomping was heard, but before long Reimu reached the door and whirled it open.

Her disheveled shrine maiden outfit told the war story. "What do you two want at this hour…?"

"Aho~y, Reimu! Did yah bring nehw gheshsts!?" bellowed Suika from within, who seems to have been doing the can-can with Youmu and Ha-chan.

Yeah, I dunno about this…

Sakuya and I warily glance inside, neither one of us really up for a night of being hammered by the might of an oni.

Reimu notices our caution. "Run. Far away. Don't come back while you're at it."

"Let's give 'em a bi~g hug!" Suika directed her merry band towards us!

"Run!" Reimu shouted before she was bowled over by a smashed Youmu who didn't know where she was going.

Sakuya grabbed me and dashed off with me bridal style, while Ha-chan and Suika ran out after us, before meeting unfortunate fates to the first few steps outside the mighty Hakurei front porch.

"Wawawaah~!" Ha-chan wailed, face meeting stone.

Suika face planted as well, but she left a print in the shape of her face and horns in the stone before somersaulting into an upright position. "Wa~hoo!"

Sakuya runs forward and leaps down the Hakurei staircase from hell. I assume a combination of flying and gravity are what allow this dramatic, floaty leap to be what it is.

Suika tries to imitate, only to fall down and tumble down the stairs, breaking numerous segments of the stone upon each impact. As the oni fell in her pre-determined path, Sakuya steered our controlled descent towards the lake grounds, away from all the crashing and the smashing. I suppose we were gonna do that whole Remilia thing now, then…

I dunno what to say about this situation. "...All you need is a cape and this'd be perfect."

Ah, Mario references… The most mediocre of references!

Sakuya snorts. "I don't know what you're talking about. Just because I serve vampires, doesn't mean I am a vampire."

Not quite what I was getting at, but sure!

We neared the shore on the other side of the lake, and touched down upon it.

Sakuya drops me to the floor, and I land on my back, surprised. "Wahah!"

She snorts in amusement, but doesn't do much else.

I stand up, looking around the shore and dusting myself off. "...We should find some sandy fluffs."

The maid looked mildly annoyed. "Why?"

"I dunno, yo. I just have to." I look around the shore, and low and behold, a fluffle had its head buried under a patch of sand, its torso and legs sticking out.

"Friend." I walk up to it, and pluck it from the Earth.

It stares at me after an awkward moment of realization, then promptly weakly squirms in the direction of the sand. Cuddly.

I stuff it into the sack. "Have fun with Stanley, friend. I'll name you George Jetson."

Sakuya blinked, furrowing her brows in confusion. " _Why?_ "

I began walking towards the mansion, not saying anything, and Sakuya gave up the effort to continue discussion.

On our way there, we find the three rogue fairy maids of fairy maid-ness sitting around a little campfire.

Komi looks towards us, and begins to approach us.

"Fear us, humans! We are great fairy youkai!" she exclaims, attempting to look intimidating.

"What are you three doing?" Sakuya deadpans.

Koi raises her fists. "Yo… dawg? Is that how they say it?" Koi questioningly glanced at Komi.

Komi turns to face her, already becoming irritated. "No! We agreed on the whole charismatic youkai thing! Where the hell did we even get "hoodlum-esque" from!?"

Namori looked intimidated by life itself, as usual. "U-um… I-I thought it would be a good idea… yo?"

Komi turns to Namori, and gives her a slasher smile. "Namori, when I'm done with you, you're going to be nothing _but_ an idea."

"Hawawa!" Namori 'hid' behind the campfire, if you could do something like that.

I start doing some stretches. "Man, it's getting freakin' late…"

Sakuya nodded. "At least the mistress might be in a more reasonable mood during her conventional hours."

Komi realizes we're not focusing on them anymore. "Hey! You two are going to be nothing but youkai chow! That includes you, human male! I thought you were going to usurp her from power, not become butt buddies with her!"

I shrug exaggeratedly, flailing my arms. "Yo, I was workin' on a peaceful resolution! After I got my ass kicked, that is! Look, yo, Sakuya's like, five hundred percent more reasonable!"

"I don't want to hear your excuses! I want to hear your screams of terror!" Komi takes an offensive stance.

"...Screams of _pleasure_ , you mean." Koi looks smug, running her hands up her hips.

"..." Komi gives Koi the stink eye.

"...C-can we just be friends?" Namori proposes.

I nod and step forward. "Fairies! I choose to spare you!" I held up a hand and stuck my chin up in the air rea~lly high. "Accept my offer, or I will be forced to beat the magic from your cellulites!"

For those who don't know, that means I'm going to beat the magic from their fat! I don't think even Sakuya knows what I meant by that, and I only repeated the word 'cellulite' from a quote I heard prior, so only upon later googling did I figure out it meant fat. It still worked great, even if literally _none of us understood it_.

"Suck it!" Komi gave me the middle finger.

"Please!" Koi began to lift her skirt, revealing orange striped panties underneath.

"U-uh…" Namori looked coy, poking her fingers together.

Sakuya stepped back. "I'm pretty sure you can deal with these guys."

Gee, thanks.

"Don't you-!"

Sakuya vanished.

"-dare run…" Komi trailed off, expression growing tired as Sakuya likely time teleported over to a remote location to watch us.

...After a ginger moment of me looking around with a stupid grin on my face, Komi takes a plan of action. "We're going to best you this time!"

Koi yawns. "Can we just ask him to-"

"Koi, shut up." Komi glares at her. "We're going to defeat him this time! I'm sure of it!"

Namori looked nervous. "B-but we literally didn't learn _any_ new-"

"He doesn't need to know that!" Komi snaps at Namori.

Komi stomps towards me, but Koi just moves towards the fire and sits down near it. "You do that, Komi-chan. I'm just gonna relax and sit this one out…"

Namori reluctantly made a decision, and that decision was to sit down near the fire. "S-sorry, Komi-chan…"

Komi narrowed her eyes at her companions, before turning to me. "Fine. I'll do this myself!"

Black danmaku began orbiting me, and I stood there, getting my reflexes ready.

…

Some of it dissipated, and she made more.

…

"Uh…" I awkwardly look around me. "Is it supposed to uh…"

Komi looked pissed. "Y-you're supposed to try and dodge out of it…"

"Why, though? It might be a problem if things actually entered the circle you made to get me, but uh... " This was more like a support ability, and not a direct attack.

"I-it's a cunning trap! Now you can't get out!" Komi looked smug. "You're stuck in there, and when you fall asleep from the boredom, I'll have my way- I mean, hurt you!" Komi, please.

Freakin' fairy perverts.

I smirk, though. "You think you can beat me at doing nothing at all? Alright, yo." I sit down criss-cross style, on my legs. "I'm just gonna meditate. I mean, I might as well with these monk clothes on."

Speaking of, I felt like a fancy scholar with them on! I just needed a cap!

Once I got really bored I could pull out a 3DS, and if I was rea~lly willing to escape from here, I'd just cast Geyser or something to disrupt Komi or the likes. Or just tank some of the danmaku; that'd work too.

...But she challenged my capacity to do _fuck all_! I couldn't have that!

...So I sat there. And thought. And thought. And thought till my thoughter was all thoughted out.

To my surprise, Google Docs says "thoughter" and "thoughted" are words.

In any case… we'll be right back.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

And we're back! How were them commercials, yo? Oh, that's right, this is fanfiction. I forget that, sometimes.

I dunno how long I sat there, but I was now lying on the grass with my 3DS in my hand. I was really sick of Smash 4 by this point. Please, Yukari, give me my 3DS case full of games!

I could probably escape right now, if I wanted. Komi was deliriously adding bullets to the circle, but at so slow a rate it was like, two slow-moving bullets every ten seconds. She was shot, essentially.

I could barely keep my eyes open, idly staring at the menus of Smash 4, not having the energy to press anymore buttons. The only reason this thing wasn't out of batteries was because I had the brightness all the way down, 3D off, auto-brightness off, and the backlight off. This thing could tank some hours like that! It's only half dead right now!

"Give up…" Komi muttered.

I grinned at my 3DS in response.

"Give up…" Komi repeated.

I think the sun was rising.

"Give up…"

I need sleep.

"Give up…"

...and so did she! That fuels me… to not sleep!

"Give up…"

Koi walked up to her, having woken up from a good night's sleep. "Holy shit! You guys are still at it? Wahahaha~!"

"Give up…"

Namori giggled softly.

"Give up…"

I separated one hand from the 3DS, and used the last energy in it to give Komi the bird, before the hand uselessly fell to the soil. C'mon, energy…!

"Give… up…" Komi began shooting the bullets into the air, collapsing on the floor.

"Wahahahaha~!" Koi was in hysterics. "This just made my morning!"

I drop my 3DS on my chest, and let my other hand fall to my side. Must have… determination…!

"Give… up…"

Must… have… sleep… deprivation!

"Give… up…"

I heard footsteps approach me, and I just stared straight up into the dim morning sky. Suddenly, Remilia's face entered my vision, her parasol hanging over me as well.

"...What is he doing?" she asked someone.

That someone was Sakuya! "It was a competition, of sorts. The fact it went on this long is… peculiar."

I can't move things! Send fluff!

"...Anyone there?" Remilia waves a hand over my face. "Wake up, you."

"...I think he's done for today, mistress." Sakuya added. "I think he needs rest."

Remilia rolled her eyes. "Pfft. This man, rest?... I've got an idea."

She turned to Sakuya. "Motivate him."

Sakuya looked at me thoughtfully, before teleporting away.

"...Sakuya?" Remilia looks around confused. "...Did she-"

Sakuya was back with a pitcher full of Kool-Aid. "Open up, or your chin's getting dyed red."

She kneels next to me, and opens my mouth, then begins pouring-

"Gurk! Gufg! Pft-guh!" I sputtered, the Kool-Aid being forced down my throat, some of it running down my cheek and chin from the overflow.

Quickly, I sit up, displacing the pitcher and spitting out what I couldn't down. "Pftt-ooo!"

I felt the sugar rush kick in, and instead of hyperactive, I was awake. Still tired, but awake!

I raise my arms into the air lethargically. "I li~ve!"

"...Quite fortunate, hmm?" Remilia folds her arms and grins. "It was quite fortunate that-"

She paused as I gulped down Kool-Aid straight from the pitcher, some of it flowing freely down my mouth and onto my monk robes.

"...What's it that he's even drinking?" she questioned.

I pause and bring the pitcher away from my mouth, catching my breath. "It's the good shit, sonny." I rasp out.

Sakuya snorts at my answer, but elaborates anyway. "It's that Kool-Aid substance we had delivered as one of the gap youkai's favors."

"Oh, that stuff. I never tried it personally, but I hear Flandre liked it." Remilia nodded, then blankly stared at me. "...and apparently you do, too."

I brought the pitcher to my mouth and began gulping it down again.

Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp…

I part it from my lips. "Ha~h!... I feel like a _god_!" I exclaim, eyes widening as I take in the dirt path around me.

"...I've never seen Flandre act like this before…" Remilia tilts her head.

"It's quite peculiar, milady." Sakuya nodded.

Poor Komi, however, was already zonked. "...Up... give…"

She was muttering to herself, lying on the floor. I walked up to her, opened her mouth, and began pouring Kool-Aid in.

"...Gufh! Gack! Gufufhhu!"

I brought it away and let her flail at the air a bit, before she sat up.

"Give up! I'm awake, too!"

I shake my head. "Call it a tie and you get the rest of the pitcher."

Komi shrugged, "Fuck it." and took the rest of the pitcher and began downing it.

I walk towards the vampire. "Hello, Remilia! I am somewhat awake and not really alert, but I'm not dead yet!"

Remilia smiles. "Well, that's good. We have matters to discuss."

Oh, boy… "I'm sure they're plea… pleh…"

My vision began blurring, and quickly my sugar rush came to a screeching halt. I seem to have written a check my body's energy banks couldn't cash, and thus… I crashed!

Thud.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

…

Remilia stared at my fallen body. "... I guess it's not _that_ great, then."

Komi blanched. "Oh, shit. Is that gonna happen to me?..." She turned to her friends. "Well, Koi, Namori... when I die, I'm gonna haunt your asses."

Koi folded her arms and looked smug. "Fairies don't die. They respawn."

Komi groaned audibly. "You insufferahhawah~..." Komi's speech took a turn for the worst as her consciousness waned.

Thud.

"...Sakuya, carry Brad back to the manor, find him a guest bed or the likes." Remilia requested.

Sakuya scratched her cheek. "...Are the guest beds ready, yet?"

The vampiress nodded. "Indeed. Meiling prepared some quarters the other day."

Moving at a steady pace, the maid scooped me up bridal style again, and time skipped away with my limp body.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

…

I slowly awoke in a bed. A bed! It's… beddy! And soft!...

…

After burying my face in a pillow, I decided to go back to sleep. I'll take what rest I can get, yo…

…

Suddenly I was flung out of bed as the blankets were ripped from me.

"Gwahahoh!" I clumsily exclaimed as I rolled to the floor. "Jesus, fuck!"

Sakuya looked down at me with much amusement. "Mistress has requested you. You've slept for a generous twelve hours, and it's night again."

Dayum.

I slowly rose to my feet, my head slightly aching from the abruptness of the wakeup call, but it's nothing I wasn't used to by this point.

"...Haa~h…" I yawned and stretched.

"...Mistress is a tad impatient after a twelve hour wait, you see. You had best make haste." Sakuya advised with what I coulda sworn was a hint of smugness.

"Well she can freakin' drop dead and make me pancakes, yo. I gots'ta wake up and be ready for the big burly business blowout!" I retort.

"...Bi-"

I cut Sakuya off. "Bums!"

"...Well, spend your time wisely." Sakuya folded her arms, slightly perplexed but somewhat used to my unorthodox methods of negotiations!

Well, I had my clothes on, the dining room was… I dunno, actually, this mansion's all new, isn't it?

I march outside. "To exploration!"

I make sure to slam the door behind me to separate me from Sakuya so I could march off blindly and get myself lost. Sadly, she teleported beside me, so uh…

"Allow me." Sakuya moved forward, and I decided that following her might be in my best interest.

...Which means I chose to not follow her! Perfect!

I walked in the opposite direction, only to find a Sakuya popped out!

She looked slightly annoyed this time. "Please, do not make me use force."

Daw. I'm pretty sure this path of action would just result in me getting knocked out for twelve hours again, so I just decided to follow her.

"Fine, yo. I was just joshin' ya."

Sakuya turns to me. "Do so more tactfully, then. Preferably without harming yourself, as that would be most unpleasant."

I keep a poker face until Sakuya turns around. Once she does, I begin grinning but reply in a remorseful tone. "...Would it really…?"

The maid pauses abruptly, and I quickly hide my grin, trying my best to at least look neutral or something.

It seems to have worked! "...I suppose I would feel some sorrow were you to be injured."

I let my grin shine. "I'm surprised! You do infact care for my well-being!"

She makes a slightly pressured expression. "W-well, the mistress would be displeased if her source of entertainment were out of commission."

I keep my grin as I shake my head. "Doesn't explain the sorrow, yo."

"I would feel your sorrow from your injuries, I meant." Sakuya attempted to backpedal again.

"...Wouldn't that still be you caring?" I question. Her sentence was weird!

"...Just be quiet." Score! Doctor Plant Hangers: one, Sakuya: zero!

We near Remilia's room, which has a door nearly identical to last time. Where'd they get the materials for this crap…?

It creaks open slowly. That'd mean something to me if this door wasn't built literally around two or three days ago. Now it just tells me the fairy maids are shitty construction workers.

We step inside, and Remilia is seated at the typical golden-and-red-velvet throne, albeit placed awkwardly in the center of the bedroom.

"Greetings, you two…" Remilia began. We walked up to a table placed in the clearly tactful spot of like, to the left of the throne.

"Care for some tea?" Remilia offered. Truth be told, I was just following Sakuya's lead, as she seemed to know ahead of time how this little meet's superficial meet'n'greet activities would commence.

"Sure, why not." I reply. "Tea to the T, yo." I sit down at the tea table.

"..." Remilia stared at me awkwardly, before continuing. "...Did you two enjoy your… vacation?"

I nod. "We found lotsa shit!"

"All three gems?" Remilia tilted her head.

"Yeah. That one in particular." I emphasized.

"Let's see them, then." she requested. "I'm curious as to how you could have found all three as quick as you did."

I reach into my bag and take out the mediocre gems with varied enchantments.

"...Those aren't the gems I described. They're not even nearly as powerful. Where did you even…" Remilia was at a loss for words as she gazed at the imitations. "...I mean, it's not like they were a loss, we probably have plenty more where they came from, but…"

I grin. "Nah, these are the ones, yo. Our fission was mailed!"

Fun fact: Fission is a noun of an action! As such, mailing it is hard!

"...I suppose there's no helping it. I'll round up some fairy maids and have them go relocate the gems themselves, then." Remilia sighs. "...Disappointing, to say the least. I expected more from you two."

I throw my hands up. "It's a freakin' vacation! This ain't Super Mario Sunshine!"

The reference flew over her head. "...Even so, it was as simple a task as picking up eggs and milk at the village." she argued.

I shake my head. "Nuh-uh, yo. Going to hell and buying bread, they don't mix. Not often, anyway." They say most fatal car crashes occur five minutes from home!

Remilia huffed. "...Well, in any case, I'll need to determine an appropriate-"

BOOOooom…

"...Now what!?" Remilia snapped at the loud sound of something crashing outside. Furniture in the room vibrated, and Sakuya and I struggled to keep our footing from the impact.

"Hopefully not another mansion-busting endeavor." Sakuya added.

"I had best hope not!" barked the vampire.

The three of us all dashed towards the front lobby of the manor, and swung open the front door.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

On the front stone pathway, Meiling stood facing the anomaly that had crashed down directly in the center of it, crushing the tiny stone fountain that was present.

Meiling's eyes met ours as we exited the manor and approached it.

In a small crater was a large, grey stone with a large red ruby on the top.

"...What the hell?" Remilia wondered aloud.

Suddenly, fluffles surged from the sides of the yard, and another group came up behind Meiling, who looked around with slight confusion as to what they suddenly showed up for.

At the front of each fluffy charge was a fluffle carrying a gem- each of the three gems we had neglected to collect, it seems. There was a ruby, a topaz, and a sapphire.

Remilia saw it, too. "Ah, there they are!... What are the little cretins doing with them…?"

The fluffles brought the gems to the large stone, and upon connecting them to the sides of it, more rocks fell from above.

Bam! Ba-Ba-B-Bam!

Two large rock appendages with ruby and sapphire crystals adorning them connected where the gems were added to the large rock.

Thunk!

A large tail with a topaz trident tip was attached to the rear of the creation.

Now fully assembled, the ancient living rock formation stood, revealing less detailed but still gem-encrusted leg limbs, albeit the thing stood quadrupedal.

"HUUUHH, HUUHHH, HUUHHHRRRGH…"

...The thing had a way with words, too! It didn't seem to want to say much more, though.

The fluffles clapped their fins and cheered at the rise of the stone golem.

"...Get Flandre." Remilia requested, grinning. "This seems like fun."

Sakuya blinked, and nodded. "As you wish, milady."

Rocks shifted and formed a sort of 'head' on the stone golem, but I don't think it could see. Two topaz 'eyes' decorated it.

Komi and her pals chose this moment to walk in through the front gate, having followed the surge of fluffles. "...Holy shit."

The golem slowly lurched around to face them, gems shining brightly in the night.

"...I take it this is a bad time?" Koi begins to back up and away extremely fast.

"N-nice… rock… thingy…" Namori stuttered, frozen in place.

Meiling's eyes flashed, and she leapt out of the way as the golem suddenly flew forward to attack the fairy maids.

"Oh, da-" The light sound of Komi getting blown away by the collision was heard.

Namori barely dodged the attack by sheer luck, choosing the right time to trip and fall. "A-a-aaaaaah!"

Koi blanched. "Fuck that! I'm out!"

The golem slammed the floor with its two front arm… limb… things, and a variety of red crystals jetted from the floor and surrounded Koi.

"...Oh, tits."

They glowed a bright red, then degenerated into pillars of flames, burning violently yet fluidly. Within moments, the flames were gone, Koi having disappeared with them.

I grin nervously. "...I don't think this boss progression is really progressive!" There was no way I could fight this thing!... which means I probably shouldn't!

Namori shot a beam at it. "T-take that, you monster!"

The beam pierced the rock magically, before disappearing and leaving no visible marks of its impact with the golem. The gem on its back, however, was now a sapphire and not a ruby. The golem slammed its two arm appendages into the floor, and a huge ice blade erupted from the floor and blew Namori to gibs, which exploded into magical energy.

Meiling blinked. "...That's some skillset it has…"

Footsteps were heard from the front door, and Sakuya walked out with Flandre.

"I heard there was a fun new toy!" Flandre beamed.

Remilia smirked. "Indeed. I thought we could play with it together." Oh, boy! I got to see the golem get beat the fuck up!

"Ya~y!" Flandre ripped out Laevateinn. "I see it, too!..." ...She then put away Laevateinn and questioningly looked at her sister. "How do I play?"

"It's like a pinata." Remilia explained. "Hit it a bunch, and lots of pretty gemstones fall out."

"Gemstones? Bo~ring…" Flandre replied. "Why not candy?"

Remilia had that covered, apparently. "You'll be rewarded a piece of candy for every pound's worth of gems you shed from it!"

Flandre was back in the game! "Yea~h!"

The two sisters stood aside one another as the golem reeled around to face them, its wordless, topaz glare speaking all that needed to be said between them. If the golem had a mouth, I assumed it would roar. Makes me wonder how it went all 'huur' earlier, too!

The golem leapt into the air, demonstrating surprising dexterity for a giant hunk of stone, and the Scarlet sisters easily slid out of the way of the impact. As it crashed into the porch of the manor, ice spikes erupted around it to defend it.

"Pretty! Now it's my turn!" Flandre announced. She leapt into the air and began spinning vertically, turning her Laevateinn into a spinning flame wheel of explosions.

Boom-Boo-Bo-B-B-Blam!

Flandre soared across the top of the golem, explosions sending small particles of rock flying from it. After Flandre had fully passed it, the gem on top became red again, after it had cycled through yellow, red, blue, yellow, and back to red again.

Remilia smirked. "I think I see what's going on here…"

The golem angrily tapped a limb on the ground, and Remilia moved pre-emptively out of the way of a fire pillar. The ice spikes surrounding the golem melted into steam with haste.

Meiling delivered a kick to the back of the crystal golem, and used it to propel herself to safety again. Not much damage seemed to have been done, though!

Remilia began readying a Gungnir to lob at the golem, and as she did, the golem turned to see Meiling rocket away. It began following her, when a flurry of wet knives met its rear, most bouncing off uselessly, but serving as an ample distraction to force it to slowly lurch around again.

It rose its fist to cast another fire attack, when suddenly a piercing red energy spear lodged itself in it, and exploded.

Blaash!

Scarlet energy crackled over the golem's stone exterior, but it didn't seem to mind much. Its attention was now on Remilia, though.

"...I don't think normal rock should be this strong." Remilia observed.

Sakuya appeared next to her. "It's probably not just any rock."

I ready the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber incase I needed some explosion-related acrobatics to avert certain death. "It's _the_ rock! Brock the rock Johnson!"

The golem slammed a limb into the floor again. If it kept doing that, the lawn would become a murderized pile of dirt!

Large snowflakes fell from above, ice quickly encasing anything the cold wind and flakes washed over. Remilia ended up a tad frosty, but seemed alright. Sakuya teleported away to safety somewhere, and I used the sack as a blanket and hid under it, which somehow kept the cold at bay.

Meiling was frozen solid, however, next to one of the gate walls where she had been scoping the situation out. The golem saw this opportunity, and began slowly marching toward it with all four limbs, the ice and snow having made _it_ a bit lethargic, as well.

I tossed the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber at it, and it-

Kaboom!

-bounced off it, and the blast did little but… actually, visibly nothing. No scorch marks, even!

It looked towards me, the gem on its back now yellow. Not good!

I pulled out a lunarian vase. "Get busted, you stoner!"

I tossed the vase, watching as it soared and smashed against the exterior of the stone behemoth... which did literally fuck and all, but the gem changed to red, sparing me from vicious electric attacks!

Not that it mattered much anyway, as a series of wet knives took this opportunity to attempt to add to the frost, the gem affinity ending up back at yellow by the time all the impacts were over.

On the up and up, most of the thing seemed fro-

Craa~ck!

...nevermind, it's completely free of the ice.

It was searching for an absent Sakuya, when its tail rose threateningly into the air.

Zzztt...Zap, za-za-Fwaaash!

A line of electricity shot into the sky from its tail, and suddenly electro-lasers rained from above!

BWASH-BWASH-BWASH

Remilia worked the frost off herself by averting the sudden lines of light striking down from the sky.

Flandre took this moment to return to the battlefield, having spun herself far past the walls earlier in her excitement. " _Now_ it's my turn!"

She flew up to it and grabbed one of its limbs, and began shaking it as if she were shaking a hand. "I'm Flandre! It's nice to meet you!"

"HUUUHHRRGH!" cried the golem as it took some sort of physical discomfort from being flailed about like such.

Meiling finally broke free of her icy prison, clumsily tossing chunks of ice from her flesh. She then promptly sneezed. "I-I think I'm gonna need a warm cup of cocoa after this…"

Flandre looked towards her excitedly, dragging the golem-

"HUHHHR-HUH!"

-with her. "Ooh~! I want some, too!"

Remilia closes her eyes and shakes her head. "Tsk, tsk, tsk…"

Flandre turns to her. "Sister?"

Slowly opening them, Remilia smirks. "This toy must be broken."

...Flandre tilts her head. "Why? It's soft, and cuddly." Flandre turns to the crystal golem and hugs it, her arms digging into the stone.

"HUUHHH-HUURRGH!" How the hell is this thing making noise!?

"...Flandre, of all the time to gain awareness of how to treat toys-"

"What do you mean by that?" Flandre glares at Remilia. "I'm always careful!"

"Define 'always'." Remilia walked towards her sister. "What about that time with the shoe box?" Uh?

I awkwardly smiled at the sight of the sisters bickering in front of me, all the while the golem was still ensnared by Flandre's adamantite grasp. So much for the impromptu boss fight…

"That was one hundred years ago!" Flandre protested. "I was still into the whole 'ballistics are adorable' thing!... Now I know that's only on Sundays." Flandre nodded with a serious face.

"Flandre, that wasn't even a matter of ballistics! Your blast made it transcend time and space! To this day we _still_ find pieces of it- some of them are the same pieces from before. We could build _ten_ new shoe boxes out of the fragments we found!" Remilia ranted, stomping the floor.

The golem took this moment to slam the ground with its free arm, a small lightning storm erupting around it.

Zap-Zap-Zap!

Lightning bolts struck Remilia and Flandre, electricity coursing through their bodies and rendering them charred. When the lightning was over, the two sisters slowly shifted their gaze to the golem.

"...You're gonna _die_ , for that." Remilia growled.

"...Bad toys deserve to be broken." Flandre muttered, glaring at the golem.

Flandre then locked her arms on the side of its rocky hide, then she flipped it over her and slammed it down on its back. She promptly let go and latched onto its tail, and began spinning it around like a plumber would spin a great turtle.

Remilia readied her Gungnir and flew away, off the mansion property and past the walls of the Scarlet Estate. A line of scarlet bullets trailed into the sky from afar, and Flandre released the crystal golem, sending it flying.

"HUUUuuuu…" I heard the wail of the golem fade as it soared into the distance.

CLANK!...clank...clank…clank…

Remilia used her Gungnir like a baseball bat, swinging it wide to strike the golem, who exploded into numerous rocks and gems, all of them raining across the Scarlet Estate.

The fluffles, who had taken to the far sides of the estate during the fight and were semi-silently cheering the golem on were now stagnant, somewhat confused, and marginally cuddly. They just looked back and forth between each other, as if they forgot what they were doing there. Some of them started group snugglefests and it quickly became a dusty mess.

Remilia flew back to the property, her skin fully healed from the previous burns and chars it had sustained. "That was adequate stress relief. Plus, on the upside, there are more enchanted gems than I started with."

Flandre looked around. "...How many pounds of gems did we get?"

Remilia paused. "...We'll get the fairy maids to collect them. I'll just give you a bucket of candy anyway."

"Yea~y!" Flandre cheered, doing a little leap to accent it. Freakin' cuddly…

With that, the two vampires walked back into the manor.

… I looked at the community snugglefest that was gradually making its way towards the central parts of the yard. "...Are we uh… gonna do anything about that?"

Sakuya appeared next to me. "Probably."

Meiling slowly walked past us. "I-I need a blanket…"

"...Probably not." Sakuya re-evaluated. "I'm going to go see to the interior affairs."

I smirk. "By which you mean 'screw it, we can worry about the outside later'?"

"Precisely." Sakuya teleported away.

I might as well walk back inside and exist or something! I made sure to collect my exploding hanger from the dust storm ensuing before going back inside.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 17

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes due to an upgrade. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. After an enchanted sunflower was tacked on, it gained the ability to allow casting of Gaia Seed.

INVENTORY:

Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Dispenser - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Upgraded to have a nozzle with which the weapon can be utilized as a flame thrower with.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Due to a dark amulet upgrade, it may be used to cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. Has a very situational instant-death dealing condition that, let's be honest, I probably couldn't fulfil; it's just there for world building. Help no.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Marks the wielder for death, dropping instant death resistance to zero and forces them to take 25% increased damage from all sources, but Flandre wasn't aware of the negatives when she created it. Different from the dark-elemental hanger in that this converts missing health into pure speed and none into power, and the increased damage isn't as punishing.

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

this was written far quicker at least!

man it'll be forever before i hit the publish mark because of how late the incident will really be starting… o w e

spooler: if this goes on for too long i'm just gonna publish what i have on christmas eve, ye.

as always, see you all next time!


	20. A Very Vine Wine

(in which meticulous botany takes place)

I walk through the unfinished halls without a care in the world…!

The fairy maids often don't bother addressing me, either out of fear, disinterest, or simple ignorance of my existence in the environment, so I didn't have much to worry about. Sometimes those freakin' tomes floated by and a few tried to bean me in the head a few times. Tomes got attitude!

I watched some fairy maids very precariously attempt to lay the foundation for the scarlet wallpaper, and they ended up creating a hole in the drywall in the process.

"N-nooo~!" wailed a yellow-haired maid, her peers staring at the hole with awe- mostly in that they apparently all had little collective idea as to how they got to that point.

I snorted to myself before continuing forward, finding myself in front of Remilia's room. The mansion didn't quite have that maze-y quality yet, but I noticed the hallways shifting on their own anyway already. How the hell does it do that, anyway…? I blame Remilia.

Flandre walked out of the room with a bag of sweets. She took out a lollipop, and ate it whole in one bite, stick and all.

Crr~unch!

She smiled and continued down the hall opposite to mine.

Huh. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? The answer is freakin' none; eat the entire thing, stick and all!

I decide to pay Remilia a visit, and the door, as usual, squeaks like a freakin' mouse armada.

Remilia was seated at one of her tea tables, drinking tea. "Oh, hello, you. What brings you here?"

I look back at the door as I enter. "Yo, you need like, a gallon of oil for the doors, yo. They squeak like the gates of hell swingin' open 'cause of a rather assertive summer breeze."

She tilts her head. "Well, is it not eerie in nature?"

I shake my head. "Maybe the first time. Maybe. Now it's just freakin'... squeaky!" Eeugh!

"...I'll keep that in mind." she replied in a somewhat bored tone. I knew she wasn't going to keep it in mind, so…

"No, you aren't." I replied.

Remilia blinked. "Well, then I guess I won't. Is this all you-"

I cut her off. "So I'm gonna help you keep it in mind, yo!" I feel around in my sack for some things… what, do I really not have writing utensils or paper or anything!? What kind of point and click adventurer am I!?

"...And how might you go about that?" Remilia's interest was piqued!

I take my hand out of my sack, and sigh in frustration. "Alright, no sticky notes or even blank sheets'a paper, that's fine. So instead, we will do: investwrite! For the mind!" I tap my head, as if I knew what I was talking about.

"...That doesn't really sound promising." she admits.

I walk up to the door and gesture for her to follow. "To the library, friend! To investwrite! For the mind!" I tap my forehead again.

Investwrite was some random "write a letter" homework assignment in my personal finance class at school. The whole "for the mind" thing just kinda flowed together with it, so it stuck in my mind. Woohoo!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I walk into the library, the vampire mistress trailing behind me.

"Alright, so, how to do… investwrite!" I begin. I was trying to search for Patchouli's study…

"...Go on?" Remilia urges.

"Investwrite for the mind is a practice by the…" Literary scholars, or financial scholars?... Both! "Literal finance scholars of our new era!"

"Mmm…" Remilia wasn't too disinterested yet!

"Founded by the great Papyrus, it was a renaissance for the fiscally frisky fuckfa- I mean… friend… in all of us." Oh, the references!

"...You didn't explain _how_ to do an investwrite, genius." Remilia jabbed. "That also really didn't tell me _what_ an investwrite was, either."

I pause and turn to her, and just stare at her blankly. "...In due time, I suppose…" ...and that goes for the both of us!

Remilia furrowed her brows at that, and I grinned to myself. We continued until we reached the study of the magi…

"Look, for all we know the vines coulda spread-" Marisa began hastily.

Patchouli interrupted her. "Could, could, could. 'What if' questions will get us nowhere!" she snapped.

Marisa slammed her hands on the desk. "We've gotta do something! Seriously, ze!"

"By 'we', you mean 'you'." Patchouli corrected. "Besides, I've got work to be doing that _isn't_ as trivial as some monster weed problem. Such plants are common place in Gensokyo's more natural reserves, and it should be of no surprise to see them in the common grounds from time to time."

Marisa clutched her head and walked backwards. "Dude! Shi~t… what am I gonna do!?"

Remilia and I just kinda stood there… "What're you two doing, now?" she began.

Marisa turned to her. "Remilia! There's these asshole vines, and-and-"

"Descriptive words, Kirisame. Descriptive words." Remilia emphasized.

"...Asshole vines?" Marisa added with a grin.

"Are you trying to get me to take this seriously or not?" the vampire brought her hands to her hips.

Marisa blinked, then became hasty again. "Sorry! Look- there's these vines, right? They're like, in my house, and-"

"Not my problem." Remilia looked away dismissively. "So, this investwrite thing…"

Oh, right! "Oh, me and Sakuya saw those vines earlier."

Marisa froze. "Y-you did? Really!?"

Patchouli paused. "...Did you, now? Where was this?"

I pointed to where I thought Eientei might be. Not that easy in this labyrinth of a library! "Over near Eientei, the bamboo forest. The forest there's getting just molested by vines- like, the forest even lost its illusionary property, and uh…"

Silence greeted my retelling.

"...There's also a bunch of fluffles, yukkuri, and bush youkai things going apeshit in the bamboo, too. It's like a four way war between them and the vines. Five way if you consider Eientei's rabbit legions and things." I finish.

…

"...O-oh, shit." Marisa blanches. "That's… not good, ze…"

Patchouli blinks a few times. "...Hmm. That sounds… problematic."

Remilia's hands were still on her hips. "What about the investwrite?"

I wave my hand at Remilia dismissively. "Later. Right now, we need to invest the fuck outta the vines!"

Patchouli cringed. "That's not how you use the word…"

I shake my head. "Nah, I'm pretty sure it is. When you invest, you beat people up!"

"If that were true, I'd have far more fun managing my wealth…" Remilia commented, grinning.

Marisa slammed her hands on the desk, again. "I knew it, ze! I was right! The vines _are_ a problem!"

"You seem to have gotten over the gravity of the situation rather quickly." Patchouli stared boredly at Marisa.

"I-I mean, it's bad, but yo~!" Marisa threw her arms up, cheering.

… "Oh, and another thing." I began. "The vines apparently have deadly toxins in them or something; the immortals were getting treated for 'repeated insta-death' disease."

Marisa's face fell. "...That's not good."

Patchouli nodded. "What gave you that-"

"That's really not good!" Marisa blanched, eyes widening.

Remilia eyed her curiously. "...How exactly-"

"Really, _rea~lly_ not good!" Marisa looked feverishly panicked.

A bubble of water fell on her, and her witch hat covered her face, soaked.

"...Better?" Patchouli asked.

"...Better." Marisa confirmed.

Remilia floated cautiously above the water as it flowed under her. "Patchy, I'd rather not invest in being dead, if you please."

"Right, sorry." Patchouli offhandedly apologized. "In any case, it seems if what Marisa said is true about earlier, then these vines have infact spread."

That's probably bad! "How do fix do?" I ask!

Patchouli gives me a solid glare before continuing. "...Well, normally fire would be sufficient; however, in this instance I'm pretty sure it'd just burn down half of Gensokyo's forestry."

"...And that's a bad thing?" I question.

"Hey! My house is in the woods, you know!" Marisa raises her voice at me.

I look at her and feign a look of confusion. "What? All I saw was a pavilion and some sticks."

"...Most of that was your fault!" Marisa was slowly getting more peeved!

"...Marisa, do you want to solve this incident or not?" Patchouli stared vainly at her human counterpart.

Marisa jerked her head towards Patchouli, surprised. "Wha'd I do!? He's the one who's been making fun of me!" She points both fingers at me exaggeratedly.

In any case, it seems we're considering this a real incident now! Time for the intro line thing!

…

Patchouli continued to verbally assault her friend. "You're the one reacting to him. Simply cease responding to the patronization."

Marisa's jaw dropped. "Wha~t!? This should be the part where you tell us both to stop being stupid, ze!"

Giggling, Patchouli continues. "I guess so. Now that you mention it, you're both stupid. Stop being stupid."

"...I didn't mean to make good on it." the ordinary magician pouted.

Remilia yawned, and did a lil' stretch… "Don't let me interrupt your little flirting session, but there are vines to be destroyed."

I throw my hands up. "I sense a disturbance in the fanfiction."

Everyone looks at me awkwardly, and I elaborate. "The title segway thing for the incident didn't display when I instructed it to!"

"...Okay?" Remilia backed away from me.

Since nobody knew what I was talking about, I decided to get an executive on scene! "Hey, Yukari! Wake ya lazy ass up and help me out here!"

…

But nobody came.

"Yu~, kar~, E!" I shouted to the ceiling

"You rang~?" Yukari leaned upside down from a gap over us, as per usual.

"This is the fourth time in two days, Yakumo." Remilia rolled her eyes. "You su~re do love this place, huh?"

"Oh, please." Yukari didn't even look at her; provided, that detail doesn't really matter since she's hanging upside down looking down at us like a freakin' maniac. "If I really wanted, I could have a manor of this caliber built in under a day."

I raise a finger. "You mean 'gapped in' in under a day." It also just occurred to me that this sentence makes sense in text, but if I said this in real life I'd probably have to repeat myself like five times because of the "gapped in in" part, which I don't think many people would properly connect and end up thinking of the sentence as gibberish. Life vs. fiction, people!

Yukari gaps a hand over to my mouth and sticks a single finger on my lips. "Now, now. This quarrel doesn't concern you, boy."

Remilia sighed. "Do what you must… but only what you must."

Yukari smirks, and gaps her hand over to Remilia's chin. "Oh, you can be certain that I go where I please…"

She slides upwards into her gap. Next, another gap was made on the floor and she slid up out of it, the hand in the air still moving to caress Remilia's chin.

"...and I please where I go." Yukari then tilted herself forward, showing off her generous bust.

Remilia weaved out of the way of the hand and tried to bite it, but Yukari pulled it back fast enough to avoid the pain.

"...You stole that quote from Duke Nukem." I accused her.

"And he stole it from somewhere else." Yukari shot back.

I nod, looking away. "Yeah… good point, and well made, I suppose…"

Yukari starts to leave. "Well, if there's nothing else for me to do he-"

"Yo, hold up! Hold up!" I blurt out. "The title segway to the incident!"

"...Yes?" Yukari questions. "What about it?"

I wave my arms frantically. "It never showed up!"

"...Oh, apologies. I was making sure Chen's flea bath went according to plan, as it were."

==== NEW INCIDENT: THE VILE VINE VILLA OF VILLAINY… AND THE LETTER V ====

All is right with the world…

"There we are. I still need to make sure that flea bath doesn't go awry, you see, so I will be off now! Tata~..."

With that, Yukari vanished.

"...Can people stop summoning that good-for-nothing hag into my household? She's beginning to annoy me." Remilia irately requests.

I shake my head. "Yo, a fanfic author's gotta do what a fanfic author's gotta do! Not my fault the managerial staff is a single debatably sane but immensely powerful youkai!"

"...The fourth wall's going to look like my house by the time you're done with it." Marisa deadpans.

I should probably stop doing that!

"Right, vines. Viney vines. Let's talk vines." I try to change the topic away from the fourth wall, if only to hide its shame.

A gap opens from above us, and a single image floats down, encased in a proper photograph. I stare at it, and it's Yukari swinging a ball-peen hammer into a brick wall, a caption stating "FUCK THE FOURTH WALL. We have memes." written below, like one of those many motivational poster memes.

Remilia rips the image from my hands and vaporizes it with scarlet magic. "No."

Marisa tilted her head. "...What uh, was-"

"No!" Remilia barked at her.

Patchouli furrowed her brows. "...Now you've got me wonder-"

"Nooo~!" Remilia wailed.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We gathered around a small map of Gensokyo, sketched in rather pathetic quality by Patchouli, but it was probably better than my absolutely cringe-worthy pencil hand, that's for sure.

"If the vines have spread like this, either they were spread via air seeds, spores, or have burrowed under the village. Furthermore, we need to learn of Kazami's involvement in this incident." Patchouli used one of those teaching stick things to point to the places in the map. I forget what it was called, but it was fun to whap people with.

Speaking of, we all got one, so…

Whap!

Remilia twitched.

"Air seeds?" Marisa questioned.

"Delivered via birds, blown by wind, assuming seeds is how they populated." Patchouli explained. I dunno 'bout you guys, but methinks the vines spread by growth…

"Maybe the vines spread like vines?" I added

Patchouli shook her head. "We cannot assume in matters like these." Yo, assuming's what I do best!

The two mages turn back to the table.

Whap!

"Grrh…" Remilia growls.

"Patchy's right… 'cause if the vines are really that deadly, we gotta really think this one through…" Marisa reasoned.

Patchouli jerked her head back in surprise. "Really? This comes as a surprise to me, as you've been doing little except assuming for the past innumerable hours."

"Aw, c'mon! I was right-ish wasn't I?" Marisa extended her arms, grinning.

Whap!

"Gaah…" Remilia lowly groaned to herself, glaring at me from the corner of her vision.

"One thing is for certain; we need not only a plan of action, but to properly track the growth of these vines." Patchouli started moving some pieces across the 'board'.

Once she finished, she backed away from it and stared at it for a moment. "...There's not many ways we can directly confront them, but we can send out scouts to determine the speed of growth."

"I wonder if we can get the tengu to cooperate…" Marisa folded her arms, putting thought into the situation.

"You should be able to do some scouting yourself, as well. Infact, anyone flying should. The important factor is to stay above the forestry, out of range of melee attacks." Patchouli explained.

"Mmm…" Marisa hummed in response, having presumed mixed feelings about doing some work related to this problem. I know I would!

Whap!

"That's it." Remilia whirled to face me and ripped the stick thingy from my hands, and snapped it in half over her knee. "Fuck you."

She then tossed the bits at me and pushed me, sending me flat on my bum.

"...Was there any reason for that, Remi?" Patchouli blankly stared at her friend.

"He was getting annoying. Don't tell me you didn't notice…?" Remilia questioningly narrowed her eyes at her.

"...From my perspective, you just abruptly-"

"Let's see how you like it, then!" Remilia interrupted her and ran towards her with her own stick thingamajig extended.

Whap! Whap!

"Mukyuu~!"

Whap!

I stood up again, and Marisa awkwardly stared at the two squabble. "...I mean, I noticed, but I was kinda waiting to see whether she'd react or not…" Marisa commented, looking unsure about the outcome.

Whap!

"St-stop, Remi!"

Whap!

Whap!

...Clink!

Patchouli parried Remilia's stick thing with her own. "No! No more!"

Clink! Clack!

"Very well then… En garde!" Patchouli resolved herself for a lifetime of war.

Clack! Clink! Click…!

The two had their stick things interlocked mid-collision, and they began bending, until…

Snap!

They both broke in half, because they were not swords, they were little bendable metal stick things.

"...You're replacing those." Patchouli calmly stated, as she pulled out another. "I don't know why I thought giving you all one would be a good idea. Apparently, none of you are mature enough to wield one."

"Hey, I was good!" Marisa objected.

"Too bad. You're inherently immature." Patchouli smirked.

Marisa slouched. "Awww~..."

… I sit back down and yawn. These freakin' business meetings, yo. They're boring!

"...Growing tired on us?" Patchouli looked down at me.

"Boring things are boring." I explain.

"Ah." Patchouli nodded, turning back to the board. "Well, I'm sure the front lines wouldn't be a boring place, to be certain."

"Let's not, yo. Tentacle porn was never an interest of mine." I tiredly refuse.

Marisa snorts. "I'm surprised you know what that is, ze. You didn't strike me as the type to have books… like, at all."

I smirk. "If only you knew the depths of the internet, yo…"

"The last thing anybody here needs is internet access." Patchouli attempts to shut down the discussion.

"I've heard passing word of it, but I don't know exactly what it is." Remilia states. "What is it?"

Marisa shrugs. "That's what I wanna know."

I narrow my eyes at Patchouli. "How would _you_ know?"

"...It was spoken of in texts, you see-"

"Oh, right, I'm sure the ancient romans loved their broadband DSL." I look away, nodding.

Patchouli looked cross. "...I _assure_ you, that not all of my texts date back to the ancient romans."

"Name your latest book and describe it to me, yo. I mean, some indicative things of how it's modern, too." I hold up a finger and wave it at her to accent my speech.

"Valkyrie Treads. The book was an analysis of some modern technological practices, but primarily it focused on that of war machines." Patchouli explained. "It was dated to 2002."

It's like, 2015 right now, so y'know… "...I mean, the internet exists during that time frame, at least. It's not as developed as it is right now, though."

She nods. "Quite right. From what I understand, it's a format of mass intrinsic communications among the entire populace, and sounds quite useful."

Uh, kinda. Minus the memes and morons and uh… a lot.

"I dunno what's going on!" Marisa shouts out.

"This discussion bores me. The internet sounds too practical to be entertaining." Remilia's expression grows dull.

If only you knew. Maybe one day…!

...That didn't answer one question.

"Now, if we've finished with-"

"OBJECTION!"

I slammed my hands down on the board, vibrating the generic chess pieces Patchouli had arranged.

"...What?" Patchouli looked annoyed.

"Why did you say that the last thing these two needed was internet access…" Dramatic close up of my face that I never really described to the readers aside from 'vaguely Weird Al'! "...if you had a strictly utilitarian impression of the internet!?"

Patchouli froze, realizing her error. "...Must you be so irksome? The matter is of trivial importance."

"...I dunno, Patchy. I'm kinda curious now." Marisa grinned sheepishly.

"Do tell. What is there to hide from me?" Remilia knew what she wanted, and was gonna get it!

"...This is nonsense." Patchouli scoffs. "We have more important matters to worry about. Cease this path of discussion at once."

Awfully defensive, but she was kinda right! I'll get back to this later…

"...We do kinda gotta worry about the genocidal vines spreading across the world. That might be bad for our health!" I switch topics not so gently, but that's usually how I always do it!

Patchouli lets out a sigh. Was that of relief or of irritation? Probably both!

"...I suppose he's right. I'll get back to you later, Patchy." Remilia wasn't gonna take things lying down, either. She was just more freakin' abrasive about it!

"It's whatever to me, ze." Marisa was chillaxin' and relaxin' and maxin' all coo' about it.

"Vines! Oh, shit!" I emphasize the topic change!

"Yes, yes, we get it! Please, evoke more intelligent discussion!" Patchouli snaps, grasping her face with a furious facepalm.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Alright, so after much bickering and battering and assorted knick-knackery, we came to some conclusions.

"Marisa and Aya will be the main scouting division experts. If anyone confronts the vines, it will be those with fire magic, long ranged spells, or the immortals. I suggest encounters wait until Yagokoro develops an acceptable cure. Until then, we plot and predict vine growth." Patchouli rattles off the plan.

"Sounds fluffy." I provide.

"Can do, ze!" Marisa gives a thumbs up.

"...What about me?" Remilia puts her hands on her hips.

"...You get to defend the manor from the oncoming threat, which is a very, very important job, as this very manor is where the plan is being launched from. Go, do it now, before it's too late." Patchouli flatly monotones to Remilia.

"What!? No problem! Leave it to me, Patchy! No one invades my estate and gets away with it!"

With that, Remilia rockets off, presumably to man the battlements until the sun tells her to sod off or something.

"...That's one liability taken care of." Patchouli sighs, shaking her head. "As much as I hate to admit it, her hands-on nature would only get in the way."

Oh, yeah! "Where do I fit into the plan, yo?" I'm usually the focus point of all these endeavors!

"...You don't." Patchouli states simply. "You're not fast. You can't fly. You have very basic fire capabilities, and you're weak physically."

Well.

"...Wait, does that mean I don't have any obligations?" I ask.

"Nope. Go nuts." Patchouli stands up and begins moving towards her normal study. "Just don't kill yourself, or something. You might be useful for errands later."

Screw that! I'm gonna get _all_ involved up in this vine shit! "Alright, I'm gonna go play in the vines!"

Patchouli nods, but then freezes as I begin walking away.

Now, to-

A wall of books moves to stand in my way! Fancy shmancy!

"If you're going to go out of your way to get involved, don't. Passive as I may be to this, I cannot allow you to jeopardize operations by ignorantly charging ahead and going with the flow." Patchouli stares down at me. "I will do this by any means necessary."

Oh, you wanna play _that_ game, Patchouli?

"How might you do that, yo? Beat me down? Good luck, yo! I defeated you once, I can do it again!" I ready Swift Brand, sliding it from my sack.

"...It's too bad for you that I gave you a choice in the matter previously. This time I'll just crush you outright." Patchouli floated up, and Marisa took that as a cue to fly far, far away.

"Hey, where're you going!?" I shouted to Marisa, who refused to turn back and acknowledge me.

"...Prepare yourself." Patchouli announces from- how the hell did she get so far away?

"Sun sign…"

Wait, _what_!? Oh, fuck me!

"Royal Flare!"

That's not fair, yo! Who the hell uses their strongest attack first!?

I grab the strategy board table thing and attempt to hide behind it, before everything goes bright…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Patchouli floated down to my fallen body, which was breathing heavily. The clothes were lightly singed, and I was out like a light.

"...I always questioned why most antagonists refused to use their strongest attacks first." The magician shrugged.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Considering I awoke to pain and pain and more pain, I don't think that went particularly well at all.

"A-aauugh…" I groaned, looking around in the bed I was in. It was lavender and pretty!... and super soft!

I look to my left to see Patchouli on a laptop, browsing the whaaaaa~!?

She's got a laptop! That sly bast-

"Koakuma, check the boy." Patchouli dismissively commanded.

"I just checked him! Ten. Minutes. Ago!" Koakuma roared from another room.

"Most unfortunate. Check again." Patchouli commanded once more.

With an audible groan, Koakuma relented. "Fi~ne…"

I shut my eyes and pretended to be out. Koakuma walked into the room lazily and stared at me.

"He's out cold. You coulda just turned around, you lazy- Aeip!" Koakuma ducked under a throw pillow.

"Quiet, you." Patchouli never took her eyes off the pink laptop the whole time.

Let's see…

I was currently… not tied down? That's kinda bad forethought, but I'm tucked in really freakin' tightly.

"Patchouli-sama, I'm sure those enchantments you placed on the covers will be enough. Why do you even need me here?" Well, that's some questions answered!

"To test your responsibility and obedience. After your previous… incidents, I have very little trust left in you." Patchouli stated plainly.

"A~www… Don't you lo~ve me, Patchouli-sama~?" Koakuma laid it on thick.

"The pheromones don't work on females. Need I remind you again?" The attack failed!

Koakuma hissed. "Ba~h… chastity sucks."

With that, Koakuma left the room again. Since the covers were magically enchanted, I figured that was why they were so snug. Could I…

Shuffle…

Hey, I can slide in it!

Shift, shift…

I quickly shuffle myself to have my face under the covers. Now for the long haul…

Shift, shift, shift, shift, shift, shift, shift, shift…

I could feel my legs free!

Shift, shift, shift, shift-

...Fwish.

I freed my head of the bottom of the snug covers at the foot of the bed, and kneeled down on the floor.

"Koakuma, check."

"Two minutes! Are you serious!?"

"Koakuma!"

Patchouli, please!

I freeze for a moment, but then I decide to hide under the bed. Underneath, I find some interesting paperbacks…!

...All of them aren't in English!...Shit! I was hoping she read Twilight or Fifty Shades in her spare time so I could poke fun of her or something. I mean, they looked like that kind of book on the covers, but y'know… they're not even English, or even vaguely Earthy, so I suppose I shouldn't assume.

"Fi~ne!" Koakuma stomps in. "See? He's still-..."

"...There, you mean?" Patchouli suggests, clicking on something with her mouse.

"...What the fuck." Koakuma's jaw dropped. "He's gone."

Patchouli froze and whirled around. "What."

The bed was empty.

"...What!?"

Koakuma walked up to it and inspected the covers. "They're still enchanted, too! The kid pulled a houdini!"

Patchouli blinked at the empty covers. "How."

…

Koakuma scowled at Patchouli. "...If you actually _looked_ away from the screen once in awhile…"

"...Tch." Patchouli didn't like that comment, but didn't bother to refute it. "Where could he have possibly gone in two minutes?"

Personally, I'd like to thank my experience with blankets for that!

"Do you think he left the room?" Koakuma asked, moving towards the door.

"..." Patchouli crouched to her knees and peered under the bed, and used a magi-light to illuminate the darkness.

I smiled sheepishly. "...Hi, friend."

"...Sly trickster, you are not." Patchouli deadpanned.

Eheh… "So uh… what brings you 'round these parts?"

"...You're under my bed."

I stick a finger up. "Hey, now, I have a very good reason to be here!"

"Sure you do…" Patchouli was beginning to conjure a spell…

I grab some of the books and hug them close. "I am having a very important business meeting with my colleagues!" I turn to some black paperback book. "This is Daniel Moore, and he's with the FBI. Tell her, Dan!"

The paperback says nothing, the bastard.

The books and I begin to get pulled towards the edge of the bed. "Look, Smith, do something!" I turned to some thick hardcover with a lock on it. "...Do something!"

I use the book to prop myself against the gravitational pull, which was forcing objects out from under the bed. "Good job, agent Smith! I knew I could count on ya!"

Most of the books were slowly being pulled from underneath, and I hear Koakuma walk back in.

"...Patchouli-sama, if you don't bother me asking…"

I make myself as scarce as I can behind 'agent Smith' as I dubbed it.

"...What the hell are you doing!?" Koakuma shouts at her. She then bends down to pick up the black paperback I had dubbed 'Daniel Moore'. "...Oooh ho ho ho~! Patchy~sama, I didn't know you- Eek!" Koakuma ducked under a whirling tome. "Look, I can help you with- Hey!"

As Koakuma dodged numerous tomes, the gravitational pull weakened. Not like I could go anywhere from here, though…

One of said tomes flies into "agent Smith", capsizing my blockade. I scramble away from the gravity pull, but sadly Patchouli takes notice and it gets strong enough to pull me in.

"Yo, no no no n- Oof…"

I end up hugging a ball of books and things. Help, no.

"...Are you done?" Patchouli questions, looking bored.

I shake my head. "You'll never take me-!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"-alive…" I finished, now back in the bed with a big, goofy lock with chains on it around the covers.

Patchouli turned back to her computer. "Now be quiet."

Magic words. "No. I won't!"

"...I can make you be quiet, if you prefer." Oooh. "No one will hear you if you need any necessities."

"So you'd prefer if I pissed myself in your bed? I see how it is, yo…" I nod as best I can while all tucked in.

"...Koakuma will check on you from time to time, then." Uh oh!

I'd rather not, yo. "...I dunno 'bout that…"

"I'd love to!" Koakuma jumps at the opportunity. "Patchouli-sama, can I can I can I!?" She eagerly jumps up and down in place, assorted bits and things bouncing. No, no descriptive words for you! Not even 'assets' or the likes!

"Yes." Patchouli easily agrees.

"Yeeee~!" Koakuma squees.

I sense bad times friend ahead!

"...But for now, he needs nothing." Patchouli states. "I'll cast a silence spell, too."

Koakuma shrugs. "Something's better than nothing, I guess…"

Patchouli floats over to the bedside and raises her arms. I see the silence spell being cast over me, a crescent moon shape raising in the air mistily above me before fading. I suppose this was a moon spell, or something. However, the mist rested somewhere on my head, and I guessed it was my throat. I tried talking, and even I couldn't hear myself!

"There we are. No more from you." She returned to the laptop again.

...My question is if this was really more secure than before. It… didn't feel tighter, just more stiff.

...I began wiggling again, no noise produced because of the silence spell. Wait, hold the phone…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

There we are…

I crouch on the floor again, Patchouli not having noticed a thing. I glance under the bed, and now there's no stuff under it, except for empty sadness.

Cli-click. Patchouli double-clicked something!

Cli-click, cli-click, cli-click…

I look for my sack and find it on the end table next to the bed, and upon picking it up, I reach in and pull out some friends.

"hoh" Stanley makes a hushed, fluffy noise.

I bring a finger to my lips, making a "shhh" expression, and thanks to the silence spell I couldn't really make noise.

Patchouli begins typing something, and I hear the tappa tappa of the keyboard. I dunno what she's typing, but- she stopped. I need to take advantage of noises better!

"Koakuma, check!" Patchouli calls out.

"Ye~s!" a squeal comes from distance! Crap!

Alright, quickly does it now! I run up behind Patchouli and raise the fluffles slowly over her head, and they get progressively more excited, shifting in my arms as I raise them.

Koakuma cheerfully flutters into the room, only to stop abruptly once she sees me.

"..." Patchouli glances over to her. "...Problem?"

I scowl at Koakuma, and mouth out 'not another move or the magi gets it'. Freakin' silence spells.

"...Y-yeah. I think there's a problem, Patchouli-sama…" Koakuma tries to point at me, and I threateningly raise the fluffles as if I'm gonna drop them and she flinches in response.

"...Spit it out, then. You were eager to check moments prior. What's this hesitation?" Patchouli looks to her and narrows her eyes. "Could it be that there's morality even among succubi?"

I smirk at Koakuma and open my mouth as if I'm obnoxiously laughing loudly.

"N-no… I'd be eager to, but-"

"Is it too easy for you? Is that it?" Patchouli gives a sly, sideways smirk to her succubus familiar. "Do you want him to struggle as you do it? I'm sure he would, if you'd give him a chance to."

I make a hip thrusting gesture behind Patchouli, and nod my head exaggeratedly, distracting Koakuma.

"You appear distracted, familiar. Does my description tickle your fancy?"

Koakuma starts getting pissed. "N-no! Nothing's tickling any fancies right now! Patchouli-sama…!" Koakuma trails off awkwardly as I stop making silly gestures and tense up as if I'd drop the fluffles again.

"...Did I strike a nerve?" Patchouli fully turns her chair to Koakuma. "Succubi really _are_ fascinating… and here I thought you had no shame."

Koakuma has had enough! "Patchouli-sama, behind you~!"

I get ready to drop the fluffles, but Patchouli doesn't even bother to turn.

"...Did you think such a trick would work on me? Silly girl." Patchouli folded her arms, amused.

I give Patchouli a funny glance as if I were surprised too, and then I just shrug and begin dancing jauntily, which only serves to irritate Koakuma further.

She's really had enough now! Koakuma moves up to Patchouli, who seems surprised.

"What are you-"

Patchouli stops as Koakuma latches onto the chair and gets ready to whirl it around, but I glare at her and ready the fluffles.

"...I-if we're ever going to _think_ of doing that, it will be on _my_ terms. I know your game." Patchouli pushes Koakuma away with telekinesis, and Koakuma looks ready to eviscerate me. "Don't look so peeved, you. It makes you too easy to read."

"...You know what? Drop them on her, for all I care. Patchouli-sama, Brad's standing behind you holding some fluffles to drop on your head." Koakuma spills the beans! The only reason I didn't drop them midsentence was because…

Patchouli stops, and slowly whirls her chair around, and I walk to the left as she spins to the right. Upon finding nothing, she continues to spin to the right as I walk to the left and Koakuma's jaw drops.

The succubus then proceeds to grab a mirror from Patchouli's vanity nearby, and holds it up. Patchouli pauses when she sees me after her single rotation.

Shit. Whelp, have fun, Patchy!

I drop the fluffles, who promptly flail wildly in excitement and whirl around Patchouli's head, a dust cloud forming.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Patchouli's seated at her desk, half of a tissue box's contents lying in a crumpled pile next to her laptop.

Koakuma sheepishly shoots a lopsided grin at her, and she glares back.

I'm busy tapdancing because the silence spell lets me do so with ease. When Patchouli glares at me, I stop… but when she turns to the tissue box to sneeze, I resume!

"...This has- ugh…" Patchouli pauses to sneeze. "...This has proven… more problematic than I thought it would…"

The fluffles are calmly sitting next to me, a soft aura of dusty love flowing from their bodies into the air around them. They're soft, and cuddly-looking…!

"...I was trying to tell you…" Koakuma hesitantly begins.

Patchouli looks cross. "You could have done so more efficiently!" Pause to sneeze…! "...At the very least, you could have quick- guah…" I hate it when I have to stop to sneeze midsentence, too. "...quickly acted to rectify the situation." Patchouli stuffily finished her sentence.

I shrug and begin 'talking', randomly rambling unheard words into the void. The idea is that she sees me talking and undoes the silence spell!

"...And here you are, not even forming coherent sentences..." Leave it to a magi to be a lip reader. Freakin'...

She waves her arm in a circle, forming some kind of magical circle as she does so.

"-all, truck, cat, dog- oh." I stop once I hear my voice.

"...Also, Koakuma, you have my permission to..." Kaboom! Bless your nose, yo! "'check' him." Patchouli announces before sneezing some more.

Koakuma turns to me, and I jump back a bit. "I have a plant hanger and I know how to use it, yo. I… am _Turok_!" I take out Swift Brand and hold it in a position that's useless from a practical standpoint, but I _think_ it looks cool. I _think_.

"...I'll find a way." Koakuma bends and winks at me, doing that whole routine where she brings finger to her cheek and uh… at that point the production value's so over the top I'm more impressed by the performance of the expression rather than the actual bouncing b- No descriptive words!

"...I'm sure you-" Kaboom! Did someone call in a nose-strike!?... I'll see myself out for that one. "...I'm sure you will." Patchouli finishes, and blows her nose.

…

"With nothing else going on, I'm just gonna-" I try to open the door to find it suddenly magically sealed.

"No." Patchouli denies. "You are not going to leave this room. Koakuma, see him back to the bed." Patchouli successfully held out until she finished her sentence, and freakin' exploded into a sneezing mess.

"Come- woah!" Koakuma ducked as I ripped out Quake Bloomer, the shaft soaring over her head.

"Doors cannot hold- oof!" I feel a tug at the hanger, and turn to see Koakuma trying to rip it from my grasp. I tug back and we get into a tug-of-war for it!

"I-I promise I'll make it feel rea~l good!" Koakuma begins trying to argue with me!

"There are three things in life that are constant: death, taxes, and your freakin' bojangles!" I didn't feel like discussing logistics with a succubus, so I'll just discuss something stupid instead!

Her face lights up. "You could feel them if you wanted to!"

I shake my head. "I can indeed feel their presence corrupting the room! Little did you know, I am Turok, the bojangle hunter!" Quick question: the hell's a bojangle? ...Don't get back to me on that- and yes, I _do_ mean aside from the euphemism that means boobs.

Koakuma blushes. "You can hunt my bo-"

"Where are they!?" I tug with great force and throw Koakuma off balance. "I know they have infested the room! The bojangle is a flightless bird capable of great destruction, I know so!"

...It's fun to make shit up!

"There is no such thing." Patchouli solemnly shakes her head from her chair.

...Nevermind.

I get ready to ram the door, and Koakuma hastily throws herself from the floor and hugs me from behind, her hands softly running on the surface of my shirt. "...You know, if you could just-"

I dash forward towards the door and she's forced to cling to me instead. "Relax, dammit!"

Bam! The door flew open, the basic, hastily applied seal coming undone.

I hear a sigh from the bedroom. "Looks like I'll have to intervene… _again_." Patchouli, please.

I dash across the rather quaint and casual living space and bash into another door.

Bam!

...That was probably an unnecessary amount of force for an unsealed door, but whatever!

I knew Patchouli was probably catching up behind me, so I just dashed forward as fast as I could with the hanger held forward! I did have to be careful of bookshelves, though; but for right now that won't be a problem…

Fwi-Choom!

I move towards the right as a laser shoots past me.

"You're gonna fry me, too!" Koakuma barks back at her mistress.

"Your fault for not stopping him." Patchouli's monotone comes from behind us!

I slowly strafe a bit as I run, which is really freakin' tiring but seems-

Fwi-Choom!

...necessary. Also, having Koakuma hold on for dear life isn't helping matters!

Fwi-Choom!

…

As my fatigue builds, I begin to slow down to the point Koakuma is struggling to stand up behind me and Patchouli's practically just hovering overhead. She stopped firing lasers, at least.

"Haahh… hooh… huuh... " My deep breaths slowly progress into hyperventilating and eventually I'm forced to stop. "J-just give me a second…"

I pause and lean on a nearby bookshelf. Koakuma awkwardly looks around from her clung position and Patchouli floats down to meet with us.

"...Apparently you're not as physical as I had anticipated." Patchouli hovers to the left and right idly.

"Haahh…" I breathed in response, but I woulda done that anyway!

…

Koakuma starts to stand up, and succeeds. "...You're definitely not as fit as Meiling, that's for sure."

I chuckle. "Was I supposed to be?...'Cause I'm not even close…"

"Some of the fairies made you out to be, sometimes. Some of them. Depending on the time of day, too." Koakuma cryptically provided.

"Yeah, well tell them… don't tell them anything, actually. The more intimidating I sound, the better!" The fairies didn't need to know I was not the super buff human man person that my fairy clobbering spree made me out to be! They just sucked at fighting!

"I assume I'll be able to take you back without much hassle, now?" Patchouli boredly requests.

Say uh… "Patchouli, you left two very adorable but rambunctious fluff people alone in your room."

Patchouli didn't visibly react. "I'm sure they'll be fine for a few moments on their own."

I tilt my head. "I really dunno about that… They're rea~lly fluffy sometimes, and one thing leads to another, and y'know…"

Patchouli looks a little more perturbed, her eyebrows furrowing slightly. "What's that supposed to mean?"

I shrug. "I dunno dude, they're cuddly. Give 'em a sniff."

Patchouli glares at me. "Not again, I'm not."

...Hesitantly, I get into a more solid standing position, still lightly taking deep breaths. Koakuma still had her hands around my freakin' waist!

"...Again, are you going to cease resisting?" Patchouli wasn't unnerved by the fluffy prospects I had introduced, so uh…

I aim Quake Bloomer at a book shelf. "How much property damage would I contribute if I were to uh… buff myself and knock this book shelf over?"

"...I would make sure to minimize it, so such an effort would prove futile with me here." Patchouli explained.

Eheh… "...There's no way out of this, is there?" I feel my breath kinda coming back to me!

Koakuma hugs me from behind. "No~pe! Patchouli-sama, can I keep him?"

I reach into my sack…

"...Maybe. We'll see." Patchouli starts to float closer… "Now, just let me cast that-"

I pull out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber. "You'll never take me alive!"

Patchouli retains a cautionary distance, but Koakuma didn't register the problem yet.

"You can take _me_ alive…" Koakuma, please.

"...You'll be in no shape to run after you use that on yourself." Patchouli decides. She doesn't know, however, that I've got an… escape plan! ...The Escape Plan, to be specific.

...Funny joke, anyone? No? I should talk to myself less; my puns are getting as bad as Koakuma's flirts.

"Jesus, take the wheel!" I yell, as I toss the hanger at the floor.

Boom!

Koakuma and I are thrown against the bookshelf, and we slide up it a bit from the knockback. Koakuma's grip on me is released because she's probably having more trouble not getting squished against the books than she is sating her lust right now

We fall to the floor and Koakuma kisses the carpet, limbs still propped up against the bookshelf.

I scrambled to grab Quake Bloomer and the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber and stuff them into my sack.

"...You're still conscious after that?" Patchouli looked surprised!

"I'm not that weak, you squishy magi, you!" I liked pissing people off too much… but how can I resist my inner internet troll!?

"...In any case, I don't think you'll be doing much running like that. Good job." Patchouli began hovering near me…

I ripped out The Escape Plan. "Exit: stage whatever!" See ya, Patchy-baby!

I dash off with surprising velocity! Well, not that surprising to me, but Patchouli blinked as I ran off.

"...Oh, that hanger. I must be growing careless to forget a detail like that." Patchouli sighed.

I didn't know where I was going, but if I weaved randomly through the shelves, maybe I'd get somewhere!

Turn! Woosh…

…

…

…

Turn! Woosh…

…

A~nd now I was kinda tired again, but the speed from the hanger kinda compensates. That and that explosion really did a number on the whole 'torso stamina' situation. It's more important while running than you'd think, because lungs and ribs and stuff. They _hurt_!

...Oh, also Patchouli was still overhead because fucking hover magics!

"...Losing me within my own domain is impossible, I'll have you know." Yeah, yeah, be quiet, you.

I raise a fist to the air. "Yeah, I get it! The books have eyes and shit!" I'd add a 'fuck you' but I don't want a saint Elmo's pillar up the ass.

"Patchy~! Remi~! Where are you~?" I heard the calls of a friendly vampire!

I turn and bolt towards the voice! Better than getting tied up and raped by soul-eating succubi!

"For the love of…" Patchouli wasn't amused. Ha!

Fwi-Choom-Choom-Choom-Choom-Choom...!

"Sweet jesus fuck, enough with the lasers!" I shout back to Patchouli. I'm forced to strafe as some poorly aimed, franticly casted lasers trailed my movements.

"I must make this quick…" Patchouli muttered to herself.

"Hmm? What's that…?" Flandre took notice!

I ran until I saw Flandre. "Colonel Flanders! Help!"

Flandre blinked, and turned towards me. "Oh, hello! How are you doing, Brad?"

I run up to Flandre and begin running circles around her as the lasers are now just aimed straight down, to avoid hitting her.

"...Now I'm _forced_ to use the lasers." Patchouli brings her thumb to her mouth and gently nibbles on it, as it were. Why did people do that expression, anyway? Like, how far is too far for something to be an instinctual reaction? You gotta like, think about putting your thumb there and all… nevermind.

"Shoulda used your strongest attack first!" I shout like the cheeky little shit I am.

"Gah…" Patchouli looks peeved. "Annoying."

Flandre looks around gingerly for a few moments, before looking up at Patchouli. "I didn't know you got this easily excited, Patchy!"

Flandre floats up, and gets ready to rumble. "If you wanna play danmaku, just tell me!"

Patchouli's naturally super pale, but I swear she blanched from that. "...That will be fine, little one. I just need to-"

"Nonsense!" Flandre interrupted in a bubbly manner. "I know excitement when I see it, and I know you're raring to go! Let's play!"

Patchouli essentially 'nope'd the fuck out of there and just began floating away at a constant rate.

"Hey, where're you going!?... Do you want to play tag, is that it!?" Flandre shouts after her. "...I don't feel like tag right now. I dunno…"

Flandre floats back down idly. "Patchy needs to make up her mind sometimes… geez…"

I take this moment to sit down and freakin' exist, yo…

…

Flandre turns to me. "How about you? Do you feel like playing?"

I look at her. "...Do I _look_ like I'm playin', yo?"

Flandre shrugs.

"...That's cause I'm not!... I'm freakin' destroyed, yo." I bask in the softness of Patchouli's carpets. They're soft, and relaxing!

Flandre sighed, but then noticed the hanger I was holding. "Hey, I see you're using that hanger I gave you! Is it working out well?"

I nod. "It's fun. Useful for escaping imminent pain." Little did many original characters and self-inserts realize that while Flandre is potentially dangerous at times, she has indirectly saved my ass from total annihilation on numerous occasions with that plant hanger she experimented with!

...thud... Thud...Thud!...Thud!...

...Flandre and I look to the source of the noise, and see Koakuma in a large suit of stone and metal armor. She's very slowly stepping along one foot at a time, and I notice Patchouli cautiously trailing behind the giant suit.

"Oooh~!" Flandre's raises her hands to her cheeks as she lets out an excited squeal. She runs up to the large protective suit and hugs it, the armor cracking upon contact, and Koakuma's pupils contracting in fear.

"You always know exactly what to get me, Patchy!" Flandre rubbed her cheek against the torso of the suit.

Koakuma looks up at me and starts shaking her head really fast. I shake mine back and she glares at me.

Patchouli walks out from behind the armored Koakuma and past Flandre.

I point at her armored familiar. "Making use of the 'one for all' tactic, huh Patchouli?"

"Very much so. Now, we don't have all day…" Patchouli raises her hand, waves emanating from a purple haze in the middle of her palm.

Then, Flandre glomps her, sending her to the floor. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

Patchouli's hand clamps to her head, casting the sleep spell on her.

But the move failed!

Thud!

"H-help!" Patchouli barked meekly from the floor, the hug presumably too tight.

Thud!

"Hey, Flandre! The doll is getting away!" I pointed to Koakuma, who was making a very slow escape…

Thud!

"What? Come back!" Flandre ran and dove for the 'doll'.

Cr-crack! Boom…

Koakuma fell out of the broken stone and iron suit, and began clambering away from Flandre. "N-no! Get away from me!"

Flandre looked crestfallen. "...Why was that mean lady inside?"

Patchouli slowly rose from the floor, a hand to her chest. "...Th-thank you for the save… I suppose…"

I extend my hand. "No more rape, no more capture attempts, and-... hold on, I still need my reward for the library thing! With the fluffles that invaded!" I nearly forgot about that! The only reason I remembered is because I went back and read the previous chap-

Yukari's stern glare as she leaned out of a gap from behind Patchouli reminded me that the fourth wall was not a toy.

...chapters of that novel I picked up from the bookstore the other day! Heh heh… heh?

…

Anyway, yeah.

"Sakuya told me you blatantly fled the scene. I'm more inclined to believe her than you." For the love of…

"Well, call her down, then! I'll get the truth!" I clap my hands together. "Sakuya-san, Sakuya-san! Room cleaning, stop! Room, cleaning, stop!"

… No response! I had to make that joke though.

Patchouli snorted in response, then proceeded to try. "Sakuya~!"

And like that, Sakuya appeared. "Yes, Patchouli-sama?"

"This boy fled from the scene during the fluffle invasion, right?" Patchouli questioned.

Sakuya shook her head. "No, he and that other manchild were there. They weren't doing much but getting pressed in by the fluffy forces, but they were there."

Patchouli blinked. "Pressed in? By fluffles?"

Sakuya nodded. "Were it not for our special forces division, it'd probably have taken the bulk of the manor's fairies to make it work."

"...Huh." Patchouli didn't know what to make of that.

"...Will that be all?" Sakuya asked. "I'm rather busy at the moment…"

I wave my hands. "Hello, Sakuya!"

Flandre walks up to Sakuya. "Hello!"

"...Don't do anything stupid, you." She immediately chastises me and turns to Flandre. The nerve! Oh well, yo. I'll let it slide… because she can easily kick my ass, as she's proved previously.

Maybe I should be a little less ballsy…

…

Pffft! You guys totally thought I was using common sense for a moment there, didn't you? Psyche!

"Come, little mistress. I'll prepare your meal for you." Sakuya took Flandre's hand.

Flandre looked a little defiant, but complied anyway. "Sakuya~... I was gonna play with Patchy and Brad…"

They walked off and disappeared behind the bookshelves.

"...I was going to ask her for tea..." Patchouli vainly provided, staring at the air where she was.

"Oh, boo hoo. Try some Kool-Aid next time, I'm sure you won't regret it." I add, leaning pseudo-charismatically against the bookshelf.

"I'm sure that stuff would be the nail in the coffin for me." Patchouli shook her head. "In any case, I'm sure you're looking for that reward, then…"

I rub my hands together. "Ooh, boy! Stuff!"

I walked with her to wherever her 'study' might be…

"...So, 'bout that laptop…" Time to press this!

"...How do you know that's what it's called?" Patchouli desperately attempts to defuse me, but it is no use!

"Honey… I'm from the outside world. Me and computers are like water and freakin'... the Earth. If I was elemental, I'd be Internet elemental, yo. If I wasn't Kool-Aid elemental, or fanfic elemental, that is." Fanfic magic OP, yo.

"...I see." Patchouli says. She's either being thoughtful or dismissive, and I dunno which one!

Also, how uh… "...How did this mansion get internet access, anyway?"

Patchouli pauses. "...Yukari?"

I nod. "Seems legit."

We reach Patchouli's study desk, and she sits down at it. "Alright…" ...She taps the desk lightly in contemplation.

"...You do know what my reward was supposed to be, right?"

"...I was going to give you a tome at the time, but I've thought better of the idea now…" Oh, sod off.

...I don't think telling her to sod off would get me any closer to learning magic, though.

We mill about for a good few moments, until Patchouli snaps her fingers. "Got it."

Hmm? "What is it, yo?" I hope it's something good…!

"...I'll have Koakuma decide something."

…

Gettin' _real_ tired of your shit, Patchy…

"...Oh, don't look at me like that. I'll make sure it's actually a reward and not… well, a 'reward'." Patchouli reassures me.

"...Thank you." I respect the notion! I unfold my arms and stop giving her my patented "gonna fucking destroy you" glare I liked to give people at my school all the time. I was a very vain person back in school!

"...Koakuma!" Patchouli shouts. "...Hmm. We'll just have to wait for her to make her way back, then. Inconvenient, I know, but she's difficult like that, sometimes." Can't you just summon her to this spot or something!? Gaahh…

...

...I'd challenge Patchy to chess, but I remember that she's a mage; y'know, notorious for being crazy smart and all that. So, instead…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Chalk boards are fun!

"Hangman. Seriously?" Patchouli boredly glances up from the book she was reading.

"Yes. We are playing Hangman." To my right was an illustration of a pole and ten blanks next to it!

...Right now I'm wondering if-

"E."

Hey, she's playin' along! "One E…" I write it so it looks like _ E _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _.

"...I."

I write it so it looks like _ E _ _ I _ _ _ I _. "Two I's…" ...Also, those are like, the letter "eye", not "el". It's all uppercase; I don't mean to be patronizing, friends, but that's something I myself might have been confused about!

"...B."

I write it so it looks like B E _ _ I _ _ _ I _. "One B…"

"...Bewitching." Patchouli's head lowered so she could look at the book again.

I dropped the chalk. "I don't even know how you did that."

"You looked at me for too long before writing it. I simply assumed it had something to do with witchcraft." ...Shit, she saw that?...I, uh, was actually ogling her, not thinking about the… y'know nevermind…

"...Here." She levitates the eraser and chalk from her seat. Freakin' slob… I wish I could do that…

Ten blanks, she writes! Let's do this!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Well, my guy has been hung at the gallows!

The total at the end was _ _ _ S.

"...What even was it?" I ask. I had no idea what exactly could go in the first three blanks by this point.

"Zygospores."

"...Zygospores." I confirm Z, Y, and G. Two letters of which no one would ever fucking guess in a hangman game because they're like suicide.

"...Indeed." Patchouli didn't look up from her book at all while this took place!

"...Now that's just unfair." I fold my arms.

Patchouli flips a page. "Not if you're literate."

...I knew a similarly asshole-ish word, though! "Oohhh ho ho ho…!"

I write out six blanks on the board. "Try it, sister."

She glances up. "...Z."

Oh, balls. Z _ _ _ _ _

"...Y."

Fuck me. Z _ _ _ Y _

"...Zephyr."

I flip the chalkboard and it spins on its little rotate-y thing. "Graahh!"

"...I'm quite surprised you know a word like that." Patchouli admits.

I slouch. "I only remembered it because it began with a Z and had a Y in it at the same time…"

She flips a page. "...You should have seen that coming. If you had, you probably could have tripped me up for at least two words."

"What can I say, I got greedy yo…" ...As we humans do!

"...As humans typically do." Called it! "...Then again, I am not far from human myself."

I'd ask her what she means by that, but instead I just give a smug 'go on' gesture with my hands. "...I may be a born magician, but the main advantage we have over humanity is our mana pools, minds, and magical talent."

If magi are smarter… "...Why are there more humans than magi?" This was a legitimate question!

Patchouli actually looks up from her book to stare into my freakin' soul. "...Tell me, is there any mana left in the air of the outside world?"

...Well. That answers my question.

"Exactly."

Page flip.

"...Curiosity is naturally greedy, in a way." Patchouli admits.

I nod. "Yeah, I hear that a lot, and it really is. Typically, humans are bashed often for ignorance, but not only that, we also get bashed for our curiosity. Like, what can we do that's not freakin' stupid?"

"...Hmhm, it's more of a morality to curiosity balance ratio than it is hatred for curiosity itself. The greed for it, however, is what often violates moral standards." Patchouli flips a page.

"...Is it bad to be greedy?" I ask her.

Patchouli's eyes scan the page. "...Yes, and no. Many non-humans might dismiss you for such a question on the spot. Humans often have poor judgement, however. They judge based on environment, and based on preconceived variables from their respective environments and upbringings. I'm talking school children attempting to deal with youkai in the same manner they might deal with the village idiot. Different, funny-looking, and unique? To them, that screams 'target'. They come up to youkai and make fun of them. To youkai, that screams 'dinner'. After all, if they can't be scared, the next best thing is to… feed directly."

...So in summary, bad judgement is being a generic highschooler and treating youkai like generic highschoolers. "...Describe good judgement for me, if you would."

Patchouli pauses for a moment, then flips the page. "...Adapting one's expectations to their new environment instead of lazily bringing silly things like social structuring with them, I suppose."

... After a few moments, Patchouli continues. "Youkai are not as different from humans as they'd like to believe. However, by no means are they equal or the same, and youkai as a term in and of itself is a vast generalization of many species that may encompass it, barring the non sentient beasts here or there. Youkai expect to be respected for their abilities, and by extension, feared. To be insulted by the ignorant, however, is another story. The reason today's humans and the common youkai are incompatible is because humans will, with utmost certainty, value themselves higher. Underestimate whom they're talking with. Believe themselves better, or believe their youkai counterparts as weird, evil, malicious or simply laughable."

"...To an extent, this is understandable. Humans have developed with no other sentient species present, and even have trouble understanding one another, all too often opting for spreading hatred and conflict over even the most petty of differences. Lack of communication kills." Patchouli finishes, flipping a page slowly.

I bring a hand to my chin. "...Would things work out better if youkai understood where the humans were coming from? I know we humans can be ignorant twats the majority of the time, but wouldn't youkai be more receptive if they were savvy with how the outside world operates?"

Patchouli actually closed her book! "...Depends. Youkai are naturally quite proud, so ignorance and pride on behalf of the humans will probably still damage relations. There's a number of other intrinsic factors, including how humans seek technological advancement, which is something youkai typically haven't ever been reported contemplating. Our species and numbers are far too… fickle, as it were. Interspecies relations on a mass scale is quite a complex science. I'm quite glad I'm not a politician."

...Me too!

"...In any case, the fact you could sit in one place and listen so long is legitimately surprising to me." Patchouli begins to open her book again, sensing the bulk of the conversation as over.

I smile. "While humans are definitely not all that they make themselves out to be… I think character is something that should be handled with care, and I think youkai would agree with that notion."

...I'd also like to add that if I'm writing fanfiction like this, I can't be that freakin' stupid!

"...You shouldn't say things like that." Patchouli recognizes an error in my speech. "You'd probably be dismissed as just another one of them with the way that you structured that last sentence."

"Am I wrong? I know saying those three words is also a grave error, but you seem to be understanding where I come from when I say these things." She seems to be using a more neutral tone.

"...No, you're not wrong. Just foolish." There we are… "...Be thankful you're not having this conversation with Remi, or things would have gone a lot differently."

Eheh… "Yeah…"

…

"Still, I cannot fault one for their curiosity. That's a trait I admire very much myself." Patchouli adds, probably both because it's true and to keep the conversation from ending on such a low note.

I stretch my arms back and crack my neck a bit. Life at a computer does that to you… "Ma~n, all this talk about abstract social constructs and guff really tires me out!"

"...I'd figure." Patchouli subtly jabs as she turns the page again. The hell's she reading, anyway…? I glance at the tome, and it's freakin' blank. The era of unmarked books sucks.

Patchouli snorts about something. "...You could afford to be a little more subtle with your facial expressions, you know."

I raise my arms exaggeratedly. "Yo! I'm freakin' fluffy!"

Koakuma finally arrives, carrying some chunks from that super armor she had on earlier. "A-ah… I c-cleaned up the debris, m-mistress…" She could barely hold the stuff, but I wasn't in the mood to help her!

"...Set it down in the corner and I'll melt it down into rock cubes or something for future use." Patchouli instructed her idly.

"...A-alright…"

...Thud!

"...There…" Koakuma breathed a sigh of relief, then turned to look at me. "You!"

"Koakuma, stay."

Koakuma jerks her head back and furrows her brows. "...Stay?...Stay!? I'm a succubus, not a damn dog!"

"...Koakuma?"

She glares at Patchouli. "What?"

"...Stay."

"...Fine." Koakuma folds her arms and stands in place.

…

"...I need you to teach Brad here a spell of some sort. Nothing exclusive to succubi, and no hands-on demonstrations. No using any examples on him, either. It also has to be reasonable to his mana pool." Patchouli instructs her familiar.

"...I thought we were trying to capture him." Koakuma claims as she looks away from Patchouli.

"...Keyword being ' _were_ '." Patchouli sighed. "Just do as I ask."

"...Fine." Koakuma relents again, and then she looks at me. "...I'll teach you how to…"

...She, like Patchouli, pauses to think. I wonder what shitty spell I'm going to be taught this time…

"...Alright, this is the most worthless spell I have. If I'm going to be forced to legitimately teach you something, it's gonna be something like…"

Patchouli sighs and shakes her head as she stares into her book. Koakuma raises her hands to the air, and brings them down.

Splosh!

… Next to me falls a generic, white pillow, which goes splosh as it hits the ground.

"...The fuck is this?" I poke it with my sneaker a bit…

"...It's a pillow." Koakuma replies, before her expression grows sultry. "...Technically, _my_ pillow."

I raise a brow. "...Technically?"

"...It's a magically generated pillow." Koakuma reveals. "...It's also soaked in my love juices."

…

"...So who the fuck made this spell?" I had to know. What utter _maniac_ made something this impractical?... I'd like to meet them!

"...One of the succubi queens of old." Koakuma provides. "I don't know how old the spell even is, but I will tell you that _any_ succubi you meet knows how to cast it. It's just that none of us ever do."

...I don't think I wanna meet a succubus queen, though. The phermones'd kill me. It's been a gradual process, but Koakuma's are kinda-sorta-not really negligible now. I mean, I'm not constantly talking about the boner she gives me, so there's that.

Okay. "...So, why?"

Koakuma seemed to sympathize with how awkward I thought the spell was. "The purpose is that, in case a succubi didn't have functioning or powerful enough pheromones, they could use this pillow to directly influence humans. Due to the wet nature, we'd either have to burn the pillow to create a sort of 'erotic fire', or just shove it into their mouths and assault them with it."

...That sounds hilariously inefficient. "...I assume this was during a time before succubi were as developed as today." ...Or something, right?...Right?

"...One could only hope." Koakuma agrees. Jesus, fuck.

…

"...Incubi don't know this spell either; it's been a strictly succubus tradition that just hasn't ever been relevant to go back to. We're kinda born knowing how to do it, among other more useful succubus-related spells and skills, but this is by far the most useless spell… and you'll be the first male pretty much ever to know how to do it."

Goodie for me! "So, how do I go about learning it?"

"...We could either try the tedious process of plotting out formulas and magical concepts… that even I don't know, or~ I could do this the easy way…"

Patchouli turns from her book. "No sex, no kissing, and no ejaculations."

"...Is it okay if I kiss the hand, then?" Koakuma asks, looking annoyed.

"That should be fine. No lipstick, though." Patchouli adds, a tissue floating over to Koakuma.

"...Whatever." Koakuma wipes the lipstick from her lips. "Happy, buzzkill-sama?"

"...Remind me to reprimand you for that later." Patchouli didn't seem to particularly care, though.

Koakuma abruptly lifts my hand and quickly pecks the back of it, and suddenly I feel funny!... Like, the weird kinda funny…

I wobbled for a few moments, before my vision refocused and I blinked a bit.

...I feel like I knew something, now. I dunno what, but it was something!

Throwing my hand up into the air, I brought it down and…

...a pillow fell on the floor in front of me and Koakuma. She leaned down and examined it, only to stand up and back away hastily. I walked up to it myself, and noticed it was crusty…

…

What a familiar scent. I didn't expect to smell my own uh… residue… ever again!

...Man, that description was just _disgusting_. Sorry, friends!

"...Stale cum is the worst." Koakuma backs away, a little freaked out.

Patchouli's eyes widen and she turns to look at the pillow. "...Should...should I burn it?"

Koakuma shakes her head violently. "No! Not unless you vaporize it! Didn't you listen to me!?"

"...I-I don't want something like that in the library…!" Patchouli stood up and put her book down on its pages.

Koakuma waved her arms. "W-well, do something, then!"

"Fire Sign! Saint Elmo's Pillar!"

I stood back as the pillow underwent a baptism by fire. Amber light washed over the study as a pillar of flame reaching into the air above erupted from the floor, vaporizing it. When the pillar was gone, there was just a scorch mark on the floor.

…

I grin. "...There is serious bullshit potential to be had with this…!"

Patchouli's gaze darts to me, alarmed. "Don't cast that in here! Not again!"

...She turns to Koakuma, folding her arms. "...This is exactly what I didn't want to happen!"

Koakuma threw her arms up. "You told me to teach him something! I taught him something!"

I hold a hand. "Oh, don't worry guys. I wouldn't think of casting it _here_."

"...What have you done?" Patchouli made that fun tired and vain expression to her familiar!

Koakuma's frustration was increasing! "Gyaah!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 18

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes due to an upgrade. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. After an enchanted sunflower was tacked on, it gained the ability to allow casting of Gaia Seed.

INVENTORY:

Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Dispenser - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Upgraded to have a nozzle with which the weapon can be utilized as a flame thrower with.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Due to a dark amulet upgrade, it may be used to cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. Has a very situational instant-death dealing condition that, let's be honest, I probably couldn't fulfil; it's just there for world building. Help no.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Marks the wielder for death, dropping instant death resistance to zero and forces them to take 25% increased damage from all sources, but Flandre wasn't aware of the negatives when she created it. Different from the dark-elemental hanger in that this converts missing health into pure speed and none into power, and the increased damage isn't as punishing.

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

fun fun times

writing those intelligent-y segments always feels super weird, in like a good way

freakin', i had more to say but i always end up doing these note bits far too late for me to remember

in any case, see you all next time!


	21. It's a bomb-run day- it's the fairy way!

(in which we write checks our bodies can't cash)

After learning that spell, they pretty much let me leave the library without question!

...Why did I want to get out of the library in the first place? Oh, right, there was that whole incident with the vines going on. Right, right…

I stood in the middle of yet another scarlet hallway. The whole maze-y thing wasn't quite back yet, so I don't dread wandering the halls. At the moment, anyway. Also, considering the small scale of the hallway structure at the moment, the hallways felt like a busy city commute with all the fairy maids hustling and bustling about.

I pass by a generic yellow fairy maid with a pony tail, who then proceeds to bump into me forcefully.

I turn to her a little disbelievingly. "Yo, what- ah...?"

...Alright, I'm gonna say this now; despite my constant railing on fairies of being horndogs, I'm sure not _that_ many of them are as much of sexual deviants as Komi and her cronies. At least, that's what I thought.

That was until some generic fairy maid in the hallways groped my ass! Bad touch!

"Excuse me!?" I turn around and she's forced to let go, blushing. She turns away and starts to walk faster. I'm not gonna take this lying down, as much as I welcome the attention!

I run up behind her and grab her ass with both hands. I haven't done this before, so it feels kinda weird, but y'know-

"Kyyaah!" she screams, whirling around. Flattening her hand? Fuck-

Swoosh…!

...that!

Thankfully I backed up in time; as agile as I perceive myself as, I don't think I coulda ducked that one. I also made sure to go at an angle so that she couldn't just walk forward and slap me silly, albeit that was kinda the involuntary "oh shit something's about to hit me" reflex at work.

"P-pervert…!" The maid backed away from me cautiously, clenching her bum. Other fairy maids in the hallway stopped to observe the commotion, clearly part of her plan.

"Hey, you did it first! Don't give me that shit today, lad!" I pointed at her. She wanted to get all her chucklefucks in on this? Okay, let's do that! Bring 'em on!

"W-what are you talking about…?" You cheeky piece of shit…

I walked towards her as she backed up, pointing at her. "No, no, no. _You_ groped _me_ first. So I groped you, and now _you're_ the one getting all bent out of shape? Fuck you!" Ahhh, hallway rage. The best kind of rage next to road rage and sidewalk rage.

"T-that's not what happened!" She backed away semi-fearfully. "Y-you're being mean!"

I spread my arms out. "Fairies! People! She's trying to blatantly force you to sympathize with her! She's a manipulator!"

I hear murmurs from the crowd. "What is he talking about…?" "That hairy guy is trying to hurt Yellow-chan!" "What a pervert…"

...Oh, right, I'm talking to fairies. They're probably worse than high schoolers when it comes to this sort of thing. Shit.

"...Fuck's sakes..." I ready the Escape Plan, once again mentally thanking Flandre for saving my ass yet again.

Yellow-chan, who was named by loving parents, clearly, proceeded to capitalize on the groupthink. "S-stop him! He-he's been harassing me!"

 _Been_ harassing you!? Do I need another ass kicking session in this mansion in the foreseeable future or what!?

...also, do fairies even have kids? Or parents?... I don't think so. Hmm.

I dash off as danmaku waves slowly trail behind me. I make for Remilia's room, because I don't think I'd get disturbed there. Being the only male in a mansion full of stupid fairies is worse than you'd think!

Hashtag first… world... problems? This isn't necessarily 'first world', but these aren't typical problems either!

I cut past hallways as the trail of angry fairies slowly grows behind me. How easy were they to convince one another, anyway?

It is at this point it occurs to me that I am literally eighteen chapters and two hundred thousand words into this fanfic and I'm _still_ being chased around by angry fairies.

Game is hard. If only I'd have some conveniently super-utilitarian power or something like all those fanfic protagonists usually have! I'm just a guy with fancy shit right now!

...and the ability to make crusty pillows fall from above. Also, some basic fire and water magic, but that's beside the point!

I suddenly have to dodge harder as I notice the fairies have suddenly gotten on my ass despite their slow speed. I wonder why this is, but I look back and noticed that Yukari has literally gapped the length of the hallway between me and them away, portions of scenery disappearing into the gap lines then re-appearing when the fairies should be passing them.

...Why would Yukari be- oh, right, I broke the fourth wall just then. Guess I deserve this, then!

The murmur of "tatatatat", "Fwi-Choom", and "Pi~chun"s motivate me to keep moving my aching legs.

Yeah, some of them were mowing down each other, the wily rascals. It'd be awesome if Yellow-chan somehow got herself killed in the stampede _she_ started, but I doubt it.

While I was thinking all of this, I reached Remilia's door! I kicked it open-

C-reeee!

-and instead of a eerie creak, it emitted this high pitch squeal that made my skin crawl. Eeugh!

...Remilia wasn't here, she was at the gates. Balls.

I slammed the door behind me, and heard sounds of violence. It'd only be a matter of time before they just outright broke it open!

Okay, options… I'm on the upper level, so windows aren't an option- why'd this room even have windows? Remilia hates the sun!

Ba-bam-bam-ba-b-bam-bam!

The door was getting smashed, yo!

I could hide under the bed, but what if they find me? Near the bed? Yeah, no!

...There was tea on the counter. As tempting as it was to sit and drink tea waiting for them, I'd like to not stick around for the inevitable pain train.

B-bam-bambam-bam-b-b-ba-bam! Cr-crack!

"Christ, keep it down out there!" I shout, knowing no one would actually hear it over the violence. I saw wood chips flying off the door- Remilia'd be pissed.

Remilia…

...I wonder…

Bam-bam-ba-ba-bam! Cr-cr-cra~ck!

"Christ, the pizza delivery service is brutal these days…" I comment while removing my monk garb and trying desperately to slip one of Remilia's tops on. Let me tell you this: they don't fucking fit, but I don't care!

Bam! Crack! Bam! Crack!

I look to the door and see danmaku pellets making their way through holes, fairies trying to reach through it like bloody zombies, only for their friends to turn them to swiss. Jesus.

By now I've slipped off my monk garb and am trying to fit Remilia's long skirt on. Well, it's more like a 'knee skirt' on me. Eheh…

Boosh!

Fairies began crawling in through larger holes.

I slipped Remilia's mob cap on. To make the appearance work, I like, kneel at her tea table, trying to make my shirt not look completely horrible. Sadly, I didn't have awesome red eyes, vampire powers, or any of that shit. Nor did I have as pale of skin as she did (not by much, mind you!), nor did I have the lavender-ish hair. Infact, my face was totally wrong too.

But if there was any way to go, yo, this would be it! I hastily shoved my monk garb into the sack of wonders and things...

I do my best to sport that good 'ol "I'm gonna eat you" glare of mine, and rest my arms on the table and bring my hands together in a Doctor Doom-esque way, trying to look as vampiricly charismatic as possible. I'd fold my legs, but that's fucking hard when you're kneeling, so I don't.

The fairies blinked confusedly at the sight before them, as the remains of the door behind them were smashed in various manners, be it vaporized by heavy danmaku exposure or torn apart by excited fairies.

They calmed down as they cautiously neared the tea table, and my appearance received mixed reception.

"W-well? Why aren't we attacking him?" asked someone from the crowd. I don't freakin' know!

"B-but it's the mistress! We can't!"

"That's not the mistress, you stupid-!"

"What!? Really!?"

Apparently, intelligence was a mixed bag amongst them. I clear my throat, and the fairies quiet down.

I glare at them and prepare to speak. Hopefully my girl voice doesn't suck that bad!

"...What are you imbeciles doing in my abode?" I could tell I was already not in character, but I don't think they cared! I had my hand on my face in a sort of facepalm-esque thing, but in reality I had my hand on my nose to make my voice nasally. It's no girl voice, but it's not my weird ass man voice!

"...U-uhm…" It was Yellow-chan who spoke up! "...D-did you see a pervert around here…?"

I wonder. "...Yes."

Her face lights up. "W-where did he…"

"That pervert… is you." I declare.

Some of the fairies gasp, while others stare at me skeptically, probably knowing who I really was, but against saying it lest they further confuse their lovably retarded companions.

She stares at me with a shocked expression. "W-what...how?"

"I see all within my walls, you know." I declare. "...I did not like what I saw."

I bring my fist down on the table. "...Leave."

Fairies begin filing out, but Yellow-chan remains, glaring at me. "...Y-you're wrong…"

The fairies stop and turn to her, eyes widening.

"You're wrong, mistress! You're nothing but a big, fat, phony!" Yellow-chan roars, glaring at me with fury unseen in the likes of a fairy before.

Now every fairy gasped at her in awe, backing away as she stepped- no, stomped towards me. Holy fucking shit!

The jig is up boys! The jig is bloody up! I rise from my chair and dash to the window!

"Get her! The mansion, is ours!" Yellow-chan shouts, and the fairies all go for me.

Smash!

I dive out the window, saluting them as I fall backwards.

…

I jump again before I hit the floor.

So, did you guys forget I could double jump, or what? 'Cause I certainly almost did! Then I remembered those other times I leapt out windows and how they turned out: surprisingly well!

...This was also one of those rare times where I could pull out some bullshit from-my-ass tactic, but have it actually be legitimate because it was pre-established like literally eighteen chapters ago.

...I'm still dressed in a laughably small, pink dress, most of my skin exposed. Oh, man, those guys who thought I was really Remilia? They were _not_ going to have a good time when they go to attack the real Remilia.

...I'm also outside, and it's night now.

After a few clumsy moments of throwing the monk garb on in exchange for Remilia's goodies, I decide to keep her mob cap on because it's poofy. And cuddly. It's also very poofy. Very, very poofy.

...I sit outside for a little while simply patting my new hat, but I shake my head and convince myself that that's probably something I could do on my own time. Y'know, not like I had a lot of that, right?

I could make my way to the front of the manor, but then I'd have to have a long talk with Remilia about hat politics, and possibly my imminent departure from the realm of the living. Yea~h, no. Let's not.

Instead, I make my way for that outer cellar door. Finding it's a bit weird, because despite the mansion having burnt down and undergoing renovations, it's still in that spot where that one wall it was along _used_ to be; so now it's just a door that's slanted against some foundation and metal-y bits, and no wall.

I open the battered-as-hell cellar door; it had better be battered after flooding, fire, and assorted elements kicking its ass in rapid succession. I proceed to step inside and quickly grow more cautious as it's dark on the inside.

How the hell did I navigate this place again?... Oh, whatever, I can just do the FPS gamer method of shooting a single bullet and using the flash from the muzzle to light my way. I pull out Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber and proceed to test my theory.

Pew!...step step step…

Pew!...step step step…

This is a lot easier than walking around outside. For one thing, this hallway's freakin' totally linear so I probably didn't need to light the way at all. It's also neatly organized. Ironically, even though it seems like a furniture storage duct or something, it's mostly untouched despite the mansion being in dire need of crap to fill its ever expanding halls. Did they just forget all this stuff was down here? Damn.

...I find that door to Flandre's room after a few moments of walking straight forward, and I see light emanate from under the door. I walk up to it, and knock.

"Ah? Come on in, I think! I can't open that door from over here!" Flandre calls out to me from within.

I try to open the door, and it clicks open easily enough. Guess it was only locked from one side, that one time…

I walk inside, and see Sakuya has set a cake down on the table.

"Hey." she greets me, before her eyes lock on the mob cap. "...Any particular reason I shouldn't kill you for wearing one of those?"

I put my hands up. "Yo, I had reasons. Huge angry fairy horde feels like attacking Remilia is a good idea, and it's not entirely my fault!"

Sakuya blinks. "...I don't even know how you do it, sometimes."

I shake my head. "Me neither! I hardly even participate in it, it just kinda happens!"

"...So, is mistress…?" Sakuya looks confused.

"She's manning the front gate, as instructed by Patchouli. Her contribution to the incident, apparently!"

"...Ah. I see. So, those fairies…" Sakuya still had many questions!

"...So it all started when one of them touched me inappropriately!" I begin.

"I don't need to know about your inappropriate exploits." Sakuya deadpans.

"It's relevant, yo! Cut me some slack hea!" I extend my arms.

"...Fine. Make it quick." Sakuya was all pressy, again!

I nod. "Aight, yo, so after she touched me, I touched her back-"

"Are you sure you weren't just making out with a fairy in the hallway?" Sakuya folds her arms.

I just noticed it, but Flandre is now leaning on the table towards Sakuya, ceasing consuming her slice of the scarlet pastry. "...Uhm… what does 'making out' mean?"

Sakuya freezes, then glares at me.

I put my hands in front of me. "That was _all_ you. I was actually vague about it!"

...She sighed. "...I'll… tell you some other time, little mistress."

Flandre pouted. "Wha~t? Why? Why can't I know now?"

Grimacing, Sakuya looked at her. "W-well, it's just-"

"Just what? I have a right to know these things!" Flandre put her hands on her hips. "I thought we agreed not to hide things from me any more!"

"I-I understand, but-"

"But nothing! Tell me, Sakuya!" Flandre stood up, glaring her down. "That's an order!"

…

"V-very well, little mistress…" Sakuya looked very conflicted.

…

"...Y-you see, when a boy and a girl, uhm…" Sakuya pressed her fingers together. "...really, really like each other…"

I folded my arms and had the biggest shit-eating grin.

Flandre's arms were also folded, but she had her head tilted.

"...they uh, show their affection… in a physical way?" I feel like I could explain this better in a non-awkward way. Okay, it'd be awkward, but I'd just ignore it or even freakin' let it fuel me like I usually do.

But I'm not. 'Cause I'm an asshole.

Flandre gave Sakuya a long stare.

…

Sakuya stretched her neck a bit, looking uncomfortable.

…

"...I don't get it!" Flandre declared.

Sakuya sighed, looking relieved. "...I-I didn't expect you to, little mistress."

"You! You're more clear with these kinds of things!" Flandre pointed at me. "You explain it!"

…

I grinned at Sakuya, whose eyes widened. I wish I had a whiteboard with me, but oh well!

"Alright, so 'making out'..." I rub my chin, thinking of what to say…

I look at Sakuya. "Say, Sakuya, care to demonstrate with me?"

She blinks a bit, and steps back. "...W-what? N-no! I mean..." She glares at me. "Don't say things like that. You'll be a bad influence."

I roll my eyes, smiling. "As if I was ever a good influence to begin with…"

I thought I detected the faintest of blushes from my comment, but I could just as easily be imagining shit as I usually do when it comes to these intricate social complexities!

"Alright, legit, so 'making out' is basically, uhhh…" I should have used that 'thinking time' to actually think of what to say! "...It's like when two lovers, typically boy and girl… or attack helicopter, long story, uh- go ahead and rub, kiss, and touch eachother in sexual manners as a result of their hormones."

Flandre nods. "...So, is it like sex?"

She apparently knew what sex was! Sakuya looks equally surprised "...Well, it's like pre-sex. It's not foreplay, but it's like… the casual bit before foreplay."

"What's foreplay?" Flandre asks.

"Ooo~h…" I trail off. Shieut. "...Basically, the pre-sex that come after the 'make out', and is pretty much like 'yeah we're gonna have sex now, but let's fool around and have fun with it'. You see, they might stop at the 'make out' if they don't want to go too far, but foreplay is usually like… it means it's gonna happen, basically." I explain.

Flandre furrowed her brows. "...Where do attack helicopters come in?"

Ah. "...That's a very, very big topic for another day. Mostly because it's a whole different issue entirely, and I think it'd be best to have Patchouli around for that one." For multiple reasons, but for now let's just drop it! Flandre does not need to know about gender fluidity bullshit!

"...Oh, okay." Flandre seems placated with the amount of knowledge she's gained, nodding in a satisfied manner.

"...I'd like to ask how you know what sex is." I inquire. I mean, knowing what sex is but not the other bits? Hmmhmm…

Flandre stared at me with a blank expression. "...I'm not stupid, you know. I've learned what I can. I just don't haven't had as many opportunities as other people."

...Dayum. Now that I think on that, I suppose I can relate; back in the good 'ol U.S. of A, if you didn't have cash, chances are you weren't going to a great college, and the best colleges and sources of education and opportunities typically came with the money. Sure, there was always the story of the rags to riches man, but can you tell me how often that even happens? There's a reason those stories are so amazing; and it's because they're super freakin' rare! I bet rags to riches wouldn't be a big thing if everyone was doing it!

Sakuya sighed, breaking the tension. "...So, those fairy maids…?"

Ri~ght… "So, after I got into that whole fiasco with that one, she screamed out that I was hurting her and then since the hallways were so full, everyone kinda just bandwagoned my ass all the way over to Remilia's room. I hoped she was there, but uh… yeah."

"...You're still here right now. It's not like you leaped out the window, right?" Sakuya asked, arms on her hips.

"Ahahah, right… funny story, actually… you see, I did indeed leap out the window!"

"Bullshit." Sakuya glared at me.

"Nope." I wave my finger. "I can double jump, y'know?"

"...Genuinely?" Sakuya looked unamused.

I demonstrated by jumping and jumping again, and I had to awkwardly bend myself so as to not hit the ceiling of the room. Speaking of, Flandre's room looked a lot nicer now, complete with a tiled floor that fit the whole scarlet aesthetic, with some black tiles to accent it, and the walls were all proper and had these fancy wood patterns on them versus the rather droll stone basement walls here prior.

"...Have I seen this before?" Sakuya placed her hands behind her head, trying to place if she saw me double jump before…

I nod. "Yeah. Pretty sure you have. I don't blame you for forgetting, though. I almost did, too."

Flandre looked amused. "You guys have bad memory!"

...Well, she's not wrong.

...That cake still has a l~ot of slices. "...Mind if I have a slice?" I inquire.

"Not at all!" Flandre smiles, letting me have a piece.

Sakuya looks mildly perturbed. "You… do know what is put into the mistress' cakes, right?"

I nod. "Blood, right? How much, anyway?"

Sakuya blinks. "...I...don't think… it's okay for me to disclose that…"

I turn to Flandre. "How much iron do you taste?"

She shrugs. "Eh? Well… a little. It's not bad, I guess."

Bottoms up! I cut a piece slowly, struggling with the knife as I usually do because I just naturally suck at cutting cakes, and I place it on a little fine porcelain plate.

I turn to Sakuya. "...Y'know, you'd save a lotta man power on dish washing if you invested in paper plates." Provided, you'd have tons of trash to clean up!

Sakuya was not receptive of the idea. "...I don't know how the outside operates, but I don't think plates made from paper would ever work."

I nod while using a fork to remove part of the cake; yet another task I always found difficulty in. Come to think of it, I never liked eating cakes! "Well… you're wrong."

Sakuya blinked, and I took my bite.

...Sweet, a hint of iron, and uh, wa~y too much chocolate for me. I hate chocolate cakes, despite my normal love for chocolate. Was this dark chocolate? 'Cause if it is, I'm gonna have the runs in like ten minutes from now!

"...Was that dark chocolate?" I ask.

"...We didn't have the resources, unfortunately. Old ingredients sort of went with the kitchen." Sakuya stares at me with vague curiosity.

Thank fuck. "Good. You've saved the lives of many upon this day."

Sakuya doesn't take her eyes from my plate. "...How can you do that so easily?"

Hmm? "Whaddaya mean?"

"...Eating blood, I mean."

Hm. I shrug. "...You only use the clean stuff, right?"

Sakuya nods. "...Chemically, yes. No diseases or pathogens, as that muddles the taste, so they say."

"Then I've got nothing to really fear." I say. "It'll just get digested, and it doesn't taste like fucktons of iron so you didn't just pour a bucket of blood into the batter, clearly, so I shouldn't have problems."

"...Don't you feel weird? It's the blood of another human being… one of which is probably not alive to this day." Sakuya seems to be trying her best to weird me out, but it's not working, yo.

"So? I mean, sucks for him, but what does it matter to me? I don't think Remilia sees me as food as much as she does an interesting hooligan at this point… that, and my blood tastes like shit, apparently. I'm pretty alright with that, actually." Now, whenever a youkai comes at me and is like 'I'm gonna eat you, rawr!' I can legit go 'yo I taste bad'!

Flandre's finished her slice. "...I think I'm done for now."

I only took that one bite earlier, and I don't feel up to it anymore, because screw the chocolate. "Too much chocolate for me, sorry yo. If it was a vanilla and blood cake, then we'd be talking. The iron's a little hard on the tastebuds sometimes, but it's unique and not entirely obstructive, so it's alright."

...To be honest with you, I'd also much prefer a strictly vanilla cake. Blood's not bad, but the iron tinge is more just kinda unique than helpful to the flavor. For me, anyway. I suspect for vampires it's a different story- for biological reasons.

Sakuya shakes her head. "You're a weirdo."

I nod, grinning. "Yeah, I get that a lot."

She begins walking out of the room, but stops and turns to me. "Did you ever think that it might be true?"

Pfft. "I know it's true. It's a way of life, yo."

She nods. "...A good answer as any, I guess."

...Oh, right. I stood up from my chair. "Yo, Sakuya, hold up."

She pauses. "Hmm?"

I walk with her as she leaves the room, and I find myself in that asshole maze hallway with her.

"The fairies are probably in a super rebellious state at the moment." Y'know, the whole 'fuck Remilia' movement they have going on…

"...Your point being?" Sakuya, baby, work with me!

I stretch a bit, preparing myself for violence. "...That means that if anything, the mansion's reconstruction is going backwards at the moment."

…

"...Right." Sakuya sighs. "...I suppose I should contact the mistress."

...Hmm…

"...O~r we could solve this before she even comes back from the gates!" That'd be sick! This would **a story for glory** , yo!

Sakuya furrows her brows. "...Really? Why shouldn't we just-"

"Hey, Flandre!" I call for her, looking at her door.

"Don't get the little mistress involved." Sakuya grabs me by the arm.

"Yeah?" Flandre calls from the room.

I turn my head to face Sakuya again. "Look, yo, how're we gonna get her to level up if we never grind out that fresh EXP? Look, the manor's fulla angry mooks at the moment, so why not let her go ahead and sort out this dilemma?"

She glares at me. "What the hell are you even talking about?"

Freakin'... "It builds character is what I'm trying to say, basically."

She bites her lip, looking unsure. "...You might be right, but still…"

I put a hand on her shoulder, and she brushes it off. "Don't do that."

Well, shit. Whatever. "Sorry. Well, look, what're fairies going to do to a super powerful, centuries old vampire?"

"..." Sakuya stopped protesting, seeming neutral on the idea. "...Fine. Do you want to make a deal, then?"

Oooh, stakes! Givin' our mission some purpose! "Sure, yo."

"If you make sure Remilia doesn't hear a peep of this…" Sakuya places a finger on my lips, interestingly.

She leans over to my ear all of a sudden. "...I might actually give you a few canisters of that Kool-Aid thing you keep talking about."

Woaahoohoaaah!

"You got yourself a deal!" I step back, grab her hand, and shake it.

"...I expected a more flustered reaction." Sakuya blinks as I assault her arm.

"Who do you think you're talkin' to, yo? I mean, I was about to be, but then you talked about Kool-Aid!" I grin.

…

Sakuya nods, knowing better than to argue with my inane brand of logic. "Alright… but _only,_ " She backs away from me, breaking the vigorous handshake. "if you actually keep this fiasco hidden from the mistress… which I'm pretty sure is impossible at the rate you described."

I walk back towards Flandre's room, and the door opens, Flandre in the doorway. "What did you call my name for?"

"Reasons. Tonight, we make a story… **A story, for glory**!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====

Flandre and I buckled down for a long night of fucking shit up!

I laid some blank pieces of paper down on the table, and took out some of Flandre's plans. "Okay, here's the plan…"

...I drew a blank.

"...Alright, screw the plan. We're just gonna go out there, bring some mops and shit, beat up assholes, and work really quickly!"

...Flandre blinked. "What are we even doing?"

Oh, that's kinda important. "So, the fairies of the manor rebelled, right?"

"They are…?" She looked slightly concerned.

"Yeah, they also wanna harm your sister!" Now, in hindsight, saying this was a good idea…

"What!?" Flandre roared, rising from her chair.

I extended my arms cautiously. "Yo, yo, yo! It's okay, it's okay, she's not even in the mansion right now!"

"...Okay." Flandre crossed her arms, looking cross as she did so.

"...So what we wanna do is fix things so when she gets back, the manor's all nice for her, right? We can do that, right, Flandre?" I smile.

"... I dunno. Only a few times have I seen how sister runs the mansion before…" Flandre tilts her head back and forth, unsure.

I shake my head. "Bah, well, just vaguely follow her example and we'll be cool." Probably.

"...Alright. I'll do it!" Flandre agrees. "I'll help onee-sama!" Thatta girl!

"Let's do it!" I give a battle cry, and we rush into the halls.

…

I pull up Escape Plan again, and we carefully stare at it as we traverse this douchebag design of a hallway.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====

Emerging from our humble hole in the Earth, we find Sakuya relaxing on one of those long chairs outside!

"...I'm sure Remilia'd be happy you're doing your job. Carry on." I deadpan, moving towards the manor.

Sakuya just chuckles, and Flandre gives her a curious look that I don't think she noticed. Regardless…!

We spot some fairy maids scribbling on the walls!

"You there!" I point at them.

They don't seem to acknowledge me. The heat's taken off me, at least, but uh…

Flandre stands next to me. "Um… you two! Please stop?"

The fairies pause for a moment and look at her, gazing… up… from the wall? They were like, walking on the walls in a way, so when they scribbled they kinda kneeled down _on_ the wall and crawled on it. It's hard to describe!

"...Please?" Flandre folded her hands together and tried the 'ol puppy dog eyes trick.

...The fairy maids promptly resumed their scribbling.

"..." Flandre's expression suddenly dropped, and slowly it shifted to one of either disgust or rage. "...You! You two!"

Flandre's bellowing voice reminded me of her sisters!

"Stop that! Now!"

One of the mint-haired maids dared to speak up! "...O-or...what?"

In the blink of an eye, Flandre was next to her. Flandre took the crayon she had by ripping it from her grasp, and like that she crushed it. When she opened her hand, the crayon was nothing but a fine mist.

"...Or we'll play a game." I think Flandre knew full and well how to be adequately creepy to get exactly what she wanted, now. I'm still curious as to why exactly she was locked up, though.

Another yellow-haired maid bugger, the one that was with the minty-haired one, floats up to Flandre. "You can't do that! Your sister and you mean nothing to us now! This is a fairy sanctuary!"

She tries to push Flandre, and but no matter how much force she exerts, Flandre doesn't even move. In one fluid motion, Flandre grabs her wrist.

"H-hey, let go! Stupid vampire! Let go!... Oww! L-let go! A-aahh! Let go!"

Slowly, the maid's cries began to shift to ones of agony as Flandre slowly ripped her arm from its socket, using her other arm to hold the torso still. A sickening rip accented the deed, but blood did not drip from the fairy- they didn't bleed, as always; instead, magic simply trickled out. Or, well, flowed out openly in this case.

The maid's screams ceased, and she stared into space with an expression that could only be described as blissfully painful. I say this because if I didn't hear the wails prior, I'd have thought she orgasmed from that expression on her face. Damn, man.

Pi~chun!

She was dead.

"...A-a...oh...okay…" The minty-haired maid started trembling. "I-I…"

Flandre turned to her, and latched her hands on the maid's shoulders. "W-what!? Stop!"

Flandre lunged for her neck, sinking her fangs into the flesh of the maid.

"A-aaaaa~hh!"

Sakuya was up by my side, cautiously observing the spectacle. She seemed to have her knives ready, but she wasn't doing anything, which was probably a smart move.

…

Flandre ripped her fangs from the maid's flesh. "...Empty. In my way."

She ripped her arms across the fairy's body, tearing it asunder and blowing the limbs away in one fell swoop. The limbs faded into magic cleanly.

Flandre slowly walked around the walling.

...I really don't want to say anything right now. We're supposed to be teamed up, so uh… "Hey, uh, Flan-"

She turns to me, and I see her eyes flash in the darkness. She stays completely still as she observes me, and I freeze in return.

…

After a ginger moment, she continues. Up ahead, when she rounds the doorway, she punches it open, sending the door flying.

...I nod. "So that's why she was locked up. I don't think I ever would have normally seen that side of her, were it not for these shenanigans."

Sakuya walked up alongside me, before sighing deeply. "...We'll be lucky if this mansion sees the next sunrise, now."

...The first thing that comes to my mind is how to tame the primal beast! "Would throwing water on her help matters?"

"...Yeah." Sakuya nodded. "We'd need a bucket or two… or ten. I think she'd catch on quite quickly."

I shrug. "You can stop time."

She stops facing the door to turn to me. "She can stop life."

Well… technically, yes. "...She didn't use it on-"

"Fairies have always been a strange exception. We sent some to care for her, for a time. We stopped after awhile, though, for various reasons." Sakuya reminds me.

...Oh, _shit_. Fairies are instant death resistant, aren't they?

Looking around the mansion side, Sakuya seems to not want to move at the moment. I take in the brisk night air, and gaze that the stars above.

I raise my fist at the moon. "It's close to midnight, and I'm barking at the moon! Raaaah!"

"...Why is it that in situations like _this_ you choose to not be serious?"

I grin. "I'm a metal machine~!"

"Sure you are."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====

We step in the smashed door, and immediately I see the remnants of Flandre's enraged slaughter.

...Mostly smashed walls, and some ripped maid outfits. Some traumatized maids remained, motionless on the floors here or there. Lots of stuff was smashed, but since there wasn't much furniture yet, I suppose it wasn't that big of a loss.

"...Why exactly was Flandre locked up in the first place?" I think this needs to be said.

Sakuya walked forward, eyeing the maids carefully. "...At the time, she was very, very unstable, so the sayings go. I wasn't around the entire length of her captivity, obviously. My interactions with her were quite… minimal. When I saw how she acted recently, I was just as perplexed as you were when she got… violent."

One of the maids got up. "...H-h…"

Sakuya flinched, whirled around, and sent a barrage of knives at her, pinning her against the wall.

Pi~chun!

She was slain.

"...That was completely necessary!" I comment. "I bet she would have crushed our skulls if we didn't brutally murder her!"

Sakuya gets the message. "...I'm a little on edge. Can I be blamed?"

I shrug. "Not really, no. Speaking of…" I whip out Swift Brand. "...I suppose I should get more edgy, too, yo."

"...I said on _edge_ , not angsty." she smugly replied

"Same thing in the end, really." Was it really?...Nah, I was kinda talking out of my ass here. But it _could_ be!

"Sure." I think Sakuya had enough of my witless banter for one evening.

...Well, I think the fairy rebellion's kinda up and died. Like, 'dragged into the streets and shot by the ones that it held dear' kind of dead. Flandre made sure of that, I'm sure. Here I was thinkin' I could crack some fairy skulls with her, and then she goes and does it all herself…

...and even worse, she accidently'd most of the walls! Hnnngh!

"...I don't think uh… this will be easy to keep under the wraps." I awkwardly state, eying the property damage.

Sakuya nods. "We should do something. Fast."

I raise my hands. "Dump water on her!" I suggested that earlier, but was somewhat shot down!

"...I'm not sure how well that would work." Sakuya adds. "I know a few bucket's worth could do something, but I don't know how resistant Flandre is."

Well… "We could always get Patchy to flush her out. Like, literally."

"...We want to pacify her, not drown her." Sakuya stared at me disapprovingly.

I throw my hands into the air. "I don't know the H2O tolerance of pissed off vampire people! I'm not Simon Belmont!"

Sakuya gives me a funny look for a moment, before carrying on. "...Hmph." ...She didn't exactly have much to carry on, apparently.

…

Well, no use standing around and gauging the impending doom! "Let's go find those buckets!"

"...Are we really?"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====

Sakuya and I stood at the corner around a doorway, the door open a crack and a bucket of water hung on top of it.

"Are you sure this… will work?" Sakuya stared at the bucket very apprehensively.

I nod. "Positive!"

... Before we even know it, the entire door is punched through, the door itself sent flying. The bucket does indeed spill, but the water ends up pretty far from anything at all of relevance.

"...Negative." I correct myself.

I see Flandre walking through the door- no, floating. Probably in case water was all over the floor now; she seems to have recognized the whole 'water' thing within the first five seconds of water existing near her. Dayum.

"...Die." Flandre stoically stares down at the bucket

She holds out her hand, fits the bucket into her vision, and squeezes her it into a ball.

BLAM

The bucket was no more. Rest in pieces, little dude…!

Sakuya pulls me away, and I eventually catch the memo and begin running with her.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====

Flandre was down the hall, standing still. She had been like that for a few moments after she tore up some heroic fairies clad in pots and pans from the renovated kitchen.

I was at the other end of the hall, a big ass slingshot built into the carpet.

"...When you told me you needed wood, and a giant rubber band, this was _not_ what I had in mind." Sakuya's eyes ran over the device, her expression one of befuddlement.

"I gotta have a good meal." I smugly smiled.

"...Wh-what does that even have to do… with anything?" I don't think Sakuya knows what to think anymore!

"I eat John. It's what I do." I was quoting that one "Garflief" youtube video, for those who don't get my reference!

She blinked. "...I give up. This plan's not going to work." Sakuya sits down on the floor, crosses her legs, and rests her head in her right hand, fingernails tapping the floor with her other hand.

I was finishing up the band, hoping to high heaven above that the thing'd actually serve its purpose, and I pulled back the bucket, fighting the band as I did so. I couldn't tilt the bucket, obviously, because the water would spill everywhere and I'd be fookin' stoopid.

After a good moment of fighting the band, I accidentally let go.

"Oh, shit!" I yell.

Sakuya's eyes dart up from the floor to the slingshot, then to the bucket as it flies.

…

Clang! The bucket… did infact miss Flandre. The metal bucket struck the wall, embedding itself in it, and the water splashed everywhere.

Flandre jumped back reflexively as a bit of it seems to have splashed out, and all it served was to piss her off it seems, because now she was yelling.

"Hrraaa~gh!" She threw her arms back, nails extending as the essence of violence seemed to fill the air. She dashed off to the left- from our perspective, thus obscuring her down the hallway.

I glared at the bucket. "Garfield, you lazy cat!"

"...I think we need Patchouli's help." Sakuya decides.

I turn to her. "...Naa~h, this is clearly under control."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====

"Let's see her fucking dodge this!"

I sat on a tall tower of scrunched cardboard boxes. We were outside the back door, and with Sakuya's help, we constructed a rafter covered in nothing but buckets full of water.

"...The scary part is that I'm half expecting some of these ideas to work." Sakuya admits.

I shrug. "This is how it typically goes." ...my life, I mean!

The door opens, and Flandre walks out.

"Come out, come out~!" ...Did she calm d-

"Wherever you are!" Flandre shot a barrage of exploding bullets to the right, a fixture of plywood getting sent ablaze.

...Nah, she seems a little tense. I have just the solution!

I kick the plywood, and nearly fall off the crumpled box tower, but Sakuya grabs my arms, stopping a one story fall that'd probably break my back.

I grin sheepishly. "Eheh…"

The plywood rafter board folds downward, and the buckets all drop.

Splaaa~sh!

Flandre ends up with a bucket on her head and covered in water.

I had to cover my ears for the following scream.

"Aaaa~aah!"

Well, if Remilia didn't hear that, then fuck me!

The bucket that was on her head soared into the night sky, and I suspect it probably went supernova once it left the atmosphere or something.

She stumbled around a bit, apparently disoriented by what little water actually hit her, before running back inside.

"...Well, if that didn't do anything, we _definitely_ need Patchouli." Sakuya decided.

I nod. "I guess so…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====

"...You're the opposite of a miracle worker." Patchouli claims.

I fold my arms. "It's a work to be employed, yo."

"I'm pretty sure I'd fire you instantly." Sakuya deadpans.

I grin and furrow my brows. "...Aren't we here to stop Flandre, not riff on me!?"

"...Fine, fine…" Patchouli pauses to collect herself. "...I suppose water and holy magic are our top choices, but we don't have anything remotely holy here. If only that miko were around…"

I pull out that holy hanger. "It's holy." I provide.

"It's also a plant hanger." Patchouli declines the idea.

"...It's holy." I insist.

"No."

"...But it's holy!" I thoroughly insist!

"No!"

...Fine. "Yeah, whatever…" I fold my arms. In retrospect, while it was a holy hanger, I don't think it'd be holy enough to make a difference. What even quantifies holiness…? I might ask Reimu later. Holy magic is weird.

"...In any case, what we need is to get Flandre into a room." Patchouli begun.

"And demolish her with a shoehorn!?" I excitedly proposed, tearing off my worn-out grey sneaker.

"...Look me in the eyes, and tell me the probability of that working." Patchouli glared at me.

"...One hundred… percent… negative?" I guess.

Patchouli turns away. "Now, we also need an easy way to flood the room, too. If we do it from one angle, she might simply blow open the wall."

My hand shoots up, and Patchouli facepalms.

"...Yes, Brad…?"

"I suggest we give me a shockwave cannon, like the one from Turok: The Dinosaur Hunter!" I clap my hands together giddily.

"...No." Patchouli decides.

"Be quiet and let her finish." Sakuya has had enough of my shit.

"Fi~ne…" I fold my arms.

"...I suggest we carve out the crevices and edges between the walls and ceiling, and from there we can flood in the room like that, and the rushing water will give Flandre nowhere to run. Brad will then run in and grab Flandre once she's sufficiently waterlogged to prevent her from drowning."

It would be me, but that's fine! That means I can hog some of the glory!

"...What room should we use?" Sakuya questions.

"Some generic fairy maid's room. She won't mind, I'm sure." Patchouli, that's something I'd say. Stop saying things I'd say.

Sakuya looks a little uneasy, actually. "...Should I relocate the furniture, or-"

"No, it needs to be realistic. We also need a distraction to get her in there; I'm thinking, again, a fairy maid." Patchouli nods.

"...I'm not necessarily sure if they deserve-"

"Hold on, hold on! You were just railing on them for being chucklefucks for like the last uhmpteen chapters- of your life, I mean!" I quickly bullshit the end of my sentence because goddammit Yukari. Also, they were kinda rebelling right now. If there was any time to disrespect them, it'd be now!

"Hmph…" Sakuya folds her arms, looking impatient.

Patchouli looks back and forth between us. "...I suppose things are settled, then."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====

Wow, Sakuya really did a number on the drywall. I stood in the room we were going to use, and on the bed was a sleeping fairy maid.

The reason why that's strange is because Sakuya's been drilling away at the edges of the room; the ones between the ceiling and the walls, for like, an hour now. I've been playing my 3DS in all this racket- and let me tell you, focusing is ironically difficult.

VRRRRRrrrrr… the noisy-ass saw finally stopped. Moments later, Sakuya time-skipped into the room, attire completely unchanged except for a pair of safety goggles she used as she worked.

I blink a bit and furrow my brows at her. "...Ya done waking up the dead? I'm pretty sure you revived all the fallen fairies with that racket."

How the hell did they even power the power tools?... Magic, I suppose. Stupid question.

...Would they be considered magic tools, then?

Sakuya's eyes shift towards the sleeping maid. "...Not that loud, apparently."

Yeah, I noticed her too. "For all we know, Flandre kyuu'd her freakin' consciousness, and now she's just like, blown away." Stay strong, vegetable fairy…!

"Or, she's just a heavy sleeper, as numerous fairies can be." she reasoned.

...Or that. "...In any case, do we know where Flandre even is?"

Patchouli chooses this moment to float in. "Yes; she'll be here in about two hours, if my path predictions are correct."

My jaw drops. "Two hours!?"

"...Yes." Patchouli sits down on the bed in the room, next to the freakin' comatose fairy. "It doesn't mean much to me. I've got things to read."

...I suppose I could play Smash for a few hours, but it seems fookin' stoopid to come to Gensokyo, the mystical land that I've strived to visit, only to play freakin' Smash Brothers. Alone, I mean. Playing it with Gensokyians is an experience in and of itself!

"...Are there any other problems going on in the mansion? Other than Colonel Flander's wild ride?" I really wanted something to do!

Patchouli looked up at me for a moment, pausing in thought. "...The fairies are still rebellious for the most part, for one thing. You probably haven't seen much of it, but the fairies who weren't immediately mauled by the little mistress, or those who were spared, are probably the most anti-establishment now than they have ever been in recent decades."

Hmm. "...So, beating the shit out of fairies?" I asked.

Patchouli nodded. "...You _could_ do that, but I don't think you could handle such livid numbers for long."

I probably couldn't! "...I've got ideas, though…"

Patchouli opens a book, and looks in it. "...You do that."

"...I'll be doing restoration procedures." Sakuya states before teleporting away.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====

I sit around a corner, a box with a stick holding it up on the other edge of the corner. I had a string on the stick, of course.

"...Yellow-chan, look!" came the excited voice of a fairy maid.

"Hold it, commander Seven-chan! That… that seems too convenient! It might be a trap!" God-fucking… Screw off, Yellow-chan! You suck! Graaah!

Seven-chan turned to her friend. "How do we know… it might not be a trap! You just don't want me to have fun, Yellow-chan! Besides, that dumb stupid vampire lady would never make something this mean!"

Yes...Ye~s!

"...I guess you're right, Seven-chan." Yellow-chan relented.

Seven-chan crawled under the box, and once inside, she examined the piece of cardboard I had laid in it that said "CANDY".

I pulled the stick. Thunk!

"...W-what… No~!" Seven-chan wailed, realizing she got captured.

"Commander!" Yellow-chan put her hands on the box. "No~! They got you! No, no no!"

Yellow-chan frantically thrashed her hands against the box, while Seven-chan started screaming. Other fairy maids then ran up to the box, and began striking it with sticks and brooms and buckets.

"Help-stop-ouch! No~!"

...I looked around the corner.

...Holy shit. There was like, a fairy battalion around that corner!

...and I held them up with a cardboard box. Hmm.

"I got the new, fun weapon!" wailed a fairy maid who was charging through the ranks.

"Watch where you're going, you big palooka!"

"Ganpeki-chan, you fucking brute!"

"Kyaaah!"

Fairies cried out in protest as a tall, earth-green-haired fairy maid barreled through them. She held a large, red, mechanical weapon, completely unfitting in comparison to the brooms and mops her companions were armed with.

"It's my way or… hell, it's my way!"

Ganpeki aimed her… giant screaming metal deathtrap at the cardboard box.

"Multiple fire rocket launcher! Eat shit, and die!"

Fwoosh! Four glowing rockets flew from the four open holes on the top of the device.

Holy shit, it was a quadruple rocket launcher.

KABOOM!

The box was no more.

"...That damn box ate Seven-chan…" Yellow-chan solemnly kneeled. "...Damn it…"

Yeah, uh, 'bout that… I think she woulda been fine if she wasn't freakin' blown to smithereens. The rockets seem to have been danmaku, but it was strong enough to vaporize people, so uhhh…

In any case, the resulting bullet barrages from the blasts were non-lethal danmaku, so there's that!

"That vampire's going to _pay_ for messing up _my_ vacation." Ganpeki scornfully glared at the charred mark where the box used to be.

The fact she sounds so much like Duke Nukem scares me. In any case, I began running down the hall, away from the maids. No need to stick around in that mess! I coulda taken a small fleet of fairies with pots and pans, sure, but there's no way you're gonna get me to fight Fairy Nukem without some serious support. I mean, quad rockets! Quad rockets…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====

I slammed open the door to that one generic room, and Patchouli jumped.

"M-mukyuu~!" she yelped.

I put a finger up as I marched in. "Alright, two things."

Patchouli blinked, and began glaring at me… "What?"

"First: that was adorable."

She blinked again, not expecting that. "...Impulsive child."

"Second: the fairies have some scary new shit."

...Patchouli tilted her head. "Did you just describe the fairies as scary?"

I nod. "Well, most of them just had pots and pans and stuff. Nothing to write home about, but this one- this one-"

"Let me guess, she had a spatula, or something? Was she really good with it?" Patchouli, please…!

I roll my eyes. "No, she had a quadruple firing lethal danmaku rocket launcher, complete with magic rockets and spread capabilities."

…

"...What."

I throw my arms up. "That's what I was like!"

"...How?"

I shrug. "That's what I wanna know too!"

"...Why?"

I just fold my arms and stare at her.

...Patchouli sighed. "In any case, that's going to be a problem you can take care of. We still only have an hour and thirty before we pacify Flandre. Did you figure anything else out?"

I nod. "They wanna fuck Flandre's shit up, and apparently miss rockets-up-the-ass is one of their key players."

Patchouli winces a little. "...That might end destructively."

Sakuya appears, too! "Hour and thirty remaining. Just stopping by."

I turn to her. "Sakuya, did you ever arm your maids with quadruple firing lethal danmaku rocket launchers?"

"...Quadruple whats, now?" Sakuya looks confused.

"Giant cannons of mass destruction." Patchouli summarized.

"...No?" Sakuya was still confused.

I shake my head. "Look, yo, I need backup here, I can't take rockets to the face on my own, I'm not Duke Nukem, nor do I have the right body armor for that kind of thing." Give me 100 armor points though, and I could probably step on a few rockets and still have everything above my pelvis!

"...This all probably could have been prevented had you not gotten the little mistress involved." Sakuya sighed, teleporting off to find reinforcements.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====

We have our heroes…!

Sakuya went out and spent literally like one minute time-skipping some fairy friends to our position.

"Why am I here?" Komi's arms were folded. "I quit!"

"Maybe we're the guests of honor!" Koi guessed.

"...M-maybe we're being enslaved…!" Namori slowly terrified herself. Good job.

And finally…

"...I found her passed out in the Hakurei Shrine." Sakuya elaborated.

Ha-chan was lying passed out on the floor, drunk off her ass. Her breath was like, alcohol incarnate.

"...Hwaa~h…" she moaned from the floor, a happy, dazed expression locked on her face.

"...Well, we found our cannon fodder." I grinned.

"I tried to find the special forces, but they seem absent for whatever reason. They weren't in any of the agreed revival meeting places, so things are problematic… In any case, I have to work more on the restoration before Remilia returns." With that, Sakuya was off.

"...What are we even doing here!?" Komi snapped.

I walked across them in a line, and gave each one of them frying pans, and pots to wear as head gear. "Alright… Attention!" I shot my hand to my head.

Namori saluted, Koi blinked at me, and Komi's arms were still folded. Ha-chan was too drunk to register that reality existed.

"...Tough crowd." My grin became a bit sheepish.

"...So, friends!" I began. "We gotta fuck the shit up of some enemies! Flandre recently went beserk and is roaming the halls as we speak- but!" I put a finger up as protest almost happened. "...We will not be dealing with Flandre, we have a different team to do that."

"...Good. I'm not doing any stupid suicide missions." Komi nodded.

"...Instead, we will be fighting an army of the mansion's surviving fairies who are staging a rebellion. Including an elite army of badass cyborgs. Also, probably gonna have to smack Flandre if she does come at us."

Instant horror on everyone's faces. Except for Ha-chan. She was hammered.

"...What if we feel like joining the rebellion?" Komi smirked.

"Then you'll probably be the first four I kill before the rest mow me down." I bluntly state. "Or~, we could just team up and all live."

"...He-he has a point." Namori was on my side.

"...I dunno, what really is in it for us?" Koi questions.

"...Friends. Food. Glory… Fortune and glory!" I pull out Swift Brand and aim it at the ceiling. "We'll be living legends! The mythic army who descended upon our foes!"

...That, or we'll be fucking dead!

"... So we're just facing the dumbbells, then? This shouldn't be too hard." Komi began doing some stretches.

Koi yawned. "Well, it's better than fighting to keep our tents safe from the wild youkai. They like to chew the fabric, thinking we're human campers. It's stupid."

Namori looked apprehensive. "I-it's scary~! What if they decide to eat us one of these nights…?"

Komi rolled her eyes and turned to Namori. "...We _respawn_ you stupid-!"

I hold out my arms. "Fellas! Ladies! Gentleman! Gentle… fae?" I got their attention.

I turned to Patchouli. "Got a whit- I mean, chalkboard, yo?" No whiteboards in ye olden times, yo.

"...I know what a whiteboard is. Do I look like I have one on me?" Patchouli was still on the bed calmly reading a book.

I nod. "You keep it under those robes, obviously."

"...I won't even dignify that with a response."

Damn. And here I was hoping she'd take off her robes… not that it'd be possible to stash a huge chalkboard in them. Or maybe it could be, with magic. Freakin'...

"Alright, I'll just demonstrate with my hands!" I extend my two arms, clamping my two hands closed.

"This is the A team, us, yo." I opened and closed my right hand rapidly. "This is the huge ass army of mean people." I forcefully rip the hand open and slam it shut repeatedly. "And this, is our game plan!" I then crash the two hands together and flail wildly.

"...Please, don't. Your death would make this harder to explain." Patchouli added from the bed.

"That wasn't even a plan." Komi added. "That was flailing wildly. It really was."

"Hic!" Ha-chan hiccupped from the floor.

"...Alright, new plan." As tempting as it was to propose a dinosaur laser party, I think I'd be dismissed as commander if I did that. "We're gonna…"

Hmm. Tactics are crucial, yo…

I turn to Patchouli. "Yo, you ever listen to Sabaton? The metal band?"

She shakes her head. "No. I don't often find time for music."

...Shit. I was kinda counting on that coincidence to be a thing. My luck rolls have to work some day…! Also, no time for music? I suppose I didn't have time for it these days, either, but yo ho ho…!

"Alright guys…" Time to introduce to them the art of war! "We will win but… fight very lazily!" Kinda late for 'no fighting', but y'know.

"That sounds right up my alley!" Koi agrees, nodding happily.

"We'll make them pursue us! We'll feign retreat! Coup de gras, and all that shit!" Or something! That was the idea, anyway!

Koi tilts her head. "...You lost me."

Freakin'... "You're lost, yo." I shake my head disapprovingly.

"I know." She nods, solemnly staring into the distance.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====

We stand in the front lobby to the manor, satisfied. Well, I was satisfied.

"This is gonna be great!" Koi was satisfied.

"You guys are fucking retarded." Komi wasn't satisfied.

Namori had tears in the corners of her eyes. "...I-I'm going to die…" Namori, you respawn, shut up… I mean, Namori also wasn't satisfied.

The hallway that I'm _pretty_ sure was where the enemy was gonna come from had one of those big logs on ropes aimed for the door. Hyonk!

Near our designated doorway, we had pillboxes and some magical turret things Patchouli set up for us. They fired like, one magical bolt every five seconds, and she obviously made them on the spot. They were stationed on the pillboxes, so the fairies would have to give them hell to actually get anywhere.

...We thought about magical landmines, but um…

I glanced at Namori's legs- which we had replaced with broomsticks. We had to tie them to the stumps where her legs were; and let me tell you, completely bloodless open wounds are surprisingly creepy! That's probably a good part of why she was so terrified.

Anyway, yeah! This battlefield was chosen _tactically_ in advance!

I stood with my arms on my hips. "It's a bomb run kinda day, friends. We're gonna blow 'em the fuck up!"

Koi rose her arm. "Woo~...!"

Komi made for one of the pillboxes. "I'll just be somewhere where I won't be in immediate danger."

Namori slowly lugged her new prosthetic legs towards one of the pillboxes. "O-ouuch…"

Koi stood in front. "I'll face them head-on!... until there's a lot of them! Then I won't face them head-on!"

I pull out Quake Bloomer. "I am Turok, son of stone."

"At least _act_ like a commander." Komi jabs from inside the little pillbox thing.

...Speaking of, why're they called pillboxes? They're more like mini stone fort things. Hmm. Words are weird.

Now… those bastards had to arrive at some point…

Snap! A trigger for the log trap went off, and it went off automatically; the fairies had stomped on the rope we laid out!

The log swung down, and barreled straight through a doorway separating the lobby and the hallway they'd be approaching from.

Bam!

"Kyaaa~h!" A murmur of squeals came from the hallway. When the log came back, some dazed and battered maids were hugging it, various armor bits smashed. They seemed generally better armored now; their weapons were still pots brooms, but they had cookie sheets and things for armor now. Hnnngh.

"Deploy the decoys!" I ordered.

Some scarecrows with crowbars wedged in their backs stood up, each one labeled with signs in crudely drawn crayon reading "FLANDR SCARELATE", among other variants.

The opposition poured into the room, and some generic danmaku flew. It was kinda a mess of colors in places, but a lot of them seemed surprisingly comfortable with just going melee-only for whatever reason. Probably to cut down on friendly fire induced casualties.

"London!" I can't remember if London was even revived or not, but seeing this angry mass of fairies reminds me it exists.

The battle-ready doll whirls in from parts unknown, as usual, its lance at the ready.

I eye the crowd, and see no fairies of particular importance, just lots of mooks. A few charged the decoys, and others charged the pillboxes, the magic turrets doing jackshit to dissuade them.

I put away Quake Bloomer because that was not infact the adequate option to use to deal with crowds. I pulled out Flame Dispenser, and took aim.

Fwoom…

A flow of waves washed into the crowd, their cookie sheets doing nothing to save their frilly maid dresses from the licks of flames, and soon some remote fires start in their crowds. They're somehow smart enough to avoid their flaming comrades in certain places, though in others they're trying to comfort their burning comrades, ignoring the fact fire spreads until it's too late.

I'm forced to fall back because fire, and I switch Flame Dispenser out for Swift Brand as I fall back behind our defense line.

Fwi-Choom! Namori's pale blue laser cut into the immediate crowd and nothing more, but it was doing some good work.

Fwew, fwew, fwew…

Komi's orbiting orbs kinda just ended up getting consumed by the crowd.

"Holy shit, there's a fire starting! Fire, fire!" Koi yelled, backing away a bit. Her bullets were probably the most handy crowd control, their area affecting blasts discouraging fairy approach.

Fwooosh! Fwooosh! Fwooosh!

Only a few moments in, and I'm already casting wind blasts to push back hordes of angry, somewhat charred maids! The fires still raged in various portions of the crowd, and the maids began flying, bombarding the magic turrets above.

sshhhhiiiIII-Boom!

One of the magical turrets exploded into danmaku, nailing a couple fairies, but not really making a difference. Dammit, Patchouli! You and your cheap discount spells…!

The pillboxes were getting smacked by a variety of pots and pans and other assorted housekeeping instruments. It's a good thing we actually made them out of rocks and concrete… well, I say 'made', but it's more like we _found_ them… They were supposed to be garden antiques of some sort, but y'know… I don't think anyone'd miss some fancy stone house things, anyway.

"Holy shit!" Komi yelled, her pillbox entirely covered in foes, with enemies entering through the backdoor and through the little window things.

I pull out Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, with my off hand. "Grenade!"

I lob it into the crowd!

…

Boom!

A variety of armor and tools flew from the blast, the fairies caught in it destroyed. The blast was of minimal effect, but the fairies decided attacking the hanger was a good idea.

Boom!

Boom!

I aim at the incoming fairies again. Fwooosh!

Komi's pillbox is actually falling apart. "Holy fucking shit! Get me out of here!" She was banging away a few maids with her frying pan, but numerous ones clung to her legs, forcing her to fall over. "I need some help here!"

I run up and clock one maid in the head, freakin' knocking her out, just because I can.

...only to find out I couldn't keep doing that, because now they were all focused on me!

Boom!

Oh, shit! I flailed wildly with Swift Brand, the wind disorienting the charging fairies as I fall back and Koi takes my place, sending in some exploding bullets.

Choom! Choom!

Komi ran through the remnants of the blasts, her captors faltering in the light of the explosions.

Boom! Does nobody learn!?

Namori's pillbox doesn't look that much better, but she's not really calling out for help, leading me to wonder if they killed her already.

I take a moment to wonder what the hell happened to the decoys, and I figure by now they all lit up ablaze due to my fire idea. Whoops.

Speaking of, the fires were kinda dying down, which was bad, because the fairies were starting to _really_ get brave now.

I pull out Deep Blue, "Prepare for a naval war!" and slam it against the floor.

Fwuuush! A small geyser displaced the fairies around Namori's pillbox, and I charge inside.

Fwi-Choom!

I dodged a pale blue laser, as a rather stoic Namori stared past me.

"G-gck-g-haahh…" I heard the throaty gasps of a fairy maid behind me, whose neck was clipped by the laser.

Pi~chun!

I ducked as Namori dispensed accurate laser shots left and right, although even those seemed to not be enough.

Boom! A portion of the pillbox was blown in!

"What the fuck!?" I shout, backing against the opposite wall.

None other than motherfucking Yellow-chan leaped through the wall, Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber in one hand, her fierce eyes tearing. "T-this is for Seven-cha~n!"

I hold up Deep Blue, and Yellow-chan charges me with the exploding hanger.

Boom!

I wince as the blast blows me back against the wall… which wasn't a far distance to begin with.

Yellow-chan staggers back into a standing position from the floor, now openly crying.

Fwi-choom-

Boom!

The pale blue laser was… blocked, I suppose- by the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber. Lethargically, Yellow-chan rose up again.

"I-I… can't die…"

I aim Deep Blue at her. "...We'll meet at Midway, fairy girl."

She glares at me.

"...Fai~ry wa~r!" I wail, as I purposefully clash Deep Blue against the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber.

Boom!

Pi~chun!

Yellow-chan was no more, the hanger-

Boom!

...falling to the floor. A few other maids died trying to edge in past her for awhile there, but now there wasn't much stopping them-

Fwi-choom!

-except for Namori!

Choom! Choom!

A few exploding bullets opened the way for Namori and me, and I took the chance, dashing out… which was kinda a mistake, because they all filed in around me.

Namori stayed inside the slowly crumbling pillbox, as fairies slowly whacked it apart with their assorted kitchen utensils.

"They call this one the freakin' gushing gazerker, yo." I announce, hitting the floor with Deep Blue again.

Fwuuush!

I sent myself flying with one of my own geysers.

...I say flying, but I kinda just flung myself into more fairies.

"Kyaa~h!" wailed the nearby fairies. I landed on some random freakin' noob!

"G-get off me…!" the brown-haired fairy whacked my thigh with a ladle.

I lift her up, and latch a hand firmly on her breast. "Look at this, everyone! I am a fairy molester! Predator to fairies everywhere, and undefeatable by any number!"

...They weren't as stupid as I expected, and began rushing me.

"Oh, shit!" I use the generic brown-haired mook as a meatshield for one side, and undo the valve on Deep Blue, letting it gush everywhere as a messy deterrent.

Boom! That fucking bomb hanger was at it again…

I felt some pans and things clash against my limbs, which freakin' hurt! "Oof- ugh, aagh! Stop that, you shitty- ouch!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====

Meiling ran back towards the mansion, this alarming new development prompting her to seek reinforcements from inside.

She slammed open the doors, ready to call out for immediate fairy assistance, but-

Boom!

Pi~chun-Pi~chun-Pi-Pi-Pi~chun!

Choom! Choom!

Boom!

Fwi-choom!

B-Boom!

"...What the hell's going on!?" Meiling roared, and immediately all went calm.

I stared at Meiling, grateful for the respite. And then the pans started again, and some maids rushed Meiling!

Meiling let some pans hit her, unflinching the entire time. Then she acted, punching forward, easily knocking a single fairy back into her friends, killing at least five in the process. Despite this display of power, the fairies continued their assault, so she punched a bit more until all the fairies immediately in front of her were dead.

The action slowed to a halt again, the fairies now aware that Meiling's not to be trifled with- even if they have combined fighting spirit, they do not have the proper college degree in fighting to consider this life goal.

"...You done yet?" Meiling held out her arms in a 'you're fucking dead, kiddo' stance.

The fairies seemed mixed about that thought- at least, until…

"Who the hell told you to stop, assholes!?"

Ganpeki flew above the stagnant fairy maid horde, both her arms on the quadruple firing rocket launcher. "We've got to keep this world of hurt _moving_!"

Meiling started walking towards her slowly. "Not on my watch, you're not."

Fairies moved to intervene, only to get swatted aside absentmindedly by Meiling.

Ganpeki gave a slasher smile. "Oh, yeah? You're about to bite off more than you can chew, you narcoleptic douchebag!"

The fairies who weren't immediately near Meiling gave somewhat half-hearted cheers. C'mon, put some effort into it…!

"...C'mon, that was a good one! You're all a bunch of pussies!" Ganpeki sneered at the crowd.

Meiling's arms did some kinda martial-arts flowy motion, and she calmly stared at Ganpeki. I don't freakin' know martial arts!

"Fight me."

Ganpeki's pupils contracted. "Gladly…!"

She aimed her huge quadruple firing rocket launcher at Meiling.

Fwoosh!

Meiling began by running towards the rockets, leaping and running atop the heads of unsuspecting fairies who had just been in the way. She did a forward somersault over one of the rockets, and the other four weren't immediately in a collision course with her, so she didn't really need to worry about them.

KABOOM

The door and a bit of the wall to the right of it were heavily scorched and battered by the blasts.

Fwoosh!

Meiling proceeded to do another somersault, grabbing the scalps of two fairy maids as she did so.

Rrr~ip!

"Oaauuugh!" wailed one cream-haired maid whose hair was accidently ripped out instead of tugging her along with it.

Working with what she could get, Meiling twirled the pink-haired maid she had grabbed, and tossed it into the rockets.

KABOOM

Well, I don't think she was going to be filing worker's compensation any time soon!

The fairies that were previously attacking me were now just kinda watching the fight, idly whispering to themselves a bit. None of them dared make a move on Meiling after what she just did, at this point. You see, there's strong, there's army strong, and then there's Meiling strong. You don't fuck with Meiling strong.

Fwoosh!

She had to run out of rockets at some point, unless they were generated by mana, too. Fairies typically had a lot of mana, so this battle could be a complete stalemate for hours unless one of them acts like a total dumbass and gets pounded by the other at full force, and even then Meiling'd have the advantage with her sheer health pool, I'd hazard. I don't care how much of a rebel Ganpeki is, she's just a fairy; she can't tank whirlwind punches to the face.

KABOOM

Meiling had thrown another fairy into the salvo, and the rockets blew each other up at once again. The thing'd be more effective if they were spread out or fired on a delay or something…

Fwoosh!

And while what Meiling was doing was awesome, she didn't seem to be making any progress. She'd approach Ganpeki, shut down her rockets, and then she'd just float away, and Meiling couldn't quite afford to go arial without a way to deflect the rockets… that, or she had respect for the new chandelier she installed just the other day.

KABOOM

I start to edge past some fairies, who idly give me a smack or two as I move past them, but it's whatever. If they're passive enough to let me just edge by them, that's good enough for me.

Some frik tried to smack me in the face and I grab the pot she was using.

"No! This is mine now!" I yell, yanking it.

"H-hey! That's mine! Many are like it, but that one's mine!" Yet another yellow haired fairy glared at me.

I jab her in the ribs, and she relents, and I take it. "Fuck you."

She tries to go for it again, and I jab it into her face, sending her reeling.

"Faah! I fink yoo kno'd ouh my uooth!" She rose her hand to her mouth, backing away.

Fwoosh!

Meiling ran on the fairies in front of me. Freakin' idlers, yo.

KABOOM

Ganpeki moved over Meiling, laughing.

"You can't keep it up forever, can you, China girl? You know what they say- what's made in China, _stays_ in China!"

...They said that? I know the saying, but I think a pun about her being made in China woulda been better. Then again, that's something _I'd_ do.

"...Nothing!? C'mon, that one was great! I actually thought about that one!" Ganpeki irately shouted to her armada, who just didn't emote to it at all.

Fwoosh!

Ganpeki was darting her head around, glaring at her underlings.

I calmly moved near her through the fairy friks, clutching the pan tightly.

"...Oooh, ooh, I got a good one!" Ganpeki started. Meiling looked freakin' pissed- from what I could see of her, anyway.

"...What do you call a chinese girl… with a… hmm…" Ganpeki's expression fell as she decided to put in thought. "...Damn it."

KABOOM

I closed in on her, and rose my hand to the side of my mouth.

"Hey, admiral asshole!"

Ganpeki blinked. "That boy…"

She looked down at me. "...Hah! It's you! You're so fucked now! Die!"

She aimed the quad rocket launcher at me, and I tossed the pan forward.

"Useless!"

Fwo-BOOM!

The rockets hit the pan the moment they left the barrel, causing the explosion to send Ganpeki flying.

"Shit!" She twirled away, loosely gripping the huge rocket launcher.

Suddenly…

Pi~chun!

Meiling literally shattered her body with a flying kick that had totally destroyed her. De~struction!

"...Anyone else feeling antsy?" Meiling rotated in the air, glaring down at all the fairies.

"N-no…"

"Sorry…"

"Don't hurt me!"

The fairies seemed to be done with their rebellion now.

"Get back to work!" Meiling roared, eyes flashing.

I had to cover my ears from the resulting squeal.

"Kyaa~h!"

...Pain.

Like lightning, they had dispersed, flowing back into the halls like water.

...Well, all's well that ends well!

...Meiling floated down to the floor, and slouched, staring at the floor. "...Of all the rotten luck…"

I walk up to her, doing a casual strut. "Hello, friend."

She glanced up at me. "...Explain. Now."

Eheh…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====

END OF CHAPTER 19

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes due to an upgrade. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. After an enchanted sunflower was tacked on, it gained the ability to allow casting of Gaia Seed.

INVENTORY:

Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Dispenser - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Upgraded to have a nozzle with which the weapon can be utilized as a flame thrower with.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Due to a dark amulet upgrade, it may be used to cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. Has a very situational instant-death dealing condition that, let's be honest, I probably couldn't fulfil; it's just there for world building. Help no.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Marks the wielder for death, dropping instant death resistance to zero and forces them to take 25% increased damage from all sources, but Flandre wasn't aware of the negatives when she created it. Different from the dark-elemental hanger in that this converts missing health into pure speed and none into power, and the increased damage isn't as punishing.

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors.

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

hello pals

in any case, this chapter was a fun one to write; the process began as "well what if this happened" and then I just kinda segued it into the actually relevant things happening. good stuff

...that's how a lot of my plotlines go, actually, just a whole lot of "y'know wouldn't that be funny/cool" and it happens to work with proper implementation

let me tell you: more than a few times i have almost jumped the shark but my proof reader keeps me on the straight and narrow with that stuff, yo; it always helps to have a proof reader who does more than just check your errors (but bloody hell there's always a lot of them).

while i'm in the neighborhood, i dunno if i've mentioned it before, but that one reviewer is indeed correct! i've put in numerous epic battle fantasy 4 references because it was fun.

as always, see you all next time!

p.s. just realized some comments that my proofreader made that i didn't resolve are LEFT IN THE FINAL BUILD OH GOD WHY

(on one of the earlier chapters where I made that whole "the reimu intensified" joke, the suggestion "THE REIMU OF ALL REIMUS" stayed. so just uh… EXCUSE THOSE.)


	22. Vineventures! Staring vines!

(in which we get freakin' mauled)

I look around to my left and right a bit. "So, yeah, that's basically what happened."

Meiling blinked. "...You didn't say anything, though. I just asked you to explain things to me."

...Dammit, Yukari. I thought chapter changes were the perfect time to just omit information for the sake of the scene change!

A pan falls from the sky on my head, and I move to shield it. "Fucking, aagh!" My knuckles! They hur~t!

"...I don't have time for this…" Meiling scoffs.

I roll my eyes. "Jeez, I thought you were a bit more lax than this…"

She grabs me by the shoulders. "Ugh- look… Things are getting bad out there, we need to assemble backup. Something!" She starts shaking me!

"H-h-he-e-e-y-y-y-" I stutter out. Ho~ly shit this feels weird! Meiling, you and your freakin' immense strength stat…

She stops shaking me. "...Sorry."

I blink a bit. "That's uh… okay."

…

She lets go of me and I just collapse to the floor. Meiling raises her hands to call for the chief, "Sakuya! Sakuya~!"

I raise my hand from the floor. "S-she's busy, yo…"

Meiling stares down at me, unamused. "...Sakuya~!"

"No, like, legit. Flandre issues." I explain.

"... _Seriously_? Now, of all the times…?" Meiling looks tired. "...The special forces fairies?"

I give a lopsided grin. "Guess who Ganpeki was. You know, that green-haired bitch?" Earth green to be specific, but no need to be a smartass!

"...Oh, damn. Which of the four was she?" Meiling sighed, shaking her head.

...Well, with how unruly she was, I think it'd be obvious… "The bulldozer, I take it."

Meiling jerked her head back. " _Her_?...That... makes sense, actually. Hmph…"

…

Komi and Koi stumble in from the hallway door we were guarding. Komi rubs her head. "Did… did we get them?"

Slowly raising from the floor, I shake my head. "No, we got fookin' bamboozled. We've been sentenced to an eternity of community snugglefesting."

Komi throws her head back. "Nooo~!"

Koi blinks. "...That doesn't sound so bad, actually."

I look to London, who I had neglected to actually order at all, so she ended up sitting in place and kicking the ass of everything that dared assault her stationary position the whole battle. A pile of fallen utensils and kitchen armors lied under her, a testament to the slaughter she wrought upon fairy kind this day.

"...Well, she's effective, apparently." If only I was effective!

I walk up to Namori's pillbox… or what was left of it. "...This place got freakin' _leveled_."

Koi walked up to it. "...This is why I didn't take a fort thing!"

I dug through the rocks a bit, and found the two disembodied broom legs of Namori, who I now assume died in service. I lower Remilia's mob cap to my chest in acknowledgement. "Sleep well, soldier."

...Komi tapped on my shoulder. "We respawn, idiot."

Freakin'...! "Can you not let me have one moment of psuedo-sentimentality!?"

"No!" Komi stomps the floor. "What about that fortune and glory you promised us!?"

Koi blushed. "...We~ll, I'd gladly take an alternate-"

"Those thoughts aren't welcomed here!" Komi barked at her.

I hear unpleasant, writhing noises come from the front door.

"...Let me guess…" I begin.

Meiling gets into a ready position.

"...The vines have spread all the way to the manor, and Remilia managed to not guard the gate with you, somehow." I take an educated guess…

"You hit the nail on the head, kid." Meiling replied solemnly, gaze locked on the door.

Bam! A vine shot from the floor!

Bam, bam! Oh, shit!

"...There'll be even more fortune and glory for us if we fuck those vines up!... which we can't do, so let's advance in the opposite direction!" I aim Deep Blue to the sky heroically, and charge away from the vines.

"The boy's right; those toxic properties are too big of a problem for me, and surely too big of a problem for you three. We need to get the hell out of here- _now_." Meiling emphasized.

"No objections there!" Komi leaped at Meiling, who caught her in her arms. "Get me out of here!"

Koi put a finger to her lips. "...You know, I always wanted to try-"

Meiling shook her head. "No, they're killer vines, not… those kind."

Koi flew up to me and tried to leap into my arms, but since I wasn't expecting it we both just skid to the floor.

"Ahuhu~!" Koi giggles. "Sorry…"

As comfy as it was having Koi sit on my lap, we needed to get goin'! I tried actually lifting her to various success; she's light because she's a fairy, but on the other hand, my arm strength was always piss-poor when it came to carrying large objects!

"Hold on…" I prop her upright and put away Deep Blue, and took out the Escape Plan. Again, thank you Flandre, you life saver, you.

I pick her up again. "There we are!"

Bam, bam bam! Vines start erupting from the floor!

I see Meiling take off into the halls and I follow her, able to somewhat keep up because of the damage-to-speed ratio.

…

We've probably vastly outrun the vines by now, but uh…

…

"Hey, Meiling!" I shout to her before she gets a little too far.

She looks back and slows down a bit. "Yeah, what!?"

"I think we should go find the others instead of run around aimlessly in the halls!" ...Although I had nothing against running around aimlessly in the halls.

"What do you think I'm trying to do!?" Meiling yelled back in response.

"But you don't understand, yo! I know where they-"

"Then stop following me!" Meiling cut me off and dashed off at full speed again, easily eluding me around some sharp turns that I dared not take with my speed. I was not good martial arts man!

"...Have fun with that!" I tell no one in particular- except for Koi. It's kinda hard to forget about something you're actively carrying…!

"...We could have fun-"

Koi, please…! "Time is of the essence, you cuddly fuck!" I begin dashing towards where Patchy should be…

Her eyes light up towards the end of my sentence. "Ooh~! Great idea!"

This is gonna be a struggle the whole way, won't it?

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====

"...And that's how I fit a whole rolling pin up my-"

For fuck's sake… "No, yo! I don't need to look at a rolling pin and think back to this conversation just to get the fridge logic of 'how the hell does someone fit this up their arse'!"

Koi pouts. "Well, you didn't need to be _rude_ about it…"

I nod. "Yes, I did. Fock you."

In any case, we reached that room where we were supposed to slam Flandre with a tsunami! Just before we enter the door, Koi puts a hand to the wall to stop me.

Koi glared at me. "Well, I never! What if I don't want to have sex with you now?"

I grin. "Good. Don't."

"...Why are you so against it?" Koi brings a hand to my chin. "Are you a _virgin_?"

I nod. "Yes. Yes I am, though my mind would beg to differ." Internet porn, yo. It does things to ya! "...Although, I have one- no, _several_ big reasons as to why I don't want to have kinky spontaneous sexual intercourse with you."

She raises an eyebrow. "Try me~..."

"This fic is rated T, the scene would be awkward as shit for the readers, and finally, time is actually an important factor right now!" I bluntly provide.

...Koi nods, apparently satisfied. "...Huh. Well, okay, I guess."

Glad we could work that out!

…

A gap opens up, and a gloved hand with a pink potion shoots out.

"Wha-"

Koi's forced to guzzle it, the hand forcibly shoving it into her mouth.

Gulp…Gulp...Gulp...Gulp…

The hand retracts into the gap, ripping the bottle from Koi's mouth. "...Hwaa~h…" ...That reminds me, did we just leave a comatose Ha-chan to the mercy of vines? Indeed we did!... She'll get better.

Koi then tries to glomp me, and I respond by dropping her to the floor.

I clamber into the room, Koi latching onto my ankle and forcing me to drag her along.

Patchouli sees me stagger in with a fairy on my ankle. "...Had fun, I take it?"

I shake my head. "The exact opposite. I was the _ruiner_ of fun."

Patchouli rolls her eyes. "Aah, I see, I see…" and looks back down into her book. "Regardless, you're fashionably early by a few minutes, at the least."

...Oh, yeah. I had to pry Flandre from the tsunami room once she was properly tsunami-ified. That was gonna be a bitch, wasn't it?

Koi slowly works her way up my ankle. "...C-c'mon…"

I shake my ankle. "Yo, no! Patchy, help!"

Patchouli blinks. "...I don't remember giving you the right to call me a nickname."

I put my hands on my head. "Holy shieut, now's not the time to be moody, you fluffy frik!"

"...I suppose you don't need any help, then." Patchouli smiles and looks back into her book.

I fold my arms, and sit down on a generic Scarlet chair next to the room's vanity. "That's it, yo. I resign to my fate."

Koi stands up and tries to leap at me, and I hold my hand out to stop her head and push her away. "No death by snu-snu, though! Calm your hormones!"

She blinks in a confused manner. "...Death by wha~?"

"You don't need to know." I raise a foot to push her away as she crawls nearer.

Patchouli floats up from her spot on the bed. "It's showtime."

Koi glows lightly as she's levitated out of the room. "W-what!? No! I want him!"

"I have a succubus who'll do it for free." Patchouli provided.

"I-I… what the hell's a succubus doing this far north?" Koi stops to question.

"Familiar." Patchouli explains.

"Ah."

The door clicks, and the two have left the room.

…

Patchouli opens the door. "Sit in the dresser or something. Don't hide under the bed like last time; you'll drown." Click.

Well, thanks, I guess.

I climb into the dresser, pushing the identical maid outfits aside. Would it kill Remilia to dye a few?... Ooh, dude, what if you could customize your maid outfit? That'd be sick, yo! Add resistances, and-

Slam! The door opened.

"Huhahahaha~..." Flandre shambled into the room, a few kitchen utensils embedded in her outfit. Her glare turned to the fairy who was still freakin' zonked on the bed.

Water began trickling in from the edges of the room, but Flandre's eyes were locked on the fairy. Suddenly, she turned to the vanity.

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall…"

Water was flowing at a more steady pace, the walls now seemingly still from afar as the glassy, smooth water flowed down, only shattering as it hit the floor, splashing. The water slowly grew louder as it picked up.

"There's… a _bookworm_ … in the hall…" Oh, shit. She knew.

Flandre slowly floated into the air, avoiding the water as it pooled at her feet. She _knew_!

She ripped a fork from her dress, and chucked it at the sleeping fairy maid.

Pi~chun!

"...but not for lo~ng!"

Flandre turns to the door, still avoiding the water. The water's noise had risen to a roar.

I leaped from the dresser, and ripped the valve for Deep Blue to full blast, chucking it at Flandre.

She whirls from the door. "Oh~? Do you-..."

She pauses as she sees the plant hanger through the air, the powerful water flower sending it rocketing around like a bad Garry's Mod prop.

She raises her hand to try and 'kyuu' it, but it's freakin' fast!

BLAM

The bedpost exploded!

Thunk! Deep Blue smacked her in the head, water gushing over her.

"Kyaaa~h!" Flandre dove back and landed in the ankle-deep water. "A-aaa~h!" She began thrashing around, and as she slowed, I ran up to her and lifted her from the water.

"Alright, yo, it's okay! It's okay!" I hug her, and she- ouch! Oh, fuck me! Shit!

I run up to the door and kick on it. "Open the goddamn door!"

The door flings open, the water flows out. I dash forward, an angry Flandre flailing in my arms. I feel Koi latch to my back as I run out. "Jesus, fuck!"

Patchouli blinks, floating as to keep herself from the tides. Her hands cease glowing, which I assume is her ceasing to power the spell keeping the water flowing. "...You're quite popular with the ladies, I see."

"Nyah, shut up…" I glare at her, my arms getting scratched lightly by Flandre's now non-clawlike nails.

"...I missed you~..." Koi coos into my ear.

I toss Flandre at Patchouli, and they both collapse to the floor.

"I'm gonna go take a nap." I decide, marching off.

"H-help…!" Patchouli crawls in the water, Flandre cautiously sitting atop her with her legs all balled up, staring at the water. She seems calmed enough…

I wave at her. "Have fun in the tub, Patchy!" I'd normally be more receptive, but the circumstance hasn't given me many reasons to be positive or cooperative!

…Oh, yeah, that vine thing…

Sakuya pops in from time land! "...What happened?"

I give a lopsided grin again. "Well, I was takin' route sixty-seven off the freeway, and wouldn't'cha know it, I saw the strangest thing!" I pointed my thumb at the fairy maid on my back.

"...Sure." Sakuya sighed. "And about that?"

She pointed to Patchouli, who was currently writhing on the floor in her soggy pajamas. "C-cold…" She began coughing.

...I wave my hand. "Aah… nothing a home owner's insurance policy can't take care of."

Flandre blinked, shivering. "...W-wet…"

Do we need a bonfire or somethin'?...Actually…

I run back into the room. "Hold that thought!"

I pull out a table. "Hey, check it." I take out Flame Dispenser and tap the table with it, and it bursts into flames. "Hehey!"

I walk up to Patchy and carefully push her near the fire, Flandre struggling to keep balanced on her back.

"O-ouch!" Patchouli squeaked.

I then grabbed Flandre. I couldn't set her on the soggy floor, so… holy shit, where are paper towels when you need 'em!?

"Alright. Koi, get off my back and you'll get a ball of love."

"Eeee~!" Koi squeed, hopping off my back and clapping her hands together.

"Close your eyes and hold out your hands." I asked of her.

She did as instructed, and I planted Flandre in her hands. I then tapped her on the shoulder. "Don't drop her, don't molest her, and don't let her do any of the above to you." I instructed Koi.

She opened her eyes. "W-what?... No fair!"

"Yes fair." I nod, walking towards Sakuya.

"...That's going to burn the mansion down, you know." She worriedly eyed the blazing table.

I wave my hand dismissively. "C'mon, the floor's wet. No harm, no foul. Or something."

"...I'll bring them to an actual fireplace." Sakuya decided.

Freakin'... "Why didn't ya say that in the first place?"

"You looked like you were having fun." Sakuya folded her arms.

"Well…" I kinda was! "...I am _cold_ , and _wet_ , and _sad_. Meiling's running around like a chicken with its head cut off lookin' for ya, Flandre's like, existing, Patchouli's probably out of commission, and vines are invading the manor."

"The vines are what?" Sakuya did a double-take.

"...I said we're under _attack_ , Sakuya!" I grabbed her by the shoulders. "The manor is being _besieged_!"

She grabbed my arms with hers, and took them off her. "How bad even is it…?" She looked freakin' tired.

"...Well, Remilia's nowhere to be found, they're rapidly invading the lobby and inwards, an~d uh… pain, essentially." I stare at Patchouli's slowly breathing form.

"...Dammit." Sakuya swore, sighing.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====

I sat all cozily around the rather crude boiler. We didn't have any real fireplaces in the manor yet, just this. The room was dim, but for whatever reason identical to the halls and guest rooms, barring the grey stone floor where the boiler itself was. The ceiling was beige, and it had this little white lightbulb that blinked.

Patchouli was curled up in a ball in her undies, shivering. "...Y-you...i-idiot…" She was surprisingly limber, which was probably a byproduct of her health. I won't mention bust size, but I'd say that she's uh… more than meets the eye.

"...S-stop staring…" She glares at me.

I jerk my head away. "Welp, uh, you see, aa~h…"

"Just be quiet…"

...Awkward!

Flandre was up in a ball too, but she didn't get _as_ wet as Patchouli, so she didn't need to strip down to her undies, which was fine by me. Eheh...

"...T-that was mean…"

I shrug. "Yo, and what you were doin' wasn't?"

"I didn't know what I was doing!" Flandre yells, glaring at me. I jump back reflexively, not expecting the volume.

"...I-I didn't know…" She looks back down to her knees.

...Hmm. Involuntary nonsense is always worrying.

"...Well, it gotcha to calm down, at the least." I try to steer this in an optimistic way…!

"...I-I shouldn't have needed calming down." Freakin'... Accept my kindness, dammit!

I shrug. "Well, I'm freakin' overdrawn at the empathy bank. I'm outta cards, yo. Outta cards, outta tricks up my sleeve, and outta sleeves!" I grab the sleeves of my monk robe thing and roll it up. "No sleeves, yo…"

Flandre grins. "...But you just rolled them up."

"Pedantics!" I reply. "Look, Patchy, I even-"

"Stop c-calling me that…" Patchouli looks up at me scornfully.

"Yeah, whatever. Alright, I even-"

"Stop." Flandre interrupts me, staring at me.

"Say what now?" I look at her, somewhat confused.

"Stop." Flandre gets up and walks towards me.

"Stop uh… stop what?" I raise a brow a little awkwardly.

"She doesn't like you calling her that. Stop it." Flandre sternly prompts me.

"A...alright?" I'm feeling super awkward now!

She quickly slides up to me and grabs me by the wrist. Like that, she carefully walks over to Patchouli, dragging me along with her.

"Apologize."

Ah… "...Sorry. If uh… you really have that much of a problem with it, I'll uh… I'll stop." Help, no.

Patchouli blinks, not expecting this development either. "...T-that's… alright?"

Flandre smiles and lets me go. "Don't do it again!" She waves her finger at me. Despite her debatably legitimate innocent demeanor, one must remember she is both an insanely powerful vampire and co-mistress to the mansion.

I awkwardly grin. "Yeah!..."

Flandre stretches a bit. "...I think my clothes are dry now… Whose idea was the whole water thing anyway?"

Her eyes lock on me. "...Hey, my idea was just to toss buckets at you until you stopped, which didn't go well because hitting you with a bucket was like tossing a paper ball into a trashcan that's like, a normal distance away… and the real dinger is when the trash can gets up, grabs the paper ball, runs up to you and shoves it up ya fookin' arse! That's a real dinger, for ya, yo!"

…

"...So it wasn't your idea…?" Flandre didn't know what to make of my paragraph, tilting her head.

"Basically, no." I summarized, grinning.

...Patchouli didn't say anything. I don't necessarily blame her, being as freakin' flimsy and cuddly as she is.

Patchouli glared at me again. "...W-why are you staring at me ag-"

Okay, look. "Because my thoughts shifted to you, in a non-sexual way! My hormones aren't that potent, even if they're like, ninety-five percent of my blood stream!"

"...Ah." Patchouli looked away, minding her own business. That's right, cuddly. You better 'ah' me.

"...Will she be okay?" Flandre looked in the corner of the room, noticing an unconscious Koi, who had a brick next to her head.

I bring a hand to my chin. "...Yeah. She's just sleeping. Real hard day." Life is rough, yo. She was cuddly.

Flandre nodded. "...I guess so…" Her face paled. "I-I… I didn't hurt anyone, did I?"

…

"...Nah, you weren't a big problem." I reply in a chillax manner, giving a casual smile.

"...Good." Flandre smiles.

...Pfft! "Hahahahahah!" I burst out laughing.

"...Haha...hahaha!" Flandre laughs with me. "What are we laughing at!?"

"I don't know!" I respond on the spot. I really do know, but if you knew, you wouldn't be laughing!

"...You two…" Patchouli seemed to be recovering!

Suddenly, Meiling!

Bam! We stop laughing suddenly, as the door behind us is kicked open!

"Sakuya! Mistress! Patchouli! Anyone!"

…

"Hi, how's it goin'." I wave casually at her. Flandre waves with me, and Patchouli waves too.

…

"...Why… the _hell_ … are all of you in the boiler room?"

"Long story. Wanna go get some popcorn for uh… yourself?" I awkwardly botch my joke. Shieut!

"...Okay, you know what? I'll roll with it."

Komi was still in her arms, by the way, looking incredibly windswept. "...I-I… for one… would like some popcorn."

Meiling looks down at her. "And would you like to run another ten halls back to the kitchen with me?"

"...Point taken… and well made…" Komi was freakin' frazzled.

…

"...Welcome to the boiler of the bums, yo! We broil the fluffs, the guffs, and the stuffs!" I officially greeted Meiling!

"...Why are you still screwing around? We don't know how close those vines are to here, even." Meiling, glared at me. Everyone was freakin' glaring at me today!

I take a moment to come up with a good response… "Look, yo, I already informed Sakuya of the issue and she had us sitchiated hea' for the time bein', so I don't think there's a big problem-o, for now."

"...Hmph." Meiling folds her arms. "I'll trust her judgement, then."

Truth be told, Sakuya probably doesn't know of their progress either, but y'know…

…

It's times like this I wished they had invented weed whackers back in the way-back-whens. Or weed spray. I mean yo, I freakin' disrupted a tank battalion like twenty bajillion chapters ago, somehow. Provided, they were being piloted by fairies, but yo…!

"...We should evacuate regardless." Meiling suggested, moving around restlessly.

"I bet the vines have surrounded the outer grounds." I point out.

"...We can fly." Meiling stares at me blankly.

Oh, right. Magical girls. Kinda forgot that part, somehow.

I turn to face Flandre, and smirk. "Alright, Flandre, we're gonna use your up-b recovery to get out of here."

Flandre furrows her brows. "My what?"

... I walk around the corner outside of the room, and open my sack for the fluffles I had Sakuya relocate out there for a gag that couldn't take place due to circumstance; namely that one where Flandre had forced me to apolomagize for my actions, interrupting what I was gonna say.

"...Get in, friends! It's not safe!"

The fluffles scurry into the sack.

I walk back into the room. "Alright…"

"What are you doing…?" Patchouli vainly stares me down.

"Things, yo." I nod at her, and continue towards Koi.

I pull out Deep Blue and twist the valve a bit, and let the water drip on her. "Wake the fuck up!"

After a few moments, she starts shaking and jitters awake. "Hu-hah, wha~t!?" She sits up, looking around.

"Latch onto my hips, yo." I thrust my bum towards her.

"...I think I'm still dreaming." She complies, a slight bit offput by the fact I'm still wearing robes that hide my features, but compliant nonetheless.

"Komi, stay in Meiling's arms." I point at her.

"Sure." Komi yawns.

"Who are you to just order people around?" Meiling eyes me suspiciously.

"Please hold your questions until the end of the ride!" I exclaim. "Patchouli, grab Meiling, and Meiling, grab Flandre's arm."

"What even are we doing…?" Patchouli cooperates, and Meiling does too.

"...I don't get it either, Patchouli-sama…" Meiling looks confused.

Alright, all the preparations were set!

I stare up at the beige ceiling of the boiler room, and point my hand at it as if I knew where the hell this crazy ride would take us.

"Remember what I said about your up-b, Flandre?" I grin.

"...I still don't know what that is…" Flandre replies, unsure.

I come up behind her and latch onto her waist. "Fly, Flandre, Fly! Oh, shit! Help, fly! Screaming! Loud noises!"

Flandre screams. "Aaa~aaah!"

She leaps, soaring into the air and her crystal wings lighting up like a brilliant rainbow, and we soar into the ceiling. Since all of us were latched onto Flandre by some stage way, we all take to the air with her.

Bam! We were on an upper hallway!

Bam! We pierced the floor of Remilia's room, tipping over that metal table.

The two impacts have already slowed us considerably, an~d…

Bam!

We barely passed the makeshift top of the manor, the roof of Remilia's room. Past there, we saw the azure sky of early, early morning. There wasn't sun yet, but there would be eventually.

Flandre's wings began returning to normal! We had to go higher!

I reach into my sack, feeling fluffy things on the inside. Digging around, I find the Escape Plan and rip it out, and I bring it back around to the front of Flandre's waist.

"Grab it!" I shout over the wind and roar of her wings.

She grabs it, and her wings light up.

Vruuuuuu!

We're boosted far above the manor, before her wings flicker out again.

"Alright, thanks for riding Flandre air lines! Get the fuck off and fly by yourself now!" I shout to everyone. Meiling detaches, still holding onto Komi. Patchouli hangs onto her for dear life, rocked by the transit.

...Koi's still on my waist, so I kick her off. She falls for a bit, before beginning to float on her own.

I reach into my bag of tricks again, and pull out the Yin-yang flail-o-copter!

"Yo, help me not die!" I shout to Flandre, and she holds my arm before I drop.

...Which hurts like a son of a bitch, being held by just my arm! "Eaaaugh!"

Flandre lets go and grabs my waist instead. "S-sorry!"

I begin spinning my flail…

Woosh… woosh… woosh, woosh, woosh, woowoowoowoo!

"...You can let go, now." I think I've got this!

"A-alright…" Flandre lets me go, and I float stably!

"Woohoo! To the skies once again, baby!" I pump my free arm.

Meiling looks at me skeptically. "...Well, that worked. I guess."

Patchouli floated free of her, taking deep breaths. "...T-that was…"

I looked down, and saw that the vines were only halfway across the perimeter of the manor. Well, I was half right, then.

...I also observed the whole jungle of vines that had spread towards the manor.

"...Holy shit." Holy shit.

Patchouli's eyes widened, looking down. "...This is bad."

...Hmm. "We should go pay Yuuka a visit." I think aloud.

"How about we don't?" Meiling doesn't like that idea one bit.

"Well, you and the fluffy fellows can hold the fort… in the sky… or something. Become a team fortress! I'll be off to have a chat with the flower person." I casually begin hovering off, bobbing along with the flail as it stabilizes in the air, and I begin hovering towards where the flower field should be…

"I'm coming with!" Flandre exclaims. Oh, boy. "I-I don't hear good things about the flower person!"

Aww. "Don't worry yo, I'll be fine-"

"No, you won't! I'm coming." Flandre decides, floating alongside me.

"...Sure." I decide.

I wave to Meiling. "Tell Sakuya I'm off to buy some weed spray."

She nods. "Alright. Don't die, I guess. Make sure Flan-chan comes back safely."

"I will! Don't worry, Meiling!" Flandre waves to her.

And so, we begin our journey to the field of the cuddleable sunflowers!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====

Meiling sighs.

Patchouli sighs, too. "In retrospect, we shouldn't have let the little mistress go off like that- especially with that boy. Remi would be pissed if she got into serious trouble on the outside because of him."

Meiling looks worried. "Is he really _that_ bad…?"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====

Said journey was relatively uneventful, as we made our way across the dim landscape of Gensokyo in the super early morning. Below us, various bits and places had vine-related problems, but nothing major seemed to be in trouble. Even the village seemed okay; the vines were kinda at the walls, but no further.

"...What's she like?" Flandre questioned me, presumably talking of Kazami.

"Tall, dark, and mean." Like me on a school day!

"...Is that really true? Maybe she's just misunderstood…" Flandre looks unsure.

I sigh. "Well… she might be, but all things considered, she's not in a big fat hurry to be understood. She actively commits slaughter, purposefully, so uh…"

"...I see." Flandre doesn't look very happy with that answer. I wouldn't be, either!

We were close to the field, and it seemed to have vines near the edges of it, but the sunflower field was largely untouched. Largely. Marginally.

...as in, part of the field _was_ touched.

Vrrrrr!

I heard lasers, and I saw lasers. Not directed towards us, thankfully.

Vrrrrr!

Flandre cast a worried look down at the violence, but we continued forward to the center of the flower field, where a simplistic house sat.

Floating down, we came up to a little, white metal table. People liked to use these! Flandre and I sat down at one, listening to the hums of lasers in the distance.

…

...Fluffy days, yo…

…

"Ah! I see that I have guests!"

Oh, boy.

Yuuka emerges from amidst her flowers, hovering towards a chair. She takes a seat, and props her arms on the table.

"Whom do we have here? This fop, obviously-" She gestures to me. "-and some random vampire he found, apparently." She gestures to Flandre. "...Didn't know you were into the younger ones." She gives me a snide grin.

I shrug. "Gotta lick them lolis clean, yo."

Flandre tilts her head. "...I don't get it!"

Yuuka immediately turns to her. "I could explain it to you, in full detail."

"Vinesauce!" I slam my hands on the table. , Yuuka.

…

"...That does remind me… would you two happen to know of what is causing this vine problem, by any chance…?" Yuuka's eyes switch between the two of us.

I shake my head. "Not re-umph!"

My mouth is covered by a leaf. "Not from you. I want to hear it from her."

She turns to Flandre, who looks a little nervous. "...I dunno, I only recently saw what was going on… I don't get outside often, either, so this is all new to me…"

Yuuka smiles. "Ooo~h, you must be a young vampire, then! Goodness me…" She puts a hand to her chest. "...Quite a set of events, wouldn't you say?... I assume you followed that man for his blood, correct?"

Flandre shook her head, her face growing more stern. "N-no, it's not like that…"

"Or did he capture you with vampire-taming magics? I wouldn't put it past him to carry a few crosses on him…" Yuuka eyes me scornfully, then gets up and walks near me. "I could _dispose_ of him, if you wanted me to… You'd be free."

I need an adult!

Flandre's eyes light up at the word 'free', and before she can respond, Yuuka reacts. "Oh… oo~h? Freedom… is that it? Say no more."

Yuuka's hands begin to reach towards me…

Pow!

...Yuuka was at least a single foot away from me. Flandre was right next to me now, fist outstretched. Yuuka's head was turned slightly from the punch.

"...Don't put words into my mouth…" Flandre glared at her.

… I wanna look at my character sheet. Why? Because I wanna see how deep into the _negatives_ my LUK stat is!

"...Vampire." Yuuka begins.

Flandre turns to me and rips the leaf from my mouth. It's like plant duct tape!

"...Do you know… who I am?"

Flandre glares at her. "...No. I don't. Not well, anyway. People talk about you. They don't say good things about you. They don't say good things about me, either."

"...Human discrimination, hmm? All the more reason to _slaughter them_." Yuuka gave her good ol' slasher smile.

"...Stop." Flandre requests.

"...Did I hit the nail on the head?" Yuuka grins.

"...Stop." Flandre requests again.

"...Just kill them a-"

"Stop acting like you know me~!" Flandre roars, throwing her arms back. Her claws extended on one hand, and The Escape Plan lit alive with magic in the other.

Yuuka floats into the air. "...Come, open your heart, young vampire."

Flandre opts for glaring at her some more. "...How would you like it… if I talked about you like that?"

Yuuka shrugged. "Indifference."

"What if I talked like you were some killer!?... What if I called you a psychopath? A murderer?" Flandre stared at her, disbelieving.

"...Then you'd be right on the money." Yuuka began grinning again. "...I don't remember vampires being so… touchy-feely."

"...I think you're just misunderstood." Flandre's expression grew sorrowful.

Yuuka snorted. "Pfft… What was that you said about talking about people as if you knew them?"

…

I could like, _feel_ the sparks flying between the two...

"...I don't like you." Flandre decided.

"Join the club."

I cup my hands around my mouth. "Join the Nintendo Fun Club today, Flan!"

…

The two just briefly turn at me and scoff.

...Look, I had to. That joke wrote itself!

"...I grow bored of this staring contest. My name… is Yuuka Kazami," she exclaimed, raising her parasol. "And now, young vampire, you die."

I quickly barrel out of the way as Yuuka points her parasol at Flandre. Flandre braces herself…

Vrrrrr!

I don't need to look behind me to see the light that's being cast across the field from the beam.

...The light from the spark dies down, and I turn around to see Yuuka floating around idly.

"...All it took was one blow?... Piti-"

Flandre darted out from the flowers, and latched onto Yuuka.

"Huh?... Amusing." Yuuka grinned. "So the little vampire is fast on her feet. It's a pity I have to kill you, now. You could have been my servant, were you a little less dimwitted."

"Shut up!" Flandre yelled back at her from her back.

Yuuka reached behind her and tried to rip Flandre from her back, only to have some difficulties- both due to the positioning, and due to Flandre's strength. "...One hell of a grip you have, kid."

Yuuka curls up into a ball, and when she uncurls, a green shockwave launches Flandre off her and into the air.

"Die." Yuuka aimed her parasoul at the launched Flandre.

Vrrrrrrrr!

I had to shield my eyes from the sudden light produced by the spark. When it was over, Flandre was sitting a bit to the left. She stuck out her tongue, and used her hand to lower one of her eyelids in a mocking manner.

"...You're not clever, child."

Yuuka divided into two, and both of her aimed their parasols at Flandre.

VrrrRRRRR!

...Not a lot I could do on the sidelines, here. I couldn't necessarily leave; those flowers were mean, and Yuuka was mean, and flying into the sky would be mean…

Shieut.

Flandre was still okay after the lasers had passed. Despite them being two, they were about as equally obstructive as one.

"Can't hit me!" Flandre yelled.

Vrrrrrrrr!

"Stop it!"

Vrrrrrrr!

"You're mean!"

Vrrrrrr!

This was going nowhere, unless Yuuka stopped firing giant unwieldy lasers and began using normal danmaku. That, and Flandre seemed to be trying to go the pacifist route for this fight.

Vrrrrr!

...I feel like Yuuka's still digging for that servant opportunity or something…

"...You're annoying." Yuuka decided, staring at Flandre.

"...I don't want to hurt you." Flandre stared back.

...Yuuka darted towards Flandre, but Flandre was ready, if only because Yuuka wasn't as quick as she was. She whirled around her and tried to connect the Escape Plan to the back of her head, but Yuuka kicked backwards, sending Flandre back a foot or so, from which she continued to fly forward and bean Yuuka in the head anyway.

"Guh…" Yuuka rubbed her head. "You're gonna die, for that."

She leaped forward, attempting to grapple Flandre, only to get beaned in the head again.

"...This is starting to annoy me." Yuuka split into two again, making me question where the hell the double went after that one double-spark. They both swung their parasols at Flandre like fencing swords, and Flandre blocked them both because, like the dual sparks, they met at the same bloody point. Idiots…

"...Gotcha!" Flandre slid the hanger past one of the parasols, and smacked the clone Yuuka in the face.

The original Yuuka then took her parasol, and swiftly impaled Flandre to the left of her spine, missing it by a fair margin.

"Eaagh!" Flandre flinched forward, a gash on her back opened from the sudden jab.

Grinning, Yuuka tried to latch onto the wound with her open hand, and was successful, but Flandre ripped away from it anyway, a chunk of her flesh being taken off as she did so.

"A-aaauh!" Flandre wailed, the Escape Plan burning brighter as she darted over the field of flowers. Her wounds regenerated a tad slower, which I assume were after-effects of the water treatment from earlier.

Yuuka was pursuing.

"I didn't want to do this…" Flandre winced, and held out her hand…

"You're mine!" Yuuka gleefully shouted, raising her parasol over her head.

Flandre closed her palm.

BLAM

Yuuka's… parasol was what exploded.

She brought down her hand, swinging nothing.

…

The clone Yuuka floated up, and merged back with the real Yuuka, who somehow inherited the parasol of her clone. The most mundane of super powers!

…

"Can we just talk this out?" Flandre meekly suggested.

Yuuka sighed. "...Normally this is where I'd get serious, but with these vines around, it'd be a bit of a problem if I wasted time on children like you. My garden needs me."

Yuuka must go now, her planet needs her. Insert Kappa face. Y'know, the Twitch emoticon… not the species of youkai...

"...Or maybe you just don't want to hurt me." Flandre, you're playing a dangerous game…!

Yuuka took the off moment to dash up to Flandre. She reached for her arm, but Flandre jerked it back.

Fwi-Choom!

A random laser from some generic sunflower amidst the field shot out, engulfing Flandre.

"A-Aaah!"

Flandre escaped the line of pain in the sky, dashing out of it much too late to avoid the damage.

Yuuka drifts towards her and lightly grabs her chin. "You don't know what serious means, young vampire."

...If that kyuu hit Yuuka and not her girly umbrella, she'd probably be dead right now. I don't _think_ she has natural insta-death resistance, even if she does seem like a boss person. I dunno.

"...However, I am busy today. It is simply not within my agenda to put in the effort towards killing you right now. Sorry." Yuuka drifted away from Flandre. "...Just don't give me a reason to do it anyway."

Yuuka drifts back down to her table, and I cautiously approach it and sit down.

"...So, how's 'bout that ga~me ball…?" I press my hands together.

Yuuka doesn't bother to look at me. "...I'll tell you what. You solve this… vine problem, and I reward you. Infact, you get two rewards."

That sounds made up. I scrunch my face…!

"Your first reward is that you get to live the next time I see you and your little vampire toy."

Oh, gee, thanks. Nice of ya.

"Your second reward… would be quite fitting for yourself, actually." ...Well, that's vague as shit!

I also dunno how to reply. "...Alright, that's uh… that's cool."

Flandre floats up tiredly. "...I-I wanna go home. I don't like it here."

Pouting, Yuuka mocks Flandre. "Oh, boo hoo. This can't be the first time you've been walked all over, has it? Don't answer that; that human… captor of yours tells me everything."

I nod slowly. "Hey, Yuuka. You don't have time to kill us right now, right?" Rising from my chair, I walk towards Flandre, slowly bringing an arm to her shoulder.

"...Not unless you want me to." she grins.

I lean over and whisper into Flandre's ears. "Think you can fly as fast as possible when I say 'hyonk'?"

She nods slowly.

Good, good…

I look at Yuuka. Hmmm…

"...You ever hear of the twelve days of Christmas, Yuuka?"

She tilts her head. "...I've heard the carol, yes. The holiday I find in poor taste, however." Yeah, you would.

"...So, where do they keep the pear tree every year? Up your ass!? That'd explain why you're such a huge _bitch_! Hyonk!" I give her a shit-eating grin, and grab onto Flandre's waist with one arm, and wave at her with the other.

Yuuka stands up, and Flandre soars off, her wings lighting up as they did before, and we sail into the dim sky.

choo...chooo, chooo!

Lasers emerge from the field below, but most don't come too close to hitting us.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ==== 

With a name like "A STORY FOR GLORY" you'd think it'd be about me kicking some serious ass! But no, it's just this incident screwing up my happenings!

...Man, now I know why Reimu and the others hate it when everything goes to shit!

"...So uh, was there any particular reason to holding back, or were you just not feeling it today?" I ask Flandre, who seemed to be contemplating life as she flew around in a bee line towards the manor.

"I thought she was like me." Flandre reasoned. "I thought that she might have not been what people said she was…"

I shake my head. "I can guarantee that this is one of those moments where the the people weren't entirely wrong about her character. Vaguely, anyway. If they said she was an asshole, then they've at least got the gist of it."

Nearing the mansion, a shimmering platform sat in the air, and Flandre was drawn to investigate it.

"...Hey." Sakuya was sitting with her legs crossed on the platform. It wasn't a small one, either; I'd say like twenty feet across, enough to fit a couple people.

"...Hi." Flandre greeted her as she let me go onto the platform.

Landing soundly, I pat my clothes to make sure… yeah, they're all still there; they didn't just vaporize between scene changes. "Well, Yuuka apparently didn't have anything to do with anything." I add. "...Do plants menstruate?"

Sakuya rolls her eyes.

Patchouli was floating in the air over the platform, apparently being the one powering it. I dunno if she needed concentration or not, but I don't think now would be a good time to find out.

"...So, how'd it go?" Meiling was idly kicking her legs off the side of the platform.

"We died." I provided helpfully.

"...Not well, I take it." Meiling nods to the sky.

"We got better, though."

Flandre was sort of restlessly stretching, now. "...I'm bored, now…"

I look down, and the vines have spread around the mansion, and some fairies were panicking on the outside a bit. Some were throwing things, because that helps.

"...Now that I think about it, a fusion cannon would kick Kazami's ass…" I doubt any fusion cannons exist on the surface of Gensokyo, and if anything they'd be in that nuclear plant a million miles down below.

Sakuya hands Flandre a parasol from abso-freakin'-lutely nowhere, because the sun was rising over the horizon; it was genuinely morning now.

…

Wow, we're really at kind of a standstill, aren't we?

…

But, now that I think about it, now would be a good time to plunder Kourindou for some upgrades and shit!

"I'm going to go to the store guys, do you want anything?" I pull out my Yin-yang flail-o-copter and get ready for some traveling…

"...Weed spray." Sakuya mutters.

"...Shears." Meiling adds.

I nod. "...I probably can't get either of those things, but I'll keep my eyes open!"

"You do that." Sakuya sees me off with very little enthusiasm.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====

Nearing Kourindou, the vines nearby hadn't quite reached it, but I'd say if I gave the place an hour, it'd be in deep shit.

Walking inside, I find that some wild fairies had the same idea that I did, too.

"He~y, Grass-chan! Look at this!" A brown-haired fairy raised what looked like a pistol into the air.

A pistol?

I ran up, but stopped midway when I notice that… it's just another NERF Maverick blaster, except painted black. It was one of those freakin' modded NERF blasters… how the hell did it end up here!?

The brown-haired fairy jumped back from me. "A-aaa~h! Grass-chan, help!"

A green-haired fairy leaped from a pile of junk, wearing a Game Grumps T-shirt and one of those pairs of oversized underwear with hearts on it. She was wielding an empty can of Pringles. "Hey! Stay away from Soil-chan!"

I raise a brow. "What the fuck are you wearing?"

"That man said they were… um… 'info-mom-tits'...uh…" She pointed at Rinnosuke, who I only just realized freakin' existed.

I flinch a bit. "Where'd you come from!?"

"I've been here the whole time." he deadpanned. He was at his desk, as usual, but I didn't bother to look at it earlier 'cause I assumed he was gone already.

He adjusted his glasses. "...And it's 'informative apparel.' The theory I've come up with is that humans on the outside wear these articles of clothing in order to communicate important information to their fellow man. Am I right in believing so?" Rinnosuke questions me.

Uhh… "Kinda. It's more-so just to represent your devotion towards something or that you're a fan of something; if we're going for informative, we have uniforms with implied meanings for that."

He takes out a notepad. "Such as…?"

Freakin', I'm not an encyclopedia! "Police uniforms! Those traffic guard people who let you cross the street! Firemen!" I throw out random examples.

"...I don't really follow." Rinnosuke looks up to me, not writing anything.

"Ask Yukari to buy you a book." I suggest.

"...But you are from the outside, are you not?" I confused this man!

"Son, I didn't come here to play twenty questions with some chucklefuck! I came to steal your shit, but apparently you're even more batshit insane than I am and actually stayed to man the store in the vine apocalypse!"

…

"...That doesn't answer my question." Motherfucker didn't even bat an eye…

I throw my hands up. "That's it, I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you. You can talk to George Jetson." I take the fluffle out of my sack and set it on his desk.

It starts biting at the air, and while I want to hug it, I refrain.

"...Alright, so… I take it you're familiar with 'informative apparel'?" Rinnosuke asks mister Jetson.

"look fam i got you" The fluffle reached into… uh… nothing, apparently, and pulled out a little Metallica T-shirt, and slipped it on. "im crushing your mind and smashing your dreams" it muttered.

Rinnosuke nodded. "I'll take that as a yes?"

While mister man was having fun with his fluffy companion, I browsed the shelves for wares…

I then heard the firing of the NERF dart blaster, and felt a dart bounce off the back of my head.

"Take that, meanie!" Soil-chan was laying it thick on me, yo.

Oo~h, you know what this means, yo…

I pull out my NERF Maverick blaster for the first time in literally twenty fucking chapters, cock the blaster, and actually fire a dart.

Paf! The dart flew towards Soil-chan.

"Kyaa~h!" Once the dart hit her arm, she sprawled over dramatically on the floor.

Grass-chan paled. "N-no… No!"

She aimed her hand in the air, and a magic circle formed where it was.

Fwooo…

Promptly, one formed around me, a stuffy, earthy green aura filling the air around me, and I was thrown slightly off balance. I was also drowsy…

Bitch just cast Gaia Seed on me!

Lethargically, I reached into my sack and equip Quake Bloomer. Then, I tap it against the floor.

Fwooo…

A similar magic circle formed around Grass-chan, but she didn't seem to be affected negatively at all.

"...Thanks, mister!" She beamed, appearing to have liked it. "What you did to Soil-chan wasn't very nice, though!"

Soil-chan stood up, and dusted herself off. "...G-grass-chan, I'm fine… We were only playing…"

...In the background, Rinnosuke was still talking with that fluffle.

"...I fail to see how any of this helps." He looked at a complete loss, now wearing an oversized pair of sunglasses and a bowler hat.

"oh baby, a triple!" exclaimed the fluffy friend. It held up a tiny ball-peen hammer, and started hitting some of the books Rinnosuke left on his counter with it.

...I nod slowly, retrieving my fired NERF dart. "...Well, you two just keep doing you for as long as this shop still stands, which is probably like thirty minutes."

Seriously, I could _hear_ the vines outside.

Grass-chan nods energetically, smiling. "Can do!"

I look around at the shelves for any crap I could pickpocket while Rinnosuke was engaging in fluffy shenanigans…

Oh, shit, I almost forgot about that one!

I jumped to grab a fuel canister off the shelves, the warning labels on it clearly marking how it's explosive and a fire hazard and all that jazz. I'm pretty sure this is an upgrade to Flame Dispenser…

I walk up to the counter. "Hey, Rinnosuke, if I kick the vine's asses with this upgrade, can I keep it?" ...I mean, chances are I'd burn down the shop and probably only kill some of the vines, but I think it's a fair trade-off!

He sighed, and nodded. "Very well. I was counting on the incident to be over shortly, or for someone else to come save me, but I suppose you'll have to do."

...Way to take a blow at my ego, mister man! Now I'll feel _negative_ remorse about your shop being caught in the crossfire! How's them apples?

…

I'm a bad person.

In any case, I take the fuel canister and plunk the business end of it onto the side of the plant hanger. It's so easy, a caveman could do it!

"It shall be named Flame Salvo, and it will be mine." I declare. I dunno where I even heard 'salvo' from; I think it was a Kingdom Hearts thing or something… and in any case, it was better than calling it 'flamethrower' or something equally as uninspired.

I proceed to march outside, and am greeted with some elbow room. The vines are mostly around the sides of the shop, but like thirty feet ahead, the path was blocked, too.

"...Alright, time to see what this baby can do…"

I aim it outward, and give it a little gas; just to see if the flamethrower capacity of the thing had upgraded…

Fwoom!

It has!... Not by enough to be useful in this scenario, but it was at least double the length it was! Now it shot out like six or nine feet instead of five or below…

...I don't consider being within twenty feet of the vines very wise, though.

"Hmm…" I wonder if this thing can do fire magic; I mean, aside from what I can already do, which I don't think helps…

Charging the hanger with magic, I slam it against the floor.

…

Well, I guess that answers-

Bam! Fwoom!

I looked ahead to the vines, and saw the ground cracked slightly, and a lick of flames emerged from the Earth.

...The vines were mostly indifferent to it, though, and they didn't even catch fire. Weak!

"...It's better than nothing, I guess." I tell myself, nodding slowly. Freakin'...

At this rate, I might aswell just hurl fireballs at the assholes. I lift my hand, and begin focusing. After a few moments, the fireball is ready.

"Eat shit!" I throw it at the vines ahead.

Woosh… Fwoom!

The section of vines I hit went up in flames. Due to their tangled nature, the fire spread a bit… but quickly ceased spreading ground as the vines systematically worked to isolate themselves from the burning mass. The smell of cut grass pungently invaded the air, and I stepped back a bit.

"...This sucks." Stupid, freakin'... vines!

...Actually, I had an idea.

I ran back inside, and looked at the counter.

George Jetson was apparently bargaining with Rinnosuke. "ill only accept payment in walnuts, friend"

He scratched his head. "...I just told you, I don't want twenty-five of these so called 'Metallica T-shirts'..."

The fluffle was gesturing to a pile of Metallica T-shirts, which the fairies were going through as they spoke.

I walked up and took like twelve or something. "Sorry, friends, need these to fuel my pyromania!"

With that, I ran out, most of the others just watching me leave, and the fluffle opening and closing its shell nose, speechless.

Hmmm… now, how am I going to distribute these to all our raving fans, yo?

I think of all my hangers, and when I think about it, there's really no good way of getting these T-shirts out- hold on…

I pull out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, and aim the business end of its barrel at a shirt.

Pew!

The bullet flies through the shirt, searing a hole in it. Shieut!

…

I run back inside. "Anyone got a harpoon gun or something?"

Rinnosuke was shaking the fluffle's fin. "You drive a hard bargain, but I think it's worth it…"

"hazelnuts" The fluffle was ecstatic that it made a sale, a pile of walnuts now resting aside it.

I look to the fairies. "Hey, friends. Mind dropping flaming objects from the sky on my foes?"

Soil-chan looks apprehensive. "...That sounds mean."

"They're the vines that have been freakin' invading the world." I add.

"...It's still mean!" Bloody…

"...Look, you get to take that fluffle's walnuts if we succeed." Hey, Rinnosuke gave them to the fluffle, and since the fluffle is technically mine, that means his walnuts are technically mine!

…Soil-chan nodded. "Alright, I'll do it. Grass-chan, do you want to help?"

She tilted her head back and forth. "I dunno… Me and the vines are friends…" You fucking people…

"Don't question it, friends! Rewards and shit! C'mon!" I gesture to the door.

We walked out the front door, and as we did so, Grass-chan tripped and accidentally pushed Soil-chan. Soil-chan then promptly did a dramatic forward somersault into my legs, and I tripped and used Flame Salvo to block my fall, which then sent out a burst of flames on impact, and the floor to the shop caught on fire.

"U-uh…" Rinnosuke eyed it cautiously.

I fumbled for my sack. "I got this! I got it!" I pulled out Deep Blue, and cranked up the water flow.

Splash!

…

Soil-chan parted her wet hair. "...I-I don't know about this…"

Freakin'... "Hey, Rinnosuke? You got a back room we could use for a tactics meeting or somethin'?" …'cause we're gonna need it!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====

Soil, Grass, Rinnosuke, and George Jetson all sat around a bland coffee table as I stood in front of a chalkboard. Rinnosuke really has alotta crap in here…

"Aight, here's the score…" I begin. "Rule number one: It's my way, or he's a dead motherfucker way. There ain't no more rules, take yer pick." I always wanted to say that…!

Rinnosuke blinked. "I'm not sure if I tolerate such language in my-"

"Son, if this meeting goes south, the only one dying here is you, and maybe me. And probably George Jetson over there…" I look over at it...

The fluffle is staring into space with its mouth open, emitting a fluffy scent. It smells cuddly.

…

"...Right." Rinnosuke sighed, reluctantly letting me continue.

"Alright guys, so seriously, we need to go full pyromania and just burn every bit of foliage in like, a fifty mile square radius around us." I explain. "The vines are freakin' everywhere, so anywhere you see a vine, drop a burning shirt."

Grass-chan tilted her head. "...But, won't it burn up before we get far?"

...Dayum, I hate it when fairies are right… "...Ga~h…"

Rinnosuke brought a hand to his chin. "...How about you just throw the flaming hanger at the vines? If it ignites them and forces them to clear the area, then we'd be making progress."

...Hey, that's actually not a bad idea. I don't think, anyway. "...Yeah, actually, let's do that. You guys can carry around torches or something, we'll just use the T-shirts as kindling."

As a foreword, I have nothing against Metallica! It's just that surplus cloth is one of numerous things to consider burning!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====

We marched outside, the two fairies and Rinnosuke forming a triangle around me, defensively wielding sticks with burning Metallica T-shirts at the ends of them.

"Let's fuck some shit up!" I yelled, before chucking Flame Salvo into a cluster of vines that was quickly making a tree their plaything.

Fwoom!

The tree ignited, and so did the vines. We stood back as it quickly devolved into an inferno, and Flame Salvo sat on charred dirt before the flames. I marched up and grabbed it, quickly running back due to the immense heat of the fire before it.

"Jesus, fuck!" I had a way with words!

"...This is going to take a while." Rinnosuke observed.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====

We were on our tenth vine cluster or so, and it was like noon. I was about to freakin' drop dead; I needed sleep!

"Alright guys, do you think we should call it a day?" I asked them. We burned through like all the Metallica T-shirts, and only barely managed to get the vines away from the shop after so long. It was fun, though; we got to see stuff burn.

"...I suppose." Rinnosuke nodded, looking neutral about the situation. "My shop's not in immediate danger anymore, so it seems you kept your end of the bargain after all."

Grass and Soil promptly dropped to the floor, letting their burning sticks fall with them. Shit, I didn't know they were that tired. Oh, well…

George Jetson walked up to me. "im snuggly"

I lifted him up and stuffed him into the sack. "No."

...I walked into Rinnosuke's shop, pocketed my things, and passed out on the floor next to the counter. I think I'm starting to like wood floors…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====

 _I'm sitting in a circle of fluffles right now, and I seem to be their size! I look down at my hands, and realize they're fins!_

" _dude im fluffy" I announce, examining my fins._

 _I look around to find that I'm in a meadow full of butterflies. One flies past me, and on closer inspection…_

" _...hi alice" I wave a fin._

 _The blue butterfly has Alice's head, interestingly. "...This is new. First those unresponsive fluffles, and now you…"_

 _I walk towards her. "butterflies are good to eat"_

 _She flies away erratically. "W-what? G-get back!"_

 _I run after the Alice-fly, before suddenly falling into a pitfall._

" _oof"_

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====

"Oof!" I exclaim. "Ooochies, that sma~rts!" I hug my stomach!

Rinnosuke leans over the counter. "Good evening. Mind leaving my store, now?"

...I look at my torso to realize I had Metallica T-shirts draped over me like a blanket. What the fuck…

I flung the shirts off me, and looked over to find Soil and Grass sleeping on a huge pile of Metallica T-shirts.

"...Where the fuck do these Metallica shirts keep coming from!?" I yell.

Rinnosuke shakes his head, but doesn't respond.

...It was also night again.

"So, uh… have the vines made any more progress?" I ask.

"Vines?" he questions. "What vines?"

...Uhh… "...What do you mean 'what vines'? Son, it was literally like, today. You're shot."

"...Oh, you mean that incident. I almost forgot." He goes back to the book he was reading.

I shake my head. "How the frik didja almost _forget_? I don't think I was in a coma the whole time!"

He shrugged. "I just haven't been worried about it, that's all."

Hmm. I guess _I'll_ check on the vine's progress, then…

I open the door, and vines.

…

I close the door.

"...Well, we're screwed!" I reply, smiling.

Rinnosuke looks up at me. "How so?"

I point at the door. "Y'know those vines?"

"We were just talking about them, yes." He looked slightly annoyed!

"Well they're right the _fuck_ there!" I yell, expression flaring.

…

He looks back into his book. "Troublesome, to be sure." Freakin'...

…

"That's it, yo, I'm all Metallica'd out, I need to freakin' get outta here…" I started looking around the shop, and when my eyes reached the windows, I noticed the vines pretty much _in_ the windows.

"You could try the roof." Rinnosuke idly added.

Huh. "Do you really have roof access from inside?" I'd have thought no since most Gensokyo denizens can fly…

"No."

"You suck." I snort.

Looking around, I see a surfboard, and I get an idea…

"Gnarly, brother!" I stick my hand up and extend my pointer and pinky fingers. I then walk up to the surfboard and grab it.

Rinnosuke looked up. "...You'll have to pay for-"

"Son, you're about to be fertilizer in literally ten minutes, fock you!" I reply, walking into the depths of the shop.

...I walk back out. "Does this place have an attic?"

...He sighs. "Here, let me show you…"

Rinnosuke stands up, and walks me to the ladder that leads me to the attic.

"I'll just put that board on your tab." he tells me.

I nod. "Alright, yo. If you're somehow still alive after this, I'll pay it."

"Thanks."

I climb into the stuffy-ass attic. Seriously, why are attics like, a million degrees all the time!? Eaagh! The place is full of crap, too!

I turn to my left, and see some blue-haired fairy sleeping in the rafters. It's not Namori, though; just one of those water fairies...

...I pull out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, and toss it towards the ceiling at an angle.

Blam!

A hole is blown in the roof, revealing that the vines are not on the roof yet.

Blam!

The hanger hits the floor and makes a scorch mark. Tons of boxes and shit are blown aside, making a huge racket.

Crash!

"What the hell is going on up there!?" Rinnosuke yells from below.

"Honey, don't come in, I'm not decent!" I yell back down.

I look at the surfboard. If I rode this thing on its own on the vines, I'm pretty sure I'd get my ass kicked and slash or killed. I once again am faced with the issue of propulsion, but…

I open the attic door and poke my head down through it. "Hey, do you have any duct tape?"

Rinnosuke walks into and shakes his head. "No… I do not have any Duck Tape. More importantly-"

I cut in, "I mean the grey rolls of sticky stuff."

He nods. "Oh, right, the adhesive easy repair cloth."

"...It's called duct tape, son." I inform him.

"...That sort of name sounds too ridiculous for me to take seriously." Duhuhu~de…

"Alright, just bring me some of that! The good shit!" No time to explain things to him!

He walks out of the room, and comes back in with a roll. "Lucky for you that I had received it in excess for my shipments."

The roll was almost empty; the bastard'd given me a useless, nearly fully expended one. It'll do, I think!

"My supplier told me to make a boat out of it, but I fail to see how it could properly function as a boat." Rinnosuke added, tossing me the roll. 

Catching it, I stare at him a moment, neutrally. "...You should try it, sometime."

With that, I raise myself back into the attic and close the door. I look at the surfboard again…

"...Brain bla~st!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====

"Jesus fuck."

I was staring at a surfboard with both Flame Salvo and the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber duct taped to the bottoms. I accented the tape with some staples from a stapler I found, more tape, the rest of the tape, and then I took some frilly bows from that dress of the fairy sleeping in the rafters and tied them all around it. I also used some rope…

...so uh, everything except the backs of the hangers were obscured. Probably a good thing, really…

"I am a dead man." I grin at the board.

I look out the hole in the roof, watching the writhing, twitching mass of vines.

I look at the sleeping water fairy, and I blow her a kiss. "Bon voyage, mon amie. I knew you for all of literally thirty minutes."

I walked up to the fairy, and ripped off her shoes.

...What? I needed some way to stay on the freakin' surfboard!

Sadly, they were super small, so I took my hands…

Ri~p!

...Not what I intended to do, but okay.

Ri~p!

...Maybe Rinnosuke had some glue.

I leaned down from the attic door again.

"Hey, Rinnosuke!" I called out.

I heard a deep sigh, and he walked into the room again. "What is it now…?"

"I need freakin' glue! Sticky shit! Gorilla jizz!" I snapped my fingers. "Help!"

"... Why don't you just sit in a corner and masturbate, then?" Touche…

"...I mean the utility, jackass!"

He shakes his head. "That's a unique way to describe semen."

Auuugh! "Look, do you have anything orange and white with a little orange cap and-"

Rinnosuke pulls out a bottle of Fanta.

"Holy shit, no- dude, it has like, a picture of a cow bull thing and it's smiling-"

He puts a picture of a bull on the bottle of Fanta.

"Son…" I glare at him.

Rinnosuke laughs. "Alright, alright, I get it. Hold on…"

I wait patiently for a few moments, and he returns with a little trial-sized bottle of glue.

"This'll work." I nod. "Thanks, yo. If you survive the great vine storm, you'll be rewarded with a feast fit for a fluffle."

He shakes his head. "That sounds unpleasant."

I walk back up to the board, and the fairy was apparently awake, looking rather pissed at the fragments of her shoes on the board.

...She then glares at me! "What did you do!? Those were my best pair!"

I wonder if this'll work… "Relax, yo. You have pretty feet."

…

"...P-pervert!" She started shooting bubbles at me! I sidestepped swiftly, but between the crap and the fact the attic was kinda tiny, I still got hit! Now I was wet!

"Hey-hey, watch the consumer goods, missy!" I look down at my wet robes. "You fairy fuck!"

She puts her hands to her ears, and sticks out her tongue. Cheeky little…

I run up to her and grab her by the shoulders while she was taunting. "That's it, girl. You're getting the vine treatment."

I march out through the hole on the roof, and stare into the vine-y abyss.

"W-what? No!" She started squirming lightly against my grasp, but couldn't do anything, seemingly.

I grin, and then I toss her. Ha! Serves you right!

…

She floats in the air, and flies away, never going down as I had intended.

…

I forgot they could do that.

"Haha! You suck, mister!"

I fold my arms. "Well, your shoes are mine now, girlie!"

"I'll just sit out here and wait for you to leave, and then I'll take them!" The fairy smirks triumphantly.

...Not the best plan, I'd say, but you can't fault her for thinking critically! "You do that!" I shout back.

I moved towards the board, and began gluing the shoes together. It took a bit, but after awhile I had what I could only describe as cobble-leather straplets.

I grinned. "It's ready."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====

END OF CHAPTER 20

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes due to an upgrade. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. After an enchanted sunflower was tacked on, it gained the ability to allow casting of Gaia Seed.

INVENTORY:

Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Upgraded to have a nozzle with which the weapon can be utilized as a flame thrower with. Improved once more to have a fuel tank, allowing it to cast Fume and have increased flame thrower capabilities.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Due to a dark amulet upgrade, it may be used to cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. Has a very situational instant-death dealing condition that, let's be honest, I probably couldn't fulfil; it's just there for world building. Help no.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Marks the wielder for death, dropping instant death resistance to zero and forces them to take 25% increased damage from all sources, but Flandre wasn't aware of the negatives when she created it. Different from the dark-elemental hanger in that this converts missing health into pure speed and none into power, and the increased damage isn't as punishing.

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out...

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

chapter freakin' twenty. we've come a long way, folks; and the end, to be honest, is nowhere in sight 'cause i got no freakin' idea what direction i'm takin' this story in

that's a healthy way to go about writing, isn't it? hehehyo~nk!

also yes, there are references to the band Sabaton and to the game Epic Battle Fantasy 4/series, amongst other things and obscurities that i probably don't remember myself very well by this point

i'd also like to say that i appreciate every reviewer- yes, even that one guy who made a bunch of alt accounts just to harass me; feedback is important to a content creator. that, and it feeds my ego!

so yeah thanks guys . w .

anyhow, fluffy freakin' days

as always, see you all next time!


	23. Surf's up, dudes! Taste the Bogus! Oof!

(in which we go vine surfing. awww, yeah~...)

I grinned. "It's ready."

…

"You already said tha~t!" shouted the water fairy from outside.

I whirled around to look at her, and she flew out of view. "I know tha~t! I was just repeating it for the readers- I mean, the avid reader downstairs...!" Must… not… break… the fourth wall!

Yukari's hand extended from a gap, handing me a note.

I looked down at it.

" _Too late, asshole._

 _~ Y.Y._ "

And then I sidestepped a bowling ball, which fell straight through the floor and audibly embedded itself in the floor of Rinnosuke's shop. A loud sigh emerged from the hole.

…

That's _not_ going on my tab.

In any case, I grabbed the board, and ran to the hole in the roof. Clambering out, I slipped off my sneakers and stuffed them into the sack, and slipped my feet into the incredibly awkwardly designed shoe-loafer-straplet-things.

The water fairy took notice. "Hey! Don't put your stinky feet in my shoes!"

I rolled my eyes. "They're freakin' destroyed, kiddo! Buy a new pair!"

"I hate you!" she shouted in response.

"Join the club!" I freakin' swindled Yuuka's line. That's how I roll, yo…

My feetsies now properly attached to the board, I try standing on it. I slowly slide down the roof, Flame Salvo igniting a bit of the top of the Kourindou…

"Hey, Rinnosuke! Get a bucket! The roof is on fire!" I shout behind me. I had to give the man _some_ warning, afterall…

I don't find out whether he heard me or not, however, when I'm forced to jerk the board forward when it begins falling from the roof. The bottom hits the tip of a vine…

...and my adventure begins!

Blam!

Holy shi~t!

I flew into the air, and I tried to apply the air-strafing mechanics I learned in Team Fortress 2 to my surfboard. It… doesn't really seem to be working. Sad face.

I begin falling toward a mass of vines, so I angle my board downward to meet one of them.

Blam!

A burst of violence and flames sends me sky high once more, soaring over the tops of some more minor trees. I see the Hakurei Shrine in the distance, and make that my first priority to reach…

Blam!

This is far faster than walking, by the way!

That stupid water fairy catches up to me. "...What are you doing!?" she shouts to me.

I glare at her. "What's it look like I'm-"

I begin falling, and I angle the board to connect with a vine…

Blam!

I fly back up to her level.

"...doing?" I finished awkwardly.

"Being stupid!" the water fairy snapped at me.

I was about to retort when I fell down again.

Blam!

...and then I went back up!

"I'm gonna hurt you!" Fairy girl, please, no.

She flew towards me in an attempt to ram me for whatever reason, but I angled the board towards her-

Blam!

Pi~chun!

Well, shit. Guess I'm heading to the lake now!

I saw the shrine whirl past me to my right. I was flying at freakin' stupid speed horizontally, and then I lowered near the vines, oh shit they're coming up fast and and-

Blam! Blam!

I was forced to angle the board in a way that completely offset my momentum, and actually made me go back towards the shrine. Bloody hell…

I aimed myself for the roof…

Blam!

The roof of the shrine went up in a blaze at the impact. Oops.

...Reimu was gonna need a new shrine after that one, unless Suika could put out fires with alcohol. Eheh…

In any case, I was making good progress towards the lake!

Blam!

...It's a nice night to be rocket jumping…

Blam!

I hear friends ahead…!

"...This is horrible!" I hear Daiyousei wail. "E-everything's going to get ruined!"

"What are you complaining about? They're fun to freeze!" Cirno exclaimed. "If I focus on one area enough, I can make an ice playground!"

Daiyousei looks up at her friend as if she had a moment of realization. "...That's it! You can freeze it all, Cirno-chan! Save our friends!"

It was at that moment that I soared into Cirno, the back of my board colliding with her skull.

Blam!

Pi~chun!

...I actually felt kinda bad about that one, but I guess it was their fault for flyin' so low!

Daiyousei was thrown back and forced to spin in place, flames licking her clothes, a horrified expression locked on her face.

...Also, holy shit I was going to be sick at this rate…

The collision with Cirno left my board spinning through the air like a bad Gmod prop…

Woo~ah, woo~ah, woo~ah…! The sky was going cra~zy!

Blam! I hit a regular tree at an awkward angle and stabilized, and-

Splash!

Boom!

Well, I was surfing for realsies for half a second, and then an explosion made me… not surfing. Help, no.

Flying across the lake, I noticed that the vines were even beginning to spread in the water. That was freakin' bad!

To prevent this atrocity, I aimed my board at a vine as I descended…

Blam!

An~d I was twirling through the air again, about ready to hurl. At least I wasn't doing flips, but shit, man…

Bam! Pow! Bam!

You know how you can throw a rock in a lake and it can kind bounce a little before finally falling in? Yeah, I was doing that right now. Except on a surfboard. While doing a fucking million-degree rotational spin. Oh yeah, and I was bouncing off a mass of writhing vines, too, not water.

Blam!

With one final blast, I soared over the manor gates…!

I neared the library, which seemed to once again have some sort of ward up- this time just near ground level. Vines were growing up the magical barrier a bit, so…

Blam!

I bounced off the barrier, by pure luck. If the front of my board hit it, I would have been fucked beyond belief!

Blam! I bounced in place on a vine…

Blam! I bounce towards one of the vines growing up the barrier…

Blam! Bam! Blam!

Shit, I did it wrong. Now I'm flying towards the sea of vines again!

Blam! I bounced towards the vines again…

Blam Bam! Blam!

Success!

I soared over the magical barrier, and collided with the roof.

Blam!

I blew a hole in it, and after flying upward in place, I fell in!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====

Patchouli rubbed her face tiredly. "...Well, we should have a week or so at this rate before the vines break in here. That should be more than enough time to conjure _something_ to remedy this…"

Meiling grimaced. "...These recent incidents have really not liked the mansion, have they?"

Sakuya nodded. "You can say that again…"

Like that, they all sat sorta glumly around one of Patchouli's study tables…

...which is when I landed on a nearby comforter chair!

Blam!

Everyone jumped at the sudden noise.

"M-mukyuu~!

"Oh, shit!"

"H-huh!?"

I flew up!

...and back down in place. That comforter chair was gonna get beat the _fuck_ up!

Blam!

"Mukyuu~!"

"What the hell…"

"...Christ…"

Screw this chair in particular!

Blam!

"M-m…" Patchouli finally contained herself.

Meiling looked towards me, only for her jaw to drop.

Sakuya looked towards me, only to shake her head at what she saw.

...Oh, yeah, I don't have any reliable way of getting off this crazy thing.

Blam!

The chair was nothing but rubble and some flaming bits, holy shit.

"Mukyuu~!" Patchouli, please!

Meiling walked towards the point of impact. "...Well, I'll be damned."

Sakuya stood cautiously behind her as she followed her. "...I don't know how, but…"

Blam!

I was just hitting the floor now. Help.

Patchouli let out a muffled sound from between her hands as she held them over her mouth.

"...He did it again." Sakuya finished her sentence.

…

Blam!

"Hey, uh… Friends?" I begin, at the apex of my ascension…

"Yeah?" Meiling looks up at me.

…

I'm gonna let myself hit the floor before I finish my-

Blam!

There we go…

"A little help getting off!?" I shout, mostly to Meiling. I assume Meiling can help me…!

Blam!

She promptly jumps up as I rise, and grabs the front of the board. Like that, she falls to the floor, landing powerfully on her feet, the impact creating cracks in the floor. She gently sets me down…

...but drops me a little abruptly right at the end.

Bam!

I was launched forward a little, and landed in Meiling's arms. This could have been a good ecchi moment, if the board didn't totally make this an awkward ass position to simply exist in. I woulda loved to try to 'accidentally' fall face first into her bust…!

Meiling doesn't know that, at least. Not like she could with this _big ass surfboard_ in the way!

I roll off her shoulder and onto the floor, and she grabs the board and properly removes me from the sandal-whatever-the-hells. She then puts it down upside-down so that the board wasn't prone to exploding any more. The concoction of things I used to hold the hangers on were now a mess of molten carbon…

I stand up, now barefoot, and dust myself off. "...Well, that went better than I had anticipated."

Meiling narrowed her eyes. "... _That_ was _better_ than anticipated?"

I grin and scratch the back of my head. "Look, yo, I coulda been freakin' gibbed or worse out there. But I wasn't! So enngh!"

Meiling gestured to the board. "How the hell did you even do that? Even Flan-chan's not as creatively destructive on her off days…"

An echoing "I heard that!" came from Flandre elsewhere in the library.

I shrug. "I dunno yo. It was a story… **for glory**!"

Yeaaa~h! Sub-section title drop! That's a wrap, folks! We're done here! Call me barefoot robe wizard man! I clap my hands together and dance in place…! Spittin' supa hot fia', yo!

Sakuya rose a brow. "...I guess this means you didn't find the weed spray, then."

...Rinnosuke _probably_ had some. I just didn't ask.

I didn't care, either! "Sakuya, I feel accomplished. So accomplished infact that when this chapter is over, I now have another stupid subtitle to add to my title thing!"

She closed her eyes. "Please, don't."

I danced to the right to avoid another bowling ball from above. Yeah, fuck you, Yukari!

Promptly, a gap opened while I was dancing, and a hand came out and grabbed my ankle. I was then tripped, and I fell to the floor.

"...Now that was just uncalled for!" I declare, sticking a finger up from the floor.

...On the upside, I can stop calling everything A STORY FOR GLORY even though I barely had things that I could consider glorious or story-ous…

I stand up from the floor again. "Alright guys, what's the scoop? How long until the world fucking ends and we all die a horrible, tentacle-rape induced death?"

…

Sweet silence. Was it something I said?

"...About a week, or so." Patchouli grimly replies.

That sucks!

I move towards the front door of the library, wherever it was. "I'm gonna go observe the scene, yo."

"Don't bother. There's wards around the library for a reason, and you won't see much except for vines." Patchouli tries to deter me, if only to keep me from fucking with the wards, probably.

I wave her off. "Look, how bad could it possibly be? I saw them vines out there, and they were lean, mean, and green. But not very lean, and you could debate that they were earth green instead of green. They were definitely mean, though." I had _no_ idea where I was going with that paragraph.

"...You're an idiot." Patchouli states simply.

I turn to her and grin. "Takes one to know one, yo."

With that, I continue to the front door!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I stand at the door. Meiling was cautiously behind me, and Sakuya was there too. I bet Patchouli was floating somewhere in the background, too.

"Look, guys, I'm not gonna break this ward of yours. I like living too! See?" I wave my arms a little.

No one responds!

"...Tough crowd tonight, huh? Geesh…" I walk up to the door, and open it.

...Through the pale blue tint of the ward, I see lots of browns and yellows. All the vines were dead.

…

Wh~at!?

I walk up to the ward and put my hands on it. "What the hell!?"

Meiling and Sakuya cautiously step up behind me, and they look like they don't know what to think either.

…

I start banging on the wards. "Freakin'..."

...Flames began licking past the barrier.

...I stopped banging on the wards. "On second thought, maybe it'd be cool if we just chilled out in here for uh… I dunno, a week? That sounds about right…"

Meiling blinked repeatedly, then ran towards Patchy, who was just like thirty feet away. "Patchouli-sama! Water! All of it, outside, now!"

"W-what?" Patchouli rasped out, not expecting to use her vocal chords so soon.

I slowly edged away from the doorway. Eheheh…

Sakuya took out a handkerchief and wiped her forehead. "...This week so far has, at large, sucked."

Meiling glanced back for that one statement, "Tell me about it-" then back at Patchouli. "Water! Outside! Quick!"

Patchouli looked frazzled. "A-a… I-I can't just break the barrier that fast... I have to properly decast it."

I knew the perfect way to undo that!

I whistle!...

Okay, nevermind, turns out I suck at whistling.

Instead, I just yell like an asshole. "Aaaaaa~hhh!"

…

Sakuya blinks and just stares at me, dumbfounded. "What the _hell_ was that all about?"

Flandre floats up to the scene! "W-what's going on? I heard yelling…"

I point at the glowing barrier bit exposed by the door. "Flandre, we need you to destroy this shiny barrier before the entire mansion goes up in an inferno!"

"W-what?" Flandre blinked, processing my sentence.

"I need you to 'kyuu' the thing with the glowing and-and…" I trail off, pointing repeatedly at the barrier shimmering through the door.

She shakes her head no. "Patchy told me no breaking that barrier!"

Why must everything be like pulling teeth!? "She wants it down, it's fine! Do it!"

She flinches back. "Don't shout at me…"

Eeeegh… "...Sorry."

… She turns to Patchouli. "...Is it really okay?"

She nods. "Y-yes, yes…"

She turns to the barrier and squints. "...I really don't want to. I don't particularly enjoy being known as destructive, you know…"

Holy shit, destiny is against us today. God is dead.

I throw my hands in the air. "Whelp, I tried. It's not my mansion, anyway…"

Sakuya's turn start! "L-little mistress, no one would think less of you if you just-"

"No, Sakuya. It's a personal thing." Flandre turned her head.

"...As you wish." Sakuya sighed.

Meiling's turn start! "...Flandre, if you don't destroy that barrier, the mansion will burn down, and you will achieve the opposite of whom you want to be, even if inadvertently."

Flandre shook her head. "I know there's vines outside! You guys can't trick me!"

For the love of fuck…

Patchouli flew up to Flandre and grabbed her by the head. "J-just destroy my barrier already! It-it's a test of skills, or something! Please!"

Flandre squinted skeptically at Patchouli. "...I dunno, you sound different than usual…"

I pull out Quake Bloomer. "Alternatively, we could just inflict as much violence as realistically possible!"

Buffing myself, I charge at the barrier!

…

Ping! "Shieut!"

Meiling gets the idea, and runs up to the barrier. Then, she kicks it.

Ping!

Sakuya sends a barrage of knives at the barrier.

Pi~ng!

Patchouli lethargically flailed her arms. "M-magic missile!"

Ping!

"Magic m-missile!"

Ping!

"Magic miss~ile~!"

Fwoosh…!

Boom!

The barrier ripples against every impact, but nothing seems to be happening.

"Hyaa~h!" Meiling gives the barrier a mighty uppercut.

Pi~ng!

"Your life is mine!" Sakuya shouts decisively as knives zip from parts unknown to meet the barrier.

Pi-pi-pi~ng!

Sakuya, I would like to add that barriers do not have lives to give.

"Magic missile barra~ge!" Patchouli wails.

Bam! Boom! Blam!

Now it was my turn again!

"C'mere, son…" I rush it with the Quake Bloomer.

Ping…

"Yeah, fock you." I proceed to kick it with my sneaker.

Ping…

Flandre steps up. "I might not wanna kyuu it, but…"

She pulls out the hilt of Laevateinn. "I wanna join in, too!"

We all step back a bit as she runs towards it. "Haa~h!

Blam! Kaboo-Bam-Bam-Bo-B-B-Boo~m!

The barrier began cracking as Flandre's stick of explosions went to work on it.

Crr-k-k…

Blam! Boom! Bam! Blam!

Crr~k-k-k….

Blam! Blam! Bam! Boom!

...Sha~tter!

...Replicating the sound of glass breaking is a bitch.

In any case, the barrier was down, and now we were all exposed to the crackle of flames outside, and the immense heat.

"Water! Wa~ter!" Meiling roared, doubling back further.

"Right…" Patchouli rasped out. "Water Sign! Bury in Lake!"

Patchouli held up her hand, letting the spell's power flow. At first it came as a trickle of blue lasers, but then as she floated towards the flames, a tidal wave of orbs gushed forward. As it collided with the flames, the orbs collapsed into water, dowsing the flames.

Like that, the spellcard continued to repeat that process and Patchouli worked her way outside the library's doors, slowly doing away with the inferno outside.

I stared at the glow of the orbs for awhile; blue was a fun color…

...but uh, my thoughts drifted to the name of the spellcard.

"Bury in Lake. An apt and creative name." I announce, nodding as if satisfied.

Patchouli was a bit too busy doing her thing to hear me make fun of her spell. Probably for the better!

Sakuya shrugged. "I actually didn't know she had that one… but I think I agree."

I suppose everyone thought of Princess Undine as Patchouli's go-to water spell, but she actually had three purely water-elemental cards. Hmm.

...the rather bluntly named Bury in Lake being one of them.

Flandre marched in from outside, soaking wet with her mob cap draped over her eyes.

They say Sakuya's skin grew ten times paler that day. "L-little mistress!?"

Sakuya ran up to her and adjusted her mob cap so she could see her eyes.

"..." Flandre looked _real_ tired of our shit. "I'm… g-gonna go warm up…"

Meiling looked concerned. "...L-let me help-"

"No, t-that's okay, Meiling... I'll just g-go light Patchouli's study on fire... or something." Flandre declined Meiling's offer, walking more conservatively than normal, which I presumed was from being chilly.

Sakuya and Meiling both looked quite alarmed. "Flan-chan!" "Little mistress!"

They both followed her, bargaining with her as she slowly walked off in the direction of Patchouli's study.

I looked back to the door, and it looks like Patchouli was doing a good job of putting out all the flames. Fortunate, because I think it'd bore me to death to have to watch the mansion get rebuilt again after some sort of fire related catastrophe. Remilia really ought to use stone to build, like I did when I made crap on Minecraft.

I also cringe at even referencing Minecraft, because the typical association with that game is… eeeaagh!

...But for reals, if Remilia had a castle or something, that'd be harder to blow the fuck up.

Patchouli finishes up her duties and floats back in while I probably spent way too long mentally monologuing to myself again.

"...Some of the halls were lost, and the library's walls were almost compromised, but it's under enough control now…" Patchouli sighed. "...I need a rest after that."

I snapped my fingers. "I should lead the construction teams!" It would be the best thing since... the best things! Instant hype!

"Yeah, whatever." Patchouli floated away, a tired expression on her face. Freakin' brain blasted, yo…

While everyone was off doing their things, I was going to take this opportunity to try and rouse the fairies for reparations! I dunno if they'd listen to me or not, but y'know… no harm in trying.

Y'know, I wonder how that whole vine incident went for whoever solved it…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: HOW THAT VINE INCIDENT WENT AGAIN: REIMU'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Marisa, Mokou, Kaguya, and I all flew towards the place where we previously encountered that smelly plant abomination.

"Let's kick its fucking plant ass!" Mokou roared, Eirin's cure for the vine poison already taking effect.

"It's going to rue the day it interrupted the free time of Kaguya Houraisan!" Kaguya announced, pumping herself up too.

...Do these two ever calm down, or what? I guess they can afford to be so hot-headed, being immortals and all.

I stare a little anxiously at our two 'MVP's as they were, when Marisa floats near me and pats me on the back. "Relax, Reimu. If this goes bad, we can just spam barriers and chug health potions. I brought a few my dad had in stock!"

Last time I chugged health potions, I was in the bathroom for two hours, and my stomach felt like a drill pierced it and left the job half finished. I'd rather not repeat that, if I can.

Marisa reads the look on my face. "...Well, just spam barriers then, I guess."

Then I'd be chugging mana potions, if you brought any. That's pretty much the same thing.

"...These vaccines better not have any adverse side effects, either." I comment. Eirin vaccinated us for the poison the vines produced, and I had a feeling there was some kind of drawback. I don't know what, yet…

"Side effects? From a drug produced by Eirin? I doubt it, ze. Not unless she intended-"

Kaguya cuts in. "Oh, you bet there's side effects. Eirin may be a masterful doctor, but she's also a very curious one. Those vaccines were not strictly vaccines for the vine's poison- chances are, a number of other drugs and chemical compounds are also in the mixture- mostly innocent ones for testing purposes, and only a few she think would create cross-over side effects with other drugs."

I…

Well, shit.

Marisa narrows her eyes. "How do you know, ze…?"

Kaguya rolls her eyes. "I live with her, dumbass."

Pft.

Marisa nods. "Well… crap. If I become a bimbo for a day again, I'm gonna hurt someone."

Oh yeah, _that_ time was quite troublesome. I almost considered it an incident at the time, but it was only happening to Marisa, so it wasn't quite qualified…

…

W-wait, what if that happens to me!?

Kaguya giggles. "I doubt behavioral effects would take _this_ long to kick in. I think."

Not helping…

Marisa looks at my horrified expression, and giggles. "Heheh… It's not that bad, ze. I bet Alice would be able to bail us out of that one. I mean, she was there for the last one, too."

Not helping! "Look, can we stop speaking of stupid things and actually find this stupid youkai?"

Marisa laughs and points at me a bit, before calming down. "Hahaha! Alright, alright… You're blushing, y'know, Reimu?"

I-I don't care!

Kaguya turns to me and smirks. "Oh, my. Does the Hakurei miko-"

"Not a word out of you, princess. You spend hours a day doing literally nothing but stare at a screen." I deadpan.

"F-fufufu…" Kaguya puts on a brave face and laughs, but I feel like I hit a nerve somewhere.

"Yeah, fuck you, Kaguya." Mokou adds completely unnecessarily.

"What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Lunarian Bunny Corps, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Earth's space program, and I have over three-hundred million confirmed kills. I am trained in super bunny warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire Lunarian armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another tar-"

Mokou interrupts her. "Calm your fucking tits, bitch princess! Goddammit!"

Kaguya almost talked so long that I completely tuned her out by this point.

The two brew as we continue searching. Where the hell could the plant youkai even be?

Marisa scratches her cheek idly. "Wouldn't the top sniper be Reisen?"

"I will shit fury and you will drown in it!" Kaguya abruptly yells.

"Calm the fuck down, and stop fucking swearing!" Mokou demands, while cursing like a sailor.

You've got to be… "Look, you two. Take out your inner puberty on the plant youkai when you see it. Maybe it'll even be annoyed enough that it'll stop the incident entirely."

Marisa smirks. "Maybe you can bleed on it…!"

Kaguya bares her own smirk in turn. "Hah! Immortals… do~n't, ha~ve, perio~ds!"

Seriously? Spoiled brats.

Marisa's eyes widen. "W-what!? Seriously!?..." She brings a hand to her chin. "...How do you have children, then?"

Kaguya scoffed. "Who the hell actually wants to have children? Bachelor forever, baby!"

...In retrospect, an immortal baby would probably be the stuff of nightmares. How would it even age? Would it be half immortal?...

Ugh, these are the questions I shouldn't be thinking about when I'm on the hunt for youkai!

"I don't even need condoms!" Kaguya adds.

"You don't even have sex." Mokou elaborates.

Kaguya sticks up a middle finger. "Yeah, well fuck you!"

"Buuaaa~gh!" comments the- What the…!?

Suddenly, we stop flying as the plant monster shoots from the Earth below without any warning. A large red flower sits atop its 'head' like the time we had witnessed it before, two leaf-like appendages taking the place of arms at either side. Flower-tipped vines of various sizes, shapes, and colors rose to the sides of the youkai.

...There was that fucking smell again… "Ugh…"

Mokou reels back. "That's fucking _rank_."

Kaguya furrows her brows, but nothing more. "...That's actually worse than the times I forgot to take the trash out of my room for a whole month. That's impressive!"

"Kaguya, you're disgusting." Mokou glares at her.

Kaguya flails her arms. "You- you're a forest hobo! You're calling _me_ disgusting!?"

Do these two have an off switch?

"It smells like death…" I comment, bringing my hand to my face to plug my nose.

Marisa sniffs the air. "...Nope. Still only a little."

That's a bit worrying, but I suppose I can get Marisa to get a check up for her sense of smell later.

"Kaguya, don't make me-"

"Will you two be quiet!?" I snap. "Look, if you're frustrated, just go hit that plant youkai! Just stop talking!"

Mokou glances at me irritably, but huffs. "Fine…"

Kaguya rolls her eyes at me. "Excuse me, 'plant youkai'? This is very clearly a rafflesia, a very rare flower from the-"

"It's living and pissed at us, and we're pissed at it. Good enough reason to kill it." I argue.

Kaguya raises a brow. "You humans sure are interesting sometimes…"

She says that as if she's not just as bad if not worse. I don't know what she does in front of that screen all day, but the way I see it, it's not entirely healthy for sentient beings, I'm sure.

Mokou engulfs herself in flames. "Take this!"

"Forgiveness! Honest Man's Death!"

A plethora of blue bullets wash over the flowers aside the flower youkai, cleaving through the flower-tipped vine tentacles. A wave of dark bullets then made their way to the monster…

...to little effect.

"Of all the spells you could have used…" I begin. "...you had to use a non-fire elemental one."

Within moments, the spellcard was over.

...Mokou scratches the back of her head. "Damn. What the hell's this thing made out of?"

"Plant matter. It burns. Please just use fire." Idiot…

Suddenly, Marisa decided to add her two-cents. "Maaaster… spaaaa~rk!"

Vrrrrr!

…

Like last time, the youkai simply reeled back after taking the brunt of the laser, and repositioned itself to where it was previously.

"...No harm in trying, right?" Marisa confirmed.

"My turn!" Kaguya floated up haughtily, if you could even do such a thing.

"Divine Treasure! Salamander Shield!"

Kaguya summoned an orb of flames around herself. Flaming lasers shot out all around it… but weren't aimed, for whatever reason. I remember them being aimed.

"This spellcard has been optimized for defense!" Kaguya gloats. "I will never be touched, now!"

Well, isn't that just perfect?

"...Marisa, behind me…" I utter, readying to cast more barrier magic.

"Righto, ze." Marisa seems to have known something like this would happen.

"Cautionary Barrier!"

I construct a glowing, blue, rectangular ward from holy magic.

The leaf arms of the plant youkai suddenly stiffen and adjust themselves into a strictly vertical position, from which they are then launched from. One flies towards Kaguya at blinding speed, but is vaporized promptly by her shield of flaming danmaku.

The other leaf-

Pi~ng!

-collided with my barrier, becoming lodged in it. It had embedded itself a worrying depth…

"Those leaves pack a punch, ze…" Marisa comments, blinking at the barrier as it fades and the leaf drops to the ground.

"Divine Spirit! Fantasy Seal!"

Multi-colored orbs of light orbit around me, and I order them to strike the plant before us.

Choo! Choo! Choo- Fwash, Fwash, Fwash, Fwash!

…Doesn't seem to have done much of anything.

"Immortal Fire-Bird! Flying Phoenix!"

Mokou is engulfed in flames as a large, flaming phoenix comprised of danmaku orbs soars towards the youkai.

Squelch!

"Geechk!"

Chlorophyll flies from the beast as it reels back, igniting.

Another phoenix of flame flies towards the youkai…

Squelch!

"Geehh-heck!"

The plant was engulfed in an inferno, quickly burning away faster than it could regenerate.

"Bu~rn!" Mokou screamed.

A barrage of danmaku phoenixes soared outwards. Only the wings of two actually clipped the plant youkai; non-directional spellcards and all…

"Ghuuhuck!"

Splash!

A fountain of chlorophyll jetted into the daytime sky, as jagged vines erupted from below all around us, but none actually raised high enough to harm us. The flames incinerating the youkai quickly spread to the vines below.

...Now we had a forest fire on our hands. Great. At least the powerful youkai was exterminated, but still…

"...Ooo~h, that's uh… bad…" Marisa awkwardly eyed the inferno.

The vines rapidly turned brown in a wave from where the youkai died, only serving to create a path of highly flammable kindling for the blooming inferno.

Mokou blinked at the fire she started. "...U-uh… Sorry?"

Kaguya laughed. "Mokou, look what your peasant-tier skills have wrought! Now you will be a wanted criminal across all Gensokyo! Do not fear, Hakurei miko, for I will be the one to cleave her head from her shoul-"

Thwack!

"Shut up and start putting out the fire!" I yell at the two troublesome immortals.

"R-rude…" Kaguya rubbed her head.

"H-how? It's already spread so far…" Mokou looks a bit awkward over the whole 'accidentally started a fire' thing, as she should be, I suppose.

...I sigh.

"Find some buckets. We're gonna be here awhile." Hell, maybe Kaguya can use one of her impossible what-have-yous as a bucket or something...

Marisa guffaws.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Marisa, Kaguya, Mokou, and I all sat around the charred remains of the Hakurei Shrine. I don't know how or why, but it also was a blazing inferno when we found it. Suika was lying under a pile of collapsed walling when we found her, but she was totally fine, as expected.

"...I don't even know what happened here." I vainly gazed at Suika. "I'm just going to assume you got overwhelmed by mighty fire demons or something, because this place was a disaster. Seriously…"

Suika rubbed the back of her head. "Ahah… Look, Reimu! I woke up… and the place was on fire!"

Pfft. "Right…"

"It's true!" Suika huffs, folding her arms.

"Sure, sure…"

This was definitely Suika's fault.

We all sat around a pile of wooden rubble, the heat of the embers on it actually making an adequate replacement for a kotatsu at the moment. It would be shortly that it cooled down, though, so it'd be problematic again later…

"...At least I didn't do it this time." Mokou smiled casually.

"Doesn't change the fact my shrine burned down." I deadpanned.

"...Right. Sorry."

Damn straight.

Kaguya smirks, critically examining Mokou. "Cat got your-"

Thwack!

"You two can go have angry sex back in Eientei when I finish writing the incident report. For now, be quiet." I instruct them after I whack Kaguya to shut up her annoying instigating.

"W-wha~t!?"

Marisa reels back in laughter. "H-holy crap, ze! This never gets old!"

==== INCIDENT COMPLETED: THE VILE VINE VILLA OF VILLAINY… AND THE LETTER V ====

Incident Summary

Marisa Kirisame had observed rogue sightings of vine growth near her home. After consulting the magus Patchouli Knowledge on how to deal with the affair, additional information from various others contributed towards the investigation of the event.

A team comprised of Reimu Hakurei, Marisa Kirisame, and Matt _ were sent as the initial investigatory team, and had sighted vines all across Gensokyo in their travels. After engaging with a plant youkai, Reimu eventually gathered reinforcements. The aiding persons were Fujiwara no Mokou, and Kaguya Houraisan.

This incident was resolved successfully by Reimu Hakurei, Marisa Kirisame, Fujiwara no Mokou, and Kaguya Houraisan. Additional support lended by Patchouli Knowledge, Remilia Scarlet, and Matt _.

==== INCIDENT COMPLETED: THE VILE VINE VILLA OF VILLAINY… AND THE LETTER V ====

With that, Mokou and Kaguya left the charred wreckage to do their own things.

"...Want me to uh… help get a team for the rebuild again?" Marisa proposed.

I nodded. "Yeah. Fairies, preferably; they're easy to bribe."

"Mmm…" Marisa hums as she flies off in search of fairies to fairy-nap.

Today was a mixed bag. I still want to know what possessed me to name the incident something so ridiculous... but I think the more important thing is rebuilding the shrine, right now. If this keeps up, I'm going to need a safe or a glove-box or something to keep some supplies in...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

I bang two pans together in the front lobby, hopefully attracting the attention of the idle fairy maids.

...Nobody was really paying attention. Most fairies were milling about, talking, or… actually yeah, that's all they were doing.

...Where the hell did Komi and Koi go earlier? I swear they were around when Flandre and I went to go tangle with the plant woman, bu~t…

I banged the two pans together again. "Friends! Comrades! Amigos!... Fookin' douchebags!" Despite my calls, no one gave a shit.

"Help me do things and you get a free lottery ticket!"

I get a few funny glances, because I think they don't know what the lottery is. Eheh…

I wonder if the kitchen exists yet. To find out, I embark on a mansion-crawling quest!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Apparently, it does!

...Kinda.

I'm currently standing in the half-built kitchen, which is filled with dead vines and rambunctious fairy maids.

To my left, I saw at least five fairy maids ripping open big bags of sugar and pouring it on each other and thrashing around in it.

"Cuddly." I intellectually noted.

As fun as it would be to join in, I had other plans.

I moved to the fridge, and opened it only to find nothing but some water and chicken nuggets in it.

"Fluffnuggets." I remark, closing the fridge.

I then turned to some of the crates near the fridge. Opening one up, I found bags of flour.

...About what I had anticipated, but c'mon, there had to be _something_ good in all these boxes...

I rip another open to find lots of silverware. No sporks, though. Tsk, tsk, tsk…

I rip open another to find some white and red canisters- hold on…

Hold the bloody phone…

Oh. Oh, yes…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I banged two pots again in the lobby once more, this time with a small table setup with glasses of Kool-Aid.

"Help me out, and you'll get free Kool-Aid!" I yell, banging the pots together again.

Clank, clank, clank!

...No one gave a shit, _'cause dey didn't know what Kool-Aid was_ …!

Alright, that's fine. "You, friend."

I point to a random navy-haired maid. "...Hi?"

I take a glass of Kool-Aid and walk up to her. "I'm friendly."

"...O-okay…" She blinked, looking awkward. Other fairy maids were standing behind her, giggling.

Quickly, I brought the cup of Kool-Aid to her mouth. A bit too quickly, because most of it ended up on her instead.

"W-wha-!?" The maid shrieked in panic as I tried to force the cup in her mouth.

"Calm down and drink the bloody Kool-Aid!" I then wrestled with her to keep the cup in her mouth, trying desperately to hold my arm in place.

Gulp...Gulp!

I ripped it from her mouth, and the glass flew into wherever-the-hell.

Shatter!

"...We~ll?" I made a smug expression as her friends surrounded me and began restraining my arms.

"W-why…" She looked intimidated for a moment, backing away, before pausing. "...O-oh…"

Some fairy maids got in my face. "What the hell'd you do that to Paul-chan for, huh!?" barked a red-haired fairy maid who grappled the front of my collar.

"Stupid human!" A teal-haired maid started pulling on one of my arms.

"Idiot!"

"Leech!"

I looked from the group to see the unfortunately named Paul-chan rush to the Kool-Aid stand.

"Only now… have I truly won!" I dramatically exclaim, struggling my hand from the teal-maid's grasp. "Behold! The Keyblade has been forged!"

Paul-chan's friends looked at her as she held up an entire pitcher of Kool-Aid and began guzzling it.

Gulp...Gulp...Gulp...Gulp…

...She, uh… she had some lungs, didn't she?

Gulp...Gulp...Gulp...Gulp…

...You can breathe now, I'm impressed enough.

Gulp...Gulp...Gulp...Gulp…

Jesus fuck.

Gulp...Gulp...Gulp...Gulp…

She's gonna drink the entire thing!

Gulp...Gulp...Gulp...Gulp…

"Somebody stop her!" I exclaim, struggling to break from the maids' grasps. It was easy enough; they were as baffled as I was.

Gulp...Gulp…

She smashed the pitcher on the counter.

Cra~sh!

"...Haa~h…"

Uhm…

She turned to me, her pupils contracting slowly, her face slowly forming a smile.

A smile that just kept getting bigger.

"...Hello?" I waved a hand in front of her.

...I didn't think someone could smile that wide. That's creepy.

I grab her shoulders and begin nudging her, and she cooperates. I move her from the Kool-Aid stand to the other end of the lobby, and her friends follow cautiously behind me, looking oddly terrified.

"Alright kid, speak to me. How many fingers am I holding up?" I hold up three fingers.

…

Paul-chan started shaking.

...

"Hyaaa~AAAA-"

Pi~chun!

Boom!

Paul-chan exploded into a violent blast of gravity, leaving me and the fairies suspended in mid-air for a few moments. The blast widened to encompass the whole room, and we were all left floating. The fairy maids didn't find this problematic, as they just began flying as they normally would.

Me, however?

"...Help!" I shout, flailing my arms as I slowly float towards the ceiling.

Paul-chan's friends just stare at me, and then the red-haired one slowly shakes her head.

"...You guys suck."

I eventually reach the ceiling, and I kick off it to slowly drift towards the Kool-Aid, which too had begun floating.

...Some of it was even floating out of the cups! I opened my mouth to capture some of it…

The front door was kicked open, a tired Meiling and Sakuya dragging their feet as they walked in. Quickly, they too were rendered immobile in the zero gravity zone.

"...Okay, what the hell happened in here?" Sakuya tiredly asked as she drifted towards the chandelier. She stopped herself naturally with her flight abilities, though. Fookin' cheaters.

I swallowed the Kool-Aid, looking pleased. "Fairy fun." I provided.

"...Sure."

Meiling air-swam her way through the room. When she reached the other side, and proceeded through an open door, she fell to the floor.

Thud.

"...This place really let itself go, huh?" she stated. "Good night."

Sakuya sighed. "I don't even know where to start when it comes to fixing this."

Suddenly, a warm light glowed within me. Orbs of light scattered around me, and all met at my chest.

Ting!

I blinked. "...Hey, I leveled up! What level was that, ninety-nine? One? Negative two?..."

I still don't know what the hell those did, but my EXP scaling's fucked. Ten years from now I'll level up again while me and some hot youkai girl are getting busy with it, and it's going to be super awkward. I just know it.

In any case, since no one seems to want to comment further, I think I'll just float about here for a little while and drink my zero gravity Kool-Aid.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Sakuya stood with that adorably unfitting hard hat as she instructed all of us at our tasks.

"While Meiling and I get to the bottom of the lobby's gravity problems, Brad here will lead you all as Construction Management and Production Manager." she explained.

...You see, I ma~y have told Sakuya that I had a B.A. in Architecture and Building Construction. I may have also explained to her what that was, and acted like it was a really prestigious thing, and like I was a sort of de-facto authority on building construction. She didn't believe me at first… for a good, long while, but after at least thirty minutes of bullshitting and being indignant about her disbelief, she reluctantly consented to giving me this position.

It, uh… it went a little something like…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

" _...Mistress will not be pleased by the absolutely mediocre progress I've made on renovations…" Sakuya dismally talked to herself as she floated anxiously in the zero gravity environment of the lobby._

" _I could help with that!" I exclaimed as I slowly air-swam towards her._

" _No, you couldn't. Screw off." Sakuya dismissed me hastily._

" _Wooa~h! Them's fightin' words!" I ceased air-swimming and began rolling my fists as I drifted towards her, but she floated away easily. "Aa~w…"_

" _...Case in point."_

 _I wonder… "Y'know, I actually am a competent building designer."_

" _Hah."_

" _No, for serious." I held up a hand as I rebounded off the wall with my legs as I drifted against it. "I could even, like, draw you some schematics. I'm the real deal."_

" _Give me a break." Sakuya was still unbelieving._

" _Dude, in the outside world I had a Bachelors in Architecture." I grinned at her. "If anyone knows how to make a building stand tall and proud, it's me."_

" _What even is that?" Sakuya asks, tone vain and tired._

" _It's this thing where you spend four years outta your life becoming a professional at something. A degree, like my Bachelors, promises the quality of the person you're hiring. It's like… good." I ran outta words, yo._

" _I highly doubt you received any form of formal education." Sakuya deadpanned._

" _Yo, the outside world works different than how you might think. Edumacation be compulsory in America, where I come from." I argue._

 _Sakuya smirks. "You say that, but you talk like a delinquent."_

" _I never said it was a good education." Amen, me! "...but this is also a stylistic choice."_

" _Alright, sure." Sakuya didn't really buy that. Freakin'..._

" _...But still, Bachelors in Building Construction!" I proudly, uh… exist. Putting my arms on my hips while floating around like a maniac wouldn't really get the point across that I wanted to make._

" _Wasn't it in Architecture?" Sakuya narrows her eyes at me._

…

" _...I did both!" Oh, if Sakuya was from the modern outside, I'd be so toast right now._

 _Sakuya seems placated by the quick response, even if I did pause. "...Eight years in construction concepts, basically?"_

 _I nod. "Yes, exactly."_

 _She nods. "...I think... You might be suited for the job. Just don't screw anything up…"_

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

So, yeah. I basically got the right to lead a team of friendly fairy friends to friendily use friendship to befriend the… I can't keep that sentence going and use a variant of 'friend' every two words. You get the picture!

"I trust that this will be done without issue." Sakuya asserted her authority.

"Consider it done." I tried to keep a straight face for as long as possible…!

Sakuya began walking out of the room. As soon as she closed the door, I let a shit-eating grin show on my face.

"...Alright, friends, it's show time!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Two hours later, lots of hard work and effort had paid off.

"Jesus, take the wheel. I'm up shit's creek without a paddle."

I gazed merrily down the demented corridor I had created. What I did was have the fairies construct a technicolor hallway of various shades of wallpaper and rugs. Some sections were neon lime green, others were magenta, and the ceiling was cyan. It was beautiful; you shoulda seen the polka dots I had them begin painting midway through.

...It also wasn't really a corridor. I built, like, this spiraling ramp-way up above everything previously constructed, then I made a hallway over Remilia's room, then stretched the hallways at a gradual incline as far into the air as I could bring it until we ran out of materials outright. By the time we were done, the ramp had extended far over the rightmost wall of the manor.

...By all means, the laws of physics shoulda ruined our day, but y'know… Gensokyo.

I stood at the entrance to the hallway, admiring the stark contrast between the consistent scarlet design prior to my developments, and the abrupt change to 'technicolor shitshow'.

Sakuya walked out from behind the hallway with Meiling.

Meiling yawned. "...That took too long. We shoulda just asked Patchouli-sama from the beginning…"

Sakuya looked at her. "I agree. First time that's ever happened…"

Sakuya then looked down the technicolor portion of the hallway.

"...What the fuck?"

I grin and bow. "It is done, yo. It is done."

She runs up and looks around frantically. "...What the hell is this!?"

"Fun." I put my hands in my robe pock- they don't have conventional pockets. I forgot that was a freakin' modern thing.

Sakuya began dashing down the hallway, and was eventually obscured by that spiralled rampway I made.

"...Wo~w." Meiling examined the colors. "...You really let your, uh… creativity flow, didn't you?"

I nod. "It was creativetivetive."

"Right…" Meiling backed away and continued down the normal hallway.

...Also, if you were wondering what happened to the fairy construction workers…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: SETSUNA'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Oh, no!

Merry-chan and all my friends were scraping at the walls to the manor, but it's no use!

Left of me, my friend Wasa-chan was organizing a group fairy-ladder…

"Alright, kiddos! All aboard! T-that means all of you!" Wasa-chan shouted, strained due to the mass of fairy companions on her back.

Leaf-chan climbed up the ladder, and leaped onto the wall

Pi~chun!

The spikes at the top killed her!

More fairies climbed up desperately, but…

Pi~chun!

Pi~chun!

Pi~chun!

"N-no~!" I wail, witnessing the horror. Chief was gonna be _pissed_!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

...I kinda used the supply cart to mass-push them off into the abyss of trees off the side of the manor wall. Oops. It, uh… wasn't entirely intentional. Kinda. Not really. Okay, I did it just because I wanted to see what'd happen.

It was fun, but for some reason none of them seem to be back yet, giving me reason to believe that they not only forgot how to fly, but they also got eaten immediately by all the predators to have ever predated.

Sakuya teleported in front of me. "What did you _do_!?"

Ahah… "I made Rome in a day, friend."

Suddenly, knife danmaku. Ahhhh, ahhhh~!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I wake up in a nice, comfortable scarlet bed.

"...I-I still feel it…" I comment to myself. Danmaku fucking stings!

I try to stretch out to let my aching limbs relax, but something to my right blocks my limbs.

Freakin'...

I try to slide my limbs under it, but it's a little too heavy to be doing that. It's also not a wall, apparently. At least, I don't think so. It's not my pillow mechanization, that's for certain.

...Don't ask. I'll probably tell you anyway, though…!

Well, if you can't dig under the mountain, you might as well climb it! I moved my limbs over whatever-the-hell it was, which proved to be vastly uncomfortable. I don't know why I ever think this is a good idea.

Also, it seems I was still in my robes. Not entirely comfortable, but they were more like blankets than clothes, anyway. Still makes me feel a bit stiff, though.

...No, I don't mean a raging morning boner. Hyonk.

"...Maaauu~..."

...Oh, so that's _flesh_ I'm feeling with my arms and leg. A little hard to tell with the robe, to be honest. I suppose the uneven nature shoulda given it away, or something. I reach my hand out to feel something…

"H-hahh…!"

...I guess that's what I get for being hard-coded into doing these kinds of things to my pillow mechanization. I only have myself to blame!

"G-good morning… Brad-kun."

Ha-chan was alive again!

"I still have no freakin' clue how the hell you find me every time." I remark. Stalkers gonna stalk, yo. She's got a sixth sense or somethin'!

"...Very carefully." Ha-chan drowsily replies.

Touche. You have learned well, my disciple…

I look over to her and open my eyes, then realize the room is pitch bloody dark so I can't see anything at all.

"It's dark." I critically observe.

I hear Ha-chan nod as best she can against the pillow. "...Oh, no."

"Very dark." I confirm.

"...Oh, no!" Ha-chan shouts.

"Super dark! Oh, shit!" Engage panic mode!

"Ahhhh~!"

Yelling time! "Aaaahhh~!"

"Aaahhhh~!"

Suddenly, the door slams open, Sakuya looking tired as usual. "Hey, hey hey! No intercourse on the-"

"Aaahhhh~!" Ha-chan continues yelling.

A danmaku knife flies towards Ha-chan, and I move to block it with my hand!

…

Yeeoohoohooowch!

"...Aaaahh~!" I yell in genuine pain.

"Aaaahhh~!" Ha-chan continues yelling with me.

"Alright, that's it." Sakuya marches up to the bed, and outright flips the mattress over.

"Waaugh!" I shout.

"H-haahh~!" Ha-chan moans, for some reason.

I'd crawl out from under, but I'm kinda tangled in Ha-chan's limbs, the blanket, my robes, and uh… yeah. Everything's gone wrong!

"...Help." I squeaked.

I hear a loud sigh, and Sakuya pulls the mattress from us.

She blinks. "...Oh. You still have your robes on."

I chuckle. "Get your mind outta the gutter, you lewd maid!"

"It would be unfortunate if I had to put you to sleep for another eight hours." She threatens me with danmaku-induced harm.

Part of that was probably because my tanks were runnin' on empty anyway, but y'know, unconscious time is not fun time. Usually. Depends.

I move to break from Ha-chan, only to then realize she's uhm… exposed. Very.

A sight for the eyes, I must say! I need my 3DS camera!

...I'd describe things to you, but this is a family production! Go look up pornographic materials and erotic literatures on your own time, 'cause that's a boundary that I'm leavin' untouched today!

I pull out my 3DS. "Ha-chan, I want you to just lie on the floor like that and-"

Thwack!

"No." Sakuya begins tugging on the back of my shirt.

"What!? Sakuya, please! C'mon, Sakuya baby, don't do this to me!" I plead, flailing my legs to grab hold of something while my hands were occupied activating the 3DS camera.

"You're going to explain the new developments in construction to the mistress." Sakuya explained.

"Yo, no! Just five more minutes, yo ho ho~!"

But it was too late, yo. We were already in the freakin' hallway…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I sat at the tea table across from Remilia.

"...You _do_ realize how much of a waste of resources that was, right?" Oh, boy, she was already on the offense.

"...I dunno, yo. It seemed like a good idea at the time." It really did! "Besides, can't you just, uh… nevermind."

"What?" Remilia pressed.

"Nah, I don't think that-"

"What." Remilia glared at me.

Hnngh. "...Alright, here's a bad idea: Ask Yukari for more shit."

"...You're right, that is a bad idea."

"Because it'd be bad to ask her for more crap, I know. That's why I backtracked." Conversation ethics are annoying.

Remilia spent a moment sipping her tea. Times like these make me wish I had a Twix bar.

"...So, what can we do to fix this?" Remilia gazed at me. "This is your fault."

Hmm. "...We could leave it?" This won't work in a million years!

"...Yes, definitely. We'll leave the crappy technicolor mockery out there, staining our halls. No, we can't leave it!" Remilia snapped.

Geez, lady. Calm your five-hundred-year-old loli tits!

Y'know… "What's the actual problem; the architecture, or the aesthetic?"

"Both." Figures.

"Haha- which is the _bigger_ problem?" I stress.

"...Aesthetic." Remilia reluctantly admitted. "...I'll be honest with you; how the hell did you get that ramp to heaven to stay in the air? There's just no reason that should even exist."

I shrug. "You know, I honestly don't know. It's fluffy."

Remilia shakes her head as she raises her teacup to her mouth for more sippage. "Right…" Sip!

"...So, here's your fix; bleach the rugs, put up new wallpaper, and uh…" The thought just occured to me, but… "...If you seriously only had resources to build that one corridor that I made, then talking to Yukari again is pretty much like, inevitable."

Remilia sighed. "...Bah."

...Some say silence is golden. I say silence is fluffy.

"...Right, you can go. It's whatever; we can work around it, I'm sure. Not like you'd be any help actually executing any plans, anyway."

Woo! Kinda a jab at me, but still, nothing too terrible happened!

I walk outside the makeshift official-Remilia-room considering she had no throne room at the moment.

Sakuya was waiting for me outside. "...Bachelors in Architecture, huh?"

...Right.

I stick my arms up. "...Alright, I lied. I did receive some sucky free schooling, though! No degrees at the moment, however…" That will change in the future, minus the whole 'trapped in Gensakey' thing.

"...At least I know how trust worthy of a person you are, now." Sakuya, cease the salty behavior!

"Hey, it was too good to pass up. Besides, the aesthetic is an easy fix compared to other things you guys've had to do in the past. If the architecture's really that bad, I doubt you guys couldn't tear it down quickly." I argue.

"It's still a waste of important-"

Cough, "Gapped." Cough.

"-resources…" Sakuya finished, glaring at me.

More awkward conversational silence! Can't live life without a few… hundred.

"...I'm still not going to trust you after this." Sakuya insists.

I blink. "You trusted me to begin with?"

Sakuya furrowed her brows in annoyance. "You sounded actually serious for a moment there. I suppose you're a better liar than I thought… which isn't a good thing."

I shrug. "You'd be surprised, yo. You'd be surprised."

"I _was_ surprised." Sakuya replied. "And disappointed." I think you're thinking of angry, but…

"Were you surprised, though?" I wonder.

"...Yes, yes I was." Sakuya begins to look curious.

"So you were surprised?"

She sighs. "...Just shut up."

With that, she teleports away. Y'know what they say, you can't live life without pissing off everyone imaginable!

...Okay, that's not how it goes, but uh…

...Well, now what? I've reasonably upset everyone with fluffy antics and I literally have nothing else to do. I wonder if Ha-chan's still lying deliciously on the floor of that one room…

I backtrack to the room and open it. It's empty, and the bed's all properly made now. Dammit.

Down the hallway, I saw the three fairy chucklefucks coming down the hallway.

"...So that was how I fit a whole rolling pin up my-"

Komi cut in, cutting off Koi's fun story. "We were there! You don't need to keep telling us this story!"

Namori glances nervously downwards. "...H-how did you say it felt, again…?"

I walk up to them. "I assume painful, because rolling pins might aswell be abstract geometry as far as arses are arsed."

Koi walks up to me. "Hehey, Brad, there you are! Ha-chan's looking for you!"

Is she now? "Where is she, yo?"

"Hell." Komi adds helpfully.

Koi let a naughty grin form on her face. "She's in the lobby, hot and horny and waiting for some-"

"Okay, thanks!" I doubt Koi's descriptions were accurate!

I proceed to run off and look for Ha-chan. I don't think I need any more of Koi's perversion at this moment.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: HANA'S PERSPECTIVE ====

"Being a zero gravity vortex is weird…" Paul-chan builds on her story! "Like… you see… _everything_ … and it feels _amazing_..."

Reminds me of that time I got electroshock therapy! I need to do that again, sometime.

Brad comes barreling down the hallway all of a sudden! "Yo ho ho, Ha-chan! You're fluffy!"

I'm fluffy! "I'm fluffy!"

Brad ruffles my hair. "That you are!"

Hehahah!

…

Paul-chan gazes at Brad intently. "...Do you have any more of that red stuff?"

He pauses for a moment. "...I think I know where the canisters are, but uh-"

"Show me." Paul-chan flinches towards him and grabs his arm.

Hey! "Paul-chan, I had things I wanted to do with Brad-kun today!"

"Too bad. I need my fix." Paul-chan glared at me. That's not very nice…

Brad slowly peeled Paul-chan's arm off of his. "...Why don'cha ask Sakuya for some? I'm _sure_ she'll make you some…"

"I need it. Now." Paul-chan grabs his arm again and starts tugging.

Brad jerks his arm back forcefully this time. "Hey, missy, hands off the merchandise! I'm a workin' man, yo, I can't afford to shell out twenty months a buck- I mean bucks a month, for the International Kool-Aid Tax! Back off!"

Paul-chan keeps trying, so I move up and grab her from behind to restrain her. "Stop it, Paul-chan! He said no!" When people say no, they mean no!

"No means yes!" Paul-chan barks at me, clawing at my arms. Ouu~ch!

"Yes means no- I mean, no! No means no!" I tell her.

Paul-chan stomps on my foot. "No!"

Aaagh! "No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

Suddenly, Brad steps in and delivers a punch to Paul-chan's cheek, sending her sprawling out of my grasp and onto the floor.

"Guh!" Thud.

…

"...Paul-chan, you're being mean today! Go away!" I don't like it when my friends are mean to me…

Paul-chan stands up dizzily. "U-ugh… Look, don't make me… make you… show me the red stuff by force!"

Brad takes out Swift Brand. "Alright, yo. I'll show you some red stuff by force…"

Paul-chan puts her dukes up. "Try it, stupid human! I bet you don't even know how to-"

Thwack!

Brad slips Swift Brand back into his sack. "Nope."

Paul-chan spirals to the floor, and this time she decides to not get up. Sorry, Paul-chan…

…

Brad turns to me. "Alright, friend. What was this fun activity you had planned?"

Oh, yeah! "I wanted to go to the library!" The library's really big, and has lots of books, and even though Patchouli-sama is really mean, she's still cool! I'm one of the few maids to have found the fun book section too!

Brad nods. "Cool! What for?"

…

"...Stuff?" I hadn't thought that far ahead yet… "...We could take a look at the fun books."

"Fun books…" Brad murmurs. "Fluffy."

Yay~! Today was gonna be a great day!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We walked up to Patchouli's study desk!

Brad started talking. "Hello again, magical friend!"

Patchouli sighed. "What sick obsession do you have with deprecating my library?"

Brad furrows his brows. "Patchouli, you know I don't like defecating in public places. I was at least potty trained."

...You could be in the mansion and not be potty trained? Last time I checked, mistress Remilia made it a, uhm… 'beehive you're all' 'stan dart'. I don't know why all beehives would be Stan's darts, but whatever it was, it meant all maids had to know when, where, and how to go potty!

...It would have made more sense if she just said 'behavioral standard', but I'm sure I'm wrong about that. Mistress Remilia is very smart, after all!

"Somehow, I doubt that." Patchouli-sama still wasn't looking up from her book. "...Why are you even here today? What could you possibly have to do that requires you to come back here again?"

Brad turns and gestures to me. Patchouli-sama turns her stoic glare to me. S-scary…!

"...U-uhm… I-I wanted to show Brad-kun the fun book section…" I stammered out, staring at the floor.

"...Ah, you're that maid, Hana. They're called _picture books_ , mind you… and I suppose that's fine, if it keeps him out of my hair." Patchouli-sama recognizes me! But...

...That's weird. "...What does he do in your hair?"

Brad starts laughing, and Patchouli-sama smirks. "All sorts of perverted things."

"Pfft- I wish, yo. Not in this fanfic, I ain't!" Brad loudly declares.

Suddenly, he's stricken by a red rubber ball from some hole in reality with ribbons. Whatever that hole was, it was pretty!

"Ooo~h, Yukari's playin' hard ball…" Brad wheezes from the floor.

"...I dread asking." Patchouli-sama resumes reading her tome. She might not look it, but I notice her eyes stop whenever she's in a conversation, sometimes, at least.

...It's not worth bringing up, though. I turn to Brad! "...Come along, tired friend." I lift him in my arms and begin carrying him.

"Oof." Brad relaxes.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Dude, I didn't know Patchy had a copy of the ten little ladybugs!" Brad beamed with excitement. "I used to have this when I was freakin' tiny!"

He flipped through the book until he reached the page with no little ladybugs. "...And then there were none. Hyonk."

I was scribbling in a coloring book beside him. "How does it look?"

I hold up the crayon drawing!

Brad blinks. "...How the fuck do you even do that with crayons?"

What? "...By drawing?"

Was something wrong with it? I looked down at my drawing. Was something wrong with the rough pencil sketch look? I thought it fit the best...

"...And secondly; how are you a better pencil artist than me when you're using _crayons_?" Brad looks conflicted.

"I dunno!" I exclaim!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Dude, all I could draw with a pencil is some crappy porn and stick figures, meanwhile she's making some freakin rough pencil sketches of facial portraits with _crayons_! Not only that, but I definitely saw her use like half the box, yet the only color on the page is black!

How do you even do that!?

…

"You _wouldn't_ know." I snark at her.

"Nope." Ha-chan agrees with me, the insult flying over her head.

Flandre walks onto the scene! "...Hello!"

Ha-chan waves at her. "Hello!"

They were cuddly. "Hello, world." I added.

Flandre looks at me. "Hi, Brad!"

Ha-chan turns to me. "Hello!"

"Hello, world." I add again.

"I found a friend!" Flandre exclaims. She brings a hand to her mouth and whistles, yet another technique that I've failed to master and probably never will.

Suddenly, from behind the shelves came a tubby fluffle. It was like a normal fluffle, just bigger. It was as big as me!

"im chunky" it asserted.

"Hello!" Flandre greeted it. Oh boy, it's starting again…

Ha-chan looks at the tubby fluffle. "Hello!"

"Hello, world." I sigh after saying it…

"hi friends" it said.

"Hello!" Flandre, for whatever bloody reason, decided to greet it again.

"Hello!" Ha-chan, why.

…

Everyone turns to me, expecting me to say it again.

"...Freakin', yo!"

Flandre tilts her head. "...Hello?"

Alright, that's it. "No." I shake my head.

Flandre looks crestfallen. "...Aaww…"

Ha-chan looks to the floor, disappointed.

The fluffle's smile fades. "no one calls me tubby"

The fluffle proceeds to charge at me slowly. I step aside, and it headbutts a bookshelf directly.

Thunk!

As the fluffle recoils, the shelf begins to tip.

...Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam-Bam-Bam-Bam-Boo~m…

...A series of bookshelves had fallen over, a dust storm raging. The fluffle raised its fins excitedly.

"dust friends!" It held its mouth open ecstatically.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We all landed on the floor outside the library.

"And stay out, you childish neanderthals!"

Patchouli slammed the library door.

Flandre scratched the back of her head sheepishly. "Heheheh… Patchy's angry with us…"

The fluffle looked back and forth between us. "hey dont count me in im just chunky"

Flandre and the fluffle stared at one another, apparently starting a staring contest. Despite Flandre being an immensely powerful vampire, she would not win this staring contest, simply because fluffles do not blink unless they will it so; their eyes are apparently not organic. Nothing about a fluffle was really organic, if one thinks about it. Fluffy.

...Also, I'm bored! "I'm bored!" I announce.

Ha-chan turns to me. "...I wanted you to see more of the fun books today, but we got kicked out really early…"

I shrug. "We can look at 'em later, yo." I begin walking for the exit of the mansion, only to pause when I hear a commotion back with Flandre.

"Hwa~h!" The giga-fluffle tries to pounce on Flandre, and she just embraces it as if it tried to glomp her instead. "...You're dusty…" she comments as she sniffs the fluff.

Fluffy tidings.

With that, Ha-chan and I had left for the manor's entrance.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"fluffle nut stone" The fluffle sat a very jagged box on the counter. It looked like it was made of plastic.

"its the traditional fruit cake"

It's been awhile, hasn't it?

We were outside the manor, at the good ol' fluffle stand once again.

Ha-chan eyes the 'traditional fruit cake'. "...It looks like a toy…"

"its a fluffle nut stone" the fluffle insists. Then, it raises the box and munches it in three bites.

"delicious"

Ha-chan blinks. "...Aaww."

Friendly. "Hi, son."

The fluffle waved a fin at me. "hi"

I put my hands on the counter. "What's for sale, yo?"

The fluffle's smile ceases, and after a ginger moment of silence, it moves its forehead to nudge my hands off the counter.

…

"here, friend" The fluffle swipes its fins over the counter, laying out all sorts of awesome weaponry!... and by weaponry, I mean plant hangers.

Choices! I see…

That one rainbow technicolor rave party hanger was placed on the table. The day I got to use that is the day I'd… I don't even know, yo!

There was that headless whoever's hanger on the table. I haven't needed it so far, so uh… hmm.

A fruity looking plant hanger that I'd hazard was made from ceramic or something. It has a floral design to it- it reminds me of the decorations at my grandparent's house.

...This other one wasn't even a plant hanger, it's a freakin power drill of some sort. Doesn't seem to have a screw attached…

...And that's about it!

I point at the floral hanger. "Wazzit."

The fluffle raises its fins.

…

"...I meant 'what's that'." Stoopid freakin'...

"the Sweet Memories plant hanger! made from ceramic and enchanted to be many times stronger than its base components, it boosts the money dropped by enemies and forces enemies who dont drop money to drop money!" the fluffle explained. "however, you will hit far weaker with it and it reduces your magical capabilities; it boosts the effects of healing magic"

Pfft. The day I learned Curaga, Once More, or Auto-Life would be the day the world ended just to spite me for ever obtaining such broken abilities. Unless it boosts the effect of health potions, I'm not very drawn to the idea of boosting a magic type I probably can't cast.

...But the money boost? Hell yeah! "Give it to me, friend."

The fluffle stuck out a fin. "eight hundred fifty thousand yen, friend"

...

Ne~vermind, I'd need to conquer a small country just to be able to afford the fucking thing.

I point at the power drill. "Why."

The fluffle ignores my question. "its a power drill, and it hurts! will run out of batteries eventually"

...That's it? "...Alright, then. Gimme a price, friend!"

"seventy five thousand yen" It smiled.

"..." I lean over the counter and glare at the fluffle. "I'll rip off your head and shit down your neck."

Seventy five thousand for a power drill!?

Ha-chan nervously steps up behind me and puts a hand on my shoulder. "Brad-kun? Maybe we should just leave…"

I sigh. "Yeah, alright, yo. This place is bunk." I spit on the ground in front of the stand. "You'll never work in this town again, do you hear me, sir fluffy face the fuckteenth!?"

The fluffle was still smiling. "snug space"

Ha-chan and I left the stand, walking away. Well, I was more accurately stomping away. Freakin' outrageous pricing...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 21

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes due to an upgrade. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. After an enchanted sunflower was tacked on, it gained the ability to allow casting of Gaia Seed.

INVENTORY:

Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Upgraded to have a nozzle with which the weapon can be utilized as a flame thrower with. Improved once more to have a fuel tank, allowing it to cast Fume and have increased flame thrower capabilities.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Due to a dark amulet upgrade, it may be used to cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. Has a very situational instant-death dealing condition that, let's be honest, I probably couldn't fulfil; it's just there for world building. Help no.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives that I mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations… Different from the dark-elemental hanger in that this converts missing health into pure speed and none into power, and the increased damage isn't as punishing.

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out...

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

christ this summary thing minus the authors note is like 1 k words in and of itself, and i dont think anyone really reads it by this point (but it's a nice rollcall of things anyways)

was originally gonna stuff the rafflesia battle into 21.5 (or 24) but felt it fit better here

yeah the rafflesia thing is an Epic Battle Fantasy 4 reference again; they're fun bosses, yo.

as always, see you all next time!


	24. Wish You Were Here! From Golden Grin

(by the way it's MATTHEW'S PERSPECTIVE again hyonk)

I sat at the kitchen table again, just as I had done for the past few days. Gustavus once again attempted to stand up, and I moved my hand to tip it back over.

Holy shit, did this place get dull. I almost never get any action here.

"Tell me, can ghosts die?" I bring up abruptly.

Youmu pauses at the sink, water audibly running. "...I don't think about questions like that. It hurts my head."

I nod. "...For all intents and purposes, everyone here should have been bored to death multiple times over already."

Youmu snorts. "Why don't you do something productive, then? You spend too much time teasing that poor thing."

Hah. "Like what? Counting the ceiling tiles?" This ceiling didn't even have tiles.

"I don't know," Youmu began, talking as she washed the dishes. "Building something, maybe? We have the tools…"

I shake my head. "Not a chance." ...In retrospect, I could have looted some tools of theirs… but I doubt they'd have power drills or anything of the sort anyway.

"...Then don't complain." Youmu replies smugly, thinking she had won the verbal conflict.

"Do you want me to make you go from half-dead to full-dead?" I jeer at her half-dead-ness.

"I'd like to see you try."

I consider it for a moment, but then my eyes drift to the katanas around her waist. Maybe that wouldn't be the correct healthcare plan at this point in my life...

"...I think not." Gustavus attempted to stand again, and I slowly reached my hand over to him and poked him with a finger, sending him sliding back to the table top.

It was at this moment that Yuyuko decided to float in.

"Do I smell something tasty~?" she comments, making her way to the table.

Youmu shakes her head. "Probably just the dish soap, Yuyuko-sama."

I fold Gustavus's limbs under its torso, and hold it up to Yuyuko. "Yes. Dessert."

She eyes it, before wincing a little. "...I…think that would give me indigestion."

"It's fluff loaf." I insist, moving it closer to her.

...She decides to take a sniff of it. "...It smells fluffy."

...What the hell are we doing?

It was this moment Yukari chose to gap in, taking a seat at one of the vacant positions.

"...What do you want?" I glared at her.

"Can I not stop by just to visit my dear friend?" Yukari teasingly asks, sliding out a chair and sitting down.

"Since when have we been friends?" I raise a brow, looking at her critically.

"We aren't." Yukari adds. "I meant Yuyuko. Sorry~!"

She leans towards Yuyuko, raising a hand to her mouth and talking in a pseudo-whisper. "I think you need to find the boy some friends…"

Yuyuko giggles. "I think you might be right… He does seem awful lonely around here…"

Both problems are ones _you_ created, and considering your abilities, there's not much I could help about that. "Oh, and who am I supposed to befriend? The numerous ghosts out there ready to rip me limb from limb?"

Yuyuko giggled harder in response. "Oo~h, they're not _that_ bad!"

Youmu glances over from the sink. "Yes, they are."

"Oh, hush you." Yuyuko pouts.

Yukari smirks. "...Say, Youmu, why aren't _you_ friends with this boy?"

"...I don't know. I don't seek to make friendships when I just know they won't work." Youmu replies, not looking over from the sink.

"And how do you know that?" Yukari twirls her fan wrily. "You two have many things in common!"

I fold my arms, bracing myself for the impending storm of bullshit. "Enlighten me."

"You both like blades!" Yukari began. "And you're both half dead! Well- not exactly in the same way, but… close enough!"

Youmu pauses, turning to Yukari to stare at her for a few moments, but then just shakes her head and turns back at the sink.

"Very funny." I cut in. "Did you come just to waste everyone's time?"

She shakes her head, "No," then folds her fan open. "Just yours."

Her and that fan of hers. "Well, the joke's on you." I begin. "I don't have any time to waste. Rather, it's already being wasted as we speak- whether you're involved or not."

Yukari claps her hands together. "Perfect! Then there's no problem with me being here, is there~?"

I sigh and rest my arms on the table. "Here." I hold up the fluff loaf. "Have some fluff loaf."

I toss it at her, and it flies into a newly-formed gap.

Moments later… "Pfft-ugh!"

Youmu is forced to back away from the sink, her face and mouth full of dust.

"im lovable" Gustavus insists.

Spitting and wiping her face, Youmu turns to glare at Yukari, but decides against saying anything.

Turning back to the sink, Youmu finds the lovable dust devil has dirtied the entire thing somehow.

"..."

Youmu walks towards the table, and takes a seat.

… "I'm still bored." I add constructively to the discussion.

"I'm done for the day. Have fun, Yuyuko-sama." Youmu gets out of her chair, then dives to the floor.

...After a moment of silence to honor the fallen, Yukari looks at me. "Well, I could fix that…!"

This could only end badly.

I shake my head. "Please, don't."

"There's an incident playing out- and this time you _don't_ diverge and kill random villagers in their homes." Yukari waves her finger at me disapprovingly.

I nod my head exaggeratedly. "Yes, ma'am. Want me to walk you across the street as well?"

She looks a bit cross for a moment, but her expression returns to the jovial one from before. "Very funny. I made sure someone _capable_ would have the radar this time…" She looks at Youmu and frowns, but Youmu didn't seem to mind, being apparently unconscious and all.

/ / / / DUNNO WHAT TO DO FOR A SCENE CHANGE THIS TIME / / / /

Reimu furrows her brows as she stares at the metal device. "...I don't even know. Of all the things Yukari could have given me, this is not even _remotely_ useful."

Marisa leans over her shoulder. "...I think I saw something like that in Nitori's workshop before."

They were currently floating over the skies of the Forest of Magic, where Marisa had described as the first place she witnessed the vine problem.

"...Well, what is it?" Reimu turned to her friend.

"...I think it's a… electromagnetic sonar… fish finder?" Marisa brought a hand to her chin. "It was a stupid long name…"

"...That sounds stupid." Reimu decided. "Yukari's stupid."

"Yeah." Marisa nods in agreement.

/ / / / SEND HELP / / / /

"...I'm sure they'll be far more capable than Youmu-chan ever was!" Yukari jauntily adds.

"I somehow doubt that." I state, staring at the ceiling again. "...I assume I'm to be sent out to active duty again?"

Yukari nods. "Yeah."

"...Might as well get it over with." I concede.

…

After a few moments, I stand up. "Alright… I'm rea-"

I was cut off as I fell through a gap.

/ / / / HELLO THERE AGAIN / / / /

I fall from the gap, and I appear to be surrounded by both fuck and all, indistinguishably.

Except for open sky.

Looking down, I see trees.

Well, shit.

"...Aaaaa~h!" I yell for the hell of it.

Within moments, however, I'm caught by a certain black and white mage.

"Hehe~y there, buddy! What the hell were you doing in the sky, ze!? You learning to fly or what?" Marisa looked down at me, holding me bridal style.

"Naturally." I sarcastically reply.

"Oh." Marisa blinks, surprised. "Well, don't let me bother you then."

She moves her arms to the side and drops me.

"Aaaaa~h!" Hopefully she got the message and moved to catch me again, or something…

This time I'm caught by a certain red and white miko.

"...Geez, Marisa…" she mutters, holding me by the arms this time. "...You didn't even find out who put him that high in the air. For all we know, it coulda been the people behind this incident…"

If only.

I turn to her- to the best of my ability, anyway. "Yukari did it."

"Oh. Dammit." Reimu suddenly looked disinterested. "Well… as tempted as I am to drop you, she probably put you in front of us for a reason."

I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

"...Or she could have intended you to be a splatter meal for the youkai below, which is probably something I _should_ be watching out for, but at the same time I'm really _not supposed_ to be…" Reimu shook her head. "Uugh, I never should have made that stupid agreement…"

That's nice. "To be honest, I really couldn't care about the political life of a shrine maiden. My primary concern is reaching the ground- in one piece, alive, and not crippled, preferably."

She nods. "I guess that's to be expected…"

…

We weren't heading towards the ground at all, though. "...How long is this trip expected to take?"

"...Well, once miss hoboes-a-lot over here finds her warehouse…" Reimu's gaze drifts to Marisa.

"Pfft. Not even, it's like a fucking _pavilion_ now. Fate has not been kind to it, ze." Marisa replied glumly.

…

"Speak of the devil…" Marisa starts to float downward. "This way!"

"You didn't have to inform me. I can infer things just fine, you know." Reimu gets in her obligatory snarking, of course.

/ / / / MY LIFE… IS FADING / / / /

Marisa wasn't wrong when she described it as a pavilion. I still had that ink, too. I doubt she'll notice anything missing from this hut now, though.

"...You weren't kidding." Reimu blinked at the sight. "...Wow. What happened?"

"Pain." Marisa summarized.

"Ah."

Speaking of, we were inside said pavilion now. Since I was on dry ground…

"Did any of you happen upon a… device from Yukari?" I inquired.

"...Yes." Reimu replied hesitantly. "Why?"

I smile as sincerely as possible, and hold out my hand. "You see, that was actually meant for me. She just wanted to be circular with the method of obtaining it- forcing me to socialize, and all." There was no way this wouldn't work…

Reimu stared at me in contemplation for a few moments, then lifted the device from one of her pockets, somewhere. I didn't know that dress _had_ pockets, but okay.

"...I think I'll keep it." Reimu decided.

Son of a bitch.

"...Why's that?" I question innocently, still smiling.

"...If socialization was the only reason, there's no point in giving it to you. It seems to be made out of some kind of steel, so I don't doubt it'd sell for something good. Maybe even the kappa will take it…" She begins grinning at the device.

You piece of fucking shit.

Best salesman smile, go! "...Can I at least inspect it? I-I mean, it was intended for me- and Yukari-"

"No. The kappa can get picky about fingerprints. I want it in pristine condition." Reimu jerks it away from me, and pockets it again. "I'm sorry. I'm sure you can just ask Yukari for another one of whatever the hell it is."

If Yukari wasn't likely going to erase me from reality if I laid a finger on you, I would have sliced your throat open and pried it from your cold, dead hands, you shrine maiden piece of shit.

...On the bright side, she didn't know it was a radar, so whatever.

...Fuck.

"...What even is it, anyway?" Marisa questioned me. "...I mean…"

A question I was not prepared for. While I'm sure there was some lie that I could have told that would have netted it in my hands, it did not occur to me as soon as she said that. The best choice then would be to just feign ignorance.

"...I'm not sure, but I really, really want it." I emphasized that I _really fucking wanted it_!

"...Look, I'll get a price estimate from the kappa. If the price is right, I might even let you buy it from me." Reimu elaborated, and while she might have been trying to be reasonable, it was seriously only salt in the wound.

"... _Fine_." I venomously replied, folding my arms.

Reimu blinked at me. "...Can't fault you for being angry about it, I guess. I would be, too."

"Shut up." I quickly retorted.

"...There's no need to get rude about it, though." Reimu glared at me. "Look, I'm in a good mood right now, but once this incident picks up, I won't."

Pffft. "And what exactly is _that_ supposed to mean?"

Marisa began pumping her arms. "Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight… fight?" She trailed off as Reimu scowled at her.

"...Marisa, you know I don't just beat up random bystanders for the hell of it- especially not those who are defenseless." Reimu states solidly.

Marisa blinks. "You don't?"

…

"Okay, maybe I do- but not defenseless ones, at the very least." Reimu admits.

"Define defenseless." I demanded.

"...Not able to fly, not able to shoot danmaku, and not particularly strong, either. I don't know about you, but that doesn't sound like the qualities of someone who is adequately prepared for combat." Reimu rattled off multiple qualities that may have been right in every respect… but they still pissed me off.

...and as much as I wanted to demonstrate that someone with these qualities could, in fact, kill her where she stood, I'd rather not be killed where _I_ stood in turn.

"...What are we even doing here?" I ask the dreaded question.

Reimu looks around. "...That's a good question. Marisa, what the hell were we here for?"

"I swear I saw the vines here, Reimu! This was the very first place!" Marisa was digging around through piles of things that the weather had presumably kicked the asses of.

"Oh, right. Reports of deadly toxic vines around Eientei… that were spreading. How and why would they be _here_ of all places?" Reimu looked tired already.

Marisa flails her arms. "I-I dunno, ze! They just… were?"

Very much progress was being made.

"...Great." Reimu sighed. "Back to square one…"

Marisa looked perturbed by that comment, but seemed to hold back her own commentary.

… 

"Is there any reason I should be here?" I ask. If not…

"If Yukari dropped you on us, you're staying with us. I can't let any clues slip through my fingers." Reimu responded promptly.

I roll my eyes. "Persistent, aren't you? What if I were to say… slink away in the evening? Do you think you could stop me?"

/ / / / SUDDENLY THE FIRE NATION ATTACKED #tempting fate / / / /

I was tied to Marisa's broomstick, apparently.

"Yes." Reimu answered my previous question.

"Hey, uh, Reimu?" Marisa tapped on her shoulder.

"Yes?"

"I need that to fly." Marisa deadpanned.

"So?"

"...I can't fly with him on it."

"Yes, yes you can." Reimu looked confident in her judgement.

"...Look, I only take temporary passengers, not uh… luggage. Also, the way you tied him on is weird! Either I sit on his face, or my legs… my legs don't even fit on the broom the other way- he's in the way!" Marisa stomped the floor.

I don't think I mind such an arrangement.

"...I guess we can't have that." You choose this moment to relent!?

With one quick swipe from the Hakurei miko, an ofuda collided with the rope, severing it, the ofuda fading on contact with the rope.

Marisa whistled. "Damn, ze. Where'd you learn that one?"

Reimu blushed. "Don't ask. I'd rather not say…"

Rolling her eyes, Marisa walked up to me and removed the broom from my back. "Let me guess, were you attending one of Yukari's sessions again? At the Golden Grin?"

Reimu glared at her friend. "...If I said yes, would that make me a bad person?"

"...Yes." Marisa nodded.

Looking around, I determined quickly that there was _still_ nothing of value at this location. "...Can we get a move on, already? I'd rather waste as little sunlight as possible on these trivialities."

Reimu nods. "He's right, we might as well check out Eientei, too. That's where all the action is, after all."

Thus, Reimu lifted me up in a nice, uncomfortable arm carry, and we set to the skies.

/ / / / FUN TIMES AHEAD / / / /

I sat in the fetal position in a trench as rabbit soldiers at both my sides threw grenades out into the open field behind us.

Blam! Boom! Bam!

"Nwoo~!" The wails of many giant yukkuri echoed throughout the forest.

"Where the hell am I?" I questioned aloud, but none of the rabbit girls responded.

A line of bush people rushed the trench line, and dived in.

"O-oh, shit! Shit, shit, shit!" A short rabbit girl demonstrated her eloquent way with words as a bush youkai clawed her face, blood spattering across the dirt lightly. She struggled with it, dropping her rifle and focusing her entire effort towards prying it off her face.

I look down at the futuristic rifle, and pick it up while the rabbit girl is being viciously maimed.

...Well, for one thing, it doesn't have triggers. Or a clip. It was also really smooth-looking, like something Apple would make.

How the fuck do you use this?

Well, whatever. I held onto it anyway; maybe people wouldn't fuck with me if they saw me carrying a gun-shaped blunt instrument around. Throughout the trench, various other rabbits were having similar troubles.

"I think it's time to get out of here…" I tell myself in the heat of the battle, as I marched forward, back towards the main building.

A bush person tries to leap onto me from above, but I swing the gun like a club and send it barreling into an unaware rabbit soldier.

"A-aaa~h!"

...Oops. Well, it builds character. She'll get better, probably. Physically, anyway. Maybe.

…

I made my way through the trench, and eventually reached the main building.

I look back, seeing a multitude of giant Suika yukkuri invade the trench, followed by numerous explosions. Holy shit.

A green-haired rabbit girl ran by me, holding up a walkie talkie. "Air strike! Look- I don't care if there're still troops deployed- yes, I'm not a heartless bastard, this is the best way to save their asses! Look- just- aaugh! Do it!" She hung up, lifted her rifle, and sprayed randomly into the horde of abominations, failing to do anything. She did manage to hit a few bunny soldiers at least!

...Boom! Kablam! Ba~m!

Bombs rained down from above, but no planes were visible. Mortars? Maybe…

Some of the yukkuri exploded, but for the most part, I think the bombs just made things worse…

"...aaaahhh…"

I heard a faint yelling sound.

"-aaaahhhhh-" It was getting louder.

I back into the main building finally, when I see numerous fluffles holding large, cartoony bombs with fuses on them heading toward the trench. That's enough explosions for my entire lifetime.

I close the door behind me.

"...Waaaaa~l!" I still heard the fluffles yelling.

...boom bam boom bam bam b-boom bam…

I heard muffled explosions against the metal of the door.

Suddenly, the intercom came on. "Trench forty-two-B has fallen! All units report to trenches fifty-two C and eighty-five G!"

No thanks.

...I heard fluffy sounds from the door behind me, which was my cue to haul ass.

I ran down the hall, running past numerous rabbit soldiers, who were in a mix of either relaxing or mourning the fallen, when the door I had previously emerged from fell open, fluffles at the seams of it. It seems they chewed it open- or just overloaded the lock with sheer force.

"Waaaa~l!" came the fluffy wail, as the rabbit soldiers quickly tried to react, a few getting up and firing into the crowd like assholes- because they only served as a minor setback to the sheer _tidal wave_ of fluffy friks.

"Oh, fuck me!"

"Janet! Ja~net!"

"This can't be happening! This isn't fucking happening!"

"I'm losing control of the situation!... Can't take much more of this!"

These are the shouts I'm greeted with as I charge down the hall, until finally…

Fwoom…

I hear a large metal door shut behind me, again. I don't trust that sound, though- the fluffles could probably eat it with ease.

Reimu and Marisa were here; it was the front lobby. Reisen was tiredly talking with them.

"Did they look like this?" Marisa made a flowy motion with her arms.

"Marisa, those vine impressions weren't funny the last ten- _fucking_ \- times you tried them…" Reisen growled.

Reimu yawned. "I don't know, the front of the place looks kinda clear, aside from the few vines… and they didn't seem to react very much as we flew over them."

Yeah, the place looks really clear, alright. Peaceful, even.

...boom, bam, boo-boom, blam!

I hear muffled explosions from the hall I had emerged from, and everyone in the room turned to look at the door.

"...Oh, gods, no…" Reisen paled. "...You… what happened?"

I put my ear to the door, hearing fluffy coos and scratching… "...Oh, nothing much. It was a calm experience. One might even describe it as zen-like."

I quickly power walk away from the door. "...But too much of a good thing can be bad for you." I grin.

Reisen lifts what looks like an oversized sniper rifle. "...I-I can't believe it…"

...Thunk!

The door fell open.

"Waaaaa~l!"

Fluffles ran in, holding those cartoony bombs again.

Fwi-Fwi-Ch-choo~m!

A series of lasers from Reisen's sniper rifle-

BLAM

-put an end to the wave of kamikaze assholes.

Reisen then ran forward, but paused for a moment, turning to us. "Reimu! Marisa!... And that guy!"

I loved being 'that guy'.

"The vines didn't come from here, but-" She looked ahead, and raised her rifle…

…

Fwi-choom!

Boom!

…

She turned back to us. "-Just find it and fix it, okay!?"

With that, she ran forward into the war.

The intercom came on, a playful voice answering this time. "Sector five-T has fallen, nothing but rubble! Look out bunnies, here comes trouble!"

I think I had enough of participating in the draft for today. "...Let's go." I insist to my apparent comrades.

"Aa~w, I wanna loot more…" Marisa pouted.

Reimu's eyes lighted up. "...Say, do you have a hammerspace sack like that other guy?"

I shake my head. "No."

Reimu rolled her eyes. "Outsiders."

Reimu walks forward and floats ahead.

"...Guess you're riding with me, ze…" Marisa hops on her broom, and pats the back. "Get on!"

I hop on, and instantly pause to think of where to place my hands. I remember where I put them last time, though, so I stick with that.

"Don't touch anywhere you'll regret, ze…" Marisa added lowly. This statement gives the author a weird sense of deja-vu, for good reason. I can also break the fourth wall because Yukari hasn't told me otherwise yet!

"Ah, forget about it." I nonchalantly exclaim. "I didn't rape you mid-flight last time you offered me a ride, did I?" I wonder how you'd even do that.

"...Point." Marisa conceded.

And so, we flew off. Although I suggested for us to leave, I didn't exactly know where we were going.

/ / / / HOLY TOUHOU, BATMAN / / / /

We arrived at Reimu's shrine once more. The boring, dilapidated shrine.

"The amount of spreading was worrying." Reimu began the conversation.

Marisa chipped in, too. "I know, ze. This looks like a problem well beyond the bamboo forest, now…"

We neared the stone pathway in front of the shrine, and I hopped off the broom somewhat clumsily, running along as I reached the ground. It was like getting off a bike, except in the air.

I had different interests, though. "Definitely, ze. Like, it's a big problem, ze. Worrying, ze. Ze."

Marisa glared at me. "...I let you hitch a ride, and this is the thanks I get, ze?"

I nod. "Naturally, ze. Consider it ze payment, ze."

Marisa continues glaring, unamused. "...That's not funny, you know."

I tilt my head. "Ze?"

Marisa is now… nope, she's still glaring. "Asshole."

I roll my eyes. "Come on, now… is it only funny when _you_ do it?"

Reimu had had enough of this discussion, though, and bonked me on the head with her gohei. "Knock it off, you. The last thing we need in the middle of an incident is two morons beating each other to death."

"Hah." Marisa folds her arms, smug. "Serve you right- wait…" Marisa pauses to look at Reimu questioningly, and she bonks Marisa on the head too.

"Same goes for you."

"Wha'd I do!?" Marisa whines, clutching her hat.

Reimu steps into the shrine, "Come on now, we don't have all- Hwah!" and falls into a hole in the floor.

...She floats out, angry. "...What the hell is this?"

I shrug. "Termites."

"Fluffles?" Marisa guesses.

Suika's arm shoots up from another place in the floor, breaking it open as she does so. "Sake!"

"Great." Reimu looks tired. "...In any case, don't trip over the gaping holes in the floor."

I heed her advice as I leap over the gap as best I could. Marisa floats over it, raising an eyebrow at my jump.

"Dude, you jump like a girl, ze." Marisa attempts a jab.

"Yeah, ze. That's like ze accurate assessment, ze." I counter with my own.

"...Asshole." And there we go.

"Do I have to put you two in time out, or what?" Reimu comments irately.

I raise my hands as if surrendering. "Well, she started it… ze."

"Uu~gh…" Marisa groaned.

"I didn't bring you two over here just so you can bicker like children. We've _really_ got to do something about these vines, and fast." Reimu tries to change the topic.

...apparently unsuccessfully, as Marisa would prove. "Well it'd be easier if _somebody_ wasn't making fun of my vocabulary!"

I look at her and just shake my head. "You'd be making it much easier on yourself if you just didn't react. Besides, it's not like there was much vocabulary to make fun _of_ … ze."

Marisa pulls out her Mini-Hakkero. "Oh, that's fucking it, ze."

Thwack!

"Oouu~ch!" Marisa whined, recoiling from the gohei strike.

Thwack!

"Hgh…" I actually flinch a bit from that hit. Ouch. I rub my head where it hit…

"If I hear a single sentence uttered from you two that is not incident related, there will be consequences." Reimu assures us, glaring.

Suika chose that moment to clamber from the floor, breaking it open in the process. "Goo~d morning!"

Thwack!

"Good night." Reimu replied, the oni slowly tipping over back into the hole.

"You've been working on your gohei game, haven't'cha, Reimu?" Suika replied from the hole, largely unaffected by the gohei strike.

Reimu sighed. "...I guess we should just get a move on before anything worse happens."

She goes to open the back door of the shrine, and suddenly vines.

"..."

She closes the door.

"Well, that wasn't there before." Reimu nods slowly.

Marisa and I just stare at her as she turns her back to the door and leans against it. She then sighs.

Suddenly, there's a knock at the front door.

I walk up to it. "Is it the vines?" I call out.

More knocks.

"Pizza delivery? Did you bring the deep-dish vine-encrusted extra large?" I questioned again, putting my ear to the door.

"Just let me answer it…" Reimu lightly pushes me out of the way and opens the door.

Remilia stood there with her hands on her hips. "Reimu, there are vines in my lawn."

"I feel you." Reimu nonchalantly replies.

"Get them off my lawn." Remilia commanded.

"I would." Reimu supplements her.

"They're annoying." Remilia explains.

"..." Reimu closes the door. "I feel you. I really do. Go away."

I look crestfallen. "...So I'm not getting that pizza, then, am I?"

Reimu looks at me, annoyed. "What was that about irrelevant comments?"

"My pizza is never irrelevant." I insist.

Marisa scurries next to Reimu and whispers into her ear loudly. "See what I mean? He's annoying…!"

Reimu rubs her ear. "...Get away from me, you. I'm not going to pick a side in this… squabble."

Remilia opens the door herself. "Reimu, I'm not going away until you come do something about these vines."

"...Whatever happened to vampires only coming in when invited?" Reimu deadpans.

"Do not take me for a fool, Hakurei." Remilia showed she was serious with the use of last names. So spooky.

"...I guess that's a myth, then." Reimu shrugs.

I begin tapping Remilia on the shoulder.

"Reimu, vines are…"

Remilia pauses, and turns to me. "...What?"

"...Did you bring the pizza?" I question, smiling hopefully.

"Will you shut up about pizza!?" Reimu snaps at me.

…

"So, Reimu, about those vi-"

Remilia is interrupted by Reimu opening the back door, showing her the vines.

"...Ah, I see." Remilia smirks, adjusting her mob cap with one hand. "...You need the help of one as powerful as I to get to the bottom of this incident, don't you?"

"Only if you bring pizza." I specify.

"No one asked you." Remilia shot me down instantly.

I instantly clutch my chest and stumble backwards as if wounded.

"Sure, whatever." Reimu didn't care. "The more the merrier. If you could keep those two idiots in line…" Reimu gestured to Marisa and me. "...that'd be great."

Marisa stomped the floor. "Hey, I didn't even say anything for awhile! I've been good!"

Reimu held up a finger. "But were you thinking stupid thoughts?"

...Reluctantly, Marisa shook her head. "...No, I wasn't."

The temptation was too great. "Ze." I had to say it.

"Words cannot describe what I'm about to do to you, ze." Marisa turned to me, scowling.

"Sounds kinky." I add thoughtfully.

Reimu turns to Remilia. "Welcome aboard."

"I loathe this already." she states, folding her arms. "...On second thought, I think I'll go-"

"No." Reimu insisted. "They are your problem now."

Remilia looked at her sharply. "What? No, no no-"

"Yes." Reimu insisted once more. "After all, only one as powerful as you could quell their stupidity."

...With that logic, Remilia huffed. "Damn."

/ / / / THE GREAT KABLAMS OF HISTORY / / / /

And so, our expertly- dare I say cleverly crafted- order of operations was taken into effect.

...We were flying aimlessly around Gensokyo, looking for the 'culprit' of this incident.

Seeing as Marisa and Reimu had already carried me at least once each, it was now Remilia's turn.

She held me by the arms similarly to Reimu for awhile, which proved a bit problematic, since she was smaller than Reimu. Eventually, we came to an agreement, however…

Reimu's jaw was ajar. "Look, I'm not going to question who the hell made this… but I'm going to question who the hell made this. Also the fact you had it lying around at all is troubling."

I was dangling precariously on what appeared to be some sort of lawn decor. It was one of those things that moved water back and forth in a fancy matter- a Shishi Odishi, as they were called, I think. The only reason I knew this is because the author googled 'water bamboo thing'.

Let's pretend I didn't just think the latter part of that paragraph.

...Unlike the typical fancy bamboo water thing, however, this one was more like a monstrosity of disjointed bamboo poles and tubes and shafts, which made it more akin to a chemistry set instead of a whatever the hell those things are normally used for.

"Hey, it was supposed to be to scare off youkai!" Marisa justified her possession.

"Oh, it's scary alright…" Reimu narrowed her eyes at it. "...You still didn't tell me who the hell made it."

"It was my dad! He saw a deer trap and was all like 'oh if I could make one for youkai it'd sell big!' And so he did!"

I'm not sure whether to complain or be thankful we found an arrangement after thirty minutes or so of ceaseless bickering and uncomfortable manhandling by a loli vampire. She wasn't gentle while annoyed, I can tell you that much.

...although now I was hanging precariously off of the side of what I could only describe as a screaming bamboo death trap, and it feels incredibly unsafe due to all the hinges and latches. Why.

"Marisa, what kind of alcohol does your dad drink?" Reimu questions.

Marisa shrugs. "Cheap village spirits. Why?"

Reimu rolls her eyes. "O~h, I see. Mushrooms?"

"...Yeah, he eats mushrooms for recreation a lot, or did. He's a little too old for that now, ze." Marisa explained.

"All I needed to know." Reimu ended the conversation.

Remilia was holding onto the top of the entire thing. "I suggest, for one, that after we finish this escapade, we destroy this device for the greater good."

"Y-you can't do that, ze! It's a memento!" Marisa hastily defends it.

"...In that case, maybe I'll let Flandre 'borrow' it from you. You can have it back when she's dead." Remilia grinned.

Marisa pouted. "Well… hmph."

When the other two looked away from her, she smirked. Hmm…

In any case, this ride wasn't going anywhere fast. Hum de dum…

/ / / / SCREAMING BAMBOO DEATH TRAPS / / / /

As we're flying, I bring up a question. "...Wasn't there someone we met before with a plant affinity?"

Reimu knew who I was talking about instantly. "It's not her. She doesn't typically start incidents, nor ones quite like this. I know."

Hmm.

…

As we're flying, the girls begin smelling something.

Remilia's the first to scrunch her nose. "That's… a rather unpleasant stench."

Reimu's face grows serious. "...That's unique."

Marisa looks around. "...I dunno what you guys are talkin' about, but nothing smells particularly off to me, ze."

For once, I have to agree with Marisa, although my sense of smell has seen better days.

We were at the base of Youkai Mountain when the stench first became present.

Reimu starts drifting towards it, signalling the others to follow.

"Are we _really_ going to approach something so… smelly?" Remilia questioned, with an apparent lack of better words.

Reimu turns to her. "I repeat: vampire of great power, or something."

"...Fine." Remilia huffs.

We start floating down over the sea of vines below.

"...That's disgusting." Remilia looks unhappy.

"Tell me about it." Reimu's face contorts into a frown.

Marisa takes a few sniffs. "...Kinda stinks, yeah. I dunno."

"Does your nose work? At all?" Reimu questions, glancing at Marisa. "Don't tell me all those magical experiments finally did away with one of your senses."

I tried sniffing as well, but I still couldn't really smell anything either.

"Eheh…" Marisa scratches the back of her head. "...Maybe?"

"...It gets more intense this way." Remilia takes the lead, floating closer towards the treetops at the base of Youkai Mountain.

"Don't dip below the trees." Reimu cautions. "The vines have a tendency to lash out at people."

"Noted." Remilia replied.

We continued for a few moments, lingering over the treetops…

…

And suddenly, the fire nation attacked!...

...yeah, if only. They'd be able to clean up this annoying vine problem in seconds, flat.

"...This smells _terrible_." Remilia emphasizes.

All of a sudden, a leaf rocketed up from the depths of the woods below, aiming for Remilia. She dodged it swiftly, which was problematic for me because it made the entire bamboo contraption I was holding onto swing around like a pendulum.

"...Could you not do that?" I request, holding on tighter than before.

Raising up from the trees below was a large plant of some description. A large, red flower was perched atop its head, and thick vines protruded from underneath it, revealed as it continued rising. On closer inspection, the plant bulb atop the vines had two very primal eyes, and a large maw of sharp teeth. Somehow.

A variety of vines rose from the ground with it aswell, flowers of different colors blooming from the tips of them.

"...What the hell is that?" Marisa questioned, jaw slowly dropping.

"Now _that_ would make a good pizza." I point at it.

"...I'm pretty certain that's a youkai by this point, and not a plant." Reimu took some sort of posture, readying for combat.

"Hahahah…" Remilia gives her best evil laugh she could muster, I assume. "A feeble plant like this is nothing for the likes of one such as I."

The plant gives us a witty response. "Buuaaa~gh!"

...A loud belch is what that was. Not easy to put into words.

Reimu doubles back. "H-holy… crap…"

Marisa scrunches her face. "I smelt that one, though! Whew! Now I know what you guys are talking about!"

"Geh…" Remilia's eyes began watering.

I guess there was _something_ that time, but it wasn't that bad.

"Y-you foul abomination…" Remilia pauses a moment. In her other hand, she starts charging her spear.

"Divine Spear! Spear the Gungnir!"

She then gives it a healthy toss, and as it soars towards the monster, it transforms into a laser and seemingly pierces it.

Crickle! Splat!

Sounds of foliage being abused and chlorophyll sploshing around as if it were blood fills the air.

Marisa grins. "I don't know what we're shooting at, but let's beat it up anyway!"

She raises her Mini-Hakkero, and takes aim at the plant monster. "Love Sign…"

I think we all know what comes next.

"Master… Spaaa~rk!"

Vrrrrrr!

The hum of the giant and considerably deadly rainbow laser pierces the evening's normal silence.

As it fades out, it reveals the plant creature was, in fact, still standing. It was knocked back quite a bit, exemplified by the extent the vines elongated to keep up with the knockback, but they quickly moved to bring the creature back into its former place.

Marisa pouted. "Really?"

Reimu sighed. "This might take awhile…" She pulled ofuda from god-knows-where with her free hand, and launched them at the creature.

They made contact with the exterior of it, and quickly burned into what appeared to be holy flames of some sort. The plant recoiled, but didn't look harmed otherwise.

Reimu blinks. "...I expected that to work. Either this thing has _no_ mana, or it has _a lot_ of mana."

... I suppose that made it my turn to act, now.

…

I hold my hand up, searching in my mind for that spell I learned…

Right, saw blade. That was quite a fun one to learn.

I bring my hand down, a saw blade flying in from above to make contact with the plant beast.

It connects, pleasingly.

Vrrrrr~!...rr-rr…

The blade slowly stops spinning and halts inside of it. The plant monster had lurched back for a moment when it had first made contact, but…

...Two leaf-like appendages reached up and grabbed the blade.

Shink! It was pulled out of its head. The blade was then dropped into the sea of trees and vines below.

About what I expected, really. I mean, if a Master Spark and a Gungnir didn't do shit, then I doubt some random saw blade would either.

The plant creature then began bobbing in place, and a series of petals shot up into the air and floated in place.

Reimu's eyes widened. "Marisa! Behind me!"

I slowly began working my way to the other side of this bamboo crime against humanity…

"Cautionary border!" Reimu shouted. Four ofuda flew outward, and formed the shape of a square. It suddenly lit to life in the form of a barrier, and Marisa complied and got behind Reimu.

The petals suddenly shot forward, the sound of them cutting the air audible.

Swo-woo-swoo-swoo-oo-woo-swoo-swoosh!

…

Reimu's barrier was the first to start getting slammed.

Chi~ng-Chi~-Chi-Chi-Chi-Chi~ng!

Next was the sound of it hitting the other side of my bamboo whatever-the-hell.

Thu-thu-thu-thu-th-thunk!

And finally…

"Ha-gugh-ag-ac-gagh-aaugh!" Remilia shouted in pain as multiple petals pierced her body.

Reimu scowled. "...I don't think we're doing enough damage to it."

"H-huaahh…" Remilia breathed out, her floating becoming awkward as she regenerated.

I looked around to the other side of the bamboo contraption, only to find only half of it was there anymore. Huh.

I suppose it was kind of a miracle that Remilia was even holding this thing at all, considering the damage both she and it sustained. Speaking of which, she was bleeding. Remilia's blood flowed down onto the device, and in a couple places it actually functioned a little like it should have- being a water thing and all, but there wasn't nearly enough blood to keep it going at all.

"Gugugh…" Remilia gurgled as he exterior wounds healed, but it was still flowing from her mouth. Her pupils came back eventually, and she spat out the blood. "Pft! Pftoo! Gah…"

She wiped her lips. "...That was… really something…"

While this transpired, the plant thing seemed idle, for whatever reason. The cut I had made on it- oh. A flower nearby was beginning to wilt, the vine holding it becoming brittle and devoid of chlorophyll. Apparently it could cannibalize its flower companions to sustain itself.

...What the hell kind of evolutionary process justifies something like this existing?

"...We could just keep hiding behind barriers, ze." Marisa suggested.

"I don't think we do enough damage to justify fighting it right now, period." Reimu argued. "...We should get someone who's an expert in pyrotechnics, they'd surely be able to handle this."

Marisa looked at Reimu disbelievingly. "Wha~t!? All our years of youkai hunting, and you're saying you can't handle this!?"

Reimu rolled her eyes. "I never said that. It'd just be easier if we could burn it instead, that's all."

...Marisa nodded. "Good point, actually. It _is_ kind of an annoying enemy…"

Reimu turned to Remilia. "Go put the outsider some place safe. Marisa and I are going to go captu- I mean, persuade someone with fire abilities."

Remilia looked indignant. "What!? Are you saying I can't handle something like this!?"

"Do you really want a long, tiring battle with a nearly invulnerable and disgusting plant monster when we could just burn it remotely?" Reimu vainly questioned Remilia.

"...Whatever." Remilia tried to fold her arms as best as she could while still holding onto the bamboo watchamacallit. "Where am I bringing him, anyway?"

"Somewhere without vines. I don't know." Reimu began floating away, and Marisa followed suit.

…

"Buuaaa~gh!" The plant creature belched, again.

"That's it, human village it is then." Remilia flew away quickly, not wanting to spend another second in the presence of pizza-fodder.

/ / / / A STORY OF STORIES FROM WHICH THE STORIES WERE STORED / / / /

We close in on the village after a rather brief flight. The vines have pretty much circled the entire wall around it.

Remilia floats right down into the village square, where the already panicked villagers are even more alarmed by the sight of a bloody vampire carrying whatever-the-hell I'm hanging onto.

"Have fun." Remilia bluntly sees me off as she plops the bamboo monstrosity onto the floor. She then floats away, to parts unknown, apparently not eager to stick around. I look around and see a variety of alarmed villagers.

...Well, this is awkward.

I scramble off the device and decide to leap to the floor, as if I was grateful to be on solid ground again. I wasn't going to elaborate on this act unless anyone questioned me, however…

…

No takers? Good, good. I stood up and dusted myself off as the villagers continued being frantic about other things.

I look around, a bit bored of this new development. I begin walking into the street, looking around…

This was exactly what Yukari _didn't_ want, wasn't it? Good on her for planning so far ahead. I doubt Reimu would figure out what Yukari's intentions were with that radar, either.

...Further walking around drew my eyes to a certain structure in the village, the supposed Golden Grin Casino. Unlike previous times I've passed it, it now had neon lights on the front of it, which was completely unfitting as all the other buildings were more like plywood huts in comparison.

Pretty sure they were plywood huts, too.

In any case, I began walking towards it, and two curiously dressed bunny girls were standing in front of it.

"Business is so slow, today…" complained a brown-haired bunny girl in a blue dress. I think I'll give you three guesses as to what they're wearing, and the first two don't count.

"I heard there was, like, a new incident in the wraps, or something…" explained a purple-haired and purple-dressed bunny girl. "I dunno what it is, though."

I walk up to them, but when they notice me, they move to block me. Hmm…

"Do you have an entry ticket, sir?" The blue-dressed one asks.

"Or a membership card?" asks the purple-dressed one.

Well, when you put it that way, now I _want_ to break in. "...No, my apologies." I put a hand up, and walk away.

"...Sorry~! Come again!" The blue-dressed bunny girl waves me goodbye as I walk off.

I walk until I pass a house or so, and then I slip into the alley beside it. Like that, I work my way to the rear of the building, only to see youkai girls of various descriptions milling about around the perimeter. Troublesome, to be sure. If there's truly this much security, then perhaps something of much worth inside…

I eye a fire escape on the side of the building, leading up to what I'm pretty sure is a door. The main issue is how to get to it; it looks too high to jump onto. As fun as it would be to try and create a pile of unconscious youkai girls to climb onto, I think I'd be pacified long before I could hope to see that come to flourish…

Still, I looked to the rather quaint plywood hut to the side of it, and if I were to get a running start off that rooftop, then I'd definitely get onto it.

I try the backdoor to the plywood hut, and it's locked, as expected. Circling it, but making sure not to go to the side next to the security, I find an open window. Looking in, I duck my head down as a woman walks into the room.

"What the hell is Mark doing…?" she questioned herself. "He hasn't come out of his house for like, a week or something now. I know a lot of incidents have been happening, but…" She pouts. "That doesn't give him the right to ignore me!"

Charming.

She moves closer to the window, and sits down. That's nice.

"...I'm sure he'll talk to me again. It's not like he'd just vanish into thin air…" She sighs to herself. "...Yeah…"

...I look into the room from the window, and see her not quite paying attention to existing at the moment. Still, if I just barged in, I'm pretty sure I'd be detected.

… I look down below the window and see a table, which has a basic spool of string and some loaves of bread on it. I take a piece of bread, and eat it.

...It tastes very bland.

I could probably easily kill the woman from here, but I don't think anyone would be very happy with that development. By anyone, I mean Yukari.

...Her fault for not planning further ahead, I guess. I had to get into the house somehow, after all.

I reach into my pocket, and consider which pair to use. Pink wasn't going to cut it unless I wanted to slowly choke her to death, which would be quite sub-optimal. Fire… unless I wanted to burn down the casino next door, that was probably a bad idea. That leaves me with ol' stainless steel. Also, the rebomb fluffle, but I don't think leveling the entire block would qualify as a 'stealthy approach'.

I pull out the steel scissors as the woman sighs deeply, staring into the opposite corner of the room. "...That's life, I suppose."

If she stayed still like that, I could… hmm. If I went straight for the front of the neck, it could get messy. A backstab would be extraordinarily awkward from this position, but I think if I crammed myself into the window like a hooligan, it'd work…

And so I began the slow, dainty process of trying to fit my body into the window, making me feel like the Grinch. I actually sat my scissors down on the table next to the bread just so I could position myself into the window…

…

Okay…

I was like, sitting with my legs bunched on the window, and my muscles hurt from the exertion, but now a backstab was something I could consider. I lifted the scissors, and changed them to the hand near her, making sure not to compromise my already shitty balance.

…

Alright, I think I'm good. I lift the scissors above her back, an~d...

Shink.

"Hh-ggh…!" The woman shot forward on reflex as the scissors entered the space where her back and neck met. She then lunged forward and collapsed to the floor.

At the sudden movement, my balance was compromised, and I clumsily fell forward onto the table, and broke it.

"Shit…"

I rolled onto the floor next to her, and rested for a moment. Fluffy days.

I shamble back up, and examine the broken table. I take some of the bread and eat it again.

...It almost sickens me how plain that tastes.

I look down at the corpse of the woman and smirk a bit. Unfortunately for her, she was in my way at the time. I look down at the scissors, and between the scissors being bloody and the bread tasting like shit, I was reminded of a trope a lot of people do to try and be intimidating.

I pluck the scissors from her back, and examine the blood on the tip. I tried mimicking those people who lick the blood off their weapon…

...Ah. So, that's how it tastes.

...Like iron. Not very tasty.

"...This sucks." I state to myself. In any case, I move into the next room of the house, which featured a staircase to the upper level… which perplexed me, because from the outside this looked like a one story house.

I climbed the stairs, and suddenly realized why.

The entire second floor was apparently made for ants, or something, because it was fucking _tiny_.

"How the hell…" I crouch-walk my way through what I'll just consider an attic now. There was actually a futon up here. In fact, there were two futons up here…

I heard the front door open and close. Well, that was some warning, wasn't it?

A few footsteps came from below… but nothing happened for me to really consider yet. I glanced at the roof of the structure, and didn't see anything that looked like roof access. I don't think I could make one by normal means; I was not He-man, unfortunately.

I heard another door open below. "Mom, you are not going to believe what I… Mom!?"

Hehey, it's the daughter, apparently!

"M-mom, are you alright!?" I heard her drop to her knees, examining her mother. "...Mom?"

Well, that's life, I suppose.

"N-no…"

I went back to examining the roof. Oh, if only the roofs were made of plywood, too…

Sobbing was heard from the lower floor. "...I-I've gotta get somebody… U-uncle Marcus…"

The girl ran from the house.

...Well, that gave me louder options to open this roof with, at the very least.

...I thought of using the saw blades for a moment, but I don't think creating mass panic with a giant blade is a great plan of action. My thoughts drifted to my fire scissors again, and while I almost dismissed them as implausible in this situation, I then wondered if there was a sink downstairs or something.

Crouch-walking back to the stairs, I make my way down and actually examine the rest of the stairway room. There was no sink, but there were buckets filled with water. Very… resourceful, I suppose…

...Taking a bucket, I made my way back upstairs. Crouch-walking became awkward as I now had a big, clumsy tin bucket to deal with too.

...I take out my fire-scissors, and hope to hell I don't accidentally burn the place down and create an inferno of immense proportions.

I strike the ceiling with it, and a fire starts. It begins small, but eventually spreads a bit, growing in diameter.

...The fire spreads quite a bit before a hole actually begins opening up, and I start splashing some of the water to control the spread, to marginal effect. It takes a struggle, but eventually I succeed in creating a hole big enough to stand in. I stand up and notice the flames spread across most of the roof top.

...Quickly, I begin sploshing the bucket around in an attempt to control the fire with variable success. I jump up on the roof and start stomping out the remaining bits, and the entire roof looks like it was unsuccessfully hit by a serial arsonist in the end.

...It was a sloppy job, but overall, I'm satisfied. I smile and nod at the roof before me.

...Oh yeah, I was here just to get into the Golden Grin, wasn't I?

I look across the roof, and see the fire escape. I stash my scissors into my pocket, and set the bucket down. Actually, I stop and kick the bucket over, allowing the rest of the water to spill. That would become some detrimental water damage to the roof, give or take a few seasons!

...I say as if I haven't touched the roof yet.

I dash across the roof, and make the rather mediocre jump to the fire escape. I feel my legs take the blunt impact of the fall, and it's a bit uncomfortable. It wasn't a long fall by any stretch of the imagination, but that didn't mean I was physically fit by any means.

The fire escape rocks with my landing, and I tense up and hug the wall. Not like that'd do anything if I was spotted, anyway.

...I look down, and notice the guards below me not reacting at all. Not like they were really guards anyway; they seemed to be employees put on guard duty of some description. They were still chit-chatting about nothing, too.

"Did you see the latest performance? That was so~ cool!"

"You're an idiot, Sesuna-chan…"

"I'm serious~!"

Heart warming.

In any case, I slowly made my way up the fire escape. The casino stretched quite higher than the buildings around it, reaching an impressive five stories. I could make out the sun slowly rising on the horizon from here…

I finally reach what I thought was a door at the top of the fire escape, and it appears to be a grey block of marble, and not a door. It's apparently a doorway, though, because I can tell the block's supposed to be able to be moved in some way, but pressing against it yields no results.

Hmm… I've come too far to just give up, by this point. I look up, and seeing nothing featureful on the roof, I pull out my pink scissors and take a gamble; the gamble being that there's probably _something_ up there to grapple onto…

Swinging the scissorangs around, I toss them up. Sadly, gravity doesn't really come into play and they come back to me.

Now what could I do…?

...Instead of giving a full-force throw, I throw them half-heartedly onto the edge of the building. I tug on the string, and they easily clear the edge they were stuck on and I'm forced to grab them as they clank against the guardrail of the fire escape.

Wait… that's it…

I precariously try standing on the guardrail- more like 'hugging the wall features while planting one foot on the guard rail'. The only reason this is possible is because I also have one hand on the roof…

I very cautiously bring both hands to the roof ledge, and let my legs dangle. I try with all my might to do a single pushup onto the ledge…!

"Hrrraa~gh!"

I see a pipe of some kind! I toss the boomerang scissors at it, and they wrap around it successfully. As the scissors return to me, they pull me along with them…

On closer inspection, it was an outward vent of some kind. No idea what the hell it was, though; I'm no building architect. I was just kinda guessing what it was.

...Anyhow, I did see a stairwell opening up here, so that was good. Also, skylights, but I don't think I was going to fuck with those. Falling five stories into a crowd of people wouldn't be good times for anyone, especially if I ended up dead from the fall.

I untangled my boomerang scissors from the vent-pipe-silo thing, and pocketed them. I made my way towards the stairwell opening, and began my journey inside the Golden Grin Casino.

/ / / / THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE GOLDEN GRIN, YO. / / / /

...and I already landed myself in a precarious situation on what I was going to assume was the third floor. Upon entry, I quickly found myself hiding in a broom closet with a slightly ajar door as numerous bunny girls, neko girls, and tiger girls marched around, apparently quite busy.

"Koneko-chan! Did you relay the order to Ran-sama yet?"

"No! I wanna get down with my mad funky self!"

"Koneko-chan, no! Don't-"

I heard the sounds of numerous plates smashing in the hallways.

"...God dammit, Koneko-chan. Ran-sama's gonna be _pissed_ … We need, like, all the brooms..."

Quickly, she ran up to the closet door, and opened it, revealing herself as a white-haired tiger girl wearing a very questionable pink uniform.

I handed her a broom. "Here."

"Thanks." She then closes the closet door.

"...Seriously, Koneko-chan, what the fuck…"

...With that, I slowly creaked the door open and peeked around the corner, seeing Koneko, the aptly named neko, and whoever the tiger girl was. Koneko was pouting…

...I proceeded to open the door straight across the hall swiftly, as to not compromise myself further.

I wound up on an upper-floor section of the lobby, rails to my right ensuring the safety of the customers who attended. From here I could see a stage, which was lit up but currently not displaying any entertainment.

Up here I could see various men at tables, talking and joking merrily with one another. All of them were fairly old-looking, however…

"And so I said to her: That's not a youkai, that's my wife!"

A round of laughter from a table to my left sounded out, and I walked casually to keep up appearances. Looking below, I also saw more tables around the perimeter of the room. In the center was a dance floor, with some fluffles getting down with their funky selves, even though no music was playing; the floor was just flashing. It was also only fluffles dancing.

By dancing, I also meant 'flailing wildly'.

My brows twitched at the fluffy display, when suddenly I was tapped on the shoulder, causing me to jump.

"Oh~ ho…! Nervous, aren't you…?"

I turned around to see a blonde neko girl staring at me wryly. "You're a bit… young for this section, don't you think?"

I put my hands up. "Hey, I had the money."

She giggles. "Joking, joking…!"

Good. I was hoping this wasn't some adult section or something, because then I'd be escorted out for all the wrong reasons.

"Have you decided on a table, ye~t…?" The girl tried questioning breathily, leaning in towards my ear as she did so.

"...Yes. I was just admiring the view." While I didn't mind the attention, I came for things, not the women.

She blushes. "Oh, my! You're a bold one, hu~h…?"

...I said that the wrong way, didn't I? Well, shit.

She hugs my arm. "How about we go back to your table… and you tell me a little about yourself…?"

As fun as it would be to tell her of the crimes I've committed today, I think I would be put in a jail or something. Casino Jail, the worst kind of jail.

/ / / / CAN I HAVE SOME GOLDEN GRIN FRIES WITH THAT / / / /

I sat at my table, pretending to drink my bottle of alcohol. Even though I was just swooshing it into my mouth and back out, it still burnt like mouthwash.

"A-and then, Komikoh-cha~n was awl like 'that's my purse!' and she totawly facked his shit _ahp!_ " The blonde neko exclaimed throwing her arms into the air, her… properties bouncing as she did so.

Despite the scene change, its probably only been like, ten minutes. That kitty downs alcohol _fast_.

"...Heartwarming. Did I ever tell you about the times I killed two people?" I state nonchalantly.

"Hahahah! Oh~, yah too funny…" The neko girl swoons.

Looks like I was not going to Casino Jail today.

The white-haired tigeress from before walks up to the table. "Hey, Kirino-chan! What the he-" She pauses, noticing me. "I-I mean, what the heck are you doing!? Your shift was ten minutes ago!"

Am I really that young in appearance? Surely not.

"He~y Komokitomoko...chan-san-sama! Aye wash hangin' wit my goo~d bud… Hish name ish…" She trailed off, still unknowing of my name.

"It's Komoko, you piece of sh-sheetrock, I mean…" Komoko takes this opportunity to compose herself. "...I don't care, you should have asked someone else to take care of the customer, not get yourself drunk off your ass again!" Komoko realizes what she said, and covers her mouth.

I'm just going to assume it's professionalism, and it probably is.

"...S-sorry, sir, I have to, uh, take this employee back…" Komoko apologizes to me, dragging Kirino away.

"Bububut I wahnt _beer_!" Kirino protests as she is dragged away.

...Well, that was eventful. I stand from my table, and stretch my legs a bit. I move back towards the railing, and look down at the lower levels. There's another floor below us of a similar setup, and above us there were multiple large windows that display the night sky. I saw the skylights from here as well. Looking up and to the left from my side of the building, I see a large glass platform with purple furnishing upon, unlike the scarlet and maroon decor of the rest of the club. I recognized two familiar figures, but I could not hear their conversation from here…

What I could make out was that Yuyuko had a large assortment of food sat out for her, and Yukari was there too.

...Probably wouldn't be the best idea to screw with them, so let's not do that.

...A show was starting regardless, so there was that.

...Fluffles began moving onto the stage. Alright, fuck this.

I move to leave the section, and walk back out into the halls the girls were in before. There's a lot less traffic, and no one seems to be really batting an eye to my presence.

I walk down the halls, take a right, and find myself with a few options. The door to the left, to the right, or the stairwell ahead…

I decide to take the stairwell down to the ground level, and make my way towards the doors that lead to- what I'm pretty sure- was the edges of the stage's rear.

I enter the backstage area, and there were a few employees on lights and on panels. A fox girl with many tails was conversing with a rather decorated employee near the stairs that lead up to the panels, although I _did_ notice doors on the upper levels.

"...Don't be so stressed out, Ran-sama." The decorated employee was a bunny girl. Her outfit had fancy shoulder pads and everything. "I'm sure the show will be a great hit with your mistress."

"...I hope you're right…" Ran Yakumo sighs deeply, and she idly looks around at the rafters above. I'm pretty sure that if anyone were to recognize the fact I shouldn't be down here, it'd be her.

I double back and try my approach again from the upper level, and succeed in accessing the rafters. Multiple neko girls were managing the panels that control it, as if it were daunting task. I walk past them and make my way to the stairway that leads to the higher rafters, which unfortunately didn't have door access from anywhere. I eventually reached the top, where I was above the curtains but also above the viewing window of the stage.

Some bunny girls were up here, managing the lights, but there was only like two of them, and they were chatting back and forth to one another.

"Why did we get stuck on sodding light duty?"

"Hey, at least we can go around saying we're the guardians of light now!"

"...I fucking hate you, Momo-chan."

"Hehehe~!"

I look down and see the fluffle ragtime show take place. It's literally just a ring of fluffles running around, kicking their legs up in the air. There's not even music.

...Who the hell produced this!?

...I had an idea, however…

I reached into my sack, and took out the bottle of ink. I tore the cap off, and poured it down onto the stage below.

Pit-patter-patter-patter…

The ink collided in direct course of the fluffle... dancing ring. Quickly, fluffles the ink landed on began freaking out, and the ones that stepped in the puddle began slipping and sliding around, the stage getting stained and the fluffles undergoing turmoil.

"Waa~l!" they wailed, slipping around, and a few of them flailing wildly.

" _What the hell!?_ " roared Ran from below. Quickly, I felt the entire rafter structure vibrate as Ran stomped up steps.

The bunny girls jumped in fright from the sudden noise, and during this I tossed the ink bottle and its cap at them, separately.

They reacted on instinct and caught them, one of the girls getting ink on her dress. "H-hey!"

I took this opportunity to look for some sort of an escape. I saw a few of the ropes that held the stage curtains, and I decided to hop onto one. It began lowering with my weight, and the curtains to the stage… were not dropping with me as I had anticipated. I kinda counted on that, as it was present in various other works of fiction, but um...

"What did you _bitches_ do!?" It was still worth it to hear Ran pissed, though.

I eventually touched down with the floor, and let go of the rope. I don't know what the hell it did, but-

The curtains dropped. And by dropped, I mean they outright fell down, taking a bar of the rafters with them. They crashed to the floor, crushing a few fluffles.

The fluffles turned to me in their rage, a few attacking each other, and I brandished my flame scissors.

"En garde!" I taunt the fluffles, and they charge at me. I jab forward at one that lept at me, which was forced to fall to the floor and burn as a result.

Three other fluffles clung to me, and they were fluffy, for one thing. I shook my leg to get them off, and one leaped right into its burning friend, which meant a burning fluffle was trying to re-attach itself to me. I kicked it in the face, which did not deter it, so I kicked it again. Eventually, I just settled for a risky crouch-and-stab maneuver.

...By now, I had like five fluffles stuck to me, so I just pocketed my scissors and began flailing wildly, ripping at them until they got off me. After a long and grueling fest of flailing, my human capabilities won out and I successfully ripped apart all the unarmed fluffles.

...I stare at the silent audience, and down at the fluffles on the dance floor, who were staring at me expressionlessly.

I grin and bow. "Thank you for viewing our performance…"

...The guys at all the tables begin clapping, and so do any employees on the field.

I look up at Yukari.

...and she's looking _pissed_.

The wood flooring of the stage begins to burn, so I think it'd be a very prime time to fucking book it!

I leap from the stage and onto the dance floor, and the fluffles move to intercept me. I just rip off whichever tries to actually cling to me, and most of the fluffles fail to.

I leap from the dance floor, and proceed towards the exit. I slam open the glass doorway, and stop in front of the two youkai standing guard outside.

"Hey, you two! I had a lot of fun! Thank you for letting me in!" I shook one of their hands, and then ran off into the street.

…The blue-dressed bunny girl raises a brow. "What."

Her friend shakes her head. "I think we've been standing out here too long…"

That's when I fell into a gap.

/ / / / YOU DONE DID PISSED IT AWAY, CAP'N / / / /

"How did you get here? You shouldn't be here." Yukari immediately demanded as I was plopped down in a chair.

I put my arms on the table and sighed. "...Now this is a story all about how… my life got flipped, turned upside down!"

"..." Yukari scowls at me.

I shrug. "Look, what the hell even _was_ that show? The Fluff-time Ragtime?"

I look between Yuyuko, and Yukari. Yuyuko's not even smiling, which is a tad bothersome, as that probably meant bad times friend ahead.

"How did you get past the youkai employees?" Yukari asked.

I threw my arms up. "More like how could I _not_ get past? They weren't exactly the paranoid type."

"What about Ran? She was the one whom was supposed to be overseeing the show…" Yukari was seething.

"...I found ways." I state vaguely, smirking.

"...Tell me those ways." Yukari demands.

"Well, they were very careful and deliberate actions, for one thing." I add helpfully.

"If you don't tell me, I'll find out anyway." Yukari threatens.

I shrug. "Not like I'll need access to your silly little fun club regardless."

Another chair is gapped in, and suddenly, Satori Komeiji is dropped into it. She wasn't even awake, clad in her pajamas.

"..." Yukari stares at her. "...Not what I had in mind."

She leans over the table and slaps Satori in the face… which just results in her falling to the floor.

...Oh, it woke her up, too. "Hmph? Ou~ch…" Satori groaned from the floor. "W-where…"

She was gapped back into her chair in the upright position. Yukari was apparently impatient today.

"...Komeiji, I expect your full cooperation right now." Yukari demands of her.

"S-so many voices… I don't like this dream…" Satori rests her head on the table.

I nod at Satori. "...Maybe you should interrogate me in the morning."

Yukari gaps in an air horn.

Bwa-Bwa-Bwa-Bwaaaah!

"Wake up!" Yukari barks.

Satori shoots up in her seat. "W-wah!?"

"Look, it's very simple…" Yukari begins. "Read his mind for us."

Satori blinks. "O-okay…?"

I wonder how that's supposed to work. I suppose I'll just start thinking about the lyrics to-

"Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, since I just referenced that…" "Satori vocalized my internal monologue- and holy shit this is getting trippy." "I attempted to elaborate on Satori's quotation, but she proceeded to quote my elaboration. Oh, shit."

"...I think from now on, I'll just ignore if Satori says my internal monologue." "I decided."

"Yukari sighs deeply." "...This was not what I was expecting."

"Well, that's just too bad, isn't it?" "Yukari glares at Satori, but then glares at me." "Oh, that was your thought, wasn't it?" "Yukari narrows her eyes at me."

Satori blinks, and holds her head. "T-that… was unique. Almost like reading a book, or something."

And this just got really meta.

"...What do you mean?" Satori tilted her head at me.

Oh, crap, she can still read my internal monologue!

"...It doesn't just go away when I stop vocalizing it. In fact, I hardly ever vocalize it." Satori explains, a bit annoyed.

Yukari slams her hands on the table. "Now, how did you get in here?"

Fluffy days. Also, your security sucks!

"...Fluffy days. Your security sucks too, apparently." Satori explains.

"Tch…" Yukari looks away, frowning. "...Alright, then… No more questions."

That's fine by-

"Did you kill anyone today!?" Yukari shouts, slamming her hands again.

"No." I say. I don't know what direction this is taking.

Satori begins to open her mouth, but Yukari gaps her finger in front of her lips to silence her.

"...Trick question. I can smell the blood." Yukari grins.

Oh. Right. I forgot about that.

Satori looks at me funny.

I shrug. "What? It's a living."

With that, Satori is gapped away. "Hwa~h!"

I grin. "...You still don't know how I got in."

Yukari opens a gap, and stares into it. She pans the gap around for me to see it, and shows me the house right next to the casino. From the gap, I see numerous town guardsmen investigating the property. The gap then shifts to the corpse; more specifically, the scissor wound in the back. Next, it pans to the fire damage.

"...I think I know how you got in, now." Yukari stared at the gap for a while longer before closing it.

"...Oh, dear…" Yuyuko frowns at what she sees.

I raise my arms back behind my head. "...All in a day's work. What did you expect?"

Yukari grins. "...Saying things like that. Talking as if your actions were a game, and if you were above consequences. You would make an excellent youkai, you know?"

I shake my head. "Offer respectfully declined."

"I wasn't offering." Yukari leaned forward on the table. "...And to think that I thought it a remotely plausible idea to drop you off with the Hakurei."

I shrug. "Well, technically, she sent me here as a result of the events of the incident. My hands are-"

"The only reason you're alive right now is because Yuyuko thinks you can change."

...That's funny.

Yuyuko is still frowning as she chips in. "...Have you ever heard the saying… that even the worst kind of person can still change?"

I like how I'm already considered the worst kind of person. I'm sure that despite my downsides, there are worse people than me.

"Depends on what you mean by change." I grin.

Yukari is still all frowny faces. "...I dislike wildcards, as shocking as it might seem. Particularly when they are _not_ in my favor…"

...Oh, yeah. "Maybe you should have actually taught Reimu how to use that radar." I add.

"I had hoped she would figure it out on her own. I guess the Hakurei intuition is a thing of the past." Yukari's getting salty.

"Even if she did, I don't think she gave much of a shit." I continue adding.

"Then maybe the Hakurei are growing less responsible." Yukari argued.

…"I actually can't argue with that." I kinda agree there, not that that's a bad thing, mind you. Makes my life easier.

...We sit in a lovable moment of silence.

"...Don't let me down." Yuyuko insists.

"No promises." I rattle off instantly.

"...I'll take this into consideration." Yukari states. "...I don't want to hibernate for the winter with someone like him running around Gensokyo."

Say what now? She hibernates?

…

"...Actually, I guess I will promise you something." I look at Yuyuko in the eyes. If I can get free-roam during her hibernation period, I'd have a seriously great time.

Anyhow, bullshit mode, go! "...I-I wanna stop killing people." I let my expression fall as I gaze at Yuyuko.

"I-I think it'd be best if I changed… to relieve this deep, dreadful suffering plaguing my very existence." I slowly put my hand over my mouth as I said this.

"I… only hurt people around me, and it makes them despise me. I'm not sure if I want to continue living like this, unable to control myself..." And I finally look down at the table while letting my eyelids droop.

Yuyuko looks hopeful.

Yukari scowls at me. "...If you let my best friend down… you're going to have a bad time."

C'mon Yukari… I know where that quote is from! I already beat him, too!

"I-I'll try not to let you down, Yukari." I'm almost a bit guilty from how gullible Yuyuko is behaving right now, but I think Yukari smells my bullshit from a mile away. Still, it's getting somewhere, and I can't help but let loose a sinister grin while my mouth is still covered by my hand.

With that, I was gapped away.

/ / / / UR GONNA HAVE A BATH, TIM. / / / /

Yuyuko and Yukari turn to each other the moment he's gone.

"...Do you believe a word of what he says?" Yukari looks at her friend skeptically.

Yuyuko shakes her head. "...Truthfully, no, but I'm hopeful there was an ounce of truth to his words. I think he just needs time."

Yukari smiles. "Hah. Time."

/ / / / CHAPTER END GUFF / / / /

CHAPTER 21.5 END

PROTAGONIST: Matthew, the Debatably Sane Outsider, Lord of Edges

PRIMARY WEAPON: Bloodied Steel Scissors - Stained lightly with fresh blood from a young human female. Sharp, shiny-ish, and to the point!

INVENTORY:

Steel scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Quick Scissorang - Non-elemental scissors that are enchanted to return to the owner with ferocity. Not that powerful of a weapon, but combined with strong string it can be used like a powerful grappling hook. Looks like it belongs in a Barbie catalog.

Flame Scissors - Fire-elemental scissors that have an incendiary effect on strike. Boosts fire magic and abilities, as if I had any.

Steel-alloy String - An experimental item provided by Alice as part of her testing. She uses these herself to manage her dolls, or so I'm told.

A Tuft of Cloth Strings - Pink, regular cotton string. It's soft, and clean.

A Fluffy Hooligan - Soft, and warm to the touch. Ech!

Book of Rebomb - Teaches basic and advanced bomb magic. Written in some fantastical language, so I can't read it.

(2 more empty spaces)

PARTY:

Rebomb Fluffle - Soft, and warm to the touch. Ech! Has a gag on to keep it from casting Rebomb over and over again, which would be a very bad time.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Rebomb - Advanced bomb spell that blows up the nearby vicinity with random bombs. Very random damage.

INVENTORY:

Finsticuffs.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

this was a really fun chapter to write overall

i feel like it really portrayed matt well as like, a villain in a way, as well as show off some fun scenarios and it really actually felt like a chapter in the midst of stuff and things

i got to show off some fun settings and demonstrate that yes, incident things are infact happening in the background

i also kinda wanna reflect upon that OBVIOUS ASSPULL at the end of this chapter where matt should have been DEAD TO RIGHTS BY STANDARD DEFINITION… the main reason he's not is because plot armor and the continuation of fun times; not just gonna kill off my people anticlimactically, yo. like i've said before, tryin'a be transparent with you guys

as always, see you next time!

CO-AUTHOR'S NOTE:

quite the satisfying chapter, this one. personal favorite of all my appearances thus far

i found the beginning kinda slow to start, but it picked up after entering the human village (almost to ridiculous degrees in the middle of it)

the guy up top wanted to make a "WOW IM AN EVIL BASTARD OH PLEASE NO" kind of scenario, and i wanted the contrary… so we got this instead. it was like, the completely opposite direction of his intentions. and i like it.

it only gets worse from here on out.

see ya later, don't die before then


	25. The Clap

(in which we have a marching band accident)

Walking along the lake, Ha-chan and I see some fairy friends!

"...Well, I guess everything turned out alright in the end…" Daiyousei murmured.

Cirno grinned, moving her hands to her hips. "They musta been too scared of Frost Fairy Warrior Cirno!"

Cirno, your arrogance is showing.

"...Sure." Daiyousei went from timid to vaguely annoyed faster than one might snap their fingers.

Ha-chan waves at them. "Hello~! Friends!"

Ha-chan, please don't.

Cirno and Daiyousei start floating over. Dammit.

"Hey there, fellow ice fairy! Have my lessons proved your might yet?" Cirno greets Ha-chan.

"N-not really, Cirno-senpai…" Ha-chan timidly mutters. "...You see, I-I don't think I'm actually an ice fairy…"

Cirno shakes her head, frowning. "...Look. Buddy, buddy, buddy… you can't be one if you think like that! You gotta put time and effort into it! I know you'll cast your first ice danmaku someday!"

Ha-chan smiles sheepishly. "Ahah…"

Dude… "Cirno, do you know the old one-two?" I ask her.

"I don't have to tie these shoes!" Cirno gestures to her shoeless feet.

Daiyousei taps her on the shoulder. "Cirno-chan, you don't wear shoes…"

I shake my head. "No, no, no, yo. The old one-two fightin' style, yo!"

I just used 'yo' twice in a single line of text. Help. I'm even worse than Marisa when she says 'ze'.

Cirno scoffs. "Pffft… Of course I know the old one-two! Who do you think _invented_ fighting?"

Uhhh… Sun-Tzu? Reimu Hakurei?

"Me!" Cirno proudly thrusts a thumb to her chest. "Eye invented fighting, and perfected it, so no one could beat me in the ring of honor!"

Daiyousei giggles. "T-that you did, Cirno…"

"Did eye ever tell you of that time eye got two of every type of fairy to play in the lake, and eye-"

As fun as this story was… "Hey, Cir-"

"Froze every single one!" Cirno cheered, disregarding my attempt to interrupt her.

...If you had two of every single type of fairy, wouldn't there be ice fairies in there too? Whatever, look… "Cirno, if you know the ol' one-two, why doncha show me?"

Cirno furrows her brows. "...Um…"

I start rolling my fists. "Yo, it's like…" I roll one into my stomach, stopping it before I punch myself, "One!" and I roll the other into my face. "Two!"

Cirno grins. "Easy!" She begins rolling her fists… "O~ne- oouch…" She punched herself hard in the stomach apparently. She resumed rolling her fists, and hit herself in the face, sending herself sprawling to the floor.

"Gah!"

I nod in satisfaction. "You are truly a martial arts master. I am humbled by your presence."

Daiyousei giggles.

"E-eye'm the strongest!" Cirno proudly declares from the floor. "...That technique sucks, though…"

I begin walking, finished with this encounter. "Let me know when you master it!" I call back to Cirno as I walk away, Ha-chan in pursuit.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I watch as various fairies lazily work to rebuild the Hakurei Shrine. Gee, I wonder what happened to it this time…?

...I think that, but I know quite well what happened.

Reimu lazily sits on the stone path outside the shrine as she oversees the fairies as they do their work. Marisa seems to also be here, bossing around the fairies.

"Hey, beam G goes to connector G! The process is optimized, ze! No, don't-!"

I saw a whole section of rebuilt walling collapse inward towards the pile of rubble that was already present.

"...Damn." Marisa sighs, bringing her hands to her head. "What the hell…"

Reimu sighs. "That's nice…"

I walk up to her and sit down next to her. "Hello, friend."

"Hey." She looks over to me. "...Where were you this last incident? I thought you were trying to compete for glory for awhile there."

I grin. "Well, let's just say that I've acquired a story… **for glory!** "

I whirl around to Ha-chan, who is idly standing behind me watching the fairies. "Ha-chan, cue the fanfare!"

She looks around confused.

"The fanfare! Ha-chan, do it!"

She tilts her head, shrugging.

"J-just clap your hands or something…"

She starts clapping frantically.

"Yea~h! Woo!" I pump my arms.

Some of the fairies working on the construction stop working and begin clapping for no reason.

"That's right, yo, round of applause!" I pretend to bow while sitting down, which is uncomfortable but necessary!

Reimu turns to me, frowning. "Hey hey, you're distracting the laborers. Knock it off."

Alright, alright. "Ha-chan, hold your applause!"

...I find out that Ha-chan left her spot and had gone to go join the other fairies in their clapping. Soon, all the worker fairies stopped working and had began clapping. It became hard to hear anything over the, uh…

ClapClapClapClapClapClap!

Woah, no.

"...Look what you've done…" Reimu facepalms.

"W-what the hell!? I can't hear myself thi~nk!" Marisa shouts at the fairies.

ClapClapClapClapClapClap!

Eheh… I stand up. "Whelp, it's time for me to hit the ol'... dusty trail…" I trail off, beginning to back away slowly.

Reimu grabs my ankle. "Not after this mess you made, you aren't!"

Woah, no! I try to move away, but Reimu's grip forces me to just trip and fall instead.

"Oof…" I break my fall with my arms, leaving red marks on them. Thanks, Reimu!

"Fix it, or I'll fix you." Reimu threatens.

I stand up, and Reimu lets go of my ankle. Now I looked at the crowd of clapping fairies, and I had ideas…

"Hey Reimu, do you have any kitchenware?"

She bobs her head back and forth. "A little. Why?"

Hmmm, that's not good enough…

"We're gonna need a lot." I provide. "Perhaps we should ask the Scarlets for some fine silverware…" I propose. I just realized something… Do Remilia and Flandre dine with silverware? Is it actually silver, or do they use the cheap iron everyone else ever uses? Wouldn't silverware burn them? Waa~u…

"...Is it _really_ that imperative?" Reimu vainly stares at me.

I nod. "Yeah, super important."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: SAKUYA'S PERSPECTIVE ====

There we are… The kitchen is nearly finished.

Walking into it, I look to the left and see Komi, Namori, and Koi suspiciously eying a few bags of sugar.

"...T-those other guys were having lo~ts of fun…" Namori mutters, contemplating the unthinkable act of ripping open the sugar and sploshing about in it like a maniac.

Komi turns away and scoffs. "Such an act… would be unbecoming of me…" ...She then brings her hands to her face. "B-but I want to…"

I walk up behind them. "Get back to work, you slackers."

"K-kyaaa~h!" Namori jumps.

"H-huh!?" Komi flinches.

"Yeaa~h!" Koi dashes towards the sugar.

Time… stop!

…

I walk forward towards the sugar, and stand in front of Koi. I take a knife out and hold it in my left hand, fully extending it outward.

Time… start!

Shink!

"A-ah…" Koi ran straight into the silver knife. "N-no fair…"

She walked backward, before dropping back onto her ass. "A-ahah…"

Troublesome children… "That sugar is not for throwing around like it were a pillow. That sugar is for consumption."

Suddenly, a familiar voice causes me to freeze in place.

"Yaa~hooo~!" Marisa yells as she rockets into the kitchen. "Where's the forks? Where's the knives?... Where's the sporks!?"

Brad leaps off her broom and starts ripping open drawers. "Found the spoons!" He poured the spoons into his sack.

T-they're trashing the kitchen! I toss knives towards Marisa, but she weaves through the waves.

Marisa grins wryly. "Found the knives!"

Brad opens a cupboard. "Found the pots and pans!" He begins scooping them into his sack.

Time… stop!

…

I walk towards Brad. He apparently shot his eyes towards me, as if he knew I was going to stop time. I wouldn't be entirely surprised.

…

I meticulously position a wave of knife danmaku in front of him. No matter which way he moves, I don't think he can avoid that.

…

I throw some waves towards Marisa, mostly because I know that she knows all of my cheaper snares. Bleh.

…

Time… start!

"Oh, shi-aaauuugh!" Brad wails as he's pelted by knife bullets, sending him sprawling to the ground.

"Shit! I need the oaf, ze!" Marisa pretty much ignored my knives and started making her way towards Brad. "He's mission critical!"

I can't let that happen! I toss thin streams at Marisa with haste, but it doesn't seem to do much good.

Marisa hops off her broom next to Brad, and aims her mini-hakkero at me…

Oh, fuck me.

"Not another move, ze!"

Act cool… "...I can avoid such a card with ease. Do you take me for a fool?" I sneer at Marisa.

Marisa nods. "Yeah, I do. 'Cause I know you're trying to rebuild stuff. Would be a real shame if something happened to, say…" She looks around the room. "...That stove over there. How much that cost?"

Ah, the cheap stove. Thank god. "...I-it's very expensive, you see…"

Marisa nods… "...Not buyin' it. Besides, this spark'll just trash everything! No need to discriminate!"

No!

Brad latches to Marisa's ankle. "Marisa… before I die, yo… I wantcha ta know…"

Marisa's eyes go wide. "D-die!? You can't die, now! Reimu's gonna be pissed! You still didn't tell me what the hell we're stealing silverware for!"

Brad's voice raised. "I wantcha ta know!..."

"What!?" Marisa shouts, now fully focused on him.

"...Reimu has sexy armpits." With that, Brad closed his eyes. Danmaku wasn't lethal, so he wasn't dead, that I was sure of.

Marisa pauses. Then, she begins giggling. It slowly transitions to ballistic laughter.

"Hahahahah! Ohh- hahaha! That's rich, ze! Hahaha!"

...Well. "...Look, witch. I'll let you go if you hand the boy over to me."

Marisa lifts Brad and clumsily dumps him onto the broom- "Oof! Hey, watch the corpse, lady!" -and turns to me with a cheeky expression.

"Sorry, yo. I gotta go bury the dead, and stuff. Also…" Marisa takes the sack from Brad and pulls out more shelves, and dumps them in. I react quickly, dashing towards her, but she hops on her broom.

"Comet! Blazing Star!"

That's bad. _Really_ bad.

The back of her broom begins charging with magical energy. Dashing, I toss knives, knowing that they'd at least get there faster than I could. Stopping time to get in her way would only end poorly if she ended up taking off anyway.

...In retrospect, I could have just stopped time to make her a pincushion versus charging her, but I already didn't know how much damage was enough to begin with…

Fwwoo-OOOM!

Eaaagh!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Marisa took off like a rocket, the magical blast produced by the spell completely obliterating the kitchen behind her. Poor Sakuya… she was gonna need a freakin' breather after that one.

Speaking of, this spell was loud.

-OOOOOO-

Ouch.

-OOOoooo-

My ears…

-ooom-oom-m-mm…

...It finally died down!

Marisa started talking, I think. I can't hear her, though. Pain.

"I wish I brought earplugs. By the way, I can't hear you speak, I'm deaf at the moment." I ramble out.

I see Marisa laughing.

...Slowly, the sounds of wind come back to me.

"...-ze." Marisa finished a sentence, apparently!

"Could you repeat that? I think I heard it…" I ask her.

"...You get. Used to it. Ze." Marisa slowly pronounced her sentence like I was fookin' stoopid.

Right… "Remind me to snag some ear muffs or plugs or somethin'..."

...We're already like, halfway to the Hakurei Shrine. I'd be lying if I said that spell wasn't effective.

"...What did you even need silverware for?" Marisa asks the fun question.

"Stuff." I answer.

"...I repeat: what did you even need silverware for?" Marisa wasn't taking no for an answer.

"And things." I elaborated.

Marisa groaned. "...You're gonna have to tell _Reimu_ , at least."

"Don't worry, yo. Don't worry." O~h, boy!

...My muscles still hurt like hell from that barrage of knives. Sakuya really turned me into a pincushion there! I clumsily felt my limbs wrapped around the broom. If I had the neck strength to look up right now, I'm sure I'd see a perfect view of Marisa's bum. Maybe if I tried hard enough…

Hnnngh! Dang…

Hnn~gh! Darn it…

"Huuaaaah!" I roared, desperately trying to crane my neck to view Marisa's ass. I had marginal success in getting a glimpse, but the position was too uncomfortable to hold. "Dammit, dammit, dammit!"

"Don't hurl back there! I just paid off the loan on this thing!" Marisa shouts back to me.

Broom loans!

We neared the Hakurei Shrine, the roar of clapping slowly getting louder.

Marisa turned around and nudged me off the broom, and I landed on the dirt next to Reimu.

"A-aah…" I weakly gasped. Bad times friend ahead.

Reimu had her ears covered. "I don't care what, just do something!"

...I would, but I'm in no position to exist in the waking world right now. "...Help, friend." I mutter from the dirt.

"...Marisa, what the hell did you do!?" Reimu shouted over the clapping.

Marisa flew back over us and dropped my sack on me, which gently floated down to land on my back.

"It was the maid! She got him good, ze, she got him good!" Marisa kneeled down next to me for dramatic effect. "He was a brave soldier. His legacy will live on!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: MARISA'S PERSPECTIVE ====

ClapClapClapClapClapClap!

We can deal with the clap storm later. First, we have loots!

Let's see, let's see…

I pluck that neat bag off of Brad while he lays numbly on the floor. I don't think he'll be needing this at the moment!

"H-health potion, yo…" he requests.

He had some of those? Maybe he was smarter than I thought…

"But first, let me see if you have anything to exchange for my services…" I cheekily grinned as I dug into his bag.

Reimu groaned. "Is _now_ the time to be conning people, Marisa?"

Pffft. "It's always the time to be conning people, Reimu. You should know that better than anybody."

"...Shut up." Woo! Take that, Reimu!

I reach into the sack, and pull out some kinda plant hanger…

"Woah, what the hell is this one?" It was all blue and silvery and stuff!

"...It looks like… that water one from earlier? It's a bit different, though…" Reimu tilted her head.

I twist the valve-

Fwoooosh!

...I turn it back around, my hat drooping and soaked on my head.

ClapClapClapClapClapClap!

That clapping was annoying.

"Yeah, I don't think I want this, ze." I stuff it back into the bag. Digging around, I find…

"...This looks tacky." I comment. It was a white and gold hanger of some kind, with holy inscriptions on it.

Reimu nodded. "It looks more for decoration purposes than for actual efficient combat."

...Reimu, it's a plant hanger. I think all these incidents have been getting to you…

I detect a spell imbued in it! Time to charge it up…!

Flash!

...I blink as my vision slowly returns. "...That sucks, too."

ClapClapClapClapClapClap!

"...Do you have _any_ good hangers in here? Like, ones that _aren't_ entirely counterproductive?" I complain. I'm pissed! I expected him to have treasure and crap, not these stupid paddywhacks!

Finally, I take out some mechanical looking plant hanger, if you could call it that. Latches, locks, and pulleys… this thing was ugly from a decorative perspective. Too much machinery!

"What… is this?" I'm not sure what I'm looking at, but that look on Brad's face tells me this is probably something important. "...A key item, I see? Very good…" I raise it up and pretend to throw it to the ground, causing Brad to twitch. "Hahaha!"

This thing had magically activated effects too. Interesting…

Charging it, it shot out a single danmaku bullet after eating only far too much mana to be efficient.

"...This is all crap." I sigh. Whatever it is, it can screw off. I toss it at the floor…

Blam!

"Aaaa~h!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: REIMU'S PERSPECTIVE ====

I watch Marisa fly across the lawn from the blast before she crashes into one of the walls of the shrine, forcing it to fold in and collapse.

I turn back to Brad, who was also launched by the explosion. I don't think he was even conscious now.

"H-help…" Marisa raised a hand from the pile of paper and wood that once was the shrine's wall.

ClapClapClapClapClapClap!

The clapping only made the situation worse.

...Somehow, both my friends managed to totally destroy each other, and we weren't even fighting anything except our own incompetence.

I sigh. "...You guys are hopeless."

I move towards Marisa, and when I get to her I begin to pull her from the wreckage.

...Hnnh…

She was wedged in pretty good…

Hnngh!

Plunk!

…

Well, she's out. Technically.

Marisa pouts. "...This sucks." She looked like a hermit crab, with her bum jammed into a wooden square, forcing her to hunch over and walk like a midget.

I shake my head, smiling. "You brought that upon yourself."

"How was I supposed to know the thing was rigged!?" Marisa tried to pry the wood frame off her rear, to little avail. "...Help me out, here!"

I shake my head. "You're more manageable like that."

I walk over to Brad, who was in fact unconscious. "...You fucking idiot."

I blink. Did that really just come out of my mouth? It feels like deja vu for whatever reason…

I lift him up and walk back towards the shrine.

ClapClapClapClapClapClap!

That was _still_ going on, by the way. They were having a blast. The time of their never-ending lives.

"...At least give me some ear plugs…" Marisa submits to her fate of being a hermit crab.

"It's a good thing they burned in the fire, huh?" I sneer.

"You need to build the shrine from stone, ze. Maybe it'd stop burning down. Did you remember to unplug the toaster?"

Pfft. "Are you kidding? Stone is such a troublesome material… I'd have to get it _sculpted_ , and _painted_ , and then the rain would screw it all up… eehhh…"

Also, what the hell was a toaster? I'm not sure if I wanted to know. I've heard Yukari speak of them before, but…

Marisa blinks. "Dude… Reimu, you're Reimu. Just go beat up Suwako and make her build you a stone temple or something. It can even be filled with deadly dart traps and stuff! Oooh, oooh- make it so the front staircase drops a gaint boulder on people!" she finishes excitedly.

Really, now… "Am I trying to kill guests, or what? The shrine doesn't need defenses like that."

...I was tempted to go beat up Suwako so she'd make me a fireproof shrine, though, I'll admit.

"Then why did it burn down to begin with?" Marisa made that annoying 'no way I lost this argument' face she likes to do when she gets heated. "Exactly."

...She might have a point. "I don't know, it could have been Suika doing something stupid while she was drunk again. It wouldn't be the first time."

Marisa rolls her eyes. "Yeah, okay."

ClapClapClapClapClapClap!

I was tempted to just go beat the everloving shit out of the fairies by this point.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

I'm alive!

I sit up slowly, my muscles aching again. Man, I've just been getting owned these past few scenes, yo…

ClapClapClapClapClapClap!

What the fuck? Why!? That's still going on!?

I was sitting on the shreds of a futon, apparently. Reimu was beside me, drinking tea and glaring into space. Marisa was behind her, trying to use her broom to wedge a frame of wood from her butt.

...I don't even know what happened, but I think we got our asses kicked. I don't remember much after that explosion… or anything at all. Oh, wait, that's right! Marisa wanted to steal my crap, but it exploded, and uh, yeah...

…

ClapClapClapClapClapClap!

I really had to get my ass in gear!

"Alright, time to put my plan into action, yo…" I crack my knuckles, which actually works 'cause I haven't really done it since this fanfic began!

Reimu glances towards me. "...Oh, right. You were supposed to do something about this, weren't you?"

I nod. "Yo, I'm workin' on it, I'm workin' on it."

I say 'yo' way too much, but it sounds so fun…!

"...I'll take your word for it." Reimu glances to Marisa. "You, help him do the things."

"I'm trying to help myself at the moment!" Marisa irately snaps back, still struggling to remove the wooden frame.

I grin. "Y'know, I could help her-"

"No. You're too busy. Go be busy." Reimu grins.

Please, no. "...I-I'm not that-"

"Go on, shoo." Reimu waves her hand at me.

"...You win this time…" I grumble. I _suppose_ it was time to put my plan into action…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I smile at the results!

Clang! KlinkKlinkKlink! Bwaa~ng! Bwaa~ng!

Clang Clang Clang!

"What the hell's with all this noise!?" Reimu yells, marching towards me.

I grin. "They're not clapping any more, friend."

You know those pots, pans, and assorted cutlery?

Bang Bang Bang! Bwaa~ng!

"B-but…" Reimu looked at the assorted instruments the fairies were all playing, brows furrowing. "...This was your plan all along wasn't it?"

I nod. "Yeah." Satisfaction…

It was now a fairy marching band!

"Yeaa~y!" Ha-chan cheers in joy as she waves her marching staff around, which is comprised of some charred ofuda and a broken beam of the shrine. They weren't necessarily marching, more like 'haphazardly roaming while creating noise', but y'know...

Clang! KlinkKlinkKlink! Bwaa~ng! Bwaa~ng!

Clang Clang Clang!

Marisa was still stuck. "...I dunno whether to be pissed at you, or be amused that Reimu's pissed at you, ze."

Now that I thought about it, her saying 'ze' is a lot like going 'ye' this day and age. Marisa just did it before it was cool.

...Fridge logic!

It was this moment that I decided to reflect upon the beautiful blue sky. Not a cloud in sight, yo. Y'know, looking at the sky always makes me-

Thwack!

"You idiot!" Reimu shouted.

Thwack!

Pain!

Thwack!

Woah, no!

Thwack!

Aaaahhh~, aaaahhh~!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Reimu, Marisa, and I sat atop a pile of rubble. All the fairy friends died.

"Help, no." I monotone.

"...I think I'll have Suika organize the next fairy construction session…" Reimu thought aloud.

Marisa glared at Reimu, indignant. "Hey, it wasn't my fault that-"

"Because chances are, the fairies won't look at you the same way now, having been inducted into a marching band and promptly slaughtered." Reimu deadpanned.

Marisa twitched. "...Nyeehh…"

I just realized… "The Hakurei Shrine caught the clap, yo. No wonder it fell apart." I grin and look at Reimu for her reaction.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I sat at the bottom of the Hakurei Shrine's trademark giant stone staircase, a sandal print embedded in my ass, or so I assumed.

It was like sunset, now. I spent too much of my day dead from the neck up!

Where could I go from here? Ha-chan was slaughtered with the others in what I'd like to dub the Great Fairy Marching Accident of whenever-the-hell we were. It's still two-thousand fifteen, right?

Hyonk.

...I could try going to Yuuka for that 'reward', but I think I need an adult to do that. The village probably wants to lynch me to various extents, and Eientei… is probably decent right now. I might go there, actually…

Also, screw climbing Youkai Mountain. Kanako better invent those teleporting statues from Majora's Mask or I'm going to seldom come up there.

"...Haa~h!" I hear someone exhale loudly nearby!

I turn to the source of the noise, and find myself looking at a woman with long green hair, a pale blue ghost tail, and a blue… dress, thing. I'm not a fashionista.

She looks towards the shrine from her position at the bottom of the stairs near me, and shakes her head. "...All that time sneaking under the staircase, and the place just fell over? Seriously?"

She looks towards me. "You passing by, or did you come from the shrine?"

...Times that I wish I had a Twix bar…

This woman is obviously Mima… just Mima. No known last name! It'd be hard to have not known of her. Why did she decide to pop up just now?

"...Hmm. No answer. Look, guy, I'm not a youkai… that you need to be afraid of, anyway. At the moment." Oh, okay. Seems legit!

...You're lucky I've already lost my marbles, ghost girl, or I'd have been running for the hills like a sane village hooligan. "...I may have come from the shrine."

Mima nods. "You're not a youkai, that much is obvious. What the hell happened up there? Last time I checked, Reimu wouldn't even let the oni so much as chip the tea table, let alone let some youkai burn down the shrine."

She knew Reimu apparently, so that was fluffy. Now the question is… do I tell her the ugly truth? I make a difficult expression, involuntarily mind you, as I think of how to answer…

"...I probably shouldn't'ave said her name." she murmured. "Look, is the Hakurei Miko still alive? It's not every day the shrine burns down 'cause she's alright…"

I nod. "Yeah, she's still alive." Trust me, the shrine's been freakin' totalled a couple times, and that's just while I've been here.

Mima looked puzzled. "...What happened, then? I mean hell, my seal shouldn't be broken if she's still alive, either. It'd either take a group of angry youkai, or a really pissed off oni to free me."

That I don't know! I can't really think up an amusing lie, so I'll just tell her something stupider. "The shrine was being rebuilt, but then the fairies all caught the clap, so to cure them I stole silverware from the Scarlet Devil Mansion to make an impromptu marching band. Reimu then pelted them for being an annoying marching band, thus creating the Great Fairy Marching Accident of What-I-Assume-Is-November, two thousand fifteen."

…

"...That shrine only attracts weird people." Mima huffed, folding her arms. "Well, only attract _ed_ weird people. Not so much any more."

I put up my hands. "No- like, legit! You can even ask Reimu and Marisa, they both were there and participated in the pain."

Mima smirked. "Marisa, hmm~? Kirisame?"

I nod. "The one and only, yo."

She nods. "I might pay her a visit at some point… but for now, I think I'll just go touring for a bit, see what's changed."

Fluffy. "Koo, yo…"

Watch, as I try to walk away, she's gonna be all like 'nope you're going to be coming with me son and we're gonna bond and shit' or something, as these things typically go.

Mima puts an ethereal hand on my shoulder, somehow. "And you'll be coming with!"

Yeah, I called it. Sorry to say, yo, but I don't feel like escorting miss-lasers-a-lot around the land of dragons!... and by dragons, I mean magical girls. Not like there was a big difference- the magical girls were probably equally if not more deadly than dragons.

I shake my head. "Sorry, friend, but I've got things to make, people to go, places to meet, and friends to do." ...or something!

"Did I say you had a choice?" Mima's expression turned from jovial to dark in moments.

I shake my head. "I'm makin' a choice."

Time to guess her identity…! "Mima Hakurei."

…

"...Pffft! Hahaha~!" Mima's condescending glare broke, and she burst out laughing. "Ohhh… fuck! Hahaha!"

I think I guessed wrong! "...Hey, yo, I tried."

She giggled, her hands on her stomach now. "Heheh… how the hell would that even work? Mima fucking Hakurei. Geez… Boy, I only just now remembered I don't have lungs. I musta been sealed for some time, huh?"

While she was rambling, I tried to edge away…

...only to find her behind me, hand on my shoulder. Again. Shieut, man. "You're not getting away that easily, boy."

I sigh. "Freakin'... yo."

"Freakin' yo, indeed." Mima repeats, amused. "...So where did you learn my name from?"

Dayum, first time I ran into complications involving where I got my knowledge from! I shoulda been more on guard regarding that; I suppose I've gotten careless. I pause to think…

I'm grappled by my shoulders. "I said… to tell me where you heard my name." Nice glare! Maybe I can…

"Yo ho ho! Nice glare, yo! I like to glare too!" I give her my best 'I'm gonna rip off your head and shit down your neck' glare.

She gives a lopsided grin. "...You're hiding something, then. I suppose we'll have to do this the hard way, then. Look into my eyes."

I reach into my sack, while making my eyes go cross-eyed instead of bothering to look away. She reaches a hand off my shoulder and creates a flash to the right of my vision.

Flash!

"Damn, they usually look away and to the right like smartasses…" She glares into my crossed eyes, trying to gauge where to put her hand next.

As fun as truth telling spells were, I think I'll try to actually talk my way out of the situation now. "Alright, alright, yo! I'll talk, enough freakin' jedi mind probes!"

Flash!

"Third time's the charm…!" She tries both hands, and I close my eyes.

Flash!

"You stupid...!" Mima glares at me, pissed. "I'll just beat the shit out of you instead, then."

I slip out my Holy Hanger, and hold it up- as best I can with a hand on the shoulder I was trying to use, anyway.

"Say cheese!"

Flash!

…

I blink as my eyes regain focus. Mima was just floating in place, arms folded- and hands off my shoulders! Hyonk!

"...When the hell did villagers learn holy spells? Reimu's gonna be out of a job real soon." Mima chuckled.

I grinned. "This villager's gonna end your career! Hyah!"

I brought the holy hanger down on her head… or tried to.

"...Buddy. I'm a ghost. Y'know… incorporeal?" Mima looks unimpressed.

I swing again. "Engh!"

"...That's uh… not going to work, ever." Mima awkwardly stared at me.

I swung again. "Huah!"

Spinning around, I swung again. It was weaker than before, because spinning like a jackass is not a viable combat strategy! Kingdom Hearts, you taught me wrong!

"...Oka~y…" Mima didn't know what to think.

"Hah!" I start jabbing at her ghost tail.

"...If it didn't work like the last five times…"

"You have lost!" I exclaim, flailing wildly with the plant hanger, failing to even reach her.

She grabs the plant hanger. "Why the hell would it work the next ten times you try it!?"

I shrug. "I dunno. Holy hanger, you're a ghostie… I thought ghosts were weak to holy crap."

She shakes her head. "What the hell's a holy spirit, then?"

Shieut. "...Well. Point taken, and well made."

She nods. "You learn fast." First time anyone's told me that! Hyonk.

In any case… "I've got things to do, missy. Flower fields to infiltrate, librarian's pants to get into, video games to play…"

Mima raises a brow. "The former will kill you, I'm sure. Try doing the other two."

I shake my head. "Nope, nope. I'm gonna stick my face in a sunflower and fucking eat it."

Mima sighed. "What the hell even happened to the village? Is it still around, or did it fall because everyone was like you?"

I'd like to imagine a village of me would be filled with neon pink, lime green, and teal buildings with tons of porn and neon signs. That'd be the shit, yo. "Yeah, it's gone. It was hit by, in fact, multiple trucks, and died."

Mima giggled. "Alright, I'll take your word for it… What's a truck, anyway?"

Fookin' eras old ghost girl. Don't know what it's like to roll coal and pollute the world and waste fuel! You haven't lived until you've dyed your lungs black and freakin' died of smoke inhalation, yo…

Oh, wait. She's already dead.

…

"...Hello?" She waves a hand in front of my face. "Did humanity get stupider, or something?"

I nod. "Basically…!"

…

Mima blinks. "Wait, the village is really gone, then?"

I shrug. "Freakin' mowed down, yo. Destroyed. Decimated. Torn asunder. Violated. Eviscerated. Had their heads lopped off and mounted on-"

"Okay, okay, I get it, kid." Mima grins, shaking her head. "...I expected the place to kinda go to shit worse than this if the village was gone, though."

I shrug again. "Look, yo, I'm just a messenger. Why doncha go see for yourself?" I wave in the vague direction of the Scarlet Devil Manor.

She nods. "Alright, then. See you around, if you don't kill yourself or something."

With that, Mima floats away in the wrong direction. Hee-hee-hee-hyoo~nk!

...Once she was gone for awhile, I decided to head towards Eientei. Now that I think about it, I should be using that yin-yang flail-o-copter…

Only in retrospect did I realize I probably shoulda kept a closer eye on the sealed ghost lady. Not like she was my problem!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"That new character's so~ overpowered!" Kaguya whines, smashing her fist against the gamecube controller.

"Maybe you just suck." Mokou retorts.

"Fuck you."

…

"Dude… Dude… Dude! Dude! Dude, no! Fu~ck!" Kaguya slams the gamecube controller against the floor.

Thunk!

"Goddammit! Bayonetta is such a counterpick!"

Mokou chuckled at Kaguya's somewhat juvenile anguish. "Or maybe you just suck."

"I'm gonna eat you..." Kaguya put up her dukes.

"Try me, you aristocratic piece of-"

I bust in through the window in the dead of night again, although it's still broken from the previous times I've done so. "Hello friends!"

Kaguya looks towards me. "Wha-"

Whack!

"A-aguh…" Kaguya receives a mean right hook from Mokou and reels to the left, reaching for her cheek.

"Hah! Let your guard down, huh, miss- Gugh…!"

Kaguya suddenly flung herself at her and began strangling her.

Pow!

Bop!

Wham!

Alright yo, I already forgot why I was here. Did I wanna play video games with some rough and tough magical girl dudebros? Maybe… but it didn't look very plausible now.

Thud! Thud! Thud!

Kaguya's face was getting planted into the wooden floor time and time again by Mokou, who had her hand on the back of Kaguya's head, fingers deep in her now messy black locks.

Suddenly, an earthy pillar shot from the floor, sending Mokou rolling away, which forced her to release her grip on Kaguya. Kaguya harmed herself with the spell a bit, but she was expecting it, having casted it. I didn't know Kaguya knew earth elemental anything, though. Wasn't she a time mage, or something? She did have those treasures… did she just not practice other kinds of magic that often?

The stone wedge that shot from the floor vanished in a soft green flash, leaving a hole in the floor where the earth pierced it.

Mokou was standing again, cautiously strafing as Kaguya got up and did the same.

"Had to use magic to get out of that hold? You're slipping, kid." Mokou taunted, bracing herself for retaliation.

Kaguya scoffed. "You are but a child, Fujiwara! Behold, I shall demonstrate to you that I am of superior strategical prowess!"

I like how Kaguya's vocabulary goes from dudebro to princess only when she feels like pulling rank on people.

...I also move towards the window again, just in the event that shit gets real and I have to bail to avoid getting my ass kicked by the crossfire. It happens, yo!

"And how're you gonna do that? Getting your face mashed against the floor again?" Mokou cracked her knuckles for effect.

Kaguya puts her hand to her mouth and gives a hearty "Hoh hoh hoh!".

She snaps her fingers, then moves near the wall of the room, Mokou approaching her strategically as she did so. She came to a small blue terminal against the wall.

She pressed her hand against a grid-like design on it, and it lit up.

"Reisen, could you bring me… Project FPS?"

Oh, boy. With any luck, they'd fight their way out of the room and let me play some of Kaguya's crap in peace!

Kaguya grinned as she turned to Mokou, who was nearing her. "In a few moments-"

Mokou tried to lunge forward and punch, only for Kaguya to make her way around it and do the same, only this time actually connecting with Mokou's face.

"Ah…" Mokou, however, ignores the strike and uses the arm that missed to grapple Kaguya. The struggle quickly became an uncoordinated hash-and-frash, as it were.

Thwack!

Pow!

Wapow!

...Yeah, I was getting creative with my alliteration. Could I be blamed? They might as well have been rolling around on the floor in a cartoon dust cloud.

The door to the room slid open, and Reisen walked in holding like, five sci-fi rifle things.

She looks down at the scuffle on the floor. "...I'll just uh… leave these here, then."

She tosses the pile of rifles into the mix, and most of them end up getting flung away and ignored.

"...I'm going back to bed." Reisen tiredly walked in reverse, before shutting the door.

Curious rifles! I walk near the dust cloud of violence and grab one. Maybe I could shoot them with it, yo! Yo ho ho… ho…?

On closer inspection, I haven't got a sodding clue how the thing works. Reminds me of an Apple product… It's hip! It's new! It's the Igun! Confirm your password every time you pop a new clip in! Send an activation code to Apple every time you purchase a case of bullets, or they'll literally fly out of the gun, do two ninety degree turns, and fucking kill you like the dirty, dirty pirate you are.

…

I'll say it right now: I don't like Apple products!

I look up as Kaguya finally kicks Mokou in the chest from her position on the floor, which both sends Mokou reeling and propels Kaguya away from her, sliding her near two of the sci-fi rifles.

Kaguya grabs them with each arm, and then jumps to both feet. "Now we're talking! Bow before my shooter skills, child! Once I am through killing you, I may just allow you to live under me as my apprentice in the gaming arts!"

Mokou reaches down as she backs away, fumbling for a weapon, and happens to grab a rifle. "Oh, please! This isn't some shitty fanfic of yours, Kaguya!"

…I sense a disturbance in the force.

...I also just realized I was standing pretty much between the two enraged madwomen, so instead of sticking around, I just navigated to the corner of the room.

ChiChiChiChiChioo~! Mokou strafed to the right as Kaguya fired a stream of plasma bolts.

"Fuoo~h, hohohoh! C'mon, Fujiwara-chan! Why don't you simply give up? I have more guns than you!" Kaguya laughed haughtily as she unloaded the guns.

Speaking of, I look for a trigger on mine.

…

There's a handle with no features on it. These guns don't _have_ triggers, nor clips of any sort. Come to think of it, Kaguya's not even reloading, either.

…

How was I supposed to shoot this stupid thing!?

Mokou aims her gun at Kaguya.

ChiChiChiChiChioo~!

Kaguya ducks to avoid the stream of plasma bolts, which melt into the wall where she was.

Apparently Mokou had no freakin' problem at all using them. Might just be experience…

ChiChiChiChiChioo~!

Why do the guns make this sound? Freakin', yo!

I crouched and shielded myself with the gun, making myself scarce as the two had a stalemate. Mokou was too agile, holding only one gun, but still got hit too much to play things offensively, and her reduced firepower wasn't enough to punish Kaguya for being slow.

Plus, they pretty much regenerated like Call Of Duty soldiers… and they even respawned!

Eirin opens the door. "Princess, I-"

ChiChiChiChiChiChioo~!

She's struck by a couple plasma bolts, before diving back into the hallway outside.

"Ah, shit- uh, oops... " Kaguya's facial expression goes through a mix of emotions in a very short amount of time. She pauses to assess Eirin's situation, when…

ChiChioo~!

Kaguya's popped in the side of the head by Mokou, a blood splatter flecking across the room. She ragdolls to the side, dropping her two rifles.

"I'm gunnin' for ya, bitch!" Mokou taunts the corpse.

Eirin walks into the room, already mostly regenerated. She lets out a deep sigh. "...Well, I _was_ going to inform the princess that the evening meal committee she had instated was once again ready for service after the last incident, but I think I'll have to make a rain day for that, now. Pity, too… I was wondering how an immortal body might react to five gallons of caffeine and electrolyte-infused water."

Mokou points her gun at her. "...Look. I don't want any trouble. Let me leave, and you can see to your bitch."

Eirin shakes her head. "...I suppose I'll just have to settle for _you_."

ChiChiChi-Fwash!

An arrow struck the gun, and it exploded in a ball of lightning.

"Shit!"

Mokou flew back out the window I used previously. Eirin literally flew out after her.

…

I crawled out from the corner of the room, and dropped my useless, albeit fancy, paperweight. Stretching a bit, I move towards the couch and position it upright and in front of the… smashed plasma screen television. The ironic part is the fact that plasma bolts destroyed it.

I get up from the couch and beeline towards the computer, which didn't get damaged! I wish I snooped on Patchy's laptop earlier. It woulda been the bee's knees if I could find her social media accounts and get that one creepy friend of mine to stalk her profile!

...No, that friend is not Matt. He doesn't care for trivial stalkings, as far as I'm aware. I was talking of a different prat, who likes being a creepy bugger for all different reasons.

In any case, let's see what steam games Kaguya has!

Counter Strike. Betcha didn't see that one coming!

Team Fortress 2. Mmm…

Half-Life 1 and 2…

…

Pretty much all FPS games. I play enough of those at home, honestly. I dunno whether it'd be an amazingly fantastic, or amazingly retarded thing to spend hours at a time playing video games in a trashed room on the computer alone in Gensokyo.

I did the same thing outside of Gensokyo, basically, except for the 'alone in Gensokyo' part!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After a few moments of poking Kaguya's corpse with Quake Bloomer, I decided to play some Team Fortress 2.

...Kaguya apparently had the most hours on Heavy and Soldier, distributed almost evenly down to the seconds. Yo…

Her least played class was medic. I suppose that's what Eirin's for, right?

After about an hour, I went from laughing about my deaths to half laughing, half gritting my teeth.

"...Alright, yo, I think I'm done for today…"

I get off Team Fortress 2, only to find that a shit ton of Kaguya's online friends are messaging her, some of them berating her for a plethora of reasons.

...I go to the 'add a non-Steam game to steam' option, search for , and make that a game that I can launch from Steam. Then, I rename the shortcut to 'fuck you guys' and 'enter' the game.

"LunarianOracle is now in non-Steam game: fuck you guys"

Kaguya's account gets spammed with livid messages. Success!

...Yeah, I was freakin' bored, but it _was_ night. There was no way I was gonna go have a 'friendly' chat with Yuuka and Mima at fookin' midnight.

All of a sudden, I hear footsteps behind me, and a hand rests on my shoulder, causing me to jump.

"Eahoo!" I whirl the chair around, to see…

"...What are you doing at my computer…?" Kaguya looks somewhat annoyed, and was also alive again.

"...Dust friends." I scooped some dust from behind her monitor and held it in front of her.

She scrunches her face. "What? Why?"

I get up from her computer chair and walk to a corner of the room, and put the pile of dust there. "Cuddly."

"...Nevermind." Kaguya sits down at her chair, and in a couple moments notices that amount of pissed messages. "What the hell did you do?"

I shrugged exaggeratedly. "I dunno! Maybe they just don't like the Team Fortress!"

She nodded. "Oh, you played that. That's normal, actually."

...Apparently they don't like the Team Fortress.

"...Dude, why did you open the calculator?" I heard a click, which I assumed was her closing it.

I rose a brow. "I opened the calculator? Pretty sure I didn't." Hyonk.

She shrugged. "Mmm. Doesn't matter anyway."

Eventually she'll find that random game titled 'fuck you guys' and only then find out why the calculator was open, but until then I didn't feel like tempting an unfavorable reaction.

…

"Why are you here, again?" Kaguya asks me idly.

"I forgot!" In truth, I felt a little awkward after that conflict! That, and I already got my gaming fix with a lil bit of Team Fortress, so I was kinda not in the mood to keep doing so.

"..." Kaguya turned in her chair to look at me.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Stay out." Kaguya tiredly deadpanned as I was shoved into the Eientei hallway.

After a few moments of me thinking over where I should go from here, some bunny girls notice me. "Are you a patient?" one asks as they advance.

I shake my head.

The other bunny girl gasps. "What is your business here? You're not supposed to be in the halls at this time of night."

Since when was there a curfew for the freakin' halls here? "I was visiting, yo."

They look to each other skeptically. The one on the left, with the auburn hair, proceeds to interrogate me. "Who?"

"The princess, yo! I just came outta this door!" I point to Kaguya's door.

"...What business did you have with her?" she presses, still skeptical

Freakin'... aren't public servants not supposed to press for that kinda shit? That's it, I'm gonna try to pull rank on them. "What's it to you? Must I knock on her door and request for security to remove the both of you?"

Before the leftmost one can say anything, her partner butts in. "Uhm… sir, we _are_ security."

"That's even worse!" I exclaim. "Must I file a complaint? Must I trouble the princess simply to solve this conflict?"

...The leftmost one finally gets a chance to talk. "...But, the princess was the one who asked us to check for, and I quote, 'a filthy hobo in monk rags loitering the halls of the clinic past curfew'."

…

Shieut. Well played, Kaguya. Well played…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Oof!" I was now in the front lobby.

"Please, don't make our jobs any harder." the auburn bunny regards me, as they both leave back into the depths of the clinic's- I think it's a clinic, anyway- halls.

Reisen's not at the desk at the moment; in fact, no one was, oddly. There was one of those paper tents set up with a sign on it, saying the following…

" _Customer Service is currently absent. Ring the bell for immediate impromptu representation, in the event of an emergency. Otherwise, please be patient, and we will get back to you._

 _Thanks,_

 _Eientei Staff._ "

...Naturally, I decide to invade Reisen's workspace instead and look around for sweet random drops!

Digging around in the drawers, I find some pens! I take a blue one and stuff it into my sack.

Looking under the desk, I find a freakin' huge sniper rifle. I decide to leave it where it is, because if I ever managed to fire that thing, I'd probably get gibbed by the recoil.

...There wasn't a lot here except for boring office supplies and a couple boxes of almost cartoonishly large sniper rounds. I could probably use them as substitutes for rocks if I took them, but I'd rather not have to answer the unfortunate question of 'why are you carrying cartoonishly large bullets in your bag'.

…

Actually, yes, I'd like to answer that question. Sorry Reisen, I'm sure you've literally got a room dedicated to storing more, or something!

I hear some doors open, which causes me to shoot up from my rummaging to look at who was emerging from the doorway.

"the doctor is away friends! now we rejoice!"

Oh, good. It was just fluffles.

Wait…

A small herd of fluffles emerged from the door, all working together to carry what looked like a large bed. Strapped onto it was a fluffle, its stomach apparently cut open and some inner fluffy stuff puffing out from the cut, revealing it to be basically a stuffed animal. Despite that, the thing was still blinking and smiling.

The fluffles stopped to stare at me, trying to gauge whether I was a friend or an enemy.

…

I smiled and waved. "Hi, friends."

The fluffles proceeded to ignore me, cooing and making fluffy noises to one another as they navigated the bed through the lobby.

Like that, they exited out the front door. Curious, I followed them, keeping a cautious distance in case I needed to deal with some unruly fluff'n'stuffs.

Just outside the front door, I witnessed two large metallic pole-like contraptions drift down from above- I couldn't make them out, however. The only thing I could make out was the amber glow of the jets at the bottom- which reminded me a bit of the fluffle stands. Freakin'...

I ran back inside and dashed to the counter. Reisen had to have a flashlight in here somewhere…

I heard the jet noises cease outside, although from in here I could see the fluffles leaping around like hooligans outside.

After much thumbing through the desks, I found a very dim flashlight; it was in the 'essentials' drawer which I had initially ruled out because it just contained painkillers and like, tons of that insane sniper ammo.

I rushed back to the front desk, and flipped the light switch, turning the lights to the lobby off. I wanted to see these fluffy friks in full HD, yo!

Looking outside, the fluffles were apparently mounting the medical bed to the pole-like crafts.

Speaking of…

The crafts weren't crafts, actually. They were more like… devices, I guess. Suits? Both a craft and a suit but really neither, I guess.

They were large piston-like contraptions, made of dull grey metals, complete with a bit of rust here or there, I think. Dim ass cheapo flashlight's probably not doing anything any justice here.

The pillars of metal pistols were comprised of four 'appendages', and at the top of all four they met at a fluffle who capped them off. The fluffle's fins and legs were sealed in the tops of these metal pillars, allowing it to walk like a giraffe, except without the neck. Or the knees- I guess they were more like as if you were forced to put stilts on your hands and feet.

By the way what the hell were these things? Was it 'make the most impractical vehicle ever' day at the fluffle design emporium or what?

The final outlandish detail was their height. They easily exceeded twelve feet tall or so, which seemed pretty impractical.

Four of the stilt suit buggers were standing around the bed, and the fluffles were working to secure it to the stilts of the four of them. I assumed they were gonna evacuate or something. It was kinda weird how they were doing it for a single fluffle, though.

...Suddenly, danmaku in the shape of white and blue light arrows rains down on the crowd of fluffles.

"Waaa~l!"

Eirin flew in from above and crushed one of the fluffles that were on top of one of the quad-stilt contraptions by landing on it, causing it to explode into dust. Once it did so, the machines it was once utilizing became useless.

"Waaaa~l!" The other fluffles were outraged!

The fluffles on the ground moved to relocate the autopsy bed, slowly moving their friend away from the oncoming battle.

Fwooosh! The stilted fluffles began hovering in the air, their machines apparently having thrusters on the bottom of them, even if it's not obvious since there's no cartoony dish at the bottom like on the fluffle stands.

Eirin stoically watched them hover, and she readied her arrows. They flew up to meet the metal of the machines, having little effect.

The machines suddenly jerked way high up into the air, faster than something the size of those things should be able to do.

My jaw dropped when they came back down- and they did so one by one.

THWAA~SH!

BOOM!

The earth shook as the machine plowed into the floor. A thin, white, circular outline shot across the ground as the loud roar of the machine doing what I could only describe as 'breaking the sound barrier' echoed across the bamboo forest.

The glass in front of me broke, and I completely lost my hold with the floor. Sliding to the floor, I dropped the flashlight.

THWAA~SH!

BOOM!

I bet the light woulda exploded if it was still on…

Outside, I see some frantically shot arrows fill the night sky.

THWAA~SH!

BOOM!

Holy shit…

My body slides along the floor as the rapid vibrations rock the clinic. My vision blurs from all the rocking around, but, once it all stops, my vision readjusts. The flashlight was broken, unfortunately. I assumed the lights were, too, so I was forced to take out something I could use to light my way.

Flame Salvo, I choose you!

"Waaa~l!" I hear the wails of the fluffles upon the large piston devices.

Arrows fly into the night, lightly illuminating the machines as they strike them.

Swish… swish, swish swish swish swishswishswishswish!

One of the devices shifted into a whirling-helicopter-blade-of-doom type formation, the piston devices essential spinning as fast as one. The fluffle had moved its limbs in a starfish shape, which in turn moved the entirety of the piston devices. How did the fluffles have the body strength to do that?

I was able to make out the spinning gyrocopter of a fluffle due to the flame swirl created by its thrusters. The device spun closer to the front door of the clinic, forcing me to retreat back towards the counter…

Bam! The front door to Eientei was completely torn open as the whirling death blade persisted.

Bam! It exited the front door!... and by that, I mean the front door ceased being a thing entirely.

The other fluffle stilt machine things stood in place, the sizable pistons of their device actually working for once.

Bam...bam...bam bam bam-BamBamBamBamBam~!

The pistons started vibrating the ground, the loud bangs of metal against metal increasing in frequency and volume.

A series of arrows struck one of the fluffles atop the piston doohickies, killing it.

One of the four piston things it was attached to fell over once the fluffle exploded into a dusty mess.

The gyro was still spinning around, now giving the surrounding bamboo forestry a good lawnmowing. Some of the trees began catching on fire due to the flames of the thrusters.

Eirin landed on the bit of flooring where the front entryway _used_ to be, then she aimed her bow at the other standing fluffy rapscallion.

It jerked into the air at unreal speed once she fired. Oh, shi-

THWAAA~SH!

BOOM!

I slid onto my ass again, as did Eirin due to being caught off guard, presumably. Rubble fell from the torn open wall segments. Rattling was heard near me- Reisen's heavy sniper rifle was being vibrated along the floor.

"Uu~gh…" I heard Eirin groan from the floor as she fired her arrows at the fluffle.

Tink, tink! Two of the arrows stuck the metal, but the third she fired impaled the fluffle piloting the piston devices, reducing it to a shower of fluff.

… There was still that giant gyro going apeshit on the surrounding bamboo, though.

I decided against using the Flame Salvo to deal with it, and instead pulled out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber. I ran up alongside Eirin, watching it as it was partially obscured by trees it passed at points.

She glanced at me. "...Where exactly did you come from?"

I glanced back, before locking my eyes back on the deadly gyro. "Home."

"...I see." Eirin sighed. "I trust you can handle things from here? That blasted immortal escaped my pursuit, and now I'm not only out of test subjects, but it seems those dusty rats have also made off with one of my other test subjects. Today has been exceptionally poor."

I nod. "I uh… I think so!"

She nodded. "Right. Well, if you lose a limb or anything, you can rest assured that the hospital is literally a brisk walk away. Just try not to get cut in half, or something, because then I'd have to not only destroy that troublesome machine myself, but I'd also have to find a cleanup crew… and believe me when I say all our cleanup crews are rather busy at the moment."

I give a thumbs up. "Thanks for the aid, doc!"

She proceeds back into the clinic, disappearing somewhere.

I observe the spinning gyro as it whirls around. The only thing I can really make of it in the shade of the forest is the flame spiral it produces. I was scared to near the thing honestly, but if I threw good 'ol Bee-Sheventeen at it, I think it'd do something.

...Summoning my mana, I shot a crusty pillow from the stars at it.

Vrrr!

The crusty pillow was shredded into bits and pieces. I dunno 'bout you, but I think that's worse than it was before. I grin at the results, when I notice the blade now heading straight towards me.

"Fuck!" I make an intelligent observation.

I toss the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber at it, and it falls a little short of the epicenter of it-

Boom!

-but still strikes the blades. They whirl to the floor and become embedded in it, crashing into each other as they dug into the earth. The fluffle died from the blast, apparently.

Boom!

Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber struck somewhere on the roof of Eientei.

Blam!

...and then fell to the lawn again.

I walk outside to grab it, and I take a moment to stare at the sky. What the fuck were those fluffles? Christ. I wouldn't want to meet a group of those things in a dark alley!... because the alley probably wouldn't even exist after they were done with it!

"What the hell's going on out there!?" I heard Kaguya shout from the roof.

"Fluffles!" I shout back up at her.

I don't hear a reply, so I assume she got my message.

It may be the dead of night, but uhhh… I was kinda thinkin' of finding somewhere cuddly at the village! This clinic's all sterile, and everyone's mean!... and the front door is blown wide open. I gotta exert my energy somehow, too.

I pull out the Yin-yang flail-o-copter, and begin my evening traveling!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I shiver in the air as the cold winter air caresses my skin, even with the monk robes on. I suppose winter was setting in, at last. I dunno whether I wanna see snow or not!

In the distance of the cold, dry night I see cyan and blue lights shine brightly- a cluster of them, in the air. Danmaku? They weren't moving like danmaku…

A blast of cold air from the direction both soothes my exerted arms, and makes me flinch from the suddenness.

Suddenly, the lights shoot off into the night, accelerating unbelievably fast. UFOs? Maybe… I wouldn't be surprised.

I pass over a fluffle stand below, and make my way towards the village.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"...I don't think you are who you says you are, bub…" the village guard replies lowly.

I flail my arms over my monk garb. "Does everyone have a problem getting in if they're not wearing a guard outfit!? I'm clearly from the sodding temple, you twatsicle!"

He reaches for his sword. "Them's fightin' words, kid. What you gonna do about it? Fast me to death? Bahahaha!"

I pull out Quake Bloomer. "No, son, I'm gonna beat the everloving shit out of you."

He draws a shortsword. "Who're you callin' son, son? Bet this'll send a real message to them temple-likes…" He takes a few stabs at the air.

I slam Quake Bloomer against the floor, casting Gaia Seed…

Fwooo~...

The green magic circle appears around the guardsman, and he's staggered somewhat.

After a small bout of stumbling, he readjusts himself. "...The hell'd you just do to me, you weird ass monk!?"

I grinned. "I casted doom on you, friend. In three days, you'll just drop dead and die. I know so, too; Byakuren taught me it, yo."

He tilts his head, eyes widening. "What!? For real?... No way. You're bluffing, you've gotta be."

He's right! I shrug. "Alright then, yo. I'll just come back in three days when you're not around any more, then. See ya." With that, I begin walking off.

"...Hold it!" He calls out for me. "Look, I'll let you into the stupid village! Just take this stupid curse off me, or I'll tell my boss we're at war with the temple. We got a deal, monk boy?"

I sigh. "I guess I got no choice, then. I'm just gonna have to remove it…"

I cast Gaia Seed again.

Fwooo~...

The guardsman stumbles again, his eyes struggling more now. Does Gaia Seed's tiring effects stack? Hmm…

"W-why am I so tired all of a sudden…?" The guardsman yawns. "...You're tryina pull a fast one on me, aren't you, you monk fuck?"

I shake my head. "No, that's just how the doom removal-"

"Die!" The guard slowly charges at me, bringing his sword down at an angle.

Clang! I block easily with Quake Bloomer.

"Too bad!" I run at him and kick him… which does surprisingly little. I may have forgotten just how useful armor is.

"Dirty monk! No good spell caster!" He brings his arm up slowly, making me anticipate a downward slash. I bring up Quake Bloomer to guard it, but he pulls the sword back and goes for a jab instead.

"H-hey!" I feel myself blanch as the sword gets caught in the details of Quake Bloomer, the jab having gone through one of the holes in the plant hanger's design. I instinctively tried to pull it away, but he fights my grip and manages to successfully disarm me by pulling away Quake Bloomer.

"Hah! Not so hot without your spell rod, are you, monk!?" He grins, and starts sliding Quake Bloomer off the sword, proceeding to toss it off to the side.

"O-oh no! I'm going to die!" I yell to build the guard's confidence, while reaching for my sack to pull out another plant hanger…

Flame Salvo, I guess I choose you! I dunno, I didn't really look at what I was picking, I just yanked the first thing I got my hands on.

He charges me with another broad slash...

Clang!

Flames lick his sword, causing him to pull away after striking Flame Salvo.

"What the hell!?" roars the guardsman.

I grin at him. "Son, you've started a war you'll be unable to win! I don't care how many hangers it takes, one of these will break your fookin' kneecaps!"

He steps back a bit. "...I need to get the men in on this! What monk uses fire!?"

He makes for the gate, and begins opening it.

"Burn in hell!"

I cast Flamethrower, unleashing a basic stream of flames upon him as he hastily reels the gate open.

"What- oh, fuck! Shit! Fire, fi~re!" he begins yelling. I take this as an opportunity to make myself scarce! I run into the woods, and observe what follows from afar.

"Fire!"

Eventually, guardsmen rushed to aid him, pouring water on him after he got the gate open. He was forced to tear off his armor, because the flames kinda got underneath and uh… pain.

...This definitely won't come back to bite me in the ass!

I took this moment to… hmm. How would I get into the village, now? Try a different entrance? I dunno if flying was the best idea…

"I think the asshole went that way…"

Oh, here they come. I ready the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber. Explosives were so useful!

I see the group of five guards progress towards the bushes, and I toss the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber into the crowd.

Blam!

The guy who had the original dispute with me flew forward due to the blast occurring right at his feet.

"Aaa~h!"

"What the hell!?"

A few were simply staggered, and a couple others were knocked over by the blast.

Time to get good use of this box of cartoonishly large sniper rounds! I pull one out, and chuck it at one of the archers.

Ding! It hit his armor. Today is not good day!

I toss another.

Ding!... Shieut!

C'mon… I toss another one…

"Ouch!" Score! Get sniped, son! Three-sixty no scopes! Hell, I didn't even use a rifle! Fock you!

His friend starts taking aim at me, so I just chuck a round at him.

Ding!

He fires his arrow, and it's thrown totally off target and hits some tree instead.

"Where the hell was that one going!?" I shout at him. "It sure wasn't me!"

...The other twats are starting to get back up, so I get out Swift Brand.

"That… fucking… monk…" groaned that first guard I beat up.

I channel my mana into Swift Brand…

Fwoosh!

He flies backwards into his archer pals, and one of them goes down with him.

The other two guys approach me cautiously with swords, so I shelf Swift Brand and take out Flame Salvo.

"I am an otherworldly foe!" I exclaim.

The guards don't reply, and one rushes me.

Clang!

He's startled by the sudden flame on his blade. His friend begins going around me, and I turn around to cast Flamethrower.

Fwooosh!

"Oh, fuck, a fire started! Fire!" He runs back toward the village once his assorted accessories, as they were, began burning.

"You uh… okay there, Billy?" The standing archer questioned his fallen comrade, the other archer who got knocked over as a result of my previous wind blast.

"Y-yeah… I'll be alright."

The burly palooka was finally up and about, ready to engage me again. I saw Quake Bloomer quite a ways away, back across the entire dirt path. Perhaps there was a way I could get there…

"Keep your distance! The stupid monk's got a limited range on that flame attack!" he shouts forcefully, commanding his comrades.

...I could use that to my advantage.

"Burn, baby!" I shoot a flame stream adjacent to the direction I wanna go, and travel along it as the guards make their way away from it. Like that, I pass them and begin making my way towards Quake Bloomer.

"Get the fuck back here, magi!" barked the commanding guard, and they begin pursuing me.

I turn back and toss Flame Salvo at that other generic guard following me, and a burst of flames causes him to stop and freeze in place. Sadly, he wasn't ignited. Freakin'...

Regardless, I got to Quake Bloomer! Lifting it, I began doing the thing with the strength enchantment…

"That one again? Hah! Guys, stand back. I've got this one in the bag…" The commanding guard orders his comrades, as he readies his sword. "Alright, monkey boy. This is the end of the line."

I now have power! "I am a psychic warlord, son. I'm gonna passively resist you so hard, your freakin' mind will explode."

He laughed. "Hahah! Gettin' friendly's not gonna save you! You're just a no good, dirty youkai!"

For the love of fluff'n'stuffs, dude… I'm not a bloody youkai! Magic does not equal youkai! Nor does funny costumes!

The guard runs at me, readying a broad downward slash. He seems to be faster, too; I guess the effects of Gaia Seed wore off.

I prepare to both block an above strike as well as evade a jab if he should try one, because this situation seems suspiciously familiar.

I block up, and I guessed his tactic correctly. When he jabs at me, I purposefully move my plant hanger to catch his blade.

...But this time…

I pull the plant hanger with all my might, and rip the sword from his hands!

"What the-!?"

The sword flies away behind me, sliding out of the plant hanger's grasp.

"Son, this is why you don't mess with a monk." I point Quake Bloomer at him. "The jig is up, yo."

"...I'm gonna kill you!" he roars, charging at me. He grabs Quake Bloomer, but my buffs allow me to just move it around as I please, and I make the dude fall over.

"Sorry, son. I'm afraid I'll have to beat the everloving shit out of you now." I had to make good on what I said earlier!

I heard gasps. I look up to the other guardsmen, and the stupid freakin' archer's aiming at me. He notices that I notice, too.

"D-don't move an inch!" he stammers.

I blink. "...O-okay. Just don't shoot…"

C'mon, Gaia Seed…

He begins grinning. "...Y-you're scared? I actually… Yeah, don't you dare move!"

Fwooo~...

The magic circle's slight pressure it applies, in addition to the drowsiness, throws the guy's aim off. He feels it, and fires.

Thunk! The arrow struck another tree.

I ran towards him. "Huaaagh!"

The other generic swordsman moves to interfere, but I purposefully swing Quake Bloomer at his sword and disarm him. "Nope!"

The archer begins hopping back, trying to ready an arrow, but by the time I reach him, it's too late.

Whack!

"Oough!"

The man flies to the path's dirt, bowled over by a strike from my Quake Bloomer. I spot Flame Salvo on the ground near the generic guard man person.

Speaking of which, he somehow recovered his sword already, and was a lot more cautious this time. Slowly and steadily, we traded feints and I was able to make him get out of my way by circling him and slowly advancing.

Lifting Flame Salvo, I chuck it at him again.

Fwoompf! It unleashes a blast of flame, this time successfully igniting him.

"D-damn it! Towel boy! Towel boy!" He begins patting himself frantically, and he looks over to the fallen archer I knocked down awhile ago, and his eyes widen. With a troubled grunt, he begins sprinting to the village.

...Everyone who was now down has not decided to get up.

"...Jesus Christ, I didn't know getting into the village was going to be a freakin' gauntlet of deadly terror." I rant to myself as I walk towards the gates. "Next time, just let me in, guys. I'm pretty sure it'd be easier to fight me if you all were able to readily call guards from in there- or get civilians to beat the shit out of me."

Or Keine. Pretty sure Keine could just solo me and use me like a soggy loofa.

I hear a groan of protest from the first guard as I finally make my way into the village.

...I pass the one guard who ran inside to put the flames out who was just now coming back out. As he does so, I quickly bring Quake Bloomer across his face.

Thunk!

"Ouh…"

Thud.

"...Sorry about the uh, pain, by the way…" I tell everyone. That reminds me, I should probably collect all the shit I dropped in combat, like the Bawmber…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 22

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes due to an upgrade. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. After an enchanted sunflower was tacked on, it gained the ability to allow casting of Gaia Seed.

INVENTORY:

Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Upgraded to have a nozzle with which the weapon can be utilized as a flame thrower with. Improved once more to have a fuel tank, allowing it to cast Fume and have increased flame thrower capabilities.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Due to a dark amulet upgrade, it may be used to cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. Has a very situational instant-death dealing condition that, let's be honest, I probably couldn't fulfil; it's just there for world building. Help no.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives that I mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations… Different from the dark-elemental hanger in that this converts missing health into pure speed and none into power, and the increased damage isn't as punishing.

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out...

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

very much a chapter where nothing of particular note happened, but it was fun anyway to me; you get those from time to time.

stuff and things happened!

...i dont have a lot to say; although, i wonder if everyone got a proper portrayal of those fluffle piston guys

as always, see you all next time!


	26. Hanger Hop Waltz

(in which we become hanger-hopping hooligans)

"...And that's how I beat the shit out of the village guards." I finished, grinning at Sekibanki.

She shakes her head. "Honestly… I thought you were kinda harmless at first, but that was a bit…"

Yo. "Look, they were being unreasonable, and one thing lead to another-"

"Alright, I get it. Just… don't do that too often, alright? That friend of yours is already causing headaches among the villagers." Sekibanki sighed, putting a hand up as a signal for me to stop talking.

Hmm. I wonder what he's up to...

...It was day now, by the way! I gots meself a good night's rest!

I stand and stretch. "Fluffy days…"

"Heading out?" Sekibanki questions me.

I nod. "Probably. Say…" I wonder…

She looks to me. "Yeah?"

"Would there happen to be any libraries in the human village?" I question.

Sekibanki raises a brow. "...Yeah. Why?"

"I dunno, I like books." I half-heartedly explain.

She snorts. "No, you don't."

I raise a finger. "Hey, yo, I'm actually not lying about that, but that's not entirely the reason I wanna go to the library either."

"What is it, then?"

I inadvertently gave her more info than I shoulda. Do'h! "...I was gonna try and find some quality literature! Don't patronize me…!"

She snorts again. "Alright. You're an outsider, right?"

I nod enthusiastically.

"You might not be able to read some of our dialect, then. Can you read Japanese?"

Hahah… no. I don't even know how I talk with everyone properly! I'm willing to bet there's some boundary shenanigans going on in Gensokyo's atmosphere, or something. I mean think about it, wouldn't underground oni and aboveground humans have _some_ dissonance in language development after all these years?... Exactly.

I shake my head.

"...I might know someone who could help you with that."

Ooh, is it a translator? I wanna have them translate all the anime and manga I want to view! That'd be the bomb.

I grin. "...Sounds like they're up my alley, yo."

Sekibanki glares at me. "Don't bring her any unnecessary trouble, you know? She's a nice girl, and it'd be troublesome if you ruined her day by being an idiot."

Of course it'd be a she, yo. The male gender does not exist outside of the human village, apparently.

I put my arms up. "Seki, baby, c'mon now. You know I don't try to be a bad guy." Keyword: _try_.

"...Alright. But if she tells me you made her day go south… I'm coming for you." Sekibanki threatens me.

I doubt I could fuck her day up _that_ much.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I stand outside the rather boring house, but the address is as Sekibanki said… and that being said, the address organization here sucks. The mailmen here better make bank.

...that, or there's just one big post office in the square or something. I don't know!

I knock on the front door.

...After a few moments, the girl opens it.

Standing before me is a brown-haired villager girl. She's got a yellow apron on, and a brown and white checkered dress on under it. She's also holding a curious-looking tome with both her hands.

...After a few awkward moments of staring, she greets me. "...H-hello?"

"Hi." I wave my hand.

"...Hi." she replies, waving back slowly.

…

"...So, um..." She twiddles her fingers.

"I came to ask for book referrals and things!" I abruptly explain amidst the silence.

She flinches at the sudden volume. "...Sure?"

…

I approach her. "Look, yo. I'm not from uh… 'round these parts, as it were. I dunno how to read Japanese, so I was wondering if you could help me."

She blinked, and backed away from me. "W-who told you about my power? How did you find out?"

I jerk my head back. "Power? I dunno 'bout no power. I just figured you were a translator or something."

She takes a moment to process this. "...O-oh."

…

"How about we get the ball rollin', yo. We're burnin' daylight hours!... they're different from normal hours!" I request.

She narrows her eyes. "...I don't trust you."

I sigh. "...Look, yo, wadda I gotta do, then?" Besides, I was in need of something to sate my boredom anyway.

"...You're that robed monk the guards went around warning everyone about, aren't you?" the girl questions. "...Give me a good reason why I shouldn't report you to the guards right now."

Of all the dirty darn rotten luck… "...Look, I just wanted to get into the village, and the burly men with swords tried to take a stab at me, so I stabbed back, and enngh!"

…

"...I don't think I can believe you. Sorry." With that, she closes the door.

I'm not takin' 'no' for an answer! They don't call me robe, hanger, sneakers man for nothing! I began throwing myself at her door, flailing my limbs against it. "Friend! Help, no! Waauugh!"

She opens the door slightly and I accidentally fall in because of all the pressure I was exerting on it.

"Oof!"

…

She stares down at me from the floor. "...I'd like you to leave."

I stick up a finger from the floor. "Sekibanki referred me to you!"

She pauses. "S-Seki-chan…?"

I climb up from the floor and dust myself off. "Yeah. I told her I wanted to read some freakin' books, and she sent me to you. I didn't expect it to be pulling teeth… again. Come to think of it, I've done a whole lot of teeth pulling since I've come to Gensokyo…" It was mostly the fun kind, though!

"...If Seki-chan thought it was alright, I guess it's alright with me, too." she decides.

...I dunno her name! I was way too used to meeting the Touhous I knew the names of! "...They call me Brad." Last names are for losers!

She looks unimpressed, sadly. "Kosuzu. C'mon, follow me."

I follow her deeper into her abode, where I find stacks upon stacks of books just lying around. I see shelves filled to the brims lining each wall, as well.

"...You've been busy, huh?" I comment.

She nods. "I like reading." I do, too!

I raise a hand. "Say, yo, do you have the Berenstain Bears?"

She raises a brow. "...No."

Damn.

"...This is where I spend the bulk of my time. Cozy, isn't it?" She twirls around, showing off her abode.

I nod. "Cozy. Very cozy. Snug space." I want to cuddle, now. I gingerly look around the room, now feeling snug. Very snug, even.

"...You're a creepy man." Kosuzu idly comments.

I nod. "Yeah, I get that a lot."

She sighs. "Why are you in my house again?"

I laugh. "Alright, alright… Magic books! Spell books! Something easy for idiots who dabble in magic to learn!"

She narrows her eyes. "You aren't gonna use it to hurt anyone else, right?"

Ehhh… I hold up my hand and wave it around a bit. "Kinda, uh? I dunno?"

She shakes her head. "Sorry. I'm not going to help you in hurting others."

Freakin'... "Alright, any non-offensive spells? Something?"

She pauses pensively. "...I… think I could do that. Sure! Let me see if I can find anything suitable for you…"

She opens a book, and thumbs through it. She closes it.

This process repeats itself a few times, until she opens up a fancy-looking tome.

"Let's see…" Her eyes light up. "Ah! This one actually has spells. Hold on…"

She thumbs through a couple pages. "Let's see… Time Bomb…"

I'd like that one, please.

"PSI Magnet…"

Actually, no, I want that one! Gimme that one!

"Cure…"

I cut in. "I'd like all of the above, please and thank you."

She shakes her head. "Time Bomb is offensive. Also, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't like PSI Magnet, for what it's worth." What!? No!

"Nah, look yo, I can settle for PSI Magnet." I give a half-grin as if I'm making a compromise.

She shakes her head again. "No, no- the least I can do is give you something actually useful…"

The world doesn't want me to get good utility spells. Send help. Also, how is the ability to steal mana from enemies in a world of magic _not_ useful!?

I fold my arms. "Fine…"

She looks at me and grins. "Sheesh. At least be happy about it… it's pretty tedious to just thumb through books like this, you know? You're lucky I even feel like helping you to begin with."

After a few more moments, she's got an answer. "I've got a good one for you!"

No, you don't.

She raises a finger. "Ligneous Apparatus Manifestation!"

...Say who now?

"I mean, even I could pull this one off, let me just…" Kosuzu squints really hard, focusing on her hand…

…

"...Well, maybe that's not… hold on…"

After dropping focus, she tries again…

…

"...W-well, you get the point…" she scratches her head awkwardly. No, I don't! What are these foreign words!?

She props up the spell tome. "Here, let me read the directions to you. First, open the palm of your hand."

Directions unclear: dick stuck in blender. Help.

"Next, envision a... quadrilateral? Yeah."

...That was a box, right? Square? I took Algebra!

"...O-oh, sorry, I meant uh… envision the quadrilateral in the palm of your hand. Sorry about that." Yeah, kinda figured already there, Sherlock.

"...Now, I want you to copy it, and expand it upward… almost in a box shape, I guess. Yeah. Think of a box, actually. Forget what I said earlier, think of a box in your hand." Kosuzu, you're shot. Freakin' translators, yo.

…

…

Is she uh…

She snapped to attention. "Oh, right. Sorry about that, I just kinda got carried away reading. You see, the wording was a little off in this one part and-"

"I'm trying to focus on the spell here!" I raise my voice back at her.

"A-alright! Geez!" Kosuzu shoves her face into the book.

…

"...Now just, like, think of the smooth wood you see in finely crafted tables. Fill the box with that wood. Imagine it materializing."

Alright…

After a few moments of focusing on my hand, a green glow lightly washed over it as a box slowly formed. Maintaining focus, I oversaw the materialization process to the very end. I had achieved…

...making a very simple wooden box. It was the size of like… a Rubix cube or something.

I smile. "That was the warm-up course, right? When's the bigger boxes?"

Kosuzu blinks. "...What do you mean?"

...C'mon, Kosuzu, work with me… "...I mean, this isn't that uh… useful, to be honest."

She jerked her head back. "With a name like Ligneous Apparatus Manifestation? I didn't squint my eyes over that horrible grammar just to receive ungratefulness in return!"

I drop the block on the floor and repeat the casting process faster this time. At least it doesn't use much mana, but uh…

Clunk. I drop my new block on the first block.

...Clunk. I drop my third block on the second.

...Clunk.

...Clunk.

Kosuzu claps her hands together. "See!? It's magic!" She bends down and grins at the blocks. "...You don't see a lot of this in the village these days… Everyone's so afraid of the arcane…"

Curious, considering the village is freakin' surrounded by- Hold the phone, didn't Keine and Sakuya duel over the village just a few days ago? Surely they count that as 'arcane'. If they don't, then I'll eat that mob cap I stole from Remilia's wardrobe. Or Kaguya's wig.

...I don't think this justifies denying me PSI Magnet… or Cure…

Standing up, she then smirks at me. "...I don't think you can hurt anybody with this either!"

You done did it, yo. Now I will have to find a way to hurt someone with this. Maybe if I build a rea~lly tall tower and slowly tip it over on someone sitting on a bench…

I smirk back at her. "What if I chuck it at people, yo?"

"Then I think there's nothing I could have done to prevent you from harming others in the first place. You'd be the type of person who assaults others with pencils and stuff. Not a lot I can do about that." She shrugs.

Hmmm…

Ooh! "Pencils can't be used with slingshots, yo! Dude, now you're like, my weapons dealer. We can be partners in crime! While you're at it…" I take out the box of cartoonishly large sniper rounds. "Can you find a way to replicate these?"

Kosuzu sighs. "You're one of those village idiot types, aren't you?... At the very least, I guess that means you're not out to hurt anyone. Purposefully, anyway."

She's kinda right about that!

She looks at the box of sniper bullets. "...I don't really know what… Oh! I think I saw those!" She turns around a bit, unable to decide on which way to go for a little while, before she eventually moves towards a book pile and starts sifting through them.

"It was a… a…" She sifts through the pages of some kind of encyclopedia. "Bullet! That's what it was!" She turns to me and shows me the page. It had a crude drawing of a bullet on it, and the book was apparently handwritten. I couldn't read the handwriting for the life of me, let alone whatever language it was.

...Kosuzu tilts her head. "Why're you carrying bullets, anyway? You don't carry these… projectile dispensers, do you?"

Projectile dispensers. Tools with which one distributes projectiles to their friends! "Nope. I don't." I wish- actually, I _had_ the opportunity to take the rifle for these bullets. I just don't think I'd live to tell the tale if I ever fired it.

"...In any case, I don't think _I_ could duplicate those things. Maybe you could, bu~t… I don't think letting you read this book's a good idea." Kosuzu hugs the tome to her chest.

I step back a bit as if taken aback. "What's the big problem with me readin' it, yo? Can't I take a glance?"

...Kosuzu narrows her eyes at me, but then her eyes widen. She then presses her hand against an open page, and then shows me the book.

...It's uh… Well, I can tell you it's not in Japanese. It's not in English, either. Whatever these moon runes were, I still couldn't read them, however.

"...What language is this even in?" I hold the book sideways, because we all know holding something you don't understand sideways is going to make it understandable.

"Russian, I think." Kosuzu nods.

"...You _think_." Wasn't she just reading it? Yo…!

"I don't know! I picked a language and committed to it!" she irately shot back.

...You mean learning Russian, or what? I tilt my head. I'm confusded!

In any case, Kosuzu decided not to dignify my confusion with a response, and proceeded to put the tome back on a pile of other tomes. "...Was that all you'd need? If so… I don't mean anything personal by it, but could you get out of my house?"

No. I need PSI Magnet and Cure and all that other overpowered shit! What kind of tome is that, anyway!?

...Although, I had things I could be doing, now that it was day.

"Alright, yo. I'll be around town, friend." I wave at Kosuzu.

"Don't get lynched by the guards, or anything. That'd be bad." Kosuzu promptly saw me off.

I appreciate the sentiment, but no shit!

With that, I took off into the streets!

…

"Hey, there he is!" Holy shit, was I that bad at being inconspicuous? It's only been like, a minute. Normally, people just glaze over me! I think it's the freakin' monk robes…

I hear some guards scuffle towards me, so I start scuffling myself, racing through the crowd. I had a good time doing so because I was very much used to negotiating myself through school hallways!... and the village paths were really not that much different, aside from the whole 'everyone going everywhere' bit of disorganization.

...Which was kinda the same as some school intersections, actually. The easiest way to go about getting through one was just plowing through everyone and hoping no one plowed back.

And so began my rude excursion of shoving people aside on the street!

"Hey, watch it, buddy!" Sorry!

"Holy… really!?" Apologies!

As I ran by a girl, I… oh, right. No one's wearin' short skirts in the winter, so I can't throw it up.

…

I just elbow her like the other guys, whatever.

"Ah! Excuse me!?" She whirls around to face me, and starts running after me.

Oh, boy! I had the best idea!

Conga line! Conga line!

I see Keine over at some sort of stand. I dunno what they sell there, but she's there!

Passing her, I stop next to her- I don't wanna stay here too long, though.

I feel something crash into me. Oh, right. That girl I literally just assaulted was on my ass the whole time.

"Got you!" she exclaimed, holding onto my arm. "Guards!"

I stomp on her foot, "Nope!" and then I push her into Keine.

Keine turns to face me, and freezes.

" _You_ …"

...I'm contemplating blowing myself up with the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber just to get a speed boost, now.

Or maybe I could chuck freakin' wood blocks at people to not die as fast!

Either way I handle it, I have to book it _now_!

With reckless abandon, I cleave my way through the crowds as fast as I can.

"Eek!"

"You- Hey! Get the hell back here!"

"P-pervert! Someone, help, please!"

I have started the commotion!

I hear powerful stomping behind me, so I reached into my sack. Looking back for a moment-

"I go~t you!" Keine shouted triumphantly as she lunged for me.

Blam!

...I was left spinning by the blast of the Bawmber. Groggily, I grabbed it and started running. My everything hurts, now…

"U-ugh…" Keine was staggered, but not stirred, apparently. After a moment to regain her bearings, she ran pretty much as fast as she was before. Shieut!

Pocketing the Bawmber, I moved to take out the Escape Plan, because heaven knows I was going to need one after the mess I got myself in!

I pull it out, and begin running faster…!

"Gah!" "Aaugh!"

...I ran into a dude by accident. Sincerest sorrows, again!

I run from him as Keine attempts to lunge for me, and clips the guy instead.

"A-oouch!"

Oof, yo. Her arm like, displaced him completely. Rip, friend.

...One again, I found myself with an angry mob after me. This happens _way_ too often...

"Face your crimes!" Keine barks to me from behind. I hear an angry murmur from the guards who are quite, quite far behind us but are now many in number. It'd probably do them good to drop the armor, or something. They might just box me in anyway.

...Between Keine and the guards were angry villagers. They were friendly, dude.

"The British are coming! The British are coming!" I shout, running down the streets of the human village as just a storm of pain is trailing me.

"Ough!" "Fu-augh!"

...I hit another guy. Eheh…

I scramble to my feet and bolt as Keine reaches for my feetsies. Ooo~!

"Damn it!" Keine must've barely missed.

"Haha~h!" I squee to myself. Despite the creeping aches, and the impending doom, running was quite enjoyable!... while I'm running, at any rate. Once I stop and the pain kinda sets in, that's probably gonna change pretty quickly.

I near the village square again! I hear the chime of a shop's bell for a moment, and then-

Thud! "Oof…"

I crashed into something. I was a little too busy looking down as I run as I usually do, and looking towards the sound of the chime, which came pretty close to where I was.

Thud! "Yes! Ye~s!" Jesus Christ, Keine. Don't freakin' blow your load on me, here.

Whomp! Thud! Thud! Boof!

An angry murmur came from the chasing villagers.

...A symphony of clanks came from behind them, presumably the guards running into each other.

As it turns out, Gensokyo has traffic pile ups, too!

...So in summary, I was pretty much smooshed into someone of vague description, while Keine pretty much was clung to me as villagers smooshed _her_ into me, and then _they_ got smooshed into _her_ by the guardsmen who all ran into each other… and this isn't including anyone the guardsmen pissed off along the way, if anyone.

...My face is pressed so hard against the person's back, I can't see anything! My nose is getting crushed!... For what it's worth, it smells perfumey though. A girl, maybe?

Working my head around, I got a glimpse of plaid material.

Oh. Well, maybe it's just someone, uhh…

The pile up shifts a bit, and I get a better look…

Green hair. Plaid clothes, green hair.

…

I'd like to go back to not knowing who this is.

"This ends here!" Keine roars, pulling me and her from the pile. A collective murmur of surprise came from the villagers.

"Waaugh!" I wail. 'Cause, y'know… waaugh!

Yuuka turns around. "...If I wanted a back massage, I would've gone to a beauty salon."

Keine stops and looks at her.

The villagers stop and look at her.

The few guards who worked their way around the villagers stop and look at her.

I stop and look at her.

"...First time in a good while the village has been this rowdy for absolutely no reason." Yuuka looks around at the chaos caused by our traffic jam. "Unfortunately, such an effort didn't even make me budge. I suppose I can't justify self-defense, then. Truly a misfortune."

The villagers decide the best idea would be to go about business as usual and _fucking book it_.

The guards cautiously approach… or what was left of them, anyway. The majority mysteriously vanished!

Keine stands up from me, leaving me on the ground. "Don't make me force my hand, Kazami. I am on the verge of rescuing this village from a large deal of further trouble and harm. You may do as you please, but you cannot deny me of this."

Keine confidently props her arms on her hips.

All is silent due to the absence of villagers and tension of the guards. Those blokes freakin' jetted!

The wind blows softly, long dead autumn leaves accompanying it here or there.

"...I take that as a challenge." Yuuka cracked her neck idly. "I like challenges."

I try to back away a bit, but Keine quickly stomps near my legs.

I wave my arm. "Hello, friend!"

Keine nods. "You're in league, hmm? Figures."

"Hahahah!" Yuuka begins laughing. "...You're amusing when you're in moods like these, Kamishirasawa-san. It's been quite some time since you've been on your anti-youkai crusades. Here I had thought that you'd finally settled down."

Keine glares at her. "I do what I must to protect the village. Only that much."

"And where does that line lie?" Yuuka begins walking towards her.

"Isn't it obvious?" Keine takes a defensive stance. "When something is a threat, remove it. Elementary. I happen to teach it, you know."

Yuuka smirks as if Keine said something amusing. "Pfft… Such a thought process is only fitting, I suppose."

...This reminds me of conversations in movies. It sounds like a lot of important shit is going on, but you'd never see a conversation _this_ fluid in real life. Such ambiguous speaking'd be ripe for misunderstandings!

That, and because of that, I don't know what the hell usually goes on, either! From the looks of things, Keine and Yuuka've got beef, yo.

"...You can't stop me." Yuuka puts things simply.

"I can try." Keine scowls.

"Why?" Yuuka asks.

"You're being a threat." Keine explains.

"...How?" Half-smirk! The smirkiest of smirks…!

"You've terrorized the villagers." Keine's keepin' it brief, yo.

"...Pedantics. Besides, they terrorize themselves, most of the time." Yuuka shakes her head. "I bet more humans have killed each other in the past year than youkai, to be honest. It's not often that humans wander outside, not anymore. Not with that wall."

"Exactly. Not with that wall. The guarded wall that keeps the youkai out." Keine's still frowny faces!

"Not with that wall that keeps the humans in." Yuuka smirks cockily.

"So says the violent, sadistic youkai." Keine takes a deep breath. "I've had enough of your arrogance, Kazami. Leave now."

"...So, what's this you said about 'rescuing the village'?" Yuuka tilts her head.

"Leave!" Keine barks.

The wind softly blows.

Yuuka begins walking towards us.

I turn to Keine. "Can I stand up, now?"

She turns to me, angry. "...Is that all you have to say, you-"

She turned to see Yuuka sprinting towards her. She takes to the air to avoid a barrage of fists.

I stand up now that Keine was away from me, only for Yuuka to duck down and grab my ankle- forcing me to fall, again.

"Ah…" I breathe out. Freakin' surprised.

Yuuka holds me up by the ankle, and looks down at me. "...I suppose this matter is about you? No, you're not a youkai. Silly me." Yuuka drops me. Gee, thanks!

Keine tenses up for a moment, but calms once I'm dropped. "...Just leave, Kazami."

"Shut u~p…" Yuuka tiredly replies. "I heard you the first time. You can't stop me, anyway."

I clamber up from the floor. "...I think I'll just let you guys settle this…" I begin walking away…

I'm grabbed by the collar. Yuuka, make up your mind.

"Nah. I have business to settle with you."

Woah no.

"...Leave the youkai here." C'mon, Keine. Turn that frown, upside down~!

"...Youkai?" Yuuka looks at me and squints. "...Al~right. No. I'll take the… 'youkai' with me." Oh, thank fuck, Yuuka's not as fookin' stoopid as Keine's being.

"Land Sign! Three Sacred Treasures… Mirror!"

Blue danmaku begins raining across the village's everythings, which was probably a normal Tuesday by this point.

Large green orbs shot out into the air in a spread, slowly. Subtle magic circles whirled around, which seemed to be the source of the blue and red danmaku that was probably going to make the village eat shit in a few moments.

...I just had the amusing thought that everyone carries danmaku-resistant umbrellas around for those particularly rainy days. Nah, that'd be too smart for the villagers… but now I've got something to look for!

Yuuka draws her parasol and promptly steals my idea. Well, shit. Now I can't go around telling people I made it up…

I brace myself for the pain, but Yuuka moves smoothly enough that the bullets don't even-

Eaugh!

…

Nevermind. A few graze her, and whenever they do, she makes sure to position herself so they just hit me. Freakin' bitch…

"You can't hope to win, Kamishirasawa! I've got more than enough armor to complement my speed!" Yuuka gleefully yells to her adversary.

Keine grimaces as Yuuka weaves her way through the bullets.

By the way, ouch.

Pain! Aagh!

"E-egh…" I groan a bit as more of the small kunai bolts clip me. I had enough getting the shit beat out of me these past few days, yo!

"Rescue this!" Yuuka cheers, closing her parasol and aiming it at Keine.

Vrrrrr~!

Promptly, all of Keine's danmaku was annihilated, a large laser engulfing her.

As it fizzled out, Keine was left floating weakly in the center of it.

"...D-damn it…"

Yuuka huffs, pleased. "Disappointing, to be sure. Come, boy. We're going to have a talk, you and I." I'll definitely break out of your iron grip, Yuuka. Uh-huh. For sure. It's not like I'm totally powerless in this situation!

Yuuka begins flying towards her-

"I-I'm not done yet…"

Keine was looking a bit more determined, despite her more ruffled appearance.

Yuuka pursed her lips. "Ah… This was what I was anticipating."

"Ending Sign! Phantasmal Emperor!"

Holy shit, lasers!

Blue danmaku, accompanied by blue lasers, created a grand, all-blue light show over the village… and I had a front row seat!

I feel a danmaku laser pierce me for what I think was the first time. It made me wish real life had mercy invincibility because _that fucking smarts_!

"Aa-aahhhh! Fuck me!" I bark out, the laser smoothly passing through me as my body jittered in agony, and I tried to cope with the pain. I wasn't just gonna feel that in the morning, I was gonna feel that like a week from now!

"...This is almost getting bo~ring, were it not for Kamishirasawa-san's amusing banter." Yuuka complains.

I wasn't paying attention to what was happening, but-

Vrrrrr!

...Pretty sure Keine just lost.

Once again, when I looked at her, she was just floating in the air uselessly.

"...Now that that's settled…" Yuuka grins. "Let us-"

"N-no…"

Yuuka whirled around to face Keine, who was getting ready for round three.

"...Hmm?" Yuuka hummed curiously.

"...Hyah…!"

Keine lunged forward, sending a single, straight red laser outward. Yuuka angled herself so it'd hit me, but it was still awhile before it'd get here because Keine made it re~al slow…

As Yuuka watched Keine weakly float down towards the Earth, I had a suicidal idea. Fuck the laser!

I reached for Yuuka's crotch.

As I did so, her hand suddenly stopped me. Balls.

"...I _was_ going to pretend to let that laser hit you."

Okay, I think I deserve this one. Bring- _fuck it all_!

"Daaa~mn…!" I curse slowly, focusing my pain into my swearing. Swearing makes the pain go away, yo…

Yuuka chuckled. "You're lucky you hadn't succeeded. I might have- no, I _would_ have killed you."

Hyonk. Yeah, I felt pretty hopeless in this situation!... It's not like calling for help would do anything besides get my mouth stuffed full of parasol, lasers, and parasol lasers, which might I add are the worst kind of lasers.

Y'know, you're just going about your business on a rainy day and fwoom~! You opened your umbrella and a big ass anime laser comes out and downs the nearest airliner. Now you're on trial for slaughtering the innocents with the power of friendship!

…

If you couldn't tell, I was also bored. In the time I spent thinking of that ridiculous scenario, we seem to have departed for the sunflower field.

"...What do you fear most, human?" Yuuka asks me out of nowhere.

...If I really had to say, I guess it'd be getting teleported into a wall, and getting frozen carbon-freezing style like Han Solo. Imagine being awake for that time you were frozen. Shieut, man.

"...Answer me." Yuuka stopped flying and held me in the air magically, so she could glare at me face to face. I gotta admit, she was pretty!... even if she was about to disembowel me with parasol lasers!

"I dunno, I haven't ever given it much thought! I guess… I guess darkness. I mean, like, anything could be in it." Spoiler: The majority of the time, I do not fear darkness! While I do fear the fact that anything could be in it, I usually just tell myself that I'm the worst thing in it. Stuff doesn't wanna run into me by accident. I'm the king of the dark!

…

Maybe scratch off that last part. Being king of the dark isn't a good thing. All that means is that starry-eyed heroes of light come in droves to fuck your shit up with obscenely powerful weaponry. I would know so.

Yuuka smirks. "Darkness, huh? Is that rea~lly so scary?"

Time to ham it up! "H-... hey, c'mon, don't judge me." I weakly protest.

"Fufufu~! Don't worry, boy. After all, the worst thing you can find in the dark is me… and I'm not scary, am I?" She gives a wry grin for effect.

...You're right, yo. You're not scary. You sit in broad daylight hugging sunflowers! You don't even do stuff in the dark! I'd get freakin' gibbed if I said that, though!

I widen my eyes anyway, more so to take in the details of her smile. She really was freakin' pretty.

This makes me realize I've still not come up with a good slasher smile for myself! Not like I'd ever use it, mind you…but y'know, if I ever had the opportunity-

Suddenly I'm mobile again, Yuuka having been satisfied with my 'terror' and now lugging me around again. I gotta say, though, it feels weird having your blood rush to your head… although compared to the pain, I think I could manage.

"...Some brave adventurer you are. Scared of the dark…" Yuuka mutters just loud enough for me to hear her, before snorting in amusement.

…

… Are we there yet? Freakin'...

"Hey, Yuuka, whadda _you_ fear most?" I ask back.

"I don't."

Well, that was productive!

"Is it bunny rabbits?"

She pauses, takes a glance at me, and keeps going.

"I'll just pretend you didn't say that, and you get to pretend you didn't nearly die today. At least, not from this moment." Yuuka quips, once again threatening my demise.

…

"It's times like these that I've gotta contemplate life's important questions." I begin.

"...Such as being quiet before the flower lady kills you?" Yuuka betrays her irritation with a threat, despite sounding completely neutral. I think.

"Nah. It's like… how can feet smell, if they don't have a nose?"

…

"Very carefully." Yuuka shamelessly steals my joke.

Shieut.

...

An~d…

We're here!

Floating over the field, Yuuka drops me next to the garden table, allowing me to use my arms to shield myself a bit. She floats down to the door of her house.

"Now, sit there and be a good boy. I actually have something for you… I'll just be a moment." With that, Yuuka departs into her house.

…

Quickly! Do all the things!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

When Yuuka walks back out, she finds her garden table's chairs have all been stacked up on the table and I was near the top, holding out Swift Brand and adjusting it ever so slightly every couple moments.

She blinks. "...What exactly are you doing with my furniture?"

I glance back at her. "I-I, look…" I take a moment to readjust the hanger as if I was busy. "I'm tryin' to get the big game! The signal just ain't comin' in!"

…

Yuuka kicks the table forcefully, and I leap from my chair tower and fall to the ground.

"Ouch…" I land on my side and oof. Talk about gettin' the wind taken outta you…

"Remember when I said I was going to give you a reward for solving the incident?" Yuuka sneered down at me.

Is the reward going to be kinky foot fetish malarky? If so, we might need a cut here-

A plant hanger drops onto the grass in front of me.

"Here."

Ooo~!

She laughs. "A plant hanger. Only fitting for someone such as yourself… and I heard you collect them, yes? That's your reward, then. An aged, used plant hanger. Did you expect anything more?" Yuuka triumphantly gazes down at me. "Fufufu… I upheld my end of the bargain. Be a good boy, and run along now. Play with your silly hanger, or something."

I examined the hanger. The part I normally held onto was foldable, having a button on it for the folding action. It had an orange and grey color scheme, seeming to be made of some old metal.

"What's it called?" I ask her.

She raises a brow. "...A plant hanger. Have you hit your head?... I'd like to imagine you did."

Trust me, Yuuka, deprecating banter goes _right_ over my head!

I swing it a few times. Feels… like Swift Brand minus the upgrades. Really?

...The color scheme reminds me of something, though.

"...You're a freak." Yuuka deadpans, moving to rearrange her furniture that I disrupted. "Just go. I'll find you when I want you."

I smile. "Thanks for the new weapon, yo!"

With that, I got out my Yin-Yang Flail-o-copter, and took off to the skies again…!

Yuuka blinked at me as I took off, seemingly still surprised by what I made. "That… _thing_. Right."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Touching down in front of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, I make my way to the fluffle stand.

"Raise for the appraisal!" I announce my presence to the fluffle!

"hi" it stares at me.

Y'see, that's whatcha gotta do yo! You gotta announce your authority to the pack, and then slowly bring'em to a close, like- nyeeeaauuu~!

…

Gensokyo does things to you, man.

Ha-chan hovers up from the Gensokyian wilderness, her outfit uneven and ripped in places.

"...I see you found friends." I smile at her.

She looked tired. "I wanna take a nap…"

"friends, hello" The fluffle was waving its fins.

I planted my new plant hanger on the table. "Read it and weep, friend! What's it called, what's it do?"

The fluffle looked up at me gingerly. "i dont weep, friend"

…

It proceeded to actually do as I told it! "the Market Gardener! able to deal critical hits when blast jumping; non-elemental" it explained, smiling as it finished.

...Just some o~ld plant hanger, she said? Just some old plant hanger!?

Du~de… Yuuka just gave me the stuff of _legends_!

Beaming, I grab Ha-chan by the shoulders.

"Huh…?" She gazes at me in confusion, her tired stupor showing.

"We're gonna go become rocket hopping hooligans, Ha-chan!" I shake her by the shoulders.

"...Sure?" Ha-chan's freakin' shot, yo. I dunno what she was out doin' all day, but she's all tuckered out, now!

Well, whatever, yo, I don't got time to lose tucking Ha-chan into bed! I'm too hype right now!

Meiling was outside the manor, staring up at the newly structured front wall.

"...That's gotta be enough distance from the throne room to be center. No… doubt… about it…" Meiling muttered to herself as she judged the structuring.

I walk up behind her and pat her on the back.

She jumps, and on reflex goes to elbow me, striking the Bawmber.

Blam!

Ouu~ch! For fuck's sa~ke! Haven't I endured enough bullshit today!?

Flying back, I try once again to strafe like the many FPS heroes of old, only to marginal success.

By marginal, I mean very little.

...which means I land flat on my ass outside the front gate, unable to strike anything. Life is rough, yo.

"...Huua~h…" I groan, standing up again. Existing takes effort!

"...Could you warn me next time!?" Meiling shouts from the gate, walking out to glare at me.

"No! I could not, because I was caught off guard too!" I yell back, a little grated by my pain.

"Well, don't be!" Meiling feistily retorts, making her way back to examine the front of the building.

Sheesh...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Ha-chan tiredly sat on the floor a little ways away from me, while I prepared myself to blast-hop with the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber through the library.

Oh, and by the way, we were in the library now.

"I wanna slee~p… Brad-ku~n…" Ha-chan murmured.

"Shhh! I'm huntin' for sandy fluffs…!" I whisper to her with bated breath, even if it was entirely unnecessary.

You see, about a few aisles down from me, Patchouli, Remilia, Flandre, and some fairy frikers were all examining that tubby fluffle from earlier. I couldn't have that, yo! I gotta prove to them I can exert an iron hanger upon all of fluff...ity? Fluffanity? Fluff-kind, basically. Whatever!

Oh, yeah. I named him George Jetson, didn't I?

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: GEORGE JETSON'S PERSPECTIVE ====

im surrounded by friends!

"this specimen is quite large compared to the rest" purple lady said

"hes cuddly" the little red lady said

"im tubby" i corrected

"for the love of… we heard that the first twenty times you insufferable fluffball!" the mean scarlet lady said

and then there were expluu~sions! help!

i wave my fins to request help

"';',;.',;.';,'.;" empbem

i tell my friend

";,';.',;.',;.';,.',;'." bempembem

help is not coming

oh no

[[ ]]

';,.';,';.',;.

…

…

…

[[ **END TRANSMISSION** ]]

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

I jump back as I slam Bee-Sheventeen against the floor-

Blam!

"Aaa~gh!" I hoarsely yell. You may wish to inquire why I'm freakin' hurting myself again.

I mean… I was already in a hell of a lot of pain, so I figured a little more wouldn't kill me. You see, when I'm not in pain, I can easily say things like 'pain is just weakness leaving the body!'

...It's a totally different story when you're _in_ pain, though.

Nearing the top of the book shelf, I tighten my hold on the Bawmber and slam it down hard against the shelf top.

Boom!

"Fuuhuu-uu-..." My voice cuts out! Probably not a sign of good things! Ooouuhoouuhouu…

Touhou, huh? More like touh _ouch_!

…

As I near the floor, I man up and take the next blast to propel myself towards the fluffle like a man, because I deserved it for my incredibly shite pun.

Bam!

U-ugh… Why did I ever think this was a good idea!?

Flying high into the air, I brandished the Market Gardener as I glared down at the tubby form of George Jetson.

"For the love of… We heard that the first twenty times, you insufferable fluffball!" Remilia snapped as her patience wore thin at George Jetson.

The fluffle wailed as I descended.

"Waaa~l!"

As I fell, I swiped the Market Gardener towards the head of George Jetson.

Smaaa~sh!

Time seemed to slow as I struck the fluffle, and my eyes fixated on the point of contact, the fluffle's head slowly being pushed inward by the blow. Despite me knowing the fluffle had little but dust in it, my arm shook as if I struck a rock, even though I could quite clearly see the plant hanger piercing the fluffle's dusty exterior and interior.

...Then I hit the floor.

"Haa~h!" I yelled in pain as I collapsed on the floor. The fluffle exploded into a mess of fluff and dust, prompting Patchouli to hastily make a retreat from it.

Remilia was covered in stuffing. "...I... What?"

Flandre blinked. "...Why?"

From the floor, I grin through my pain, and make that cross motion on my torso with my hand, that thing some religious folks do. "You were fluffy… and now you're dead. Amen."

Hells to the yeah.

Also, ouch. Like, really ouch. Fuck.

"...Well, at least I don't have to do it myself." Remilia folded her arms.

"He was fluffy…" Flandre sat down on the ground, looking melancholic.

Remilia glanced at her sister, then looked a little guilty. "...Look, Flan, I'll find you a better toy. One that isn't as insufferable… or dusty, for that matter."

Flandre smiled, and looked up at her sister. "...Thanks, Remi!"

Woohoo! I happened to make a sisterly bonding moment by being an asshole and gibbing a fluffle! That extra pain I put myself through was _almost_ worth it!

Reluctantly, I stand up. I'd like to just go to sleep there on the floor, but y'know… stuff and things.

"...Did anyone get the number of the truck that hit me…?" I comment, feeling my aching everythings.

"...You've seen better days, I take it." Remilia comments.

"Yeah." I grin. "Today was good. Painful, too!... but good."

She nods. "That's nice."

I hold up the Market Gardener. "Meet… the Market Gardener, yo."

Patchouli floats up as the dust has finally finished settling. "Yet another chunk of metal for your collection. What pseudo-magical properties does this one have imbued within it this time?"

"If I'm falling from a blast-jump, I hit things thrice as hard, and whatever damage I do is thrice as much!" I grin wickedly! It's awesome!

…

"...That seems incredibly situational and not entirely intuitive to use." Patchouli replies, eying it boredly.

"It is, infact, extremely situational! But it's very dynamic and powerful if used correctly!" I defend it.

"Mmm… I doubt it." Patchouli dismisses it.

Patchy, as much as I wanna get into your robes, I take offense to that!

"Just you wait, yo. I'm gonna market garden some freakin' noobs!" Mark my words, miss Knowledge!

…

Just not today, because I don't want to lose my legs!

"...Sure." Patchouli begins to float off. "Now, since that situation was… settled, I suppose I'll return to my studies."

You do that, cuddle mage!

…

Remilia floats off, and Flandre follows her. The assorted fairy frikers just begin leaving.

"H-hey, help, friends! Me need bed, need!" Maybe if I talk like a caveman, they'll help!

A brown-haired fairy with a very interesting pupil design approaches me. "H-hey…"

I look at her, and see she has red sevens for eyes, like the kind you'd see on a slot machine. She must be really lucky! "Hello, friend."

"You're that Brad guy, right?" she confirms.

I nod. "Yes. Help."

She smiles. "That's good… I need some help, too…"

I'm not in a very good position to be helping people, right now…!

"Look, that's great- listen, could you bring me to a bed so I can freakin' die, yo?" Figuratively, of course!

Her eyes widen. "D-die!? No! You can't die! I still need your help!" She leaps on me and begins shaking my shoulders.

"H-h-he~y, yo, cut that out! It was a figure of speech!" I resist her shaking antics!

"...W-well, it wasn't a good one." she huffs, folding her arms.

...The conversation's dead, Jim! We're just staring at eachother awkwardly now! She's still lying on me, too, which isn't making this easy for my hormones!

"W-what!?" She suddenly jumps off of me.

"I dunno!" I yell. What's she freakin' out about!?

"P-pervert…!"

Oh.

Then she kicks me in the freakin' face!

"F-aah!" I blurt in pain, my consciousness fading…

She freezes. "...W-wait, come back!"

Too late, sheela! You done did… knocked me out...

…

...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

 _I was sitting in a room with no doors with a limbless fluffle._

" _im a walnut" it corrected me._

 _Oh, excuse me._

 _I was sitting in a room with a limbless walnut. I wanted to hug it._

" _Aww." I stared at the 'walnut'._

 _The room was empty, the walls a pasty green and the floors a bland, speckled blue. The ceiling was tan._

 _The limbless 'walnut' was in one of those high chairs for babies. I was sitting in a cheap, blue, plastic seat._

 _I got up and approached the 'walnut', and gave it a big sniff._

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

My eyes shot open.

"...Smells fluffy." I muttered to myself.

I was in some bedroom, or something, still in my monk robes. Speaking of which, monk robes were really freakin' nice to sleep in compared to shirts and pants…

"...Oh, you're awake!" the brown-haired fairy maid jumped to attention. "...S-sorry about, uhm… knocking you out like that. You startled me, was all…"

She's vaguely sensible, apparently. "...Daz koo, yo."

"...What?"

Sigh. "...That's cool, yo."

"O-oh…"

…

Can anyone spell awkwa~rd?

I stand from the bed, now feeling refreshed and restored!... kinda. Still ached in a few places, but I'm not dead! Now I'm only dead on the inside!

"...I haven't introduced myself yet, but you can call me Seven. My friends call me Seven-chan." Seven formally introduces herself.

"Hello." I wave at her.

"...Hey." She waves back.

Seven-chan, huh? Where've I heard that before…?

"...So, uhm… I still have something I need you to help me with." Seven timidly pokes her fingers together.

Spit it out already, friend.

She looks very reluctant about expressing this. "...I'm… I have a fear of boxes."

Bam! The door swung open!

"He~y, Brad-kun! Look what I have~!" Ha-chan barges into the room, holding a large box of things. I dunno what's inside!

Seven's pupils contract. "..."

Ha-chan hurries up to my bedside and dumps the box down. Eagerly, she rips it open and takes out some things from inside.

"Look!" She gets really excited and takes out some oranges. "Fruits of the Earth!"

...I mean, I like oranges, but uh… what?

Thud.

I look over to Seven, who has collapsed on the floor, and was now jittering manically.

"A-aah… N-no, no no no!" She starts flailing her legs and sticks her hands in the air. "No~!"

Ha-chan pauses to look at her, then smiles. "Hey, Seven-chan!"

"Hahhh, hahhh, hahhh, hahhh…" Seven was hyperventilating, pushing herself along the floor until she reached a corner. With fearful eyes, she looked at the box. "G-get...guh…"

Ha-chan tilts her head, and pouts. "...Are you alright, Seven-chan? What's wrong?"

"Gagah… B-b… Huuaahh!" Seven inhaled deeply.

"...I'm sure she'll get over it!" Ha-chan turned to me jovially. "Here!"

Ha-chan took out an armful of oranges from the box and dumped them on me.

...What am I supposed to do with all these oranges!?

She then took another armful and dumped them on me, and now I was sitting up and oranges were rolling behind me…

What the hell am I supposed to do with all these oranges, Ha-chan!?

"Ha-chan, what am I supposed to-"

"Shhh, just relax, Brad-kun…" For whatever reason, she interrupts me, and drops more oranges in my lap.

Seven was sobbing in the corner of the room, now in a fetal position. "...Oohh…"

Sakuya chose this moment to walk in on us.

"Brad, you are requested in the-"

...She pauses and watches Ha-chan dump oranges on me. She then turns to look at Seven, who is still sobbing in the corner.

"...I'll come back later. I appear to be interrupting something. My sincerest apologies." Sakuya hastily shuts the door.

I still don't know what the fuck Ha-chan is doing to me.

"Ha-chan, why are all these oranges in my lap?"

She jerks her head back, disbelieving."...They're _tangelos_."

Of course they are.

"P-please… n-no more…" Seven is still losing her freakin' mind over there!

That's it, yo, I had to do something!

I roll out of bed away from Ha-chan, accidentally crushing oranges in the process, and then slip on oranges as I get out of bed.

"What the fuck's with all the oranges!?" I yell, sliding around on like, a layer of oranges.

"I-I don't know! I like oranges!" Ha-chan defends her pride.

After a long and trying battle against the Orange Star Army, I finally got to the box, and slid it off the bed. Oranges spilled out onto the floor…

...and kept spilling.

"Jesus Christ, how the fuck did you- Wau!" I was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of oranges pouring out and was once again swept away.

"No!" Ha-chan desperately tries to lift the box again, but the stream of oranges stops her.

"T-thank… god…" Seven exhales deeply, unable to see the box since it's on the other side of the bed. "It's finally over…"

I slide up next to her against my will, being pushed by the oranges. "...Hi."

She looks over at me. "...Hey."

...Then she looks at the oranges. "...W-what happened!?"

Ha-chan slid into us. "Fun!"

"Pain." I substitute.

...The room was still filling! We better all know how to freakin' swim!

...The door opens again.

"What- Wait!"

Sakuya was assaulted by a torrent of oranges as she opened the door.

"W-wa~h!"

She fell into the wave, and got swept away.

"H-hold…!"

Have fun out there, Sakuya!

That's it, I had to put an end to this madness…!

I took out Swift Brand and started blowing back oranges.

Fwooosh!

Fwooo~sh!

Swimming, sliding, tripping, and diving my way through the oranges, I reach the bed. When I get to the still-flowing box, I proceed to smash it with Swift Brand.

"Freakin' die already!"

Thunk! Thunk! Thunk! Thunk!

It was still flowing!

Thunk! Thunk!

Cra~ck!

I broke open the wooden crate, and all the sides of it collapsed. The oranges ceased pouring out. I have defeated the orange menace!

"...Okay…" I take a deep breath, lying in a sea of oranges.

Ha-chan was over with Seven, and they were still discussing stuff and things.

Sakuya appeared in the door, floating. She didn't look too happy! "...Brad, why is a steady stream of oranges flowing from this room?"

I shrug. "Look, ask Ha-chan. I'm just as confused as you are."

Ha-chan looked scared at the presence of Sakuya. "U-uhm… I-I don't know! Seven-chan did it!"

"W-what!? No! That fucking box did it! Boxes always do everything! Fuck boxes!" Seven got very aggressive by the end of her sentence.

…

"I'm sure if the box was alive, it'd be accusing me. I insist it was Ha-chan, though." I helpfully provide.

Sakuya sighs. "Look… just clean up all these oranges. I don't care where you put them, just… get rid of them, or at least contain them."

With that, she tries to shut the door, but fails.

"...I'll just leave this open…" she mutters, floating away.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Standing in some arbitrary hall, Ha-chan and I are ready to instruct Seven in the art of not-fearing-boxes!

...and if you're wondering what happened to those tangelos, let's just say it'd be a bad idea if Sakuya ever opened that room again. Which is unfortunate, because that happened to be Seven's bedroom. She'll just have to sleep in mi- yeah I don't even have one. Nor does Ha-chan at this point either, I think.

The fairy life is the rough life, friend.

...Oh, yeah. Stuff was happening!

Ha-chan was dressed in a suit of boxes. "Oogity boogity, Seven-chan! I'm gonna eat you~!"

Seven-chan was fighting primally to escape from the box monster, but I held her in place as she flailed and threw her limbs about. "Aaaa~hhh! Aaa~hhh! Noo~!"

"It's okay- it's okay! Just calm down, Seven! Seven, listen to me!" I yell at her. She begins elbowing me and clawing my arms, which are around her waist. "S-seven, stop! Seven, it's all going to be okay! Seven!"

"Rawr!" Ha-chan playfully wiggled her arms, which were covered in boxes that were all daisy-chained together on her arm.

"A-aahhh! No, no no no! Get me away! Stop! Please!" Seven cries. Tears were streaming from her eyes, and she was screaming. Fuckin'... if I knew it was going to be this bad, I woulda tried to nab Ganpeki's bulldozer suit and some earplugs!

"P-please… S-stop…" Seven's resistance begins to falter. About time, because I was beginning to get tired of the thrashing!

"...Stop…" She began sniffing. "W-why…?"

I was starting to feel bad. I mean, shieut. How scared was she of boxes, anyway? She can _respawn_!

"...A-aahh...waahh..." Seven stared solemnly at the box-adorned Ha-chan, tears streaming down her face as she began sobbing.

"...C'mon now, it's not that bad, is it?" I try to comfort her. "...Look, nothing's happening, see?"

Ha-chan wiggles her arms again. "Raa~h!"

Seven flinches violently, but gives no other reaction.

"...Seven?" I look over to her face.

…

"Raawr!" Ha-chan moves her arms again, but this time nothing happened.

…

"...You okay?" This is gettin' we~ird, dude…

…

"...Seven-chan?" Even Ha-chan noticed!

…

"...We could stop if-"

" **STO~P!** " Seven bellowed, and suddenly I was blasted away by a violent magical force.

"Shi~t!"

Bam!

...I did _not_ need to be thrown into a wall this early in the morning. Was it morning? It's probably night, now… whatever, it was morning to me.

Looking back to Seven, she was now in the air as velvet magic swirled around her. Her eyes were cycling wildly, sevens rolling down like a slot machine… except every slot was a seven! Not all of them were red, though. Green, blue, and yellow sevens were in her eyes as well.

"I~! Haa~te! Bo~xes!" Seven roared, a furious glare resting on Ha-chan.

Ding! One of the sevens stopped on a blue one.

Ding! The other stopped on a blue one.

Ding ding ding ding~!

"Fucking die! Lucky Freeze!"

She threw her arms forward, and at first nothing happened.

…

Tick-tick-tick-tick…

A box of frost formed around Ha-chan, multiple diamonds of ice forming in the air around her.

Uh oh.

FwashFwashFwashFwash!

The ice expanded and materialized rapidly… and then evaporated. But this did not happen once, it happened four times in rapid succession.

Pi~chun!

...The boxes were in frosty bits on the ground, and Ha-chan was deader than a doornail. Talk about a critical hit...

...The fuck was a doornail, anyway!?

Seven slowly floated towards the ground. Once she landed, she fell to her knees and looked at her hands.

"...W-what…"

...Slowly, I approached her. "...Ooo~kay. Soo~... about them boxes…"

Her head shoots towards me, and her expression contorts to one of anger, but it quickly changes back to her shocked one. "...I-I…"

I shrug. "Don't look at me, yo. I'm not the one who just went slot machine and beat the shit out of a fellow fairy with the power of a chilling gambling addiction."

I'm gonna call it now: each seven combination was a different element, or something. What if she got different colors, though? Combo spells? Maybe…

"...What's your element, Seven?" If she says 'slot machines' I'm gonna freakin' brutally murder her.

"...Well, mistress said it was luck, but… I-I never felt very lucky…" Seven shakily explained.

Mmm… figures as much. I'm gonna assume that activated because of stress and she can't just randomly go slot machine on people and kick their asses.

"...Well, guess what?" I ask her.

"...What?" She tilts her head towards me.

"You're a million times more freakin' lucky than me! Where's my crazy bullshit abilities when I get in trouble!?" Seriously!

Seven looks at me, as if offended. "I-it… It wasn't my choice to have this!"

Yo! "I wasn't accusing you, I was accusing myself! Calm down, lady luck!"

…

Seven sighed. "Fine. S-sorry, I guess…"

…

"Look, I-I've gotta go… I gotta get out of here!" Seven got up, and began running down the halls.

…"Don't die, friend!" I wave at her, but she doesn't acknowledge me.

That definitely won't come back to bite me in the ass, like the other things I've said this to that did!

Well… Ha-chan's freakin' dead… again. Didn't Sakuya say I was needed somewhere? I'm glad she didn't elaborate on that, because now I have absolutely no idea where to go. I'll just randomly bug people and see what happens.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Swinging the door open, I invade the room! "Hello, world!"

Remilia looks up from her table. "...Oh, it's you." She resumes drowning herself in tea.

Sip!

"Yeah, yo. It's me." Hyonk!

I walk up and sit at the tea table. "...Still renovating, huh?"

She huffs. "Partially because of you, yes." Sip!

"...You should try kool-aid." I suggest. "It's fun."

"I did." Remilia admitted. "...It's not an experience I would recommend. Sakuya told me I was behaving similarly to Flan the last time I really sat down and drank a pitcher."

Well… "There's your problem, you downed an entire pitcher!"

She glared at me. "...This discussion is over."

Yowza. Didn't know kool-aid freakin' grated the nerves!

...Sip!

"How often do you need to take a tinkle? I mean, with how much you drink…"

Remilia pauses, and just stares at me.

"...What? It's a legitimate question!" Yeah, I'm going to hell, aren't I?

"Do you honestly expect me to tell you?" Remilia states, exasperatedly.

...Well… "Only a little." I think my smiling throws all my statement's credibility to the wind, here.

"...Honestly, if you had asked me that question a week ago, I'd-"

I cut in! "Kill me and gut me like a fish, yes. I know, yo."

Remilia glares at me again, and resumes sipping her tea. Sip!

…"Smart ass."

Hehehehyo~nk!

Sakuya appears! "More tea, mistress?"

Oh, believe me, she doesn't need more tea. Just give her a bottomless kettle thing and be done with it.

"Thank you, Sakuya." Remilia smiles as Sakuya pours tea into her cup, and sets the kettle down. There were now _two_ kettles on the table, Jesus Christ.

Sakuya looks at me. "...Didn't I tell you your presence was requested in the library?"

I shake my head. "No, because you were swept away by oranges, and you thought me and one of your maids was having kinky fruit flavored sex in the back."

Remilia nearly drops her tea cup. "...W-what!?"

Sakuya nervously gauges her mistress' reaction, and looks back at me. "...Well, it is."

I look to Remilia, who looks very skeptical. "...Sakuya, explain." she commands.

"...Well, I don't know what Brad and Hana were doing, but the room was filled with oranges, Hana was dumping them on Brad, and that other maid, Seven, was crying in the corner as oranges began surrounding her." Sakuya awkwardly explained, growing more nervous as her explanation went on.

…

Remilia facepalmed. "...Look, Brad…"

Oh boy! "That's my name!"

"...I don't mind you having sex with the maids now and then, just… There's a limit to these things, you know? Like 'don't flood the room with oranges'. I mean…" Remilia trails off, blushing. Shaking her head, she brings the discussion to a close. "Just go. Get out, go do whatever the hell Sakuya's telling you to do. Just… _ugh_ …"

With that, Remilia sets her head down on the tea table.

...Sakuya looks back at me. "I… think you should leave. Mistress needs a moment to compose herself."

I can see that…!

With that, I was ushered out of the room by Sakuya, who calmly shut the door behind me.

…

"Man, that was awkward!" I merrily exclaimed to the world, setting off to find the library.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"...Do you think I handled that correctly, Sakuya?" Remilia asked her maid.

' _How am I supposed to know!?_ ' "Well… It was satisfactory, mistress."

"...Hmph." Remilia huffed.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Arriving, I was greeted to the plethora of bookshelves and complete loss of my sense of direction! Ahhh, this feeling was beginning to grow on me…

Koakuma steps out from behind some bookshelves. "...Hey, you."

I look around as if she was talking to someone else. "...Me?"

"Yes, you." Koakuma emphasized. "Who else could I be talking to?"

I hold up my left hand and begin clapping it open and closed. I point at it with my other hand. "...Him?"

Koakuma shook her head. "...Just follow me."

Good enough for me!

Koakuma quickly weaves us through the shelves to Patchouli's study. That was easy!

I wave at her. "Hello, magical friend."

Patchouli looks up from her book at me. "I have a task to request of you."

Oh, boy! A chance to raise my relationship points, yo! "Sure, magical friend."

"I need more books back from Marisa." she requests again.

"Again?" I've already done that! She hardly even has a house to store things in anymore!

"...You see, she recently stopped by and swindled me of some unneeded, but still valuable books regardless. I would like you to retrieve them, for me." Patchouli explains. "It's only fair, since I _was_ the one who lended Remi's hammerspace bag to you. Remember?"

Graa~h… "And then I actually completed the task you had set out for me, in record time. And then I beat the shit out of a bunch of fairies." I think we're even enough!

"...So what you're saying is that you're not grateful for the supplies I've generously loaned to you?" Patchouli tries to stare me down.

"What I'm sayin' is you's actin' like a bitch!" Damn straight, me!

Her eyes widen, then she glares at me. "What did you just call me?"

I hold my hands up. "Look, I appreciate the stuff, but didn't I already do some favors? Besides, I've got a couple feelings as to how this whole 'steal books from Marisa' thing is going to go, and none of them end pretty. Can't you just send me out to find reagents or something?" I say that knowing full and well that I'd have no freakin' idea how to find any of them.

Besides, I'm sure Marisa'd either be prepared for me, or prepared to hunt me down better. She knows I'd be out to snag her books this time around.

"... _Fine_." Patchouli gives an exaggerated sigh. "To think I thought such a human remotely humble."

I shrug. "Look, yo-"

She raises from her chair. "No, _you_ listen to _me_ , child. I need this job done, and I need it done right. I don't care what selfish reasons you have for declining my offer, but it seems I'll have to persuade you through more drastic measures."

Patchouli aims her hand downward from her book, and sprays ice over my legs before I can react in time.

"Oh, shit!" They're stuck to the floor! Curse you, common binding tropes! 

"I'll _make_ you help me." Patchouli stared down at me as she floated into the air.

I rolled my eyes. "Baah, what're you gonna do? Cripple me? Kill me? Trap me in a bed again? All of these have consequences that you might find undesirable, Patchy!" I called her her nickname just to be a tosser!

...Also, I'd like the whole bed-trapping thing again, just don't get Koakuma involved. She's a man-eater, yo!

"...No, I'll just be annoying right back." Patchouli retorted. "Koakuma!"

Koakuma's eyes lit up from the sidelines. "Ye~s, mistress!?"

...What did I say about getting Koakuma involved? Baah…

Patchouli smirks at me. "...What's your final offer? Assist me, or you'll belong to my familiar from now on."

You say 'from now on' but you know she'd swallow my soul on night one. No thanks!

By the way, I just realized my arms weren't binded and I have access to my sack. Damn, am I a tool?

I slowly make for it… actually, no. I'll hold up a moment. "...C-can I think this one through?"

Patchouli giggles. "Heheh… Go ahead. I have all day, Brad…" With that, she brings her book back up and begins staring at it. She's still got her eyes on me, so…

...now we play the waiting game…

…

…

…

"Make up your mind already!" Koakuma barked into my ear suddenly. I flinched, but didn't react otherwise, still staring at Patchouli who was growing increasingly bored keeping an eye on me.

…

…

…

Patchouli slowly floated back down, and sat at her desk. Our eyes never left each other.

…

…

…

"I'll make it worth your while…" Koakuma whispers into my ear, caressing my torso with her arm. As fun as this is, I refuse to take my eyes off that purple-haired slavedriver!

…

…

…

"...I can wait." Patchouli reiterates, now revealing that she was infact looking at me, even though I could clearly see it.

…

…

…

"I've got all day." Patchouli starts reading her book for realsies, still shooting glances over at me.

…

…

…

"...Koakuma, could you fetch me a drink?" Patchouli orders her familiar.

Koakuma jerks her head to look at her. "W-what? But mistress-"

"It's obviously going to take a while, Koakuma. Just leave him be."

…

"Fi~ne… What do you want?" Koakuma's comfortable hands instantly ripped themselves from my body, leaving me cold and alone, yo. At least her eyes aren't on my sack!... both of them, for that matter!

Freakin' succubi, dude.

"...Some tea would be nice." Patchouli decided.

Koakuma sighed. "I'll go hunt down Sakuya, then…"

With that, she was gone.

…

…

…

"I know how determined a human can be. That's not a quality exclusive to fools, you know." Patchouli idly comments towards me from her desk.

As she's doing this, I begin reaching for the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber…

"Trust me. You may think yourself capable… but I've waited far longer than you have." Patchouli smirks into her book. "You must think yourself intelligent. It irks me."

Didn't we have some sort of talk a millennium ago about human vs. youkai qualities? From what I know, magi aren't all _that_ different from humans… just a lot freakin' smarter and get to shoot fire and shit, basically.

Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber in one hand and Market Gardener in the other, I was about to show Patchy how situational and impractical this loadout really was.

"I don't think you're smart. By human standards, you're probably alright. You shouldn't judge youkai by human standards, you see. It simply does not make sense." Patchouli flipped a page.

"To think yourself as highly as you do… do you not know who it is you talk to?" Patchouli grimaces into her book. "Or do you simply devalue others when you compare them to yourself?"

I understand the people I talk to are not always human…

...but they, too, must understand that I'm not a youkai!

...Besides, Patchouli was makin' it sound like I was some sorta megalomaniac… and I might be a little, but c'mon, I'm not a bad dude!

"Still, even with what I've said…" She looks over at me. "It's not unlike that… you…"

...Shit's 'bout to hit the fan!

I duck, possible because only my ankles and lower things are really frozen. What I'm tryin'a say is my knees can bend!

I strike the ground under my legs-

Boom!

-and blast myself into the air!

"M-mukyuu~!" Patchouli shot from her desk and into the air with me, charging magic in her hands.

In her confusion, she only flew straight up, while I flew slowly closer to her.

It was in this brief moment that I knew how to land my Market Garden on her.

"W-what…"

Nearing her before she gathered her wits, I slammed her in the side of the torso with my Market Gardener.

Smaaaa~sh! One hundred ninety five dama~ge!

"Uuhuh!" Patchouli wheezed violently, now slowly descending towards the top of one of the bookshelves.

...And I was falling! Oh, shi~-

Thud! I landed on my side.

…

Ouuuch! Fuck, dude…

Patchouli successfully landed on the top of a bookshelf… and fell.

"A-a...ah…" she breathed, descending.

Oof!

She landed on me… which _sucked_ , because I was still _lying on my side_! Aarrgh!

…

I felt her breathing, so that was good, I guess.

…

Koakuma's back! Yaa~y…?

"Mistress, I've-... of course she isn't here…" Koakuma mutters, stomping up to the desk. "Don't come crying to me when it gets cold."

She didn't see us because we were too far behind desks and tables and shit. Help, no.

Patchouli opens her mouth, but no words come out.

"...I guess I'll go look for her then…" Koakuma sighs, wandering off. "Mistress~! Mi~stress!"

…

Yeah, I think now's a good time to end the chapter as any. We're both lying on the floor in pain, and while I could get up, I think I'd like to take a moment to catch my breath…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 23

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes due to an upgrade. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. After an enchanted sunflower was tacked on, it gained the ability to allow casting of Gaia Seed.

INVENTORY:

Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Due to a dark amulet upgrade, it may be used to cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. Has a very situational instant-death dealing condition that, let's be honest, I probably couldn't fulfil; it's just there for world building. Help no.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives that I mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out...

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

hello, magical friends. . w .

i've been slower than usual, but i'm still MAKIN' BACON, as it were.

market gardener is something i've wanted to add since like, chapter five. IT TOOK AWHILE, DIDN'IT?

in any case, fun times

made some fun things occur!

…

yeah i always draw a blank when talking to you guys… i need to take notes or something . w '

as always, see you all next time!


	27. Diddly Done Goin' Ghost

(in which we get grabbed by the ghoulies, yo!)

Slowly rising from the floor with Patchouli in my arms, I look around the library.

"...Aa~h…" I stretch as best I can while holding her. She's not particularly heavy!

...Still uncomfortably heavy, but not as implausible as me holding most people!

"...Y-you…" Patchouli wheezes out, glaring at me.

I smile back. "Hey, I broke your fall, fluffy. Gimme a hug." I hold Patchouli close and snuggle up against her. "...Ooo~! You're so so~ft!"

She smelled nice, too!

...

I pull away from her, and if looks could kill, I think she would have inflicted instant death on me. Now I'm guilty, even if she was going to force me into a life of being a succubus' cattle!

"...Let's get you patched up, yo… no pun intended." I look around. "...Maybe Sakuya'd be helpful, wherever the hell she is. Sakuya! Sakuya~!"

There's no response. Sad face.

Patchouli's eyes widen and she looks somewhere behind me.

"...Well, I'm sure I can find you something. Are there any healing-elemental fairies? How the hell do healing spells work, anyway? Is healing an element?" I'm confused.

Patchouli lethargically turns her head at me to glare again.

I've got no idea what healing potions or mana potions are in my sack, but the author's going to assume there's none and thus there is none. The author should have really kept track of that sort of thing!

…

A mailbox falls in from above and lands on my head.

Bo~ng!

"Auh- shit!" I wanna clutch my head! I wanna clutch my head!...

… but I _couldn't_ 'cause I was holding the cuddle mage!

Patchouli smiles at my miniature catastrophe. Freakin'...

"...B-behind…" Patchouli breathes out.

...I could make a joke about how her behind is, but to be honest these robes pretty much leave everything to the imagination. They're like walking around with blankets on. Freakin' fluffy.

...Oh, yeah. Patchouli wanted me to look behind.

I turned around and saw nothing.

I look at her expectantly.

"...I-idiot…" Cue glare!

"Look-" I begin, shaking my head. "You're cuddly."

Her glare doesn't falter.

Patchouli begins looking around hastily.

I start looking around too, kinda weirded out by how Patchy's acting. "So, uhm… what's uh, what's the big deal here? Spooky scary skeletons?"

…

A chair is flung from Patchouli's desk and slides across the room.

I jump exaggeratedly. "Oh, shit! Gooses on the looses, son!" I jerk my head towards Patchouli. "We gotta get outta here! We gotta go, yo! Go on the down low!"

I run behind a bookshelf and crouch, propping the magi up against said bookshelf. I examine Patchouli's tired face. If she could talk well at the moment, I'm sure she'd be saying 'I'm done with this shit' or something similar.

"Look, Patchy… we gotta start a new life, gotta change our names-"

The door to the library shoots open. "I'm back, ze~!"

My eyes widen and I grab Patchouli by the shoulders. "Doncha get it!? The bounty hunters are coming yo! We. Are. Screwed!"

Patchouli's arms slowly raise towards my face.

"...You goin' for a kiss, or uh-"

Her hands weakly clamp around my neck.

"Hey, hey- no, yo! Everything else in the library will gladly do that free of charge! I don't need you to impose the tax upon me!" I twist my neck around, breaking the grip her weak hands had.

I stand up and step around a little, walking back into the central area where Patchy's study desk was.

"The death tax…" I smugly clarify, grinning at nothing in particular.

Looking at Patchouli's desk again, some random crap was floating for no reason, encased in telekinetic auras.

…

Patchouli's eyes shot open at them. "W-what…"

I tilted my head. "We're not alone, yo…!"

Marisa caught up to us. "Hehee~y, Pat...chy…?"

She does a double take, looking at the magician held in my arms.

"P-Patchy!?" Marisa's jaw drops.

"...Hi, friend." I admit, I forgot Marisa just barged in while I was in the midst of being a weirdo.

"...W-what're you doing to Patchy!?" Marisa points her Mini-Hakkero at me. Damn, she assumed I was an assaulter instead of a lover! This went from awkward for her to awkward for me!

"She was injured in the line of duty!" I argue. "I was bringing her to the field medic for operating!"

"O-operating!?" Marisa's jaw dropped, again. "What the hell did you do!?"

That, again, was the opposite of what I intended. Charging at me, she quickly swept Patchouli from my arms.

"There! You're safe, now, Patchy. He won't hurt you any more…" She looked down at Patchouli…

...and Patchouli just glared at her, still pissed.

"...Hey, look, I-I woulda came sooner if-if…"

Laughter that belongs to neither me nor Marisa emanates in the room. I look around, but I can't quite place where it's coming from…

"...What the _blazes_ is that?" I question aloud, looking dumbfounded, looking around.

Marisa glares down at me. "I bet you know!" She aims her mini-hakkero at me, again.

I hold my arms up. "Quit lookin' for excuses to beat the shit outta me!"

"No! You touched Patchy inappropriately!" Marisa's glare deepens.

I sigh. "Look- you're half right, but-"

"Wha~t!?" Marisa didn't expect that! "Y-You… pervert!"

The mini-hakkero is pointed at me again. "That's it! Die!"

Jesus, Marisa! Take a chill pill!

Shit- what do I do? My recent spell!

I start generating blocks at light speed… which end up giving me a stack of blocks.

"Jesus- fuck!" I exclaim, clattering produced as the blocks all fall down on me, some hitting me in the face.

"Love Sign! Master Spa~rk!"

...That's gonna knock me into next week. I'm gonna wake up, look at the calendar, and it's gonna be literally a week from this second. Shit.

I brace myself and close my eyes as the laser begins to fire!

"PSI Magnega!"

Vrrrrr~!

...I'm protected by a magnetic shield!

I open my eyes to see Mima in front of me, grinning as the spark is absorbed by the shield.

~rrrrrr-r-r…

The spark begins to die down, because Marisa realized she was slowly getting pulled towards the magnet shield.

The magnet shield cuts out, and Marisa is once again shocked.

"M-Mima!?"

Mima smirked up at her. "What the hell was that? If some homebrew absorption spell of mine can completely overwhelm a spark, you're just not doing it right!"

Patchouli looks rattled by the spark. She needs a hug…!

Marisa quickly hovers down and hops off her broom, making her way towards Mima. "W-what are you doing here!? I-I thought Reimu sealed you for good, ze…"

Mima laughs. "You honestly think any sort of seal can keep me away? Hahaha~h!"

Stepping back a bit, Marisa blinks. "No way…!"

Floating into the air, Mima folds her arms and stares down at Marisa. "How about a go? Just to see how far you've come, hmm?"

Marisa looks down into her arms; she's still holding Patchy. "...Uhh…"

Mima rolls her eyes. "Just give her to that guy, or something."

"What?" Marisa jerks her head back, "No." and then shakes it vehemently.

I hold open my arms. "Give me the magical friend."

"No!"

I try to walk towards Marisa, but she surprises me with a very dexterous kick to my torso, forcing me to fall on my bum.

"Oof!" Where the hell did that come from!? "I thought you were a magician, not a gymnast…!" I shout from the floor, as I begin standing again.

"Back off, ze…" Marisa glares at me, slowly strafing around me.

"I don't have all day!" Mima yells down at us. "Just put the purple potato down and let's go!"

Marisa looks conflicted. "B-but…"

"Uugh!" Frustrated, Mima quickly hovers down to Marisa and rips Patchouli from her arms.

"W-wait!" Marisa tries to grapple Mima, only for her arms to go through her 'cause she's a fookin' ghostie.

Mima floats over to me, and plants Patchouli in my arms. "Here. Keep it for all I care."

Patchouli glares at Mima, apparently not caring for that comment.

...Soft and cuddly like mashed potatoes, yo. Must resist urge to hug…!

Marisa looked conflicted. "...W-well, alright… If Brad harasses her even once, though-..."

She glances at me again, and I'm already holding Patchouli as if she were a lovable fluffle. "Hug."

"Alright, come here." Marisa marches towards me.

"Holy shit…" Mima holds her forehead. "Was Gensokyo always this inconvenient?"

I begin advancing in the opposite direction as Marisa slowly gains steam. "...Calm down, magical friend!"

"Make me." Marisa stubbornly continues marching.

"Alright, look, whatever, this'll just be a free for all or something, then. Ready? Go!"

Mima vanished.

Marisa glanced at her, but once she was gone she broke in a full sprint towards me.

"Oh, shit!"

I began sprinting, too!

...but low and behold, I wasn't very good at it, especially not while holding a cuddle mage.

Marisa nears me and begins grabbing the back of my robes.

"Yo, no! Bad touch!" I flail one of my arms back to little avail.

Mima appears from the floor ahead of us. "How-"

She shoots an orb into the air above us, and a small jolt strikes Marisa. "Ah!"

"-about-"

A small magical ball nears me, and explodes into sparkles, nearly knocking me over. "Woah!"

"-this!?"

Finally, a dark orb appears above us, and it slowly expands as it moves downward. Once it's fully realized, Marisa and I are pinned to the floor by gravity.

"This one may leave a mark…!"

Marisa's eyes widened, and she called her broom over to aid her off the floor.

I pull out Swift Brand and try clawing the floor. Yeah, that's not goin' so well!

Mima claps her hands, and they begin glowing.

Marisa's broom sweeps her off the floor, and then it doubles back. Is it coming for me?

As it swoops down, Marisa uses her somewhat wonky, gravity mangled arm to latch onto Patchouli's robes and pull her to safety.

...Nah, it was just coming for Patchy.

Mima gives a half smirk as she aims her hands towards the mobile target.

Vrrrrr~!

A bright yellow spark trails after Marisa, the walls of the library eating the laser's impact. Unfortunately, it didn't catch up with Marisa.

"H-hah…!" Patchouli was sad.

"Not bad… I figured you could worm your way out of that one. Besides, the spells I threw were just firecrackers."

She closes and opens her hands, and a barrage of homing fireballs bloom from then and rocket towards Marisa.

"H-holy…"

Marisa does aerial gymnastics to avoid the hazardous flame barrage. One does strike the bottom of her broom, lighting it on fire.

"U-uh oh…"

Raising from the floor as the gravity spell wore off, I brandished Flame Salvo and slowly made my way towards Mima, who was near enough to the floor for me to get an idea…

She snaps her fingers. "Thundaga Rain!"

Sounds like fun.

Thwaaa~sh!

A mighty lightning bolt struck to the right of Marisa. When it struck the bookshelf below, it exploded.

"..." Patchouli was fuming.

Thwaaaa~sh!

While this was going on, I was getting pretty close to Mima, approaching her from the side…

Thwaaa~sh!

"Here we go, yo! The big 'ol crash, boom, bang attack!"

I toss the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber at her in the event explosions actually do anything. Then, I point Flame Salvo at her and let loose.

Fwooom…!

Flames lick Mima's clothing, and she actually starts burning…!

…

She turns to me, unamused. She's burning, but while the fire's spreading, it's not actually damaging her or her clothes, it's just uh… there.

"...This tickles."

I snort.

Boom!...

...I may have missed Mima by like, miles when I tossed that hanger at her. I kinda forgot about the 'incorporeal' thing and threw it _through_ her...

"...Was that the intended effect, or are you just a crappy mage?" Mima asks me.

Thwaaa~sh! Marisa was still dodging lightning bolts.

I shrug. "I dunno, yo. I figured indirect or magical attacks were the way to go."

Mima grins. "...But I'm a mage."

I point at her. "You're also a ghost."

She rolls her eyes. "Use _holy_ spells then. Come on, this isn't rocket science."

I pull out the holy hanger.

"...Nevermind, you're screwed." Mima shakes her head. "Well, nice knowing you."

Putting away the holy hanger, I begin running. Mima quickly extinguishes the flames on her with magic. Not only that, but she then creates a shield of wind around herself and slowly floats towards me.

Thwaaa~sh! Marisa was still doing figure eights around the library, now properly riding her broom because the gravity spell's effects are long gone.

Running between shelves, I look behind me as Mima slowly approaches me, slowly gaining speed as the aero shield around her throws books off the shelves.

I weave towards different shelves, and begin to double back to where I threw the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber. That hanger was too useful to just leave there!

...After awhile, I had thought I got pretty far ahead of Mima, only to see her pass me; she was going the opposite direction down a path I previously took.

"...Hello, friend!" I resumed my jog run.

Mima laughs. "You can't run forever, you know. If you were smarter, I'm sure you would have found a way to at least affect me by now."

Status aliments don't work, and you're fluffy. I dunno 'bout you, but I don't think there is much I can do here.

After a brief jog accompanied by the wind I felt behind me again, I reached the Bawmber.

Thwaaa~sh!

I look overhead as a lightning bolt strikes a nearby book shelf, pages flying everywhere. Marisa zooms by, Patchouli now on the back of her broom.

"Hold on tight, ze! Forecasts predict scattered lighting strikes!"

I wonder…

...I don't really have time to wonder!

Mima rounds a corner nearby, surprising me. She wasn't coming from that direction!

"He~y!" Mima smirks, knowing I was surprised.

Quick, knee-jerk reaction time! I tossed the Bawmber at her wind shield.

Boom!

Mima blinked as her shield wobbled, but reformed. The hanger flew back towards me, so I caught it on the rebound and tossed it again.

Boom!

She grimaced as the shield took another blast.

Blam!

The hanger hit the floor.

"...Really? Alright, I guess I gotta spice this up, then… Aero Seekers!"

Orbs of wind shot out from her, and started traveling along the floor. As useless as that sounds, I can't fly, so it's actually effective against me!

"Hey, hey-heyhey!" I shout at the homing wind orbs as they home in on me.

Mima shakes her head. " _Now_ I'm satisfied."

Picking up my hanger from the floor, I look at Marisa as she soars overhead.

Thwaaa~sh!

Hoooh, shit! That was too close for comfort here, too!

"Can't hit me, ze! This is starting to get boring!"

This battle was going freakin' nowhere fast. Mima refused to outright curbstomp me and was instead just playing with me, and Marisa was given a tricky passive spell to keep her busy, which I assume… was to let Mima fuck with me for some reason. I dunno.

I wonder how Mima'd react if I shot Marisa out of the sky, though?

I grin.

Mima's still half-heartedly launching seeking wind orbs, grinning at me back. "Got an idea, boy? Let me tell you now, that this shield of mine is practically invincible to you!"

"But not to me!" Marisa exclaims. "Love Sign-"

Thwaaa~sh!

"Oh, shit!" Marisa barrel rolls out of the way. Patchy hangs on, but glares at Marisa after the maneuver.

"Don't do that again…" Patchouli quietly demands of Marisa, her voice returning.

"S-sorry, ze…"

Sorry about this, magical friends, but I'm gonna have to bust up your broom!

Holding the Bawmber and negotiating my way around the wind orbs, I make my way towards Marisa, who was now less mobile than before. Marisa had stopped actively evading the thunder strikes since they seemed to mostly just strike randomly around her, and was now trying to find a moment to cast a Master Spark.

I adjust myself, position myself along the floor, and…

Blam!

Hoohooho~ly shit!

Soaring through the air, I totally missed Marisa. Like, not even close. I don't know where the hell that jump was going, but uh…

I flop over on a shelf. "A-aaaahh…!"

Fucking ouch. Shit, man. Geez!

...Okay, I'm cool now. If you think I'm swearing excessively, _you_ try jumping on explosions. Actually, don't. I don't wanna be responsible for all the gibbings that would ensue.

Forcing myself to stand up, Marisa's still-

Thwaaa~sh!

...Now she's in a slightly different spot, but still.

I even forgot to pull out the Market Gardener last time, so even if I did get close, I'd be screwed. That'd be even more frustrating.

As such, I actually pull it out now.

Oka~y… Second verse, same as the first!

Blam!

Ouuu~ch! Aaugh!

I struggle to keep my vision on Marisa as my eyes tear up a little, but as I pass her…

Smaaa~sh!

I jab her in the side with the Market Gardener, taking great care not to hit Patchy.

One hundred and ninety five points worth of plant hanger-induced _de~struction_!

"A-aaaaa~h!" Marisa lets out a shrill scream, before being blown right off her broom, spiraling towards the floor.

"M-mukyuu~!" Patchouli flails wildly as the broom twirls away, leaving her to fall for a moment, before she stops herself magically.

Marisa ends up falling into one of those wind orbs that were coming for me.

Woo-woo-woo-woosh!

"Hyaah!" Marisa yelped in surprise, now spiraling upward into the air…

...before reaching the apex of her ascent, still stuck in the 'falling hopelessly' posture.

Thud! Marisa hit the floor hard, but not that hard. I mean, that wind orb pretty much changed that fall from 'lethal' to 'debatably not lethal'

"...O-ouch…" Marisa shut her eyes, and shut her fists tightly.

Patchouli floated down to the floor to meet with her. "...Know my pain."

Marisa's eyes began watering. "I-it hurts…"

While this was happening, I tried to hijack her broom. It didn't go well, and I ended up slipping off, so uh…

I've been doing wa~y too much falling for one lifetime… I was now falling at an angle, and I'm pretty sure I'd break something if I hit the floor.

I had an idea, though…

Nearing the side of a shelf, I struck it with the Bawmber.

Kaboom!

Books and wood parts flew from the shelf, pages ripped and charred. I slid into the floor, my energy now diverted in a different way. I wasn't going to die, for one thing, but now I had rea~lly bad carpet rash…

By the time I actually focused on my eyes, I realized I had been crying from the pain, but that was kinda the least of my worries.

"Ho-hoh, shit, man…" I hoarsely stated. Man, I hate when crying does that to your voice.

I looked around for Mima, but couldn't see her from this position in the shelves. Please, no.

...Call it fridge logic, but where the hell was Koakuma? Wasn't she looking for Patchouli? Surely she heard the shitstorm going on down here. She probably just doesn't want any part of it.

Thwaaa~sh!

The lightning's still tracking Marisa, apparently, which is unfortunate because I'm pretty sure I neutralized her. Regardless, I can track her location based on the lightning strikes.

I move towards the strikes, and eventually find Marisa lying on the floor. She looks sad.

"..." Marisa's staring at the ceiling.

I walk up to her, and she looks at me, not moving her head.

"...Fucker."

I wave my hand at her. "Hi."

I look in her hands and see nothing. Looking around, I spot the mini-hakkero. "...Fun."

Casually walking towards it, I pick it up.

Marisa watches me pick up her weapon of choice. "H-hey! Don't you…"

I look over to her, and put my finger to my lips.

"Shhh…" I loudly shush her. "I'm huntin' memes, yo."

Marisa glares at me, but nothing more.

I hear the wind whip around a bit as those orbs still circulate around the library. Mima had to be somewhere nearby, because it seems like those orbs didn't travel too far from her…

Tensely staying positioned near the irritated Marisa, I look around. I notice Patchouli seems to have made herself scarce for the moment, 'cause she wasn't anywhere around the fallen witch.

...I'm forced to start tap dancing 'cause the orbs are all finding me.

"This is mildly inconvenient!" I complain, dancing around as the orbs of wind follow me as I run in a circle around Marisa. The orbs seem to be ignoring her for now. Hmm.

...Freakin' wind, yo.

A Mima popped out! Waugh! "...I had this funny feeling you'd still be standing after that. Running won't do you much good, though, you know. I'm going easy right now." I know that, yo!

Alright, I had Marisa's mini-hakkero, and nowhere near the amount of mana required to properly use it.

Keyword: _properly_ use it. Screw the rules!... I have… a disinterest in rules…?

…

I don't have money, mana, luck, or much physical prowess, but at least I'm original!

Aiming the mini-hakkero at Mima, I begin channeling my mana into it. Oh, yes. I'm gonna try to Master Spark Mima myself. Try saying that five times fast!

"Lovable Sign…" I'm saying this for effect. I don't actually have any spell cards. Hyonk.

Mima's face lights up. "Ooo~h? Ohh, ho ho ho! This ought to be good…!"

"...Huggable Spa~rk!"

Mana drain, goo~!

…!

…!

I feel like shi~t!

…!

"...Pff-pfftt…!" Mima can hardly contain her amusement at my attempt.

Auuugh! C'mon, dammit! Work! Mana, do not fail me now! I know I have enough by now to do something! _Anything_!

…!

"A~hahahah!" Mima reels back in laughter. "A~hhh...hahahah!"

Hnnnngh…!

…!

 **Maximum… o~verdri~ve**!

Cho~!

"Hahaha-ooh!?" Mima quickly moved to the right, her wind shield being pierced by a thin, cyan laser. It was pretty much a regular danmaku laser, for all intents and purposes.

All systems go, doc! All systems go~!

…

I dropped to my knees as the laser ended as quickly as it began, my energy reserves depleted for the day. The mini-hakkero made a dull thunking noise as it fell onto the carpet, and I fell onto my stomach.

"Guh…"

...At the very least... I broke Mima's wind shield. Now her insurance rates... will skyrocket…!

...H-hey, my vision's going black. Is this a mana-induced… black out? I don't faint often… so this experience… is new to me…

…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: MARISA'S PERSPECTIVE ====

"Lovable Sign…"

Did that asshole just do what I think he did!?

"Huggable Spa~rk!"

…

"...Pff-pfftt…!" Oh. Mima seems happy.

…

"A~hahahah!" Mima reels back in laughter. "A~hhh...hahahah!"

He… never really was a magician, was he? He was just some guy, after all. Look at me, getting all worked up over this kid, ze.

I still want it back soon, thou-

Cho~!

 _What._

"Hahaha-ooh!?" Mima quickly moved to the right, her shield of wind broken by a cyan danmaku laser.

I mean, on the upside, it wasn't a spark but…

Whatever. I guess any old villager could do something like that if they had the mini-hakkero, too.

Brad dropped to his knees, and the mini-hakkero fell to the floor. I heard it, even if I couldn't really move. I _still_ don't know what the hell he did, but he did a number on me, ze.

Yeah, my monologue has my verbal tic, too. Deal with it, da ze.

"Guh…" Brad groaned as he hit the floor.

...I'm already reminded of my old sessions with teach. The only difference between then and now is that _some random asshole_ was the one to render me immobile and in pain instead… and here I thought I had the skills to finally be on par.

Damn it.

I must look silly, crying like this.

At first it was because _sweet youkai jesus this hurts_

But now…

…

"...Well, that happened." Mima nodded at Brad's body. Snapping her fingers, the wind orbs ceased, and I assume the thunder wasn't gonna happen anymore either.

… I continued to stare at the ceiling. Eventually, Mima leaned over me.

"...That was underwhelming. Are you sure you didn't go off and write sappy poetry like I joked you would? Not only did you manage to do absolutely nothing but fly around, you also got hit- and taken down, mind you- by one of the least threatening things in this entire library. Well, outside of that succubus I sensed, but those things are malicious in their own ways."

I didn't even cast anything! "...I-I was just…"

"Getting your ass handed to you by what might aswell have been a fairy bystander. Ri~ght." Mima sighed. "...I've gotta say, I'm honestly disappointed."

Seriously?

"..." Shaking her head, Mima began drifting off.

"...I take it that the conflict has been settled?" I hear Patchy's voice not too far away.

"Yeah. You could say that." Mima replies with that 'I don't wanna be here' sort of bored tone.

"...I see."

…

…

C'mo~n, somebody do something already… If I'm gonna be paralyzed like this for awhile, at least give me a comfy bed… or something…

Guys…?

…

"Do you know Marisa?" Mima suddenly asks aloud.

"...I'd say more so 'begrudging acquaintance', if anything." Patchy answered.

Mima nodded. "...Alright. You ever fight her? I can tell you're a magician worth your salt, at least… I mean, you _are_ a magi after all. It'd be a little weird if you were a youkai magician who couldn't work any magic."

Patchy hummed in contemplation. "Mmm… Yes, we've contested before."

"Good, good…" Mima looked away casually, as if this conversation were natural at this point. I means seriously, she's talking as if I wasn't even here. Not cool, ze.

If you're wondering how I'm seeing them, it's because I can still look up, which, from my perspective, is behind me. It's a little weird looking, but it works.

"So, how terrible of a magician is she? Flopped spells? Progress? What elements does she dabble in?" Mima had pretty much abandoned subtlety at this point.

Patchouli took a deep breath. "Well, to begin with, she's extraordinarily disorganized, and her work ethic is chaotic and inconsistent. She's petty at times and foolish at others, and annoying to a troublesome point on numerous occasions. Additionally, she's a thief."

Mima nodded, despite being guilty of numerous of the above herself. "I see, I see… What do you have to say of her, then? Is she even worth being called a magician?"

Patchouli rose an eyebrow. "As much as I hate to admit it, yes."

Mima smiled. "I thought as- say what now?" She took a double take.

Patchy…?

"I definitely wouldn't describe her spells as mediocre in any way. She's quite flashy in the way she does spells, which, while obnoxious, I honestly cannot fault. She doesn't seem to dabble in any particular elements, but I wouldn't say that is because she's unable… I don't know for certain why she doesn't. If she 'flopped' any spells, I wouldn't know, because I do not associate myself heavily with her personal affairs. I also don't see how failing to perform a spell is as negative as you imply. Failing is all a part of learning."

Finishing her paragraph, Patchouli took a deep breath again.

"...I didn't see any of what you said in the last fight." Mima furrowed her brows. "Also, non-elemental? Who the hell specializes in non-elemental?"

"Non-elemental magicians." Patchouli deadpans.

"...Magicians like that are more utility based than I like, and that's definitely _not_ what I taught her." Mima huffed.

Patchouli blinks. "...Marisa? Utilitarian? I am unsure if we're talking about the same person."

Mima glares at Patchouli. "Ah, shut it. This is why I don't like other magi, _especially_ the youkai ones…"

Patchouli pauses. "...And what is _that_ supposed to mean?"

Mima groaned. "Okay, look- forget I said anything, sweetie. I don't really need your opinion anymore."

"...Fine. I'd like to ask you to leave, however. You've made quite a disturbance here, and I'd like to return to some form of peace and quiet." Patchouli tiredly stared down Mima.

Mima lowered her eyes at Patchouli. "...Hah. Can you even sense my mana right now? Do you know what you're getting yourself into?"

Patchy, don't!

"...If there's one thing I've learned, trivial numbers like those don't mean very much with so many other variables involved." Patchouli retorts.

She floats into the air. "I have to defend my living space, after all. I won't be the only one, however. Countless others live here, and you'd no doubt start a scene with a fight of this magnitude."

"I don't really care."

"Remilia will." Patchouli cautioned her.

"Pfft. Look, I'm a mage, not a babysitter." Mima grinned.

"...Once you defeat her, Reimu will be able to tell."

…

"Bullshit." Mima's grin faltered for a moment, but became confident again.

"Either from the light show you'll create or by Yakumo's actions, things will become quite troublesome for you, spirit." Patchouli's face was neutral throughout. "It's not often someone can do something big around here without someone snooping around. I'm pretty sure that man-" Patchouli points to Brad. "-is living evidence, if such a point even needed evidence to be proven."

"...Yakumo? You think she'd really give a shit?" Mima's grin held. "...I was originally just gonna stick around and see if you were a magician worth your salt, but now I think I'm gonna take this library. I could learn a lot from the books here, you know."

...This escalated quickly, ze…

"It's your loss if this goes south, then." Patchouli sighs. "Water Sign... Jellyfish Princess!"

Patchouli was shielded by a bubble of water.

Mima grinned. "Big mistake."

Raising her hands, her eyes suddenly shot sharply to the right.

Woosh!

...Mima caught a silver knife with one hand.

"...I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave."

Sakuya appears from absolutely nowhere. I can't really see where she is, but she's probably near Patchy.

Mima narrowed her eyes. "Ahh~... you're that time stopper I saw earlier. I guess this means I'm getting unwanted attention already. I suppose I'll have to call this quits for now. Still, this is a nice place." With that, Mima descends into the floor of the manor, presumably retreating under the Earth just far enough for her to leave the manor entirely.

...Teach sure is an ass when she wants to be.

"...Sakuya, bring the hooligans to some beds. We'll need them in proper condition tomorrow. Infact, I might see myself to bed, too. Today has been long."

"Very well, Lady Patchouli." Sakuya bowed.

Finally.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

A~hhh… Soft, professionally prepared beds…

...I'm finding myself in them too often, but at this moment, I can't really complain!

I was still lying on my stomach, but I was under some covers now… and still in my robes. That kinda detracted from the experience. The bad part is that only _some_ of these rooms had clocks, and outside of that I had _no_ freakin' clue what time it was, so I couldn't judge whether sleeping in's a good idea or not.

I begin to raise from the bed, feeling something of considerable but not unbearable weight on my back.

"...Maaa~u…" I woke up Ha-chan! She apparently was alive, again!

...You know what? I don't care what time it is. I'm just gonna sleep in with Ha-chan. If anyone needs me, they can come get-

Bam! "Rise and shine, da ze!"

-me…

Shieut.

I feel Ha-chan shift on my back. Unfortunately she was using me more like a mattress than a pillow, probably because these freakin' robes got in the way.

Marisa marched over to my bedside, and looked down at me.

"...I said get up!" Marisa shook the bed, which was actually more courteous than Sakuya had been.

"Please, no." I requested.

"...Alright." Marisa relented.

Wait, really?

…

That's fine by-

Wha-!?

Thud.

…

Marisa had, infact, flipped the bed and slid Ha-chan and I off.

"...Aawwh…" Ha-chan protested, being roused into the land of the living by Marisa's shenaniganry.

"You awake yet, ze!?" Stop shouting, you freakin' loon!

I sit up, rubbing my eyes. "...Jesus Christ."

Time to begin another fun, life-endangering day of Gensokyian antics!

"Yeah, yeah. Come on out when you're ready- and no going back to bed, either!" Marisa instructed me, leaving the door open behind her as she scurried out of the room.

Ha-chan sat up too, blinking at me. "...What was that about…?"

I tilted my head. "Fluffstuffs."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Leaving the room, Marisa was standing right outside, talking with Sakuya.

Marisa looked over to me. "...Damn." She proceeded to hand a couple coins to a smug Sakuya.

"Hello, friends. I am ready to begin my journey." I slowly widen my eyes like some deranged lunatic as I say this.

Marisa blinks. "What? No, listen- Patchy wants us in the library to talk about what happened last night."

She's awake already? I wonder if she's having those waffles… "Alright, yo."

Marisa grins. "...Well, she's not actually awake yet, you see. Koakuma relayed that message from last night, so uh…"

Ah.

Does that mean I get her waffles, instead?

...I look around awkwardly, because the discussion kinda died there. I didn't have anything to say!

"...So, about that time you stole our silverware…" Sakuya began, looking back and forth between Marisa and I.

"...Yeah, uhm…" Marisa scratches her head nervously.

"We had to start a fairy marching band to get them to stop clapping." I explained. "And then everyone died. It was tragic."

Sakuya nodded. "About what I expected, coming from you, at this point."

Marisa did a double take. "Wh-what!? I mean…"

"Marisa. Marisa." Sakuya shut Marisa up.

She questioningly glanced at Sakuya.

"Just… roll with it."

…

"...I guess?" Marisa was now even more confused.

Friends.

"...What will we do in the meantime, yo?" Google says 'meantime' is one word, so I'll roll with it.

A gap opened up over my head and a white grain started to get poured over me. I shielded myself and ran out of the way of it. "Fucking- Yukari!"

...I take some of it off my clothes and examine it. No real smell, so~... I give it a taste!...

...Salt. Yukari's salty, yo.

Ha-chan leaped out of the bedroom! "Hello!"

Sakuya pointed to the sea of salt on the floor. "Clean it up."

"...Awwwh…" Ha-chan pouted, slowly shambling away to get cleaning supplies.

…

"A~nyway…" Marisa began. "...I dunno." Smooth thinkin' Marisa!

"...Thanks for waking me up." I folded my arms. Why'd you even wake me!?

"Perhaps you can mull it over during breakfast." Sakuya segued us towards breakfast!

I clap my hands together. "I want the waffles this time!"

"Sure."

Ye~ah! You get the chicken nugget molotov this time, Patchy!

...If only.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Marisa fiddled with her pancakes while I freakin' wolfed down my waffles.

Remilia was seated at the far end of the table, eating a freakin' cake. I wouldn't eat a cake for breakfast, personally! Then again, I'm not the biggest fan of cake, ironically.

"...So that presence I felt… it was that spirit?" Remilia inquired.

"Mmmhmm…" Marisa hummed.

"Mmm…" Remilia went back to eating her cake.

…

There was also a fluffle sitting immobile in the middle of the table, playing jazz from its shell nose while staring into the aether. I dunno how or why, but apparently it and Remilia reached an agreement.

"Fluffnuggets." I decided, staring at my empty plate.

…

"Waaaal street." I stated. Fluffles are cuddly.

…

"Waaa~l street!"

…

"Waaaaa~l street…!"

"Be quiet. It's too late for this." Remilia sighed.

I looked out the window. But it's sunny out- ooh yeah, vampires are uh… nocturnal. Normally, anyway.

…Wait, cake before bed? Remilia, that's something I'd do. I give her a funny look, but she's too busy existing to notice.

...Also, when the hell did they rebuild this dining hall!? I didn't notice this my last run around! It looks super close to the last one, too…!

I start looking around the dining hall in silent awe.

Marisa takes notice of my head flailing as I observed everything. "...What are you even doing, ze…?"

"Moving to that sweet smooth jazz, yo." I started doing a little shuffle in my seat, snapping my fingers to the beat. Freakin' fluffles, dude.

...Marisa looks back to her plate, but begins bobbing her head to the jazz too.

"...I'm done." Marisa decides, her pancakes half finished.

Sakuya pops in from freakin' outer space to grab the plate, and then she vanishes again.

Marisa sits at her seat, her arms folded.

…

"...How the hell did you take me down so easily yesterday, ze?" Marisa pops an unexpected question to me while she stares at the table.

I turn to her. "...Define easily, yo. One of those attempts and I freakin' flew absolutely nowhere and just ended up hurting myself. Blast jumping's a different kind of hell, but it's a fun kind of hell, in a way."

"You took me out in a single swipe." Marisa retorted, turning at me to glare.

"All because of a very specifically enchanted and situational plant hanger!" I explained. I proceeded to take out the Market Gardener. "Deals critical hits while blast jumping!"

"...Critical hits?" Marisa tilts her head.

"They're critical." I was helpful.

…

"...Sure." Marisa shrugged.

"...I'm going to bed." Remilia gave us her sentiments. "Tired decisions make for tiring consequences."

With that, she lethargically got up and flew away. This makes me question a vampire's tolerance for sugar. I had _no_ idea how that worked.

Patchouli floated in through the regular entryway, her pajamas ruffled. "...Less elegant of a wake up than I'd prefer…"

She floated up to the table, and received waffles.

I glanced over to her. "You look snug today." Snug space…

"Too early." Patchouli dismisses me. "Try again later."

Daww…

I turn back to Marisa, and she's glaring at me. "...What're you trying to pull here?"

I dunno. "I dunno."

Marisa grabs my arm. "Bullshit. I-"

She pauses, noticing Patchouli staring at her curiously.

"...Look, we'll talk about this later." Marisa sighs.

That's gonna be fun!

Breakfast proceeded quietly!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Alright… about yesterday…" Patchouli began, seated at her study table.

"Pain." I started the discussion.

"Yes. Pain." Patchouli didn't have the energy to engage me right now.

…

"W-well… that ghost was a uh… mentor of mine, I guess…" Marisa was not comfortable. "...She's a bit of an ass."

"A bit." Patchouli nodded. "Just a little."

"Yeah. Just a little." Marisa gave a lopsided grin.

...Patchouli turns to me. "...I suppose I should apologize for that incident yesterday. I may have gotten a little carried away in venting my frustrations."

I shrugged. "It's all good, yo. I got to market garden the shit out of everyone." I even nearly accidentally'd my legs into my lungs a few times!

Patchouli nodded. "Not a becoming moment- for either of us."

"I still don't know how the hell you did that…" Marisa shook her head.

"Very carefully." I nod my head.

Marisa snorts, shaking her head more. "Haha~h…"

...A lot of my discussions have had these ginger, awkward silent moments! Why is that!?

Well, I'm gonna change that.

"...Faaa~ack." I made noise. Unfortunately, I was promptly ignored for more relevant discussion.

"...I suppose we should be keeping a watchful eye on that tutor of yours?" Patchouli let loose a yawn, which was more like a mighty mew.

I really freakin' need to hug something now.

"...Yeah, it'd be pretty bad not to." Marisa stated solemnly. She's been noticeably less hyper lately.

I looked around, a little unsatisfied. "...We gotta cheer up, yo."

Marisa scowled at me. "What now…?"

Patchouli vainly stared at me, saying nothing.

"...We gotta play some board games!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I dunno. I think it was a mistake proposing 'community Battleship' as a board game.

I sat at my board, which was literally filled completely with pegs of different colors, which also covered my ships. Shieut.

The way we were doing it is that each person got a color and if you fired at them, you marked that color on your radar on that spot. If you wanted to do that spot again for someone else, you'd just stack a different peg on that spot. This could get pretty ridiculous, leading to towers being formed on the radar bits.

"...Marisa, B-4." Patchouli guessed.

"Nope!" Marisa shook her head.

It was now Fluffy's turn.

"hmmm" The fluffle put a finn to its… neck? "brad b-4"

I shook my head. "I'm not even in the game anymore. Literally every slot on my board is filled. Help."

Fluffy looked crestfallen. "oh"

It was now Flufferson's turn.

"ooo ooo ooo" The fluffle got excited. "...brad b-4!"

Freakin'... "Look, if it didn't work last time, why would it work this time!?"

"...im sorry friend" The fluffle looked crestfallen.

It was now Fluffington's turn.

"...honh honh honh honh!" Fluffington got up and started hopping back and forth in place rapidly. "...brad b...3!"

I shake my head. "Dude, I _just_ said every slot is filled. Aim for one of the other two! Or one of your fluffle friends!"

The fluffles didn't even try to hide their battleships. They're literally all lined up in the upper left corner of their boards in the same pattern for each fluffle, but the fluffles immediately targeted me and maxed out my board before I could even out one of them. The magi don't even dare to aggro the freakin' fluffle horde who seems to have this silent agreement to shit on one player at a time.

"...does that mean i missed" it asked.

I slammed my Battleship board shut. "This is bunk."

It was now yet another fluffle's turn. "...brad b-4!"

…

After the… I wanna say twenty… twenty or so other fluffles took their turns and aimed for the same spot on my board, it was now Patchy and Marisa's turns again.

"...Marisa, F-12." Patchouli tried.

"Go fish." Marisa added a peg.

"Alright, yo. I'm gonna go fish." I stand up, and make my way out of the library.

Marisa and Patchouli watch me go, as does the fluffle horde.

…

"Patchouli, A-5."

Patchouli froze.

"...Hahaha! Woo! Yeah!"

The fluffle chorus then began. "brad b-4!"

"b-56!"

"z-12!"

"Waaa~l!"

The point of the game was quickly lost, as the fluffles began converging for a large scale snugglefest, creating a dust storm as they commenced the snuggles.

"...I-I can't. I just can't." Patchouli holds up her hand, fire igniting in it.

Marisa holds up her arms. "W-woah, woah, woah! Isn't that just a little extreme, ze!? It's just a board game!"

"I mean the fluffles. They're dusty." Patchouli explains.

"Oh. Let'er rip, then."

...Marisa wouldn't have admitted it, but she wouldn't have minded taking a fluffle home. They were tiny.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I walk out to the lake, with the intention to catch fish.

How I was going to go about doing that, I didn't know.

But I was gonna do it.

"Alright, let's get crackin', Kraken!" I quip, cracking my knuckles. I look into the overcast sky.

Ahh, overcast. The most tsundere of weather patterns. You never know if it's gonna be a dry, cozy kinda day or a wet shitstorm… and if it's humid, everything just feels dirty. Either way, the weather as it was right now made me feel cozy!

...First tsundere moment in Gensokyo, and it's with the freakin' weather. That's how you _know_ you're not a lady killer.

I look around, at the water, and at my hands, and uh…

Here I am again.

Yet another situation where I must ask 'what the fuck am I going to do with this body of water'.

I briefly consider my Yin-Yang Flail-o-copter, but I don't think it's really fit for fishing endeavors. If only I made another rope of fairy panties, then maybe… but, hmm…

...Didn't people make fishing rods out of bamboo?...I mean, I couldn't do that, but y'know, food for thought…

…

I rip some reeds from the side of the lake. "Screw nature!"

I dunno what I was gonna do with them. I try tying one's loose bitlets around the other, but it just breaks, so I give up and throw it against the dirt.

"...How the hell do you catch fish?" I could do this the easy way and nick a fishing rod from the village or the manor, but no, yo. I was gonna do this the asshole way.

I took out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber. "This is what they call 'nuclear fishing' back in the home country!"

...I couldn't just slap it against the shore like a wet noodle, or else I'd become a wet noodle… and potentially a dead noodle.

Ropes, ropes, ropes, ropes…

…

Actually, hold the hell on, I had an idea!

I take out Remilia's mob cap hat thing. I examine the lace at the top… it was a cloth band thing! I undo the ribbon at the top, and remove it from the cap, which promptly collapsed into a tablecloth. Rest in pieces, little dude…

Also, thank fuck for anime girls having frilly ass clothing. It's a savant when you're trying to create makeshift hooliganry.

I tie one bit of the band in a bow at the curvy hilt of the Bawmber that all plant hangers shared for whatever reason.

"...Now, this band's so short…" I mean, it was better than nothing, but I couldn't do a whole lot with it.

...I had ideas, though. Walking up to a tree, I kicked it. Hah! Take that, tree!

...Brandishing Sharper Than Darkness, I looked up at one of the branches.

"You want a piece of me?" I pointed it at the branch. "You! Want a piece of me!?"

The branch shuffles lightly in a breeze I didn't feel as a response.

"Oh, that's fuckin' it, yo."

I begin climbing the tree, using Sharper Than Darkness as leverage as I stab it into the tree's trunk repeatedly to help me climb it.

Thunk… Thunk… Thunk…

"...H-hello?" I am questioned by a girl below!

I look down from my spot on the tree. "Hello, fairy friend!" It's Daiyousei!

"...Hi."

Thunk…

I've reached the base of the branch! Lifting up Sharper than Darkness, I bring it down.

Crack!

...Thud!

"H-hah!" Daiyousei jumped at the sudden impact.

I looked down, but there didn't seem to be anywhere particularly soft to land on, so…

Shoving Sharper Than Darkness into the shaft, I began sliding down the tree.

Scruu~n…

...I dunno how to do that sound, yo.

Reaching the bottom of the tree, I stand up from the base and walk towards Daiyousei.

"What brings you here, friend?" More importantly, is Cirno here? She'll scare off the freakin' fish sticks.

"I-I was just bored…" Daiyousei stammers. "...Cirno was busy doing other things, and I didn't know where she went."

Fluffy. "Alright, yo. I'm makin' fish sticks."

I lift the sizable branch from the floor, and begin tying Remilia's band thing around it.

Now I had an exploding hanger tied to a large stick!

Daiyousei looked worried. "...W-with that…?"

I nod. "Yes. With this. How else am I going to freakin' nuke the lake?"

I mean, who needs biodiversity when everything wants you dead?

…

Exactly.

"B-but… I-I have a fishing rod you could use!" Daiyousei reached out to stop me. "You'll hurt the fish!"

"Fuck the fish! What've the fish ever done for me, huh? Were they there when the stock market collapsed? Exactly!" With that, I tore my arm away from Daiyousei and marched towards the lake.

"A-auuu…" Daiyousei pouted.

Nearing the water, I began twirling the hanger around. "Fore! Timber! Whatever!"

I slam it into the water.

Boom!

...I got wet. Daiyousei also got wet. No fish were had that day.

Sad face.

"S-stop…" Daiyousei murmured. "The fish…"

I roll my eyes. "Look, I didn't even hit the fish with that last one, calm your fairy tits!"

"B-but you tried!"

Oh my god, Daiyousei, I'm about to use this demented fishing rod on _you_ in a moment here.

"I don't care, yo, I don't care." In all seriousness, though, fish weren't sentient, and I'm pretty sure killing a few to catch is just kinda whatever.

How I'd reel them in is a bridge I'll cross when I get to it, thank you very much.

Let's try again!

Boom!

...The second splash is never as much of a shock as the first!

"..." Daiyousei sighed.

C'mon, yo… Remi needs a new pair of shoes!

Boom!

...and probably a new mob cap!

Boom!

Suddenly from the lake, a person emerges!

"What are you doing!?"

It was the mermaid girl person, Wakagasa-whatever the hell!

I shrug. "I dunno, fly fishing!?"

"Fly fishing!?"

I nod exaggeratedly. "Fly fishing! It's all the rage, lad!"

Wackygas shakes her head, "No." and points at me. "You're not doing that to the lake."

Wh~y the hell did this shallow edge of the _entire_ lake mean anything!? "It's too late, friend. It's already been done. Bad times friend ahead."

Willy Wonka frowned. "Alright. I guess we'll have to do this the hard way."

After all, what could a mermaid person do to a landlubber, yo?

"Scale Sign! Scale Wave!"

Daiyousei flinched wildly. "Eep!"

She proceeded to flee into the nearby foliage.

Waves of that basic 'swoosh of energy' type of danmaku materialized around her, and they slowly expanded outward…

...and when I say slowly, I meant _slowly_.

Even _I_ had time to dodge them, without movement buffs or anything. Yo…

...I scratched my head before tensing up, navigating a somewhat tricky portion of the swoosh waves. "So uh… 'bout them Lakers…"

Gooo~ Lakers! I'm not into sports, but I'm sure there's a team named Lakers out there, and I'm sure Waggysaggy would enjoy them!

Yabbadabbadoo grimaced. "Hmmh… I should have seen that coming…"

Moments later, the spellcard dispersed. Did I uh… capture it?

"...Say, uhhh… what happens when you capture a spellcard?" I ask her.

She blinks. "...You get a copy of it that you can conjure, mostly for memorization and collection reasons. You could use it yourself, but in my opinion that would be a little distasteful. It might be fun in certain situations, though."

There was a thing like that? "...I dunno what a danmaku is. Help."

Woolly shakes her head. "I don't think I could help you… Wait, didn't I see you during the flooding incident?"

I nod. "Yeah. I remember that. I forgot your name, but I remember you."

"Wakasagihime."

...Ohhh~, right, the one that sounds better in words than in paper. I remembered, now.

"Ah, yes. Just needed a refresher."

"Right." Wakasagihime lowers her eyes and looks away.

Believe what you want, yo. "...By the way, I need some fish to bring back home for reasons."

"Alright." Wakasagihime dives back into the lake. Moments later, she comes out with an armful of fish.

"Salmon. They're everywhere. Go ahead."

She throws them at me, and I fall backward because _holy fish sticks batman_.

I grab a few. "This is uh… okay?"

She nodded. "Trust me, even in the lake we eat salmon. They just don't stop breeding, ever."

Fantasy salmon. The most invasive kind of salmon.

"...Why'd you get angry before?" It's not like I was hurting anyone!

"You were disturbing the peace." Wakasagihime argued. "It was… disturbing, for lack of a better word."

Disturbing the peace. In Gensokyo.

A'ight, yo. Seems legit.

I nod. "...I see."

I begin walking back towards the mansion, and pause to wave back at Wakasagihime.

"Have a good one, yo!"

"Thanks! You too!"

Freakin' small talk.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Meiling is finally back at the gate!

I run up to the closed gate. "Hello, Meiling."

She looks down at my arms full of fish. "...Hey."

I prance in place. "Help, Meiling. I have fish."

"...I see that."

...I continue to prance in place, as if in a hurry.

"I, uh… guess I'll let you in, then." Meiling opens the gate for me, and I rush in.

"Thanks, friend! Waahoohoo~!"

…

"..." Meiling closed the gate silently. "...I don't know what to think about that."

The fluffle stand was still there, too. "i think it was fluffy"

"Quiet, you." Meiling scowled at the fluffle.

It opened its shell nose, as if surprised.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I walk up to the magical friends, holding the salmon in my arms.

"Hello, magical friends."

I also noticed the peculiar lack of fluffles. Help, no.

Patchouli sighs.

Marisa smirks. "...You uh, really went fishing…"

I nod. "...By the way, take them already."

I toss the fish at Marisa, and she dives back, shielding herself from them.

"They smell." I added, brushing my clothes like that would help get the stench off.

"Geh…" Marisa grimaces, fleeing from the fish and brushing her clothes off in turn. "What the hell did you expect me to do with them!?"

I threw my arms in the air. "I dunno! You told me to go fish, so I did!"

"I didn't even direct that comment to you!" Marisa yelled back.

...I turned to Patchouli. "You need to go fishing, friend."

She shakes her head. "The game is over."

"You need to go fishing, friend." I insist.

"I will not." Patchouli continues to shake her head.

Daw. I tried.

…

"So…" I clap my hands together. "...Fluffy days."

...Patchouli stares at me for a moment before continuing. "As I was discussing with Marisa before you barged in here, I'm pretty sure there are various ways we could go about tracking that vengeful spirit's whereabouts."

I nod. "So whadda we gonna do? Set us up the bomb?" Hyonk.

"...If what you're trying to imply is 'mangle grammar rules', then no. I have a feeling simple scrying spells would go poorly, so instead I believe if we placed specific surveillance objects around places of interest, that would best serve our purposes."

As fun as that sounds, I don't particularly want to be the one to pass them out unless I can do them as like a side quest while I roam about without purpose or reason.

I raise a finger-

"If we have these objects passed out, then yes, you will only need to place a select few. I know your type." Patchouli guesstimates my question.

...She wasn't wrong, either!

I put my finger down.

"...All we need now are mundane objects we could place anywhere. As trivial as that need sounds, I do not believe we have many things like that."

...Duu~de…

I summon a crusty pillow. Patchouli's eyes widen as she hastily leaps away from it, and pauses to catch her breath.

"N-no!..." She takes a deep breath, then ignites her hand. Moments later, the pillow is vaporized. "...No."

I nod casually. "...Friendly."

Patchouli simply glares at me. "...That's not helping matters, you know."

I hold out my hand, and begin generating basic wooden blocks.

Patchouli blinks. "...Wood magic? From you? ...You've become quite a mishmash of random spells, haven't you?"

I nod. "Wouldn't have it any other way, yo."

Marisa decides to pipe in. "Reminds me of one of those funny knives at Kourin's…"

"The only difference is that those knives are actually useful to an extent, if you know how to use them." She jumps at the chance to belittle my magical prowess.

I don't really bat an eye, because she's not wrong!

Patchouli lifted one of the wooden blocks. "...These'll do."

She continued to examine it. I wonder if this mansion has- or had- a lounge area…

"...Come back in a day or so. I'll have everything sorted then."

Marisa jerked her head back. "A day!? Do you know how much trouble teach could cause in a day?"

"...Well, if you'd like to find her by trial and error, by all means." Patchouli rolled her eyes. "...Besides, I intended for your aid to contribute to that one day deadline anyway. If you don't help, it would take too long to prove useful, I'm sure."

Marisa considered this. "...Alright, ze. I'll help."

I think I'm done here! I begin walking out-

"Hold on. Could you conjure about a hundred more of those blocks?"

I pause and turn to her. "...Couldn't you do it yourself?"

Patchouli smirks. "What? I thought you would be most content thinking your ability was coveted."

Freakin'... "Well, when you put it like that, you can drop dead and give me pancakes." Fluffcakes.

Nodding smugly, Patchouli turns away and starts conjuring the blocks herself. "Be that way, inexperienced one."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Leaving the library, I find myself at an impasse…

I could do one of a few things!:

Find Ha-chan…

Find that lucky fairy and see if I can experiment with her element…

Ask Meiling if she knows draconic words of power…

…

That last one popped into my head just recently. Wasn't she like, part dragon? I wonder if she can speak _dovahzul_!

...because I can't, but it'd be cool if she could!

I make my way out to the front gate, and flip open the lock. I walk outside next to Meiling, who is currently at the fluffle stand.

"I'm not taking an ambiguous answer here. Do you or do you not scout this wall for invasion purposes?"

Meiling seemed to be up to _here_ with the fluffles by this point.

"i need an adult" the fluffle requests.

"U~gh… this isn't going anywhere." Meiling sat her head down on the stand's counter.

I walk up beside her. Did the dragons have a greeting of some kind? Probably, but it eludes me. I wish I had a translator or something right now.

Maybe I'll just use the unrelenting force shout unsuccessfully to see if it stirs a reaction from Meiling.

"Fus… Ro Dah!" I shout, moving my hands towards the fluffle in a pushing motion.

…

Nothing happened!

Meiling freezes, and turns towards me. "...That's… an interesting choice of words."

...That moment when the only shout you know is Fus Ro Dah. I knew there were other shouts, but I didn't know the words for them. "...Fus! Fus Ro!" I flail my arms in the vague direction of the fluffle.

Meiling narrows her eyes. "...What are you playing at, here?"

I shrug. "...Something something dragon response. I dunno _dovahzul_."

"...Where did you even…" Meiling looks conflicted. "Not even the mistress or Lady Patchouli know of that language… When did you find out about it?"

I grin. "Outsider benefits, yo…! I'm like the AI in a video game, yo. I just get these things by existing!"

...More accurately, that could be said about my enemies each and every time. I just so happened to play Skyrim back in my spare time a bit. I guess the dragon language is somehow consistent across freakin' space and time.

Meiling didn't need to know, though!

"...Right." Meiling sighed. "So, what was the point in bringing it up to me?"

I shrug. "Just wanted to know if _dov_ in Gensokyo followed the same rules as the _dov_ from others." I did know that _dov_ meant dragonkind. They said it enough in the Skyrim theme song…!

" _Dov_ from others…? That's… interesting." Meiling didn't know what to make of that news.

I nod. "Show me some dragon shouts, yo!" I stance myself and make a 'come at me' gesture with my hands.

Meiling blinks. "...Eheh, I never really kept up with the language… I'm not a full _dovah_ , you know, even though many youkai recognize me as one. I haven't spent _that_ much time with actual dragons…"

I shrug. "Well, what _do_ you know, yo?"

Pausing, Meiling seems to be thinking…

…

"...Well, I suppose I have something I learned…"

She takes a deep breath, and I kinda prepare myself…

…

" _Brii_ …"

Suddenly, despite the day being overcast, the rays of light around Meiling lit up like rainbows, a plethora of colors subtly basking the front gate of the manor in fruity colors.

" **Fus** …"

The colors grow more intense, and the air around Meiling seems to be charged with energy, her hair whipping in the air, being manipulated by an invisible force. A small blast of force also shoots towards me, since she was facing me. I braced myself, but I was still thrown back against the brick wall effortlessly.

Was that just _Fus_!?

" _ **Toor!**_ "

Suddenly, Meiling was ignited with a blast of rainbow flames, burning brightly. The flames were like nothing I had ever seen before, cackling as if electrical, but still holding a fire-esque quality to them. They cycled randomly through the series of colors, but white was a common occurrence due to the plethora of colors.

" **Haaa~h!** " Meiling roars, her eyes glowing disco style.

"Waaa~l!" wails the fluffle, who begins fleeing from its stand after the third Word of Power was shouted.

Meiling hovers into the air, then leaps to the floor, stopping just in front of the fluffle stand.

" **Raaa~h!** "

Swinging her arms blindly, bolts of pure rainbow energy bombarded the fluffle stand.

KraKoom! KraKrack! KraBoom!

...The fluffle stand was a smoldering heap after Meiling was through with it.

I also backed up to the gate, because uh…

" **Huuaaagh!** "

Meiling arched back and roared, enveloping herself in a pillar of rainbow flames.

Then, just as quickly as it began, the flames vanished. The fruity colors enveloping the front of the gate turned back to the dull grey the overcast provided previously. The power vacuum being generated around Meiling ceased to be.

Meiling stood in place, still in the pose she had taken moments prior.

...then she broke her stance and fell onto her back.

"...E-eheh…"

Meiling breathed heavily on the floor. I walked up to her and looked down at her.

"...You uh… you okay there, friend?"

She took her time breathing to respond. "...Y-yeah… Just… give me a moment…"

…

"...Takes… a lot outta me… y'know?"

I was still kinda in awe at the scale of the effects. Meiling was a freakin' _Dovahkiin_.

...Wait, if she was only _half_ dragon, what the hell was the other half? Human? Otherwise?

In any case, I couldn't call her overpowered because that single shout seemed to have wiped her out, and its effects only lasted like a minute.

...She was still kinda overpowered because it gave her insano stamina and determination, as video game characters and/or dragonkin typically develop. Strength was a virtue of her own, though; I'd know so, considering my attempt at a purely magic Skyrim run…

That, and she was a gardener. If I were the most powerful mage in the world, I'd probably still be a shite gardener.

Meiling sat up. "...Aaa~h, that kinda smarted…"

I'll say.

"...That was a thing." I added.

"Heh. That all you have to say?" Meiling grinned.

I nod. "Yeah."

"Very well, then. I'll just… rest here."

I scratch the back of my head. "...I could carry you to a room or something. I dunno."

Meiling smirked. "You sure you could manage that, boy? You don't look very… physically able, to be honest. No offense."

"None taken!" I smile. I go to lift Meiling.

I fail. I can barely move her legs, even! Jesus.

"...It's not a big deal. I sleep outside regularly anyway." Meiling adds.

I shake my head. "Nope, nope, nope. It is now my prime directive to get you to bed and freakin' smack you over the head with a bedtime story now, whether you like it or not, _Dovahkiin_."

Meiling sheepishly grinned. "...Could you not call me that? I mean, I'm fine with it, but… I don't particularly want to be questioned by anyone else about it, if you know what I mean."

Aaah, yeah. I feel ya, I feel ya. "Yeah, no problems, yo."

"Thanks."

…

"So uh…"

I take out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber.

"...Of course." Meiling sighed.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 24

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed.

INVENTORY:

Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Due to a dark amulet upgrade, it may be used to cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. Has a very situational instant-death dealing condition that, let's be honest, I probably couldn't fulfil; it's just there for world building. Help no.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives that I mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out...

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

hello world

i kinda wanna know if things have gotten a bit boring by now for any of you guys

i actually did research for the words of power meiling used, by the way! they should go something like "beauty force inferno", which makes sense

dragon language apparently doesn't have rainbows… or color… or light, in the sunlight sense; their version of light means 'good' or 'correct'.

if things are boring around here, i wanna know if it's 'cause there's too little action or you just don't like the scenarios or wat

also i've been trying to condense the inventory descriptions. they were getting a BIT UNWIELDY and i dont want like 50 k words to be THOSE THINGS

as always, see you all next time.


	28. The Man with a Gravity Gun for a Head

(guess what time it is guys daz right it's time for ya boy MATT'S PERSPECTIVE in the HOUSE YO)

I sat in the kitchen, slowly but steadily bashing my head against the table in boredom.

Thud.

Youmu was seated at the table, eating some pancakes. "...You know, you wouldn't be cooped up in here if you were a better person."

...I look up at her dully, then bring my head back to the table.

Thud.

"...Have it your way, then." Youmu shrugs.

I look up at her. "I'm pretty sure I'd be here anyway."

Youmu pauses. "...You're probably right about that, but I think mistress'd find it in herself to let you roam a lot more if you were a little less… tactless, I suppose."

Girl, it takes tact to be as tactless as I am. Wait…

In any case, that statement did little to interest me.

Thud.

Youmu sighed. "...I'll be off tending the garden if you need me."

With that, Youmu was gone.

…

I looked up from the table. What could I do to entertain myself?...

Looking around, I noticed Gustavus Adolphus wasn't around anywhere nearby. Hmm.

…

I stand up. I suppose I should track him down before he gets out of hand. Besides, it gives me something to do.

The first place I should probably check is the front lawn. After all, if that thing got outside, who knows what the hell it would do.

Going through a couple sliding doors, I made my way to the front of the manor.

Cherry blossom trees stood tall outside, as they always did.

Looking around, I quickly saw a… fluffle stand.

"...You're kidding me."

A fluffle stood up on the stand, and tilted its head upward. "gusty adoofs!"

I walk up to it and scowl at it. "And just _what_ do you think _you're_ doing?"

Gustavus looks away as if thinking. "im…" It pauses, looking around as if it forgot what to say. "...calling home!" The fluffle cheerfully finished its sentence.

Calling home, huh? "...What exactly does that mean?"

To the right of the stand, there was an object I could only describe as a teleporter from Team Fortress 2.

I think I knew what was going on, and I didn't like it.

"...What's the big idea with the teleporter?" I accused the fluffle.

Gustavus tilted its head. "it is… matter displacement mechanism!"

I see.

"it allows me to bring back the fluff" Gustavus happily exclaims, gesturing to it with its fins.

The teleporter began spinning.

Truth be told, I was vaguely curious as to what would come out of it. In all actuality, it's probably just going to be more fluffles.

wooAsh!

It's a fluffle. It's curled up, with its limbs tucked under it.

Gustavus raises its fins, and opens its shell nose. "its fluff loaf!"

The fluff loaf proceeded to speak. "im freshly baked"

It then mobilized itself and somehow glided off the teleporter.

Gustavus leaped off the stand and lifted it. It then leaped back onto the stand.

"give it a hug, friend"

I grab the fluff loaf with one hand. "No." I proceed to chuck it into the bushes behind me.

Gustavus's shell nose opens again. "friend" It proceeds to look solemn. "how could you"

I glare at it. "It was fluffy."

Gustavus shakes its head. "im going to have to get the tubs now friend"

Anything but the tubby fluff. I'm petrified.

wooAsh!

From the teleporter emerged a towering metal construct. I blinked as I looked up, and saw that the thing was probably as tall as the nearby shrine itself.

Did they just put a support beam through the teleporter, or what…?

The tall construct began walking, as strange as it sounds. Its legs did not bend; rather, something at the top moved all four… limbs… of it independently. Each 'limb' of the creation was a towering column, with a framed piston in the center. Wires ran up the sides of each piston.

Gustavus raised its fins. "friend"

Whatever the hell Gustavus just brought upon this world, I don't think it was a friend.

It was all metal.

I took a few steps back from it. What the hell was this thing…?

Suddenly, the creation jerked straight up into the air. It did so obscenely abruptly, faster than anything obeying physics should.

I half braced myself for an impact. Normally, what goes up must come down, but at the speed that thing shot into the-

THWAA~SH!

What the fuck!?

The fluffle stand collapsed in on itself, and leaves began showering down from the cherry blossom trees. The entire shrine rocked from the impact, and the stone the large machine smashed into was annihilated.

I slid to the ground, the vibrations too intense for my shoes to even connect with the floor properly for awhile.

The teleporter exploded too, which was probably a blessing in disguise.

I had a feeling this was going to get _very_ annoying, _very_ quickly.

Quickly, I looked around for Gustavus Adolphus, only to find it apparently escaped in the past few moments. Damn.

...Eying the proximity of the towering abomination, I make my way around the perimeter of the shrine in order to keep away from it incase it does that last thing again. The last thing I needed was to live the rest of my life as a doormat.

I looked back at it once I was a safe distance away.

It jerked into the air again.

This time I took the initiative and just sat down ahead of time. I knew it was coming, anyway.

THWAA~SH!

I vibrated against the soil next to the shrine, and witnessed more destruction take place as a result of the thing's actions.

"W-what's going on!?"

Youmu skidded her way out the front door, and looked up at the towering metal construct.

The pistons in the legs of the machine started moving faster… and faster… and faster…

Quickly, the pistons were moving so fast that the force they slammed the ground below with started to make the machine sink deeper into the floor, pushing down the soil and stone beneath it. Shockwaves echoed out across the floor, sending parts of the shrine's front porch into the air, severing the wood from the soil.

Youmu leaps into the air, and swings her katana at it.

Cla~ng!

"Hmph…"

Youmu flies back onto the roof of the shrine.

"The things that cannot be cut by the Roukanken…"

She closed her eyes.

"...are next to none!"

Shi~ng!

…

Youmu was suddenly behind the machine, quite a distance away, too.

Craa~ck!

The machine fell apart, the four legs divided cleanly in two. Metal parts rained down from the divide.

The nearby terrain shook as the machine's top impacted with the floor.

Quickly, I ran up to inspect it. Perhaps there could be something salvageable from this thing's demise?

I run along the sides of the creation. I pass Youmu.

She turns to me, "Hey, wait…!" but I keep going past her to find the top of the machine.

As soon as I reach the top of it, I'm instantly disappointed by what I see.

"hi friend"

It was a fluffle, with its limbs all strapped on to the tops of the four metal limbs with large metal clamps.

I blink at it. "...At this point, I shouldn't be surprised."

Youmu catches up to me. "Where do you think you're… going…?"

She stops to look at the fluffle.

I turn to her. "...Do you have any words to describe the absurdity of this situation? Because I do not."

Youmu turns to me. "...You mean you _didn't_ do this?"

Pfft. Sneakily knifing people, yes. Sending giant fuck-you machines to rain down hell upon people, not so much. "How exactly _would_ I?"

She shrugs. "I-I don't know. It wouldn't exactly be outside the realm of possibility, you know?"

Sure.

I point at the fluffle. "You see this thing?"

She nods.

"I don't work with this thing." I proceed to move towards it, and punch it.

"oof" The fluffle was largely unaffected.

…

"...My point still stands." I turn to Youmu. "It would indeed be _exactly_ outside the realm of possibility, as a matter of fact."

Youmu rolled her eyes. "Alright, alright… It wasn't you, then."

It seems by some miracle we have made that clear.

"...Who might it have been, then?" Youmu questions aloud.

I point to the fluffle.

"...Those things obviously don't have souls, so it couldn't have been them." Youmu retorted. "Hakurouken would have some effect on them if that was the case, but apparently they're neither living nor dead… and their normal demeanor apparently isn't a state of confusion."

You see, the fluffles do not live in a state of confusion, because they _are_ the state of confusion.

She didn't need to know that, though.

"...Regardless, standing around and talking in front of that thing-"

Shi~ng!

The fluffle exploded into dust.

"...isn't going to do us much good." Youmu finished her sentence. "The most we can do now is report to Yuyuko-sama about our findings."

So we turn around…

…

...and we see about ten more of the towering constructs closing in on the shrine from all the sides that weren't where we were.

We see a few more appear, particles of teleportation still hanging on a few.

Gustavus didn't just make one teleporter.

He made _way too fucking many_ teleporters.

Youmu's jaw dropped. "...Y-Yu...Yuyuko-sama!"

I turn to her. "Look, she's already dead. I don't think dying a little more is going to hurt her." The worst thing that could happen to her is the loss of the shrine, honestly.

"H-how can you say that!?" Youmu practically screams at me. "Y-Yuyuko-sama has given you all this… this h-hospitality, and you just…"

Youmu looks back and forth between me and the oncoming horde of machines.

I sigh. "...Look. I'm not dead yet."

Youmu glares at me. "What's that supposed to-"

"You're also not dead yet. Well, partially." Half dead, technically. Pedantics.

Youmu pauses to let me continue.

"...Your mistress, however, _is_ and _has been_ dead for quite some time now. I'm sure she'll be fine, especially if we manage to _not_ die." I argue.

"B-but…"

No. "Just shut up and get us out of here!"

She pauses to harden her expression at me, but decides to follow my plan of action anyway. "...I-I can't believe I'm doing this to Yuyuko-sama… but… I'll be back. I owe that much to her."

Youmu starts moving towards the exit to Hakugyokurou, and I follow her.

...We hear violence behind us.

THWAA~-A~SH!...THWAA-THWAA-A~SH!

...Youmu and I were now on the world's biggest Slip'n'slide, essentially. The cherry blossoms were pretty much just dropping from the trees like rocks, now.

I slid by Youmu, who turned to me with an alarmed expression.

"W-w-e-e-e a-a-pp-e-e-a-a-r-" I quit trying to talk because it wasn't going well.

"A-a-a-a-a-h-h-h!" Youmu agrees.

We continue sliding down the stone pathway until we reach the stairway out of Hakugyokurou.

...Wait, if there was a stairway here the whole time, why didn't I just-

…

Ah, that's why.

I appear to be falling.

…

Youmu catches me moments later.

She looks back up at the gate to Hakugyokurou, then shakes her head.

"...I'm sorry, Yuyuko-sama…"

Knowing Yuyuko, she wouldn't know there was an assault going on until one of the fluffles outright said so.

...I look at Youmu. "...So, how long will it be until we reach something resembling land?"

Looking down, I do see land. It's just very far down.

 _Very_ far down.

"...It doesn't take too long, usually." Youmu begins hovering at a downward angle with me. "We need to go talk to Reimu about this, or someone. We can't stop those things alone."

Hmm. "Who said we needed to stop them?" Yuyuko would probably eat them by herself if we gave her enough time. Or hug them to death.

Youmu glared at me. "That's not funny."

"I wasn't trying to be."

She sighs. "...Just...don't run off and kill any body this time, okay? If you do, it's going to be on my head."

New mission objective: kill as many people as possible under Youmu's surveillance.

Oh, right. I was supposed to be buttering myself onto Yukari and Yuyuko's good sides. Hmm. Maybe there was a way I could do it without them noticing further...

In any case, it was gonna be awhile before I even recognized where we were. The wind up here's not fun, by the way.

/ / / / MERRY CHRISTMAS GUYS, IT'S FEBRUARY / / / /

We touch down in front of the seemingly dismantled Hakurei Shrine.

Youmu drops me unceremoniously to the floor.

"Thanks." I very much appreciate being dropped on my ass.

"You're welcome." Youmu steps over me, walking towards the shrine.

...Getting up from the floor, I look around. Even though I could run off right this moment because Youmu already neglected to keep me on a leash, I'd like to get my bearings a bit before setting out on a Turok: Dinosaur Hunter style rampage across the forests.

Or get torn apart by youkai, that would work too.

I follow Youmu into the 'shrine'.

/ / / / MRRY CRSMS / / / /

"...Oh." Reimu nodded at Youmu's explanation of what happened. "So you were just trimming the garden- no, _going_ to trim the garden…"

"...And that's when they attacked." Youmu finished for her. "They leveled the entire shrine."

"...Uh-huh." Reimu sipped her tea.

…

"It was quite an experience." I added. "Gustavus grew up so fast, you see."

"I have a strong feeling that you two are just making things up to annoy me." Reimu said outright.

Youmu shook her head. "N-no!"

I nodded. "Yes."

Reimu furrowed her brows. "Which is it?"

"We're not!" Youmu raises her hands, flustered.

"We are. You see, Yuyuko is making us do it." I explain.

"What? No!" Youmu turns to me to make angry faces.

Reimu rolled her eyes. "At this point, I'd like to talk to Yuyuko myself about this. You two are useless."

Youmu hunches over. "Aauu~..."

…

"Well? Where is she?" Reimu looks around for Yuyuko.

"Dead."

Youmu gives me a flat stare.

"Good. Great." Reimu's voice drips with sarcasm. "Is she a ghost, too?"

I nod. "The worst kind of ghost."

The Youmu intensifies.

Reimu grins. "That we can agree on."

"I didn't come here just to hear Yuyuko-sama get insulted…" Youmu began, her voice low.

"I don't run this shrine to receive pranks from lousy teenagers, either." Reimu, the lousy teenager, exclaims.

Youmu begins hovering. "I'll request this service from you whether you like it or not!"

Floating into a combat stance, Reimu grins. "Fi~nally, a normal spellcard duel for once…"

Youmu blinks.

"Come on, then."

Reimu floated past Youmu, out the shrine's front door. Youmu followed her.

…

I'd take the time to loot the shrine, but the last time I did there wasn't much of anything to go around.

Speaking of which, the shrine was in a state of disrepair at the moment. The only structural parts standing of the building itself were the door, the porch, and a bit of the flooring inside.

There wasn't much left except for beam parts, paper walling, some tiles, and lots of broken wood.

Invigorating, to say the least. I don't see Suika anywhere, either.

...A moment later, a fluffle sticks its head out of a pile of rubble.

Alright, I'm done here. Nothing to see here.

I turn to the front door of the shrine, and see light. Danmaku rained down across the front stone pathway, and I heard it pattering against what stood of the shrine doorway.

I don't feel I should go towards the light right now.

Instead, I go around the doorway and head for the hillside to the side of the shrine. Making sure that my path down the hill is out of the general trajectory of the violence behind me, I pace myself as I stumble down the absurdly steep hill.

...I feel like I'll slip and fall at any given moment, but I don't. Fortunate day for me, to be sure.

After a moment of stumbling down the hill, I reach the bottom.

Only now do I ask myself the question of where the hell I'm actually going. I don't think the village is that great of an idea at the moment, and killing people seems to have put me on the government watch list or something. As fun as beating the hornet's nest was, I'm pretty sure anything more and I'll be deported to Hell.

I decide to go right, which I believe is the direction the lake is in.

Who knows, maybe I'll get to fight some youkai and see what they're really like when they're not all-powerful reality-screwing gods and the likes… I mean, I had a vague idea of what their abilities were like, but the keyword there was 'vague'.

On the other side of the lake, things are exploding. Let's not go there.

I decide to round the edge of the lake and head off to the right a bit. I could always just go backwards if I got particularly lost.

…

"Hey!"

While trekking through the woods, I hear a voice.

Turning to my side, I see a blond fairy holding a sunflower.

"Hello!" She waves at me.

"...Hi." I greet it half-heartedly.

She hovers up to me. "Whatcha doin'?"

"Exploring." I answered.

"Ooo~h!" She nods, understanding.

I walk through the woods as the fairy girl trails behind me. Before long, I hear a constant rustling behind me.

I don't think I should bother to look back.

"Hello!" The fairy greets whoever that is.

"Aaaeee~hhh!" it screamed.

…

Rubbing my ears, I continue trying to go forward.

…

"honh honh honh honh" I hear fluffy noises behind me.

…

"Hello!" The fairy greets it.

"Waaal!"

"Aaaeee~hhh!"

Is the Gensokyo overworld always this retarded?

I turn to face my impromptu posse, which consisted of a fluffle, some green bush monster, and that blond fairy.

Said fairy floats down and hugs the two. "Friends!"

"huhuhuhuh"

"Aaaeee~hhh!"

The blond fairy's eyes widen, and she lets go of the two, reaching for her ears. "O~uch…"

The fluffle turns to the green bush fellow. "so what are you in for friend"

"Aaaeeee~hhh!"

"yeah me too"

I turn away from them and keep walking. Maybe if I ignore them, then they'll cease to be.

After a solid minute of walking without any notable disturbances, notable disturbances happen.

"N-no! I need that!"

"huhuhohuhohu"

"Friend, sto~p!"

I turn around, and see that the fluffle has shoved its face in the sunflower fairy's sunflower.

"Noo~!"

...I regret leaving the shrine. I now see what they meant when they talked about the dangers of wild youkai.

Just when all hope was thought to have been lost, we come across a mysterious manor in the middle of the woods.

...Manor styled house, more accurately. It's not easy to miss, but it's pretty out of the way.

I move towards the front door… but before I get too close, I turn around to face the three stooges behind me.

"Shhh…" I bring a finger to my mouth, shushing them. "If you three are to be useful, you will do as I say."

The fluffle stares at me, smiling obliviously.

"Aaaeee~hhh!" Will someone shut that thing up already!?

"Are we playing Simon Says!?" The fairy beams, excited.

"No, we're playing Simon Demands." I flatly tell the fairy. "Simon Demands that…" While it was tempting to tell the fairy to kindly shut the fuck up, I briefly considered if I could trust it with a different plan.

"Simon Demands that you carry all- me, I mean. Simon Demands that you carry me to the top of that structure." I point at the building.

The fairy looks uncertain. "I dunno… You're too fat…"

Simon might demand that you die relatively soon for that comment, fairy girl. "You're too cuddly, soft stuff."

She looked offended. "I am not soft! I'm just plushy!"

Alright, this is getting nowhere.

I look at the fluffle. "You. Simon Demands that you burrow into the house and unlock all means of entry from the inside."

"...i can make a mean hotcake" The fluffle looks up at me, determined.

Right.

I look at the bush monster.

Nah. Nope. Not gonna happen.

Alright… "Look, everyone. We need to find a _discreet_ way into that household, for…" What one thing could all three of these bozos agree on? "...Sugary treats." I think that's something all four of us can agree on, actually.

Blank stares.

"...Candy." I summarize.

"Yeah! Woo~!" The sunflower fairy cheers, pumping her arms in the air.

"Waaal~!" The fluffle wails in excitement.

"Aaaaeee~hhh!" Fucking…

The fluffle takes the lead!

"follow me… follow… follow me." it stumbles out for no apparent reason, then scurries up to the window.

The bush monster obeys. The fluffle gets on its back and provides no height at all. The bush monster hops on it, and the height is still about the same as me crouching.

"I know! I know!" The sunflower fairy flies up to the window, and aims her sunflower at it.

I raise my arms to protest this method of infiltration. "H-hold on! Hold on! Wait, don't-"

FwiChoo~m!

Sha~tter!

…

She cheers, "Yay! We did it!" and promptly hovers into the manor.

The fluffle stands up, and the bush creature slides off its back. It then hops onto the wall and scurries inside like a fast insect.

...I sigh. "This will not end well."

I climb inside.

/ / / / AAAEEEE~HHH / / / /

Now inside, I cautiously tiptoe to the nearest edge of the corridor. I duck behind a protrusion in the wall which was part of the wall design.

The manor looks incredibly faded and unmaintained, unfortunately. Perhaps valuables were in here, however…

No wonder no one reacted to that bush _thing_ outside screaming its lungs out.

I look around the corner, and see the fairy flying around.

"Ooo~h! This place is spooky!" she exclaims with glee.

The fluffle walks past me, covered in dusty artifacts. "its dusty in here"

It smiles.

"Aaaeee~hhh!" wails the bush monster from outside, which was unable to make its way in. Good riddance. I could still hear it claw at the wall, though.

I look back into the front foyer, and the fluffle has pulled a vanishing act. The fairy is still flying around like a moth, though.

Regardless, I still think I've hit some sort of absurd luck streak. I mean, an entire abandoned house filled with pricey, albeit aged, looking merchandise?

...I wasn't complaining.

I decided to separate myself from the rabble. Not that much of it was there anymore; the fluffle took off to do what I could only assume was disassemble the entire house one nail at a time, and the bush thing can go fuck itself for all I care. It probably even could.

I make my way to a back room. A large, dusty piano sits in the back corner.

...Let's play a song!

Now… time to test a few notes…

I slam my hands down on the keys.

Bwaaaa~m!

...Well, it didn't explode, so there's that.

I slam my hands down again.

Bwaaaa~m!

...Alright, let's get serious now…

Ting, ting…

 _Too~ng_.

That was unpleasant.

Ting, _too~ng_ , ting...

I may have chosen to ignore the fact I know as much as a deaf amputee about playing a piano.

...For funsies, I slam my hands down on the keys again.

Bwaaaa~m!

Okay, I'm done now.

…

Bwaaaa~m! Bwooo~m! Bwaaaooaoo~m!

…

I stand up from the piano, which I most likely have given cancer.

Turning around, I may have happened to see a ghost.

Her arms were folded, and she was not very happy looking.

Truly the most terrifying of otherworldly spirits.

"...What were you doing with that poor piano!?" she shouted at me abruptly.

"Molesting it." I truthfully responded.

"Clearly!" She floated over to it, allowing me to notice her translucent nature better. She had the form of a young woman. She was also dressed in funny red clothing, though I suppose you could say _everyone_ in Gensokyo was funnily dressed.

Aside from the human villagers. They were boring.

"Look, it goes like _this_ …"

Unfortunately, alliteration would not suffice for whatever tune she just played. It sounded classical, though. No, I have not memorized the names of classical songs.

...I stare at the performance as it finishes. That was neat, I guess. A little jarring considering my current looting mindset, but still welcomed.

"...There." She floats up from the piano. "That's how you play a piano. It takes precision and delicacy!"

I'd comment about how much precision backstabbing takes, but I think it'd go over her head. Being already dead, and all. I don't think worldly hazards like those remotely threaten her anymore.

"...I never cared that much for piano." I admitted. I'd like to carry on with the ransacking, if that's okay with this piano spirit.

She stared at me. "...What _do_ you care for, then?"

I shrug. "Whatever fits in this bag that I can make out of this manor with."

She glares at me. "...A thief, are you?"

"I'd call myself an opportunistic explorer of abandoned abodes. A far more valiant occupation, if I do say so myself." I even add in the cocky grin you'd expect from some douchey explorer dude.

"Very well." She floats back, and summons a keyboard from nowhere. "I suppose I will have to give you an opportunity to listen to some music that, in my opinion, you'll care very much for."

With that, she smirks and starts playing on her keyboard.

VaVaVaVuu~m...

Musical notes fly out, summoned to the beat of her piano tune.

I did not expect musical coffins to be a consideration for today's activities. I feel like Remilia would enjoy this, though.

I quickly turn back, and flee from the room. I slam the door behind me as I leave.

TwangTwangTwangTwang…

I hear the notes thud against the door. I jog down the hall, heading for the foyer.

I see the fairy up ahead, speaking with a different ghost girl.

"Yea~h!" The fairy did a jig in the air.

This ghost was blue, and playing a trumpet.

VoooVoooo~m!

This just in: Homicidal maniac gets chased by killer musical notes while unfitting music plays.

I prepare to break into a run down the hall I entered from, but suddenly the red ghost girl floats out in front of me.

"Where do you think _you're_ going, sir?" She grins merrily. "My performance has only just begun!"

"Home." I warmly reply.

…

"No." She shakes her head.

Well, you can't fault me for trying.

I turn around again.

Vava~...VavaVuu~m…

A spiral of musical notes trail after me as I run into the foyer and run towards the duo of hooligans.

"I appear to be under attack!" I exclaim. "Fairy friend, show them your battle prowess!"

The sunflower fairy snaps her head to the hallway where the red ghost is. "Oh, no! Enemies!"

The blue ghost takes her side. "What? No! I was just about to jam, too!"

The red ghost floats in after me. "Sound echoes, you- Hey, hey hey!"

Voo~Vooo~m!

The red ghost was forced to strafe as the blue one shot lasers from her trumpet.

Trumpet lasers.

"Hey, Merlin! What are you-"

Voooo~m!

"Stop it-"

FwiChoo~m!

"You stupid fairy!" The red ghost glared at us.

I'd attack her too, but I happen to have essentially zero magical damage tools in my arsenal. Sad days.

"Must stop the enemies!" Sunflower fairy yelled, engrossed in her new task.

"Yeah! Enemies are bad!" 'Merlin', as she's dubbed, agrees.

I duck to the side as a battle between the three erupts.

"...What's going on in here…?"

Slowly, a black-clothed ghost girl floats up through the floor. How many of these are there? Here I thought I could peacefully liberate this house of its expensive guff…

Merlin turns to her. "Lunasa! Help me stop the enemies!"

The red ghost pouts, angry. "Lunasa! Don't listen to her! I don't know what's gotten into her!"

The fairy aims her sunflower at Lunasa. "Must stop all enemies!"

FwiChoo~m!

Lunasa drifts to the side as the laser slowly starts up.

…The two other ghosts turn to the fairy girl, unhappy.

"..." The fairy girl senses the tension rising. She looks to me. "...Stop… enemies…?"

I nod. "Yes. Fight the elite army. Conquer everything."

She puts on a brave face. "...I cannot be stopped! I am… Mega Fairy!"

VuVuVu~! _Vuum!_

Vooo~! _Vooo!_

Lunasa draws a violin and starts playing.

VriVriVrii~... _Vrii!_

A web of lasers spirals towards the sunflower fairy.

She points her sunflower at them. "Hah! That's no match for-"

Pi~chun!

Rest in pieces. She was cuddly while it lasted.

...The three sisters look at me.

"...Welcome." I begin.

Lunasa, as they call her, drifts towards me. "...I believe that's what we should be saying to you, is it not?" She smiles casually.

I shake my head. "No. Welcome to my house."

As fun as it was to ironically say that, I suddenly realize that could easily be taken the wrong way.

The red ghost smirks at me. "What's that? Am I hearing the crowd call for an encore?"

It goes over Merlin's head. "Nope! Pretty sure this is our house!"

Lunasa clears her throat… because ghosts need to do that, apparently. "...Right. In any case-"

Suddenly-

Bam!

Thud.

A bath tub fell through the ceiling, landing in the corner of the foyer. It was full of fluffles, and they were furiously snuggling. Dust flew through the air as fluffles were rapidly being produced from nothing inside the tub itself.

So that's what the thing was doing. Being a fluffy menace.

The red ghost groans. "Rea~lly!? More of these pests? Do they ever stop coming?"

Merlin pouts. "I still think they're kinda cute…"

Lunasa sighs. "Maybe we do need to ask Reimu to check this place out…"

I step forward. "There is no need."

The ghost sisters watch me as I walk forward towards the bath tub filled with fluff and assorted stuffs.

I draw my steel scissors. Last time I tried burning these things, it resulted in what could have potentially been a raging inferno. I kind of plan to leave with things from this manor, not to leave it with fire.

One of the fluffles on the tub stops and looks at me.

"friends! we have contact! friendly contact!"

"Waaal~!"

The wailing fluffle crawls up from the horde to meet the look-out. "Walaallalal? Waaal, -aaal~!"

Annoying fluffy noises.

The look-out looks to me. "we are taking… evasive action! brace for impact!"

Numerous fluffles then line up along the rims of the bath tub's edge. The fluffles inside grab onto the ones on the edge to support them.

Suddenly, dust is thrown around the room as all the fluffles on the rim begin flapping their fins.

The tub begins floating.

"full steam ahead friends" the look-out fluffle casually states. "go"

The tub slowly moves forward in the air.

No, I was not going to allow this crime against nature to leave this manor alive.

I approach the side of the tub, but as I do, some fluffles hop from it to engage me. I flail my scissors at them, deflecting them, but they just land on the floor and come for my ankles, prompting me to stomp them into oblivion.

"Waaal!"

Suddenly, the ground rumbles.

"...That doesn't sound good…" The red ghost reflects on it. Speaking of which, are they just going to stand and watch? It would be greatly valued if they fired that huge laser spiral of death at the bath tub, right now.

Fwaaaaa~sh!

A geyser shoots from the floor, suddenly sending me into the air.

"Haah!" I yell. I was genuinely surprised by that.

Looking down, I see that I _could_ try to hop into the bath tub from here, but seeing what was inside… I don't think that was a good idea.

Instead, I clumsily clipped the side of the tub, accidentally kicking aside some of the fliers. At least I got _some_ form of retaliation.

I'm caught by the blue ghost before I hit the floor. "Hey, hey, hey! That floor is ours and ours alone to scuff up! I'm gonna have to bust up your tub, little dudes!"

Merlin floats close to them, preparing to blare her trumpet, when numerous fluffles leap at her. Fortunately, she's not corporeal.

VoooVoooVooo~!

Thin lasers shot out, zapping some fluffles.

"Waaa~l!"

I take out my scissorangs. Time to put them to the test…!

I toss them forward, and allow for the string to get caught between some of the fliers…

"There we are."

The scissorang returns, pulling fliers with it.

"Waaal~!"

They let out a collective 'wal' of frantic fluffiness. They start squirming from the string, and numerous succeed, but then they return to a state of panic and begin flying around randomly.

The tub begins to dip towards the floor.

"mayday, friends! the voyage has been lost! women and children first!"

A fourth of the fluffles all line up on one corner of the tub, and the other fluffles see them off. They glided from the tub on one of those washboards used on clothes.

...The board collided with the floor, sending the fluffles into a hysterical state.

"Waaa~l!"

Meanwhile, I am currently being forced to flail wildly at oncoming hordes of frightened and frantic fluffles.

Swish! Swish! Swash! Swish!

"Waaa~l!"

VriVriVriVriVriiii~!

Lunasa's violin generated magical slices in the air.

Swash!

A few fluffles were cut at different angles that sliced through their entire tiny, dusty bodies.

"Waaa~l!" The fluffles angrily rushed her, but being incorporeal at will had its perks.

Thud!

"The tub has hit the floor!" Merlin exclaims, excited. "I repeat: the tub has hit the floor!"

The red ghost slams down on her keyboard. Unlike the time I did it, however, she does so skillfully, and with purpose.

 _Vuuuuu~!_

A wave of musical notes fly outward, pinging some fluffles and attracting their attention towards her.

"Shots fired!" Merlin cheers.

Seeing this as my opportunity, I near the fluffle tub. It had significantly less fluff, but there was still some kind of spawning system going on inside.

I peeked over the side of it.

Some fluffles stared up at me. One of them neared me.

"we have culture" it explained. Suddenly, it threw a ball of dust at my face.

I jerked my head back, the dust passing across my face as I closed my eyes. Ech…

I pull out my flame scissors. It was time to finish this viciously fluffy cycle, once and for all.

Reeling my arm back, I fling it forward and toss the scissors into the tub.

…

Fwoom!

"Waaa~l!"

The tub erupted abruptly into an inferno.

I backed up from the sudden heat. The fliers had entirely abandoned the tub and were making sure to avoid the inferno inside.

"W-what? Fire!" The red ghost shouted, noticing the tub. "Merlin! Do the thing with the water!"

"Roger dodger, Lyrica!"

VooVoo~ Voooo~!

A series of bubbles shot from the trumpet, floating until they were over the flames, then popped. The result was water splashing down into the fire below, steadily putting it out. When it was done, the tub was filled with charred fluffle limbs and ash-tinted mud.

...There were still a bunch of fluffles making a mess of the foyer, though.

Lunasa looked to Lyrica, and nodded.

"On it!" Lyrica nodded back.

Lyrica floated into the center of the foyer.

"Noise Sign! Soul Noise Flow!"

Lunasa floated up next to me. "I think you should find some place to hide." With that, she floated into the floor, the ghostly coward.

Merlin floats into the floor as well.

…

Since I, too, am practically in the center of the foyer, I do the only thing that makes sense.

...I start grabbing fluffles from the air and floor, and begin using them to construct a shield of fluffles to protect me from the incoming shitstorm. As I did so, they emit fluffy coos. 

"huhuhuhu"

"waaal"

"hug"

…

I crouch under a thin covering of a few docile ones.

Lyrica brings her hand across her keyboard.

VuVuVuVuVu _VuVu!_

A series of red and blue arced bullets came out in waves, but only briefly. They effortlessly washed away the rest of the fluffles in the room, and my shield tanked the entirety of the few waves sent out.

...A few fluffles of my shield were still alive by the end of it, but now they're docile and cooperative. I still think they should be slain, to avoid another occurrence like the one that just happened.

The other two float up through the floor again.

"Quick thinking." Lunasa comments on my fluffle shield.

"Naturally." I return, pocketing my scissors.

Merlin floated over to the bath tub. "...Eew~! We're going to need to get this cleaned, now!"

Lyrica floated over to examine it with her. "...I don't know how that happened, but it did. At least the rodents are dead."

"What will I use to bathe, now~?" Merlin whines, hunching over in the air.

"We don't bathe." Lunasa corrects her.

Merlin jerks her head back, and turns to her. "Nuh-uh! We do too!"

"...Alright, we don't _need_ to bathe. When was the last time we actually did it for luxury, though?" Lunasa admits to having taken a ghost bath.

Lyrica put a hand to her chin. "Well… I'd say a few weeks or so ago, actually."

"I wouldn't count a large scale flood as bathing. We should be thankful those wards held for as long as they did, or we would have lost the manor." Lunasa brings up the Great Gensokyian flood of eighteen two.

By the way, what the hell am I doing standing here idly listening to some _ghosts_ bicker about their bathing patterns?

I put up my hands to try and garner attention.

"Oo~h, I remember that…" Merlin recollects the flood. "All the water was nice! But thinking of losing the mansion… that's a little scary!"

I clear my throat. "Ahem…"

"I still think we should really tell that miko about the recent problems, here…" Lyrica argues. "I hear she solves a _ton_ of problems, and solves them _fast_. I think we should take our chances with her."

I doubt she'd help, and if it's about the fluffles, you can forget about it. Anyway…

"I would like to add!..." I begin loudly.

The ghost girls finally quiet down and look at me.

"...that I am here to liberate your manor of material goods. Please, and thank you."

…

"Respectfully declined." Lunasa smiles at me.

"...What?" Merlin was confused.

"He's a thief." Lyrica summarizes.

"...Oo~h."

…

...I'd threaten them with force, but last time I checked, you can't stab ghosts. I learned that the hard way.

That, and I think they have sufficient firepower to light me up like the Fourth of July.

"...This situation has become difficult." I voice out loud.

Lunasa shrugs. "I find it quite refreshing, actually. Nice to see a new face now and again."

"Do you really _need_ to steal?" Lyrica folds her arms, allowing her keyboard to float of its own accord.

"...No, but yes." I respond.

"...That doesn't make sense." Lyrica glares at me.

Because ghosts with laser trumpets makes perfect sense.

I would like to reiterate: Laser trumpets.

"...Whatever, look…" Lyrica hovers up to me. "...If you need cash or something, we've got a few spare yen. Don't think about taking out any loans, though!"

I raise a brow. "How much can I expect?"

She shrugs. "...Uhh…"

"Five thousand yen, at most." Lunasa lays down the law.

"...Six thousand." I barter.

"Three thousand." Lunasa readjusts.

I fold my arms stubbornly. "Six. Thousand."

"One thousand."

"Six. Thousand."

Lunasa sighs. "...I don't think I need to tell you this, but… you're trying to argue the price of a _donation_ with me."

I shrug, smiling. "Yeah, so, six thousand, right?"

"Five hundred."

I nod, still smiling. "Five thousand it is…"

I tried.

Lunasa smiles back. "Very well, then."

She turns to her sister clad in red. "Lyrica, would you be a dear and fetch five thousand yen from the savings?"

I must know where said savings are located.

Lyrica phases into the floor.

...I have a feeling I'm not going to learn where the savings are located.

Actually, I'd like to know where _ghosts_ got their money from in the first place.

I raise a finger. "...Say, how might a band of ghosts have acquired funds of some sort?"

Merlin decides to answer my question. "By being a band!"

…

Well, they did have instruments.

"...To elaborate, most of our income comes from the occasional spring time performance offered by miss Saigyouji. She invites us to perform every cherry blossom viewing to perform, and rewards us quite handsomely."

Hmm. So Yuyuko _was_ stacked after all… although that's something I pretty much already knew. When your best friend is Yukari, I don't think money is a worldly problem anymore.

Lyrica returns with the money.

"Here you go…"

I open my hands and receive the yen.

"Don't go wasting it all. Especially since you came to us and begged for it!" Lyrica sternly instructs me.

I nod. "I'm going to spend the entirety of it on magically enhanced scissors, or candy."

…

"...Whatever floats your boat." Lyrica gives up, drifting away slowly.

"...I, for one, think candy is a viable investment strategy." Merlin suddenly contributes.

"What you do with your money is your own business…" Lunasa smiles a little warily.

…

I look around. "So, this place… does it, by chance, have any magical tomes?" The chance I could read them was literally between one percent and zero, but it wouldn't hurt to look around.

"...I don't think you need to know that." Lunasa stiffly replies.

"Oo~h, yeah…!" Merlin remembers something. "She _was_ a caster, wasn't she…?"

"Merlin." Lunasa loudly called to her sister.

"Hah?" Merlin tilted her head, a little taken by the tone of her sister's voice.

"This man doesn't need to know anything about her." Lunasa flatly replies.

…

"I-I see…" Merlin nods in understanding. "Sorry."

…

"So there are tomes, I presume?"

"Don't even think about it." Lunasa cautions me.

"I don't know… I'm thinking about it…" I warily tell her.

"I might need to ask you to leave, and not come back, then." Lunasa's expression is still the same as before.

I shrug. "Well, you can _ask_ me to leave…"

"...Oh, silly me. I meant that it might be in your best interest… to stay, and listen to a performance."

Lunasa brings up her violin, ready to play.

I shake my head. "Sorry. Terribly sorry, about that, but I don't think I have the money to pay for it."

…

"We gave you some." Lunasa was not taking the funny business at this moment, apparently.

I shake my head again. "No, no, you see… I've mentally allocated it to my candy fund already. As such, I cannot spend it on a private performance."

A shame, really.

Lunasa closes her eyes. "Oh, don't worry about that. The only price you'll pay is one you need not concern yourself with."

Merlin was just watching the exchange from the sidelines, conflicted.

...Well, I should probably book it, now. I seem to have made the authority figure here prissy, again.

...Even so, I was determined to leave here with _something._

"...All I ask is a simple spell. Magic. A card trick, even." I try to reason.

…

"Fine. Come with me." Lunasa replies after a moment's hesitation. She moves to the front door, and phases through it.

I walk up to it, and it's locked, even on the inside.

Thanks.

…

The door clicks, and Lunasa opens it. She promptly continues to hover into the yard with no wasted words.

I follow her out.

"Aaaaeee~hhh!"

That. Fucking. Plant thing.

It was _still here_.

She turns to it.

"...You want to learn magic, do you?" Lunasa smiles casually at me, but I know it's laced with hostile intent. "Then you'll need to know the gravity of a spell's actions."

She then looks over at a nearby shrub.

"...Like this."

Vrii…

She plays a brief chord on her violin. An orb of darkness materializes over the shrub, and slowly expands downward, producing a flowy noise as it did so.

Fwoaahhh…

Once half of the orb was in the floor, it vanished, leaving a very faint black mark where it was, which quickly vanished too.

Crack!

The shrub was crushed against the Earth, now flat as the leaves under it.

"It's technically a darkness spell." She explains. "It's more about physics, though. I call it Gravity."

Original.

"...The forms I can cast of it are vastly more complex and powerful than what a human like you could do. I'll just give you the template _she_ first used."

Lunasa suddenly shoots towards me, and her form passes through me.

Wha-

/ / / / ?'S PERSPECTIVE / / / /

" _Hah!"_

 _I threw my arms forward, feeling the magic flow through my arms, through my fingertips…_

 _Nothing._

 _I referred back to my notes… What had went wrong? Surely, it couldn't be hard to magically apply force within a given area. If it was so hard, why was telekinetic manipulation so easy?_

 _Perhaps…_

 _Flipping through my diagrams, I stopped on my papers for the Poltergeist Project._

" _Later…" I couldn't even get started on that, yet. Not until I was adept at the arts that create the foundations for such an endeavor._

…

 _I'll try it again, then._

" _...Ha~h!"_

 _Throwing my arms forward once more, I tried again…_

 _Fwoo…_

…

 _Something had happened that time. Some kind of force was exerted._

 _I had been going about this all wrong._

 _I take my current notes on the spell, and crumple them up._

 _I turn to the potted plant again, and throw my arms forward._

" _...Gravity!"_

 _Fwooaahhh…_

 _Crack!_

…

…

/ / / / MATT'S PERSPECTIVE / / / /

I blink. What the hell just happened?

"...I don't know if that worked, and I don't know what you saw. Cast Gravity on that." She points to the plant monster. "If you can. If you cannot, then simply do not, and I'll teach you something else.

I contemplate on not casting it, but I don't know if I can cast it right now in the first place. Despite me thinking this, my body moves on its own.

"Gravity!"

Fwooaaahh…

"Aaaeee~hhh!"

Crack!

…

Fi~nally. The damned hell beast was dead.

...Shouting gravity like some JRPG hero was pretty cringe worthy, I had to admit. For whatever reason, it just came out.

Lunasa blinked. "...Faster than I expected. You had no qualms about killing that youkai?"

...I hold my arms out. "It was a plant."

"...Yes, but-"

"A plant. A living shrub. A fucking nuisance!"

…

"...I see."

…

"You have what you want." Lunasa stated, her expression flat and stoic. "Leave. If I see you again, it had best not be on the property of my sisters and I."

...She then smiles. "May we meet on more friendly terms, yes?"

Still more free than America, even if everyone tells you to leave all the time. 10/10 IGN, needs more lolis.

With that, I turn around and leave, satisfied. I don't know what the hell I just learned, but it was something.

...I continue into the woods. I guess I'll just keep going until I reach the lake, or something.

/ / / / haKUNA MATATA… means more FLUFFLES, for the REST OF YOUR DAYS / / / /

I reached the lake. The sun was beginning to set, and when I looked to the right, I saw explosions lighting up the manor in the distance.

Again, let us not do that. Explosions were never an ideal environment for me.

Instead, I think I'll head back in the direction of the shrine. That place should be safe from violent night terrors and the likes, at least.

As I walk down the path in the day's dusk, I see a figure traveling along it.

I brace myself for potential combat. Continuing forward, neither of us seem to have any intention of deviating from the path.

…

Nearing in on the figure, I could tell it was a youkai. She had black hair, and a pair of animal ears of some form.

…

Seeing as the creature had no intention of deviating from my path, I debated abandoning the trail temporarily to try and avert an encounter, on the chance this youkai wasn't one for negotiations.

...I do away with that notion. Considering I had that dark orb spell thing and could make saw blades rain from the heavens, I think I'd be fine against anything squishy.

…

The moment of truth, we're about to pass one another.

"Evening." she says, passing me.

…

She continues to walk away behind me.

Hmm. Not as… suspenseful as I'd have preferred. Or eventful. I suppose I should be thankful, but at the same time, I was eager to test out my spells.

I'm sure I'd see more fluffles, soon.

/ / / / IT'S A PROBLEM-FREE~... PHILOSOPHY / / / /

That large staircase never gets old. If I ever owned a fortress, I would invest in giant asshole stairs. The enemy army would be dead by the time they got up them.

I casually waltz in the great Hakurei Disjointed Doorway. To more accurately describe it, I mean the only thing standing at the moment is still that one doorway from before.

There was a 'tent' set up on the other side of the doorway, which was actually just a kotatsu blanket propped on wooden beams which were mounted into the floor.

...I crawl inside.

Reimu is hunched up in one corner. "Life is rough."

"Very." Youmu agrees.

"Quite." I concur.

…

"We~ll…" Reimu begins. "Look who decided to show up."

Youmu looks at me tiredly. "Where were you…?"

I nod warmly. "On a journey."

Youmu just sighs back in response, burying her face in her knees.

The night gradually got darker, in addition to an overcast starting to set in.

Thus, the Gensokyian night was pitch black after a good few moments.

"...Well, then. I guess we're not going anywhere tonight, unless we want to spam danmaku just to see." Reimu states plainly. "Good night."

I hear shifting, which is probably Reimu getting into a lying position.

Normally I do well with the dark, but a dark night plus overcast plus being under something that obstructs light with no light-producing resources? Problems.

I don't hear Youmu say anything, or shift herself much, even. Either she's still awake or she fell asleep in a uncomfortable ball. There wasn't much way for me to tell.

…

Now I am anxious to explore the night, except I'm also bored because everything's essentially black right now.

I hear a whistle come from outside the impromptu tent. My curiosity gets the better of me and I lift up the blanket to check.

Outside I see a source of faint light being provided by some manner of glowing particles. I crawl out to investigate…

The voice of a woman comes from near the particles of light. "...The hell happened here?"

I raise a brow, but say nothing. I slowly stand and move towards her…

The particles are being projected into the air by the hand of this woman, apparently. She waves her hand through the air, revealing her entire figure. She has a blue outfit on, green hair, and...

She's a _ghost_.

Yes, again.

What is it with me and ghosts?

"You're not fooling anyone, buddy. It's been a long time since anything with _that_ much killing intent snuck up on me, let me tell you… I'd know from experience! Hahaha~... death jokes." She laughs at her own joke.

…

"I've had enough of ghosts, for one day." I tell her.

I lie down on the ground abruptly.

Thud.

Perhaps _too_ abruptly.

"...Humans are a lot freakier than they used to be." The ghost woman shakes her head.

Hmm. Maybe she can answer a few questions.

"Have you any siblings?" I raise my finger into the air.

"...Not as far as I'm aware." She shakes her head.

"Have you made any ghosts?" Question of truth, here.

"...No. I'm more into elements and stuff." Well, then...

"What color is your underwear?"

She looks down and checks. "...Why don't you look and see for yourself?"

I look, and see a ghost tail.

…

"It's an important question, normally." I justify myself.

"That further proves my point." She stares down at me quizzically. "What the hell happened to humanity?"

"Suffering." Basically.

"...I see."

…

"So, you know what happened here?" She gestures to the shrine, waving her hands around and spreading more of those particles.

"What did I just say?" Second verse, same as the first.

"...I take it you don't, then." She nods, looking away.

…

"Why are _you_ here?" I point at her now.

"Nothing of interest to you, I'm sure." She grins.

"You would not believe how bored I am right now." The boredom is real.

She rolls her eyes. "I'm pretty sure my situation's about as equally boring to whatever yours is. Unless you've been sitting in place for days at a time, I don't think you could top me."

I have, in fact, had to sit in place for days at a time. Hakugyokurou doesn't have many things to do for fun, and stealing Youmu's kitchen supplies periodically in the dead of night is only fun until she starts hiding spares in unorthodox places.

Some Wi-Fi wouldn't kill is all I'm trying to say here, Yuyuko. Though, now that the place is under siege, I don't think that really means much now.

"...It's a long story, but I'm more bored than that." I tell her.

"Yeah, sure, Sir Killgore. What're you even _doing_ with that much intent? Someone kill your brother or something? Father? Sister?... Fish? Rock?..." She trails off.

"Boredom."

She blinks. "...Aa~h, you're one of _those_ types. I don't know what the hell any of you are thinking, so I'm just not going to bother. You might want night vision or something, because I don't think you'll be doing whatever it is that you do in this amount of darkness."

Yeah, I think I got that already.

She begins to hover off into the night, leaving a trail of light particles behind her.

"Don't even think about following me, by the way. You'll die." She calls back from afar.

I would, but I think she's right about that last bit. She's a ghost, so if something jumps her, she can just choose to ignore it. Me, on the other hand…

…

I move back towards the tent. I may be bored, but I'm not suicidal. Yet, anyway.

/ / / / FLUFFUNA MATATA / / / /

CHAPTER 24.5 END

PROTAGONIST: Matthew, the Debatably Sane Outsider, Lord of Edges

PRIMARY WEAPON: Bloodied Steel Scissors - Stained lightly with fresh blood from a young human female. Sharp, shiny-ish, and to the point!

INVENTORY:

Steel scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Quick Scissorang - Non-elemental scissors that are enchanted to return to the owner with ferocity. Not that powerful of a weapon, but combined with strong string it can be used like a powerful grappling hook. Looks like it belongs in a Barbie catalog.

Flame Scissors - Fire-elemental scissors that have an incendiary effect on strike. Boosts fire magic and abilities, as if I had any.

Steel-alloy String - An experimental item provided by Alice as part of her testing. She uses these herself to manage her dolls, or so I'm told.

A Tuft of Cloth Strings - Pink, regular cotton string. It's soft, and clean.

A Fluffy Hooligan - Soft, and warm to the touch. Ech!

Book of Rebomb - Teaches basic and advanced bomb magic. Written in some fantastical language, so I can't read it.

(2 more empty spaces)

PARTY:

Rebomb Fluffle - Soft, and warm to the touch. Ech! Has a gag on to keep it from casting Rebomb over and over again, which would be a very bad time.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Rebomb - Advanced bomb spell that blows up the nearby vicinity with random bombs. Very random damage.

INVENTORY:

Finsticuffs.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

finally gave matt GRAVITY, a fun spell that's probably marginally useless against most gensokyo things, but is still fun overall

it's from Kingdom Hearts, by the way- a really fun game back when i was a kid, and despite the LACKING STORY in the disney worlds, the gameplay's super satisfying for me and shows a lot of consideration

...anyway, hello prismrivers, i've had you in my "PEOPLE TO MEET" queue for QUITE AWHILE NOW but only now have i decided to properly BUST YOU OUT, and even got matt a NEW SPELL out of it

if you can't tell by now, the overarching combat trope of this fic is IMPROVISATION, which means whatever we go up against we're probably going to be eternally MEEK but CAPABLE IF WE DO THINGS RIGHT / WITHIN CERTAIN CONTEXTS, something exemplified mostly in how my guy keeps getting his ass kicked for overestimating himself (ca/n which he does in real life too) (a/n TO AN EXTENT, MAYBE…)

...i'll close this author's note with how my GIANT URSULA FIGHT WENT…

==== welcome ====

Ursula raised the trident into the air. "This won't be pretty!"

Sora casted a spell. Many spells, in fact. "Force! Gravity! Force! Here!"

Ursula's face was bombarded by spheres of gravity.

Crash! Bang! Boom!

"Someone, please!" Ariel called out, getting fried alive by an underwater thunderstorm.

"Haa~elp!" Goofy wailed, getting electrocuted.

"Force! Gravity! Take that! Force!"

Thwack! Sora flinched, but grinned masochistically, his MP being recharged by the damage.

"Sora!" Goofy gifted his MP to Sora.

"Sora!" Ariel reinforced Sora's wind shield.

"This won't be pretty!"

"Force! Gravity! Here! Gravity!"

This vicious cycle of violence continued until everyone ran out of resources to keep it going, and Sora got sniped by an unluckily timed thunderbolt.

==== fun ====

CO-AUTHOR'S NOTE:

ur gonna have a bath, tim

i dont know whats going on up there ^

but down here it's safe and secure… to an extent

overall, this was fun… and that's pretty much it. there's still some things i'd like to do, but they may occur later on

also haku-whatever-the-frik is under siege by large fluffy abominations, so i shouldn't be back there for a while, for better or worse!

have fun


	29. From over Here to over There

(in which we go from over here to over there)

Now, to figure out how to get Meiling from over here to over there… to over _anywhere_!

...Alright, that might be pushing it, but still.

Staring at the wall in front of me, and at the manor's newly constructed front, I put on a brave face and start doing a jig in place.

"...Your mannerisms are worrying me." Meiling commented, staring warily at me being a weirdo.

"Yeah, well, I'm a chuckster!" I exclaim. I sit with my legs crossed on Meiling's torso, and she…

…

Apparently doesn't mind, since she's not saying anything. Just gotta make sure not to poke the-

"By the way, you touch anywhere you shouldn't, and I'll probably come out of my half-comatose state to kick your ass." Meiling put it simply.

"I _kno~w_ , I _kno~w_ , friend." I wave her off. "By the way, I'm a chuckster." I restated.

"I don't know what that means." Meiling deadpans.

"It means I've got a degree in chucksterology!"

Meiling shakes her head. "I guess I'm not finding out…"

I slam the ground in front of us with the Bawmber.

Blam!

I fly off Meiling, but she's left sitting there. I fly into the wall.

"Oof!"

...I slowly slide to the floor.

"Good one." Meiling commented. "Really breaking new ground, here."

I would have to find a different approach…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Returning from the mansion with paper and a quill from Patchy- which I had to freakin' fight life and limb for, mind you- but let us not get into that…!

I shudder.

Anyway… I had to get this show on the road!

Sitting down next to Meiling, I laid the paper out on the grass…

"Alright, friend, here's what we's gonna do…"

I start drawing.

"...I can't really see like this." Meiling comments.

"We shall create the device."

"...What?" She didn't know what to think of that response.

Sakuya appeared! She pops in next to Meiling and leans over her.

"...I don't know what you're doing, but the mistress requests you at the moment. Do make haste."

"Wait, hold-"

Sakuya was gone.

Meiling sighs. "...Well, whatever 'this device' is, you'd better make it quickly."

I grin. "Alright, yo. Fuck waitin' for Remilia to get to ya on her own; Brad's gonna deliver to her!"

…

I stand up from the plans. "In that case, we won't need plans!"

Meiling looked at me- as best she could, anyway. "I trust that uh… you know what you're doing?"

Yeah, no. You _know_ I don't, _I know_ I don't.

"...Maybe!"

Gotta instill some confidence!

Meiling'd be shaking her head- if she could.

Cue the montage of trying to build this thing!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I had a frame of wood sticks set up around Meiling, and I'd tied some ropes to her legs.

"Knock knock, open up the door, it's real!" I shout, trying to find a way to make the wooden sticks work as some form of support beam.

Meiling looks concerned. "...I'd prefer you didn't sound like you're losing it while building… this."

I run off to grab this large chunk of metal I found in the woods near the manor. It was basically a big, shiny rock, and I couldn't do shit with it.

It was still shiny though, so it was good for morale.

I slowly stomp back to Meiling, carrying it slowly.

"It's… the non-stop… pop-pop… of stainless stee~l!" I drop the giant metal chunk next to Meiling, and it makes a nice _thunk_ in the dirt, slightly embedding itself.

"...I'm worried." Meiling restates.

I start air-humping. "Work hard gettin' _busy_ with it!"

"No. Making me watch sex will not get me to move, believe it or not." Meiling deadpans.

I run off to find _another_ large chunk of useless steel. I kinda would like to know why there's a bunch of steel just around, but that's probably a different convolutedly long tale.

I slowly stomp back to Meiling with it…

I continued reciting lyrics in a strained voice. "...Damn right… and I'll do it again…"

Thunk!

"..." Meiling just stares into the air.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I now had some tall pole things made of bundled sticks and shit! I also summoned more of those wooden blocks to make a giant pile, and then I climbed up them precariously to tie the ropes to the top of the wall's spikes. On the other side of the gate, I had the two giant steel chunks lying next to each other. I was gonna use it like a pulley thing, or something.

"Brad's gonna _deliver_ to ya…" I nod, satisfied at the work so far. The sun was going down, by now…

Meiling was now lying in a comfortable position. "...You know, I'm pro~bably good enough to go myself, now."

I turn to her. "What, and ruin the plot?"

She smiled. "Yeah. Mistress can wait. I'm still relaxing…" With that, Meiling stretched. "...I know I didn't ask earlier, but what's with the ropes?"

"Reasons." I elucidate. I look back at the pulley system, wondering how the hell I was going to make it work…

The idea was that the shaft of sticks was going to be like an elevator, but I abandoned that idea halfway because Meiling's weight would probably break them no matter what. Instead, I was going to make gravity work for me with this pulley system. Hopefully two giant chunks of steel would be enough to pull Meiling up and over the walls.

Oh, right, I also had to get Meiling over the spikes somehow. I mean, I don't think she'd be hurt badly if she got skewered a little, but I don't think she'd be _happy_ with that. Y'know, the most important part of a delivery is not breaking the goods, so…

...Also, Meiling seems to be immune to knockback, if my attempt at exploding next to her had proven anything. Or she just had really high resistance… or maybe I just did really low knockback.

"...Reasons, huh." Meiling yawns. "...Wake me up when you've got more reasons, or something…"

She closes her eyes.

I yawn myself, but shake it off. Freakin'...

Anyway…!

…

I clumsily clamber up the wooden block stack near the spikes at the top. I had tried to stack over them, but that'd involve way too many blocks. Probably.

Wait, wasn't I supposed to get her to Remilia?

…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

It was the dead of night. I was forced to light piles of wooden blocks on fire to make light; the night was so dark. I blame the clouds. If it began raining, I woulda freakin' got blown away.

I also went crazy with the Bawmber in the woods to break some rocks. If I wanted to pull Meiling up to Remilia's room, I was gonna need _a lot_ of rocks.

It's a good thing the wooden blocks take a piss poor amount of mana to make, because I made a _fucking_ lot of them. I even had to take a break halfway through to exist and uh… let my mana regen? I have no idea what my regen rate is.

Meiling was comfortably snoozing at the base of Mount Blockmore. The incline went straight up and over the gate. I had used a multitude of stick bundles to try and contain the block slope but they eventually proved ineffectual. I couldn't really upgrade, because as far as I was concerned, stone was out of my jurisdiction. Don't even get me started on metals…

Continuing, the incline didn't stop. It kept going up to the recently constructed roof level of the manor. Just by the way, there wasn't a _roof_ yet- the hallways of this level that were constructed were open to the kinda brisk night air. When I said roof level, I mean the construction made the front face of the manor.

I also needed like, ten rope extensions. Remilia's room was quite some way from the manor gates.

Speaking of which, she was also moving into her new room on the top floor! Walking along the temporary plywood paths where the roof would eventually be, I looked down into Remilia's room…

She looks up at me. "...What the hell are _you_ doing up there?"

I point at her. "I'm gon' _deliver_ to ya."

"...What?..." She shakes her head. "...Just don't break anything. Or anyone. Except yourself. I'd be perfectly fine if you broke yourself."

...I don't think I could blatantly build into Remilia's room… but I cou~ld stop just before her door.

I backtrack to the bit of platforming before her door. Alright, all I need to do is set the pulley system up here, and maybe make like a plywood ramp or something.

…

Scratch that last thing, because outside of bundling ropes and making blocks, I can't build worth shit!

I'll just uh… try and guide her along the platforms already here, or something.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

It is time to activate the device!

I drop one of the steel chunks on the pulley, and it lowers slightly. Woo!

I drop another one and it lowers slightly. Um…

...After dropping a few more, progress becomes more and more tangible.

I hear the ropes move, and I also hear the unpleasant noises of Meiling sliding up the slope of wooden blocks up the entire side of the manor. She reaches the top-

Thud…

...and flops onto the plywood. She rips across the paths-

Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang!

...taking out various metal frames on the way.

Eventually, she finally reaches the pulley system, and flies over the gap into Remilia's room, clipping the wall-

Bam!

-as she did so.

"H-hah!?" Remilia jumps up from her tea table.

I look in, and Meiling was _still_ sleeping. That's a job well done, yo!

Remilia looked down at her. "...Took you long enough."

...I wanted to find a way to jump in, so I just carefully edged my way along until I got to the side Remilia's bed was at, and hopped in.

Crea~k!

...It didn't break. Hmm.

"...I take it you know why Meiling was literally a day late from when I expected her? I even took a nap in between the time I called for her and the time she actually got here. She's not even awake!" Remilia gestures to the sleeping gate guard.

"I had to find a way to get her from there to here without carrying her!" I place my arms at my hips proudly!

"Why wouldn't you just carry her?" Remilia asks the obvious question.

I wave an arm around. "...You seein' this? These arms, they're like noodles!"

...I mean, I guess they weren't _that_ bad, but I wasn't givin' anyone tickets to the gun show anytime soon.

Remilia blinks. "...How did you even do it, then?"

I grin. "Very carefully."

…

"Sakuya!"

She appears! It's like Sakuya-on-demand television, yo.

"Yes, Mistress?"

Remilia points at me. "Explore the method he used to get Meiling inside."

"Understood."

Sakuya gets fancy and teleports in front of me when she very easily coulda just walked. She stares at me expectantly.

"...Look outside."

She's gone.

...I fold my arms.

She's back!

"..." Sakuya looks immensely conflicted, eyebrows furrowed.

...Remilia looks at her. "Sakuya? Did you find anything out?"

She nods.

"...How did he do it, then?"

"Very carefully." Sakuya explains.

Remilia pouts. "U~gh… You too? Fine, I'll go see for myself, then!"

She moves to the door, and slams it behind her as she leaves.

…

"...I'm not cleaning that up, by the way." Sakuya adds once Remilia is gone. "I already cleaned up that last catastrophe you made of the halls. _Helped_ clean, rather, since a team was required to rework that bit of hallway you did. This time we're just going to need a landfill to dump all that wood."

I shrug. "Doesn't this place have a boiler room? Just burn it in there, you'll be fine."

She nods. "I suppose."

…

Remilia returns before long. Wordlessly, she moves to her tea table.

"...Mistress?"

She turns to Sakuya. "I don't even know, Sakuya. Meiling'll clean it up when she wakes up, with the aid of _you._ " Remilia points to me. "Yes, you. You somehow put them all there, so you can take them back."

To be honest, I'd really rather not!... Besides, I'm sure Meiling can just throw them into Gensokyo's aether or something for her morning workout, so I don't think I'll need to actually help her.

"Sure." I nod gingerly.

"Good."

...Remilia looks for a tea cup when there wasn't one, then pauses. "...Sakuya, could you fetch me some tea?"

Pfft.

"As you wish, Mistress."

In a blink, Remilia has her tea cup with tea in it.

...Sip.

I have spent way too much time in the sipping lounge! I need to see more places in Gensokyo!

…

I look up into the pitch black sky.

Maybe not tonight, but tomorrow morning I gots to go somewhere and explore! Somewhere that's not the human village!

Now, to find some sleeping arrangements…

…

I try crawling under Remilia's bed.

"...What are you- no. No, get out of there."

Sakuya drags me out from under the bed by my ankles.

"...Daw." I pout.

"Thank you, Sakuya." Remilia goes back to her tea.

Sip.

...

I stand, and gingerly approach the bed. Sakuya appears in my way.

"I do not believe that would be within Mistress' best interests."

I furrow my brows. "What, she doesn't like sleeping on the couch?"

Remilia pipes in. "No, I do not, in fact, like to sleep on haphazard furniture like you do."

I blink as if astonished. "But, Remilia, you've slept in coffins before, right?"

…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I land outside Remilia's door.

"Sakuya, make sure he sleeps anywhere but a bed tonight." Remilia smirks at me as she slams the door.

Sakuya appears next to me, probably to see out that punishment.

Pfft. I was planning on curling up on one of the hallway sofas anyway…

Why does the hallway need sofas, anyway? The fairies will probably just become one with them and freakin' destroy them or something.

...Though, now you realize, I must sleep on the hallway sofas in the most extravagant manner possible.

I move up to one and begin sliding it down the hall. I'm stopped by an opposing force, which actually pushes me back with ease.

Looking up, I see that Sakuya is pushing against the other side of the sofa.

"You're not about to disturb the hallway on a whim. At least, not the hallway immediately outside the Mistress' quarters." Sakuya explains to me.

...I'm still kinda surprised at how Sakuya freakin' overpowered me. Her forearms are like… are like _mine_! Mine aren't that great! How's she so freakin'...

I throw my hands up in defeat. "Alright- oof!"

Sakuya shoved the sofa into me, forcing me to fall onto it.

"My apologies."

Some of the fancy scarlet pillows on each end of the sofa fall over. Oh no.

I attempt to get up, but suddenly a large force is dumped on my back.

"Wooaah!" I call out, flailing my arms outward. Looking around, I see locks of Meiling's bright hair.

Meiling musta been dumped on my back- and in a very unsatisfying position, too! Our backs are touching, so no marshmallow action… and she's too freakin' heavy for me to _think_ of budging.

I look outward, and see Sakuya bending over to look at me.

"Just relax. I'm tired, too. No shenanigans tonight." Sakuya instructs me in a hushed tone. "Besides, I'm killing two birds with one stone like this."

No shenanigans!? I'd object, but I've been kinda bamboozled here. I suppose I was tired after all that freakin' shenaniganry earlier, but yo… I still had fight in me!

"If you need help… don't."

With that, Sakuya leaves. I snort.

If you need help… just don't. Stop needing help.

...I try squirming a bit. I think I could get out from under Meiling with a bit of effort, but why pass up this opportunity? The couch was surprisingly velvety, too, so~...

…

If only Meiling were a little lighter, so it wouldn't feel like I was getting crushed by like, another mattress…

…

…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

 _Some fluffles and I sit around an egg made of dirt._

" _its the legendary sand bird egg!" One of the fluffles stands and raises its fins._

 _Aww._

 _It hatches, and a fluffle pokes its head out, extending its fins. It's all dusty._

 _I grab it and hug it, and nuzzle it. Dust whirls around in the air as I shove my nose into the fluffle's forehead…_

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I sneeze. "Achaah! Oof…"

Aaauugh, morning grogginess…

"Legendary sand bird…" I murmur. It was cuddly.

...I was on the floor, apparently. Sitting up, I see that Meiling had booted me off and claimed the couch for herself.

It was day now, if the roof's absence told me anything.

I stretch. "Welcome, world…!"

It's time to do the things…!

...I feel like there was something I was supposed to do. Eh. Y'know, that nagging feeling where it's like 'son you forgot something'. I'll probably remember when I'm like, half a mile away from the mansion.

I begin to make my way from the manor…

…

In the halls, I pass lady luck!

"Hello, friend!" I wave at Seven.

She jumps. "H-...Hey."

I approach her. "Fluffnuggets, huh?"

She looks befuddled at my hypothetical question. "Uh… I guess?"

I nod gingerly. "Yeah…" I look down at the ground, as if crestfallen.

…

"So, how've you been- how's the weather- who are you?" I bombard her with questions.

"A-ah, good- great- um…?" She gets backed up by the question surge.

"...What are you!?" I yell, backing away fearfully.

She freezes. "W-wait, stop! I'm not going to hurt you!"

"Aaaa~h, aaaa~h!" Aaaaa~h, aaaa~h!

I flee back into the halls!

"No! Come back! Please!" She tries to dash after me…

…

She actually flies after me, and starts to catch up because my running speed sucks without buffs.

…

"Haa~h, haa~h, haa~h…" Running this fast, this early? Oof… the only reason I pulled off against Keine earlier was because of that freakin' hanger!

Seven catches up fully and grabs me from behind, stopping my movement.

I kick at the air. "I've got gotten! Gal go!" Waa~u!

Seven sighs. "...Calm down. Please. You're making a scene…"

...There wasn't many fairies around right now. There were a few, but they don't seem like they care that much. A _couple_ were staring at us.

"...I wanna make a scene, yo! We gotta act out! Like, dude…" I try to move in an abstract way, but it doesn't go well while I'm bound by the fairy girl. I do manage to tip her off her balance, and we fall over.

I try to roll away, but she grabs onto my arm.

"W-what's your problem!?" She shouts, glaring at me. "I don't wanna hurt you!"

I turn to her as best I can on the floor. "...I know. I just felt like being an asshole."

…

"Well. Good job." Seven lets go of me.

We take a moment to get up…

"You still afraid of boxes, friend?" Ha-chan laid her life on the line for you, yo.

Speaking of, where the frik is she? Hmm.

"...Y-yes…" Seven looks away, blushing. "...I-I never knew… they preyed on fairies…"

 _There's_ the lovably retarded fairy side. She was too much of a normal person in most of these conversations!

"Look, yo. I'll teach you to tame boxes someday…"

She shakes her head furiously. "N-no! Not again!"

She runs off…

…

Time to skedaddle!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I depart from the front gate, and remember to flip off the fluffle at the fluffle stand.

"Get out, friend."

Its shell nose raises in surprise, and I shake my head.

"Freakin' noobs…"

I leave for the lake. Maybe I should stop at the Hakurei Shrine first, to get my bearings…

…

Continuing down the path, I near the lake…

"Freeze!"

Komi leaps from some bushes!

"We got you!"

Koi leaps out behind me.

"...Hi."

Namori steps out from behind a tree.

I wave at them. "Hello, friends!"

Komi walks up to me. "...Aren't you forgetting something?"

I shake my head. "Nuh… no." I mean yes.

"Yes, you are." Komi corrects. "That librarian sent us out here to watch for you, incase you tried… 'shirking' your end of the agreement, as she called it."

I shrug.

Komi grabs me by the shoulders, and turns me around. "Go do that, or something. We gotta follow you, too."

I raise a brow. "Couldn't'ave Sakuya just left a note or something, or uh-"

"How am I supposed to know!?" Komi snaps. "...Look, me and Koi need to hurry. We got a fifty-two card pick up tournament to attend, and if we're not on time, our panties are going to be hung on the Mistress' door handle!"

I start to walk rea~lly slowly…

"Y'know, maybe I'll talk with the sandy fluff…" I add. "I mean, that forehead of its _is_ quite dusty…"

Komi begins pushing me along the path instead of letting me walk myself. "Come on! I'll be having none of that usually tomfoolery from you! Let's go!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I fall into the library, pushed in by Komi. "Oof."

Patchouli is right at the front door to greet me. "Here. Hold open your arms."

What?

Moments later, a pile of blocks are dropped on me.

"...Oof." I repeat.

"Make sure to scatter these around the Misty Lake, the Magical Forest, and the Hakurei Shrine. Surely you can at _least_ manage this." Patchouli stares vainly downward at me.

I'll probably pass through these places anyway, so…

"Sure." I climb from the pile of wooden blocks. They all had a slight glow to them!... Not so subtle, Patchy, but whatever!

I scoop most of them into my sack. There was a buncha them, so I have absolutely no clue how many I was supposed to drop. I'll use them sparingly until the last place I visit, then, and knowing how big the Magical Forest was, I was gonna probably need to dump them all there.

"Can we go now?" Komi impatiently questions.

I shake my head. "No."

"No one asked you!" Komi snapped at me.

"Your work is done." Patchouli nods.

Komi races off, shouting. "I'll take that as a yes!"

Koi follows her after a slight delay, and Namori slowly trails after them.

…

"It's a fluff nugget kind of day…" I idly comment. Patchouli hovers off, choosing to ignore me.

Alright, _now_ let's get out of the manor!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: PATCHOULI KNOWLEDGE'S PERSPECTIVE ====

A fluff nugget kind of day, apparently. I'd rather it wasn't, to be honest.

…

Brad does a casual strut as he leaves the library, closing the door behind himself.

I make progress towards my study again.

With some sort of miracle, that boy should manage to get the adequate number of blocks to those locations. Considering he even left some behind, I don't doubt he's going to leave a nonspecific number behind, which is precisely what I've planned.

The nature of the blocks is proximity surveillance. If everything goes as planned, I should have a means of monitoring the boy's proximity at any time. Largely useless, but should I ever send him on future tasks, it gives me a mean of tracking his progress. To test it, I can track his progress on _this_ task.

I'd drive myself insane if I didn't bind the visual feed to something and just left it running. I'd also be a failure of a magician if I did that. As cliche as it is, I had it bound to one of those blank crystal orbs. Many of them were already enchanted with mundane utility spells and other useless, even faux magical effects in some cases.

I had written over one of the tacky blue ones that were one of the 'faux' magical orbs, which I coined because they were actually not enchanted at all and were simply the possessions of many phony fortune tellers and amateur magi.

Reaching my desk, I slide open the drawer and levitate the blue orb out. To differentiate it from the garbage ones, I simply left a throwaway magical signature on it that stood out.

What's that human child doing now…?

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

I'm at the lake now, and still no Ha-chan. That's peculiar!

...Also, it was time to spread the surveillance!

I toss three magic blocks into the lake, and they float off. Good enough!

...Hey, she never specified that I had to place them anywhere specific aside from the three locations. I assume like three in the lake was gonna be good.

I am confronted by Wakagasa- fuck, I forgot her name already! Shit!

"...Why are you littering?" She begins glaring at me.

"I'm not. I've gotta distribute these blocks around three places, and this lake is one of them!" I explain my circumstance!

She's still not happy, though. "Then distribute them _around_ the lake, not _in_ it."

"But- they're _wood_!" I snap. "Tree branches probably fall in every day and freakin' skewer something! The thing's full of _mud_!"

"It's not _full_ of mud!" Wakageeses snaps at me. "...It's just a little dirty!"

I shake my head. "Look, yo. You got ice floatin' about all willy-nilly." I point to the floating glaciers. "Yer on the rocks. Hit the bricks, pal, you're done."

She tilts her head. "...I don't see the problem."

I nod, smiling smugly. "Exactly."

…

"Wait, what?" Wakagoose blinks.

"See ya!" I head off, waving at her.

"S-see ya…" She waves back less enthusiastically, a bit bamboozled by the turn of events.

I continue around the lakeside on my way to the Hakurei Shrine…

…

"He~y!"

It's Cirno!

I look out to the lake to see Cirno zooming towards me.

…

I'm forced to run out of the way as Cirno crashes into the ground next to me.

Bam!

"Y-yo! You tryin' to strike me down, friend!?"

Cirno emerges from the crater. "A-ah…" She stretches a bit. "...Have you seen Dai-chan anywhere?"

Yeah. "No."

"...You're lying!"

She's right! "...No?"

"...You're lying."

Still? "Look, how would I have seen her?"

…

"Fi~ne…" Cirno floats away, looking frustrated.

Hyonk.

I actually dunno where she ran off to, and it _has_ been a day, so I may aswell have not seen her anyway. It's not like she'd go that far from the lake.

...A rather temperate day today!

Yeah, nothing eventful happens for the rest of this walk. Take my word for it.

…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

There we go! Shrine of Hakurei!

…

It's uh, still in shambles.

Reaching the top of the steps, I make my way towards the disembodied door frame of the shrine. I walk in through it to see piles of stuff, and what looks like a freakin' kotatsu tent or something.

There doesn't seem to be anyone around, though…

I pull blocks out of my bag. "I'm sure Reimu won't give a shit!"

I start flailing them around wildly, allowing them to thunk against various debris.

Suddenly… I hear fluffy coos emanate from the debris.

"It appears… I am not alone in this world."

Locking in place, I take a gunslinger's stance.

...A dusty foreheaded fluffle pokes its head out of some of the debris, and looks around curiously and suddenly.

Slowly, I draw a block from my sack. "...Quick on the draa~w…"

The fluffle turns to me. "Waa~l…"

"In this town…" I reel my arm back.

"Waaa~l…!"

"I am the _law_!"

I toss the block!

Clunk!

"Waaa~l!"

Success!

At least ten other fluffles pop out from the debris to raise their fins in my honor.

The fluffle I struck sank back into the debris.

Yeah, I wasn't getting rid of these fluffles any time soon. I'd have to like, fumigate the place. They're like dust mites, except freakishly huge, and more or less cuddly.

I also tossed about ten or so of what was probably fifty blocks around. I think I'll save the rest for the forest. While I'm there, I should visit Alice or something!

Speaking of the forest of magic…

"Reimu! I'm here to play, da ze!"

Marisa rockets in through the only door that exists.

"Hi. It's me, Reimu." I casually greet Marisa.

"...You, again?" Marisa tiredly asks. I did just see her like, the other day, didn't I?

"Don't you got blocks to spread too, or something?" I pointed at Marisa.

"Yeah. I was wonderin' if I could get Reimu to help, ze, but uh…"

I shrug. "Didn't see her around. I did find these guys, though." I used my thumb to gesture to the rubble behind me, and some fluffles popped out on cue.

"...Ah." Marisa looked conflicted about that. "...Alright, then…"

I move out the door. "Have fun becoming one with the blocks or whatever it is that you do, magical friend!"

"Sure!" Marisa idly calls back to me as I head for the stairs.

…

Unbeknownst to myself, Marisa took the opportunity to raid the debris pile for a fluffle.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Before I enter the forest of magic, I stop by the pawn shop- I mean… tasteful forest outskirts tourist… trap?

The place was freakin' out there, I dunno what else to call it!

I open the door…!

"Hello, friend!"

Rinnosuke looks up from whatever the frik he's reading today. I dunno, the book cover's got a whole lotta Japanese on it! "...There you are."

I suddenly begin stomping as I approach his desk. "...Why _think_ …"

I throw my head back and lurch backwards. "When you can fight!? Raagh!"

I throw myself onto his desk and lie down on it horizontally!

...I shift into a comfortable position. "Hey, how ya doin'."

Rinnosuke sighs. "You still owe me for that surf board, and that glue."

I take out a magical block. "Consider it paid!"

He eyes it. "...This is just a block."

I suddenly sit up. "Dude, it's _great_ for shoving up your ass."

…

Rinnosuke shakes his head. "Why do I always get the freaks?"

"Because _you're_ a freak." I grin.

"...How would you know?" He retorts.

I gesture to the everythings with my arms. "Because you're running a shady ass, vague business on the edge of a magical forest rife with particles of a luminous nature, selling otherworldly goods you hardly know anything about."

…

"I disagree with the shady part..." Rinnosuke voices. "...and I don't see anything wrong with the luminous nature of the forest."

I shrug. "I dunno, yo. I dunno."

I get up off his counter and look around the store. Unfortunately, there was nothing new or interesting on display at the moment, aside from the plethora of freakin' graphic tees that I refuse to acknowledge.

"...Say, uh, when's the next shipment of goods?"

Rinnosuke takes a moment to read before he replies. "...I'm gonna assume a couple days or something. Yakumo never really tells me when she's gonna drop stuff off, she just does. It's typically monthly, so any day now she should stop by."

Mmm…

…

He declined my previous payment offer. "...This block doesn't qualify as payment, by the way."

Daw. "But, yo, it's-"

"No. Square peg does not go into circular hole." he corrects.

That's unfortunate.

…

"Have you ever tr-"

"Please come again another day."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I hear the shop's bell ring behind me as I get booted out the front door!

"Oof…"

I land on my stomach this time.

"You can pay me later."

Rinnosuke closes the door.

That's one way to keep stuff on my tab!

Dusting myself off, I get up and continue into the magical forest. This place always had that homey vibe to it… I suppose that was because it felt congested at times because of all the freakin' stuff going on in it.

Yes, 'stuff'.

I hear an excited fairy girl call out to her friend. "Water-chan! Come check out this tree! It's glowing!"

"Wet-chan, all of the trees glow." Her friend deadpanned.

Also, Wet-chan. Just… Wet-chan.

"I know! But this one… it speaks to me…"

Thunk.

Wet-chan shoved her face into a hole in the tree.

As I expected, the two were unimaginatively named water fairies. I still dunno how the hell they get their names, but I wouldn't be entirely surprised if they were self-picked.

I come up to the fine fellows. "Hello, friends!"

Water-chan turns to me. "Y-you…!"

I wave. "Hi."

"You're the pervert who stole my shoes!"

Oh, it's _that_ twat.

I wave it off. "Aaahh, forgedda 'bout it. Welcome to New York!" I suddenly take her arm and shake it vigorously.

"G-get off!" She jerks her arm from me, and floats back. "Wet-chan, we need to leave! This guy is bad news!"

Wet-chan tries to pull her face from the hole in the tree, but fails.

"..." Water-chan shakes her head. "You know what? Do what you want with her."

With that, Water-chan splits.

I'd like to know why the water fairies are still hanging around in the woods, anyway. They probably help the trees not die, but y'know… I'd have figured Earth fairies or something…

Wet-chan continues to try and free herself, to little avail. I hear her grunt weakly…

"Hngh!... Hnnngh!"

I'm tempted to shove one of the magical blocks up her ass, but I don't think Patchy needs to see up there. I mean, Mima might try and get some of that fairy ass at some point in the future, but still.

I come up behind her, and lift open the hem of her shirt's neck, and insert a magical block.

"H-hwaa~h!"

Mission accomplished! Fairy only half molested!

Leaving her to struggle against the tree, I continue into the woods!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I walk up to Alice's door gingerly. I feel like I'm knocking on the door to some random hooligan's house in my neighborhood, for some reason.

Knock knock!

"Ding dong!" I announce my presence to the wild!

…

Knock, knock, knock!

"Di~ng, dong…!"

…

I take out Swift Brand and start bashing the door with it.

Bam bam bam!

"Open this freakin' door!"

I hear some footsteps inside, and moments later Alice quickly swings the door open.

"What!? What do you want?"

I jump at the irritation in her voice. "Jesus!" I toss the blocks at her with haste!

Alice shields herself with her arms as some of the blocks bounce off her. "H-hey!"

She tries to shut the door, but I stop it with my foot.

…

"Yeowch!" Fucking door! I felt that through my damn _sneaker_!

Alice steps away from the door, allowing me to slide in.

"Freakin', yo…"

She glares at me. "If I didn't answer the door, maybe you should have assumed I did not wish to answer it?"

I shrug. "...But you did, though, in the end."

"You were going to damage it or break it." She retorts.

I shrug. "Well, can't you magic it?"

Alice sighs quite audibly. "...I don't specialize in _wood_ magic, you dope."

Dope! "That's dope, yo."

…

"...Why did you even come here?" Alice suddenly takes a very vain expression!

"Patchouli wanted me to hand these surveillance blocks all over the world!" I place one on the table.

"...Why?"

"Because Mima." Hope she knows who Mima is!

Alice blinks. After a moment of silence, she decides to dignify my answer with a response.. "Considering you know who that is now, I guess I'm inclined to believe you."

Woo.

"...I'm a bit busy. I hope you haven't come to ask for my aid, or anything." Alice voices her impatience.

"Nah, nah. I'm just in the neighborhood, shopping for some sandy fluffs." Sandy.

…

"Well, don't let me stop you, then. Go on… and do that." That's Alice trying to find a kind way of telling me to screw off!

"Alright, alright, yo…" I head for the door. "I'll leave you to your devices."

Click. I close the door to Alice's house, now departing for Marisa's…

…

"Annoying." Alice muttered to herself.

She studied one of the blocks. "...Clairvoyant scrying, huh? Not entirely subtle, but economic. Wonder what Patchouli made this for, really…"

She moved all the blocks to the edge of her front wall. "There we go. I'll keep those there, both to protect my privacy and let you keep doing whatever it is you're doing."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Magical woods, yo. It's magical.

Nearing Marisa's house, I see that it's still pretty sad.

"Oh, no." I idly comment despite knowing what to expect.

One of the water fairies flies up to me and interrupts my existing! "You!"

"No." I shake my head.

…

"I've come to challenge you!" She points at me.

"And I've come… to not challenge you! How about that?" I grin back.

"Too bad! You can't stop me, anyway!" The fairy girl smirks triumphantly. "I'll pay you back for what you did to Wet-Chan!"

She hovers over my head as I ready a magical block.

"Here we-"

Thunk!

"...O-ooww!"

Get owned, noob, get owned!

I had thrown a block at her head, and hit her accurately by some miracle. You see, it's when I focus on hitting that I miss! I think…

I throw another block to try and see if I was right, and miss completely. I wasn't focusing that time, either.

...It's times like these that make me wonder how shit like catching knives is so easy for Sakuya. I can bare throw these bloody wooden blocks with any form of accuracy!

The fairy readjusts herself and glares at me. I'd call her Water-chan, but I actually don't know. These water fairies all look really similar, for some reason…

"That's it! I'm gonna make you sorry!" The fairy girl grins down at me. "This is a skill I've perfected through years of practice and support from my friends! And it's going to take _you_ down!"

...That actually sounds pretty hype!

I brace myself. "Alright, bring it, cuddly!"

"Rain Sign! Cloudburst!"

…

The clouds overhead begin joining together, and grow dark.

I fold my arms.

It begins raining!

…

"Now I'm a soggy friend…" I grumble.

The fairy says nothing, still smirking.

"You're gonna die, for that." I get ready to try and bludgeon her with Swift Brand by bringing it out, but…

Suddenly, danmaku raises from the puddles on the ground!

"Hahaha! You've fallen into my trap!" The fairy girl laughs merrily.

"Sweet Jesus, fuck!" I try fleeing from the puddle danmaku, but it's appearing everywhere! "Turn it off! Turn it off!"

"You're mine!"

I start tossing wooden blocks at her hastily, while frantically dancing around in the puddles trying to avoid the pain vapors.

Thunk! Thunk! Thunk!

"It's no use, human!"

Thunk!

...Despite all these thunking noises, I'll have you know I threw like, ten blocks.

Finally getting near her, I double jump up towards her and swing Swift Brand at her rib cage.

Thwack!

"A-aaagh!"

The spell card stops!

…

"This would make for the shittiest shooter game, ever." I add. Throwing little wooden blocks at mundane opponents to scrape them. Genius!

Suddenly, I hear shouting from Marisa's house. "What the hell is going on out here, ze!?"

I turn, and she sees me. I wave.

"...You, again?"

I nod.

Marisa sighs. "You followin' me, or somethin'...?"

I nod. "Stranger danger, son! I'm gonna stick my hand into your bloomers and touch you inappropriately!"

…

Marisa walked back inside her mostly absent house. "...I'll pretend you didn't just say that."

"I will, too." I add.

"Hey! I'm not done with you, yet!" The fairy follows closely behind me as I make my way to Marisa's house.

I go inside

"Hey, woah woah woah, no one said you could come in, ze." Marisa started pushing me out.

"I must spread the blocks!" I begin tossing some inside.

I feel myself get pushed into the fairy, and Marisa continues pushing the both of us out.

"I've already got that covered! Just get out and don't come back!" Marisa steps back and delivers a swift kick to my torso.

"Wooaaa~h!" I exclaim. "Them's fightin' words!"

I'm thrown outside by the force of the kick, falling onto the fairy girl.

"Waah!"

At least she's soft.

...I feel her wiggle her way out from under me.

Sitting up, I stretch a bit. Man, I've been doing a lot of getting kicked out of places recently. Today's just been, like, the great kick off.

I spread the satisfactory amount of blocks around, I'm pretty sure, so now I can go to the places and do the things!

…

I didn't think that far ahead, though. Hnngh.

Let's see… where haven't I visited yet?

There's the temple, but I dunno what I could do there. I _could_ return to the mansion, but the idea's to visit somewhere new…

Reimu's mysteriously not at her shrine, so I can't ask her anything. I doubt I'd see Mima again very soon, and I'd rather not climb a mountain to get kicked out of Sanae's shrine, somehow. I know it'd happen! For all I know she's trying to get off to her porn collection and here I'd be just bustin' in!

There _are_ other places I'd like to go, but I dunno if I could reach them with my current level of ability…

Like Makai. Pretty sure I'd get like, incinerated.

...While I'm deep in thought, I notice the water fairy weakly flailing her arms at me from behind.

"...Hello, friend." I greet her.

...She blows a raspberry, then flies away.

...Hmm.

I could always try the human village again. That was always a point of interest, even if Keine wants to gut me. I kinda need a way to deal with her, 'cause I don't think I can overpower her at all.

...Bu~t, maybe I could outsmart her…

I've gotta head to Alice's house again.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Knock knock!

…

This was always an unfitting sight. It was like a regular house just plopped up outta nowhere in this freakin' woodland.

…

No answer, huh? I figured. I look into one of the windows, and don't see anyone. She must be deeper in her house. My idea is she can give me like, a generic villager disguise or something. She's gotta have spare clothes and wigs in there, somewhere! I just gotta find a way in…

It also just occurred to me that she musta fixed her own house, 'cause most of the water damage has vanished.

There's no way I could just pop open a window, especially since this is a _mage's_ house. Even if Alice didn't booby trap them like Marisa probably does… or _did_ when she had windows, then the dolls would surely assault me.

Oh, shit, that's right. She's got those buggers _everywhere_ , and they have eyes. This was gonna be a bitch, but…

I take Remilia's mob cap off my head and put it into my sack. Looking around on the outside of the house a bit more, I step back from it.

"...Saint Nick, you crazy bastard…"

I pull out my Yin-Yang Flail-O-Copter, and take a moment to hover onto her roof…

Floating over it, I clumsily latch onto the chimney.

Now, how the hell was I supposed to slow the flail down…?

I try diverting the momentum…

Bam!

It hit the roof, leaving an indent.

If Alice didn't hear that, she's either in a magical coma or dead.

...Wait, if I do this fast enough, I could get down the chimney before she comes out to yell at me!

I frantically shove the flail back into my sack as I hear the door clicking open. "What in the world now…?"

Feeling my adrenaline kicking in, I leap into the large chimney and slide down…

…

I stop myself midway by grabbing the walls. Man, that's a lot of soot…

Letting myself land-

"Oof…" Not easy on the legs, mind you.

-I precariously angle my legs so I sit down in the fire place, and I push myself into the room.

Click. The front door closed itself, as many good front doors are designed to do. That, or Alice just has magic on it that makes it do that when unattended. I dunno.

I've done it! I have breached the inner sanctum!

I quickly and fluidly step towards Alice's room with a hint of caution to my steps, feeling the hype be real, yo.

"...Alright…"

I try to open the door.

It's fucking locked.

...I begin to look around, hoping there's a key of some description around. For all I know it's locked by magic or some shit!

I scour the main room for wigs or clothes, but they're all doll stuff. I'm not even close to a doll!

Shaking my head, I proceed into the guest room to hide before Alice charges back in or something.

I find some fluffles tied up on the wall. One of them was cut open a little, but it didn't seem to mind.

"hi" it said. "im chelsea"

Sure you are, friend.

The guest beds were all pushed aside, and it seems Alice was taking vigorous notes. I don't see any costume supplies in here either, just some undetailed doll figures near the notes.

I do see one of those fun closets, though. I quickly duck inside.

Click. The front door closes again. I close the closet door by accident.

I hear Alice step towards the room, and I try to time that with the door opening.

Click…

I… don't think she heard that.

Click. She closed the guest room door.

"Tch… Must have been those troublesome water fairies again. I've gotten careless." Alice mutters to herself with distaste.

Disappointingly, she says nothing else, and apparently gets to studying the fluff.

...On the bright side, there's actually guest clothes and stuffs in here! I mean, no wig, but that's okay! I could just reuse Kaguya's wig if need be. I couldn't throw the stuff on, though, because yeah. That'd be a little noisy.

…

I mean, speaking of which, I'm boned, aren't I? 'Cause there ain't no way I'm waiting for Alice to go to bed to get outta here.

"im spider man big time class" elaborates one of the fluffles.

"Hush." Alice wasn't having any of it, though.

...Hey, there's shoes in here too! A real mixed bag, though, and they're all dressy, boring shoes. I dunno which ones would fit or not. I'm just gonna pray Keine never memorized my sneakers.

…

Okay, maybe I _do_ need shoes.

"Waaaa~l!" I jump at the sudden wail from the fluff.

"Oh, be quiet." Alice reprimands it.

Mmm, fluff stuffs.

There's a broom in here. There's also some peculiar class-specific items, like Hakurei-styled sleevelets and what looks like a witch hat. There were also a few maid headdresses, so I took one for good measure.

Spares for the regulars, I suppose.

...I took the Hakurei sleeves too. I dunno how the hell you make them stay on…

I accidentally make a collection of clothes hangers jangle a bit during my pilfering.

Alice suddenly pauses during her note taking.

Uh oh.

...She starts walking towards the closet.

Shi~t!

...I know what I can do. You know that thing where ninjas like, hide on the ceiling? I'm gonna do that; she has the rafter thing for it to work, too.

I climb up onto the hanger rack pole, and-

Snap!

...Uhm… This might be-

Snap!

Fu-

Thud.

...Yeah, I just broke her hanger hanger. Hangers clattered around me as I fell in a way that made me kick open the closet door.

…

"Good afternoon, friend. I see you brought fluff'n'stuffs." I greet Alice.

"How did you even get in there? _When_ did you get in there…?" Alice stares over me, mildly disturbed.

"You see, it all started yesterday, and what a day that was…" I pretend to wipe my forehead. "It's what I call… a bahaha~d hair day…"

"Everyday's a bad hair day for you." Alice snarks. "You've apparently damaged the closet, too."

"Hey, the closet was damaged _before_ I got here!" I lie. "...I just revised the damages!"

"That's just a fancy confession." Alice points out. "...Get out of there, by the way."

I make my way out of the closet clumsily, because I wasn't in a very easy stance to stand up! After a few moments of struggling, I've escaped the closet.

She shuts it, and sighs. "I guess I'll fix that later. I know I can't trust you to do it."

She's not wrong.

"...Do you mind explaining how you got in, now?"

I shrug. "The door was open, and I heard fluffy noises, and fluffy voices. The coos beckoned to me, friend. Hug." I walk towards Alice for a hug.

"No." She holds out her arm, and stops me. "Start explaining and I _won't_ tie you up."

Tie me up, huh? "Why would ya do that, yo?"

"I don't know if you came for malicious reasons. After all, you won't tell me anything, apparently." Alice stares levelly at me.

I shrug. "Yo ho ho, give me a moment to explain, friend."

She stares at me expectantly.

"...I came in through the chimney!" I gesture to my soot-covered clothes. "I wanted to ask you for a villager's disguise, so I came by. You were busy uh…" I look to the fluffles. "...Yeah. So I just showed myself in like that."

"I would have noticed-..." Alice pauses. "...You made that dent in the ceiling, didn't you?"

I grin sheepishly. "...Water fairies?"

Alice shakes her head. "You oaf."

...I take a moment to reflect upon the fluffle chamber. "...You find anything interesting?"

She shakes her head. "They're dusty. Very dusty."

I turn away from the fluff to look at her. "Did you try sniffing them?"

She scrunches her face. "They _smell_ dusty."

Mmm…

"Anyway… You wanted a villagers' disguise that badly?"

I nod.

"Alright. You'll have to do a few things for me, though." Woo, quests!

"Such as?" Exchange of goods is my language!

She hands me a grocery list. "Fetch me these supplies. If you pass as a villager, surely this should come with ease."

Pfft, too boring. The moment I get in, I'm gonna try and see if I can get Sekibanki or somebody to do it for me. Who has time to _shop_!?

"Sure, yo." I look at the list she hands me…

Hmm, it's actually mostly threads and stuff, and a few things like pancake mix. Now I need like, five bags of pancake mix to just chuck at people. Preferably fire elementals, actually. Wait, would I need a water elemental too? That's too specific to be useful, now!

She goes into the closet and reaches down into the pile of clothes that was produced as a result of me trashing the rack.

...Generous view of the derriere! I won't comment on it, though. Just stare.

"Here." Standing back up, she pulls some clothes from the pile. She shows me a very plain blue coat. "There's this, for guests, and…" She lifts a skirt and frowns at it. She's about to toss it aside, but I intervene.

"Yo, keep that in."

Alice turns to me. I can only describe her expression as something along the lines of 'are you fucking serious?'.

I smile innocently. "...It's fun." I had no complaints with being a deep voiced crossdresser with hairy legs! It'd be fun!

"...No. I'm not letting you walk around and tell anyone who recognize you got _this_ from _me_." Alice huffs. "I'd like to think myself more professional than that."

Alright, alright, geesh. Freakin' appearances, yo. "Alright, friend. Give me some freakin' tangley trousers."

"You get normal trousers." Alice holds up some overall-esque pants. I guess a whacky ass hick suit is fine, too.

"...That's not really normal, but uh…" I guess it'd be normal to the villagers.

"Too bad. Will you leave me to my research now?"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: WALL FLUFFLE B'S PERSPECTIVE ====

"you get normal trousers" mean girl says to fuzzy one

"thats not really normal but uh" fuzzy one looks friendly

"too bad will you leave me to my research now" girl asks fuzzy

its time to call for help from some friends!

"friends, help! ';,.',';,.';,.';" i call for some friends

mean lady looks at me "why must you be troublesome now you were fine earlier"

';,.';',;.';,'.,;.

[Publishing Request # 556262…]

…

';,'.;';,.';';,';. ? ? ?

…

friends!

"im lovable" friends are coming!

"';,.';,';.';,.';" my friends rejoice!

now is waiting time!

…

…

…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

"friends, help! Waaa~l!" The fluffle cries out for aid.

Alice sighs, slowly looking back at the fluffle. "Why must you be troublesome _now_? You were fine earlier…"

The fluffle takes a moment to stare into space. Before I can say anything, it talks over me. "im lovable"

"Waaa~l!" Its friends wail.

Alice shakes her head. "...I don't have any idea how these things behave. You see, I took interest in their… non-biological designs yet lively behaviors, but they don't seem to behave like any living organism I've ever encountered. I thought they might be a sort of animated doll… but they have very low magical anything on them, yet they seem… strangely animated and energetic. Either whoever made them was a masterful magician, or these things are animated through something other than magic."

I blink. "...I dunno anything about freakin' fluffle biology. Isn't it a little too early in the day to be talking about that stuff, anyway?"

Alice rolls her eyes. "It's never too early in the day for intellectual endeavors…"

I fold my arms and give her the stink eye.

"...Okay, it _is_ possible for that to happen, but my tolerance for thinking is likely to be higher than yours." Alice admits.

Well, she _is_ a mage now. I think.

"You're a mage, the species, right?" I ask her.

She nods. "Yes, why?"

Oh, in that case… "I have no guilt in admitting you're probably smarter than me in numerous areas." Biology, yo.

She looks curious, but doesn't comment on that at all.

…

"I'm gonna change into this costume, yo."

"Mmm…" Alice approaches her notes. "Be sure to keep that list in mind."

"Thanks, yo." I leave the room.

I decide to get changed in her living room because yes. Slipping off my robes and stuffs, I pocket them in the sack.

I slip on my coat thing, only to realize Alice gave me no shoes. I mean, I still had my sneakers, but uh… yeah. I should go ask about that.

I put on my overalls, which don't fit at all with the coat, but I guess she gave me these on a whim so it's whatever. I feel like an asshole wearing these… and that's part of the fun!

I look out her front door, hoping to admire some sunny forestry.

Instead I see a really, _really_ big fluffle staring in.

"im a little e" it introduces itself. "e"

…

I hurry back to Alice.

She jumps as I storm back into the room.

"What do you want-"

"Alice."

She glares. "Wha-"

"Alice."

She stops trying to talk, but just glares at me.

"...We got two problems. Two _huge_ problems." I begin.

"Stop wasting my time…" She groans. "You've had to have at least costed me an hour by now…"

"First… you forgot the shoes." I wiggle a sneaker.

Alice looks incredibly impatient. "Really… Fine. Is that really-"

"Second…" I segway into the next problem.

"Fine, don't let me speak." Alice folds her arms.

"There is a colossal fluffle, bigger than your house, outside right now." I tell her.

…

"Sure." She steps towards me. "Give me a good reason why I shouldn't just beat you up for trying to trick me again?"

"Follow me." I wave to her. "I'll even come with you."

Reluctantly, she sighs and agrees.

We walk to the living room, and look out the front door.

"hello" The fluffle greets us.

…

"What." Alice steps back a little.

"It seems friendly." I provide.

"do... do you have my friends" It asks. "give them back please"

Alice looks at a loss for words. "...D-dolls!"

Her battalion of dolls mobilizes itself from her shelves and drawers and get ready to combat the giant fluffle.

"please friends no dont" The fluffle looks saddened. "im all natural"

"What are fluffles weak against?" Alice asks me.

"Burn it with fire." I demand.

"On it."

Various dolls ready flaming arrows, and others' spears ignite.

Before I even know it, dolls are all around the house. They're even surrounding fluffzilla out there from outside the house. Alice, just how the hell did you make these strings work?

With not a bated breath, the arrows bombard the giant fluffle.

"no!" The fluffle shouts. "friends no"

The huge towering fluffle quickly turns into an inferno, and stumbles back into the forest away from the house. It collapses onto the trees, and becomes a raging inferno.

Boo~m…

…I hear the crackling of flames moments later.

"We need to put out that fire…" Alice immediately recognizes.

Some water fairies take notice instantly, and begin dousing the flames to protect the forest.

Various dolls are now pouring buckets of water of dubious origin onto the fire.

...However, I see a light emitting from the flames.

"...Oh, shit." I curse.

Thud…

The whole house shakes from the thud.

"...!" Alice's eyes widen.

Thud…

The flames are almost all gone, but a towering mechanization is revealed, standing above what remains of the small inferno.

Thud…

"H-holy…" Alice's jaw drops.

I shake my head vigorously. "Nope. I'm out. Fuck that shit. Get me outta here! We gotta go!" I begin shaking Alice, who doesn't seem to have gotten out of her initial shock yet.

Thud…

A large, fluffle-shaped mechanization stood, with one of those cliche red bionic eyes with the laser sight. It had a gaping metal maw instead of the typical fluffle perpetual smile, and seemed to be made of haphazard sheet metal bolted together. The legs were very much similar to the piston abominations seen prior, except they were just large piston contraptions instead of those quad-limbed travesties. They looked nearly identical, though.

"Help_Request_Confirmed…" spoke the mechanical tower. "Negotiations_Unsuccessful… Commencing_Biological_Extermination_Procedures…"

Its head jerked, sparks flying from the base of the 'neck'. "im_fluffy"

…

The water fairies were shooting bubbles at it, to debatable effect.

It swings a large metal fin through the air.

Pi~chun!

Pi~chun!

Pi~chun!

...The fairies didn't stop, though.

The giant mecha fluffle aimed its eye down at one of them, and shot a piercing red beam at its target.

Pi~chun!

...As cool as the thing was, it'd be a lo~ng time before it killed every individual fairy assaulting it.

"...We gotta go." I state. "C'mon Alice, we gotta go." I begin pulling on her arm.

She appears confused. "W-what? But, I-"

"We just do. We gotta go, yo."

...Alice resigns herself. "Alright. I suppose backup would be appreciated."

I was about to offer to carry her, but then she just up and floats.

...Yeah, I kinda forgot Gensokyian girls can do that in all the excitement!

"Come on, then."

Alice's dolls lift me up with surprising strength! "Woah, woah, bad touch! Easy on the sides, yo! I-I'm ticklish!" This feels super weird, dude!

And so, we escape the titanic fluffle. We'll probably have to beat the shit out of it later. That thing was literally twice the height of the trees, so I think it'd catch some attention pretty quickly, too.

By 'we' I mean Alice and whoever she finds to back her up. Hyonk.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 25

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed.

INVENTORY:

Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Due to a dark amulet upgrade, it may be used to cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. Has a very situational instant-death dealing condition that, let's be honest, I probably couldn't fulfil; it's just there for world building. Help no.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives that I mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out...

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

man this took awhile.

more FLUFFMANIA

there are snuggles afoot

...i also actually have a place im taking this whole string of events! (you see i hit a small roadbump when i was looking for places to go, but i just came up for another way for me to meet some FLUFFY FACES and get put in FLUFFY SPACES; gensokyo is an eventful place)

as always, see you all next time!


	30. Three Player Bradmatch: Two Frags Wins!

(in which we call a judge a noob)

We arrive at Marisa's house! She welcomes us with open arms and we have a passionate make-out session.

...I wish.

Nope, instead we have a freakin' tactical meeting. I mean, yo. There's tacti _cool_ … and then there's just tactical.

This was just tactical.

"So~... should I shoot my laser _here-_ " Marisa pointed to the sketch of the fluffle robot. More specifically, at the crotch. "Or _here_?" She aims at the shins.

Alice shakes her head. "You insufferable- it's a fluffle, it doesn't _have_ those parts…" 

"Knees?" Marisa looks at her own kneecaps. "...You're right, they don't have kneecaps!"

Well, she wasn't wrong. Fluffles just had little leg things. Cuddly.

"...Right." Alice composes herself. "Just shoot it, okay?"

Marisa giggles and gives a thumbs up. "No~ problem, ze!"

Alice points at me. "You."

Hello.

"...Don't die, I guess. You should probably stay here, all things considered."

I mean I could, but now that I know Marisa's gonna be fucking it up with giant ass lasers, I'm more in the mood to watch.

...So why not get a front row seat?

"Nah, I'm riding with Marisa."

Marisa shook her head. "No, you're not."

Woah no. "Why, magical friend?"

Marisa looks away for a moment. "I just don't want you to."

Oh, fuck me, she's like me and one of my other demented friends. Now there's _no_ changing her mind!

I sigh. "...Okay, yo. I'm not changing your mind, I know that."

...That sentence ended abruptly. Mister Brad is very good language man.

Marisa looks surprised for a moment. "...Okay, cool."

...She continues to stare at me for a moment.

...Why's that? I got somethin' on my face? Is-is it the hair? It's the hair isn't it, it always gets all frizzy and-

"I know I didn't say this before, but uh… what's uh…" Marisa looks down at my hillbilly outfit.

Oh, it's just that. "...Hergin' dingin' derger!"

"Okay." Marisa nods, satisfied with that answer.

Life as a hick, yo.

Alice looks curious. "...Is there anything weird about his outfit?"

Marisa nods. "Yes."

"...Explain." Alice demands. When Marisa gives her a weird look, she elaborates. "I-I'm curious, is all…"

"You see those overalls?" Marisa points out. "He looks like more of a cartoon character than he did before!"

Hyonk!

Alice's brow twitched. "Really?"

Marisa nods. "Mmm… He's also still got those weird shoes on." Marisa points to my sneakers.

"I'll think it over, then…" Alice sighs, and begins heading for the door. "We should get going."

Suddenly, a fluffle stuck its head out of a nearby pile of books.

…

"It looks soft." I observed. I turn to Marisa. "What did you do to it, friend?"

"I-I didn't do anything, ze! It was like that when I found it!"

The fluffle started gnawing on a book.

Alice shook her head. "...Marisa, did you know that thing was there?"

"...No." Marisa shook her head.

Alice stared at her.

"...I mean yes?" She grinned sheepishly.

"Honestly… I won't even ask why you have one, just come." Alice floated off.

Marisa hopped on her broom. "See ya! Don't touch my stuff while I'm gone!"

With that, Marisa took off.

Guess I'm not gonna watch them fight the freakin' fluffle megazord…

…

I still need those shoes, though!

With no other choice, I begin my walk back to Alice's house to plunder myself some shoes!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...The sounds of violence get louder as I near Alice's house again.

Vrrrr!

Vrrrr!

"Kyaaa~h!"

Pi~chun!

BlaBoom!

...I tear a large leaf from a bush and shield myself from it as I run up to Alice's house.

"Human_Extermination_Protocol_613:_Nine_Kilobyte_Driver." The mech announced to the world.

I look up from the side of Alice's house, and see the towering mech lumbering around as it was slammed by, like, all the types of damage under the sun.

I'm tellin' ya, yo. We got the swords, the lances, the bows, the magical projectiles of at least five elements, the death lasers… we've got it all here, folks!

The ground shakes as the mech slams its foot into the ground.

"...I think it's time to go inside…" I tell myself.

...I courteously close the door behind me. Wouldn't do if a fly got into Alice's abode, after all.

With haste, I charge into the guest room of experimentation-

"hi friend."

-and up to the closet.

I tear off my worn ass sneakers and stow them away, then start trying on shoes one by one.

Alright, let's see…

Beige dress shoes!

…

They, uh, don't fit. Freakin' midget-sized.

Aight, let's try the black dress shoes…

…

Alice, who the fuck are these ones made for!? I can fit like, two feet in one!

...What're these, moccasins?

…

They fit. They're more discreet than my freakin' plastic ones. They may aswell have been moccasins themselves.

I slip the other one on and walk around a little. They're… comfy-ish. They're not amazing, but they'll do. About the same as my depleted and destroyed grey sneakers.

...I can just use Kaguya's wig, too. I don't feel like shopping around in here for a wig, since that's not really a hot commodity most of the time-

Bam! Something blew up outside…

-and most of what I'd find would be doll-sized anyway.

Time to-

Kaboom!

The ear-splicing _screech_ of the metal colossus falling was audible quite well from inside.

I run to the door…

The metal form of its started folding inward, a tower of flames rocketing into the air from its body.

BlaaaAAA-

I cover my ears.

...Oo~h, the ringing! The sweet ringing that fucking curses my ears! Make it stop!

…

I, uh… I think I'll just sit it out for a little while…

Sitting down on Alice's couch, I notice the flames get a little too close for comfort.

I take out my trusty Deep Blue. "Nope."

I turn the valve, and water gushes out like a waterfall, making me tense up because it's freakin' intense.

...Awkwardly propelled by the hanger, I moonwalk around the perimeter of Alice's house, fighting the fire as I went.

"Waahuuehuuehuuee~!"

That sounds exactly the same as you'd pronounce it, by the way. Not that anyone would hear due to the violent sounds.

...Oh, by the way, my ears are finally ceasing the ringing…

Now I can hear the terrifying cackles of flames in surround sound stereo!

"Ey! Alice, your house!" I hear Marisa shout from somewhere in the sky.

I continued my occupation as a hydrating agent for a few moments more until the water fairies start to clean up the flames themselves, a storm of bubbles and geysers washing over the lawn.

"Woaah!" I'm launched by a geyser!

Splat. I land in a mud puddle. Well, now my moccasins are nice and worn… and so are these pants!

There's enough water around now that Alice's house is probably gonna be totally safe. The flames are getting freakin' molested.

I walk back around to her front door and trudge inside, tracking mud off my moccasins the whole way. Once inside nice and proper, I sit down on a chair.

…

Alice enters! "...Thanks for all the mud, by the way."

"Boot biscuits." I add.

"Right…" Alice sighs. "I suppose I should thank you for whatever it was you were doing to protect the house."

"Flailing wildly with a fire hose." I name my activity with authority. "You're welcome, by the way."

...She looks down at my mud-spattered legs. "...I _just_ gave you those."

"And I just broke them in, yo." I grin.

"...I still expect everything on that list."

Hyonk.

Marisa floats in gingerly through the front door. "Yo~!"

I turn to her. "My name's Billy Bob Joe."

She stifles a chuckle as Alice turns to her, dissatisfied.

Leaving her house, I let the door click behind me. It is time to get the quest started!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I arrive at the Human Village gates. I've got that Kaguya wig on, so now I look like a really ugly shemale.

...Actually, shouldn't this be more suspicious? An ugly-faced but fair-haired, muddy woman trying to infiltrate the village?

I approach the gate.

The guard looks up at me. "Oh, hey- uh…" He double takes at me. "...The hell happened to you?"

Hmm… "D-did you hear that explosion…?" My girl impression is probably worse than just going with my normal voice, and neither would work in the slightest!

The guard pauses, no doubt admiring my angelic voice. "...Yeah. What's that got to do with anything?"

"W-well, it fucked my shit up." I was once a pretty girl! Now I am a male!

"...So were you a girl or a dude before?" The guard grinned.

I jump back. "I beg your pardon? I sexually identify as an attack helicopter, thank you very much."

...He shakes his head, grinning. "Whatever, get in here. The youkai'd probably eat you on sight. Yeesh."

He reels the gate open, and I step inside. Infiltration successful!

I walk through the village street, getting some funny glances but rousing no real suspicion. I'm getting less glances than before, at least!

...I should take a moment to actually look at the list instead of just gloss over it…

Alice wants:

Bag of pancake mix,

Red, blue, pink, cyan, and some other shades and tints of those listed.

A small tin, preferably for holding knitting and sewing supplies,

Ann~d…

The list reads that "these fluffles keep asking for fluff nuggets. See what you can do."

Well, that last one's easy.

My attention is drawn to a nearby structure as a cheer comes from it.

"Hooaah!"

… Sounds like fun!

I turn to the sign. Gensokyian Gins!

...It'sa pub.

I look ugly enough to fit in, anyway. I enter the pub.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Banzai!"

A row of men started drinking in unison.

This place was lively this evening!

The dimly lit pub was alive with the sound of socialization and such. It smelled of alcohol and cigarettes, which made me freakin' scrunch my nose. Potent…

"Hehehee~y!"

An orange-haired shikigami stood, waving a large mug around. "Heresh to a good time!"

"Yeah!" "She said it!" "You heard the girl, lad!"

An orange-haired oni stood on her seat. "Yeeaa~h!"

She leaped back onto the stool, breaking it, eliciting laughter from the other bar goers.

I casually strut up to the counter. I wonder if I can get someone to buy me an orange juice… and the rest of this crap on this list.

The man next to me leans closer. "Hey there baby…"

Ah, right. Drunk enough to ignore the face. Shieut.

"How's it goin', Paul?" I speak as gruff as possible.

"I see you know my name, heheh! What else you hear 'bout me…?"

God damn it, yo. Don't make me use my super tango foxtrot martial arts!... which are probably better known as 'kicking people in the nuts'.

I'm usually against that, but y'know… this is a pub. What happens in the pub, _stays_ in the pub, or so I'd like to believe.

"That you suck." How will he respond to insults?

He smiles, leaning closer. "What else…?"

Alcohol breath! Help, no!

Suddenly, my arm on the opposite side is grabbed. I turn and see it's Komachi.

"Heey…" Komachi stares into my eyes. "...Ahh… A- I haven't sheen yoo… here before…"

The man tugs on my arm. "I found her first, dick!"

Komachi tugs back. "Hesh mi~ne!"

This is why I don't like bars! Aside from the fact it smells like shit!

Suika comes up from behind. "Brea~k it uhp, yho two!"

She lifts me up entirely, thus removing me from the equation.

"Here!"

Bo~ng!

Komachi reels a large bottle around, and whacks the guy with it. Stumbling back, he turns to her.

"Feck off!"

He charges her, and they go for eachother's neck.

Suika drops me behind-

"Oof!"

-her, and goes to disengage them.

"Hey, hey, hey!"

She gets between them. They continue thrashing, and Suika just tanks it all like a boss.

Bo~ng!

How strong is that bottle!?

Suika doesn't even register the fact it hit her in the back of the head.

"Dish time is for mehrryment 'n… enjohyment!"

Komachi slowly simmers down. "...Y-yer... yer right…"

"Faachk!" The guy continues flailing.

Suika sighs. "I sahd shaddap!"

She slams him into the counter.

Bam!

...The counter breaks. He rebounds off it, stepping back dizzily, before falling over, his head bleeding.

"...Oopsh." Suika shrugged.

All the other guys started whispering, but no one did anything. One guy got up and started to drag the dude out.

I'll take it that that's a common occurrence…

Suika walks up to me. "Sorry, bahby. The lot's alwaysh like dat…"

"I'm Brad." I tell her.

Suika pauses, doing a double-take. "...Now I _know_ I'm hammered!"

Freakin'...

Komachi struts up to me. "S-sorry, hun…"

Well, if they're this hammered…

"I require a superfluously extreme ordinance of aid from you two." Testing vocab skills…!

I get blank stares. I was silently hoping they'd recognize the fact I used ordinance wrongish.

Alright…

"I need help!"

They perk up. "Whadda ya need?" Suika grins.

I show her a list.

"Shorry, can't read. Need yooh to hold my hand." Komachi grins.

Suika rolls her eyes at her exaggeratedly.

I hear the bar's door things flap open.

"Komachi?"

…

Oh…

Ooo~h…

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit!

...I shove the list into Komachi's bust. "Run, son! The popo be fast, on yo ass!"

Komachi flails her arms and runs for the back door of the bar.

"Komachi!"

Shikieiki Yamaxanadu, the judge of something or another. She's the fuckin' cops, basically!

She moves to catch up to her, but Suika gets in her way.

"I shah… Sacrifice self! You go!" Suika points to me. "Get your list! Komachi'll help! I'll-"

Shikieiki lightly bops her with that stick thing.

...Suika doesn't budge.

"Hmph…" Shikieiki steps back. "Sin of defying a yama. One thousand strikes, one hundred pounds."

The ground under her flashes with a faint blue light, and she prepares herself again.

She brings the stick down on Suika.

Bam!

...Suika budged a little, then promptly wobbled around. She was probably in more danger of knocking herself over from her loss of motor skills…

Bam!

...Suika barely registered that one as she wobbled.

Bam!

Shikieiki is a horribly slow murderer with an extremely inefficient weapon.

Bam!

You know, _one_ of those hits would probably gib me. _One_.

Bam!

Sweet Jesus, fuck.

Bam!

Suika yawns.

"...I see this is not working. Sin of Alcoholism, three hundred strikes, three hundred pounds."

The stick glows, and the ground under her lights up again, a circle of blue light highlighting the power buff she got.

She brings it down on Suika again.

Boom!

Suika staggers back. "...Hah! 'Bout time you stopped playin' 'round!"

Shikieiki leaps into the air, and brings her rod down on Suika.

Boom!

"Come on! Hit me!" Suika demands of her.

She cooperates.

Boom!

Oh, man. This place is gonna be fucked up when they're done with it. I can already see most of the men have _quietly_ relocated themselves.

Boom!

"...You are a strong girl." Shikieiki observes. "...Suika, the Oni?"

Suika nods enthusiastically. "Don't you forget it!"

Shikieiki nods back slowly… "...Sin of Alcoholism, one ton, twenty strikes…"

Fwoo~m!

Shikieiki's costume frills start flowing in the air, the power from her buff apparently ravaging the wind. The blue circle glowed brightly, now.

"Face judgement!"

Shikieiki brought her rod forward.

Suika swung her fist at it.

They met.

…

I slowly walk behind the counter and hide before the hitlag ends.

Kaboo~m!

I feel the counter slam against me. Holy shit.

…

I stand up, and see that part of the entrance is gone.

"Holy shit."

Suika and Shikieiki stood at the epicenter of the destruction.

"...Yer not half bad!" Suika grins, and extends her gourd. "Wanna drink?"

Shikieiki sighs. "That no good drunk…"

...She locks her gaze on me.

Woah, no.

She starts stepping towards me. Suika blinks. "...Ru~de."

"...Did I hear a curse?" The judge stands before the broken heap of the counter. She stops to get a good look at me, but doesn't say anything.

"Yes." I admit.

"Hmph. Such a disrespect for language is shameful. Humans, with all their curiosity, should be more into artful and creative endeavors, not conformist practices. I'd say that relates to swearing, because those whom commonly curse are, infact, commonly guilty of conforming to group norms themselves… even if they'd like to attest otherwise."

Welcome to the lecture hall, friends. Here, we shall debate the things!

Speaking of debating… "Swearing? Indicative of conformist behavior? That's kinda too little of something to bother, honestly. Humans like me are hardwired to be a little conformist. Social beings and all that."

Shikieiki pauses. "Oh? Do give examples, then. As far as I am aware, the lot of you love to sin for the sake of sinning."

There's a couple things wrong with that statement.

Suika slowly walks up to us. "...What ya guys-"

"Silence." Shikieiki points her rod at Suika, who is, as expected, unaffected by the threat.

"Alright, alright, if it's dat private…" Suika chugs from her gourd.

"I'd say… if you wanna talk, hmm…" Thinking is hard, friends! "There are a variety of reasons we conform, both subconsciously and consciously. Conscious conformance is probably the type I like the least, although I'm kinda thinking mostly of stuff like 'oh I drink beer 'cause my friends', and the likes."

Shikieiki grins. "Are you calling yourself nonconformist?"

I take off my wig.

"...Hmm." She blinks.

"Is this the hair of a conformist?" I grin.

"Or maybe the conscious resistance is conformism in and of itself?" Shikieiki grins back.

I shrug. "If it is, I don't really care. If I don't care, is it conscious conformism, or am I just an asshole?"

"Sin of swearing, ten pounds, one strike."

Wait, wha-

Whack!

"Y-yeaaouch!" I clutch my jaw…

"...In any case, I doubt that you really do not care. I have no doubt you've got numerous friends in this village, and you're likely making some childish statement with that wig of yours. If I am wrong, I'd like you to correct me." Shikieiki folds her arms. "Now… you wouldn't happen to know where my subordinate ran off to, do you?"

Freakin'... "If you knew anything about me, Shiki…" I reach into my sack, reaching for Swift Brand. I plan to blow air at her to knock off her frilly hat!

Her eyebrow raises. "Have the villagers finally discovered my name?"

I brandish Swift Brand! "You'd know I was really somethin' else!"

Woosh!

Shikieiki grabs her hat before it blows away. Shieut.

"...Wind. An enchanted… plant hanger." She observes my weapon of choice. "You simply try too hard, don't you?"

Yo. If there's one thing that pisses me off… it's smartasses. This judge is a freakin' smartass!

...Maybe that's what she _wants_ , to piss me off. I'll just play it on the down low, then…

I shrug. "Yeah. Me and my buddies Paul and Ron go out on the weekends and do this all the time, you know. Pissing off otherworldly judges."

She down low's me right back. "Mhm. So, about that subordinate…"

Meh. "I shoved a list between her tits when she ran off. She's probably following that list."

"I see. Tell me some things that were on that list." Shikieiki demands.

...Does she trust me? Does she seriously-

"If we do not find her by the end of today, you will be punished." Shikieiki tells me. "Make your time and choices wisely."

...I turn to Suika. She's lying on the floor, her gourd next to her.

"Ahah…"

She's freakin' hammered, yo.

In this case, I will just have to ensure Shikieiki is destroyed by the friendly locals by the end of today. If she is, she will not be able to whack the shit out of me with a blunt thingamabob!

Mark my words. By the end of today, Shikieiki's gonna be freakin' annihilated, yo. Gonna drop a _building_ on her!

I nod. "So, the first thing on the list was…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We're instantly teleported to the manor gates.

"Devil's tea table, was it?" Shikieiki turns to me.

I nod. "Yeah. She has to find the Devil's tea table."

Specifically, the Scarlet Devil's tea table. Remilia's personal tea table.

There will be blood and thunder.

"Let us locate it, then." Shikieiki marches to the front gate. Meiling's there again.

"Oh, hey, uh…" Meiling looks over her. She then notices me. "Oh, there you are. Hana just set out a few moments ago looking for you, by the way."

Fluffy. "That's cool."

...Meiling looks over to my friend, here. "...Is this a friend of yours, o~r…"

Uh… "...Kinda. Politics, yo."

Shikieiki scowls at me, and I grin.

I walk up to Meiling and whisper in her ear. "Whisper, whisper, whisper…"

"I heard that." Shikieiki glared.

I turned to her. "What'd I say?"

Shikieiki shook her head. "You told her something bad, did you not?"

"Ask her yourself, then." I fold my arms. "I will argue that I did nothing wrong!"

Shikieiki turns to Meiling expectantly.

"U-uh…" Meiling was put on the spot. "All he did was say 'whisper whisper whisper'."

Shikieiki's eyes lowered. "Sin of lying, ten pounds, one strike."

The magic circle lightly glows.

"Huh?"

Whack!

...Meiling didn't really feel it, it seems.

"...Hmph." The Yamaxanadu is unsatisfied.

…

"hi friends"

Shiki, baby, kill it. Judge it. It needs death. Now. Give it to it…!

Shikieiki blinks at it. "...How cute."

Shiki, baby, no! Fire, we need the fire! Ten million zillion pounds, right now!

The fluffle raises its fins. "would you like to see my wares"

She blinks tentatively. "...Sure. I don't see why not."

The fluffle spreads a variety of differently colored Rods of Remorse down on the counter.

Shikieiki's jaw drops. "W-what… Where did you-... what are these?"

"rods of remorse" It smiles. "i made them."

She shakes her head. "No… no you didn't. You couldn't have."

"i did" The fluffle lowers its head, its smile obscured. "i did friend"

"...How?" Shikieiki posed the fun question.

The fluffle smiled again. "very carefully"

...She pointed to a gold colored rod. "How much for this, then?"

"sixty five million yen, friend"

…

"Do I look like a mint?" Shikieiki deadpanned. "Genuinely, even the ministry's not that absurd. I only paid a hundred thousand for this renewable one." She waved around her stock Rod of Remorse. "It was a good investment… regardless, I see not how some backwater manufacturer of artifacts such as yourself could afford to charge such obscene prices."

The fluffle tilted its head. "is that a no, friend?"

"I will have to decline." Shikieiki shook her head.

The fluffle wiped the rods off the counter, and they vanished from existence.

...Shikieiki leaned over the side of the counter where they vanished, perplexed.

"come back soon" It said. "im dusty."

Help, no.

…

She turned back to me. "...You look troubled."

"I am troubled." I nodded. "Dusty menaces."

Shikieiki snorts. "I see. Spiteful of things different from you?"

Wha- how. I double-take. "How. Why? Where is this logic coming from!?"

She jerks her head back. "There's no need to get all offended, now…"

"Yes, yes there is. Shikieiki, you're a narcissist." Get owned, yo.

Her jaw drops. " _Narcissist_?... Please. I may be arrogant and stubborn, yes, but I am _not_ a narcissist."

I shrug. "Fair enough." I was half-joking with that statement.

…

"...Right." She wasn't expecting agreeance! "Let us resume the task at hand. Also, are you using the romanized version of my name?"

Uh?...

She sees my confusion. "I mean, you're speaking English right now, not Japanese, correct?"

...Rii~ght?

"...My name with western conventions would be Eiki Shiki, the Yamaxanadu."

Huh. Well, color me shitstain brown, then.

"...I see."

We move in through the open gate.

"Just so you know, the mistress is asleep." Meiling calls to us. "If you wake her up... just let it happen."

Eiki pauses. "...Let _what_ happen?"

"Just let it happen." Meiling waves at us. "Trust me. It won't be my fault, either. Since you're with Brad, I can just say it was his fault."

Hyonk. "I accept full responsibility!"

"Good, good…" Meiling repositions herself against the wall.

"...What was that about?" Eiki questions.

I shrug. "Beats me!" I know exactly what that was about. She wouldn't like it, though!

We proceed into the manor…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The door creaks shut…

"...I think I recall this place. I attended a party or two here." Eiki comments.

I see Yellow-chan.

Yellow-chan sees me.

"You…" Yellow-chan raises the broom she had on her for sweeping.

"You fairy fucker." I raise Swift Brand, pointing it at her.

Eiki looks troubled by our exchange. "What?"

Yellow-chan charges me. "Hyaa~h!"

Fwoosh! I blow wind at her with Swift Brand, throwing her off her feet. I run at her, but she rolls back and blocks my downward strike.

Thunk!

"Think fast, dumbass!" I double jump and flee the zone! I land on the foyer stairs, then jump off them. I perform my second jump in the air while she was going around to the front of the stairs, and strike her in the back of the head.

Bam!

She drops to the floor. "Eaaagh!"

...I kick some dust at the back of her head. "Suck it, Yellow-chan!"

...Eiki frowns at me.

Eheh… "...I can explain?" I grin sheepishly.

"Two counts of swearing, and assault of an innocent. One hundred twenty pounds, thirty-two strikes."

Oh, fuck off.

I pocket Swift Brand and take out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber.

"Look, can I just put them on my tab, or somethin'? I promise to be good!"

She swings and misses, striking the base of the stairs.

Bam! Left a dent, that did!

"Look, look, seriously, if you keep-"

I double jump to avoid another slice of her Rod of Remorse.

"-doing that, we're going to get some-"

Swish!

Jesus!

"-unwanted attention!"

I opt to just flee up and down the stairs over and over to tire her out, but uh…

Eiki starts floating.

Goddamn magical girls and their floaty freakin'...!

Swish!

"Get outta here!" I yell.

"Every time I miss does not count towards your punishment!" Eiki exclaims, floating after me.

Sakuya appears! My savior!

"What seems to be the disturbance?" She has her knives at the ready.

"I am being assaulted by Judge Dredd!" I inform Sakuya! "She is the law! Help!"

Swish!

"Haahahaae~lp!"

...Sakuya sighs. "Leave it to you to _somehow_ piss off the Yama enough to have her chase you all the way here, just to beat you with her stick of judgement."

Eiki stops assaulting me for a moment. "It's not a stick of judgement, it's the Rod of Remorse."

"It's called stop making a racket, the mistress is trying to sleep." Sakuya sassed her. "I don't care what he did, it can wait until you're outside the mansion."

"Unacceptable." Eiki huffs. "As the Yamaxanadu of Gensokyo, I have the right to-"

Sakuya brandishes her knives as she speaks.

"- judge sinful individuals wherever, whenever, at any given point in time."

"That's nice." Sakuya glares at her. "I suppose it was too wishful to believe in doing things the easy way."

...Eiki shook her head. "Obstructing justice, fifty pounds, twenty-five strikes."

The circle glows as she changes the sin amount on the Rod of Remorse.

Tension rising!

Eiki steps towards Sakuya. "We _can_ do this the easy way, if you prefer." She pats her rod with her hand.

Sakuya stands still, waiting for the Yama to approach her. "Very well." She folds her arms.

...Eiki raises a brow. "...Your cooperation is unexpected but welcome."

She steps towards Sakuya, and readies to strike…

…

Sakuya appears next to me, and a row of knives are setup around the Yama.

"Easy."

They close in on the Yama… except…

"Judgement. Cleansed Crystal Judgement: Sakuya Izayoi!"

Eiki points her rather tiny mirror at Sakuya. It shimmers briefly as Sakuya stares at it. All the knives that were closing in on Eiki bounced off an invisible force. I assume Eiki had death bombed, or something similar.

How tough is she, really? Like, HP-wise? I'm freakin' clueless!

A thin veil of light shot from the mirror. It rose from the floor, generating a figure. This figure looked like an exact replica of Sakuya.

"What…?" Sakuya readied her knives.

"..." The other Sakuya readied her knives as well, copying the exact movements the original one made.

Eiki smirked. "Here, you will face your innermost demons. Infact, why don't you both reconsider your actions? Judgement, Cleansed Crystal Judgement: Brad-...!" She was looking for a last name, but didn't find it! Suck it!

The veil of light beams out again, and a figure of myself is constructed.

It's another one of _those_ fights. If this one's a _fair_ clone of me, then this should be a piece of cake.

The front door swings open. "Brad-ku~n!"

It's Ha-chan!

She floats in, holding a strange mirror. "Look what I found in the dirt near the lake!"

A fancy mir- wait.

I look into the mirror, and it starts shaking.

It's that fuckin' shadow clone mirror!

"Something's happening!" Ha-chan smiles like a dope.

"Ha-chan, I want you to think _really_ hard for a moment." I begin. "Think back to that time we had to beat the shit out of shadow versions of ourselves."

I hear violence in the background, Sakuya and her clone already going at it in the air over us, exchanging strategically and carefully planned knives as opposed to the typical insano danmaku storms.

...My clone casually walked up to Ha-chan and I.

"..." It couldn't talk. Sucks to suck, son!

Eiki blinked. "...I should have expected something like this."

The mirror shook, and out from it crawled that one bastard again.

I stuck my middle finger at it. My shadow clone shambled from the mirror, his mouth meshed together like some eldritchian wannabe, and his eyes dull as usual.

"Hhhhh…" it hissed.

"Hey there, Mumbles." I'm naming him Mumbles, 'cause he can't talk. "You back for a rematch?"

It reached into its sack. It brandished a blue technical-looking hanger with various glowing orbs at each end of it. New tricks!

"I'll take that as a yes." I ready myself.

My other clone meets the midway between me and Mumbles, and holds three fingers up.

"...Three player duel, yo!" I step back from the two. "You guys suck!"

...Eiki didn't know what to say. "...This is the first time this card yielded such interesting results."

Ha-chan tilted her head, hovering up to Eiki. "You can say that again!"

Eiki didn't know if this fairy even knew what she was talking about, but she didn't really care regardless, apparently.

With the sounds of violence over the three of us, our Bradmatch begins!

I pull out my trusty Swift Brand. "Alright, let's do this!"

My normal clone considers it himself, but he eyes the shadow clone. I'll bet he's considering whether or not to try and mirror me to the T because of the shadow clone's presence.

My clone takes out Flame Salvo instead.

I carefully shift about as the shadow clone stumbles forward. Mumbles is probably the one we should focus on first, if his asshole levels of health, mana, and haxy NPC abilities mean anything.

"Ghk...hhhh…" Mumbles chokes and hisses. Suddenly, it spins around in place.

Krrii~ng!

A large ice spike erupts from the floor near my other clone, sending him sprawling.

I run-

Krrii~ng!

-and trip from the ice spike erupting from the floor. At least it didn't flip me over like it did the other dude, or worse, disembowel me like it was probably intended to do.

"Hhhgh!" Mumbles slams the floor with his hanger.

Fwuuush!

A geyser erupts under both me and the clones, sending us airborne.

"Sweet Jesus, fuck!" I shout, flailing my arms. "Stunlock city! Motherfucker's cheating!"

Oof!

...I sit up to see Mumbles pocket his ice-water hanger. He takes out Super Snipe, the hanger which can shoot instant death-inducing danmaku sniper rounds.

For some reason, I feel like this isn't very fair!

...He takes aim for Eiki instead of any of us.

BLAM

...The bullet collides with Eiki, who steps back a bit, and glares. She then summons a reflective magical barrier. "This is between you three. I'm just going to watch."

"Ggghhh…" Mumbles seems dissatisfied. Eiki is apparently instant death resistant, and fairly knockback resistant.

It turns back to us.

Fwooom!

My clone sends a jet of flames from his Flame Salvo at Mumbles.

"Ghhaahck!" Mumbles wails, and he slams Super Snipe against the floor.

From thin air, a cloak seemingly wielding a scythe appears, approaching my clone.

Swish!

It swings at my clone, who barely falls out of the way of the attack and onto his ass. Fortunately, the grim reaper look-alike vanished after that single attack. Mumbles rose from the floor, and aimed Super Snipe at the clone, all while still burning.

Fwoosh!

I try using a gust of wind from Swift Brand to knock him over, but it seemingly doesn't do anything.

BLAM

...The bullet missed the clone by a hair, at least!

"...!" My clone looks like he's about to shit himself. I don't blame him!

Eiki's face hardens as she watches the conflict. "...I sense greater sin in the dark one."

No shit, huh? How long'd it take you to reach that conclusion? Didja need a few scholarly articles to help you out with that one?

I mean, the fact it's very clearly some eldritchian twat… Does that like, not raise any immediate alarm bells?

Mumbles turns to me.

I pocket Swift Brand, because wind's not gonna be very good against this dude. I take out the holy hanger!

"It's holy." I helpfully provide.

Mumbles aims at me.

I focus mana into the holy hanger.

Flash!

I'm blinded by the resulting flash.

"H-hwaah!" I hear Ha-chan flail wildly.

Pi~ng!

Ha-chan accidently whacked the mirror barrier.

I hear knives clatter against objects that aren't knives. I mighta accidently blinded the Sakuyas, too.

My vision comes to, and I see my clone rubbing his eyes.

Mumbles, however, is having a temper tantrum.

"Hroooaaagh!" He's flailing his arms around like wet noodles, stretching his mouth in ways flesh should not stretch. I don't think he likes light!

I hold up the light hanger again, ready to charge it with more mana-

Clang!

Knives knock it from my hand.

"Not again." Sakuya tells me, hopping away just as fast as she appeared.

Well, shit.

Mumbles finally regains focus, and pockets Super Snipe. He instead pulls out some crimson and black hanger. It has strange, crimson particles flecking off of it, too.

He starts spinning around-

Bam! Boom! Kablam!

The crimson parts turn bright red as the hanger makes multiple close impact explosions as he spins towards my clone. With each explosion, a splotch of black blood is rendered airborne, where it turns into black, softly glowing bullets.

Dayum, son, where'd you find that!? Better question: isn't it counter-productive to hurt your- ooh.

That's probably his Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber counterpart. It's marginally more self-destructive, but also marginally more threatening!

I duck from a splat of blood that soars overhead and strikes the mirror barrier.

"Eeew…" Ha-chan covers her mouth. Eiki winces at the splotch.

Dodges like that always freak me out.

My clone exchanges his Flame Salvo for an Escape Plan. He's only slightly faster from being generally worn instead of legitimately hurt, but y'know. S'all good in the proverbial hood.

...Mumbles stops to pull out a black potion. I hardly use that shit anymore, especially after it made me vomit freakin' jello a few days later. Why's he still got it!?

It pours it into its mesh-like mouth, some of the black potion spilling because it was made for a human mouth, not its freakin' weird mesh mouth.

My clone takes the moment to run towards me like a freakin' stupid person.

I scramble to pull out the first hanger I could, and I pulled out Sharper Than Darkness.

Cla~ng!

Our hangers collide!

After a brief exchange between us, Mumbles throws up.

"Ghooaohk!"

Splat.

"No. _No_ , Mumbles, you do that out in the yard!" I point Sharper Than Darkness at it, and then I realize I'm pointing a dark weapon at a dark frik like a freakin' moron.

My clone pauses, assessing Mumbles as the greater threat again, and strafes away from me.

I pocket Sharper Than Darkness, and take out Quake Bloomer.

Mumbles finishes his hairball and looks up at me, and eyes my weapon.

"Hhhh… Huhnhn!"

It pulls out a mechanical cross.

From nowhere, a dark doll hovers onto the scene, odd metallic prongs projecting from its back. Instead of holding a lance, it's arm is a lance, crackling with electricity.

Oh, shit! I totally forgot I had London!

I pull out my operating cross.

London floats onto the scene, in her armored glory. She wields a burly lance, and stares down the dark London… which doesn't actually look like London at all.

My clone pulls out his operating cross.

...Another London floats onto the scene, identical to mine. Shieut.

"Talk about a civil war…" I chuckle.

"Hhhgh!" Mumbles exclaims intelligently.

...I quickly look down to see the end-chapter summary that no one reads just so I could remind myself what London could do.

…

Oh, shit! Why the hell didn't I summon her before!? I mean, aside from the immense mana that I lose, but still!

"Alright, London, cover me." I point the cross at myself and push the diamond on it.

London orbits around me slowly.

My clone mimics my movements, his London orbiting around him.

Mumbles' doll thing floats toward us instead. It aims its spear arm into the air, and it whirls around, shooting electricity into the air and onto the ceiling. Sparks begin shooting off the chandelier, which is getting fried slowly.

...Both Sakuyas pause.

The dark doll whirls to the side as a flurry of knives aim for it.

"Hhhh…"

Bam!

Mumbles hanger hops into the air with the blast from his Crimson Rocket Hanger, intending to defend the dark doll from the oncoming knife swarm. He twirls through the air, making the hanger explode by will instead of on contact because apparently the cosmos despises me.

Blam! Boom! Kaboom!

His hopping mania is quickly stopped by an unlucky barrage of knives, forcing him to fall to the ground.

Thud.

"Hooogh!"

...I notice my clone casually strutting towards me. I was just about to do that to him, too!

I buff myself with Quake Bloomer, readying myself for my clone's assault.

He points at me, and his London slams its spear into the floor.

…

Krii~ng!

I dodge another freakin' ice spike. Damn it, London!

"Fuck it up!" I point my operating cross at the other London. Alice'd have a field day if she got to see London-on-London action.

London starts floating to engage. Quickly, they're shooting barrages of yellow, diamond-shaped danmaku at one another, gravitating around one another in an inhuman dance that disobeyed gravity and momentum. Occasionally their spears clashed.

Cla~ng!

It was disrupted in a few moments.

Thwaa~sh!

A thunderbolt strikes near them, and they're aggro'd on the dark doll, which seemed to have given up engaging the Sakuyas, now settling for fighting the Londons.

Boom! Blam! Kaboom!

Mumbles is flailing around wildly in the air, its blood splattering around everywhere, making black danmaku particles.

"I don't know what the hell's going on!"

Alright, Mumbles needs to die, he has too much power for his own good. As cheap as it sounds, I should probably team up with that mute me.

I turn to him, and he's slowly and silently trying to approach me with Sharper Than Darkness. He swears, noticing that I noticed him… or at least, tries to swear. Freakin' mute friend.

"Hi, son." I strut towards him. "Let's get fluffy."

He brings out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, grinning at me.

I slam Quake Bloomer into the ground. "Guess what, yo!"

The green magical circle materializes around my clone.

Fwooo…

He stumbles around, looking visibly more tired. He's also fairly alarmed by the development, backpedaling rapidly so that I can't capitalize on his drowsiness. Within moments, he's awake and alert as he was before.

"Runner!" I shouted at him. "You runner! Get back here and let me bash your skull in! Noob! Noo~b!" ...Online game rage, yo~!

...I look back to the Londons, and uh…

Thwaa~sh!

One of them gets struck by a lightning bolt. I dunno who is who.

Fwooosh…!

A jet of flames licks the dark doll, igniting it. It turns to that London and-

Bwaa~m!

-shoots a beam of lightning out, sending it flying. Yellow danmaku pelts the dark doll fruitlessly.

"C'mere, you gothic fuck!" I race towards the dark doll with Quake Bloomer held over my head.

It turns to me, grinning sadistically. The spear starts whirring, and I decide going at a ninety degree angle was a far better option.

Zzzaza~p! Zazap!

I feel myself jitter as some of the lightning barely licks me. Jesus.

Both Londons close it on the dark doll.

Thunk!

Crack!

Both strike it, and the dark doll flies back, its smile becoming maniacal.

It laughed with a raspy voice. "Hehahahah!"

Vrrrrr~!

...It fucking _sparked_ the Londons. Please, no.

...The Londons shakily float up for combat again, their armor falling apart.

I see my clone near the dark doll with Deep Blue. He whirls the valve and tosses it. The water gushing out accents his throw, sending it towards the dark doll like a missile.

Thunk!

It bounced off its head uselessly, but its faint purple skin and gothic lolita outfit was coated with water.

It whirled up its lance arm…

Zztzztztzt!

…

Boom!

The dark doll exploded, accidentally supercharging itself full of electricity.

"Die, you son of a bitch." I quip for my mute clone. He gives me a thumbs up!

...The Londons shakily came at us. The one floating towards me was not my own; it was shooting a few diamond shots at me haphazardly and lethargically.

Once it got close for melee combat, I clotheslined it with my Quake Bloomer.

Bam!

Thud-thudthudthud. This London was no more, now simply piles of parts on the floor.

Bam!

Thud-thudthudthud.

The flaming parts of my London lie on the floor, finished by a double-jumping headbonk from my clone with Flame Salvo.

Thud!

Mumbles lands on the floor, peppered with silver knives.

"Nice moves, Mumbles." Stupid freakin' shadow clone. Even if it was laughably overpowered, it was still unable to hold a candle to Sakuya in direct combat… let alone two Sakuyas.

"Hhhhh…" Mumbles unsteadily raises from the floor, the knives sliding from its flesh. Black blood sizzled on the silver knives.

Holy weaknesses! Too bad Sakuya disarmed me of my one holy weapon…!

My clone brought out his holy hanger, nodding at me. Oh, the perks of co-op mode, yo.

He charges it with mana…

Flash!

This can't be good for my eyes.

"Hrrooaaagh!"

"Snipe that, you freakin' coward!" Seriously, yo. Instant death sniper rifles be OP.

Knives clatter around haphazardly again.

Sakuya was getting pissed! "For the love of…"

As my vision comes to, I see my clone running around, desperately trying to save his holy hanger from many streams of knives.

Cla~ng!

He was not successful!

It flies off and pings off the mirror barrier. My clone goes for it, but knives stop him. Both Sakuyas stand in his way.

"Don't even think about it." The real Sakuya says while the other one just glares him down. They vanish, off to war with one another again.

Clutching Quake Bloomer, I run up to Mumbles.

"Hhghhh…" Mumbles gurgles, wiping black blood from its eyes.

I lift it up for the smooshing time!

"Haahhh…!"

I drop the pain hammer!

Splash!

Black blood splats against the scarlet carpet.

Mumbles' head is wedged in between his shoulders cartoonishly. I back away from it, smiling widely like an asshole.

My clone comes up behind the stumbling form of Mumbles and kicks it in the shin, causing Mumbles to fall over and black tar to flow from the sorry state its head is in.

...I look at Quake Bloomer, examining the black crap on it. "Ech."

My clone, nodding satisfiedly at Mumbles' corpse, holds Flame Salvo threateningly as he approaches me.

Our hangers collide again.

Cla~ng!

The black shit on mine is lit ablaze!

"I am a murder machine!" I move it around elaborately, but it just tires me out.

Cla~ng!

He strikes it again accidentally, trying to actually hit me that time.

I bring it around and clip his leg, but he hops away clumsily.

"Alright son, you asked for it!" I started summoning wooden blocks and tossing them at him.

Clink! Clink! Clink!

He deflected each one with Flame Salvo, and they flew off and created fire hazards. Wet knives quickly followed.

ShikShikShik!

Each of my blocks were stopped by water knives. The two Sakuyas stood at each of us.

"Please, try not to burn the mansion down. Again." Sakuya told my clone, while the clone Sakuya proceeded to sigh silently.

...Reluctantly, my clone pockets Flame Salvo, and I pocket Quake Bloomer…

...We resume tossing blocks back and forth at each other.

Thunk!

"Yeah, fuck you!"

Thwack!

"Shit!"

He neared me and reached into his sack, and on reflex I kicked him…

...in the jewels.

"...!" My clone's eyes widen, kneeling over, eyes tearing.

I jump. "Oh, crap! I-It was an accident, and you just- and I-"

He holds his arm up shakily. I pause.

...He gives me the middle finger.

"Alright, son." I take out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber. "It's fun time."

He tries to back away, but falls on his ass, legs shaking.

I toss it at him.

Boom!

Pi~chun!

He explodes into light danmaku bullets and magic.

Bam!

...and my hanger hits the floor again.

Just like that, the great Bradmatch came to an end…

...I walked towards Eiki, but walked into the mirror barrier.

Pi~ng!

"Oof…"

Eiki shook her head. "The other two are still fighting."

Woah, no.

"...I don't know what to say about your battle. You seem to be a very sinful individual."

Hell with the succubi, here I come! "I try my best, yo."

A pair of double doors at the top of the foyer swing open. "What's going on…?"

Remilia tiredly looks across the lobby. Her eyes scan the air for the Sakuya battle, then she sees the black shit everywhere and the rotting, half-decayed corpse in the middle of the carpet, which was still gurgling tar, mind you.

She then noticed the judge. The Sakuyas stopped, realizing she was there.

"...Another one of _those_ dreams. Boring."

Remilia slowly closed the double doors.

…

"...Unexpected, but fortunate." Eiki recognized.

Pi~chun!

Sakuya takes this moment to assassinate her clone, which explodes in a flurry of knife danmaku that quickly dissipates into simple particles.

Eiki sighed. "...It appears my spell card was bested. I'll have to postpone your punishment for when we find my subordinate, then."

Hyonk.

"Let's get outta here, yo." I begin to walk for the door when Eiki grabs the back of my shirt… overall… thing.

"We came to find my subordinate. We're not leaving until we confirm what she was looking for is still here."

Oh, right, the tea table. Uhhh…

Sakuya appears next to us. "...I'm afraid I must ask you to leave. My mistress needs her beauty sleep-"

She pulls me aside and loudly whispers in my ear. "She's cranky when she wakes up. Don't make it harder on me."

Sakuya pushes me away before I can reply. "-and I'm afraid your presence here creates a disturbance. You may return at nightfall if you wish, however."

Eiki shakes her head. "We're on an important mission." She flashes a badge of some sort. "Yama business."

Sakuya sighs. "...You'll have to negotiate with her yourself, you do realize?"

Eiki nods determinedly. "That will be no problem."

Sakuya shakes her head, and vanishes.

Turning to me and gesturing for me to follow, Eiki races up the foyer steps and into the double doors Remilia receded into.

...I scratch the back of my head. Uh-oh spaghettios!

A gap opens up next to me! "...Where exactly did _she_ come from?"

I turn to Yukari, who was poking her head out. "Hell."

Yukari pouts at me. "By the way, this is for earlier."

Slap!

I clutch my cheek. "Ayeo! Would it kill you to freakin' stop doin' that!?"

"Would it kill you to stop going against a lady's wishes?"

Before I can retort to Yukari's smug remark, she's gone.

I'd comment on that here, but standards won't let me!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I catch up with Eiki, and we're nearly to Remilia's room.

"Eiki, do you think this is uh, such a good idea?" I shakily ask her, both from freakin' running and because _Eiki why you do this_.

Ha-chan catches up behind us all of a sudden. "He~y!"

I double-take at her. "Where'd you go!?"

"I brought refreshments!" Ha-chan holds up a tray with a pitcher on it. "Did you win?"

I shake my head solemnly. "No, I lost all the cash prizes."

Ha-chan looks disappointed.

I slow down so I can snatch the pitcher from her.

"Hey! I brought cups, too!" She reaches into one of her pockets. The cups pour out, littering the floor. "...Had cups."

I start chugging the red mixture.

This is Kool-Aid…!

My eyes light up like a car's gas going from empty to full, and I race towards Eiki. With a renewed spring in my step, I quickly close the distance.

"You should try this!" I lift the jug. "Stuff's good for ya!"

Eiki stops on a dime, throwing me off. I slowly run slower, and eventually stop.

"...Very well." She eyes it receptively. "I suppose it couldn't hurt."

She takes the jug of Kool-Aid and begins sipping…

…

"Haahh…" Was that half the pitcher in a sip?

She looks around, then at me.

"...Cheap sugar water." She shakes her head. "Flavoring seems artificial. This is not, infact, good for you."

I shake my head. "No taste, yo. No taste."

She hands me back the pitcher, and I take the moment to chug some of it.

Gulp...Gulp...Gulp…

"Hahh…"

Shared an indirect kiss. Woo. Celebration…?

…

Yeah, I don't really care about that sort of thing. Especially not while on a Kool-Aid high. I didn't even _taste_ her saliva anywhere- she didn't even leave any! Freakin' judges.

Now, if she was Patchy, that'd be a totally different story…!

"Come on." Eiki gets bored of waiting for me, and marches marches forward at a more leisurely pace.

...Ha-chan stares at me. "Can I have some, too?"

It was almost all gone.

I shrugged. "Sure."

Ha-chan took the pitcher and inhaled the rest of the Kool-Aid.

Wait shit I forgot what Kool-Aid does to-

…

Oh, fuck me.

She turns to me, smiling.

Fuck me! Fuck! Noo~!

"BraaaAAAAAA-!"

THWAAA~SH!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Probably didn't help how the manor had no roof. There wasn't much damage, but holy shit, man. You had to like, be there. I'm pretty sure everyone in Gensokyo saw that shit. The entire second floor and the rafters above are like, trashed.

Patchouli was nearby, instructing a team of fairies to make a voyage to Eientei for burn cream and some grounding wire… and rubber everythings. The library was totally fine since it's a little disconnected from the manor at this point, even if reconstructions have reached it.

...Sakuya, Eiki, and I bowed around a singed Remilia. We were all singed, and slightly jittery.

"I promise to never let a fairy drink Kool-Aid and cast Hammer of Dawn on the manor's roof again." I solemnly vow to her.

"I promise to never let a maid drink Kool-Aid without moderation… and sufficient safety precautions." Sakuya solemnly vows.

"...I did nothing wrong." Eiki argues.

Remilia hits her with a broom, something Sakuya had quickly found her in the chaos. Eiki doesn't seem to be affected, though. "This wouldn't have happened if you didn't barge in here demanding my _tea table_ of all things! What-... what even happened in the lobby? All that black goo? Whose fault was that?"

...The three of us look to each other confusedly. Technically, it was Ha-chan's fault for bringing the dark mirror, but uh… she's dead right now. Not only that, but I don't think Eiki or Sakuya blamed her for the result.

"...Whatever." Remilia shakes her head. "...First peaceful sleep in forever, and then _you_ bozos go and ruin it. Ugh…" She turns to Patchouli. "I see what you mean about stupidity causing headaches, Patchy."

"Trust me, you have no idea." Patchouli shakes her head in return.

"Me? No idea?" Remilia scoffs. "My mansion burned down because a fairy thought _hiding the fire_ was a good idea. I've yet to see your library collapse in on itself… recently." Remilia adds the last part reluctantly.

Patchouli yawns. "Only through my hard work and perseverance have I prevented a great number of potential calamities from befalling it. This manor, on the other hand, is simply too big to mandate the care of every fairy worker."

The perks of being understaffed!

...I yawn because Patchy yawned. Freakin'...

...Eiki yawns.

Sakuya yawns.

...Remilia begins to yawn but stops herself. "...I should go back to…" She gives into the yawn! "...bed."

She walks off, but as she does, she stops to turn back at us. "...If I didn't make this clear yet, you're not welcomed here in the daytime, Yama. You were not invited, either. I'll overlook this just once because of the circumstance, but I had better not see you abuse your authority anymore than you have."

Eiki glares at her. "Look, I was only doing what was in my lawful duty to do-"

Remilia interrupts her. "Rubbish."

"-and I was informed that my subordinate was sent here to search for said tea table."

Remilia raised a brow. "Who? That shinigami of yours?"

Eiki nods.

"Didn't see her. Who told you?"

"Brad."

…

Remilia facepalms. "Of course."

I smile sheepishly. "...Hey, she was _supposed_ to be here." Heheh… no she wasn't, but if we can play it off like she was, then y'know…

"Well, she's not. Don't bring guests like _that_ to the manor." Remilia turns back, walking away.

…

Patchouli stares at me for a few moments, before floating away.

There's something I dislike about being scolded.

Eiki was frowning. "...Sinful vampire." Oh, shut it, you prude. She was kinda in the right of way anyway, this _is_ her place.

Even if I've kinda fucked with the architecture… and caused its destruction inadvertantly a few times.

"She had no place treating us like intruders. We were here on business." Eiki complains.

I stand and turn to her. "Look, I get it. Scary cosmic powers and all that, but you've kinda got a stick up your ass."

She glares at me. "Insults will not place the blame for this incident on me, human child. Rather, the vampire is the one at-"

"No, she's not." I interrupt her.

"Don't interrupt me." Eiki demands.

"Look- sorry- look, what do you know of a vampire's sleeping patterns?"

Eiki folds her arms. "The guard let us in. She should have been notified and ready from that point onward."

I shake my head. "Did you not notice how our method of entry was under-the-table, so to speak?"

Eiki stares at me levelly. "I did, and that is the vampire's fault for not holding stricter mandation of policy among her servants."

Eiki's a freakin' asshole.

"I will wait for you at the gate outside." Eiki left the singed hallway.

…

"We're back with the burn supplies!"

I hear Komi float in past Eiki with a sponge, a bucket, and some rubber pads. Koi floats in drunkenly behind her, and Namori floats in timidly empty-handed.

...Komi dumps a bucket of water on me, which isn't unwelcomed, actually.

"Have fun with that." She tosses a sponge at me which bounces off my head.

"I'm squeaky clean." I snark. I'm actually just caked in soot, now.

"Oh, shi~t Komi-chaaha~n!" Koi crashes into the wall, and falls to the floor.

Thud.

"...I-I shouldn't ha~ve eaten all those… paint… k-k-..."

"Pain killers…" Namori corrects before she finishes butchering the sentence.

"Paint colors!" Koi chirps.

…

"Here…" Namori sends a small surge of bubbles my way, which pop on me and wash me off surprisingly fast.

"Cool." I smile at her. "Thanks for the actual help!"

…I look around for Sakuya, only to notice she made her way out when I didn't realize it. Freakin'...

I go to catch up with Eiki.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: PATCHOULI KNOWLEDGE'S PERSPECTIVE ====

After we had finished listening in on their conversation, I follow Remi to her room as she exerts her frustration verbally.

"Arrogant, stupid Yama…" Remi mumbles. "Who does she think she is?"

"A Yama." I provide helpfully.

...Remi turns to me. "Shut up, Patchy."

I smirk. "It is assured that she will have a troublesome time with that human, at least."

At that, Remi smiles. "...Yeah. She's got her work cut out for her. Brad's an asshole."

"Mmm…" That he was. Amusing to observe, nonetheless, but still troublesome to deal with personally.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Overall, that didn't go the way I wanted it to! Instead of the Yama getting her ass beat, _I_ got my ass beat. The idea was to get Eiki in a conflict with someone, but she seems to like playing the role of "asshole diplomat" too much.

That is, of course, the _wors_ t kind of diplomat. Especially with semi-diplomatic immunity.

"What was the next item on her list?" Eiki asks me.

We were outside the gates of the manor now. Meiling was freakin' asleep.

"hi friends" Just ignore him…

Well, I could end this quickly since the day is nearing its end, and Komachi, drunk or not, is likely to have gotten at least _some_ of the materials I requested of her.

...I was about to say 'donation box' but I realized Reimu wasn't home. We'd be able to take her empty donation box, yes, but that wouldn't accomplish anything… and her shrine is broke, both literally and figuratively at the moment, so uh…

There's no guarantees that Marisa'd be home, and hmmm…

I _could_ take her to Eientei and see if the immortals are having a duel, or I could try and convince her taking one of Yuuka's sunflowers is a good idea… or maybe not. Hmm.

"...Well?" Eiki folds her arms.

"I'm thinking, woman. Yo."

…

Actually, let's take her to Eientei. I'll show her the _internet_. She'll never be the same again.

...Ye~s!

"We need… A digital copy of Half Life 3." I tell Eiki.

"A what?"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 26

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed.

INVENTORY:

Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. Has a very situational instant-death dealing condition that, let's be honest, I probably couldn't fulfil; it's just there for world building. Help no.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives that I mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out...

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

Eiki Shiki, Yamaxanadu, the Judge of Paradise - Judge of the dead. Can send people to heaven or hell based on their life's sins. Actions you've done can help or hurt you. Is pretty durable and has immense mana.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Rod of Remorse - A renewable make of the all-time classic. Approved by four of five Yamas. Normally as weightless as paper, this rod can be enchanted by the nature of one's sins. A Yama can custom-write sins to the rod, but strikes and weight have to be proportional to regulations or the rod will fail. Must be a Yama to operate, or it just doesn't work. When paired with the Cleansed Crystal Mirror, recorded sins of one's observed life can be directly transferred to the rod by spiritual USB cords! Never has sending the souls of the evil to Hell been easier!

INVENTORY:

Cleansed Crystal Mirror - A pocket mirror which can reveal the entirety of one's life, and reveal the sins within. When paired with the Rod of Remorse, recorded sins of one's observed life can be directly transferred to the rod by spiritual USB cords! Never has sending the souls of the evil to Hell been easier!

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

a rather quick chapter to write, even if it was drawn out by life shite to normal lengths

regardless, time was saved by the nature of the chapter!

...fluffy days

it has SRS MOMENTS, it has FUN MOMENTS, but overall eiki is KIND OF A BUZZKILL… let us see if we can change that with ALL THE INTERNET PORN

WAHAHA

see you all next time, friends!


	31. Judge Eiki: I Am The Law

(in which we psychologically traumatize a judge, or try to)

Nearing Eientei, I held a finger in the air to keep Eiki silent.

"Get ready to open fire and fight…!" I whisper to her.

If there was one thing she was good at, it was baselessly defending me from random youkai and fairies on the basis that killing me and/or letting me die would be a sin. Considering she's also a brick wall with eyes, that made it really hard to do anything if anyone disagreed with her.

She double-takes. "Fight? What?"

"Shhh! Not 'till you spot the whites of their eyes!" I stress.

I look over the bushes, and I see…

Fluffles. Milling about.

...Nothing strange about that? Yo, look, when the _hell_ did fluffles ever just mill about for no reason? Unless it's a pile of dust and stuff, they're not just gonna _be_ around!

I come around the corner with Quake Bloomer and clothesline one, reducing it to fluff.

"Eiki, I got him! Eiki, do something about the others!"

Her eyes widen. "W-what are you doing!? Killing these defenseless creatures…!"

Ooohhh, if you've seen some of the things these little fuckers can do, you'd call them anything _but_ defenseless.

"Waaa~l!" They begin wailing. One of them flees, while the other two rush at me to engage.

Thunk! I crushed one.

The other one began crawling up my leg. It eventually reached my face, where it hugged me.

…

"...Well." It's not unwelcomed!

...It started headbutting me gently.

I ripped it off my face, "Here, fluffcakes." and tossed it at Eiki.

She caught it, with her face. "A-ah…"

…

I heard Eiki's muffled voice. "It smells dusty."

The fluffle squirmed around fluffily.

...Moments later, she tore it off, coughing. "Ack-ugh, t-too dusty…"

She threw it away, where it proceeded to climb a tree and make itself scarce, like the dust devil it freakin' is.

"You're dusty." I tell her.

My nerves towards her had cooled off during the long walk towards Eientei. Even if she was kind of a narrow-minded lawful asshole, you could still have some fun with her if you just treaded around shit she doesn't get uppity about.

Like sins. Or opinions!... or having fun…

…

Well, not so much the last part. Kinda.

Okay, it's pretty bad, but still…

I stretch, and walk towards the entrance.

"...Wait, what was all that sneaking for?" Eiki realizes we had snuck for the past ten minutes for nothing.

I turn to her. "...My fluff sense was tingling."

In truth, I was listening for a violent struggle between the immortals, but uh… not today, yo.

Guess I'm just gonna have to show her… the horrors…

...of the Internet.

I take out my Yin-Yang Flail-o-copter.

Eiki takes notice of it. "...Are those… undergarments?"

I nod. "Only the fanciest method of travel."

"Travel." She sighs.

I begin spinning it, and floating into the air.

"...Gensokyo really is a strange place." Eiki shakes her head.

"Hop on, friend." I call out to her before I get too high up from the floor.

She floats herself. "I can fly just fine, thank you."

…

"And you're callin' me weird!?"

She doesn't reply, just stares at me. Judgingly.

Hahah.

...I progress towards Kaguya's window.

Bam! My flail embeds itself in the wall as I smash my way in through the new window.

Shatter!

"Huhuhee~y!" I yell. "Here's Brad!"

Kaguya and Mokou turn to me from their game on a plasma screen TV.

"...I should really just install an overhang with a door there." Kaguya reflects.

Mokou shrugs. "What, and make it easier for me to kill you in your sleep?"

"It'd have guards." Kaguya argues.

"...I can still break through that window just fine." Mokou shrugs.

Kaguya raises a finger. "But you haven't yet."

"Well, why would I when I can just bust the fuck in through a wall!?"

…

"Because the walls have ears." Kaguya smirks.

"Fuck you." Mokou seethes, returning to the game.

…

Eiki floats in behind me. "...What improper language."

Mokou turns back to her. "And who're you? My mother?"

Eiki stares at her condescendingly. "Your judge."

I tap her shoulder.

...She turns to me. "Yes?"

"She uh… you're not gonna be judging her. Ever." I inform her.

Mokou realizes who this is. "Ohhh, ooh! You're that Shikieiki person all the youkai bitch about sometimes! You sound like you've got a big stick up- nevermind." Mokou realizes she was about to insult her.

I shake my head. "Already told her that. She didn't buy it."

Mokou snorted. "Figures."

"..." Eiki looked fairly displeased. "I'll have you know, in proper westernization, my name is-"

"Shut up." Mokou blatantly disrespects her.

"...You are undoubtedly being sentenced to Hell for such blatant disregard." Eiki shakes her head solemnly. "I can already tell your life is going down a dangerous path."

"Look lady, my life's been on a dangerous path for a _long fuckin'_ time, and I don't need some _suit_ tellin' me shit I already know." Mokou growls at her.

...She takes a sip from what looks like a fast food soft drink cup.

"...As I was saying, she's uh, immortal. As in, she can't die… so you're not gonna _be_ judging her." I finish telling Eiki about the situation.

"...I need to keep reminding myself that this is Gensokyo we're talking about…" Eiki sighs again.

Kaguya has been precariously silent throughout this exchange. I take it's because she's into all them politics and things around Gensokyo, so she's not going to be into blatantly offending a power unless they act like real shitheads.

...Which should be relatively soon, once Eiki starts inadvertently pushing some buttons with her big, lawful ego.

They appear to be playing Mario Party 2. How they got the correct console and cart, I'll never know.

"Freakin' Mario Party." I comment.

"The graphics _su~ck_." Kaguya complains.

"You suck." Mokou jabs.

...The AI was in the lead, predictably. Freakin' Luigi. That game's luck was rigged to hell, anyway.

Eiki leans over the couch. "...I'm getting the impression that this group dynamic is quite volatile."

"You've _really_ cornered the market on telling me _things I already know._ " Mokou snaps back with vigorous amounts of sass.

Eiki blinks, not expecting such escalation.

...She turns to me, smirking. "I see, _these_ are the people who you base yourself from…"

My spidey senses are tingling. "...That means?"

"This is your 'normal'. This is the crowd you try to fit in." Eiki grins triumphantly.

I don't even have words. That… that flawed logic! Aaauugh!

"...But- how, why." I begin. "Who. Where, and when?"

Kaguya whistled. "Exasperation from _that_ lunatic is a first for me, too."

Freakin'... "You try _really_ hard to rationalize things for the sake of being right, don't you?" I question Eiki.

She nods. "If I wasn't right all the time, how would I know if I was judging souls correctly?"

Mokou snorts, but doesn't comment.

Hmmm. I dunno much about soul judging, but uhh… "If your soul judging is as bad as your people judging right now, I think dying might be something to be afraid of."

"What!?" Eiki roars. She takes a moment to compose herself. "...Do you even _know_ what it is I do whenever I judge a soul?"

Yes and no. I know you use the mirror and the beatdown stick, but I dunno much else aside from that. I don't wanna take a chance and say anything, though.

"...Precisely." She huffs. "Don't get all offended just because I accurately judged your character."

"But- you didn't!" I argue. "You've talked with me like, today! Only!"

She shakes her head. "That is all the time I need."

…

Alright, son. My day's judgements are clearly all inaccurate, but yours, ohh ho ho ho!

...I walk around the couch and contemplate sitting between Mokou and Kaguya. Quickly I realize that would be, infact, the _worst_ idea. Instead, I just sit on one of the chairs of the couch.

I think I'd drive myself insane- more insane than I already was, mind you- if I kept trying to argue with miss Law and Order over there.

"...Where is this Half Life 3?" Eiki asks abruptly.

Kaguya freezes, and eyes Eiki rather curiously

"Let me show you, friend." I get up and move towards the computer. I turn to Kaguya, "Hey, Kaguya, we're gonna be looking up some rule thirty-four on your browser." If I said porn outright, Eiki'd explode.

She shrugs. "I got adblock on."

Groovy.

"C'mere, you yabadabadoo."

Eiki glares at me. Hyonk.

Opening up an incognito window on Chrome, I quickly navigate to Google Images and look up a body pillow of her.

"W-what even… Why?" Eiki blushes. "Why are those images on there?"

"It's called the internet, son." I introduce it. "It's a place of wonder and ruin."

"I-I've used the internet before, though. It's not some inane humiliation device." Eiki's rage is slowly rising as I bring up more and more lewd images of her…

I shrug. "But the internet is for porn!"

"No, it's not. It's a data processing, archival, and-"

"It's for porn." I stress.

"I'd buy it." Kaguya agrees with me from the sofa.

Eiki looks upset. "I-is this all you buffoons see technology for? Carnal pleasure!?"

I nod. "Yeah, basically."

"..." Eiki shakes her head. "...In any case, I'd like you to remove those images of me."

Pffft. "Like I could. They've been on the internet for freakin' forever."

She furrows her brows. "What?"

I put a hand up. "Lemme put it this way… Grass grows, birds fly, you judge people… and the internet makes porn."

"That's… that's perverted! It's wrong!" She stomps the floor. "I won't stand for this!"

I shrug. "Outside world problems, yo."

She holds up her rod. "Sin of perversion! One thousand pounds, nine thousand nine hundred ninety-nine strikes!"

Fwooosh! Eiki roars with power!

"Shit, not the computer!" I shield it. "Anything but the computer!"

"H-hey, hey!" Kaguya gets up. "What do you think you're doing!?"

"This tool of lechery must be destroyed!" Eiki brings up her rod as Kaguya comes at her with a flying kick.

They collide.

Kaa~BOOM

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...I crawl out of a pile of wood and rubble…

"H-holy shit…"

Kaguya's entire room was leveled in the collision.

I look up to see Eirin confronting Eiki.

"...Not to disrespect you, Yama, but I think it would be best for the both of us if you didn't run around smashing things at your leisure."

Eiki folds her arms. "It was for a valid cause! That device was created with malicious-"

"Silence." Eirin firmly asserted.

"-intent…" Eiki trailed off.

"It is important that you do not blame the technology itself for its uses, if they are unintended or unforeseen. While this varies on context, I can assure you that something as trivial as a personal computer was not a device created for the sole purpose of perversion." Eirin lectures the lecturer.

"But-"

"Now, that brings me to my next point…" Eirin talks over her. "...You've killed the princess."

Eiki freezes. "I-I... " She looks over to Kaguya's limp body. "S-she's dead!?"

Eirin nods. "Fortunately for you, she's also immortal… so she'll recover. The only reason I'm not killing you on the spot right now is because you are Gensokyo's Yama, and killing you would probably wind up inconvenient in the long run. This is why I ask you to leave… _now_."

Eiki looks displeased, but she consents. "...Very well."

"Good." Eirin stands there, waiting for her to leave.

...I stand from the debris. "...Pain." My everything aches!

...Eirin sees me, and sighs. "...I assume collateral from the Yama's intrusion?"

Eiki twitches at the word 'intrusion'.

I nod. "Yeah, probably."

"...Very well, I'll see you some painkillers when the next batch is ready. Some other customers came by and bought out our stock."

They may have also happened to down the entire stock themselves. Koi was going to be hammered for _days_ , if she didn't die eventually from the overdose. She'd respawn anyway, so it's gonna be a few days of bliss for her before she slowly dies a painkiller-induced death.

...I look over to the couch, and see Mokou sitting on the remaining half of it, playing a 3DS. Freakin' business as usual for her.

At least I wasn't sharing the blame with Eiki this time! I escaped by manner of being under a pile of rubble!

Eiki sighs. "Let's… just go."

She floats off the platform. I'd say out the window, but the window has since gone on vacation ala explosions.

...Eirin stares at me. "...Would you happen to know why the Yama came, today?"

I shrug. "Look, she's just freakin' dragging me around places. Believe it or not, she's the reason a trio of fairy maids came by to buy a plethora of supplies from you."

Eirin blinks. "...Hmm. I take it she caused that colossal lightning strike?"

I shake my head. "Nah, that was just a fairy maid drinking Kool-Aid."

"...Oh." Eirin didn't know what to say about that. Her following reply was a dull statement. "...Interesting."

She probably thought I was bullshitting that last part… but the sad part was that it was also the truth. Eheh…

...Going around the side of the blown-up wall, I find my flail-o-copter.

"I'm off to follow the Yama around before she damns my soul to Hell for all eternity!" I cheerfully see myself off. "Have fun, friends!"

I begin spinning the flail, and fly away…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: FUJIWARA NO MOKOU'S PERSPECTIVE ====

That flail's still really fuckin' weird.

...The doc sighs. "This room will be costly to repair."

Hah. "Costly? For you?"

She turns to me, frowning. "That computer costed three hundred thousand yen _alone_. Think of all the consoles…"

"And?"

"...I wouldn't expect you to know much about economics." Eirin shakes her head at me.

Same old insults. More things I supposedly 'don't know much about'. Whatever.

"...I should have demanded she pay for it." Eirin hissed.

Hahah. Sucks to be you.

"At least it's no different from your usual raids. _That_ part of the funds was partially accounted for." Eirin smugly added.

Fuck.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

I catch up with Eiki at the fluffle stand between Eientei and the village.

"im a fluffle nut stone" The fluffle frik informs us.

Eiki turns to me. "...Well, we didn't find whatever we were looking for."

I shake my head. "You blew it up anyway, so it's not like Komachi could find it."

"T-that was it?" Eiki glared at me. "...U~gh…"

It was pretty much night now.

A large, burly youkai with tree trunk-esque arms approached the stand.

"Huhuhee~y kids! Wanna get… _nuked_!?" His arms began glowing orange.

Eiki holds up her rod, and the fluffle pulls out a _bazooka_.

Before Eiki says anything, the fluffle fires.

Boo~m!

"Guurraagh!" The youkai is thrown back, the huge blast forcing me to wince and shield myself as Eiki does the same.

Blood spatters across the path and nearby grass.

...Once the smoke blows over, the youkai's left with a gaping hole in his chest. I won't go into details, but let's just say bones probably aren't supposed to look like a bowl of cereal on the inside.

Eiki blinks, turning to the fluffle. "...What."

"I told you, they're the freakin' dust bunnies from hell!" I stress.

"im friendly"

…

Eiki was at a loss for words. "B-but… What?"

I shake my head. "Alright, yo. We got one last item to check off…"

She gestures to the fluffle. "That _thing_ just killed a youkai."

I nod. "They probably kill lots of other things that inconvenience them, too."

…

"I think I see what you mean…" Eiki frowns. "Sin of murder. One hundred strikes, five hundred pounds."

Fwoosh!

The fluffle raises its bazooka again in anticipation.

"Here!"

Eiki leaps high into the air, likely accenting her jump with flight.

Fwoom!

A rocket flies past her, missing.

Bam!

Eiki touches down, turning the fluffle into pieces of fluff'n'stuff with a single powerful blow. She also annihilated the stand it operated.

"...It's dead, apparently." Eiki stands from the small crater she made. "I'll have to judge it later, then. Peculiar, as I've never judged a single one of these creatures."

"From what I know, they're not even alive. They're freakin' doll things." Or elemental things. I dunno.

"...Hmm. Well, I suppose we shouldn't dwell too deeply on it. We have more important matters at hand." Eiki proceeds towards the village. "What is the next item?"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I told her the item was a bar stool.

We're also on the village streets now, by the way.

"I'm tellin' you, it's _the_ bar stool!" I try to justify the choice of places to go!

"She'd have taken something like that already! Why are we even bothering!?" Eiki shouts at me. Villagers stare, but when they recognize the Yama, they kinda just nod it off.

"Ohh ho ho ho, friend. It's the bar stool to end all bar stools. No way she got it in a day." I wag a finger at her. "It's in…"

I look at the Golden Grin. Eeehhh, too classy for Komachi, methinks…

I look some other nameless pub right next to it. Perfect!

"In there!" I ran towards the small, house-sized pub.

"Hey, hey!" Eiki runs after me.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Wow. This place is fookin' dismal.

Looking around the pub, it looked more like a house with a bar counter. In the back was a tiny staircase, and I could see divisions where walling was recently torn down.

A very tired girl seemed to be the bartender.

"H-hey…" She meekly greeted me. "W-what may I get you?"

I walk up to the counter. "...Uh… you got any orange juice?"

"No…" She frowns.

"I would like a fine wine. Not too much alcohol, preferably." Alright Eiki. This place'll totally have fancy wine if it didn't have OJ.

"S-sorry…" She looks genuinely upset by being unable to fulfill our order.

…

"...Water?" I smiled sheepishly.

"...I-I'll go get the buckets. Please, wait here…" She gets up and grabs some buckets, then walks out the back door, leaving the 'bar' totally unattended. The place is now freakin' empty aside from me and Eiki.

…

We wait a little awkwardly.

"...She didn't seem to be in high spirits." You are a _master_ of observation, Eiki.

"Nah, that was her on a good day." I snarked.

Eiki jerks her head back. "You know her?"

"Freakin', no, yo. I was just being an asshole towards you."

Eiki scowled, looking away.

…

The door opens up, and the petite girl slowly and carefully makes her way in with the two buckets. "H-here…"

She rests them on the floor, and lifts one onto the counter.

…

"...We don't… have cups." She tells us. "I had to sell them."

The fuck? We need a bar rescue down here, pronto! This place literally seems to be on the verge of going under!

"...You had to sell them." Eiki echoes disbelieving.

"Yes." The girl nods.

"...Okay, then…" Eiki looks incredibly awkward.

…

"You see a red-headed dame 'round these parts?" I ask her.

"U-uhm…"

I cup my non-existent chest. "She's got the bi~g jugs. I mean big!"

" _Brad._ " Eiki glares at me.

"W-well, there _was_ someone like that not too long ago…" The girl fidgets. "S-she was carrying a ton of stuff, and asked if I had room for her to stay the night… She might have gone to an i-inn."

I nod. "Thanks for the info, yo. I'd pay you for the uh…"

I stare into the bucket of water.

The bucket of water stares back.

"Jesus!"

I flinch, my spazzy arms sending the bucket flying. The water pours out, and a fluffle scurries out, soaked.

"Waaa~l!"

Freakin'...!

I try to grab it, but it escapes, sliding off the counter and under it.

"I-I'm so sorry…!" The girl cups her hands to her mouth.

I shake my head. "It's nothin', yo. Just freakin'... fluff stuffs."

Eiki lays down some yen on the counter. "I believe five hundred yen should cover this."

The girl actually smiles. "T-thank you…!"

Eiki brings the wood bucket to her mouth, and begins drinking…

A fluffle climbs out of it onto her face, knocking her hat off.

"..." She froze.

I smile. "It's snuggly, yo…!"

"Gaaa~h!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

It's that one inn on the corner again!

The man at the counter looks up at me. His reaction makes me realize I forgot to put my wig back on.

His eyes widen. "You…!"

Good thing we haven't seen Keine yet!

"I'm going to choke you to death, you raging barbarian!" He leaps over the counter. I bring out Swift Brand-

Thwack!

Cla~ng!

Eiki nimbly smacks the man in the gut with the Rod of Remorse, then disarms me.

"No fighting in a place of business. I thought establishments in this village were more respectable than that."

He freezes. "Y-yama…!"

He dives back over the counter and hides.

…

Various inn patrons stare at that scene, but go back to business as usual later.

"He~y! You scared the barkeep off…!"

Komachi turns on her seat, and sees her boss.

"...Ah."

I wave. "Hello, friend. Do you have the list of lists?"

She blinks. "...Oh, this thing?" She pulls it out from between her breasts. "When I came to, I had it on me. I thought it was boss' crap at first, so I bought it with the job funds, but then I realized I didn't recognize the handwriting. I got it all upstairs in my room, here."

I nod. "Coolio, yo."

Eiki is pissed as usual. "Absolutely unacceptable! Those funds are for important job materials, such as writing instruments, and papers for documents!"

...I pick up Swift Brand, and hit myself in the arm. "Oof! That one actually hurt!"

Eiki stares at me. She's lookin' _real_ tired of my shit.

I hit myself harder. "Ouch!"

Komachi looks worried. "...Boss, what'd you do to him?"

"He's always like this…" Eiki sighs.

I hit myself again. "Ah! Fuck…"

I think that's enough self-harm.

I take out the Escape Plan. I am the man with the plan, Eiki!

"What room is it?" I ask Komachi.

"...D-2." She answers. "I like that one 'cause I engraved my name on the bed!"

"...Why would you? Wait... how often do you even come here...?" Eiki grabs onto Komachi's arm. "...We're going to get a refund on those goods you bought and then I'm giving you a piece of my mind."

Komachi struggles lightly. "B-boss, please…" She pleads futily.

"No. You've disappointed me." Eiki shakes her head. "This is the third time this month you've done something like this, and it disgusts me to be brutally honest with you. Why, back at my other position…"

Before she continues her rant, I wave goodbye. "Gotta go fast!"

They watch me dash up the stairs with a slight extra haste to my steps!

Racing up the steps, I push past people and keep going until I reach room D-2.

I bang on the door. "Open up, this is the police! Captain pilot man person speaking!"

She locked it! No matter…

I take out Quake Bloomer. "Alright, time to fuck up the door!"

One… two… three…

I buff myself and charge the door.

Bam!

…

That's a uh… that's a fookin'-A quality door, right there.

Alright, take two…

Bam!

You kidding me?

C'mon…!

Bam!

The door is thrown open. Various patrons had moved from their room to observe the racket. Once I bust in, a man runs to the door after me.

"Hey! You can't just do that!"

I turn to him. "I just did!"

It's some balding man in this fifties, brown hair and stuff. He looks pissed at me for breaking and entering someone's room!

"You no good thief! Wait until I get the town guards on you!"

I lift Komachi's bag of threads and pancake mix. "Well, when you do, tell 'em my name's Duke Nukem, and after some R&R, I'll be ready for more action!"

He glares at me as I hop into the window. He moves to stop me, but I leap outside.

I double jump before I hit the ground outside, saving my legs.

He looks at me as I leave the window.

"Thief! Robbery! Thie~f!"

I quickly weave between the nearby buildings, destroying any hope for guard pursuit. I assume Eiki was too busy lecturing Komachi to have noticed that I was stealing the crap 'till it was too late.

After a brief bout of adrenaline-induced running, I make my way to the gate guards with the crap.

Oh, shit, before I go out there, better slip this on…

Putting the bag down, I slip Kaguya's wig on.

I walk up to the guard manning the inside of the gate.

"Delivery for Alice Margatroid." I wasn't lying!

He raises a brow at my wig.

"...Look, I'm fancy." I stress. "Take it or leave it, buddy."

"...How do I know you're not a youkai?" He brings a hand to his chin. This fucking question.

"Look, I'm trying to _leave_ the village. Isn't that what you'd want?"

He shrugs. "You could be reporting important intel to the enemy, for all I know."

Youkai aren't that organized, at least not most of them! Aauuugh!

"Look, I can get you laid tonight. Inn on the corner of central square, hot cyan-haired babe taking requests."

"...Not interested." He folds his arms.

Shit, man. Guy's actually got balls.

I sigh. "Look, I just wanna leave the _sodding_ village to deliver this fucking-" I reach into the bag, and examine the first item I pull out. "-Pancake mix!"

He chuckles. "Alright, _miss_. Calm down. You don't seem to be a youkai, so I'll let you through. When you come back, tell them Ron let you go, okay?"

I nod. "Thank you."

He cranks open the gate, and I walk out.

Freakin' guards.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Magical forest at midnight!

...Considering how little youkai I've seen thus far, I thought it'd be like, no problem to just stroll through the magical forest at midnight. What'd give a shit, right? Like, are there even _that_ many youkai at night?

The answers to these questions are as follows:

Many things, and yes there are.

"Holy shi~t!"

I was running from a horde of angry water-ice hybrid fairies, and some fucking wolfman things!

"Stupid! Stu~pid human! Play, boy! Play!"

"C'mere you fuckin' meat bag!"

This is what I get for not being able to do danmaku!

Earlier I got cut and bashed a bit… but since I had my trusty Escape Plan out, it had become a game of running the fuck away.

I happen to exceed at that skill. These youkai son'sa bitches didn't know what they signed up for.

I jump nearly constantly because fuck roots, and double jumping makes it easier. The fairies are annoying twats, but they mostly tease me instead of actually try to kill me or anything. The wolf guys, though, those guys you gotta be a little wary about, 'cause they will kill you, except they like to do it with their fists.

I had about two of each trailing me. I had no idea where I was going, either. Hopefully I'd find someone's house sooner or later.

"Slow do~wn! We're gonna have _fun_!"

"Raagh!"

Thunk!

Poor tree trunk.

Before long, I encounter Alice's abode!

I attack the door. "Fucking!" Swear words! Open the door!

Bang!

Alright, now to run!

I begin doing a lap around the house. Large ice chunks strike the door, and the beastmen tears into it.

Cra~ck!

It breaks open. Suddenly, all the lights in the house whir to life and the dolls mobilize on the spot.

"The fuck!?"

"S-shit, it's that puppeteer!"

The fairies freeze. "M-mean puppet lady…!?"

Pi~chun!

One of the shady slush fairies was blown away by a spear shot from the window.

"Alzieth-chan!"

Pi~chun!

"Graagh!"

Shink! Shink! Shink!

… I hide behind some brush as the creatures are promptly slaughtered by the automated doll defense. Looking around, it appears as if multiple Alices are floating in the air, escorted by small armadas of dolls. When I continue staring at them, I realize they're moving in set patterns.

…

Within a few minutes of inactivity, and well after the final dying breaths of the youkai outside who were mauled by a variety of spears and other unpleasant instruments and magics, the lights of the house all turn off, except for a few. The dolls all quickly recede into the house, and all the faux Alices make their ways back into various fixtures of the house- stuff like indents and corners.

I bet if I looked around those corners, they'd be gone.

…

The living room light turns on. Alice walks outside in her pajamas, and stares down at the beastmen's corpses.

"Tch… been a long time since that kinda thing happened." She shook her head. "Poor things had to have not known what they were getting into. Probably newbies."

I step out from behind the brush, hands raised.

Alice looks up at me sharply. "You wanna try!?"

Dayum! She's got force! "I-it's me, Brad!"

Alice squints. "How do I know?"

"I got your fuckin' pancake mix right here!" I take it out and hold it up.

Her face softens. "...Ah, I see you've got the things, then. I must question why you came in the dead of night, however. Did you not have a problem with the local youkai?"

I nodded. "Yeah, uh… kinda the reason they assaulted your door."

…

"Come in…" Alice sighed.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I sat at the wooden chair. I kinda miss the mansion sofas and cushy chairs… which might just be 'cause I'm pretty tired right now.

"...The guard actually let you out of the village at this hour?" Alice questioned disbelievingly. "Honestly?"

I nodded. "Yeah. He was a little suspect I was a youkai, but fine otherwise."

Alice sighed. "He probably still thinks you are, and just let you out because you seemed harmless."

I shrug.

"What did you need that disguise for so badly, anyway…?"

Better access to the village, basically! I just wound up on a day-long sidequest because of it. It seemed to end well enough in the end, though. I wasted a day of the Yabadabadoo's time, and I caused sufficient pointless mischief. I am content.

"...You can take the guest room, then. You'll have to fashion yourself earplugs or something."

I hear fluffy coos from the next room.

Eeh.. "Can I just sleep on uh…" Oooh! I wanna try sleeping on three adjacent chairs!

"Sleep wherever. I'm going to bed." Alice gets up and heads to her room. "Also, whatever you do, don't open any windows or doors if you sleep outside the guest room. The only door you can safely open is the guest room door, and the closet. The rest are… prone, shall we say, for security execution."

By that she means the windows will summon armies to fucking kill you and essentially sound an alarm. I wonder what Marisa does for security in her blown-up hut...

With that, Alice floats off. "Good night."

Click.

...I bet Alice has her own earplugs, but she's not just gonna give me a pair, obviously. That's fine, 'cause I wouldn't either!

...I quietly arrange the chairs next to each other. My plan's to sleep on three chairs!

After arranging them, I lie down…

…

Alright, look. A bench? That's fine. Under a bench? Even better. Fuckin' wooden chairs, though? I'd wake up with my spine just gone. It'd just like, disappear. I wouldn't _need_ a spine anymore, 'cause I'd be _freakin' dead!_

I try to stand up, but just fall from the chairs instead.

Thud-thunk thunk!

"Shit…"

...I finally manage to stand up.

Looking at the window, I see a violet-eyed fairy staring in at me. She draws her finger across her neck and grins.

I mouth 'try it, I fucking dare you' to her.

She pouts.

I open the door to the guest room.

"honh honh honh"

Fluffy noises.

I walk around. Those guest beds are lookin' pretty good right about now…

I look over to the fluffles, and see that some extra fluffles have somehow infiltrated the house and were stacking up on one another to free the trapped fluffles.

I walk over to their tower and kick them over.

"You're cuddly, guys."

They fall over, making coos as they land on the floor and wriggle about.

...I hear a thud from the living room.

"Ackuh! Pfftuh! U~gh…" Coughing!

I looked back into the living room, to see that same purple fairy covered in soot. She musta crawled in through the chimney. That was my idea!

The fairy was as tall as my legs, had a violet bow, violet hair, violet eyes… Pretty much violet, purple, or pink everything.

She looks up at me. "Hello there, boy! Surprised by my ingenuity and grace?"

I shake my head. "Yo, I did that first."

She tilts her head. "Huh?"

"I infiltrated by chimney antics first! You're not original!" ...If we wanna get real technical, ol' Nick did it first, but y'know…

She pointed at me. "That is no matter! Now that I am here, I will make you my new plaything! Huhaha~!" Yeah, that's typical.

She summons a magic circle, and purple stars start emanating from it.

I close the door, and hear them thunk against it.

"H-hey! Open up!"

She starts banging on the door.

...I look to the extra fluffles, who were trying to stack themselves up again. I go over to them and pick them up, and take a big sniff.

...They smell tiny.

I go over to the door. "It's unlocked. Open it."

…

She swings it open, and it slams against the wall. "I have you now!"

I toss the fluffles onto her.

"W-waah!?"

I kick her in the torso.

"He~y!"

I slam the door. On the other side I hear her tumbling on the floor with the fluffles.

"T-that was disrespectful of your new master! I'll have you know that I am a fairy of night… and I go by the name of Artemis!"

Artemis. The hell did that have to do with night!?

Better question: she have any night spells? I don't think generic star danmaku counts as 'night', per say.

...I hear banging on the door again. I didn't even lock it.

"Let me in, you whelp!"

...I crawl under the bed. Since Alice recently moved it around and stuff, there weren't any major dust bunnies down here.

...Nevermind, there's a fluffle down here, trying to become one with the bedsprings.

"honh" It saw me.

"I was never here." I tell it.

I get cozy with the floor as sounds of banging and coos persist into the night…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...I awaken shortly later to hear sounds of violence… and fluffles.

Crawling from under the bed, I stretched.

"Hnnngh…!"

...I slowly walked towards the guest room door as my senses slowly came back to me. Hopefully this violence doesn't involve me…

Opening the door, I see Ha-chan and Artemis struggling, the table thrown aside and furniture strewn about everywhere.

"T-the door…!" Artemis' gaze shoots towards me, and a punch sends her reeling.

"No!" Ha-chan barks at her, covered in soot. "You're mean! Stop being mean!"

You mean she used the chimney too!?

I'm kinda surprised Alice isn't up or anything. Taking the initiative, I walk across the battlefield to her door.

I knock on it.

No answer.

I try to open it. It's locked. I bet it's trapped to go batshit if forced open, though. I suppose Alice isn't in any real danger, then, leaving her chimney exposed.

I look over to the two fairies, and Artemis is stretching Ha-chan's cheeks. "You stupid day fairy!"

"Nasty night fairy!"

...Discreetly, I pick up one of Alice's dolls. Whistling shabbily to myself, I waltz next to a window… and toss the doll through it.

Shatter!

"Aaae!" I squeal, running to the bed and hiding under it.

The two fairies look up at me as I retreat.

...Then, they looked no more.

Pi~chun!

Pi~chun!

They were instantly eviscerated by a series of lances that shot out from the shelves. Just as quickly as they appeared, they were gone.

…

Alice's door opens. "What, now? That's the second time this evening…" She rubs her eyes.

She looks out the window. "...Oh. It's nearly morning. No point in resting any longer, then."

I crawl out from my hidey hole. "Hello, friend."

She blinked. "...You set off the alarm, didn't you?"

I nodded. "Only because a bunch of fairies were having a sweet rave party in your living room after sliding down the chimney."

Alice furrowed her brows. "The chimney…?"

Mmm…

"...All this time, I-I've never reinforced the chimney!" Alice's eyes widened. "Stupid, stupid, stupid!"

I shrugged. "Your door was locked anyway."

"Thank goodness I do it, too." Alice sighed. "Another reminder to myself to be less careless, I suppose…"

Fluffy days.

"...Hmm." Alice looks around, then starts to move towards a shelf of her dolls. "You can go now, by the way."

I nod. "Cool. See ya, yo."

"See you. It's still early, so be vigilant."

I nod. "Mhm…"

I close the door behind me as I depart from Alice's abode.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Alright, I can now freely infiltrate human land, _and_ I've got the stuff for Alice!

...Now the frik do I do?

I could head back to the manor, but I wanna spend a few days away from there to see the sights and sounds of magic country place.

Reimu's shrine… is totalled, and I dunno if she's getting back soon or not.

The manor… is rebuilding.

Eientei… recently lost a room.

Oh, I forgot to tell Alice about the triple doll blowout at the manor earlier. Oh well.

Sanae's shrine is up a fookin' mountain, so uh… no.

I don't even know where the kappa village place thing is, so that's a no.

Hell? No. Makai? No. Old hell? I don't even know what the difference there is.

At this point, I'm pretty much not acquiring power in any predictable manner, so I might as well just wander around…

 _Aimlessly_.

Before I can even commit to that action, someone tugs at my trouser leg.

"Hmm?" I turn…

"He~y!" Rumia cheerfully greets me.

"Sweet Jesus, fuck!" I leap back from her fearfully. "...Hi."

She tilts her head. "Why are you scared, miss?"

Kaguya wig, right…

"...You ain't gonna eat me?"

She shakes her head. "There was some tasty meats left out for me! I'm stuffed!" Rumia pats her tummy to accent her point.

...There's nothing but a blood puddle where the beast youkai were. Yeesh…

Although, now I must gather data. "Rumia, how far up have you flown?"

She blinks. "Uhhh…"

…

"Not very high!" She shakes her head. "It's too bright most of the time! Even night's super bright up there!"

Hmmhmm. "Alright, yo."

I begin to walk out of the forest, Rumia following me.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

From the path, I can see Reimu's shrine is being rebuilt again. This time I'm not gonna fuck with it, though…

Instead, I've got different plans.

Research Heaven, determine how far it is, then either fly straight up… or build something to fly me up. I mean, shit, there's gotta be heavenly swords or spell tomes or some shit up there! It's hard to reach, so that's the code of game progression!

...I mean, if nothing else, I can throw peaches from fucking outer space and make people they're getting sniped by a god.

First stop for research: the village!

...I just need to get this little munchkin off my ass, though.

"Where are we going?" Rumia asks me.

"Doom." I tell her.

"...Are we there yet?"

Yes. Rest in pieces, us. "No."

"...Are we there yet?" You're _not_ doing that with me!

"Are we?" I ask back.

"Are we there yet?"

"Are we?"

We try our best to out-patience each other as we make our way to the village's gates.

Upon reaching it, the guard leaps back.

"W-what, shit!" He draws a bow, and aims it at Rumia. "Not another step!"

We both stop. He aims at me. "You! Youkai! What is your purpose!?"

I shake my head. "I'm not a youkai! I mean, she is, but she's full, so I didn't have to run for my life!"

"M-mist- I mean, miss, she's deceiving you!"

Sigh. "If she was, I couldn't really care since I assume she can't get into the village."

The man aims for Rumia again. "Look. You… go on in. That _thing_ has to stay outside."

Rumia pouts. "...You're not being very nice, mister."

"Fuck you!" The guard's face hardens.

I turn to Rumia. "I'll be out later, yo. Sorry, I gots me some business to take care of. I don't care what you do to this twat, though."

The man's eyes widen, and he's about to shift his aim to me, but I toss a wooden block at him. It hits his bow, and his arrow flies into the air past Rumia and I, hitting nothing of relevance.

I run up to the guy as he draws another arrow, and smack him in the face with Swift Brand.

"Guah!" His head whips around, saliva flying.

I double jump over him, and hit him in the back of the head.

Thunk!

...He falls limply to the ground.

"Uhh… Whoops." I was kinda used to these guys being semi-resilient bastards, but uh… yeah. Cast iron meets back of head, who'd've thought it…

Rumia smiles. "Can I come in with you now?"

I shake my head. "Not unless you've got like, six other friends standing behind you." At that point I wouldn't need a disguise at all, we'd literally be besieging the fucking village. I'm pretty sure Yukari wouldn't like me buggering up the balance of whatever with that, either.

Rumia perks up. "Ooh! I think I have that many! Let me go find them!"

With that, she's off.

...She'd probably go up to Reimu and be like "wanna help me fuck up the human village" and then Reimu'd shove a sandal up my ass.

I'm just gonna split before she comes back.

...Oh, that's why the gates are open. Guards getting into positions for the morning shift, and all that.

Not many people on the streets! Joys of morning time…

I wonder how fast you can get across Gensokyo in a car. Considering it takes like, thirty minutes for me per most notable places, give or take some obstacles, it'd probably be a freakin' experience.

Right, I'm here to learn about freakin'... the holy spirit. No, I'm here to learn about Heaven and how to access it via aeronautics.

For that, I'm hoping to find Akyuu. I don't believe I've met her yet, either…

I should talk to, hmm… That other girl, what's-her-face… The one that _wasn't_ Sekibanki!

Kosuzu, right…

After a brief adventure through the drowsy city streets with my whacky-ass Hillbilly Kaguya disguise, I found her house.

Knock knock!

…

The door slowly opens. "Yea~h…?"

…

Kosuzu stares at me tiredly. "What?"

No fun reaction at my mud-spattered getup? My manly face with my regal hair…?

Daw.

"Hello, friend."

Kosuzu blinks. "...You're… Brad, right?"

I nod. "Hyonk."

"...I won't even ask why you're in that. I assume you need something from me, again? 'Cause I'm tryin' to eat breakfast here, and there's _no way_ I'm letting you learn more ways to hurt people." Kosuzu glares at me.

I shake my head. "I just wanna know where Akyuu lives."

She narrows her eyes. "...Why?"

"I wanna go to Heaven, yo."

Kosuzu giggles. "You're gonna have to change a lot, then…"

I chuckle. "Yea~h, uhh… I'm trying to fly there directly."

Her eyes widen. "Y-you can fly!?"

I'm about to shake my head but ehhh… Kinda. With a flail, I can, anyway… "It's complicated."

"...I see…" Kosuzu sighs. "...You can't miss it. It's one of the few manors in the village."

Wait, this place has _manors_? Where?

"If you take the back roads along the sector the inn is a corner of, you should find it in the central area, or so." Kosuzu told me. "If I find out anything happened to Akyuu, I'll have the Hakurei miko escort me to you myself so I can kick you in the nuts."

I nod. "It'sa deal, yo. Thanks!"

With that, I departed quickly. I had no time to lose!... That, and Kosuzu probably wasn't gonna even let me in.

I continue my quest through the village. More villagers stare at me, but I also hear some traces of quiet morning conversation.

"Did you hear? Last week they found Mark dead in his house. Guards said a youkai probably done it…"

"His girlfriend Miriam died in like, the same way! One stab… that's scary, man!"

I look to the guy and the old man for a moment. Hmm. Freakin' serial killers, apparently. Keine, get your shit together. Stop chasing me, and start chasing whoever that dude is.

...I'm sure she is, but if that killer's as good as the men say they are, then shieut, yo.

"They said she had to convert her house to a bar, man."

I stopped. I think I knew the place…

"Hah. She lived next to Golden Grin, didn't she?"

"Yeah."

"Poor girl don't know how bars're run. Maybe she can strike up a deal with Marcus…!" At that, the old man laughs.

"Hahahaha!" The man laughs with him.

Well, that's a thing!

...The village is kinda a shitty place, isn't it? I already knew that, but… oof.

I begin traveling down the back roads. Before long, I stop at a particularly fancy wall, and realize this is probably the entrance to the Akyuu manor.

Some guards stand at the gate; but these aren't no town guards, they got shiny silvers and greys, none of that brown guardsman uniform guff.

...Yes, I realize that was a double negative.

I walk up to them. "Hey! Can I meet with Akyuu?"

...The guards look to each other, then back to me. "What business do you have with her?"

"I got a question about the Gensokyian Archives." Technically. Sounds legit.

...They look to each other again. "...Name and occupation."

Hmm. "Rusty Shackleford. Village magistrate… in training." Hoping magistrates are a thing here…!

They look between each other _again_. "...So you're a magi? Not a human?"

Fuckin'... "No, I mean I'm a village official man person's son. I'm just _fancy_." I accent my statement with a brush of my long, flowing and slightly muddy hair.

They nod. "Oh, alright…" He nods. "...Whose?"

"Artemis Shackleford." First name that popped into my head!

…

"Artemis is a youkai name." The guard scowled at me.

 _What!?_

They lifted their shiny silver swords. I held my hands up. "Woah woah woah! Artemis is short for Mortimer, you fucking loons!"

...The guards lower their swords, but stay alert. "...What?"

"You haven't heard the school children use it yet? You two behind the times, or what?"

...The guard scratches his head awkwardly. "Uuhh…"

...They look between each other _again_!

That's it. "What're you, fuckin' gay?"

…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Panting, I step out from behind the dumpster. "I think… I lost them…" It only took like, thirty minutes of tediously running around in the same square of streets until I actually lost them!

...I dashed to the gate of the Akyuu residence. They weren't back yet!

...It was fucking locked.

That's it. Time to cheat.

I pull out my Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, and crouch in the dusty edge between one's house and the dirt...

Boom!

I blast jump off the side of someone's house. Sorry, person!

I fly over the gate, and land in some fancy bushes.

"Ah-kaah!" The fuck did I land on!?

I regain my composure as I leap from a bush of roses, cuts peppering my exposed bits… which wasn't much, thankfully, but geez…

"Stupid thorns…" Razzum frazzum!

…

I look around as a variety of guards appear to have filed out from absolutely nowhere as a response to the noise I produced.

Yeah, fuck that.

I jump, crouch, and slam the ground with the hanger again.

Boom!

Off I go~! Where I stop, nobody-

Bam!

"Whaa-!"

Thud.

…

Correction. Gravity knows _exactly_ where I'd stop…

"Hmm?"

A brown-haired girl looked up from a text she was thumbing through on her fancy green chair. She looked up at the hole in the roof. "...Hmm."

I stand up! "You! No violence! I have a hanger that shoots _laser beams_!" Technically! They're more like Mega Man's puny lemon pellets, but the offer still stands!

…

Oh. "You're uh… Akyuu, right?" I lower my hanger. "...Sorry 'bout that. Your guards have ants in their pants."

"...For good reason, sometimes. Other times, not quite as much." Akyuu flips to the next page. "What's your business?"

"I wanna fly to Heaven." I state simply. "Got any tips?"

She glances up at me, "Dress warm." and resumes reading.

…

"...Alright, lemme give a little context…" I take a seat across from her. "I use a Hakurei Yin-yang orb tied to a stick by a string of panties with an enchanted hunk of metal on it to fly."

...Akyuu stops reading for a moment to look up at me.

"I wanna know about how far up Heaven is so I can determine whether or not I should make a rocket or somethin' instead. Also, is there anything mean on the way there? Sky demons? Dragons? Bad tempered fairies?... Fluffy nightmares?"

Akyuu takes a moment to process this… "...Heaven is as far up as the clouds over Youkai Mountain suggest. You won't be able to see it if you're not close to it, and it doesn't span the entirety of Gensokyo's sky, so you'd have to start traveling on or around the mountain. If you start too close to the mountain, you'll have to fight the Tengu's air patrols, and you may have to deal with the whims of the Moriya."

Mmm. Kinda figured mountain equals bad.

"Naturally, the occasional cloud fairy might give you some trouble. They are rather aloof little things, but they're not to be feared."

Su~re…

"There are occasional spirits that lurk the bounded sky, but they're typically few and far between. It'd be a different story if we were speaking of Gensokyo's upper atmosphere."

Ghooo~sts!

"...When you reach Heaven, look out for the eldest daughter. She'll likely be requested to deal with your presence, if the oarfish isn't sent to dissuade you at some point. Again, further from the mountain you are, the slower all response times will be."

Oh, right! Heaven people! They're heavenly…

…

I'm sorry, I'll see myself out for that one.

I get up. "Thanks, Akyuu. I'm gonna go think over how to do rocket science and stuff. Tell your guards they suck, by the way."

"I would." She smiles lightly as I think about how to make my way out. My legs fuckin' hurt… Actually, my everything hurts. Now that I think about it, she's been strangely accepting of my existence. It's convenient, but this the first time someone didn't hold me at danmaku point for looking funny.

Time for an Escape Plan!

Pocketing the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, I dash out the door with my Escape Plan.

A butler takes notice instantly. "Y-you! Halt!"

I just run. I take a right, dash through the foyer to the door, only to find guards are at the door!

"Sorry guys, gotta go! Left the everything on! My house is cinders! I gotta file an insurance claim _right now_!"

I dash to the side, and take a window instead.

Shatter!

Outside, I'm faced with the task of bypassing this stupid freakin' wall.

Oh, look, it's the guards from earlier.

"Nope! No can do!" I run past them, leap onto boxes at the side of one of the garden sheds, and barely manage to make it over the wall without clipping my dirty ass moccasins.

Thud.

"Oof…"

I wince as I land on the ground outside. I don't like falls, I'll have you know!

Those other arses were back. "Hey! Youkai!"

Sonsa bitches.

I begin running. "Eat it! Eat _all_ of it!" I dunno what the 'it' I'm referring to is, but they can eat it!

It doesn't take long before I made my way to the village gates again.

The guard looks at me.

I prance in place. "Look, buddy, I left my loaf of fluff outside the village gates! It's going to be gobbled up by crazy ass youkai! Help, no!"

He seems frazzled at first, but shakes it off. "W-what!? No, I can't do that! We're in a time where we cannot open village gates for any other reason than those necessary!"

Noob. Guess I gotta trade my legs for access, then!

The other guards began catching up, and I pull out the Bee-Sheventeen again…

Jump, crouch, wha-

Boom!

Holy _fu~ck_!

Because I still had the Escape Plan out, I pretty much was just like 'I must go now, my planet needs me' and fucking rocketed off into the sky on them.

How the fuck am I getting down!?

Hastily, I drop the Bawmber- I can probably track it later by whatever insane explosion it leaves- and pull out the flail-o-copter. Just from existing, it slows my fall slightly, so I begin spinning it around…

…

There we go. Graceful descent…

…

I slowly touch down to the Earth again.

Kaboom!

...I know where to look for my hanger.

Sadly, the Escape Plan didn't seem to boost the speed of which my flail affects things… although, the combination of things gave me ideas. If only I had three hands, then I could just juggle blocks into my bomb hanger and just ascend to outer space. I'd probably die from the blast damage, though, so~...

After a moment, I came across my hanger.

There was someone else there, though. We were both like, five feet from the hanger.

Wriggle was approaching it. She, he, uhh… It looked up at me, and stopped.

…

"Now, that's mine, you hear…" I begin.

"I found it first." Wriggle glares at me. "You took that cannon from my friends, too."

I still want to know what the hell your 'friends' were supposed to do with a hydro cannon. Better question: where the hell did I put that thing? Not that I have the mana to properly use it, but y'know… it's intimidatin'.

Did I give it back to Stormy or something? In any case, as fun as giant magical cannons were, they're not really my style.

...That's a subtle way of saying that's not my primary weapon, so I have no interest in it! Hyonk.

Some bees float up around Wriggle.

...This is gonna get messy, innit?

"Look. I know you're Cirno's friend, but… but I'm not letting you take a good find from me again!" Wriggle glares at me as more bees join her.

Now I wish I found that RAID for Sakuya… Wait, that was weed killer she wanted, right? I mean, same thing, really. Deadly toxin's deadly toxin.

I forget how much mana that cannon ate, and whether I should even bother with it, so instead I'll just try using Deep Blue.

I clumsily struggle to get the abstractly shaped hanger from my sack with one hand. I'm trying to dual wield here so I can keep my already sore ass away from the bees.

I mean, seriously. Anything but the bees.

I turn the valve…!

Fwuuush!

I dance around as the force of the hanger's waterflow pushes me back.

"Yo ho ho~!"

I walk backwards in circles where I am.

Wriggle struggles not to smile. "W-what are you doing…?"

"Defeating you!" I tell he-her-it.

"...How are you going to do that?" Wriggle narrows hi-he-its eyes.

"Very-" Wooaa~h! Keep your footing, keep your footing! "...Carefully!"

Wriggle looks unimpressed until I slide up to the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber. I let go of Deep Blue, lift up the Bawmber and chuck it at Wriggle.

She grins and goes to grab it.

Boom!

"Nice catch, fumbles!" I compliment Wriggle's awesome catching skills.

Thud. He-she-... _whatever_ it was landed a few feet away, her face frozen into one of fear. "A-ah…"

...I walk up to my hanger. "I'll be taking this." Yoink!

Also, it seems like the explosion killed the bees. Rip, friends. I was planning on using water to do it, but this works too.

...I watch Deep Blue twirl about in the forest on its own, propelled by its insane water enchantment. Catching that thing's going to be fun!

Leaving the shell-shocked Wriggle to its own devices, I go on a goose chase to attempt capturing the spaztastic hanger.

Thunk!

It bumped against a tree, changing trajectory completely. Freakin'...

It took ten minutes of wandering blindly after it in the forest, but I eventually manage to capture and tame it.

I turn the valve, silencing the beast. "That took too long!"

…

Now I'm lost in the woods. At least it's broad daylight! Considering Gensokyo's size, I can just pick a direction and walk. I'll probably wind up at the Hakurei Shrine or the edge of the woods in like thirty minutes to an hour, if fairies don't try to bash my sk- wait, I can just fly.

…

Y'know, these things don't occur to you when you get so used to doing things other ways.

I pull out my Yin-Yang flail-o-copter again, and take to the skies!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I touch down at the repaired Hakurei Shrine. I wasn't wrong in saying I was close to it, apparently, but the direction I was going to pick probably woulda taken me parallel to it. Eheh…

One question I have is why this shrine always looks nearly the exact same as the old one every time Reimu rebuilds it. Might be consistency with the outside world's one or something. Actually, does that one get blown the fuck up, too? That's gotta look freakin' weird…

I should stop thinking about random shit and actually go inside the shrine.

I march into the new and proper shrine!

Reimu looks over to me from the kotatsu. "Too tired to care. Come back later."

I casually step up to the kotatsu and sit down at it. "Fluffy places, and fluffy spaces."

Seeing the shrine all fixed up was slightly jarring, considering the last one was full of holes in just about every wall, and the floorboards were like swiss cheese before I accidentally'd the entire thing. It's a wonder how long structures stood in Gensokyo undisturbed before they got beaten the fuck up and knocked over in moments.

...Whatever Reimu was doing, it seems to have tired her out. Help, no.

...I get up, and look around. This shrine has more rooms to it, doesn't it? Hmmhmm…

I slide open one of the doors I never see used, and it leads to an empty-ish room. There's a table in it, and that's all I see.

"Nice table room." I idly comment. Reimu groans from the kotatsu.

Let's take the straight door!

…

Outside.

Oka~y, let's take the left door…

The great outdoors!

Time to take door number three: the right door!

An actual room! On the far end there's a dresser and some futons. It's also freakin' barren. I suppose it _was_ just rebuilt from cinders and rubble, so y'know… needs a little living.

No extra doors to this room!

...So we got a kitchen, a bedroom, an~d...a main shrine room thing.

…

Where's she use the shitter? Does she just… does she just go in the bushes or something!?

Shrine maiden life is hard life.

They need to invent outhouses in Gensokyo. Or like, those egyptian pots…

 _Anyway!_

There's a lot less going on here than I expected!

I walk back into kotatsu room. "Reimu! I am in dire need of entertainment!"

"Mmmph…" Reimu mumbles.

Freakin' comatose, yo.

...I was about to question where Suika was, but I _did_ see her in the village bar one or two nights ago. She's probably still there… or lying unconscious in the woods somewhere.

Weren't there hot springs somewhere? I haven't bathed since this fanfic started! I probably smell like youkai by now…

"Hey Reimu, where's-"

Boink!

...I look down and notice a rubber ducky had bounced off my head.

A few more hit me.

Woah, no.

...I run as a horde of them drop in from a gap above me.

"Very funny!" I yell back. "Next time, include some water!"

Splash.

…

"Thanks." I part my hair from my eyes.

Freakin', yo…

Reimu sits up to assess the situation. "...Clean 'em up…"

Thud. She lied back down.

...I'll take a _few_ for the road.

...I scoop like ten into my sack. I can't wait to like, pelt Remilia with these later or something.

Or forget they exist like half the other items in my inventory, in which they'll just be lost in my asshole space or something.

That's the problem when you go Skyrim on everything you see, yo…!

"...So uh, hot springs, Reimu. You have them?"

"Mmm." Reimu grunts. "Out back."

...That, uh… that helps.

"... _Where_ out back?"

"Look."

…

Guess I'm goin' on a quest, then…!

...Wait, this shrine room has four doors. Front is the lawn, left is the kitchen, back is the back lawn bits, and right…

I open the final door…!

…

Side yard.

It's great to have like, a door for every wall that leads outside. Can't get enough of that nature, yo. Don't they get drafty? No wonder she insists on having a freakin' kotatsu…

...I decide to use the back door to go to the back yard, because why the hell else would she have installed a back door? What, you think I'm gonna use the side door and go around!? Don't even get me started on the front door…

I slide the door shut behind me.

…

Well, from here I see trees, uhhh, rocks, and uhm... fuck and all!

…

Where's the hot springs, Reimu!?

I guess I'll take a bit of a nature walk, then. It's a slightly steep downhill back here, but it's not as intense as the freakin' artificial pyramid-esque inclines that define the side and front yards.

…

Whole lotta nothing!

…

I pause, hearing the sound of rushing water, somewhere. I don't see anything, though…

Following the sound of flowing water, I eventually come around a small hillside to a small, dated Hakurei-styled structure in the middle of the woods.

Huh.

Going inside it, I find a large changing room. There's some buckets stored in the corner, and some benches to use.

Mmm…

Leaving the changing room, I came to the main event: the hot springs!

They were empty of people, but there was plenty of water! I discovered the flowing water came from a cave up around the side, where a small waterfall trickled down into a tiny creak, which led into the lake.

I actually haven't seen a lot of caves since I've come to Gensokyo…

For some reason, when I looked closely at it, it's like the cave was far too small to enter, like it was just some water trickling from a crack in the rock. I walked up to it since it was in reasonable hiking distance, and went to enter, finding it was a large enough cave for a car. Kinda. If you really tried, maybe.

It fit people just fine, is what I'm trying to say.

I went further in the cave for a bit, before reaching the end. A peculiar black wall stood at the end.

That's not suspicious at all!

...I walk up to feel it, as one does with all dubious materials, but my hand goes through it like it wasn't there.

Alright, that's cool. It's not behaving strangely aside from that; it's like it's not even there.

Walking through the apparently non-collidable wall, I find myself in a small indent in the hill. In the middle is a large footprint.

…

Cool.

…

I look around the indent, but there's nothing here of interest. This was a freakin' waste of time!

...I pull out my 3DS, and flip open to the camera. Maybe I can prove to someone I found bigfoot.

I hold it up to capture the large footprint…

Click!

…

I look at the picture.

There's only grass.

This place is fuckin' weird. I'm just gonna go chill in the hot springs…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 27

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed.

INVENTORY:

Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. Has a very situational instant-death dealing condition that, let's be honest, I probably couldn't fulfil; it's just there for world building. Help no.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives that I mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out...

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

another chapter written semi-fast but held back 'cause of freakin' life causing great periods of nothing between said speedy writing sessions

also fun cameos

...NOT A WHOLE LOT TO SAY, by the time i get to these sections my brain is already BLASTED

im also ready to go to bed

rip me

as always, see you all next time!


	32. A Winter which Runs Red

(guess WHAT YO… it's MATT'S PERSPECTIVE. waaaa~l!)

After some time, it appeared to have become morning.

...I crawl from the tent, as it was now day time.

I only took scattered naps throughout the night. I kept myself from getting bored by coming up with one hundred and one ways to brutalize fluffles.

"Haahh…"

Reimu yawned from inside the tent. She's up, too, apparently.

I looked around the debris of the shrine. I couldn't see very well in the morning twilight, but I could swear things were moving in that pile of rubble that shouldn't have been.

Fluffy menaces.

...Reimu poked her head out from under the tent, then brought it back inside quickly. "C-cold…"

That's what you get for wearing those sleeve… things… instead of actual, proper arm wear.

It wasn't long before her antics woke Youmu up. "...Mmmgh…"

Reimu shook her awake further. "Get up. Youmu, get up…"

"Awah…?" Youmu sat up drowsily.

"Youmu!" Reimu shook her violently by the shoulders.

"H-hey, I'm up! What's the big deal!?" Youmu broke away from Reimu.

"I'm cold." Reimu stated plainly.

Youmu blinked. "...Seriously?"

I step up next to the tent. "Are you two going to warm each other up, or what? We haven't got all day." Let's ignore the fact the day has literally just begun.

…

Reimu flips the tent up and emerges in my general direction, forcing me to step away.

"I'm gonna make _you_ cold in a moment." Reimu glares at me.

"I'm already cold on the inside." I grin.

Reimu shakes her head. "Not cold enough, apparently."

As fun as it would be to attempt to demonstrate how cold I really was on the inside, I don't think anybody here would appreciate the gesture. Namely Yukari.

Youmu lethargically emerges from the tent, and shivers.

"Y-you're right…" She hugs herself.

"I have a brilliant plan!" I exclaim while raising my arms. "Let us warm each other up with our bodies!"

…

"On second thought, I'm not _that_ cold." Youmu begins jogging in place to build heat.

"It's only chilly out." Reimu states plainly.

"And?" I smile at her cheesily.

Shaking her head, Reimu turns to Youmu. "...What was the reason you came here again? I kinda forgot…"

Youmu sighed. "Mistress is under attack!"

Reimu blinked. "And?"

"The entirety of the realm is being invaded!" Youmu holds her arms out as she yells to accent the point. "We need your help!"

"What's in it for me?" Reimu folds her arms.

"...I-I'll help you rebuild your shrine…" Youmu reluctantly adds.

"For free." Reimu clarifies.

"...For free."

"Deal." Reimu smiles. "Anything for a friend in need!"

She pats Youmu on the shoulder. Youmu looks vaguely distraught about the prospect of more work, but she just sighs it off. "...Right."

Comforting to be assured once again that the Hakurei miko is a nice lady.

Youmu began floating. "Let's go."

Reimu floats up with her, and they both begin flying away.

…

Well. Guess I won't-

Youmu flies back. "You're not getting out of this."

Run, quickly!

"Hey!"

I dash in the opposite direction as fast as I can. Unfortunately, Youmu's flying speed is far faster and she catches me in moments.

"Help! Ra~pe! Raa~pe!" I begin flailing my limbs.

"Do you want me to drop you or not!?" Youmu barks, beelining into the sky with me.

/ / / / HAKUMON: GOTTA CATCH EM ALL YO / / / /

Within moments of relatively uneventful flying, by which I mean thirty minutes, we close in on the staircase in the sky.

I'd like to ask who put a realm of the dead in the sky.

"Whose bright idea was it to put Ha-Hu-...The dead place in the sky?" I ask aloud.

"That's simply how the boundaries intersect." Youmu replies. "...Or something. Ask Yuyuko-sama, she'd know more…"

Unfortunately, she's being bombarded by fluffy nightmares, so that's not a very plausible option.

"From what Yukari told me, it's from a weakened border between life and death." Reimu engaged herself in the conversation. "I don't know why the border materialized itself so high up, and so far into the barrier…"

Because magic. I'm sure the explanation is so convoluted and incomprehensible that it comes out to basically the same conclusion, anyway.

We float up the steps, and before long we reach the top of them, the bit right before the gate. Not much can be seen from here, as the gate was closed.

"...Are we ready?" Youmu asks us, setting me down on the stone at the top of the stairs.

"No." I shake my head. "I require weaponry of the projectile sort."

Youmu ignores me and turns to Reimu.

"Yeah, yeah. Let's get this over with…" Reimu readies ofuda in one hand, and brings her gohei into a combat stance with the other.

Nodding, Youmu turns to the gate, and pushes it open…

The vibrations and violence seen, heard, and felt were instantaneous.

Youmu instantly began floating, but Reimu and I slid to the floor.

"H-h-h-a-a-a-a-h~!" Reimu exclaimed, trying to bounce herself from the floor of her own volition.

Youmu moves to lift me from the floor, and does so successfully, albeit clumsily, by my arms.

Reimu soon gets herself off the floor, and into the air.

On the inside of the realm of the dead, I saw bright blue lights in the air. They darted all around the interior of the gate rapidly. Large chunks of ice were visible amidst the bright lights and shards of rock flying in the air. I could also make out some of those piston things going wild on the inside.

The noise of the violence quickly drowned out everything else possible.

Relief came swiftly as one of the blue light machines paused, and it sent a blast of cold air at the gate, slamming it shut. Large snowflakes shot out like bullets, but Reimu and Youmu evaded them with ease.

The abrupt dodge left me a little whiplashed…

"...I'm gonna need a bigger gohei." Reimu shook her head in exasperation.

"And a bigger chest." I try to slip in.

"...I vote we throw him in and see how he does." Reimu snarks.

"I would, but I'd feel guilty later… and Yuyuko-sama would probably be displeased." Youmu smiled.

…

"So… what should we do, Reimu?" She asked. "I don't think we can just float in like normal…"

"Oh, no, we can." Reimu decided. "...I think. Cautionary Barrier!"

She summons a square barrier of energy in front of her.

"This better work…" Reimu takes a deep breath.

Youmu floats up to the gate, and awkwardly opens it by pushing into it because of holding me.

The deafening violence continues, and so does the blinding light show.

Reimu slowly floats forward with her barrier defensively positioned ahead of her. Once she gets inside, the barrier becomes a pure white color from the sheer amount of impacts striking it. It's slowly pushed back, Reimu physically pushing against it as a large ice crystal is formed by the cold wind on the other side. A large bomb flies in from above, and it strikes the crystal of ice.

Kaboom!

It explodes into a torrent of electricity, but the blast is still powerful enough to break the crystal, Reimu's barrier, and blow Reimu back outside.

Bam. The door slams shut, Youmu being thrown back with it.

...Reimu sits up from the floor. "G-geez… What was that?"

"Violence." I provide.

Reimu glares at me before looking at Youmu. "Was it _that_ bad last time you were here?"

Youmu shakes her head. "No… It seems to have gotten a lot worse…"

…

Reimu takes a deep breath. "Guess I'm going to have to take this a bit more seriously, then. It doesn't look like being purely defensive will work here…"

You think?

"...Open the door." Reimu commands.

"A-alright…" Youmu floats up to it, and pushes it awkwardly again.

Aaagh, that noise… Why are we even still trying?

Reimu lets out a barrage of homing amulets into the violence. They're quickly absorbed by said violence and dissipate.

Frowning, she sends a barrage of yin-yang orbs inside. I can't tell if they did anything over the noise, but the lights and mix of colors absorbed them.

"Hmph…" Reimu grunts. "Dream Sign! Evil Sealing Circle!"

A storm of amulets whirl inside, and form a glowing circle on the ground. They encapsulate a pillar of the space inside, and cleanse it of things happening. It produces a brief break in the violence, but it quickly resumes in that spot again.

...A large metal craft floats from the sky and slams into the earth in front of the gate. Quickly, the death zone ate away at the metal aircraft until it was nothing but sheets of metal on the floor.

Reimu glares. "Divine Arts! Omnidirectional Demon-binding Circle!"

Shii~ng!

A line of amulets and talismans is shot into the air around Reimu, and she dashes into the chaos. The amulets meet a standstill against the force of violence, but Reimu quickly backs them up with a wave of danmaku. The amulets, traveling in the straight lines they were, eventually pierce through sections of the explosions and elemental travesties.

The storm of blue and cyan quickly turns into an organized storm of yellow and red from the amulets and talismans.

A large section of the realm is lit alive as all the talismans and amulets stop, with only the generic danmaku fired in the storm remaining.

Everything nearby was binded.

However, it was still not quiet. The binded area only reached so far, and the pistons and whirring lights continued far outside the reach of the sphere of holy projectiles.

...Bombs flew from the sky, dropped by grey aircraft, blasting against the top of the sphere.

Kaboom!

Blaa~m!

Boom!

Electricity, water, and… what looked like healing magic slammed against the top of the barrier. I say 'healing magic' because it was a bright green with ethereal leaves emanating from it.

I could see some of the binded contraptions. A few were those piston machines, predictably.

The real kicker was the binded blue and cyan light machines, as I had dubbed them. They were actually an unrealistic mesh of blue metal rods, creating an abstract, hovering hunk of junk that had blue and cyan LEDs at the ends for whatever reason.

A fluffle in loaf form sat in the middle of each of them.

"Youmu! Now!" Reimu shouted, strained.

"Right!"

Youmu drops me to the floor.

Thanks for that.

She floats towards the machines with her sword drawn.

"Hell Realm Sword! Two hundred Yojana in One Slash!"

Shii~ng!

…

Two piston machines were cut in half, and one of the wire frame creations broke apart into a mess of metal rods, the lights flickering out and the fluffle spreading its fins and flying.

Kaboom!

A black explosion ate a large chunk of the sphere's top. I near the edge closest to the exit, for safety reasons.

The gold aura formed by the edges of the sphere began cracking.

"Hurry it up!" Reimu barked.

"I-I'm trying!"

Shii~ng!

Youmu performed a regular high-speed slash on the last binded wireframe aircraft.

Boom!

The amulets and talismans begin shaking as another healing bomb blows up, this time a little bit within the barrier's perimeter, the top now greatly weakened.

"F-fall back!" Reimu yells.

Youmu quickly zooms next to me, ready to escape from the net of soon-to-be-useless holy items.

Craaa~ck!

Reimu is knocked back as her sphere breaks from the sheer damage output of the machines. Fortunately, the efforts seem to have spared the very front of the gate from violence, although many more machines still sat outside.

We ran outside again, but the door wasn't slammed shut by wind or bombs or anything, this time.

"...Terrific." I fold my arms. "For what was seemingly powerful attacks, the two of you seem to have made less than a quarter of progress on liberating the area."

"And you can do better?" Reimu tiredly asks. "I didn't see _you_ doing anything back there."

"What am I going to do? Stab them?" As much as I wish I could, I don't think I can leap onto machines going sixty miles per hour in the air that emit waves of cold air capable of flash freezing people. "...Maybe give them a little poke?" I take out my scissors and poke at the air.

Reimu sighed. "Just keep standing back, then…"

Reimu floats up and goes inside again, this time not immediately bombarded.

"Dream Land! Super Duplex Barrier!"

Reimu spins in the air, sending an array of needles outward. They spiral around in the air, creating pale blue squares in the air that begin glowing. A multitude of these squares are formed, and Reimu makes two boxes around herself with said needles. As a result, a wide array of reflective barriers are created around her.

Squares are left to float about and redirect violence, while Reimu's box acts as a direct counter to the violence of the outside. She proceeds to float around, even the bombs falling towards her coming out either under the box or from the sides, the resulting blast's effects being displaced to the top of the transparent blue box.

Reimu slowly floated across the battlefield. All this tactic did was defend her for the most part, as the constructs seemed immune to their own fire for the most part, although she did manage to accidentally blow up one of the blue wireframes with a redirected firebomb.

This continues for a good five minutes until Reimu's spell card runs out naturally, and she doubles back to Youmu and me who stood still at the gates.

Reimu sighed. "Look… There's just wa~y too much going on for me to really do anything here alone… and your sword can't close the distance between _that_." Reimu gestures to the resuming violence.

Youmu shook her head. "It's okay, Reimu… We tried our best."

We should get a medal for this. Me included, even though I just stood here.

"...There's one thing I could try." Reimu readies herself again. "If this doesn't work, you're on your own."

Youmu nods. "I understand…"

Reimu runs out, dashes into the air, and pauses, observing the oncoming violence.

"Now…" She takes a deep breath.

"Fantasy Heaven!"

A circle of ten Hakurei Yin-Yang orbs circle around her, each one lighting up a color of the rainbow.

"Haaa~h!"

Reimu glows an ethereal rainbow color, slowly hovering into the violence. Transparent orbs shoot from the Yin-Yang orbs like lightning, and before long the orbs are shooting rapid strings with a slight delay per string of orbs.

Claa~ng!

A string of orbs tore through a fluffle piston, leaving electricity marks where it tore.

Wrreee~nch!

A string of orbs latched onto a blue wireframe aircraft, crunching it together with a stone vice.

Blam!

A string of orbs spiraled into the air to meet a bomber, exploding in a ball of fire.

With each encounter, one of the Hakurei Yin-Yang orbs orbiting Reimu lit up pure white.

Before long, they were all ignited.

"Fantasy Nature!"

Youmu reacted quickly, and started pulling the gate closed.

Thwoom. It closed.

…

"Trust me… you don't want to be in the open when-"

Youmu was cut-off.

VvrreeaaaAAAA-

…

My ears rang from the loud noise, even if I didn't see anything from here.

All in all, I'm not sure how to feel about the vast display of bullshit anime powers going on here.

…

Youmu slowly slid open the door.

On the inside was nothing but dirt, seared metal, and fluffles.

Holy shit there was fluffles.

"Waaa~l!"

They were running around, panicked.

…

Bam!

A healing bomb fell from the sky and landed on the blown away, charred statue of what was probably once a cherry blossom tree. The blast shattered the top branches, but rapidly healed it too, resulting in a deformed tree with a large chunk of blossoms missing.

...Reimu tiredly floated up to us.

"There."

Thud. She fell to the floor, unconscious.

...

"...Well… It's time to start… rebuilding." Youmu nodded warily at the barren landscape.

There was nothing left. Just black, grey, and the carbon figures of a few trees… and the slightly charred bigger tree.

...and that one tree that just got revived. It's a bit misshapen, unfortunately.

Another healing bomb fell from the sky, striking an empty patch of land.

Boom!

It became a different shade of grey.

...Also, I had absolutely no clue where the shrine was supposed to be other than its position relative to that big ass cherry blossom that somehow survived the genocide crusade of the fluffles.

"Nice place you got here." I comment. It's about as empty as Yuyuko's head, I'm sure.

Youmu kneeled down at the desolation. "...Hey…"

Hello.

"...Do you know anyone I could hire to help rebuild this?" Youmu asked quietly.

My thoughts drift to a certain lunatic, but chances are whatever he'd make would probably be an even worse example of destruction than the current situation.

…I'm out of ideas. "No clue."

"O-oh…" Youmu nods. "I guess… I'll get started, then…"

She stands…

"...Where do I even begin?"

Blam!

A holy bomb explodes somewhere in the distance, a single chunk of some large hedge being produced by the blast. It's very green in comparison to everything else.

I hear another voice from behind us. "Oh, my! What happened here…?"

I turn to see Yuyuko floating in, a fan over her mouth. Yukari pops out from a gap beside her.

"It seems as if the situation has resolved itself." Yukari comments.

"Y-Yuyuko-sama…!" Youmu freezes up.

"Hello!" Yuyuko waves at her with her open hand. "Where'd you go when the earthquakes started?"

Youmu blinked. "E-earthquakes? Yuyuko-sama, we were under siege!"

Yuyuko blinked back. "We were?"

…

"Yes. Mother Nature wanted to kill us for being undead freaks of nature." I tell her.

"Oh, my~..." Yuyuko appears to exemplify awe of some sort, but I've got a strong feeling it's as fake as my explanation.

"...It seems like this place has seen better days." Yukari observes.

"Mmm…" Yuyuko looks a little crestfallen. "I'm sure it can be rebuilt. What's good is that we have each other!"

Splendid. Truly.

"Right…" Youmu looks intimidated.

Yuyuko notices Youmu's dismay. "...It looks like my assistant could use some assistance."

Yukari grins. "My shinigami need some exercise, anyway…"

A gap opens, and two figures walk out. One is a fox-tailed woman with nine tails, and the other's a far smaller cat girl with two tails.

"It is your bidding, mistress." The fox girl bows.

Yukari rolls her eyes. "Oh, knock off the formalities, would you? We're all friends here!"

"...Right." She gives a lopsided smile.

"Nyahaha!" The cat girl seems to be the opposite of formal. "Hello everyone! Let's build a house!"

The fox girl leans over to her. "...We're building a shrine."

"Let's build a shrine!"

I wonder if she has a thing for catnip…

"...Ran Yakumo." The fox girl introduces herself to me. "...This is Chen."

"Nyaa~!" Chen meows.

Cuddly.

Bam!

Youmu jumps as a large stack of wooden planks land behind her, embedding themselves in the soot.

...Moments later, a healing bomb lands on them.

Boom!

Some of them grow bark, while others merge together. A few have twigs sprouting from them, sporting tiny leaves.

"...Didn't see that coming." Yukari pouts.

A fluffle caked in soot raises its face from the dirty floor for the first time, as it had just spawned moments ago.

"hello friend"

Please, no.

"i love you"

…

"Can I go home, now?" I ask Yukari.

"No." She states simply.

Well, I tried.

...Yukari looks to the unconscious form of Reimu. "You are to aid the Hakurei shrine maiden in the reconstruction of her shrine."

She can say that all she wants, but I'm not going to do it, not even if she gaps me there.

"Understood?" Yukari smirks at me.

I fold my arms and look at her impatiently.

"Good."

A gap opens up under me.

/ / / / DARK LORD STURM / / / /

Reimu and I sat at a kotatsu at the demolished Hakurei Shrine on a brisk day.

"Build." Reimu commanded, lying on the ground with her lower half in the kotatsu.

"No."

"Create."

"No."

"Construct."

"No."

"Make."

"No."

"Devise."

"Your demise?"

…

"Build."

It was a productive day so far.

Reimu sat up. "I was thinking that Youmu was going to be the one to actually work on the shrine…"

Me too. That's why I'm not.

There's also the fact I haven't nailed a piece of wood in my life.

"Look, just round up some fairies or something. I don't care how you do it." Reimu flops on the floor again. "If you don't, I'll get Yukari, or something. Actually, I'll probably just beat you up myself, but there's really not much difference."

Easier said than done… in addition to the fact that I'll just slink away when given an opportunity. It's daylight now, so I'd be fine.

Before I saw that light show, I was somewhat willing to jest that I'd be able to take her in direct combat. After seeing it, I've remembered that I have severe allergies to excessive pain.

"Don't even think of getting out of it, by the way." Reimu added. "I'll find you."

Sure you would.

"While you do that… I'll just be taking a nap…" Reimu yawned.

…

Fluffles emerged from nearby rubble, and began surrounding the miko.

Reimu took notice, looking around. "Hey, hey. Shoo." She waved her gohei around like a flyswatter.

She bonked one on the head. "Waaaa~l!"

"Waaa~l!" Its friends agreed.

They began running around on all four limbs, one running into the kotatsu with its head and tipping it over.

"Hey!"

They fled into the rubble, where they stuck their tiny eyes out from.

Reimu sighed. "...Go." Reimu shook her head at me, flopping back onto the floor. "Stupid dust mites…"

…

She sat up and stretched to use her gohei to try and tip the kotatsu back up, to little avail. She gave up, and just scooted near it to set it back up right, and then flopped.

"Ugh…"

…

All things considered, if she actually bothered with Yukari, I might just keep getting pulled back here until the job is done. She _did_ suggest using the natural fairies of the land.

Making my way to the bottom of the hill, I linger along the edges of the hillside and the forests. There was no need for me to charge into the depths of the woods only to find unspeakable perils.

I hear some voices coming from the upper portion of the back hillside.

"The shrine's still broke!?"

I follow the yelling of some girl. Upon reaching the hillside proper, three fairies are observable on the hillside.

A black-haired fairy folded her arms. "The shrine was always in a state of poor funding, were it not?"

The orange-haired fairy frowns. "That's not it! I mean it's still broken apart into pieces and stuff!"

A blonde-haired fairy stares into the distance, as she had moments prior. "Maybe the shrine maiden moved…"

Irritated, the orange-haired fairy turns to her. "What!? Reimu'd never do something like that! Never ever ever!"

I begin to approach them like the neighborhood pedophile.

The black-haired fairy is unpersuaded. "Sunny-chan, I don't think she'd have any compulsion to-"

"I didn't ask you!"

Said black-haired fairy sighs.

It is time to announce my presence! "Hello, fairies."

The three lock their eyes on me.

'Sunny-chan' glares me down. "Who are you and what'd you do with-"

"Shh~ush!" The black-haired fairy gets up next to her. "Let _me_ handle this! I'm better with humans!"

The blonde fairy floats towards me slowly. "Hey…"

She reaches her hand out to her blonde friend. "L-Luna-chan! Don't!"

…

The blonde fairy floats past me idly.

"Yes, well…" Quite dependable laborers, if I do say so myself. "I would like the three of you to aid in the reconstruction of… a shrine." I don't think they'd agree to help a Hakurei shrine in particular.

'Sunny-chan' eyes me suspiciously. "What's in it for us? It's not every day we help _stinky_ humans like you."

The dark-haired fairy sighs, again. "You guys…"

"I propose bags of candy and treats for the three of you."

…

"Deal! Deal deal deal!" 'Sunny-chan' flies up to me to shake my hand. "Free candy!"

"S-Sunny-chan!" The dark-haired fairy floats up and smacks her hand away. "What are you doing!? What if he's tricking us?"

'Sunny-chan' glares at her. "Then we just prank 'em like we always do and get our candy the hard way!"

'Luna-chan' floats back to us. "I'd like some candy…"

…

"I mean, c'mon, Star-chan…" 'Sunny-chan' shakes her head. "It's candy. Candy! We can always promise some of it to other fairies if we need them!"

"You know we won't have enough to share. All we're going to do is end up making everyone angry again…" 'Star-chan' looks crestfallen.

"So?" 'Sunny-chan' retorts. "It's a deal, mister!"

We shake hands. "Very well."

/ / / / A FAIRLY FAIRY AFFAIR / / / /

Within moments we reach the front gate of the demolished Hakurei Shrine.

"W-wha~t!?" Sunny flails her extremities. "We're rebuilding _this!?_ "

"How convenient…" Star rolls her eyes.

"..." Luna gazes at the desolation.

"Indeed. Get it as done as soon as you can." I move over to the odd box with a grate over it and sit on it. "I will oversee your operations. I would like to see it done as quick as possible, to give you the maximum payoff."

…

"...In Japanese, please?" Sunny is unamused. "I don't speak nerd!"

"He means we need to get this done really quick so we can get the most candy." Star explains tiredly.

"...Oh." Sunny scratches her head. "I knew that!"

Luna floats over to the shrine, and looks down stoically. "...I see Reimu."

Sunny shoots her gaze over there with a jolt. "R-Reimu!?"

She rockets over there, and dive bombs to the figure of the dozing Miko.

"Rei~mu~!"

Glomp.

"H-hey!"

…

Thwack!

"O-oowch! What was that-"

Whack!

...

Sunny is thrown out onto the pavement through the only standing door.

"Uhf…" The fairy lands in a crumpled pile, her outfit all ruffled.

"I'm sleeping." Reimu drones.

She slides the door shut, because that works well without walls. She then goes back to the kotatsu, slides under it, and presumably falls asleep.

…

"...Are you okay, Sunny-chan?" Star floats down to her friend.

"Rafu~hh…" Sunny exclaims from the stone.

Luna drifts up to them, finished with her apparent scouting. "I can make it so she doesn't hear us work…"

Star nods. "That would be best. We don't need to lose half of the fairies we gather, do we?"

I think they can handle this on their own from here. I get up off the box, and while they're busy doing their thing, I walk down the grass beside the staircase to quietly flee the scene...

/ / / / MAKE GENSOKYO GREAT AGAIN / / / /

Moving across the lakeside, I begin making my way towards the manor once more. I should be able to be free to properly explore it, this time around…

Along the lake I pass a youkai-looking woman with red clothing and wolf ears. She's not paying attention to her surroundings, it seems, staring into the lake.

I wonder if…

I slow down, and walk more pronounced, attempting to sneak. It gets even better when I step into the sand nearby…

She instantly turns and looks at me when I've reached twenty feet.

"...Can I help you?" Her voice makes it clear she knew exactly what my intent was.

"...No, I just came to take in the sights, is all."

"Right." Her eyes don't remove themselves from me. "...Let's suppose you _didn't_ smell of blood. You're still human, and I can smell that, too. Judging by your clothing… youkai exterminator? You're not the typical villager, I hope you realize…"

Damn. That's kind of hard to lie around… "...You got me. I only hunt the bad ones, though, just so you know…"

She snorts. "...The only blood I smell on you… is _human_ blood."

Well, shit.

"...It's not my place to do anything about those such as you. You're the village's problem." She yawns. "...Speaking of problems, where is she…?"

...I step towards her.

She snaps back to alert. "I _said_ you're not my problem. I could become _your_ problem very easily." Her fingernails extend. "If I were you, I'd go back to cutting up your fellow man, and keep your blades away from any respectable youkai, if you know what's good for you."

Intimidation doesn't work very well, apparently.

"...Very well." I shake my head. "...I do need to get past you, however. Don't mind me." I walk around her perimeter, her gaze following every fragment of an inch of my movement until I'm well out of range.

Here I was thinking I could hold her up for money, or something. Would a youkai even be carrying money? Hmmm…

In any case, I'm nearing the manor, now.

/ / / / NAILED IT / / / /

I walk up to the gate, and see the fluffy menace to society has once again manned its station.

"hello"

"You're an abomination."

…

It looks over to Meiling. "hello again, friend!"

Meiling groans. "I take back all those times I said I wanted company at the gate…"

"Try killing it." I advise her. "It's the only way."

"Been there, done that." She sighs. "Sakuya's assassinated it numerous times only for it to be fine even up to thirty minutes later. We've burnt the stand, but it comes right back. I just don't know what to do about it…"

Hmm. That's unfortunate.

…

"So, are you going to tell me why you're here, or~..." She stares at me awkwardly.

"No." I shake my head. "We shall stand here and admire the scenery." I proceed to stare into the brick wall.

…

"...Okay, I guess." She gets comfy up against the wall again.

…

"did i ever tell you about the time i ate a _big_ waffle" The fluffle breaks the ice.

"I would appreciate it if you were to perish, and take the rest of your kin with you." I inform it.

"it was really really really big" It raises its fins into the air. "like this big"

…

"it was cuddly"

"Know my pain." Meiling mutters, eyes closed as she leans against the wall.

I walk up to the fluffle stand.

"Shall we do this the easy way, or the hard way?"

It opens its shell nose in surprise. My next question is if it will actually reply.

…

It closes its shell nose. "im dusty"

I grab it by the back of the head, and attempt to slam it against the counter so that the neck collides with the edge. Unfortunately, fluffles have very, very small necks that are more fittingly describable as 'that place between their head and their upper torso', so I ended up awkwardly brushing its chest against the counter instead.

No noise is produced by the transgression, because fluffles are soft. Ech.

Once I'm through with it, it looks back up at me.

"that wasnt very nice you know"

"That was the point..." I lean against the counter, feeling tired.

…

"oh"

I turn to Meiling. "Can I just go inside already?"

She shakes her head. "The mistress is… overlooking reparations, at the moment, and would very much not appreciate being disturbed."

I shake my head. "No, you don't understand… I _will_ go inside."

"Look, last time I let a human in without proper procedure, the roof exploded, and that was today." She shook her head. "If they see you in there, I'm going to be tucking in fairies for the next six months."

"Sounds like fun." I grin.

"...I never said I'd let you in." Meiling sighs.

...This is the part where I'd try to threaten her, but I actually know who Meiling is, and I know enough about her to say that that would go terrifically horribly, possibly resulting in delimbing or death… of myself, that is.

"...Alright. Sure." I nod, looking away. "I'll just go, then."

…

I begin walking along the wall. Meiling watches me go.

I continue to the corner of the wall, and round it.

After rounding the corner, I stop abruptly and turn back to it, then look around it. Meiling has mysteriously vanished.

"As anticipated." I shake my head, then walk back to the front gate. I'm willing to bet she's tracking my position in some manner...

...I reach it, and she doesn't show herself. I try pushing open the gate, but as expected, it's locked.

"im stuffed" Does this thing ever shut up?

I take the fluffle, and lob it over the gate. It's an easy endeavor because they're lighter than even throw pillows.

…

I walk down the path leading away for a bit. Before I reach the lake, I turn back around…

…

Meiling is back at the gate, staring at me as I walk back towards the gate.

I wave at her. "Hello."

"...I hope you realize by now that it's pointless." She stares at me neutrally. "There's no way you're getting in here without beating me in combat."

Hmm…

I turn and walk away.

I hear Meiling sigh as I walk off.

…

I reach the lake, then turn back around, grinning. This should be relatively simple...

I judge the path I should take. If I walk to the left a bit, and go around that one corner, I should get behind the manor without any hassle.

I begin walking to the left.

…

A few fairies fly overhead, giggling, but none of them notice me. I can't get a good look of them as they fly by, but it probably doesn't matter.

This walk is pleasantly uneventful so far.

The temperature drops unexpectedly. Hmm.

Through the trees, I can see the relative position of the manor, so I keep going around the general corner in the woods.

The fairies from before come back, and dive under the roots of a tree, revealing a conveniently hidden chasm under said tree. It's probably their 'house'... or cave. Living space.

The temperature keeps dropping, even though the day is… partly cloudy at the moment. Hmm.

Looking back to the manor, I see that I've passed the corner. I begin slowly moving towards the wall…

A fairy flies into a tree.

Thud!

"Prank failed! Prank fai~led!"

The brown and green fairy flies off awkwardly, her wing bent from the collision.

A chilling wind pierces my clothing, forcing me to shiver. I'd better not catch one of those colds you get from subtle winds…

After a bit of walking, I reach the wall. Along with that, I can audibly hear wind howling, now. I exhale, and see my own breath.

Not liking the looks of that.

Taking out my pink scissorang or whatever it was I called it, I lob it up towards the spikes on the top of the gate.

It sticks, and I begin climbing…

"Hhh, hngh…" Stress on the arms is not fun. "Hahh…"

Reaching the top, I precariously free my scissors from the spikes. Then, I carefully get my legs to the other side.

Atop the wall, I look over the yard. Some flowers, some bushes, some fancy hedges and trees…

I step over near a large bush of some description. It looks uncomfortable to land in, so I-

Woosh!

A harsh winter wind slams into me, causing me to lose my balance.

"Ah…"

I dive into the bush. My landing causes it to shimmer and shake as I get caught on numerous thick branches on my pachinko-esque descent to the ground.

Thud. I finally land.

...Climbing to my knees, I dust myself off.

Not as bad as I had anticipated, but I probably had some unfun bruises… and the temperature seemed to be back to normal on this side of the wall. Probably good that I climbed just then.

I have no idea what caused it, and I'm not sure if I would have liked to find out, either.

Now that I am over the wall, I can proceed to the structure before me…

/ / / / WHO TURNED ON THE AC / / / /

Now in the halls, I should probably maintain-

"Who's that…?"

"I dunno, Yellow-chan…"

"It's a human!"

-stealth…

…

Yeah.

Even in a hall as isolated as this one, fairy maids pass me left and right, some giving curious stares, and others being oblivious.

I have a few goals, here…

One is to set up a fluffle dungeon in the manor's depths, if I can properly access them.

The next…

…

Hmm. I only really have that one. The rest is just for funsies, I suppose.

I continue down the hall.

"I heard it's gonna rain in a few days!"

"Really? Who told you!?"

"Mistress!"

"Wo~w!"

The density of fairy maids in this one hallway gives it a muggy atmosphere, one of which is awkwardly accented by the fact they all smell like perfume and various elements of nature.

Both pleasant and unpleasant at the same time. Ech.

...I wonder… how much manor workers get paid.

I pass a cream-colored maid. I tap her on the shoulder.

"Hey, how's it going?" I give her a casual smile.

"Oh, great! My friend just got her replacement shoes! I'm really happy for her!"

That's nice. "Mind if we go somewhere private? The mistress told me I had to deliver an important message to you."

She gasped. "An important message…?"

I nod.

"Somewhere private…" She put on her thinking cap for this one. "Hmmm…!"

…

Surely there's somewhere that would work easily.

…

"I got it!"

About time…

"...No, wait…"

…

Time's up. "Alright, just follow me…"

She claps. "Ya~y!"

I open a random door in the hallway, cutting through maid traffic to reach it.

Inside is a long room, various fairy maids resting in beds along the wall. To the far side of the room was a dresser.

"Welcome to the fairy barracks!" She announces. "...This place is not private!"

I can see that…

"Fairy barracks?" I question.

"Uhm… We call it that 'cause it's all… eco-nom-ick or something. I forget why, actually!" She smiles.

Good job.

I exit the room, and head down a few doors.

I open the door, and find myself on the long end of the fairy barracks. A cyan-haired fairy maid was lying in the second bed from the wall awkwardly, as if she were thrown there.

I notice a rather peculiar window. Could this be the front of the manor already? Hmm…

"Welcome to the fairy barracks!" the cream-haired fairy maid tells me again.

"Be quiet. I did not ask for a tour." I impatiently tell her

…

Closing said door, I proceed to the next.

It swings open to reveal an empty guest room.

"Welcome to guest room number… uhm…" She pouts. "I don't really memorize the numbers…"

I close the door, and draw my scissors.

She doesn't get the memo, though. "So, what's the message!?" She beams at me, excited.

I lunge for her throat with the scissors, opening them.

Snip!

I cut into her throat.

Her eyes widen. She slowly reaches her hands to her throat, fingers trembling. "Uu-uuu-guhug…"

Her face makes a strained expression, and I make another incision to the throat.

Pi~chun!

She explodes into magic, leaving me slightly glittery…

…

There's not even any clothes or valuables left behind. She just exploded into thin air. Not only are fairies very easy to deceive and kill, but doing so is also a very worthless endeavor.

Get what you pay for, I suppose.

...Before I leave, though, I should take a look around…

Opening drawers just reveals uniforms, undergarments, and the likes. Just some fairy maid things…

I exit the room alone.

The chatter resumes the moment I open the door.

"Did you hear about the explosion?"

"Yeah! They say the heavens smited the mistress for digging too deep!"

"...What?"

Fun times.

I hide my scissors while walking the halls, and none of the fairies bat an eye at that. Some are still giving me weird glances just because I exist.

I eventually eye a cellar door.

Bingo.

I open it, and descend the stairs…

/ / / / NANOFLUFFLES, SON / / / /

After ten minutes of traversing this typical 'intersection maze', I solve it by trial-and-error. I'm not entirely certain why it was there, but it gave me a good nostalgic moment. By that, I mean it reminded me of some video games I had played at home.

I come to a door in the darkness with light leaking from within at the edges.

Waltzing up to it, I'm intrigued. I had thought this basement a little more deserted than this, but I already knew Flandre'd be down here… just not somewhere this easily accessible.

Knock, knock.

…

It opens.

"Hello…?"

I smile down at her. "Greetings."

…

"Who are you?" I'm asked.

"A man."

"Human?"

"That's what I said." I nod.

"...Okay."

…

"...Where'd you come from?" She asks.

"Home."

"Oh."

…

This discussion has been nothing short of awkward.

Staring into her room, I see another door. I point to it.

"Where does that door lead?"

Flandre turns to look at it… "Somewhere."

Is this discussion really that…

I look at her and see she's grinning.

As fun as it would be to get daft with her, I'm afraid that wouldn't go well since I do, in fact, know who she is, and I also know that she could kill me in an instant with the will and concentration. Not only that, but I'm sure stabbing is just outright useless against her, eliminating all my options.

Sad day.

"...May I use said door?"

She shrugs. "I dunno. Maybe."

Hmmm…

"May I not use said door?" Reverse psychology?

"Alright." Flandre nods in agreeance. Well, shit.

"... By that, I mean let me use the door."

"No." Flandre shakes her head.

…

"Please." I add.

"Alright… Just this once." Flandre sticks up her index finger. "Okay?"

I nod. "Sure."

She leads me through her rather decorated room to the other door, and opens it for me.

"Go ahead."

I go ahead.

She closes the door behind me.

…

That was weird.

Looking around, I take a right. Down this path is many aged articles of furniture, and some very antique bits as well. The Scarlets seem to be collectors of some sort… or were, anyway.

I ascend a staircase and open another cellar door…

/ / / / BRIGHT BLUE SKY YO / / / /

It happens to lead outside. The cellar door is surrounded by fresh grass and small charred patches.

I have unfinished business inside, however.

/ / / / FUCK THAT SHIT / / / /

I descend and continue down the hallway.

I pass Flandre's door, not bothering with that funny business again.

I continue down the dark hall.

…

The furniture ends before long, and the hall becomes pure darkness and carpen- nevermind, the carpentry stops too, the floor becoming old wooden planks. The fancy but dated walls stop, and instead the walls turn out to be stone underneath the decorated wood bits.

I eventually come to a shoddy metal door.

Why had nobody told me this place had something this fancy?

I open it, and a very curious odor hits me instantly. Hallway stretches from left to right, still dark. Empty torch holsters line the walls, along with metal protrusions of various kinds, including hooks and chains. Flowing water is heard and I look down. Grates periodically replace the now stone, and sometimes tiled, floor.

Water comes loudest from the grates. I have no idea where this water is coming from, or where it's going, however.

I look along the wall, and see brown and black stains that reach down to the floor and into the drainage grates. Despite the darkness of the place, a pale, ambient glow keeps everything barely visible.

I step through the hallway, my footsteps alternating between clicking and clacking on the varied floor materials.

I jump as a pastel-blue light flickers on to my left. It's situated in the upper edge between the wall and the ceiling, showing me the tiled pattern on the ceiling which is very much cracked and likely dilapidated. The unearthly glow of this light probably lends to the ambient blue in the tunnel. This, however, implies more are on elsewhere.

I'm not alone in these tunnels. What could walk through them, though? Nothing pleasant, I'm sure, but certainly not something unsafe for the mansion if it were kept in such an easily accessible location. Provided, it is out of the way, but still.

I continue to a split three-way, where I have two options.

I look down the right hall and see pale darkness.

I look down the left, and a light is on. I can't tell what's down there with my crappy eyesight, though…

Brandishing my scissors, I slowly step towards the lit portion of hallway.

There is no figure there, and when I get there, I realize there's a body there, mounted onto some of the recurring metal protrusions on the wall. Crimson blood of debatably healthy colors flowed from the bald man, the most bleeding seeming to come from the stomach, where incisions appear to have been made. The blood lightly flowed down his body to the edges of his toes, where it dripped. Blood flowed down the back wall, hinting at other incisions.

Not a happy day to be that guy, I'm sure.

I continue down this hall, and end up bumping into a black cart.

Some lights flicker on, and I get to look at it properly…

...it's an empty, black cart with an economical design.

I push it away for fun.

I continue down the hall, some lights flickering on while others fail to start at all. More bodies of bald men decorate the walls in places. One thing of note is how they're all still bleeding, seemingly none of them totally dry. They've all got at least one drop every couple minutes at the very least. Water was muffled over the grates near those that bled, implying those grates were sealed in some manner, but still captured the blood.

The place is still a bit messy, to be honest, but I suppose that's what you get for working with humans.

I continue until I reach a large room. This room has bottles upon bottles lined upon the shelves, various carts sitting unorganized and strewn about the room with myriads of filled and unfilled bottles upon them. Other shelves held barrels.

Lights flicker on.

This was an underground brewery.

This has to have been where the vampires got their blood from- for their pastries, for their tea, and for their wine.

I hope they do something to clean it up, though. These cellar floors are nasty, and I bet those grates have something repulsive festering in them, with all the blood that flows through them…

...I see a bottle of refined Scarlet Wine on the shelves, and snatch it, placing it into my bag.

No one needs to know.

I hear clattering, and the sound of a bottle smashing makes my reflexes kick in. Jumping, I look around, drawing my scissors.

I see movement near a smashed bottle, the wine flowing on the floor.

...I crouch, looking under some shelves.

I see something that should never have been seen. A horror unspeakable. A true nightmare…

"hi friend"

It's a motherfucking fluffle. What the _fuck_ are they doing down here?

"You things are like rats, except with phenomenal cosmic powers." I complain.

It scurries under the shelves to somewhere where I can't see it.

I was slightly tense earlier, but knowing that all that was down here was dust mites and dying bodies relaxed me.

If this was all there was to see, I suppose I should head back. No use in traversing the underground complex of dead people and wine… and dust bunnies.

I still want that fluffle dungeon, though, and it's going to start with the first hallway and just go down.

I start leaving for the previous hall…

...when I hear a click against the stone floor of a shoe that is distinctly not my own.

Right behind me.

…

I step forward again.

I hear that click.

I turn around… and before me is a monster that transcends the meaning of the word 'nightmare'.

It is an upset maid!

She has her knives ready, apparently. "What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be here."

"Why," I begin, "I'm simply taking a sightseeing tour, you see. This manor has some quite exquisite scenery, if I do say so myself."

…

"By the way," I add, "you have a dust mite infestation. Might wanna fumigate, or something."

…

"I had noticed."

In the corner of my vision, I saw a knife fly along the floor, under the shelf.

Thunk.

"They persist even after extermination."

I shrug. "Might wanna get that checked out by a professional, then, you know."

"How did you get here?" She teleports in front of me, blocking the way.

I grin. "I used my limbs to mobilize myself, as bipedal beings are known for doing."

Knives freeze in the air around me.

"Any last words?"

I hold up my index finger.

"Yukari Yakumo."

…

The knives are put away. "My mistress will have words with her, then."

"You see, I am quite an important pawn in the Yakumo's endeavors." I tell her. "It simply would not do if I were to be injured, would it?"

Sakuya sighs. "I'll make sure that my mistress confers with the Yakumo… and we'll be certain to remind them where their boundaries lie."

I'm pretty sure Yukari can step on anything in Gensokyo as much as she wants and that Sakuya's just trying to be imposing. I mean, it's working, but for the wrong reasons. That's probably because I'm pulling so much shit out of my ass that I'm not going to have a rectum anymore.

Figuratively for now, and perhaps literally later!

"I will now escort you out."

Oh, that's going to be-

/ / / / WHO PUT THAT WALL THERE / / / /

-fun.

Oh.

I'm outside the gate now.

"Have a nice day."

Sakuya's gone.

I turn around to see Meiling with a knife in her forehead, glaring at me.

…

"Look." I hold up my arms. "On the upside… you can pretend to be an oni now!"

If steam could come out of her ears, it would.

She's about to obliterate me, but Sakuya pops back out.

"This matter will be solved diplomatically with the Yakumo."

She's gone, and Meiling had received additional knives.

She sulks against the brick wall. "You asshole…"

I point at her. "And now you're a porcupine! Hahaha~!"

…

"When Yukari gives me the go ahead, I'm going to find you, and I'm going to kill you." Meiling's just staring. No glare, no yelling, just absolution.

I smile and wave to her. "Make sure not to have your eyes poked out before then. Happy trails, laborer!"

/ / / / HAHAHA, YOU LIVE IN A VAN! / / / /

On my way back to the Hakurei Shrine in the early dusk, I see that it has been fully erected. I wonder if the fairies are still angry about their payment…

Regardless, I'm pretty sure things there are smooth enough.

Progressing up the steps, I reach the Hakurei Shrine.

This place… doesn't look half bad, actually.

I head for the door, and slide it open.

Reimu is snoring peacefully under the kotatsu.

Well, that's one person I've pleased today… as opposed to the literal 'nearly everybody and their mother' I probably pissed off back there. The fun part is that all I did was go places and see things.

Giving myself a brief tour of the newly constructed shrine, there seems to be little here of value, unless I wanted to nab some dresser drawers… which I don't.

Before I know it, the sky outside the shrine is black, and the shrine's interior darkens with it. I have no idea how this place got illuminated before, so I'm forced to wallow around in the darkness once light totally leaves the shrine.

…

Well, this is inconvenient. I appear to be unable to see much of anything.

A gap opens in front of me, the glow of the eyes sticking out like a sore thumb in the darkness. The shady figure of the gap youkai emerges.

"I see that you've successfully rebuilt the shrine…"

Yeah. _I_ success-

"Who was bribed this time?" She brings out a fan, covering a face I already can't see because of how dark it was. Good job.

"Some laborers." She'll probably infer they were fairies anyway.

"...I figured as much. At the very least, you've shown you can follow directions."

When convenient for myself. If this was obedience training of any sort, then she'll probably be very happy to find out that I somehow diverged wildly from the task, got into major trouble in parts unknown, and came back to still have the task done.

"...I still can't just let you run around, though. Not without proper planning…"

I'm dropped into a gap.

/ / / / COLD FLUFFS AND FLUFF FALLS / / / /

My eyes readjust to the light of Hakugyokurou…

...Looking around, I see the shrine is back to its former state. However, the surrounding greenery is still scorched badlands… except for many patches where healing bombs look like they struck.

There was also that one tall cherry blossom tree. It now was completely free of blemishes.

I proceed to the shrine proper, walking down the refurbished stone pathway.

I slide open the door…

The front room is empty, as always. I proceed to the kitchen, and see Youmu with her face resting in a bowl of dough of some description, with Yuyuko staring at her expectantly.

"...I see." I comment on the scene before me.

"Oh, hey!" Yuyuko looks up at me, smiling. "Youmu's baking us some cookies to celebrate the restoration efforts!"

"...Right." Youmu doesn't look like she's baking anything anytime soon…

I sit down at the table, watching Youmu be dead inside.

…

"How long has this been going on?" I'm curious.

Yuyuko grins. "She started an hour or so ago."

…

"It's probably going to taste like drool." Half-ghost drool. Ech.

Yuyuko pouts. "You don't need to be mean about it! Youmu's just resting her eyes for a moment, right Youmu-chan?"

She floats up to Youmu and nudges her on the shoulder. Youmu slowly slides off the table and onto the floor.

Thud.

Smash!

The bowl of dough breaks behind her.

…

"On a scale of one to ten… how bored are you?" I ask her.

"Very." Yuyuko sighs. "A lot of the stuff I was working on earlier wasn't spared from the siege, so now I've got time to kill until then…"

Stuff, huh? First I heard of her actually ever being anything but a lazy aristocrat…

Here I was again, back in the boring monotony that was Hakugyokurou. The only things vaguely interesting here are the gardener, the ghost woman, and the myriad of pissed off ghosts that persist around the outer landscape

A gap opens up beside Yuyuko. Yukari emerges, looking stern.

"...Did you happen to… visit a certain manor today?"

I nod.

"Did you see… anything?"

Descriptive. I nod.

"...Did you see anything you shouldn't have?" She glares at me.

I shrug.

"...I have words for you later."

She vanishes through her gap.

That's going to be a fun time, I'm sure.

…

Yuyuko sighs. "I won't even ask."

Good. I think I'll let the events speak for themselves…

I take out that bottle of scarlet wine. I consider drinking it, but I don't think being potentially alcohol impaired for whatever upcoming legal proceedings and/or execution proceedings would be a good idea.

Yuyuko eyes it as I put it away, but says nothing.

…

Another long period where nothing happens, I assume. Great.

I meander outside to look at the barren landscape. I considered to trying to duke it out with a ghost for a moment, but then I realized no ghosts were to be had at the moment because the land was glassed. Most unfortunate.

Walking around, there really isn't anything out here. Continuing through the barren ghostscape, I take in the sights of absolutely fucking nothing.

I might have liked this place when it had things, actually. At least I had something to look at, then.

A cold wind blows by, and I look around to make sure whirling death machines aren't descending upon us.

…

They aren't. Crisis averted...

I look up at the cloudy sky of Hakugyokurou. This place is _always_ cloudy. When it's not, the sky is just a dull grey, so it doesn't make a difference anyway.

...I look up to see white specks falling- no, floating down from the sky.

It was snowing.

…

Just what this blasted land needed. A frost spell to seal its doom.

I think I'll just go back inside.

/ / / / THE LAND OF NOD, YO / / / /

That outdoor excursion was very much pointless.

"Was it everything you thought it would be?" Yuyuko grins.

"And more." I add. "I did indeed have low expectations of your lands."

She pouts. "It'll get better!"

"Not while it's snowing, it won't." It'll be blasted _and_ frozen.

"Ooo~!" Yuyuko cheers, bringing her hands together. "That's great! Snow is so pretty!"

"Charming." I suppose it would look better than the hellscape the place ended up being. It still doesn't do anything for the recovery of the plants, though.

…

"Board games." I propose. "Do we have any?"

Yuyuko shakes her head. "Just the essentials, at the moment. Nothing fun…"

Twister with spirits would have been fun.

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

CHAPTER 21.5 END

PROTAGONIST: Matthew, the Debatably Sane Outsider, Lord of Edges

PRIMARY WEAPON: Bloodied Steel Scissors - Stained lightly with fresh blood from a young human female. Sharp, shiny-ish, and to the point!

INVENTORY:

Steel scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Quick Scissorang - Non-elemental scissors that are enchanted to return to the owner with ferocity. Not that powerful of a weapon, but combined with strong string it can be used like a powerful grappling hook. Looks like it belongs in a Barbie catalog.

Flame Scissors - Fire-elemental scissors that have an incendiary effect on strike. Boosts fire magic and abilities, as if I had any.

Steel-alloy String - An experimental item provided by Alice as part of her testing. She uses these herself to manage her dolls, or so I'm told.

A Tuft of Cloth Strings - Pink, regular cotton string. It's soft, and clean.

A Fluffy Hooligan - Soft, and warm to the touch. Ech!

Book of Rebomb - Teaches basic and advanced bomb magic. Written in some fantastical language, so I can't read it.

Scarlet Wine - A fine bottle of wine accented with a dose of drip-collected and processed blood. How much is uncertain. The bottle itself is freakin' burly.

(1 more empty space)

PARTY:

Rebomb Fluffle - Soft, and warm to the touch. Ech! Has a gag on to keep it from casting Rebomb over and over again, which would be a very bad time.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Rebomb - Advanced bomb spell that blows up the nearby vicinity with random bombs. Very random damage.

INVENTORY:

Finsticuffs.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

just realized i forgot to add an author's note

so uh

NOT MUCH TO TALK ABOUT AT THE MOMENT.

see you all next time n things, yo. i'm fluffy.


	33. Age of Fluffology: The Nuggets Expansion

(in which we don't get a sexy hot springs scene)

...At first I thought the water was hot as hell, but y'know, after a few moments it's not so bad…

Hahh...

…

New goal: get someone in here with me. Yeah, I know it's impossible, but y'know, aim high and all that shit.

Fridge logic: Cirno plus hot springs. Do they become cold springs, or does the water eviscerate her? Hmm…

I wish I had some bathtub toys, yo. Like rubber duckies and those battery-powered boats that were more liable to fucking electrocute or sink rather than amuse you in any way. What asshole made those, anyway? I mean, I like the concept, but just not when it happens to me.

Actually, I just took a few of those ducks, didn't I?

I take one out, and squeeze it.

It squeaks!

…

I hug it. It's tiny.

…

I smash it against a rock, and it produces a pitiful wail.

…

I stick it over a gap between the rocks, daring myself to drop it in and lose it forever. A fluffle pops out and makes the decision for me, grabbing it with its shell nose mouth thing, and descending into the dark gap.

I stare down into it, slightly surprised. The fluffle pokes its head out and bumps into my face.

"Friend." I greet it.

It hides.

…

I think that's enough time in the hot spring. You know it's time to get out when you start getting tired of the heat and your fingers are all pruney.

Get out, get dressed, get, gat, and go!

...Actually, it'd be 'got', not 'gat', innit? Who cares!

Now, to go about building that freakin' rocket to Mars…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I walk back into the Hakurei Shrine. "I'm squeaky clean, yo!"

"Mmhmm…" Reimu tiredly moaned from the kotatsu. There were still rubber duckies and freakin' water all over the place.

Uhhh...

Actually, I could use those, I think!

"You got any spare wood around?" Reimu's gotta be like, loaded with spare materials after rebuilding the shrine.

"Mmm…"

…S'dat a yes, or a no?

I'll just look around, whatever.

I scale the shrine for some time and eventually find a pile of plywood and other wood chunks.

"It's wood." I observe casually. I take a plank, and take it inside.

Reimu watched me enter. "Whah…"

I turn to her, making my best Arnold Schwarz-whatever impression. "Aawww, look at de leetle bah~be!"

She stared at me blankly.

I plopped the plywood down on the shrine floor. "Hey, Reimu, is it okay if I make a rocket in here?"

"No~..."

"Okay, thanks." I pretend to begin hammering the plywood.

"No…!" Reimu sits up. "I just made this place!"

I smirk at her.

"Don't screw it up…" She slowly begins to lie back down…

"You made it, or _had_ someone make it?" I am smug.

"...Aaagh." she groaned. "Just, like, go play in the yard or whatever it is you do in your spare time."

I'd prefer pornography were I to do what it is I do in my spare time, so~ I'll just be making that rocket… or trying.

I take the plywood into the yard. I might need more plywood, though, so I grab it.

"Okay…" I sigh, dropping it next to the base board.

Building start!

…

I dunno where to begin.

I take out Swift Brand and begin hitting it.

Clunk!

"Do, do do!"

Clunk!

"Do do do, do!"

Clunk!

"Do, do, do… _do!_ "

"Shut up!" Reimu yells from the shrine.

Daw. Now I'm sad…

Let me proceed to internalize this and bottle it up for years, only to exact my revenge on Reimu for her cruelty and lack of understanding years after she'd have forgotten this transgression, if she even remembers it just happened!

…

Or not. I'm determined, but y'know what they say, it's unhealthy to hold grudges! I'd also probably forget all about this exchange in like, a day's time, too!

Now, how do I actually go about doing this? I don't have anything to attach plywood…

I'd probably have a better time if I went and nicked crap from Rinnosuke's shop, but he undoubtedly expects payment of some form.

Hmm…

I go over to the shrine's donation box, and peek inside.

As empty as a fluffle's nonexistent soul. Dang…

Unfortunately, it's also not like Reimu'd have anything worth stealing…

Stealing…

…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I show up at Marisa's empty, ravished abode.

Piles of books with tarps over them lied under what was practically a pavilion. I mean, look, there's puddles everywhere, broken shit is like, all over the place. It's a real fixer-upper at this point… Gensokyian insurance is both a must and probably something that'd cost a small fortune.

I lifted the blue tarp, and began scooping random books in. I mean, if they were in a pile, I dunno if she'd miss them or not. I kinda feel like a dick for doing this, knowing what I know about organized chaos and all, but y'know…

After scooping up one substantial pile, I'm pretty sure that's enough to make Rinnosuke happy. Maybe.

I begin to walk out, when I notice a water fairy staring in at me.

"..."

"Can I help you?" I begin rationally for a change.

"Those aren't yours." She observes.

"How do you know?" Son, now is not the time to be smart fairy.

"You're not that witch." You freakin' noob…

"Well- how do you know!?" It's time to get loud!

"You're not!" The water fairy steps back from my volume.

"But... I thought I was!" I begin stomping towards her.

She flies back, and shoots bubbles at me.

Splash…

…

I part my wet hair from my face. Again. My hair was going to be flat for like, awhile…

"Now the wet fairy gets the hanger again." I take out Swift Brand again, walking towards her casually. "C'mere."

"No. Stinky thief." She blows a raspberry! The nerve!

"I can't stink, I just took a bath!" I argue. "Get owned."

"You still stink."

I have learned one cannot win an argument with a fairy.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I walk into Kourindou. This place always gives me that Home Depot vibe, if only because of the crap everywhere.

Rinnosuke notices me instantly. "Oh, hey."

I walk up to the counter. "I came for stuff!"

He shakes his head. "No more stuff."

I hold open my bag, and pour a spread of books onto the counter. "Payment."

His eyes scan the books for a few moments… "Where did you find these?"

"A place I call Hell." That could potentially be many places…!

He blinks. "You actually went there?"

Freakin'- no, not _that_ Hell! "No, yo- I mean I went to Marisa's house and stole her crap."

"Oh."

…

"That's fine, then, I suppose." He nods, and begins moving the books under the counter. "...Most of these are magical tomes, though." He flips one open-

Fwash!

My ears are ringing, and I am blind! Oh, shit!

…

…

My vision slowly returns to me, as does my hearing. I feel vibrations from the entrance to the shop, and see the water fairy from earlier had fallen over and began flailing wildly in the doorway.

I look to Rinnosuke, and see him rubbing his eyes, the book closed.

Patchouli musta put a fucking flashbang spell on it, or something. Jesus.

"...Are... are the rest of these like this?" Rinnosuke asks me, eyeing the book nervously.

I shrug. "I don't know, dude, I just stole them. There're probably a few that'll just freakin' go nuclear on you."

"...Right." He sighs. "I'll have to see if I can contact a mage at some point to help me with the traps. Preferably Patchouli herself."

I nod. "Can I look for more stuff to put on my tab?"

"Sure." Rinnosuke dismissively gives me the go-ahead.

Alright… I put my hands down on the desk. "Duct tape!"

"Fresh out."

You wot, mate. "...Glue?"

"Didn't you take the last of it with you?" Rinnosuke stares at me quizzically.

...Maybe. I forget.

He reads my expression. "...You need these things why?"

I lean on the counter all nonchalant. "Eh, y'know, making rockets to heaven so I can eat peaches and shit until I barf so I can watch it fall to earth and hopefully ruin someone's day."

…

"You're human, right?" He tilts his head.

I nod. "I'm fluffy, too, but I don't think that counts."

"I've never met a human as amazingly misguided." Rinnosuke sighs. "Not since a certain witch, anyway…"

"You mean amazingly... _correct_ …guided…" Nailed it.

"...Good on you." He shakes his head. "Look, are you here to buy something? You're disturbing the customers…"

We turn to the water fairy, who is still having a fun time flailing on the ground in the doorway for some reason.

"I think she's _been_ disturbed." I comment.

"Only because you're here."

I look back at him. "It was the flashbang, yo."

He blinks. "...That name's rather on the nose for such an effect, isn't it?"

Yeah. "Hey, I didn't name it."

"You just did."

Son. "Freakin'- that's what it's called in the outside world!"

"...The outside is a very direct place, then."

I shake my head. "Dude- what does the O… in outside world stand for?"

…

He stares at me blankly. "Outsi-"

"S'fookin' stoopid!?" I suddenly jerk my face towards his, twisting my head and invading his personal space. He jumps back.

"Yes, well…" He readjusts his glasses. "I was trying to give it a more graceful description."

Hmm, well… "Kinda sucks out there. You got a bunch of angry, small people trying to shove bullets up your ass for trying to defend the fact that you don't worship something… or respect their gender identities… or like the same sports teams…"

Now I was in a land where angry, small people shove magical bullets up your ass indiscriminately!

"...That's not entirely different from here, you do realize?" Rinnosuke calmly points out.

"I'm not explaining it well." I defend… I think. "Okay, let me put it this way: It's like here, but darker, edgier, and boringer, and everyone hates you."

"You sound like you're trying too hard to write it off as a bad place." He argues. "If the place is really so boring, how come it has so many wondrous devices and technology?"

"Because we're fookin' munchkins." I tell him.

…

"Good enough." He nods.

…

"You got any freakin' easy building materials, yo?" I ask him. "Like, son, I need all the tapes and things. I would like to speak to your manager."

"...I'm the only one who works here." Rinnosuke deadpans. "...Aren't I older than you?"

"Pedantics." I wave him off. "Manager, son. I need to have stern words with them!"

Suddenly, hands on my shoulder! They're not Rinnosuke's, though, because he's across the freakin' counter. Gloved hands run across my shoulder, making me instinctively tuck my neck in as the tingles flow from the point of contact.

"You ra~ng?"

Yukari, please.

"You're freakin' creepy." I tell her. I mean, I enjoy the touchy-feely, but I have a compulsion to resist teasing!

Her hands tense up, slowly running up my neck. "What was that…?"

I move my hands up to hers to remove them from my neck. I tug, but her hands don't budge.

"Fufufu… You think it would be that easy to-"

I lift my legs and curl up into a ball, forcing Yukari to drop me from the unexpected weight of my entire body. I drop onto my ass and re-extend my legs, flinging myself into Yukari's dress…

...I end up in a gap instead, and land on the counter, on my back. "Oof…"

"How much for this?" Yukari puts her hands on me to keep me from sitting up.

"You'll have to pay me to take it." Rinnosuke, please.

Yukari finally unhands me, and I get to sit up. "Alright, yo, I suspect you are the manager of this establishment?"

She unfolds her fan, covering her face. "That would be correct."

Rinnosuke looks at me. "That would be incorrect."

Demands time! "I need duct tape. And super glue."

She nods. "What will I expect in exchange?"

D'aahh… I don't like the sounds of that... "...What'd you want?"

Snapping her fan shut, she smiles at me. "There's a certain ghost running amok in Gensokyo. While it may be none of my or your concern, I'd appreciate it if you kept an eye out for her, and if she does anything… overly disruptive for Gensokyo as a whole, you must be the one to quell her."

Woah, no. "...Sounds like a hard bargain for freakin' duct tape."

"I figured you'd say that." She pulls out a bag of yen.

Hmmm… "How much yen is that?"

"Five hundred thousand."

Ooo.

"...What if someone else quells her? Like Reimu?" I ask.

Yukari shrugs. "Well… find out." She winks.

"...Find out what?" I ask.

"...Find out." She reiterates.

"What, though?" It's time to be obnoxious!

Her smirk dissipates. "...It's a secret."

"Why?"

Yukari sighs. "How bothersome. I assumed you would have the manners to not press a lady in such a manner."

I point at her. "You're not a lady, you're a plot device!"

…

Yukari brings a hand to her temple. "This interaction is starting to irk me. Raa~n!"

A gap opens, and Ran Yakumo steps from it.

"Yes, Mistress?" Ran announces with a formal tone.

"Negotiate with the human. I'm going to go lie down…"

Ran's eyes widen. "H-hibernation already!? Y-Yukari-sama, the preparations are only-"

She holds up her hand. "I leave the task in your care."

"What?"

Yukari vanishes through a gap- and she takes the yen with her. I knew that was too good to be true.

…

She pops her head back out. "Oh, by the way…"

A gap opens over my head, and some fluffles drop down onto me. They begin scurrying about, and I flail a bit to get them off me.

I look back to where she was, and she's freakin' gone. Waauu~...

"honh honh honh" The fluffles were making fluffy noises.

...

Respect grab in three… two… one…

"Hey, Ran, I could get you pictures of Chen!"

She scowls. "I know quite well of the internet's depths, and if I'm going to be perfectly honest with you… it disgusts me."

Well, that went to shit even faster than I had anticipated.

"...You seem to know of them, though." Her eyes narrow. "...Would you happen to know anything about the producers of such content?"

I shrug. "About as much or less than you do. You'd have better luck asking Yukari to assassinate them or something."

"I tried." Ran folds her arms.

Rinnosuke looks troubled. "Must we discuss assassination right at the counter?"

I nod. "Rinnosuke, you're a black market dealer now. It comes with the territory."

…

"Sure." He tries opening another book, only for it to just not open, as if it were a prop. "...That's real nice."

…

If there ain't anything here, we should go work out that deal elsewhere. I'm kinda tired of standing in the Kourindou.

That water fairy got all tuckered out and was now asleep on the floor.

"Follow me, friend." I begin to step outside, awkwardly stepping over the water fairy.

Ran wordlessly follows me as we leave the Kourindou.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We're midway to the Hakurei Shrine!

"...What can I do to convince you to chase down that ghost for Mistress?" Ran begins the discussion!

"Nothing, because that sounds like a drag, and also sounds super cheesy." I argue. "I mean, the fuck'd I do to her, anyway?"

…

Ran shakes her head. "I don't know Mistress' logic enough to tell you, unfortunately. What I can tell you is that she's been in a rush to start her hibernation, for some reason."

"So she picks the equivalent of a goomba to be the chosen hero to go stop Mario. That's like arriving in the boss castle only to find a goomba! I'd be the worst boss in video gaming history!"

Ran smiles at that. Hehey, she gets it! "Yes, well, I'm sure she had intentions for you…"

Oh, sure. "Yeah, okay. I'm sure she can plan around me _not_ accepting the deal, then."

She sighed. "...She'll be displeased, I'm sure."

"She can take it up with me, then." I poke my chest with my thumb. "I'm fluffy."

…

"So, 'bout that duct tape…"

Ran sighed. "If it's so important, I'll get it for you as a favor. How much do you need?"

"All of it." I set my starting quota!

"Be serious." Ran looks at me levelly.

No fun and games, apparently… "Well, in truth, I'm trying to build a rocket to heaven!"

…

"Why not fly…?" Ran pops the question.

"And thus, heaven rocket." I reiterate. "I'm a freakin' human."

Ran shook her head. "I could tell. I take it you can't fly, then?"

I nod.

"...Right. Well, I can get the duct tape for you of my own volition. If you could, could you keep an eye out on that ghost? If you could?"

Kinda what I'm technically doing already, actually. Screw fighting Mima, though. I don't have an interest in dying anytime soon. I dunno if Yukari was hoping I had developed some incredibly OP super power in that time or what, but I don't think uh…

We begin walking up the grueling Hakurei Shrine steps.

I generate a block. "I'm gonna block you." I hand it to Ran.

She takes the block, and stares at it. "...I take that as a no, then…"

I hold up a hand, "No, no, I was just thinking. I could, infact, keep an eye open. I've actually been doing that. Mima showed up a few days ago and was rowdy at the mansion."

Ran blinked. "Wait, what?"

"Nuggets." I told her.

We reach the plywood I left behind.

"...I'll keep that in mind." She notes my information and looks down at the plywood...

She stares at it, then looks up at the Hakurei Shrine. "...I see the reparations here actually reached fruition."

I nod. "Freakin' squeaky clean, aside from that pile of rubber duckies Yukari left in the main room."

"Of course." Doesn't even bat an eye.

We go back to looking at the plywood…

"Well, I'll see what I can do about that duct tape." She pats me on the back. "You want it dropped off here?"

I nod.

"Alright…"

With that, Ran pulls out a modern smartphone and, after pressing a few buttons, holds it up to her ear. "Yukari-sama? Yes. Yes, I negotiated a compromise. Yes. Thank you."

A gap opens up. She turns to me and waves a brief goodbye before departing.

Hmm… I was kinda doing this rocket thing to kill time, but now I need more stuff to kill time with!

I enter the Hakurei Shrine to see Reimu passed out on the floor. Fluffles snuggled up alongside her. I'd snuggle up next to her too, but I'm pretty sure she'd instantly wake up and make me cease to exist, so y'know…

Idea.

Moving through the shrine, I take her dresser and push it out into the main room. It makes one hell of a racket, but I do it.

...I hide behind it like a wall. Now all I need are more fluffles!

I open one dresser drawer. Wraps 'n' stuff. Probably smells like gauze or something… ech!

Do they even have gauze in this time period?

Anyway, drawers…

Next drawer: Shrine maiden outfits! I dunno what I expected from the big drawer…

I slide the next one open…

Panties! Good to know Reimu wears these! Sadly, they're all very economical white designs.

No fluffles in this freakin' drawer? The world must be ending! Time to go outside and kidnap some fluffles to use in my miniature shrine war I'll be holding!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: AGE OF FLUFFOLOGY ====

I enter the woods!

"Waaa~l!" I wail the mating call of the fluff stuffs.

Nothing happened…

I move in the woods towards the Misty Lake slowly, keeping my eyes out for wild fluff stuffs.

I see a sunflower fairy.

"Hi!" She cheerfully greets. "Do you like my sunflower? I grew it myself!"

How cuddly. I stare at her as if she grew a second head.

"...Do you… not like it?"

Wait, don't I have something similar on me?

I take out Quake Bloomer.

"...!" She gasps in surprise. "T-that… That was Mary-chan's sunflower!"

Surprisingly non-elemental name. I was anticipating something like 'Sun-chan'.

"W-what happened to it!?" The fairy girl fluttered around in the air, her rage building. "...Y-you…"

Freakin'... I came to steal fluffles, not fight fairy friends!

I run out of the way of an absurdly telegraphed rage laser. "Pay!"

Choo~!

The danmaku beam hits a tree, leaving little damage to speak of.

I run closer to her with Quake Bloomer.

"Get back!"

Choo~!

That one nearly hit me, but I run alongside it to get closer!

I better start strafing…

"Stop!" She aims where I was going, but I strafe in the other direction!...

...but she holds her fire and aims in my new direction ahead of me. I barely stop in time-

Choo~!

 _Yeeeoooww~ch!_

…

I clutch my searingly pained shoulder, sloppily moving towards her. Fu~ck…

"Haha! I got you, I got you!"

Choo~!

Another close call that I thankfully strafed away from. In her greed, she failed to notice the distance closed, and I lacklusterly bring Quake Bloomer to the air and swing it. It misses her, and she leaps back in surprise from how close the swing was.

"Aaa~h!"

Choo~!

The beam goes straight up as she flails the flower around. I run up to her and jab Quake Bloomer into her stomach.

"Uufgh!"

She cringes, saliva flying from her mouth as the jab took the wind out of her. While she was recovering, I bring up my hanger hammer like a great broadsword, and bring it down on her head.

Thunk!

Thud.

She's out for the count on the ground. An unhealthy gash was left on the top of her head, but no blood came out, because fairies don't bleed conventional blood, as it were.

I lift the hanger again… and bring it down again.

Thunk!

Pi~chun!

Rest in pieces, bitch. That's what happens when you clip my fucking shoulder, you git…

…

I sit down, examining my shoulder. It was fine for the most part, but yo, danmaku… it hurts.

I take five for a moment to catch my breath, and out comes my first victim.

A fluffle scurries from some bushes, and scuttles along the leaves and stuff up to me. It sniffs my pants.

"honh" exclaims the wild fluffle.

I hug it, and stuff it into the sack.

"You belong to me, now, friend." I casually inform it.

Aww.

...I should try to find sandy fluffs on the beach.

I'm nearly to the Misty Lake as it is, so it should be easy. 

I see some eared youkai with red clothing near the lake, looking out onto the water. Why, oh why must I find all the freakin' noobs?

I move along until I reach the beachy portion, and once I'm there, the youkai turns around.

I take a combat stance, and place a card face down in defense mode! Yeah, if only…

...if only I knew how to play Yu-Gi-Oh in the first place!

She looks at me, but doesn't get ready for combat herself. "...I… think I remember you."

Hmm?

"You were lost that one night, right? The weirdo with the plant hanger, stumbling about the shore?" She inquires.

I shrug. "Probably."

"I'm Kagerou." she tells me, "...I've heard some strange things about you."

Somehow. "How, friend?"

"Word from youkai around these parts. You're popular with the fairies." Ooo!

"Like, in what way?" I had to know!

Kagerou doesn't reply. Probably for the best…

…

"Did you lose your way again?" She asks me. "It's not often humans like you come out this far for no reason…"

"I have to find the sandy fluffs." I state. "They're sandy."

She nods idly. "...Oh."

The water splashes, and Wakakaka...ka appears!

"He~y, you made it!"

Kagerou smiles warmly at her friend. "How're you, Waka?"

Waka, huh.

"I'm doing fine. The lake's climate has been well."

"That's good…"

…

I walk up. "Have any of you guys seen some sandy fluffs?"

Kagerou stares at me blankly.

Wakagasagaga nods. "Yeah, they keep trying to swim and constantly sink to the bottom. When they do, they clutter the place because they don't decompose, and apparently can't drown."

I look down, and a fluffle sticks its head out of the sand.

"...They also like burrowing." she noted. "They have dusty foreheads."

Kagerou shakes her head. "I keep seeing more of these things around. All the local youkai are stumped by them…"

"How so?" Wakagooseyloosey looks intrigued.

"They're not appetizing, they have no fear to harvest, they don't need to eat or anything, and they have no apparent goals… most of the time. They just _are_. Why?" Kagerou raises her hands to accent her point.

"I think you're thinking too deep into it…" Wakasasasan notes. "They're not doing much aside from being slight pests, so it's not like they're something we should focus on…"

A dusty fluffle gingerly crawls along the sand, looking for a new home.

"Friend." I crouch down and whisk it away into my magical wonderland that I call my sack.

…

This is why I keep my thoughts in my head, for the most part!

They watch me kidnap the fluffnstuff. "...Is that humane?" Wakakookookachoo questions.

"No, but it's not human." I justify. "It's tiny."

Kagerou looks interested. "Oh, are they a thing that humans eat?"

I shake my head. "They're like, living dirt. No."

I look along the lakeside, and see the sand lightly shake in places.

"They're cuddleable, though. Cuddleuddleuddleable."

Kagerou nods. "...I guess."

I move towards the sandy fluffs, the two youkai following me idly.

The fluffles see me approaching, and duck their heads under the sand.

"Wal." I state, nearing their burrows. "Waaaa~l street!"

One sticks its head out. That perpetual smile is both utterly terrifying and freakin' adorable at the same time. I grab it and pull it from its burrow

"my home" It's sad, now.

I stuff it into the sack!

…

"How many did you get so far?" Wakawhatever asks me.

"Aaahh, like, three so far." I don't count the ones back in the shrine!

…

"How many do you need?" Waka- you know what, let's just call her Waka until further notice…

"A lot." Enough to simulate an RTS game in the Hakurei Shrine's main room!

"Hold on…"

Waka dives beneath the waves of the lake, and I watch her swim away.

Kagerou watches her go. "...Oh, boy."

I think I know what's about to happen…

We wait.

…

She comes back, holding a huge, brown ball of what looks like mud.

"Woa~h…" I stare at it, stepping back.

She flops it on the shore, and it breaks down. It's not actually mud… it's a ball of soggy fluffles! They all fumble about on the shore. Some stay still and exist, while others flee immediately. They all do whatever it is they're doing with extreme weight and clumsiness, the water weighing their fluff down.

...I take the opportunity to jump into the fray, picking up heavy, wet, fluffy clumps. "You all belong to me~ now! Get, in, my, bag!"

"Waaa~l!"

Freakin' fluff nuggets!

I swing my arm, trying to grab a bunch, but I only grab a few. They're so heavy!

"...Ooo~h, I get it, now." Kagerou nods. "You can't naturally obtain common furs, so instead the human village must hunt these things!"

…

I shake my head at her. "Nope. They're just annoying."

"Sad. They clearly have usable furs..." She sighs.

I roll my eyes. "They turn back to dirt when killed or if parts are detached."

Scoop! Scoo~p!

"That's… even weirder." Kagerou stares at the fluffs curiously.

By the time the fluffle frenzy ended its productive but hectic moments, I had to have gotten up to twenty or so fluffles. "This might be enough…"

I turn to Waka. "Thanks, yo. Now I don't have to get shot at by asshole fairies!"

Kagerou grins. "Trust me, it's not just fairies that want a piece of you…"

Oh, boy. I better find some holy shit in heaven to nick to protect myself.

"Kagerou~..." Waka gives her a stern look. "Don't go scaring that human. He's weird, but in a good way."

Kagerou smirks. "I'm just having a little fun… and giving some valid advice."

I shrug. "Was gonna take it as valid advice no matter what, yo."

With that, I begin heading back to the shrine…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Alright, guys."

I refer to the ten fluffles currently congregating around the sleeping Reimu.

"This is your HQ. There are many like it, but this one is yours!" I announce.

The fluffles cheer! "Waaa~l!"

"This is your barracks." I refer to some barrels filled with dust and stuff. Two pipes, one extending from each barrel, met at a tap, and below that was a mold in the shape of a fluffle. "Use it to produce more units!"

I actually had no idea how they'd go about doing that, but y'know, saying that'll be pretty good for morale.

"And, this-" I tapped a large rubber tire I got by going back to the Kourindou and wheeling it out the back while Rinnosuke wasn't looking. "-is your garage! Make trucks with it!"

I laid it at the other side of Reimu.

I point at the dresser across the room, where a sum of twenty fluffles are going insane on it. A large dish with Deep Blue in the center sat tied to the dresser with some of Reimu's chest binding stuff.

"That is the enemy death ray!" I tell them. The fluffles all stare at it, their excitement dying down. "You must tear it down, friends… or be destroyed!"

What I mean by that is, Deep Blue will go off and get Reimu all wet, thus waking her and prompting her to kick some serious fluffle ass.

All the fluffles on the 'death ray' get excited. "Waa~l!"

I gesture to the leaves and dirt I scattered around the shrine floor… along with the rubber duckies. It's easy to clean with Deep Blue anyway, so I wasn't concerned about the aftermath too much. "These are your resources! Use them to make friends!"

"Waaa~l!"

"You have eight hours!" I yell. "Have at it!"

The war begins, and I sit atop one of Reimu's kitchen chairs as the chaos unfolds.

To distinguish the two sides, the set of fluffles with the death ray have Reimu's socks on, and the others don't.

Twenty socked ones, ten regular ones.

The socked fluffles run en masse, un-armed towards the fluffles defending Reimu.

"Waa~l!"

They got ganked by all ten fluffles.

Now the sides are equal-ish!

=== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Five regular fluffles, ten socked fluffles.

The fluffles congregate at their respective headquarters, looking amidst each other and speaking in a dialect that is completely alien to me. It's pretty much just them going 'Wal' over and over again.

"',;.';.';,';." They look back and forth between each other gingerly.

"',;.';,.';,'.;,';.!"

They begin gathering the dust I left around the room and bringing it back to the barrels. Through a tedious five-minute process, they produce one more fluffle.

"friend" The producer raises its fins.

"hug"

They hug.

The socked fluffles watch the exchange and get the same idea, and start amassing dust.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Eight regular fluffles, twelve socked fluffles.

They're currently tossing rocks at each other from long range, and some fluffles are beginning to fashion weapons from sticks and things. I dunno where the sticks came from, since I didn't bring any of those in…

Bonk!

One of the fluffles was beaned in the head, and fell over.

"',;.;',.';,.!" His friends let out fluffy wails.

The factions meet on the midground, hitting eachother with pointy sticks.

This is interesting, but a lot more boring than I thought!

...I slowly get comfy on the floor beside the kitchen chair, and let myself doze off…

…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Reimu! I've come to play, ze!"

I awaken to the yell of an ordinary mage!

Looking around haphazardly- sweet Jesus fuck.

"Waaal!"

Vroo~!

Small bombers with fluffles in them fly overhead, dropping a torrent of miniature explosions on the side of the dresser.

Fully decorated fluffles with the Hakurei banner fire tiny mortars from their wall.

Boom!

I look to Reimu, who is both still sleeping and now has a miniature fortification built around her. The kotatsu was made into a hill fort of some description, like a miniature Hakurei Shrine. Fluffles did that 'wave your hands at it to worship it' motion.

I don't even know how many fluffles there were now- it was a massive clusterfuck!

...A mini nuke flies out from behind the dresser.

The door slides open. "Rei~mu!..."

Anti-air turrets roll out on tiny wheels and begin firing at the mini-nuke.

Kablam!

Embers fly down onto the floor of the shrine.

"What the hell!?" Marisa steps back.

I stand up, and realize fluffles have clung to me, and I notice small fortifications were built around me, too. I was being used as a secondary headquarters of some description!

"Waa~l!" The fluffles on me wail, squirming about.

They're tickly.

"';,.';,.';,.!" More fluffy noises!

"Waaa~l!"

In the corner of the room, a circle was drawn on the floor. It begins glowing…

"It has all, infact, gone wrong!" I inform Marisa, trying to tear fluffles from myself.

"What happened!?" Marisa runs in, unsure where to start. The fluffles all look towards her, drawing miniature firearms and bazookas.

Boom!

Ratatatatat!

Marisa begins running as the tiny pellets strike her. "Hey! That hurts! Cut it out!"

Claa~ng, claa~ng!

Some kind of chime comes from the magical circle. Particles float from it…

Boom!

A miniature bomber is shot down mid-air.

"Help, Marisa! It's the great war!" Still too many fluffles on my person!

She runs up to me and helps me tear some fluffles off of me. She sights Reimu while doing so, and runs to her. "Reimu!"

Small trucks with rockets mounted on them wheel out from outside the shrine, and aim at Marisa.

Fwwwsh!

Blam!

They fly up to her and produce small blasts, forcing Marisa to back off.

Claaa~ng!

I look back to the magic circle, to see the shrine's floor has ripped open, and a figure is emerging…

"Hwaahh…!" Suika stretches her arms as she yawns.

"we have created the forces of nature!" A fluffle exclaims, raising its fins. "you have no chance to survive please make your time"

A small fluffle runs through the conflict and up the walls of the dresser. It reaches the top and stares at the fluffle horde.

"haha"

It is then annihilated by combined fire.

Suika scratches her cheek idly. "I wonder if Reimu has any grub…"

Stepping through the hole, she stomps through the battlefield. The Hakurei-clad fluffles unload rockets and anti-air fire on her, to little effect. If Marisa is only mildly inconvenienced by them, I don't think Suika even _feels_ them.

"fire the death ray!"

Deep Blue begins spinning.

Uh oh.

Hopefully Marisa got Reimu out of the-

…

Marisa's being overwhelmed by fluffles at the moment.

"Get the hell off me!" She's ripping limbs off of them as they swarm her, and she's forced to fire spurts of danmaku just to defend herself from being smothered.

Fwuuush!

A beam of water shoots out and perfectly catches Reimu in a gravity slanted stream of water.

…

The water settles.

Suika walks into the dresser, knocking it aside. She was clipped by the water, too, but it didn't affect her at all.

All the fluffles stop, and stare at Reimu. She begins slowly rising.

I crouch down and hide amongst the fluffle horde. "Shhh…" I tell them. "I'm one of you guys. Hide me."

The nearest fluffle headbutts me, getting dust in my mouth. Friend, no!

Yin-Yang orbs begin orbiting Reimu… and then she unleashes ragnarok.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The fluffles have all perished.

I sat apologetically in front of Reimu.

"...I assure you it was a field study." I tell her. "Of only the most scientific calibur."

"No. I've had enough of great fluffy battles for one lifetime. There was nothing sciency about that." Reimu folds her arms. "I just had this place made, too, and you already scuffed up the floor."

Marisa was nearby at the kotatsu, drinking tea. "Who made it this time, ze?"

"It was some fairies, apparently. This guy _was_ supposed to make it, but just bribed the fairies with false promises. Can you believe they wanted me to pay them in candy after that?" She huffed. "I just sent them packing and told them to find that guy."

Marisa whistles. "Musta pissed off like, every fairy around the shrine, da ze."

"Right? Those three fairies of light gathered everyone, too, so now they're kinda forced to lead the anti-random-guy party until they get their candy… or until they forget." Reimu shrugs.

"Whadda ya mean, 'that guy'?" Marisa raises an eyebrow.

"Like," Reimu raises her hands to gesturize her language!

Gesturize isn't a word, by the way. Help, no.

"He's that one guy who was falling from the sky. Yukari gave me that thing I sold that was apparently related to him…"

"How much'd you get for that, anyway?" Marisa changes the topic.

"Oh, it was worth about five thousand yen." Reimu nods. "I think it was worth it."

Marisa grins. "You didn't even know what it was, ze."

"It was shiny, and it sold for a good amount. I think I know enough." Reimu grinned back with her retort.

The door slid open, and a certain fox youkai walked in holding a large cardboard box.

I clap. "You got the duct tape!"

Reimu tilted her head. "The _what_ tape?"

Marisa grinned. "Duck tape, ze. S'fer tapin' ducks."

Ran plops the box down on the floor.

Thud.

"Here it is."

I nod. "Thanks, yo."

"Mmm."

With that, Ran leaves the shrine once more.

"...She didn't stick around long, did she?" Marisa curiously watches her depart.

I try to open the box, but it's duct taped shut itself. "Freakin'..."

I take out Swift Brand, and go to town on the top of the box.

Thunk, thunk, thunk!

I bash open the top of the box, and reach in.

Glorious, glorious rolls of duct tape…

"I… am now… a god!" I exclaim, my eyes washing over the plethora of duct tape.

Reimu watches me curiously. "Struck a deal with _her_ , did you?"

I shrug. "Kinda. More like with the foxy girl. Y'see, miss-gaps-a-lot had the brilliant idea of trying to chuck me at Mima until she stopped moving-"

"Chuck you at _who!?_ " Reimu was instantly alarmed.

Marisa facepalms. "Now you done did it, ze…"

Oh. She didn't… know Mima escaped yet, huh?

…

Shiee~ut!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"I see…" Reimu walks back inside. "The seal underneath the shrine was completely busted. What a bummer…"

Marisa smiles. "Don't worry, Reimu. We can always beat her up and stuff her back down there again!"

Reimu shakes her head. "Wouldn't the seal just go again? I mean, I'm better at those complex seals now, but still… it'd only be a matter of time before she broke out again, right?"

"We'll just kick her ass each and every time!" Marisa poses confidently. "...'Cept I dunno if she has any new tricks up her sleeve, being cooped up at all…"

"Well, obviously she does. Last time we fought, I was just getting the hang of things and we still beat her." Reimu stretched. "She's probably had a _lot_ of time to think over what she did wrong."

Y'know… "How the hell did you guys beat her so readily anyway? She seems pretty freakin' powerful."

"Very carefully." Reimu grins at me.

Pain.

"I hate ta admit it, but Reimu's holy abilities are pretty handy!" Marisa pats her friend on the back.

"...And the barriers."

Marisa nods. "Yeah, those too!"

"And the-"

"I get it, Reimu." Marisa deadpans.

Probably because Mima's a ghostly goo, all things considered. She'd not only be absurdly resistant to magic, but also very susceptible to holy things.

…

"Still, what would Yukari think you could do?" Reimu tilted her head. "No offense, but as far as Gensokyo's standards go, you're pretty much powerless."

The only thing I can efficiently fight is a couple of fairies, even with all the crap I've amassed! Here I am reading all these fics about how some guy can slow down time or speed himself up or shoot danmaku just like bing bang boom, but y'know… life ain't fair.

That's why I'm making a rocket to the afterlife, so I can steal some of their crap and take it back to even the score! Or something… it's probably not going to happen that way, though.

I shrug. "It was probably something cheesy anyway. I would very much like to _not_ fight the ancient ghost wizard if I could help it, yo."

Reimu smiles. "Good boy."

Oh, yeah, we had that incident solving rivalry thing going on. I can't really keep up with her in that department because the only way I could do it faster than her is being in the right place at the right time _all_ the time.

That, and the troublemakers had better be weak as shit, or they'd just destroy me.

There's a reason she's called a youkai exterminator, and I'm called a youkai… not... exterminator! Clearly the most prestigious occupation.

Marisa hops on her broom. "Patchy's been helping me lay down some block thingies to help find 'er! We should check with 'er to see if she's seen anything."

Reimu nods. "Sounds like a plan."

…

She turns to me. "No blowing up the shrine while I'm gone. If there's even as much as a dent on it, you're going to be the one fixing it."

I'm sure I could just bribe the fairies with false promises like the other dude.

Reimu and Marisa head for the door, and depart, leaving me to the shrine.

...I rub my hands together like a cheesy cartoon villain. "Now, how to get from over here…"

Walking outside, I point to the sky.

"...To over _there!_ "

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Outside the Hakurei Shrine, there was a man. With many rolls of duct tape wrapped around his right arm, he went to work on some boards of plywood to shape them to his vision.

That man is me.

"Freakin'... stay!" I yell at a board that jiggled around in place, the tape having a hard time holding it. I've already expended five of what I assume are like, a hundred rolls or something. There's just too many to count.

I took in the fresh air and the sights of forestry around the shrine as I worked on my plywood pod of doom. I finished the cradle by lathering it in duct tape in a very precarious manner. The top latch still needs to be started, and I need to find a way to stabilize it in the air, steer it properly, and make it not explode into force or flames, among other things.

"Hey! I found him!"

"It's that stupid guy!"

An orange-haired fairy flew out, accompanied by a sunflower fairy. I recognized the orange-haired fellow as Sunny.

"Hello, friends!" I call out to them. "I am working on-"

I jump out of the way of some sluggish bolts from the sunflower fairy.

"Fucking…" Must we always fight!?

"You're that stupid human who lied about giving us candy, aren't you!?" She propped her arms to her sides. "Well, now I'm here to get all that candy you promised us!"

I sigh.

"Cough it up, mister!" Sunny flies up to me, sticking her hand out.

I turn around, reaching into my bag. "Just one moment, sweet child…"

Sunny beams, and the sunflower fairy floats up behind her cautiously.

"Sunny-chan, are you-"

"Quiet, you! You might scare him!" Sunny bombarded her immediately. "We _need_ this candy!"

Right.

I slide Quake Bloomer from my bag slowly…

A moment is taken for me to buff myself…

"...Hurry up, stupid! If you don't hurry, we're gonna prank you!" Sunny grins. "You don't want that to-"

Whirling around, I bring Quake Bloomer across her face.

Thunk!

"Yooh…!" Sunny whirls away from the powerful blow.

"S-Sunny-cha~n!" The sunflower fairy's eyes widen.

I glare at it. "I'm going to bash your skull in, and you're not going to like it."

…

She aims her sunflower at me after we gaze at one another for a few moments. I strafe to the side as she fires a beam.

Choo~!

It misses, her being too panicked to properly aim.

"Raagh!"

I race towards her and bring it down on her head. Apparently she thought the beam would have stopped me.

Bam!

Pi~chun!

To my amazement, the single strike does away with her. Am I really that-... No, that's not it.

I'm on Hakurei grounds; the fairies are probably even weaker than they normally are, which means you could sneeze on them to take them down.

More fairies fly up the hillside.

Star's eyes widen. "S-Sunny!"

Luna doesn't react much, but is noticeably alarmed. I remember her being a lot more expressive in that one fairy incident…

I race back inside the shrine when I see they have a small battalion behind them.

Why now of all times!?

Looking around in the darkening interior of the shrine as the sun slowly begins to set, I race for the dresser in Reimu's bedroom.

I throw open the drawers, looking for something useful, but all I find is clothes. I was hoping she left some holy shit in here or something!

I hear the shrine doors get slid open, and I ready myself to do combat.

The kitchen's doors slide open.

...Reimu's door slides open.

"Do you think he up and buggered off?" Star asks someone behind her.

In walked some blue-haired fairy girl. "Probably. The whole shrine's empty, too."

They make for the futon. I stood at the side of the doorway, the fairies not even observant enough to look to their side before they're halfway into the room.

Coming up behind them, I brought Quake Bloomer down on the head of the water fairy.

Pi~chun!

"Kyaaah!"

Thunk! I swiped her with it before she could leap any further, sending her spinning into the ceiling.

She thudded against the floor.

"A-ah… Ah, hold on! Hold on!" She threw her hands in front of her.

I stomped towards her, and brought down the hanger hammer on her. She tried to block it.

Pi~chun!

Freakin' fairies.

I stomp into the kitchen, and find some fairy girls. It is at this moment that I realize Reimu only has shelves of things, and no fridge. I suppose that's to be expected of an old shrine… even if this one was built in like, an evening.

"It's him!"

"That guy! That guy!"

"It's the pervert…!"

I see that one water fairy that hates me, a sunflower fairy I _probably_ encountered before, and some brown-haired fairy.

I slide the door shut as danmaku pelts it. After it stops, I wait a moment, then slide it open again.

The brown-haired fairy freezes, having gone to open the door itself.

Jabbing Quake Bloomer into her gut, I continue charging forward until I hit her against the edge of the kitchen table.

Pi~chun!

The kitchen table was pushed across the room.

Bubbles flew at me, but I tanked-

SplashSplashSplashSplash!

I'm thrown back into Reimu's room, landing on my back.

I _tried_ tanking the bubbles.

"Hah…" Groaning, I get up, readying myself again.

I throw myself to the side, in the event anything bad happens to be coming my way.

Choo~!

A laser hits the wall behind me. I wasn't wrong!

The water fairy floats in again- Wet-chan or whatever the hell her name was.

I run and strafe inward to avoid the bubbles. She dashes into the main floor of Reimu's room, while I close in on the sunflower fairy who was expecting me to continue on her friend instead. She aims the sunflower at me-

Thunk!

Choo~!

It hits the ceiling after I struck her and threw her aim way off. I jab-

Pi~chun!

Bubbles float into me from behind.

SplashSplash!

I'm lightly pinned against the wall by the force, until it stops and I unsteadily walk along the floor again.

"I'll ruin you…" I ominously groan out, readying myself for more bubbles.

"You ruined my shoes!" She reminds me.

I weave through the thin waves of bubbles, nearing her. She dodges away to a different edge of the room.

This process repeats itself until she traps herself in a corner, the entire room pretty soaked.

"Get away! Get away! I don't wanna do this any-"

Clang!

"Mooh…"

Thud.

I tower over the unconscious fairy.

Pi~chun!

I've had enough of their freakin' fairy bullshit.

I return to the liberated kitchen. I open one of Reimu's drawers, and draw… I draw a fork.

Too lazy to look for knives, must use fork instead!

Sliding open the a door, I see the main room before me. Luna is sitting at the kotatsu with another brown-haired fairy, a grey-haired fairy, and a purple-haired fairy.

Luna points at me. "E-enemy…"

The brown fairy readies a dual-handed warhammer fit for her size. Oh, it's on now… "I'll break 'em good, Luna-chan!"

The grey-haired fairy clad in white dress robes floats up. "My, my… A land walker, and a human at that. I wonder how boring this human will be…"

The purple-haired fairy flies up from the kotatsu and lands on the ceiling.

Thud.

"...I meant to do that!" She sticks her thumb up- or down, rather- from the ceiling.

Time to be intimidating!

"Morning will never rise again." I lift my hanger hammer over my shoulder, and draw a line across my neck with my thumb.

The fairies stare at me curiously. The brown-haired and brown-clad fairy stomps on the floor.

Crack!

I'm thrown off balance by a spike of earth that juts up from the floor. Running against the floor to regain my balance, the grey-haired fairy takes to the skies.

"Float."

I begin floating, a strange mist beginning to engulf my clothes. Freakin'...

I end up floating to the ceiling, awkwardly using my hand to stop myself.

"Here!"

A dark orb materializes over me, a spell casted by the purple fairy.

It engulfs me and fades, and I'm pulled to the floor weakly. Like this, I'm suspended in mid-air.

"Fine showing, fine showing, ladies…" The grey fairy nods, satisfied.

Luna looks relaxed.

I drop Quake Bloomer, and reach for my sack.

"Hahaha! Stu~pid human, all caught up in the air! Hey, how's the weather up there!? Hahahaha~!" The brown fairy points at me and laughs.

I take out Flame Salvo. "I dare one of you to get close to me! Like you, granny!" I point at the grey-haired fairy.

"...Childish." She hovers closer, but stays out of melee range. "You do realize we can do anything we want to you like this, right?"

I aim Flame Salvo at her.

Fwoom~!

"A-ah!"

She twirls away, now on fire. The mist on me dissipates.

"The fuck!?" I assume the brown one is earth elemental or something.

Hastily, I pocket Flame Salvo, and get slammed into the floor.

Bam!

Oof…

She steps over me, and I see her hold up the warhammer.

"How's this!?"

She goes for my head, but I just move my head. She brushes the edge of my poofy ass hair instead, and I make my head drop as if going limp.

Bam!

"Hahaha~! Another human down!"

She lifts her hammer, and the grey-haired fairy looks over to her in slight panic despite extinguishing her flames. "Humans bleed, Terra! Humans bleed!"

"Yeah, they do!" She smiles.

I feel the gravity spell losing its potency, and once most of it is gone, I slide myself across the floor to grab Quake Bloomer.

"Oh, shit!" Terra-chan jumps as if she's seen a ghost. "It's fuckin' _alive!_ "

She runs up to me in a flustered manner, trying to use her hammer like flyswatter, and I knock it away with mine.

Clang!

It bangs off the wall.

I clip Terra-chan's head with my hanger.

Thunk!

"Guh…"

She drops to the floor, and I perform as great of a jump as I am able to stomp on her neck.

Pi~chun!

Luna looks fucking _terrified_. "N-no…"

I assume the grey fairy is wind elemental or something. "You barbarian! Must you needlessly slaughter those who are not of your own kin!?"

I glare at her. "Must your kind be needlessly retarded?"

She grins. "Hah. Coming from a brute such as yourself, that should be a compliment." She brushes her long hair aside cheekily.

How annoying.

I begin floating to the ceiling again. Nearing it, I focus on the purple fairy, when I abruptly go deaf. Nothing but ringing is heard!

...The hell happened!?

I look over to Luna, who was gazing at me more intently.

...Fucking sound elemental. Shit, man.

The purple fairy says something I can't hear, and then I'm forced to the floor again. I try to do Link's down-aerial from Smash, which is a 'sword in stone' sort of posture, except in the air… and with a plant hanger!

I stab the hanger into the floor, cracking it. My legs ache from the force of the new gravity being exerted on me.

The green magical circle of Gaia Seed appears around the wind fairy.

She looks confused, and asks something aloud. I can't hear it, though.

Fwooo~...

I figured Luna's not worth debuffing and the purple fairy was too energetic to really take down.

I then realized how fun it'd be to use an earth spell on a wind elemental foe.

She's thrown to the ground violently.

Pi~chun!

It killed her!? Jesus!

Now I feel su~per heavy from the gravity spell… but my hearing is coming back.

The purple fairy is upset. "W-what's happening? Terra-chan, Column-chan, where are you guys?"

Excuse me… _Column-chan_?

An~d back to the ringing. Luna looks pissed now. She says something, but I can't freakin hear it 'cause she turned my hearing off!

The other fairy looks cheered up, but the gravity spell on me begins to slowly dissipate. I don't let it show, though…

The gravity fairy skips over to me, and tries to casually kick me in the face. I move my head away from the kick.

"...!" She makes a muffled noise I can't discern. Freakin' Luna.

She tries to kick me again, and only managed to clip my face lightly. She readies for a third kick, but I roll out of the way and sit up instead.

"No, get owned!" I shout. I can still hear myself!

I stand and move away sluggishly.

She aims her hand at me, staring me down determinedly. She exclaims her spell once more, but I run at her as she does so.

I jab her as the spell takes effect, forcing me to the floor again.

She crumples to the floor in front of me. I crawl towards her…

...but Luna's shoes clack next to my head with volume.

I preen my head to look at her, and she's staring down stoically.

"This is for my friends."

I bring my hand up to shield my face from the impending stomp, and wind up mildly successful. My hand fucking _hurts_ , though…

She didn't expect my hand to be there, and was slightly disoriented. She flies into the air to regain her balance, and readies herself to stomp me again.

Now for the other hand!

…

Fu~ck me. Stupid fairies.

By now the gravity has worn off, so this time I scrambled away with my sore hands to avoid another stomp attempt.

The ringing intensifies as I move to the door to the back yard. Luna floats behind me a cautious distance as I latch onto Quake Bloomer and slide the door open.

Fairies of various colors await me outside. Holy fuck.

I run along the outside as red and yellow danmaku particles slam against the back of the shrine. I round the corner to see Sunny getting her head looked at by Daiyousei, it seems.

They were talking, but Luna had to be a spoil sport and give me like nine turns of _being deaf_.

Daiyousei looks up at me curiously as I stomp closer.

She asks me something I can't hear.

I lift the hanger hammer, and her eyes widen.

I bring it down on Sunny's head- and she's not even looking in my direction.

Pi~chun!

Daiyousei scrambles back from the blast of mana.

Luna is behind me, creating spheres of yellow danmaku- Holy fuck! Big ass spheres and rings of yellow danmaku and shit! Like, it's actually a non-spell and not just some piddly bullets like the rest of the fairies!

I round the corner to the front yard of the shrine, where more earth fairies stood at the door, idly chatting.

But I couldn't hear them.

I ran up to one and smashed its skull it.

Pi~chun!

The other one leaped back, dropping an oversized steel shield. I leaped onto the porch of the shrine, ran over it, then leaped off it, making sure my hanger connected with her head when I landed.

Pi~chun!

Luna came around the corner, a wall of yellow danmaku moving towards me.

Now it was time for me to thank Reimu for installing door palooza.

...Actually, didn't the fairies make this? Talk about screwing yourself over!

I ran inside, and closed the door. I was in the kitchen again.

There was a red-haired fairy who entered, likely to try and cut me off.

I could actually hear her! I guess Luna cut back on the muting when she started firing danmaku. "A-ah! I got you!"

A stream of red danmaku shoots outward towards me, but I weave through some of it. I tank the rest, feeling the burning pellets mare my energy and motivation as I clothesline her with the hanger.

Cla~ng!

She fell to the floor, and I readied a kick…

Pi~chun!

I progressed to the main room again. The kotatsu was shivering, for some reason.

"W-we need her…" The gravity fairy told some sunflower fairy who was kneeling over her. Other fairies were staring down at her crumpled form. "P-please… M-my friends…"

"We'll get her for you!" The fairies cheered. A few flew out the front door, but a few stopped and noticed me.

"I-it's him!"

They aim at me.

"N-no!" Gravity fairy looks terrified. The fairy kneeling over her does, too.

ChooChooChoo~!

I run forward, the lasers missing me. I reel my hanger hammer back, and get a clean blow to the fairy's shielding forearms.

Thunk!

An unhealthy thunk resounds as she's thrown back. I sweep it into her head-

Pi~chun!

Now, for the other twats…

ChooChooChoo~!

I run inbetween two lasers, and manage to whack one.

Bonk!

"Aaugh!"

I slide the flower-adorned shaft into the stomach of another.

"Uugh!"

Choo~!

The laser misses me and hits her friend.

Pi~chun!

I bring the hammer down on the other friend.

Pi~chun!

While she aims at me, I go for the gravity fairy.

Pi~chun!

Choo~!

It blows away the top of the shivering kotatsu, revealing Daiyousei crouched under it.

"Kyaaa~h!" She flails her limbs, and makes for the door. I let her go.

I glare down the sunflower fairy.

"I won't forgive you for what you did to Up-chan!"

 _Up-chan_.

In any case, I slowly step towards her. "I never asked for forgiveness."

I was too caught up in stepping towards her to notice she was preparing another blast.

Choo~!

 _Fuuu~ck_!

I dodge wa~y too late, already feeling the immensely painful effects of a direct laser blast to my torso.

"Aaah…" I moan out, stumbling around.

Daaa~mn…

She grins incredulously. "I-...I did it… I did it! I stopped the mean man! Yaa~y!"

I step towards her. "You got me. I surrender."

She smiles. "Good!" Floating up to me, she grabs me by the hair. "Now, come with me! I'm gonna make you take us to the candy stash!"

"Hold on. I got… a map… for you." Bullshitting is hard right now…

She beams. "Ooh, even better!" She jerks my head towards hers by yanking on my hair. "Where is it?"

"...My shoes."

She lets go of my head, and floats in front of me. She tries to push me over, but I weakly bring my hanger hammer across her face.

"Aaaa~h!" She squeals.

I use my mana to buff myself again, the last one actually fucking running out due to how long this battle has been.

I jab it into her head, and she falls over.

'A-oh…" She weakly groans, flopping on the floor.

I kick her.

Pi~chun!

This room is mine again…

I run into the kitchen. I hear a door slide open in the main room.

I tear through the upper shelves until I see what looks like a wrapped good.

"...Good enough." I grunt, ripping it open. Inside was some bread!

I scarf down a bite.

…

I wish I had fucking healing potions right now. Jesus. This bread's doing nothing! If only I could heal really fast by eating crap!

I toss it onto the counter. I see Luna in the main room.

She floats in and I move to the kitchen table. Danmaku whirls through the air as I flip the table over with a hanger strike and hide behind it. I go deaf again.

"Muting my hearing won't help!" I shout.

I ready myself.

Luna floats over the counter, and I swing the hammer in an arching motion that collides with her stomach.

"...!" Luna's eyes widen in sudden terror.

She thuds against the floor on the other side. I walk around the kitchen table, and look down at her.

"..." She says something, but I can't hear it.

I raise my hanger, and she raises a hand.

I bring the hanger down.

She fires a burst of danmaku.

Pi~chun!

The pain overwhelms my senses, sending me reeling to the floor…

Holy shit, fairies…

are strong…

…

…

Uhh…

I'm still awake, apparently. My mana's not too hot, and I'm in a world of hurt, but I'm not out of the fight yet!

…

Alright, I might be out of the fight. I can still look around, though!

What a ceiling, yo. Look at that freakin' kitchen table. Looks like it was made at a fookin' second-hand goods store.

…

Alright, Brad, baby steps…

I let go of Quake Bloomer and reach up onto the counter. I can't pull myself up, though…

Wait.

I make some blocks with my tiny mana reserves.

I make more blocks.

I try to generate them under myself to get up to the counter, but eventually I just displace those under me and end up with a floor of blocks.

Some way or another, I'm getting to that sodding counter!

…

Actually, I've nearly hit the self-imposed word count limit for this chapter. Help, no.

A gap opens up over me, and more water pours out onto me.

I'll be honest, that wasn't unwelcomed that time. I'm perfectly fine with some refreshments!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 28

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed.

INVENTORY:

Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. Has a very situational instant-death dealing condition that, let's be honest, I probably couldn't fulfil; it's just there for world building. Help no.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives that I mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out...

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

let the fairy warfare commence!

yeah technically 33 chapters in (or 28 as far as im concerned) and im still fighting fairies, and i'm totally okay with that because im SLOWLY BUT STEADILY making my way up in the world, yo

i will have a boss to fight, but i'll be ready for it, don't you worry, yo

okay maybe worry

as always, see you all next time!


	34. Airspace Violation

(in which we defend a shrine from being placed under a TACK)

There we are, fresh chapter!...

…

I'm still lying on the floor uselessly, by the way. Go look at someone else's perspective or something, because I don't think I'll get anything interesting done for awhile!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: SANAE KOCHIYA'S PERSPECTIVE ====

"Aahh…"

I lied down in bed after a long night of online gaming...

I'll never understand how some of Gensokyo's residents use futons. Western beds are the best…

…

…

...

==== FREAKIN GENOSKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

I mean switch to the perspective of someone actually relevant! Like- freakin'... Patchy! Switch to Patchy's! She's gotta be doing something magicy at the moment!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: PATCHOULI KNOWLEDGE'S PERSPECTIVE ====

A crystal orb sat on the dining room table at the Scarlet Devil Mansion, being observed by Remi, Sakuya, and me. The scrying blocks left in Brad's hammerspace pouch allowed us to observe what was currently happening.

For whatever reason, he appeared to be on a fairy-killing mania inside the Hakurei Shrine.

"...That was abrupt." I didn't expect things to get violent that quickly. It seems like fairies simply raided the shrine. I wasn't paying attention to whenever Reimu left, so I have no idea how the situation escalated so.

Remi sipped her wine. "He seems like he's done for now, though, if there are any left. He doesn't seem to even be able to move much."

He was lying against the edge of the kitchen counter and the floor, appearing to be shouting at some invisible presence. He's probably gone insane… or has _been_ insane.

…

Remi looked to the door. "...Sakuya, could you escort our guests here?"

"As you wish, Mistress."

Sakuya disappears.

We continue staring at the orb.

"...Are you not going to do anything?" Remi asks me.

Hmm. "What could I do?"

"I dunno. Try healing him from here?"

I roll my eyes. "Remi, scrying doesn't work like that."

"Teleportation?" Remi jests again.

"I'm not teleporting there to get thrown into a fairy skirmish." Far, far too inconvenient. I'd have to waste time flying back in the dead of night, too.

"...So it's possible?" Remi grins, looking away.

"...Theoretically." I'm not teleporting valuable mansion guards on a whim. Especially not after I heard that one outsider apparently breached our walls all the way to the harvesting and brewing facility without being detected. By the time he was, he had already reached the brewery of all places.

The door swings open, Sakuya walking in with Reimu and Marisa.

"What is up, my mage!?" Marisa smiles as she shouts to Patchouli. She waltzes up to the table. "How you doin', ze?"

Honestly… "I'd be better if you didn't shout like a fool."

Marisa giggles. "I'm just being boisterous!"

Indeed.

Reimu walks up to us. "I heard you knew something about Mima."

So that's what this is about… "Unfortunately, we've not seen her. If we did, you would have been contacted."

Reimu sighed. "Seriously?... Alright, any leads at all?"

"No." No means no, Hakurei.

…

"Well, this was a waste of time." Reimu looks annoyed.

Remi glares at her. "You come here in the dead of night and say that?"

"You act as if that's not the preferred time." Reimu folds her arms. "I'm sure your gate guard would deny me access, were it day. Not that it would matter anyway."

The implication is clear.

Remi grits her teeth. I still don't know how she does that with fangs. "You could at the very least be respectful of your host."

Reimu rolls her eyes. "I didn't come to visit, I just came to get information."

"Then leave. We do not have information for you." Remi decrees.

…

Reimu takes it as a challenge. "Maybe you do."

"What?"

"I said you might."

Remi grins. "...I don't think you realize what Patchy- Patchouli, I mean… what Patchouli said was the fact of the matter."

Good job, Remi. Calling me by my nickname while trying to intimidate guests.

Reimu floats into the air. "Five cards each."

…

Remi sighed, but I could tell she was amused. "Very well. Today, I shall taste victory, Hakurei."

They leave.

…

"So, whatcha seein'?" Marisa leans over me to look at the orb.

"Brad fighting the fairy horde at the shrine." It makes for good meal entertainment. Well, while it lasted, anyway.

"Huh?"

…

"Wait…" Marisa stared at the orb closer. "..."

She seems surprised.

"I was just there, too!" Marisa becomes irritated. "I would've loved to fend off a fairy horde! This blows, ze…"

She would.

Marisa turns to me. "Hey, Patchy, don't you have that teleportation spell you've been cookin' up?"

Why must everyone bring that up? "Distance depends on the object, I'll have you know. The farthest something humanoid can be teleported is to the lake or so. In short, no, I cannot teleport you to the shrine just to let you fight fairies on a whim."

I'm lying. I don't know exactly how far I can teleport things or people, but with proper preparation mana is a non-issue. The only time mana is brought into question is if preparation is not practiced. To instantaneously teleport objects or people on a whim probably would deplete my mana something fierce.

I was a large part in getting this manor to Gensokyo, I'd like to mention.

Marisa pouts at me.

…

She holds the pout. Is she expecting that to make a difference?

"...Even if that worked, it wouldn't change the facts."

"You're no fun…" Marisa folds her arms. "How about like, a brick or something?"

A brick.

…

"Well… I could. Something of that size would require far less mana to transport, thus it wouldn't reach a limit as quickly. I'm not about to waste all my mana finding that limit, though." I'm quite thankful that Marisa knows next to nothing on teleportation magic. It would likely be the end of my library if she found out how to whisk entire shelves away with proper planning.

Marisa takes a purple potion from her hat, placing it down on the dining table before me.

"Looks like he'll be needin' this… and it looks like you're about to find out whether or not you can transport small objects as far as the shrine!"

Typical. "What makes you think I will?"

"Well, why not?" Marisa shrugs with a grin.

"Why should I?" I really shouldn't.

"Why not?"

Oh, no. "Why."

"Why not?"

"Why."

"Why not?"

…

"Just do it, Patchy. I'll lend you a mana potion if it conks you out!"

Please, don't. Mana potions have a tendency of rendering me out of commission for multiple days.

…

"Alright…" I don't even know why I'm agreeing. Maybe she'll stop pondering teleportation if I do...

"Yeaa~h!" Marisa cheers. "I knew it! You're not a total killjoy, Patchy!"

"Be quiet. I'm focusing." Nosey human mage. I know I'm a hypocrite when it comes to being nosey, but I'd like to think I can allow myself such liberties. I'm responsible.

"Wooo~!"

Now to try and make the setup steps discreet…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

After much stacking with blocks, I find out that Reimu's sink does not have plumbing. It's just a drainable hole in the counter, basically; the drain has a plug in it.

"What the fuck…" Stupid fairy construction workers.

I slide off the block mountain and onto the floor.

"Shit."

Today is no longer good day…

I feel something brush my back. The clacking of a glass bottle rolling into the floor is heard.

Looking to the source, I find it to be a purple potion of some description. It was a round bottle with a thin top.

I grasp it. Dubious substance appears out of nowhere! Time to take a swig. "Better be a fuckin' elixir or something…"

Common sense kinda dies when you feel like complete shit.

Uncorking the bottle, I chug the purple potion.

Gulp…-

Gahk! It tastes like fucking perfume! Aaagh…

...Gulp… Gulp…

I stop with a quarter of the stuff left, making numerous faces of terror.

"Ho-holy shit…" Essentially what it tasted like!

…

I get on my knees, and rise to a standing position.

"Damn, that stuff works, at least. What a bloody macguffin…" Seriously, yo. Why the hell did Reimu just have an elixir in the rafters? Wait, if the fairies made the house… I don't even fucking know. For all I know they stuffed an entire arsenal of plant hangers in one of the walls.

…

I take Swift Brand and smash into one of Reimu's paper-thin walls, only to find the other room on the other side.

Shieut.

...I hear the pattering of danmaku against the entire shrine.

"Friends." I take out the elixir and consider whether or not it'd be worth chugging the rest…

"Eye'm the strongest!" I hear the voice of destruction in the distance.

I chug the rest of the elixir.

Feeling my fatigue fade and my mana regenerate, I can only help but wonder how many organs I'd have to expel in a few days time.

...I near the door. It's boss fight time, yo!

"Freakin'..." I equip Flame Salvo. Cirno's about to get vaporized, son.

The thunks and thwacks against the shrine's side intensify as Cirno nears.

Then they stop.

…

Crunch!

A large blade of ice pieres one of the shrine's walls.

"Yeaaa~h!"

…

It retracts, and Cirno floats in. "Where's the bad guy? Lemme at 'em, eye'm the strongest!"

I walk towards her in an aggressive manner.

She notices me. "...Oh, hey, it's you! Did they send you to stop the guy too?"

They didn't tell her who to shoot!?

I nod. "Yeah. Uhh…" Who do I declare the sidekick? Her, or myself?

"You can be my sidekick!" She declares for me.

I shake my head. "No, no, no. _You_ can be _my_ sidekick."

Snowflakes whirl around Cirno. "Eye'll show you why you're supposed to be the sidekick!"

Guess I'm getting that boss anyway…

I aim Flame Salvo at her.

Fwoo~m!

Cirno dodges to the side of the stream of flames, and it hits part of the shrine's roof.

"Shit, put that out! Cirno, do hero things!" I exclaim as the roof begins burning.

Cirno smirks. "Hah! That won't work on me!"

"Seriously, Reimu will destroy you for forever and ever and ever!" Please, you fairy son of a bitch!

She lowers an eyelid and sticks out her tongue. "I'd like to see her try!"

Graah!

I'm forced to pocket Flame Salvo and take out Deep Blue, which is probably the least useful hanger for this situation's combat.

Hastily, I turn the valve, releasing the water.

Fwuuuush!

It splashes around, and I near the fire with it. Double jumping into the air, I put it right near the fire…

Fwuuuush!

It actually worked, for the most part!

Cirno shot a barrage of icicles to finish the rest of the fire. It was actually intended to strike me, but fortunate collateral is fortunate.

"Hey! Don't try to get cheap hits in!" Cirno protests my acrobatics, thinking I was trying to attack her.

The irony is that this thing's water elemental, so she could probably freeze the shit out of me now since I'm all wet again.

I keep running around the room, desperately trying to turn the valve back while being assaulted from behind by a steady stream of icicles.

"Stand still already!"

Freakin'...

After finally sealing the faucet, I toss Deep Blue aside, and take Flame Salvo back out. This time, I should just go for melee hits, or something.

Clattering was heard as Cirno kept shooting her machine gun style streams at me.

She wisened up eventually, to my dismay.

"Hail Sign! Hailstorm!"

An~d she didn't use Icicle Fall either. The gods are not with me today!

I run for the door out of the shrine with haste, my back getting pelted with biting cold pangs produced by the ice danmaku that struck my spine.

"Eheheh…" I anxiously giggle to myself, partly on reflex because _holy shit that's cold_.

Getting outside, I slide the door shut.

Holy ice fairies, Batman.

...The door thunks violently from the hailstorm on the other side.

I position myself next to the door!

The violence gets louder…

"C'mon…"

The door start breaking down, some particles breaking through. The same could be said for the walls.

I wince as a few hit me…

"Come on…!"

…

Bam!

"You can run, but you can't-"

I swing Flame Salvo into her stomach, eating a face full of ice as I did so.

"Oof…"

Flames run up Cirno's clothing.

"A-aah~! Fire, fire! Hot, hot, hot!" Cirno runs around, flailing her limbs.

I stumble around, before half-assedly making my way back inside, dropping to a crawl. I crawl to the remains of the kotatsu, and wrap the blanket bit around myself, since the top of it was gone.

"Hah!" Cirno floats back inside extinguished. "Eye've put… myself… out?"

I wave at her. "Nap time, friend. Sleepy sleeps."

She blinks. "...Oh. Sorry. Eye'll come back later, then. Hope you sleep well, mister!"

See, fairies get it. Nap time is _not_ to be trifled with.

...I am kinda pissed I downed an entire elixir and still got my ass handed to me by a spell card, but I'm just too tired to give a crap right now.

All I can hope now… is that no more freakin' noobs come to assault me in the night. Tomorrow I'll get to work on the rocket thingamajig…

…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I'm awakened to violent shoving!

"What the hell happened here!?"

Looking around in alarm, I realize Reimu's the one brutalizing me in my sleep. "A-ah!?"

"Why is the ceiling burnt? Why are there holes in the walls!?" Reimu glares at me furiously.

"W-what? Huh?" Mornings are not kind, friend…

"Answer me!" Reimu lifts me and pushes me to the floor again, and I land on the soft kotatsu blankets.

I stick my arms up to defend myself from the next assault. "H-hey, easy now!"

Marisa is heard laughing nearby. "Hahaha~!"

Reimu flails her gohei at me wildly, thwacking it against my arms. "Yo, yo, yo…!"

She relents eventually, though. "...Look, clean it up."

Son. "The fairies-"

"Clean. It. Up." Reimu holds her gohei at my throat, as if it were a sword. "I don't care. Someone has to fix this."

Freakin'... "Just get the fairies-"

"They're too riled up right now." Reimu states. "You do it."

Marisa was grinning at me from the sidelines.

I stre~tch! "Alright, yo, alright…"

I stand, and get ready to go access the outside duct tape. Reimu grabs me by the back of my hillbilly-whatchamacallit… Suspenders? I forget.

"Where are you going?" She narrows her eyes.

"Grabbing the duct tape, friend."

She nods. "...I'll watch you do it."

Sure, friend.

I get outside, and-

It's freakin' cold!

"Sweet Jesus, fuck." I hug myself. "Freakin' freezing!"

It was overcast, looking like it could snow any moment, actually.

...Reimu watches me from the door, sliding it nearly shut to keep the heat in the shrine. "Hurry up out there."

"Nah, I'm just gonna stand out here and freeze." Freakin'...

Moving to the box full of duct tape, I take out about five rolls and scurry back to the door. Reimu looks reluctant to let me in, so I open the door for her and quickly slide in, shutting it behind myself in an attempt at a fluid motion.

Reimu folds her arms. "...So what're those rolls of cloth going to do?"

Marisa is still grinning. "He's gonna tape some ducks with it, ze!"

You've yet to experience the miracles of duct tape!

With the iconic tear of adhesive, I struggle to separate a piece from the roll.

"...I don't think cloth works like-"

Rip!

"...that." Reimu facepalms, while Marisa giggles.

I take the tape, and place it over one of the holes I struck in the wall earlier. It sticks in place!

Reimu stares curiously as I rip another piece of duct tape from the roll and continue patching up the hole…

Before long, the patching is finished.

"There ya go, friend. An unsightly, grey patch." I nod, satisfied.

"...I guess it works." Reimu sighed. "...You'll have to give me some of that magic cloth, though. That seems pretty handy."

I nod, and drop the five rolls on the floor. "Didn't need 'em anyway! I still have a whole box to build with!"

...She scratched her cheek idly. "What were you building again?"

"A rocket to the sun. I'm trying to put it out, friend."

"...Okay." Shaking her head, Reimu looks down at the kotatsu top and blanket, both separated. She moves to put it back together, and after having some difficulty, reaches for the duct tape I left her.

She examines it, and after rotating it a bit, tries to peel the duct tape from the roll. Her nails scrape at the roll for a few moments, but she eventually peels enough to grab onto, severing the adhesive from the inner surface.

She tries to rip it, and somehow does it with ease. ...How!?

Rip!

...She places the piece so that it connects the kotatsu blanket and the tabletop bit, and smiles at her work.

Marisa raises a brow at it. "Huh…"

I go outside into the brisk air, ready to get to work on the rocket base again. Thankfully it wasn't damaged in the great siege of the Hakurei Shrine, by some miracle.

Reaching into the box for more duct tape, I ready myself to get down to business.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"It's getting there…" I tell myself.

I was starting to fashion some kind of system to hold the hangers I was gonna attach at the bottom. I still dunno how I'm gonna keep the thing stable in the air, but y'know…

The door into it is basically a flap on the top that I can seal shut with some tape and things on the inside.

Now…

I flip it onto its side and examine the bottom. I'm pretty sure straps made from duct tape can't properly handle much more than the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber itself. I might need a metal pad on the bottom or something…

"See ya later, Reimu!"

Marisa slides the door shut, then turns to me.

"...I see you've been busy, ze.."

I wave to her. "Box, friend."

She walks over, examining it.

"...This the rocket you talkin' about?"

I nod.

"It sucks."

Marisa, please.

"How you plannin' to make it go up?"

"Boobs." I answer.

Marisa snorts.

"...By that, I mean bombs."

"It'll blow up."

You'd be surprised when it's whacky cartoon explosion physics, but y'know… she's not wrong.

"I need a freakin' metal plate to stop fire and stuff from happening." I tell her.

"You might need a bit more than that, ze…" She stares at it skeptically.

Su~re. "How do metal plate do?"

She shrugs. "I dunno. Ask Patchy, she can do metal things."

...She's not wrong, is she? Patchouli _did_ know some metal spells and things…!

...But, y'know, she's uh, pretty far away.

"...You expect me to go ask her?" I tilt my head.

"Yeah. Actually, you could probably ask her from here if she's payin' attention at the moment, ze."

...Say what now?

Marisa blinks. "...Wait, do you… Oh, shit, ze."

Wa~t.

"...Patchy's been spyin' on you." Marisa admits. "Eheh… She's probably not gonna be happy I letcha find out."

I am happy, though! Maybe this means I'm that much closer to obtaining my dream waifu!... or uh, that much farther...

Anyway…!

I look around. "Patchy! Can you hear me!?"

…

Marisa shrugs. "Can't help ya from here. See ya!"

She takes off on her broom.

Hmmm… "Patchy! Yo ho ho!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: PATCHOULI KNOWLEDGE'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Nothing like a cup of tea to give one's self that important mid-day boost, as they say.

...There's that feeling of forgetting something again.

I sit at my desk. So much time was wasted trying to reason with that insufferable Marisa... I really should get to studying right away.

Time to resume those studies on pentacasting...

Opening the tome, I give the crystal ball a quick glance.

…

I also realize what was forgotten.

It was the crystal ball itself.

How troublesome.

…

Closing my tome, I sigh. I suppose I should go get that. It should still be in the dining room.

Raising from my chair, I float into the air. I hope the orb's not in some fairy's lair. The inconvenience caused would be without compare.

...Sometimes I amuse myself.

Koakuma floats up next to me as I progress out of the library.

"What's the occasion?"

"Nothing of your concern." She needn't know of any opportunities for spying, be it on the outsider or otherwise. She has proved herself troublesome on numerous occasions with intel-related endeavors.

"Awwh, that must mean you just don't want me to know!"

As such, you should stand down. Simple.

"Don't worry, Patchouli-sama. I've got ways of finding out…"

"If you show signs of knowing, you will be treated with explosives." I can do it nonlethally, if need be. "Leave me be. This is an order."

Koakuma sighs. "What a drag…"

With that, she floats back down beneath the shelves. Annoying succubus. Why could she not have been a shy and timid servant? Though, I suppose it'd be unfitting for a succubus…

Exiting the library, I find myself at the dining room halls in moments.

Swinging it open, I see the crystal ball is still on the table.

However, it doesn't stay that way for long.

"Oooh~!"

Hana, the annoying cyan-haired fairy maid, grabs it. "Brad-kun! Hello, Brad-kun!"

"He can't hear you." I tell her.

"...Awwh…" She's crestfallen. "...Well, can you make him hear me?"

Probably not. Scrying doesn't work like that.

"No."

She shakes her head, "Well… okay." and then pockets the orb.

Great.

"...Fairy maid. I need that orb." I float towards her.

She instantly looks defensive. "Why?"

"It is an order."

"Why?"

Frustration rising. "It is needed to scry on behalf of the manor. To withhold such info is to endanger the entire manor. Give it back, or face punishment." No other way than to be harsh, I suppose.

She clamps a hand to her pocket protectively. "Whatever you said, it's not! It's a moving picture thingy of Brad-kun!"

Even when he's not here, his existence is both bothersome and chaotic. Such is a statement he's fulfilled time and time again.

I suppose I'll just have to take it back by force.

She seems to be electric elemental. Troublesome element, but most of the fairy maids in this manner have very little proficiency in their respective elements, it seems. I'm not entirely certain why that is, but it keeps the place from getting blown away by the creative and destructive forces of nature, so I'm not keen to complain in this situation.

Earth spells seem to be the go-to in this situation. I can't afford any rampant manipulation of stone in this room, since it'd probably scuff up the dining table and then some, so I'll just have to make due with the more curious of the Earth-elemental spells.

"Rest, now."

I cast Gaia Seed. Should be enough to quell a fairy.

Fwoooo...

The magical circle generates around Hana, and she's promptly thrown to the ground, rendered immobile, and unconscious.

As expected.

I float over to her…

"H-hah!"

She's not unconscious, apparently.

Backing away from me, she crawls back towards the door.

She is not getting away. I've had enough of this nonsense.

"Cease."

Holding up my hand, I push at the air, generating a small magic circle.

Gaia Blossom.

A larger magical circle forms around Hana. It expands slightly, then flourishes in a blast of raw Earth power.

Fwooosh!

Pi~chun!

…

In my defense, I didn't expect it to be _that_ potent.

The crystal ball lays on the floor. Picking it up, I see…

Brad on the floor of the Hakurei Shrine, with a piece of plywood lying next to him. A message was carved into it...

...that Brad has written, in English. It read…

Something. That handwriting is truly quite illegible…

…

Alright. It goes similarly to…

"PaTChy,

PleaSe MaKe Me a 4 fOOT by 4 fOOT MeTal PlaTe

Pls

~ Brad" …

The last name is completely illegible. It looks like he went back to fix it but gave up.

Apparently he's learned that I've been scrying on him. Furthermore, he doesn't seem particularly worried, which shows that he's at least self-aware that everything he's doing is frankly very inconsequential and unimportant, and above that, none of my concern.

It's marginally entertaining if I'm bored sometimes, however. Someone needs to invent a device like this for plays. Now _that_ would be something…

Well, that 'laptop' as they call it is somewhat like that, but the 'internet' aspect doesn't seem to do much at the moment.

I still don't know what a Google is, for one thing, or how to use it. Maybe that's what they call the internet on the outside? Curious…

I see Reimu come up to Brad and lightly kick him in the side. He flails his limbs around.

That metal plate can come his way, I suppose. I don't know how thick he wants it, so I'll just give him a random size and see if he's amused or not.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

"Reimu, please, just for the afternoon! Until Patchy gets me my metal plate!"

The miko glares down at me. "No. You _existing_ here is enough to raise this shrine's insurance."

Wait… "...You get insurance out here?"

She shakes her head. "Well, no- but that's not the point!"

Daw. I was wondering if fairies could insure their trees or something… Maybe Yuuka could start a business tycoon, then.

I move to get up-

Oof!

Thud.

Reimu stares down at me, shaking her head. "See? Bad stuff just happens around you."

I look across myself, and see a large, diamond-plated metal sheet on me.

"She got the message!" I grin. "Yo ho ho!"

I give outer space a thumbs-up, and lift the metal sheet clumsily, standing at the same time.

"I'm gonna go work on my rocket ship, Reimu!"

"Good. Get out." Reimu folds her arms as I run for the door and slide it open.

…

With meticulous duct taping, there was now a metal plate slathered onto the bottom of the hull box thing. I created the straps to hold my hangers; I'd have to find a way to rapid-activate them, or something. I haven't put the hangers in yet, though; I kinda need them for important combat situations.

I've also got an idea for the stabilization… but I'll need to pay an actual visit to Patchy.

I take one of the glowing green scrying blocks from my bag and drop it next to the rocket base. I slide the shrine's door open…

"Watch my rocket for me! I'm gonna go ask Patchy some questions!"

Reimu doesn't reply, staring at me from her duct-taped kotatsu.

Sliding the door shut, I depart on my endeavor to ask her for parts and things!

Walking to the hillside next to the stairs-

I slip, and slide down the hill.

"Fucking de~w!"

…

It's not actually that bad of a slide, to be honest. Wee~!

I reach the bottom in no time, but my trousers are all soaked… which doesn't pair well with the temperature to be honest.

Standing up, I immediately charge for the lake.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Th-there he is!" Daiyousei points to me frantically.

Cirno is hovering next to her. "He woke up! We gotta continue our game!"

I raise a hand. "Yo. I gotta go do the things and stuff. I'm not in a fairy bashing mood!"

Lightly jogging along the lakeside, I'm trailed by the two fairy friks.

"Are you mocking me!?" Cirno yells at me.

"Friend, I'm trying to make a rocket to Mars!" I yell back.

"Ooh~!" Cirno's mood does a one-eighty. "Can I come!?"

"I-I think he's mocking-"

"Shut up, Daiyousei." I interrupt her.

She glares at me. "But-"

"Hey." I interrupt her again.

"But-!"

" _Hey._ " I stress it this time, yo.

I stop running, and they slow down behind me.

"...Whaz the D… in Daiyousei stand for?" I turn to her.

She furrows her brows. "...It doesn't stand for-"

"Y'Fookin' _stoopid!?_ " I shove my face towards hers, widening my eyes.

"A-ah!" She jumps back, shielding herself.

I'm slightly guilty for that, but if she was planning on sicking Cirno on me just for scaring her even earlier, she can suck it.

I begin running while Cirno giggles at the exchange.

…Pale green danmaku bolts are trailing me now! Daiyousei has been sufficiently pissed off!

I dunno if she's really trying or not, 'cause only a few bullets and beams seem to even come close, and Cirno's just kinda casually following me.

It's not long before we reach the manor gates!

Meiling is standing there, sleeping against the wall. The gate is locked, which I could just fly over, but I wanna do this all proper.

A few of Daiyousei's bullets hit her, but she doesn't even change her snoring.

I reach the gate and flail my limbs against it!

It clatters a little.

Meiling's eyes open instantly and she looks to the gate. She relaxes when she sees it's me.

"Oh. Just you…"

A few more bullets hit her.

"What…"

Daiyousei floats slightly menacingly in the air, slowing down the closer she got.

"I-I know I'm not a good fighter… but I can still stop you!" Daiyousei stared bravely down at me.

Meiling punches the air, a shotgun spread of rainbow bullets heading for Daiyousei.

Pi~chun!

...But could you stop _Meiling_ , is the real question here!

Meiling proceeds to do the same to Cirno, even though she was just kinda there.

Pi~chun!

"There we go…"

She turns to me.

"You're not going in. Sorry."

...Say what now?

"Yo, Patchy probably knows I'm-"

"You're not going in. Sorry." Meiling gets herself into sleeping posture again. "Mistress' orders."

"But-"

"You're not going in. Sorry."

…

Meiling closes her eyes, and her breathing softens.

...I turn to the fluffle, and its shell nose opens up for no specific reason.

"honh" It's fluffy.

"This is your fault, you know that?" I point at the little fluffy menace. "You did this."

"im sorry friend" It shakes its head. "im sterile"

You're anything _but_ sterile, you freakin' living bag of dirt.

I've got a plan, though…

...I push the fluffle stand. The fluffle is standing on nothing behind it, so it falls to the floor, its defiance of gravity getting destroyed, or something.

"why friend"

The plan: Stack it on Meiling… and climb on her!

I start pushing it near Meiling, and her eyes snap open.

"Don't even think about climbing it. Don't bother getting any fairies to fly you over, either."

Woah! She's still fuckin' awake!?

…

I see how it is. She's gonna… 'sleep', and then she'll bamboozle me when she gets the chance. I know your game, Meiling…

Stacking blocks like an insane person is out of the question, then. I also notice all my blocks are gone, too…

"How was the block cleanup?" I ask Meiling. She appears asleep, and doesn't answer me.

"...Look, I know you're bloody awake."

No answer.

"The second I try to climb over or fly over, you're just gonna bamboozle me. There's no need to play the trope straight, though."

...One of her eyes cracks open, and she replies in a quieter tone. "All the blocks actually disappeared after a day or so…"

Both open and she's back to full-on authority! "Do not attempt climbing with blocks again."

I nod. "Alright, yo."

I walk away from the mansion…

…

Reaching the lake, I turn back around.

"Yeah, fuck that noise." I'm just gonna go around, and fly over the wall!

I begin walking to the left, and quickly find myself trudging through snow.

Snow.

Je~sus. Snowing already? Must really be winter…

It's not snowing right now, though. It's still hella cold on the feetsies, though…

The fun part is that there's a couple trees that are still green as shit, while there's like, completely barren trees next to them. That might just be a Gensokyo thing.

...This is kinda where I started, innit? Talk about nostalgia… I can't make anything out real well due to the shifting of seasons, unfortunately.

I do recognize the patch of wall I started from, and I can even see a bit of the sticks and twigs and stuff on the side of the wall!

By now I've reached the left side of the manor's walls. The manor pretty much has a fence of large walling around it, so this'd be the left side of said box of fences… of walls.

I completely screwed up that sentence, but nevermind that!

Reaching the wall side, shivering from the bitter cold, I see my small den of sticks and twigs and things lives once more!

A pale woman in a kimono sits at a garden table, ri~ght where my old shack used to be.

...I call it a shack. It was more like a crime against nature.

Her garden table's even got a little umbrella!

She looks at me. "...Oh? A human villager? How peculiar… Are you one of the vampire brat's meals getting away again, or did you just come to say hello?"

I shake my head. "I came to invade the mansion to get supplies for rocket science."

…

"Well, if you strayed this far from the beaten path, you're obviously not sane." She nods, sipping some kind of tea. "I was looking for a way to infiltrate this manor myself. You see, the mistress of this manor has taken something very dear from me, yes…"

Please, give me more exposition. "Such as?"

"The sapphire of my kin." She looks up to me and smirks. "...If you are still ignorant, human, I am a yuki-onna."

Oh, wow, what a shocker. Couldn't tell from your ice-blue skin, all the snow, the fact a gentle breeze is coming from you, and the fuckin' kimono. "Really?"

"Indeed…" She sips her tea. "...You're going to help me."

Oh, this is gonna be great… "W-what?"

"You heard me. You're going to help me get it back. If you say no, I will drain you of your life energy. If you say yes, you will serve me. Do we have a deal?"

I step up to the table, reaching into my empty sack. Within it, I generate a basic block, and toss it at her.

She swats it away. "...Good attempt. I commend you for bringing a children's block in a potato sack as your only means of self defense."

I shrug. "The economy's hard, friend."

Going to sit down at the table, I find it cold as hell. Hnnn~gh…

"Tea?" She holds up her cup. "...None for you, I'm afraid. It'd likely kill you."

She's probably drinking nitrogen or something.

"So, when do we begin?" I twiddle my thumbs.

"Well, for starters, I'd like you… to do some fairy hunting for me."

Interesting…

"Afterwards, devise a way to get over this wall in a discreet manner. The vampire- this manor belongs to a vampire, by the way- has defenses in place specifically to combat myself, and the others she has wronged."

"By the way, what's yer name?" I ask her. Couldn't hurt! She also definitely wasn't Letty, so y'know…

"Yasumi. Simply elegant, is it not?" She smiles. "...I neglect the name of my kinship, but it's probably something just as elegant, I assure you."

I'm sorry? Is that fancy for 'I forgot my own bloody last name'!?

I begin slipping Flame Salvo from my sack…

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that…" I begin, as if her neglecting her 'kinship' were a tragic ordeal.

"Oh? Oh, it's nothing." She waves me off, smiling. "...I can tell you're going to be a good slave."

I point Flame Salvo at her.

Fwooo~m!

"What the fuck!?" She falls back of her chair as the torrent of flames slam into her, igniting her kimono. "Shit! No! No, no no! Fire! A fire's started!"

She rolls around in the snow, the fire being put out rapidly, but I run after her, providing sustained fire on her…

Sustained fire? Get it? Ge~t it?...

I am literally cancer, aren't I?

Fwoo~m!

"You asshole!" Yasumi barks, tearing off her burning kimono. She's got bindings underneath, unfortunately… "How dare you-"

Fwoo~m!

"Agh!"

The temperature kicks up like twenty degrees, and my shivering slows.

"F-fuck you!" She begins crying. "Fucking- damn it! I'll kill you!"

She floats off, slamming herself into the snow a few times to stop the burning.

…

I am simply the greatest slave, apparently. Good call.

Again, I feel like a little bit of an asshole, but y'know, gotta break some apples to uh… something. Don't know where I was going with that one!

I just hope Reimu or someone's around when that yuki-onna rolls back around. I bet she's gonna have fire retardant shit on and everything, prepping herself for the big brawl. I dunno how powerful she even is since I just slammed her with fire immediately.

I _really_ need to upgrade the holy hanger. For serious.

Pulling out my Yin-yang flail-o-copter, I begin the process of floating over the manor walls…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: PATCHOULI KNOWLEDGE'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Pentacasting's typically not the most viable thing, but knowing how to do so is very much an important element for future tiers of casting, just as much as the tiers before such as quadcasting, tricasting, bicasting… and casting in general.

I normally don't engage in multicasts of any sort because it can get unprofessional, messy, and very chaotic if done incorrectly, and it eats an unviable level of mana the higher you go. Tricasts of the same element are something I'd consider expert level, to be honest, and you could get much more mileage from just using more powerful spells rather than forcing more mileage from simpler spells.

Let's be honest: brute manipulation of the elements gets one farther than the fancy, pre-designed spells. The inverse is true for non-elemental manipulation of mana: pre-designed spells are very much utilitarian and effortful to produce, and it's easy to just blow things up by flailing wildly with your mana reserves. This is why most mages specialize in straightforward magical defense rather than elemental defenses; if someone tries to make your head outright explode, even a smidgen of magical defense will make that not happen unless far more mana is exerted.

Such is the way of lower level magi on magi combat, unfortunately. The victor is either the one who bothered to use elemental spells, or the one who made some unfortunate part of the other mage's body explode, implode, or become no more by other means- by sheer force of mana exertion, mana pool, or the fact the other specialized in elemental defense and not magical defense.

The door to the library swings open, even though I had locked it prior. That's what I get for using a simple lock today…

"Faaa~ck!"

Just what is _he_ doing here? There are a few hundred reasons why he shouldn't be here right now.

...That may be hyperbole, but unless fate has frowned upon me today, there is no reason he should be here.

Brad finds his way to my study. "Hello, Patchy!"

I'd like to find who told him of my nickname so that I may vent frustration. Probably one of the fairy maids, all things considered.

I futilely continue to read my tome…

"I am in need of rocket materials and things!" Brad cheerfully lists his demands.

Oh. That still doesn't explain how he got past the gate guard…

"Also, I beat up a yuki-onna who was camping outside the walls menacingly. I lit her on fire and she got sad." He adds offhandedly.

Wait, what?

I look up from my tome at him.

"...Hello." He waves at me.

"Explain."

...He tilts his head. "What, you weren't watchin' me?"

I shake mine. "No. As it turns out, I don't spend every waking moment watching you go about your trivial day."

He nods. "...Right. I knew that."

Hah.

"...So, there was like, this yuki-onna, right?"

I nod. Pretty sure we already established that…

"She had great tits."

Excuse me?

"Like, the round knockers, yo." He places his hands in the air, pretending to squeeze them. "Like, fuckin' bazookas!"

…

"You're mocking me, aren't you?" I coldly state.

He shakes his head… then he nods. "Kinda. I guess. Sorry. Just teasin' ya."

"I haven't the time for your nonsense." ...Well, I technically do, but I'd rather not hear him speak needlessly.

"Alright, so there was this freakin' yuki-onna outside-"

We've established that already.

"-and she had this whole garden table setup with liquid nitrogen tea and crap."

I highly doubt that last part. Both the tea and the fecal matter.

"She tried to make me go in here and recover some stupid sapphire for her."

Oh.

O~h.

It's _that_ yuki-onna.

Let me guess… "Was it Ya~... hmm…" I seem to have forgotten her name.

"Yasumi?" Brad guesses.

Yes, quite. "Yes, yes, I remember now. The unfortunately contradictory name."

...Brad blinks. I don't feel like explaining.

"...Nevermind that. Continue."

"She got all pushy, so I burnt her face off and stuff." He looked around, displaying nervousness. "Say, uh, could you perhaps give me a sapphire like that? She kinda wants to beat me the fuck up, so~..."

Sure. "It's not a unique sapphire she wants, anyway. I can just make one myself, and she wouldn't know the difference."

Brad smiles ironically. "...Oh. Well, good on her, then."

…

"So~, about them materials…"

Here we go…

"I need like, a ring thing that can have a hanger be attached to it and be detached from later, and I need a way for said hanger to spin around on it." He spins one finger around another as if that illustrated anything.

I've got no idea how that helps him in any way, shape, or form. I suppose it'll be his repayment for the intel…

That reminds me.

"How did you get in here? Meiling should have stopped you."

He shrugs. "It's called going around the back and floating in. I mean, seriously, you need some bloody sentry turrets, or some shit."

What?…

"Meiling said-"

He interrupts me. "Look. I just walked back to the Misty Lake, then went the long way around to the side."

…

Seriously?

Noticing my incredulous face, he grins. "I'm not jokin', yo. That freakin' security."

Wouldn't the fairy maids have picked up something wrong?

...I'll talk this over with Remi later. Although, now that we're on the topic…

"Would you happen to know anything of our previous unwelcomed guest?"

He claps his hands together, taking a guess. "Du~h… Shikieiki-who's-her-face?"

Apparently not. "Nevermind."

He shrugs.

…

He proceeds to take a seat. "Fluff nuggets…"

I should get started on those things.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Sitting at Patchouli's desk while she's away, I make a miniature battlefield.

"Oough!" I imitate the sound of a dying security guard as I make one paper clip viciously assault the other.

Patchouli floats onto the scene moments later. "...I won't even ask what you're doing to my things, but I would advise you to leave them alone."

...I look to my right and notice the crystal ball. It has me in it! "Aw, son! It's fluff-o-vision!"

"Please, no." Patchouli shakes her head.

I focus on the crystal ball, and it pans towards the crystal ball inside of it. That crystal ball shows the crystal ball which shows the crystal ball which… holy shit.

I shake my head to snap from my trance. "Neato!"

"...In any case, I've prepared the objects you need. Follow me." Patchouli floats off.

Does she ever have any fun? She's been strict business for like, the past few hours or so, leaving me to wonder if magi ever do anything except for bash their skulls in with large textbooks. I'm willing to bet she has a good fantasy novel around here somewhere, even if it's in a language I probably couldn't begin to comprehend.

...I should probably hurry the fuck up and follow her!

We reach a series of tables, but only one has the stuffs on it.

"Here we are…"

On the table is a generic sapphire and uh…

Astro ring!

I point at it. "Astronomical!"

It's a round metal ball, and around it is a large metal ring. The hanger could probably be attached keychain style…

How the ring was attached to the ball, though, I've got no freakin' clue!

"This is the Magnet Orbiter." Patchouli introduces it. "...I see you're intrigued. It would take far too long to explain the applications of advanced magnetic manipulation to anchor objects to one another in space. It involves metaphysical bonds, if you know anything about that."

…

"Fucking magnets. Now just _how_ do they work?" I raise a brow exaggeratedly, gazing down at the magnetic device.

"...Very carefully." Patchouli grins at me.

Freakin'... stole that from me!

…

"The more appropriate question is: will it give me cancer?" I jest.

"Just get out." She sighs. "I have research to be doing."

"For the people who are still alive?" I grin.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I land on my ass, having been teleported just outside the gate. My stuff drops into my lap after me.

Meiling jumps at my sudden presence. "Huh!?"

...She takes a glance at me. "...Oh. Where'd you come from?"

"Hell." I tell her. "I brought gifts."

"...Okay." Meiling goes back to leaning against the wall. "You still can't go in, though."

I roll my eyes. "Friend, I just got teleported out."

"Su~re." She nods.

"...You may also wanna patrol the wall for things." I add. She probably doesn't believe me, though.

"Whatever you say. I'm not taking my eyes off you."

Hyonk. Well, I'm sure she'll find out later…

I lift the astro disc thing in one hand and uh… that's freakin wei~rd, dude! How is it attached to the ri~ng, du~de!?

Meiling blinks at it. "...How does that work?"

"Ask Patchouli." I turn to her. "Something something astrophysics. Fuckin' magnets, son."

She looks slightly put off by that statement, but relaxes against the wall again.

I pocket the sapphire and begin my trek back to the Hakurei Shrine.

…

Midway around the lake, I realize something…

I could use this sapphire for crafting shit! Screw that yuki-onna!

I gotta think of what to craft with it, though. Aren't they like, ice things? Hmmm… I wonder if I can turn Deep Blue into an ice thing. Might be a bit troublesome, since water's actually really utilitarian. Nah, I'm gonna attach an ice upgrade to my fire stuff. Would that be a downgrade…?

I dunno.

Before long, I reach the great staircase of assholery. What god sat down one day and was just like 'yeah gonna need a big fuckin' staircase right o~n… that hill over there!'?

After the fun climb, I reach my rocket friend…

Let's get this show on the road…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Sticking the orb inside the hull let the ring orbit around it nicely. I have no idea how stable it'll actually be, though.

On the underside, I had the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber and Flame Salvo hooked up to beat each other the fuck up on the underside. Mostly just the Bawmber exploding, though.

I thought of adding fins, but fuck the precise woodwork needed to do that!

I'll also have my Flail-o-copter ready on the inside, just incase the thing explodes. Also to offset my weight of sitting in the corner of the craft.

I slide the door open, and see Marisa inside with Reimu again.

"Heyo, ze!" Marisa waves at me.

"Hello, friends! I shall be taking off to High Hrothgar, soon!"

Reimu yawns. "Okay…"

"...By that, I mean I shall be taking off in my freakin' rocket ship!"

Marisa stood up. "You mean that thing can fly!?"

Reimu jumped from Marisa's shouting. "W-what!?"

"Yeah, yo!" I gesture outside. "Come check 'er out!"

I race outside, and Marisa zooms out after me. Reimu lazily steps up to the door.

"Behold!" I gesture to the craft. "Six and a half rolls of duct tape, one metal sheet, an astro-fucker or whatever, a uh… things. Things! Also, wood."

Marisa claps. "It's gonna explode, ze! Yeah!"

...Thanks for the vote of confidence, Marisa!

Reimu looks at it. "...You honestly expect _that_ to fly?"

I nod. "Yeah."

"...You're an idiot." Reimu shakes her head.

I move over to it, and cautiously step inside. If I stomp the floor, it'll probably go off…!

...I lean over to Deep Blue, which I slipped onto the astro-ring prior to take-off. Turning it on-

Fwuuu~sh!

It begins propelling itself around the ring, slowly getting faster as the jet of water picks up. As it does, the rocket begins shaking from the force of the hanger rotating on the ring.

"Wohohoah!" I exclaim, holding onto the box's edges. "This is how I shall keep the device-"

Bam!

The engine has takeoff!

"-sta~ble!" I shout down at the two girls.

Boom!

That was the sound of Flame Salvo rebounding and clanging against the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber.

Blam!

Since I had forgotten to close the lid before taking off, the force of the repeated blasts knocking the craft upward rips it off. So much for that!

Bam! Boom! Kaboom!

Holy shit! I sit down hastily, staring out horizontally from the device. The landscape nearby quickly is obscured by the walls of the box, and by the splashes of water being produced by Deep Blue.

Kaboom! Blam! Boom!

The walls ripple and shake, duct tape jiggling violently from the force of the blasts.

Bam! Boom! Blablam!

Meekly staring out the sides of the box, I noticed the ground wa~y fuckin' below me. Holy crap…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Marisa and Reimu stared up at the spiral of water, backing away as it expanded and splashed all over the shrine's lawn.

"What…" Reimu shielded her eyes with her hand, looking up at the rapidly rising water spiral.

Marisa whistled. "Huh. It uh, exploded, but uh…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Patchouli was outside the manor halls for the few times in forever once more, to address Meiling's consecutive failures in managing the entirety of the wall.

"If that had been a real intruder…" Patchouli let her words trail off, hoping it would add meaning to her sentence.

"I know..." Meiling nodded. "It's just… it's hard managing the entire box around the manor without something to manage the places I'm not lookin'. Last time I checked, I was a gate guard, not a wall patroller."

Patchouli nodded slowly. "...I wonder if I could convince Remi to allocate some fairies to patrol duties."

Meiling grinned. "More like how long they'd actually adhere to them before the whole system breaks down."

…

"The hell's goin' on over there?" Meiling points to the distance.

Patchouli looks over to the rising water spiral in the distance.

"...Hell." Patchouli summarizes.

Meiling looks to her. "...I see."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Hieda no Akyuu walked through her garden, a small army of butlers behind her.

"...You don't _have_ to follow me, you know." Akyuu dismissed them.

The butlers turned and walked away, dejected. 

"...Troublesome." She shook her head, and looked to the cloudy midday sky, only to see a water spiral shooting up into the air.

"...Huh."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We are now piercing the cloud layer!

Ducking into my craft, I shield my head with my arms, trying to prevent too much water from building up on me…

…

Holy shit it's cold up here!

Soaring through the cloud, I ended up with a small puddle inside with me. It slowly drained through the duct tape, which probably couldn't be good for the adhesive…

Fairies of some sort flew alongside the craft, giggling all the while.

...I crouched inside. Hopefully they don't decide to randomly attack the mobile craft!

I hear thunks against the side of it.

Freakin'...

Standing up, I stick out my middle finger at them.

"Fuck you~!" I curse the space dwellers!

Generating a block in my hand, I toss it…

...and gravity consumes it.

Whoever gets hit by that is practically gonna get sniped by _god_. Yo.

The fairies float closer to the craft. One gets really close…

"Hello, ground dweller."

Boom! Bam! Boom!

Those explosions've been going on the whole while, by the way. They're freakin' annoying. They also make it hard to hear people over!

"Hello, sky dweller!"

Kaboom! Bang! Boom!

"What business do you have up here?" She asks me.

Uhh…

"The moon will fall in three days! Everything you know is a lie!" I tell her, suddenly getting frantic.

"...I don't believe you." She folds her arms. "I'm afraid we may have to shoot you down."

Let's see…

Idea!

"Actually, I'm here to deliver… the sky candy!"

Klablam!

"...The sky candy." She stares at me blankly.

Boom!

"Yeah, yo."

...I lift the sapphire.

"It's sky candy."

She smiles. "...How kind. Is it from the human village?"

I nod. "Yes, friend. Come here…"

I slip out Sharper Than Darkness with my other hand.

"...Alright girls, I'm going in." She addresses her friends. They all relent, floating lower, some dissipating.

I hold up the sapphire for her, slowly bringing it lower so she'd get closer. She hovers down, trying to board my craft…

I slip Sharper Than Darkness into her chest.

Shink!

"A-agh!" She wails instantly, and tries to shoot away, letting the scythe edge of the hanger rip from her chest straight down to her crotch, semi-bisecting her.

Pi~chun!

Moments later, her fate is sealed.

...Up above, I see peculiar clouds at the top layer of the nearby clouds suddenly fading into view. There's a lot of them, too! They look… fake, I guess? Not like other clouds!

...The cloud fairies near the underside of my craft, and some grab for the engine.

Pi~chun!

Boom!

Pi~chun!

...Where the hell were they going with that?

I'm getting closer to those weird clouds…!

The remaining fairies gather around the side of my craft, flying alongside it.

Boom!

They're fucking fast buggers, aren't they?

Bam!

One of the fairies nears my craft, and moves to ram it with her face.

Thud!

Boom!

Oh, shit! I'm at an angle now!

Thud!

I rebound off one of her misfortunately positioned friends, who takes the full force of the box's broadside to the face.

Pi~chun!

My angle is slightly corrected!... it's still an angle, though!

Boom! Bam! Bang!

The rotating of Deep Blue makes my angled ascension all wonky. I pass over the funny clouds, and on the top of them, there's… land!

Land, ho!

Bam! Boom!

The craft starts doing a complete turn towards the ground. Crap, crap, crap…!

Boom!

It slides over the land in the air, and-

Boom!

I duck inside the box.

Thunk, thunk, thunk-

Boom!

It grates against the ground, and ends up colliding with a structure.

Thud.

Bam! Boom! Kaboom!

...One of the last two cloud fairies charge for the engine.

Pi~chun!

Boom!

With one last explosion, the hangers clatter across the heavily stone-clad floor of the sky island.

...I climb from the box, pocketing my flail.

The cloud fairy grins down at me. "Not so dapper without your precious contraption, are you, human?"

...I dive for Flame Salvo, which is lying across the way on the stone a bit. She lets me do so, unsure of what I was doing at first.

"Another move, and the fairy gets the hose again." I tell her. "Fairy does not want the hose again."

She frowns. "...Silly human. Let me show you what I mean…"

She floats closer.

Fwooo~m!

"W-what!?" She flails her limbs, shocked by the sudden torrent of flames.

I move closer, enforcing said flames.

Fwooo~m!

"S-stop!" Air whirls around her, putting it out rapidly.

Fwooo~m!

This spray of fire is completely deflected by her wind shield!

...She grins triumphantly. "Hah. Brutish human. See the power of the skies?"

...I walk casually to Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber and lift it.

"Hey. Posh fairy." I get her attention.

She floats closer to me slowly, grinning maliciously. "Yee~s?"

I toss the Bawmber at her.

It strikes the wind shield.

Boom!

Pi~chun!

It spins in the air, and strikes the floor.

Bam!

After a single bounce, it rests there.

...I pocket Flame Salvo. "See the power of fuckin' _explosions?_ "

Fluffy days…

I begin picking all my crap up, and stashing it.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Looking around the skyscape, I get to properly observe the land…

It's really quite pretty. Fucking cold, but pretty.

Upon 'clouds' rest rather serene islands of stone, patches of grass, and numerous flowers. Fancy ass buildings sit upon these islands, and they're all connected quite conveniently by equally fancy-looking stone bridges. There seems to be a 'town plaza' of some kind, too, in the center, fountain and everything.

From here, I can see the bounds of Gensokyo's skies. Guess what's there?... A whole fuckton of nothing, that's what! The endless blue is still kinda nice, though. It's a freakin' far cry from the overcast down under.

Now if someone asks me 'how's the weather up there' I can go 'eternally sunny as hell'.

All the buildings are sorta blue-ish, purple-ish. Made with bricks and stuff, but a few more official-looking buildings are made of some kinda fancy white and yellow stone color scheme.

...Strange, strange people in funny hats and super frilly dresses move about the place. Yes, even the men. Feathers and fruit galore!

Fruit. By fruit, I mean peaches. There's some trees up here… and they're all peach trees. Heaven's not known for variety in agriculture, apparently…

Freakin' ironic, since the human village is essentially farmville.

I'm given funny looks by the citizens of Heaven. Some look at me with some blend between pity and disgust.

"Oh, I see…" A man adjusts his monocle. "You're an… ahem, mortal, yes?"

I nod. "Yeah. I'm freakin' fleshy."

He nods. "Yes… I can see from your... tasteless apparel."

Oh god, it's sneakerhead heaven. Someone, please toss me off the edge.

A woman walks up to him. "Should we contact the eldest daughter to handle this outsider, dear?"

He shakes his head. "Maybe it would be best if the eldest daughter were left in the unknown…"

A tubbier man walks up. "I say it would be within our best interest to contact the eldest daughter!"

...The blue-clad, monocle'd stiff turns to him. "Do you ever cease to be an amazing waste of space, Pluto?"

Pluto. Fun name.

Pluto, the green-clad frilly motherfucker, jerks his head back. "What!? But the eldest daughter must know! It is her duty!"

He'd be that guy who talks in all caps in forums, I'm sure of it.

The posh man sighs. "Oh, fine, then. Tell her, for all I care. I don't, by the way."

What a twat.

The woman fans herself with a fancy-ass decorated fan, with transparent bits and decor of roses and everything. "Valdvir, dear, give it a rest. I'm about to miss my five o'clock beautyrest because of you. We really must hurry back."

Valdvir, who I am tempted to call Voldemort, sighs. "Very well, dear. Let us go back, and leave these fools to fight with sticks and stones."

Nice guy.

The two fancy people leave me to my devices.

The tubby chump runs off, leaving me alone. He's probably getting this 'eldest daughter'. I'm not- oh, wait.

O~h. He's getting Tenshi. Daa~h, let's not yet. I still wanna plunder crap…!

I see a church. Why _wouldn't_ heaven have a church?

I move up to enter it, swinging the double doors open…

Inside has some generic crosses on the walls, and the place is empty. Some posh dude in a yellow suit stands at the top, polishing a pair of glasses.

He glances up at me, and pauses for a moment… then goes back to his glasses.

Walking up the lane, I look at the purple benches…

What.

Oh, no. No, no, no!

I see see fluffles milling about on the flooring under them!

They're up here too!?

Sweet Jesus fuck. We're dead, yo. Gone. Game over. They've fuckin' infested _heaven_. Oh, shit. I'm gonna be seeing these assholes when I go to hell, too, probably!

I sit down at one of the benches. A fluffle scurries up to my leg, and I wiggle my foot at it to ward it off.

It sinks its little shell nose into my moccasin, instead…

Alright, yo. I'm gonna need a breather before I go on… freakin' take it all in.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 29

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber

PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed.

INVENTORY:

Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. Has a very situational instant-death dealing condition that, let's be honest, I probably couldn't fulfil; it's just there for world building. Help no.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives that I mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out...

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

well HERE WE ARE, HEAVEN.

the next freakin' chapter batch will likely be in multiple months, as usual. l :3

...who knows though, i'm on spring break, but you didn't hear it from me. i never said anything, yo.

i should get SOME accelerated work done in between relaxing, then, at least.

we're about to meet some fluffy faces, yo

getting up here at all is one of my FIRST MILESTONES, YO

btw there're probably upgrades to be had here, as well

also fluffles in heaven AHHHH~ AHHHHHH~...

as always, see you all next time!


	35. Sky Climber

(in which we go to reverse Hell)

Heaven's a surprisingly dull looking place. I mean, it _is_ pretty amazing by human standards and looks fairly pretty… but I kinda expected the whole 'anything your heart desires' connotation most religions give it. Here it's just kinda, uh… rich snobby twats.

That fluffle's still trying to snack on my shoe. It looks cuddly, but let's face it, it'd probably give me like, heaven-borne illnesses or something. Those are surely the worst kind of illnesses.

I think I've had enough of a breather!

I stand from the bench seat thing, the posh fellow looking up at me as I do so.

"Are you _finally_ going to vacate my church? Your _presence_ here is undignifying."

The unneeded amount of venom in the way he says it actually makes me wanna laugh!

"Ho ho ho! 'Cause, y'know, the fluffle infestation doesn't say anything…"

He grins back. "I know not of what you speak. Are you grasping for straws, my good sir?"

…

I bend down and lift up a cuddle nugget. "Here. It's fluffy, and uh…"

I look around, watching them scurry under all the rows.

"They're kinda everywhere."

It looks at me. "im sniffable"

Please, no.

He scowls. "Ri~ght. Those unkempt _vermin_ … I've tried everything. I tried laying out wine for them, setting up those Earthen 'mouse traps' as they were… They're simply ungrateful little whelps!"

You did _what_ for them? The hell was that supposed to do!? Were you tryin'a get 'em drunk or something!?

Pffft… "Hahahaha~!"

"...I fail to see what is so funny, mortal." He folds his arms, looking bitter.

"I-It's nothing, friend. Keep doing you, yo, keep doin' you."

I turn and proceed to walk out of the church as the fancy fellow watches me leave.

Guy's a freakin' legend, yo.

Leaving the church, I find myself in the town square again…

Wait, aren't I here to do looting? I should go back inside and case the place. I doubt the guy'll know what's going on. Do they even have thieves in heaven?

I suppose I'll find out…!

I re-enter the church.

"...I would appreciate it if you left." Chucklefuck over here is happy to see me!

"I'm just here to admire the beautiful church things! Nice money, by the way!" Throw compliments at him!

He rolls his eyes. "Hmph… If you insist, mortal. I doubt you've ever seen such grace before."

Honestly, this place looks like it was adapted from an NES game, but… y'know. Grace.

I look to the sides of the room, which I didn't bother with before. There were counters with various books, some basket-esque bowls of peaches, and what looked like fancy bottles of water. Holy water, maybe? Hmmm…

I see some fancy candles, with the golden holders and everything, on the tables. That gives me an idea…

But first, I gotta swindle it when the guy's busy.

"Ey, ey Woody!" I address him. "I think I know a way to be rid of the vermin!"

He snorts. "What could an ignorant fop such as yourself possibly know about vermin? Especially at this altitude?"

I ignore most of his sentence. "We got 'em on Earth, too. We call 'em wombat ramblers… but I like to call them fluffles. Here's whatcha gotta do…" I reach for one of the wax stick candles as opposed to the mini goblet things. "Take some wax…"

I find a fluffle and grab it.

"honh"

"Then, ya beat the shit outta 'em!"

Crack!

I whacked it over the head with the wax stick, breaking it. The flaming wick drops to the floor, but since it's stone, it really doesn't matter.

"Waaa~l!" The fluffle is now upset!

"...Are you sure that will drive these things away?"

I drop the fluffle. "Trust me, it's like an ant hotel. They go in, but they never come out!" This analogy doesn't work at all.

Thankfully, the guy's fookin' stoopid. "...I will take your word for it, mortal. My appreciations."

...He moves to grab a candle stick himself, daintily plucking it from its holder. While he does that, I take a few of the goblet things, blow them out, and shove them in my sack.

I'm sure Marisa would be proud. In any case, I think this dude has enough money for a couple hundred more golden goblet candles to replace the four I stole.

I begin leaving the church. "See ya later, richie rich!"

He doesn't acknowledge me, as he is busy lifting a fluffle, posturing himself to smash it over the head with one of the candlesticks.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The town square is rather quaint. By that, I mean it's freakin' tiny. For a place as revered as heaven, you'd think it'd be a bit bigger. However, I do notice there are roads and chains of floating islands that seem to lead to other little towns, so there's probably a lot more to heaven than meets the eye. They all only go in the direction of Youkai Mountain, though, which makes sense.

Some moustached guy with pale-blue hair walks up to me. "Might I inquire what a mortal like you is doing this high up? Surely, you know this is no place for those not of celestial blood."

...Is that hair dyed, or is just naturally cotton-candy colored?

I shrug. "I dunno, son. I was just minding my own business, and I guess I took a few wrong turns in the woods, or something. I just ended up here!"

His eyes widen. "How does that even happen!? We're in the sky, you nincompoop!"

It's been a lo~ng time since I heard that word used, and I think I know why…

"I dunno, son! You tell me! Now I'm in the sky, and there's no way down! This is your fault!" I point at him, acting frazzled.

" _My~_ fault!?" Hoho~ly frik, didn't expect him to get that mad.

"Yeah, yo. Now I'm freakin… fluffy." Hyonk.

"Just wait until the eldest daughter arrives! _Then_ you'll be sorry!" He glares at me.

…

Wait, are we just gonna stand here, then? "...Y'know, you could throw a punch yourself, or uh…"

"What kind of mayor do you take me for? I need not step down to such levels. The eldest daughter is the one tasked with the defense of heaven, not I."

Oh. So you're good for nothing, basically? I mean, you manage the town, but… it's heaven. What do you really need to manage other than the weekly sky golf tourny or somethin'?

Sky golf. The deadliest form of golf, mostly because if the ball falls from the clouds, it'll probably snipe someone on the ground below.

"...Do you play golf up here?" I inquire.

He seems surprised by the question, but nods anyway. "...Minigolf, yes."

Daa~w. I guess that's fine, too…

…

So freakin' sunny up here. Jesus. I'm kinda sorry that no one seems to have invented sunglasses up here yet…

"The sun bother you guys at all?" I ask mister mayor person.

He looks perplexed. "...No?"

How. You people are weird!

Loud footsteps are heard nearby, and I turn to see a fluffy face.

"This better be interesting."

Tenshi Hinanawi steps up to the mayor from one of the paths that lead out of the village.

"There you are! Eldest daughter, I need-"

"Shut up, Paul." Tenshi shoots him down.

"But, I- we-"

"I said shut up." She glares him down.

He glares back, but does indeed shut up.

...She turns to me. "You fly up here?"

I shake my head. "Rode up here, yo. Duct taped box with a rocket engine."

She nods. "So you flew."

"Technically."

She hums in recognition, turning to the mayor, then back to me. "...I don't see a problem here, really."

The mayor's jaw drops. "You don't see a problem!? There is an _outsider_ in heaven, eldest daughter. How is that not a problem?"

"It's not like he's even doing anything! It looks like he's just standing here." Tenshi argues back. "And don't give me that whole 'he's a mortal' shtick again. If he got up here, he's surely not _that_ mortal."

"But, we're a dignified-"

"This is literally the most uptight town thing here, and I thought the rest of heaven sucked. You guys are awful." Tenshi freakin' roasts the dude!

The mayor's face gets red. "J-just wait until I tell your father what a disgrace you've caused here today!"

She shakes her head. "Pretty sure he's heard worse already. I don't think he'll care."

She begins walking away. "I thought it was gonna be interesting, too. Handle your own problems."

…

As she leaves, I nod at the mayor. "Good job, son. Ya blew it."

He turns to me, expression sour. "I did not, in fact, 'blow' anything."

If this place is the worst in heaven, I think I shouldn't use it to judge how shitty heaven is as a whole. I think I'll go to another one of the little sky towns…

Tenshi walked to the left-most one. This town only has two paths branching from it, so it must be the very edge of heaven. No wonder it was shite, huh?

I begin walking off, heading for the right-most path, mostly because I dunno if stalking Tenshi'd be a good idea.

The mayor follows behind me. "Where do you think _you're_ going?"

"Home." I tell him.

"Oh. Good riddance." He stops following me, apparently taking my word for it.

What a clown case, yo. This entire freakin' town.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The paths in between towns look like something out of Super Mario Bros.

Cloud fairies are floating around haphazardly, and all the tiny sky islands in between that make up the path are disconnected. You're probably expected to fly, and not actually walk. The fancy bridges end the moment I get out of town.

This'll be an experience!

Drawing Swift Brand, I take off onto the first sky island out of the gate.

A cloud fairy sees me. "An unescorted human? Interesting…"

Freakin'... You know what?

Screw Swift Brand. I pocket it and take out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber.

"Today is a great day to die!" I yell, startling the fairy.

"Oh, my!"

I crouch, jump, and smack the floor.

Bam!

I fly across half the level's worth of fairies and jumps. Many of them stop and stare at me, perplexed by what the hell that explosion was.

I slide onto the plastic-looking grass of one of the higher sky-islands. Taking a moment, I will myself to stand up…

Fairies surround me, curious.

"What was that?"

"It's a human! A human!"

"Up here…?"

Wasting no time, I bolt from them and double jump off the ledge to the next island. I pause on it to stow my Bawmber away, and I take out my Escape Plan to give my half blown-up legs a burst of speed.

"Yeah-hah-hah!" Sky parkour, yo~!

The fairies follow me as I make a mad dash over islands to the next fancy bridge. As I do so, transparent figures materialize on some of the oncoming islands and fire icicles at me.

"Jesus! Chill the fuck out!" Pun unintended, by the way. Pissed off ghosts!

The fairies get clipped by some of the icicles, and begin firing back. I end up with pale grey danmaku on my ass and deadly ice shrapnel from the front!

I try really hard to not get impaled for obvious reasons. I don't give a shit about the danmaku as much, even though it hurts like hell.

An icicle whirs past my face. "Woah!"

...Before long, though, it's just a war between the fairies and the sky phantoms.

I dash past the phantoms and reach the gate on the other side, running into town.

Fucking athletic levels, dude…

...I plant my arms on my knees, panting. More citizens surround me, but they're not as hilariously gaudy as the last town. Women and men with hair all the colors of the rainbow stare at me.

"...You guys ever think of some AA turrets, or some shit? I mean, what the fuck was that?" I gesture to the small danmaku war behind me.

A blue-haired woman walks up to me. "...Ah, you're a human. No wonder. It's just a human, everyone."

The crowd nonchalantly disperses.

...The woman bends down slightly. "Welcome to one of heaven's many settlements. Our town is very aptly named forty-eight, as per the realm's naming policies. You just came from fifty, did you not?"

I nod.

"...I take it it left a bad taste in your mouth?"

Yea~h…

"...I can see it on your face." She smiles. "Well, we're not _all_ that stupid. Come, let us dine."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We sit at a large dining table fit for Valhalla. Few others are here though.

I'm given a bowl of peaches. It begins…!

The blue-haired woman stares down at her peach basket in disinterest. Hohoho…

"I take it you have a few questions to ask?"

I nod. "Yeah. For starters, how do you deal with the fairies between towns? Aren't they a freakin' hazard?"

...She looks visibly mystified. "...No? They're as weak as household pets, even the phantoms. A single citizen could probably go out and clean up the lanes between, but there's no point, really. The fairies and ghosts would come to play again simply due to how fertile heaven is."

...As weak as household pets. Yeah, okay. "How strong are you guys, then?"

She tilts her head. "Do you not know what we are?"

...I feel like I should know, but I'm drawing a blank. "Heaven people?"

"Celestials."

Ahh, shit. I actually knew that one. I'm getting rusty! Oh well…

"We're far stronger than humans, to be certain. Especially since we're technically dead." She chuckles after that. "...So we don't really have to worry about dying anymore. Technically."

Yeah, technically.

She raises a hand, and a glass of wine floats to her from across the table, lifted by a sparkly blue aura.

Okay, now she's just showing off.

"You see, all of us were, for the most part, humans previously. There are a few… exceptions. Take sector fifty, for example. I'm pretty sure the eldest daughter's going to destroy that place herself some day." The wine reaches her, and she sips from it.

"How do become celestial do?" I ask. Not that I was interested, but how does it happen? Do you just die and go here?

"Typically, it has to be run through by us. It's a magical means of obtaining a, ahem, 'form of immortality'. Hermits, whom are typically powerful magi, usually apply for a position here. Most of the time, though, it's a case-by-case basis. We only allow special individuals to be a part of us, for the most part."

Fluffy…

"Which is why I wish to know… how did you get here? It is not often a human ends up here without purpose. You were brought here by a higher power, were you not?" She looks up at me, and smiles warmly.

I shake my head. "Nah, I rode a box I built out of duct tape with a rocket engine strapped to the bottom."

…

Her face fell. "Oh."

…

"Get out."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I land on my ass outside her grand dining hall building thing. "Feel free to look around, but I never told you anything. Got it?"

The double doors slam shut.

She was probably expecting someone taller, it seems…

There's some brown-haired guy on the bench nearby, chuckling. As I stand, he calls out to me. "So, you pissed off Tamiko, huh?"

I nod. "You could say that."

He shrugs. "Happens to all of us, buddy. She's hot, but man, if she ain't passive aggressive!"

This guy looks like generic anime protagonist number fifty-three. "Fluffy days, huh?"

He blinks. "...Sure?"

Alright!

...I now have the urge to raid the dining hall for loot. Tamiko is asking for it.

I go to re-enter…

"I wouldn't do that if I were you. If the mayor kicked you out, she did it for a reason. Look, buddy, come back in like, a few days. She'll be calmed down with you by then, I'm sure." The man cautions me.

This bloody goodie-goodie…

"Alright, yo." I walk away from the door. "I'll take your word for it."

Also, she's the bloody mayor? Go figure…

...Although, while someone helpful is here…

"Got any tips for dealing with the fairies outside of the towns?"

He smiles. "Hit them."

Freakin' cheeky bugger…!

I need legit ranged weapons here, or I'm gonna get mowed down. Melee fighting isn't so great when you, y'know, _can't fly_. I also can't just keep blast jumping between towns or my legs will become one with the aether, which is probably not a good thing.

...I kinda gotta wait for him to leave to do any outdoor casing. Guess I'll just chat his ears off, then.

The sun's beginning to set a bit…

"How's night like up here?" Probably freezing as hell.

"Cold." He summarizes.

Thought so.

"You'll pretty much need to be in a house, 'cause you're human. For us, it's just very uncomfortable."

Pain.

"...What's this about you guys being 'technically' dead?" I inquire.

"...Well, we're supposed to be. The shinigami come around to reap our souls once every couple months or so, but we just fight them back. You're not wrong in wondering if we had AA turrets of some kind, haha!"

...Oh.

"...They used to come more, but it was kinda a waste of their resources considering they never got anyone. We've only lost like, two people in the past couple hundred years. I'd say that's pretty good."

...So they're basically exploiting a glitch in how mortality works. Shieut. I thought I was one haxy bastard myself, but that's kinda a whole new level of munchkin.

"Very few people are born celestials." He tells me. "Most of the time, it's a human who ascends, usually in spite of death. That's why the shinigami are so pissed. They only send small teams, though, so they're not hard to fight off with our combined strength. We got healers, ranged and melee guys… the works, y'know?"

Mmm… Sounds fun.

He gets up. "Well, it's getting to be about that time. I've gotta go do, uh, things. See ya."

The generic anime protagonist gets up and departs, heading for one of the generic purple brick structures and going inside.

Did I mention this place still has the NES graphics? That's probably not gonna change…

...With him gone and no one else looking, I go around the back of the dining hall place. It was pretty much a large church from the looks of things, but it seemed to function more like a mess hall. It also didn't have crosses plastered everywhere, which helped.

There seems to be a back door. Do they lock doors in heaven?

I walk up to the door, and open it.

Apparently not.

...The backroom seems to be a kitchen of some description. They've even got fridges in here- I think. They look like fridges.

...don't quote me on that.

Anyway…!

Really just nothing of worth in here, it seems. I open one of the 'fridges' to find a bunch of meat hung up on hooks, and no cold air.

...Wait, if there's meats in here, why the hell're we eating peaches? Speaking of peaches, there's a few barrels full of 'em in here.

...I take like, a few armsful of them. Surely no one will miss some heaven peaches.

At the edge of the room was a staircase. Do I dare to explore further?... I wanna see what's in the mess hall first.

I go through one of the doors to the mess hall, to see it empty. There's some fine china and things…

...I stash a few of the shinier plates. Hey, they'll probably sell good!

Holy hanger upgrades, where could you be? There're some plant hangers up here, but they're of the generic variety. I'd like to think I'm past collecting new equips unless they're worthwhile at this point, though…

...There's a basket of cross necklaces at the altar, reading "please take just one."

I take two. Hyonk.

…

I take the entire basket and pour it into my sack, leaving just a few behind. I take a peach out and put it in the basket, too, just to be a dick.

Hey, I might aswell have fun with it, right?

The wall over the altar reads "Sector XLVIII". Probably roman numerals for forty-eight, all things considered.

I see some candles, which are still lit. Isn't that kinda bad? I mean, the whole place is stone, but… you're wasting the candle!

Portraits of generic crap hang on the walls. Are pictures of plains even appropriate in a land of boundless sky?

While looking around for more stuff to plunder, I hear a door click behind me.

A woman sighs.

"How disappointing…"

Did she see me?

I freeze and turn around, watching her walk to the front door of the hall. She doesn't look towards me at all, so I'm gonna figure she hasn't.

While she gets busy with locking the front door, I creep as stealthily as I can towards the kitchen. From there, I go up the stairs…

At the top is a hall, leading to different rooms. I go straight to the back and to the left!

...Bedroom! Kinda cutting it close with that one, so~...

I try the right door instead.

...I dunno what this room is used for. A magical circle sits in the center, and some books and quills and stuff sit on a row of desks to the side.

Hmmm…

There's some lightly glowing paper talismans on the desk, all of which glow either a faint white or yellow.

Those are mine now, thank you…!

I hear the staircase get used…

...I hide under the desks. Please, no.

"...This door…"

She probably realized it wasn't always open.

She walks into the room, looking around.

Time to pray to the gods below that I don't get bamboozled!

I hear dusty shuffling, and a fluffle scurries up to me from behind me, presumably coming from the dust under the desks.

I shake my head at it.

"happy birthday!" It thunks its flank against my face. Freakin' tubby fluff.

Tamiko turns to me, and widens her eyes.

"Y-you…!?"

Well. Shieut.

"...Sandy fluffs." I gesture to the adorably dusty fluffle that was assaulting my face with its broadside.

"Waaaa~l!"

"W-what are you doing up here!? These are private quarters…!" Tamiko stomps up to me, and pulls me out from under the desk with one arm. The fluffle attaches itself to my face, and begins headbutting me.

"Finding a home, friend." I smile gingerly.

"Bullshit." Tamiko glares at me. "...Were you the one that emptied the necklace basket?"

Oh, dayum, she saw that? "...Necklaces? What're you, into arts and crafts up here?"

"...So you did." She sighed.

She saw through that!? How!?

"Look. Give them back, and I'll let you go. Today's been rough, alright?" She tiredly gazes at me, and throws me into the middle of the magic circle.

"Oof…"

Can I bullshit my way out of it? Maybe!

"Look, yo, I don't have 'em on me…"

She stomps towards me, "...We can do this the easy way…" and cracks her knuckles. "...or we can do this the hard way."

"Seriously, check me 'n' stuff. It won't be anywhere."

She lifts me by my legs, and shakes me.

"Woa-oa-oa-oa-oah!"

Thud. She drops me and I just barely shield my head.

"Jesus, you tryina' bash my skull in?"

She pounces on me and digs through my pockets, achieving little.

"...What's that?"

She rips my sack from my hands, and holds it upside down.

Rubber duckies fall from it, and she lifts it back up.

...She stares inside, and sees just a big mess of shit.

"...O-oh. Alright, then…"

She throws it back onto me.

"...Sorry, I guess." She picks me up and plants me on my feet. "Still, what are you even doing back here?"

The door was only recently locked, so y'know, yeah. "I just wandered in again, and I guess I missed you or something."

She nodded. "That'd be pretty hard, all things considered. What'd you wanna see me for, anyway?"

Think think think…! Why would I even be back here!? Looking for a bathroom or some shit?

…

Oh, hey.

"I was looking for a bathroom, actually. I thought I could use the one in here." I mean, I haven't taken a shit since this fanfic started. My bowls have probably transcended this mortal plane by now, but who wants to read about taking shits, anyway? With how fast I make days progress, you know how much of the fanfic would be just eating and shitting it out? Freakin', yo…

She nodded. "Ooo~h… I'm sorry, but we don't have any bathrooms up here."

Wot.

"...Celestials don't need to defecate." She explains.

Ah.

…

"...I could show you a tree outside, I-I guess." I can tell she's weirded herself out. Now it's awkward, and that's not a bad thing!

I put my hands up. "It's alright, I'll leave. I'll get outta here. I can just take a dump on someone's flowers."

She snorts, but grabs me by the back of my suspenders. "H-hey, don't go doing that, now. If I hear someone found something unsightly somewhere of relevance, well, let's just say you're going to have a long time to think about what you've done on your way back to Earth." Though the implication is deadly, she smiles as she says it.

Hyonk. "Don't worry yo, it's called a joke."

"I know, I know… but still." She defends her claim.

She looks down at the table, and notices something…

"...You took the magic talismans the students made, didn't you?"

Ah, fuck.

"...Maybe."

"I think we're going to have a problem."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I sat at a table in the corner of the mess hall, with Tamiko standing guard over me.

The door jiggles, but it's still locked.

"Oh, I forgot to-"

Bam! It flies open, the bar on the door snapping clean in half.

Tenshi walks in, sheathing her sword again. "What, now…? It's like, ten at night, and-"

She sees me.

"...Fu~ck." She facepalms.

Tamiko puts her hands at her hips. "Eldest daughter! That lock won't be easy to replace, you do realize?"

"All you mayors are the same. All you do is bitch and moan." Tenshi steps towards us. "Can't you ever sort out problems on your own?"

Tamiko huffs. "We do. It's just that we count on you for apprehension of criminals, and upholding of law, and-"

"Why the hell's Dad even got royal guards if I'm just gonna be the maid?" Tenshi complains. "Also, this is like, the only time there's ever been a normal human up here that couldn't go toe-to-toe with an army of you guys. Surely you could build like, a fucking table fort or something and have some of the do-nothings stand guard. I know you guys have enough tables."

Tamiko shakes her head. "Such unruliness… Is this what the royal family is like?"

Tenshi nods. "Yeah. Get used to it."

"...Just wait until I tell your father." Tamiko grins. "Then we'll see who gets the last laugh."

"S'what they all say." Tenshi rolls her eyes. "Make sure you go with fifty when you do it. I pissed them off today, too."

Tamiko's grin falters a bit.

I stand up from my chair. "I think it's time for me to hit the ol~... dusty trail, as it were."

"Sit _down._ " Tamiko's voice rose.

"What'd he even do that you couldn't handle? At least tell me that." Tenshi idly stares into the air, looking very much like she didn't wanna be here.

"He stole talismans created for tutoring purposes, and I know not of where he put them. He stole necklaces, as well. The enchanted ones we use to-"

"Protect against shinigami. I'm a celestial, too, dumbass." Tenshi shoots back. I snort.

Tamiko shakes her head again. "The nerve…"

"Again, fort of tables or something. I mean… what am I supposed to do?" Tenshi inquires.

"Take him to the capital and have him tried, as per regulation." Tamiko's hands to go her hips. "Aren't you a celestial…?" She looked like she wanted to add 'dumbass' too, but relented.

"Yes, I'll bring every little human who so much as kicks a stump to the capital just to have a week long hearing about how, when, why, and if he even did it or not. Or, maybe I can save it for the one, _genuine_ blue moon that one of us actually does something awful to one another." Tenshi rants. "While I'm at it, I might as well pour honey all over the courtroom floor. No one'll even notice because it's that slow."

Tamiko sighs. "I'm sorry you feel that way, eldest daughter, but it is simply the way things must be done. To break tradition is to welcome death, I'm certain you realize?"

How does _that_ work?

Tenshi huffs. "Yeah, breaking the mold a little bit will definitely kill you. That's why I'm still alive now, isn't it? Shut up, file a complaint with my dad, and stop being stupid. I'm done here…"

She turns to leave… but stops, and looks at me. "You. You're coming with me, though. And no, I'm not taking you to court. Screw that."

She gestures for me to follow. "C'mon."

...Alright, yo.

I move to follow her, but Tamiko grabs my arm. "I cannot let you take the criminal if you're not-"

Bam!

Tenshi's Sword of Hisou's broadside meets Tamiko's face. Tamiko flies back into the stone wall.

Boom!

...She's fucking _embedded_ in it. Ouch.

"...Let's go." Tenshi jogs to the door and proceeds outside.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

That guy wasn't kidding when he said it got cold! Holy…!

Shivering, I drew Flame Salvo, ran for a stump, and whacked it.

Fwoosh!

It went up in flames. Insta-bonfire!

"It's cold!" I protest the cold in this instance!

Tenshi walked up to the fire, grinning. "You get used to it." She was shivering herself.

Sure you do…

We sat aside one another at the stump bonfire.

"...So, what the hell is a human as weak as you doing up here? Did you piss someone off enough for them to just drop you off here, or what?"

I shake my head. "I made a rocket by building a box out of duct tape and then taping a rocket engine to the bottom. I rode it here."

…

Tenshi doesn't bother to comment, instead opting to just stare at me with an unreadable expression.

I decide to continue. "...Dunno if I should be telling you this, but I came to loot random crap to upgrade my plant hangers!"

"Plant hangers." She confirms.

"Plant hangers." I confirm. "My weapon of choice, yo."

…

She smiles. "Well, at least you're not some generic human villager like I thought you were. That would've been troublesome."

Woo…!

"...You're still debatably insane." She adds, taking a moment of consideration. "...And you're still just a wimpy human."

Daw…

"I also don't know why you wanted to come up _here_ of all places. It's boring."

Well, when you're on the verge of getting gibbed by haughty cloud fairies, it doesn't really seem so boring anymore!

She looks at me more seriously. "...As fun as it would be to just let you dick around and cause mayhem up here, I'm sensing a pattern. You're going to get me called to literally _every_ town on your warpath to the capital, and to be honest, all these towns suck."

Hyonk. She's probably right.

"...So instead, how about I just take you to the capital so you can do whatever it is you need to do there? The only reason I'm helping you is because we'd both have a really shitty time if I didn't."

Hmmm… So far I've only gotten a few things from heaven, for the most part. Necklaces, talismans, some guy's fancy candles…

...and peaches, but we don't talk about that.

"Sure. How's about we do it when it's _not_ piss cold? 'Cause I'm a human who happens to freeze and stuff."

She sighs. "Fine, whatever. Where do you suppose we stay then?"

I point at the church behind us.

"I don't want to give her more to complain to my dad about." Tenshi folded her arms.

Well, shieut.

…

Idea.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Getting to the church of sector fifty is easy with people to carry you!

"Could your hair get any messier? That was annoying…" Tenshi complains about my poofy hair, which probably got in the way while she was carrying me.

To which I reply, "Yes."

I kick open the doors to the church of mister posh yellow-suited dude!

Bam!

"A-aah!" He jumped in surprise from the abrupt violence in the night! "W-what are _you_ doing here!?"

"Crashing." I tell him.

I also just noticed this, but does this guy stand at the podium thing all day? Freakin' committed.

Tenshi walks in behind me.

"E-eldest daughter?" The fancy man blinks in further exasperation.

"We're staying the night. No, you can't protest. Royal orders or something."

...I think we broke him, because he stopped moving after that. He kept blinking, though, so we didn't kill him!

I lie down on one of the rows. "There's also a fluffle infestation." I add. "They're soft, and make soft coos."

The fluffles begin cooing on cue.

Tenshi looks around, slightly curious. "Fluffles…?"

She sees one.

"Oh, the dust wombats."

Dust wombats. Sounds soft…

She lies down some other bench row thing.

"Night."

Good night to you too, yo.

…

These things are freakin' uncomfortable…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I get up pretty quickly 'cause this freakin' bench sucks…

Posh yellow man is polishing his glasses at the podium, looking dissatisfied with life as always.

"I see that you are awake." He observes.

Yo ho ho, dude must have twenty/twenty vision or somethin'. That's why he's always polishing those glasses instead of wearing them!

Looking over at Tenshi, I see that she's still asleep, drooling on the bench.

...Slowly walking towards her, I take out a rubber duckie and put it on her head.

"I would advise that you did not disrespect the-"

"Ah, shut up, ya yellow-coated yellow-bellied… yellow." If this sentence had come out of anyone else's mouth, I'd'ave thought them drunk!

The guy lowers his head. "It is too early in the morning for me to deal with your sheer incompetence, earth child. Do make haste."

Make haste, huh? Oh, I'll make haste, alright.

I walk up to him. "Well, how do you _make_ haste? What _is_ haste?"

...He stares at me blankly. "You're joking, right?"

Yes. "No, dude, like… I keep hearing about this 'haste' thing. Is it really so great? Do I like, spread it on bread, or what?"

"Were I not a celestial, I would be performing barbaric actions right now." Posh man facepalms. "A person like you seems to be what it takes to bring out my more… primal urges."

Woah, no. "Dude, calm your hormones. I don't want your freakin' galactic sperm everywhere."

Posh man seethes silently, glaring at me hatefully. I think that's about all the entertainment I'll get out of him. There's only so many times you can make an overactive person react until it gets boring, and considering he's apparently forced to not lash out or something, he's just going to be redundant.

...Tenshi's still asleep!

I walk up to her, and begin stacking more ducks on her…

...After awhile, she rolls over and they slide between her and the seat's back bit. Now I've gone did done diddly done it!

…I also stare at some things I shouldn't be. Maybe I need to calm _my_ hormones…

"E-ehn…"

She's stirring! Quick, look at, uh…

Some fluffles scurry by!

Look at the fluffles!

I drop to the floor and crawl after it, and end up under the bench thing. Grabbing for the fluffle, I manage to grab it…

"honh" It was surprised!

...My rump was apparently going apeshit as I did so, because the bench was tipping over!

I forcefully move and roll myself out of the way of the back part of the bench, ending up halfway under the one behind it and tipping that one over, too. Tenshi rolls off the other bench and stops next to me, although due to our misaligned position, I end up with my face in her stomach.

...She smells like peaches, apparently. This whole freakin' place smelled like peaches, but it was kinda hard to tell because of the various winds. It's not as windy as you'd think, being a thousand feet in the fuckin' air, but it's still been pretty windy.

Tenshi opens her eyes, and looks down- well, technically down, anyway. "...What are you doing?"

Daa~h… "...Admiring the scent of peaches?"

...The fluffle breaks from my grasp and crawls up her.

"No."

She nimbly lifts her leg, and uses it to push me away.

I tried, yo.

Tenshi got up, and put her hat back on. "All it took was one night for you to get grabby? Even the suitors who've tried me all gave it at least two."

I could explain, but the amount of explanation needed's just not worth it, yo. "Son, my hormones are out of control! I am a lean, mean, sexing machine!"

"Or a virgin." Tenshi adds smugly.

"Or that!" Trust me, with mast- y'know maybe I shouldn't talk about that here. It's a family presentation!

Sorta!

"Anyway, let's go." She lifts me under my arms, and we begin flying.

"Yo, already!?" I need to warm up! It's cold outside!

"Yes. We're not going to sit around and waste time." Tenshi claimed resolutely.

Freakin'...

…

The posh yellow man watched us leave. "About time. They even tarnished my beautiful church!"

He moved to re-arrange the displaced row benches, when fluffles scurried out and got everything dusty.

"...That brat lied about the candles, too! Gaa~h!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We stopped on some deserted sky island of large size. We've flown over multiple towns at this point, and I'm hella wind-chilled…

This sky island had no developments and was off the beaten path of sky islands, it seems.

Tenshi drops me off on the barren sky island, and lands on it herself a few feet in front of me. "...You said your weapon of choice was plant hangers, right?"

Uh? "Yea~h…?"

She pulls one of the generic stone plant hangers from behind her back, and tosses it to me.

Purple stone, huh.

"Were you lying, or was that the truth?" Tenshi props her arms at her sides.

"...It's the truth, I'd say." I get into a combat stance! "Smashing stuff's what I do best!"

Tenshi unsheathes her Sword of Hisou, and takes a guarding stance. "Strike my blade. Show me what you've got."

Oh, boy!

I run at her, and strike the sword.

Clang! Clang! Cla~ng!

"...Are you even trying?" Tenshi frowns. "Is that all you've got?"

Clang! Cla~ng! Clang!

"I hardly even feel it in my arm. Are all humans really this weak? I don't recall that miko being this weak…" Tenshi looks disinterested.

I toss away the stone hanger. "That's it, yo, this calls for heavier firepower!"

I take out Quake Bloomer.

Tenshi's eyes light up in curiosity again. "Oh? Where'd that come from?"

"My ass." I inform her. "It happens to be a black hole where I can just stuff shit in."

I buff myself magically, increasing my attack!

Tenshi snorts. "...That's nice."

I run at her, ready to strike the blade.

Cla~ng! Cla~ng! Cla~ng!

Her arm jerks visibly from each strike, but that's it.

"...Well, I feel those ones at least. You're finally putting punching power into your strikes. Actually…"

She holds out her arm. "Punch my arm."

... I do so, with buffs!

…

"...Was that it?" Tenshi blinks. "Humans really are something pitiful, aren't they? I bet the local phantoms would hit me harder, not that they could…"

You want freakin' hard hits?

I pull out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber. "Get a load of this!"

She guards again with her sword, and I throw it at it.

Cla-Boom!

It slides across the floor, returning to me.

"...Interesting. Probably the hardest thing you hit me with yet, but it didn't even break my guard. What a lame explosion…"

The hell do you want from me, woman!?

Actually…

Pocketing Quake Bloomer, I pull out the Market Gardener, and lift the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber with my free hand.

"You better guard well, because this one's gonna hurt like hell!" I tell her.

She smirks. "You know what? I'll let this one hit me." She turns around and sticks her back out, parting her hair to the front of her. "My back's been a little sore lately. Give it your best shot."

...I test the waters by just walking up to her and whacking her in the back.

Thunk!

"...That better not have been it, because it feels like I just got hit by a pillow." Tenshi is very dissatisfied.

"Hold on, yo. Let me plot the trajectory and things…"

"What?"

Walking back, I ready myself to strike the ground…

She turns around. "You know what, just-"

Jump, crouch, and-

Boom!

I fly through the air, and her eyes widen. She watches me soar through the air towards her, and she turns back around as I near, getting into position again.

Nearing the ground, I bring the Market Gardener right down on her spine.

Bam!

"O-ooaah..." Tenshi moans, her hands shooting up in surprise.

…

"That one wasn't half bad." She admits. "The setup was unnecessary, though. Just hit things that hard every time, and you'll be fine."

Friend, you're right, but there's no way I can get constant guaranteed crits like that. It took a freakin' market gardener hit just to make you mildly satisfied.

"Alright, now do it again." She instructs me.

I shake my head. "Those explosions hurt my legs, yo, and if I miss you I can't take out the momentum on your back and I'll end up just crashing to the floor."

She looks to me in exasperation. "Are you _really_ that flimsy?"

I nod. "Yeah, yo."

"Bullshit." She goes to punch me in the chest.

Bam!

Holy fuck!

I get flung across the island from one fucking punch. That's gonna leave a bruise tomorrow, I'm sure of it…

Her eyes widen. "...Are you made of feathers and silk?"

Ugh… "No, I'm just not made of rocks like you."

A group of cloud fairies floats around nearby, giggling about something amongst themselves. How do they even have fun up here? It's just a buncha freakin' clouds!

Tenshi looks towards them. "...I have an idea."

Oh, boy…

She runs to the edge of the island, and cups her hands to shout at them. "Hey! Dumbasses! Get the fuck over here!"

...The fairies begin firing floaty string of danmaku. They spread out and flutter around in the air like bursts of wind or helicopter seeds.

Tenshi performs a great leap to the other side of the sky island- over me, leaving me in the fairy's way.

"Fight them." Tenshi commands.

I turn to her. "What'm I supposed to do!? What if I fall?"

"Beat them up! I'll just catch you if you fall, so go crazy." She assures me. "I'll just stand here."

Five cloud fairies hover overhead. "We'll get her today!"

"Stupid celestial!"

"How improper of her…"

"She's ours this time!"

"Well, if you guys think we have it…"

Considering there's so many of them, and they're all real high in the air, I'm gonna have to call for a little backup…!

I draw the operating cross.

"London, get over here and kill some freakin' fairies!"

I feel like, a fourth of my mana go into the cross…

London whirls in from somewhere below the platform, clad in her plated armor!

So, good new is that London's gonna kick some ass!

Bad news is that I'm now the main target!

Danmaku death rains from above, although they're firing aimed-ish shots so I can run without too many hiccups…

Three of them break to approach me, and two notice London as it rockets towards them…

"How improper is that!?" One of the cloud fairies points at London.

"I-I don't know… Pretty improper, I guess…"

London fires her signature yellow diamond danmaku, in a diamond pattern.

Pi~chun!

The remaining cloud fairy huffs. "You're so improper!"

She orbits London slowly, focusing fire on her with floaty cloud orbs. They ping uselessly against London's armor.

Now I gotta pay attention to the ones approaching me…!

Stuffing the Market Gardener into my bag, I take out Flame Salvo in turn.

"Come get some!"

Fwoosh!

The fairies are taken aback by the sudden burst of flames, but they still stay kinda high. Freakin'...

I aim the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber at them, and fire the weak lemon pellets of danmaku.

They glide through the air slowly, and the fairies make half-hearted dodging attempts. A few of them even hit them, and they don't seem to acknowledge them.

"What is this good for!?" Freakin' only good for muzzle-flashes in the dark of night!

I look over to London, and see that she's pretty much in a stalemate with that other fairy. London's too slow to hit her, and she's not powerful enough to do anything about London's armor. I suppose I'll just let that persist.

Damn… what can I do here? What weapons do I have…

…

This is a long shot, but…

I switch out the Bawmber for the holy hanger. "You guys mind the sun?"

One of them blows a raspberry at me, and the other stares at her in vague amusement and disappointment.

"Well, prepare to mind it now!"

I hold it up, and channel mana into it.

Flash!

"A-aaah~!" The fairies scream in surprise. London's operations gum up for a moment, oddly, and the fairy fighting her is blinded, too.

Tenshi blinks. "...What was that? Are you casting healing spells on them…?"

Healing? What?

In any case, the fairies flutter around in the air haphazardly. I run to the far side of the sky island, and aim Flame Salvo off the ledge…

Fwoo~m!

...The fairies follow the sound, hovering down to the ground a little closer.

Haha!

I run towards them, the grass muffling the sound of my feet. I double jump towards one…

Fwoo~m!

"W-what!? No, no, no!" The fairy starts burning, flailing her limbs.

The other fairies begin regaining their vision…

"...D-dopple-chan! Do the cloud thing! Hurry!"

"I thought her name was Mara-chan…?"

The two stare at eachother in confusion. Good job.

Pi~chun!

They wince, staring at where their friend once was. "Da~mn, Mara-chan… Shoulda used a wind shield..."

"She's Dopple-chan." The other one corrects.

"Sure, whatever."

I shake my fist at them. "Damn fairies! Get off my lawn!"

The two remaining ones glare at me. "It's not your lawn!"

"It's our lawn!"

"Then get down here and fight me on it! Mano-e-mano!"

…

The two float down on the ground. I ready to fire with Flame Salvo-

Tenshi rips it from my hand. Where'd she come from!? "You said mano-e-mano. That means fists."

Tenshi, please.

"Same goes to you two. Whoever cheats gets their arms ripped off."

The fairies pale.

...She takes my sack and my Bawmber while she's at it. "You get these back if you win."

If I win, huh? Freakin'...

She steps backs. "No flying, no danmaku, no magic powers. Fists. You can kick and stuff, too, just nothing unnatural."

…

The two fairies practice a couple punches, and gaze at me determinedly.

It's a good thing I'm really good at kicking things!

They begin approaching me. Neither of us know how to fist fight very well! However, I have seen one thing they have not… and that is movies! I've also played Punch-Out on the Wii!

...They're also really short, so uh… yeah.

"Get 'em, Mara-chan!" The other fairy shoves her friend forward.

"M-my name's not Mara-chan, either, you idiot!" She keeps her eyes on me as I approach…

She punches at me, and I lift my leg and kick her in the face.

"Ack-..."

Thud.

She landed on the floor. Her friend stepped back.

"Da~mn, Mara-chan… Shoulda used a wind shield…"

I glance at her. "Those're illegal, friend."

"...Shoulda rolled." She criticized anyway.

I walk up to 'Mara-chan the second' and gaze down at her.

She looks up at me fearfully. "N-no! I'm sorry! I'll go away! I'll go!"

She gets up and starts flying away…

The whole island rumbles as Tenshi stomps the floor. A large stone shoots from the ground, and she slaps it with her Sword of Hisou.

Bam!

The stone flies straight for the retreating fairy.

Pi~chun!

…

"Yeah, I'm just gonna go." The final fairy decides. She makes for the ledge, but glances back at me. "I'll be back, human. I will find you… and I will tickle you."

Giggling, she leaps off the ledge, not using her flying to help her as she simply falls from the island, technically not cheating in doing so.

That doesn't stop Tenshi from _charging_ to the ledge, and leaping off after her to finish the job, sword raised in the air like she was gonna stab her in the freakin' heart.

…

Pi~chun!

London won the battle against that other fairy!

I hold up the cross, and point into the sky somewhere. "Flee, London. Before the crazy lady comes back!"

I order London to go to 'somewhere in fucking outer space.' She does so!

I watch her fly off into the aether…

…

Tenshi floats back up, and lands on the platform. "...Okay, I'll be honest, that was depressing."

Hyonk.

"...But. It was pretty fun to watch, I guess." Tenshi nodded to herself. "...What was that thing you summoned? It looked like one of those puppeteer's dolls…"

I nod. "That's 'cause it is, yo. Alice lent it to me awhile ago, testing purposes."

She nods. "Ah, I see. Do you think she'd give me one?"

I shake my head. "Nope."

"I'll have to ask her for one later, then." She decides.

Good luck, friend.

"...Well, this was fun. Are you _sure_ you want to go to the capital? I'll be honest with you: it sucks. Chances are that if I'm not with you the entire time, they're going to arrest you for looking at an expensive wall funny. Everyone's a stiff, too."

Hmmm… "Well, one of my main reasons for coming up here was crafting supplies for my weapons… which I need back, by the way."

Tenshi blinks. "Oh, right…"

...She reaches into my sack, digging around. "What've you got in here, anyway?"

...Clutching something big, she pulls out the hydro cannon I nicked off of Stormy.

"Woaa~h! Where'd you find this!?" She aims it into the sky.

Fwuuu~sh! She uses it to shoot a huge beam of water into the air. "This is awesome!"

"I stole it off the Titanic's other brother." I summarize that entire endeavor.

Fwuuu~sh!

"Oh, ho ho! Yee~s…"

Fwuuuu~sh!

"Why didn't you use this?"

Fwuuu~sh!

"Mana and physical reasons." I add. Considering the recoil's pushing _her_ body back…

"Pfft. You're such a wimp…"

...She puts the hydro cannon down, clumsily trying to get it back into the bag. "What's your name, anyway?"

It's time to give my name!

"Brad. Brad… just Brad." No need to tell her my last name, I guess. I might as well pretend I don't have one at this point.

She smiles. "Tenshi Hinanawi. I take it you know about celestials and all that crap?"

I nod. "Yeah. I had more questions, but I've forgot them." Help, no.

She shrugs. "Well, you can just ask them as they come, I guess."

...An additional figure floats up to the platform.

"Eldest daughter?"

We turn and see Iku Nagae!

Oarfishes are cuddly, and Iku's costume is fluffy.

Tenshi groans.

I walk towards her casually. "Hello, cuddle friend. Hug."

...Iku slowly drifts around me to get to Tenshi. "Your presence is requested at the capital."

Tenshi's face scrunches. "...For what reason?"

"Your father wishes for you to explain your conduct in sectors forty-nine, forty-eight, and fifty." Iku informs her. "I've been tasked with bringing you back."

…

Tenshi sighs. "What if I don't?"

…

"I'll have to follow you until you do, then." Iku decides. "To uphold my duty… and also because I haven't the authority to punish you."

Tenshi turns to me, grinning. "...Do you think you found enough crap up here?"

I got some things and got to see some stuff, yeah. Necklaces, talismans, peaches, and some dude's freakin' candles. I think I could work with that stuff…

"Yeah, I think that's good enough." I nod.

Tenshi lifts me by my underarms, and we begin floating somewhere, Iku following us.

"...That is not the way to the capital, eldest daughter." Iku dejectedly tells her.

"Too bad."

...I dunno where we're flying off to, either, but we seem to be going down.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We land in front of the Hakurei Shrine, Tenshi setting me down before landing herself. Glancing around, I'm able to observe that it is late dusk. The land and horizon around us are a nice, dark blue...

She quickly whispers into my ear. "Waste as much time as you possibly can. It'll be official royal business."

I grin. "You bet your peaches it will!"

Iku stares at me. "...I'm sure you must realize-"

"Royal business, buddy." I fold my arms. "This is an important matter and uh… stuff. Yeah." Hyonk!

Iku frowns. "...Fine. I see how it is…" She narrows her eyes at Tenshi.

Tenshi begins to go towards the shrine proper, but I divert and go to the side. "Ey, over here."

She glances at me questioningly, and we go around to the side of the building, finding my box of duct tape and a char mark on the ground where my rocket took off. By the way, I pocketed the entirety of that rocket. Only problem is that it's missing a lot of tape and, uh… I'd probably need to rebuild the hull entirely to do that again. At least it's just the hull; all the other crap was pretty problematic to gather, too.

"This is where my rocket to heaven took off, yo."

Tenshi nodded. "So that really is how you got up there, huh…?"

I walk over to the box of duct tape, and pull it out. "We're gonna tape some ducks, yo…"

Stealing Marisa's joke since nineteen ninety-eight! Not like they get it anyway, not knowing what duct tape is and all…

I pull it out, and, hmm…

Putting it back in, I.. hmm, I dunno how to do this…

Oh, I know. I take a few rolls, and go in through the side door.

Reimu looks up from her kotatsu. She stares at me a few moments, then her eyes widen in surprise.

"How? How did you go to _heaven_ and come back _that_ quickly? You can't even fly..."

Tenshi walks in behind me.

"...Oh." Reimu is suddenly disinterested. "Her. Somehow."

Iku files in behind Tenshi…

"I won't even ask. If something breaks, though, there'll be hell to pay." Reimu states simply. "That goes double for you, Tenshi." After she says this, I take a moment to notice Reimu had duct-taped the many holes in the shrine my last battle produced.

Tenshi scowls at Reimu, but I continue forward to the kitchen quickly in an attempt to make her hold her comment…

"Oh, please, Hakurei. You still think a human like yourself could match up to the majesty of a celestial like me?" Tenshi smiles condescendingly.

Reimu stares at her tiredly. "Do you _want_ to get beat up?"

Iku stares at Tenshi worriedly. "Eldest daughter, please…"

"I should be asking _you_ that question, Hakurei." Tenshi smirks. "Do _you_ want to get beat up?"

Reimu looks up sharply. "Five cards."

"Very well."

…

They float outside.

I hum a little funeral tune, and Iku stares at me with distaste. "...I have a feeling this is your fault."

I shrug.

"The family of the eldest daughter will be very displeased with you, you know." Iku informs me. "It will be an unpleasant time to be sure."

I grin at her. "Just tell 'em Rusty Shackleford's the name." Probably won't be able to track me down if they follow that weird name!

"Very well." Iku nods. "That had best be your real name… or the one who'll track you down is me."

Note to self: if see Iku again, run the fuck away and hope you can get someone to aggro on her. "No sweat." I give her a thumbs up!

Danmaku violence roars outside!

I walk into the kitchen. In there, the table has been placed back in its proper position.

...I place my duct tape on the table, only to notice Reimu apparently has a stack of rolls on the counter now. No wonder the box seemed a little more shallow…

Iku meanders off to observe the duel. It is time for me… to upgrade!

Stuff to work with:

Holy: Cross necklace basket, holy talismans, and that guy's candles.

Electric: Electric talismans.

Ice: Sapphire.

Where do I allocate these parts, hmm?...

…

I think I'll put the crosses and candles o~n…

The holy hanger, It's about time the bloody thing got upgraded! Considering how much of a boon holy spells seem to be, I think I'd like some more of them.

The sapphire I got earlier can go…

... on Quake Bloomer. I don't wanna mess with the elemental balances of other weapons. Ice and earth go together well enough, methinks.

Electricity's a weird one that I'll have to think about. Nyehh…

As for the last holy talismans, that's another weird one. Holy's a rather powerful element, and I wouldn't wanna wind up with something holy that shouldn't be. I might just hang onto these extra talismans until I know what I wanna do wit 'em...

...I'm kinda curious what'd happen if I slapped holy on Sharper Than Darkness, though. We must cross the streams!

Pulling out Quake Bloomer, I set it down on the table. The sunflower on it seems like, crystallized or something. No wonder it hasn't died yet… it's already dead, just in a magical way! I stuff the sapphire into the center…

The flower turns blue. Is it even a sunflower anymore?

...I wonder what spells that gave me, anyway. I need to go to a fluffle stand and get all my upgraded gear appraised. Praise the appraisals!

...I hold the hanger in a way so that the flower's upside down. The sapphire's not falling out, so I assume it stayed. That was easier than I had anticipated.

Now for the holy hanger, which will not be anywhere near this easy!

Candles and cross necklaces, yo. How do do…

...I try to rip one of the cross necklaces apart, but it glows a faint magenta when I try. Is it stopping me? However, there is a connector at the back, two gold bit things. Fiddling with it, I manage to disconnect the necklace without breaking it into a million pieces. Hmm…

Wait...

I grab the duct tape.

"I know exactly what I'm doing with this…!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I had about twenty necklaces or so to work with! I think!

For the most part, I unconnected all of them- the proper way, mind you- and like, connected the connectors to the connectors of other necklaces. Once I got to the holy hanger itself, I just wrapped the final necklace around the base and lathered it with duct tape. I then also taped two of the four or so candles I had along the ways of the necklace chain of sorts.

...Holding the chain by the taped-on candles, I swung the hanger around like a flail…

Yo ho ho…!

I sat down the hanger on the counter, and proceeded to tape the other candles to the sides of the hanger…

It has become…

...What the hell do I call this, anyway? I'm thinking of 'Vampire Killer', but I doubt this thing could kill vampires… or even youkai. That, and it's pretty on the nose, innit? Not that that's a bad thing, bu~t we could afford some originality…

...Youkai Inconveniencer. Because that's all this thing really is! It's a freakin' mild detriment to whatever they're trying to do, which is probably eat my guts and stuff.

...I flail it around a bit for funsies, but stop when I almost clip the kitchen table. Eheh…

The hammer hanger I shall now call Tundra Bloomer. Tundra because that's kinda related to ground and stuff but still icy… and bloomer is for obvious reasons.

I stash the rest of my upgrades in my bag. I might have some uses for those later…

The door leading to the outside is thrown open, and Tenshi flops in, landing on the floor.

"A-ah…"

…

I hear the other door open, and Reimu walks into the shrine proper. "Honestly… How did you think that was going to go?"

"Uurgh…" Tenshi groaned from the kitchen floor, though I don't think Reimu can hear her in the other room.

Reimu sits at her kotatsu again, looking in at me.

Iku hovers in over Tenshi. "...Well, eldest daughter, I suppose I should be bringing you back, now."

I point at her. "There is one fatal flaw in your plan, however!"

Iku stares at me. "Your interference is unnecessary. Whatever you're planning, I can tell you that it will not work on me."

Time to find out if Youkai Inconveniencer has any new tricks…!

I hold the hanger itself, and channel some mana into it- but the one thing I _don't_ wanna make it do is just flash at her. Maybe if I focus my mana on the candle bases…

...The candles light up. Not with fire, but rays of light.

Iku blinks. "...Those couldn't blind even the darkest of youkai, I'm afraid. You'd have better use in navigating your own closet with it."

I have an actual efficient flashlight now! I guess that's okay.

...I begin swinging it like a flail. "It is, however, a blunt weapon! I can still-"

Zap!

Iku shoots a small bolt of lightning at me, but it strikes the hanger instead and fizzles out.

"Annoying…" She charges her hand again, firing a stronger bolt. I get the idea and aim the hanger in the way, but this bolt's too strong to be negated.

Zhap!

"Woah!"

I fly across the room and land on the floor.

Reimu bolts up from her kotatsu. "Hey, hey, hey! None of that in here! Knock it off!"

She charges in, and Iku glares at her. "I am simply retrieving the eldest daughter, Hakurei. This human was merely in the way."

Reimu pointed her gohei at her. "I don't care, now. No fighting in the shrine, that goes for the both of you. This place doesn't need more unsightly grey patches."

"I'll remember that." Iku nods, going to pick up Tenshi…

"Where do you think you're going with her, anyway?" Reimu folded her arms.

"...Surely you know that I am one of the messengers that must deal with the Hinanawi clan. As my clients, they expect me to maintain certain formalities and standards. I've received a unique task of keeping watch over the eldest daughter, so I hope you would not mind to let me do what is simply my job."

Reimu folded her arms. "...So I'm supposed to let you leave my shrine with a semi-unconscious person and trust that you're not going to do anything bad with her?"

Iku groaned. "Hakurei, need I restate that-"

Tenshi's hand shoots up from the floor.

"...It's too late, now." Iku hangs her head.

"Aa~hh…" Tenshi does some stretches. "...Not a bad showing Reimu. I mean, Hakurei."

Reimu grinned. "Well, now that she's awake, I suppose you'll just have to talk to her yourself, then."

With that, Reimu goes back to her kotatsu to resume relaxing.

...I swing around the holy flail! "Yeaa~h! Thirty chapters in and I finally have a bloody proper flail!"

A gap opens up, and Yukari hangs out. "Honestly…"

I glance at her. "Do we need to break out the tiny hammer again?"

She shakes her head. "With how often you damage the wall, I'm running out of ideas, to be honest with you. I'm also unhappy with that deal you struck with my shikigami… but I suppose I cannot retract the negotiations that proceeded."

...Tenshi and Iku stare at her. Yukari notices them, and stares back.

...Yukari looks back at me. "...Must you always hang out with the wrong crowd?"

I nod. "They're fluffy, yo."

Yukari sighs, and holds up a gloved hand. "You see this?" She opens and closes her hand delicately and deliberately.

Uhh…? "Yeah?"

With surprising speed, she slaps me, sending me sprawling. When I look up from the floor, she's gone.

Tenshi blinks. "...Didn't expect to see her here. You know her?"

I bob my head back and forth. "Daa~h… I guess so. Involuntarily."

I yawn…

Looking into the main room, I tell Reimu of my sleeping plans. "Hey, Reimu, can I use your futon?"

"Wha-... no." Reimu stares at me.

"Can I sleep in your clothes drawers, then?"

"No!" She's glaring, now!

"Can I sleep on the kitchen table, then?"

"N-... _Under_ the kitchen table. I eat there, you know." Reimu huffs.

Score! Better than under the rafters with Suika!

Tenshi folds her arms. "Where'll I sleep, then?"

Reimu doesn't even look at her. "You're not. Just get out and fly home, or something. You can share underneath the kitchen table if you feel like it, though. Or the porch outside." Reimu grins.

Tenshi folds her arms. "Do you take me for some cur?"

"Yes." Reimu nods bluntly.

"...W-well, I'm not!" Tenshi glares at her. "Come, Iku… We are to find our own sleeping arrangements."

"Eldest daughter, we really should be going-"

"No."

Iku sighs.

With that, the two leave.

...I get cozy underneath the kitchen table. "G'night, yo!"

Reimu blinks. "You're actually sleeping down there?"

Pfffft. "I've had worse, friend. I've had far worse." Nothing like the hardwood floor to give your back a fuckin' brusin'!

"...Alright, then." Reimu doesn't protest my decision. She goes back to sit at her kotatsu, probably to be awake awhile longer.

Time for sleepy sleeps, friends…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 30

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Unknown ice spell acquired?

INVENTORY:

Youkai Inconveniencer - Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Yet to be discovered other spell…?

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. Has a very situational instant-death dealing condition that, let's be honest, I probably couldn't fulfil; it's just there for world building. Help no.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives that I mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

Holy Talismans - Provides a holy upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

Electric Talismans - Provides an electric upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out...

PARTY:

Tenshi Hinanawi, the Girl of the Sphere of Neither Perception nor Non-Perception - Royal celestial. Akin to me, is a roving womanchild, except I am a manchild! Healed by holy attacks, and presumably crippled by dark attacks. Lots of elemental resistance and physical resistance, and stamina. Cannot be slain by mortal means and bodily injuries are super uncommon. Her favorite element is typically Earth, it seems, but I also assume she's got a repertoire of holy and elemental spells.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Sword of Hisou - Legendary, ethereal blade that, in its unsealed state, has no corporeal form. It gives the wielder the Scan ability, revealing their weaknesses and resistances. It can change the weather to suit the weaknesses of her foes. It can also use a nigh-undodgeable attack that applies the 'seal of the sword' to a target, inflicting them with massive elemental damage that is the same as the moment's weather. Tenshi can use it to make giant fuck-you lasers of the non-elemental and grievously harmful variety. Also can grant super-armor to the wielder because y'know, celestials need more defense. Might drain mana on physical attack. Can strike ghosts. Only wieldable by celestials, seemingly unliftable and unsummonable by those of mortal and non-divine nature. In short: fucking powerful.

Iku Nagae, the Beautiful Scarlet Cloth - Oarfish youkai with an affinity for electric and wind spells. Is the dragon palace messenger… whatever a dragon palace is. Seems uptight, but it also seems like she's got a pretty stressful job.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Her beautiful scarlet fluff'n'stuffs!

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

fun times friend ahead

finally got some MORE UPGRADES TO MY LOOT, but i still need personal castable spells

a flashlight! woo~!


	36. Drinking the Kool-Aid

(in which we accidentally get slipped some Viagra)

I awaken with a slightly sore throat… that's what I get for sleeping on the freakin' dusty floor.

"Ugh…"

I try to sit up, only to find Ha-chan sprawled out on me, too.

"...Maau~..."

Even though her face was nowhere near mine, chemical breath. Life sucks sometimes, yo.

Sitting up, I wiggle Ha-chan off me and crawl towards the sink. Using the counter to clamber up, I realize once again the sink is not, infact, a sink. It's still just an indent in the counter that can drain water…

The bastards! They _planned_ this! It was all part of their plan!

"Waaa~u…" I wail, sitting back down, defeated.

Ha-chan is up and about and things! "...Brad-kun?"

Hi, world. "H-hello." Voice is dead. Time to bury it out back with the turtle, yo.

"Hello!" Ha-chan cheers, moving to glomp me, assisted by the power of flying so that she never needed to even stand up to do so.

Oof!

"I missed you so much! Where were you? I was trying to find you, and I got blown up, and- and now I found you!" She rubs her face up against mine like a freakin' cat.

Arousal rising! Abort, abort! "H-help, Reimu! I've fallen and I can't get up! I'm being molestima~gated!"

...Reimu slides the door open from the kotatsu room, apparently awake sooner than I, but she just slides it back shut after she sees what's happening.

Actually, my strained voice gives me an idea… "Ha-chan, my throat is going!"

She tilts her head. "Where?"

"Hell," I summarize, "I'm catchin' a cold, yo. I need you to hunt down some medicine for throats 'n' things…"

She cups her mouth with her hands. "Oh, no! I'll find you some medicine!"

She gets up, and opens random cabinets. Unfortunately, most of them have nothing but space and stuffy air, the shrine having just been rebuilt afterall. Where's a handy rafter elixir when you need it?

Standing groggily, I stretch my arms a bit… I think I might be really catching a cold. Pain.

"Go to the forest of the bamboo, find the insane asylum, beat the crap outta every single loonie, and get me some cold medicine, friend." I instruct her!

Ha-chan stops searching through the random empty cabinets and shelves, and turns to salute me. "Aye aye, Brad-kun!"

With that, she rushes out through the shrine's main room, running past Reimu.

...I go to the kotatsu, and sit down at it. "Freakin' fluffy…"

She stares at me. "Who said you could stay here?"

"Me. I'm comin' down with a cold, yo, so you gotta protect me from angry gods and shit. Make sure my skull stays inside my head, and stuff."

Tenshi took this moment to enter!

"I return for my escort, Hakurei!" Tenshi boasts as she enters the room, Iku following glumly behind her.

Should I follow her…? I kinda forgot she existed until now, morning excitement and all. Ah, whatever… Ha-chan'll find me anyway.

I get up to 'escort' Tenshi. "Let us go, burliest daughter!"

" _Eldest_ daughter." Iku corrects.

Reimu narrows her eyes at me. "I thought you said you had a cold…"

I nod. "I _do_ , but… yeah. Life. If I die, yo, I die. It's a cruel world."

Reimu snorts. "Alright, then."

Rising from the kotatsu, I approach Tenshi.

"Let us travel, daughterest daughter. We shall besiege the noobs!" I muster enthusiasm as we continue towards the door.

"...Sure." Tenshi stares at me in confused curiosity while Iku grows increasingly disappointed.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After a wordless trek down the great Hakurei steps of pain and foot trauma, Tenshi strikes up conversation on the path to the human village.

"What's it like?"

"Well, 'it' is like, a state of being, a fung-shui or whatever the hell. Whaddaya mean, 'what's it like'?"

"Having a cold?" Tenshi elaborates.

…

"Pain." I summarize. "Poison. Evisceration. Decimation… It's like gettin' your head lopped off 'n' mounted on a pike! Aaa~h, aaa~h!"

…

"Hmph. Celestials can't catch colds…" Tenshi folds her arms, seemingly pouting.

I snort. "S'dat a bad thing?"

"...I guess. It sounds fun- not like I'd want it, or anything, I think." She takes her sentence to a million different places!

...It sounds _fun_. Alright, yo, have it your way…

We near the village gates!

The guard narrows his eyes as the three of us approach. "...Sir, might I ask why you've brought filthy youkai to our walls?"

Tenshi glares at him. "I am a celestial, I'll have you know."

The guard chuckles. "Hah! Sure, sure… Is he one, too? How about that one over there?" He points at Iku. "Last time we seen a celestial 'round here was in more peaceful times. We can't take no chances now, not on some whelp like yourself."

Tenshi grits her teeth. "Now listen here, human peasant…!"

Iku tries to grab her arm. "Eldest daughter, please, I-"

Tenshi breaks her arm from her hold with ease. "No, I'm giving this commoner a piece of my mind!"

Honestly, I wouldn't'ave thought her the type to call people peasants and commoners.

She props her arms at her hips. "I'd like to speak to your manager!"

The guard freezes. "...Is that a threat?"

"Yes." Tenshi bluntly agrees.

"...So you're committing…" He grins. Shakily, he reaches for his waist…

"...I said yes already." Tenshi flatly replies.

"Die, damned youkai!"

He draws the sword he totally didn't spend like a minute shakily reaching for, jabbing it into Tenshi's gut.

...

...Nevermind that last part. It kinda just awkwardly poked her instead.

Tenshi looked down at the sword, and blushed. "Y-you cut a hole in my shirt! This was made specifically for me, too!"

The guard blinked, stepping back. "N-no way… What the hell kind of youkai are you…?"

Dude, she's a fookin' celestial! Take a hint!

Stomping up to the guard, she reached for his shirt. Dropping his sword, he flailed his limbs at her, striking her face uselessly multiple times.

"Screw you!" Tenshi exerts her rage!

Spinning around, she becomes a colorful whirl as she prepares to throw the guard. Soon enough, she lets go.

"Huuaaa~...!"

The guard's scream fades as quickly as it began as he flew into the horizon, never to be seen again.

Sweet Jesus fuck.

Tenshi claps her hands together. "We need to find their manager. This is unacceptable. Simply disrespectful."

Iku puts an arm on her shoulder. "We need not cause unbidden strife, eldest daughter."

Tenshi grins. "Iku, find their manager."

"I cannot do that, eldest daughter. It is not my prime objective, and I am not under your order by the parameters of said objective." Iku nods as she finishes her sentence.

Tenshi stares at her dryly. "What kind of messenger are you…?"

"A fluffy one." I start doing a little strut as I slowly approach Iku, and she floats away from me just as slowly. Help, no.

Shaking her head, Tenshi begins walking into the village proper. "I'll find him myself, then."

"...Do as you will." Iku shakes her head, expression dry.

Tenshi begins wandering off on her own in search of the village's management, Iku forced to follow her out of occupation.

I move to follow her… but shieut, it's chilly out. It's even colder than this morning, and the morning was pretty cold! I wonder if I can nick a blanket or robe off someone… I mean, I got my monk robes, but I assume those are super suspicious now…

Either Kosuzu or Sekibanki should have something! Maybe I'll even get to wear Sekibanki's coat thing, with the big collar!

I move to visit Sekibanki, deviating from the two heavenly friks.

I'm pretty sure Tenshi will just run around until she finds me later, once she finishes making noise with the village guard. That, or I'll find her; I don't think her inevitable trail of destruction will be hard to miss at all.

Shivering in the light breeze, I make my way to the home of Sekibanki! The quaint house is a rather welcomed sight.

I knock on her door…

…

After about thirty seconds, it swings open. Sekibanki stares at me blankly, and sighs.

"What is it now?"

I smile delightfully. "I am in need of a blanket, friend. Or a coat. Something warm."

She gives me a funny look, before gesturing for me to come inside. Once we get inside… I'm still freakin' cold! Waa~u!

"Stay." Sekibanki commands as she goes into her room.

I hug myself to combat the cold! Ooh, ho ho ho…

Within moments, Sekibanki comes back out with a generic brown hoodie of sorts, like the kind I see on some villagers. I say hoodie, but it's nothing like modern hoodies. It's more like a thick shirt, and it looks like it has a hood, but it really doesn't.

She hands it to me. "Here."

Shakily, I slip it on…

...I'm still cold!

"Jesus, is it like, ten degrees?" Bloody cold!

Sekibanki tilts her head. "...Are you feeling alright? It's not bad out at all. Some villagers are even working with their summer clothes today, for some reason."

...Says the one with a big coat with collar thing. How you don't get outed as a youkai is anyone's guess…

...Also, I am not feeling alright! I have a cold- wait.

I feel my forehead…

…

So, that's why I'm chilly. It's a freakin' fever.

I nod in resignation.

"...Seki?" I address her.

"Sekibanki to you." She coldly denies my informality! "I was relaxing when you came in."

"I have a fever, friend." I tell her. "Help."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I land on my ass outside her door! Friend, why!?

"Not in my house." She tells me. "Not now, at least. Come back tomorrow, when I'm rested."

The door locks.

I bang on it. "Seki, don't do this to me, baby! Seki~!"

…

No freakin' response.

Time to find Tenshi, I might be the one who needs the escorting! At the very least, I could use Flame Salvo as a portable heater, or something. I need some crap to light on fire… but what?

Walking down the road a bit, I look to my left, and see an unlabeled building. Probably a house, so let's not…

To my right… Oooh, a place with paper stuffs on stands!

On closer inspection, it appears to be a newspaper stand. I'm not entirely certain if this place even prints its own paper, so they might just all be tengu newspapers… which is kinda ironic considering the youkai stigma.

I find some issues of the Bunbunmaru!

"How much fer these?" I ask the stand vendor.

"Fifty yen per, sir." The gruff, but formal man addresses me.

...I just take a pile of them. I don't really have the money nor patience to negotiate for them, so…!

"H-hey, sir! Sir!" He runs after me, but I begin sprinting! Oh, this is not fun with a cold, but it can be done!

While running, I contemplate multi-tasking to light the papers on fire, but I don't think holding a ball of flames would be a great life choice.

...We're pretty much tied in terms of stamina and running speed, apparently. Our chase slows to a crawl as we both pant heavily, jogging slower than we could normally powerwalk.

"S-sir… M-my papers…"

I cough raggedly. "U-ugh… No~..."

How weak is this guy? I mean… we're going equally slow, but I have a fever and a cold! He's just a man person. He should be vastly outrunning me right now…

Before long, I manage to come to a scene in the village square!

"Get out, youkai! We don't like your kind here!"

An old man, whom I assume to be a village elder, is holding a rusty blade, pointing it at Tenshi's neck.

"I'm a celestia~l!" Tenshi whines. "Get it through your thick skulls!"

The elder narrows his eyes. "Sloppy!"

He swings with unreal speed…!

Crack!

The sword broke anyway, because Tenshi's defense is just on a whole different level. Both the newspaper fellow and I stop to observe the fight scene.

...The elder frowns. "...That… was just the beginning!"

He draws another sword from seemingly nowhere!

Crack!

As impressive as that sucker-slice was, celestials are OP.

"I'm just getting warmed up!"

Crack!

…

"I-...I'm out of swords." The elder admitted.

…

"...I-I'll go, now."

Without further comment, the village elder slowly and shamefully paced away. The surrounding guards just stared in awe at the scene.

Tenshi gritted her teeth. "My shirt is ripped in four different places now… Fuck."

I walk towards her as fast as I am able to, which is not very! "H-hello…!"

Cough, hack, cough. I'm dying, yo.

Suddenly, the newspapers are somewhat ripped from my hands! The ragged and worn gruff man pulls some from my arms, and I fight for my remaining ones. He eventually takes off with a pile of them, but like, they're all ruined anyway, so uh…

I pick up the few I have left. Maybe I can make a fire with these…!

...Iku walks up to us, holding a lemonade. She doesn't say anything, and Tenshi doesn't even acknowledge she's there.

She proceeds to sip from it.

"There you are. I was getting bored of these human _idiots_." Tenshi emphasized her last word by looking around at the villagers hatefully, and only the guards really caught her glare.

I nod. "Say, uh… I am in need of the medical treatment. Take me to the clinic!"

Tenshi blinks. "What clinic?"

Oh, fuck me.

"...Bamboo forest?" I try.

Tenshi scrunches her face. "Uu~h, the big one to the west?"

"You mean east?" I think.

"...Maybe?" Tenshi's getting just as confused as I am, now!

"Whatever. Help." I cough lightly. "T-throat going…!"

Tenshi stares at me, unsure of what I was trying to imply.

Freakin'... take me to a medical person! You dense heavenly frik! Aaaaugh!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: HANA'S PERSPECTIVE ====

"Forest of loonies, crap on the insane asylum, bamboos on every single one…" I repeat. I have to remember this! Brad-kun's counting on me!

Flying away from the shrine place, I find myself at the lake, because I dunno where the insane asylum is!

I see Cirno and Daiyousei-chan… Maybe they know!

"Hello~!" I call to them!

They float up to me…

"Hello, fellow ice fairy!" Cirno greets me! "How goes the training?"

Uhm… "Good?"

Cirno smiles. "Great!"

Daiyousei smiles at me. "How's life, Ha-chan?"

"Good…" I start, "Brad-kun needs some medicine, but I dunno how to get it. Something about crapping on loonies…"

Both the fairies give me a funny look.

"...I-I think Brad's a bad influence on you, Ha-chan." Daiyousei cautions me. "He's not nice to fairies, I don't think…"

…

I frown at her.

"...So, can you help me, Cirno-chan?" I float in between Cirno-chan and Daiyousei…

"Yeah! Leave it to teach!" She gives me a thumbs up, too, even!

"That's what I wanna hear!" Go, Cirno-chan!

Daiyousei pouts. "Don't just ignore me, please…"

I turn to her. "Apologize to Brad-kun later."

She blinks. "R-really? But-"

"Promise me."

…

"A-alright… alright." Daiyousei-chan sighs. Ya~y!

"So… Where're we going again?" Cirno-chan asks…

Hmm. "Forest of loonies! Beat up the insane asylum! Crap on crap!" I repeat!

Cirno nods, forming a cutting observation. "...I think we're going to a structure!"

Daiyousei sighs. "Okay…"

Off we go~!

Floating through the air, we pass through the forests near the Hakurei Shrine…

"Hold on," Cirno-chan calls out to us. "Eye gotta do somethin' first…"

Floating down to the ground, we find Wriggle-chan-kun… person. She's tending to an ant hill!

She-he-uhm… looks up at Cirno, and leaps back. "C-Cirno! Get away from here! This ant colony was doing just fine without you!"

Cirno pouted. "What do you mean? I can help them!"

"No, you can't! Just get out of here, Cirno…" Wriggle stands in front of the ant colony to protect it from a long winter.

"Fi~ne…" Cirno whines. "Look, we gotta find the insane asylum in the forest of crap!"

Wriggle furrowed her brows. "Since when did you start swearing…?"

Cirno tilts her head. "What?"

"Nevermind…" Wriggle sighed. "Look, what do you want? I don't feel like playing today, Cirno…"

"It's not that." Cirno retorts, "I just said we gotta find the crap asylum in the forest of insane!"

"I don't even know where that is!" Wriggle grasps her head. "L-look, please, not today!"

"...Oka~y…" Awww, Cirno…

...I lean over the ants. "Can I cuddle with them?"

Wriggle's face slowly shifts into a frown.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

O-owww…

"...Honestly, you shouldn't tease others like that." Daiyousei-chen reprimands me as she applies a band-aid to my forehead.

But I wasn't…! They were sma~ll! How was I supposed to know Wriggle didn't want me hugging them!?

Sometimes life's just unfair…

Back at the lake, the three of us sit at the shore…

A wolf lady walks up next to us! "Hello, wolf lady!"

She smiles. "Hello, fairies. How goes things?"

"We need to find the crap forest!" Cirno reiterates.

The wolf-lady blinks. "...Do, um, you mean the bamboo forest?"

Cirno nods. I don't think it means the bamboo forest, but um… at this point I'm okay with any forest, asylum, or crap. I'm sure Brad won't mind if I just crap on _an_ asylum.

What's an asylum?

"...Follow me, then." The wolf lady floats off, staying near the floor as she does so, and we follow her. Cirno begins flying higher, so me and Daiyousei-chan do, too. I dunno why the wolf lady's flying so low.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We reachy the placey!

"Here you are." The wolf lady waves us off as she floats off again. "See ya."

Cirno-chan smiles. "It's the insane land! We did it!"

Daiyousei-chan frowns. "A-are we sure we should be here?"

Uh… "No. But we needy the mediciney!" Whoops. I got carried away, and let the sounds slip into my speech!

"Ye!" Cirno-chan agrees. "...Ye, ye, ye."

Daiyousei sighed. "Cirno, no…"

"Ye!" Cirno beamed. "Ye~!"

She flew into the glass window thingies, breaking holes in them as she flew through them.

"O-oh, dear…" Daiyousei-chan cupped her hands around her mouth.

I flew in behind her through the holes in the windows!

A purple-haired bunny girl raised her rifle, and shot Cirno-chan in the face!

BLAM

Pi~chun!

Oh, no!

She aimed at me…!

"W-wait, don't shoot! Brad needs medicine!"

...Her aim turned to Daiyousei-chan.

BLAM

Pi~chun!

Good riddance. I never liked that green-haired one anyway…

...She aims at me again!

"What was this about someone needing medicine?" The bunny woman sternly demands of me!

"B-Brad-kun! H-he needs cold medicine! Don't shoot!"

...She lowers her rifle. "Alright. If I see you do anything mischievous, though, it's a bullet to the head, miss."

Phew…

She takes a key from one of her pockets, and moves to open the cabinet near her…

It swings open, and she sighs.

"Of course there's none of the common stuff, somehow, but we have stuff like xylenol in surplus…"

Closing the door cabinet door, she moves away from the counter, carrying the large gun with her. "Follow me, fairy. We're looking for some medicine stores."

She walks off down the rightmost hall… Should I follow her? She's kinda mean…

...but Brad-kun needs his medicine!

Before I go, another rabbit girl in a cute little pink dress pops out from under the desk. "Hehehe…!"

She's holding some boxes of things… Hey, actually…!

"Do you have any boxes of cold medicine?" I ask her.

She jumps on sight. "H-holy shit! A fairy fucker! How've the guards not shoot'cha down, yet?" She drops the medicine boxes, and pulls a large mallet from seemingly nowhere!

"H-hold on! I don't understand!" Stop, friend!

...She pauses. "Ya said ya needed medicine?"

I nod fearfully…

She kicks a few boxes aside. "What kind?"

"C-cold…"

"Take yer pick. You do somethin' funny, and you'll be crusin' fer a bruisin'." She lifts her mallet onto her shoulder, looking intimidating…!

...I get on my knees and examine the medicine…

Let's see… Viagra, ibupro-whatsit, xoobafoob… "I-I dunno which the cold medicine is…"

The pink-clad bunny girl looks at the pile of things… "Doc made some cure-all cold shit 'while ago… Should be the uh… Eirinomines. Yeah, real original, I know."

...Dunno what she means by that. I dunno how to spell that, either. "...Does it begin with…"

The bunny girl sighs. "Look- ugh, it begins with E…"

Okay…

"I…"

Ei…

"R… Find it yet?"

Eir… uhm… "I don't see any 'eir' medicines…"

The girl drops her hammer and gets down on the floor with me. "For the love of- okay, let me find it for you…"

She digs around through the boxes on the floor, and eventually gives me one.

"Here. Eirinomines."

I look at the box. So that's how you spell it!

…

I only just now realized all these boxes are in Japanese, and not French. Language is wei~rd…

"Take the- actually, who needs the meds?" The bunny asks.

"Brad-kun!" Yeah!

"Here." She places the Viagra on top of the other box. "It helps, too."

Great! "Thanks, bunny-chan!"

"...Call me Tewi." Tewi-chan lifts her hammer again. "Now get outta here before someone puts a bullet in ya, or a bump on yer head. Like me." She swings her hammer a few times for effect.

I take off with the boxes and bags and things! Maybe not the bags, because there were none, but… I liked how that made the sentence sound!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Halfway over the bamboo woods, I realize something…

Where's Brad-kun right now…?

Static filled my ears as I did that thing… I don't know what to call it.

';,.';"Iku, I know",'.;,';.,'"daughter please"',;.';,.;.;',;.;,.';"Remi, could you"',;.';,.';"and I would like",'.;';,.';,"Seki, baby, please…!",';.';,.

…

He's twenty-three and a half degrees west.

,'.;,;.',;.';,.,'.;',;.';,'.; "met these fairies",';.',;.';"something about taking a crap"',.;',.;"Hahaha!"';,.';,.,'.',.';,';,.'"Sloppy!"',;.';,.

…

Like, thirty-seven degrees down…

';,.';,.',;.';.';,'.';,',';'."Reimu! I came to play, ze!"';,.';,.';,.,.',';."my foolish pupil",.';,';.';"Unauthorized_Access_Of_Sector_6234_Radiocomm_Airway_Commencing_Signal_Disruptors…"',;.;',.,';."I'm bo~red!",'.;',;.

There he is! Let's go, go, go~!

I rocket in his direction!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

I chillily sat next to the campfire of papers next to the village walls…

Tenshi sits next to me, frustrated. "I'm bo~red!"

Too bad! I need warmth, dammit!

…

"I'm bo~red!" Freakin'...

Suddenly, I'm bashed against the village wall by a humanoid missile!

That missile is Ha-chan.

"Brad-ku~n!" She cheers. Stepping away from me, she drops some boxes in front of me, and I fall on top of them.

"Medicine!"

...Lifting them up, I notice the labels are in Japanese. I can't freakin' read 'em!

"Which one's the cold medicine? Are they both cold medicine?" Uhhh…

"No, the Eirinomines are the cold medicine." Ha-chan tells me.

Eirinomines. Well, I know who made them!

"Which box is the Eirinomines?" I ask.

She looks at them. "...I dunno!"

How. "How do you know you got any, then?"

"Tewi-chan gave me Viagra and Eirinomines!" Ha-chan smiled.

Viagra. No one else but Tewi Inaba…

Now, which one is which? One's a pill, the other's a liquid… Yea~h, let's avoid the little blue pills.

I take out the cold medicine. I dunno how much I need; the directions aren't here. I'll just take a little…

I sip a small bit…

…

Nothing yet! It tastes like crap, though, even if my throat and sense of smell is nuked.

Ha-chan pours some more onto my lap, and I catch some with my hand.

"W-what the hell, yo!"

She drops a pill into my hands, too, and it sinks to the bottom of the dark blue medicine goop. No, yo.

"Try it! It'll help!" Ha-chan smiles.

...I'll _pretend_ to try it.

I sip the medicine from my hands, keeping a careful eye out for the pill. I'm trying to drink through my teeth to catch it, but it _is_ a pretty small pill…

...I drink an acceptable amount, and let the rest spatter on the ground nearby. I don't see a pill among it, though...

My world begins spinning! "H-holy fuck… W-what was in that?"

Tenshi stares at me curiously.

"Eirinomines! I think!" Ha-chan explains cheerfully.

That don't help!

Aaaau~!

…

After I lie on the floor a bit, things stop spinning all willy-nilly…

I sit up. "Oof…"

I also feel curious. My throat is fine now, and I'm suddenly warming up… _Really_ warming up.

"Holy, fuck, it's hot now. Well, that's better than freezing my ass off, but…" I dunno. It's a comfy kinda hot…

I look to Tenshi's curious expression as she looks at the crates of medicine. The way her face and her hair compliment one another's kinda cute…

Iku returns from inside the village with a ball of ruined newspapers. "I paid for the ones you stole and tarnished, human."

Iku's not very sociable, is she? Regardless… "I don't need 'em anymore, yo. I got shady drugs." Surprisingly the Eirinomines didn't have any adverse effects of their own, yet. I still don't know if I took that Viagra or not yet…

Iku looks at the medicine, and her eyes widen. "Eldest daughter, no!"

I look, and see Tenshi down a whole bottle of cold medicine. Uh… What the hell'll that do to a celestial?

...Moments later, she was coughing some of it up. "Ack! Ukf, ugh…"

Navy blue liquid dribbled down her chin as she crouched over. Iku rushed to her side. "What were you thinking!?"

"Bwaaahh!"

Tenshi's stomach vacated the area! A blue splat was left on the floor…

"U-ugh… Oww…" Tenshi hugged her stomach. "...N-not fun…"

"Eldest daughter?" Iku patted her on the back. "...You had best be alright."

Tenshi grinned. "T-that stuff… it works g-great!" She spat out some more. "...T-tastes terrible."

Iku furrows her brows. "...What do you mean, it works great?"

"I-it actually made me sick! N-no other poison I know can do that…" Tenshi stood up, coughing violently and clutching her stomach, wincing. "Ouch… I-I'll be fine, Iku…"

"...Personally, you worry me, sometimes, with your fixation on pain, Tenshi…" Iku sighs. "I may be the messenger assigned to you most often, but that doesn't mean I'm not also your friend sometimes."

Tenshi glares back. "I-It's not a fixation on pain! This isn't- h-hold on…" Tenshi leans over on the medicine box and coughs up more goop. "...Y-you don't understand, Iku."

Iku shakes her head. "...Very well, eldest daughter…"

Ha-chan watches the events unfold with me. Now that I think about it, Tenshi's got a pretty nice- why am I thinking that while she's fucking _puking!?_

Oh, no. I think I may've taken that Viagra…!

I stand up with a bolt- okay, maybe I should walk differently, because a certain stiff something is making this awkward!

"Medic! Meee~dic!" I run up to Tenshi and try pulling her along with me, only to not succeed in the slightest, instead falling onto her. N-not helping!

Tenshi looks at me. "What're you doing…?"

She notices _that_.

"...Pervert."

Aaaaugh! "Those pills are for arousal in males, and you're potentially poisoned! We should probably go to the hospital or some shit, du~de!"

Tenshi blinks. "Humans have hospitals? I thought that was a celestial only luxury."

Holy shit. "Do ya ever read books or somethin'? They're fun. They teach you stuff."

She rolls her eyes. "Oh, not this crap again… Books are bo~ring! All they say is stupid history crap and teach about herbs. The only adventurey stories they have are like, picture books, and-and no, I don't look at the picture books still, for your information."

...I was about to go like, 'how dare you' and all that, but considering her description, I think I'd share that opinion. "...Well, when you put it that way, it sounds like heaven has a shitty library."

She shrugs. "...I guess so. You mean there're books that aren't like that?"

…

We gotta go to the clinic, dude. We gotta open the fuckin' internet. We gotta show Tenshi all the internets.

All of them. Anime, porn, fanfiction…!

Video _gaaa~mes!_

"I must show you the world." I tell her, my eyes glistening with emotion. I'm so excited!

Tenshi gives a half-grin, looking south... "Eheh… S-shouldn't we be somewhere more private? Honestly. You're the most bold suitor so far."

I'm excited in more ways than one, apparently. "Not like that, friend. I'd calm my hormones, but that pill doesn't want me to. I mean there's some stuff at the hospital you'd like. Clinic, technically, same thing."

She nods. "Oh, okay. Good. I wasn't really feeling like doing it with someone as weak as you, anyway." Tenshi sighs in relief. "I mean… no offense, but I don't think I could even feel you spank me. N-not that that's important."

Iku cringed, but said nothing.

Let us try it, then- no… no…! Calm your hormones! Check your cis-privilege, self. It is a crime to be a male who gets boners when he is around pretty ladies.

I dunno if I'm using the term 'cis-privilege' right, and to be quite frank, I don't care, either. Buncha bollocks, anyway.

"W-we should get going." I begin, awkwardly walking into the woods.

This is going to be one painfully weird ass walk to the bamboo woods…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We wordlessly walk for awhile, until Tenshi decides to point out how stupid my awkward walk is. "Look, we all know you're turned on right now. Stop walking like you're handicapped."

She doesn't know what a hospital is, but knows what handicapped people are. Freakin'...

I relax my stride. Eheh…

Iku shakes her head. "Have you no shame?"

Well… no. But still, it's not me!

Ha-chan is oblivious, instead giving Iku the stink eye. "Brad-kun did nothing wrong! He just had a cold earlier, is all!"

"I'm sure." Iku ignores her.

Ha-chan, you're not helping the scene, here!

We continue down the path until we reach the place…

"hi friends"

You know. The one.

Fucking fluffles.

...It looks at me. "sorry friend, we dont sell to sex people"

...Motherfucker!

"come back when you are not sex" It tells me.

Turning to Tenshi, it asks the fun question. "would you like to see my wares"

She blinks. "...Sure."

She nudges my shoulder, and whispers into my ear. "Could these things always talk…?"

Tingles in my ea~r! "A-ah… Well, uh, yeah."

Stupid Viagra. There better be an anti-Viagra or some shit.

The fluffle lays out a lineup of weapons on the table. Talk about nostalgia…

There's a spiral lance and shield, an orange lance, and a blue Hisou look-alike.

Tenshi stares blankly at them. "...What are these?"

The fluffle gestures to the spiral armaments. "lance and shield of the valkyrur, forty five million yen" What the fuck. "give wielder immense health regeneration and defense, along with extreme non-elemental mana manipulation"

Tenshi bobs her head back and forth. "Pricy for something that worthless…"

Worthless?

It gestures to the orange lance. "lance of the destroyer; gives 6x damage bonus against structures, and provides immunity to all projectiles, it is twelve million yen"

Tenshi shakes her head. "Only? Garbage."

Garbage!?

The fluffle gestures to the final object. "sword of hisahhhh!" It exclaims. "it gives you tenshe status"

She blinks. "...Tenshe status?"

The fluffle nods. "it increases your luck tenfold"

...Tenshi gestures for it to go on.

"it prevents you from drawing the sword of hisou while you own it; its made of plastic, friend, and is one yen"

Tenshi shakes her head vehemently. "N-no! How do you even have a sword like that? Never!"

The fluffle's smile is gone, replaced by empty space. "im sorry friend"

…

"Let's just go." Tenshi solemnly shakes her head, walking away from the stand. Iku looks relieved she didn't buy anything, and Ha-chan… just _is_.

We eventually reach the edge of the Bamboo Forest of the Lost.

Today's just kinda been one of those groggy, overcast sorta days…

"We should fly." Tenshi proposes. "Walking bores me."

"Flying bores me." I counter. "...I can't do it, either." Hyonk.

"Biased." Tenshi counter-counters! "I doubt anything bores you at the moment."

Can people stop making puns at the expense of my boner!?

I look to Ha-chan, who is giggling to herself apparently. "Hehehe~!"

…

"What're you doing?" I ask her.

She jumps, turning to me. "Oh, I was just thinking."

…

Sure.

Iku shakes her head. "She's been doing some form of magnetic sound reception, but I don't know how she does it. Us messengers are not unfamiliar with the idea… but none of us have put such into practice. How she does it is a mystery to even me."

Oh, nope, fuck that. Fucking magnets, dude.

Ha-chan glances at her, equally confused. "...Wha~?"

Iku shakes her head, disappointed in us.

Someone leaps from the bushes. "Well, well, well… Look what we have here…"

It's a wolfman!

"A delightfully easy to detect human… with a fucking boner." He looks at the other three… "No wonder. He's got some real babes with him!"

Who wants to place bets on how long it'll be until Tenshi blows him up?

"While I'm here, I think I'll take… this one!" He leaps towards Tenshi, and grabs her.

...He attempts to lift her, which proves to be a futile effort as he pulls and pulls, but Tenshi doesn't even budge.

She grabs him by the neck. "You're scuffing my clothing, mortal."

She throws him straight up into the air.

"Aaa~h…!"

…

Um… is, uh… "Is he comin' back down?" I look up, shielding my eyes with a hand.

"Probably not." Tenshi smugly adds.

I turn to Iku, and she nods, drawing a line across her neck while looking somewhat solemn.

Well, rest in fucking pieces, wolf dude. Hopefully Eirin finds you and makes a wolfenstein out of you, 'cause you're gonna get gibbed on landing.

Tenshi is literally the embodiment of all my Gensokyian escorts. Impossible to kill, and literally just flings all the bad guys around the place like bad G-mod props. Except Tenshi is literally just totally untouchable, unlike Reimu or Sakuya or others who actually, y'know, had to _try_ to not get beaten up, even if only loosely.

...Oh, my god.

Tenshi's like a Mary Sue version of me, except edgier, and even more of a do-nothing!

Oh my _go~d!_

More rustling in the bushes!

Here we go…

Mokou comes out!

Oh. I was expecting Revenge Of The Wolfmen: Part 2. This works too.

"...You get your ass lost again?" Mokou stares at me vainly.

I nod. "Yes. Help, friend. We are… afflicted with ailments." To put it lightly!

Tenshi elaborates, despite my wishes. "He has an undying boner, and I drank gallons of deep blue cold medicine. We need help."

Mokou blinks, then confirms whether or not Tenshi's statement was true with her eyes. "...Holy crap, I didn't even notice that. Huh. I assume it was from a drug?"

I nod.

"Good. I would've ripped your dick off otherwise." Mokou threatened.

...I feel intimidated. Legitimately, now! It's intimidatin' for reals! I would ask for context on that, but for some reason, I feel like that'd be a bad idea! I dunno 'bout you!

Tenshi gives her a funny look, Ha-chan is suddenly frowny, and Iku… doesn't react, she's just totally indifferent.

We quickly progress to the manor- I mean, ah, fuck it. Bamboo forest palace place! I don't even know, anymore…

"Here you are." Mokou sees us off. "Don't rape any rabbits in there, you."

Son.

Mokou grins as I give her a judgemental stare, and begins to walk off.

...Tenshi comments on her as soon as she's gone. "She doesn't get many men, does she?"

I turn to her. "You don't get many men, do you?"

She rolls her eyes. "Please. I've had sex plenty of times."

Iku facepalms.

Not the words I needed to hear while on Viagra, thanks.

We go inside and up to the front desk…

Reisen is there, shoving some boxes into a medicine cabinet. "...Hello, just a moment…"

They happen to be boxes of cold medicine and Viagra. I can tell, because they're translucent and I can see the crap on the inside. Navy blue bottles, and little blue pills.

"Hi, friend." I greet her! I make sure to hide my sitchiation under the counter…

"...Oh, it's you." Reisen turns to me, and sees the crew behind me. "... That fairy, apparently. I was planning on shooting you because you ran off."

"Some nice bunny named Tewi gave me the medicine!" Ha-chan told her.

Reisen groaned. "Great…"

I put my hands on the counter. "Medic! My dick!"

…

"We have a small problem!"

…

"What is-" Reisen began.

"That must be seen by the doctor!" I add awkwardly.

…

"What is the problem, sir?" Reisen's expression is now more vain.

"She drank a few bottles of your cold medicine stuff…" I point to Tenshi, who waves.

Reisen's mouth is slightly agape. "O-oh…"

"And I took Viagra, and now I have an erection I never asked for! Do you have anti-Viagra?" I ask her.

"...No." Reisen told me. "You're gonna have to wait it out, or something. A-aside from that, she downed how many bottles of medicine now?"

Tenshi put a finger to her lip. "Um… like, four? Five?"

Reisen's jaw dropped.

"...S'that bad?" Tenshi tilts her head.

"Y-yes, very bad! You'll need operating right away! You're lucky to be alive!" Reisen wails. She runs around the counter, rushing to Tenshi's side to pull her along, only to fall over from the unexpected force Tenshi's presence bears once she attempts running away with her arm.

Reisen slides onto her bum.

"A-auuu…"

She gets back up hastily, and pulls with less force. "C-c'mon…!"

Tenshi shrugs. "Fine, fine. Just chill out, already."

They walk off down a different hall…

…

I look to Iku, who begins moving for a waiting chair. That's the boring decision…

Ha-chan stays near me, being absent as usual.

Well, this is gonna suck. That last word gave me weird thoughts.

Shieut.

I go behind the counter, and take out a piece of paper and a pen from a drawer…

"You shouldn't be back there." Iku advises me.

What're you, my mom? That'd be funny actually, 'cause uh…

I write "Went to Kaguya's room, ask Reisen for directions." on it in my excellent chicken scratch. I leave the pen behind and head on over to Iku, giving her the note.

"Tell Tenshi to read this. If she can't read it, read it to her. If you can't or don't want to read it, have Reisen read it. If none of you can read it, then tell her to go to fookin' Kaguya's room! Someone should understand that."

Iku looked up at me blankly. "...I'm a messenger, sure, but I'm not _your_ messenger."

The fuck is your occupation, then!? Fluffy cloud person!?

Yeah, whatever, I'm gonna go find Kaguya….

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Holding a fluffle over my crotch, I enter the room…

"You're supposed to _shoot_ the snipers!"

"I am, bitch! I am! What do you think I'm trying to do!?"

Kaguya and Mokou are on the couch, again, playing some sort of game. How Mokou got over _here_ from walking away in the woods, I'll never know.

Mokou looks up at me, then down at the fluffle. "...I see you never got your problem fixed. Why'd you come _here_ , then?"

Eheh… "Well, according to bunny-ears down there, there _isn't_ a fix."

"...Ah." Mokou goes back to looking at the screen.

"What the hell are you two going on about!? We're getting the shit sniped out of us here! Do something!" Kaguya yelled.

"Shut the fuck up already!" Mokou hollered back.

...I move behind the couch to observe the game. It looked like Call of Duty, or something. Something modern!

In moments, though, they both died, presumably sniped to hell.

"..." Kaguya seethed, eyes narrowing gradually as she folded her arms.

Mokou sighed. "Well, that sucks."

"You suck." Kaguya takes the easy way out.

Mokou rolls her eyes.

…

"So, what was this problem you two were bickering about?" Kaguya asks, vaguely disappointed by Mokou's lack of a response.

"He's got a boner." Mokou puts it bluntly. "Drug-induced."

Kaguya grins. "Oh, great. He's standing behind us, too. For all we know, he's going to jack off to us while we play."

That statement amuses me for some reason, but I can't put my finger on it…

Mokou turns to her. "You're disgusting."

"What? It's true!" Kaguya retorts. "It's called a cam show!"

"Just restart the fucking level!" Mokou barks at her, readying her controller.

...The fluffle starts to try to wiggle out of my hands. "im a loofa"

Freakin' nuggets.

After awhile of watching them retry and fail the level, I take out my 3DS…

The light's blinking red! Oh, shit!

"Kaguya, you got a spare 3DS charger nearby?" I toss the fluffle aside. Who has time to worry about arousal when their 3DS is about to freakin' eat it!?

Kaguya and Mokou's characters get blown up at once by a hilariously overkill amount of explosions for no reason.

"...Told you to set it to hard." Mokou muttered.

...Kaguya turns to me. "I blame you for that. Yeah, the chargers are in the fourth cabinet to the left in my desk. Make sure you open the _fourth_."

I move to the cabinets, and open the fourth. It's literally filled with just 3DS chargers.

I take one out, plug it into the nearby surge protector, and plug it into my 3DS…

There we go.

Ha-chan finally floats into the room, and moves across the screen while the two immortals attempt to play their game.

"What the hell!?" Kaguya tries to look around her and ends up butting heads with Mokou, who tried to do the same.

"Ah, fuck…" Mokou grasped her head.

"N-not cool…" Kaguya clutched hers.

"Hey, Brad-kun!" Ha-chan greeted me. "Is everything better, now?"

Not rea- well, kinda. "...Sorta." Got rid of cold: good. Got an eterna-boner… not so good! I don't even know how long this lasts… but it should die down in under four hours! At least like, one hour has passed, so~... Three hours? Oof.

...Must...combat...my lewd thoughts!

Tenshi walks into the room. Hehey, she made it!

"...The doctor told me to get out because I was a celestial, and that I didn't need treatment." She huffed. "She said my reaction was normal because the stuff was potent. I think she's _wrong_." Alright, friend, chill out.

Tenshi's pouting face is kinda- for fuck's sake! My mind must be quelled with hellfire!

Ha-chan floats closer to her. "Now, now. The early bird catches the worm…"

She floats up to Tenshi, and begins patting her on the back.

…

"What?" Tenshi is confused.

"Shhh…" Ha-chan shushes her gently.

…

The quiet patting goes on for a few more awkward moments, until rage happens.

"Fu~ck!" Kaguya tosses the controller on the floor, and it bounces like a foot off the ground. Jesus…! "Damn it! Fuck legendary mode!"

Mokou grins at Kaguya's outburst. "...It's just a game, y'know."

"Just a game?" Kaguya turns to her slowly. " _Just_ a game!?"

Mokou tenses up, preparing for combat. "...Yeah. What of it?"

Kaguya readies herself to pounce on Mokou, but Tenshi steps in, grabbing her by the arms. "Hey, hey, knock it off, you two!"

Kaguya's limbs strike Tenshi, but she's unaffected.

...Ha-chan catches up with Tenshi and resumes patting her on the back, to her further puzzlement.

Eventually cooling down, Kaguya slumps in Tenshi's arms. "...Fuck."

Reluctantly, Tenshi lets go of her, and she flops on the couch face first. Kaguya's got a pretty nice- okay where's the blindfolds when you need 'em? I need like, a blindfold, some brain bleach, and freakin' sedatives.

Mokou finally acknowledge's Tenshi's existence. "...Aren't you that celestial person? Tenty or somethin'?"

"Tenshi." She sternly corrects.

"Alright, alright, sheesh…" Mokou looks back at the screen. "...Kaguya, there a multiplayer mode or somethin' on this one?"

"Mmph." Kaguya mumbles from the couch cushions.

Tenshi burps.

"Aa~ww! She burped!" Ha-chan cheered at the results of patting.

"W-what did you just do to me...?" Tenshi rubbed her back, slightly weirded out.

Mokou shrugged. "Guess I'll look through the menus myself, then…"

After a few moments of calming down yet still being very confused with one another, we all sit down in front of the TV for some split-screen multiplayer. Except for Ha-chan, because she can't work a controller to save her life… I mean, she respawns anyway… but my point still stands.

She cuddled with the fluffle from earlier that I brought in, standing behind the couch. Tenshi was on the far left, Mokou was on the far right, I was seated between Kaguya and Mokou, and Tenshi was seated between me and Kaguya.

...That's like, one of those riddles from middle school where they try and make you guess the sequence of things. I'm sorry, here's a list from left to right as if you were behind the couch:

Kaguya, Tenshi, me, and Mokou.

...Much better, innit? Wahaha~!

Kaguya hands a controller to Tenshi, who rotates it curiously because she's never seen such an alien device before.

She tosses a controller overhand to Mokou, who catches it flawlessly.

She nudges mine in a precarious location between my legs, very blatantly brushing my uh… freakin'...

"You're not helping, yo!" I'd fold my legs, but this couch is so small! There's only two cushions, and-and waaaugh!

Kaguya grins. "What's wrong?"

You _know_ what's wrong, ya fookin'...

Mokou groans. "Stop being a pervert, Kaguya. We don't need any spontaneous sex while Ten-, uh, Tennie and I are trying to play."

" _Tenshi._ " Tenshi repeats louder. "...By the way, what are these things?"

Kaguya's perverse glee turns to dread in an instant. "...I'm sorry?"

Tenshi's holding her controller upside down. "...Are these… W-what are these?" Tenshi blushes as she asks.

...Kaguya turns to me. "Who the hell do you keep bringing?"

"Friends." I smile.

"Yeah, that judge you brought was definitely a _friend._ " Kaguya nods. "Next time you should bring Reimu, or maybe even that purple mage girl, whatever her name was. They'd be _great_ for gaming."

New objective, that I'm going to forget about!

...Kaguya rips Tenshi's controller from her hands, and plucks it back into a proper position. "You hold it like that, you press buttons. Figure the rest out. I'll help you if you fuck up hard."

Tenshi gives her one of _those_ looks. "...Thanks, I guess."

We get to a menu where there's four screens…

"Alright, pick your loadout, guys." Kaguya tells us.

I feel kinda weird being pressed against two girls so closely… and I think everyone knows how weird! Some gaming should take my mind off of things…

I look at the loadout menu!... Not a lot to be said, it's like most loadout menus. I take some times to experiment with things, and I give myself a comically bad loadout. Kaguya and Mokou blaze through the menus, and Tenshi… is experiencing video games for the first time…

There seems to be a dissonance in skill levels here!

"...Okay, look, just press start." Kaguya tells her, shaking her head.

"...Which button is that?" Tenshi furrows her brows at the controller…

"The button that fucking says start!" Kaguya yells.

"The controller's in English!" Tenshi retorts. "I can't read English!"

"Fucking… The middle-most button!"

Tenshi presses the XBOX button instead of the start button.

"You've gotta be _shitting_ me." Kaguya's jaw drops. "Dude… The arrow-like one. C'mon…"

Tenshi presses it, confirming her loadout, and the rest of us follow.

The game begins!

Alright… R is to shoot, as usual. Upper right trigger…

Boom!

Throws a grenade! Sticks move, A jumps (not that jumping like six inches does anything productive), everything else is just kinda freakin' useless guff like weapon switching, reloading, so forth…

Tenshi's character is walking in circles and shooting at the floor.

Kaguya shakes her head. "Look, the right stick moves the camera, the left moves the guy."

"W-what?" Tenshi is in awe at the screen. "What is this… sorcery? Those images…"

"Ho~ly fuck, you're a caveman." Kaguya gives up. "...Well, while you get acquainted with the wheel, we're going to actually be playing."

Throughout the game, Tenshi adapts to things surprisingly fast because she's not clinically retarded like some fairies we know, but the artifacts of never touching modern technology of such a caliber before still show, such as unable to synchronize camera and character movement well or recognize situations to perform certain actions. This is actually really interesting, all things considered.

Gunfire is heard from the TV, and Kaguya's character perishes.

"Fuck." She rattles off a single swear.

I see her respawn right in front of me. You all know that moment, the one where someone spawns _right_ there, and it'd be a dick move to kill them but you want to do it anyway because their reaction'd be glorious.

Ratta-tat-tat!

"Fu~ck…" Kaguya grits her teeth.

Shortly after, someone else gunned Kaguya down. I dunno who, though.

"Damn it!"

I found Tenshi's character! I gingerly approached it, and threw a grenade at the floor. We both blew up.

"He~hehaheh!" I am amused!

"What?" Tenshi doesn't know what happened there, exactly.

"Goddamn it!" Kaguya makes her presence known! She curls her legs onto the couch, making us near her shift a bit from the disturbance in the couch cushions.

It also makes me think about her legs, even if they're covered by a long skirt. I need to stop thinking about things!

I look at Mokou's screen like a dirty, dirty cheater and see that she's just sitting in a sniper's nest. She takes aim…

Blam!

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" Kaguya sits cross legged now, invading both the space of Tenshi and myself.

Hormones, no!

Mokou snorts silently next to me, grinning at the screen.

I decide to toss grenades wildly into the air!

Kaguya dies again, somehow.

"Hnnngh…!" She not-so-silently seethes as she throws caution to the wind and spreads out on the couch, splaying herself across literally everyone's laps.

I end up with her torso.

…

Holy shit, boobs!

"Hey, get off…!" Mokou glares down at Kaguya's face.

Tenshi stands to try and disrupt the situation, but Kaguya just flails her legs under her…

...so Tenshi sits down.

"Ooo~uch!" Kaguya wails, writhing as her legs were smooshed under Tenshi's arse.

I'm having too much of a fun time with Kaguya's torso…!

"I gotta go." I announce. "I-I gotta go. I gotta get outta here!"

I stand, and get up on the back of the couch. The entire couch tips backwards…!

Bam!

"Woah!" Mokou slides across the floor, Kaguya rolls over all of us, and Tenshi's head thunks against the floor. She seems to not care about that fact, though, so I assume she's perfectly alright. Ha-chan just moves back away from the couch, even though she _could_ have prevented the fall.

I scramble out from under Kaguya and rush to the nearby bathroom!

I slam the door.

…

Tha~t's the closet. Big closet, by the way… but it's still the closet.

I open the door, then kick it the rest of the way open. "Hey, where's the bathroom?"

"...Over by the computer, left. That door."

I look towards it.

"Yeah, that one." Kaguya confirms for me.

"Thanks… I gotta go!"

I rush into the bathroom, and lock the door.

…

I hear them through the door! "He's jacking off." Mokou assumes.

Kaguya grins. "Because I'm just that beautiful? Maybe _I_ should be a cam girl, then…"

Mokou shakes her head. "Because he's on Viagra. And no, you'd burn people's eyes out."

Kaguya's ego slowly deflates. "...Bitch."

Tenshi sighs. "Are you two always like this?"

They turn to her. "Shut up."

Surprisingly, Tenshi actually slinks back a bit. "A-alright…"

…

Ha-chan comes back out of observation mode. "What's 'jacking off' mean?"

Kaguya grins.

Mokou cringes. "Ah, shit…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

No man needs to know what happened in that bathroom. It is between me, myself, and the rubber ducky that was nearby.

Lemme tell you, that rubber ducky's seen some shit.

The crisis has been averted. The war's over. Except not for that rubber ducky, oh no, that rubber ducky's gonna be havin' flashbacks for a _long_ fuckin' time.

...To compensate, I set up multiple rubber duckies of my own around it to comfort it.

"Bonus ducks!" I exclaim, walking back out into the bedroom/entertainment room.

Everyone is gathered around the computer! Ooh, ho ho!

I approach them to see what the situation on the fluff 'n' stuffs is…

Tenshi's mouth was agape. "T-technology can do this…?"

"Indeed!" Kaguya grinned. "Gaze, and be amazed, cavewoman…!"

I look over Kaguya's shoulder, and I see porn. However, I did not react to it for a multitude of reasons! For one… the Viagra's run its course, so no more inappropriate happenings! Two… it's just not very good porn. Also, group setting. That helps calm the hormones.

"...What _else_ is there?" Tenshi asks, mystified.

"There's plenty more things to enjoy from a personal computing device than pornographic content!" Kaguya goes full formal-princess mode because presentation time. "One can do a wide variety of amazing things, including listening to music, playing games, and watching movies!"

Tenshi really only caught the first one. "...It's not an instrument, surely?"

Kaguya's excited gaze turns to disappointment. "My words are lost on a barbarian such as yourself…"

Mokou begins heading for the couch again. "Maybe you should try 'splainin' to her in Japanese, Kaguya." Mokou jabs at her formal tone. "It wouldn't kill you to drop the princess act."

"Hey, fuck you." Kaguya breaks character to retaliate against Mokou. "A-anyway, it plays music through these things called 'speakers'..."

Tenshi just furrows her brows. "...What does public speaking have to do with music?"

Thud.

Kaguya slammed her head against the computer desk. "I'm done. You suck."

...Getting up, she turns to me. "You. No more boner?"

I nod. "No more bone zone."

"Fuck. Well, show her."

Wat. "Show her…?"

"The world."

...Say no more!

I sit down, pop open some Touhou music, I mean, what _else_ would you play in Gensokyo, and unplug Kaguya's headphones so that they go through the external speakers instead.

The theme playing was Tenshi's, appropriately!

"...Huh. It plays music, afterall. Somehow. Doesn't sound as good as a band or bard's performance."

I nod. "Well, electric nonsense. I don't know the science behind speakers and data and stuff, but I do know quite well how to utilize it!"

"Because using a device that does everything for you is hard." She jabs, grinning.

I tilt my head. "Oh, it's not the standard application I'm tryina hint at, here…"

Tenshi blinks.

Moving on… "Movies, yo!" Run random Touhou MMDs!

Tenshi stares for a few moments. "...Is that… Reimu and Marisa? They look… indescribably malformed."

"It's called three-dimensionally modeled… models. Son." Something something animated!

She stares at me. "...I don't get it."

Me neither, sometimes…

"...You've already seen video games. This just does it different, that's all you probably need to know…"

She nods. "...I wish I had one of these back in the palace, so I could fool around with it."

Kaguya's interest is caught from the couch. "Palace?"

Tenshi nods. "I'm the eldest daughter of the celestial royal family, I'll have you know."

…

Kaguya sighs. "Of course you are. Why _wouldn't_ Brad of all people bring random members of royalty to my bedroom every other day?"

As fun as getting slipped shady drugs, fighting a cold, and doing shadier things in an alien princess's bathroom was, I think I've had my fix of insanity here…

It's actually surprisingly late in the day now, even though the day literally started at the beginning of this chapter!

A gap opens wide open in front of me!

"Yo!" I call into it!

Yukari rises from it.

"You."

She tosses me a pair of boxing gloves.

"Me."

She puts on her own pair of violet boxing gloves.

"Let's do this."

Oh, boy! It's Punch Out time, yo!

Yukari puts up her dukes, smiling as innocent as someone as powerful as her can.

"It is time to go to war." I announce, approaching her with my own fists raised…

She sends a punch towards my face, and I do a half-assed block/dodge at the same time, but she just gaps her arm to hit me in the back of the leg, forcing me to kneel.

"Ah- hey!"

She then punches me again right in the back, forcing me to the floor.

She steps on my back with a heel. Oof!

"I wi~n!" She announces, raising her arms in the air.

Just as quickly as she appeared, she was gone.

…

"What the fuck." Kaguya stated.

...That heel mark on my back actually stings a little.

Ha-chan keeps slipping off without me noticing! I don't know where she even is right now, and I just noticed she was gone again!

...My first guess is the closet!

I open it to find all of Kaguya's clothes strewn about, and Ha-chan has a coat hanger around her neck for some reason. She hasn't choken herself, though… yet.

"...Hi, Brad-kun!"

...I close the door on her. I'll let her have her fun.

I think I'll sleep here, for tonight! Preferably on the couch or something…

Kaguya and Mokou start bickering over the game on the screen again.

"We do Capture The Flag, and that's final." Kaguya folded her arms.

"Only 'cause you play the team closest to the fucking flag!" Mokou retorts.

...It's gonna be awhile before I get to even find somewhere to sleep.

"...What's a resolution?" Tenshi asks, doing _something_ to the computer.

Help, no.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...Groggily, I rise from… where the hell am I?

I don't wanna open my eyes yet…

...I feel shifting on me. Well, suppose I have to, then. Make sure I'm not getting eaten by an angry sofa or anything…

I find myself in a pile of Kaguya's clothes, Ha-chan nuzzling up to me. She's actually moreso cuddly right now than anything else, it seems.

"...Maaau~..."

...Her breath still smells like chernobyl, though!

Not-so-gracefully sliding her off me, I get up and exit the closet…

Tenshi's half-embedded in the floor, the bit she's on sinking in her shape. The hell'd she do to it!?

Kaguya and Mokou are piled up on the couch, freakin' mangled up in tangled up knots. They'll probably kill one another when they wake up like that.

...I unplug my 3DS from the charger. Good as new, except still has dust on the screen, and dirt marks around the buttons and the circle pad! Okay, maybe not so new…

...Wait, if the fourth drawer is just full of chargers…

I open the third drawer, and find controllers. Hmm.

I open the second drawer and find…

Ahem.

'Vibe Scepters'.

I'll let you be the judge…

First drawer is~... nothing in particular! Knicknacks, paddywhacks. A picture of… Kaguya herself. What a stunning family photograph! I'm sure Kaguya misses her, yo.

There's a fifth drawer down here… and inside…

Nothing. There's a fluffle, though. Probably the one I let get away.

"im a loofa"

Yeah, it is.

...I close the drawer. Dusty fluff can stay dusty.

She has a bin of just game controllers next to the desk. I reach in and see even N64 controllers, even though she owns no N64. Curious…

I take out an NES remote of the like, twenty. Consider it a souvenir… but the main reason I'm taking it is because I wanna tack it onto a plant hanger and see if it does cool shit.

Imagine if controllers became youkai after a hundred years. Wouldn't that be some shit? Just a hundred years of playing your games as some youkai magician and suddenly boom! All your controllers are anime babes now who make moans when you press them!

…

I have too much time to myself. Pocketing the NES controller, I get ready for takeoff.

But first…

I leave a note for Tenshi, discerning my whereabouts or lack thereof!

...Actually, I'm getting ideas for this controller already…

Moving to the window with my flail out, I break it open again-

Smash!

-and leap outside!

I slide down the roof, leap near the edge, and glide by molesting the Vortex Hanger to make its flutter shit kick in.

Thud.

Oof!... I'm fine.

Alright… I think I'll head to the Hakurei Shrine first, see how Reimu's doing and all the things.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Touching down at the stone steps once more after an uneventful and chilly morning flight, I enter the Hakurei Shrine…

Reimu is bundled up inside with mittens. Surely it can't be _that_ cold?

She sees me enter. "...What're _you_ doing out right now?"

Hmm? "...Going about business as usual?"

"It's about to snow." Reimu notes. "Can you not tell?"

Ahah… no. "Nope. I'm not a farm girl like you, Reimu."

She sighs. "What? It's the dragon statue in the village. The color of its eyes indicates the weather for the upcoming day."

How'd I even see that, then? "...I was not in the human village as of today, y'know."

Reimu shrugged. "It still _looks_ like it'll snow."

...I guess. Yeah, it does, now that I think about it. Wasn't really thinking about weather.

"...Hey, do you know what the effects of Viagra are?" I ask Reimu.

Her gaze sharpens. "...Why?"

"Because I was slipped a fast one the other day, and I dunno about you, but I don't think Viagra's supposed to be a 'fuck everything' sorta drug." I elaborate.

Her gaze goes back to normal. "...Oh. I don't know of your familiarity with it, but it's mostly an aphrodisiac and organ stimulator."

Ah…

…

Wait…

"...You came up with that info awfully quickly, Reimu." I notice.

"Think nothing of it." Reimu adds. "Shut up."

"Bu-"

"Now."

Well, frik. Guess she's used it, perhaps? I can't say for certain.

I look outside, and it has begun snowing. Is it really cold enough for that?

I voice this concern to Reimu! "...Is it uh, _really_ cold enough for it to snow?"

She nods. "It typically feels warmer out when it's snowing, unless the winds are cutting. They're really not right now, so it's not so bad out. Still…"

Mmm…

Watching the snow pick up a bit, I move towards the kotatsu to sit.

…

"You had better not be-"

"I'm not stayin', yo, I'm just chillaxing. Snow is fluffy."

…

"Yeah, I suppose it is..." Reimu agrees.

...

"Hey Reimu~! I came to play, ze!"

Reimu sighed. "Great… there goes my quiet morning…"

The shrine's door slid open, and Marisa floated in casually, riding her broom.

"Hey, he's back! How was heaven?" She floats around the kotatsu, gazing down at us.

"White and fluffy." I tell her. "It was mortifying, because there were fluffles there, too."

Marisa stopped floating. "What!?"

"Pain."

Marisa finally touched down and slipped under the kotatsu. "That's some crap, ze…"

Hmm… "Say, how do people go to heaven, anyway?" I question.

Reimu shrugs. "Some people go there when they die. Others go up there when they're alive. I don't get it."

Marisa shakes her head. "Not a clue. Why, you thinkin' of ascendin' or somethin'?"

"Not really. One of their tour guide recruitment hooligans was lecturing me on the nature of celestial ascension, and was like 'we pick everyone'." I explain.

Reimu corrects this statement, "It's true that they can… 'help' people ascend, it's also a death thing. Makes the shinigami all antsy. I personally don't want to get involved in anything troublesome like that… it's boring."

"Screw politics." Marisa agrees. "...Speakin' of, the human village has been awful, uh, anxious. Like, really, really anxious recently."

Reimu nods. "I know, right? Some thieves actually approached me when I went into town the other day. They normally don't even try things like that, so it was a surprise."

Thie~ves!

Marisa nods.

…

"Say, Reimu, mind fixing up some tea?" Marisa asks.

"Sure." Reimu gets up…

"I want some, too!" I add!

"Make it yourself."

Help, no. Well, maybe I will!

...Later! For now I'm just gonna relax…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...Iku sat in the waiting room of Eientei.

"...This supplementary appointment sure is taking awhile." She laments, still in that dinky little plastic chair she sat down in a day ago.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 31

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Unknown ice spell acquired?

INVENTORY:

Youkai Inconveniencer - Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Yet to be discovered other spell…?

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. Has a very situational instant-death dealing condition that, let's be honest, I probably couldn't fulfil; it's just there for world building. Help no.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives that I mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

Holy Talismans - Provides a holy upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

Electric Talismans - Provides an electric upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out...

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

and now the fairy gets the hose again

hello friends

has anyone ever had that moment where they're just writing in a daze and think like "this is SHIT" but when they go back and reread it it's like "you know this isn't so bad"

that was pretty much me this whole chapter

hopefully the awkward segments weren't too cringeworthy! because they were both awkward and infact cringeworthy

not that cringeworthy is an entirely bad thing; cringe comedy, yo

also don't do drugs, kids; viagra might seem like fun, but keep in mind it is both not actually an aphrodisiac and is intended for people who cannot maintain their erections themselves anymore

also if you drink gallons of cold medicine you'll probably die a slow painful death, so don't do that

...also a lot of drugs have rubbish mind-mushing side effects, so uh… try not to get your mind smooshed

as always, see you all next time!


	37. The Cellar Turnabout

(hi friends, it's time for PLAYER TWO START, PLAYER CHANGE… etc. MATT'S PERSPECTIVE.)

It has been numerous days of which I have been denied access outside the blasted ghost land by Yukari herself. Disappointing, to be certain...

Fortunately, it seems artistic supplies were included in the reparations budget, so I've passed the time constructing my own board game!

…

Well, the pieces, anyway. Rules come next.

I gaze at my purple and blue pieces, crudely crafted from their respective colored paints and cut out with scissors.

...I suddenly hear the clacking of heels against the tiled floor near me. Turning around, I see Yukari emerging from a gap.

"...Everything is sorted," she says, "You are expected in court."

Court. Gensokyo had those?

She reads my slight befuddlement. "...It's due to your intrusion upon the manor, if you remember correctly."

She read said befuddlement incorrectly.

"...Come with me." Yukari walks back into her gap, leaving it open for me.

I shrug. If I went in another direction, she'd gap me anyway.

I enter the gap…

/ / / / COUNT COURTSALOT / / / /

Yukari and I stood at the leftmost stand in the Scarlet courtroom.

My first question is why it's being held in a Scarlet courtroom.

"Order, order!" Remilia banged her little gavel on her podium, and ended up cracking both the mallet and the podium.

The chatter of fairy maids in the stands quieted down quickly.

...Remilia tossed the gavel away. She probably didn't need it, all things considered. "...Alright."

My next question is why Remilia's the _judge_. Of all people…

Across from me is a certain purple-haired magician. She is apparently the prosecutor…

I have a feeling the odds are stacked against me, here. Prosecutor being best friends with the judge, and all.

"We're here today to witness the stoning of an intruder!" Remilia announces.

The fairy maids cheer.

...Sakuya teleports up to her, and whispers something into her ear.

...Remilia rolls her eyes. "Right, right. Just kidding, we're here to hold a court thing or something. Whatever."

The fairy maids cheer again, anyway, getting louder.

"...I said shut up!" Remilia yells at the peanut gallery.

They all quiet down.

Sakuya teleported away.

"Right…" Remilia took a deep breath. "I think we all know what he did, but would uh…" She looks back and forth between Patchouli and myself. "...Could the defense tell us what their client did wrong? I mean, the client _is_ the defense, unless I'm wrong and Yakumo is the defense…"

I fix my posture a bit… "Yes, I am indeed defending myself."

Remilia nodded. "Great! That makes things easier. Now…" She held up a book she had under the podium. "...This is regulation, apparently. Since this is your first case, I have to ask you some… basic questions… to determine your readiness."

I think this is _your_ first case, too.

"...What was the crime the client committed?" Remilia asked.

...Something's not right about that. "...The client did not _commit_ any crime. The client is being _accused_ of a crime. Said crime is trespassing, presumably, but-"

"Right, right, that's what I meant. Yeah." Remilia sighed. "... _Accused_ of trespassing. That is correct."

The fairy maids started clapping.

"...Why are you all clapping!? Stop it!" Remilia yelled.

They stopped clapping.

"Anyway…" Remilia readjusted her mob cap. "What is the name of the client who commit- I mean, was _accused_ of the crime?"

Genuinely? "...Sir Matthew Regimentus van Scarlet, the fifth."

…

"...I have a right mind to stone you for that answer alone." Remilia rubbed her forehead… "...You said 'Matt' somewhere in there, right? I'll pretend you didn't just say that, if you don't say it ever again. Deal?"

"Sure."

The fairy maids began clapping again.

...Remilia looked up from the podium, her eyes low. "Would you morons _shut up!?_ "

They stopped clapping, again.

"...Third, final question." Remilia stared at the book. "...What is the prosecutor's favorite color?"

Meaningful discussion, to be certain.

I look over at Patchouli, dressed in her purple pajama attire with her purple hat and purple hair…

"...The combination between blue and red." I answer.

Remilia simply stares at me for a moment. "...Smartass."

I can tell this is a very formal court.

Remilia turns to Patchouli. "Alright, same for you, prosecutor. Three questions."

Patchouli nodded. "Mmm."

"Uhh- day of the week."

"Sunday." Patchouli doesn't miss a beat.

"My favorite color?" Remilia grins.

"Scarlet." Patchouli rolls her eyes.

"Flandre's favorite treat?"

Patchouli paused for a moment. "...Triple decker fudge sundae. With blood, of course."

Remilia smiled. "Good, good. Now, everyone ready?"

Patchouli nods. "The prosecution is ready."

I shake my head. "No."

...Remilia stares at me.

"I'm not." I elaborate.

"...You have one minute to get ready, then." Remilia decides.

The fairy maids begin chatting quietly amongst each other. Patchouli sips some sort of drink…

Yukari turns to me. "I'm only here because of your childish name dropping. I will not help you."

Figured as much. That's preferred, actually. I shrug in response.

...I look over to Patchouli, and call out to her. "Hey."

She glances at me.

"What's that you're drinking?"

She looks down at it. "Energy boosting tea. Helps concentration, and the likes."

"Where could I-"

Remilia intervenes. "There is to be no discussion between the prosecution and defense during preparation!"

Well, then. I look up at the judge… "How has your day been?"

She blinks. "...Alright, I suppose. Until I had to hold this stupid court, that is."

I smile. "Why don't we not hold it, then?"

She smiles back. "Is that a confession?"

"Not even close." I keep smiling.

"Then deal with it." Remilia folds her arms. "Yakumo has a part in this crap, too."

I turn to Yukari, who just stares at me coldly.

"...As you should, too." I offhandedly add, directed towards Remilia.

She narrows her eyes at me, but says nothing. "...I think you've had enough time to prepare. Are you ready, or do you want to make this easy and confess now?"

I nod. "I confess…"

Remilia's face lights up.

"...that I'm not guilty."

Her face stays smiling, but she slams her arm into the podium.

Bam!

The fairy maids begin clapping again.

"...That's _it!_ " She leaps onto the podium, reeling an arm back. "Be… _quie~t!_ "

A gungnir materializes in her reeled-back arm, and she tosses it into the crowd of fairy maids.

Thwaa~sh!

Pi-Pi-Pi-Pi~chun!

A series of startled gasps is the last sound the rest of the crowd makes before they quiet down, for good this time.

"...I don't think that's allowed in a courtroom." I add.

Remilia looks down to me, her eyes full of malice.

"You're in _my_ courtroom, now!"

...She sits down behind the podium again, which was now scrunched up from the force of her gungnir toss. "...Also, shut up. We're continuing. Also, you're ready now."

Glad that that was decided for me.

Remilia turned to Patchouli. "Alright, Patchy. Call up some witnesses. Good ones, too."

Patchouli raised a finger. "Actually, I'd like to go in ascending order from useless to those of actual worth. To better gauge the trial, you know." Patchouli states bluntly.

...Remilia stares at her. "Sure, whatever. Do whatever you want, then."

Patchouli nods. "...I'd like to call…" She lifts a piece of paper up from her desk. "...This name is illegible. I think I remember her, anyway… That one fairy maid with the cream hair. That one."

Remilia stares at her dryly. "...You must be joking."

Patchouli shakes her head. "Might aswell get it out of the way now."

That one fairy maid I killed floats up, making for Patchouli's desk…

Patchouli puts her hand up. "No, no, you go to the witness stand…"

I slam my hands on the desk!

" _OBJECTION!_ "

Patchouli flinches. "M-mukyuu~!"

Remilia gazes at me. "...What?"

"That fairy maid-" I point at her. "-is too stupid to be a witness!"

…

"Objection overruled." Remilia monotoned.

You'd have thought she would've gone for it…

"Might I ask why?" I inquire.

"Because I don't like you." Remilia put it simply.

The fairy maid floats up to the witness stand, despite my best interests.

"...Now, would you be a good girl and tell us what this cretin did to you?" Remilia kindly asked of the fairy maid.

"U-uhm… alright, I guess!" She scratches the back of her head. "All my friends are watching… this is sca~ry!"

Remilia responded with many less ounces of kindness. "If you don't talk, I'll show you the real meaning of scary."

Too edgy for me.

The fairy maid gulped.

\- - Witness Account - -

"W-well, I was going about my chores- I really was!" The fairy maid began.

"...Then this man came up to me in the hallway. Uhm… he was like… uhh… 'I'm gonna show you candy!' and I was like… 'yeah!'... I think!"

"So I, like, gave him a tour 'cause I really wanted the candy, or something. We went by the fairy barracks, and guest room… a guest room."

"We went inside, and then I woke up in the halls again! I think I must've ate so much candy I blacked out…"

…

Patchouli nodded. "I see. Is that everything?"

The fairy maid nodded. "Yeah. I also finished my chores… Don't hurt me, mistress!" She crouched under the witness stand…

\- - End Witness Account - -

Remilia yawned. "...There was literally nothing relevant there. How quaint. Did you get everything you needed, Patchy?"

Patchouli shrugged. "Always good to start small, as they say."

...Who's _they?_

"...Whatever, get her off the stand. She's useless." Remilia waves the fairy maid off.

"...Waa~u…" The fairy maid whines, fluttering away.

I warned her, too, but she didn't listen.

Remilia stuck her hand out, and Sakuya appeared, placing a teacup into it. "Thank you, Sakuya."

She sipped from it… "...There we are."

Looking down at her podium, Remilia realized she had nowhere to place the tea. "...Bah." She drank the rest in a few gulps, and tossed the cup aside. In a blink, Sakuya caught it and teleported off with it.

I think they call that preventative mess cleanup.

"...Ne~xt." Remilia called out.

Patchouli thought about it for a moment… "I'd like to call Hong Meiling to the stand."

This should be fun.

Meiling came from another room entirely, moving to the witness stand…

"Heya." She greets everyone. "...I'm sure you all know who I am."

Remilia shrugs. "Regulation says name and occupation."

"You didn't do that for that fairy maid, though…" Meiling noted. "That kinda threw me off."

Remilia waved it off. "She didn't count, she was too stupid."

Meiling nodded. "Right… Hong Meiling. Gatekeeper of the Scarlet Devil Mansion."

I slammed my hands onto my desk again.

" _OBJECTION!_ "

Patchouli and Remilia looked at me. Unfortunately, Patchouli wasn't caught off guard this time, but she did narrow her eyes at me.

"Are you _really_ the gatekeeper of the Scarlet Devil Mansion?" I ask her eagerly.

Meiling blinks. "...Yes?"

"...Then you're a very terrible one." I fold my arms.

"Objection overruled." Remilia ends the discussion, while Meiling frowns.

Patchouli composed herself. "...Would you mind telling us what you saw that day, Meiling?"

She nodded, now more serious than casual. "Gladly."

\- - Witness Account - -

Meiling took a deep breath… "A few days ago, Matt came to the manor gates."

"I told him he couldn't come in, because we had a stricter policy on visitors after the Yama had accompanied Brad. I dunno what they did, but they made the roof explode, somehow."

He would.

"He tried looking around the wall, but I followed him. After that, I had thought he gave up and just went home."

"Apparently, he did something I only learned a few days after the fact when Brad replicated it… He had gone to the lake, then went in the woods around the manor, and proceeded to scale the wall."

I have no idea how Brad could have done something like that with his equipment, but good on him, I suppose. The copycat.

"When Matt was teleported out, he insulted me. When I tried to engage him- for trespassing, that is- Sakuya restrained me, telling me that 'this matter would be solved diplomatically with the Yakumo'."

She nodded. "That's all I know."

\- - End Witness Account - -

...Remilia nodded. "Good, great, off with his head, then! Sakuya, is the guillotine ready?"

Sakuya teleported up to her, and whispered something in her ear.

"...I'm sorry? The defense gets a what…? Are you serious?"

…

Remilia sighs. "Alright, fine. Would the defense like to… _cross-examine_ … the witness?" Remilia hissed the term.

"Indeed." I answered.

Meiling folded her arms, glaring at me.

\- - Cross-Examination: Witness Account - -

It is time to think about what Meiling said in detail…

Everything she said is the truth. However, in what ways must I fuck with this situation to make everyone confused?

" _A few days ago, Matt came to the manor gates."_

...It was not, in fact, Matt! It was my not-so-evil twin brother… Ma-... Marth? Yeah. Marth.

" _I told him he couldn't come in, because we had a stricter policy on visitors after the Yama had accompanied Brad. I dunno what they did, but they made the roof explode, somehow."_

"HOLD IT!"

Meiling blinked.

"...What is this 'stricter policy' you spoke of?" I ask.

"Well…" Meiling rubbed one of her arms. "Visiting policies are technically between eight and ten only, but we always kinda let people in we didn't really mind around day hours."

I nod… "So, you didn't really enforce it then, huh?"

Meiling snaps her head up. "N-no, I mean, the last few days were just…"

Remilia nodded. "Go on, Meiling. Do tell."

Meiling folded her arms. "I-I've been guarding!"

Patchouli weakly slammed her hands on her desk, wincing as she did so.

" _Ob-objection!_ "

We turned to her.

"...W-we're not here to harass Meiling over her guard duties." She redirected the topic. "I'll ask her to revise her testimony a bit, but this changes little…"

I slam my hands on the desk, making Patchouli jump again.

" _OBJECTION!_ "

I raised a finger. "Since she didn't strictly follow her guard duties, I was allowed in! Isn't that right?"

Remilia bobbed her head back and forth. "From what I heard, she tried. You just went around her."

"Well, then she did a poor job." I add. "I think she deserves punishment."

...Remilia raises a brow at me. "...And I think _you_ should stop talking as if you were of any importance. Objection overruled."

"HOLD IT!"

Remilia stares at me dryly.

"This entire case is about me!" I argue.

"...So?"

Well.

…

"Hurry up your cross-examination, already." Remilia complained. "Your grasping for straws bores me."

Might as well.

Meiling revised her testimony...

" _I told him he couldn't come in, because we had… begun bothering to enforce our policy... on visitors after the Yama had accompanied Brad. I dunno what they did, but they made the roof explode, somehow."_

"HOLD IT!"

Meiling sighed. "Wha~t…?"

"...How do you make a roof explode?" I ask, intrigued.

"Shut up." Remilia shuts me down.

...Well, okay, then.

" _He tried looking around the wall, but I followed him. After that, I had thought he gave up and just went home."_

"HOLD IT!"

Meiling tilted her head. "What…?"

Patchouli rubbed her temples… "Would you stop doing that…?"

"No. It's a part of courtroom proceedings." I clutch my shirt as if I were wearing a fancy suit.

"Get on with it." Remilia commands.

"...Right. I do not own a home." I state.

…

"An~d…?" Meiling urges me to go on.

"Thus, I could not have 'just gone home'." I smugly explain.

"...I didn't know that." Meiling shrugged.

Patchouli and Remilia stare at me incredulously.

"I request that the witness revise her testimony."

Remilia shakes her head. "Su~re…"

" _He tried looking around the wall, but I followed him. After that, I had thought he gave up and just screwed off."_

What a great revision!

" _Apparently, he did something I only learned a few days after the fact when Brad replicated it… He had gone to the lake, then went in the woods around the manor, and proceeded to scale the wall."_

"HOLD IT!"

Patchouli groans softly.

"How do you know… that it was _me_ who scaled the wall?"

Patchouli snorted. "Because you could have dug under it, clearly."

"But I… did not dig under it! What… would I dig under with!?" I boldly declare.

Patchouli facepalmed. "It was a humorous jab at the impossibility of you doing anything except scaling. Of course, such an abstract concept would be lost on one such as you…"

"But what if…!" I raise a finger high into the air. "...It wasn't just me?"

The fairy maids begin muttering amongst one another.

Patchouli stares at me dryly. "And who, pray tell, might have assisted you?"

"...It's a conspiracy! The Scarlet Devil Mansion did nine-eleven!" I shout.

"Just be quiet…" Remilia complained. "All this nonsense is giving me a headache…"

" _When Matt was teleported out, he insulted me. When I tried to engage him- for trespassing, that is- Sakuya restrained me, telling me that 'this matter would be solved diplomatically with the Yakumo'."_

I think I've said enough silly shit. I would like her to define 'diplomatically', though.

 _She nodded. "That's all I know."_

...This statement is objectionable, but I don't think objecting to it would be a good idea right now. Mental note to object to it later.

I turn to Yukari to gauge her reaction, but she was asleep, drooling on the desk. Figures.

Remilia waved her hand.

"I take it you have no more stupid gripes to raise?"

I nod. "I suppose so."

\- - End Cross-Examination - -

"You may go, Meiling."

"As you wish, Mistress."

Meiling walked off, making sure to exchange one last glare with me before leaving the room.

Remilia cracked her neck a bit. "Aa~h… Who's next, Patchy? I feel like this case's starting to come together…"

Little does she know, I shall reveal this ruse with a ruse of my own!

Patchouli answered swiftly. "Your sister."

Remilia blinks. "Ah… Flan-chan!"

Flandre floats into the room. "Hello!"

"Hi. Could you go into the witness stand for me?" Remilia asks her. "Also, tell everyone who you are."

Flandre floats into the witness stand…

"Hi, everyone! I'm Flandre Scarlet!"

...She turned to her sister. "...Remi~, I think everyone here already knows me."

Remilia shrugs. "Good enough."

Patchouli turns to Flandre. "...Could you tell us what happened on the night this man-" She pointed to me. "-visited your room?"

Now they're making me sound like a molestimagator.

"...Sure." Flandre nods.

I should be able to find a way to turn this around here…

\- - Witness Account - -

"Well, I was spending time in my room, kinda thinking about how blown up the mansion's been…" Flandre began.

"It made me wonder why we don't just make it out of steel, or rocks." Flandre puts a hand to her chin…

"Anyway, this guy came through the main hallway to my room. He wanted to get across my room to the hallway on the other side. I told him he had to say please." Flandre added the latter statement with authority.

"He seemed kinda confused, when I think about it…" Flandre reflected, "I didn't think much of him at the time, though. He kinda smelled like old blood…"

That last bit is troublesome in a different sense. It shouldn't affect the case, though…

"...I didn't notice anything else that night." Flandre finished. "I was in my room for a long time… Was it even night?"

\- - End Witness Account - -

"It was day." Patchouli told her.

"Eheh…" Flandre scratched the back of her head. "Sorry."

"It's alright." Remilia nods.

" _OBJECTION!_ "

Remilia glances at me. "Objection overruled. Say one word, and you'll be held in contempt of my fists."

...Well.

Remilia took a moment to look at me closer. "...Oh, yeah. Cross-examination. You'd best not give Flandre a hard time…" She glares down at me. "...or it's not gonna matter whether you're guilty or not anymore."

...I feel like I'm treading thin ice, here.

\- - Cross-Examination: Witness Account - -

" _Well, I was spending time in my room, kinda thinking about how blown up the mansion's been…" Flandre began._

I have little to say but wonder if this was Brad's doing.

" _It made me wonder why we don't just make it out of steel, or rocks." Flandre puts a hand to her chin…_

You and me, both.

" _Anyway, this guy came through the main hallway to my room. He wanted to get across my room to the hallway on the other side. I told him he had to say please."_

"HO-"

...I look up at Remilia's scowling face.

"...E-EXCUSE ME!"

Flandre tilts her head. "Yes?"

"...I forgot if I ever said thanks."

She thinks for a moment… "...I don't think you did."

"...Well, thanks."

She smiles. "No problem!"

Remilia blinks.

...What the hell are we doing?

" _He seemed kinda confused, when I think about it…" Flandre reflected, "I didn't think much of him at the time, though. He kinda smelled like old blood…"_

"EXCUSE ME!"

Flandre smiled. "Hello again!"

Cuddly.

"You are indeed correct about the fact I was confused." I announced.

...Remilia rose a brow. "...I thought this was a cross-examination, not a self-testimony."

"...I happen to be the one on trial, here." I remind her.

"You're also the defense." Remilia argues.

"...Also, that blood part's kinda weird. I-"

"Don't talk about it." Remilia cuts me off. "Nothing that could bleed in this manor seems to be harmed, and none of the blood is of a scent I recognize. I know not what you do outside these walls, but unless the matter directly pertains to this case, I'll do little other than recognize the fact you've had blood spilt upon you."

Suddenly professionalism.

"...Alright." I let her have that. It shouldn't come up again, then. "But I was pretty confused, you see."

"Mmhmm…" Remilia hummed, calming down.

" _...I didn't notice anything else that night." Flandre finished. "I was in my room for a long time… Was it even night?"_

...I have literally nothing to say about that. I'll keep the fact she didn't leave her room in mind, though…

Remilia nods. "...I think that'll be all, Flan-chan."

\- - End Cross-Examination - -

Flandre smiles. "Alright, Remi! Have fun with your court thing…"

Flandre floats off, proceeding to leave the room.

That was ultimately uneventful, but for good reason. Upsetting Flandre, Remilia, or both, would have likely resulted in becoming giblets. That would be most unfortunate for proving my case.

Remilia yawned. "Who~ next, Patchy…?"

Patchouli swiftly replied again, having little choices remaining. "Sakuya Izayoi."

Remilia snapped to attention instantly. "Oo~h… Saku-"

Sakuya was already in the witness stand. "Sakuya Izayoi. Chief maid of the Scarlet Devil Mansion."

"...Well, then." Remilia nods, satisfied. "Good. On point, Sakuya."

"I aim to please, Mistress." Sakuya did a little bow.

Patchouli looked relaxed. "...Could you tell us everything, Sakuya?"

"As you wish, Patchouli-sama." Sakuya readied herself to recount what she saw that day…

I think I've thought of a good way to tie things together, but I'll have to see how this goes.

\- - Chief Maid's Account - -

"...It was a largely uneventful day, for the most part. Fifty-three of the maids failed to complete the standard quota of chores for the day, and were punished accordingly."

"One of these fairies was Marble-chan, the holy-elemental fairy with cream-colored hair. She neglected all of the duties of the later half of the day, including management of laundry loads thirty-two and sixty-two. According to eyewitness reports, which I have forwarded to Patchouli-sama, she was not seen again until afternoon the next day."

"Mistress requested a fine wine be served. I accessed the cellar, and found an intruder. His presence did not require much effort to notice; he was simply wandering the halls of the manor's cellar. Nothing was visibly missing, so nothing was touched."

"However, he displayed smug and venomous behavior, indicating that he knew, in some way, that his actions were undesirable. He had no reaction to the cellar's contents, not that I could discern."

"Despite these things, no one without proper clearance is authorized to know of the cellar's contents. All I can say is that it is a closely guarded secret, and the fact he has learned of it means he must be executed. It is that simple."

Sakuya turns to Patchouli. "I have finished my testimony."

\- - End Chief Maid's Account - -

Remilia smiles warmly. "...Well! That seems like all she wrote! You have anything smart to say now, mister Matt?"

"...Yes. Yes, I do. I would like to begin my cross-examination now."

"Tch." Remilia rolls her eyes. "I leave it in your care, Sakuya."

"I'll do my very best, Mistress."

\- - Cross-Examination: Chief Maid's Account - -

We've gone from thin ice to literally sliding around on ice cubes in the Antarctic ocean.

" _...It was a largely uneventful day, for the most part. Fifty-three of the maids failed to complete the standard quota of chores for the day, and were punished accordingly."_

Your specific numbers don't scare me…!

"HOLD IT!"

Sakuya stares at me neutrally.

"...Your staff really _suck_ , don't they?"

Sakuya bobs her head back and forth. "...In truth, yes."

"How can you trust them with anything?" I ask her.

"We typically don't. Certain situations reveal them to be more honest than others, even if they're extraordinarily lazy. Incompetence plays a role in that."

I see.

" _One of these fairies was Marble-chan, the holy-elemental fairy with cream-colored hair. She neglected all of the duties of the later half of the day, including management of laundry loads thirty-two and sixty-two. According to eyewitness reports, which I have forwarded to Patchouli-sama, she was not seen again until afternoon the next day."_

"HOLD IT!"

Sakuya stared at me, as unreactive as last time.

"...So you don't know where she went at all?" I question.

Sakuya shakes her head. "No. She was seen again at approximately twelve forty-seven the next day, by Ganpeki and Komi. She sat up in the hallway, disoriented."

More information than I needed, thanks.

" _Mistress requested a fine wine be served. I accessed the cellar, and found an intruder. His presence did not require much effort to notice; he was simply wandering the halls of the manor's cellar. Nothing was visibly missing, so nothing was touched."_

"HOLD IT!"

Sakuya is stone cold.

"...Nothing was visibly missing, you say?"

She nodded. "The cellar is a very dark place. Your sentence implies you know that something is missing, however."

"TAKE THAT!" I point at Sakuya dramatically.

...She blinks.

I reach into my bag of things that I keep on me, and I take out…

...the bottle of Scarlet Wine.

Remilia's jaw dropped. "Where did he get that from…!?"

Sakuya nodded. "...So you stole, too. I felt as if something was wrong, too… I can't believe I hadn't noticed sooner."

I grin. "I can tell you exactly why you hadn't noticed, too."

"Do tell." Sakuya actually raised an eyebrow.

"Two reasons. One… it was too dark for us to see anything!"

Sakuya reluctantly nodded. "I haven't checked the functionality of the lights in a long time. I usually bring my own candles and lanterns. The lights that I do know work are too dim to make much of a difference."

"Two… fucking fluffles." Those words say it all.

Sakuya sighed. "...There _were_ some fluffle-related losses, after all. That made determining theft among lower shelves difficult."

"But _I_ stole from a higher shelf, that I know." I refute.

Patchouli snaps back to life from her boredom-induced coma at the prosecutor's stand. "W-what purpose does this train of thought serve?"

Sakuya nods. "The only thing you've done is label yourself a thief as well. Good job."

We'll see about that…

Sakuya updated her testimony to reflect our discussion.

" _Mistress requested a fine wine be served. I accessed the cellar, and found an intruder. His presence did not require much effort to notice; he was simply wandering the halls of the manor's cellar. Nothing was visibly missing, due to how dark it was. I couldn't accurately determine any loss as mysterious; it was too dark to properly get a grasp of things, and fluffles were making a mess of the stocks. Apparently the intruder stole a bottle of wine, however."_

Remilia had her arms folded. "Stealing from _me_. I can't believe it…"

" _However, he displayed smug and venomous behavior, indicating that he knew, in some way, that his actions were undesirable. He had no reaction to the cellar's contents, not that I could discern."_

I had no reaction to wine. There was indeed only wine!

" _Despite these things, no one without proper clearance is authorized to know of the cellar's contents. All I can say is that it is a closely guarded secret, and the fact he has learned of it means he must be executed. It is that simple."_

I slam my fists on the desk, as if attempting to embed it in the floor. That hurt, by the way.

" _OBJECTION!_ "

Sakuya blinks. "What… exactly about that part was objectionable? The way I see it, it is all objective fact."

"The way I see it… I don't have a fucking clue what you're talking about." I tell her.

Sakuya furrows her brows.

"You're talking about reacting this, and contents that… but it's just wine. Just because I know you have wine shouldn't mean I have to be executed!"

…

Sakuya's mouth hangs open. "...Wait, so you mean…"

Remilia connects the dots, as well. "He… didn't see anything. Huh. N-not that there was anything to see…"

The fairy maids in the crowd murmur…

Patchouli pauses, and levitates her empty teacup into the air…

It smashes onto her desk, shattering.

" _H-hold it!_ "

...She pauses a moment to regain her composure. "You're still a thief, are you not? Surely such behavior cannot be excused simply because you've escaped the guillotine."

" _OBJECTION!_ "

"M-mukyuu~!" Patchouli holds onto her hat as she jumps.

"I didn't steal that wine bottle because I wanted to!" I loudly claim. "I was put up to it!"

Remilia narrows her eyes. "...Didn't you say something similar in jest earlier?"

I grin. "Who said it was in jest?"

"Tch…" She folds her arms. "Y-you mean you've been alluding to it all this time…?"

I'm just now bullshitting it, and I conveniently left hints earlier! Though, my cover story is more well-thought-out than those arbitrary hints I just so happened to leave.

"Indeed." I'll still take what I can get, though. "I was put up to it… by three fairies! They go by the names of Sunny, Star, and Luna… I think."

Sakuya nodded. "The pranksters… They're known to be alcoholics, as well. That… checks out."

\- - End Cross-Examination - -

Patchouli glared. "L-look, give me a clear accounting… Lay out the facts…!"

Very well. "Alright, then."

\- - Defense's Account - -

Let's see...

"After a fluffle raid on Hakugyokurou ended, I was assigned to repair the Hakurei Shrine in Youmu's steed. Unable to do any handiwork myself, I tried to seek aid from the local fairies. I made a request- foolish at the time, I know- to these three fairies. They gathered a legion, and rebuilt the shrine."

"Afterwards, however, they demanded payment in candies and alcohol. I had none of the above, so they then forced me to go with them to the manor. Unwilling to seem weak, I kept smug behavior when interacting with any of the manor's residents."

"A certain cream-colored maid led me to the cellar when I asked about it. I have reason to believe she joined the rambunctious three fairies after the fact, as well."

"...That is all." I end.

\- - End Defense's Account - -

Patchouli looked determined. "Remi! Allow me to cross-examine the defense!"

Remilia blinked. "But- that's not how it… whatever. Go ahead, Patchy."

Clearly the most proper of courts.

\- - Cross-Examination: Defense's Account - -

Patchouli furrows her brows, holding one hand to her chin…

/ / / / PATCHOULI KNOWLEDGE'S PERSPECTIVE / / / /

This seems like a rather intricate story that we simply didn't know about… Provided, there was that mysterious, unwarranted fairy attack on the shrine a few days ago that Brad fended off himself.

" _After a fluffle raid on Hakugyokurou ended, I was assigned to repair the Hakurei Shrine in Youmu's steed. Unable to do any handiwork myself, I tried to seek aid from the local fairies. I made a request- foolish at the time, I know- to these three fairies. They gathered a legion, and rebuilt the shrine."_

I'm unsure if they're that tricksy. It's been some time since I've conversed with wild fairies…

The fairies he described seem consistent, though.

" _Afterwards, however, they demanded payment in candies and alcohol. I had none of the above, so they then forced me to go with them to the manor. Unwilling to seem weak, I kept smug behavior when interacting with any of the manor's residents."_

" _H-hold it!_ " I shouted as loud as I was able. It's been some time since I had to raise my voice this high…

Matt raises a brow and smirks.

I take a deep breath… "Y-you didn't say anything about Yukari in your testimony. Could you care to explain why you got her involved?"

He shrugged. "Considering it was either that, or getting turned into swiss cheese…"

...Fair point. I suppose the surprising part is that Sakuya actually went through with it. You never know with outsiders… There've been a few instances where Yukari's gotten attached, but those were all her pet projects. Matt seems more like one of those asshole cats.

...Pardon my language, but today has been rough.

" _A certain cream-colored maid led me to the cellar when I asked about it. I have reason to believe she joined the rambunctious three fairies after the fact, as well."_

" _H-hold it!_ "

I'm going to have a sore throat after this…

"Yes?" Matt folds his arms.

"W-why exactly do you think she went to join the other fairies?" I ask. Surely, we can't just leave this a grey zone…

"Because she seemed quite intrigued by the idea of alcohols. I don't take it your fairies know about even the wine operation?"

If they did, it'd all be gone by now. There's merits to storing it down in dark, damp, artificial, and spooky hallways. Well, spooky to fairies, at least. The blood drainage plant is just kinda a thing after you know about it for as long as I have…

I look to the crowd of fairies around us.

"...They know now, anyway." I sigh.

Matt blinks, and looks at the crowd, too. "Oh."

Sakuya teleports away for a moment, then reappears. "The cellar has been fortified. This is the good news. Bad news is that we'll need explosives to undo the fortifications."

Remi waved it off. "I'm pretty sure we have plenty of explosives…"

The little mistress is probably all the explosive power we'd ever need.

"Besides, she mysteriously disappeared past noon, right?" Matt emphasized. "Clearly, she deserted the operation, as it were. Took off with her fairy friends to get drunk. Unfortunately for them, I managed to hold onto the bottle of wine, all because Sakuya teleported me out."

…

It all checks out, I suppose.

\- - End Cross-Examination - -

...Remi looked down at the witness stand. "...You can go now, if you want, Sakuya. Your cross-examination is technically over, I guess."

Sakuya shrugged. "I'm fine with standing here."

I spoke up. "A-actually, I'd like to call a witness back to the stand…"

Remi tilted her head. "Hmm? Who?"

"That fairy maid that's being accused. She needs to confirm what Matt's saying is true."

"...I suppose." Remi nods. "Alright. Sakuya…?"

Sakuya disappears from the stand, opening it for the fairy to occupy. Remi smiles. "Good."

Marble makes her way back to the stand timidly…

"...H-hello, Mistress…" She reintroduced herself.

Remi ignored her.

I coughed. "...I would like to go back to your testimony."

Marble blinked. "What's a testimony?"

…

Remi sighed. "Genuinely…"

I facepalm. "...I suppose I'll just ask you questions directly, then."

I pause a moment to think...

"Do you know who Sunny is?" Patchouli asked.

Marble put a finger to her chin. "Uuhm… I know a few Sunny-chans. Sunnery-chan, Sunbell-chan, Sun-chan…"

"That's enough." I stop her from continuing. "...Mmm. Fairy names." Fairy names are always very generic and poorly thought-out, I find. Unless they're night fairies, then they're just poorly thought-out.

…

" _W-well, I was going about my chores- I really was!" The fairy maid began._

" _Ob-objection!_ "... I look around for something to slam the desk with.

I use my hands, anyway.

Slam!

...Ouch.

The fairy maid stares at me curiously.

"...Your statement," I begin, "contradicts the evidence!"

The fairy maid blinks. "...No?"

I remind everyone of Sakuya's report. "Your chores were not, in fact, completed. You told us you had completed them."

She flinches exaggeratedly, bringing her arms to her face. "B-but I di~d!"

"...No, you did not." I reiterate. "...Lying doesn't make things better, you know."

/ / / / MATT'S PERSPECTIVE / / / /

Yes it does.

/ / / / PATCHOULI KNOWLEDGE'S PERSPECTIVE / / / /

"...W-what do you want me to say, then!? Okay, look, I didn't complete _all_ of my chores… but I did some of 'em!"

...That seems to check out. Though… "For what reason did you stop?"

"I dunno!" She waved her arms. "Everything blacked out after I gave that guy a tour!"

Hmmm… She doesn't seem to be cooperating. This lends credence to the idea she's doing something she shouldn't be…

"...I suppose the only person to be prosecuted here is you." I sigh.

Marble blinks. "...What's that mean?"

Remi looks down at her. "It means we're going to kill you. Repeatedly."

Marble takes a moment to process this… "What! No! You can't do that! I-I did my chores, Mistress!"

"...Half of them." Remi corrects her. "Not only that, but you actively conspired against the manor with intruders."

"I don't know what that mea~ns!" Marble wails. "Stop being fancy, Mistress!"

Remi jerks her head back, as if legitimately offended, but shakes it off. "You know exactly what you did, though."

"No, I do~n't!" She insists. "I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I _do~n't!_ " She begins stomping the floor and crying like a child.

"Compose yourself. You're a maid." Remi commands her. "While you're at it, see yourself out of the courtroom. I will see to you… personally."

" _No!_ " Marble shouts. "You're m-mean, Mistress! Really, really mean! _I hate you!_ " The fairy girl begins glowing the same color as her hair, a light cream.

"Compose yourself, servant!" Remilia barks down at her. "If you do not, I will kill you myself, right here. Do not make me stoop to such unprofessional levels simply because you are being barbaric yourself."

The fairy girl stops glowing for a moment, and glares up at Remi.

"...Good. See yourself-"

Her eyes flashed a bright white.

" _Holy Cross!_ "

The fairy floated into the air, and exploded into a pillar of holy flames. Near the top, the second part that made it a cross formed.

Remi held onto her cap, the giant flaming cross acting as a vacuum. "What the hell!?"

She dug into her desk with her nails.

Matt pulled out those pink scissors, and managed to grapple onto the side of the desk, it seems. Yukari didn't move at all, and I erected a stone pillar between me and the giant cross.

"Aaaaaa~h!"

The fairy maids screamed, and began fleeing the stands. Some got pulled into the cross.

Pi~chun! Pi~chun!

Within a minute, Marble's holy cross burned out, disappearing into thin air. She herself was absent, and so was the witness stand.

Remi sighed. "Remind me not to employ holy-elemental fairies as often, would you, Patchy?"

Duly noted.

/ / / / MATT'S PERSPECTIVE / / / /

Remilia cracked her knuckles. She took a glance around at the mostly vacant stands, most of which Sakuya was teleporting around, cleaning up after her subordinates. She looked down at her supremely trashed podium, contemplating life or something.

"Well… I can't believe I'm saying this… but it looks like Matt's both not a willing thief, and not spying on our unmentionables. He's…

= Not Guilty =."

...She coughed a bit. "A-achk, the hell was that…?"

...I turn to the snoozing Yukari.

I pat her on the back, and nothing happens.

"Yuka~ri…" I try whispering into her ear. No response.

"...Wake up goldilocks!" I slap her hard on the back.

Nothing at all.

Alright, time to fondle her breasts.

I reach for one, and my hand promptly ends up in a gap before it even makes contact.

Snap!

...Ooo~uch!

I pull my hand out quickly, finding a mousetrap on my finger.

What the hell…

I struggle with it, and eventually pull it off. Yukari yawns and stretches…

"...Alright, so…" She looks around. "Considering you're still alive… I assume they decided a public hanging was in order?"

"As fun as that would be, no." I tell her.

"...Vampire food?" Yukari guesses.

"Not as fun, and no."

"...Tied to a pole and left outside? For the feral youkai to feast?"

"Not fun at all, and surprisingly, no."

She shakes her head. "Well, what _are_ they going to do, then?"

"Nothing." I grin. "I'm innocent, you see."

…

"Bullshit." Yukari scoffs. "There's no way."

I nod giddily. "There is, in fact, a way!" It just involves going Ace Attorney and lying. A lo~t of lying. I'd probably be screwed if the actual Ace Attorney was here.

"...Right." She shakes her head. "Well, good for you… I assume you got the matter regarding my name cleared up?"

"Nope. You are now an outlaw, and a wanted criminal."

...She stares at me. "Very funny."

I try.

"...Remind me to speak with Yuyuko about your behavior later."

Sure.

I begin walking away casually. "Now, if you'll excuse me… I have places to be, people to see…"

I end up falling down a gap.

/ / / / SECOND REAL SCENE BREAK IN THE ENTIRE CHAPTER / / / /

I walk into the shrine!

"Honey, I'm home!"

I walk up to Yuyuko, who was talking with Youmu in the front lobby. I go to hug her, but my arms and body phase through her entirely.

…

She floats out of me. "Considering you're back in one piece, the trial went well, I take it?"

I nod. "Jury duty is boring. It was some boring case where a fairy maid accidentally swallowed all the Xanax."

Yuyuko nods. "Ooo~h, I see…"

Youmu blinks. "...Wasn't the trial about _you_ , though?"

I furrow my brows at her. "...Why, whatever gave you _that_ impression?"

"Yukari." Youmu bluntly stated.

Rolling my eyes, I take the opportunity to slander her. "Oh, please. We all know she's a busty trickster."

Youmu frowns at me, but says nothing. Curious gesture.

"Well, Youmu baked us a cheesecake!" Yuyuko adds excitedly.

I must locate this delectable pastry.

"...I ate it." She clarifies. "It was good."

...How do ghosts even eat?... Give me back my cheesecake!

I lean over, and reach into her stomach, finding nothing but ghost-matter. Ectoplasm, was it? Whatever…

Yuyuko giggles. "Awwh… I can have Youmu bake you another one."

Youmu stares at me blankly. I have a feeling that, if Youmu was forced to make me a cake, she'd fill it with razors.

Yuyuko stared at her gardener/cook/indentured servant, sensing the animosity. "...Maybe we could just buy one, instead. Or have Yukari bring one!"

I'm pretty sure the latter option would change it from razors to _exploding_ razors.

"...I think buying one would be preferable." I decide.

She smiles. "Good… Where should we buy it from, though?"

...Is there really anywhere else but the human village to shop?

Youmu turned to her. "Do the Oni make good cheesecakes?"

Yuyuko blinked. "...I wouldn't think so."

The half-ghost shrugged. "Just a thought."

Where was she going with that? Well, before she suggests we find one at the bottom of a lake, or something…

"How about the human village?" I suggest.

"Ooo~, why didn't I think of that…?" Yuyuko beamed. "We should do that!"

We. Who is this 'we' character? "...I am confident I can buy a cake myself." I tell her.

She smiles, shaking her head. "O~h, no no no… You see…"

"If you kill another human being in cold blood, I'll have to kill you where you stand."

She finishes her sentence in the same manner she began it. Smiling and cheery.

I hold up my arms. "It's buying _cake._ It's not like I'm gonna make it out of the blood and guts of the innocents… Do you take me for some kind of crazed killer?"

Youmu mouthed 'yes'.

"It's not that…" Yuyuko begins. "But it's exactly that."

Fun.

"...Someone of my nature has lived and witnessed death too many times to count. It's simply a shame that someone such as yourself does not see the beauty a life can hold, when even someone as dead as I can."

When did we begin reciting sappy poetry? People die all the time, it happens. I doubt my actions make a difference in this cycle, regardless of my reasons. The deaths of others, to be honest, should be none of her business.

"...But enough of those things." Yuyuko changes the subject. " _We're_ going to go buy a cheesecake. You can hold the fort here, Youmu."

Youmu nodded. "Yes, Yuyuko-sama."

So it's going to be me and Yuyuko this time. This should be interesting…

We make our way to the front stone pathway…

"Yukari~..." Yuyuko calls out to nothing.

A gap opens ahead of us, big enough for us to walk in.

"Thanks, Yukari~n…" Yuyuko thanks her friend, somehow.

We walk into the gap…

/ / / / NUGGETS / / / /

The gap drops us off inside some building. I don't necessarily recognize this hallway…

Behind us is wall, to the left of us is wall, and to the right of us… is wall. Ahead is a door leading outside.

Yuyuko floats up to the door, and opens it, floating out.

...Couldn't she have just floated through the door? Actually…

"...I don't think the villagers will be comforted if they see a ghost floating around." I tell her.

She blinks. "...Aaa~h, right…"

Her ghost tail shifts into a pair of legs, complete with a skirt of some description.

Outside, the day is dim, and the ground is caked in snow. Said snow is steadily accumulating…

"...Looks like fun." I comment, gingerly stepping out into the snow in an effort to not get snow in my shoes, pants, and soul.

I wasn't successful in any of the above, by the way.

Yuyuko glances at me, but continues forward down the narrow alley ways this door led us to. I turn back to the building…

It was the Golden Grin Casino, apparently. I'd like to ask why there's a tiny section of hallway that leads to nowhere around the backside.

I follow Yuyuko to the main roadway, which is largely devoid of villagers, due to the snow. Some are shoveling the areas around their houses, which seems like a rather futile effort when it's still snowing as we speak…

Yuyuko turns to me. "Say, do you know where the village pastry shop is? I haven't been here in quite a few years…"

I have no idea in the slightest. I shake my head.

"...I suppose we'll have to ask around, then."

She spots a town guardsman.

"Sir! Sir!" She calls out to him, approaching him.

...The guardsman takes one look at her, then jumps back about a foot. "Y-Yuki-onna! In the village!?"

Let the good times roll!

Yuyuko blinks. "Yuki-onna…?"

The guard draws his sword. "Stay back! I-I'll stick a torch to you!"

Yuyuko pouts. "Awwh… All I wanna know is where I could find some pastries…"

He pauses, shifting about in the snow uselessly, as Yuyuko slowly walks closer to him…

He jabs once Yuyuko gets close enough, and the blade sticks right through her chest.

Yuyuko doesn't react much. "Hehehe~!... Please, sir, I just wanna find some pastries…"

The man dropped his sword, which fell out of Yuyuko. Stepping back, his face became one of absolute horror. "Y-you… you monster! This must be the Greater Yuki-onna they foretold!"

He began running. "F-fire! We need fire!"

Some villagers look out from their homes.

"There's a fire?"

"Isn't it snowing…?"

"F-fire…?"

...Yuyuko blinked. "...The village is a lot more…" She pauses, trying to find the right word…

"Stupid? Ignorant? Uncivilized?" I suggest a few words…

"Uncultured." Yuyuko decided. "...Do you really not have _any_ ideas? We might be out here awhile otherwise…"

While that news meant little to her, it meant a lot to me, since I am both alive and able to feel the cold.

I am _able_ to feel the cold, let me tell you…!

The nearby villagers went back into their homes and about their business, probably having assumed the guard was off his rocker, because they did not see any fire.

…

Well, there _is_ one place...

I nod. "I have an idea. Follow me, Yuki-onna."

Yuyuko is oblivious to my jab at her, unfortunately.

We make our way to a quaint single-story home on the west edge of the village. This is the home of Sekibanki, and she should be able to aid me…

I knock on the door.

…

I knock harder.

…

"Yuyuko, use the skills you have acquired in your long career of being dead to open this door."

Yuyuko blinks. "...Why~?"

"Our informant is inside and uncooperative." We are to slap her silly with your paper fans to rouse her from slumber.

...Yuyuko shrugs, and floats inside.

…

Click.

The door opens with Yuyuko on the other side, her hand in the lock. If only it were that easy for my previous encounters. Locks and I were not friends; we were enemies.

I walk inside the dark house, noticing no one in the living room. Bah…

I knock on her bedroom door, and receive thuds on the other side.

The thuds persist for a moment, then stop. Footsteps slowly grow louder on the other side…

The door swings open, and a tired Sekibanki looks at me, clad in pajamas.

"Wh-wuh…?" She squints at me, rubbing her eyes. "...H-how the hell did you get in…?"

"I contracted the aid of the undead." I gesture to Yuyuko, who is simply staring at me blankly, likely judging my actions.

"..." Sekibanki nods drowsily. "...Ghet ou~t."

"Before we go, do you happen to know the location of a pastry goods store?" I ask her.

...It's also the middle of day, I think, so I'd like to inquire why she's both sleeping and in her pajamas.

"...East. Third building from center… Nashi's something-or-another…"

There we go…

"...Now go." She folds her arms.

When you put it that way-

Yuyuko smiles. "Very well. Thank you very much!"

"Mmm." Sekibanki nodded as Yuyuko floated out, dragging me by the arm.

Killjoy.

…

Sekibanki sighs. "Dreams are weird."

/ / / / PASTRIES / / / /

We continue down multiple paths because I have no idea where the hell east is, despite referring to the path Sekibanki's house was on as the western one. I have no clue how the village does directions, so I just had to wander around in the snow like an asshole. 

By the time we found the place- dubbed Nashi's Pastry Platsfrum- I was shivering like hell. It was the kind of cold that didn't bother you because you were out in the cold so fucking long it all just kinda blended together in one big moment that you could summarize as 'cold, painful, and sad'.

By the way, what exactly is a 'Platsfrum'?

The bell of the door rang behind us as it closed.

Yuyuko looked around the shop, "Ooo~! So many different kinds…!"

There were indeed lots of pastries on display here. I'd like to ask how the shopkeep can afford about three cakes on display in a store that likely has no refrigeration or storage of any sort.

"...Ey! You come in, you buy, yes!?" The shopkeep yells from the counter. It's some debatably mature man who looks like some jock from a high school, complete with swooshy douche hair. He's speaking in an Italian accent, even though he looks grade-A American.

The human village is full of dubious characters, it seems.

"Everyone buys Nashi's pastries! I'm Nashi!" He pokes himself in the chest with his thumb. "Who do we have here, huh? We got, uh, boo- I mean, beautiful over there…"

Yuyuko takes out her fan and unfolds it, covering her face as she smiles.

"...And we got this dude!" He gestures to me. "...No offense, but you're not dressed for winter, my friend! If only I sold clothes, huh? Well, that's too bad, 'cause I don't sell clothes. I sell pastries! Nashi's pastries, at your service!"

I feel as if this guy just likes to hear himself talk.

Yuyuko walks up to him. "Hello… We would like to buy one of your finest cheesecakes."

He nods. "Alright, she buys! Everybody buys! Nashi's pastries…!"

...Is he alright?

He goes to the back door behind himself, and opens it up. Snow bellows in through the open steel door that leads outside for whatever reason.

"Hey, Walter!"

"Yaa~h?"

"We need one of the- one of the… Cake! Cheesecake!" He shouted over the snow.

"Aah!" Walter replied in grunts, apparently. He was also seemingly just outside in the snow for no particular reason.

He closes the steel door, which lightly vibrates the room as it closes.

"...Give 'em a moment. Five minutes, tops. Walter is a craft master- master of craft, I mean!"

Yuyuko nods. "Very well."

...We stand in silence for a few moments, Nashi lazily wiping the counter, pretending to be busy.

"What exactly is a 'Platsfrum'?" I ask.

Nashi turns to me, pausing a moment. "...It's- it's a fine word, you know. On the outside, they say it means beauty. Perfection. Nashi's pastries are only best pastries."

"...That sounds made up." I fold my arms.

Nashi stares at me. "...Well, the hell do you know 'bout the outside? They say it'sa land of all humans! What could get better than that? No offense, miss youkai." He apologizes to Yuyuko, assuming she was a youkai.

"...I happen to be from there." I tell him.

"Ah, they all are." He replies in jest. "Hey, I happen to be from there, too! They eat from gold platters everyday!"

I crack my knuckles. It is time to show this pseudo-Italian bastard logic the old-fashioned way.

Yuyuko holds her arm out, extending a fan to block my way. "He happens to actually have come from the outside." She answers. "It is… an interesting place."

Nashi instantly calms down and puts his arms on the counter. "Oh, do tell, do tell…!"

Yuyuko smiles. "I'm sure he could tell you more than I can…"

Nashi waves his hand. "No, no, miss Yuki-onna, I want you to tell me!"

Yuyuko sighs, her smile becoming a bit more awkward. "Perhaps it's best if we drop this discussion, then." 

...He turns to me. "I blame you for that."

I begin marching towards him, only for Yuyuko to hold me back telekinetically. Magic is troublesome.

Nashi looks around, annoyed, then goes to the steel door again. He puts effort into pushing it open…

The door opens, and he shouts outside. "Walter! Where's the fuckin' cheesecake!?"

"Aaah!"

"You-... You gotta give me the cheesecake, man! Hurry up, dude!"

"Aaah!"

My curiosity is slowly growing. What the hell is Walter even doing out there?

The room vibrates as Nashi slides the steel door shut.

"...S-sorry, Walter is lazy sometimes." He answers sheepishly. "No-good kids, right?"

Walter did not sound like a kid, a teen, or even a human adult.

Yuyuko hummed. "Mmm… I suppose. I'm reminded of someone I know."

Nashi slams his hands on the counter. "Who is it!? Can I have her address- you're a youkai- can- can you send her to me!? Is she like you!?"

Yuyuko blinks. "...Uhh… Actually…" She hides her face with a fan. "You give me an idea, for later."

Nashi grins. "Hubba, hubba…!"

I don't even. "Who _are_ you?" I ask the sad, strange little man.

He turns to me. "...I'm Nashi!"

"... _What_ are you?" I clarify.

He frowns. "Ey, who the fuck are you? Yeah…"

He looks over to Yuyuko, and mouths 'do you know this person'.

She doesn't reply, or even acknowledge the fact he mouthed anything to her. She proceeds to fan herself, even though it's snowing outside.

Nashi shakes his head, frowning. Then, he turns to the door again. "Fuck, man…"

He swings the steel door open again. "Walter! You motherfuck!"

"Aaah, graa~h!"

"That's it, Walter! I'm coming over there!" He leaves the store and goes outside. We can hear them shouting from inside…

"What the fuck is this!?"

"Aaa~h!"

"Dude- _Dude_ , no! You broke the- oh my god, dude…!"

"Aaah!"

"Y-you… What the fuck, Walter!? You're fired!"

Silence.

"You're fired, Walter! It's over! You blew it!"

…

"Graaa~h!"

Bam!

Nashi flies through the wall, flying past us. He lands on a table of cakes, and it breaks under him.

Thud.

"F-f… Fu~ck!" Nashi wails, sloshing about in ruined cakes.

From here, Yuyuko and I see an amber light shining from the snowy mist ahead. Slow thuds are heard, and Walter comes into view. He had to have been eight feet tall, and his head could be best described as some form of furnace. A grate, his face, revealed fire on the inside.

"Aaooh…" Walter raised a large wooden block with his pale grey arms, and slammed it down.

Bam!

The counter was flattened in the center, the other two ends shooting into the air and embedding themselves in the ceiling.

Nashi blanched. "W-Walter… L-look, I'm sorry, we can- can… We can talk this out!"

"Grrooh…" Walter paused.

…

Nashi bolted from the cakes, and ran to the door. "You're fucked now, Walter! Fuck you!"

He runs outside. "Guards! Guards! Youkai! You~kai!"

The flame in Walter's face rages bright. "Groooah!"

I dodge to the side as Walter barrels past us, going right through Yuyuko and out the door.

...Well, through the door.

Bam!

Off into the snowy evening he went, to chase down his boss.

…

"I guess this means free food." I add. There were still some untouched cakes along the walls…

Yuyuko nodded numbly, unsure of what to make of the situation.

...I went outside to see what 'Walter' was working on, but all I found were smashed wooden shapes, what looked like an oversized stovetop, and-

A pool of lava. Was this a medieval forge, or what?

"...I don't even want to know." I also do not see cheesecake of any form out here. It will be a mystery to everyone how the man with a furnace for a head made tiny pastries with a stovetop as large as a house itself, and a pool of lava.

I didn't know finding cheesecakes was going to involve ancient voodoo magic and questing.

Yuyuko magically lifted the cakes she wanted from the shelves. She hovered out to meet me. "We should depart… Still, this was fun!"

Define fun. Last time I checked, freezing half to death, getting insulted by an insane pseudo-Italian, and getting nearly run over by a living furnace did not qualify as a valid form of 'fun'.

Yuyuko brought a hand to her mouth. "Yukari~n!"

A gap opened in front of us. Yuyuko guided the cakes in first, and floated in herself.

...I fold my arms, and decide to walk in a different direction, only to fall into a gap.

/ / / / THE MAN WITH A FURNACE FOR A HEAD / / / /

I still didn't get my fucking cheesecake. Provided, we had a variety of other cakes now, but… still. We set out on a quest for a cheesecake and got multiple cakes that _weren't_ cheesecakes.

I am disappointed.

"Youmu, we're ho~me!" Yuyuko called out.

Youmu looked into the kitchen, and her jaw dropped. "Y-Yuyuko-sama!? W-wh…"

She walked inside, and looked at the plethora of cakes. "...H-how much… did this all cost?"

Yuyuko smiled. "It was free. You see, the pastry shop was actually closing, so they were giving away everything for free before they finally closed for good. Apparently the economy of the human village is rather cruel to the luxury businesses…"

"A man with a furnace for a head tore it down." I elaborated.

Youmu stared at me dryly, before nodding. "...Well, if they were all free, then I guess it's fine. Did you need to take so many, though…?"

I look back to Yuyuko, who was apparently halfway through a cake as we spoke.

...Youmu blinked. "...Nevermind."

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

CHAPTER 31.5 END

PROTAGONIST: Matthew, the Debatably Sane Outsider, Lord of Edges

PRIMARY WEAPON: Bloodied Steel Scissors - Stained lightly with fresh blood from a young human female. Sharp, shiny-ish, and to the point!

INVENTORY:

Steel scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Quick Scissorang - Non-elemental scissors that are enchanted to return to the owner with ferocity. Not that powerful of a weapon, but combined with strong string it can be used like a powerful grappling hook. Looks like it belongs in a Barbie catalog.

Flame Scissors - Fire-elemental scissors that have an incendiary effect on strike. Boosts fire magic and abilities, as if I had any.

Steel-alloy String - An experimental item provided by Alice as part of her testing. She uses these herself to manage her dolls, or so I'm told.

A Tuft of Cloth Strings - Pink, regular cotton string. It's soft, and clean.

A Fluffy Hooligan - Soft, and warm to the touch. Ech!

Book of Rebomb - Teaches basic and advanced bomb magic. Written in some fantastical language, so I can't read it.

Scarlet Wine - A fine bottle of wine accented with a dose of drip-collected and processed blood. How much is uncertain. The bottle itself is freakin' burly.

(1 more empty space)

PARTY:

Rebomb Fluffle - Soft, and warm to the touch. Ech! Has a gag on to keep it from casting Rebomb over and over again, which would be a very bad time.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Rebomb - Advanced bomb spell that blows up the nearby vicinity with random bombs. Very random damage.

INVENTORY:

Finsticuffs.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

I ACTUALLY REMEMBERED AN AUTHOR'S NOTE THIS TIME.

(not like it MATTERS)

...don't ask how i thought up the final scene with NASHI and the MAN WITH A FURNACE FOR A HEAD.

hopefully the phoenix wright parody trial didn't overstay its welcome; those things tend to be pretty BURLY

as always, see you all next time!

CO-AUTHOR'S NOTE:

everything that just happened can be summarized in one simple phrase:

i don't even.

this was an entirely friktastic chapter- not like it's a bad thing. i might even like this chapter better than the one in the golden grin casino

also i think the nashi and walter scene deserves an oscar

p.s. who even reads these


	38. Non-Directional Wandering

(in which we have a snow day)

I get up from the kotatsu.

"Where're you goin'?" Marisa asks me.

"To fix myself up some tea, friend." I tell her. No one's gonna fix it for me, it seems!

Marisa grinned awkwardly. "She was probably just joking, ya know…"

I shrug. I shall make my own tea anyway!

Entering the kitchen room, I see Reimu shivering as she stands near a teapot, watching it slowly burn over what I only can suppose is some kind of tea-burning flame thing. I've never brewed tea before, actually!

"Hello, friend." I greet her. "I have come to brew tea."

She stares at me. "Sure you have. Tea bags are in the counter under the sink."

Define sink, please. I walk up to the sink, and crouch repeatedly.

"...What the hell are you doing?"

I grin. "Nothing, nothing…" Just teabagging the sink, yo. That's how it works, right? I just realized 'brewing tea' could be turned into a much more raunchy term. Unfortunately, I don't think the online gaming community has such a comment in mind, otherwise I'd've seen it already. A pity, truly.

I take out some tea bags, but I put 'em back. "Screw that, yo, screw that. Where's the water?"

Reimu narrows her eyes at me. "How do you plan to brew _tea_ without the _tea_ part?"

"Very carefully." I grin at her.

"...Water's also under the sink. Jugs in the big cabinet."

Jugs. Jugs'a water. Takes me back to simpler times, back when we freakin' stored water in uncooled jugs in wooden cupboards.

Yes, lack of technology still surprises me. I grew up in a world where all you had to do was lift a faucet to get endless water at a small fee!

Lifting the metal jug from under the counter, I near the table…

"Spare teapot?" I ask.

She shakes her head. "Wait until I'm done here, at least. Perhaps gather your ingredients, or something. Whatever you're making, it's not tea, though."

I turn to her. "...What is it, then? I'm usin' a teapot, eventually!"

Reimu stares at me, her expression dry.

I stare back.

…

"The abyss stares back, friend." I comment.

"It's too cold for this." Reimu mutters, rubbing her hands together. "How are you so warm?"

Denim suspenders combined with undershirt. It's pretty comfy, actually, when the suspender straps don't fall down all the time, that is. Can't have a wardrobe without those little nuances that drive you off the walls insane!

"Clothes." I tell her. "Also, lack of exposed armpits."

Reimu pauses, glaring at me.

"...For serial, friend. Like, how often do you catch colds in that? One time I caught a cold- or sped up one I was catching- because my shirt under my coat was up slightly too high. I mean-"

"Shut up." Reimu silences me.

Well. Pain.

"...Don't talk to me about catching colds when you have that… _hanger_ that makes you damp all the time. How you survived with that thing this late in the fall, I'll never know."

Okay, good, I didn't completely piss her off!

"I tend to not leave flesh exposed." I add. "Both because yeah, cold, and I am not a rockin' anime babe like the majority of the notable cast here in Gensokyo."

Reimu raises a brow at my comment, but doesn't think on it. Finishing the tea, she walks off with the teapot. This leaves me without a teapot!

…

Nooo~!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I re-enter the main room. Reimu had somehow already slipped under the kotatsu on me. Freakin', yo.

Marisa and Reimu were drinking tea of some description.

...I sit down slowly.

"I thought you were gonna make yer own tea." Marisa questions.

"There is only one teapot, friend." I explain.

She nods. "Oh."

Reimu sips her tea. "I didn't want you wasting water, anyway."

Son. "I can just make more water. Water is my most renewable resource!"

She raises a brow. "Why did you ask me for some, then?"

Oof. "...It slipped my mind a few moments ago."

She shakes her head. "Tsk. Such carelessness, and you considered yourself my rival at one point?"

Daah… "Mostly because the context fit. Honestly, I dunno how I could keep up with you without flying ever. I mean, I can now, but I have other stuff and things to do." Priorities!

"Mmm." Reimu just nods.

Marisa grinned. "You'd have to butt heads with me, too, ze! How good'a magician're ya?"

I stand up.

Reimu sighed. "Marisa, why?"

I crack my knuckles.

Marisa held her hands together. "Show me some magic!"

"Oh, I'll show ya some magic, yo!" I grinned. What spells do I know…?

I channel mana to my hand, and hold it in the air. "Behold, friends…!"

Throwing my hand forward, I summon forth…!

A crusty pillow.

It lands softly on the kotatsu. It's cuddly, dude.

…

Reimu blinks, and pokes it. "...Yuck. Why-" Her face curls in disgust, and she suddenly retreats from the kotatsu. "W-what the hell!?"

Marisa grins at her reaction. "What're you all worked up about R-..." She catches a passing smell of the pillow. "...The _fuck?_ "

Marisa slowly stands up and backs away from the kotatsu.

I grin brightly, but inside I'm a mix of 'I hope this goes well' and 'please don't inflict war on me'.

Reimu frowned from across the room. "Why. Why even."

"Well, that's some magic… I'll give it that." Marisa adds with a lopsided grin. "That's a new one for the books. I don't even know how you'd replicate that. Good job."

"Don't encourage him." Reimu added. "Gensokyo doesn't need this. This is an incident in and of itself. Where did you…"

"I was taught by a succubus." I tell her. "It's a very strategic sort of spell."

"Definitely." Reimu agreed. "You know what would be more strategic? Never using it in my shrine again, least my gohei become one with your bones."

Ahah… "I'll remember that, friend."

"I never saw Koakuma use this." Marisa tilted her head. "She taught you, right?"

I nod. "It's apparently archaic yet lame introductory succubus magic, or something. Males aren't supposed to use it. It's like, worthless, so you'll never see it get used, but y'know, it is now part of my spell repertoire!"

"That's not something to be proud of." Reimu jabs.

Marisa grins at that. "Everyone's gotta start somewhere, Reimu."

"Not like that, and not in my shrine." Reimu glares at me. "If it wasn't snowing, you would be at the bottom of the staircase by now."

I nod. "Yeah, yeah, yo. I know. That's why I'm doing it."

…

"Could you… get rid of it?" Reimu asks after a few quiet moments. "It's cold, and I'd like the kotatsu to not smell like… bad."

I nod. "Yeah, I'll do that."

I approach the rank ass pillow, and lift it with two fingers delicately, and I walk towards one of the shrine doors.

"Biohazard coming through!" I exclaim. "Disposing of nuclear waste!"

Opening the shrine door, I see a friendly face!

"I've _found_ you, human!" Yasumi the violent yuki-onna has found me! "Now die!"

I toss the crusty pillow at her.

Poof.

…

"Uck- ack!" She begins coughing, and throws it off her face. "W-what… D-disgusting…"

I slide the shrine door shut as she mutters something unintelligible. Something like 'I think I'm gonna be sick'.

Reimu and Marisa were back at the kotatsu, a small yin-yang orb spinning on the table, creating a tiny wind storm, presumably to freshen up the air.

"Someone you know?" Reimu inquired.

I shrug. "Kinda. Wanted to enslave me for a generic sapphire, so I used fire on her and now she's sad. And mad."

Marisa nodded. "Yuki-onna?"

I nod. "Yuki-onna."

"Weird. Usually they're all aloof and stuff. You must be her worst enemy!" Marisa looks down at her tea. The pillow didn't land on it, but she looked uninterested in it anyway.

Reimu notices Marisa's disinterest, and shares it, grimacing at her tea, before looking to the pot itself hopefully, as it was covered up. "Mmm. That's kinda a problem. If she comes in here, she's getting sealed. It's cold enough as it is."

The shrine door slides open. "Vile _human_ male!" Yasumi points at me, her arm encased in a large ice chunk with spikes at the hand part. "I've come to reclaim my pride, and your life!"

I shake my head. "This is a safety zone, friend."

Yasumi glares at me. "W-what? Die!"

"Cautionary Barrier!"

A barrier forms in front of me, Yasumi's ice arm striking it.

"Stupid…!" She keeps attacking the barrier. "Die! Die! Die!"

Whack!

Reimu teleported behind her and whacked her upside the head.

"U-ugh…"

She turns-

Bam! Bam!

Two yin-yang orbs struck her head at opposing sides, causing the yuki-onna to stumble a bit.

"H-holy…"

I step out of the way of the action, because eheh...

Reimu teleported behind her barrier, and dropped to a slide, dispelling it. She then slid up to the yuki-onna and kicked her in the torso, flying up and over her as she did so.

"Guua~h!"

Thud.

The yuki-onna fell over on the shrine floor, her ice arm rapidly melting…

"W-what…"

Reimu stepped up to her. "No fighting in the shrine. Idiot."

She went back to the kotatsu, and sat down.

Marisa whistled. "That had to be, like, twelve seconds."

"Mmm…" Reimu lifts her cold tea cup of debatable germination. She gets up, and moves towards the yuki-onna…

"Have some tea." She pours the cold tea on the yuki-onna's face, then moves back towards the kotatsu.

"A-ah!" Yasumi sits up rapidly, flailing her arms. "No!"

...Reimu grants her a curious glance before moving back to the teapot, pouring herself more warm tea. She takes a sip. "There we go…"

Yasumi looks at me again. "You…"

I wave at her. "Hi."

"Shut up." Yasumi grunts. "You… you defied me."

"...I did." I nod slowly.

"You injured me."

"That I did, yo." I nod faster.

"You swindled me!" Yasumi yelled.

I tilt my head. "Tha~t one I'm not so sure 'bout…"

"You _burned_ me _alive!_ " She clutched herself.

"I did, I did, yo! Yo~!" I nod faster, now jerking my torso up and down as I did so overenthusiastically.

…

"What's _wrong_ with you?" Reimu incredulously comments on my enthusiasm, grinning slightly.

"Everything." The obvious answer, yo.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Yeah, it's still snowing. Pain.

"Snow is fluffy." I repeat.

Reimu shakes her head as she lies on the floor, bored. "Yes. I know already…"

"You a broken record or somethin'?" Marisa stares at me dryly.

"Mmrph…" Yasumi mutters, head lying on the kotatsu top.

…

I do gotta say, though, them winter winds sound relaxing.

"Snow is fluffy." I repeat.

"Uu~gh…" Reimu groans.

"Can I kill him now?" Yasumi asks.

"Later." Reimu tells her.

"Why~..."

…

Alright, time to get this show on the road. "I shall be off, I think!"

Reimu yawned. "Good… I wanna nap."

Marisa got up, too. "I think I'll be off, too, ze. Thanks for the tea, Reimu."

"Mmm." Reimu gave her hum of acknowledgement.

I open the shrine door and snow.

…

"He-"

Oof!

It slid inside and onto me! Help, friends!

I flail my limbs until I get out of the snow, then I scramble about on the floor for a bit, getting my bearings.

"H-holy…" I have gone from uncomfortably warm to nearly frozen in a few moments. Freakin'...

Marisa snickered. "Well, that was pretty, uh…"

Reimu sat up. "...Oh."

In a moment, she bolted up and navigated towards the door. "How high is the snow?"

Marisa blinked. "Uhh… high."

Giving her a dry glance, Reimu moved towards the snow. "...There's no way to tell from here."

I stand up. "Oh, I'll tell you a way to tell!"

Brandishing Flame Salvo, I aim it at the snow. "Stand out of the way, Reimu! I'm gonna drill into it with raw rage!"

...She slowly meanders out of the way, and Marisa stands back a bit.

Fwoo~m!

The stream of flames goes into the snow a bit, and more falls on it. Thus, I just keep pouring mana into the flames, constantly melting the snow. A puddle quickly spreads under my shoes…

Reimu sighs. "That water's going to stain…"

That's what you're worried about!?

After a few minutes that exhausted my mana pool, not much happened.

"...Psuedo-mage needs mana badly." I add.

Marisa pushes me aside, and aims out the door. "Love Sign…"

Oh, yeah. That works, too.

"Master Spaa~rk!"

It's a huge fuckin' anime laser of doom! Whaddaya want from me!?

Vrrrr~!

It shoots into the snow and continues for a good minute, I'd say. Freakin' loud.

-rrrr…

Once it ends, there's a clear ravine in the snow. I step up around the side of the door and examine it…

"Wow." I observe extravagantly.

Marisa pats me on the back. "Nothing personal. You just suck, ze."

Son. You're not wrong, but… yo.

Reimu floats outside and up into the air. After a few moments, she comes back down into the ravine with us.

"Most of the shrine is buried, but the snow's stopped." She explained. "...Things'll be fine once it all thaws. I think."

You _think_. Well.

...Also, it's cold! Very cold, infact!

I retreat back inside the shrine!

Reimu's the one to shut the door once we get inside. Well, by we I mean Reimu and I, because Marisa split, apparently. Probably freakin' used to the snow, or somethin'.

The door opens again, and Yasumi walks back in. "...You irk me." She points at me.

"I'm an irker." I agree.

Reimu points at me. "You. It's too cold."

It is! I nod in agreeance…

"Do something about it."

Please, no. I shake my head…

"If you don't do anything, I'll let that yuki-onna eat you."

I could probably beat her up with my new holy magic, whatever it is. I know one part was the flashlight, but I dunno what else.

As such, I shrug!

"...If you don't do anything, _I'll_ eat you." Reimu threatened.

I waltz towards her casually. "Is this how you get things done, yo? Shakin' sticks at people?"

"When it's this cold, yes." She nods. "...Look, you do something, and I keep that yuki-onna off your back. Deal?"

Now we're talkin', yo. "Sure."

"Alright. If it starts snowing again, I will personally go with the yuki-onna to beat you up."

Wot. "How am I supposed ta stop it from snowin'!?"

"I don't know. Maybe it's an incident, but I guess I'll find out later, if it is. Otherwise, just… go. Do things. Fix the problem." To accent her point, she waves her arm at me to shoo me.

Reimu, honey, there's some impossible shit I can do… but stopping the weather cycles ain't one of 'em!

"But-"

"Go. Repair the world." Reimu shoos me. "Or something. You'll be hailed as a hero, or whatever."

"Alright, alright, fine. I'll, uh, do things." I guess! I doubt Reimu's gonna even bother finding me herself. If that yuki-onna ever shows up again, though, she's gonna catch a beatin'!

I could use this as an excuse to go play video games at Sanae's shrine place. Only issue: cold as balls, and she's on a mountain. Combine the two, and you've got 'everyone's dead in the northeast' kind of weather. Suitable for youkai and Sanae's presumed heating systems, yes, but for my freakin' suspenders, no.

...Y'know, I wonder how Yuuka deals with- I'm getting off topic here!

Leaving the shrine, I enter the blasted snow lands outside the Hakurei Shrine's doors.

"J-jeez…" I say to myself. You ever have that 'invisible audience' sort of feeling? I hear it's common among teenagers. I mean, in this case it's justified because, uh… hello friends.

As I bring out my Flail-o-copter, a gap opens next to me!

I shake my head. "Yukari, friend, it's too cold for this. It's too cold!"

She shakes her head at me. "There's a fine, _fine_ line between four walls and no walls." She tells me. "You are sitting right on no walls."

"No waals…" I stare into the snow gingerly. No waals…

Waal.

Waa~l street…

Waa-

Whap!

I recoil slightly from Yukari's fan smack. The cold does fun things, such as numbing your everythings!

"...Don't think stupid things, either." She tells me.

Can she see my _mind_ …!?

…

She didn't react. Is that a no, or is she pretending…? I'm confused.

She vanishes into her gap. Well, good riddance to that, then.

I spin up my flail-o-copter, and depart for the mansion, because where the hell else would I be going? The temple? Maybe, actually… but I'm already inbound for the manor, so~...

Oh, yeah, there's Meiling, too. Gotta deal with her shieut, unless she's relenting for snow related reasons. Patchouli might know somethin' 'bout the weather.

Blue lights whirl across the cloudy sky. S'that a fuckin' UFO!? Dude!

…

That wasn't no cotton-pickin' danmaku, son! That _had_ to have been a craft of some kind. Shieut...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I'd'ave touched down on the path near the manor, except it is now all snow. The only part that's not covered is Meiling's post… so I land there-ish.

I land on the snow next to it. The snow's about half as high as the walls…

Woah!

…

"Hello, friend." I greet Meiling, who I slid in next to.

She sighed, clad in mittens, a coat, and a scarf. "You _would_ be out here…"

I hear sliding, and someone slides into my back, pushing me closer to Meiling.

"Hi, Brad-kun!"

Ha-chan? Where the frik…

I turn to her. "Where'd you come from?"

She smiles. "Home."

Oh god, I'm rubbing off on her! In a figurative way, mind you!

"...Tenshi and that fluffy cloth person went looking for you, too. They got lost in the snow, though, so I dunno where they went!"

Oh, boy.

Meiling snorted. "...I assume that water spiral I saw was you?"

I nod. "Yo. Gettin' some rep already!"

Meiling stares at me. "...Right. I _shouldn't_ be letting you in… but you _technically_ have an employee escorting you, so~..." Meiling leans closer to my ear and whispers. "If anyone asks, Hana opened the gate for you and let you in while I was shoveling snow."

I blink. "Shoveling snow?"

...Meiling breaks away from us and moves towards the snow wall.

"Three Lights! Colorful Ultimate Mountain Breaker!"

Her arms glow green, and she punches the snow.

BAM

A huge, translucent aura of green expands where Meiling punches, the snow getting obliteraetd.

She punches with her right arm, this time.

BAM

More snow is gone.

She spins and does a thrusting sorta kick.

BOOM

A triangle was drilled into the snow, and another huge boulder of snow was launched away. Overall, she cleared like, fifty feet.

"...I wish I could just _punch_ all the snow until it stopped existing." I comment. "That would make life a lot easier."

Meiling turned to me, grinning. "Snow shoveling."

Right. Snow shoveling. With your _bare damn fists_.

Ha-chan claps. "Wo~w!"

Meiling turns around, and pushes the gate open.

"...I didn't actually lock it, yet. I just got out here." She told us. "Go in before anyone sees us."

Ha-chan and I do as instructed, following the thin path leading to the manor, which was mostly properly constructed now. The clock tower was still in progress, but everything else seemed kinda done!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Inside, fairy maids were fluttering around, not-so-busy as they were previously when reconstructions were happening.

Ha-chan looked around, and moved to mingle with some friends of hers, it seemed. Seven and some other bum…

You know what just occurred to me? This place needs some tubby cats that like, waddle. And jazz. That'd be perfect.

…

I should go find that library!

I pass some fairy maids down the now-busy hallway towards what I thought was the library…

"Did you hear? Marble-chan got assigned on snow cleaning duty!"

"Wow! She's such a loser, now!"

All the cruelty of a high school hallway! This stuff even exists in Gensokyo, people! Maybe mass-social settings just breed dicks...

A third fairy maid ran up to them, frazzled. "Guys! My legs disappeared!"

I turned, and her legs… were still there. She was gesturing to them rapidly, flustered.

"L-like, my legs disappeared! What do I do now!?"

The two who were talking previously just stared at her dryly.

Never a dull moment, yo.

I eventually found the dining room instead. There was one fairy eating a single waffle at the table. Well, more like staring at it.

Walking up to her, she didn't notice me approach.

I poke the waffle. It's cold. Oh no.

She also still didn't notice me.

…

I take the waffle and flee the dining room.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I approach Patchy's desk!

She looks up from her book. "There you are. I'd ask you to melt the snow outside, but knowing you, you'd burn the mansion down. Again."

Hyonk.

"...Why did you come here, anyway?" She stares back at her book. "You surely don't have anything to do here."

I don't have anything to do, period, but that's beside the point… "Do you know what's causin' the snow, yo?"

She pauses. "...Weather."

Friend, please.

"It is called a 'season'. Temperatures change." Patchouli further talks down to me.

I guess that's a no, then…

"...In that case, I wish to learn more magics!"

"Then I shall teach you a prestigious spell…" Patchouli begins.

Wait, legit?

"It is called 'using the exit'. It was an amazingly useful spell used in the fifteenth century by fools to leave those who had actual work to be doing alone. All you have to do is find a door, and use it."

Well, _someone's_ salty today! I grin and fold my arms. "Let me guess, yo, you want another favor or somethin'?"

"I would if I had a favor to ask." She tells me. "I do not at this moment, so you get no magic."

Daw.

"You'd have better luck asking that rat. You and her are very alike, except you know even less than her."

The insults keep rolling!

A light on Patchouli's desk blinks on. "Oh. Speaking of…"

She stands up, and sighs.

…

The doors fly open, and Marisa flies up above the shelves.

"Pa~tchy!"

"There we are." Patchouli folds her arms. "Distract her for me."

Easier said than done…

I walk up to Patchouli and hand her the cold waffle. "Here."

"W-what…?" She examines it, and drops it on the floor. "No."

Friend, no.

Marisa lands next to us. "Heya, Patchy! I got a super important question for ya!"

"Spit it out, then." Patchouli demands.

Marisa blinks. "Uh, right, do ya know what's goin' on with the weather…?"

She sighs. "...This is going to be a trend, isn't it?"

Looks like it!

"Marisa. It is called precipitation." Patchouli slowly brings up her hands for gesticulation. "When it gets cold, instead of raining… it snows."

Marisa pouts. "I'm not that dumb, Patchy… I think there might be an incident going on."

Patchouli snorts. "Heavens forbid Gensokyo have a tornado, then, or Reimu might just start a nuclear war."

Marisa chuckles.

"...I am very busy right now. Between blanket snow removal spells, large-scale anti-fire spells, and other endeavors, I have very much to do at the moment." Patchouli explained. "The two of you may leave… or, at the very least, stay here without disturbing me."

Marisa grinned. "Or wha~t?"

Patchouli glared at her. "Or I will be upset. Very upset."

...Marisa's grin faltered. "Oh." She probably wanted a duel, or something, and instead got angry faces.

I turned to her. "I am seeking spell help, tips, tricks, cheats and codes, freakin' Game Genies! Guides! All at IGN!"

She steps back from me a bit, and I step towards her. "Marisa Kirisame's Birthday Blowout got two out of ten on IGN, friend. Not enough nuggets…"

"The hell're you goin' on about…?" She narrows her eyes. "I heard my name in there somewhere. You makin' fun of me?"

I nod. "Yes."

She glares at me. "Buddy, I could kick your ass."

I nod. "Yes."

"You wanna try me?" She draws her mini-hakkero, and Patchouli grimaces.

I nod. "Ye- no. No, actually. Why're you so aggressive, yo!?"

She frowns. "Because. Yer bein' annoying."

Tsk, tsk, tsk… "Friend, I must show you the ways of being annoying." She does not know true irritation until she takes some pointers from me!

"No thanks, ze. I got an incident to solve, y'know." She props her arms at her hips. "You can be annoying on your own."

I frown myself. "Daa~w, c'mon, now. I'm sure the freakin' stagnant snow can wait."

She glared at me. "Dude, Reimu's probably halfway done with this already!"

I shake my head. "No she ain't, yo."

"How do you know?" She scowls at me.

"She told me to solve it myself. If I didn't, she would go do it and kick my ass for not doing it. I don't think she'll make good on the last part, but y'know, if she sent me, odds are it's not actually imperative that things be done at this moment."

I don't think she even, like, meant to send me, either. Probably was just an afterthought to get me out of the shrine so she could sleep. We both know I'm not getting _anything_ done.

…

Marisa nods. "...I guess if Reimu's bein' like that, I could kill some time, then."

Patchouli contributes, "Please, do follow him. I know that if you don't, you will come back here, and I will be angry. Do not make me angry, Marisa."

She salutes. "Aye, Patchy!"

I begin to move out of the library, Marisa loosely following me as I did so…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"...What do you _do_ in your spare time, anyway?"

Marisa makes idle conversation with me as I navigate back to the cafeteria.

"Hunt for magic, hunt for power-boosting things… annoy people." I summarize. "That's, uh, about everything."

She nods. "...You don't do much, do you?"

Wait…

I point at her. "You. Tell me what _you_ do in your spare time."

She darts her head to look at me, a little surprised by such a question. "Well… I, uh, hang out with Reimu. Sometimes solve incidents… work on spells, hunt for magic mushrooms. Stuff."

"Do you hunt for magic?" I ask.

"Well, yeah." She agrees. "Obviously."

"Do you hunt for power-boosting things?" These are some suspicious similarities, du~de…!

"...I'm not- well, I guess I'm a little power hungry. Can you blame me?" She stares at me as if I'd accuse her of being a tyrant, or something.

"Do you annoy people?" The final question…!

She smiles, shaking her head. "No way, ze!"

…

I stare at her.

…

Scratching her cheek, she relents. "...Yeah, I do, but, like… it's all in good fun, y'know? I got kicked outta here a few times, but they always let me back in!"

" _Find_ your way back in." I correct.

She puts a hand up defensively. "Hey, hey. I'm not stabbed down on the spot when I enter."

That's true, I suppose.

…

"Compare your answers to mine." I argue.

We enter the dining room. That one fairy is gone, but there's a new waffle there. This place is weird…

"...What were your answers, again?" Marisa grins.

Freakin'... "I hunt for magic, power boosters, and I annoy people in good jest."

…

"What're you sayin'...?" Marisa begins reaching for her mini-hakkero, for some reason.

Friend, no! "I'm sayin' we should be friends, yo!"

Man, asking for friendship is just awkward. That's totally not my style, but being obvious seems like the only way to get her out of her paranoia.

She blinks. "W-what…?"

"If we join forces, at least partially, the land shall know no end to the tomfoolery!" I tell her. "It is clearly the only choosable option."

She seems to have been expecting a more passive-aggressive sort of approach, and is now thrown off her game. "...I-I'll have to think about it."

Indecisive twat!

"...Well, I'm bored." Marisa folds her arms. "I doubt you do anything interesting, either…"

...She's not wrong! "Well, look, yo. We're here to investigate this mysterious waffle."

We end up stopping next to it, and I poke it. It's still warm…

"Hug it." I instruct Marisa.

She stares at me like I'm an idiot. Hehehe~!

The orange-haired maid returns! She steps towards the dining table slowly, and sits down, staring at the single waffle again.

…

I wave my hand infront of her face. Nothin'.

…

"Hey, uh, you try waking her up." I instruct Marisa.

Stepping up to the plate, Marisa winds her leg back, and gives the chair a good kick.

Bam!

"Aaa~h!" The fairy maid wailed, flying into the air. "Not the snow! Anything but the sno~w!"

"Hands up and put your freeze in the air!" Yes, put your freeze in the air! I did not typo! The sentence sounds the same, anyway…

"Noo~!" She flies down to me and grabs me by the collar.

Woah!

"...They. Got. Me." She exclaims.

Oh, no.

"...Aaau~!" She lets go of me and stumbles back, bumping into Marisa, and falls onto the floor.

…

"You, uh, gonna eat that?" I point towards the plate.

The maid looks up from the floor, and notices the direction I point. "...No. I mean yes. No…" Her face lowers to the carpeted floor again, and she mumbles into it. "I don't know…"

I get up from the floor lazily, as Marisa grins at me.

"...What just happened?" She asks.

"We just got our first clue to solving the incident, son." I announce.

She jerks her head back. "W-what!? Really…?"

…

"No." I add quietly, shaking my head. "We… we don't."

She shakes her head. "Why…"

"Reasons." I tell her, approaching the kitchen.

Silently, we proceed to the kitchen.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Sakuya was here!

"No, no! The left! Go to the left and pull the purple lever!" Sakuya waved two batons around like a flight conductor, outfit slightly disheveled from flailing her arms around.

Also, what even happened here!?

There were two large conveyor belts at the top of one of the walls, which had cartons upon carts, slowly dropping some sort of yellow batter into large containers. Komi, Koi, and Namori seemed to be running around among the three lower catwalks, pulling levers to advance batter to lower levels of containers. The top containers just held stuff, the middle ones cooked it, and the bottom ones put them in little gift boxes.

It was a cake factory! Except, there were six catwalks, and while there seemed to be seven fairies-

Pi~chun!

Six fairies, sorry; most were playing on the weird elevators that moved up and down. It was literally just platforms that went up and down. They retracted at the bottom, where there were spikes for some indiscernible reason. There were spikes at the top, too.

That seems a little-

Pi~chun!

...counterintuitive.

"N-no…!" Sakuya sighed loudly. "Why would you sit on it until it lowered all the way…?"

"They were curious, friend." I add, strutting towards her casually.

She turned towards me, surprised. "Where'd you come from?"

"A tiny place." I tell her.

She turns to the fairies. "Look- I'm a little busy right now. If you came to steal silverware with that mouse again, go ahead. This-"

Pi~chun!

"Egh…" Sakuya flinched at the noise, staring at the three remaining fairies who were desperately pulling levers to try and push the batter along to the lower conveyors. At the bottom, there were two conveyor belts that transported the cake-bread-things in boxes to some landings aside the conveyors. From there, some fairy maids with delivery uniforms picked them up and put them on tea carts.

This made me really nostalgic for some reason...

"Don't all die at once!" Sakuya shouted. "...P-please…?"

It was just the three stooges left.

Marisa nodded slowly… "We're uh, not here for anything like that. Honest."

Namori stayed near one lever the whole time, Koi dashed back and forth across the top four rows and sometimes got stuck on the elevator platforms, and Komi was the only one managing the bottom left lever, sometimes venturing to the other two above her.

"...Wow." I add. "This is legendarily inefficient. Like, even worse than me."

"Quiet." Sakuya glances towards me. "Koi! Stick to the top two!"

"No!" Koi shouts back. "I don't even wanna do this! Screw your levers!"

Sakuya frowns and tosses knives up at Koi, who rolls out of the way. One of them hits a container, leaving a slight crack as it bounced off.

"Stupid…" Sakuya looks to Namori, who had apparently wandered off from her lever and just sat in a ball a few feet away. The container was full of boxed pastries.

"Namori!" Sakuya yells. "Namo~ri!"

Namori looks up at her like a deer in the headlights. Koi runs to the lever overhead, and pulls it.

"Hit the lever!" Sakuya shouts.

Namori looks around, confused and frightened.

"Hit it!"

The large baked pastry falls onto the full container, and crumbles on the top packages, which all got crushed immediately.

Little red klaxon lights went off, and sirens sounded!

"No, no, no! This took so lo~ng…!" Sakuya grabbed her hair.

Namori finally leaped onto the lever, but it was too late. The vat thing was gonna blow…!

Kaboom!

Bam!

Boom!

Other containers began exploding from being overfilled with batter, baked pastries, or both, and soon the entire operation literally folded into itself. Like, literally. The inner hinges holding the catwalks up just broke, and the way they fell caused all the vats to slide inwards and towards the lower conveyors.

"Holy shi~t!" Koi screeches, diving off the catwalk system. Namori and Komi flew off normally while Koi landed against the floor with a loud thud.

…

Oo~h, now I know what I was thinking of! It was Mario's Cement Factory!

…

"So," I begin, "That one… was not my fault." She also could've time-stopped and flipped the lever herself, I'm pretty sure.

Sakuya turns to Marisa and me. "...I think… I'm going to go lie down." She quietly informs us.

A~nd she's gone!

The fairies approach us…

"He~y! Hello!" Koi walks up to me and spreads her arms out invitingly.

"No, friend." I put a hand out to try and stop her.

"No means yes." She walks into my hand and tries to squirm around it, but I back up to prevent any grappling attempts.

"Yes means no, and no means no. Get owned." I insert my foot into where she was walking, and she trips!

"Aa~h!"

Thud.

Marisa chuckles. "Fairy problems, ze?"

"You don't even know, yo." You don't even know…

Komi approaches me next, but in a non-predatory way! "I see you've managed to not die. You've also brought public enemy number one with you, apparently."

Have a little faith, friend…! "Yeah, yo. She's fluffy."

Komi looks closely at Marisa's mage hat. "...I think I agree."

"...What's that supposed to mean, ze?" She looks genuinely confused.

"You're huggable." I inform her. "C'mere."

I try and strut towards her casually, but after a quick kick just short of me, I reconsider. "Woah, no."

"Not happening, buddy." Marisa folds her arms, smug.

Komi nods. "A natural reaction. I'd react the same." Komi, you wanted to molestimate me like twenty chapters ago. You are in no place to talk!

I decide to investigate just what the hell was goin' on around here. "So, what was with the uh… spikes, and the elevators, and the kabooms…"

"Something about cakes. I wasn't really paying attention." Komi admits. "I forget why it was needlessly complex."

"I-it was, uhm…" Holy crap! Namori was here! I, uh, totally forgot. Like a freakin' pseudo ninja, and I know that game, yo. "Chief wanted to re-reformat some rooms and halls to be more… complex and hard to navigate, I guess."

Curious.

Marisa asks for me. "Why's that? Couldn't most people just fly over things, anyway?"

Namori looks conflicted. "W-well, yeah, but-but, uhm… she also plans for things like lasers, puzzles, and turrets…"

Puzzles! Auto-turrets!

I agree with all of the above.

Marisa grins. "Sounds like fun! Now, why's that?"

"...I-I think to stop intruders."

…

Marisa guffaws. "Aaa~h… Hahaha! S-stop intruders? Like me? I can just shoot through all those silly puzzles!"

I dunno. If all the hallways become Mario's Cement Factory, I'm pretty sure it'd only manage to kill all the fairy maids. Repeatedly, too, probably. It'd be a freakin' fairy killing factory.

"T-they were kinda more for things that cou- can't fly." Namori justifies.

"Like wha~t!?" Marisa giggles. "This is Gensokyo!"

...This was presumably Remilia's idea of 'better defenses', requested by popular demand. Well, they are indeed defenses, I suppose.

Actually, the absurdity of this setup reminds me…!

"I should get my new stuff appraised by the fluff stuffs!" I decide. "Come along, magic friend."

Marisa tilts her head. "Wha~? Really? This looks like fun, ze…"

I shrug. "We could always come back to chill with the fairy friks. I kinda wanna find out what my stuff does before that yuki-onna jumps me again."

Marisa snorts. "You don't even know what your stuff _does?_ "

I shake my head. "Nope. Variety is the spice of life, friend."

"That's stupid." Marisa gladly takes swoops in to verbally assault me. "What if ya use somethin' real strong and, like, y'dunno how to use it right and blow yourself up?"

"Plant hangers." I argue.

"Oh." Marisa deflates. "...I guess you're right about that one. Still!"

Hyonk. Also… "This is why I'm getting them appraised right now, yo. So I know what they freakin' do!"

"Yeah, well… good!" Witty, Marisa. Very witty.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"hi friend"

You will be boiled alive with- wait, sorry, I actually need this one to not die…

"Hello, friend!" I greet the fluffle. "You're tubby today."

It raises its fins. I think I excited it!

Marisa stares at it. "These weird ass things. I tried to interrogate one the other day. It didn't go so well."

Go figure.

I sat the Youkai Inconveniencer down on the desk, proceeding to grab the chain of cross necklaces and put them on the counter alongside it, to prevent it from hanging off the counter. "Wazzit do, wazzit know, wazzit say…!?"

"Youkai Inconveniencer," The fluffle begins, "its holy and big"

"Just skip to the good parts." I demanded.

"holy flashlight enabled, deals holy damage on strike, can cast shine"

Shine? Is that, uh… different from just flashing really brightly?

"Shine." Marisa nods slowly. "Wo~w. It shines. Scary."

Freakin'... "Get owned, yo."

Meiling was nearby, punching snow at a more relaxed pace. All the snow in a fifty-or-so foot radius was annihilated, it seems.

I ready Youkai Inconveniencer. "Alright… Let's shine light at things!"

I focus mana into the hanger, and point it at Meiling. Do I need to point it? I don't even know what to expect!

Pouring mana in…!

…!

…!

Holy crap that's a lot of mana…

…

Any day n-

Fwoomp!

Like a dart from a blowpipe, a small orb of light shot out of one of the candles and flew towards Meiling.

Meiling froze. "Huh…?"

She whirled around to the ball of light, and punched it.

Fwish!

It enlarged and became… a large ball of light! Wind blew softly from it, and Meiling was engulfed for a moment. It was bright, but not as bright as the sun. Just, like, 'entirely white computer screen' bright.

The orb shrinks, and disappears. Meiling was left with her arms in a guarding position, stumbling back a bit.

"W-what was that…!?" Meiling looked around in alarm. "Holy magic…?"

Her eyes narrowed, and she looked around in a very paranoid manner. Then, she stopped, arms and reflexes prepared for anything.

…

I turn to Marisa, and mouth 'maybe we should go'.

She nods, grinning.

We look around a bit, then I glance at Marisa's broom.

I very silently do a half-whisper, half-mouthing motion. 'Let me on your broom.'

Marisa shakes her head, looking weirded out.

'Why?'

I shake my head exaggeratedly. 'You know why. Freakin' noob.'

'You have that thing.' She replies.

'Tha- the- the what?' I am confused!

'It spins. Flail.' She'd be shouting if we didn't decide dead-quiet was this conversation's tone.

She also means my flail-o-copter, yeah? But uh… 'That makes noise.'

She frowns. 'Seriously, no.'

Now is not the time to be a little miss antsy britches, Marisa. 'Bloody- come on…'

'No.'

Freakin' picky-ass human magician!

"im extra sized" The fluffle breaks the ice.

"Hyaa~h!"

Bam!

Holy shit!

"Aaa~h!" Marisa yelled, flailing her arms and falling off her broom. My arms curled up to my torso reflexively.

…

We looked towards the fluffle stand, which was now just splinters of wood embedded in the wall of snow at the far end of the manor's wallside.

The fluffle was nowhere to speak of. He will be missed…

Meiling looked around. "...Nothing."

I grin nervously. "Is… is combat mode over?"

"Yeah. You wouldn't happen to know what caused that spell just then, would you?" The question is presented a little accusingly…

"...Why uh, would that be?" I ask.

"Do you know?" Meiling's attention is fully on me, now. "Seriously."

"Technically…" Oh, boy- Aae!

I'm grappled by my shirt. "Where are the others, and how many?"

Oi, oi! "Who!? Hold on- oof!" Meiling tosses me, like, five feet away.

The thin layer of snow left on the floor is co~ld! Cushy, but co~ld!

"You said you knew. Where are they positioned?" Meiling walks up to me.

"The spell- it was from my damn hanger!" I lift it up. "Here, you channel some mana into it. Point it at something, too!"

She looks at the flail-hanger, and I toss it to her. She grabs it, raising a brow, and points it at Marisa.

Fwish!

Marisa tries to duck and cover, but the orb just expands immediately from her position, and she's sent flying. "Waa~h!"

Thud.

…

Meiling sighs, tossing the hanger back to me. "That's… some coincidence."

I assume holy magic and her have a bad history.

Clumsily catching the hanger and standing back up, I pat the snow from my bum…

Marisa did the same, basically, but she had to pat the snow from her everythings because that spell threw her around like a ragdoll.

She seethed quietly, grimacing at the cold sensation. Or the limbs-crushed-against-floor-for-a-moment sensation. I think that's called impact!

In any case, "We should still get out of here."

Marisa snorts. "Why's that? Meiling freak ya out?"

I shake my head. "Alright, yo, what're we gonna do here at the mansion that's so gutsy, then?"

Marisa furrows her brows. "...Bother Patchy?"

"She said she is to not be molested during her research!" I argue.

"And?" She grins. "What if we did it… stealthily?"

I pause. "...The hell do you know about stealth? All your spells are literally mana bombs and giant stars."

"All yours are… I don't even know. Wimpy elemental wannabe spells." She countered.

I nod. "Yeah, that sounds about right. But yo, some of it is vaguely utilitarian, and that's what counts at the lower level of Gensokyian living!"

Meiling looked over at us. "If you two wanna get in just to bother Patchouli, you're going to actually have to go through me, you know."

Ahah…

Marisa grinned. "Oh, yeah? You wanna go, China?"

One of Meiling's eyebrows twitched, but she smirked. "Are you sure you want to fight me in the dead of a cold day?"

Marisa nods. "Yes."

…

"But your joints are all stiff and frozen!" Meiling argues."You're not in shape!"

"I don't hafta be in shape!" Marisa counters, "When did mages need ta be in shape?"

"Since they rode brooms at breakneck speeds. Also, wind chill."

Marisa sighed. "Aah, yeah, that's right. Screw winter. Next time I come back, it'll be with a big fluffy scarf. Just you wait, China."

"Yeah, yeah. Scram." Meiling waved her hand dismissively at Marisa.

Marisa's broom raises, and she begins floating off.

"Hold on, yo!" I call out to her. "Take-a-me with you! I don't wanna swim in the snow!" Snow bad for Brad!

"No!" Marisa shouts back, continuing to float away. Hastily, I dig through my sack, and take out the Flail-o-copter, and throw it towards the back of the broom. The panties and rope bits get tangled up on the back bristles of her broom, arcing it downward.

"H-hey!" She kicks at the rope and things, but it accomplishes little. "We won't be flying for long like this…!"

The broom wobbles in the air, and we slowly lower towards the snow. Even so, Marisa begins speeding up. "Get off!"

I can't! "The thing's tangled! Slow down, Marisa!"

"No! Untangle it! I'm not slowing down!"

Stubborn freakin'...!

Eventually, we lower to the point I begin climbing up the rope to avoid imminent pain, which completely throws off Marisa's steering, forcing the broom to aim straight up.

"Aaa~h!"

She slides backwards off it, grabbing onto the upper portion of the rope and- Agh!

"Mind the head!" Freakin' booted me, nearly! Basically, anyway.

"You moron!" She berates me.

Our combined weight causes the panties and stuff to simply rip the bristles from the bottom of the broom. As such, we are subject to gravity. Not that it matters, we practically slid into the snow anyway.

We land in the sn- Aagh! Cold, cold, pressure, and pain! And cold!

Marisa ends up on top of me, and I have absolutely no feelings of admiration because I am being crushed into snow. Also, flail-o-copter bits digging into me. Jesus!

"Co~ld!" Marisa wails, leaping off me and into more snow. "W-we're stuck…!"

I sit up hastily, irritated and vaguely worried about our situation.

Yeah, we are kinda stuck… but we're still high enough for me to swing the flail around!

The snow shifts slightly.

We won't be for long, though. Fear strikes my heart a bit, but I'm a bit too pissed to care.

"You f-fucking idiot…" Marisa stutters, teeth beginning to chatter. "We-we're sinking…"

I quickly get the flail sorted; it thankfully wasn't tangled. Well, too tangled, anyway. I can still use it for its intended ghetto purpose!

"Marisa, grab my waist." I tell her.

"F-fuck off…" Marisa scowls at me, sinking deeper in the snow. "I-I gotta find a way to get out! Stupid… gah…" She grits her teeth. "C'mon…" She reaches for her pockets, but they're beneath the snow. "Stupid sn-snow! Move!"

"M-Marisa," Oh, geez, my teeth are chattering involuntarily too, now… "Grab on. We're fl-fl-...ying." Goodbye, pronunciation! I shall remember you well.

"How?" She narrows her eyes. "Y-you just want one last feel before you die! I'm not dying, here! Not now, and not because of you!"

Bloody… grab me, you idiot! "Just grab..." Words are becoming hard!

"I-I can't die…" Marisa's shouting becomes weak. "A-all this… w-what would Reimu think…?"

...Honestly, I don't think it's that cold. Sure, sinking in the snow is kinda bad, but if I'm going to be honest, it'd probably be at least ten to twenty minutes before we were in any serious danger. From the cold, that is. If we sink, we're pretty much screwed.

"Hey, M-M…" Ahah, screw the cold, sometimes. "...Marisa." I manage.

She latches onto me, and works her way up my clothes with powerful, stiff clutches. "T-this is your fault!"

She's crying now- not particularly great because it's probably gonna freeze, to be honest- and still climbing…

She's going for my sodding neck! Spin the flail! Spin it, arms!

I begin spinning it, and between the tangled bits and everything, it ends up having less general spinning diameter, rendering the business end closer to me. Marisa relents slightly from my neck, hanging onto my torso instead and glaring at me like she wants to consume my soul.

We slowly gain height, and I begin flying towards Marisa's house. I assume it's not tanked; I mean, she didn't spend all day at the shrine.

"I-I hate…" Marisa begins.

"Me?" I hazard.

"D-don't do that." She sternly declared. "...You don't know what I was gonna say."

I don't really have the energy to reply.

"...But y-yeah. I… hate you."

...We're about midway to Marisa's house. I think. The snow makes this hard in some respects; it's so bright, and freakin'... pain. It's also cold as balls.

"Hate…" I begin, finding my voice a little. "...Strong word." I meant to say 'is a strong word' but, y'know, 'is' is a hard word to pronounce with only exaggerated and imprecise effort.

"Shut it."

That went well!

"...W-we're different." Marisa began.

Well… yeah. We're similar, but not the same, obviously.

"I worked… for my magic." Marisa began. "I… t-trained! I had a t-teacher!"

Things I lacked!

"You…" She continued, "You have nothing."

I have crusty pillows, however.

I think we're near her house. I see trees, and- oh, yeah, there it is. I think that uneven and awkward lump of snow is it. Alice's house would be cleared a bit, wouldn't it? This one is just, uh… Oi, I see bits of things! This is definitely Marisa's place.

"Y-you just… appear, and start doing things. You've… been here a m-month at best…"

Have I? Time flies when days- you know, maybe I shouldn't break the fourth wall when we're in a perilous situation… I think Yukari would probably just take the opportunity to off me, or something. Or she might do it by accident.

Either way, no.

The venom in her voice is real. "I-i… S'not fair. You're not fair."

...Am I, really?

…

No. Well, not really, at least. Nothing's really fair, but when it comes down to it, I've worked quite a bit myself to get my garbage. And that's what it is, garbage. Marisa has this legendary freakin' catalyst, the Mini-Hakkero, and she's been in this land her whole life. Me? A month to my name, prior knowledge about the world, and some experience playing open-world games. She's got at _least twice_ the experience I do, and actually lived through it all, making it _far_ more substantial than mine.

…

Maybe I should voice these things to her. That'd probably do more good than freakin' talking to myself!

What's the real reason she hates me, though? All too often, it seems like the people who hate me the most are like, the people who are the most like me. Freakin' weird…

I near Marisa's house from above…

"I-I dug into the bedroom. See that…?" She uses her leg to weakly gesture to a dug in portion of the snow.

I can't reply to agree, but I see it! I lower us towards it… y'know, I think I'll just drop us in. The thing can afford to get stuck in the roof.

Thunk!

I let go, and we slide inside.

Marisa lets go of me, and stumbles about the room. She immediately goes for a blanket. "A-ah…"

It's a lot better in here. No wind? Yo ho ho…

I look around the room. "Anything t-to burn?" I got a fire hanger…!

"N-no. Don't touch anything." Marisa monotones.

Daw. Wait…

I generate some wooden blocks! I near the snowy patch we slid in on, and place them there. I then take out Flame Salvo and light a pile of about twenty blocks on fire.

Here's the dealio: the smoke'll go up the shaft, and the heat'll also go up the shaft, but also into the room! Ey~...!

"Home." I jest.

"Not yours." Marisa counters.

"It's tiny." I add.

"No thanks to you."

Oof. She's not wrong.

"...Well. I'm sorry." I actually apologize! I mean, I probably did before- I mean, I better have before- but whether I did or didn't, that doesn't matter now. I feel kinda bad.

"...Screw you."

Help, no.

"Seriously. I'm sorry for wrecking your pad." Speech is becoming easier. Sweet, sweet warmth…

"Yeah, okay." Marisa nods. "Whatever."

"I'll _prove_ it to you." I announce. "I will _make_ you a new home."

"Pffft." She shakes her head. "As if. Once the snow melts, you're outta here. I know it."

I fold my arms. "How so?"

"'Cause that's what I'd do." She quickly replies.

…

"But would you _really?_ " I tilt my head.

"Nobody ever got anywhere by bein' _nice_ to one another. Not from what I've seen." Marisa explains. "Gensokyo's beautiful, don't get me wrong, but fuck me if it isn't cruel, too."

Woah, there, Marisa. You better watch that edge, I might get a freakin' paper cut here.

Marisa's a teenager, isn't she? I think I know where part of the complaining is coming from…

Alright, so teenager problems _are_ real problems, and you get stupid adults from people who weren't able to handle their teenage mental gymnastics. It's all part of growing up, they say, but you'd be surprised how precariously non-automatic some aspects of growing up are.

...That's the way I see it, at least.

"...Yeah, Gensokyo can be a cruel place." I agree. "...So can everything else that isn't Gensokyo."

She looks up from the fire at me. "Whaddaya mean?"

"The outside world sucks." I tell her.

"Haha. Good one." Marisa monotones. "A land of no youkai. With amazing technology. And it sucks."

I turn to her. "Imagine the human village."

That gets her attention.

"Now make it ten million times as big. No, seriously, think of all of Gensokyo, and like, multiply it fifty times. I think that's like, Japan."

She scowls at me. "I know what a globe is."

...I didn't know that, to be fair! "Alright, well, imagine that the large bulk of places on that globe are dotted with human villages, and they're all just as if not exponentially more shite than the dump here. And there's no youkai to be friends with to get away from the politics."

Marisa snorts. "You're exaggerating."

I shrug. "I like Gensokyo a lot better, to be honest." Less to think and worry about. In a few years, I might regret what I left behind, but y'know what they say, the grass is always greener. Besides, I can probably arrange something with Sanae or Kaguya to get computer access frequently, so it's not all that bad here.

…

"Why?" Marisa asks of me.

"Less to worry about, less things to think about." Repeating myself verbally! "Also, crazy magics to obtain." Rockin' magi waifu also a goal, but that's probably not happening anytime soon.

"...So it's 'cause you're stupid?" She jabs.

Friend, if I was, I wouldn't type four-hundred thousand words of pure, debatably coherent insanity.

"Yeah, it's 'cause I'm a fookin' stoopid." I smile.

Marisa gives a lopsided grin. "You got that right, ze."

…

So why's she hate me, again? Man, I suck at these things. I should just bluntly ask her.

"So, why d'you hate my guts again?" I inquire.

Marisa pauses a moment. "I don't like your attitude, I guess."

You don't like my attitude? I'm mystified…

"What about it?"

She turns to me, furrowing her brows.

"...What about it don't you like, I mean?" Didn't mean to be offensive, there…!

Marisa turns back towards the fire. "...You should know. You said we're the same, right?"

Well, not exactly…! "Kinda, but not really."

"Just say yes." She dryly demands.

"But I didn't." Help, no.

"Honestly? Fine, whatever." She rolls her eyes.

…

We stare at the fire for awhile. I throw more blocks in to keep it going.

Marisa moves to her bed.

"It's day. I think." Can't really tell…!

Marisa turns to me, irritated. "Can I just relax?"

Freakin'...

A moment of silence later, and she lies down.

I have a feeling there's more than meets the eye to what she dislikes about me… but, for some reason, I can't put my finger on it. I was better at critical thinking outside the boundary. Dang it.

Maybe it'll come to me eventually, but something just strikes me as odd about her replies.

…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Eventually, a hole is blown in the roof.

Bam!

"Does anyone happen to still live here?"

Ee~y! It's Alice!

She floats in through the hole she blew in. "Oh. My apologies, I guess. I didn't know this house was still in service."

Marisa sits up on the bed. "Hey, Alice!"

...She notices the hole in the roof, and she shifts in discomfort a bit.

Some dolls with little snow shovels float in. "I came by to see if you were frozen solid or not. Apparently you're only a few steps away. Nice thinking with the fire pit, though." Alice took notice of the fire pit I made.

Marisa grins. "Thanks, ze."

Stole my credit, but at this point, I'm in that zen argumentative stage of mine where I don't really get frustrated by things. Yeah, I'm still thinking about what Marisa said.

"...I see Brad is here, too." Alice observes. "I take it this is a hobo shelter, now?"

I grin. "Yeah, yo."

Alice gestures to the dolls with snow shovels. "Anyway, I'm here to dig you out of the ice age."

Marisa scratches the back of her head. "Thanks again…" I can tell she's feelin' awkward!

"Mmm."

With that, Alice leaves through the hole in the roof.

...Marisa turns to me. "Taking your leave now?"

I shake my head. "Nope."

"What do you want?" She stares at me critically.

"To build you a new team fortress!" I respond. Maybe without the team part, but y'know… a new hut.

She snorts, shaking her head. The conversation ends there.

I hear the curious sound of many, many snow shovels being put to work outside. Marisa's going to probably have a tall tower of snow around her house by the time the shoveling's done. That, or the dolls will just roast all the snow.

How does Alice have the mana to support them all, anyway? I've got ideas, but… I don't freakin' know!

...I open the door to Marisa's main room, and see snow.

I leap out of the way as it flows in through the door. Great! "I may have invited the snow!"

Marisa snorts.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Thirty-ish minutes later, the snow is all gone. Alice has fabricated a more appropriate mid-room fire pit near the hole in the ceiling she made, and I did the honors of making a ton of freakin' dinky blocks.

"...How does London fare?" Alice asked me.

With a smirk, I begin the fun tale. "She's burly. She also apparently is mildly adept at fighting other Londons."

Alice blinked. "Other Londons?"

I nod. "You see, Eiki Shiki made a mirror clone of me to beat me the fuck up, and then a dark clone of me was made from some mansion mirror, and it was basically a three way brawl. It was great."

...Nodding slowly, Alice acknowledged the tale. "That's… good, I guess? Wait, does that mean there was a third London?"

I nod again. "Yeah. Dark London was a bitch. She used attacks that I assume would have fancy, edgy names like 'Bolts of Sorrow' or 'Freakin' Skullsmasher Deluxe'."

"Interesting…" Alice idly commented.

"How much of that story was made up?" Marisa inquired.

I roll my eyes. "Ask the bloody Yama herself, then. Like… you can also ask Sakuya."

She huffs.

Alice notes the tension, and sighs. "Are you still in protest of this outsider?"

"Damn right I am. He took my stuff, and broke my house!" Marisa finished with a yell.

Alice calmly countered. "...You mean _you_ broke your house, if your own recounting means anything. I'd be more careful where I point that hakkero, if I were you."

Marisa scowls, but says no more.

Why must you be so on edge, friend?

She proceeds to try and say something to justify herself. "...I-I had to defend my house…"

"That sounds like a personal problem." Alice jabs in jest.

Personal problem…

…

Holy…! That's it! That's… onto something! I feel!

Marisa has… a personal problem!

"But seriously, you could have used weaker danmaku. Brad never was, and still is not, a powerhouse of any sort." Alice finishes.

Marisa grumbles. "Mmrph…"

I snap my fingers. "Marisa, are you unsure of your personal identity?"

…

Alice sighed. "Now where did _that_ come from?"

Yeah, maybe I coulda worded that better.

"S'that a joke?" Marisa was all frowny faces, today. "'Cause I ain't laughin'."

I shake my head. "Nope. Legit question."

A defensive reply greets me. "Stupid question. Of course I'm sure of my identity. I'm the only Marisa, after all."

That's not what I meant, but okay!

Alice shook her head. "What even _is_ this discussion? What are we talking about?"

"Brad is annoying." Marisa summarizes her experience.

"I'm trying to gauge how much Marisa despises me, and I think it has something to do with her character and how she sees herself." I summarize my experience.

"...Why?" Alice asks me. "Does her opinion of you really matter?"

I shrug. "It kinda grinds my gears to think someone so similar to me hates me for something so petty. Feels like a missed opportunity, y'know? Life's too short to just indiscriminately hate people."

...Alice blinked. "Cliche, but thoughtful, I suppose. Well, good luck. I don't want much part in that, though. Marisa's mind is not something to be delved into, I'm sure."

With that, Alice begins floating away. "Don't kill each other, now."

Maybe I'm thinking about what _she's_ doing wrong too much, too. I mean, I haven't done _too_ much myself, aside from steal her stuff and be a general pest, but it seems that hate just kinda evolved, and me being me didn't help things. I think I know how to set things right… without sacrificing too much of my dignity, at least!

…

Next order of operation: mining in the snow for trees to cut down to make Marisa's house, yea~h! Also, I hope Marisa is handy with a hammer, 'cause I'm not at all! And an axe. And nails.

For now, I think I'll just relax by the fire, though...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 31

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Unknown ice spell acquired?

INVENTORY:

Youkai Inconveniencer - Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Yet to be discovered other spell…?

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives that I mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

Holy Talismans - Provides a holy upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

Electric Talismans - Provides an electric upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out...

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Nuggets.

anyhow, this chapter had some curiously serious undertones but ai try and keep things REALISTICALLY WHIMSICAL while at the same time WORKABLE

...after all, comedy is the diversion of expectations; to shift the expectations is to simply grab hold of the comedic reigns once more and open new doors

just the way a "constantly-following-this-guy's-pov" story works! it ain't all SUNSHINE AND LOLIS… lollipops, i mean.

...hyonk

some people are just gonna be edgy teenagers, sometimes; such is life

but anyways, shenanigans

see you all next time, yo!

...oh, yeah, the weather up there is "sunny as hell", but the way.


	39. Makin' Like An Eskimo!

(in which we ruffle fluffy hats)

"It is time to make the donuts."

Getting up from the fire, I take out Tundra Bloomer. "Today I shall dig a hole! Horizontally!"

Marisa looks up at me. "...Sure."

Moving through the destroyed everythings, I go outside Marisa's house bits and approach the wall of snow.

"Now it's down to you and me, you snow… freaks… freak?" Should it even be plural? Whatever…

Also, I'd like to remind everyone that it's stupid cold. Not _that_ stupid cold anymore, but… stupid cold.

I begin digging at the snow by buffing myself with Tundra Bloomer, and then attacking the snow. Gradually, my swings dig through it.

Progression of things! This excites me!

In retrospect, I feel like my mindset was a bit too much of blaming Marisa for things earlier. I mean, I still think all the hate's a _bit_ unjustified, but I should probably aggress the mage less, and start aggressing myself.

After some time of eagerly brutalizing the snow, I find something solid!

"Tree, ho~!"

How to cut it?... Different story entirely. I'll cross that bridge later. For now, I'm just gonna clear out the snow around it. I'd use the fire hanger, but I don't have enough mana to work with. That, and I'd run the risk of catching the tree. I don't think a frosty forest fire is a good way of building a house…

In a few moments, I've cleared out the snow around it. I have come to the reality that I have zero tools for house building.

I whack the tree! The big, burly, Forest of Magic tree that happens to uh...

…

That's freakin' frozen, yo. Nevermind building the house, how am I gonna harvest the resources!? Unless Marisa wants a nice igloo, we're boned!

I walk back inside.

"You're still here?" Marisa dryly asks. "I thought you split thirty minutes ago."

"Nope." How can it be thirty minutes if you don't have clocks? "I tried mining in the snow for tree bits."

She snorted. "How many trees didja find?"

"One. It's freakin' frozen."

"Heat it up, then." She rebukes.

"How." I stare at her pathetically. "Help, friend."

She shakes her head. "No."

I bring my arms up for gestifications! "Friend, please, I buy you slovakian king in new country! Help out me, do!"

"You're a mage, aren't you?" She scoffs. "Figure it out."

"I am but a shitty wizard." I tell her. "All I know how to cast are nuggets. And the famed A.R.S.E. mines."

It'd kick serious ass if I could actually cast A.R.S.E. mines, but to be honest, I'd probably kill myself accidentally moments after I acquired them.

"The what…?" She rolls her eyes. "Use that, then."

This is freakin' difficu~lt! "Friend, I have been here a month, and I don't know shit about magic!"

Marisa finally grins. "Damn right."

"I would like to humbly request your help, friend." I ask of her. "I scratch your back, you scratch mine?"

"Except I'd be the only one doing the scratchin'." Marisa argued.

Well. Maybe…

I shrug. "I'm good at sidequests, yo. I can run errands like no one could ever believe." Sometimes. If I feel like it.

"Then build me a house."

…

"Except that one!" I smile sheepishly.

"Thought so." Marisa sat down on her bed. "You said you'd build me a house. Build me a house, then."

Oh, boy.

"Bu-"

"Build. Me. A. House." Marisa declared with finality. "Don't think of talking to me 'till then, 'kay?"

...I've got an idea.

"...Alright, friend." I get up, moving to leave. "I'll be back."

"Su~re." She sighs.

Readying the yin-yang flail-o-copter, I fly away from Marisa's house into the cold-as-balls winter air…

…

"'Bout time." Marisa stood up, ready to go about her things. "Better not come back…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I walk into Rinnosuke's shop!

"You there!" I point at him.

"Me here." He points to himself.

"Ho ho!" I exclaim. "I need a pound of Elmer Fudd!"

"I'm sorry?"

Freakin'...

"Glue." I reiterate.

"Oh." He nods. "Fresh out. Not really, we've been out for awhile. Thanks to you."

Oof…

"Do I have to make another blood pact with Yukari?" I ask him. Last time I did, she wanted me to fight a ghost that was like, nine thousand levels higher than me.

"If the last one went well, she probably won't." He explained.

Daw.

A gap opens! "You rang?"

I get in her face. "Me and Marisa, trying to make friends! Need a pound of super glue! Interesting prospect, yes?"

She nods, "I suppose…"

"Supplies please." I hold out my arms!

She shakes her head. "...I'm not simply an easy fix to your problems, I hope you realize?"

Oh, shit.

"...Well… You're a sponsor!" I exclaim! C'mon, gimme this one, yo...

She glances at her nails for a moment. Except, she's wearing gloves…! "Nope. Hardly an observer."

Woah, no.

She yawns. "My rest is quite delayed, and while I could give you what you want… I think I won't. Because I likely won't be watching. Tata~!"

With that, Yukari's gone.

...No super glue, then. Guess I need a new plan!

"You heard the woman." Rinnosuke lifts his book again. "No glue."

"No glue? Me sell to you slovakian king…" I rest my head on his desk.

"No glue."

Hmmm… I could try the duct tape in Reimu's shrine, then.

"Alright, yo. Guess I'll just... mosey on out." I get up, and leave the store. Rinnosuke stares at me curiously as I depart.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I open the door to the Hakurei Shrine, entering through that big laser hole Marisa left in the snow.

Reimu's there, sitting under the kotatsu, as she was when I left.

"...Welcome back." She idly greets me. "Too cold out there?"

I shake my head. "I need duct tape to build Marisa a house because friendship reasons!"

Reimu blinks. "Slow down there. What's this about Marisa?"

...Walking up to the kotatsu, I sit down. "So, she wants my head on a pike, right?"

Reimu shrugs. "I guess. She's talked poorly of you once or twice, but I keep telling her grudges aren't healthy. I'm not sure if she's listening, but she's stopped complaining about you. That was awhile ago, though, back when you trashed her house."

Mmm… "So I wanna build her a house to make up for it, yo. Because she still wants me to burn and all that."

"Sounds good." Reimu nods. "How's it coming?"

...I grin sheepishly. "I dunno how to build houses. Like, at all."

She snorts. "Surprising, considering your penchant for building weird things."

You see, I am but a hobbyist, not a professional! "Well… yeah. I came by to nick duct tape from the box. I'm planning on making a hut out of duct tape and tiny wooden blocks."

"...That might just make her more angry." Reimu considered. "Whatever you think works, though. I'm not getting involved."

Hyonk. "It's the thought that counts, friend."

"Sure."

I get up from the kotatsu, and move towards the kitchen. Let's see here… Twenty rolls should do it? I think? Let's go with twenty…

I pocket the twenty, and as I do, my subconscious gives me a new idea!

Marisa might get that igloo after all…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

My yin-yang flail gets caught on the chimney bricks. I didn't ever see a fireplace in the house, even! Why's she have a chimney just suspended off a few boards of wood!?

"Woaa~h!"

Thud. Not my most graceful landing…

Marisa jumps at my sudden presence. She seems to have been rummaging through the piles of books in the destroyed portion of her house, salvaging things. A lot of them were highly damage resistant, thanks to Patchouli, because yeah, they were all freakin' stolen.

But we won't talk about that!

"..." Marisa wordlessly glares at me. "Back for round two?"

I nod. "I come with building supplies."

"Where are they, then?"

I begin pulling out duct tape…

She scoffs. "You're joking."

"Hey, hey, hey." I begin, "I'm no good with wood and a hammer. But I am good with duct tape."

"You can't make a house from that stuff." Marisa states outright.

...I shrug. "I'll freakin' try, yo. I'll freakin' try."

Wooden blocks and tape'll be one part, yes, bu~t…

"How cold is it, outside? Temperature wise, I mean."

Marisa shrugs. "Beats me."

Friend, you're no help. "...Guess I'll find out!"

I sit down, and begin generating some wooden blocks. I make a pad about ten blocks wide, and ten blocks across.

"...That's gonna take awhile." Marisa comments.

Grinning, I defend my choice of action. "I have ways."

Good defense, right? Best argument.

Marisa nods. "I'm sure you do."

I've been bested!

I duct tape the blocks together, and flip them over. On the bottom, I stack walls around the edges that are, like, five high.

Marisa's stopped paying attention at this point, digging through books. She grabs a few, and moves back to her room with them, before coming back and grabbing more.

Once I finish my weird tub of blocks, I look up to her. "Hey, Marisa. I gots a question."

"Mmm." She hums unenthusiastically. "Yeah?"

"...You know any enchantments to stop ice from melting? For like, good?"

She shakes her head. "Got a book on it, somewhere. Don't really care."

Good enough.

I take out Deep Blue, and hold it over the- wait. Pausing, I take more duct tape, and really lather the small indent thing in it. To make sure none of the water gets out.

Now I hold Deep Blue over it, and twist the valve just enough for it to start flowing in at a good rate. At this, I nod with satisfaction.

Marisa eventually comes to check things out once she hears the sound of water plopping into a bucket. She stares at what I'm doing. "...What are you even doing?"

"It is hydro-construction." I tell her. "It's one of the many ways of the old country."

"Really?"

I shake my head. "Nah, I'm just screwing with you. I'm testing an idea towards getting a new building material, though."

She nods, slightly irked. "I… see."

With the tub filled up and sufficiently leakless, I pick it up and move it outside, placing it in the snow.

"Now we wait for it to freeze!" I exclaim, only to realize Marisa didn't even bother to follow me. Now I feel stupid.

Now… I'm gonna need a lot more bricks, and thus, a lot more holders, depending on how long it takes!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Marisa probably went to nap, or something, I've just been making nothing but brick holders en masse for like, an hour. Or something.

What I basically do is just repeat one section over and over again and then piece them all together. It works quite well, 'cause I have like, fifteen now.

Placing them outside, I realize the one I sat outside is now fully frozen. It is, infact, freezing temperature!

"Yeaa~h!" I jump in place, then curse myself because all the warm air in my clothes decided to continue going up and not come back down. "Noo…"

I retreat back inside!

...Well, about as inside as a pavilion and some tattered walling is, anyway. Actually, you know what I should do…?

I go back outside, grab one of the frozen blocks- well, the entire mold and block because it's kinda stuck together- and take it 'inside'.

A few taps from Swift Brand break the ice from the duct tape, and I lift it out.

By the way, ice is cold. Hands don't like cold!

"Yo yo yo…!" I protest, quickly moving to the part where the walling of Marisa's room stops, and placing the ice block against it.

...I'm gonna need a lot of ice blocks. Holy frik.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: MARISA KIRISAME'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Aaa~h… It's still cold as hell. I hope I didn't sleep the whole day away…

What I was I doing again?

I idly scratch my cheek, looking around. The fire's out, too…

Wait wait, that's right! I was angry about that wannabe mage asshole! He's probably gone, now. I probably came off as weird, but I honestly don't care. The guy's full of himself, no two ways about it.

I probably won't see him again for a few days, anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter. Those books really need to get moved inside here, though. It's a miracle so few were damaged after everything that's happened…

I open up the door outside- what the fuck.

Before me is a production line.

Stacks of books created an even rectangle, going from the 'inside' of the house and looping all the way around what used to be the front wall. The corners had a ton of books stacked to make a angle to direct the mold things.

Brad had those mold things going all the way around the entire line. What he did was pour water into one of the molds from a large bucket, push it along, then take the next frozen mold, break the ice from it, and plant it off to the side somewhere. From there, he filled the mold with water again, and pushed it right along.

Like this, he mass-produced ice blocks.

"Hello, friend!" He waved to me. "Welcome to the fluffy production company!"

Speaking of fluff, there was a fluffle chilling in one of the recently filled water buckets. The thing'd freeze!

"...What." I double-took, then realized he actually had a sign hung up above him that said 'Fluffy Production Company', in English. It was probably written with _my_ ink!

"We make ice." He explains. "We're cool like that."

…

"...I'll bash my head in with a block now." He grins.

So he's actually building me a house. Out of ice cubes.

"...You wouldn't happen to have any mittens, would you?" He asks. "...It's fookin' cold!"

"Why." I ask.

"'Cause it's co~ld!"

"No…" Freaking… "Why are you actually making me a house?"

"...'Cause it's co~ld!" He repeats.

This guy… "...You're not gettin' anything from it, you know."

"I get to see fluffles bathing in water until they become blocks." He shrugs. "I think that's its own reward."

...True, I guess.

Looking around, I notice he's started a small segment of wall already. The ice connected seamlessly…

"How'd you make the ice like that?" Really. I thought he said he didn't have any tools…

"A few taps with my fire hanger, yo. Thawing and refreezing only works if you're making crude ice structures, as it turns out."

Huh.

He had to have like, fifty blocks beside him right now.

...I watch the process for awhile.

"...I wish there was freakin' music." He complains. "Then this would really be jammin'. Like, factory music or something. I dunno how to describe it."

I have no idea what he means, but I feel like music would be unfitting. Whatever floats his boat.

"Alright, I should probably start stackin' these bricks." He carefully slides out one segment of the assembly line so that he could move out. He lifts each brick one by one, clumsily lugging them to the wall, and tapping them with the fire hanger to lock them in place.

"It's a long process," He begins, "but it's better than freezing my ass off flying around."

He walks up to the piles of bricks, and a fluffles is now standing on the top, 'running' towards him while flailing its limbs windmill style. It's not going anywhere, though.

"Cuddly." He grabs it and hugs it, then tosses it aside. "You might have a small fluffle problem, too."

Probably because of that one I brought home earlier. I mean, c'mon, they're so ti~ny!

…

Um. Yeah.

"It's gonna take awhile, ze." I tell him. "You sure you wanna keep doing this?"

I'm surprised. Genuinely surprised he's gone this far. I don't think I would've. Then again, I could've just gone and asked the fairies, or maybe Suika, to build something for me. I probably could've asked one of those people to build my house.

Brad probably could've asked one of those people to build my house. But instead, he's here, actually building the house.

Out of ice.

…

He stops production of blocks for a moment, staring at me as I stare at him.

"...Hm." He shrugs, and continues. "Say, you have any luck with that ice book?"

"The what, ze?" Say what now?

"The book, with the ice, and the not melting!" He elaborates. "Things!"

Oh, that. Right…

"...You didn't even start didja?"

I shake my head.

"Alright, yo. Well, it's probably one of the parts of the line, anyway. Try'n float around it and look at the books, if you can. I'm just gonna be makin' blocks."

...I lean over and begin examining some of the books he's using. Numerous have no details on their spines, however, so it's not like this helps at all. I honestly have no clue where I put that book.

I still can't believe he actually followed through.

…

Moving around the side of the production line, I see that fluffle who was bathing again. He was now, indeed, frozen in a block of ice, stuck in its bathing posture.

"im warm to the touch" it told me.

I poke it.

Not anymore, it wasn't.

…

"Any luck, yo?" He asks.

"Nope." I sigh. "Got no clue…

"We probably have, like, a week to find it." Brad reflects. "Things seem freakin' cold right now."

…

I guess he's not _as_ much of an asshole as I thought…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

The sun begins to set, and I've only made, like, that dinky bit of wall that stretches from her room to the right side of the house; from there begins the first _real_ wall.

"Jesus…" I chuckle. "I'm gonna be here awhile. We need someone to freakin' enlist Cirno, or something. That'd make this job trivially easy."

Marisa gives me a half-smirk. "I knew you'd get tired of it eventually."

I shrug. "Well, I'll still do it. Just a lot slower, and I'll be bitchin' and moanin' the entire time. Give or take a few second winds."

At this point, I may as well build my own ice castle. If I could automate this process, I'd literally have infinite ice bricks. I'd just need Marisa to enchant them… if we ever find that book, mind you.

Placing them is also pretty tedious, 'cause they're not big, mind you. Well, they're big, but not big big. Not as convenient as stuff like logs or boards, 'cause they're bricks.

She snorts. "I hear ya."

…

"We _really_ do need to find that book." I reflect. "That's kinda critical to making sure this thing doesn't melt."

"I don't even see any destroyed bits of it, meaning it's intact somewhere." Marisa explains, "I dunno where, though. The last time I opened it up was like… a while."

Woah, no.

"It was over here, it shoulda been in this pile…" She gestures to a nearly entirely gone pile of books. "...Wait."

She turns to me. "...You took it."

Wat. "I took it?"

She nods. "When you made that run for Patchy…"

…

Oh, balls. Of _course_.

"That'd figure, wouldn't it?" I slouch.

"Yeah." Marisa grins.

…

"Whelp, we've got two options." I begin.

Marisa puts her hands on her hips. "Those are?"

"We ask Patchy for the book back _nicely_ …"

She snorts. "Good luck, ze. She said she didn't wanna be disturbed, remember?"

Was there a time frame on that, or did she just tell us to sod off for the rest of eternity? Probably both, but y'know… "Option two, is that we freakin' clean her clock and find it by _force!_ " I emphasize my point by punching my fist into my open hand.

"...Whatever works, ze. I'm goin' to bed right now, though." Marisa gets up, and moves to the bedroom. I briefly pondered if she could make a fire, then remembered she had a mini-hakkero. Pretty sure that thing could create infernos!

That did give me an idea, though…

"...You can sleep in my room, if you want." Marisa offers. "On a few conditions…"

I'm tired, but tired is the best time to do what it is I plan to do!

I stare up at the chimney, where my Yin-Yang Flail-o-copter is still stuck. "Hey, Marisa…"

She sighs. "I was kinda talking to you, y'know."

"How viable would infiltrating the library at night be?"

She blinks. "...Not very?"

Perfect.

…

"Also, can you get my flail down from there?" I point at it. "...I can't jump that high. Help."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I land in front of the Scarlet Devil Mansion's gate. It's a peaceful night, all things considered. A pale, but bright, blue glow washes over the land, brightened by the sheer volume the snow adds to the night time air.

Not even crickets chirp, because they're all probably dead.

Well, it _would_ be a peaceful night…

...if I wasn't getting chased by a _huge ass squad_ of night fairies holy fucking shit!

"Leave, me, alo~ne, noo~bs!" I yell back at them, dropping my flail as I touch down and pull out the Youkai Inconveniencer.

"You're ours, now!"

"What a _gaudy_ weapon…"

"Y-you might need a-a… heheh, _makeover_ …"

I like their designs, though. Some are, as that fairy said, gaudy, with purple sparkles and crap that make them look like drag queens, but a few others actually do the dark look right. They got like, bags under their eyes and look all sickly 'n' creepy, but in a cute way. Also, bangs that cover one or more eyes. That's probably like, night fairy one-oh-one.

Meiling is… not here, apparently! I assume she gets sleep breaks at certain intervals and things. Or something. I really dunno how it works.

That means infiltration could be easy, but on the other hand, these fairies probably would rather nothing than to explodinate me.

Danmaku sits on the tips of their fingertips as they float around me menacingly.

"Nowhere for him to ru~n! Nowhere for him to ru~n!"

"Hahaha! We trapped him!"

I hold up the Youkai Inconveniencer. "Item crash! Holy cross!"

Fwaa~sh! I did the thing with the flash, and yeah!

"A-aaa~h!"

The screaming means it worked!

I pick up the flail again, and hover over the manor gate while they're stunned. They eventually catch wind of what's going on, and fly over the gate to chase me.

I run backwards, gazing up at them as they float up the gate, when I suddenly hit something while retreating backwards.

Attempting to turn around, arms wrap around me!

"What are _you_ doing here?" Meiling neutrally inquires!

Gots me an excuse this time! "Chased by night fairies. Help, friend."

...Reluctantly, she lets go of me once she sees the fairies.

"...It's visiting hours, anyway." She grins at me. "Try not to piss anyone off this time."

No promises!

I run into the mansion as Meiling goes to war.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I wonder if Patchy's still awake. If so… shieut.

If not, good!

I'm praying it's the latter! Negotiating might not be my strong suit…

I see Ha-chan in the lobby, still conversing with the same group of friends even though I left literally like a freakin' day ago.

"So that's when I was all like, 'veeroow'!" Ha-chan exclaims, bringing her hands together for some reason.

"Ooo~h!" The fairy maids I dunno all gush around her.

...I think I'll just let her do her thing. She'd be detrimental to the operation.

I walk forward, and Sakuya.

"Hi." I greet the new friend!

"Hey." She greets me. "...I thought we had an actual visitor for the evening. It's just you."

I nod. "I'm fluffy."

"Did you come to lodge or otherwise?" She folds her arms.

If lodge, she'd probably show me to a room, so~... "Otherwise?"

"Such as?"

The dreaded! Please, no! No! Noooo~!

"...Otherwise." I affirm.

Sakuya stares at me dryly.

"...Oh, god, otherwise." I shake my head slowly. "...Otherwise. Otherwise! Otherwi~se! Aaah, aaa~h! Aaa- ough!"

Sakuya slaps me on the back of the head. "Cut that out!"

Pain!

"...You'll disturb the peace." She glares at me.

I look at Ha-chan and her friends.

"-So then, I exploded and died, becoming one with an electric maelstrom!" Ha-chan finished excitedly, flailing her hands in the air.

Her friends nodded approvingly.

I turn back to Sakuya. "...I think they're already disturbed."

She snorts. "I suppose you don't need any help, then."

With that, she vanishes. She's not wrong!

I begin walking through the halls to try and locate the library doors…

...and I end up in front of Remilia's room. I wasn't even on the bloody second floor. Oh, frik, the place is getting its groove back!

I run away in an attempt to reach the stairs back to the first floor, but I just wind up right back in front of Remilia's room!

I open a random room door, and another room in the same hall opens at the same time. I stare at it for a moment.

…This better not be what I think it's gonna be…

I walk into the door, and instead of entering the room, I just come out the other open door. I close it, closing the other one I opened earlier.

Okay, now that was a page from _my_ book. Remilia, please.

...I guess I got no other freakin' choice, then!

I walk up to Remilia's door, and open it up.

"Oh?" She looks up from her tea table, smirking. "I see someone has decided to pay me a visit, this chilly evening…"

"As demanded by the hallways." I tell her. "A.k.a, you."

Ignoring my jab, she continues. "What brings you around these parts?"

...Wouldn't it be obvious to her? I usually come for knickknacks and paddywhacks! "Nuggets." I dunno what to say. I'm not gonna admit I came here for some thefting.

She grins, but raises a brow. "...Too harsh and cold out there, for you, I take it?"

I nod. "Yes. Me and a friend were out there, a~nd he got hit. By, infact, multiple trucks."

…

"Well-"

"And died." I finished.

…

"Well, since I am feeling generous this evening, you… may stay. But only at a fee."

Oh, boy, fees! I love fees! Especially when they're free fees!

Fuck fees.

...Freakin' weird word. Fee. Fee~!

Remilia continues. "You are to pay me. Five thousand yen per night." She demands.

"Feee~, he~! Heehee~, heehee~!" I sing.

…

Remilia just stares at me, deadpan.

"I'm freakin' broke." I inform her outright.

Remilia grins widely, likely having expected this. "We~ll, in _that_ case, I might have a… proposition, for you."

Listen, kids? Never strike a deal with a vampire. Unless she's a loli vampire.

"Fla~ndre!" Remilia calls for her sister.

Flandre emerges from the closet.

...Was she just sittin' in there, or what!?

"Hello!" Flandre greets us! "What is it, Remi?"

"I might have someone who can help you. With your… ahem, 'security measures', I believe you called them."

Flandre beamed. "Really?" She turned to me.

Oh. Ho ho.

"...Hi!" Flandre waves to me.

I stare at her.

…

Flandre turns to Remilia, whispering to her. "It-it's him, right?"

Remilia glares at her, whispering back. "Of course it's him! Why else would-"

She notices me staring.

"A-ahah, yes…" She grimaces to herself.

Dent in the charisma armor!

"Anyway, you are to help Flandre. As long as you are to help her in any way she deems appropriate, you may reside here."

I forgot if we had any previous deals that let me come by and stay here. Remilia probably woulda just worked around it with loopholes, anyway. Freakin' fluffy-hatted politicians.

"Sure." I agree to those terms, if it means I can construct more stupid crap. I wanna see fairy maids mindlessly fly into cartoonishly large spikes. I also really need to stay for thefting and things!

Remilia smiles. "Excellent. You are to follow Flandre."

"Ya~y!" Flandre gets up and moves to the door. "C'mon, Brad!"

She excitedly grabs my wrist and- woah! Slow down, friend! Yo, yo, yo~!

==== FREAKIN' GENSOKYO ====

We wind up back in the manor foyer.

"I wanna fix up this place," She begins, "but I dunno how. Spikes would kill the guests, and pits wouldn't look good."

"Moving platforms?" I suggest.

She bobs her head back and forth a bit. "Eeh… A bit like pits, isn't it?"

"But with an annoying ladder to climb back up on." I elaborate, grinning.

"Oh, that's good…" Flandre rubs her chin. "...Still."

Darn.

"Flamethrowers?" I try.

Flandre giggles. "I wish!"

I nod slowly, my eyes widening. "Bombs."

"...I don't think so." Flandre disagrees. "It's supposed to be puzzling, not crippling. I mean… I'm fine with that, but maybe not this early in the manor. Maybe in front of Remi's room."

Yes, we need a bomb generating machine that just makes the hallway to Remilia's room a big ass blast zone.

"Boobs." I try with equal resoluteness.

"No." She shakes her head. "...No."

Hmph.

"...Auto defense turrets?" I guess.

"I would, but we don't have the resources." Flandre looks dissatisfied. "Then we coulda just put those on the walls and been done."

Wait, really? "Couldn't Patchy throw some up?"

"She said she'd have to constantly reapply them, and that they could be dispelled." Flandre shrugged. "I think she's just lazy."

I think so, too. That, and mechanized turrets, by that logic, could just be EMP'd. In that event, add sensors or something that tell you when the thing freakin' went kaboom. Now it's an alarm!

"Oh, yeah, I need a book from Patchy's library." I shall tell her my quest!

She tilts her head. "She's asleep right now, though…"

"And?" I grin.

Flandre frowns. "Stealing is wrong."

Uh oh. My obstacle is now an OP loli vampire. I think my number's up, yo. "...But, I _need_ need it. Like, it's somethin' I _need_ to borrow."

"I'm not stupid." Flandre glares at me. "You just wanna steal from Patchy."

Please, no! "L-look, I'm makin' a freakin house out of ice, and-"

"No. Stealing." Flandre grabs me by the wrist.

That grip! Bloody jaws of life, her hands are! Jesus!

"...No stealing." I tell her.

She releases my wrist. "Good! 'Cause if you stole, I'd have to tell Patchy, and Patchy would tell Sakuya, and Sakuya would tell Remi, and Remi would just sit there and drink more tea!"

...That's not an entirely bad course of events.

She continues smiling. "I'd also have to stop you. And I'd _probably_ hurt you."

Nevermind.

"...I really do need that book, though, yo. It was one of the ones I recovered for her from Marisa, too."

Flandre furrowed her brows. "...Sounds made up."

 _You're_ made up, you freakin'...

"...C'mere." Flandre moves to the next hall, gesturing me to follow.

Oh, boy.

She stares at it thoughtfully. "...You know what this needs? Bear traps."

...Yes. Yes it does.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: SEVEN'S PERSPECTIVE ====

There he was again. That man.

The man who tried to traumatize me… who tried to hurt me…

With boxes. Yes…

It was all under the guise that he wanted to free me from the fear of boxes. But… he doesn't know. None of them know what happened. That day it captured me… it killed me.

I've died a few- well, many times before. But that was the scariest of all. Because I didn't know if I'd ever be free. To a fairy like me… freedom is everything.

...Aside from my indentured servitude. I kinda really don't care about that anymore.

But to be trapped in a box? Life would be hell.

Today, though… today, it all changes.

Boxes were my greatest fear…

…

And boxes would be the conduit for my revenge!

The little mistress and the man, they were traveling the hallways, much to my pleasure. I know not what they discuss, but it doesn't matter, because, today, tonight, whatever it is, it all changes.

I will show the man… why I am afraid of boxes. What boxes did to me. What boxes could do… and what boxes have been doing.

I'm terrified. I'm more scared than I've ever… well, I don't remember far enough to actually say that. I'm more scared than I can remember, at least.

I sit around a corner, occasionally peeking around it to judge how close they are. The vampire and the human, they're coming this way…

To best the man, I have crafted the ultimate weapon. I stacked boxes onto one another, all with an open side. Days of planning have lead up to this final, decisive moment.

They could lash out at me, at any moment, I know. And I know, if they did, no one could save me.

It was a chance that had to be taken.

I had to show them.

I'll show them.

"A-a-ah…"

Here they come! Do it! Now!

 _Push!_

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

As we rounded the corner, a box abruptly fell on me!

"Flandre, I'm being bamboozled!" I exclaim. "Send the army!"

I hear the tumbling of boxes to my right. "Noo~!"

Whoever the fairy was that pranked me, she just squealed.

"...That's actually a good idea." Flandre observes the boxes. I lift the one that landed on me off, and see her eagerly walk up to the boxes. "This is great, actually! We can order some cardboard, and make uniform blocks from them!"

I don't think that'd work unless you filled them with bricks.

"A-aaaa~h!" A fairy screams, trapped under a box. "L-let me out, let me out, lemme-ohahaha~!" She eventually degraded into gibberish wailings.

I think I know who it is, too…

...Flandre stares blankly at the wailing, and lifts the box.

The fairy maid freezes, eyes dilating from the light. Hehe~y, it's Seven!

"...M-mistress…"

Flandre tosses the box away. "...You gonna be okay?"

Seven nods. "Y-yes… Th… Thank you, mistress…"

She gets up, and hugs Flandre. "Thank you, so much! I-I don't know how, b-but… Thank you!"

Flandre looks to me, smiling awkwardly. "U-uhm… It's nothing."

Seven lets go of her, backing away awkwardly. "W-well… I-I don't know how I could repay you… but I'll do anything you ask me to!"

...She was kinda in that boat to begin with. You know, being in servitude to the manor, and all…?

Flandre grinned. "A~nything?"

"...Anything." Seven nodded.

"You're with us, then." Flandre decided. "We are to devise jumping puzzles."

Seven shrugged. "O...okay, I guess."

Flandre paused, and looked her in the eyes. "...With boxes."

Seven paled.

Flandre, you tiny freakin' mad man.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We near the library! Oh boy, oh boy!

"...I need that book." I repeat once we near it.

"No stealing." Flandre repeats just as promptly.

Noob.

I roll my eyes, and Flandre takes notice. She goes up to Seven. "Stealing's bad, right? Right?"

Seven nods. "I am only agreeing because I am required by our agreement to do so. I guess it's agreeable as a whole, then."

Flandre beams. "See? Stealing's bad, Brad! Don't do it!"

That moment when a four-hundred ninety-five year old vampire talks to you like a kindergartener but is actually smarter than you are by hundreds of years. I think we can _all_ relate.

Flandre walks up to the library door. "I do wanna see if we can do anything about the library, though. Patchy's asleep, so it should be fine!"

…

How is that _any_ different from me stealing shit!?

She turns to me. "Unlock it!"

...Why me?

I walk up to the door, and jiggle the handle. It's locked.

...I take out Tundra Bloomer, and hit it!

Pi~ng!

…

Very, _very_ locked...

Flandre puts her hands on her hips. "I thought you were better at this…"

I buff myself, and rush the doo~r!

Ping! Ping! Pi~ng!

"...Wow, that actually is very, very locked." I admit. Patchy did not want anyone busting in, it seems.

...I turn to the wall. "Only one way to go about doin' this!"

Sakuya appears. "No."

Stuff! In the way! Including you! Aarrgh!

Flandre smirks. "Yes."

Oh, he~y…!

Sakuya stares at her vainly. "Mistress, I advise you to reconsider…"

Flandre brings her hand to her chin. "Hmmm… okay! Brad, break the wall!"

Sakuya sighs.

Hehehehehyo~nk!

I attack the wall!

Pi~ng!

…

Oh. Shit.

She _knew_. The clever bastard.

Sakuya grinned. "...Looks like my presence was unneeded."

"...Sakuya, I know just how to break this." I begin.

She tilts her head. "I doubt you know how. I'll humor you and watch, however."

I snap my fingers. "Sakuya, we need a box."

Seven frowns. "Why…?"

Sakuya tilts her head, in a different direction! It's like a brand new Sakuya!

"It is for science." I tell her.

"The last thing you did for science was a disaster." Sakuya summarizes. "I'd rather not dignify such a request."

A new, meaner Sakuya! ...Or maybe, the same, mean, Sakuya.

Aight, fine. "It's to break the magical lock…" I mumble.

"...Better, I guess."

Sakuya vanishes, and returns with a cardboard box.

"Wawawa-aaa~h!" Seven wails, backpedaling into a wall.

I take the box from Sakuya. "C'mere, son! I'm gonna make ya a new fookin' box!"

Seven shakes her head erratically. "N-no! Stop! G-get, get… gaa~o!"

She slides to the floor, completely terrified. "M-mistre~ss! Hehehe~lp!"

...I turn to Flandre, and toss the box on her.

She casually walks forward and bumps into the wall next to Seven.

"Y-y… M-mistress…" She paled. "N-no…"

I think she thinks Flandre was trapped!

"W-why!? Why, why, why!? Why would… why would y-you do this!?" She covers her eyes with her hands, sobbing loudly.

I still feel bad for this little fairy friend. She's freakin' terrified of life, and she's one of the few marginally rational ones.

She goes silent, jittering against the wall as water clearly flows from under her hands, which she's still got clamped firmly over her eyes.

…

Deja vu! Back away from critical fairy _slowly_...

…

"N-no…" I hear her meekly begin. I run up to Sakuya and hide behind her, to her curiosity.

…

Sakuya turns to me. "What _exactly_ do you think-"

"Shhh…" I shush her. "Brace yourself for impact, friend."

She glares at me, when-

" **STO~P!** "

There we go!

Sakuya stumbles back from the magical force unleashed by the fairy maid. She braces her arms as she slides back into me.

Oo~h!... Vanilla scent! Fitting, fitting…

Seven floated in the air as velvet energy swirled around her, again. Her slot machine eyes rolled through the cycle of colors…

"Mi~stre~ss!" Seven roars her sorrow for Flandre's predicament.

Ding! Looks like a yellow eye!

Ding! All yellows, son!

"Lucky Bolts!" She shouts, propping her arms to her sides.

Thwaa~sh! Thwaa~sh!

Both bolts she shot from her arms gravitated into the magical ward on the library door, and walls.

Bam! Boom!

Both stricken points exploded, leaving holes in the wall.

I clap. "You did it!"

Sakuya turns to me, staring at me expectantly.

However, Seven just got more pissed. "No, no, no, no, no!"

She began stomping on the floor, and her eyes began rolling again.

Ding! It's red! Oh, boy…

Ding!

...Blue? She's got dichromatic eyes now!

She floats into the air. So if blue is Lucky Freeze, and red is something fire related… then that'd make…

"Lucky Tsunami!"

Seven floats into the air once again, and now a shuriken of water rotated around her.

Sakuya freezes up.

Water! That's not so bad, I guess. I wonder why Sakuya paused like that…

With a blink, Sakuya and Flandre are out of the radius of the shuriken's spinning, which was throwing water around everywhere and creating an ever expanding puddle on the floor.

Oh, right. If that hit Flandre, there uh, woulda been hell to pay.

I stand in the waves of water as her attack dies down…

"You!" She points at me.

I look around. "...Who? Me?"

"I-I hate you!" Seven barks, glaring at me. Her red eye flickers out, and becomes grey, interestingly.

That's like twice in two chapters people have declared undying hatred for me! What'd I do!?... I mean, aside from relentlessly torment her just to get past my own obstacles?

…

Now I feel like an asshole.

"Die!"

Now, that last one I can't do, yo.

Seven floats into the air again. Her eyes begin rotating once more!

I take out Swift Brand and prepare myself for abysmal luck. She'd probably get a fire storm or something…

...Ding! Red eye. Calling it now, fire storm.

...Ding!

Well, it woulda been a fire storm, but her other red eye is still grey.

"A-ah…" She lands on the ground, her legs buckling slightly. "F-fire…"

She shoots a single fireball at me, which I step aside of.

It strikes the library door, which catches on fire, the magical wards fried.

Sakuya is immediately on the scene with buckets of water to extinguish the flame before it goes anywhere, likely anxious of another inferno.

Seven's other red eye flickers out. I see what's goin' on… This is how she's limited. After a few slots, her rotations begin losing power. If she gets all greys, I think she can't cast anything.

I take this moment of weakness to charge at her before she unleashes anymore wicked magics on me.

I double jump, and swing downward!

Suddenly, she stumbles out of the way. "W-woah!"

I miss by a hair.

…

Oh, please, no.

I stand and kick at her, and she happens to slip and stumble out of the way. "A-ah!"

This lucky son of a bitch!

"Alright, yo…" I send a gust of wind from Swift Brand at her, and it knocks her over. She lands in such a way she easily gets back up.

"I won't let you push me around anymore!" She glares at me, determined.

Floating into the air, her eyes roll again.

Ding! Ding! Thunder and ice.

"Lucky Storm!"

I'm sorry?

Clouds begin forming along the ceiling of the manor's hall…

How is this ice!? I don't see no ice!

Thwaa~sh!

A bolt strikes the floor near me, causing me to leap out of the way.

This isn't fucking ice! None of it is!

I run up to her while the storm takes place, lightning bolts striking along my steps. When I reach her and swing, a gust of wind blows me back from the clouds.

"You cheap freakin'..." Stop manipulating the random number gods to make me miss constantly!

Seven grins. "Today I shall have my revenge!"

Thwaa~sh!

I drop Swift Brand as a bolt strikes it, charging it. It lands on the floor and produces a tiny charged blast.

Bam!

It was loud, though.

"Ho ho!" I exclaim. Potent stuff!

Her blue eye flickers out as the storm comes to an end. No more Lucky Freeze!

"I won't lose! I-I can't lose!" Seven grits her teeth, floating into the air again. I move to hit her, but her body contorts radically simply to avoid my hits, and her eyes roll again.

...Grey, a~nd… grey!

She falls to the floor, and her legs give in on her.

"N-no…"

Bad RNG. I know how it goes, yo.

I walk up to her, and gently push her over, and she falls back, crawling away. She then kicks upward, hitting me in the chest!

"Ough!" In the _gut_ , dude. Critical hit. Where'd that even come from!?

I stumble backwards, and she stands up shakily. "B-back off…"

I put my hands up. "Yo, easy, lucky ducky. It'd be bad taste to torment the tormented!"

Wordlessly, she gets back up, and runs away. A short while later, she begins flying again.

Sakuya walks up to me. "...That could have gone very wrong."

Yeah. If she got all reds, like, the first time, the whole mansion would be ablaze. Again.

To that, I nod. "Yeah, it could'ave. Good thing I got good RNG."

Sakuya tilts her head. "RNG…?"

I nod. "RNG. Like, Random Number Generator. Or, in this case, generation."

She nods. "...Sure. That means?"

"It means I'm a lucky bastard." I simplify.

"You should have just said so." Sakuya deadpans.

When your opponent manipulates luck itself, it's actually really hard to tell whether you got lucky, unlucky, or the vice versa for them… It just ain't right, yo.

In any case, holes in the wall.

Flandre floats back in from the sidelines, gazing down at the water. "...We need a hallway just _filled_ with water."

I like how you think, Colonel.

Sakuya stares at the hole in the wall. "...Well. What's done is done, it seems. As the mistress… wills it so." She gives a strained smile to Flandre.

Flandre shrugged. "If he didn't find a way, I would have opened the wall myself."

Sakuya paused. "...Why the wall?"

"Remi doesn't want me to break doors." Flandre smiled smugly. "...No one said anything about walls."

Hyonk.

"...What if I said something about walls?" Sakuya tried.

Flandre shook her head. "Then I could say something about walls, and my say is bigger than yours. Say no more, or say far more. Say say, what do you say?"

Sakuya is unfazed by Flandre's sudden bastardization of the word 'say'. "Very well, mistress. Please remember that I must clean up after you, however."

Flandre's face softened. "Don't worry, Sakuya. I'll only break what I _need_ to break. Or have Brad break it."

Sakuya doesn't look very reassured from that. Though, if Flandre was Remilia, she'd probably go 'it is your job to follow me around and fix broken walls'. Such is the difference between the sisters!

Flandre moves through the hole in the wall, and I follow her.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Aah, the library. Feels more like a dungeon with all the candles and things out. I assume magical light switches are a thing, and only Patchouli can operate them. And Koakuma, by extension.

The candles, torches, and everything all flicker to life the moment we pass the first book shelf.

Nevermind, motion activated!

"Ooo… That's always cool." Flandre smiles in satisfaction at the lights. "We'll keep those. But, this floor…"

She gestures to the carpeted floor between the shelves. "It has to go."

"What difference does hardwood and carpet make?" Sakuya questions, leaning on a nearby bookshelf.

Where'd she come from!? She didn't float in after us! Freakin' hacks!

Flandre shook her head. "No, no... I mean, the whole floor. Gone."

…

I grin. "Yeah, just shafts that lead down to nothing but like, a tiny stone landing. There you go."

"Exactly!" Flandre nods. "Just, like, a fifty foot drop. Or something…"

Sakuya disagrees. "It would pierce the basement, mistress."

Flandre paused. "...You're right. Darn. Well, we'll just make it drop a bit into spikes or water or something. They'll get the idea."

The idea that we want everyone who enters the manor to die a gruesome, clumsy death.

"I don't think Patchouli-sama would be pleased…" Sakuya tiredly adds.

"Is she ever?" Flandre counters.

…

"...Point." Reluctantly, Sakuya agrees.

I hear clicks nearby. Flandre pauses, as do I.

...Koakuma walks out from around some shelves. She puffs out her chest, gazing at me. "Sneaking into the library, Brad? Why… and Sakuya." Koakuma realizes I have brought friends. "And… Flandre." She nods slowly. "...I'll go get mistress. I'll be just a se- Aae!"

Flandre grabs her by the leg. "No."

Koakuma knows better than to lash out at her, so she just stays still. "...Alright."

"You will come with us." Flandre decides, "And you will help reinforce the defenses."

Koakuma is taken aback by Flandre's resoluteness, which I might add, does feel a bit like Remilia's own assertiveness. Vampiric dominance, I suppose.

"O-okay…" She stutters out in response.

"Good!" Flandre smiles. "...Actually, can you check out books on behalf of Patchy?"

Ooh?

Koakuma furrows her brows. "Uhm…"

I run up behind Flandre, and Koakuma sees me. I then draw my hand across my neck multiple times, pointing between her and Flandre.

"...Y-yes. Do you need just one?" Koakuma decides, intimidated.

"Yeah." Flandre nods. "I think. Right?" She turns to me.

I nod. "Yeah. It's about making ice not melt for a long ass time."

Koakuma pauses. "...I think I've seen a few like that. But…" She looks back to me, smirking. "We're fresh out. Sorry. Come back another time."

Koakuma, you're a scumbag.

I shake my head. "I returned the books myself, yo. Marisa doesn't have it, so you've gotta have it!"

She grimaces. "Well… A-actually, I think Patchouli doesn't let me check out books, so~..."

Flandre frowns at her. "...No lying."

Koakuma shakes her head. "I'm not lying, mistress. I'm simply changing my answer." At that, she grins smugly. "You wouldn't be displeased with a servant for a reason as petty as a misunderstanding, would you?"

Koakuma's charismatic attempt at logically disarming Flandre goes right over the little vampire's head. "That's just a funny way of saying you're lying, and that I'm being mean. You might be right, but sometimes you have to be mean."

Flandre starts walking towards her. "Show us one of the books. Please?"

Koakuma shows distaste. "Hmph. Very well…"

She starts walking ahead leisurely. Sakuya folds her arms, looking satisfied by the exchange. I suppose I am, too!

A few minutes of following a very, very slow and lazy Koakuma, and we get absolutely fucking nowhere.

It also just occurred to me that sneaking in without any idea of what the book looked like or what language it was in was probably a doomed operation from the get go. Freakin'... I woulda had to go to someone eventually!

"...Mistress, I have… a question." Koakuma starts a discussion while idly scanning a bookshelf, leaning over as she does so.

"Hello!" Flandre exclaims.

Koakuma giggles. "Yes- I wonder, how long can you hold a note?"

...Flandre takes out a random book. "Notes are lighter than books, and I can hold books a long time. So~..."

"I mean singing. Your voice. How long you can sing." Koakuma deadpans.

"Oh." Flandre smiles. "Easy! Aaaaaa…"

Suddenly, Koakuma doubles back and lunges at Flandre, taking out a pink potion.

"Aaa-mmph!"

"Surpi~se, little vampire!" Koakuma grins. "Drink up…!"

Sakuya lunges forward, surprised. "Mistress!"

Holy shit, it's an assassination attempt! "H-hey!" Yes, my weak shout will do things! This is what I get for chilling out for a few scenes!

Gulp… Gulp… Gulp…

Crack!

Knives flew into the bottle, sending liquid and glass flying.

"Kyaa~h!" Koakuma leaps back, before Sakuya is at her throat.

...Flandre sits down, seemingly spacing out.

Sakuya notices. "Three good reasons why you aren't to be put to death."

I walk up to Flandre, a little cautious. Like, is this really happening? Freakin' sudden.

She blinks. "...Blueberry. But it was pink! You got it all wrong."

Oh.

Flandre stood back up. "It was tasty, though. A little too tasty. Yuck." She licked her lips a bit, seemingly trying to get the taste off her tongue. "Like perfume. No one wants to drink perfume."

Koakuma looks to her in horror. "W-what… The-the potion…"

Sakuya snorted. "Apparently didn't work. I thought Patchouli-sama told you to stop making love potions."

Love potions!

"A-ah, you see, um…" Koakuma looks around frantically. "I-it was a request!"

"I want names." Sakuya narrowed her eyes, leaning in on her.

"B-Brad! He wanted it!" Koakuma shouted. "I swear!"

I sigh. Sakuya, as I predicted, hops right in front of me and looks ready for war. "Explain."

"She's lying, you freakin' twitchy hooligan. I didn't even know those pink things were love potions, but I guess it'd figure."

It'd also not explain why she tried to bamboozle Flandre, but there's only so much you can say in a few sentences. At that, Sakuya teleported back to Koakuma. "Any last words?"

Flandre walked up to them. "Stop."

Sakuya slouches visibly, but complies.

"...I have an idea."

Koakuma grins. "Try me, mistress. I know you wouldn't be cruel to me."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Pastel-blue book in hand, I grin as I walk out of the library.

Flandre walks out with her new weapon of choice!

Koakuma stares at me dryly, fully fed up with her situation to the point of not caring. She has become a succubus on a stick, tied by her arms and legs!

I turn to her. "...What was your _plan?_ "

She doesn't follow. "What?"

"The frik was your plan!? I mean, if you succeeded in making Flandre lovey dovey. Like, what the hell'd you do, then? I'm pretty sure Sakuya would instantly turn you to swiss cheese the moment she noticed. Then, whatever happened wouldn't matter, 'cause you'd be dead!"

She turned away. "I-I don't know!"

Freakin'... The succubus of ill-devised plots!

Sakuya took off earlier once Koakuma was satisfactorily tied to the post. From there, Flandre got her to take us to at least one of the anti-melt books.

At least, I hope it is. None of us bothered to check validity!

Flandre stopped abruptly in the hallway.

"Hi." I greet her.

"Hello." She greets back. She then looks to one of the shadows in the hallway. "Hello to you, too."

...A night fairy slinks out from the shade, now visible. Jesus, that fairy was a freakin' good hider!

"...H-hello…" She stammered out. I couldn't tell if she was nervous, or just socially inept.

With that, Flandre smiled and resumed walking.

Okay, then, I guess!

I follow her, and I notice the night fairy slinking along behind us. She was one of those who actually got the dark look right, with the bangs over one eye and the bags under her eyes- wait…

She was that one fairy who wanted to give an, ahem, ' _makeover_ '.

I don't think her pursuit is promising…

We eventually reach the front lobby. Flandre sticks the pole Koakuma's tied to into the floor.

"There. Now you can greet the guests!"

Koakuma turns to me, and mouths 'help'.

I shake my head.

'I'll make it worth your while'.

No, no you won't. That, I'm sure of. Freakin' shady succubi, yo.

Actually, I've got an idea.

Holding my arm up, I call upon my mana pool!

"Hah!"

Poof. Crusty pillo~w!

Koakuma vainly stares down at it. "...Why would you even?"

"I'm fluffy." I explain.

Flandre approaches the pillow… but quickly backs away, clutching her nose. "O-oh! Ugh… w-what is that…?"

...Then, she glares at it. "It's stupid."

She brings her hand out, and closes one eye. She focuses on the pillow…

KABOOM

My~ ears are ringing. Tha~t… wasn't necessary, I'm sure. Ouch.

Koakuma shows similar discomfort.

I feel something cling to me! I turn and see it's the creepy night fairy from earlier.

"H-heheheh…" She giggles to herself. "C-come… with me."

"No, friend. This is not how kidnapping works." I inform her. I lift her up- she's actually pretty light, fairy and all- and walk a few steps with her. "This is how kidnapping works."

"O-oh…"

I put her down. She tries the same with me, and I comply, sitting in her arms. She then falls forward, unable to hold me, and we both end up on the floor.

"S-sorry…" She seems legitimately disappointed. She even apologized to the person she's trying to kidnap!

"You can go sleep, now." Flandre tells me. "I…" She yawns. "I wanna go take a nap. I feel kinda funny."

Uh. Yeah. Go take the nap, you. Just don't tell me what you do before it. Or after it.

Please. It-it's not for me, it's for the reader's sake.

The creepy fairy giggles. "Heheheh… Y-you make me… feel kinda funny…" She then hugs me. Why do I always get the creepy stalkers?

Ha-chan suddenly looks away from her friends, who are _still_ in the lobby for some reason. Her fairy sense is tingling!

"...Night fairy!" Ha-chan yells.

All the fairy maids suddenly perk up, and stare straight at the night fairy who clung to me.

"Night fairy?"

"Night fairy!"

"They're attacking!"

"Oh, no! Get the mistress! Chief, chief!"

Oh, boy. The pot has been stirred!

Koakuma just wiggles on her pole, looking worried. "A-ah… Help! Someone!"

Everything's gone to shit! Danmaku bullets start flying towards me, intended for the night fairy. I break from her, and run for the door.

Pi~chun!

"They're invading from the shadows!"

"Search everythi~ng!"

They're actually all mobilizing appropriately! I stop myself before I open the door. They seem to all be ignoring me, instead becoming vigilant for their night counterparts.

...Well, if they're not gonna shoot me, I don't give a shit! I do a sassy strut as I slowly head for the guest bedrooms. I never got assigned one, so I'm just gonna find a random one and plop down on the bed. The fairy that belongs to that bed can join me if she wants. The only thing I'd get upset about is if she brutalized me in my sleep.

After aimless wandering, the halls no longer directing me anywhere concrete, I find a random room. This seems like a multi-fairy one, with rows of beds lined up along the walls and evenly spaced apart. A few fairies were even sleeping in some.

I pick a bed, and plop down in it. "Aa~hh…"

Fluffy beds…

…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

 _Gingerly, I approach a camp fire. Around it sit figures, eight feet tall, at least, features obscured by the fire._

 _I sit down in the open space in the middle of one of the four logs around the fire._

 _...The figures all turn to me. They are eight foot tall fluffles._

 _...I wave to them._

 _They all turn back to the fire._

 _Nervously, I stand back up, and the fluffles get irritated. They then start to slam their faces into the fire, and the entire forest catches!_

" _Oh, shit!" I reach for my sack, but I don't have a sack in this dream!_

 _...My legs are gone, too!_

 _Aah, aaa~h!_

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Oi! My legs are gone!"

I sit up with a bolt, looking around. Ha-chan is splayed across the bed, outfit disheveled. On top of her is another, red-haired fairy maid, looking even more battered.

Another fairy sits up in her bed just as suddenly. "I know right!? No one'll believe me, my legs're gone!"

"Shut up!" A drowsy fairy yells at her.

Aaah, mornings in the barracks. This may as freakin' well be a barracks.

...I rudely dump Ha-chan and the red fairy onto the floor, 'cause screw 'em. They don't even notice, the logs.

Clambering from the bed, I make my way into the halls…

"We're fucked." Komi declares.

Koi is pressing a piece of paper onto the wall. "Good."

"Not _that_ kind of fucked." Komi corrects her, "I mean we're going to get fired. Again."

I approach them, and I see the piece of paper. 'Chief Maid Gets Kinky With Local Succubus'. It's accompanied with crudely cut-out and pasted pictures of Koakuma on the post and Sakuya while she seemed to be mid-combat or something. The empty spaces were filled in… with _crayon_.

I gasp. "Wow, yo. Never knew Sakuya had it in her. Guess she was a horn dog after all, yo…"

Koi giggles like a maniac. "Hehehe-yeah! Chief's a naughty slut, ain't she?"

Komi scoffed. "Could you be more unruly…?"

Koi smiled at her. "Could you be more _sexy?_ "

The black-haired fairy maid just glares at her.

That reminds me… "What was that nonsense about night fairies the other night?" I never really heard of that stigma before.

Koi shrugged. "Ah- I dunno. They're kinda bitchy, though, so whatever."

Komi rolled her eyes. "They attacked again, or so we thought. I never saw a single one, so I think it was just another stupid happening."

...How the frik did Ha-chan get beat up? I'm going to assume she just ended up mauling herself...

I nod. "Mmm…" I should stop by Patchy's before I head out. I wonder if _she_ has any mittens I could use...

I begin walking off, and the two fairies resume staring at the paper Koi hung up. Komi went to rip it down, and Koi began fighting her…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Dining room! No matter which way I go, it leads here, so alright!

Walking in, I see the familiar faces. Remilia eating a freakin' cake just because. How does vampiric metabolism work? Can she just down cakes and not get fat?

Patchouli has the fluffy waffles.

Some fairy maids here or there, with pancakes, waffles, so forth.

I sit down at a table. Sakuya appears!

"...Don't make me regret asking you, but, what would you like?"

I nod slowly… "Fluff nuggets…"

…

Sakuya reappears with my plate, and there are fluffles tied to it.

"There. Please enjoy your meal."

Poof. She's gone.

...Patchouli looks over at my plate, and just shakes her head.

"...A plate of fluff." Remilia observes, before resuming eating her cake.

...I hold the plate, and stuff my face into it. They're snuggly!

"...When you're done with that," Patchouli looks at me, "I'd like you to stop by my library. I have another chore for you."

I stand up, lifting my face from the fluff, and stare at her, my eyes widening.

…

"Are you well?" Patchouli stares at me warily.

"One man is not no man." I announce. I sit back down.

Patchouli just blinks at me. "...Well. Alright."

I have asserted my dominance. All is right with the world.

"Rather unfortunate that you happen to be no men." Patchouli snarks.

Oof. "Yo ho ho…"

She grins at me, before returning to her waffles.

I stare at the fluffles before me. I bet they _taste_ dusty. I suppose I'll just take my time and wake up, for now… and by that, I mean give myself an excuse to end this chapter!

Gaps open under the chairs around me, and they fall in. Remilia pauses.

...Yeah, uh… mmm. That's gonna be fun. Quick end the chapter end it freakin' end it-!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 33

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Unknown ice spell acquired?

INVENTORY:

Youkai Inconveniencer - Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Yet to be discovered other spell…?

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives that I mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

Holy Talismans - Provides a holy upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

Electric Talismans - Provides an electric upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out...

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

hi pals

i have no idea how good the comedy is this chapter and it has EATEN AT ME but i think it's RELATIVELY FINE for a somewhat DO-NOTHING CHAPTER

inb4 rereads this five chapters later and goes "why was i even worried" because that happens


	40. Construction Junction: May Malfunction

(in which we transmogrify winter into a home)

"Aauuuh…" I groan.

I am currently sitting under a mountain of chairs. Thankfully, only a few are actually digging into me, like a giant freakin' jigsaw. Except I'm one of the pieces!

To escape, I crawl from the chair pile to the table's underside, taking care to not get my flesh ripped off by the chair legs and assorted bits.

"...As I was saying, I expect you at my study." Patchouli rises from her seat, and floats off.

Friends, please, don't worry about me.

"...I believe I'll be to bed." Remilia rose. "I wish to be my best tomorrow evening."

...You shouldn't've been eatin' a fookin' cake before bed, then, fluffy!

She clapped her hands. "Sakuya~, clean up."

Sakuya appeared. "...Do I want to know?"

"No, you don't." Remilia monotoned.

"...Very well."

In a flash, all the chairs were back in place and all the food was cleaned up. A few fairies ended up missing plates they were actively eating, including their utensils, and pouted.

I was also suddenly beside Remilia.

"I found him under the table."

Remilia grinned. "He was just trying to make off with scraps. Nothing more."

"I see."

Freakin' fluff nuggets.

Remilia begins wandering off, and Sakuya disappears.

I suppose I'll go see what Patchy wants from me…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I walk up to Patchy's study desk…

"Hi, friend." I greet her. "You're magical."

"I'm well aware." She comments offhandedly. "In any case, I have two requests of you."

I nod. "Sure."

"Tell Marisa I've located the whereabouts of Mima." Patchouli begins.

Oh, hey, that's actually somewhat relevant!

"Furthermore, I'd like it if you returned the book you stole the previous evening."

Balls.

I sigh, slouching. "I need that book, yo."

Patchouli snorts. "I'm sure you need a book on the history of engineering in the fifteenth century."

Wait, what?

...She notices my confusion. "Precisely. I have reason to believe you simply took that book on impulse."

"Koakuma told me it was a book on perma-freezing ice magically." I folded my arms.

"...Koakuma told me you took the book." Patchouli tiredly looked up from her book. "I know she tends to lie most of the time… but right now, I'm fairly confident you simply stole a book on impulse and hoped for the best."

"Well, yo, Koakuma's a freakin' dirty liar." I tell her. "Besides, I genuinely did need an ice freezing book. I was building an igloo, and I dunno 'bout you, but the sun and igloos don't agree."

"As if you had the materials to produce ice blocks." Patchouli observed. "You should have stolen a book on that, too."

I grin. "You know who I have as a witness?"

"Enlighten me."

"Flandre." Pulling rank, go~!

"...Attempts to sully the name of the mistresses aren't taken lightly, I hope you realize?" Patchouli stares at me in vague surprise. "I'll confirm this with Flandre, later. For now, I would like my book back."

I take it out, and plant it on the counter. "Take it, yo. I don't even need it."

"Then why did you take it?" Patchouli pressed.

"Friend, I literally just explained to you." Aaargh! "Get owned."

"I'd rather not." Page flip! "...In any case, do not let me delay you."

Mmm. "Alright, yo. I didn't steal that freakin' book- at least, it wasn't the book I was told I was stealing."

"...Very well, very well." Patchouli waved her hand. "My apologies."

...My conscience is sated! With that, I leave the li- wait a second…

"I still need that freakin' ice book!" I run back to Patchy's desk and announce!

"I still need peace and quiet." Patchouli counters.

"...More like 'fleece' and 'fly-it'." I bastardize her request. "Flyable fleece!"

She chuckles. "I-I suppose you want a fire book, then?"

All my actual subtle-humor just irks her, but my terrible puns actually incited a visibly amused response. This world wants to gut me.

I throw my arms in the air. "Sure. I wanna make a house outta obsidian and volcanos."

"An even more improbable effort." Patchouli annotates. "...A book on permanent-esque frost, you said?"

I nod. "Ye, ye, ye. Ye."

"...I'll have Koakuma look for it." Patchouli tells me. "Come back later, I'm afraid. I cannot afford to tear myself from these studies."

...You could afford it when we were talking waffles. Freakin' magi.

I suppose I'll hang around the mansion, until then.

"...Well, then." I take a seat. "...I have to find some fun!"

"You do that."

Where to look…?

It is time to wander aimlessly for a few hours. I get up and start walking off…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

In the midst of the manor's halls, I casually walk up to some familiar fairy friends.

"Hello, nugget people." I begin.

"No." Komi shakes her head. "We're trying to do something."

They have a small stand set up, constructed from wood boards, apparently. Are they hosting scams like Ed Edd N Eddy, now?

"I can see that." I observe. "Will you sell nuggets?"

Komi glared at me. "It's a love advice booth, dumbass. Can't you read the sign?" She points up.

I look up, and see no sign.

"...I can't even see the sign." I inform her. "I'm probably going blind, friend. Goodbye cruel world."

After a moment of blankly processing my monotone farewell, Komi looked up.

"Oh. Damn it, Koi."

Koi lifted her head from under the desk- Thud! "Auugh…" She clutched her head, having struck the corner of the desk with it.

"Good job." I compliment her. "You're even more coordinated than I am!" That's not saying much!

"S-shut it…" Koi groaned at me.

Namori was standing aside the desk, pressing her fingers together nervously.

"I'd like a double whooper." I begin. "From Bigger King."

"You're scaring everyone away!" Komi abruptly yelled at me. "I'm gonna double whoop _you!_ "

I step back from the counter! "Yo, yo, yo! The only one scarin' people here's you!" I gesture to the…

No one's even here to scare!

Komi begins trying to climb over the desk, and ends up tipping it over, spilling onto the floor in front of it. The desk itself-

"Yeeaaoouch!"

-crushed Koi. Namori covered her eyes.

I give a thumbs up. "You might need some advice yourselves, friends. Just don't take it from me, 'cause I'm not a craftsman. I'm a fluffsman."

...I'm cuddly, dude.

"Uurgh…" Komi groaned from the floor.

...I cautiously step up to the stand, and lift it back into its proper position. Komi fully slides off onto the floor, and Koi… is probably down for the count, sadly.

"O-ooh…" Koi groaned. "...B-Brad-kun? Is… is that you?"

I kneel next to her. "Yeah, yo. Hi."

"A-ah… P-please…"

I get closer. She respawns, but I wanna see where this is goin'...

"...G-give me a massage." She grins.

…

I move over to Komi, lift her- woah, she's a lot heavier than the stalker night fairy- and then drop her on Koi.

"...Gee, thanks." Koi pouts.

"Fuck." Komi elegantly expresses anger.

I walk up to Namori. "Ey, it's Nananamori!" Nanamori? Bananamori!

"H-hello…" She begins timidly.

I need, like, an assembly of timid people. It'd go either one of two ways: we all become great friends, or they all stay quiet and I lead them around on a parade of violence and property damage. Either way, it'd be a great time!

"Welcome." I greet her. "Let's mingle."

"...O-okay."

Huh. That worked.

...I do a little dance in place.

"What… are you doing?" Namori is befuddled.

"Mingling." I helpfully provide.

…

"I'm bored out of my _mind_." I come clean! "Help."

…

"W-when I'm bored…" Namori begins, "I-I like to read a good book, sometimes…"

Komi looks up from the floor at her, surprised. "You can read?"

Namori frowns at her. "I told you before… I-I think."

"...So you did." Komi finally remembered. "You shoulda wrote the stupid sign, then."

Not that there was a sign!

Namori didn't comment, looking away.

Hmm. I wonder… "What languages can you read, yo?"

"...Only French." Namori admits.

Oh. Well, in Patchy's library of fookin' ten million dead languages, that might not help much. I'm willing to bet Namori has a french copy of Fifty Shades somewhere…

"Is it in here!?" I turn to the stand, and rip off the side of it!

Inside is nothing. In fact, that board was structurally integral to the stand!

It falls over, again, though this time Koi is spared, her half having been in the right place to not get stricken by anything.

"...We didn't need a flashy stand, anyway." Komi submits to misfortune. "I think."

That's awfully unlike her, innit?

"...We'll make _you_ the stand!" She then promptly lashes out towards my legs, and grabs my ankles! "Ugh…"

…

I awkwardly hobble along, dragging her with me.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Patchouli looks up from her book as I slowly limp up to her.

"...By 'come back later', I meant a few hours." That disinterest, yo.

"I bring a gift." I gesture to Komi!

Patchouli wasn't having any of that, however. "You can keep it."

"And sell it?" I venture.

She raises an eyebrow. "Sure."

Mmm…

Koakuma walks up with some books. "Here you are, Patchouli-sama."

"Many thanks." Patchouli greets her familiar. "Now, I'd like you to locate a book."

Koakuma scoffs. "Great. Just what I wanted. Another task."

"Section four-hundred twenty one-B, C. Upper left shelf. Thirty-second junction." Patchouli rattles off some coordinates. "Take your time."

"Mmm…" Koakuma hums in acknowledgement as she sets off.

…

Patchouli notices me just staring at her. "I sent her to fetch the book you were looking for, by the way."

Well, in truth, I was half-ogling you, but that works too. "Oh, cool. Thanks, magical friend."

"Magical friend." Patchouli echoes, returning to her book.

Komi slowly gets off my ankle, and stands up.

"Welcome back." I greet her. "Let us play Go Fish."

...Komi shrugs. "Sure."

I turn to Patchouli. "Go Fish."

"Research." She counters. "Have you short-term memory loss?"

"Complete memory loss." I correct her. "I'm fucked."

She returns to her book. "Good for you."

"Should we get the girls?" Komi questions.

I shake my head. "One vee one me I.R.L, noob."

Komi furrows her brows.

"...I mean freakin' one on one!" I translate for her!

"Oh. Why the hell didn't you just say so?" Komi glared at me. "You makin' a statement or some shit?"

I nod. "Yes. I will prove to you I am better at a simple card game!"

"You're on." Komi moves right up next to Patchy's desk. "We'll play it here. Fuck chairs."

Ho ho. "Alright yo. We need cards-"

"Fuck cards." Komi declares.

…

"...We might need cards." Komi finally realizes.

A pack floats out from Patchy's desk! "Here. Just don't play-"

Komi opens the box and pours them all over the desk. Patchouli sighs.

"...here." She finishes.

Komi picks up six random cards. "Pick up your cards. Come on. Let's go."

Jesus! Slow down, you fairy maniac! "Alright, yo, alright!"

I lift my six cards…

"Six." Komi aggresses immediately.

I got one. "Alright, friend."

I hand it over to her…

"Seven." She tries.

"Nope. Fish sticks." No sevens today, noob! Aside from that one fairy earlier, but y'know, I don't think she counts.

If she was here, I'd definitely push her into Komi, though.

She draws a card!

Alright, my turn… "You got any twos?"

She hands me a two. "Damn it."

Yo ho ho! Alright… "You got any twos?"

Komi glared at me. "You just asked that."

I just stare back.

"My turn, then." Wait, wait, wait, don't I get to draw a card!?

"Five." She tries!

No cigar. "Sorry, friend. I'm half-baked, today."

"Screw you." She draws a card.

…

"You have any twos?" I grin.

Komi glares at me silently, and draws a card- wait, what?

"Four." Uhm…

"No fours." I shake my head.

She gets up, staring me down. "You're lying."

"Would _these_ overalls lie to you?" I gesture to my crappy winter attire.

"Yes." Well, then.

…

"Got any twos?" Shit-eating grin is go.

"Yes, actually."

Oh?

…

I flail my arms wildly as she begins trying to punch me!

"I got two right fucking here!" Komi roars, casting her cards aside. "I am a card game _god!_ "

I don't think this is a card game, anymore!

I take out Swift Brand, and start parrying blows!

Clink! Clink! ...Clink!

"A-agh…" She clutches her hands. Punching metal's probably pretty hard on the knuckles.

"Relax, friend." I comfort her with words. "Pain is just weakness leaving the body."

Patchouli briefly adds to the discussion. "Not when you're ill, it isn't."

Help, no.

Koakuma arrives! She glumly floats out from around a shelf, holding a maroon book. "Here you are, Patchouli-sama…"

Patchouli takes the book, and flips it open. After a bit of flipping, she nods. "This book should do."

She places it on the counter. "Good luck reading it."

Good thing I got Marisa for that!

She holds up a finger. "Remember, tell Marisa that I know of Mima. You'd best not forget that, as I wouldn't wish to send Sakuya simply to inflict violence upon you."

What if I _wanted_ her to inflict violence upon me, yo? What then?

…

Not that I do, mind you!

I salute her. "Aye aye, magical friend. I'll return upon a later date, with this book, and with music, videos, and extras!"

"I haven't a clue of the latter two, though you actually vowing to return the book is a surprise to me. I'll hold you to it."

I stuff it into the sack, and begin journeying!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

At the lobby, Ha-chan notices me about to bolt it.

"He~y, Brad-kun! Are you ready to leave yet?" She asks me.

...Ha-chan, you've just finished a, like, two day long conversation. I'm not the one getting waited on!

Komi followed me, too, apparently. "I'm angry about that Go Fish game." She expresses herself directly!

I nod. "Well… go fish, then, friend."

...She stomps towards me menacingly. I think it's time to go!

I open the door, and just run out into the cold air. It's not that bad compared to the mansion. Patchy's pajamamania is gonna come in real handy these next couple months!

I begin spinning the flail-o-copter as Komi latches onto me. Then, Ha-chan latches on, too. "Wait, Brad-kun! Don't go! I was gonna ask my friends if they could come, too!"

No. Your two friends cannot come to loiter outside of Marisa's house for the next ten years. I mean, they'd probably scare away any trespassers, but still.

I feel more weight add onto the chain of fairies hanging onto me, and then… there's less weight. Then there's more! Then there's less.

What's _goin'_ on…?

Well, I can still fly, and looking down yields no results, so~ I'll just have to find out later. Hopefully Marisa doesn't shoot me in the face for being out a day.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After a flight, of which I assume included more than just Ha-chan and Komi, I once again descend on the broken-ass house in the midst of the Forest of Magic.

Suddenly, I feel my flail jerk in the air, and I fall!

Before I can yell out, I hit the floor. I happened to descend close enough to get my flail stuck on the chimney again, and I just didn't realize it.

Me is dumbass. Help, no.

Marisa opens up her bedroom door. "...I see you brought friends, ze."

I get up, and examine the friends.

Komi, Koi, some lime-haired asshole, and Ha-chan. Ha-chan waves. "Hello~!"

"They'll be our construction crew." I decide. "I'd like to make it perfectly clear that they weren't my decision."

"Duly noted…" Marisa gave a lopsided grin. "So uh, 'bout that book…"

I grin back. "I got it, yo!"

Marisa nods slowly. "...So do I." She holds up a maroon book.

…

I hold out mine, and furrow my brows. Looking between the two… are they identical? What the fuck!?

"They're fucking _identical._ " I curse. "Why even? Patchy, baby, why even!?"

Marisa giggles. "W-well, I guess she keeps spares, then…"

That entire trip was freakin' pointless! Aaauuugh!

"I'm still angry." Komi expresses herself. "Can I punch you now?"

Koi puts her hands on her shoulders. "Angry sex is yes?"

...Komi turns to her. "Nevermind."

Whack!

"Gfuh… I-I guess that's a no…" Koi wipes her lip after Komi had punched her in the jaw.

The lime-haired fairy pouts. "...These people are mea~n, Ha-chan! Let's ditch them!"

Ha-chan shakes her head. "Rela~x. These people are my friends!"

"I thought I was your friend…" Lime-haired twat glares at her.

"I am! I'm their friends, and your friends! Friend, I mean… Friends? Friend?" Ha-chan mixed up her plurals and her singulars!

Lime twat stomps the floor. "You can't be their friend and my friend at the same time! I don't like them!"

I take out Swift Brand again. "You can be _dead_ and _dead_ at the same time, if you'd like, friend."

…

"I-I'll be your friend." Lime-friend meekly submits.

Marisa nods approvingly. "I see you've become a fairy whisperer, ze."

It happens when you're forced to interact with them because they're the only things that can't totally insert lasers into your ass!

"Yeah. Comes with the territory, yo."

Marisa grins. "Of what? Bein' a mage?"

I roll my eyes. "Of bein' fookin stoopid, that's what."

We both laugh, because we both have terrible humor! Good times. We koo, yo, we koo.

…

"We gonna fuck now, or what?" Koi breaks the merry silence.

"Yes. Koi, get on your knees." I comply.

Koi double-takes, a naughty grin slowly forming. "Wait- really!?"

I shake my head. "No, you freakin' bimbo. We're doing labor!"

She visibly deflates. "Why would you do that to me…?"

I'm not a nice person, yo. Just a fluffy one.

Let's see, how to get this show on the road…

I take out Deep Blue. "Alright, guys, you see that production line?"

With a gesture, I indicate the~... partially disassembled production line. Shieut.

Marisa giggled sheepishly. "Aah, had to kinda dig through it for that book, y'know?"

Oh, well. "Well- lemme just, uh... " I enter it and begin restacking some of the books. In a minute or so, I get it back together, but the fairies're already not paying attention to me.

"Oi, oi, lads, ladies, lords and lunatics!" I clap my hands together. I get one fairy for each word that began with L! "Here's the dealio. You fill a square doohickey with water, then you push it along. Then you do it again. You keep doin' it until you receive a bucket of ice. When ya get ice… you remove it, and set it aside, and fill the bucket again. Yeah?"

...Komi narrows her eyes. "What do we get out of it?"

I jerk my head back, as if it was stupid question. "Hah! What you get out of it…"

…

The fairies begin glaring at me.

Quick, think fast! "Uh- free room and board!"

Marisa turns to me, shocked. "H-hey, that's kinda-"

"Because this will be an ice castle!" I declare.

…

Marisa whacks me with a large book. Aaugh! "No, it won't. Excuse me, ladies…"

She grabs me by the ear, and pulls me into the bedroom. Sadly, it is not for M-rated fun times, rather, it is for T-rated bickering. Unhappy days…

She closes the door.

…

"The hell was that about, ze?" Yell-whispering!

"I-I dunno, yo! I was thinkin' on the spot, and-"

"Well, too bad." She props her arms on her hips. "This ain't gonna be a castle. The enchantments'd be a real bitch to keep up, y'know, and the fairies wouldn't make nearly enough bricks before they'd freeze themselves in the buckets or something."

Oh, shit, I didn't even think about that. They're going to royally screw this up, aren't they?

"If it was made outta stone, then we'd be talkin'... but we'd need, like, oni construction workers. Ya don't just _hire_ oni construction workers…" Marisa nods slowly, as if recollecting a painful experience.

If only this were Terraria, and we could build a literal one-by-one block tower to the top of the barrier like doofs. I wonder what Yukari'd have to say about that…

"...What'll we tell the fairies, then?" I ask her. "They'll explode if we don't give 'em incentive."

"Candy." Marisa decides.

"...You think that'd work on manor fairies?" I ponder.

"...On the lime and cyan ones, yes." Marisa shrugs. "The other two'll hopefully be peer pressured or somethin'. Worst comes to worst, I can just fry 'em, ze."

I mean, I could fry them myself, and I'm a freakin' noob. I'd like to avoid that, though.

"We'll see how it goes, yo." I compromise.

A knock is heard at the door!

"Hey!" It's Koi. "You better not be leaving me out!"

…

I cup my hands around my mouth. "Oh my God, Marisa! That's the world's biggest strapon I've ever seen!"

Yeah, I butchered the grammar. Koi's still gonna get the picture.

...The door slowly vibrates.

Marisa chuckles. "She's, uh… a real go-getter, huh?"

I nod. "She's cuddly."

...I open the door, and Koi flies in, "Yes!"

…

She slowly turns to me. "You know, I'm starting get the feeling that you're, like, gay or something."

I shake my head. "No, friend, I just happen to have self-control."

She glares at me, but doesn't say anything back. I'm quite proud of myself for that one, actually.

Walking from the bedroom. I clap my hands together. "A long and trying session of Congress has been adjourned."

Blank stares. Yea~h…

"...Who wants candy!?"

Ha-chan and lime-friend clap their hands together! "Yeaa~h!"

Komi frowns. "Is this a joke?"

I almost nod, but that'd probably crush Ha-chan and make problems. "Nope."

"I'm out, then."

"Nope." I affirm.

...She turns to me. "What're you gonna do, make me?"

"Nope."

"...Then how're you going to-"

"Nope."

…

"Rematch of Go Fish." I declare. "Only after the work is done."

Komi throws her hands up. "You got me. Fine."

Ey~.

Koi floats out of the bedroom lazily. "Candy. Woo. Yay."

I turn to her. "Alright, yo, what do you want outta life?"

"Sex." She monotones.

"...A~nd…?" I gesture for her to continue…

"Perverse love." She grins.

Da~h. "...A~nd?"

"...I could show you." She blushes, floating closer to me.

"Please, no." I shake my head, sticking my arm out. "I'd like to remain a virgin for the rest of today, thank you."

...Wow. I never thought I'd be saying that in Gensokyo. In fact, why am I saying no, anyway? Well, there's Ha-chan- meh- but also the fact there's people here. People being Marisa, because fairy rabble is likely irrelevant.

That, and I'd rather not catch fairy-AIDS or something. Do fairies get STDs? I assume no, because this is fantasy wonderland and all that jazz, but still. Actually…!

"I don't want fairy-AIDS, friend." I tell Koi.

Koi tilts her head. "Fairy what?"

I catch Marisa smirking at my joke. Okay, Marisa knows what AIDS is, but Koi doesn't? Yeah, okay…

In this case, I've got a dare for her. "Look, yo, I'll do _something_ lewd with you if you actually manage to get Marisa's house constructed from ice without royally screwing up the process." Just a foreword that if anything actually _does_ happen, it's not going to be anything I share with the freakin' peanut gallery. Yeah, that means you! I know your game!

I'm also hoping to find a way out of it. Kinda.

She looks unamused. "You're lying."

I shrug. "Look, yo, I'll make a pinky swear. A pretty pinky swear, even!"

She looks at me hopefully. "...I'll hold you to that, Brad."

Egh. Hearing my name out loud is always awkward. You know what's even more awkward? Typing it in that context!

A gap opens over my head, and a box softly lands on my head. I remove it from my head and examine it…

Ah. Trojans. Y'know, my buddy told me of a better brand. Some UK brand. Though, I dunno if it's 'cause they were legit, or if it was just because he was a wannabe Englishman.

"Here." I toss it to Koi.

...She furrows her brows. "What're these?"

…

"Have fun." If you don't even know, I will make sure you _never_ know.

"W-what're these!?"

Anyway…

I clap my hands! "We all incentivized now?"

The fairies stop talking amongst one another and look towards me.

"...I mean, we all getting stuff we want now?" Fairies are not good word persons, it seems.

There was a general murmur of agreement.

"Alright, yo, we're gonna be gettin' to work, then!"

…

"Doing what?" Komi folds her arms. "You never told us anything."

But… I just…

Aaaauugh!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After a rebriefing, reincentivizing, and further propulsion of this vicious cycle, the fairies finally got it through their thick skulls that they're to be doing a job for a reward.

To my delight, they're doing the job… for now. Using Deep Blue, they're filling the things with water. Some of them screw up, like, half the time, and end up pushing their tray too early or getting water all over themselves, but things are going _generally_ okay.

As in, they've not all died yet. Yet.

Marisa nodded in satisfaction. "Wow. You actually got 'em to do it."

I smile. "Yeah. It only took about an hour of talking to them like they were retarded high schoolers with Iphones to express it to them, but I managed."

"...Pfft. High schoolers." Marisa comments.

I turn to her. "Curious experiences yourself?"

She shakes her head. "Nah. I don't think Keine allows mushrooms in her classrooms, ze. But now that you've given me the idea…"

…

Oh. Oh, that's right. Gensokyo doesn't have any actual high schools, does it? So when I said 'high schoolers'...

...Marisa thought I meant schoolers that are high!

…

Not a very big difference, probably, so I think my point got across regardless.

"I'm bored." Komi announces.

I walk up to the production line. "Nice to meet you."

Komi glares at me like she's going to jump over the line and strangulate me.

"Look on the bright side, Komi-chan." Ha-chan spoke up. "We'll get to sunbathe later. Wouldn't that be fun?"

"Two things." Komi growled. "First… don't call me 'chan'. Second… there's fucking _snow_ on the ground."

...Ha-chan tilts her head in confusion.

"...That means it's too cold to sunbathe!" Komi explains to her.

"Oh." Ha-chan looks back to her tray thing as she gets handed Deep Blue, filling it with water. As she hands it over to lime-friend, she looks back at Komi. "What if we wear coats?"

…

"Then… we wouldn't be _sunbathing_ then, would we…?" Komi looks like she's about to blast a gasket, yo!

"...I guess not." Ha-chan realizes. "Darn."

"Yeah. Darn." Komi grins in that 'fed up with this shit' sort of way. "Darn. Damn! Dammit, darn it, damn it all!"

Ha-chan recoils a bit. "K-Komi-chan? What's wrong?"

Komi gets up, moves over to the lime-friend, and rips Deep Blue from her hands. "Give me that!"

Lime-friend grabs it and tries to pull it back. "No! I'm not done yet!" Somehow. "Stuff it, idiot!"

Komi slaps her, then rips it from her hands once more. "Yeah- fuck you."

"Awwh…" Lime-friend pouts in response, slowly kneeling back to the production line again.

...Komi marches up to Ha-chan.

Clonk!

"A-aaa~h!" Ha-chan begins screaming!

I move to intervene, because the line is under attack! I point at Komi. "Oi, you, back to the work and things! Chop chop, yes?"

"Chop chop!" Komi grins maniacally, floating over the production line, towards me. "Look who has the hanger _now!_ "

I draw Swift Brand! "En garde, ya freakin' noob!"

We duel with the hangers!

Clink! Clank!

She has the advantage of hers constantly spurting water everywhere, but I have something she doesn't!

I kick her in the gut.

"Oough…" Komi crumples up, clutching her stomach. "M-motherfucker…"

I then whack her across the head with Swift Brand.

Thwack!

She twirls around, and falls to the floor.

…

Yeah, I coulda just pulled different hangers and pretended to be a boss fight, but I decided to end it the easy way and sucker-kick her.

I toss Deep Blue to Ha-chan, who catches it perfectly, somehow. Everyone in Gensokyo who isn't me is a perfectly coordinated fucking _wizard_ at that sort of thing.

"Alright, fairy friends, resume the ice and the things!" I announce. By now they've produced about ten blocks. It'll go a lot faster now that all the buckets are filled, so~... engh. "And let it be known that if anyone rebels, they'll become her." I gesture to the unconscious, black-haired vixen of a fairy.

Lime-friend stares warily, but the other two fairies are completely unfazed.

...I finally look back at Marisa, and she seems to have pulled up a chair.

"...Don't mind me, ze. Just relaxin'."

Where the hell did she find a chair in _this_ wreckage?

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

It is now evening.

The navy blue night sky nearly shimmers in contrast to the surroundings of debatably kempt snow, disturbed by snow removal processes and natural fairy life.

"How am I supposed play Go Fish when I can't feel my hands?" Komi ponders aloud.

"Very carefully." I tell her. I actually have a little pair of mittens, now! Well, technically. More like pads of cloth you use when you deal with ovens, but, y'know, a man can dream.

Why Marisa had these and no actual oven to speak of, I'll leave you to ponder.

Ha-chan smiled. "It's easy!" She then sticks her hands in her mouth. She then attempts speaking. "Ike ish!"

Komi scoffed. "Yeah… no."

Dim, magically lit candles give us light as we work at plopping the blocks down. I'm the only one trusted with Flame Salvo, for obvious reasons. Marisa's house doesn't need to have what little's left of it freakin' go up in smoke.

By now, we've actually got about half the wall up of the rightmost side, from the perspective of one walking in through the front door.

Koi clocked out earlier, freakin' falling asleep on a patch of snow. Do fairies die of hypothermia? Do they just explode when their body hits that critical state of 'oh, abso-fuckin'-lutely no heat, we're boned'?

Marisa enchants small segments at a time with the spell she picked up from the book.

Despite the slow pace Marisa is forced to use, she's still able to relax quite readily. Planting and merging blocks takes freakin' time, yo!

"Ehh…" Marisa hissed in annoyance. "This is so tedious, doin' only a couple blocks at a time…"

I shrug. "It beats a melting house in the summer, yo."

"It's not that," she continues, "It's just that I'll have to reapply these enchantments in the future. Then it'll suck."

...I couldn't really disagree with that.

Ha-chan speaks up, as if she knew something about the situation. "Did you try casting it harder?"

Marisa nodded. "Yeah, that just made the ice more icy."

Wat. You say that, but nothing is visually different about any of the ice. How do you even know!?

"Hmmm… I dunno, then." Ha-chan helpfully expresses her loss for ideas.

"...Right." Marisa stares at her skeptically. "It's mostly my lack of experience with elements and stuff, ze. Elemental warfare was never really my thing. I prefer doin' stuff the ol' fashioned way."

Apparently giant-ass death lasers classifies as 'the old fashioned way'.

"C-cold... " Lime-friend mumbles, shivering violently as she hugs herself. "I-it's… so cold…"

Yeah, I think we're all freezing our balls off, here. Well, me, at least. Everyone else was freezing their ovaries off, to be more correct.

"...Should we make that fire, now?" Marisa proposed.

I gue~ss. "Alright. Should we call it a night, friends? We gotta pick this business up tomorrow, though, the moment we're all freakin' awake."

"I can't feel anything." Komi complains. "Help."

She tries to get up from the kneeling position she adopted for most of the block-placement spree we'd been on, only to fall over onto the snow-laden floorboards of this open bit of Marisa's shack.

Woah, no. I move up to her and begin pulling her towards Marisa's room.

"Someone get the door, yo." I ask.

"I goh ih!" Ha-chan speaks up with her hands in her mouth again, moving to the door. She takes one hand out, and places it on the handle. Pulling open the door, she moves out of the way-

…

Well, then. Her hand… is stuck to the handle.

"W-what?" Ha-chan stares at the handle in confusion. "Oh, no!"

I drag Komi into the bedroom, and Marisa follows behind me, followed eagerly by Lime-friend.

I move to the fire pit, and create some wooden blocks. I then tap them with Flame Salvo…

Fwoom!

Instant campfire! My mundane abilities are actually damn good survival skills! If I was back on the outside, I'd be, like, a god right now. I'd be the chieftain of a tribe, yo. I'd probably get killed and gutted for practicing crazy voodoo witchcraft.

On second thought, maybe it's better that I'm in here…

"Finally…" Marisa shudders from the heat being produced by the amber flames.

Lime-friend smiles. "Warmth…"

She leaps into the fire.

Marisa's jaw drops. "W-what the hell!?"

Uhm…!

…

She slowly begins to catch fire. After a few moments of her hugging the burning pile-

Pi~chun!

Well, then. Okay.

"...I hope she comes back to finish things tomorrow morning." I lament.

"Pfft. As if." Marisa grins into the fire. "We could probably get Cirno, though. Or something."

We should've gotten Cirno to begin with, but whatever, yo.

...Also, Koi is still outside, slowly slipping into eternal slumber. Not so eternal when you're a fairy, though. This makes me question why fairies need heat, but then that begs the question of why fairies even freakin' exist.

You don't ask those kinds of questions when you live in Gensokyo. No matter how well Patchouli or Eirin might explain it, there's _some_ facet deep down in there that's just like 'it's just fuckin' magic, dude.'

"H-help!" Ha-chan cries, desperately trying to pull her frozen saliva-encased hand from the handle.

Marisa groans. "Look, buddy…"

She gets up and walks up to Ha-chan. "Sorry."

With a quick kick to Ha-chan's torso, she's knocked outside, bringing the door to a slamming shut.

Marisa then drags a dresser in front of the door.

Banging is heard, along with a jiggle of the door handle. "N-no~!"

Rest in ice, Ha-chan. You will be missed, but let's face it, you'll probably keep charging back here every time hypothermia strikes your vital life processes. Could I have easily saved her? Maybe… but she's freakin' immortal, anyway. I'm sure she'll find a way.

I'm also too cold and tired to care. Oof.

Speaking of tired… bed!

Marisa only has two- and why the hell are there two? Guest bed, I suppose. I don't think she'd think that far ahead, but okay. The weirder part is that it's in her bedroom. Would it've killed her to make a guest bedroom or something?

I approach the guest bed-

"I wouldn't do that, if I were you, ze." Marisa warns me.

I turn to her, gazing questioningly.

She walks up to it, and taps one of the bed legs. Suddenly, it folds up into itself, and then falls apart. "It was s'posed to be a trap for the fairies. Y'know, if they slunk into here and nodded off. It wasn't a real bed."

...I was wondering why I didn't notice two beds earlier. Freakin'... what even?

I hop into the pile of broken bed parts. There was still blankets, here! "Whatever, yo, I'll take it, I'll take it."

Marisa smiles. "Cool. I'm going to sleep, too. If anyone touches me, they're gonna stop living. Night."

With that, she plopped down on her bed, fully clothed.

"What about me?" Komi questions from the floor next to the fire. "I'm stiff as hell, and being laid on this wood floor doesn't help me be less stiff."

No one responds.

"...H-hey! I need help, here!"

No response. I'm too tired…

"...Whatever." Komi bitterly accepts her fate.

Sleepy times ahead, friend...

…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I awaken to thrashing at the door!

"Lemme i~n!" Ha-chan sounded like she was throwing all her limbs against the door.

It's so cold that bundling up in this mess of blankets is less useful than running around like a moron, I'd hazard!

So that's what I do. I get up, and begin jogging in place.

Komi looks over to me from the fire, now apparently thawed out, or something. "...What the hell are you doing?"

"Becoming one with the universe." I tell her.

She doesn't respond, just staring into the fire.

"...How the frik is that fire still going?" I wonder aloud.

"I took some bits from your bed pile." Komi explained. "You didn't need them."

Probably not…

I look over to Marisa, who was sitting up and nuzzling a fluffle.

My eyes widen, and my jaw drops!

Marisa's eyes widen!

The fluffle's shell nose opens. "dont look im not decent"

The door gets abused again. "Bra~d-ku~n! Thief-cha~n! Ko~mi-cha~n! Hehehe~lp!"

…

"I think we should save the fluffy fairies, now." I argue.

"...Sure." Marisa idly gives the go-ahead.

I move to the door, and slide the dresser out of the way. I open the door, and I find Ha-chan there, with a little pair of mittens and a little winter hat.

"Hello, Brad-kun!" She greets me. "I was on a quest, because I died, and had to get back!"

Hyonk.

"I met this nice lady who made me some mittens!" She held up her mittens. "See?"

They've actually got little blue lightning bolts on them. That's very curious attention to detail!

"Neat." I monotone. I mean… what else'm I gonna say?

Aaah, a bright, cold morning. Have I mentioned it's cold yet? I don't think I expressed that yet!

Koi also seems to be gone. I think she got explodinated in the middle of the night. Now we're down, like, two fairies. At least we got a good chunk of the blocks, so far.

Marisa exits the bedroom after I do. "What're we gonna do for a roof?"

Oh, shit.

…

"Who wants to steal plywood from the Hakurei Shrine…?" I suggest sheepishly.

Marisa sighs. "S'not gonna be me, 'cause you're supposed to be building it _for_ me."

Yeah. That, and Reimu'll probably just let me take off with it. Or anyone, really.

I turn to Ha-chan. "Hi, friend."

"Hi!" She beams back at me.

"You must go to the Hakurei Shrine and theft those loose plywood boards. You might have to dig in the snow a bit, so uh…"

Marisa raises a finger. "Hold on a sec!"

She retreats back into her bedroom for a moment, then reemerges with a large shovel. "Here, ze."

She tosses it to Ha-chan, who just let it hit her.

"A-ah!" She screams in surprise.

Marisa facepalmed. "You, uh, were supposed to catch it…"

Ha-chan picks up the shovel. "I'll be back, Brad, and I'll have all the plywood with me!"

I'm half expecting her to transport the entire Hakurei Shrine over here, but I don't think she has the resources available for that. Or the firepower to deal with a disgruntled, half-frozen Reimu.

I look to the ice walling, and see that Ha-chan's added like, three blocks while we were down for the count.

Clapping my hands, I call for the last remaining worker. "Komi, get out here and help me build!"

"Fuck you!"

Oh. I see we're in fine spirits, today.

"Just get the hell out here and work!" I yell back.

"Make me!"

Alright, son.

I walk inside, and strut towards her.

She looks up at me, and sighs dramatically. "Fi~ne. Whatever. I'll do it."

I smile. "Atta girl. Get out here, yo."

And so we worked!... and worked. And worked, and worked. It was work. Placing blocks, sometimes dropping blocks on our feet, and sometimes dropping our feet on the blocks. Blocks on blocks, and feet on feet! Maybe not feet on feet, actually…

We got the entire rightmost wall done, eventually. The front door to the 'front' was still standing, so when we moved to the front wall we could just build around it, or something.

Marisa sighs. "...How long is this even going to take?"

"A while." I tell her. "Freakin', took a day just to get things started nice and proper."

"...I got more things to do than sit here and make sure my stuff doesn't get mangled, ze."

Oi, have more faith in me, friend!

She stretches. "So~... I think I'll help you guys out a bit."

Komi scoffs. "That's rich."

Marisa extends her hand, and some blocks begin floating. Quickly, she positions all the blocks with magical levitation, building half the entire front wall in literally thirty seconds.

…

I turn to her. "...Coulda done that to begin with?"

She grins, and nods. "Coulda done that to begin with."

"...Why?" I want to know.

"Consider it a test of willpower." Marisa mirthfully explains. "I think you did enough. Also, I'm getting sick of it, so I guess it's my will that gave in, in the end."

...I spent like, multiple days… just to undergo a 'test of willpower'.

Why the hell was I here, again!? What even led up to this moment!?

Marisa giggles. "I think I'll just let you… 'cool off', ze."

Aaaauuugh!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After careful contemplation and re-reading the previous chapters, I have remembered that I came to Marisa to learn a spell or something! The only way to get mentored by her was to make her not tear my guts out!

...I look up, and see a noose slowly lowering from a gap.

"No, friend." I hold up one of the numerous fluffles that have made a home of Marisa's abode, and put it in the noose. It tightens, and pulls the fluffle up into the gap.

"Waaa~l!"

A~nd it's gone.

Marisa snorts. "What was _that_ about?"

I shake my head. "I don't even know, yo. I don't even know."

I know _exactly_ why.

We were all seated in the shitty ice-and-plywood hut half of the house, gathered around a fire. Komi and Ha-chan are here, too.

"So then shrine maiden-chan was like 'get out of my house', and I was like 'it's a shrine, not a house'! Hehehe!" Ha-chan giggled.

...I see.

"Shrine maiden?" Komi raises a brow. "Who?"

Marisa nodded casually. "Me. I'm Reimu."

Yes.

"Get the fuck out." Komi monotones, staring blankly at Marisa.

"I'm serious, ze!" Marisa tries again at convincing Komi. "I'm Reimu! I just don't like the shrine maiden attire, and stuff! It doesn't keep my armpits warm in the winter!"

Pffft.

"Just stop." Komi rolls her eyes. "Really."

Marisa's gaze grows tired. "You're awful boring for a fairy…"

"You're awful. Period." Komi counters.

I drum my legs against the floor! "Ooo~h! Shots fired, noob! Shots fired!"

"That wasn't even that good, ze…" Marisa scoffs.

Well, the house is done! I dunno if the ice end up being purely cosmetic or detrimental to the home's climate, but whatever. Also, plywood roof. That's not doing anything any favors.

At least, that business is done! "So, magical friend…" I rub my hands together in anticipation.

Marisa turns to look at me. "Yeah?"

"What magical magics could I possibly learn from you?" I present the big question! "It has to be magical, just saying."

She pauses. "Hmm… I kinda need to know what ya can cast first. Like, so I don't teach you something that makes you die when you cast it."

I hope you're talking figuratively, friend. "Well, you saw that holy blast earlier."

Marisa blinks. "...You, uh… really considering that your best?"

...Yeah. My most expensive spell is probably summoning London, but the holy spells come second.

I nod.

She gives me a half-smirk. "...You really _are_ a wimp."

I figured!

"I guess I can teach ya to make stars fall on people's heads, or something." Marisa shrugs.

Star shower!? That sounds fuckin' awesome!

She points at Ha-chan. "Here!"

A yellow star materializes in the air, and then flies down diagonally towards Ha-chan.

"A-ah!" Ha-chan flinches, and gets struck before she can react.

Ti~ng!

"Aaa~h!" She yells, falling backwards.

Thud.

…

"I-I'm okay!" Ha-chan gives a thumbs-up!

So it's not a badass star shower, but uh… it's a start.

"It's very random, so don't expect much from it." Marisa tells me. "It was one of the first spells I learned myself! It brings me wa~y back…"

Komi clears her throat. "Ahem!"

I look towards her. "Hi."

"...So what was that about a Go Fish game?" Komi reminds us.

Marisa grins. "Hey, I still got my deck 'a cards. Somewhere…"

She gets up and moves towards one of the room's piles, and starts digging.

Komi looks genuinely surprised Marisa actually began looking for the cards, and we were actually progressing towards that game. So much so that she's not saying anything!

We might also need a table. Standing around a fire's probably not the best…

"I noticed a peculiar lack of tables." I state. There _is_ still Marisa's desk.

"Ah, yeah. We'll just stack books or somethin'." Marisa calls from a pile of books.

That works, too!

In a short while, we get a 'table' all set up, nice and proper. I also take a moment to novel at the translucency of the walls. That… probably doesn't do the privacy aspect any favors, but it's the middle of the woods, anyway.

Marisa begins dealing the cards.

"Why don't I get to deal the cards?" Komi immediately complains.

"They're my cards." Marisa states.

"Oh, I get it. Trick cards." Komi frowns. "I see how it is."

Marisa counters her sass with some of her own! "You couldn't tell a trick from yer headdress, fairy. I'd shut up, if I were you."

"Hmph." Komi folds her arms. Ho ho!

"I love card games!" Ha-chan smiles. "What game are we playing?"

"Go Fish." We all simultaneously tell her.

She props her arms to her sides. "I love that one! How do you play?"

I'm sorry, but those sentences contradict each other.

"You gotta get four of a type 'a card." Marisa explains. "You ask for whatcha got. If they have it, they gotta give it to you. If they don't, then you gotta go fish."

Ha-chan furrows her brows. "I-I'm sorry… I don't own a fishing rod."

Marisa sighs. "I mean you draw a card."

Ha-chan looks confused, still.

"I mean, you don't actually 'go fish', when someone tells you to 'go fish' they mean you draw a card." Marisa tiredly explains further.

"That's not true." Ha-chan states determinedly. "When me and my friends went fishing, that one time, we got rods and fished! We didn't draw cards!"

Marisa glares at her. "You know what? Just watch. You'll figure it out."

"Oka~y…" Ha-chan still looks unsure.

We all pick up our cards, except for Ha-chan, who only picks them up after realizing we all did.

I've got myself two queens; one of spades and the other of hearts, a two of hearts, a three of clubs, and an ace of spades.

I suck at holding cards, by the way. Freakin', everything's behind other things, and oof. Then I look at Marisa's hand, and for _whatever_ reason, they're all almost evenly spaced. Komi's is… less so. Some of my cards are freakin' on their side, so she's still got me beat, there.

And Ha-chan's… are somewhat backwards. Even though Marisa gave her them all facing one direction, and face down.

Wait, did Marisa look at them when she dealt them? I guess I'll find out!

I glance down at my hand…

"Who's gonna go first?" Komi questions.

"Me, ze." Marisa grins.

She did, didn't she?

"No, I want to go first." Komi glares at her. "You got to deal them. I get to go first, then!"

Marisa rolls her eyes. "Fine, ya oversized brat."

Komi glares at her. "...Marisa. Do you have any… queens?"

"Go fish." Marisa's grin reasserts itself.

"Damn it." Komi goes fishing.

Ho ho. Komi'd be the type of person to go blast-fishing, I feel.

"Alright…" Marisa stretches. "I guess it's my turn…"

Komi glares at her. "No. We're going counter clockwise."

Marisa glares back. "What the hell's your problem? You beg for a game, and then yer panties become one with yer ass!"

"I just want a _fair_ and _balanced_ game." Komi smirks. "Is that so wrong?"

"What's that have to do with being fair and balanced!?" Marisa shouts back.

"Things." Komi explains herself very elaborately and eloquently.

Marisa narrows her eyes at her. "...Fine. I'll _humor_ you. Brad, s'your turn."

It is time to employ the strategy I know best! "Marisa, d'you got any twos?"

She winces. "Fuck… really?"

I nod.

"...Can you call fer like, threes instead?"

I _have_ threes! That's the scary part! "No, friend."

"How about queens? I got a lotta queens." Marisa assures me.

Uhh… totally. I also have two queens, for some reason. She _knows_ what I have, I'm sure of it! "Nope, nope. I want twos, fluffy."

"E-eh…" Marisa frowns. "...Here."

I get a two of clubs! Yea~h!

I look over at Ha-chan. "...Do you got any twos, fluffy friend?"

Ha-chan nods. "Here, Brad-kun."

"Really…" Marisa stares at me bitterly.

Woo. Now… "Komi, you freakin' noob, gimme yer twos!"

Komi grins wickedly. "Go. Fish."

Ah, shit. I fish, and I get a freakin' four of diamonds.

It is now Ha-chan's turn. We shall observe the pro in action!

"U-uhm…" She looks at her cards nervously. "...I-I don't have any fish. They're just hearts and stuff."

"Ask Komi for aces." Marisa says outright.

Wait, woah, woah, woah! What the frik, dude!

"...Komi-chan. Do you have any aces?"

Komi places an ace of clubs and hearts on the table. "What the fuck."

Ha-chan looks to Marisa after taking her aces. "...What now?"

"Ask Brad for aces." Marisa instructs her.

Wat. No.

"Brad-kun-"

I toss my ace of spades at her.

"Thanks…" She re-organizes her cards.

"Ask Komi for aces, again." Marisa tells her.

Pfft.

"O-okay…" Ha-chan smiles. "Komi-chan, give me some aces!"

"I'm out of aces, you retard. You literally just took them!" Komi grits her teeth.

Ha-chan tilts her head.

"...She means go fish." Marisa translates.

"Oh." Ha-chan draws a card!

Marisa smiles. "Alri~ght…"

Here we go.

"...Ha-chan, gimme yer aces." Marisa holds her hand out.

Aw, geez.

Marisa receives three aces, and thus has all the aces.

"S'one fer me." Marisa places it down. She looks at me. "You got any threes?"

Yep. I give her my three.

"Cool… Komi, threes."

Komi gives her one. "I hate you."

"I know." Marisa smiles. "Ha-chan, gimme three."

Ha-chan almost gives her three cards, but Marisa retracts her hand. "Ahah, no, no, I mean, a card with a three on it…"

"Oh!" Ha-chan hands her the three.

She lays down the complete set of threes on the table. "That's two…"

She looks at me. "Got any nines?"

Nope. "Go fish, friend."

She does so, and grins at her card. Oh, boy…

Komi nods. "Give me your nine."

Marisa shrugs. "No biggie."

The card is exchanged!

"...Brad, nines." Komi demands of me.

"No can do, buckaroo!" I shake my head. If she was payin' attention, she'd've noticed Marisa asking me!

She shrugs, and draws a card.

My turn! "...Hey Komi, got any twos?"

"Go fish." Komi monotones.

Daw. I draw a card…

Ha-chan, will you save the day?

"...Uhm…" She looks at Marisa hopefully.

Marisa shakes her head. Freakin' cruel.

"A-ah… B-Brad, do you have any aces…?" Ha-chan, you don't even have aces, I'm sure of it! It's impossible for anyone to have aces!

"...If I said 'no', would you be surprised?" I tread carefully!

Ha-chan looks defeated. "That's okay…"

"Alright." Marisa nods. "Brad, queens."

There goes mine!

"Komi, queens."

Komi slams her cards down on the table. "This is bullshit!"

...Marisa just grins at her.

Komi heads for the door, sticking her middle finger up at us. "Nope. Scre~w this. I'm going home, and Brad, when I find Koi, I'm sending her to _rape_ your ass. And that's a promise!"

Someone's salty, yo. I mean, for good reason, but… yo.

She storms out, and slams the door on her way out.

…

"Awwh." Marisa scratches the back of her head. "...I had a whole thing setup with nines and stuff, too."

I don't even wanna know. "Well, friend, if you're done cheating at Go Fish, I'd like to know if we can get started on teachin' me that freakin' spell…"

"Ah." Marisa nods. "Right, right. It's not hard, lemme show ya…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Outside, near a snowy wall, Marisa was searching for some target practice…

"What can we shoot, what can we shoot…" She had her hand to her chin, looking around. "...Maybe a bucket, or somethin', ze…"

I cast the magics. Lifting my arm into the air and channeling some of my mana, I exert it!

"Hyah!"

Poof.

A crusty pillow lands in the snow.

Marisa scoffs at it. "Oh, okay. Sure. Why not."

Hey, yo, it's expendable.

"Alright, so, did Patchy teach you the basics of manifesting mana, ze?" Marisa questions. "That, like, really helps with basic template casting 'n' things."

Uhh… "Should we pretend I did?"

…

"Nevermind, then." Marisa slowly shook her head. "You seem to cast some spells just fine, anyway. Now, I wantcha to sorta channel your mana to yer arms…"

I do so, I think. I hold it up, too, like I was casting the crusty pillow spell.

"Good, good, like that! Just don't cast that pillow again, or you won't have an arm to cast with, ze."

That's an awfully casual way to passively threaten one's limbs.

"Now just imagine the star shape. Kinda like danmaku, except not!" Marisa nods. "...Also, if you don't get it this way, we're gonna have to hit the books, and shit. You _don't_ wanna hit the books, or the shit."

Oh, boy.

I visualize the star shape!

"...Hope you're good with what you see. Now, throw yer arm forward. Shout if ya need to!"

With my mana channeled into my arm, I cast it forward! "Nugget sto~rm!"

A dinky little star forms above me, and crashes down on the pillow, fluffing it slightly.

Bink!

Marisa nodded. "...That sucked. But, you don't have to hit the books, 'cause you've at least got some form of that natural mojo, and stuff."

I turn to her. Channeling my mana once more, I focus on the star spell…

"Nugget sto~rm!"

I throw my arm towards her, and the dinky star is thrown towards her!

Bink!

She flinches a little, and her hat gets knocked off.

"Hey, hey, watch it, ze." She rubs her hair. "You're gonna scuff my hat!"

I'm pretty sure it's already scuffed, friend.

"...Alright, so, if you want it to not suck, you're just gonna have to practice a bit and figure out why it sucks so much." Marisa prompts me. "Until then, I'll be reorganizing my stuff. Good luck."

With that, Marisa goes back to her house, and vanishes into the front door.

…

Ha-chan flies out onto the front porch moments later, and the door slams behind her.

"Awwh…" She pouts.

I wonder…

This time, I visualize the non-elemental star, but I don't shout anything. I visualize it spinning and growing…

I cast my arm forward!

A larger, colorless star drifts down slowly and bounces off the pillow.

...There's not even any noise, 'cause it hardly made an impact! What the frik!?

One more time, yo…

I hold my arm up, and repeat the visualization process. Spinning star of growing magical magicness!

I cast my arm forward! "Lucky Star!"

A larger star falls down onto the pillow!

Di~nk!

The pillow explodes into stuffing on impact.

"I did it! Ungh!" I fist pump! "I won! I got the money!"

Yo ho ho~!

...Ha-chan gingerly approaches me. "Why'd you do that to that pillow…?"

Trust me, if you knew what was on that pillow, you'd be grateful. Speaking of, I think I'll take this moment to show her…!

"Do you want a free pillow, fluffy friend?" I ask her.

"But, you killed it..." Ha-chan looked crestfallen.

I channel the miniscule amount of mana, and cast forth the crusty pillow!

Poof.

...Ha-chan walks up to it. "Oo~h!" Lifting it up, she holds it close… then promptly holds it away from herself, examining it closer.

…

"E-eew~!" She tosses it away. "Smelly, smelly, smelly…!"

She navigates behind me. "Make it stop living. Please?"

It's alive. It's ali~ve!

I lift my arm and star shapes and yeah whatever!

"Aaa~h, aaa~h!" I shout as I throw my arm forward recklessly!

An uneven, shifting and colorless star falls down onto the pillow, before breaking into magic particles on contact, doing absolutely nothing.

Wow, that sucked! Even worse than usual! Guess the setup's actually important!

Focusing, I lift my arm. I once again imagine the even, spinning and growing star, and the luminescent yellow glow.

I cast my arm forward! "Lucky Star!"

The yellow star falls straight towards the pillow.

Di~nk!

There we go, yo! Stuffing everywhere!

Where the hell're the spell hotkeys when you need'em? Man, being a semi-competent mage is hard as nails. Then you got freakin', Patchy in her fancy library over there, makin' it look easy!

...Oh, I almost forgot.

I walk up to Marisa's door, and open it up…

Inside, I see her digging through a book. She looks up at me. "Oh, hey, ze. You give up yet?"

I shake my head. "I have found a way to cast stars that aren't clinically retarded!"

"Oh, cool." She grins. "...Well, that's all for today's lessons! Both because I'd like another favor for more… and I have no freakin' clue what else I'd teach ya that you could even do."

Next step: mana pool expansion! That'd be the bomb.

And now for the reason I walked into the house in the first place. "Patchy told me to tell you she knows some info about Mima's whereabouts."

...Marisa stands up. "Well. I assume she told ya, like, a day ago?"

I nod.

"...Why didn't'cha tell me then!?"

I throw my arms up. "It was fun night fluff night! What was I s'posed ta do!?"

She folds her arms. "A~h, I'm sure Patchy won't mind. Also, uh, no hard feelings, but I'd like you to _not_ be in my house while I'm gone."

I stare at her dryly. "I, like, built it. Practically."

"I know, I know, it's just…"

I mean, everyone's entitled to privacy, but hnnn~gh! "I can't read a single book, and that's all that's in there, to me! But, I'll respect your wishes, yo. I won't dare to read the unreadable." I reassure her. "Don't read too deep, as they say, or the book'll freakin' become one with your head, and you'll be dead."

…

Marisa nodded slowly. "I dunno what you're talking about at this point, but as long as you'll keep out, I guess I'm fine with it."

Yea~h!

"Have a good one, ze." Marisa smiled, heading for the door. I went out the door with her, and it closed behind us.

She hopped on her broom. "Don't die, and all that. If you do, at least make it easy for me to find that bag of crap!"

Hahaha, no, I'll be locking it in a Zelda dungeon about fifty miles from my dead body. You'll need, like, the strategy guide to even _find_ it.

How'd I do that? Very carefully. I bet Yukari'd do it for me, just because she'd have a similarly assholeish idea.

And Rinnosuke can sell the strategy guide. It all comes full circle…

I watch Marisa fly away. Still somewhat surreal, even after all this time…!

...I turn to her door, and aggress the handle!

It's locked, even though she didn't use a key on it, or anything. Hyonk.

I suppose I'll head over to Alice's, then, both to say hello and to see if she has anything to teach me. I'm just gonna run around as many places as possible to get as much crap as possible, yo.

As I begin walking to Alice's I notice that walking there's kinda impossible unless I have snowshoes. Guess I'll just have to fly…!

Pulling out my flail-o-copter, I take to the air, with Ha-chan scrambling to catch up behind me. I feel like a demented Mary Poppins!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 34

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Unknown ice spell acquired?

INVENTORY:

Youkai Inconveniencer - Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Yet to be discovered other spell…?

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives that I mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

Holy Talismans - Provides a holy upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

Electric Talismans - Provides an electric upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out...

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

rather slow chapter but y'know those happens from time to time, byproduct of following my nearly EVERY WAKING MOMENT

nuggetvania. l :3

one thing i find is that i write myself into lengthy situations; which isn't a bad thing by any means, but sometimes i feel like the little branchlings of things drag on

such is a necessity if someone wants to write a "good" OC fic, or at least, one worth its salt, if anything

as always, see you all next time!


	41. The Man with a Snow Shovel for a Head

(GUESS WHOSE TIME IT IS that's right MATT'S PERSPECTIVE back again yo; it's like RICHTER MODE from SYMPHONY OF THE NIGHT okay i'll shut up now)

It is yet another day.

"Y-Yuyuko-sama!" Youmu yelped. "Th-that's too much…!"

Yuyuko smiled warmly. "It's _never_ too much, Youmu-chan."

"Please, stop…!" Youmu protested.

"Shhh, shh… Rela~x." Yuyuko softly quelled her.

...I turned to face them from the kitchen table, and saw Yuyuko pouring an entire bag of sugar into the bowl, slowly.

Another day in an abnormal place, that is.

Youmu jittered, slowly clutching her head as she watched it slowly happen. "A-aauu…"

In a moment, the bag was empty, deposited entirely into the bowl.

"...Was that so hard?" Yuyuko looked at Youmu, still smiling.

"...Yes." Youmu squeaked. "You ruined it."

Yuyuko grinned, rolling her eyes. "I didn't _ruin_ it, Youmu-chan. I made it sweet!"

Yuyuko had decided to aid her in baking a cake. Because, you know, after that last expedition, we needed more cakes. They all mysteriously disappeared the night we came back with them.

Mysteriously.

"There's not even enough water in the bowl for that." Youmu broke it to Yuyuko. "If you mix it, it's gonna get all dusty."

...A fluffle, who may or may not have been Gustavus Adolphus, rose to its finny legs, positioned at the far end of the kitchen counter they were working on.

"We'll just add more water, then!" Yuyuko cheered. She moved to the sink, and got a nearby pitcher.

Yes, the afterlife apparently has plumbing. It's more than could be said about the human village.

She returned to the bowl after filling the pitcher, and poured the water in.

"Y-you have to do it sl-"

It splashed in, and sugar, batter, and water splashed out of the container.

...Youmu scoffed, turning to Yuyuko as she wiped some debris from herself. "Slowly."

Yuyuko was untouched, having allowed the batter to pass through her when it splashed out. The most mundane of advantages. "Well, sometimes hard work is messy." She shrugged.

Yuyuko, then, pulled out a mixer from the lower drawers.

"The bowl's too full!" Youmu announced loudly. "It's going to go everywhere!"

Gustavus Adolphus slowly waddled up to the bowl to observe.

"I'll clean it up later, don't worry." Yuyuko assured her. "Besides, this is how you make cakes, right?"

...Youmu pulled an empty drawer from one of the lower shelves, and shielded herself with it. "It's a waste of ingredients, Yuyuko-sama…"

Yuyuko put the mixer into the bowl, and turned it on.

Once I saw the contents of the bowl begin shooting across the room, I made the wise decision to duck under the table.

"Yu-Yuyuko-sama~!" Youmu whined, retreating as batter struck the shelf she took out.

"W-woah!" The bowl began wobbling out of control, since she didn't grab onto it, with water and sugar flowing out onto the counter and onto the floor. Gustavus Adolphus opened its shell nose, flailing its fins in excitement.

This continued for a moment or two, until Gustavus became overstimulated.

"honhonhonhonhonh" It made fluffy noises, and charged at the bowl.

"H-hey!" Yuyuko tried to swat it away, but her hand was still incorporeal. The fluffle lunged at the bowl, and knocked it out from under the mixer.

Smash!

It hit the floor. The batter sat in the center of the shards, like a clump, while the sugar and water spread out.

"H-how!?" Youmu gaped at it. "Yuyuko-sama, what…!?"

Yuyuko grabbed Gustavus Adolphus by its little fluffy neck. "...It seems this little fellow wanted to join our cake, Youmu-chan. "

Youmu stared at it. "Yeah, that one showed up just the other night. It really likes this room, apparently, but I couldn't catch it whenever I saw it."

Yuyuko gazed at it. "How cute."

I stood up. "Before you do anything further, I have a question to ask the tiny barbarian."

The two girls looked at me.

I walked up, and met gazes with the little fluffle that stared into space. "Are you, or are you not, Gustavus Adolphus?"

...The fluffle looked at me.

"...adoofaloofa!"

It is not.

I nod. "You are now."

It opens its little shell nose.

Yuyuko dropped it to the floor, and it landed in the mess, promptly beginning to roll around in it.

She sighed. "Those little dust mites are curious beings."

"Curious? They practically besieged the entire realm not just a week ago." Youmu tiredly added. "They're an infestation is what they are."

"Mmm…" Yuyuko hummed. "We could use an exterminator, then!"

...Youmu leaned against the counter. "Y-yeah… Sure…"

I navigate back to the table, and take a seat at it. Youmu agreed with this idea, and joined me at an adjacent chair.

...Yuyuko pouts. "Why're you all so glum, today?"

"The toilet's broken." I begin, "Can I go down to the surface to use the bathroom?"

…

Yuyuko smiles at me. "No."

Youmu glared at me. "The toilets are _not_ broken. I cleaned them just hours ago."

I look at her, and grin. "Well, they won't be unbroken for long. This is why I propose the use of surface bathrooms. They're not quite as fragile as afterlife bathrooms."

By 'unbroken', I mean I'm going to smash it into submission.

Youmu holds her glare. People really like glaring at me.

The room fell silent. That went well.

Attempt number two! "Yuyuko, I am in vast need of human-to-human interaction, lest I become a sad human unable to empathize with others. May I traverse to the surface to quench this desire?"

Yuyuko smiled. "You have Youmu. She's a human."

I beg to differ. She's also technically half-dead. "She is half-ghost, woman. It does not satisfy my human-to-human interaction quota."

Youmu sat up. "What do you even mean!? 'Human-to-human interaction quota'!?" She stood up, slamming her hands on the table. "What about those people? The ones you-you killed!?"

…

I grin. "Hey. It's interaction." I wasn't wrong, was I?

She grits her teeth. "B-but, it's just, you… Aargh!"

Rising from the table, she moves for the door. "I-I have to go! I'm sorry for the outburst, Yuyuko-sama..."

With that, Youmu left the room.

…

Yuyuko gazed at me, neutrally. "...We~ll, when you put it like that… no."

Yeah, I thought so.

We sat in silence for a number of minutes. I folded my arms while Yuyuko simply stared off into oblivion.

...I say silence, but there was still the noise of that fluffle sloshing about in the glass and batter.

Yuyuko noticed it, too, and pouted. "Stupid dust termite things…"

That reminds me…

"You said you needed an exterminator?" I asked the ghost mistress.

"Mmm." She confirms, nodding. "I was thinking of checking a phone book…"

Uh? "...I don't think the majority of residents have phones."

Yuyuko shrugged. "Oh. We don't either. I was wondering if Yukari could make the call for me, then."

...You could probably just ask her to directly strongarm someone into helping you, but that works too. "Did you have anyone in mind?"

Yuyuko nods. "I found this ad for an exterminator named Joe. He lives in some outside world country."

I have a feeling that some guy named Joe would be in over his head, here.

"You should definitely have Yukari call the guy named Joe." I tell her.

"Do you think so?" Yuyuko tilted her head. "I mean, he seems a little… cheap."

"Totally the man for the job." I reassure her. "There's nothing an exterminator from the yellow pages couldn't do."

Yuyuko smiles. "Alright. Thank you."

And thus, I have signed Joe's death warrant.

"...I could probably just send you to the human village to find one, but…" Yuyuko looked to the side, apprehensive. "All things considered…"

I shrug. "Tether me to Youmu by the hip again?"

She focused on me, again. "That worked well last time, didn't it?"

Yeah. Definitely.

"...Actually, you give me an idea!" Yuyuko smiles.

If it's anything like Yukari's radar idea, this shouldn't be any form of inconvenience.

/ / / / haKUUKUUKACHUU / / / /

It happened to be nothing like Yukari's radar idea, and it happened to be a form of inconvenience.

Youmu held up the literal chain that tethered us together. "...I-I'm not sure I follow, Yuyuko-sama…"

Yukari narrowed her eyes, examining the chain… "...It should be good to go."

Yuyuko smiled. "Thanks again for all the help, Yukari."

"Not a problem, Yuyuko." Yukari smiled back. "You also wanted me to… 'call up' an exterminator?"

Yuyuko nodded. "Mmhm! Some guy named Joe!"

...Yukari blinked. "...Ah." Then, she grinned. "Very well."

Yuyuko held up the phone book. "Here's the ad…"

Yukari stared at it for a moment. "...Good, good. I will be off to contact him. Also, you two…"

She turns to Youmu and me as a gap opens up behind us.

"I'll leave this gap open for you, in the Golden Grin's back side door. I trust no… unfortunate accidents will happen today, Youmu-chan?" She stared at Youmu.

Youmu stood at attention, and nodded stiffly. "Yes, ma'am."

Yukari winced. "...Don't call me ma'am, would you?"

Youmu stared at her dryly. "Would you rather I called you miss?"

"I'd rather you called me something hip and fresh!" Yukari posed. "Groovy with the kids, you know?"

…

"...I'll see myself out."

Grinning, Yukari fell through a gap in the floor, which opened right after she finished her sentence.

Youmu rigidly turned to the gap behind us. "Let's get this over with, Matt."

Hearing my name spoken is weird.

"Be safe, you two!" Yuyuko calls to us as we walk through the gap.

/ / / / NUGGET MODE / / / /

On the other side, I am faced once again by this door that leads out of a single segment of dead-end hallway.

"Follow me." Youmu instructs me, as if there was a way for me to avoid following her when we were literally tethered together by a steel chain.

"Only if you insist." I shrug.

We pass through the alley behind the Golden Grin, in which I decide to take a wrong turn down one of the deviating alleys.

The chain clatters as Youmu and I are forcibly kept together, and the two of us end up falling on our rear ends.

"Ugh…" Youmu rubs her rear as she stands back up. "Why would you even…?"

"I seem to have gotten lost." I inform her. "The village is a large place, to be certain."

She sighs, and waits for me to get back up. Once I'm up, she continues moving towards the main street network.

Once we reach it, she turns to me. "Yuyuko-sama wanted an exterminator, right?"

I nod. "Youkai exterminator, or something."

Joe obviously meets those qualifications just fine.

"...I'd ask Reimu again, but I'm sure she wouldn't want to…" Youmu considers aloud. "...Come to think of it, I've never really seen any of this village's exterminators myself. I know they have some."

I feel like they're going to be marginal disappointments, considering this village's track record.

We move to the village square in short time, and there, Youmu walks up to a large postboard. Various advertisements are written in Japanese on it, and the bulk of them have no illustrations. Unfortunate.

"Uhm…" Youmu's eyes scan the large board indecisively. "...I don't trust all of these advertisements. I think I'll pick the simplest one, then…"

She rips a small, ivory flier from the wall. "...W-was I supposed to take it off? Oh, well…"

Good job.

She began moving in a direction, the chain jerking me along with her. She stared at the paper, which I assumed had the address to the home of this exterminator or something. We walked down one of the main roads, where I looked around aimlessly…

...

I see an opportunity for mischief.

Along the side of the road, a young woman seems to be watering some flowers. Over her, there is an overhang that holds a tub of flowers.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Considering I'm thinking to myself, that answer is probably yes.

I subtly gesture towards the tub of flowers with my right hand. "Gravity."

...I forgot that part, where the spell makes me say its name like some hooligan.

Fwooaa~hh…

An expanding orb of darkness generates over the tub of flowers, eventually enveloping it. Once it finishes, the overhang falls in on itself, dropping the tub of flowers down.

Youmu pauses from the noise and my voice, and begins looking to the side. "Hmm?"

Thud! ...Thud.

The random, brown-haired woman fell over, with the tub of flowers lying next to her, broken. Villagers stopped to look at the sudden exchange, more startled by the large orb of darkness that loudly assaulted the flowers.

"What just happened, there…?"

"Someone, get the town guard! Someone cast dark magic!"

"Could it have been a youkai…?"

The villagers nearby begin speculating of the source of the action, while a few move to help the fallen woman.

"Who would do something like that…?" Youmu frowns. Then, she sighs. "This village gets worse every year…"

"I wish to know myself." I add. "I'd like to give them a pat on the back."

"Just stop." Youmu loudly asserts.

The rest of the walk proceeds quietly.

In short time, we reach the home. Or not, because it's not a home.

"Guard headquarters." Youmu helpfully elaborates for me. "...More like village hall, but that's besides the point."

We walk up the small stairway to the double doors, while I pause to watch a myriad of guards run out of the large side door, armed and ready.

...Then I'm jerked along by that chain.

"Come on." Youmu beckons me.

"I was admiring the horde of violence."

Youmu doesn't reply. Inside town hall, there was a bunch of boring-looking men sitting at wooden desks.

...Youmu walks up to one. "Hi. Uhm, where could I- I mean, where do I go for youkai exterminators?"

...The old guy at his desk looks up at her. "...Room on the left. We've only a few to spare today, so do be mindful. Not _every_ little circumstance requires a youkai exterminator, young lady."

I like how no one seems to care we're tethered together by a steel chain. Either this level of weird is normal, or everyone simply figures we're the victims of an unfortunate youkai prank. Or fairy prank, if they'd do something like this.

"U-understood." Youmu nods to him, and continues towards the left door.

She opens it up, and inside is a lounge. A blond man with slick, messy, parted hair sat in a large lounge chair, staring up at the ceiling.

There was an enormous suit of badass armor in the corner of the room, subtly glowing.

Some other, little blond kid sat at a mini-bar with his face down on the counter.

On the right side of the room sat a generic-looking villager that stared at us as we entered.

The generic villager smiled warmly. "Hi~. The name's George. Come on in!"

...Youmu and I apprehensively approached George.

"I'm the guy that's kinda in charge of the mercs these days." George tells us. "...More like a contractor, really. I just get'em deals."

He gestures to the blond kid. "He's Fred. He's a magician, I think. I've never seen him do any magic, though…"

He gestures to the suit of armor. "He's, uh…" George scratches his head. "...B-Baron… something…?"

...The suit glows in response.

"I forget, but, yeah. He doesn't really do any youkai exterminating. He's more of a diplomat."

I'm sorry?

Finally, he gestures to the blond guy on the lounge chair. "This is Albus Lucius. He's sort of a 'rising star' among the village elders. We've even got people saying he's better than the Hakurei Miko, not to toot our own horn!"

Rest in peace in many pieces, donation box.

...George steps closer, and whispers to us. "To be honest-" He looks back at Albus for a moment. "He's _kinda_ a freak, but… if you want 'em dead, he gets 'em dead. He takes the exterminator part… very seriously."

"I heard that." Albus calls out from the lounge chair.

"O-oh! Sorry, s-sir! I, was just uh, yeah…!"

He sounds like my kind of guy, even if he looks like a fop.

Youmu nods. "...I actually wanted to see him. I've got a job."

Albus suddenly stood up, with a burst of energy. "Alri~ght!"

He walks up to Youmu, and sticks out his hand. "Name's Albus."

Youmu shakes it.

He grins in a cocky manner. I'm starting to like him less. "So, point, and I'll shoot. Hahaha!"

...I point at Youmu.

He raises his brow.

...Youmu turns to glare at me, then turns back to face Albus. "Yes, well, I have a place with an… insect infestation. Youkai insect infestation, actually. Sorta." Youmu lies a little. They're more like dust mites, and they're not exactly youkai, I think…

...Albus folds his arms. "Well, which is it? If it's not youkai, it's not a job for youkai exterminators. I'm a busy man, you know."

"I-It's youkai, definitely." Youmu answers.

I chip in. "The youkai also put this chain on us." I gesture to it. "Help, please."

Youmu frowns, and turns to me.

It's not a lie, either! The youkai part, that is.

Albus grinned. "Awh, no way! Wo~w…" He moves around to take a look at the chain. "...Damn, what kind of iron's she made out of?"

I think it's steel, but that word might not mean anything to you.

"He-he's just kidding." Youmu speaks up. "I-it was a-a- Drinking! Drinking bet among friends, hahaha…"

Albus nods, grinning. "Ooh, yeah, I getcha. Whacky couples, right?"

"Hehehe…" Youmu giggles in a totally not forced manner.

…

After a moment of silence, Albus speaks up. "So, are~ we in a rush? I'd prefer if we were. Again, I'm kinda busy. Sorry."

"It's no problem." Youmu begins moving for the door. "Follow me."

We leave the village hall.

/ / / / OPTICAL SHOT! / / / /

We were moving towards the village square, again. Youmu had taken the lead, and I fell behind. Albus slowed down to walk next to me, his hands behind his head. He was a very, seemingly relaxed sort of person.

"So, she like your wife, or what?" Albus grinned as he quietly asked me. "No way this is just a drinking bet."

I shake my head, and speak back just as quietly. "No, look- we're being tricked."

He jerks his head back. "Hmm?"

I speak seriously, and keep my expression grim. "She's set up a trap for us."

"...Drinking party?" Albus guesses.

"Yes, and we'll be the drinks!" I yell-whisper. "She's a youkai."

Albus's eyes widen. "Get out…"

"I'm lucky to be alive." I tell him. "She's been using me to lure youkai hunters to their doom for a week now."

Albus's expression hardened. "...Do you know anything about a Gregory?"

No. "Lured to spiders."

…

Albus stops walking for a moment, and falls behind us.

…

"Ha~hahahaha!" He arches his head back, leans backward, and laughs into the daytime sky.

Youmu, startled, whirls around. "Wh-what?"

All the villagers nearby turn to look at him, ceasing their current activities.

Albus pulls out a gun. A flintlock, to be exact. I didn't even know this place had guns.

Bang!

Youmu- pupils contracting in horror- ducked under the shot. Villagers began fleeing from the scene immediately, put off by the noise.

"I finally found you!" Albus roars, grinning widely. "Your head's a fifty thousand yen bounty, you know!"

Youmu drew Roukanken. "What… are you talking about!?"

He stashes his flintlock away, and uses his opposite arm to draw another one.

Bang!

Youmu reacts on a dime, slashing at the bullet.

Swish!

...I don't know if she deflected it, or cut it in half.

Albus ducks, and shoots again.

Bang!

Youmu parries again.

Cla~ng!

Most of the villagers have cleared out by now.

"Damn…" Albus grimaces. "I can't go all out with that guy stuck to her…"

Then, he grins. "I know exactly what I'll do!"

Youmu's expression hardens. "Why are you doing this!?"

Albus's face contorts in rage for a moment, and he fires a shot.

Bang!

Youmu parries.

Cla~ng!

Youmu grimaces. "I don't want to do this, but…"

She slashes at him, sending a wave of energy at him.

"You can't hit me…" Albus's mocking voice comes from behind us. "Torpor!"

A large crystal formed between Youmu and me, encapsulating the chain.

"Ah…" Youmu hisses in frustration. "I-I can't move like this!"

Then, the crystal shatters, taking the chain along with it.

I grin widely, and backpedal from the fight. Scre~w that!

"Ha~hahahaha~!" Albus arches back and laughs again like a maniac.

"Please stop!" Youmu yells at him, and swings again.

Suddenly, he disappears again. "You can't hit me…"

She whirls around to find him behind her, as she predicted.

He raises his flintlock, and Youmu ducks before he fires.

Bang!

I casually backpedal away while facing the fight, watching it as I retreat…

Youmu runs towards Albus.

Albus grins giddily. "This time you'll _burn!_ Igniz Kick!"

He leaps into the air, performing an extravagantly unnecessary spin kick as he twirls right over Youmu's head, and the hems of his pants light on fire, creating a tornado of flame.

The only bad part of that attack is that it didn't hit a single thing.

Youmu takes the moment to run at him, and kick him in the back.

"Grah!"

I don't think a kick hurts _that_ much.

Albus spun around on his heel, both to distance himself from Youmu and to face her again. "Optical shot!"

He pulled his two flintlocks out, and both charged with what looked like holy and dark energy. Youmu braced herself, and the two contrasting orbs shot from his flintlock, whirling through the air, only to barely miss Youmu due to their unpredictable trajectory.

"Got you! Igniz Kick!"

...He did that flaming spin kick again, and Youmu simply ran under it.

"I don't want to hurt you!" Youmu shouted at him. He whirled around, and drew his flintlock again.

Bang!

Youmu parried.

Cla~ng!

"Shut the _fuck_ up!" Albus grinned again. "Glyph in bullet!"

He drew his two flintlocks, and used his off hand to pull a bullet from his pockets. He slipped it into the left flintlock and aimed at Youmu.

"Max shot!"

A large orb of darkness was shot towards Youmu, and she drew her shorter blade. When it neared, she stabbed into it, and the foggy darkness was absorbed by the dagger-sized blade.

"You…!" Albus's hands shook. "Let's see you dodge this!"

He took to the air, and did a somersault over Youmu. "Haa~h!"

Small yellow diamonds dropped from his jacket, and turned into those large crystals that freed me from my chains earlier.

Youmu stood between two, just barely managing to not get stuck in their generation process as she tensed up.

Moments later, they shattered.

"You can't hit me…" Albus teased again, teleporting next to her. She ducked again.

Bang!

The shot went straight over her, because he didn't predict her reading his movements.

"Igni-"

Shi~ng!

"Gfuaa~h!"

Albus flew back, smacked by the broadside of Youmu's Roukanken.

"I'm through playing nice." Youmu frowned. "I'm sorry, Yuyuko-sama…"

Albus arched back, again. "Ha~hahahaha! Face it…"

He teleported again. "You can't hit me." He says, despite literally _just_ being hit.

"Hell Realm Sword, Two Hundred Yojana in a Flash." Youmu solemnly announces her spell card.

I think it's time for me to go hide!

Despite me being at least fifty feet away, I dash for the alleyways, and slowly begin making my way towards the village walls…

…

"Guwwaaa~h!"

I heard Albus yell.

…

"Maaa~tt!"

And that was Youmu. She sounded slightly irritated.

Well, that was a fun experience. I think I'll just go run a marathon out of here, before Youmu inevitably sweeps the entire village trying to find me.

/ / / / GLYPH IN BULLET! / / / /

It took an incredibly tedious and uneventful walk from one of the far sides of the village to reach the Hakurei Shrine's steps. Now, the question is, do I wish to climb Hell's stairs to relax, or do I want to press forward to be tasked with scaling the walls?

Everything was also covered in two feet of snow, so navigation was a curious procedure. On the upside, stabbing the snow was actually viable when one had fire scissors.

I think I'll stop by the shrine, even if the stairs are a tragedy in and of themselves.

A grueling, icy climb was my staircase experience. I solved the icy part with taps of my flame scissors, and that somewhat alleviated the fact it was a huge climb, since I stopped every step or so to essentially inflict violence on the snow and ice.

At least the path at the top was clear, for some reason. It was in a suspicious cylindrical shape.

I slid the door open. "Miko baby, do something about all that damn ice outside."

Reimu and Suika tiredly looked up from the kotatsu.

"...And build an escalator while you're at it." I add as an afterthought.

"A whaa~?" Suika slurs.

"An automatic staircase for the lethargic, like me." I elaborate.

"Pfft..." Suika waves me off. "Those stairs're nothin'. Y'should try the caves'a Hell, 're that mountain, with the tengus!"

"Yeah, sounds nice. Hey, what're we having for dinner?" I ask her.

Suika slowly opens and closes her mouth.

I continue my totally funny joke. "Snow? Mmm mmm. My favorite."

Reimu actually pays attention to me, now. "Will you be quiet? I'm trying to relax, and it's cold."

"No." I protest. "I came all the way over here, to visit you, and this is how you repay me?"

Reimu stares at me, bored.

"I'm starting to think you don't like me." I fold my arms.

...She flops against the floor. "Gee, what would ever give you _that_ impression?"

"From how much of an unsympathetic moron you are." I begin walking towards the kitchen. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I shall raid your kitchen."

Before she can answer, I walk into the kitchen. It turns out to be a rather boring-looking place.

I slide open a drawer, only to find nothing inside it.

That's great.

Reimu walks in right after I close it. "I happen to need whatever's actually in these shelves."

I turn to her. "Should I try your room, then?"

"Only if you hate living." Reimu counters.

I clap my hands together. "Let's see what's in there, then!"

As I begin to advance, her gohei meets my forehead.

Whack!

...Ouch.

"No means no." Reimu affirms.

"This is domestic violence." I inform her. "It happens to be illegal."

"I happen to be the law." Reimu declares.

I shake my head. Reimu is simply no fun.

...I move past her and into the main room, where Suika still numbly sat at the kotatsu.

"That's it." I decide. "Time to pick up the kotatsu, and haul it out."

I lift it from Suika, who doesn't react at all.

Reimu, however, widens her eyes once she enters the room. "H-hey! What do you think you're doing!?"

"Making a one way escalator." I answer. "Kotatsu express!"

I run for the door, but before I reach it a Yin-Yang orb shoots in front of me, and lightly smacks into me.

It was still enough to send me to the floor, though, the kotatsu clattering to the floor next to me.

...Reimu walked up to me. "Honestly."

She picked up her kotatsu, carried it back to its rightful place, plopped it down, and sat in it.

...I rose from the floor. "Most unfortunate."

"Boo hoo. You have to walk _down_ stairs." Reimu mocks. "What a tragedy."

"If we're going to talk tragedies," I begin, "We're gonna have to talk about your bust size."

/ / / / YOU CAN'T HIT ME / / / /

...I crawled from a snow bank, just to the right of the steps. I managed to slide down the entire hill's snowy side with both my stomach and my face!

By the way, _ouch_.

It seems the Hakurei miko is no stranger to corporal punishment.

I stood again, dusting myself off.

It's gonna be a _long_ way to the mansion...

/ / / / I SAID YOU CAN'T HIT ME / / / /

I went into the snow banks a boy.

And then I came out a man.

Also almost an amputee, but that's beside the point.

The long trek from the lakeside to the manor was only exponentially increased by the huge sea of snow between me and my objective. I did, however, sort of cheat by scaling the lakeside where most of the snow had run off into the water, though. Work smarter, not harder.

Burning the occasional tree also helped to stay warm. The snow pretty much shut down any infernos that could've spread afterwards.

The worst part about the whole thing, though, was not the biting, numbing cold- it was the fact that there were fluffles burrowing in the top layers of the snow, for whatever reason.

They told me they were soft, and warm to the touch.

Blatant lies.

I now walk towards the Scarlet Devil Mansion's gates, ready to argue my way in with the gatekeeper herself…

Meiling's eyes meet mine as I approach.

"... Hey, how's the weather?" I wave.

"Cold." Meiling monotones.

"Me too!" I nod enthusiastically. "...So can I come in?"

"Never." Meiling stares me down. "Not unless you have business with the mistress herself. Visitors are only allowed at night, as well."

"You know you don't adhere to that." I attempt to negotiate.

"You're right. I should be letting you in when night comes. Instead, I'm simply letting you in never." Meiling coldly waves me off. "Go weasel your way into other places. There's nothing for you, here."

I think otherwise.

...There's not much I can do right now, though. "Okay. I won't bother you anymore."

Yeah, that sounded totally fake, but it gets the job done.

Meiling skeptically watches me as I turn around and start heading back.

...Until I reach the lake.

Here we go again. Except, this time, I'm not navigating to the secret basement of blood draining. Court is fun and all, but I think they'd just go "screw it" and hang me if there was a second case.

I start a genocide with the snow, gradually slashing away at it and watching it melt away as it lit on fire from the fire scissor's effects. I'd like to know how snow can burn, but that's probably a lecture I could save for later.

...In my travels, I encounter a fluffle burrowing in the snow, again.

"im soft, and warm to the touch" it informs me.

Do I choose to believe it? Not even for a second.

I stab it.

Fwoom.

"Waaaa~l!" It digs into the snow, and hides.

I slash at the snow, but there's nothing but tunnels in it.

Freaking tiny snow moles.

I have no real way to track my progress other than the trees. And, in case one may not have noticed, the trees _suck_ as distinguishable landmarks.

...However, I eventually find something interesting that isn't a fluffle or otherwise.

It's a strange pod, of some description. The outside appears to be some sort of nut-esque shell.

I'm apprehensive about it, so I stab it.

It lights on fire.

I step back, in case the nut oils in it make it explode violently or something.

It does indeed burst open, but what I did not expect was a swarm of angry cicadas to take to the winter sky, flaming all the way.

They loudly filled the entire perimeter of the manor with obnoxious noise, forcing me to cringe a bit from the volume and screechiness.

Egh…

I backpedal, and I bump into something.

What?

I turn around and Meiling.

"...What do you think you're doing?" She smugly grins at me.

"Smashing cicada hives." I argue. "It's a sport from the old country."

She nods. "That's cool. I placed those."

Oh. Shit.

"...Cicadas don't make hives, by the way." Meiling adds offhandedly. "I would have had different traps, but the snow made me improvise."

"Oh. Very nice. How smart of you…" I slowly edge around her, which turns out to not be totally subtle.

She grabs me by the shoulders. "Allow me to escort you to the proper other direction. You know, the one that leads _away_ from the manor."

...I grin sheepishly. "Please be gentle. It's my first time."

/ / / / hyaAaAaAaAaAa~! / / / /

After Meiling lifted me up and spun me around in the way that Mario might spin around Bowser before chucking him into oblivion, Meiling followed through and chucked me into oblivion. Luckily, there is snow everywhere, and I landed in it. The bad part is that it was cold, inside a crater of snow and all, and very claustrophobic.

This would normally be a very bad situation, but I still had my flame scissors, so the snow was no match for my capacity to flail wildly.

In moments, I find the lake, which I had landed near, and just retraced my steps around the perimeter…

I guess I'll go back to the shrine and drown my sorrows in tea. And snow.

Iced tea, preferably. There's probably no shortage of that.

My walk goes far easier, because there's no snow in the way once I scale the lakeside. Which is good, because I'm about ten thousand percent more sore now than I was earlier. Falling cannonball-style into a bed of snow is debatably non-lethal, but still painful enough that you'd be able to go the rest of your life without doing it again and not feel remiss.

There is, however, these stairs. I almost wish Youmu didn't turn Albus into a fine red mist, so that he could show me some completely unnecessary and convoluted way to climb stairs, preferably by spin-kicking up the whole way.

Or, you know, teleport up them and laugh at me as I climbed. Nevermind.

I reach the top, and stumble to the shrine doors…

Sliding them open, I greet the family! "Honey, I'm home again."

Reimu looked up from the kotatsu, expression unreadable. "Welcome. I take it you've worked out all that excess energy, now?"

I nod. "I just got fired from work today."

"I highly doubt you even work." Reimu dryly stared at me.

"I think I'm going to need a board to beat somebody's head in." I inform her. By that, I mean I have an idea to get inside the mansion.

"I think I'm going to need a board to beat _your_ head in." Reimu spoke neutrally.

I smirk, moving to sit at the kotatsu. "Great. That means you can find one for me, too."

Reimu snorted.

…

That de-escalated quickly.

"...So, where're the boards?" I ask her. "Or are we going to have to use that log over there?"

...Suika's snoring is heard over the silence.

"Good luck." Reimu informs me. "By all means, take her with you."

I move to lift Suika.

…

And Suika doesn't move to let me lift her. Well, then.

I try getting a better angle, moving around her, but she doesn't even budge..

"...Guess I gotta use the boards in the walls instead." I shrug.

"Then you will be the boards in the walls." Reimu annotates my idea.

"I'm sure you'd fit be-ee~..." I trail off, noticing Reimu slowly begin to stand… "Fit to be a person who places wall… components. Yes."

...Reimu fidgets a bit, then sits back down.

Crisis averted.

"...Do you actually have any boards?" I ask her.

"There's some spare plywood out back." Reimu tells me. "It's probably all snowed in, though. I don't really need it anymore, anyway. I could just have the fairies make more."

Huh. Okay, then.

It is now time to plunder some wood.

I stand up and walk towards the back door. I open it and snow.

Poof.

...I crawl out of it.

"It makes good insulation." Reimu looks on the bright side.

Of course it does.

I begin stabbing the snow, licks of flames running up the ice through each stab and slash.

Reimu eventually looks over at the ordeal. "Hey hey hey, what's with the flames?"

"Burning." I elaborate.

"Open flames and shrine walls don't mix." Reimu explains. "I learned that the hard way, not that there was any way it could be avoided."

That's a rather dismal look on domestic infernos.

I continue attacking the snow, and I eventually break through to the layers outside the wall.

Reimu watches me, somewhat anxious. Probably watching to make sure I don't light anything material on fire.

Though, it's rather unlikely that I might ignite the walls now, given that I've already dug an adequate distance away from them.

I eventually strike something hard, and it lights up.

...That's probably the boards. Yeah, I can see the plywood texture.

I quickly grab some snow with my hands, and dump it on the flames. It's times like these that I really wish I had gloves of some sort…

Precarious efforts yield some semi-snowy boards, one of which has a char mark on it. I take said burned board.

Pulling it along, I pass Reimu and the sleeping oni. "I'm going to go hand in a resume, for my new job."

Reimu snorts. "Yeah, good luck with that. Hey hey, close that door…"

...She gestures to the back door, which I had left open.

Apparently lacks the energy to close a door, but has enough energy to send me on a one way slide down the hillside. Sounds like me, when I lived back home.

After awkwardly setting the board down and closing the door to avert the wrath of an angry miko, I proceed out the front door, remembering to close it, and head for- ...hmm.

Do I slide down the stairs, or down the snow?

...I suppose the snow. Spine-snapping action would be something I'd rather not have on my action figure box. At least, not if I was the one getting my spine snapped.

I sit the board down on the start of the decline and crawl onto it; then, as it begins accelerating, I position myself so that if this goes wrong I don't sink six feet under.

My ride down the hill could be described as brief. I took in the surrounding forests as I accelerated, until I reached the bottom, and slid into the path I dug out.

Thud.

...Well, that was fun.

I get off the board, and lift it up.

Now to make the long walk back to the manor…

/ / / / PLEASE OBSERVE / / / /

With my pink scissors on hand, and board of singed plywood being dragged along by my other, I near the manor's gate with a plan.

Meiling's eyes lock on me again.

I grin, and speed up my pace. I'd run towards her, but giant boards of plywood happen to be pretty unwieldy.

She folds her arms as I somewhat near her…

This plan I had refined with some minor experimentation in the snow next to the lake.

I toss the pink scissors behind me, and hold the board in the way. Now the tricky part is getting it at an angle that propels me up…

I power-walk towards her with a stint in my stride, consciously trying to get a good angle as I move towards her.

Meiling blinks at my strange movements.

Thunk!

"Woo-wooaa~h!" I allow myself to exclaim as the board begins to push me along. I push back, and end up on top of the scissors somewhat. I begin ascending at an angle.

Meiling's eyes widen as I hover upwards towards the top of the wall.

Wait- woah!

Woah, what-

Thunk!

The board strikes the tip of the wall after doing a three-sixty in the air, disorienting me. I clumsily latch onto the wall, grabbing the shafts of the spikes at the top to hold on. The board pushes against me a bit, but then the board itself slides out. The scissors slide onto the brick under me.

"W-what the hell!?" Meiling shields herself as the board falls towards her-

Bam!

...That stance was not shielding; it was getting ready to punch the board into many tiny splinters.

I stand, clambering over the small spikes. "See you later, rent-a-cop!"

Meiling's gaze jerks towards me.

I glance down, and leap off on impulse, ready to get my ass kicked by the bushes below.

Fwish!

…

Bushes are not snow. They hurt.

I don't have much time to mentally whine about the pain of falling into jagged, ice-cold branches, however. I get up and sprint towards the door- as fast as I could sprint like this, anyway.

As I close the front door, I hear the front gate clatter open.

Inside, a myriad of fairy maids fill the lobby. Only a few actually bothered to glance at me, before resuming their socialization.

I remember the lobby being empty, for some reason. It must be fairy hour, or something.

I sprint towards a deviating hallway, look around wildly, and pick the third door I find.

Upon slamming it shut, I look around…

"Yellow-chan…"

I see two fairy maids idly standing in a long room that has at least eight or ten beds.

"Yeah, Maple-chan?" The very creatively named Yellow-chan addresses the brown-haired Maple-chan.

"Do you ever wonder why we're here?"

...Yellow-chan shook her head. "No."

"Like, do you think we're _supposed_ to be here?" Maple-chan took a guess. "Like… right now?"

Yellow-chan turned to her. "No. We're supposed to be scrubbing the curtains, or something."

I don't think you scrub curtains.

I also think I'm done here.

I move to the door, and it opens in front of me. A tall, black-haired fairy maid stomps in. "Hey, asshats! Are you in here!?"

…Her eyes run over me, and then the other two fairies.

Maple-chan walks towards her. "Hey, Komi-chan… Do you ever wonder why we're here?"

Komi groans. "Look, Maple. You asked me that yesterday… you asked me that the last ten fucking days, and you asked me the last ten fucking days before those! And my answer has always been… no! I don't care! I couldn't give any less of a shit!"

…

"...Okay." Maple looks crestfallen.

With that, the maid named Komi storms out of the room.

This place is a freak show.

I move to the door, and peek out. I don't _see_ Meiling anywhere…

I also seem to have forgotten why I am here. It seems some exploration is in order.

Moving at a relaxed pace, I begin strolling down the entry halls…

A fairy maid walks up to me. "Hey, you! My legs're gone!"

...I look down, and she seems to be mistaken.

"...I could make them gone for you, if you want." I tell her.

She double-takes. "What!? But- they're gone! Ugh…" She shakes her head, stomping away.

Interesting fellow.

The deeper I traverse into the halls, the lower the density of fairies becomes. I've even made sure to only take a few turns, as well, but every hall almost seems like it has no end in sight.

A door slams open on the opposite side of the hall.

"That motherfucker!"

I had thought beings called fairies might have been a little more innocent than this.

An orange-haired fairy maid stomped from the room, accompanied by a blue-haired one.

"U-uhm, I'm sure he had… a very good reason to-"

"Shut." The somewhat-short, angry fairy whirled around to face the blue-haired one. "Can you tell me the last time a fairy died from hippo-thermis-whatever!?"

The blue-haired fairy went silent.

Hippo-thermis, the worst thing to die to. Considering the name, I might agree.

"Exactly. C'mon, we're gonna see that bookworm." She beckoned the quiet maid as she stomped down the hall.

Speaking of stomping, I noticed someone else stomping down the halls. More like running with intense power.

It was Meiling. She was looking pretty pissed.

"Stop him!" Meiling pointed at me. The nearby fairy maids paused.

It is time to hide in a room! Quickly!

I swing open a door, and race inside.

I end up back out in the hallway, a few doors down. Now is not the time for doors to be portals to short distances!

Running for the door across the hall, I swing it open and dash in just as Meiling catches up to me.

...I seem to be another five doors down. Meiling dashed in, and ended up five doors down in a different direction.

The two fairies from earlier didn't actually bother to do anything, moving to the far side of the hall and just observing.

Meiling runs for me, and I retreat back into the door.

I pop out the door Meiling came out of. As she dashes into the door I retreated into, I dash into the one across from me.

The door I emerge from is right across from the door Meiling emerges from.

"...Hello!" I yelp, before withdrawing back into the door, with Meiling leaping into it after me.

I emerge from a door, and the door next to me opens. I ready to leap back in, but what emerged was not Meiling. It was some sort of multi-trayed, rack thing with fluffles sitting on the bottom two layers and an orange wig and Meiling's hat situated on the top one.

Fwoom!

It also had a flamethrower on the top. The actual Meiling emerged from a door a few spaces behind it.

The not-Meiling turned towards me, flames flowing from the top of it. The actual Meiling paused, processing the existence of the mech.

I backpedaled, and took a door to my left.

On emergence, two more doors open. Meiling steps out of one across from me, and next to me…

Brad steps out, and freezes. "Woah- shit! What the hell!?"

He looks around, and notices the fluffle mech.

"Nope, fuck that." He shakes his head, and throws himself back into the door.

I back into my own door, shutting it as I watch Meiling run towards me. I look around to see Meiling open the door I just backed into.

"Aaaa~h!" A scream comes from the door.

"...S-sorry!" Meiling shuts the door.

Bam!

The ceiling breaks open, and Flandre falls from it, holding a plate of spikes. She's wearing a little hard hat.

"It has all gone wro~ng!" She declares as she lands on the fluffle mech, crushing it.

"Waaa~l!"

Meiling blinks. "F-Flandre?"

I would like to know just what the hell is going on.

"Meiling! I accidentally broke the upstairs bathroom!" Flandre informs her. "I-I was placing the spikes, and then the TNT went off, and- yeah…"

...You said 'bathroom', right?

"U-uhm…" Meiling scratched her head. "I'll check it out later, Flan-chan."

Flan-chan.

I think I'll take this opportunity to skedaddle. The doors seem to be nothing but Scooby Doo death traps.

Half-heartedly dashing down the cold- yet still considerably warmer than the outside- halls, I come to a double door. Considering there's a sudden clearing here where the walls expand, and a rather fancy double-door, I think this might indicate significance.

I move up to the door and reach for the handle.

Pi~ng!

It's locked, apparently. Very locked.

I, however, have a solution to very locked things.

I backtrack just a little to a couch that I had passed. I jump onto it, and throw the pink scissors behind it.

...The couch begins sliding, and speeds towards the door at a considerable speed.

Onward!

I do, however, duck under the couch arm when we near the door. Becoming a victim to blunt trauma is not on the agenda for today.

Bam!

The library's doors are swung open, the seal shimmering lightly post-violation.

Looking up from the couch arm, I let the couch carry me further into the library. It is a trusty steed!

/ / / / CRESCENT MOON / / / /

It takes a minute for it to crash into a bookshelf. Books fall from above, and I shield myself. The shelf rocks back and forth from the blow, but thankfully doesn't fall. Disaster dominoes would've been an understatement.

As I climb off the couch and let books fall from myself, I notice Patchouli looking up at me from a nearby study.

"...Could I help you?" She raises a brow. "Or, rather, could I ask you the logic of nearly destroying one of my shelves?"

I nod. "I am in need of a frostfire enchantment for a pair of scissors."

Patchouli tilts her head. "...I don't primarily dabble in ice. If I put forth effort into such an endeavor, maybe… but I am busy."

She looks down at a book she's reading.

Of course she is.

"I would like to request a shadowflame enchantment, then." I press.

She glances up at me, appearing slightly more irritated. "I don't often bother with outright dark elemental magic, due to the risks and drawbacks associated with such endeavors. You'll have to find someone who specializes in the art. Busy."

I see. "In that case, I would like a voidblaze enchantment."

She glances at me from her book again. "Are you just making things up, now?"

"That's what you think." I smugly counter.

"..." Her gaze narrows, and she doesn't comment further.

Hmm.

I take out my fire scissors, and set them on the table.

"What can you do with this, then?" I propose to her.

...She holds it up, and stares at it closely. "Give me a moment."

She waves her hand over it, and it glows faintly orange for a moment. She sets it back down on the table, close to me.

"It is done." Patchouli returned to her book.

I grab it, and take a few quick practice swings at the air. It… doesn't feel any different.

"What did you add?" I ask her.

"The ability to feel comfortable around any fire." Patchouli informs me.

…

That's it? Seriously?

"...Can you not manage a heftier enchantment? Binded spell, at least?" I ask of her.

Patchouli sighs. "It is a matter of what I'm willing to do. I _happen_ to be more into research than charity at the moment. You demanded something of me while I was busy, so I gave something that befitted such a setting- a simple parlor trick."

Genuinely. "Honestly, it shouldn't be hard to simply pull one of those many cursed tomes I'm _sure_ are in your repertoire and simply expose its magic to the scissors." I tell her quite frankly.

...Patchouli glares up at me. "You speak as if it worked like that."

I nod. "Does it not?"

"Why don't you find out?" She looks at her book again, frowning. "Please, tell me. Go ahead, dig through as many tomes as possible. What you find inside might surprise you."

I fold my arms. "What is the ratio of cursed to uncursed books? I'd likely be digging through them all, so I'd at least like to know beforehand how long I'd have to dig."

She spoke louder this time. "Do you _truly_ not know how to even detect such things?"

I roll my eyes. "Am I supposed to?"

…

Patchouli flips a page. I stand there, waiting for a response.

…

"Answer me." I demand.

"You are in no position to talk down to me, if you cannot fathom a concept as simple as curse recognition. Provided, every book with a curse on it will have a varied level of concealment, how you speak implies to me you have no experience at all with the practice."

"How am I supposed to know if no one is even going to teach me?" I raise my voice. "It's not like I can just pick up a book, read Japanese, and go 'oo~h, I can cast pretty magic now'!"

"No one was there to teach me." Patchouli counters. "No one was even there to _believe_ me. Barring the residents of this manor, I have every suspicion to believe magic _dead_ on the outside, yet, here I am. The only reason I could be here is because there _is_ an inkling, a smidgen of magical documentation and practice that still persisted in the outside at the time I was present. I know not what it's like now, and I admit that coming across the resources necessary is an entirely luck-based and difficult endeavor, but I still managed."

She flipped a page.

"Do not voice your frustrations with me. If you wish to learn, I may lend a voice, but only when it is convenient to me. By that, I mean not now."

…

What a _bitch_.

I hold my glare towards her, but she doesn't bother to acknowledge me.

"Whatever." I dismiss her, walking off. What a waste of time.

As I begin to depart, I notice Koakuma strutting towards the clearing with a big stack of books.

She lets out a breath she was holding as she plops the large stack of books down on the table, shaking it. "...You know, if you read too much, your eyeballs will fall out."

"Mmm." Patchouli ignores her, turning the page of her current tome.

...Koakuma nods, and begins walking away, passing me.

She pauses, turning to me. "Hey, it's… what's your face." Koakuma greets me.

"Don't worry; her eyeballs roll into the back of her head too much, as all she can see is herself." I grin smugly, watching Koakuma's face.

"Pfft." She grins. "Ri~ght?"

I think I like her already. Well, I did like her because she was a succubus, but I think I like her for more tangible reasons now… like being a succubus.

The only bad part is that if I boned her, she'd consume my soul. I'd like to say I don't even have one, but I don't want to take that chance.

"You two are trying my patience." Patchouli announces. "If you are to speak behind my back, at least do it somewhere less distracting."

"Come on, now…" I begin. "You've been sitting here for literally around one hundred years now. I think you're patient enough."

Koakuma snorts.

"Wood Sign," Patchouli had had enough. "Sylphae Horn."

A line of glowing, danmaku trees sprouted on the top of the shelf farthest from us.

Koakuma begins backpedalling. "Hey, hey, hey… There's, uh, no need to get rough, Patchouli-sama…"

I fold my arms… and backpedal with her. "What will trees do? Get leaves all over us?"

I wasn't _exactly_ wrong.

Leaves began flowing down from the trees, not exactly aimed at us, but an invisible wind pushed large clusters of them towards us.

They're also danmaku leaves, so that means they hurt. My question is if they act like normal leaves…

I swing at one that nears with my fire scissors as I retreat. Flames engulf it, but it dissipates, and the flames extinguish in the air without anything to burn.

They are not normal leaves, then.

I turn and see that Koakuma has bolted down the aisle, and I run after her.

…

W-well, I say run, but I am not very much of a jogger…

She rounds a corner, and after a few moments, I round it as well. The leaves don't follow us here, and after flowing into the wall near us, ceased coming at us at all.

"...Ha~h." Koakuma sighed. "What crawled up her ass and died?"

I'd snark, but I'm too busy not dying after that sprint I had to do to evade the falling leaves.

After a few moments of catching our breath, I turn to her. "Well, my _original_ inquiry was about equipment."

"Didn't go so well, huh?" Koakuma guessed.

"Indeed."

…

"What'd you even ask for?" Koakuma stood, as did I.

"Enchanted scissors." I inform her.

She blinks. "...Oddly specific. You said equipment, right?"

I nod. "Don't ask."

Koakuma nods slowly. "...Why~ do you need _enchanted_ scissors?"

"Reasons." I explain thoroughly.

She continues nodding. "M'kay… Well-... that reminds me of something, actually."

I focus on her.

She reaches around in her pockets. "Did I leave it on this pair…?"

…

"Ah." She pulls out a sleek, black pair of scissors. "These things."

"Those things." I stare at them curiously.

"Yeah. These things." Koakuma twirls them around. "I don't even need them anymore, but I hold onto a lot of crap."

That explains many things. By which, I mean I still know nothing about them.

…

She notices me staring at them. "...I _guess_ I could give them to you."

I know the game she's playing…

"...But." She holds up a finger. "Only if you do something for me, first."

"No, I won't give you my body." I regretfully inform her.

She blinks. "...Not what I was gonna- well, not _necessarily_ what I was gonna ask, but…"

You lie.

She brings a hand to her chin. "...Potion testing?" She grins.

I shake my head. "I'd rather not die by ingesting the inevitable biohazards."

She resumes thinking. "Hmm… Chores?"

I slowly shake my head. "Not particularly interesting."

"Do you want the damn scissors or not?" Koakuma props her hands on her hips.

I fold my arms. "What do they do?"

"Well, they're basically training wheels, in a way." She explains, "Us succubi, back in Makai, typically had enchanted objects to help us manage before we developed certain talents that were expected of us. You usually got them through… various means, and could give them away for equally varied reasons."

I nod. "That very much explains to me what they do. I'm glad I asked."

She rolls her eyes. "I was _getting_ to that. Basically, they allow you to do a quick dash, horizontally. Like this."

In a blur, she slides backwards, the only sound produced that of her clothes hitting the air..

"You can do it back and forth," Woosh, woosh. "Side to side," Woosh, woosh. "...But not up and down. It's all about… it's hard to explain." She pauses. "I suppose that's why it's a succubus talent, hmm?"

"Shouldn't a succubus know?" I press.

"Hey, do you know who invented fire?" Koakuma asks me, then answers for me before I can say anything. "No? Isn't that too bad. Shouldn't a human know?"

She's as sassy as I am. How lovable.

"You were the one complaining about me explaining too much shit." Koakuma argues.

In any case…

"What do I do for them?" I inquire, again.

She stares at me dryly. "Straightforward, aren't you? Hmm…"

A book on the shelf slides out between us, and falls onto the floor.

I look at the hole, and a fluffle sticks its little head out.

"one lake bonus" It tells me.

I take out some steel scissors, and jab them in its face.

"help" It monotones.

I jab it in and out multiple times, mixing the face, until the fluffle itself breaks down into dust.

…

Another fluffle sticks its head out from the same hole. "icecube multiplier"

I snip the head off, and both the body and head break into dust.

…

Another fluffle sticks its head out. "earthquake warning"

Koakuma picks up the book, and shoves it back in place, concealing the fluffle.

"clear drain bonus" We hear its muffled declaration from outside the shelf.

"We have dust friends." Koakuma irritably remarks. "Little dust mite bastards."

"I can, infact, slay the dust mite bastards." I tell her.

Koakuma nods. "You know what? Sure. I'll watch you, somewhat. Kinda." She waves me off. "Now, go on."

I walk forward only to realize I don't see many nearby.

I turn to her. "Where might I find the most of them?"

"Oh, trust me. You'll find them." Koakuma waves again.

I'll take her word for it, I suppose.

I decide to walk forth, taking a few random turns and twists, moving deeper into the library, looking behind me now and again to make sure Koakuma is loosely following me.

I eventually do find a few fluffles. They're sitting on the floor, picking up tufts of some sort of grey dust and dropping them, repeatedly.

"im jimmy hendrix" One of them introduces itself to me, not even looking at me.

Yeah, okay.

Eagerly, I strut up to it and stomp on it. It just looks up at me with that unwavering smile on its face. "hi friend"

...So, I forcefully grab onto its head and tear it right off.

It disintegrated into a small pile of dust. Its friends… don't even react. They just continue lifting and dropping the dust absentmindedly.

I stomp on the next one, and the next one…

The last one stands up. "Waaa~l!"

I stomp on that one too.

…

"Waaa~l!"

I hear another fluffle call from the left.

"Waaaa~l!"

And the right.

"Waaa~l!"

That one came from one of the upper levels.

"Waaaaa~l!"

Holy shit.

...I don't even have to move, and a few fluffles come out from around the corners of the aisle. A few carry cartoonishly large bombs, and others seem to have little bow and arrows.

I take a deep breath. "You're gonna die for that."

…

The fluffles aim their little bows, and I begin running towards the line directly ahead of me, weaving to the right.

The arrows move slowly in directions I was many moments ago, and I eventually reach them. I rip the blade up one's face, and I bisect the torso of the other archer.

The bomb carrier tosses the bomb at me, and it bounces off my chest.

…

I pick up the bomb, and throw it back.

The fluffle catches it.

"please no" It stares at the bomb.

Bam.

...It wasn't even loud. It just kind of happened. The fluffle was gone, though.

From around the shelves that surrounded me, a myriad of fluffles carrying large bombs came out.

"Waaaa~l!" One wailed, suited up in some tiny brown armor.

They all threw their bombs towards me at once, and I deflected the few that came for my face.

...I just ran out of the radius, and waited for them to explode.

Boom!

The collective noise was loud. A few fluffles were lost in the blasts.

...The remaining ones pulled new bombs out of nowhere.

I moved out of the way of those ones as they were thrown at me. They, too, exploded nowhere near me.

I pull out my second pair of steel scissors, and charge at the remaining fluffles, dodging their bombs every now and again. With a smirk, I viciously rip and tear into them, leaving them dismembered or hopelessly mutilated.

"Waaa~l!"

Overhead, oversized fluffles flapped their fins, carrying in fluffles in green armor. They dropped them in from the sky, and they landed.

Thud, thud, thud.

Three suited fluffles stood before me, holding oversized broadswords.

They cautiously approached me, holding their broadswords behind them with a single fin… somehow.

They all paused, and I backed up.

"...Waal!" They all exclaimed at once, and then all did an overhead slash at once.

Okay.

...I took the broadsword from the fin of the middle one and clubbed it over the head with it, crushing it. After I killed it, the broadsword turned into dust.

The other two brought their swords back. I walked up to one and stabbed it in the face, killing it.

"Waal!"

The other one tried a jab, but I walked out of the way. I finished it with a stab.

"Waaa~l!" It wailed. Unlike the others, it stepped back and put its open fin on its face, and held up its sword.

Shi~ng!

The fluffle fell apart into dust, and the armor fell apart… but the sword remained floating. Half of the sword fell off and became dust, while the other half floated in the air.

What the hell?

As the sword floated towards me, I could make out the glowing shape of a fluffle still holding onto it. The sword spins through the air, and I duck under it. It whirls past me.

I'm not entirely certain how to attack something like that. I run up to it and stab at the fluffle image.

"Woh!"

...The sword clatters to the floor, and dissipates into dust, along with the fluffle.

Well, then. There seems to be no more competition.

...Koakuma struts over to me. "You killed about one percent of them. Good job."

How many of the bastards are there in here!?

Koakuma freezes, and we hear a sound.

Vrrrr!

"...Marisa?" I guess.

Koakuma shakes her head, and looks down one of the open aisles. I look down it as well…

There is a fluffle. It doesn't end there, though. There is a fluffle with a whirring mass of tomes behind it, floating through the air. The mass of tomes takes up the entire width of the aisle.

They all begin glowing.

Koakuma's pupils contract. "Oh, shit!"

She does that quick dash to slide out of the way, and I run to the side, exiting the aisle.

Vrrrr~!

A large, rainbow-colored laser is shot from the tomes.

...Koakuma dashes back over to me. "Now, that thing. That _fuck_ has been here for like, three days now, and Patchouli's not doing _shit_ about it. She's not even, like, telling anyone!"

Let me guess… "I'm supposed to somehow do something about it?"

"Yeah. I don't feel like fighting it, either." She shrugs. "Patchouli could, easily, but she's, you know, 'studying'..."

I move out to face the whirling mass of tomes.

Koakuma blinks. "Oh, you're actually…?"

I take a gaze at the incoming mass of tomes.

The fluffle in the center takes a gaze at me.

" _Waaaa~l!_ " Its wail is accented with an intense magical tone to it, sparks of raw mana shooting from it.

I backpedal a bit. The construct moves slowly, but gradually, so I'm pretty much going to be backpedaling the entire fight.

Three tomes leave the mass, and open up. The pages whirl rapidly, and those spectral fluffles wielding broadswords emerge, floating through the air.

Two are surrounded by a light blue barrier of some sort, encasing them strictly. I look up and notice two brightly glowing fluffles with equally bright tomes focusing on them.

With all this magic whirling about, I'm also reminded I've got spells I probably should use in a situation like this.

" _Waaa~l!_ "

The tomes glow red, and a series of fireballs is hurled into the air. Two strike the blue barriers and vanish, but the other three hit the floor before the monstrosity of literature.

I observe a spectral fluffle with a broadsword, the only one unguarded, near me, holding up its sword as if it was going to try to smack me with it like it was a flyswatter. It swings it down, and I simply grab it, ripping it from the specter's fin.

I then march towards the fluffle surrounded by tomes.

"Here!"

I chuck the blade in. It strikes the fluffle, but rebounds off it and clatters to the ground.

" _Waaa~l!_ "

The tomes glow blue, and suddenly torrents of water begin spraying out, soaking myself and the two specters present.

I'm not sure how specters get wet, but they were apparently dripping, even with those barriers active.

Speaking of barriers, I look up at the tome-toting fluffles.

"Gravity!" I beckon one downward.

Fwooaaa~h!

The orb of darkness envelopes it, and sends it to the ground. It lands somewhere atop a shelf, its tome clattering away from it.

The barrier on one specter fell. I immediately moved to it and grabbed the sword, and chucked it at the magical nightmare again.

It clattered off it again, but the fluffle was visibly affected by it. " _Waaa~l!_ "

The tomes begin glowing with rainbow energy…

I think it's time to hide!

I duck to the side of a nearby exit to escape the inevitable.

Vrrrrrr~!

The rainbow beam engulfs the entirety of the aisle I was once in.

…

Once it ends, I re-enter the aisle. There were no more assisting fluffles.

I raise my hand to the air, and throw it forward.

A different 'vrrr' sound fills the library- a sawblade falling from the sky and landing on the central fluffle in the horde of books.

" _Waa-waa-waa-...!_ "

The fluffle was eventually cleaved through.

Kaboo~m!

It then exploded. I was blown back by a large blast of raw, non-elemental magic, and slid across the carpet on my back.

That felt vaguely unpleasant.

…

As I stare at the ceiling, Koakuma walks over to me, and stares down. I can see up her skirt, and I don't think she cares.

"Well, you did more than I thought an outsider could. I would've just leapt at the fluffle and tore it apart from the get-go, but that's just me."

That's easy for you to say, with your likely high magical resistance and claw nails.

She leans over, and places the black scissors on my chest.

"...If you wanna fuck, just let me know." Koakuma adds, before floating away.

I like having my soul, thanks.

...As I stare at the ceiling, Yukari leans over me.

"Hello." I greet her.

Her skirt is too long to see up, in any way, shape, or form, sadly.

She frowns down at me. "That was quite a stunt you pulled, earlier today."

To be fair, I didn't expect that youkai exterminator to go apeshit.

"...Considering the only thing you killed was some fluffles, this time, I don't know whether it's a stroke of luck, or a change of heart." Yukari folds her arms.

Stroke of luck. Enough snow to fill a small ocean makes it hard to hunt anything. There's also that whole 'Yuyuko's going to insta-kill me if I kill another human' thing.

"In any case, your time here is over."

And so, I fall into a gap.

/ / / / HOLY CROSS / / / /

I sat at the kitchen table with Yuyuko and Youmu.

Youmu looked like she was going to shove her blade up my ass.

"I had Yukari bring that exterminator over…" Yuyuko started recounting her tale, eating some cake while she did so. "It didn't go so well."

Youmu blinked. "How come?"

"Well…" Yuyuko began thinking…

/ / / / FREAKIN GENSOKYO: YUYUKO SAIGYOUJI'S PERSPECTIVE / / / /

Yukari~... Where's the exterminato~r? I'm bo~red!

I'm just out here on the lawn, next to the stone path, waiting for Yukari to come along with this brand new, latest, greatest, exterminatorest exterminator.

His name was Joe… Canstanti? Candandi? I don't really remember…

It's also kinda bad, because the lawn is still ruined, right now. I don't want him to think the afterlife is all grey hills, and stuff…

Yukari opens a gap in front of me!

Barely able to contain myself, I let my arms raise…!

Yukari walks through!

Followed by~...!

Jo~e! Hello, Joe!

"Jo~e" I cheer!

Joe is a pale guy, with brown hair, and this grey, plastic-y suit on. He's got this bag thing, and some kinda gun…

His eyes widen, and lower.

Oh, my!

He then looks around.

"...What the _fuck_ , dude." He gaped, taking in his surroundings. "W-whuh- where…"

"Welcome." Yukari grinned smugly. "I wasn't lying, was I?"

He looks around at the nearby hills, still shocked. "Oh-oh my god…"

"Hello, Joe!" I greet him!

He then looks even lower, noticing my ghostly tail, and then he blinks. "...Where _am_ I?"

"Welcome to Hakugyokurou." I greet him.

He tilts his head. "Hakaku-what? Ooh…"

Yukari pulls some things from a gap she opens near herself. "Here. You'll need this," She takes out a large club, and puts it in his arms. "And this," Followed by a large bomb, "And this," And a toaster.

She pats him on the back. "Good luck."

"Th-this is so much to take in…!" His eyes are still wide. "Who… who are you?" He asks her.

"Samantha Roogle." Yukari answers.

He nods slowly. "...I-I don't know…"

"You are here to exterminate bugs, if I need to remind you." Yukari reintroduces why he's here.

"Bu-bugs? _Here?_ " He looks around. "How?"

Yukari giggles. "Fufufu… don't ask stupid questions. They are in the shrine ahead. Best of luck, sincerely."

With that, Yukari gaps herself away. I see her re-emerge on a nearby hill in the distance.

Joe gulps. "O-oh. O...kay…"

He walks up to the front steps, and takes a deep breath. "I-I don't know! This-this all seems like… so much, but… I-I think I can do it!"

I beam. "Good luck, Joe! You can do it!"

He moves to the door, taking a moment to notice that it's a Japanese sliding door, and opens it.

Boom!

"Aae!" I yelp!

Joe is gone, a cloud of smoke billowing out of the front door.

Gingerly floating towards it, I lean around the corner. Yukari leans around the corner with me, hanging from a gap. I see a fluffle sitting atop an oversized cannon.

"for the glory of nuggets"

Jo~e! Nooo~!

/ / / / FREAKIN GENSOKYO: MATT'S PERSPECTIVE / / / /

…

"I don't think I'll be using the yellow pages again." Yuyuko states and smiles.

I assume it went poorly.

/ / / / FREAKIN GENSOKYO / / / /

CHAPTER 34.5 END

PROTAGONIST: Matthew, the Debatably Sane Outsider, Lord of Edges, Scissor-Slinging Slasher

PRIMARY WEAPON: Bloodied Steel Scissors - Stained lightly with fresh blood from a young human female. Sharp, shiny-ish, and to the point!

INVENTORY:

Steel scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Quick Scissorang - Non-elemental scissors that are enchanted to return to the owner with ferocity. Not that powerful of a weapon, but combined with strong string it can be used like a powerful grappling hook. Looks like it belongs in a Barbie catalog.

Flame Scissors - Fire-elemental scissors that have an incendiary effect on strike. Boosts fire magic and abilities, as if I had any. Enchanted to grant 20% fire resistance, and reduce discomfort near fire.

Sleek Black Scissors - Succubus training tool. Allows for horizontal quick-dashes, for dodging and agility purposes. Doubles as scissors for kinky, cloth-cutting occasions. Or stabbing.

Steel-alloy String - An experimental item provided by Alice as part of her testing. She uses these herself to manage her dolls, or so I'm told.

A Tuft of Cloth Strings - Pink, regular cotton string. It's soft, and clean.

A Fluffy Hooligan - Soft, and warm to the touch. Ech!

Book of Rebomb - Teaches basic and advanced bomb magic. Written in some fantastical language, so I can't read it.

(1 more empty space)

PARTY:

Rebomb Fluffle - Soft, and warm to the touch. Ech! Has a gag on to keep it from casting Rebomb over and over again, which would be a very bad time.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Rebomb - Advanced bomb spell that blows up the nearby vicinity with random bombs. Very random damage.

INVENTORY:

Finsticuffs.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

WOW THIS TOOK FOREVER

rewrote scene with yuyuko at the end to make it less cancer

anyway

this chapter took a session of congress to make any substantial progress; well more like HAD ONE in any case

as always, see you all next time!

also albus totally isn't a blatant character adaptation from Castlevania: Order Of Ecclesia, noep (by that i mean he is and he belongs to his respective owners etc)

yeah he's pretty cool- you don't need to know anything about that to appreciate his insanity, though; and this version's not totally faithful, either, as far as personality is concerned

as always, see you all next time!

CO-AUTHOR'S NOTE:

progress was actually made this chapter instead of just completely screwing around, which is fun

we actually have a direction we're taking this this time instead of just doing what comes to mind. mainly because i had a few things planned that couldn't make it in. i blame the length i stayed in the library due to fluffle shenanigans, which was much longer than anticipated

no one has died recently, well aint dat a hoot. don't worry though, yo, because i know what i'mma do next. fun times ahead


	42. Search And Destroy: Idiots Edition

(in which we have a drink with a crazed gunma-... youkai exterminator)

I land outside Alice's house, which has been neatly cleaned of snow to produce a perfect circle around the house. Even the finer bits on the grass are all clear, something of which I have no idea how she could've done. Maybe fire magic of some sort…?

Looking along the snow walling, I notice a fluffle who burrowed into the snow. His home was exposed, the tunnel upwards and small inner cave it dug apparently cleanly bisected. The fluffle still acted like it was a tunnel, for some reason, though, and hid in the inner alcove bit.

"You're a snow fluffle." I tell it.

"honh" It looks at me.

How cuddly.

I move up to Alice's door…

Knock, knock. I give a polite knock this time…

The door swings open.

"Hello?" It's Alice!

"Hello, friend." I wave to her. "I'm here to sell you my wares."

She stares at me dryly. "Really, now…?"

I nod. "Yeah, yo. Hold on just a second…"

Running off the porch, I dash at the snow fluffle!

I take it from its home.

"friend no" It wants to snuggle…!

That exchange said and done, I return to Alice, and present the fluff nugget to her.

"Slovakian king, ten dollar." I set my offer!

Alice shuts the door.

"Friend! Slovakian king! I lower price! Friend!" I begin kicking at the door!

She opens it, again. "Do you actually need anything, or have you come just to be annoying?"

"I actually came to see if I can learn the magics and things." I ask of her. "It's also cold, and Marisa's house had crappy heating, for what little was left of it."

Alice sighed. "Come on in, then…"

Score!

She allows me in and I instantly bask in the warmth of the house, sitting at the table. "Yo ho ho~..."

Alice moves to the opposite chair, and takes a seat herself. "What were you spending so long at her place, for?"

"Ah, you know." I shrug like an asshole. "Building igloos in my spare time…"

"...She made you build her a house in exchange for magic, right?" Alice speculated.

Dayum. You're good at this…!

She reads my expression. "...Well, at least she's stopped holding that grudge. That grew old after the first day of complaining."

I know the feeling…

"For starters," Alice holds up a finger. "What types of spells can you cast? I'm asking so I don't teach you anything you cannot even cast, or anything that would demolish your mana pool."

"I can make a tiny, holy blast!" I'm gonna hazard that's my most costly default spell!

Alice blinks. "...A little more than I thought you capable of. Suffice to say, I'm not much of a practitioner of standard magics. I could do fireballs and things, but… I'm more into finding thoughtful ways of using mana, such as the mobilization of objects, or manipulating people's afflictions."

I tilt my head. "Can ya just teach me telekinesis?" I saw Marisa do a large version of it earlier.

"Unfortunately, no." Alice shakes her head. "That would require you to do some reading, and I don't quite have that introductory book on me. Patchouli might have it. It's in Romanian, by the way."

Well, that's just peachy. "Nevermind, yo."

Alice puts her arms on the table, leaning forward. "Hmm… There's basic elements of spells, but I don't feel like teaching you those. I have my own interests, too, you know."

Pain. Gensokyo needs a magic academy, or something. Too bad the human village is too fookin' stoopid to actually do something like that.

"I could teach you basic string manipulation." Alice offered. "It's more like basic physics. You'll need a lot of precision and dexterity, however."

Wow! Two things I'm abysmally bad at! Sign me up, yo.

"Definitely." I agree.

Alice blinks, genuinely surprised. "...Really? It's not something to be taken lightly. Properly managing strings takes time and practice, for a beginner."

To~tally. "Absolutely."

"...Alright, then. Here."

She laid a spool of string on the table. It was some generic, pink string.

"I'm starting you with something simple." She began explaining my task, "I want you to, with one swipe of your hand, bind that string to the door knob and open it."

Let's retrace our steps, here. 'Simple'...?

I look at her like punted a cat.

Alice sighed. "Genuinely, it's not hard. Give it a first try, I wish to see how well you do with just your wits, and no prior knowledge."

You speak as if this didn't sound totally impossible.

Unspooling some string, I stand…

"...Make sure to cut the string, by the way. It's no good leaving it in the spool."

Su~re.

I stretch it out to a really long length…

"That's too much." Alice chides. "That would be too simple."

Who _are_ you!?

...I try to reel some back in, but it proves difficult.

Alice sighed. "I may as well prepare a string for you, too."

She gets up, and moves up to me, pulling a pair of scissors from parts unknown. Swiftly, she cuts a strand from the exposed string, and uses her open hand to spool the rest back in.

She hands me the string. "There you are. Show me your technique."

I had technique?

Time to demonstrate it!

...Hmm.

I stare at the door knob. I wield the string in my left hand, and pretend to be a Belmont, whipping my string as if it were a whip.

It does not even reach the door knob because it's a _string_ , not a _whip_.

…

Alice stares at me blankly.

…

I try to whip the string at her. "Hyah!"

It floats through the air daintily.

…

"...Ah." Alice allows herself to make noise. "...Let me show you how it's done."

She brings her arm up in the air, and whips it outward- not in a whipping motion, mind you; she was whipping the arm itself to the side. A thin, barely visible string rolls across the air, brushing the ceiling, before wrapping around the door knob's base.

Alice drew her arm back and twisted it, turning the door knob and pulling it open. I barely saw this chain of events unfold, because it was so brief and I could only make out the glimmer of light off the thin, steel, string.

Her string loosens, and she retracts her arm towards herself to bring it back.

…

I point at her. "Do you happen to know a Spider Man?"

Alice shook her head. "I'm not friends with many spider youkai."

Pfft. Nevermind, then…

"In any case, unless you can demonstrate to me that you can at least do what I showed you… then I'm afraid there's nothing further I can teach you."

That's like Patchy casting Royal Flare and going 'if you can't match that, I can't teach you'. A bit of an exaggeration, but in the same territory, more or less.

I nod. "Alright, yo. I'll go practice at home, yo."

Alice smiles. "Oo~h, you have a home, now?"

I shake my head. "Nah, but it fit the sentence. Worst comes to worst, I can just sleep under a table, or something." I've gotten alarmingly used to that sort of thing.

…

"I see." Alice nods slowly. "Well… are you here for anything else? I don't mind you sticking around, this time. I'm not particularly busy."

Hmm. I might split, bu~t… "What've you been doing recently, yo?"

She shrugged. "Ah, just making some dresses I thought of making, but never got around to."

How mundane… "Do you got any exciting ones, yo?" I don't know where I'm going with this!

She stares at me levelly. "Exciting in what way?"

She's onto me! "I dunno! I'm freakin' bored!" I throw my arms up!

Alice sighs. "We~ll… I have one, I guess."

Ooh?

"Wait here…" Alice gets up, and goes into her room.

I wait for a moment. What was with her hesitation? Is it a rather risky dress? Is it something… kinky? Cosplay!?

She emerges holding something rectangular.

What…?

It's clearly made with cloth, it seems. The box part has a stand that seems to be made of coat hangers, and the top part reminds me of a blanket. Except it has a barrel on one end of it.

"Here it is." Alice introduces it. "It's not done yet, by any means. I'm just testing an idea I had."

"That's not a freakin' dress. That's not a freakin' dress at all!" I point at it. "S'that a fookin' sentry gun!?"

She nods. "You know of it? Yes, I had an idea for a magical automated turret. It's not that my dolls aren't doing their job, but…"

She gestures to a shelf, and I turn to look at it.

"Do you see anything wrong, here?" Alice asks me.

My eyes search the shelf. On it, there are various dolls, some armed, others, not so much. Except…

My eyes see something that's not exactly one of Alice's dolls, wedged between two.

A fluffle sat between two, motionless.

"...One of those dolls is _not_ like the others!" I observe.

"One of those dolls are vermin." Alice actively insults it. "The worst part is, my dolls don't recognize it as a youkai, or any form of biological life form, because it isn't."

I look at the sentry. "So, that thing…"

"It shoots anything that moves, basically." Alice shrugs. "All it does is shoot basic danmaku, however. Nothing ruthless. It should be enough to take care of the fluffy menace."

She waves her hand, and it aims at the fluffle. She moves it again, and it fires a few shots.

The fluffle explodes into dust before it can react.

"At evening, I'll set it on automatic." Alice nods.

"Fluffy." I stand up. "...How does that thing even work on the inside?"

"Simple wood frame." Alice shrugs. "It doesn't need to be durable."

Mmm…

Alice focuses on me. "Actually, would you like to stay, and help me sew? You'd just need to hold things."

While that is indeed within my job qualifications, I don't feel like holding things for up to an hour, or more. I've had enough manual labor for a good number of chapters! "We~ll! I think I'm gonna hit the o~l'... dusty trail."

Alice pouts. "I see how it is. Don't let me hold you back, then."

I nod. "Ye, ye ye. Ye."

Leaving her house, I close the door.

Outside, Ha-chan is covered in fluffles.

"Brad-kun!" She cheers. "Look! I found friends!"

All the fluffles cease their wriggling, and look at me.

…

Ladies and gentlemen. Ha-chan has found fluffles.

I walk out into the clear area, and begin spinning up the Yin-Yang Flail-o-copter.

"..Brad-kun! Wait!" Ha-chan hobbles towards me as I begin floating away. "Wa~it!"

By the time she's caught up, I'm long gone. "...Noooo~!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I touch down in the midst of a thinly dug-out path in the snow, right before the village gates proper. Did they send out guards to shovel it? It's a bit deep for shovels, but it's still super messy. I don't know what the frik happened here… but the floor is solid ice!

The flail-o-copter gets stuck in the snow, allowing me to pocket it easily.

...Clumsily, I alternate between dealing with sliding around like an asshole and plucking my hands in the snow to stabilize myself. Problem is: snow is cold. Difficult times!

After momentary fumbling about and incredulous frustration with nature's gameplay mechanics, I reach the village gate!

The guard folds his arms. "Awful cold for a traveler, huh?"

I agree. "Cold as _balls._ "

He laughs, voice raspy. "Hahahah. So… How'm I gonna know if you're a youkai're not?"

I take out the Youkai Inconveniencer. "Who carries something this holy?"

"How can I tell that it's holy?" He smirks. "Coulda just painted that. Gold is easy to come by for youkai, I'm sure."

My jaw drops. "Dude! You seein' this!? It's freakin'- it's holy!"

"Now I _really_ don't believe you." The guy leans back against the gate. "I'll tell you what. You go the other way, and I _don't_ kick your ass."

...I engage the flashlight feature, and shine it at him.

"Wha-hey!" He covers his eyes with his hand. "No good…! That's it, you're asking for it!"

He draws his sword, but I backpedal, keeping the light on him. Then, I channel my energy to the hanger…

FwwWoosh!

I generate an orb of light energy at his location, that expands.

"Hu-whoa~!" He gets pushed by it, flying backwards into some snow. "Oof!"

"Don't make me shove Jesus up your ass, son." I threaten. "I was the tenth great Pope of the outside, yo. I'll purify you so hard I'll get rid of your ancestor's status effects."

I'm seriously just done with the guards at this point. They can kiss my ass.

He climbed out of the snow, and slipped onto his ass again. "D-damn you, youkai…! You won't get away with this!"

Seriously!? "Dude, I just casted nothing but holy shit! I'm like, a shrine temple holy person! This is disrespect or something!"

"Call yourself what you want! No holy man would harm another human being!"

This guard, dude. "Dude, I pushed you into the snow. What, do I got like a… like a two-star wanted level now, or somethin'?"

The guard finally gets onto his feet, holding his sword shakily, his body shivering. "St-start making sense, you beast…!"

These guys are just unreasonable. Now I know what it'd feel like to go back in time and try to show tablets to people in, like, the seventeen hundreds.

Actually, this would be a good time to practice shit.

I hold my hand up, channel mana, and throw it towards him!

A pillow bounces off his helmet. He pauses for a moment, and glances at it, retreating from it.

"...It's not a bomb." I assure him.

"It's suspicious." The man argues. "It could be a trap."

It's a trap!

"Sure, friend." What else could I throw at him…?

I hold up my free arm again. This time, he charges!

"Die!"

Woah, shit! I flail the Youkai Inconveniencer at him, and end up clipping his sword, forcing him to retreat, thinking I'd disarm him or something.

"Hmph!"

He tries to return, but I make a bright flash with it!

Fwaa~sh!

"Gah! Dammit, my eyes…!" I hear him slip, again. "Guh!"

Freakin'...

Once my eyes clear up- and presumably his- I glare at him. "You're a real fuckin' tryhard, you know that?"

"Hah! Did I make you mad?" The guard grins. "What's wrong, youkai!?"

I hold my arm up while he's still on the ground, and close my eyes, envisioning a hollow star…

After channeling my mana, I throw my arm forward. "Lucky Star!"

A glowing yellow star materializes above my head as the man begins standing…

It barrels down towards him, and he guards.

Dink!

"Graa~h!"

The star bounces off of him, and he's thrown into the snow again. "A-agh…"

I whistle!... or not. I tried. "You lose, son. I'm going inside, because you failed. Then I'mma gobble 'em up, 'cause that's what youkai do, or something."

"Ghh…" The guard groaned, struggling to get out of the snow.

I walk up to the gate, and turn the lever to open it. Once I open it a quarter of the way, I get down and crawl under it.

…

It's cold on the floor, by the way. Kinda a bad idea, but I'm in the village now, so whatever.

Walking forth, I quickly blend into- oh wait, there's nobody here.

Not many people on the streets today, it seems. I eventually make it to the village square, where there are actually some people. Not many people, but some.

...I strut over to the medicine stand, which is setup today, but unmanned. I didn't pay it much mind, before, but this clearly looks like the interior lobby bits of Eientei, just with less stuff in the open.

S'weird, though, 'cause I remember nothing being here but an empty stall, other days.

It's also very silent! Everyone seems to be in a 'let's get the hell out of here' mood, too.

Did something happen, or is it just because it's stupid cold?

Some guys come down one of the main roads, walking into the town square.

"Cheer up, mate. Look, I'll even buy you an orange juice."

Well, not quite. More accurately, a kid and his dad, I think.

A messy, blond-haired man, looks down at the blond, robed child. "Look, I just-... Ughh…" He crouched down, and spoke to the kid in a lower tone.

...I slowly drift towards them, to eavesdrop.

"The hell am I supposed to do, Fred? I don't have any leads, and that… that _bitch_ , she got away. Everyone thinks I'm all washed up, and I've not even hit the top, yet."

Fred awkwardly reached his hand out onto his shoulder. "Uh… It's alright, Albus. You'll… do good… someday?"

Albus gave Fred a conflicted stare, before standing back up. "...Maybe you're not the person I should be talking to this about."

Fred nodded. "Maybe I'm not. But, hey, look, you'll get your groove back in no time, I'm sure."

The man named Albus nods. "Yeah. You're probably right. All it'll take is a few more heads, and everyone'll be willing to forget. Just you wait."

Considering I've little else to do, I think I'll screw with these guys. Albus is dressed funny... actually, they're both dressed funny- for villagers, anyway. Maybe they're not total assholes!

I walk up to them. "Hehe~y, guys! How goes the village sports, and things?"

Albus and Fred turn to me.

"...Just who are you?" Albus questions.

"They call me…" I pause. "Ronald."

Ronald McDonald is my favorite Touhou character.

Albus nodded. "O~kay. Actually…"

He and Fred exchange looks. Now that I think about it, Fred's a freakin' weird name for a kid. He looks like he's twelve.

"How'd you like to buy us some drinks?" Albus grins.

"You say that as if I had any money." I shrug.

His face falters. "Oh. So you're homeless, then?"

I grin sheepishly. "Uh… Youkai did it, etcetera?"

Albus laughs. "If I had a yen for every time I heard that. Who, then?"

Hmm… "They were big." I spread my arms out. "And mean."

"...Like an oni?" Albus guesses.

Where did that guess even come from? When was the last time they saw an-!?... You know what? Forget it.

"Sure." I fold my arms.

Fred looked at Albus. "Y'know, there was that oni that hangs around the Hakurei Shrine."

Albus nods. "You may be onto something… Tell us more, sir."

Uhhh… "...She was _big._ " I stress. Suika's not big, so~...

Fred nodded. "I read in the chronicle that that oni, she can change size, yeah? She probably did it when she did in this fellow's house."

Albus' eyes widen. "Then… it makes perfect sense! The snow-in the other day! No wonder it looked so off!"

...Albus glanced at me. "...Why did you wait so long to tell somebody!?"

Woa~h! Inside voices, son. "No one'd listen to me! They called me a hobo. They said my legs were gone!"

I gesture to my legs. "My legs are very clearly still here."

Albus' eyes widened a little at my description, but he shook it off. "O-oh. Well, alright, then… We'll bring that damn oni to justice. It'll give us good leverage against the Hakurei, too."

I would just like to add that I didn't participate in this. These guys just went on a tangent and jumped aboard the first conclusion they came to.

I'm also curious what they have against Reimu. Is this one of them villages where they're up in arms about Reimu not being a violent genocidist like them? Hnngh, I've never liked these types of people…

Albus patted me on the back. "What do you say we buy you a drink? Maybe that'll jog your memory a bit, huh?"

Ehn. "I don't drink, yo."

Fred smiles- the kid's got a catlike grin, holy frik- and speaks to me. "Oi, I know a real good pub down the way that sells a good orange juice. Actually, tell you what, you can 'order' the beer, and I'll switch my OJ with ya. How's that sound?"

Uu~h? "Aren't you, uh, a lil young…?"

...Fred sighed. "Bloody hell. Fuck me."

Albus chuckles. "Eheh, you see, Fred's older than he looks. A lot older."

"I'm twenty-fucking-two, thank you very much!" Fred yells. "Not twelve! Not ten! Not fourteen! _Twenty! Two!_ "

I think I've found his berserk button.

"...Now people are staring…" Fred shrinks in his little navy blue robe.

Albus sighs. "Let's just go, guys."

We begin navigating towards a pub!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Hehe~y, I see Komachi, here.

Albus sits next to her, I sit next to Albus, and Fred sits next to me.

"Hee~y… Itsh that guy… who kills people." Komachi has her head on the counter, a wide blush spread across her face.

Albus frowns at her. "I don't kill _people_."

Komachi laughs. "Hahaha~! Ohhh… you'd be a riot at a party."

"...Drunk." Albus jabs, but Komachi doesn't even respond.

I feel like that's a warning sign. I'll remember that!

The bar keep walks up. "Evenin' fellas. What'll it be, Albus?"

"Two beers, and an orange juice." Albus lists.

"...That other beer better be for the guy with the long hair, and not that kid over there." He cautions. "I don't sell the stuff to minors."

I'm reminded I have Kaguya's wig on. You tend to forget those sorts of things, when you've worn them for a long time.

Fred slams his hands on the counter. "I'm _twenty two!_ "

The barkeep raises his voice. "You don't fuckin' look it, aye? You come back a few feet taller, 'n' I'll believe ya!"

…

"Ahem, sorry, sorry. Let my emotions… get the better." The barkeep sighs. "Two beers?" He asks.

Albus sighs. "One beer, two orange juices."

Fred seethes. " _Da~mn._ "

The barkeep fulfilled his order, bringing us the juice and alcohol.

I just thought of something. Where the hell did they find oranges…?

Fred glared into his orange juice.

I turn to Albus, who was frowning into his drink.

Fun people.

"So, Fred…" Albus begins. "Where do you think we'd find her?"

Fred perks up. "Who?"

Albus rolls his eyes. "The oni, Fred. The one we _just_ talked about."

"O-oh, right…" Fred adjusted himself. "What do you say we just search the shrine?"

"What? And face off with that spoiled, teenage runt?" Albus grimaced. "Even worse, if we find her there, what would we do, then?"

"You can teleport, y'bastard." Fred argued. "Just pop in, pop out. Easy."

"The brat can teleport too." Albus argues. "I did my research."

"...Who? The oni, or the Hakurei?" Fred tilts his head.

"You- ugh, the Hakurei, Fred. You're the intel guy, Fred!" Albus begins yelling. No one really notices in the bar, though, because some other people are hollering in the back, and it's just kinda part of the atmosphere.

"Calm down." Fred leaned on the counter. "We'll just ask around, like we always do."

"What good would _that_ do?" Albus grits his teeth.

"Guys, guys, guys…" I slam my hands on the counter!

The two look at me.

"I propose…" I lift my finger in the air. "Fluff nuggets."

…

Albus and Fred don't do anything. They seem kind of mystified, actually.

"Why don't we stop bein' a buncha mister angry eyes, and talk about stuff we like?" I try. It sounds childish, but whatever, yo. I'm getting tired of hearing these two bozos debate on how they're gonna jump a freakin' _oni_. Let alone Suika.

…

"Y'know," Fred looks calmer. "I think I actually quite like that idea."

Albus sighs. "But if we don't-"

"Shh. Shh. Albus. Albus…" Fred chides him. "...You can talk about your youkai genocide later. For now, we just have a good time, yeah?"

"...Fine." Albus compromised.

…

"He~y!" Komachi raised her empty mug. "Need 'nother one!"

The barkeep, used to her many requests, complied without comment.

Komachi took a big swig. "...Thanksh."

"Well." I start the discussion, because Fred and Albus seem more socially awkward than I am at the moment. "I like plant hangers, and fluff stuffs, but only on occasion."

Albus begins to take a closer look at me, likely questioning just who the hell he treated to a drink.

"...Cool." Fred monotones, obviously disinterested. "Say, actually, do y'know anything about that mansion? The one over the lake?"

I shrug. "Kinda."

"Oh, God…" Albus groans. "Not this again…"

"Shut it, Albus." Fred waves off his 'friend'. "Anyway, so, like, a year or so back, I was readin' the Bunbunmaru, yeah?"

I nod. "Fun."

He just stampedes over my single word. "Yeah- so, anyway, there was this _smoking_ hot woman in the article. Bloody magician, too- right up my alley!"

"Fred here's been obsessed with some youkai bi-... some youkai." Albus stops himself.

I do not like the direction this conversation is taking, again!

"Patchouli Knowledge. That last name, too!" Fred gushed. "If I had the crew to brave the trek there, oh man… I've been researching hypnosis spells and such things for the past few months. All I need're Albus and some other chucklefucks to come along, and, perhaps, we could actually get there."

Albus sighed. "Maybe we'll purge that manor some day, but we're not going there with anything short of an army. Maybe you'll get to fulfill your fantasy, then."

"Where'd we get a sodding army?" Fred rose a brow.

I raise my finger. "I'd like to ask a question, friend."

Fred smiled. "All ears."

"...Hypnosis spells?" For what exact reason?

Fred nodded. "Ah, yeah. I read 'bout her in the chronicle, she's gotta heart of ice. Stone cold, from what I know. But, she's a youkai and all, so I figure if I try somethin' like… like capturing her, yeah? Th-that's not weird, is it? She'd _have_ to listen to me, then."

…

"That's pretty fucking weird." I nod slowly.

"What do you mean?" Fred suddenly got defensive. "She's a _youkai_. Surely no one'd care. Hypnotise 'er, take 'er home… I dunno how it'd go from there, bu~t y'know what I'm sayin'? Plus, I'm a mage, she's a magi, maybe she'd be like… 'oh, you're a magic user! let's do it'!"

"..." I don't know what to _say_ to this! I just give him a completely incredulous, open-mouthed stare.

Fred rolls his eyes. "Ah, piss off. I bet if you saw a pretty youkai lady, you wouldn't hesitate- I mean, think of it; maybe they don't have to be pushed off or killed. Maybe all we need to do is learn to control them!"

"...In a _way_ I understand where you come from, but I simply cringe." I tell him.

"Well, what'd you do then?" Fred's expression turns cynical.

"I don't know. Maybe actually talk with her, get to know her…?" I try. "Go on a da~te…?"

Fred waves his hand. "Oh, that comes after. No youkai'd willingly do it with a human, surely. 'Sides, if I just walked up to her, she'd probably try to eat me- in a bad way."

Considering your attitude, she'd probably skin you alive. Maybe he'd be a bit less weird if he was actually in the situation, but guys like these, yo… he's walking, like, that line between 'pervert with a heart of common metals' and 'complete rapetastic creep'.

Albus stares at me. "You speak as if youkai are capable of socializing with humans."

I stare at him. "...I mean, they've got human-like personas, and-"

"Pfft…" Albus does a fake, spiteful laugh. "Human-like. You hear him, Fred? That's… Calling youkai 'human-like'. Hahaha…"

I think I broke him.

Fred shrugged, slightly conflicted. "Well, they can fake it, I think."

I grin. "There's humans worse than youkai, yo."

Albus scoffs. "Not all humans are bad, obviously. We might have a few creeps, but that's all."

Fred nods. "Yeah, that I can agree with. Most humans're fine, yeah? I 'aven't met a youkai yet that didn't seem like he wasn't gonna just gut me."

You guys, yo. If only you saw life on the outside.

...I lean onto the counter, looking past Albus to look at Komachi.

"Yo, Komachi!" I call out to her. She seems to have been vaguely staring in our direction anyway.

Also, 'yo Komachi' sounds good together in the same sentence.

"Oi!" Komachi raises her mug.

"Whadda you make of this?" I ask her.

"Pffft-hahaha~!" Komachi gives a merry laugh. "S'one 'f the reasonsh aye drink! Hahaha!"

Aa~h. I dunno if she's joking about that or not. Since she's drunk, I'll take that with a grain of salt, myself…

Politics in Gensokyo, people. Considerably more cut and dry, but still very ingrained in the lives of people!

Albus and Fred fall into silence.

What good people!

I listen to the chatter of random friks in the background, and I lazily look around the bar.

This place smells like booze, and I'm bored.

I stand up!

"I think I've seen enough." I comment, moving from my chair…

Albus quickly turns to look at me. "Hey, hey, won't you stick around for briefing? This is your house we're talking, here…"

I put my hand up. "Friend, please-"

"Come off it." Fred glares at me. "Hang around, yeah? It's not like-"

"List- listen, listen…" I shush him. "There's a lot to see in this life…" I wave my finger at him. "Not wastin' it here!"

With that, I move away from them and walk out of the pub.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I did not come here for any particular reason, and now I slightly regret that! I suppose I'll just have to make a reason, yo.

Exiting the pub, I quickly find myself back in the town square. The sun was already getting to the far end of the day…

I should make myself a house in the woods, at some point. I'd need like, a tower defense on the inside, though. It'd also probably be made of freakin' ice. On second thought, sleeping under tables works just fine, for now…

After I glance around, I notice the Eientei-styled stand has a person in it! More specifically, a bunny person.

Waltzing up to it, I greet Reisen, who was hunched over and lifting a box. "Hello, friend."

Reisen flinches, and looks up at me. "O-oh… it's you. What are you doing here…?"

Daa~h. "Human village." I state. I point both fingers at myself… 'Human…?"

She turns away from me, not even reacting to my gesticulations. She seems to be hastily packing up the few medicines and things under the counters, and in the few cabinets.

Hmm. "What's the big rush, friend?"

"I just can't, anymore…" Reisen whines. "I could deal with people making fun of my ears, or being afraid that I would eat them or plan to kill them, and little things like that… b-but it's just too much, now."

Okay, so~ villagers being dicks again. I feel like I need more details… "What's too much?"

Reisen looked over at me. "I even didn't mind that occasional attacker. They were always horrible strategists, and weak. Today, though… I actually got assaulted by a youkai exterminator."

...I'm having a sinking feeling, here. "Was it a blonde dude with a penchant for youkai genocide?"

Reisen nodded. "He actually shot a gun at me. I didn't even think villagers had guns!"

He has a _gun!?_ Of all the twats to carry a firearm, it'd be the man with a fetish for genocide!

...She looked around, hoping no one heard her raise her voice. Lowering it, she continued. "Good thing he was a crappy shot- but, still…" Reisen fidgeted uncomfortably. "How am I supposed to sell medicine if I'm being actively chased out of town? N-no one's going to buy anything if I look like a criminal…"

Then, she looked at me and raised a brow. "Wait, how did you know…?"

"Saw him in the pub. He actually bought me an orange juice." I inform Reisen. "He's, uh… a piece of work."

Then there's Fred, the man who openly considered capturing my waifu and subjugating her to involuntary wining and dining.

I'm pretty sure he's not powerful enough to do anything, though. Pretty sure.

…

Reisen flinches. "He's leaving the bar right now…!"

With that, she ducks under the counter. I turn around, and lean against it, acting fluffy…

I eventually see Albus and Fred come up the street and into the town square. Reisen has some freakin' awesome eyesight. I suppose that's to be expected…

Carrots improve your eyesight, or so they say! Hyonk!

They not-so-subtly beeline towards me, and eventually confront me.

Before Albus even says anything, _I_ confront _him!_ "E~h… What's up, doc?"

…

"Are you just going to stand there?" Albus folds his arms.

I nod. "Yes."

Fred sighs. "C'mon. Do you not, like… feel angry, about it? I mean, your house bloody fell apart- ripped apart, even. Surely you're like, pissed? A little?"

"Totally apathetic." I shake my head.

Albus sighed. "Come on, I know you're feeling bad about it. Trust me, I feel for you, too. We'll find that damn oni together."

I don't think you realize that Suika is not a being to be shot with bullets.

I shrug. "If you say so, yo. If you say so."

Albus nods. "Alright! Our influence grows…!"

Fred sighs. "That makes three."

Your influence is growing, alright, Albus. No guarantees I won't ditch you guys, though! Freakin' jackwagons. Also, I never agreed to anything. You guys are just finding excuses to consider me part of you…!

I see something quick dart across the air over the human village, only for a moment. Albus and Fred don't notice it, but they do notice me looking around like a freakin' noob.

Fred sighs. "I feel like enlisting a hobo wasn't the brightest of ideas."

Albus frowns. "We don't discriminate. He lost his _home._ "

"I understand that!" Fred folds his arms. "But, like…"

He leans closer to Albus, gesturing for him to crouch. Albus does so, and Fred whispers into his ear- not so quietly, either. "I don't think he's quite in his right mind."

Albus sighs. "Don't give me that political bullshit now, Fred. We accept anybody. That includes you, even though you think youkai are somehow fit to mate with."

You know, I want to know where this guy got his genocidal intentions from. There's probably a number of village guards here who are like 'well mom got eaten by a tyrannosaurus so all youkai are dirty dirty dinos but they're still kinda people' but it's like, this guy takes it to a new level. He just declares them freakin' evil and is done with it.

Fred nods slowly, taking in his point.

…

"Here's what we do." Albus steps closer to us, and speaks lower. "Tonight, we go to the Hakurei Shrine. She'll be sleeping, so this is our chance to act."

Oh? Oo~h.

Is this an _assassination attempt?_

Fred looks like he wants to disagree, but withholds his input.

"I don't know what oni are weak against, so I say when we find her, we just attack her." Albus proposes. "A few bullets should end this job."

I don't think you know what an oni is.

Fred looks equally skeptical. "...Al, Al, Al… Oni are tough. Very tough."

Albus hisses. " _Bullets!_ "

"Okay, let's assume this even _works._ " Fred speaks hypothetically. "We arrive at midnight, and shoot her. What then?"

"We leave." Albus states. "It'd be too suspicious if both the miko and the oni died on the same night. We just do the oni tonight."

I nod, and speak louder than the huddle voice they all use. "I nee~d to go home, and get my boom stick!"

…

Albus stares at me dryly. "Your home fell apart."

Oh, right. "Oh, that's right. I forgot. Well, I'll dig through the rubble, then. I needs me boom stick!"

A skeptical look from the two gives way to acceptance.

"Alright…" Albus shrugs. 'We'll be outside the village gate this evening. You'd best be there."

I nod. "Oh, I'll be there, yo. I'll be there, and I'll be square!"

With that, Albus and Fred began wandering off.

…

"You catch that?" I ask Reisen.

"Y-yeah…" Reisen climbs up from under the counter, pulling herself up. "They're… going to attack Reimu's shrine."

I grin. "Come with me, friend. We're going to prepare the festivities."

Reisen sighs. "I can't believe this…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After navigating to the stairs in front of Reimu's shrine, the planning phase begins!

"...Do we just wait here? Do we tell Suika and Reimu…?" Reisen questions. "I still can't believe the village has such discontent… Mindsets of that sort are dangerous."

I nod. "I don't think Suika's even at the shrine right now, so y'know…"

Reisen's eyes widen. "O-oh, that's…"

We walk onto the front steps of the shrine. I stop on the first few, and reach into my bag of tricks…

I take out Deep Blue!

"You go on up to the top." I tell Reisen. "I'll just be playin' stratego! Ho ho!"

I twist the valve, letting the water spray across the left and middle bits of the stairs- as best I can, anyway. I make sure not to touch the right side too much. Slowly, I work my way up the entire, hellishly long staircase.

I meet Reisen at the top.

"...That's going to freeze. Smart." Reisen realized.

"Yeah, yo."

"...You only froze the right side." Reisen noted. You see, from the top of the stairs, it's the right side. I actually consider it the left side.

"That's so I can walk up flawlessly while the other two break their asses trying to climb it." I grin.

Reisen nods. "Ah…"

I do the same for the path to the shrine's door, except for the one step at the top of the stairs, because I'm an asshole. Once we get to the shrine, I slide the door open.

"Hehe~y, Reimu!" I greet her. "Guess what!?"

Reimu groans, looking up from the kotatsu. "Uuu~gh… I was dozing, too…"

"Some guys with guns are coming to kill you!" I announce cheerfully.

…

"Could you repeat that?" Reimu stares at me blankly.

Hyonk. "Some villager youkai exterminator wants you dead. He has a magician person with him, too."

Reimu shrugs. "Let them come. I'd be surprised if they were better at danmaku than half the people I fought…"

I smile. "Yeah, uh, they don't obey those rules."

"I figured. I'll probably just keep my distance when they come by, then." Reimu shrugged. "Not the first time I've had to fight something that shot bullets…"

Reimu promptly gave Reisen a stare, which the bunny girl fidgeted in.

"Why're you here, anyway?" Reimu pressed.

"...I was worried." Reisen admitted.

"Mmm." Reimu just hums. "Well, there's no one who knows guns better than you, I'm sure. If you want to do something, go ahead."

"...Alright. I don't have my sniper rifle on me, but…" Reisen pulls out a pistol, and then a scope, from one of her pants pockets. "I always carry a sidearm."

I raise a brow. "Can't you do that bullet thing with your two fingers?" If I remember correctly, she can shoot magical bullets by pretending to hold a gun. I think it's a lunar rabbit thing.

…

"I-I'd rather not, to be honest…" Reisen shyly attaches the scope to her pistol. "It's always good to have an actual gun on hand, too."

"That's danmaku loaded, right?" Reimu asks from the kotatsu.

"Huh? O-oh, yeah, yeah…" Reisen nods. "High power, yes, but still danmaku."

"Mmm…" Reimu relaxes on the kotatsu again.

…

"We need giant stone wheels." I decide. "We must introduce them to the flintstones."

Reimu sighs. "No, no we don't."

Oh.

"Alright, yo, I'm gonna be traveling alongside these mooks like a freakin' spy." I announce. "Reisen, if you shoot me, I will shoot you. With my mind."

Reisen simply stares at me.

Moving to the door, I wave. "I'll see you guys later. Espionage and all that."

"Mmm." Reimu hums again.

"Alright." Reisen watches me leave.

Now…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"The fluff in the sky keeps on turnin'!" I announce my presence in front of the village gate. I'm also approaching from the side, because it'd be freakin' weird if it looked like I was coming from the shrine itself.

Albus and Fred are there, chatting up a guard.

"So~, that's when I shot her sister!" Albus grinned. "Then I shot her sister's sister! And then I shot her again!"

He pulled out a flintlock to accent his point.

"Pfft…" The guard grinned. "You're doing God's work, man."

I walk up.

The guard's eyes widened at me. It's _that_ bozo.

"A-ah… He…" The guard points at me.

"Oh, you're here." Albus sees me. "Told you, Fred."

"Sod off." Fred was as pleasant as ever.

"We gonna get movin', yo?" I act a bit impatient. "I wanna shoot some oni in the fuckin' face! Like, 'kapow' and 'kablamo'!"

Albus cheers. "Alright, man! Yeah, we're doing this! Let's get this show on the road!"

Albus is pretty hype for a vigilante gunman!

"Th-that man!" The guard points at me. "He's a youkai!"

I act surprised! "Yo, lay off, bro! It was just a prank, bro!"

Albus looks confused.

I point at the guard. "Yo, I dropped some water on his head earlier today, now he mad, bro. Now he mad, bro! Now! He!-"

"I think we get it!" Fred yells over me.

The guard grimaces. "Egh… I'll just kill you now, then!"

Albus swiftly slips a flintlock out from his jacket thing. "He's with us."

The guard freezes.

…

"Y-yes… sir…"

Dayum. Albus apparently has respect in the village. Then again, he also has a gun.

"Let's go." Albus turns on his heel and dashes out onto the snowy path ahead, only to start slipping when he gets onto the ice. He shoves his hands into the snow nearby to stop himself. "...Slowly."

Fred pulls a wooden staff from literally nowhere, and waves it around. "Fireball!"

A fireball is shot onto some nearby ice, melting it. Fred steps onto it, only to slip on the combination of water and ice and have to plant his staff into the snow.

"Good job." I compliment their efforts.

"Shove it." Fred is as moody as usual.

I pull Swift Brand, my most normal looking hanger, from the sack, and shove it into the snow. Like that, I use it to stabilize myself as I slide along the path, moving past Albus.

"It's hopeless…" Albus teasingly jeers to no one in particular, teleporting ahead, only to slip on his ass once he gets there.

I chuckle. "You can _teleport?_ I mean, it didn't do you a lotta good, but yo."

"Yes, I can teleport." He addresses my statement in a disgruntled manner. "Where the hell did you get that… that thing from?"

I raise my plant hanger. "Oh, I found it in the ruins of my house. My boom stick wasn't there, so I just took a plant hanger instead."

"...Sure." Albus shakes his head. He pulls out his- his two flintlocks, apparently, and starts using them to dig into the snow and push himself along the icy path on his bum.

Fred laughs. "Albus, wh-what the fuck…"

"It works, damn it!" Albus shouts back.

Eventually, we reach the shrine's steps…

"Here we go…!" Albus grins up at the stairs.

Fred glances at him. "You think we oughta do anything more? Other than fry that oni?"

Albus shakes his head. "Too. Suspicious. We already went over this…"

I make sure to take the rightmost part of the stairs…

The water I left on the other sides has frozen, and become a layer of ice.

Albus arches backward, and laughs into the evening sky. "Hahahaha~! Suika Ibuki, here we come-!"

He charges onto the first step, and faceplants onto the stairs.

"O-oh, shite, Albus!" Fred rushes to his side. "You alright, mate?"

Albus shakes his head. "I-I'm fine. These damn stairs…"

I strut up the right side, pretending to lose my balance some of the way. "Woaa~h! They damn did froze the stairs, they did, son! What're we gonna do now!?"

Albus looked to Fred. "We can't get up the stairs at all, like this. Cast fire spells, if you have any, men."

Albus aims his two flintlocks at the stairs. "Glyph in bullet! Igniz Shot!"

A spreadshot of three smaller fireballs whirls into the stairs.

"Fireball!" Fred shoots a basic fireball at the stairs.

...This is going to take literally forever.

"Glyph in bullet! Igniz Shot!"

Fwoom!

"Fireball!"

Fwoom!

You know, you guys would probably wake the sleeping dead. You're shouting your spells at the top of your lungs despite this being a stealth operation.

I look up the shrine stairs… and I see a glimmer from the top of the shrine gate. A _red_ glimmer.

...I continue to pretend slipping on the ice. "Oh, man, this ice! Oh, wow!"

Albus glances at me. "Do you not have any magic?"

I shake my head. "I'm a hobo, dude. I've not even a boot to bash their heads in with."

Fred snorts. "Scrub."

Now just where did he learn that from? I'm pretty sure that's an internet thing…!

A red, glowing bullet whirls past us, thunking into the ice before the shrine steps behind us.

Albus freezes. "...Everyone down, now!"

Fred's eyes widen. "Cr-crap! What…!?"

I pretend to be surprised. "Oh, god! Not the pain! Anything… but the pain!" I slink into the stairs.

Albus aims a revolver forward.

Bang! Bang!

The red glint shifts slightly. I assume that's Reisen up on the shrine's gate, firing down at us.

Two more bullets whirl by, one striking Albus.

"Guh…!" He clutches his gut. "D-damn! Youkai snipers! That _bitch_ isn't making this easy!"

He charges up a few stairs, only to start slipping again.

"I don't have time for this!"

He glares upward.

"Igniz kick! Ha~h!"

Whirling into the air, his pants legs are coated in flame as he unleashes a flying spin kick, whirling upward. A few more danmaku bullets strike him as he does this, but he doesn't seem to mind.

Holy _shit_.

He grins up at the gate above the stairs, likely having seen Reisen.

"You can't hit me…"

He teasingly mocks the 'youkai sniper', teleporting up some of the stairs at a time, evading bullets.

He fires up again.

Bang! Bang!

Reisen seems to flee from the position, because I see her eyes' red glint dart off into the distance.

Albus seems to notice, too. "We don't have a lot of time! Fred, whatever-your-name, get up here!"

Fred clumsily tries to march his way up the side of the stairs, shoving his staff into the snow and shakily stepping up a couple stairs at a time. I leisurely walk up the rightmost portion of the stairs…

Although, Albus is nearly at the top from his freakin' cheat codes. I think I'll just jog up the stairs, then. Fred can figure it out on his own.

I do so, and Fred indeed gapes at me. "Wh-what the hell!?"

I turn to him. "Playin' on easy mode, son!"

I quickly catch up to Albus, who continues teleporting until he reaches the top of the steps.

"Here we are…" Albus takes a deep breath. "We need to-"

A red bullet slams into him from somewhere nearby. I don't even know where Reisen is shooting from, because we have snow sorta built up all around us.

A red bullet hits me! "Agh!"

"No!" Albus glances at me, worried. "Damn! We're being shot from all directions! We're… we're outnumbered!"

We are?

I look around hastily, and I notice Reisen's red glint appearing in different places. From one of them, a bullet fires, and the other red glints disappear.

She's probably doing some teleport hacks, too, now that I think about it.

"Into the shrine! Go, go, go!" Albus shouts. I run up to the shrine door, and pretend to attempt opening it.

"It's stuck!" I tell them. "Oh, shit!"

It's not stuck. I'm actually sliding it slightly open before shutting it just to make a noise that sounds like me struggling with it.

"What!?" Albus raises his two flintlocks. "Glyph in bullet! Glacius Shot!"

A large icicle is formed from his two guns, and it flies forward like a missile-

Bam!

It impales the shrine door, and he runs up to it, kicking the rest of it down.

Reimu is standing inside, her arms folded, gohei in one hand, ofuda in the other.

Albus sees her, and grins widely. "Hahahaha~! I see you've anticipated me, Hakurei!"

Reimu offers no comment. "Cautionary Border!"

A barrier forms in front of her.

Albus shoots at it.

Bang!

He crouches, and tries again.

Bang!

...As anticipated, the barrier stops his bullets. Did he think it wouldn't?

From outside the shrine, red bullets fly forward and riddle him in the back. If they were real, Albus'd be swiss cheese!

"Gwaaa~h!" Albus stumbles forward, falling onto his knees. "N-no…!"

"Y-you!" I hear Fred yell from outside.

…

"Aaaa~h!" Good job, Fred. You got freakin' owned.

Albus looks at me. "Y-you! Distract one of them!"

I shake my head. "Sorry, son, but the trial period has expired. You're gonna have to pay a monthly subscription from now on."

He glares at me. "Wh-what!? Do something!"

"You were protected from viruses, malware, and spyware attacks." I declare. "And that reason was Norton."

"Fucking _do something!_ " Albus roars. "I need _help!_ "

...I see Reisen walk in from outside, carrying an unconscious Fred.

Albus turns to see her. "Y-you…!"

Reisen frowns at him, offering no comment.

Albus shakily stands up, and looks at me. "You… were working with them all along, w-weren't you…?"

I shrug. "I'm fluffy."

He begins to run towards me!

"Y-yo!" Swift Brand, do the things!

Fwooosh!

A blast of wind pushes him back. Reisen lunges towards him, and digs the barrel of her pistol into his temple.

"Don't make me do this." Reisen quietly commands him.

"Get off me!" Albus flails his arms in an attempt to escape.

Reisen tries to keep a grip on him…

"It's hopeless…" Albus teases, teleporting away. He then makes the intelligent decision to laugh, arching back again. "Ha~hahahaha! You'll never catch me, youk-"

Reimu appears next to him, and brings her gohei across the side of his head.

Thwack!

"Kaaa~i…!" Albus wails, falling over.

Thud.

…

Silently, we observe the fallen friks.

Reimu eventually speaks up. "That… was some hatred."

Reisen sighs. "I-I don't get it…"

I decide to comment, too. "Yeah, he was… pretty dedicated. He was expecting Suika, actually. He wanted to kill her."

Reimu snorts. "I would've paid to see him try."

Reisen plops Fred down on the floor. "What about this kid?"

I shrug. "He's actually twenty two."

...The girls stare at me skeptically.

"Or so he says." I add. "In any case, he's also a little screwed up. Advocates youkai violence, and all that. Bit of a, uh, creep, too…"

In the end, I fold my arms. "Fred's not an entirely bad dude, though. Albus… I dunno what goes on in his head, but I don't _think_ he's killed anyone yet."

Reimu shakes her head. "I checked the woods around the village, this morning. I figured there'd be no guards about, with the snow being so high, and all. Usually around this time of year, the stealthier youkai have a field day with the snow for a similar reason."

"Yeah." Reisen nods. "The snow is a great place to hide. Both as a rabbit, and as a soldier."

That reminds me… "You hit me, friend."

"Ah… It was to keep your cover believable." Reisen smiled. "Sorry about that."

I have a feeling you wanted to shoot me! Well, considering the pain's gone as we speak, it's whatever.

"I mean, the snow youkai were still around. Yuki-onna, wild rabbit types..." Reimu tilts her head back and forth. "Except, whenever I checked the regular youkai den caves and stuff that constantly get filled, I found dead youkai. That's not normally a big deal, crowds of guards might gather to clear a troublesome cave of violent youkai, here or there. Sometimes a cave might just not fill back up for awhile, which is normal..."

Reimu frowns. "Except, no matter where I went, they were dead. Youkai bodies, riddled with bullet holes. This man… he was busy, and, even worse, he wasn't half bad at his job."

I fold my arms. "How many did he even kill? I can't imagine there being that many caves near the village…"

"Forty to sixty." Reimu shrugged. "I stopped counting at thirty or so."

…

"Geez." Reisen stared at him.

"They weren't all bad youkai, either." Reimu added. "Some were the more peaceful types. I also couldn't tell if any of the above-ground dens were cleared recently, either. Considering almost none of them were ever cleared of their snow…" She nodded slowly. "...We could raise that figure to a hundred or more, if we wanted."

"Really…" Reisen folded her arms. "Why, though?"

Reimu shrugged.

…

"In any case…" Reimu stretched. "That's enough excitement for one night. You can tie people up, right, Reisen?"

Reisen nods. "Better than I'd like to admit…"

Reimu gestures to Albus and Fred. "Tie these clowns up. I don't know what to do about the guy who teleports, though. Maybe you could take him to a room in Eientei and just lock him there, until I get around to questioning him."

"E-eh…" Reisen looks unsure about that idea. "I don't think Master would be welcome to the idea of housing a crazed killer like him…"

"Just tell her it's Hakurei business, and tell her to talk to me." Reimu instructs her. "Besides, if all goes well, Eirin gets a new playmate."

Reisen grimaces. "Don't put it like that…"

Reimu begins moving. "I'll get the rope. Brad, you can do whatever. Thanks, by the way."

I got thanked! That makes me feel better than it should!

The night comes to a conclusion, yo.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Reisen was gone, now, having left with Albus earlier.

Fred was in the corner of the room, arms and legs bound, still asleep.

Reimu sat at her kotatsu lazily, again.

"...You still here?" She tiredly stares at me.

I shrug. "Day is cold, and night is colder."

...She nods. "Mmm."

…

"You can stay inside, for the night." Reimu offers. "Sleep anywhere, except my room. I'm going to bed." Reimu stands, and begins walking off to her room.

…

I shall take the kotatsu, then, because it's fluffy.

…

I can't sleep! I'm in the mood to do things! But nope, yo, I'm gonna wait it out.

…

I hear knocking at the shrine door. "Yo, Reimu! You still up, ze!?"

Slowly creeping out of the kotatsu, I move towards the door, and attempt my best woman voice. "Ye-yeah!"

That sucked.

…

"Who the hell!?" Marisa slams the door open, holding a magical lantern- I assume magical, anyway. Lanterns ain't normally _blue_. "What'd you do with Reimu!?"

I hold my arms up. "Friend. I didn't _do_ anything. She went to bed."

Marisa's eyes widen. Maybe I worded that wrong…?

"...What do you mean, 'she went to bed'?" Marisa lowly asked me.

Folding my arms, I elaborate. "I mean she's freakin' in her room. Go look, friend."

Marisa runs into the kitchen.

I hear another door slam open.

"Reimu!"

"Huh!?"

…

I slowly follow behind, and see Marisa walking back out, body speckled with talismans.

"Sh-she's fine, ze…" Marisa slowly walked up to the kitchen table.

Reimu walked out of her room, now in a rather plain pair of white pajamas. "Geez… Coming into my room and yelling, like that. What's gotten into you?"

Marisa sat down at the kitchen table. "I dunno, Reimu. Things happen."

…

Reimu yawns. "Well, if you want to stay tonight, you can go ahead. Due to recent events, I don't mind some guar- I mean, loiterers."

With that, she recedes into her room.

Marisa rose a brow, and spoke under her breath. "Recent events…?"

I nod. "Yeah. Youkai exterminator man from the village came here with dual flintlocks in an attempt to kill an oni. Me, Reisen, and Reimu ambushed him, and beat him the frik up."

Marisa's eyes widened. "Wha~t? The village, huh? Why Reisen?"

You're just full of questions, aren't you, friend? "Yeah, yo. The village seems to be getting a bit uppity. Also, Reisen got chased out by said exterminator man."

Marisa shook her head. "Wo~w. Good job. Chasing out the best medicine dealer in the village, just 'cause she had rabbit ears."

"...Anyway, he kinda went on a youkai rampage in the adjacent youkai dens and things."

She looked skeptical. "Did he, now? Lemme guess, sixteen tops? That's how much a band of hunters usually manages before they bite off more than they can chew."

I shake my head. "A hundred max, fifty minimum."

…

"Bullshit." Marisa shook her head. "Those're, like, numbers me and Reimu manage on an average adventure, ze. 'Cept we don't _kill_ kill 'em, unless they're impossible assholes."

"Talk to Reimu in the morning, then, yo." I shrug, getting up. "I'm takin' the kotatsu."

Marisa gets up, and starts running to the door. "That's mine!"

Yo, no!

I run to the kotatsu as well, and we end up pushing into each other along the way, diving into the kotatsu.

"Oof!"

"Uwa~h!" Marisa yells.

We bowl the kotatsu over, then struggle to set it back upright again.

"No. I'm not using the same kotatsu." Marisa objects. "Hit the floor, or I hit you."

"There's enough room!" I argue. "We can be on opposite sides and stuff!"

"You stink, ze!" Marisa counters. "Like, no offense, but…"

I roll my eyes. "And you _don't?_ " I wasn't gonna say nothin', 'cause that usually doesn't bother me, but, y'know…!

"Hey, didn't your mother tell ya not to insult ladies?" Marisa jabbed. "'Sides, no one's told me I stink. How do I know yer not lyin'?"

"I could say the same thing!" I argue. Although, it's been so long since I've had a bath, I don't doubt I'm a freakin' sweat bag. Such is life when you run around the wild woods of Gensokyo!

"I don't lie." Marisa lies. "Not on purpose, anyway."

Su~re. "Are you just a compulsive liar, then?"

"Not that I know of, no." Marisa would probably be grinning if I could see her on the other end of this freakin' fortified variant of a blanket.

"Not that you _know_ of." I stress. "The nuggets' nose knows no nooses, noob." I just wanted to say that, because it made a lot of similar sounds!

"What?" Marisa was confused, and rightfully so.

Hyonk!

"Ughh…" I hear Fred moan. "Can y'two… just shut th'fuck up, already? If I'm'onna be tied up, I'd prefer to spend it _sleeping._ "

…

"So who the hell is that?" Marisa asks aloud.

"Name's Fred." Fred introduces himself. "I'm being held captive by the Hakurei, presumably. Help me out, and I help you out?"

"...What's in it fer me?" Marisa seems interested.

"Uu~h…" Fred hesitates. "...I-I got intel on an oni, around here."

"Suika?" Marisa guesses, excitement noticeably fading from her voice.

"Y-yeah…" Fred confirms.

Marisa sighs. "Nothin' you know that I don't, kid. I-"

"I'm twenty! _Fucking!_ Two!" Fred roars.

I hear shuffling from Reimu's room, and stomping…

"Quiet." I caution, rolling onto my stomach to pretend I'm asleep.

…

The kitchen's door slides open. Reimu stomps onto the floor of the shrine main room…

...Aauugh! "O-ouch…" She stepped on my _ba~ck!_ Fuck!

…

"Guh!" Reimu punted Marisa.

…

"Ouch- sod off!" Fred yells at Reimu. "Hakurei bitch!"

Words to say to your captor, I'm certain.

Looking up at the action, I see Reimu glare at him.

"...Leave me alone, would you?" Fred stares into her eyes.

...Reimu looks around, then moves back into the kitchen.

"Hah." Fred grins. "Hurt her feelings, I did. I'm sure."

...She re-emerges with the duct tape. Fred eyes her. "Oi, Hakurei… What did they used to call you, again? Rei… Reim? Reia?"

She begins ripping a strip of tape from the roll as she nears him, the noise of tearing adhesive filling the otherwise quiet evening.

"...H-hey, what're you-"

…

"Mmph! Mmm!" Fred angrily muffles.

"Much better." Reimu smiles, and begins walking back to her room. "You two. Save the fighting for tomorrow morning."

"He sme~lls…" Marisa whines.

"Save it." Reimu speaks louder.

With that, she leaves the room, closing the kitchen door.

…

I've still got a bit of energy. I think I'll pull out that 3DS of mine, yo…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 35

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Unknown ice spell acquired?

INVENTORY:

Youkai Inconveniencer - Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives that I mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

Holy Talismans - Provides a holy upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

Electric Talismans - Provides an electric upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out...

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

hi friends

albus is a fun guy

since i told you all where albus came from last time, i think i'll tell you about FRED…

the personality for fred has absolutely no source other than "generic britishy dude number one million", but british people can be fun

the shota appearance comes from some hentai i read about patchouli knowledge; don't ask

(said doujin also had a similar premise COUGH HACK COUGH)

anyway uhh- oh, yeah, that's why he's such a horndog, too

in any case, see you all next time!


	43. Fluffrude: Duststorm

( _ **HEY**_ before we begin- i hate pre-story author notes- but this is a big one! freakin gensokyo now has its own WEBSITE YO- just google "FREAKIN GENSOKYO" without quotations, and it should be the one with the garbage .comuf extension. okay shameless self-plugging over)

(in which we overcome a fluffy palooza)

Springti~me in the morning!

…

Except not! It's as cold as a dead rat on the side of the road.

And the kotatsu blankets have mysteriously sprouted legs and walked away.

…

Tilting my head downward, I see that Marisa has, infact, taken the entire kotatsu blanket, leaving me with nothing but my worn clothes.

Sitting up, I move to put away that 3DS, which I was smart enough to at least close before I freakin' dropped dead.

A quick glance at Fred revealed he was also awake, observing me.

"Hey look," I quietly, casually stated. "It's Fred Fuckstone."

Fred glowered, as hard as a little shota mage could glower.

...I move up to Marisa, and tug at her blankets a little. Hnngh, she's all wrapped up in them. I was gonna steal them back, but if I did that right now, she'd just become an unstoppable force of violence.

...After a few moments of silence, Fred speaks up.

"Wh...what did you do to Albus?"

I look over at him. "Hmm… I think he's over at Eientei, that clinic place, in a room. To keep him from teleporting out like a freakin' maniac."

This is assuming his teleportation is strictly eyesight oriented. Otherwise, him and Reisen were probably gonna have a series of deathmatches all night.

That, or he's roaming Gensokyo shooting people in the face as we speak.

Fred blinked. "...Eientei? ...I-I never trusted those rabbit types."

I don't think you ever trusted anyone.

...I also told him where Albus was, didn't I? That'd normally be pretty stupid, but if Fred hasn't escaped by now, I don't think he's going to. He looks like he didn't get much sleep later into the night.

…

The kitchen door slides open. I see Reimu is up early, too.

...She walks up to the snug Marisa, and rips the blankets from her, forcing her to twirl about before landing on her stomach.

"Wha-waah!?" Marisa flailed her limbs, before looking up at Reimu. "...I was sleeping!"

"And I'm sitting."

Reimu sat the kotatsu back up, and sat at it.

...I join her at it, as does Marisa.

"...Later today I'll go interrogate that guy." Reimu speaks.

...She notices Fred staring at her.

"Oh, right. You." Reimu stares back. "You were a friend of his, right?"

"I don't have to answer to you, Hakurei." Fred scowled. "You do nothing for the village."

Reimu rolled her eyes. "Because I don't check in to report how many youkai I keep in line? Mmm… I don't roughhouse them often, but when I do, they're usually not very active in the first place."

Fred shook his head vigorously. "Lies! All lies! Do you know how many villagers have died this _year!?_ "

Reimu shrugged. "The biggest thing was that mech… which wasn't a conventional youkai, and I _did_ fight it. There was also that horseman, but he seems to have bitten off more than he could chew."

Yo~! That last one was me!

"What about the murders?" Fred continued. "The unexplained deaths!?"

...Reimu furrowed her brows. "Youkai don't operate like that. Even when they have the opportunity to do such, they'd likely make a grandstand out of it, and not simply let it fester. The only reason I can think of for that is if someone really pissed off one really bad, but even then, stealth is not really a priority for anyone who'd get that bothered, I'm sure."

Fred sighed. "You don't know nothing…"

"...Maybe if the village actually reached out about those things-"

"It's your job to protect us! Surely you should be the one checking in!" Fred yelled.

…

"I do. Not inside the village, however. I had no way of knowing." Reimu shrugged. "Before you tell me to go in there often, I'd like to ask how well that'd go, considering what you and your friend just tried yesterday."

...Fred had nothing smart to say about that.

...Marisa yawned. "It's too early for this shit, ze…"

At that, Reimu leans onto the kotatsu top, relaxing. She seems to be in agreeance.

…

Fred's eyes lit up. "Oh, yeah! That oni! She wrecked that hobo's house, she did!"

I shook my head. "Nope."

Fred glared at me. "...What?"

"You guys jumped to conclusions. I don't even own a house in the village. If there was a broken house, it was because of the snow, and your shitty, boxy roofs." Seriously, that's probably not good for rain, even.

"The-the hell do the roofs have to do with anything!?" He snaps. "Fucking…"

There we go, yo. The village has no architects.

That, or it's the fact they're almost purely wood and made by not-architects and it's not the fact that they're boxy. I'm not an architect, either!

"...So you lied to us, then?" Fred accused me.

I sigh. "I just- freakin'... No."

"How?"

I shake my head. "Nope. This discussion ends, friend."

He pouts. "Seriously, how?"

Nope. I'm out, yo.

I think I'll head to the temple. I don't have to fly far, and they have heating, I hope. Buddhists better believe in heating, or I'm _making_ them believe in heating.

"See you guys 'round, yo. I'm gonna go be vermin in a bigger building. More food and heat."

Reimu raised her hand. "Oi. If you're stopping in the village, could you do shopping for me? Gives me less to do when I get back from the clinic…"

Marisa looked at her, as if offended.

I shake my head. "Nope. Not unless I'm stopping there, yo… and I ain't, even if the temple's close. I've had enough of youkai genocidalists for awhile."

Fred still wants to beat me up, from that scowl on his face. Hyonk.

Reimu nods. "Alright. Marisa, it's up to you."

Marisa goes from offended to disinterested. "Aah, I'm afraid I'll have to, uh, talk with Patchy, yeah…?" Then, she realizes something. "Oh, shit, I forgot to talk to Patchy, for reals! She knows where Mima is!"

Reimu groans. " _Another_ thing to do? I'm sorry I asked, then…"

"I gotta go like, right now!" Marisa instantly pulls her broom from parts unknown, drifts to the shrine door to open it, and then rockets outside.

…

Reimu sighed. "I'm going to deal with that gunman first. Patchouli can withstand Marisa for a few hours, I'm sure."

With that, she floated out of the shrine.

…

Fred uselessly fought his ropes. "H-hey! I'm hungry, here! I could use a drink…"

He looks at me. "...You better be lying to them. Please tell me you're still on our side. Please!"

I shake my head. "No, son. I'm fluffy."

Leaving the shrine, I hear Fred's displeasure. "No! You fucker! Let me go!"

Poor Fred. it just occured to me that I should have been calling Albus 'Barney' the entire time.

Oh, well.

Walking away from the shrine, I still hear the young-looking mage yell obnoxiously. That dude's really going at it.

I begin spinning my flail-o-copter, and set off.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: FRED'S PERSPECTIVE ====

I'm 'onna fucking die here, aren't I? That lousy _fucking_ miko just took the piss and split, there was that witch for whatever _fucking_ reason, that hobo was a _fucking_ double agent, fuck!

"Heee~lp!" Someone's oughta hear me, damn it! I'll scream until my voice box's shot!

"Heee~lp! Youkai! I've been trapped by youkai!" Worth a shot, right?

"Someone! Help me!"

…

"Heee~lp!"

…

"Hee-"

The shrine door slides open. Already!? About fucking time! Maybe the guards followed us! Maybe Albus finally killed that bunny bitch! Maybe-

…

A figure walks through the door, entirely covered in those little dust devil things.

"honhonhonhonhonhonhonhonh"

They produce a constant murmur of unholy noise.

"Bra~d-ku~n…" A woman's voice moans from inside. "Where are~ you…?"

The dust creatures writhe around, but still posture their mass into a humanoid form. It's… it's uncanny.

What the _fuck_.

She waddles through the shrine, passing me.

I don't want to talk to that thing. Whatever it is, I'm 'bout to fucking piss myself. Is it their hive? Do they come from this youkai?

I keep myself very, very still. For what seems like an eternity, she passes through the shrine, before sliding the other door open, and leaving.

…

I-I'm gonna wait before I call again. I wouldn't want to draw that _thing_ back…

Albus told the guards they were just pussies for not coming up here to flush out the miko. Aside from the fact I knew them not as zealous as he… I didn't think the rumors about all-powerful youkai stomping around Hakurei grounds to be true.

I mean… what even goes on up here? I've honestly not a fucking clue, now!

Bloody hell.

…

It's been ten minutes. I think I'll start again…

"Heee~lp!"

…

…I really do have to piss myself! "Heeeheheee~lp!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

These guys bothered to snow shovel!

I touch down atop the steps!

The ice is even gone, yo~...!

Kyouko notices me. "Welcome back…"

The temple as a whole looks rather like an ancient fort, in all the snow, for some reason. Or maybe it's just me. Either way, I like that.

Her eyes scan over my clothes.

...I shrug. "I'm a freakin' hillbilly princess, yo."

She sighed. "You should probably take that wig off, before you see Byakuren…"

That's right, actually. She might get frisky, again.

I remove the wig!

"..." She gives my normal hair a good stare as well, but looks away when she can tell I've noticed.

Despite how freakin' weird it looks, I pride myself in it.

"...Anyway, go on inside." Kyouko resumes sweeping the stone path.

Wait…

My eyebrow raises. "What the frik is there to sweep? It just snowed a few days ago."

...Kyouko blinks. "O-oh, right… Well…" She fidgets. "...Force of habit?" She grins sheepishly.

She even has a scarf on, so she _knew_.

I shrug. "Whatever you do for fun, yo."

She sighs in relief.

I walk up to the temple, and enter it. I have to question how the first room is a hallway that immediately greets you with a wall, and two choices: left or right. Couldn't there've been a freakin' lobby?

I eventually find the kitchen!

Stormy McAngryEyes is sitting at the table, glaring down at a plate of crackers, as he angrily munches on one…

He's sad, friends.

I walk up Stormy. "Heyo~, you freakin' oaf! How goes the nuggetmania?"

A glance at me shifts his face into a scowl. "...What, you're a farmer, now?"

"I'm a plumber." I tell him. "The Clutch Plumber, yo."

He snorts. "...I've never heard that term used to describe a plumber before. Why would that be…?"

I take a seat at the kitchen table… "Well, son, it was way back in the great war."

"...I don't think you were alive long enough for any wars." Stormy observes.

"I had nothing but my wrench, and my wits..." I tell him. "I was repairing a faucet, in a home down in North Yorkinorkinyorkinshire, when suddenly, a fuckin' soccer ball came out of the drainage pipe!"

Stormy nods. "...I see."

"It leapt onto me, and strangled me, dude!" I accentuate by putting my arms around my neck, and writhing around. "I was all like 'goddamn it, get off me!', and then I like, stuck my wrench in it, and turned! And I turned, and I turned, and like… it just wouldn't come off!" I throw my arms to the sides, as if bamboozled.

"...Alright, what the fuck are you going on about?" Stormy was confused.

"So then I died." I slouch, crestfallen. "That's the legend of the clutch plumber, yo. Snuffed out by sport ball. I never heard the end of it."

…

Stormy looks somewhere behind me. I turn, and see big girl Hijiri herself.

"...I see."

She calmly approaches the table, and takes a seat.

I nod. "So how was your day, Byakuren? Got any funny stories to tell?"

She puts a finger to her lips. "...There _was_ this time Murasa attempted to sail a bucket in the sink."

Pfft…!

"Let it be known, that I do not advocate drinking in the temple." Her smile grows slightly more intense, focusing her gaze on Stormy…

"Oh, come off it." He grimaces. "Everyone had a good time. Even you."

"...I do _not_ advocate drinking in the temple." Her smiled tightened further!

Alri~ght, damage control, comin' right up! "Yo yo yo, who's in the know, yo?"

No one bothers to glance at me.

"Tch…" Stormy shakes his head. "Can't have any fun around here."

"Why don't you just leave, then?" Byakuren suggests, still all 'smiles'. "Surely you wouldn't mind. It is only what you want, after all."

Stormy, how bad of an original character are you? It sounds like you're about to get a bad end!

He stands up. "Maybe I-"

I stand up, too! "Downy soft owls!"

…

He begins to work around the table, coming towards me.

I raise my hands defensively. "Now, son-"

He grabs me by the neck of my undershirt. "Listen here, you dipshit. I don't need you, coming in here, and acting like a clown case right now. The best thing you can do, right now, is to simply screw off and let me handle my business."

…

I'm slightly shaken, and surprised, but not stirred, you see.

He lets go of me, and steps back, folding his arms.

Byakuren frowns. "He only means well. It is not just to lash out to those who-"

I raise a hand. "Yo, yo, yo… Byakuren, please. Lemme show this friend… what's good… in the proverbial hood, yo!" I do a little spin!

Stormy blinks.

...I readjust myself and notice his confusion. "I mean I'm going to beat some sense into you."

He grins, and glows with faint energy. "...After all the new shit I've learned here? Oh, I've been waiting for this!"

Oh, boy, yo!

Byakuren steps between us. "Please, compose yourselves! Conflict does not-"

A weak energy bolt strikes Byakuren's face, launched from Stormy's fist. She doesn't flinch… but she steps out of the way.

Frowning, she telekinetically moves the kitchen table aside, and simply observes.

Alright, yo! Time for ass to be kicked… and hopefully not mine!

I draw Swift Brand to play the indecisive neutral grounds…

He punches his fists together. "Simply hitting me isn't going work this time, boy! I've got profound magical powers!"

I simply stare at him. "I will shit in places that will leave you confused for the rest of your life."

…

"I-I'm sorry?" He looks utterly baffled.

I chuck Swift Brand at him, and he raises his arm to deflect it.

"...Hah! You're now unarmed!"

...I pull Flame Salvo from the sack.

"...Oh, right, that bag of tricks. Go ahead, keep tossing them!" He puts up a shield in front of himself. "Toss all of them!"

...I slowly crouch down, and put Flame Salvo on the floor.

He grins. "...Is that surrender?"

I take out the Youkai Inconveniencer.

"...I guess not." His joy falters. "Hurry it up, then."

I focus mana to the hanger, and cast Shine with it!

Fwash!

The orb of light generates at Stormy's point, and launches him into some cabinets. That shield in front of him fell, which I assume was focus powered.

Thud!

"Augh!"

He lands on his knees, and quickly stands again. "Wh-what the blazes was that…? Holy magic?"

I nod. "It's a formality for all clutch plumbers, yo. It's for when you have to deal with holy shit in the septic system."

Stormy groans. "You idiot." Then, his aura glows a white color. "Let's see you try that holy spell again."

I toss the holy hanger to the floor 'cause screw it, and daintily pick up Flame Salvo. If I manhandle that hanger, I'm gonna have a raging inferno on my hands!

...I casually strut towards him, and activate the flamethrower ability!

Fwoo~m!

"Wh-whoah!" He flails wildly. "A-a fire's started! Ah, hooh, hot, hot!"

...His aura changes to red, and the fire slowly goes out while he thrashes about…

"...Wh-what the hell…" He clutches his charred robes, and some patches of his skin.

Is that fear in his eyes? He looks genuinely terrified by the burns. I suppose I would be, too. They probably hurt like hell, too…

Now I feel like an asshole.

"Friends." I casually add, feeling a little awkward.

Byakuren steps forward, noticing how distraught Stormy is about his burns. "This is enough."

…

Stormy looks ready to protest. "But, I-"

"Was nearly burnt alive." Byakuren finishes. "...I would like to speak with Brad. Alone."

Oh, boy.

Stormy grits his teeth. "...Fine."

With that, he leaves the room.

…

Byakuren's gaze washes over me. "...What exactly made you think that level of lethality would be a good idea?"

I shrug. "I never had to worry about that sorta thing! I always just flailed my limbs until things stopped bothering me, and I always did scratch damage. I never had to worry about hurting things that weren't fairies or super asses or, uh…"

...She nodded. "...I believe I have a solution for you, then."

Ooh?

"...It is time for you to learn how to shoot danmaku." Byakuren declares.

…

 _Whaaa-!?_

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

It's not as great as I thought.

I swipe my arm forward, and a single blue orb is generated. It drifts forward slowly, and blinks out as it floats into Byakuren's shirt.

"...You know, with that display of fire earlier…" Byakuren was neutral. "I would have thought you were capable of more."

"Help, no." This is not remotely helpful, even if I wanted to be non-lethal about it. This is _too_ non-lethal!

Byakuren shrugs. "Perhaps, with practice, you may shoot simple streams. I'm sure the Hakurei miko could get you shooting small spreadshots and streams in no time, but, for myself, teaching danmaku's base concepts is not entirely within my ability."

Now that sounds more like it…

"The only problem is that your mana pool would only allow you to create a small sum of bullets, without any spell cards of your own. Even then, your mana pool can likely only sustain one spell card." She smiles sagely. "As such, it might be too inconvenient to use in nearly any setting."

Well. S'not as easy as I thought it would be…! Just goes to show I can't take things for granted, I guess.

It took me five hundred fucking thousand words just to safely go 'yeah I can reliably make a mad dash in the dead of night from the village to the Hakurei Shrine and not get gibbed by wolfmen, spider ladies, and fairies'.

It also took me five hundred thousand words to shoot my first, clinically crippled danmaku pellet.

I nod slowly. "...I wouldn't expect anything less, yo."

...A sheet of paper lands on my face.

I take it off, and read it.

' _Five hundred thousand words, and you're still breaking the fourth wall._ '

Probably Yukari.

"Well, if you're pleased with that, then I suppose we'll end it there." Byakuren decides. We've been out here for like an hour, and it took Byakuren about ten different explanations for me to finally find one that worked. I dunno how Reimu could do anything very different…

"Warmth." I declare.

"...Go warm up." Byakuren adds with a warm smile of her own as I retreat inside the temple.

I pass some monks who give me a very curious glance as I seek out the room with the most heat. There happens to be many rooms without any heat, which is disconcerting.

I pass a tiger lady I forget the name of!

"You, there! Person!" I call her out.

She glances at me.

"I need heat. Bring me to the heat." I request.

…

"Excuse me?" She looks vaguely offended, for some reason.

"He~lp!" I begin jumping in place.

"...Oh." She blinks, shaking her head. "Right. This way…"

Woo.

I'm lead to a cozy little fireplace, with some friends around it…

Ichirin is sitting near it, rubbing her hands together to keep warm.

There's also some fluffles here, also holding their hands out to catch the heat, even though they have absolutely no need for heating.

...I grab the fluffles, and put them inside my suspenders.

...They begin to wiggle around curiously. "im snug"

Ichirin stares at me, disturbed. "What are you doing to them…?"

"Cuddling." I argue. "It's a living, yo."

She shakes her head. "I don't think they like it…"

They're dust mites, friend.

She stands up. "Get them out, now."

I fold my arms. "Dude- they're warm. They like it, too. Right guys?"

A fluffle pokes its little head out from the denim, and looks around.

"im being smooshed"

No, you're not! These suspenders aren't even tight, and I'm as skinny as a rail!

It hid back inside. Tufts of fluff…

Ichirin pouts, and moves towards me. "I said get them out! They're getting hurt!"

No, they're not, you crazy woman! I raise my dukes! "Friend, no, I didn't come to inflict violence!"

Then, Unzan appears... and I'm reminded just how _fucking big_ he is.

Unzan glares at me.

...I drop my suspenders, and the fluffles scurry out.

Ichirin moves to grab them, and hugs them. "Are you okay…?"

...One fluffle headbutts her, and she gushes. "Aawwh!"

Unzan folds his arms, as I put my suspenders back on… "So, uh… fluff nuggets, huh?"

Ichirin turns away from me. "You're not getting your hands on them again!"

Tiger girl sits down on a nearby chair. "Ichirin, they're not pets, they're dust mites."

Thank you! Finally!

Ichirin pouts at her. "You're just jealous you don't get to cuddle with them."

I shrug. "They _are_ pretty snug… but they're also like, mega rats."

Ichirin gasps. "What!? How dare you!"

"Dude- it's true!" I spread my arms. "Yo~. Ding dong, man, ding dong."

She shakes her head, and nuzzles the fluffles closer. "Don't listen to him, he's just being mean…"

"rhino rampage" One of them exclaim.

...Ichirin pauses to give it a weird look, but hugs it tightly anyway.

Tiger lady sighs.

…

After I bake myself in front of the fireplace, I move to engage her in conversation!

"Freshly baked fluff loaf." I nod gingerly…

"I don't get her affiliation with them." She stares at Ichirin vainly. "They're just so… dusty. They make me sneeze."

Is that really the first thing on your mind!?

...I hear someone else approach the room. I turn and look at them…

"Bra~d-ku~n!"

Sweet Jesus, she's still covered in fluffles. How'd she get through the snow!?... Actually, with that fluffle armor, she probably just plowed through it all like a freakin' cuddly tank.

The writhing, humanoid mass of fluffles waddles towards me, pushing towards me by walking into the table.

"Freakin'- yo, yo, yo!" I climb onto said table to avoid being squashed by it. The tiger lady just jumps out of the way and stares at the fluffy abomination with wide eyes.

Ichirin turns, and beams. "Ya~y!"

...I sit on the table as Ha-chan pushes it along. Eventually it reaches a wall, and goes _through_ the wall.

"Oh, balls…" I jump from the table.

Ha-chan continues to stumble towards me! If she can push a table through the wall, that fluffy mass is gonna scrunch me!

I begin running into the halls, as she bounds through the wall itself after me, not bothering to go around it.

"Holy shit!" I yell, looking back at the shattered wall. Tiger lady seems to be attacking the mass, but I dunno if she's even getting anywhere!

"Halt! Trespasser!"

Lady, I don't think those sword slashes are doin' nothin'...!

I pass Stormy, who stops to glare at me.

"Son," I stop in front of him. "You'd better get yer fat ass out of town, son!"

His frown deepens. "Is that how it is?"

Freakin'... "No, dude, look!"

I point at the mass of fluffy terror coming towards us!

His eyes widen. "Oh, what the fuck!?"

"We gotta get out of here before the dust mites eat our souls!" I begin running.

Stormy catches up with me, and we turn a few corners and cut a few rooms, the sound of halls getting blown through adding to our ever increasing dread.

"We need to find Byakuren." Stormy decides. "She's the only one who can stop this thing's insatiable hunger..."

"Bra~d-ku~n!"

Ha-chan's haunting voice, yo! She was a good fairy while she lasted…!

We eventually come to the kitchen again, where Murasa was managing some pots.

"...Oi, it's the junior captain!" Murasa grins at Stormy. "How goes things?"

"Fluffle horde!" He declares, moving to the room's exit.

"No, son, we gotta stop it here!" I boldly declare, standing my ground.

He stared at me like I was insane. "Wha-how!? Unless you plan on burning it, which'll burn the temple-"

"No, son, we just gotta beat the crap out of it!" I declare, pulling out Tundra Bloomer.

Murasa was confused. "The hell're you both blabbering about?"

The door frame bursts open as Ha-chan crashes through it. "Braaa~d!"

"Sweet sinking sailboats!" Murasa quickly tosses the pot she was carrying onto the counter, and pulls out a freaking giant anchor from what I can only assume is her ass, because it couldn't fit anywhere else. Actually, it wouldn't even fit up there, now that I think about it…

"Anchors awa~y!"

She tossed it at the fluffy menace.

Poof!

Oh, man, that dust storm. Fluffles flew off of the mass, but then the mass itself proceeded to assimilate the anchor.

"...Back to dinner, then." Murasa moped, going to pick up the pot again. "Stupid, dusty Leviathan…"

...Tiger woman was back there, still hacking away. She was getting tired, though. "Why…" Shwing! "Won't…" Shwing! "You…" Shwing! "Die…?"

Shwing!

…

Her sword got stuck. Fluffles began crawling up it, and onto her. "What!? No, no- achoo! Noo~! A-achoo!"

"Shou~!" Stormy yelled.

Oh, right, that's her name. I freakin' forgot.

"That's it…" Stormy cracked his knuckles. "It's time to kick their asses."

He held up his fists, and formed some sort of grey aura around himself. "I'm unstoppable!"

He punched the mass, and his arm got stuck.

"...Huh. I might have underestimated them."

He slowly got pulled into the fluffy mass. "Let me know when you find a solution! I don't have all day to waste in here!"

"Alright, yo!" I call out to him.

For some reason, I don't think hitting it's gonna work…!

I run into the halls again. I'll have to improvise, yo!

Using Tundra Bloomer, I ram a door with it until it flies open. "Doodoodoo~! Hero service!"

A monk of some sort, sitting on his bed, gets up. "U-uh!? Who are you!?"

I walk up to his nightstand, and begin ramming it, bashing parts off of it. "Aaaa~h, aaaa~h!"

He leaped from his bed and started to wrestle with me. "That's mine! State your name or die, trespasser!"

What buddhist says that!?

The wall bursts open, Ha-chan bounding through in her giant katamari of fluff. "Waaaa~l!"

The monk's jaw drops. "Whaaa~t!?"

I grab his collar. "You did this! You coulda prevented this! You fuck!"

The fluffles flow into us.

"Aaaaa~h!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Byakuren pulled me from the dusty menace, and Ha-chan came out with me, latched to my arm.

"That was fu~n!" She bounced in place, hugging my arm the whole while. "There was snow- lots of snow- and I got rid of it all- and then I found Brad- and then- and- walls…"

Byakuren giggled softly. "I see… If this was your doing,"

She pulled Ha-chan closer, and stared into her eyes.

"I assume you'll be helping with repairs?"

Ha-chan froze. "U-...Uhm, I…"

"Good." Byakuren smiled. "Otherwise, you would be punished. Harshly."

...Ha-chan slouched. "Auuuu…"

...Byakuren reached into the broken mass of fluffles, again, and pulled out Stormy.

He takes a deep breath, "Hoo~h…!" and looks around. "...It's about bloody time! How long was that, thirty minutes? I was starting to sweat!..."

He hugs himself. "Actually, it's cold out here. Can I have half those dust devils?"

Byakuren flings him aside. "Woa~h!"

She reaches in, and pulls out Shou.

"A-achoo! Achoo!" She rubs her nose. "A-ah, B-Byakuren, I…"

Byakuren sets her down on a nearby table.

"...Th-thanks."

...She reaches in again, and pulls out-

...S'dat Koishi!?

The green-haired girl was hugging a fluffle, petting it absentmindedly. She looked around once exposed.

"A-ah!"

She jerked herself from Byakuren's grasp, somehow, and-

…

"You might have missed, Byakuren!" Stormy calls out, now seated on the edge of the table Shou is on. "You didn't pull up anyone that time!"

Byakuren grasps the air with her hand a few times. "...I seem to have not. That's… peculiar."

Wow. A freakin' blunder from Byakuren Hijiri, yo! "Now you know how I feel with those claw machines, yo."

Stormy snorts. "Oh, those things. Damn, that brings me back…"

You know what a temple that encourages buddhism needs? A claw machine. You spend money for material possessions? Well, now you have no money, and no possessions. Tough.

...Or maybe that's gambling, which is also discouraged. Hnnngh…

Byakuren scans the fluff pile, but seems to see no one else of importance. Wait…

She reaches in again, and pulls out that monk I barged into the room of.

...He wipes his mouth. "Disgusting. What is the meaning of this…?"

Byakuren smiles. "A simple intrusion by local wildlife."

"...Hmph." He fidgets under Byakuren's smile. "W-well… do better."

Byakuren drops him back into the fluffs, and they scurry about in surprise.

"honh honh honh honh"

Yeah, that noise has been like, a constant for the past hour or so. That, and 'waal'.

Stormy punts a few who near him. "I take it these are all the crappy common toys, then?"

I nod. "Speaking of common, these guys spawn like rabbits." Where exactly do they come from? Do they… do they just spawn from dust? Freakin' eldritchian nightmare nuggets!

Byakuren begins to leave the room. "I'll have someone come down to clean it up momentarily."

"You _do_ that, Byakuren. I have no idea what I could have done without your standby janitorial team." I smile, and prop my arms at my side. "Thanks, Byakuren."

Byakuren, unsure of what to make from my comment, gives me a stare before leaving the room.

…

Stormy snorts. "Standby janitorial team…"

Shou stares at the fluffles, who are now pooling up at the bottom of the room. "...A-achoo! Ughh… That's another bad thing about them. They're everywhere…"

"Honestly, I can't stand the sight of them." Stormy admits. "After that one failure aboard my precious vessel, I've had it up to here with the little mongrels."

Ha-chan hugs my arm again. "Th-that lady was scary…"

I smile at her. "Yeah. She is." Ha-chan, sometimes your juvenile mannerisms are endearing. I say this because your breasts are hugging my arm, too, and you also look incredibly cute like that.

While I'm busy being creepy, a familiar face enters the room.

"Wawawawa…!" Kyouko freezes in place, immediately shocked by the sheer density of fluffles. "Wh-what happened here…!?"

"We got bumfunkled." I sigh, _deeply_. " I dunno, dude. Help."

She uses her broom to try and keep some fluffles in the room, but some flow out anyway as she steps in and closes the door.

…

"What am I supposed to do!?" Kyouko jittered in place, as the fluffles slowly climbed onto her. "Ge-get off!"

Stormy stops sitting on the table's edge to move to help her. "Stay still, Kyouko. I've got you."

Kyouko puts on a brave face while Stormy moves up to her and begins tearing the nuggets from her.

A fluffle reaches her head, and begins slapping her with its fins.

"...A-aaah…!" She lets out a little whine…!

Stormy rips it off, and throws it across the room. "These damn things…!"

I huff, as if extremely annoyed. "That's it, dude. Time to mash some tater tots."

Breaking from Ha-chan, I climb into the table, and start jumping on it.

Shou's eyes widen. "What are you doing? You're going to-"

Bam!

The table legs break, and it falls down onto the fluffles, crushing some of them.

"Waaaa~l!"

They all start getting feisty!

"What!? No!" Shou swings her sword around as fluffles assault her anew.

Kyouko drops to her knees. "Aah-aaaa~h!"

Stormy frowns. "Oh my god! These damned dust people…!"

...I look around for the monk guy, and see him resting on his bed, ignoring the activities around him, or trying.

Ha-chan smiles. "They're _nice._ "

...I pick up some fluffles, and toss them on him.

"Gggh…" He groans, and rolls over, then notices me. "You…"

I wiggle my fingers at him.

He tries to climb out of bed, only for the fluffles to make him trip and fall upon them while trying to get up.

"Woah!"

Knee deep in the fluffles, dude! Rip and tea~r!

I pull out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber. "I'm gonna get mine, get outta my way, 'cause there's gonna be hell to pa~y!"

Stormy looks over, and his eyes widen. "You fucking- don't do that, no!"

I toss it down into the fluffles.

Bam!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"...I'm not sure what to think, anymore."

Byakuren neutrally stared at all of us. We all sat in some sort of empty room, again, with doors. Ha-chan went _somewhere_ , and I dunno where.

"We need to do something about them." Shou declares. "They're simply too destructive to allow to infest temple grounds."

"I agree wholeheartedly." Byakuren nods. "The only problem is enforcing this. As they are literally as common as fleas, this proves difficult."

"Wh-why don't we get Nazrin to help?" Kyouko wonders.

"She did." Byakuren explains, "The fluffles began retaliating with odd structures of their own, and eventually overwhelmed her mice forces."

"Whaa~t!?" Stormy's jaw dropped. "The little bastard _lost!?_ To _them!?_ "

Byakuren nodded. "They used such strange machines, that Nazrin began to fear for her people."

Stormy brewed. "...I see their innovation is not limited to others."

…

He turns to me. "You. Have you encountered more of them?"

I shrug. "I saw some worrisome machines awhile ago, but it was like, a _while_ ago. They were giant, shockwave inducing pistons that tore up the earth and could become giant whirling blocks of death."

…

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that?" Stormy looked skeptical. "It sounds more like you just described a sci-fi siege weapon."

...It pretty much was!

"...This is worrisome news, indeed." Byakuren nodded. "I think it best that we all maintain high vigilance."

Yeah, no shit. Nah, if we see a horde of death pistons, we're just gonna open a good book and try to ignore them.

"So, basically no plans, then?" Stormy summarizes. "Well, that's fucking great. Maybe we can let them dismantle the temple itself while we're at it."

"Hush, you." Byakuren ignored him. "I am sure that we are perfectly safe, at the moment. The creatures are little more than annoyances, thus far."

Only because they _want_ to be. If they wanted to barrage us, I feel like they very well _could._

"I got an idea, yo." I grin smugly.

All eyes are on me…!

"We hit them, repeatedly." I hold up Swift Brand to illustrate my point.

…

"Absolute genius." Byakuren nods sagely. "I can't believe we hadn't thought of that before."

Wait, really?

Stormy jerks his head back. "Wh-...what?"

…

"Really?" I ask aloud. I'm honestly-

"Fufufu..." Byakuren gets up, and begins walking away. "No. That will be all."

Oh. Freakin' noob.

"Dinner is ready, by the way." Byakuren calls to us from the other room.

Oo~h!

We navigate to the kitchen, where Murasa sat at the end of the table. Everyone got complex meals!

I pull out a chair-

"Oi, oi, lad, what're ya thinkin'?" She speaks up. "You go sit with the Stormbringer boy."

Hmm?

I look around, and see Stormy is sitting at a small table with tiny chairs. There's an open chair for me, and two adjacent chairs that seat fluffles.

"...Why do you even _have_ a kiddy table?" What the frik.

Murasa grins. "We actually made it specially for him, 'cause he was bein' a big baby at the table."

"We don't speak of that!" Stormy yells. "...Just get your arse over here."

Alright, alright, yo!

I sit down, and notice my plate has PB&J and peanuts on it. I actually prefer that to the more extravagant meals, 'cause I'm a picky eater!

Stormy is eating freakin', what looks like bagels.

The fluffles don't have anything on their plates, 'cause they're fookin' fluffles.

...I take one of their plates and hit them over the head with it, shattering the plate.

"...Waaa~l!"

Stormy chuckles. "Yeah, fuck you."

"Hey, hey! They cost money, you know! We can't just _grow_ plates!" Murasa calls out to us.

Others enter the room, but I don't pay them much attention.

I turn my attention to Storm meister here. "So, yo! Glows and stuff!"

He stares at me dryly. "Hmm?"

"That thing with the auras!" I inquire.

"Oh, right." He glances at the remaining fluffle. "Byakuren taught me how to treat myself against a variety of elements. It's been a few months of practice, but I can get around twenty percent resistance with each aura. It eats away at my mana like a son of a bitch, though…"

I nod. "I have assembled war machines."

"Yeah, I noticed." He looked down for his bagel, only to find a fluffle angrily crawling all over it. "Fuck."

...I see the other fluffle edging towards me. "Son, no." I push it back, only for it to get frisky and hug my hand. "Yo!"

...From under the nearby cabinets, more fluffles come!

"Oh, gods be damned!" Stormy stands up. "They're attacking!"

Throwing the other fluffle from my hand, I draw the Youkai Inconveniencer! "That's it, son! You've done incurred my wrath!"

I begin whipping it at the fluffles, since it is like a flail in a way, and they begin shattering into dust. There are, however, too many, and they eventually swarm the table and tip it over.

...The other table looks over at us vainly.

One of the large cabinets open, and a tubby fluffle prances out, about as tall as me.

"Hya~h!" I whip at it repeatedly, until it gets sad and goes back inside.

After awhile, the fluffles all retreat under the cabinets, or out of the room.

…

The other table resumes their focus purely on their dinner. Ichirin looks peeved, but contains herself.

Stormy sighed. "Little dirt bags…"

Ho ho…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Later that evening, we sat in the wash room! I finally took a bath in the first time since the many days ago I took a bath in the hotspring. The tubs here were tiny, but when you're a buddhist, yo, I guess a buddhist's gotta do what a buddhist's gotta do.

I still have the Youkai Inconveniencer out, too. It was fun!... That, and there were fluffles in the bath.

Ichirin kneeled next to a small tub of water, holding a fluffle as it practiced its strokes. "Alright! You're doing good!"

Those ti~ny little fins, dude.

Murasa stared vainly down at it. "...Y'know, with those materials-"

"Shut up!" Ichirin refuted.

"-it probably can't even swim without you holding it." Murasa decided.

Ichirin glared at her. "It's only 'cause they don't know how! Look…" She lets go of the fluffle, and while it keeps stroking its little fins, it sinks to the bottom of the tub.

…

"Wa-a-a-a-a~l!" It wails, the cry distorted by the water.

Ichirin rescues it, even though fluffles are incapable of drowning. "There, there. It's all right… Do you need air?"

"honh"

She takes it out. "You poor thing… It was all Murasa's fault. Honest."

"The thing don't care, lass." Murasa sighed.

Ichirin got up, and carried the fluffle away.

…

"She worries me, sometimes." Murasa decided.

I nod slowly. "Tiny fins."

"... _You_ worry me." Murasa also decided.

Stormy walks into the room, with some other guy. "Yeah, man, the wash room's right here. Find me when you're done."

The man raises his hand appreciatively. "Thank you very much, sir."

Stormy leaves.

I get a good look at the dirt-caked man's face…

It's Albus.

He notices me.

…

"You." Albus begins.

"Son." I begin.

Murasa's brow raises. "You two know each other?"

I nod. "All those dead youkai around the human village, with bullet holes."

…

Her eyebrows raise. "No shit, huh?"

I see him begin to draw his flintlocks.

"Nope! Fu~ck that!" I exclaim. Not getting shot again, damn it! That shit hurts!

I toss the wash tub the fluffle was in at him, and it soaks him. "Grah!"

Bang!

Wherever that bullet went, it wasn't near me.

Murasa jumps away. "Woah! Put that flintlock away, lad! That ain't no toy!"

I begin running out of the room!

Out here, I see Ichirin walking away with that fluffle. I begin to run towards her.

"You can't escape."

I hear Albus teleport in behind me. "Glyph in bullet!"

With my still-drawn Youkai Inconveniencer, I point it at him. "Shine, bitch!"

The holy blast generates at his point. I see him endure it without even getting knockback, but it interrupts his glyph bullet.

I follow Ichirin into her room.

"Yo!"

Her eyes widen, and she jumps away from me. "Why-why're you in here!?"

Unzan starts to materialize!

"I'm getting chased by gunmen! Hide me!"

"Get out, get out, get out!" Ichirin starts stomping the floor.

"You can't hit me…"

Albus teleports into the door. I dive for the bed!

Bang! Bang!

He fires both his flintlocks vaguely in my direction. He's more distracted by the _giant pink genie_.

"Youkai! I should have known!" Albus gritted his teeth, backpedaling out of the room.

Ichirin turned to him. "And who are _you!?_ "

"Torpor!" He shoots a yellow diamond forward from his gun, and it slowly falls to Ichirin's feet.

Cra~ck!

The crystals cracked as they materialized around Ichirin. "Wh-what!? Noo-!"

Her cries get cut short once she's imprisoned in the crystal.

…

Unzan goes to punch Albus.

"You can't hit me..."

Albus is gone.

Well, shit. Ichirin's frozen solid, so Unzan's not goin' anywhere!

Let's see… can I unfreeze her?

I make a flash with my hanger!

Fwaa~sh!

…

Nope, I only blinded myself.

Unzan folds his arms, glaring down at me.

"Yo, I'm tryin' ta help!" I call up at him. Let's see, does the flashlight work…?

I shine the flashlight on the crystal, and it slowly begins melting. Yo!

… After a while, Ichirin begins struggling and breaks herself from the rest of the crystal. "Haa~h…!"

...She glares at me. "...Thanks, I guess."

"We gotta stop a trigger happy noob!" I exclaim, dashing out of the room.

I hear gunfire elsewhere in the temple.

"Huaaa~gh!"

That wasn't Albus, and it wasn't Stormy… but it was a male. Who got shot?

I run towards the noise, Ichirin following behind me.

We eventually reach a hallway with Albus nowhere in sight, but a male monk is lying on the side of the hall, blood spattering the wall.

"Gh…" His chin quivers, and his legs writhe as he clutches his torso. I distinctly notice a tail of some sort coming from his bum…

Albus is going around and trying to kill all the youkai monks! Oh, shit!

Bang! Bang! Bang!

Code bloody red!

I begin running down the halls, only for Byakuren to whirl past me like a bullet train, sending me spinning after she clipped my arm.

Which fucking _hurt_ , by the way!

"Waa~h!" Ichirin spun around, clipped by her too, only for Unzan to stop her spinning.

We reach the kitchen, again. That's like, one of the few landmark rooms in this place.

Fluffles were hiding under the table. Why can't you bundles of fluff actually be useful and rush the gunman, or something?

Speaking of, the entire temple was quickly devolving into chaos, monks and fluffles running around in the halls.

Nue enters the kitchen, too. "Hey, itchy! What the hell's going on?"

Ichirin pouts. "Nue, there's a guy with guns!"

Nue nodded. "Oh, okay. And that's bad how?"

"He's shooting people!" ichirin continued.

"...That's kinda a problem. Where is he?" Nue grins, cracking her knuckles.

"That's just it. He's teleporting around and shooting people…" Ichirin frowns. "He just wants to kill…"

Nue frowns, too. "Oh, shit, teleporting? No wonder. Yeah, I can see the problem, here."

We hear Albus speak! "It's hopeless…"

He appears next to me. Jesus Christ!

He's not facing me, though. He notices Nue, and fires.

Bang!

Nue dives out of the way, eyes wide.

Bang!

She leapt into the air to dodge the next one.

I swing Youkai Inconveniencer at Albus, and hit him in the arm!

"Guh…" He turns to me, and I begin retreating!

"Igniz Kick!"

Spin kick of flaming doom, except I was out of range!

...I pick up a fluffle, and chuck it at him once he lands.

"Ppfft- ugh!" He tore it from his face-

Bam!

Unzan took the opportunity to _deck_ him, with a single flying fist.

Bam!

Albus flew through the wall, breaking it, and landing outside.

"Guwaaa~h!"

I think that's a wrap, folks.

...Byakuren crashes through the opposite wall, scowling, as she charges through the other new hole after him.

…

She comes back through the hole, holding Albus over her shoulder.

Other temple goers enter the room, and observe the scene.

"...Do you know anything about this?" Byakuren stares directly at me.

"A bit." I confess.

...People quickly begin glaring at me!

"I-I didn't do anything, though!" I defend. "I just know who the dumb bastard is!"

...That puts some glares to rest. Some.

Freakin'...

"Reimu was supposed to interrogate him over at Eientei today." I begin.

"Oh? So he was theirs…" Byakuren notes.

Ehhh… "Not really. They were just holding 'em because of his teleportation thing… which, I guess didn't pan out all too well."

"Apparently." Byakuren observed. She was not in the least bit happy.

She throws Albus onto the main kitchen table, and it breaks from the force with which she did so.

Bam!

"...Whoops." Byakuren smiled ironically.

...Byakuren turns to me. "Explain."

Don't glare at me like I caused this, you freakin' nun!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"...I see, now."

It took thirty minutes of dissuading the conclusions she jumped to, but I've convinced her that me and Albus are not butt buddies of any sort. The crowd's since dispersed, not entirely interested in the details, but some people are nearby just getting snacks 'cause this is the kitchen.

"...Perhaps I should see that the miko gets her prisoner back, then." Byakuren decides.

But first… "How the hell do we keep him out?"

"Just hit him if he wakes up. Simple." Byakuren decides. How kind of you. I'm sure that's what Buddha would do.

…

"So, when're we going?" I wonder aloud.

Byakuren latches an arm around me, and lifts me.

Oh, okay.

"Now."

She also picks up Albus, and leaves through the hole in the wall.

Cold ai~r! Why!?

She floats up, turns in the direction of the shrine, and just flies.

…

She's also freakin' fast when she wants to be!

It's also night-ish, again. I spent most of the day at the temple being an asshole.

"W-woaa~h!" Too fast!

...Then she stops on a dime.

Oof! You're gonna rip me apart, woman!

She lowers to the front of the Hakurei Shrine, and floats up to the door, before sliding it open with her boot, and floating in.

...Reimu wasn't around, unfortunately. Fred was, though. He was also free of his ropes!

"...A~nd then I told 'em… Thaa~s the one…" Fred giddily breathed into Suika's face.

"Awww, that kinda love's tha _best_ love." Suika nods, with a wide smile of her own. "Da cree~py stalkery type."

He was also drunk off his ass.

Fred looked over at us. "O-ooh! Hey, Albusssh~! Ssussh! Guessh~ what? Aye'm drunk! Hahahaha~!"

Suika shook her head. "C'you believe it? Damn village… denied thish young man a drink!"

Albus was still unconscious, by the way.

...Byakuren stared at the drunkards before her. "I see."

I guess Fred's not goin' anywhere.

Byakuren tosses the both of us inside.

Oof.

"...I take it you know where she went?" Byakuren smiles at me. You know, the totally legit 'I'm definitely not about to disembowel you' smile.

Normally, such an assumption would be stupid, but I actually do know! I begin to stand up. "I- uh…" Scratch that; if she was interrogating Albus and Albus wasn't with her, then…

Hmm. Reimu's day became kind of a mess, huh?

"...She should be out looking for _him._ " I point at Albus.

...Byakuren's smile fades. "Oh, dear."

Well. Nuggets.

I hear clacking on the stone outside. I turn to the open door…

Reimu pauses before she reaches the door, noticing people inside.

I wave. "He~y!"

Byakuren notices her, too. "There she is."

Reimu stumbles in, looking a tad ragged. I can tell she's not having the best time!

...She notices Albus, and decides to comment, out of breath. "Where the hell… has he been… the whole day…?"

Hmm. "I dunno, but he showed up-"

Byakuren talks over me. "He appeared at our temple not an hour ago, and started indiscriminately killing my disciples. I speak for my temple, when I say you should-"

"Shut." Reimu asserted, stomping towards Albus.

"-keep better control over-"

"Up." Reimu raised her voice.

"-your-"

"Be quiet!" Reimu snapped, tiredly glaring at Byakuren. Byakuren simply frowned.

…

"He's out." She observes. "I'll have to wait, then."

"...Mea~n la~dy." Fred observes. "Fuaa~ck you!"

Suika begins giggling, and lies back.

Talismans fly from Reimu's left hand at blurring speed.

Th-th-thwack!

"Aa-auuaa~h!"

Thud.

Good job, Fred.

...Reimu sits at the kotatsu.

Byakuren stares. "...Is this everything?"

Reimu stares back at her, now paying attention to her again.

"Is this all you're going to do?"

Reimu kept staring back.

"...It would appear so." Byakuren nodded. "...I will take my leave, then."

She began walking out of the shrine.

"I'd like to see you do better."

…

Byakuren turned to face Reimu. "What was that?"

"Can you be in two places at once?" Reimu asked. "Can you predict the future?"

"...No." Byakuren turned to face Reimu fully. "However, simple precautions could have been taken to combat this."

Reimu rolled her eyes. "Su~re. How about, he woke up here, and shot me, instead? Then nobody would be interrogating him."

Byakuren shook her head. "You say this as if there was no way to restrain him."

"Hah." Reimu let out a humorless laugh.

…

"There is a thing called rope." Byakuren tried.

"What d'you think he got out of?" Reimu scowled. "He was in a _sealed_ room. When Reisen opened the door, the room was empty. He was _locked_ there."

"Perhaps you shouldn't have trusted their security." Byakuren argued.

Reimu sighed. "You try housing the idiot, then."

"I'd rather not put my disciples at any further risk. Nor should I need to." Byakuren declined.

"Exactly. So where do you store a crazed, teleporting killer, if you don't want yourself or others to get shot?" Reimu slowly stood.

Byakuren was silent.

"You lock him in a sealed room, in some mystery forest, miles away. The fact he took _nightfall_ to reach a place as close as the temple…" Reimu trailed off, letting the argument speak for itself.

…

"...I...I'm sorry." Byakuren apologized. "He shot a few disciples… and-"

"Not the person to yell at over that." Reimu sat back down. The exhaustion was visible, yo.

"...I know."

You know… "...Bullet wounds aren't a complete death sentence." I speak up.

They both turn to me.

"What would you happen to know about wounds? I'd imagine someone like you hasn't a fatal wound in their life." Byakuren criticises me.

"Brad. This is something you really shouldn't get involved in." Reimu advises me. "Just shut up."

Oi! "No, seriously. They're just- well, they're actually-"

"Shut up." Reimu, please!

"Probably silver bullets!" I continue. "But-"

"Shut. Up." Reimu continues.

"They should be fine if you take 'em to a doctor!" I blurt out quickly, and cover my mouth with my hands to signal that I was done talking. I then pretend to zip my lips, lock them, and throw away the key.

…

"I'm reluctant to converse with the clinic, if they were the ones to let him go in the first place." Byakuren sticks to her guns.

I dance in place, and point in the direction of the bamboo forest.

...Reimu sighs, staring down at the kotatsu.

"...Very well." Byakuren begins floating away. "If you insist."

I open my mouth again. "Be quick!" Then I close it again!

Byakuren floats away, slowly at first, but rockets off once a good distance from the shrine.

…

"You done?" Reimu glares at me.

Eheh… "Yeah."

...She lies back. "I… I-I… I'd seal his power tonight, but…"

She abruptly sits back up. "I'm going to seal his power tonight."

Daa~h… "Why didn't'cha do that in the first place?"

She glares at me, again. "It takes time and effort, depending on the person, and especially because he's a human, and not a youkai. I need to… I, crap…" She sighed again. "I need chalk, and papers, and… probably a new pair of scissors. Uu~gh…"

Oof.

"...You." She points at me. "Since you think you're so capable, you get to watch mister trigger-happy tonight."

Ho ho! You know, that thought gives me an idea…

I move to Albus, and open his robes. I reach my hands for his gun holsters, only to discover they're zippers of some sort. I reach for the zipper-

Fwam!

A bolt of electric energy forces my hand back. "Ooochies- that _sti~ngs!_ "

"...Have fun." Reimu gets up, and moves her rigid legs, navigating back to her room.

I wonder if she ever saw Patchy today. Probably not.

...I take out Swift Brand, and attack the zipper pouch!

Fwzawam!

The bolt just came out and homed in on me.

"Yeouch!"

Hmmm…

"Oi, Suika."

She's been silent since that exchange with Reimu and Byakuren, pretty much. "Mmm?"

"Can you open this zipper for me?"

She grins, and stands up. "Al~right, ya big bay~by."

Stumbling over, she eventually reaches Albus, and crouches down, reaching for his zip.

Fwawawawawawa-

The zipper sent a constant stream of purple electricity up her arm, but she didn't give a shit. She pulled at it a bit, and-

Ri~p!

...She ripped the pouch itself from the jacket, but didn't open it. The jacket itself began assaulting her with more sparks and streams of electricity, lighting her up like a christmas tree that was decorated with strictly purples shades of bulbs.

"...Hmm?" She hummed in annoyance, noticing the pouch wasn't opened. She began pulling on the zipper, the electricity becoming a deafening roar as it tried harder to dissuade her. She kept tugging, until.

Boom!

She pulled the zipper itself off, which flew through the shrine's roof like a bullet in and of itself. The noise stopped immediately.

Suika snorted. "O-oo~kay!"

...The pouch still wasn't open, though. Suika began trying to tear it apart herself, and suddenly the roaring came back.

Reimu stomped into the room. "What's going on!?"

Suika turned to her, still trying to rip open the pouch. "Thi~s thi~ng!"

Ri~p!

She ripped it in half, and a flintlock fell out.

Reimu's jaw dropped.

My jaw dropped.

A powerful bolt of dark electricity struck Suika in the chest, and she shook a little. "...Boy didn't want me gettin' to hish toys!"

...She held the flintlock to her head, and sniffed it-

Bang!

...The bullet fell from her face. "...S'thish the… newh squirt gun?"

...She shook it, then dropped it on the floor.

Bang!

"La~me. Doeshn't even shoot water…" Suika stumbled back to the table, where Fred was cowering under the kotatsu, his head peeking out from under it.

...Reimu walked up, and took the gun. "Those wards…"

If Suika could do that to his other pouch… yo! "Hey, Suika, can you at least rip off his other pouch?"

"Mmph. Too lazy."

...I dragged Albus to her side.

"...A'right."

She leaned over. Slowly, the electricity's roar began again…

Ri~p!

After a half-hearted pull, Suika tore the pouch from the jacket. "Give it a few moments, Reimsh. It'sh got a lil static!"

Reimu waited until the jacket stopped being angry at the world, and took the pouch.

"...Never mind watching him, then. I'll just… put these in the floorboards. If he runs, I can find'em."

With that, Reimu leaves the room, going back to her bed.

I mean, Albus can still do that flaming kick stuff, so~...

I think I might keep an eye on him.

...Fred crawled out, and smiled at Albus, drunkenly. "Al~! Mate, how're ye?"

Albus is unconscious.

"...Aah, don' gimme tha'... Al, I missed ya… I got tied up, 'n the Hakkie Rei, they… they tied me up."

Albus isn't listening, because he's unconscious.

"I fi~nally got my booze!" Fred beamed triumphantly. "...S'great."

Albus is still unconscious!

"...Oh, Al. D'you think that… that mage'll love me?" Fred got melancholic.

Suika smiled. "No~pe!"

Fred ignored her. "I-...I dunno, Al… She…" Fred began to tear up. "She-she'sh a yoohkai, and-and… Hic! I'm… a human, an-...and…"

"Albus is fucking unconscious." I state outright.

Fred turns to me, and slowly glares.

…

"'Ey man… fook you."

Son.

...Fred slumped over, and began snoring.

...Suika nodded. "S'good idea."

She followed his example, falling onto her back.

Thud.

…

Well, yo. That was a day. It's gonna be a long ass night of watching this teleporting douchebag, so I can-

"Uuugh…" Albus began to sit up.

…

I take out Swift Brand.

Clo~ng!

Albus rested peacefully. He's sawing logs, friends…

…

…

…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

You know, this late into the night, it's kinda an experience.

I've got Youkai Inconveniencer out, and am using it as a flashlight. It also seems, like, far, far easier to cast with when I'm at Reimu's shrine. She's probably got free wifi for holy weapons, or something.

That's good, because I can make it glow when it gets dark, and not fall asleep from my depleting mana.

That said, I don't spend much time wandering around, because it's also cold as balls at night, and as it turns out, Flame Salvo does not get free wifi in holy places. Go figure.

I also tried to be a crafty bastard and channel mana through Youkai Inconveniencer and into Flame Salvo, but nope, it started eating the normal amount. That, or I did it wrong. I might just be clinically stupid like that.

Anyway!

I really like how the dark trees look against Gensokyo's dim landscape. I wanna go out and explore! And, were this not Gensokyo, and were it not all snow swept… I might!

Sadly, because it is Gensokyo, that would mean any number of malicious youkai, fairies, or other assorted mean people, might use my head as a soccer ball. Yea- no. Not happening, yo.

...The shrine door slides open. Whoever that asshole is, they're about to get a free hanger-based whipping!

...Oh, it's Ha-chan. Nevermind.

I lie my head on the side of the kotatsu, turn off the hanger, and pretend to be asleep! To do so, I lie down on my back, my head tilted, but eyes open.

...She quietly, completely silently, somehow, shifts her feet as she nears me. Her upper body doesn't twitch an inch from its rigid posture, until she nears me, form which she begins to crouch, and moves to lie on me. She slips the kotatsu blankets open, and slides under them, wrapping her arms around me.

I hear her sigh.

"Good night… Brad-kun."

…

I kinda need to be awake to beat up mister teleports-a-lot!

But… Ha-chan is incredibly relaxing…

…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 36

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Unknown ice spell acquired?

INVENTORY:

Youkai Inconveniencer - Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives that I mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

Holy Talismans - Provides a holy upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

Electric Talismans - Provides an electric upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out...

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

what is this an ACTUAL OVERARCHING PLOT that isn't just me GRABBING FOR POWER? yo ho ho…!

ho

also can someone GIVE ME FEEDBACK i'd very much appreciate it if you did please and thank you

(preferably telling me what sucks so i can make it not suck in the future!)

ah but you don't have to do anything you don't want to, nor do you have to

as always, see you next time!


	44. Sorrow's Distortion

(in which the human village lacks humanity)

Good morning, world!

"Brazen fluff…" I mutter.

The shrine is now naturally illuminated by morning's light. Ha-chan is still wrapped around my torso, pleasingly enough…

Birds are even chirping!... I think that snow was just a one-time thing.

Aaa~h, quiet, slow mornings. I don't think I particularly mind this.

…

The shrine's door slams open!

"Reimu, where the hell are ya!?"

Holy shit it's Marisa!

She dashes into the room, and looks around, her eyes scanning the room occupants. She also has a big fluffy scarf on.

"Be quie~t…" Fred moans.

Seeing no Reimu, Marisa bolts into the kitchen, proceeding towards her room.

…

Fred looks over to the sleeping figure of Suika nearby. He crawls over to her, and takes her gourd, and starts chugging it.

…

"Reimu! Where were you, ze!?"

…

Fred collapsed on the floor next to Suika, letting out a sigh of relief.

...

Thwack!

"H-hey! No!"

The stomping of feet and clacking of shoes becomes disorganized.

Marisa falls back into the main room.

"Oompf…"

...Reimu walks in behind her, stepping past her and slipping on socks. "Geez… Can I just wake up normally, for once?"

"Reimu, Patchy's like, _pissed._ " Marisa informs her from the floor. "Like, super pissed!"

"She can brew, then." Reimu decides, slipping on her wooden sandals. "I still have a culprit to apprehend."

Marisa's jaw dropped. "Reimu, what're y'doin'!? Who the hell could you need to find, ze!?"

Reimu rolled her eyes. "That youkai hunter from the other day. He, as I thought, escaped again. We took his weapons, though."

Marisa summoned her broom from the shrine's floor, and stood again. "Just point, and I'll shoot, ze!"

Reimu shrugged. "Human village, I think. Brad would know the pubs he frequents and stuff."

No, I don't, actually. That's rather generous of you, to actually say I know things!

Marisa nods. "Cool."

...She walks over to me. I hear her footsteps approach me, and I close my eyes. I'm sleeping, yo, be courte-

Yo, no!

Marisa outright begins trying to lift me. She does a mediocre job of it, but it's enough to make me wriggle uncomfortably. "Y-yo, what the frik…!"

"Get up, ze." Marisa commands me. "We're goin' moron blastin'."

"...We're _interrogating_ him, not blowing him to pieces." Reimu grinned. "I'll be coming with you, anyway, so you don't need to worry about capturing him or anything."

...Marisa lets me plop back down onto the floor. Ha-chan's still freakin' wrapped around me, too.

"What happened to 'shoot first, ask questions never'?" Marisa tilts her head.

Reimu's expression turns neutral. "I tried that. People who can teleport whenever they please are annoying."

Marisa snorts. "Pfft… Where'd he even get an ability like that from?"

"Beats me." Reimu shook her head.

…

"Hey, you." Reimu walks up to me, and starts prodding me with her sandal. "Get up."

I stare at her. "...What would happen, if I said no?"

A yin-yang orb formed over Reimu, and spun slowly in the air. Marisa giggled.

It seems I have no choice!

...I reluctantly break from Ha-chan.

"...Maaauuu~..."

Not so reluctantly anymore! Them yawns, yo. The hell kind of vape're you on, Ha-chan? Not that Gensokyo has that. It probably has cigarettes and other hard drugs in the human village, somewhere, but that crap can rot, for all I care.

Ha-chan's eyes blink open sleepily.

"Hi, friend." I greet her. "We're going on an adventure."

She slowly smiles. "...Yaa~y…"

Aww.

The yin-yang orb vanishes. "Marisa, he'll ride on your broom."

Marisa double-takes. "Wha~t!? You can't be serious, Reimu!"

...Reimu furrows her brows. "You let him do it before. Since _when_ were you shy about this sort of thing?"

"I'm not shy!" Marisa glares at her. "He's just… weird!"

I'm having flashbacks, yo. Oh god, I'm getting triggered! Eeeuugh! Call the hospital!

" _You're_ weird." Reimu counters. "Let's go. Patchouli might give herself a concussion if we don't hurry."

She begins to exit through the shrine doors.

Marisa looks conflicted. "But Reimu, I- ugh…"

...She glances at me, scowling. "...Get on."

Yo! "Alright, yo!"

I hop onto the back of her broom, and hold onto her around the waist area.

Ha-chan gets up, and moves to get onto the broom. Marisa has different plans, and accelerates us just enough to ditch her.

"Waai~t!" Ha-chan begins flying after us. She keeps up decently enough! Then again, Marisa's definitely not going full force forward, 'cause we're already next to Reimu.

Also it's _co~ld_ today! Again! Fucking winter!

Marisa's hat is freakin' big, by the way.

Reimu drifts near the side of us. "Do you think this strange weather is caused by anything, after all?"

Marisa let a moment pass before she spoke, "Ah… I dunno. I thought so myself at first, but uh, it's not snowin' again, so…"

We quickly near the human village from above, and float down to meet the guardsman at the front gate.

It's that mustachio'd man from before.

His eyes meet mine, and mine meet his.

He grits his teeth.

"...Son, no." I held up a hand as I clambered off of Marisa's broom, nearly slipping off and into the snow and stuff.

"You!" He points at me. "Youkai bastard!"

"Son, son, son!" Calm down!

"Those men! Y-you lured them to the Hakurei Shrine!" He rose his sword. "...I will do them the honor, then! For their ideals, I will strike down the three of you!"

...Reimu and Marisa exchanged a glance. Then, Marisa pointed her mini-hakkero at the guy. "Dude, chill out. We don't even know what yer talkin' about, ze."

The man grinned. "Hah. You think that little box of lore scares me? How am I to know it's not an intimidation tactic? I'm willing to bet the word around the village is all lies and superstition."

Marisa snorts. "...You for real? I lived here not too long ago, y'know. Thinkin' like that'll get you gobbled up by a youkai. Truthful or not, if the villagers are scared shitless, you might wanna be, too."

The man's eyes widened. "...So it's true, then. You've become a youkai…"

"Oh, fuck this." Marisa groans, and channels mana into her mini-hakkero.

Fwoom!

A small blast of rainbow energy shot out in the form of a shorter, but still thick laser. It struck the man, and pinned him to the gate.

"Guh…!" He dropped his sword, and clutched his chest. "Y-you monsters…"

Reimu sighed. "I'm going to need to talk with Keine. This is getting ridiculous..."

"Wh-what do you… want with Keine-sensei…?" The man shakily grabbed for his sword, snagging a clump of snow along with the sword. Standing, he got into a steady stance again. "She's done nothing but protect this village!"

Reimu frowned.

Marisa hit him with the same blast.

"Gfua~h!" His sword landed farther away, this time.

…

We all awkwardly watched him fumble for it. He crawled up to it, and pulled it from more snow. "...Y-y...Hhh…"

He stood again, propping himself up with his sword.

…

"You done yet?" Marisa tiredly asked. "'Cause I'm just gonna keep blastin' ya."

"Go ah-head… Kill me."

…

Marisa sidled up to Reimu and spoke in a hushed tone. "This guy's kinda creepin' me out, Reimu…"

Reimu nodded, a worried look on her face. "I _really_ need to talk to Keine. This… it's never been _this_ bad."

I awkwardly walk up to the gate and begin reeling it open while Marisa and Reimu stare uncomfortably at the wannabe martyr.

"N-no!"

He begins to step towards me, only for his legs to give in. He falls to the floor, again.

"Damn it all…"

...I turn to him, staring into his glaring eyes. "No, no, no, son. You gots ta watch your Ps and Qs, or you'll never be a growing boy."

I was met with a silent glare. Marisa grinned, but Reimu just stared at me vainly.

Fun times…

With the gate open, we begin to move inside, while the man watches us.

On the inside, villagers are out and about, doing their usual hustle and bustle. What do they even buy every day?... Stupid question, I suppose, since some of their homes are literally like, ten feet wide boxes with tables inside.

"So, that guy." Reimu begins. "Where's he hang out?"

"Aa~h, down by the pub on corner 'n' tacky, wit' the old boys, yeah? Playin' some bridge'n'hookah." I nod sagely.

…

Reimu gives me the stink eye.

I grin. "Alright, alright, it's that one pub in the main square. The big- but not that giant casino place- one."

Marisa rose a brow. "...There's a couple pubs in the main square, buddy."

Freakin'... "I'll show you guys, then, yo."

We continue forward towards the pub. I take the left towards it, when we pass a very peculiar looking suit of armor on the side of the road.

"Woa~h." I marvel at how glowy and stuff it is! "What the frik."

It was a black suit of armor, trimmed with rainbow colors, which slowly changed every few moments. It was also empty, and unoccupied.

"Oh, hey." Reimu greets it. "Town guards. Have they been weird lately?"

The suit glows a soft blue.

Marisa double takes, and she furrows her brows. "Reimu… you okay, ze? That's… just a suit of armor."

The armor glows a deeper blue, almost going dark.

Reimu turned to her and glared. "Marisa, shush. He's nice."

"He?" Marisa gaped. "He!? It's armor!"

"It's a _youkai_." Reimu corrected. "...Armor youkai."

…

"O-oh…" Marisa wasn't sure what to make of that.

A sound similar to that of one blowing into an empty jug of water emitted from the armor.

Fwooo~...

"Sorry about that…" Reimu smiled sheepishly. "Anyway, those guards…"

The armor let out a sigh of wind again.

Fwooo~...

"...Yeah?" Reimu nodded.

The armor suddenly glowed neon orange.

"They didn't. Really…?" Reimu looked conflicted. "...Alright. I'll see what I can do."

The armor started, uh, dragging across the floor, loudly displacing the dirt as it moved down the road.

…

Reimu turned to us, and met our stares. "...What?"

"N-nothing…" Marisa grins awkwardly.

"How did you _understand_ a sentient suit of armor?" I feel left out!

"Oh." She rolls her eyes. "It's not hard, if you pay attention. It expresses itself through colors and intent. You just have to focus on its mana."

"Aa~h…" Marisa suddenly got it. "Shit. Why didn't I think'a that?"

I~... do not know how to do that!

"He basically said he got attacked by them earlier, but they couldn't do anything, so he ignored them. The guards gave up." Reimu had a bitter expression. "Just what is Keine doing…?"

With that, we continued to the pub!

Walking inside, I find once again that it smells heavily of freakin' booze. Oof.

Marisa took a big sniff. "Oh~ man, it's _this_ place. Memories, ze."

Pffft…

Reimu rolls her eyes. "We're not here to drink, you. Stay focused."

Unfortunately, I don't immediately see Albus the Pal...bus.

Komachi's here, though. I move up next to her, and begin communicating. "Hello, friend."

She turns to me. "...Who're you?"

...Oh, right. Took my Kaguya wig off, earlier.

I take it out again, and put it back on.

Komachi instantly recognizes me. "He~y, it'sh the guy!"

I'm not sure how much of me you've totally scrambled in that drunken brain of yours, Komachi. Time to ask her if she's seen-

"How y'doin'?" She wraps an arm around me and holds me close, pressing my cheek against hers.

Oh… okay, then…!

Clonk.

Komachi's head hits the table and her grip releases. I look back, and see Reimu has clubbed her with her gohei.

…

Komachi turns to her, a soft glare on her face. "Oi, you mind… oh. Hey, Reimu!"

Reimu points at me. "You. Over here."

Wat. "I was tryin'a-"

"Over. Here."

Hnnngh.

I move to Reimu's side again. Komachi smelled like booze, anyway…

"Hey, thash my… woman?" Komachi furrows her brows at me.

Komachi, please.

...Reimu grabs one of my hands, and smacks it with her gohei. "Hey...!"

"Bad." Reimu chided me.

That sti~ngs! "I was trying to interromagate her! I didn't expect her to-"

Reimu holds a finger to her lips. "...Let me show you how it's done."

Marisa smiles. "Ask questions never?"

Reimu looks sheepish. "...That depends. I don't do that _all_ the time."

Komachi rises from her seat. "Reimu, now you've done… made me mad!" She pulls her scythe from under the bar stools, and slings it over her shoulder.

Shi~ng!

It sticks into the wooden counter. The barkeep's eyes widen, and he steps back. "What-what the hell!?"

Komachi pulls on it again. "...Ah, shit." It's stuck.

...Reimu walks up to her.

Whack!

"Al-alright! A-I'm sorry!" Komachi raises her arms defensively, fearful of another bonk on the head.

"Have you seen any suspicious guys?" Reimu begins the interrogation.

...Komachi smirks. "What _kind_ of suspicious?"

Reimu stares at her blankly. "You know. The incident kind."

"...Mmm." Komachi folds her arms. "...I wash kinda hopin' you meant the _sexy_ kind."

Oh.

…

"But…" Komachi cracks her neck a bit. "Yeshterday. This dude talkin' about uh, raping youkai or shomething…"

Reimu's eyes widen. "Wh-what…?"

"...You were there." Komachi points at me. "Hit him, not me."

Ey, mate… fook you.

Fred's funny when he's drunk himself into oblivion.

Reimu stares at me expectantly.

"...Alright, so yeah, Albus was here yesterday." I begin.

Marisa nods, slowly grinning. "A~nd he had a great sex scandal in the works?"

I shake my head. "Nope. That's Fred."

…

"Who the fuck's Fred?" Marisa appears bemused.

"Fred Fuckstone." I nod in satisfaction… "He's a grand dad." It's hip to force memes!

Reimu was getting tired of this run-around, if her furrowing brows meant anything. "Explain."

"He's that little mage fellow you guys pulled in the other day. He's back at the shrine, drinking himself into a alcoholic grave."

Komachi snapped her fingers. "Thash right! He wanted _booze_ real bad! They didn't sherve 'em here…"

Marisa looked unimpressed. "That guy? He had pretty mediocre mana… I thought he was just some priest or somethin'."

Time to drop the bomb. "Yeah, he wanted to capture Patchy and lock her in a sex dungeon. He had a whole plan, with hypnosis spells, and everything."

…

Without any words, Marisa broke from us and left the pub.

"Marisa! Mari- ugh…" Reimu called out to her, but she refused to listen.

…

Whack!

 _Fuck!_ What the hell!? That one actually hurt!

I clutch my jaw as Reimu grabs onto me. "Come."

Jesus Christ, you've got a grip of iron! Let me walk- hey!

"You're _fucked_ now!" Komachi exclaims mirthfully, pointing at me as I get dragged away. "Hahaha~!"

…

I'm being literally dragged along by Reimu now.

She lets go of me once we reach the village square. Then, she helps me get into a standing position. How kind!

"So…" Uhhh… "Honestly? That pub was all I had to go on." I hold my arms up in a sheepish shrug.

Reimu sighed. "Great..." She rubbed her temples. "Grea~t."

Reimu's sad, friends…

"Let's try the guard headquarters." Reimu decided. "That can't go worse than the pub."

"We are going to be shot in the face with _all_ the arrows." I predict. "Then they will breed with our corpses."

Reimu turned to me, and made a pensive face… "...I'll just shoot them back, then."

...No~ comment on the last part? Sure, friend…

A short walk leaves us at the guard headquarters.

"...Ladies first." I tell Reimu, moving to the side. More than I already was, that is.

Reimu shrugs, and moves up to the double doors…

On the inside, no one notices us immediately…

However, when Reimu nears the left-most desk, the man at the counter gasps. "H-Hakurei? What are _you_ doing here…?"

"Albus. Youkai exterminator. We have words." Reimu smacked her gohei against her open hand.

The old man at the counter looked ready to shit himself! "R-right away, miss Hakurei! Uhm…"

He sifts through files on his desk in an absent-minded manner. "...Oh! He's in the next room. He's.. re-requested to not be seen…"

"I don't care." Reimu declares, proceeding to the next room, swinging the door open violently as she does so.

On the other side, an average-looking man moves to stop her. "What're you doing here? My exterminator expects _privacy_."

Brave man, he is…!

He attempts to stand eye-to-eye with Reimu.

Reimu glares back.

…

"Se-seriously…" The man looks more vain. "Why are you here…?"

"Words."

With that, Reimu pushes him aside.

In the room proper, Albus is sitting in this big comfy chair, staring up at the ceiling.

Reimu stomps up to him, and he suddenly snaps to attention. "Ha-Hakurei!? Here!?"

He's grabbed by the shirt collar. "We need to _talk_."

"Heh…" He grins.

His voice echoes throughout the room. "You can't catch me."

Then, Albus is nowhere in sight.

...

Reimu grits her teeth, She pushes past me, and runs out the door of the guard headquarters, dashing faster than I thought would be possible for someone wearing wooden sandals. Like, yo... from zero to sixty.

Just like that, I am left to stand awkwardly in this holding room, or something.

…

The average guy walks up to me. "Sorry about that… uhm… you weren't interested in hiring an exterminator, right? They're all, um… gone." He looks around the room to accentuate his point, wincing as he does so. "Yeah…"

Considering Reimu just ditched me, I suppose I'll hear about what went down later! I'm not bothering to hunt any of the busy people down, yo.

"Actually, I came by to order some fluff stuffs." I nod gingerly. "Do you have any?"

"...No?" He looks confused.

Dang. "Nevermind, yo, nevermind. Are you hiring?"

He nods. "Uhh… Y-yes, actually! Can you fight youkai?"

I nod. "Yeah, yo."

The man clears his throat. "Ahem. Right, well… welcome to the Human Village Guard Headquarters. My name is George, and I'll be your... 'contractor'."

Yo. "Why the pause?"

"I'm technically supposed to manage you and see how you do jobs and teach and all that, but-" He stepped up next to me, and spoke quietly. "I can't fight at all… Sorry. It-it's just the only job I can do, so..."

He coughed, stepping away. "I never said that. Anyway…!" He clapped his hands together. "What can _you_ do? I don't mean to offend, but, I'm not going to hire some guy who's just going to get brutally murdered on day one."

I take out Tundra Bloomer from my sack!

"...Oka~y." He's not impressed, yet. "What can you do with it?"

I channel mana into it, and slam it into the floor!

A small spike of ice shoots up from the floor near George.

"Ho-holy…!" He flinches, and curls his limbs towards his body to defend himself. "Dude, don't do that!"

Hyonk!

"...Alright, fine, you're hired!" He frowned. "...Jeez."

Yo~! "How much do I get paid?"

He shrugs. "Depends on the job."

Oh.

"Do you have any jobs?" I don't see why he would, all things considered…

"Yes, actually." He nods. "There's a youkai disturbance along the south end of the village."

Yo… which way was south?

"It's worth about five thousand yen."

...That's not a lot of money, is it? I don't think…

Regardless, I stand ready! "Just tell me what direction south is, and I'll be on it, sir!"

He grins. "That's what I like to hear! Also, south is that way." He points.

…

I thought that was _north!_

"I'd recommend you prepare yourself for combat, but I'm sure you knew that, already." He instructs me, yo! I feel like a real exterminator already!

"Who'm I up against, yo?" Know thy enemy, and know thyself!

George shrugs.

Shit.

"You can't miss it, though." He waves it off. "Trust me."

...Is it a boss fight? Oh, boy…

"By the way…" George tossed me something small.

I caught it, and took a good look at it…

Du~de!

"Youkai Exterminator's badge." George smiled. "Welcome to the team."

He extends his hand for me to shake it, and I do…

Wait…

Hold the phone. Hold the freakin' phone!

"You." I point at him. "You used to be a guardsman, didn't you?"

He froze. "...I-I don't know what you're-"

"Back during the headless hooligan incident!" I pointed at him. "You saw me walk in with Kaguya Houraisan and Fujiwara no Mokou! Chapter eight, remember?"

He slouched. "Alright! It's true! I _used_ to be a guard! Now look at me." He glares at me, spreading his arms. "Look at me! I'm some fucking… failure. Some failure who hires _freaks_ to kill other _freaks_."

Then, he crouches down onto the floor, and takes a seat.

…

He looks up at me, as I stare at him awkwardly. "What're _you_ looking at!?"

I raise my hands defensively. "Oh- nothing, son, just, uh, just seein' myself out…"

Slowly, I make my way out, and close the doors behind me as I do so. I pause as I feel something brush the back of my head.

"Oi…"

I turn to see, infact, multiple nooses hanging from a gap.

"Hoo~h!" I dash out the doors!

…

Outside the HQ, I pump my fist!

Alright! It's time to go be the toon, that I always wanted to be!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

This was _not_ what my idea of a 'youkai disturbance' was like.

"Aaaa~h!"

Ha-chan ran down the road, a gaggle of town guards and some dudes in priest robes chasing her.

"Stop the Grand Fairy!"

"She's going to summon a horde!"

"Somebody! She's going to steal my store from me!"

...I'd like to ask that last dude how that'd even _happen._

Also, are manor fairies more powerful than wild fairies?... I'm gonna say that's a resounding 'no', because a lot of the indoor types don't pump you full of bullets for pissing them off, most times.

"He-he~lp!" He-chan flailed her arms, alternating between flying and running as she kited the guards around. Arrows flew at her, but they had immense trouble with her mobility. Some holy bolts flew at her from the priests, and some of the guards that hit each other even got bandaged up with what I assumed was healing magic.

It was a giant clusterfuck, in short.

I raise a hand. "Hey, uh, guys… Could you stop?"

A priest in flashier robes stops, and turns to me. "You! Are a youkai conspirator!"

I take out the badge, and flash it.

"...You! Are not a youkai conspirator!" The priest turns away from me. "Ahem… s-sorry."

He claps his hands together. "Alright, everybody! A youkai exterminator has been sent to handle this dire conflict!"

All the guards cheered!

"This man, is him!" The priest points to me, and suddenly holds up one of my arms.

The cheers quickly become far more sedated. Freakin' noobs!

"...He also requests privacy in this matter!"

Guards groan, and begin to break away from their horde, slowly meandering back down the road. I could swear a few flipped me off, too.

The priest stares me in the eyes, frowning. "I trust that you can handle this?"

"No, that fairy's probably going to pin me to the floor and have fruit-flavored sex with me." I admit. "The entire village is doomed, a~nd the fairy armada'll be here by sundown. We have _no_ chance to survive, please make your time."

His jaw drops.

...I grin widely. "Just kidding, yo, I got this!"

...His jaw never went back up.

"...Hey, son?" I wave my hand in front of his face.

...He falls over onto his back.

…

Ho~h, shit…!

Yeah, uhm, right. Casually, I walk away from the grand priest person.

Noticing the guards leaving, Ha-chan timidly steps towards me. "B-Brad-kun…?"

I wave at her. "I'm right here, yo."

I move to pull her into a hug.

"Brad-kun!"

Aaa~h… I wonder if I can turn this into a romantic moment? Yo~!

I move back, and stare her in the eyes.

"Ha-chan…"

She smiles. "Brad-ku-"

Pi~chun!

Oh, god _damn_ it!

Albus runs by me, booking it as fast as possible as talismans and yin-yang orbs rain down across the plaza. One orb happened to just _clothesline_ Ha-chan.

That's it. You fucked up, Al. You're done. Dead. Gone. If God had wanted you to hunt youkai, he would not have created _me!_

I take out my Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber and the Escape Plan. I see Reimu fly by me, nearing Albus. Once she nears him, however, he turns, and smirks.

"You can't hit me…"

He teleports next to me, spares me a glare, and keeps running. Reimu stops on a dime, and starts on him again.

I think I see what's goin' on… Reimu passes me again, too.

Turning in the opposite direction, I find a section of walling, jump, and slam it with the Bawmber!

Boom!

I forgot how much this _hu~rts!_

The force, my pain, and The Escape Plan's effects all combine, and I'm sent flying into the air!

Rocketing past a surprised Reimu, I discard the Bawmber-

Blam!

-pray to all that is holy that I didn't hit the shrine maiden, and draw the Market Gardener!

If this doesn't work, I'm going to be admitted to Eientei as a cripple!

With Albus in my sights, I near him and the floor. This better fucking work…!

I aim for his head, but he jerks to the side unexpectedly. Shit…!

The hanger strikes his shoulder. Good enough!

"Whuaa~h!?"

With my movement speed neutralizing from the impact, I'm sent tumbling with the injured Albus.

"Guh!" That was me, by the way. By the way, humans are a _lot_ more fucking fragile than RPG characters.

Seriously, my arm! Holy fuck! It's a damn good thing this was long-sleeved… not that it helped much in some places, but…

"Guwaaa~h!" Albus, please. This is like, the second time.

We stop sliding. Albus is face down in the dirt, and I'm lying on my back, gritting my teeth.

Ou~ch. Ouch ouch ouch.

...Reimu stops next to us, and kneels next to me. "Wh-what the…!? What happened!?"

With strain, I utter… "Pain."

Reimu, though frustrated, grins. "You idiot… What the he-...What did you do to yourself?"

She tryin' not to swear? Ho ho. I'd find that more amusing if I wasn't half-dead.

"M-my fortune is yours for the taking…" I grin widely. "But you'll have to find it, first. I left everything I own… in one piece."

That statement's not technically wrong!

Reimu shakes her head. "Stop it, you. I'll… I'll find you help." She decides. She looks at Albus, and bares her teeth, frowning.

"Uuugh…" Albus tries to prop himself up on his arms-

Thwack!

"Uurgh…"

Thud.

Reimu lifts Albus over one shoulder, then moves to me.

Is she uh…?

Woah! Alright, yeah, she's lifting me upon her other shoulder! Holy frik.

I'm amazed. My stick-like arms are larger than her stick-like arms. But she can lift people, and I can't.

What the fuck, world?

With our weight on her shoulders, she's forced to walk along the path…

"It's the Hakurei miko!"

"We've got her now!"

Oh, look. It's people in those priest robes from before, except now they're in dark purple robes! Ooo~h, scary!

They begin shooting… holy bolts.

You know, I think you guys didn't plan out that whole 'being evil' shtick really well! It's a little more indepth than just dressing the part!

Anyway, yeah. We're being surrounded by dark-coated twats from the not-so-shadows of the village alleys.

Reimu begins running with us on her shoulders. I can feel her panting and struggling to hold us both as she bares through the strain of dashing down the crappy dirt road in shitty traditional wooden sandals.

I'm not gonna lie, Reimu's some kinda fucking _super hero_. Jesus Christ.

"Stu-stupid…" I hear her half-coherently mumble, being busier trying to breathe as she runs down the village roads. We get hit by a few holy bolts, but I honestly couldn't give a crap. Albus is unconscious, and Reimu has holy resistance, so we're pretty much fine.

We eventually begin weaving through some back alleys near the edge of the village, losing the dark buggers to the walls. Then, we come out in front of a familiar shop.

It's the Kirisame Magic Goods Store!

Reimu kicks the door a few times before it swings open, and she dashes inside.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I sat behind the counter with old man Kirisame and downed like two health potions.

"Hoo~h, boy." He grins. "The hell'd you do, son? Get caught in traffic?"

How does he even _know_ that expression when they don't have cars!?

Okay, I'll bite. "Where'd that expression come from, anyway? Playin' in traffic?"

Old man Kirisame pauses. "...I heard it from the man at the Kourindou when I had paid him a visit a few months ago. Something to do with giant metal death traps, yeah? I don't get it either, but considering the traffic in the village square at high noon, I thought it made sense! Hahaha~!"

Yeah, that figures.

"...Them potions are on the house." He smiles.

…

Taking a quick glance at Reimu, he leans next to me, speaking lower. "...'Cause if they weren't, _she'd_ probably bloody me…"

Duly noted!

"I can always charge my daughter later!" He grinned.

Speaking of Reimu, she moved most of the shelves out of the way, and was using some of Kirisame's chalk to draw a magical circle, and had used his paper to create various amulets and talismans for the edges. Albus's unconscious body lied in the middle, and was routinely clonked every time it tried to come back to the land of the living.

Y'know, Reimu, if you keep smacking him like that, you won't be able to interrogate him. He'll have brain damage!

I could feel my wounds heal up. It's still freakin' weird.

…

Aa~h.

I stand again, sprite and limber! "Thanks, yo. Dunno what I woulda done without ya."

"Bleed out?" He guessed.

Hmmm! "...Yeah, sounds about right!"

"Hahaha~!" We both shared a good giggle!

Reimu looked up from the circle at us, and sighed, shaking her head.

After some moments of chit-chat and seal creating, Reimu's seal was eventually complete.

"Here we go…" Reimu took a deep breath.

Oh, boy! I get to see a live sealing!

The amulets, talismans, and chalk lines begin glowing.

"..." Reimu silently presses her hands together in a prayer-esque formation, and closes her eyes. I see light flow from her body and connect with all parts of the circle, which seems to make the paper crafts form their own light.

The light washes over Albus, and sticks to him.

"Dark…" Reimu mumbled.

More light assaulted him, and eventually it passed through him, leaving him afterwards.

…

"A-ah!" Albus snaps awake. "...You! Not this time!"

He stands shakily, and begins running for Reimu. He can't seem to lift the arm I struck, so he lifts his left arm instead. When he nears Reimu, the light rushes to throw him back.

"Guh!" His eyes widen. "H-holy…?"

... He dashes for the edge of the seal, but an invisible barrier along the edge repels him back in.

He grins. "Hah. You can't seal me…"

He teleports.

…

His end-point is somewhere else inside the seal, however,

For some reason, he appears incredibly disoriented by that. "Wha-what…?"

Once again, he attempts to teleport out, only to end up stumbling and confused somewhere inside the barrier.

"...You bitch!" He clenched the one hand he could. "What do you think you're doing to me!?"

Reimu doesn't reply, still focusing.

"I'm a youkai exterminator! You're supposed to be one, too!" Albus kneels. "Y-you idiot! Traitor! Deceiver! Liar!"

Reimu is still focusing.

"...Cow! Sl-slut!" Albus begins crying. "Whore!"

Reimu, still, is focusing.

"...Al-alright… I see…" He frowns grimly. "I see… how it is. This is the job of the Hakurei, isn't it? To reduce the human people to mere _cattle_ …"

Dayum.

"Hahaha~!" He laughs abruptly, and humorlessly. "Take my power, Hakurei! Silence me for good! Take my voice, and my freedom! Take it all! Take it! Take it now!"

Reimu's eyes open, and they're glowing brightly.

"Human Sealing Circle!"

The barrier's edges shine brightly. Both me and Kirisame have to shield our eyes…

" _Shanoo~aaa~h…!_ "

Albus is loud when he wants to be.

…

Moments later, the circle is depleted of its previous energy.

Albus is still kneeling in the circle.

"There."

Reimu took a deep breath. "...It's done."

...Old man Kirisame shakes his head. "That kid was _livid_." He scratched the back of said head. "...Haven't seen someone that angry in a long time."

Right? Yo…

"...Basically, I sealed his ability to feel and operate with mana." Reimu shrugged. "...There's not many good human seals to begin with, and that's all I remembered."

Albus looked up from the floor. "...I'll find a way."

Reimu's brow rose.

"I… will find a way, Hakurei." He stood again, slowly, and unsteadily. "I'll find a way to make you regret letting me live!"

"Would you just be quiet, already?" Reimu stared at him tiredly.

He paused, then smirked. "Is the silencing spell next?"

"Quit jumping to conclusions." Reimu folded her arms. "That's what got you into this mess to begin with."

His eyes flared. "You-!"

"Quit blaming others, too. All your actions? You pulled the trigger. You did them." Reimu pressed. "Circumstance is one thing. Habits, trends, and behaviors… that's something entirely different."

"Shut the _fuck_ up!" Albus roared.

...

"Youkai are people." Reimu announced.

Albus reeled back, and let out the best evil laugh he could muster! "Haa~h!"

... Which wasn't much!

She continued. "You don't seem to understand…" Reimu glanced at the floor. "You live in ignorance of other people's lives." She looked back up at Albus. "You've missed _so_ much by jumping to conclusions, I could almost say you did it _willfully_ … but I'm willing to believe otherwise."

He clutched his face. "...Miko. How many times do I have to-"

"I'll unseal you." Reimu declared.

Albus froze.

"...But. You have to do one thing before I do." Reimu held up a finger.

"...Of course." Albus gave his signature cocky smirk. Nothing intense, even. It was like the one he had while talkin' wit' his buddy Fred.

"You have to become a better person." Reimu set her terms. "...By my standards? Yes. Can you call it unfair? Yes. Go right ahead. But, those are my rules. Your life should _not_ be my problem, and it should not be _anyone_ else's problem. Talk with some youkai while wearing a suit of steel armor, for all I care. Stop while you're ahead."

Albus lunged forward. "Damn you!"

He fell on his face, his legs giving in.

…

Reimu walked up to the counter. She was sweating, and her eyes betrayed exhaustion. "...You wanna stay here, Brad, or are you coming with me?"

Hmm… After a display like that? Honestly, I wanna see what happens next! 'Sides, I don't got a lot to do here other than screw around with good ol' Kirisame over here.

"I'll hang out with you some more, yo." I answer.

Reimu moves to carry me, but I raise my hand. "I got's a way of flying, yo."

She tilts her head. "You did?... Oh, right."

Normally I'd say no, but, you want me to be legit? Reimu has _totally_ earned my respect. It's one thing to read about her doing cool shit in fanfics, or playing the games, but being there? Buddy. It's a whole different _level_ , lemme tell you.

Because of that, I don't want her to stress over carrying me and my poofy-ass hair. I can fly myself, thank you very much.

"...You two just gonna leave this punk in my shop?" Kirisame blinked.

"Mmm." Reimu nodded. "You have magic. Toss him out."

He rolled his eyes, and called out to us. "Tell my daughter she owes me a thousand yen!"

With that, we flew back to the Hakurei Shrine with relative ease.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

What a fucking wild ride, huh? That Albus dude, he had issues. Like, actual issues. I'm not talking funny upstairs issues or anything, I'm just talking… _issues_. That kind of social development that is just… inherently flawed. The kind of person who'll never see things a different way, no matter how hard you try otherwise. The kind of person who willfully demonizes others, just because they're _them_ and we're _us_.

He had his reasons, I'm sure- okay, not for the whole 'killing a hundred youkai' thing, I mean Jesus Christ- but he probably _really_ could have done things differently.

I don't have faith in him improving. I don't faith in the human village improving anytime soon. I don't have faith, that without some major improvement in the management department down there, that things are gonna get better. I don't have faith in a lot of things.

...But what I _do_ have faith in is Reimu over hea! The gi~rl, yo!

Reimu trudged from the kotatsu, moving to her room. "I-I'm taking a nap…"

She's tired as shit, too! I'm not too much, 'cause potions.

Marisa was brewing at the kotatsu, herself. "Patchy's gonna be _so~_ pissed, ze…"

Fred? He was currently hanging upside-down from one of the shrine's rafters, with duct tape covering his mouth

"Mmph!"

"We were supposed to go down there today, and everything…" Marisa mumbled.

"Cheer up, friend…" I pat her on the back.

She squirms away from me. "Don't touch me."

Freakin'...! "What'd I do?"

"Everything."

Marisa, even though you said we were cool, you still give me mixed signals!

Hmm…

"So, how'd things go with Fred?" I grin.

Marisa looked up at me. "At first, I kinda didn't believe ya, so I felt like an ass when I got here. So I asked him." She nodded slowly. "...You were _completely_ fuckin' right. What the hell..."

I stare at him as he dangles and glares at us. "He's fluffy."

"The village is startin' to get me worried." Marisa admits. "Everyone's so hateful towards magic and youkai… What even happened? Youkai've actually been pretty lax towards the village this year, 'cause of all the paranoia."

It does seem as if it's gettin' progressively worse. "Do you think Keine's related?"

"I haven't talked to her in so long. I dunno." Marisa shrugs. "Reimu was gettin' suspicious of her, so she might be."

I'm willing to bet so.

In other news… "Patchy! How badly's she need you and Reimu?"

"She threw spells at me until I ran off to get Reimu, last time…" Marisa grinned. "So uh… badly. She also says in _person._ "

I was thinking of going there to take a memo for her, just so I could do some sidequesting while screwing around there, but I guess not!

Or, I could just go there anyway and stop by when things happen.

"I dunno if Reimu's up to goin' at all, today." Marisa scratched the back of her head. "She seemed-"

Reimu re-emerged from the kitchen, taking deep breaths.

"...Hey, Reimu." Marisa addressed her.

"Let's go."

Marisa blinked. "Wait, really?"

Reimu nods. "Mmm."

...Frowning, Marisa makes an observation. "But, you look pretty ti-"

"That shouldn't matter. We can just sleep there, if we need to." Reimu decides, moving to the shrine's door. "Let's go."

"Alright, ze."

With that, they're gone.

…

I like how I'm not invited, even though I tossed around the blocks, too. Though, I suppose it's not a big deal. I, uh, don't really feel like fighting any more Mimas than I really have to…!

...Fred's dangling from the rafters, still, too. It doesn't seem like Suika is here anymore, either.

Well, since they're goin' to the mansion, I think I might actually head back to the village! I love me that… homey atmosphere…

…

Alright, it's one of the few places I can go when it's this cold. I need frost armor! ...Wouldn't that make me colder? Armor tropes are weird…

My dress probably doesn't matter, with that exterminator badge, too.

Abandoning the sad Fred, I make my way back to the human village!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Thank fluffnuggets there's a new guy here. Probably because the last one hasn't recovered from being bamboozled.

The tubby man at the gate eyes me suspiciously. "...You look a bit banged up to be a villager, buddy."

I pull out my badge of badges!

...He nods. "O~h. No wonder."

He reels the gate open. "G'n."

What? I assume he means 'go in', but… how lazy can you get? Yo.

I shrug, and walk into the village.

Inside is people and things. I wonder if Sekibanki is in an alright mood, this time around.

You know what I could really use, though? Freakin' moolah. The _goods_ , dude. If only to buy freakin' health potions and chicken nuggets with!

I shall make the smart decision, and walk back into the guard headquarters after Albus got his ass handed to him.

Back inside, I walk up to the leftmost counter, and flash my badge.

"I am youkai stopper person man." I announce my authority!

The guy at the counter sighs. "Alright, okay. Go ahead."

Yo~!

I push open the door into the lounge room. Albus is nowhere to be found, thankfully.

George is talking to some freakin' tall girl.

"Uh-uhm, they-they haven't come back…" George stammered out.

The woman lunged forward, and pushed him into the mini bar the room had.

Bam!

"They were _your_ responsibility!" She growls. "My ranger, my mage… _where_ did you assign them!?"

"I-I didn't assign them an-anything! I swear!" He shielded his head. "Pl-please…"

"You liar! You good for nothing liar!" She shook him, the rage flaring from her less than pleased expression.

...She broke from him, and took a seat on one of the bar stools. "Damn it… I-I have to start over, now..."

Fluffy. I wonder if they have juice or something…

Against my better judgement, I approach the bar while trying to ignore miss angry eyes!

She watches me move through the shelves and things…

"...George, who is that?" She idly wonders.

George didn't reply.

"...George."

"I-I never got his name…"

...She let out a deep sigh. "...Right. Good. You hired him, I assume?"

"We-well, yes…" Oo~f. George's professionalism slipped, yo.

He began to stand...

The woman hung her head. "And you didn't ask him his name."

…

"Maybe?" George shrugged, grinning.

The woman leapt from the bar stool, landed on one leg, then kicked the man. The kick has such force, that I could like, _feel_ it.

"Hrrm!" George lurched as he was flung over the bar counter, and into the shelves behind it. I flinched back as he loudly slammed into the shelves in front of me, and dropped to his bum.

"...Dayum, son." I grinned. "Where'd you find her?"

"Uua~oh…" George wasn't in any mood to talk, tipping over onto his side in agony.

"You. What's your name?" She narrowed her eyes at me.

Oh, god. "Daa~h, Bread. Bread… just Bread."

Not too far from my actual name, but enough that she shouldn't be able to-

She draws a long ass katana, and points it at me.

My 'nope' alarm is going right the hell off, here!

"What's. Your. Name?"

"...Brad." I smile sheepishly.

"Last name."

Hahaha, no. "I don't have one, friend."

...She nods, sheathing her katana. "Intriguing. What is your rank?"

Daa~h… "Big."

"...George just gave you the badge, didn't he?" If you wanted me to rate on a scale of one to ten just how unamused she was, my answer would be 'not enough edge, zero out of ten'.

Yo, it takes effort to produce quality unamusement! There's nothin' I can do about the ratings system!

Anyway, I nod. "Yeah, he just gave it to me after I showed him some of my badass super hero powers."

"...This isn't a game." Her expression neutral, she began lecturing me. "Youkai are the least of our worries, when the Hakurei's power lies outside the reach of the village."

That sentence should be the other way around! By the way, _another_ one of these bastards? Damn, everyone wants a piece of Reimu!

"Give me your badge," she commands me, "or I will rip it from you."

I hold up my arms. "Now, wait just a second, here…"

She begins power walking towards me.

"I know what happened to Albus and Fred!" I blurt, retreating as she neared me ever faster.

Then, she froze.

…

Did I soothe he-

She grabs me by the cuff with a quick lunge.

Crap!

I'm slammed against the wall, held by the cuff of my undershirt, but mostly pressed into it by the force of her arm.

"Where are they!?"

I-I don't wanna be here anymore!

"Tell me!" She snarls.

...I reach for my sack, but she grabs my hand with her open arm.

"I'll tell you!" I yell. "Put me the fuck down!"

…

She lets go of me. "Begin."

I'm half debating to just tell her they died in a comedically inane way, but I feel like that'd bite me in the ass later.

"...Albus is shambling around town for some reason, and Fred… was taken captive." I sigh, as if disappointed. Hey, yo, they're not technically lies!

"What…?" Her eyes widened. "...Taken captive by _who!?_ "

You'd have thought they'd've sent guards to deal with the shouting. That, or this is normal.

How do I half-lie about this one…?

I swallow, as if nervous. I _am_ , but I'm actually trying to think up a lie. Hyonk.

"It-it was the fluffles." Here we go, yo.

...That look she's givin' me. She doesn't believe me at all.

C'mo~n! "No, for real. They blew down the doors, and boxed us in-"

" _Where?_ " She glared at me.

"Arrows whizzing by like streaks of light, dude!" I stumble forward, and put a hand to my head. "I did all that I could… to-to stay and fight!"

…

She folds her arms.

I salute. "The Hakurei Shrine. Albus, we went with Albus to stop the Hakurei." I explain dutifully. She visibly freezes.

I continue. "We did all we could, but the fluffles-"

"That's… that's enough." The woman, now far more sedate, reaches a hand out to gesture me to stop. Then, she moves to the bar counter, and rests her head on it.

…

I think I should go, now. And, like, never come back. 'Cause once she finds out I'm lying… it's gonna be a freakin' game of Call of Duty in the village. Between Keine and this broad, I think I've effectively made this place inhospitable for myself again!

Gensokyo's a hard place to live! It's been like, three weeks, and I _still_ don't have a house! Not that I'd use it, but y'know… oof.

I turn to leave, and no one stops me. On the _upside_ , I got to keep that badge. If I ever need to dash in here quickly for shit, I can do it _without_ bloodying the guards.

...I never got paid for that other thing with Ha-chan, either! Freakin' bunk, yo.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I touch down in front of the Scarlet Devil Mansion's gates.

Meiling seems to be sleeping. She's sawing logs, friends…

Then… there's that fluffle stand.

"im fully charged"

No, you're not. No…!

...I walk up to Meiling. "Hey, friend. It's me."

…

I take out my Youkai Exterminator badge, and flash it! "The testimony… contradicts the evidence!"

Meiling opens one eye, "...Nope." and closes it again.

Well, I'm out of ideas, then!

"Yo, didn't Reimu and Marisa get in earlier?" I bring up.

"They had permission from Lady Patchouli. You don't." Meiling states with her eyes closed. "That's just how it goes."

Oh, no. "...This is about my gender, isn't it yo? I'll have you know that I identify as one twentieth of a female on Tuesdays and Saturdays!"

Meiling has no comment, but her pretend sleeping has stopped being realistic.

Alright, yo… "If I cut off my dick, would you let me in?"

She chuckles. "What's _wrong_ with you…?"

"Many things, friend." I nod nostalgically…

…

She's still not moving to lemme in. Hnnngh.

"Meiling." I boldly raise my voice. "Allow me in, and I will make you the greatest queen in Fluffania!... Or else you will _die!_ "

She lets her eyes fully open. "We~ll… It's sunset, anyway. I doubt you'd find the mistress before she wakes up."

Yo.

The gate swings open on its own.

"Don't burn anything down." She grins.

"I'll make an attempt." I wave her my gratitude, and proceed to the main lobby…

There's some fairy maids and fluffles jumping in place in one corner of the lobby, for whatever reason.

Fluffy bluffs, friends.

...Sneaking up on the group, I snag one of the fluffles and waltz away with it.

It stares at me gingerly, before giving me soft headbutts.

With my new, snuggable fluffle friend, I wander aimlessly into the halls. This time, numerous minutes of wandering do not take me anywhere important. No library, no dining hall or kitchen, no Remilia Room Place Thing. Just freakin' halls.

Where the entry halls were more densely populated a good margin of the time, these halls were just dead. Once in awhile I'd see a fairy maid, but she'd just ignore me.

Let's open some mystery doors…!

I swing open the first one on my left, and enter.

A bunch of primitive machines produce a low hum, and I spy a fairy maid with charred, frazzled clothing.

"Ebabadada!" She convulses as she sticks her hand into an open panel. I watch sparks dance over her navy blue hair, as her face betrays a naughty smile. "O-o~h, yea~h…"

Zazazap!

"Egeeghuhuh!" She flinches violently from another shock. "E~ah…"

Zazazap!

"Ehuhbadada!" I notice her arm is charred black. "Ye~s…"

Zazazap!

Freakin'... What even _is_ this room!? The machines don't seem to even do anything!

The wires on them all go straight down into the curiously messy tiled floor. This whole room looks just _old_. The walls are a dull blue, too. The room seems to have two doors that lead into it along the same wall.

...The fairy maid glances at me after she flails around a bit from the electricity, and grins. "Fifty thousand volts, with _your_ name on 'em, buddy."

Hmm. I feel like I've heard that somewhere before…

I hold up my arms. "I'd, uh, rather not, friend."

She rolls her eyes, and gets up. She walks across the room, and lifts some long, loose wires, with sparks shooting from them every time the ends met one another. Which was often, because she kept them together, for some reason.

"C'mo~n." She grinned widely, bearing her teeth far further than necessary to express amusement. "It'll only hurt for a minute."

"Yeah- no." I shake my head, backing from the room. "Who the frik are you?"

"Just call me Lightningbolt!" She runs for the door.

I slam it, and back away.

…

The doorknob starts glowing brightly, electricity coursing through it.

"O-oo~h! Yes, ye-habadada!"

I'm going to say that's objectively scarier than Flandre, because the fairy is at least actively homicidal all the time.

...I look down at the fluffle I'm still holding.

"googly goo" It smiles. "and how bout you"

…I make my way to the other door that leads into the room, and open it up.

Inside, I see 'Lightningbolt' with her back pressed against the other door, apparently shoving the bundle of wires into her _mouth_.

She's making some kind of noise. I honestly couldn't describe it- imagine deep throating combined with the unnatural zaps and crackles of wiring gone wrong.

It's a rather unholy noise, yo.

...Blushing, the fairy's eyes go completely haywire and misaligned as she deepthroats the live wires.

It's times like this I wish I had maximum electrical resistance. If I did, I could join in on the fun! At least, with my clothes on. If I took off the resistant garments, I'd be frying tonight, yo.

"Hey, friend." I call out to her.

She actually pauses, and her misaligned eyes center on me. Dayum!

"Have some nuggets."

I toss the fluffle at her.

The moment it touches her, it explodes.

Fwa~m!

A bolt actually shot from her body and just annihilated the fluffle. In response, she just sat down, letting out an echo'd moan through the wires, which was also transmitted through the electronics throughout the room.

"A-a-a-a-a-h-h-h-n-n…"

I think I'm done here. I don't wanna get cooked by a stray freakin' power bolt…

I close the room's second door.

Freakin'... here there be dragons, and all that.

Somewhat apprehensively, I proceed to an unknown door on the left side of the hallway, and open that one as well…

There's a single bed inside, and no occupants. It's yet another generic guest room, apparently.

…

I walk inside, and tip over the dresser.

Bam!

My work here is done.

Grinning, I leave the room, closing the door again. Fuck that dresser in particular.

Suddenly, arms wrap around my waist, sending a chill up my spine.

"I was sleeping in there, you know." A girl's voice whispers into my right ear.

Holy crap! Nope, nope, nope! Screw you!

I elbow the girl, and scramble away, freakin' terrified.

"Guh…" She clutches herself. I turn, and see it's some fairy maid with short, scarlet hair. It was even the same color as the walls.

Looking back up at me, she grins. "Missed me, didn'cha?"

Daa~h… "Who?"

She furrows her brows. "...Miyako."

"...Not ringin' any bells!" Who the frik…?

"The one who tried to flip-kick your shit, you piece of shit!" Her emerald eyes flare.

Oo~h! "Were you that cloaker girl person?" I distinctly remember flip-kicking!

She grins. "Yea~h! Chief never called me back after what you did. Unlike the others, I still remember all that cool crap she taught me, even if I never got the kickass suit back."

Cool!

"...So I'm gonna beat the kool-aid out of you." She punches her open hand with her fist. " _This_ is the point of no return."

Oh.

She opens the door again, and quickly jumps inside. Only a second later, she comes back out with a sand-red plant hanger.

"Stand still, and I'll go easy on you!" She grins widely.

I draw Swift Brand, and backpedal! "Son, my plant hanger is engineered to be better than yours!"

Miyako giggles. "Hehehe~! Not good enough!"

Like a bullet, she charges towards me in a very compressed fashion, lowering her body to the floor for what I assume is aerodynamics, or something. As she nears me, she swerves to the side, and attempts to clothesline me with her generic hanger. I bring up Swift Brand to block-

Cla~ng!

Holy shit, that's some power! My hand hurts, now…

Her eyes widen in surprise, but she leaps back from me. "Hmph… I thought that woulda been an easy win."

I grin. "They call it a difficulty tweak, son." Yea~h! I'm better at not-dying, now!

...She grins back.

...I'm slightly nervous, admittedly.

She flails wildly at the air, but it doesn't just kick up dust. Black, swirling, transparent copies of the hanger she holds appear, and they begin to accelerate towards me gradually, turning a glowing bright red as they do so.

"Holy shit!" I move to block each one, and do so with marginal success! They're danmaku, and dissipate on hit, apparently.

Then, the next moment, she's gone. I think. Curse her scarlet maid outfit, scarlet hair, and sand-red plant hanger-...

Oo~h. _That's_ why she's all scarlet. It's camouflage.

My eyes scan the halls. Looking to my left, I see an unnatural and misshapen shadow sliding along the wall. It grows in size, and I can eventually make out Miyako's emerald eyes and features as the dark image enlarges.

I run out of the way of it, and Miyako shoots from the wall, swinging with the sand-red plant hanger, generating more swirling danmaku plant hangers which slowly accelerate towards me. This time, I just dodge 'em.

"Jesus!" By the way, she can fucking shadow-travel through walls, or some shit!?

"Now _this_ is what they call a difficulty tweak!" She laughs. "Remember: The safe word is 'staff brutality'!"

Dropping to the floor, she slides towards me.

Fwoosh!

I send a gust of wind from Swift Brand to deny her. She hops back to her feet, and flails wildly to make more danmaku hangers. I just begin strafing in a circular motion to avoid them, because running in circles, one might find, is surprisingly helpful!

I see her clip into the wall, and watch her shadow form run along the inside of it. Watching her, I ready to strike her when she exits…!

She leaps from the wall!

Cla~ng!

"Fuaagh!" She's launched back into the wall, but she just collides with it, sliding off it. "...Th-these fucking lights…"

She slide-kicks away from me. "You've been cheating." She accuses me.

"Friend, all is fair in love and war, and stuff." I smile. "Let me hit you."

"...No. Why would that work?" She scoffs at me. "...But, if all's fair, then you can't complain about _this!_ "

The candles in the hall flicker out, leaving only a few lit. With things this dark, I can make out the flashes of light from under the doors of the electric room.

Miyako's also just gone. She vanished the moment the lights went out.

"Hehehehe~..."

Her laugh echoes throughout the hallway.

"Not even the chief can stop me when I'm like this…" She gloats.

I run up to one of the wall candles and, for the moment, cherish it as if it were a sun god. I look around the room feverishly, before running my eyes across the floor…

Oh, fuck, that's not my shadow!

Before I can react, Miyako lunges from where my shadow should be and grapples me.

"Now cry for the chief to change your diapers!" She grins widely. Like this, we slowly begin sinking into the floor. "Once we're inside, there'll be _no~_ escape!"

Oh, fuck! She's trying to banish me to the shadow realm!

I struggle, but she tightly holds me against her chest, enough for me to feel her pressing against my back.

"I'm far stronger than yo~u…" She's practically hugging me, now. Her grapple's gone from intense to something more relaxed. "Keep struggling."

I drop Swift Brand.

"Hahaha~!" She nuzzles her head into my neck, for whatever reason. "Tha~t's right. You lose."

...Fookin' bad touch over here, man! Ba~d touch!

...I reach into my sack, and draw the Youkai Inconveniencer. After that move, she moves to try to disarm me of the sack. "Hey, hey… No more of your useless tools. You won't need them, with me…"

I channel mana into the holy hanger of holiness!

"Return to darkness!" I shout! "Holy cross!"

Fwaa~sh!

In that moment, the entire hallway is light.

"Wh-whaaa~h!?" She's launched back from me. "The light… it _burns!_ "

She lands on the floor across from me, and I twist myself to face her.

Feverishly rubbing her eyes, she stands again. "...Wh-what the fuck…"

Clumsily, she stumbles away, towards her room's door again. "...I-I'm not in the mood, anymore. Fuck you…"

Her door closes behind herself. She lets the sand-red hanger clatter to the floor outside.

…

Well, then! I avoided getting raped by shadows!

The only problem… is that I'm still halfway embedded in the floor. Freakin'... what the hell!?

…

After a moment, all the unlit candles relit again, and Sakuya stood before me.

"...Just what did you _do?_ " She vainly stared down at me.

"I got molested by shadow people." I told her. "They left me in the floor."

"...Right." She nods. "Patchouli-sama saw you were in the manor a moment ago, and sent me to retrieve you."

Define 'a moment ago'. 'Cause I had no help with that battle. "How long ago was 'a moment ago'?"

"...About five minutes." Sakuya shrugged.

Did they just get popcorn and watch!? "...Didja see-"

"Yes, I saw my staff member viciously assault you. It was likely in good fun." She shrugged.

A- whuh- huh!? Freakin'...! "She was all like, swiggity swooty, comin' for my booty!"

Sakuya blinked. "...Mmm. Fairies are… lustful things, sometimes. It very much depends, and I know not the science behind it, myself."

Freakin' noob.

...I held out my arms. "Help."

Sakuya moved to pull me from the floor, and succeeded with relative ease. The hole I left from was an inky, purple-and-black hole that slowly shrunk as my body left it.

"...Wei~rd." I comment.

"Follow." Sakuya time-stops. I move extremely slowly because I only have the Kaguya hair on…

...She lets time resume. "...What happened to your time resistance, again?"

"Only when I wear Kaguya's clothes, yo." I shrug. "Armor resistances."

Sakuya shakes her head. "I'm not sure how that works."

...Me neither!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The hallways always go easy-modo on Sakuya. Probably because it'd just be redundant to stop her, otherwise.

I arrive at the library, following behind the maid of all maids!

...I mean, I would follow her behind, but the skirt is unfortunately too poofy for me to get a good look at anything. Freakin' poofs.

We're also at one of Patchy's studies. The crystal ball that projected my happenings sat on the desk.

"I thought that fairy almost had you, there." Patchouli shrugged. "We would have had to send Sakuya in with a wire to fish you out."

...How would _that_ work?

I glance at Reimu and Marisa, who were still here, as well. Reimu had her arms folded. "I'm not sure how to feel about mansion staff harassing visitors…"

"...When do we _get_ visitors?" Sakuya grinned vainly.

Marisa smirked. "She's got a point, Reimu."

"...Also, Brad's staring at your butt." Patchouli idly adds while she looks back down at her book.

...Sakuya turns to me with an unblinking stare.

…

I smile and shrug.

Then, her hand is in front of my face. Between every finger is a knife.

/ / To Be Continued - -

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 37

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY:

Youkai Inconveniencer - Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives that I mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

Holy Talismans - Provides a holy upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

Electric Talismans - Provides an electric upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out...

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

can you picture fluffles dancing in place to the "To Be Continued" music of jojo's bizarre adventure? it's freakin' fluffy

in other news, hello update limit!

this chapter was good fun to write; can you guess who that purple haired vixen in the guard HQ is? btw castlevania fans, it's NOT shanoa, and is indeed someone from touhou, so lolnoep and all that

decided to show the former payday parody fairies some love and let them actually get fleshed out a bit! good ol hotaru, diddlying herself with electric wires and all that

miyako is fun; ganpeki you've seen, and there's… not really anyone else

i resist the urge to write porn by actually writing it but storing it in a galaxy far far away, a galaxy called the CRINGE BIN (you heard me right, this story is actually NOT the cringiest thing i've wrote!)

that human village, yo… ho ho ho

y'know restricting your character to 'pathetically weak' but still making them as AUDACIOUS AS SOMEONE OF POWER really opens a lot of doors in the realm of fairy characterization

expendable, respawning friends are the best friends, honestly

the only issue is that SOME OF 'EM ARE GOSSIPS

...please give the feedbacks, it helps!

as always, thank you all for reading, and see you all next time!

(btw if you dunno yet, i have a crappy website up!)

(btw, if you like Earthbound and Touhou, and like fanfics, i have a thing like that in my stories! it is called GENSOKYOBOUND and it is fluffy)

alright shameless self-advertising over, see you all next time for reals!


	45. Turok: Youkai Hunter

(MATT'S PERSPECTIVE, yo)

I tapped my fingers on the kitchen table.

"What was the 'max cool' setting supposed to be set to?" Youmu asked, turning from the brand new electric refrigerator to glance at Yuyuko.

"Uhm…" Yuyuko paused. "...All the way?"

Youmu shrugged, and did so.

"Yukari didn't include the instruction manual. It doesn't seem terribly complicated, though." Yuyuko smiled. "Now we can just keep making cakes!"

"You say that as if we still had the materials to keep making cakes…" Youmu sighed.

While I sit and boredly watch this exchange, a small hole opens in the wall, on the counter. The walling falls inward with a soft thud.

Youmu glances at it, and then Yuyuko does as well.

...Fluffles attempt to march out of it, moving at a stinted pace, for whatever reason. They march towards the fridge, where Youmu sticks her hands out and begins to push them.

"No." She denies them. "Just… no."

She moves across the counter, using her arm to sweep them to the far edge of it. The fluffles get the hint, and begin scurrying up the wall and behind the shelves.

"They're part of the reason we don't have many materials, anymore." Youmu props her arms on her hips. "Did you find a new exterminator yet, Yuyuko-sama?"

Yuyuko shakes her head. "No~... I might ask Yukari to find us one, 'cause I'm kinda out of ideas."

You'd think Yukari would be able to just _be_ the exterminator. Or Youmu.

...Speaking of Youmu, she's staring at me, now.

"Well, we'd probably have a proper exterminator, if _somebody_ didn't mysteriously turn him against us…" She slowly begins to frown.

I raise my arms defensively. "I would like to state that I did not participate in that. Further, why aren't _you_ able to do the exterminating?"

She shakes her head. "No matter how many I cut down, and no matter how many I toss out of here, it's… it's just never enough. I need someone to help me take care of this. There's probably something more to it that I'm missing."

...She narrows her eyes at me, but Yuyuko interrupts before she can make an attempt at my previous words. "Don't worry! I know Yukari'll find you someone, Youmu. He'll be everything you dream of and more!"

Youmu stared at her dryly. "You make it sound like I'm getting a date, Yuyuko-sama…"

Yuyuko smiled. "If that's what you want, Youmu-chan."

...As fun as watching Youmu get verbally molested by her superior is, I think I need to stretch my legs.

Standing from the table, I begin to leave the kitchen. "I am going to locate the bathrooms and things."

Yuyuko blinked. "...I thought you knew, already."

"The bathrooms moved." I inform her, leaving the room and sliding the door shut behind me.

I might actually make a stop to the bathroom. It'd be the first time someone's gone this entire fanwork.

A short trek through the halls, and I'm there. I slide open the door…

All the fixtures are gone. In the corner of the room, there's a fluffle shoving a block of wood into a small hole in the wall. The floor is all dusty.

I walk inside, and near the fluffle. It pushes the block through successfully, then, when it notices me, it begins to… to…

I don't know how to describe it. It's basically looking around wildly, with its main focus being either the floor immediately below it, or me. It's also jumping in place a few times.

What the _fuck_ is this.

I pick it up with both hands, and its shell nose opens.

"I'll rip off your head, and shit down your neck." I inform it.

...It begins looking around again, and my hands get all dusty.

This thing deserves only death.

I twist my hands, and contort the torso of the fluffy being. Then, I-

It dissipates into dust.

…

Moving outside, I shut the door. It seems the bathrooms have indeed been relocated.

Youmu might be right about that whole 'needing an exterminator' thing. I'm just a bit too lazy, though… and woefully ill equipped. Scissors are tasteful, I'd say, but I cannot throw holy nukes around like a certain miko, and I certainly couldn't block bullets, even if I _did_ have a katana.

Which, I do. It's just at home.

Not doing a lot of good there, is it?

I make my way to the backyard, of sorts, during my aimless wandering. That giant, dead cherry tree is still a thing, for some reason.

Previously asked questions of mine revealed it to be something called the Saigyou Ayakashi. That's… about all I know about it. Further questions resulted in Yuyuko just being bubbly, and Youmu glaring at me. By which, I mean, they told me nothing I wanted to know.

I guess this tree's important, then. Maybe.

Above that, it's nigh indestructible, or something.

Approaching it, I work my way around the roots. The many, thick roots.

You know, for a dead tree, it has a _lot_ of roots. I'm forced to fall back from approaching the bark proper, because there's just too much root.

...I glance back at the shrine, and then at the tree. Surely they won't mind me… pruning these roots a little.

I hold my arm up into the air, and imagine a whirling saw blade. Throwing it forward, the saw blade manifests itself, whirling towards the end bit of one of the more immediate, small roots.

Vrrr-ShShShSh-

Thunk.

I instinctively reach for my ears, the loud noise of the saw blade's edges getting brutally dulled filling the garden. It tried its best, but in the end, the saw blade was only a fraction into the root, the sharp edges now dulled or outright shattered.

...I carefully grab the center hole, and wheel it away from the root, and let it clatter to the ground. I didn't think the roots would be equally indestructible.

The blade made progress, however, so…

I repeat the casting procedure.

Vrrr-ShShShShh~...

Thunk.

It was halfway through, now. It takes a few tugs, but I pull the saw blade out of the root, and wheel it off to be sad with its friend.

Once more, I repeat the casting motions…

Vrrr-ShShShSh-Vrrr…

The third saw blade finally separates the root from the tree- or, at least, the other section of the root. The saw blade continues forward, until it meets another root. This time, however, it doesn't even have the power to begin sawing at it, and just gives up.

Admittedly, I'm slightly fatigued after that. Saw blades are not easy on the mana pool.

...I move up to the root, and grab it. It's fairly light. I pull it away from the base root, and tendrils of darkness stretch out from the two separated sections, reaching towards one another.

Yeah, no.

I quickly backpedal to keep the dark tendrils from meeting one another, and they begin to stretch faster in response.

I turn and run in the opposite direction.

Dashing into the shrine, I shut the door behind me. The dark tendrils were interrupted, but then carried on, phasing through the door itself, it seemed.

Further frantic sprinting through the shrine revealed that the dark tendrils obey walls, but not doors. Eventually, I come up to the kitchen, where the two girls still seem to be.

I slam the sliding door shut behind me, and power walk through the room.

Youmu's eyes widen at the dark tendrils, and she draws Hakurouken. "Wh-what? What did you do!?"

"Don't mind me." I wave at her. "Just bringing in some denizen of darkness."

Youmu quickly lashes out at the dark tendrils, landing a quick slice straight through them.

Swish.

The tendrils separate. The bits still connected to the root slowly, jerkily retract. The bits further out, unconnected to anything, simply become black smoke.

Once the tendrils fully retract into the small root piece, the portion where it was cut itself emits black smoke.

...I nod in satisfaction. "I had no idea that dead trees were this lively."

Yuyuko tilts her head. "He~y. Don't bully the trees."

Youmu glared at me. "Were you randomly cutting up the garden? Genuinely…?"

I raise the root piece. "Considering this root was infested with evil spirits, I don't think the tree I got it from was particularly happy."

"Evil spirits?" Youmu furrowed her brows. "There shouldn't be such a thing in any of the trees, mostly because there's not many of them left, but still."

"Have you examined the single biggest tree in the entire garden?" I jab.

...Suddenly, it all makes sense to Youmu. "Oo~h. You somehow got a part from _that_ tree. Huh."

Yuyuko appears indifferent towards my bullying of trees, now, in any case.

…

Youmu narrows her eyes. "Why'd you take a piece of _that_ tree, anyway?"

"I hate nature." I tell her. "The tree's resistance proved a challenge."

...Youmu relaxed. "I guess."

…

Yuyuko suddenly speaks. "You~mu! All the cake materials are gone and stuff!"

Cake _materials_. Not ingredients, apparently.

Youmu sighed. "We can just make-"

"Cake. Materials." Yuyuko stressed, pouting. "Plea~se?"

"Would it not be 'ingredients'?" I hazard.

Yuyuko turns to me, and bops me on the nose with her finger. "Materials."

Vainly, Youmu continued. "I suppose you want me to go out and buy them, again…?"

Yuyuko nodded eagerly. "Mmhmm! Last time I went to get cakes and stuff, the store closed down. It was horrible!"

I think it did a little more than 'close down'...

I hold up a hand. "I would like to come along. I am an expert in the art of cake design." Or, at least, I'd like to be.

Youmu shakes her head. "No. No way, not after last time. I'm _sure_ you did something."

"Again, I insist that such is not the case." I argue. "You are simply jumping to conclusions."

"You _ran off!_ " Youmu yells. "You were tied to my hip, and you still found a way to get away!"

I shrug. "That was just lucky random number generation. The man went mad, I tell you. Mad!"

Youmu folds her arms, and sighs again.

…

"I mean, it's not like I _wanted_ to leave your hip." I smirk.

"Don't even." Youmu looks angry. "Don't. Even."

Yuyuko had her head tilted for some time, now. She choses the resulting silence to act.

"You know what we should do?"

We both turn to her.

"We should all go!" She beams, raising her arms to her sides. "It'll be great!"

I'm not appealed by the idea of having two babysitters. Especially Yuyuko, who is marginally more impossible to avoid than Youmu.

Youmu was uncertain. "Yuyuko-sama, are you sure about-"

Yuyuko cups her hands around her mouth to amplify her voice. "Let's go! Yukari~!"

A gap opens up in the middle of the room, and Yuyuko floats down into it.

…

Youmu marches up to me, and grabs my arm. "Come on."

"I can walk without assistance, you know…" I attempt to jerk my arm free, but Youmu happens to be quite physically capable.

Saying nothing further, Youmu pushes me into the gap, and then leaps in after us.

/ / / / fluffle nuzzle saga / / / /

We found ourselves in the midst of the human village, at mid-day.

"We need to find a good cake store…" Yuyuko mutters. She turns to Youmu, "Youmu-chan. Don't you know some cake stores?"

Youmu shakes her head. "Uhm... are we talking ingredients, or actual cakes?"

Yuyuko paused. "...Well, can't we buy cake materials at a cake store?"

"I don't think that's how it works…" Youmu gave an ironic smile. "Usually, I get ingredients from the market…"

We enter the center of the village, where many vendors are selling goods, again, and generic people wander to and fro.

"The market, huh…" Yuyuko looks around. She was walking with normal, human legs as well. It didn't do much to save us from the inevitable stares, because we were all fairly peculiarly dressed.

Now, the big question: how am I going to escape from them, this time?

Youmu wanders up to a stall, and we follow. We stand for a few moments, and then the stall keeper arrives.

"Hello." He rests his hands on the counter. "Welcome to our stall. Here, we offer fine, fresh fish."

Youmu shook her head. "Sorry… I'm- we're not interested in any fish…"

He frowns back. "We offer fine, fresh fish! What more could you want?"

Yuyuko smiled. "Uhm… cake materials?"

The man leans down, and pulls out an oversized fish. "Look! Fine, fresh fish! You come, you look, you don't buy! Nobody buys!"

We always get the weirdos.

...Youmu backs away from the stall, as does Yuyuko. I near it to exchange words. "So… You sell-"

He cuts me off. "Fine!" He reels the fish over his shoulder, and I begin to back away from the stall.

"Fresh!"

He swings it around, and it takes out one of the twig-esque poles holding the roof of the stand up. The roof falls inward, and knocks him over.

From the floor, he shouts at us. "Fi~sh!"

We all proceeded to power walk away from the stall.

…

Youmu turns to us. "Some of them are like that. They're nice people, though…"

Yuyuko smiles. "He seemed like a nice guy. He really likes his fine, fresh fish!"

Scratch that. _I_ get the weirdos.

"Shopping usually takes awhile." Youmu states. "If you wanna go do something else for the time being, Yuyuko-sama…"

"No." Yuyuko puts on a determined face. "I'm gonna see this through to the end!"

"We must go gambling at the Golden Grin." I state. "It is the fastest way to make the cakes."

Youmu glances at me disdainfully. "Not letting you out of our sight."

We move up to the next stall, which had no one manning it, again. You'd think it was a poor idea to just leave your wares unattended…

The vendor arrives soon enough. "We~lcome! To Xavier's new and old sales emporium!"

New and old sales emporium…? That doesn't tell me anything…

"My name is Xavier! Xavier welcomes you!" Xavier welcomed me. In third person.

I wave. "Yup. I'm out. Bye."

I begin walking away. "See ya later."

Before I can make any real progress, Youmu grabs me by the back of the collar and drags me back. "Sorry about that…"

"Xavier sees no fault!" Xavier smiles. "What would you like to buy from Xavier?"

"Do you have any cake materials…?" Yuyuko smiles innocently.

Xavier tilts his head. "Xavier is unsure. Xavier must check with investors…"

Now, just how does _that_ work…?

"Xavier can, however, offer you limited edition outsider trinkets and wares!" He bends over, and reaches under the stand. "Behold!"

He holds out a sheet of postage stamps. "Seals from prestigious outside gods!"

Sure.

Youmu blinked. "...I'm sorry, but that's not really-"

"Xavier is good person! Xavier give fifty percent discount as good person!" He waves the postage stamps in the air.

"If Xavier doesn't stop talking in third person, Xavier will soon be a non-person." I inform him.

He freezes, and then leans close to the desk. "You dare insult the man of many deals…?"

Youmu turns to me. "You- ugh… Apologize. Now."

"Nope." I fold my arms. I turn, and see Yuyuko pouting at me.

"That was mean…" She quietly states. "Don't be mean to the nice villagers. They make cakes."

"This guy doesn't make cakes." I argue. "He's a cake heretic!"

"You do not dare to insult the man of many deals in front of his shop!" Xavier snarls, practically leaping onto his desk. "Taste Xavier's shoe!"

The desk promptly gives away underneath him, and he slides back into the stall, landing on his ass.

"...You're right, that was a nice deal." I mock the man of many deals. Self-proclaimed man of many deals.

Xavier gets back up. "The mighty shoe will end-"

Shi~ng!

...That wasn't Youmu's katana, either.

A blade had soared past us, and stuck in the walling behind Xavier. He froze on the spot.

The woman who threw it pushed past me and Yuyuko, proceeding to approach Xavier. "Is there any _trouble_ , here?"

Xavier slowly raised his arms. "N-no, miss exterminator lady! Xavier was just selling wares to the good folks of the village! Xavier sw-swears it!"

"Selling goods does not entail violence." She scoffed at him.

…

"Xavier is not youkai! Xavier swears it on the mothers and forefathers of the man of many deals!" He bows before the woman, and interlocks his hands.

She sighed. "Your species matters not. The problem is your conduct."

Xavier pauses, and stares up at her.

"...That will be all." The woman shook her head, and began walking away.

The three of us turned back to Xavier, only to find he was gone. It is time to see if he left one of his many deals behind…!

"That was your fault, you know…" Youmu scowled at me.

I begin to go around the desk. "We are to partake in his many deals."

When I round the desk, I see a bunch of completely random crap. Glasses of water, what appears to be super soakers, ropes, greeting cards, and bottle caps.

Great deals.

"No stealing." Yuyuko begins to pull me out- telekinetically, might I add.

I shrug. "There was nothing even remotely worth taking back there."

Eventually, this sort of situation became a sort of formula for the next many stalls…

/ / / / time travel / / / /

It is now sunset, and we only have a fraction of the goods needed to make cakes.

"...I'm starting to feel guilty about sending you shopping." Yuyuko crestfallenly admits.

"This would be going a lot quicker, if _somebody_ wasn't constantly angering the vendors." Youmu glares at me, again.

"I did not anger the vendors." I state flatly. "The vendors angered me. They should act like normal human beings, once in a while."

Youmu rolled her eyes. " _You_ should act like a normal human being once in a while."

"I'm as normal as normal can _get_ , compared to all these bozos." I counter.

Yuyuko fidgets. "Awwhh… The market stuffs are closing up, and we only have half the materials for cakes…"

Youmu sighs.

I shall propose ideas, then. "Our best bet, now, would be to blow all our money at the Golden Grin casino."

Youmu turns to me with a very 'done' sort of expression.

I grin. "We could jump in the lake, too."

Her expression doesn't change.

"We could ask the wild youkai for help baking a cake." I jest.

…

"Oo~h!" Yuyuko beams, having gotten a new idea. "We could ask our friends, and stuff!"

Youmu rose a brow. "Who?"

"The ones who bake things!" Yuyuko declares. "Like, uhm… Sakuya, Alice, Reimu…"

Youmu snorted. "I'm not sure about that last one…"

Yuyuko continues listing names. "The Prismrivers, uhhm… The ghosts that hang around outside the shrine…"

"...You're just listing random names now, aren't you?" Youmu shook her head.

"Yea-well-no!" Yuyuko shook her head vigorously. "...Yes." She slouched.

…

"Alice is at least nearby." Youmu considered. "I could ask her, while you two head back."

"I shall go with you." I declare. "It is the only way."

…

"No." Youmu shakes her head.

"It's night, and in the middle of the woods." I try to persuade her. "Where could I _possibly_ go?"

…

"I guess." Youmu looks conflicted. " _But_. If we do that, we _need_ safety precautions."

Naturally, I would suppose.

/ / / / BANGING ON BONGOES / / / /

Night had just begun, and I was luckily not tethered to Youmu by the hip, again.

Instead, she was given a sound-based radar. It would apparently start beeping and point an arrow in the direction of where I was, if I wandered off. Something that Yukari apparently had made specifically for her. Go figure.

We were in front of Alice's house. Youmu knocked on the door.

Crea~k…

"...Youmu?" Alice rose a brow. "What could you _possibly_ be doing here this late? It's nearly ten…"

Youmu stared at her tiredly. "Baking a cake."

"At ten in the evening…?" Alice sought confirmation.

"Because I've lost control of my life." Youmu monotoned. "Can we come in?"

"...Sure." Alice shrugged.

We moved inside, and I once again ran my gaze across the doll-laden walls of this house.

We sit down at the table.

…

Youmu rested her head on the table.

"Youmu, I didn't let you in, just so you could drool on my coffee table."

"S-sorry…" Youmu sat up, again. "It's just been a rough week…"

"Do tell." Alice folded her legs. "I've got time."

…

We sat in silence.

"...Hello?" Alice leaned forward. "...Are you feeling alright, Youmu?"

Youmu gives her a conflicted expression, apparently indecisive about continuing.

She eventually continues, but not about her problems. "Do you have any cake supplies we could borrow, Alice?"

Alice gave her a concerned stare, but played along anyway. "...I should have some in here. Give me a moment…"

She gets up, and moves to her counters. To my surprise, the shelves underneath are not, in fact, lined with dolls.

"Speaking of cake ingredients…" I begin. I reach into my bag, and bring out the root piece. "I would like to know how a cake would turn out with this added to it."

Alice paused, and turned around. She looked at the root briefly, before turning back to her counters. "Bad."

...That would be a given, I suppose.

A moment later, and a bag of flour is plopped onto the table. "Here."

"Thanks." Youmu reaches for it.

"I would like an opinion on this piece of wood." I speak up.

Alice gives me an annoyed glance, and reaches for the piece.

…

"Huh." Alice raises a brow. "Saigyou Ayakashi root. I'm pretty sure the cake would come to life and start attacking people. Or, at least, something equally absurd. A reagent with this much darkness has little application other than as a power source."

Hmm. That's interesting…

"It's also hard as a rock." Alice sets it back down. "So unless you took magic and kappa hacksaws to it, you're not going to be able to do much with it."

I raise a brow… "Would it be able to be shaped… into a pair of scissors?"

...Alice nods. "Yeah, there's enough wood for that."

I nod… "...Could you make it?"

"Yeah, I could." Alice didn't even stop to think about it.

...Huh. "...When can I expect it, then?"

...She furrows her brows. "Uhhm… I never said anything about doing it at all, let alone for free."

I smile sheepishly. "A favor?"

Alice lets out a sigh. "Yeah, I know how that road goes. As long as you get it done, I suppose…" She stands. "I require materials for alchemy."

It better be stupid crap like butterflies and common flowers, and not something like Remilia's tea table. Even if that last one is a personal mission of mine…

"I need ten shades of Daybloom." Alice requests of me. "They grow around Gensokyo's overworld. Most of it can be found in this very forest, though. The only one I think you'll have trouble with is the kind only the mansion grows. You'll have to ask for that one."

Or swindle it.

"That, I think I can do." I tell her. "How common are they?"

Alice shrugs. "You'll find them, trust me. The shades are distinct, too. They all appear as yellow flowers, but the shade is in the center. I'll even take them dead, as long as they've not become dust."

Sounds simple enough.

She takes the wood, and pockets it. "I'll begin work on it tomorrow."

It may or may not take me some time to find all of these flowers.

We look over to Youmu, who had begun using the bag of flour as a pillow.

"...Youmu." Alice speaks.

…

"Youmu!"

"Ah-wha!?" She sits up abruptly, looking around. "O-oh…"

"...You're worrying me." Alice states outright. "Something's wrong. Tell me."

Youmu just stares at her.

"...Okay, that may've been a bit harsh…" Alice winces at her own directness. "But, still…"

I bring my arms behind my head. "It seems she is feeling half-dead. Not that that's any different from how she usually is." I grin.

…

Youmu stands up, and grabs me by the collar. "Y-you…"

Holding me up, she marches over to the door, and swings it open.

"You...you wanna run off, and _murder_ people so bad? Fine. Fine! Go ahead! Have fun with the youkai! I'm sure you'll be able to kill a _lot_ of those!" Her expression flares, and she smiles widely.

She pushes me outside forcefully, and I struggle to keep my balance.

"Have fun!"

She slams the door.

…

I hope she realizes that's not her house.

Stepping towards the door, I put my ear up against it-

"I-I hope he _dies!_ "

-not that I needed to, apparently.

From the other end of the door, I can hear Youmu begin sobbing loudly.

"...Wh-where did this come from?" Alice is taken aback by the outburst.

"A-auh…Why does Yu-Yuyuko-sama let him live? Why…?"

What did I even do to you? Aside from harmlessly pester you relentlessly.

"All-all he does is… is _kill_ people 'c-cause it's fu-...fun to him, or something…"

...What does it matter to you? You didn't know any of them.

Alice's footsteps are heard. "There, there…"

"Ahuh…" Youmu sniffs. "I-I feel… I feel so wrong. I'm so sorry, Alice..."

"It's okay…" Alice does comforting things that I can't see because doors.

I assume we're pretty much done here...

"...Al-Alice, I… I want your op-opinion on something…"

Or not.

"Hmm?" Alice would probably tilt her head, if I could see her.

"Would… would I be a b-bad person, if I… if I wanted to kill him?"

I'm quite sure a lot of people wish death upon me, at this point. It's pretty much the default reaction.

Alice takes a moment to consider this. "...Hmm. Everyone feels that way about people sometimes. How serious are you about this?"

Youmu takes a moment, herself. "...I-I want nothing more, than for Yuyuko-sama to give me the go-ahead. He-he'll… he'll kill more. He might kill someone I care about… I-I'm going to prevent that, if I can he-help it." She sniffed.

Everyone you care about is a super-powerful god or deity I can't even touch.

"...I see."

Alice lets Youmu cry for a moment, before she continues. "If he's someone you'd get in trouble for killing, I'd suggest just waiting it out. Otherwise… accidents happen, right? I'm sure Reimu wouldn't get on you, if you weren't _technically_ the one who, you know…"

We~ll. She basically gave the go-ahead for Youmu to kill me, if she wanted.

"...Yo-you're right…" Youmu admitted. "It-it makes me feel so, so rotten, but… this is part of why I took up the sword, in the first place."

Great. Now I have to not only escape from her, but I have to avoid being literally killed by her. That's going to be really annoying.

"If it's what you feel is right." Alice moves away from her. "...Do you want to stay the night?"

"Ye-yes, please. Th-thank you."

...With that, all was silent, except the movement of footsteps.

I'm bored, now.

I turn around, and begin to walk off into the darkness. I don't think I'll find many flowers in the dark, like this…

I think I'll find my way back to the path, and work from there.

Wandering into the woods, I make my way through the snow tracks Youmu and I followed in. Alice seems to have been considerate enough to half-ass a sizable-enough path through the woods.

The snow's beginning to melt a bit, anyway. I don't need to constantly mine at it with my scissors like I'm possessed.

As I trudge through the somewhat cleared snow, I jump as a figure suddenly drops down from the trees in front of me.

"Hehehe~!"

I jump back, and avoid getting grappled by way too many limbs. I end up slipping into the snow, unfortunately, but that's better that getting grabbed by a giant female spider.

She drops to the floor in front of me. "I _thought_ I smelled human blood…!"

I get back up, and see a green-haired… spider girl, apparently. She grins at me, exposing fangs.

I raise a brow at her. "What are you? Some bottom-feeding, scum-sucking algae eater?"

…

"Ru-rude…!" She flinches back, as if offended. "Just because you're scared doesn't mean you can be a total asshole…"

I don't think that was from being scared.

She licks her lips… "You're in no place to talk back to me, human. I'm gonna eat you!"

...That's rather blunt.

She begins strafing around me. After a moment, she begins slowly approaching me, so I backpedal.

She pouts. "...You're _supposed_ to attack me."

Oh.

…

"Ugh…" She shakes her head. "Alright, fine…"

With that, she leapt into the air, and soared over me. As she did so, web shot from her spider behind, which began wrapping around me.

I drew my fire scissors. Ability to be comfortable around flames, go!

I slash at the web building up on my other arm. It lights brightly, but in under a second goes out. A huge chunk of the surrounding web begins to crack and break off, undoing most of her progress. Some of it melts, though, so now I'm covered in white goo...

She turns around, and blinks. "Wh-wha~t? The hell'd you do to my web?"

"Chemistry, bitch." I stomp towards her, but pause when she grins at the action.

"...Oh, no. Please. Don't come closer…"

Her facial expression completely contradicts that statement.

…

I could always dash around, or something. I've got those dash scissors, now…

I draw them in my other hand. Do I need them equipped? I'm going to assume so, for now.

Pretending the gullible fool, I step towards her…

Once I get close enough, she both lunges for me and moves to bite with her fangs. I dash backwards to get out of the way.

"Haompf!" She chomps at the air.

You know what they say about spiders…

I run up to her while she's open, and stab the fire scissors between her breasts. Then, I dash backwards again.

Dashing still feels very weird.

"A-aah…" She looks down at her chest, which was now burning. "O-oh, shit! Fi-fire!? Fire!"

She begins skittering about wildly, before shoving herself into a snow mound nearby.

"A-aa~h… Fu-fucking stings..."

I dash up to her, and capitalize on her moment of weakness by stabbing her in the back.

Fwoom.

"Aa-aaagh!"

She launched herself backwards, knocking me over. She didn't focus on me, however, and began running around again.

"Ma-make it stop! Make it st-sto~p!" She begins grasping for her back, where the flames traveled to her spider half, igniting the furry bits. "No, no, no~! Th-this can't- shit…!"

She ran into a snow mound repeatedly, desperately attempting to rub and smash snow onto herself. "No, no, no… C-c'mon, plea~se- fuck!..."

At this point, she was starting to become a bonfire.

"Fuck! Goddamnit it _hurts!_ "

"Fuck! St-stop! _Fuck!_ I'm not gonna _fucking burn!_ "

Finally, she manages to half-lodge herself into the snow in a way that she buries herself.

…

Well, then.

I step towards the snow mound. After a few moments, she climbs out, her torso half-charred.

She notices me immediately. "St-stay back! Fucking human, I'm wa-warning you…"

"Why should I? We're not done yet, are we?"

Her face contorts to one of rage, and she lashes out at me. I hold up the flame scissors, and flail at her face. She makes attempts to scratch me with her hands- weak but marginally successful- and attempts to bite me, which isn't so successful.

After a few near hits of her face, I finally lodge the scissors in…

Into her _eye_.

Shink.

The reaction is instantaneous.

"Aauh-uaaaa~gh!"

She pulls away from me, the flames running across her face, as her hands go up to pull the scissors out.

Shink…

She tosses them to the ground, as blood flows from her open eye socket, and flames flow freely from it.

"Haauuuaa~h!"

She cups her hands around her eye as the rest of her face burns. After a moment, she shoves her head into the snow mound.

…

She became an ostrich. Hah!

From there, she pulls her head out of the snow, and turns to me, lips quivering.

"I-I… Y-y…"

Tears are flowing from her good eye, and char marks run across her face.

Unfortunately, I will be needing her head for that bounty I heard about.

I exchange my flame scissors for my bloodied, steel scissors.

She eyes my new pair. I switch it and the dash scissors around, so that the steel pair was on the side where her bad eye was.

Then, I dash towards her, and attack the right side of her face. She raises an arm vaguely in the direction of my attack, but I manage to connect with her throat.

Shink.

"Grhk…" Her eyes widen, and she starts to flail her arms at me. She pushes me away with unreal force for someone who should be very well half dead, sending me into the snow again. Her good eye winces as she clutches her new neck wound.

I get back up, and she begins attempting to scurry away. Running after her, she turns to me, and I ready to jab towards her, again. This time, I change it up by dashing _past_ the right side of her face, past her bad eye. She's forced to try to turn completely to see what I'm doing.

From back here, I throw myself at her and jab straight into her neck.

Shink.

"Gu-hhhuuuu~ck!"

A horribly scratchy cough escapes her throat, and I feel the scissors twitch before I pull them out. Blood flows from the new hole in her neck, and she quivers from the new sensation of pain flowing from her neck.

She's more focused on the wound than me, so I move around and try from another side.

Shink!

"Ghk…"

She's clutching her throat with two arms, her remaining eye rolling up into her head…

I stab again.

Shink.

"Ghkaugh! Kauf-kauh-kauh… Hrr-ghghghle…"

After a final series of thrashes and intense spasms from the spider girl, her legs give out, and she limply falls to the ground. Blood bubbles from her neck, and flows from her mouth. She slowly begins slumping over.

…

And now, I've got to behead it.

I kneel, and shove the steel scissors in. I begin carving along the neck, getting rid of the flesh first. The youkai's blood flows from the open neck wounds, getting my hands and the scissors all wet.

Then, I get to work on the tricky spinal bit, which is even tougher because youkai shenanigans. I'm forced to hammer away at it with my steel scissors…

Thump… Thump…

Crack!

After a series of increasingly annoyed strikes, I eventually sever the spinal bit, leaving me with the severed, charred, one-eyed head of a spider girl youkai. Much of her short, bright green hair was now burned.

How to carry this is my next concern… mostly because the thing's dripping everywhere.

Putting away my steel scissors, I simply hold the head by the hair in my other hand. There's not a lot else I can do about it, unless I wish to bloody my sack.

I'm willing to bet Yukari and her cronies might have a problem with this, but to be honest? If humans can protect themselves from youkai, then that right should extend to me. This was _all_ in self-defense.

I assure you.

I continue to walk down the forest trail, bloody head in one hand, and dash scissors in the other.

You know what would've been great? If I was able to drag the beheaded body back to Alice's abode, and leave it at the front door step. Youmu would _freak out_. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure I'd get jumped multiple times. Slow moving people are slow moving targets.

As I walk down the forest path, I hear footsteps fall into synch with mine behind me. I think I'll just ignore those, unless they get closer…

Purple lights hang dimly in the sky ahead, before going out as I approach. I hear faint whispering above me as I walk under them. Just another reason to keep walking.

Walking past a small pond, I pay it little mind-

Splash!

Until some sort of sleek-skinned girl leaps from it. I dash ahead as she grapples towards my previous position.

"Huma~n! You're- hey! Come back!"

I hear a whole series of voices behind me. "Dammit! I was stalking him, you toad's ass!" A gruff man spoke.

"Wha~h? You and your army of stupid fairies?" The frog girl tilted her head.

The fairies suddenly glowed brightly. "Stupid froggi- I mean… ahem, 'toad's ass'." A rather accentuated fairy spoke.

"I-I wanted…" The other purple fairy mumbled.

The gruff youkai looked around. "The fuck… This was my kill! I saw him!"

"Is that so~?"

That _might_ be a few too many faces to deal with. Just maybe.

I'm also glad I still have these dash scissors equipped…

Abruptly, I quickly begin dashing ahead, the scissors boosting me ahead by segments.

"He's running!" Way too many youkai exclaim at once.

Danmaku whirls past me, of many colors. I hear water sloshing around, for some reason, as well. Purple is the more common color, though.

More night fairies directly engage me from ahead on the path, and I slide past them. Not without getting pegged by some danmaku particles, of course. It stings, but that's better than dying horribly.

I see more spider youkai begin dropping from trees ahead, in an attempt to deny my further passage, but they don't fire anything, so they don't prove terribly big obstacles…

In about ten minutes, I have an angry mob of youkai behind me.

"Fucking move, you amateurs!"

"Romanazi-chan, you're stepping on my face!"

"I can't _leap_ if you're in my _leaping space!_ "

"Is that so~?"

"That _is_ so, you stupid- _ouch!_ "

Pi~chun!

I continue to slide forward with each dash, skidding along the uneven snowy flooring. Each dash is more disorienting than the last, and I find myself stumbling more and more after each one. I still keep good distance from _most_ of the pursuing youkai…

"Slow do~wn!"

Rumia can actually fly, though. The dark fairies can, too, but-

Pi~chun!

She also happens to be tearing through whatever fairies manage to get in her way.

Fortunately, it's not long before I break the edge of the forest, and find myself in the snowy trench outside the Hakurei Shrine. Scrambling along, I make haste to the shrine's steps.

The good news? I'm right outside the Hakurei Shrine.

Bad news? Stairs.

I can't quite dash up these, I'm sure. The best I can do is shamble up them like a deranged madman, mostly because I'm exhausted. That dash scissor isn't the most forgiving instrument. Since I can't use it here, I decide to put it away...

A stream of danmaku riddles my back. "Ghh…"

"Finally!" Rumia catches up to me, and floats around nearby. She has her arms spread wide, and she's grinning. More importantly, her darkness is down. "Dinner ti~me!"

I draw my flame scissors as I scramble up the stairs. The other youkai have caught up to the bottom of the stairs, but if they couldn't deal with chasing me on a nearly flat surface, they can't follow me up an entire flight of stairs.

I'm nearly at the top…

"You!"

Rumia whirls out of the way of a purple beam.

"That individual human being was _ours!_ " A fairy with a peculiarly fancy hairdo flew over me, focusing on Rumia. "He was to be our jester for the evening, and that would be that!"

Rumia bared her teeth. "But I'm hungry _now!_ "

She threw herself at the fairy, grappling her. "And I can't eat stupid fairies!"

She sunk her teeth into the fairy's neck.

Pi~chun!

The top of the stairs are reached, and I move my legs as fast as I am able to reach the shrine's doors. Ignoring the burning sensation as best I could, I slide open the door, and slide it shut again once inside.

…

Danmaku began pattering against the shrine.

Glancing around the shrine, I see…

That little blonde mage kid. Fred, I think? What is _he_ doing here? He's hanging from the ceiling, slowly twirling in place.

"O-oh, thank gods… S-someone…!" Fred notices me. "Chap! He~lp!"

Reimu must be into some kinky shit.

I hold up the head of the youkai I killed. "Hey, Fred. Want a kiss?"

Fred's eyes widen. "O-oh, gods! Who the bloody hell participates at this shrine!?"

The shrine's door receives a new hole, as Rumia's arms pierce through it.

Oh, boy. I might just go hide, or something.

"F-fuhuhu~ck!" Fred begins wiggling in an attempt to escape.

Enough thrashing from Rumia eventually creates a hole in the door. "Hehehe~! Reimu left me a sna~ck!"

Fred's struggling becomes intense, while I walk back to the other end of the room.

Then, someone stands up from out of the floor, smashing a hole in it. "Aa~h! S'pub ti~me!"

Say what?

Suika looks around… "...Ah, shit. Shorry, Reims…" Lethargically, she clambers out of the hole in the floor, and stands up.

Rumia launches from the door, and chomps down on Suika's arm.

…

"Oi, oi…" Suika lifts her arm. "Where'd y' come from? Yer that… dark youkai, yeah?"

Rumia adjusts her position, and tries again. Then, she removes her mouth from Suika's arm, and spits in a different direction. "Eeww… You taste bad…"

Suika snorts. "Wha~? S'caush I'm an oni?... Hahaha~!"

She pulls Rumia in a headlock, and starts to haul her outside. "C'mon, the ladsh a' the pub'll get a kick'a'you!"

...Rumia vainly struggles, clawing at Suika's arm as she is dragged outside. Suika waltzes through the rest of the door.

…

"Wh-wh…" Fred's left eye twitches. "...Take me with yo~u!"

Have fun, Fred.

...The surprised and fearful shouts of other youkai outside are heard for a few minutes, before everything but the sound of crickets goes quiet.

It is now time for the big snooze.

…

I move through the doors to what seems to be Reimu's room. Then, I pick up her futon and carry it back out into the main room. I plop it on the kotatsu.

It is now a futon defense unit. Now nothing can attack me in my sleep.

Except Reimu.

...I move to the kitchen, and consider where to stash the severed head for the night. Considering I want to drain out this blood…

I plop it in the sink, and remove the drain. Dry blood in a pool would just be a mess, and not the amusingly shocking kind. It'd be more like 'now I have to scrape this all off the head' kind, which is the worst kind. When I bring it back to the human village, I assume I'm gonna need it to at least be a semblance of a female youkai head.

Moving up to the kotatsu, I crawl under it…

"He-hey, you! Let me down! Lemme down!" Fred yelled obnoxiously.

I peek out from under the kotatsu. "Be quiet. I'm _trying_ to sleep, here."

"No! I won't until you free me, yo-youkai!"

If I was little Rumia out there, I'd've gobbled him up already. Believe me.

After all of that, though, I think I don't care about the noise…

"Free me!" Fred lets out his rebellious side. "Free, me! Free, me! Free, me!"

My eyes slowly begin to drift shut…

"Fuh-ree! Me! Asshole! Free-hee, mee-hee! Free! Me free!"

Ugh… I lift the kotatsu blanket again. "Do you _want_ me to toss you outside with the youkai!?"

…

Much better…

/ / / / FLUFFLE UNIVERSE / / / /

Haku-whatever at least has beds. Beds that I don't need to sleep in with all my clothes on.

I don't really mind, that, though. The real sticker is the fact that, even under the kotatsu, the floor happens to be wood.

Crawling out from underneath it, I see that Fred has also fallen asleep. He's managed to half-untie himself, or something, it seems.

...I make my way to the kitchen, and reclaim the head. Blood stained the metal, bowl-esque shape of the sink. Reimu won't mind, I'm sure.

Time to turn this in at the village!

The blown-out door of the shrine allows me to easily make my way out. From there, I proceed down the stairs- a far more enjoyable experience than going up them, I assure you.

The snow on the way down the stairs is far more disturbed than I remember it. I wonder how tolerant youkai are when it comes to cold weather…

Walking to the human village is refreshingly mundane.

Upon reaching the gate, I'm greeted by a guard.

"You. State your…" He trails off, staring down at the severed head I held.

"Bounty." I state. "It's part of the village's youkai bounty. The fifty thousand yen one, yes?"

He blinks. "Well… I-I guess. I don't know much about it, myself… You're a hunter, then?"

Sure. "Yes."

"Go right on in…" He steps out of the way of the already open gate. Hmm...

I walk inside, and tread through the village streets. I very quickly get numerous glances from all the nearby villagers as I make my way into the village, and past the village square…

"Is-is that…?"

"What the hell..."

"He~y! Looks like he bagged that youkai!"

Reactions are mixed, to be certain. I don't think the town treats it as an entirely peculiar event, which is probably a bad thing. Numerous other villagers don't even bother to look.

I reach the guard headquarters, and step inside…

The men at their desks pay me little mind, until I step up to the front desk and lay the head down on it.

The clerk's eyes widen. "Wh- uhh, sir…?"

"I am here for my fifty thousand yen." I tell him. "This is the head of the youkai you wanted."

...The man nods. "Hmm. Excellent. You've done well, then…" He lifts the head, and examines it himself. "...Why is it burned?"

Hmm… "Flaming arrow."

He nods, again. "Ah. Yes, I see… Very well. Let me get the bounty reward, for you…"

Good, good…

…

The old clerk comes back out, with a small pouch. "Fifty thousand yen. All set, and ready to go."

"Thank you very much." I take the bag, and begin leaving.

"Before you go…" The man raises his hand. "What is your name, exterminator?"

I turn to him.

"...Satanslaughter McKillgore." I smirk.

…

He blinks. "...We-well, if you say so… How might we contact you, if we need another job done?"

"A dark ritual involving the blood of the innocents, and candy." I fold my arms.

...The clerk scratches his head, confused.

Hmm. "...You'll find me, basically." Probably not.

He nods. "Oh, alright. Take care, then."

With that, I walk out of the guard headquarters…

/ / / / fluffmore and FLUFFIGAN / / / /

The grand adventure of Satanslaughter McKillgore begins.

No one has come to ransack me, yet, it seems. I did not anticipate being given this much free time.

Fifty seven thousand yen is on me, now.

I wander into the village square with my money stashed in my bag of not-so-holding. Bag of somewhat-holding?

A rather curious party passes by in front of me.

"Nuh-uh. If we're goin' to beat the shit outta teach, we need ta be just as cheap."

Marisa and Reimu pass by me, talking to each other.

Reimu looked apprehensive. "I don't know… Potions aren't really my style…"

"Everyone downs potions, Reimu! 'Cept for the ones that don't need to… which is everyone that isn't me." Marisa looks sheepish. "But, c'mon, Reimu! A little health'll do ya some good!"

"...I'll shop around, but I'm _not_ buying health potions. My body doesn't need that stuff." Reimu shook her head. "...I've seen what it does to people, too."

Marisa grins. "Pffft… A lil pukin's got ya scared? Who're you, 'n' what've ya done with Reimu, ze?"

Reimu addresses her with disdain. "I'm not _scared._ It's just that the stuff's bad for you. The fact your body has to puke something back up is just proof of it."

Health potions? That's… more convenient than I had anticipated, to be honest. That last part, however, doesn't sound very convenient. I don't know how good they are, either, so I shouldn't be quick to judge.

I might tag along with them, however. Effective or otherwise, I would at least like to know more about this land's health regeneration items.

"Hello, comrades." I greet them politely as I walk up behind them. "I would like to know more about the science of health potions."

They both turn to me with dry expressions, before looking ahead again. "Sure, ze. My dad'll tell ya everything y'need to know. You won't even be able ta get 'em to shut up."

I'm not sure if that's reassuring or not.

"Be nice when you see him." Reimu scoffs at her friend. "He's getting old, you know."

Marisa snorts. "When the shinigami comes 'a' knockin', he's gonna knock _them_. Mark my words, ze."

Considering he fathered Marisa, I'm half expecting him to be some sort of all-powerful wizard.

/ / / / BEHOLD THE WIZARD / / / /

...I had the 'wizard' part right, at least.

"Twice in one month?" The old man at the counter smiled widely. "S'this a favor from some kinda god?"

"He~y, dad!" Marisa waves as she walks in. "I'm'onna need like, a pail of health potions!"

His smile faltered. "Aa~h… You scare me, when you ask for such things, you know?"

Marisa rolled her eyes. "I'd make 'em myself, but I just need so many, and it's like… yeah." She began to move behind the counter, kneeling to grab some items underneath it.

"Not, uh, my point, exactly…" Old man Kirisame scratches the back of his head. He then catches sight of Reimu and me. "Ah, I see she's out and about, again. You doin' better today, Reimu?"

Reimu smiled. "Ahah… A little. I'm just here to shop around, is all."

He rolled his eyes. "Right, well, considering you just barged in yesterday and used my holy supplies, I don't see why not…"

"Thanks."

With that, Reimu went to browse the shelves of the claustrophobic shop.

...I walk up to the counter, and the man turns his attention on me.

"And you are…?"

This would normally be the part where one might go 'it's rude to ask for names', but I have better plans. "Satanslaughter McKillgore."

…

Old man Kirisame breaks into a grin, and starts laughing. "Hahahahah… Alright, cowboy. Y'came for mana bombs, or somethin'? Those cost extra, y'know."

Marisa pauses beneath the desk, chuckling. "Pfft… Wh-what…?"

Mana bombs, hmm? As much as I like the sound of that, bombs typically aren't cheap. Well, unless they're the D.I.Y. kind, but those aren't usually that great… "How much is it for a mana bomb?"

"So I was right…" Old man Kirisame grins, folding his arms and resting them on the desk. "We~ll… How much d'you know 'bout mana bombs?"

"They're magical." I provide. "...They're also bombs."

…

"Okay." He takes a deep breath. "So, basically, we've got ones fer impact, one fer killin', and ones fer danmaku. In simpler terms: rocks, people, and… danmaku."

Reimu sticks her head out from above the shelves. "If anyone buys any of that second type, I'd like to have words with them!"

Hmm… "What is the price range?" I must know this.

He shrugs. "We~ll, danmaku's cheap. Stuff's like, I dunno, two to five thousand a pop? I'm workin' on cheaper ones, stuff that dispenses danmaku's becomin' a big hit among the villagers these days. I'd be a dumbass not to jump on that bandwagon."

Marisa stands from under the counter, holding a bundle of health potions between her arms. "People're actually interested in danmaku? Ge~t out, ze…"

Old man Kirisame shrugged. "Only the civilian villagers, though. The guards've never so much as set a foot in here."

"They'd better keep it that way." Marisa adds. I've noticed she can add finality to her tone quite distinctly. This is one of those statements she's serious about, then.

She walks off to the shelves. "He~y, Reimu. Carry these fer me, would ya?"

Reimu simply turned away from her. "Get a bag, you."

...Old man Kirisame and I return our attention to each other. "So, yeah. The deadlier bombs cost ten thousand for starters, and can go up to a hundred thousand if you want somethin' big. Exterminators love their bombs, 'n' that's one of the reasons I keep my prices high."

That's just a little out of my price range, I'd say. I'd also rather not blow all fifty thousand on _bombs_ , if I could help it.

I think that's enough about bombs. Let's talk… "I heard health potions are a thing."

...He nods. "Good for you!"

"How effective are they?" The question of questions.

He pauses. "...Basically somethin' like youkai regeneration, 'cept really fast for about a minute. Lotta people knock it for not bein' instant, like in the fairy tales they grew up with." He grins, shaking his head. "So then they go 'n' lay in bed for a week! Hahaha~!"

He reaches under his counter… "...I also seem to be out of health potions, at the moment." He slowly raises back up. "Aaa~h, that daughter 'a' mine…"

Hmm. I suppose it'd be useless to ask about their price, then.

"Come back tomorrow, and I could hook ya up." He looks at the aisles, where Reimu and Marisa are currently browsing. I look over…

Reimu is behind a shelf, trying to stabilize it from falling over, while Marisa pulls it back to stability from the front. It rocks back and forth upon stabilization a bit, the boxes and sticks on it falling off. "Eheheh… Sorry, Reimu-ze!"

Reimu stomps around the shelf. "What do you think you're doing!?"

"...Lively." I comment.

"Mmm." Kirisame nods. "...Wonderful, isn't it?"

"Sure."

…

Before long, we get ready to leave the store. I had decided to stick around and browse for a while, myself, but most of what I saw was either incomprehensible, unrecognizable, or simply useless.

"Take care, you two! Keep her from blowin' herself up, Reimu!" Kirisame sees the girls off, as they move to the front of the store.

"Mmm." Reimu moves for the door…

Marisa walks up to the counter. "See ya, Dad."

He waves. "Don't lose any limbs, out there. Unless you're friends with a necromancer. Actually, even then, still don't."

She grins. "I'll keep that in mind…"

…"Actually, before you go…" He sticks his hands out, and gestures for her to come closer.

I sidle closer a little, pretending to browse wares…

"...I told you 'bout Sally, yeah?" He raises a brow.

Marisa nods. "Yeah, you told me. Couldn't believe it, myself. I'm startin' to hate this village. Like, _hate_ hate."

Kirisame sighed. "I just don't know about this place… Maria lives with her… what're they, uncles and aunts? Grand uncles?" He shakes his head, grinning. "I was never good at that sorta thing. I-"

"Marisa~!" Reimu hollers from outside.

Marisa smiles. "See ya, Dad. Stay safe."

"Y-you too…" He waves.

…

"...You've been browsin' an awful long time, there, sparky." Kirisame rose his voice. "I dunno who you work for, but if it's the town guard, ya can tell 'em to kiss my ass."

I'll keep that in mind.

...I don't really think there's many things for me, here. I begin to leave. "Have a nice day."

"Don't be a stranger." He waves half-heartedly at me as I leave.

/ / / / FLUFFY HAIR HANDLEBARS / / / /

Flower fetch quest. There's probably an easy way to half-ass it, and it probably involves fairies. Just not night fairies, because those guys are huge assholes, it seems.

...Now that I have money, maybe something to _actually_ bribe them with would get the job done that much faster.

I take to the main street once more. I'm perplexed by how busy it is, every day.

Stalls upon stalls of people. I pick a red and black colored one. It has a very distinct sort of color scheme, one that I find to be unique in comparison to the wooden, brown stalls nearby.

A woman with dark grey hair, and a tall… tower hat thing mans the fancy stand. "U-uhm… Hast thou arrived to receive thy blessing?"

What. No.

"...Do you sell any candy?" I flatly ask.

She flinches back from my words existing. "...We-well, one could saith a blessing's sweeter than our sun's milky rays, forsooth?"

"Speak words that make sense in our current timeline." I am in no mood for the games and the memes. Also, nothing she said in that sentence seemed to be about candy, either.

She taps her fingers together, looking to the side apprehensively. "...M-my words make marvellous utmost sense." She stands up straight. "To buy for the cause is thy greatest honor! On the faith, zo!" She bows onto the desk.

...Those words made _less_ sense. I am disappoint.

"Do you at least know _where_ I could buy candy?" I stare at her.

"...I've only derived structures of political importance." She sighs. "I owe the utmost sorrow…"

Well, at least she's sorry.

I walk away from the stand. She raises a hand, but quickly decides not to call out for me.

Eventually, I come to a plain, brown stand. The vendor has an apron and a chef's hat on, for whatever reason.

He smiles as I approach. "Welcome! I take it you've read the sign, ye~s?"

It's in Japanese. "Nope."

…

He grins. "Hahaha~h… Right, what'll it be?"

U~h… "What's there to buy?"

The man's face twitches slightly. "...Here."

He places a few pieces of candy on the table.

"We've got lollis, peppermints, and the exclusive Yakumo-blend Fish Cracker. Basically, anyway." He folds his arms. "One pound for a thousand yen. That's the standard pricing."

He pulls a small weight scale from under the counter. "Here."

...Normally I'd say one pound of candy is sizable, but we're talking a gaggle of fairies. I don't wish to spend much either, so~... I could always go for the middle man of two to three pounds, or so. It's only ten flowers, anyway.

I'd also like to know why everyone talks fluent English despite all the writing being Japanese. Infact…

"How does everyone here speak English so well?" I ask the chef-esque young man.

He blinks. "...I wouldn't say everyone. I guess a few hobbyists and stuff know it, along with the village politicians and such. I don't know any of it, myself. I don't really care to know it, either."

...Well, that's a thing.

...I look at the candy pieces. "It'd be nice if I had some candy to weigh."

The man perks up. "Oh- terribly sorry…"

He bends over, and lifts large tubs of each of the candy he described. Well, except for the crackers, which are actually pre-packaged Goldfish crackers. They were even still in the supermarket-oriented, mass-produced bags that lined shelves.

...As interesting as those are, I think I'll buy actual candy. Dipping my hands into the candy barrels, I suddenly realized that this place doesn't have those sanitary claw-handle things. Anybody could've been touching this candy, and in a village that probably has no to little plumbing…

Yeah. I'm suddenly a little less bothered by tossing this stuff to the fairy rabble.

I get three pounds of lollipops and peppermints.

He gives me a bag for the candy, one of the brown paper kinds. "That'll be three thousand yen, sir."

I hand over the yen. I now have fifty-four thousand yen in reserve...

"Tha~nk you!" He suddenly perks up. "Come again a~ny time, sir."

He was hospitable enough.

With my new bag of candy, I begin moving to the village gates…

/ / / / THOU MUST SLAYTH A DRAGON IN SKYRIM / / / /

I wander the field of Gensokyo for fairy friends. More specifically, the fields near the Misty Lake.

The sand ahead of me is disturbed with a sudden _thump_ , and I shield my eyes from the splash of sand…

What is this…!?

...The sand dissipates, and I see Cirno ahead of me, bent over with her head in the sand.

Oh.

"Ci-Cirno-chan!"

Daiyousei floats down, a terrified expression on her face. "Omigod Cirno-chan I didn't mean it! Are you al-ok-alrightkay!?"

...Cirno wiggles a little, but fails to pull her head from the sand.

"Oh, Cirno-cha~n!" Daiyousei hugs her.

Huh.

"...I am here on fairy business." I begin my proposal.

Daiyousei looks over to me. "He-help!" She tugs on Cirno herself, but doesn't succeed in freeing her.

...Reluctantly, I move to the other side of Cirno, and help the fairy pull…

After a small struggle, we pull Cirno free.

"Hwa~h!"

...She looks around, and wipes some sand from her face. "...What happened?" She notices Daiyousei. "...Did eye win?"

Daiyousei blinked. "Uhm… maybe?"

"Yea~h!" Cirno cheered.

Cuddly fairy friends. In any case… "I wish for the two of you to locate me some flowers." I announce. Not the most graceful, but I don't need to be, here.

...Cirno furrows her brows. "Eye'm pretty sure _eye_ told people what to do 'round here…"

I hold up the brown paper bag. "I have candy. It's also just Daybloom I need."

Cirno grins. "Candy!? Gimme gimme- hey!"

Daiyousei grabs her shoulders. "A-ah, we can find you some Daybloom! How much do you want…?"

Hmm… "Ten shades, if you could."

...Daiyousei tilts her head. "T-ten…? That… that many don't exist, I don't think…"

Cirno looks at her. "What's Daybloom?"

"It's a common flower… But, I was pretty sure, there were only nine shades or so…" Daiyousei pouted. "...I'll bring you as many as I can."

That works, I suppose. If the last is supposedly only at the mansion, it might be natural that she doesn't know of it.

Cirno nodded enthusiastically. "Alright! Eye'll find all the Dayboom! Even the tenth shade!" Cirno puts a thumb to her chest. "Mark my words!"

Admirable enthusiasm.

With that, Cirno bolted off. "Cirno- wait! It-it's called Day… bloom..."

Daiyousei slouched, her friend soaring into the distance. "...They grow right around here, too. Wait here, mister. It'll be just a moment…"

I suppose I will, then.

...I might have to take residence in the human village for the time being, as it seems Youmu is not in the mood to hunt me down. That's fine by me.

I stick my hands in my pockets, and wait for the fairy to hunt down the flowers. Despite the cold, it's a rather nice day.

/ / / / WINDSWEPT FLUFFLES / / / /

"Here, mister…"

Daiyousei handed me a literal pile of Daybloom. "There should be at least two or three of every shade in there. There were only nine, though…"

I am unsure where I'll keep all these flowers. I suppose my bag; it's not as though I kept many things in it, anyway.

I scoop all the flowers into the sack, with the fluffy hooligan and the bomb book.

Daiyousei promptly accepts the bag of candy from me. She looks into it, and smiles. "Wo~w… Thanks, mister!"

Gotta spend money to make money, as they say.

Wait…

"Where did you find these flowers?" I ask her. There's snow absolutely everywhere.

Daiyousei shrugged. "I dug a little. Daybloom's pretty, but it grows everywhere."

Ah. That doesn't explain how she still managed to find a whole pile of them in spite of that fact. I'll just assume it's because she's a fairy, or something…

I begin walking back to the village.

"Ah… Take care, mister!"

Mmm.

/ / / / FLUFFLES IN SKYRIM / / / /

Town square. Lots of people.

Lots of _uninteresting_ people. Uninterestingly interesting people, to be specific. You know, I thought it'd be a lot more liberating to escape Hakugyokurou, but as it turns out, it's just as boring out here.

Grass is always greener, somewhat. Except I really am glad to not be tied down, there.

...I walk up to the doors of a pub. At this point, I've just been exploring randomly in an attempt to get my bearings, here.

I step inside…

 _That_ alcohol smell. It's quite pungent…

On the inside, there are many men at the tables around the place. The bar is alive with the chatter and jeering of burly, drunk men.

Hey, with any luck, someone'll challenge me to a bar fight. It'd give me a good excuse to stab someone… or, at the very least, be something interesting.

I wonder how good this place would burn, with all the alcohol in the air? I think it's a little too early to start thinking about that, though. The last thing I'd need is for way too many things to burn down at once. This village likely has an abysmal real estate situation as it is.

...I near the bar counter, and sight a fluffle standing on it. It's kicking its little legs in place, holding two mugs of beer in each hand. Then, it pours them both on itself, and slips. It continues to slip in place, constantly rolling, yet not moving forward. It has discovered perpetual motion.

...Maybe it's not too early to burn this place…

"Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!"

To my right, there seems to be a drinking contest. Men are cheering on two peculiar individuals…

Suika is grinning, patting a certain youkai of darkness on the back. "C'mo~n! Y've gotta!"

Rumia's completely smashfaced. "Aa~hh… Hic! Yummy… loaves…" With that, she reeled back and drank from her mug, guzzling it down. The crowd gasps.

In the other corner of the table, Komachi's holding the shoulders of her completely voluntary contestant. "Y'lose this, 'n' I drown ya in ale, shortstuff."

Cirno lifts her mug abruptly, sending beer splashing out of it. _This_ is where she went, apparently. I could even see Daybloom apparently smeared on the side of her glass, a few petals loosely hanging onto the side.

"Aa~h… E-Eyeuhm… shtrongesh!" She brought the beer glass to her face, and smashed it into her face. Literally. She broke the glass on her face.

Shatter!

Komachi jumped back in surprise, and they both fell off their seats, to the floor. The crowd laughed in a rowdy manner.

"Shtay down!" Suika grinned widely. "Y'cahn't outdrink the… the munch!"

...Cirno flung herself up, and onto the table. She began crawling across it… "Ee~ye…!"

"Oo~h!" Some members of the crowd rose from their seats.

Rumia dropped her glass on the counter, and it shattered. "Yoo~h! Yer yummy!"

Rumia launched herself at Cirno, and bit her in the face.

"Aaa-aa~h!" Cirno began thrashing, and launching ice randomly. Mugs of beer went flying, and I quickly backpedaled as the rest of the crowd began stampeding to the other ends of the bar.

"Hraagh!" Rumia growled, biting and clawing at Cirno.

Pi~chun!

A final blast of arctic air was unleashed on the bar table, and Rumia was frozen in a block of ice, suspended over the table, her mouth wide open.

...The barkeeper stood up from behind his counter, and sighed. "...You guys know tables cost extra, right?"

Suika pulled her face from the ice, which had partially generated on her. "Yea~h, bill Komachi! She losht!"

Komachi crawled out from under the table. "...Dhamn fairies… can't hold a drop 'a' booze."

The bar doors slammed open. "What's going on in here!?"

It's that swordswoman from the stands, earlier.

Suika looked around slowly, and realized the woman's gaze was on herself. "...O-oh, who, me…?"

"Yes, you." She scowled. "Why are you throwing _spells_ around in a human pub?"

...Suika scratched her cheek. "...Wha~h?"

The swordswoman marched towards her. "Don't you play dumb with me, youkai…"

She kneeled, and tried to grab Suika by the collar, only to be unable to lift her.

Suika smiled widely, and threw an arm around her. "Aa~w, c'mon! Look, I'll even buy fer ya…"

She threw her arm across the table, and the ice block holding Rumia slid right off of it and onto the floor.

"Wh-what!?" The swordswoman began struggling. "No! Guards! Gua~rds!"

Suika blinked. "Gee~sh, yer a loud one!"

...She rose her arms to request a drink from the barkeeper, but as she did so, the swordswoman rolled out from under her arms, and leapt away. "I will be back, and when I am, you had best be absent!"

Suika grimaced. "Aa~h, shit… My conteshtahnt goh' away…"

Komachi rose to the table again. "Hah!"

As fun as sticking around would be, I don't think getting in the crossfire of a guard legion versus oni battle would be good for anybody involved.

I stand, and begin for the door…

Komachi points at me. "Oi! You!"

Nope! Nope! I _like_ being in control!

I feel her hand on my shoulder, but I give it my all to get to the door and sprint like a madman. Outside the shop, I turn and see Komachi, somehow at the door despite her distance away from it previously.

"Get bahck here!"

I pull out my dash scissors, and begin sliding down the road in segments. With each slide, I break from an arm that attempts to grapple me. How is she keeping up!?

To escape her, I take to the alleyways, and enough complex sliding around eventually yields me the pristine hiding place of an open door. I throw myself inside, and hug the wall…

…

"Graa~h!" Komachi wails. "How'd the fhuck I loesh him…?"

…

The room's a simple indoor… segment room, or something. Indoor patio? Hmm. In any case, it holds little but a welcome mat and another door. I jiggle the handle of that one, but it's actually locked.

My question is why there's a welcome mat here, if I got into this door from an alleyway.

...Proceeding back into the alley, I make a mental note not to re-enter the pub without proper headwear, armor, and preferably, parental guidance.

/ / / / A FLUFFNUGGET KIND OF DAY / / / /

Late in the uneventful day, I knock on Sekibanki's door. At least, I think it is…

The door swings open, and a white-haired woman stares at me.

Oh. I think it was the next one over…

"Wrong house." I wave her off.

...She narrows her eyes at me, and closes the door. Everyone's a critic.

...I knock on what I hope is Sekibanki's door.

…

She opens it, and raises a brow.

"I happen to need residence for the evening." I inform her.

She sighs, and closes the door in my face.

…

I knock again.

She opens it back up. "...On second thought, sure. You'll have to do my grocery shopping tomorrow, though."

Hmph. Living involves doing a lot of things for other people, it seems.

"Su~re." I half-heartedly agree.

I assume she doesn't need much. Otherwise, that alley right next to her house looks about equally as appealing…

/ / / / FREAKIN GENSOKYO / / / /

CHAPTER 37.5 END

PROTAGONIST: Matthew, the Debatably Sane Outsider, Lord of Edges, Scissor-Slinging Slasher

PRIMARY WEAPON: Bloodied Steel Scissors - Stained lightly with fresh blood from a young human female. Sharp, shiny-ish, and to the point!

INVENTORY:

Steel scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Quick Scissorang - Non-elemental scissors that are enchanted to return to the owner with ferocity. Not that powerful of a weapon, but combined with strong string it can be used like a powerful grappling hook. Looks like it belongs in a Barbie catalog.

Flame Scissors - Fire-elemental scissors that have an incendiary effect on strike. Boosts fire magic and abilities, as if I had any. Enchanted to grant 20% fire resistance, and reduce discomfort near fire.

Sleek Black Scissors - Succubus training tool. Allows for horizontal quick-dashes, for dodging and agility purposes. Doubles as scissors for kinky, cloth-cutting occasions. Or stabbing.

Steel-alloy String - An experimental item provided by Alice as part of her testing. She uses these herself to manage her dolls, or so I'm told.

A Tuft of Cloth Strings - Pink, regular cotton string. It's soft, and clean.

A Fluffy Hooligan - Soft, and warm to the touch. Ech!

Book of Rebomb - Teaches basic and advanced bomb magic. Written in some fantastical language, so I can't read it.

A Fuckton of Daybloom - Bland yellow flowers, with colored pollen in the center. Somewhat crushed by snow, and mangled from being plucked, but otherwise okay.

(no more empty space)

PARTY:

Rebomb Fluffle - Soft, and warm to the touch. Ech! Has a gag on to keep it from casting Rebomb over and over again, which would be a very bad time.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Rebomb - Advanced bomb spell that blows up the nearby vicinity with random bombs. Very random damage.

INVENTORY:

Finsticuffs.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

didn't take quite as much forever this time but still took too~ long!

stuff is in the works for matt to get more EQUIPS AND THINGS per MUCH AVID BEGGING AND BRUTEFORCING along with actual persuasion!

also first YOUKAI KILL, yo ho ho

as always, see you all next time!

CO-AUTHOR'S NOTE:

^ i had two different pairs of scissors (freakin SCISSORS) and that's it. wadda ya want from me

delicious sadism and emotional scarring this time that people are gonna hate me for, that i can tell. the youkai fight mighta seemed extremely one-sided, but that's because it was. webs disintegrate from even the faintest hint of fire, and dashing is very useful for maneuverability. coulda been worse without the snow to put out the fire

it was also not a generic wolfman this time… except during the chase scene

still didn't do everything i wanted this time due to chapter length but that'll be for next time

by next time i mean likely three chapters after this one.


	46. Dance of Lolillusions

(in which we have a clumsy stumbling of illusions)

"Hey, hey, hey!" Reimu held up her arms, marching towards Sakuya. "No stabbing! We requested him for a reason, you know."

"As funny as that'd be," Marisa half-grins, "We ki~nda need him, fer now. Sorry, ze."

...Sakuya lowers her knives from my face. "I was only scaring him, anyway. If I had stabbed him, it would be with danmaku."

...Phew.

"Are them pads danmaku, too?" Marisa fully grins. "Haha- oompf!"

A stream of danmaku knives fly into her stomach, forcing her to fall backwards onto her ass.

"Sit down." Sakuya disappears.

...Marisa pouted, slowly getting back up.

Reimu sighed. "You deserved that, you know. What even made you think to do that?"

"...I wasn't?" Marisa grinned again.

Reimu nodded. "Of course."

"As expected." Patchouli monotoned from her desk. "In any case, as stated previously, Mima is currently traveling alongside the Sanzu River."

Insta-death river! No~pe. Not havin' any of that, yo.

"She seems to have attracted a small band of youkai to assist her, with whatever she's trying to do." Patchouli tilts her head. "These youkai include wolf humanoids, dark magi, and fluffles."

...Wolfmen, dark mages, and _fluffles_.

"Fluffles." Reimu echoes.

Marisa snorts. "Fluffles?"

"...Fluffles." Patchouli stares back down at a large tome on her desk. "The dark magi are weak. Marisa can deal with them. Hakurei, you can seal the wolves, and the fluffles… should be of no concern."

...I feel like that last part won't go so right, just because that's how fluffles _are_. Then again, Reimu and Marisa are freakin' burly.

Patchouli's gaze shifts to me. "You cannot participate in the combat."

No~ problem! "But can I participate… in the _wombats?_ "

...

"You are, however, to assist the Hakurei and Marisa in any way possible, beforehand." She instructs me, ignoring my previous statement.

Wait, yo, woah. "Wha- yo. Hey. He~y."

…"This is the part where I make a counter argument that involves the fact you're trying to live here." Patchouli rolls her eyes. "They don't bite. At the most, they'll send you shopping at the human village."

Da~h, the human village ain't doin' so hot, right now…

"I already did my shopping." Reimu declares. "...Unless you need something, Marisa?"

She nodded. "Yeah, I'll be needin' some potions, and stuff. Better safe than sorry, yeah?"

Reimu jerked her head back. "...That's unlike you."

"Well, y'know, dark mages. They like their life sappin', mana sappin', sappy sap shit… and, I guess I like coming prepared, once in awhile." She begrudgingly admitted.

Reimu smiles. "If only you'd plan like this more often."

"If only you _thought_." Patchouli jabbed. "Today was surely a miracle."

Marisa grins at her.

"...It still doesn't explain why you took _two days_ just to get here for me to contact you. This matter is important." Patchouli's expression shifts, appearing slightly cross. "The whole point of the scouting system was not only to obtain information at all, but also to transmit it swiftly. Swift transmission is impossible without cooperation."

Marisa's expression deflates a bit.

Reimu moves to complain, but I step in! "Patchy, you shoulda like, added a little lightbulb that blinks. Like… yo."

...She stares at me vainly. "If I could have, I _would._ "

Oof.

Reimu proceeds to complain, anyway. "Look, I was busy. I-"

"I'm sure." Patchouli spoke over her. "See to it that your punctuality improves, hmm? Though I may not be able to enforce it, I am still able to at the very least provide criticism."

I'm getting annoyed on Reimu's behalf, here, yo.

"..." Reimu glares at her, and turns to walk away. Then, she stumbles a bit.

"Oi, oi…" Marisa moves to her side. "Don't go flyin' off, now. I toldja we're stoppin' here, didn't I?"

...Reimu gives her a stare, but then lets out a consenting sigh. "I guess…"

The two walk off to find some guest rooms, and things. I see Sakuya appear to show them to them.

...Patchouli closes her tome. "I'll be to dinner, then. Do what you will."

Aw, du~de! Dinner with Patchy-chan! Yea~h!

She gets up to float away, and I subtly, not-so-subtly, begin to follow her. She doesn't notice either way.

...The halls go easy on her, too. Fookin'...

It's not long before we reach the dining halls. On entry, I notice a peculiarly high amount of fairy maids. Like, a lot. They actually ate organized meals, sometimes? Huh…

Sma~sh!

"Noo~! That was _mine!_ " A fairy maid shouted, with particular venom.

Komi stood, and propped a leg on the table. "No one _cares_ it was yours. This side of the table belongs to me."

Across the table, a short, pastel blue-haired fairy maid tapped her fingers on the table, appearing annoyed. Koi was hugging her from behind, whispering sweet nothings into her ear.

"You're _fucking_ cute!"

...It was more like shouting. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt, and assume she was only shouting because of the volume.

A certain scarlet-haired fairy maid, the one I just discombobulated, crawled from under the table, and climbed up the short fairy maid's lap. "You're _my_ fuckmuffin, now…"

Okay, maybe not _organized_ …

Also… _fuckmuffin_. I dunno whether that's actually lewd, or just hilarious. Or both.

Patchouli sighed. "Grea~t…" She noticed them, too. It'd be pretty hard not to!

Floating over the crowd of fairy rabble, Patchouli seemed to ponder her next course of action…

However, I was here to save the day! Or, y'know… try!

The short maid gave a worried glance at Patchouli, seemingly the only one phased by the threat of extermination by magi. She pulled herself from the lustful maids with ease, and seemed to appear worried…

"...I'll just go get something from the kitchen." Patchouli decides, floating down to the kitchen door.

Da~w… No dinny wit' Patchy?

No din-din wit' Patchy…

The short fairy maid seems to relax… Hmm.

...I glance at Komi again, and she's actively using a large, french bread to beat challengers over the head with.

Reminds me of my school lunch room-

Pi~chun!

Except homicide is legal!

...I look around, and I see some yellow-haired bugger not-so-subtly strafing towards me with a waffle iron. I think it's Yellow-chan, the bastard.

...I let her get close, and I draw Swift Brand. "Homicide's legal against everyone _except_ me, friend."

Clang! Our weapons of choice meet!

"You…!" It's not healthy to hold grudges, Yellow-noob!

Clang! Clonk!

Our fight ends abruptly, when Ha-chan suddenly impales her in the back with a _kitchen knife_.

"Aa~aaagh…!" Yellow-chan begins to slide to her feet, only making it worse, the knife sliding up her back...

Pi~chun!

Ho~ly shit!

"Brad-ku~n!" She smiles widely, bounding towards me with open arms. That'd normally be charmin' and cute 'n' all, but… _kitchen kni~fe!_

"Yo, yo, where'd you get that?" I hold out a hand to stop her, and point at her knife with the other.

...She blinks. "The kitchen?"

Freakin'... "Why're you _usin'_ it!?"

Ha-chan smiles. "O~h, Brad-kun. It's dinner time!"

Don't say that to me while you're holding a knife!

She's forced to flinch, after a navy-blue haired fairy maid follows Komi's example and whacks her with a french bread. "Gnh…!"

Whirling around, she goes to maul the maid…

Everything quickly devolves into even more chaos. Like, now it's not just 'begrudging eating while fucking with your neighbors', it's, uhm…

Fairies are surrounding me, and they're lifting their chairs…! I'm outta options, I gotta jet, yo!

I leap onto the table, and start running across it. Other maids follow my example, and within moments, segments of the table begin crashing down, caving in, or outright being destroyed.

"Wooaa~hohooaa~h!" I contribute to the noise!

"St-stop pulling my hair!"

"En garde!" That's Komi, with her bread…

"Aauuugh…!" The short, pastel blue-haired one clonked Koi on the head with a chair.

I leap from the table near the short blue one. Miyako- the scarlet-haired one- takes notice of me and makes herself scarce, slinking into the shade under the table…

Before I can make it to the kitchen door, the short fairy maid grabs my arm and- yo~! That grip…!

She whirls me around, and glares into my eyes. Her eyes are red, her skin's pale, she's… got fangs…

I think we have ourselves a _spy_.

"What the-!? I mean… What's going on here?" She asks me. Is she trying to maintain her cover?

"Knight of the wi~nd!" I exclaim, and exert mana into Swift Brand…!

Fwoosh!

Various fairy maids around us are flung away, but the one before me doesn't falter at all. Yeah, that confirms it…

The 'fairy maid' just glares at me. I wanna know where she got those fake fairy wings from…

"Well, friend, there's-"

Shink!

Ha-chan shoves a knife into the 'fairy maid'. Pumping it into her back, she tries to grapple the faux fairy maid…

The short fellow just turns around, grabs Ha-chan with both arms, and simply moves them both into her torso.

Cr-cra-krik!

Pi~chun!

Ha-chan just got _mangulated_.

...The 'fairy maid' drew the knife from her back, and tossed it away. Then, with a flaring expression, she hissed her words through her teeth. " _What's going on, here…?_ "

Uhm… "Ha-chan spoke as if this was a regular thing. Dinner battle royales, that is."

…

Komi leapt to my aid, striking the short 'maid' with the french bread.

Thwack!

The bread broke over her head.

…

"A-ah… Heheheh…" Komi backed away sheepishly, only to be assaulted by her challengers from before. "Oh- hey! Shit, no! Fu- ow! Ow! You- aa~h!"

"He~re I thought it was that _thief_ , or maybe the _miko_ , or maybe _Patchy_ was having a _bad day_ , or F-Flan was-was…!" The girl's nails extended, and her eyes began to glow. "But no~! It was just my… utterly _retarded_ staff!"

She was shouting, at this point. The fairy maids slowly ceased fighting, as her volume increased.

...Then, she sighed. "...An entire year of unacceptable, unexplained damages… up until _this_ point. I should have figured, that it was around Sakuya's nap time, that this would happen..."

Sakuya's nap time? She takes regular naps?

...Fairy maids begin moving to the doors of the room. The kitchen door opens-

Slam. Slam.

Metal bars extend down from the tops of the doors, sealing the rooms from usage. Patchouli stands at the other side of the kitchen door, huffing. "Honestly…"

The short, angry 'fairy maid' discards her disguise, by spreading her _real_ wings.

Slam-slam-slam-slam!

The windows have the metal bar things, too! Sh-should I _be_ in here…?

Two large bat wings. Remilia floats into the air, clad in maid getup…

"...Some stress relief seems to be in order." She smirks. " _I_ will toy with you, yet."

…Pushing past numerous frozen and terrified fairy maids, I run up to the wall beside the kitchen door, and begin chipping away at it with Swift Brand. Patchouli looks from the bars at me. "...That's nice."

I grin at her. "What's the point of walls, if they can be made into doors, yo?"

"Normally one expects the guests to be civilized enough to _not_ mine through walls with plant hangers." Patchouli stares up at Remilia. "...I cannot say I blame you, in this instance."

A beam of light engulfs Remilia. Within it, she turns into a flock of bats.

On the far end of the room, near the windows, the beam of light appears again, and the bats float down into it.

"I will give you all a fighting chance." Remilia declares. "I will be on the floor, to start with. If you think you can defy _me_ , this is your chance."

...Most of the fairy maids appear to want no part of it, scrambling for the doors, windows, or walls. Few bother with the kitchen door, noticing Patchy there.

Which is koo, 'cause this means I shouldn't be in the crossfire the entire time. Chipping away at the wa~ll…!

"Here!" Remilia raised her left wing.

Fwoom!

Three fireballs flew from the length of her wing.

Pi~chun! Pi-Pi~chun!

Considering the density of fairy maids, that accuracy was a given. Remilia was pretty much goin' full Dracula on her staff!

"...I considered vaporizing them." Patchouli shook her head. "I didn't want to damage the dining room, however. It seems like it will be damaged anyway, unfortunately."

Speaking of, I'm doin' jack shit to this wall… I draw Tundra Bloomer, instead. S'kinda important I get out of here, pronto!

I buff myself with the hanger's magic, and begin wailing at the wall.

Bam!

Dayum, that's a lot better…

I heard Remilia turn into a flock of bats, again. She eventually touched down somewhere near-ish to me, but not really. The fairy maids had gathered into the middle of the room, using the table segments as blockades. Some were trying to fashion ranged weapons of some sort, it seemed. Out of freakin' forks and spoons.

"Alright, you little assholes!" Komi leapt from the barricade on a steed! Said steed was a fellow fairy maid, which she had apparently domesticated, for the time being. "Cha~rge!"

Holding their breads like jousts, more fairy maids followed Komi's example and took towards Remilia, arcing out from the central barricade…

"Here's _power!_ " Remilia grins, spreading her right wing outward.

Large, thick, glowing orbs of magma floated outwards. They hurtled slowly towards the maids, who attempted to joust through them…

Pi-Pi-chu-Pi-Pi-Pi~chun!

Whelp, there goes the cavalry. Also, Remilia's totally ripping off Dracula. I know so, because otherwise she'd be using _scarlet_ orbs.

I also played Castlevania! But, the real question is, has _she?_ Hmm...

...The magma balls hit the wall, and explode into flames. The flames quickly go out, presumably controlled by Remilia herself.

She becomes a flock of bats again, the pillars of dim light she generates signalling where she'll land next. The fairy maids don't seem to be thinking that far ahead, though, some of them looking all over the entire battlefield for her. Even though, y'know… the bats only fly _one way_.

Bam! Bam! Bo~ng…

I got through the wall, and hit the back of what I think is a stove, or something! Or the fridge… or a dish washer.

Freakin' appliances.

Remilia snapped her fingers. "Fatal Ray!"

I looked, and saw multiple green lasers shoot up to the roof of the dining room. Twirling around in the air, they eventually came down on the fortification all at once.

Pi-Pi-Pi~chun!

The tables started falling over, panicked fairy maids scrambling for the exits with renewed vigor. A few fairy maids rushed Remilia with their fork-and-spoon spears, but Remilia simply sighed, and vanished into a flock of bats, again.

Bo~ng, bo~ng, bo~ng…!

Get outta the way, you stupid dishwasher! Your dishwashing days are over!

Remilia reformed in the middle of the fort, surprising the fairy maids. A few surrounded her, armed with plates, while others sported utensils and chairs… or, at least, chair pieces.

Surprisingly, Namori was the first to act! She had a frying pan in one hand, and a round pot top in the other. "Die, Mistress! You don't belong in this dining room!"

Remilia snorted. "Oh? Do tell, then… _whom_ does it belong to?"

"Th…" Namori felt the words die in her throat. Shaking her head, she continued. "The fairies! The ones… the ones you enslaved! This was ours!"

...Remilia shook her head, smiling. " _Silly fairy_. I will remember your courage… however, I grow bored of your… lacking resistance. Were I an intruder, this would have been easy, vampire or not."

Tensing up, Namori braced for an attack…

It never came.

"Now, shall we go for the finale?"

Oh, boy.

Remilia curled herself up protectively with her wings, leaving only her head exposed. "Hooo~h…!"

The entire room begins shaking. I hear the appliances in the other room rattle, while Patchy nearly loses her balance, until she switches to floating.

"...Good luck." She floats off, leaving me in the room. Freakin'...!

I give that dishwasher hell!

Bam! Bam! Bam!

I channel mana into the Tundra Bloomer, and slam it into the floor…

Kri~ng!

A small spike of ice slides from the floor, displacing the dishwasher. Yeah!

I attack it once more-

Thud. It fell out of the way.

Time to get the fuck outta here!

I take one last glance at Remilia…

Namori was the only fairy left attacking her, the others having dropped their weapons and hid under various pieces of debris. Others just hid under each other, or hugged one another.

"Now is the time of your demise!" Remilia whirled into the air, her wings glowing a bright, vibrant red.

Nope, nope, nope, nope!

I ran out of the room, and feverishly raced across the kitchen. I opened the door on the other side…

" _Scarlet Gensokyo!_ "

I slam the door behind me!

…

Ducking around the wall, I sigh...

...

 _Everything_ shook. I slide onto my back, and vibrate around a little…

…

A door slammed open, and Marisa looked out. She had yellow pajamas on! "Wha~t the hell's goin' on around here, ze!? Wuh-we under attack!?"

Her gaze locks on me. I wave.

"...'Sup?" Marisa tiredly stares me down.

"Remilia versus fairy maids, the great bum brawl." I explain.

She instantly perks up. "Oo~h!? This, I gotta see, ze!"

The kitchen door opens again, and Remilia walks out.

"...Oh. S'it over, already?" Marisa slowly begins to look tired, again…

"Mmhm." Remilia nods. "The maids needed a reminder who was in charge, around here. I believe it was rather educational, myself."

"Awwhh…" Marisa slowly closed the door, slinking back into her room.

Nuggets.

...Remilia looks to me, and grins. "So, how was that?"

"Freakin' terrifying." I admit. "Hell in a cell."

She seems pleased by that description. "Mmm… Those were simply the abilities I use to toy with my prey, as well. They… entertain me."

Freakin', yo. Moves from the big D himself.

"...Come. You're not tired yet, are you?" Remilia motions for me to follow her.

Sure, yo.

Walking along with her, I decide to probe her for the informations!

"What's the name of the thing where you shoot three fireballs?" Should be Hellfire…

"Hellfire." Remilia smirks. "It's a rather simple skill, really, which commands forth the flames of hell to do my bidding."

Actually, by 'my bidding', she means 'shoots three fireballs in a predictable wall', but, yeah. You probably don't need much else to get milage out of hellfire…

"What about the one where you shot the big magma boo~mbs, yo!?" I stagger around with my arms spread, emphasizing their size.

Remilia giggles. "That move is-" Dark Inferno. "-Dark Inferno." I'm a freakin' Castlevania nerd, yo! What can I say!?

I'd ask her if she knew what the 'Vampire Killer' was, but I don't want my head on a Gungnir.

...I'd also ask about the third one, but she literally said the name in there, so~...

She continues to describe Dark Inferno. "It's a lot like Hellfire, except bigger."

Yeah, pretty much.

...Actually… "Are the fairies actually enslaved?"

Remilia shakes her head. "Nope. They make good decoration, though. When they're not trashing the decorations, that is."

Oh. "What was Namori on about, then?"

Remilia shrugged. "Maybe _she_ feels enslaved? Hmm. It's of no concern to me, anyhow. Maids come and go. We actually do have a cap to the maids we hire. Too many maids is too many mouths to feed, and too many little liabilities running around. Two hundred is enough, in my opinion."

Two hundred. Sheiut, man.

Also, I wouldn't put it past Namori to feel enslaved. She sends some funky mixed signals, now and again...

Sakuya suddenly appears! "Mistress! The dining room-"

"I know already, Sakuya. It is no fault of yours. Your assistance down there, however, would be appreciated." Remilia informs her. "...You may spend the rest of this evening relaxing."

Sakuya blinked. "O-oh… Yes, Mistress. Will there be anything else?"

I raise a hand. "I would like a fluffernickel."

…

"No, Sakuya. Rest well." Remilia waved her off.

Sakuya promptly vanished.

…

"What in _blazes_ is a fluffernickel?" Remilia furrows her brows at me.

I shrug.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

At Remilia's room, we sit around a tea table!

Remilia sips from some tea that just happened to _be there_. Yo ho ho…

I have tea in front of me, too! I take a sip…

Iron! She didn't plan to give me different tea, apparently. Oh, well. If I get HIV, I'm pretty sure there's _someone_ I can go to to sue her. Like… Yama 'n' Sons incorporated, yo.

Remilia looks at me. "So~... I haven't observed you in some time. What unspeakable nonsense did _you_ get into in these past few weeks? Aside from that thing with the Yama. I'd rather you never spoke of that to anyone."

Da~h… "I remade Marisa's shack out of ice blocks, yo."

Remilia nods. "Sure."

Wow, that was less of a story than I anticipated! "I went to heaven, yo."

"...How?" Remilia tilted her head. "I don't think you're _that_ good at flying…"

"I died." My shake my head, acting only mildly disappointed. "I-I just couldn't keep my hit points from hitting a negative value, dude…"

...She just gives me a patient stare.

"I made a rocket yo." Dying should be an acceptable story, yo. "Like, fwshoo~! Kaboom! Yo~!" To demonstrate, I made my hand soar through the air above my head! Then, I crashed it into the table, shaking it lightly.

"...I see." She sips her tea again. "Have you become better at combat? I would've prepared your favorite three rabble rousers to fight, but I'm afraid I killed them."

You _may_ have killed them. Just maybe! "I guess, yo. I got more stuffs and things!"

"Mmm." Remilia stands up, and walks towards the center of the room. "Show me."

Please, no. "Wat."

She grins. "Go ahead, show off. You can't hurt me… unless you use water, so don't."

Should I bother with Youkai Inconveniencer, then? If I did, I wouldn't use it on he~r…

I'm also a little too lazy for this, this late in the evening, bu~t I'll do the things anyway!

Let's go down the list, here… "Tundra Bloomer!" I bring out my ice, earth, hammer… thing! "I can do ice and earth stuff with it, and hit things really hard!"

"I'll be the judge, of that." Remilia folds her arms. "Hit me, as hard as you can."

Da~h… "If you say so, friend…"

I pump myself up, and near Remilia…

I've got a bad feelin' about this, yo.

Lift it overhea~d, and…!

I bring it down.

Bam!

…

Remilia doesn't react at first, as I bring it from her head. Then, she slowly crouches, reaching for her forehead… "O-ouch…"

U~h…

…

She stands up straight, again, grinning. "...Pleasantly surprising. You caught me off guard."

Ho ho! For my next act, I bring out…

"The Market Gardener." I introduce it! "It deals critical hits!"

Remilia is perplexed. "Critical? In what way?"

...Hmm. Good question. "...They're critical." I helpfully explain.

"...I see." Remilia is unimpressed. "Well, show me, then."

But! "But!" I held a finger up… "It only works if I'm blast jumping."

"Oh?" She raises a brow. "That seems… surprisingly convenient."

Wait, really? "I break my legs like, nearly every time."

Remilia has a moment of realization. "Oo~h, right, human. I forgot how fragile you were."

Pffft.

I pull out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, dual wielding the hangers!

"Aa~h, I remember that one. It was annoying." She notes. "Bee-seventeen bomber, was it? Named after the war plane?"

I turn to her as I walk towards the door. "Bee~Sheventee~n Baaww~mber!"

" _That's_ why it was annoying." She folds her arms. "I'm not doing that again."

I reach the door! "Alright, yo… Let's do this!"

Turning around, I crouch, and jump!

I strike the door.

Boom!

Too fast, too fast, too- Oof.

I soared into Remilia's bed.

...Clambering out of it and messing up the pristine covers, I notice her stare at me in disatisfaction.

I raise my hands defensively. "Hey, yo. Rocket-propelled me ain't so accurate."

"Apparently so. Try not to inflict any… _permanent_ damage upon anything. Including yourself, but I wouldn't mind." Oh, you and your blatant disregards for my personal well-being…

Take two! Crouch, jump, strike-

Boom!

Yo-waa~h!

Cla~ng!

I hit the ceiling with the Market Gardener to stop myself from hitting it, and knocked a whole chunk off. Yo…

Dropping and nearing Remilia, I bring down Market Gardener on her shoulder!

Bam!

"Tch…!" Remilia moves to grab her shoulder slightly, but stops. Then, I crash into the floor, even with the momentum expended by the strikes.

"Oof."

…

"Huh. That was _almost_ a punch." Remilia slowly grins. "I'm impressed. Provided, it takes an incredibly convoluted ritual to perform, but I'd say it's a vast improvement over your foolish squabbling only days ago."

Woo.

And now, I need bed, because I am dead inside.

"Now… what's next?" Remilia claps her hands together.

Bed.

I turn around, walk over to her bed, and flop over.

…

"Get up." Remilia commands me. "Get. Up."

...She walks over to the bed, but I'm already freakin' zonked.

"...Rise." She beckons me.

No response.

"Arise."

…

"Mobilize."

…

She picks me up, and drops me on the floor. "Oo-oof…"

"I wasn't done with you." She informs me. "You will not rest until I am done with you."

...I roll under her bed.

Sighing, she crouches to try and look at me…

I've already repositioned myself to grin at her. Some fluffles under the bed join me, too. "Hi, friend. I'm a snugglepuss."

…

"Fine." She waves me off. "I will return when you awaken. If you do not spend this time sleeping, you will be spending this time wishing you were sleeping."

That's true in more ways than one!

With that, Remilia moves to leave the room. The large door clicks once she's gone.

…

I get out from under the bed, and throw myself onto it. Rip, me.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Exactly eight hours later, I am dropped on the floor in the dining room. Fluffles that had clung to me scurry off of me, and start exploring…!

"Aah…" I groan. "Who turned on the _pain_ … _?_ "

Remilia smirks down at me. "I did. Now get up."

What a world, where you get roused by angry vampire lolis who want you to show them your colorful plant hangers…

Marisa, Reimu, and Sakuya are apparently gathered around at a fragment of what used to be the dining table, eating breakfast. Well, Sakuya wasn't eating breakfast, I suppose. More like attending to the operation of breakfast. Also, repairs.

"Yo, last night, we missed Remilia kickin' everyone's ass!" Marisa exclaimed. "The entire mansion shook, ze!"

"Mmm…" Sakuya hummed in displeased agreeance.

"I didn't notice anything..." Reimu stretched. "...They keep the beds really fluffy, around here."

One of the fluffles that escaped my clutches moved to the table, and started climbing Marisa's leg. Marisa leaned down, and picked it up… "In more ways than one, ze…"

Fluffles are the hotel bedbug of Gensokyo. Except they're big, and huggable. And sometimes sniffable, but your milage may vary…

Ridding myself of morning fatigue, I draw Youkai Inconveniencer! "I present to you the holy holiness of holy!"

Remilia takes one glance at it, and scoffs. "...What an _ugly_ thing."

"S'all about the gaudiness, baby! Youkai don't wanna so much as _touch_ me with this thing around." I brag, spreading my arms out to emphasize my point.

"Only the natural response." Remilia folds her arms. "...Well, don't wait for me, then. Show me what it can do."

I flail it around like a whip, and nearly hit myself in the head. I'm not good with flails, despite how good I am at flailing wildly!

...I glance at the unamused Remilia. "Alright, yo, here…"

I make a bright flash!

Fwaa~sh!

"Gh… Who turned on the sun!?" Marisa complains.

"Mmrgh…" Reimu grunts in mild annoyance, inhaling her breakfast…

…

I rub my eyes as my vision returns. Remilia is slightly more frazzled and poofy than before, but otherwise unaffected.

She grumbles. "...Put that thing away."

Not a big fan of the holy magic, huh? I figured as much…

I draw Flame Salvo. "It's this thing, yo, except it burns people."

A dry stare emanates from Remilia.

"...Better than before, anyway!" Eheheh…! "Like, yo-"

Fwoo~m!

A jet of flames reaches out, and passes through Remilia.

Sakuya, who was keeping a watchful eye on us, stands up. "Mistress!"

"It is fine, Sakuya." Remilia holds up a hand, as her clothes begin to burn. "...On second thought, could you put me out?"

Sakuya appears next to her, with a bucket of water.

"N-not with water!" Remilia almost smacks the bucket out of her arms, before backpedaling.

Appearing again, Sakuya holds an oversized paper fan. She begins fanning Remilia, which just makes the fire bigger.

Remilia sighs, and turns to me… "You. Can't you control your own flames?"

I shake my head. "That'd be too useful, yo. Too useful."

"...It seems I must do everything myself." Remilia spins in place, and in moments, the flames extinguish.

Sakuya seems crestfallen. "...My sincerest apologies, Mi-"

"Nonsense. It was foolish of me to request such a task." Remilia smiles. She looks down at her singed shirt, which now exposed her belly. "...I may be in need of another dress, however."

"Naa~h. That looks suits ya!" Marisa leaves the table fragment to approach us. "Hehehe!"

Remilia pauses, and looks down. "D-does it, now…?"

Sakuya counters Marisa, "No, it-" She realizes she'd be offending Remilia, "I mean, it does- but, ah…"

has encountered a fatal error!

I give a thumbs up! "Perfect. Elegant. Audacious, yo. You're one bold mama!"

Remilia's stare becomes dry, again. "I'm not a mother."

...I'm tempted to say 'not yet you aren't', but that might uh, be just a little too far…!

Reimu seems to have finished her pancakes. Standing, she nears us, as well… "You wanted to go to the town, today, Marisa?"

Marisa nods. "I'm gonna need some potions if we're gonna beat up teach. She's a real asshole."

Yeah, she kinda is.

"I'm comin' with ya, yo." I raise my hand. "That village… I think I gots myself some business in it."

After consideration, I have determined that I am not the man it wants, but I'm the man it needs, yo.

Remilia snorted. "You? Business? Let me guess… you've found someone to bum off of? Either that, or you're working for a real house."

I shake my head. "No, yo. I'm gonna build a wall." Make the Human Village great again!

"...Oh." She gives me a curious stare.

I dunno where Keine went, I dunno what's with the purple-haired floozie, and I dunno what's _goin_ ' on down there. If no one else is gonna step up to see what the hell's gone wrong- other than political corruption- then I'm gonna step forth, yo!

"Mmm." Reimu hums. "Good plan. You do that, while me and Marisa actually prepare."

Reimu floats towards the dining room's window, and opens it. "We need to hurry. Patchouli said we didn't have much time."

"Yea~h, we're gonna hafta jet." Marisa hopped onto her broom, and took off after Reimu.

Sha~tter!

...She took one of the _unopened_ windows.

...Guess I'm flyin' there myself, then!

Remilia sighed. "...Sakuya, go with him."

Sakuya was unamused. "Surely?"

"Surely. We need construction materials, do we not? You could always go yourself, if you want." Remilia offered her maid, offhandedly.

Sakuya vanishes.

...Grinning, Remilia turns to me. "Well, then. Unless you'd like to stay here, you might wish to get moving."

Actually… that gives me an idea…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I barge into the library! "Woaa~h, oaa~h, ooaaa~h!"

Patchouli snaps at me. "Why are you here _again!?_ "

"I need arms!" I tell her. "My arm's're gone!"

She still looks pissed. "...Please, do _not_ remind me of that fairy."

Alright, real plan. "I'm planning to liberate the human village from itself! Don't ask, yo… it's a long story."

She blinks. "...Hmm. If you really are, that'd be amusing enough. Unfortunately, I don't have anything for you."

You freakin' noob. "...Spells? Magics? Anything…?" I shrug sheepishly…

She shakes her head, moving to sit down. " _Busy._ Here…" She lifts one of those fluffy dusters from under her desk, and tosses it to me. "There. Now, go."

...She gave me a-a freakin' _wiffle duster_. "Thanks, friend. With this sword, I will run into the heat of day!"

I move to dash out of the library, and Koakuma passes me. She turns to me, grinning. "Oo~h! It's _you!_ "

I spread my arms! "Yeah! It's me!"

"I'm horny!" Koakuma exclaims. "Do something!"

"Fuu~ck that…" I turn away from her, shaking my head…

"...Hmph. Didn't think it'd work, anyway…" Koakuma turns away.

Well, that was abrupt!

...

Succubi are a big no-no. That does make me wonder, though, could you have sex with one if you were already dead? Are zombies exempt? Or, do succubi feed directly on the soul? Hmm...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I have organized a village liberation armada.

Outside the manor, I stand upon a table fragment!

With me, are the three fairies of being chucklefucks!

"All men- uh, fae- report to deck!" I demonstrate my command of the vessel!

"Komi, director of engine operations." Komi salutes me. "Sir."

...The only reason she's so cooperative is because of our method of automation. You remember those trusty steeds, from the other night? Well, now we had like, four of them…

I turn to Koi, who had a bucket of funny crystal orbs from Patchy's stash. "Koi! Anti-infantry on duty!"

Yo~. We hope it's anti-infantry stuff, anyway.

"...I hope they beat us." Koi smiles.

Y'know, that's not the kind of thing we should say…!

"Then they'll push me to the ground, and loom over me… I'll smile up at them as, as they slide out their-"

Komi whacks her with a large french bread. "Save that for when we _do_ get destroyed."

"Auuu~gh…!"

Then, we have Namori. She fidgets as I stare at her, and urge her to go on…

"...I-I'm Namori…" Seriously, we're all friends here. "...Sc-scouting."

In retrospect, terrible idea, but I didn't wanna do it. Aside from the fact she's a freakin' mute!

...It's not like we have much to scout out, anyway.

Under the 'deck', we have…

"Kuroneko…" A fairy maid with green hair, and cat-like eyes introduces herself. "...Engine one."

"Maple-chan… En-engine two..."

"Gravity-chan. Engine three." Is she different from that zero gravity hooligan? I dunno, but their hair colors are the same-ish...

"My leg's're gone! How'm I supposed to do this!?" I never _did_ learn her name. I'll just address her as 'Leg-chan'.

Ha-chan's supposed to be here, too, but I dunno where the frik she is…

"Brad-ku~n!"

Right on cliche'd cue! "Yo~!"

I told her to go get knives, but she actually told me _no_ , for some reason. Instead, I just had her fetch fluffles. "I-I wrestled together the bio-weapons!"

"Yeah, yo!" I pump my arms in the air. "Let's get this show on the road! If anyone asks, yo… we're the Knights of the Fluff Table!"

"Yeaa~h!" Ha-chan and Koi cheered.

...Ho ho! That's not a freakin' lot of enthusiasm, but y'know… discount mercenaries.

I move to stand! The fixtures on the table are pretty much entirely this: my seat, and boxes to hold the weapons we swindled.

By that, I mean a box for Patchy's orbs, and a pen for the fluffle guests.

Ha-chan dumps the fluffles into the pen, and they squirm about like friends…

"Let's move out, Knights!" I declare!

"...Urgh…" The fairies under the table let out a collective groan as they start moving. The others move and land on the table. We slowly move to the front gate of the manor…

We push it open.

"He~y, hope you didn't mind that we just like, parked our car in here, yo." I brag about my fairy wagon to Meiling!

Meiling's expression slowly increases in incredulity as we pass by…

"Uhm… sure." She waves at me as we leave the front gate. The fluffle at the fluffle stand's shell nose opens in surprise.

Yea~h! We're gonna get _shit done today!_

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: KNIGHTS OF THE FLUFF ====

Also, holy _fuck_ , we're slow.

After forever, we pass the side of the Misty Lake… The snow didn't make it particularly easy, but enough of the path was cleared for us to manage. Anything in the way was eagerly, clumsily, and feverishly destroyed by one or more of us.

Namori floated out of the lake, holding a fish.

She rejoined us, dripping wet, but she was smiling. The fish flopped around in her arms for a few moments, before it stopped.

…

"You killed it, friend." I inform her.

...She slowly frowned, before floating back up to scout.

Friend, why.

I see Daiyousei ahead of us. Well, I've _seen_ Daiyousei ahead of us. She's been sitting ahead of us, just kinda idle, for some reason. She's also been the focal point of our journey for the past ten minutes, or so...

"Cirno-chan…" She sits on a snow lump, staring at the sky.

We near her, and as my crew readies to shove french breads up her ass, I hold up a hand. "Hold, crew! She is but a fellow fae! We must attempt recruitment!"

"What if that doesn't work?" Komi leans towards me…

"...Then we blast her ass, yo!" I pump a fist up, but then I make a finger with it. "But _if,_ and only _if_ … it don't work, yo."

Eventually, we near her side. Daiyousei blinks, and stares up at the table-craft…

"Yo ho ho!" I greet her like a pirate!

"A-ah…" She stands, and backpedals, stepping backward into snow.

She's freakin' terrified. "Yo, Daiyo. What's gotcha' lookin' so down?"

...Reluctantly, Daiyousei speaks to me. "Uhm… Cirno-chan went to collect flowers, earlier, so we could get candy. She didn't come back, yet…" She cupped her face with her hands. "I'd feel really guilty if I got her killed… ju-just for some candy… I-I was gonna share it with her, too!" She holds up a brown paper bag, which presumably held candy.

Hmm…

Komi taps on my shoulder. "Can we kill her, yet?"

Daiyousei looks like the hairs on her neck stood! "Oo-oh, no…!"

I sigh. "No~, Komi. Hold up." I wave her off. "...Yo, Daiyousei? Where'd Cirno go?"

Daiyousei points in the direction of the human village…

That's all we need, yo. "We're actually goin' there!" I exclaim. Then, I exaggeratedly smile widely. "We could save _Cirno!_ "

Daiyousei blinks. "Y-you could…? Wait, what happened to her!?"

Da~h… "She was captured by the order of the… anti-fairy people!"

A few of the engine fairies gasp.

Daiyousei's eyes widen. "N-no…"

I gesture for her to hop aboard. "Get on, Daiyousei. We're the Knights of the Fairy- fluff… uh…" Something! "Knights of the Fluff Table!"

"Yea~h…" Koi half-heartedly cheers.

...With stars in her eyes, Daiyousei hops on. "We're coming, Cirno-chan! We won't let you down!"

That's the team pep we needed!

"Dai-cha~n!" Ha-chan looks up from the fluffle pen. "You're joining us!?"

She nods…

..."Don't screw up." Ha-chan looks back to the fluffles with a neutral expression. Freakin', what was that…?

Daiyousei freezes. "U-uh… right…"

Komi looms over her. "...Y'know, we _need_ another engine."

Koi agrees. "So slo~w… I'm getting bored…"

...Daiyousei looks over to me, and clings to my arm. "Wh-n-... Help."

Poor greater fairy, yo. Can't catch a break.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: KNIGHTS OF THE FLUFF TABLE ====

Dayum. Five fairy-power engines is far better than four! We've already passed the Hakurei Shrine…

Before us, some wolf youkai crack their knuckles. "Dude, Kanashi! Check it!"

Kanashi, the other wolfman about fifteen feet ahead of us, grins. "Wh-what the fuck is that shit…? Is… is that a human riding a-a... fairy wagon thing? Aa~hahaha~!"

"Fairies next door…" I stand, throwing my arm outward. "Battle stations!"

Koi chuckles dangerously. "Ahuhuhu… Want me to go… _negotiate?_ "

No. "Throw shit at them."

She slouches. "Wh-what? But-"

"Fuck 'em up. I want 'em, _dead_. Their shoes, _dead_. Their claws, _dead_."

...I turn to Koi, who looks _extremely_ bummed out.

I sigh. "Look, yo, I'll find ya some men to fuck later, when our job is done." I decide.

She gives a naughty grin. "...How about _you?_ "

Son. "Maybe-"

The wolfmen begin approaching us.

Koi folds her arms. "Not good enough."

Freakin'... She's really got me by the _orbs_ , hea! "Fine, yes, yeah! Do the things!"

Pleased with my response, Koi leans back over the orb box. "With pleasure, Brad-kun…"

Eeeuuugh. I mean, sex'll be nice, but at this point it's the principle of the situation! L-like…

That discussion's over, yo. No.

Koi picks up an orange orb. "Let's see…"

"Hey, you!" Kanashi calls up to us. "Hand over the human!"

...Koi throws the orange orb at them.

Boom!

Kanashi gets blown back by an explosion.

The other wolfman tenses. "Wh- fuck! You fairy assholes…"

He moves to engage our engines, so I leap off the hull, drawin' Flame Salvo! "Look, son-"

Shi~ng!

Kuroneko breaks position, and slices into his arm with a _katana_. Where'd she get that shit from!?

I look back to the fairy engines…

Maple-chan and Leg-chan both have four katana holsters on their backs. I thought those were just funny straps...

...Kuroneko turns to me, noticing my glancing... "Do not get any ideas. Those swords are _not_ for you."

...Sure, I guess? I'm still kinda baffled!

Koi throws a pink orb at the wolfman, and it explodes into dust on contact.

He grins. "Ha! That one was a fuckin' dud! You're mine, now!"

…

"I-I said…" He jerks his legs, but they hardly move. "F-fuck…"

Then, his eyes begin to glaze over. "A-ah…"

Well.

...Kuroneko hisses, and sheathes her blade into one of the sleeves on Maple-chan's back. "You saw nothing. I intend to do nothing with those."

...I guess I gotta take her word for it, for now. I'm half expecting mutiny, and I'd rather it not be from a octo-katana wielding maniac.

...Also, that wolf dude's got a boner, now. It's a good thing they wear hobo-ass pants and shirts!

Koi sits at the edge of the table, eager.

"Koi, tell 'em to do somethin'." I rouse her attention.

Kanashi is crawling back towards us, I note.

"...Take me, and ravish me..." Koi commands, licking her lips.

Jerkily, the enthralled wolfman begins to comply…

Godammit, Koi. "No, yo! I mean- make him fight his friend. Just do that."

She rolls her eyes, as his hands latch to her hips. "Alri~ght. Fight your hot wolf friend, for me."

...Her subject stops moving to fuck her, and starts moving towards his friend. Then, he gets punched in the face- our subject one, that is. "Hah! I heard you tell him to do that, asshole! Just wait until I-"

Clonk. Komi decides to intervene with a half-eaten piece of french bread.

...The wolfman faceplants the floor.

…

Komi bites from it, again. She speaks with a full mouth… "'Eal 'runhy…"

Trust me, it _sounds_ crunchy, too. Like eating rocks.

"...Can I have some?" Ha-chan requests gingerly.

Komi nods, and passes it to her…

"Alri~ght... " Koi licks her lips. "Follow us, big boy."

The half-decimated wolfman under our control nods, and moves out of the way for our wagon.

Woohoo~! "Onward!" I use Swift Brand as my trusty pirate cutlass to point to the sky!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: KNIGHTS OF THE FLUFF TABLE ====

...I turn to Komi. "So, Kuroneko. Who the hell is she?"

Komi shrugs. "Just saw her today, and decided to drag her along. Might be a new girl."

Hmm. Guess so.

"I'm _here_ , you know…" Kuroneko reminds us.

"Aaa~h, shut up!" Komi roars down at her. "You'll come to learn that _I'm_ the boss around here!"

Hyonk.

…

"She's scary…" Daiyousei mumbles.

" _You're_ scary." Komi counters. "...I-I mean, your face, that is…"

Nice job.

"You suck, Komi-chan." Koi grins at her.

"Fight me." Komi lifts her french bread dagger.

"Yo." I announce my presence. "Village, ho."

"...Excuse me?" Komi looks ready to eviscerate me.

Freakin'... "I mean the village, y'twat."

"Oh." Komi relaxes. "...I guess."

...Apparently she's fine with 'twat'. I can see the human village just ahead of us, too...

The guard on duty notices us, and his jaw drops. "Wh-what the…!?"

I stand up, aboard my vessel! "Ahoy, me buckos!" I leap from the vessel, and approach the guard…

He draws his sword, and dashes towards me…

I pull out my Youkai Exterminator badge! "Check it!"

…

He's still running towards me. Koi floats overhead, and drops a blue orb down onto him.

Splash!

It explodes into a torrent of water, shocking the guard. "Hey- agh…!"

He looks up, and scowls at the fairy. "Y-you…!"

Koi giggles.

"It-it's not funny!" He grits his teeth. "You damn pranksters…!"

"No, son." I shake my head. "It's hilarious. It was the _best_ thing. The funniest funny!"

...He furrows his brows at me.

Oh, well. Guess we gotta do things the hard way, yo.

Fwoosh…!

I have Swift Brand send a gust of wind at the guard, and he slips on the snowy floor. "Gur-aa~h!"

Lotta snow's probably gonna melt, today. It's not actually that bad out, right now. There's even a nice, not-freezing breeze.

Tree noises, yo…

...I focus on the guard, again. Koi threw a lighter blue orb down…

Swish!

All that water? Now that's _ice_. Rest in nuggets, guard man.

"To the gate!" I declare. "By the way, when we get inside, we're gonna get our asses blasted. We're gonna need more than Koi on AA duty."

Ha-chan smiles widely. "I've got your back, Brad-kun. Just say the word."

Namori's just been silently floating above us, this entire time. Y'know, scouting.

The real reason I brought her along is because she occasionally goes badass during stressful situations. We mi~ght need that, real soon…

We progress to the village gate, and just barely squeeze through…

On the other side, villagers pale and point at us, many fleeing to get help, while others run for their nearby homes.

"F-Fairies! On a siege vehicle!" Hey, now, I think that's being a little generous… It's literally a wooden platform being carried by fairies! I think just a gaggle of fairies themselves would be a more effective siege weapon… not that that's much more effective.

"S-someone! Get the exterminators!" Oh boy...

"S-so many human _men!_ " Koi gushes.

"Woaa~h…" Komi gapes at the sight. "I mean, we were literally here just a few days ago, but still…"

Namori floats down to us, holding her little telescope… "Th-there's humans… a-a lot of them…"

Aw, gee. Y'don't think?

Ha-chan leaned over my shoulder. "Can I release them? Can I can I can I?"

I hold up a hand. "Hold your fire, friends! Wait until we are engaged by noobs!" Don't want to piss 'em off before they piss us off. It's just a matter of respect… and waiting things out. If I can avoid a war, I will!

"Somebody! I need a pair of _fucking_ legs!" Leg-chan chose this moment to start making demands.

...None of the villagers look cooperative. Oh, no.

In only a few minutes, a surge of guards come charging down the main road ahead of us. Some have large shields, while the others have bows, and some have really big, unwieldy swords.

"Riot control division! Take charge!" A man with a big, yellow-feathered hat pointed a rapier to the sky, standing at the back of the guard company.

Okay, we're gonna need them fluffles. But first… "Komi, Kuroneko, and, uh, Maple-chan, take the front.

Komi gives a broad grin. "Rodger!"

"If I _must._ " Kuroneko draws a katana from the holsters, and stands ready.

Maple-chan readies her fists, despite having three perfectly good katanas on her back. "Hahaha~! Stupid humans!" ...Soundin' a little like the generic field-y types, there, friend.

Now… "Koi, take to the roofs, and chuck orbs at 'em!"

"Aye, aye!" She lifts the orbs in her arms. I notice the shield friks move towards us first…

"Sic the expendable wolf guy on 'em, too." I decide.

Koi nods. "Wolfy! Beat up those mean humans, for us!"

He barrels through the gate, still looking as infatuated as ever, and he charges towards the shields…

In truth? He's gonna get _gutted_ , but them's the works of war, yo.

I turn to Ha-chan. "Give it a moment, or so…"

Koi floats onto the roofs, and positions herself, laying the orbs down on the square roof around herself.

The wolfman moves to give a powerful, straight punch to one of the shields.

Bam!

The shield guy slides back, as his friends flank the wolfman. Swordsmen flow around the one guy who was pushed back, and begin stabbing the wolfman.

Shink, shink, shink.

"Ghack- ghuh- gruh…"

An~d now he's a pincushion, complete with ketchup. Sorry, friend.

Koi scowled, and held up a red orb. "My _man!_ "

Oh, Jesus. This is gonna get hairy…

The fairy maids on the front look pensive about engaging the wall of guards, but then the red orb lands in their midst…

Fwoom!

A couple of them light on fire from the blast of flame, and the swordsman company quickly devolves into chaos. Now, the shieldmen look equally pensive about engaging the fairies at the front, due to their lack of backup…

"Fire! Fi~re!"

"Get the water magi! Qui-... _Dammit!_ Hang in- fuck..."

The archers begin firing at Koi, but she ducks behind the edge of the roof, and crouches. This is _why_ you make slanted roofs…!

Anyway, this is enough madness. "Ha-chan, release the fluffs of Hell!"

"This is for before!" Ha-chan beams, tearing off a wall of the pen. The fluffles begin pouring out, but Ha-chan gives them another push by picking some up and tossing them towards the guards.

The fluffles surge down the path, and rush into the guard force. They're too small to be blocked by the large, anti-riot shields. Many dart through the flames, and numerous of the more skittish guards begin tripping, or at least stumbling.

"Here!" Another orange orb flies from Koi's hands…

Boom!

Their archers are pretty shot, right now. Most of the men are fine, but their bows? Not so much…

Let's get everyone in on this! "Daiyousei, Leg-chan! You guys, go help the frontlines beat people up!"

More wails of flaming pain come from the swordsmen ahead. "Shi~t! Ph-Philip! Speak to me… _Speak_ to me, you _fucker!_ I did not give you permission to die! Ghh..."

Yikes. I have a feeling this is gonna be less of a liberation, and more of an occupation…

Not really my intent! Maybe I can change that later… but for now, I just gotta push forward and assorted motivational crap.

"I-I… alright…" Daiyousei reluctantly consents.

...I look at Leg-chan, who's just staring at me. "Yes, I mean you, too. Go aggres the burly bums."

Leg-chan does a full sprint away from the cart, towards the crowd. "Give me your le~gs!"

...I'm also out of engine people, except for the largely quiet Gravity-chan.

The table falls to the floor. Oof…

Gravity-chan just stares at me. Freakin'... yo.

The fairies rush the shield toting guards, and begin slapping them with whatever they have on hand, be it fluffles, french bread, or freakin' _hands_ , yo.

Unfortunately, most of them prioritize the _shields_ , and not the _guards_.

"Hahaha~!" Koi laughs and holds a pink orb, and chucks it at _me_.

I scramble away from the table, and while I'm at it, I decide to go frontlines as well!

Poof. The pink orb hits nothing, and shatters. We coulda gotten freakin'... villager on villager action, if she used it right!

Koi pouted. "Damn it…"

Pi~chun!

Oh, fuck! Who died!?

I scan our front lines, and determine Leg-chan is missing. Her sword holsters are on the ground, however. It seems she was impaled by an arrow.

"Ghh-stop! Stop- ghooh…"

A guard crumples, as Kuroneko leers down at him. "This village belongs to the youkai! Human scum! Trash! Filth!"

Shink! Shink!

...Thud. The guard's _head_ rolls to the floor, and his shield falls to the ground. Whelp, someone's fuckin' _dead!_ This cat lady's brutal! Holy shit...

"Oi. No killing unless you have to!" I warn. "We don't wanna be public enemy number one!"

Kuroneko turns to me, a wild look in her eyes. "Hah!?" She raises her katana, as if to slash at me, then stops. "...You will know your place."

This cat fairy, dude. Givin' me some seriously weird vibes…

Another orange orb falls into the archer ranks. Boom!

"Re-retreat! Riot Corps, retrea~t!"

The guards begin falling back. Very few swordsmen leave the battle, meaning we killed more of them than I thought. Almost all the archers and shield dudes made it out alive; the real kicker was that inferno orb Koi set off, it seems. Our front line fairies did both _jack_ and _shit_ , aside from Kuroneko.

...The fairies approach me, again.

"That was awesome!" Komi has a sadistic grin on her face. "I hit one! Bam, right over the head! Fuck yeah!"

Koi floated down, and dumped the orbs gently into the box, again. "It was alright."

The rest of the fairies offered little real comment, moving back to their respective positions. Once again, my tablecraft was a go!

We move slowly towards the town square. The sun was beginning to set, too…

Before us, a single woman began to move to the center of the street, accompanied by a short, blonde-haired man…

It was that swordswoman, and Fred. Where the hell'd Fred even come from? He's supposed to be tied up back at the shrine!

Shit's about to get _real_.

"...Fairies." The woman spoke. "...Brad." I knew giving my name was a bad idea…

"...You fookin' wanker!" Fred points his staff at us. "You were a youkai all along! Damn it!"

Freakin'... "Yo, mates-"

"Don't bloody 'mate' me!" Fred's staff begins to glow. "I'll exterminate y'so hard, the whole town'll be singing me praises!`

"Fred." The woman chidingly speaks his name. "...We must proceed tactfully. That man, Brad, has organized the fairies into a force of destruction. Identify the critical components of his team, and take them out first."

...Did she purchase the _strategy guide?_

"...Y-yes, Meira!" Fred salutes her. "I-I won't let you down!"

Yo. Ding dong, man. Ding dong.

"Koi, toss shit at the samurai." I instruct her. "Kuro, cut up the mage." Resistances, baby!

Kuroneko's neutral expression suddenly becomes one of sadistic glee. "With _pleasure_."

Koi smiled. "I know _just_ the orbs, baby…"

...Which is good, 'cause you're down to like, four. You don't got a lotta options!

"Everyone else, uh, we'll huddle up. Can any of you fire danmaku?"

Komi and Ha-chan casually wave at me. Good enough. I know Namori can, too, but she's still up there 'scouting'. Actually…

"Hey, Namori!" I call out to her. "Help us shoot at these guys!"

She blinks rapidly, as if suddenly being roused awake. She floats down to meet our side…

I draw Flame Salvo. If all else fails, cook 'em alive, yeah?

"...I was hoping to use these on my target... but this plan is even better." Kuroneko draws four katanas from the floor, and three more from Maple-chan's back.

Alright, quick question… "How're you so freakin' good? For a fairy?" I ask her.

...Kuroneko turns to me. "I am _not_ a _fairy_ , you imbecile..."

With a flick of the wrist, she cuts her own headband off. Two cat ears are revealed. "I am a proud _youkai!_ "

Meira tenses. "Fred… Stay close to me!"

Shocked by her intensity, Fred complies. "Ye-yes, Ma'm!"

Ooh. Ho ho.

...I have a weird feeling. I don't like this 'Kuroneko' character. She's out to kill people, I'm sure. That's not really my thing.

I hold up my hand. "Yo! Koi! Hold your fire!"

Koi looks at me like I've grown a second head. "Yeah, no! I'm gonna throw shit at 'em, and you're gonna like it!"

You twa~t!

Well, then. We must assume direct control. "Kuroneko, I command you to hold your blade!"

"My name is not Kuroneko…" She scowls at me. "...It is simply Kuro. Aiko Kuro."

...Pivoting around to face the samurai and the mage, she sighs. "...You cannot give me commands, for I was never your subordinate to begin with. I am under the employ of mistress Mima, to kill _you_. However, my siege of the human village is nigh, so I'm afraid my contract will have to wait."

Oh, damn. A serious youkai! Also, fuck you, Mima, for sending an assassin. Like, why? What'd I do!? Yo~!

Ha-chan glowers at her. "He~y… You can't talk like that to Brad-kun…"

...Kuro smiles. We can't really see it, though… so don't ask how I know! "Stupid fairy."

…

"Leave this place." Meira demands her.

...Kuro turns to her. "You can't make me."

…

Before I can do anything else, Kuro acts. "Take this!"

Whirling her katanas around, Meira's eyes widen as she blocks the storm of blades.

Chi-chi-chink!

"Stealth walk!"

Kuro disappears. Meira bares her teeth in a grimace. "Fred! Get out of here!"

"No! I want to fight by your side, Meira!" Fred stands his ground. "I got it!"

A thunderbolt strikes somewhere behind them. They turn, and Meira darts in front of Fred-

Cli~ng!

"Ghh…" Meira steps back from the weight of four katanas against her own.

"You make me _yawn_." Kuro stares into Meira's face. She readies to jab into her with her other set of 'claws', but Fred stops her.

"Burn!"

A fireball meets Kuro. "Gah!"

The neko darts back, set ablaze. Then, a ring of purple emanates around her. "Can't see me…!"

Fwish. She vanishes.

…

I look around me. Most of my fairy companions are just watching eagerly. Komi's even eating her bread.

Koi seems to be looking for a good time to throw an orb, and Ha-chan's glaring at the battle.

Nugget days, yo…

...I hold Flame Salvo close. Eheh…

Cli~ng!

Meira's sword clips one of Kuro's 'claws'. Kuro becomes visible, for a second, then vanishes again.

She's really _invismable!_ Aaaa~h!

Koi tosses a blue orb down.

Sploosh!

Everyone gets soaked. Kuro, despite being invisible, is now dripping. "You insolent fool…!"

Koi grins. "Sorry 'bout that, kitty."

"Thunder!" Fred holds up his staff…

A thunderbolt strikes Kuro. "Guuraa~h!" She darts back, and glares. "This… this is not the end! You petty exterminators have not heard the last of me!"

With that, she escapes. "Stealth walk!"

Swish. She's gone…

...Koi tosses another, brown orb.

Bam!

The path shakes under the two exterminators, and they tumble to the floor.

"Apprehend the nugget people!" I exclaim!

The tired exterminators didn't know what hit them, when a bunch of fairies flew into them.

"Me-Meira!" Fred moves to defend her. "Back off, you-you asshats!"

Koi throws another, periwinkle orb at them…

Poof!

…

They both fell asleep on the spot. Along with half my fairies, but, y'know...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: KNIGHTS OF THE FLUFF TABLE ====

Alri~ght. We got a house, now!

A man topples to the floor in front of me, but Komi pounces on him to reinforce the rope she tied him with. "C'mo~n, buddy. The least you can do is stop trying to _scream_ like a fuckin' banshee!"

Yeah. Not necessarily legally, mind you. We did what we could.

...It was also a tiny house, with like, four rooms. We had to like, beat Meira, Fred, and this chucklefuck into submission just so we could go sidequesting for some ropes and stuff to tie them up with. The only rope was bloody _three_ doors down! Christ.

...We couldn't tie up the houses we explored, though, so we just knocked 'em out, and put them back in bed. Night night, son...! Hyonk, hyonk, hyonk!

Eheh. I get too much of a kick out of that. Just freakin'... knock 'em out, and tuck 'em in! G'night, son! Aa~h...

"Alright guys, we're boardin' here overnight, yo." I tell the gaggle of fairies.

"Slee~p over!" Ha-chan squees, leaping for the one, and only, bed in the house.

"Ye~s!" Koi leaps into the bed, too. "C'mere, Hana. Let's snuggle…"

"Ya~y…!"

Cuddly fairy people.

Aa~h, the night time. It always makes me feel at home and scared shitless at the same time, somehow.

Meira and Fred also have gags in their mouths, because yeah.

...I lean over Fred. "Welcome back to the bondage festival."

He wiggles violently.

"Noob." Get owned, Fred.

…

I take out that _wiffle duster_ Patchy gave me, and shake it under Meira's nose.

She sneezes.

That's it, yo. Mission accomplished. That was _everything_ I came here to do.

Anyway, I should probably question these guys and find out just what the hell's goin' on around here.

...I hesitantly remove Meira's duct tape from her mouth. Yeah, I duct taped their mouths. They'd be yelling their heads off otherwise… or insulting us.

Meira glares at me, wincing as I peel the duct tape…

"...What do you want?" She growls. Okay, good, she's not going apeshit…

I hold up a hand, and hover it over her face. "Hello, friend. Me Brad. This… home. Me friend."

...She moves to bite my hand, and I pull it back. "Jesus, son! Calm yer hormones!"

"They'll find you." Meira speaks ominously. Wait…

"Who?" I tilt my head.

"The guards." Meira informs me.

Oh. I thought she was talkin' about some secret service or some shit. Nope, just generic guards. Nothin' to worry about, then.

"So…" Time to interromagate! " _What's goin' on_ , yo?"

...She glares at me.

I guess I should be, y'know descriptive, and use words like a human being.

"Why's everyone so bent outta shape about the Hakurei?" I ask question number one! "Like, did she even do anything?"

"I don't have to answer anything." She's not havin' it. "Turn yourselves in. Now."

Yeah. Okay, yeah, we'll just do that. Only 'cause you said so.

...Komi props the captive house owner next to her. She looks at me, and smirks. "Bein' a real bitch, ain't she?"

Meira just glares at her.

We~ll, next question! "D'you know what happened to Keine? Why she's all buggin' out, and why, uh… actually, have you seen her recently?"

...Meira furrows her brows. "I thought it had something to do with you."

Yeah, that figures. "The hell'd I be able to do?"

"I don't know. I'm not familiar with every type of youkai, out there." She stares into my eyes. "I assumed you were going to do the same with us…"

Wait, wait, hold on… "...Why would I make Keine hate me? Like, what political scenario would that _ever_ be a good strategy in?"

Speaking of bad political strategies, invading the human village with a gaggle of fairies!

"I don't know!" Meira struggles against her ropes, but eventually resolves simply to look pissed. "You'll never get away with this…"

I'm actually not sure how to reply to that! I feel like a freakin' bad guy now.

...I still really wanna know what they've got against Reimu! I repeat the same question, again. "So, what's the deal with Hakurei shrine maidens, ah? Ah? Am I right, or am I right?"

"Don't talk about her like that..." Meira mutters.

...Not... what I expected at all. Even Fred's giving her a curious glance.

She stares at the floor, looking bitter.

…

Glad to see I could ease them!

…

Glancing around the room, I see there's now a small pile-up on the bed. My dick tells me to jump in, but I don't know how many degrees of dead I might end up if I do. I mean, yeah, fairies, but uh… better safe than sorry?

I don't think I'm in a position to say that, after invading the human village with fairies. If all it took was an organized effort, then freakin', yo...

I go to the house's back door, where Maple-chan and Namori are. Standing in the door frame after I opened it, I observe the two fairies...

"...Hey, Blue-chan?" Maple-chan turns to Namori.

"Hu-huh…?" Namori jerks to look at her, surprised.

"Do you ever wonder why we're here?" Maple-chan questions.

"...So-sometimes…" Namori looks down. "L-late at night, I… I ask myself questions. Li-like…" She sighs. "Why… why am I here? Wh-who put me here? An-and… why is…?" She trails off, not finishing her question.

…

"...I meant, uh, why are we standing out here…?" Maple-chan gives her a sheepish half-smile. "...Do ya wanna talk about it?"

Namori's eyes widen. "A-ah, uh…"

…

Maple-chan shrugs. "Well, if you don't wanna, that's fine."

"N-no, it's…" Namori clams up, her arms progressively curling up towards her chest. "...Can we go for… a wa-walk?"

"Sure." Maple-chan gets on the move. "Lead the way!"

The two fairies break from the door, and begin wandering off. I'm sure they'll be able to take care of themselves. I mean, if they can't, they'll respawn anyway. No harm, no foul, right?

Spea~king of that… I did _not_ intend to burn half of the swordsman of the riot-whatever company! I guess I'll take the blame for that, but uhhh… eheh? Forgive me if I seem a bit unpassionate about it, but I didn't really know those guys, and uhh… yeah. I'm sure they had families and stuff, but the easy way to get over these things is to just not think about them. Willful ignorance!

...Can't say the same for the villagers, though! Diplomacy's gonna be a rat's ass… Like, 'hey sorry about the fleshy inferno and all but eheheh let's talk Reimu'. Yeah, no!

There's also this hostage situation…

As I walk back into the room, Meira's eyes lock on me. "What do you plan to do now?"

That's just what I was about to ask myself! "I don't know, but I plan negotiations."

Her eyes widen. "What kind of negotiations?"

"...The negotiatory type!" I don't mean nuking the village from orbit! "So, Keine…"

"I told you. I have no idea." Meira shook her head.

Balls. Guess I'm gonna have to do some detective work, yo… with a frikoff fairy armada. Them dying would actually be beneficial, but I'll be damned if I don't try to get them through this entire endeavor!

There's also that kitty cat who's going ballistic.

...I stretch a bit…!

I glance at the bed in the other room…

There's a pile of female fairy friends on it.

I think I'll just climb onto the table… It's against a wall, yo. It's cuddly.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 38

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY:

Youkai Inconveniencer - Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives that I mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

Holy Talismans - Provides a holy upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

Electric Talismans - Provides an electric upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out…

A Wiffle Duster - For shoving up people's rectums.

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

blazed through most of this chapter in two days, then finished it up later

been playing CIVILIZATION FIVE… you know how that goes, games on quick take the better part of ten hours… yeah

fluffy days

shit's goin' down in the human village, too! yo ho ho…

aiko kuro is pretty much a rip of CAPTAIN KURO from One Piece, for the short duration i watched it

shame he never appeared again; i woulda skipped to those episodes honestly

except now he's a she and she's a neko girl… kitty's got CLAWS SON

as always, see you all next time!


	47. Absolutely Terrified Stumbling

(in which we find out just what the hell's goin' on around here)

I~'m awake, yo!

...And also on the floor, apparently. It looks like the table broke and slid me into the wall, while I slept… not that I care, because I still slept fine, so hyonk, hyonk, hyonk…

My attempts to escape my table hole thing broke the other two legs.

Bam.

...Now it's a siege vehicle!

The fairies in the room turn to look at me…

I see Ha-chan walking up to me. Hello, Ha-chan!

"Good morning, Brad-kun!" She greets me cheerfully!

...Blue and white stripes! I feel like I mentioned that, before…

"Hello, friend…" I grin up from the floor…

I am then punted by a person! Freakin'... I'm starting to build up a tolerance to getting sandals to my gut.

"You. Get up."

Aaa~h… Someone released miss angry eyebrows…

Meira bends down, and picks me up, propping me upright. "You're under arrest."

It's too early for this shit, man! Close the bloody door…!

"...Or, at least, you would be." She adds. "We've got a situation, and it's _your_ fault."

Too~ early, for this, yo.

"We've got fairies running amok in the town, and a rather unstable youkai on the loose…"

I begin nodding off. I was dreaming of Patchy-chan, too… Maybe if I-

She grabs my jaw, and glares into my eyes. "And I don't know about _you_ , but if the youkai outside these walls get an inkling about the _catastrophe_ going on in here, the human village is as good as _gone_. Do you understand me?"

World record for the quickest that things could go to shit in one day: achieved!

I nod drowsily… "Aye, aye, cap-e-tan."

...She seems to be slowly getting angrier!

"I-I mean, yeah, yo. I'll woop 'em 'n' I'll boop 'em, dude…"

...She shakes her head, and pushes me away. By now, I've gotten most of my liveliness back, so I don't trip and fall over the table remains-

Thud.

Nevermind, yes I do… I really need, like, a freakin' water bottle… It's too bad plastic parts haven't been invented yet! Now how can we complain about the insanely toxic plastic landfills if there are none?

Ha-chan helpfully offers a hand to help me off my bum! I grab onto it, and-

Thud.

She falls onto me, half-smooshing me.

"A-aah…" She wiggles a little. "Sorry, Brad-kun…"

Meira turns back to us. "Get up, already! I didn't tell you all of that just to watch you go back to bed!"

Define 'bed'. It's a piece of vehicular technology, lady…!

...Man. S'gonna be one of _those_ days…

...Freakin', "Ha-chan, wiggling helplessly doesn't help us get up any faster…"

She chuckles. "I know…"

Aaah.

…

One of _those_ days.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I stumble out the front door, where Meira stands, with her arms folded.

"What were you doing…?" She narrows her eyes at me. "It took you ten minutes…"

"I'm sure you counted." I shoot back. "I was freshening up, yo. Gettin' some air conditioners, 'n' shoven' 'em where the sun don't shine, you! Ungh! Drop a grommet, yo!"

…

"We'll get started with the fairies." She sighed. "The guards only managed to get two of them, so far."

Wha~t. No~.

...She noticed my grimace. "I'm sure this goes against your plans, and that's good. I'm sure you had nothing good planned."

Son.

"...I don't know where the fairies could be, right now." She admits. "I want them rounded up, and brought to me. I'll be at the guard headquarters."

In before I just ignore her, do all that shit of my own accord, and beat her up when I have enough potions to do so. Or the company!

Wait…

"Where's your butt buddy, Fred?" I question.

"Somebody! Stop those fairies!"

Meira and I look to the side, where Komi sprints down the road, holding a tied up Fred over her head, as guards with bows chase her down, firing the sloppiest shots known to man after her. Freakin', have an equal chance of hitting Fred, with those kindsa shots.

...Meira sighs. "...Yeah."

I need to put Patchouli, Reimu, and Meira in the same room. The amount of sighing would collectively kill us, because the carbon dioxide would freakin' blot out the sun. Talk about a scarlet mist incident!

That'd imply carbon dioxide was actually visible, though. Oof.

...Meira's walked off while I idled. Komi's adopted the strategy of running in circles, just down the road. The scary part is that it seems to be working.

Ha-chan's just staring at me, and smiling. Hello, friend…

…

Now it's a staring contest…

…

"We should do something, Brad-kun." Ha-chan moves to nudge me in the direction of Komi.

Oka~y, she's not totally brainblasted! Yo ho ho!

"Good to know you have idle animations, Ha-chan." I put a hand on her shoulder.

She smiles. "I don't know what those are."

First thing's first: always check the place you came from. That's like, rule number one in explorations.

I go back inside the house, to Ha-chan's confusion. In here… there doesn't seem to be anything I actually missed while drowsy. Hmm.

...I take a table leg. See, there was something here.

I move to the door, but Ha-chan gets in the way, just beginning to enter the house.

"Move, friend." I nudge past her as she walks inside…

…

Now it's just me, somehow. Ha-chan hasn't come back out! Freakin' pathfinding.

Komi barrels down the road ahead of me, again. I should _probably_ stop her, at least.

"Yo!" I call out to her. "Ko~mi! Duck in here!" I point at the house…

She glances at me, and chooses to ignore me, continuing to charge down the road.

Y'twat. I have to actually _follow_ her? Guu~h… I think I'll get to her later, then.

Ha-chan finally catches up. I feel her presence behind me…

"...Catch Komi, friend." I instruct her. "She's runnin' off."

She gives me a little salute, and begins to sprint after her. Ha-chan, you can fly! Do that! That's probably faster…!

Well, it keeps her occupied. This at least gives me an excuse to get all up in the village's business. Break into people's houses and smash their pots and jars for money, y'know. The works.

I think I'll head to the square to get a grasp on the sitchiation…

It's also a bright, sunny day. Ho ho! A little cold, but the sun helps. Also, a whole lot of villagers seem to just be not giving a shit about what's going on, and that's probably about right.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The market's as active as it normally is, and perhaps even moreso, today.

A certain brown-haired fairy has blended in with the crowd, wearing male villager clothes as she, uh… walked in circles. I didn't notice at all, at first, but she's literally going in a uniform circle and looking around, so I was eventually like 'what the hell's goin' on here'.

Namori stood at some kind of fish stand, clapping her hands as a fish flopped around. She seems to be having a better time than ever before, so I'll just leave her be, for now…

I'll confront miss uniform circles, here. I pretend to bump into her. "Yo."

She pauses, locking eyes with me. "U-uhm… Hello, sir… How do, you do?"

Totally not suspicious. "I know it's you, Maple."

She huffs. "It's Maple- _chan_. That, or Mapleweather, but I don't like being called that."

Mapleweather, huh? Anyway… "Why'd you guys all skedaddle?"

"That mean samurai lady got free." She shrugged. "We weren't just gonna let her nuke us. So we got outta there."

Aah. That's understandable. "I was tasked with rounding you guys up."

She nods. "Oo~h. Well, that sucks."

Y'know, they're not causin' any harm to anyone, aside from Fred, so I think I'll just leave 'em be.

"...On second thought, I think I won't bother." Yeah, screw that. One person I do need to account for, though… "Y'know where psychokitty is?"

Mapleweather- yes I'm calling her that now- tilts her head. "Who?"

"That cat with all the claws. Of all time." I explain. "Freakin' katana hands? Katana hand Sam?"

"Oo~h. I dunno." Mapleweather begins walking towards Namori.

You were no freakin' help!

...Mapleweather seems to buy Namori another fish, as the other one begins to die. I assume she took the wallet of the dude that owned that house, or something.

Aiko Neko, I think her name was? Yeah, she's not someone to let run around with reckless abandon. I could even get _paid_ for capturing her!

Neko's a rather apt last name, then again, y'got people named Mapleweather, so I guess it's par for the course…

I think I'll shop around… I still need George to gimme my fookin' money.

Ha-chan taps me on the shoulder, reminding me she exists. I jump. "Yo~!"

"Brad-kun, look…!"

She points at a rather spiffy red and blue stand. At the stand was some girl with tower hair. Holy shit. Dude, do you think she like, has archers on her hair tower?

She's also adorably stout.

What's Ha-chan want over there, though? I turn to her…

...She looks back and forth between me and her, her arms slowly raising to her sides. "...She's cute!"

I can't disagree with that sentiment! I'd also say it's good enough excuse to pay her a visit…

We navigate to the stand, and she notices us. Smiling, she waves at us as she announces her service. "Thou must have desired my blessings. What say'st thou?"

Wat.

Ha-chan squees, and dives over the desk. "Yea~h!"

The girl's eyes widen, and she tries to retreat, hitting the back of her booth. "F-fairy, zo! No~!"

Thud! They landed on the floor inside the stand. Ha-chan nuzzled her cheek…

"I-I seem to be inflicted by- aa~h! Molestation!"

Fluffy haired people…

…

"Have you seen anybody with cat ears?" I idly inquire the fluffy haired person on the floor.

"A-ah! Pl-please… I-I beg…"

Ha-chan, what're you doing to her?

The girl looks up at me. "Si-sir, I pledge for aid!"

I shake my head. "Sometimes, friend, these things just have to happen."

She looks at me like I've sentenced her to death. "Yo-you… cr-cruel… Ahn!"

Alright, then! I wander away from the stand, satisfied with what I accomplished.

I hear tumbling from the stand, and the girl rushes out from around the side of the stand, Ha-chan holding onto one of her legs.

"Si-sir! Thy blessing…" She limps towards me at full speed! "And I-I did sight a peculiar feline fellow. Methought themselves unkempt and inappropriate, as being a youkai typically inflicts upon oneself…" She shook her head. "Mind not the apparent. Uh-uhm… Thou hast arrived to inherit a most brave blessing?"

I mean, look, lady, I can speak old, too. "A thousandth apologies, my ladyth. Thine hasn't-th come-arrived to adopt an blessing of thy people."

...She stares at me dryly. "Art thou daft?"

Bollocks. "Yes."

She nods. "Foolish rogue."

Oo~h, a _rogue!_ I wonder if she knows this phrase… "I simply wish to bask in your peppermint creams, milady."

Slap!

 _Yeow!_

Blushing, she begins to stomp away. "Pe-perverted cur… Fornicate thyself. "

Ha-chan stares between us, surprised, oblivious to our verbal exchange.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

That red handprint she left on my face probably means yes!

She also didn't know where the kitty went, but she did see her. So, yeah. She's in town, and apparently bein' on the downlow. I thought she'd be rampaging…

S'not as bad as I thought, overall!

Guess I can get right down to the meat of the business, then: finding Keine. Savin' teacher Keine, yo.

...Where the hell do I start?

Guess I'll check the school… that I don't know the location of.

I stop a random dude on the road. "He~y, buddy, where's the school?"

He raises his brow. "School?"

I nod. "Yeah. School."

"..." He turns away from me, and begins walking.

Ey, man… fook you.

I quickly pop by fluffy girl's stand…

She lights up, but deflates upon seeing me. "Knave. Avaunt!" She waves at me to dismiss me.

I drop to the floor, pretending to fall.

…

She looks over the desk, curious.

"Hi." I wave at her. "Do you know where the school is?"

…

"Why must thou want such obvious information?" She scoffs at me. "...Ask someone else."

Wat. "Yo, it'd be easier on the both'a us if ya just played along, fluffy!"

She folds her arms. "I copulated with thy mother."

Pffft…! _That_ I didn't expect! That makes revisiting her worth it.

...I turn to Ha-chan. "You know where the school is?"

She nods.

…"Do you _really_ know where the school is?"

She shakes her head.

Hrrm.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I pop by the guard headquarters for recon and things…!

Passing by the front desk, I flash my badge. "Rustbucket Johanson. Youkai Exterminator. Guy with the world's biggest broadsword. You know."

...The clerk stares at me skeptically. "Go on, then."

I continue through the double doors, to the youkai exterminator room…

Meira glances at me from the bar counter, giving me a death glare. I give her a cheery thumbs up!

Albus is on the chair again, looking dead.

George is nervously polishing a glass behind the bar counter…

...I walk up, and sit a seat away from Meira.

"Where's the fairies?" She immediately jumps to the beeswax!

"Home." I smile at her. "...By which, I mean, I'm workin' on it."

She narrows her eyes at me. Oh, boy…

"...Very well."

Good, good… So! "George, where's the school?"

Meira doesn't like the sound of that. "What's it to you?"

"One of the fairies liked school teaching, so I'm thinking of checking there." Blatant lies. "It-it was like a fetish of hers."

...Meira nods. "Hmph."

...George smiles. "I'm, uh, afraid the school hasn't been in session… for the past week, at the least."

Hmm?

"...It's the flat, wide building on the east street." He informs me.

S'all I needed. By that, he means west street, because I flipped everything in my head. "Thanks, yo. Don't worry, Meira…" I near the double doors, and prepare to close them… "I think Reimu's armpits are pretty sexy, too."

Slam.

It is now the time for running!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Meira doesn't respect doors, I found. She didn't expect me to hide just under the stairs of the HQ, though…!

Anyway, a short, uneventful trip eventually lead me to the abandoned site of Keine's school.

I approach the school grounds…

Everything looks locked up, tight. That's unfortunate, 'cause it means Keine's gonna need some new double doors.

Tundra Bloomer buffs me up, and I use it as a battering ram…

Bam! Bam! Bam!

...Shit, Keine, you don't need blast doors for a school!

Bam! Bam! Bam!

Dude…

Bam! Bam...

Jesus, fuck.

Bam, bam, bam, bam!

…

Aight, fuck this. I'll just use the window…

Sha~tter!

 _Much_ better.

...I cla~mber inside. I just realized Ha-chan wandered off again. Was it while I was talkin' with that tower girl, or was it on the way to the guard place? She's so fickle… like a fairy.

Gensokyo fairy girls!

Anyway, this place is dead as a doornail. Navigating the halls, I eventually- oh.

Ooh.

"...Human."

I found Aiko!

I wave. "Hi, kitty."

She scowls. "...Have you come to throw off my plan?"

Ye- no. "I came to look for the school teacher."

She grins. "Kamishirasawa? Hah. She's one of _our_ ranks, now. If you were to meet her, she'd kill you, for certain. Though I _could_ arrange a meeting, for _you_ , of course…" She smirks.

I nod. "Okay."

…

"...Alright, then." Her gaze shifts around. "Well… follow me. Outside the walls, then. It's in a forest... outside."

"Sure." I nod casually.

…

She draws a handful of katanas from parts unknown. "Why shouldn't I simply kill you now?"

Oh, shieut… I shrug. "I'm fluffy."

…

"You are _such_ a bore." Aiko shakes her head, lowering her katanas. "I suppose it would be messy, even in a secluded place like this. That accursed samurai has eyes on the back of her head. You seem useless enough, so I will spare you. Tell your boss that Aiko Kuro-"

It was Aiko Kuro, not Neko! Aaa~h, damn. I got confused.

"-is back in town. Infact, tell the _Hakurei_ , even. I care not who you tell. After all… _everything_ is going according to my plan." She grins widely.

I gasp exaggeratedly. "What is your dastardly plan…!?"

…

"I am not stupid."

With that, she vanishes. Damn, I thought she'd take that bait…

It's probably something like 'extinction of the human race', or 'conquest of the human village'.

This school's not that big, really. It's like, in a U shape, with a lobby in the midst of the U. I'm surprised Keine actually has so many rooms. Isn't she, like, the only teacher?

Hmm.

Keine's office should be around the center… Ah. Here it is. 'Teacher's Office'. Only one teacher, so…

I go inside- what the fuck.

Scribbles line the walls. The word 'youkai' is scribbled across some of them, along with 'get out' and 'stop'.

Shit, dude… What was goin' on with Keine, in here!?

Papers from her desk were strewn about on the floor, and a cabinet hung open, while a different cabinet was lying on its side, sprawled on the floor.

...I look across her desk. Lots of grading papers that were simply spread about, some of which had sloppy sketches in red pen over the work of students. A deep claw mark was embedded in the desk.

...I look at the calendar, and it reads the year one hundred thirty-one. I've got no freakin' clue how Gensokyian calendars work, but I dunno about that year…!

There seem to be no concrete clues in here. I'm not entirely willing to believe what Kuro said, either. She seems like a bit of a tool.

I could ask Yukari! "Yukari~!" I call out! "Yuka~ri!"

...Nothin'.

Sigh. Alright, alright, I know how to get her attention… Hey, readers. How ya doin'? S'chapter thirty-nine. Fluffy days, huh…?

A gap opens in front of me. Yeaa~h! "Yo, so-"

A plate flies through the gap. I duck under it, and it smashes into the wall.

Yukari leans out of the gap. "If I don't appear, it's for a reason, human. You'd be wise to remember that."

With that, she retreats back in, and it zips shut.

Geez. What's got her panties all in a bunch?

So, either Keine's becomin' a schizo, or somethin's up. I dunno…

Man, liberating a village from its own incompetence is freakin' _hard!_

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I knock on Sekibanki's door!

…

A man opens it up. Yo~! It's Matt!

"Oh. It's _you._ "

"It's me!" I spread my arms.

"It's Brad!" Ha-chan, where the hell did you come from!?

"...Why are you here?" Matt raises a brow. Ho ho!

"I'm lookin' for info on Keine, friend. She's part of the hustle 'n' bustle of the big city now, we gotta do something!" Yo!

"...There is no 'me' in 'we'." He stares at me dryly. "I have things to get done, today."

Su~re… "Like what, son? Stabbing dudes in the junk?"

...He smirks. "I'm not as crude as you. I do things more professionally than that."

Aaa~h. I always doubt he could actually kill somebody. Like, I know he could, but I dunno about the whole 'going through with it' thing. I dunno.

Where's Seki, anyway…? Maybe I should use words. "Where's Seki, anyway?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

Sekibanki walks up behind him.

"No." I shake my head.

"Oh."

…

Sekibanki flicks him on the back of the head. He turns to her neutrally…

"You're supposed to be shopping." She pushes him out. "Do that."

The door closes.

Huh.

...He sighs. "Shopping. How invigorating."

I grin. "Didn't know you had a thing for headless women, yo."

He stares at me vainly.

"...How would fellatio from Sekibanki feel, anyway?" I wonder aloud.

Ha-chan punches me in the back. Oof…

"Go on. Do tell." Matt notices Ha-chan's hostilities towards me.

Freakin'... "Nevermind, yo, nevermind…"

I walk with him to the shops and things!

...His eyes run across Namori, who is now standing in front of, like, six dead fish, and one flopping one. Mapleweather joined her in the clapping…

Komi runs through the plaza, being trailed by archers.

Matt holds up a hand. "Behold. The most unnavigable shop imaginable."

Trust me, yo, I've been hea. I know.

Most of the people in this shop are the generic sorts… and then there's tower hair girl. She's fun.

Oh, hey! "Yo, ain't that Youmu?" I remember seeing her and Matt together, back at the manor, at one point.

He looks where I point, and notices her. She's walking looking down, appearing very sorta solemn… I assume Yuyuko's sending her on an emergency food run or something.

I turn to Matt, who made for tower hair's stand, and hid within it.

She turned to him, and flinched back in surprise. "Wh-whah? Depart from this stand…" She tries picking him up, but he latches to the underside of the stand. "I-I declare…"

...Hmm. I approach Youmu. "Yo ho ho!"

No response.

"...You seen Keine at all?" I know I'm soundin' like a broken record, but that's how ya get shit done as a detective.

"No."

Honest answer. I respect that.

…

"S'up?" I walk alongside her. "What's gotcha down, yo?"

"Mmrgh."

Vivid detail.

...I watch Youmu walk down the road. I dunno where she's goin'.

...The girl eventually succeeds in lifting Matt, and places him beside the stand like a cat.

"Seat thyself here. There is nothing of worth in this here stand." She chides him.

He looks around, noticing that Youmu was gone, and stands back up. He waves off the girl, and continues towards me… "What will you be doing?"

"Finding fluffles in the sand." I smile casually.

He glares at me.

I begin walking off. "Well, have fun shopping with miss old speak and the fairy rabble!"

"I'll make sure of it." He stares at me as I walk off.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I'm gonna try and see if _anyone_ in the guard headquarters knows where Keine is, not just George and Meira.

I open the door, and see the clerks again! Youmu is also just approaching one of the desks, herself. Wonder what she's here for…

The leftmost clerk is the one I approach! He looks up at me, and I grin down at him. "Sophomore Phillmore, attorney at law. Lemme in, or I'll blow my brains out." My grin becomes smug, as if I knew something he didn't.

His eyebrows raise. "..."

Oh, right. I flash my Youkai Exterminator badge.

"...Ah. Very well."

A different clerk answers Youmu. "Hmm?"

"...Wh-what do you do… to stop murderers?" Youmu lists a popular, frequently asked question!

The elderly clerk pauses for a moment. "...Is it a youkai?"

Youmu frowns. "I-I guess. If it makes a difference."

"It makes all the difference, young lady." The elderly clerk chuckles. "Now, what kind of murders?"

"...Stabbing. Burning." Youmu forces out.

The elder raises their eyebrows. "...Interesting."

"...The-the killer… they use a pair of scissors." Youmu fidgets as she describes him.

Huh.

...The clerk before me stares at me impatiently. Eheh…

"...We should talk this over somewhere else." The elderly clerk stands up. "Come with me, young lady…"

"Y-yes…" Youmu bows, and the counter is opened for her to follow.

 _Someone's_ been busy, huh…?

Anyway…

I slam open the doors to the youkai exterminator room! "Holy _shit!_ "

George jumps "A-aah!"

Albus looks up at me, eyes wide.

Meira shoots a glare at me. "Where're the fairies!?"

I shrug exaggeratedly. "Dude, I don't fuckin' know! Look, we're gettin' gotten out there!"

Unamusement is present on her face. Please, no.

"Dude, believe me when I tell you; they gots themselves a bigass anti-son-of-a-bitch machine out there, and it's vaporizing people!" I point outside several times with my hands. "They took me, they shook me, and they made ma a new fookin' box!"

"Speak sense." Meira gets up, brandishing a steely look…

"Okay. Picture this…" I hold up my hands, making a picture frame with them. "Giant hoola hoops. From the _sky_. They're _coming_. Me and the guard platoon- we got _wasted_. They were all talkin' 'bout the future, and shit. We're done. We're getting casted into the _dark ages_ , dude. Humanity is undone."

...Meira moves to draw her sword. "I'll be the judge of this."

She pushes past me, moving outside…

…

George narrows his eyes at me. "Are you-"

"Motherfuckin' _clamp traps!_ " I slam my hands on the bar counter. "A dude got split in half and you're about to question me if this story's legit!? Man, fuck you, man. Like, man… man." I shake my head, as if disappointed. "Man."

"S-sorry…" He scratches the back of his head. "...Should we evacuate?"

"Uu~hm- yes. Yes. Definitely." I nod deeply. "If you don't, they'll take you, and you'll be gone."

"Ve-very well, then…" He nods. "...I'll wait for Meira to get back, just incase."

Smart man…

"I'll just go hide for life." I wave. "Don't get raped!"

With that, I close the door.

...The clerk stares at me with his jaw open.

"...I'd like to speak with your manager." I point at him. "Official exterminator things, you know."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I'm with Youmu, again. She's nervously brooding in this little wooden chair next to me…

An old man with a metric shitton of fancy robes meanders in. "...What is this about giant rings from the sky?"

First, my question. "Do ya know what the hell happened to Kamisharasausagefest?"

He blinks.

Youmu's brooding is momentarily broken to give me a look of pure incredulity.

"...I… know not who you are talking about." He shakes his head.

For reals, "Keine Kamiwhosherface."

…

"No such citizen ever existed." The man frowns at me.

Wait, hold on, then. "School teacher. Keine. Blue ha-"

"Do _not_ speak of that name in this facility again, or you will be _hung_." The old man booms. I didn't know he could make such a voice…! "The matter is being looked into. Nothing more."

I have a penchant for being a nosy bastard, however. "Looked into how? Whaddaya know?"

"Silence, exterminator, or I'll have your badge revoked." He commands.

"Answer my bloody questions! It ain't hard!" This guy's tryin'a pull teeth, hea!

" _Guards_." His voice echoes throughout the facility.

...Men in purple robes- _purple robes_ \- run in. They's those twats who went after Reimu.

Guy won't tell me where Keine is. Matter's being 'looked into'.

Purple robes.

…

Youmu stands. "Wh-why me…?"

"We know you to be a youkai, miss Konpaku. Your display in the village the other day cemented our beliefs." He grinned. "Do not worry. You will not remain a youkai, for much longer…"

Hohoho~! I see how it is now!

A magic circle forms around us, but fuck that shit.

I pull out Youkai Inconveniencer.

Youmu draws her blades. "Th-this is horrible…"

Time to blind everyone!

Fwaaa~sh!

Screw your magic circle, yo.

"Blast it…"

"Accursed holy magic…"

"Damn…"

Bad part is that it blinds me, too. I think about reaching for Youmu-

Shi~ng!

Yeaa~h, Youmu can reach for herself…

I duck under the table.

Bam! That was the door.

"After them!" I hear the old big boss man yell, and the dark magi scramble to chase Youmu.

"Under the table…!"

I take out the Bawmber. I stand, pushing the table off myself.

The grand elder leers at me. "Foolish exterminator… This is where your career ends, and your new career as an Anti-Hakurei Unit begins!"

I raise the Bawmber. "There's only two ways this can end… and in both of them, _you_ die."

He goes from mirthful to pissed off. "You…"

Running up to the wall, I smack it-

Boom!

I soar out of the room, through the door frame, to the surprise of the remaining dark mages and the big elder.

Bam!

 _Fuck_ walls…

I scramble out of the room as dark mages trail after me, moving slowly in their big robes. A few of them wave their staves, and they glow with green ener- ooh.

I'm _slow!_ Yo, no!

Once they catch up ta me, I'll blast 'em!

...They near me, and their staves begin sparking.

No~pe! So much nope! I slam the floor with the Bawmber pre-emptively.

Bam!

Ceilings are a harsh mistress… My poor, aching back...

The mages back up, startled by the blast. I shamble to the lobby, and freakin toss myself over the desk…

Thud. Oo~f…

I hear the dark mages hot on my heels past the desk, so I haul my ass, and get the hell outta there!

I open the door as Meira does.

"You!"

No time for this! I strike the door with the Bawmber.

Bam!

"Guuah!" She goes flying out the door and into the dirt road. Villagers turn to stare…

I'm half dead, now. Like, shit. My arm is _so_ fucking burnt… On the upside, I can hardly feel it…!

That might not be an upside, now that I think about it.

Kirisame Magic Shop! Floor it, legs! Just- ugh…

I pocket the Bawmber, and pull the Escape Plan forth.

A feel a hand grab my arm, but I turn and start scratching his hand with my untrimmed nails.

"Fuck…!" Hah! I break from him with a sudden tug of my arm, and use the speed boost to accelerate.

"Hehehe~!" You lose, noobs! You lo~se!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Adrenaline worn out… Euphoria from trolling dark mages faded…

After traversing purely backroads, I stumble into the Kirisame Magic Shop, and the little bell above the door rings.

Marcus looks up, and his eyes widen. "Wow. You turn yourself into a lich, or didja come here askin' me to do it for ya?"

"Po-potion…" I throw myself towards the counter.

"You have the money?" You asshole…

"Gimme a tab." I mumble, "Charge me extra on it, wh-whatever…"

He smiles. "Can't buy nothin' else till you pay it. Seven hundred fifty yen for a potion."

Sure. I hold out my good hand…

He plops the potion down into it, and I guzzle it- achk!

"Kough! Kough! Kough…!"

"Easy, kid. Dying here'll look bad on my life insurance." He quips.

Freakin'... Is life insurance even a thing in Gensokyo!?

After taking a breath, I shove the potion in my mouth again…

Gulp, gulp, gulp… gulp…

Haa~h…

...I feel better already.

I stand up straight as my legs slowly cease burning, and my arm begins to tingle again. "Thanks, doc. I really owe ya one…"

"More like seven hundred fifty." He grins. "Actually, I should prob'ly write that down, here…"

Freakin' oof. "I'll pay ya back once I get the dough, boss man…"

"If I had a yen for every time I heard that." He folded his arms. "I'll hold ya to it."

Koo. Someday I'll get that yen from George. Freakin', yo…

…

Youmu musta just _bolted_ outta there, huh? And what was that 'bout murders? Hnngh… I gotta focus on the whole Keine deal, though. And prepare to _fuck up_ the town guard headquarters. Some seriously shady shit's goin' down there, yo.

What'm I gonna do next… Well, it's like, midday. Ha-chan keeps mysteriously popping in on my happenings whenever she feels like it, so y'know, I dunno if I can count on her today.

"Hello, Brad-kun!"

Speaking of…! "Where were you!?" I point at her.

"Wahuh!?"

Don't you get all cute and flustered with me, fairy maid friend…! "I was gettin' lynched by dark mages, and you were all like- poof! Zoopin' doops!"

She pouts. "Aawwhh…"

She comes in for a hug, and, yeah.

…

I mean, what'm I gonna do, say no? I'd be fookin' stoopid.

…

I catch Marcus smirking at us. I would be, too.

…

So how long's this gonna go on? Not that I'm complainin', or anything…

…

Marcus's smirk becomes a smile.

…

I think he's actually getting bored. Maybe this has gone on long enough!

"...I appreciate the comfort cuddles, Ha-chan, but I got ass to kick." I declare.

Marcus snorts. "Pffft…"

...I turn to him. "I know, yo, funny comin' from me. S'actually a bit serious, though."

"If you say so…" He chuckles.

Time to pop el serioso question. "You seen Keine around?"

...He tilts his head. "Now that I think'a it, no."

"Exactly." I try to break from Ha-chan, but she holds on tighter. Ha-chan, please…

Marcus seems intrigued. "Hmm?"

I'm gettin' squeezed, dude! "H-Ha-chan, yo…"

She releases me, pouting. What's gotten into her, yo…?

I approach the desk. "I tried askin' the big man upstairs about Keine's whereabouts."

Marcus has an incredulous grin.

Oh, right, that refers to god, not boss people. I think. "I mean the big guy in the guard H.Q."

He tilts his head. "Li~ke…?"

Time to describe! "Big robes, has purple dudes helpin' him, old coot, no offense?"

Marcus nods, as if recalling something. "Aaa~h! You mean Paul. Guy was always kinda an asshole."

Freakin' Paul.

"...What was that 'bout Keine?" Marcus searches for answers.

"I think them weird guards got somethin' on Keine." I tell him. "...And, or, have her captive."

…

He looks me levelly in the eyes. "You're sure about this?"

Son. "Bloody well sure, mate."

…

…

…

Ha-chan slowly rises over my shoulder behind me.

"Alright. I'll pass the word along to someone who matters." He shrugs. "If you lied, I'll just smoke ya later."

Please, no.

I turn around, and notice Ha-chan behind me. Hello, friend.

...Carefully weaving past her, I continue to the door.

"Don't be a stranger." Kirisame sees me off.

"You too, yo." I wave back.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I must organize everyone for round two of the besiegement, and it will be upon the clown car of guards they call a guard headquarters!

Taking the main road back to the town square- holy shit.

Purple robed men seem to be navigating all the villagers out of the main square proper, setting up blockades of some kind in the center of town.

Oh, no, they fuckin' _didn't!_

Ha-chan's following me, and between her fairy wings and my long Kaguya hair- which I should probably freakin' take off- we're obvious as frik.

Actually… I've got a plan.

Grabbing Ha-chan's arm, I pull us into the back road-y bits. Searching the nearby walling, I open the nearest door, and drag her into the little square room thing. I dunno why these back alley doors have miniature indoor porches, but it's cool.

I begin undoing my suspenders, until I struggle with pretty much everything related to said suspenders, so uh, screw that. I manage to get my wig off, however!

"Oo~h…" Ha-chan stares at me as I half-ass the act of taking things off. "Are we playing birthday tag?"

Nope. Not gonna ask.

...I grin. "The _frik_ is birthday tag?" I must know.

She smiles. "Well, you take all your clothes off-" Ooh. "-and you play tag." ...Oh. "It used to be a thing back in the mansion, but the chief told us we couldn't do that. She started killing us as soon as we took our clothes off…"

Sakuya~... Why~.

Oh, well. "No, friend, we aren't."

"Awwwh…"

Yeah, that's me, too.

I slip on my monk robes over my suspenders, and stash my Kaguya wig. Now, for Ha-chan… "Is there any way we can hide your wings?"

Ha-chan grabs her wings, concerned. "What's wrong with my wings…?"

Please. "Nothin', yo, it's just, them edgy mages will blast us if they know you're a fairy."

...She's still holding onto her wings.

This is gonna take some doin'...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Ha-chan and I walk up to the barricade of those pesky edgy mages. They're pretty much just shooing people away whilst congregating in the center of town. I dunno what it is they're doing, but it looks like a Harry Potter convention.

I walk up to one of the little paper barricade things they set up. "Greetings, officers!"

...The nearest edgy frik raises a brow. "How you know we're officers?"

This dude's, like, a teenager. Freakin' mook.

I roll my eyes. "C'mon, you're not wearin' freakin' superhero masks, guys. I mean- yeah."

…

Coulda been worse!

A different, taller guy comes up to us. "Well, we're occupying the village square. For the greater good." He explains to me. "Go home, citi-"

He sees Ha-chan. He's staring at her wings.

I roll my eyes and try to play it off all cool like. "She's a _cosplayer_ , if you wanna know. I thought you guys'd be able to tell, cosplaying yourselves."

The tall guy frowns, but the teen blinks, and moves to speak. "O-oh… I thought she was a-... right. No youkai." He sighs. With the words 'no youkai' spoken, the taller man simply walks off, ignoring us. "Why'a you here?"

"Our house is on the street to the right there." I point to the road I want. "Like, yeah."

He nods. "No problem, bro."

Ha-chan has a disguise, you see. It is her regular clothing, except she's got that fake moustache and big nose with glasses. Flawless disguise.

He lets us follow him behind the barricade, and then we get stopped by more men in edgy ass purple robes. "Are these citizens prisoners?"

"Nah, bro. Cosplayers." Our escort holds up his hands and makes the peace sign at them. "They goin' home."

The taller, older men stare at us judgmentally. "...They are suspicious."

Our escort sasses him, like a good rebellious teenager. "Bro we're wearin' like purple robes all up in this shit and we callin' people _suspicious?_ "

The man recoils in disgust, while the other one simply shakes his head and walks away. "Brother Jackal, I'll have you know that this color represents our youkai oppression, and-"

"My name's Jack, bro. Y'can keep callin' me Jackal, though. Kinda cool." He makes a neutral-yet-asshole-ish face. Neutrally an asshole, basically.

The man scowls. "Your insubordination is, to be quite frank, disgusting."

"Bro, your face is disgusting. Ooo, kill 'em!" He reels back, grinning. "Hahaha~!"

I may have picked the wrong escort.

"Guh…" The taller man flinches, then begins walking away, shaking his head. "Your defiance will be reported."

Hyo~nk! Reported, noob! Gettin' yo account _deleted!_ That's what you get for killing me in an M-rated, multiplayer first-person shooter!

With that, the taller man moves further into the crowd of barney-robed asshats.

"...Gay." The escort mumbles, turning to me. "C'mon, bro. Lemme get you and your wife out of this… stupidfest."

I'd like to wander how the word 'gay' even evolved to be what it is, inside the barrier. I guess outside world culture? What other outsiders are here? If there're any, I don't see 'em, and Keine reacted pretty freakin' negatively to my outsider clothes.

Maybe it was my poofy hair…! Ho ho!

Actually… "Are you from outside the barrier?" I ask abruptly, even though we're near the other road.

He pauses, and slowly turns to look at me… "How the _fuck?_ "

I dunno if I was right or wrong about that statement!

"How you know that?" He narrows his eyes. "You one of them mind-readin' type youkai? I knew they existed!"

"You talk like a freakin' dudebro from the States. It's kinda hard not to tell, buddy." I point at him.

Ha-chan decides to help. "You're also- uhm, you're also really well-rounded! Like an outsider…?"

I'm not sure that helped all that much, Ha-chan…!

…

"W'ever." Shaking his head, he walks up ahead of this street's paper barricades, and I follow him. "Get outta here, 'n' don't come back. These fucka's fry your ass, homie. Staves that go 'zap', know wha' I'm sayin'?"

I nod. "Don't fry my ass, got it."

He grins, and walks away.

Well, that went well enough!

...Hastily, I near the house, and scramble inside, holding the door open for Ha-chan to barge in with me. Surprised by my sudden haste, she clumsily throws herself inside, as well.

Slam.

...Pleasingly _most_ of my fairy maids are back here!

Most.

Gravity-chan is missing, rest in pieces. Koi's noticeably not here, which is hmm…

Komi is playin' wit Mapleweather over by the broken table.

"...I think the important question might be _when_ we're here." Mapleweather declares.

"Right now." Komi has her arms folded, annoyance slowly rising… "The better question is how I haven't killed you yet."

Nevermind, I dunno who's playin' with who.

Namori sat on the bed, twiddling her thumbs.

Ha-chan moved to mingle with her friends. "Hello, friends!"

"H-hi…"

"Shut up."

"Hey, Ha-chan!"

Friendly…

Anyhow, we've got ourselves a new table craft in here! Although… "Yo Komi, you know where Koi is?"

Komi turns to me, ready to snap, but pauses. "...I think she went to the bar. Probably getting tipsy, as she does."

Freakin' drunk. She's probably gonna get freakin' nuked.

I scan the room a bit, and I see Fred in the corner, tied up, but not gagged. He had a plate of crackers next to him, only half eaten.

"Hey, look." I point at him. "It's Fred Fuchs."

"Just sod the fuck off, mate." He counters. "An' who're you? A fookin' youkai? Sorry disgrace you are, mate."

Ha-chan moves next to me, and glares down at him.

He glares back. "Fairy cunt."

To be fair, being tied up for multiple days wouldn't leave me in a pleasant mood, either.

Ha-chan gets closer to him, opening her mouth to say words, but none come. Instead, she just seethes.

I put a hand on her shoulder. "No, friend. He is simply having hard times."

She sighs. "I guess…"

Fred snaps at her. "Y'fookin' guess!? You _guess!?_ Look at me! Do I look fookin' happy!? This… this is deplorable! Th-this is incomprehensible stupidity!"

I look around. "Alright, where's the tape?"

Komi walks up to him with it. "On it."

Fred sighs. "Of course. Can't take the truth, can y', you- mmph!" He attempted to maneuver out of the way of the tape, but Komi was swift and precise.

That's enough, Fred. Those're _my_ fruity pebbles, now.

I bend down, and take his half-eaten crackers, and start munching on a few. The ones without bite marks, mind you.

"I got those from a trash can, by the way." Komi informs me as she moves back towards Mapleweather.

...If I could reverse eat them, I would. I start spitting anyway. "Pftoo! Echk!"

Freakin'...

Anyway, assaulting the guard house. I feel like a head-on approach ain't gonna be kosher, 'specially when they got edgy mages out the wazoo. Goin' fairy gear solid, though…

I look over at Komi, who's attempting to trap Mapleweather in a chokehold.

"Na-Nam-chan! He~lp!" Mapleweather calls for Namori's help.

...Namori curls up into a ball, and lays down on the bed.

...Well, it couldn't be worse than smashing our heads on their front door. Only problem's that we don't got Koi to be anti-infantry, which was kinda a big deal. Those AoE orbs were pretty much the bulk of our offense.

Komi and company'd make one hell of a distraction team, though! Hmm…

…

Fairy gear solid it is!

"Alright, friends..." I crack my knuckles… which is, wow. Musta been a game of Tetris goin' on in there, or somethin'...!

The fairies all look at me, interest levels ranging from 'engaged' to 'completely oblivious'.

"...Alright, friends." I start again, because knuckles. "Let's get this show on the road. You know what pub Koi went to?"

Komi shrugs. "The one in the square."

Fuck. Well… "I know where we're doin' our practice run, then. That table there," I point to it. Komi and Mapleweather turn to look at it. "That's our new mode of transport, yo."

…

"I call not carrying it." Komi blurts. "Woo."

I nod, stroking my chin. "We're gonna need some _whee~ls_..."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We progress off the back road, and into the main street with our fairy-powered vehicle!

"Quick- other side of the road…" I announce, as best as one can announce in a hushed tone.

"Wh-where…?" Namori and Mapleweather are our wheels. Two wheels does not a car make.

"Freakin', an alley!" I wave, even if they can't see it. "Get goin'..."

Our craft stumbles around, and even with Ha-chan on it, I find keeping a good balance precariously difficult!

I look over to Ha-chan, who is trying to make silly poses while standing behind me. _That's_ why the balance is shot…

Komi's trailing behind us, shooting mean glares to witnesses. There's not a terrible amount of witnesses, but I can tell the purple robe group is being all like 'what the hell'. Some guys're moving to interromagate us, but they're not gonna reach us before we fade into obscurity in the alleyways.

After a period of wobbling across the entire freakin' road, we make it to our destination. Inside the alley, we crash into walls, and hit garbage cans on our way to the pub.

"Can this thing _get_ more rickety!?" I yell at my wheels!

Suddenly, I find myself struggling to stay on as the table violently rocks back and forth. "Y-yo! Okay, okay, I'm sorry! You're gonna throw me- yo!" I nearly clipped a gutter with my _face!_

Alright, stabilization is kinda sorta returning… I can swear Mapleweather's giggling under there.

Wait! "Guys, right! Go right!"

We swerve right like a bunch of maniacs-

Bam!

Pffft… First, ouch. Second, holy shit. I like, got thrown into a section of walling, and I landed back on the table. "You guys are shitty wheels…"

Luckily, the pub's right here. Unluckily, we crash right into it.

Bam!

I'm thrown off and into the back wall of the pub, as the table backs up…

I drop to the floor, and stare up into the midday sky...

Thud. Ha-chan drops onto my stomach. "Huuu…!"

...She stands up, and gets off of me, as I shamble back to my feet…

Freakin'...

...Alright. "I'll go in. You guys-"

"I need a drink." Komi decides.

Mapleweather casts the tabletop aside, and reaches for Namori. "I think this'll be fun! C'mon Nam-chan!"

"I-I don't like alcohol…" Namori protests, her heels dragging in the dirt as Mapleweather drags her towards us.

...Well. I look to Ha-chan…

...She slowly clings to me like a freakin' magnet, smile unchanging.

I was gonna tell 'em to wait out here, but I guess this is becomin' a big freakin' to-do! "...Let's just, uh, go in, then."

...I slowly creep up to the back door, and whisper to them. "We're doin' this stealth. I dunno what you guys were thinkin', but this is gonna be quick."

"Why are you whispering?" Komi stares at me dryly. "Look…"

She pushes past me, and just loudly swings the door open, stepping in.

"C'mon, Nam-chan!" Mapleweather drags an increasingly flustered Namori in.

Ha-chan begins pushing me. "Let's get drunk, Brad-kun!"

What. No.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Well, we found Koi. She's currently hugging a big bag that says 'Granulated Sugar' in big bold font.

"...Ha~ yhou doin', bay~by?" She nuzzles it. Her table is dotted with empty mugs of beer.

Komi walks up to the bartender- from behind the counter, mind you- and makes her order. "Booze."

He frowns. "The hell're you doing, back here?"

...Komi climbs up onto the counter, pushing someone's drink off-

Smash!

-and takes a seat on a bar stool on the other side. "Booze."

Komachi grabs her by the shoulder. "Ey, bitch! Ya brohke mah booze!"

The bar is noticeably empty, aside from a smashed Suika lying on the floor in the corner, Koi, my fairy squad, and some short blonde lady. She had a black eye patch, and a freakin'... fedora.

I'm gonna assume she's an outsider, or some shieut. That'd explain the hipster tripster look.

Also, I'm in literal debt right now, so I can't buy no one no drinks!

Mapleweather pulls out the wallet she thefted; come to think of it, I have no idea what happened to that home owner. I don't particularly care, either…

"Drinks are on me, everyone~!" She starts shelling out yen bills. I know she didn't spend much back at the market, but Christ, that guy probably coulda moved out of that two room shack with that shit!

I turn to her, furrowing my brows. "How much you even got on you?"

"I don't know!" She cheers, tossing the money at the bartender. "I just give money, and I get stuff! Money's so cool…"

...Well, you do you, Maple...

Backpedalling from the table, I watch Komachi give Mapleweather a bear hug, promptly shoving her head in her cleavage.

I dunno if this'll be great for morale, or terrible. If everyone's drunk, I might be able to get them to do cuddly things. On the other hand, they might drink themselves into a coma and get pichuun'd by sheer alcohol levels.

Can fairies die of alcohol overdose? I'm sure Keine'd be reassured knowing I'm overthinking fairy mortality rather than saving her from whatever's got her locked up…

A paper ball bounces off my head. I turn to the hipster tripster…

"Get your baka ass over here!"

…

Hipster lady covers her mouth, realizing I actually paid attention to her.

Did she just use baka, and it didn't get translated by the barrier of language and shieut? Oh, well if _that_ ain't a dead giveaway...

I strut up to the table. "Hello, friend."

...She narrows her eyes. "Who said we were friends?"

"Me." I declare.

She rolls her eyes. " _Please._ You're just some nobody Myouren monk, I'm sure. Don't worry. I'll be _sure_ to tell Hijiri-chan that you tried to be kind to me."

Friendly. Guess I'll get to the point, then! "You're an outsider."

She smirks. "How'd you guess? Hehehe… Even though I'm an outsider, I'm capable, you know. So don't try to _deceive_ me or anything, or I'll be _sure_ to make you pay."

Oh no. "What's your 'ability', yo?" That's the terminology, right?

"My ability is to manipulate luck." She smiles. "That's why Yukari picked me to survey Gensokyo, for her. But, it's not all roses, you know…"

If what you say is true, you can win the lottery all day, any day. It's _all_ the roses.

"My dear brother, Greg, got lost in this _sleazy_ village. I cannot seem to find him for the life of me… and those purple robed brutes…" She grits her teeth. "I'll make them pay."

Careful with that edge, lady. Y'might just cut the fourth wall in half!

Yes, Yukari, that means you, what is this shit.

I sit at the table with the hipster tripster, and Yukari hangs out of a gap above a different seat. "I'm busy. This is the second time. Make it count."

The girl's jaw drops. "Yu-Yu…!?"

Geesh. Gonna be like walking on freakin' loaded bazookas. "Who is this?"

Yukari glances at her. "I know not, nor do I care. Fresh outsider. Is that all?"

Next question. "Can she control luck?"

Yukari furrows her brows at her… "She's just a normal human. As far as you're concerned, no. If that will be all, I'll see myself out."

...She takes a look around, first. "Hmm. I think I'll drown you in beer the next time you bother me."

Please don't be serious about that, friend. That day would be an objectively bad one.

With that, Yukari disappears.

…

"Sh-she's lying…" The blonde girl tries to defend. "She-she gapped me here- she had to have… It-it had those eyes! The purple eyes! She gapped me here!"

Komi sits where Yukari sat previously, smirking as she held an oversized mug of beer. "He~y, ugly bastard!"

Pffft…

"...I see yhou found somethin' equally crappy. Who the hell wears a fedora?" Komi insults the shaky girl.

...She stares down at the table, looking unstable. "I-I…" Then, she gives Komi a teary-eyed glare. "Fedoras are _cool!_ You're- you're just a lame _fairy!_ "

…

Komi narrows her eyes at her. "...What was that, bitch?"

We do not need a war between edgy bastards. "She said you're a flame fairy. She thinks that black hair of yours- it means coal, she thought." I cover for the noob.

...Komi shrugs. "She might be right."

…

The girl's staring at me now, eyes all teary. Freakin'... now I feel guilty about bein' all critical of her. "What's your name?" Time for introductions!

"...Aerith Reinhardt." She smiles.

…

…

She becomes sheepish. "...S-Sarah…"

Yeah, thought so.

"...Ba-"

"Last names are bad." I speak over her. "As in, they're a bad idea." The _air_ has _eyes!_ I mean, considering you're not a- actually Yukari said she was gonna drown me in beer, nevermind. I thought nothing!

"O...okay…" She seems to have calmed down.

Now, for the stupid gear… "What's with all the tacky clothing?"

"I-I stole it." She admitted, sitting her head on the table.

Hyonk. "The luck thing?"

She winces. "...I-I like cards."

Komi perks up. "Cards? Aw, yeah!"

Oh no. For real, I mean.

The little girl smiles. "Yeah… Yeah, I'm great at cards!"

Ha-chan popped up from behind my shoulder. "Cards? I like cards!" Ha-chan, you can't play Go Fish. How do you like cards!?

Komi takes a big sip from her mug. "I'm great at cards, girl. Watch 'n' learn."

Uhhh… Keine's gonna have to be patient, I guess.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Gensokyo loves Go Fish.

We all hold up our cards. Komi gets to go first after some drunken rage on her part, which intimidated Sarah.

"...Y'goh a Two of Aces?" She asks me.

A I'm sorry what? A two… of _Aces?_ What kind of suite is _Aces!?_

...I shake my head. "Nope." I don't got any aces, but I gots a two. No, uh… two of aces, though.

She stands up, slamming her cards down on the table. "Yhooh lyin' f _uck!_ "

I draw Swift Brand! Komi, no! Yo~!

She cringes, clipping the table with her gut trying to move through it, and ends up falling. For safety, I also add a gust of wind.

Fwoosh!

Cards fly everywhere, and Komi ends up sprawled out on the floor ahead of us…

"M-my cards!" Sarah got up, and began scrambling for her cards…

Ha-chan pouts. "Awwh…"

...I turn to her, grinning. "Do ya got a three of fours? Or maybe a ten of twos?"

Sarah giggles, despite having to play almost-fifty-two pickup.

"Myaa~hn…" Komi concedes defeat to the world.

So… Status report? Ha-chan's fine, Maple's drunk, Komi's _freakin'_ drunk, Koi's _freakin'_ drunk, and Namori…

"Hic!" Namori laid her head down on the bar counter.

...She actually only drank a little. I dunno if that was a crying 'hic' or a drunk 'hic', though.

Sarah seems to have gotten her cards in order. "...There."

Might as well engage her in discussion before I round up the troops! "...The frik're you doin' in a bar?"

"It-it was the only place to duck into." She huffed. "And that guy-" She points at the bar keep, "won't let me use the back door. Those purple robed guys kept calling me a youkai…"

I think I got a solution to the barkeep…

Drawing Tundra Bloomer, I focus on him. "Time to tuck this freakin' noob into bed, yo~!"

I focus on him, and cast Gaia Seed…!

Fwooo~…

A magic circle forms around him, and throws off his balance. He stumbles a bit, but grabs the counter.

An~d, again…!

Fwooo~...

Another green circle forms around him, as hazy magic makes a mist in the air…

Again, again!

Fwooo~...

...He's not getting sleepy?

"Enough! Enough!" He shouts at me. "You're lucky your friend up here's shelling out big bucks!"

...I tilt my head. "How're you immune to the sleep effects?"

He rolls his eyes, and takes out- is that a freakin' ankh on a piece of paper?

"Status effect immunity. Comes in real handy." With that, he stashes it away, grinning. "So don't think about blindness, either. You wouldn't believe the shit people cast on me for kicks."

Don't even know, yo. Don't even know.

…

"Can this girl use the back door?" I gesture at Sarah and said back door.

"I got so much money from you, you can do almost whatever you want. As long as ya don't smash shit, or attack me. Again."

Eheh.

...I turn to Sarah. "When ya get out, go two houses down, take a left, cross the street. There'll be this two room house with no occupants and the back door's open."

She blinks. "...O-okay. Thanks, mister."

Nuggets…

"...What's your name?" She asks me.

Darkwing Duck. "Brad."

As for Greg, I dunno who the frik that is. Oof.

Now, to rally the friends! "Everybody who's a fairy, stand up!"

All my fairy friends stand up- or try to, at least.

Koi's still smugly nuzzling her Granulated Sugar. "Wha~safazza…" She's _smashed_ , dude…

Komi's lying on the floor, kersmashed. Ha-chan's fine; I dunno if she even drank or not. Mapleweather stumbles up next to me…

"He~y…" She holds the wallet upside down, revealing it to be empty. "I blew i~t… Hehehe!"

That you did, friend.

Namori trudges over to us from her seat, looking emotionally and physically drained, for some reason.

...Koi leaps from her seat, stumbling around, before approaching me with her bag of sugar…

"Here." She lifts it over her head, and tries to smash me with it, or something.

"Friend, why." I backpedal, as it slams into the floor.

Thud. Fssssh…

That was the sugar all spilling out. I heard the barkeeper sigh in the background.

"We're not just some fairies with a table." I try to rouse their vigor. "We're goin' through with a plan!"

Slowly, I proceed towards Komi… "These guys're contriving a crime of the violentest type, so we gotta put the big shnooze on 'em, know what I'm sayin, yo!?"

Komi drunkenly looks up at me. "Aahn."

Hrm… This might take a lil' doin'...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Ha-chan is loosely holding onto Komi to make sure she stays on the table. Mapleweather's still gonna be a wheel, which is slightly worrying. They say not to drive drunk, but I'm not sure they meant 'don't drive a vehicle that has a single drunken wheel'.

I guess I'm technically driving a drunk! It's equally as dangerous, though, I'd hazard…

Our table's rocking back and forth violently as Mapleweather has a jolly old time underneath it, dancing in place and performing silly marches, hardly attempting to hold the table properly as it slightly smooshed her under its weight…

"A-and three cheers fer… Hurra~h! Waa~h!"

Mapleweather trips, dropping the front of the table. No, no, no no no…!

I slide off onto the dirt of the alley below us. Ha-chan moves out of the way of Komi, then ends up sliding onto my back. Koi ends up sliding onto _her_ back...

...Komi rests her head on my shoulder. "Y'fooh…" Alcohol breath! Waaa~l!

Mapleweather lifts the table half she's responsible for again. "Sorreh about that…"

Freakin'... "Ha-chan, I'm being squished by multiple drunks. Help…!"

Komi and Koi're far heavier than they used to be… Do fairies get heavier from all that booze? ...I noticed they don't piss it out, but I thought it normal because no one defecates on-screen.

Ha-chan complies, straining herself a little as she lifts the heavy figure of Koi back onto the table top. Then, she does the same for Komi...

…

"Me, next." I can't fly onto it, yo. Not without a prep time.

Ha-chan gladly lifts me up by my arms, and onto the tabletop.

It's not too long before we wobble-hobble our asses down across one of the main roads, and into another alley. From here, we approach the back of the guard headquarters…

"Is… is this thing powered?"

I hear the voice of the old boss man from the center of town. His voice echoes across the village.

"Good, good… I know you are all wondering about the military occupation of the village center, and the allocation of citizens to their homes…" He begins a long-winded speech. Oh boy… "Rest assured, this is the beginning of something great."

The sun was beginning to set, casting the town in a dim glow.

"We ask that you report any potential youkai to us immediately at the town square, and preferably bring them with you, as well. Our new program should allow us to reform youkai for better use to the people of this fair village."

We reach the back of the guard headquarters, where there are numerous side doors because why wouldn't there be?

Matt was at the back doors, fiddling with a locked side door, when he turned and saw my pimped out fairy-mobile.

"...What the hell…?" He gaped in awe, yo! I'm pretty sure it was awe...

I heard the freakin' funkmeister on magical loudspeaker, again. "We were going to present this change to the village at a later date, but certain… circumstances have forced our hands. Now is the time for action!"

"Hi, son!" I give him a cheeky greeting. "We came to be terrorists."

"How terrible." He remarks. "I assume you're here for similar reasons to mine?"

Daa~h… "Purple KKK?"

...Reluctantly, he nods. "Basically."

Hyonk. "How we bustin' in?"

"...Well, I was going to see if I could mess with the locks. Not that I have anything for that." He sighed. "This building unfortunately has very few windows, as well. I just got here, you know."

I shrug. "I could just break the door down."

He furrows his brows. "Yeah, very stealthy."

Freakin'... I hate planning sometimes, yo…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 39

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY:

Youkai Inconveniencer - Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

Holy Talismans - Provides a holy upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

Electric Talismans - Provides an electric upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out…

A Wiffle Duster - For shoving up people's rectums.

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

HEEYYYAAAAH how's it goin' fellas

so~ this big shebang be in the works!

time to finally tie up some LOOSE ENDS with the whole KEINE SITUATION, and make the villagers a little more intimidating than just GENERAL ASSHOLERY

fairy mania, yo

hubba bubba

also i checked around; forest mix is DEFINITELY my jam, even if i could never do the insane amount of synonyms that guy does per update; then again, THP posts are comparatively a bit shorter than these 10 k JUNKFOODMANIA CHAPTERS

also yeah i've read one of Keymaster's works, Being Meiling; that episodic nature was genius, and i'm considering such an approach for future fanfics as it seems really open to fooling around with good moments; the nature of this work, since it follows me or someone else chronologically at every waking moment, is that sometimes you might get sorta BORING PERIODS where ai'm just DOING BUSYWORK or MOVING FROM PLACE TO PLACE, whereas episodic things skip straight to the good parts

i'm still PONDERING IT, THOUGH… grass is always greener, as they say...

that reminds me, i need to read more of Keymaster's stuff; typing about it made me remember he wrote more than Being Meiling, so i should definitely check that out

also yeah sakuya's knives use the names of the caster heartless for funsies . w .

as always, see you all next time!


	48. Edgeman Fluffmoney

(in which we smooth up some edges)

Matt comes back from his outdoor casing, approaching the backside of the guard headquarters again. "The only windows are in the front, apparently. If there are any others, they're virtually unreachable by ordinary means."

I mean, we _could_ fly…

"...I never was good at lockpicking." Matt reflects, jiggling one of the door knobs of the back doors.

You'd think they'd've left some doors open…

"We- we could _grease_ 'em…" Komi slurs.

"Hell yeah!" Koi suddenly blares. "I wanna shlide them knobsh up my _ass!_ "

…

"I fear for our safety." Matt deadpans.

Hmmm… I'm pretty sure the front door's a bad idea. Somethin' just gives me that hunch… mainly it being the front door.

"Wish we had some intercoms, yo." I reflect.

"I'd rather not." Matt monotones. "Your incessant chatter would make me go insane."

That's the _point!_

He looks up at the square ledges of the building… "Do you think there'd be anything to latch onto, up there?"

Daa~h… "Maybe. But…"

I turn to Ha-chan, who was eagerly smiling behind me.

I gesture to her. "She's cuddly, dude."

"Quite. And most likely braindead as well." He blankly stares at Ha-chan.

"Ha-chan, do some scoutin' for us!" I make my enthusiastic request!

Ha-chan salutes. "Aye aye, Brad-kun!"

...Matt stares at me vainly. " _Brad-kun._ "

I nod smugly. "Brad-kun."

Ha-chan floats up, looking over the ledge above…

…

Oh, yeah. "Tell us what's up there!" I hush-yell to her. Probably just yelled, all things considered…

"Uh… Things!" Ha-chan elaborates.

Ha-chan, if I couldn't see your panties right now, I might've been disgruntled by that. "What _kinda_ things!?"

"Well, there's a table…" She began listing things. "A door… some windows… Oo~h!" She floats over onto the ledge.

Yo! "Come back, friend, come back!"

Matt facepalms. "If this goes wrong, I blame you."

Fair enough!

Ha-chan comes back, holding some flowers. "Lookit…"

She floats down to me, and holds them. They're some blue flower…

…

"I see." I bathe in the presence of the flowers.

Ha-chan pumps a fist into the air, stoked. "They're so pretty…!"

"That's very nice," Matt addresses her, "however, I did not come here to simply look at some stupid flowers."

Hyonk.

Looking up at the ledge, he tries to judge something… "Where exactly is that table?" He inquires. "I might be able to make use of it."

Ha-chan lifts her arms. "Up."

"...Great." He sighs.

I have a way to navigate! "Ha-chan, carry me up, friend."

Ha-chan grabs my waist, and lifts me, floating up to the upper platform…

On the upper level, the table is concealed behind much of the platform. It was pretty much, like, six feet from the ledge. It was a tiny coffee table, too.

"...Well, seems like my structural reconnaissance was pointless." Matt complains.

I lean over the ledge. "Pick a fairy, friend."

Komi preemptively walks up to the wall, and into it. Then, she tries to fly, slowly floating upward, before making a U-turn in the air, doing a backflip, and faceplanting.

"'Cept that fairy." I amend. "She's drunk."

He eyes the fairies… "I'm sure most of them are drunk."

"Hic!" Koi hiccups.

"Hea…" Mapleweather opens her wallet, thumbing through nothing. "O-oh…"

Namori makes herself scarce, hunching over to appear smaller…

He takes a moment to ponder...

"You there." He points at Namori. "Are you drunk?"

"I-I…" She fidgets. "...Ye-yes?"

"Trick question." He steps towards her. "You should carry me."

Namori looks concerned. S'not necessarily a new look, either…! "A-ah…"

"I'd rather be flown by a plane that doesn't wanna leave the airport, than one filled with terrorists that might fly into the world trade center." Matt makes the obligatory nine-eleven reference.

Freakin'... "Get up here, you clowns."

Mapleweather flies up.

Straight up.

...Well. She'll come back, eventually. I think.

Koi does some kind of shoryuken-imitation jump, proceeding to fall back down towards the platform…

Thud.

"Aaa~yyhh…"

Komi darts off the floor, spirals through the air, and eventually-

Bam!

...She made it _above_ the platform, at least.

...Peeling off the wall, Komi stumbled back, and proceeded to fall off the platform, landing next to Matt and Namori.

Matt stares at Namori. "Well. Now it's only you left, anyway."

...Reluctantly, Namori slowly floats up, lifting Matt by his under arms. Slowly, carefully, she inches through the air towards the platform.

…

Matt begins to look around idly.

…

He yawns.

…

Eventually, she reaches the platform, and he breaks from her himself. "Great. Now…" He looks at the door. "I suppose there's only one option here."

Komi raises herself off the floor. "Fuahk it! I-I'm goin' 'round…"

 _There's_ our distraction.

I move towards the door, gesturing for everyone else to follow. Matt moves with me, while the fairy friends follow behind…

Thud.

Mapleweather slammed into the roof- the very top roof, above the platform we were on.

"I suggest we take this slowly." Matt recommends, before glancing at the nearby windows. "We know not what's behind that door."

"Freakin' _noobs!_ " I declare. I turn the handle-

Oh. They locked it. For some reason.

...I turn to Matt. "I dunno, son. We might need _bombs._ "

Smirking, he proceeds towards the window. "I don't think that would help."

I look in the other window, seeing the room empty. I try to slide open the window, only to find it's not locked, but it's freakin' stuck!

There's only one way to do this, then…

I take Swift Brand, and brutalize the window!

Shatter!

Matt cringes violently. "What the hell…?"

"Everyone, crouch…!" I instruct everyone in a hushed tone!

Matt, Namori, and myself all did so. Koi just fell over.

Thud.

…

"What the hell was that?" I hear a guard enter the room. "Oh, damn it all… Someone tell Paul the damned kids broke the window again!"

"What? Again?" A different guard groaned. "Look, we're kinda busy, here. We'll-we'll send a janitor when we got one. They're all kinda busy with the square occupation."

"Oh, right." The guard sighs. "...Guess I'll just leave this, then."

...I hear him walk away.

...I stand back up, and move to climb through the window. "You guys wait here. I'll unlock the door."

Matt furrows his brows. "And how will you do that?"

Pffft. Yo… "Everyone knows doors are unlocked when they'd be completely inconvenient to go through, yo. That's like, door design one-oh-one." Too many times in video games have the unlocked doors been the locked doors I explicitly went _around_.

Luckily, the window was right next to the door. The bad part was that it was a rather tiny window…!

...I use Swift Brand to clear a little glass in the way, and then I ready to run in… "Wish me luck, yo…!"

Wait. Jumping…

Hmm.

I run, and leap through the window. I attempt to jump again as I fly through, but it doesn't work.

Thud. Guh… carpet. The uncomfy kind of carpet! The bristly kind that gives you rashes.

I stand from the bristly carpet, and look around the room…

Tables, and candles. Some empty plates. What is this room…? Freakin' lobby or something.

Turning to the door, I go to jiggle the handle…

Ah. So it's locked on _both_ sides. The madmen.

…

I move to the other window, and try to slide it open. It's also freakin' stuck.

...I look around the room. There're a few open doors nearby, and they just lead to halls. This place is pretty open-ended…

…I open a door that's suspiciously close to the room, and find a closet! Yea~h!

Leaving the closet open, I take out Tundra Bloomer…

Maybe I should warn the friends…

Navigating to the broken window, I peek my head out. "Yo."

"The door is still locked." Matt observes.

"You may wanna duck outta the way again." I tell them. Where the frik did Ha-chan go…?

Someone taps on my shoulder. I tense up, but I know who it is…

...I turn to face Ha-chan. "Where'd _you_ come from?"

She just smiles.

...Alright. Buffing myself, I abruptly inflict violence on the door.

Bam!

Quickly! Break!

Bam!

The door opens slowly, vibrating. Adrenaline rushes into me as I grab Ha-chan, and bolt for the closet I left open.

I push her in, and follow behind her.

Hiding inside, I leave it cracked…

…

"Okay, what the _fuck_ was that!?" A man in purple robes passes by the closet, a regularly dressed guard behind him.

"I dunno, dude. Shit's spooky." The normal guard states his opinion.

...Cautiously, I edge out from the closet, watching them...

For whatever reason, Ha-chan tries to leap onto my back. What the frik…!?

"...It's just open?" The robed man pushes it open and steps outside…

I stumble from the closet, Ha-chan hanging onto me like a freakin' monkey. I near the properly dressed guard…

He turns to me. "Wha- dude-!"

Bam! Shit's _spooky_ , son!

I clothesline him with Tundra Bloomer, and as he falls, I hit him once more for good measure.

Thwack.

...I think that's uh, a knock out.

The edgy darkness mage has paused at the door. He seems to have spotted Koi, considering what action to take…

...Matt peeks around the door, and then decides to use it.

The mage spots him. "Hey-"

Wham! Y'gonna get _spooked_ , son!

I step out of the way as the mage stumbles back inside. Once he's on the floor, I make sure he's actually asleep by casting Gaia Seed…

Fwooo~...

The earthy, green circle forms around him, and lightly rocks him, lulling him to sleep.

"Night night, noo~b…" Hyonk.

...Also, freakin'... "Ha-chan, can ya get off my back?" It's not unwelcomed, it's just unwelcomed in this context!

Matt struts inside, Namori following him. I assume Koi's just gonna chill out, out there…

"Simply elegant." The sarcasm! It sti~ngs!

...I look down at the guards. "What the frik're we gonna do wit' 'em?"

"Become one with them." Matt jests.

…That's it! "Du~de…" I nod my head exaggeratedly, and begin taking off my suspenders…

Matt watches me. "...If that's what you're into, sure."

Freakin' homoerotic undertones! "Son, no. We're gonna become them, like, dude." I have a pun, but I'm going to save it!

"...I still don't have that sort of orientation." Matt continues.

Ha-chan cheers. "We _are_ playing birthday tag!"

"...However, I think I'll be taking those robes for now." Matt decides, crouching with me as we plunder the clothing.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

That took too long!

Next to me stood Ha-chan, now clad in only a bra and panties, holding the guard's sword. Yeah, I couldn't stop her. "...You guys got dressed up, again…" She pouted.

I was now clad in generic guard gear. "I am the _cob chameleon man!_ "

…

"Oink! Sting bath!" I move to pinch Matt...

Matt now had the edgy robes on! Ho ho! "It seems I've officially joined the edge-federation now, for whatever reason." He examines his new wardrobe, seemingly unsure how to exactly take it...

He also had the staff thing, but I don't think any of us could use it.

I succeed! "Ouch!" He flails his arm at me, before punching my side.

"Hahaha!" I get a good chuckle!

Namori stood in the corner of the room the entire time, blushing furiously…

Wait. Nearly naked Ha-chan, sheepish Namori, and the two of us look like guards…

We've got the _perfect_ cover story!

"Come along, friends." I gesture to my three allies! "Ha-chan, Namori, act natural. We're playing pretend captives."

Ha-chan's eyes lit up. "Ooo~h…!"

Namori let out a shaky sigh.

"Sounds like totally unnecessary fun." Matt agrees with these terms.

Alright… let the indoor investimagations begin!

We pass by the closet, which we had sloppily stuffed the two guards into.

…

After a moment of wandering through empty, dim halls, we eventually come to a lobby room that spanned two floors.

Two robed friks look at our party as we walk in, before laughing their asses off. "Wha- aahahahaha~!"

"Wh-what the fuck…?" The other guy shook his head, grinning widely. "I'm not sure if Paul'd agree with that, but fuck it, man…!"

Matt nods. "Bringing them to the sex dungeon, as it were."

"Pffft-ahahahaha~!" The first guy's gonna have a freakin' hernia!

"Se-sex dungeon!?" The second guard was incredulous. "Tha-that's a pretty… pretty fuckin' apt name for it! Hahahah…"

Wait, what? Yo ho ho…!

"Wh-why's she got your bloody sword…?" The second guard points at Ha-chan, who does indeed have the guard sword still.

I shrug. "Why _wouldn't_ I give her my bloody sword, yo?"

"Pffft-aaaa~h!" The first guard has orgasmed.

Matt shrugs. "Makes it more interesting, making her think she has a chance against us."

The second robed hooligan stood up. "Ma~n, you guys are a riot… Name's Hideki."

I nod. "I a~m… Hiroshiroshoosawoosa."

It elicits a light chuckle. Daw...

"Lucif-" Matt cuts himself off. "Asura Daichi."

He gets some curious, half-amused stares. That kinda stare that's like 'I think he was joking but uh it wasn't funny I don't know how to take this'.

Can't win 'em all, yo…

"Hey- wanna come with us to the sex dungeon?" I offer. "We'll let you lead the wa~y…!"

Hideki shakes his head. "Nah, man. Sorry, just real tired, you know? Had a long da~y… you know."

As in, he's blowing us off. Freakin'... "Alright, yo. We'll just do the things."

With that, we begin moving down the stairs. Matt gives me a questioning glance as we move down them…

"I got's stuffs to do down there." I inform him. "Also, sex dungeon."

He snorts. "It's likely not a _real_ sex dungeon, just _called_ a sex dungeon- by us."

I shrug. " _And?_ Yo ho ho…"

Keine's probably trapped there, if anywhere.

As we go down, I realize we're in the area behind the front desks. Here, we see a guard hard at work, writing on a piece of paper with a freakin' quill pen.

He doesn't notice us as we pass him… at first. Then, he freezes, looking up.

"...Hi." I wave at him.

"I-I heard a noise…" He gets up from his chair, and begins doing this like, light jog towards the stairs.

Uuh…?

"...Hang here for a second." I tell Matt and the fairy friks. "I wanna see where that guy goes."

"Uh-huh. Enjoy yourself." He begins to examine the paper the guy was writing…

I casually walk after the guy who was lightly jogging. My walk was as fast as his freakin' jog.

He traced the exact path me and my party took, arriving at the closet door, and promptly staring straight at it. He walked right up to it, and just stared into it.

…

"...Hi?" I try again.

He turns to me. "Oh, hello."

Then, he turns away, and starts walking towards the door I busted open. He leaves, and notices the unconscious Koi.

"It's a youkai…!" He grimaces, and reaches into his guard outfit, pulling out an _entire_ bow. He proceeded to do a combat roll, nearing the edge of the deck.

"You've made your _last_ mistake!" He aimed his bow, drew an arrow, and fired it. It flew straight over the form of Koi. It would've been an accurate shot were she standing up, but uh…

He glanced at me, eyes wide. "Give me cover!"

He ran to the other side of the deck, and drew his bow again. Once again, he aimed clearly above her unconscious form, firing over her. The arrow stuck in the wall.

"Damn it- somebody _hit her!_ " He reached into his quiver, finding his arrow stuck. "Ack- stupid quiver…!"

...I walked up to him, and pushed him off the side of the platform.

He wobbled unsteadily. " _Nooo~!_ "

...He slowly flopped to the floor below, and upon landing, he rolled over, adjusted himself into a comfortable position, and then stopped, refusing to get back up.

…

Sure.

I make my way back to Matt, giving the guards I pass quick hellos.

Or, at least, I try to. A certain someone was there, looming over the two guards…

" _Why_ are you wearing robes?"

Meira's arms were at her hips. I couldn't see her face, but she sounded pissed.

"U-uhm…" Hideki pressed two fingers together. "I-I- we were hitting the showers! We just got out, y'know… Hard day."

"Re-reaa~l hard." His friend supportively adds.

"The showers are on the lower floor." Meira tries to one-up them.

Hideki rolls his eyes. "What, we can't just go straight upstairs? This area ain't exactly public, you know."

...Meira huffs. "We'll do this the hard way, then. Why is there a mass of guards in _bath robes_ at the village square?"

…

"Pool party?" Hideki shrugs sheepishly.

…

Meira grabs both of their shoulders, and begins dragging them away.

"What- you can't!" Hideki flails his limbs. He notices me, and calls for help. "Y-you! Whatever the hell your name was, help!"

...I just begin walking away. Meira turns to look back at me, but I don't make eye contact, hurrying away. She seems to ignore me.

...

I eventually reach Matt, and notice he's taken Ha-chan's sword. Ha-chan was pouting.

...He receives a judgmental stare from me.

"The only reason we haven't been-" He looks around, noticing some guards nearby. "-fired is because those last few guys were complete imbeciles."

...Ha-chan attempts to steal it back, but Matt pushes her away. "No."

...Nearby guards nod approvingly, continuing their desk work.

Well, it helps our case, so I guess I'm fine with that, for now!

Let's try this the easy way…

I rap my fingers on a guard person's desk. "Yo, buddy."

He looks up at me.

"I'm new around here, and this robe guy-" I point to Matt, "he's kinda insisting I demonstrate to him I know where it is- the dungeon, I mean… and I don't. Know where the dungeon is, I mean." Wow, I fucked the grammar of that sentence! "He thinks I'm askin' you 'bout a girl- help!"

...The guard just raises an eyebrow. "...Alright. I'm busy. But, I'll tell you what."

He stands up. "I want a new desk. The big kind, the bamboo you only see from the woods…"

Uhh…

"I want a new pen! From the feathers of tengu!"

You're kinda pushin' it there, buddy…

"I want a sake dish, the kind the oni drink from!"

Slightly frustrated, I grin at him. "Yeah, I want a lotta things, too, pal!"

He rolls his eyes. "Yeah, fuck you."

Pffft.

With that, he sits back down.

...I look to the guy next to him, and the guard there smiles at me awkwardly.

I hold up my arms. "Y'gonna help me, or not?"

"Yeah, sure…" He stands up, and begins moving deeper into the headquarters. Matt and I move behind him, the fairies trailing behind us.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ===

We probably coulda found it just by dicking around, but this saves time!

It's the very obviously basement-y grey stairwell, that leads down to an immensely subtle door with one of those little barred windows. Just incase you freakin' condense yourself to brick size and climb out the freakin' door.

Two tall robed fellows stood, perpetual frowns on their faces because that's how dark mages work. I'm sure it's some story like 'my wife got accidentally'd by youkai oh god', but at the end of the day it's the same format…

"..." They stared at us with narrowed eyes. "We… have not seen you around here, before…"

I shrug. "First time doin' the runs, y'know? I got some freakin' fairies here, for ya, yo." I gesture to Ha-chan and Namori. "They're cuddly, and gentle enough for everyday use."

"I don't mean you." The tall robed frik spoke. "I meant… _him_."

He points at Matt.

Matt takes a moment to reply. "...You wouldn't have seen me. Under most circumstances, I only work counter-intelligence… but it seems we have some spies." He gestures to the fairies.

Ha-chan makes a convincing spy, I'm sure…

The mage scowls. "...Youkai are incapable of such actions. Those who can take information, will. There is no need for lesser beings in the hierarchy of youkai, except when it comes to combat."

Matt smirks back. "And how would you know that?"

Taken aback, the mage blinks. "...You insolent _fool._ "

We've pissed off the mages in high heels!

Uneven footsteps are heard on the stairs. I turn, and see Komi precariously stepping down the stairway…

"I-I found my wa~y…" She slurs, eyes uneven.

...I hear a gaggle of guards clutter up at the top of the stairs, and a few begin to cautiously move down, making great effort not to fall down on one another.

"It's a spy!"

"Ho~ley moley!"

"Someone _hit her_ …"

Whelp…!

...Matt points back at the fairy, and grins. "See? Spies are among us, gentlemen… and those spies are not one of us."

The one Matt addressed seems a little too pissed to reason with, but his friend moves to calm him down. "Now Bartholomew,-"

 _Bartholomew_.

"-Defense Council Leader Chikamatsu tends to withhold many details of his motives, and it is not our place to question him. I am of firm belief that we do indeed have a counter-intelligence division." The silent mage spoke, offering his opinion.

...You're only sayin' that 'cause Komi came barging down the stairs.

...The guards were quickly coming down the stairs with bows!

"So, you gonna open up?" I grin.

The angry mage eyes me suspiciously, but nods. "Very well. Do hurry."

I double back and grab Komi, and push her into Namori, guiding the two into the dreary room ahead as it opened. Matt and Ha-chan followed behind me, and the door swung shut behind us.

…

"The spy was sent in there!"

"He's _hiding_ her!"

Bartholomew rose a brow at the guards. "She was sent to solitary confinement."

"He must be a _terrorist!_ "

"Hmm? What foolishness is this?" Bartholomew rose his voice.

The other mage spoke up, too. "Lower your arrow!"

Uh oh. There's gonna be some ass blastin' goin' on out there!

...Matt turned to me. "For what reason did we come down here?"

"We're freein' Keine, yo." I finally reveal the intent to him!

...He glares at me.

I shrug. "There's _probably_ some occult shit down here, too. Besides, you got some sweet new duds out of it!" I mean, it's a little edgy around the… edges…

"...Fair enough." He begrudgingly agreed.

"Ba-Bartholomew!" The mage from earlier called out. "...You damned _imbeciles!_ "

Fwoo~m!

"Huuaaa~gh!"

Matt laughed out loud. "Pffft…"

"Oh- oh gods! Come to your senses! I didn't- Huwooaaa~h!" That marks the end of the other mage.

Ha-chan turned to me, looking sad in the same way one looks sad after someone kicked a puppy. "I think they're hurt."

You _think_. Well.

Matt rolled his eyes. "They'll get better, maybe. Don't worry- or care, for that matter."

Further guard-associated hooliganry was audible.

"Where's the _damn_ keys?"

"Take them down, now, men!" An arrow panged against the metal door.

These guards are fookin' _weird_ , dude.

Namori crouched. "Wh-why are we down here…!?"

Komi propped her hands on her hips. "Buncha _cunts_ 're what they're…"

"Everyone, follow me!" I begin to lead us deeper. I turn back and- g'dimmit. "I said _follow_ me, you twats!"

Namori and Komi snap their attention to me, and begin following.

Komi doesn't like my sass. " _Do~n't_ you call _me_ … a twat. Fuckface."

As we continue down the hall, we make it to a left turn. Upon taking that left turn…

Yo.

The dark hallway was illuminated by the dim glow of panels from the machines ahead. Metal seats sat on metal hexagons, and clear, plastic tubes hung from the chairs, and the ceiling over them. All of the screens were touchscreen pads that simply said 'INACTIVE', in big, bold, illuminant text.

...On closer inspection, the software was version one point seven!

Most of these inactive machines were empty, but there was one halfway through the room that caught my eye…

Keine has been _located!_ A~nd she's asleep.

She sat in the chair, eyes shut. It seems she had some sort of silver and red robe draped on her, and a big funny hat. It was even bigger and funnier than her last one.

Tubes ran up inside the robes, attached all over her body. Only one was being used, a purple liquid running through it…

I looked at the illuminant pad.

'INACTIVE; Anesthetic: On, Faith: Off, Fear: Off, CySys: Off*, StasisBeta: Off*'.

The lower, smaller text read 'Some features restricted by Administrator. Contact Administrator for details'.

...Well, to start with, I'm just gonna turn anesthetic to 'off'...

I press the button to turn it off.

The tube with purple liquid stops pumping, the liquid running back up the tube.

Keine's still out of it, though…

I begin plucking tubes from her, while the fairies take a closer look at the panel…

"Fa-faith…?" Namori presses the button for 'faith'.

One of the tubes starts pumping a yellow liquid into Keine, and I tear it out. "Freakin'... we're not tryin'a turn her into Zeus, teacher of children!"

Namori cringes back.

Komi grins. "Fea~r…"

...A luminescent, light blue energy travels through one of the tubes into Keine. As it travels into her, she begins to glow…

Uuu~h… I'm not sure whether to rip the cord, or let it go…!

...After a moment, her hair begins to grow a pale green, and she begins sprouting horns…

Oh, no, fuck that. Nope, nope, nope.

I pull the cord, and the energy travels out of the tube like it was a flashlight. Freakin' weird…

I shine it at Komi…

…

"Wh-wha…?" She looks at her hands. "So-so much power... "

...Then, she groans. "I'm not drunk anymore! Damn it!"

I shine it at Matt. He shields his eyes.

...I shine it in my own eyes, blinding myself. Oof. Don't work for humans, it seems…

Most of the tubes were out.

"Cy~Sys! Hi~, Sis!" Ha-chan presses the CySys button.

A prompt comes up, and she furrows her brows. "...Su-sub...ject. Subject! Will… die. Confirm."

Wait, yo, woah no! I swat Ha-chan's hand away. "We ain't tryin'a fookin' _execute_ her ass! No electric chair all up in this shit!"

Well, with shit like that, I'm gonna hurry the fuck up! I begin tearing out tubes by sweeping my arms across, removing most of them in singular fell swoops.

Matt walks up and presses the confirm button.

"Freakin'- yo yo yo!" I begin feverishly plucking the remaining tubes…

...Fortunately, the tube activated was already plucked. A bright cyan serum pours out onto the ground, mixing with the anesthetic. The fear turned into light, and the faith seemed to evaporate outside the tube…

...I grin at Matt. "Son…!"

He snorts and shrugs.

Bam! The door down the hall flies open.

"Can I take one of these machines with me?" Matt asks me.

"If you can freakin' carry it!" I'm pretty sure it wouldn't even fit in my sack. It also seems mounted to the floor and ceiling…

Keine's eyes blink open. Her horns receded, and her hair changed color back to blue. If she's awake, then maybe she can-

"Awaa~h…" Keine's mouth hangs open, eyes blinking closed again.

...Guess that anesthetic didn't wear off, huh?

The guards start rounding the corner!

Matt sighs. "I'll be using you all as meat shields, by the way."

I hold up a finger. "I got a plan, yo!"

Brandishing Flame Salvo, I begin spewing flames at the guards.

Fwoo~m!

...Well, not necessarily at the guards. I begin burning the machines in between us, and making sure there's enough threat of being burned that stood between us and them. The guards backed up, holding their bows and swords close, once again taking great care not to bowl one another over.

Alright, now… I got behind Keine. "Komi, Ha-chan, hold her arms up…"

It is time to do this too-spooky style!

Matt folds his arms. "I fail to see what is being accomplished here."

I point at him. "I need you to pretend to be a guard who gets slain by Keine."

...He furrows his brows. " _You're_ the one in the actual generic guard costume."

...Balls.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

As the fire faded, the guards readied to advance…

"Yeah, lemme get those fairies! Lemme at 'em, lemme at 'em!" An unarmed guard danced in place, punching at the air.

As the fire faded, the figure of Keine Kamishirasawa stood at the other side, arms outstretched, being held up by 'admiring' fairies. At her feet was a guard, gasping for air, who fell forward, his helmet rolling off.

Keine's open, uneven eyes looked around the room…

Namori, who was floating behind Matt, who himself was holding Keine up for the most part, spoke. "See~ this, huma~ns…"

The guards paused, holding their assorted weapons ready…

"Powers beyo~nd the comprehension of fle~sh…" Namori continued, in her edgiest voice possible. "Ha~ve been set in motio~n…"

The guards considered her words, and backed up…

"Holy shit, is that Keine...?"

"Hot diggity dog! Keine's pissed…!"

"She-she's talking like Paul, dude…"

Paul _would_.

...To be honest, I dunno where to take it, from here. They're awed and stuff, Keine's asleep, and all of my people are essentially right behind me. I mean, between the fairy's danmaku, and my plant hanger based warfare, I probably could kill the majority of these guards, but uh… I didn't come here to kill a majority of these guards!

They start inching closer, as Namori continues…

"The-the... " She's run out of dialogue! Aaauugh!

…

A sphere of darkness expands downwards, forcing some guards to stumble about unevenly. A few cough awkwardly.

…

Things have gotten batshit insane quiet, but you can hear the sounds of the guards existing. The subtle clinks of their armor as they breathe… the general white noise people existing produce. Yeah, I don't think this 'terrifying them' thing is workin' out, so well!

I stand up, giving the guards the best pissed glare I can muster. I try to make my voice low and powerful, as opposed to sorta medium and casual. "I-I have been revived!"

...Wow. More like 'shaky and awkward'. I need to practice talking deeper...

The guards all gasp, holding their blades out towards me…

Yo, no! "...As a zombie!"

...No reaction. Guess, uh… zombies aren't big, here.

"...A youkai zombie!" I widen my eyes!

...Oh. They look pissed, instead…!

Awkwardly, I gesture to Keine. "Hordes of swordsmen run, when she shoots her…" First thing that comes to mind, first thing that comes to _fucking_ mind…! "Duck billed… laser gun!"

...

Yeah, uh, they're not buying it.

...I throw myself at Keine's electric torture chair thing, and take the 'fear' tube, shining the light at the guardsmen.

"I-I can't see!"

"Oh-oh, crap, man…!"

"Use your arms, men!"

The sounds of clanking and falling over become dominant.

"St-stop using your arms, men!"

…I shine it at Keine while they fidget and flail about. She begins glowing again…

Fuck that, takes too long. I move to Keine's side, and target Ha-chan instead.

"Here, friend."

Ha-chan smiles gingerly as she begins glowing…

The guards eventually shake off the light, and begin rushing us!

"Do something, friend!" I push Ha-chan towards them, still shining the light on her.

Ha-chan stops a foot from me, and holds up her hand…

Sparks of electricity run between her fingers. Electricity runs up her arms, between her legs, and down her hair. It's not long before she becomes bright, shining and luminescent. She could light up a freakin' room with how bright she was getting.

I had to look away. My eyes coulda gotten sacked if I stared for too long; _that's_ how bright she was getting.

The guards attempt to awkwardly go around her, noticing she's essentially a freakin' live wire.

"...Who wants to play birthday tag!?" She yells out. Her voice came out as if multiple people were speaking at once, like that cheesy special effect to make people sound burly.

...The guards ignore her, still trying to cautiously, clumsily maneuver around her, partially blinded.

Ha-chan pouts, her form flickering "Hey, you!"

She reaches out for a guard-

KABOOM

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...

 _Ouch._

Everything around me was dark. Am I dead…?

I reach for my arm, and pinch it.

...I'm a little numb, but I still felt it! I think that's how you check for being dead, anyway.

By a 'little' numb I mean I've almost lost feeling in my everythings. Almost! The fact the feeling's not totally gone means it'll come back! I think.

Reaching for my sack, I find it, and draw Youkai Inconveniencer.

I power the flashlight, and pan it around…

I'm still in the basement, apparently. Panning the light around, I look for friends…

...I round the corner, and see Matt at where the exit should be, his arms folded.

He looks up at me. "Ghh… Stop. Don't point that at me."

It seems Ha-chan and the other fairies aren't around anymore. The guards are…

I look around the floor…

…

Let's just say they're _extra_ crispy. Unrecognizable, charred lumps of metal and carbon. Wow. They're… dead, aren't they?

...

...Oh, hey, there's Keine! Black as soot, but she's okay otherwise. I think.

...I look down at my guard armor. Instead of a charred black, something weird happened to the metal that made it look kinda like popcorn…

I knock on it with my hand, and it breaks off. The armor, that is…!

Darn. I was startin' to get hype for my first actual combat armor…

Time to point the light at Matt, again!

"What did I _just_ tell you?"

His robes are mostly fine… except for a few lines of frayed, black bits. I assume he's fine 'cause of hiding behind Keine the entire time.

Hmm… "How long was I out?" I try to find out.

"Minutes, at best." He shrugs casually.

Huh. "What happened?"

"Kaboom." He doesn't leave out a single detail, huh?

Even so, "Son."

"I'm pretty sure you saw and felt what happened." Matt, please.

...I did, though. Bright flash, mind-numbing numbness, and then I was like 'ouch.'

Something electricity related, I'm sure. Ha-chan's electric, yo. She's got the touch! She's got the power!

...How the hell're we gonna get out of here?

I walk up to the stairs, but unfortunately, it appears there is wood in the way. Lots of wood.

"Trapped forever." Matt declared. "Rest in pieces."

Woah no.

...I move back to Keine. The kinky torture chairs are all dead, so that means no lightspeed recovery magic thing for Keine.

Also, I have to stop shining this freakin' light on her. Probably slows her recovery.

…

"This is gonna be a lo~ng wait time." I reflect.

Matt agrees. "Good night."

I gots an idea! Moving up to Matt, I stomp the floor in front of him rapidly.

...He blinks. "Did the electricity fry your brain?"

"We must make _all_ the noise!" I declare! "Aaaa~h!"

Taking out Tundra Bloomer, I began banging the stone wall with it.

Clink!

Freakin'...

I buff myself, and try again…

Thunk.

Oh, wow. Great. Gonna make onis turn their heads with a swing like that, I'm sure.

...Thunk.

"...Have fun with that." Matt declines joining me, flopping down onto the floor instead.

...I'd ask for Yukari, but she'd probably just give me a timebomb instead. Freakin'...

I pull out my 3DS. This is what it's good for, yo…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Freakin', so that's why Diddy Kong is so high tier…" I mutter, staring at the dim screen of my 3DS, jerking it around. I sat next to Matt, playing freakin' Smash four. Not so easy, when you're like, half-paralyzed from the neck down, but what can ya do?

...Which sounds like a very violent game of Connect Four, now that I think about it.

"Why don't you try Jigglypuff instead? That might help." Matt suggests.

I turn to him, looking back and forth between my 3DS and him. "Dude- like… she's fluffy." I sigh. "I don't know, dude…"

...Matt moves to strangle me, and I jam my hand into his face. "Son, no!"

"...I believe executing a proper string of 'aerial dodges' and 'spot dodges' in combination with proper strategic control and timing would have increased your chances of victory."

…

Matt and I stop abusing each other, and I turn to my left.

"...Hi Keine." I greet her.

"...Hello." She looks at me. "...I have no idea what's going on. This is a nice break from things, though."

...I guess so!

"...Aside from the dead people." Her face becomes bitter.

"He blew us up, and now we have to wait for assistance because of his mental incompetence." Matt belittles me, yo. "Help."

Keine didn't comment, looking around. "...Where are we?"

"Sex dungeon under the guard headquarters, in the human village." Ho ho! "The place blew up, and we're trapped."

…

"...Oh." Keine nods. "...I'm… not sure what to make of that."

…"Sex dungeon!?" _Then_ it hit her!

I shrug. "Oh, just, y'know. Dubious chair machines, wit' tubes. Y'know."

"That inject various suspicious fluids into your body." Matt contributes.

Keine looked down at her mostly black robe… "Wh-what... happened…?"

"Pain." I summarize. "Them guard people wanted to make you some like, Anti-Hakurei Unit or some shit." I think back to that stuff he said to Youmu and I…

Keine's eyes widened in alarm. "So the rumors…!" She stood up. "I can't let them go through with that!"

Uhh… "Yeah, just… just a little too late on that, buddy. I dunno, yer just like, a _little_ too late."

...She stares at me blankly.

"All the machine things that I assume were for the anti-hickey doohickies went kaboom." I spell it out for her.

"Oh…" She looked down at her hands. "What… what were they putting into me?"

"Sleep medicine." I summarized.

"Cyanide." Matt embellished.

...She gave him a dry glance.

Wait… "Keine, you're a youkai, yeah?"

Keine's face hardens. "...No."

Haha. "Can you mine out of the rubble at the stairs? So we can freakin' get the hell outta here and shieut?"

"...You imply that I am a youkai." Keine, please.

"Alright, yo. Were-hakufrakutakuwhachamacallit. Ya eat the internet browsing history of everybody who looks up pornographic material without using private browsers!"

…

It is now a staring contest. "Please, friend."

Matt speaks up. "Enclosed spaces happen to have limited oxygen and a lot of carbon dioxide, just so you know."

I hold up my hands. "Dude, y'gonna _suffomacate_ me just 'cause ya got a dirty secret? I mean, look yo, I got some too." I reach into my sack, and pull out a fluffle. "See?"

...Matt takes it off my hands, and gingerly twists its head, removing it from its torso. The fluffle then becomes dust.

"...Daw." Friend, why.

"I refuse to be stuck in the same room as something like that." Matt publicly denounces the fluffle.

Keine furrows her brows. "...Were you behind that robot, then?"

Wat.

She notices my surprised look. "...The large one, that invaded the village a few days ago."

…

Holy _shit_.

"...Dude- look, just get us outta here." I stand up. "We'll stop by the shrine, and freakin' sit on some Gin 'n' Tonic, yo."

"...Right." Keine turns away from me, moving towards the stairway. Matt gets up, and we follow along behind her. We keep a cautious distance, though.

"By that, I mean, we'll fill you in on like, the _month_ you missed." I ensure her. I also get up, and go look for that helmet, if it wasn't turned to popcorn, either...

Keine walks up to the rubble, and begins pulling at it. She makes it looks easy, tearing chunks of wood off and casting them down the stairs like nothing.

Ah, here's my helmet! Black as coal, now. I'd take the armor of other guards, but uh… I think they're like, melded with their torsos, now.

"Hrrgh…" She struggles to rip off a particularly stubborn chunk, where the wood hung on by a web of strands.

...This might take awhile, depending on how fast this goes! Matt and I watch Keine make her progress upward…

===== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Bam!

Keine punched the final sheet of wood out of the way, light pouring into the jagged tunnel. Matt and I precariously followed behind, taking care not to get too cut up by the wood and other jagged materials…

Keine's arms were bloody, and her forehead bruised, as it had seen use more than once against tough sections of wreckage…

On the outside, I was able to observe multiple things as I climbed from the rubble…

It was night. Villagers were at the base of the wood mess, working to clear it out.

Aya was floating overhead, snapping pictures. Particularly, pictures of _us_.

I had a helmet on, Matt had his edgy hood up, and Keine had a giant cultist hat thing. I don't _think_ anyone should recognize us…

Freakin' bird people.

...Looking around, I spy hooded fellows on rooftops! How the hell did they get up there?

"...Oh, wo~w…" Keine looks around the scene, bewildered.

Yeah, we're fuckin' surrounded. Everyone who _could_ have seen us at the most inopportune, moment _has_ seen us.

I put a hand to her shoulder. "We're gonna hafta book it, yo. Them mages're wreckin' it up, and I'm sure they know _exactly_ what happened, now that you're out here."

...I'm not wrong, it seems! Tiny, black flares get shot at us from great distances. I mean, they're not great shots, but still.

Keine looks at me. "Where do we go, then? They… they seem to be everywhere."

"Home." I smile smugly.

Her concerned face turns dry.

Matt puts his hands on both our shoulders… "I happen to have obtained little aside from slightly tarnished robes in all of this."

I grin at him. "Comb the rubble for a fairy maid, friend. Take her home, and nuzzle her."

Keine sighs. "If I'm… a _month_ behind, I'm not sure what I have to give, anymore."

"If I don't find a fairy maid," Matt addresses me, "I'm finding _you_."

I shrug. "I mean, I could always give you some sandy fluffs…"

...He looks adequately pissed off!

"C'mon, Keine." I begin moving from the pile. "We're gettin' you to the Hakurei Shrine, so we can freakin' sleep."

"There is no 'me' in 'we'." Matt declines following us. "I believe I'll stick around here."

This freakin' pile of rubble, yo… it's like a pile of rubble to navigate.

I wave at Matt. "Alright, yo! I'm on a mission!"

Keine leaps right off the pile, because yeah. Wait…

I jump off the pile, and on my way down, I jump again. Hehe~y!

Keine and I land at the bottom, while Matt does whatever a Matt does.

Even though I'm the one doin' the rescuing, Keine takes the lead. "Hakurei Shrine… Yes, that would be for the best. I know a safe route out of here…"

With that, she takes off!

Keine makes some sudden turns down the road, ducking through alleys. They're erratic, and almost seem like they're trying to throw me off, forcing me to run after her. I take out the Escape Plan to keep up. I still got pins and needles through some of my body, which isn't reassuring, but they seem to count as pain!

Eventually, we come to a small group of edgy mages…

"Stand down! This is for your own good, Kamishirasawa!" Of the two, a tall one stands strong, pointing his staff at the were-sassofrass woman.

Keine scowls. "Hmph…"

The dark mages hold their staves menacingly, and begin strafing. A shadowy aura takes form around Keine, but she seems to ignore it as she charges into the short one, bowling him over by slamming him with her arms.

She charged energy into one of her fists, similar to the light from the tube, and shot it towards the tall twat.

Boom! Yo, ho ho!

"Haah…" The mage let out a sigh as he flew through the air, landing on his back, writhing.

"I-I'm out… This is suicide!" The remaining mage fled.

Keine looks back at me, the sickly aura dissipating without the mages to back it up. "Let's go." With that, she takes off again.

Those guys didn't stop us long at all…

We continued through the town, before reaching the gate that leads towards the shrine. It was wide open, and unguarded. Keine curiously examined the state of it, only for a moment, as we both sprinted from the village.

The dark, unlit path ahead was our method of transit. The stars in the night sky shimmered brightly as we raced down the path…

Keine abruptly charges another glowing blue projectile, and thrusts her arm towards some direction in the forest…

Bam! A projectile flies out, and collides with somebody…

"Guuraaghghgh…" A wolfman's gurgling confirms who was stricken.

Jesus, Keine. Freakin' spidey senses.

"Hehehe~y!" A night fairy spirals in overhead. "Two humans, this late?

Keine keeps running, ignoring her, so I do, too.

...Okay, I flip off the fairy, but otherwise…!

I hear the fairy gasp, and begin firing small streams of purple danmaku at us.

We eventually reach the stairs of the Hakurei Shrine, where Keine simply begins floating up the stairs…

I try jumping up the stairs, double jumping even, but I just find I nearly fall back down…

Instead, I have to just run up two stairs at a time, freakin' bookin' it as I get nailed by spiraling danmaku streams from behind.

Keine stops at the top, and charges more fun projectiles…

Fwoosh!

Boom!

Pi~chun!

...She also fires more out at the air around the stairs, but they don't seem to hit anything. Infact, they seem to make some fairies fly out from the treetops, and take note of us. They don't approach, though.

Once I reach the top, Keine sprints towards the shrine as I just kinda hobble along behind her… freakin' hell's stairs, yo…

Keine slides open the door to the shrine, and we both enter.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

In retrospect, that was probably one of the single most devastating series of human deaths in the village. I dunno how many died, but at least twelve to fifteen guards got cooked in that cellar.

Aya's gonna have a freakin' field day, down there. I wonder how that news report's gonna go…

Hmm. Reimu's not even freakin' here. Youmu is, though.

"Ah…?" Youmu turns to us. She notices our state of dress, and stands. "You…"

I hold up my arms! "Woah, yo! We're not villagers! It's me, fluffy!" I take off my charred guard helmet, tossing it aside.

...Youmu relaxes. "Wha-what…?"

...Keine moves to the kotatsu to sit with her. "Youmu… What's happened, while I was out?"

Youmu took a moment to answer. "You were… out? I was wondering why the human village… degraded." She fidgeted at her own description.

Keine nods. "I… I don't know what's been going on, recently."

Alright… Time ta break it down. "You missed… actually, I didn't spend a lotta time in the village myself." Hmm! "You missed a flood…"

"I remember that." Keine adds.

Wat. But, you asked about the robot… "A headless herse driver."

"He killed… eight guards? One was the chief, I think…" Keine elaborates.

Okay, just what the frik do you and do you not remember!?

"Mmhmm. There was also that thing with the vines- oo~h! I had _so_ much coverage after that…"

Aya, where'd you come from!?

...She turns to me, grinning. "Honest and true reporter, Aya Shameimaru, on the scene!"

...I sigh. This'd better not become a freakin' mess!... I mean, more of a mess than it already is.

If anyone asks, one of the weird machines in the sex dungeon went kaboom. That's just what weird machines _do_.

She turns to me. "So, you. You, you, you… you like to get involved in things, don't you?"

"Yes." I fold my arms. "No."

...Aya writes something down in her notebook. "Why are you in village guard clothing?"

Daa~h… "It was on sale." Perfect.

She seems to buy it…? "Why is Keine in robes?" Aya jots something down…

Keine moves to defend me! "Shouldn't that be a question for me?"

...Aya stares at her dryly. "Because you know."

"...Right." Keine sighs.

Freakin'...

Aya stare at me expectantly.

So… "It goes like this. Them guards, they're tryin'a make an Anti-Hakurei Unit or somethin' by capturing youkai, and I guess brainwash them."

Aya's face slowly begins to grin, as she writes more and more feverishly…

Youmu nods. "I-I heard something similar… I don't remember much, but I was with him, in the security building."

Aya turns to her. "Oo~h…?"

"There was a village elder. He threatened us, and I escaped. I didn't want to hurt anyone." Youmu stares down at the kotatsu. "...I'm worried enough, as it is."

Eagerly nodding, Aya scribbles that down. "Mmhm, mmhm…! Right, so." She turns to me, again. "How'd they brainwash the school teacher?"

Hmm… "I dunno how they initially did it, but they kept her under control with this machine… It had a touchpad, and a ton of tubes that pumped various things into people. Faith, fear, anesthetic…"

Aya's eyes widened. "Faith? Fear?"

Keine turned to me, looking equally surprised.

Youmu perked up, seemingly surprised as well.

...Yeah, it's pretty interesting, innit? Freakin' youkai food, and what I assume is god food.

"How do you think they got their hands on it!?" Aya was very eager, now!

"Very carefully!" My reply is equally as eager!

…

She deflates. "I need real answers, thank you."

"I don't have one." I smile. "...I don't _freakin'_ know!"

"...Guess I was pushing my luck." Aya sighs. "Anyway… How do you all feel about this?"

Keine folded her arms. Youmu just stared at her.

...I open my mouth, but Keine talks. "If you want _personal_ interviews, I think _we_ should be receiving something, in turn."

Aya looked vain. "Seriously…?"

Hyonk.

"...Whatever." Aya shook her head. "So, how many dead?"

Oh, boy…

To start with, I shrug…!

Keine raises a brow. "Rather abrupt to ask that question, isn't it?"

...With a shrug, Aya smiles. "Sure."

Reluctantly, she goes on. "I… I don't even know. Fifteen were burned to death in the basement. I have no clue how many dead might be from the building's collapse…"

Today I have learned that a super-charged Ha-chan is a weapon of mass destruction. Freakin' miniature atom bomb.

Youmu gaped. "W-wow…"

I sigh. "Freakin' fluffy."

...Aya stares at me.

Time to dodge bullets…

"I saw you climbing out of the building with Keine. How did you and that other man fare so well?" Aya stares at me inquisitively.

"Right place at the right time, I guess." I shrug. "I _was_ in a different location from the other guards. So was the other dude."

She nods, writing that down… "I see, I see. What caused the blast?"

Nuggets. "The brainwashing chairs. The guards did stupid stuff to them, or something, and they just asploded."

"Figures." She scribbles that down… "...So, why were you there, in general?" Aya points her pen at me. "You don't strike me as the political type."

"My fairy friend was unfairly taken captive." I adlib. "I wanted to set her fairly free."

Aya grins. "You like fairies a lot, don't you?"

Freakin', how would you know!? "Sure."

"Hehehe…" She leers at her notebook, scribbling. "What color do you prefer?"

Ah. You see, this is a trap! "I dunno. It's too hard to pick."

...She furrows her brows. "I mean, your favorite color. Everyone has one."

"I mean, when we're talking panties, I like a lotta colors." I shrug.

…

"Rainbow." Aya records offhandedly...

Keine facepalms. "...Fifteen or more people are _dead_ , and you're asking people what color of _panties_ they prefer on women?"

Aya rolls her eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Dime 'a dozen generic guard types. Probably good men. Shame." She very unenthusiastically mourns the fallen. "Honestly, the unexplained ones were more exciting. Even this latest one'll be pawned off as a 'youkai attack' or a 'gas leak', or something boring."

I just remembered something… "I still have that picture of your panties." I point at Aya.

…

She shrugs, grinning. "Already published it. Just didn't say they were mine!" With that, she laughs. "Ayayayaya~!"

She would.

"Boring?" Keine furrows her brows. "I hardly see how unnecessary slaughter of _innocent_ people can be _boring_."

"Exactly!" Aya beamed. "How can they make something so _exciting_ so _boring!?_ "

Keine glares at a somewhat confused Aya. Ho ho ho…

"...Unexplained de-deaths…?" Youmu tilted her head.

Aya gestured to her. "See? Youmu gets it!"

"I-I mean…" Youmu fidgets. "The-they were stabbings, weren't they?"

At least the heat is off me, now. I can relax… Like, I didn't _mean_ to kill all those guards. Terrible, catastrophic accidents happen. S'not much I can do about it, at this point. I saved Keine, and hopefully delayed the 'wreck Reimu's shit' project, and that's more important to me.

Yeah, I value the named touhous more than the local guards. I'm not gonna bellyache over their untimely microwavizations, though. I didn't really know 'em, and it's not like I meant to kill them.

I'm not gonna think about it.

Aya claps her hands. "So you read the articles!?"

Youmu blinks. "Well, no… I-I…" She inhaled... "I know who did them."

Aya stood up. "Y-you do!? I mean, yes you do! Please tell me!"

"...Matt. His name is Matt." Youmu begins. "He… his weapon of choice is scissors. He's an outsider. If-if you see him, please… Re-restrain him." She forces out the last part. "He's dangerous."

Aya nods. "...Matt. Scissors. An outsider… youkai?"

Youmu stared at her dryly. "You just said how boring it'd be if they were a youkai."

"Making sure. It seems a little farfetched for a human to do all that…" Aya bites her pen.

"He broke into the Scarlet Devil Mansion." Youmu continues.

"I'm sold." Aya begins writing. Again. How has she _not_ flipped the page, yet?

...I am both not surprised, and surprised! I suspected Matt was gettin' busy, but they're talkin' like he got freakin' _busy!_ That means he actually went through with it!

...Good initiative, I guess! Not that I support brutal murder or anything, I just kinda thought he was largely talk when it came to that sort of thing.

"I-I want your article to be a warning." Youmu raises her voice. "I want it to tell people to be _aware_."

"Mmhmm. He's a human, right?" Aya confirms.

"...Yes." Youmu nods.

"Hmmm…" Aya taps her chin. "...Evil eyepatch?"

...Youmu sighs. "No."

"Underground fairy trafficking ring?" Aya grins.

"No…"

Aya frowns. "Uuh… hmm."

"Aya…" Youmu begins frowning back.

She waves it off. "Fi~ne, fine… It's interesting enough. Sometimes, you just gotta dig for the details!"

"...He has brown hair." Youmu describes him "Brown hair, blue eyes. Pale."

Aya gives her an impatient face. Like, the 'for fuck's sake' kind of impatient. "...That describes _everyone._ "

Youmu pauses, thrown out of her grim mood. "What? Villagers aren't that pale…"

"Kinda." Aya argues. "I mean, I don't really bother to check."

"What do you mean? With the amount that…" Youmu readjusts herself, taking a breath as she does so. "With the amount that do outdoor work…"

"As if." Aya snorts. "When've you seen a farm in that village?"

…

Youmu furrowed her brows. "That's… a good point."

...They both turn to Keine expectantly.

Keine shakes her head, looking casual. "I'm pretty sure we're not getting food from where we should be. Our only records of agriculture are ancient."

...Aya turns to me.

Freakin'... "First I thought about it, myself." I've got no info, yo. "They're actually not very pale, though. Somehow."

"None of those details help me, still…" Aya complains. "No big fancy witch hat? No technicolor clothing?... No evil eyepatch?"

"Maybe you should just put his name down, then…" Youmu abandoned her previous notion.

Aya nodded. "Yeah, that's what I was gonna do, anyway. He sounds like he looks boring."

Youmu frowned, shaking her head.

…

"Where's Reimu, anyway?" Keine wondered.

"I've been here for multiple hours, waiting for her." Youmu states.

 _Multiple_ hours, yo. "Have you ever been here for divisible hours?"

Youmu scoffs at me. Hyonk, hyonk!

Aya had no clue, either. "Last I saw of Reimu was a day ago. I think. It all kinda blends together, y'know? Encounters with Reimu, I mean."

"No, I don't." Youmu shuts her down.

…

...Awkward silence…!

"You know what _really_ blends together?" I pose the friends a question…

As one does, they stare at me questioningly…

"Sandy fluffs." I wanna nuzzle one as I say that, but there are none.

…

Youmu rests her head on the kotatsu.

"Those dust things are old news." Aya dismisses them. "I can never catch them doing anything interesting, either."

Aya, what side of the planet do _you_ live on?

…

"Are, uh… we just gonna sit here until Reimu comes?" I wonder.

"Yes." Keine nods. "...I can't exactly go around in these robes."

"You can go around _without_ them." Aya grins lecherously...

Keine scowls at her. " _Some_ people have grasped the concept of public decency."

"Mmmph." Youmu hums from the table.

...Hmm. Alright, then!

I stand up. "I will be back, friends."

Before I get anywhere, Keine freakin' questions me. "Are you going to go to the village?"

...No. "Nope."

"...Alright." She looks back at the kotatsu.

Proceeding towards Reimu's kitchen, I hear the girls begin discussing behind me.

"...You seem upset." Keine addresses Youmu, probably.

Youmu takes a moment. "...I am."

I close the kitchen door behind me.

...Reimu's got things in here! Foo~d!

I did not come in here for food- except for that loaf of bread. I want to hug it and cuddle it and _consume_ it. Otherwise? Foods're off limits, yo.

What can I do in here…?

I wonder where Reimu keeps trash…

After looking around, I sighted something under the 'sinks'.

...Hey, bin things! She uses trash _baskets_. Hmm.

Right now, it's mostly empty. I think those are mandarin slices, inside it? Some paper lines the inside of it to keep the basket from getting gunked up.

I take the paper out, pouring the miniscule amount of trash from the basket, and claim it as my own.

...On closer inspection, the papers are of the Bunbunmaru. The irony… it gives me _cholesterol!_

With the basket, I move back into the main room…

"...I see. You've found yourself in a tight spot." Keine consoled Youmu.

Aya brought up her notebook. "Mmm~..."

Keine moves to grab it from her, but Aya yanks it away quicker. "Nope. I can see it now, 'The Tragedy of Youmu Konpaku'!"

Youmu had a half-grin. "But, I'm not… going through tragedy?"

"...Darn. I'm drawing a blank." Aya sighs. "Ooh, wait! 'Youmu Konpaku and her Crippling Secrets'!"

"That makes it sound like _I'm_ the one at fault!" Youmu stands up. "Give me that!"

"Guys, guys!" I rouse their attention! Then, I place the basket on the kotatsu… "Du~de…"

…

"Let's play bass ket ball." You read that right, yo. Ket the bass!

Everyone gives me blank, judging stares. Ooo~h ho ho…

"Aya, do you have any Bunbunmarus on you right now?" Inquiring minds want to know!

She nods. "Here you are! Free of charge!" She hands me one. I take the newspaper, and look at it while it's still all folded up…

…

I open it, but only so I can crumple it into a ball.

Aya scowls at me. "You know, you could've at least… _skimmed_ it. I mean, if you don't like it after that, I could understand, but..."

"Yo!" I back up from the basket, and toss the resulting paper ball at it!

It misses, and lands next to Keine.

…

"It's going to be a long evening." Youmu reflects.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Teacher, leave the~m… kids alo~ne!" I proceed to bang on the shrine's walls with a thin piece of plywood that I beat from a larger piece of plywood.

A light clanking came from the wood bit I struck…!

Aya had long since departed, deciding that she'd just scout for Reimu herself, being the freakin' speed demon she is.

Keine's eyes tiredly blinked, as she began nodding off…

Youmu was already asleep, curled up under the kotatsu.

"No dark sarca~sm…" Clank! "In the classroom…!"

It's also getting freakin' dark. Oof…

"Hey! Teacher!" Raa~h! Rapid wall clanking, go~! "Leave those kids aloo~hoohoo~ne!"

...Thud. Keine flopped over, still half under the kotatsu…

…

I'm gettin' pretty tuckered out, too…

…

I shift into a nice, warm spot under the kotatsu. Haa~h…

…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

…

So co~zy…

…

Ouch- hey! Yo~! 

I open my eyes, and flail about a little. Someone's nudging me… and someone's grabbed me! I'm trapped against one of the kotatsu legs.

"I'm stuck, yo…" I announce to whoever the frik's poking me!

The poking stops.

…

Then, I'm slid out from the kotatsu forcefully. Co~ld...

Oh, hi, Reimu.

...She takes the spot she removed me and Ha-chan from. Also yes, Ha-chan apparently joined me under there, at some point.

...I break from Ha-chan, who is, as usual, freakin' zonked.

"...Mornin'." I greet Reimu…

She snaps to me, expression vain, and tired. "Explain."

Please, no. "Why me…?"

Reimu pans her steely gaze around the room… "Everyone's asleep."

...Oh. But…!

Ah, whatever. I assume Reimu's trying to beat the record for 'quickest mornings that have gone to shit'. I still think the other day holds that…

What happened to Meira, anyway? Man, I'd feel like a _real_ dick if she got hurt in the big building blowout…

"Whaddaya want me to explain…?" I rub my eyes to get the crustaceans out…

"Aya woke me up, this morning. Gave me her worthless paper…" Reimu took it out. "Told me about some article I should read. I wasn't gonna, but the headline was hard to miss."

...I sit up, approaching the kotatsu. Reimu holds up the paper for me to see…

Bunbunmaru: Human Village Times!

'Thirty-Six Killed in Bad Technology Accident. Foul Play Expected?'

Considering the village, that's a given. Also thirty-six? Jesus Christ.

"I read through it." Reimu continues. "Electrical blast. Youkai involvement suspected. You were there."

Oof.

...I sigh. "Yeah. I was there."

"Why?" Reimu does _not_ beat around the bush.

"Well, it all started when this dude in big robes- named Paul- was all like 'we're gonna capture you for our Anti-Hakurei Unit', and me and Youmu was like 'fuck that', and-"

"Anti Hakurei Unit…" Reimu echoes. "The article detailed that encounter. Something about Youmu saving you from a pot of boiling water."

...I don't wanna know. "...Not _quite_ , but good enough!"

...Reimu stared at me, urging me to continue.

So I did! "So, I noticed Keine was suspiciously absent for like, awhile."

Reimu nods. "Mmm."

"...So I checked out her school, and saw shit all over the walls- by the way, a totally unrelated cat youkai is running around there with katanas." I inform her.

"Later. Continue." Reimu knows how to priorimatize! "...I'd also like to know how anything in that sentence helped."

Uuh… "By 'shit', I mean I went into Keine's office and saw insane scribblings on the walls."

Reimu looks at the kotatsu top… "I should make tea, soon…"

...I continue. "So, I took matters into my own hands while everyone was out, and invaded the guard place! With fairies!"

I just realized, the fairies just didn't make the headlines at _all_. It was like they were never even there!

"...Right." Reimu slowly nods… "Is there more?"

"I got inside alright enough. Keine was strapped to this pimp ass Disney chair." Hyonk!

"Japanese, please." She snorts.

Daa~h… "It was a chair with tubes, and stuff. She was restrained, and drugged."

...Reimu turned to me, furrowing her brows. "...Sounds like Eientei, to me."

Here's the part everyone turns their heads over. "It had settings for faith, fear, anesthetic, and instant death."

Her head jerked to face me. "Faith? Fear? From _tubes?_ "

Yeah, yo! "...Yeah, yo!" Sayin' what's on my mind, yo…

Reimu turns away from me, staring at the kotatsu.

…

"They're gone now, right?" She seeks confirmation.

I nod. "The~y exploded. And took thirty-six people with them, apparently." Except Paulie-fuckin'-Chikamatsu, apparently.

"...Mmm. The headline doesn't say it, but there were fifteen people inside who survived. Two were injured." With that, Reimu begins to stand. "It's cleared out, now. I'm gonna go make tea."

I'm somewhat nervous that Reimu's just gonna go up and be like 'oh haha by the way you blew them up didn't you' or something. Freakin'... Hakurei intuition.

Thirty-six is _kinda_ a big number!

Oh, well. It's too early for this-

A letter lands on my face. It smells like vanilla, pleasingly.

...I take it off, and notice it's not so pleasingly from a certain 'Y.Y.'.

Ripping open the letter, I read the small card inside…

The front cover has a cute picture of a cat hanging from a tree branch. Below it, is the bold text 'You, right now.'

...She got it custom made, for me! How sweet!

I open the card…

' _Just kidding! Sort of. You have my sincere thanks for causing an untimely destruction to that troublesome scheme. You may ignore Chikamatsu, as I know you were likely devising plans to get to him. Let time flow, yes?_

 _Also, may there be a plague on your house for rendering the human village vulnerable. Get Keine back into it today, or you're going to discover a new passion for alcohol, one which you may not recover from._

 _My apologies for being unable to meet you in person. I am a very busy young woman._

 _Sincerely, Y.Y._ '

First, I've, uh, got my doubts about that Paul guy. Unless she freakin' killed him, in which case, hyonk.

Second… sure. It's not like it will be a freakin' project to get her back from point A to point B. She got herself here just fine.

I'm not gonna address that last one!

Then, the letter like, vaporizes. Just 'poof'. Magic dust! Kinda a shame, too, 'cause I wanted to take the letter and write a T in the word 'busy', so that her last line'd be 'I am a very busty woman'.

Reimu walks back into the room, holding a tray of tea.

I rub my hands together… "Let's get snuggly, friend."

"Touch me, and never touch again." Reimu threatens. Help, no!

She misunderstands, you see. "Friend, no. I just wanted to be fluffy."

...Reimu glances at my hair. "You're already there."

Awwh. She serves tea for herself.

…

"Y'know, I could uh… use some tea, too." Morning energy~...

"There's only enough for the guests." Reimu denies me, blowing on her tea…

...The guests who are _asleep_ right now! "They're freakin' conked! Yo~. Ding dong, man. Ding dong."

...She snorts. "Fine, then. Help yourself."

Oo~h!

I pour the tea into one of the little teacups, spilling some onto the kotatsu top as I do so, because I suck at teapots.

Reimu scoffs. "Seriously?"

Hey. "Me no no tables."

"Apparently." She huffs. "That's gonna stain…"

I bring the teacup to my lips, and sip…

Fucking _hot!_ And _bitter!_ Holy _shit!_

...I make a sour face as I down the tea…

...Reimu sighs. "Stick to water." She sipped her own tea, not registering the heat or bitterness at all.

Everyone in Gensokyo is a _freakin'_ genie. Except for the ones who are- wait, even the dead ones kick ass. Shieut, man.

...Yesterday was indeed one of 'those' days. Hopefully today is also not one of 'those' days!

…

"By the way… do you know why there's a bloodbath in my sink?" Reimu stared at me dryly.

I snort. "Yeah, I noticed that. I dunno where it came from. I guess someone had their period in your sink." S'just how some people roll…!

...Reimu shakes her head, sipping her tea.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 40

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY:

Youkai Inconveniencer - Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

Holy Talismans - Provides a holy upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

Electric Talismans - Provides an electric upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out…

A Wiffle Duster - For shoving up people's rectums.

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

ACTION

hopefully the stealth don't seem like too much BS!

freakin' HUMAN VILLAGE DRAMARAMA, yo; it's full of cuddly places, and friendly faces

also there's an EXPLANATION as to how i survived ha-chan's blast. it's as OBVIOUS AS YOU THINK IT IS…

(but if it's not don't sweat it'll be explained later)

i spent the whole chapter in like a flux of "is this balanced" "is this funny" "is this not serious enough" "is this TOO serious"; BASICALLY, is it FINE? am i stressin' over NAUGHT? or do i have a VAGUE IDEA...

as always, see you all next time!


	49. Everyone's a Critic

(MATT THE PLATT IS ON THE FLATT, YEAH...TT.

...it's MATT'S PERSPECTIVE)

Well, that excursion was largely a disappointment. The only things I derived were these edgy robes, and that was about it.

The flying person overhead snapping pictures of me ceased to do so, flying away after the school teacher and that other deranged asshole, who were quickly escaping.

This just left me upon a pile of rubble.

…

I begin combing the rubble for a fairy friend to call my own.

It's not an easy structure to comb, however.

Nearing the bottom of the pile, I'm greeted by some villagers who were working to clear the rubble.

A generic-looking man in a chestplate greeted me. "Hey, y'purple robed bastard! Help us out here! These're _your_ men!"

I think not. They aren't my problem at all.

...After I look around in the area we first entered from, I sight an orange-haired fairy maid lying upon some wooden beams, among other wooden fragments.

Climbing the pile, I claim my friendly maid friend.

"Aaauuh…?" She slurs, still unconscious.

She is now mine.

With my loot, I begin bounding away with her in my arms, as fast as a man in robes can do any movement akin to bounding.

"Hey, hey!" The chestplated individual calls out to me. "What- where are you going!?"

Home.

Ignoring him, I blend into the alleys away from the scene.

"Hey! _He~y!_ " He calls out to me, but doesn't pursue. "...Damn."

/ / / / WARNING! WARNING! ORNAMENTAL SU~N / / / /

I reach Sekibanki's house, and kick the door.

…

I kick it again.

Steps are heard inside…

…

The door swings open. "Wha~t…?" She drawls. "First that explosion… did you do that?"

"Nope." I shake my head. "Not my fault. This time."

She rolls her eyes. "If you say so…" She looks down at the fairy in my arms. "...What is that?"

"A stray asshole cat." I quip.

I receive a dry look. "I see. Not that my living room has anything in it, anyway. If she makes noise, though, she's getting popped."

With that, Sekibanki walks back inside, still clad in pajamas, and enters her bedroom.

Proceeding inside, I plop the fairy maid on the table. I forget her name, but she's fun.

...Time to sleep, I suppose.

This room has a grand total of six pieces of furniture: a table, four chairs, and this large display case with nothing in it.

Naturally, the display case would make the perfect sleeping spot.

Moving up to it, I search the side for a way to open it, only to find it swings open after undoing a simple latch. Then, I moved the shelves out of the way, and…

Hmm. This might be problematic.

...Precariously, I slide myself into a very scrunched vertical position inside, trying to get the display case as closed as possible. Which, I can't, because the display case doesn't seem to be willing to fit an entire humanoid being.

Hmph. Well, I'm not falling, so…

...

/ / / / S'PROBABLY ACTUALLY 'ELEMENTAL SUN' BUT THE OTHER WORD IS FUN / / / /

Thud.

Hgh… I should've expected that.

...Peeling myself from the floor, I look around the room.

…

Having no windows doesn't make it easy to discern whether or not it's daytime, Sekibanki.

I move to the door, and open it…

The bright sun assaults me violently, and I am forced to close the door.

...The orange fairy maid and Sekibanki are sitting at the table, a bowl of peppermints between them.

Even though I went shopping for peppermints, and ate all of them.

The fairy maid was stuffing a few into her mouth. "Oh, hey. He's up."

...I stumble to the table, and sit down.

"Good morning." Sekibanki greets me, whilst consuming a peppermint herself.

I reach for the peppermint bowl, only for Sekibanki to deny me. "No. I _know_ you ate all the ones you went out to buy. That's why I bought my own."

Crafty she-devil.

The fairy maid grinned through a mouth full of peppermints. "S'good!"

I feel swindled, for some reason.

Resting my arms on the table, Sekibanki continues. "I got the paper this morning."

...They had papers, in this land? Do they even have printing presses?

She slid the paper across the table…

Let's see what we have, here…

Bunbunmaru: Human Edition. Fitting.

'Thirty-Six Killed in Bad Technology Accident. Foul Play Expected?'

I decide to read the article myself, a bit…

'Yesterday, at the Guard Headquarters, a tragic accident left thirty six armed guards dead. Fifteen of those who were inside the complex made it out without any injuries, while two were only minorly injured.'

Curious statistics.

'Though a local outsider claims the massive electrical blast that wiped out the facility to be an accident, a different source claims that there was no way it could have happened without explicit youkai involvement.'

A different source...?

'The school teacher, Keine Kamishirasawa, was being held captive inside, against her will, and for no lawful reason. The machines that had exploded were created with the intent of repurposing youkai to serve humans, through the application of 'faith' and 'fear' settings on the machine. The machine also had means to keep youkai captive. Youmu Konpaku, who was on site earlier in the day, had this to say:

"There was a village elder. He threatened us, and I escaped. I didn't want to hurt anyone. I'm worried enough as it is."

The outsider, Brad Pantystealer, had this to say:

"I dunno how they initially did it, but they kept her under control with this machine… It had a touchpad, and a ton of tubes that pumped various things into people. Faith, fear, anesthetic…"

Brad Pantystealer, Keine Kamishirasawa, and an unknown anti-Hakurei conspiratist were among those who escaped from this disaster, seen on the cover image above.'

...I check the large, black and white image, and sure enough, I can clearly make out two fairy maids, Keine, Brad, and myself. Troublesome.

'It seems like the village's security has been making big changes in how it treats youkai, and how it plans to combat them. When questioned, Samuru Saito, the village chieftain, had declared this an "overwhelming embarrassment" and "severe example of deficiency in the management of village security".

He states, "we will be working to get to the bottom of just what caused this crushing failure in our security branch. Paul Chikamatsu will be fired and tried for misuse of village funding, along with unauthorized warmongering. We deeply apologize to those we have offended."

It is confirmed that all guardsmen who still wear purple robes are anti-Hakurei conspiracists, to which Reimu Hakurei herself declared unjust.

Reimu Hakurei is expected to make a visit to the village later today.

Honest and True Reporter, Aya Shameimaru.'

...That's troublesome. I was looking forward to wearing these purple robes more often.

"Turn the page." Sekibanki monotones.

Hmm?

Flipping it over, I see another headline…

'Unexplained Murders Explained! It's Not a Youkai?'

Oh, wow. Humans kill each other. How surprising.

'Before we get into the details, for those who just want the info, the killer is a human named Matt, with brown hair, and pale skin. His weapon of choice is scissors, and he has been declared dangerous.'

What the hell? How.

'Yesterday, at the Hakurei Shrine, Youmu Konpaku was seeking a certain shrine maiden to help her bring a criminal to justice. While the shrine maiden was out presumably partying it up, Youmu patiently waited at the shrine. When approached, she was glad to comment and share what she knew regarding the mysterious crimes.'

…

 _Youmu._

'"His name is Matt." Youmu informed us. "His weapon of choice is scissors. If you see him, please, restrain him. He's dangerous."'

To go so far, for something that is genuinely _not_ her problem. How utterly inconvenient...

'To confirm her other report of him having broken into the Scarlet Devil Mansion, I went to Remilia Scarlet herself for details.

"Just go away." Remilia stated, this very morning. "No one's broken in, as far as I'm… You mean outsiders? They're harmless, so I usually let them in. I can't say any of them who've, as you say, 'broken in', have done anything wrong. I usually don't keep an eye on them. Let me go back to sleep."

Needless to say, she wasn't very helpful. Looking for further information, I contacted the families of the deceased. Unfortunately, Mark didn't have a family to question, but his deceased girlfriend, Sally Yamada, had a daughter eligible for questioning.'

Now I just have to complete the set, and bring a bloodline to extinction.

'Maria Yamada was upset. "He… he killed my mom. He killed Mark. I… I lost my entire family. I'm living with my... grand- whoever. I don't even know these people! I want my family back! I want my life back..."

This crushing loss dealt a serious, traumatic blow to Yamada. I then went to grand uncle Kirisame for more comment.

"I'm gonna kill him." He grinned. "When I see him, that is."

Shrine maiden Reimu Hakurei responded to this situation, by saying she would "confront the one responsible".

Matt is an outsider, who arrived in Gensokyo a while ago.

Honest and True Reporter, Aya Shameimaru.'

Great. That's just great. Well, it seems that's the end of the Exposition Newspaper. Although…

'Communal Fluff Dust Bath'

Yeah, that's the end now.

"...I'd like some answers." Sekibanki had her arms folded.

I shrug. "A job well done, if I say so myself. Although, it seems I may have had a few… errors in my judgment."

Sekibanki frowns. "I told you not to kill anymore people. After that first one."

Oh. "Did you? I… may have forgotten. It was only two people. Who cares?"

Sekibanki furrows her brows, and sighs. "...Let's see you tell that to Reimu."

...The fairy maid looked around. "So what kinda situation did I land myself in? This like a… murder mystery?" She held a hand to her chin. "I'm not really into those…"

I'm pointed at by Sekibanki. "He's the killer."

"Oh." The fairy grins. "That was a shitty mystery."

...It was never reported that I stay at Sekibanki's house, though. Reimu'd never be able to find me-

Knock, knock, knock.

-here.

Sekibanki stands…

"Well, if she ever manages to find me, I will make sure to." I inform her.

She turns to me, expression dry. "This is probably her right now."

Sure it is.

...I hide under the table anyway. This chair better be a stealth bonus.

Sekibanki swings the door open, and Reimu's standing there.

I'd really like to know how she managed to find me _first thing_ in the morning.

"Hi." Reimu casually waves at Sekibanki.

"Hey." She greets back.

"Matt lives here, ri...ght?" She looks past Sekibanki, and notices me under the table.

...I roll over onto my side, and close my eyes.

...Sekibanki walks out of the way.

Casually, Reimu struts up to the table, and lifts it up. She stares down at me. "Get up."

…

She punts me. Which hurts. "No, I'm dead." I inform her.

"No, that's what you'll be if you don't get up." Reimu threatens.

...Reluctantly, I get up, standing before her.

"Come with me." Reimu gestures for me to follow her.

"What seems to be the problem, Miss Hakurei?" I smile casually as I greet her.

"Just come with me." She moves to the door, and waits for me.

...I glance around the room.

The fairy maid is grinning, and Sekibanki has a half-smile on her face.

...I take my sack, and place my scissors in them, but I hold onto the steel and dash scissors. Chances are, this encounter's going to instantly go to shit, so I'd rather not have the Gensokyo Police instantly whisk all my equipment away for being a bad boy.

I move to the display case, and place the arms inside.

"Well. If you insist." Turning, I follow her.

We go around the back of the house. At the side of the house, in the very first alley, Reimu turns to talk to me.

"You killed people." Reimu states outright. "Two people."

"Not thirty-six." I provide immediately.

…

"You killed two people." Reimu stresses again. "I'd like some explanation. Because, you know. Just going around killing people's not exactly ethical."

"Brad killed thirty-six. Might want to talk to him first." I grin.

Reimu frowns. "It wasn't his fault. You were there, weren't you?" She scans my robes. "He gave his account."

"Brad ignorantly attempted to overload the system to free Keine, and it exploded." I inform her.

...Reimu pauses, and shrugs. "If it wasn't him, I'm sure some other guard would've made the same mistake, then. He wouldn't have known they would be as they were, either." With that, she nods. "...I can see why he would lie, though. I don't entirely blame him."

I fold my arms. "If you unintentionally kill people, are you not charged for manslaughter?"

...Reimu tilts her head.

"...That's how it is in _our_ world anyway." She seems to be unfamiliar.

"The human village does that, too. As do the tengu." Reimu recognizes it. "...I don't. At least, when the accident was a true accident, and not actual stupidity. If anyone, I'd blame whoever made such stupid computers."

"He tried hitting the machine to free her." I explain further.

Reimu's face hardened. "...I don't think he would've known that would happen. I don't think he would have known. Besides, if the machines were that bad, I feel like they would have blown up a lot sooner..."

"They were pretty secluded from everything else." I mention. "Only specific people were allowed near them."

Reimu nods. "Like Brad. And _you_. And the bunch of dead guards next to them."

I shrug. "What can I say? We wanted to find Keine and destroy the purple KKK. We don't care about such stupid details."

...Reimu nods. "You're also completely avoiding anything relating to the other two murders, and you're trying _pretty_ hard to make it seem like Brad was responsible for faulty machinery." She huffs. "I'm kind of busy today. If you're really going to give me the roundabout…"

"He was throwing caution to the wind, and getting people hurt!" I exclaim. "And, what if I said they weren't actually my fault?"

Reimu sighs, stretching her neck a bit. "...Okay. How were they not your fault?"

"Pure accident. The same reason as Brad, really." I lean against the wall of Sekibanki's house with my arm.

"...Precise stabs into the backs of people's necks were complete accident." Reimu nods. "Though I'm willing to believe you about the fire in that one girl's house."

"I was actually…" I pause for effect. "I was trying to save them."

...Reimu gives me a narrow-eyed stare.

"The Anti-Hakurei conspiracy runs deeper than anyone may think." I stand up straight again.

"If they have a problem with me, they can come to me for it." Reimu folds her arms.

"But they didn't." I look her in the eyes, not that I wasn't already. "And that's how we got this whole situation." I spread out my arms for effect.

…

"I'm just gonna beat you up now." Reimu's yin-yang orbs begin spinning around her, as she floats into the air…

"Now wait just a moment!" I hold my arms up. "You might wanna listen to this! It's quite important!"

"Five cards." Reimu declares.

God dammit bitch! "And this is _why_ these incidents happen, Reimu!"

Reimu's expression sours. "Five cards it is, then."

"You know why people hate you? Because you won't _listen to them._ I don't even have any spells!"

"Nonspells, then." Reimu decides, her face contorted in a deep scowl.

Amulets fly towards me in a linear pattern, while larger ones home in on me.

I turn, and begin running.

Danmaku riddles my back as I run away, and I begin using my sliding maneuver to evade the homing bolts.

I slide into the main road, but Reimu continues to pursue me as I dash through the citizens. The citizens all move to the side of the road, or simply stand at the side, and Reimu holds her fire until they clear the way.

...I have the purple robes on, don't I?

I use the dash scissors to slide under Reimu, evading her general sight for only a moment, as I move towards Seki's house, again.

Dashing into the door-

Bam!

Which hurt, by the way.

-I try to open it, but it's locked.

…

"Hey, Seki~!" I call, banging on the door. "I'm fine now."

Danmaku, yin-yang orbs, and amulets begin raining down on the side of the house.

"Can you open it?" I request, holding my face close to the door _holy shit_ does danmaku burn!

"Open it you bitch!" I wail on the door with my arm.

A larger yin-yang orb blindsides me, knocking me to the ground. My consciousness fades as the danmaku continues to slam into me…

…

/ / / / OOMPHLYMPICS / / / /

...I slowly come to. Whoever needed to invent danmaku needs to burn in hell.

Oh, right. Reimu did, didn't she?

...Looking around, I realize I'm in the Hakurei Shrine.

Across from me, Reimu sat at her kotatsu, drinking tea. Next to her was Youmu, and Keine was still dressed in those cultist robes.

...I attempt to move, but seem to be tied up. Magnificent.

Youmu seemed to be glaring intently at me the whole time.

Keine just looked bored.

Reimu, too, looked bored.

"...That was fast." Keine gave Reimu a glance.

"Mmm." Reimu hums.

Youmu nods, but doesn't take her eyes off of me.

"...How did you find him?" Keine wonders aloud.

Reimu shrugs. "Asked around this morning. Beat up about ten other robed guys. Just looked for everyone with robes, basically. I didn't actually count on finding him first thing, but he was the guy in the picture wearing the robe, for some reason."

Keine nods… "I see."

"I eventually heard Sekibanki was housing an outsider, so that narrowed things down." Reimu nods. "It would have been a bigger problem if he weren't in the human village itself. But, after last night, I guess he couldn't have gone far. I didn't know that at the time, though.

I simply stare.

"...I'm impressed." Keine expresses satisfaction.

"Yeah." Reimu gives her a stare.

…

"He's awake." Youmu finally declares.

Reimu turns to me. "...Ah. You wanna talk to him, first?"

Youmu takes a deep breath. "...Su-sure."

She stood up, and walked towards me. I take my stare off of Reimu, focusing on Youmu as she approaches…

"...He-hello." Youmu greets me.

"What do you want."

At first she flinches, but her face hardens. "Why did you kill those people?"

"I have nothing to say to you."

Youmu frowns. "I-I want to know. _Why_ did you kill those people?"

"I thought I said I have nothing to say to you."

"Why can't you tell me!?" Youmu shouts.

Reimu stands up, and walks towards us. Keine stares over with a stoic expression.

I continue to stare at her.

Reimu puts a hand on her shoulder… "Youmu-"

"No!" She tears Reimu's arm from herself, then freezes. "...I-I…"

She glares back down at me. "I-I want to know why."

I stare back. "Why should you care."

She pauses, her expression shifting to a few different places, before simply settling on a deeper frown. "...Wh-what do you mean?"

Reimu steps back, for the moment.

"None of it is your business. And neither is it your responsibility."

…

Youmu furrows her brows. "Wh-what…? Y-you killed people…"

Reimu looks at me, remaining still.

"So?"

…

"...So." Youmu echoes. "So?... So~!?"

Her arms begin shaking. "You killed people! With lives! Families! Po-potential! Th-things to live for…" She trailed off. "People to care for… Hopes, dreams…"

Tears streamed down her cheeks. "Because they were... _in your way_ …"

Reimu grimaces, moving towards Youmu cautiously.

…

Silence reigned in the Hakurei Shrine, as Youmu quietly sobbed in front of me. Reimu awkwardly stood next to her, as Keine looked over with a bewildered expression.

…

"I-I'm…" Youmu turned back to Reimu. "I'm going home…"

Reimu nods, huffing in disatisfaction. "Alright…"

Youmu looks up at her. "Whatever you do… I want you to keep him from killing more people. I-I know people die, but… It's just rotten that a person like him…" She glances back at me, then shakes her head, looking away and back at Reimu. "I-... Please."

Reimu nods, forcing a confident smile. "I'll make sure of it."

"Th-thank you…" Youmu slowly walks out of the shrine. She slides the door shut behind herself.

…

After all of this…

I lower my head. "...Heh… heh heh… heh…"

I'd like to remind you that danmaku sucks, because I just remembered that fact.

"Ha~ah. What the hell was that…" I grin.

Reimu turns to me. "...I don't really know where to start with you."

Keine stands up, and begins to approach us. She doesn't say anything, even as Reimu turns to her curiously.

I glance between the two of them. "...I was already told to stop… and I followed... yet this happens. Hah."

Reimu furrows her brows. "...There's a lot, lot, wronger with you, than simply…" She trails off, not finding the words to continue.

...Keine's brow twitches. "...Worse, you mean."

Reimu rose a brow, turning to her.

"Wronger's, um, not a word…" Keine awkwardly adds.

…

"So, can I leave now, or will this place be my grave?" I narrow my eyes while smiling at the Hakurei miko.

Reimu sighs. "...I don't know what to do with you yet. For now, though, you can just sit there." She begins walking back to the kotatsu. "I was thinking of teaching you danmaku… but at this point, I feel like you're gonna need a _lot_ more than that…"

Keine follows Reimu back to the kotatsu, seemingly unsure what to make of me.

Well. This is going to be an uneventful stay.

…

The shrine door slides open.

"He~y, Keine! I got your _crack_ , cocaine!"

Brad walks in, holding clothes. "I almost got turned into a freakin' ribbon factory trying to get it."

Keine blinks. "...Ah."

He looks around the room, and sees me in the corner, tied up. "And- ooh ho ho, mister angry eyes all the time! What's the occasion?"

"Hello, _son_." I greet him. "Are you going to help me?"

He looks over at Reimu, who gives him a steely glare, causing him to pause. "...Ho~h, shit. That's probably a hard _no_. Reimu looks like she wants to go through with that whole 'turn me into a ribbon factory' idea."

"Oh well." I sigh. "Seems I must remain as Reimu's sex slave. A fate worse than death."

Brad chuckles. "Son, now I wish I was you, except not."

He moves to the kotatsu, handing Keine's clothes to her. "There you go, yo. Now go teach the village not to suck, 'cause it does."

Keine furrows her brows at him, but drops the blunt insult of the village. "...Is it okay if I use your room to change, Reimu?"

Reimu nods, and Keine recedes deeper into the shrine.

...Brad nods confidently, looking between Reimu and myself. "So, what's the story? He kill somebody's mother?"

"I got caught going over the speed limit." I explain. "Now I got the death sentence…"

Reimu gives him a dry look. "Yes, actually. And her boyfriend."

...Brad makes a small 'o' shape with his mouth. "...Oh. Shieut."

"They're probably happily eating peaches up in heaven now." I state. "If we ever invent cell phones, she can just call them."

...Brad puts a hand to his chin. "Y'know, I think you're onto somethin'..."

"Was he always like this?" Reimu addresses Brad.

Brad turns to her. "Huh? Oh, yeah. Basically. 'Cept with a whole lot less of the killing people. Then again, back in our world, finding a killer's like," He snaps his fingers in a Z shape in the air. "Y'know?"

...Reimu shakes her head casually.

"...Ah." Brad nods. "Well, it's really easy, and you get like, killed and raped in a complex by fellow criminals for basically any crime."

...He tilts his head. "...Our prisons are kinda fucked up!"

Reimu shakes her head. "I've had enough of morally bankrupt things for one day."

...Brad's expression drops. "Oof. What's gotcha down?"

Reimu points at me.

...Brad nods. "Sounds about right! Can't help ya there!"

He begins to leave. "I'm gonna go… do things!"

With his avid planning, he slides the shrine door shut behind himself.

…

"So which of us is the lesser evil?" I ask Reimu, grinning.

She just ignores me, resuming her tea, keeping an eye on me.

...The absolute worst response is no response.

…

/ / / / KNEE DEEP IN MUD / / / /

The shrine door slides open.

"Hello, Reimu."

Reimu tiredly lifts her gaze from the kotatsu, and perks up. "Kasen! Where've you been?"

"Oh, around." Kasen smiles as she walks inside. Then, she turns to face me.

"Hey, how ya doin'." I greet her.

...She turns to face Reimu. "...I didn't know you've adopted this strategy to sealing youkai…"

Reimu sighs. "Did you read the Bunbunmaru?"

Kasen blinks. "You read the Bunbunmaru?"

...Reimu faceplants on the kotatsu. "Uu~gh… C'mere. It's a long story. The guy's human, by the way-"

"Human?" Kasen jerks her head back, surprised.

"She's quite kinky." I insist.

"Basically, he kills other humans. Two others, so far. He seems like he'd do it again, so…" Reimu trailed off. "I'm not sure what to do with him."

Genuinely? "Hey, I was told to stop, and I _did_. In fact, they're pretty old deaths."

…

"I see." Kasen nods to Reimu. "Yes, that _is_ quite problematic…"

Reimu sighs. "I know, right?"

Kasen moves to the kotatsu to sit down with her. Unfortunately, the discussion doesn't stay on me, for long.

"Are you still practicing your seals?" Kasen asks.

Reimu sighs. "I don't _need_ to practice them. I even performed a Human Sealing Circle the other day by memory."

Kasen hums in pleasure. "Hmm… Impressive. I'm trying to think of something to teach you…"

She learns from this woman?

"Not that you've taught me a terrible amount, anyway…" Reimu tilted her head, smiling. "Using the ofuda directly like that was kinda~ basic. So was the yin-yang pinball thing. I knew that for a _long_ time."

"...I'm thirsty." I announce.

...Reimu glances over in annoyance, while Kasen simply glances at me.

"...Hold on." Reimu gets up. "I have to feed him."

I distinctly asked for water.

She moves towards the shrine's interior.

…

Kasen gets up, and walks over to me. "Hello."

"Greetings." I greet her.

For a while, she just stares at me.

…

"So how has your day been?" I smile up at her.

"Good." She smiles back. "How was yours?"

"As you can see… the best day of my life." Certainly.

She snorts, nodding. "Aa~h."

…

"Come here often?" I grin.

"No."

Well.

...Reimu stumbles in with an entire jug of water.

Kasen giggles. "Do you need help with that…?"

"I've got it…" Reimu gets a hold of it, and approaches me with it.

I blink at her as she nears me with the entire jug of water.

She holds it up over me, and I stare at it. "...Can I get a free hand and a cup, instead? I don't like getting wet. That's the role of the girl."

Reimu pours the water on me slowly, forcing me to open my mouth to drink it instead. I decide to drink up, because I might be here awhile.

...Eventually, she turns the jar completely upside down, pouring the rest on me, soaking me.

Kasen grins. "...Was that really necessary?"

"Yes." Reimu states, before walking away to the kotatsu, again.

Kasen turns from me, and continues to the kotatsu. They start discussing boring things, again…

"Have you seen those dust devils?" Kasen inquires. "They're mischievous little things. They're also neither animals, nor youkai. It's the strangest thing."

Reimu sighs. "Yeah, I've had it up to here with them. I've got absolutely _no_ leads on where they came from, though."

I yawn…

/ / / / TRAPPED IN A TRENCH WITH NO WAY OUT / / / /

It was now Suika's turn to stumble inside.

"Haa~h!" She poses, surprisingly having averted smashing the shrine door on the way in. "Rei~mu! A new bar opened in town!"

Reimu sighed. "Can't go. I have to watch this guy." She points to me.

...Suika wobbles around, facing me.

"Reimu is using me as a sex slave!" I cry out! "Help!"

...Suika reels over. "Aaa~hahahahaha~! Yea~h, Reimu! Go get'em, girl! Tha's the oni way!"

About what I expected.

Reimu snorts. "Mmm."

...With that, Suika begins to make the long and calculated process of making it back outside without clipping the door with her horns.

Bam!

Reimu facepalms.

Suika took out a chunk of the door on the way out. How unfortunate.

The shrine maiden returns to drinking her tea, with a captive audience in the corner. I am witness to the world's most boring infomercial ever.

…

"...Actually, I probably coulda gone with her. Oh well…" She yawns. "I'm going to bed. If you sneak out, I'll find you again."

Liberating. "Don't let the Gensokyian bed bugs bite."

"Mmm." She ignores me as she moves for the shrine's interior.

…

Sleeping like this isn't gonna be easy.

…

/ / / / WHAT'S THE PRICE OF A MILE / / / /

Scratch that, sleeping's impossible. I think this counts as one of my worst days ever.

The dark shrine is silent, and the sounds of wind accent how immensely mind-numbing this experience is.

Complete darkness. Inability to move.

…

…

…

One of the shrine's doors slide open. If it's something coming to eat me, they're getting a severe headbutting.

A figure walks in the darkness, holding a lantern. She looks around the room, and her face lights up upon seeing me.

Her hair was black, with red and white highlights. She had a largely white dress, and some crazy arrow pattern for her skirt.

"Fred Fuckstone?" She questions. "That you?"

Fred Fuckstone.

"Yes." I declare. "I am indeed Fred Fuckstone."

She nods. "...Good family name. You're a mage, right?"

"Sure." Definitely.

"Alright, they didn't lie to me, then. That's good, I need a mage." She smirks, moving to undo my ropes with some sort of piece of jagged metal.

...Who is 'they'?

…

In moments, my ropes are undone.

She grins at me. "Seija Kijin. You're coming with me."

Before we do that… "I would like to retrieve a few implements from the shrine's interior."

"...Oh, right, yeah, your staff." Seija nods. "Hurry up. If that shrine maiden wakes up, you're the hostage."

I'm pretty sure she wouldn't mind that.

Moving to the kitchen, I look around…

The sink's still full of blood. It's all dried up, now.

...I find my dash scissors, and my steel scissors on the counter next to the sink, though. I wonder if she put two and two together…

Unfortunately, I never got to see her reaction.

I move back into the shrine room…

Seija looked down at my hands… "...Where's the staff?"

"I cast with scissors." I inform her. "You see, I am an edge mage. No one expects it."

…

Seija sighs. "Whatever, come on. Stick close to me, or something'll _eat_ you."

That, I'm sure of.

We advance out of the shrine in the cloudy cover of the night.

/ / / / IN THE DARK OF THE NIGHT / / / /

"Fuck you…" Seija points into some bushes.

"...Woah, woah, wooaaa~h!" A cream-haired fairy girl starts floating up, up, and away, falling into the sky.

"Fuck yo~u…" Seija points at a tree.

"Hey, hey, hey! Damn it!" A wolfman flies from the tree, falling into the sky, too. "Rooaaa~gh!"

"A~nd, fuck you." Seija points her middle finger at another tree.

A bird youkai falls up into the sky, before she begins flapping her wings, flying upside down. "Woaa~h, ooaa~h… I-I'm gonna be sick…"

This is highly amusing.

...Seija turns to me, frowning. "You like that, don't you?"

I snort. "What, and you don't?"

She flips me the bird. How rude.

...I begin falling upward.

This is most unfortunate.

"...Aaaaaah!" I casually yell as I begin falling above the treetops, and into the sky…

Then, gravity shifts again, and I begin soaring back down into the woods…

Even though the youkai catches me in her arms, the impact's still a son of a bitch. "Ghh…"

Seija grins down at me. " _There_ we go."

I'm having a hard time deciding whether this youkai makes a good companion, or an irritating enemy.

We continue into the woods, Seija now having a skip to her step.

"I assume those youkai were going to eat me?" I make idle banter.

"Oh, no. They probably thought _I_ was going to eat you." Seija shrugs. "I sent them flying because fuck them."

As good of a reason as any.

"...Actually, I sent them flying because they hurt my family, and bullied me, and killed my friend." Seija suddenly declares.

Still as good a reason as any.

...She sighs. "I sent them flying because…"

…

"You know what? You wanna go for a ride, again?" She glares down at me.

Maybe. She's just gonna pull me back down. The only bad part is the landing…

Before I know it, I'm above the trees again. This sucks.

...I soar back to the forest floor, landing in Seija's arms, again.

And it hurts. Not terribly, but it does.

She smiles down at me. "Did it feel good?"

"You make no sense." I decide.

Eventually, we come to a clearing in the woods. There are logs around a bonfire, meant for sitting.

Seija floats up to them, and plops me down on one log.

Let's see my company, here…

Across from me, there is a humongous, tall fluffle looming over the bonfire, taking up the entire log. For some reason, it seemed to have a constant shade of lighting around it, even though different parts of its body were exposed to light.

"honh" It booms.

Charming.

...On the left log, there's some green-haired fop with antennae, looking pumped about something.

On the right log, there's a very nervous green-haired girl with what looked like dog ears being held in place by night fairies.

"Ca~lm doo~wn, Kyouko-cha~n…" The one with an elaborate headdress filled with purple sparkles drawls. "Seija-sama's gonna make you real happy…"

The other one, whose hair covered its eyes, unenthusiastically patted Kyouko's shoulder. "Ye-yeah… Sei-Seija-sama… is good."

Fabulous fairy turns to her meek companion with annoyance, and furrowed brows.

"honh" The squished, stretched, poorly illuminated tall fluffle booms.

"Aaa~h, shut up!" Seija shouts up at it. It doesn't seem to react.

Seija sits next to me by the fire, making sure to keep her distance.

...She looks between us all, and nods. "...Alright, wise guys, here's the score…"

The other youkai nearby turn to pay attention to her.

"Rule number one," Seija begins, "It's my way, or you're a dead motherfucker way. Take your pick. There ain't no more rules."

...Kyouko and the green-haired fop tense up, to Seija's delight.

"Tomorrow, at sundown." Seija pans around to looks at everyone. "We're gonna flip the human village bank."

Tomorrow at sundown? Odd timing.

The green-haired fop speaks. "...Wh-why tomorrow at sundown?"

Seija glances at him… her…? "Because you touch yourself at night."

…

"O-oh…" The green-haired fop blushed, fidgeting in his or her seat. Their seat.

"honh" The tall fluffle boomed again, snow falling from nearby trees.

"That's it." Seija stood. "Go away."

She waves at it, and the fluffle is flipped onto its head.

The ground shakes as it slowly tips over, crushing a nearby tree.

…

"honh" It boasts.

"Okay, who's bright fucking idea was it to invite… that?" Seija begins looking around, angry. "I want names!"

"It-it just ah- showed up!" Green-haired individual of unknown gender stutters. "...I-I don't know."

Seija turned to Kyouko.

"...Pl-please, let me go…" Kyouko shook in her seat.

Seija nodded, smiling. "Oh, okay. Go ahead."

…

Kyouko tilted her head. "Re-really?"

"No." Seija sighed. "Who do you think I am?"

...Taking a moment to think, the girl responds. "...A-a nice person deep down… who's in hard times?"

…

Seija's hands begin grabbing at the air. "You're about to catch a one-way ticket to _outer space_."

Kyouko began shaking anew. "O-oh, no! Please! No~!"

The fabulous fairy jeers at her. "Hahaha~! You fucked up! You~ fu~cked u~p!"

"No! No, no!" Kyouko begins flailing her arms at her, and the fairy flails back.

...The other fairy idly watches them. "Ha, ha. You're… in trouble."

...Seija gives a half smirk, and begins walking away. "Meeting's over. If you're not outside the human village bank at sundown, I'll find you myself. Probably tie you to a rock, and toss you in the lake, or something."

With that, she gives us a little wave. "Peace."

The two night fairies floated up and after her. "Seija-sama!"

"Seija-sama…"

…

That just left me, Kyouko, and this guy, or girl.

"honh"

We don't speak of that one, though.

…

Seija floats back for a moment. "Oh, almost forgot…"

She points at the bonfire, and it begins floating away.

"Cool. See ya." With that, she rushes off again.

I gaze up at the bonfire as it slowly leaves us, the air carrying away not only the warmth, but the fire itself, and everything the fire stood for.

It is now dark.

…

Kyouko looks to me, I think. "I-I can take you back to the temple, if you want…"

Actually… "Do you know the house of a certain Alice Margatroid?"

She pauses. "U-uhm… yeah. Yeah. Were you staying with her?"

Sure. "Indeed. I would like an escort back, as I do not know the way."

The actual problem is night youkai.

...The green-haired fop was leering at me, so I assume he-she wasn't going to be of much use.

"No problem…" Kyouko stands up, and begins moving. "Follow-"

"Actually!" The fop makes himself known. "I-I can escort him!"

Kyouko turns. "A-ah?"

"Yeah, I can do it." His demeanor shifts to an awkward yet confident sort. "I-I mean, it's not a big deal. It's just what I do."

...Kyouko looks at me for confirmation.

...You know what? "Why not _both_ of you?"

The fop shakes his head, and crosses his arms. "No~ way. I got things to do. I'm a busy, uhm, bug, you know."

...Kyouko frowns at him.

He fidgets. "...We~ll, I mean… maybe I'm not that busy? I-I still am, it's just…!"

Walking ahead, Kyouko beckons me to follow her with a barely visible gesture of her arm, so I begin moving towards her…

"Wait- I just!...Uugh…" The green fellow gives up on following us, remaining back at the site the bonfire used to be.

We proceed into the woods ahead, Kyouko leading the way…

"I can hardly see you move." I inform her.

She doubles back, and grabs my sleeve. "Shhh…" She shushes me.

It seems we are performing stealth.

The pace of the walk changes rapidly, from Kyouko practically running at times to us slowing to a crawl.

Eventually we stop just in the woods outside the path that lies before the Hakurei Shrine.

...I glance at Kyouko questioningly.

"...Where the hell is that human!?"

A wolfman walks out from the bushes next to us, and proceeds onto the path. "I smell 'em, but I don't see 'em!"

Skittering up to him, a spider girl reveals herself from across the path. "I kno~w, right? Case of the disappearing human, or what?"

…

"He stopped." The wolfman observes. Then, they look in our direction.

Kyouko, you'd better know some martial arts.

She tenses up, but cups her hands around her mouth. "...Smell 'em, don't see 'em!"

The wolfman's voice came out of her mouth, it seems.

On the path, the two youkai shake their heads.

"Damn. Asshole probably got a fresh kill." The wolfman began trudging off, disappointed.

Sighing, the spider girl skittered away. "Da~mn. Guy's got a snout, though. Gotta give 'em that."

Kyouko sighs in relief. "A-ah…"

It's rather unfortunate that I don't have my arsenal with me. Theoretically, I could strangle them to death, though… if I had the strength of ten men.

"C-come on…" She grabs my sleeve again, and begins weakly tugging.

Holding my arm forward, I dash across the path with the small girl, entering the outskirts of the magic forest on the other side.

"We're almost there…" Kyouko whispers to me. "You're doing good."

If I wasn't doing good at keeping quiet, I'm pretty sure I'd be dead. I'm also quite glad the snow has begun to melt to reasonable levels.

As we delve deeper into the magic woods, I walk into Kyouko who had stopped abruptly before me, accidentally displacing her a little and creating rustling.

The spiders before us don't seem to notice, however.

"Damn it all!" A very happy spider exclaims, banging her arms against a tree trunk.

"...It's okay, Webs." A smaller, blue-haired spider girl pats her friend's back. "There's always next time."

"...My name's Wanasa!" She snaps at the other spider girl, before shooting web at her.

"Wha- hey!" The other spider girl gets all tied up. "...Webs! We~bs!"

'Webs' begins skittering away, passing Kyouko and I as she flees.

…

"...Webs…" The blue-haired spider girl began working her arms to free herself of the web, slowly.

As we continue, I sight peculiar things.

Spider girls, seemingly unconscious in the snow, along with entire trees wrapped in web. Large spider webs hung from a few sizable trees, and some wide, straight webs seemed to have crudely constructed catapults in them.

We near the house in the dead of night, where there is little but highly disturbed snow, and Alice's house.

Alice's marginally battered house, in any case. Dolls floated outside with building materials, working on the roof.

"Wh-what happened, here…?" Kyouko cupped her hands around her mouth.

Conflict.

...I proceed to the door of the house, with Kyouko timidly following behind.

Knock, knock, knock.

…

The door swings open, shedding dim light on us, and Alice awaits me on the other side. "Oh. It's just you."

"Greetings." I wave at her.

...She moves to her table, sits down, and raises her cup of tea.

...Kyouko shakily steps in behind me, and we both sit at the table, as well.

Alice smiles. "Hello, Kyouko. What brings you here?"

"H-he asked me to escort him here…" Kyouko points at me. "I was just doing my duty…"

"...I see." Alice gives me an unreadable stare, before getting up. "Wait here, both of you."

She recedes into her room to retrieve our goods.

…

Moments later, she emerges, holding a large bag, and a dark grey pair of wooden scissors.

"Here." She tosses the back to Kyouko, and it thumps against the table.

"O-oh, you didn't have to…!" Kyouko tears into the bag, revealing pure sugar inside.

"Hey, hey." Alice scoffs at her. "Don't tear into it here. Take it home."

"Ye-yes!"

With that, Kyouko gets up and begins hastily navigating out of the house, leaving the door open as she power walks away with the bag of sugar.

Once she's gone, I smile at Alice. "I would like my merchandise."

Alice smiles back. "I would like my payment."

…

Ah.

The flowers. Yes. The ones I _left_ at Sekibanki's house.

...Alice sighs. "...I'm not stupid enough just to give it to you, you know."

"I left the payment elsewhere." I state idly.

"Of course you did." Alice folded her arms. "Might I ask where?"

Home. "The abode of a Miss Sekibanki, a headless youkai person."

Alice nods. "Aa~h. I won't ask." She begins floating. "I can go get it, for you." She looks down at the scissors… "I'll even give you these… hmm." She looked outside. "...On second thought, I'll go in the morning. I'm sure Seki wouldn't appreciate me, this late."

Unfortunate, to be certain.

Alice begins heading for her room. "You may use the guest room, for the time being."

She gestured to it, and its door swung open, the glistening of a steel wire giving away what she did.

Stopping before her own door closes, she turns to me from inside.

"I lock all my doors. If you open any door that's not the front door or the guest room door, I can't ensure your life. Good night."

With that, her door closes. Two dolls fly from the shelves, and stand in front of it like guards, gazing up at me.

How cute. I'd approach them, but they hold rather pointy looking lances.

Instead, I move into my guest room. Inside, there are some very unkempt beds, one of which has a problem.

"honh honh honh"

"Waaa~l!"

A _big_ problem.

The leftmost bed appears to have burst into fluffles, and iis a writhing mass of them under a blanket, all circulating around a bedframe.

"help im stuck"

"im sniffable friend"

"cmere"

"friend"

"sniff sniff"

Okay.

...I move towards the rightmost bed, which seems to be fine.

I clamber into it.

…

Something fluffy crawls up next to me.

"we're snug"

…

I grab it, and remove its head from its tubby torso with a strained motion. Lying down doesn't make it easy, but…

Ri~p!

Dust to dust.

…

I feel something wiggling under me.

"huhuhuhuh"

It's gonna be a long night.

/ / / / MULTI-MAN MELEE / / / /

The next morning, Alice opens up the door to the guest room…

I punt a fluffle into the wall.

"oo~f!"

The fluffle flew disproportionately fast into the wall, and exploded into a shockwave of dust.

Six other fluffles rushed to my legs, and stood there.

One of them headbutted my ankle.

...I nudge my ankle towards a few of them-

"oo~f!"

"oo~f!"

"woaa~h!"

The three fluffles I clip nearly fly into the wall at similar speeds, but they stop just before it, twirling into the floor. Then, they get up, and gingerly approach me again.

One of the fluffles at my ankles is slapping it with its fins.

I lift up my foot, and stomp on it-

"oo-woa-oo~f!"

It impacted my shoe twice, heavily, enough to somehow throw me off balance. Then, it soared into the roof.

Bam! It exploded into dust, scattering a small cloud of dust across the ceiling.

"...Just what is going on in here?" Alice disdainfully questions.

A fluffle runs towards me, doing a spinning flip off the bed, before having second thoughts and falling backwards towards the bed.

...I walk up to it and punch it.

"oo-wooa~h!"

It explodes against the wall.

I'm not sure why they've become disproportionately weak, but I don't think this is the time to question that.

Alice steps into the room, accidentally kicking a fluffle as she does so-

"oo~f!"

More sand against the wall.

"I'm going to the human village to retrieve my payment." Alice precariously glances around the fluffle-filled room as she informs me.

A fluffle tries to leap onto her, but a doll comes out from behind her back with a pointy spear.

Shi~ng!

"huwoa~h!"

Instead of being impaled, the fluffle flies at the wall at mach speed, exploding into dust.

The impact on the wall was great enough to leave a dent, and for the dust to splash back towards Alice.

"Here." Alice takes the scissors from her pocket, and tosses them at me.

I fumble to catch them, and clasp them between my hands.

She then holds up her hand, and I glow orange for a second.

The magic fades as I look down at my hands, the bright glow fading…

"Tracking spell." Alice justifies, turning around. "Nothing personal. Just have to make sure, you know."

Behind her back, there's a small cloud of armed dolls, all pointing their various weapons at me. There's also a doll stationed at the back of Alice's neck, hugging it.

I look down at the scissors.

...Pretty stylish. I slip my fingers into the rings, and snip a bit with it. I'd have to insert my magic to find out what it does.

...I do, however, hear spooky ghost noises. It seems my scissors have a guest over, today.

Looking back up, I note that Alice has already left.

Moving back into the main room, dolls are seen stationed around all the cabinets and tables, standing sentry.

I think I got the memo, by now.

Actually… even though my stuff is in the human village, I'm willing to bet that, between Keine and Reimu, the place is being locked up tight.

Against me.

...I think I'm going to need a new pair of shoes.

Alice is a tailor, isn't she? She just left, however…

Those dolls do not look friendly, either.

...A fluffle scurries from the room, and attempts to scurry up to a shelf. Upon making contact, the dolls lock their eyes on it.

Spears fly across the entire room.

Shi-shi-shink-shink!

The fluffle became a swirling cloud of dust.

All the dolls derive a new spear from parts unknown.

Tables are apparently off-limits. Duly noted.

...Progressing back into the guest room, I look to the closet door for answers.

Inside, there are shrine maiden outfits, witch outfits, and maid outfits, all of which correspond accurately to people I've seen before.

As ironically amusing as the maid and shrine maiden outfits would be, I'm going to have to go with the fluffy witch outfit…

That's a really big hat, which I assume is also good at hiding faces. It's poofy.

…

The only thing I couldn't change well was my shoes, ironically. The type of shoes Marisa wears _do_ work, even if a very, _very_ snug fit. They also raise the heels up, for whatever ungodly reason.

I have no idea how women walk around like this. This shoe design is unintuitive as hell.

I'm tempted to saw the bottoms off, or something, but I don't think I have any good tools for that, at the moment… and sawblades could only spell bad things in this house, and in this forest.

Clumsily, I step towards the door, and make my way outside, clad in witch gear.

...Now, to make my way to the human village, and reclaim what is mine.

/ / / / ON THE ROAD TO BEING A POKEMON CHAMPION / / / /

Wooden scissors.

Right now, I'm on the road of the… I don't think this road has a name, actually. It's just that one road outside the Hakurei Shrine that leads to the human village.

Hmm.

...I probably shouldn't be caught by Reimu in this outfit. If she sees me from afar, she'd probably guess that I was Marisa. Then there'd likely be no shaking her, which would lead to being blown away by giant yin-yang orbs again.

Not my proudest moment.

A fairy lands on the path in front of me.

It's a Cirno.

She points at me. "Stop right there, witch!"

...I wave at her.

"We've got a score to settle!" She puts her hands to her hips. "Eye'm gonna beat the fluff outta that hat of yours!"

...I suppose now would be a good time to test these wooden scissors of mine.

Cirno darts back down the path, twirling in the air. "Eye'll even defeat you with _this_ spell! Ice Sign, Icicle Fall, Easy!"

From the back of her wings came pale blue danmaku, in the same shape as her wing's shards. They slowly flowed towards me like a calm blanket of snow…

Brandishing my dash scissors, I quickly weaved upward towards her, closing the distance she created in moments. I was a little off-balance once I got to her, but it wasn't a big deal, it seems.

The blanket of ice crystals ceased just behind me, leaving me to sit in front of Cirno.

Cirno had her arms folded, a confident expression on her face as she stared me right in the eyes.

"Hmhmhm~!" She hummed happily to herself, hyped.

…

I poked her with the wooden scissors.

"Hey, hey…" She batted my arm away with hers. "You're supposed to be in the danmaku."

"The danmaku's supposed to be in me." I counter.

…

"Maybe I shoulda used the normal card…" Cirno stroked her chin. "I thought this one was gonna surprise ya, too!..."

I was surprised until I accidentally stumbled into this huge, overbearing blind spot, anyway. Here I thought it was going to be a sloppy stabfest while I got pounded by danmaku up close, but this is fine, too.

Glancing around awkwardly ahead of me, Cirno frowns. "U-uhm… Don't shoot?"

This is as good of a time to test these new scissors as any.

I begin channeling mana into it…

…

The subtle howl from the scissors becomes audible, as the arm that holds it becomes shaky. My muscles tense throughout my entire body, as if being flooded by adrenaline in a brisk wave.

It feels so good it hurts… or maybe it just hurts.

My heartbeat pounds through my entire body, as I awkwardly jerk my arm forward a foot, and then jerk it towards Cirno.

Pi~chun!

One stab to the chest pops the fairy, and I stop channeling mana to the scissors.

…

I immediately drop to my knees, hyperventilating for a moment, before catching my breath…

...My head feels faint, but the strength in my muscles begins to return.

Standing, I wobble a bit as my balance comes back, little by little.

…

Something's still missing, but I can't put my finger on it. This is the kind of thing you have to get used to, with cursed weapons. Pleasingly, this weapon met my expectations of something that came from a big, ominus tree's bark.

I'll probably have to use it sparingly, though. It'd probably consume my soul or something if I abused it. That would be embarrassing… and fatal.

At a comfortably slower pace, I make my way to the village walls…

/ / / / FORZE DEL MALE / / / /

The guard furrows his brows at me as I approach.

…

He doesn't say anything to me, though.

…

I suppose I'll have to say something…

"Hello." I greet him. "Do you want to see some magic?"

…

…

That went well.

"Fwzoo~!" I exclaim, holding up my arms. "Zazap!"

…

The guard turns to open the gate. "Behave yourself, youkai. The miko is in the village, today."

I figured as much.

Walking forward, I take to the village streets. Then, I take to the village back roads, because Reimu and Keine would likely be a holy war which I wouldn't walk away from.

The back roads are filled with little of interest. There's an occasional, curiously nosy guard, but aside from that, there is little else present in these back alleys.

Eventually I come out in front of Sekibanki's house. I move to cross the street-

"You know not what force you reckon with!"

A dark mage in elaborate robes hustles down the road, using his giant, decorated staff as a walking cane as he shoots spreads of dark bullets backwards.

Large yin-yang orbs bowl into the bolts, and into him.

"Guh! Huagh!" He stumbles back, managing to not get totally crushed by the blows.

Bam!

The final orb snaps his staff in half, which he throws to the ground. "You have cast us into a new age of darkness, Hakurei miko!"

"Do you have to be so melodramatic about it…?" Reimu walked up to him, scratching the back of her head.

I back further into the alleyway, because being seen like this is a total no-no.

Reimu glances in my direction, and glances back at the fancy edge mage.

He shoots his arms into the air, "Behold, Hakurei! This is the power of a _true magician!_ "

A pentagram forms around him on the dirt path, and Reimu floats back, out of it.

The pentagram turns, glowing a faint purple in the overcast light, before-

Krakoo~m!

A spider girl appeared, grinning devilishly at Reimu. "Ooo~h! Is this a girl I see? What a trea~t…!"

Reimu sighed. "Dream Sign! Evil Sealing Circle!"

A shitstorm of amulets flew from her sleeves and clothes, shooting out to surround the spider girl and the mage.

The arachnid looks around. "Wh-what…!?"

"Don't just stand there!" Magician man yells. "Show him the power! The power of the spider!"

...She grins. "Absolutely."

She attempts to skitter up to Reimu, and walks through the rivers of amulets on the way there.

Sla-sla-slap! Sla-slap-ap-ap-ap-ap…

The spider lands back in front of the mage, covered in glowing amulets.

"Foolish mortal!" He kneels over the spider girl. "You have forsaken us!"

"A-asshole…" She gasps out at the mage.

The circle fully formed around them.

Glaring at Reimu, the mage clenches his fists tightly. "The gods have forsaken you, Hakurei miko! Forsaken you!"

For a moment, the circle stands still, the loud shifting of amulets pausing.

Reimu speaks. "...Because I could use these holy powers without a god. Sure."

Then, power surges through the circle.

"Foolish! Foo~lish!" He doesn't have much else more to add to the conversation.

There was a bright flash, forcing me to shield my eyes.

...When it faded, the mage sat on his knees in the middle of the circle.

Reimu walked up to him, arms folded.

…

"Guess that's that, then." Reimu looked away, and back towards my position.

I~t's hiding time!

"Hold on… Ha-Hakurei…" Standing again, the mage spread his arms. "...I-I am deeply apologetic. Your actions cleansed me. Allow me to express my gratitude."

…

Reimu backed away from him, staring at him dryly. Behind her, a clone of ofuda started to form…

"Sure. I don't see why not."

Reimu held up her gohei, producing a momentary bright flash. When it was gone, she was behind her ofuda-generated clone. The clone stepped towards the man, and Reimu herself followed in its footsteps, hiding herself.

...When the clone went to hug the mage, he pulled a dagger.

Shink!

…

The clone fell apart, ofuda fluttering to the floor.

...Baffled, the mage looked down at the ground, then up at an impatient looking Reimu.

"...I can explain?" He grinned.

From above the rooftops, a yin-yang orb flew into him.

Bam!

...That seems to be her favorite finishing move.

I move into the back alleys, unwilling to risk myself further by watching the spectacle. Weaving in and out of various turns, I eventually make it to some stacks of plywood. I move behind the plywood, and lie in wait, moving some over myself for concealment.

…

I wait for awhile.

…

Awhile.

Guards pass me. Those that notice give me a curious glance, but ignore me.

…

An edgy mage runs out from around the corner, trailed by an archer. It seems the robed fellows are now outlaws.

…

I feel like it's definitely been long enough, but I'm going to wait a bit longer. There's no way Reimu'd comb the same area for thirty minutes, I'm sure, but… I've got a hunch she _would._

…

Alright, I'm-

"I thought I saw her…"

Reimu idly floats past me, scratching her cheek. "...Guess she took off."

With that, Reimu floated up into the sky.

…

So she did. She seems to be annoying, like that. I'm not sure whether to call that intuition, or being a psychic.

With the hope that she won't be making any return trips, I take a simple route back to the street and to Sekibanki's house. Noticeably, the mage and his spider girl companion are absent.

I move up to the door, and knock.

…

The door opens a crack, and Sekibanki gives me a good stare.

…

She closes the door. I hear it click, locking.

"...Please?" I request. "I offer my sincerest apologies for my transgressions."

"Go away." Sekibanki's voice is muffled by the door. "You're not welcomed here."

Well if that's how it's going to be...

I give the door a good look, and glance at the hinges, then at the door knob…

Time to test kicking doors open!

Positioning myself, I aim for the area below the door knob. That's where the opening mechanism is, right? So, if I shake it up with an impact…

Lifting my leg, I kick the door.

Bam!

...It did not, in fact, open.

"Wha!?" Sekibanki doesn't sound happy. "What are you doing!?"

Second verse, same as the first.

Lifting my leg, I try again.

Bam!

…

I might need a little more firepower than this. I happen to not be a video game hero. My leg's tired, too.

"Go away!" Sekibanki shouts.

...Twirling out the cursed scissors, I stare at them.

Time to take the magical steroids!

Channeling mana into it, I focus…

…

My heart begins pounding, and my blood voices the low, echoing howl of the scissors… by which I mean, my blood rushes, which hurts a bit. For a moment, my muscles spasm, before the spasming becomes subtle.

...This probably isn't good for me, but I feel _great_.

Focusing on the door again, I lift my leg, and plow it into the door.

Bam!

The door slams open so fast that it hits the wall on the inside, rebounding towards me, only to bounce off of me. A dent is left where I kicked.

Then, I stop channeling the mana.

"By the way…" I grin at Sekibanki, who greeted me with a bewildered expression. "I left my stuff here."

...Moving to walk, I drop straight to the floor, my muscles numb.

Thud.

Sekibanki stares down at me. "...Wh-what the hell did you _do!?_ That was my door!"

Urging myself to begin moving, I begin scrambling onto my limbs. "We-well, you know… I-I needed to retrieve my ev-every…" Why must my lungs need air mid-sentence? "Everythings."

That fairy maid is still at the table, eating from a basket full of crackers. "...Damn. Even Komi can't kick doors that good."

I throw myself at the display case, grabbing my stuff from inside. The bag was noticeably fiddled with, which I assume was Alice's doing. It also felt a slight lighter… what did she take? Hmm.

"Get out!" Sekibanki moves to grab me, but I wobble around, before collapsing onto the table. I grab the peppermint bowl, and start raking peppermints into my mouth…

Sweet relief.

Sekibanki throws an arm towards me.

A stream of round danmaku riddles my face. Which hurts like _you wouldn't believe_.

"G-gaah…" I gasp through the candy in surprise, peppermints falling from my mouth. Grabbing the bowl, I wrap an arm around the fairy.

"Wha-hey, big guy!" She stares at me in slight agitation. "At least invite me to dinner, first!"

Dragging her, I trudge slowly out of the house, as Sekibanki gets an occasional potshot in on me, hesitant to go overboard. Once I leave the house, she slams the door behind me, and it loosely floats inward again.

She might need a new door.

"Hmm hmm hmm~!" I hum with my mouth full, charging off as fast as my heavily sedated legs can carry me, between the recent lifelessness and the new surge of sugar in my mouth. They're feeling pretty confused.

We eventually blend into the dark alleys, while I look for a good place to deposit my good for the time being…

…

"So~, is this one of them 'set up your friend to be kidnapped', things?" Koi grins. "Because I am _all_ for that."

"Hmm." I hum. It's going to be awhile before this candy screws off…

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

CHAPTER 40.5 END

PROTAGONIST: Matthew, the Debatably Sane Outsider, Lord of Edges, Scissor-Slinging Slasher

PRIMARY WEAPON: Bloodied Steel Scissors - Stained lightly with fresh blood from a young human female. Sharp, shiny-ish, and to the point!

INVENTORY:

Steel scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Quick Scissorang - Non-elemental scissors that are enchanted to return to the owner with ferocity. Not that powerful of a weapon, but combined with strong string it can be used like a powerful grappling hook. Looks like it belongs in a Barbie catalog.

Flame Scissors - Fire-elemental scissors that have an incendiary effect on strike. Boosts fire magic and abilities, as if I had any. Enchanted to grant 20% fire resistance, and reduce discomfort near fire.

Dash Scissors - Succubus training tool. Allows for horizontal quick-dashes, for dodging and agility purposes. Doubles as scissors for kinky, cloth-cutting occasions. Or stabbing. Sleek, black design.

Cursed Wooden Scissors - Forged from the bark of the Saigyou Ayakashi, and bent to shape by a masterful magician well versed in the material arts… it's a pair of wooden scissors. Produces low whistles and howls. Channeling mana into it gives user an immense physical boost, but it seems to come at a price...

Steel-alloy String - An experimental item provided by Alice as part of her testing. She uses these herself to manage her dolls, or so I'm told.

A Tuft of Cloth Strings - Pink, regular cotton string. It's soft, and clean.

A Fluffy Hooligan - Soft, and warm to the touch. Ech!

(one more empty space)

PARTY:

Rebomb Fluffle, the Fluffle - Soft, and warm to the touch. Ech! Has a gag on to keep it from casting Rebomb over and over again, which would be a very bad time.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Rebomb - Advanced bomb spell that blows up the nearby vicinity with random bombs. Very random damage.

Koi, the Explosion Elemental Fairy Maid - Perverse and playful, she's one of those who still are loyal to Komi. Still notably perverted post-incident. Speculation says she was born because Flandre made one too many things go 'kyuu', and thus the precedence of explosions caused a fairy of the corresponding setting element to appear. Orange hair… looks like Sunny Milk in a way, but taller, and a bit bubbly in a different way...

PRIMARY WEAPON: Slow streams of exploding danmaku bullets, which have scarce danmaku shrapnel. Might aswell be support due to the speed…

INVENTORY:

Finsticuffs.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

home

trade-off weapons are fun; took a BIT OF WORKING but that one's IN THE FRAY NOW

i resolved for matt to get equips a bit faster, mostly because he gets noticeably less chapters than i do o w o

also, if you noticed the fact there's two matts this update, daz because we're keeping a pattern of "one matt chapter every three me chapters", and i think that works well enough

...which means next batch is back to the good ol one matt of the five or so

yeah his escaping was a total DEUS EX MACHINA but i figured getting him on the move again and sending in a new WAVE OF TOUHOUS would be interesting; lookin' forward to some RAIKO HYPE IN THE FUTURE (CA/N basically he was too lazy to explain it. oh ho ho. i bet no one even noticed how she just came out of the blue: "HI IM HERE TO SAVE YOU AFTER YOU JUST GOT CAUGHT")

yeah it is indeed UTTER BULLSHIT ISN'T IT; i don't see what it has to do with LAZINESS; more like IGNORANCE, THOUGH, unless you wanted me to stuff ya into the SHRINE FOR THE REST OF THE CHAPTER… (CA/N it is what we normal people call… A JOKE… terrible jokes are jokes too) (A/N wat. HELP.)

...we~ll, i've STILL GOT A WAYS TO GO, I GUESS…

this is what i get for resolving to never plan anything . w '... though, i'm beginnin' to HATCH SOME PLOTS...

as always, see you all next time!

CO-AUTHOR'S NOTE:

hello, this is mr matt aka satanslaughter mckillgore, your favorite/most hated edgy psychopath

we had some fun this time around, and i in particular probably had too much fun in making myself look like a total jackass, which was probably overdone somewhat

whatever the case, new equips and a fairy friend to do adventures with. woohoo

more things be in the works behind the scenes, so stay tuned if you didn't already close the page half a chapter ago!

P.S. im sorry (not sorry) to anyone who has Youmu as his or her waifu


	50. Freakin' speeders, dude! Ahhh, ahhh!

(in which there is sunshine and lollipops)

...Even when cold, this tea is freakin' _bitter_. Who drinks tea pure!?

"...When are you going?" Keine asks of me.

"As soon as I stop bein' bitter over this freakin' tea." I scrunch my face at the tea…

Reimu furrows her brows. "You just don't know what good tea tastes like."

I nod. "Yeah, I don't, 'cause I don't drink tea. I drink freakin' Kool-Aid." Yo ho ho~! It can't be good for me, but it tastes _great!_

"There's your problem." Reimu dismisses my complaints.

Friend… I need like, Kool Aid canisters. Actually, don't I have a few? Did I? I really need to keep track of these things… The only stuff I really remember is notable-ish crap, and plant hangers!

Reaching inside, I fish around for a Kool-Aid canister…

…

I pull out a nugget person.

"hi friend" The fluffle greeted me. It clung to my arm.

...Turning to Reimu, I begin trying to remove the fluffle from myself by rubbing it on her.

She wiggles away from me. "What are you doing…?"

"I-I just gots this itch…" C'mon, friend…

"...No." She rips the fluffle from my arm, and tosses it across the room.

Daw.

...Reaching in, I find…

Woah. This one… this one's not comin' out so easy…

Hnngh…!

After enough tugging, I pull out-

"Hello~!"

Yukari.

She holds her arms out, my sack falling out behind her as the gap she sits in expands to its normal-ish size.

…

"What're you doing here?" Reimu sighs. "I'm trying to relax."

Keine idly watches the exchange, sipping her tea...

"Just stopping by to check on my _favorite_ shrine maiden!" She props her arms up. "Am I not supposed to?"

Reimu snorts. "I'd like to see you try half the things you do with me on Sanae."

"Fufufu… And just what things do I 'do' with you, shrine maiden?" Yukari folds a fan over her face to hide her obvious amusement, because, y'know, we'd never guess that.

Reimu glares at her. "I'd beat you up, but I'm relaxing right now."

…

Yukari begins looking around the shrine idly, taking a moment to stare at Youmu and Keine, before glancing at me.

I wave at her. "Hello, friend."

"You received my letter, right?" She idly questions.

I nod. "Ye~p. Keine will be in the village by sundown, or you may consume my flesh and bones with fine dining utensils."

...Reimu's glare on Yukari hardens. Keine begins looking displeased, as well.

Smiling awkwardly, Yukari nods. "Good, good… I was wondering if it was going to be lost in transit."

You _gapped_ it. Unless you have a train station inside your gaps… which isn't entirely implausible.

...She turns to the source of her newfound fluster. "Oh, it's nothing, Reimu, dear. Just a joke between friends."

Wha- wait, y'freakin' noob!

"..." Reimu shakes her head, sighing.

"Oh, looks like she's rousing…" Yukari stares at Youmu, who peacefully stretches...

"Toodaloo~!" Yukari recedes into her gap, vanishing.

Totally didn't have the attitude of someone who was gonna drown me in alcohol! I gotta wonder why she even sent me that freakin' letter if she showed up literally _seconds_ later.

Oh, well. Fluffy gap demon works in mysterious ways… or maybe she's just got her hands full. With fluff, I assume.

...

Youmu straightens herself, sitting up idly.

Reimu slides her some tea, and the ghost gardener automatically accepts the cup, sipping from it.

"...Mmh." Youmu grunts her thanks.

"Welcomed." Her sentiment is recognized by Reimu.

…

I rise from the kotatsu! "Keine, I'm gonna go get your silly hat and accompanying accessories from the village."

She turns to me. "Ah… Do you know where it is?"

"Nope. Help." I hold out my arms…!

"...You saw my school room, right…?" She began rubbing the crusties from her eyes. "I keep spares in the closet in there."

Cool…

I wave at the friends. "Alright. Reimu, don't let the world end while I do my side quests and things."

"Don't count on it." Reimu snarks back.

With that, I proceed towards the shrine's exit…

Where in the frik did Ha-chan go, too? She literally just woke up next to me and it was all like, freakin'... geez.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I dare somebody to count how many freakin' times I've had to repeat this scene with the asshole guards in front of the village gate.

"Hold it, buddy." This _smug fuckface_ holds his hand out, instructing me to stop.

"Dude!" I hold out my arms. "Look at my fuckin' armor! I got _jacked up!_ "

"Hey, easy…" He backs up a bit, becoming a bit more clammy. "Just doin' my job. Geez."

He turns to open the gate, allowing me inside.

I give him a thumbs up. "Thanks, man."

"No problem."

About time one of them wasn't a complete freakin' enemy to the concept of transit.

Moving inside, the village exists as normal. People are walking around doing whatever the fuck all it is that one does in the human village. Seriously, what do they do all day?

...Then again, if my house was four rooms or less, I might not wanna spend a lot of time in there, either.

The street is about the same as it has always been, more or less. Except there's purple KKK members running around, trying to evade guards.

Not sure whether to call that an improvement or otherwise…!

I pass that one house I took refuge in for a while, previously. I wonder how it's doing?

The door's wide open, still. I decide to look into it…

Inside the house, I see Sarah! She's folding some robes, apparently…

As I step inside, she gasps, turning to me. She raises a flintlock!

"Yo~!" I put my arms up. "I ain't lookin' to be lit alive, yo!"

"Br-Brad…?" She lowers the flintlock. "U-uhm, sorry about that… Things have been… crazy, I guess. Sorry."

Dayum!

With a sigh, she lowers the flintlock onto the table, next to some folded robes.

"Just stoppin' by to see how things're goin'." I lower my arms… "Saw the front door open, and didn't know what I was uh, gettin' myself into!"

She giggled. "Yea~h, uhm… _fuck_ doors. Seriously."

Yeah!

Someone walks in from an- by which I mean the- adjacent room!

"Sarah-chan, who are you-"

Fred freezes before me.

What the _fuck!?_

"Y-you…!?" He points at me, and reaches for a staff that isn't on hand.

"He~y there son! I-I know we didn't get off on the best start, but-"

"Sarah, get the flintlock!" Fred yells at her. "Now!"

For whatever reason, she grabs it, but she doesn't aim it at anyone, thankfully. "Wh-what!? Why!?"

"That man is a youkai!" Fred points at me.

"No, son!" I wave my arms. "I _may've_ accidentally'd your Anti-Hakurei bullshit, but I ain't a yankee!"

Fred snarls. "Bullshit! You've come to finish the job, right!? Right!?"

Sarah looks back and forth between us, confused. "Fred!? Wh-what's going on!?"

"Shoot him! Let me get my staff!" Fred barks.

"Son, I come in peace!" I hold out my arm futily. "Me love you long time!"

Finally, Sarah gets a vague idea of the misunderstanding… "...F-Fred, he's okay…"

He was already in the other room. Noticing this, Sarah went to block the door.

"Get out of the way!" Fred orders.

The orders were ignored, and even countered! "No! He's okay! He gave me this house!"

Grimacing, Fred narrows his eyes. "The house with doors we _can't close._ "

Sarah winced, but continued… "...It-it's better than the alleys, right? We… we wou-would've died…"

I'd like to know exactly what happened here.

...Sighing, Fred brings his hands to his face, dropping his staff to the floor.

Cla-clank!

"Da-damn it, Sarah…" He's frustrated, friends… "Just- just let me _do this_ for you…"

…

"I feel like there's a whole story I'm missin' here." I voice my concern.

The two just stare at me for a moment.

…

"Co-come on in…" Sarah gestures for me to follow her into the other room.

Looking crestfallen, Fred grabs his staff, and begins strafing further into the room, lookin' like he wants to jump me.

I proceed inside, where there's a table to sit at. Sarah and Fred sit around it and…

...Uh~...

I point at the really big, tubby fluffle dancing in place in the corner. "Who is he?"

"...Training dummy." Fred summarizes.

"He just came home the other day." Sarah's gaze falls to the table. "We had no real choice but to let it in. All it does is stand in that corner, and dance."

Awwh.

"My spells and stuff don't work well on it, so I use it to train…" Fred surrenders information!

"Fluffy." I observe.

…

"What do you know about the manor gates?" He suddenly inquires.

Daa~h… "They're gatey." I blurt. That was almost entirely automatic...

Sarah visibly deflates. "Wh-why are you still going on, about that…?"

...Fred gives her a mixed expression. "Well…"

He's a freakin' pervert, yo. I don't wanna drop that bomb right now, though.

"If we do anything!" Loudly and abruptly, Sarah shouted. "We're finding my _brother!_ "

…

"Of- of course, Sarah…" Fred appears crestfallen.

...Standing up, I move towards the big fluffle. "He has a big forehead."

I hug the fluffle, nuzzling its forehead.

…

It's still dancing as I do this. Freakin' cuddly.

…

"Still wanna know about that gate?" I feel like a third wheel, here!

"N-no…" Fred shakes his head.

Alright, yo. "I'm gonna just be, uh… headin' out."

"Take us with you." Sarah requests. "If only for a little while."

Freakin'... "I don't intend to-"

"Please! I-I need to find my brother!" She holds her flintlock up to her chest, squeezing it, as she gives me those freakin' puppy dog eyes.

...Well, with a face like that…

Also, it's not safe to hold a flintlock like that!

"Alright, friends…" I consent. "We're gonna be doin' things my way, though. Any digressin' and side questin's on you guys to do."

"Ye-yes!" Sarah salutes me.

...Fred shakes his head. "He's gonna get us killed."

...Sarah furrows her brows, and elbows him.

"Hey…"

Leaving the house, the two tiny people trail along behind me as I begin moving towards Keine's school…

…

"Do-... do you think he'll recognize us…?" Sarah quietly poses another question behind me.

"He shouldn't." Fred lowly replies. "I don't think there are even any robed guys left."

On cue, a purple-robed bastard charges across the street ahead of us, being trailed by guards with bows.

"One of you _fucks_ has to learn to aim _horizontal!_ "

Their accuracy leaves something to be desired!

On the roof tops, a different, purple-clad mage spots us, and begins skittering away once we're in eyesight.

Friendly.

The other two don't seem to notice him, even though they were looking around cautiously. Freakin' noobs.

Before long, we arrive at Keine's school!

Or, y'know. What _used_ to be Keine's school.

Complex, purple graffiti now adorned the walls. Like, the place was a little vandalized before, but now it looks like a tornado hit it and threw purple paint cans everywhere.

Also, what's people's obsession with purple!?

"O-oh, god…" Sarah cups her hands around her mouth, which looks awkward because of the flintlock.

Fred growled. "...You set us up, didn't you!?"

I turn to him, impatient. "What the frik are you talkin' about!? I gotta fetch Keine's shit from her insane dwelling!"

...At that, Fred glares at me. "A likely story. Come on, Sarah. We're…"

...Sarah walks past me, towards the former school.

"Sa-Sarah…" He stutters, watching her.

…

"Are- are you- we can't!" Fred scrambles after her. "We're _going_ to die!"

"It's better than living in fear!" Sarah shouts back. "Maybe they have my brother! We _have_ to do something!"

Somethin' _seriously_ friktastic happened while I was away, and I have no idea what. What's with all of this doomspeak? I no know doomspeak!

The door of the school seems to have been left hanging open, so I proceed towards it. I can't remember if it was like that before, so~...

I walk inside and men in torn purple robes with axes.

"So then I grabbed th' bitch by the handlebars, and I-.."

"Look, mate, either you have the sharpener, or you-..."

"Joey, if y'don't have even an _ounce_ of my money, I'll-..."

They turn to me, glaring, ceasing all activity.

Sarah follows in behind me, and freezes. "...N-no…"

Fred notices the horde from behind us. "Yo-you _morons!_ "

"Back up!" I exclaim, pushing my 'party members' back with my arms.. "Backing up, backin' up! Beep, beep, beep!"

The axed men begin charging for us! Oh, fuck!

Picking up Sarah, I begin running away!

"C'mon, Fred!" Get your ass in gear!

"Gh…" With a frustrated face, he provides coverfire. "Thunder!"

Thwaa~sh!

A thunderbolt strikes one of the men-

Splosh!

 _Fountain of blood_. Holy _shit_. He was _gibbed!_

...That's a _lot_ of blood! Like, his stomach's almost like-

Alright, that's it, no staring. "It is time to advance in the opposite direction!"

Inside, a familiar kitty cat takes the moment to act.

Shi~ng!

"Take this!"

A woman's voice is heard in the crowd of axemen.

"You are mine!"

The hooligans inside the building begin doubling back, as the sounds of flesh being rended take dominance over their agitation. The five or so outside still continue towards us.

Aiming from my arms, Sarah shot at one of them.

Pow!

...My _ears!_

"Gahk…" The man who was struck crumpled up, clutching his chest.

Sarah leaps from my arms, and begins reloading. "Fred, hold them!"

"Fire!"

A meek fireball is launched, which ends up being parried by an oversized battleaxe.

So much for freakin' retreating...

"For the Kaiser!" One of them holds his axe high.

"Kaise~r!"

This place is a _huge mess!_ This entire village thing, I mean!

I brandish Flame Salvo. "Stay back, noobs!" Channeling mana into it, I begin suppressing them with fire, literally.

Fwoosh!

They back up from us, looking pensive about the flames…

Pow!

Gunshots are louder in person, you know. You see guns in video games go like 'papapapap', but it's really more like 'Boom!' and then moments of intense ringing.

Needless to say, I really wish it was like the former!

Sarah begins reloading again…

"Thunder Orb!" Fred holds his staff forward, sending a large orb of electricity forward.

Zazazap!

...A fried axeman drops onto his back.

The remaining axemen seem to realize how hopeless the situation is, and begin lowering their axes. That's probably a first for this kind of enemy! Usually they just throw themselves at you because they _know_ they're expendable, and they just want to kill one of your meaningful friends. The bastards.

"Drop 'em." I point at one of their weapons. "We happen to have deluxe retirement programs, yo. We'll get you a four-oh-one K."

They don't understand my strange alien terminology, but they do slide their axes into the dirt, holding their arms up.

I wait for the flames to die down before approaching them, the other two following behind me…

"Aaaa~h!" Screams of men come from inside the school. I see Aiko Kuro spin across the door frame, her bloody katana hands rending a man's torso from its lower extremities. Small, red, fleshy bits float through the air, before splatting on the ground…

You know what? "...I think we're gonna be goin' around the back, guys." I turn to them…

"No problem." Fred agrees wholeheartedly with this plan of action.

"Ye-yeah." Sarah does, too.

In that case, exit, stage right!

I move around the perimeter of the school, the noobs following along behind me as I look for some good openings…

Eventually, I think I find the window above Keine's office…

"Alright…" I look up at it. "Can you guys gimme a boost or somethin'?"

Fred stares at me dryly. "...How about you give _us_ a boost? _You're_ the tall one."

...Shit, he's right. "...Freakin', aight."

Sarah holds up her flintlock like a hammer by holding it from the barrel. She begins to climb onto my back with Fred's help, and then…

Sma~sh!

She smashes the window open because yeah.

"...Why did ya smash the window?" I inquire.

"...Are we not climbing in through it?" She looks down at me.

"He-hey! It's you!"

Sarah blanches, leaping from my shoulders quickly, "Aaa-aaa~h! Ka-Kaiser…!"

Yeah, that figures.

Fred's expression froze into one of tense nerves. "Ka-Kaiser…"

…

Backing from the wall, I get a good look at the smashed window, trying to think of a way to-

Boo~m!

The wall blows open!

Suddenly, in the distance, I see yin-yang orbs fly through the day time sky, along with amulets.

"Ho ho hoh…" The tubby, blonde-haired man inside the school steps out. "I knew those bombs would be a _choice_ investment! I knew it!"

Sarah aimed her flintlock at him. "I-I'm not scared of you! Not anymore!"

I assume this guy's this 'Kaiser' fellow. Anyway, he grins, and stuff. "Hah! You little twerps are shakin' in your little bitchy boots!"

Bitchy boots.

Pow!

Ti~ng!

The man held up his hand, a mirror-like shield forming around him. "Refle~ct!"

The bullet flew back towards Sarah, grazing her arm. "A-aa~h…"

"Hahaha!" He clutches his stomach as he laughs. "You'll make the finest prostitute yet!"

Wait, is sex trafficking a thing, then? How.

"You look so cute when you're-"

"Thunder!" Fred snaps.

Zap!

The tubby man dodges to the side, which is either proof that there is a higher power, or the lack thereof. "Huoh!"

...Then, he glares at Fred. "You stupid shota runt! I'll turn you into a woman!"

Shota's a word, here, too!? Or is that Yukari's auto-correct talking? The world may never know...

Hakurei amulets are still flying in the sky to the right of us. I guess Reimu's going Master Chief on some robed hoodlums, herself.

The Kaiser looks to the sky, and pales. "O-oh… The Hakurei is in town, I see. I suppose I'll have to save my heavy weapons for another time, then. Until then, my dearest Sarah-chan!" With that, the Kaiser moves to the back door, and-

Crack!

...The door is ripped open by Aiko.

Before this shit gets too insane, I bolt for the closet!

Swinging the door open, I-

...A black-haired girl stares up at me, fully clothed but tied up, rope gagging her mouth.

"Mmmph!"

Well, okay, then. 'Cause y'asked nicely, yo.

In here, I do indeed see some of Keine's outfits on the hanger rack. I take two copies!

"You have eluded me for the last time, human!" Aiko smirks. "Now you will feel what it means to defy me!"

"You're a bitch, Aiko!" Kaiser roars. "A filthy fucking _youkai!_ "

Lifting up the captive woman, I bolt for the back wall, with Keine's clothes slung over my back.

"Hah!" Aiko swings at Kaiser, who raises a katana of some kind to defend himself-

Cling!

She vanishes, and appears behind him. "It is _over!_ "

"Wha- huerk..."

Flesh tumbles to the floor.

Swish, swish!

I felt the _wind from that!_

"Mmm~!" The girl on my shoulder attempts to scream, having seen the carnage behind us.

Fred and Sarah have booked it, like sane people. They're not even nearby, anymore.

Rounding the corner into the alleys, I keep sprinting some ways…

…

Alright. Shit's done. I got the clothes, and I saved some random girl. Of like, a big number, I'm sure, but she can probably start a revolution or something.

Turning her around, I realize...

I realize I don't know how to untie rope!

"...Mmph." She seems more relaxed, her expression vain.

Alright, lemme just put down the ripped up fragments of the Keine outfits- goddammit they got sliced up.

Whe~lp! I'm pissed. "Fu~ck."

The captive girl gives me a concerned glance.

Well, I might as well untie her. Somehow.

…

Oh, hold the phone. I know the perfect thing…

Reaching into my sack, I draw Sharper Than Darkness. Yea~h, _this_ is the luck I was hoping to have…

Carefully, I slide it under one of the ropes, taking care not to cut her skin or anything, and-

Snip!

...The rope around her mouth falls.

"Th-thank you…"

Woo. Please be a seamstress, or something.

Next, I undo the hands… Snip!

"I-I have it, from here…"

She proceeds to untie herself smoothly and seamlessly, somehow.

I smile at her. "How're ya doin'?"

"O~h, fine. Here." She tosses me a single yen coin. "Go find yourself a nice woman."

Wat.

With that, she begins strutting off, moving her butt in an exaggerated manner.

…

I dunno what happened there, but I think I got ripped off! Freakin'...

Wait. Seamstress… Alice! Maybe Alice can fix this crap up… at a fee, of course. Ugh.

Can I just give her that book I got on amatuer fire spell casting? Freakin', yo…

Oh, well. Maybe she accepts mortgages.

Strutting away, I decide to leave the village, making a conscious effort to avoid the amulet and yin-yang orb storm that ensued.

Man… corrupt Kaisers, rampaging cat women, robe people, two traumatized tiny people… This place really _will_ fall apart if I don't get Keine back here by today. Seriously.

Quickly, I get on the move…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Brad-kun!" Ha-chan leaps at me from the woods.

"Oh, Jesus!" I flinch violently. "Du-dude!" Where the hell…!?

"I found friends!" She gestures behind herself.

...Cirno walks out from behind her. "He~y!"

Some generic sunflower fairy steps out, next. She takes the moment to nuzzle the sunflower…

Friends.

"Alright, Brad-kun!" She steps in front of them. "Meet Cirno-chan, Sniffle-chan, and Koishi-chan!"

 _Sniffle-chan_. Wait, what was that last one?

"Hi…" Sniffle-chan greets meekly.

…

"Come on, say hi, Koishi-chan." Ha-chan pouts.

…

Ha-chan furrows her brows at me. "Say hi back, Brad-kun!"

This is wei~rd, yo! "Hi, Koishi, among other friends." Being invismable makes it hard to talk to her.

Actually, who was it again? Someone with cloaking? Her name'd ended in _I_ , I know that… Nitori?

"Koishi's just kinda shy." Ha-chan wiggles a bit, then moves up to her. "But she's cuddly!"

Ha-chan hugs the invisible form. Koishi briefly blinks into existence, a surprised look on her face.

Koishi! That's who it was! How in the world did I-

She vanished.

-forget a touhou like her? Seriously, she- who is, I mean… oh, fuck. I'm getting Alzheimer's, yo…

Ha-chan released the girl-who-I'm-sure-had-pink-hair-at-least-or-was-it-green from her grasp. "See, Brad? Friends."

I'm losing my mind over here, Ha-chan. Don't you 'friends' me, yo.

"Well, friend, I'm headin' to Alice's." I tell her.

"Hmm?" Cirno tilts her head. "The puppeteer's place?"

"Sh-she's scary…" Sniffle-chan hugs her sunflower tightly.

"Don't worry!" Cirno presses her thumb into her chest. "Eye'll protect you! That evil puppeteer hasn't seen the likes of _me!_ "

You're about as believable as Donald Duck saying he can take on Kanako Yasaka.

Not accepting further input from our newfound collection of mooks, I continue into the woods ahead of us.

"Let's follow Brad-kun, guys!" Ha-chan turns to the two- three… "...Ko-...Koizumi-chan? Where'd you go?"

Koizumi-chan? Who the frik…

At least I was right about there being two people.

Ha-chan turns back to me, beaming. "Let's go!"

We march into the magical woods! It's daytime, so getting lynched's not one of my main concerns!

"Do you think she'll bake us a cake when we get there?" Ha-chan nearly squees.

"...Sure." I don't have the heart to tell her Alice's a _seamstress_ , not a _bakemeisterperson_.

"I'm gonna beat her up!" Cirno boasts. "If she's bakin' anything, it's gonna be us! Or a _poison_ cake! Or _people!_ "

I don't _think_ Alice eats people.

...Ha-chan looks back, concerned. "Our friend Kokoa-chan disappeared all of a sudden…"

Wasn't it Kokomo just a few moments ago?

As we delve deeper into the woods, noticeable amounts of cobwebs hung off of trees. A few spider girls sighted us, considering attack until they noticed I had multiple friends behind me.

Now if someone goes 'you better have at least six friends standing behind you' I can now be like 'well actually I have three but good enough'.

In the depths of the woods, as we got closer and closer to Alice's house, I started considering this to be more and more of a bad idea.

Entire trees wrapped with cobwebs. What looked like catapults crafted from cobwebs and loose branches formed a line into the woods in both directions, spider girls spinning twigs and sticks into balls, putting them into a small, square stick frame, and then launching them.

I feel like a ball of web wouldn't be that good of a siege projectile, but I dunno…

Also, there's a giant cobweb in the path ahead of us. Blocking the way.

"Freakin'..." I need to get this freakin' set of rags sewed, or I'm gonna get it up the ass from Yukari's strap-on!

…

...I turn to Ha-chan. "Get one our party members to do something, yo." Please.

Breaking from her idle state, she whirls around to face the two.

…

"Cirno-chan, I need you to do some jumping jacks!" Ha-chan decides.

"On it!" Cirno begins jumping in place.

Then, she requests something even more wasteful. "Sniffle-chan! I need you to use all your potions on me!"

Sniffle-chan complies, for whatever unholy reason. "Su-sure thing! Ha-chan!"

She tosses a green orb into the air, which splits into three and revolves around Ha-chan, before being absorbed.

She smiles back."Thank you!"

"H-Ha-chan!" Sniffles does it again.

It is absorbed into Ha-chan. "Thank you!" Oh, boy…

"I-I'll heal you!" Another potion tossed...

"Thank you!" ...and viciously consumed.

Alright, that's enough… "I meant get someone to cut through this web you _fluffy fairy_ friend."

…

"Oh." Another potion revolves around Ha-chan, healing her. "Thank you!"

Cirno was doing fake jumping jacks, now, just moving her limbs as she floated in the air. "Eye can do it!"

Breaking from her dishonest jumping jacks, she flew up to the web, and held up her arms. She's gonna conjure a sword, isn't-

"Cold Body! Super Ice Kick!" She grinned. "Hyah!"

Kli~ng!

She got stuck in the web, by the arms. However, her legs _did_ manage to kick straight through the web, akin to an ice spike.

"Here!" Sniffle-chan threw another potion into the air.

It revolved around Cirno, being absorbed into her. "...Eye feel great!" She began tugging at the web. "...Eye-Eye'm still stuck!"

Yeah, go figure. Turns out healin' magic don't defy physics like that.

Ha-chan furrows her brows. "Hmmm…"

"You could, uh, _freeze_ the web." I suggest. Put all those browsers on deep freeze, yo!

Cirno gets angry at that. "Don't tell me what to do! Eye've been in this situation before!"

Oof. "...What didja do to get out of it?"

"...Eye didn't."

Oh.

Another potion was absorbed into Cirno's being. "...Aa~h."

...Sniffle-chan pouts. "I'm out of potions…"

You maniac.

Ha-chan snapped her fingers. "Cirno-chan! You could _freeze_ the webs!"

"Hey…" Cirno paused. "...That's not a bad idea!"

The world is out to _eat_ me, dude.

In moments, the web was frozen. Cirno tugged a bit...

Shatter!

"Great idea, Ha-chan!" Cirno beamed. "You remind me of Daiyousei, except-..." She trails off, shaking her head. "Nevermind!"

Curious place to cut your sentence, friend.

Luckily, I'm the only person who noticeably dwells on that stuff here.

"Wha~t...?" Ha-chan turns to her, smiling.

Maybe I was wrong…!

"Except, uhm…" Cirno pauses. "... More… like… soft?"

Almost as smooth as me, yo.

...Ha-chan beams normally again. "Ya~y!" She does a cute lil leap.

"Stop!"

One of the many spider girls around us takes notice, and spins down towards us from web in the forest's canopy.

"What do you puny _fairies_ think you're doing?" The tan-haired spider girl scolds us, before setting her eyes on me, only for a moment.

"Beating up that strange puppet lady!" Cirno exclaimed. "She… she uh…" Cirno turns to us. "What did she do?"

"Went home." I offer warmly.

"...Yeah! She went home!" A detestable crime!

"...Oo~kay." The spider girl is sufficiently weirded out. Mission accomplished. "Well, if you wanna take a crack at her-"

"Look out!" A red-haired, black widow-esque spider girl with a tiara and everything, bolted past us, skittering quickly. "Get under something! _Now!_ "

Looking to a nearby, downed log, I duck under it. Spider women make themselves visible from the canopy, all having similar ideas to mine.

This includes like, three other spider chicks and Ha-chan stuck under this log with me. This would be hot, if the girls didn't have their spider appendages in my _face_ and like, yeah.

At least I'm not an arachnophobe!

…

Thu-thunk-thunk-thu-thu-thunk-thunk…

The trees are like, bombarded. Spears and arrows rain down across the land, and with them come Shanghai dolls. Up above the canopy, many archers begin sweeping the woods.

Thunk, thunk, thunk!

Our tree trunk's gettin' _trunked_ , dude!

Cirno flies out to engage them. "Minions of Alice! You are no match for-"

Shink!

Pi~chun!

Conglaturation! You have compelted a great game, and prooved the justice of our culture. Now go and rest our heroes!

Within seconds, all of the dolls fell back towards Alice's house, in a wave.

"...Oka~y!" The black widow came back out, gesturing for the spiders to follow. "Whoever's still alive, station the catapults!"

...A few spider girls fall back, less vigorous than before. Even more didn't seem to emerge from where they hid, presumably wasted by the dolls.

You know, I spent so much time fighting fairies, I kinda forgot that many other battles in Gensokyo are probably really freakin' deadly. Like the human village, even aside from the ones fried by Ha-chan, a buncha guys just up and _died_. Be it from Aiko, that one fire attack I did earlier… I mean, shit. Killing people's way too easy!

Ha-chan and I never even got out of our hiding spot before-

"Everyone! Take cover!"

Once again, I am surrounded by spider girls, and their freakin' fluffy spider behinds.

...A rain of swords greets the woods this time, before being pulled back up into the sky, as if on strings. Which, y'know, they probably _are_.

...The spider girls next to me begin shaking. Oh, boy.

…

"Is- is it over?" A deep-voiced one next to me asks.

Shi~ng!

A blade drops through the top of the tree trunk, sticking her in the back.

"Aackh…!"

"A-aah!" A smaller spider girl tensed up. "...M-Masaki-cha~n! Noo~!"

Shink!

A passing Hourai Doll popped in from out of our field of view, and stabbed her in the throat.

"Guuh-ghgh-ghrkghrkghrk!" Backing up hastily, blood oozed over the lanced as she retreated into a tree behind us, gutteral moans coming from her exposed throat.

I dunno what to say about this, but it's a lot different than in video games, that's for _damn_ sure!

All of the surrounding web looked significantly more cut up.

…

The dolls began falling back again.

...The black widow stumbles out from behind some cover somewhere, a lance embedded in her chest. She pulls it out, and tosses it aside. "Wh-who's still… alive!?"

Surprisingly, there's a general murmur from around us, as spider girls and spider women break from their cover and get to work again.

I look at the one that got stabbed in the throat. She's crying, still having the spear lodged in her throat, but it seems some spiders with little nurse hats are attending to her injury, examining the lance…

Oh, right. They're youkai. They're able to take some abuse, aren't they?

The spider girl next to me crawls out, dragged by odd legs, while her others dragged along helplessly. "Fi-field… nurses…"

...Just say 'medic'. Don't gotta be all fancy in death, Sally.

I turn to Ha-chan. "Where's your sunflower friend?"

"In a better place." Ha-chan nods warmly…

...Didn't know you were into black comedy, Ha-chan. "...Rip. Come along, friend."

Now, I could just wait this out, but I have no idea how long I'd have to wait this out. So, y'know…

Leading Ha-chan along, I march towards Alice's house…

It comes into sight, a variety of dolls patrolling the perimeter. Web-covered projectiles rain towards her roof, and while some laser-firing lancers try to intercept them, a few still manage to get through. The way they soar through the air is rather surreal…

In any case, I hold my arms up, and begin walking towards the house…!

As I do so, Ha-chan mimics my move, getting the picture.

A spider girl tries to follow along behind us, doing the same procedure. A few other colorful haired spider people try, as well, but-

Swish!

A large battle axe lands behind Ha-chan, cutting off the spiders from our position at the head of the conga line.

"Aaa~h!"

"You bitches!"

"Cover them, quickly!"

Not lookin' back, yo.

I step towards Alice's house…

"Aaaa~h!"

It seems a spider girl has launched herself in a catapult, heading straight for Alice's roof.

"Aa-aaaa~h!" She screamed, spreading her arms and many legs…

The lancers move to face her. This time, they launched actual danmaku, pelting the spider girl.

"Aaah-ouch-ow ow ow! N-no…!" She flailed her limbs, before she bent at weird angles, apparently being contorted by invisible string.

I step towards Alice's front porch, and move to knock on the door…

"Hyaaaa~h!"

Immense, loud noise came from a tall, womanly spider. I turned to face her, and wow.

Her face was full-on spider, and she had two huge, talon-esque arms, ripe for ripping things apart. Complex red designs ran up her legs, except for one which had a peculiar yellow pattern on it.

Also, big honkin' bazonkas, but I dunno if they make up for the rest of whatever that is.

String seems to compress and contort her skin violently, but she seems to be ripping through it with her two front talons. Dolls move to stab her with lances, and she eventually gets forced into a kneeling stance…

"Hryaaa~h!" Suddenly, she leaped into the air again, breaking from the sorta stuck position she was in, before landing in the same spot.

The door opened ahead of me, and Alice flew out, floating through the air and onto the lawn. "Trooper! Suicide Squad!"

From behind her, a bunch of dolls with little mini LMGs, and green army gear ran out to meet the giant spider lady. Did I mention how tall she was? Like, bigger than Alice's house. She's a _giant person!_

They surround the spider woman, who bares her talons at a few of them, slamming them into the floor.

Boom! Bam! Boom!

Those she struck exploded, forcing her to flinch. "Hahn…!"

Eventually, once they all surrounded her, the dolls obediently marched straight into her.

Bam! Boom, bam, boom bam-boo-boom-bam-...

I cover my ears. That's _lou~d_ …

…

Even without hearing it, the violence is loud on a visible level. Eventually, the explosions begin tearing away at her flesh, leaving stains and entire puddles of red flowing through the forest floor.

The final few blasts are especially violent.

Kaboom!

...The limp body of the giga spider crumples onto her side, the red glow from her eyes now an empty black.

There's a _lake_ of blood.

The other spider girls seem to have suddenly vanished, because all of the dolls quickly ran out of things to attack in the woods.

…

Gensokyo, man. It's… it's a place.

Alice huffs, turning to me. "...I hope they weren't too much of a bother for you."

Ahah.

...She notices my furrowed brows, and unchanging expression. "...Is something the matter?"

Yeah. "Gonna need a _squeegee._ "

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Alice's house is as delightful on the inside as ever!

"I doubt you'd have come all this way to jeer with me." A vain stare greets me.

"Exactly why." How'd she know? "For no other reason would I trudge through an onslaught of spider women and automated killing machines."

…

Alice turns to the counter that holds her crafting things. "I'm glad to know you think so highly of me."

The worst part is, it's gettin' hard to tell what's sarcasm and what's not!

Ha-chan thankfully remedies the situation with blunt awe. "That was so cool! That spider girl was all like 'boom, boom'! And then the girls were all like 'woman down'! And the dolls were like 'wooshwooshwoosh'!"

...Alice gives her a flat stare. "...Right."

Taking Keine's tarnished clothes from the sack, I spread the ripped garments across the table… "I need ya to fix Keine's outfit, yo."

Intrigued, Alice turns to me. "Keine…? What could have happened to it?"

"Cat girls." I grin.

"...Figures." She sighed. "...Still, that amount of cloth is abnormal."

Taking small steps towards us, Alice finally looks down at the cloth. Did she just tell without…?

"...So I was right. This looks like _two_ costumes." She raises a brow, her eyes moving to glance at me.

I nod. "Yeah. Cats in the laundry room."

...She furrows her brows. "These look like _blade_ slices."

Who are you, some fabric guru!? "The cat had not one, not two, but _octuple_ katanas."

…

"So you're serious about this, then?" Alice seeks confirmation.

"Mmm. If I don't do this for her, Yukari said she's going to use her strap-on on me."

Looking down at the fabric, Alice nods. "Mmm. That _does_ sound pretty bad." She's hardly registering what I'm sayin', is she? "I'll take the excess cloth from the reparations for my reserves. She doesn't want _both_ outfits, does she?"

I shake my head. "Nope. One complete outfit, yo." This is better than paying full price for two! I can always steal another later, now that I know where they are. Like a dirty, dirty criminal.

"...I have her sizes in here, somewhere…" Shooting me another glance, she waves me off. "It'll be an hour, or two."

With that, she leaves the room, receding into her own.

Oof. Well, I got time to kill, then.

First thing's first…!

"Ha-chan." I address my fluffy fairy friend.

She stops fiddling with dust bunnies on the table, and smiles at me. "Hi, Brad-kun!"

"How did you _not_ fry me?" Inquiring minds wanna know!

...She tilts her head.

Freakin'... "The other day, when you exploded."

"Oh!" She tilts her head in the other direction. "...I dunno. I mean… I didn't _want_ to hurt you…?"

...I stare at her dryly. "Want." Raisin' a finger, I bring up the key word…! " _Want_."

"I channeled as much of myself into you as I could to protect you." Ha-chan explains. "But then it got stuffed into a small space and destroyed."

What. "...Wait, did you just say you channeled as much of yourself as possible into me?"

She beams. "Yeah!"

...Jesus fuck. "...You got crammed into a small space, though." I confirmed.

She nods. "Mm, mm! It was a tight squeeze, but I died."

...Fairies are weird.

…

Looking around the room, I lay my gaze on the many stationary dolls on the shelves. Unlike the previous times I visited, they all have big, silver and green suits of armor and giant, similarly styled steel lances. Probably steel…?

Suddenly I have the urge to play with those plastic army men from my childhood. Oh, ma~n…

This place would be _perfect_ for a plastic army men war. Especially Alice's table, here. This would be the main stage, and the bases would be on her counters over there. The dolls can be gundams, or something.

…

Now I just need the plastic army men. Daw…

Wonder if Alice ever plays with her dolls. I _would_.

"Do you think Alice wears pretty dresses, sometimes?" Ha-chan wonders aloud.

...Da~h. "I have no clue." We have different trains of thought, friend.

...Ha-chan pouts. "What? C'mon…"

Whaddaya want from me!?

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

An hour is longer when you're bored.

Alice's table now had chairs stacked up on it. Ha-chan was busy trying to lick her elbow…

"Ehn…" She failed. "...Eeh~n!" Oh, hey. She almost did it. "...Eee~!"

Krik.

…

"O-owwh…" She slowly twisted her neck back into place, whimpering.

...Now I don't know whether to help or not! "...You okay?"

"Ow, ow, ow…" She teared up, reaching for her neck.

Krik!

"Aaa-aaa…" She paused. "...I'm better!"

Were you not a fairy, that would have scared me.

...The door to Alice's room swings open.

"Finished." She announces the completion of her job! "Here you are."

Grinning, I accept the clothing. "Thanks, friend. Don't let the creepy crawlies bite, yo."

Alice snorts. "Mmm."

Moving towards the door, I request Ha-chan's presence! "Come with me, friend. We're going to be doing some _hot_ dog aerials."

...She blinks at me, gingerly. "...What?"

I don't blame her!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

She got lost on the trail, or something. I don't even know what happened this time. Ha-chan just up and, like… woosh. Nothin' but wind. Girl's a ninja, I'm tellin' ya.

Eagerly, I slide the door to the shrine open with a swipe of my arm, and leap inside. "He~y, Keine! I got your _crack_ , cocaine!"

Hyonk!

Keine, who was seated at the kotatsu, simply blinks idly at me. "...Ah."

I step into the shrine's midst, holding the clothes. "I almost got turned into a freakin' ribbon factory trying to get it."

Takin' a good glance around the shrine- oh hey, it's Matt! He's freakin' bound! "And- ooh ho ho, mister angry eyes all the time! What's the occasion?"

"Hello, _son_." He grins up at me. "Are you going to help me?"

That sounds fun…

Taking a glance around the room- oh, wow. Yeah, uh, no. Reimu looks serious about this. Not only do I kinda respect her, but uh, I'm pretty sure I'd get cast down into the flames of Makai or something.

With little other choice, I react incredulously! "...Ho~h, shit. That's probably a hard _no_. Reimu looks like she wants to go through with that whole 'turn me into a ribbon factory' idea."

"Oh well." He sighs. "Seems I must remain as Reimu's sex slave. A fate worse than death."

...Now that's a thought. "Son, now I wish I was you, except not."

Anyway, I gotta give Keine her _crack cocaine_. Struttin' up to her, I hand her the _stoof_. "There you go, yo. Now go teach the village not to suck, 'cause it does." Seriously. If you don't go back right now it's going to become a freakin' barbarian camp.

...Keine scrunches her face at me, but shakes it off, turning to Reimu. "...Is it okay if I use your room to change, Reimu?"

Reimu nods, and Keine goes to get down with her funky self.

…

Now I wanna know what Matt's freakin' damage is. "So, what's the story? He kill somebody's mother?"

"I got caught going over the speed limit." He explains, smirking. "Now I got the death sentence…"

...Something about that statement tickles me, and I chuckle.

"Yes, actually. And her boyfriend." Reimu dryly addresses me.

…

Oh. "...Oh. Shieut." Are these the old killings, o~r is he even busier than I imagined…?

"They're probably happily eating peaches up in heaven now." Matt states. "If we ever invent cell phones, she can just call them."

...Huh. I put a hand to my chin. "Y'know, I think you're onto somethin'..." How did cell phones work in the after lives? I feel like the coverage plans would intentionally conflict with one another, to discourage that… but I don't doubt _someone_ could crack that. Afterlife is weird.

"Was he always like this?" Reimu looks me levelly in the eyes as she says this.

Must ya ask me the _hard_ questions…? "Huh? Oh, yeah. Basically. 'Cept with a whole lot less of the killing people. Then again, back in our world, finding a killer's like," I snap my fingers in a Z shape in the air. "Y'know?"

I think, anyway. Also, yeah, that 'huh' was totally to buy me a few seconds.

...Reimu gingerly shakes her head, unknowing of the outside world's homicide problems.

"...Ah." I shoulda figured. "Well, it's really easy, and you get like, killed and raped in a complex by fellow criminals for basically any crime."

…

"...Our prisons are kinda fucked up!" I realize!

Looking like her faith in humanity dwindled ever further, Reimu shakes her head with more resolve. "I've had enough of morally bankrupt things for one day."

...I don't want her to feel too bummed out. Then I'd feel like an asshole. "Oof. What's gotcha down?"

Reimu points at Matt.

...Ah. "Sounds about right! Can't help ya there!" Yeah, no. I ain't playin' the devil's advocate here. Especially when Matt actually _did_ off people.

Reimu snorts, looking away…

…

Also, I'm free~! Free of the sidequesting and the bullshit, yo! "I'm gonna go… do things!" I intelligently declare!

Wahuehuehu~e!

With that, I bound out of the shrine, and slide the door shut behind me.

Let's see… I'm gonna steer clear of the village for awhile, while Keine presumably smashes some faces.

Speaking of Keine…

Turning, I catch her exiting through the outward bound kitchen door of the shrine. "Hey, yo. Rubba dub dub."

...She just blinks at me, before moving for the stairs.

...Man, am I a freakin' weirdo.

Oh, well. I think I'll head fo~r…

…

My gear is still insufficient to delve into 'Old Hell', and uh… yeah. Scary places everywhere.

I think this is why I hang out at the mansion all the time. I won't instantly die even _trying_ to get there.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Speakin' of masonry and mansionry…!

...Sans the masonry bit, unfortunately. It sounded good, though.

Approaching the manor gates, I get ready to negotiate with Meiling…

"Hi, friend." I gingerly greet. "...So, the other day, the fluffy bluffs set in. I don't know what to do, friend."

Meiling peels an eye open. "...What do you want?"

"Home." I smile warmly.

"..." She sighs, breaking from her comfy position on the wall. "Alright. Mistress has been up all day, anyway."

Ooo!

"Thanks, friend." I give her a small wave!

"Mmhmm." Meiling pushes open the gate for me, and I step inside bouncily! I pass the fluffle stand on the way in, and the fluffle stares at me as I pass it...

By this point, most of the snow is melted. It's kinda chilly out these days, but not _ass smashing_ cold, like it used to be.

Appropriate thoughts to think as I transition indoors, at any rate.

Inside the manor, nothing of note seems to be happening in the main hallway. Just fairies walkin' around, and being cuddly people.

At the top of the foyer, Remilia steps out from behind a hallway. "...Oh, it's you. I had thought we had an actual guest. Carry on."

She recedes back into the halls.

...I think I'll wander aimlessly until I find something interesting!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I get comfy in some random fairy's room, until I realize there's nothing to do there.

Let's see what's in her stuff…!

Moving to the drawer, I slide it open…

There's plastic jack things, and a rubber ball.

Yo~!

Reaching in, I take out the jacks. Sadly, the floor is carpet, leading me to wonder where the hell this is played. Let's go try the dining room!

I move to-

"...Just what are you doing, in here?"

Sakuya appears in front of me, dusting the drawer I just accessed.

I grin. "Gettin' jacked up, friend."

...Nodding, she vanishes. I hear her voice from the vanity across the room. "Try not to make a mess. As much as you usually do, anyway."

Turning to her, I salute. "Aye aye, yo."

With that, she vanishes. Honh.

Stepping back into the halls, I notice a distinct lack of lit candles, the hallway dark.

I see the shadow form of that one scarlet-haired fairy maid dart across the wall.

"Get back here!" Komi dashes down the hall, shaking her fist at her. "That's _mine!_ "

The candles light back up in a wave as the two darkness fairies leave the corridor.

Lively days!

Following behind them in pursuit of the kitchen, I spot Namori in the halls, staring at a couch receptively…

...She notices me approach. "A-ah…"

...Friendly. "Hello." I wave.

"Hi…" She presses two fingers together, looking nervous. "U-uhm… Since Koi… isn't around, Komi deci-decided to tell me about boys…"

This discussion changed directions fast!

Namori sits down on the couch, and pats the seat next to her. "...What- what do you say… we 'Koo..'" She fidgets. "'Kool-aid and chill'...?"

...Woah. That threw _me_ off guard!

...Suddenly, the couch cushion next to her lifted up, Ha-chan slowly emerging from under it.

"...Hi." She smiles.

Namori turns to her. "...Hi, Ha-chan."

The seat Namori was on slowly sunk into the couch, and after that, into the floor.

Helplessly, she looks up at me as she lowers into the dark depths of the floor. I lean over the couch, watching her descend.

After a while, the darkness consumes her.

…

Yeah, that's about what happens whenever someone asks to bone. If that's what she meant, anyway, and it wasn't just Komi screwing with her terminology with bad advice.

Ha-chan takes the cushion from her head, and drops it down into the pit Namori was lowered into.

"Where the _frik_ did you go?" I ask her.

She blinks. "...I was with you?"

Friend, there better not be a fairy equivalent of dementia.

"How." Please.

Furrowing her brows, she insists. "I was with you! I was next to you until you went inside! I was with my friend Koishi-chan!"

 _Koishi!?_ Oh, well, no wonder! That freakin' sneaky…

Ha-chan turns to the green-haired shortie. "C'mon, Koishi-chan. I'm gonna show you to some friends!"

With that, they both-...

…

What was I doing again?

Turning around, I find Namori was gone, replaced by a freakin' hole in the couch.

…

Yeah, that about sums up what happens when people invite me to a good time. Sigh…

I was goin' to the dining room to play jumpin' jacks. Although, now I'm a slight paranoid after whatever that was…

Oh, well.

Continuing forward, the two darkness fairies dart back across the halls, past me, putting out the candles as they pass.

"Hehehe~!" Scarlet-who's-her-face darts by me, her shadowy form skipping on the walls.

Komi's still sprinting around. She stops before me, and puts a hand on my shoulder. "Fucking _help_ me here! She took my shit!"

Woah no! "Not the shit! Oh, fuck!"

"I kno~w!" Komi looked down the hallway…

The candles relit, the dark fairy out of sight.

" _...Damn!_ " Komi slouched. "She buggered off…"

"What did she even take?" That'd be helpful to know, yo.

"A thing." Komi describes. "...Look, it's round, and blue."

…

"You're not helping much, friend." I woefully inform her.

"It's a ball." Komi huffs. "Just help me get it."

...I fold my arms. "What if I don't, yo?"

She pushes me aside. "Fuck off."

From there, she continues to sprint down the hall…

I'm sure I'll see them run by me again, or something.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I bounce the red rubber ball on the table, and swing my arm wide, knocking all the jacks off the table before the ball lands again.

…

This may not be how you play jacks, but I don't wanna be right.

After picking up the jacks, I did it again, sweeping them all off the table after bouncing the ball once. "Yeah!"

…

This time, let's see…

Reeling my arm back, I slam the ball against the table.

Thunk!

It soared across the room, before going kaput in the rug ahead.

It was a good bounce! But…

…

After retrieving the ball, I buffed myself with Tundra Bloomer, feeling strength well up in my muscles…

"Here we freakin' go…" I blow on the rubber ball for good luck, reeling my arm back…

And a shwing!

I toss it at the table-

Thunk!

-and it bounces off of it, into the wall-

Clunk.

-and then it falls back to the floor, just shy of the dining table…

Good.

Sakuya appears behind me. "I'm not sure that's how you play jacks."

I tense up, and turn towards her… "I'm playing a custom game, yo. Private server enabled."

"...Hmm." In a moment, she blinks out, grabbing the rubber ball, and appearing next to me. "...What are the rules, then?"

"Throw it as hard as you can, yo." I grin. " _Fuck_ that ball."

...Sakuya reels her arm back. Is… is she really gonna do it?

I back away as she prepares. Then, she tosses it at the table.

Thunk! The table rumbles, moving slightly from the hit.

The ball shoots up at the wall like a bullet, slamming off of it, off the ceiling and back towards the table.

Thunk. This time, the bounce is almost normal. It nearly reaches the ceiling again, but it soars for the window…

Sakuya appears before it to catch it.

...Smug, she drifts back down towards me.

"You cheat." I accuse her.

"If you think so." Yo…

"By virtue of being a super lady woman." Freakin'...

She snorts. "Oh, please. I'm nothing special. You're just weak."

With that, she vanishes. Dayum!

...After a brief bout of looking around, I realize the ball is back on the table. Freakin'...

Suddenly Flandre, and Ha-chan, and Koishi. Ho~ly…! I suddenly remembered it! Ha-chan was a stalker fairy who is now technically my love buddy and- and Koishi is Satori's sister, and- wow. That's fucking _trippy_ , du~de…!

And Flandre- woah, shit…

"Can I play?" Flandre smiles.

"Me, too!" Ha-chan hops in place.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Koishi is apparently hype.

I now fear for my everything. "Yeah, sure, yo! Ball's on the table…!"

"Me first!" Ha-chan goes for the ball, and lifts it. She steps back, and readies her arm…

She tosses it.

Thunk.

It does a little bounce off the table, before landing in the carpet.

Flandre and Koishi give small, patient golf claps.

Gingerly, Flandre floats up, and towards the ball. "My turn…"

Whelp! I begin backing for the door…

Flandre lifts the ball, and floats to the position Ha-chan took. Following my entrepreneurial example, she drew her arm back…

The ball began glowing orange. Friend, why!?

…An aura began emitting from the ball. Oh, boy...

"...Hraa~gh!" Flandre roared, sending the ball into the dining room table.

I brought up Tundra Bloomer to guard-

Kaboom!

The point she struck exploded, the table's parts flying everywhere. A chunk of table flew into Tundra Bloomer, which I guarded against, the wood striking the broadside of the hanger.

Pi~chun! Ha-chan, no~!

...When the dust settled, Koishi stood there, unfazed, doing a slow golf clap of her own. There was also a hole in the floor, exposing the lower level.

Sakuya suddenly appeared, looking tired. "...We _just_ rebuilt this room, too."

Flandre floated from the devastation, approaching us. "Awwh… It's alright, Sakuya. I'll rebuild it."

...She doesn't look like she's appealed by the idea! "...No, no, mistress, I'll-"

"I'll rebuild it, Sakuya." Flandre restates with finality.

"...Yes, little mistress." With no other choice, Sakuya consents the reconstruction to Flandre.

There's somethin' cool about Flandre pulling rank like that. I might not be coming back to the dining room in a while, though…!

I back into the kitchen, letting the scene sort itself out without me.

...In here, there are friends!

A little blonde fairy girl with a rolling pin looks up at me, before resuming the feverish flattening of dough, hastily rolling the pin back and forth across it.

...I near her. "Whatcha bakin', fri- woah!"

She suddenly whirls around, pulling a large bag of flour from a nearby shelf and attempting to clonk me with it.

Poof!

It exploded against the wall.

...The fairy girl went back to feverishly baking her cake.

Alright, geesh! _Be_ that way, yo…

...In the hall outside the kitchen's back door, I see the shadow maid whirl across the dark halls, seemingly dancing on the room's surfaces as if the room itself were a really long, solid rectangle.

"Salute the sun, asshole!" Komi was holding a different blonde fairy maid by the legs and chest, holding her as if she were a cannon.

She spanked her ass.

"Eep!" The apparently sun-elemental fairy squeaked, blushing. Her blush glowed so bright that she became a flashlight, the blush's red glow lighting the hallway.

The light ate away at the darkness, and the scarlet fairy froze in place.

"O-oh, crap…!"

...After a moment, she was ejected from the ceiling, landing on the floor. "Aah… Stupid…"

Komi ran towards her. "Yeheheheaah! You're mi~ne!"

...As she neared, the fairy maid drew her sand red plant hanger.

Cla~ng!

"Fu-fuck…" Komi dropped the sun fairy, clutching the side of her head.

Landing on the floor, the sun fairy began wiggling a little.

The scarlet fairy grinned. "The safe word is: staff brutality!"

The mansion is in good hands.

…Komi writhed on the floor next to the sun fairy, while the scarlet-face looked proud about herself.

Remilia marched in from around the corner, looking impatient.

Power walking past me, and the fairies, she suddenly paused.

"...You." She turns to me. "What have you seen recently?"

...That's not a very clear question! "The color blue."

...She sighs. "Enemies. Those dust mites."

Fluffles? "Where'd they come from, and where'd they go, friend?"

...I receive a dry stare. "...This is _not_ the time for games."

The scarlet fairy suddenly grins widely. "So says _you_ , mistress!"

The hallway goes dark once more, and the fairy leaps into the wall. "Hehahaha~! Like this, even you can't stop me!"

...Remilia is unamused.

…

A red, plant-hanger-shaped danmaku bullet flies from the wall, next to her, but she leaps out of the way on the _millisecond_ it's even visible.

"...Such a disgraceful attempt." Remilia scowls at the shadows.

"Hehahaha~! You can't do _anything!_ " The fairy gloats. "Remilia~, Remilia~, the _lose~r!_ "

…Remilia holds up her hand. "Shadows, come!"

All of the darkness in the hallway began to recede towards her hand…

"Wh-what…!?" The fairy girl leered down at Remilia from above. "...You're _open!_ "

A plant hanger falls from above, but Remilia simply spot-dodges out of the way, and resumes absorbing the darkness with her hand.

Candles begin lighting back up as the darkness flows down into her hand.

"...Stu-stupid!" The fairy was forced to retreat into the darkness of the rest of the manor. "You'll never catch me!"

With that, she was gone.

"Stupid, rebellious _twat!_ " Remilia seethed, staring at the ceiling. "I'll show you who _owns_ this manor!"

The hallway went dark. Like, pitch black. The only thing I could see was Remilia, who promptly flew through the darkness, going after the fairy, presumably.

...It took a few moments, but the hall returned to… I wouldn't say normal. It's freakin' dark.

The sun fairy was shaking, curled up against the wall. "S-so… da-dark…"

Awwh.

Komi was splayed out on the floor, nuzzling the dark carpet, looking exceedingly lazy all of a sudden.

…

After a few moments, a spot on the ceiling became dark.

Scarlet-what's-her-face fell from it, landing on the floor.

Thud. "Aah! Y-you!" She got up, running towards me. "Help!"

Remilia shot from the ceiling. "I've _found you!_ "

I fall backwards onto my ass as Remilia viciously lunges at the fairy maid.

Scarlet-face turns around, her eyes widening. "A-aaa~h!"

Pi~chun!

…

Remilia's breathing slows, as she recomposes herself. The candles light back up, and she readjusts her poofy hat.

"...Where was I?" She tilted her head, looking absent for a moment… "Oh, right. You." She snaps her fingers. "We have work to be doing."

We _do?_

Walking next to her, I follow her as she struts slowly…

…

 _Very_ slowly. Like- see here… I'm like, six feet tall, just about. She's like, four feet. Her legs are _tiny!_ My stride makes this walk incredibly freakin' boring…

She could probably walk faster if she wanted to, but she chooses not to. Oof.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Remilia sat at her throne. Her head was tilted, and she had a rather relaxed posture, her nails tapping together as she idly held her hands before her face. Her eyes glowed scarlet.

Sakuya and I stood before the manor's mistress, along with some rather choice fairy maids.

"...I'm sure almost none of you know why you are here." Remilia's eyes scan us, as she makes the bored declaration.

A cream-haired fairy maid raises her arms. "I-I didn't do anything this ti~me!"

…

"I didn't say that." Remilia calmly replies.

"Look." Ganpeki stumbled forward, trying to look as intimidating as possible. "I _didn't_ crush those morons, pipsqueak."

…

"Shut up, or get beat up!" Ganpeki suddenly boasts.

...Remilia sighs, looking disdainful. " _Really?_ "

"..." Pierced by Remilia's glare, Ganpeki readies herself. However, she stiffly waddles back into place in our line, still in her ready position.

That awkward moment when you realize you're being a jackass, yo…

"...Regardless of whether or not you know," She begins, "I will demonstrate, to you."

Clapping her hands, a magical circle generated to the right of her, lighting up. With a bright flash, a bed appeared.

The covers wiggled, and soft fluff began flowing out from the blankets…

"honh hoh hoh honh hoh honh"

"Friends…" I smile gingerly.

"Enemies." Remilia scowls at me.

Awwh.

"Not only have they been ruffling about in some _unmentionables_ ," She gave me a glance, daring me to question further, "but Sakuya has begun finding them tarnishing the carpentry, and in possession of worrying devices." Reaching into her pocket, which I just realized she actually has some of, she pulls out…

...A _modern pistol_. Wha~t...

"...It appears to be some sort of firearm." Remilia states the obvious. "Unlike any kind of firearm we've seen before, it acts nearly instantly."

Hitsca~n! Point and click adventure, son.

"We haven't been able to sight fluffles armed with them," the mistress admits, "but locating them near their whereabouts confirms their ownership."

I'd like to know why fluffles would need modern pistols to deal with anything. They seem to all get along, and for the most part, they use magic or giant twisted death machines of continental ruin.

" _Komi._ " Remilia loudly beckons the maid's attention.

"Hu-uh, yeah, whuh?" She shot up from her chair, drool running down the side of her mouth. "S-sorry, I was… yeah." Blushing, she grabbed one arm with the other, looking skittish.

Wo~w. Never thought I'd see her like that, but I also never thought I'd see her like she was earlier!

"I need you, Ganpeki, and Marblecolumn to spread the word across the manor that the fluffles are to be exterminated on sight." Remilia issues her order.

"Right…" Komi relents.

"Since when were you the boss of me?" Ganpeki steps forward again, folding her arms as she dons a cocky smirk.

"Since you came to work here, _dumbbell_." Remilia jabbed. "Unless you'd like to be cast away to the wild? Or, better yet, indefinitely sealed away?"

Ganpeki tensed up. "...I-I… right."

Remilia don't play around, yo. Serious mode!

"Sakuya, you are to do a daily fluff-scan." She commands her maid.

"I'll consider it part of my dusting." Sakuya probably already cleanses what fluff she can find.

"You." Remilia's stare lands on me. It's a pretty stare, all things considered. "Any information on the dust mites, I implore you to hand over as soon as possible. After all…" Sitting back on her throne, she smirks. "You will be _rewarded._ "

Yep! I'm sold! "What is your command, thy mistress? Nukes? 'Cause I can't do nukes. I can do _fists_ , though!"

"Fufufu…" She looks _really_ smug about this. "I'll simply need information from you. And…" Her brows furrow. "Hmm. I neglect why I've never decided to feed on your blood."

I do. You said it tasted like potato chips.

"You reported that it tasted of 'junk food'." Sakuya voices for the both of us. "I had it recorded, as you requested." Wait, what? Yo~...

"Ah." Remilia snorted. "I remember, now. I'll pretty much never be in the mood for that. But…" Scarlet eyes lock onto me. "Maybe once or twice. Depending."

Not sure how to feel about that! It's a good thing she's a light drinker, though. I'm pretty sure Flandre's like, _not_ a light drinker, though.

"I'll think on it. This meeting is over." Remilia leans in her chair, resting her head on one of her arms.

Sakuya vanishes immediately, while the fairies lazily go about leaving the room. Komi is still in that chair, spacing out…

I think I'll space out, too! Aa~h...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 41

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY:

Youkai Inconveniencer - Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

Holy Talismans - Provides a holy upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

Electric Talismans - Provides an electric upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out…

A Wiffle Duster - For shoving up people's rectums.

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

this chapter took LONGER THAN IT SHOULD HAVE.

by a LOT, but aside from my general slowness sometimes, the following big things occurred to disrupt the flow of nuggets:

i've started COOL LEG (which happens to be QUITE INTENSIVE FROM THE GATE, lemme tell you…)

my proofreader spent an immense amount of time debating with me over the kind of characters people like, and the kind of content people want to see. i wanna try and get the lowdown from you guys, do characters who "get beat up all the time" have no appeal to you? are character flaws good, or bad things? i already have my own resolves about these questions, but i'm apparently being judged as not knowing anything about what you guys want, so FEEDBACK WELCOMED

he also said balancing is worth less than progress in a story; is this true, in your opinion?

also "comedy doesn't add anything"; lemme ask you guys why you're ALL HERE...

(you're not obligated to answer anything; sorry if they seem like HOMEWORK QUESTIONS XD)

ANYWAY…

this chapter was marginally more serious than others! blame ACTUAL DEATH and HUMAN VILLAGE.

i wanna capture just how tragic even the death of one you dunno can be, because to someone else that's like world shattering, and even without anyone who has a world to shatter… i'd rather PAINT THIS POINT than dryly explain it, and i hope you guys've seen some of that in previous chapters

just a heads up, plannin' on endin' this all at either 1 M words or 100 chapters, whichever comes first; afterwards i'm thinkin' of writin a ACTUAL BOOK, and doin' the free AMAZON KINDLE publishing

am i FULL OF MYSELF or should i CONSIDER THAT…

thank you all very much for reading this far, and please, gimme some feedback on anything you please (even if you were that one guy who accused me of ripping "touhou reimu dubs" months ago)

as always, see you all next time!


	51. Detective Fluffy: Kinda On The Case!

(in which we snort fairy dust)

Home.

Where would I find information for Remilia, anyway? Hmm~...

Leaving Remilia's room, I proceed down the halls…

"That was _retarded_." Ganpeki mumbles loudly, stomping down the hall ahead of me. "...Stupid midget."

Don't think too hard, yo. You might get a concussion!

'Marblecolumn' sprints down the hall, past us, freakin' _booking_ it. "Ah, aah, aah, ah…!"

Alright, yo, I know Remilia can be scary, but I don't think that justifies hyperventilating!

...One thing I always noticed about the hallway prior to Remilia's room is that no one really wants to be in it. It's usually empty. That, or Remilia just hacked the hallways to spit out as few fairies as possible in front of her door.

I'm placin' my bets on that last one!

Strutting casually through the halls, after a few turns I quickly find myself back in crowded halls, numerous rainbow-haired fairy friends being fluffy, as usual.

"...So what was that about?"

Feeling a hand on my shoulder, I turn and see a freakin' _bird person_.

Aya smiles at me. "Heya!"

...I point at her. "How."

Before I realize it, she's standing before me, instead of next to me. She salutes. "Honest and true reporter, Aya Shameimaru!"

Yeah, I think we knew that…

"And _you_ have something I want!" She leans in towards me, pressing her finger into my chest.

Mental alarm bells ringing! "Such a~s…?"

"Information!" She grins. "Remilia seemed really upset about something! Is it related to you?"

...I narrow my eyes. "I could use some information, too, friend."

"Why don't we help each other out, then?" She props her arms on her hips. "I could tell you what you want, and you could tell me what I want!" ...Then, she smirks. "...Prices may vary, of course."

Cheeky bugga. "Alright, yo."

"First!" Raising a finger, she asks her first question. "What did you do to piss her off _this_ time?"

Hmm… "Firstly, it wasn't me, yo." I press my arms to my chest in a heartfelt way! "I'm just a hapless hobo tryin'a make ends meet."

Flipping out her notebook, she nods. "Mmm, you look the part…"

Noob. "So anyway, the meetin' was about the mansion's fluffle problem."

Aya rolls her eyes. "Old news. Besides, the fluffles around the manor are docile. If you _really_ wanna see fluffle action, you should go to Eientei sometime! There was this big, blue wireframe thing with blizzard magic!" Aya gushes. "...Everyone thought I made it up, but you can't _make_ that kinda crap up!"

I point at her. "You made it up, friend."

A paper slaps me in the face, causing me to flinch. I grab it and read the front article…

'Mysterious Flying Flurry Machine! A Fluffle At The Helm!?'

"...This doesn't prove things." I argue. "Pics or it didn't happen." I believe her, but it's fun seeing her scramble.

She groans. "Uu~gh! There was too much _snow!_ " ...Then, she slouches. "I'm still beating myself up over it…"

…

Instantly perking up, she continues to interrogate me. "So, did Remilia try dating a fluffle yet, or what?"

I jerk my head back. "...Where'd _that_ one come from?"

Her momentum slowed again, Aya stares at me dryly. "I was making a joke about her being short."

…I wobble my hand back and forth. "Good try."

"Give me the news, or ya lose." Aya disinterestedly flips a page in her notebook.

"So Remilia found fluffles with modern handguns from the outside world." I inform her.

...Aya grins. "I see, I see… And?"

"She's placin' orders to _execute_ 'em, yo." I grip the air with my hands, and pull on it! "Ungh."

…

"Oh." Rolling her eyes, Aya sighs. "I was hoping for a declaration of war, or something…"

...I grin. "I mean, _I_ could declare war on 'em, yo…"

"No one cares about you." Aya dismissively jabs at me.

Yohoho~! Were I one of the bums from my school back home, I'd dare to call that 'savage'!

I'm too impressed by the insult to be angry about it, grinning at Aya instead.

"...What?" She's confused by my mirth.

Slowly and gleefully, I make my case. "I'm gonna get some information from you, _son._ "

She snorts at my statement. "Su~re. What do ya wanna know?"

...Oh. I was hoping for a grocery list of topics.

"Do fluffles do stoutness exercises?" I ask her.

...Pausing, she looks up from her notebook at me. "Sometimes."

Awwh. "Cool."

"...Does _Remilia_ do stoutness exercises?" She asks back, slowly grinning.

"Yes." I nod. "Without any doubt."

"I'll hold you to that." She adds. "I'll even include you in the article."

I gots this feeling that nobody cares about her paper! "Alright, yo."

She scribbles that down…

…

"So all Remilia was upset about was a bunch of fluffles with guns?" She tilts her head.

I nod. "Yeah, basically."

"Boring." She turns, getting ready to leave. "Tell shorty good luck on her stoutness exercises."

And then there was a Sakuya, her knife to Aya's throat. "You'll be needing stoutness exercises, _crow_. Once I cut you down to size."

Unintimidated, Aya giggles. "Oh, no~! You wouldn't capture a fair and honest journalist, would you…?"

"I've yet to look up good recipes for crow." Sakuya states. "I've simply not had the time, though it looks like I'll have to make some…"

…Sensing the sparks, I backpedal to a couch, and sit on it.

…

Fwoosh!

In an instant, I'm violently pressed against the couch by a typhoon of wind. Knives create a spiral pattern down the hallway as Sakuya bolts after her, but the only thing I get even a glimpse of is the aftermath.

It entails paintings on the floor, broken vases, and disheveled furniture. Fairies were strewn about the halls, in various states of disarray.

"M-my dress… it needs recalculations!"

"Monora- no!"

"I~ can't feel my legs…"

A certain red-haired fairy maid scowls at her. "You're lucky. My legs're _gone!_ "

...If what Aya said was correct, though, I should probably pay a visit to Eientei, soon… Ho ho!

...I notice an ascending thumping noise in the halls. Turning, I see Ha-chan bounding towards me. She looks happy.

"Hello~!" She freakin' leaps at me!

Oof!

Thud.

I've been floored, yo. It's a good thing I've gotten used to that, since I've been in Gensokyo.

That, and the carpeted floor helps.

"Koishi-chan went home!" She exclaims. "I think…!"

Who? Some fairy maid, probably… except they all live in the same manor! Where is 'home'!?

"Flan-chan went with her, too." Ha-chan provides. "They're such cute friends!"

Flan-chan? What's her element, pastries? She sounds cuddly…

Bang!

Hoh, shit! What the fuck was that!?

...Around a corner further ahead, I notice a brown-haired fairy maid floating by, holding a pistol.

Bang, bang!

Whelp…! This may be a good time to leave!

"So loud…!" I hear a nearby fairy maid display her awe.

"Ma-make it stop…"

Turning to Ha-chan, I smile. "Let's get the fuck outta here."

She beams at me. "Oka~y!"

I begin sprinting down the halls, quickly. Eventually, however-

BANG

Pi~chun!

A fairy flew ahead of me, and was instantly shot in the back. Her pistol dropped to the floor, and a purple-haired maid flew past, grinning widely.

...Eheh.

Pistol on the floor, huh…

…

Don't mind if I do!

I kneel to yoink it, but as I do, a gap opens under it, whisking it away.

…

Mothafucka. "Can you at least give it ta me until I get outta this hell hole?" I crouch, talking into the gap.

Yukari stares out at me, and winks, before closing the gap. She does not, infact, give me back the pistol.

"Friend, please, friend!" I begin clawing at the carpet. "Me love you long time! Slovakian king! Slovakian _king!_ "

God dammit, Yukari. Why's she even _here?_

From above, a weapon falls onto my head.

Bang, bang!

Rushing to grab it, I find…

It's a wooden bow. Taped to it, there's a little plastic package.

'Three NERF Play Arrows! Get In The Game!'

Good.

Ha-chan pouts. "So noisy… My ears hurt."

I gotta get the hell outta here!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Panting as I pass Meiling, she turns to me…

"...You look a little winded." She grins. "Playin' with…" She froze. "...Playin wi~th…"

...Her eyes widen. "What the hell…"

I grin back. "Who are you, friend? Where did you come from, and where did you go?"

She snorts. "It's just… something's wrong. I feel like I've forgotten someone."

Ha-chan sighs, and puts a hand on her shoulder. "It's okay, friend. I feel like that all the time, too."

...Meiling looks horrified.

Shrugging, I offer her my advice! "How often didja meet her?" I assume not a lot!

"Why would I reference her, then?" Meiling brings a hand to her chin. "...I feel like she was a good friend of mine, but…" She leans back against the wall. "I guess it'll come to me."

"That's how I usually do it." Freakin' just let it come back. "Let the subconscious do it for ya."

She snorts again. "Mmm. You heading out?"

Nodding, I inform her of my quest. "I am off to gather information for the federation of the poofy hat. I will travel thousands of miles, and overcome the most perilous of trials!"

"...Buy yourself a scarf." Meiling advises me, before tugging on her own. "It's windy."

Sound advice! "Thanks, yo. See ya."

"See ya." She echoes my farewell, as Ha-chan and I depart from the manor's gates.

...I take a moment to glance at the lavender-haired fairy maid who now stood at the fluffle stand, apparently having claimed it as her own. She looks happy.

...Arching back the wooden bow, I aim one of the arrows into the aether, and fire.

BANG

Woah! Holy shit!

Meiling tenses up. "What!?"

Ha-chan flinches. "Ah!?"

…

The bow makes a _gunshot_ noise. Freakin'... I stuff it into my sack. This item I _wanna_ forget about!

"The hell was that…?" Meiling scratches the back of her head, before readjusting herself to lie against the wall again.

Fluffy days…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

On the roa~d from the mansion! It's also gettin' a little dark. I dunno if I should just press on and book it, or go to Reimu's shrine and cry my eyes out about the spooky shadows.

...I think I'll just camp it out, this night. At the shrine, I mean. Fuck usin' tents in the spooky woods with all the flesh eating school girls and generic wolfmen!

Ahead of me, a gap opens in the air. Slowly expanding, Yukari holds onto the side as she leans out lazily to greet me.

"Hello~..."

…

Yeah, speakin' 'a spooky shadows…

"Oh, don't give me that look…" She pouts. "Can I not have a friendly chat with our local outsider in charge?"

"...There's a sorta _strained_ element here, but I dunno how to express it!" I counter.

She snorts, unfolding a fan in front of her face before she can curve it into a smile.

"...Also, define 'in charge'." The most I'm in charge of is myself and my belongings, most of the time!

"I just thought you'd like some ego stroking." Yukari shrugs. "I mean, if it's such a big deal, I could always be honest, instead."

I nod. "Transparency is the best kind of parency, friend."

Yukari's face doesn't change. "You're a worthless waste of space who simply leeches off of others for your own gain. Nobody really likes you, all you do is cause problems, and this behavior would leave you dead on the outside world."

...I shrug. "Y'know, that woulda meant more if I didn't see it comin'." She's not wrong, either, but it's the fine details that make it all worthwhile! Though, some of the things she said yo, they's to be debated. I know better than to yell back at the angry gap god woman, though.

"...Fufufu! As expected." She nods in approval, smiling. "If you really must know, I _did_ come to chat."

If you really wanna know, I'm still not buyin' that fully! Grains of salt, everywhere!

"How are you finding Gensokyo, so far?" A question is posed!

Fluffy. "The forest of magic did not have enough outhouses. Three out of ten, IGN."

She jerks her head back. "What? Are two not enough?"

Pfffft.

"...In all seriousness, however, I hope you've been enjoying yourself." She stares me in the eyes.

Something's _off_ about this, dude…!

...She blinks once, before waving her fan away, revealing the neutral expression she hid.

A table drops from a gap ahead of us, thunking in the dirt lightly. Two canisters of Kool-Aid drop in from above, and some glasses full of water, accompanied by spoons, slide in from smaller gaps.

I gots this sinking feeling, for some reason.

Seats are generated for Ha-chan and myself, but I just kinda stare…

Ha-chan breaks her momentary silence. "What do you want with Brad-kun?"

...Focusing on her, Yukari narrows her eyes, before blinking it off. "Nothing. Just a friendly exchange."

Whatever was transferred over Yukari's gaze, it made Ha-chan lock up. She began shaking violently, backing away… "A-a-aah…"

…

Alright, seriously, the fuck is this shit? I give Yukari a judgemental stare.

…

"You shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth." Yukari advises me politely, with a small smile. "It is rude."

Eat glower power, gap girl!

…

"Take a load off." Yukari looks care free, fanning herself.

…

"Please sit." She focuses on me, still looking lazy.

…

" _Stay awhile._ " All pretenses are dropped as she glares at me, an unknown light in her eyes forcing all my senses to flair at once.

I don't have a choice in the matter, it seems!

It is not by my own hand that I will sit down and brew this Kool-Aid, yo…

A complete tea set slides in from gap land for Yukari's pleasure. Then, she speaks as if she didn't threaten me, just now. "...Tell me about your adventures."

...She's doing her best to look interested, too.

Ha-chan sits down next to me. When I look at her, I feel a sliver of shock pierce me. She looks like she's about to freakin' cry, and she's desperately trying not to maintain eye contact with Yukari, finding extreme interest in the table right before her.

Yukari notices my wandering gaze towards my fairy companion, pretending nothing is wrong with the scene before her.

Freakin' poofy hatted politician. "Well, I, uh, did things! Hit fluffles!"

"...I expected as much." She sighed. "...Fluffles. Do you know where they come from?"

Not a freakin' clue. "Home."

...She nods. "...Apparently."

Honh.

"...Was dear Matthew always like he was?" Yukari inquires.

Yep, this is an interrogation. "Da~h, if you mean the killing, not quite."

She raises a brow. "Did you think he had the capacity?"

Hmm… "A bit? Maybe?" It was a freakin' while ago!

"Do you know why he kills?" She folds her fan in front of her face again.

I shrug. "Fun. Fluffs. Fucks."

"...How difficult." She shakes her head. "What would you do, were he to try to kill you?"

That's a fancy 'what if' question, friend. "Woop 'em 'n' boop 'em, dude. In the gook'em."

…

In the silence, I pour a cup of Kool-Aid for Ha-chan, and mix it. I pass it to her…

It falls into a gap-

Shatter!

As the glass broke on her head, Ha-chan began crying. "Aa-aawaaa~h!"

Wincing, Yukari hastily waved her fan at her.

Blue light enveloped her head, and became pale, resting there. Her sobs were no longer audible, but she still cried.

"...How unbecoming." Yukari gives Ha-chan, like… It's that one douchey look with the eyebrows raised as if you were concerned, but yer really not. Faux-concern?

Alright, I'm done with this. I give Yukari my best 'y'fookin' stoopid?' expression.

"I feel as though you should care for yourself better. Were you to leave yourself exposed to a killer like him, why, it'd simply break some hearts, were you to die!"

I snort. "Friend, you just said no one likes me."

"I was right, too. It would break the hearts of those obligated to humans, you see." She argues, smirking. "Nothing personal."

She's good at _words!_

"In any case," She floats away from the table. "I wish you a good evening, Brad. Do think on this. Were I you, I would."

Her gap closes.

…

The table falls into the gap, taking the Kool-Aid and things with it. A gap opens before me, and Yukari's hand comes out, tearing the glass from my hands.

…

Splash!

The contents end up on Ha-chan's head. She's also unmuted, now. "Waaa~h! Aah, aah, aaa~h!"

...That was a douchebag thing for Yukari to do. All of that. She's obviously got some mumbo jumbo stretchin' shit in store for me, and when it comes to someone that infinitely powerful, I dunno, yo…

There's something about her power that I just marvel at. I dunno if it's the enigma of her herself, or if it's her origin… She's one of the characters I read up a freakin' lot about before I landed in Gensokyo, and that didn't help me _shit_ when it came to negotiating with her!

There's a sort of elegant magnificence to being able to hold all that power, and being able to properly use it to control so many subsections of the world.

It's also freakin' annoying when you're involved! What'd I do!?

...Standing from my chair, I move to put my arm around my fairy friend. "...It's, uh, gonna be alright. C'mon, let's go to Reimu's…"

Ha-chan latches to me like a freakin' pair of pliers. I wobble around, trying to balance our weights, only to find it impossible. I don't fall over, though, so there's that!

"Waaaa~h!" Jesus, she's loud, too! There's something cute about this, though…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Midway up the stairs, we pass some girl with hair buns!

"Ahuhaaa~h!" Ha-chan wails.

"Oh?" The pink-haired girl pauses, turning to us. "What seems to be the matter? Are you hurt?"

The girl recieves a stare… "Waaa~h!" Ha-chan replies.

"There, there…" The girl moves up to Ha-chan, and gives her a hug. As she does, I examine the bandaged arm she has. Ne~at.

...She turns to me. "Were you bringing her to Reimu's?" Home of the Reimu-burger.

"Ye-yeah…" I stammer, strained from climbing stairs with an entire fairy person in one arm and stairs in the other.

Reimu, your stairs do not make you an accessible person!

"...Come with me." She begins walking down the stairs, helping Ha-chan down with her.

...Reachin' into my sack for the safeties, I follow the pink girl down the steps. I'm a bit winded to object, but this situation is objectionable!

"What happened?" The lady questions, staring at Ha-chan with concern.

"Yukari." I summarize.

She snorts. "...Truly?"

"Seriously, she had a whole one-sided conversation with me." I inform her. "We talked about this guy called Matt, and fluffles."

...The woman nods slowly. "This fairy was hurt… how?"

"Yukari dropped glasses of juice on her head, because she was annoyed." It was not nice!

She sighed. "...I'm sorry, I believe I forgot to ask for your names." A patient smile crossed the woman's face.

"Brad, yo." I hold out my hand for her to shake it.

She does! Yo ho- holy _crap_ she's got a grip.

"Kasen."

...Kasen turns to Ha-chan, who was now sobbing quietly.

"...Ha-Hana…" She mumbled.

…

When we got to the bottom of the steps, Kasen pulled Ha-chan into a hug.

...

"We all need a hug, in the morning…" She softly states in a sing-song way.

Can I…. can I get a hug too? Yo~.

"And one at the end of the day…"

Above the two of them, a magical circle forms, appearing to be adorned with images of pink flowers. Ethereal petals softly rain down on the two.

Du~de...

"And as many as possible, squeezed in between. To keep life's troubles, at bay…"

A high pitched chime plays, the two becoming wrapped by gold thorns, for only a moment.

"It's my belief, for instant relief… a hug is the best cure of all."

The magic dissipates, a set of golden bells above the two being the last bit of magic that fades.

Ha-chan seems to have calmed down, eyes wide.

…

Did this bitch just cast _curaga!?_ Teach me! Teach me! I'll pay you in the blood of my first born, just teach me!

"You are safe." Kasen reassures her. "Yakumo was simply scaring you."

"I-I, she…" At the mention of Yukari's last name, something Ha-chan's never heard before as far as I'm aware, Ha-chan flinches, fidgeting as she backs away. "Po-powerful…"

"You are safe." Kasen reassures. "...Take deep breaths. Repeat after me: I am safe."

...Ha-chan inhales. "...I-I am safe…"

"I am safe." Kasen repeats.

"...I am safe."

…

Ha-chan quickly glomps me, burying her face in my chest. "Brad-kun!"

Oof! Was not prepared, about to flop on-

Kasen quickly moves to keep me from falling onto the stairs, giggling. "...I take it you're someone special, to this fairy?"

Waau. "Y-ya could say that…!"

...I am propped back into an upright position. Ha-chan's hugs are an experience, yo.

...Also, I point at Kasen. "Are you Jesus?"

The healer girl giggles. "...If the Yakumo paid you a visit, you must have something she wants, or had wanted."

Ha-chan flinched at the mention of 'Yakumo'.

...I grin. "She said she just wanted to chat, yo."

"...As unfortunate as it is, seldom does she chat with those whom she is not already in immediate connection with. She was likely deceiving you." Kasen sighed, shaking her head. "I, myself, would appreciate if she were more diplomatic about things. That is simply my opinion."

…

"Could I get a hug with the magic and the stuff?" Man, that's awkward to request.

She smiles patiently. "Unfortunately, the spell eats an immense amount of mana. You may have a normal hug, though."

 _Balls_. That looked _heavenly_.

Good enough, though. I spread my arms, approaching her…

Hug.

…

We break from the hug. "Woo." Yeah, I'm bummed. I wanted the _bestest_ hug, dude…!

"It is getting late." Kasen notes. "...Would you like me to escort you back to the village, or will you be camping out at the shrine?"

Fuck the village. Bu~t… "Could ya guide us to Eientei, yo?"

Her brow raises. "...What might you need there?"

"Bee's wax, dude." Information scrounging! Also, Kaguya has a computer, so that'd be fun. "They gots stoof that I wanna know."

"...Very well." Walking, she gestures for me to follow. "Come along."

With that, Ha-chan and I follow along behind her, progressing down the path leisurely…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

It's freakin' dark out by the time we arrive at Eientei.

"Here you are." She smiles as she gestures to the front door. "This door is automatic, by the way. Just think of it as magic."

I ain't that simple, but okay!

"Thanks, Ka-chan!" Ha-chan sees her off, as she turns away from us, heading back into the bamboo woods.

"No problem." We receive a wave in return.

...Turning to the door again, I progress inside.

White, sterile hospital light greets us as we go inside. Aa~h… those good ol' bar-shaped lights that made you feel freakin' alone. I've almost got a sort of nostalgia for them.

Reisen notices me at her desk. "...Oh, hey! It's… you?" She makes a pensive face.

I don't remember giving her my name, so fair enough. "Brad."

"Right, Brad." She looks at her clipboard. "...You don't have an appointment. What're you here for?" Swiftly taking out a pen, she gets ready to write things down...

"I'm here to consume _all_ the drugs." I make my intentions clear.

…

"Here to purchase, then…?" Rabbit girl is not amused.

"Actually I'm just here to visit Kaguya." Basically. "...Though I would like to ask about your fluffle problems."

Reisen furrows her brows. "...Look, let me tell you something about Kaguya…"

Hmm?

Sighing, she begins moving around the counter, to talk to me more directly, or something. "Kaguya probably won't marry you. If she's been asking for gifts, I can arrange refunds, but…"

Wat.

"We just play freakin' _video games_ together." Reisen, please. "I am well aware of Kaguya's status as a man eater, yo. Treasure island, and all that."

"Oh, thank goodness…" Reisen giggles. "Sorry. It's just… yeah. Sorry… You asked about the fluffles, right? I could tell you about that."

Neat! "Koo! Alright, so, have they been destroying things, recently?"

She nods outright. "Lady Yagokoro was infuriated the other day. She found one of her medicinal archives busted into, and the fluffles had ruined most of the samples. She's also having difficulty keeping her subjects in one place… She even had me guard the room, but they drilled through the wall. They've…" Blushing, she looks down at the table. "They've got these snipers, too. We've never seen anything like them."

Oo~h! "Snoipahs!"

"...Yeah." She continues. "They have rapid fire, and the shots stop in mid-air, before readjusting to aim at targets. They're deadly. I lost a few rabbits to them, when we were taken by surprise." At that, she looks mournful. "...B-but, it's not that terrible otherwise! Nothing like it was a week or two ago..."

I nod. "Thanks for the info, yo. Yer a big help."

"...You're welcome." She smiles at me.

...I turn to make sure Ha-chan's still with me. She seems to have began playing with those hospital waiting room toys.

"...Enh!" She smashes two blocks together. "Yea~h…"

Friend. "C'mon, Ha-chan. We're gonna play the _video games!_ "

She lights up! "The _video games!?_ "

"The _video games!_ " I reassure her!

With that, we bound together into the open halls!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Only to get hopelessly lost.

"Why~ are the halls freakin' a _maze!?_ " Seriously! What is it with mansion building place owners and unnavigable clusterfuck labyrinths that rely on magic and shit!? I think it's just an excuse for endless danmaku fights, at this point. You can keep going and going, and the hall just doesn't run out.

The only problem with that theory of mine is the fact the hallways have furniture.

How do you supply an _entire endless hallway_ with furniture.

...This might be one of those things ya just gotta take for granted!

"Bra~d-kun…" Ha-chan whines. "My feet are getting tired…"

…"You can fly." I remind her.

"...Oh, yeah!" Smiling, she takes to the air.

Freakin'...

A door slides open, blue- and red-haired rabbit girls stepping out. "Seriously, Kase-chan. That's messed up."

'Kase-chan', the blue-haired one, turns to her friend, grinning. "It is not. 'Sides, it ain't like she's gonna feel it in the morning! Hehehe~!"

...I wave at them. "Hello, folks."

"Uwa~h!?" Kase-chan whirls to me. "...What didja see, dude!?"

I shrink back, replying meekly. "Me, you… ooo~!"

...The red-haired hare turns to her cynically. "You're scaring the patient."

Kase-chan rolls her eyes. "Please. I'm sure he'd do the exact same thing in _my_ situation. That's just how men work."

Dunno if you noticed, yo, but I am not a bunny man!

Ha-chan floats down to converse! "Brad-kun's a boy!"

Friend, _why_.

Kase-chan snorts, grinning widely. "Oh, is he? Gee. I thought he had a hole down there. Never would've guessed."

...After that, the red-haired bunny grins, too, shaking her head. "Fuck's sake, Kase-chan…"

They have a brief giggle, staring at Ha-chan. Kase-chan regards her, "You're cool, fairy. What're you called, Hallway? Blue?"

"Hana!" She gleefully exclaims. "I'm an ice fairy!"

Since _when!?_

Kase-chan looks surprised. "...Huh. She's got an actual name."

Red-hair person shrugs. "Well, not _all_ of them are named after things. Night fairies, for example."

...Smirking, Kase-chan examines me. "Yeah. I still remember Rosariobangle, and Artinfafnir. They were such dickheads."

I raise a finger. "Kaguya person's room. How to find?"

Kase-chan jerks her head back. "...Why~?"

"Video games." I summarize.

She nods. "Oh, okay. C'mon."

I should clarify that these are the shorter, Earthen rabbit girls. One could probably infer that, but y'know.

Ha-chan and I follow the short girls, moving through the labyrinth. A few times we cut through some hospital-y rooms, with beeping machines and bleak lights. The hallways are very dreary naturally, the majority of the light in them coming from the room 'n' stuff.

"Shit, hide!" Kase-chan darts back into the room we were just about to exit. We get addressed in a hushed tone, "I said _hide!_ Get under something!"

Under the hospital bed I go!

I approach the bed, and notice a sleeping rabbit girl on it. She's got a gown on, which is a deep red around the torso area…

Oh, that's not a fancy design. She's bleeding.

...Well, then.

I hide under the bed. This hospital is scary.

The door opens, a taller lunarian rabbit marching in. "Kasegawa! Show yourself!"

…

"Kasegawa~!" She begins rifling through the room's furniture. She goes up to a closet-sized cabinet, and opens it.

Inside is Ha-chan, doing her best coat hanger impression.

The taller rabbit stares for a moment, before slowly closing the closet.

...She turns to the bed, narrowing her eyes. Moving up to it, she calmly slides her wounded comrade out of the way, and gazes down at me.

"There's a skoolatoon inside me." I tell her. "Right now. I need help."

…

She looked aghast at our unexpected guesthood! "...Did, uhm… either of you see where Kasegawa went? Blue hair?"

I nod. "She died."

...The lunarian rabbit slouched. "Please be serious."

"She got better, though." I amend my previous error. "So she got away."

"Okay," She smiles, looking hopeful. "Where?"

"Far." ...I turn away from her, staring towards the wall.

…

"Fine." She reluctantly goes into the room's midst. "They're not supposed to be here. Clearance permits the honor guard and Lady Yagokoro, only. And patients."

The honor guard, oo~h! Real scary! "I'm patient." I inform her.

"For mental reasons, I assume?" The tall bunny jeers at me. "...You are a patient, right…?"

I nod. "Mental health ward, yo. I got placed here 'cause they ran outta beds. And rooms. And air…!"

"...Okay." She turns away from me, dismissive. "Just don't leave this room, okay?"

No promises! "I promise, yo."

With that, she continues moving beds and furniture for a few minutes more, before moving for the room's other door. "Stupid, bloody…"

...I crawl up to the closet cabinet thing. "Ha-chan. Let's get snug."

...Standing up, I pluck Ha-chan from her hanger- nevermind, I take both her _and_ the hanger- and then we begin to skedaddle!

LonglegsMcBunnyears turns to me. "...You're not thinking of leaving, are you?"

Turning to her, I look like I was put on the spot. "...I'm not."

With that, I walk backwards out the door.

She gets angry! "Hey hey hey, get back here!"

Hyonk! Hyo~nk! "Noob! Noo~b! Get owned!"

Hehehe~! Run, run, run, yo!

I run towards a lime-haired lunar rabbit. "You! Stop!"

...Shitstains!

...Within moments, Ha-chan and I are surrounded by two- oh, three. Three lunar rabbits, ah, ah, ah!

The one in a red suit holds up this grey sci-fi rifle. "Hands in the air."

Please no energy bolts to the anything. I hold my arms up. "Yo~..."

...After I do so, she turns to Ha-chan. "You. Hands in the air."

...Ha-chan flips upside down, holding her arms downward, and legs upward. Her panties are also visible, but yeah.

...Red-suit with grey hair sighs. "...Good enough."

Slowly, she walks up to me, rifle prone the entire time. "...What is your business here, villager?"

Villager? She's got a _brain!_

"I wanted to play _video games_ with Kaguya." I state calmly, staring at her like she's makin' a big deal outta nothing.

…

"Oh…" Furrowing her brows, she blinks a bit. "...O~h! That hair." She moves next to her lime-haired cohort, and points at me. "Mornar. Look."

What the fuck kinda name is Mornar!?

Mornar furrows her brows. "...Wait, is this _that_ guy?"

The tall, blue-haired rabbit steps around me, looking at me closer…

"No _shit._ " She gapes. "...Hahaha~!"

...Friends!

They begin walking off, whispering to each other, stealing glances at me as they laugh. After a moment, red-suit doubles back, and walks up to me. "Hey. If you wanna get into Kaguya's pants, lemme just tell you, you're gonna need this."

From her pocket, she pulls out one of those birthday cards.

She hands it to me…

'Sorry I Can't Find All Four Treasures, But I Brought You Fluffles'

Opening it, I find an anime-esque drawing of myself, looking absolutely terrified as a dragon breathes fire at me. I appear to be holding the Branch of Whatever-It-Was in one hand, and a steel sword in the other.

...Wow! People _love_ making custom cards for me! I mean, this one's technically not for me, but...

I look back up at the grinning rabbit.

"Good luck." With that, she struts away, her friends guffawing their asses off behind her.

"Hahahaha~!" Mornar reels with laughter. "Sa-Sakura… I-I didn't know you _had_ humor!"

Now _that's_ a normal name. "Well, with how much you girls keep hyping him up, I had to do _something…_ "

...With that, the three walk away.

"...That went well!" Ha-chan determines.

Better than getting shot, yo. Better than getting shot. "Yeah."

Also, why are all these bunny friks pushing the Kaguya route? My waifu's Patchy, and that ain't changin'! I've like, _committed_ , yo…

...Ha-chan flips back into an upright position. She has to readjust her skirt to cover her panties.

I mean, a fairy's nice, too.

...I still have no idea where Kaguya's room is. Time to randomly open doors!

Door number one on the left! Sli~de…!

...Oh. More injured rabbits. Oh, no.

One of them looks at me as I hold the door, appearing drowsy. "...Re-Reisen…?"

Some doors ain't meant to be opened, son. I slide the door shut.

…

Door number two on the left!

Inside, there is no one. Just empty hospital beds and stuff. It looks ready to use.

How fluffy.

…

Door number three on the left!

Same as the last, except one of the beds is just completely smashed. Like, as if it was thrown in a car scruncher machine.

Why?

Oh, well. Ne~xt door…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Maybe I should just ask someone for directions…

Ha-chan swings one of the doors on the right of the hall open. "Hello~!? Friend-cha~n!"

"Shut u~p!" Some Earth rabbits shout back. "We're trying to _sleep!_ "

…

"Friend-cha~n!?" She tries again.

" _Fuck!_ " Tumbling is heard from the room, the rabbit landing on the floor, I think. "...Aa-aa~h…"

Ha-chan slides the door shut. "...I made them sad."

Oh no.

...The clacking of shoes is heard down the hallway.

Yo ho ho~! I turn and- oh, hello…!

Eirin passes me, sparing me a single glance as she power walks down the hallway with a clipboard.

It is time to bug the ultra-old lunarian lady. "Hey, doc! C'mon, man!"

...Pausing, she turns to me. "Oh, yes, you. Are those rumors about you and the princess true?"

I nod. "Yes. I've come for her peppermint creams."

Eirin shrugs. "Best of luck. Do you need directions?"

No~d again!

"...Mmm." Then, she pulls out a walkie-talkie. "I need a captain in E-seven-Y. Basic escort."

E~y!

A voice crackles from the walkie-talkie. "Understood."

...With that, Eirin turns to me. "...What is it you see in the princess?"

"Boobs." Yes. "Also, bombs."

...Eirin blinks.

"Bangable bongos." I shrug casually.

"...In all seriousness." Eirin restates her question.

"I don't. I'm just tryin'a find her ta play the _video games._ " I stress.

…

"Ah." Eirin looks down the hallway.

…

She'd be a good person to ask about the nugget people, actually. "Fluffles. They exist."

The doctor's interest is sparked. "...Hmph. That's about all that I've ascertained about them, as well."

She should be a good source of the knowledges! "Whaddaya know, friend?"

"I know that they're made of common materials, ranging between dirt, dust, and sand, to other materials. They're produced in a specific manner." Eirin begins explaining. "The way in which they're produced is uniform, and enforced in Gensokyo's mana itself. Some time or another, someone began altering the mana contained within the barrier. Samples that have dated back to a month ago did not have the same properties as the mana of now."

...What the fuck?

"Fluffles seem to generate based on the parameters in this mana, and they have rules to it. I don't know what the criteria is specifically…"

Sakura, the grey-haired rabbit girl, arrives. She's got short hair, by the way. Like, fwoofy. I'm bad with hair words.

Bringing a hand to her chin, Eirin continues… "Fluffle forces have also assaulted us on numerous occasions, in an attempt to free their captured brethren, despite the irrelevance of their mortality. They've no organs, and no biological means of mobilization. I tried to trace whatever mana signatures they had, but…" She shook her head. "If there even is any link, it stretches somewhere _far_ outside the boundary of Gensokyo."

...No shit, huh?

...Suddenly, Eirin tensed up. "I appear to have wasted too much time, here."

She power walks off…

…

I turn to a smirking Sakura.

Them rabbits like rumors, huh? I'll give 'em some shit ta gossip about! "...Do ya have any condoms? Kaguya likes it that way."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Holding a box of Trojans, I strut into Kaguya's room, promptly dropping them in the trash can by the door. "Yo ho ho~!"

The room is dark. The TV is on, but the game is stuck on the pause screen.

'Super Omega Bike Fuckers V: PAUSED'

Behind the pause screen, it looks like some dude with a tire iron is fighting a floating Jesus Christ, who is summoning lasers and high school principals.

What game is this?

...Approaching the couch, I notice Kaguya's asleep.

"Awwh…" Ha-chan coos. "She's sawing logs! The little dickens…"

...How cuddly.

Oh, well. I'm pretty zonked, as well. I think I'll just take Kaguya's empty futon, since she's on the couch…

Lazily shambling to her room, I make for the futon, and get comfy in it, fully dressed.

It smells like shit, by the way. Like… yo.

…

I get used to it, though. It's one of those smells that grows on you.

…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Sleeping fully clothed su~cks…

I sit up- scratch that, Ha-chan.

She's peacefully dozin'. That's no problemo, 'cept she's dozin' on _me._ Help, no.

…

I'm trapped! She's got my arms snugged up tight!

Fairy friend, if there's anything I've learned from my pillow mechanizations, it's how to win a battle of domineering cuddling!

And a one, and a two…

…

Hnngh!

I flip us over, ending up on top of Ha-chan.

"Wh-whah…!?" She's surprised by my weight, and begins flailing her limbs.

My arms are still trapped, so I can do little but aggressively crawl on her like an enraged silk worm! "Raa~h!"

We freakin' thump about on the floor like madmen.

"Honh, honh, honh!" I accent the situation!

After some squirming, Ha-chan's wings get in my face, flapping against me, makin' tapping sounds.

Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap…

Ho~ly shit fairy dust is annoying! Aa-aaa~h…

"Achoo!" I sneeze.

…

Y'know, I wonder if fairy dust is used in crafts. Magic weapons, here I come! I think?

...Yeah, don't quote me on that.

Reluctantly, I rise from my cocoon, and stre~tch…

"A~h…" Ha-chan yawns.

Peaceful mornings…

With that, I step into the main room. Leaning over the couch to stare at us as we enter, Kaguya, Kanako, and Sanae make themselves known-

…

"Why the fuck did I find the Trojans in the _trash can_ of all places?" Kaguya scowls at me. "Goddamn it. Now I'll have to get that futon washed. For what _fucking_ reason did you _throw out_ the Trojans? Did you just _decide_ you didn't need them!?"

…

"To be fair," Kanako Yasaka what in the name of nuggets are you doing here? "Fairies can't get pregnant."

Kaguya snaps her head towards her. "Don't they have like fairy AIDS, or something?"

...Kanako shakes her head, grinning. "Not that I know of."

…

"Hi, Brad!" Sanae waves at me, blushing. "...Did you and her really…?"

I nod. "This boy became a man, yo."

Kaguya sighs. "Fu~ck. Time to go on Reddit. 'Today I fucked up' by letting an outsider play 'fuck the fairy' in my bed."

Sanae shrinks behind the couch, sitting normally again. "O-oh…!"

Ha-chan exits the room. "...Friends!"

Kanako chuckles. "Come now, Sanae-chan. Don't tell me you're not interested in the _details_ …?"

"Ka-Kanako-sama…" Sanae fidgets. "Please."

I wrap my arm around Ha-chan. "Yo, tell 'em about our bedtop sports!"

Kaguya snorts. "Oh, god."

...Kanako gives her a conflicted glance, but disregards it.

"We~ll, I hit him in the face with my wings. That was cute…" Ha-chan really liked that, apparently. "And then he like, wiggled on me like a worm!"

Kaguya just gapes, while Kanako actually guffaws, reeling back. I don't even _see_ Sanae's face, but it's probably _grand_.

"And then I freaked out, and went crazy." Ha-chan flailed her arms wildly to demonstrate. "...It was funny!"

...Kaguya shook her head. "New. Fuckin'. Futon."

Kanako turned to her. "Are you certain, Houraisan? Maybe you can absorb those hormones of theirs…"

"Shut it, Windy." Kaguya glares at the wind god.

We just not gonna ask what in the nine hells Kanako's doin' chillin' out, maxin' 'n' relaxin' all cool? Okay.

Idly, I approach the full couch…

"There is nowhere to sit." I am intelligent!

"No shit." Kaguya doesn't think so, though… "You're not sitting next to me."

I roll my eyes. "Your futon smelled of sweat and masturbation, friend."

"I'm gonna throw you out with those fucking Trojans." Kaguya seethes.

Hyonk!

...I stare at the space between Sanae and Kanako.

...The latter scoots a bit, but Sanae looks adamant about doing otherwise. "...I-I-... No."

"Looks like you're outta luck." Kanako shrugs.

…

"Can I sit in your lap?" I grin at her.

She smirks. "No."

Shieut.

Sanae glares at me. "Ho-how dare you try to entice Kanako-sama…"

Oh, no! My poofy ass hair will _seduce_ her! Y'know, sometimes I wish I was in an ecchi game. That'd be kinda neat, until I get chained up by rapists. Then it'd be not so neat, depending.

...Must not let morning urges influence me! I must participate in the video games!

...Ha-chan kindly pulls an arm chair from nearby, moving it closer to the TV. "Here."

Awwh. "Thanks, Ha-chan. You're fluffy."

"Hehe…!" She gives me a thumbs up, yo!

I take a seat, as Ha-chan moves to sprawl onto all three of the other girls.

"Yuck, no! Off, off!" Kaguya pushes her off before she can progress to her.

Ha-chan rolls onto the floor. "Oof…"

"Fuck, no." Kaguya grimaces at her. "Dirty. Slut."

"...Don't be like that." Ha-chan pouts up at her. "I'm natural."

"You're a _freak._ " Kaguya grins. "A fairy freak."

...Ha-chan starts waving her arms in the air. "I'm freaky! Ooo~!"

...Simply huffing, Kaguya calls it quits. She readjusts the controller in her lap.

I take a moment to stare out the window, noting the overcast nature of the day. Nice and cozy, yo…

Kaguya chucks a controller at me. "Here."

It almost hits me in the head, but I stop it with my forearm. "Freakin'... ye."

Ha-chan abruptly gets up and dives into the chair next to me. It's a good thing I'm thin…!

Oh, hey, we're still playing Biker Whatever Fuckfest IV. With… gamecube controllers? Dunno why, but that's fine with me!

It's apparently a four player beat-em-up. Kaguya's playing as this freakin' Japanese princess girl, and everyone else I have no clue because they're not as immediately obvious. The other dudes are a generic anime man with a gunblade, and some guy with a _really_ big sword.

I get to join as a tubby dude, who the AI was controlling! Aw, dude! "Does this game have support abilities, yo?"

"No." Kaguya, please.

…

"Magic?" I guess.

"No." Wat.

"...Specials?"

"You _literally_ have only an attack button." Kaguya insists. "Shut up."

Wow. She better have gotten this game off the bargain bin, because its got freakin' nothing! Like, the UI… You can _see_ the bad bits of the UI. Undetailed font-esque text on flat colors, jagged corners… though, someone may argue that last bit is just metro design!

"What freakin' junk shop you buy this game from?" I grin…

...Kaguya gives me a steely glare. "I made it."

…

Oo~h. Ouuu~ch. Yea~h… Awkward!

…

"You tried…?" I smile at her.

As she was about to look away, she snaps her head back towards me, looking angrier than before. "...Let's see _you_ make a game, fuckface. I bet you can't even _use_ a computer."

Wha~t!? Them's _fightin'_ words! "You wot, mate? I swear on me fuckin' mum, lad!"

Kaguya stands. "I'll knock you the fuck out!"

Kanako floats up to her feet, looking amused and annoyed at the same time. "Now, now, you two. I'd rather you didn't beat one another to death in my presence. It's bad for the faith, you know?"

"Ye-yeah…" Sanae still looks disgruntled about earlier. "Kanaka-sama doesn't wanna see people get hurt."

...At that, the wind god shrugs. "I mean, people would probably think _I_ did it, if one of you died. So wait until I leave to die."

Sanae deflates. Awwh…

Frustrated, Kaguya takes a seat. "...Damn."

…

Ha-chan tries to playfully rip the controller from my hands, and I let her. "Oh no."

"Ya~y..." She eagerly begins mashing the buttons without rhyme or reason, but appears visibly engaged in the game on the screen. "...Woohoo~!"

At this, Sanae appears perplexed.

"Did somebody say homicidal gods?"

Aya knocks on the wood on Kaguya's window.

...Kanako turns to her, and scowls. "You've no business here, tengu."

"I've seen what I've seen!" Aya grins. "Oo~h, the possibilities…! 'Local Wind God Yasaka Elopes With Lunar Princess'!"

Kanako rises from the couch in a sitting position, the wind carrying her. "You _dare_ challenge me, Shameimaru?"

...Aya stops to legitimately consider the consequences. "...Yeah! The score's two-to-one, so if I win this one, I win the whole set!"

At that, Aya darts from the window, leaving a small typhoon behind which rocks the raised shades, blowing the room's cords and smaller objects lightly.

Kanako's eyes glow a solid, light green as she twirls from the couch-

FwoWooWooWoo~sh!

Propelling herself off of it with an elaborate tornado which displaces Kaguya-

"Aaa~h!" Ha-chan scrambles to latch onto the chair before she gets blown off, while I'm pressed into the seat…

-Kanako kicks at the air-

FWOOM

My ea~rs! Did she break the _sound barrier!?_

Faster than a single frame, she's gone, and so is the room.

I'm in a corner of the room, trapped under the chair. Ha-chan is attached to the wall, and Kaguya is inside her TV. Unfortunately, not in the cool way; she has become embedded in the screen.

Sanae was ultimately unaffected, but a little windswept. I suspect wind immunity shenanigans.

...Anyway, they're gone, now. One must not forget that Kanako is a god of freakin' wind. She owns that element like I own my ability to swing plant hangers at people.

Ma~n. For some reason, I wish I was at the beach with her, just to watch her throw wind around. That, and bikinis. Even if she's probably older than my entire family line.

...Kaguya slides out of the TV, sparks flying from her robe. "Fu-fuck…"

...Grinning, I move to the trash can, and take out the Trojans. Then, I approach her…

"Shoulda used these, yo…" I softly critique, holding them towards her…

…

Kaguya took the box, and stared at it, looking cross.

…

"...Grrr~aaaa~h!"

She gripped it tightly, until-

Fwi~ng!

The condom box's after-image expanded, but after a moment, dissipated, revealing no more Trojans…

...She chuckles. "...Ye-yeah, fuck the condoms."

"What did you do to them, friend?" I'm genuinely curious…

"...I-I placed them in time…" She grinned. "They're now eternal."

Sanae just gapes. "...Wo~w."

...Yeah. Wow. What, uh… "What does that entail?"

"...I mean, I kinda fucked it up." She looked thoughtful, for a moment. "Normally we'd see it in a few hundred years at most, but… I think it's gone. Shit I do that to shouldn't just disappear, either."

She _broked_ it. "Daw…"

Ha-chan wraps an arm around her to comfort her. "Don't worry, friend. In this castle, to find is to lose, and to lose is to find!"

…

"Can I kill her?" Kaguya stares at me dryly.

"Friend, no." I shake my head. "She just wants to cuddle."

"...No." She pushes Ha-chan away. "Go impale yourself on his shaft. I don't swing that way."

Ha-chan takes it as a challenge, and tries to glomp Kaguya slowly and softly, which forces the latter to slowly and lazily combat her attempts as a result.

Sanae sighs, and floats for the window. "I'm gonna go find Kanako-sama… See you, guys."

...Cuddlenuggets, dude.

...When Ha-chan successfully wraps her arms around her, the straw breaks the camel's back. "Get the fuck out."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Ha-chan floats me down to the front door of the clinic, while Kaguya throws things at us.

"Hnn… Here." She plops me down on the dirt outside.

"Woo."

Ha-chan gets hit in the head by a garbage _basket_. "Ow…!"

"Let's find shelter from the rain, friend…" Gingerly, I goad her to the sliding door, and hunch over. "...Hunch over with me, yo. We're gonna be cold, sad hoboes…"

Despite being mildly confused by this description, she's fine with this idea. "Okay…?"

Hunching over, we stand in between the two sliding doors that enter the hospital clinic place thing.

…

Reisen eventually leaves her desk. The door slides open as she walks up to us, appearing inquisitive.

"...Whaddaya sha~y…" I slowly raise my hand to my ear. "...Shunnie!?"

...Reisen shakes her head, walking back to her desk.

Hyonk.

…

Idea. "Ha-chan, move to that second black pad."

...She smiles obliviously. "Wha~ht!?"

I wince from the volume, but grin. "Get over there, fluffy…"

Complying, she stands on the other black pad in the intro room thing, forcing it open by being on the sensor. The lobby is now exposed to the great outdoors!

...Reisen stares at us dryly, as the lobby's warmth flows towards the door we occupy…

"Honh." S'good.

...Man, it's a _really_ overcast kind of day!

…

Krakoo~m. Thunder, yo…

Suddenly, it pours cats and dogs outside! I mean, if only. Instead it just pours rain. I mean, s'alot of rain, but… yeah.

All the stuff Kaguya threw outside is gonna get soggy, dude.

…

I take out that weird ass bow Yukari gave me, and load another NERF dart. "Bon voyage, mon amie!" That's how you say it, right?

Aim outside…!

BANG

…

Ow. My ears are not having a good time, today…

I turn to the lobby, only to see Reisen holding a _huge_ sniper rifle.

…

"It was this bow." I explain.

"Oh…" She exhales. "Do-don't scare me, like that… I thought the pistons were back."

The Pistons. The pissed off versions of the Jetsons. Dear God.

They're probably like, Kingdom Hearts 2 Final Mix Data Battle levels of edgy uber boss power!

…

From the dark storm outside, Mokou surprises me by sprinting right up to the door. "Yo~!"

She pauses, out of breath, turning to me. "...Oh, it's you. The fuck're you doing here?"

"Soaking up the thirst of the land…" I smile warmly. "I'm a sponge bath."

…

Edging past me, she notices Ha-chan. "And the fairy?"

"She's fluffy." I gesture to her casually.

"Hi!" She waves her hand eagerly.

"...Hi, fluffy." Mokou awkwardly greets her, before power walking towards Reisen's desk.

Slamming her hands down on the desk, she speaks. "Hell of a time for it to start raining, because I found 'em."

Reisen tilted her head.

"...I mean I found the _snipers_ , you bunny fuck." Mokou growled. "They've pent up in a tower. The tower fires _lasers_."

"Hey." Reisen furrows her brows, proceeding to chide Mokou. "No need to be rude."

" _Tower_ _lasers._ " Mokou stresses.

...Reisen sighs. "They would, wouldn't they?"

Now that I think about it, couldn't Kanako have made it rain? How does that kinda crap affect the ecosystem, anyway?... I mean, considering s'all magic, irregular rainfall's probably not the biggest of deals.

"You better get a bloody army goin', pronto." Mokou demands. "They _wreckin'_ it, out there."

...Reluctantly, Reisen nodded. "Alright. I'll get some scouts going while I round up some elites…"

"...Good." Pleased with this demonstration of effort, Mokou shambles towards one of the plastic waiting room chairs, and plops down in it. "Haa~h…"

…

"Close the damn door, already." Mokou scowls at us. "I've had enough water for a good few hundred more years."

Oof.

Out of consideration for Mokou, I step off of the other door pad, letting it close.

The rain's patter is audible, the bleak light of the lobby shining out into the darkness outside…

"You picked a _hell_ of a time to come out here." Mokou huffed. "Surprised you didn't get your head blown off."

U~h…? "Why, friend?"

"They're elusive." Mokou narrows her eyes, recalling them. "They can phase through solid matter, but only to a certain level. They float through the air, but when they ready to fire, they're as heavy as rocks."

"Are they fluffles?" I raise a brow.

"Mmm." Mokou grimaces. "Stupid raggamuffins."

…

Krakoo~m. Thunder and _lightnin'!_

"Why does it have to rain _now…?_ " Mokou glares outside.

"Kanako Yasaka." I add.

She snorts. "Good one."

"No, for real, she was here earlier." I grin myself, holding out an arm. "Hear me out, yo."

"Yeah, okay." Mokou does not, infact, believe me.

"She and Sanae and Kaguya were playin' the video games, yo! The really crappy one Kaguya made!" I insist!

Mokou grins. "Yeah, that game she made. What a heap of shit." It feels good to be agreed with, yo…

…

Ha-chan tries to subtly get closer to Mokou.

…

"What do you want?" Mokou stared up at her once she edged her way directly in front of her.

"Hehehe~!" Giddily, Ha-chan darts away.

"...Weird." Mokou isn't sure what to make of that. "Fairies."

"When would ya think it's okay for me to head out?" I question the fire lady.

"..." She acknowledges that she heard me, but chooses to say nothing.

Oh, boy.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Sti~ll rainin'...

I take my miniature sailboat made out of toothpicks and recycled plastic fragments, and set it to sea!

"Oo~h…!" Ha-chan watches it float!

…

A wave of rain water blindsides it, smashing it to pieces quickly and violently.

...Ha-chan deflates, leaning over.

Daw.

The rabbit at the desk walks over to us. "...You know, you two _can_ come inside…"

Both Ha-chan and myself turn to her. I point. "Engage the _rabbiteer!_ Ha-chan, use wing attack!"

Ha-chan turns around, and slowly progresses towards the cream-haired rabbit girl as she flaps her wings rapidly.

She just pensively stares at the approaching Ha-chan, until her wings are in her face.

Tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic!

Ha-chan was having a great time. "Hehehe-"

"Achoo!" The cream-haired rabbit sneezed, startling Ha-chan.

"Woah!" Ha-chan looked unsure of the source of the noise...

Freakin' fairy wings, yo. That reminds me…

"Can you use fairy dust for crafting fun things?" I ask the bunny.

"I-I don't know…" She rubs her nose. "Maybe?"

...Ha-chan turns to me, flapping her wings rapidly. "Come he~re…!"

Woah no! "Ha-chan, yo-"

Tic-tic-tic!

I backpedal before her soft wings can slap me any further. Freakin', yo! "Oof, yo…" Fairy dust smells good, at least. It's a bit-

"Tsst…" I sneeze into my wrist, blocking it. "...Tsst! Tsst! Aachoo!" Dang. I couldn't stop it…

...As I was sayin', fairy dust's a little overwhelmin'.

"Hehehe~!" Ha-chan has too much fun doing that.

I must find Eirin and ask her about the properties of fairy dust!

"Do you-..." Aa~h… gotta snee~ze…!

"Tsst!" Freakin'... "...Do you know where to find Eirin, yo?"

The cream-haired rabbit jerks her head back. "U-uhm… no?"

Noob.

"...I can phone her for you." She fidgets.

Queen of all.

"...I-I'll do that, then." She reads my expressions, moving to the desk's phone…

...Ha-chan moves her wings into my arm.

Tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Alright, and a one, and a two…!"

Ha-chan and I sloppily slap the arms of the chairs in the main lobby…

"Freakin'..." We messed up! "Ha-chan, yo, you gotta do the-" I tap thrice, "-when I do the..." ...I try and tap the riff I envisioned, only to tap my hands down wrong. "I mean…" ...Oh, shieut.

We're trying to play 'staking your life on a prank' on the chair arms while we wait for Eirin!

My fairy friend pouts. "I'm confused…"

I sigh. "You're always confused, friend…"

It's cuddly, though.

The cream-haired rabbit girl watches us boredly, slowly drifting off to sleep as she leaned over on the desk…

Click, click, click, click…

Them's Eirin's heels!

I perk up from the seats, staring at the hallway door.

She pushes it open. "What is it that demands my attention?"

Ooh! I wave my hand. "Me, me, me! It's me!"

Ha-chan stomps in place next to me, making noise.

...Eirin gives us a flat stare, before looking at the cream-haired fellow. "...Well?"

She perks up. "Oh- ah- aah… Th-th- him!" She points at me. "He-he wants you to talk with him."

…

"...I already told you what you wanted." Eirin scowled at me. "If you're here to make demands, be aware that their price is _steep_."

Buff them edges, moonie. "...I wanna know what I can do with fairy dust." I gesture to Ha-chan.

She smiles wider.

"See? She's cuddly." I look at Eirin casually and flatly.

…

"Oh." Eirin takes an awkward moment to recompose herself. "My apologies. Follow me, then, if you will."

Woo!

We begin tailing Eirin, into the bleak, at times poorly lit halls of the clinic-mansion-hospital-military-all-in-one house.

"Fairy dust…" Eirin echoes. "What do you want to know?"

"How to use, when to use, why to use…" I try to think of more… "...Is it okay to swallow, and do I need to check with my doctor?"

"...Those last two are 'yes' and 'no', if those were real questions." Eirin hesitantly begins. "If we are talking how to apply fairy dust, I must ask if this is for offensive purposes or if it is medicinal."

Offensive? "Can I make a gun out of it?"

"No." She replies flatly.

Woah no.

"You can, however, imbue weapons with it." She provides. "It allows one to lower the accuracy of their enemies, were they able to distribute fairy dust onto their foes. It's largely useless as an imbuement unless you already have a rapid ballistic firearm." With that, she shakes her head. "In that scenario, the bullets typically negate the effect of the dust. It's very unfortunate."

Hmm~...

She pushes a door open, leading us into a brightly lit check-up room.

On the bed, though, is a generic wolfman. "...Aa-aagh… doc?"

...Eirin sighs. "We are short on rooms, at the moment. Between those that were vandalized, and those that were occupied. Forgive our lacking resources."

Hoh, shit…!

...She gestures for Ha-chan to come closer, and she does.

"Adding fairy dust to melee weapons is the easiest form of imbuement possible, but also the most useless, for the dust will never make it into the opponent's eyes, blood stream, nasal passages, or mouth." Eirin leans over, taking a scapul from a nearby table, despite not even looking at it. She twirls it in her hand, and inspects Ha-chan's wings…

...Tic, tic-tic-tic-tic-tic!

...Eirin stands straight again, face covered in fairy dust. She blows a small puff off her face. "...I'd like to add that she must _sit still_ am I to do anything."

Ha-chan pouts. "O~kay…"

...Eirin leans back over, checking her wings…

…

She takes the scapul, and scrapes the glossy bit of her wing a bit, a thick layer of dust falling into her hand.

It shimmers and crinkles in the sterile light, brimming with magic.

Eirin holds it close to her face. "...Seems healthy. Not that there'd be otherwise, on a fairy. Just checking."

...You worry me, Eirin.

...She turns, placing the dust onto a nearby plate. "Fairy wings typically produce dust en masse, on a daily basis. They only shed by flight or contact, but none is usually left behind, because it is the dust in and of itself that allows fairies subconscious flight. It is the one spell the fairy body simply 'knows' how to execute, above all others."

...Wait. "What about respawning?"

Eirin replies instantly. "Not a spell, not one that belongs to the fairies, at least. It is simply nature."

Huh.

"Fairy dust can, however, be collected, and removed from a wing manually. One must be careful, however. Fairies _do_ have pain receptors on their wings. I'll put it this way: it's far kinder to outright cut their wings off than it is to take chunks. However, neither option is required for simple melee weapon imbuement."

...Ha-chan and I both relax. G'dimmit, Eirin.

Taking a plastic baggie, Eirin begins scraping off smaller chunks with her scalpul, ones that I wouldn't have even normally seen on her wings without having seen them fall from them. It's like they're almost invisible until the scalpul digs in. It's so weird.

"...Always make sure to scrape from the central portions, and not near any fancy extremities. Not only is the risk of injury to the fairy higher, but you might collect elemental residue, which would likely result in elemental backlash from the wing's nature."

Holy shit Eirin talks a lot. This is informative, but where does she find the thought process to be like, instant textbook? Yo…

...Ha-chan shivers and makes funny faces as Eirin scrapes the dust into the bag. "...You _do_ plan on imbuing a melee weapon, right? One only knows what tragedy might befall someone's eyes were you to begin _thinking_ of projectile arms."

I nod. "Yeah." I put zero thought into it. Actually… "I have a plant hanger that does wind attacks."

...Eirin pauses, and turns to me, offering me a questioning stare. Then, she turns back to Ha-chan's wings. "This may not be useless, after all. Be warned that most beings of any reputable magical prowess are likely immune to the effects of fairy dust, as I exemplified earlier."

Ho ho.

"...Fairy dust is also used by some women to make their hair sparkle." Eirin adds idly, as she begins taking from Ha-chan's other wing.

 _Yes_. "I wanna do that."

...Eirin shrugs.

Du~hu~hude!

"I typically charge a high price, as many human women are afraid to approach fairies. However, this one will be free, mostly because I am aware you'd likely try it on your own and inevitably hurt the fairy." Eirin jabs at me while still giving a freakin' class on fairy dust.

Oof.

"...I could tell you more, but I believe I've said enough."

With that, Eirin stands up, two full bags of sparkly, cloudy fairy dust in each.

I nod. "Yeah, I think I know enough about fairy dust for the rest of my life."

"...How about the imbuement process?" Eirin grins. "...If only because it's indeed possible to handle the dust wrong and suffocate to death."

 _Well_. "...I _would_ like to know that, yo."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 42

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY:

Youkai Inconveniencer - Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

Holy Talismans - Provides a holy upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

Electric Talismans - Provides an electric upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out…

A Wiffle Duster - For shoving up people's rectums.

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

baked nuggets.

some of me tryin'a break the SERIOUS FLOW of the previous chapters, but yukari bein' YUKARI and gettin' all up in my BIZ

curaga hugs :3

dunno if the serious flow just be me bein' EDGY or GROWING AS A WRITER; maybe grains of each…

anyway yeah, friendly things

progress has SLOWED because of college but by no means HALTED; i try for at least 1-2-3 k words on BAD DAYS / MOST DAYS, but more can be expected if i'm HYPED

as always, see you all next time!


	52. Night of Fate

(in which we ride a roomba faster than light)

"...Now, when it comes to handling fairy dust," Eirin begins, "one must keep a cautious mind when moving the bag. Any sudden motions will dissipate a fraction of it into particles in the air."

Ho~h, shit…!

"For this reason, I encourage you to, simply…" She pulls out a large container. "I've made this specifically for doing fairy dust related operations, as it's fairly cumbersome otherwise. Larger parts can be enchanted in this chamber, and it has options for enchanting blades."

Y'know… "Why do ya have so much fairy dust related stuff?"

Eirin gave a tilted smile. "Tried to corner the market. Turns out there _wasn't_ a market. No harm done, overall."

Pffft.

I take out Swift Brand. I desire for this to be enchanted!

Eirin's stare was dry. "...You want _that_ enchanted?"

She receives a grin. "Ye, ye. Ye. It's my _weapon_ , yo."

...Sighing, she shrugs. "If that's what you really want."

I hand her the hanger when she gestures for it, and she places it in the container. It was like a large cooking pot with a glass dome lid. Swiftly, she poured the fairy dust inside, and slid the lid over it before the dust could escape.

"There." She relaxed. "Were it a dagger or other smaller arms, I'd be able to simply stick it in the bag. A _plant hanger_ is just a _tad_ bulky."

Hyonk.

...She presses a button on the side, and with a loud, vacuum-esque noise, the fairy dust seems to solidify on the hanger.

"...There's physics to how fairy dust works." Eirin states. "I'll just say that its properties of matter are very different than what you're likely used to in outside schools."

...Y'sayin' I'm stoopid?

...After a moment, she presses the button again.

CLANG

The hanger bounces around the inside of the container. Brilliant yellow sparkles shine on the inside, only traces of purple left in the container.

"It is now safe to open." Eirin provides. "Opening it early would only be safe if you ran in the other direction, and left it alone for thirty minutes. The fairy dust would have to adequately dissipate, otherwise you'd suffocate."

...Oof. Actually… "Why does the fairy dust suffocate people?" Stupid question, I suppose, but-

"The mana serves to irritate those of lower magical prowess. It's a survival feature that's supposed to keep fairies from being eaten whole, I assume by immense youkai. We don't have many like that anymore." Eirin summarizes. "Someone like me is immune to the effects. Mages and youkai with magical affinities will likely have varying levels of resistance. Humans are probably the most susceptible."

Good thing I'm human!

"...Anyway, here." She takes out Swift Brand, and hands it to me…

Cha~ching! "Yo, ho, ho!"

"...I will ask that you do something for me, however." Eirin amends.

Yo~u asshole.

She grins. "...Do not be upset, it is a simple task."

So says the _founder of the lunarian society_.

Eirin gives her instructions. "All I wish for you to do is act as morale."

...What does _that_ mean?

"Understand?" She grins.

No. "No."

…"I mean I want you to go around and convince them to not fear death."

Well when you put it like that it sounds _freakin' impossible_.

"...What do you not understand?" Eirin looks annoyed. "I've heard you have a reputation for being amusing among the fodder. I had thought you'd make a good clown for them. Was I wrong?"

Well, no! But-

"Speak." Freakin'...!

"Kinda!" I object, freakin' puttin me on the _spot_. "I can try! I mean, making them _not fear death_ seems a little steep for freakin' fairy dust!"

She snorts. "Oh. You objected to the wording. In that case, how about… 'make them happier about dying'?"

Who _are_ you. It does _sound_ better, though…

I nod, and she smiles. "Good, great. I'll give you a card incase they get any smart ideas. Do not get me wrong, seeing my rabbits perish is a tragedy, but with the adversities we are facing, it is inevitable."

You know, I don't think they'd like to hear you say that…

She hands me a card, and pats me on the shoulder. "You may do anything but have sex with them, if only because you'd not survive."

I don't wanna know…!

"Or kill them. Not that you could." Eirin keeps adding things. "Actually, just use common sense. I assume you didn't live this long without it."

Wouldn't be so sure 'bout that…!

She puts the pot on the counter aside us again. "You may leave. I have some cleaning up to do, here…"

Alright, yo.

I approach Ha-chan, who seems to have been ripping apart a napkin while we were busy enchanting Swift Brand. Actually…

Since Swift Brand got upgraded, I'm gonna need a new name for it! Yo ho ho!

"Let's skedaddle, Ha-chan." I gesture for her to follow!

"Yea~h!" She's eager to get goin'!

Let's see… a name for Swift Brand…

Fairy Brand, Swift Fairy… they both sound freakin' fun!

Actually, Fairy Brand gives me future ideas! I'm goin' with that.

Ha-chan latches onto my arm in the midst of the hallway, stopping my progress. "Huh?"

I look forward, and there's a fluffle there. Awwh.

…

It's not moving, and the legs underneath it are limp, as if it turned towards me without using them.

Oh, fuck, no. It's one of _these_ bastards again…

It stares into my eyes. I stare back into the abyss.

…

"Br-Brad-kun…" Ha-chan hugs my arm.

I blink.

A piercing, loud note enters my ears.

;;;;;;;;;''''''''''''''''',.,.,.,.,.,.,.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

What the hell is that noise!?

I reach for my ears, and where the _fuck_ am I?

Oh, shit, it's raining, too! Aah! Water bad for Brad!

As I try to run, I stop as the barrel of a rifle is pointed at my face.

"Freeze!"

Oh, trust me, I'm freezing. It's cold as _balls_ out here!

I can't even see the lunar rabbit behind the gun, it's so dark out here.

"...Y-you?"

Is that Reisen? Where the hell am I!?

...Reisen pulls me closer, behind a tree trunk. "What are you _doing_ out here?"

I shake my head. "I don't freakin'-"

" _Get down!_ " Reisen shouts with more force than I thought possible from her, and she pushes me to the floor, diving with me. We both land in a wet puddle, mud clinging to our clothes.

Red, diamond-shaped bullets pause in the air over us.

Ti-ti-ting…

…

After a moment, they collide with the wood in front of us. I can see searing, red marks in the wood in front of us; they almost burned through.

More tings resonate, as the rainy sky above us fills with dim, stationary, red bullets.

The blue bullets of the lunarian plasma rifles soar into the sky. I see something grey in the sky brush by the gunfire, twirling through the air and into the darkness.

Man am I _fucked_ out here!?

The red shots all travel instantly, colliding with the bamboo.

"Agh…!" I hear a rabbit cry out. "M-my…"

Reisen stays silent.

…

Suddenly, she jerks my head towards hers. "Look into my eyes. Everything will be a mess, but you'll be able to make me out in it. Follow me."

Holy shit, okay!

I stare into her glowing red eyes, and for a moment, I admire their beauty.

…

…

Probably longer than a moment. It looks like day time, now, and- _holy shit…!_

An explosion of colors floods my vision, making me dizzy. I forget if I'm standing or crouching…

I make out Reisen ahead of me, waving to me with a smile. Everything's a blur as I follow her, a whirlwind of trippy colors. Sometimes I see a brief image of her winking at me, or doing a cute gunhand pose or something…

Smells like flowers, too!

I leap over pits as bright blue diamond-shaped _holy shit those are the red bullets_ soar past my figure.

The Reisen grabs my hand and jerks me along, pulling me out of the way of some of the bullets. I have no idea how long this lasts, but when it ends, I find myself on the floor of Eientei's lobby.

My ass hurts. Like, legit. Did I just get laid? What happened!?

"O-oh my god…" Cream-hair earth hare! How do you fare? "Are you okay!? Say something!"

"...O-ouch…" I'm in pa~in!

"D-don't worry…!" She begins hyperventilating. "I-I'll get someone! I will! I'll do it this time!"

Words that do _not_ help in this exact situation!

She rushes to the phone, and picks it up, mashing random keys. "Hi-hi, hi! Help!"

Hoo~, boy…

"...Darn it!" She slammed it into the phone holding slot thing, and plucked it back out. "He-hello!? Hayakawa-san!? Ha-hayakawaha-sahaha~n…!" She began crying.

I might as freakin' well _crawl_ to the E.R. at this point. "Get yourself together…" Assertive voices are hard from the floor. "Calm and shit…"

My words do _something_... "...A-ah, Ha-hakayawana-san?" ...but I don't know what.

"Ye-yes…" I try to stand and- ass! _Ass!_ Pa~ins! Fu~ck that… "Ghh…"

...She dials numbers on the phone again.

…

"A-ah? Yes!? Is- are you Hayakawakaka-s-san!? Yes, em-emergency! Emergency!" Creamie reached her friend! She better hurry the fuck up!

…

This _hurts!_

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I'm glad they brought a stretcher. I don't think I could've gotten to this bed otherwise…!

This orange-haired lunarian hovered over me- I was lying on my stomach, by the way. I had an _ass_ problem. Her hair was all done up in buns! "Relax, hun. I'm gonna put you on some anesthetic, now."

If you balls it up and kill me with it, I'm gonna _haunt_ your ass. "Mrhm..."

She attaches the mask to me…

…

Gettin' kinda diz-

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

…

Aa~h…

Slowly opening my eyes, everything is blurry…

…

Oh, look. It's Eirin.

"...I see you managed to get yourself shot within ten seconds of leaving my office." She sighs. "If there was a record for that, I'm sure you'd have broken it. Did I _not_ tell you to refrain from flirting with the rabbits?" I get reprimanded by the docta'.

"Haha." Ti~red… "I-I saw this fluffle, yo… It telemaported me outside, and then I got shot by those grey things, I think."

…

Eirin turned away from me. "Your posterior has been stitched up, by the way."

I assume my ass got blown off. Since I no longer feel it, I am fine with this development.

She begins walking out of the room. "I'll think up a suitable payment later. See to it that you attempt that morale boosting I asked of you."

Raising my hand to flick her off, she leaves before I can even contemplate whether or not that's a good idea.

…

Reluctantly, I clamber out of the bed, moving to the hallway door…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

That's it. Take two. Redo. I'm gonna kick some freakin' fluffle ass!

...But first, I'll need some of the _big guns_ , yo~...

Stepping out of my surgery room, I find that it's literally a hop and a skip away from the front lobby.

In here, Mokou sat against the wall, bloodied and sad. Deep, red gashes line her figure as she leans against the wall, her eyes closed, portraying a solemn expression. Blood ran down her mouth, and uh…

"Wow." I state. She's dead. For now, anyway.

Eirin walks out from behind the counter, moving up to the immortal. She leaves a tray of various pills next to her, before moving towards the hallway ahead, leaving the immortal's corpse behind.

...I just kinda stare at Mokou.

…

I crack my knuckles, and look around the room…

Creamie's still at the desk, looking absolutely _traumatized_. "...Sh-she… she's dead…"

Oh no. "Rest in pieces." I nod slowly… "...Yo, broom closet. Where's one at?"

…Creamface's eyes close. "...Le-left."

Oof. I look to the left…

...I see the hallway I came from, and doors!

Guess we're doin' this the _hard_ way, yo…

Dashing into the hallway, I keep running until a particularly large door crosses my vision… What's in here, yo?

Swinging the door open, I find…

…

 _Yo._

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Hyo~nk, hyo~nk!"

Riding a large floor cleaner through the halls, I have my trusty Fairy Brand and Tundra Bloomer at my sides, tied on with apron strings I had amassed from the same broom closet this giant cleaner-mobile came from.

Actually, does this thing have a horn…? I press the center-

Hooo~nk!

Hell yeah!

...

I take out that card Eirin gave me. On closer inspection, this card reads 'Brad, Officer of Aesthetic Inter-Relations. Clearance Level A-S'.

Well, that's one letter away from being absolute irony. At least it doesn't hurt to sit! Eirin is good healer woman.

…

Vroo~m!

A door opens ahead, and I'm forced to swerve out of the way. A red-suit clad rabbit ran out, gaping at me. "Wh-what…!?"

I wave at her. "Signal next time, asshole!" Get owned, blondie!

Scowling, she draws two fingers, pointing them at me. "Imposter! Cease your misuse of that device!"

Sigh. Freakin' cops, yo.

Hopping off the device, I begin stepping towards her. She moves towards me, looking aggressive, but I hold my card up. "S'my ID, officer. I swear I'm not smuggling fluffles under the hood of my Roomba."

...Furrowing her brows, she looks at the card. Then, she rolls her eyes. "Oh, it's _you._ "

Hehe~y!

"...I have my eye on you, loser." She sneers at me.

Aa~ww…

"...Are-are you crossdressing as Kaguya?" My state of dress is commented upon, and her sneer becomes more of a domineering grin.

I shake my head. "No, friend, I _am_ Kaguya."

…

"Okay." With a sigh, she nods… "Okay, _Kaguya_. We're _all_ about to die, and you're riding a floor cleaner. Please, tell me how you're going to fix all of this."

"By sitting on my ass, and playing video games!" I grin. "Ho ho!"

She snorts. "...You're not far from the truth, there."

Moving towards my trusty go kart roomba, I hop on, and pat the back. "Room for two, yo!"

"I need to organize my division." She counters, frowning. "If we're all going to die uselessly… I'd rather not feel like it's useless while I'm dying."

That gives me an idea…

But she can sit out, if she wants. "Alright, yo. I-..."

Hold the fuck up.

I see a fluffle. It swirls towards me, unblinking, its legs swerving limply underneath it.

No you fuckin' don't, son.

Unblinking myself, I act fast. Running towards towards the fluffle, my eyes burn from the unexpected withholding of my blinking in the bleak light, and I draw Fairy Brand. Clumsily freeing it from the string, I hit the fluffle.

Thunk!

Get owned!

Bludgeoning the tiny jerk, I beat it back into dust…

FwooWao~mp…

Once it dissipates into dust, I'm rendered gravityless for a moment.

...I do a little air-swim…!

Then it comes back in double.

Thud- Claaa~ng! That last one was the Roomba smashing into the floor, again...

"Ugh…" Blonde rabbit babe groans. "Why?"

Fluffles. That's why.

...Struggling to lift my face from the floor, I climb back into an upright position, and trudge towards the cleaner…

Gravity returns to normal, and I move too fast accidentally, slamming my face into the side of the Roomba instead. "...Mmph." I eat Roomba metal.

…

"Get the immortal, and leave." The rabbit girl sees me off, walking back towards her room. "You'll die here."

Now that's just _askin'_ me to do something! I mean, sure, asshole snipers, but freakin'... I feel like there's some way out of this! That _doesn't_ involve me riding a Roomba off into the distance…

Guess I just gotta keep drivin' for now, yo…

I hop back onto the Roomba.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BATTLE FOR THE BUNNIES ====

Using the clearance card, and one of the pens I amassed from hell knows where, I make a crudely drawn map of the halls I've been to so far…

No idea what the boundaries of this place are, or if the map helps… but y'know. Feels good, yo.

However, I've made a mark where 'blonde serious bunny' lives, just incase. I've got a bad feelin' about this whole situation.

Leaving a polished floor behind me, I pilot my Rooma into the depths of Eientei's bleakly lit hospital halls…

That's when the power goes out. Why _wouldn't_ it?

...This is shit.

Taking the left turn ahead, 'cause _why not_ , I just keep drivin'...

From my last visits to Eientei, I remember lunar and Earth rabbits alike moving through these halls. Even now, there's not a soul. I mean, this place never had Scarlet Devil Mansion levels of density, but… yo.

…

Time to hop off, and look through some doors!

I'd use Youkai Inconveniencer, but I wanna conserve mana, fer now… and the halls still have a faint tinge of light to them, weirdly. That, or there's a light _somewhere_ contaminating the darkness of the halls. Some of these doors are lit, so that's not impossible.

Opening the first door… darkness! Cool, great, I'll just see myself-

Stuff clatters inside.

"honh honh"

Savages.

Cautiously, I decide to draw Youkai Inconveniencer anyway, and activate the flashlight function…

Ahead of me, a fluffle scurries into the light, flops around, and then scurries back out.

Freakin' dust mites!

...Panning the light around, I see some very conveniently placed metal and crap in the middle of the room, fluffles crawling on it. Odd, wire-esque metal bar formations are being tinkered with…

I move to step in-

"Don't."

 _Holy shit!_

Whirling around, I almost blindside a freakin' tall, green-haired bunny girl! She leaps back, eyes wide. "Ka-Kaguya-sama!?"

…

She's also got twin-tails… and makes a gun shape with her hand. Woah no! "Yo! Clearance level A-S, brother!"

…

She relaxes. "Wh-what are you doing here…?"

What the frik. Do they just _know?_

"I ain't afraid of no fluffs." I boldly declare to her!

...She sighs. "...If Kaguya-sama can't do anything about this, I'm pretty sure you can't. Th-thanks, though..."

Pffft. "Hop aboard my Roomba, yo. I named it the…" I need a good name for it!

...Daa~h…

"...Still need a good name!" I decide.

…

"Alright." Pressing her fingers together, she moves around the side… "Most of my squad's out on patrol. I'm here because…" Grimacing, she lifts her shirt slightly, to reveal red bandages. "...I can still escort you out."

Escort? Screw that, yo, screw that. "Don't worry, yo. _I'll_ escort _you_."

My declaration is dismissed. "...If you want to look at it like that."

Freakin'...

I hop on the Roomba, and pat the back. "Hop on, friend."

Gladly complying, she politely holds only the sides of my waist. Which, y'know, good enough for me… that, and I don't think a giant Roomba's gonna be doin' no drifts any time soon.

Oh, yeah. I never got this, either… "What's your name?" How awkward!

"...Furuta." She fidgets. "...I'm just a private. Th-there's not a lot I can do… but getting you out will be one of them!"

Oh, yeah! The fluffle room! I almost forgot about it… but she told me not to go in. I think I _won't_ , then.

"Ya got any more squad mates down here?" I ask her. It'd be nice to know, 'cause yeah.

She shakes her head.

…

"Why are the lights on, wit' no power?" I realize.

...Furuta doesn't respond, just staring at me. "Don't open them. Whatever you do."

...O~kay.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BATTLE FOR THE BUNNIES ====

These empty hallways are actually kinda neat! I can like, swe~rve…!

…

Swe~rve…!

…

Swe~-

"Please, cut that out…"

Furuta, you're no fun.

Bam!

We drive into the wall because I wasn't payin' attention…

"Eep!" Furuta clings to me. Ooo~!

...After a moment, she shifts back into a more polite stance. "Genuinely…"

Honh, honh, honh.

Anywa~y…

Yo yo yo, there's another big door here! I hop off of the Roomba, and shawi~ng it open…!

Inside, there is no additional Roomba. There is, however, a spinny chair.

Lugging the spinny chair outside, I drag it towards the Roomba…

Furuta stares at me vainly. "...We need to move. We can't waste time!"

You're not wrong, bu~t… "I've gots a good way for us to track our progress, yo!"

...Her brow raises.

"Hop off for a sec, yo." It is time to _craft!_

With numerous strained motions, I place the spinny chair onto the Roomba. Utilizing Flame Salvo, I manage to give each chair leg small taps so that the plastic'd melt a bit. Like this, the chair was attached to the top!

...Furuta gives a deep sigh, rubbing her face with her hands. Her disappointment is palpable.

Standing on top of the Roomba, I proceed to place Deep Blue on the top of the spinny chair, using the crappy belt that was on it to strap it into place. It was one of those weird secure spinny chairs… Are those even normal things? Freakin'... I dunno.

I turn the valve on max.

Sprtzzz~!

The hose blast of water makes the chair begin spinning, and I'm forced to duck and slide off the Roomba to avoid being splooshed.

Furuta can do little but gape.

"Jesus fuck." I grin widely. "It's a _windmill_ , dude!"

"That is _not_ a windmill!" Furuta yells back. "That's not _anything!_ "

Hopping onto the Roomba, I pat the spot behind me. "Get on, yo! If we move fast enough, we won't get wet!"

...Conflicted, Furuta decides to hop on. "Those dusty… _things_ will find us in no time like this! You're _killing_ us!"

How.

Ignoring her, I keep driving forward!

"...Idiot!" She voices her rage!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BATTLE FOR THE BUNNIES ====

Finding rabbits got a _lot_ easier when I began flooding the shit out of the place.

Earth rabbits with a variety of hair colors came out of the freakin woodwork, and now I've got like six of them trailing behind me with various debris as umbrellas.

Smash!

A random vase was knocked over by my Roomba's water jet. Paintings fell when struck, and occasional doors were pushed open, when they were open.

Smash!

Dude! The Roomba's driving _over_ the vase fragments! Cru~nch…!

"I want off." Furuta objects to these practices.

I turn to her partially, grinning. "I want it _on_ , yo. I want it _on_ like _Donkey Kong!_ Ooh, ooh, aah, aah!"

...Furuta chuckles incredulously. "I-I'm _so_ going to die…"

Taking a left turn, we wind up in a familiar hall…!

The doors are all fully lit, and this hall vaguely has lighting, apparently! Only the lights around Kaguya's room, anyway…

More crap shatters around me, causing familiar faces to emerge from some doors.

"What _is_ this…!?" Sakura, the red-clad, grey-haired bunny stares at us with her jaw dropped.

"It's god's own anti-son-of-a-bitch machine!" Yo ho ho! "I'm here to wake up sleepin' beauty with a punch to the _kisser!_ "

Sakura's expression doesn't change.

As fun as that name is, that will not be the final name for the mighty Roomba of destiny. I don't _think_ , anyway...

Hopping off of it, Furuta is left to her devices on the only dry spot in her vicinity, while I stomp through the puddles to-

Gaa~h! The water hit me in the back! Shit!

…

Soggily, I open Kaguya's door…

It swings open.

...Kaguya is sitting at a kotatsu, watching the rain. She yawns, before turning to me. "...What the fuck?"

"Ooga booga booga!" I rouse her attention! "Getcha lazy _ass_ up, this ain't no… _Princess and the Pea_ shit! We're under siege!"

My call to arms rattles Kaguya more than it does call her to arms. "What!?"

"Burglars!" I insist! "Bungaloes! Freakin'... Hwachas! They got CMP-one fifties!"

...She flips the kotatsu top over, and rushes towards her couch. Reaching under it, she pulls out two lunarian plasma rifles, and frowns. "Why doesn't anyone tell me about these things!?"

Yo ho ho~!

"Where are they?" Kaguya questions as she heads for the door. Once she's in the door frame-

Splash!

The spinning water tempest of mine splashes her.

…

She aims her rifles at it.

"Don't shoot it, friend!" I stop her. "That's a weapon of ours!"

"How is that a fucking we-... You know what? I don't wanna know." Kaguya sighs. "Just take me to the action. I'll clean this all up myself."

She steps outside, only to be greeted by Furuta and Sakura. The former looks like she's about to cry from excitement. "O-ohmygod, ohmygod, miss Kaguya-sama~!"

Sakura bows. "Kaguya-sama."

"I know, I know." Kaguya hops onto the Roomba. Then, she notes the Earth rabbits. "What are _these_ assholes doing here?"

...The rabbits quickly dissipate, put off by the fact Kaguya was holding dual plasma rifles.

"They were just taking baths…" I defend the fluffy bunnies.

"Yeah, well, they'll be _cleaning_ the baths if they don't scram." Kaguya exemplifies that she is still, infact, a princess. "Little runts're only good scrappers on their _own_ terms. Otherwise, it's a threeway free for all. Dumbasses."

Hyonk. "...I shall drive the Roomba, yo."

Kaguya sticks her middle finger at me. "No, you'll aim the retarded water cannon. You guys…" She takes her plasma rifles, and tosses them to the two rabbits.

Sakura objects. "Kaguya-sama, I already-"

"Dual wield." Kaguya rolls her eyes. "Who're we fighting? Mokou brought friends, or what?"

"Flu-fluffles…" Furuta meekly contributes.

…

"Are you fucking _joking_ with me?" Kaguya seethed. "I thought that ended a _week_ ago! Have you all had your hands up your asses the entire time!?"

Furuta shrunk back from Kaguya's rage. "I-I'm sorry…!"

Sakura rose a brow. "...I did not know we were under attack, again. We were ordered vigilance, but that was all."

...I nod. "Yeah, I saw the mooks. They're, uh… burly."

Kaguya turns to me. "They're _fluffles_ , pussy."

Yo! "They like, got _lasers!_ "

...Kaguya grins. " _We've_ got lasers."

She don't get it, yo… but I guess we'll find out just how good they are in hallways. Considering Mokou was dead, I dunno if having just Kaguya with guns around is enough.

The Roomba begins moving. I hop up to the seat-

Splash!

Just in time to meet the water, yeah, yeah...! I grab the spinny seat, ready to aim it and stuff. The armed rabbits hop onto the Roomba's side, guns propped to defend the flank.

"The power's out, huh?" Kaguya observed. "Guess my backup generator works…"

Freakin' backup power, yo. Even better than a surge protector!

"Our communications tower is down." Sakura informs us. "All of our walkie-talkies were scrambled."

"Obviously not a good reason to go out and _do something_." Kaguya continued complaining. "Why would you?"

...Sakura sighed. "Reisen and her elites recently left to see to it. They've not arrived back yet, from what I'm aware."

…

We come to a decision! ...A _hallway_ decision!

"Again, _where?_ " Kaguya impatiently demands.

...Actually, we should check up on that blonde rabbit! "Thatta way, yo!" I point where I _think_ leads to the rabbit.

She makes the turn. "Good. Glad _that_ was easy."

Ho ho…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BATTLE FOR THE RABBITS ====

We pass the hall where Furuta came from, driving on a straight course towards blondie's abode…

Ting!

A single, red bullet zips in front of us, and hangs in the air.

Uh oh.

I spray water at it, but it doesn't seem to do anything. Kaguya leers up at it. "...That's it?"

It then zips towards her.

"Ghuh!?" She jerks back and hits the spinny seat. The bullet passes straight through her and burns into the Roomba below, a stream of scorched blood following it out. "Fu- _fuck…!_ "

Furuta blanches, rushing to her side. "Ka-Kaguya-sama!? Kaguya-sama!"

Kaguya is frustrated by her care, however. "Ge-get off me, idiot! Where'd th-that shot come from…?" Kaguya holds onto her wound from the stomach, not noticing her blood pouring out from behind, onto the Roomba's cracked plastic exterior.

Quickly, I begin scanning the hall. Beside us is a dark bathroom- as indicated by the two figures with and without a skirt. More dark doors surround us, closed.

I'm willing to take my chances with the bathroom!

Ting! Ting!

 _Really willing!_

"Everyone!" I abandon station, for now! "Here!"

Sakura and Furuta notice my direction, and begin moving towards the bathroom as well, firing suppressively into the darkness where the red bullets came from.

"Where are you going!?" Kaguya barks at us. "Get back-"

The bullets zip into her.

Blood spatters the side of the Roomba, unhealthy chunks sliding off it in places…

Eugh!

"A-achk…" Kaguya slides off the side of the Roomba, faceplanting on the floor. "He-hell…"

Thoroughly persuaded, Kaguya shambles along to join us, leaving a bloody trail on the floor as her three new gut wounds bleed everywhere. Her first one seems to have mostly closed up, though… That regen, dude.

The bathroom was darker than the hallways. Sakura took out a flashlight, and flipped it on. About time _one_ of us was equipped for this situation!

Of the three mirrors in here, one is shattered, scorch marks lining the wall where it should have been. Stall dividers were scattered on the floor uselessly, and one of the toilets was broken, a fountain of water coming out of it.

"They broke the _toilets._ " I'm at a loss, yo…

Kaguya let out a hoarse cough. "Kaugh, kaugh, kaaa~kh!" Lurching over, she threw up a plop of blood. "Guaagh…!"

I step back from it. Furuta looks petrified. "O-...Ka-...Kaguya-sama…?"

...I wanna say 'there was a sink right there', but that comment might not be appreciated right now!

Sakura goes further, nudging some of the stall dividers out of the way… Then, she freezes. "A-ah, Nozomi! Nozomi-chan!?"

She slides the dividers off of the rest of the unknown girl. I go up next ta her to stare down at it…

"..." Sakura simply stares down with wide eyes. Underneath the dividers, a lunar rabbit girl with short blue hair laid with her eyes closed. Her body was virtually untouched- scuffed in a few places from the dividers, dusty from the floor, but otherwise just fine.

Except there was a gash in her throat, a hole going straight through, pooled up with blood. Dark, red blood sat under her form, something I almost missed, somehow, until I looked harder.

"...No-Nozomi…" Sakura kneeled, tears streaming down her cheeks.

Furuta came to our side… "O-oh, no…"

...Damn.

...Furuta turned to Sakura. "...Did...did you know her?"

Sakura looked up at her, eyes full of tears and nose running. "I-I, she…"

...Kaguya leaned on the sink behind us, scowling as she watched the rabbits mourn, her wounds healing.

I have a feeling things just got _personal_.

…

Something slid in the wall, _through_ the wall.

We all turn when the sliding sound is heard, only to see something long and grey phasing through the wall's material itself. It reveals itself once more, poking its face out of the wall, along with some of its… its…

What the _hell_.

A fluffy face stared at us, surrounded by grey fabric of some description. Two long, fern-esque strands of rubbery, silky cloth ran down the side of the fluffle, a long, corset-esque torso piece holding the fluffle itself.

"Shewshewrerwrer!" The fluffle makes that kinda noise that's made when you scratch one of those cheap raincoats. It makes my freakin' skin crawl.

Ting!

The red bullet stops in front of my face.

Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope!

Fumbling for something, anything, I grab shit off the sink- bottles, crap, and then the mirror itself-

I can _hold_ this!

Better fuckin' work!

I slide the mirror in front of myself. Sakura fired at the fluffle with her plasma rifle, but it slid out of the wall, and into the floor, avoiding every shot.

The red bullet zips into the mirror-

Ting!

It rebounds off, soaring into the ceiling.

…

Kaguya moves up, and takes the second mirror. "Don't mind if I do."

"Wh-what was that...?" Furuta stammers, holding her gun weakly…

Sakura glares at the floor, still crying.

...

"It was a fluffle." I state plainly. "It had the face."

...Kaguya shook her head, smirking as she left the bathroom with her new mirror shield. "Can't believe this…"

With little further discussion, we followed her out, staring at the dark hall ahead…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: EIENTEI'S LAST STAND ====

I gots this feeling that I'm _in over my head here_.

The dark, silent hallway ahead has been both dark and silent for the past ten minutes as we drove down it. Doors previously lit are now dark.

Ti~ng!

The rabbits and I hide behind our mirror shield, while Kaguya hides behind hers.

…

The bullet collides with ours, and bounces back down the hall, illuminating the darkness with a dim, red glow. We see it return to sender.

What sounds like a splashing sound- not the one from Deep Blue- emanates down the hallway.

…

"Waaa~l!"

Leaping from behind my shield, the rabbits fire forward into the darkness. A fluffle crawled from useless grey fabric ahead, but was soon vaporized by the torrent of plasma bullets that came for it.

"...Ha!" Kaguya stuck her middle finger up at the darkness. "Fuck you!"

Small victories!

Screams are made audible from a room along the hall's side.

Sakura launches herself into action immediately, practically flinging herself at the door-

Bam!

Whelp, she up and bashed it open.

Inside, lunar rabbits with flashlights were firing into the darkness of the room wildly.

Ti-Ti-Ting!

I pressed in with my mirror shield, Furuta grouping up behind me. Sakura fell back behind the shield, as well.

...Ting!

Only one came for us, and it was sent back.

"Aaugh!"

"Ghuhk…" Thud.

Sakura and Furuta left the shield, firing into the darkness and lighting up the room further. I stared over my mirror shield…

One of the fern-like fluffle assassins floated towards a long, red-haired rabbit girl. She took a grenade from her belt, pushing a button on it, before tossing it forward towards it. It slid under it, and suddenly attacked with its fern appendages.

Shink! Shink! Shink!

Like blades, yet still like cloth, they cleaved through her form, turning her into a red mess of numerous parts.

"Aaaaa~h!"

The blonde rabbit screamed, firing at the fluffle. It was caught unawares after its attack, and was blown away easily by the plasma bolts. The fluffle inside the fabric flailed once it was knocked free, but it only had a split second to do so before it was massacred, reduced to dust.

The remaining assassin phased through the ceiling, vanishing.

…

"Arai…" Sakura speaks out. "Are… are you okay?"

"...N-no." Arai states bluntly. "My- my squad… They took my squad…"

...Sakura kneels beside her, and Furuta slowly steps up to her.

"...Fu-...Furuta?" Arai bleakly stares up at her. "...Yo-you're alive…"

"It-it's going to be okay, Arai…" Furuta hugs her. "We-we'll get out of this!"

…

Well. Eirin _told_ me to be morale.

Forcing a smile, I stand before the rabbits. "...We're gettin' outta here. And when we do, we're rounding up some friends, comin' back here, and kickin' some serious ass!"

...Arai scowls at me. "...Of-of course. Of _course_ a pervert like you would survive… bu-but my squad doesn't. Of _course!_ "

Oof.

Okay, bein' morale's harder than I thought!

The other rabbits say nothing. I dunno what to say in response, to somethin' like that. I don't think I should.

...I leave the room.

Outside, Kaguya grins at me. "Good job."

Yeah, yeah. I don't have the energy to retort, yo…

...Arai comes out to join us-

Splash!

The rabbits get caught by Deep Blue as they exit the room.

I can't help but grin.

"...What the _fuck_." Arai stares down at her suit.

Hyonk, hyonk, hyonk!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: EIENTEI'S LAST STAND ====

It's getting intense, here…!

The three rabbits and I all stood side by side, forming a wall with mirrors of varied sizes. Kaguya had her own on her forearm, ready to block at a moment's notice…

Ti-ti-ti-ti-ti~ng!

A barrage of lasers were thrown ahead of us.

…Ti-ti-ti-ti-ti~ng!

They went back home.

...A few fluffles fell before us, and Kaguya drilled into them with scattered plasma shots.

"Dumbasses." She grunted.

...Cra~ck!

We're getting closer to the front lobby, if my map is right. The ceiling shattered before us, fragments of burning rubbish and furniture collapsing before us.

"Damn it…" Kaguya got up from her seat, and manned the squirt cannon. With it, she doused the flames…

Ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-ti~ng!

The rabbits jumped, whirling around to guard against the wall of red lasers. It's nice that they stop mid-air for us to block them! Kaguya leaned from her turret, guarding...

...Ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-ti~ng!

Fluffles dropped to the floor, and were eviscerated.

"If it didn't work the first time…" Kaguya muttered, finishing up with the flaming hall section.

BOOM

Holy _shit!_

One of the piston-like machines from before slammed down, shaking the entire hall. Flames whirled around it as it began slowly walking out of the way, each leg creating a large shockwave as it gently stepped down, the pistons inside the tube-like legs being used to amplify the impact.

" _Hraaa~h!_ "

Mokou dove from a tornado of fire above, coming down on the piston machine- entire body engulfed in flames with two long, burning wings behind her.

Bam! Bam! Bam!

She threw fireballs at the top of the piston machine. It seemed to work, because each limb began falling from the machine individually, the pistons inside slowing and stopping…

The ground shook as they fell.

Kaguya grunted in annoyance. "So much _fire!_ Mokou, you dumbass! You're the only one here who's flame retarded!"

...Mokou glances down at us, sticks up her middle finger-

BOOM

A piston machine came from above, slamming Mokou out of the air. There was no blood to be found underneath the machine, or even a corpse. Flames licked the underside of the steel, before dying down…

Rip Mokou, again.

...Arrows of light flew in from above, landing atop the piston machine.

"Hi-Hi-Hi~!"

Boom, boom, boom!

...This piston machine fell apart similarly.

Eirin floated over us, loading her bow with cartoonish, yellow arrows. Spinning around, she noticed us…

"...Pr-princess?" Her eyes widened, floating down to greet us. "Was your room besieged?"

Kaguya grinned. "Probably. Why the fuck didn't you tell me about this?"

Eirin sighed. "It is not your place to fight in-"

Raising a hand, Kaguya mocked her. "'It is nawt your playce to fight in blah blah blah'... Okay, sure. Whatever. Now that I'm here, cover me, okay?"

"...You must flee." Eirin tells her. "You're in danger, here."

"I'm _immortal_ , dumbass!" Kaguya yells back.

Ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-ti~ng…!

...We're faced with a barrage of red laser shots from ahead. The rabbits and I all raise our shields pre-emptively…

Kaguya holds her arms out. "Power of time…"

Eirin's eyes widen. "Princess, don't!"

"Series of Eternity, cast to the past!" Kaguya begins glowing.

"I don't want to lose you!" Eirin kneeled before Kaguya. "Do not forsake my efforts! Pr-princess! _Princess! Kaguya!_ "

Ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-ti~ng!

...Both sides.

"Aaaaa~h!" Furuta screamed.

Sakura's eyes were wide with disbelief.

"And all of time shall **stop!** "

Magical prisms float around Kaguya, and she glows a pure, faint blue color. Then, a field of energy expands around her, inverting the color of everything it passes.

…

…

…

"Wait…" Kaguya whirled around. "The fuck?"

...I lower my mirror shield. Everything has gone still.

Her eyes widen, and she turns to me. "... _What._ Have you _done?_ "

Uh…?

I grin sheepishly…?

...She stares at my clothes. "...Of course. Time-resistant. You smartass piece of _shit._ "

What'd I do!?

...Sighing, Kaguya turns around, and stares at the still Eirin. The doctor's eyes are red, and she looks like she's about to cry.

…

"Geez." Kaguya awkwardly shifts around. "I didn't even leap back. Why's she so upset…?"

I'd like a question answered. "...What didja _intend_ to do?"

Kaguya turned to me. "...Abandon you all to hop back in time a bit and kill the fluffles. So that none of this shit could ever happen."

...I nod slowly. "You have actual time powers?"

...She shrugs. "They're stupid to use. Hopping back like, a day, is the only thing I can do without preparation. Two days? Wouldn't even be fuckin' worth it, then. It'd take two days to _prepare_ to jump back two days."

"You can stop time?" I question.

She huffs. "What's with all the questions? Yeah, yeah I can. I gotta do that stupid chant though, and that wasn't even the right chant. The real one's like, a _poem_. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like poetry, but reciting that anywhere's just _asking_ to get whacked by some cheeky asshat."

...Yeah, I think I agree with that. "I was gonna say, yo… If ya could just stop time at will-"

"I don't like seeing my rabbits die." Kaguya frowns. "...This is so fucking stupid."

…

I dunno why Eirin was so scared of Kaguya jumping back, but she managed to not jump back. Now, time seems to be stopped…

...Kaguya begins walking off. "C'mere. If we don't resume at the same time, you'll be stuck in time land forever."

Well, then…!

We walk into the main lobby, stepping through the flames harmlessly, as they were still and cold.

"What about the bunnies, yo?" I'd like for them to not die.

Kaguya pauses. "Oh, right. Ugh…"

We turn around, and return to them.

"Let's go find some mirrors." Kaguya states. "This is gonna take awhile, just so you know."

Your attitude sends conflicting messages, friend.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: EIENTEI'S LAST STAND ====

Flashlights do not work in timeout mode. That's some bull, yo…

"...So." Kaguya plucked a mirror off the wall.

"So." I plucked one off. We put them onto a pile of mirrors we had.

"Why'd you come _today?_ " Kaguya asks me.

Hmm~... "I was told to find information on the fluffles, friend."

Kaguya snorts. "Mission fucking accomplished."

Hyonk.

…

After we round up all the mirrors, it was time to position them.

"Check out how convoluted it is to put something back in time after you freed it…" Kaguya smirks, raising the first mirror.

I remember Sakuya being able to do it instantly.

"...O' thy and sacred time." Kaguya spoke in a more formal, melodious voice. "By the parchments of years gone by dost this object dwell. O', thy and sacred time, accept this object as your own!"

The mirror glowed a bright blue, before freezing in place, propped to fall against the rabbit when time resumes.

…

"I have to do it for, like, these eight other mirrors." Kaguya tells me, grinning.

Pfffft…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: EIENTEI'S LAST STAND ====

We leave the front of the clinic, and leave into the rain, which is also freakin' still. We still collect every drop we pass through, though, so it kinda sucks anyway.

"Do you know the song of time?" I decide to question her.

"Yes." Kaguya smirks.

...I dunno if that was serious or not.

"...If you wanted a serious answer, no. I mean, I could play it, but nothing'll happen, because it's _made up._ " She amends for me.

Daw…

...She seemed contemplative, though. "I could make a real, working ocarina that sent me back to the past… but that's _so_ much work. That, and Eirin doesn't want me hopping around in the past. Considering the shit that happens in movies and games, I don't wanna do it much, either. Hell, even ancient Japanese crap was like 'time travel destroys reality'."

Honh.

"...If you ever become a shitty wizard, don't take up time magic. Trust me." Kaguya warns me. "It's crappy."

Duly noted!

We near Reisen's team. Reisen was kneeling with a sniper rifle in the brush, as what looked like that cream-haired rabbit before was trying to crawl away, her legs bent in awkward directions.

Numerous of Reisen's team members are nowhere to be found, and Reisen herself is a _lot_ closer to the front lobby than she used to be. All I see on Reisen are cuts and scrapes, though.

Kaguya creates some basic spreads of slow, rainbow danmaku, simply to light up the area.

In the air, the stretchy, fern-like cloth forms of the assassin fluffles are still. Numerous red diamonds hang in the air in various places, light drowned out by rain density. Man, Kanako must have been pissed, to make it rain _this_ hard.

We move through the woods. Kaguya almost trips on some fluffles that are having a frozen dust bath on the floor. "Wh-what the fuck…?"

Eaa~sy, there. D-don't say…swears.

...I leap over the adora-fluffs. They're all muddy, so ehn…

…

Pressing forward, we pass the bodies of dead lunar rabbits, some dead _Earth_ rabbits. Hmm…

…

"I wanna see what the hell happened to the comm tower." Kaguya explains our path. "If anything, it gives us a good angle. Being behind the enemy generally helps, right?"

Aa~h… "Normally, yes, I believe. But, uh…" Fluffles are weird, and dusty.

…

We near the comm tower, I think. Kaguya stares up at the dark tower, which rises just beneath the bamboo trees around us.

"It's still standing?" Kaguya stared at it blankly. "Fuck." ...She doubled back, and took the walkie-talkie from a dead lunar rabbit, and tried to turn it on.

Static emanated from it. ",';.';,.';,. foolish disciple ;',.';,';';,.'; the time ,';.';,.';',;.';,.'; the world ',;.';,.';,.'; foolish ;',.';,.';,"

She turned it off. "Cool. We invented the internet."

Pffft... Kaguya, if I didn't commit to Patchy, you'd be my waifu. I mean, you're both virtually unobtainable anyway…! Patchy's got more good qualities in my opinion, though...

She sends a wave of danmaku up towards the side of the tower.

... _Christ_.

The comms tower was no longer of metal construction. Long tendrils of beige fabric ran up the sides, intertwining and twisting. The occasional, painted blue eye of a fluffle accented the tendrils. Shell noses, perpetual smiles at awkward angles, and at the top, a big tuft of long, stringy ragdoll hair.

Orange energy flowed from the top, only revealed when the danmaku neared. It didn't move at all because we were in time stop…

"...Holy fuck." Kaguya gapes. "The _shit_ is this!?"

She turns on the walkie talkie, again.

";,.',;.';,.';closer,;.'',;.';,.';the time;',.';,;,.';disciple;,.';,.';,';.';,.greater;,.',.';,.';,.';,."

…

"Well, then." Kaguya nods at the tower, switching the walkie-talkie off. "Guess I found my target."

...Walking up to me, she grabs my shoulder. "I'm gonna unfreeze us. When I do, I want you to get the fuck out. Just _run_. No youkai'll be hanging around this shit, and if you do see any… well, run." She grins. "Just run."

Without my permission, she proceeds to unfreeze us. "...In accordance and celebration with the line of the living, time is to be kept sacred, to all those dear in the world. Return sacred time, to my embrace!"

We both glow brightly…

I feel rain violently pattering against my skin.

"Go!" Kaguya shouts. She flies up the side of the tower.

Into the maze woods I go! Go, go, go!

"Wa-Waaaa~l~l…" The tower moans, orange energy flowing from the top. At the very top, a large, orange ball begins to generate.

As I run, fluffles spawn from the mud and dirt all around me, meekly lunging for my legs as I sprint through the mud past them. With every step, I make a loud _plop_ , splashing mud around.

"End of Imperishable Night!" Kaguya declares her spell card. "Rising World!"

A~nd I guess it's daytime, now!

Bright, sky-blue danmaku poured out from Kaguya, illuminating the entire forest, and the sky around. The clouds glowed a natural blue above, and the forest almost held the warmth of a sunny day. A wet, sunny day.

Her card transitioned through various colors and flares of heat and light, and I used the light to guide myself away from the fluffy mass. I just kept running in a straight line.

"Honh!"

Rising from the muddy floor, a human-sized being made of the grey fabric from earlier stood before me. Its head was a freakin' bucket.

Shink!

A thin, sharp blade slid from its arm. It proceeded to hold it like a sword, bringing its other arm over.

"Nope!" Not gonna play that game today! "No can do!"

Run, run, ru~n! I pull out Escape Plan and the Bawmber. This _shit_ betta' get me outta these woods!

Jump, turn- that's a scary cloth man- and shwing!

Boom!

I belie~ve I can fly!

…

Wow, that's some air! I'll die if I fall the entire way…

Pocketing the Bawmber, I reach in and hastily jank out the Vortex Hanger part of my flail-o-copter. I don't have time to take the entire thing out, but…

I begin tapping the vortex hanger, creating small gusts of wind that rest my descent by fractions.

Tap! Woo~sh…

Tap! Woo~sh…

…

After awhile of that, my bum hits the ground. I am now cold, and wet, and sad.

I'm vaguely on the path to the village, now, I think. So~... I follow the path!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

As it turns out, this is not the path to the village… this was the path to the _mountain._

I've got no freakin' clue where I am on it, either! The ground's steep, though, so… I'm on a mountain!

All I can do now is wander around aimlessly in the darkness, yo~...

…

"Human."

Hahaha~! Time to run, really fast!

"Hold, human."

...Mommy said never to talk to strangers!

Before me, a girl of water materialized. "Please, human, let me speak."

No! N. O!

I stare at the jiggling form of the water woman carefully, reaching for my sack just in case.

"...Are you lost, human?" She tilts her head.

...I mean, on the upside, she has _bazonkas_. That's the only upside here.

"...Have you lost your voice, human? Were you silenced by a powerful magi?"

I point at her. "...Why've you got boobs?"

…

"Do you not like them?" She inquires in an equally level voice. Her chest becomes flat. "Is this better?"

Thassa red flag right there! "Yeah, sure."

...The woman smiles. "I see. Hehehe~!"

Please do not giggle in front of me in the middle of a terrible rainstorm. I'm developing _hypnothermia!_ It's worse than hypothermia because I just made it up!

"...If you are lost, human, would you allow me to guide you?" She holds out her watery hand. "I will take the very best care of you."

…

I take out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber. "Hey, lady."

"Mmm?" She tilts her head.

"You wanna eat me, don'cha?"

...She frowns. "Heavens, no."

…

"I'm not buyin' it." I grin at her.

…

"...Fufufu~..." She gives like, a sigh and a laugh at the same time. "...I see. _Drown in me._ "

Immediately, she hugs me, taking me inside of her watery body. When she slams the Bee-Sheventeen, though…

Boom!

Water splashes everywhere! "Mother _fu-_ Kauf!" Water in my lungs! "G-get owned…!"

Run for the hills!

As I run, she materializes before me again. "Foolish mortal! In the rain, I am invincible!"

Time to experiment, then…!

I take out Flame Salvo, and channel mana into it.

Fwoo~sh…!

She dissipates into water to avoid the flames. Whelp, that don't work…

...Water starts crawling up my legs, so I just-

Boom!

Hahaha~! Boy, does that _hurt!_

The water splashes around my battered legs, swirling around…

Youkai Inconveniencer. Why the hell hadn't I thought of it before?

Brandishing the holy hanger, I hold it up high. "Die, monster! You don't belong in this world!" C'mon, channel mana, channel mana~...

"Fufufu~!" Her voice comes from all around me. "Come forth, waves!"

Fwaa~sh!

" _Kya~h!?_ "

All of her water dissipates, and before me, a girl is thrown from the puddles. She has long, black hair, long-ass unmanaged nails, and she's naked.

"U-uuhh…" She groans from the floor.

...I carefully step around her, and begin running up the mountainside.

…

Okay, at this point it's more like a stifled hobble…

"...Mortal." I hear her voice boom from her fallen form, and she sinks back into the water. "I will make you know regret."

Chargin' another holy flash…!

...Her water swirls around me again.

Fwaa~sh!

" _Kya~h!?_ "

She's thrown from the puddles immediately ahead of me, again.

Alright, enough 'a this! Pullin' out Flame Salvo, I take aim…

Fwoo~m!

"A-ah…?" Her eyes snap open. "Fi-fire!? Fire! I'm _burning!_ "

Thrashing around in the puddles, she quickly manages to extinguish the flames.

Before she can do anything, I hobble up to her…

"Mortal." She announced again. I crouched and hit her in the thigh.

Fwoom!

"...Stu-stupid! Cut that out!" She weakly kicked a leg at me while tossing water on the flames.

"You cut it out!" I counter! "You're tryin'a _munch_ me, dude! S'not _cool!_ "

Danmaku begins to bombard us. Blue orbs from above!

"Oh, darn it! Darn it all!" The water woman retracts into her puddle. "These ignorant _fairies_ always ruin my hunt…!"

On the upside, I am injured.

…

No, yo, I'm not goin' insane. It powers the Escape Plan! The very detailed strategy of advancing in the opposite direction…!

Sprint awa~y!

"...Huma~n!" The woman calls back to me.

…

Now it's just me, and the pitter patter of danmaku orbs.

"Halt."

And a sword. I just can't win today.

...I turn to stare at the tengu guardsman. He's not Momiji, obviously 'cause he's a he.

"You are intruding on tengu grounds, human." He glares at me. "You had better have a good reason."

...A danmaku orb beans him in the head. Noob.

Flinching, he turns to the fairies. "Hraa~gh!"

With a swipe of his sword, a gust of wind went to the sky.

Pi-Pi~chun!

"They got Aqua-chan!"

"No~!"

...The danmaku stopped.

...The tengu guard turns to me, scowling.

...I grin sheepishly. "Does running for my life count?"

"No."

...For real? S'everyone gotta be a political bastard?

"I've got a good reaso~n…"

Who want ta chew on my bones _now!?_

...Some lady in red ribbons spins towards us in the rain, somehow doing so through the muddy ground smoothly.

...Lowering his sword, the tengu guard seemed to ease up. "Kagiyama-sama, is this yours?"

"Ye~s…" She stops spinning, looking drunk when she stops. "He-he's my boyfriend…"

…

His head jerked back. "Wh-what?"

Whelp! I can't seem to tell what kinda youkai she is, but those fancy ribbons that seem to flow even when wet don't make me feel easy about her trying to encroach upon my wellbeing.

"Please let him go…" She pouts, her green eyes glowing in the dismal darkness of the rainy evening.

...The tengu guard looks extremely awkward. "...Ve-very well, Kagiyama-sama. Keep a leash on your priest, alright?"

...What the hell kinda euphemism is that!? Keep a leash on your priest!?

"Ye~s…" She idly waves the tengu guard away, before latching to my arm. "O-oh, you're… so-so cold. Follow m-me…"

She shivers herself as she leads me along through the darkness, away from the tengu. She doesn't feel that much warmer herself…!

I nearly proceed to slip onto my ass, but she reacts quickly to keep me from falling. "So-sorry…!" She stammers.

...Sorry? For savin' me? Didja _cause_ me to slip? I don't think she used it right…

…

We continue through the muddy, wet woods. We pass under some trees, where heavier water drops bombard us…

"So, where're ya takin' me to get munched on?" I ask idly. I'm hoping it's a warm cave or something, so I can beat her up and use it for my own purposes.

She seems surprised. "Wh-what?"

"Yer gonna munch on me, right?" I grin as best I can when my face is like, stiff from the cold. Seriously, I'm glad it's not windy.

...Promptly, a harsh wind comes in from beyond the trees, with enough power to splash all the water off the leaves above and drench me.

"Fu-fuck…" I hug myself. I'm _probably_ going to die of hypothermia before anyone can even eat me!

"I-I'm so sorry!" She does indeed look sorrowful. "We-we're almost there…"

You better have discovered fire, youkai-lady, or you will be the fire, your life be damned.

Eventually, we come to a clearing in the woods, where a tiny house rests.

Huh.

Moving faster, the ribbon lady leads us to the door, and opens it.

Inside, there's a cozy fire in the fire place, and some bland green chairs and couches. In the corner of the room, a dark red bed sat undisturbed.

She lead me over towards the fireplace. "Si-sit. You must be cold…"

Only once I break my stiff, trudging posture do I realize how freakin' soaked I am. This Kaguya outfit's screwed until I hang it out to dry, seriously…

I shiver violently. E~gh…

The ribbon lady sits next to me, and hugs me.

…

I mean, I'm not opposed to this. Even though she's cold and wet too, it's better than the air. That, and the innate sense of comfort, even if she's probably a gappy muncher or something...

…

So~, to escape…

She squeezes tighter. "...Yo-you're… not very lucky…"

Warning flag! "...Well, that's rude, yo."

"...Sor-...sorry. It's just…" She caresses my cheek with a smooth, cold hand. I turn from the fire to stare at her proper, and find her staring into my eyes. "Your… misfortune…"

…

We stay like this for awhile, while I let myself dry before I make any decision-y decisions. If she's just gonna let me _sit_ here, I'll take my sweet time…

…

You have no idea how much time those ellipses ate. It took hours to properly warm up. The green-haired youkai floated wood into the fireplace to keep it going, in between caressing me and staring at me.

I've stopped shivering from the cold.

"So, when do you start trying to eat me?" I try again.

...She blinks. "...What do you mean?"

"Y'know. Rippin' my arms off and dippin' em in barbeque, the works." Putting it bluntly!

She cups her hands around her mouth. "O-oh, heavens, no! ...Y-you don't know me, do you?"

I shake my head.

"...My name is Hina." She introduces herself. "Hina Kagiyama. I'm… a goddess of misfortune."

... _Misfortune_.

"The second you stepped onto the mountain…" She held her arms close, looking blissful. "You're the most tempting human I've seen in the past… few years."

...Honh. "...So you're not gonna eat me?" I confirm.

"I won't eat you." She assures me, smiling warmly. "Ju-just your… misfortune."

Oh. "So what's that all about?"

...She doesn't respond, turning towards the fire again with a burning blush. "...Why don't you… g-go to bed? You must be… exhausted."

...That doesn't tell me anything!

"I do not trust you." I inform her.

"I-I don't blame you." She pouts. "Pl-please… go to bed."

"Are you planning to rape me in my sleep?" I'm not opposed to conscious sex, just so you know!

Her eyes widen. "Nonono! I- just- to do it, you have to be asleep…"

...Sure.

...I slip off my Kaguya wig, and the freakin' robe, because it's all wet as shit. This leaves me in my camo undershirt, and in those overalls, which are also wet as shit, but not as bad as having a giant wet blanket on you. Just a regular wet blanket.

Hina looks perplexed by my sudden transformation, but doesn't say anything.

...Staggering towards the bed, I plop down onto it, because tired. I refuse to think about going back into that maelstrom of rain, and this girl seems nice enough to not cook me into a stew in my sleep.

The blankets are nice and warm, quickly heating up my wet everythings. Warm and wet is weird, but it's okay. I've slept through worse.

Hina stares down at me, but the water makes it too uncomfortable for me to fall asleep instantly.

…

Closing my eyes, I pretend to be asleep, just incase she tries to gank me in my sleepy sleeps.

...The bed creaks as she clambers under the blankets on the other side. She hugs my wet form, nuzzling up to my side. "...Aaa~h."

She begins glowing a faint green, looking like she's almost burning with green and black flames, or smoke.

...Then, it stops.

…

"Yo-you're… not asleep." She notes, tense.

"Hi." I greet her.

…

This is incredibly awkward.

Hina attempts to sing me a lullaby. "...Go… g-go to slee~p… go to slee~p…"

…S'not a very good lullaby, but I'm already freakin' sacked, so she could have like a negative two in lullaby crafting and I'd probably still appreciate it…

...

She kisses my cheek. "Good night…"

Wh-wha~...?

…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 43

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY:

Youkai Inconveniencer - Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

Holy Talismans - Provides a holy upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

Electric Talismans - Provides an electric upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out…

A Wiffle Duster - For shoving up people's rectums.

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

Hina Kagiyama, the Goddess of Misfortune - Friendly and sociable, this goddess gets her highs off the misfortune of others… and not in the schadenfreude way. She holds the power to stockpile other's misfortune and use it as sustenance. Knows numerous debilitating spells, and has immense health due to being a freakin' god.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Fisticuffs!

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

YEAH S'NOTHER DARK CHAPTER.

you need SOME disparity to bring the variety, yo… and variety is the spice of life

...basically ai felt like WRITING DARK; there's still some COMEDY AMIDST IT, but it's probably not what ANYONE CAME FOR

nugget days

in any case, INCIDENTS AND STUFF

as always, see you all next time!


	53. To Walk Simply Into Edginess

(MATT TIME AND STUFF)

Sitting outside, under the overhang that hung from the side of a quaint village house, I took the moment to catch my breath…

It's quite fortunate that whoever owns this home left their chairs outside. No table, unfortunately, but I'm sure that can be amended.

The orange-haired fairy maid sat in the opposite seat. "...So~, where the hell're the other strippers? Or are ya just taking a piss break?"

"...Who's the one stripping, here?" I question.

She looks me up and down… "...Well, obviously not _you_. Unless Komi hired you for like, candies. You're not a fairy dude, though…" Pouting, she seems contemplative. "What's a small amount of money?"

"A small loan of a million dollars." I tell her.

...She nods. "Then I guess good strippers would need a _big_ loan of like…" She furrows her brows. "The hell's a dollar?"

"Slang for money." To make things easier.

She nods. "Oh. Then, like, twenty million dollars. That sounds about right."

When did we start discussing the payroll of male strippers?

Impatient, the fairy maid stands up. "Oka~y, enough chatter. Take me to the stripper party."

Well, that's a tough one.

…

"We~ll?" She props her arms on her hips. "Are you- eep!"

Abruptly lifting her up, I begin looking for that tavern I saw earlier. "To the stripper land we go."

The villagers of the midday streets were greeted to the sight of a wizard-hatted magician running down the road with a fairy maid in his or her arms. In this case 'his', but they don't necessarily need to know that.

It took a few moments, but the bar was closer than I thought it was. I even managed to pass Sekibanki's house on the way, but she didn't seem to be outside.

Entering the bar, I take in the sights and smells…

Booze.

Inside, I can see someone with their head down on a bar counter. On the far sides of the room, unassuming men are playing with cards.

I walk up to the counter, sitting at the space between the passed out, purple-haired woman and some fat guy.

"What is up, in the neighborhood?" I introduce myself with an appropriate level of street asshole.

The purple-haired woman turns out to not be passed out. "Go~ne. Enti~re H.Q. Shmithereens."

Thud. Her head hits the counter again.

"...Y'can put me down now." The fairy in my arms addresses me.

...Next to us, the fat guy smiles. "Hi~. My name's Shmith! Wha's yoh's?"

…

"Xavier Bloodworth." I stare into his eyes.

He smiles wider. "Awwh, coo' name! I li~ke yoh witch hat."

...Good. "You're drunk off your ass, I take it?"

He jerks his head back, as if offended. "Whaht? Noo~. I don't dwink. It's ba~d for you."

Pfft. "What do they call that, then? Just being born totally braindead?"

…

I receive a blank stare in return. "I have a fweeling we wown't be friends."

"All gone!" Wailing, the purple-haired girl reels her head back to face the ceiling. " _Go~ne!_ "

...The fairy begins wiggling in my arms. "Le-let me go!"

She's soft.

The fat bastard stands up. "Hea~, let me get that foh you…"

Taking a look at him, the fairy's eyes widen. "Woa~h, no no no, buddy!"

He moves closer, but she slaps him.

…

He tries again, and receives another slap.

With two red marks on his face, he sits back down. "Awight! Damn! Stupid fawies…"

I have no idea what I wanted to do here. This fairy's soft, though.

Gazing down at her, I do so just in time to notice her slap me.

Slap!

...

Slap!

…

They kinda sting.

Rising from her seat, the purple-haired girl sloppily wraps a hand around my shoulder. "Yoo~u! Leh her go~!"

"No." I nudge her away.

As if struck by a freight train, she leaps backwards, clipping the counter and bar stool with her legs. "Vi-vile villain! I'll shlash you!" She fumbles for her sheathed blade- a _katana_ \- only to miss numerous times. She seems to back into the counter while attempting to grab it, but once she manages-

Shi~ng!

She pulls it out with too much force and it flies into the shelf of drinks past the bar counter. They shatter, beer and wine flowing out onto the floor.

"What the hell!?" The barkeeper is not pleased.

Next to me, the fat guy gets upset. "Stawp it! Stawp fighting! Th-this isn't wight!"

...The fairy in my arms floats up, and out of them.

I forgot they could do that.

Then, the fat guy grabs my shoulders. "Yoh did this! Yoh made everyone _sad!_ "

How.

"Oh- o~h my god!" The girl behind me seems to have sobered up from shock. "I'm so, so sorry!"

The barkeeper walks up to the counter. "You're gonna have to pay for this, you hear me?"

"N-no problem…"

"No, sir!" The fat guy slams his arm on the counter. "Swir!"

The barkeeper sighs. "...The _hell_ do you want, Smith?"

"Well, I'm thoisty…" He grins, and laughs exaggeratedly. "Hahaha! But serwiously, if yoh should chawge anyone, chawge _this_ guy!" He tries to hold up my arm, but I move it out of his reach.

The barkeeper nods idly. "Yeah, whatever, Smith."

"No! I'm _sewious!_ " Smith stands up. "He _did_ it! I'm _telling_ yoh!"

"Okay, okay, Smith." The barkeeper looks him in the eyes. "Just calm down."

I give Smith a dry stare. "Can you just shut up and go away?"

He jerks his head back as if offended, again. "... _Excuw~se_ me, swir! I- I know yoh can't twell, but I'm a yohkai huwnter!"

Very intriguing. "Do I look like I care? You're annoying."

...Smith rolls his eyes. "Gawd. Ruwde."

What a tiring individual.

...The fairy takes the unoccupied seat next to me, now that the purple-haired girl is gone. She taps the counter. "Hey, keep!"

Answering to her call, the barkeeper stepped up to the counter. "What'll it be?"

" _Booze._ " She grinned.

...Shrugging, the barkeeper grabbed a random bottle off the shelf and plopped it down. His eyes note the fairy wings. "You got the money, right?"

She gestures to me offhandedly, "Him," before taking to the bottle.

With that, the barkeeper is satisfied, leaving her to her alcohol.

"Oh, oh! Baisho! Baisho~!"

...The barkeeper sighs, facepalming. " _Don't_ call me that, Smith."

Smith pouts. "Sowwy." Then, he perks up. "Cayn yoh get this guy the bwig bwottle?" He points to me.

...Staring at him blankly, the barkeeper tests him. "If he wanted it, he'd ask me for it."

"No, no, I'm pwetty sure he wawnts it." Smith insists.

"I'm pretty sure I don't, thank you very much." I confirm.

Smith jerks his head back. As if offended. Again. "Whawt!? Bwut… you _tow~ld_ me!"

Shaking his head, the barkeeper turns away and tends to a different guy.

It is now time to contemplate life. I lean on the bar counter.

...Turning to me, Smith pushes me idly with his right arm. "Yoh made Baisho angwy at me. Stawp it."

"Your fault." I go back to leaning on the counter.

"My fauwt!?" His eyes widen. " _Yoh_ the one who made me angwy! At yoh!"

"Let me sulk in peace, _friend_." I defuse the situation.

...Smith narrows his eyes. "...I don't wike yoh."

Too bad.

…

A girl I didn't get a good glance at enters the bar, sitting next to Smith. "He~y! Keepie!"

I lean towards the counter, but with a quick glance I can tell it's Komachi.

Smith turns to her. "...Oo~h! Kwomawchi!"

...Komachi sighs. "Oh, fuck. It's the manchild."

Smith is instantly offended. "Oh, wo~wt!? Yoh a slut, Kwomawchi!"

Getting up, Komachi changes seats without comment, shaking her head.

…

"Hey, Kwomawchi!" He calls to her from across the entire bar, yelling. "This guy nwext to me! He's _weiwd!_ "

Slap!

He's sent flying off of his seat from a long distance slap.

"Ko-Kwowmawchi _hit me!_ " He whines.

"Get out of here, Smith!" The barkeeper tells him.

"Why!?" Smith looks devastated.

"I told you to be on your best behavior, Smith!" The barkeeper barks at him. "But you weren't! Now you got to get _out!_ "

…

"Nwo." Smith's face slowly becomes angrier. "... _No~!_ "

Getting up, he charges at the counter, and ends up being intercepted by the counter. "Oo~f!"

"Smith! What the _fuck_ , Smith!?" The barkeeper's eyes widen, and he steps back. "Get ahold of yourself!"

I feel incredibly awkward being here.

"Nyagh!" He attempts to _swim_ over the counter. "Huaa~h!"

He manages to roll over onto the other side.

...I turn to my fairy friend. "What's your name, anyway?"

"Koi." She grins at me, holding a bottle.

Standing up, Smith leers at the barkeeper. "Bo-Boishi! I'll shoh yoh why I'm the best yohkai hunter!"

He runs at the barkeeper-

" _Guard!_ "

Ti~ng!

A large mirror shield appears before the barkeeper. It rips apart the shelf, counter, and walling it generates in. Smith runs into it-

Shri~ng!

" _Guaafugh!_ "

Smith is flung with such intensity that he bounces off the ceiling, before landing behind the counter again with a large thud.

The entire bar watched the scene with bated breath.

…

Looking around feverishly, the barkeeper held his arms up. "Self-defense. You all saw right? Self-defense."

A slurred murmur of agreement came from the patrons.

"Aye'll vouch fer ya." Komachi held up her mug.

"...Good." He nods slowly. "...Good."

…

The bar's speech almost returns to normal.

Smith slowly raises his arms onto the counter, and stands up. Saying nothing, he limps along the bar's length, trying to approach the barkeeper. He stops when he reaches my segment, and glares down at me.

"..." He says nothing.

I didn't even interact in this situation. It just kinda happened.

…

Smith looks around at the bar crowd. After noticing people talking about him- or so he thought- he charged towards the back door, and left the bar.

…Well then. Guess no one's going to have to die, today.

"What a _loser_." Koi giggles. "Hehaha~!"

 _Now_ the bar returns to normal.

Koi resumes sipping from her unidentified booze.

I tune into the random conversations happening in the background.

"Dammit- Jack, how the hell d'ya keep getting all the aces? That's like the seventh one!"

"Ya see that pretty Freddie's been runnin' around with? Ain't they cute?"

"Guuwaa~h!" Someone yells randomly.

People walk into the bar. I turn to glance at them…

"Aho~y!" A woman in a sailor suit raises a cheer.

"Aho~y!" Komachi and the rest of the bar greet her with matched vigor.

Trotting with vigor towards the counter, she takes the seat that's both two spaces away from myself, and two spaces away from Komachi.

"What's goin' on, Komachi?" She greets the shinigami. "Playin' hooky as usual?"

"You know it!" Komachi winks. "Hahaha~!"

Nodding in satisfaction, the sailor turns to me. "...Yer a new face 'round here. What they call ya?"

"Captain Bloodworth." I assure her.

…

"Pffft…" She slowly grins. "Whatever y'say, cap'n!"

...Koi sets her empty bottle on the counter. "Mo~re!"

A bottle is slid smoothly across the counter, and she grabs it.

That's when the wall exploded.

Kaboo~m!

The rightmost wall of the tavern blew inward, fragments crumbling to the floor as drunk men went flying from the blast.

" _Thew they aw!_ "

In from the blown-out wall charged Smith, clad in what looked to be armor fragments tied to his limbs and chest. Behind him, similarly ill-equipped 'guards' with armaments of questionable quality and type bravely charged in behind him.

Smith himself had a spear that was too large to be useful.

"Yep. _Yohkai._ " Smith pointed in the general direction of the entire bar. "Seize 'em up, mwen!"

The sailor girl leapt from her seat. "Wh-what the hell!?"

Komachi leapt into action similarly. "Wha~t!?"

The barkeeper was outraged. " _Smi~th!?_ "

"This is awl _yoh_ fauwt!" Smith pointed at the barkeeper! "I thouwght yoh _liked_ mwe!"

Stepping forward, the sailor girl scowled. "...The _hell_ is this? You lookin' to take the bar?"

Smith nodded eagerly. "Well! Why, yes, actuwally."

...Reaching behind herself, the sailor erected an anchor larger than herself from what seemed like thin air. "Over my already dead _body_ , y'landlubbers!"

Smith beamed. " _Chaa~wge!_ "

Ill-equipped men ran straight at the obviously powerful magical girl, swords, hammers, and what looked like an umbrella raised high.

"Hraa~gh!" The sailor girl spun around, swinging her anchor. Rapidly spinning, she flung herself towards the opposing force.

"Guua~h!"

"Hurk…"

"Aaaugh!"

Men, armaments, and armor pieces went flying.

Smith looked as if he was doing something, standing just out of her radius and poking at the air. "Enh! Yeah! Twake that!"

When she stopped spinning, she looked at him-

Shink!

...The spear went into her shoulder.

She grinned. "...That all ye wrote?"

Smith's eyes widen. "...Wh- _whaht!?_ "

Latching her hand onto the spear, she jerked it out of her shoulder and towards him, bowling him over.

"No! Noo~!" He objected, falling backwards.

Reeling her arm back, the sailor tossed the spear outside and into infinity. "...Gods dammit, Smith. Ya losin' your damned _doubloons_ , here!?"

"I-I, but… Moowasa..." Smith quivered.

"No, Smith. Yer a _disgrace_ to us drunks!" She barked. "Ya ain't even a drunk! Why do ya hang out at a bar if yer not gonna _drink_ anything!?"

"I-I thawt yoh all _liked_ me…" He squeaked.

"...No, Smith." She sighed. "We letcha hang out here, 'cause we don't have it in us ta just kick ya out. We _thought_ ya coulda used the company!"

"...Do-dowes that mean we're still friends?" He looked hopeful.

Shaking her head, the sailor girl turned away. "Don't wanna _look_ at yer sorry mug again."

…

With that, Smith quickly bolted, running out the hole he came in.

 _Still_ looks like no one's going to die today. What am I even doing here?

Sitting down in the same seat as before, the sailor slapped her arm on the counter. "Bit'a the rum, thanks."

The barkeeper nodded. "Sure thing."

From there, the bar's sounds didn't return to normal, because half of them were unconscious. The rest were quiet.

Komachi didn't seemed bothered, though. "Ya kicked _ass_ , Murasa!"

Murasa grinned. "T'was nothing. Buncha human scoundrels couldn't match me in a million years."

...I wonder what kind of loot those unconscious bodies might have. Standing up, I begin moving towards them.

...Murasa watches me as I crouch down and inspect one of the bodies. "Pffft. Dresses like the witch, even acts like the witch. Komachi, that Marisa, or what?"

Shaking her head, Komachi debunks the idea. "No~pe. Just a fan, I guess."

...This sword he carried is dull. Testing this theory, I run my fingers along the edge. Nothing.

Pressing harder, I try to slice them…

Nothing. It's as good as a club.

Casting it aside, I take to the next body- he wielded an umbrella, nevermind.

The next body… Crouching down, I take his sword…

Looks dull. Running my hand across the edge… feels dull. Pressing hard…

I know I described them as 'ill-equipped', but I hadn't thought they were completely unprepared for fighting anything that wasn't a fluffle.

Making due with the dull sword, which I keep in my hands, I begin scouring through the pockets of the downed men...

After about ten minutes of scavenging, I come across an amount of yen I'm unsure about.

For this reason, I take it to the counter for clarification. Koi seems to have drowned herself in three more bottles, giving herself a grand total of four empty bottles.

"Hea~..." She slurred, calling for the barkeeper.

Komachi hands her a bottle from the space between herself and the fairy, because she can. Koi takes it. "Tha~nk you!"

"How much yen is this?" I ask her.

...She looks down at it, and squints. "...Mo~ney."

...Yes. Why, yes it is.

The barkeep meanders over, and looks at the bottles, then at the money. "Let's see…" He stares at the bottles… then he stares at my money. "...Ten thousand looks about right. One'll be on the house, whatever."

He took the appropriate amount from my hand, leaving me with a still unknown amount.

"Pleasure doing business." He walked off.

...This makes it easier to count it the hard way, at least. Taking a moment, I note that I have five thousand, five hundred yen left in my hand.

I pocket it before any more bad things happen to it.

...Guess I'll take in the sights, for no-

There's a rap on the bar door.

The loud knocking convinces Murasa, Komachi, and me to turn to it.

A guard with actual armor stands there. "We've received reports of a man dressed in witch clothing in the area."

His eyes meet mine. "...I have reason to believe he's here."

Lifting my arm, I take off the fluffy hat, and cast it behind the counter. "I don't see a witch here."

Drawing his sword, the guard steps towards me. "You're coming with me, sir."

Just when I was getting cosy. "No, I don't think I will."

The guard stands before me. "Don't make me use force, sir. Just come with me."

Murasa and Komachi stare at me curiously.

...Quickly, I take my blunt sword and swing it at his armor.

Clink!

The guard stands strong before it, frowning. "...If that's how it has to be."

I navigate away from the bar counter as he raises his longsword offensively.

…

Moving towards me, he brings his sword across the opposite side he held it at, and engages me with a horizontal slash.

I back away, letting it whiff.

Clutching his sword tightly, he tries to intercept any potential slash I may have been dealing by bringing his blade up at an angle.

He steps back. I hold my blade up, and stand ready.

We standoff for a few moments, the guard holding his blade high.

…

After a moment of inactivity, he reels the sword inward, and steps toward me for a one-handed lunge.

I sidestep the lunge and grab the blade forcefully, taking care not to grab it in a way that would maim myself, and pull.

The guard holds on tightly, his eyes widening.

Using my pommel, I pommel him in the head.

"Gahk!" Cringing, he uses his free hand to try and grab my sword.

We play tug of war for a bit, but I break my sword from the awkward grapple, and back off.

"Dishonest…" He glares at me. "Your head can be _tried_ for this!"

This place has _trials?_

I put one hand on my dull blade, and the other on the handle.

The guard raises his sword overhead, but backs up. If he swung now, it'd hit nothing. He seems to be waiting for me.

…

After I refuse to act, he lowers it into a stance for a horizontal slash, again. Moving towards me, he comes out strong with an angled horizontal slash instead.

I try to block it with the blade, but it goes down the blade and grazes my hand as I try to pull it away. "Sh~…"

Stings like shit.

The guard grins. "Slipping, thief?"

Hmph.

Backing up, he readies for a massive overhead slash. "Ha~h!"

His stomps are like thunder as he pours his strength into the mighty overhead slash. I step back and let it strike the floor-

Thunk!

All this because he grazed my _hand_.

I tightly grab my blade by both hands, and swing the handle downwards upon him with all my strength.

His brows furrow, as he attempts to lift his blade-

The crossguard smashes into his helmet.

"Guua~h…!?" He's knocked off his feet, falling onto his back.

Taking out those grey wooden scissors, I move to finish the job.

"Oi!"

I feel someone grab my off hand, which wasn't holding the scissor pair.

"S'over, mate. Leave 'em." Murasa tries to defuse the situation.

No.

...I pocket Chaos Oath, and Murasa lets go, seeming to back off.

…

She leans against the counter, watching me. The guard gets into a kneeling position…

Acting quickly, I strike him in the head with my pommel.

Clang!

"Hugh…" He falls back again, and I push his helmet aside with the pommel.

"Hey! Stop!" Murasa flings herself at me.

Taking the wooden scissors from my pocket, I jab them into his neck right before Murasa pushes me off.

"Hngh…" I stare intently at the wound as Murasa displaces me…

The scissors light up, a glowing sheen of light traveling up the smooth wood.

Bam! I'm pressed against the floor a small distance away, my sword clattering to the floor a short distance away with Murasa atop me. "Ye _bastard!_ What did I _just_ tell you!?"

"He was going to come after me again if I didn't." I grunt back from the floor.

"Then-..." She sighs. "Fuck's sake, lad. The hell'd ya do to get the guard's attention, anyway? Rob a little old granny?"

...I recall the time when I kicked Sekibanki's door open.

"It was probably that." I add.

"He's dead." Komachi clarifies from across the room.

...Murasa stands from me. "What?"

"That guy." She points to the guard. "Dead."

...Murasa sighed. "Fuck. And you did _nothing_."

"I did nothing because it was better than the _other_ way he was going to go." Komachi stared blankly from her bar stool.

...Murasa furrowed her brows. "What're ya sayin'?"

Sighing, Komachi stood. "Looks like the bar's closed, for today."

Koi looked over to her, on her tenth bottle. "...Re-reaa~lly?"

With that, Komachi vanished.

...Murasa cursed. "Fuck!"

I got into a position to stand again, and she glares down at me.

"...Might wanna lessen on the f-bombs." I suggest.

"Y'just killed someone." Murasa states. "Y'can't tell me _anything_ , ya shitfaced bootlegger."

Creative. "She said he was gonna die anyway. Just doing him a favor."

…

"Got my eye on you." Murasa moved for the door. "If I see you again, I'll send ya straight ta Davy Jones, kid. Watery grave and all."

I don't think even Davy Jones wants me. What's in his locker, anyway…?

With that, Murasa departs.

…

The bar is almost completely empty. Only that one quiet crowd is in the back, now, and they're giving me glares.

Getting up, I stare at the wooden scissors…

They're without notable feature again. Bending down, I pick them up, noting the-...

No blood. Well, almost.

I stare down at the gash in the man's neck. There was little in terms of oozing blood, the stain not even flowing down the sides of his neck. The open hole was dark, but clean.

...Well, it makes cleanup easier.

My eyes lay on the unconscious bodies on the other end of the room.

...This lit up earlier, didn't it? When it stabbed into his neck.

...Time to test a theory.

I begin walking towards the bodies near the hole again…

"Hey, man!" One of the guys on the other end of the bar stands up. "...What you did was, like, not cool!"

He was a skinny man, with a red beanie. Which was rather curious, considering the time period most of these clothes hail from…

In any case, I bend over, and begin dragging a guy, intent on dragging him out the hole…

The drunks on the other side seem to object, but watch.

A new figure steps in through the bar doors.

I turn to the person. It's the purple-haired girl from earlier.

"...Wh-what happened here?" She brought a hand to her mouth.

I continue dragging the body…

"You." She instantly finds the action suspicious. "...Did you-"

"Smith." I state.

…

"Ye-yeah, that's about what I heard… " She nods.

I keep dragging-

"Where are you taking that?" She is again suspicious.

"Just… helping him come back to life!" I smile.

…

She reaches for her katana.

"Just… getting them medical treatment." I amend.

"Meira." She introduces herself. "Chief youkai exterminator."

"Satanslaughter McKillgore." I grin. "Common villager."

"..." Her grip on her katana tightens.

"Whatever the case…" She took a deep breath. "I'll need to take you in for questioning."

Time to book it!

Letting go of the body and pocketing the now dry wooden scissors, I twirl out the sleek, dash scissors, and _book it_.

Moving out of the hole, I round the side of the tavern-

" _Zantetsuken!_ "

Shi~ng!

 _She's right behind me_. I felt the wind from that slash.

I sloppily slide ahead as my adrenaline flares, my legs pounding as I do my best to not trip and fall on my face from the awkward sliding motion. I reach the tavern's other side, and round the corner-

" _Zantetsuken!_ "

Shi~ng!

She's behind me, again. Not as close, because I heard only the slash-

Krii~ng!

-and the dumpsters, probably becoming two.

Luckily, this side of the tavern is shorter. I round it far quicker, and make my way towards the tavern's front. I take a shortcut by moving inside, and sliding towards the hole again-

" _Zantetsuken!_ "

Shi~ng!

Nowhere near me, that time.

I run up and grab Koi-

"Hehehe~!" She giggles.

-and continue sliding, my balance whacky as shit.

Meira runs in the bar, barely missing me as I leave through the hole.

Like this, I continue to run. I stop at the intersection between the tavern and the alleys, and hold my arm up. This stop is to both regain my balance, a~nd…

Envisioning a saw blade, I cast it forth.

Vrrrr~!

Meira runs outside to see it, and her eyes widen. Taking her katana, she crouches and guards it.

TingTingTingTingTingTingTing!

Sparks fly between the katana and the saw blade.

" _Lethal Frame!_ "

Time stops.

Standing, she twirls her blade around like a wand rather than a sword, a single fluent motion where her blade traveled through the saw blade.

…

She slid her katana back into its sheath.

Krii~ng!

The saw blade fell into multiple pieces.

However, since her katana is now sheathed, that means no more Zantetsuken spam!

With that in mind, I slide away, taking sharp turns into alleyways.

She runs after me, unable to keep up. "Da-darn it…!"

…

After many minutes of sliding to the point I practically fell over after each one, I stopped, allowing myself to breathe.

"Hahh… hahh… hahh…"

I plop Koi on the floor.

"No~rth to Alaska, here I come!" She cheers.

...How does she know what Alaska is?

…

It is now probably the time to find something else to wear.

Glancing around in the largely deserted alleyway, I continue to catch my breath.

…

"Hello~, hello~!"

A gap peels open in front of me, Yukari holding up her hands in an attempt to be cutesy. "How goes things?"

This is a completely unsolicited and complimentary visit, I'm sure. "Been having a pleasurable time. Constantly on the run, and all that."

Yukari giggled. "I see, I see. I'm _sure_ you've been rather busy during your stay, here."

Surprisingly more pleasant than I expected. "...You're here about that Youmu thing, aren't you?"

Smirking, Yukari spoke. "Oh, that? Water under the bri~dge. After all, it was only two, right?"

…

"Since you're not here for pleasantries…" I address her. "What are you doing here?"

"Fufufu…" She unfurled a fan, holding it before her face. "I'm simply here to tell you that what we had is behind us, now. That, and I'm genuinely curious about a few things."

"What may those be?" I inquire.

"You do not intend to… intercept anyone of value to me, or of significant note, do you?" Her expression is unreadable.

"Ask me again when I actually can." I counter.

She snorts. "Good enough, I suppose." With that, she closes her fan again. "What is your opinion of Gensokyo?"

"...Interesting." Survey time. "Full of excitement, and opportunity." ...Oh, right. "And cute girls."

"Fufufu…" Yukari is amused. "Quite."

I stare up at her satisfied expression.

"...Matthew." She speaks my name.

Serious time, apparently.

"Are you certain, that you can trust Brad?" Her face is neutral.

"I don't." I reply bluntly.

…Yukari blinked.

"...What if I told you," she slowly blinked again, "that Brad was plotting against you?"

"He's not." I shake my head. "Even if he was, it wouldn't be that easy."

...Yukari grins widely. "Fufufu~! Such confidence!"

With that, she slowly recedes into her gap. "Very well, Matthew. Do, at least, keep what I said in mind…"

Before it closes, however, she stops. "...Oh, right. I almost forgot."

...A ticket flutters from above into my lap.

"Stop by some time." She mirthfully commented.

The gap closed.

Staring at the ticket closely, I see that it's a lifetime pass to the Golden Grin casino. Huh.

…

"Komi~..." Koi reached out to where Yukari was. "...I-I thought you shent me to a shtrip club… but it wash a _bar!_ Wi'h a _fat dude!_ Yoo shuck!"

The cuddliness intensifies.

In any case, I should probably get going. Alleyways are not great places to sit in for an extended period of time, typically.

I'm still not sure why I'm hauling this fairy everywhere.

Lifting her up, I begin moving to find a good place to rest before the sun sets…

/ / / / FIRST SCENE BREAK THE ENTIRE CHAPTER / / / /

The store's bell rings as we step inside.

In here, is crap. Multi-colored hats line the shelves, trench coats of numerous, neon colors hang off of a rack, and at the counter of this shoddy store is a girl dressed in neon pink, chewing bubblegum.

"...Whadda _you_ lookin' at?" She sneers at me.

"Nothing, because my eyes are bleeding." Too many bright colors…

She scoffs. "Get real. Someday, this place is going to be a _kickass_ fashion boutique!"

Sure it is. My question is why all this garbage is in the village in the first place…

"Look, all the outsiders buy from me, but they all use this stupid fucking… _dollar_ cash thing." She furrows her brows. "Like, what the hell's going on outside!?"

O~h, boy. That'd be the story that never ended.

…

"That fairy." She comments. "You here to pawn her off?"

How. "I mean… I could take her clothes off and pawn tho-" Actually…

She furrows her brows. "Too bland."

I point to my witch clothes. "These?"

...She nods slowly. "...I could make it work, actually. Yeah, those'd work nice. Strip."

...I wanted to have a way to bring these back to Alice, but it seems like that won't be happening. Unfortunately, money is more important than Alice. I'll tell her they were stolen or something.

I strip.

"...I didn't mean in _front_ of me, dumbass, but okay." She seemed perturbed.

Taking my old clothes from the bag, I re-equip them. "...Here. Witch clothes."

The second I place them on the counter, she looks at them closely…

…

"Looks good." She nods. "How's ten thousand yen sound?"

Better than my current income. "Sure."

She takes out the money, and hands it to me.

With that, she stashes the clothes. "Cool."

I still need some other stuff from here, though. Like a suit, and a mask…

Although… if I could stay the night before burning the inevitable 'theft' bridge, that'd be great.

"Sleep here?" I point at the floor.

"Whatever, dude. One night's fine, but if I see you here again, you're paying rent." She waves me off. "Just find a closet or something. Can't have your ugly ass lying on the floor."

...Charming. Not much better yourself, when people can't even see you from all the bright colors. It's probably better that way.

Taking Koi, I move to the corner of the shop. There's no closets, by the way. As far as I can tell, this place has just this one room. The only door is behind that girl, and at the front of the shop.

...I move over towards the section labeled 'ultimate vengeful clothes', and I find a ton of blacks and whites.

I think the blacks would make a good place to sleep. I'm not sure who'd wear a pitch black anything, but that's just me.

Like pitch black trench coats. Not even just a black trench coat, this is like… neon black, if such a thing were possible.

Regardless, the ones that fell off the shelves look like they'd make decent blankets.

/ / / / SLEEPY SLEEP NOOB HUHUHAHA / / / /

I awaken to a loud banging noise.

Bam! Bam!

"Get the _fuck_ out of my shop!"

...Curiously gazing from my neon black trench coat rack, I gaze out…

Krakoo~m. Thunder is happening outside.

Clonk!

A metal pipe strikes… something.

What the _hell_ is that.

It's a large, floating ball. It has three points, which end in the fin appendages of fluffles. Then, in the center it has a large, gaping maw composed of shell noses. The creature has no eyes and ragged cloth composing its skin.

It makes a snapping sound as it spazzes out in the air, bashing the girl out of the way. "Hua~h!"

... _Great._

Standing up, I observe the large ball of fluff.

The ball jerks around in the air, as if being influenced by multiple stimuli at once.

"...Damn you!" The girl swings at it again.

It vanishes, a beige light slowly fading out as it travels through the girl…

…

SnapSnapSnap!

It materializes suddenly, throwing the girl across the room as it enlarges and shrinks again.

"Haa~h!" She flies into a rack of clothes.

The creature turns its maw towards me.

"...Why can't I go around without having shit like _you_ bothering me all the time?" I take out the wooden scissors…

...SnapSnapSnap!

It quickly begins snapping towards me.

I channel my mana into the scissors…

The subtle howl that I almost forgot was there flared loudly, the scissors sporting a purple tint as I felt the adrenaline rush through my veins like flicking a light switch.

My muscles pumped at once, like the thumping of a drum beat, exertion on them increasing manyfold.

Jerkily, I cast my arm forwards to summon the saw blade…

SnapSnap-

Its maw clamps down on my arm, doing little but providing a fluffy sensation. It seems pleased with this collision, going back to jerking around mindlessly.

Vrrrr~!

The saw blade soars into it.

Vrrrrr~...

The fluffle-esque creature was bisected. The dust that resulted poured out onto the floor, creating a small cloud.

"Why... why won't you motherfuckers just leave me _alone!?_ " I put a hand over my face while panting somewhat...

Then, I cut my mana to the scissors and calm down with deep breaths.

Krakoo~m. Thunder. So scary.

... _Ow_. Now I feel as crappy as I did yesterday.

...Curiously, I move up to the front door and open it, staggering a bit as I did so.

There is rain. Even scarier.

Fwoosh!

A large, purple broadsword too big for any human whirls down the road ahead.

"Haa~h!" Meira runs after it, before stopping to guard-

Cling!

The blade comes back, and she blocks it, sparks flying from her katana as it brushed past her blade and away from her.

Green flames formed a circle around her. A large, humanoid, cloth being formed above her, the sword re-materializing in its three-fingered grasp.

She looked at the flames, and tensed up.

The cloth humanoid readied itself for a downward slash, but as it did so, the green flames moved towards Meira, and she leapt out of their range.

Boom!

A shockwave was let loose by the downward slash.

"Guh…" Meira was staggered by it, but she turned to the humanoid.

" _Lethal Frame!_ "

Once again, time seemed to stop within a certain radius, as she smoothly brought her blade through the being.

…

She sheathed her katana.

The being became dust. The dark blade vanished, a ring of green flames moving outward and dissipating.

…

Meira wiped her forehead and parted her wet hair, before running down the road.

SnapSnapSnapSnap!

Three large fluff ball things snapped down towards her from the opposite direction.

I closed the door.

...The weather looks frightful.

"...God _damn_ …" The girl steps from the clothes she was launched into, now sporting an oversized, neon green top hat. Pushing it off, she rubs her head… "What the _fuck_ …"

Suppose I'll have to hold the fort in this store, for the time being.

Stepping past me, the girl drags her metal pipe behind her as she makes for the counter again. "You. Cover my ass."

I'd rather not.

...I begin looking around the shop as the rude girl begins digging through some things under her counter…

Neon top hats. Wonderful.

I've never seen anyone in the village wear these neon blue trench coats ever.

There are also neon-pink headdresses on a rack. Good.

A pair of tan cat ears-

...

Yes.

Taking the cat ears from the rack, I move directly to Koi, displacing shelves and wheeled racks on the way.

I place them on her sleepy head.

...

This is where I would perform the cliche anime nosebleed.

...Looking away from her, I move to scan the shop further.

"Oo~h, hehehe!"

I look over to the girl, who seems to have pulled out a large crossbow of some description.

"I knew this'd come in handy!" She grinned widely, before running towards the front door with it.

Coming across a section of masks, I begin skimming through them…

There's a few, here. Some boring, pitch white one, a gorilla mask, some mask with big, yellow eyes and spikes…

...Then, I come across a white and red mask, reminiscent of a fox. This will do.

Kicking the door open, the girl aims her crossbow-thing outside. "Yea~h! Suck it!"

I notice a rotating barrel, which begins spinning…

Fwoosh sounds repeatedly fill the air, as the crossbow rapidly fires arrows into the storm. "Wahaha~!"

Violence is audible outside.

Scanning the clothing racks, my eyes run across numerous distasteful pieces of apparel.

I'd like to wonder why there's at least twelve neon shades of many different articles of clothing. Including, but not limited to, overalls, rain coats, suits of what seems to be cloth armor, and tuxedos.

Hot pink tuxedo. Perfect.

…

I take one of the black ones. The regular black one, not the blacker than black one.

Taking the tuxedo into my arms, I approach the clerk at the door…

"Fuck you! Fuck _yo~u!_ "

I watch over her shoulder as a large, pastel humanoid flies towards the door, only for five to ten crossbow bolts to rip it apart.

She stuck up her middle finger at it. "Suck it!"

...I tap her on the shoulder.

She flings her elbow back at me, but stops assaulting me once she notices it's me. "...Oh. What is it?"

...I rub my chest where she struck me. "This tuxedo. What's the price."

She blinks. "Six hundred thousand yen."

Hell no.

"I'll handle it later!" She yells back at me, turning to the door with her gun. "Do something!"

"I'll just put it back." I tell her.

Walking away, I decide to not put it back because I want it.

...Stuffing the tuxedo and mask into my bag, I kneel down next to the sleepy fairy.

"Wake up." I request, nudging her.

…

I continue to nudge her.

...

"Maa~f." She gives out a mumbled groan of some description, but doesn't wake up.

Slinging the soft fairy over my shoulder, I move for the back door that was previously inaccessible.

I swing the door open, and rain greets me.

 _Lots_ of rain.

Loudly, the ground outside is pounded by the thundering downpour. It doesn't look like a good time, if I'm going to be honest.

At the very least, it doesn't _seem_ like there are any fluffy abominations out this way.

Running outside, I do my best to ignore the heavy rain drops. I take a quick glance to the sky-

A giant, glowing, orange ball sits menacingly above the human village. From the edges of the village, smaller glowing orange balls float into the air in the darkness of the night, barely luminescent in the rain.

Holy _hell_ is it cold.

From the muddy reaches of the alleyways before me, fluffles begin wiggling from the dirt, exposing their faces to air for the first time.

"friends"

"happy birthday"

"hello brave new world"

…

Moving towards as many as I can, I begin eagerly stomping on their faces.

Splosh!

Into mud.

"friend no" It doesn't even kill them, no matter how hard I press.

A low humming sounds begins emitting from somewhere behind me…

Turning around, I see a dim orange ball of light slowly moving towards me…

Moving away from it, I dash into the alley, away from it-

SnapSnap!

Another one of those fluff ball things expanded out from it, almost filling the alley with its size as it expanded, before hitting the wall and shrinking again.

...Small fluffles begin trying to headbutt my legs as I watch it reduce in size. I idly kick at them, before running again, moving quickly in the dead of the… night? Day?

" _Kraa~h!_ "

I look to the skies.

Up above, the silhouette of a large, winged form can be made out in the large orange glow. Whatever it is, it seems to be getting pelted by danmaku.

It spins in the air with sudden, great velocity. Large, yellow masses of cloudy substances fly from it, and glow brightly. They fall to the ground, a few houses down from me-

Bam! Boom! Thwa~m!

Large shockwaves are sent out from the impacts. Electricity cackled, water froze, and wood lit on fire. While some house fragments were sent flying, others were slammed and crushed into the mud. Pillars of water then rose from the spots of impact, before stopping, frozen in time.

Then, everything in the impact zone vanished completely. Round plots of sand were left where there were once houses.

" _Kraaa~h!_ " It roared again, turning to face its assailant…

From the side, rainbow-colored orbs of energy slammed into it.

Bam! Boom! Blam! Boom!

Thwaa~sh!

The winged creature exploded into a cloud of dust, which was quickly demolished by the rain.

There is this distinct feeling that I should not be out here.

Running quickly down the intact alleyway, I move towards the first open window I see. Because you'd leave a window open in _this_ weather.

Climbing up onto it, I look inside.

In the candle light, I see a man. "...Hello, wet boy! Have you come to refuge with Xavier?"

…No.

Reversing my climb, I stumble away from the window, and dash over to the next house in the rain.

The window is open. The door is, too.

What can go wrong?

I walk right in, noting the water flowing in through the open door…

Inside, a man sat in the water. Fish splashed around in the muddy water, and he seemed to be helping splash water onto them.

He looks up at me, covered in mud with snot running down his nose. "Hello…" He sniffed. "I sell fine, fresh fish."

…

I walk out of the house and close the door.

"Wait!" He calls out to me.

I walk faster right as he kicks the door open.

SnapSnapSnap!

A fluffball comes from nowhere, charging at the man-

Slap!

He bashes it aside with the muddy fish. "Wai~t!"

Nope!

I power walk away, as he slips around in the mud. "Wo-woah!"

Let's see~... I think I'll try the next house-

"Fresh fish!" His war cry rings out nearby.

SnapSnapSnap!

"Ha~h!"

Spinning through the air, the fresh fish man flails the fish wildly, gaining air as he spins rapidly in place, batting away incoming fluffballs.

...After it ended, he fell back into the mud, slipping onto his side. "Wooaaa~h!"

I think I've seen enough.

I swing open the- the door is locked. Nevermind.

Sprinting forward, I keep progressing further into the alleyway. I look to the left where the main road should be-

Houses.

...Looking to the right, I see the main road.

Something curious just happened. Aside from the fact the main road is full of flying clothy mechanizations with dark swords. If they don't bother me, I don't bother them.

Ahead, I see a two-story house. Running up to it, I approach the back door, which seems to be unlocked. I swing it open, and prepare to move inside-

Click. "Don't move."

In the darkness, I make out the figure of a short girl with what appears to be a flintlock.

...On second thought, I don't prepare to move inside. Getting shot usually never ends well.

Slowly, I swing the door closed again courteously.

Three houses, three failures. I feel like I just got lucky those first two times I found willing, charitable people- that weren't batshit insane, anyway.

After enough forward trudging, I came to the back of a large structure. It appears to be the Golden Grin, which is fortunate, because it's the only place that seems within reason at the moment.

Moving around the side doors, I look up at the ladder on the side. The steep, steep wet ladder…

I'd rather not enter directly, if I can help it; that would make too much sense. Tracing the wall with my hands, I eventually come to that one door Yuyuko and I spawned in when we went to go fetch cakes.

Pushing it open, I carried Koi-

"Wh-who the hell turned on the shower…" She groaned.

-inside with me, into the dead-end hallway segment that comprised the entire entryway.

…

At least it's dry in here.

Then, we fell through the floor.

/ / / / FLOORWAYS AND DOORWAYS / / / /

To be more specific, we fell through a gap.

Cold and wet, I landed in a chair.

Across from me was Yukari, who was sipping a cup of some liquid. I'll assume tea.

"...Oh, hello, there." She idly glanced at me.

...I plop Koi on the table. The pitcher on the table spills over, but a gap opens to capture it. Then, the pitcher slowly lowers out of another gap, held by a third gloved hand.

"I bring fairies." I inform her.

Koi begins wiggling, before sliding off the table, floating into the air.

"So that's what that is." Yukari doesn't bother to look at her, staring into her tea. "...Today's one of those lazy, rainy kind of days, you know?"

I'm soaked to the bone, woman. I had no idea it was raining.

…

"How's the weather." I state rather than ask.

"Mmm." She just hums in response.

…

"Why the hell do you have a business in the middle of nowhere?" I question her logic.

She blinks. "...It's entertaining."

Straightforward.

"...Why? Don't you just _love_ seeing your fellow man waste his life away on the slots?" She smirked. "Fufufu… I'm kind of hoping for a slot machine youkai, myself. If only because it'd spice up my card games."

"I couldn't care less about their lives." I state bluntly. "...It probably produces absurd wealth, though. You probably wouldn't mind being a bit charitable, would you?"

"Fufufu!" She laughs. "...Depends on what you're willing to trade."

"My soul." I jest.

...Tilting her head forward, she smirks. "You say that as if it holds value. And, as if you hadn't compromised it already. If I wanted a complete soul, I could simply gap in another unfortunate outsider."

"...You're right. I got a better deal for you, then."

I glance into my soaked sack. Reaching inside, I pull out that rebomb fluffle. It has a gag around its mouth to prevent it from blowing everything up.

...Yukari stares at it, and sighs. "Oh. How timely."

"But wait!" I raise a finger. "There's more…!"

Reaching in, I take out the other fluffle, and set it down next to the rebomb fluffle.

"im a fluffernickle" It assures us.

...Yukari nods. "I might have something you could do for me."

"Oh, pray tell. What sort of ridiculous quest do you need me for, now?" I stare at her levelly.

She smiles. "Spread hatred for fluffles. Preferably to places that such belief is not already prevalent."

I see.

…

Standing up and grabbing the rebomb fluffle, I navigate to the balcony door behind Yukari, and proceed through it.

In the rain, I rip the gag off the rebomb fluffle's mouth, and toss it into the plush clusterfuck in the streets below.

"Re-bomb! Re-bomb! Re-bomb!"

BOOM

The street exploded. Gazing upon the impending dust storm, I retreated back inside, and closed the glass door.

The glass was soon blotted out by the dust.

…

Boom!

Muffled explosions were still audible.

"Is that enough?" I turn to Yukari.

She held a fan in front of her face, expression unreadable. "I see believing you an asset of any sort was a mistake."

Gulp, gulp, gulp…

Koi gulped down the tea from the pitcher while Yukari's back was turned. "...Aa~h. Did _shit_ for my hangover. Tastes good, though…"

…

We fell through the floor.

/ / / / COLD AND WET AND SAD / / / /

Koi and myself landed in the rain outside.

"Re-bomb! Re-bomb! Re-bomb!"

BOOM

Planks of wood flew out ahead of us.

"Oh, shit!" She flailed her arms. Looking up, rain assaulted her. "Wo-woah! Woah woah woah!" She saw the giant orange ball of light in the sky. " _Woaaa~h!_ "

Someone's having fun.

...Turning back from the-

"Re-bomb! Re-bomb! Re-bomb!"

BOOM

-that, I take Koi's arm and lead her further into the alleys. We've eventually got to find _some_ form of shelter. This rain is beginning to become irritating…

Suddenly, my own wrist is pulled aside in the alley.

"Fucking- _there_ you are! It's sundown, asshole!"

Seija. "Hello."

"Don't you fucking _hello_ me- we've got a _bank_ to rob!" She snarls.

I'm pretty sure the bank is everyone's last concern at the moment.

We become a conga line of wrist-pulling action as she drags me along down many narrow alley ways, fluffballs and other fluffy nonsense spawning in the way.

"Wh-where the hell…!?" Koi is confused, and wet.

"C'mon, move, move, move!" Seija barks at the fluffy obstacles, flashing her middle finger at them.

The floating ones with broadswords flip upside down, but don't go anywhere. The fluffballs suffer similarly.

Seija has met enemies she cannot give one-way trips to outer space. "Dammit…!"

Well. It seems we have reached an obstacle.

...Turning to me, she grins. "How much do you like flying?"

Help.

Without waiting for a response, Seija takes to the air without warning, pulling my arm along with her. Between Koi dangling from my grip on her, and me dangling from Seija's grip on me, there is pain to be experienced.

Eventually, we land on the floor again, past the fluffy nuisances. My legs object to the landing Seija graces me with, mud splashing violently upon our landing. Koi floats a little bit to avoid a similar fate.

Skidding along in the mud as Seija pulls me along, I'm eventually brought to the outside of a large, wooden complex.

"Here we are." Seija stares up at the sign.

'Human Village Treasury'.

Sounds like fun. I hope it has heating.

Outside, the green-haired fop is shivering, soaked to the bone with some kind of blanket wrapped around himself.

Kyouko is pouting, underneath an umbrella held by a cyan-haired girl. The cyan-haired fellow stands under it with her.

The night fairies are glaring at Seija, dripping with water.

"Alright!" Seija shouts at everyone. "We're robbin' the Human Village Treasury!"

"No-no shit…" The fop shivers.

...Seija scowls at him.

He shuts up.

"...Right. This's happenin' at o-eight hundred hours, Gensokyo Standard Time."

This place has its own time zone?

She points at the place. "As you all can see, it's not very well guarded!"

Probably because there's nothing in there.

"We'll be takin' the front door…" Seija grins widely. "Yer gettin' code names and shit. Here're your names..."

She points at me. "Fucker."

She points at the fop. "Douchebag."

Then at Kyouko. "...Girl."

Finally, she points at the night fai- "Wait, wait…"

Focusing her eyes on the umbrella-toting bluenette, she scowls. "Who the hell invited you?"

"Me!" She grins widely. "Aren't you surprised!?"

...Seija sighed. "You're 'bout to be surprised in a minute here. Alright, your name's 'Intrusive Asshole'."

The girl pouted. "No~ way! My name's Kogasa! Kogasa Tatara!"

"And you're an intrusive asshole." Seija finishes.

"I'm a karakasa!" Kogasa glares at her.

"Who's an intrusive asshole." Seija adds.

Slouching over, Kogasa let her umbrella tilt to the side.

This allowed Kyouko to begin getting soaked. "Aa-aahn…!"

...With that, Seija nodded. "Alright. Get the fuck in there, and get me my money. S'every idiot for themselves."

The loud night fairy objected. "What's our names!?"

"Ye-yeah… our na-names…" The quiet one could barely be heard over the rain.

"...Fairy one, and fairy two." Seija settled with.

Propping her arms at her sides, the loud one yelled back. "I refuse! Such a simple name is _totally_ unbefitting of one such as-"

"Okay!" Seija snaps. "How about Cuntbag McFucksalot? That any better!?"

"No!" The fairy's arms shook. "...Let me teach you a lesson in _respect!_ "

She charged at Seija, only to find herself floating away.

Seija had her middle finger held up. "Goo~dbye."

"Wh-what…!?" Her eyes widened. "You can't do this to me! I- aaa~h!" She soared off into the orange orb above.

...Fairy two, for a lack of a better name for her, turned to the door to the treasury without further discussion.

…

"The _hell're_ you all still standing out here for!?" Seija roared. "Go, go, go~!"

/ / / / HEIST / / / /

"What a bi~tch." Koi announces once we're all inside, wiping water off her arms. "I, like, didn't wanna say nothin', but da~mn."

"I-I know, right!?" Kyouko suddenly pipes up. "I-I didn't want to get Byakuren-sama involved…"

Walking through the empty treasury, we continue through dim halls and dark corridors. Not a soul is seen in here.

Conversation continues, though. "Why didn't she think I was a karakasa?" Kogasa brought up. "Like… I thought the umbrella gives it away!"

"Pre~tty sure she knew, Kogasa." The fop states. "She just didn't like you."

"...Well, I don't like her!" Kogasa pouts.

"...Me-me… either." Fairy two mumbles.

...Boom!

Ahead of us, a section of hallway explodes.

"Go, go, go!"

Two bunny-eared soldiers run out, holding grey, high-tech rifles high.

"The hell're we looking for!?" One of them grunts out.

The blue-haired one with a large pigtail ahead of us turns back to address one deeper in the smoke. "There's some cash, here, but that's only the optional. We're here for the project."

Project?

"...Second thought, don't take the cash. Don't need to be blamed for any shit." She sighed.

...Then, as the smoke cleared, the blue-haired one and a white-haired friend of hers aim their rifles at us. Behind them are four more rabbits with guns.

"You! Freeze!"

...I fall back behind my 'teammates'.

Kogasa lights up. "Oo~h! You were _really_ surprised!"

The fop steps forward to intercept. "What're _you_ doing here!?"

Stomping forward, the tall, pigtailed one aims at him the entire time. "We're the ones who'll be asking the questions."

Offended, the fop glares up at her, despite their size difference. "Says who?"

...He flinches back as the gun's business end was shoved in his face.

"This." She glares back.

...With that, the fop conceded. "...Fine."

Koi grinned up at her. "Hehe~y, bunny mama!"

…

The blue-haired lunar rabbit looked away, sighing.

One of the rabbits in the back called out to everyone. "Contact! East flank!"

"What?" Pigtail girl turns to them. "Deadly?"

Scarlet danmaku bullets fly up the hall's length, prompting some of the lunar rabbits to return their own fire down the hall.

"What do you think!?" A redhead shouted back.

While she was turned away, the fop acted. "Gotcha!"

A large beetle flew down from the rafters, and rested gently upon the bluenette's face.

"Wh-what the hell!?" She pulled it off with one hand, and tossed it.

The golden beetle's wings buzzed, and it continued towards her after it had rebounded from the floor.

She took aim at it.

While this took place, more beetles emerged from the rafters.

The fop turned back to us, speaking quietly. "Le-let's go…"

Choo, choo~!

Teal bullets whizzed past his head. "Where do you think _you're_ going!?"

Kyouko hid behind Kogasa, and cleared her throat. "A-ahem… Hahaha~! Fresh meat! Around corner!"

The echos she split together rang out, causing the rabbits to pause and look around.

...Another beetle landed on the bluenette's face gently.

"Gua~h!?" She fired wildly down the hall at us.

"Woah!" Kogasa pivoted around, and ran. I followed her, as Koi and the other fairy flew ahead of us. The fop seemed to move the slowest, until he remembered he could fly.

...Realizing I was now the slowest among everyone here, I took out my dash scissors to keep up, sliding along to maintain their pace.

Continuing down the hall-

Vrrrr~!

A large drill head shot from one of the walls, forcing us to navigate around it.

Let us not question it.

The rabbits apparently did not give pursuit.

Eventually, we slow down in front of a large, metal door. It rested on the left side of the hallway we ran down.

Kogasa runs up to it, and bangs on it. "Open u~p!"

...Slowly, it swings open.

The fop's jaw drops, while no one else sees a problem with this course of events, proceeding towards the large metal door with little other question.

"Ho-how did it just…?" He stammers, slowly following behind us.

Magic.

...On the inside, the rest of the room appears to be shiny steel. In the middle, there sits a large bag of money.

Cla~ng!

...The rightmost door on an adjacent wall of the room opens up.

"This _better_ be fuckin' worth it!"

A maid with long, black hair and fairy wings runs in toting a musket of some description. Her outfit was soaked. "That bat bastard better, like, give us half her room!"

Koi lit up. "Komi~! Hey!"

Komi's brow rose. "...Koi? Where in _hell's_ name have you been? Why are you _here_ of all places!?"

Cla~ng!

The door on the opposite end of the room swings open.

"If we move through here, we should cut them off!"

The blue-haired bunny dashes into the rooms midst. "Put your hands in the air, and we _might_ grace you with mercy!"

Komi holds her musket up tightly as other fairy maids move to back her up from her own door. "Fat chance, you bunny bitch! If anyone here's kissing feet, it's you!"

Jerking her head back, the bunny seems offended. "M-me!? Your feet? I'll have you know that I-"

Cla~ng!

...A fourth door slowly swung open on the left wall of the room. Everyone turned to it, brows raised.

...A fluffle walked out. "hi friends"

Again!?

Pastel humanoids with purple greatswords floated in behind it. In the light, I could properly make out their features better.

They had long, tangled strands of the faded teal and white hair that fluffles had atop their head. Orange lights lowed in cavities where the painted blue eyes would be, the rest of the facial features missing. Its torso was broad, but the midsection was lacking. Literally, there was an immense, heart-shaped hole where its midsection was.

The large purple broadsword looked generic and also impossible to wield by mortal men.

"Th-those…" The bunny woman aimed at them.

Komi aimed her musket at them. "Those fucks took like _fifty_ fairies on the way here! We didn't even stick around to shoot at them!"

The two humanoid flufftastrophes hovered over us. One went between the rabbits and fairies, and one went between my bunch of misfits and the fairies.

...The tiny fluffle ran towards the rabbit girls.

Action commenced.

Aiming at the nearest fluffian, the rabbit girls fired at it.

Sound from their rifles flooded the vault room as they lit it up. However, it guarded with its sword, a mirror-like shield being produced around it, slowly getting bigger as more bullets flew into it.

The other humanoid preyed upon Komi's party, swinging down to reap a few maids.

A yellow-haired maid was caught in the midst of its slash.

Pi~chun!

Beetles flooded into the room from the doors, and set themselves upon the floating fluffinoids. Unfortunately, they didn't seem to do anything.

I walk towards the closest fluffinoid, putting away my sliding scissors and drawing both the wooden scissors, and my flame scissors.

Turning to me, it leered down unexpressively.

I let my mana flow into the wooden scissors…

Within moments, my blood pumps faster, and my muscles pound. Pressure spikes in my body as my power is thrown out of whack, and the precision of my movements is offset by the immense power flooding through my limbs.

Lowering down towards me, the fluffinoid raises its sword arm in the air, intent on thrusting it into the ground before me.

I don't give it the chance.

With the flame scissors in hand, I leap awkwardly, but high enough to bring the scissors to its head.

Shink!

From there, I let gravity and my arms do the work. Sliding down its form, I push away at the bottom with my legs, as the creature lights up in flames.

"Oo~h!" The fairies grin at the amber glow of the fluffinoid warrior.

Floating into the air and flailing its limbs, it seemingly tries to brush the fire off as it spreads all over its body.

I cut the mana flow as I sit on the floor, preventing the wooden scissors from taking any more out of me.

Fwaa~sh!

The fluffinoid let loose a whirlwind as it faded from existence, dissipating in a manner almost similar to a fairy.

...Fatigue washed over me like a freight train might wash over the unfortunate soul who stumbled onto the tracks. I might take a moment.

From my position on the floor, I watch the rabbits engage the remaining fluffinoid.

Dazzling blue plasma bolts pelted the shield it still had up…

Then, it swung its own sword at the shield.

Kri~ng!

Spinning around, it created a small wind vortex of its own. The glass-like shards of its shield broke off and floated around, becoming orbs of dark magic that aimlessly wandered towards the fairies and the bunnies.

On further examination, they weren't dark orbs. It may have been some trick of the light, but each 'dark orb' was a brightly glowing shard of magical glass.

Shink.

"Gugh…" A blonde rabbit soldier collapsed, red flowing down her side.

Pi-pi~chun!

Fairies were claimed by some of the shards.

...From the floor, I decided to practice my magic.

Pointing at the fluffinoid, I imagined a familiar dark orb of my own to cast upon it…

…

Oh, right. Had to shout it. "Gr-gravity!"

My mana was expended.

Fwaaoo~m…!

The orb of dark energy engulfed the fluffinoid's being. It seemed to bob in the air slightly, but that was it.

...That was underwhelming. I need less crappy spells.

After the rabbits recovered from the shard storm, they overwhelmed the fluffinoid with bullets.

Fwaa~aash!

Another whirlwind spiraled out from the spot the fluffy form used to be. Its sword clattered to the floor, shattering into dust after a few bounces.

…

"Fuckin' finally…" Komi sighed, lowering her musket that she may or may not have fired once that fight. "Make it… fifty-one? Fifty-five? Fuck."

Koi bounded towards her. "Hehe~y! Komi-chan!"

She glomped her.

Komi was cross. "He-hey!? Get off me, you…!"

...Letting go, Koi slapped her.

Slap!

"Guh!?" Komi rubbed her cheek. "You wanna fuckin' go!?"

"That's for sendin' a kidnapper to send me to a bar fulla fat assholes!" Koi glared at her. "There were no strippers! None!"

Komi got in her face. "The fuck… what are you talking about!? I thought you fell off the world like a retard!"

Koi jerked her head back. "Wha~!? Weren't ya still in the village with the guys?"

...Gesturing behind her at the generic maids, Komi shook her head. "No! When we died, we didn't come back."

"Oo~h…" Koi nodded slowly. "Ya died."

"...Yeah." Komi huffed. "We died."

...

"Then…" Turning to me, Koi blinks. "Who the hell's that?" She points at me.

...Komi locks her gaze on me, too.

"A friendly neighborhood villager." I greet them. "Salutations."

...Nodding, Koi turns to her friend. "I have no idea who the hell he is."

Komi slowly raises her musket. "That so, huh…?"

"He bought me booze, though." Koi added.

...Komi lowered her musket.

"Then he carried me off somewhere, and I woke up in the rain."

Komi raised her musket again. "You want the corpse afterwards, or nah?"

Walking up to us, the pigtailed rabbit has a hard face. "Refrain from corpse discussion. We've just lost one of our own, you know."

"Hey, fuck you." Komi gives her the finger. "You mind your shit, we mind ours."

A shorter lunarian rabbit girl with an orange bowl cut approaches the taller one. "Yu-Yukira-chan's dead, Sarge. She bled out."

The sergeant grunted. "Damn."

...That reminds me, I still have to test something.

Holding up my wooden scissors again, I clumsily stumble back onto my feet, and approach the orange-haired rabbit girl…

She notices me stumbling towards her. "...U-u~hm… should we do anything about the civilian?"

Pigtails turns away. "No. I'm pretty sure he's not one, anyway."

Orange-hair turns to her questioningly as she walks away. Finding proper balance, I raise my wooden scissors and aim for the back of her neck…

...Or not. She's a bit off to the side.

Instead, I reach for her shoulders- nevermind I stumble into her shoulders, but regardless-

"A-aa~h!?" She jumps, green eyes opening widely at me.

"I'm gonna need you for something."

Ignoring her questioning, I spin her around by her shoulders. Or so I attempt, anyway, before she backpedals from my grasp quickly. Being off-balance doesn't make things easy.

"Get off of me…!" She get defensive and clams up her arms, furrowing her brows. "Lo-look, I know you want help, but, I-I can't."

Must she be so difficult?

Instead, I move towards her with more purpose.

"Private Motome?" Pigtails turned towards us.

Hastily, switching the hand that holds my scissors, I use my left hand to grab her right shoulder. Her shoulder on my right, I mean.

From there, I shove her to the side at an awkward angle, also pulling her to generally manhandle her.

"He-hey!" Pigtails shouts.

From there, I take my right hand, and jam the wooden scissors into her nape while grabbing her from the front to make sure she doesn't fall forward and reduce the momentum of the stab.

"Wha- aaa~h!?" She screams.

" _Motome!_ " Sergeant Pigtails raises her plasma rifle.

Clutching the scissors tightly, I stare at them…

They glimmer. It's like a flash. I can feel the energy in my hand, but only for a moment.

"A-aah…" Motome's eyes glaze over, drifting shut for the last time.

Choo~, choo~, choo~!

Pivoting around, I use the corpse as a meat shield. Plasma bolts hit her chest and leg, while one grazes my head, the heat brushing against my face.

Komi looks vain. "The _fuck?_ "

At that, I get the idea to walk over to the fairies…

"Woa~h, kay, then." Koi begins backing up. "Hahaha, no~."

Komi holds up her musket. "The hell're you coming to _us_ for!?"

The sergeant narrows her eyes. "...Soldiers! We've got contact! Motome assassinated by rogue youkai!"

With that, the rabbit girls who were either staring at the fallen form of Yukira-chan or filing out turned back, raising their plasma rifles.

The fop facepalmed. "U~gh, let's- let's just get out of here!"

Kogasa backpedals for the door. "Yea~h, I, uh, don't like it in here…!"

Kyouko retreats for the door as well, offering no comment of her own aside from an unreadable stare.

I begin moving behind the fairy company, who just watch me approach them.

"Flank them!" Pigtails yells, before shooting at me again.

This time I make myself scarcer behind the corpse. Plasma bolts loudly splash against the body of the rabbit I'm holding, flesh sizzling.

To the right, a silver-haired rabbit and another blonde rabbit point their guns at the band of fairies I was heading for.

They seem to aim for me, but also at the fairies. Probably more at the fairies.

Choo, choo, choo~!

Pi-pi-pi~chun!

Komi aims at them. "What the fuck!?"

...Koi moves for one of the doors. "See you back home, Komi!"

Komi turns to her. "He-hey! Get back here, you-!"

Pi~chun!

A stray plasma bolt hit her in the head.

That left me, two fairies, and this corpse.

"Grena~de!" The rabbits from my flank pull out blue orbs. They begin emitting a strange blue mist, as they reel their arms back…

The corpse that's shielding me is beginning to become uglier and uglier, various parts of the flesh being burned away to nothing by sustained fire from two rabbits.

By now, however, I was almost out of the room.

Two grenades soar through the air. One of them lands on the corpse in my arms, and the other lands on the floor behind me. They produce loud, fizzling sounds.

Taking the corpse, I turn and discard it onto the other grenade, and begin running as fast as I could towards the exit.

Before I clear the exit, plasma bolts strike my backside.

Fwam, fwam!

 _That fucking burns._

Moving out through the side exit the fairy company came in, I quickly fumbled in my pockets for the sliding scissors.

"After him! He took one of our girls!" I hear the shout from the vault room behind us.

Sliding ahead, I deviate into an adjacent hallway quickly. My balance is therefore devastated, but I don't think it matters anymore.

I slide to the floor.

…

Considering no one's come for me in the ensuing minute, I assume there will be no chase. This is good.

Because I might need to take a moment to get back up.

==== FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU ====

CHAPTER 43.5 END

PROTAGONIST: Matthew, the Debatably Sane Outsider, Lord of Edges, Scissor-Slinging Slasher

PRIMARY WEAPON: Bloodied Steel Scissors - Stained lightly with fresh blood from a young human female. Sharp, shiny-ish, and to the point!

INVENTORY:

Steel scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Quick Scissorang - Non-elemental scissors that are enchanted to return to the owner with ferocity. Not that powerful of a weapon, but combined with strong string it can be used like a powerful grappling hook. Looks like it belongs in a Barbie catalog.

Flame Scissors - Fire-elemental scissors that have an incendiary effect on strike. Boosts fire magic and abilities, as if I had any. Enchanted to grant 20% fire resistance, and reduce discomfort near fire.

Dash Scissors - Succubus training tool. Allows for horizontal quick-dashes, for dodging and agility purposes. Doubles as scissors for kinky, cloth-cutting occasions. Or stabbing. Sleek, black design.

Cursed Wooden Scissors - Forged from the bark of the Saigyou Ayakashi, and bent to shape by a masterful magician well versed in the material arts… it's a pair of wooden scissors. Produces low whistles and howls. Channeling mana into it gives user an immense physical boost, but it seems to come at a price...

Steel-alloy String - An experimental item provided by Alice as part of her testing. She uses these herself to manage her dolls, or so I'm told.

A Tuft of Cloth Strings - Pink, regular cotton string. It's soft, and clean.

Fancy Suit - It's Payday, fellas.

(one more empty space)

PARTY:

But nobody came.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

this was a nice chapter

the ARBITRARY RABBIT DEATH seems kinda sloppy but matt REALLY WANTED TO TEST THOSE SCISSORS

it's also hard to write because he's kinda slowly considering himself better and better without any in-story justification of why he's better- he just gets displeased when he's given less and less liberties, when it should really be more about the story being told but whatever

also learning new knowledge IRL =/= having that knowledge in the work, daz kinda important to stress

this chapter was still good though; kinda balancing out the dark of my last chapter with more NONSENSE

as always, see you all next time!


	54. Instructions Unclear: Stuck In Trumpet

(in which we make byootiful music)

Mo~rning time. I can tell, because I'm still soggy. Warm, but soggy. Eugh…

Light shone in through the windows. Apparently I'm in a room that has windows! Good start! At least it's not, like, a freakin' cell.

...

And _now_ I remember why I'm here. Kinda easy with this pain-in-the-ass water ruining my bedtime experience.

Shifting around, I only make it worse.

Whelp, time to get out of be-

"Hello~!" The green-haired girl with many, many ribbons from earlier beamed at me from my bedside.

Jesus! Where'd you come from!?

Moving across the room, she went for a counter, lifting a plate with food on it. "Did you sleep well?"

...Hina, that's what her name was. Oof. "Ye-yeah…" I need to freakin' dry off!

Quickly, she lays down a plate on my lap. Pancakes in bed, yo…

Maybe I can wait, then. This'll be the best meal I've eaten this entire freakin' fanfic. I mean, _look_ at that butter- I know _you_ can't see it- but dude…

"...You eat pancakes, right?" She looks slightly nervous.

"Ye, ye. Ye." Yes.

"Good…" She sighs in relief. "I'm glad."

Time to eat those pancakes, yo.

They fell into a gap.

…

Yukari, when I find you, I'm going to extract my pancakes from your fluffy stomach with plant hangers. Or use you as a pillow.

I'd be questioning the meal, but since I woke up not dead, I think ribbon girl doesn't plan on livin' la vida loca and bludgeoning me with an oversized fork.

…

Midway through mourning my pancakes, I realize something! "What was that bedtime snuggling all about, yo?"

...She blushes. "I-I, you weren't supposed to see that!"

Freakin, too bad! "I _did_. Get owned."

Sighing again, she concedes defeat. "...We-well, I had to do it to get your misfortune. You… you were soo~ full of it. I can't- well, I shouldn't say that- but you're amazing."

...Wat.

"...Whaddaya mean?" I'd like specifics!

She blinks. "U-uh~m… How hard is it to live day to day, for you?"

...Hmm. "Aa~h. Not… too… hard?" Kinda?" I mean, I nearly get blown the fuck up every day, but this is Gensokyo, so that's probably normal.

Eyes widening, she stares at me. "...Wo~w."

...I dunno what's so good about me, but sure!

Hina moves back towards the counter. From there, she turns on a sink.

Wait, does this place have plumbing, then? That's rather sophistimacated for a youkai hut!

...I move to get out of bed- Bi~g mistake. Bihihi~g mistake. Cold as _shit_.

Hina shivered ahead of me. "O-oo~h…" Guess she's cold, too!

She lazily plopped her plate into the sink, and took the moment to rest her arms on the counter.

With that, I stand up out of the bed.

She pivots on her heel to face me. "Are-are you getting ready to go, already!?"

Daa~h!? "I don't think so~!?"

Yet another sigh emanates from her lips. "...Ok-okay. I'm glad."

What a freakin' awkward way to wake up. Yo.

Standing up… wow. Well, my overalls 'n' undershirt's not too far from dry. My robe that I dropped earlier is like, dry-ish now.

Donning Kaguya's wig and robe again, I feel more comfortable about still being soggy.

"Why, um… are you wearing that?" She inquires, having the opportunity to do so.

"It's fluffy." I might not get stabbed as fast if I look like Kaguya, yo. Or maybe faster. Hnngh.

...I told her I'd be stayin', but I'm kinda done here!

Hina continues to converse, stepping towards me. "...Earlier, when I said…" She looks unsure.

I tilt my head, letting her speak.

"Your misfortune," She begins solidly, "you should have died a long time ago."

…

"I-I'm sorry…" She clammed up. "Wa-was th-that… did I-I offend you?"

I shake my head. "Y'know, I'm not entirely surprised." I should be, but I'm not!

Hina jerks her head back. "Yo-you're not?"

Honh.

"...Come back, some time." She holds up a ribbon, concealing her face with it a bit. "Your misfortune… if-if you want, you could be my priest."

O~kay. "As fun as that sounds, I think I'm gonna go…!"

"O-oh…" After appearing crestfallen, she reaches into her pocket. "He-here!"

She hands me a smaller version of one of her insane ribbons. "Take it."

Oo~h! "What's it do, yo?"

"If-if you put it onto a gohei, you can spread misfortune…" Suddenly, she throws her arms up. "I-I mean, I'm not telling you to curse people! Just… you can use it to spread your misfortune harmlessly. Use it on grass and stuff…"

...Oo~h. "What if I put it on a _sword?_ "

...Hina winces. "Uhm… you-you could curse people. But, if you do that… I'd have to stop you. I don't want you to hurt anybody."

I tilt my head. "What about a plant hanger?"

...She shrugs. "Okay?"

Woo~! No promises about the hurting people part! It's self-defense, I assure ya.

I accept her gracious offer, takin' it into one of my own pockets.

"I'm serious, come back again." She smiles. "If you come back with as much misfortune as last night… I think I'd fall in love with you."

...I dunno how to respond to that. Like, at all!

...She notices my mild embarrassment. "I-I'm only kidding. But, you fed me enough for about half a year. If you ever pledge yourself to a god… I'd be willing to accept you."

Wait you're a what?

…

 _Everything_ makes sense now. No wonder she didn't have Brad for brunch, yo! She's one of them goddesses of stuff! I guess she's luck oriented. Or, in this case… bad luck oriented? Misfortune? Hmm.

"I'll think about it, yo." I regard her offer with indecision! I'm not normally religious, but meeting flesh-and-blood gods is kinda different from religious nuttery on the outside.

"...Okay."

With that, Hina moves towards the door. "...Your luck may be better than normal, for awhile. But, most people's luck defaults to certain levels. Don't spend it all in one place, okay? Luck… luck runs out. For most people."

Ooo~. I'll have to keep that in mind.

Moving for her door, I wave. "See ya later, friend."

She smiles, waving at me. "Bye. Wa-wait, before you go…"

Who what now?

"What's your name?" She asks of me.

Ah. "Brad, yo."

"...Bradyo?" She tilts her head.

Freakin'...! "Just Brad."

"...O-oh, right. Hehehe…" She giggled awkwardly, before turning to face her counter of ribbons and kitchen appliances again. "B-bye, Brad. Come back soon."

I close the door.

…

Wowie zowie, that was a different kinda experience. First person I met that didn't kick me out for being a loon! Then again, I didn't really get a chance to be a loon. She was also debatably more or less looney than me, so~...

That, and I nearly died like uhmpteen times in the past day. I think a little down time with a cute goddess would be warranted. You know, in the not-being-dead way.

Actually, if I died under her care, would she have her own heaven? How the frik does that work?

The sun is shining as I walk through the woods past her house. I wanna find my way to Sanae's place, because I'm in the neighborhood, and I'd like to know what the fuck that storm was about the other day. Kanako will rue the day she nearly gave me pneumonia!

…

Actually, if she gave me pneumonia, then Hina coulda nursed me back to health…

Kanako will rue the day she tried and _failed_ to give me pneumonia!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

As kinda expected, I somehow find my way to the Moriya Shrine by moving straight up the mountain with no sense of direction, or even an attempt to stay on any sort of right path. I wonder how much luck was expended just then…?

I met nothin' on the way, no tengu, no youkai, no nothin'. Which is how you know there was some mumbo jumbo stretchin' stuff behind the scenes; no way the tengu would just be like 'oh whelp we missed the random asshole practically walking in circles on the side of the mountain'.

"Get back here with tha~t!"

I hear Sanae's voice from outside the shrine!

...Then, I hear thumping. There is mischief afoot!

Walking up to the shrine's door, I slide it open…

Inside, a fluffle runs by with a bag of chips. "honh honh honh"

"Hraa~h!" Sanae leaps after it, wind propelling her as she soars towards it.

Crunch! She gets the bag!

Bam!

...Her head hit the wall.

"Ou-...ouch…"

Slowly, she backed away from the wall, the pain exemplified by her hesitancy. Oof…

...The fluffle came up, and swiped the chip bag while she was nursing her forehead. "He-hey!"

I intercept, the fluffle _luckily_ running straight into my- it wriggled out of my hands and escaped. With the chip bag, too.

Luck is such bullshit.

Oh, yeah, these things are homicidal maniacs, aren't they?

Maybe I should _smash_ it…!

Taking out Fairy Brand, I run after the little murderous maniac. Sanae comes out of freakin' nowhere while I run at it, and we run into one another.

Thud!

...Not in the awesome anime way where you somehow end up with a hand on the other's boobie. Nah, this was the kind where you butted heads and shouted expletives at each other.

"Yeo~w!" Sanae held her forehead. "Ho-how…!?"

I hold my own forehead. "Fua~h..."

What was that about good luck, Hina!? Did… did I use it all up already, or am I just having bad luck with my good luck!?

Recovering from her head trauma, Sanae looks up at me. "What are you doing here…? I thought you were at Kaguya's…" Sanae stared at me inquisitively.

"...Funny story about that." Yeah, u~h…

The fluffle nuzzles up against the chip bag, and we hear it crackling.

Sanae is livid, "My _chips!_ " ...like one would be at their cat after it just turned off their GameCube.

Da~mn her voice can go _high_...

She sprints towards the fluffle.

"i gotta have a good meal" The fluffle tries to scurry off, but Sanae manages to blindside it with her gohei.

Bam!

The fluffle is dust.

"And _stay_ dead!" ...Sanae reclaims her bag of chips, and hugs it.

...I walk up to her. Now that I can get a good look at the bag, it looks like Doritos!

She turns to me, noticing me leering at her bag. Recoiling away from me, she clutches it tightly. "No!"

Oi! I raise my hands, backin' up! "No, yo. I respect one's snackage as their own!"

...Sanae relaxes. "Good."

Honh.

"...So, anything happen at Kaguya's after I left?" She smiled. "I still didn't find Kanako-sama…"

Hmm. "Well, Eientei got besieged by assassin fluffles, and a bunch of the lunar rabbits died. Eirin cried over almost losing Kaguya, I somehow accidentally stopped Kaguya from leaping back in time, and I ran to almost-here in the mud, ending up in the house of a curse goddess who may or may not wanted to get into my pants. I also almost died, a lot, and Reisen had to fight a trench war against lasers in the rain."

…

"Wh-wha~..." Sanae slowly processed this information.

…

" _Whaaa~t!?_ " _There_ we go!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I sip from my tea. It was either tea, or soda. I might not like tea, but I hate soda more. Freakin'... where's the juice!? C'mo~n, Sanae!

"S-so a ton of rabbits just _died!?_ " Sanae's mouth was agape as she almost stood over the kotatsu, her arms pushing down on it and tilting it.

"...Yeah." I nod. Might not 'a explained this ta her in the most eloquent way…!

With wide eyes, she continued. "An-and the place nearly got _destroyed!?_ "

"Well, n-..." On second thought, I dunno. I shrug.

...Sanae turns away, grimacing. "...I-I'm so sorry about the rain. If it hadn't rained, maybe… maybe Reisen could've done something…"

Eeh. Probably. "I dunno. Them lasers were kinda painful no matter how good the weather was." I'll try 'n' cheer her up a bit, though. Don't wanna make it look like she coulda done somethin' to avert this- 'cause honestly she really couldn't given the circumstances- but also kinda wanna make it not seem like Kanako contributed.

The shrine door slid open, again.

Frazzled and defeated, Kanako treaded in, missing a sandal and hair unkempt.

Sanae gasped. "Ka-Kanako-sama!? What happened!?"

...Kanako scowled. " _Machines_. In the _sky._ "

That statement gave Sanae little to work with, so she didn't say much. She did, however, tilt her head.

...Kanako continued. "Rain machines. Piloted by dusty heretics. _In the sky!_ "

Sanae blinked. "Ra-rain… machines?"

Kanako slid under the kotatsu, and- whelp. She stole my teacup using the force. Doncha hate it, when that happens?

She sips from it. I'd make a pun about indirect kissing, but does that apply to gods? Hmm~...

The explanation begins! "Yes. Rain machines. These 'fluffles' have been hanging around in the skies with them for some time, but it was only when I actually made it rain that they activated. The only way I got them to stop was by trashing every other one to break the cycle they had going. One would reinitiate the other. It would have been another flooding incident."

Huh. So~...

I take this moment to mention Eientei. "So-"

But Sanae speaks over me, so scratch that. "Oh, my god…"

Kanako's annoyed demeanor becomes dry instead.

"I-I can't believe… these little things would be so _awful._ " Sanae appeared crestfallen, staring into her own tea… which I just realized did not spill earlier, even though she tilted the table. "Th-they're so _cute_ , too~..."

...Kanako furrowed her brows. "I do not believe they are all awful."

I raise a hand. "Yo."

...They both look at me. I have the floor!

"So, Eientei got blown the fuck up." I begin.

Kanako snorts. "Mokou?"

I shake my head. "Fluffles."

...Kanako's expression darkens. "You're joking, right?"

Nope, nope. Shaking my head, I elaborate. "Tons of lunar bunnies freakin' died, _I_ almost freakin' died, Kaguya almost got lost to time, and Eirin cried."

…

Retrospect: don't go around tellin' people Eirin cried. I thought it was worthy of note, though…!

Kanako shook her head. "I believe this is proper grounds for an offensive. Sanae, didn't the Hakurei do something similar with the oni?"

Scratching her head, Sanae was unsure. "Uh~m, I don't _really_ remember… I think?"

"Regardless, this is proper grounds for an incident resolution to be initiated." Kanako declares.

…Slowly grinning, Sanae stands up, saluting. "I won't let you down, Kanako-sama!"

"Mmh." Kanako sips from her tea. "...Start now, if you don't want that miko beating you to the punch."

"A-ah! Right!" She scrambles, moving deeper into the shrine to get her things, presumably.

…

Kanako stares at me. "...You look like you had a hell of a time."

Is it proper for gods to swear? Anyway, I nod. "Yeah. Yesterday was shit."

"Tell me about it…" She huffed, gulping down over half of her tea in one go. "I spent the whole day in the sky getting soaked. Not that it matters to me, that much, but these clothes…" She holds up her arm, allowing the frayed and waterlogged fabric to be displayed. "Annoying. I'll have to have that goddess down the mountain sew me a new one."

Honh. "...Wait, do ya not have changes of clothing?"

...Kanako raises a brow. "Not particularly? The clothing of a god does not dirty by conventional means, and small damages can be mended magically. Even so, the aging process can be accelerated by intense magical exposure. Like the atmosphere. Inconvenient, but I manage."

...I'm gonna assume she doesn't produce bodily odors, then. Goddess and all. "Fluffy."

"...Fluffy." Kanako echoes, staring at her tea cup. She proceeds to inhale the rest. "...Mmm."

A door slides open, and Sanae bolts back into the main room. "I'm heading out, Kanako-sama! What should I look for?"

"Find fluffles, and exterminate them." Kanako ordered, haughtily smirking. "Preferably the giant ones, if you can. Only find help if you need it."

Giant ones. But they're _extra_ tubby…

"Alright, Kanako-sama!" She runs for the door.

Passing me, she latches onto my arm. "Yo, yo, yo~! I wanted ta _relax_ today!"

"Too bad!" Sanae retorts. "We gotta stop the fluffles from killing the nice rabbit people!"

You're a _bit_ late!

...Realizing that herself, Sanae amends her statement. "I-I mean, _avenge_ the rabbit people…!"

Rushing outside, Sanae drags me along and pulls me into the air. By the way _holy shit wind_.

Sanae nearly drops me, but moves to hold me by my underarms. Her face ends up in my poofy hair. "...Gau~h. You _sme~ll_ …"

Yeah, no shit. "Kinda happens after spending an entire day running for your life!"

Awkwardly, Sanae carried me off into the distance…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I see that Sanae decided to ignore Kanako partially, taking me straight to the Hakurei Shrine.

Sanae slammed the door open, and ran inside. "Reimu~! Reimu~!"

Reimu was lying under her kotatsu, asleep. She flinched as Sanae yelled.

"Rei- eep!" Quickly, Sanae covered her mouth, realizing what she'd done.

…

Reimu slowly sat up, tipping over the kotatsu as she did so. "Hnn~gh…"

Carefully stepping towards her, Sanae held her arms out cautiously. "So-sorry for waking you up, Reimu, but… there's fluffles!"

...Reimu gives her one of 'those' looks.

…

She sighed. "I know."

"Eientei got attacked and-and bunnies died- and Eirin was crying, and…" Sanae trailed off, pointing at me. "He _died!_ "

Yeah. Wait, no, yo! "I'm still alive! I _almost_ died! S'a _difference!_ "

...Dryly, Reimu stretched, before giving us stares. "...Eientei? The human village was under attack, the other day."

Sanae gasped. "B-by fluffles!?"

"...By fluffles." Reimu agreed. With that, she began moving towards the kitchen.

"We have to go stop the fluffles, Reimu!" Sanae ran up to her, and tried to tug her along. "They could be attacking again, or worse! Or-"

Whack!

"Ouu~ch!" Sanae whined, clutching her head. "Why~..."

"Let me eat breakfast." Reimu tiredly trudged into the kitchen. "Then we'll- Achoo!"

…

Reimu wiped her nose. "Th-then we'll… we'll head out."

Oo~h boy. Someone's tryin'a truck it along, today.

Sanae blinked. "...Re-Reimu?"

There was no response from the kitchen. With a concerned look on her face, Sanae quickly followed her into the kitchen. I tagged along idly, giving the kotatsu a wistful glance.

Reimu kneels to grab a jug of water from under the sink counter-

"Achoo~! Wh-whuh…" She nearly drops it, but recovers it. "Sh-shtupid nose…"

"...Are you okay, Reimu?" Sanae worriedly stands next to the table.

"Fi~ne." Reimu's voice drawls, slightly grainy. Stumbling around, she manages to get the jug onto the table.

Sanae suddenly slides up to Reimu, and presses her hand to her forehead.

Reimu tries to resist again, but Sanae holds her hand in position…

"You've got a fever…" Sanae deduces. "You can't just fly around outside! It's cold!"

"I'll do what I have to!" Reimu snaps her retort, before resisting the Sanae.

Whack!

Sanae stumbled back, rubbing what must have been her fifth head injury today. "Owchie…"

With that, the red-clad miko simply glared at her counterpart.

"Re-Reimu~!" Sanae suddenly whines loudly. "You can't just endanger yourself!"

Saying nothing, Reimu moves towards the cupboards for snacks and stuff…

"You're staying home, today, Reimu." Pouting, Sanae asserts herself with folded arms.

Pausing in the midst of her rummaging, Reimu shoots her another glare. "I'll knock you out of my way."

With that, Sanae gives up. Sitting at the table, she stares at me hopefully. 'Cause, y'know, I got this.

...

Actually, sure! I do got this! Workin' up my courage, I strut towards Reimu…!

Before I even get to say anything, Reimu lashes out at me for approaching.

Thwack!

 _Luckily_ , my hand was up near my face to scratch it, so I grab her gohei. "...Ha! Yo-"

So instead, she sweeps her leg under mine, sending me sprawling to the floor. She rips her gohei from my grasp with ease, and brings it down on my ribs.

Thwack!

Luck did _not_ help me there! Shit!

…

Reimu brings her breadstuffs to the table, and begins eating. Slowly, I sit up on the floor. "...I~ did _not_ deserve that, yo~..."

She turns to me, but doesn't say anything, still munching on her bread.

While she's turned, Sanae begins glowing. "I'll _convince_ you to stay, Reimu…!" After a moment, a rainbow-like energy expels itself from Sanae, flowing through the air.

Reimu's eyes widen, and she turns towards her friend. "Wh-what are you…"

The kitchen door slams open. "Reimu~!" Marisa bounds out, grinning. Then, her expression drops to one of befuddlement. "...What the hell am I doin' here!?"

Suika stands up from the floor, breaking it open. "Aho~y! I, ah…" She receded into the floor, plopping down on the dirt under the shrine.

...Kasen crawls out from under the table. "...Uhm?"

"Woa~h!" Sunny Milk falls from one of the shelves. The adjacent shelves open up, Luna and Star falling out of them as well.

…

Looks like a miracle happened!

Reimu looks like she's ready to disembowel the other miko. " _Really._ "

...Nervously, Sanae smiles. "...Ok-okay, I didn't think _that_ would happen…"

"Oo~h!" Marisa goes for the bread. "Don't mind if I-"

Thwack!

"Ee~y!" Marisa shakes her hand's pain away, grinning playfully. "How ya doin', Reimu?"

"Ngh." She grunts, quickly biting from the bread.

"...I seem to have ended up here." Kasen rubbed her non-bandaged arm. "This is… less than fortunate, for me."

"He~y! It's Reimu! Hey Reimu!" Sunny enthusiastically waves, rising from the floor and into the air.

"Wh-where… are we, even?" Star got up with the assistance of the table, helping Luna up as she did so.

Turning to her friends, Sunny tells them where they are. "Reimu!"

Star stares at her dryly. "Bloody…"

Luna locks eyes with me. "...Yo-you!"

Uh?

...Whelp, I~'m a mute, now.

...Reimu glances at me, noticing my status, apparently. She looks over at Sanae and says words.

Sanae glances at me, but Kasen steps forward instead, and claps her hands together, closing her eyes…

White fire burns around my form for a moment, and my hearing returns! "Woo."

Displeased, Luna frowns, shrinking back towards her friends... "We're outnumbered…"

Sunny moves towards Reimu. "He~y!"

Thwack!

"Aauu~gh…" Sunny clutches her head, crouching as she does so. "Go-good one, Reimu~..."

...With that, Reimu slouched at her table. "...It's too early for this."

Grinning, Marisa slapped her on the back. "Aaw, c'mon, Reimu! We probably all got randomly thrown inta yer house for a reason, right?"

"Achoo!" Reimu sneezed.

...Marisa slowly retracted her hand. "Oo~h. I… see, ze."

"Reimu's got a cold." Sanae pouts.

"I-I d- Achoo~!" ...Reimu sniffles. "...So?"

Kasen steps up to her. "A cold, is it?"

...Reimu lashes out, whacking Kasen in the head. Her head merely tilts to the side it was hit, and she moves towards Reimu. "Here, here…"

She grabs Reimu, and begins carrying her to her room.

"Le-let go…" Weakly, Reimu resists. "I-I have things I need to do…"

"Not like this, you're not." Kasen shakes her head. "To bed with you."

With that, they progressed into Reimu's bedroom. Kasen closed the door behind them, allowing Reimu privacy.

…

"Glad I didn't hafta talk her out of it." Scratching the back of her head, Marisa grinned, "So!" She clapped her hands together. "The hell's goin' on, ze?"

"Eientei's rabbits died." Sanae solemnly stated, staring at the table.

…

"Wh-wait, really?" Taken aback by the sudden sullen demeanor Sanae had, Marisa adjusted her hat awkwardly. "...How?"

Sanae points at me. Freakin'...

"Fluffles." I state.

...Marisa seems skeptical. "Wo~w. They suffocate 'em with their tubby fluff, or what?"

"Giant rubbery blade gimp suits and laser bullets." I try to describe the nightmare! "Like, not danmaku lasers. Laser lasers."

…She blinks. "...Seriously? From _fluffles?_ "

I nod. "Ye."

Sanae helped me explain as she moved to the outdoor exit. "Kanako-sama said they made it rain all of yesterday, too. She made them stop, but it took her all day…"

Marisa furrowed her brows, following her. "Since when'd the fluffles suddenly get all this kappa-like stuff? I keep seein' more and more of it, myself. Like, the dust muffins finally incident material, or what?"

"Kanako-sama said so. I took…" She furrows her brows at me. "...Hi~m? I took him to help, because he probably knows fluffles the best."

Honh. "Name's Brad, by the way." I may or may not have told her before. Neither of us remember!

Sunny awkwardly clambers onto the table, looking fluffy as she does so. Once she's onto it, she stands on it. "...Where's Reimu?"

"In her bloody room." Star went for the other door, the one that lead to the shrine's main room. "Let's just go sleep under her kotatsu."

...Cautiously staring me down, Luna hurries after Star.

...Sunny smiles widely, charging off the table and after her fluffy friends. "Sounds like fu~n!"

Star makes some other quip that I don't hear well as I hurry after Marisa and Sanae, who escaped the room while I was staring at Sunny and her table antics.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The air is co~ld. Winter would be a lot more bearable if I was in like, America still… holy shit. Like, I could buy _coats!_

I sat on the back of Marisa's broom as the result of a begrudging negotiation.

Also Kasen was here. Apparently she left Reimu to rest for now, or something. "My home is likely being flooded as we speak. I hope my displeasure is understandable…"

Marisa turned to her. "What happened ta yer house?"

...Kasen smiled ironically. "We~ll… the way in which I hid it suspended the water. I was working to drain it, when I ended up in the shrine."

Sanae innocently looks in the other direction.

"I think ya have Sanae ta blame fer that, ze." Marisa grinned.

"We-well, _no!_ " Sanae denied suddenly.

…

Drifting towards her, Marisa grinned. "So we just _happened_ ta mysteriously end up in Reimu's shrine while ya wanted her ta go to bed."

...Giving in, Sanae whines. "I-I didn't mean to ruin Kasen's ho~use…"

"Think nothing of it. The rooms themselves should be reinforced anyway." ...Then, her face faltered. "Most… of them."

Woah no.

We hover over the Misty Lake, Kasen leading the way.

She briefed us. "Reimu wanted us to see if the Scarlet Devil Mansion was under siege recently."

"Sounds great!" Marisa has no complaints.

Curious, Sanae made an inquiry. "Shouldn't we check out the places that were attacked, first…?"

Shaking her head, Kasen rejected the idea. "I'm thinking Reimu thought they would have wanted some down time."

...At that, Sanae nods. "I guess so."

We float along the right side of the lake- from our perspective anyway.

…

The sun's getting bright, and it hurts. Oof…

…

As we hover over the woods to the right of the lake-

Shi~Fwoo~Ti~ng!

"Wh-what!?" Marisa's eyes widen, as we collide with a reflective barrier.

Oof!

I fly through the side of it, and fall onto the tree. _Luckily_ , I land on a large limb and only feel like I got the shit beat out of me instead of plummeting to my death.

Oof! "Guh- Huckh!"

 _Ouch_.

Thud.

…

Fu~ck me. Sittin' up, I stumble out of the barren bush I landed in, brushing twigs and tree dirt off of my Kaguya robe…

Looking behind me, I see the reflective barrier. Giant, tree-like pegs raise into the sky, thrice as tall as the tallest tree of this forest.

I'm on the outside of the barrier, alone.

…

Whelp, guess I'll just go, then! Wait…

Taking out Tundra Bloomer, I engage the barrier!

Ti~ng…

Buffing myself, I try again. Using Tundra Bloomer like a battering ram, I take to it-

Ti~ng…

Whelp. _Now_ I'll go…

Thud.

Hold the phone, what was that last noise?

Looking around the clearing, I move towards it. Pushin' past some bushes…

Aya stood, dusting herself off, looking annoyed.

"I found you." I declare, strutting towards her casually.

She flinches from my suprise guest appearance! "Wh-... oh. You know anything about this? Like, _who'd_ put up a stupid clear barrier around the lake?" She uses her thumb to gesture to the barrier that spawned.

I shrug. "Dunno. Marisa, Sanae, 'n' Kasen are stuck inside, I think."

...Aya huffed. "Guess I'm gonna have to interview them later. Thanks for the info! See ya!"

Aya flew away. Woosh. Like a _freakin'_ bird, yo...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Eventually, I happen upon a mansion in the woods. Not the Scarlet Devil Mansion; this one was comparatively more run down, and it didn't have the great wall of China outside, either.

Moving up to the kooky spooky manor, I knock on the door. "Who's home, yo~!?"

...I mean, s'better than breaking in if some demented vampire mistress lives here, too.

…

No~ response? No~ response.

…

I knock again after a minute, just incase someone was taking a dump and couldn't get to the door.

…

Whelp, I'm busting in, then! Moving around the left side- a window's already broken open. Freakin', yo, I'll take it. Must be the luck!

Climbing inside, I- partially slice my hand on the broken glass. Shieut.

...I also find it equally cold as the outside, somehow. What a rip for a cut hand!

From here I can hear some kinda music. It's comin' from deeper in the mansion, and it's not the creepy music box kind. It's like… what is that!? I dunno what it's like, I guess. It ain't the music your grandfather listened to, though…!

Moving further into the debatably abandoned manor, I pass shattered vases and tilted paintings, going after the source of the noise.

Hopefully I don't get the shit spooked outta me by ghastly sound ghouls. With any luck, they'll be friendly, yo.

Moving through the black-and-white tiled halls, I find myself unable to locate the noise I hear. I'm warm- to the noise, not in general- but u~h...

Freakin'... I can't find it! Like, it's this one section of walling, like a square of wall, but there's no door to the room. Unless it's some Castlevania nonsense where the stairs into it is on a different level entirely.

Time to do this the easy way! Takin' out Tundra Bloomer again, I start banging on the walls!

"Aaa~h, aaaa~h!" Wake me up! Wake me up insi~de!"

Bam! Bam!

The music stops.

...Bam!

Can't wake up, yo. Dead and go-...

"Hey, hey, hey!"

...Oo~h! I _know_ these touhous…!

The red Prismriver ghostie- I know their names, but not which color is which- floats out of the wall I suspected they were campin' out in.

We gaze at one another. I smile. "Hello, friend."

"...So you're not some random feral youkai." She sighs. "What were you _doing?_ "

"Waking up." I stare at the floor solemnly. "...can't wake up."

"...Well, go wake up somewhere else." She waves me off. "My sisters and I are practicing for our next show."

Oo~h! "Ya next show!? When is it, yo!?"

...Smiling, she complies. "It should be in the human village, during the music festival. It's not an annual thing… yet. We just kinda got it working with a few other musically talented youkai, you know?"

...S'it gonna be musical ghosts versus destructive townspeople? Or are they cool with ghosts?

"Considering you look like a dirtier, rattier, male Kaguya, I take it that you're not a villager, though…" She evaluates my appearance.

Suddenly, one of the marble pillars behind me began shaking violently. The ghostie's eyes widen. "Mo-move!"

Didn't hafta tell me!

Moving away, the pillar falls and veers towards me as it falls.

Bam!

It's knocked aside by a large, ethereal keyboard. Afterward, it veers back towards me, but it's too close to the ground to do any real crushin'. Instead, it just pushes me a bit.

"Woa~h, sparky!" I pet the pillar. "Calm your hormones!"

Whatever that was, it wasn't luck. That was like, the polar opposite. That woulda been like the deus ex machina of bad ends!

...Red ghostie gal sighs, glancing at her keyboard worriedly, using magic to flip it over. "...No damage. Good…"

Then, she gazes at me. "What was _that?_ "

"My lucky day." I grin.

...Nodding slowly, she begins floating back into the wall. "Right. Well, I'm gonna get one of my sisters out here to help you. You're lost, right?"

...I nod. "Yeah, pretty much."

With that, the red ghost floated inside the wall. I'm _gonna_ say she's Lyrica, because she _looks_ like a Lyrica. I could be wrong, though.

Sifting through my Kaguya pockets, I look at that red ribbon Hina gave- _holy crap_.

Similar to Hina earlier, it's burning with glowing, green flames.

Maybe I shoulda put it in the sack, earlier. How freakin' _unlucky_ , yo. Does this mean I have, like, a super luck down?

Well, I take this moment to stow it away in the sack. Freakin'... didn't think it'd curse _me!_

From the wall, a ghost clad in black floated out, a violin trailing behind her.

Now _that_ looks like a Lunasa. Merlin'd be the blue one, then. Unless I completely screwed that up.

"You're lost?" Lunasa stares at me, curious.

I point at her. "Are you a Lunasa!?"

…

"...Yes?" She is adequately weirded out!

"Woohoo!" I pump my arm into the air! "I got the _high score!_ "

With that, Lunasa smiles. "...I see. Do you have a home?"

I shake my head. "Nope. Burnt down by aborigines." I had ta look that last word up. It basically means the real OGs of a country. But, it also includes animals and plants, and not just people. My house was burnt down by prehistoric plants!

Lunasa is unsure where to take that comment. "...Follow me. For now, you can watch us practice. I don't know if the storm let up, since we've been going for a while, but everything seems fine, doesn't it?"

Nope, still stormin'. Mansion's just floatin' along like a log, yo.

"Come." Casually, she floats ahead.

I follow behind her, my eyes open for falling and/or magnetic shit, but nothing else unlucky happens on the way.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"It's _another_ weirdo!" Merlin, I think, greets me. I was right in thinking this room had inconvenient access from other floors. It's also a freakin' tall room, so I guess it's justified.

Merlin's clothes are more white than they are blue… but they're still blue-ish!

"Merli~n…" Lyrica proves my hypothesisisis correct! "We need to focus. Lunasa, why'd you bring _another_ oaf in?"

"He seems well off enough." Lunasa figured. "Challenged, but well enough."

Special in my own, mentally demented way yo.

Lyrica blinks. "...Sure. Can we get going, again?"

A trumpet blares in her ear. _Voo~!_

Flinching, Lyrica turns to her sister. "Me-Merlin!? Knock it off!"

"Hehehe~!"

Ghostie whosties, dude…

Turning back to her sisters, Lunasa acknowledged the lack of music. "Very well, very well. From the top?"

"Aa~h… I feel like we should put our song in at this part." Lyrica pouted. "It'd fit, wouldn't it?"

Lunasa made a focused face… "...Wouldn't it be a bit… egotistical, to put our song at both the start and end of the concert?"

"Who else can play music? I'd like to see them play it, then." Folding her arms, Lyrica floated back until she landed on a crapped out reclining chair.

Lunasa smiled. "All those musical youkai we organized the concert with."

Lyrica blinked. "...Ah. Right."

Honh.

"We should play that one song!" Merlin beamed. "The one that went like… beep, boop, boop boop, bop!"

…

"How about a serenade?" Lunasa made her own suggestion.

"Sapphire Elegy!" Merlin blurted.

Furrowing her brows, Lyrica shot back. "Red Concerto!"

Lunasa sighed.

"Blue Rhapsody!"

"We'll start with our song, and work from there…" Lunasa negotiates, raising her violin again. "Alright?"

Reluctantly, Merlin agrees. "Alri~ght…"

Without further discussion, a pleased Lyrica raises her keyboard while Merlin raises her trumpet.

Music plays! I can't really describe it, 'cause music is complex, yo. S'the Prismriver's theme, though. Not that I've-

 _Woah_.

I dunno how to describe it. Dizziness struck me at first, but after a moment or so, the music they played balanced out. Afterward, it felt like I was wearin' headphones, without the headphones. Duhuhu~de!

...Nodding my head, I casually strut in tune towards the instruments around the practice room. There's a grand piano in here, some flute things- recorders I think- drums, interestingly, chairs, and a _triangle!_

An electric freakin' triangle, minus the electric part! A triangle!

Moving up to it, I grab the large metal rod for it. The triangle was three feet tall, half as tall as me. Reeling my arm back, I gave it hell!

 _Ti~ng!_

The Prismriver sisters all immediately cringed, as the triangle's tone rang out across the room.

My skin crawled as the music abruptly halted. Oof.

...Lunasa gave me a patient, weary smile.

Her sisters were less patient! "I _told_ you he was a bad idea." Lyrica snidely commented.

...With a sigh, Lunasa floated towards me.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Just stand out here, okay?" Lunasa stopped me just outside of the door to their practice room. "I'll come get you when practice is over, and then I can help you."

...I held up the triangle rod stick thing, and she took it. Awwh.

With that, she closed the door.

…

Screw that noise. I'm gonna wander around like a freakin' loon.

Now, out in this wooden hallway, I'll note that this entire mansion is freakin' old. Like, the wooden floor is dull grey, with mossy green colors mixed in. Faded paintings hang off the walls of generic crap like flowers, and old dudes.

"huhuhuhuhu"

Yeah, they would be here, wouldn't they?

Fluffles scurry across the floor ahead of me, looking snug and stuff about the fact they're crawling on the mouldy floor.

...To each their own, yo.

At least they're not in the gimp suits of death.

...I crouch down and knock on the wood floor, hopefully not jinxing myself with that last sentence. Hey- you never know! That shit only takes five seconds! Better to prevent jinxes than it would be to get sliced open by _gimp fluffles_.

Bam!

Practically jumpin' out of my skin, I flail my arms. "Holy- Jesus!"

"Waaa~l!"

"here we go friends!"

A floating bathtub progressed out of the wall ahead, fluffle fins visible on the sides, keeping it propelled slowly.

Pullin' out Tundra Bloomer, I ready myself! Action time, yo!

…

I watch as they slowly hover near me, half praying that they don't have any freakin' crazy October surprises in store for me. Fluffles leap towards me from the tub, but I've not gotten in range, so it's not like it matters.

…

Running up to the tub, I engage by buffin' myself up, and attacking the front of it!

 _Bam!_

That noise is _satisfying_. My arms hurt, but still...

Drifting backwards, the cracked tub vibrates gently. Fluffles with little wizard hats stand up. "friend no dont do that we need shelter"

Nope, nope. After I saw them turn a rabbit girl into five different bloody pieces, I held no more respect for fluffles. Even if they're adorable little things.

I engage the front again!

 _Bam!_

The Prismriver's music loudly blares in the background as I assault the flying, fluffle-manned bathtub.

Porcelain chips rain to the floor, my melee attack fragmenting the front of the old, cheap tub.

...I look down as fluffles begin scaling my leg!

"Nope, nope, nope…!" I slam Tundra Bloomer into the floor, rattling the old floorboards. Channeling mana into it, I cast Gaia Seed…

Fwooo~...

The magical circle forms around myself. Sayonara, fluffle horde!

Activating, the misty magic makes me stagger, and my vision wane. The fluffles are peeled off by the weak downward force applied, and I distance myself from them by staggering forward.

With that done, I stomp forward towards the tub, and smack it with Tundra Bloomer-

 _Boom!_

Shattering in two, the tub fell apart, and the fluffles all squirmed out.

"Yo, yo, yo~!" I desperately swung the clunky hammer hanger at them, in an attempt at clubbing them all! It was only marginally successful!

After a few moments, the fluffle tub's contents dispersed, fleeing into other parts of the mansion. Behind them was the stranded, broken remains of a tub.

…

Well, then!

...Jogging across the hall, I move into the room the fluffles burst out of.

The wall lead to what was not a room, but another hall. There was another hole they cleaved through here, but it seems to lead to a bathroom. Ho ho!

I progress into the bathroom. It was small and simple. Unknown, aged jars and bottles sat on the sink, and a broken mirror reflected dereliction. And me, which may or may not also qualify as dereliction.

...Leaving the bathroom, I took a look around the hall.

The hallway itself had a green tone to it. Not 'cause of the moss, but because there was this torn up ass faded rug. At one point, it may have been a darker green. It's faded, now…

Similar drapery and banners hung on the walls, bearing some swooshy symbol I don't recognize.

At the far end of the short hall, a door sits unopened. Flowing, ethereal chains slowly run across it, surrounding a luminescent keyhole in the center.

...Wait…

Leaving the hallway by going into the main hallway outside of the practice room, I go around it and take a left turn.

I find the other side of the door. Only when I get close to it-

Ting!

Oof. Barriers, yo.

...Honh.

So that means I bypassed that barrier. I dunno if I coulda broken it before, but there's no use in doing so now, especially now that the wall's already smashed for me.

Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, I re-enter the room!

Two doors! One's at the far end and decorated, other one's on the right wall, similar to the bathroom. Hmm…

I move towards the farthest door. It beckons me, yo.

Reaching for the handle-

...I stop.

The handle jitters, sparks generating on it visibly and audibly as I bring my hand near it.

...Moving my hand in different directions, I play with the brightness and volume!

Whelp, that's a no, for now!

Door number two: will you kill me?

I bring my hand to the knob, slowly and carefully…

…

I touch it. Yo~! The _madman!_

Well, I'm not dead, or maimed, so this door should be safe.

After swinging it open, bookshelves fill my vision.

To the left, a desk sits. Pens sat splayed on the top, and papers laid strewn about on shelves and on the desk.

On the desk, too, there was a large book.

I glanced at it.

It was written in some-language-I-don't-knowenese! What I could make out were these funny illustrations. Symbols I didn't recognize filled three circles on one page, with one of the symbols furiously scribbled out by black ink. The aged paper was torn in that symbol as well, a pen stabbed through it.

...Well, that's good.

Lookin' around the room, I see sloppy notes in what looks like old-ass English. They'll never be as sloppy as _my_ notes, though, yo.

There are some metal strings and parts in the corner of the room, in a box. Picking them up, I stare at them…

Scrap metal? What, they make freakin' tinker toys, or some shieut?

I bang 'em together!

Clang!

They stick together.

Dude- I was _right!_

Tinker toys!

Clang!

Now it's an H shape!

Clang!

U~h…

Clang!

I turned it into abstract art. Woah no.

...Putting down the abstract piece, I dig deeper in the box, and pull out some tinier, string-esque pieces.

...I slap one onto the abstract geometry I had concocted.

Ting.

Holding it up, the string was loose, but attached to where I slapped it..

...Hmm.

Taking out Fairy Brand, I took the strings, and began attaching them across the open areas of the plant hanger. The design of it leaves a lot of negative space on the inside!

Instead of just slappin' em on, I take great care to try pressing one on.

Nope.

...I _smash_ it on!

...It worked!

Carefully positioning and smashing the other strings into place… I don't do much but add some kinda stupid strings. Honh.

I bring my finger to one, and pluck it!

A really tiny 'twing' is produced.

Whelp. Good instrument.

"What happened here!?" Lyrica's shout was heard from the hallway.

"...He-her room!" Lunasa's alarmed voice was audible, too.

Very quickly, the two poltergeists came across me.

Lyrica was cross. "What did you _do!?_ "

Daa~h! "No-nothing!" ...I look down at my string-adorned Fairy Brand, and hide it behind my back. "Wouldn't think 'a anything!"

...Lunasa took a moment to obsessively inspect the room, gazing intently at the book, the pens, the pens under the table that I didn't see until she checked…

Wow. Now she's going through some of the books on the shelves…

…

"I- you know, I don't think he touched anything." Lyrica eventually decided, noting Lunasa's surveying. "Aside from the easy instrument parts, which we've touched, too."

"You can't just assume that." Lunasa insisted, lifting a discarded spoon up and down again.

...Sighing, Lyrica turned away. "Mmh. Alright, Lunasa.

…

I stand around awkwardly as Lunasa finishes her inspection.

"So you didn't touch anything… except for those." She noted, looking me up and down. "Can you read English?"

In return, I point at her! "What was the latest outside calendar year ya can remember!?"

She pauses. "...Nineteen twenty-six."

Ah. "Yeah- that's the thing, yo. I'm from two _thousand_ fifteen!"

Her eyes visibly widen. "Ha-has it been that long…?"

I nod. "Apparently! Also: English. S'a bit different. Just a bit, yo."

...She folds her arms, looking displeased. "In what way?"

Freakin'... what's she got against me? Anyway, I go up to the book. "Mind if I read- try to- read this?"

"If you did, I would have to kill you."

…

"Geesh. Coulda~ just told me no." I nod slowly, the awkwardness settling in.

"I-I do what I have to do." Lunasa looks away, guilty.

I hold a hand up. "S'okay, yo. Got any, like, actual books for me to read in here, then? Like… the kind you _won't_ have to kill me for?"

...Lunasa nods. "Follow me."

Ho ho!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Here is the _actual_ library." Lunasa declares, spreading her arms as she shows me the large library the manor has to offer.

It ain't no Voile, not by a long shot. It's still pretty cool, though. Tall shelves, a faded green aesthetic which is even more faded than the super secret hallway, and some windows.

...She notices my mild approvement of the library. "...Have you seen bigger?"

Yeah. "Voile."

She rolls her eyes. "Figures."

Hyonk.

"...All of our books are in English or French. You can read English, right?"

I smile. "Yeah, yo. Gimme a book."

With that, Lunasa slowly takes to the shelves, likely picking out a good read.

Nineteen twenty wasn't that long ago. _Surely_ I'll be able to read whatever it is.

VooVoo!

We both jump at the sound of a freakin' trumpet blaring from the wall.

...Huffing, Lunasa drew her violin, and played a chord.

Vriiii~!

A ball of shining, silver energy formed next to the wall where Merlin likely was. It was like, light and liquid at the same time. Merlin floated out, and got caught in orbit around it. "Wo-woah, woah, woah!"

...She just casted Magnet. Freakin' _Magnet_.

The spell ended, and Merlin hung in the air, upside down.

"...Honestly." Lunasa grins, returning to the books.

"What's gotcha on edge, Lunasa?" Merlin apparently saw something I didn't!

"Nothing." Smiling, Lunasa idly strafes along the bookshelf. "Why would I be?"

...Merlin nods slowly, righting herself. "'Cause you're still suspicious of crossdresser man over-"

Vriii~!

Blue flames envelope Merlin for a brief moment. Her lips move, but words don't come out. Once she realizes what happened, she pouts at her sister.

"...Some things are best left unsaid, sister." Lunasa sheepishly adds.

...She turns to me, but I just smile and wave.

"Ri-right, a book…" Lunasa continues to browse, consciously this time…

...The light shining in through the windows makes this dusty ass library look really nice!

"Oh!" Perking up, Lunasa drew a book from the shelf. "Here. This is one of my favorites…"

She hands me a book with a blank cover. Good. S'great for identification.

Opening it up, I see the title!

 _The Great Gatsby._

Oh no.

...I open to a random page.

"Hey, at least read it in order…" Lunasa pouts.

"I did, in fact, read this." I inform her. Not gonna spoil it for _you_ guys, but lemme tell ya: the adventure's not _terribly_ exciting…!

She furrows her brows. "What? A book this old? Surely it'd have been retired well into that time."

I raise a finger. "Media."

...She stares back blankly. "...What do you mean, 'media'?"

You freakin' old tyme noob. "Okay, okay, look: the old sport get approved to be used to educational purposes, yo. Thing's super popular just 'cause."

At that, Lunasa smiles. "...Oh? I'm glad so many people have read it."

You don't sound very convinced. "No- for real. Themes of, like… social commentary! Daisy and her fop of a hubby! That one mexican dude- I think- got with her? Wasn't there a guy named Ted?"

...Lunasa's expression became dry. "Did we read different versions of the same book? You're… only semi-accurate in your recollection."

Good enough! I'm getting warmer! "Ted Cruz! The leaks, Dahnald! I must protect the satellite link, Dahnald!"

…

"You lost me." Lunasa pouted again.

Daw. "...Well, I read The Great Gootsby, yo."

"I see…" Floating up, Lunasa almost went for a new book, but looked down at me. "So you _can_ read the English from our time…"

Suddenly, her violin was at my neck. 'Cause that's how violin's work.

"What reason do I have to believe that you didn't read the book?" She glowered down at me, expression suddenly authoritative.

Wh-which book!? "...Wh-whaddaya mean-"

" _Her_ book."

...Oh, _that_ book. "...Is 'no' a good enough answer?"

"No."

Hypocrite!

"C'mo~n…" Merlin stops observing and says things. "You really think this guy would be after her? He's like, from a bazillion years later!"

"I-I don't know what it's like!" Lunasa snapped. "He-he could be from _them_ , for all I care!"

...I raise my hand. "I'm American, yo."

At that, Lunasa's violin falls from my neck unceremoniously, flopping on the floor.

"...O-oh." Lunasa appears crestfallen. "...I-I'm so sorry. I-I thought…"

…

"I'm fluffy." I break the silence before it gets too awkward.

"See?" Merlin is smug as she gestures to me. "He's fluffy."

Nuggets, dude…

"...We-well, are you actually lost?" Lunasa tilts her head.

I shrug. "Kinda just wanderin' around… so yes and no."

At that, Lunasa nods. "Ah. You… made an 'instrument', did you not?"

I take out Fairy Brand again, and show off the strings!

It draws blank stares.

…

I give it a pluck!

twing

…

"Wow!" Merlin beams at it. "That's the crappiest improv instrument ever!"

"Now, Merlin…" Lunasa chides her sister. "...We could help you out, with that."

Ho ho?

Merlin nods enthusiastically. "Yeah!" ...She turns to her sister. "We can?"

"We can." Lunasa confirms. "Simply enchanting the strings should allow for amplification. Pre-programming what notes they play would be the simplest and easiest."

"Wo~w." Blinking, Merlin absorbs her sister's words. "...All went _right_ over my head." Or not.

Lunasa snorted. "Where's our sister?"

"Lemme go get her!" Merlin took off, floating through the wall. Hmm.

…

"So~..." Lunasa was awkward. "Sorry for, uhm… threatening you."

I grin. "Don't worry about it, yo. S'not every day you get to tell people a poltergeist almost slit your throat with a violin." Violent violins!

Lunasa cringed.

...Eheh.

"We-well… consider this our apology." She built her composure back up. "We try to be good people, here."

Good dead people, yo.

...Wait, I almost forgot… "What's it like living in a maze-like mansion with the ability to fly through walls?"

Lunasa stared at me. "...Where did that come from?"

I point at the wall Merlin left from. "Home."

...She nods. "Well… I don't know. It's pleasant?"

Hmm. I might need some second opinions…

"What's this about enchanting…?" Lyrica floats in, looking vaguely annoyed. Merlin floats in behind her.

"Yo. Question:" I raise a finger. "What's it like livin' in a mansion and bein' able to fly through walls?"

...Lyrica went from vaguely annoyed to actually annoyed. "Good. Great. Why am I here, now?"

"We're going to enchant the strings on his instrument." Lunasa smiled casually.

...Lyrica gave an exaggerated sigh. "Really, now… Why?"

"Because I almost, in his words, 'slit his throat with a violin', and I'd rather not have a guilty conscience." Lunasa counters, still smiling casually.

Snorting, Lyrica conceded defeat. "...Good reason as any, I guess."

Woohoo! Hangers are an instrument!

With that, we prepared for the enchanting of my weapon. This preparation involved finding a table that wouldn't collapse into dust if you sneezed on it.

We sat at the third table we found.

"This time…" Lyrica cautiously pressed down on it. "...Good, I think."

Merlin jumped on it, the table producing a horrible creaking noise.

Lyrica's jaw dropped. " _Merlin!_ "

"Wha~t?" Merlin pouted, getting off of the table. "It didn't break. Now we know it's-"

Snap!

"-fine…" Merlin stared down at the table in horror.

Lunasa facepalmed.

The fourth table seemed to be legit, though! 'Cause it was metal, and not wood. That, and we gave up and just went to the outside garden and told the library's wooden tables to sod off.

"Alright…" Lunasa cracked her ghost knuckles which didn't need cracking. "We're gonna make each string play a basic note. That's it."

...Vainly, Lyrica criticized the exercise. "Are you trying to tell me something?"

Lunasa shook her head. "Heavens, no. It is all we have time for… and I'm sure all he'd know how to play." She gestures to me.

She's not wrong, either!

Nodding, Lyrica agrees. "Yea~h. Alright. Let's make it quick, then."

Lifting my hanger into the air with their magical poltergeist abilities, Lunasa and Lyrica quickly survey it, before getting to work.

"So~.." Lyrica taps along the strings I attached to Fairy Brand. "Simple ascending chords here, here, here, an~d here?"

Lunasa hummed pleasantly. "Mmm…"

"Awesome." Satisfied, Lyrica looked over the hanger. "There we go."

...That was freakin' fast!

She hands it over to me, and I take it. Standing from the metal garden table, I pluck the strings!

Twi~ng…!

There we go, yo. It's like a harp! Hanger harp! Harp hanger?

…

 _Fairy Harp_. Yo~! New name, even though the upgrade was just a sorta crappy aesthetic piece! I mean, hey… it can play sound. S'pretty good technology for _old_.

"He looks happy." Lunasa smiles at me.

With that, Lyrica floated away, heading for the manor wall again. "Cool. C'mon, we gotta get ready!"

"What're we gonna do?" Merlin followed after Lyrica, twirling in the air.

"The same thing we do every night, Merlin. Try to take over the next concert!"

They phased through the wall.

…

Lunasa floats up from the table, herself. "Lively, aren't they?" You _cheeky_ little… "Do you wish to stay, or do you think you will head out?"

I stand. "I think I'll book it, yo." Your mansion is cold, probably lacks food, and I might catch somethin' from the musty wood. As fun as it is here, I think I'll take my chances walking to the mansion!

"Alright. Visit the village, sometime. Youkai and human alike are welcome at our concerts." With that, she floated off.

...Wait, how does that even _work!?_

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I wonder if Marisa and her goon squad reached here, yet.

Meiling stood against the gate, sleeping peacefully.

…

The fluffle stand was still here. "call now for your free snuggling"

...Walking up to the desk, I look the fluffle in its _tiny decal_ _eyes_.

"...Wal?" It tilts its head.

"Rubber suit, blade appendages, red diamond bullets." I list off qualities of the gimp-suited fluffle things to it.

...It stares at me with that painted smile.

"Walnuts, son, do you _speak_ them!?" If not, you will soon be _destroyed!_

"Waaa~l!" It raises its little fins!

That's it, son, you're gettin' fookin' caved.

Climbing onto the desk, I tip it over as I unceremoniously lunge for the fluffle. "Woaa~h!"

Thud!

"Waal~aaa~l!" The fluffle wails, as I crush it with my skinny body!

"Raa~h!" I don't have any hangers on hand so I just use the two weapons biology gave to me: fists!

I move my fists until they impact the fluffle's face. Unfortunately, this tires me out very quickly, because I'm also struggling to not collapse onto the floor from the weird angle I now share with the stand table.

"...What are you _doing?_ " Meiling was baffled.

"Engh!" I shout from the fluffle stand.

...With that, the fluffle dissipates into dust. I did it!

…

Meiling helps me by tipping the stand back upright, which rights me, as well.

I stumble back from the stand. "...Yo~!"

She sighs. "...Mistress shouldn't be so hard on visitors, now. She's had some time to cool off about recent events."

Honh. "I got intel she requested!"

"O~h, that's right!" Meiling perked up. "Guess I can let you right in…!"

Before that… "Yo, you seen a certain book thief 'round here?"

Meiling blanched. "...Did she come by?"

I shake my head. "Her party probably woulda woke you up. I think." Now that I think about it… maybe not…

Meiling slouched. "I thought with the storm, I'd actually get to _sleep_ for a bit…"

I tilt my head. "Aren't ya always sleeping?"

"...Yeah." Meiling sighs.

She totally pretends to sleep to gank people. "Cheer up, friend. There is always yester year."

...She snorts and grins. "Shut up."

With that, I walk up to the gate.

…

"Help." Please open sesame, friend.

"I wanna see if _you_ can do it." Meiling smirked, not moving from her position against the wall.

I dunno whether to complain that you're being inconvenient, or be pleased by the fact you're challenging me!

Takin' out Tundra Bloomer, I boost my strength once again! "...Raa~h!"

Grappling with the gate, I begin pushing…

…

Hnn~gh! Harder!

…

Ho~ly shieut. Scarlet Devil Mansion gate is overpowered. Please nerf.

Panting, I concede defeat after not even managing to make the gate creak. "Freakin'... yo."

"...You can't tell me you walk around everywhere and can't at least figure _this_ out." Meiling stares at me with a smirk. "I'll let you in on a hint: _anyone_ can open it. You don't have to be strong."

Son, a fish can't climb trees! In this situation, I'm the fish!

I stare at the gate critically…

Grabbing onto it, I begin trying to shift it, as if it were some piece in a block puzzle, or a Rubix Cube…

Yeah, doesn't go so well.

...I try to tangle myself in the gate, but that's pretty hard to do intentionally. Hrrm.

Nearing one of the bars, I stare at it tenderly… "I want you in my life." I lick the bar.

"Wh-what the hell…" Meiling chuckles merrily. "Th-that's… I think I'm just gonna let you in."

I guess it worked, then!

Moving from the gate, I let Meiling push it open for me. "Didn't want you figuring out the way, anyway. It'd be pretty bad if it got out."

You know, what if she's just fucking with me and making this up? Then again, I don't think Meiling's _that_ sly and jerkish.

"Happy snooze trails, friend." I wave at her as I re-enter the mansion for my uhmpteenth time in Gensokyo.

She waves back, closing the gate.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Meiling sighs, leaning against the wall next to the gate once more.

…

"Mayday! Mayda~y!"

She peeled one eye open, and scanned the clearing ahead of the gate.

Marisa slowly floated down, her broom smoking. On the broom were Sanae and Kasen, who were holding onto Marisa tightly.

Eventually, the broom's tip along with Marisa's heels dug into the dirt path in an almost soft manner. Slowly, the broom began to decline in speed, until the smoking broom stopped just shy of the gate.

...Meiling turned to the three. "Mistress isn't expecting anyone, today. Or Patchouli-sama. Or Sakuya. Or Flan-sama. Or Koakuma, or any of the innumerable fairy maids. That excuse will _not_ work this time."

Marisa quickly stood up from her broom, adjusting her singed hat. "We got ambushed by fluff'n'stuffs, ze!"

Sanae slowly peeled off of Kasen's back, and onto the floor. "I-I got sand in my _panties_ …"

Meiling stared at Sanae in horror.

...Kasen stood from the grounded broom, and sighed. "Considering you are not panicked, I take it things are fine here?"

Meiling blinked. "...Yeah? Why wouldn't-"

Boom! An explosion came from the manor's interior.

Meiling exchanged looks with Kasen and Marisa, before running up to the gate and swinging it open violently.

Cla~ng! The gate hit the inner brick wall, vibrating on its hinges.

"Oi, oi! Wait for us!" Marisa grabbed her broom from the dirt, and bolted after the gate guard.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 43

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY:

Youkai Inconveniencer - Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

Holy Talismans - Provides a holy upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

Electric Talismans - Provides an electric upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out…

A Wiffle Duster - For shoving up people's rectums.

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

today is October sixteenth, two thousand-sixteen.

this fanfic was uploaded October sixteenth, two thousand-fifteen.

 _ **holy shit**_

A year of FREAKIN GENSOKYO, folks. S'been a freakin' year since I started writing this unending trainwreck of plotlessness. A year to the _day_.

To commemorate this, I'm going to blab longer than usual in the author's note because it's this fanfic's freakin' birthday!

Now…

My intent with this fic was to do the "outsider OC" right; not only that but make it the typically horribly cringey self-insert, and try to do it _right_. I've discovered a few things in the past year, and what I've discovered is that that's pretty hard to do in text. My goal wasn't to make it non-cringe, but at least make the cringe comedic- it's cringe comedy! That being said, I tried to keep it minimalistic.

You can probably tell pretty easily where plot bunnies popped into my head and I followed them, and it's through this practice that I've been bettering my writing skills (or so I hope). This story's been entirely by the "seat of my pants", and while it may show, I hope it still flows well regardless.

I wanted to avoid giving my OC too much power, almost religiously including that in decision making sometimes. I always feel it sorta BS to give my guy _anything_ , but at the same time there are opportunities to give him more. This drove my former editor / currently proofreader up the _wall_ , since he's also the self-insert for the Matt chapters… and he's a lot more obsessed with power-oriented characters than I am (to the point of calling a character like mine uninteresting in comparison with Reimu or Marisa solely because I can't do the things they can do or fight the enemies they can).

On the note of fighting enemies: I did end up making there be a plethora of weaker enemies to fight. Fluffles weren't quite meant as such, even if they did fulfill that purpose. They were just… things. I've been told that they're Gary Stus of their own… but can you really say that of a tiny mook faction that does next to nothing (except for in this update)? 'Sides… s'kinda the _point_. Fairies make good cannon-fodder, by the way! I only wish I included proper Kedama, but I'll probably find a way to shoehorn them in later, somewhere.

I also wanted to avoid including too many OCs. Well, kinda failed that- but, I didn't expressively develop many of them, such as the random fairies of the SDM or the bunnies of Eientei. Screen time pretty much equaled development time, and less screen time means less display of potential personality. I let the characters speak for themselves, and I don't really give a crap about making a paragraph of what they look like. Black, long hair. Blue, short hair. Orange, with pigtails. Maybe tall, maybe short. I give vaguer descriptors because I'll be honest: if you wrote me an entire descriptive paragraph, I'd probably get the exact same info from it that I'd get from "black hair, tall, sharp eyes".

My proofreader's criticized this fanfic for not "following plot enough"- which is true- but also that that's a bad thing. My counterargument is that slice of life anime exists, but I wanna know from _**you**_ guys: is the lack of plot in this fic (be it in gaining equips, dragging characters along for the sake of plot, meaningfulness of incidents) a bad thing? I probably asked something similar in a previous chapter in this update, but it's been like a month or two so y'know, bear with me, just writin' this reflection off the cuff.

My prose: dopey or on-point?

I'd ask about the comedy, but I _think_ it's fine.

This whole fic kinda makes a point about it being more about the journey than the destination. I hope, anyway.

In the Matt chapters, I wanted to draw interesting audience reactions based on his actions. He was purposefully crafted by me and my proofreader to be generally unlikable to almost everybody, but still _vaguely_ relatable, at least in comedic ways. I also wanted to make a point about the bluntness of murder and the potential in another human it extinguishes- and I wanted to do this by not lingering on any of the kills. Matt does them, comments on it briefly, and splits. Other youkai and humans pass judgement on his actions, but I (try to) make it clear that the story itself is _not_. May or may not be noted by the fact my character really doesn't _care_ that Matt kills people. Judging by the reviews, I think I got the unlikable part down! (which isn't hard, but making them unlikable and still tolerable is the other part to consider).

My original intent was to make two different fics entirely, and have them cross over at certain intervals and having the crossover be apparent in each different fic, but I decided that'd be too much work- esp. in scenes that have both of us in them and it'd essentially be me rewording a chapter or chapter segment.

It's an interesting idea, even still…

…

anyway yeah

tl;dr is my story bad right now or is it good? if it's bad, please illustrate how bad and what's bad and maybe why it's bad

if it's good, please illustrate how and what and why too, friend

no obligations, not tryina be patronizing, and not fishin' for compliments; it just really helps me to get feedback on these kinds of things regardless of how you present it

...basically _**please review and tell me in detail what i did good/bad right/wrong etc i sell you slovakian king**_

thank you all so much for reading up to this point; i know i said i'm doing this for myself mostly… and I AM, but it also feels pretty great to hone the craft and better my skills, and make something generally presentable

maybe i'm just overthinking things but for serious feedback is pretty nice no matter how destructive; just be honest though yo

as always, see you all next time. here's to another year of writing!

~A FREAKIN' SKOOLATOON


	55. Gimme Three Steps: Tubthumping Cover

(in which we scuffle a carpet)

Boom!

 _Somethin'_ blew up. Dunno what it was, and it wasn't me!

I hear the fairies in the hall around me hush into silence. Then, they start shuffling about in fluffy manners…

"Wa-wah!" Some fairy maid with short, black hair walks into a taller fairy, and they both fall to the floor.

"Move, move, _move!_ " Komi passes me, plowing her way through the idle friends. Koi follows behind her, giving me a smirk before turning away.

"He-hey!" I hear Ha-chan! I dunno what happened to her back at Eientei, but I assume she got beat the _fuck_ up by those chuckle fluffs.

She proceeds to bump into Komi, attempting to walk through her or somethin'...

"Can you _not!?_ " Komi struggles with her, trying to shove her aside and fight her forward momentum. "Da-damn it- _you!_ "

Thud! They fell to the floor.

"Komi-cha~n!" Ha-chan whined, wiggling off of her to try and reach me.

Komi latched onto her, slightly winded from getting bowled over. "You want to go!? Le-let's go!"

With that, they began wrestling on the floor.

Nice hustle.

...Koi moves up to the wall, and leans against it, grinning at the two.

Boom!

Shit's explodin', du~de! Either that's Flandre being Flandre, or someone invented _bombs_. If the fairies invented bombs, yo… that'd be like, game over. Remilia: next mansion ya make, it's gotta be outta rocks and steel. For serious. Like, Bowser's castle. _He's_ got bombs and thwomps, because his floors can take it.

Lookin' over at the main lobby, I see Meiling bound in, followed by Kasen and Marisa. They dart through the air, bypassing the foyer stairs to the upper level.

Friends! As fun as that looks, I think I'm just gonna _not_ get involved, there. Infact, this would be a good time to stop by Patchy's library. Maybe I'll get to set up those little boxes with the twig holding them up! Only the most elite of traps.

I try to move past the wrestling fairies, but Ha-chan grabs my ankle. "Don't leave me~!"

Yo! Now how am I-

Komi bounds over her and starts assaulting me! My efforts to push back are in vain!

Thud. Now _I'm_ on the floor.

"Eat _carpet!_ " Komi boasts, rubbing my face on the carpet.

Which sucks, by the way. Rugs are not very good for bare skin that isn't feetsies. This includes _faces_. I ain't lettin' myself get beat, yo…!

Flailing my left arm, I eventually disrupt Komi enough to bash her with my back, sending us both tumbling further.

"Ugh…!" She grunts in irritation. "Fucking…"

Ha-chan gets up, and instead of being helpful and ending the tussle, she dives onto Komi. "Oof!"

"Run, Brad-kun!" Ha-chan takes one for the team! "The oranges are in the kazoo! I repeat, the oranges are in the kazoo!"

Yo ho ho~!

Scrambling up from the floor, I sprint away and leave the fairies to their devices. Freakin'... fluffy.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The library doors are wide open, for a change! I'm down to clown with that, yo.

I run inside, and see little in terms of fairies or friends. Some tomes hover menacingly in the air, but they don't focus on me.

Lookin' around cautiously, I proceed deeper into the library.

A hand latches onto my shoulder. Pausing to inhale, I yell. " _Ah!_ " ...It's less of a surprised yell, and more of just like… _Ah!_

Koakuma recoils back. "...You're louder than _I_ am."

Pivoting around, I progress towards her. "I'll defeat you with the _voice!_ " Yelling is a magical attack, I tell you! Patchy may have firestorms, and Marisa might have lasers, but I have the ability to yell at women!

Koakuma smirks, approaching me herself. "I can make you _scream,_ if that's what you want."

Nevermind. Yelling magic is severely underbuffed, yo. I blame the game designers.

I back up. "No, yo, no. I came to meet with a fluffy magi, not to let you swallow my soul."

"Oh, I'll _swallow_ you, alright…" She leans over, beginning to open up her shirt. "Come on. I know you want me."

I've had _enough_ of the succubus talk! S'a sli~ppery slope she's playin' right there…

" _Ah!_ " I counter with yelling magic!

She recoils. "Stop that…!"

"Make me, yo!" Get ow~ned!

She snorts. "Fine." With that, she threw her hands outward, ruby red nails extending.

Hoh, shit…!

I run forward as she floats after me, leering down from above. "Fufufu~!"

Taking out Fairy Harp, I book it! "Friend, let me play you relaxing sounds!"

"Let me hear you _moan!_ "

Koakuma dips down from above and picks me up, lifting me by the under arms and whisking me into the air. From there, she reaffirms her grip with one arm, the other trying to disarm me.

She accidentally plays some tunes! Twa-twa-twa~ng!

Her brows furrow at that, but she doesn't comment.

"Y-yo!" Also, I'm in a pretty shitty situation. Again. Eat yelling magic! " _Ah!_ "

"That's it…" She pulls me towards her, attempting to kiss me. I tilt my head, and she only manages to butt heads with me instead. "You _fucking_ _virgin!_ "

Then a giant tome smashed into the side of us, sending us sprawling.

"Hngh…" Koakuma wobbles in the air as I fall to the floor. She didn't take me very high, so-

"Oof." I land on my butt.

The giant, blue and yellow tome flaps about angrily, sparks emanating from within the pages.

"Why!?" Koakuma protested! "Just let me _fuck_ him, Patchouli-sama~! Plea~se!?"

...Patchouli sighed. "You're rather desperate, today. More than usual."

"Can you blame me!?" Koakuma snaps back. "That book- the one from the outside! It got me _horny!_ "

"...I see." Patchouli's expression was vain. "...If it really were a need, I can simply erect a homunculus, you know."

Scoffing, Koakuma seethes. " _Homunculus_. That's just a sack of meat, literally. I want someone fuckable."

"...Why don't you go down to the village?" Patchouli tilted her head.

Koakuma stares at her dryly. "When was the last time I had a day off?"

...Patchouli conceded. "Fair enough. If I recall correctly, there's a reason we stopped letting you go out for groceries."

Rolling her eyes, Koakuma began to float off. "Yeah, yeah. Okay, Patchouli-sama. _Sure_."

…

Patchouli floated down to me once she was gone. "Books from your world are vulgar to a troublesome extent."

I tilt my head back and forth. "They're fun, though."

"They would be." She gives me a dry stare, before turning away, the large tome that broke up the earlier squabble floating down to touch base with her. "What information did you-"

Boom! The mansion shook.

...Patchouli inspected the book's side and pages. "What information did you obtain about the fluffles?"

"They're gettin' uppity, yo." I answer the normal question! "They attacked Eientei recently. Shit ton of losses, I think."

…

Appearing genuinely surprised, Patchouli turns to me and makes eye contact. "Genuinely?"

"Yeah. I was on the lines 'a battle, watchin' rabbits get sliced. Like, there was this one moment- I'll just cut it short and say the rabbit got like _hectasected._ "

Patchouli blinks. "Fluffles, correct?"

I nod. "In like, space-defying gimp suits." ...At her incredulous face, I continue. "For serious- they like slid through walls and shit!"

"You… seem genuine." At that, she nods. "This is more serious than I had at first anticipated, I suppose."

Ho ho!

"I thank you for doing reconnaissance on behalf of the manor." Patchouli gives me a small smile. "...Mostly because Remi is busy-"

Boom!

She sighed. "...Really busy."

She _smiled_ at me, dude...!

Boom!

What _is_ that!?

...Patchouli notices my incredulity. "One of the little mistress' friends was injured by one of the fairy maids, before Sakuya collected all the guns… which seemed to be planted here by Yakumo. Sakuya found her gaps while time was stopped."

Sakuya's sharp, yo. And not just 'cause she's got knives! ...Wait, Flandre has friends? Oo~h! Koishi~! I can't believe I forgot… about… her.

Freakin' Koishi.

"Remi even got shot in the butt." Patchouli nodded in a satisfied manner. "When she came into the library screaming about it…" Grinning, she shook her head. "Mmm."

Pffft. Man, if only I didn't die when I get shot! I coulda hung around a little longer!

Satisfied with the state of the giant mean tome, Patchouli pushed it, allowing it to fly away. "Anyway… I don't believe it would be within your best interests to-"

Boom!

"-...Mmm." She let the mansion's shaking accent her point. "If you're quiet, I'll let you reside here."

So tempted to use yelling magic on her… but I can't bring myself to, at the moment.

With that, she begins floating away. I was half expectin' an offer 'a hospitality, but that'd probably be a little much to expect. If there's anything I gotta get hyped about, though, yo…

Let's see, what can I find to keep myself entertained, in here…?

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Ha-chan and her friends eventually caught up!

Sitting down at the table where I was playing with some of Patchouli's erasers that I had swindled from an unattended desk, I watch Komi and her goonies gather on the other end of the table.

"What the fuck is that?" She points at my map with erasers positioned on it!

"The war plan." My face slowly fell. "The end, dude."

…

"Cool." Komi snorts, before clearing her throat. "Ahem… we're hanging out in here because the tomes are a lot better at fighting vampires than the other assholes."

Namori sits down to her right. "I died. Outsider guns a-are, scary..."

Koi grinned. "I wasn't even _around_ for that shit. Some guy like, took me to a bar and got me drunk, and then dragged me out in the rain-"

"How did that get you into a _bank vault?_ " Komi's mouth was agape. "Every time you recount it, your shit doesn't add up!"

"I was drunk!" Koi counters, yelling at her friend. "Of course it doesn't!"

"Bar to bank! Bar to _bank!_ On _that_ night!" Komi stood up.

Koi got up, grinning. "You wanna wrestle!?"

Domineering as ever, Komi bended towards her, looming over her. "I'll teach you to _respect_ me as your mistress, again."

Two large, person-sized blue tomes slowly hovered down from above. The fairies didn't realize what was happening until it was too late, and the tomes began to squish them into the floor.

"Da-damn it!" Komi tries to fight hers, but it presses her to the floor. "Fuck!"

"A-ah!" Koi is too stout to combat it in any way. "Awwh…"

I look up at the library's skies, and see the small, distant figure of Patchouli turn away from us. Like the superhero of libraries, dude.

…

Ha-chan comes back from the shelves, holding picture books. "I found boo~ks!"

"Fuck books." Komi grumbles.

"Fuck _you._ " Koi grins at her.

Komi has nothing to say to that, other than to look half amused and half enraged.

Ha-chan splayed the picture books out on the table. Promptly, Namori took this tiny one about a cat celebrating Christmas.

Wait, _Christmas!?_ Dude, Gensokyo better celebrate Christmas! That'd be like… yo! I'd totally be asking for dope ass spell lessons and books and wands and staves and swords and and-

Ha-chan shoves a book in my face. "Reading's good for you, Brad-kun."

Never woulda guessed it, yo.

I take the book. It's in, like, Mongolian or something. I~ can't read it, but I can smile at the funny pictures! Like this one about this guy... getting shot in the face with a gun!

I dunno what the audience for this book is. Freakin'...

The blue tomes fly away, releasing the other two. Komi and Koi take their time getting up…

"...No porn mags." Koi slouches.

"Oh, please." Komi folds her arms. "I can read tougher stuff than this."

Ho ho! We've got a badass over here…!

...Actually, that raises a good question. Does this library have an inbetween of 'picture books' and 'complex theoretical magical tomes'? I mean, considering it's like, bigger than the mansion on the outside, it better. Only problem's that they might be in like, French, or really really old English.

Ha-chan ignores her, flipping open her picture book and smiling widely.

...Paper flutters down from overhead. A sheet flies into my face, and I peel it off.

Oh. Porn.

Koi obtains a sheet. "He~y...!"

Komi moves next to her to take a peek, and sighs. "This is your fault."

"I'm a porn _wizard!_ " Koi beams, holding her arms out wide.

"That would be _me._ " Koakuma floats down from above, amidst the hentai sheets. With that, she skips towards me, purposefully picking the most bouncy way of traversing. "Do you think I have an ulterior mo~tive?"

...What kinda question's that? "No."

…

"We~ll, you're right, then!" She spreads her arms wide, her boobs bouncing again. "From the kindness of my heart, a gift to you."

Sure.

...Koi walks around, quickly picking up all the scattered sheets.

Noticing, Koakuma frowned at her. "Okay, what, you have something against porn?"

Koi jerks her head back. "What? I'm _keepin'_ this stuff! It's awesome!"

...Raising her hands and grasping at the air malevolently, Koakuma steps towards her. "I'm trying to score a _fuck_ , here!"

'Fuck' is the most versatile word in the English language. It's literally every type of word.

Snorting, Koi turned away. "With who, him?" She points at me. "Dude, guy's deader down there than a box of rocks. I'm still trying, myself."

…

Koakuma quickly takes her side, smirking. "We need to talk."

"He-hey!" Koi tries to struggle from her grasp. "Lemme go!"

With that, the succubus abducted the fairy, carrying her off under her right arm.

…

"She'll be fine." Komi yawned, taking a moment to stretch. "...Prolly gonna like it." Leaning against a bookshelf, her eyes fluttered.

Looks like _someone_ got hit by the daytime drowsies, yo…

Boom!

The loud explosion demands my attention! Turning to it, I note that the far, upper wall's been blown open with firey rage!

" _This wo~rld!_ " Flandre roars, darting into the library, wind violently howling around her form. Her wing shards glowed like industrial grade nightlights, leaving iridescent trails behind her as she zipped around like a freakin' jet.

Vrrrrr~!

A thick, rainbow-colored laser shot from the hole she came from. Wasn't quite a Master Spark, but it was Master Spark-like.

Flandre rolled out of the way, accelerating across the greater half of the entire library and through the wall.

Boom!

Aa~h, the vices of existential angst! She moves so fast that she makes this giant sprawling booktropolis look like a freakin' McDonalds drive-through.

Marisa rockets overhead, going after her. "Sana~e! More of that wind thing, before I die, ze!"

"Ye-yes!" Sanae and Kasen slowly trail along behind her. The former waves her gohei through the air. "Aero!"

Woosh!

Marisa was protected by a wind shield. Giving Sanae a thumbs up, she ditched the two. "Yer the best!"

"Wa-waa~it!" Sanae calls out for her, to no avail.

Honh.

...Komi, Ha-chan and I all stare up at the commotion. Unfortunately for Sanae and Kasen, they were too slow to escape the oncoming barrage of automated tomes.

"Oh, waa~h!" After being beaned in the head by a tome, Sanae spiralled to the floor at a constant, slow rate.

Kasen sighed, and slowly descended along side her, ignoring the books assaulting her.

I turn to Ha-chan. "We should go find 'em, yo!"

Excited, she stacks up a few picture books and begins following behind me. Yo ho ho!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

On the outer fringes of the library, I find Sanae lying under a pile of tomes, Kasen leisurely digging her out, one by one. Patchouli was here, with her arms folded.

"Hello, friends." I greet them.

"...Hello." Kasen smiled at me.

...Patchouli raised her hand, and telekinetically lifted the remaining books.

"Ha~h!" Sanae gave a gasp of life! Scurrying out from beneath the books and sitting before Patchy, she smiled. "Th-thank you, Patchouli…!"

I felt the vibrations when Patchy sat the books back down. "Anytime. My books are better undirtied by the demise of green mikos."

...Sanae's smile becomes more awkward than grateful. "Ahaha~h… right."

"We apologize for letting her outlash reach here." Kasen bowed respectfully.

Patchouli stared at her blankly. "It was going to happen eventually. I'm just glad she didn't stick around."

...Ha-chan eagerly walks up to Patchouli, and tries to hand the stack of picture books off to her.

Patchouli is suddenly taken aback. "...Wh-what? No…"

Ha-chan pouts. "Awwh… But I picked them out for others…"

...Patchouli shakes her head. "I am far above picture books. Sorry."

"I'll read some!" Sanae was eager to let out the child inside herself!

"Yea~y!" Ha-chan bounded towards the long-haired miko, and began eagerly sharing the picture books with her.

I stepped- woah… I-I'm gettin' kinda dizzy, for some reason…

...Kasen furrowed her brows. "Are… you alright?"

A-ah…

I open my mouth, and then I fall forward.

Thud.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

…

Oof.

...Opening my eyes, I see shelves around me.

"And now he's awake." Koakuma stated bluntly. "...Patchouli-sama, I am going to rape you."

"Okay." Patchouli didn't bother to look up from her book.

…

What even happened to me?

"Here." Patchouli floated over a plate of waffles to me. "Eat."

Ooo~! "Yo~!"

"I thought you said he'd eat my pancakes!" Koakuma whined further.

"They reek of chemicals." Patchouli glanced at her. "You'd more likely kill him than seduce him, if I were to be honest."

Koakuma slouched.

I eat the buttermilk waffles with my hands. They're plain, without butter or syrup, but that's fine, too.

...

They taste _heavenly_. "Mmh…" I swallow! "What did I do ta deserve this, yo?"

"You were starving to death." Patchouli informs me. "Likely because you haven't eaten in days."

...Oh, shit. That was a thing I still needed to _do!?_

...She eyes my baffled expression without comment.

Guess that's why they taste so good, then…

...I scarf down the other half of my waffles.

"Would you have sex with Patchouli-sama if I could help you do it?" Koakuma smiled at me.

"He'd die." Patchouli monotoned.

...You mean before sexing even happened, during sexing, or after sexing? I mean, regardless, no! "No, yo, no."

"You're gay." Koakuma declared. "You _have_ to be."

Woah no. "Please, no, friend."

...With that, she huffed. "Then prove it. Prove you're not gay."

I shake my head. "I don't have to, friend."

...She folds her arms, frustrated.

Patchouli's brow twitched. "...If you're going to mock him, at least use stronger sources."

...Furrowing her brows, Koakuma walked away. "U~gh. You guys _suck._ "

…

Oh, yeah. Turnin' to Patchy, I grin. "I forgot to tell you, yo. The oranges are in the kazoo."

"I think I'm done here. Go find some water, if you don't wish to dehydrate and die." With that, Patchouli floated away.

But what if I _wish_ to, yo? What do I do, then?

"You're okay!" Sanae cheered, looking at me from a table with Kasen, nearby.

I get up offa the table I was perched upon. "I~... am not okay!"

Sanae's expression dropped instantly. "Wh-what…? What's wrong?"

...I furrow my brows. "I am slightly parched, and this room is chilly."

...Sanae stares at me dryly. "Oh. That's…" She trails off, unable to find a neutral way to express her disdain.

Hyonk, hyonk, hyonk!

"Unfortunate." Kasen finishes for her, rising from the table. "I believe we should assist Marisa."

...Unsure, Sanae tilts her head. "U~hm… She's probably miles away, by now."

Boom! Some part of the mansion got thrashed, yo.

Kasen begins moving. "Hurry."

"Al-alright!" Hesitant for only a moment, Sanae shoots after Kasen, who transitions from a brisk power walk into a full-blown aerial torpedo. "Wa-wait! Freaking _wa~it!_ "

…

Hovering down from above, Ha-chan positions herself next to me. "Hello!"

"We're goin' to the kitchens, yo." I begin heading for the exit, myself.

"Ooo~!" She eagerly prances behind me. "Food tastes good!"

Yeah, yo. Wait… no, actually. Food tastes good, but not all good tastes food!

...Wait, no! I mean, not all food-

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Freakin' scene transitions…! Got it in for me today, I tell ya.

The kitchen's a nice place, today. Stoves bein' stovey, sinks bein' sinky, and-

"He- _hee~lp!_ "

What the _fuck._

The dishwasher slammed open, a loud clang filling the kitchen. "A-ah… _Aaa~h!_ " A blonde fairy maid fell out of it, shiny and soaked, flailing her arms as she tried to escape along the tiled floor.

…

Guess the dishwashers ain't bein dishwashery…!

Wait, wait, wait- what's a _dishwasher_ doing here? Those stoves, they're blatantly freakin' old iron or _maybe_ steel, but this dishwasher looks like it was from my house.

Gettin' close to it- but not too close- I try to look for words, but there's just Japanese text on it. Freakin' Sunrise Land.

Bam!

The back door of the kitchen flew in, blown right off of its hinges, a large crack running down the middle.

Uu~h…!?

...Remilia walks in, her clothes ruffled and her skin sweaty.

Oh.

She moves towards the fridge, and seems to almost brutalize it, but restrains herself to open it properly. From there, she picks out a bottle of blood wine from the fridge. Eying it carefully, she greedily pulls the cork, and starts chugging.

Guess she needs a little of the ol' 'liquid courage', yo.

Boom! It's exploding somewhere else.

"Ha~h…" She ceased chuggin', wiping sweat from her forehead. Turning to me, she gave me a blank stare.

I wave. "Hi."

"Hello~!" Ha-chan leans out from behind me.

...Remilia blinks. "...Y-you saw nothing."

With that, she calmly slipped the wine back into the fridge, closed it, and-

Fwoom! Her blur traveled out of the room, dust kicking up in her wake. I assume she's doin' somethin' about Flandre, too.

Ha-chan smiled. "What was that she was drinking?"

"Rat poison." Ha-chan, you do not need blood booze.

...She tilted her head. "...I don't think so, Brad-kun. Isn't rat poison purple, and not red?"

How would you _know!?_

"Well, I~'m checking!" Moving to the fridge, she grabs the handle, and pulls in the wrong direction. "Hnh…!" She pulls it in the right direction. The fridge swings open, and she maneuvers around it to clutch the large wine bottle. "Oo~h!"

Conflicted feelings! "Friend, no. It's alcomaholic."

She tilts her head. "What?"

"It's beer." I summarize, hoping she knows what beer is.

...She blinks. "Oh."

…

Shrugging, she pops it open. "Oh well! That's fine, too!"

Sakuya appears! "That is for the mistress." With that, she takes the bottle, and the cork, before vanishing.

...Ha-chan pouts. "But it was just beer…"

Honh.

"I really wanted to get you drunk, too~..." She whined.

Al~right, we're done here!

Moving up to the fridge, I grab one of the pitchers of water. Where the frik are the cups…

Putting the pitcher down on the counter, I begin looking for the cups. Crouching down, I open cabinets that are full of jars and bowls.

"...Whatcha lookin' for?" Ha-chan moves next to me.

"Cups, yo." Help.

"Oh, I know where!" Smiling widely, she slides a drawer out from one of the counters.

I stand, and look inside. Why would they be in a shelf?

Inside are spoons, forks, and knives.

She pulls out a spoon. "Here!"

Ha-chan, please. "That's a spoon, Ha-chan."

"I know!" She goes to the pitcher of water, and dips the spoon inside. Taking it out, she brings it near my face. "Say 'aa~h'!"

I don't think this is how it's supposed to work, but okay!

"Aa~h…"

Like this, I let Ha-chan spoon feed me _water_.

Lifting the spoon from my mouth, she dips it back in the pitcher. "Does it taste good?"

It's _water_. Also, my mission in finding a cup was so that I _didn't_ infect the pitcher with my saliva, but y'know…

"Aa~h!" Ha-chan smirks.

"Aa~h…"

Getting spoonfed is a weird feeling.

Again, the tiny spoon of water is 'fed' to me.

"Hehehe~..." Ha-chan giggles. "I think you like it!"

It's freakin' _water!_ The spoon leaves my mouth. "How could I not like it, yo. It's water."

"Doesn't it _feel_ good?" She shifts closer to me, her gaze scanning my figure.

...This is some uncharted territory!

Fortunately, a friend enters. That one scarlet-haired maid who I forgot the name of enters, moving for the fridge herself. She pauses upon seeing us, before grinning. "What, you two on a date? Ho~w sweet."

Ha-chan smiles. "Yeah!"

When did this happen.

"How is he?" She steps up to us, a hand on her hip.

Ha-chan furrows her brows, and wraps an arm around me. "No, Miyako. He's mine."

"Not if I kill you." Miyako steps back, and accrues a sand-red plant hanger from the shadows. "I bet he'd let _any_ fairy fuck him. Humans are creeps like that."

Ha-chan gasped. "Brad-kun wouldn't do anything like that!" She turns to me. "Right, Brad-kun?"

Bi~g decision! Gotta think fast! "...No-not without your permission?"

She smiles. "See?"

Miyako rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Get out of the way, I need a drink."

She reached into the fridge, and took the wine bottle out. "He~re we go…"

Sakuya exists again! "Those are reserved for-"

Miyako drops the wine bottle into a dark shadow on the floor, and it falls in. "Whoo~ps. Guess you'll have to catch me, maid."

In that instance, Miyako is tied up. She slowly falls to the floor, into her own shadow, which consumes her.

"Hehehe~! Tell mistress that you're a gullible oaf, chief! Hahaha~!"

Sakuya tenses up, grimacing. "... _Really._ "

...She looks over to us.

I smile. "I'm being spoon fed water, dude."

...She sighs. "I see." Poof. She's gone.

…

Ha-chan's grip around my shoulders tighten. "You'll be with me forever, right, Brad-kun?"

Daa~h… "I die eventually, y'know."

…

"Ri-...right…" She seems shaken by that statement. "Un-until then, right?"

Ha-chan, asking me to be decisive makes me uncomfortable. "...I'll, uh, be with ya. Yeah."

"Ya~y!" With that, she jumps in place. "Let's go have fun!"

You know, I'm supposed to be the one doing the generic wooing, not the other way around…!

I've got nothing better on my mind to do! Taking the pitcher, I finish off as much as I comfortably can, and move to the door to follow behind her.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Ha-chan and I walk down the eerily empty hall…

"Where is everyone…?" Ha-chan looks concerned, looking up and down the length of the hallway. "Did I make them all mad?"

I nod. "Yes. You offended everyone."

...Pouting, she furrows her brows. "Well, that's stupid!"

Boom! The hallway behind us shakes.

I turn, and note Flandre roaring by. The candles go out in her wake, her wings' immense light momentarily causing me to freeze up.

"Leave me _alo~ne!_ " Flandre's voice booms across the whole hallway.

Ha-chan clings to me, eyes wide in fear.

Vrrr~! Marisa tries to propel herself after her, but seems to have misjudged her angle. The spark-esque laser sends her on a collision course with the wall…

Bam! " _Fuck!_ "

Bouncing off the wall, her laser goes out, and she rebounds into and off of the ceiling. Then, spinning to a halt on the floor before me, she was left sprawled out on her stomach.

"Sa-Sanae…" She moaned. "Wh-where the hell…"

...I stare down at her. "Hi, friend."

Marisa grimaces up at me. "Ma-mana, health… any of 'em, do ya…?"

I shake my head. "Nope."

"Fucker…" She lets her face meet the carpet. "Oo~ww…"

...Ha-chan pouts. "I think she's hurt…"

Crouching, I pick up Marisa- woa~h, nevermind. Fairies made me forget how heavy humans are. "Yo~..." ...I try again, after a moment.

"Wh-what are you doing…!?" She protests against my manhandling! "Lemme go…"

Alright, yo, alright. I cease attempting to lift her.

…

She attempts to stand, only to spread on her stomach again. "A-ah… re-really…?"

…

"C'mon…" She tries again, and manages to get onto her arms… before splaying out again. "N-no…!"

…

"Help me out, Ha-chan." I go to lift Marisa by the legs. "You lift her face and stuff."

"Can do!" With that Ha-chan moves to try and lift her. Considering Ha-chan can lift persons and I can't, is she stronger than me…? Actually, I coulda used Tundra Bloomer to just lift her after a strength buff. This is better, though!

Slowly, we lift Marisa together, Ha-chan letting her face rest in, uh, her chest.

"Mmmph." Marisa's muffled voice comes from Ha-chan's bust.

"Hehehe~!" Ha-chan giggles. "It tickles!"

Yeah, this is why I picked the legs. That, and legs are easier to lift, I find, even though they're heavier-ish.

"Alright, yo!" I begin moving! "Hup, hup, hup!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We've just been moving in circles, 'cause I have no idea where the hell to take her. My first guess was the library, but the halls are not cooperating. I dunno if we've even actually been going in circles!

Marisa's stopped responding after the first ten minutes. I think she's asleep.

Ha-chan warily looks at me, again. "Ho-how much longer… do we have to keep going? Her breath keeps tickling me~..."

"Forever." I nod slowly. "Sorry, friend."

Ha-chan's face becomes sad. "Oh, no…"

Solemn, we continue to carry Marisa through the halls…

…

Y'know, "Are there any healing elemental fairies in this mansion?"

"I dunno." Ha-chan confesses. "I never really pay attention to everyone's elements…"

Well.

…

We're lost, dude! "Aaaaa~h, aaaa~h!" It is time to scream!

Ha-chan starts screaming, too! "Aaaa~h, aaaa~h!"

Marisa snaps awake. "Wh-what…!? What's-"

"Aaaa~h!" I scream over her!

"Aaaa~h!" Ha-chan helps, too!

"Wh-what!?" Marisa is confused!

Aaaa~h!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: REIMU HAKUREI'S PERSPECTIVE ====

…

I can't stay in bed all day.

…

Maybe… a bit longer, though…

…

N-no. I _need_ to move. Kasen didn't even bother to heal me, for whatever reason. If she thinks it's better to recover naturally… she's probably not wrong, but…

I have responsibilities. I can't spend two days doing nothing at all, not now.

…

"Ngh…" My head spins as I sit up, and step out of- _cold_. Outside my futon, the cold air assaults my skin. I shiver violently, the cold running up my limbs, and the covered parts of my body…

"Brrr~..." I-I… yeah. Not fun. Why can't this cool off my head, and not the rest of me…?

First thing's first: a trip to Eientei. I know they're not doing hot over there, either, but they'll take me. If they don't, I'll just beat them up. I'm sure they'd love for me to solve this incident, too, so there shouldn't be any problems.

...I steal the blankets of my own futon, and wrap them around myself. This should keep me safe, until I reach Eientei…

I open my bedroom door.

Yukari's there. "Hello~, Reimu!"

Please, not now… "What do you want?"

She jerks her head back. "Why, you're sick, Reimu dearest! Can I not simply check up on your well being?"

That format of greeting's been used so much that I'm getting sick of it. More than usual, anyway. "Go away." Not like she'll stop.

Pouting, she continues. "You've _shattered_ me, Reimu! Oo~h…!" Bringing an arm across her forehead, she leans back into her gap, and it closes. A tiny puff of purple smoke accents her departure.

…That kind of thing would be funny. Except this is about the tenth time I can recall that she's done this.

It opens again. "I do not wish for you to jeopardize yourself, Reimu. It would be _terrible_ if you collapsed out in the cold, and were gobbled up by some big, mean youkai."

Please. "I'm not a stupid outsider. I- Achoo~!" Darn it! "...I can take care of myself." Ugh…

"I see." Yukari sighs. "...I sincerely do not wish to hold your hand, but your absence would be most inconvenient, during this time. You are not wrong in believing this illness to be in the way of things."

Whatever. "Just go away."

Yukari snorts. "Very well, Reimu. I must talk with you after this whole incident is said and done, however. Certain 'stupid outsiders' require your attention."

As if you needed to warn me. I _am_ intrigued about that outsider thing...

She receded into her gap, vanishing. Guess I won't find out for awhile, then. They probably just did something to piss her off, all things considered. Both of them seem to be magnets for trouble.

...Breaking from my standing posture, I feel the world spin as I make my way across the shrine grounds, and towards the front door…

I open it. The wind is even colder…

This sucks.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The sounds of construction fill my ears as I desperately spiral towards the clinic's front door. The flight was windier and colder than I thought it would be…

My progress is impeded by the automatic glass door, which seems to not be automatic at the moment. I shove myself against the door, pushing it inward. These doors were rather unique in that you could simply push them open. They could still lock, however, but I have no idea how.

Inside, a cream-haired rabbit girl's eyes widen as I run up to the desk.

Why is this place so cold, too!? My limbs are so cold, and my skin… I can hardly touch myself without hissing at the sharp, frosty sensation that makes my hands recoil. It was as if a knife was run across them...

Looking around the room, I realize the ceiling is open. Not only that, but the surrounding walling is all gone. The only things that remain are this desk, the front door, and some of the walling behind the desk.

Okay, I know the fluffles attacked, but I didn't think Eientei outright _lost_.

"A-ah…" That rabbit girl gapes at me.

Although, it's still staffed? I don't even know what happened, then...

"I ne-need treatment." I request. "Please. A-... Call Eirin."

"Ye-yes!" She quickly reaches for a phone. "Hawa-ha-h-..." She freezes up.

…

"Hello?" I glare at her.

She falls backwards.

Thud.

...

Stupid discount clerks. Kaguya's a scrooge. That, or everyone better at the moment… is...

...

Guess I'll have to wander the halls myself.

Turning to the rightmost, vaguely smashed hall, I step past the mirror shards that riddle the intact sections of flooring, heading further into the clinic…

Rabbits are sweeping things, both the earth and lunar variants participating. Rather slow, for a cleanup, though… I mean, they're really demotivated looking. The lunar ones have their faces low, and the earthen ones simply look pissed off and bored.

They stare at me as I pass, taking note of the blanket I'm keeping around my form. It's kind of awkward, but none of them would dare to pick a fight with me, right now. I'm kind of glad.

After wandering into the halls proper, making my way past a decked out floor cleaner and grey, silky pieces of cloth, I find myself lost.

Eirin's surprisingly inaccessible, for Gensokyo's best doctor…

Let's see if I can find any lunar rabbits around, that aren't completely emotional black holes.

I knock on a door.

…

Whatever. "Coming in."

Swinging the door open, I find…

Blood. Dead bodies. Rabbit parts.

…

So he wasn't kidding, about the 'sliced up' thing. I close the door.

…

If fluffles did this… I have to get this incident solved faster. This is actually frustrating. I could have stopped this.

I see a blonde rabbit ahead of me. "He-hey…" Ugh… I clear my useless throat. "Hey."

Her attention is grabbed. Turning to me, she furrows her brows. "You. You're not supposed to-..." She notices my bow. "Ha-Hakurei?"

"Take me, to Ei-Eirin." I demand as best as I could. It's so cold…

"What do you want of her?" She glares at me. "This is a very stressful time for her."

Are we really doing this 'holier than thou' stuff…? "Yeah, I-I know. I'm here t' help..." My throat hurts...

...She narrows her eyes. "The last person who was here to help couldn't do anything. How am I supposed to know you'll be any different, human?"

Fine, whatever. I keep wa- "Achoo!" Augh…! I flail my arm in front of me, and sneeze into it on impulse. "Achmmph!"

I-I covered it in snot, my sleeve...

…

The rabbit's intensity falters, and she turns away. "Fo-follow me…"

Huh. "Th-thank you."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We walk into a bathroom. I'm instantly suspicious, because I have high doubts that Eirin would have any practical reason to use a bathroom.

"Yagokoro-sama?" She calls out into the room. "The Hakurei is here."

We come into the main room of the bathroom, and I see that multiple of the stall dividers they used for it were taken down, scattered along the floor. Eirin was standing over what looked like a dead lunar rabbit, sliding off a dirty pair of gloves. "Oh? So she is…"

...Guess this _would_ be a valid reason for her to visit a bathroom. "Hi." I wave weakly, shivering within my blankets.

"Unless you're here to search for clues, I'm afraid we're not to be of much help, today." Eirin looked me in the eyes. "We'll need at least a week to rebuild and repopulate."

A week to repopulate.

The blonde rabbit gestures to me. "She has a cold, master."

Hey, at least let me tell her…

Eirin jerks her head back. "The Hakurei can get ill?"

I sneeze into the air. "Achoo~!"

…

"Fascinating." Eirin smiles at me. It's creepy. It's not a creepy smile, but a genuine one. Which makes it creepy. A genuinely creepy smile.

"If you experiment on me," I make it very clear right now-

"Yes, yes. I'm to adhere to these 'standard ethical policies of doctors'." Eirin used her hands to make air quotes. "Were I to genuinely harm you, the war such an action would cause would likely soil my research for decades to come. Fear not."

It's good that my well-being is only being maintained because it'd be inconvenient to you otherwise. "Good…"

"Come along, Hakurei." Eirin begins to leave the room. "I'll have to perform a simple checkup before I diagnose you."

"Fine." Would it have killed you to left the heating on during reparations…?

We move out of the bathroom, and into the hall again. Smashed vases, soggy carpets, waterlogged portraits… This place is a war zone.

"A case of the sniffles, hmm?" Eirin makes idle chatter.

"I-I guess…" I really don't feel like talking more than I need to...

There's something in the rug, here. I lean over it, only to see… oh. They're grounded up vase pieces, embedded in the carpet. Somehow.

I'm curious. "Just how many fluffles attacked? This hallway is a disaster."

"They never reached here." Eirin informed me.

What?

"This hallway was a result of an outsider's handiwork." She provides. "...I'm not entirely certain if it did what I asked of him, but I have a few rabbits who aren't afflicted with crippling depression, so he may have."

I think I know who. He's about as destructive as the fluffles, at this rate. I still want to know what happened to that vase.

Eirin eventually leads me to a clean checkup room.

"Achoo~!" Eugh…

"Take a seat right over there." She gestures to one of those plastic bed things.

"Alright…"

Sitting at it, I shiver. "Ca-can't you turn on the heat…?" I swear this place had heating…

"The communications grid was destroyed, and I haven't the time." Eirin gave her reasoning. "You'll have to bear with me."

Trust me, that's what I've been doing…

...Ugh. Wiping snot off on my hand is so gross…

After a moment, Eirin comes over to me with a thermometer. "Place this under your tongue."

Alright…

…

After a moment has passed, she checks it. "...Immense fever. All things considered, you likely have a common virus."

As expected. "Mmm…"

"Please wait here, I'll have to go get your medicine personally. Communications grid." Eirin waves.

With that, she leaves the room, the other rabbit following behind her reluctantly. I curl up in a ball on the plastic bed, scrunching the paper laid out on it.

Ca-can't it be summer, again…? Please…? I hate this...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

"Aaaa~h, aaaa~h!" Yeah, this is still happening!

Sakuya swings the bathroom door open.

I quit exerting my hips upon the bottom of the empty bathtub I sat in. Ha-chan was doing the same against her end of the tub. Marisa was sitting unconscious on the toilet nearby. Don't ask how she got knocked out again; it involved Flandre and a pair of mittens filled with fluff 'n' stuffs.

It is for that reason that Ha-chan and I have united against Flandre!

...By doing this!

Ha-chan and I both pause to look at Sakuya.

…

"Aaaa~h, aaaa~h!" I yell, as I resume the tub thumping!

"Aaaa~h!" Ha-chan agrees!

Ha-chan and I use our hips to scoot the tub back and forth from inside! We have to do it in unison, or it doesn't go anywhere!

It is the art of tubthumping, yo.

A muffled thumping noise was created, as the tub scooted back and forth in the bathroom. It scraped against the tiled floor, damaging it, as well as damaging the nearby walling.

Sakuya has no words. "...Well. Okay." Well, maybe a few.

The bathroom door closes.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: REIMU HAKUREI'S PERSPECTIVE ====

"Here you are." Eirin sat a small cup of liquid on the fold out table next to the cold, plastic bed. "Free of charge. Finest cold medicine."

That could mean any number of things.

…

"...I assure you it is for colds only." Eirin sighed. "It would do you well to be less skeptical."

 _Right_. "I-it… would do you well t-to be less-"

"A jeer, Hakurei. In jest." Eirin confirms that her sense of humor is stupid. To me, anyway. I'm not sure if she said that just to cover herself, or if there was some layer of wit to that. It doesn't matter.

"Drink." Eirin monotoned. "We'll get nowhere belittling each other."

I take the cup. Inside was a sickly, blue and green sort of liquid.

Without thinking, I sit up, and down it. The taste is parts bitter, artificial and acidic. My throat feels the slick, viscous medicine prick down it, making me want to gag.

It's a good sign. The kinds she offers that taste well are usually the only things about them that taste well. I wish she put more effort into making them all not-so-bitter, though.

…

I blink.

Eirin smiles. "Better?"

Smarmy doctor. "Ye-yeah. Better."

I stand up, casting the blanket aside, feeling the chill room's air on my skin. It's chill, but comfortably so. Sorta. Kinda.

...I pick the blanket back up. Okay, it's not bad, but it's still a little cold for my tastes.

"I'm glad you trusted me, for this." Eirin began stepping for the door. "Do solve this incident with haste. This damage will take a long time to fully amend, and to put it bluntly, I'm out for dusty flesh."

Well, aren't we all? "Mmm. Thanks."

She leaves the room, her amused smile dropping into a neutral one as she leaves me behind.

...I should head to the mansion, now. They'll likely have stoves going, and free food. Remilia likes to be showy like that. Oh, right, I should also be checking on it… Marisa probably did a good job, but I should double-check. Yeah.

Floating out into the hall, I begin retracing my steps to leave Eientei. The rabbits are even more wary of me, as I float around. I mean, as long as they don't try to shoot me, we'll be fine…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

You know, I never stopped to ask why Flandre was upset in the first place. She's just been kinda-

" _Aaaaa~h!_ " Flandre roared before Ha-chan and me, her wings glow wildly, flickering and flaring.

"Aaaa~h!" Ha-chan's eyes were wide as she screamed hysterically.

"Aaaaa~h!" I~ was not much better!

" _Aaaaa~h!_ " Flandre wasn't necessarily enjoying this conversation, either!

Then, a large, red spear blindsided Flandre, taking her out of vision.

"Calm _down!_ " Remilia roared, flying after her sister.

The wind of the giant scarlet energy spear forced Ha-chan and me to sit down on the side of the hallway. Then, the wind from Remilia pushed us against the wall.

...Ho ho!

"Make wa~y!" Marisa shot by us, oversized star-shaped danmaku expelling from her broom. Like, person sized!

Oh, yeah, Marisa got better off-screen, by the way. Sanae knows heals!

Sanae desperately clung to her with her arms, which wrapped around Marisa's entire torso. "Slow _do~wn!_ "

Their wind lightly ruffles me and my fairy friend.

One of the giant danmaku particles floats into me, slowly…

It makes- contaaa~"Aaaa~ _ughgh!?_ "

 _Ouch_ , _son._

I~ think I'll just sit here…

Ha-chan looks over to me. "...Brad-kun? Are you okay?"

"Nope…!" Danmaku induced stiffness… it exists! "Pain…"

...Kasen walks by, trailing after the speedy friends. She turns to me, and notices my disposition. "Were you hurt?"

"Ye-yes…" Help.

...Wait, is she gonna hug me? Dude!

A hand is pressed to my forehead. "Heal!"

Her hand glows green, and I hear a small chime as my mind numbs and my vision dulls, for only a moment. Comfort fills me, and I suddenly feel like I wanna curl up and be happy.

She lifts her hand, and with that, she power walks off after the magical friends. I reach out to her, but she's freakin' quick.

A~nd the comfort is gone. I feel better, but freakin'...!

I stand up. "Come back, yo! Yo~!"

She's gone. What a freakin' noob, yo…

...Ha-chan stands up, too. "We should find some friends, Brad-kun."

Easier said than done, yo. I think everyone's holed up in their own little rooms…

I turn to her. "Lead the way, yo." I've been leading us aimlessly for awhile and all we managed to do was get Marisa to Kasen. Aside from that, the hallways have been empty as shit.

Smiling widely, she begins stepping ahead. "Follow me, Brad-kun!"

Trailing behind her, I take in the candle lights and things on the fancy shmancy scarlet walls. There are a _couple_ fairies out and about, but no one I recognize, and no one Ha-chan seems to care about.

"Hey, Gravity-chan!" Ha-chan waves at the passing purple-haired fairy.

"H-hh…" The purple fairy freezes, locking up in terror.

...Ha-chan smirks, turning to me and using her hand to whisper, "She's just shy…"

Aww.

...

After taking numerous more turns, I wonder… "Ha-chan, how do you know where we're going?"

"I don't!" She beams. "But I can recognize doors! They got these 'lil things about them…!"

About what I expected, really…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Leaning over, Ha-chan ran her hand across the door's surface. "See? There's like… these lines on the door. Brad-kun, look here."

"I see, yo, I see…" There are tiny scratches on the door, the kind you might see on a well-used fancy table that had been unmaintained and uncared for. I could only see 'em with the right angle of light…

"Touch 'em." Ha-chan brushed them again.

I proceeded to brush my hand over them, feeling the texture of the scratches…

"See?" She smiles. "I memorize 'em! This room is Komi and Maple and-and other fairies'!"

You _memorize_ patterns of scratches on a door. Alright, yo…

She opens the door. Inside, there is indeed Komi and Maple, among other fairies.

The former turns to me, fumbling for her maid's dress. It's not on her, at the moment! She does have undergarments, though. The black kind with a ton of crap that goes with it. I dunno what you call it, black lace straps and stuff!

"Wh-wha…" She glares at me. "Damn it, Hana. Is it good, out there?"

Ha-chan shakes her head. "No. Kaboomies."

"Ah." Shrugging, Komi drops the dress and flops onto the bed. "Get that guy out of here. I'm going to bed."

I dunno what time of day it is, so I dunno if I can judge her for that, or not. The fairies on the adjacent bed are fully dressed and playing rock-paper-scissors.

Maple pouted. "How do you always win, Door-chan?"

 _Door-chan_. That's it, who the fuck is this clown named _Door-chan!?_

I walk up to the other brown-haired fairy maid. It was short and bobby, like that one black-haired fairy maid who fell on her butt earlier. "You. What kinda freakin' name is Door-chan!?"

...She frowns at me. "Well, if you wanna know, buddy, it's Doormanjaheim. I'm a former night fairy, you know."

Nope! " _What_ kinda name is _Doormanjaheim!?_ " Dark fairies are equally curiously named!

Maple- or Mapleweather, rather- turns to me. "Geez, Brad. Your name was Brad, right? What did Door-chan do to you?"

I hold my arms up. "Nothin'! It's just, some of you guys got really _apt_ names…!"

Glaring at me, the brown-haired night fairy seethes. "What are you trying to say?" Door-chan's hand flexes, and- hoh, shit! The table, it's ali~ve!

Running behind Komi's bed, she looks up at me from under her covers. "What the hell… I said-"

Her bed rocks as the table from across the room starts climbing onto it. She turns to face it, eyes widening. "What the _fuck!?_ "

"We're under attack!" I inform her! I take the pillow from under her head, and use it to whack the table. It's about as useless as expected!

Komi starts fighting the table. "Door-chan, you prick!"

Door-chan grimaced. "So-sorry, Komi-chan. That stupid boy insulted my full header."

...Blinking, Komi turned to me. "Wow. Douche."

Your full _what!?_

Ha-chan shook her head at me. "You should be nice, Brad-kun."

What'd I do!? Aaa~h, aaa~h!

I put my arms up. "I dunno what I did, but I'm sorry, yo!"

…

Door-chan folds her arms. "Fine. Let me ask you this, however…" She stomps towards me.

Oh, boy…

She grabs my chin with a gloved hand- nice gloved hands, by the way- and forces me to look her in the eyes. "What is Maple-chan to you?"

...Wat. "Whaddaya mean?"

"Do you lust after her heart?" She narrows her eyes. "Maple-chan would _wither_ at your grasp."

...Wait, is that…? "Yo, no. I am loyal to Ha-chan!" I guess. It makes a good counter-argument, here.

Ha-chan nods. "Yeah!"

Door-chan's eyes widen. "That's even worse! Innocent Ha-chan!?"

Oh. Good.

"We-well, Maple-chan is my woman, there!" Door-chan up and grabs my collar. "An-and… and if you're out to corrupt her, this might be _all_ for you…"

Ahaha… help, Ha-chan. I turn to my fairy friend, and smile sheepishly.

Ha-chan wags her finger. "Now, now, Door-chan. Brad-kun just wants to- ahn!" She gets bowled over by a tiny end table.

Whelp.

...The end table begins hobbling towards me!

"Now- now wait a minute, miss!" I hold my arm up! "I didn't even _kiss_ her! I want no trouble witcha!"

Her eyes flared. "You _kissed_ her!?"

You dense fuck!

The end table and larger table begin hovering in the air, a brown aura surrounding them.

Let go of me, yo…! "He-hey, look, I know I don't know ya, but-"

"Shut up!" She barks at me. "I'll kill you!"

"Let me ask _one_ favor of you!" I stare into her eyes.

…

"Fine." She grimaces, as the tables slowly hover towards us until they're like hugging us.

Slowly, I reach into my sack. She looks down at my hand, noticing me rummaging…

I brandish Escape Plan! "Just gimme three steps, yo! _Three steps_ , towards the door!"

The tables attacked!

I end up getting flung back onto my ass by the aggressive coffee table. Scrambling away, I hobble up to the door of the long bedroom and swing it open, disregarding the smaller angry table. "C'mon, Ha-chan! We gotta book it!"

"Yeah!" She sprints towards the door on the far side of the room, and uses that one instead.

We enter the same hallway. I pick the direction Ha-chan runs in, 'cause she sure as hell didn't bother to check my direction!

"Get back here, _swine!_ " Door-chan politely beckons me to stay, but I'd really rather _not!_

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: REIMU HAKUREI'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Meiling isn't even at the gate, today. _This_ thing still is, though...

"hi friend" The fluffle at the stand greets me. "how are you"

Hmm. "Fine, I guess."

"can we snuggle" It holds up those little fin things it has.

"No." Stupid. All that does is piss me off, because I know these things are a lot more vicious than they make themselves out to be…

"aww" It appears crestfallen.

…

Still, "What's for sale?"

It smiles. "here, friend" It spreads out a myriad of Yin-Yang orb bags…

It's a pretty big issue how it has some of everyone's weapons. I don't know if they can use them, though…

"look" It looked, itself. "and find out"

…

Wait… "Find out what?"

Its smile fades. "...find out"

...Okay.

Each bag is slightly open on the top, allowing me to peer inside and see the colorful orbs. Some are simply Yin-Yang orbs with their colors switched, while others are various kinds of round designs…

I point at the black, sparkly ones. "These, what do they do?"

Its shell nose opened. "Cosmic Pulse Yin-yang Orbs! they sometimes cast Pulsar or Pulse when they collide with a target; they disable the use of Hakurei powers and all Hakurei spell cards are only functional as danmaku; gives the user fifty percent dark resistance"

...Disables Hakurei powers, huh. How about I _don't_ buy that?

Instead, I point at these yellow and blue ones, with the typical Yin-Yang design. "These."

The fluffle continued. "Yin-Yang Orbs From the North! allows the user to cast Thunder and Blizzard and allows the user to imbue the orbs with electricity or ice elemental affinities; they make the user immune to freezing"

That sounds alright… "How much?"

"seventy five thousand yen"

...I might as well buy a sword collection just to chuck at people, for that price. "See ya."

"honh honh honh"

I continue towards the mansion. The gate stands in my way, however. Walking up to it, I begin pushing…

Truth be told, I'm not strong enough to open it. No human really is… but there is a way…

If you pull on it, and sort of… it's weird, but you have to tug to the back and right a bit, at this angle...

Click!

The gate begins opening outward, a faint blue glow enveloping it.

I think Patchouli did that enchantment. I didn't tell Marisa about it, for obvious reasons. She knows how to fly over the wall in her own way, anyway.

From here, I move through the courtyard. That fountain in the center always looked really nice. That, and there was always a sort of grand feeling when I walked up to… the...

The front door is missing.

I'm going to assume Marisa didn't do a very good job of checking the place over.

Continuing into the open lobby, I saw no fairies bustling about as usual. The lobby was kinda scuffed up, some smashed vases, but other parts of it are fine. I'm not sure if fluffles-

"Waaa~l!"

From beyond the upper floor corridor's edges, fluffles slinked out. They held large lances, and had bat wings. Long, grey appendages helped them hold the pink lances while looking menacing.

Well, as menacing as they could look with those little fluffy faces. Their posture reminded me of those things with dark broadswords, during the rainstorm…

They vanish into the air. Wind whirls as they disappear, and that wind slowly flows into me, whirling around my form…

Ah. I know how this'll end.

Accelerating abruptly, I zoom forward, intent on speeding through the hall to my right-

Thwash! Thwash!

The two lancers strike the floor behind me, their spears embedded in the floor.

"Gotcha!" Turning around, I maximize my stock Yin-Yang orbs, and send them hurtling at the fluffles.

They look up at the orbs. It's kind of too bad that their faces don't emote at all.

"Waaa~l!"

Bam! Bam!

They go flying through the air, doing cartwheels as if they were towels hit by particularly strong winds. The manner in which they did so was completely contradictory to the way the orbs hit them.

What _are_ these things?

Then, one of them flickered out.

Where…!? I have to guard…!

I made the mistake of guarding forward. The fluffle reappears behind me, and swings wide. "Guh…" I'm sent flying forward. The other lancer recovers on a dime, and moves to impale me, but I float to the side abruptly.

As it passes, I use my gohei to get a cheap strike in.

Thwack!

The fluffle is knocked from its grey appendages, and flops to the floor. Before it escapes, I come down on it and crush it under my sandals.

It vaporizes into dust.

My sense of danger arises, and I begin running forward. That other lancer is probably-

"Augh!?" It hits me with a wide swing, again. Ugh… It's a good thing these things aren't meant for cutting...

Brandishing my ofuda, I turn around and toss them. The fluffle makes no attempt to avert them.

Slap! Slap! Slap!

The fluffle is knocked from the grey appendages by my ofuda, but they don't activate. _Apparently_ they're not relevant to light _or_ dark, then. How… bizarre.

"Waaa~l!" It gets up, and scurries away before I can even think about stomping it. Darn…

...So, yeah. Fluffles, I guess.

Boom!

The mansion shakes. That can't be good.

Patchouli's place should be down the left hall, since I'm in the foyer. She'd never abandon that place for anything.

Wa-wait… my side…

It's bleeding. Those lances were sharper than I thought, then… I mean, it's not excessive bleeding. That's going to suck, though. Plus, my outfit's cut, now…

U~gh. This incident is so stupid.

Walking down the hallway-

"Evil table people!" A cyan-haired fairy maid dashes down the hallway. Brad is behind her, running inefficiently with a mint green plant hanger in hand. Behind him, two angry tables bounced along, a coffee table and an end table.

"Reimu, help!" He calls out for me as he passes, giving the gash on my side a glance. "The tables have _turned!_ "

Of course they have.

The tables stop pursuing him, and home in on me indiscriminately.

I summon a barrier, so I can think about what I want to do with them. "Cautionary Barrier!"

Ti-ting!

The aggressive tables bounce off of the flat, square barrier before me.

Next, I summon my orbs. "Tables, meet orbs."

My orbs go to greet them.

Crack! Crack!

The table parts clattered on the carpet floor, the orbs passing through their, uhm, beings. Because tables have those now.

...Brad cheers. "Duhuhu~de! You freakin' smooshed'em!"

That cyan fairy comes up to beam at me. "Reimu~! You did it! You stopped the table people!"

I'm pretty sure there are more problems going on here than table people. Why did Marisa bring Brad here, anyway…? Those lancers would have killed him pretty easily.

He looks down at the gash on my side, again. "...The frik happened ta you?"

Boom!

The mansion's being blown up from the inside-out, apparently, too.

"Something like that." Essentially.

He snorts, slowly grinning.

A brown-haired fairy with this bob haircut floats up, leering down at us. "Stand aside, Hakurei miko! I have a score to settle with those two, for they've insulted my header!"

Why's a night fairy here? I guess Remilia's been hiring those, now.

"Can we not do this?" Please? "Your mansion's under attack, and everything…"

The fairy's eyes widen. "Yo-you _dare_ …!?"

Yeah, about what I expected.

"Perish!" She throws her arms forward.

The portraits on the wall of Remilia come to life, and hover towards me menacingly.

Time to show off and watch Brad freak out…

As they close in on me, I focus on the space behind the fairy. Manipulating borders and stuff isn't really my thing, but moving myself is always fun. Stepping backwards, I close my eyes, and feel Gensokyo's barrier churn for me. You know that feeling, when you stand on a large, spinning disc's edge, and get repositioned? I mean, probably not, but it's kind of like that. When I do this, I disappear and reappear almost instantly, because I'm simply reassigning my position within Gensokyo's barrier within a short distance. I use the barrier as a concrete position, and then I use it to grab the correct ambient mana to switch with.

When I open my eyes, I'm behind the fairy.

"...What?" The fairy blandly asks, looking around.

Casually, I raise my gohei…

Thwack!

"Ouch!" She grabs her head. "When did-"

Thwack!

"Hngh…" She has tears in her eyes now. "I-I'm sorry! Stop!"

Alright. I lower my gohei.

The paintings fall to the floor.

As I expected, Brad is hyped. "Yo~. Freakin' used _warp_ on her, dude…!"

"That was _cool!_ " So is that fairy.

Something felt weird, when I did my teleport…

Brad grinned widely. "Ya gotta teach me to teleport for Christmas, yo. The things I could do…!"

For what, now? Anyway, when I teleported…

"Me too!" That fairy got close to my face, smiling. "Teach me, Reimu!"

"No." I think I know what I felt when I changed my position. Can I… change it? Let's see… if I-

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

That was freakin' weird, yo… Reimu just suddenly looked at me, and then I felt weird. No, she didn't gimme a boner, it was just, like, weird…

She notices my discomfort. "...Did something change for you?"

Daa~h… "I felt weird for a moment, yeah!"

...She focused on me again, and-

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: REIMU'S PERSPECTIVE ====

There it is again. Brad blinked rapidly, holding his head. "What the frik…"

Nothing appears to change. For all I know, I'm screwing with a boundary I shouldn't even have jurisdiction over… or it's some useless function Yukari left in the barrier. Whatever.

"Get outta the wa~y!"

Ah…!?

Brad, that fairy, and I all got out of the way as Marisa rocketed by, Sanae holding onto her for dear life.

Pi~chun! That table fairy didn't even have time to react.

" _Reimu~!_ " She cried out for me, her voice fading out as she soared down the hallway.

" _Rraa~gh!_ " Flandre's immense, glowing presence ripped past me, my attire flailing in the wind she left behind hit me. So bright...

...Guess that's what Marisa's been doing, then.

"Heal!"

Ah- hey!

Kasen surprises me, pressing an arm to my side. I- ah…

…

She runs off before I can even interrogate her properly. By the time the drowsiness from her healing spell wore off, she was too far gone. I wasn't going to be catching up with Marisa, either…

Brad smirks at me. "Feels good, doesn't it?"

"...Yeah." I have to agree. Healing spells always feel nice. I'd like to know why healers don't just cast them on themselves, all day. It might be the mana consumption.

"Ha-chan here has been leadin' me around, tryin'a find friends." He points at the fairy.

She smiles at me. "We found some! Then we got attacked by tables!"

Turning to him, I give him a dry stare. "...You can't even make friends with furniture?"

He shakes his head. "Nope. Even the furniture is pissed, yo. Accidentally'd their chair brethren, and they just had enough, yo. They up _rose!_ "

...I think Flandre being upset is probably the bigger issue here, now. Before Brad or his fairy- Ha-chan, whoever- goes on a tirade, I interject, "We should visit Flandre's room. Since she's upset, there might be something there to calm her down."

...Nodding, he agrees with a smile. "Sounds good. Find her a stuffed fluffle to snuggle, or something…"

Are they not already stuffed?

"Why~?" Ha-whoever whines. "I wanted to find more friends…!"

"We gotta stop Flandre from _blowin' up_ our friends!" Brad threw his arms into the air, getting excited. "...We gotta stop her from makin' our friends not be _things_ that _exist!_ "

With a face of pseudo-seriousness, the cyan-haired fairy nods. "Mmm! I get you, Brad-kun! Should we try the bath tub plan again?"

The what plan.

...I turn to him. He's making a very enthused expression. "I don't know! That didn't go so well last time, yo…! Like, just a little!"

She pouted. "...O~kay…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 45

PERSPECTIVE HOLDER: Reimu Hakurei, the Shrine Maiden of Paradise

PRIMARY WEAPON: Hakurei Yin-yang Orbs - Reimu's traditional yin-yang orbs which accent her holy abilities by boosting the power of holy attacks. Has a black-white color scheme. Known throughout Gensokyo as pain incarnate.

INVENTORY:

Bloodbath Yin-yang Orbs - Boosts attack power, and allows collection of blood to increase attack power up to 70% temporarily, affecting speed, power, and bullet density of danmaku. Non-elemental in nature, but has the uncanny effect of inflicting bleeding with ease, as if it had insane friction for some reason. Sports a red-purple color scheme.

Elementalist Yin-yang Orbs - Inflicts random minor status effects on targets. Magically formed orbs shatter on impact with a target, dealing pure elemental magical damage of either thunder, fire, or frost. Can inflict drowsiness, insomnia, weak poison, colds, sleep in combination with zapping, freezing, or ignition. No physical damage.

Headless Horseman's Many Heads - Summonable jack-o-lanterns that explode into flames upon collision with opponents. Extremely low physical damage.

PARTY:

Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY: Youkai Inconveniencer - Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

Holy Talismans - Provides a holy upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

Electric Talismans - Provides an electric upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out…

A Wiffle Duster - For shoving up people's rectums.

Hana, the Generic Fairy Maid with a Stalking Fixation - A cyan-haired fairy maid from the Scarlet Devil Mansion with a record for stalking. Can shoot cyan-orbs, and is actually vaguely electric elemental. Healed by electricity, takes extra damage from Earth-based attacks.

PRIMARY WEAPON: A little cyan orb that floats! - Minor electrical damage! Is danmaku.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

reimu hakurei

anyway yeah welcome to the POST-ANNIVERSARY BATCH where i am once again not inflicted with crippling self-doubt any longer

this will last for all of about two or three days and then i will once again be under the curse of crippling self-doubt

but it's a GOOD KIND OF CRIPPLING, the kind that makes you look back and change whatcha've done if you screwed up, or to just go back and revise stuff sometimes and make sure it's spic'n'span

it might also be the type that makes you overthink but with that amount of time i also spend not writing i don't think i have to worry about that

i usually never think about characterization, in the stressful sense, anyway; that's one of the parts i take the most joy in

i've been trying to make my prose a tad meatier as of late; prior, in a 6.5 inch google docs document i'd be barely scrapin' two lines w' most 'a my dialogue and interactions; i'm tryina avert that with a tad more description and a tad more descriptive prose as opposed to just talkin' and reactions (although if you're here you're probably moreso here for the latter- i am too, typically)

college also makes this take awhile but y'know if all goes well then i'll be able to better spend my days writing shitty fanfiction and at the end of the day that's all i really want

that and a good VR headset, that stuff's really pickin' up, ah? imagine a like, touhou VR RPG with sim date stuff and freakin', yo… or at least a 3D touhou RPG, that'd be fun too

MMORPG would be fun but probably too much, and would probably go the grindy way of all MMOs

reimu: where the FUCK ARE ALL THESE OUTSIDERS COMING FROM

anyway yeah

also yes that "three steps towards the door" line was a reference to _Gimme Three Steps_ by Lynyrd Skynyrd. wat a freakin' name… linerd skinnerd l :3

as always, see you all next time!


	56. FLUFF WARS V - Reimu Dropped Her Tendies

(in which we get smacked aside by floating decorations)

(it is still REIMU'S PERSPECTIVE, for this moment…!)

Brad and that fairy follow me down the corridors. It's not long before I locate the hatch to the cellar where they hold Flandre and her things…

Surprisingly, it's not blown up. Kneeling down, I move my hand to swing it open…

Wait.

I rattle the door.

It's _locked_. "... _Why_ is it locked?"

Brad snorts. "Locked? How, yo, how."

"That's what _I_ want to know…" Seriously.

Moving up beside me, Brad reaches into that bag of madness he carries around. "Step aside, yo. I'm gonna wreck it!"

...I mean, I could too, but I think I'll just let him help. He probably won't get it open anyway.

He begins unfurling that hammer… hanger… thing. I don't know what to call it. There's a flower at the bottom now, though it looks a little less than natural.

"Alright, yo…!" His body language changes, and he moves as if he's stronger. Taking the hanger like a ram, he runs at the angled cellar door.

Bam!

The metal bends, a dent forming, but he doesn't break the door.

"Holy frik…" He chuckles. "Cheap iron's the _worst_ iron, yo…"

Unfortunately, we're not left alone for long.

I spot fluffles inside of large, decorated red pots floating at us. The pots are embroidered with yellow flame designs.

Turning to Brad and that-one-fairy, I speak. "We have company."

Brad looks up at them, and his eyes widen. He begins slowly backing away behind- okay…

"What's your name?" I ask her. I refuse to call her Ha-chan.

"Hana!" She smiles widely.

Hana, then.

Brad backs behind Hana, incredulously staring at the floating pot things. "Hey, uh, Reimu… I think we should _go..._!"

What? "They can't be worse than anything I've already faced." Those lancers from earlier were far worse. A good whack should break those pot things.

The two fluffles seemed to build magic, floating towards me increasingly fast as they began glowing.

I begin floating up and away-

"Reimu! Float up!" Brad shouted, as he ran back cautiously.

-...to avoid whatever they intended to do.

The tops of the pots clamp down on them-

Fwoom! Fwoom!

Surges of flames surge outward in a wide radius. The wall nearby is burnt, the wave of flames cutting through the wall like a blade. Then, the incision begins burning…

Brad quickly fumbles for his Hydro-whatever he called it. The water hanger. "Yo~, no! Not lettin' _that shit_ happen again!"

He turns a valve clumsily with the hand holding part of the hammer's shaft, and a torrent of water shoots out. He aims at the building flames on the wall, and begins dousing it…

The two fluffles get their heads clamped down again by the pot tops. Their forms flare for a moment, some sort of fire magic being cast, but I don't know what, yet…

Brandishing my ofuda, I'm aiming for them to not be able to cast anything at all.

It was already too late, though. Behind me, small orbs of fire began forming close to me, and popping into blasts of heat immediately after.

Flying faster, I soar past the pot-riding fluffles in order to avoid the rapidly generating orbs. In response, they begin forming closer, and faster.

Fwoom. One of them explodes on my leg, and I close my eyes for a moment. "Hh…" I hiss, but I'll have to trust that I'm not burning, for now. These things don't use danmaku, it seems…

The line of exploding orbs still trails my heels as I turn, hoping no more get a cheap shot on me. As I turn, I note the quick form of one of the potted fluffles, coming in for a quick bash attack. Veering to the side, I whack the broad flank of the pot-

Clack! The loud strike emanates across the hallway.

I rebound off the wall, using the impact to steady myself again, even if it hurt.

The other pot floats towards me. It flashes amber again, casting another fire spell that doesn't have immediate effects.

"I got you!" Hana runs up beneath the three of us, hands at her sides. "I-I'm really scared, but I've been practicing!"

She's going to die. Fairies never were that great at detecting danger.

Fwoom. A huge, person-sized red orb generates a good ten feet away from me.

"Here!" She held up her hand. A small stream of cyan electricity shot towards the ceiling.

Moments later, it zapped the crimson pot fluffle before me, doing seemingly nothing.

"...Daww…" She pouted.

Fwoom. Another huge, red orb appeared. They had prism-esque designs amidst them-

"Guh!?" I got bashed in the back by that one other pot thing. It's _really_ eager to melee me, for some reason…

Turning around, I smack it-

Thwack!

The fluffle is knocked from the pot. Devoid of a rider, the pot falls to the floor.

 _Cra~ck!_

It explodes into flames on impact. Brad, who was finishing up with the wall, jumped back. "Oh, shit! Freakin', Super Mario Sunshine up in here!"

After his nonsensical statement, he pointed the water hanger's jet at the new inferno on the floor…

Fwoom. A third fire orb formed around me. These three, bright orbs slowly rotated, hanging in the air in a menacing circle around me…

This is bad. I'm too high up.

The hair on the back of my neck stands up as I plummet downwards. Even so, the orbs keep a consistent ring around me.

The pot swings its broad base at me, trying to melee me as well, but it simply misses entirely as I descend.

I can't believe those orbs didn't attack immediately. My adrenaline pumps as I fly back up, attempting to avoid them.

They cease to follow me midway up the hallway, and gravitate towards my previous, lower altitude…

BOOM

Ow. My _ears_.

Hana opens her mouth to scream, but I can't really hear it.

Brad drops his hammer hanger, jaw dropping and eyes wide. Then, he scrambles to continue dousing the fire…

Again, the pot thing floats at me for a melee attack. I decide to let it come straight for me, just so I can-

Thwack!

"Hugh!"

After de-fluffing the pot, the wind is taken out of me as the pot itself strikes my stomach. From there, I spiral to the floor…

Thud. "Ghn…"

The pot falls next to me.

 _Cra~ck!_

I-I forgot they explode into flames!

Rolling to the side, I find myself against the wall, the flames generating just before me.

Not good, not good, not good…!

I scramble back on my rear, using my limbs to quickly propel myself away from the flames. My skirt lights…

"Brad!" Water magic! Need it now!

He turns to me, and notices my situation. "Reim- oh, shit!"

Running up to me, he- Aah! Co-cold…!

Water forcefully treats my clothes and my skin, the hanger's torrent soaking me. My skirt is saved, however.

Then, he turns his attention to the fire. "It's a fucking inferno now… I, uh, think this place is gonna burn down again!"

Again? Well, anyway…

Taking a deep breath, I float a bit, just to get into a standing position, again. From there, I run up to him.

"Woah!" He didn't notice my recovery. I take this moment to steal the hanger from his hands, and go to work on the fire myself.

...He grins. "I mean, if you wanna do it for me, yo…"

"How do you work this?" I ask him. Do you just pour mana into it? I'll do that first.

"We~ll, there's this va-"

FWOOSH

After pouring mana into it, the hanger's torrent becomes a blast, the wide spray of water filling the entire length of the hallway…!

Wow! I cut my mana immediately.

...The damage is already done, all of the hallway's immediate furniture drenched. The place won't burn down now, though.

...Brad's jaw is open, as I hand the hanger back to him, turning the valve until it's off.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Did she seriously just limit break that hanger better than I coulda _ever_ used it in like, ten seconds!?

She steps up to the now soaked, dented cellar door, her arms folded. "C'mon. More are probably around."

I'm pretty worried that we got Crimson Jazz fluffles all up in this place. If Remilia had _stone halls_ , this crap wouldn't happen!

I now have a feeling that Reimu could easily break this cellar door on her own, and is just letting me work it to be nice. I mean… I don't mind, but _yo_.

...Now that those freakin' fluffmeisters are out of the way, now I can get to the good bit…!

Putting away Deep Blue, I start bashing the cellar door with Tundra Bloomer!

Bam!

This freakin' cheap iron, yo.

"Did you feel something… weird, just now?" Reimu stared at me, an eyebrow raised.

Hmm? "Not at all, yo. Why's that?"

"...No reason." Reimu totally had a reason, but I'm not gonna find out.

Bam!

I just realized that this door will probably need to be replaced, now. Among other things, probably, but I'm just now realizin' this…!

Bam!

I broke a _hole_ in the door before I managed to knock it loose. What the _frik!?_

Reimu sighed. "Look, just…"

I stepped aside.

She promptly summoned a classic Yin-Yang orb, which bowled into the door.

 _Bam!_

...The door was instantly annihilated.

"Come on." Reimu was determined to continue forward and get stuff done. She was the first down into the cellar.

...Ha-chan nudged me. I looked over to her- hoho, yo. She's close and cuddly. "Isn't Reimu so cool…?"

...Ye, ye, ye. I nod.

Ha-chan beams.

"Come on!" Reimu yelled for us from the cellar.

"Alright, yo, alright…" I follow her down, Ha-chan nearly freakin' bowling me over because she tried to walk along with me down the narrow stairway. Freakin'...

We eventually get to the hallway. I'm about to check the Escape Plan on how to get through, but Reimu picks a direction and flies, so I follow her.

Flandre's room is before us, the door hanging off its hinge, and a hole in the concrete ceiling above it.

There's a barrel to the right, and it _wasn't_ there before…

Reimu continues towards the room. "...So that's the way she went."

You know, if she can just float through concrete… how do walls concern her at all!? Like, what's the point in locking her in anything? Unless it's the interior, but the door's broken! I'm confused.

Ha-chan stops before the barrel. "Someone left us swords!"

Reimu and I both turn towards the barrel…

Wait… she's right. There's _cutlasses_ in there. I thought those were freakin' umbrellas.

Ha-chan reaches in-

"O~i! Oi!" A fairy maid pops out!

"Aah!?" Ha-chan steps back, alarmed! It's a spookapalooza!

The fairy maid had beige hair, and an eyepatch. Looking around at us, she eventually focused on me. Trying to climb from the barrel, she awkwardly worked around the cutlasses… "It-it's you!"

...I blink. "Hello, friend."

...Eventually, she tips the barrel over. "A-aah!"

Clunk!

The cutlasses pour out with her…

"Rose-chan…" Ha-chan mutters.

Rose-chan, huh. She doesn't _look_ like a plant elemental fairy…

She stands up abruptly, before grinning at me. "Ya used to be the talk of the manor like, a week ago!"

A _week_ ago? My popularity has faded, yo.

"Yeah!" She confidently nods. "I hid down here when everyone was repairin' the fire damage! Kinda work ain't cut out for a hero like me, ya dig?"

...I turn to Ha-chan. "She a hero?"

Ha-chan nods. "Yeah! She always goes down to check on Flandre!"

Oo~h! I salute her. "You make your mansion proud, soldier."

She nods enthusiastically. "Darn tootin', lad!"

...I turn to the left, only to see Reimu's just broken from us to enter Flandre's room.

Rose-chan comments on her presence, with a hushed whisper to us. "That miko here for the Flan-lass?"

I nod. "Yeah, yo. You see her take off?"

She shook her head. "I went down here 'cause I knew she wouldn't be here!"

What a hero!

"That, and those damned lance slingers…" Rose-chan shook her head. "Whole blasted lot of 'em laid the fairy platoon ta waste, y'see."

Lance slingers? ...What kinda funky slur is that!?

"Brad! Hana!" Reimu yells out to us, suddenly and with alarm. Enough to make me freakin' _jump_.

I quickly hurry into the room, Ha-chan lagging behind me.

Reimu's standing over Flandre's bed. Oh, boy! I wonder if she found out that Flandre has a secret porn stash!

I move over to the bed hurriedly…

Koishi's- Jesus, fuck…!

Her form blinks in and out on the bed. After I see her, the room's details flicker like someone set the graphics setting to DirectX negative two, and then set the texture detail to 'Toaster-Low'.

She's lying on Flandre's five polygon bed, eyes squinted and teary as he gritted her teeth, clutching her stomach…

Ho~ly shit that's a lot of bloo- oh, nevermind. All the blood suddenly van- o~h that's even _more_ blood! Whatever Koishi does, it's making my eyes tell fibs…!

My presence is noted by her. "Br-Brad, Ha-chan…"

Reimu glances at us, concern on her face, before looking back at Koishi. She begins examining Koishi's body, which seems about as useful as rubbing your eyes with sharp objects at the moment, considering everything looks like a bad N64 game right now.

Leaning over the bed and looking, I notice red, bloody holes in her stomach...

So~ _that's_ why Flandre lost it. Koishi must've gotten shot earlier…

Uh oh.

Reimu's expression was hard. "I'm not a good healer. Get Sanae, find some potions, do _something_." With that, she holds a hand over the wound of Koishi's a soft, yellow glow blooming outward over it.

Yeah, that'd be good…

…

She glares at me. "That means _you! Hurry!_ "

Oh, shit!

I move to the door, Ha-chan standing in the way.

"Hi." She casually greets me as I try to nudge her outta the way…

...After a moment of casual and perhaps playful nudging, I blurt out words. "Koishi got shot in the ass!" I inform her!

"Oh, no!" Ha-chan steps back, lookin' concerned! "Will it get better!?"

I shake my head. "Gonna have to cut it off, yo. Assless for the rest of her days!" As I step outta the room, my appearance goes from blocky to normal again. The outside of the room's not like a bad ROM corruption, it seems.

Rose-chan jerks her head back. " _Assless!?_ Aw, damn…"

"We gotta find her a potion, or an elixir, yo." I inform them. "Or she will die from asslessness." Or blood loss!

...Isn't she a youkai? Then again, she had multiple bullet holes. I'll go fetch an adult, anyway. Or bring Koishi hard drugs. Does this mansion have an infirmary?

"You'd best be countin' on me to fix this problem right up!" Rose-chan pumps a thumb to her mediocre bust. "I come strapped with six pistols and a dagger!"

 _Six_ pistols!? "Yo, I need one of those! The pistols!"

...She blinks. "...I mean, my flintlocks were confiscated last time I tried to do anything wit' 'em… but I _did_ once have six pistols!"

You lied, fairybeard. I mean, I guess she _is_ a pirate...

I walk out into the intersection and draw a blank.

...Rose-chan volunteers to lead! "...How the toss'd you even got down 'ere if you don't know how?"

"It was a different time." I inform her. "Skoolatoons roamed the earth, like wi~ld animals! And terrorized, 'n'..."

I turn to Ha-chan. "Ey, Quickdraw! You seen any villains!?"

...After her initial shock from my yelling, she beams. "Well, I-"

Fwoom! The hall to our right is lit up.

Giant red pot riding fluffle coming _right the fuck_ at us!

I begin pushing Rose-chan! "Go, go, freakin' _go!_ " I think we found our villains!

"Ah- right! Follow!" She begins running, and I tail along behind her. Looking to my left, the fluffle pot thing- I'll just call 'em Crimson Jazzes from now on, since I know where they freakin' come from- eagerly catches up to us because they're fast fiends.

So many questions, yo. The most important of which being: are we going to get completely _annihilated_ by fluffles!?

Lifting her cutlass- which I didn't see her take, earlier- Rose-chan turns, ready to engage. "Ahoy! Scatter, ye dog!"

She swung at it!

Cling!

...Wow, that was completely useless!

"I got it!" Ha-chan casts another little spark bolt thing!

Thwash.

Fuck and all. You guys might as well, like, not _exist_.

Takin' out Deep Blue, I hope it'll do _something_. Fire's weak to water, right?

The Crimson Jazz glows orange, for a moment, before the glow leaves.

And now- those red popping fire orbs are generating behind me Jesus fuck-

Fwam! Fwam! Fwam!

 _Fuck_ that _hurts!_ It- it's like touching a _stove_ , dude! Except on your arms, and legs… and chest.

Like the wind, I turn the valve on Deep Blue, and begin dousing myself. I use it like a showerhead, yo. Not entirely comfortable, but, y'know beats being _on fire_.

Running quickly, I manage to wet myself. The water actually reduces the size of the orbs around me, the ones I accidentally hit, anyway. They pop so fast there's no way to actually target them…

"Brad-kun!" Ha-chan shouted. "I'll help!"

Thwash. She used another tiny static bolt on the thing, but it still refused to do anything productive.

The Crimson Jazz proceeded to turn around, and bash itself against her.

Ha-chan's flung into a nearby wall. Bouncing off of it, and landing on her bum, she processes these events. "... _Ow!_ "

"C'mon!" Rose-chan begins going down a direction. "These blazin' bastards'll never clear the door!"

The problem is that there will be more outside, but okay…

Fwam, fwam, fwam!

"Aa~gh…!" Unable to contain my pain, I express it.

The Crimson Jazz goes up to me to bash me with its broadside, and I put out Deep Blue to block-

Cling!

Considering it nearly bowled me over, that was a crappy block, but the thing recoiled when the water hit it…!

The fire spell ceased searing my clothes and skin, letting me take a moment to spritz the thing with water.

Deep Blue's jet of water made direct contact with the Crimson Jazz, which rapidly twitched and flinched under the stream of water, until-

 _Cra~ck!_

...What, s'that like, negative three hundred water resistance? Huh. I probably coulda helped Reimu out a lot more, earlier…

Even though I killed it with water, it exploded into fire, leaving a bonfire on the stone floor.

Rose-chan seems to have run down the path without me, though Ha-chan is still with me…

I take out the Escape Plan, and follow the directions on it. Eventually, we catch up with Rose-chan-

"Where'd you two go!?" Friend, you're not the one who should be angry.

"Home." I smile at her…

...After a few confused moments, she smiles back. "Okay…?"

Awwh.

Progressing past her and wastin' no more time, I rush up to the open cellar doorway-

Boom! Fwam, fwam, fwam! Boom!

Please, no.

...Peeking my head out, I see Flandre swinging her Laevatein around at the blazing bastards.

Boo-boom! Boom, boom, boom!

 _Cr-Cra~ck!_

Flaming shards scatter across the floor and- the mansion's going to burn down again, isn't it?

"Hey, hey, hey…!" Marisa zipped by, roaring past Flandre entirely, ignoring the blaze. Freakin', where is _she_ go-

There was a low hum in the air. Just, kinda like 'vwoop', or something. Looking at Marisa, I saw some sort of grey, silky-skinned humanoid tailing her, with a large ass lance. It was in the same style as those freakin' snipers the other day, except with a big lance!

It shot through the air, but Marisa barreled up and out of the way-

Thwa~sh!

A shock wave emanated on the wall where the lancer struck, its progress halted by its own half-embedded lance.

...I think it's a good time to waste more time…!

"Yea~h!" Ha-chan flies up from behind me. "Let's go find- woa~h!"

The same lancer who chased Marisa is now in front of Ha-chan.

Its lance is in her stomach.

Pi~chun!

Whelp. I retreat into the cellar.

Rose-chan furrows her brows. "Ye damned coward! Where're ya going!?"

"Home!" I yell back, running for the depths of Flandre's basement! I think this is even worse than the fairies with guns...!

Wieldin' The Escape Plan, I proceed to retrace my steps back into the depths…

Rosie McGosie tails along, for some reason. "We gotta help the assless lass! Wher're you going!?"

Freakin'...!

Eventually, we reach the area before Flandre's room.

I point up at the ceiling. "Oi, Rosie O'Donnell, get me up there."

She snorts. "Name's Rose, lad."

Daw. No 'RoseGardenweather' or anything equally as convoluted…

...She looks up. "Oh, right. There be a hole, here."

Ho ho!

…

She stares at me. I stare back.

…

"Carry me up, friend." Please?

She folds her arms, scoffing. "Y'expect me ta hold _your_ slimy ass?"

 _Son_. "It's to save the ass of another, yo. Asses to asses."

...At that, she sighs. "Fine."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...Slowly, I rise from the long ass concrete tunnel, Rosie Palms carrying me by my arms as we gradually cleared the hole. One arm had Deep Blue held, and the other Tundra Bloomer. Up here, we were in some hallway-

Boom!

Oo~h… A wall blew open. Now there's like, an inferno just five doors down...

Yeah, this place is going to burn. Freakin'...!

Sanae flew out from above the flames, going insanely fast. Before I even could process her appearance, she skidded to a halt on the floor before me, her sandals digging into the carpet and leaving _marks_.

" _Kanako-sama!_ " She props her arms in some sorta pose… " _Aerogun!_ "

In that moment, Kanako appeared before her, a big grin on her face.

"Hra~h!" Kanako spun, wind rapidly- holy…!

I slam Tundra Bloomer into the carpet, cracking the floor. I hug the weapon tightly as the wind violently whips around the hall, a vortex perfectly conforming to the hall's shape…

My breath was held, lest the wind choke me.

"Aaa-ahh~...!" Rose let out a startled cry, before I couldn't hear her voice in the wind anymore.

It continued for a good minute, my eyes tearing up as the wind whipped and chilled my face, my shaggy-ass hair billowing in the violent wind…

...It finally ends. The fire was pushed back into the wall, it seems…

"Brad!" Sanae took an ofuda, and tossed it to me.

Yo, no, wha-

Slap!

...It glows green.

"Heal!" Sanae exclaims.

It evaporates.

...I feel less shit about getting whipped by the wind, so that's nice.

Wait, healing stuff! "Hey, Sanae!" I call out to her!

Sakuya appeared, all of a sudden. She had these really blue knives wielded- ones that I freakin' forgot she had- and she was tossing them into the inferno.

As they landed in the blaze, they exploded into blasts of water, dousing the flames. There was no time for hellos, as she vanished immediately after.

"Hey!" She calls out to me, running towards me. "We-we're too late! The fluffles…!"

I nod. "Yeah, yo! They're getting jiggy with it, yo!"

...Turning to the side, I see Marisa gaining on us.

 _Vwoom_.

The tall, lance-wielding _fluffle of course it would be_ appeared at her side, stalking her.

"Ghn…" She grunted, performing a hard turn into a deviating hallway to avoid a lance that suddenly dropped from the ceiling. A torrent of wind roared out from where it landed, extending outward like a shockwave.

She reached into her pocket, and took out a bottle. "Magic Waste, Deep Ecological Bomb!"

It glowed a bright blue.

 _Vwoom_. The lancer, who fell behind trying to avoid the stray lance, was by Marisa's side again.

Marisa held out her hand. "He~re ya go!"

...The lance looked down at the bottle with its fluffy face, and used its free, sleeve-like appendage to grab onto it.

With that, Marisa zoomed off.

...The lancer looked down at the bomb bottle.

Boom!

A blue glow enveloped it. When it faded, the grey, silky parts of the costume dropped to the floor.

Sanae leapt in place, pumping a fist into the air. "Yea~h! Screw that fluffle!"

I point at the hole I emerged from. "Sanae, we gotta crawl into that hole and die, yo."

...Sanae furrowed her brows. "What? No… no."

Hyonk. "By that, I mean Koishi got shot in the everything and needs you to not die maybe." There we go!

Sanae's eyes widen. "Ko-Koishi!? Who-..." ...It takes her a moment. "Oh- oh my god! What happened to her!?"

...Kanako popped into existence to bap her on the back of the head with a copy of the Bunbunmaru, before vanishing again. Sanae rubbed her head…

"Got shot, B! Got shot!" I begin crouch-jumping in place! "Ouugh, ouugh!"

…

Sanae's staring at me like I'm some kinda freakin' loon.

"Too hype?" I grin.

"Too hype." Shaking her head, she drifts towards the hole. "Where will she be?"

"Flandre's room." I tell her.

…

She puts two and two together. "Koishi~! I'm comi~ng!" By that, I mean she realized why Flandre's pissed, I think.

...I got no idea what happened to Rose, but her cutlass is lying on the floor like twenty feet away.

...It's time to be a pirate, son!

I begin to march towards it-

Boom!

Woa~h no!

This time, Remilia soared through the wall, two of the fluffian lances in each of her hands.

 _Vwoom- Vwoom_.

Two fluffles appeared at her sides, trying to steal back their lances.

"Get-... _u~gh!_ " Making an annoyed grunt, she turned to one, and tossed the lance at it.

Cli~ng!

The lance went right through it, destroying the fluffle in the suit. A shockwave was made further down the hall, wind roaring out from the impact.

A liquid-like substance dropped from the fluffle's abandoned silky rags, but it quickly evaporated.

Remilia swung the other lance at the last fluffle.

Thwshwsh…!

The odd liquid splashed across the floor, before vaporizing.

...From there, Remilia focused on me. "What the _hell_ are you doing here?"

"Freeing the scottish lands." I inform her, grinning. "Rallying all the cla~ns!"

"...Right." She snorted. "You do that, then. Keep your eyes open, or you'll die."

With that, she flew back into the hole she made.

...Oh, shit, I'm alone, aren't I?

"Don't be scared!"

Koishi stands next to me, smiling. "Be happy!"

...Hi, friend.

Boom! Boom, boom!

Walls began getting blown up, somewhere…!

...Crack, cra~ck!

Yo!

The wall before us bends, Flandre's long nails digging through the wood and paint, her limbs clumsily nudging aside whatever she didn't cut up.

Koishi froze up upon seeing her, for some-...!?

I'm suddenly really angry! "Fuck fluffles!" Swinging Tundra Bloomer around, I take my newfound rage out on the wall.

Bam!

"Aaaa~h!" Koishi roars, and she begins punching the wall, to little effect.

" _Aaaa~h!_ " Flandre roars, standing still.

"Aa-aaa~h…!" ...Is my voice really that freakin' weak!?

…

Tears in her eyes, Flandre retracted her claws and glomped Koishi.

Koishi begins crying. "Fla-Fla~ndre~!"

"Koishi~cha~n!" Flandre buries her face in Koishi's shoulder.

I begin crying too, for some reason. "Yo-you two…"

Kneeling, I hug them.

…

Koishi gets snug. "You guys are warm!"

"You too!" Flandre is suddenly happy again.

Why the hell was I crying?

"Those fluffles are going to pay for what they did to me…" Koishi suddenly broke from Flandre, clenching a fist. "Death from above, we'll be an army of _wings_."

"I'll kill them." Flandre grins widely.

I crack my knuckles. "We'll make the enemy _kneel_." Can't believe I was okay with being _happy_ just a few moments ago. This is the biggest thing I've ever-

Koishi and Flandre vanish.

…

That was freakin' edgy, yo. I wipe the angry tears from my eyes, freakin' befuddled. I don't even know what the hell just happened, but I went bipolar for a moment, or something.

Flandre and Koishi appeared before me again, the latter looking around. "Hey, Flan-chan…"

Flandre tilts her head.

I'm very interested, too! I stare at Koishi.

"Does your sister still buy those tasty cakes?" Koishi gingerly asks.

...Flandre shrugs, looking cuddlier than before. "Tasty cakes…"

...I dunno how to act here. It's this warm feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I dunno what to _do with it_ du~de!

I looked around.

The right of the hallway was filled with Crimson Jazzes and those lance wielding pricks.

I looked to the left.

Oh. Oh, no.

...Crouching, I tap on Flandre's shoulder.

Flandre turned to me. "Hi."

...I pointed at the fluffles.

She turned to them…

…

I leapt back as she suddenly summoned forth her _explosion blade_. "...Ko-chan. Run."

Koishi shook her head. "No! I'm gonna stay and help!"

...Flandre sighed. You don't hear that every day! "I don't want you to get hurt again!"

"I can be scarce, and stuff." Arguing with her, Koishi suddenly popped up in front of us. "I'll be support!"

The three orbiting fireballs of doom began generating around Flandre, the Crimson Jazzes throwing caution to the wind and gradually approaching.

This is not the place for me to be. At all.

I double back for the hole in the floor…!

 _Vwoom. Vwoom_.

Lancers flicker into my path. I take Tundra Bloomer, and attempt to bash them aside-

Cli~ng!

My swing is parried in an instant. Shit…!

Boom!

Flandre's sword strikes the nearby wall. The fluffle lancer things leap like ten feet into the air, literally, and sit there, frozen in a startled posture.

"Reflex Radar!" Koishi exclaimed.

Suddenly, she was nowhere, and she was _everywhere_. Every twitch made by the fluffian lancers caused a copy of her to blink in nearby, a small, yellow ring of light appearing where there was movement.

...As badass as that was, it doesn't actually _help_!

With this moment, I slid into the concrete tunnel. Falling, I used Tundra Bloomer's length to scrape the uneven rock walls and block the thin tunnel, stopping myself from falling to a painful, clumsy death.

...I release it- oh geez I'm falling- clench!

Cling!

Ee~y.

...Release- freakin'... clench!

Cling!

Hehe~y!

…

Release!

I fall from the hole in the concrete ceiling, landing with a thud. "...Oof!"

Sanae and Reimu stepped from the room. Reimu's face was cynical. "...Where'd you come from?"

I point up. "The _sky_ , dude…"

The mansion begins to vibrate sporadically.

Uh oh.

...Reimu sighed. "I half feel like that's your fault."

Freakin'...!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: FLANDRE'S PERSPECTIVE ====

…

Ko-chan blinked in front of me, and booped my nose!

…

"No…" These stupid dust things… "...I'm not gonna let you push me around!"

Laevatein flares up at my side. Let's do this!

...Ko-chan booped my nose again.

The big red pot things began floating for me! Reeling my sword back, I swung at them!

Bla-boo-boom-bam!

Four hit combo~!

They all _really_ loudly shatter. Their shard things scatter to the floor, and become flames. Fire! They're trying to burn down the mansion!

...Again!

I swing my sword at the fire-

Boom!

...I made it wor~se…

"Rekindled…" I hear Ko-chan speak, but I dunno from where! "The Embers Of Love!"

…

All the fluffy things start clinging to each other and snuggling. Aww~!

I walk towards them, and the spear stick wielding thingies slide through the fire, and press against me gently.

I hug them back!

...After a few moments, the fire gets to them, and the fluffles burn to death. Awwh…

Ko-chan pops up behind me, and casts a spell! "Magnega!"

Ooo~! Woah!

The fluffles and me are all pulled into this spinny shiny orb thing!

...It's kinda dull, though. It ends really fast, too.

The burning fluff stuffs are all dropped onto the floor with me. I'm burning, too, which is kinda annoying, but I got bigger things to do! I can't let a little fire get me down!

I swing-

Boom!

What did I hit?

I turned, and saw smoke.

Guess I'll never find out…

"You know, I never used these spells literally, before…!" Ko-chan eagerly propped her arms to her sides, not appearing at all.

"They can be fun!" I tell her. Really, they can. The only one I used real literally is Four Of a Kind, among a few others… I guess it's not the only one, then!

Ko-chan grins, behind me and in front of me. "Suppression: Super-Ego!"

And- I- Wh- Sh- Ah-...

…

I begin swinging my sword around. These dolls want to hurt me. They want to break me, Remi, Sakuya, Meiling, Patchouli, Ko-chan, Brad, Marisa… Koakuma too, I guess...

I have to break them first.

…

…

…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

...The vibrations are getting louder!

Reimu led us to the exit of the maze intersection, again. She noticed the ever increasing series of explosions, too. "...Seriously."

"The mansion's _self-destructing!_ " Sanae squeed. "We have five minutes to run, Reimu!"

"Don't joke about that." Reimu stopped just before the stairway out of the cellar. "This place feels like it's gonna blow as we speak."

The mansion violently rumbles. Stone falls from the cellar's ceiling…

"We~ should go!" Sanae briskly marches up the stairs. I do the same!

At the top, there are no more blazing bastards, or teleporty people with pointy sticks. Good!

...Sanae freaks out. "What way do we _go~!?_ "

"Home." ...That wasn't actually me, who said that. Freakin', Reimu _thefted_ that from me…

With that, she began floating in the direction that likely led out of the manor, Sanae and I following her because we couldn't do it ourselves.

The hallways don't _seem_ to favor her, at least not explicitly, but she seems to know her way with uncanny accuracy. She rounds a corner, and we end up in front of a few Crimson Jazzes…

Reimu grunted. "Great."

Then, from behind us, blue tomes floated outward.

Reimu doesn't give either any real chance to do anything. "Spirit Sign…"

Pre-emptively, Sanae begins falling back. "Eee~!"

Ooh~ boy. With little other choice, I advance in the opposite direction with Sanae.

"Fantasy Seal!"

The fluffles get the rainbow orbs again.

A series of seven different, rainbow colored orbs form around Reimu. Seconds later, they zoom out, homing in on the Crimson Jazzes-

Boom! Bam! Fwam! Bam! Boom!

...When the ripples of light end, the flaming shards drop to the floor…

Fwoom!

Instant inferno. Woa~h no.

...Huffing in frustration, Reimu turns to me. "Water hanger. Now."

Yo, yo, okay…! I reach for the sack-

The moment I bring it up, Reimu digs into it, her hand rifling through it, until she pulls out Flame Salvo. "This'll do?"

Aaa~h! "No! No, it won't!"

She points it at the fire, and- o~h…

 _Fwoom!_ So bright…!

…

She takes my bag, and quickly shoves the hanger back in. "Your fault."

 _Son_.

"A-aah…!" Sanae clams up. "Ca-can I put out that much…!?"

The blue tomes still overhead begin opening up, spreads of ice magic shooting out at the flames, doing little due to their newfound intensity.

After a few moments of searching, she pulls out Deep Blue, and points it at the blaze. Which, thanks to her previous effort, is now brighter than I can freakin' look at.

She charges it with mana-

FWOOSH

The resulting tsunami of water immediately changes the scene.

Now, the hallway's literally just soot and freakin'... soot _puddles_. I see vague remains of furniture, portraits, and vases in the rubble.

...Once it's over, Reimu furrows her brows at the embers… which slowly become fire again.

She points the hanger at the hall again.

Spu~rtz!

Whelp.

...Once the insane, hallway filling gush of water ends, some of it flows back out from wherever Reimu flushed it into. It flows out, and onto my shoes…

"Egh…" Reimu floats into the air, her sandals and socks covered in the black mud. "...Darn."

Sanae does the same. "Ooh- agh… Really~...?"

They seem more annoyed, than alarmed. Unfortunately, I can't jump and stuff, so~...

I take off my Kaguya wig to avoid it getting dirtied! The robe can suck it, though, 'cause I'm not takin' that off. All those extra 3DSs inside it make for good armor, y'know? Even if each of them would block only a single hit from anything here!

...Or none, if they're like Remilia or Flandre. Or if the attack's magical.

Reimu and Sanae begin floating ahead, and I have to freakin'... stomp along in the muddy hallway to track them. I'm the real warrior here, yo. Even if I wish I could take the easy way out like them!

Fortunately, they hang back enough for me to sloppily run along after them. Sanae looks back at me a few times, noting the trouble I was having, but not sayin' anything about it. Freakin'...

This is one of those moments where ya wish they did, but they wouldn't.. and I don't feel like saying that out loud! Except to the peanut gallery in my head. You.

...A gap opened before me, a gloved fist sticking out. "Hey, hey! I coulda been talkin' to _myself!_ "

Reimu and Sanae turn around to face me.

The gap closes-

Shink!

...The disembodied gloved hand drops to the floor, blood oozing out from where it was cut off.

Shieut. I know you were in the wrong, Yukari, butcha didn't have to go up and cut your hand off!

...Reimu sighed. "Let's keep going."

Sanae glanced between us in confusion, but didn't add anything.

As we continued, the blue tomes darted to and fro, forming a line across the whole hallway where they rested in the air, occasionally attacking whatever seemed to still be flaming.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We reach the front lobby!

Two spear-toting, grey humanoids are slapped together by Meiling's arms. She turns around-

Thwa~sh!

A spear ends up in her stomach. Her eyes widen, for a moment, but she reaches down for it…

Oo~h. _Ooo~h_.

Kri~k!

Those are _pronged_ , Meiling! The ends are abstract art!

Crack!

...She just pulled the pointy spear from her abdomen, a thin hole where it pierced her chest. Red bits that I can't really make out drop from her torso, and she seems taken aback by just how much came out. Even so, she looks for the responsible enemy, and tosses the spear back.

The spear turns into light as it travels, becoming similar to the speed Remilia tossed it at.

Thwash!

The fluffle thing fell apart, yet another one downed.

Sanae jogged towards the gate keeper. " _Meiling!_ " Drawing an ofuda, she threw it...

...Kasen dropped from above, and put her hand to Meiling's back...

"Heal!"

...Meiling slowly stood, pumping her arms in the air. "Yea~h! Healing magic's _awesome!_ "

...Kasen and Sanae connected eyes, looking annoyed with one another.

That moment when you both blow a potion healing the same person. Oof.

...The mansion's shaking increased! I nearly end up falling over…

Meiling focused on us. "You guys know what's going on?"

Reimu shrugged. "Stuff's exploding."

...At that, Meiling gave an awkward nod. "Well, yeah…"

"Flandre and Koishi are goin' double time, yo." I contribute. "I was almost at ground zero!"

…

"Let's go…" Meiling concedes the mansion's safety, moving for the door.

Sighing, Kasen follows behind her.

Reimu and Sanae promptly follow, and I end up havin' little other choice than to go out with 'em…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

From about a hundred feet away from the mansion's gates, we watch the manor itself…

Pillars of fire, and some other green magic, are seen jutting from the mansion's roof.

"...Wasn't Marisa with you guys?" Reimu realized, turning to Sanae and Kasen.

...Sanae gasped. "Oh, no!"

...At that moment, we saw a rainbow-colored pillar of light extend from the mansion, which was probably more like a familiar beam than a pillar.

"Ah." Reimu folded her arms.

…

"Aren't you worried?" Sanae turned to the other miko, concerned.

"Patchouli's in there." Reimu reasoned. "She'll be fine. Those two would rather let themselves die than each other."

...You say that as if Patchy liked either of us very well.

Luckily for me, that tickled Sanae's inner gossipy school girl! "...Wait, Reimu, are they…?" She tilts her head, staring at the other miko.

Reimu rolls her eyes. "Study partners, probably. I can't see Patchouli loving anyone other than her books. Though, I'm pretty sure Marisa likes her."

Oo~h, the answer I both did and didn't want to hear…!

"...Awwh." Sanae pouted.

…

Eventually, we saw the form of Marisa come from the direction of the manor, her broom smoking again.

"Look ou~t!" Her loud yell was accented by a slow, ginger descent into the floor…

Eventually, her broom dug into the dirt just before us. Before Marisa could skid into anyone, Reimu brought her sandal down in the broom's path, and stopped it.

Marisa was jerked forward a bit from the stop. Her face was covered in soot, and a tiny flame was slowly building on her hat… "Shit's _crazy_ in there, ze! Flandre just kicked my ass!"

How are you _alive?_

...Reimu pointed the water hanger at her-

FWOOSH

"Wha-ghugh!?"

...When the hydro hell ended, Marisa was pinned against a tree many feet away.

She coughed up water. "Kaugh! U~gh… Why~, Reimu…?"

"You were on fire." Reimu justified, before tossing Deep Blue back in my general direction.

I fumble to catch it. "Yo, yo, yo~..."

Stepping up to Marisa, Meiling asks a question. "How bad is it, in there?"

...Marisa peels from the tree, scratching her cheek. "Uuh, well…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: KOISHI'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Hahahaha~!

Behind me, Flandre swings her sword! I can't see her anymore, and being too close to her like this hurts, but I know she's there!

There's also explosions, and stuff. Flandre's kinda stuck in them, and- ooh!

Woosh!

That spear thingy tried to hit me!

Let's see, sister told me I could do some basic magic, once, too… Like if I-

Fwoom! Woa~h!

That's a lotta pretty green magic!

The spear's gone, too!

One of those pot things floats into me, and then I'm on fire! So I decide to stop being on fire, 'cause fire hurts. Flandre's on fire, but for her it doesn't hurt, and I dunno if I could make her stop being on fire, because being near her hurts. Explosions hurt.

Speaking of being on fire…!

"Magnega!" I don't know how magnets work!

More fluffles and pieces of wood and fire get caught in the vortex, whirling around. Flandre ends up in there, too, so I make sure to not be there. It hurts to be in there, I found out.

I make sure to be nowhere for any more than one… fraction of a moment? Something like that. If I stay still, I get hurt! When I wanna take a break, I just stop in one of the empty rooms, and relax.

Which I think I'll do now.

…

It's dark, but this bed is soft.

…

Oh, no! The wall blew open!

"I'm here to- holy…!" Boo~m!

It's Marisa! And she's not on fire, or exploding!

She aims her eight-sided box at Flandre's position. She doesn't know what's going on, but…

I can't let her hurt Flan-chan.

"Maste~r…!"

I take her arm, and pull it upward.

"Agh!?" Hey eyes widen. She's surprised- kinda scared, too. "Spa-spark…!"

Vrrrrr~!

The heavy beam goes into the ceiling, instead. Phew!

"Wh-what…!?" She looks around. She doesn't know I did it, but-

"A-ah!" Those three red circles began forming around her. Oh, no!

...She flies in circles for a moment, before going in the opposite direction. She tries to escape them horizontally, but after a moment, they crash together behind her-

 _Fwam!_

"Waa~h!" Marisa spirals down the hallway, the tip of her hat now on fire. "Woahoahoa~h!"

Shatter!

She exits through a window at the end of the hallway, veering up to get more air.

Bam, bam!

The mansion's falling apart, but Flandre'll be okay. I got to go, though.

…

…

…

I'm outside, now.

"Yo, yo, yo~..." Brad got his hanger back from Reimu. He's a little annoyed about how it was thrown to him, and about how he got all dirty, earlier…

The gate keeper walked up to Marisa, who was now all wet and soggy, against the tree. She's concerned, but kinda mad, too. She's not showing it. "How bad is it, in there?"

...Marisa becomes a little sheepish, as she scratches her cheek. "Uuh, well…"

I appear! "It's a little on fire!"

Green girl jumps. Turning to me, I feel her become more guarded... "You… I didn't feel you."

"I don't feel me, either!" I tell her! "But I did feel how on fire it was in there!"

...Brad seems amused, in his own way. "Ya _felt_ how on fire it was."

Yeah! I nod. "It was warm, and it hurt, so I had to go."

…

Meiling slouched. She's got this sinking feeling…

"Yet you're totally fine." Reimu looked up and down at me. I~... don't really feel much from her! Out of the normal normalness she has.

But yeah! "I'm fine!"

...Thud!

...We all turn, to see Remilia land outside the mansion, on fire.

With a single thrust of her wings, she puts herself out, her clothes charred black, but her skin rapidly healing.

"This sucks." She's not happy. "I _knew_ those fluffles were up to no good." ...Then, she turns to Reimu, shielding her eyes from the dim end-of-day sun as she does so. "What're you and your entourage of clowns doing here?"

Reimu blinks. "...We came to warn you about the fluffles."

Remilia nods. "Yeah. Mmm. Good job. Really pulled that one off." She's a little lower than 'not happy'.

She turns to me! "...And just what are _you_ doing here?"

"Flan-chan wanted to play." I explained to her. "And then I nearly died, and she got really sad."

" _You_ nearly died." Remilia was surprised! She didn't show it that much, though. "How?"

"I got shot!" By fairies! With guns! "...Gunfairies!"

...Remilia facepalmed.

...Reimu narrowed her eyes at me, suspicion building. Wha~...?

Wo-woah, that feels-

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: REIMU'S PERSPECTIVE ====

I knew something was off when Brad didn't have that anymore, and Koishi did. Now I have it again…

What _is_ this?

"Woa~h…" Koishi sways around. "Reimu made my head all dizzy…!"

...People begin to turn to me.

It's a bit much to explain, to be honest. "I do that to people, apparently."

Marisa snorts. "Yeah, okay, Reimu. When's the last ya went on a date?"

...Good question. "When's the last time _either_ of us went on dates?"

"Hey," Grinning, Marisa takes her hat off, squeezing it to dry it out. "When I was like, five, there was this one boy…"

"When you were _five._ " We're done, here.

"No- listen!" She marched towards us again.

What if I switched that value mid-sentence? The weird value Koishi had, that used to be on Brad and myself...

Brad interjected. "Didja save the world from getting crushed by the moon, yo? 'Cause when-"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Yo~. What the _frik!?_

Reimu was looking me dead on when that happened. I know I was talkin', but c'mon…!

...Awkwardly, I continue. "Rei~mu made me dizzy in the _head_ , yo!"

Reimu rolled her eyes.

Marisa turned to her. "Ya made him shut up. Yer a hero!" He~y, now…

Smugly grinning, Sanae snuck up behind Reimu. "You know, Rei-"

"I swear to whoever the Hakurei god is, Sanae, that if you try to play matchmaker, I will displace you." Reimu doesn't even turn to her to express her dissatisfaction, but her face says how done she is.

It was in this moment-

FWASH

Did the mansion explode!?

I turn to it…

It's now encased in ice. A huge spike stretched to the clouds above.

…

Remilia clapped her hands. "Splendid! Splendid showing!"

Meiling gaped at it. "...What happened!?"

Now Remilia was smug. "Patchy pulled through, you see! With the assistance of Sakuya, of course. I had nearly thrown in the towel, when I myself was expelled from the manor, but I'm glad to see most of my staff was well-equipped to deal with fires, this time."

...Oo~h, shieut. They had a _plan_ , dude. They _bet_ on it happening again! The sly bastards!

Reimu whistled. "It's almost as if you knew this was going to happen."

...Remilia nodded compromisingly. "Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on you. The third time just _doesn't happen._ "

…

I turn to her. "I assume you are adequately warned of the fluffy menace?"

"Yeah, sure." Remilia struts towards the manor. "Meiling, come help me dig everything out."

"Ri-right away, Mistress!" Meiling jogs towards the manor, moving ahead of the casually strutting Remilia.

That's a lotta freakin' ice, by the way.

As they walk off, Marisa turns to Reimu. "...Weren't ya supposed to be sick?"

It is now Reimu's turn to be smug, even if not as much as the other smug people. "I got better."

...With that, Sanae began drifting off. "We~ll, I'm going home. I kinda need, uhm…" She looked down at her miko outfit, which was covered in charred patches and a few almost-rips. "To unwind."

"I hear ya." Marisa began floating away, too. "How about we all head down ta Alice's? Today's free cloth day!"

Sanae beamed. "Really!?"

Rolling her eyes, Reimu tagged along with the witch anyway, the three drifting off into the daytime sky…

Kasen began to walk away. "Quite lively, aren't they?" Her clothes weren't nearly as banged up, somehow.

I watch her walk away, before turning back to the mansion…

I'm cold, and the mansion's in deep freeze. However, igloos are warm! I think I know where I~'m going…!

I strut towards the gates, ready to enter…!

 _Clang_.

The gate slammed shut. Unfortunately, Meiling and Remilia didn't notice, staring at the frozen ice in front of the door…

Freakin'... did the gate just _decide_ to be an asshole today? Did they make it automatic like those sliding doors at supermarkets?

"Over here."

I look to the left, hearing Yukari's voice.

She's to the left, beckoning me with a gloved finger, her expression neutral.

Oo~h boy. Should… I run? Nah, that'd suck ass, 'cause she'd blow me away. Reluctantly, I settle for approaching her…

"What's up now, friend?" Let's play it cool and neutral for now, yo. Also, her hand's back.

"Don't you think it a bit… peculiar?" She tilts her head. Smoothly, she unfurls a fan and shields her face, 'cause yeah.

You did not specify 'it'. "Yes, it is." I nod, satisfied.

She is not deterred, however! "How Gensokyo, in the past few weeks, has had rather… unfitting incidents?"

That _is_ kinda weird. "We~ll, they're not _all_ gonna be uniform, are they?"

With a snort, she fires back. "In addition, this fluffle infestation occurred at precisely the same time you came to exist inside Gensokyo's boundary."

...Huh. "...Wait, are you sayin' it's my fault!?" That'd be some bullshit!

...She stares at me, her fan actually serving to- nevermind, I think she's grinning. "Yes, and no."

You never make it easy, do you? "...Is that a maybe?"

"No." She _likes_ not making it easy, too.

Alright, I'm not playin' twenty questions, here. "Why and how?"

"That is what _I_ want to know." Yukari's eyes stare into my soul. Even though I'm good at the whole 'staring into the abyss' thing, her focused eyes kinda gimme the heebie jeebies. Probably because she's _stupid_ powerful. "In addition, I have found previous actions of my own rather suspicious, as of recent. I was surprisingly complacent with this thing one might call a 'fourth wall'."

Wait…

"...I do not know what allowed me to recover my sovereignty, as it were." She folded her fan shut, revealing a grin. "But I was born a victor, you see."

I point at her. "I~... thought you knew about this whole 'fanfiction' deal, myself. Like, legit." She's freakin' _scary!_

"If we're to…" She narrows her eyes, "'share' Gensokyo's overseeing, there will need to be some ground rules."

Did I ever oversee anything!?

...She reads my incredulity. "I admire the control you've given me thus far, but I am still displeased with the incidents that have followed up to this point. And this scourge upon all life on Earth which you've dubbed 'fluffles'."

I feel uncomfortable being outside the fourth wall this long.

"I do, too." She snorts. "Then, I will make this quick. You leave incidents that you've not started to _me_. Additionally, I retain full control of Gensokyo's properties, maintenance, and wellbeing. To you, nothing will be different, I'm sure, and we'll carry on as if this deal were never forged. However, this ensures that Gensokyo will carry on after your natural death, human as you are."

...That's kinda a lot to take in…!

"Of course, if you don't agree, now I may kill you freely."

Did you have to ask!? Actually… how _would_ you kill me if I said no? Like, would it just be stop-sign mania, or-

| _Everyday Gensokyo_ : Yukari Yakumo's Perspective |

No, it would be something like this.

...Brad blinks, giving an exaggerated, energetic nod. "Oh! Okay. So you can apparently just _do_ that."

"Indeed." I tell him. Like this, I cannot read what he types, unfortunately. That just means he'll say it aloud, instead. "I am far more versed in this sort of endeavor." Nearly seven hundred thousand words of being left to my own devices? One has to ask if Brad was a madman, or just stupid.

"...So, if I say yes, will you, uh…?" He fidgets, clearly nervous. As he should be.

I graciously nod, bringing relief to his features. "Yes."

From there, he takes a moment to reply, likely gathering what he would say proper. "In that case, sure. You get to do your crazy Yukari-related things, and I get to do my not-Yukari-related things."

 _Very good_.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

At that, she smiles. "I'm pleased. Good to have that squared away."

I have sold my soul to the devil. Provided, to avoid having my soul forcibly ripped out by the devil, but y'know… "I feel like I made a bad decision!"

"No takebacks." She winked. "Besides, I'm sure you'll be happier this way. Not that I'll help you, considering you don't like that sort of thing."

No, please, by all means! I need stuff to become better at not dying!

"See you later!" With that, Yukari cheerfully retreats into her gap.

…

 _Whelp_. I wonder if Patchy can help me determine if I made the right decision or not. She's a smart book person.

I step towards the gate, which is now just open for no reason. Oo~h, man, now I'm having real buyer's remorse. I got this feeling she got more than she asked for, or she took more, or _I dunno yo!_

Maybe it's just me thinking Yukari's not associated with good things. Generally 'cause she's all pro-balance and pro-youkai and stuff. Although, it's not like I had a lot of control to _begin_ with, I think…

Well, that's that. No use cryin' over spilled milk! Gonna get out there and make Gensokyo great again, yo.

I walk through the gate!

All things considered, the Scarlet Devil Mansion's already great again, because it has like a fifteen foot wall around it.

I step up to the new hole in the ice, and enter!

...Shoulda brought a torch. Freakin'...

Wieldin' Flame Salvo, I keep cautious distance from the bright violence ahead, where Remilia and Meiling are brightly tunneling through the solid ice.

I wonder if I can do it, too…!

Attack the ice!

Clink!

Flames licked the side of the ice, and went out. It didn't even turn to water.

Oh, fuck.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...I gaze at the forms of Koi, Komi, and Namori, one of Meiling's tunnels having ended up around the kitchen, or so. For whatever reason, Meiling stopped in here for water, even though, y'know…

Regardless, fairies! Komi was frozen in a position where she was tossing plates, some of various plates still fossilized mid-flight. Koi was wrestling with one of the Crimson Jazzes, which is actually dead inside of the ice. I can see the amber glow of the fossilized flames, which is _fucking_ _cool_ and also scary.

Namori was like, hiding in the sink, which didn't prove to be a good idea.

...Their eyes all focus on me.

I tap on the ice. "Auh. Auh, auh!" I make condescendingly generic noises!

"...What the hell are you doing?"

Remilia passes me, idly commenting on my choice of action.

"Mining for noobs, dude…" I found some!

"...I think you found them." E~y, she guessed the connotation of 'noob'!

With that, Remilia trotted off down Meiling's trail of destruction through the icy tunnel. From what I saw, Meiling was spin-kicking like a freakin' drill. Remilia used her spear and spun around it like a freakin' drill, and I~...

...followed in their footsteps, because I haven't seen ice this dense since _ever_.

I've gotten used to the loud ass sound of them drilling through everything ever. They seemed to be avoiding walls, but doors were fair game to get crunched.

After some time, Meiling busted through the ice in her infinite spin kick!

Bam!

At the end of her recent tunnel, was the library.

"Splendid." Remilia complimented her at the end. "...I see Patchy spared her own library."

Moving through the- woahoah…!?

I slip on the ice, and slide along the tunnel. Freakin' cylinder shapes!

"Yo, yo, yo~!" Look out, friends!

...I slide into Remilia's legs, and my progress is halted.

...She turns to glance at me, before ignoring me, continuing further into the library with Meiling.

Usin' my arms, I propel myself into the library proper- "Oof…" -sliding out and bumping my back on the way.

Inside, there was icicles hanging from the dark depths of the library's ceiling! These books were frozen today, yo…

Getting up, I jog after Meiling and Remilia, who were just walking leisurely through the halls. Eventually, though, they stop, turning to one of the aisles.

Catching up with them, I look down the aisle…

Fluffles are gathered around a crashed Crimson Jazz pot, which is dimly burning. They have their fins up, as if they're gathering heat.

Aww.

...Remilia raises her spear, which slowly enlarges. "You _creatures_ will pay."

The fluffles raise their fins.

She throws the spear anyway.

Boom!

...No more fluffles. Oh no.

Where they sat is now scarlet electricity. Remilia huffs. "The entire mansion hits absolute zero, and there are _still_ these awful things lurking around…"

It's actually warmer inside this library than it is outside. It was pretty warm inside the tunnels, too, but I think that was just Meiling's high energy, and her infinite spin kick of doom.

We continue through the now sorta dark blue tinted library, the ice's brightness giving the room a constant glow. A few lights are visible along the library's skies, and I dunno who's doing those.

Remilia looks up, and I follow. Red tomes are in the air, glowing softly. How much you wanna bet those tomes have identical moves to those Crimson Jazzes?

Eventually, we find Patchy's study!

Her books and stuffs are piled to the side, the desk in the middle of the clearing. She's burning it, holding her hands over the fire...

"I'm nice and wa~rm…" Koakuma cooed, trying to snuggle up next to her.

"I will toss you into the fire." Patchouli wasn't having any of it, though.

...After a few moments, our approach is noticed. "Hey, Remi."

"Good showing, Patchy." Remilia confidently nods at her. "I see this plan worked wonders."

Patchouli huffed. "...Not exactly. The idea wasn't to freeze absolutely everything solid, but instead to chill everything. Once this all melts, the mansion will likely undergo extensive water damage to the point of near ruin. This was a last ditch effort to save the library."

...Remilia slouched. "We-well, I'm sure it's nothing Sakuya and myself can't handle…"

"It's frozen _inside_ the walls, too." Patchouli continued.

"Can you not let me just be happy with this?" Remilia gives her a tired expression. "It's either this, or everything burning down, and to be frank, I much rather we have to do extensive repairs as opposed to starting from scratch."

...Patchouli shrugs. "Fair enough."

...Koakuma moves to glomp her, but one of the floating fire tomes intercept, batting Koakuma away. "Ow!"

I sit down in front of the fire… "Aa~h, the destruction of educational material! Makes for only the homiest fire, yo."

Patchouli snorted. "I made sure to vacate all useful materials from the desk before destroying it."

...Wait. "Couldn't you have just summoned some wood?"

…

She shrugs again. "Mmm."

Honh.

"I can also make another one of these desks, if I so desired." She countered!

...And it's a good counter! I got nothin' ta say to that.

Remilia begins wandering off. "Come, Meiling. We're gonna go find my coffin, so I can lie in it."

Patchouli's brow twitched. "...Wasn't that a secret of yours?"

Remilia waved her off. "Aah, well…"

...She focuses on me. I stand up! "Oh, my god…!"

...There's a pause, as she waits for me to continue.

"You're a _vampire!_ " I point at her! "It all makes _sense_ now!"

She rolls her eyes. "...I'm sure he's too stupid to go around spreading such a foolhardy rumor."

Now that I think a bit more, she _does_ have a regular bed. Where does she keep the coffin? Does she switch now and then? I mean, I probably would. If I was a vampire.

I dunno what it is with vampires and coffins.

With that, she walks off. Clapping her hands, "Come, Meiling." she beckons her gatekeeper.

Meiling waves at us. "See ya, Patchouli-sama!"

"Mmm." Patchouli imposes a half-hearted attempt at waving at her.

Now it's just us, the books, and the ice, yo! And this fire.

...I stare at the flames. The heat is too much for me to get too close, but nonetheless I'm mesmerized by the licking of fire against the dark air of the frosty library. The way it goes up and just ends, an entity unlike any other. Well, that's kinda changed since I came to Gensokyo. Fuckin' _magic_ , yo. Though… "What makes fire _do?_ "

...Patchouli gives me a wary stare. "I'm afraid you'll have to be just a little more specific than that."

Freakin', "How are flames _things?_ "

Recovering from her tome-induced trauma, Koakuma, glanced up at me, rubbing her head… "Even the cavemen knew what fire was, you dumbass."

 _Son_.

Patchouli relieves my quest for knowledge by explaining stuff to me! "Fire is the visible product of combustion. Basically… you want to know about the visual effect?"

I nod.

She nods in turn. "In that case…" She pauses, coughing. "Kauf- kauf… ri-right… the visual effect is merely coloration combined with light, for the most part. Reddish colors bloom forth more naturally, but this can be changed with conscious effort to colorize the fire. Regardless, the visual product is entirely circumstantial. The immense heat forces a chemical reaction that can be largely attributed to the resulting components... and their role in gravity as compared to the normal components of air. I'd go into detail, but I don't take it you're very familiar with chemicals and bonds?"

O~nly a little. 'Cause high school made me be. "Not particularly!"

"Mmm." With that, she went back to focusing on the fire, herself. "Fire's appearance, at its most basic, is a series of chemical coincidences that mystified man for decades to come."

...Koakuma yawned. "Patchouli-sama, you _sure_ know a lot of things about fire. Why don't you become an arsonist?"

"Sure. I'll start with you."

She grabs Koakuma telekinetically, and jerks her towards the fire in jest, "Eep!" pulling her back a moment later.

...Koakuma glared at her. "You _bitch_."

Patchouli smiled smugly.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 46

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY:

Youkai Inconveniencer - Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

Holy Talismans - Provides a holy upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

Electric Talismans - Provides an electric upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out…

A Wiffle Duster - For shoving up people's rectums.

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

lots of action, this chapter; a real ACTION FIGHTY chapter

interesting? yes, no? i~'ve never gotten an answer as to how much action interests someone because for me it's always also kinda wild in how interesting it actually is and how much is glazed over in excitement (partially making me wanna extend this chapter but i dunno)

wrote some FLANDRE AND KOISHI YO; didn't quite get to do what i wanted with them (and i dont mean on the bed), i mean i feel like their interpretations here are in the OKAY territory and not quite in the NAILED IT YO territory

THIS time i'm happy with the yukari i did, but she had to beat me over the head with a broomstick to be able to do it, first

proofreading it like a month later: STILL unhappy with this yukari in ways but it's a better rep of yukari than i normally do… freakin', yukari's so precarious, yo...

her power operates on some level of logic, granted, but she's got a LOTTA LIBERTIES

favorite scene of the chapter is probably the end one by the fire bu~t there were some other good scenes

i have a weird amount of MIXED FEELINGS about this chapter, but i think it's okay

...and after lookin' over it a month later i'm cool with how it turned out! the combat really broke it up a bit, though, not in a bad way, but moreso it makes the chapter feel less full…

combat is so weird when in excess like this

as always, see you all next time!


	57. The Man with a Molotov for a Head

(nuggets . w .) (by that i mean MATT ATTACK MAN)

A table behind me is alive with the clinking of beer mugs, and a cheer of merriment. To my right, the giant gaping hole that once exposed the bar's interior is now simply _half_ of a giant gaping hole.

The bar's amber atmosphere was pretty much back to normal.

Komachi was a few seats away from me, but she didn't look like she wanted to be bothered. The other patrons of the bar seemed to respect this…

"Dude, I scared for this cart." Except for this one guy, who refused to use contractions. "I bought it, but like they got stolen."

...Komachi gave him a blank stare, before sipping from her oversized beer mug.

I haven't done much, after the rainstorm. The human village is surprisingly droll, when it's not going completely insane.

"Dude, help, please!" The guy brought his hands together, begging Komachi.

...Komachi rolled her eyes. "Go talk to~..." She spun around on the bar stool. Running her finger through the air, as if selecting which unfortunate soul would have to converse with her grammarless peon.

She points at the table behind me. "Them." She pats him on the back.

In the next instant, he's over there, in the same position, looking around in confusion.

...I feel like making molotovs. However, there is a barkeeper, and patrons. Either I sneak some alcohol out, or I make the above cease to be.

Considering Komachi, I think I would have better luck with the former.

...One board of the bar counter shakes, before it smoothly folds open, as if designed to open. A fluffle sticks its head out. "hi friends."

Shi~ng!

I don't see exactly what happens, but it's dead now. Komachi brings her mug up to her lips, and starts chugging it.

The plank smoothly closes.

...There's a back door along the right side of the bar, and the counter doesn't particularly block it. If I distract Komachi and the barkeeper, I should be able to take at least one bottle of alcohol without trouble.

The sound of wind blowing was heard from the half of a hole in the wall.

It's quite troublesome how I only have the fire scissors to-...

...Right. I have magic. Template magic, yes, but magic. This should be easy enough, then.

Saw blades.

Komachi turns to me, staring at me blankly.

...Well, that's annoying.

…

"Hello." I greet her.

She just stares, except her expression relaxes slightly, betraying fatigue.

…

How discreetly could I cast gravity?

She looks away, staring into her mug instead.

I wonder if the barkeeper is vulnerable to saw blades…

Komachi's staring at me again.

...I think I see how it is.

I feel like making my saw blade not kill someone.

...Komachi stares into her mug again.

Someone yells in the background. "Dude, I dropped my tendies!" There's the audible, soft thudding of the presumed tendies hitting the floor.

And now I want to kill again.

Komachi stares at me, again.

"What, do you see something you like?" It's not polite to stare.

She rolls her eyes, but doesn't comment.

...I feel like I'm going to go with gravity, though. There should be some good chaos to cause with that.

Again, Komachi no longer focuses on me. She sighs, staring ahead at the wines and such on the rack before us.

My eyes dart around the bar. They settle on the wine rack away from where I plan to steal, which is near the back door.

I place my hands on the counter. "Gravity." The bar's too loud for anyone to really care that I said anything.

Fwooaa~m…!

An orb of darkness expands down from the ceiling, a half of it visible as it casts itself down on the wall immediately behind the wine rack I wished to target. The orb expands to include the wine rack, and once it finalizes itself-

Ba-ba-bam! The racks give-

Sha~tter! A myriad of fine wines and beers are destroyed.

"Wha- oh, damn it…!" The barkeeper grabs his head.

Startled, Komachi springs into action, quickly using her hands and distance manipulation to rapidly save other drinks that continue to fall. Faster than one could blink, she stops entire shelves of drinkery from sliding to their doom, even if-

Shatter!

-she misses a few, here or there. Even so, I had mere seconds before the event ended.

Taking this opportunity, I walk briskly around the right end of the counter, pluck three bottles- as many as my arms could reasonably fit on short notice- and jankily open the back door, before marching off into the back alley.

/ / / / IN THE DARK OF THE FLUFF, FLUFFLES WILL FIND YOU / / / /

Now I need cloth. I am not entirely certain where I'm going to get that…

There was that one clothing store, but it doesn't seem easy to locate, considering the last time I found it was by bumbling about.

Alice would likely require payment. I may have money, but I wouldn't wish to dump it on expendables…

I slip one of the bottles of booze into my bag, only to find it too full of crap to stuff the rest in, and instead hold them in my free arm.

There's a fancy suit in the bag, but I don't feel like ruining that when some basic towels might do. I could, however, ask somebody for some cloth. One of these houses has to be wealthy enough to have a basic necessity like a _towel_.

I think I'll ask around.

Walking along the side of the road, I stop before a house with lit up windows, and walk up to the door…

Knock knock. It's the United States. And we brought a hundred pounds of ballistic freedom.

The door swings open. "He~y!" A young girl with tan skin and pale hair swings the door open smoothly, and leans against the frame. "...You're not Kaneie."

Quite. "Indeed, I am not. I have simply come to ask-"

"Sho-chan, who's that?" A guy leans out from a door frame inside.

"S'that Kaneie!?" Another guy leans out from over the other guy.

"Oh, fuck, Kaine-whoever-the-hell!?" A _third_ guy leans out from the other end of the doorframe.

…

The tan girl turns around, takes off a sandal, and chucks it at the door, causing the three men to retreat. Then, she turns back around. "Sorry about that. What was it you wanted…?" She grins at me.

"Towels." I request. "I am in need of a good towel."

She nodded exaggeratedly, thrusting her chest out each time. "No~ problem. We've got a _lot_ of towels, over here…"

Turning around, she calls out inside. "Hide-ku~n! We need a towel up here!"

"Ye-yes!" A guy stammers from inside, and then there's fumbling.

Patiently, I stand outside as a towel is retrieved from the house's interior. Noises come from inside as the woman also steps inside, likely to allow 'Hide-kun' to hand me the towel himself.

"Oi, Junji, let 'em through, would you?"

"Nobuatsu, don't-!"

Thwack!

"Geheh!" The scraggly voice of 'Hide-kun' squeaked from somewhere inside.

"Death shall come swiftly!" A deeper voice exclaimed.

Bam! "Knock it _o~ff!_ "

Smash! "Oh shit!"

What's going on in there.

"If you boys don't knock it off, you won't get the pri~ze…" The girl from before teases them.

...Everything is quiet except for the frantic footsteps of others. Eventually, the person who I could only assume was 'Hide-kun' was pushed to the door with a towel.

"A-ah…!" He almost fell over from being pushed. Hastily, he ran up to me, and held up the towel. "He-here…!"

I take the bunched up, oddly tan, red, and brown towel from the relatively plain individual. "...Thanks."

"Ye-yes!" He gives me a not-so-confident variant of a confident smile, before swinging the door shut.

…

Well, that happened.

/ / / / TOUHOU: GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL / / / /

Parking in a nearby alleyway, I begin to put down my booze and the towel. I am ready to create the molotovs.

"Hey."

Someone is here, it seems.

Turning to the right, I see a ragged-looking individual slowly stepping up to me. He moves slowly, smiling, but also looks rather tired.

"Some nice booze there." He begins grinning. "Mind sharing?"

"No." I do not trust back alley hobos.

His expression immediately drops. "C'mo~n, buddy…" His hand slides for his pocket on his baggy, brown cloth pants. "I'm thirsty, here."

Lifting my arm into the air and focusing, I nod. "You know what? Sure thing." I focus on the shape of what I want to cast…

He blinked. "...Really, now?"

Then, the saw blade was created. It launched at its typical diagonal angle towards the floor, the man's eyes widening as it fell.

"No."

He tried to throw himself out of the way-

Vrrrr~! It connected with the floor.

Shink! "Aaa~gh!"

The man's lower left ankle- from his view, that is- was removed. Red mist was cast into the air by the blade, which continued forward indiscriminately… until it connected with the back of a house, continuing into it through its wooden wall.

Not my problem, anymore.

"Yo-you motherfucker…!" The man hopped along on one foot, before nearly falling onto the nearest wall, his now-useless left leg bleeding from the angled slice along the bottom. He pulled out a sharp, rusty dagger with his left hand, but there wasn't much he could do with a single leg.

"Ma-mage!" He barked at me. "Fucking good for nothing _mage!_ "

"Poor choice of words for your death throes."

However, I doubt he'll be able to injure me as he is. Although…

"My-my death _what!?_ Say that to my face, magi- _bastard!_ "

I just _did_.

I turn to the booze bottles, careful to keep an eye on his movements. I have a feeling he's got a death wish, by this point.

Running my hands over them, I don't actually do anything. Just run my hands over them, maybe rattle my knuckles on them.

I hear the panting, pained man next to me heave as he hopped along on one foot. "Hua~h!"

He loudly landed on it, a foot ahead where he was before. I turn to him.

…

What was his _plan?_

"Fuck you." He snarls at me.

That, apparently. I have to commend him for its intricacy and detail.

Brandishing my cursed wooden scissors, I twirl them into a position that's easy to stab with.

' _di~e._ '

...Well, someone seems to be angry.

"...Fucking scissors!? No!" The guy seems to want to hop away, before ceasing, choosing to glare at me instead.

And I don't mean him, either.

' _di~e._ '

It's almost a whisper.

' _di~e._ '

Maybe a bit louder.

' _di~e._ '

This is gonna get annoying.

"...The fuck're you staring for!?" The hobo waves his dagger around uselessly. "Never seen a guy you fucking _mutilated_ before!? This magic man's first human eating season, huh!?"

He's _also_ annoying. Time to put him out of his misery.

Stepping towards him, he holds his dagger high as I slowly move around him.

"Hey- hey, fucker… I'll stab you!" He grits his teeth. "I'll fucking kill you! You're not better than me!"

I mean, I have two legs that work… and you don't. That might be an objective difference.

Eventually, I manage to get behind him. He tries to readjust himself to simply lean on the wall, but I move quicker to make sure he can't turtle up against it.

Knowing I wasn't going to waste time, he desperately tries to use his ruined leg to run. He steps on it-

"Aaa-aaa~h!" He manages one step before he recoils the foot violently, probably not expecting it to hurt as gruesomely as it did. He scrapes the open wound on the dirt floor of the village alley, before dropping onto his stomach, his balance destroyed by the pain.

He could potentially also turtle by rolling over, but-

"Aa~h, _fuck!_ Fuu~ck…"

-I don't think he's really thinking about self-defense at the moment.

Quickly, I drop down onto his back with my knees-

"Gehah!?" He starts flailing-

Shink! I slip the scissors into the back of his neck, putting as much power as I could into it to make sure the stab actually worked. I am uncertain how sharp wooden scissors actually are.

"Guuaa~h!" He pushed against the ground ineffectively, before his arms slowly gave.

The scissors briefly glowed, the unholy light softly burning in the shady dark alley.

Then, I saw tendrils, of some form. They were similar to the ones I saw on the Saigyou Ayakashi, if smaller, and less expansive. They stretched down the man's neck, seemingly following above the veins, before stopping, and solidifying.

...Standing and leaning over, I reached for the wooden scissors, then drew them from the man's neck. It detached from the tendrils, which were now wooden, left on and possibly inside the man's body.

Interesting. These deserve a name better than 'cursed wooden scissors', at this point… and so I don't have to say 'cursed wooden scissors' over and over. I think I shall call it…

Chaos Oath.

…

Now, to make those molotovs, at last!

Dusting myself off, I put away Chaos Oath and pick up the towel. Unfurling it, I spread it out to get a good look at the size of it…

There's an image on it- an anime-esque design of Reimu in a red bikini.

Okay.

...Taking out Chaos Oath again-

' _di~e._ '

Be quiet.

-I try to cut the towel with it. I~t's… hmm. Not excellent at towel cutting, comparably.

Putting it away, the thought to use flame scissors briefly crosses my mind, before I dismiss it as incredibly stupid.

So I got one choice…

The pink scissors, obviously.

Taking those out, I try to snip with them.

…

These things probably couldn't cut Play-doh.

I exchange them for the steel scissors, and go to work.

Snip, snip, snip…

After a few minutes of what was probably over-precise and unnecessarily accurate cutting, I had three even pieces of cloth.

I could stick the cloths in now, or wait for when the time is right. I'd rather the latter, so there's no chance for the alcohol to spill. Cloth is not a waterproof sort of substance.

The need for a bigger bag to hold things is dire. The only thing that I'll attract carrying around two big bottles of booze is more hobos. If I stay in the alleys, anyway. I don't _think_ I'd get harassed in broad daylight in the midst of the city's streets.

Fortunately, it's day.

I place the cloths in my left pocket. Taking the bottles in my free arm and putting away my scissors, I progress to the main street…

Cool autumn air offset the somewhat dirty hustle and bustle of the village's populace. I never typically see colorful characters walk the street normally, for some reason…

As I step onto the street side, I hear gasps from the parted bystanders, who've moved to the edges of the road to examine two oncoming individuals…

Two individuals dressed in red and orange clothing stepped down the street, taking their sweet time as they did so. The shorter one was barefoot, though her legs unstained by dirt. She was nuzzling a leaf-swept fluffle, that had no limbs.

"Honestly…" The taller one spoke. "Why do you insist on hanging onto that dust rag? We're in public, you know."

"But it smells _nice_." She insists. "...They're easy harvest."

"Sure they are." I assume the scoffing girl is the elder sister.

The bystanders exchange in kind and unkind words.

"It's the autumn gods…!"

"I-I have to talk to them…!"

"Filthy garden variety gods." ...I never thought I'd hear someone say _that_.

"When was the last time we've even _grown_ crops?" I am fairly confident this village is without farms. That is probably more than somewhat worrying, but everyone seems to be fine, by some strange miracle.

Goddesses, huh? Apparently of Thanksgiving, or something. Who gives a crap about Thanksgiving?

"...I feel a lot more… animosity, than last year." The taller one narrowed her eyes. "Things are never quite the way they seem around here, are they?"

"...Yeah." The smaller one lowered the crippled fluffle. "Something feels like it's missing."

With that, they continued down the road.

...Slowly.

I continued myself, taking care not to step too far into the midst of the street, lest I attract unwanted attention.

Where could I find a bigger bag? Hmm.

I believe the school could have some handy bags around. Hopefully. I'm assuming kids use books, here.

Keine might also not like me, when she sees me. So she won't.

...I'll also need to find somewhere safe near the school to set these bottles down, for the time being.

I step into the village square, and-

Despite the cleared out road that preceded it, the village square was packed today. Hair of many colors, some impossible, filled the village square.

"Dude- that's my cart!" Some guy runs after another guy toting a cart, before leaping onto the cart. "Give it back! Give it _back!_ "

"What the...!?"

...I think I'll take the long way around.

Looking to the sides, I see a path from the fronts of the stands that should be sensible enough to navigate. I move towards the first, unmanned stand, which has no people commuting to or from it, intent on passing it-

Crack! Crack! Crack!

In front of it, three thorny vines shoot out, obstructing my progress. They wiggle in place, doing nothing eventful, except for being obstructive. They were about as tall as me.

...Alright, then. I could either go behind the stand, or wade through a small amount of people to get to the other side of it.

I turn to the left to go around the stand-

Crack! Crack! Crack!

The side and interior of the stand has similar vines shoot up from the floor.

This might become a problem.

I wait for the people to disperse around the first three vines. Once they do, I move around them, and they make no moves to stop me.

Now, I'm between the empty stand, and a stand that sells…

"Concert ticke~ts!" A girl with lilac hair held up some neon blue tickets, of some kind. "Grand instrument palooza, three days!"

... _Some_ people came to the front of the stand.

She sighed. "Hopefully Yatsuhashi's doing better than I am…"

Easy enough to go around. I move behind the line at the stand-

Cra~ck!

A surge of five vines erupts from the floor, getting in my way. A few bystanders stop, and gawk at the sudden disruption, a few wisely moving away from whatever's happening here.

Fwo-Shi~ng!

Bright light flashes up from the edges of the town square, a shimmering surface of some kind encapsulating the square.

"What…?" The girl at the stand blinks. "...Huh."

Other people aren't as collected. "Dude- _no!_ This is because you took my cart!"

"This isn't your _damn_ cart, kid!"

Moving faster, I began navigating towards the midst of the crowd, curious to see what would happen.

More vines erected from the ground around me, some allowing paths through, some blocking convenient ways-

"A- _aaa~h!_ " Some girls screamed, their footing displaced by the vines. A few people were trapped inside the segments I was, and began running like maniacs. For some reason.

The vines weren't even _doing_ anything. If anything, they're clearing the way for me.

I progress towards the center of the square, seeing as they like to push me near the people before immediately scaring off all the people-

...Then the vines were in front of me, blocking the immediate center of the square, _and_ scaring off people.

...In the distance, I saw a stall's sign flip, its blue design changing to a green one. "Get Xavier's anti-weed device here! For only two hundred thousand yen!" He rose an actual, modern weed whacker into the sky. It was one of the cheap kinds you'd see on television infomercials.

The scary part is that people were actually moving to the stand.

The vines that I was no longer near retracted into the earth, leaving behind disrupted dirt.

If this is just going to be random vines getting in my way, then I suppose I don't have too much of a problem.

Marching around, attempting to look somewhat panicked for the sake of people not thinking _I_ was making the vines, I progressed. It was simple trial and error to move around the town square, and the sections between the middle and the rim usually let you walk through without issue.

People got increasingly frantic, however, because vines are apparently deathly terrifying.

"These fair people are under assault!" The girl with the tower hat who offered blessings leaps from her stand. Floating into the air, _plates_ began whirling around her. "Worry not, for I shall protect thee from Mother Nature's cruelest wills!"

People, at that point, tried their luck with the barrier that surrounded the square. As they walked into it, it shimmered, simply stopping them from leaving.

As I watched the barrier shimmer in the sky around me, my eyes rested on the balcony of the Golden Grin casino, which was a good few hundred feet away from the town square.

From the top balcony, someone with green hair was sipping tea, looking directly upon the town square.

When I rest my eyes on the glimmer of green hair and plaid clothing in the distance, the vine before me sprouts a flower.

I immediately feel worse about this.

" _Aero!_ " The flying dish girl casts a wind shield upon herself, before hovering down towards my position, as it's the only position with-

Bam! Bam!

Immense, thick vines shoot out to impede her progress. Her wind shield shimmers as a vine directly jabs at her. "Ehn!?" She's sent hurtling through the air, the plates revolving around her shattering… or falling and then shattering.

I briskly move away from the red flower, as it slowly begins glowing. I keep my eyes on it-

Fwam! A brief, thick spread shot of danmaku fires out, but dissipates mere feet away from where the flower fired.

| _Everyday Gensokyo_ : Yuuka Kazami's Perspective |

...How boring. The tea's fine, though, so at least _that_ wasn't a lie.

She's next to me.

"Having fun?"

"Hardly." When I was told I would get to toy with the human village… I knew Yukari was hiding something. "The last time I held back this much, I was shaking a snow globe."

That's really all this is. It's boring.

Yukari made an irritatingly smarmy face. "Well, if it's really _that_ tedious for you, you may exercise a _little_ less discipline."

Please. "And the flying dishwasher?"

"Oh, you can just destroy her. She's asking for it." Yukari folded a fan before her face, to hide her smile.

...

"Who are you to tell me how to play with my toys?" I grin back at her. "What would you do were I to break them, hmm?"

"Find out." Yukari dared me.

…

Over some phony deal.

…

"Look, if it's really that bad…" Yukari was looking for reasons not to piss me off. She was doing a pretty bad job at it. "Make them dance, then, or something. Be creative."

...I _guess_. Actually…

...Oh. I've been spotted. How unfortunate.

She's gone.

/ / / / FREAKIN GENSOKYO: MATT'S PERSPECTIVE / / / /

Power walking down the middle of the vine maze, flowers of varying worrying colors begin spawning atop some of the vines that get in my way.

A yellow flower blooms on a vine ahead of me. As I walk by it-

Zap.

...Ouch. It stung me, a little.

I stare at it, giving it a slightly mean stare before I start walking a-

Zap.

Annoying thing.

Quickly hurrying away from it, I see blue flowers bloom as I walk by them…

If these things are all elementally balanced, I'd really rather not stick around to find out what _water and electricity_ do together.

In the distance, a huge, bulbous, yellow flower blooms in the town square, tearing dirt from the ground as it rises.

The floating girl glared down at it. "Begone, vile plant!" She threw her arm out, plates rushing to meet it-

Shatter!

-before breaking on its side. Then-

THWASH THWASH THWASH

The girl's juggled so high by the electrical blasts that she soars into the sky, somewhere. The barrier shimmers really high up, stretching far into the sky, apparently.

I attempt to get on track for the road towards the school-

Crack, crack, crack. A whole _line_ of vines, in the way. Atop each of them, a red flower blooms…

Backing up, letting them fire their wall of short-range danmaku, I continue to the left, intent on going around them, somehow.

Bam!

"Xavier's _stand!_ "

Xavier, the raving lunatic, gapes before his stand, the wind girl lying in the crashed ruins of it. I say 'lying', but it's more like 'swirling around helplessly inside her wind bubble'.

"What have you done to Xavier's discount prices!?" Xavier bellows. He removes his shoe, and tosses it at the wind shield-

Vrrrr~. The wind shield destroys it.

...Xavier looks like he doesn't know what to make of that.

Zap. Zap.

Two more mildly annoying bolts jolt me, keeping me on the move.

Zap. One erects near Xavier, and zaps him.

"Enough!" Revving up the discount weed whacker, Xavier holds it to the sky. "Xavier will have his revenge!"

And so, he attacks the electric flower with it.

Vrrr~!

...It got a _few_ petals.

Vrrr~, vrrr~!

It's worse at its job than I thought.

I was being pushed towards his position by the vine maze's structure.

The girl floated into the air, again. "Th-this time… I-I'll…"

FWOOSH

A massive geyser erupted from under her, sending her soaring again.

It was at that moment, four fire flowers spawn around me, and fire danmaku without bothering to glow. "Guh…"

At least be _consistent_. That was rather blatantly assault.

However, from here, I see a white flower bloom across the square, lighting up unnaturally bright once its petals fully extend.

"Xavier punishes you!" Xavier was still working on that one lightning flower. A blue flower bloomed behind him, and began shooting bubbles of water at him-

Pop Pop Pop!

He was soaked. He turned to the flower. "Who dares wet the dealer of dis-"

Zap.

"Egegeh!" He jitters violently. Once he stops, he turns to the lightning flower, charred and glaring. "A thousand curses upon your house!"

I begin jogging towards the white flower, even if it's not exactly in the direction of the street I want.

Zap. Zap.

Fwam! I harrowingly avoid another unexpected burst of danmaku.

Xavier gets similar treatment, but the flower stops to actually glow for him to signal that it will fire. Xavier unfortunately takes the time to mock it, instead. "Glowing flower mocks Xavier! It will feel my machine!"

Fwam!

"Oo~h, wa~h!" Xavier wails, sent flying from the larger spread of danmaku.

He soars out ahead of me, and rolls off the top of a few electric flowers.

Zazazazap! They strike him multiple times during their brief contact.

"Gaa~h!" Xavier was having fun.

Eventually, with much moving in a linear direction and ignoring the mean flowers out to maul me, I reach the holy looking flower.

It's glowing irritatingly bright.

Then, I hear a chime of some kind. Green light spreads in a circle around the flower, and it appears as if golden, purely mana-constructed vines spread around the flower and me, for only a moment.

Then they were gone, but I felt better about living. The aching pain the danmaku left me with was gone, and I felt re-energized.

The path I came from was blocked off by a line of vines, which began sprouting water flowers. Then, lightning flowers began blooming all around the holy flower. There was a 'convenient' path that opened, the vines receding. There was another holy flower at the end, but it was back where I started, essentially.

Nope. Not happening.

I turn back to the direction I came-

Splash!

A torrent of bubbles breeze past me, soaking me. Oh, well.

...And then there was the lightning flowers.

Zap, zap, zap!

"Egugegugh!?" _Ouch_.

My muscles spasm, and I stumble for a moment-

Then there's that chime again. More green light stumbles outward, and the golden ivy spawns for a moment, again.

Like that, I was healed from my electric shock therapy.

Of course, she must realize, this means _war_.

Taking my fire scissors, I approached the water flowers, which delighted my face with bubbles, again.

I brought the blade across their midsections, and let fires start. Unfortunately, most of them burned out quickly, due to their wet nature, but I kept at _one_. If it's immune to fire, it's at least not immune to stabbing and cutting.

Zap, zap zap!

"Egeguhgugh!?"

…

That chime was becoming _deafeningly irritating_.

As I healed again, I stabbed through the middle water flower vine-

Shink!

-and wiggled through the two other ones. They continued to shoot bubbles in the wrong direction, and ended up wetting the holy flower.

Zap, zap, zap!

It exploded after being electrocuted, casting one last healing spell that missed me entirely. Thankfully, I wasn't there to be electrocuted or soaked, either.

I marched ahead, until another wall of vines appeared before me. These ones were electric-based, it seemed…

Kneeling, I put down one of the bottles of booze, and cork it open-

ZaZaZaZaZap!

"Gh…" They hurt a lot less when you're not wet, let me tell you.

I pull a piece of the Reimu bikini towel from my pocket, and pour some booze on it. I stuff the alcohol-laden rag into the bottle, and ready my fire scissors again.

I swiped it across the rag.

Fwoosh. It was alight.

Holding it up high, I tossed it at the wall of electric vines.

Shatter!

Fwoo~m.

Flaming alcohol covered the electric vines. They lashed around, writhing violently, jerking and spasming, before flopping over, practically disintegrating under the brief flame's wrath. The vines that acted as walls around them lit alive too, crinkling into awkward angles before they became ash. Embers were thrown into the air from the vines that burned.

...Slowly, they went out, the ashes still smouldering. The vines in the torture circle that I escaped stopped casting repeatedly. The vines attacking Xavier suddenly paused, allowing him to take out a sweat rag to wipe himself with.

...Bam! That wind girl fell from the sky, bouncing off the floor within her wind bubble.

I looked around. Everything seemed to halt for a moment.

In the distance, upon the balcony of the Golden Grin casino, a red light shone brightly, for only a moment. It was enough to catch my attention.

Bam, bam, bam, bam!

The barrier around the town square began cracking, the entire infinitely stretching cylinder breaking into a spider web pattern, but still holding in place, for now.

Four large, red flowers, twenty feet tall, stuck up from the earth. They aimed their petals straight up into the air…

Fwoom, fwoom, fwoom, fwoom!

They each fired a spread of three fireballs into the air, all the size of houses, flying straight up.

"Woaa~h!" Xavier was flung by a large, maroon red vine. After it erected, it began to hang in the air in my direction, as it slowly accelerated, tearing through the dirt flooring as it seemed to glide near me, in a way.

Quickly, I gathered my things, and began moving. It had little control over where it went after it accelerated, but I could see drops of lava and embers drip from the hanging portion of the vine. After it clearly missed me, it retracted into the earth.

The fireballs fired into the air exploded. The sky was orange, inside the barrier. The firestorm overhead began to rain down embers, much to the discontent of the bystanders who were hugging the walls…

"A-ah!" The wind girl stabilized herself, at last. "The good towns people! No!"

Whirling towards the people, she began sending out plates to redirect the embers that fell, trying to protect the lemmings.

"Xavier will die for town and nation!" Xavier lets out his war cry as he bolts for one of the huge fire flowers.

I look at the torture circle of vines, which is still 'alive', but very, very idle. It'll probably burn soon, but…

I dash towards the fire flower-

Crack! The lava vine erupts before me, and slowly tilts towards me. I navigate past it, and run towards the fire flower. As I get close to it, the petals tilt towards me, and a shower of flames forces me to stay back.

Holding up my arm, and strafing in case that one vine got any funny ideas, I begin to cast a saw blade. Throwing my arm forward, it existed.

Vrrrr~!

The saw blade landed in the floor, rolling forward.

Shi-shi-shink!

It tore into the plant's base, ripping up the bulby bottom of it. The plant stopped spewing fire momentarily, jittering as it was disrupted by the saw blade.

Sliding out my dash scissors with my free hand, I close the distance between myself and the fire flower with a few quick slides.

Now I'm under the petals.

Under here, I continue strafing. That lava vine eventually cracks up from the floor again, and it tracks me. I lead it into the plant…

...All it does is displace and tilt it a bit. The roots are apparently pretty hardy.

I slip out Chaos Oath.

' _di~e._ '

I'm explicitly trying _not_ to.

I channel my mana into it…

My arm's blood begins to pound, and the pounding sensation spreads throughout my body. As my body and muscles twitch and ache from the sudden intensity, I quickly stab the scissors into the plant, and hold the scissors there.

 _fwwooa~h_

A loud hum is heard as it glows brightly, the unholy light offsetting the deep amber glow of the burning battlefield.

Tendrils spike out, rapidly binding the entire large flower. The green color of the plant's chlorophyll begins to fade to a dull brown, which slowly gives way to an even unhealthier blackish grey.

The tendrils extend over the petals, the plant jerking and shimmering unnaturally as they spread.

Once they unite in a mesh over the plant, they stop. I tear the scissors from the plant, and pocket them, cutting my mana to it. I stumble backwards as the tendrils turn from black into a grey wood.

I'm not bad enough to fall over, fortunately. Just enough to feel like I should be, because that thing makes you _dizzy_. Hmm~...

...The black petals of the dead fire flower begin to turn a pale grey, before pink color slowly fades into them.

I don't think a certain someone is going to be happy with that.

The mesh seemed to hold the withered and wrinkled bulb base in place, as the flower's petals lazily tipped at an awkward angle.

Fwam. A pink, awkwardly shaped mass of energy shot out. It left blurs in the air as it fell to the floor, falling short of anywhere useful-

Fwoaa~m. It expanded into a black circle, with a pink rim. Cherry blossom petals seemed to float out of the hole, propelled by an undefined wind. After a few moments, the hole closed up.

Well. That was interesting.

...The three other fire flowers all tilt their petals towards the now alien one.

Uh oh.

The red flowers begin glowing, so I run to the side to avoid being caught in the crossfire.

Then, all three of them fired vibrant, orange beams. They collided with the corrupted flower, and went out after a few seconds.

The corrupted flower was an inferno for one moment, and gone the next.

That's unfortunate.

The embers from above began to stop, the fire storm overhead ending.

"Thy prayers have been answered!" The wind girl soared towards the one Xavier was working on, plates whirling around her. "I shall vanquish these youkai!"

Xavier had beaten his weed whacker against the flower to the point that the blades snapped off entirely, leaving him with a cheap plastic stick. "Xavier can handle youkai Xavier's self!"

She crossed her arms, and did a sassy pose. "Heaven Sign! Rainy Iwafune!"

Hovering through the air, raindrop shaped objects began to appear everywhere she flew. Then, each shatters into thick drops of water danmaku as she leaves. Like this, she cycles over all three of the fire flowers.

Thwa-thwa-thwack! Loud noises came from Xavier's head, as danmaku raindrops bombarded it. "A thousand curses, Taoist nincompoop! Xavier mocks you!"

I stand back, and watch the rain. Blue light washes over the battlefield.

…

After a few moments, however, it ends. The flowers are in sad shape, very much wilted. They aim up at the wind girl, but all they can manage are dinky fireballs that succumb to gravity.

 _Shatter!_

The grand barrier explodes into many, many large and small fragments. They fade into the air, unlike glass might, and cease to exist.

The pedestrians promptly run like hell. "Holy shit!"

"I-I'm alive! _I'm alive!_ "

"God _damn!_ What a bar story!"

"...I'm sure Yatsuhashi is having a better time, right now."

...I look back at the balcony.

It's empty.

...Hmph. I had plans to pay her a visit, too.

...Where was I? Oh, right. Bigger bag.

I begin walking off towards the direction of the school, now unobstructed by either a crowd, or vines.

/ / / / THE BOY WHOSE SKULL WAS CRUSHING HIS BRAIN / / / /

Outside, along the side of the school, I sat down the booze on the floor, carefully hidden by a broken desk that was left back here. That way, no hobos should see it. Not that hobos should be around the school, unless they feel like educating themselves with discarded textbooks and worksheets.

I begin walking along the side of the building, looking to see if there was an easy backpack to snag or something, if they have backpacks in the ancient-as-hell era.

I round the corner, and find a friend.

Yuuka stands there, her arms folded. "I'm not interrupting anything, am I?"

Yeah, maybe. "Oh, of course not. Is there a problem, madam?"

"Not particularly." Yuuka idly tilted her head. "You seem to have been busy."

Hmm. "Busy? I'm not sure I follow."

She snorts. "...You imply _one_ of us is an idiot."

I blink. "An idiot? Oh, I would never. Whatever do you mean?"

…

She grabs me by my collar in one fluid motion. In the next instant, we're at the brick wall around the school, which was at least twenty feet away.

Bam!

Not… that it matters… when you're in pain…

"Don't waste words." Her eyes are narrow as she holds me against the wall. "Playing diplomat here will only get you killed."

...I'd ask her how I'm not dead yet, but I'm pretty sure I would then promptly die.

She lets go of me. "Infants should be honest. It's not good to tell fibs." Then, she backs away towards where she was.

Maybe that's the reason I lie a lot.

"Now, where was I…?" She brings a hand to her chin. "Oh, right. Since _one_ of us is an idiot, I'll make my questions blunt."

I think she's butthurt.

"How many lives have you taken?" She questions.

"Didn't keep count."

For awhile, she just stares.

"...How many youkai?" She has a half-smile, of sorts.

"Only two."

She snorts, nodding.

…

"Have you pissed anyone off yet?" She folds her arms again. "Besides me."

"Plenty, don't even get me started." It's a pretty long list.

…

"Tell me…" She looks to the side, not fully paying attention to me. "Do you know what a 'perspective' is?"

I… am not sure what she means. Genuinely so. "Don't have a clue. Might have heard of it before."

"Who?" It's more of a command than a question.

"Brad." Obviously. I'm sure this is his fault in some way, too.

…

"Those are some interesting scissors you're carrying." Yuuka's eyes lock on my bag.

Oh, boy. "I have plenty of interesting scissors." You know. All two, three pairs, discounting the blatantly steel ones.

"And I take it you think you're its chosen wielder." She states.

"Not really." I admit. "It really seems to hate me."

Yuuka grins. "...Oh. Then I suppose it wouldn't mind if I killed you?"

"You know, I don't think it would." I reflected. "It might even appreciate it."

She sighs. "Ho~w unfortunate. I suppose it will have to suffer."

Called it.

"Yukari made it quite clear," she began, "that 'perspective holders' such as herself are not to be disturbed… which basically amounts to 'slain'." She nods. "She is no problem. However, as of current, she sees the death of two weak mortals as something of such importance as to threaten battle with me."

She leans against the wall, and yawns. "You're not worth a few hundred years, kid. But…" Then, she grinned widely. "Keep killing. You'd do it no matter who tells you not to."

She begins walking away, breaking from the wall. "Someday, I will find you, and I will kill you. And what is yours, will become mine."

…

She's many feet away before she speaks again. "If you're not dead by then."

Oo~h, don't worry. Us humans only live to one hundred… at a stretch.

…

After a few moments, she hovered down from above. "Oh, yeah. Yukari wanted me to give you some crap. It's a gift from Youmu."

Run.

I turn, and run in the opposite direction-

Shi~ng!

...I turn as the ground vibrates softly. Yuuka is nowhere in sight.

A pair of rusty hedge cutters sit where I was moments ago, embedded in the dirt.

Now I _really_ need a new bag.

/ / / / BACK TO SCHOOL SHOPPING / / / /

The windows of the school fail to show me anything more than desks, tables, and chairs. There were some cubby holes along the walls inside, however. If those don't hold bags, they do not deserve to exist.

The only problem was that it was midday, and class seemed to be in session. It also seems that more people teach at this school than just Keine.

Keine would probably annihilate me on sight. Which means…

I take my new suit from my bag, as well as the fox mask that I had acquired earlier, and don them. It takes a few moments of adjusting, struggling, and furious tugging, but I manage to secure the suit on myself.

The mask isn't terribly comfortable, but I expected as much. I'll probably get used to it.

It was white, reminiscent of a fox, with long red stripes running up the nose and along the eyes.

With my new outfit equipped, I adjust my spiffy bow tie.

Now… if I want to keep things neutral, I should _probably_ use the front door.

Moving around the school's side, I walk in through the front door without much notice. There's no one at the front reception desk, even if I can hear the sounds of class commence down the halls.

Good security.

...I heard rapid footsteps coming from behind. Quickly, I stepped into one of the halls, and moved behind the doorframe.

Whoever was running inside didn't have the mind to think what I did was suspicious. They ran through the same hall I entered, and I saw the frantic person.

Baggy red pants. Long, white hair. This seems to be Fujiwara no Mokou. At least, I know that much.

"Damn, where the hell…" She looks around at each door hastily. "Not at her house, and not in her office…"

She sprinted forward, skidding to a halt before a closed door. Then, she swung it open, moving inside the room and shutting the door.

...Well. That was interesting.

I tried to move, but found my foot impeded by something fluffy.

Looking down, I saw a fluffle. "i came to get an education!"

No.

I move my foot over it, and bring it down. A soft brushing sound is made as the fluffle collapses into dust, my sneaker crushing it.

These halls have no lockers. I don't think high school is a thing, here.

Walking forward, I keep my eyes open for a classroom with open doors. I eventually pass the room Mokou went into, and stop before it. Standing next to the door, I listen in…

"-you not see what just happened!?" I probably didn't need to eavesdrop to hear that.

Someone else sighed. "...Yes, I did see it." Sounds like Keine. "There was a barrier, though. I couldn't do anything about it."

Mokou growled. "Well, we at least have to find who the hell did that… We're lucky the flying dishwasher was there to soak up glory, or the entire village square would've been toast."

"...Where do we begin?" Keine questioned, sounding unenthused. "I'm not sure if I can help, Mokou. I am in desperate need of getting this school back in order, after my extended absence."

...Mokou huffed. "Damn."

…

I heard footsteps towards the door. "Alright. Thanks, Keine."

"Sorry I can't be of more assistance…"

I begin walking away from the door, minding my own business.

The door swung open, followed by Mokou exiting the room.

I meander away in a casual manner. Mokou turns, eying me idly for a moment, before briskly walking off.

She pauses, though. "...Hey. You see what went down in the square?"

I was not facing her, at the moment. I keep walking.

Mokou rolls her eyes. "He~y. You."

Maybe if I round a corner, she'll leave me alone. Continuing down the hall, keeping my pace casual, I hear her gradually pace after me.

At the end of the hall, I round the corner.

On the right, a door is open. Progressing towards it, I feel my pace tighten and slightly increase as I eagerly set inside.

It's an empty 'classroom', except with tables, and lower quality than the rest of the classrooms. No one was here, and it looked more like a shop class, of some kind. Except without the things that made it a shop class, except for a few bolted on hooks that hung from the walls.

Large windows were at the back of the room. Walking up to one of the large windows, I stood there.

It can't be opened, contrary to previous belief.

Well. Guess I'll just… stand here, then.

I hear someone step past- and into- the room.

"The least you can do is give me the _time of day_." Mokou seethes. "I know you class act types can't stand me, but would it kill you to give me a fucking word edgewise?"

"It is early in the evening." I stare up at the sky outside the window. "And the sun is still high."

…

"That was so funny I forgot to laugh." Mokou's contempt was palpable. "Alright, whatever. See ya."

With that, she walked off, displeased.

That was easier than I had anticipated.

Sadly, there is nothing in this room for me. I should try the other wing of halls. _Someone_ has to have left their doors open, for their noisy students to project their madness onto the outside world.

Moving out into the hall, I don't see Mokou at all. I continue down the hall, but notice a new door open on the right. It was Keine's door.

"Say, Keine…" _There's_ where Mokou was.

The teacher addressed her solemnly. "I already told you…"

"No, no, s'not about the square." Mokou quickly adjusted the topic. "...This one teach 'a yours, he-"

"Oh, I don't want to hear it." Keine sighed. "You always have a problem with the staff here. I can't keep mediating your interactions."

"Am I wrong, though?" Mokou sounds defensive.

Keine takes a moment to consider. "...Not usually, no. Although it usually doesn't matter, overall…"

"Look- it's the one with the outsider suit." Mokou described my attire. "You know, that really stuffy looking kind? All black, kinda like a coat, sorta. Except not quite as… tough, I guess."

…

"I don't remember hiring a teacher like that." Keine spoke flatly. "You mean a tuxedo, right?"

Mokou shrugged. "If that's what they call 'em."

I should _probably_ move with haste. It is now the time to speedrun this.

I begin running down the hall, past the open door.

Keine tenses up as I pass. "Ah- hey!"

Drawing the sleek black scissors, I begin sliding ahead, one awkward movement at a time.

Mokou and Keine run into the hall behind me, but I'm already at the other end when they even think of chasing me. I think of taking a look back, and almost do-

Bam! I slid into the wall while moving forward. Awkwardly, I stumble away from it, before I continue through the front lobby.

" _Get 'em!_ " I hear Mokou roar from somewhere in the previous hall.

Sliding across the lobby, I attempt to slide smoothly around the corner into the second hallway the school had to offer. My shoulder clips the wall weakly, disorienting me slightly, before I continue my slapdash haste.

There's a door open ahead, along the left wall. I try to veer towards the left, and end up crashing against the left wall multiple times. Forced to slide with my shoulder against it, I use it to instead stabilize myself somewhat, ignoring the uncomfortable brick surface that ate at my clothes.

Bam! I slid into the open door. Throwing myself into the classroom, I looked around sporadically.

Children gasped. The teacher, some woman with brown, bobby hair, stepped away from me with wide eyes. "E-eep!"

...Looking around, I laid my eyes on the cubby holes on one end of the room. As I move for them, I double back and grab the door, slamming it shut. _Then_ I move for them...

"Is-is that a youkai!?" Kids begin speculating.

"He's got a weird mask! Of course he is!"

"I-I…" Some girl began crying immediately.

"Whatever. I'll just bully that _nerd_." What a hero.

The teacher kneeled behind her desk. She didn't seem to be idle, however…

I look into one of the cubby holes, and almost reach inside. I retract my hand when I see a fluffle inside, trying really hard to be scarce, for some reason. I don't have time to kick its ass, so instead I go to the next cubby hole, and reach inside…

I grab something that took up the whole width of the cubby hole. Pulling it out… I find that it was a vomit-green, worn backpack. That'll have to do.

Taking it over my shoulder, I run past the desks. A few restless kids seem to have gotten up, but they weren't doing anything remotely near me, so I ignore them.

The teacher pops back up from under her desk, holding a _crossbow_. "Ge-get out of my _cla~ss!_ "

Stopping before the window, I turn to her, and make a slitting motion with my thumb against my neck.

Leaping as high as I can, I activate my slide mid-air, and-

Shatter!

Shielding my face with my arms, and keeping my legs tucked in, I manage to only clip my shoes on the bottom of the window seal. I spiral forward, my arms taking most of the impact as I roll.

Fwoosh! A crossbow bolt flies out above me.

...Somewhat surprised that I did an entire roll, having not planned it, I ignored the discomfort from the impact in my limbs, and just threw myself into a vaguely standing position. From there, I kept sliding.

The door slammed open inside the classroom. "...Keine, in here!"

I neared where I stashed the hedge cutters and the booze. Conveniently losing my balance near them, I took the moment on the floor to half-assedly stuff them in- the booze, at least. Stuffing the hedge cutters under my arm, I feel my left leg disagree with me as I use it to stand again. Fortunately, I win the argument, and keep throwing myself along.

Before I know it, I'm throwing myself down the village street, trying to find the nearest alleyway to duck into. I find a good one- by that I mean the first one I see- and slide into it, somehow ending up sliding backwards on my rear into it as my balance does a one-eighty.

From the floor, I scramble to huddle against the wall.

...Shielded by the roof's slight overhang, I look outside. I see Mokou soar off from the school grounds, taking to the air with her arms blazing, searching for me. Keine is at the school gate looking around, and the teacher's at her side with that crossbow.

...Skittishly, I slowly backwards-crawl deeper into the alley, and make no abrupt movements as I round the corner into a deeper portion of the alleyway.

…

 _Now_ I can relax. Exhaling, I let my crap drop to the floor beside me.

That was somehow harder than killing a person.

...I think I'll just take a moment to not be dead.

/ / / / AIR BASE: COVERT ASSAULT / / / /

...That's a bit better. That was ten minutes, for those of you not paying attention.

I stare up in the vague direction of the midday sun from the alley floor. The hobo life, indeed. Though, with this suit, I suppose I could be referenced as a professional bum.

Someone steps up to me in the alley, again. I have a feeling poverty is going up, in this town…

I turn to address them.

It's a green-haired, cat-eared fellow. She's quite slender, too.

"That insufferable school seems to be back in business." She notes, folding her arms. I also just noticed that she has eight entire katanas stuffed between each of her _fingers_.

Kitten.

"I, too, attempted to besiege it." She huffs. "It took me the better of two days for my arm to work the right way again."

"For what purpose did you attack it?" I'm genuinely curious.

...She rolls her eyes up. "Oh, don't tell me you feel some sort of moral _obligation_ towards human children."

Moral obligation? Me? Haa _haaaa_ \- "No, I meant, do you just despise education? Were you beaten by books as a kitten?"

...She gives me an exasperated stare. "...It was my realm of operations within this village. Before that disgusting human sympathizer reclaimed it when I was not home."

Ah, yes. The disgusting human sympathizers. If only they weren't people who were alive. In fact… "Funny thing, that. I think I have just the thing for you…"

Reaching over for my crap, I take the one bottle of booze from my bag, and the other from the ground next to the backpack.

She narrows her eyes. "What are you suggesting? I haven't time to waste on alcoholic beverages. I am far from the common waste of life humanity exhibits."

"Is it a good idea to drink alcohol after it has been ignited?" I ask of her.

...She blinks. "Not particularly, no."

I bring both booze bottles into my left arm. Reaching into my pockets, I take out the bunched up rags and shove them into my left hand. "I share your sentiments."

...She seemed to not put two and two together. "I have no idea where you aim to go with this combination of items. You're not instilling confidence, you know."

"I know exactly where I'm going."

Spinning out the flame scissors, I ignite a rag by snipping one end slightly.

"To Hell."

...After staring at the slowly igniting rag and the booze, her face lights up. "...My _word._ "

Sliding away my flame scissors, I use my now-free hand to hold the rags out for her.

She carefully takes them, making sure not to let her katana hands get in the way, then moves to take the bottles.

I nod at her. "Have fun."

A catlike grin is the reply I receive, before she skips away towards the school. Keine and the teacher had left the front gate by now, and Mokou was likely out searching for me.

It's good to know I made someone's day.

/ / / / LAZY AFTERNOONS / / / /

My bag is still on me, around my waist and conveniently forgettable until the plot demands it, but the backpack is a sort more clunky. It has to go around my back, and everything. It probably has a lot more storage, though.

I am now curious as to whether or not Gensokyo has any hardware stores. This does not include the Kirisame magic shop, either, which was more like a magical hardware store. There's a distinction to be made, here.

In any case, I decided to ask around in the town square, which has managed to repopulate in what had to have been thirty minutes to an hour, at most.

I walk up to the stand of the amazing flying dishwasher.

"...Oh?" She looks up from the sudoku puzzle she was working. Then, she slowly glares at me. "...A simple mask entrepreneur, art thou?"

Oh, yeah. Already forgot I was wearing this. Near-death experiences do that.

"I'll buy ten." Yes.

She jerks her head back. "...Ten of wh-"

"I'll buy ten." Definitely.

...She seems to have relaxed a bit. "I see. Well, no, I do not."

"A shame." How disappointing.

"I am unknowing of the object of thy desire." She seems frustrated, her brows slowly furrowing. "Words go far… _sir_." The last word comes out forced.

"Can you bless weapons, madam?" I inquire. "So that they may cause more violence?"

"A thousand blessings would never do a beast so well." She scoffs at me. "Relinquish your mask, and then we may talk."

"I'll give you a million yen." That I don't have.

...Initially, she narrows her eyes, flinching back, before slowly de-fluffing. "...Willst thou?"

"No." I shake my head.

She slouches. "Neanderthal."

"I still want a blessing, though." For shits and giggles.

"...Well, if thou art willing to pay, I suppose." She huffs. Kneeling under her desk for what I assume are the necessary materials, she continues. "One thousand yen."

Sure.

Reaching into my pocket, I take out the required yen. I also take out the steel scissors I've used to kill people, which actually has a few unfortunate stains near the tip, and along the side of it.

She eventually emerges from the desk with some stones, candles, and a few charms. "...Alright. Wouldst thou provide the object I am to bless?"

I place the blood-stained scissors on the desk. The stains were deep colors, by now.

Her eyes widened slightly upon seeing them. "...Those?"

I nod. "Yes."

"...Those stains." She leans over them. "You make me suspect."

"Found 'em." I state blandly. "Might be evil, or something."

At that, she nods. "...In that case, I believe thou mayst very well be within reason to seek my services."

She begins placing the stones around the scissors, after moving them to the midst of the desk. She makes six distinct points with these stones, and then begins placing the charms between each. Candles are lit on either side, burning dimly with white flames.

Holding her hands above the scissors, she began speaking. "...Shhh~... Steel tools, of thoughtless toil. Be again used in utility!"

Her hands flickered with a bright light, and a six-pointed star briefly flashes between the stones she placed. The candles blaze, before going out with the hush of a strong wind.

The charms stuck in place, despite the wind. Once the lights had all vanished, which only took under a couple seconds, the charms allowed themselves to be scattered.

Futo, as I think she was called, sighed. "It is done."

For a moment, a foggy pattern of white light washed over the steel scissors, before fading to little more than an occasional, mysterious shimmer.

From there, she gives me some parting advice. "...I recommend bathing them."

Good. "...What do they do now?"

...She was puzzled. "They're holy."

Oh.

/ / / / THEY'RE HOLY, SON / / / /

Walking down the village road idly, I take note of the generic, brown-clad people as I walk by. I get some funny stares from my mask, but no one gives enough of a shit to confront me.

And then there's someone that catches my eye, in a white suit. She reminds me of Yuuka, except her hair is red, and she doesn't have anywhere near the level of presence that Yuuka carries.

She seems to see me too, and surveys my black suit. Grinning, she begins floating over, apparently not being subtle about having powers.

As she slows, I feel some kind of flow…

"Hey, you know, I like that kind of suit!"

As she lands, stepping towards me, she grins.

"But, yours is dark and black and really smooth!"

I nod. "Why thank you, madam."

...Then, as if waiting for a response she didn't get, she cringes back. " _Yeo~w_ , dude. You missed the beat."

...I tilt my head.

"Y'know, the beat?" She tilts her own head. "We all got a little groove."

"I have no idea what you're talking about." It seems insanity comes with wearing a suit.

"U~gh…" She groans. "Alright, lemme just…"

She begins clapping her hands.

Cla-clap. Cla-clap. Cla-clap. Cla-clap. Cla-clap.

"Your suit, is black, and dark, and cool, and stuff."

Simply elegant. Such ways with words. So witty.

"You just have to feel it! Words can really stick!"

Honestly, I'd really rather not.

She spun as if I struck her with an oversized club. "Wowow~ _ow!_ You tone deaf, dude!?"

I shrug. "Well, I haven't thought of myself that way." I know quite well that I am.

"You should show up at the concert, in a few days." She became relaxed again. "Maybe you can learn a thing or two about keepin' to the beat!"

Again, I'd rather not.

With that, she began floating away, to the curiosity of the passing pedestrians. "Catch ya later!"

...She may look like Yuuka, but is in fact nothing like Yuuka. And Yuuka is sexier.

I still need to know where I can find a good hardware store. There's some dude with brown hair and brown rags passing by me. I grab his shoulder-

"Ah- get off me!" His eyes widen upon focusing on my mask, and he pushes me away, before sprinting off.

That could have gone better.

...In the sky over the village, I see a smoke cloud rising from somewhere behind the many houses that stand between me and whatever the source is.

Looking around, I rose a finger as a generic woman passed in front of me. "I have a question, miss."

She reached for a pocket on her dress, keeping a distance. "Wh-what?"

"Where might I find a hardware store?" It was an important question.

...She backs away a bit. "...A-a youkai like you should just go to the Kourindou. That's the only place animals like you should be buying from!"

With that, she turns and sprints, her hand still in her dress pocket as she books it.

...Kourindou. I have no idea what or where that is.

Let's see if I can get a few more answers before the next person flees in terror at my presence.

There's another guy with black hair and a worn face walking by. I get in his way, raising a finger. "Excuse me, good sir. I would like directions to-"

He pushed past me, glaring. How rude. I'm actually being _polite_ , here.

Some girl with long, braided brown hair but short stature begins to walk by, coming out of an alleyway.

I get in her way. "Excuse me, miss. If you would please-"

"Don't youkai like you have noses, anymore?" She gives me a disinterested stare.

"Am I supposed to already tell you're a piece of shit?" The common pedestrian is an asshole.

She grinned. "Not exactly. You were supposed to already see _this_ coming."

Floating back and into the air, a staff generated in her right hand, and a book in her left arm. The tome floated open, and her staff began glowing. " _Aerora!_ "

Fwoosh. A rather quaint ball of wind fell from her figure, and to the floor, slowly progressing towards me.

...I sidestep the slow windball. It slowly turns to try and move towards my new destination, but I keep stepping away, because it's just that pitiful.

Looking up at her, I cast my hand outward. "Gravity!"

 _Fwooaa~h_. The orb of darkness expanded over her. "Ah…?" Once it fully engulfed her, it knocked her from the air. "Eep!"

She landed loudly before me, wincing as her legs took the impact. "Agh…"

"I just want to know where I would find the Kourindou." I ask of her. "Do not try my patience."

She glares at me, ready to sling another spell, before relenting. "... _Fine_. Take the Hakurei path, until you see the first- and only- left turn. If you take that path, you'll find a building at the end, off the trail."

With that, she continued to stare at me scornfully.

"Many thanks." I wait for her to depart.

…

"Well?" She huffs. "Go."

"You first." I'd rather not get shot in the back by anything- which reminds me…

I step out of the way of the wind ball, again. Just in time, too.

Seething, she raises her staff into the air. It glows with brown light- " _Quake!_ " -before she slams it into the floor.

Bam! The ground shakes violently, dispelling the wind ball and throwing everyone within a ten-foot radius off their balance. Many pedestrians flew to the floor, practically thrown upside down, but I merely slid onto my hands.

With that, she soared back into the alley with speed, floating through the air.

Oh, okay. Fuck you, too. I thought she was trying her luck again.

...I suppose I should be off to find that store, then- if it's even there.

/ / / / I WAS AWFULLY GLAD TO SEE THIS BIG MARINE / / / /

I walk up to the guard at the exit gate.

He throws his hands in the air, going to reel the gate up. "I don't even know, dude. Weird people just keep coming and going…"

With that, he opens it. "Fucking… I don't even know if you're a youkai or not!" He points at me. "Last time I tried to stop a guy in overalls, I got beat the fuck up!"

Oh be quiet. "Either way, I'm leaving. Isn't that correct?"

"Yeah, yeah. When you come back, if you see me at the gate, just _please_ don't kick my ass." He waves me off.

I walk through the gate, nonchalantly waving my hand in the air. "No guarantees."

With that, I was moving down the Hakurei path. I kept my eyes on the left side of the road, finding myself unable to remember if there was even a single left path to take.

Eventually, after ten minutes of walking, I pass the Hakurei Shrine, still not seeing a path.

I wouldn't be surprised if she sent me this way just to rumble with Reimu.

Eventually, however, as I continue towards the lake, I do see a path to the left. I walk across some grass to reach it, and it goes in a forty-five degree angle in the opposite direction of which I was heading. Good.

After taking the long winded path, I caught sight of a gas station-sized building. Stepping towards it, I eventually reached the front door. I pushed it open…

Inside, I saw some people. To the right, behind the counter, was some guy with silver hair. To the left, was a girl with long, purple hair, and a blank expression. Various masks floated around her head, all of different expressions.

A rather surprised-looking mask of some yellow-eyed abomination with a beard replaced the previous mask on her head. "A new person."

The shopkeeper looks at me, appearing tired. "...Looks like today's a mask-wearing sort of day."

...This doesn't look like a hardware store, even if it has interesting things in it. Various appliances lie in piles- real world appliances- among other things. I see a rather outdated and tiny computer monitor, the screen cracked in by a Rubix Cube that missed stickers.

Along one wall, I could see various other knickknacks on shelves. Small pieces, seemingly mystical stones and ores. There were also seemingly less remarkable things, like what looks like the half-mangled form of a cardboard McDonalds fry holder.

"Quite a collection you have here." I note.

"Mmm." He nods. "I try."

"It's interesting." The girl of many masks monotones.

We all sound very interested.

"I like to look at the things." She plainly stated, as her mask switched to one of some maniac-looking guy with a border of blue dots around the edge.

Indeed. Don't we _all_ like to look at the things?

"...What can I help you with?" The guy questioned me.

...Now that I was in a 'hardware store', I wasn't actually sure what I wanted. "...Do you have any firearms?"

He shrugged. "I have multiple things that have _accidentally_ become firearms, but no."

Well. "Chainsaws?"

He shrugged. "This isn't a hardware store."

 _Son_.

"You'd have better luck with the kappa." He decided. "I'm not very good with motorized anything, to be honest."

"Where _are_ the kappa?" If they can make me a chainsaw, they can make me anything.

"Youkai mountain." He provided casually.

Well. I suppose I haven't anything better to do.

"I like your mask." The girl monotoned. "I have one that's sort of like it. You remind me of it."

"Is that so?" No one here called me a youkai, yet… but I'm willing to assume everyone here is a youkai. Especially mask girl over here.

"Mmm." She gave a subtle nod.

Then, something catches my eye. What looks like a conventional, modern pistol is sitting on a shelf, just within reach.

...Will this really be that easy?

I take it. "How much for this?" If the price is too high, I'll just shoot him, if it has bullets.

"Five hundred yen." He has a half-smirk on his face.

...It might not have bullets. In fact… "Does this have bullets?"

"I don't know." He admits. "Try it out."

I point it at him. "Okay."

I pull the trigger.

Poof.

…

Turning the gun around, I see that a tiny flag has stuck out of the barrel. It says 'bang' on it, in what looks like Courier New font. It's legitimately just black type on white fabric.

Yeah, that figures.

The guy chuckles.

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

CHAPTER 46.5 END

PROTAGONIST: Matthew, the Debatably Sane Outsider, Lord of Edges, Scissor-Slinging Slasher, Insurance Fraud Expert

PRIMARY WEAPON: Chaos Oath - Forged from the bark of the Saigyou Ayakashi, and bent to shape by a masterful magician well versed in the material arts… it's a pair of wooden scissors. Produces low whistles and howls. Channeling mana into it gives user an immense physical boost, but it seems to come at a price… And it seems to be haunted by something that wants me dead.

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - Takes up no inventory space, because it is the inventory space. Has nine slots, and is easily accessible.

Steel Scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Quick Scissorang - Non-elemental scissors that are enchanted to return to the owner with ferocity. Not that powerful of a weapon, but combined with strong string it can be used like a powerful grappling hook. Looks like it belongs in a Barbie catalog.

Flame Scissors - Fire-elemental scissors that have an incendiary effect on strike. Boosts fire magic and abilities, as if I had any. Enchanted to grant 20% fire resistance, and reduce discomfort near fire.

Dash Scissors - Succubus training tool. Allows for horizontal quick-dashes, for dodging and agility purposes. Doubles as scissors for kinky, cloth-cutting occasions. Or stabbing. Sleek, black design.

Blessed Steel Scissors - Stained lightly with fresh blood from a young human female. Sharp, shiny-ish, and to the point! Also blessed...

Steel-alloy String - An experimental item provided by Alice as part of her testing. She uses these herself to manage her dolls, or so I'm told.

A Tuft of Cloth Strings - Pink, regular cotton string. It's soft, and clean.

Bang Gun - _Bang._

(one more space remaining)

[Backpack] - Allows extended inventory, of twenty slots. Can hold larger items, but it takes longer to pull them out. Items inside are safer. It's also baby barf green.

Hedge Cutters - Rusty lawn pruning tool used by farmers to keep the vile hedges at bay. They're also sharp, so they've probably been used more than once in self-defense.

(nineteen more spaces remaining)

PARTY:

Still nobody.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

badada BADA BUM

hi, friends!

writing this authors note like… two weeks after writing the chapter

i remember this chapter being a fun one to write; there was that segment with the ACTION and YUUKA BEING MEAN and waa~u!

also everyday gensokyo, friends, it's cuddly

...doritos: party size l :3

finally named chaos oath… chaos oath. matt wanted it named that sooner but we couldn't find a good CROWNING MOMENT OF AWESOME so we just up and named it so we didn't have to keep calling it cursed wooden scissors

the hedge cutters were planned since like chapter freakin'... like, AWHILE ago, back when i was planning out how i'd get the market gardener, probably well up to six months ago or something

...the molotovs thing just kinda HAPPENED (but it was fun . w .)

oh, yeah, blessed scissors!

they're holy ' w '

so yeah

as always, would appreciate your feedback!

a~nd…

as always, see you all next time!

CO-AUTHOR'S NOTE:

editor x proofreader x co-author here

this chapter was pretty much unintentionally devoted to Chaos Oath, which was named right when it was created long ago, but we didn't have a good enough reason to explicitly name it until now… except we kinda decided to just shoehorn the name in instead

we finally introduced the new mechanics for the scissors, which were… also planned around the time they were made. they may seem like some op oc crap, but we (by we i mean me) devised a specific set of rules the scissors have to follow that aren't entirely obvious at the moment

these chapters don't come out often, so it's easy to make new interesting ideas. the hard part is finding a way to implement them, especially in a way that makes sense. the discrepancy between author and character perspective can be a bit jarring at times, having to decide "i wouldn't know that" and consider whether we should act in a way that wouldn't make sense from the viewpoint of us (the authors), the readers, or even the characters

yeah, the molotovs were just "you know, this would be fun to do"

the blessed scissors do have significance, but it probably won't be shown for a while. depends what happens later on

just because it's dark-ish doesn't mean it's edgy, by the way. it depends heavily on the context and the execution. this ain't no shakespearean drama, so it will have flaws

this isn't really dark though, just moderately serious with black comedy overtones

anyway, thank you for embarking on this journey into a cringy clusterfuck, see ya later!


	58. Yuki-Uno: Gensokyo's Coolest Card Game!

(in which we make an ice friend)

Fluffbrand cereal…

Actually, no. You know what I hate most about fire, other than the 'all encompassing destruction and pain' part? The fact it only warms up one side of you. I gotta like… slowly roast myself just ta be able to freakin' be all warm!

"So, Patchy…" I address the nearby fluff mage!

"Mmm?" She's no longer angry that I call her that! That, or she's just resigned herself knowin' she can't stop me.

"I made a deal with Yukari. Am I stupid?" I begin speaking about my desired topic!

"Yes." She doesn't bother to glance at me from the fire. "Both before and after." Awwh.

...Once I am adequately heated up, I contemplate using my legs to go places. "...Say, Patchy…"

"No." She refuses to say.

"Freakin'- yo, how hard would it to make heated clothing?" I would be able to go a bajillion more places a bajillion times faster if I was a bajillion times warmer. I mean, a few times warmer. I'd probably vaporize at the former number…

"Not hard at all." Patchy shrugged. "Alice would be better at that than I, however. Or anyone else who specializes in enchantments. While I could do it…" She looks around the library's frozen interior. "...I'd really rather _not._ I might make some for myself, however."

What. No~. Oh, well… I guess I'll go bug u~h… Byakuren does enchantments, and I didn't bug the shit outta her like I've done Alice already. Alice is a cool cat and I like that and all, but I'm pretty sure she's going to start asking for actual payment if I keep hanging around her. One of these days, I've gotta bring her like, thirty frying pans. Maybe _then_ she'll make me free stuff!

I turn to Patchy. "How often are frying pans used in Gensokyo?"

...She stares at me dryly. "I'm terrified at what train of logic might've brought you there."

Freakin'... "The Yukari train, yo."

Patchouli snorted. "...That would be apt, wouldn't it?"

Koakuma smiled at me. "Y'know Brad, if you wanna stay warm, we could always…" She seems to be thinking this one through! "...cuddle?" She smiles innocently.

I raise a finger. "Ten points for trying!" With that, I get up. As fun as it would be getting my soul ripped from the skoolatoon inside of me by a sexy she-devil, I don't think I have enough reasons to die yet!

"Y'know, guy, that's not a bad deal. If ya got instant death resist on, anyway."

Oh, shit, that works? Hu~h. I might have to exchange some words with Komachi...

Wait, who… said that?

I turn, and there's a Mima.

…

Idly, I look to my sides, and see many, many tomes, open, primed, and aimed at her.

" _What_ are you doing here?" Patchouli keeps her relaxed stance by the fire, but sounds anything but.

"Aa~h… taking a break from being all pissed off." Mima shrugged. "I mean, I'm kinda more pissed at someone else right now. I'm still pissed at you for not giving me this library, though."

Patchouli narrowed her eyes.

"By the way? Love what you've done with the place." Mima grins widely. "Seriously, everything's _ice!_ That's so cool!"

Mima, kill yourself. Oh, wait…

...Yeah that joke was coming from _miles_ , yo.

"That's a great way of keeping mortals out of your shit. If you can go through walls and crap, I mean." Then, her voice takes a mocking tone, as she pointed a finger at Patchy. "But _yo~u_ can't do that, 'cause you're _mo~rtal_."

"...I'd rather stay mortal, too." Patchy wants this conversation to die.

Mima rolls her eyes. "Missing the bigger picture, here. Reminds me of some other _stupid fucking twat_ who also doesn't see the bigger _damned_ picture…" Her form flares as her attitude flares, making her appear brighter for a moment.

I raise a finger! "You mean Marisa?"

...She stares at me dryly. "You're as tactful as a box of rocks, kid."

You're one to talk, goin' off and droppin' the F-bomb aggressively on us here!

Patchy snorts. "...Are you here because we both hold Marisa in contempt?"

Mima shakes her head. "No, I'm here because fluffles are fu-..." She takes a deep breath. "Fluffles suck. They can't do anything right, and they always gotta be ironic and get their little fluffy faces in _everything._ "

Aww! "That sounds soft, friend…"

...I receive yet another dry stare. "Like, they're more into climbing into trees and looking adorable while they kill the ecosystem one at a time, than they are making war machines."

Hoo~h, that was a long sentence. Guess that's the perk 'a not havin' lungs anymore!

...Patchy raised a brow. "War machines?"

"Yeah." Mima nodded. "The piston walkers, the big fuckin' blizzard wireframe things, the u~hm…" She paused. "There was this tank, I dunno if they're still makin' it. Then there was that really big thing with like… You see this library? The thing could clear it in _seconds_. Man, if I knew how to work some of the stuff they had…" With that, she shook her head. "If only they could _make sense_."

...Patchouli furrowed her brows. "Did you see anything about lances? Or red pots?"

Mima nodded. "Oh, yeah. I brought those guys with me."

"Get out." Patchouli glared at her.

"Aa~h. what!? I _said_ I liked what ya did with the place!" Mima grinned widely. "Can't ya take a compliment, softy?"

Fwoosh. A fireball soared over her head, singeing her ethereal hat.

Mima ducked into the floor, like a freakin' noob.

"Hehehe~!" Her giggle was heard throughout the library as she split.

"..." Patchouli frowned, relaxing again. "Koakuma, fetch me some tea."

Koakuma rolled her eyes. "You just want me to go away, don't you?"

"Actually, I just wanted you to waste an hour thinking about how you'd go about defrosting tea and promptly boiling it." Patchouli shrugged. "...You're a lot more useful when you're not succumbing to your primal urges."

Koakuma pats herself. "C'mo~n! The last time I fucked a guy, I was still in _Makai!_ "

...Idea. I could bring her a guy to consume. _That'd_ get her off my back, potentially… 'cause I'm not entrusting her to avoid eatin' me. That's _not_ gonna happen, yo.

I dunno. Maybe it could be Fred. Freakin' Fred…

"That last time I held a solid conversation with you…" Patchouli trailed off. "Nevermind."

Koakuma grinned. "It was that conversation about erotic literature. I never knew you were into-"

Patchy snapped her fingers.

Fwi-shwo-ti~ng!

Prisms formed around Koakuma, as her form glowed a pale, pastel blue. She opened her mouth, but no words came out.

...After realizing she was silenced, Koakuma stuck up her middle finger.

"...I'd rather you didn't provoke one of the many resident buffoons." Patchy sighed.

Awwh. Guess we'll never know what her fetish is, yo. I _wanted_ to be provoked, too.

Standing up, Koakuma gestured to her boobs, before grabbing her crotch and humping the air.

"...I don't follow, but I like it anyway!" I give her a thumbs up! Lewd charades are best charades.

Patchy giggles. "Al-alright, Koakuma, I still need that tea…"

Deflating and slouching her shoulders, Koakuma proceeds to stomp off in pursuit of the frozen tea.

…

"You don't happen to know anything about that latest visit, do you?" Patchy turned to me, eyebrow raised.

I shake my head. "No~pe. Still thought she was living with the aborigines."

She blinked. "That's not how that word works."

"I know." I nod warmly…

"...Right." With that, she begins floating away, as cuddle mages do. "I'll be enchanting some of my clothing, now."

Honh.

…

As fun as it is watching this desk burn out, I think I'm gonna go…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Outside, it's _chilly_.

Mima is leaning against the wall where Meiling normally is. "Geez. Stiffer than the stiffs back home, right?"

"You'd be surprised, yo." Hohoho~...

She rolls her eyes. "Ri~ght. Well- anyway, listen here… Marisa- didn't she piss you off that one time?"

Eeh. Not… really? More like I pissed _her_ off. "Yep. Blood enemies, yo. Blood."

"Oh, wow. Sorry to hear that." She keeps her expression neutral. "Listen, you wanna be a magician, ri~ght?"

I shake my head.

...She double-takes, before adopting a sardonic, tired look. "Wh-what… what the hell do you want to be, then?"

"Jocker class, yo." I nod in satisfaction.

…

Mima sighs. "Okay, well, I can do that for ya."

Oh, sure. Yeah. Friend, you have 'evil bastard' written all over your face.

"All you gotta do, is help me out a little, yeah?" She smiles, before-

Poof!

A contract is held before me. The writing on it is in freakin' Japanese. A quill pen's poofed into existence, too.

"All you gotta do is sign, and follow some orders." She smirked. "No big deal, right?"

I stare at her frankly.

…

"im softable…" The fluffle nearby is soft.

Mima glances at it idly, before glancing back at me.

Grinning, I throw my arms up. "Do I _look_ like I was born yesterday?"

Snorting, she seems to have anticipated that. "Yes. Oh, we~ll. I'm sure we can form an… _informal_ arrangement, right?" She flicks her hand, and it lights up with a spark of purple light for only a moment. The contract and pen vaporize into magical dust, which quickly glitters out of existence.

I zip my mouth with a hand motion to show I mean business!

…

"C'mo~n." Mima holds out her arms. "What's it you want? Kool-aid? Pretty women? _Power? Revenge?_ "

Yes, yo! Vengeance for the tiny friends!

I begin casually strutting away from her, intent on walking the lakeside… 'cause all things considered, making a deal with someone _fucking obviously evil_ is probably going to get me on shitlists, if not shat on immediately.

...She drifts along with me, her smile looking more and more forced. "Seriously. I don't just offer any asshole this shit. You're obviously special, or something."

Yeah, yo. Specially selected to get _maimed_. No thanks, yo.

I keep walkin'.

…

"Alright." Mima began floating away. "Fuck you."

Oh. S'it… s'it that easy? For some reason, I feel like, uh...

…

She's gone. Freakin' floated through the trees and every-

" _Submit!_ "

Ho~h, shit! I kinda sorta knew it!

With a lunging swipe from like halfway across the freakin' world, Mima's arm passed through my form. Then, she flickered out…

Wh-what the fuck'd she do!? I~... don't feel any different.

My left arm raises on its own, hanging on the air like I was tryin'a do the robot.

...This might be a problem.

"Holy shit…" I didn't mean to say that! "You're scrawnier than I thought, kid…" My arms move to lift my shirt, exposing my stomach to the cold air. "Dude, I can see your ribcage!"

I know I can see my ribcage! I've seen it a lot! "Freakin', waddaya doin' in me!?" I am not okay with bodily possession!

"Checking your stats and shit." With that justification, she lets my shirt fall, and gives me control of my arms again. "Damn. You're like, ten times worse than Marisa was…"

Son. "I come from a different time, yo."

"Yeah, yeah. Th-the outside's full of shitheads like you, I know." She stammers with my voice. "...Damn, you _really_ don't do well with 'T H' sounds." My eyes make a jeering expression.

I throw my arms up exaggeratedly. "What can I say, yo. I was born a lunatic."

She throws my arms down. "Stop doing that. You're not being funny."

Freakin'...! "No, yo! My arms are mine!" I throw them up again! "I can throw them however I want!"

She throws- woah! My legs almost freakin' buckled from her throwing my arms down. "I said _stop_ _doing that_." Woah. That's a lot more power than my voice usually holds! I actually sounded like a serious person, there!

...She notices it, too. "Hey, hey…" I grin involuntarily. She points my arm at a tree. " _You!_ You have _lost!_ "

Yo ho ho!

" _Kneel!_ " She makes me snap my fingers.

 _Fwooaa~m!_

A large sphere of darkness envelopes a tree, shimmering as if stars were inside. Once it fully expanded over the tree-

 _Bam!_ The tree was _flattened_.

"Ho~h, shit…" I blink at the spectacle. "That sure as hell wasn't my mana!"

"No shit." She replies to me through myself. "How are you not dead?"

"Magic." As cliche as that response was, I think it fit!

Bam! I punch myself in the face. Freakin'...

"Don't do that, either." Mima, stop bein' a teacher person. Infact-

I hear someone touch down on the forest floor. O~h boy...

"Hey!" It-it'sa Cirno! "Bushy hair person!" Hey, wait a moment, now…

...Mima doesn't turn me to face her. Instead, we continue to walk forward, progressing towards the edge of the Misty Lake ahead. It's actually kinda sunny, right now, but the light's not blinding me, thankfully. It's a good view!

I hear someone else drift down. "Uh-uhm… his name's Brad…" See? Daiyousei ain't freakin' brain dead.

"Oh." Cirno nods. "Brett!" You're shot, kid…

Mima snorts through my nose. Is she fighting a grin with my face? Well, I'll do her one better, and make _myself_ grin! A~nd… then she makes me frown.

…

"Brett! Eye need you to listen to me!" Cirno yells despite being a few feet behind me, probably. "Eye want you to help me find Hana! She said she was gonna teach me how to be a villain number one some day, and that day is today!"

...I don't wanna know.

"None of that matters, now." Mima barks through my voice, some of her own echoing out for effect, probably.

I can't see the fairies reactions, sadly…

"...Look at this _tiny_ place." Mima folds my arms. "To the heart seeking freedom… this land is a prison. An all encompassing _prison_ of boundaries."

…

"Br-Brad?" Daiyousei stammers.

"And so this boy sought out to escape this prison…" Mima makes my face smug. "...and gave his soul to _darkness_."

That darky darks of darkness, yo! Anything but the ambiguous darkness!

Mima makes me turn around, and my body floats into the- wo-woah…

Everything goes blurry for a few moments. My heart skips a beat-

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: CIRNO'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Woah! His hair's all like, green now, and stuff!

"Ci-Cirno-cha~n!" Dai-chan gets all up next to me and stuff, scared. "I-I think Brad's possessed!"

Pffft. "You know possessings aren't real, Dai-chan! Eye bet Brett's just going through… uhm, what did they call it…" Eno? Emo? Somethin' like that...

Brett claps his hand together, and something goes over my head, but I missed it. It was loud, though!

"A-aa~h!" Dai-chan wails, and- hey!

"Sto-stop messing with my bow…!" It-it's embarrassing! I _like_ that bow! "Dai-chan, stop!"

"It-it was on fire…" Pullin' back her hands, Dai-chan looks like she's about to cry...

...Oh. Ey-Eye think Eye made her upset...

"That's okay, Dai-chan!" Eye give her a thumbs up! "Eye like being on fire!" If it keeps you from crying, Dai-chan!

…

"O-okay…?" Yeah! All better!

"Brad-kun!"

Oh! There's Hana! "Hana~!"

She ignores me, though. She flies up to Brett, 'n' stands right up in his face.

"Don't bother." Brett's voice does that creepy echo and stuff. "Your voice can no longer reach him where he is. His heart belongs again to _darkness!_ "

...Okay, Eye thought he was just playin', but now he's talking about the _darkness_. He's serious.

"...Br-Brad-kun?" Hana backs away slowly…

"All worlds begin in darkness, and all so end. The heart is no different." He holds his hands out, like he's having fun! Eye dunno what all that stupid stuff about hearts is- but _darkness_ … hehehe- no. That stuff's bad.

He holds 'em up higher! "Darkness sprouts within it. Grows! Consumes it! Such is its nature."

"...Yo-you're… What have you done with _Brad-kun!?_ " Yowza! Hana's hands are all static-y!

"Ci-Cirno-chan…" Dai-chan grabs my hand. "We-we've got to run!"

Hana turns around. "Guys, guys, guys… If you help me, I'll share some, uhm… wine from the mansion!"

Dai-chan's eyes light up. "We've got to help her, Cirno-chan!"

...What's so great about some stinky old wine? But, Eye finally get to fight Brett now!

Brett's eyes flare. "...One of you here is older than _I_ am." Stretchin' his arms out like he's about to flop on a really nice bed- woah! A big fluffle thing floated up behind his back, and it's _really_ mean looking! "And yet you're still so _weak_ and _stupid!_ "

Dai-chan fidgets… it's kinda cute!

"Only the _strong_ survive!" Brett yells as he folds his arms. That floating half of a fluffle behind him spins out, and- woah, wow wow! Dai-chan and me and Hana and- no one else actually- we all get outta the way of a buncha skin-colored danmaku!

"Here!" Ha-chan sends a jolt of electricity at him!

Zap!

"Hn~h…" Brett flinches back smoothly, not lookin' really bothered. "You _insolent_ little…"

Dai-chan moves ahead of Hana and me, and folds her wings out ta protect herself. "Ge-get behind me!"

" _Submit!_ " Brett's fist becomes covered in purple stuff, and he goes to punch Dai-chan, but-

Cli~ng!

" _What!?_ " Brett's eyes widen! Dai-chan blocked his punch!

Dai-chan then leapt up like a real villain number one, and slapped him with her wings!

Ti-ti-ti-tick!

"Achoo!" Hahaha! Brett _sneezed!_ "How-how did- achoo!" Hahaha!

Zap! Ha-chan zapped him again!

"Hngh…" Brett winces, hugging himself like a big baby.

I should beat him up, too! If we're not gonna use danmaku, then I can use my super cool awesome sword! Summoning my Super Ice Sword, I leap at him! "Hra~h!"

"Come, guardian!" Brett holds his hand out, and the fluffle teleports in front of him!

Cli~ng!

It _blocked_ me!? No!

Dai-chan slapped it with her wings…!

Cli~ng!

Noo~! Why can he _block_ things!? That's not fair!

Hana zaps him again! Zap! "You-..." His face is getting red! Hehehe~!

Then, the whole clearing goes dark. Brett curls up into a ball, and starts floatin' closer to us... " _My strength returns…_ " Woah! Now his hair's all long and _glowy!_

"Look out!" Dai-chan begins pulling me, and I fly with her…

Hana begins flying in the opposite direction, when-

"Ancient Volt Sign! _Dark Thunder!_ " Brett's voice turns into a girl's voice, and then he gets out of his ball shape and does more stretches.

Thwam-thwam-thwam!

 _Ow ow ow ow!_ Th-that… that _hu~rt!_

Dai-chan fell over- _Dai-chan fell over!?_ No, no, no! She can't fall over! " _Dai-cha~n!_ "

Sweeping towards the floor, I save her from going splat on the rocks and stuff near the lake…

"Dai-cha~n!" Hana throws something into the air!

Green light envelops Dai-chan, and she quickly flies from my arms! "Thanks, Cirno-chan, Ha-chan!"

Brett furrowed his brows. "I-I didn't mean… to-to use thunder… she's- she's a thunder fairy…" Wiggling in place, he returned to folding his arms.

Hana pointed at him. "Get his bag!"

Responding to the call, Dai-chan swoops in-

Thwack!

" _Noo~!_ " Dai-chan, how could you let him hit you like that!? She spiralled to the floor…

And now it's my turn! Floatin' in with my sword, Eye ready to slice-

Bam!

-Eye ready to drop the broken handle of my sword that he zapped to pieces, and grab the bag as I fly past!

"Bag accompiledish!" Eye tell Hana!

Hana flies up ta me, and Eye give it to her. She reaches inta it, lookin' for stuff, I think…

"Th-that's 'accomplished'..." Dai-chan corrects me from her crater in the floor.

...Hana pulled out a white and yellow thing! Raising it up high, she-

 _Fwa~sh!_

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Oof!

Where the hell…

"My- my eyes…" Mima was out of me!

"Brad-ku~n!" Oof! I don't know where I even am, but people are bombarding me!

"A _lady_ popped out of him!" Ah, good. What would I do without Cirno here…?

...My vision came back, and I found myself between a lake and some trees. Ha-chan was rubbing her cheek against mine, which was nice and everything… and off to the side, the two fairies were lookin' back and forth between Mima and myself.

Oh, hey! Ha-chan has the Youkai Inconveniencer equipped! Along with my stuffs…!

I've been saved from the ambiguous darkness! Yea~h!

"Damn it, damn it, damn it…" Mima rubbed her eyes aggressively, enough so to probably damage real eyes. "What the _fuck_ was that!? Holy magic!?"

"Yes." Ha-chan was smug. "Take that, you big meanie!"

...Mima clutched her fists tightly. Bright blue magic began charging up in her arms… before it fizzled out. "You know what? Forget it. It's cool."

...Sighing, she turned around, adjusting her hat and drifting away.

…

" _Raa~h!_ " She flung her arm to the side-

Bam! Boom! Blam! Boom!

...Multiple trees ahead of us in the woods fell. Magic particles whirled into the air, the blasts not even fire elemental or regular explosions. Je~sus.

…

Well, I'm glad Ha-chan apparently saved my ass. Next time I get possessed by the all-powerful ghost of a vengeful magical sorcerer girl, I should beat myself the fuck up with holy shit. I don't _think_ Mima meant any real harm, but she seemed to get legit worked up at the end. Like, I remember her amusement changing to shouting midway through that.

That, and the whole body snatching wasn't cool. She freakin' put my mind on time-out!

...Daiyousei drifted towards us. "So, about, uhm…"

...Ha-chan peeled herself off of me. "Oh-oh, yeah. See ya, Brad-kun! Don't get possessed by ghosts while I go rai- _share_ the wine stash!"

She musta conscripted the _noobs!_ I feel so proud, yo. "Alright, Ha-chan. Ho ho!" I wave at her as she departs!

…

Now, to go to the temple…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Oo~h, I didn't make it to the temple…

...Reimu poked me with her gohei. "I wanna nap there. Get ou~t."

I was under the kotatsu. I'd ask her if she wanted to share, but I don't think that'd end well, so I'm just gonna pretend to be dead.

...

After a few moments, she grabbed my legs and began dragging me. I let her drag me along for a bit…

She slides the shrine door open, cold air rushing in.

"Yo, no!" I flail my arms. "Friend, please! I'm snuggly!"

Ignoring me, Reimu continues to drag me. No longer playin' nice, I begin to bend my legs and stuff, and holy shit she's got a good grip on me…

Whelp.

I am now outside in the cold.

She put my legs down. I clamped them around her left leg, nearly tripping her!

"Ah…" Hah! Her eyes widened, yo…

Bam!

"Gugh!" ...She fucking stomped my _gut_. With a _sandal. Fuck_.

The shrine door slid shut.

…

O-ow~...

After a few pained moments of trying to get up, I make my way back inside…

Reimu is now lying under the kotatsu, her eyes closed.

You know what? The shrine floor is fine, too.

Thud.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

…

"Aa~hn…" Eckh. Alcohol…

Whelp, I'm awake. Ha-chan's sprawled out on the shrine floor next to me, clothing disheveled and her face flushed. "...Pa-pash me…" Her arm twitched in her slumber.

...She's fookin' drunk off her ass.

I look over at the kotatsu.

Reimu's lying peacefully under it, still snoozing.

Awwh. I wanna, like, take a soft fluffle, and rest it gently atop her face. It'd be cuddly. I don't think she'd be happy, though… that, and I don't think there are any soft loaves of fluff around.

Sadly, she will have to be left alone, yo. She's a shrine maiden who loves to snooze.

Bam! The shrine door slams open.

"Rei~mu~!" Marisa hollers, taking a step in-

Bam! She was blown out the door by an expanded yin-yang orb.

"Gu~h…" Reimu groaned. "I _hate_ noisy guests…"

I nod at her. "I hate alram clocks."

...She stares at me, slowly narrowing her eyes, mystified. "Al...ram clocks..."

…

Marisa stumbles into the door. "Go-god dammit, Reimu... wh-what'd ya have to go 'n' do that for…?"

Thud. She flopped to the floor once she got inside.

"Don't you mean 'alarm clocks'?" She questions my pronunciation!

I shake my head. "Alram clocks."

Unwilling to be riddled by my words, she lies back down. "I need more sleep…"

Don't we all, friend?

Anyway, I should probably get goin' to that temple now…

I open the shrine door, and it's still daytime outside, albeit barely. The land outside has a very nostalgia inducing blue glow to it, the kind that happens early in… November, I think? That'd make sense. If only Gensokyo had like, conventional calendars and stuff…

Oh, well. Someday I may rediscover foreign calendars!

I consider using the flail-o-copter, until a particularly chilly wind passes me by, convincing me to walk, instead…

Ah, good, the stairs are like, frozen solid again. I always wanted a concussion!

Unwilling to meticulously tap them all with Flame Salvo to thaw 'em, I decide to buttslide my way down, one step at a time!

Sitting down before the first step, I look down at the many steps and mentally lock up.

Freakin'... no. I'm goin', yo! My mental anti-virus ain't gonna stop me!

After tapping the stone path a bit, I push myself forward.

Yo~! Woa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh…!

I gradually bump down the steps, progressing slowly. To slow myself, I was able to use my arms and legs to make my sliding posture more awkward and thus slower, so after awhile I eventually safely got to the bottom.

The only problem is that it was _fucking cold_ at the bottom, and sliding on ice for a good three minutes didn't do me any favors!

"Brrh…" Shivering, I make for the nearest tree, ready to commit arson in the name of self-preservation.

Takin' Flame Salvo and some twigs I found, I channel mana into the hanger-

Fwoom!

Twig fi~re! Yeah! "And so mankind said, on the fifth day, that there was fire!" I declare my might against the wilderness! Fuck you, cold weather! I got _flames!_ Mankind's first _magic!_

As I dance over the flame, however, it gets promptly blown out by a swift breeze, somehow. Even though it was literally like, an inferno.

…

Al~right, take two~... I channel my mana into the hanger-

Fwoom!

E~y.

...Woosh. That _wind_ again…! It's comin' from like, my right, too! Freakin'-

...Oh.

I look up at a rather serene-looking woman. She's got pale white skin, long, flowing black hair, and a blue kimono on.

Her glass-like features give me a smile. "That is quite a predicament."

…

"Yeah. Yeah, uh, it is." I give her the most fake smile ever. Like, I stretch the shit outta my cheeks and everything. I'm _onta_ you, icy.

"Would you like… to share?" Invitingly, glass-skin partially folds open her kimono, revealing chest bindings underneath, and pale skin. Her skin had, like… _cyan_ blush to it.

I shake my head. "I hate sharing, friend. Give me your entire kimono, and we'll talk." Imagine the ice resistance on _that_.

...She reacts very strangely. There is no fluster, and there is no curiosity. Instead, she simply changes the topic. "We can warm up. Together."

I shake my finger. "Nope, nope. Heat is not a necessary luxury, yo. Little did you know, yo, the price 'a heat went up last year! That's why I stopped buying it awhile ago."

"Humans die from the cold." She states plainly, getting impatient.

I shake my head. "That's actually a myth."

...She tilts her head, smile unchanging.

"Y'see…" I start lookin' around and breathin' like I was about to tell an emotional story! "Back when-... back when I was a wee lad… I was left out in the cold…" I look down. "...I was left out in the cold, so long…"

Pointing Flame Salvo at the twigs, I reignite 'em!

Fwoom!

"I _reinvented_ fire!" I give her a wi~de grin!

...She threw her arm to the side.

Fwish. The fire went out like a candle.

"There is no such thing as fire in this land." She begins floating towards me. "...Let me comfort you."

No such thing… as fire. Yep. Can't argue with that logic. Heard it here first, folks. No more fire in Gensokyo.

Also, no, yo. You're a _noob_. "Get away, noob. Back off." I point Flame Salvo at her. "I'll burn ya if you get too close, frosty!" A~nd I have my secret holy weapon!

She pauses. Okay, good, she's got _some_ common sense…

"Our souls shall become entwined." Floating into the air, frosty blue energy begins pouring from her kimono… "And your heat, shall feed me. But do not be afraid. It comes in bliss, soft. Humans like soft." To emphasize her point, her chest bindings become undone, exposing her flat torso.

Then- what the fuck. Are they _growing!?_ The shit is this!?

"...Are you human?" I ask her.

"No more than you." She continues floating into the air.

Whaddaya, fookin' _stoopid!?_

Alright. I'm just gonna walk away backwards. "Oh, good. I was worried you were a youkai for a moment there."

She giggles mechanically. "He, he, he. Of course. I need heat just like you."

Please, no.

As I walk away backwards, she slowly floats down towards me. "Let us bond."

"Nope." I shake my head. "You're gonna _bone_ me, dude."

...She doesn't even reply to that, still progressin' towards me as slow as I walk. I wonder…

Shaking my head, I hold out my arms. "I'm gay, dude. You're gonna have to find another sexy mating person."

...Wow. She's not even, uh… huh. No response. Jesus. I'm talking to a freakin' moth!

…

So, yeah. We're walking backwards down the Hakurei path towards the village, and neither of us is making any progress towards besting the other, be it in wits or in eating my soul.

"Do you like fire?" I ask my new friend!

"There is no such thing as fire, in this land." She reassures me.

I nod. "Good, I'm glad. Fuck fire."

...Her smile widens. "I'm glad you feel that way. Let me hug you."

Pffft. "Hug? What, uh… what's that?"

Determined to make this conversation work, she actually explains it! "It is the action of embrace where one transfers the life energy to myself. It is intimate, and expresses deep affection amongst humans. All human males wish to hug me."

...Seems legit, son.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I pass the front gate of the human village with the yuki-onna following me.

After double-taking, the guard rubs his eyes.

I wave at him. "Hey. How's it goin'? See ya." Yeah, I don't have a lot of time to talk.

The yuki-onna ignores him entirely, because yeah. Why _wouldn't_ she?

He calls out to me. "Hey! Do you- uh… need any help!?"

I shake my head. "Nah, dude! All under control!"

...With his eyebrows raised, he goes back to leaning against the village gate.

Alri~ght, I'm almost to the temple…

"We can be warm together." Generic yuki-onna, please.

Once I reach the stairs, the climb begins. I can't climb backwards, so I hafta turn my back to her and quickly jog up the stairs. As I do so, I'm giddy… giddy with fear! What if she badoinks me from behind, dude!? Eeya~h!

...Well, that doesn't happen, fortunately. She takes her sweet time drifting up the Myouren Temple stairs. A few times, her undirtied, snow white socks touch the floor-

Kr-kra~ck…! Ice traveled around a patch of stairs, freezing them. She probably froze the stairs earlier, then. Cheeky little…

At the top, it seems like there's no one, at first. Then, I see Kyouko walk out of the main temple doors, holding a broom. "Ha-hawawa!?" She's surprised!

"Hey!" I wave at her. "Yeah, I'm being followed by a rapist."

…

"Let- let me get…!" She looks around frantically. "He~lp!" She shouts to the sky! Her ears stand up, too…!

Yeah, that'll help.

I'm almost at the temple doors, so I just start going in circles backwards to keep from getting my soul extinguished by the floaty naked ice girl.

"I'll help." She's still got that plastic smile, yo.

"No." I shake my head at her.

"Ky-Kyouko!? What's wrong!?"

Stormy of all people slides out the front door, holding a large metal cannon of some kind. "...What the _fuck?_ "

I wave at him. "Hi, son."

...He groans. "U~gh. It's _you_."

"This girl wants to rape me and eat my soul." I gesture to the slowly floating yuki-onna. "Help."

"I'll help." She reassures me, again.

…

"Is she just going to float after you, like that?" Stormy had his cannon up and ready, but he was just idly observing us.

Kyouko seemed to have calmed down, her ears resting again. "Wh-why are her… boobs out?"

I shrug exaggeratedly! "Don't ask me, yo! Ask her!"

...Kyouko steps up to our circle of walking. "Yu-Yuki-onna… why are your boobs out?"

"Men like soft." Good answer!

...Kyouko looks down at her smaller chest. "O-oh…"

Stormy nods. "Yeah, we do…" He grins at the topless yuki-onna.

...Kyouko looks back at him. Slowly, she raises her broom and creeps towards him, before deciding against aggressing him.

"Why don't you just let her hug you?" Stormy focuses his grin on me. "Or are you not into women?"

 _Son_. I know a good answer, though. I look at the yuki-onna. "What's a hug, again?"

She gives the exact same answer as last time. "It is the action of embrace where one transfers the life energy to myself. It is intimate, and expresses deep affection amongst humans. All human males wish to hug me."

…

Stormy nods. "Wow. Shit."

"The-then…" Kyouko clams up, her arms held up at her sides. "She _eats_ people!"

Yea~h! You put two and two together!

Stormy grinned. "Well…! I've got something for her to eat, then…!" He holds up his shoulder-mounted cannon.

Kyouko gets in his way. "N-no! Don't!'

...He relents. "Dammit, Kyouko-chan…"

 _Chan_.

"She's just misguided!" Kyouko waves her arms. "And maybe a little dumb… but that doesn't mean we should blow her away!"

"...I guess you're right." Stormy huffs. "What the hell do we do about her, though?"

"Push her somewhere else." I declared. "Please, yo."

"...I think I should go get Byakuren-sama." Kyouko considered.

"I'm right here."

Byakuren drops down from the _sky_ , like some kind of heavenly super person.

Stormy stared at her dryly. "Yo~u were watching the whole time."

"...Maybe." Byakuren smiled at him, before stepping towards my situation carefully.

Ho ho! "I'm glad you just decided to watch instead of do anything, friend. Now, if ya could help me not get consumed…!"

Byakuren shook her head. "Let her embrace you."

You're not instilling confidence in me, Hijri.

Stormy's jaw drops. "Hahahaha~!"

"Wh-wha~t!?" Kyouko is equally shocked! "By-Byakuren-sama…!?"

Byakuren adds some much needed context. "I will make sure she doesn't inflict any permanent harm. It is to help me judge her condition."

...If you say so. "If I die, I'm haunting your ass."

Byakuren just gives me a patient smile.

...Turning around, facing the slowly drifting yuki-onna, I hold open my arms. "Alright. C'mere, you big lug…"

I just realized how tall she is. Like, geez, she's like seven feet tall! I'm six foot myself, so…!

She drifts into me. Her kimono wraps around me, locking us both inside.

"Thank you…" She presses herself against me… and it's _cold_. She's colder than the winter air…

I can hardly think about the winter air, or the sensation of cold breasts pressing against my shirt. It's like my mind just suddenly began to drift away…

My faces rests in her neck, a comforting sensation washing over me as I felt her arms wrap around me…

Then, Byakuren inserted her arm, under my neck and against the frost woman's chest.

Heat suddenly flooded into me! "Wo-woah…" I'm not drifting as much, anymore! I begin shivering, realizing just how cold she made me.

"So-so warm…" The yuki-onna gushes, hugging me tighter.

Byakuren's arm glows orange. Holy fuck, now it's too warm…!

"A-ahn…" The yuki-onna was getting uncomfortable, too. Her breasts began to shrink- which was freakin' weird, by the way- and her skin began to look a more natural pale color, and not neon-white.

Then, she let me go.

I stumbled away from the naked yuki-onna, who furled her robe back up. Byakuren stepped back, as well.

"..." She said nothing, feeling herself. "...I am… satisfied." She seemed mystified. "I-..."

The cyan glow in her eyes faded, and she blushed a more natural red. "Wh-..."

Looking around hastily, she seemed surprised.

"Hello." Byakuren greeted her. "How are you?"

"..." She blinked. "Warm. Good..."

"I'm glad." Byakuren smiled. "Who are you?"

…

"I don't know." She admitted.

…

"Follow me." Byakuren moved towards the temple, gesturing for her to follow. The yuki-onna walked after her normally, stepping on the floor awkwardly a few moments before adjusting to the sensation of dirt.

They progress into the temple, Stormy stepping aside.

…

"And you were gonna shoot her…" Kyouko scowled at bazooka man.

"Hey, now... you weren't nearly as critical about those wolf men I blew to kingdom come." Stormy gives his own scowl in return.

...Kyouko turned away. "We-well, they weren't… like her."

I walk up to them. "Hello, friends."

Stormy grinned. "How were her boobs?"

Kyouko brought up her broom, and unleashed an attack!

Thwack! "Ow!" Get owned, noob, get owned.

"The hell was that for!?" Stormy rubbed his head…

Kyouko lowered her broom back down, frowning at him.

"You guys are fluffy." I declare, progressing inside.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

In the Myouren Temple, I began lookin' for where Byakuren went… She went to the right, but there's more halls to the right, so I dunno what direction specifically...

Near the entrance, there was a bench. Mamizou lounged on it, lazily shaking a foot off the edge of it. Freakin'... what _are_ those sandal heel things!? They're like, _blocks_.

"Oh, he~y." She waves at me. "Did you bring that sugar water?"

Wat. Uu~h… oh!

"...Shit." I express anger.

She grinned, looking up at the ceiling. "Oh we~ll."

I have no idea if I smuggled Kool-aid or not, but I want my warm clothes, yo. "Didja see which way the nun went?"

Mamizou looked over at me. "Aa~h. She went…" She pointed to my left. "Yeah."

Oo~h. That's opposite the vague direction I saw her go, but okay!

I nod. "Thanks, friend…" I proceed to go in the direction I saw Byakuren go, instead…

Down the hall, I find myself lost. Frightened, yo! _Confused!_

The impulse to knock on a door occurs to me. At first, I consider it too awkward to do out of the blue, especially when I could just keep walking… then I decide to do it _because_ it would be awkward!

I knock on a door to the right.

…

No response. Curiously, I open it…

Oh. Outside. Hello, world.

I close it.

If the right is outside, there has to be something on the left!

Moving up to the door, I knock.

"Oi. Hold on, hold on…" I hear Murasa on the other side.

After a few moments, she swings the door open. "Aho~y! What brings, eh…" She realizes it's me. "Oh, s'you. What's up?"

I wave. "I was gonna ask Byakuren to make my clothes toasty, but she eluded me, friend."

...I receive a dry stare, as Murasa opts to lean lazily on the door frame. "Look, mate, if ya wanna explore her tracts of land, yer gonna have to be a lil more subtle than _that_ …"

Freakin'... "I mean, I wanted my clothes enchanted to be warm, friend."

…

Grinning and shaking her head, Murasa turned back into her room. "Yer a scallywag."

She shut the door. A real help, yo.

Doubling back, I try, like… a hallway. There are a few too many hallways available for me to accurately describe how many hallways there are without being redundant. But there's like, this intersection junction…

You know what the Myouren Temple needs? A _super highway_.

After taking a series of random turns and walking down the hall for a minute, I knock on the door.

…

"Hmm?" The door swings open. Some tall, red-haired woman in robes stares down at me. Noticing my Kaguya robes, she stares at me dryly. "Ah. You. What do you want?"

I don't recognize her! "Friends." Might just be a generic monk...

...She closes the door.

Daw.

I knock again!

…

The door swings open again. "I don't have anything to do with you."

I make my statement loud and clear! "Didja _see_ where Byakuren went, yo!?"

...She blinks at me, before nodding. "Her aura went that way." She pointed down the hall. "She's in the third door to the right."

You can sense auras and shit? Yo~... "Thanks, yo." I began walkin' down the hall after giving her a wave.

Down the hall, I open the correct door!

Inside, the yuki-onna and Byakuren sat at a kotatsu, the yuki-onna's kotatsu now glowing a subtle orange.

"...Oh, hello, Brad." Byakuren greets me.

The yuki-onna silently stares at me, her eyes now grey.

"Hello, friends…" I casually strut towards the kotatsu…

"I have to thank you for leading this young girl here…" Byakuren smiled widely. "This was certainly the right choice for her."

"Yeah, she looks real young alright." I nod. "Seven feet tall. Can't be a day over twenty, yo."

Byakuren giggles. "She's actually one hundred fifty-two."

 _Young_. What the frik is young in yuki-onna years!?

I look at the icy lady. She shifts awkwardly.

Byakuren is smug. No progress was being made.

"Th-thank… thank you…" The yuki-onna spoke! "For warming me up…"

Wasn't quite me, but y'know… "Ye, ye. Ye." Which reminds me… I turned to Byakuren. "I need a heat-enchanted outfit, yo. I was wonderin' if ya could hook me up." Fingers crossed…!

...Byakuren put a finger to her lip, looking over the yuki-onna's robes. "Like hers?"

I nod. "Yeah, yo. Keep myself nice and toasty durin' the winter months!"

...Byakuren smiled, and nodded. "I can do that for you. I'll be just a moment..." She got up, and began to leave the room.

Woo~! S'all turnin' up Brad, yo!

…

Once she left, it was just me and icy nips over there.

…

"I-I, uhm…" She begins the discussion! "...Yo-your name…" She took a moment. "...Br-Brad?"

I wave. "Hi."

…

"Hi." She stared down at the kotatsu.

Fluffy.

"...Wh-what was… I like?" She asks me.

"Fluffy." I nod gingerly…

"...Oh." She accepted the answer, her eyes resting on the kotatsu again.

…

"Do-do you know me?" She looked hopeful.

I shake my head. "Nope. Ya approached me on the street and tried to rape me, so I moonwalked here to not die."

She seemed to cringe harshly, before the confusion set in. Woo!

A door swung open. Byakuren returned! "Here…"

...I didn't expect an exact replica of her freakin' kimono. "...Didja just pull that out of a freakin' copy machine, or what?"

"Something like that." Byakuren mystifies me with her ways. "Consider this thanks for your deed."

Accidentally doing good things is the best way to go about doing things!

With that, I receive the kimono. It had white fabric with blue trim, and glowed a faint orange color. Considering my audience… "Can I put it on here?"

Byakuren looked over at the yuki-onna, fine herself with the idea.

…

If only people made dial-up noises, yo…

I'll take that as a yes. Finally slipping off this half-obliterated Kaguya robe, revealing my suspenders underneath, I slip on the kimono over them…

Oh, yes. _Yes._ This is _it_ , dude. I found my end-game god gear…

"I take it you like it?" Byakuren's expression has the same smile as it always does.

"I am become God." The world is mine to control, yo.

Y'know, there's something weird about these enclosed-in rooms. It feels peculiarly cozy… but also curiously bleak. I think enclosed indoor spaces just do that. Wait, these rooms have lamps…

"How do those lamps work?" I point at one. They've got cube tops and look suspiciously modern. That, or we weren't the ones to invent cube lamps…

"Oh?" Byakuren turns to it. "Illumination magic."

Oh. Stupid question, I suppose...

...Looking over at the yuki-onna, I feel my curiosity growing. "So~... you remember anything about anything, yo?"

She shakes her head. "I-I… remember when I was young. I got lost in the snow…" She stares down at the kotatsu. "I thought… I died."

I mean, you remember how to talk, so there's that. Then again, Yukari's got this funky language barrier up, so for all I know she could be speakin' Portuguese.

I nod. "You did, yo. Welcome to heaven."

…

"Heaven kinda sucks." She admits, staring at the kotatsu sullenly.

The~re we go!

Byakuren huffs. "Now, now. This is still Earth." She gives me a chiding stare, but y'know, that was just how that conversation was meant ta _be!_ "I'm sure you'll find things a lot warmer at the temple, if you choose to stay."

The temple door swings open again. This time, the face behind the door is Stormy!

"Ah, here you are." He nods. "By some arcane miracle, Brad got over here. Unless he can read auras."

I nod. "Yeah, yo. AI benefits, son. I know all and see all."

He snorts. "Yeah, yeah. What's the deal with frosty boobs here?"

Eyes widening, the yuki-onna hugs herself.

...Byakuren switches her chiding stare to him.

"...What?" Stormy is confused.

Turning to the yuki-onna, Byakuren readies to speak…

"I want to be called…" But she's beaten to the punch by the girl! "...Yuki."

...I mean, that works. Clap clap, yo. Ya really thought that one through!

Byakuren's smile was patient. "Please put more thought into it. If I had a yen for every yuki-onna I met named Yuki, this temple could be refurbished completely." Pfff~t…

The yuki-onna blushed. "Al-alright…"

...With that, Byakuren got up, and things seemed to wrap up.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Outside and in my new kimono, I also donned Kaguya's wig for full effect!

"...Are you _sure_ you're not gay?" Stormy is skeptical.

I grin. "I'm bootiful, dude." All I need now are fake boobs!

Kyouko, Stormy, and I were outside by the fencing in the temple yard. Across from us, Shou the tiger girl lady person was fighting a training dummy with a staff. The weather was overcast at the moment, and the sun was setting, the land's blue glow getting heavier…

I turn to Kyouko. "Do I look like an ice girl, yo?"

...Looking indecisive, she gives her input. "If I don't look at your face, sure…"

Oof.

Lanterns filled the temple yard, these ones consisting of actual burning candles instead of illumination magic.

Stormy grinned. "Yeah, he's pretty fucking ugly, isn't he?"

"I didn't say _that._ " Kyouko glared at him. "He's just not a believable female."

Now tell that to the myriad of 'transgenders' who think they can put on a sweater and call themselves the opposite gender!

I have the sneaking suspicion Kyouko and Stormy have become friendly friends with one another, myself. I'm waitin' for a good opportunity to stick my nose where it doesn't belong!

"Ah, well. What stupid shit have you been up to?" Stormy looks me over. "You seem to have gotten some redneck suspenders. That's probably an accomplishment, considering this is supposed to be rural Japan."

Hyonk! "Well I just did diddly darn diddly _did_ , son." ...That reminds me of those upgrades I claimed up in Heaven and forgot to do anything with! "Holy shit, yo! We got a table anywhere!?"

Stormy snorted. "He's lost it."

Moving into the midst of the table yard, I look for a table. My eyes rest on a bench, which is good enough. "Alright, friends, c'mere!"

It's time to apply the upgrades I have!

Let's see… Electric talisman, holy talisman, an~d… oh, right, I put the ice upgrade on Tundra Bloomer.

Oh? Aw, dude…!

Kyouko steps up to my side. I take a wiffle duster from my bag, and gingerly brush her face for it.

"...A-chu~!" She let out a cute little sneeze…!

"You're not responsible enough to wield such a weapon." Stormy takes the wiffle duster from me. Awwh…

...Reaching past me, he brushes Kyouko's face with it.

"A-a-chu~!" She begins fending it off. "St-sto~p…"

So fluffy…!

Anyway, upgrades 'n' stuff. What to upgra~de…?

I begin placing my plant hangers on the bench…

Clink. Clink. Clink. Clink...

"Goddamn, you're a hoarder." Stormy begins to look exasperated at them. "How many are there?"

"A lot." Honh, honh, honh…!

Once I spread 'em all out, I consider my options!

Fairy Harp and Tundra Bloomer have enough upgrades, right now. I don't need to make them more of special snowflakes than they already are, and I'm pretty sure adding too many elements makes them conflict or something. Flame Salvo's also pretty good as is…

Electricity and Deep Blue would probably be too effective. Like, it'd kill _me_.

"Do any of these even do anything…?" Kyouko's expression is vain.

Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber would also not end well with either upgrade. Hmm~...

"O~h, you bet they do…" Stormy looks bitter. "Fucking, that one…" He points to Sharper Than Darkness. "Was that the edgiest design you could think of?"

I nod. "Yeah, yo." Maybe I should upgrade that one. I half wanna add the holy upgrade to it to be ironic…

"This one's just a normal plant hanger…" Kyouko gestures to the Escape Plan. I think that one _does_ need some lovin'...

Taking the talismans from the bag, I slap them where there's not any of Flandre's etchings. They glow brightly for a moment, before their gold colors return to being just ink.

...Holding it upside down, I shake it. They're attached, yo!

"I can vaguely feel magic from those things." Stormy adds, having observed the talismans. "You're making some kind of catastrophe of magic, aren't you?"

"Yes." Backing away from the two, I take the modified Escape Plan and approach the training dummy…

Shou's giving it hell, though. It rocks back and forth on its post violently, as she unleashes barrages of staff thwacks against the core of it.

Thwa-thwa-thwa-thwack!

"Hoh!" Leaping up, she left herself fall a little before stopping just before she hit the floor, lunging into another series of swings.

Thwack, thwack, thwack- Clack!

For her final swing, she did a forward flip. Even after all of that, the training dummy still continued to exist, slowly ceasing to shake.

"...Ha~h." Shou exhaled, backing away from it and observing it.

"It's my turn now, yo." I walk past her with the Escape Plan ready!

She stares at me dryly as I approach it, before sitting down and crossing her legs.

Alri~ght, holy and electric upgrades! Let's see what this baby can do…

I swing it through the air, and not a whole lot seems different. I try to channel mana into it, but there's nowhere to really channel it _into_ …

"Hmm." I eye it curiously. "Maybe I gotta get beat the fuck up, first…"

Stormy tilted his head. "...Yeah, maybe you do." He began to raise that shoulder-mounted cannon again. "Can I do it?"

"No." Kyouko casually walked into his way.

Instead, I turn to Shou! "Hello, cat friend. Combo me, yo."

She rose a brow. "...Are you su~re?"

I nod. "Fuck my shit up, cap'n."

...Standing, she walked towards me with her staff ready. "Captain? I'm not Murasa, you know…"

Honh. "Well-"

Thwack! She began with a whack to my gut. "Gu~h!?"

Whack! I stumbled back, my head shooting to the side as she unleashed a powerful blow to my jaw-

Thwack, thwack! "Aa-aah!" Hugging my stomach, I try to reduce the pain, when-

Thunk! "Hnh…" She jabbed the staff at my upper torso. I flew back into the training dummy, where-

Bam! "Gufhk…" She finished by kicking me in the gut.

Well, I feel like I have enough reasons to die, now…!

"Happy?" Shou smiled at me.

Dizzily, I give her a thumbs up. "Aa~h… yeah…"

Stormy was grinning widely, as I held up the modified Escape Plan again. It seemed to be crackling with white static energy, which ran up and down the metal of its form. It seemed to weigh far less, too. Hell, my arm as a whole weighed a lot less…!

Kyouko's hands were over her mouth when I glanced at her. Don't worry, friend! It was only blunt damage!

I take a moment to feel my gut, where Shou kicked it, before turning to the dummy to engage it myself… "Alright, you dummy… I'ma woop you 'n' boop you."

Taking the Escape Plan, I swing it at the dummy-

Thwash! Thwash!

The power I put into my swing makes me spin, my hanger passing through the dummy. After orienting myself and warding off the dizziness, I notice electricity running across the dummy's form, for only a moment.

...Experimentally, I swing the hanger around in the air slowly. As I do so, it lights up a pure white, shimmering as I wave it about. "What the hell have I made?"

"A fucking trainwreck." Stormy declares.

I give him a grin, before I decide to test my running capability. I move towards the opposite wall as fast as I normally would with my speed buff, except now I don't feel as _much_ fatigue as I think I normally would. Then again, Shou freakin' _decked_ me, so y'know…

I look down at my legs, noticing the white electricity occasionally arc down my legs, too. That can't be good for me!

"Ooo~..." Kyouko is fascinated by the hanger. "Are they all magic like that…?" She holds up the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber.

"All except that one!" I try to save her.

However, her fate cannot be avoided. Throwing my word to the wind, she takes it towards the training dummy, and whacks it-

Boom!

The dummy is blown off of its post. Kyouko is covered in soot.

"What the _fuck!?_ " Stormy springs into action! "What was _that!?_ " He runs up to Kyouko, putting a hand on her shoulder. "Ky-Kyouko-chan! Are you-"

She swings it at him.

Boom!

...Now they're _both_ covered in soot.

She gives him a big grin.

"Gn~h…" Stormy stiffly articulates his limbs. "Damn. I felt joints crack that I hadn't cracked for a long time…"

I run towards them, and jump-

That's some _serious_ air! Holy shit!

I leap high enough to barely clear them by raising my legs, before-

Thud. Oof… landed on my bum.

Okay, it's not awesome air, but it's better than my normal hop. Actually…

With a running start, I leap into the air, before executing my double jump. It's like the air beneath me's not only a platform, but it boosts me as well. The second jump in this instance is actually _better_ than my weak human jump.

With this height, I could probably grab onto the temple fence and scale it. The actual temple's still way too freakin' tall for me to even think about scaling with this. Afterward-

Thud. That actually hurt, a bit…

Shou watched me experiment curiously. "...You know, you remind me of another human."

I grin at her. "Who, yo?"

"That witch." She decides. "This feels like something she'd be doing."

...Y'know, I feel so, too. I nod in agreeance.

This time, I- oh. The training dummy died. Freakin'... "I need somethin' to attack, yo."

"I'll spar with you." Shou offered.

"Oo~h!" Stormy immediately ignored the fact he just got blown up. " _This_ I wanna see!"

Friend, no. "I'm fragile, yo."

She smiled. "I'll go easy on you. I wanna see what you can do."

We~ll, the answer's 'not a lot', at least not fairly, but I do wanna know what tricks I can pull with this new Escape Plan…

She brings up her staff, ready to block. "C'mon."

Alright, yo…

With my modified Escape Plan up, I move towards Shou…

I wonder. Does this thing deal magical damage when I swing it?

Curious, I send a basic whack in Shou's direction-

Clack! She blocked it with her staff, even though the hanger became magic. Instead of an outright block, my hanger arm actually recoiled. Electricity traveled up her staff. "...It tickles." She grinned after a moment.

Honh, honh honh. It's a spine-tingling sensation, yo…!

I try that spin attack again, swinging with my normal power- woah!

Thwash! Thwash! The first sound is my initial strike, and the second one is when my spin is coming to a stop...

That sound's so _cool,_ too!

The hanger traveled through her staff, which is curious. She could still block it _sort of_ , and make my original target the thing she's blocking with.

"It's like water." She notes. "Really weird…"

Movin' for her, I unleash another self-disorienting spin!

Thwash! Thwash! She blocks it, but I smoothly spring into the air after my attack, leaping higher than I would normally, especially while standing still. Up here, the hanger flashes brightly, but I dunno what that means…

I try a downward slash, and end up doing a frontward flip.

Thwash! "Ho-holy…!"

Oof… I landed _on_ Shou's staff. Wincing, she tilted it forward, throwing me off of it, and onto the floor.

Thud.

"He's like a fucking _flea_." Stormy annotates from the sidelines. "Christ."

Son.

Leaping into the air again, getting more normal abnormal air, I swing at Shou. Similar to when Shou attacked the dummy earlier, I hung in the air as I came upon her with a series of sweeping attacks, ones that didn't sweep myself into a spin 'cause I was in the air.

Thwash, thwash, thwash! Three horizontal swipes that went 'through' her staff… but at the same time not really.

I tried to jump again, and instead of going horizontal, I _slid vertically_. "Woaa~h!"

Whelp, this happened! Soaring forward, I clear Shou entirely and soar straight into the wall-

Thud. Goddammit…

"Hahahaha~!" Stormy guffawed. Well, I'm glad _someone's_ happy…

Freakin'... yo. Breaking from the wall, dizzy once again, I turn towards Shou…

"I have a feeling this is going nowhere…" Shou's smile was a bit more dry, now.

"You'd be right!" You're the one who asked for this, yo. Considering my movement speed… I wonder…

Bringing my hanger to my side as if I were sheathing a katana, I stand resolute before her. "I got a plan, friend."

She stood ready. "Oh?"

I tightened my grip on the hanger. Tilting forward, I readied to spring towards her.

Then, I launched myself forward.

" _Zantetsuken!_ "

 _Thwash!_

Instead of going through her like a good swordsman, however…

Thud, thud! I seem to have thrown myself onto her, instead, my knees resting on her staff. How do actual badass swordsmen even _do_ Zantetsukens!?

"Hu-hwa!?" Stumbling back, electricity running across her body, her pupils contracted as I made contact with her. After a moment, she gave me a shove-

Holy _shit_ son!

Bam. I~... hit the temple wall.

"Pfft- hahaha~ Oo~h, haha~!" Stormy was shot, yo.

Kyouko gave a curt giggle.

...Standing from the temple wall, I stumbled forward. "I~... think that's enough escaping and planning, for now…"

"...That was _not_ a Zantetsuken." Shou grinned as she shook her head at me. "It was a valiant effort, but there's a lot more that goes into it than just swinging fast. The attack you did was more a... 'tactical tackle', if anything."

Oh, good…

"...That hanger's fucking _rich._ " Stormy was still grinning at me. "I simply don't know how you haven't killed yourself yet!"

...I nod at him, trying my best to keep my expression neutral. "'Cause you touch yourself at night."

…

He slowly brings up his shoulder cannon.

"Do-don't!" Kyouko tries to move into his way-

 _Blam!_

I throw myself into the temple wall to avoid the freakin' _fireball_ he shot at me. It exploded on the floor where I was. Jumping up, I promptly rotated myself and kicked off the wall, sliding through the air after I did so.

Blam! He shot the cannon into the air after me, tracking my movement improperly.

Thwack! Kyouko hit him with her broom. "Sto~p!"

"Ow- ow!" He tries idly to deflect it with his arm. " _Damn it_ , woman! I'm trying to…"

He aims it at my landing spot, but Kyouko whacks the cannon upward with her broom.

Blam! The shot sailed into the sky, never to be seen again.

" _Fuck!_ " Stormy was displeased, but seemed to do his best to ignore Kyouko's cuddly bombardment.

I slide to a stop as I land! Then, I run towards him in a straight line!

He grins. I jump as Kyouko knocks the cannon upward once more, before I jump again-

Blam!

Ho~ly fuck, that was like right under me... that _better_ not've burned the hem of this kimono!

"Oh, shit…!" Stormy noticed me soar over him. Turning in the air awkwardly, I slash at his shoulder on my way down-

Thwash!

"Aau~gh!" He dropped the cannon, clutching his shoulder. The cannon promptly fell onto Kyouko, who did her best to hold it, until she fell over, trapped under its weight. "Ah-ahn!"

After my awkward maneuver, I land on my side. From the floor, I jab at Stormy's inner knee-

Thwish!

"Noo~!" Stormy falls backwards, landing adjacent to me. On the floor, he begins trying to like, strangle my legs, before giving up.

…

Shou begins to walk away. "I'll go get some healers."

"Pl-please do…!" I weakly call out from the floor…!

"He-hel~p…" Kyouko wiggles her legs from under the cannon.

...This freakin' hanger, yo. He's not wrong about it bein' rich!

"This…" Stormy weakly grabs my ankles. "This is all your fault…"

Oh no. "What can I say, yo… when I was young, Flandre Scarlet gave me a small loan of a million dollars!"

Stormsworth snorted. "...Ju-just shut the fuck up."

...Million Bucks! That is this hanger's newly upgraded name. Ho ho!

...Wow, I ache. Shou better not've been joking about those healers.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 47

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY:

Youkai Inconveniencer - Semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but isn't particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Slight damage vulnerability when used, which has worn over time. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger's gained the ability to deal electrical and holy damage. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy...

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out what they are…

Toasty Yuki-onna Kimono - Best winter clothing twenty fifteen. Fifty percent ice and freezing resistance, but _negative_ fifty percent fire and burning resistance!

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Aaa~h, aaa~h!

welcome friends

this has been a fun chapter to write even if i did write it kinda slowly; cool leg has been smacking me silly but unlike all of my high school peers i managed to actually stay in it for an entire semester (also keep in mind that you get some really awesome breaks, and summer vacation for cool leg students is like, five months or something!)

provided unlike them i never went to parties, never feverishly boned my peers, and never really cared about the social politics that endlessly went on- you know what i could go on all day about my theories for why the primary educational system actively destroys more people than it theoretically helps but dat MIGHT not be what you guys are here for

but anyway enough about that, let us talk of this chapter

mima i pulled from the depths of hades just for the sake of bringing her back really; after reimu and marisa's raid nothing productive happened so i was like 'y'know might as well'

i had her possess me solely for the sake of her making xehanort's heartless quotes and for a feverish party battle; it turned out more slapdash than i had hoped but that's okay too!

then there was the yuki-onna

i came up with her because i realized it was winter and night was coming so night monsters ooh spooky, also on complete impulse but y'know daz pretty much the name of the game

it wasn't night yet though and considering letty people might respect yuki-onna a bit more (unless they have fire magic)

also i know letty exists but the time has to be RIGHT, YO

Million Bucks is based on a kingdom hearts 358/2 days weapon of the same name, Million Bucks

it's demyx's 'rage gear' equip which allows him to string together longer ground and aerial combos! also the name sounded cool

despite how much i hate what they did with that game it was full of cool little things i liked… which makes it torturous to play because it's like 'how do you do something that could be so right so wrong aaugh'

also yeah LAN wifi only like killed it- seriously what backwards tech thought that was a good idea the game woulda like blown up if it supported friends p2p or at least a server that would shut down in like a year

i think p2p woulda lagged the fuck out though

ANYWAY, kyouko is cuddly

i went back and read a few of my earlier chapters and find myself probably more amused than when i wrote them; i dunno if that's just arrogance or if they're actually funny o w o

that reminds me, pro-tip for fellow writers who don't already know: it's possible to proofread your own work as you would an outsider, you just have to freakin' brain bleach it from your subconscious first; this can be done by like working on a english essay for a day or two after you've written it or get started on a new chapter, THEN go back, sit down, and be like "lets take the time to go through this"

of course, your mood also plays a big part and if you're impatient it probably won't go over as well… and external proofreaders are still a little better to be honest but this will keep you from overlooking the obvious errors by accident

man i feel like talking away at a whole lot of nothing today

as always, see you all next time!


	59. Hard Work Hardly Works

(in which we combat the wombats)

"Heal!"

This tall, white-haired girl raised her staff into the air.

Then, I heard that Curaga chime from when Kasen did her things!

...Woah. Wow!

Crawling onto his limbs, Stormy prepared to climb onto his feet again. "...Thanks, Kirino."

"He-he~lp…" Kyouko was still stuck.

"Ah, shit…" He went to help her with that.

I got onto my own legs, after a few moments! The white-haired girl nodded at us. "It is my duty."

I grin at her. "You like one of them fancy holy mages 're somethin'?"

She shakes her head. "I study only in healing."

Oo~h. Wait… "Is healing magic and holy magic different?" I articulated that poorly!

She nods. And, uh… yeah, that's it.

"Quit badgering the healer." Storm man snaps his fingers at me. "Don't you have something to be doing?"

Yeah, yo. I nod, "Sleeping."

Fully lifting the cannon from the floor, Stormy hoists it over his shoulder. "Ha~h…" After stumbling back a few steps, he holds it steady. "There."

Kyouko springs up quickly. "Now I'm cold…" She hugs herself.

Oh no.

Grinning, the big Storm man turns to me. "It's too bad this temple doesn't take unwanted solicitors. You'll have to sleep under a rock somewhere."

"Actually…" Kirino spoke up. "The temple can accommodate up to-"

Stormy hobbles over to her, "Ah- shh! Shh!" desperately shaking his finger in front of his lips.

...She continues. "One hundred fifty-"

" _Shh!_ " Getting up in her face, Stormy stares into her eyes-

Bonk! She aggressed him with her staff!

"Ow- damn it…!" Holding his head, Stormy hobbles back towards Kyouko, who was looking on dryly…

...After a moment, Kirino broke her glare directed towards him, and focused on me again. "As I was saying, this temple can house up to one hundred fifty unexpected guests at any time. Except during festivals, maybe…"

Ho ho. "How do get guest room do?" I raise my hand inquisitively!

...After staring at me for a moment, she turns around. "This way."

I follow the long-haired, presumably youkai healer inside. I mean- she's got yellow eyes. Ya don't _see_ that back in ye olden times unless they're the burly people.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We come to another room with freakin' no furniture. It has a bed, though.

"Here. Uhm…" She slowly spins in a circle, gesturing to the room's contents. "There's a lamp, over there." She points to it.

Oh, shit, I almost missed that. I keep forgetting most of these rooms need lamps 'cause they're like, surrounded by windowless walls.

"There's the bed." She points to the tiny-ass bed. Like, okay…

"That bed, it's too tiny." I comment. "My legs, they won't fit, yo. My ass' gonna be hangin' off the edge. Y'might as well give me a freakin' chair!"

"Oh…" She looks puzzled, too, for some reason. "That's… hmm. Oh… this is probably the room for the smaller youkai."

...That'd make sense.

"Maybe there's something for you in the closet…" She moves towards the closet door… which looks like a freakin' regular door. I thought this room had two entrances. Some of these rooms _do!_

She opens it- "Eh-ah!?"

Slam!

…

I step towards her. "Friend?"

"Do-don't, uhm…" She presses her back to the door. "Don't open that."

I wonder… "Why not, yo?"

"Ju-just… don't!" Her face slightly flushes. Ho ho!

This must mean there is progress behind that door! "That sounds like a very good reason to open it…!"

"Don't!" She closes her eyes, pressing herself against the door rigidly.

...Alright, yo. I slouch. "Ah, alright. If it really means that much to ya."

...She blinks. Awkwardly, she breaks from the door, before moving towards the room's exit. "Co-come. Let me find you a more suitable-"

I dash for the closet she tried to protect! Running up to it, I swing it open!

And inside…! "Ahah! Your-..."

Oh.

The closet is full of fluffles.

Bam! She slams the door shut before me. I flinch back, the door shutting in my face.

...I turn to see Kirino frowning at me.

"...What?" I grin. "...I thought you were hidin' a porn stash or somethin'!"

She jerks her head back. "Wh-what…!?"

Ho~h. Bigger reaction than I expected.

She takes a moment to compose herself, blinking. Then, her face shifts into a glare! "I-I wouldn't _dare_ insult my craft like that! Take that back!"

Yo!? "What'd I say!?"

"I am _not_ depraved!" Kirino raises her staff! "I am _not_ depraved!"

"Dude, no!" I raise Million Bucks into the air defensively 'cause it's all I got on hand!

Clonk! Clonk! I block her very telegraphed staff swings!

"I-I will not stand here, and let you insult me…" Exhaling, she seems to try and keep some kind of rigid posture as she swings the staff's head at me.

Clonk! Clonk! Jesus, for how freakin' clunky and unskilled her motions are, she's still got a lotta strength…!

"There ain't nothin' wrong with porn, yo." I argue. "We all gotta shoot the shit, y'know what I'm sayin'?" ...Yeah, after my first line I had no freakin' clue where I was taking that.

"Wh-..." She freezes for a moment, which would be a perfect moment to counter attack, but I don't wanna hurt the cuddle mage, so I just freeze, too. "...Pe- _pervert!_ "

She breaks her hand from the rigid posture it was at around her waist, and-

Slap!

Yeah, ow.

With that, she ran out of the room.

…

Guess I ain't gonna see other rooms, tonight. Walking up to the closet, I swing it open. "Hey, guys…"

The shifting mass of fluffles stops. Some stare out at me.

…

Fwoosh! They begin spilling out.

I stand and smile at the incoming fluffle wave.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Jesus!" Stumbling out of the room, I let myself fall around the side of the door, before like punching it shut. That last part took a few attempts!

...On the floor, I shaked my legs, trying to get the clingy fluffstuffs off. Only some came off, so I decided to get up and just walk around with fluffles snuggling my legs.

This kimono is freakin' kickass, by the way. Freakin' toasty.

"honh honh honh" Fluff stuffs…

"...What are you doing?" Oh, hey! It's Nazrin!

Lookin' over to Nazrin, I smile. "...I'm soft."

"You're also crossdressing. Again." Nazrin stared up at me from the floor with a dry expression. "...Was that Kirino I saw running out, earlier?"

I nod. "She introduced me to fluff stuffs. I brought up porn, and she got angry and hit me over the head with her staff."

Nazrin rolled her eyes. "You've set the record for finding someone's obscure insecurity. I at least checked her room first. What did you even _do?_ "

Freakin'... these fluffles are trying to climb me, now! Also, what was that one thing about her room…? "I told her it was okay to watch porn, and she got really uppity and ran away."

Nazrin winced. "...You just up and said that? With no context?"

What? No, yo- "Well, of _course_ there was context, I-"

"Look, I don't wanna know." Nazrin put up a little hand. "Whatever you did, it's not my problem. Last time I got involved, I learned that Byakuren had a thing for… yeah."

"Femboys!" I finish her sentence! "Girly, feminine boys in girl clothes!"

"You don't have to yell it out!" She yells at me!

"Aaa~h!" I use my yelling magic on her!

"Just…" She shakes her head. "Ugh. You should go find Kirino. She takes her hormones hard. You'll know where the stash is hidden when you see it."

Sure. "Where is her room, yo?"

"It's the one with the plus sign on it." Nazrin pointed out. "There are a few. We mark the doors of our healers."

...That sounds efficient but also terribly counter-intuitive. If someone invaded, they'd know where to go! If they were familiar with the place, anyway.

With that, Nazrin began walking away. "I'm gonna go to bed."

"G'night, yo. The moon is made of cheese, friend."

She turns to me-

Woa~h shit! I have to bend out of the way of a single, gray danmaku pellet.

…

Alright, time to find that room!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Door number one!

I knock on the plus-sign adorned door.

…

It swings open. "Hello…?" This time, it's some girl with green eyes and long, orange hair. She's also pretty tall, about as tall as me!

"Hi, friend." I greet her. "I'm looking for Kirino."

"Oh, Kirino?" She jerked her head back. "Are you a friend of hers?"

...I sigh, and take a moment. "Alright, let me explain it…" Clearing my throat, I begin. "First uncle's second brother's cousin five times removed to the power of ten; in addition, I'm related on her mother's side by about fifteen and a half places, including cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces, reese's pieces, and u~h… more mommies and daddies, presumably."

…

The girl raises her with both arms. "I beseech thee… tell me the _truth!_ "

The staff shines with a holy light, blinding me for a mo- wah! "I-I met Kirino thirteen minutes and fifty-two seconds ago. I wanted to apologize to her for offending her over pornographic content so that she may show me a room that is not infested with a fluffy menace."

...She like, _extractigated_ that answer from me.

The orange-haired healer nodded. "I see. In that case, I cannot lead you to her."

Wha~t!? "Yo, why not?"

"You'd do more harm than good." She nodded. "Do well to never meet her again. Take care."

The door closed.

…

I kicked it. Cupping my hands, I stood in front of the door "Ya fahkin' _boob!_ "

...Alright! Let's go find the next door!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Knock knock. It's the United States. With big fluffles… with guns! Gunfluffs.

Actually, those fluffles who were climbing me are starting to get to my upper torso now. Soon they will get on my hair, and presumably dance on my head.

The door I knocked on opened, and- o~h hehehe~y…

A big dude loomed out. Dude didn't even fit the fucking _door frame,_ Jesus Christ. This guy's a strappin' _eight feet_ or some shit!

"...Hi." I greet him.

"Hello." The guy had brown hair and cat ears. "Why do you visit me this evening, frozen half?"

Frozen half? Who now?

...He reads my confusion. "Sorry. Do you prefer… Yuki-okama?"

A what? "English, yo."

...He shakes his head. "Apologies. English is a language I do not have grasp over."

Daw. "...Separate the two words. By like… a bit." That might make Yukari's translator not see 'em as some name thing then.

"Yuki, okama?" Big guy tries.

"More space. Like, two seconds." I will get to the bottom of this!

Finally, the translation is successful! "Snow… shemale."

Oh. _Oh_. Aw, dude…!

I nod. "Cool, I got that. Yeah, that's cool." I'm an _attack helicopter_ now!

"I am glad." Big cat dude nods. "Now, what is it you wish to discuss?"

Hmm~... "Kirino, wanted ta apologize to her about a meetin' we had."

"Oh?" He blinked. "What was discussed?"

"Porn." I grin.

…

The door slammed in my face.

Thanks, Garfunkel, you freakin' twat. Dude! I bang on his door. "Bros before hoes, dude!"

...He doesn't respond.

Alright, yo. I'm a man on a mission, here! Not gonna waste time with this _fat lazy cat_.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Bam, bam! _Fuck_ this door!

…

The third door I've visited swings open.

Dude! It's-

"Go away!" The crying face of Kirino slams the door shut.

-gonna be harder than I thought, apparently. Shieut.

Then, my face is slowly covered by an adorable climbing fluffle. I stare it in the eyes as it slowly progresses up my face. It looks freakin' snuggly.

...After a moment, it gets onto my head, and rapidly spins around on its torso. Alright, that's it…

I pull it off.

...Now it's sad. "Waaa~l!"

Freakin'...

While I struggle to get the remaining friendstuffs off of me, the door opens again. I look up at Kirino, holding a squirming mass of fluff. "Oh. Hello, friend."

A slightly more composed version of Kirino now greets me. "...Wh-what do you want…?"

"I wanted to offer you some complimentary fluff stuffs." Walking towards her, I drop the fluffles to the floor, expecting her to grab them, or at least try.

Foof. They disperse and waddle off on all four limbs, like little dusty roaches. Just watchin' them scurry away makes me wanna sneeze, yo…!

"Aa~h…" Now I really have to! I bring my arm up- "Achoo!"

Kirino winces as I sneeze into my arm.

"...Oof." I grin at her, recomposing myself this time! "So yeah. I just wanted to talk with you about our lord and savior, Sexy Pervert Hentai-legs."

The door slams in my face.

…

"By that, I mean I was sorry!" I yell at the door. "Please show me a room that's not filled with fluffles!"

…

"I'll print out some of my collection!" If Kaguya has a printer, she _has_ ta.

She cracks the door open. "Wh-why…?"

...I tilt my head.

…

Shit, she wants words? "U~h… st-stuff?" Nailed it.

"Why do you like porn?" She stares at me critically.

...Well, that's a _stupid_ question, innit? "It ruffles my jimmies." I reveal. "It lets me riddle my diddles."

To my surprise, she doesn't instantly slam the door on me. Instead, she steps outside. "...Let me find you a room."

Honh.

I follow behind her. After a few moments and a few seemingly random turns, she brings me to a room.

"Here…" She opens the door. "Take care." Hastily, she marches off.

"You too!" I wave at her, but she doesn't look back.

...Geez. I can't get why people can't- oh, right. Standards. Standards are weird. Seriously, why~ hide from a fellow pervert that you yourself are, in fact, a pervert? If she's insecure about it, freakin'... proper person moralities are weird.

This room seems nice. No closet- which is fine, 'cause I ain't freakin' living here. No closet means no fluffy menace, yo. Dust friends lie in wait in enclosed spaces…!

The bed's a real size! Moving for it, I leap in, fully dressed and everything. Wait…

I get up, and move to the door. Does it… lock?

I turn the little slidey thing above the handle.

Cli-click.

Aw, _dude_ …!

Let's see… Should I get down with my fresh and funky nearly-naked self, or should I sleep in this kimono and wig? I mean, the kimono _is_ warm. The heating's not that terrific in here, either. Actually, I can use the kimono as a blanket! Hehe~y, now we're cookin' with gas!

Now in my skivvies, I take in the room's bareness. There's not even a table in here. Just, like… bed, lamp.

...Taking out Tundra Bloomer from my sack of wonders, I position myself next to the wall. After making a few practicing motions…

 _Bam!_ I hit the wall with it! "Aaaa~h!" I yell!

Wahaha!

...Alright, now it's time for sleepy sleeps. About time I got a nice cushy rest. It's been a lo~ng time!

I slip into the western bed. Why've they got western beds, here? I guess it makes up for the fucking _nothing else_ in the room. 'Cept that lamp, I forgot to turn off…

Ah, shit. Now that I've noticed, I _gotta_ turn it off. I'm sure there's a god of that feeling, somewhere, and they're laughin' their loli asses off every night.

I ge~t up… _lug_ myself over to the square lamp across the room...

Wait…

This thing, it has no switches. It's actually just a cube of like, light and glass. What the hell…

...I tap it, and it bobs in the air a bit like a bobblehead toy. Freakin'... alright.

Clap off! Clap, clap!... clapping didn't work.

"Aaa~h!" I yell at it, which didn't seem to work.

…

I walk over to the door, carrying the lamp's base with me. I unlock it.

Cli-click.

I swing it op-

Bam! "Fuck! Ouch!" Oh, he~y…!

...I spy a nue. "Hey, you." I greet the grue.

...Nue rubs her eye, where the door probably hit. "Fu~ck…"

Friend. Taking the lamp, I push it outside. "This is for you."

With that, I slide the door shut. Nue protests, "Hey- no! Wait!"

A~nd I lock it! Cli-click.

"Asshole!" She bombards it with her arms!

"Good night, friend!" I proceed towards the bed. After a few moments, she gives up, and I climb in. Oof, cold… but give it a moment, yo.

…

 _Now_ it's nice and warm...

…

…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

…

Mmrm~...

I almost wanna sleep more. Real bed is good bed…

Attempting to roll over- oh. There's a friend in bed, with me…

"Haaa~u…" My shifting woke her up.

Fighting her limbs off of myself for the sake of mobilization, I give a half-baked attempt at sitting up. The door's freakin' wide open, that lamp looks like it's in shards on the floor, and a few people are sprawled out in the hallway.

I don't wanna know, yo. I lean over the bedside, and see Ha-chan on the floor.

Wait…

Looking over into the bed, I see Ha-chan in the bed, slowly shifting…

…

Lemme check the floor again- yep, yeah, still there.

…

I point at the bed Ha-chan. "Who you?"

Ha-chan's _suddenly brown_ eyes open. "...Your dearest fuck fairy, boy."

Oh.

…

"You's a succubus?" I grin.

She nods. "If you want me to be."

In that case, I slap her!

Slap! " _Ow!_ "

Executin' a barrel roll out of bed, I flop onto Ha-chan-

"Ahn!" She squirms as I land on her. "Aa-ee-aah…" Quickly, I move to roll off of her before she makes too many snuggly noises.

"...You didn't have to _slap_ me!"

Poof! In a moment, the disguise fades to smoke, revealing a grinning Mamizou in a pair of pajamas. "But I suppose that was the smartest option."

I point at her. "Were ya gonna _molestigate_ me!?"

She snorts. "Not in a million years. I don't know what you think, but most women aren't as horny as little zappy fingers down there." Mamizou gestures to Ha-chan.

...Ha-chan manages to sit up after a brief tussle with her maid outfit. "...Hello!"

I wave at her. "Hello, friend."

Floating from the bed, Mamizou took to the air. "...If you'll excuse me, I have to fetch the healers. There was a traffic accident outside your door." Oh, boy!

...As she floated out of the room, Ha-chan pouted. "I don't like that fox lady."

Oh no. "Why's that, friend?"

"She beat me up!" Yeah, I think I wouldn't like her, either.

...Who am I kiddin', yo? I can take a little rough housing! "C'mon, yo. We're gonna go have a little explore, now that I have my _awesome_ kimono!" I should probably put that on!

Moving over to the blanket, I dug through it for my denim suspenders and kimono…

"You should go naked." Ha-chan suggests.

…

"Why~?" I turn to her curiously.

"It's fun." She smiles innocently.

Not for me, it isn't! How'd she like it in the snowy wasteland if she was in her skivvies? "What about you, yo?"

She reaches for the hem of her top. "Should I?"

Freakin'...! "No, no we shouldn't! It's _cold_ , yo."

Ha-chan pouted. "Alri~ght…"

...Y'know, now I'm curious. "What was it ta you, yo?"

"I wanted to cuddle with you naked." Huffing, Ha-chan folded her arms. "I don't know what the big deal with it is. The fairies at the mansion- Komi-chan and Bell-chan- keep telling me that it feels really good, or something."

…

"Eventually." I equip my clothing items! I~... would like there to _not_ be a pile of possibly unconscious people outside my open door while I try to have an intimate conversation. Gensokyian gods forbid I try to teach 'er about _sex_ with that peanut gallery. Freakin'- _I_ don't even know sex! I mean, I know sex- but not how to sex up a woman, yo!

"But I wanna know no~w!" Ha-chan stomps the floor!

"Patience, friend." I raise a finger. "Good things come to those who do freakin' nothing." Welcome to America, land of debts and people who sit and are generally unhappy, regardless of wealth.

Speakin' of, this door! Was it unlocked, or-

I give the handle a little jiggle. I hear nothing, and the knob turns a full three sixty.

What did they _do_ to it!? Dude…

I examine the side, to see all of the door's inner components just gone. They _gangsterized_ it, dude...

Outside, Nue was sitting against the wall, seemingly sleeping. The big cat guy was sprawled out under her, freakin' acting as a seat. Claw marks marred the walls, and the floor sported a couple craters.

There was some other monk, who seemed to have the lamp shoved onto their head, lying next to the door.

...Looks like there was a freakin' war out here!

Ha-chan steps up next to me, all smiles again. "What happened here, friend?" I question her.

She blinks. "...We~ll…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: HANA'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Let's see~...

Flying next to that village place, I tune in…

';.';,.';,';.';,';.where is,';.',;.',;.';pupil';,.';,'.;,';.Oh?',;.';,.';,.St-stay back! No!';,.';,'.;,.

Hrrm…

;,'.';,.';,.;Aaa~uugh!',.;';,.';,'.;',.,;.I-I don't wanna burn you';,.';,',;.,'.;',;.';,Aaaa~h!.;.',;.';,';,.

There he is! Wait… one of those was him! Probably that last one…

I fly low! Down here, I can see that temple place, and-

Bam!

...N-now I can _really_ see that temple place…

"Aau~..." I peel from the roof, and drift to the floor…

Oof…

"...Who're you?"

Awwh! It's a dog girl person thing! They got cool lanterns here, too…!

I wave at her! "Hi, dog girl person thing!"

After flinching back for a moment, she waves back. "Hi… fairy girl person thing."

Moving past her, I run inside!

"Hey, wait!" Sorry, cutie! I gotta find Brad-kun! He's sleeping!

Let's see~... Right, left, right- no! _Left_ left! I mean… uhm…

Stupid hall things! These ones are too messy… they don't even move and stuff! How are you supposed to find anything!?

Oh, hey! There's his door! And a really big scary looking cat guy!

"Blast it…" His paw hands struggled with the handle. "Hijiri needs to- darn!- account for us that lack opposable thumbs…"

Clamping it securely, he began to twist his entire upper torso. "Come on, come on!"

His paws slipped. " _Damn!_ I mean..." He sighed. "U~rgh…"

"What the hell are you doing?" Another girl with back arrow things came up! And she was looking _really mean!_

Cat commando threw himself from the door and stood rigid. "I was just- I mean-... Hello, Nue-chan."

"Shut it, you sicko." Arrow girl glared at the commando of cats! "What, you lock yourself out of your kennel again?"

Cat commando tensed up, but sighed. "...Ye~s, Nue-chan-"

"Stop fucking calling me _chan_." Nue interrupted him.

"-I would appreciate access to my… abode." He gestured to the door.

Nue snorted. "You must've pissed on the wrong door, then. This isn't your room."

...Kitty commando didn't say anything. He just stood there.

"Why do you want in that room, Takeji?" Nue got to the point! And she has a lot of points!

" _Perceptive_ as always..." Takeji backed up. "...This _barbarian_ talked to Kirino-chan hours ago-"

"Fucking _really!?_ " Nue roared!

"Eep!" I eeped!

…

They both turned to me.

I wave. "Hi. I'm just here… to-to door the floors, and wash the cleans!" Yeah!

…

"Look." Nue looked Takeji in the _eyes…!_ "I fucking despise what you're doing to… her." She narrows her eyes, too! Oo~h! "I'm not gonna let you drag another sorry son of a bitch into your power trip!"

…

I clap! "That was awesome!"

...Nue glared at _me!_ Oh, no!

"...Is that how it is?" Takeji looked down at her. "...I want you to know, everything I do for Kirino-chan is only in her best interests-"

"Shut up!" Nue barks at him, her eyes narrowing again.

Takeji keeps going. "-and a delightful girl such as yourself-"

" _Shut up!_ " Nue brings up her dukes!

And-

"Shouldn't be _spewing such_ _filth!_ "

Takeji brings his arm wide, in one fluent, large motion-

Bam! _Bam!_ Nue was slammed into the wall, which cracked on impact…

"Gugh!?" Nue's crushed against the wall, left to stumble out after the swipe. She slides to the floor, still glaring up at the cat. "Fu-fuhk… yoo~h…"

"Ooo~h…" I wince. O~wie. Her face was cut a little and stuff, and I think that eye is gonna hurt in the morning...

"...Now, for the _uninvited_ spectator…" Takeji turns around, and moves towards _me!_

He~y, now… "Ni~ce kitty…!" I don't wanna be kitty chow!

Red bullets slam into his back! "Hnh!?" He whirls around!

Nue is standing up, looking slightly better than before! "I'm not just some pretty face, bitch!"

Seething, Takeji flexes his big paws! "I'll have you know, my anger and rage are _hard_ to quell…!"

No. Bad kitty. I push my hand towards him, and do the zappy thing.

Zap!

"Ah…?" He twitches, and his ears go all funny! Hehehe~! He turns towards me again-"...You _stupid-_ "

Thwa-thwack, thwack! More bullets hit the back of his head. "Your fight's with me, retard!" Nue, those are not nice things to say…

Takeji focuses on her, again. "I'll have you know-"

"He~y! We having a sparring match!?" Woah! It's a new girl! With _blue_ hair!

Nue turned to her, eyes wide. "Wha- what!?"

" _Hruh!_ " Takeji jabbed his paw forward-

Clonk! The girl's staff blocked it. "Nuh uh, Takeji! _No_ sleazy sneak attacks! We gotta do it by the _book!_ "

Takeji had enough of this, though. "...For far too long, I have been denied what is so rightfully mine!"

So I zapped him. Zap!

...Folding his ears back, he turned to me. "Could… could you cut that out? Please?"

I shake my head. "Naughty kitty."

 _Bam!_

Omigod! Nue shapeshifted into _another_ kitty commando! And punched the first kitty commando in the _face!_

"Eah!?" Takeji's arm slammed into the door as he fell-

 _Bam!_ It flew open! Stuff fell out of the inside as it jiggled like jello! Which… doors don't normally do!

"Hey, hey, hey!" Blue girl grabbed commando Nue by the leg! "Stop it, Nue! Takeji didn't deserve that!"

"What the fuck do you know!?" Nue began struggling with her, forcing the blue youkai to start wryly leaping and spinning around Nue's form to keep safe.

I run past them, zapping them all so they don't do mean things to me while I pass!

"Graa~h!" Takeji roars!

"Kya~h!?" Blue girl leaps, and- ow. She hit the ceiling. Sorry, blue girl!

"Wo-woa~h…" Nue spins around and falls over, bumping into that lamp as her ears go wild.

Inside, I slam the door!

...It doesn't stay shut, though. Awwh. I look for something to put in front of it- but there's no furniture! What!? No!

"Hey."

There's this weird floating fox lady, too! "...Hi." Please don't poof me, fox lady. It's gonna be _hard_ getting by those mean cat warlord people again…

"What's up?" She sips from a mug.

"Good night." I don't want to talk to strange fox ladies. I just wanna sleep.

I move to the bed, and hop in, onto Brad-kun. He doesn't notice, though!

Wait- no! I'm being pulled out! "Sto~p…" I tug on the blankets, and- ow! Ow! No!

I have to fight! Turning around, I begin punching the fox-who-now-looks-like-me lady! "No, no, no! Go away! We don't want-"

Ow! M-my jaw-

Ouch…

A-ah…

Br-Brad… kun…

…

…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

"...So I beat the fox lady, and I fell asleep next to the bed 'cause I was so tired!" Ha-chan proudly pressed her arms to her sides.

...That was a freakin' roller coaster.

"How'd foxy lady get into my bed, then?" I question her while we move along towards the temple's exit.

"I accidentally punched her in during the big battle!" Ha-chan grinned. "It was before I fell asleep!"

...Right. Well, I'm probably never gonna hear the real story, but I'd like to know what the fuck was up with big cat dude. Takeji, was it? Sounded like a real A-hole. Dude was so chill at first glance, too.

Who knows, maybe Ha-chan made up that stuff, or mis-remembered. I'm hopin' whiskers isn't a freakin' nut.

"So, after that…" Becoming thoughtful, she brought a finger to her lips. "...We woke up!"

Woah! "Nah, we died."

She pouted. "Oh…"

It was a good life.

…

"Wait…" Ha-chan puttin' them critical thinkin' skills ta _work!_ "That doesn't make any sense." _There_ we go!

I turn and pat her on the head. "You're fluffy, Ha-chan."

She smiles back at me.

Alri~ght… now to go do my daily duty!

We exit the front entrance of the temple. Kyouko is sweeping the midst of the stone path ahead, and Ichirin is, uh…

Pausing, I look a little closer. It seems she's got Unzan holding a big crate over another big crate, and looking carefully between them…

Yeah, I'm not gonna bother to find out what's going on there. She's probably testing the endurance of fluffles, or something-

Thud. The crate was dropped.

"Woa~h!" Ichirin looked off in the distance. "Where'd it go!?"

...Yeah.

Passing a startled Kyouko, I give her a wave. "Seasons greetings, friend."

"Huh…?" She turns to me. "O-oh. He-hello! I mean, bye!" Freakin' cuddly. Kyouko waves at me as I leave! "Bye to you, too, fairy person thing."

"Bye fairy dog person!" Ha-chan apparently got acquainted with her at some point.

With that, we left the temple! The steps… are icy as shit.

I turn to Ha-chan. "Fairy friend, I need to get from over here," I point down at the floor, "to over _there_ …" I point at the bottom of the stairs. "Alive."

She smiles. "Can do, Brad-kun!"

Lifting me under her arms, she executes the easiest flying technique: moving forward while slowly being pulled towards the earth.

At the bottom, she drops me-

"Oof." -onto my ass.

"...Sorry!" She grins sheepishly.

Freakin'... "Ye." There's just dry dirt down here, so it's whatever.

Gettin' up, I give her a nod, and begin moving towards the village.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Man, during the day these fields can be really quiet. We're almost at the village, now, and it seems like morning… it's really nice out, actually! I mean, with the kimono. Otherwise it'd be _stupid_ chilly.

A sunflower fairy drifted next to us, wordlessly.

…

"Hi." I greeted the new companion.

"Huh?" She turned to me. "Oh, hi~!?" She twirls away from me with wide eyes. "You're a dude!?"

I nod. "I'm fluffy, dude."

...The fairy shrugs. "Oh, well." She drifts closer to us, again.

…

I turn to Ha-chan with a brow raised. She elaborates! "Wild fairies sometimes stalk youkai for fun!"

...She must think I'm a freakin' yuki-onna, then. Facing the path ahead, I just keep walkin'...

"What? This guy- girl… _thing_ not get the memo?" The blonde sunflower fairy inquired.

Shaking her head, Ha-chan looked over at her. "Nope! Brad-kun's not a youkai!"

…

Moments later, I'm blindsided by a fucking _laser!_ Aaaa~h!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I walk up to the village gate with my kimono disheveled and my wig over my eyes.

The guard whistles. "...One of you? In the _daytime?_ "

Making my voice lower than normal, I reply. "It was a hard night, _son._ "

He jerks his head back. Hyonk!

...Then, he notices Ha-chan. "Ok-okay, what the hell is this? You some kinda raiding party?"

Ha-chan smiles. "Ye-"

I cover her mouth! "No! No~... We're just, uh, traveling gourmet youkai."

…

Retrospect: probably not convincing!

The guard slowly raises his bow.

Freakin'... "Dude, I'm a yuki-onna. I like, outclass you by twenty levels or something."

"You things are powerless, without your cold." The guard grins. "If you really give me trouble, I can always call for the boys."

Alright, son. We're gonna have to do this the freakin' _stupid_ way. Reaching into my sack, I take out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber. "Look, friend, I don't wanna start a war, here. Just lemme in and we'll, like, play freakin' tic-tac-toe or somethin'."

"You have to the count of ten." The guard begins to draw his bow.

Whelp!

I toss the hanger towards his feet and dive to the side-

Boom!

"Uaa~h!?" The guard yells, the blast flinging him away from the gate.

Quickly, I run up and grab the hanger, before pocketing it for Million Bucks. "Alright, Ha-chan. We're gonna fly over the gate!"

Ha-chan giggled. "'We'? Silly Brad-kun, you can't fly!"

I have that flail-o-copter, you know. But in this instance, that's not what I'm referring to!

Turning around, I run backwards so I can run up to the wall…

"Yo-you!" The guard sloppily raises his bow, before looking for his arrow. "Damn it…!"

A~nd _run!_

Woa~h, shit…! My legs, yo, they're like freakin'...!

Speeding up as I neared the wall, I did an awkward slowdown to prepare myself for a leap! "Hup!"

Ho~ly shit! Well, I cleared the wall, and then some! Up here, to prevent myself from breaking my legs, I swing Million Bucks in an attempt to do that awkward slide...

Oh, I'm an idiot- it's my double jump! I try to jump…!

...There we go. I'm gliding above the roofs now! Well, not for long, at this rate…

After a moment, I skid against the top of a flat roof. Once I leave the side of it, I bring up my arms-

Bam. They hit the side of a house's roofing, and I fall down to the floor.

Thud. "Ugh…" I fell like ten feet onto my stomach. Jesus, fuck…

...Ha-chan touches down near me. "Are you okay, Brad-kun?"

"Ye-yeah…" I put up a hand as I use the wall to lurch back into a standing position. "Gravity just bein' a bitch, as usual…"

I am now behind enemy lines, yo.

Getting out of the dirt, again, and stumbling along the side of the house, I find myself recover enough to not walk like I'm handicapped by the time I get into the road proper. I also pocket Million Bucks while I'm at it. No one trusts a man with static legs, yo. In fact, I think everyone is more likely to be completely suspicious of a man with statically charged legs!

Approachin' the village square, I look to the right. There's a job board there, and I see Fred!

As I walk up to the board, Fred turns to me, taking a moment to sigh. "...Of course you bastards've been putting jobs up on _our_ board. Do- do ya even _do_ anything!?"

I nod, grinning. "It's me, Fred."

"Oh- holy…!" Fred looks horrified. "Gods! What the' bloomin' hell're…" After a moment, he sighs. "Yeah, okay. Look, I'm busy, mate. I need some grocery money for Sarah and myself, an' I'm not gonna make it standing here bein' baffled by your _bullshit_."

Wahaha!

...Turning away from my chuckling form, he looks at the job board again, before turning to Ha-chan.

Ha-chan was snuggly looking.

Fred waved her off, muttering to himself. "Ah, sod off…"

He turned back to the job board.

...I look to the side-

Oh, hey! It's Matt, with a backpack! A Mattpack! Also, a snazzy tuxedo…!

As he walks towards me he pulls out a _gun sweet Jesus_.

"Yo, yo!" I put out my arms. "I don't need that, son! I don't need it!"

Fred pauses, before turning to him. His eyes widen, and he backs against the boards as Matt walks towards me, the pistol aimed high in the air, at my head.

"I don't see what the big deal is." Matt grins, stopping a reasonable firing distance away with the pistol. Where the hell'd he even get a modern pistol!? Freakin'... I blame fluffles!

"Yeah, well, I _do!_ " I retort. "Point it at him, not me!" I point at Fred.

...Matt points it at Fred, too.

Fred sticks his arms up. "Uh- no! You- yeah, no! He… he deserves it more!" Fred points at me. "I-I have a girlfriend!"

...Matt points it at me again. Freakin'...!

I point at him. "Son. Ya _wouldn't_. I _dare_ ya. I _double_ dare y-"

'Bang'. A _thing_ stuck outta Matt's pistol.

It'sa flag!

…

I walk around a little to see what's written on the side.

'Bang'. In like, Courier New on a white background.

...I look over at Matt, and grin back at him. "You~ son of a _beet_ ch!"

"Bang, son." He greeted me.

...Fred nodded slowly. "Of course you two clowns'd know each other. I was half hopin' one 'a you'd finally kill each other."

Matt shrugs. "Well, I could always start now."

...I turn to Ha-chan, who did literally nothing to help me when Matt was pointing a pistol at me. "Friend. I had a gun at my head. What were ya doin'!?"

Ha-chan blinks. "...That was a gun?"

You~ freakin'...!

"Nope." Matt shakes his head. "It wasn't a gun. It was a _bang_ gun."

Alright, time to look at the job board...

...

…Which is entirely in _Japanese_. Aaaa~h, aaa~h!

Matt tries his hand at the board, too. He inspects it diligently and carefully! He's probably scanning how many hit points it has, yo…!

…

"I have come to a conclusion." He announces.

...Fred turns to him.

"I don't have a clue what this says."

A moment later, some really posh dude walks up behind us. He's in like, holy armor from the first crusade or some shit, all adorned in crosses. He's got a posting from the job board in his hands, and he's lookin' at it _rea~l_ carefully.

"...Excuse me, good fellows, and yuki-onna?" He addresses us politely. "I am looking for a party of youkai hunters- no offense," he holds up a hand for me, "to join me in completing this quest."

Fred slouches, turning to him. "Well, what is it, then?"

"It is to kill an arch-magus by the name of Alice Margatroid." He nodded slowly, eyes furrowed as he read from the paper. "The reward is sixty thousand yen… I-I could split it, if you all wanted."

Oo~h. O~h no. That wouldn't end well at _all_.

I shake my head, and grab a random job from the job board. "Look, son, there's only one way that's gonna end. Here…" After ripping it off, I go up to the holy fellow, and replace the one in his hands with it.

...His face lights up. "Aa~h, one million yen! You have a keen eye, yuki-onna!"

Fred jerks his head back. "Oh, boy! Who's it!?"

...He tilts his head. "Yuuka Kazami, a plant youkai."

Oh, shit, that's even worse!

Fred seemed to be in on the memo, though. "Yea~h… no. I don't feel like having my entrails done in as flower seasoning, thank ye' very much."

...I look over at Matt, who seems to have grabbed a paper and began writing random Japanese figures onto it.

...He pointed at one job. "What does this say?"

Ha-chan leaned over and looked at it. "U~hm… capture… the… cereal-eater…"

Matt looked over at her dryly. "Any names?"

"Yeah, Matt!" She smiled.

Matt promptly grabs the job and crumples it up, before ripping it into itty bitty pieces, and casting them to the air.

I see he's been busy! Considerin' he's got a bad place in Reimu's books… ho ho ho!

The holy dude sighs. "I just can't seem to find a good job, these days. It's all either menial labor, or travel over long distances. I can't catch a break!"

Fred snorts. "Have you _seen_ the board recently, mate? I-I mean, look a' this one..." Bringing his finger up, he points at one of the jobs on it.

It's written in English, and written in _crayon_.

'GT MY SHOS BAK'

My eyes drift to the job description…

'SM AASSS WHOE TK MY SHOS'

Ah. That'll help people… perform the job.

No~w, let's see the reward…!

'STFF'

Just what I always wanted.

Fred chuckled. "O-okay, maybe not _that_ one… but lookie 'ere." He points at another job, in Japanese. "Like, what the bloody hell is this!?"

Holy man snorted. "...Kill the giant, flaming, magnetic, invisible, nil elemental bird girl?"

Giant flaming magnetic invisible nil elemental bird girl.

"Like, how the hell're we s'posed to do that!?" Fred grinned. "An' look at the location: 'oh just somewhere two thousand feet in the air,' like…" Chuckling, he shakes his head. "Who the fuck'd do that for _ten thousand_ yen!?"

...I look over at Matt again.

"What does that symbol mean?" Matt points at a precise character.

Ha-chan shrugs. "I dunno! I didn't learn that one yet! I think…"

Shrugging, he writes it down on what seems to be his fifth job proposal paper. "Good enough."

The other jobs he wrote all seem to be on the board now. No wonder this thing's so full of spam… people can just up 'n' freakin' put stupid shit on all day!

...Oh my God, this is the ancient version of 4Chan. Or, at least, message boards. Since it is, in fact, a message board in the literal sense.

Fred looked over at what Matt was putting on the board. "...'Wash my apples'? 'Death burn toast'?"

...Chuckling, I defend the jobs. "Hey, yo. Somebody's gotta do 'em."

The holy dude huffed. "Oh, this is absurd…"

Reaching for the board, he surprised me by not taking one of Matt's jobs off, instead plucking off an entirely unrelated one. "These people beckoning for the death of the Hakurei miko bite the hand that feeds them."

Fred rolls his eyes, looking back at the board.

"As a defender of the holy, I stand with those who stand with the gods." Holy man nods confidently. "Regardless of their stances."

Oh, good! I'm surrounded by assholes!

"What does this job say?" Matt points to one he just took off the board.

Ha-chan tilts her head. "...Capture man, who stole a~... _clothing_ from my store. I think a dress!"

"Which symbol was for… dress?" He furrows his brows, staring down at the paper.

Ha-chan points at it. "That one!"

He crosses it out. "Alright. Now, what is the kanji for virginity?"

You expect fluffy face over here to-

"Here, lemme…" Ha-chan reaches for the pencil he was using, and uses it to write the symbols herself.

Well, then…!

"Here~ we go!" The Fifth Crusader took a job off of the board. "This is a job I've wanted to perform for quite some time, now…!"

Backing up, he holds it up for Fred and me…

...Fred tilts his head. "I think we _could_ … maybe."

I throw my arms up in the air. "Can't read Japanese, dude. Help a yuki-onna out."

The guy looks down at the job to read it. "Defeat the Doppelganger. Last seen… fleeing towards the Scarlet Devil Mansion."

Oh, boy.

"It is extremely shy." He reads. "However, it is also quick to attack. You'll know it when you see it."

...Yeah, definitely.

"Be on the lookout for Scarlet Tangos, Fairy Maids, and Fairies." He smiles confidently. "There's also a few bonus conditions, here…"

Fred looks interested. "Ooh, I didn't see those. What're they?"

"They both increase the reward by fifty thousand yen." He adds. "One is to defeat a nearby wind elemental honey bee."

...Wat.

"The other is to defeat the Dragonborn who stands the gate in front of the Scarlet Devil Mansion." Holy person finishes. "...Those both sound like rather easy goals. I don't know of this 'dragonborn' person myself, but surely a simple gatekeeper can't be all _that_ bad."

How are you not already dead? "We're, uh, not gonna do that last one." I state pre-emptively.

Fred jerks his head back. "Wha~h? Oh, c'mon! There're _four_ of us! An' knowing you and mister gloomy over there, we c' probably raid that bloody mansion ourselves!"

You guys are _vastly_ underestimating the power of loli vampires. "Yeah- I don't think ya guys understand the kinda gas they're cookin' with over there…"

"The hell does _gas_ hafta do with anything?" Shaking his head, Fred waves me off. "Ah, w'ever. The more 'a us who don't wanna do it, just means we'd fuck it up harder if we actually tried."

Honh. To clarify, though... "I'm cool with finding out what this wind honey bee situation is, though."

"Alright…" Big bad holy man takes the job, and stuffs it into the pocket of his freakin' plated pants. "Who else is bringing potions?"

…

Matt looks over with a raised brow, before looking back at the paper he was defacing.

"I might, uh… have an ether?" Fred phrases that more like a question than an answer.

"...Okay. It's alright, I have the mega potions." Folding his arms, holy man huffs again. "...I suppose I shouldn't have anticipated that the youkai bring any potions."

It's alright, yo. He has the mega potions!

I grin. "Hey, what can I say? I'mma- I'mma yookie-oona, son. I dunno what potions _are_."

"Oo~h!" Making a cuddly noise, Ha-chan prances in front of the job board. "There's a posting here about a song!"

"...I think we should get going." Mike Pence decides to begin mobilizing us, moving away. "Meet me at the village gate, if you're ready, men."

Before we head off, Matt looks up at the poster with the song on it. He uses his pencil to write random symbols next to some headers on it-

"O~w!"

...I look to the middle of the village square, noticing a white-suited girl stumbling about. "Ha-harsh, dude…!"

I dunno how those events even correlate… or if they correlate at all!

...Yo, yo! Fred and Jesus Man are walking off! "Yo, c'mon friends!" Beckoning Matt and Ha-chan, I begin to follow after them.

Matt slips on some foxy mask, and Ha-chan floats after us, which catches the attention of some nearby villagers. No one's stare lingers, once they realize she's a fairy, though.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Outside the village gates, we ready to set out!

"...We should probably get acquainted." Holy man states. "My name is Mike." Holy shit, I was right…!

"Call me Fred." Honh, honh, honh…!

Their gazes turn to me.

I wave casually. "Kaguya Houraisan."

...Fred furrows his brows. "Y'name's _Brad_ , you twat."

Hyonk, hyonk, hyonk!

Matt taps Mike on the shoulder. "Give me your soul."

"Oh, gods!" Mike flinches back, scrambling for his sword, before he recognizes him. "...This is _no_ time to be joking around, good sir."

"Who said I was joking?" Matt does what he does best.

...Rolling his eyes, Mike looks at the path ahead. "Alright, men. If we get started now, we should be back by sundown."

Ho ho. Don't want our mommies and daddies to know we're out after dark, yo.

"Good, good…" Fred nods. "Sh' we get started now?"

"Yes. Let's!" Looking confident once again, Mike raises his holy lookin' blade into the air. "Onward, men! Tonight we kill a Doppelganger! In the name of God!"

Because God can't kill it itself, I'm sure. Y'know, the infinitely powerful being. Where the hell did a Christian crusader even _come from?_

Moving forward, our quest begins!

...Ha-chan tilts her head. "Which god?"

We're movin' down the Hakurei path right now. It should be relatively safe at the moment, all things considered. Shit, is there any wood to knock on…? I think I just jinxed us!

...Turning to Ha-chan, Mike gets flustered. "Wh-what do you mean, 'which god'? There is only one god, fair fairy."

Ha-chan furrows her brows. "But- but I met this really nice god one time, and she gave me sweets!" Huh.

"Well, what did he look like, then?" Shaking his head, Mike pressed forward.

Interjecting, Fred painted us a picture. "Was 'e fat, and with only one eyeball?" ...Fred, what the fuck're you even talking about!?

"No!" Ha-chan gets defensive! "She was really really nice, and had blond hair!" Sounds like Suwako… I think.

Hakurei shrine coming up on the right, now!

"... _She?_ " The concept baffled Mike. "Wh-what do you mean _she!?_ "

Ah, you're right, yo. Assumed God's gender. God's obviously an Apache attack helicopter.

Right in front of the shrine's steps, some fairies fly out ahead of us!

A fairy with white and black hair and similarly colored pupiless eyes floats in the midst of a tiny formation before us.

"Ahk!" Mike raises his blade into the air. "Unholy creatures!"

"Woa~h…" Ha-chan blinks. "I never saw a fairy like her, before! She's really pretty!"

A white, seemingly plastic chair materialized under the odd yin-yang colored fairy. "...Go." Her voice was solid and monotone, as she spread out an arm.

The formation of bobbed, turquoise-haired companions spread out, surrounding us as they floated high into the air.

"You!" Running forward, Mike points his sword at the yin-yang colored fairy. "You must be the _ringleader!_ " Good job, Mike. You know how to assess basic team compositions.

The fairy doesn't respond, blankly staring forward.

" _Power!_ " Mike's sword glows a holy yellow, as he reels his arm back, and lobs it forward. "Hoh!"

The blade zooms forth, becoming a disc of light as it closes in on the fairy…

Fwoam. It phases through the fairy harmlessly.

"Yer _boned!_ " Fred raises his staff. "Take this!"

Thwa~sh! Thwa-thwa~sh! Three kinda tiny thunderbolts struck down where the superior fairy was, her form shimmering as the bolts harmlessly passes through her and her chair.

Promptly, she floated over our head as if to get away from the focus-fire, relocating herself to the back of our party and just floating there on her chair.

"What…!?" Baffled and surprised, Mike barely managed to catch his sword as it boomeranged back to him. "Vile fiend! What trickery have you cast!?"

Is no one going to question the fairies that just up and flew upwards?

Looking up, I see four slow moving orbs heading for us. I back out of the way, as Matt seems to have done already.

Ha-chan and Fred get hit by the orbs-

Fwam! Fwam!

With two flashes of blue light, two of the fairies that floated above are now in their place. "Hehehe~!"

I look up, and Ha-chan is now in the air. Fred is soon to not be in the air. "Woh- holy _shit!_ "

...To my surprise, Fred halts his descent! " _Fuck_ me…!"

"You can fly!?" I yell up at him.

He glares down at me. "...The hell d'ya mean, 'can you fly'!? I'm a fucking _wizard!_ 'Course I can!"

This changes _everything_ … _!_

...Well, not really. But yo…!

...One of the newly teleported fairies drifts closer to me. I wave at it, "Hello, frie-"

It shoots an orb!

Fwam!

We trade places, and I'm left a little dizzy. "-eh~ho ho ho…!"

"Hehehe~!" She seems to like teleporting people.

That's it, yo… "C'mere!"

I glomp her!

"He-hey!" She tries to wiggle out of my grasp, but I don't let go, yo!

Fwam!

...Now _she's_ holding _me!_ She lets go, and quickly drifts away from me.

Before the other fairy can react, I glomp that one. "Ugh…!" She fights my grasp.

"You're fluffy." I try to nuzzle her neck, but-

Fwam! We trade places again.

"What are you doing!?" Aghast, Mike yells at me.

"Hu-hugging the enemy!" I inform him, hastily attempting to snaggle me that fairy again. "They're _soft_ , and warm to the touch!"

While I try to get a grasp on that space fairy again, Mike runs up-

"Hoh!" He jabs.

Pi~chun!

His holy blade went through the torso of the fairy I was trying to wrangle. Freakin'...

"Fire!" Fred twirls his staff in the air.

Pi~chun! One of the space fairies in the air bursts into flames.

Her friend clams up. "Hawawa~!? Left-chan!?"

What kind of a name is 'left-chan'!?

The fairy on the floor shoots her orb at Mike. He raises his sword to block it-

Fwam!

-which doesn't work at all.

"Wo-woaa~h!" He fell on his bum after a moment of fighting gravity. "...Your accursed tricks will not best a man like me!" Shaking his fist, he began to get back up…

...I look around, and see Matt curiously approaching that one fairy on the chair. He reaches for the chair-

 _Fwoam_. The chair shimmered, his hand passing through it. The fairy sitting atop it doesn't bother to look at him.

Ha-chan flies towards the remaining space fairy in the air. "Hello!"

...After giving her a glare, the space fairy shot an orb at her.

Fwam!

They traded places, but Ha-chan didn't seem terribly offput by it. "Awhaww~!" She gushed, even!

I leap at the space fairy near the ground, and latch onto her leg!

"Get o~ff!" She yells! From there, she begins kicking me the old-fashioned way.

"Oof! Yo!" I shield myself from the bombardment!

In the background, Matt jumps up and tries to stab the sitting fairy with some scissors.

 _Fwoam_. His arm passes straight through her torso and the back of her chair, both shimmering briefly upon passage.

"Ru~h!" Mike pulls off an exaggerated combo finisher, doing a full spin before he finally brings his blade through the space fairy I was trying to inconvenience.

Pi~chun!

Yo ho ho~... "Why've you gotta kill all the fairies, son?"

He scoffs. "They seek only to create mischief and adultery. The lesser, the better."

...Also space, since they seem to be space fairies, but y'know… also, that sounds like me. Ho ho!

Fred flies towards the space fairy Ha-chan was talking with, albeit slowly. Once there, for whatever unholy reason, he tries to engage it in melee combat with his staff. "Hah!"

He swings wide, and misses. The fairy shoots an orb at him-

Fwam!

"Guh!?" Fred falls a little before catching himself. "...Alright, ya've asked for it! _Freeze!_ "

Aiming his staff, Fred shot a spread shot of ice particles up at the space fairy.

Pi~chun! Once one hit her, she exploded.

"Eep!" Ha-chan twirled out of the way of one. "Watch it, mister!"

"Yeah, yeah…" Dismissively, Fred floated back down towards us.

With all of the space fairies dead, we heard a faint clink sound come from the fairy who sat and watched the entire time.

...Slowly, she stood up in the air, and the chair faded into nothing behind her. "I will measure your strength."

Matt grabs onto her leg, before she drifts too high. "Hey."

She doesn't acknowledge him, and instead starts floating in a slow circle around our party's general area. He's still stuck to her leg, too!

Groaning, Fred clutches his face. "For fuck's sake- do you two 'ave a thing for fairies or som'n!?"

Matt glances at him. "Only the highest quality."

...Looking restless, Mike complains. "Well, get _off_ her leg. We need to hit _her_ without hitting _you_."

…

We all stand here while the fairy drifts around us with Matt on her leg.

Ha-chan slowly drifts down to join us.

…

"What's your name?" Ha-chan asks her casually, floating up to meet with the fairy.

She opens her mouth-

...What, uh… what kind of noise was that?

...Ha-chan blinks. "Uhm…?"

It was like freakin'... wind blowing off of a empty jar, or a vacuum cleaner. A really calm vacuum cleaner.

"Is that your name?" Ha-chan gets up in the fairy's face.

"It has been written." The fairy gives a cryptic reply.

"Fucking…" Fred Fuckstone's ready to go nuclear, yo!

While the two fairies float, I see Matt beginning to lose his grip. He reaches for something to grab that isn't the slick stocking of the fairy, and ends up grabbing, uh…

Her skirt starts to drop-

Her eyes flare, paler tints of white and black revealed in them.

 _Fwoa~m!_

Expelled from her figure, Matt slides along the floor on his butt, a mysterious energy pushing him off and forcing Ha-chan away. "Wa~h!"

The fairy's form shimmers, and vanishes.

…

"Two of you are incomplete."

We turn to see the tricky dicky behind us! Ho ho ho~!

I exaggeratedly have a mini-seizure with my arms. "Jesus! Pulled a Harry Houdini or some shit!"

...Stretching her arms out, from behind her some weird bramble-like things extend outward. They stretch around the general circle where the party is, when a few start deviating and stretching towards us, as if intent on sliding into our figures.

"Accursed _frankenstein_ magic!" Mike observes, as he raises his sword. Then, he employs the fabled strategy of running in a circle to avoid oncoming damage!

Fred's taken by surprise. "Wo- _wot!?_ "

A bramble slides into him. " _Ow!_ Gaa~h!" He stumbles out of it, as if they didn't share the same space. The bramble was more like metal; flat, two dimensional, and freakin' sharp lookin'. It had a sliver of crimson on it once Fred moved away, but it quickly faded into the bramble's ethereal form.

"Gravity." Matt flexed his hand.

 _Fwoa~m_. An orb of darkness formed over the fairy, expanding as it enveloped the fairy's form. Once it finalized, it vanished.

"Gh…"

The fairy's boots loudly stamped against the dirt path's surface, her arms flexed as if she was pushing against the air. The brambles still remained around us, but they didn't actively shift, instead stopping all activity on a dime.

The fairy's hands crackled with white electricity, and she stared forward with her usual blank expression.

"Now!" Fred exclaimed.

Mike ran towards the fairy. "I will see you _slain!_ "

As he nears, he swings wide. "Hra~h!"

"Hahn!" The fairy lets out a yell as the sword slices through her, but her body reforms where the blade slid through, white electricity accenting the slash's covered area.

From there, she raises her hand-

 _Cling!_

A magical barrier formed. Mike swung at it-

Cling!

-and his sword bounced off, naturally.

"The most _foul_ of tricks…!" He grimaced.

"She _blocked_ your sword! To _prevent_ you from killing her!" What a disaster!

"Who would do such a thing!?" Seeking answers, Mike swung at the mirror-like barrier again.

Cling! Answer's not gonna change, big guy. No matter how many times ya freakin'...

He swings again-

Cra~ck!

The magic barrier shatters, but she's not on the other side.

...I look around, and she's to our right, just floating there behind the brambles. Matt's also working around the side towards her, since he was trapped outside the ring of pain.

"The most vile of _gangster_ magic!" Raising his fist to the sky, Mike draws a huge scowl. "She has escaped!"

Gangster magic…!?

...I watch Matt move up to her side. He taps her on the shoulder-

She quickly slides back in the air, and two light orbs expel from her hands-

Frash-Frash!

They explode into bright, shimmering orbs of similar non-elemental energy that the shield seemed to be made of. Matt flew back, passing harmlessly through the steel-like brambles before landing next to us. "Hrmh…"

...I reach forward and try to grab a bramble, only for my hand to phase through entirely, as if it wasn't even there. Jesus, what is this fairy made of!? S'it the lovechild of some holy and dark fairies or some shit!?

"Blast!" Mike runs into the brambles, and at the fairy. When he gets close, she slides back again, and repeats the same strategy that launched Matt-

Frash! Frash!

"Huwoa~h!" Mike flew back through the air, his sword clattering beside him once he landed next to us. "Augh!"

...Dusting himself off, Matt stood up. "Well this is going to be annoying."

"Thunda~!" Fred tried to be cool.

Thwa~sh! A single small bolt struck down, striking the unknown elemental fairy.

"Uhn…!" She flinched.

She hasn't done any really dangerous attacks yet, so I just jump in place. "Woa~h!"

...Fred turns to me. "She- she didn't even attack you. Why're you yelling?"

...I use my yelling magic on him. "Aah!"

Matt moves towards the fairy, slowing to examine the bramble but pushing through it anyway, finding out it offers no resistance.

...Finally, Mike gets off his ass. "U~rgh… the trickery of fairies knows no bounds."

All of the previous brambles suddenly vanish without explanation.

Stumbling around, Fred blinks. "Oh… okay."

Then, the fairy summons more of the weird brambles from her arms, forming another ring around all of us.

Matt's closed the distance between himself and the fairy, this time. He drew the pink scissors from his pocket, and tossed them forward, to the side of the fairy.

Once he was close for too long, the fairy's eyes flared, and he was pushed back again, slowly sliding towards us. This time, however, the scissors went around her form, wrapping her up in a _very_ hard to see string he had tied to the scissors. They returned to him with some freakin' otherworldly level of force, allowing him to lock himself at a certain, mediocre distance.

The brambles slid towards us, again! This time, Fred booked it, running circles within the ring. He ran through the moving brambles a few times, but was ultimately unscathed. Where the frik are their hitboxes…?

I dodge out of the way of the tip of one extending bramble, but it literally curves just to hit me-

"Gugh…!" Wo-woah…

My vision blurs for a moment as I step back out of the bramble. I check myself for wounds, but can't seem to find any. Even so, I see some blood on the bramble as it extends back towards the ring…

I feel like I got stung by a freakin' bee. Jesus…!

"You'd dare injure your own kind!?" Mike roars while doing fuck and all to actually attack the fairy at the moment. "Have you no shame!?"

Fred sighs. "Mate- look… she's a _fairy_ , he's… he's not even actually a-"

"Youkai are youkai." Mike makes his intelligence pronounced.

"...Ah." Throwing an arm into the air, Fred shakes his head.

Slowly, Matt moves towards the fairy, wrapping some of the string around scissors as he slowly closed in on her.

...Once he got within adequate distance, her eyes flared again. He found his legs getting pushed back, but not the rest of himself, leading to him having to power walk to not trip.

I took out Fairy Harp, "Don't worry, son, I gotcha covered," and tossed it!

As it neared the fairy, it stopped and came back towards me.

I was not prepared for that! It fell and hit my knee. "Ow- shit! Freakin'... yo ho ho! It came back, dude, it came back!"

Well, so much for that. Glad I didn't chuck the Bawmber at her, then…!

"Come o~n!" Letting out a battlecry, Mike charged forward. Eventually, the current was too strong for him, leading to him being stuck running in place as he tried to close in on her.

"You people are fucking stupid, I swear…" With that, Fred cast another spell. "Ignite!"

A fireball expanded around the unidentified fairy's form, engulfing her.

Fwoom!

Once it was gone-

Pi- _Chuu-Chuu-Chuu~sh_ …

The fairy exploded into a violent blast of wind. The gust surged outward, whipping past all of us and pushing us a little.

In the midst, a dark grey stone fell to the ground. Matt quickly moved to snatch it up, since he was closest. What, she drop a freakin' regular rock, or somethin'?

"Fucking… _finally._ " Exhaling, Fred turns around. "C'mon. We gotta get the hell outta here before the Hakurei miko beats us up for lookin' funny. _Especially_ you." He points at me.

"We must make haste! Let us move!" Raising his sword up, Mike dashed ahead.

I briefly brushed the spot where that bramble poked through me, still kinda able to feel it. Freakin' bee stings do that to ya.

As I moved forward, Ha-chan floated overhead and Matt caught up alongside me. We continued forward towards the Misty Lake area, where Cirno hopefully won't be today.

If all the mook waves we get're gonna be like that, this is gonna be a long day…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 48

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY:

Youkai Inconveniencer - Semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but isn't particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Slight damage vulnerability when used, which has worn over time. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger's gained the ability to deal electrical and holy damage. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy...

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out what they are…

Toasty Yuki-onna Kimono - Best winter clothing twenty fifteen. Fifty percent ice and freezing resistance, but _negative_ fifty percent fire and burning resistance!

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

Mike, the Generic Youkai Hunter - A guy straight from the Holy Crusades who looks like he's about to drop from a freakin' siege tower. Broad shouldered, short hair, and has holy armor… which doesn't do a hell of a lot of good when we fight anything that isn't holy. Doesn't seem to know any magic, but he can throw his sword like a boomerang! He's…. he's got that goin' for him.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Angel Blade - A very creatively named holy sword. Does holy damage. That's… that's it. If you fill it with mana, you can throw it like a boomerang. If you don't have the technique down, the return trip will fuck you up, though. Looks like a rather standard broadsword.

INVENTORY:

Mega Potion - Gives entire party youkai-like regeneration for a few moments. How, like… how does a party even use this? Do we all drink from it, or what!?

Hi-Potion - One of the instant-heal potions of yore. Instantly heals health to full, for most humans. Probably crappy for anyone who's not a human, though.

Potion - Gives user youkai-like regeneration for a few moments.

(four more spaces)

Fred, the Elementalist Human Mage - Hey, look, it's Fred Fuckstone! Knows a lotta basic elemental spells, ranging from fire to thunder and frost, a~nd… that's it. I think. He can fly, too, but seems to like to not do that. Probably hooked up with that Sarah girl while I wasn't lookin', which is _pretty_ darn cute, yo. At least he's not trying to raid the mansion, anymore. I think.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Wood Staff - You can freakin' hit people with it, du~de! Probably lets Fred use magic, or something.

INVENTORY:

Hi-Ether - Restores a fuckton of mana, more than most humans can hold.

Ether - Restores a _humane_ amount of mana.

(one more space)

Hana, the Electric Elemental Stalker Maid - She's friendly, dude. She's getting better at using thunder magic, too! Cyan hair and eyes, likes to be fluffy, so on and so forth. I don't got a whole lot ta add about her…

PRIMARY WEAPON: A really weak zap attack!

INVENTORY:

Probably some rocks - Yeah.

Matthew, the Debatably Sane Outsider, Lord of Edges, Scissor-Slinging Slasher, Insurance Fraud Expert

PRIMARY WEAPON: Pro~bably a pair of scissors…? - They're sharp, and allow you to _stab_ people! Like a _murdererman!_

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A bag that holds some of his crap.

What's Inside That Bag - I have no freakin' idea- look, look, just go back to his freakin' chapter. It'll all pretty much be there!

(? spaces remaining)

[Mattpack] - Probably full of more crap! Looks a little light, though.

More Stuff - Aaa~h, aaaa~h!

Dense Shard - That thing he just picked up. I dunno what he did with it, though, but it's his now.

(? spaces remaining)

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Ho ho~!

hello friends

and that's another batch DOWN YO; college done did beat me the fuck up but i lived through my semester and things

let me tell you: the 'real world' fucking sucks… and by that, i mean i'm just bellyachin' about jobs and how job markets work and yadda yadda you're not here to hear about that

BUT ANYWAY school goes well

it's winter break now which may or may not mean faster progress but you probably won't notice because i like to take my time anyway

also i spent the last week not writing at all and just working on a little certain somethin' that i might unveil if i find the correct resources and find the right time to finish it up; it's fanfic related but is moreso practice for myself in the field it pertains to

i'm keeping it a surprise for now because i'm a cheeky bastard- but DON'T go suspectin' no christmas releases or anything, i'd have to be some kinda god to finish it that fast

consider this chapter batch my christmas present to you, yo… even if ya don't celebrate it 'cause my POINT STILL STANDS

once again i'm gonna shamelessly beg for feedback, because that's just what i do, i want you guys to hold my hand like i'm five and tell me how terrible/great things are goin' with this fic; i know that might seem improper or something but y'know, FIFTY THOUSAND WORDS LATER and it's just me and my proofreader up in here, you start ta feel like yer CAUGHT IN AN ECHOCHAMBER

although i do sincerely thank all of you who gave me big paragraphs of feedback for the last batch of chapters; it really means a lot to me to supply me with feedback, and the more indepth you get, it really helps me gauge audience appeal and whether or not i'm getting things or becoming a freakin' insane person etc... so yeah, big shout out to all you guys, it really _really_ means a lot to me; people like you help me better build stories

...echochamber looks weird when capitalized

anyway yeah

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Kwanza, Happy freakin'... _Halloween_. Have a good one, folks!

and as always… see you all next time!


	60. Competitive Cooperative Gameplay

(in which we get kunai shoved into our retinas)

The four of us are now moving around the misty lakeside! It's cool and cold… maybe a little too cold, but I got my toasty robe on, yo.

Up ahead, I think I see Cirno and someone else doing their daily things. How boring would it be to be a wild youkai, anyway? Do they just socialize all day when they're not eating the flesh of humans?

"It is the maids from Scarlet!" Mike observes with his keen youkai exterminator eyes.

A~nd he was totally wrong. Cirno's not even in a maid outfit, and that other girl doesn't even have wings, just these like, swoosh things around her. She's not in a maid outfit _either!_

"Must be some raggedy ass maids, then…" Yeah, Fred's not buyin' it either. "Have you ever heard a' glasses, Mike?"

He scoffs. "Just another weak point. I must be without weak points. Even the stupidest youkai are smart, and the smartest youkai are stupid." He pats his chest. "Lessons to live by."

...What is this dude _on!?_

...I look behind us to make sure Ha-chan and Matt are still there, and they are. Matt's just taking in the scenery, and Ha-chan got _really_ close to me when I didn't notice!

"...Hi." I greet her.

"I'm smart!" She took Mike's advice on youkai to heart, her grin intensifying.

"...Ye." Not gonna interfere with that, yo. She's cuddly.

Eventually, we march straight towards the youkai and Cirno like the chucklefucks we are. I'm sure you're just an endless hole full of recovery items, Mike. Why don't we waste some more fighting freakin'... _Cirno._

"Shh!" Mike brings his sword to his lips. "We must conduct _espionage_ before we make our presence loud and clear."

If you say so, son.

"Just- okay… look here." The black-and-red-haired youkai held two arms out. "If you rob this bank… you can use the _money_ I allow you to buy _candy_."

Cirno had a focused look… "Wait… how do _you_ allow me the money? Do you have it?"

"No- I claim it. You steal it, I get seventy-five percent." She nods. "Understand this time?"

"Eye steal it from you?" Cirno was even more lost. "Do Eye only take fifty-seven percent? Wait- how do Eye know…?"

The youkai puts her arms on her head. "You _fucking_ idiot!"

"By all that is holy!" Mike suddenly yells at them. "I will scribe your names upon my blade… with my sword?" He pauses. "...I will scribe your… names in the soil? With my- it doesn't matter- your deeds are through, scoundrels!"

Mike, dude… there's a _limit_ to these things. Yer pushin' that limit!

The girl scrunches her face. "Fuck, the guard… what the fuck're you doing out this far? Lost your crappy map?"

Mike jerks his head back. "Lost? Hah! If only I were so stupid… you see, we are on a _quest_ to slay an _elite_ youkai. We will dirty our blades with your soil if need be."

...Y'know, that kinda implies we're gonna die. Good threat.

Fred sighs, raising his staff as he walks up aside Mike. "Look- just… just go. We don't want any trouble, but we got trouble to give if ya try ta give us some."

The black-haired girl grins, running her eyes across the party, locking eyes with almost all of us once. "Fine. Don't feel like wasting my time with you _losers_ anyway. Actually… now that I think'a it, there's no _way_ you're the town guard."

Mike grins. "What gives you that impression? I don only the finest holy armor."

"You've got a fairy, a mage, that totally-a-human with the mask on, and…" She eyes over me. "...A fucking male yuki-onna."

Hyonk. "It's a funny story, yo. Y'see, it all started when-"

"Don't wanna hear it. Busy." With that, she begins to float off. She pauses to look over at Cirno. "Also, ice fairy? Go suck a dick." She flips off the fairy before drifting off.

Cirno blinks. "...Suck a what, now?"

...Mike marches closer to her. "I ask that you scatter, too, fairy! Or else, I will have to slay you."

...Turning to him, she props her hands on her hips, sporting a very smug grin. "Oh, yeah? Eye'm the strongest!"

A gasp! "You _dare!?_ " Looking to reclaim his lost pride, Mike brings his blade up, holding it solidly with two hands. "I will make you eat your boasts, youkai!"

Then-

Fwoom!

Pi~chun!

...Fred lowered his hand, the fireball that consumed Cirno dissipating.

"What black magic is this!?" Mike looked around, his eyes wide as he searched for the fairy.

"Mine, you bloody 'tard." Continuing ahead, Fred began to lead instead. "Look, next time y'see some youkai twats… don't just _walk up_ t' them!"

"But they must be slain!" Mike objects loudly, his eyes flaring. "Are you a sympathizer!?"

"I'm a _realist!_ " With that, Fred looks ahead to the path, cutting the conversation. "Now c'mon."

I don't say anything because I'd rather not have to knock anyone out with my array of blunt objects to diffuse the inevitable heated brawl.

"...You guys're somethin' else, yo." Alright, I had ta say _somethin'!_

It doesn't take long for us to make it to the path that leads to the mansion. Despite the cold, it's really turning out to be a nice day, today! This kimono helps- I know I keep sayin' this- but _dayum!_

Also… "We should take a left into the woods." I announce abruptly.

"And wank off?" Fred does not yet see the sense in this plan.

"Yes." There's no flaws with that plan.

...Furrowing his brows, Fred glances at me. "I, uh, was jokin', mate."

"I was not." I slowly grin as I nod.

He notices my grin. "Ah, fuck off…"

But seriously. "I'm sayin' this, 'cause the gate guard sits at the front of the gate every day-"

"-and sleeps her ass off." Fred finishes my sentence. "I know already."

"Did you know?" I turn to the holy Mike.

Nodding thoughtfully, he disagrees. "I was not aware. In that case, we can definitely kill her in her sleep."

Goddamn it, Mike.

"I second this idea." Matt, no.

" _Sons._ " I'm not gonna let these noobs get wiped that fast! "...Lemme tell ya that Meiling is not easy to kill."

"Neither are we." Fred grins at me.

Oo~h yeah we are. Meiling's a fucking _Dragonborn_.

I suppose I'll bullshit this! "Dude- seriously. Like… I don't wanna talk about this, but-"

"You gots the hots for her?" Holding his grin, Fred continues. "We can capture her jus' fer you, then."

 _Son…!_

Matt casually nods in the back. "She does have nice legs."

Ignoring his _problematic prodding_ , I keep edging my story along. "I tried fighting her once, with a group of, uh, assholes. Kinda like you assholes!"

"You must have me mistaken." Mike doesn't look back at me to dismiss my jab.

...Nope, yo, I checked. On the back'a yer head yo- it'sa sticker. 'Certified Grade-A Asshole'.

Anyway… "For real- two dudes with bows, and a sword guy. I was just around 'cause one of them was my friend- and man did we get _fucked._ "

...Fred's not buyin' it. "Oh, yeah. They just _took_ you along."

O~h boy, we're coming up on the gate…!

"Can we go beat up the quest objective yet?" Matt protests at what is probably the last moment. "She'd slaughter us one by one. Let's not."

...Mike sighs. "I suppose it would prolong this quest, and I hadn't brought a tent. Very well, we shall leave her for another day."

Whatever day that is, it's gonna be your last, son.

"Aw, really…" Fred's not happy about that, either. "Whatever."

Freakin' _noobs_ , yo… I gotta buy them an official strategy guide for this freakin' land.

Diverting, we instead walk away from the gate and towards the side walls around the exterior of the mansion. Once we quickly make it to the corner, we turn the side and keep our eyes peeled…

"This is the area where our enemies await." Mike announces with finality, yo. "Keep all eyes open, men. Being unprepared is no excuse for dying."

...Oka~y!

Then, from over the wall and from over the treetops, some small, black things float out. When they closed in, I could see that…

Oh. Oh, boy.

They were more pot things, except smaller. Fluffles sat inside with tinier pot lids on their heads like little hats.

Three of them hovered from above, and I could see black rims on the tops and bottoms of the little pots.

Well, that's kinda an imposing color scheme! If these things cast Revenge or something equally stupid, I'm out, yo.

"Fluffles from the _skies!_ " Pointing his sword up, Mike yells. "The mansion has sicced their watchdogs on us!"

Not all inhuman things are one big human-munching family, y'know.

Once the pot things were low enough- probably for us to jump and whack- they began glowing a faint orange.

"O~h, fuck…" I brace myself by takin' out Deep Blue. "Look out for fire, yo!"

And then-

Fwam, fwam, fwam!

Three orange fireballs were shot from the black pots. They fell to the floor like rocks, before bouncing off the floor like _rubber balls_ as they moved towards us.

That's the most unorthodox way to cast a fireball _ever_. That's even sillier than mine!

"Flaming balls of _frankenstein_ fire!" Astonished, Mike quickly does this awkward hobbling run to the side to get out of the way, looking like he just saw fire for the first time.

 _Frankenstein_ fire.

"Wh-what the…?" Strafing to the side, Fred was thrown off by how the projectiles worked.

As the fireballs bounced along, they left patches of fire in their wake. Matt and I moved out of the way sluggishly, 'cause they really weren't bouncing very fast…!

Once they ran their course, bouncing some ways behind us-

Fwoom! They broke into flames, burning up some remaining leaves behind us.

Mike ran towards them because that's what you do with things that shoot projectiles. "Begone!" Bringing his sword down-

Clack!

The pot thing he struck spun in the air, not terribly affected by his attack. "Waa~l!"

Taking Deep Blue, I slam it into the floor! "Unh!"

Fwuush! A tiny geyser shoots up under one of the pot things, not quite hitting it. Curse you, aerial opponents!

"Here!" Ha-chan puts her arm up in the air!

Thwa~sh!

Woah! That was _almost_ a thunderbolt!

The pot she struck spun in the air, too, but had electricity crackling on its form for some good time after she struck it.

Mike swung wide towards the one Ha-chan struck, for _whatever_ reason, and whiffed completely.

The pot things began glowing again! I think these are like, the lesser cousins of the Blazing Bastards.

"Deep freeze!" Fred holds his staff up.

An ice shard generates, encapsulating one of the pot fluffle people, and shatters. As it shatters, the pot breaks, and the fluffle vaporizes.

Fwam! Fwam!

The two remaining ones immediately target Mike, and-

Boom! Boom!

-the fireballs explode on his armor, lighting him on fire.

"Aah! Aaaaa~h!" He begins yelling! "I-I am ablaze! Their _deadly touch_ fire magic! It has _claimed me!_ "

"Jesus!" Running towards him as smoke comes from his armor, I turn on Deep Blue to max!

Fwuu~sh! Water sprays out like a powerful hose, and I find it hard to keep it stable as it freakin' _soaks me_. Getting near Mike, I nail the fluffles a little-

"Waa~l…" They 'wal' ominously at me, annoyed by my shenaniganry, or something.

-then I douse Mike.

"Co-co~ld!" He doesn't have a toasty kimono, yo.

"I know!" I yell at him because I'm wet and cold, too… which kinda offsets my kimono. Dammit, Mike. "Stand still!"

"I-I cannot!" He swings his sword at one of the pot things again, which makes it spin, again. "The pa-pain and... cold! This is _horrible!_ "

Fred is somewhere between amused and disgusted. "Maybe y'shouldn't 'a fuckin' _ran at them_ and ate their fireballs like a _twat!_ "

Ha-chan shoots her arm into the air, and electricity travels off it and into the air.

Thwash! Another deficient bolt struck the one Mike targeted-

Cra~ck! The pot fell apart, and a fluffle was left to scurry away.

"Yea~h!" How in the _hell_ is Ha-chan one of our most reliable sources of damage!?

There is only one lonely pot thing left, but it feels brave, yo, it's still hoverin' around us menacingly!

"Sto-stop!" Mike puts his arms up, stepping back as I continue to spray him. "I-I would ra-rather burn th-than be- egh- afflicted by such co-cold…!"

Fortunately, I think he's almost totally out… "There, yo. Now stop running at them in a straight line."

"Someone kill that last one!" Fred beckons us, pointing at it with his staff. "I don't feel like wastin' my mana on one lil' git."

I turn to it. The little frik's not even charging a fireball, it's literally just floating around.

Mike runs towards it. "I-I will bring justice!"

Then, it began glowing a faint orange again.

Mike took my advice, this time. "After I advance in the opposite direction!"

...Once he was out of range, the pot thing turned towards me. In preparation, I undid the valve on Deep Blue again and let myself get doused. "No-now, yo… let's see who has the elemental advantage!"

Fwam! It fires its fireball-

Fwoom. It explodes prematurely after I hose it down, the explosion weaker than normal.

"Get owned, noob!" I run at it! "Get owned!"

It gets hosed down by the water, and floats out of range. Then-

Thwash! One of Ha-chan's weak thunderbolts strikes it-

Cra~ck! The pot explodes, the electricity darting across the fragments. The fluffle exploded into dust, too!

"Elemental _combo!_ " I pump my arm into the air… and twist Deep Blue shut, because oof. Whelp, now I'm cold as shit again…

"Yea~h!" Ha-chan floated into the air, kicking her legs excitedly. "I'm awesome!"

Fred snorted, eying her. "...Y'know, fer a fairy, y'don't look half bad."

Fred, you don't need to die today, yo. If you actually hit on my fairy friend, though, I'm gonna hit on _you_ , wit' a cast-iron hanger!

Ha-chan glances at him, before floating ahead, totally oblivious to his intent. "What're we gonna fight next?"

"Noobs." I decide.

"Wh-whatever youkai causes this accursed cold…" Mike shivers in his armor.

Winter is _not_ a youkai creation, you freaking neanderthal.

"Woo. Go team." Matt ceases to lean against a tree in the background, rejoining us.

"Where the hell were you in tha' last fight?" Fred turns to Matt inquisitively.

"Over there." Nonchalantly, Matt gives the tree a wave.

Fred was even more inquisitive. "Yeah, but why?"

"Why not?" Matt stared at him casually.

...After giving him a dry stare, Fred moved forward. "Alright, wh'ever. The bloody hell could this doppelganger be?"

"Home." Smiling warmly, I put a hand on Fred's shoulder.

"...Don't-... don't do that." He wiggles his shoulder a bit to get my hand off. "Weirdo. Look- put less energy inta bein' _weird_ and more energy into kicking youkai ass."

Matt comments. "I didn't know you swung that way, son."

 _Son._

I give him an enthused expression, before shaking my head.

"Look alive!" Mike suddenly shouts, getting closer to us. "A Scarlet elite! They've come to deal with us!"

A who?

I look ahead into the brush Mike ran out of…

Then, Patchouli walks out.

 _Wat._

...Her eyes aren't as tired as they usually are, and she's actually _walking_.

"...Hello." She waves at us. "I… I got lost in these woods, here. I don't know where I am…"

... _Gee_. That's not even Patchouli's _voice_.

Fred grins. "Oh, yeah…?" Please, for the love of god, Fred, don't be _this_ fucking stupid. "We can- y'know- take you back to the village, let you wind down, and-"

"We must _not!_ " Mike doesn't give a shit who she is. "She is dressed like a youkai, and youkai are to be purged! Sympathy will allow their actions to continue!"

"O-oh, please…!" 'Patchouli' gets on her knees. "I-I'd do anything!"

Fred is putty. "Dude- fuck's sake, she'll do _anything!_ C'mo~n!"

The real boss fight here is my party's sheer stupidity.

Looking over at Ha-chan, I see her brows furrowed. "...You're not Patchouli-sama."

…'Patchouli' blinks. "I-... I don't remember who I am. Was that my name?"

Ha-chan looks very focused.

"Let's kill it." Matt bluntly declares.

"Wh-what!? No!" 'Patchouli' cowers, putting her arms over her head. "Do-don't…!"

"God- we can bring her back alive!" Fred declares. "Alive!"

"She is a formidable Scarlet gangster!" Mike, where the fuck did you get your terminology from? "If we let her live, she might install frankenstein radio controls within the village!" Okay, dude, this quest's gettin' weird…!

"Can we just take her head and turn it in, already?" Matt's gettin' impatient, yo.

"Engarde!" Raising his blade, Mike runs at the obviously-not-Patchouli.

" _No!_ " Fred reaches out for him and grabs his shoulder plate, but ends up just getting dragged along a little instead. "Stop!"

"N-no…" Patchouli brings her arms over her head, and begins crying.

"Die!" Mike brings his blade down-

Woosh.

The form of Patchouli dissolved. Some black mist spread out, before a long shadow ran across the floor, to somewhere deeper in the brush. The mist traveled back along the path of the long shadow…

"She's getting away!" Mike runs after the mist.

"Wh-what…?" Fred doesn't even know what the hell just happened.

I run after Mike to make sure he doesn't get his tubby knight ass lost in the first twenty feet of brush, only to find him starin' slack-jawed at some broad.

"Ma-Marianne!?" He steps back a bit. "...Wh-what are you doing here!? This is no place for a damsel such as yourself!"

You guys are like, the personification of bricks.

"I-I don't know!" The obviously fake woman appears terrified. "I'm scared!"

"It's… it's okay." Mike steps towards her… "Come here, Marianne."

I run up to the girl, and bring Deep Blue back. Then, I try ta wham her!

Woosh! My plant hanger goes straight through her head like it doesn't exist.

Once again, the form breaks into black mist, and this time travels towards where the other party members are.

"Wh-what in blazes…!?" Mike is taken aback. "...The _foulest_ trickery!"

Ignorin' him, I run towards the mist, since it's close to the other noobs. Fred still looks like he doesn't know what the fuck is going on, Ha-chan seems to be hovering idly in my path, and Matt's doin' Matt, yo. Matt's just freakin' chilling out by the manor wall.

...Freakin', where'd that shadow thing go?

The brush shifts again…

Oh, hey, it's Yuuka Kazami, just walking out of the bushes.

...She casually just walks towards where the other party members are. Fred stumbles back. "Yu- _Yuuka Kazami!?_ Oh, _shit!_ "

Matt looks up at 'her'. He seems to pause for a moment, before relaxing. Breaking from the wall, he casually walks towards the 'Yuuka'.

"...Ho-how did I get here?" 'Yuuka' is a very innocent person, yo.

Matt moves to touch her face, and the faux-girl slightly recoils. His hand seems to brush her flesh, indicating it was really there.

...He retracts his arm and tries to punch.

Woosh. His arm went through the shadow clone's stomach, causing it to dissipate. This time, the long shadow was really solid, going behind a tree I could distinctly see.

Ha-chan was staring at me, puzzled. "What's going on…? All these people keep coming and dying..."

"There's this thing in many religions called reincarnation. Asshole to asshole." Matt jests.

"...Huh." Ha-chan nods. "Is that what happens to me when I die?"

He finally looks at her. "No, you're a freak of nature."

"Oo~h!" Something about that description appeals to her. I dunno what, though.

Anyway- tree!

I march for the tree, and look around it.

"Nnh…!" A girl with black bangs covering her eyes quickly turns away, and tries to run.

"Get back here, noob!" I run after her! "Masks won't hide you from my fists!"

"N-no!" She yells back at me. "Le-leave me… alone…!" Even when yelling, her voice is very meek and tame.

Once we're far enough away, she turns around… causing me to turn around!

"Leave me _alone!_ " She practically screams it, and-

Woosh! Oh, shit! Kitty got claws, yo, kitty got claws!

I decide to awkwardly run around the side of a tree, and check for her-

She drifts through the air on the straight line I was previously going in, drifting towards where the party was. Her hands are outstretched, long black nails protruding from her fingers like claws.

Ha-chan sees her as she drifts in my line, too! "Aah! Spooky lady!"

As she drifts out of the lady's way, she casts a bolt!

Thwash! It missed… 'cause it lagged too far behind her.

Once she was isolated enough, she dove into the floor. A round shadow traveled along the brush and towards the party again.

"Get back here, son!" I run after her. The tiny circle moves freakin' fast!

Ha-chan and I get back to the wallside. Mike and Fred are back there again, looking stupefied. 

"Oi." Fred greets me. "You see that lousy doppelganger?"

I open my mouth-

"Yeah! She's a freakin' noob!"

Another me walks out from behind a tree a little ways away from where I came out!

...I point at it. "Ho ho. You's a tricky one, yo."

Not-Brad sees me. "...Dude- guys! It's the doppelganger!" He points at me. "That's her!"

...Mike looks confused. "Which one of you is the real one?"

"Obviously the one that came from bumfuck nowhere." Fred was not as stupid, thankfully. " _Obviously._ "

"There is a simple solution for this." Matt looked back and forth between us. "If we don't know the real one, we must simply kill both."

Son.

The fake me overreacts to that. "What!? Dude- I thought we were friends. What the fuck?"

Matt turns to that one, staring at it.

"You're not Brad-kun." Ha-chan just knows. She puts her arm into the air-

Thwash! Electricity strikes down the shadow clone. The shadow this time traces back to like, the very tree the fake me came from.

Putting away Deep Blue, I slip out Million Bucks and begin jogging towards the frik. "Get back here, you slippery snakester!"

"A-ah…!" The shy-looking girl begins running in the opposite direction again. Okay, this time, I need a plan for when she turns around…

I reconsider Million Bucks, and pull out my janky freakin' Youkai Inconveniencer.

Turning on her heel, the doppelganger girl runs at me, her claws extended. "Ju-just _die!_ "

Holding my whip-esque plant hanger by the cross of the cross necklace that makes it a whip, I lash it out-

Thunk!

" _Aah!_ " She stumbles back after it hit her in the _face_ , yo. Then- "Raa~h!"

Oh, shit! All it did was piss her off!

"Oh, fuck, oh-" Swish!

Ow. That better not've… okay, that _totally_ cut my back and my kimono. Now I'm pissed, yo. Also that _fucking stings_.

Woosh! She swings for me again as I progress back towards the party.

"The doppelnoob's here, dudes!" Aaaaa~h, aaaa~h!

Mike runs out to engage it head-on. "Finally! Revenge for your foul ways!"

The girl turns to him as he nears, her eyes wide and desperate. "N-no! Go away! Go _away!_ "

He brings up his sword-

 _Cli~ng!_

"Gah!?" He falls back onto his ass, big scrapes left in his armor. She just like _unloaded_ on him.

With that, the girl takes into the air, and floats above us a little. "Leave me _alone!_ "

"I'm sure that's what alotta men toldja!" Fred waves his staff at her. "And I bet ya _fancied_ it!"

Twash! A thunderbolt from Ha-chan strikes her, and she drifts to the ground. "A-ahn…"

"A chance!" Mike runs towards her, eager to bring down his sword-

Her pupils contract. " _Leave me alo~ne!_ "

Fwoa~m! An orb of darkness expands around her form, stretching outward like five feet or so.

"Uwa~h!?" Mike gets launched back by it, dark residual hovering over his eyes as he buttslides away from the doppelganger.

Once it fades, she's standing in the center with her arms up at her sides, shaking. "I-I…"

I'm startin' ta get the impression she might not be a bad guy. E~nh.

Raising his staff, Fred casts a spell! "Freeze!"

An ice shard generates around her torso. "A-ah…?"

Kra~ck! It exploded into a barrage of tiny icicles which quickly dissolve once they go out of range.

" _Ahn!_ " She's knocked into the air by the attack. Deciding not to change that, she floats up higher. Why doesn't she just fly away?

Spreading out her arms and legs, she slowly glides overhead, dark particles left in the air behind her as she moves. Solid, purple orbs of danmaku steadily flutter to the ground from the bottom of her form…

I get away from 'em, because danmaku that moves that slowly usually becomes more danmaku.

Mike tries to run under her form to a T incase she lands… which she doesn't. So he runs into the danmaku orbs-

Fwam! Fwam! The two he hit explode into purple energy. "My- my eyes! She's _overwritten_ control of my vision! Help!" His head was almost completely engulfed with darkness that clouded his vision. His holy armor was spotless, though, making me think he should've invested in a holy helmet, too.

Too bad, son. Maybe you should have tried to avoid _any_ of the attacks.

Thwash! "Take that!" Ha-chan grins victoriously.

"Auh…!" The doppelganger is cast to the ground again, electricity bouncing around on her form. "O-ow~..."

Fred grins, and runs towards her. "You're mine, sweetie!"

...Fred, what are you doing? Fred, you're a mage! You don't run at the enemy, Fred!

When he nears her, he tries to reach out at her arms with his hand, as if to pull her along or something, when-

She swings one claw. " _Raa~h!_ "

"Gaugh!" Fred buckles, his robe ripped open and blood flying from his figure.

" _Ruh!_ " She swings another claw, this one sending him flying on impact.

Crack! She broke _something_ with that second swipe!

" _Aauu~gh!_ " Fred wails like a banshee as he's send sliding along the ground.

"Oh, no!" Ha-chan watches him slide away.

The doppelganger brings both claws back, before lunging forward. " _Die!_ "

Swoosh! She didn't close enough distance to hit anything.

Since Fred may or may not be dead, I think I'll stun everyone for the time being! Holding up Youkai Inconveniencer, I pour mana into it… and then-

Fwa~sh! A bright flash blinds everyone, and me.

"Ee~p!" The doppelganger squees.

"...I can see again!" Mike seems amazed. "God has blessed me with a miracle!"

Yeah, sure he did. "Mike, heal Fred or something!" I'm still rubbing my eyes back into freakin' existence… "He's probably dead, but do your best!"

"I-I'm not _dead!_ " Fred's strained voice meets me from the floor. "Ju-just- agh… _hurts_ so fuckingbad!"

"What!? Fear not!" Mike bounds towards him loudly, his steps known to me even when I'm freakin' blind 'cause he like stomps constantly. "I have restoration items!"

When my eyes finally come back from the dead, I see Mike kneeling over Fred, firmly shoving a potion into Fred's mouth.

"Ggh!" Fred makes noises that aren't drinking noises. "Ahk! Mm-kh!"

"Drink swiftly!" Mike yells at him. "...Yuki-onna, cover me!"

The doppelganger whirls back towards the forestry, going far faster than I can do anything about.

"...Yer covered, yo." I give an idle thumbs up.

"Aa~h…" Ha-chan finishes rubbing her own eyes. "...Where'd she go?"

Home.

...Then, the form of the girl runs out of the woods again, her claws outstretched and heading for me!

"Oh, fuck!" I swing Youkai Inconveniencer at her half-assedly, reacting on reflex.

Woosh…

The clone dissipated into mist at the slightly violent contact.

Alright, that was just _mean_ , yo. She's in the right, though…

"Fu-fu~ck…" Fred whines from the floor, his eyes teary as he stares up into the sky. His wounds look like they're healing, though!

"Alright…" Mike tosses the empty potion bottle to the side. "Come out, you swine! This is why we must kill you!"

...He stomps towards the woods, and when he gets near the brush-

" _Raa~h!_ " She lunges outward with both claws.

Cla~ng! 

"Gaa~h!" Mike's thrown away again, this time sliding on his back, the mighty tear throwing him to the floor. "Vi-vile…"

...Jankily, the doppelganger brings up her two hands, which are bloodied from all the smashing into people they had to do. This moment of stillness allows me to see the tears running down her face. "Nnh…"

"There!" Ha-chan notices she exists, and casts!

Thwash! "A-ahn…" The doppelganger jitters in place, cringing a bit.

I glance at Fred as he gets up off the floor, using his staff to support himself. " _Fuck_ me…"

I glance at Matt, only to see him not where he normally is against the wall in the background. Did he just get bored and leave?

Looking back at the girl, I see Matt coming up behind her. He's got his mask off, and he's quietly stepping towards her…

"O-ow…" She flexes her hands in front of her own face, probably examining the blood.

Then, he brings his hands around her face, smacking the mask on-

"A- _aaaa~h!_ " -and quickly doing the strap on the back. She yells like a banshee, but freezing up allows Matt to fall back.

"Calm down!" He announces. "Stop trying to kill us for a moment."

...She pauses, her back arched and her hand still close to her face. I notice the mask is on upside down.

Mike's just standing there, not sure what to make of what's going on.

Fred's- "Kaugh! Kauff! Kauff! U-ugh…" -slowly dying, apparently.

"I want to ask you something." Matt makes his intentions known.

...The girl twitches a little. "Wh-...why?"

He follows up. "'Cause I'm curious. Why don't you just _run away?_ " His expression looks dry. "We're trying to slay you, you know."

…

"Be-because…" She sobs. "My home… a-and my friends-..." She freezes. "...If-if I run away… you'll hurt them, too. Th-thats… how humans are..."

"Then you would be correct." Matt nods, even if she can't see anything right now. She's not even facin' him. "Although not in this case, since we don't give a shit."

Mike turns to us. "See this? Our peer is teaching us an important lesson."

Fred rolls his eyes. "Li-like what?" His voice was still strained from half the potion going down his windpipe. "How to-.. ho-how to pick up youkai girls?" He clears his throat. "Ngh…"

Matt continues. "What kinds of friends?"

...She seems genuinely thoughtful, for a moment. "Uh-uhm… good ones. The kind… that like you."

"Good." Matt nods again. "...Where did you learn to do space attacks?"

…Say what now?

"...A-a kind…" She shakes her head. "No… yo-you'll try to hurt her."

Mike continues. "You see, he is _educating_ us on youkai trickery. These are the kinds of gangster radio control tactics they employ."

...Okay, okay- where… the _frik_ … did _gangster radio control_ come from? And it just slipped in like a totally normal thing to say, too!

Fred huffs. "Okay, mate…"

"We aren't savages." Matt scans us as he says this, his eyes lingering on Mike. "Most of us, anyway."

Stepping around her, he takes care to lift… some freakin' _hedge cutters_ from his backpack, moving around her front. He awkwardly jabs them into the dirt next to himself, doing so slowly enough that I can't hear it from over here. She probably did, but I don't think she has a clue.

Then, he reaches forward, and begins to lift the mask. "We would just like to have a conversation with her."

Once the mask is lifted enough, he stares into her eyes… or tries to. Her bangs like, hardly let her _nose_ show, yo.

He pauses at this. "...So yeah, would you please tell us." The mask is taken off of her fully, his movements slightly less delicate.

...She pouts. "N-no. I can't…"

I can't see Matt's face, so engh. "I see."

…

"Would you… if I gave you…"

Quickly, he bends his legs, and rips the hedge cutters from the floor. Bringing them up with both arms, he jabs them into the base of her neck.

Shink.

"A-ahk…!?" Her eyes widen, and her claws slowly extend again, but she hasn't done more than jitter her hands awkwardly.

Matt tries to open the hedge cutters.

As he struggles to fold them open, the hole he made in her neck begins to expand, and he begins to shove it in deeper, the blades traveling deeper below and up her throat.

"Hhh~!" An airy hiss comes from her throat, sounding more like air being let out of a balloon than a cry for pain. Her arms try to grab the hedge cutters, her clawed hands interfering with one another, shaking violently.

"Wh-what the _fuck_ …" Fred brought his hand up to his mouth. "O~h, gods… the hell is he doing t' her? That's in her _neck!_ "

Mike just has his eyebrows raised, again unsure of where this is going.

"Uhm…" Ha-chan slowly floated to the floor beside me, before stepping closer to me.

So… this is how he does it. He just _does it_.

Matt shifts, putting more gravity onto his back leg with his posture. Like this, he's able to force the upper blade of the hedgecutters at an upward, deep angle-

Kr-krik! "Hhh~..." Her body jerks and spasms, her legs moving under her like she was being held up, even if it didn't really look like it from this angle…

Then, he tried to shut the hedge cutters.

"Hh-hhh~..." Her jaw is firmly locked as the awkward noise came from the hole in her throat like the last few.

"Hngh…" Matt really tries to get it in there good.

"Bloody hell…" Fred looks away. "My gods, mate… I-I'm gonna be sick- this is fucking ridiculous..."

Then, he manages to bend her head back at an awkward angle.

"Ghh…" The inexperienced doppelganger made her final airy breath, her body ceasing to struggle.

…

"Well." Mike nods slowly. "...That may have been just a little excessive."

Ha-chan gets behind me, not saying anything.

Pulling back the hedge cutters, Matt lets the corpse of the doppelganger fall forwards as he tries to remove them, which looks like it takes a few tugs. He manages it by shaking them a bit, until they become loose from her corpse. Then _she_ falls forwards.

Thud.

"Well, that worked better than I expected." He looks over his bloodied hands, and the bloodied hedge cutters. "...Okay, so who's going to cut off the head?"

...Mike shrugs. "I'll… do that."

"Y'feel proud of y'self?" Fred almost cautiously walks towards the corpse, staring down at the angle the neck is bent at. "Gods…" He looks away.

"I feel less bored, if that's what you mean." Matt takes a moment to awkwardly look at his bloodied hands and the cutters again. Looking back at the corpse, he moves around it and crouches. Grabbing for the fabric of her black dress, he uses it to wipe at the blood on his hands before anything else, then begins to use it to wipe down the rusty hedge cutters.

"Yo-you're really doing that?" Fred chuckles incredulously. "You're _really_ fucking doing that? Just… alright. Alright, mate."

"What else am I gonna use." He phrases it more like a statement than a question. "I'm not going to dirty my suit."

...Fred shakes his head. "Whatever…"

...Slowly, I meander towards them, feeling slightly apprehensive about participating in the brutal murder of what was _probably_ an innocent girl. "So~...! You kill people…!"

"When necessary." He clarifies.

...Wait. "Was this really necessary, son?"

"We were supposed to kill her, right?" He raises a brow at me, before going back to cleaning his stuffs.

...I _think_ we were. I was kinda hoping we'd cross that bridge when we got to it and maybe brought her back alive, but y'know…! S'a _bit_ late for that!

I shake my head. "I hope we don't get some pissed off bigger youkai tracking us down for murdering her friend or something."

"They probably won't even know she's gone." Matt dismisses the idea.

"Or that." I snort. "...If anybody asks, yo, I didn't see a freakin' _thing_."

Something about this leaves a bad taste in my stomach, but I don't think there'd be much use caring about it beyond this point. What happened happened, yo.

"...Is she dead?" Ha-chan finally catches up to us, and questions the well-being of the doppelganger.

O~h, Ha-chan.

...I turn to Fred, and he's just facepalming.

I look over at Mike, who's busy awkwardly looking busy while Matt finishes up with his hands and the blades of his hedge cutters.

Looking between Ha-chan and Matt, I see him waiting for his freakin' moment to shine, yo. Well, I'm not gonna let him, yo!

"...Well, yeah." I nod. "She was just brutally murdered by one of our teammates." No way am I gonna be able to spin this shit! That, and I have a feeling Ha-chan knows what dead people look like. She probably asked that question more out of disbelief that things got so real so fast.

"...Why?" She frowned, looking more sad than distraught.

"It was part of the quest." Matt adds, finally standing from the corpse. "We're getting paid for this." With that, he moves over towards his backpack, to put away the hedge cutters.

"..." She sighs. "...Okay."

Me and her are probably gonna need a talk about life later. Now I'm feelin' for her, yo…

Taking a deep breath, Fred sighs. "I dunno what I expected, t'be perfectly honest, but, y'know… couldn't we 'a killed her in a more _humane_ way?"

Mike actually speaks out against that. "Humane? She's a _youkai_ , Fred."

Fred scrunches his face. "Oh, piss off! Don't give me that shit _now_ , you bloody zealot. You were put off, too!"

Mike furrows his brows. "It may have been excessive, but your comrade here is a shining example of what we must do when we encounter youkai. If you treat them like people, you are only worsening things for everyone. What the village really needs is to expand its borders and hunt single species at a time. We might actually get somewhere!"

I have a feeling if they ever actually got their shit together that good, Yukari would immediately un-get their shit together for them.

"But- ugh…" Fred looks very unhappy. "Givin' me a headache, y'bastard."

"Well, good." He finally sits down next to the dead doppelganger. "Maybe you'll realize that it is humanity's duty to purge this world of youkai."

"What's the point of arguing." Matt's leaning against a tree in the back, again. "Isn't this what we signed up for?"

...Fred sighed. "I _guess_. I've never really been out on these hunts before..." Aa~h, that explains it. "I've fought youkai around 'n' outside the village, but…" He looks back down at the corpse. "Shit. Never killed the bastards."

Mike nods knowingly. "Look. Just because they look human, doesn't mean they are human. Let me tell you, when I killed my first youkai, I was almost as moved as you! It gets easier, trust me. Think of them like..." He ponders. "Rocks. Really mean rocks."

"Or ants." Matt nods in the background.

I do not like the things I am hearing!

"...Mmm." Fred looks away, still displeased with this outcome.

...Sympathy for the human village is dropping rapidly, yo. I only excuse ignorance to a certain point!

With that, Mike gets to cutting the head with his holy blade. He has a bit of trouble with it, but, uh, eventually manages to get it off.

He ties her hair one of a couple rings around the bottom hem of his chestplate. "There we go. Now, we just need to find this wind elemental bee…"

"Oh, joy." Fred rolls his eyes. "We gonna brutally murder that one, too? How about we rip her tits off and put 'em on backwards? That do anything for ya?"

...Mike stares at him blankly. "Not particularly, no. We should value efficiency. Not all of us here are as experienced of..." He searches for a word to tactfully sugarcoat what Matt did. "Diplomatic assassins."

"That _would_ be pretty kinky." Matt slips his mask back on.

"..." Fred _really_ looks like he wants to retort, but decides not to.

Moving along the manor's wall, we make our way to the edge again. If we took a left from here, we'd be back in front of Meiling.

"Let us not meet the gatekeeper with a head." I declare. "We're goin' through the woods."

"We can take her." Mike announces.

"Son, no." I shake my head at him. "We'd get our asses removed."

"She's probably _asleep._ " Mike, no.

"We only got so many hours in the day, son!" We're goin' through the woods, and that's that! "We can't fight the Dragonborn and a wind bee in one day!"

"I'm sure he-" Mike gestures to Matt, "-has an excellent plan by now to deal with that gatekeeper."

"Yeah. Go in the opposite direction." _Thank you_.

...Mike seems thrown off by the answer, but goes along with it anyway. "Well, alright, then…"

With that, Fred and I walk ahead while Matt and Mike tail behind us. Ha-chan's lagging behind us, not as enthused as when she began following along.

As we move through the side of the woods, I notice more of those fluff pot things float by overhead. They don't stop for us, though, and they seem to be getting tailed by water fairies. Honh, honh…

Five of the pot things float from a far section of the woods, and out into the forestry before us.

"They're trying to _intimidate_ us with hybrid youkai dust people." Mike narrows his eyes.

You live on a different planet, dude.

The pot things didn't focus on us, though.

Fwam, Fwam, Fwam, Fwam, Fwam! They all fired in one direction, to like the north-west… if we were facing north.

" _Wind!_ "

Fwowowoo~sh!

All of the fireballs were pulled abruptly towards somewhere deeper in the woods.

O~h, boy.

...The pot-fluffs float around, centered around their target a bit, when-

"Aeroga!"

A whirlwind generates under them, pulling all of the pot things together.

"Waaaa~l!" The fluffles wail!

From the forestry ahead, a woman spirals out, moving for the floating fluffs. When she nears-

"Fufufu~!" She shakes the huge hive-like honeycomb butt she has. Five large, windy beams spiral out, and home for the fluffles.

Once they all strike their targets-

 _Cra~ck!_ All the pots shatter, and the fluffles float up, up, and away. They wiggle their fins helplessly as the wind carries them above the trees…

"Hehehe~!" The wind elemental bee girl giggles, her huge breasts jiggling. "Hunting those is so much fu~n!"

Unlike normal bees, instead of yellow she had pastel blues lining her body, and the huge honeycomb on her butt was the same color. Cyan honey leaked from it as she moved.

I gotta say, she looks more like a queen than a normal honey bee…!

Mike demonstrates once again that he's a freakin' loon with even less self-preservation than me. "You there!"

Fred slouches, looking away from the bee. "What're- ngh…"

She turns her head, looking over at us. "Oo~h? I _thought_ I smelled some delicious humans roaming around here…"

"And I smelled a _youkai!_ " Mike raises his blade into the air. "Surrender yourself! It will make things easier!" Don't you intend to kill her, too?

"He~hehe!" She giggles again, looking positively delighted. "Ho~w about… _no?_ "

...I glance over at the party, seein' Matt get comfy by the nearby tree. "Good luck."

"Then your death will be swift!" Mike is confident. Reeling his sword arm back, he prepares to toss it. "Take this!"

Fwoosh! With a powerful toss, the sword soars towards the bee girl.

"Ah!?" She quickly hops out of the way, the blade passing by her. She glances at it, and when it begins to make a return trip-

"Hehehe~..." She grabs the blade by the middle section. "Tha~nks."

"What!?" Mike is stupefied. Again.

"...I mean," I pipe up in the back! "Ya like… _literally_ threw the sword at her."

...Huffing, Mike begins to run at her, but she just drifts into the air lazily before he can even get near her.

"O~h, let's see~..." She rotates the blade with her hands, looking it over. "...I think your sword needs an _upgrade._ "

"Give it back!" Mike tries to jump, which goes as well as you'd expect with that huge ass holy suit on. "Ho~h!" He jumps a couple inches into the air with a few attempts, before giving up.

" _Ha~h!_ " Putting power into his legs, he jumps again, this time making it a few feet into the air. That's still not enough, because she's floating above the trees.

"...Good effort." Fred was impressed with the jump's height.

"Here…" Taking the sword, the wind bee brought it behind her back, rubbing it on the giant honeycomb. It didn't take long for her to get cyan honey smeared all over the weapon. "There we go!" Is that even honey? 'Cause honey ain't freakin'... _cyan_. It's looks sticky, though, so… I'm gonna keep sayin' it's honey. That, or toothpaste.

"Stop!" Mike couldn't do much other than yell at her.

...I'm noticing that Fred's not doin' anything, just watching. Ha-chan I understand, 'cause she doesn't wanna murder people, but did Fred just forget to attack, or something?

"Fine. Here." She holds out the honey-covered blade, lazily holding it by the crossguard. "It's yours!"

Then, she drops it. Mike has to step back away from it before the blade freakin' pokes his brain out.

Shink. The blade got stuck in the floor.

Mike goes to tear it from the ground. "Wh-what!? What have you done!?" Pulling it from the floor, he examines it. "You've _dirtied_ it!"

"Oo~ps." She giggles. "Hehehe~!"

Fred finally decides to snap out of spectator mode. Raising his staff, he unleashes a spell! "Fire!"

Fwoom!

"Wh-whawawa!?" She looks down at her body, the fireball that generated around her lighting her on fire. "Fi-fire!?"

Quickly, she spins around in the air, the bare tree branches beneath her shaking violently as the wind storm that kicks up around her extinguishes the flames.

...Once they're gone, she scowls down at us. "...Oh. You brought _mages_. Just for little old me."

Fred steps back. "...I-I didn't cast that!" He points at me. "He did!"

Son.

She sighs. "Oh, well. _Aerora!_ "

Fwoosh! From her form, multiple balls of wind generate, and drop down to the ground. She seems to have generated four, and they're all slowly tracking us… except for Ha-chan, since she apparently recognized she was a fairy.

The wind orbs continue to slowly move towards us along the floor…

Mike makes no effort to avoid it. "I'll find justice for this! Do not be surpri- aah!"

Once the wind orb moves under him, he's launched into the air a few feet. While in the air, wind continues to spin him around as he slowly drifts towards the ground again.

That shit must be like, a convoluted stun. Oof.

Fred slowly backs away from his, before half-assedly running away a little. "Bloody wind magic…"

...Matt begins to slowly walk circles around the one that moved for him.

I look down at mine, and decide to experimentate! Taking out Tundra Bloomer, I slowly backpedal, finding a pace that keeps me a step ahead of the slow orb. Freakin'... up close, I realize how big it is. This thing's as big as my legs!

"Let's see~..." Would earth spells disrupt it? Channeling some mana into Tundra Bloomer, I focus on the orb. Then, I slam Tundra Bloomer into the floor like a staff, since it's sledgehammer-sized.

Fwooo~...

The magical circle generated around it, but didn't fully catch the orb since it was constantly moving, so nothing freakin' happened.

Aaaa~h, aaaa~h!

Flying somewhere where she had a good view of all four of us, the bee took a deep breath. "Let's see~... who to play with first?"

Matt goes behind a tree, and the orb moves into it-

Woosh. It died.

...Ah.

Noticing most of the orbs aren't doing much, the bee snaps her fingers-

Woo-woo-woosh. The other three die.

Fred relaxes, resting on his staff. "Phew…" Maybe you shouldn't have treated that like you were running from a pack of wolves, Fred.

The bee notices Ha-chan hover near me, and raises a brow. "...Hmm~. Then…"

She holds an arm into the air. " _Aeroga!_ "

A whirlwind generates around her, and- woah!

All of us begin getting pulled towards her, including rocks and leaves and shit! Matt's still behind his tree, so he's probably just getting pulled against it. Honh, honh…!

Within moments, me and the buffoons pretty much pushed into her, Ha-chan included.

" _Wind!_ " A shield of wind generates around her. "Alri~ght… how's it going, boys?"

Mike tries to swing at her. "Hah!"

Cling! It bounces off the shield, and she recoils.

"Ugh…" Frowning, she pushes him with a hand. "Go awa~y."

Woosh! A gust of wind sends him hurling into a tree. "Woaa~-"

Thwack! "Gah…" Real smooth, Mike.

"And what about _you…?_ " Leaning forward, the bee reaches out and grabs Ha-chan by the chin. "What brings you here, little fairy?"

Ha-chan was pretty much the only person to have the fortune, or misfortune, of ending up pretty much in the bee's grasp. Fred and I are pretty much stuck to this awkward spot between the honeycomb and where a normal ass would be.

"He-hey…" Ha-chan fights her hands. "Cut it ou~t…"

"Awwh!" The bee glomps her outright. "I just wanna take you home with me!"

And then-

Thwash! Ha-chan strikes back with a bolt!

"Wah!?" The bee jumps more from surprise than harm. "...Oo~h! Is that your element…?"

Ha-chan breaks from her grasp, and tries to run in the opposite direction, only for the whirlwind to keep pushing her back. "A-ah…!"

"Le-leggo!" Fred tries to escape by poking her side repeatedly with his staff.

Yeah, this is a really good boss fight. Stuck to the awkward crevice between a bee's ass and her real ass, poking her with blunt objects while she molests a fairy.

"Oh, wait your turn…" The bee turns to him, pouting. "I can always take all… three of you? Wait…" She looks around. "I swore there were more. Aside from him." She dismisses Mike's existence with a wave.

"No!" Fred is panicked! "I won't let you eat me!"

And then-

Fwoom!

Fred, you _dense fuck!_ Why would you cast fire when we're all right _here!?_

"Aah!?" The bee girl jumps again, the fire orb dissipating after it generated around us. I'm also on fire which fucking burns shit shit-

Woosh!

We're pushed against her even harder when she summons an extinguishing whirlwind. My face is pressed against the back of her hair… and lemme tell ya, I dunno _what_ that's supposed to smell like. Is that what wind honey smells like? Freakin'... weird!

"A-ah…" Fred weakly tries to push against her.

" _Go over there_." She pushes him away.

Woosh. Wind rips him back away from her-

Bam! He hits a tree. "Fu-fuck…"

Hyonk, hyonk!

"Well…" With that, she pushes Ha-chan beside her, where Fred was, and- yo, yo, hands off… "That just leaves you…"

She eyes my form curiously. "...You're… a yuki-onna? A delectably _flat_ one at that…"

"Hi, toots." I try to make my voice as deep as possible!

…

"Okay…" She looks baffled. "...Well… are you a man, or a woman?"

I jerk my head back. "Dude- did you just _assume_ my gender?" O~h, man. Commentary on social issues completely irrelevant to Gensokyo!

…

"Alright." She pushes me-

Woosh. I'm sent back at a more leisurely pace, until my back hits a tree. Which is not comfortable, but it beats getting slammed into the tree like the other two morons did.

"I guess that just leaves you." She brings Ha-chan back into her grasp. Pulling the fairy close, she takes a sniff. "...Mmh."

"N-no!" Ha-chan weakly punches her-

Thwash!

Why does this _bee_ have so much health!?

...Idly, Matt moves out from around the tree he was behind, watching the scene. Then, he's slowly pulled towards it…

If only I could see his face, yo. I'd be able to see his 'this was a mistake' face.

The bee turns to look at him, as he slowly slides towards her.

"...Hi, how's it going?" He greets her.

"O~h, swell." She pushes Ha-chan to her side, and waits for him to near.

Once he's close enough, she nudges him in front of her and holds him there. "Hmm~..."

"It's a nice place you have here." Matt compliments the forest. "Could do all sorts of things in here."

...She looks puzzled. "...Okay?" Then, she smirks. "Say… what's under that mask?" She brings her hand up, moving to lift it…

He grabs her hand. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't do that."

"Hehehe~!" She giggles. "Well, I'd appreciate it if I _did_ do that."

Moving her hand forward in spite of his grab, she puts a hand onto his mask-

"Would you appreciate it if I did this?" Matt reaches forward, and grabs a handful of her left boob.

…

She wobbled her head back and forth. "Hmm~... Only if you massaged them."

Woah no, yo! Breakin' from the tree, I move towards them a little- okay too close the wind's taking me…!

"We gotta keep the T-rating, son!" I declare as I run backwards to keep myself locked in place. "No sexy times where we can see 'em!"

"Don't worry." Matt idly turns in my vague direction. "I like them smaller anyway."

The bee jerks her head back. "Wh-what…?"

Thwash! Ha-chan thwashed her, dude!

She didn't really acknowledge that. "Well, whatever…" She pushes Matt away, and-

"Oof." When he's pushed into me, we both go gliding back towards the tree.

...He shifts his head to look straight ahead. "Should probably save her for you now, right?"

I nod. "Ha-chan? Yeah, yo. I'd _'ppreciate_ it. However you freakin' do that."

He flexes one of his hands. "Gravity."

Fwoa~m...

An orb of darkness generates above the wind elemental bee, and slowly stretched downwards to encompass the bee girl. Her form was kinda bulky, mostly 'cause of that huge honeycomb ass, so the spell only encompassed _most_ of her.

Even so-

"Guh…!?" The bee girl's legs buckled a little, and she resteadied her footing. The wind shield around her dissipated, and Ha-chan began to move away from her… at a very slow crouching pace, 'cause I guess she got caught, too.

"Br-Brad-kun…!" She crouch-walked towards me determinedly!

I got myself out from between Matt and the tree, and moved to try to lift her- ho~h shit, she's heavy now…!

Since I've got Tundra Bloomer on hand, I buff myself up by putting mana into it!

Once I do, I try to lift her again-

O~h, there we go. Took a fight, but I can run like this! "I are big stronk man!" Now, let me just hobble away with her…

"He-hey…!" The bee huffs. "She's mine!" Instead of flying, she's forced to power walk towards me menacingly.

Matt put his arm into the air again, and cast it down.

A saw blade fell from the freakin' _sky_ , and began moving towards the wind bee. Matt knows freakin' _saw blade!?_ That's like, a massacre in the making!

Vrrrrr~! It travels along the floor towards her.

Gathering her strength, she heaves her entire form out of the way with a great thrust. "Ee-ee~p!" She managed to avoid the blade by a good margin, but was still intimidated by it.

Fred runs towards us, not really up to fighting this thing. "Let's jus' get the hell out a' here, guys. She's having trouble moving- we'll run!"

"No you don't!" She glares forward at us. "Aeroga!"

Woosh! The four of us get pulled into each other ahead. However, Mike is still where he was, and now he's running for the bee.

"This is it!" He grins widely as he bounds towards her. Once he nears, he leaps for a mighty blow-

She points her hand at him with an open palm.

Fwoosh! Wind just outright pushes him away.

"Blast!" He's slowly pushed back into the air. "Let me kill you!"

Her expression is dry. "Can we not?"

"No!" After he's pushed far enough, Mike lands on the ground again. "This is the way things must be!"

...She sighs. "Well, then, smart guy… I could always eat you for real, if this is how you want it."

"Eat me? Hah!" He grins widely. "I've killed over twenty youkai!"

...Albus killed like a whole community that was centered around the village, which is somethin' now that I think about it. Also- _how_. Are we talkin' fairies here!? All you do is run at them!

Matt comments from over here. "Is this the only way you can attract men? Because even this doesn't seem to be working."

...She gives us a pouty-glare. "Oh, shut up."

"You're open!" Slowly, Mike bounds towards her from well over forty feet away.

Baring her teeth, the bee brings her arm into the air- " _Kneel._ " -before throwing it towards the floor.

And- _bam!_ Mike immediately faceplants.

Five large, windy lasers shoot from her honeycomb on her bum, and curve sharply to home in on Mike.

Once they come in contact with his armor-

Fwoom! "Woaa~h!" He's sent soaring into the air.

...Well, then!

"Now…" She turns back to us. "I'll let you all go… if I get to keep one of you."

"Take Mike." Matt immediately declares.

"Ye-yeah, honestly?" Fred grins. "Take the bastard. He's yours."

I nod. "Yeah, just go ahead and take him. He'll probably be better off in your sex dungeon than out in the wild."

She furrows her brows. "Who?"

I point up. "The guy ya sent into orbit."

...She shakes her head. "No, no… I want someone more quiet." She scoffs. "I mean… I don't really judge, but…" She shakes her head. "He's too much."

Yeah, I'll say…!

"Take Fred." Matt suggests.

"Wh-whah!?" Fred's eyes widen. "No, no, no! Sh-she'd… no!"

Whelp, time to search my sack for an equip that'll _maybe_ help us out…!

...Slowly, Mike spins down from the heavens, flailing his sword wildly as he does so. "Re-release me, foul beast…!"

...Actually, I think Tundra Bloomer might- well, no, if I put her to sleep, Mike might go through with beheading her, unless I decide to just brutalize him once and for all.

Fred huffs. "Wh-what about that fucking fairy? What about her?"

I turn to him. "Son- if we go through with that, Sarah's gonna be feedin' ya oatmeal over yer new neck brace."

"Damn- okay…" He sighs. "Fine, y'get to keep yer fuckfairy, then."

Zap! Ha-chan gets her revenge!

"O-ow…" Fred shifts uncomfortably.

"I suppose I must sacrifice myself." Matt doesn't seem too opposed to the idea. Well, he _did_ grope her… and he can summon blades of doom, so I don't think he's in any real danger. If anything, I should be afraid for the bee, but y'know… my hide or hers!

Also, aside from those lasers, she used like no danmaku. Then again, Mike made it pretty clear we were homicidal maniacs from the start…

"Wh-... really?" Fred paused. "...No, mate, y'don't have to-"

"No. _Really._ " He tries to step from the whirlwind that's keeping us in place, only to get pushed back.

The bee girl is smiling warmly. "Ah, sorry. Lemme~..." She snapped her fingers.

Once the wind stopped, Matt was free to walk ahead.

...Ha-chan's slowly getting lighter! I wave my free hand. "Play nice now, son!"

"I'll try to." He walks up to her, pausing as he nears her.

I get a better look at the bee girl, now that the action's kinda over. She's got pastel blue- similarly colored to her body- bobby hair, sorta. It's not terribly kempt.

Mike finally lands on the floor. "No! I won't let you take him! He's a blooming hunter!"

"Yeah, yeah." She waves her hand at him, a few gusts coming from her form and pushing him back. "Run along, boy, before I make away with you, too."

Mike is ready to object, but I yell over at him. "Let's just go! There's, uh-" I look around and try to make up a bullshit reason for him to stop being so aggro. "Reinforcements! The hive! She's the queen! Run, son, run!"

Mike freezes up, looking around. "Wh-what!? _What!?_ "

Fred blinks. "The hell're you on about?"

I half-whisper to him. "I'm bullshitting, but Mike's not gonna fuck off any other way."

Fred rolls his eyes. "Who cares 'bout Mike?"

I point at him. "He's got the head. Y'know, the one we gotta bring back t' get paid."

...Fred makes an 'o' shape with his mouth. "Balls."

Then, I yell! "Oh, shit, they're coming! C'mon!" Hastily, I jog for the vague direction of the path away from the mansion!

"Fuck! Mike! Run!" Fred plays along, running behind me.

"Blast it all!" Mike slowly jogs after us. He steals one last look back at the two we left behind. "I'll remember this! I will assemble a _team!_ "

With that, we quickly managed to make our way back onto the path.

Mike is _now_ distraught. "Of-... of all the dirty _darn_ rotten luck!"

"S'called 'running', mate." Fred jabs him, fed up with today's antics.

"No! We left a comrade to be _consumed!_ " He turns to us with wide eyes. "Are you two really okay with this!?"

I shrug. Matt'll probably find some way out of it, knowing how freakin' slimey he can be when he has to. "Well, no."

"Dude, the guy sacrificed _himself_." Fred up his arms up. "Alright? Wasn't nothin' we could do."

...At that, Mike sighed. "We should have averted that situation in the first place, then. This is our fault."

"How's it…" Stopping his objection, Fred just let it go. "Y'know what? Sure. It was… our fault. Yup."

Hyonk. Well, I _coulda_ hauled a lot more ass, but I wanted to not kill the bee. Even if she's going to die anyway, now. I mean, I don't have to see it happen, so I can just forget about it. Didn't even know her.

With that, we continued to waltz back to the lake relatively quietly.

...Ha-chan gets comfy in my arms. Awwh…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We're going around the side of the lake, now!

"Maybe they won't see us, if, uh… we don't look at 'em." Fred talks of some _things_ we've seen hovering across the lakeside.

Mike's also legitimately apprehensive about their appearance. "We pay them no trouble… they pay us no trouble. Hopefully."

The reason I'm callin' them _things_ is 'cause they're not even freakin' humanoid… or organic looking.

Across the lake, these large red and maroon cylinders are floating through the air. They're as big as freakin' tree trunk, and at the bottom of each one… there's some kinda indent, but I dunno what it's for.

Fairies are hovering over the horde of them, firing down danmaku pellets. I dunno if they're getting anything done.

Little ball-like things shoot from the bottom slots of the towers, popping up to try and snipe one fairy, before the ball actually returns to the tower and into the indent. Freakin'... what is that!?

Oh, yeah, they also do this thing, where they all tilt back and hover into the air at once… and then-

Boom!

They hit the ground, massive shockwaves causing the entire lakeside to rumble. I can see the lake's water ripple…!

Jesus!

...From the direction of the Hakurei Shrine, I see Reimu floating out to meet them, her yin-yang orbs whirling at her sides. Ooo, yo! Marisa's there, too!

...Looking around, I see Sakuya floating overhead, as well.

Whelp, those tower things are probably dead. We'll just, uh… quietly move along the lakeside…

"The Hakurei is going to fight them?" Mike grins. "But… she's a simple shrine maiden! The witch I may understand- but the Hakurei?"

You're about to have your mind blown, son.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: REIMU'S PERSPECTIVE ====

"This like… the fluffle's idea of a party?" Marisa grinned down at the red mass of tower-like… machine things.

"Apparently." Looks like some fairies went in to engage them. They're not doing a whole lot, though…

Pi~chun! One of the water fairies dies. A fluffle ejected itself from its pilot slot at the bottom of the machine, and smashed into her. Since fluffles aren't all that tough normally, I think they just get charged with magic before they eject. That would explain why they return to their slots, too.

...Sakuya drifts up beside me. "Mistress ordered me to find the disturbance."

Marisa grinned. "Well?"

"...I think-"

Boom! The fluffle machines all smashed into the floor. Some trees that they smashed into shook, and a few even fell. The ground they've been pounding for awhile now seems to nearly be wasted away into nothing, too.

"-...I may have found it." Sakuya stared down at the things dryly. "What are these?"

"Fluffles, ze." Marisa floats ahead of us a little. "Don't shoot the bulky parts, 'cause they're made of super metal or something. Those little slot things on the bottom-"

Pi-pi-pi~chun!

"See those things!?" Dipping suddenly, Marisa pointed down. "Those're fluffles. They're drivin' the things."

"...I see." Sakuya nodded. "Maybe."

"The ball things are the fluffles, 'n' they sit on the like, nearly bottom of the tower things." Marisa tried to explain it in a way that made sense. "So if ya pop 'em a quick one, they should go down without a fight."

...Sakuya grinned. "That's how it is, is it?"

I nod. "Yeah. You can use lethal force, by the way. These are just fluffles… and they're ruining things."

"Understood." Sakuya vanishes.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: SAKUYA'S PERSPECTIVE ====

...Let's get started, then. This'll be a good time to test my accuracy, too.

Drifting away from Reimu and Marisa, I float down to examine the now-grey figures of these… towers. At least, they look the part.

On closer inspection, I can see that tiny spikes protrude from the edges of the cylinders, making them appear almost boxy.

At the bottom of one, there was indeed a little fluffle. It stared blankly into space as its fins were inside of two slots within its control panel, the device devoid of any other features that might help someone operate it.

Hmm. I'm sure Mistress would've liked one, too. Aside from the fact the seat is positioned in a terribly inopportune position.

I throw a knife towards the fluffle, and it freezes moments after I throw it. I found that was something that happens with things you let go normally.

Drifting leisurely through the horde of towers, I make sure to throw a single knife at each and every fluffle that catches my eye. It doesn't take much more than that, really. A few will probably escape me, but I'm going to try for complete accuracy here. I'm sure Marisa wouldn't let me live it down if one somehow got away with living, even if only for a few seconds.

To keep things organized, after just throwing the knives randomly, I decide to slow down and do it in rows. If a few get an extra knife, no one would really know or care.

…

After a span of about… ten minutes, I finish. Now, let me just comb over it… just incase.

…

There. All fluffles accounted for. For the ones already outside their machines, I just lodged one inside their pilot seat. All the ones in the middle of doing their smash attack… It took me a moment, and I just decided to fill their pilot seats with knives, the fire ones. _One_ of them's got to scratch them.

I'm not terribly proud of that strategy, but if it works, then good.

...I drift back towards Reimu and Marisa. There seem to be some people on the other side of the lake, coming from the mansion… from a glance, they just seem to be village exterminators, escorting a yuki-onna.

The yuki-onna… is carrying a fairy. One of _our_ fairies.

Looks like I'll have to greet them. I _do_ want to see how Reimu and Marisa react to all the towers dying at once, though…

Floating to the other side of Marisa, which is opposite the side I was originally, I let time resume.

The world blinks back into color.

…

There's a collective 'thunk' as almost all of the towers drop straight into the dirt they were pounding. A few tip over onto their sides.

The towers still in the middle of slam attacks execute them, but since there's so few, they're definitely not as audible. Then, the cockpits catch fire, my theory proving true.

... _Then_ those ones drop into the dirt.

...Marisa whistled. "Da~ng."

Reimu folded her arms, smiling. "Geez. She's such a show off..."

I make myself known. "I'm glad you are pleased by my performance."

"Wo-woah!" Marisa jerks to the side on her broom, nearly floating into Reimu. "...Don't _do_ that, ze!"

Allowing myself to grin, I let my expression speak for itself.

...Reimu yawns. "I'm gonna go nap, again. Those things woke me up…"

"Thank me later." I remind her who probably just shut down another fluffle-related incident before it began.

"Tha~nks, Sakuya." She drifts off slowly, her yin-yang orbs dissipating.

...I don't know what I expected, really.

"Back to fortifying my house!" Marisa begins to drift off. "Catch ya later, Sakuya! Don't work too hard!"

"Do try to use the front door next time." Someone has to remind her. I can't tell if she forgets she can come peacefully, or if she prefers to do it the loud way. Come to think of it, our mansion's had a rather bad _rat_ problem, recently…

She gives me a wave back before she's fully gone. "I _always_ use the front door!"

Yeah. You know what I meant, though.

...

Fortifying _her_ house?

I stop time.

The world blinks into gray.

...Slowly, I begin drifting towards those people who have one of our maids. They're nearly across the lakeside now.

What did she mean by fortifying _her_ house? ...Well, I suppose she lives in the woods, and with these rats and these fluffles running about as they please, she might want to consider something more than a farmer's shed for her belongings.

While I think, I catch up to the two villagers and the youkai who has our fairy. Then, I resume time.

The world blinks into color.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Well. I think Sakuya just up and assassinated those tower things.

"...I don't know what's going on." Mike makes his status known.

"Jus' keep movin'." Fred doesn't really care to know. "Pro'lly some spooky shit."

Spooky _shit_ , son.

I glance up at them as Reimu and Marisa hover off leisurely. Marisa quickly accelerates after giving Sakuya a wave.

…

Well, that was something.

Looking away from the lake- oh my God Sakuya's right _in front_ of us!

...She looks down at us, floating in the air idly. She's playing with a knife, trying to look intimimadatin'

Mike's just got some kind of death wish, seriously. "You! Are you not the maid from Scarlet Devil!?"

...Sakuya blinks. "I am. Infact, I'm the chief maid."

If there's a god somewhere… just freakin' take him already. I dunno if Mike is proof God does or doesn't exist! Actually, if a god _does_ exist, he's probably freakin' laughing his ass off.

"The _chief_ maid!" Grinning, Mike looks back at us as if we heard a funny joke.

Fred has a very determined look on, too busy examining Sakuya to be baffled by Mike's sheer… just freakin' _stupidity_.

I'm grinning myself, but it's because I'm completely incredulous by this dude's existence. Like- it's like he's constantly got a freakin' doom counter over his head! The only reason he survives is because… I don't even know! It's gotta be that freakin' armor…

"Well, then, if I am to slay you, then all the maids shall go into chaos. Is that correct?" Oh my fucking God, Mike…

Sakuya's expression steels itself. "...I suppose it would be."

O~h, boy.

"Then I shall spill your blood!" Grinning widely, Mike steps ahead, even though she's fucking flying dude how in a rat's ass are you going to hit her-

"You three…" She holds her knife closer to her face, for a moment. She takes this moment to glance at Ha-chan, who freakin' fell asleep in my arms.

"Who are you?" She swiftly tosses it forward, and it becomes three.

I stumble back, the knife landing at my feetsies. "Ooo~!" I'm trying to get out of this without Sakuya knowing it's me.

"Ah shit!" Fred stumbles back, too, the knife getting lodged in the bottom of his robes… before it dissipates. She threw danmaku daggers.

And Mike… just stood and took it. Why would he even _think_ about dodging?

The knife dissipated on his armor. He… didn't react at all. In fact, he was more surprised by the noises Fred and I made. Did he… not see the knife? Oh, man...

"That's an interesting sword you're carrying." Sakuya's eyes scanned his cyan honey-speckled holy sword.

Snapping his eyes back to her, Mike nodded. "O~h? Are you impressed?" He takes a few practice swings. "It is the sword I will drive through your mistress' heart."

...Mike... dude. Words cannot _describe_ … just how _boned_ you are right now.

…

"I suppose you wouldn't mind if I cleaned it off, and hung it in the mistress' armory?" Sakuya tilted her head. "Once I defeat you."

Knives appeared between every finger.

Whelp. I~'m… gonna go _hide_.

...O-oh, I still got Tundra Bloomer out under Ha-chan, here. Wait, if I run, and Sakuya thinks I'm some random asshole taking off with her fairy… actually, I'd be fine. She doesn't care _that_ much about these fairies, I'm sure.

I'll wait for shit to kick up a few more notches, so I can leave in the confusion, and not get called out by her just for bein' weird.

"Four cards?" Sakuya rose a brow as she began to focus.

Mike snorted. "Cards? Silly girl. That shrine maiden has it all wrong, I do not play this 'danmaku' game."

...Sakuya stared at him dryly.

She pointed across the lake, at the still tower things. "Did you see what happened there?"

He nodded. "Yes, the towers all fell. What of it?"

"I did that." Sakuya revealed. I mean, it was kinda obvious if you watched it…

"Hah!" Mike nodded his head, again. "Another lie. Keep lying, vampire's maid. We'll see who has the last laugh." Buddy, you're writin' checks your body can't cash, here…

"...I'll use danmaku, anyway." She decided. "I wouldn't wish to disrespect the shrine maiden."

Well, then…

Mike jumps. "Hah!" A~nd hits fucking nothing, because Sakuya's like ten more feet above him.

Fred thrusts his staff into the air, confident he'll manage to turn around this fight. "I'll _getcha!_ "

Fwoom! A fireball appears… where Sakuya _was_.

"Conjuring, Misdirection." Sakuya announces her first spell card from behind us.

A spread shot of daggers begin to shoot from her form with a single sweep of her right arm. When she sweeps her left arm, torrents of red kunai-like daggers pour out in solid streams meant to direct us, it seemed.

"A-aah!" I dipped inside one of the kunai lanes, but had to turn my back so Ha-chan didn't get nailed, 'cause I'm trying to unlock the 'Ha-chan survives an escapade' achievement!

So her thicker knives began to pour into my back. "Gh-gaa~h!"

 _Ho~ly shit that sti~ngs!_ Ho~h… damn. I'm going to _feel_ that, dude. It doesn't help that my back is cut open, either!

Fred doesn't even bother to dodge. I mean, he looks intimidated as shit, but he's just like 'yeah fuck my shit up', and a stream of red kunai meet his _face_. Before he can yell, the blue daggers pound into him, sending him sprawling. "N-ngh…"

The other red kunai stream floats right into Mike's face, which I'm sure was intentional. " _Guwaa~h!_ " He roars through it like an ape doped up on steroids. Blue knives meet his armor, and just fizzle off of it.

...I'm too fucked up to move well, by this point. I try to hobble closer to the woods, as she drifts to her right and proceeds to just do that again, because it did a fucking fantastic job on us the first time.

I get near a tree, and duck along the side of it, hyperventilating. "H-hahh, hahh, hahh…"

"Aah!" Fred yells, for some reason.

" _Youka~i!_ " Mike roars. " _Nice try!_ "

I peek around the tree, to see what kooky shenaniganry he's about to pull…

His holy armor flairs in this most critical moment, and his blade glows a bright, holy white. "Hoo- hah- huh- hroh- hoo -hah!"

Rapidly advancing toward Sakuya, he cleaves his holy sword through the air with amazing speed, exchanging hands at times as he quickly closes the distance between himself and the maid with every cut.

But it doesn't matter, because she just vanishes and reappears at the other side of the clearing, where she first was before Fred tried to burn her.

...Stopping, Mike pats his sword arm's muscle. "Limits are _meant_ to be broken!" Yeah, good job. That's probably how he got everything done, that broken-ass limit break of his. And I bet he _still_ fights weak youkai!

Fred's on the ground, writhing in pain. "Aa-aauh…"

Another stream of red kunai passed Mike's head, multiple clipping it. "Gu-gugh…! Youkai _scum!_ "

Sakuya smirks, knowing. She's a freakin' human, noob.

Stumbling forward like he had a headache, Mike reached into his pocket. "E-euh…" Bringing up the bottle, he tossed it into the air. " _Mega Potion!_ "

Three revolving green orbs fell from just above our forms. I felt a sorta water-like sensation wash over me for a moment as mine splashed onto me, and a brief little chime.

Woah. It's like I just slept and woke up to a cup of Kool-aid! So that's how Mega Potions work...

Fred starts to scramble onto his legs, his staff resting beside him. "Wa-wait! Don't shoot! Don't shoot!"

"Sorry." Sakuya doesn't sound sorry. "Illusion Existence, Clock Corpse."

Into~ the woods I go! See ya, Sakuya! Wahaha~! I'm free! I'm free-...

Mike's got the head on his belt. I'll have to forage it off of him when Sakuya's finished.

...I'll just chill in these bushes for a few hours. Seriously. I'm done, yo.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: SAKUYA'S PERSPECTIVE ====

That yuki-onna took off with the fairy. Knowing yuki-onna, though, the fairy is probably going to be fine. It'll probably let her go and be on its way, now that these men aren't harassing it.

Spreading out my arms, a curtain of daggers materialize to finish them off. I want to see the guy in the armor spend a Mega Elixir on this fight. If he actually does, I might just let him go out of sympathy. Might.

Then, I stop time.

The mage's eyes are wide, and I can see him trying to go around the incoming curtain. Not a smart move.

However, that guy looks like he plans to charge into it and not allow it to pass him at all. I don't think he's going to have a chance to drink _anything_.

I toss knives to cover the flanks of the pattern. If they were smart, they'd stay in the vague middle. Since I'm going easy on them, this card's pretty much avoidable if you were standing still. It's too bad they're not standing still.

Well, that's that. I let time resume, and fold my arms. The real trial will be bringing them to the mansion for interrogation.

Instantly, the mage is mauled by the flank's knives. "Hu _woaa~h!_ "

Confident he could just wade through anything, the armored brute charged straight into my curtain of daggers as it slowly amassed to pass around him.

The clinking of the danmaku against his armor was audible.

…

He fell to his knees, eyes shut. "Uh-... ur~gh…"

He sprawled out on his chest, face in the dirt and sword lying by his side.

...There we go. I stop time.

The world turns to grey in a blink.

...Now…

Kneeling down, I-... "Hn~gh…" This brute… is heavy…

Should I get Meiling for this? No… no, I've got it.

...Barely.

Oh, right. He's also got that decapitated head of some unfortunate soul tied to a ring in his armor. I'm sure Reimu would love to hear people still do that, and out this far, too.

I hover a little, just enough to not throw off my arms, but to make sure my legs aren't totally doing the work. With each step I take, I rebound off the floor, allowing myself to drift a little with each step.

Here we go…

…

Ah, right. The gate. I'll just leave them outside and have Meiling help from there.

A~h… it feels nice to drop heavy things. Even with the lasting aches, now and again. I should think about carrying potions, too… Mistress likely has enough funds for elixirs.

Meiling's also asleep, still, but I'll deal with that when the time comes.

Now, to go back for the mage.

…

Here he is. Bending my legs, I scoop the stout man up…

Ah. He's a lot lighter.

It takes me a couple more minutes to float to the mansion gates, again. This time I just float normally.

Once there, I drop the mage on the pseudo-knight. I let time resume.

With a blink, the world's colors are back.

...Meiling's still asleep.

"Hey."

…

I walk up to the gates, and start shaking them.

…

Alright, then. Drawing a knife, I line up in front of her at a good distance. Then, I toss it-

Shink.

...Meiling's eyes flicker open. "A-ah…?"

"Good morning." I greet her.

...Her eyes eventually travel up to look at the dagger in her head. "...O~w." Reaching up, she pulls it out with two hands. "Ooo~..."

…

"I'll need some help with these… individuals." I gesture to the two I dragged here.

"...Who?" Meiling gave me a curious stare, the hole in her forehead slowly closing up.

Based on their mindset, and their company… "They may have been intruders."

"Wha~h?" Meiling looked down at them. "I didn't even _see_ them!"

"Probably because you were asleep." Stepping towards the gate, I beckon her. "Pick them up. I'll open the gate for you."

"Alright…" Meiling moves to lift them as I begin to exert force on the gate, opening it without force…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Comin' out of the woods, now with an awake Ha-chan, I-

...The bodies are freakin' gone. Did Sakuya _take_ them? I only waited for the action to stop, so it's not like any hungry beast girls would've just come and thefted them. It had to have been her. Why, Sakuya, why!?

"...Everyone's gone." Ha-chan looked around idly. "...I dunno what happened, but I'm happy."

Ooo. "Why's that, Ha-chan?" I am curious, yo.

"They were mean." She smiled. "I didn't like them."

"Me either." I nod slowly… "Whelp, there goes our freakin' money. Unless we feel like running around the mansion."

Ha-chan tilts her head, like a cuddlemuffin.

"Sakuya took them away." I reveal. "For some reason."

Ha-chan immediately beams. "Oo~h! Chief came to help!"

Chief also delivered a stream of glowing thousand degree kunai to my _face_ , but considering Mike's mega potion refreshed my soul, I think I'm good not mentionin' that.

...I _could_ go save the friks, but I could also not. Actually, I should go back _later_ , after the friends at the mansion do what they wanna do with them. I dunno what'll happen with Fred, but Mike's probably going to get himself killed. That, and the head might just get obliterated, leaving the poor girl's death in vain…

Engh. Well, her death wasn't _totally_ my fault. I just… contributed. Yeah, that's not that much better, is it, really?

...

I guess I'm just gonna~... stop by the Kourindou. Rinnosuke's gotta have some rockin' goods, by now, even if I can't buy anything. Maybe he has some rubber gloves, so I can head to the mansion and handle the bloody head with care. I think some youkai can smell blood of their fellows, and I don't wanna be identified as a murderer, yo.

You know what? I'll go back to the village, do some odd jobs yo, do some push ups, like _engh_ , fight some fairies, stock up on potions... and _then_ proceed to wander around randomly looking for cool shit.

I'm just gonna assume there's no real way to get that head, now!

"Hello~?" Ha-chan waves her hand in front of my face. "Brad-kun?"

"Yo~!" I leap into action. "Let us go visit the Rinnosuke man, man!"

"Ya~y!" She cheers!

With that, we begin to walk off- actually I might wanna look at those weird fuckin' tower things first…

"First we'll go over here!" I point over at the mess of things across the lake as we progress towards it.

"Okay!" Ha-chan marches along with me, even if she can fly. Ho ho!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 49

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY:

Youkai Inconveniencer - Semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but isn't particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Slight damage vulnerability when used, which has worn over time. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger's gained the ability to deal electrical and holy damage. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy...

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out what they are…

Toasty Yuki-onna Kimono - Best winter clothing twenty fifteen. Fifty percent ice and freezing resistance, but _negative_ fifty percent fire and burning resistance!

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I _really_ have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

Hana, the Electric Elemental Stalker Maid - She's friendly, dude. She's getting better at using thunder magic, too! Cyan hair and eyes, likes to be fluffy, so on and so forth. I don't got a whole lot ta add about her… Oh, yeah, she's weak to earth magic, I think.

PRIMARY WEAPON: A really weak zap attack!

INVENTORY:

Probably some rocks - Yeah.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

fun chapter to write, even if the tone wasn't quite what a lot of FREAKIN GENSOKYO is like. daz partially from the combat, but it's also 'cause of the heavier tones here due to mike being an IGNORAMUS and matt being MATT

i don't think the combat here did too many terrible things to the pacing, esp. 'cause i extended the chapter length a bit to accommodate the pacing

that and the combat was mostly filled with jokes and wasn't just straight up stuff happening most of the time, just dudes STANDING AROUND being STUPID

good fun . w .

sakuya section! sakuya felt very clinical to write this time around, which is nice; i think it suits her… i also modified the sounds in her section a bit to be explained by her more passively sorta

which makes me think reimu also is like "YEAH YEAH BAM CLANG ENGH" but i think sakuya's introversion is just that PRONOUNCED that it bleeds into the thought segments… not to say reimu isn't a bit introverted herself, but she's more balanced; reimu is like the balance QUEEN

sakuya does spend a lot of time alone, you'd think, even if she's a bit rambunctious like reimu and marisa at heart

so, yeah!

as always, see you all next time!


	61. Machinegun Mystery Dungeon

(in which-... oh? oh right, right NEVERMIND YO IT'S A MATT CHAPTER)

...Brad and his fellow maniacs proceeded to leave me to presumably be raped and enslaved by this particularly horny honey bee. That wouldn't be such a bad life if I didn't have other things to do.

"Oh, shit, they're coming! C'mon!" Brad beckons the lunatics to follow him away.

"Fuck! Mike! Run!" Fred also draws the team behemoth away from the action.

"Blast it all!" Mike blasts it all, apparently. He gives us one last glance, though. "I'll remember this! I will assemble a _team!_ "

...With that, the three bumbling bastards and their fairy companion were out of range of us.

"...How unbecoming." The honey bee dryly stared off in the direction they fled. "I wouldn't have been able to convert him to food, either. You see, I've got plenty…" She pats the huge honeycomb-like appendage on her rear.

...Then she makes eye contact with me- or tries to, not knowing where my eyes are exactly wandering behind this mask- and smiles warmly. "Would you like to try some?"

"Sure. Why not?" As long as it's not a sedative. I doubt that, however...

Stepping up to me, she reaches for my face. "Fi~rst, let's get that clunky mask off of you…"

Sure. Standing still, I let her go through with her motions…

I feel her grasp it and pull it back, my face being revealed once again.

She's leaning a little closer than she was before. "...My~. You don't look half ba~d."

"Why, of course." I was half expecting some kind of dismissive comment, but she seems to be in it to win it, here. "Why are you chasing around men like this, if it's not to eat them?"

...She shied away, a bit. "Well... I haven't been finding much luck among the youkai recently, and some friends of mine said that humans work fine, too, but the chances of getting with one are pretty low…" With that, she smiled. "Of course, if it doesn't work out, I just eat them anyway. My spider friend can cacoon them, and this yuki-onna I know does really good cryo-freezing work."

"...Ahh. I see." I nod at her explanation.

"No-not that I'd do that to you!" She backtracked a little. "I'd _never_ do that to you."

...This must be the reverse tsundere.

"Why don't we head back to my place?" She got even closer, putting her hands on my shoulders. "...Oh, I almost forgot. You wanted to try some, didn't you…?"

This quest is getting weird.

Reaching behind herself, she uses her bare hand to scoop some cyan honey from her honeycomb-shaped rear. Her other arm is used to tilt it so the other arm can access it. "Alright…" With her hand now smeared in honey, she brings it up to my face. "Say, 'aa~h', honey…"

"...Maybe there's another way of going about this." I would really rather _not_.

She pauses. "...Oh, alright. Help yourself." Turning around, she exposes the cyan honeycomb to me. Then, she puts her hands on her hips, taking on a smug posture as she looked back at me.

...This isn't much better.

...Maybe I can get by with only getting a little on my finger.

Looking down at the honeycomb shaped rear, I note that neon cyan is an awfully weird color. Honey glimmered in every hexagon along her backside, and every hexagon was almost big enough to fit a fist in.

...I reach my finger forward, and dab it in one of the hexagons of honey. I let my finger brush the wall of the hexagon, and it feels… hard. Probably akin to how a hive's surface might feel.

"Don't be shy, now…" She encourages me to do more, but I'd rather not.

Taking my finger out, I stare at the glob of sticky, cyan honey, and bring it to my lips.

I take a sniff. It smells curiously dull for honey, even if it still does smell like it. There's something… airy to it, despite the obvious elemental affinity at play, here.

With that, I bring it into my mouth and taste it.

...There's only a hint of honey, and otherwise it tastes… well, it's sweet, for one thing, but it's also somewhat simple. It's like sugar cookie, except liquid, and with a hint of honey… and no cookie. Liquid sugar.

...This is like really bad erotic fanfiction.

"Well?" She grins at me, turning slightly towards me. "Do you like it?"

"...Needs more sweetener." I decide. Maybe then I could name what it actually tastes like if not just more sugar.

She snorts. "Well, we can work on that…" Turning to me, she winks and pats the side of her honeycomb-hive thing. "You can eat from me _anytime_ you want."

"Wonderful." I probably don't sound terribly enthused. I want off the horny wind elemental honey bee's wild ride.

With that, she begins walking behind me…

"I'm taking you home." She informs me, slipping her arms under mine, and lifting me up. She's got actual wings, but she doesn't seem to bother to use them to fly, the wind naturally carrying her instead.

I feel myself begin to lift off the ground. Alright, playtime's over; I refuse to be kidnapped by a horny honey bee.

"Can we not?" I say this as I reach into my pocket to draw Chaos Oath. I'm probably going to need it, all things considered.

"Just relax." She's not taking 'no' for an answer. "You'll like it there."

However, she's getting 'no' whether she likes it or not.

Twirling out Chaos Oath, I consider how to best hinder her with precision. Her wind magic is very bothersome, even if I could potentially grapple her…

From this position, it'll be dicey at best to land a clean stab on her, and I don't very much wish to unleash the beast inside this thing.

"This position is uncomfortable." Let's see how this goes…

"Rela~x." Not very well, apparently.

Since I'm at this posture… I could try to stab it into her side. These blades produce those tendrils on stab, which should serve to leech her life from her.

"How high do you want me to fly?" She speaks softly. "I can take you above the clouds, if you'd like…"

"Beneath the tree tops." Breaking my everything is not a priority. "It's more _romantic_ that way."

"Fufufu!" She likes that. I take this moment to swing my legs to the left. "Wo-woah, easy now…"

I swing them to the right, my body rocking her own slightly. "He-hey! Cut it out-"

As I swing, I bring the scissors in my left hand into her fleshy, soft stomach.

Shink!

"Hu- _waauu~h!_ " Her voice becomes a violent hiss near the end, and she launches me away with a thrust. " _Ho~w_ dare you _!_ " Her voice comes out as airy and hollow.

Time to curl up into a ball-

Bam! ...My arms and back take the brunt of it as I roll up a tree trunk, the wind pushing me along the entire way.

"I'll rip you apart!" The hollow voice seems to come from all around me, giving me great uncertainty on whether or not she was already near me or not.

Scrambling, I find myself-

Thud. On my side, awkwardly enough…

I look up at her slowly advancing form. She drifts towards me, holding onto the scissors caught within her stomach. "Ee-eehn…" She tries to pull it out, but the tendrils that have spread across her skin make that very difficult, apparently. "What have you _done!?_ I'll swallow your soul!"

Her previously teal eyes were now a bright, illuminant cyan.

Quickly reacting, I begin throttling my limbs to throw myself out of the danger of her approaching form-

"Wind Jaw! Snapping Gale!" The wind elemental honey bee announced a spell card. Weren't these meant for nonlethal combat?

Four person-sized orbs spread out from her form, and slowly rotate outward…

I manage to duck behind a tree, for better or worse.

"Hahaha~!" She sees me, too, but she doesn't move to jeopardize the spell at hand.

I'm forced to back up as I notice one of the orbs slowly moving towards me. It wasn't deliberate; it was just trying to get into orbit around the bee.

"What!? What!?" She yells out for me. "I want to rip out your soul, and drink all your blood! Come back and finish the _jo~b!_ "

When'd _she_ turn into an edgelord?

Then, the orbs, which circled around her in a forty foot radius, began shooting danmaku. All of it was within the self-contained circle she made, but made that circle very defined.

Small teal pellets circled and flowered around inside, and very quickly the ones from the opposite orbs began to spill out of the disaster zone. They also fired at upward angles, leading to there being a literal hurricane of bright bullets in the air above, blending in with the blue of the sky.

...I slowly back away from it, until very quickly not only do the pellets pass my convenient tree, she herself begins moving, making the whole hurricane of bullets move with her.

It is now time to run really quickly!

I dart forward-

" _Aero!_ "

The tree trunk next to me is slammed by a powerful gale, leaves from the floor becoming firmly matted against it.

...I think in an actual danmaku match that'd count as cheating.

" _Aero!_ "

"Hnh!?" Quickly accelerating forward, I curl up again-

Thud. That's going to scuff my suit…

...I have difficulty with fighting the lashing gale to move my way around the tree's side, but when I do I find myself free of the wind's influence-

" _Aero!_ "

Not again…!

I leap forward this time, and manage to only be clipped by the gust, which drags me around but lets me stay on my feet.

Some stray pellets strike me, forcing me to grit my teeth and push myself to move harder.

" _Aero!_ "

I stop short of one that ripped right by me. She aimed a _little_ too far ahead.

A few stray bullets strike me again- What!?

I find myself suspended in the air by a few feet, which may have been a side effect of the stray pellets.

" _Aero!_ "

...I don't know where that one was going. Somewhere into the air, apparently.

Up here, I'm safe from the stray bullets for a few moments, until I'm slowly left to float towards the ground. The stray bullets are all horizontal to the ground, while all of the upward bullets are aimed to stay within the hurricane-esque cone above the bee girl.

...Once I spiral to the soil softly-

Ugh… I find myself suspended once more as the result of a stray bullet.

Then, the bullets all dissipate.

...Hmm. Not much I can do but ride this wind out, then…

It's slightly disorienting, too, but not enough to be crippling. What kind of status is this, anyway?

Eventually, I'm let onto my feet by the gentle spinning gale.

...Moving forward, I steal a glance of the bee girl.

She's on the floor now, stomping forward, the tendrils now halfway across her body. "Da-damn it…"

...She tries to tug on the scissors again. "Wh-what… what is this…?" Her voice is back to normal, now.

Stepping towards her, I make sure to be quiet…

"I _know_ you're there." It immediately fails to work as she turns to glare at me. "Wh-whuh…" Then, she looks at the scissors again. "You-you… you poisoned me…"

Raising her arm again, she barks out a spell. "Aero!"

Fwoosh! Wind whips towards me, and I'm left with little time to react before-

Bam! I'm thrown back into a tree trunk, taking care that my head at least didn't strike it hard. "... _Ouch_."

"Wh-why...?" She continues to stomp towards me, both of her hands on the scissors. "Why wo-would you do this to me…?"

Gritting her teeth, she continued towards me. "Wh-what did I do wrong…?"

Putting her arm up, she tries a new idea. "Ae-Aeroga…!"

A whirlwind whips around her, but not as violent as I had expected she'd do. It's clearly aggressive, but it doesn't do much but throw some leaves around.

"Wh-what…" Her eyes widened. "No…!"

Putting her hand over the scissors, she tried something else. "Get _out_ of me!"

A small, contained instance of wind manipulation occurred, the chunk of flesh where the scissors were getting rotated violently.

When it did little, she tried to tug on it again. "Wh-what I'd give to be born with fucking _claws!_ I-I'm..."

"Pl-please…" She begged for the strategy to work, now completely ignoring me. "It hurts…"

…

The tendrils seem to have spread across most of her body.

"I'm going to die…" She dropped to her knees stiffly, seemingly losing the ability to articulate her limbs. "Th-this can't… be…."

...Looking up at me again, I saw tears streaming down her face. "Wh-what… made you hate me? Why don't you like me…?"

"You're annoying."

...She frowned. "An-annoying, huh…" She sniffed. "Ye-yeah… I-I guess I can see that."

"Hurry up and die, I have things to do." This has honestly gone on long enough.

…

"So-sorry…" She smiled. "...Thi-this is… what you wanted… right? To-Tomo-kun?"

She closed her eyes-

Fwoo- Fwoo- Fwoo~sh!

Similar to the fairy of unknown element, the death of the bee resulted in her body dissipating entirely, for reasons beyond my understanding. On death, a violent gust of wind surged outward, the remaining tendrils from Chaos Oath's life sapping ripping away.

A shiny teal stone dropped from where she was, landing on the forest floor.

…

I stepped up to retrieve my things: Chaos Oath and the teal stone.

The teal stone I slip into my backpack, because I'll probably never need that on the spot. Then, I pick up Chaos Oath-

' _yo~u… o~ne…_ '

Instantly, a headache. Really, now…

' _embra~ce… us..._ '

A rush of noise assaults my ears as I look down at the scissors, focusing on them intently...

' _ **no~w**_ '

Tendrils lash out from the scissors, and onto my arm. Oh hell no.

I jerk my head back, two more tendrils darting out to try and meet my face, but retracting towards the scissors when they fail to connect.

Letting go of the scissors, I expect them to drop, but they stay stuck to my arm by the tendrils that are latched on. They've not solidified like the type on-stab… yet.

...Even so, they slowly progress up my arm. Using my hand, I try to sever the connections, which doesn't really do much of anything.

Pulling out my steel scissors, I try to use those to snip the dark tendrils that grow on my arm. It works… temporarily. The incisions reconnect within a second. Good.

...Flame scissors? Na~h. I don't feel like dying today.

...There's my pink scissors, but I think I'd be dead before I figured out some bullshit way to pull the thing off of me with it.

Then, there's those holy scissors.

...That probably should have come to mind sooner. Well, I'm not dead yet.

Reaching into my bag, I take out the blessed scissors, and they shimmer unnaturally in the forest's speckled light.

...Looking down at the tendrils, I bring the scissors up, and snip-

The incision sizzles. ' _Eee~!_ ' The tendrils all snap back to Chaos Oath, causing it to be flung a foot or so away from myself.

The remaining section of tendil starts to dissipate into black smog, which becomes nothing in the air even quicker. Red marks are left on my skin where the tendrils were.

...Huh.

...Kneeling, I try to pick up Chaos Oath with the same hand that still has the holy scissors-

...I can't. As in, physically. It's like trying to connect the wrong ends of two magnets. When I try from the side, it actually pushes the scissors along the floor, a little. I make my hand descend from directly above, and try my hardest to connect the two…

Sparks of light and dark energy lash out between the two, and begin to hurt my hand, forcing me to stop.

...Well, then.

"Neat, huh?"

I tense at the voice.

...Turning, I see a green-haired ghost floating in a lying position, looking at the two scissors with me. "...Yeah, holy and dark objects are like water and oil."

Hello. "...How long were you there for?" She's the one I saw outside the shrine, decorated in blue robes.

"Enough to see you brutally murder that honey bee." She smirked. "Fancy cursed object you've got there."

...Taking Chaos Oath, which was now pleasantly unresponsive albeit… absent, I pocket it.

"...Like water and oil, huh?" I express a little more marvel than I would normally for reasons.

"Yeah." She floats into an upright position as I stand. "...Unless- well, there's tons of ways to circumvent that, but it takes a lot of effort. I don't really care for that kinda crap, even if dark magic is fun, sometimes."

Taking the blessed scissors, I hold them so that they're flat against the palm of my open hand, using the open blades to splay them out a bit.

I extend my hand towards her chest, and… though my fingers at first go through her skin, when the scissors connect her breast acts suddenly like my hand was pressing on it the entire time.

The ghost tenses up, for a moment, before giving me a dry stare. "...I mean, I half expected that, but I didn't think you had the balls to do it. I was also pretty sure you didn't like women, either."

...What?

...She grins. "Oh, don't look at me like that. You had a nice 'honey'moon at your fingertips, and you chose to kill the poor bitch instead. I kinda figured that breasts weren't your priority."

With that, she floated back to alleviate her breast of my hand. "Next time you try that, though, you die. So don't."

Oh, good.

"...So, why are you here?" I am curious.

She shrugs. "Saw the danmaku. Came to watch, found murder instead. Kinda disappointed, really. Youkai are too buddy buddy these days. I hardly see anyone eat each other up here."

...Taking a moment to look away, she promptly jerked her head back to look at me. "...Oo~h, right! You were that one guy I saw with all the killing intent! Ri~ght. I thought I recognized you."

Well, then. This is awkward.

...I'm also without my mask, which might be a problem. It should be lying around nearby somewhere…

"Guess I'll let you do your things." She began drifting off. "I could never get you people who, like… nevermind."

Good. "Let's have some kinky sex sometime."

...She pauses, chuckling. "Yeah, okay! See you around, Killgore! Don't let Reimu kill ya for breakin' the spell card rules!" She stops, turning around for a moment. "Yeah, she does that. I think. Anyway, see ya."

She drifts off.

...Even now, we still do not know who the frik the other person is.

…

Oh, there's my mask. Over there in the bushes, apparently.

I move over to the bush, and move to pluck my mask from it-

"Ooga booga booga~!" A cyan-haired girl pops from the bush, holding the mask over her face, and an umbrella in her other hand.

…

She slowly lowers the mask, reading my unamused expression.

"...I dunno if I got you or not." She admitted.

Reaching out, I take my mask back from her, and put it on. "No, you did not." I will now proceed to ignore her completely.

"Aww~, c'mon!" She pouts, yelling at me as I walk away. "Be a _little_ surprised!"

Lazily, I throw my arms up into the air. "Ahh, don't hurt me."

...She doesn't reply, but she's probably glaring daggers at the back of my head.

/ / / / A REAL ODD JOB YO / / / /

As I approach the front of the manor's gate, I see a very curious exchange take place.

One moment, I see Meiling snoozing. The next, a single body- that of Mike's, apparently- in front of the gate. Then, Fred's, and Sakuya… stabs Meiling in the forehead.

...Meiling slowly retracts the knife with two hands. They talk, Sakuya opens the gate herself- somehow- and-

They blink out, all four of them.

…

Then, the gate is closed again, and Meiling seems to be stretching at her post.

That was an adventure.

Casually, I strut up to Meiling, making sure my mask is on just right…

Alright, time to make another first impression.

Stepping ahead, I approach the 'dragonborn', as the village seems to have dubbed her.

...Since she's not asleep yet, she turns to face me, expression neutral.

"Hello, there!" I try to put a little more 'oomph' into my voice than normal, make it a bit more sing-songy. Also, slightly higher. "I came to admire the scenery!"

...Her expression became dry. "Is this about the two… 'guests' we just took in?"

"Oh, you brought guests over?" I have the urge to faux-smirk, even if that's entirely pointless. "Are you having a party?"

...Meiling sighed. "I suppose I'll get Sakuya down here."

...Looking around, she moved for the gate. "Ah… hmm. Sakuya~!"

This wasn't quite what I had in mind.

...

"Sakuya~!" She tried again after a few moments of nothing.

"Apologies." Sakuya was behind the gate, all of a sudden. "I had business to attend to. What do you need?"

Meiling gestures to me with her thumb. "Guy wants a tour. Smells like he just walked out of a meat grinder. Well-... not quite, but I can't really count it."

"...Understood." Sakuya nods. "I believe that could be arranged, for now."

"Splendid." I'm somewhat surprised I was not butchered where I stand. Meiling seemed pretty suspect, for a moment there.

With that, Meiling pushed the gate open, allowing me inside.

"Right this way." Sakuya began stepping forward towards the front door, her back to me.

Following behind her, I quickly find myself bored of the pace, even if she was moving a little faster than she probably needed to.

The gate closes behind us as we come up to the front door, and Sakuya manages to open that, as well. Despite its size, she doesn't have any trouble.

...Should I have offered to hold the door open for her? I'm not sure being gentleman-like would fool her… or if she would particularly care. That, and the tour's responsibility is hers, after all.

I follow her inside, pushing the not-so-light door aside on my way in. It's not as light as she made it look…

/ / / / CHICAGO / / / /

The foyer is relatively quiet. There seems to be a table next to the staircase, though, where a fairy is stationed behind it. Before her are three mugs, flipped upside down.

Fairies are gathered around the stand, causing a commotion.

"I bet _seven_ yen!" A yellow-haired fairy puts her coins down on the counter.

"I bet a _septim_." A brown-haired fairy sets a doorknob down on the counter.

"...U-uhm, do you… take credits?" A peculiar fairy with pastel-red hair and bunny ears holds up a brown card.

"Yeah, yeah." I believe the fairy running the stand is Komi. She takes the card, and sets it on the table. "If it's worth something, it's good."

"Bu-but...!" The rabbit fairy seems to object to her taking the entire credit card, but quickly stifles her objections. "Mrm…"

...Sakuya seems to have paused in the midst of the lobby, watching the scene play out. Then, she begins to move at her dreadfully slow pace down the left hall. "I suppose I will show you the dining area and library first."

...I continue to stare at the fairy gambling parlor as I slowly follow Sakuya.

Komi promptly brushes all the money off the table and into a crate on the floor.

"He-hey!" The rabbit fairy calls out. "You can't just _do_ that!"

Komi rolls her eyes. "What, you ever _gamble_ before?"

"You put the money under the cup." The bunny-fairy tried to explain. "Not just… scoop it away."

"Oh, yeah?" Komi rose a brow. "Look, I use a ball, and the ball's already under a mug. You get the mug, you get the money."

Could Sakuya move any slower? While she walks down the hallway, I think I'll just observe this…

"Bu-but…" The rabbit-fairy was conflicted. "Which mug has the ball?"

"It doesn't fucking _matter._ " Komi grins. "Look. I'll shift the mugs around, and you pick the right one. Okay?"

"...Okay." The rabbit-fairy sighed.

With that, Komi shifted the mugs around. It took only a couple seconds, and she only moved them about three times.

"Okay, go." Komi folded her arms.

…

The yellow-haired fairy picked up the leftmost mug, revealing nothing under it. "Awwh…"

The brown-haired fairy picked up the center mug, revealing nothing under it. "Rotten."

...Finally, the rabbit-fairy picked up the rightmost mug, and nothing was under that either.

…

"Yo-you _thief!_ " She was also the only one who knew that she just got swindled. "Give me back my allowance card!" Attempting to push the table aside, she pretty much outright bowled into it.

"Koi! Namori! Grab the shit!" Komi yelled for her friends.

They ran out from under the foyer staircase, grabbed the crate, and began floating away…

"Ho-how darest you!?" Realizing she was tricked, the brown-haired fairy threw an arm outward.

The table floated into the air, and began gently assaulting Komi. "Cr-crap…! Get your shitty table off of me…!"

And then-

Shi-shi-shi-shink.

Pi-pi-pi-pi~chun!

Komi, her goons, and two of the participating fairies were wiped out in an instant, silver knives clattering to the floor where their forms were.

The rabbit-eared one stumbled back, an orange, wire-like shield rippling around her form as the knife that was meant for her forehead bounced off. "Wha-whahah!?"

...Another knife went for her forehead, the shield shining brightly again to reflect it.

"Mi-mission compromised…!" The rabbit-fairy began running for the door, holding a hand to her ear. "Abort! Abo-"

Three knives went for her head from different directions-

Fwi~sh. After they bounced off, orange mist was expelled from the fairy's ankles and wrists, the wireframe net around her dissipating within a second.

Shink. With her shield down, the knife finally met her forehead.

…

She slowly crouched, hissing. "F-... _fwaa~h_ …!"

"Let's go." Sakuya appeared before me for a moment, before disappearing again.

...I turned down the hallway, only to see she made about the progress I expected when I was looking away.

...Huh. I didn't even participate in any of that. It just _happened_.

Walking after Sakuya, some of the fairies that were crowded around the table earlier run past me, running for the doors of various rooms to take shelter. It seems they expect Sakuya's wrath to be indiscriminate. I wonder if it is, sometimes.

Within moments, we find ourselves at the distinctly bulky doors of the dining room.

"This is the dining area." Sakuya explains to me.

She pushes the door open with ease, and I follow suit.

Inside, there are not many fairies in it, at this hour. There's a fairy with navy blue hair sitting along the left of the table, tiredly staring into what looks like a bowl of oatmeal as she eats it.

...As Sakuya moves into the room, I follow behind her. Since we move along the right side, I get a good view of the fairy…

Oh, she's not eating the oatmeal. She's… lifting a ball and dropping it in, repeatedly.

Splap. Some of the oatmeal flies out once she drops the ball inside. She doesn't look very entertained, but she continues this process anyway.

...Sakuya slows to a stop, looking at her from across the table.

…

Splap.

…

Splap.

…

Bam!

Suddenly, I turn to the bowl, only to see the fairy was now face down in it. Sakuya continues forward business as usual, likely having something to do with it.

Then, we arrive at the kitchen.

"This is the kitchen." Thank you, Sakuya. I would have never guessed. Don't all living rooms and bedrooms typically have stoves? And-... a modern dishwasher, it seems. Whoever got the kitchen appliances for this place must have put in cheat codes, since modern dishwashers are distinctly non-Victorian.

In this room, there was a single, stout blonde fairy with a chef outfit on, feverishly going at a blob of dough with a rolling pin.

Before Sakuya could progress to the door at the other end, she paused abruptly.

You know what? "I wish to bake a cake."

"No." Sakuya decided, saving us twenty-five pages and six thousand words of attempted cooking. "We do not let guests do as they please with the cooking supplies. Most of the time."

Oh, well. I would have scuffed my suit up anyway. That, and gotten bored halfway in.

She progresses to the back door, and I follow along behind her. Once we go through it, we're in another generic hallway.

"This way." She sharply turns to the left, and begins walking… slowly. If I moved at my regular pace, I'd probably walk into her many times over.

"...Pardon my rudeness," I begin, "but might we be able to move a little faster?"

"You wish to see the sights." Sakuya replies promptly. "We will take our time."

...Walls. Doors. _Walls_.

/ / / / AND I'VE HAD A BELLY FULL OF IT / / / /

Eventually, we arrive at the double doors of the library. Sakuya steps up to the door, and opens it casually. I remember that being a lot harder…

"This is the library." Ah, perfect. She knew I was blind and could not see the sea of bookshelves before me. Quality service.

...She steps towards the shelves a bit, before seemingly hesitating. "...I happen to be pressed for time, myself. I will find you a suitable guide for the library while I take care of urgent matters."

...With that, Sakuya disappears, and is replaced by Koakuma.

She's got her arms folded, glaring at me.

I seem to have been put on hold.

…

"Hello." I greet the succubus.

"I was in the _middle_ of something." She makes her discontent known. "But now I have to babysit _you_."

There is an easy solution. "You don't have to supervise me. I can handle myself."

She snorts. "Yeah, okay. Look, if I left you alone, Sakuya'd punch me in the tits."

...Hmm. "Did she instruct you to keep me in the library?"

"Only to show you around." Koakuma turned away. "Should we get started? I'm pretty sure the, uhm…" Turning around, she looked up at a nearby bookshelf. "...I got no fuckin' _idea_ what section this is, but the books look like they're about rocks and shit." With that, she turns to me, looking questioning. "You like rocks and shit?""

I'd really rather not. "No."

…

I move for the door out of the library. While I _could_ talk with Patchouli like this, I've got other matters to attend to…

"Where the hell are you going?" The succubus follows behind me. "Look, if you're trying to steal shit, you can forget it. We hide the vaults in the walls and crap… and the ones we leave in plain view are booby trapped."

Did she just reveal all their secrets… in one sentence?

"No, no, nothing like that." I have never seen anything that looked like a vault inside this mansion, so far. I look back at Koakuma, "I simply wish to explore at my own pace. Can I be faulted for that?"

She shrugged. "We~ll, you class act youkai always tend to do some weird shit sometimes. Except when you _don't_ … which happens more often than not, but the few that do go ballistic leave a bad taste in our mouths. At the end of the day, you all somehow have pretty dresses and suits but usually don't do much of anything but steal or just… exist."

Huh. Apparently I'm not the first person to go totally anonymous.

We continue through the hall outside the library. I'm looking for Remilia's room…

"About half of you wear those cheesy masks, too." Koakuma adds. "...And none of you ever want to have sex. Except for that one dude who asked Remilia to suck his dick. He's dead now."

"Just not with you." Keep your dick out of the succubus at all times, please enjoy the ride.

"Hey, fuck you." She was only vaguely offended. "Do you things even, like, get horny? What the fuck even _are_ you?"

I have come to the conclusion that I am hopelessly lost in the halls. Thankfully, the fairies don't seem to acknowledge our existence, as usual. Some glance at us, though.

"You know what?" I turn towards her for a moment. "I don't think I have."

...She smiles. "You know, I could show you what it's like…"

"Especially not with you around." Turning ahead again, I keep walking.

"Alright, you blew it." She folded her arms. "If I wasn't supposed to be babysitting you, I'd gouge your chest out."

Too kinky for me.

…

"Do you know the way to Remilia's room?" These hallways are unkind.

"...Why~?" She is somewhat suspect. "You gonna throw your life away challenging her or some shit?"

…

"Gonna ask her to suck your dick?" She guessed again.

"Yes." That is the only option.

"Oh, cool." She replied casually. "Can I watch?"

"Sure." Why not.

"Alright, follow me." Koakuma turns around. "We're going the wrong way."

There was a right way?

With that, I follow her into the long, sparsely populated manor halls.

/ / / / EVERYONE'S ON THE TAKE / / / /

It's not terribly long before we reach the immense door to Remilia's room. It only took Koakuma about six turns, and two very long straightaways.

"Here we are." Koakuma grinned at me. "I'd give you a condom, but I never carry any."

...In what circumstance would a succubus require a condom?

Moving up to the door, I knock on it. Just being polite.

…

The door swings open after a few moments. Remilia's not at it though, instead inside and seated at her _tea table_.

...I find it interesting both her regular room and throne room have huge doors largely inoperable by those with human strength.

After a few moments of us gazing at one another, I speak. "Ah, greetings, Scarlet of the Night."

...Her gaze turns dry. "I was not informed of any visitors, today… especially not to my _personal_ quarters."

"Me neither." ...I'm tempted to see if Koakuma is still behind me, but I maintain eye contact with Remilia since she's significantly more aware of her surroundings than her mooks.

She snorts. "...Mmm. Well, take a seat, then. Surely you came here for a reason."

...Koakuma doesn't follow me in, likely staying outside-

Remilia raises her voice. "You, too, little devil. You were the one who guided him here."

...Playing it off as smooth as possible, Koakuma steps in behind me.

We both take seats around the tea table. Remilia's actually got a book before herself, though she seems too distracted by our presence to continue reading.

...Once we're settled, she looks between the both of us. "...So. Why are _you_ here, today?" She looks me over.

"Ah, I was only partaking in a tour of the mansion." I give her my casual explanation.

...She nodded. "Right. Which is why you had the succubus escort you here." Turning to Koakuma, she readied to interrogate her…

Before she got off of me, I pop in my input. "Well you see, it didn't seem like a bad idea at the time."

She gave me a glance. "Yes, I'm sure..."

Then, she focused on Koakuma again. "Why did you bring him here?"

...Smiling, Koakuma looked back and forth between us. "Oh, I thought it would be _fun_."

Remilia smiled. "Oh, yes, fun."

"Why certainly." Koakuma put forth her best friendly smile.

"You know what would also be fun?" Remilia gave her voice a little pep.

Koakuma didn't drop her polite tone. "What's that, Mistress?"

"If I put you into a tiny box, and kicked you down the foyer stairs." Remilia allowed her expression to drop.

...Awkwardly, Koakuma looked over at me, and mouthed to me to cut in and do something.

Quickly, I look over at Remilia, and pretend to not notice.

"...And I'm sure you thought he was one of those stupid fancy youkai who bum out in the woods away from everyone else," Remilia slowly looked at me, "but the man who sits before us is not a youkai."

...Koakuma blinked. "Wha~t?"

How? "...Eh?"

"Did you really think I wouldn't be able to tell?" Remilia grins. "Vampires are smarter than that, boy. I knew who you were within moments of you walking in that door."

...Koakuma looked like she didn't know what to think.

"Then there is no need for introductions, is there?" I voice.

She snorts. "If you came here to trick me, I'll make good on that public stoning. You're lucky Sakuya has to run interrogations, or else I'd have her be interrogating _you._ "

"As fun as that would be, that was not my intention." I begin. "I simply found a quite _dashing_ outfit to wear. It's nice, isn't it?"

...Remilia tilts her head back and forth. "A little scuffed, and it looks unironed. Which, I have to say, is attention to detail when it comes to formal creeps. If that's not what you're going for, you just look like a hobo."

"Oh, my. You sure know your formal attire, don't you?"

"Mmm." She slowly dons a smug smile. "It's a simple necessity."

...I might as well take this mask off. It's been on awhile, and it's pretty stuffy in here.

...Koakuma double takes once I take it off. "Oh, fuck you!"

Remilia turns to her, grinning.

"No fucking way." Pushing away from the table, Koakuma gets up from her chair. "I thought I was gonna see a youkai get ripped apart. Screw this."

The door slammed shut before she could reach it.

" _Sit down_." Remilia commanded her.

She froze on the spot.

…

Stiffly, Koakuma pivoted and marched towards the seat again, looking annoyed. "...As-as you wish… Mistress."

...With that, Remilia focused on me as the succubus sat back down. "You've collected a… _variety_ of new scents since you were gone."

"One must always stay alert here." I spoke diligently. "Or else consequences may ensue."

...

Remilia's stare turned dry. "...Yes. Consequences. Such as death and dismemberment, among other things."

Koakuma slouched on the table, cutting to the point Remilia only vaguely alluded to. " _Damn_ that was needlessly wordy. You sure he's not one of those class act youkai?"

"Maybe in time." Remilia gave her book a glance. "If he doesn't do away with himself before then."

"I only choose battles accordingly."

Remilia nods at that. "Mmm. Which is why, if you're wise, you will leave this mansion, and not come back."

I shrug. "Don't feel like it."

She giggles. "Oh, you don't? What a shame."

...Turning over to Koakuma, she looks back at me. "Well… I'll let you do what you feel is best, then. However…" She leans back in her chair. "You have a few options, if you plan on staying."

...I have ears that are used for listening.

"The first is simple. A daily payment of fifty thousand yen." She leans to the side, resting her head on an arm. "As for the other option… hmm. There are a few things we could do. We could play a game, or, perhaps, you'd prefer to keep my sister company."

"Are you sure you can trust me with your sister?" I give her a smirk.

...She focuses on me, again, slightly less relaxed than before. "If you do anything to upset her, you will die. Be it by my hand or hers."

"Are you sure you cannot just… suck my blood, instead?" I offer.

"How bold of you." ...She sat up. "I will sample it. If I like it, we might be able to come to an agreement."

Standing from her chair, she progressed around the tea table towards me…

Koakuma speaks up, smirking. "What if he gives you a disease, Mistress?"

" _You're_ a disease." Remilia dismisses her.

Once she's next to me, Remilia uses her hands to locate an appropriate place along my neck… "Don't freak out."

Opening her mouth, she brought her two fangs down in the long of my neck, leaning in to do so.

Immediately, it feels I was pricked by two really tiny blades. After a moment, however, the pain subsides, and I feel the pull of her mouth against my skin. There's also the sensation of something being sucked out, but that is likely placebo-

She tears her fangs out abruptly. "Ahk…" Making a curious expression, she licks her fangs. "To-too sweet… it's like I just drank a bag of sugar…"

Huh. "It's just I'm too sweet of an individual."

She glares at me. "Wh-what the hell do you even eat? Do you live on sweets and confectionaries?"

"...Maybe." I resist the urge to grin at her.

"Ugh. You can forget any blood donations, then." With that, she stands up. "...I need to spit. Why did I have Sakuya take the tea cups away earlier…? Blast…"

Koakuma stands up. "Mistre~ss! I can clean your mouth out for you!"

"Not now, you flying obscenity!" Looking around, Remilia sights the tissue box next to her bed. She drifts over to it, takes a few tissues, and- "Pftoo." -spits into it.

...She still looks sour. "I need a drink. Sakuya~!"

The maid appears. "Yes, Mistress?"

"I need some water." Remilia announces.

Sakuya raises a brow. "Mistress…?"

Oh, right, Sakuya's here. Mask back on, mask back on...

"...I mean _drinkable_ water." Remilia clarified. "Why would I harm myself?"

"Right…" Sakuya nodded curtly. "Apologies, Mistress. My mind is occupied, at the moment."

I raise my hand from the table. "Excuse me!"

…

Sakuya turns around. "When did the both of you get here?"

Koakuma bounds towards the maid-

Shink. A silver knife ended up in her forehead.

"Sh- _shi~t…!_ " Stumbling back, Koakuma flops onto the tea table. "It- it bu~rns! Titty fucking _fuck!_ Da~mmit!"

...I make my request. "I would like some water, please."

"Why are you here?" Sakuya is immediately before me.

"Just a quick detour." No big deal.

Sakuya turns to Remilia, brow raised.

Remilia shakes her head. "He lives, today. Maybe. We'll see."

In the next moment, Sakuya is next to Remilia, handing her the water.

"Thank you, Sakuya." The vampire nods.

Then, Sakuya sets down a wooden pail full of water before me. Koakuma's now on the floor next to the table, feeling the knife with her hands. "Ow, ow, ow, ow~..."

...The rim is about five sizes too big for my lips.

Remilia takes her time with her glass, giving it a long, continuous sip…

…

…

"Ha~h…" She finishes the water.

"May I use your glass?" It will be easier that way.

She stares at me dryly. "...No."

I suppose this pail will have to rot, then.

"You are back to your two choices." Remilia holds her glass out to her side, and Sakuya takes it automatically. "Keep my sister company, or… play a 'game'."

"Become Flandre's chew toy? Why, of course! I'm quite the masochist myself, you see." Reverse psychology is the best psychology.

Remilia blinks, before smiling. "That was easier than I expected. Alright, then. Sakuya will show you the way."

"Follow me. I have some time, now." Sakuya begins to slowly step from the room again…

...It takes a good ten seconds for her to get out the door to Remilia's room. The vampire herself moves to her tea table again, reclaiming her previous seat and opening up that book.

...Since Sakuya's going to be outside awhile, I step towards Remilia a bit to take a sneak peek at the book. It has no discernable cover… just colors.

"Come." Sakuya begins pulling me by the back of my suit. Well, then.

/ / / / THE DA, THE CITY HALL, EVEN THE COPS ON THE BEAT / / / /

We progress through the basement maze in one fell swoop, Sakuya getting to bypass the maze entirely by walking straight forward.

Eventually, we arrive at Flandre's door…

Sakuya knocks on it.

…

"Mistress?" Sakuya knocks again-

The door swings open. "Hello~!" Flandre greets her cheerfully. "I was just playing pop-up pirate. Do you wanna join?"

"Sorry, Mistress, but I'm afraid I have other matters to attend to." Sakuya raises a hand mechanically, in an attempt to look less calculating about her dismissal.

...Flandre blinks. "Doing what?"

"Interrogating suspected intruders." Sakuya decided to be honest. "...On interrogation, it seemed they only killed some youkai in the area, and that one fairy must have tagged along with them while looking for that hooligan. They also had seemingly captured a yuki-onna, but it fled when I apprehended them."

"Oh." Flandre slightly looked away, before focusing on Sakuya again. "Interrogations are boring."

"Indeed." With that, Sakuya steps back a bit, gesturing to me. "He is to be your new playmate, for some time."

Flandre looks at me, and beams. "It's that guy who said thank you to me! Hello polite guy!"

But I'm wearing my mask!

...Sakuya tilted her head.

"Come on in!" Flandre energetically stomped off into her room.

"...Well, play nice." Turning to me, Sakuya held up three knives to my chin. "If you upset her, I will end you."

"You can count on me not doing that." I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be able to… because I'd already be dead.

With that, Sakuya was gone.

...I walk into the room, and look around. The floors have black and white tiles, and the walls are neon green, for some reason.

"Aho~y!"

...There was a fairy with an eyepatch sitting in a barrel, numerous pointy cutlasses poking inside the barrel. She seemed to be fine, somehow, however.

Flandre fluffs up. "You're supposed to stay _inside_ the barrel…!"

"O-oh, right!" The pirate fairy ducks back inside. "Sorry!"

...Turning to me, Flandre smiles. "You should put the next sword in!"

"Sure." I am okay with this.

She moves over to a pile of worn-looking cutlasses, and picks one up seamlessly. "Here!" She walks over and hands it to me.

...With it, I step up and around the barrel…

There are no holes to insert blades other than the ones Flandre has taken. "...There seems to be no more room."

...Flandre tilts her head. "Wha~t? There's plenty of room!"

If she says so.

"Look," sensing my doubt, she picks up a cutlass, "lemme show you…"

Moving around my side, she brings the cutlass underhand, like it were a knife, and-

Cra~ck!

-jams it directly into the wood, making a hole.

Pi~chun!

...Flandre raised her arms in the air. "I did it! I won!"

Well. "Fun game."

...She turned to me, and her smile became a half smile. "Awwh, you didn't get a turn… how about we play a different game? 'Cause Rose takes a while to respawn, and only comes down once a couple days."

...I would say no, but that might go over poorly. "Perhaps." Indecision is the superior option, in this scenario.

"Alright!" Flandre smiles widely again. "How about tag?"

Preferably not. "No."

...She blinks. "Danmaku?"

Even worse. "Let's not."

"Danmaku tag?" She tries again.

"Combining the two doesn't make it better." If I didn't like danmaku or tag… why would I like danmaku tag?

"Croquet?" Flandre suggests that game about hitting balls with mallets.

...I tilt my head. "Only if we have to." I've never actually played that.

"Good! 'Cause I dunno how to play!" She beams.

Oh, good.

She continues suggesting games. "Croque?"

"...You literally just suggested that." Really, now.

She shook her head. "Nope, nope. I was asking if you wanted to eat some, but I guess that's a no."

Can you even make any.

...Suddenly, she looks awed. " _Laser_ tag…!"

That is not, in fact, different from danmaku tag.

...She reads my expression. "Aw. c'mon. Laser tag's actually pretty fun."

"No." I refuse.

"Awh." ...Idly, she looks around a bit. "We could do some coloring."

Hmm. "That sounds okay, but I'd rather do something else."

Flandre throws her arms out. "Okay, what do you wanna do!? You're really picky, mister!"

...We hear some noises.

"honh honh honh"

...A fluffle's head slowly folds out from under the bed.

The barrel begins to vibrate. "honhonhonh!"

...Flandre blinks.

Crack! Cr-cr-cra~ck!

Four spider-like legs erupt from the cutlass-filled barrel, and it begins to stand up.

"The barrel's _ali~ve!_ " With a yell, Flandre picks up some of the cutlasses, and begins throwing them like darts.

Crack! Crack! Crack! The barrel begins to split open from the force of the cutlasses piercing it, and it gets thrown back a few feet with each toss, until-

Crack! Bam! The barrel collapsed into two halves, and fluffles poured out of it. The spider legs were revealed to come from some sort of purple orb in the center, which ceased to operate as the barrel split open, ripping the legs off of it.

"Get out! Scram!" Flandre tossed her cutlass darts at the horde as it began scuttling towards the doors.

Many of the cutlasses got stuck in the floor, but she nailed a fluffle with every toss.

"Man…" Flandre pouted. "I was gonna use that barrel for _stuff_ , too…"

This gives me an idea, however. "How about we play 'Fluffle Smasher'?"

Flandre perked up. "Ooh! That's a great idea! I get to use my new sword sis bought for me, too!"

New sword?

Flandre drew a hilt from her pocket. "Yeah! Sis bought it from the fluff stuffs, and it cost, uhm…" She tilted her head. "One million, three hundred thousand yen."

The hilt was grey, with a blue gem at the very bottom.

"They called it…" She spoke a little more resolutely. "Unix Epoch." ...Then, she smiled. "Whatever that means!"

Then, she powered it up.

The space about a few feet out from the sword began to dim, a blurry grey representing the magical blade's effective area. The objects seen through it seemed to warp and bend to conform to a single warped line that stretched from the hilt.

"Ooo~..." Flandre smiled at it. "It looks so cool!"

...That fluffle stuck its head out from under the bed again.

Flandre turned to it. "Hey, c'mere…" Stepping towards it, she poked the fluffle with the grey area.

The blanket draping off the side of the bed was caught within the grey blur, and began to wither and wilt, quickly decomposing into nothing. The fluffle stared straight forward into the grey, the decals on its face vaporizing but the body itself remaining. "Waa~aaa~aaa~l!" Its wail fluctuated wildly as it rang out from the time crunching space.

...Flandre turned off her sword.

...The faceless fluffle stumbled out from the small indent that had formed due to the decomposing of the rock under it. "Wa-waw… waa~l." It flopped over, and dissipated into dust.

Well, then. It seems to have been worth one-point-three million yen.

"Wo~w…" She looks down at her sword with pure awe. "Let's go find those fluffles!" She looks around excitedly… and once she slows down a little, she turns to me inquisitively. "Where would they be?"

...Turning to her, I smirk. "How about we check the rest of the cellar? There must be many fluffles down there."

...Flandre shakes her head. "I dunno. Sakuya and sis don't want me down there, and it smells, too. I see fluffles all the time in the halls!"

"What they don't know won't hurt them." I argue.

Suddenly, Flandre's expression hardens. "No. I don't wanna go there."

...Hmm. "What if we… split up?" And searched for clues?

...Flandre paused. "Hmm. Well, if you really wanna search the stinky cellar so bad, okay. I'll go beat up the ones in the halls!" With that, she dashed out of the room through the door I came in.

That was easier than I had anticipated.

Moving up to the back door of the room, I find it-... locked.

There is surely a solution to this.

First, I will back up… and then, I'll run towards the door, and kick-

Bam!

-under the knob. The door vibrates, but little else.

Second verse, same as the first…!

Bam!

Doors are not the kindest things. Backing up, I go again…

Bam!

Time to switch legs. This door…

 _Bam!_

Finally. The door vibrated as it swung open, opening only a crack. I proceed to push it out of my way as I advance into the hall, and immediately turn to the left.

Now I am back in the dark hallway again. Soon enough, I should find the lit section…

/ / / / ALL PAID TO TURN A BLIND EYE / / / /

Here I am. The hallway led to a two-way, dimly lit by the bleak white lights overhead. To get here, I had to step past a few large rocks that were recently positioned in the way… I wouldn't know anything about why they were there now and not before, I don't think.

My shoes click against the grated sections of floor, causing me to look down, briefly.

"ho ho ho"

There are also fluffy noises, down here. I'll have to keep my eyes open.

Moving forward quickly, I scan the walls for the first blood bag…

Ah, there.

Some guy is chained to the rightmost wall of the left path. His form is covered in blood, and there's a grate directly beneath him.

...I suppose a simple stab from Chaos Oath will do the trick. He's a bit high up, but I can just stab him in the foot. I'm sure the tendrils will work their magic no matter where you insert the weapon.

Taking out the weapon-

' _you~r life..._ '

Oh, shut up, I'm trying to feed you.

Before the headache sets in, I stab it into the blood bag's foot.

Shink.

…

Too late. I have a headache. Damn.

Immediately, wooden tendrils begin traveling up the man's bare leg. Everyone chained up is entirely naked, since they are animals, clearly. I wonder what their lifespan is… and how long they're kept for.

…

I just realized that I won't really know when these tendrils are done eating him. I suppose…

Tugging on Chaos Oath, it refuses to let me pull it out.

Ah, okay. When it's done, I'll probably be able to extract it. Until then, I'll just get to admire the scenery.

…

"lets be friends"

...I look around for the fluffle that said that, but don't see it. Oh, well.

…

It has to be done, by now.

Moving up to the scissors, I claim them from the man's foot. They disengage smoothly.

Alright. Now, onto the next one…

Choo! Choo! Choo!

"Waaa~l!"

Down the hall, I'm able to see solid blue lights flare into existence, but I don't see much else. Perhaps I'll go the _other_ way.

I move briskly down the other section of hallway, to the right of the two-way from earlier. It's not long before I find another body… and since it's a little lower down, I'll stab it in the thigh, this time.

' _gi~ve…_ '

Working on it.

Shink. I insert the blade directly into the man.

The tendrils begin spreading. A~h, progress.

…

Choo! Choo! Choo!

Boom! "Waaa~l!" Just what the hell is going on down that hallway?

…

Something ahead of me starts making a rolling sound on the stone floor. Then, it clicks repeatedly and loudly against the grated floor.

I get close to the wall- but not too close, it probably has numerous layers of diseased blood speckled on it- and try to stay quaint and let whatever this rolling monstrosity is pass by.

Looking ahead, I can see shimmering metal glimmer in the dim light, and I only properly see what the large object is when it begins to pass me by.

It's some kind of layered, tower-like structure. Five different layers of boxes with seams between them wheeled by, some of the boxes sporting weird viewports that had fluffles leaning out of them. As I watched it, sides of the boxes would materialize and dematerialize at seemingly random, revealing tiny mounted guns inside… but only from the side you were looking at.

I'm glad it's not attacking me, at the very least.

Footsteps thunder down the hallway I had come from.

...I remove Chaos Oath from the man's thigh-

' _...mortal parasite...'_

Oh, hello there.

Choo! Choo! Choo!

I look to the side, and see bright blue bolts of energy move into the fluffle tower thing.

"we're under attack!" The fluffles started getting riled up, and-

Fwoosh! A stream of flames stretches out from the tower, engaging the person firing at it.

The flames light up the hall, allowing me to see that it was a rabbit engaging it.

Her shield lit up a bright blue, looking like it had a similar wireframe pattern to that last rabbit I saw… except it was blue, now.

"Gh…!" She shielded herself with her arms, the best thing to do to combat fire with. The shield prevented her from actually catching fire, it seems.

She opened fire with more shots on it-

"reflect!" All of the sides of the tower closed.

Cli~ng! A reflective sphere generated around the tower, for a moment.

Ti-ti-ti~ng! The three bullets the rabbit fired were reflected back at her. "A-ah…!?"

Fwi~sh… Her shield fell, similarly colored mist pouring into the air. "U-ugh…"

She began to fall back, it seems. The device began wheeling after her, as I heard her run in the opposite direction.

' _...why do you tempt what you do not understand..._ '

Moving quickly, I search for another sorry sack to drain the life of. The walls are surprisingly bare for a short stretch, until I make a familiar left turn and find myself on route to that one clearing I was at before Sakuya bamboozled me.

There's a corpse on the right, here. Well, not corpse, or so I hope. Soon to be corpse.

Lifting Chaos Oath, I prepare to stab it into his knee… or just below it, anyway.

Shink.

…

There we are, headache slightly alleviated. Hopefully the rabbit won't make the hall flash again, because that's annoying.

Choo! Choo! Choo!

Yep. As expected. This cellar is a terrible place to be, but I suppose that's the point.

…

Any day now.

…

I give Chaos Oath a tug, and- there we are. The corpse is half covered in wooden tendrils, now.

'... _why do you eradicate these vermin in your name…_ '

Time to keep moving.

Eventually, I reach the large rectangular room with the wine racks. The dim lights produce a buzzing noise throughout the room. The shady wine racks stand along the walls of the room, blocking out a large amount of the already crappy lighting.

"ho… honh"

Some bottles clatter along the floor. Dust people are here.

I should get going. There are four paths to take, one being the one I came from-

Choo! Choo! Choo!

Boom! "Waaa~l!"

-which is no longer an option. I take a quick left, progressing past the dark wine racks, and into the dark tunnel ahead…

"Huwou~h…"

Before me, a dark brown apparition started to take form, a yellow light shining from non-existence in the midst of the very loose, overlay-esque form.

...A ghost, is it?

I take a moment to bring out my blessed scissors. "I would recommend that you don't do this."

"Weo~h…" A windy noise comes from the ghost, before the yellow light flickers.

Fwooo~...

A green magic circle generates around me, and before I could examine it properly-

Woah. I~nstant sugar crash. Now my headache is like the beating of drums. Marvelous.

Somewhat sloppily, I break from the circle and run at the apparition with my scissors held high, and ready to strike at the being's light with it. I swing-

"Wou _aoh!_ " It violently cringes back, its form becoming solid for a moment. "Wrr~ _auh!_ "

...The floor begins to shake, and I find my footing unsteadied by the shifting of the rock beneath me.

Alarm racing up the back of my neck, I throw myself forward and stab the ghost-

"Huw _aouh!_ " It whirls back, this time, before choosing to fade into the adjacent wall.

...After a few moments of inactivity, I realize it fled. A glance at the floor behind me reveals the rock cracked significantly. If that thing had caused a cave in, I would have really been pissed.

"...Who's there!?" The rabbit girl yells from the room behind me. I suppose I haven't the time to stick around. Miss plasma bolts can have the fluffles to herself.

Actually, there's a wall-mounted blood donation right here. I'll just pray she can't see me.

' _...sacrifice… feed to one that will oppose..._ '

Stashing the blessed scissors, I stab Chaos Oath into the man's stomach.

Shink.

And now, I wait.

"Mo-more of them…!?" The rabbit shouts from down the hall. "Base! Base, do you read me!? Base!"

I assume she's one of Eirin's. It'd be fun if she got caught down here.

"...Base? You're breaking up- I can't hear you. Base!" ...She sighs. "Accursed radio communications array… I should've shelled out the bucks for the direct beam communicator. Stupid, stupid, stupid…"

You see, we are in a tunnel.

Choo! Choo! Choo! She suddenly starts firing her plasma weapon at something in the wine rack room. The light stretches out far enough to illuminate _me_ , which is worrying.

Are these scissors done…? Ah, yes. Very go- ouch, ouch, that… hmm. Well, it's getting stronger, but holding it makes me feel empty. Emptier than usual, that is.

' _...there is no motive to apprehend..._ '

With Chaos Oath in hand, I find myself briskly pacing across more grated flooring. This section of hall is distinctly without lighting.

Choo! Choo! "Aah!" I hear the rabbit shriek in surprise. The light of her bullets tells me I am not briskly pacing straight into a coagulated wall. Good.

There's also a body to the left, here. I'll just stab that.

Shink.

Grinding corpses for EXP is hard work. Especially when this cavern smells horrible. The iron is real down here.

"here we go~!"

"ho ho~!"

 _That's_ too close for comfort.

Doing my best to compact myself against the wall while not eating the clotted blood and assorted mysterious stains, I watch the darkness carefully…

Wheels began clattering against the grate, a fluffle tower from nowhere mobilizing before me immediately. Where did that even come from…?

The thundering of footsteps against the grated floor to my right rings out. That rabbit is getting awfully close for comfort.

Plasma shots flew out to meet the fluffle tower before me. The blood bag next to me was clearly visible with each flash of light.

Alright, that blade has to be done by now…!

Pulling it out- oh, come on, now is _not_ the time to be difficult…!

' _...no matter your purpose..._ '

Shut up and let me pull you.

A series of yellow plasma bolts flew out at the rabbit, causing her to dodge to the side and into the wall. "Ah…" She probably has _all_ the STDs, now- if lunar rabbits are even vulnerable.

Well, I'll just run and leave her behind entirely. I think I've killed enough corpses to leave the few between here and the next turn alive.

Finally, got Chaos Oath out. Time to jog down this hallway…

…

Lights flare from behind me. "Waaaa~l!"

How long is this hallway…?

Woah!

I actually bump into one of the fluff towers, and it pushes me along a little before I navigate around it.

...Apparently they don't even care about me. Hmm.

Running forward hastily, I- "Oof…"

Again?

...I push myself past another fluff tower. The spy is _not_ going to have a good time.

...This time, I move down the hall a little more carefully, keeping to the side to avoid any more fluff towers. The bodies can wait, since I'm sure I'll see more.

It doesn't take long before I'm at a two way, left with left or right as choices. Two more physics defying metal towers stood here, stationed haphazardly. The fluffles pretended to be restless.

...The middle cube of one of the metal towers let one of its sides open, the fluffles inside revealed to be playing cards. All they did was give cards back and forth to one another with no discussion.

Okay.

' _...no matter your resolution..._ '

...I suppose I'll take another left to be closer to the exit-

" _Rooaa-aaorr-eeoor!_ "

...My ears, they ring. What the _hell_ was that?

I look down the rightmost hall, which is not at all lit.

Choo, choo, choo! Two more physics-defying fluff towers in the darkness make themselves visible, firing bright yellow pulses towards-

What is _that_.

From here, it only looks like a flower of arms and hands. They shift around a central point, and take up nearly the entire width of the hall.

The hands all rocket forwards, and grab one of the towers.

 _Kri~ng!_ The metal made a horrible noise.

Boom! The tower exploded, revealing the sickly gray color of the flesh that turned it into tinfoil.

Of all the times I've ever had to run away from something, I think this is near the top of my list.

I dash at full sprint down the left path. Whatever that arm flower is, it's probably friendly, and would most likely give me treats were I to encounter it. Treats being dismemberment.

 _Kri~ng!_ There goes the second fluffle tower.

Boom! The amber light showed me I was about to run into _another_ one.

"honh honh honh" The fluffles coo at me as I pass them. Ech.

' _...there is only but one thing that must be understood..._ '

This thing… is seriously annoying.

I pass numerous easily harvestable almost-corpses on my way to the nearest turn out of this crazy hallway.

 _Kri~ng!_ Those fluffles weren't doing very good against the arm monster, apparently.

Boom!

It doesn't take too long, though. I find myself at another lit intersection, to see that both paths are adequately lit. The left has some smouldering remains of fluffle machines sitting there… which means I might be in familiar territory.

 _Kri~ng!_ Boom! That sound makes living difficult.

Those arm monsters better not be able to make turns. Taking the left path, towards the exit, I look at the remaining bloody people along the wall, and ready to pick one to stab, just for the road.

 _Kri~ng!_ Boom! That one was rather quick, that time-

" _Rooaa-aaorr-eeoor_ _!_ "

The hallway vibrates as I hear the arms thunder down the hall I was just in. Looking to the side, I await their appearance with bated breath…

In the blink of an eye, the arms were there-

Bam! They slammed against the far wall, and pushed themselves back into their shaft with one quick motion, only allowing me a glance at whatever that black, brown, bulbous backside was. Slowly, it begins to retrace its steps, moving backwards into the hall…

...So they _don't_ make turns. Good.

Time to harvest this last body.

' _ **...you are mine...**_ **'**

Shink.

…

I can't wait to get out of here. I am not happy about the time spent here, even if the progress is very pleasing. Too many walls caked in people-juice. It's not the principle- it's the _stench_. Even _I_ can smell it, and my nose isn't known for working at the best of times. Eugh…

My scissors are also getting increasingly hellbent on consuming my soul, but right now this horrible hallway system is a more pressing matter.

...I can see flashy lights in the distance. That rabbit is having fun, hopefully.

Time to extract the blade…

The corpse it was inside is now completely covered in a wire-like pattern of wooden tendrils, the skin white everywhere except around the wood's contact.

...Is this thing going to give me minor motion sickness every time I reinitiate contact with it?

' _...but it's not like I like you or anything..._ '

 _What_.

"Base! _Ba~se!_ " I hear the rabbit yell before me, her form coming into view in the dim light. Her shield was down, it seemed. Yellow plasma bolts ripped behind her, as she jaunted towards the exit.

...I don't know whether to momentarily double back, or-

" _Rooaa-aaorr-eeoor_ _!_ "

That was somewhere behind me. Let's go go go.

I run forwards, too.

We both move at full sprint towards the door out of the maze… though, the lunar rabbit moves faster than me, for hopefully obvious reasons.

Vroo~... I get close enough to her to hear her shield recharge.

"My-my _stupid_ pistol…!" She seems to be aiming it forward at me, pulling the trigger repeatedly. "Work!" She begins hitting it with her hand, slowing down a little.

We meet at the exit intersection at the same time. Behind her is a wall of yellow plasma bolts, and behind me-

The thumping of arms against the concrete and grated floors gets louder and louder.

Her eyes go wide, and before I can do anything, she practically becomes horizontal as she dashes out of the hall. Reacting based on her expression, I lag behind her with my somewhat stinted jog. I make it out in good time, as well. The arms weren't _that_ -

Kri~ng!

When did they get over there.

Boom! Well, that was the fluffle's problem, now.

I run behind the rabbit in the dark hall. She slowly slows down as we pass Flandre's room, and eventually there's a point where we're both too tired to book it anymore. Especially so since nothing was audibly following us anymore.

...We both breathed deeply as we slowed to a stop. I still couldn't see shit in this darkness.

…

Cli-click. The rabbit holds up a white flashlight to my face.

Ouch. "Don't do that." I hold my hand to block the light.

She points her now unlit plasma pistol at me. "Don't move, and put your hands in the air." She's in what seems to be a black and blue catsuit. She's also got long, white hair, and rabbit ears.

"...Why?" I raise a brow.

"You're affiliated with the Scarlets, are you not?" Her expression is stern. "Surely you have some things worth telling me about this operation."

"I wouldn't work for them even if you paid me." I decline her notion.

She snorts. "That's why you're down in their secret corridor system, doing… whatever it is you're doing."

"It's not a secret corridor system…" I fold my arms. "It's a cellar."

The rabbit rolls her eyes. "Don't sass me or I'll shoot. This 'cellar' was listed for search and seizure under the Lunar-Genso Espionage Act, as one of a few locations that requires critical reconnaissance. There is good reason to believe the youkai harbor powerful weapons out of sight."

...Mmm. "Nearly dead people aren't powerful weapons."

She double took. "What about those… arm youkai? Their power was… well, mundane- however, there is obvious experimentation going on here…!"

"Not like anyone really cares." I cast my arms aside. "You should just go back and fuck each other like rabbits."

…

"I'm out of ammo." She admitted, looking sour. "I'll remember this, masked youkai."

...She stood there for a while, looking me in the eyes, She looked straight into them despite the darkness and the inconsistency of the lighting, presumably tracing my movements.

…

"What's your role down here?" She questioned further. She began slowly strafing to the side, getting closer to me. Her light was lowered further and further, seemingly obscuring my own form after a second…

Idea. "...I'm a weapons manufacturer."

She stops strafing, shining the light a little higher. "Oh? What do you make?"

I hold out Chaos Oath handle-end. "Here. Free sample."

...She nods, and slowly brings her hand towards it-

Her energy shield ripples once her hand gets near the handle.

"What the…" She blinks. "What's this? Your weapon's trying to hurt me."

I nod. "Is it. Maybe you're not using it right."

She seems to relax, slouching a bit. "...They're _scissors_. I mean- I'm not _that_ stupid."

"Maybe the shield is interfering with it." I suggest.

She waves me off. "No… well, perhaps, but I'm not dropping it in such a filthy place. When I can help it, anyway." She hugs herself with one arm, still aiming the gun at me. "Anyway… you seem like you don't know anything else. I have to extract. By the way: make sure to tell your mistresses _everything_ that happened here. See what happens."

With that, the rabbit spy began sprinting off, hauling it like no tomorrow.

…

Well, then.

Now I have a significantly more powerful Chaos Oath. Hopefully using it doesn't mean I instantly explode into a rain of gibs, now.

' _...why are you letting it get away..._ '

Oh?

...I look down at Chaos Oath. I'm going to assume I can't think to it, because I'm not a psychic mastermind. "Because she probably knew rabbit-jitsu, or something." That, or she had a laser katana hidden in her back pocket. That surely would have been a terrible time.

...I suppose I'll cut through the mansion to make my visit less suspicious. Keeping Chaos Oath stashed the entire time, of course.

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

END OF CHAPTER 49.5

PROTAGONIST: Matthew, the Debatably Sane Outsider, Lord of Edges, Scissor-Slinging Slasher, Insurance Fraud Expert, Used Goods Reseller, Evil Spirit Cultivator

PRIMARY WEAPON: Chaos Oath - Forged from the bark of the Saigyou Ayakashi, and bent to shape by a masterful magician well versed in the material arts… it's a pair of wooden scissors. Produces low whistles and howls. Channeling mana into it gives user an immense physical boost, but it seems to come at a price… And it seems to be haunted by something that wants me dead.

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - Takes up no inventory space, because it is the inventory space. Has nine slots, and is easily accessible.

Steel Scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Quick Scissorang - Non-elemental scissors that are enchanted to return to the owner with ferocity. Not that powerful of a weapon, but combined with strong string it can be used like a powerful grappling hook. Looks like it belongs in a Barbie catalog.

Flame Scissors - Fire-elemental scissors that have an incendiary effect on strike. Boosts fire magic and abilities, as if I had any. Enchanted to grant 20% fire resistance, and reduce discomfort near fire.

Dash Scissors - Succubus training tool. Allows for horizontal quick-dashes, for dodging and agility purposes. Doubles as scissors for kinky, cloth-cutting occasions. Or stabbing. Sleek, black design.

Blessed Steel Scissors - Stained lightly with fresh blood from a young human female. Sharp, shiny-ish, and to the point! Also blessed...

Steel-alloy String - An experimental item provided by Alice as part of her testing. She uses these herself to manage her dolls, or so I'm told.

A Tuft of Cloth Strings - Pink, regular cotton string. It's soft, and clean.

Bang Gun - _Bang._

(one more space remaining)

[Backpack] - Allows extended inventory, of twenty slots. Can hold larger items, but it takes longer to pull them out. Items inside are safer. It's also baby barf green.

Hedge Cutters - Rusty lawn pruning tool used by farmers to keep the vile hedges at bay. They're also sharp, so they've probably been used more than once in self-defense.

Dense Shard - A cloudy, very light grey shard. It's not a rock, however… it's too textureless. Perhaps usable as a reagent.

Teal Stone - Cool and refreshing to hold, exuding power of the wind. It's sort of shiny, too. Perhaps usable as a reagent.

(seventeen more spaces remaining)

PARTY:

 _Still_ nobody.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

hello friends

this chapter went through DEVELOPMENT HELL a little bit, but it's all good, because it exists

overall i liked writing this chapter, the honey bee scene was pretty fun to write because i still like making you guys sad sometimes; had her give that name drop to have it be like "even though she's a random youkai we've known for only forty lines of dialogue, she's got personality and depth that you probably didn't get to see in this brief amount of time". part of that is like, on part of the reader and how willing they are to think deeper into it, but if you don't then you can come out just as disconnected as matt and be like "honh".

the mansion wandering went through disjointed sessions but was fun; the under-mansion bits were also things that existed! a lotta TRANSIT and METHODICALNESS, and not terribly a lot of humor, but y'know, s'not always sunshine… although there is some humor!

for some reason i was obsessed with making this more humorous but just stowed that desire away as i wrote it a bit… hmm

as for why it went into development hell, around the line where matt proposed to bake a cake… well, he actually got to start trying to make that cake, but one thing led to another and it became a HORDE SURVIVAL against FERAL FAIRY MAIDS and he had to FEND THEM OFF with FISTS and BLADES and and and-

...that went on for quite some time and in the end was kinda repetitive and not worth the joke payoff at the end, so it has instead been written over entirely. that took up an entire day and was indeed 6 k words long! (this would've been like 15-17 k instead of my normal 10 k if i included it!). it was likely born from me not realizing until it was way too late that the joke matt wanted to make was too resource-intensive and wouldn't work outside of jest amongst ourselves

so, yeah!

also- if i didn't already say this, i forget- my proofreader from GENSOKYOBOUND is here to proofread and things! he's fluffy and for the context of referencing him from here on he shall be dubbed "proofreader two"

THING ONE AND THING TWO YO

also- only four more batches of FREAKIN GENSOKYO after this one. can you believe it? i'm not sure what i'll do after this is done, but i might start another general fic here or something; i'd want it to have a unique spin though, maybe… and also, freakin', have a FORESEEABLE PLOT so that i don't just go on for a MILLION WORDS

as always, see you all next time!

CO-AUTHOR'S NOTE:

hello friends

fun chapter overall, but i'm of the opposite opinion when it comes to the bee. i thought the random name drop was kinda cheesy and made solely for a feel-bad moment

or i just got emotional dissonance. hoo cares.

i wanted to make a one-off joke in the kitchen, but it ended up being like 30 pages of just being in the kitchen. it wasn't the best of sequences, to be sure. we might find a way to stick it in later anyway

at the very least we sorted that all out, and in the end we got through quite a few ideas in one sitting

four batches until ending with only one chapter per batch doesn't allow for the best pacing in the world, but what can you do (other than extend it, but that isn't anyone but the author's decision). i gots no freakin idea what'll come after if anything at all. writing fanfiction for years isn't the best hobby to put on a job resume, but you can never know

talking cursed weapons are always fun. especially when they can "evolve".

thank you for somehow making it all this way, and good luck on the rest


	62. E1M62: At Oven's Door

(in which we use the bartering system of the street people)

"Pull, yo…!" Tug, friend, tug!

"Enh!" Ha-chan pulls!

"Harder!" You can do this, friend! "Pain is only weakness leaving the body!"

"A-aahn!" Ha-chan tugs the giant tower thing with me. It's heavy as fuck, but we're making progress…! It was one of those towers that Sakuya freakin' assassinated last time, before she freakin' assassinated Fred and Mike.

"...I am having increased doubts you are an actual yuki-onna." Oh, yeah, we found Letty Whiterock on the way. She's pushing the back half-heartedly… when she could be pushing the entire thing.

I wave her off. "Aaa~h. I-I'm _certified!_ " Like, yo. "I got my yuki-onna license... from yuki-onna school."

...Lookin' over to Letty, I see her giving me a dry stare. "...That further cements my belief that you're not of my kind."

What!? Dude! "Look- I dunno what else to tell ya- I studied all two hundred and two… _yuki-onna rules_." Please accept my smug grin as a peace offering!

"Ehn!" Ha-chan tugs along with me on the red dead tower thing.

"...What's even more ironic is that kimono." She looks down at my white, only very faintly orange-tinted kimono. "It produces heat. It's like you mock us."

I shake my head. "Now _that_ is not intentional. I actually really like yuki-onnas, aside from the whole 'eating your heat and soul' thing. So much so that I felt like dressin' up!" C'mon, don't lie, yuki-onna are the bomb, yo.

"...So you admit you are not one." She smiles smugly back at me.

Oh, you. "Was there any doubt?"

"I don't know." She looks over the big red cylinder we were carrying, momentarily. "You said you had even gone as far as to study all two hundred yuki-onna rules."

...Wait. "Do… those actually exist?" She's actually kinda serious looking, all of a sudden...

"No." She grins.

Freakin'... Letty's sharp. Now I feel bamboozled.

"Anh!" Don't worry, Ha-chan, we're almost to the Kourindou with this thing. Actually- he~y! Just like, twenty more tugs!

"...It seems we're almost there." Letty noted dully. "If I want to collect your heat, I'd best do it now."

Oh, shit. Yeah, no. "Hey, hey…"

"It's just how it is." She smiles at me tiredly. "I want to nap, soon, and I don't really care that you're sympathetic…" Yawning, she accents her point inadvertently. "...Four cards? I win, you sleep."

"I helped out a yuki-onna, I think." This connection better work! "This one girl floated after me the other day, and I took her down to the Myouren Temple, where Byakuren hooked her up with mad heat."

...Letty blinked. "She does that?"

...Huh. "You didn't know? I dunno if Byakuren's just got a dispensary, but it made the yuki-onna like, sentient again."

"Her name…" Letty also stopped pushing the freakin' oversized cylinder, leading to Ha-chan making a strained face as she pulled really hard…

"Was it Mihoko?" Letty looked me in the eye.

...I shrug. "I don't freakin' know. She didn't remember shit."

...Letty nodded, loosening her focus as she gazed ahead again. "Alright. You've convinced me. I'll head down to the temple… after I sleep." She yawns again… "Let's get this thing into the Kourindou, then."

Her yawnin' makes me yawn… "Hoa~h…" Freakin' Letty.

"...Maaa~u…" Ha-chan let out a cute little yawn…!

And then-

Ho~h! Letty lifts the entire cylinder with two arms, and just _walks with it_ over to the Kourindou. Yeah, okay…

"Woa~h!" Ha-chan's jaw drops. "You're _super_ strong…!"

Letty gives her a sedate smile. "I have to be."

With that, Letty carries the huge metal cylinder over to the Kourindou, Ha-chan and I following behind her. Freakin'... icy super person.

...The cylinder's a bit big to fit through the door-

Bam! Letty makes it work anyway. Freakin'... I'm tryin' ta compensate the dude, here, not stretch his funds even thinner!

Thoom. Letty set the giant cylinder down inside.

...I step in behind her, strutting casually. "Ho ho…"

"...I seem to be getting attacked by yuki-onna." Rinnosuke's lookin' up from his book, scanning us with vague concern.

Yo. I lift my wig, showin' off my poofy hair before I set it back. "Hi, son."

...Rinnosuke just looks stumped, blinking at me a few times.

"How are you, today, Rinnosuke?" Letty smiled at him.

...He shrugged. "Well, I was doing just fine until just a few seconds ago. You're not paying for that door, are you?"

"What do you mean?" Letty began walking away, briefly pushing a hand towards my direction. "This young gentleman here will be paying for me. Bye~."

Yeah, thanks. Well, I guess I did waste your, uh… dining time. Mmm…

Sighing, Rinnosuke looks down at his book. "At this point, I'm sure you owe me a few thousand yen, at least."

Yeah, probably. "That's why I brought you this thing!" I turn to the cylinder, and pat on it! "I'm really hoping this is worth something at all."

Slowly, Rinnosuke begins to step out from around the counter. "Hmm. Probably not."

Son, at least look it over…!

...After a moment of pressing his hand against it like he was freakin' consoling it, he came to a conclusion. "This is adamantite."

Oh. Oh!

"Where did you find this?" He raises a brow inquisitively.

"Out by the lake. There's like, fifty of 'em. They were blowing shit up, but Sakuya instantly killed all the living parts." I inform him. "They're burly."

"Indeed…" After a moment, he nods. "Very well. I think this works as payment… I'll have to bring it down to the kappa to get usable equivalents. Thanks for this."

Woo. "You're welcome, son. I need some rubber gloves and a towel."

"Who'd you kill?" Rinnosuke jeers, not looking at me as he does so.

Oof. The irony when your sarcasm is correct… well, I didn't do the deed exactly. "Mommy." I mean, I guess I got a kill assist, which kinda sucks. Oh, well.

"I see." With a snort, he begins moving for the back. "Very well. It's the least I could do for a payload of adamantite. I suppose this makes us even."

"Thanks, yo." Cool. Mostly 'cause I gotta get that freakin' head to the village, and I'd really like to not have blood on my hands.

...Within a few moments, he comes back to me with some freakin'... colorful towel, and-...

"Fancy shmancy…!" Dude, actor person gloves!

"Don't go too crazy now." He grins at me. "Don't open the towel fully, either."

...What?

Taking the towel, I let it drape open fully.

...It depicts an anime-esque Marisa in a bikini. I might hold onto this.

"I warned you." He begins moving behind his counter again.

"I will ejaculate on this later." Time to stash that in my bag…!

...When I look up at Rinnosuke, I see him giving me only the tiredest of tired stares.

Wait, you know what? That raises a very good question. "Why'd you even _have_ this?" I give him a sardonic look… which feels awkward in this situation!

"It was in a box in the woods while I was walking." Rinnosuke looked down at his book. "It had shampoo, soap, and towels that appeared to be of incident resolvers. I've already managed to sell one of Reimu, somehow."

No doubt they'd sell fast… if you had customers. This is the equivalent of freakin' clickbait… except not really. Idea.

"You should hang the remaining towels outside the shop, yo." I grin.

"...No." Rinnosuke doesn't look up from his book. "The amount of things that could go wrong is probably more than you think."

...Reimu and Marisa would kill him, all female youkai would kill him, the towels would get stolen, and yeah. Okay, maybe that's not such a good idea.

"And?" Time to double down on my bad idea! "Put up danmaku sentry guns!"

...He doesn't bother to dignify my suggestion with a response. Honh… what's Ha-chan up to?

I look over at her, and she's holding up some freakin'... muffler thing.

Cla~ng. She dropped it on the floor, staring at it gingerly.

"You're cuddly." Friend. "C'mon, yo…" I gesture for cuddly friend to follow along with me.

"Ooh?" She moves to rejoin me. "Where are we going?"

"We're gonna go solid _noob_ , yo." I nod at her as I move for the door. "Thanks for the things, Rinnosuke!" ...That name's a freakin' mouthful. Mostly just 'cause I'm talking in English… 'cause it also feels like it flows well at the same time!

"Mmm…" He pauses. "You said there are still more of these at the lake?"

I pause in the doorway. "Yeah, yo."

...He continues reading. "Take care."

He's thinkin' 'a theftin' more adamantite, probably. If he can move it, good on him!

Ha-chan and I move out the door, and begin to progress towards the mansion again…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Ho ho ho!

...I slowly strut along the side of the wall, stealthily approaching the front gate of the manor. Ha-chan is floating behind me, hugging the wall as she does so.

...As we near the gate, Meiling dryly turns to us. "What are you two doing?"

"Shhh~!" I put up a finger to my lips. "We're _sneaking_ , dude…"

...She blinks. "Why?"

I stomp towards her, taking a gracious amount of steps to do so. "...It's the _whappersnappers._ They're after me."

...Meiling sighs. "Alright, let me let you in…"

Ho ho! "Thanks, yo. I would've had to survive ten waves of horde survival without you."

She gave me a glance, before moving to open the gate. "You know, you could've just told your fairy there to ask me to let you in. That's technically protocol."

"Aaa~h, protocol, shmotocol." I wave the notion off. "What'm I gonna do? I swing _plant hangers_."

"Blow the roof up?" Meiling grins at me.

Well-... "Alright. I'll give ya that." I forget if that was Eiki's fault or not. I mean, it was probably both… and I did bring her there. Technically my fault in the end anyway!

The gate creaks open, and Meiling goes back to her usual position. "Don't break too much stuff."

"I'll try, yo." I give her a wave as I- wait… "Wasn't this place frozen nearly solid, like, a day or so ago?"

Meiling nodded. "Mmm. Patchouli-sama and Sakuya apparently had a strategy to deal with it all. Something about time stopping and sun magic."

Oo~h. "Thanks, friend." With that, I progress towards the mansion.

"Thanks, gatekeeper person!" Ha-chan somehow doesn't know Meiling's name, despite working here.

Meiling snorted. "It's Meiling."

Movin' across the yard, we eventually make it to the _big door_ , yo…

"Oh, man…" Looking up at it, I shake my head. "That's a- that's a big door, dude. I dunno if I can open it- I just dunno…"

The door creaks open, a bunny-eared… fairy, I think, stumbling out. She's got a red patch on her forehead.

"A-ah…" She rubbed it, her eyes teary. Moving forward, she passed by me without comment, moving for the gate…

Well, okay, then. Oh- yo! These freakin'... automatically closing doors! I had to leap into action to stop the door from shutting on me. It's like those glass doors at schools everywhere.

Now I am inside. I have… infiltrated the perimeter!

"...Why are we here?" Ha-chan wonders aloud.

"We gotta find that head for money." I inform her. "'Cause it'd help me not die as fast."

She nods, looking a little solemn. "...Okay." ...I know the head thing's bad, but it's not like we can just revive her. I think. I don't freakin' know!

...Where the frik would they keep them? Freakin'...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: SAKUYA IZAYOI'S PERSPECTIVE ====

How did this happen.

Before me, Flandre stood over a couch. Some of it had leaves growing over it, and some of it had decomposed to a rotten point, incredibly ravaged by some kind of weather. Similar problems ailed the walls, as if she'd taken a crayon and scribbled on the walls… except with some kind of aging. Fabrics became plant cotton, basic oils, and animal flesh again, as well.

She held that new sword- one that seemed to distort time. "Hi, Sakuya! This new sword is really fun!"

...When Mistress told me her new sword was weird, she didn't tell me that it was both time elemental and could not only reverse aging, but accelerate it too. This just might be worse than her explosion sword.

The sword itself seemed to stretch out about six feet, the effective area an obviously ominous gray. In the very midst, a line stretched from the hilt outward. This line was only visible in that it tore the image of what was behind it, creating a very peculiar visual distortion.

Those fluffles would be scary if they weren't so ridiculous.

She swung it across the floor, and the line of carpet hardened and melted into a brownish-blackish goo, which immediately began to stink.

"...Ee~w." Flandre scowled at it, and swung her sword across it again.

This time, the line of floor became black as carbon, and-

Woosh. It was now a hole in the floor.

"...Whoops." Flandre grinned. "This thing's so~ cool…"

"Please don't swing it at too many things." I beg of her discreetly. "The destruction is immensely inconvenient."

...She pouted. "Wha~t? But that's half the fun of getting a new sword! I gotta swing it at everything!"

I may have halted my aging… but I'll be pressed to say this won't turn my hair from silver to grey. I'll have to double check to see if I have the most possible time resistance, just incase.

The shard in my pocket flashes, signalling to me that our 'guests' are awake. To think I just had Patchouli create it, too…

"What's that?" Flandre looks down at my pocket.

"...I'll be right back." I tell her. Where did that youkai that was accompanying her go, anyway? I suppose he'll be my next priority.

Time stops, and the world greys.

I had the two intruders stashed in a guest room, with the door locked. It's not that we don't have proper interrogation rooms, but I didn't bother with them. Common comfort is more likely to make them be complacent than outrageous devices that we never get to use in the first place.

A short walk leaves me inside the room. Time resumes, and the world's color fades in.

The man in armor is digging through the drawers. "All youkai leave keys within laughably easy reach! You see, it is like a game to them!"

"What _stupid_ novel didja read that from?" The blonde, stout mage scowled at his friend. "Have y' ever even been locked up before?"

His friend shook his head. "Well, admittedly, no, but- look!" He points at me. "It is the maid!"

"Aw, shit…" The mage looks over at me, and I ready myself, on the off chance he panics and tries to cast magic on me. "Well, now what're we gonna-" Despite me hiding his staff, he reaches his arm out towards me. "Fire!"

I stop time, move aside a few steps, and let it resume.

...There was no fireball, even.

"Ha!" He grins at me. "Made ya _flench!_ "

...Really.

The armored one chuckled. "Spot on humor, Fred. We'll be out of this yet, once she gives me my sword."

...That's… not how this works.

Fred seems to deflate at that statement, as well. "Wh- you, fucking…"

The large one turns to me. "Alright, maid. Hand me my sword, so that we may do proper combat."

"I sold it." I tell him. It's actually in the armory, now, but this might hit closer to home.

"You _what!?_ " He clenches his fists. "How _dare_ you!"

"Y'know, we should be grateful they didn't sell _us._ " Fred quips dryly.

...I fold my arms. "Why were you accompanied by a fairy from my manor?" It would do me good to know these things.

The armored one smirked. "Why, we captured her, of course. Found her on a scouting mission outside of the human village, and commandeered her in seconds."

...Fred just gave him a worn glare.

Oh, right. Hana runs around outside the manor. These barbarians probably never set foot on the property. Now I just feel silly.

"Mike, I swear to God, mate, I'm'onna fucking kill you." Fred has had enough.

Mike snorts. "Take it out on the traitor. It is her fault, after all."

...I suppose I'll knock them out and dump them outside the gate, then. If I tried to extort them, I might make Reimu upset. I'll give the mage his cheap staff back, but the knight will only get a steel sword. That holy sword would fetch a good price on resale, I'm sure.

Quickly, I brandish my knives between my fingers. "I'm very sorry, but I will have to pacify the both of you again."

Fred's eyes widened. "Oh, come _on!_ What'd I _do!?_ "

Mike grinned, standing resolute. "Bring it, youkai sympathizer! My fists are stronger than any blade!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

I look under the bed, finding only fluffles. "honh honh honh"

This is like, the tenth bedroom we've searched. At least this one's not fulla freakin' _bats_ , like the last one was, for some unholy reason.

Pulling one of the fluffles out, I nuzzle it, because it's _soft_. "hi friend"

I make a request of it. "I want you to go out into the hall, sit down, and just yell."

…

After I set it down, it gets up and goes to do that. Awwh!

…

"Waaaa~l!" Peace disturbed.

Ha-chan held up some panties she pulled from the nearby dresser. "...I don't think these are them."

I look over at her. "Nah, dude. You found 'em!" Wow, Fred! You look awfully like a pair of panties today!

Ha-chan beams. "Wow! I found them!" ...Then, she furrows her brows. "Don't tell lies, Brad-kun."

Ho ho ho! "I'll try not to, yo. I didn't mean to." So freakin' fluffy.

"Waaaa~l!"

As we progress back into the hall, where the fluffle was yelling, some fairies had gathered around it, perturbed by the cries.

"This stupid thing…" Ganpeki loomed over it. "I'm gonna _crush_ _it_."

This pink-haired fairy was nuzzling a fluffle of her own. "No, do~n't…"

Some other generic fairies glared at the fluffle in question, but didn't say anything.

"Waaaa~l!"

Ganpeki rose her leg to stomp down on it-

Bam! She cracked the floor with her stomp, but the fluffle scurried out of the way, and onto her leg.

"He-hey…!" She began kicking her leg in the air, hopping back on one foot. "Get off! You're a _bug!_ "

Hopping to the side, she kicks her leg into the wall-

Thud. Not as much force as I expected! I guess she's still a fairy, in the end. She eventually settled for leaning against the wall and trying to pluck the fluffle off manually.

"Waa~l…" It arched its head back, and began snapping its shell nose at the air as Ganpeki's hand neared.

She grabbed it anyway, and tossed it to the side. "Eat it! Stupid flea!"

"friend no!" It flopped to the floor, and scuttled away.

...She clapped her hands together. "Hah. Fucking _bug people_. If only they were a little bigger, so I could crush them like the _insects_ they are..."

I clap my hands. "Hello, friend."

"You wanna be next…!?" Jerking her head towards me, she brings a fist back, and starts progressing towards me!

"Friend, no!" I don't want to beat the shit outta you! "I was gonna ask ya if ya wanna find some victims in here, yo. Sakuya captured 'em, and they owe me money." ...Technically!

Ganpeki jerked her head back, grinning. "...They owe ya money? What're ya, some stupid mafia guy?"

I nod. "It's _mafioso_ to you, _son._ "

...She shrugs. "Sounds cool. Guess I won't beat the shit out of you, for now." Hehe~y! "I get a cut of the dough, though. S'only fair."

...What would a fairy even do with ten thousand or so yen? I'll just hope she dies somehow before the end of the ordeal so that I can give her my own bonus. "No problem, friend."

"Ya~y!" Ha-chan cheers! "We're friends now, Gan-chan!"

Ganpeki cringes. "...Hana, if you call me that again, I'm gonna turn ya into a fuckin' lightbulb."

Ha-chan pouts. "...What do I call you, then?"

"Ganpeki. Fuck that stupid name shit." She folds her arms. "It's- when were we _friends?_ No." She glares at my fairy friend.

"...Awh." Ha-chan is crestfallen.

Ganpeki is one for suffixes, apparently. "Alright! Follow us, Gan-chan!" I'm calling her that just to fuck with her, though…!

...She glares at me. " _You_ can't call me that, either."

"Well, I am, friend." I smile at her.

...She cracks her knuckles. "Maybe this won't work out after all, then…"

Freakin' doesn't play around, yo. "Alright, alright. Well, we're gonna be wandering around aimlessly while we look for them."

Ganpeki snorts. "You know there's an actual torture room, right?"

Ooo! "Take us there, yo!"

Ha-chan double takes. "We did?"

"Yeah. Chief told us 'bout it, 'cause we're _elites_." Ganpeki began stomping off. "...We're still gonna wander around aimlessly, though. These hallways suck."

Fun.

We begin following her through the sparsely populated halls…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We arrive at a door!

"Wo~w…" Ha-chan nods appreciatively. "It's a _door_."

"I didn't even open it yet, sparky." Ganpeki gave her a dry glance. "Don't touch anything inside. Some of it clamps down, and it hurts like a son of a bitch."

She fiddles with the knob…

"Locked." She fails to open it.

…

Leaning back a bit, she brings up her elbow, and-

Bam!

The door vibrates open, rocking on its hinges. The lock pops loudly, probably freakin' blown up.

"We're in." Ganpeki pushes the door aside, and begins yelling. "Wake the fuck up! _Wake up!_ "

...Ha-chan and me follow her in as she bowls to the midst of the room. The room itself is rather quaint, seeming more like a guest room emptied of furniture and lined with black devices. These devices looked like exercise equipment on steroids, essentially. Like, if you took freakin' treadmills and put spikes on them. Actually…

I walk up to that treadmill. "What the frik… is this?"

Jerking her head towards me, Ganpeki grins. "Oh, that's the _eviscerator_. It gets gradually harder to survive on as time goes on."

"Does it just get faster?" That'd probably be a nightmare, considering the spikes… wait, how does it even rotate!?

"Nah, it catches on fire too." Looking away, she huffs. "...Also, there's nobody in here. What the fuck?"

Yeah- good question.

"Maybe they went out for snack time." Ha-chan looks thoughtful…

...Ganpeki turns to her, looking at a loss for words. "Fucking…"

"Does she always bring guys here?" Either that, or Sakuya took them straight to the deepest bowels of Hell, or something.

...I get a shrug in response. "Fuck if I know. Last time she kidnapped someone and I saw was like, twenty years ago."

...I'm reminded that some of these fairies are, like, thrice to quadruple times as old as me. Fairy years are whack, yo.

…

I've spotted an edgy weightlifting bench. I can only assume blades shoot out of the shaft of the barbell and fucking impale you. Why else would it have _ridges?_

"Guess I'll follow you pussies around." Ganpeki decided. "Got nothin' better to do, honestly. Aside from kick your asses."

Ha-chan folds her arms. "You're really mean, Ganpeki."

"Yeah, I try to be." Ganpeki smirks at her. "What, that bother you?"

"Yes." Ha-chan's honest!

"...Well, that sucks." You know, Ganpeki really reminds me of random players on online games.

"What are you three doing here?"

Oh, shit! It's the chieftain of the maids!

I turn to Sakuya, clad in my yuki-onna getup.

Ha-chan waved. "Hi, Chief!"

Ganpeki gave her a wave. "Hey. Just looking for the daisies you hauled in."

...Sakuya narrowed her eyes. "Who told you?"

She gestured to me.

"...You must be-..." Sakuya trailed off when she got a better look at my face. "... _Genuinely?_ "

"Hehe~y!" I lift my wig and show her my hair! "It's your boy B. Rad in the _house_ , yo!"

…

"You were there when I apprehended those men." Sakuya vainly realized. "Did they ever go in the mansion?"

I shake my head. "Nope. They wanted to fight Meiling, but I convinced them we didn't have time." I revealed.

"You should have let them." Sakuya leisurely stepped into the room. "You would have saved me a lot of time."

Chuckling, Ganpeki contributed. "I would have _paid_ to see that. I would've joined in!"

"I needed a quest item from them." I reveal. "If we got beat the fuck up, that probably would've been significantly harder. I didn't think we'd run inta _you_."

...Taking her time, Sakuya surveyed the room's many devices. "So it seems. What was this important item?"

Oh, I've walked myself right into this one. Whelp, might as well go all in…! "The severed head of a youkai girl."

"Ah." Sakuya didn't look away from the torture devices as she did her slow walk around of the room. "Why would that be, exactly?"

"...Well, it's worth a bounty at the village." I must turn this around to make myself not look like a youkai hunter person! "I followed some friks along, and by some black voodoo magic they managed to actually kill it."

Looking at me, Sakuya has a brow raised. "...For some reason I doubt those two managed to accomplish anything." She looked away, at the devices again. "Then again, I suppose that pseudo-spell card of the knight's would be able to surprise lesser youkai."

I nod. "Yeah, it was kinda fucked up, but I figured I might as well take it back in and collect the money. Didn't think it'd turn out how it did!" Not as advertised in the commercials, three out of ten, would not recommend to a friend.

"Mmm." Sakuya nodded. "I'll just give it to you, then. We would have just thrown it out anyway."

Woo. I didn't think it'd be as easy as asking for it, but that works!

In the blink of an eye, she's before me with a small box. "There's a towel to soak up the blood inside. I would not recommend opening it before you wish to present it."

Holy shit! It's even in a box and everything! Those gloves are completely useless now! "Wow. Thanks, friend."

...Sakuya subtly grins. "You seem as if you expected something else."

"Yeah. I expected a freakin' bloody head, not a nice 'lil box. Dude…!" ...Should I shove this into my bag, or carry it? I don't imagine things would go well if it was tilted upside down.

...Turning to Ha-chan, I give her the box. "Here, friend."

"Sure!" She takes it happily. Does she… not associate it with the youkai? That, or she's just hiding her displeasure. You're a mystery, Ha-chan.

"Alri~ght…" Ganpeki folds her arms behind her head. "So, you turn that in at the village?"

"Yeah." I move for the door. "The village has a diverse market for youkai heads, you see."

...When I turn to Ganpeki, I see a mixed expression on her face.

"Don't put ideas into the fairy's heads." Sakuya dryly appears before me, advancing out the door ahead of me. I get it, yo, you teleport…!

...This might be a good time for a snack, though. Before I collapse of hunger for going twenty chapters without eating anything again.

"Hey!" I call out to Sakuya before she gets any smart ideas and zippity zooms away. "Can you make me some waffles?" I feel like I'm asking my mom…

Sakuya just disappears. Pfft… I suppose I shoulda anticipated that.

…

Ganpeki pushes me out of the way. "Yeah, I could go for some waffles…" She does it really freakin' casually though, apparently.

So we begin aimlessly wandering the halls in an attempt to find the dining room!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Ganpeki slams the door open. "Hey, bitches!"

...There's a single fairy at the dining room table, her face down in a bowl. Sakuya's on the other side of the table, setting some plates and vases down.

"...Ah. Damn." A few decibels quieter, Ganpeki marches towards the kitchen. She grins, looking across the table at the navy-haired fairy. "Hey, Hotaru."

Hotaru doesn't reply, but she does lift her face from the bowl for a moment, before returning to slumber within it.

Ha-chan moves to the corner of the room, and sets the box down. "There…!"

...Quickly, she hovers through the air back to me, waving her hands like she was holding something icky as she does so. So she _does_ have a problem with the box… and probably for good reason.

I follow Ganpeki across the dining room, and Ha-chan follows behind me.

We reach the door, and Ganpeki viciously assaults it.

Bam! "Hey, bitches!" ...You gonna say that every time you do that?

Inside, I see that one fairy with a rolling pin who tried to end my life with brute force one time. She'd be cuddly if she wasn't homicidal…

Across the room… yo! "Hehe~y!" It's Matt!

...He looks up from the open, fucking insane stove- more on that in a moment- holding a balled up fairy with pale green hair in his arms. "Greetings!" He waves at me. "I am composing a cake!"

...What, like a song? Ho ho! It's a symphony cake!

The stove… I don't even know what the fuck he did to the stove. It was like…

From here, I felt wind coming from the direction of it. Rocks jutted out of the stove's surface, flames licking up the sides of them- no, sorry, _electrical_ flames. Various utensils hovered in the air near the stove, along with some rocks…

The stove was also so hot it was glowing. Inside, there was just… bright lights and freakin' colors. Matt seems to have created a portal to the shadow realm.

Running forward, Ganpeki slammed her arms down on the island in the midst of the kitchen. "What the _fuck_ is that!?"

...The chef fairy reeled her rolling pin back, and tore into Ganpeki's arm. Whack!

Ganpeki flinched slightly, turning to the stout fairy. She grabbed the blonde chef by the collar, and held her up. "We gonna have a fucking problem…?"

"Ah! Ah!" The fairy continued whacking Ganpeki with the rolling pin, prompting the burly fairy to shove her, sending the former sailing across the room.

Thud! She landed on the counter, on her bum. Quite fluidly, too!

Taking a moment to practice a tossing motion, Matt eventually tossed the unconscious, pale-haired fairy into the oven. Using hands that were covered in like five layers of mittens, he promptly closed the door.

"Aaa-h…!" The fairy inside woke up immediately! "A- _aaaa~h!_ "

Matt's mittens sizzled as he shut the oven, and eventually caught fire. Once he clicked the door shut, he tossed them off and onto the tiled floor.

...So! "Why are you incinerating the fairies?" I question him.

...He looks up at me, his face masked. "Why not?"

Good reason.

Fwoom! The oven shakes, and light up with a bright glow, and then-

Di-di-di~ng! The healing chime of a cure spell rings through the air and I see a green halo of brambles, ivy, and those funny little bell things generate over the oven momentarily.

The entire oven glows a soft, increasingly saturated green, before the color fades, and the halo dissipates.

…

Well, then-

Cla~ng. The oven makes a metal noise.

Matt backs away from it, moving towards the back door to the kitchen…

Clang- clang!

It's undergoing thermal cooling, du~de!

Cla- _clo~ng_ …

The oven started scooting forward…

...Ganpeki blinked. "What the _fuck_."

Curiously, I neared the island in the middle of the kitchen myself, and tried to look closer at the now mobile oven…

Clink! Clink!

Two triangular, eye-like things snapped open on top of the stove, partially obscured by the giant flaming rock formation jutting out of the top.

"It's fucking _alive_ …" Ganpeki realizes. "Holy fuck."

...I look over at Matt, who is now halfway through the back door, standing there and watching. Freakin'...!

…

Once the oven stops, he carefully creeps back into the room, and proceeds towards it. He makes a quick detour to grab a bunch of not-oven-mitt cloth things that you use to handle hot pots and stuff, and moves around the side of the stove…

Kneeling before it, he pries it open with both hands.

…

He abruptly shuts it.

"...I think it needs to stay in for a while longer." Matt wisely decides, numerous flaming, singed cloth things falling out of his hands as he clicks the door shut.

As he gets up, and backs away-

Clang! Fwi~sh! As the oven door slammed open, some kind of dark miasma flowered out, and began turning on the stove itself!

The door flailed wildly as the stove was lifted into the air by the smog. Within moments, the inner beast had overcome the stove entirely, and continued to grow…

"Oh, no!" Ha-chan ran out the front door! I follow behind her…

"Where're you two going!?" Ganpeki bounded after us, the floor shaking with each powerful step she exerted.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Now in the dining room, we had to formulate a plan!

Sakuya looked over at us, brow raised. "...What's the big rush?"

I throw my arms outward! "It's the big _snack attack,_ dude! It's gonna eat us for breakfast, lunch, __ _and_ dinner!"

...Sakuya furrowed her brows. "What?"

Bam! The wall from the kitchen was smashed apart! The floating miasma now had a multitude of eyes, and many slick tendrils stretching out from itself.

"What!?" Sakuya repeatedly looked back and forth between us and the monster. "What did you _do!?_ "

"I dunno dude!" I flailed my arms! "The snacks strike back!"

"Quit freaking out!" Ganpeki rose her fists! "I'm gonna _wreck_ it!"

From here, I could see the floating ball of whatever-that-was begin to take on the elements I saw earlier, surrounding itself with flaming electric rocks. They generated from freakin' nothing at all, too.

Ganpeki floated into the air. Okay, yeah, you just go punch it. That'll stop it, for sure.

The hovering mass of elemental bullshit and tentacles turned its numerous eyes at the fairy as she floated towards it.

"Hra~h!" Ganpeki does an aerial, superman-esque punch.

Her arm becomes lodged in the side of it. "O-oh, woah…! Shit!" She stuffs her other arm in, and gets that stuck too. "What!? Oh, fuck!" Slowly, it starts to pull her in…

Sakuya draws her silver knives. "I have to say, this cooking genuinely impresses me."

"I know, right?" I grin. "I didn't even make it!"

...She turns to me, surprised. "Are you implying a fairy did this?"

I shake my head. "It was a masked individual, yo."

...With a sigh, Sakuya takes a battle stance. "I see. I knew leaving him alone was a mistake."

Ganpeki began flailing her torso wildly. "I'll kick your _ass!_ Limbs or _no limbs!_ " Her struggling only caused her to sink further into the mass, before she was promptly enveloped completely.

It is time for us to fight this thing! By which, I mean I~ tap dance in a corner, and Sakuya does all the work.

The floating thing's tentacles all curl up, as if they were about to lash out like restrained branches.

Sakuya takes to the air!

I move over to Ha-chan, and take her arm. "Let's get small, friend…"

With my fairy friend in arm, I prompt her to crouch under the long dining room table with me, so we'd have some cover from the onslaught that was likely to take place.

...From under the table, I can see the miasma ball wriggle and writhe in place, until-

Woosh! It lashed out with all tentacles, spinning in the air. Flaming electric shards of rock spiralled outward, along with small, windy purple particles of some kind.

Zazaza~p! That navy-haired fairy lit alive with electricity from a rock that gently floated into her. "Ebabadabadaba!"

...The table's burning! Aaa~h, aaaa~h!

"Water Sign!" Sakuya announces a spell card! "Lasting Drizzle!"

Twirling through the air, Sakuya randomly jumps to other places in the room, sending out two pretty random waves of freakin'... giant blue kunai.

When they collided with a surface, they'd splash and create larger waves of blue water elemental danmaku. Like this, torrents of danmaku began to flush into the room from all directions, counteracting the inferno that was slowly generating.

Remilia really, really needed to make this mansion out of rocks. Like, seriously, the amount of fire enemies…! Legit, if the human village came over and shot a barrage of flaming arrows, they'd probably fail to kill anyone, but they'd single-handedly one-shot the mansion.

"I'm all _charged_ up…!" Hotaru stood up, hugging the electric, flaming rock. Oh, shit, she's _that_ fairy isn't she?

Pi~chun! Well, she didn't last long.

The table vibrated loudly, the flames going out as danmaku water poured all over it from the many impacts.

Now the room was slowly flooding with danmaku water. Not enough to be a threat to anything, but uh… enough to give the floor a layer!

The danmaku water flows under the table, and comes into contact with my legs.

Ho~ly _shit!_ It's like I'm kneeling on a bed of _thumbtacks!_

Get up!

Bam. I hit my head on the bottom of the table as I try to fumble out…

"Ow- owie- ow~!" Ha-chan suffers similarly, flailing her limbs as she tries to get out from under the table.

Once out- that's a _fuckton_ of bullets! Ouch- woah, woa~h- I'm under fire! Alright, that's it, I can't take this! Pullin' out Youkai Inconveniencer, I settle on spamming holy spells until the pain goes away or I get knocked the hell out.

Ha-chan was splayed out on some chairs, finding a happy middle ground between getting fucked up atop the table and getting fucked up under the table.

Hastily and desperately, I fill the hanger with mana as my torso and face eat scattered water bullets, and-

Fwa~sh!

"Nh…" Sakuya is only briefly blinded, I think. She can probably just stop time and let it wear off, though.

The creature feature in the air doesn't react to it. Good.

It didn't even do anything about the bullets! Faahaha~ck! My body is filled with pain! It's like when you wake up, and your neck hurts to turn in one direction, but it's everywhere and doesn't stop!

I flop over onto Ha-chan and try to wiggle between her and the chair's backs, in an attempt to not get run over as fast.

"Wo-woah…!" Ha-chan was surprised!

The creature above us quickly spun in the air, accelerating towards Sakuya. It was moving too slow to actually hit her anytime soon, but-

Zazazap! Electricity began arcing from its form, and into the water danmaku. Some of it even arced from the bullets into the floor, which- Jesus…! The floor is emitting _light!_

Alright, Ha-chan! You better get healed by this shit, or we're screwed beyond belief!

Nestled behind her, I try to roll her over me to try and shield myself from the electric shots. A few hover closer to us, and the electricity arcs off of the danmaku, and onto Ha-chan.

"Woa-woah…" She jitters lightly, and my hands feel some kinda vibration, too, but I am pleasantly not electromacuted. Alright…

...Okay. Sakuya's still spamming water in a never-ending literal firefight, and I'm trapped here, in immense pain, as my fairy friend is constantly brought to under half health and back to full again.

...Anyone care to tell me where I freakin' went wrong? I was just tryin'a get a fucking _snack!_ And now the snack's out to get _me!_

Eventually, the bullets all dissipate once Sakuya's card times out. Many stones are lodged in the walls, no longer flaming.

The freakin' nightmarish horror beast is still floating in the air, generating more rotating, flaming, electric rocks around itself.

It slammed into the floor-

Bam! A small, purple shockwave spread out across the entire room, and-

...The chairs are floating away, including the ones I'm sitting on. O~h, boy… don't ya just hate it when your dining set just up and takes off on ya? I freakin' know I do!

I shift to try and stay on the chairs, only for them to drift away from me, leaving me drifting slowly upward into the air. Oh. So we're just in no gravity mode right now.

…Aside from the flaming electric rocks of doom, this isn't so bad.

"Maid Secret Skill…" Sakuya rotated in the air, as if she was standing on a wall opposite the floating disaster. "Killing Doll!"

Oh, what I'd give for like, poppable invincibility. Or a _shield!_ Something! We're here, too, Sakuya~!

Streams of blue-hilted, silver knives shot from her in lines. Behind them, she shot lines of red-hilted knives straight at the creature, and then-

Time stopped, apparently. Everything froze except for my ability to see… which is weird!

Rapidly, I saw randomly tossed, green-hilted knives fill in the gaps between all the non-imposing, linear streams. Sweet Jesus, no…!

Time resumed! Back under the table- a~nd I can't propel myself because gravity is dead. "Ha-chan, under the table! Fly, friend, fly!"

She begins flapping her wings-

Ti-ti-ti-ti-tick! A-ah, shit… I-I- "Achoo!" I sneeze into Ha-chan's back, which ends up making us jerk around in the air awkwardly, before her drifting brings us under the floating table.

The random barrages of knives loudly click and clack against the top of the dining table, and push it back down into us.

Alright, we've got cover. Taking out Tundra Bloomer, I ready myself to try and molestigate the floating asshole.

I have learned time and time again… that the best way to pacify foes was to conk them out! Channeling mana into the hanger, I focus on the frik…

Fwooo~...

A magical circle generates… somewhere in it, I think. I hope. Okay, I don't think that even did anything.

The creature's jerking around in the air, attempting to dodge the danmaku knives. It's not doing a terribly good job at it, but uh… does this thing even respond to pain? It _is_ trying to avoid 'em, though.

All of a sudden, Sakuya appeared before it, and threw her arms downward, a barrage of real knives rocketing into the center of it.

The orb-like core was bashed into the wall, multiple rocks that were orbiting around it thrown into the wall as well. The wall promptly began to burn…!

Sakuya responded to that with a few waves of her water knives, the resulting splashes extinguishing the flames.

Woo-woo~sh! The creature spun vertically this time, a powerful gust expanding outward-

Woo~sh!

"Aah!" Ha-chan was slammed into me!

And I-

Thud. Hello, carpeted floor, my old friend. You _suck_.

"Gah…" Sakuya rebounded off the wall ahead of us, before rotating in the air and kicking off of it with her legs, tossing more streams of silver daggers.

...Eventually, Ha-chan and I drifted into the air again. This time, Ha-chan was behind me, using _me_ as a shield. Somethin's not right, here…!

Ducking under the stream of knives after eating half of them, the orb of friktasticness slammed into the floor, again.

...The roar of rocks loudly took hold in the dining room, when-

Kro~fwoom! Woo-woo-woosh!

A series of jagged pillars of rock began to erupt from the floor… which really doesn't make sense, 'cause it gave us anti-gravity, but okay! They don't reach terribly high, but if we were still near the ground we woulda gotten like, mulched.

Sakuya continually twirled and spun through the air, streams of knives accelerating towards the opponent at hand.

...Well, Tundra Bloomer can't do shit, I don't think. Actually…!

Reaching into my sack, I take out Million Bucks! Yeheha~h!

When I do, my legs suddenly flare up with static electricity. Hoohoo~! I bet this thing's really effective, now that I'm like, half unconscious. Danmaku… is not part of a complete breakfast, kids. Like, oof.

...Ha-chan promptly lets her legs contact mine, the static traveling onto her. "Ooo~..."

...I didn't even realize that, but if this electricity is strong enough to do something, it might be able to slowly regenerate Ha-chan! Aw, dude…!

Time to confirm! "Hey, Ha-chan. Is my electricity healin' ya?"

"Nope!" Oh. "It just feels funny!" Well, that's good. There's gotta be some freakin' way to heal her with this thing's elemental state…

Sakuya's suddenly next to us, and she looks over at me. "Silver Sign, Perfect Maid."

You _asshole!_ Aaaa~h!

Reacting quickly, I twirl in the air and hustle Ha-chan. "Switch, switch, switch!"

We do a one-eighty, Ha-chan's back now facing Sakuya.

The maid herself spins slowly in the air, an intricate spread shot of danmaku styled after her stock, blue-hilted knives flowering outward. Like… literally. It looks like she's drawing a flower in the air with 'em.

Fortunately, Ha-chan senses the immense pain incoming, and continues to accelerate us backwards-

Thud. Into the wall, but that's okay.

The knives still advance towards us, and threaten to freakin' pelt Ha-chan. Time to find out if this works…!

"Friend, I am gonna whack you in the stomach repeatedly." I make my intent known! "Tell me if it heals or hurts you!"

"Wh-whah?" She is confused, and probably understandably so. Reeling my arm back, I swing- woah!

I'm forced to let go of her and do a full three-sixty- oo~h… nevermind, I'm doing like, a one-thosuand-something right now… but my hanger seems to phase through her with each strike.

"Aaa~h!" She wails, but her form crackles with electricity from each impact. I see knives from the corners of my eyes whirl past me, and into the side walls… so I _think_ this is working.

Sakuya drifts towards the tentacle monster, weaving through the incoming lashes and aggressive rocks, as she spins more. Another flower of stock danmaku knives blooms outward, drilling into the side of the abomination.

It writhes unhealthily. I think it's working…!

I finally slow down… and we're not in direct fire, at the moment either. Thank frik.

Ha-chan lets out a haunted sigh. "...Th-that _hurt_ …"

Sakuya's spinning around the creature is halted when a tentacle latches onto her leg, electricity slowly traveling up it. In the next instant, the tentacle seems to have been bisected, and now Sakuya is drifting just out of range of the beast.

The dead tentacle's still wrapped around her leg, though!

Sakuya drifts directly overhead of the creature, letting another flower-shaped pattern of knives devastate the abomination.

The core wriggled unevenly, looking unstable as the miasma slowly expanded outward, making it look more like a mesh of inky particles.

Ha-chan lazily drifted into me, her eyes fluttering. "I-I'm tired…"

"Me too…" Like, ow. Once this threat is over, I'm just gonna sit in the corner and sleep.

...Every time Sakuya seems to use that flower pattern, she has a hexagram generate around herself for a brief moment. Ho ho.

Eventually, she begins unleashing them so fast that I can only track each flower's progress by how long it's been since the last unholy magical circle flashed around Sakuya. The room quickly fills with knives, and- freakin'...

I'm trying to rotate Ha-chan so that I can eat some bullets for- wo-woa~h!

Activating my double jump with Million Bucks equipped makes me _gli~de!_ And I can't control _shit!_

Quickly, I zoom across the bottom of the room, along the wall! "Aaaa~h!" It is now time for yelling!

Upside: Ha-chan is now under me, sorta. Downside: I am now eating one hundred percent more bullets than I would normally eat. Graa~h!

As we drift towards the wall, I make a sharp left turn. We pass under the tentacled abomination, through the nearby flower of knives, and I make another sharp left to bring us away from this mess. I'm makin' these turns by just tugging really hard… which keeps flipping us around.

Idea. To slow us down, I just- Bam!- ...repeatedly slam us into the side of the wall until we slow. Then-

Thud. We stop against the corner nearest the one we started, doing a near entire tour of the room. Ha-chan's tightly clinging to me, and I got no freakin' clue what to do from here.

Then-

The mass in the center of the room begins to expand rapidly, Sakuya having filled it with enough holy damage to disrupt whatever the hell was going on inside of it. The dark particles rapidly expanded outward, and-

FwooOOAA-

 _Holy shit!_

…

…

The dark particles are gone, apparently. Ha-chan and I… are stuck on the ceiling. The glass windows at the far side of the dining room are shattered in multiple places, chairs having fallen out and into infinity. The gravity of this room has been ruined.

…

Wow.

"Is-..." Ha-chan looks around, only one eye half open. "Is it over…?"

I nod. "Apparently…"

In an instant, Sakuya hovers before me with her arms folded, positioned right side up. "...I'm impressed you both survived this long."

Oh, thanks. "...You totally used that last card next to us on purpose."

"Mmm." She confirmed. "I was hoping to knock you out and pop your fairy, but it seems she somehow held out. Does she have more durability than normal?"

...Daa~h. "I pumped her fulla electricity if that's what yer asking…"

"Oh." Sakuya tilted her head. "...You were healing her, then. I suppose that works just as well."

Yea~h…

By now, it seemed that Ha-chan was conked out. I~... might be, soon, too…

"Oh. The danmaku seemed to get to you after all." Sakuya turned, and began descending. "I'll arrange for Patchouli-sama to correct this room's elemental balance."

Ah… sounds like fun…

Incredibly uncomfortable and with a lingering, piercing pain seemingly radiating from myself, everything begins to fade…

…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

…

O~w. I don't even wanna stay in bed. People who know healing spells do not know true pain.

...I'm not even in bed. I'm lying on the stupid carpet. Ha-chan seems to be positioned next to me, slightly curled up.

...As I sit up, I see~...

The oven from before scoots towards me, seemingly coming from the dining room's main entrance.

It's door slams open and closed repeatedly. "Bam, bam babam, bam bam bam!" ...Those weren't words, by the way, those were noises. I think… it's trying to communicate with me.

Jesus fuck, I got sent to hell.

"Bababam! Clank! Bam!" It… says.

"Alright." I begin looking around. My head box is next to me, apparently. "God almighty, strike me down now. Not in this life, yo…!"

Sakuya's now next to me, holding a hand of knives to my face. "You called?"

"Wh- shit…!" I scramble backwards, surprised. "Freakin'...!"

The oven… spoke. "Bam- clang! Bam- clang! Bam- clang!" What the fuck.

...Sakuya looked back and forth between the oven and myself. "Oh, I see you've not become acquainted."

I nod. "Yeah, uh, that's an _oven_."

Sakuya shook her head. "That is a tsukumogami."

...I furrow my brows. A _wat?_

"...Well, not really." She admits. "Typically, tsukumogami are born after a hundred years, and more faith-based, if I remember correctly. This oven was moreso charged with magic to the point it naturally became a demi-youkai. I'm not sure if that counts or not."

...Half youkai, half _oven_. What.

"Freakin'..." I just blink at the thing. "Oven person, huh."

"Bababam!" It vibrates. "Clang, bam, clang!"

Sakuya turned to it, then back to me. "It says it's happy to meet you."

It said _what!?_ "...How."

"It speaks in morse code. I don't expect you to know what that is." She elaborates.

...Morse code. Where the fuck did an oven learn morse!?

"Clang, clang!" It shifted towards me, slowly. " _Cla~ng!_ "

...I point my thumb at it. "Did it just say somethin' 'bout my mom?"

Sakuya snorts. "It asked you what your name was."

Oh, good. As ovens tend to do. "...I'm Brad." I hold out my hand. "Nice to meet you, _son_."

The oven's door tilts outward, so that I may, uh… shake it. I grab onto it, and- ho~h, yo…!

The door shakes up and down, my arm yanked along for a wild ride.

After a moment, I let go, backing away from it. "That's a, uh… quite a door you have there."

"Bam, bam!" Oven speak…!

"It thanked you." Sakuya nodded, looking only very subtly smug about the ordeal.

...How do _you_ know morse? Freakin', don't even wanna know, yo…

"Mauuu~..." Ha-chan is awake!

Bending down, I almost pick up the box before I reconsider, because it probably reeks of- oh, yeah, oof. Probably smells of a little more than just blood, now…! Ech.

Ha-chan does some little stretches as she gets up from the floor. "A-aa~hn…"

"Ba-babam!" The oven performed communication.

Sakuya turned to it. "Her name is Hana. She's a maid, here."

"Clang!" Its door dropped open.

Sakuya waited a moment to translate. "...It says she's cute."

The attention of Ha-chan is grasped! "What says I'm cute?"

Sakuya points at the oven. "...That."

…

Ha-chan gets close to me, and speak-whispers. "I think Saku-chan was hit on the head a little…"

"Bam clang! Bam clang! Bam clang!" The oven door swung fully open and closed repeatedly.

"Hwah!?" Ha-chan slightly flinched back! "...It's still alive!"

Whaddaya mean 'still'!?

...Also, wow, this dining room is blown up. The walls look like scrunched tin foil, adorned with water damage and char marks.

"You said this," Sakuya gestures to the stove and the room, "was not caused by you. Who might it have been, then?"

"A guy in a funny mask." I decide. Not lettin' Matt step on my repumatation here! "His name was Oswald." The giant friendly octopus.

"...I see." Slouching slightly, she sighs. "I will return."

She was gone in a blink.

…

A~nd she's back! "I could not locate him." Sakuya was frowning, her mood probably a one-eighty of what it was before. "I will inform the Mistress of his transgressions." ...Geez, she was _really_ frowning.

I tilt my head. "You look pissed."

"You'd be right." Stiffly, she proceeds towards the exit. "I would recommend you leave the mansion immediately. Mistress will be in a most foul mood from my latest discoveries."

Oh, hey! An excuse to take off with the head! Don't mind if I do, yo…

...But first, "Do ya got any health potions? 'Cause I'm like, dead."

"I-I'm all so~re…" Ha-chan whined, holding her arms out to examine them. "I hate it…"

Sakuya returned, and suddenly health potions were in both of our arms.

"Take them and go."

With that, Sakuya was gone. Yeesh. Guess she really had to go, yo...

…

"Bam, bam, bam!" Uh oh. I don't know what easy bake over there's sayin' now!

...I shrug at it. "I don't understand your words, friend. I dunno _morse_."

"Clank! Clank! Cla~ng!" Friend, please, stop slowly scooting towards me…!

Ha-chan tilted her head back, downing her potion. "Mmgh…"

...This oven's freakin' cuddly, yo. There's something adorable about slowly scooting.

With a sour face, Ha-chan moves over to me, and plucks my potion from my hands.

"Hey, yo." I need that, friend.

Pulling the cap off, Ha-chan inserts it into my mouth for me. Oh, well then…

...This stuff still tastes like cough medicine. E~ugh…

"Let's go, Brad." Ha-chan… actually beckons me to move forward!? "Oven-chan will be here when we get back. I don't wanna be here when Saku-chan starts killing everyone."

...I'm surprised you've not gotten executed for dropping her 'chief' title by now. Maybe she's just waitin' fer ya to say it to her face… which you will eventually.

I move to follow Ha-chan out, giving the oven a wave as I do so. Just, yeah. Wave at the oven.

...Oh, shit, that box! I need that box, yo! Slippin' out the actor's gloves, I half-assedly throw them on and pick up the head box and begin power walking after Ha-chan.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The hallways were eerily complacent. Right after we left the dining room, we were stuck in a linear hall with one door at the end. There were four vases on freakin' end tables at each corner, too.

Ha-chan opens the door for me, 'cause my hands are full, a~nd…

We come out of the wall on the foyer's overhang. As I swing the door shut with my leg, I notice, uh… it's not a door, it's just wallpaper.

Click. The wall panel slides into place-

Shi~ng! The torn wallpaper fades back to normal, a glimmer of light running up the vague square of wall. Freakin' sorcery.

We raced down the foyer stairs, and out the front door. Some fairies watched us go, not entirely fazed by our hurry.

Ha-chan threw her limbs at the gate! "Gatekeeper-cha~n! Let us out!"

...Meiling leans out from behind the wall, looking at us. "It's Meiling." With that, she leans back into her resting posture.

I kick the gate. "If you don't open this gate, friend, I will make sweet love to it, and you will be forced to watch."

...Reluctantly, Meiling broke from the wall. "I was just getting comfy, too."

She pushed the gate open a margin, allowing Ha-chan and myself to get outside.

"...I had a feeling you were here because of our recent 'guests'." Meiling looked down at the box.

Yeah, guests. "I know you mean freakin' broken torture victims, yo. And before you ask," Holdin' up a finger, I make my intent known! "I am reclaiming this head to avenge the beheaded."

"And what about the masked guy?" Meiling assumed I knew him, too. She assumed right!

"He was here to skullfuck it." I nod enthusiastically.

...Meiling grins, shaking her head. "Sure. Well, don't let me stop you, then."

Ha-chan slowly steps up to her, and gets close. "Shh~. The bricks have _ears_."

...This causes both me and Meiling to raise a brow. "What?" Meiling blinks.

Bringing her hands up, Ha-chan wiggles her ears repeatedly as she jogs away.

...I turn to Meiling. "Probably has to do with how Sakuya is insane pissed or something."

She double took. "She's _what?_ "

"Bye, friend!" I begin jogging off after Ha-chan!

Meiling jogs with me… and has an easy time of it, too. Freakin' Dragonborn. "What do you mean, she's pissed?"

"Somethin' about masked dude!" I inform her. "I dunno either."

With that, Meiling stops jogging along with me. "Ah. Figures…"

Honh.

…

Ha-chan and I end up like, around half of the lake when I notice the commotion going on at the other half.

A ton of vehicle-lookin' things are parked on the grass, with vaguely stout-but-not-really people with hair of every freakin' color on the color wheel. They seem to be loading the adamantite cylinders onto each other's trucks and stuff. Considering how weird those trucks look, I'm thinkin' these guys are kappa…

...On the other shore, they collectively open fire on something, the cartoonish sounds of laser blasters filling the air. One of the kappa launched him or herself into the air with the recoil of something, apparently. I can't make out much about their appearance from here…

The dude who launched himself ended up in the middle of the lake, only to resurface next to the shore seconds later. Jesus, they're bullet swimmers. The dude's got _boots_ on, too! I think!

"What's going on over there…?" Ha-chan was interested.

I was, but I was not about to admit that. "Guns and violence." I'd rather not take a look-see to find out whether or not they're fans of the whole 'shoot on sight' philosophy.

Oh, yeah, whatever they were shooting, it died or gave up in under five seconds, 'cause that's how long their squibble squabble lasted.

...Let's just not go there!

"Oh, hello there."

Who?

...Lookin' up and around, I eventually see Alice drift out from some trees.

"...What're _you_ doin' here?" I point at her.

"I could ask the same of you." She retorts, looking at the kappa commotion in the distance. "If you must know, I'm here to see what this fuss is all about."

Oh, yeah. "...Those cylinder things ya see there?"

Alice beckons me to go on. "Yes?"

"They're adamantite." I finish.

…

Wordlessly, Alice suddenly erects a fleet of dolls around herself, and takes off in the direction of the kappa. I think I just sparked a war.

Sadly, I am unfit to participate in the great adamantite battle of whatever-Gensokyian-year-this-is. I dunno how I'd even hold onto a freakin' smart car sized cylinder of adamantite.

...From here, I see Alice's dolls rain down danmaku on the kappa, and they return fire with their freakin' heavy armaments. Wait- do they have _sentries_ too!? Yeah- no.

"Let's go, yo…" I usher Ha-chan along before she is too distracted by the pretty lights!

"But…" She pouts. "They're coo~l!"

I know, yo, but this head-in-a-box situation…! I'd like to get this thing outta my hands as soon as freakin' possible!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I want to _strangulate_ this guard. I have had it up to like… _here_ with guards! I can't even emphasize how high that is because my hands are full, but lemme tell ya, if I could, and if I could fly, it'd be _freakin'_ high!

"What's in the box, buddy?" He glares at me. "We don't need no more mouse youkai in here, hermit scum."

I don't even want to know. "Alright, look. There's a youkai head in this box. Look-"

"The hell!?" His eyes widen. "Yo-you look like a girl… but you sound like a _guy!_ "

"Look, look, look…" I stick a hand up from under the box. "Look." ...And the~n, I take a deep breath. "I had to dress up, go undercover super spy style, fucking grow tits and cut them off in the _same day_ , and then shank and behead this stupid... broad." Lookin' peeved, I hold up the box. "My party got _wiped_ , son. I don't _need this,_ son!"

"...Al-alright, relax, guy." Turning around, guard number two million billion operates the gate for me. "Go on in."

I watch it slowly raise. " _Thank you._ " Seriously. I was not looking forward to just annihilating another stupid dude with iron armor and a chincy made-in-the-human-village tinfoil sword.

Glancing to the side, I see Ha-chan glide up the wall, and right over it, quickly slipping in while this guard's back was turned. Here's to hoping the people mounted on the wall itself don't give two shits.

A~nd… we're in the village! It's like, pretty much sunset, now, but we're here! I'm alive, Ha-chan's alive, and by some freakin' miracle, I am back with the quest item!

Energetically power walking down the road, I turn to Ha-chan as she catches up with me from the side. "Yo ho ho! We are in like flynn!"

Ha-chan hops! "Ya~y! We did it! We…" She looked at the box. "...Why did we do this again?"

"Money." I inform her. "'Cause we need it to buy some life-insurance-in-a-bottle."

...Ha-chan's smile becomes a little more toned down. "Cool!"

I still gotta have that heart-to-heart with her about the shit that went down in them woods back there. I dunno if it's too late or not, but y'know what? Screw the delicacies of social interaction! All ya gotta do is deliver a metaphorical _barbaric blow_ , yo!

Coming into the village square, I make my way towards the job board where the guard is stationed…

"Hey." I greet the dude.

The guy folds his arms. "If it's gifts, we don't take 'em, youkai."

Yeah, yeah. "It's a head in a box. Doppelganger by the mansion walls."

He jerks his head back. "...Well, open it, then."

Sure. Lemme just-...

…

Oh, there's a table at the side to the right. I take it over to the table, a~nd… the box is only intricate folded and not actually taped shut or anything. Sakuya's some kind of wizard.

Inside, I- oo~h, shit that's _rank_.

Scrunchin' my face, I bring the box over to mister man over here…

...He looks down into the box. "O-oh, geez…" He plugs his nose! "Well…" His voice is all nasally now…! "This looks like her, alright. Good work."

Reaching out, he takes the box and puts it on some table behind the job board. Then, he begins to move for the large wooden crate that seemed to be mounted to the floor behind himself. "Don't know how you youkai can even consider turning on each other, but whatever. Nobody knows how you things work."

Son, it's not that hard.

Using a key, he unlocks the crate and pulls out the correct amount of money. I don't think I even ever knew how much this quest actually offered…

"Seventy-five thousand yen." The guard nodded, handing me a bag. "Here you go."

...Ooh. Ho ho! Ho ho ho! _Load'sa_ money!

I nod at him, grinning widely. "You have saved my justice and my culture."

...After a moment, he nodded back. "Alright."

...That response puzzles me!

Well, with that done… I think I will go stock up on restoration items! Like… right now! "C'mon, Ha-chan baby! We're gonna drown ourselves in healing tonics tonight!"

She blinks. "But they taste bad…"

Well… yeah. They taste like crimes against nature, but that's probably because that's what they are. Healing stuff is freakin' weird.

We run off into the village's dusk, lookin' for that Kirisame shop…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Di-di~ng! The little bell to the shop chimed open as I walked in!

Ol' man Kirisame looked up at me as I walked in. "Oh, he~y aren't you a…" He trails off, looking at my face and furrowing his brows.

Low voice time! "It's me, Dennis."

He snorts. "...Alright, well now I'm curious. Who in hell are you?"

I raise the wig. "Poofy hair! I'm here to buy potions!"

He tilts his head back. "Aa~h, you! So, you crossdressing for fun?"

Yep! "Yeah, yo."

…

"You still gotta pay me back for that last potion or two I fed ya." He smiled. "Or three. Or four."

"One, son." I shake my finger.

"Two." He looks resolute, yo!

"...One and a half." Get owned, noob. We're dealing with _decimals_ , now.

"One and five sevenths." He tilts his head, looking focused.

...How does that work? "What number even is that?"

His face perks up, and he reaches down under his desk. "Well, you see, I've actually got this really nifty calculations device that I bought down at that Kourindou store the other day. I've found a few others in my youth, but they were mostly broken or on their way out."

He comes back up with a really basic-looking calculator from the outside. Ho ho!

"Yakumo said she'd sell me one, but it'd cost an arm and a leg." He shakes his head. "Lemme tell ya: don't make deals with her. She always wins."

I figured!

"You have to do the math." He drops the calculator before me.

I pick it up. "Okay, I _will._ "

…

I really don't wanna do math so I'll just press random buttons and guesstimate. But first…! "How much is a freakin' potion here anyway?"

"Five hundred yen a health potion." He declares. "One thousand per mana potion."

Jesus. Weren't mana potions the same price as health potions awhile ago?

...One and five sevenths. That's be li~ke… eight hundred yen or something. Eight hundred fifty yen. I'm just totally guessing that by dividing an imaginary second five hundred.

"'Bout eight hundred fifty." I declare.

"Good enough." He just seems happy to take any vague amount.

Time to dig through my coin bag! I pull my coin bag from my bag bag, and look inside…

"Got enough bags?" Kirisame jeers.

"Never enough yo." I shake my head.

"I sell basic sacks for one thousand yen a pop." He plugs his wares!

Son. "My sack knows no bounds."

He smiles widely. "'Specially considering you're dressed like a ice chick."

... _Son_.

Alright, I got my eight hundred fifty yen. I set it down on the counter- and don't ask how I know it's eight hundred fifty yen, everyone who's dropped into Gensokyo just _does_. Like- know how to handle Yen in coin format, I mean.

...It's either that, or we spend a quarter of a chapter teaching me how Japanese currency works! Especially in the freakin' _samurai era!_

Kirisame snatches the coins quickly, dumping them somewhere under the counter in one quick motion. The time before cash registers… "Alright. You said ya wanted health potions?"

I nod. "That'd be fun, yo."

He begins to move. "I got some in an aisle over here. Come this way…"

It only takes a couple seconds for him to direct me to the potions aisle… and holy shit there's a lotta potion types. Ha-chan's in an adjacent aisle, looking at freakin'... junk. I don't even know what the aisle next to this one _is_.

"So, here…" He points at the red potion on the wall. "That there's a regular, five hundred yen potion."

Woo!

He points at the next one, a bluish-green one next to it. "This here's a Hi-Potion. It's some relatively new bullsh- I mean… _magic_. Yakumo just dropped them on my porch one day, and let me experiment. Apparently they're some kind of instant heal, and they work damn well too. Only kicker is that no one's got any idea what's in 'em except her. I'm pricing them at three thousand yen."

Three thousand. Geez…

"The last one's a Mega Potion." Kirisame smiles, looking pleased at this one. "Took me a long time to finish, but they've been selling well, so far, even if most of my customers weren't youkai hunters or humans."

Duly noted: youkai are carrying Mega Potions around for no good reason. Oh, yeah, the thing also was like, neon red and had hints of neon green in it.

He continues, "Basically, it has the same effects as a normal potion, but it applies to everyone you wanna heal and yourself. It takes about ten times the resources of a normal potion, so~... I'm pricing it at six thousand yen." Looking smug, he sticks his hands in his pockets. "Kinda a steal."

Not for me it isn't! Not when I don't have a party with me ninety percent of the time anyway!

"...Same goes for mana potions," he lazily waves his arms at the mana potions, which are a rack below. "Regular one restores some. Hi-Ethers restore more. Mega Ethers basically copy the magic structure of Mega Potions. Priced at one thousand, four thousand, and eight thousand yen respectively."

Life as a mage is rough, apparently.

"...Don't even get me _started_ on the elixirs." Grinning widely, Kirisame shakes his head. "Standard's twenty thousand yen. Mega Elixir is one hundred thousand."

People aren't walking banks, _son_.

…

"Alright, yo…" It is now time to consider my options. "I think I'll take a moment to browse, yo…"

Kirisame smiles, and gives a nod. "Take your time."

...Ha-chan rapidly takes smalls steps from the aisle she was in towards me. "Brad-kun! Can we buy this- please please plea~se…!?"

...That's a _gohei_. With like… a Christmas ribbon on it. What are you going to do with that!?

Looking back at the potions, I bring a hand to my chin. I've always been terribly indecisive in stores… but I'm sure no one will mind if I took like thirty minutes considering the most sensible purchase. It's like, sundown anyway.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 50

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY:

Youkai Inconveniencer - Semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but isn't particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Slight damage vulnerability when used, which has worn over time. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger's gained the ability to deal electrical and holy damage. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy...

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out what they are…

Toasty Yuki-onna Kimono - Best winter clothing twenty fifteen. Fifty percent ice and freezing resistance, but _negative_ fifty percent fire and burning resistance!

Seventy-five Thousand Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have! I should do this for potions, too...

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I _really_ have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

Hana, the Electric Elemental Stalker Maid - She's friendly, dude. She's getting better at using thunder magic, too! Cyan hair and eyes, likes to be fluffy, so on and so forth. I don't got a whole lot ta add about her… Oh, yeah, she's weak to earth magic, I think.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Sometimes can cast a slightly stronger lightning bolt… but it still can't fry people!

INVENTORY:

Probably some rocks - Yeah.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

this was a fun chapter to write!

it took awhile 'cause i've been taking it easy a bit after finishing GENSOKYOBOUND, and also getting BODIED by college a bit so there's that

once my stress levels even out things should be good!

not so much humor this chapter i think… but i think i've forgot what standard i'm even holding myself to here XD

well there's a good portion of humor but nothing more than feel-good kinda stuff… i blame the DISEMBODIED HEAD of that doppelganger

also, matt stuck around a little bit! to make a MANSTER

the proofreader who is him wanted him to stick around and do damage control but i was like "dude remi knows both identities are the same dude and there's no way in hell she wouldn't tell sakuya, and all things considered they both wanna lop your dick off for what you did in the cellar, which sakuya knows from a brief jaunt"

that and sakuya was just around way too much for matt to fill in that i was the one wearing the mask or anything similar, even if he could get away with blaming the FOOD ABOMINATION on me

honh… so yeah he got out of there after that (but i'm not supposed to just tell you here!)

as always, see you all next time!


	63. Tale of the Bamboo Nuker

(in which have a tragic marching band accident)

Alright…

Five thousand yen's goin' into ten regular potions. I don't necessarily need any of that other garbage.

Two thousand yen's goin' into four basic mana potions. Now I can spams spells like an asshole!

Sixty-eight thousand yen remains…! Actually, not even.

I'm not gettin' any elixirs, because that'd be a complete freakin' waste because of how squishy I already am. They'd be more useful if I was like, Yuuka. Mega potions'd also be a waste, 'cause usually my friends never need heals. As fun as they'd be, budget is tight!

I bring the stuff to the counter, and Ha-chan brings a little pink wand thing she found to the counter.

Kirisame looks over the goods. "That'll be~... eight thousand yen."

"...That wand's one thousand yen?" That's like, ten bucks.

Smirking, Kirisame nods. "It's a toy."

Oo~h. Well, I can toss one grand at Ha-chan, sure.

I use my bag fulla _loads'a money_ to cough up the dough. Smiling widely, Kirisame nods. "The stuff's all yours."

Alright! To confirm, now I've got: sixty-five thousand, two hundred yen. Also, ten lesser health potions and four mana potions.

"Thanks for the _hard drugs_ , yo." I place all the stuff into my bag of nuggets, and begin heading for the door.

"As long as you bring money!" Kirisame makes his priorities known!

"I'll try!" With that, I leave the store, Ha-chan following behind me.

...Ah, shit, it's dark out.

Ha-chan waved her wand-

Fwoosh. A soft, pink light floated outward, and rested on the front of a house ahead, like a little flare.

...That has more mileage than most toys!

"Ooo!" Ha-chan gushed at it. "Pretty!"

Ho ho. If Ha-chan drops that on death, I'm hangin' onto it myself. Portable flare stick is actually incredibly freakin' useful, even if I've already got a flashlight hanger.

...Now I gotta think of something to do with my many potions and newfound small fortune.

Suddenly, lights flash outward from the center of the human village! It's not danmaku, either; it's like those hollywood search lights that go into the sky just because fuck the sky.

Ha-chan flings her flare stick, and another soft pink light is flung. This time it soared into the sky above, before fizzling out.

"...Awh." She tilted her head. "I wanted to compete with the big light."

"It's tubby." I begin moving in the direction of whatever's goin' down over there.

As I near, there's some kinda thing in the middle of the village square…

Four pillars of scaffolding sit evenly spaced in the midst of the village square. It seems two large platforms of wood were also being positioned at each, parallel to one another. Materials sat at the edges of the square, and the stalls seemed to be pushed as far out of the way as they were able. The stalls that weren't like fixed in place, that is.

A large banner-like sign with musical instruments was being floated onto the two leftmost scaffold towers. Each scaffold tower was like, the height of a house and a half.

Speakin' of that banner, the people helping it telekinetically float were these two girls, one with short lilac hair and one with short brown hair.

The bottom wooden platform was being secured by the Prismrivers!

"Focus, Lyrica." Lunasa spoke, holding her hands out as she focused on the entire back of the platform.

Lyrica was focusing on the forward-left. "I _am_ focusing! It's just that Merlin won't stop-"

Bwoo~! A trumpet that was slowly creeping up on Lyrica blared in her ear.

"That's _it!_ " Lyrica held her keyboard like a sword and began flying towards her sister. "I'm gonna shove that horn into your ear and see how _you_ like it!"

"Wahaha~!" Merlin took off from her position at the forward-right of the platform, drifting away quickly.

"Sisters!" Lunasa called after them, sighing once they got far enough away. "Darn it…"

Looking tired, she drifted after the two sisters who had took off into the village's streets.

…

I'm kinda curious how the hell this was all set up in the like, forty minutes I was in Kirisame's store. I turn, and-...

Oh, hey! The job board guard is still here! He looks creeped out as fuck, but he's still here!

Before I could go ask him twenty questions, that floating lilac-haired girl spoke up. "...They're so immature."

"I suppose." The brown-haired girl agreed. "That reminds me… have you seen Raiko yet?"

"Only when you last saw her." ...Glaring into the musical note adorned banner, the lilac-haired girl spoke out again. "She _knew_ setup was tonight! What could she possibly be _doing!?_ "

...Slowly, an oversized drum crept up from the dark of the alleys beside the square, bobbing in the air lightly as it made it's way up to the girl's side as she stared at her friend.

The brown-haired girl took notice, and tried to inform her friend. "Hey- uhm, sis…"

"No, no, I'm not calming down!" The lilac-haired sister folded her arms. "This is stupid! What did we sell all those tickets for if she was just- just-"

Boom! The drum blared next to her.

"Waaa~h!?" She flinched so hard she flew across the entire banner, next to her brown-haired sister.

Raiko drifted out from behind the drum. "Surpri~se! I'm on time!"

...Summoning a guitar thing, the lilac-haired girl grit her teeth. "You- no! You aren't!"

"I'm on time to boogie!" Playfully, Raiko drifts side to side.

"More like time to _be quiet!_ " Having had enough, the lilac-haired girl rocketed towards the drummer, only for the latter to lean back onto her drum. Flopping over onto it, it tilted back and began to drift away with her on it.

"Benben!" The brown-haired girl called out. Thank frik, I was getting tired of calling at least one'a them 'color-haired individual'. "Sisters!"

Benben and Raiko sailed into the sky.

...The remaining girl sighed, moving to follow them. The banner seemed to be secure, at least, so that didn't get dropped.

…

"Creeps." The guard shook his head, leaning against the job board. "Such a stupid act. What are they trying to prove?"

Alright, now you've gone and done it, son. "What're _you_ trying to prove, yo?"

He scoffed. "Nothing. I'm just saying, the way they act human is… disgusting."

You're right, that _is_ nothing! "What, you'd rather they freakin' bite your dick off?"

Furrowing his brows, he turns to me. "Honestly? Yes! At least I don't have to guess when they'll backstab us!"

...I make an 'o' shape with my mouth. "Well, son, if that's _really_ what you're into…"

"And what of you, yuki-onna?" The guard begins marching towards me. "If you're here to heckle us, I ask that you leave. If you don't, I have every right to strike you down here and now."

I hold out my hands. "Now, look buddy, I'm-..." ...Yeah, just stopping to think up a good lie. Or just to let the awkward silence sink in. Or maybe I'm just drawing a blank…!

"A despicable yuki-onna." The guard draws his sword. "An ugly one, too."

Alright that's the straw that done did snapped the camel in half!

...And I have mana potions, now! Time to spam shit and waste half of my reserves!

Pulling out Deep Blue, I point it at him. "If you threaten me, I shall become more powerful than you could ever imagine!"

He snorts. "If you showed your full power here, you'd have the entire guard after your head. You'd never be able to come here again!"

...Well, not unless I put on a different wig… or had Alice make me an edgy cloak to hide myself. No one usually questions the dude in the obviously evil black overcoat. Shit's weird like that.

Channeling my mana into it, I slam Deep Blue into the floor-

Fwuu~sh! A small geyser erupted from under the guard!

"Wo-woaa~h!?" He let go of his sword in his panic! "Wa-water!?"

"Wahaha!" Slamming Deep Blue into the floor again as my geyser died down, I-

Fwuu~sh! It's a _double attack_ , son!

"Ah-aah!" The guard was stopped from hitting the floor, propelled into the air again, this time a bit higher. "Wh-what…!?"

Nope, nope, it's a _triple threat_ , son! Barely even lifting Deep Blue from the floor, I poke it in again and summon another geyser-

Fwuu~sh! The guard's back actually hits the floor before the geyser launches him. "Gua~h!?"

...Standing up, I let out a huff, feeling somewhat drained from spamming. Feels good to actually not conserve my anything!

Thud. "Gukh…" The guard lands on the floor, soaked and shivering. "...Da-damn…it-it…"

...Wow. Us humans are weak! I don't think I'd even be beat up that badly from getting repeatedly juggled by a geyser. Then again, it _is_ cold, and this dude's wearing some loose metal armor. They're these metal pad things on his arms, legs, and torso. Probably didn't help with the impacts…!

I can also jump twice, which is yeah. Screw fall damage!

...If I jumped off of Heaven, would I be able to double jump at the last second and totally give gravity the middle finger? I think the better question is if I should be thinking about that right now!

Ha-chan swung her pink wand thing, and the pink light flare landed on the guard's stomach, illuminating him.

"Pfft…" I chuckle. Freakin'... guard.

Bwoo~!

 _Holy shit!_

Flinching wildly, I turn to see a trumpet hovering before me. Freaking…

"Hehehe~!" Merlin giggles with glee. "Hello, hello! You made it!"

Yeah, and apparently your sense 'a humor did too… "I did, yo. I even brought a friendly friend."

Ha-chan swung the wand at her. The soft pink light just goes through Merlin, landing on the scaffold tower behind her.

"Awh." She gingerly stared at Merlin after her projectile missed.

Lyrica floated out from around the scaffold pillar, dryly looking over at us. "...Merlin, who did you piss off now?"

"It's that guy!" Merlin pointed at me.

Lyrica furrowed her brows. "That's not funny." Looking over at me, she had a sympathetic expression. "I'm sorry about my sister insulting you like that- you're actually pretty. She just doesn't know when to stop sometimes…"

Aw, son. I lift my wig and talk stupid deep! "Thanks, sis. I owe ya one."

…

Lyrica holds her keyboard up like a sword again. "Come here. I'm gonna give you plastic surgery."

Ho ho ho!

Lunasa drifts over to us, _through_ the scaffold pillar. "...Finally, I've caught up with you two."

I'm forced to step back as Lyrica casually swings her keyboard at me, giving me ample time to get away from it.

"Lyrica!" Lunasa objects! "What are you doing to her!?"

Flinching from her sister's wrath, she turns. "He-hey, wait! She's not a she!"

Lunasa just gets more upset. "Lyrica! That's-...!"

I lift my wig, again. "This joke is getting old." I'm just gonna let the other instrument ladies think I'm some ugly chick.

…

Lunasa sighs. "You're wearing yuki-onna robes now, for some strange reason. Might I ask why?"

I shrug. "It's toasty."

"...Ah." She nods her head, turning back to the scaffold and stage stuff behind herself. "Well, we're setting up for a battle of the bands festival."

Ooo! "She with the best headbands wins!" Wahaha!

Lyrica's expression was deadpan. "...That was probably the _only_ way to interpret that the wrong way."

"Waistbands." I grin at her.

Lyrica playfully swings the keyboard wide at me, forcing me to duck. "Ho hoh…!"

"Tonight we're just setting up." Floating towards the center of the square, Lunasa looks away from me. "If you want to watch, you'll have to come back tomorrow night. Unless you wanna watch us move materials around."

Aw, dude…! "Can I watch the paint dry?"

Lyrica begins drifting towards the floor they were supposed to position, shaking her head.

"If we used paint, you could!" Merlin begins moving to aid her sister, but stops on a dime before she gets too far. "He~y, actually…!"

Turning to me, she grins widely. "You should join the contest!"

Lyrica looks over with disdain. "No. We don't need anymore trash entries."

Merlin jerked her head back. "But… we let those dust people join."

"Because they wouldn't stop asking." Lyrica huffed.

"...It'd be fine if he joined, if he actually had a band." Woo, Lunasa!

"Wha~?" Lyrica looked over at her sister from her position. "...Yeah, _if_ he had a band. Good luck finding one in one day."

You just gone incurred my wrath, son.

The three sisters quickly moved to their former places, securing the wood platform again…

...Suddenly, Ha-chan exclaimed! "A band!? I wanna be in a band!"

"Yo ho ho!" I cheer! "We're startin' a band, yo!" Got nothing else to do with my freakin' throwaway money!

...I look over at the sisters to see Lyrica looking at me with a wary stare. Wahaha!

Let us see, who shall be in this band…?

Idea.

Moving over to the guard as he was getting up from the floor, I lean next to him. "Yo, son! Wanna be in a band?"

"Wh-what…?" He looks up at me, eyes wide. "Ge-get away from me…!"

If only I had a way to take him captive and drag him along… but the moral obstacles would be a bit much. Oh, well. I'll find some other random hobo to be my band mate.

"Come along, friend!" I beckon Ha-chan to follow me. "We must search for bandmates as fast as possible!"

...Actually.

I look over at the ghosties. "When's the deadline!?"

"Tomorrow afternoon!" Lyrica shouts back at me.

Sweet. It is time to start looking!

Eagerly, I bound off into the freakin' darkness of the evening.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I dunno where I'm going. I'm still in the village, but I have no idea where to check for friends first.

…

Ho~h, shit! Blunt object from above!

I step out of the way as a huge drum just drops out of the sky, and-

Thoo~m. Bouncing only slightly, it slowly rolls forward after its impact, landing on its huge rim. I guess the other set of instrument people are having fun. I'm not sure if they're touhous or just generic instrument people, to be honest. Except for Raiko, she seems like unique girl material.

...I hear a knocking sound to my right.

"A-ahem…" A girl clears her throat. She's got a cloak on, but u~h… that tower hat of hers makes her stick out like a sore thumb.

The door swings open. "...Wha~t?" It's some tired-looking dude.

"Pardon my late intrusion…" Mononobe no Fluffy Hair talks quietly, "but mayhaps I sate thy fascination with Taoism?"

…

The door slams shut in her face.

She sighs. "...Eighth ungrateful whelp."

I move towards her. When she turns and sees me, she jerks her head back, before glaring at me. "Ba-back! Back, youkai! I am a missionary on a mission!"

Holding a hand out, I make a motion for her to quiet down. "Shhh~! Look- look!" I raise my wig! "I'm not a youkai, yo. I'm a- I'm a _double agent_."

She jerks her head back. "...Oh?"

"Yeah yo." Nodding casually, I turn to Ha-chan. "She's my asskicker extraordinaire."

Ha-chan flings her toy wand, and the soft pink flare whirls into Futo's face and rests there.

"A-ah…!" She stumbles back, swinging her sleeve-covered arms at the light. "Wh-what trickery is this!?"

"...Light magic." I deadpan. "It's holy."

"O-oh…" She calms down a little. "How so?"

"It gives you the ability to nuzzle fluffles." Now I feel warm inside, yo…

...Futo frowns. "I'd have an able mind to strike thee down now weren't thou human. Be grateful I restrain myself in good faith."

Honh. Whelp, nothin' better than being blunt about it. "Hey, Futo, can I ask you a question?"

She tilts her head. "Speak. If it is to fornicate, I must politely decline, for I am to save myself for a lover worthy."

What. No. "...I was just gonna ask if ya wanted to be in a band, fluffy."

...She blinked. "Oh? Thou meanst for the band festival soon?"

Yeah, yo! "Yea~h! How about it? We'll have me, and fluffy here," I gesture to Ha-chan, who smiles wider, "and we'll get our hands on some other hobos if we need them."

"...This sounds all well and good, but…" Futo looks unsure. "What, by chance, may await me in this endeavor?"

"There's probably a cash prize if we win." I tell her straight. I dunno myself, but there's _probably_ some kind of prize for winning. Who the hell starts a contest without a prize?

"Oh. Well, count me in." Futo smiles, moving alongside Ha-chan. "Our faith could always use more fortune… and I mayhap be in dire need of spending money. Not that I am in a financially compromising situation, mind thee! I'm simply without… _luxury_ luxury money."

Yeah, yeah. "You need money to throw at food stands and freakin' knicknack stores."

She nods, taking on a neutral expression. "Precisely. Thou art wiser than thou appear."

Gee thanks.

"Lead the way. This is thy operation." Futo instructed me. "I will follow thee temporarily. Just to make certain thou go through with this."

Honh. "Sure, friend."

"Fr-friend…?" Futo jerks her head back. "If thou believes it so. We're hardly acquainted."

You're too fluffy to not be friendly. Aside from being totally freakin' evil to youkai- but hey, who am I to judge, yo? I lost that privilege when I accidentally got a kill assist!

…

Finding Futo wandering the street was total luck. Time to go knocking on doors!

Moving up to a house across the street from the one Futo tried to advertise Taoism to, I knock.

Knock knock!

…

The door swings open, and a brown-haired girl looking out. "Hey. What's up?"

"Wanna join a band?" I grin at her. "Winner gets cash prizes!"

…

The door slams in my face. Wha~t!? Who the fuck would just decline a band with a fairy, a shemale yuki-onna, and a freakin'... holy person!?

"Seemst thou has not been observant." Futo slouches. "Worry not, however. My luck has been akin."

Don't worry, fluffy hair. I am persistent!

I knock again!

…

The door opens. This time, the girl has a bow aimed at me. "I'm not interested!"

"Woa~h!" I put my arms up! "Okay, okay!"

…

She lowers the bow and quickly slams the door.

"Do not harass." Futo chides me. "It only hurts our cause."

"How was I supposed to know she'd be packin' heat?" I grin at her. "Like, yo…"

"All sensible villagers do it. Thy speech implicates your unfamiliarity here…" She narrows her brows.

Freakin'... "I'm an _outsidey_ man! Whaddaya want from me!?"

…

"Those robes?" She inquires.

...I look down at my kimono. "Well, if you _want_ …" I begin sliding off the shoulder bits-

"No!" She glares at me. "If thou art human, why dost thou don the apparel of a youkai!?"

"I had 'em _made_. They're toasty, too. Like- here, feel 'em." I hold out my arm for Futo to feel.

...She holds her arm out to touch it, working to free her hand from the oversized sleeve of her inconspicuous cloak. Once her hand begins rubbing the fabric of my kimono, she sees what I see! "...Oh, that's actually… huh." Nodding appreciatively, she smiles. "I would not mind procuring one myself."

I could actually arrange that, I think. Anyway…!

As we move for the next house, Ha-chan makes conversation.

"I like your hat…" Ha-chan gets close to her, slowly invading her personal space.

...Futo frowns. "What of her? She's human too, is she not?"

Oh, no. I shake my head. "Nope."

…

"Wh-wha~t!?" Futo flips out! "Wh-what is she, then!?"

"A fairy." I reveal. "Y'see the wings?"

...Futo relaxes. "Oh. Well… right. Harmless enough, I suppose. Killing them is always a waste of energy, anyway."

Knock knock! We are at… house number two!

"I tried this house." Futo reveals. "There were naught an answ- eh, hey!" Some of her hair splays out across her head after Ha-chan removes her hat. "Hey, hey! Scoundrel! Return it at once!" Interestingly, her hair is mostly not different without her hat. Huh.

Ha-chan hugs it. "No! It's _cute!_ "

"Wha-..." Futo pauses. "It-it's cute?"

"Mmm!" Nodding her whole upper torso, Ha-chan nuzzles the hat. "It's small…"

...Futo looks conflicted!

I knock again!

…

"Ma-may I have my hat back?" Futo requests meekly.

"Nn-nn!" Ha-chan shakes her entire torso, still nuzzling the hat.

Is no one home? I knock-

"Is there _no escape!?_ " A man yells from the inside! "Gangster assassins! Sent out for hire to _undetectably exterminate,_ _me!_ "

...Oh.

The door creaks, and a block off the top folds inward, a pair of eyes peering out at me. "How and _who_ am I to know, who you, in this deadly gangster police state, _are_ , and _in_ this communist _youkai_ world!?"

What.

...Speakin' of deadly gangster magic… "Da~h, Mike sent me." I'm _guessing_ he knows Mike…? I heard him talk about gangster magic before.

…

The door swings open. "Oh, thank the stars! I had thought he was removed by the master race Frankenstein radio controls! _Visible_ Frankenstein controls!"

Futo looked over at him, brows furrowed. "...Art thou well?"

The man had a messy, short haircut atop his head, and a curiously even shaven beard. "In nineteen sixty-five, human village gangster police beat me bloody, dragged me in chains from the magic forest! Since then, I _hide_ , in _forced_ , jobless poverty! Isolated _alone!_ In this low, deadly youkaitown old house!"

...Oh. Oh ho ho.

"The brazen, _deadly_ gangster police and youkai _puppet_ underlings spray me with _poison nerve gas_ from _magic_ perfume exhausts and even _wheeled wagons!_ " Flailing his arms, he stumbled back inside, his eyes slowly widening as he went on. "Deadly assaults! Even in my _yard!_ With knives, even bricks and stones! Even _deadly touch_ cloth, or electric shock 'flash light'! Even remote _electronically_ controlled around corners trajection, of _deadly touch tarantula spiders!_ "

...I look over at Futo, whose brows were twitching in some kind of bafflement, her mouth ajar.

The man grinned widely. "Even with _trained parroting puppet assassins_ in maximum security _insanity_ prison- for saying these unforgivable _truthful_ speeches- until my undetectable extermination, I, Francis E. Dec, Esquire, thirty-nine East Village Road, I stand _alone,_ against your mad, deadly, world-wide conspiratorial gangster _youkai computer god communism_ -!"

Reaching in, I slam the door.

…

"Uh~m…" Futo fidgeted uncomfortably. "Oh dear."

Ha-chan giggled. "He was funny!"

Yeah, he was funny alright. Probably Mike's best friend, too. Jesus fuck.

"He may require exorcism." Futo noted. "I will just…"

Reaching into her cloak, she took out an ofuda, and slapped it onto the wall. "There. I will return with assistance at a later date."

I don't think an exorcism'll help this dude…!

"Manmade, _inside-out_ planets!" I hear him yell inside the house.

"Let's, uh, let's just go…" I usher the friends along with myself as I step away from the house…

"I wanted to hear him be funny more…" Ha-chan disagreed, but followed me anyway.

"I pity him." Futo shook her head.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Setting out into the evening, we left the human village in pursuit of the bamboo forest. I wanna get Kaguya and maybe Mokou in on this band situation, 'cause they're cool cats. I bet they've played instruments more than a few times in their freakin' thousand year long lives.

Normally I wouldn't be insane enough to walk this dark trail, but I got fluffy hair here with me.

"Be on thy greatest look out." Futo declared. "After recent events by our short-lived prodigy, youkai have taken to the dark of the village walls akin to moths on flame."

Oh no. "We're gonna die, yo. We lived a good life."

"It- it is not that gruesome!" She backtracked, getting frazzled. "Simply beware, is all!"

The field between the village and the forest seemed barren of life.

…

Well, this is hardly as bad as Futo made it out-

"We got 'em!"

"They walked right into our trap!"

"What most incompetent individuals they must be!"

Three night fairies sprung from literally fucking nowhere, materializing in the darkness around us!

"Ach!" Futo flinched back! "Night fae! We've been ambushed!"

"Oh, shit! Fairies! What will we do!?" It is now time to do _all_ the panicking! Aaaa~h, aaa~h!

At that, Futo grinned. "Worry not! I shall smite our foes!"

Plates materialized around her, and she whirled up into the air to meet the drifting fairies.

Purple, diamond-shaped bullets flew out from the fairies, before they exploded into large blasts of red bullets that rushed Futo.

"Whah!?" Futo was caught off-guard, sending all of her plates ahead of herself to deflect the bullets. "Most dishonorable!"

Weird, translucent circles began generating in the air overhead. They weren't magic circles, I think. Just… circles. They fluttered about weirdly, but as they grew, they divided into two smaller ones.

The plates whirled forward through the danmaku-

Pi-pi-pi~chun! No more night fairies, yo…

I point up at the circles. "Hey, Futo, what's that shit?"

She scowls at my language, before she glances at the circles. "O-oh!? Blast- run!"

Run!? Woah no!

And then-

FWAM

The circles explode into huge blasts of yellow and green diamond-shaped danmaku bullets. I'm forced to flop out of the way of the one quick stream aimed at me, while Ha-chan jumps like ten feet in the air. "Eee~!"

Futo- "Aghu~!"

Thud. She rolled across the grassy floor, two of the streams striking her directly. "Cu-curses…"

Freakin'... how did she take more damage than I did there? Numerous other streams of diamond-shaped bullets flowed into the air, but they weren't aimed at anything in particular and were just there to look pretty, basically.

She stands up, "Aero!" and casts an arm into the air.

Fwi-fwi-fwish! Wind shields generate around all three of us. Now _this_ is badass…!

Ha-chan floats overhead, spinning in place. "...Woah! Behind you guys!"

I turn around. What the fuck.

There's some tall asshole walking behind us, all Slenderman style. Some pure black figure with diamond-shaped, white eyes, and uh… scythe hands? Scythe hands. And by 'tall asshole' I mean the dude's nearly as thin as sticks but like nine feet tall.

Futo grimaces. "Another individual, of an unruly sort…"

Da~h, I quickly pull out Deep Blue 'cause that was what I recalled quickest at the time, and slammed it into the ground again!

Fwuuu~sh!

The scary-lookin' dude gets thrown off its feet, and propelled into the air. The air rips and tears as it flails wildly like a freakin' enraged cat, its scythe-like appendages whirling through the air.

Grinning, Futo follows up. "A chance!"

A dense burst of five plates, all bunched up, hurtle out towards the youkai-

 _Shatter!_

"Reehherr~..." What the _fuck_ kinda noise is that?

Shards of plates drop to the floor as the pointy dude gets back on its legs. Quickly, it dashes off into the darkness of the evening, only an unnatural glint of light shining from its eyes and blades as it bounds off.

...Well. "What the _fuck_ was that?" I would like to know!

"Worry not." Rapidly composing herself, Futo shook her head, smiling at me. "Merely... one of the Shinigami's toys. They seldom engage... and are lacking in... occupational skills."

Considering _I_ staggered it…!

Also, Futo was out of breath, despite her outward moxy. Honh. Might've been from getting slammed into the floor by those danmaku shots.

Fwoosh. Our wind shields run out. Freakin'... that was short lived.

"Onward!" Futo began marching forward, beckoning me to follow. Wasn't _I_ leading!?

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We stop by the fluffle stand…

"so whats it gonna be" The fluffle holds out two rocks. "huh huh"

Futo stares down at it dryly.

I'm curious…! "Yo, what do ya got for Futo here?"

The fluffle smiles widely. "here friend"

It spreads a fin across the counter, and despite it not reaching across like, ninety percent of it, various plates are revealed. I dunno whether or not plates are an even more impromptu weapon than mine…

Futo blinks. "How cheap these wares are. What is this?" She picks up a dark purple plate, which has a bunch of lilac arrows on it pointing towards the center. "It is most gaudy."

The fluffle elaborates. "gravity plates! when mana is put into them, the gravity around you changes and pulls enemies towards you! it also allows you to cast gravity"

...Futo blinks. "Hmm. What do you ask in trade?"

"twenty thousand yen" The fluffle stares into Futo's soul.

...This makes her pout. "I-I… I can afford that. But I will not purchase it."

She sets the plate back down, shutting her eyes and yelling. "Be-because I have better uses for my funds!"

Okay, friend.

The fluffle nods. "i must go friends"

Wat. "What about me?"

"im sorry but friends are here" The fluffle stand begins taking off, a tiny engine under it propelling it into the night sky. "goodbye world"

Boom! The engine explodes harmlessly before us. The stand falls to the ground and breaks, the plates now mysteriously gone, and the fluffle lying motionless on the floor before us. It's still blinking, but it's just pretending to be dead now.

"...I'm sorry?" Futo walks around the stand, gazing at the fluffle.

...Friends are coming, huh.

" _Rrooaa~hr!_ "

Boom!

The dirt path behind us is displaced, as the disembodied torso of a really big dog thing rises from it, its eyes glowing red. It also has dirty ass black fur, a~nd… it's missing a lot of flesh.

"There's a thing!" Ha-chan shouts from above us! "I see a monster!"

No shit!?

"Oh, Gods!" Futo flinches back, hopping back onto one leg. "We must move!" With that, she turns and begins sprinting.

Yeah, nah, I'm just gonna sit here and let it crawl into me!

Putting away Deep Blue, I take out Flame Salvo. "I'm gonna burn it! I'm gonna torch it!"

This exclamation made her stop, and she simply ran over to me, looking frustrated. "Come _on!_ "

Suddenly, she grapples me, and begins dragging me away into the air! Freakin'- no! I wanted to fight the-

Vzzt! Vzzt! Red lasers came from the zombie dog's eyes, and sweeped the path ahead with parallel zigzag patterns. Fortunately, Futo brought us high enough for the lasers to not come close.

...I stop struggling and let Futo take me away. I didn't know the asshole could fire _lasers_.

Up here, Ha-chan moves to join us. "Oh, wow! I didn't know you could fly, too!"

Futo smirks. "Tis only natural, young fae. I was born for great things."

...Yo, nearly everyone in Gensokyo can fly. S'not a bragging right…!

"Wo~w…" Ha-chan is mystified by Futo's charisma. "I wish I could fly!"

…Yeah, I don't have words for that.

Futo doesn't either, apparently, simply settling for giving the fairy a blank stare, before continuing

forward.

You know what? "Ha-chan, why did you say that?" Just to confirm.

"Because it was funny!" She grinned at me.

Ah ha!

Futo snorted. "...Thou shouldn't joke like such."

...Ha-chan tilted her head. "Why?"

We're now over the bamboo forest! Below us is many pointy trees of doom.

"One might just take thy word for granted." Futo chose the pretentious way of 'dude someone'll take you serious'.

...Ha-chan didn't reply, not sure what to make of the wording.

…

Alright…! "So, when we get to the clinic, we're gonna-"

A stream of red danmaku orbs grazes us! Holy _shit_ , I didn't see that coming!

"Quiet!" Futo barked. "I need _focus!_ "

We drop into the bamboo-

Pi~chun! Ha-chan, nooo~! I'm gonna have to find you sometime tomorrow morning to get you up to speed!

I'm forced to close my eyes as Futo drags us through the bamboo brush in an attempt to get away from whatever the fuck is trying to instantly annihilate us with danmaku. Branches and other nonsense beat up my face!

"Engh…" Futo grunts, gritting her teeth. "Co-come on…! Wh-where do these fae _come_ from…!?"

Wo-woah! Futo, what the hell…! Why are we _spinning!?_ The stars in the sky are like on spin cycle! Futo~!

" _Bitch!_ " A night fairy tries to tackle us, when-

Pi~chun! A plate bisects her the short way, through the torso.

" _Wind!_ " Futo calls for aid!

Fwi-fwish! We are now protected, yo.

" _Brace_ thyself!" Futo barks out. " _Brace-_ "

I see a very gleeful night fairy dart out in front of us, and in the next moment-

FWAM

An unfair three-column shot of red bullets just _plows_ into us.

That wind shield… I dunno if it helps, but lemme tell you…

"Aaaa~gh!" _I'm in pain_.

"Eeeaa~h!" Futo's not sounding so hot, either.

Pi~chun! Futo did away with the fairy, though, at least.

"We- we're…" Futo rasps out, her voice suddenly far more broken up.

Dipping out of the brush, I see the clinic's side! And- oh Jesus she's moving straight for a window! I curl up into a ball-

Shatter!

Thud, thud, thud. We break formation once we get in, gravity just _wrecking_ us.

…

We're inside some kind of dark room. Futo's splayed out on the floor across from me, and I'm just lying still because existing hurts. I guess I _should_ be happy that was danmaku and not some kind of instant kill attack, but… you know, I'm not feeling very grateful for anything about now…

…

Whelp, I'm not getting to sleep anytime soon. Time to get up and fumble around for a light…

Oh, right, I can just use my flashlight hanger.

...I take out Youkai Inconveniencer, and pour mana into it, activating the flashlight.

There we go. Hospital rooms look so bleak without lighting. I pan the light to the door of the room-

-and that scythe armed bastard is there _son of a bitch_.

"Hnnee~!" It's one-tone eyes open and widen.

"Fuck yo~u!" Get 'em out get 'em out _get 'em outta here!_

Pouring mana into my stupid holy hanger, I aim it at the thing. It slowly begins to step towards Futo, who was still lying on the floor unaware.

Fwash! Let there be _light_ , asshole! An orb of light expands where the being's torso is, staggering it.

"Rohn-hee~...!" Its legs buckle, and it bends back on its knees unrealistically far before getting back up.

Disregarding my mana, I just do it again.

Fwash! Another holy orb generates at the thing's core. I feel myself slow a bit, my mana probably taking a dive from just forcing out another holy spell.

"Ro-honck…" The being stumbles back, and-

Shink, shink. Its scythe arms impale the counter nearby.

I channel mana into the hanger again…

...Oh, come o~n, come on! I'm probably so damn close! Work!

The being pulls its blades from the counter.

What other fucking spells do I have? I have like, uh, shit… oh, yeah! Shutting my eyes, I envision that stupid fireball! After a brief moment, I toss it-

Fwoom! The thing ignites from the fireball, but being on fire doesn't stop it from progressing near Futo. O~h, boy…

Whelp, at this point, it's do or die, and I'm shit out of ideas. Guess I have to run up and try to whack the thing with my whip-like holy hanger, even though I know that's probably a terrible idea.

It raises a blade to impale Futo's unconscious form, and I get close to intervene-

Instead, it arches its arm back impossibly fast, and brings it out horizontally-

Shink. " _Oou~ch!_ "

My adrenaline flaring from the sudden fucking incision, I lash out with the holy hanger.

Think. It hits the bastard in the face. That doesn't do fucking anything, but I distracted it for a second. Good.

I feel like I'm going to die here. Legit.

It pulls the scythe from my body, letting me stumble ba- aa~h… oh, _fuck_ that hurts…

I-I got some other stupid spell. Raising my arm up, I focus in trying to summon that star spell I learned from Marisa, shutting my eyes. S'either that or I bite the dust.

...After a long, painful moment, I open my eyes.

Dink! The star bounces off of the creature-

" _Hna~ng…!_ "

Crack! It reels back, and its spine and torso snaps in _two_. Black mist pours out, but after a moment, the thing just vaporizes completely, all traces of its existence erased.

...I drop to my knees, my eyes watering. Fuck- quick, potion…

Pulling out a potion, I pop it, and chug it like a baby bottle. My throat accepts the liquid like it would water if I went the entire bloody day without drinking anything.

...I mean, I went like, twenty chapters without taking a swig of anything on-screen, but that's besides the point! Except for that tea that one time- I should probably drink that potion before I bleed out or something.

Gulp… gulp… gulp…

…

Ha~h. Oo~h, _yeah_. Good medicine tastes terrible. The place where I was stabbed feels weird, but the pain is slowly going away…

…

And Futo's still snoozin'. She _did_ take like, _all_ the danmaku back there. I'm not surprised it wiped her out.

...There we are. No more cut! It's a good thing I decided to be a cheapo and buy like _ten_ potions. It lets me take unnecessary risks like these!

The light from my holy hanger is super dim 'cause of my low mana. With my lethargic movements and tired lookin', I find the light switch and flick it on.

Now my eyes hurt! Oof.

There's beds in the far end of the room. I guess I'll put Futo in one.

...Moving up to her, I squat to lift her, and-...

Nevermind. For being so short, she's freakin' heavy. That, and I'm in no condition to lift people. She'll just have to be fine with the dirty hospital floor.

I hear a golf clap come from the door.

Turning, I see Komachi there. I reach for my bag to get a mana potion ready, though I know if she really wanted to start shit, I'd be toast.

"...Hey." Komachi waves at me, looking tired herself. "Fancy meeting you here."

Freakin'... "Son, if you're here to take my fluffy frik here, yer gonna catch a _beatin'_."

"Oh, na~h." She lets her huge scythe float beside her, folding her arms behind her head. "I'm actually really surprised. Futo usually just runs and hides in her little Taoist temple place whenever one of my scouts show up."

...Freakin', "You have scouts?"

"...That's what I call 'em." Komachi is indifferent. "The admins give us some meat to throw at our targets. They're not actually alive, and they run offa our mana, and stuff. They look pretty cool, too, so I can't complain. I mean, they could use _actual_ scythes for their hands, but that might be a waste. Oh we~ll..."

...I blink. "Why's Futo on your list? I thought you only went after immortals and shit, like the celestials."

She rolls her eyes. "She's one thousand four hundred, buddy. You tell me she's not some kinda cheater."

...Oh. Fuck.

"I don't really feel like reaping her, though…" Komachi stretches. "I mean, I send her scouts to freak her out and make it seem like I'm hunting her… but there'd probably be hell to pay if I really _did_ kill her."

Huh. "...So, we cool?"

She shakes her head. "Nope, you killed my scout, so you have to die. Sorry."

Oh, fuck, what!?

Wha- whuh- what do I do now!?

...She grins, restraining some giggles. "Re-relax…! I'm screwin' witcha."

Not inclined to buy that!

I rush over to the far end of the room, and hold out a mana potion. "No, yo! Back, noob! Back!" I swing my hanger in her direction threateningly! I know how this goes… I take her casually for one moment and it's like _boom, bitch!_ No way am I lettin' that happen.

...Still grinning, except now a bit wider, she takes some steps forward. "Gu~y. I-... yeah, that was kinda a stupid joke." She shrugged. "Whatever. Hey, you need help getting to sleep?"

…

"So when ya gonna shank me?" I'd rather not beat around the bush.

Rolling her eyes, Komachi leans forward a little, tilting her chest outward a bit. I remove my eyes from her drifting scythe to look at them, and then I glance at her face, eyes-

" _Sleep._ "

O-oh, you…

Thud.

…

…

Reaching into her pocket, Komachi takes out a single coin. "Drink's on me."

Using her thumb, she flicks it over onto my unconscious form.

…

I-I mean… I'm not unconscious yet. Everything's numb though!

O-oh, wait… here we go…

...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

…

Oof. Someone's abusing me in my sleep, yo…

…

"Awaken!" Hi, Futo. Her palms press into my everything as she repeatedly rams her arms into my side. "Th-thou art not injured badly, whelp! I am _not_ being regarded as accountable for any injuries of thine!"

U~gh… I wanna just sleep against this wall, friend. Is that too much to ask?

"Ri-rise…!" She huffs anxiously, brutalizing my arm again. "...Oo~h, the cr-crown prince will be _furious_ …"

Rise from your grave, skoolatoon warrior!

"Nn~gh…" I groan. "I'm up."

Futo leapt away from me, stepping back ten paces.

"Yo-you…!" She points at me. "That life of thine is not extinguished!?"

I nod. "Yes. Feels like it is, though…" So tired, still...

Getting up- geez, it's still dark- I flop over into a nearby medical bed.

"Good night." I need a few hours.

"Wh-wait!" She objects! "...I-I apologize for being caught in unfortunate crossfire, but we only took a slight tumble. If-if thou art injured… I apologize deeply."

Aa~h. Well, s'good to know you've got _some_ morals… not like I'm one to talk, but the courtesy is nice.

…

She moves up next to me. "An-and…"

…

"Where art thou injured?" Rolling me over, she stares down into my face, looking dead serious. "I will treat any affliction. It is on my honor."

If I requested you sate my desire for a one night stand, you'd probably slit my throat with dishes. I point at my eyes, instead. "See these?"

She leans over. "...Yes?"

"Tell me wa's wrong wit 'em." I'm blown away right now…

"...They are heavy looking." Futo observes.

"Means?" So… tired...

"...Sleepy. Right." She sighs. "...Well, alright, then."

Time to close my eyes...

After I don't reply for awhile, I hear her get into one of the other medical beds in the room. "Nnh…"

…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

…

Wh- nudging? Again? Can't I just-... okay, admittedly, these hospital beds are about as comfy as the floor of a bouncy castle… which is not as comfy as one might be led to believe!

"It is morning." Futo announces. "...Hey! _Hey!_ It is _morning!_ "

"Yeah, well good _night!_ " I'm gonna _glomp_ you if you don't get away from me, yo…!

"Here, lemme…" Oh hey, Ha-chan's back. She reaches her arms around me-

"Tickle tickle tickle!" Oh _fuck!_

"Ah- hahaha~!" Wh-what is _this!?_ "Sto-stop-hahaheha~!"

"Wakey wake~y!" Ha-chan looks incredibly smug.

"Ahahaha- wah!"

I fall on my side, off the side of the hospital bed as I kick and flail in an attempt to escape the tickle fairy.

"Oof…" Freakin'...

…

"That was profoundly disturbing." Futo announces, smirking. "It is between dawn and noon. If we are to make it to the festivity in time, we are to make haste."

The festivity. Ho ho… "Alright…" Standing up, I look around. The room was now naturally illuminated by the smashed window.

That reminds me… "Didn't we go through that window?" I ask her. "Didja get any cuts?"

She nods, smirk fading. "Indeed. I had time to meet with Yagokoro while you were dozing, and I had my wounds mended."

Oo~h!

"...My sincerest apologies, again." She turns to the door, and begins moving. "I-I… tweren't using my fullest ability, in that last fight. Be-because I wanted to see what thou would do! Which weren't much!"

...Son. "What was I _supposed_ to do, yo?"

"Combat them. Instead, thou were an ornament. Try not to be an ornament." Before I can rebuke, she marches out the door, shutting it behind herself.

...Freakin' fluffy.

"She needs to relax more." Ha-chan folded her arms behind her head. "I accidentally fell on her earlier, and she tried to clap me between some really big plates!"

I live in a world where you can be killed by having a Taoist clap you between people-sized plates. Presumably with just their bare hands. Truly the dankest timeline to live in.

"...Yeah." Casually agreeing with her, I move to follow Futo. Does Futo even know where Kaguya is?

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Well, apparently she does…!

I look in on the room she entered. It wasn't Kaguya's, and was instead some room with just a kotatsu, some bland plushies in the corner, and a floral pattern along the walls.

"There you are, Mononobe." Kaguya nods… graciously? "Have you dealt with your chore?"

Futo sat down before her. "Indeed, miss Houraisan. I-..." She paused. "I seem to have neglected to bring the individual with me. Perhaps that is for the better."

This interested Kaguya, who leaned in inquisitively. "Who might this guest of yours be, may I ask? Is it that ghost, or the Prince?"

Futo shook her head. "No-not exactly…"

Sliding the door open fully, I leap onto the scene! "Hehe~y! What's goin' on, noobs!?"

Kaguya tenses. "A-ah… this neanderthal. What might you be doing here?"

Futo turns away from me.

"I am…" I stamp my feet down in place, and bow…! "The guest of honor."

...Kaguya tilts her head. "If you do not make sense, I must ask you to leave. I am having a social moment among one of my allies."

Sliding up to Futo's side, I wrap an arm around her. "Fluffy hair over here and me are- Gufh!?"

Futo elbowed me in the _gut!_ "Away, neer-do-well!"

"Br-..." Kaguya stops herself from saying my normal name. "...Sir! Mind yourself!"

Freakin'...! "Mononobe no _asshole_ over here and me're making a band for the village competition." I announce. "That's why I had her drag me here on freakin' life and limb to get past the angry night fairies."

…

"Is…" Kaguya furrows her brows at Futo. "Is this true?"

Futo takes a moment, looking conflicted.

…

I should _really_ ask Yukari for some Twix bars. That woulda been good for Futo at this moment!

…

"Ye-yes." She bows her head. "I-I was… getting to that, Houraisan, you see-"

"So you just _went_ with him." Expression falling, Kaguya gestures to me. "You're here trying to schmooze me into this gig, and you expect that to go… like…"

Standing up, Kaguya folds her arms. "What way in _hell_ did you think he was going to make a formal meeting _work?_ "

Futo rose, throwing her arms into the air! "I don't know! I was- my intention were to instruct him on proper manners, for just this occasion! I hadn't anticipated thee to meet him at this time!"

"Yeah- well, it wouldn't've worked." Kaguya walks over to me. "We both know each other, so any shit you taught him would probably go in one ear and out the other."

Bringing my feet together, I try to compose myself like a dignified princess. "I beg your pardon?"

She snorts. "Yeah, yeah. So, what's this shit about bands?"

Ha-chan enters the room next. "We're going to play in a band!" ...You contributed, and that's what matters, friend.

"Cool." With an expectant face, Kaguya turns to me specifically, this time.

"...Winner gets cash prizes." At this point, we probably don't. That's just how it _goes_ , yo.

"I'm a _princess._ " Kaguya reminds me. "And we sell _medicine_. We're filthy rich over here."

...That's a good point, actually. "Well- it'll be fun?"

...She tilts her head back and forth. "Not really. If I wanted to pretend to be in a band, I'd just play Guitar Hero instead."

Fluffing up, Futo takes offense! "Mi-mind thee, miss Houraisan, I am _exquisite_ at instrumental arts. My long life has educated me in the arts of the Qing and the Faqi."

"...The who and the what?" Oriental instruments that I don't know!

"Bowls, bells, and shit." Kaguya summarizes, smirking. "That's not hard."

Futo jerks her head back. "What!? Mi-miss Houraisan, how _dare_ thee!"

"Oh- shit, right, forgot you were one of those stupid aristocrat types." Facepalming, Kaguya sits under the kotatsu again. "Damn it- look, I'm not good at alternating having a stick up my ass and talking normally… and I kinda gotta focus to have a stick up my ass."

...You mean that's not all the time?

"How _rude!_ " Futo turns away from her, scoffing. "I suppose we will have to leave you be, today, as you have left your manners be. Come along, mister."

Yeah, yeah. Ignoring Futo's stuffiness, I approach Kaguya. "Game 'a Smash. Loser does what the winner wants!"

Kaguya rolls her eyes. "Fine. No sex or I kill you."

"Deal." Yo ho ho!

Futo pivots back around. " _Mister!_ I-"

"Name's Brad." Honh.

She looks exasperated. " _Brad_ , we cannot simply go back on our standards! The Prince is not to be respected in this house again if-if we just… appear undignified in our decisions!"

"I couldn't care less about your guys." Reaching into her robe, she pulls out a 3DS. "...I mean, they buy some stuff from us, which is cool. But all that Taoism shit…?" Knowing she was treading a minefield, bringing up a stuffy person's religion, Kaguya showed a rare moment of relent. "Eeh."

...Futo huffed, sitting back down at the kotatsu. "I see. And what, by chance, would thou feelest if I were to inform the Crown Prince of thy opinion?"

"Hurt. Betrayed. Wounded." She spoke in monotone as she powered on the 3DS. "...Honestly, I only meet with you guys 'cause you remind me of Japan a million years ago and shit, and Eirin wants me to stay social."

"...I see." With that, Futo became silent.

...I pull out my 3DS. "Alright, yo. Let's _rumble…!_ "

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The four of us walked into the main lobby of the clinic. The hallways along the way are lookin' better already. I couldn't say the same of the rabbit population, 'cause a lot of them don't linger in the halls anyway. No idea how many there are now.

"Such fucking _bullshit_." Kaguya had her arms folded, again. "That was all luck."

"I'm not the one who decided to try and cheese with Jigglypuff." You _lost, son_. "Like… c'mon now- what was _that?_ "

Lagging behind a bit, she sighed. "Well, no...! It's just the game's balancing."

Al~right, I don't wanna hear no more, yo.

"...Those devices," Speaking for the first time since before the match, Futo had a brow raised. "What might they be?"

We stopped at the front counter, and Kaguya slowly flopped over onto it. "Codes to the nukes."

Reisen blinked at us. "...Princess, miss Mononobe. What do you require?"

"Just fuck my shit up." Kaguya pleads.

"...Re-really?" Reisen tilts her head.

Ha-chan moves alongside the counter, before going behind it. Questioningly, Reisen turns to the fairy as she just moves up to her…

"Hi…" Ha-chan looks around casually.

Reisen looks perturbed. "You're, uhm… not supposed to be back here."

"Oh." Ha-chan looks at the counter. "Oh no."

...I dunno what she's doing!

Futo slams her hands on the counter! "Is- is the princess always so… unkempt!?"

"Yes." Reisen blurts. Kaguya looks up at her, causing her to freeze up. "I-I mean no!"

I smirk at her, and Ha-chan stares up at her.

...She focuses on Futo again. "Actually, maybe…"

"Udonge!"

Eirin literally runs onto the scene! From the hall we came from, no less. "Fetch your rifle. Containment cell F12 had an accident, again."

"Again…?" Reisen fidgeted. "What about the lawncare?"

"..." Pausing, Eirin turned to us. "Ah, princess, there you are. May I ask you to trim the lawn today?"

Kaguya just looks up at her, disbelieving. "...What?"

"Many thanks." With that, Eirin drew her bow and ran in the opposite direction.

Within moments, Reisen slipped a _huge_ sniper rifle out from under the counter, and began jogging off with it. "Sorry, Princess! Uhm- it's not hard! The bamboo cutters are in the back room!"

Then, she was gone.

…

"Now, I am beginning to see where thy lack of compassion originates from." Futo stared in the direction of the friks who fled on us.

"Mmm…" Kaguya threw herself off the counter, and began slowly strutting towards the main slidin' glass doors. "Well. I suppose we'll… trim the lawn… on the way out…"

...She looks back at us. "Okay, seriously, what kind of stupid chore is that? This bamboo grows back the moment you look away."

Futo smirks. "Oh? Seemest thou hast a weakness, Houraisan. Dost thou needest me to teach thee how to do chores?"

I put a hand on her shoulder! "Futo! I need you-" She tries to elbow me, but I step back. Hah! "-to _teach_ me how to be, a _villain!_ "

"Thou art already one." Futo scowls at me. "Pervert."

Kaguya moves forward, and the door slides open. The doorway is kinda dark, but I assume it's not totally done yet. The outward doors also seem barricaded with bamboo boards, or something.

Once she steps up to the last set of doors, and they slide open-...

…

Oh. They're not barricaded by bamboo boards. There's just… a wall of bamboo in the way.

Uh oh.

…

"Oh. So that's what she meant." Kaguya was blunt.

"...That... mayhaps be beyond simple housework." Futo was awed.

…

Turning around, Kaguya moved to get the bamboo cutters. "Hold o~n…"

While she did that, Ha-chan lunged forward, and began to commit aggravated assault on the plants! "Enh! Ehn!"

"Out of the way, fae." Futo holds her hand out, a spinning plate of doom materializing before her.

Once Ha-chan properly gets outta the way, Futo launches the disc.

Shink!

…

Well, it ended up three-fourths of the way into the wall. None of the bamboo she cut even _fell_.

Bounding up to the bamboo, Futo decided to resort to Ha-chan's strategy. "Ho-how!?" ...She gave some of the bamboo she sliced a tug. "Hn~h…!" Wow.

...Sensing Kaguya approaching again, I turn, looking at the bamboo cutters…

She was looking down at them, somewhat awestruck. They were _literally_ just an old pair of sheers.

Rotating them a bit, she eventually reached the same conclusion. "...How."

Old reliables, yo.

Still disbelieving, she moved forward and began snipping at the bamboo. It actually went through it pretty cleanly, but she had to retract it entirely and make large incisions to get anywhere, since simply cutting once didn't help.

Fragments of bamboo stalks eventually were able to be pulled by her hand, but it took effort. Eventually, two large series of incisions left a square-shaped hole in the bamboo foliage, the upper parts of the stalks held in place by their neighbors.

"What the fuck." Kaguya was blunt. "Either Reisen's a super bunny, or someone planted MIracle Grow outside on the dirt."

...Hmm. Tough conclusions to choose from!

Futo brought a hand to her chin… "Well. We may always burn it."

Vainly, Kaguya turned towards her. "Yeah, okay. Hey- quick question, when was the last time any building was just outright fireproof?"

"...Point." Futo conceded, looking peculiarly dissatisfied. "However, is there any other option present?"

"Yeah, the one where we _don't_ burn everything." Folding her arms, Kaguya considered her options…

I pulled out Tundra Bloomer! Ho ho~!

Channeling mana into it, I slam it into the floor below! I'm aiming to make the ground under the bamboo shake and maybe displace it.

…

It shimmered a little, but I didn't notice anything else. Jesus, they're rooted in good, apparently. Last time I checked, the front of the clinic was all dirt and grass!

...Actually, this makes me wonder. What if I~...

"What the hell are you doing…?" Kaguya observes as I take the hanger hammer and try to wedge it between the bamboo and the ceiling over the doorway…

I succeed! Sorta! By bending the bamboo and crushing it out of the way a bit, the hanger exposes that the wall along the outside isn't fully frikified.

"How about we pick up all the bamboo…" Ha-chan raises her arms to accent her point. "And push it somewhere else?"

Yes.

"Those plates of yours cut through the bamboo just fine…" Slowly, Kaguya begins strutting around Futo. "How about you carve us a way through?"

...Actually, couldn't we just fly out an open window? Carving our way out of bamboo hell's the fun way, though!

"My mana reserve would take a beating most foul…" Lookin' skeptical, Futo glanced at the hall openings behind us. "Might we simply fly out of here? One of us will need to transport Brad-"

"No." Kaguya lashed out! Wrapping her arms around Futo, she lifts her.

"Wh-what art thou-!?" Futo tries to squirm out of her grasp, flailing her arms.

Kaguya grunts. "Gh- stay still! He-here!"

Somehow, Kaguya ends up holding her by her ankles with one arm and precariously using her other hand to hold her up by two wrists. This posture really defines Futo's boobs!

"Re-release me~!" Futo wails! "Thi-this…! I'll have this behavior of thine _recognized!_ There shalt be consequences!"

"Quit fucking _moving!_ " Kaguya grits her teeth, barely holding onto her.

Ha-chan struts towards her casually. "Lemme help…"

Wordlessly, she hands off Futo's squirrely wrists to Ha-chan, who ends up easily holding onto both. This allows Kaguya to just hold her by the legs!

"Sto-stop!" Futo begs. "I-I… Ho-how much do you want!?"

"Just shut up and start shooting plates!" Kaguya barks. "I'll feed you mana if you get low!"

"...O-oh. Thou… art using me as if I were a firearm." Futo realizes.

Kaguya snorts. "Good job. I'd be giving you some half-assed applause if my hands weren't full."

...Precariously, Ha-chan throws a leg over Futo's back, positioning herself over the fluffy-haired individual and holding her arms in the air parallel to one another.

I nod enthusiastically. "I think I'm startin' to like this!"

"Shu-shut _up!_ " Futo glares at me. "This is _thy_ fault!"

"You bet it is, yo!" Idea! Taking out the Bawmber, I run over to the small square Kaguya cut in the bamboo, and insert the hanger into it. "Alright, run 'n' gun, Kaguya!"

After I vacate the premises, Kaguya begins to visibly channel mana into Futo, the latter glowing.

"Wha-whaa~h…" Futo's eyes become uneven as she's filled with magical energy.

...

Furrowing her brows, the lunar princess gives Futo's ass a smack. "Shoot, dammit."

"Eep!"

Magically generated plates whir outward from Futo's face! Like a machine gun, they whirl towards the pre-existing indent where I left my hanger.

When they hit-

Booboombaboombaboom!

The idle noises of the clinic are drowned out by the constant, loud exploding of plates. You got the shattering, the explosions, the freakin'- oh, shit!

I cover my face to defend it from plate shards! Eaa~gh, shoulda thefted some goggles…

The incoming shards force me to hide behind Kaguya, to make sure I don't get my eyes stabbed out as easily by a freakin' bouncy ass shard.

"Hraa~h!" Kaguya roars! She slowly marches forward, stomping with every step as she moves forward.

"Aaaa~h!" Ha-chan wailed, probably getting chewed into by the shards from ahead.

Kaguya gives her a kick to the back. "Move! Keep moving!"

Letting go of Futo's arms, Ha-chan quickly abandoned the cause! "Ow, ow, ow~...!" Her face has a bunch of tiny cuts!

Lunging forward, Kaguya barely manages to keep Futo from faceplanting the floor, holding her by her, uh, pony tail.

"Aaaa~h!" Futo was now the one in immense pain! She was also paddling her hands against the floor to keep herself both moving and not as dependant on Kaguya's hair mutilation to not get face-mutilated.

Boomblamboombam!

Like this, Kaguya progresses forward, marching into the exploding shrapnel shaft she created within the bamboo. Although, it's, uh… a bit slanted.

Hell, not just a bit slanted. They're going at like, forty five degrees!

...Eventually, the explosions stop, Ha-chan and myself carefully following behind the friks…

The tunnel expands quite a ways, but it only takes like, twenty seconds to clamber up the uneven bamboo shaft. It feels weird to be climbing up distilled bamboo, though…

At the top, we are above the tree. Futo and Kaguya are probably at the bottom, somewhere.

I turn to Ha-chan. "Carry me, friend…"

The cuts on her face are gone. Freakin'... do fairies get youkai regeneration, too!?

"Sure!" She quickly slides behind me, and- once her arms are under mine- floats out with me in her arms.

We reach the bottom within moments. I reclaim my Bawmber hanger from some nearby freakin'... annihilated bushes.

"Eh-... euugh…" Futo's face has glass lodged in it. Oof.

Kaguya drops her unceremoniously, before rolling her over and moving to pluck out the glass. "Hold still or this'll hurt more."

"Wh-wha…" Futo is confused. She only seems to wince a little as the glass is pulled.

Once that's all said and done, Kaguya lifts her up and back onto her feet.

"O-ouh…" Futo is tempted to rub her face, but refrains. "Th-that smarts…"

"You'll live." With that, Kaguya looks over at me, then back at Futo. "What time's this band festival start anyway? Like, a day or two?"

Woah no. "This afternoon." I smile at her smugly. She's got some shards in her face, too.

…

"What the _fuck._ " Kaguya just stares at me slack-jawed. "Seriously? It's almost noon _now!_ Are we supposed to just get up on stage and yell at the crowd!?"

I clap my hands! "That's a _great_ idea, actually!"

She facepalms. "Oh, _fuck_ me…"

...Futo finally seems to come to her senses, shaking off whatever mana-affiliated status she had. "...I am not in the greatest of moods to be paraded around with facial scarring, even if it will heal due come minutes."

Kaguya began carefully plucking her own glass shards out. "Suck it up. If you regen- ow- regenerate like I do, you'll be fine in- shit- two minutes…"

Moving towards the brush, I gesture for the friends to follow. "Come along, friends. We've probably gotta haul some ass."

"Lemme lead." Abruptly, Kaguya bounds up and past me, pushing me aside. "You'll just get us lost."

Can confirm, I don't know frik about this forest like Kaguya does. "Alright, yo."

Silence settles in as I follow behind the princess, with fluffy hair and Ha-chan followin' behind me.

…

"So how'd Futo's ass feel?" Time to stir the shit!

Kaguya snorted. "Soft. Smackable."

...Tryin'a gauge Futo's reaction, I- ow!

I'm sent ahead a foot or so, Futo's freakin' shoe connecting with my _ass_.

"Thy posterior is very puntable." Disdainfully staring at me, she continues towards me again, looking intent on a repeat…!

Woosh! On her second attempt, I hop forward a bit to just dodge. Ho ho- ack! She freakin' used her _other leg!?_

"Two legs're cheatin', yo!" I run to hide in front of Kaguya! "How do you even _do_ that!?"

"Floating." Futo puts it bluntly.

...Oh, right. Why don't more people do that? Just freakin'... gravitate into their opponent and flail their legs.

...I hear the soft 'thud' of Kaguya getting kicked in the ass.

"Okay, that's it…!" Doubling back, she charges at Futo! "C'mere!"

"Wha- no!" Futo launches a few small ceramic plates forward, but Kaguya tanks them and tackles her.

As amusing as it would be to let Kaguya do whatever it is she's about to do, we kinda gotta move! "Hey, friends. How about we get freakin' moving?"

...Kaguya looks up from her prey, giving Futo an opportunity to push her off and crawl back.

"Fi~ne…" Standing up, she continues to move forward-

Wi-cho~w!

…

What the frik kinda noise was that?

A stocky, bright projectile whizzed into a tree cluster far ahead of us. A sizzling char mark was left in the bamboo.

...Indifferent, Kaguya turns to me. "I was gonna grope her ass."

"Fo-foul!" On her feet again, Futo objects from behind us! "Whom art thou, and what have thou done with the most pure Houraisan!?"

"I baked a cake outta her." Kaguya retorted.

Wi-wicho~w!

Two more stocky projectiles came from the brush, whirring past us but not close to us.

"There's funny noises…" Ha-chan furrowed her brows, looking around. "I-I can't stop listening to them…"

...What?

The other girls just give her an equally confused glance, before Kaguya moves forward…

A fluffle ran out of the brush. Instead of being plush doll sized, it was midget sized, and held this like… rusty, metal box with a barrel. It held the box with both fins.

"Oh, fuck no." Kaguya cracked her knuckles.

Wicho~w!

She floated out of the way of another bright, stocky projectile, which came from the fluffle's _box with a barrel_.

"help friends" The fluffle requested aid. "i found shelter"

Running towards it, before it could run back behind the brush it was tucked behind, Kaguya just outright tackled it. "Hrah!"

"what no" It squirmed lightly, and looked around. "im stubby"

Kaguya promptly ripped its head off, turning both parts of its body into dust.

...Standing up again, she held up the box with a barrel.

"Oh, good, they reinvented guns." She looked it over, and once I got closer, I did, too. It's literally… just a box and a barrel. No pads, no triggers… there _are_ these really tight lookin' screws on each corner, though.

Curiously coming up aside us, Futo glanced over it as well. "So that is yet another form of firearm, then? Such armaments are rather perplexing…"

"This isn't how they're supposed to work." Kaguya furrowed her brows at it. "You can't even use mana to make it fire. It's just… metal. Weird shit."

Huh.

…

Wi-wi-wichow!

A barrage of shots rang out somewhere in the woods away from us. Most of 'em weren't even aimed towards us…

"What is this?" Futo furrowed her brows, as well.

"Probably a bamboo shooting party or something." Kaguya tossed the tiny metal gun aside, and bounded forward.

Wi-wi-wichow!

Accenting the barrage, two heavy 'chank'-like sounds echoed throughout the brush. This time, a bullet passed right behind Kaguya, and she didn't even notice. Ho ho ho…!

"Alright, _what's_ going on…" Holding her hands up, Kaguya scanned the bamboo around us…

Suddenly, Mokou dashed right past us! Her hands were flaming, and her normally white shirt was full of red marks.

"Hey, bitch!" Kaguya yelled out for her. "Bi~tch! Get back here!"

Too late. Mokou was haulin' ass.

Wi-wi-wicho~w! _Cha~nk, cha~nk_.

Lights flashed all around us!

Two long, purple bolts traveled straight through Kaguya. "Guagh!?" Turning to their direction, she held her hands out, two streams of round rainbow bullets flooding the direction they came from.

"Augh…" Futo was clipped in the leg. "Steel thy arms and _fight!_ " She started throwing out plates into the air, and they hung in place before her, providing cover.

I~... got on the floor and made myself scarce! Not gonna risk gettin' shot by whatever these bullets are!

Blood began expanding across Kaguya's robe, where she was shot…

"Shi-shit…" Reaching into her robe, she began pulling out the spare 3DSs inside and repositioning them to non-bloody pockets. Good priorities.

Chank, cha~nk.

Ducking on reflex, Kaguya only got her shoulder clipped. "Fuck!"

From the brush, came another fluffle. This one was freakin' tubby… like, almost one and a half times the size of a person. Around its fins it had these big boxes with holes cut out around the forward edges.

Glaring at it, Kaguya sent a spread shot of pink danmaku forward.

"Walaa~g…" The wall of danmaku made it flinch after a delay.

"Suck it!" Kaguya does it again. It's cyan danmaku this time!

"Waaa~l…" Again, the thing just flinches.

Suddenly, from deeper in the brush, two thin beams of fire stretch out, meeting the fluffle. Mokou marches from the brush, freakin' bleeding like she was a sponge. She probably _looks_ like a sponge under those clothes, too!

It catches ablaze! "Waa~lg!" A~nd it just does that really scripted looking flinch again.

It actually forces Kaguya to send a thick, violet bullet out at it-

Thwack!

"Waal~aaa~l…" Lurching forward, the fluffle got on its fins, before its head fell off. Then, the entirety of it became dust.

"...What the _fuck_ was that thing made of!?" With a road, Kaguya threw her arm to the side, blue bullets whirling aimlessly into the brush.

Plates began covering her flanks, making her pause for only a moment, before she remembered why.

I see Ha-chan quickly flying up into the air. Futo even sent out a plate or two to cover my already pretty good floor position-

Wi-wi-ch-wi-chow!

Ten or so lasers whirl out.

"Fuaa~h!" Mokou falls forward, three flying through her chest.

I see many of the plates flinch and bare heavy scorch marks, even on their inward-facing sides-

 _Ouch!_

Where the fuck did I even get hit!? It hurts, but- fucking…

Oh. Somewhere awkward on my side. Damn, that's gonna _sting_ until I down a potion.

Well, now I can use my Million Bucks, yo…!

Taking out the hanger- oo~h, ho ho…!

...It's not as much springiness as I had anticipated for getting shot in like, my _side meat_ , but y'know, it works.

"C'mon!" Kaguya moves ahead, running into the brush.

"Fu-fucking…" Kicking up off the floor, Mokou hobbles after her, one arm clutching her wounds.

Ho ho! I get up similarly, and- woa~h! Freakin' sprint right past Mokou and end up on Kaguya's ass. I'd be tempted to smack it were we not in the middle of freakin'... fluffle war.

Plates sporadically get thrown next to our path, to act as cover and stuff, but we only get fired at in waves so it doesn't help all that much…

Eventually we come to some weird shit, which at this point's not entirely new. Why _wouldn't_ there be some weird shit in the middle of this bamboo forest?

"What is _this!?_ " Kaguya's pretty livid, though. "When did this…!?"

There's some kinda big, grey shed thing here in the middle of the woods. Multiple arm-like machines hang off of the side of it, and under those is a long conveyor belt, the origin of which is within the box shed thing.

"Alright, this' gotta go…" She begins marching towards it. "I don't have time for-"

Wi-wi-wi-wicho~w!

When the first bullet sounds, Kaguya ducks, and only ends up clipped by one, again.

"God fucking dammit!" She's ready to crack some necks!

"Ge-get back…!" Mokou yells, from behind us. "It-it, ugh…" She stops to cough up some blood. Oof…

Disregarding her, Kaguya proceeds forward-

Vrrr~! The arm things tilt their ends at Kaguya, and begin firing persistent, thin lasers at her. They slowly trail across the ground towards her, but she backs up away from them, and they deactivate with distance.

The conveyor belt eventually brings out some weird freakin'... grey pile of cloth.

Plates whirl out to our sides! "I'll fortify our rear!" ...You do that, Futo. We wouldn't wanna get smacked in the ass by those freakin' lasers.

Wi-wi-wi-wicho~w!

Futo ends up pierced by a few lasers herself. "Agugh…!"

Cha~nk, cha~nk! I have no idea if those hit anyone, but no one protested after the sounds rang out!

"Divine Treasure!" Oh, shieut, Kaguya's about to bust out a spell card! "Life Spring Infinity!"

Lines formed all around her, and-

Splotch. Red bullets whirl out from a central point around Kaguya's perimeter, accompanied by a _metric shit ton_ of lasers.

I'm pretty much caught in the middle of like three!

...I don't feel that different, though. In fact, I feel pretty good…!

The static around my legs dissipates, and my side stops stinging. Are these lasers healing elemental?

Curiously, I reach out for the folding wave of red bullets-

Ow, ow, ow. Shit still hurts! I should've gotten up so I could dodge- ow!

Splotch. That's a weird noise for a freakin' nexus of laser madness to make.

I stand up, caught in the midst of the white lasers. Futo seems to be all healed up, as well, drifting around aimlessly within the cluster of lasers. They all generate in this really weird, spiky pattern around seemingly random points in space…

"Waa~l!"

"help! friends!"

"friend no help"

"nuzzle me"

Fluffle wails came out from all around us, the white lasers cutting through the bamboo, allowing me to see…

Jesus, fuck. We were like, _surrounded_. There's literally like… sixty fluffles all in a wide circle around us. What kinda freakin' hitjob was this!?

Keyword bein' 'were' surrounded. Those white lasers seem to hurt the fluff stuffs, but not us.

"Oh, _hell_ yeah!" Running into the clearing, Mokou pumps her arms in the air, now fully intact. "This card is fucking bullshit, but it's great!"

Splotch. As one freakin' art piece of lasers faded, another one was realized.

" _Gaaa~h!_ " Mokou was suddenly injured by them.

Oof- yo, yo, yo~...! I can hardly see these freakin' annoying red bullets! It's cool that Kaguya has a freakin' psuedo-healing spell, but- ga~h…!

Splotch. Whelp, my vision is now all white, yo.

"...Fu-fuck you…" Mokou is better again! Sorta!

I see Futo whirl by me in the midst of the lasermania. So many freakin' lasers… and so many stupid red bullets! What's even the point of healin' us if you're just gonna bombard us too!?

Splotch…

Well, this is relaxin'. Shoulda brought a book, yo. That, and a freakin' shield to protect myself from these stupid tiny red star bullets…

Quickly, however, the spell ends, and all the associated lasermania 'n' bullets vaporize. Kaguya's now floating in the air, twirling as she slowly descends upon the soil again…

"There we are…" She gives us a cocky smile. "You had all best be grateful."

Futo clapped her hands and bowed. "Am-amazing, Houraisan!"

"How the frik did that work?" I wanna know!

Kaguya turns to me. "Those beams were time elemental. I simply used the trace time damage to reverse your wounds."

Aa~h. You can just do that. Rewind wounds. That's how it works, huh... "The stupid freakin' star things?"

She snorts. "Non-elemental. Why, they kick your ass?"

" _Yes._ " I rub the places recently stricken… "I still feel 'em through the healing, yo…!"

Ha-chan slowly drifts down towards us… by silently descending from above!

Ahead, I look at the giant grey box of doom. The cloth got blown the fuck away in the danmaku, so it seems another cloth is just gettin' rolled out…

Kaguya marches towards the conveyor belt, only for the machine arm things to activate their slow tracking lasers again.

"What…?" Incredulous, she lifted enough just to drift back. "They _lived!?_ "

Promptly, Mokou directed a stream of fire at one, which began to make it glow. "...Shit doesn't burn, either!"

Oo~h! What if someone douses it with water!?

Six plates whirl out from Futo's position, and position themselves around the glowing arm. She snaps her fingers-

Fwuush! Water materialized between the plates-

Bam! The arm shattered, the deadly shrapnel displaced by the polygon of water that fell immediately post-materialization. Two laser drill arm things remained.

...Huh. So she had the same idea. Not only that, but, like… she can just _make_ polygons of water. I thought strategically flooding crap was _my_ unique ability!

...Giving Futo a grin, Mokou proceeded to torch the next laser arm thing. Kaguya drifted into the air, and the tracking lasers followed her up, forcing me to walk out of the way before the rising laser nicked me on accident.

The plates Futo positioned shattered, and she sent out six new ones as the arm drill heated up…

She snapped her fingers.

Fwuush! Rest in pieces, arm drill thing number two.

Bam! Only one to go. The water also washed that grey cloth off the conveyor belt.

...Limbless fluffles began getting released from the conveyor belt's source. Like, the belt was now dotted with limbless, inactive loaves of fluff. Some were on their side, and looking at us.

"honh honh honh… honh"

...Mokou focused on them instead of the last arm, lighting them ablaze.

"Waaaa~l!"

Burning fluff stuffs…

After receiving an impatient stare from Futo, she eventually focuses on the arm laser drill. Within a minute, it's heated enough for another barrage of plates to encapsulate it, and-

Fwuu~sh! Bam! The final arm is flooded by water, and shattered.

The water consequently puts out the nugget people. "ho~nh…" They let out a simultaneous coo.

"Alright, now…" Marching up to the box, Kaguya picks up one of the undamaged, limbless fluffles. "What the fuck is this?"

"gimme a lil sniff" The fluffle requested.

"No." Kaguya shook it, and got in its face. "Tell me. What the _fuck_ is _this?_ "

"no no gimme a sniff first" The fluffle insisted.

…

Kaguya leaned forward a bit, and gave its forehead a sniff.

…

"Ah-achoo!" She sneezed, recoiling back from the nugget.

"Goddammit." Mokou moved up alongside her, her hands flaming. "Let's just burn them."

"hug" The fluffle make another request.

Fed up, Kaguya passed it to Mokou. "Yeah, fuck you. Torch 'em."

The latter's hands slowly ignited it, but it didn't react to being caught on fire.

"Ha~h!" Futo threw her arms forward in a shoryuken-like motion, a thick ball of fire roaring out to meet the growing pile of fluff at the end of the conveyor belt.

Fwoo~sh!

"Waaaa~l!" It's a bonfire, yo!

Futo holds up a torch, made from literally just a three feet long segment of bamboo that she ignited. Promptly, she pokes it inside the dark interior of the conveyor belt's output port. All that happens is that the next few fluffles that come out are on fire, too.

Running along the side, Kaguya kicks the giant box. "Hah!"

Clack. Freakin' dense as a rock, apparently.

Turning away from the fluffles, Mokou tries to heat the box up in similar fashion. Fwoo~sh!

...After a few moments, the side begins glowing a faded red.

Futo's plates begin getting sent out by her one by one to position themselves around the increasingly hot walling…

She snaps her fingers, and the plates promptly draw water!

Fwuu~sh.

...The side splashed is steaming, but not much else changed. Awwh.

"Damn." Mokou sighed, folding her arms. "Made of tougher stuff."

Smirking, Futo had an idea. "Not for long!"

She sent three plates behind herself. Leaping back, she lands on one, and it becomes a tiny little dinky boat! _Yo!_

"Onwards!" She triumphantly points forward, sailing the flying boat towards the wall…

She tilts it back, and-

Bam! The wood boat harmlessly shatters against the metal wall.

Abandoning it at the last moment, she swings in the air onto the second plate. It also becomes a tiny boat, but this one's thick looking. It's got no seats, just like, flat wood tops where normally you'd sit inside.

Taking her pointing stance again, she sacrifices this tiny boat to the wall, too.

Bam! It didn't break, though! It just sunk upon striking the wall, and once Futo kicked off of it, it freakin'... _vaporized_.

She lands on the last plate, and it shifts into a proper wooden boat! Like, it looks like a miniature pirate ship!

It sails forward just as fast as the other two, and-

 _Bam!_ Wood does not beat metal, apparently.

"Ugh…"

Melodramatically, Futo soared into the air, doing a backflip before landing on her stomach some distance away from the grey box. "Oof…"

"Nice job." Mokou had her hands in her pockets, now.

"You're cuddly." I inform Futo.

...She looks up at me vainly. "Bla-blast… bested by architecture. I shall never live this down."

...Also, is it me, or is Futo like, a _platemancer?_ Seriously, she can draw water polygons out of plates, make freakin' tiny model ships out of plates…

"You know what?" Kaguya begins drifting off. "Screw it. We'll come back and rip this thing a new one later. We gotta get to that concert and spend the negative ten minutes we have to practice."

Mokou jerked her head back. "Wha~t? _You_ , a band? With who?"

Kaguya points to us! "Brad, that fairy of his, and this asshole." She gestures at Futo.

"Wa-watch thy tongue." Floating onto her feet, Futo dusts herself off… "I hadn't initially taken you for an uncivil sort, Houraisan, but thou art quickly soiling my image of thou."

...Kaguya glares at her. "You want me to shove that dopey hat up your ass?"

"We-well…!" Futo fluffs up! "...Not particularly, no..." then she deflates.

"Hah." Kaguya smugly folds her arms, in that way where it looks like her sleeves connect.

Mokou cuts in. "Who runs this band thing?"

I get a brief wave from Kaguya. "Him."

"...Sure." Mokou looks perplexed. "Well, I'm comin with ya."

Yo~! "I didn't even have to ask!"

She smirks. "I've got nothin' to be doing right now, anyway, and those fluffles've got me pissed."

Honh.

Abruptly, Kaguya drifts ahead. "C'mon, we have to go go go! We're probably late as fuck as it is!"

"Late!?" Mokou runs after her. "What, you fucks form this band right before the concert!?"

I run after them, but find difficulty keeping up. Freakin'...! Wait for your band captain master, noobs!

Abruptly, Ha-chan lifts me from behind. Ho ho…

Futo slowly accelerates past me, looking ecstatic as she rides another dinky wood boat off after the girls.

…

Well, this is gonna take awhile! Ha-chan's floating speed while carrying me is only slightly faster than walking!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 51

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY:

Youkai Inconveniencer - Semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but isn't particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Slight damage vulnerability when used, which has worn over time. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger's gained the ability to deal electrical and holy damage. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy...

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out what they are…

Toasty Yuki-onna Kimono - Best winter clothing twenty fifteen. Fifty percent ice and freezing resistance, but _negative_ fifty percent fire and burning resistance!

Sixty-five thousand, two hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have! I should do this for potions, too...

Nine Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point...

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I _really_ have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

Hana, the Electric Elemental Stalker Maid - She's friendly, dude. She's getting better at using thunder magic, too! Cyan hair and eyes, likes to be fluffy, so on and so forth. I don't got a whole lot ta add about her… Oh, yeah, she's weak to earth magic, I think.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Sometimes can cast a slightly stronger lightning bolt… but it still can't fry people!

INVENTORY:

Probably some rocks - Yeah.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

hello world

yeah took my sweet ass time writing this one; getting colds in college sucks friends

although ultimately the output probably doesn't seem all that different 'cause of the time i'd normally spend friking around with gensokyobound

once i get back into my groove this stuff'll move faster; that and politics slowed me a bit because it's been a huge talking point and things have been kinda crazy

...i THINK this is an alright chapter overall; i lagged on finishing it so i have no idea about the quality of the ending scene for the most part but overall things should be alright

pretty sure my cold made me a miserable bastard so me and gauging my comedy was freakin' hard, be it in present or post

someone told me to never write while sick… and i half disagree with that advice; you can do it but it'll show a bit and you're gonna feel like shit

sick's good for autopilot mode though; lets you chug through boring content like a freakin' tractor trailer

...oh, yeah, college has class styles and attendance policies that'll make you not wanna take sick days ever unless you're dead or dying

and now…!

regarding when this fanfic likely closes at 1 M words: daz mostly 'cause i think by then the meandering's gone on long enough, unless i feel like doing seasons or some shit (despite this probably being well into what one might consider a second season) mostly 'cause i do wanna focus on ideas that aren't this from time to time, even though i do have a lotta fun writing it

i SAY i wanna close it at a million, but daz largely for productivity purposes; at the same time i don't feel like i'm really gonna cover some areas i really wanna cover in just 250 k words; i mean i was already figuring another 250 k word extention but we'll see

after the 1 M mark things will likely be up in the air for awhile but that's not gonna be for like three-four more months or some'n at this rate

the question is will i be an insane person and start another fanfic before then… and i dunno yo we'll see once things balance out and stuff, right now just gonna focus on one again

as always, see you all next time!


	64. High Quality Video Game Transcriptions

(in which we play high quality rips)

We're now at the village gate…!

"No." The guard folds his arms. "I know what you've said- there's a festival, and all- but I can't just let in suspicious youkai on a whim. I'm sorry."

Kaguya, Mokou, and Futo stare at him dryly.

"I am a Taoist." Futo speaks first. "I can vouch for the good intentions of most-..." She gives me a wry glance. "All of us."

"And how do I know that?" The guard scowls.

Futo's face faults. "...Art-... art thou daft? Do we not appear official?"

"Look- It doesn't matter. We've had a lotta shady people recently, and you're one of him." He folds his arms, shaking his head. "Orders are orders. I'm sorry, but you're not coming in."

Kaguya steps up next to Futo. "Kaguya Houraisan. I own the clinic that markets all of your medicine." She glares at the man. "I request passage for my escorts and I."

"You'd have your real guards with you…" Narrowing his eyes, the guard backed up slightly… "I-I think. I'm willing to chance it."

Mokou is up next! "Buddy, it's me, Mokou. Keine's friend?"

...The guard tilts his head back and forth. "Alright, okay. I'll let you in, but no one else."

Kaguya and Futo's jaws slowly drop.

"What the fuck." Mokou just stares at him.

"...What?" Not expecting the response, the guard jerks his head back. "I can't trust these other youkai."

"You sayin' you don't trust me? That 'cha don't trust Keine?" Mokou gets up in his face, scowling back at him.

…

"Yeah, I don't." Wow. What a pair of _balls_ this guy has.

Slipping out Tundra Bloomer, I get on the floor and start spamming Gaia Seed by jamming it into the dirt.

Fwooo~...

The hazy green magical circle generates around the dude, and before he knows what's goin' on-

"Wo-woah…" He stumbles around. "What… are you doing!?"

Fwooo~...

"I-I'm getting backup! I'll remember-" The second magical circle of earth-elemental drowsiness kicks in, and he drops to his knees. "Whuh…"

Mokou backs away, unsure what's going on. "Uhm…"

Fwooo~...

C'mon, already…

The third circle generates around him, ready to give 'em the big snooze. Once the circle releases its power, the guy finally collapses onto his stomach, out like a light.

…

"That was thy interference, were it not?" Futo turns to me, expression dry.

I nod. "Put his ass to sleep, yo. Read it a bedtime story."

With the frik outta commission, Mokou moves to operate the crank to the gate.

Kaguya stares down at the guard. "You'd think they'd give the guy a partner or a spotter on the wall or something…"

"You'd think they'd _learn_." Mokou abbreviated as she reeled the crank.

Once the gate was open, we moved inside.

"Shouldn't we tuck him in…?" Ha-chan glanced back at the guard, also reminding us she was freakin' there.

"Nope." No time, yo. If he gets eaten by some freakin' monster, that'll be too freakin' bad.

Futo turns back, and throws out a plate. It flies past the unconscious guard, before doubling back to push his corpse inside. Once it was in well enough, the plate just shattered.

She turns to us, a 'lil testy lookin'. "Unlike thine, my morals are _intact_."

I like how she put in the effort to push him inside, but still refuses to go back and close up the gate. He's not that much safer inside, I feel…!

We progress down the road without much further comment. Just kinda meanderin' along…

Until there _is_ further comment, from Kaguya! "Where'll we get instruments?"

Oh, right. Y'know… "Do we need them?"

...Kaguya turns to me. "Yeah. Let's just play in a concert without any fucking instruments. You dumbass."

Okay- not my brightest contribution! "Well, couldn't we use improv sounds!? Like, sounds 'a danmaku, or hitting shit, like trashcans, or-"

"Mokou's endless screaming." Kaguya grins. "You know, she _might_ make a good instrument."

"I'm gonna turn _you_ into an instrument…!" Mokou menacingly stomps towards Kaguya!

"Yo, yo!" I hold up my hands, and move to get in her way. "Yo!"

She glares at me. "What the fuck do you want?"

"...Save it for the stage yo." I grin.

...With a huff, she folds her arms. "Fine."

Woo. I have postponed the great war.

Looking over at Futo, I see her tapping a plate with her hand, no notable noise produced as a result. "Hmm." She tilts her head, and then the plate suddenly shatters loudly.

Casting her arm outward, a line of six plates extends from her position, and she makes them shatter one by one, to a janky and varied delay. "I could make this work, yet…"

Ha-chan floats up to Kaguya, and turns around, slowly encroaching upon her space with her back…

Ti-ti-ti-ti-tick! Ha-chan eventually gets close enough to smack Kaguya's face with her wings repeatedly, causing Kaguya's eyes to slightly narrow. "Wh-what the fuck… ge-get away." She shoves Ha-chan away. "No."

"Hehehe~!" Fairy friend is overjoyed!

I think… we are ready for the concert!

We begin to near the town square, where there's a freakin' huge crowd of people blocking the way. They're also noisy, yo… and not all of them are villagers, even! I see some fairy maids and regular fairies here, and freakin'...

"When the hell's this shit starting!?" Just a freakin' random wolf man. Not even attacking anything, he's just here for the music, apparently. The guard had balls to keep out Mokou and Kaguya at the same time, but not enough to keep out this freakin'... dog person!

"Shh~." This girl with horns, black hair, and red eyes motions to shush him. "I will enslave you."

"...What?" The wolf man is just confused. She just turns away and doesn't even make good on her statement- okay we need to find wherever backstage is!

"We gotsta find the back stage!" I exclaim to the friends.

Kaguya turns to me with a vain expression. "Have you even been here before today…?"

"He~y!"

Above us, Merlin floats overhead. She begins descending to join us… and once she's within range, she just floats a little above us.

...

"Oh, it's you." Kaguya realizes. "One of the performing sisters, yes? The ghosts with the instruments."

"That's us!" Merlin nods happily. "We're here to perform! And so is he!" She points at me!

"These guys are my _band_ , yo." I gesture to the friends. "We're gonna fuck shit up."

Ha-chan waves. "Hi!"

Futo facepalms. "Do-don't go around giving us the repute of hooligans…"

Mokou and Kaguya just exist, staring at Merlin.

"Cool!" Merlin sees no problem with the band composition. "I'll take you to your backstage. Follow me~!"

She flies off. Freakin'...

Futo, Mokou, and Kaguya drift off after her leisurely. How am I supposed to- woah! Ha-chan plucked me off the ground, somethin' that probably shoulda occurred to me sooner.

Behind the two stages, there's a buncha booths obscured by curtains of various colors. Ours is obscured by some blue ones! Pink and neon green ones sit next to it, and- wow, there's a lotta these boxes. Like, six just behind this one stage.

Ha-chan lowers me into our blue one, where the rest of our band is!

"You guys were just in time!" Merlin informed us. "Our first performance just ended!"

Kaguya double took. "How's that on time!?"

Merlin giggled. "Oho~h, it was just between us and those other instrument sisters. One of our many joint performances to come! The next one will be, uhm…" Pausing, she reached into her pocket, and took out a sheet of paper. "Hmm~... The Fluffle Choir versus Big Bad Bosses."

The _Fluffle Choir_.

"The _Fluffle Choir_." Mokou echoes. The other girls look equally amused.

Merlin nods. "We got like, five bands of just fluffles. There's about twenty bands total…"

What? "How."

"They signed up!" Merlin smiled innocently.

" _How._ " I press. They have _fins_.

She shrugged. "I dunno! They wanted to play!"

" _How?_ " I press again. They _still have fins!_

"...With instrume~nts?" Merlin tilted her head, confused. "People wanna play, dude…"

Wait, wait- "I mean the fluffles." I clarify.

"Oo~h!" Merlin perks up, realizing what I meant. "...Your guess is as good as mine!"

Oh, good.

...Looking across us, she realizes something. "Do none of you guys have instruments?"

Kaguya laughs. "Hahaha. No. We don't."

"...Oo~h." Merlin made an 'o' shape with her mouth. "U~m. Well, you can still 'play', but u~h… well, if you can make music like this, you'll be cool!"

"How do two bands play at once?" Futo asks a good question! "Would their sounds drown one another out?"

Merlin shakes her head. "Nope. There's actually like, three factors to this whole contest thing. Or four. Basically: you gotta do four things! One is play music, one is look pretty, one is beat up the other band, and the last is to impress the judges!"

...Oh boy. "Beat up the other band?" I question.

"Yeah." Merlin nods. "It's a danmaku battle, too!"

…

Kaguya and Futo turn to me, glaring. I put my arms up! "I didn't know, yo. I didn't know."

"I suppose we'll get farther than we expected, then…" Kaguya makes her hair flow behind herself, with a brush of her hand. "I am superb at danmaku."

Mokou cracks her knuckles. "This is gonna be _fun_."

Futo laughs sheepishly. "O-oh? Uhm, yes…! We shall best those other bands flawlessly!"

Merlin smiles. "Oh, one other thing! Your danmaku has to come from your music or instruments! See ya!" She abruptly darts through the curtain, leaving our booth.

…

"Shit." Kaguya slouches. "We're fucked."

"Nonsense, yo." I rub my hands together… "We'll just make our instruments with our bones and our tears."

Mokou spoke up. "...I'm using Kaguya as an instrument."

The princess turns to her. "...Actually, if that works, it'll be fucking hilarious, regardless of which one of us gets fucked up."

"Yeah." Mokou grins back.

"My plates should work." Futo decides.

...I take out Fairy Harp, and pluck the little strings.

twing

…

"You're gonna get _run over_." Kaguya just addresses me with dismay.

Suddenly, along the backstage scaffolding, four orbs drift down. Between them-

Vzt! A screen formed, shimmering as the orbs floated unevenly in the air.

"This thing on…?" On the other side of the screen, Aya taps it. "He~y! Anyone hear me?"

Some of us get ready to reply, when-

"Yeah- yea- ye- he- yea-"

Oh god, all the other teams had the same idea! The echo is real!

Aya jerked her head back, and pressed something off screen. The audio cut for a moment, before resuming.

"...Okay." She grins. "Guess that's settled. You guys're muted, though. I'm one of the judges!"

"She would be." Mokou voices everyone's sentiments.

"This camera's here for you all to watch the performance without ruining the anonymity!" Aya smiles at the camera thing. "Right now, we've got the… Fluffle Choir… versus the Big Bad Bosses. So, yeah!" She turns away from the camera, allowing it to drift away from herself and into the air over the two stages. The area between the stages was empty, and it seems like a shimmering barrier was erected along the edges of this large square.

Basically it's a freakin' battle arena disguised as two concert stages.

The camera drifted through the barrier, and observed the two bands getting on stage…

First, we got to see what must be the freakin' Fluffle Choir. Literally just fluffles. Two walked onto stage with a tambourine, one walked on with a flute, and two came with nothing.

Then-

Bam! Bam! Two giant grand pianos fell from above, landing on opposite ends of the stage and shattering to pieces.

"no~!" The two fluffles wailed at the broken pianos.

...Good.

Then, the camera pans to show the Big Bad Bosses gettin' on stage. I got no idea who the frik that'll be.

...A gap opens. Yukari and Yuyuko drift out of it at two different trajectories, Yukari dressed in a kimono similar to Yuyuko's, except pink, and with the need to address her legs.

Fwoom! Fwoom!

Two pillars of flame erupt at opposite ends of the stage. When they die out, one contains Mima, and the other has this woman with a red dress and silver hair…

...Is-is that Shinki? Like, that ultra powerful one that made her own goddamn demon realm?

Once I take my eyes off Shinki, I notice a big pink flower bulb begin growing on the stage. Once it reaches full size- like ten feet tall- it folds open, and Yuuka climbs out, fully dressed in her regular attire.

Woo~sh…

The wind blows ominously, before it convenes in a thick tornado to the right of Yukari. It becomes opaque for a moment, and when it fades, Kanako is floating in the center, with her legs crossed.

Well.

I don't think even the Prismrivers can handle _this_ band. If it's even a band and not just an asskicking curbstompmania party.

Good luck, Fluffle Choir! You'll freakin' _need it_.

"What the _fuck..._ " Kaguya's mind equals blown.

The screen blares again. "Everyone! Give a big round of applause to our two bands, The Big Bad Bosses and The Fluffle Choir!"

...The audience kinda golf claps.

...Yukari looks around, pouting. "Awwh. No one's excited to see us…"

"I wonder why." Stepping forward, Yuuka folds her arms. The pink bulb behind her slowly retracts into the wooden floorboards.

"This is the human village, right?" Shinki spoke quite articulately. "...If so, then it'd only be natural."

"We don't need their applause, anyway." Mima rolls her eyes at the crowd. "...I thought this was a fighting tournament. Why the hell're there music banners?"

Pivoting to face her, Yukari giggles. "Oh, but it is! It's a fighting tournament concert! Concert fighting tournament…?"

"...Ah." Mima nods slowly, looking unamused.

"You'd think they'd at least be excited by _me_ …" Kanako looks around at the crowd with a flat expression.

Gaps open above all six of them, dropping guitars. They all flawlessly clutch them as they fall out.

Lifting her guitar up, Yukari twirls it on one finger. "We're all playing bass!"

Yuyuko holds her guitar upside down. "What kinda game's bass…?"

...The camera pans over to the fluffles again.

...Gingerly, the fluffle who used to have a flute looks around. What happened to his flute? Did it-... did it _eat it?_ The tambourine fluffles next to it are gnawing on their instruments, trying to fit them into their significantly smaller shell nose.

The piano fluffles have taken to hiding inside of their shattered pianos. "hoh honh hoh honh"

"Concert _start!_ " Aya gives the go-ahead for the battle to commence!

…

…

A small racket of string sounds comes from Yukari's side, as they all fool with the bass guitars. They sound kinda like they're electric, but they're not plugged into anything.

"Hmm…" Yuuka lifts hers up like a ukelele, and strums away at it.

 _bwo~ng-bwo~ng-bwo~ng_ …

The fluffles put their tambourines on the floor, and bend over, smacking their faces into them. Tiny spread shots of danmaku extend out, inching towards the women…

Crack! Crack!

The pianos stand up, each apparently sprouting four stick-like legs.

Cla-clack! Cla-clack! Cla-clack!

Now the pianos are shooting their keys at them, one by one.

"Is… that the opposing band?" Shinki furrows her brows, looking at the fluffles.

"Mmhmm." Yukari hums confirmation. "They're fluffy, apparently."

"...Apparently." Shinki slowly drifts out of the way of one of the tan bullets unleashed by the tambourines.

Yuuka leisurely begins walking towards the edge of the stage. She tries to step off, towards the opposite stage, but-

Ti~ng! A red barrier makes itself present, pushing her back slightly.

"...I see how it is." She looked up at it for a moment, before looking down at her guitar. "...Let's see…"

She held her hand out. "Master Spark."

Nothing happened.

...Bringing up her bass guitar, she tore her arm across the strings enough to rip the strings off entirely, causing the poor instrument to screech from wherever it was makin' noise. "Master Spark!"

Vrrrr~!

A bright, yellow laser extended out to rip into the opposite side.

It hit the rightmost tambourine fluffle, vaporizing-

Bam! Holy _shit!_

I look to my right, and see that the spark ripped through the stage itself and tore into the right curtain divider for our booth.

"Hawawawa~!?" Futo leaps away from it, flailing her limbs.

"Holy…!" Mokou tenses up.

"Eh-ah!?" Kaguya also tenses up!

...Within moments, the laser fades. With the divider gone, we can see that the team next to us i~s…

...It's some fluffles, again. These ones are dressed up as the Prismriver sisters, complete with tiny floating instruments.

They're just standing in line, not reacting to anything. There's some orbs for a screen in their booth, but they're not paying attention to it.

...Stepping forward, Futo looks out the hole, and at the stage. "...Wo-wow."

Yukari rolls her eyes. "...I don't mind if you go all out, but please, conserve the instruments. There's only three hundred more like these that I know about."

...Yuuka takes her now ruined bass guitar, and-

 _Scree~ch!_

...She crushed it with her _hands_. Like, one hand at each far end, and just smooshed it like a can. Sparks flew from between her hands, bouncing off her shirt, but she didn't seem affected.

"Please." Kanako slowly drifted ahead, to be right before the barrier as well. "Let me show you how to please a crowd…"

Adjusting herself, so that she can play in a relaxed position, Kanako begins strumming some kinda melody that might sound more eastern if actually played on just a stringed instrument. Not on, y'know, an electric _bass_.

Fwash! Suddenly, a gust of thick, blue danmaku bullets roars out. Like, the _big boys_. They're-

Fwash! Two!? Two lines of this stuff-

Fwash! Oo~h, now that's just overkill…

Fwa-fwa-fwash! Literally just a random cluster of giant blue fuck-you bullets. Oo~f…

...When they all pass the fluffle's side, the only ones remaining are the pianos, because they're freakin' tanks.

The keys they're firing don't seem to be danmaku, but they just pitter off the women harmlessly anyway, it seems.

"This is the power of a _goddess._ " Kanako makes a smug face, closing her eyes as she focuses on playing the bass like it were a freakin' ancient Japanese instrument…

Twa-twa-twa-twa~ng!

Yuyuko flails her arm across the strings wildly! Butterfly-shaped bullets drift outward in curvy lines…

Mima let her guitar drift outward from herself…

Fwoom! She ignited it for some unholy reason.

...Yukari sighed. "It _is_ rather droll that our opponents are simply…" She looks over at the standing pianos, which were slowly being pushed back by the barrages of bullets. "...Simple."

A gap opens before Yuuka, and another guitar is granted to her.

...Yuuka reels her arm back, and tosses the guitar like a hand axe over towards the pianos.

Cra- _boom!_

The bass guitar became an explosion of electricity as it struck the piano. The blast reduced the piano to a buncha tiny pieces, with the fluffle nowhere to be seen…

Yukari snorted.

" _Aerora!_ " Kanako yelled!

An opaque tornado generated around the final piano-

 _Cru~nch_ …

When the wind settled, the piano was like, _trash compacted_. Holy fuck.

…

Most of them are still flailing wildly with their instruments, getting a feel for them.

"Well…" I hear Rinnosuke! He must be in the judge's podium place. "It seems the victory goes to… Big Bad Bosses."

"Yeah…" Aya isn't sure what to add.

"...Should we even grade style?" Akyuu spoke, too. "Because, uhm…"

"Nah." Aya decided. "...This round goes to the Big Bad Bosses!"

Cue the golf clap!

...Yuuka turns to Yukari, glaring. She just gives her a shrug.

"Was that it…?" Shinki yawned. "We probably should have practiced, or something. I didn't think we'd just get thrown in."

"Oh, we'll have time…" Yukari looked at the camera. "We'll have our time."

The camera went out, the screen going blank.

…

"We just get more and more screwed, don't we?" Kaguya turned to me, frowning. "I blame you."

I nod. "Blame accepted, friend." Wahaha!

"Bitchin' about it's not gonna do anything." Mokou did some lil stretches… "At the very least, we gotta have some ideas how to pump out bullets."

"I still think we should mutilate each other." Kaguya seems to be really behind that whole tearing each other apart idea…

"My plates are all I need for proper performing, when push comes to shove." Futo smirks. "That, and a little magic."

"I can do _this!_ " Ha-chan eagerly drifts up to me, and begins flapping her wings with my arm in the way.

Ti-ti-ti-ti-tick! Aww~h…

...Lookin' down at Fairy Harp… I wonder if we could use the other hangers as instruments.

Time to casually suggest that! "Yo- I got a lotta hangers. Why don't we, like, use them all as instruments?" Probably by casting random shit!

"What- we just gonna smash them together?" Mokou snarks. "Not a much better idea than Futo with her plates over there."

"He-hey, my plates have artistic value." Futo actually defends the idea of smashing plates together to create bootiful music.

Awh, artistic value… "Yo, my hangers're freakin' _magic_. When ya bang 'em together, they go like, 'fwoosh'! And 'kabam'!" I stress their importance by making my arms expand outward with each sound effect!

"...That _could_ work." Yo~, Kaguya is seriously contemplating my idea!

The screen orbs lit to life, and so did the screen! I looked over at the hole in the wall, but it seems that some stuff's just been moved in the way. After scannin' the air, I think it was Merlin who left it there, since she was just floating away…

"Heya~h!" Aya unleashed her mating signal! "Round two of the guest performances starts now! Who's excited!?"

The crowd kinda cheers. Sorta.

…

Aya slumps over on her booth, loudly tipping her microphone over.

Rinnosuke is stoic, sparing her a brief glance. "Anyway… up next, we have The Fluffle Ensemble versus The Fluffle Sisters."

The audience murmurs, not entirely enthused.

"...We trust you that this marks the end of most of the fluffle ballots." Rinnosuke gauges the audience's displeasure, giving them a patient smile. "Please bear with us. Snacks are available at the stalls."

...The people move towards the snack stalls in response.

Let's see~, who are our contenders…

A door opens in the stage wall near my booth. We see it open through the absent curtains to our right, only one of the two sliding doors working 'cause of Yuuka's spark.

Snapping to life, the Prismriver-esque fluffles floated into the air and drifted out the door, through the one that did slide outta the way.

Back on screen, the Fluffle Ensemble is visible. They're just… fluffles. Unarmed ones.

It only takes moments for them to take tiny steps into position.

…

"A~nd…" Aya doesn't sound terribly excited. "Go."

…

"Waaa~l…!" The fluffle at the head of the Fluffle Ensemble begins waa~ling.

"Waa-waa-waa~l…!" Its friends join in. "Wa-wa-wa-waa~l!"

Across from them, the Fluffle Sisters or whatever they were called begin playing their instruments…

It's a mishmash of disappointing notes, violin screeches, and random horn blaring. Like… that violin is crying out in pain. It's being _ravished_.

"Wa-wa-wal… wa-wa-wal… wa-wa-wa...wa-waaa~l…" The lead fluffle of the freakin' fluff symphony orchestra does some soft noises.

...The fluffles behind it begin randomly shifting, except for the one on the very left. "honh honh… hoho _honhonh_ "

The one on the very left opens its mouth- " _Aaaaaaa~h!_ " Woa~h that's loud…!

A cone of thick, red danmaku bullets just sprays out like a shotgun spread. As the bullets expand and just _wash away_ the Fluffle Sisters, I notice a maelstrom of tiny red bullets of all shapes and sizes inside.

...Once all the bullets are gone, the Fluffle Sisters are no more.

"...I~ guess the Fluffle Ensemble wins!" Aya exclaims!

The audience claps. Like, legit; it's not much better than a golf clap… but it's a real clap. I guess people were impressed by the freakin' cheese strat. That, or the volume.

The fluffles wave their fins as they turn around and walk back into their door.

"...Well, then." Futo stared at the screen thoughtfully as it powered down again. "We'll simply have to watch for that, should we ever compete against those dust constructs."

"And bring earplugs." Kaguya remarks, before turning to me. "You've any ear plugs in that bag of crap, there?"

I shake my head. "Unless you count shards of glass, friend."

She snorts. "Yes, actually. If we rupture ours first, they won't be able to. Fucking brilliant."

Honh honh.

...Anxiously, Mokou does some more stretches. "U~gh… why don't we have any chairs back here? Seriously just a fuckin' screen and a patch 'a dirt?"

...Do I have a chair in this bag somewhere? Maybe.

...I got no freakin' clue. Note to self: steal more chairs.

Reachin' in at random, I pull ou~t…

Ooh! A blanket, dude!

Since I'm already toasty, I toss it over at Ha-chan, draping it over her…

She slowly crouches under it, before it envelops her completely. "A-aa~h! I'm trapped!"

...As I grin at her, I'm reminded! Didn't I steal from that carpenter guy once!? I think I righted that wrong by giving him some shit from Eientei in exchange. Yea~h… and Reimu freakin' helped me.

Reaching in and knowing what I want, I manage to pull out… a chair!

"Yo ho ho~!" I gotcha the good shit, Mokou! "I got you covered!"

She smirked. "Well, aren't _you_ prepared? Gimme that shit."

Lifting up the wooden chair, I motion to toss it at her, and do so. The throw's kinda meh since y'know- freakin' chair- but she grabs it pretty easily anyway in spite of its weight.

Slamming it on the ground, its back facing us, she rotates around to sit on it backwards, resting her arms on the back of the chair.

Futo turned to me, eyebrow raised. Then, she makes a request! "Thou havest the ability to dispense chairs? Dispense some for me!"

"Need a dispenser, here." Kaguya smirked at me.

Freakin'... did I even take three chairs? Considering it was an entire carpentry shop, probably… there _were_ a lot of tables. I was mostly proud that I stole an entire arsenal of tables, even if two thirds of them went to making that furniture ship awhile ago. Yeah, in that case, I should _totally_ have two more chairs to spare.

Reachin' into my bag of tricks, I- ooh… I end up pulling a table out halfway.

Kaguya sighed. "No, no. _Chair_. They look like this." She points at the chair I took out earlier. Freakin'...!

That's it, yo. I take out the table entirely. "Oh, what, you mean _this_ isn't it?"

Kaguya walks up to the table, and sits on it. "...On second thought, it works." She scoots over, and pats the wood next to herself.

Approaching casually, Futo promptly seats herself next to her. "...Not what I might define as comfortable, but I suppose this will suffice."

...Couldn't you've just made a boat and sat in it!? Or- better yet… just made a chair? Can you do that with plates? How does this strange _plate magic_ work…?

The screen flashes to life!

"Heya~h!" Aya opens the portal to hell. "The next guest performance is right now! And it'll be starri~ng…" She looks down at her paper, for a brief moment. "Frost Nine and Noise!"

Callin' it right now, Frost Nine is Cirno. Who the frik is Noise, though?

The camera pans to the stage, allowing us to see the teams as they get ready!

Cirno's team- yeah we all saw that comin'- is comprised of herself, Rumia, Wriggle, and Daiyousei. There's some sunflower fairies, too, but… they're cuddly.

Cirno has a whistle, and a guitar. Oh, boy…

Rumia has both arms outstretched fully, holding two tambourines.

Wriggle's on drums, looking about as worried as he or she usually looks. Yeah, I can't be arsed to tell which gender it is at the moment…

Daiyousei's on a harp! What kinda freakin' instrument composition is this…?

The sunflower fairies have only their sunflowers. Awh.

Across from them, is uh…

Wolfmen, all with guitars. Just freakin'... six wolfmen. It's the battle of the blockheads, yo.

"Hehehey, look, it's some fuckin' fairies." The wolfman in the front steps forward. "...Let's make this _quick!_ "

He charges forward-

Ti~ng! The barrier sends him back, and onto his bum.

Cirno darts up to the barrier, and brings her hands up to her ears. "Ha ha~h! Stupid wolf people!"

"Ghh…" He grits his teeth. "I'll melt you!"

Aya eagerly commences the violence! "A~nd… perform!"

Cirno immediately begins darting left and right like a freakin' racecar, whistling irritatingly the entire time. It seems to let her spam tiny icicle shots, too.

The frontmost wolfman retaliated by just throwing his guitar through the barrier.

Cla~ng! It hit the ground between the two stages 'cause he threw it at a downward arc. Good job.

The wolfmen all had a curious variety of appearances. The dude in front had an actual wolf head, while the supporting guys didn't… which actually isn't entirely new, a lot of the generic wolfmen I see are like, freakin' freaks. Random parts are wolfy!

...One guy just looks dead, though. Literally, the dude's missing an eye, and he's only got some ripped up trousers on, leaving exposed, sickly fur and torn flesh to the world.

I point at the screen. "Doesn't that one guy look freakin' dead?"

Futo shrugged. "Mayhap simply a zombie wolfman."

Oh. Yeah, simply a zombie wolfman. Apparently.

Two of the wolfmen just dropped their guitars, and ran towards the barrier with the intent to break the barrier itself. "Ragh!"

Ti-ti~ng!

They were thrown back hard enough for them to stumble halfway back to where they started.

...Not entirely certain what to make of them, Daiyousei snorted. "Uh-uhm… do we start playing, Cirno-chan?"

Cirno stopped on a dime, turning to Daiyousei. "Yeah!" She went from zero to sixty, again.

The icicle danmaku drifted into the wolfmen, but they simply bared their teeth and ate the pain, it seems.

Rumia shakes her hands, making the tambourines shiver. She takes great care to not move her arms, apparently…!

Golden, yellow bullets slowly drift from the tambourine, and gravitate towards the stage.

Daiyousei plucks the harp…

Twi-twi-twi~ng!

Yellow kunai shoot out, moving straight for the frontmost wolfman.

Wriggle wails on the drums. Not in the awesome way, mind you, he- she-... it seems to just be making freakin' noise.

Bam-badoom-bam-boom-boom-tss~h!

Blue and yellow danmaku spins out from the drum, moving forward in a pretty but kinda shitty pattern. Like, _I_ could dodge that, that's how few bullets are being produced.

One of the generic wolfmen clenches his fist. "...Bitch on the tambourines! This is fer _you!_ " Crouching momentarily, he lifts his guitar, and tosses it like a freakin' tomahawk.

Rumia lazily drifts out of the way.

Cla~ng! The guitar explodes into parts against the back wall of Frost Nine's stage.

"I'll crush you!" The other generic wolfman lifts his guitar, and snaps it in half.

Vrrrr~! A thin, green laser extends from the broken guitar.

"Wawawa~!?" Cirno barely veers out of the way of it. It connects with the back of the stage, but doesn't come close to burning through it like Yuuka's spark.

The leading wolfman used growl! "Grr~h…"

"A-ah…!" Daiyousei, despite being an entire stage away, is intimidated!

He turns to his companions, mildly flinching as Daiyousei's kunai just drilled into his chest. "We gotta return fire to these bitches!"

One of the two generic ones flails an arm. "How!? Those otha' bitches made it so we had to use these stupid little axe things!"

...Grinning, the lead wolfman turns to the guy who looks like he got thrown under a bus. "Hey, Masashi. You got any shit for this?"

...The sickly wolfman looks over at him with a pained, uneven expression. Then, he begins shambling towards the barrier between the stages.

Icicles, kunai, and even some of Rumia and Wriggle's bullets intercept the shambling youkai, but he seems to ignore the bullets. Jittering with danmaku energy, he eventually reaches the barrier.

Ti-ti~ng! He threw his arms up onto it, to support himself. With this posture, he was basically hanging his head low as his arms kept him balanced on the physical barrier itself.

"Wh-what's that one doing…?" Wriggle looked at his companions, unsure.

...Where the hell did those sunflower fairies even go?

...Oh! It took me a moment. They're in the back of the stage, making very translucent beams with their sunflowers in the air, like little search lights. As kinda pretty as that is, they're not helping the cause!

The sickly wolfman brought his head up-

" _Bwaaugh!_ "

His torso rippled as he expelled green and red danmaku from his wide mouth, red lasers and thick green bullets roaring out in a thin cone.

"Wha~!?" Cirno flailed her arms, hardly having time to react before she was caught in the middle of it.

"Ah-ah!?" Rumia was enveloped, too.

"Cirno-cha~n!" Daiyousei wailed!

Stumbling back, the wolfman had blood running down his chin. Within moments, however, he violently threw himself at the barrier-

Ti~ng! You know, all things considered, Yukari probably made that barrier herself, or something. I don't think hitting it's ever gonna work…!

He stumbled back, and threw his body at it again-

Ti~ng! Ti~ng! Ti~ng!

He's determined, you gotta give him that!

...Once the bullets were mostly gone, Cirno was left spinning in the air. Rumia was back on the floor behind her, looking blown away.

"Aww~h…!" Daiyousei whined, looking like she was slowly losing all hope in everything ever. "Ru-Rumia-chan! You can't just give up now!"

She plucked at the harp again- a little better than before. This time, a white stream of particles extended into the air.

It whirled around their end of the stage loudly, making stupid loud chiming noises.

Di-di~ng, _di-di~ng_ … vrooo~!

Fwa~sh! Their entire band flashed white for a moment.

"Eye'm the _stronge~st!_ " Cirno began flailing wildly!

...Rumia began to sit up, before taking to the air again.

"Wo~w…" Wriggle looked at his hands. "That was great, Dai-chan!"

"Re-really…?" Daiyousei looked around, confused and frazzled.

Meanwhile, mister dead eyes over on the wild side...

Ti~ng! Ti~ng! Ti~ng! Kr-krik…

It seems he tried smashing his arm into the barrier, and just outright _broke it_. His arm, I mean. It's bent at a ninety degree angle, now. What the frik.

Ti~ng! And the dude's still going! The madman!

The lead wolfman was getting pissed, though. "Rea~gh!"

Reeling his arm back, he pounded it into the floor-

Boom! A green shockwave expanded outward. Two thick, emerald bullets came out… and flew straight up into the air. Yeah, nice aim.

Ultimately, there was either silence, danmaku noises, or freakin' yells and growls. This is my jam, yo.

"So- uh~m…!" Aya spoke up abruptly, her voice projected by her microphone. "That's… enough music, guys! We'll judge you, now!"

That's how you _know_ a band is good, yo. When the judges have to cut in and tell you to stop playing.

...The wolfmen look over at her, one of them holding the broken top of his guitar, the rest dangling by the freakin' strings.

"We got this!" Cirno floats high above her band, punching the air rapidly. "We're the strongest!"

...The judges look back and forth at one another.

"Well…" Akyuu began. "Th-the fairies played actual music, sort of…"

At that, Rinnosuke looked contemplative. "...It seems so. In terms of damage, they seemed to have both traded blows, for the most part."

"...Can we just give it to the fairies?" Aya declared. "I, uh… don't think anyone would… understand… the other band's style."

The wolfman rose his fist into the air. "What're you saying!? Fight me, tengu!" He menacingly stepped towards the barrier between offstage and onstage, and tried to engage it.

Ti~ng! If that didn't work the first ten times…

"Yeah- later." Aya waves his threat off. "You guys in agreement?"

Rinnosuke nods. "I agree with that."

Akyuu also nods. "Mmm. Sorry, Noise, your style was just, uhm… too chaotic."

"I'll show _you_ chaotic!" Swinging his broken guitar like a flail, one of the generic wolfman flung it at the judges-

Ti~ng! Guys- the barrier's right there. It's not going anywhere!

Aya stared at them dryly. "...C'mon guys. Take this like men."

" _Men!?_ " The lead wolfman's eyes widened. "We're wolves! Tengu bitch!" Triggered, yo.

Aya gained a strained grin. "I said get off the stage!"

"Make us!" The wolfmen began cracking their knuckles!

"That's it…" Aya got off of the judging stand, to the dismay of her co-judges, who reached out to try and stop her.

The screen abruptly cut off. Awwh.

...Idly, I look over at my bandmates. Ha-chan's gotten comfy under that blanket, Kaguya and Mokou are both seated and bored-looking, and Futo's checking over a plate, for some reason…

"Looks like that ice fairy actually advanced." Mokou commented, staring into the black screen.

"It'd be a bigger surprise if those barbarians did." Kaguya retorted. "They were completely musically inept, and they had actually brought guitars."

Yeah. So far, only the fairies have tried to be an actual freakin' band. I bet all those people outside want their money back!

...I step towards Ha-chan. She's lying on the dirt floor, under that blanket I threw on her.

"Takin' a dirt nap?" I grin at her.

She nods! "Yeah!"

Sleepin' with the fishes, yo.

...Soft thuds are made audible from the other side of the stage wall, which is probably the sound of Aya demolishing wolf people. That also makes me realize something… what makes those wolf people different from wolf tengu? I guess discipline and genes… and the fact that those wolfmen youkai are kinda just a mishmash of random shit and not like, actual tengu.

"Groa~h!" We hear a thud that is not so soft. No one seems to react to it, though… aside from me lookin' in the direction of the frikmania.

"Ooo!" Ha-chan gets up, gingerly folding the blanket off herself before she actually raises from a sitting position. "Can we _clap!?_ "

"...Sure." If you want, friend. "Nothin' in the rules against clapping, yo."

"Yea~h!" Ha-chan is unnecessarily hyped about this development.

Kaguya smirks. "Are spinal cords an instrument?"

Freakin'... "How the frik am I supposed to know?" Considering that one wolfman barfing his organs out was considered musical enough to generate danmaku, I'd imagine the cracking of bones and frik would do it, too.

She scoffs at me. "What good _are_ you?"

I turn the insult on her! "Playin' Smash 4, yo."

...She just rolls her eyes. Hyonk, hyonk!

"I should have clarified." Kaguya backtracks a little. "What _do_ you know?"

Nope, nope. You killed it, dude. "Get owned."

...She's not sure what to make of that response!

"If I knew it was gonna take a fuckin' year for us to actually get called for anything, I woulda bought pretzels or somethin'." Mokou grumbled in her chair…

...Kaguya looked over at her, quickly forming a grin. "You know, I could fix that for you."

She knows exactly what her fellow immortal has in mind, though. "Yeah, yer right. Lemme turn _you_ into a pretzel." Mokou begins to get up-

 _Cra~sh!_

We jump!

Turnin' to Futo, we notice a lane of plate shards scattered in front of her. She seems to have constructed a freakin' tower of just plates… and also managed to get it molested by gravity.

"Sard…" Futo tilts her head back 'n' forth, her brows furrowed.

What Mokou said has got me thinking. I really, _really_ would like a giant sugar covered dough pretzel...

The screen flickers to life again!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: SANAE'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Woa~h. Something feels kinda weird… but not anymore. Huh. Guess I'm a little nervous...

Aya is back in the judges stand, slightly scuffled. I heard her fight with the wolfman from out here, and I'm pretty sure they were on the opposite stage, too...

"...You didn't have to do that, you know." Rinnosuke sighed, staring at her with vague dismay.

"We~ll, y'know…" She stretches her arms a bit. "You get a little stiff sitting in one place too long."

The camera pans back over to the stage, which is now empty of stuff and things!

"Alri~ght!" Aya suddenly yells into the microphone again! "It's time for another round! We've gotten most of the _trash_ contestants out of the way!"

Wo~w. That's a rather blunt way of putting that…

Suwako-sama giggles at that.

...I take a moment to look around my booth. What if we're called up _next_ …?

Suwako-sama will be on drum duty. Her drum's got these blue and brown and green decorations! I've got this really cool green guitar, Hina has a mint green piano guitar… thing, and the harvest gods both have flutes.

I think we're ready!

"Our next contestants will be~..." Aya looked down at her paper. "...Native Faith! A~nd…"

O-oh, Gods, it's us, it's us, it's _u~s!_ "Eeee~!"

Suwako-sama turned to me! "Hehehe! Someone's excited…!"

...O-oh!

Putting my legs together, I steel my posture! I've got to focus...! My band's counting on me!

"Go-good luck, everybody…" Hina holds up her keytar, giving us a delayed, timid smile. Awwh…

"Yeah! Best luck!" Minoriko gives us all a warm smile. "We'll get a lot of faith this way!"

Shizuha snorted. "Of course you'd say that."

"Yeah, I would." Minoriko pounced on yet another chance to push her fellow goddess' berserk button. "They love me! Some of them!"

...She tilts her head. "Not… a lot of harvest actually happens, though…"

...They keep alluding to that, now and then. What do they mean by that? I'm not about to press, though, 'cause Suwako-sama doesn't seem bothered by it- and I don't wanna be rude, or anything. Either the village folk are bad farmers… or something weird is happening!

Her fellow goddess grins, though. "Well, they _think_ you're doing something, anyway. Meanwhile I actually _do_ things…"

...You paint leaves warm colors, and kick them down from trees. I don't think most humans would know or care that you do that.

I look back at the screen, and see Aya discussing things with Akyuu…

"What the hell does _this_ mean?" She's trying to speak with a hushed tone, but the microphone's picking it up alright. "Untitled Band Twenty? Is- is it supposed to look like that?"

Akyuu sighs. "That's uhm… you should go ask that band for their name. In the meantime just- just call up another band…"

...With that, Aya repositions herself correctly in her seat, and speaks into the mounted microphone on her stand. "...Sorry for the interruption! The second band performing in the guest exhibition is Lustful Love!"

Oo~h! I wonder who that could be!

The wall before us slides out of the way, making me realize that the scaffolding left it exposed for a reason. Ooo~...!

I'm the first to step out, with my goddess bandmates behind me. The fog from the door opening dissipates, and we get to see the stage firsthand…

...The crowd claps as we get on stage! Yea~h! We're already doing better than the last six bands!

Across from us, I can see our rival band emerging from a door on the far right of the opposite stage…

...Wh-what are they… what _are_ those outfits!?

Five scantily clad women confidently step onto the stage, dressed in-in… black, so-sorta ornate… fe-fetish clothing…

Suwako-sama whistles! "Wo~w! They're putting Kanako's to shame!"

Yo-you're not helping, Suwako-sama~!

She looks over at me, grinning. "...You look a little red, Sanae-chan."

"I-I don't!" I fold my arms! "...An-and if I do, it's because the-their outfits are…outra-"

"Good looking?" Suwako-sama slips in a suggestion.

He~y… "Suwako-sama~..."

...The other goddesses position themselves around us. Our amps and stereos float in behind us, each goddess carrying theirs with their respective levitation spells. Hina brought a _really_ big amp, for some reason. It's bigger than me!

"Just relax, Sanae-chan." Suwako-sama gives me some actual advice. "Don't let their costumes distract you. Pretend they're in their underwear!" _Al-almost_ actual advice…

As the audience's cheering starts to subside, I plug my guitar into the amp Hina brought, which is plugged into the speakers the harvest gods brought.

Looking over at the speakers, I see- why are there so many speakers!?

A row of twelve person-sized, wooden speakers sit in the back. I didn't even see those float out. Wha~t…

...I look over at Suwako-sama, and her drums are suddenly there. I wish I knew how to do those things… she probably shorthand-casted some kind of complex summoning ritual just to teleport it twenty feet.

...I give my guitar a practice strum-

 _Vrru~m_ …

Oww~...

"He-hey, hey, hey!" I hear Minoriko shout over at me. "I haven't adjusted the levels yet! Hold it!"

Wh-why are they all on already!?

A face across from us on the opposing stage grabs my attention. That's… hey!

"Koakuma~!" That's so cool! It's awesome that she's in something like this, too! "Hey, Koakuma~!"

...The other girls around her turn to her, furrowing their brows and pointing at me. Koakuma scoffs, and gives me a dismissive single wave.

...Really? Oh, well. Guess it's the peer pressure… the girls she's with look like typical popular school girls… except up to eleven, and they've all got huge- yeah…

Oh! They're all _succubi_ , aren't they!? Oo~h…

Everything makes sense now.

...Koakuma's friends have lilac, black, purple, green, and pink hair. They've all got similar bat-like accessories- body parts, I mean- like hers. Except for the lilac-haired one. She's got these _big_ wings… she reminds me more of like, a dragon, or something. Her wings and tail are maroon, and she's got two big horns on her head…

She catches me staring, and looks into my eyes.

She winks.

O-oh, Gods…

" _Sanae-chan_." Suwako-sama brings me back to the world in an instant. "Just relax. Focus. And, y'know…"

I look over at her.

"Don't look into their eyes." Suwako-sama grins. "You may wanna spam wind magic, 'cause I don't think this is gonna be fair."

...Wh-what do you mean!?

…

Seriously. "What do you mean…?"

Suwako-sama twirls her drumsticks, getting into position and not bothering to further inform me. Suwako-sama~! Now is _not_ the time to pull out that riddle trope!

Poof! Poof! Poof!

The succubus with the dragon-like wings has a microphone materialize in one of her hands. Koakuma gains a guitar, and one of the other succubi gets a… thing. It's like a cylinder, and it has a lot of weird runes on it…

Poof! Poof!

The other two succubi gain peculiar objects, as well. One of them brandishes two navy blue Japanese fans, and the other one holds something reminiscent of a… handle? It _is_ a handle.

An ethereal blue line stretches from the handle, to the door the succubi came out of. She gives it a strategic tug towards our stage…

From the door came three cages. Inside the cages are fairies, munching on chocolate bars…

...One of them- a green-haired one- looks around, still munching on her chocolate bar. "Oh, look. People!"

The other two are too busy eating, but they look. They don't really care, though.

The succubus with the handle pulls on it again, this time pulling them to float along near the back of the stage.

Aya claps. "Alright. Are we all ready?"

O-oh, right, we're supposed to be ready to play! Oh, oh, oh…!

I give my guitar a few practice strums-

Vrr, vrr~...

Sounds good enough!

"Re~ady." The lilac-haired succubus' consent is made audible, her microphone mysteriously projecting her voice.

…

I take a deep breath.

"Ready~!" I yell!

Clapping her hands twice, Aya beams. "Let the performing _commence!_ "

…

…

…

This is like some kinda stand off…!

I look over at the- oh, right, don't look at the eyes! I'll stare at their legs, instead.

...The succubi stay still.

…

Why~? I guess… I'll go first. From what I heard, both bands play the song the other band sets. I was kinda expecting to play along to their song for this first round, but okay.

...I begin with a few simple strums-

Sound blares from the other stage! It's the sound of keyboards on full blast, beginning with some bombastic, loud notes.

That was _totally_ to throw me off my game and make me feel awkward. I'm not gonna let it work, though! Now that I know they're succubi, I know being bullies is just their way of being friendly!

...I think. It'll help me sleep at night when this is all over.

The fairies put down their chocolate bars, and stand up in their stout cages, getting ready.

The cylinder that one succubus brought is glowing, a myriad of colors now suddenly flaring from the runes. It seems to be the thing making their keyboard sounds.

Their vocalist takes to the air, her wings flapping with power. I can see gusts of wind lash against the stage beneath herself…

Guess we'll have to wait to chip into the song they're playing.

The lilac-haired succubus sings into the microphone, once the keyboard noises from the colorful runic cylinder end.

"I~ know you're the wild, _violent_ flame…"

Koakuma chips in with her guitar, playing the base notes of her kin's lyrics.

Huge, person-sized purple bullets rocket out from her in a three stream spread shot, aimed at our entire band, essentially. Once the projectiles get near us, they spread out and become easier to dodge…

Crack! Crack!

Suwako-sama erects some stone pillars to shield herself, since she can't necessarily move the entire drumset.

From the corner of my eye, as I dodge the bright danmaku orbs, I see Koakuma and that one succubus with the fans spin around. Randomly flung purple kunai drift outwards from them, moving towards us.

They don't add that much difficulty, aside from how tiny they are in comparison to the bigger orbs. Like with many low-difficulty danmaku patterns, I just kinda gotta stay where I am. The big bullets aren't actually as big as they look!

At the end of Koakuma's brief replication of the vocalist's notes, the runic cylinder is held like a bazooka by its respective succubus. It blares, lighting up vibrantly again, and-

Fwoo~f…

A pink and maroon cloud of dust rolls out of the cannon, towards our stage…

That's no good!

The vocalist continues. "I~, still smell your smoke, and I can't play straight with your game..."

I strum my guitar in time with Koakuma's. I screw it up a bit at first, but I recover…

Since I'm playing the same notes, I shoot a similar spread of danmaku! Eat giant bullets!

...My own bullets blind me a little as I launch them. Uu~h…

Suwako-sama begins drumming to the beat of their song, sending out slow-moving, brown orbs.

Since she's also shooting, I shoot a little slow so I can actually _see_ the incoming- woah! It's a good thing I did, too! My hair probably ate that bullet… I had to let myself drop to avoid that one. Can't let myself get careless…!

Ominously, the cloud of pink gas begins to roll onto the bottom of our stage…

As Koakuma's guitar segment ends, I shout over the keyzooka's blaring. " _Aeroga!_ "

Fwoosh!

A fierce gale rips out from myself, and moves across the two stages! It pushes the pink and maroon gas cloud back into the succubi, but they don't seem to mind it.

The girl with the fans stops contributing to the danmaku, her spinning now making the gas disperse… out and into the audience. Uh oh.

Once the wind reaches their end of the stage, it makes all the succubi- except the vocalist- stagger for a moment.

Woo~sh!

Wha~t!? The vocalist just _disappeared!?_

Woo~sh!

The vocalist was back where she was before, a powerful gale contained to an invisible column around her.

She follows up with more singing. "That doesn't mean, that I am yours. I'm not a fool, I have a lot to give..."

...It's more like paced talking, really. I expected something that stretched her vocal chords!

Picking up on Koakuma's chords, I mimic her playing as best I can and return as much danmaku as possible.

Quickly, the guitar segment ends again. When the keyzooka flares, I hear the flutes of the harvest gods behind me flare back, sending out streamed white bullets towards them.

Fwoo~f…

More of that gas blooms outward from her keyzooka. I steal a glance at the audience, but they don't seem very different overall…

The judges' stand now has a series of whirlwinds before it, likely generated by Aya.

"In any case, it's up to you, if you can show that you can give mo~re than I got to give!" The vocalist picks it up a bit! Koakuma assists with some curiously string-like notes while her friend sings, adding some sporadically shot scarlet bullets to the pattern.

Once she's finished singing, Koakuma continues to replay her notes, this time with full power. Guess we'll keep going until one of us gets hit by the danmaku… we really need to up our patterns!

The keyzooka unexpectedly blares with bombastic notes! It's also aimed up in the air-

Fwoo~fwoo~f… Fwoo~fwoo~f…

I'm silently hoping that they're just making fog and not some kind of dirty gas…

Twirling my guitar around, I draw a blue pentagram in the air, and with my strumming hand, I send it outward at the vocalist! Maybe I can catch her off guard!

The blue pentagram solidifies as lines of energy, and it spirals towards the lead succubus.

When it nears, she brings her wings in front of herself. The pentagram explodes into energy on her wings, and she promptly retracts them once my attack ends, unaffected.

Wha~t!? That was my heavy attack button, too!

I glance at her eyes. She doesn't let me look away.

"It might be you, or maybe you… my mind is jumping back and forth and up and _do~wn!_ "

My vision wavers for a moment, everything becoming momentarily curvy as she looks like she's pulling me closer… but the distorted sounds of Koakuma's guitar remind me that I have to keep playing.

...My guitar sounds really squealy to me, for some reason! Ju-just keep playing…!

Ow! Oh- oh, right, danmaku- I have to dodge the danmaku! Oh, gods-

"Somebody come, and rescue me…" The vocalist succubus smirks at me. Excitement flares in her eyes. "Before an angel comes to take me round and rou~nd!"

U-ugh…

My body warms up uncomfortably as I strum along to Koakuma's muffled guitar noises. My guitar is loud, and irritates my ears, but I-I have to keep playing…

Their keyboard-like bazooka blares, and Hina's own keyboard blares in contest with it. A dark, murky aura is pulled from me and from the audience as she plays…

The audience doesn't know what to do with itself, between the mist and the murky energy flowing out from them and into Hina.

Gradually, with the energy being pulled from me, my vision returns to normal and my hearing becomes normal again. Woah, woah, when'd all this pink stuff get on the stage!?

"Kanako-sama~!" Too much smog! Need help!

With my exclamation, Kanako-sama comes to my aid! She's sitting with her legs crossed, hovering in the air-

Thi-this fog… my-my legs are getting weak…

The succubus pouts at me. "I only wanted you to, come over here… 'cuz I can think of something for me and you to do~!" 

Suddenly, the caged fairies chip in with backup singing! "I! Only! Wanted! You! Too!"

Kanako-sama claps once.

Woo~sh!

A powerful wind caresses the entire village square, the pink mist blowing away as I slowly descend from the air, and drop onto my knees. Even still, my hands keep playing along to Koakuma's chords as best I can… which is a lot easier since I can hear them, now.

The backup fairies sing to Koakuma's notes, too! "Come over here! With me!"

It seems the wind also got the fog out of the audience… and I-I gotta get my legs moving! Danmaku, danmaku incoming! Move!

Narrowing her eyes at Kanako-sama, the lead succubus continues singing. "If I could have another, 'nother dream… the devil would come _back_ to pick me up with yo~u!"

The accompanying fairies contribute, too. "If I can be! Without, you!" They fire some tiny brown bullets, probably based on their chocolate. They slowly expand outward, doing some confusing circular pattern…

 _Ouch!_ On-one of Koakuma's big orbs hit me… and it didn't hurt as much as I expected, but-

Thwash!

A fierce, lightning fast line of huge emerald bullets rockets out from the lead vocalist, aimed at Kanako-sama.

Woo~sh! Kanako-sama moves so fast she vanishes.

Woo~sh! She reappears, giving the succubus a grin before she vanishes again, desummoning this time.

I stumble my way across the length of the stage to avoid the incoming danmaku, mostly focused on me since the other gods on stage are only launching supporting danmaku.

It's time to get serious!

Strumming along to Koakuma's chords, I send a barrage of ofuda out at them! The cloud of twenty ofuda drifts towards them linearly…

I may not like to toss ofuda as precisely as Reimu, but I can toss so many that it's hard to dodge!

More fairy accompaniment makes itself known! "And I hope you will be, mine, _forever!_ "

The lead vocalist flaps her wings.

Woo~sh!

My-my ofuda…!? She ripped them all up!?

Once the guitar segment ends, more bombastic keyboard notes play from their debuff mist bazooka. With each note, the succubus launches clouds of gas, some aimed at the audience, and some aimed at our stage…

Fwoom! Our stage is very quickly covered in fog _again_. Hold your breath, Sanae! You can do this…!

"Ae-aerora…" I gasp out a spell, trying my best to not inhale what is probably succubus chemicals or something…

Woosh! Woosh! Woosh! Three slow moving orbs of wind generate before me, pushing away the fog around each of them.

Acting quickly, I drift into their small safe zones to avoid the stinky gas.

"Wo-wow…" Hina smiles! "This… smells pleasant." She's still playing and dodging danmaku just fine, despite probably being afflicted by this stuff. I don't think my fellow goddesses will be too affected, since they're less human than me.

"It smells like _crap_." Minoriko makes her opinion known during the silence after the keyboard segment…

The pause ceases, the vocalist picking up again. "I wanna be a girl that has a lot to give. Never caught alone, never shedding tears…"

Thwash! A lightning fast shot of giant emerald bullets heads for me, but I ascend quicker. Ha!

...Which also makes me leave my air bubble, and enter the smog. Ackh…

Squinting my eyes, I focus on wading through the danmaku, and finding time to draw a pentagram in the air…

In doing so, I miss Koakuma's chords, but if this works, I won't care…!

"So I need a woman... who understands every little thing and knows my _fears_ …" Smiling, the vocalist lets Koakuma begin assisting again.

Using my strumming hand, I sent the pentagram out!

It spirals outward, this time towards Koakuma.

 _Thwa-thwa-thwash!_

Once it collides with her, its danmaku energy tears into her three times before it finally dissipates.

"Gufah!?" Koakuma's sent flying into the back wall of the stage!

With her out of the way, I can play her chords for her! Haha! How's _that_ for your stupid horny gas!?

I grin, and- u-ugh, back into the wind, back-

My eyes glance at the lilac-haired vocalist's face again.

She doesn't let me look away, licking her lips.

"It might be you, or maybe you… my mind is jumping back and forth and up and _do~wn!_ "

Oh _Gods_...

Everything blurs momentarily. My eyes strain as I feel like I'm suddenly being brought closer to the vocalist. I hear Koakuma's strings in the background, and the various hums of danmaku, but they've all become muffled, and distant.

I try to look away from the vocalist, but… all around me, all I see is the audience, arranged in a smeared vortex around my vision. I-I… can't look away...

And it feels _so good_.

My hand idly strums my guitar-

 _Screee~!_

Now it's _very_ squeaky… it'd be really nice if I stopped playing.

I try to float in the vortex, the blurry, barely visible lights of danmaku visible within it, but I can't tell where anything is coming from, and where I'm going.

"Somebody come, and rescue me…" The vocalist succubus smirks at me. Excitement flares in her eyes. "Before an angel comes to take me round and rou~nd!" The details of her face are clear, as if my eyes zoomed in like a camera on her.

Ow- ow! Danmaku's hitting me, somewhere!

My eyes zoom back to normal, the vortex around me whirling sickeningly fast as I defocus on her- and now my eyes are zooming again…

Motion sickne~ss…

…

Well, I guess this is the ultimate result of trying to overthrow a succubus idol, or something. Slowly losing my mind to succubus gas in an inescapable vortex of people. Ouch- while getting pelted by danmaku.

 _Screee~!_

And with a _really_ squealy guitar!

Even so… I-I won't stop playing. What… would my bandmates think if I gave up right here!? What would everyone watching think!?

 _Scree-screescreescre-scre-scre-scre~_

Just… keep playing...

Too-too much… it's… too much…

"Aaaa~h!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Jesus Christ, this matchup is like, more exciting than the other three combined!

The camera's zoomed in on Sanae. I dunno what happened, but I think those pheromones are getting to her!

She's basically up in like, the upper right corner of her stage just wailing on that guitar. She's facing the enemy stage, sure, but she's also doing circles in the air and-

Ti~ng! She just bounced off the barrier, again.

She's practically huggin' the guitar as her hands go up and down it with little rhyme or reason. It somehow sounds okay with Suwako's playing in the background and the noises of the freakin'... keyboard bazooka thing.

Her entire body is flushed, her eyes wandering and teeth bared. She looks like she just shit bricks, or saw the world end. The big boom, yo.

The Alma-Elma rip off succubus- and also vocalist- had her jaw dropped.

"I only! Wanted! You! To!" The fairy accompaniment still kept on keepin' on, though!

" _Aaaa~h!_ " Sanae shut her eyes, screaming her lungs out as she kept wailing on that sick guitar solo, yo. Abruptly, she charged forward-

Ti-ti-ti~ng!

She bashed herself into the barrier multiple times. Danmaku flared out from her with little rhyme or reason with each slam.

"Holy shit." Kaguya chuckled… "We… might need instruments."

I shrug. "We'll see, yo." Hopefully Reimu didn't secretly arrange a band or some shit. I thought more would be like the fluff stuffs!

Ha-chan gushes! "She's so _cool!_ "

...Yeah, yo. I wish I was floating thirty feet in the air 'n' spinning around!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: SANAE'S PERSPECTIVE ====

…

" _Come over, here! With! Me!_ " I can still hear the fairies, even if I can't see them… kinda.

"Su-Suwako- _samaaa~!_ " He~lp! I think this cou~nts!

...I see a yellow blur pass my vision.

 _Scree-screescreescre-scre-scre-scre~_

My guitar's still annoying.

How nice would it be… if me and Suwako-sama just stopped playing… and started _playing_ \- no! Stop! Thoughts, leave head!

" _...If I can have another, 'nother dream, the devil would come ba~ck to pick me up with you!_ "

Her voice… I-I…

"Ahn…" I'm melting, here… me-metaphorically, I think!

Ow- ow, ow! Hitting hard surfaces… that might or might not be danmaku shots! I don't know, anymore. I'm _wet_ , and in _pain_ at the same time. This sucks.

"Ou-ow~..." I shut my eyes. Can this stop already!?

They're forced to open. The _lovely_ succubus stares into my eyes, smiling devilishly. "Oh I do hope that the time comes…"

The pain ebbs a little… sh-she's so sexy…

" _I! Only! Wanted! You! To!_ " Shut up, fairies!

"The time comes for me, to have fun!" _She blows me a kiss_.

My hands idly slide on my guitar, sweaty and aching from thrashing against the strings. _Screeee~!_

"I'm talking 'bout a lot of fire!" _She winks at me_.

Wo-wow…

"I'm talking 'bout no getting tired…" She leans forward…

" _Come over here! With! Me!_ "

"Forever and ever."

Ye-yes…!

"Together, forever."

 _Ye~s!_

The loud keyboard notes blare in the background, barely audible.

And then-... "Aah- oh- aauh…!"

...

==== FREAKIN' GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Sanae suddenly stops in the air, like somethin' clicked in her head. Suwako's drifting in front of her, still encapsulated in that bubble of water she summoned to tank danmaku for the miko.

...There's also two Suwakos on stage, right now! I dunno how that's supposed to work! Is that even legal?

The loud music finally stops!

"Fu _waa~h_ …" Sanae lets out a gasp, before dropping from the sky unceremoniously, her guitar falling out of her bloody hands.

One of the harvest goddesses move to catch her midair. I dunno which, they look almost the freakin' same!

...The succubi aren't lookin' so hot. Basically all they got left standin' now are the Alma-Elma knockoff, and Koakuma… 'cept she's holding the keyboard bazooka, 'cause the original succubus that manned it got screwed up. It was this wicked laser Hina shot that did her in, you shoulda _seen_ that shit!

Anyway, everyone's freakin' quiet, now.

…

The crowd applauds after a long awkward silence! Woohoo!

Ha-chan claps, too! "That was ama~zing!"

...The long-lived friks are all in various states of smugness. Mokou's the only one to comment, though. "The way Sanae's hands bled all over her guitar was legit. They _had_ to have practiced that."

...How do you practice something like that?

Not-Alma Elma spoke up, after she staggered around on the stage floor a bit. "Ju-just as I expected… really good."

Suwako gave her a wave and a smile. "You betcha! Grandma didn't raise no quitter!"

"Fufufu…" With that, the Succubus fell to her knees, the danmaku that pelted her getting to her.

All that danmaku the gods unleashed while Sanae was freestylin' was enough to pretty much level most of the succubi. The fairies were spared because their cages had some weird shield system or something, not that it probably mattered.

"Alri~ght!" Aya was pumped! "It's time to judge!"

The crowd begins to quiet down. Honh.

…

"So!" Bringing her hands together, Aya looked back and forth at her co-judges. "Pretty awesome, right?"

Rinnosuke nodded, giving a small smile. "Rather disorganized, but the might displayed was impressive."

...Aya rolled her eyes. "You were staring at their tits the whole time."

"Wh- pft, hey!" Rinnosuke sputters! Wahaha!

Akyuu talks over whatever his rebuttal would be. "The music was pretty good, throughout… in comparison to the previous contestants, at least. The guitar solo, was… _endearing_ , for lack of better terms…"

"Yeah. I can agree with that." Grinning, Aya turned to Rinnosuke again. "So, what's your call?"

"...I'd give Native Faith a three of five in force, and Lustful Love a two of five." Once again, he has become stoic!

"Oh? Only a three and a two?" With a wry expression, Aya tilted her head. "Why's that?"

"Well, Native Faith didn't exemplify remarkable power. The succubi were not very apt opponents, I feel, which led to the match being more of a mess. Were they to fight foes more within each other's element, we'd have seen a better fight." Rinnosuke passes judgement. "...I also don't think the succubi had much stopping power other than that gimmick with the pheromones."

Aya nods. "That seems fair. Things will likely spice up later…!"

Having the moment, Akyuu chips in. "The visuals were also rather messy… but I'll have to give it to Lustful Love on that one, mostly because their danmaku seemed fully thematic and held greatest expression. The fog was also a nice touch… if petty in the end."

The crowd gave a brief, positive murmur.

"...We~ll," Leaning back to stretch, Aya takes a moment to compose herself further, "the music itself was on point in terms of theme. Definitely fit in with the whole succubus theme. I think Native Faith played along to it pretty well. Althou~gh…"

She smirked. "I didn't really appreciate the whole attempt to gas _us_ , over here! We're supposed to be fair and honest!" Heyonk, heyonk, heyonk!

...Lookin' thoughtful, she hums a little. "Hmm. Hmhmhm. Native Faith. That guitar solo sold it for me."

...The judges turn to her like she's mad.

She snorts. "What? You see her bleeding hands? That was awesome! I can write about that! 'Girl Plays Hands To The Bone Winning First Set At Combat Concert'!" ...Fair and honest, that last part ain't.

"Then, that means…" Rinnosuke motions for Aya to finish his sentence.

"Native Faith proceeds onto the next set!" Aya announces! "Good job! Better luck next time, Lustful Love!"

Not-Alma Elma simply snorts. "Indeed…"

Koakuma looks pissed. "Better luck!? _Better lu-_ "

The screen cuts out.

…

"Good…" Mokou let out a sigh of relief. "It would've been fucking embarrassing if we lost to succubuses."

...Disdainfully, Kaguya corrected her. "It's 'succubi', Mokou."

"Yeah, that's what I said." Mokou grins, knowing full well that was not what she said.

"Regardless…" Shiftin' a bit, Futo gave a curious sigh. "I am grateful there'nt need for us to tangle with the obscene." ...She looked away. "They surely... would have taken their time with us, had we been forced to compete."

...Me and the immortals give her a look.

"I-I am not saying such would be desirable!" She suddenly brings her arms up! "Perversion is a great sin!"

Ooh. "I like tits, too." I inform her.

She narrows her eyes at me. "Fopdoodle." Pfft…!

I grin. "Wha' was that 'bout my mom?"

Fwish! The outward curtain to our booth whirled as someone suddenly dashed in!

"Hey!" Aya skidded to a halt in the dirt, looking annoyed. "You dolts never gave us your band name!"

"Oh?" Blinking, Futo looked over at us, before smiling. "...If I may?"

I shake my head. "No."

...Her face slowly shifts into a glare. Freakin' cuddly, dude.

Alright, fine. "What the frik would it be?"

"Mayhaps it be of reference to the good old days of improvised instruments?" Dropping her glare, she smiles again. "Something so serene would most definitely serve to captivate an audience."

...Ho ho. Then it is settled…!

I turn to Aya. "Burlington Fluff."

Kaguya slouches. "Wh-what?"

"Oh, fuck me…" Mokou facepalms.

Futo had a look of creeping existential dread. "Wh… what?"

...I reach my arm out to grab onto Ha-chan, and I softly corral her next to me so I can look friendly. "Our band is Burlington Fluff."

"Okay, thanks!" Aya darts off without so much as a 'see ya'.

…

"This better be _really_ fuckin' worth it." Kaguya menacingly addresses me…! "Or you're gonna be my maid for a fucking week."

I bring a finger to my lip. "Oo~h, master!"

"Nevermind…" Shaking her head, Kaguya looks at the floor. "You're retarded."

Sensing her irritation, Mokou quickly diverts from bashing me, and decides to make Kaguya saltier. "What? Wouldn't you _kill_ for a boy maid? Hell- you killed _me_ for a boy maid before."

"That was different!" Kaguya shouts! "He's not even a boy- he's a…" She looks at my glorious locks and my beard. "...he's a _thing!_ "

Ha-chan furrows her brows. "Brad-kun's a girl." Friend, no.

Mokou smirked, sticking her hands in her pockets. "See? Why not take her advice? I know you've got the makeup to make him look at least _halfway_ like a chick."

...At that, Kaguya tilts her head. "Well- maybe. A chick with a beard. And an ugly face."

"A chick with a stick!" The only way to prevent yourself from feeling awkward in this situation is to make it awkward for everyone, including yourself!

...The immortals just give me disappointed looks. Haha! You have merely _adapted_ to the cringe… I was born in it! Raised in it! Sculpted by it!

"Thou art all _perverse!_ " Futo snarls at us, fluffing up a bit. "All perverse, and _unkempt!_ "

"You're cuddly." I inform her. Yeah, me and social formalities have had it up ta _here_ with each other.

...She just cringes back, looking surprised for some reason. Awwh. Futo really _is_ cuddly.

We're getting stir crazy in here!

The screen flickers to life...

"Alri~ght!" Aya shouts at us through the television beam! Aaa~h! "Are we all ready for round… the next round!?" Pffft. Good announcing.

The crowd cheers!

"Now, then… the next contestants a~re…"

O~h, boy…!

She announces the name bombastically! "The End of The World!"

...Oh, good. Sounds like fun.

Kaguya snorts. "...Sounds edgy."

A neutral murmur comes from the audience…

"...Versus Burlington Fluff." Aya has a dry expression as she reads off the last team.

...Akyuu tilts her head. "Burlington Fluff?"

"Mmm." Nodding, Aya confirms. "Burlington Fluff."

"That's fun to say." Akyuu smiles! "Good luck, Burlington Fluff!"

"...Right." Aya doesn't see what she sees, yo. Ho ho ho…

...The door to the stage before us begins to open! Well, half of it… the other half is still screwed up. Good thing we don't have instruments to haul out!

"This is gonna suck." Kaguya is an optimist.

"Yeah, well…" Mokou tries to counter that, but decides not to. "Probably." Oof.

"Thou shouldst keep a chin up." Futo is somehow the true optimist, here. "If we win this-"

"Against Yukari and her goons?" Kaguya turned to look at her, scowling. "Fat fucking chance."

We step out onto the stage, and the audience cheers! Woohoo~!

"Wo-wow…!" Ha-chan steps halfway behind me. "That's… a lot of people!" ...We were _just_ watching them all on the television-like thing. Although, it does look a lot bigger in person…

Dayum, even I'm a little self-conscious…

"...Fuck. Why'd I even bother…?" Mokou looks sheepish.

Futo claps her hands! "Look at our people! They have come to see _us!_ " Futo's probably got years of public relations under her belt, knowing her. That, or she's just oblivious.

"You mean _me._ " Kaguya smirks, before stepping forward and waving. Then, she projects her voice with more force than I thought she could! "Hello~, my people!"

...Slowly, the crowd ceases to cheer. Honh.

...Kinda wish I brought a disguise… but I kinda already am wearing a disguise. Note to self: need more disguises!

A door to the left a bit on the stage across from us opens, and out co~mes…!

Oh. Oo~h. Oo~h ho ho…

Two fluffles come out from the door, clad in some grey cloth stuff. They slide along the floor, everything but their face inside of some really slick-looking silvery-grey cloth.

Krik-krik-krik-krik…!

...The sound of like a freakin' drawbridge opening is heard coming from their door. Out from the door comes this… wooden _creation_. It has two blocks about five feet apart from one another as its base, and each block has four tiny wheels under it. The blocks have these similarly wooden-looking shafts that extend up into a central one above them.

All three blocks have these orange lights peering out from the middle of their surfaces, making them look like they're sorta on fire, but not.

"...Well, it looks like we're not fucked yet." Kaguya comments offhandedly.

"Haa~ haa~ _haa~ng!_ "

A large, disembodied… sharkhead-like thing with blunt teeth floats out. "Haa~hngh!" It has tiny, beady eyes, and a wide as frik mouth.

Woosh.

Another slick, grey clothed fluffle abomination generates in the air. It has two long, human-like legs that are perched in the air as if it was standing on the side of a stupid steep hill. It also has some grey rifle-like gun, and only the blue decals of the fluffle's eyes are visible through its oddly small helmet.

...From the dark of their room behind them, _someone_ steps out. They're clad entirely in a suit of armor… and it's one hell of a decorated suit! Spikes and shit everywhere! That can't be comfy to move around in…

Their suit is entirely silver, but it doesn't seem to be that friktastic cloth the fluffles like to dress up in.

Fwa~sh!

An immensely flashy sword appears in its hand. Well… kinda a sword? Got no freakin' clue, it's weird! Arches and metal pole bits everywhere! S'more like a futuristic cheese grater.

...So.

That's our opposition. Two slippery fluffles, one who looks like it'll snipe our dicks off, a linkin' log creation gone wrong, a floating teeth gnashing shark head, and a literal lord of edges. 'End of The World', huh…

They also don't look like they came ready to play music!

"...This is to be our opposition?" Futo tilted her head. "...Hmm."

"They don't look like they came to play some tunes…" Mokou cracked her knuckles.

…

Reachin' into my sack, I took out Tundra Bloomer, and took a moment to buff myself. Alri~ght…

"Without further ado~..." Aya looks reasonably skeptical. "...Let the playing commence!"

Yeah, we're gonna play, alright!

Immediately, Mokou and Kaguya run forward to just before the barrier-

Ti~ng! That was the sound of that midair sniper shooting a red diamond bullet, not anyone running into the barrier like an asshole.

"Get that fucking sniper!" Kaguya barks.

Idea! Reaching into my bag, I take out Flame Salvo.

"Yo, Kaguya!" I call out to her!

She turns to me. "What is- geh…" The sniper shot goes through her, blood splatting onto the floor adjacent to her. "Fu-fuck… lu-lucky shot…" She shuts her eyes as she clutches her wound immediately.

Well, shieut. "Here, have this!" I casually toss the hanger at her.

She looks in time to move and grab it. "Fucking…"

...After looking it over for a few moments, she-

Fwoosh! Fire jetted out into the midsection between the two stages.

"...Not bad." She smirks down at the hanger.

"What the fuck!?" Mokou looked down at her hands. "I can't shoot!"

I nod. "You need an instrument, friend." Taking out Deep Blue, I motion to toss it to her. "Catch, yo."

She follows along, and after another brief exchange, Mokou is now armed!

Inputting mana, she makes it-

 _Fwuuu~sh!_

A huge burst of water shoots out, and into the crowd. There's some screams!

"Oh- shit!" She stares out into the audience, wide eyed. "Uhm- sorry! Sorry!"

...I grin at her. She turns to me, aiming the hanger at me-

 _Fwuuu~sh!_

Holy- _agh, damn it!_

Bam! I~... have hit the back of the stage, pinned to it by the water. Ow.

...Peeling off of it, I drop onto my knees, and spit out the water that got into my mouth. Gu~h… not doin' no favors for that audience rating, Mokou…

...Turning to my left, I see Ha-chan still pinned to the wall beside me. Apparently nailed her, too…

Futo casually steps up to us. "I request armament."

Freakin'... "Yo-you have plates." I dispute.

"Yes, but…" She sighs. "Consistency's sake!"

Bloody…

I take out Sharper Than Darkness, 'cause the last time I used that was like a million years ago. "Here. Go nuts."

She takes the dark hanger, and looks it over. "...How crude."

" _You're_ crude." I counter. Frik you~.

...She points the hanger at me, before furrowing her brows. "What does this even _do_ …?"

"It hurts people." I nod at her. "Have fun."

"Wha- but how?" She tries to get more information… but I'm not givin' it ta her! That, and I don't think she can do anything projectile-based with it anyway.

Fwoosh! Kagua sends out a huge jet of flames that only ends at the wall of the opposite stage.

The sniper is caught inside of it pretty readily, and within moments, a weird, pale blue substance splashes out of it as the cloth limply falls to the ground. None of it seems scorched, in the end… except for the fluffle. That thing's long gone!

Fwa-fwa-fwa~sh!

Neon orange lasers stretch from the demented linkin log creation, and bombard Mokou. She catches on fire, but y'know… it doesn't really affect her.

She grins, and points the hanger at the _thing_.

 _Fwuuu~sh!_

Bam! One of the slinky slippery snake fluffle things was caught in the water, too. Man, that jet of water is _powerful_. Some of the particles of water splashed back enough that I could, like, feel a mist in the air. That's some serious propulsion…!

...When the water dies down, spreading across the enemy stage, we see what's left of the stuff.

The fluffle is dead, but the wood linkin log thing? It just slowly peels off the wall, and begins rolling forward a bit again.

The suited dude is just standing there, being imposing. Honh.

...The last fluffle slides forward. Abruptly, it jabs this tentacle-like arm forward-

Ti~ng!

It meleed the barrier. Good job.

Futo makes a plate before herself, and reels her hanger arm back…

She brings it down on the plate-

 _Crack!_

Black and red bullets slowly bloom out from where the plate was struck, and gravitate towards the fluffs. They bombard the snakey mook, and kill the fluffle inside, making the rest of the cloth useless.

"...Huh." She looks over the hanger. "Unique."

...I get off the floor, around the same time Ha-chan gets herself off the wall. Looks like the combat is already almost over!

With nearly all of the opposition depleted, the edgelord walks over to the tinker toy with wheels, and kneels, looking over the forward-most block of wood.

The thing, it speaks! "Makai Surveillance Robot, fire model. Mode seven." ...Can't tell if that's a girl or a dude, or a human's vocal chords at all. Real echoey and uneven.

Suddenly, the wooden blocks all flare a bright orange! The wood shafts between each burn up in an instant, and the blocks all take to the air-

Fwoom! Fwoom! Fwoom!

They launch huge, thick globs of fire at our stage-

Bam! Bam! Bam!

When they land, they spread out into huge fire pools. Futo leaps back, her eyes wide-

" _Aaaa~h!_ " Kaguya's frying tonight!

Mokou is engulfed in flames, which doesn't really matter to her.

...Good thing I hardly moved around! Holy shit!

"Wo~w…!" Ha-chan is mesmerized by the flames.

Sending out her plates, Futo takes to the air for safety…

Fwuush! Water materializes within the polygon of plates she sends around Kaguya's position, dousing the area.

 _Fwuuu~sh!_ Mokou sends another huge stream of water across stage.

It strikes two of the flame cubes-

Boom! Boom! They explode within seconds of the water striking.

...The last one shoots another glob of fire, this time at Mokou for reciprocation. Still haven't learned she's resistant, apparently…

Mokou aims the hanger at that one, and… yo! The hanger starts to generate a hu~ge freakin' bubble. Like… okay, now it's as big as a freakin' car!

Once she has it at a satisfactory size, she smacks it with Deep Blue, sending it slowly hurtling across the stage.

...It engulfs the cube-

Boom! _Exterminated_ , yo.

 _Splash!_ The bubble weakly bursts once it hits the opposite wall, the water just loudly roaring against the stage floor.

...The armored figure slowly walks forward. Are we in for a boss fight, yo!?

…

"Hey, asshole!" Mokou roars across the stage. "If I were you, I'd put your stupid- looking sword down and walk away!"

...The armored being keeps walking-

Ti~ng. It walks into the barrier, getting slid back a bit, but not staggered.

…

Ti~ng. It, uh, does it again.

…

Ti~ng. Alright… "Hey, yo!" I call out to it.

Ti~ng! It walks into the barrier again. "You, uh… do know there's a barrier ahead 'a ya, right?"

Ti~ng! Alright, yo. Just keep on keepin' on.

It stops. "...It seems you refuse to come to me." It brings up its sword. Then, it charges forward!

Ti~ng! Smooth move, noob!

After it's pushed back, it brings its 'blade' to its side with insane dexterity, and slashes forward at the barrier-

Ti~ng! Oh, man, this is gonna get annoying to listen to…

The armored being leaps back, colliding with the back of the stage but not seeming overwhelmingly conscious of that fact. Once it lands, it brings its 'sword' to its side…

" _Zantetsuken!_ "

Ti~ng! In a flash, we see it sliding back from the barrier.

…

Ti-ti-ti-ti-ti~ng! Ow~...

"Fuck…" Kaguya rubs a slowly regenerating seared ear…

 _Fwuuu~sh!_ Mokou tries to drown the frik, again.

Ti~ng! It ran through the water just to slash at the barrier, again. Jesus.

...Once the water dies down-

Ti~ng! Jesus fuck! Cupping my hand around my mouth, I call out to it. "Sure am glad you're on the other end of that barrier!"

Ti~ng! Alright, time to do some shit…

I turn to the girls. "Alright, who's the best at levitating shit?"

Kaguya reacts immediately. "Me- akh... me…!"

I take out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber. "Yo. Take this, drift it over there, slam it into his head a couple'a dozen times."

Strutting up to her, I hand over.

...She looks it over, and aims it at the air before us-

BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM

 _Ow._

...A line of explosions stretched across the stages, and into the air. It blew off a chunk of the top of the other stage entirely, the fragments flying off into fucking _oblivion_.

Kaguya chuckles. "Wo-... what the hell...?"

Wahaha!

...Letting go of it, she let the hanger drift into the air, a faint white glow enveloping it. Then, she brought it across the stage-

Ti~ng! Where that freakin' tin can was still giving the impenetrable barrier hell.

As it does what it does best, Kaguya awkwardly jerks the hanger into its head from afar-

Boom! An explosion results from the sudden impact, but the being doesn't react. It lunges forward-

Ti~ng! Its sword failed to pierce the barrier. Honh.

Kaguya makes the hanger clip its head over and over in a circular motion…

Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!

Progressively, explosions at first don't seem to do anything, but gradually make it tilt its head forward more and more…

It brings its sword up. "Heal."

The holy chime of the heal spell rings out, as the thing apparently casts Cure on itself or some stupid shit.

"Hey!" Mokou yells out. "Kaguya, burn the hell outta it!"

"That won't work!" She counters, still making the bomb elemental hanger hit the armor over and over again.

"Just do it!" Mokou is impatient!

...Looking annoyed herself, Kaguya holds up Flame Salvo, too-

Fwoom! Fire roars across the two stages, the heat forcing me to step away from Kaguya.

...After some moments of loud ting noises, the roar of fire, and the murmur of explosions, Mokou sends a rush of water across the stage.

 _Fwuuu~sh!_ CRACK

...The two elemental doom beams die down. Once they're gone, a pile of flaming fluffles is revealed amidst the broken fragments of the thing's armor.

It wasn't even an edgy dude. It was just a suit of armor _filled with fluffles_.

…

Also, where'd that shark head thing go? Did it get vaporized in the crossfire? It must've.

"So, u~hm…" Aya isn't sure what to say about all of that.

I look over the crowd…

A lot of them have gotten away from the main base of the two stages. There's a big sea of mud around the borders, too…

"That was something." Aya finally passes judgement.

"...Quite." Rinnosuke smiles. "I am overall pleased by the power exerted. Three of five." ...Three of five!? Did you want us to fucking vaporize the entire opposite stage!? Send 'em back to the stone age!?

...Akyuu sighed. "None of that was really pretty. Both teams failed, in my opinion… but only one is left standing."

"Mmm." Aya nodded. "I guess, uh… Burlington Fluff advances. Good job, Burlington Fluff…"

"...I'm disappointed." Akyuu confesses. "I was expecting something cute, with a name like Burlington Fluff."

Hey, hey. I move to get Ha-chan- who is currently staring into the audience on the right, facin' away from the judges for some reason- and turn her around. "Hey, hey! Judges! Yo!"

...They look down at me! Yo!

"Ya see this!?" I point at Ha-chan! "How ain't this cute, ah!? You tellin' me this face ain't adorable!?"

...Rinnosuke shrugs. Good answer!

"Eh, not really." Aya looks disinterested. Yeah, fuck you.

Akyuu tilts her head. "...Well, no, she's pretty cute. But everything else wasn't."

You know what? I hold up a finger. "Yeah- I blame the fluffles for that one! Hard to play when they're lobbin' firebombs at'cha!"

...Akyuu nods. "I guess."

"Alright, get off the stage." Aya waves us away. "Next, we'll ha~ve…!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 52

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY:

Youkai Inconveniencer - Semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but isn't particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Slight damage vulnerability when used, which has worn over time. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger's gained the ability to deal electrical and holy damage. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy...

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out what they are…

Toasty Yuki-onna Kimono - Best winter clothing twenty fifteen. Fifty percent ice and freezing resistance, but _negative_ fifty percent fire and burning resistance!

Sixty-five thousand, two hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have! I should do this for potions, too...

Nine Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point...

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I _really_ have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

Hana, the Electric Elemental Stalker Maid - She's friendly, dude. She's getting better at using thunder magic, too! Cyan hair and eyes, likes to be fluffy, so on and so forth. I don't got a whole lot ta add about her… Oh, yeah, she's weak to earth magic, I think.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Sometimes can cast a slightly stronger lightning bolt… but it still can't fry people!

INVENTORY:

Probably some rocks - Yeah.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

hello again friends

it has been a slow past couple weeks 'cause i've been taking it easy… still

even so i got some stuff done! here yo

honh honh honh

...anyway yeah

feeling as though this concert thing will drag on a bit… but FORTUNATELY we've got a certain someone's chapter next to break things up between concert segments! ho ho ho!

futo + kaguya + mokou feel like an awkward combination to work with for some reason… probably just 'cause futo is like me + religion + discipline a bit and it feels WEIRD

that and her MIDDLE ENGLISH DIALECT AAAHHH

as always, see you all next time!

PROOFREADER'S NOTE:

why is FUTO SHOWING UP SO MUCH NOW.

EARLY ENGLISH HELL


	65. Mountain Hiking: Pack your Hockey Mask!

(IT'S MATT THE LATT, MANN)

The bell rang as I stepped into the Kourindou, identity mostly concealed by my mask.

...Looking up from his book- oh, Rinnosuke's not here. Alice is behind the counter, apparently sewing the back of a doll. She looks up at me, and raises a brow. "Oh, hello."

"Greetings." I've still got my mask on. I give her a brief wave, before I begin to look at the things like it were a normal store. Only, this store uses piles more often than it does shelves, apparently…

"...Just don't steal anything. I'll know." Alice immediately assumes I'll steal things.

To emphasize her point, a myriad of dolls poke their heads out from around corners, gaps in furniture, and the piles of things. They go back into hiding a second later.

"...Are you trying to sell me goods, or send me running for the hills?" I know lesser men might not appreciate being threatened by a tiny army of killer dolls.

...When I glance at Alice, she shrugs. "Honestly? I would rather no one came in at all. I'm just here as a favor."

I see. Well, I'll leave her to her devices, then…

Let's see~... there sure is a lot of crap, here. If only my inventory were so expansive… though I'd probably organize it.

Bending down, I stare into a pile. Besides the doll with a tiny lance, there are toasters, t-shirts, and what looks like either coffee makers or blenders in this pile. Most of them are not in suitable condition to be decoration, let alone used.

Hmm.

I'm looking for a barrel… perhaps a gun barrel of some kind. A grip would be nice, as well. I highly doubt I'll find both, here.

"Looking for anything in particular?" Alice questions me, probably wanting me to get the heck out already.

I stand up straight. "Yes, actually. Does this store carry any… rifle barrels, or firearm grips?"

...Alice pauses, before looking away. Then, she looks back at me. "Technically. We have three, but one's not for sale. We have two barrels, then. Same for grips, kinda."

Ah.

Promptly, some dolls float out from the back of the store. Two dolls are working together to carry out what looks like an _AK-47_ , and two other dolls came with some assorted, wonky-looking barrel parts.

Well, then.

I point at the AK-47. "How much?"

Alice shakes her head. "The gun doesn't work. It didn't work since the last guy who had it used it on Suika. He's not alive anymore."

...Oh.

...Alice had the dolls put down the gun on the counter. "I'm not sure what she did to it, but Rinnosuke said it'd probably never fire again without the kappa's assistance."

Bah. "The barrel works fine, yes?"

Alice stares at me blankly. "...I guess."

...I probably shouldn't've expected her to know.

I pick up the gun, and-...

It loudly clatters, as some of the inner mechanical parts fall out of the empty clip slot. Good gun. I suppose the barrel could be used for something…

"Alright." I nod. "How much?"

...Alice stares into the air for a moment, before looking back into where my eyes most likely are. "Five thousand yen." She probably just guessed the price.

I tilt my head. "Really? Looks more like three thousand yen, to me…"

"Five thousand yen." Alice monotones.

...Hmm. "Genuinely? Well, you see-"

"I see that it's made of steel and complex machinery." Alice retorts, raising her voice a little. "I had thought that a price as low as five thousand yen would make you buy it right away, and get out of my face. If you wanted, I could always charge _more_. Fifty thousand yen would be a good price."

Alright, alright. I hold up a hand. "Alright. My apologies."

...Reaching into my bag, I take out the required five thousand yen, and set it out on the counter.

"All yours." Alice takes the yen, and slides the nonfunctional gun over to me.

"My appreciations." I give her a nod, and slip the AK-47 into my backpack, before moving towards the door.

The bell rings as I leave the shop. Purchased an entire AK-47 with flushed out insides. Good financial decision.

/ / / / what if a fluffle just HEADBUTTED YOU / / / /

I don't intend on returning to the village, as of present. With my ability to slip and slide like a maniac, I should be able to avoid most confrontations with youkai in the wild… and anything that tries to speak with me and deceive me can simply be jumped.

As such, I've decided to scale that huge mountain that's been in the backdrop this entire time. Worst comes to worst, I can just use my sliding scissors to continuously slip down the mountain, or something.

There's got to be _something_ of interest on it. I've great doubt that a mountain that big is featureless, to any extent. Especially with how much random crap is in the woodlands all around Gensokyo.

If I'm going to trek aimlessly into the woods, it may as well be the biggest mountain in the nearby area. Go big or go home.

I take my first steps off the Hakurei trail, and start proceeding into the woods around the Hakurei shrine.

…

After some minutes of walking, I come to a large plain. I can see the forest that serves as the base of the mountain from here. If this is going to be my entire trip, it might be very dull.

…

Promptly, as I step past some particularly lush patches of grass, fairies spring up from the taller portions.

"Hehehe~!" A stout, blond fairy twirls into the air, swinging around a large sunflower. Two fairies with similar hair colors and dresses float out behind her. They look down at me, before simply floating away, giggling to each other.

...Hmm. Usually they're more annoying than that.

I focus my eyes back ahead of me, only to see one of the fairies now in my way, despite the three flying off earlier. _There_ we go.

"Wha~tcha do~in', mister?" She tilts to the right, until she's standing on one leg, trying to keep her balance.

"...Walking." I inform her.

"How la~me…" She stands upright again, frowning at me. "All you youkai do is walk and walk and walk and walk. And eat."

"How about I show you the wonders of walking?" I ask her. "As you trek down to Hell."

Abruptly, she darts back and into the air, anticipating an attack. "Ehehehe~! Danmaku fight, danmaku fi~ght!" She aims her sunflower at me.

I hold up my hand to block the danmaku.

The sunflower begins to glow. Then, it fires a beam. FwiChoo~m!

The beam engulfs my hand, which I thankfully did not hold over my face.

Also, _ouch_. Now I'm going to feel like I have arthritis all day. Looking menacing by stopping attacks with your hand definitely does not work in real life.

"Ha _haha~!_ " The fairy rolls in the air, laughing. "I-I~... I can't _believe_ that worked! Ha~haha~!"

And now she's pissing me off. She was doing so well, too.

I slip my hand into my pocket, and draw Chaos Oath. I don't plan to activate it, but I should be able to stab this fairy while it's having a ball.

' _...didn't even attempt to dodge, as if losing all hope to a simple fairy..._ '

Oh, good. My own weapon is berating me now. If it gave me the power to fly like Reimu, then _maybe_ we could talk danmaku dodging.

Running forward quickly, I jab the 'blade' portion of the scissors into the fairy, into her side.

Her eyes widen. "Wha-"

The tendrils start spreading-

Pi~chun!

...All that's left is a wireframe of tendrils around where the fairy used to be. It falls to the ground like a tumbleweed as it turns to wood, and begins slowly rolling away…

...I watch it roll into the woods, hitting one of the border trees. It shatters into dust on impact, vaporizing.

Well, then.

' _...as sturdy as your wit..._ '

Time to sheathe this thing, since it wants to sleep so badly.

Putting away Chaos Oath, I move across the plain once more…

…

/ / / / CAN WE EAT SOME LOAVES / / / /

Youkai Mountain has started to show signs of incline, and therefore, signs that it is in fact a mountain. This is good; it means I didn't wind up in purgatory on the way.

What I do not see, however, is the youkai. The village always spoke so ominously of this place… and yet it underestimated the mansion. The irony is palpable.

Stepping up a steep section of conveniently shaped rocks, I came around the side of a boulder on my way up the mountain…

Once I'm onto higher ground, I come face to face with a masked individual, dressed in a white and blue suit. The suit is ripped up, and the individual has a white, smiling mask. A brief glance reveals that in its sleeve is a long, rusty blade of some kind, under his palm.

It gives me a nod, before moving up the mountainside itself.

...Oh.

The bushes rustle behind it, and three similarly clad individuals with masks and suits come out. One is holding a bow with a flaming arrow, and another has dual rusty swords. The last is seemingly unarmed. They've all got various random masks on, and very unkempt formal attire.

I may have walked into the twilight zone. It is a good thing I happen to be dressed for the occasion.

The twigs rustle above the trees, and when I look up, I see a woman with long flowing hair floating behind them. Her mask was glowing a neon blue, red pinprick eyes darting around to examine the world around herself. She didn't so much as spare me a glance as she floated behind the other masked individuals, occasionally dipping down to stay beneath the treetops.

Her long kimono broke many branches and twigs as it swept past, yet the floral design and rich reds remained the same.

…

Well, that's nice. They're moving up the mountain, so I suppose I'll follow behind them… loosely.

' _...just your style, pretty on the outside but pathetic on the inside..._ '

This can still talk while sheathed?... Maybe it'll shut up if I keep ignoring it.

...As I follow behind them, I eventually notice more of them on the steep inclines, walking up the more unreasonable portions with little problem. There's actually a sizable number of them.

If it means I don't get lynched by wild youkai, this is fine.

Something thin and white whizzes by me. I almost mistake it for me just seeing things in the wilderness, but then I look to my left.

There was a masked individual following behind me, apparently. It was lying on the ground now, its mask punctured in the middle by an arrow with white, black, and red feathers. Blood pooled on the ground around it, and its mask was almost entirely cracked.

...This is going to be more trouble than I bargained for, I take it.

Looking ahead, I quickly take to a nearby tree for cover. In a moment, I see two people with white hair and animal ears touch down from above, both wielding huge steel blades with one hand, and a round shield in the other.

The blades within various masked individuals' robes extended, revealing themselves to be longer than they revealed.

"You think you're _bad_ , maskie!?" A female tengu warrior yells out, holding her shield high as one of the masked beings charged her.

The being moved so fast that its movements were a violent blur-

Cli~ng! Its blade hit the shield.

Shi-crack!

The tengu's steel blade goes through the suited being with one jab, piercing the torso and spine entirely. The blade's curvature allows her to rip it back-

Shink! The being's body goes flying, before limply smacking against a tree, dropping unceremoniously to the ground.

This is not a good place to be, right now.

 _Cli~ng!_ The other tengu grunt, this one a male, guarded an uneven dagger with his blade. Baring his teeth, he slowly brought the blade forward-

Thud. The masked person was pushed to the ground by the force of the tengu's struggle. Exerting more force, the tengu eventually brought his blade into the youkai's torso, slowly slicing into it just by exerting force.

...As I use my dash scissors to dart to adjacent trees, I quickly notice grey, blob-like things moving around them, as well. They slide around the tree trunks, and similarly dart around trees.

One stopped on the ground before an adjacent masked assassin, and once the grey unfurled, it was revealed to be a fluffle with big grey boots and big grey boxing fins.

Okay.

The masked being brought its blade forward abruptly, stabbing into the person-sized fluffle. The fluffle responded by pushing the masked individual with both finns, sending it flailing backwards. On a dime, however, it kicked its feet into the ground and jumped away, flying above the trees-

Woo-woo-woosh.

A barrage of arrows came from seemingly nowhere, sending the masked being flying like a ragdoll.

...The fluffle turns its attention to me, and runs forward, rolling its fin back repeatedly like it wanted to power punch me.

I just slid away. Let's _not_ do that.

Sliding horizontally around the mountain- as sliding up inclines didn't usually go well for me- I eventually come to a single tengu swordsman being bombarded by fluffles.

"Gua~h…!?" She slid back on the ground, pushed by a fluffle's fins. She got back onto her feet, only for the fluffle behind her to push her forward, sending her on her stomach, sliding towards the next fluffle. That fluffle proceeded to push her again when she tried to get back up, sending her sliding on her back again.

Eager to break the cycle, she stabbed her blade into the ground, and used her arms to propel herself into the air. Once she landed on the floor, the fluffles leapt and all stomped the floor at the same time-

 _Boom!_

A shockwave spread out, and I ended up getting slammed into a tree. Curiously, I slid rapidly downward onto my back… which served to be little more than inconvenient for me, since I was nothing's focus at the moment. The tengu, however, was caught in the constant pushing cycle once more.

As fun as this is, I must go.

Sliding again, this time less so, just to make forward progress, I come to another scene that gets in my way.

This time, it was a tengu in what appeared to be bulky riot gear, waving around a square baton at the fluffles. "Scram! _Scram!"_ A female's voice came from the giant black and red suit. "It's _all over!_ "

Her large, gloved hand moved to take a square object off of her waist. "Grena~de!"

She tossed it down before herself, and slowly hobbled backwards, ignoring the many shockwaves and punches the fluffles threw at her-

BOOM

... _Loud_. One hell of a grenade…

The fluffles seemed to be no more, however. The grenade was simply a flash of green and blue, and left transparent, blue and black flames in its wake that went out nearly instantly afterwards.

The riot geared tengu turned to me. "You picked a _bad_ day, masky!"

No. Let's not.

Sliding away and ignoring the tengu riot officer, I continue to slowly trek my way up the accursed mountain, expending my endurance to slide around to avoid the ensuing carnage on the mountain.

/ / / / ARE YOU ONNA DOSE LOUSY X-MEN / / / /

Life is rough.

Alright. A few things…

I did not anticipate this mountain to be this big before I climbed it.

I also did not anticipate navigating Gensokyo War Two, or whatever that was.

...That all sucked. I hardly had time to consider the shacks scattered about, or the various ruins, or anything of the sort. It was just all-out, three-way war.

However, I have progressed to a point beyond the fighting. I have… ascended, to a higher ground. As in, I've literally gone high enough that it doesn't matter now. Contrary to my expectations, the tengu haven't built their stronghold on top of the mountain like sane conquerors.

...In hindsight, that'd probably be pretty terrible during storms. Hmm. Especially considering the storms _this_ place apparently gets.

I'm almost at the top of the mountain. I expected more shortness of breath, and insane mountain youkai that didn't need oxygen, but apparently Gensokyo handles air differently. Hmm.

This high up, not taking the beaten trail would result in pain and suffering, in the form of expert rock climbing being a prerequisite. Everyone knows how that goes: rocks fall, everyone dies. Sun goes out, universe undergoes heat death, so forth.

Coming up the still fairly steep mountain path, I come across a flat clearing that houses a shrine. This shrine's decorations are blue, as opposed to Reimu's red, though it still looks shinto in origin.

...I suppose I shall make an impression.

Moving forward, and stepping up the few steps, I reach the shrine door.

Knock knock. Being polite, and all.

…

Knock knock.

…

Knock knock. Do they not care about their shrine this much? I'm starting to believe no one is home, today.

Taking it upon myself, I slide the door open.

There is a rectangular room before me, smaller than Reimu's main room. A kotatsu sits in the middle of the room, with a blue design.

Under the kotatsu is a mature woman, with long, braided blue hair. She has her eyes closed, apparently resting sitting up.

...How quaint.

…

I begin to step towards her.

"O~h…?" She lazily turned to me. "...O~h." Slowly, she turned back to her previous position, and closed her faded blue eyes again. "...Say. Do you know where the Moriya goddesses are? I wanted to ta~lk…"

"Not a clue." Genuinely.

"Aa~h."

…

Slowly, she takes a deep breath. She inhales for a whole thirty seconds.

…

She exhales for thirty seconds, too. Why did I watch her do that?

Reaching into my pocket, I draw Chaos Oath.

' _...don't. you will die…_ '

Says _you_.

Slowly, I begin to march up behind the woman, raising the scissors…

Then, I begin choking. "Gagh- kauf, kauf…" Air refuses to enter my lungs. That's inconvenient.

"Ka- a-ah…" My eyes begin to water, and I reach for my throat- hastily pocketing the scissors first- but then-

"Haa~h…" Oxygen feels good after you nearly die.

...Once I wipe the tears from my eyes, I look at the kotatsu, only to see the woman seated at the opposite end, now.

"I don't know your business with the Moriya~..." She smiles at me, her eyes still closed. "But don't draw something so obviously evil around me. Especially behind my back…" She opened one eye. "It'd be unfortunate if you forgot to breathe. Everyone deserves such an amazing luxury…"

Closing her eye, she began to stretch. "Ha~h… I know _I_ love to breathe."

I would love for you to stop breathing, but it seems that won't be happening. How unfortunate.

Well, if she doesn't stop me from exploring, and- by extension- looting, I'll be fine.

Progressing deeper into the shrine, I slide a door open. Moving down the interior hallway, I eventually come to a room with a large, western bed. Across the bed is a-...

A _television_. Flatscreen.

What.

...Moving to investigate this perplexing anomaly, I go around the television…

Under the stand the television is on, seems to be a game console. Playstation.

Behind the television is many cords, and… a _surge protector_. What is this modern technology…? Have I stepped into a stereotypical household?

If so… hmm. This might be worth trudging through the great mask-tengu-fluffle war after all.

I shall take the surge protector. It will go to a good cause. It takes a moment, but I unplug everything.

It is now mine. Anyway…

Oh, right. There's a dresser here, too. Curiously, I go up to it, and open the bottom drawer…

Socks. In the bottom drawer. They really must be gods to put up with that.

Next drawer up… is skirts. There's some dresses in here, too. Boring.

Next drawer. Tops and things, along with bras. Interesting.

Top drawer, panties. Also, some ribbons and curious other accessories… like belts and such. What exactly… was I expecting from a dresser?

Leaving it where it is, I move out of the room, and into the hall, and take another door.

This room is largely empty. Some talismans rest in the corner, abandoned.

...Closing the door, I move to the last room accessible from this hallway. Sliding the door open, I step inside…

I did not expect this from what I assume is a shrine maiden's room.

The western bed across the room is tidy… but right across from it is a table covered with crap. Stepping up to the table, I look it over…

Volumes of manga, modern commodities like tissues, paper towels, so forth littered the table. There was also a bunch of produced snacks… such as Goldfish crackers.

Finally, my eyes rested on the computer setup.

 _This shrine has a computer_.

I walk over to it…

...After a moment, I turn the tower and the monitor on, and sit before it. It feels slightly alien, as I've not often used desktops, haven't sat at a proper desk to compute often, and haven't done it inside the paper walls of a shinto shrine. Even so, it's not really that different.

...Once the computer is booted, it goes to the login screen. Oh, boy.

...I just press 'enter'. That doesn't work, apparently.

'1234'. Nope.

...Who owns this? It, hmm… 'moriya'. Not it.

'god'. Didn't think so.

'password'.

…

Oh. Okay. Didn't _think_ I was getting in, but it seems I was mistaken.

...Once the computer starts up, I watch it initialize. Whoever used this seems to have a desktop background of giant robots.

There's a shortcut to Steam on the desktop. However, I wait…

There we go. Steam's auto-login popped up, as it usually does when habitually used on computers. Let's see who was on this last…

...ZephyrPriestess. Huh.

...Ignoring that, I open Chrome to a private tab, and log into Steam myself from there. I open an old chat with Brad that I had, the one before I got dragged into this hellhole.

The history depicted a snippet of our previous conversation.

TOYSIPO2: wadda ya want, yukari EMERGING FROM A GAP and me freakin POINTING A PLANT HANGER AT HER?

Krocostar: THAT WOULD BE NICE

TOYSIPO2: consider it done, yo- whenever ai freakin find yukari again

TOYSIPO2: aw dood, ai should tape a danmaku battle

Krocostar: well if you want

TOYSIPO2: well son see you in liek a week or two- ai dunno when ai can get to hijack kaguya's computer again and ai kinda need to split and do things before she gets here!

Krocostar: well, okay son

Krocostar: i know the nearest mental institution if you ever need it

TOYSIPO2: XD don't die yo

TOYSIPO2: haiv fun

Krocostar: SURE

TOYSIPO2: dunt let the freakin YOUKAI BITE

...Right. I now wish that I attempted to refer him to a mental institution.

For the hell of it, I reply.

Krocostar: gensokyo's fun son

Krocostar: i've been almost killed about twenty times now

Krocostar: i blame you

…

Whelp, time to load this computer with viruses.

Closing the private tab, I open a regular one. Let's see… I search for 'Bonzi Buddy'.

Surprisingly few links feel like coughing up the malware, but it's only a matter of minutes before the installation is complete.

"Hello friend! I am BonziBuddy, your guide to the internet. As we browse, discover, and explore the internet together, our friendship will grow, and I will learn more about you!" It speaks.

...This is probably the worst thing I've ever done.

"I can also set up calendars, tell jokes, bring you the news, and even tell you the weather!" It lists its sins.

Please, no. I almost feel remorse for whomever this poor individual's computer is.

' _...what are you doing, cretin..._ '

Hacking into the mainframe, obviously. Just like how all professional hackers do it- play the keyboard like a guitar and slam it on the desk repeatedly.

Instead of doing that, however, I google another term. 'free cool toolbars'.

...First three results are Softonic. This is gonna be good.

/ / / / UH OH / / / /

There are now so many toolbars that I cannot see the window properly. This browser is now well-prepared for any situation.

I've also changed the computer's default font to Comic Sans.

...Interestingly, however, on my search for Touhou backgrounds, I figured out that I couldn't search for Touhou anything on this computer. Hmm.

Guess I'll just put hentai on, instead… actually, no, a slideshow. A slideshow of hentai images, mixed with random pictures of Donald Trump. Donald Trump hentai images.

This computer has been improved significantly. Before I go, I make sure to throw on a youtube video, 'Fred Fuckstone Goes Nuclear', and turn it to max. Oh, I have to unplug the speakers, too…

" _AAUUOO~GH-_ _E~y, it's the guy from Boston, baby- and today I'm serious! I'm fuckin', ten times worse than AIDs!_ "

It's loud. I won't bother to transcribe the rest of the noise, but be rest assured that the shrine now sounds like a ceiling shaking shouting match.

Getting up from the desktop, I look around the room again. There doesn't seem to be terribly much useful, here…

...Except for this bag of Goldfish. Those are now mine.

Going back, I quickly make sure Fred Fuckstone is on repeat…

" _I suck, large elephant dicks!_ "

Yeah, yeah. The volume's starting to irritate me, so I scram.

Within moments, I'm back in the main room.

The breathing god is looking around, bewildered. "Wh-what's going o~n…!?"

Fred Fuckstone, and he's going nuclear.

Without bothering to reply to her, I calmly walk out of the shrine. From there, I keep going a short distance…

I can still hear it from many, many feet away. " _You're all fuckin', suckin' cock! Worst of all you're ugly!_ "

...That looting yielded less loot than I thought it would.

Distancing myself from the shrine, I continue up the mountain out of curiosity.

It takes about ten minutes for me to reach the very top of the mountain, where there is a flat section of rock.

In the midst of this platform is a fluffle stand. A woman with long blue hair and a straw hat adorned with a couple peaches was standing at it, staring at a selection of swords with a hand to her chin…

Stepping up alongside her, I look over the selection of blades, as well. They were all vibrant colors, for the most part, save a few.

"This." She held up a cyan one, which shimmered, as if the blade was pure energy. "What is it?"

"the sword of windy gusts" The fluffle announces. "it casts wind elemental shockwaves on swing! replaces scarlet energy charging with wind elemental magic and weather manipulation is limited to strictly wind control"

...She tilts her head. "La~me. I can already summon gales… kinda."

Putting it down- a mystery considering the blade is of energy- she picks up another one. "And this? What is this?"

"the sword of equinox" It defines. "randomly speeds up or slows down enemies when cut by it! weather control is replaced by day and night switching and scarlet energy charging instead allows storing of time energy"

...She furrows her brows. "That's even worse. That-... I don't even _do_ time magic."

Taking the time blade, she holds it over the floor, charges it with energy, and drops it. It promptly falls through the Earth, and the fluffle just watches it go, its smile momentarily hidden as it stares at the new slit in the mountaintop.

…

"can we be friends" The fluffle requests, smiling again.

"No." She promptly lifts another blade. "Ne~xt. What's this?"

The blade was intricately curved, and glowing instead of being almost purely energy. "sword of mother earth" Tilting its head, the fluffle continued. "instead of weather control it lets you instantly grow trees" ...It looked down at the blade. "it can also be charged with wood energy"

...She sighs. "Wood energy. What-... what kind of element is _wood?_ "

"wood" The fluff is a banquet of knowledge, to be certain.

...Making a strained face, she reaches into a pocket. "Alright, how much?"

It gives its outrageous price. "seven hundred fifty thousand yen"

"Deal." ...What.

She just pulls out the yen like it's nothing. Big bills. Wow. "Here." She sets it down on the table.

The fluffle hands over the blade. "here friend"

...Well.

She steps away, taking a few practice swings with it.

...I properly align myself ahead of the fluffy menace.

"hi friend" It pushes the swords off the table and into oblivion, spreading a selection of scissors for me. "take your pick"

There are a variety of fruity colored scissors before me. I see the black scissors that I had set my eyes on before here, as well… along with some new ones.

My eyes cross a familiar yellow pair. The blade shimmers unnaturally in the mountain's light, the handle itself seemingly composed of a more solid material.

I bring my hand near it, only for live sparks on the surface to flare up and begin to stretch towards my hand. As such, I'm forced to retract it…

There's a blue pair of scissors here, as well. They were here last time, too. It seems to be leaking water. The handle proper is curiously bulbous, and the blade itself is too dull for being useful. It looks more decorative than anything.

Although, this new pair here catches my eye… briefly. It looks like an oversized pair of blue and orange safety scissors, the edges completely blunt. It seems too big to hold like a normal pair of scissors.

...I point at it, since it doesn't seem very self explanatory. "What is this?"

"guardian scissors!" The fluffle smiles widely. Ech… "a disc expands around it the more friends are in your party! you can use it as a shield like that" It looks to the side, staring at nothing. "the more friends you have helping you the more abilities it grants you"

Sounds completely useless.

"it also increases the likelihood of team limit breaks!" It raises its fins.

...There's also a pair of neon red scissors, here. The blades themselves are as thin as needles, making them seemingly useless as actual scissors. The handles are tiny balls, and have no loops to fit fingers in.

I point at it. "What might this be?"

...Taking a moment, the fluffle gets very close to it, before shifting back away. "persuasion seeker scissors"

...Interesting name.

"when filled with mana, allows user to briefly glimpse a glimmer of light that reveals the position of nearby enemies" It elaborates. "it can also send out a magical projectile that shatters guarding stances and defense!"

...As fun as that sounds, it's probably expensive.

"Prices." I ask. "All of them."

The fluffle climbs onto the desk itself. "honh"

…

"lightning scissors are seven thousand yen" It begins. "water scissors are six thousand yen, guardian scissors are twenty thousand yen, persuasion seeker scissors are twenty thousand yen"

…

I point at the fluffle. "How much are _you_ worth?"

It walks across the desk, approaching me. "hug"

Perturbed, I push it back behind the counter. No.

' _...stop wasting time having love affairs with dust mites..._ '

...Holding out Chaos Oath, I ask the fluffle a question. "Hey. How much will you pay me for this?"

It tilts its head a little. "four million sixty-five thousand eight hundred seventy-three yen"

"Okay. Deal." I try to hand over the scissors-

Tendrils lash out from it, the weapon attaching itself to my arm.

The fluffle gets up to grab it, but a tendril shoots out and beheads it, turning it into a cloud of sand instantly.

' _...do not_ dare _overstep your boundaries, human..._ '

...I see. Well, the fluffle is dead, now.

...Looking to the side, the blue-haired woman from before seems to be staring at me intently.

Once my gaze pans back to the stand, there is another fluffle. "hi friend im chelsea"

Right. "I would like to purchase the lightning and water scissors." They could be of good use… and they are also inexpensive.

...The tendrils slowly spread up my arm, forcing me to draw the blessed scissors and snip one manually again, before the rest retract, allowing me to sheathe them both properly.

"thatll be thirteen thousand yen friend" It held out a fin. "gimme"

...I gave it the funds, as I sheathed the water scissors, making sure they were at the bottom of my backpack's most disconnected pockets… lest they soak everything.

The lightning scissors, though…

"Do you have rubber gloves?" I request of the animated tragedy.

"no" Its smile is obscured.

…

Taking the fluffle, I press its face into the electric scissors.

…

There's a gradual buzzing noise under the fluffle. It fluctuates mildly, before-

...The fluffle slowly started to burn.

"Waaaa~l!" It got up, leapt off the stand, and fled. Good riddance.

...I turn to the blue-haired girl. "Hey. Magic girl." I gesture to the scissors. "What do."

She steps up leisurely, her arms folded. "Hmm~..." She grabs the scissors, electricity running up her arm briefly. "...Wow. Really weak current. You seriously bothered by this?"

"Yes, yes I am." I confirm. Electricity is bad for fleshy humans.

...She nodded. "You could trap it in a crystallized bubble, or something. Or a rubber case…"

"All of which I have easy access to, surely." I remark.

...Dryly, she rolls her eyes. "Alright, smartass. I'd suggest wood, but the way this thing conducts, it'd be able to catch it."

...I don't think that's how wood and electricity interact.

Holding up the pair, the blue-haired woman rubs her fingers across it repeatedly-

Fwoom. Her hand catches on fire.

"See?" She holds it up so that I can see the electricity repeatedly buzzing into her hand. I have to look away from the bright flashes.

I fold my arms. "How about you _try_ to capture it in wood, then?" She did just buy that wood master sword, or whatever.

Waving her hand to ward off the flames, she held her new sword high in her other hand. "Alright, whatever. Let's see~... if I charge it normally, and do this…" She stabs the sword into the floor below.

Crack! A tree materialized halfway into her.

...Awkwardly, she tore herself from the tree's bark-

Craa~ck!

It shattered and toppled, the malformed tree not making too much of a commotion as it slams against the nearby rock.

"Oo~h." She smiles widely. "Kinda stupid, but whatever!"

Next, she taps her blade on the rock before herself.

Cra-crack. Two tiny shrubs materialized before her, lined up neatly.

"So…" Kneeling, the woman put the electric scissors on the rock. Backing up, she tapped the floor before it-

Crack. A tiny shrub formed where the scissors were.

Leaning over, she plucked the shrub from the floor, and handed it to me. "Here you go."

That works. I suppose I'll have to find some rubber gloves before I burn it open. As such, I accept the tiny shrub from her, and begin to stuff it into my backpack...

"So…" She smirks at me. "You seem interesting, even if you don't seem like a fight."

I nod. "That is because… I am a totally normal human."

She snorts. "You have tentacle scissors."

...This mask I'm wearing probably doesn't do me any favors, either.

"You're kinda talky for a mask youkai." She notes, raising a brow. "Normally they're unintelligible, perverted, or just rude. You can't just be normal."

"This is where you are wrong." I insist. "I am normal."

She rolls her eyes. "Well, you _do_ sound like an asshole, so you've got that going for you." It is indeed my most admirable quality.

Folding her arms, she stands firmer than before. Her wood sword… desummons, or something. "Hit me."

...The only question is with what.

Moving up to her, curious, I punch her in the face.

…

I seem to be more injured than she is, though. It's like I punched a wall. She didn't so much as _flinch_ … or _blink_.

"...Was that a practice punch?" She tilted her head. "I didn't feel it."

"Nope." I shake my head. "Completely normal."

...She whistles. "Wow. How the hell did you get up here?"

"I walked." I reveal.

She rolls her eyes at that. "Well no shit. I was just wondering how you got past the tengu and dust mites, unless the masks really cut a line up the mountain or something."

"They died." Elaboration. "Horrible deaths."

...Gradually, her expression grew drier and drier. "You're not very helpful, you know."

"Helping isn't in my nature." Adjusting my backpack, I get myself ready to move again. "Got people to see and things to… see."

She snorts. "Alright. See ya." ...With that, she continues to stand there, watching me.

...Alright, then. Sliding down the mountain should be leagues easier than trudging up it.

' _...quite the silver tongue, already covered in red..._ '

Yeah, sure.

Taking out my sleek black scissors, I begin my trek down the mountain… but first I'll get to a less steep vantage point. If I began sliding now, I'd probably break my everything and die from how steep it is.

/ / / / A'N I'M THE MAN 'OO'S 'ONNA BURN DIS PLACE TA THA GROU~ND / / / /

The rush down the mountain is a fast blur of attempting to dodge the insane action going on between the three factions of the mountain. On occasion, one might be able to see local youkai such as wolfmen, spiders, or other such creatures getting in on the action.

Once I'm far enough down the mountain to safely consider myself out of tengu archer range, I stop sliding, allowing my balance to catch up with me…

By that, I mean I slide onto my rear, but that's a fair price to pay for not getting an iron-tipped arrow to the back of my skull.

...At the same time, I'm not too sure how far down the mountain I am. There's still an incline, but it might be the base of it…

Raising from the floor, walking forward, passing some trees- oh, hello.

My eyes spot rather quaint shacks… made of metal. More like small houses.

There's a path ahead of me, and all along this path are green and blue metal structures. A river runs across the midst of the path- a small one- and there's a wide bridge that goes across it to make the path consistent.

Various stout beings are moving about the path, some having set up mats with inventories on them. Others go back and forth between the structures, and they've all got various utilitarian suits on and colorful hair.

...Walking into the village, I look down at one mat, where a kappa with neon green hair sits. Before him are various metal blocks of different shapes and sizes.

...He looks up at me when I approach. "Hey, hey, masky, scat. I don't sell stuff to people under an IQ of ten."

Good person. "You wanna die?"

…

In one fluid motion, the kappa draws a thick, boxy gun from his backpack. "Hey, asshole. You should be lucky we're all busy, else we'd be using you for target practice. 'Course, that can change if you do your usual mask bullshit in here."

"What if I said…" I begin. "I am not a mask youkai?"

"You'd be lying." He jerks his gun towards me. "Go, go."

...Oh, well. He doesn't seem to have any wares of value, anyway. Just… metal blocks.

As I back away, he puts away his gun, watching me leave with heavy suspicion.

Most of the kappa ignore me, doing whatever it is they're doing, while others just give me stares, either of distrust or impatience.

...A purple-haired one passes me, carrying a crate. I turn to it. "You wanna die?"

...She slowly accelerates with her movement, before slowing down once far enough away from me.

I turn to a nearby kappa who is looking down at a clipboard. She's got pink hair. "How about you, you wanna die?"

She gives me a tired glance, before reaching into her pocket-

Pow! I move to the side just quick enough to not get shot in the gut by a rather quaint pocket pistol.

"Cool it, mask." She twirls the pistol, before pocketing it. "Why don't ya step back a little more? Like, from us and our machines? Wait- actually…" Pausing, she looks around, furrowing her brows. "Damn it, what the hell're those sentries doing?"

...I follow her gaze. To my surprise, some of the trees have scaffolding that leans off their sides. On each platform of scaffolding is a twin rotating barrel sentry gun, sitting still. There seem to be about five sentries from just where I can see.

Then, I hear them all beep. Looking around, I see a kimono-clad, flying mask woman begin to approach the village-

Ratatatatatatatat!

Blue bullet-shaped danmaku pellets maul her from all sides, and within moments she glides softly to the floor, skidding on it, her masked face eating the dirt. When she stopped still, her body was sprawled out in the midst of the bazaar's path. The sentries took a moment to stop drilling into her with danmaku.

...Kappa just moved around her, although a few walked over her to get to things they needed to.

"Well, they're workin' alright…" The kappa looks back and forth between me, the sentries, and the woman.

I wave at her. "Hi."

...She sighs. "Well, whatever ya are, we're busy here. Don't go around playing stupid jokes, or you'll get shot."

"Who said it was a joke?" I tilt my head.

...In return, I get a dry stare. "Alright, where ya want the bullet? Up your ass, or in your skull?"

"Quick and painless, please." I request.

' _...human, what the hell are you doing..._ '

She brings up the squirt gun-sized pistol, and begins shooting emerald danmaku at me.

PoPoPoPoPow!

Quickly, I slide down the length of the bazaar, avoiding her pistol shots before too many hit me. She seems to dash in the opposite direction of me, and dart behind a building.

The danmaku hurts, but no one else opens fire, even if all the kappa draw their guns, most of them aiming at the one shooting.

…

The other kappa doesn't come back out of cover. Some put away their guns, and some aim at me. I just do nothing but stand until they reluctantly put away their weapons, and get back to doing whatever it is they're doing.

"Hey, he~y…" A voice comes out from somewhere nearby. I look around curiously…

Slowly, the form of a blue-haired kappa with blue clothing and a green hat materializes. "Hey, mask, look, I don't know how you made the sentries stop targeting you, but you rea~lly gotta leave. We're busy making the tengu their anti-fluffle riot suits, and if you stick around too long, someone's _going_ to use you as target practice."

I put it bluntly. "Where can I buy stuff."

...Looking around, possibly making sure no one heard me, she gestures for me to follow. "Let me take you to the storage warehouse I rented out. I've got a lot of good stuff…"

This sounds shady as hell.

I follow the kappa as she moves down the path, and moves up to one of the green and blue, tiny shacks. The door's still big enough to fit me easily, despite the structure looking like it's ten by ten feet in size.

She opens the door, the knob fittingly low enough for her to reach, and pushes it open.

…

It's a lot bigger on the inside.

"C'mon." She gestures for me to follow. I step inside, looking around somewhat apprehensively…

There are machines everywhere. The room itself is a massive expanse of shelves, tables, and various machines of varying technology levels.

While following the kappa girl, I look at the counters closest to the door, which we stop before. On this table alone, there are what look like grenades, a variety of different shotguns, and some kind of rectangular device.

"So~..." She opens a drawer, and pulls out a clipboard. "What are you buying? Or, rather, what do you want?"

"Atomic bomb." I request.

She pouts. "Sorry, we're kinda under contract to not make those. Not that we figured it out, anyway… we got all our blueprints and research material confiscated."

Hmm~... I've had this idea in my mind, about a weapon I wished to create. For it, I will likely need… "Wires, duct tape, a rubber grip, and a rubber glove."

Nodding, she wrote some things down. "...How much wire?"

Uh, hmm. Didn't even think of that.

...After a moment, she speaks up. "It's five hundred yen per half a foot, by the way."

What.

"Duct tape i~s… two thousand yen." She checks something off on her clipboard. _What_.

"I'd have to ask you how specific you'd want the rubber grip, an~d… rubber gloves, right? Or was it just one?" She looks up at me, eyebrow raised.

"Yes, one rubber glove." I confirm. "Preferably one that won't get melted by lightning."

"Oo~h." She nods once. "I see, then. Five thousand yen." _Son_.

...I elaborate on the grip. "For the grip, I just want a rough block of rubber, a little over half a foot long."

She smiles. "Oh, okay, can do. One thousand five hundred yen."

Alright… I might need to haggle down these prices. Five thousand yen for a single glove does not sound like a smart investment otherwise.

"So, the wires…" I bring up the absurd price of the wires. Considering my idea, I would need twenty-six feet of wires, give or take. "That price."

She shrugs. "Sorry, one grand per foot is just kinda the business standard we do up here with each other. Wire's not fun to make, you know."

Right… "Well, I wanted twenty-six feet, right? How much would that cost?"

She replies instantly, not even looking like she was doing mental math. "Twenty-six thousand yen."

"Twenty thousand…?" I suggest. "It wouldn't be that much off, all things considered."

...

After a long while, she nods. "Twenty- _four_. Twenty-four thousand. Because you're not some kappa trying to extort me for my wire. At least, I don't think. For all I know, someone sent you to do that."

Yes. Sent me to buy wire… duct tape… and _one_ glove.

"One thousand." I nod. "A hundred. Ten yen."

She grins. "Anywa~y… any other price disputes? I know you're gonna wanna stop me every step until the price is agreed upon."

"Five thousand yen glove." I stress.

She nods. "You asked for a glove that doesn't melt to electricity. That's how much it costs."

...I fold my arms. "How about… simply thunder resistant?"

Crossing out something on her clipboard, she smiles. "Four thousand yen!"

"Duct tape…" I tilt my head back and forth. "I'll just buy that somewhere else."

She crosses it out on her clipboard, leaning against the counter. "Cool. Alright, so, wire, glove, rubber grip block, got it."

"Hold on." I hold up a hand. "Would you trade any of that…"

I place my backpack on the table, unzip it, and take out the legitimate AK-47. "For this sweet AK?"

Two bolts drop from inside. Quickly, I cover the magazine slot, and hold it out. "This really good AK. For the glove."

She grins. "Alright, lemme see the gun, first."

...I hold it out by the barrel. She moves to take it- Click. She accidentally detaches the barrel from the rest of the gun; as such, I'm left holding the barrel while she has everything else.

...Turning, I put the barrel into my backpack while she just stares at the slowly crumbling base of the AK.

"...Wh-what happened to it…?" She incredulously dropped it onto the counter, where it broke to pieces.

"An oni happened." I confirmed.

Making an 'o' shape with her mouth, she began inspecting the pieces. "...The parts themselves are mostly okay. The magazine slot, though… that's gonna hafta be scrapped, it looks like someone took a hydraulic press to it."

Good for her.

"I'll give ya seven hundred yen for this." She decides. "Seven hundred thirty-four, if ya want the change."

"One thousand." I lay down my terms.

"Fair enough." Nodding, she takes the money from a pocket, and gives it to me directly.

...Good.

"Let me just get your things." She begins to move. "Don't touch anything, or you'll probably die."

I touch the counter. Unfortunately, she doesn't react, moving away into the shelves to get my things.

…

Turning, I look at one of the tall racks loaded with metal blocks. Kappa sure love their metal blocks.

...One of them is slid out of place-

Bam. It hits the floor.

"honh honh" A fluffle stares out from the space where the block was, seemingly having pushed it off with its face.

...The blue-haired kappa runs out, and brings up a clear tube with one open end. "There you are! Come ba~ck!"

"help no" Panicked, the fluffle begins trying to become one with a nearby block, and failing.

Vuu~rr! The tube lights up, a whirlwind generating between it and the fluffle.

"Waaa~l!" Despite its protest, escape from the vortex is futile.

Fwoomp. In a few seconds, the dust mite is encapsulated within the see-through canister.

"waaaal" From inside the canister, it lets out a muffled wail, before fidgeting a little…

…With that, the kappa leisurely walked off with it. "Alri~ght, back to the containment box with you, fluffy."

"help friend please" It began to walk around in a circle inside the tube. "i buy you slovakian king"

...Time to look around and count the ceiling tiles. Oh, there aren't any. Oh no.

/ / / / FLUFF NECESSITIES / / / /

"Alright…" She comes up to me with a small box. "Everything's in here."

Oh, finally. I was about to try and find out if I could sleep with my eyes open while standing.

Accepting the box, I fold the lid open. Inside, I see the roll of wire, the rubber block grip, and a thick, orange glove.

"That'll be~ twenty eight thousand, five hundred yen." She hardly pauses to total the values.

Reaching into my pocket, I take a moment to tally up the right amount of money. Also, ouch. My wallet has taken casualties.

I have twenty two and a half thousand yen left. It's going to a good cause, though. I think.

She smiles, accepting the money hastily, scooping it all into her own pouch. "Tha~nk you! Tell all your friends to shop Nitori!"

"Indeed." I put all the individual things inside the box into my backpack, and leave the clunky box behind.

"Bye!" Nitori- I think- waves at me as I leave.

/ / / / PRETTY PRETTY ABILITIES / / / /

It was now nearly dark again. I've not begun sliding like a maniac again yet, since it takes all the fun out of leisurely strolling on one of the most dangerous mountainsides in Gensokyo. That, and it doesn't feel spectacular, and I'd like to at least get a third of the way to the village before the sun sets and I get chased by kitchen sink youkai.

On my way out of the kappa bazaar… village… thing, my progress is promptly halted.

"Hey, he~y…" Splash!

From a nearby puddle, an entire frog girl leaps out, clad in what seems to be muddy rags. "You're one of them mask youkai, aren't you?"

"Yes." I inform her.

"Cool, cool." She leaps in place. It's actually a rather impressive leap, for something so humanoid… oh. On second glance, her legs are webbed and frog-like. Once she lands, she continues as if she didn't do anything unordinary. "I was wondering if I could get your help with something."

"How much money?" I could use a Phoenix Down, except for wallets.

"...Flat broke." She shrugged sheepishly. "I could get you a date with my friend, though. She likes dark and quiet types."

"Who's your friend?" I ask. "What youkai is she?"

"Oh, she's a cave harpy." The frog girl reveals. "...Well, she does earth magic, but she's a harpy… so she's a cave harpy."

A cave harpy.

"I mean…" Looking to the side, the frog girl grins. "She lives in a cave, too. Not many youkai can say that same, you know."

...Right.

"Sure." I agree. "A date it is."

"But first!" Holding out a finger, the frog girl smirks. "You gotta do something for _me._ I _know_ you mask guys are good at stealth, so I want you to pull some pranks for me."

Pranks, huh. Just some pranks… bro.

"I want you to find some friends of mine- Rira and Sakiko- and surprise them." The frog girl instructs me. "I don't care how you do it. I wanna see them shaken up, 'cause they've been on their high horse lately."

Surprise them. Boo.

Once again, she hops, catching admirable air. "One's a titanium spider youkai, and the other's a bird girl. If you can do it in the next few days, that'd be good."

"Where would I find them?" I inquire, examining her.

"Oh, right. The bird girl, Rira, she's got a nest in the trees to the right of the sunflower field, off the path that passes by it." ...Hunching onto her legs like a proper frog, she leaps again. When she lands, she's in proper posture again. "...Sakiko is in the caves. If you go down from the incident entrance- the one the miko used- it'd be, uhm… left, left, right, at the turns. You seem serious enough to handle the underground youkai."

Does she ever shut up? "Explain in ten words or less." I request.

...Dryly, she rolls her eyes. "Sakiko, caves. Rira, north village path, sunflowers, and you suck."

Well, if you're going to insult me… "You could get to sucking right now if you want."

…

She sighs. "You kno~w, on second thought…" She leaps back a bit. "One card. If I win, you do those pranks. If you win, you get that date."

...Did she make this more trouble for me? It seems she made things more troublesome.

"I got a better proposal."

I slip out Chaos Oath. "If I lose, I do it like normal. If I win, however, you're coming with me too."

...She furrows her brows. Before she replies, I speak. "...Or you could just die."

...Leaping back a bit more, she smirks. "O~h? So _that's_ how you like it… one card it is, then!"

Standing resolutely, I wait for her to make her move…

"Leaping Sign!" She licks her lips. "Wave Pond!"

As her spell card's name suggests, she leaps high into the air, above the trees. Backing up, I retreat towards a tree as she lands.

Spla~sh! Despite landing on dead leaves, danmaku seems to splash out of the floor, green and blue bullets rushing into the air and raining down all around her.

I begin to fill Chaos Oath with mana as usual to activate it…

Jumping again, the frog girl positions herself to land on me from above…

…

This is taking more effort than usual. Glancing down from the incoming frog girl, I look at my arm.

' _...you will now serve me, human… just as you have decided..._ '

Tendrils are running up my arm, dark energy slowly creeping up along with it, folding over my flesh. "Back. No." I use my free hand to take out the blessed scissors, and bring it up to cut the tendrils as I back up...

Once again, I feel my muscles begin to fluctuate with power, making it hard for me to move the blessed scissors properly. As I back up, my legs do some cartoony nonsense as I get used to the new amount of force my muscles utilize...

While I'm struggling with the scissors- "Hello~!" The frog girl lands before me, green and yellow danmaku splashing up from the floor, this time.

Despite some painful pellets of danmaku slamming into me from below, I throw myself at her and jab the scissors into her shoulder.

"Ah…!?" Her playful smirk freezes, and her eyes widen.

Exerting force, I continue to shove the blade into her, my new strength allowing me to rend her flesh-... scratch that, the force makes me send her sliding to the floor instead of tearing through her. I'd have thought her legs would be strong enough to keep this from happening- frog and all- but apparently not.

"O- _oow!_ " She yells out. "Yo-you _idiot!_ Get off!" Gritting her teeth, her remaining danmaku dissipates as she claws at my scissor arm with long nails.

They conflict with the tendrils, which promptly spread onto her arm.

"Wh-what… what the hell!?" She tries to tug her arms away unsuccessfully.

Focusing on her grows difficult. My leg goes up, and stomps down on her thigh. It was contorting in ways that might be awkward for a human, likely trying to get a good basis for her to get back up.

"Augh!" The force of my stomp makes her cry out, but I can't see her face. "As- _ass_ hole! Why!?"

My body moves, the arm with blessed scissors in grasp also grabbing one of her arms, and yanking on it-

Crack. "O- _ooww~!_ A-auh!"

My vision dims, and my body feels like it's shaking. Between the frog girl's skin tone and the dim browns of the forest floor, everything's a blur…

I stop, or try to. Despite how apt this power rush feels, the slowly easing pain of my body tells me that something's wrong. Very wrong, actually.

…

Jerking my left arm, the one holding the blessed scissors, I strain myself to bring it closer to my right arm of my own will.

"Aah- aah! Aaa~h! _Haau~hh!_ " There's some yelling or something. It's not me, so whatever.

Like this, all I can see is some spots of brown of the forest floor. I bring what I'm pretty sure is my left hand closer to my right arm-

 _Krii~ng!_ The loud sound of the blessed scissors interacting with the darkness along my arm pierces my ears, only then making me realize that my hearing was slowly fading, as well. The pain of what's happening to me comes back as I jab the scissors further.

White electricity flies out, running along both my arms as I desperately hold the blessed steel there.

My vision slowly comes back, as does my hearing… and the pain. Oh, yes, there's pain. On the upside, it means I'm alive. On the downside, _fuck_.

"Ghh~..." I hiss through bared teeth. The tendrils along my arm wiggle, writhe, and regress back towards Chaos Oath gradually, as does whatever that dark energy on my-... oh, it went from my arm onto my neck. That probably did it.

"A-ah, aa-ah…" The frog girl's eyes were shut, tendrils running along her form freely. Her right arm was now… well it's not _dismembered_. It's just… stretched, and bent, more than once.

Suddenly, I realize cutting the mana to Chaos Oath would probably be a good idea. Once I do, the tendrils retreat twice as fast.

...I realize that the frog girl had become so encapsulated, she was now covered with a thick net of wooden tendrils, while the thicker ones that attacked me were surging over and under them.

"Sto- _sto~p!_ "

All of a sudden, danmaku of various colors approaches me in spreadshots, from all around me. Impatient, and not willing to eat colorful bullets more than I need to, I rapidly snip a few remaining tendrils of Chaos Oath, and try to get up from the frog girl, only to find the scissors still attached to her. Come on…

Then, a ball of black and green darkness softly drifts into me, and dissipates. What?

I look at Chaos Oath's tendrils- crap, the blessed scissors slipped from my hand…?

They drop onto one of the tendrils, burning it and making it retract into Chaos Oath. With that, Chaos Oath backtracks like the wind, and leaves the frog girl covered almost entirely with a wooden shell.

Taking both scissors, I pocket them in different pockets- _Ouch!_ Danmaku _sucks!_

Getting up in the middle of the barrage, I try to remember which pocket the sleek black scissors are in. Whatever, I'll just move- what…!?

Moving forward, I trip on nothing and fall onto my stomach.

...Looking up from the floor, I see the ethereal form of some woman spinning past me. Some kind of cheeky youkai who saw me kill that frog, probably. She's got a stupid amount of red ribbons on.

Right, the sleek black scissors are in my right pocket…

...Wrong pocket. Just- whatever. I'll _crawl,_ then.

Looking around, the sources of danmaku are apparent. They're not from her specifically, actually. They're… flying dust balls, or something.

Throwing my two arms across the floor, I eventually get back onto my feet. As I get up, I slam into a tree, but push myself past it anyway…

With the strength from Chaos Oath gone, I'm pretty much reduced to stumbling forward at the speed of light to get out of this situation- danmaku is the _worst_ thing to _ever_ exist. I now cannot feel my already nearly useless legs.

There! I draw the sleek black- oh, oh! _Nearly_ dropped them. What is this bad luck…!?

I slide forward. Almost immediately, the motion makes me belly slide along the floor. I know it's disorienting, but it's never been _that_ horrible…

Thankfully, the motion gets me out of the danmaku storm. Too bad I already can't feel most of myself.

...Can I still slide like this?

Woosh. Ouch, yes. My body got assaulted by tree roots and rocks, but I can dodge like this if I have to.

Doing it again- _damn!_ Hit my jaw on a rock…

I'm now out of range from those flying fuzzball things, I think.

The ribbon-clad woman from before twirls before me, on the tips of her shoes, passing by me.

"Scar…" She speaks solemnly. "Broken Charm of Protection."

Slowly, she begins to glow. Oh, no…

Slide! I don't care that I'm sweeping the forest floor with my suit- just get me _away!_

Rapidly, I slide down the last inclines of the mountain. Thank all that is holy for my mask, because it lets me plow my head through bushes fine. The real downside here is having to slide at ninety degree angles to avoid trees-

Fwash, fwash, fwash! Red bullets bloom out from the ribbon maniac from behind me. They slowly pass me as they accelerate outward from her position-

Slap. Something is stuck to my back.

…

From here, I just keep sliding forward. After enough of that, I break the forest. I can tell ribbons is still behind me, because that red danmaku keeps sweeping out over my head. It also hurts like a son of a bitch. U~gh…

Suddenly, I hear a chime behind me, which comes out in beeps.

Ribbons the danmaku spammer stops. "Ah…" The danmaku dissipates. "My performance's almost on…"

...Stopping, I use my arms to turn myself towards her…

Slap, slap, slap. Three more ofuda-like papers slap themselves to me, one to my forehead. The one on my forehead is exuding black and green energy…

The woman frowns at me. "...I-I'm sorry." With that, she flies away.

…

Well, now I feel like shit. Ouch.

' _...It seems you've done well, human._ '

"Shut up." I am in no mood to be sassed by the scissors that got me in this situation. "...And my name's not 'human'."

…

Time to find somewhere to sleep.

"Hahaha~!" I hear boisterous laughter. "I smell a whole _team_ of humans over there!"

"Oh, wo~w…!" A mature woman's voice echoes across the field. "So many new toys…!"

"We'll see if they put up a _fight!_ " Another surly voice yells.

"Is that so~?" There's also Rumia, somewhere.

"I'll eat them _all_ …" A particularly awestruck voice came from somewhere alarmingly close.

"We'll teach those _vermin!_ " ...Pro~bably an edgy night fairy. "Come on, girls!"

"Yeah!"

"Let's do this!"

"Stinky humans!"

...A _lot_ of edgy night fairies.

...My only saving grace is that the grass is tall. If I can't see them… they can't see me.

' _But what are you, if not a human?_ '

Ti~me to just… belly slide away. Really fast. Really, really fast. "...Matt. My name's-"

"I hea~rd something!" That sounded like that green-haired fop from the other night. "Over _there!_ "

Time to slide _really really really fast_.

/ / / / LOOK OUT ITS THE NATIONAL GUARD / / / /

...The village guard looks down, before double taking as I belly slide up to the gate.

"He-hello…" I greet him. "I am in need of assistance."

The guard jerks his head back. "...Why shouldn't I just _destroy_ you here and now?"

...Using a tired arm, I point behind me. "That's why…"

...Focusing on the guard proper, I see that he already held his sword over his head. However, he stopped and noticed the youkai horde coming through the plain towards the village...

"Ho-holy…" Backing up, he feverishly began to pull open the gate, dropping his sword. "Gu-gu~ys!" He also yells. "Guys! _Gu~ys!_ "

Once the gate is open enough, I slide into the village proper and just keep sliding. It's fortunate that the dirt road is marginally smoother than the forest floor…

Inside, I continue moving myself into the alleys so that I don't get trampled or otherwise on the road.

…

I'm just going to wait for my legs to stop being numb… and then I'll find an empty house to crash in, or something. So… tired…

…

I hear smashing noises coming from the wall where I had come in. Fun times ahead.

/ / / / MEDIC DOC CMON MAN / / / /

Miserably, I slink into the Kirisame goods store… It took a concentrated effort to get the door open, but I managed. By which, I mean I had to use the pink scissors to grapple onto the knob, and slowly molest the door until it opens.

...The old man at the counter looks down at me, and chuckles. "You onna them new types of snake youkai?"

Funny. Funny joke. "I~ am in need of a potion…" Please.

"You got the money?" Kirisame tilts his head as I awkwardly slide into the counter-

Bam. I accidentally ram myself into the bottom of the counter. Each slide is always fixed to a certain range, which makes precision not very possible.

"...Yes." If it goes up in price just because I'm in need, there will be consequences.

...Something light lands on my back. "There ya go."

Awkwardly taking the potion from my back, I pop the cork off and begin chugging it…

A few moments of watching me chug prompts Kirisame to say a few words. "You also got some cursed wards on ya. S'that on purpose, o~r didja have a bad day?"

Nah, I just felt like making a fashion statement, today. Even so, I'm still drinking the potion, so I can't respond as of right now. It tastes like disappointment and shame.

"Fa~h…" Once it's all down, I take a deep breath. I don't feel so well…

However, my legs now work again. Nevermind what I feel, then. I begin to stand up...

"Five hundred yen." Kirisame gives me a cheeky smile. "...Also, no, shankin' me won't work, even if it's late. Sorry if I'm midjudgin' ya, but… ya don't exactly look human in this situation, y'know. That, and you got this seriously screwed up aura, now. Nothin' like last time."

Forgive me for this, wallet. Your suffering will end soon. Drawing the yen from my pouch, I place it on the counter.

Nodding, Kirisame accepts it. "Woo~we. Days without an accident: two!"

Good for you.

...Leaning forward, he wraps his hand around the murky charm that was slapped to my forehead, and yanks it off. "There we go. Ya want the rest off? No charge, 'cause honestly, all it takes is a little surface manipulation to yank that crap off."

"That would be appreciated." Turning myself around, I allow Kirisame to work on the rest of the ofuda that was slapped to me.

He whistles. "Broken protection charms, huh? Looks like a certain Sheila had it out fer ya. No wonder ya slinked in like a youkai pancake."

Brushing myself off, I survey my suit…

Dirt everywhere, rips everywhere there isn't dirt. I'm also pretty sure my dress shoes are filled with rocks and sand now. Well, that sucks.

"...I sell suits, y'know." Again, Kirisame grins at me. "Only for four hundred thousand yen pe~r! Kinda a steal compared to most other prices! Lemme tell ya: you won't get other deals like this."

As fun as that sounds, I hardly have even forty thousand, let alone four hundred thousand.

"I'll pass." Turning around, I head for the door. There's nothing else here for me.

Kirisame chuckles. "Hehehe- didn't expect ya to have that much anyway. How do ya mask fellows even get those suits 'a yours, anyways…?"

"Very carefully." I reveal, leaving through the shop door. The bell chimes on my way out.

/ / / / FOR THE EMPEROR / / / /

My next important task will likely be getting myself a new suit. This suit seems to be done, for now.

As I step out of the Kirisame magic-and-other-crap shop, I hear violence down the road. No, it's not from the direction of whatever the hell is going on down in town square. The violence is coming from the direction I came from…

"Hello!"

Looking to my side, I see Rumia drift up to me, her orb of darkness down at the moment, and her clothing slightly ripped.

"...Greetings." I greet her.

Looking down the road, I see the violence.

"Holy shit! Holy _shit!_ " An archer ran back past us, three dark fairies floating after him in a circular, revolving formation.

"Ge-get 'em off! Get 'em _off!_ " One other archer had bugs swarming him.

"Fall back! Archers- we need more archers!" The main line of shield wielders is rapidly pushed back, their supporting spearmen forced to backup with them as wolfmen, yuki-onna, spider girls, and what looks like an alraune assault the defensive line.

...Well, then. This might be a good time to run away. Apparently the strike force that was after me was so fierce it just curbstomped the village gate.

"Follow me." I instruct Rumia, moving towards one of the alleys. I'd rather we didn't get ganked by angry guardsmen, especially when I look like a youkai and the stout one _is_ a youkai.

Leisurely, she drifts after me, before we both stop some of the way into the alley. I should be able to think from in here…

"Hey, hey, _hey!_ What is this!?"

Staring out of the alley from within, I see Reimu roar past it, towards the violence. Those youkai seem to have picked a bad day to assault the village.

…

Turning to Rumia, I see her grin. "Miko~..." Slowly, she begins to drift out of the alley, but I grab her leg, preventing her from throwing herself at Reimu.

...Yelling comes from the road. Lots of yelling, and screaming. I can see some of Reimu's bullets trailing into the sky from here.

I have no idea what to do with Rumia, now.

...Tugging her along by her ankle, I proceed further into the alleys. I should probably see what the nonsense in town square is.

/ / / / NEON ANNIHILATOR / / / /

Stepping out into the village square from a nearby alley, I find myself at the edge of a crowd of people. In the middle of the square is a gigantic eyesore in the form of two stages arranged parallel to one another, but also facing each other.

Messy music is being played by both parties on the stage, one of which looks like a bunch of fairy maids from the Scarlet Devil Mansion. The other team of performers is fluffles, all armed with tambourines.

Danmaku is exchanged by both teams, although the 'band' who will come out on top seems to be clear. Hint: not the fluffles.

...Apparently, Rumia is just going to let me drag her by the leg, as she continues to lazily drift in the air. She does put in the effort to keep herself upright, but that's about it.

It's like I have a balloon.

...My eyes scan the crowd, when I notice a pink-haired, cloth-hatted woman somewhere by the food stands, accompanied by her gardener.

This won't go wrong at all.

Making my way through the crowd- an easy feat when you're carrying a notorious darkness youkai like a helium balloon- I eventually come up to the two girls. They're both looking over the… coned chicken that was being served. I would be ignoring this spectacle, too.

"U~hm…" Yuyuko sheepishly looked over the selection. "...Are you sure I can't have more than just _one?_ "

Youmu nodded, expression dry. "If we want to keep our spending _under_ fifty thousand yen this time…"

…

I step up beside Youmu, and tap her on the shoulder. She freezes for a moment, before turning to me…

Gingerly, I hold out Rumia. "Gift."

…

Slowly, Youmu reaches out to take Rumia's ankle, her eyes darting between where mine are, the youkai's ankle, and Rumia's eyes…

"Ooh?" Yuyuko inhaled two of the chicken cone things at once while Youmu wasn't looking, and spoke with her mouth full. "Who's that, Youmu?"

Youmu blinks. "I… don't know." Masks are a godsend.

"He smells like dead stuff!" Rumia cheerfully contributes, despite being largely silent on the way here.

...Blinking, Youmu's eyes search my form. "...Yuyuko-sama, there's something…"

I look over at Yuyuko.

"That feeling…" Suddenly, Yuyuko's mouth was empty, and the chicken cones she lifted earlier outright vaporized.

Turning to me, she smiled. Through her smile, her pink eyes flared. "Where did you happen upon such a terrible aura?"

"Found it cheap at the flea market." I nod resolutely.

...After staring at me for a good moment, Yuyuko closed her eyes. "...You've killed people. Yet, you're no youkai hunter. In fact, you don't discriminate."

Youmu's gaze grows steadily more uncomfortable as she looks back and forth between us.

"Is there any reason to?"

Yuyuko giggled. "Fufufu… to someone like you, I suppose not. Given the nature of the death that surrounds you… you wouldn't. You've wrought great suffering upon those who didn't deserve it."

"That is for me to decide."

…

Yuyuko begins to glow. "...A life so young. Yet, you… you believe death is simply something you may distribute whenever you please. With your power, your potential, you…"

The bystanders nearby begin to back away, Yuyuko's sudden, flowing pink and blue aura terrifying them.

"You plan to kill more." Yuyuko summons two fans.

"Yu-Yuyuko-sama!?" Youmu backs up herself. Rumia darts out of her hands, and zooms off into the sky.

"Well, you know me of course." Raising my hand, I slide off my mask.

…

Youmu gapes. "You…!"

Yuyuko's demeanor doesn't change. "I knew from the moment you approached. The death around you is familiar to the last time we spoke."

...Like this, we stare back and forth at one another, Yuyuko's eyes slowly glowing brighter and brighter.

"Hey, hey!" The crow tengu's voice- Aya, I think- is heard from where we are, projected by microphone. "No fighting in the audience!"

Yuyuko bears a sickly smile down at me. " _I've seen enough of suffering and pain._ "

...I tap the pocket that holds Chaos Oath, speaking under my breath. "Hey-"

' _No. Your impetuous vexations will not be resolved by my hands…'_

Oh.

The bystanders seem to all be filing to the opposite end of the concert setup, and all the shop owners have abandoned their posts.

"Losing Hometown…" Yuyuko floated high into the air.

"Yu-Yuyuko-sama~!" Despite calling out to her, Youmu was backpedalling at light speed.

Floating higher, the apparition appeared like a ball of pink energy from down here. "Village of Self Loss…"

Drawing my sleek black scissors, I begin to backpedal myself...

"Yuyuko!" Aya yells out over the microphone. "Stop! What are you doing!?"

"Trackless Path!"

Green, yellow, and cyan bullets started to stream out from Yuyuko's form. Despite my backpedalling, the gust of bullets jerked and awkwardly formed a shell to my left, which I avoided by simply sticking to the right.

Fwa~sh! Suddenly, one of Yuyuko's fans becomes a giant, five-spoked laser fan of death, which begins rending the empty shops and the dirt of the village square adjacent to my right.

The way it spreads across the ground, there's no way to avoid it unless I take a danmaku bath in the shower of bullets to my left. Good.

Grimacing at the arrow shaped bullets, I decide to simply plow through them. No pain, no game. Besides, I'm pretty sure that fan would incinerate me, or something.

Sliding forward quickly, I try to keep my head low. I'm not sure if it helped, but the wave of bullets already made me feel like shit, and I only ran through… five? Ten? There were a lot of bullets.

Fwa~sh! Another fan generates to my left once I'm through the storm. I try to slide to avoid it some other way, only to see it flare up with energy and expand. With the dirt under my feet slowly being unearthed, I throw myself back into the storm of bullets and eat another surge of them to get to the other side.

This time, she seemed to be delaying, though when I glanced at her, the neon-white fan was ready to make another burst. Doubling back immediately like a masochist, I slide through the bullet mess.

Fwa~sh! A neon pink, five-spoked fan of death generated where I moved away from.

Free from her trap of fan-based doom, I bolt into the remaining crowd of people who were too slow to evacuate, or decided to stick and watch for whatever reason.

They react explosively. "Aaa~h!"

"So cool! So coo~l…!"

"Ayase- where's Ayase…!?"

I spot Xavier, who's simply staring slack jawed at the spectacle of arrow-shaped bullets and doom fans.

Running towards him, I duck behind him. At the very least, Xavier's a tall person.

...Frowning deeply, Yuyuko ceases her spell card, the bullets all dissipating. The dimly lit, night time clearing of the village square returns to darkness, for a moment…

Looking at the clearing ahead, I strain my eyes to find movement…

...Yuyuko is now at ground level, whirling towards us with her aura far dimmer than before. All of a sudden, it flares up as it nears us.

Grabbing Xavier by the shoulders, I shove him in the way as Yuyuko smoothly lifts a powerfully bright fan. She stops herself the moment it's about to come down, restraining herself from striking the hooligan before me.

Xavier looks shell shocked.

She blurs out of existence.

Wildly looking around, I notice a bright blur of pink to my right, so I both move to the left and jerk Xavier to the right-

Woosh. On a dime, Yuyuko stopped herself from bisecting Xavier with her fan, and vanished again.

Looking around wildly again, I now notice _two_ blurs of pink, to both sides. With little choice, I duck and ram myself into Xavier to cast him over myself like a shield.

"He-help! Xavier being possessed by she demons!" Xavier has no idea what's going on.

 _Shi~ng!_ Two fans, both wielded by the two Yuyukos, violently whirl through the air, above the two of us. Lines of pink are made from their slashes, the light fading out with a subtle red tinge as the two ghosts blur out of existence.

Sliding out from under Xavier and casting him aside-

 _Fwoom!_ A pillar of pink energy erects from the floor as I slide along it, skimming the bottom of my shoes.

"He-hey…!" A blonde girl is before me, and I latch onto her legs, crawling to stabilize myself using her-

Woo-woosh! Two more fans whirl past my legs. I see another Yuyuko dissipate, stopping herself before she cut the girl.

"Ge-get o~ff!" The blonde girl starts assaulting me gently, slapping my arms as I grapple her.

Drawing my blessed scissors, trying to rotate the girl at the same time, I hold them to her-

 _Woosh!_

I'm not sure what happened, but I saw Yuyuko's face pass mine, before dissipating. I didn't get hit, so- _Agh!_

Turning, I see butterfly shaped bullets casually drifting into my backside. They hurt like hell, too.

Plowing forward with the girl, I try to get towards more people for safety-

Swish! A Yuyuko clone behind me swings her fan at me again- _Ouch._ Ouch ouch ouch. That was _not_ danmaku. I'm pretty sure there's a hole in my back now, somewhere. Fuck.

With my blessed scissors to the girl's neck, I run towards the retreating crowd of people-

Fwoom, fwoom, fwoom! Three pillars of pink energy erupt before me, and I try to shove the bystander I had acquired into them, only for the one I tried it with to vanish. It seems she cares very much about not hurting anyone but me.

Holding the blade to the terrified blonde's neck… no, I probably couldn't threaten hostages or something, considering Yuyuko's-

Swish! She vanishes to avoid hurting the girl again.

-teleportation skills.

" _He~y!_ " Aya is now in the air over me, her wings whirling. "Yuyuko! What the _hell!?_ "

Yuyuko appears in the air, twenty feet away from her.

"What-... what are you doing!?" Aya glares at her. "Why are you just attacking people!?"

...Frowning, Yuyuko takes a moment to respond. "...I'm avoiding bodily harm."

"Yeah- okay!" Drawing some fans of her own, Aya readies to battle. "Sorry not sorry, tubby, but I can't just let you crash… this… co-con…"

Thud. Aya fell out of the sky, landing beside me awkwardly.

"I'm sorry." Yuyuko dissipated again. Oh, boy…

Bolting into the crowd of people with my sliding scissors, I began shoving my way past them. Yuyuko hovered menacingly overhead, but with this many people she couldn't act. If I wait, though, she'll probably find a way.

Woo-woo-woosh! Arrows fly through the air, but go right through Yuyuko. Perks of being a ghost.

Breaking through the crowd of people, I make my mad dash towards the village gate. If I can get out and into the woods, I _might_ be fine.

"Fufufu~..." The village takes on an unhealthy, pink glow. I can hear the ghost princess laughing behind and above me… "Hahaha~!"

The rapid whirling of her pink fans is audible, and I begin to zigzag to avoid dying as fast-

Woosh, woosh. A fan juts out to my left. I'm forced to dive to my stomach to avoid the next one, my sliding alone not quick enough.

Fwam, fwam, fwam, fwam! Pink and cyan pillars begin to erupt from the ground ahead, getting in my way-

 _Bam!_ Son of a _bitch!_

...I am now airborne. _Very_ airborne. I can see the roofs of, in fact, multiple houses. Seems those pillars had some upward momentum to them.

Yuyuko appears before me, glaring into my eyes with her ominous, pink ones. "You _will_ be held accounta-"

 _Bam!_

Suddenly, Yuyuko flies to the side, kicked in the face by a sandal. Hello, Reimu.

"What the _hell's_ going on here!?"

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

END OF CHAPTER 52.5

PROTAGONIST: Matthew, the Debatably Sane Outsider, Lord of Edges, Scissor-Slinging Slasher, Insurance Fraud Expert, Used Goods Reseller, Evil Spirit Cultivator

PRIMARY WEAPON: Chaos Oath - Forged from the bark of the Saigyou Ayakashi, and bent to shape by a masterful magician well versed in the material arts… it's a pair of wooden scissors. Produces low whistles and howls. Channeling mana into it gives user an immense physical boost, but it seems to come at a price… And it seems to be haunted by something that wants me dead.

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - Takes up no inventory space, because it is the inventory space. Has nine slots, and is easily accessible.

Steel Scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Quick Scissorang - Non-elemental scissors that are enchanted to return to the owner with ferocity. Not that powerful of a weapon, but combined with strong string it can be used like a powerful grappling hook. Looks like it belongs in a Barbie catalog.

Flame Scissors - Fire-elemental scissors that have an incendiary effect on strike. Boosts fire magic and abilities, as if I had any. Enchanted to grant 20% fire resistance, and reduce discomfort near fire.

Dash Scissors - Succubus training tool. Allows for horizontal quick-dashes, for dodging and agility purposes. Doubles as scissors for kinky, cloth-cutting occasions. Or stabbing. Sleek, black design.

Blessed Steel Scissors - Stained lightly with fresh blood from a young human female. Sharp, shiny-ish, and to the point! Also blessed...

Steel-alloy String - An experimental item provided by Alice as part of her testing. She uses these herself to manage her dolls, or so I'm told.

A Tuft of Cloth Strings - Pink, regular cotton string. It's soft, and clean.

Bang Gun - _Bang._

(one more space remaining)

[Backpack] - Allows extended inventory, of twenty slots. Can hold larger items, but it takes longer to pull them out. Items inside are safer. It's also baby barf green.

Hedge Cutters - Rusty lawn pruning tool used by farmers to keep the vile hedges at bay. They're also sharp, so they've probably been used more than once in self-defense.

Dense Shard - A cloudy, very light grey shard. It's not a rock, however… it's too textureless. Perhaps usable as a reagent.

Teal Stone - Cool and refreshing to hold, exuding power of the wind. It's sort of shiny, too. Perhaps usable as a reagent.

AK-47 Barrel - A long barrel, once part of an AK-47. Made of strong steel.

Rubber Grip - More like a block of rubber, really…

Twenty-six Feet of Wire - Time to make lava dispensing piston machines!

A Single Rubber Glove - For those moments one needs to touch a live power wire with one hand and fap with the other.

Water Scissors - Scissors that continuously produce water. How troublesome.

A Shrub with Electrical Scissors inside of it - Since they're too charged to be allowed to come into contact with cheap cloth and human flesh, they've been trapped inside of wood, which is particularly non-conductive. At least, enough so to keep from getting super-heated by the electricity. 

Goldfish Snack Crackers - They're smiling. They might make a good snack...

Modern-ish Surge Protector - Protects against surges. Not very useful without unified electrical practices in housing. Can still be used as a paperweight and a brick, though.

(nine more spaces remaining)

PARTY:

 _Still_ nobody.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

honh

slight development hell because i now fall asleep automagically when it gets late

my body is having its

REVENGE

but anyway this chapter was pretty fun as a whole to write; dunno how i'm gonna follow it up but that's half the fun of it! general purpose was to get matt his SHIT while making it vaguely entertaining to watch and then he decided to just RUN UP TO YUYUKO AND TAUNT HER and yeah

waHAHA

got a GENERIC FROG GIRL killed along the way; she appeared just 'cause, really; i forgot chaos oath was supposed to try to gank matt when he used it so that made it interesting and then hina

him sliding away like a maniac was probably easyish to see as bullshit but honestly enough has gone wrong for him to warrant being able to RUN AWAY REALLY FAST even with BROKEN LEGS

…it also failed to save him from an ANGRY GHOST PRINCESS AAHH

i dunno what happens next we'll just have to see

as always, see you all next time!

CO-AUTHOR'S NOTE:

fun times

not much to really say this time, except fun talking scissors weapon thing that really want me dead yet not dead dead more like deadened deadness. the frog girl thing wasn't my idea, but the execution with chaos oath was, which gave THE MAN a bit of trouble

yeah this is the 'find shit loot shit' chapter cause why not, we gots things to do people to see

and i pissed off yuyuko by existing

hoh


	66. 2015 Olympics Live Footage

(in which we make 'a da la musica)

It has become night. That's how long this concert frikmania's been goin' on for. Infact, it's been night for some time. Where the frik've _you_ guys been?

Anyway, interesting things have been happening on the camera! There was that mediocre 'mansion fairies vs fluff stuffs' battle, but in the crowd it seems like Yuyuko went apeshit on a buncha civilians for no reason. Man, the way she swung her fans… she's more than just a do-nothing mage, apparently!

Sadly, she's gone off and started attacking what I think was Matt in the distance. There was also this whole fiasco with the village's south gate earlier, which got totally pubstomped by all the youkai ever until Reimu put a stop to it. Didn't know Reimu was even here, yo...

...Futo 'walks' in from outside, holding four plates with her arms, one on her head, and one by a knee as she kinda just drifts in. "I've brought the sustenance!" The plates all had food!

"Were we in my court, I'd make you a countess." Kaguya expresses her gratitude by being momentarily royal.

"Thanks." Mokou keeps it minimalistic.

...Futo seems to have gotten me a plate of chicken nuggets. Didn't think my request actually woulda been possible given the technology era, here. To think my parents told me restaurants wouldn't sell chicken nuggets… wahaha!

Claiming the plate, I give my thanks. "My mostest sincerest appreciationsest."

"I will silence thee." Futo gave her own plate a small smile, as she moved to that table I pulled out earlier.

...Yeah, we all gotta use the table as a table. Freakin' neo-gangster magic, dude. Oh, nevermind, Kaguya can just make her plate float like an asshole, and… so can Futo. Mokou, Ha-chan, and I still hafta use the table!

Ha-chan smiles at her food, which was also chicken nuggets. "Yay!"

...Looking up at the camera, I see Rinnosuke dragging an unconscious Aya back into the judge's booth, where Akyuu's holding a glass of water.

She gives Aya a small splash.

"E-egh…" Aya writhes a little, before her eyes open and she begins hyperventilating. "Je-jeez, ow, ow…"

"Are you alright?" Serious Rinnosuke is serious.

"Yeah…" Standing, Aya flaps her wings a few times, making Rinnosuke and Akyuu step back a bit. "What the hell… I thought Yuyuko, like…"

"She had me going, for a moment there." Rinnosuke agreed. "You had a pulse when I got you, so I wasn't terribly worried."

...After giving him a dry look, Aya began to look herself over, slowly becoming relaxed again. "...What's her problem, anyway?"

Akyuu smiled. "Maybe she felt like having bird."

...Aya just stared up into the sky, done with her fellow judges.

The camera cut, the screen flickering into inactivity. Who's managing these, anyway?

…

"Mi'y 'ecul'r…" Futo tried to speak with half of a chicken leg in her mouth.

"Swallow, dammit." Kaguya just gave her a tired stare.

...Things were silent as Futo took a minute to chew, blushing. Once finished, she continued. "Mi-mighty peculiar, that Saigyouji would lash out in such a manner."

Considering she was chasing Matt, he mighta pressed her berserk button or something. I wouldn't be surprised. Actually- now that I'm reminded Yuyuko exists- I wanna meet her at some point!

"Yeah, it is pretty weird." Kaguya nodded. "Wonder if Youmu forgot to feed her."

Snorting, Mokou contributed. "Nah, Youmu probably get fed up with her and fed her bleach."

Peaceful eating, yo. I dunno what became of the fairies or the fluffles, but whatever. I think we're in the second set of the tournament now, too. We should be getting called up to fight some overpowered assholes at some point. Hopefully it's not Sanae or Yukari…!

Most of us are just standing around the table as we eat, like it's a freakin' snack party. Kaguya took the only chair for herself. She doesn't even need to sit down to eat…! Freakin' floaty plates.

Ha-chan held up a chicken nugget before me. "Say 'aaa~h', Brad-ku~n!"

...Fluffy. "Friend, I dunno where your hand's been."

She brings it up to my face, and I shut my mouth.

…

So she just rubs it on my cheek. "Friend, why- om!" Freakin'- she just shoved it _into_ my mouth!

...I chew anyway, folding my arms.

"Hehehe~!" Likes that, doesn't she? Ho ho…

Better not get a freakin' cold from that. I _know_ Ha-chan's like, never washed her hands in her life. Then again, she dies routinely, so~...

With half of my nuggets gone, I find myself wanting ketchup. If that exists in this time, we do not have it, sadly. Actually, we're also missing something pretty important…

"Drinks." I announce. "Where is our drinks, yo?" Lookin' at Futo, I make an expectant face…

...Eventually, she reads my expression. "I am a plate enthusiast, naught a cup fanatic." ...Freakin'!

Holdin' a hand up, I gesture. "Freakin'- a plate. Couldn't ya just get water on plates or something, then, and gravitate them all in?"

"That is not the proper way to hold water." She frowns.

...If we were in a desert survival, that would _not_ be the correct mindset, yo.

"I didn't even realize we don't have drinks." Kaguya idly looked around the table. "...Oh, well."

Mokou just shrugged it off. Huh. Apparently they don't give that many shits about hydration!

Actually, speaking of desert survival, that reminds me… to ruffle through my sack for Deep Blue! Taking out the hanger, I, uh… no cups are present to fill.

Helplessly, I look around. No one else seems to want to cooperate with this endeavor!

Whelp, just gonna have to do it the way the freakin' commandos did back in the great war, yo. Holding the hanger over my head, I twist the valve on it a _ti~ny_ bit. Most of the resulting water flow just drips onto my face, but some of it gets into my mouth!

Mokou eventually watched what I was doing. Once she swallowed her food, she commented. "You sure that's safe to drink?"

I shrug. Well- probably. That's what I'm countin' on! Freakin' hanger water.

...Once I twist the valve back, and right myself, I notice Futo staring at the hanger.

"Hi." I greet her gingerly.

...She glances at me, then back at the hanger. "...I would appreciate use of your water dispensary."

Yeah, I figured. "Here, yo." The hanger is exchanged!

...She twists it open way too far-

Fwii~sh!

Quickly, she twists it shut, now soaked.

…

Opening my mouth- "Naught a word." -nevermind…

More carefully this time, Futo twists the valve. Below the hanger, she makes a plate generate.

Wait now hold on here… "Didn't you say that's not how ya hold water?"

"Such thinking would forsake one in dire straits." Futo sassed me, grinning. "One must always be resourceful."

Yo~u freakin' hypocrite.

...Once the plate is filled, she drinks from it, being careful not to spill it. Which seems easier said than done, 'cause, uh… she's getting water all over herself trying to drink it from a plate.

Leaning towards Ha-chan, I whisper instructions on how to jeer Futo! "Tell her ya heard the kappa were building a diaper changing station, yo…"

...Ha-chan just turns to me, eyebrows raised.

I blink. "Yo?"

"Are they really?" She tilts her head, speaking at normal volume and drawing everyone's attention.

Freakin'... "Well, no, just say it yo…"

"Say what?" She furrows her brows. Aauugh!

Taking the initiative upon herself- apparently having heard my whispering- Kaguya steals my joke! "Hey, Futo. I heard the kappa were building a diaper changing station."

Futo hardly acknowledged her. "Yes- I overheard him," She gestures to me, setting her plate down on the table. "One doth not simply serve under the crown prince and not don a second pair of ears. Provided, such a skill is becoming increasingly less apt these days..."

The screen flickers to life!

We all turn to it, as Aya yells at us again. "He~y…! Welcome back, after our brief interlude! I'm okay, everyone!" She sounds a little more tired than before, but seems good.

"Heaven forbid." Rinnosuke monotones.

...Aya just gives him a sardonic grin. "Yeah, I woulda liked to see _you_ go yell at a ghost princess."

Defying the routine set up by the previous slew of rounds, Akyuu announced the matchup! To do so, she raised the applicable speech aid card… "We'll be havi~ng… Frost Nine versus Burlington Fluff. Try to play _actual music_ , this time…"

Hey, yo. No guarantees!

...I look over my band members. "We gotta try to play somethin' that resembles actual music this time, yo, and not just shit on the other band."

Abruptly, Mokou rips Deep Blue from Futo's hands. "We're just gonna shit on the other band."

Whelp. I tried, yo.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We are now on the stage!

Across from us, Cirno's flying high speed laps around her band. Wriggle's set up on its drums again, Daiyousei has a different harp for some reason- a red one now- and Rumia's still got her tambourines.

...Those sunflower fairies are still floating in the back, looking pretty with their flower-based searchlights.

Mokou twirled Deep Blue around one finger, her other hand in her right pocket.

Freakin'... time to arm everyone, yo. Taking out Flame Salvo, I toss it at Kaguya again.

...She wasn't looking, so it just hits her in the side, and she ignites. "Ow- fucking…" She notices she's on fire! "What the hell!? I'm on fucking-"

 _Fwu~sh..._

Mokou sends a moderate gush of water at her, soaking her.

...Parting her hair, Kaguya just glares at Mokou. "...I'm surprised you showed restraint."

"If I didn't the crowd woulda gotten flushed out." Mokou reasoned. "...Again."

I'd give someone a small loan of a Million Bucks, but I wanna keep that in the event something unexpected happens and I need to get away very very fast.

Actually, I'll give Futo the Fairy Harp, so she can throw dust around. Ho ho!

Taking out the applicable hanger, I toss it at Futo.

She was looking, so she cau- ooh, ooh! Fumbled it, but she kept it, yo.

"What one is this…?" Looking it over, she furrows her brows. "It… doth not confer many obvious traits to observance."

...Ya coulda just said "it looks freakin' weird" but okay. "It's Fairy Harp, yo. You can make wind happen with it, and make people sneeze."

...Futo just rotates it a bit, staring at the glimmery surfaces of it. "I… see."

Experimentative, she gives it a swing-

Woo~sh! Woo-woo~sh!

Her swing summons a miniature tornado, which drifts into the super barrier beside the stage and dissipates. The tornado itself was filled with sparkles, likely produced by glimmering particles of fairy dust.

That'd be like… the ultimate weapon against Patchy. Instant asthma seizure. Unless her magic potency just fried all the fairy dust, or something… which it probably _would_. Yeah, now I remember.

...I'm pretty much the only freakin' person besides generic dudes who's susceptible to fairy dust! Aaa~h!

Cirno eventually stops circling her bandmates, and begins just racing back and forth between the two big barriers on the far sides of her stage. "It'sa buncha weak people! And Ha-chan! Hi Ha-chan!"

"Hello, Cirno~!" Ha-chan calls over to her, giving a little wave.

Aya claps her hands. "Let the noise… commence!"

Instantly, Cirno begins whistling. Jesus- that's even more irritating in person…

Mokou fares similarly, grimacing right away. "Ho~ly shit, shut the fuck up…!" Aiming Deep Blue at the opposing stage-

 _Fwuuu~sh!_

A huge torrent of water slams into their stage and freakin' annihilates Wriggle, along with its drumset.

Cirno is too fast to be slammed by the water, flying alongside the gush. Looking at it, she removes her whistle from her mouth, grinning. "Hehehe! Freeze Sign, Perfect Freeze!"

FWASH

Wo~ah that was loud. Ow. Everything dropped like, all the degrees, too. Wish I had my freakin' coat… even my kimono's cold!

...Rubbing my ears, I look at the ice gush.

Cirno… froze it. All of it. S'all frozen. I dunno how solid, but she stopped all of it.

I look over at Mokou, who's frozen solid. Wow.

...Slowly, Mokou's form in the ice begins to glow, and rapidly the small chunk around her began to melt away, some of it vaporizing into steam.

"...Haa~h!" She took a breath once she got out of the ice, pulling her limbs from it. "...Th-that fairy…"

Kaguya shivers violently, now covered in ice and frost 'cause she was wet. "Da-da-damn i-i-i… co-cold fai- Achoo!" Sitting down, she makes the fire hanger's tip flare. The heat causes her to let out a relaxed breath. "Aa~h…"

...Wait, didn't Wriggle just get frozen solid? Good teamwork.

...That's also a _big_ wall of ice in the way, now. Cirno effectively just like, divided her team, gave us two lanes to fire into, and built a huge wall that blocked everyone's view all at the same time.

"Hahaha~!" She's lovin' it, though! "How's _that!?_ "

Futo runs forward! "It matters not!" Ahead of everyone, she swings Fairy Harp with force!

Twa-twa-twa~ng! She even made it make _noise_ , somehow!

 _Woo~sh!_

A forceful gale accented by the blue tint of glimmering, glittery fairy dust roared past the half of the stage Cirno and Daiyousei were on. The wind displaced them a little, but uh… that was it. Fairies are immune to fairy dust for obvious reasons.

Ti~ng! The wind made Cirno bash into the barrier by accident. Wahaha!

"...Not… so useful." Unfortunately, Futo is dissatisfied with this level of power. Man, if _I_ could make fairy dust tornados…

...Noticing that the huge, static ice wall had divided Cirno's team, she began to walk around the end of it, noticing only Rumia was trapped in the other lane.

Rumia just darted around her side rapidly, floating in a buncha non-vertical directions really fast, shaking her tambourines as fast as possible. Yellow and orange orbs gravitated outward from her, but most of them died on the ice wall 'cause they did this orbiting pattern.

"...Hey, assholes." Grinning, Kaguya beckoned our attention. "Get over here."

Our entire band gathers on the Rumia-side of the ice wall, rendering whatever Cirno and Daiyousei were doing irrelevant.

"Watch thy language." You should _know_ that's a futile comment by now, Futo.

Realizing she was isolated- and 'bout ready to get freakin' _jumped_ \- Rumia just began doing spins in the air, danmaku randomly darting from her tambourines. Better than that freakin' orbital style!

"How the hell do we do danmaku with these things?" Waving her hanger around a bit, Kaguya experimented…

"Somethin' about makin' music." I remind everyone. "Try bangin' em together like freakin'..."

Mokou suddenly swings at Kaguya, who throws herself out of the way before she gets hit. "Oh, really!?"

In return, Mokou smirks at her. "C'mere, bitch princess!" Moving towards her, she swung again.

Kaguya parried-

Cli~ng!

Water and fire splashed off of each hanger. Red and blue lasers expanded from their impact, but had absolutely no aim.

Futo was forced to drift out of the way of one, the red beam whirring past her. "Hey! Be considerate of-"

Cli-cla-cli~ng! The immortals kept swinging the hangers at each other, intentionally parrying repeatedly.

With each hit, more and more lasers spawn! They all generate precisely upon collision, and just stretch out in any direction they feel like.

Clang! _Clang!_

Al~right, back to the other side 'a the ice wall…

...Once over on the other side, I glance over at Futo. I see her giving me a determined look, raising her hanger.

"Hi." Make your intentions known, friend…

"Let us make... _music_." She takes a slow swing at me, and I jump backwards to avoid it. Ho ho! Now you're talkin', yo!

Drawing Tundra Bloomer, I guard. "Alright, yo. I can take it!"

 _Clang_. Fairy Harp impacts with my hammer hanger, nearly sending me sprawling from the force Futo used. Waves of tiny white bullets flow out from us, like water. They had absolutely no aim, so they just drifted to the sides...

Shou~lda buffed myself! Holy shit! She nearly freakin' disarmed me, and I'm using _two hands!_

"Come, now…" Futo just stares at me dismally. "I didn't think thy arms twigs."

Pouring mana into Tundra Bloomer, I pump myself up! "Try that again, yo."

Reeling her arm back, Futo readied to strike me again-

 _Cla~ng!_

Pink and brown particles shoot out, moving along curiously floaty trails as they shot off into nowhere.

Across the stage, Cirno turns to her fairy friend. "Dai-chan! Do the thing!"

Daiyousei looks fearful of life. "Bu-but…."

"No buts!" Zipping over to her, Cirno begins to pluck at the harp herself. "Help, Dai-chan!"

"Wh-what are you…!?" Frazzled, the green-haired fairy begins to assault the harp from her side.

 _Twi-twa-ti-twa-twi-twa~ng_ …

Futo and I clash! _Clang!_

...A translucent, red circle generates under us. Uh…

I try to point it out. "Hey, he-" _Clang!_ Futo ignores me, still trying to maul me indirectly. Freakin'...!

Taking the initiative, I just begin backpedaling. This makes Futo start to grin. "What? Are thy arms aching? Pitiful."

Son. "No, I'm gettin' us out of the way of-"

THWASH

"Waah!?" Futo does a forward flip in the air, twirling away from the red circle. A thick, red beam came down from the sky, on the opposite end of where we-

THWASH

-were. Wow, it does that _twice?_ The aim's not perfect, though. Freakin'... tactical orbital strike harp.

THWA-THWASH

Oh, holy shit. Daiyousei was packin' _heat_ , dude.

THWA-THWASH…

...The translucent red circle fades. Scarlet shockwaves flow out from the final two laser shots, stretching pretty freakin' far. I try to jump over them, but I land in their expanding disc just before they fade, causing pain to travel up my legs. Ow.

Futo simply sighs. "How flashy. It may be time to end this." ...If you have any good ideas, that'd be _nice!_

Summoning a row of plates before herself, Futo begins vandalizing them with her plant hanger.

Cra-cra-crack! Crack!

Diamond-shaped pink and cyan bullets flow towards Cirno and Daiyousei.

"We-we're under attack!" Daiyousei tilts the harp to shield herself, grabbing it by the strings to do so. "Cirno-chan, back here!"

Surprisingly, Cirno gets behind the harp… only to peer out from the top, and hold her arms out.

"...Oh, right." She puts her whistle back into her mouth, and- _Screeee!_ -yeah. _Now_ she shot danmaku from her arms. "Eat this!"

The diamond-shaped bullets began to near the harp…

A low humming sound was produced, the harp generating a shield of solid, glowing energy swords.

Futo blinked. "...Genuinely?"

Two of the four barrages of diamond danmaku were eaten by the shield of laser swords. Once they dissipated, Cirno and Daiyousei abruptly took to the air, both now coated in red auras.

"Eye feel _ali~ve!_ " Cirno punched the air repeatedly! "Yeah yeah _yeah!_ "

Daiyousei just lifted the _entire_ harp. It was bigger than _her_ , and she just held it comfortably with two arms. She was having trouble with it before, though…! "Let's win this, Cirno-chan! For our friends!"

" _Yaaa~h!_ " Cirno clapped her hands together-

 _Fwam!_ A shockwave of cold energy expanded, perpendicular to Cirno's palms.

 _Shi~ng!_

"Hawah!?" Futo was forced to spin through the air, grazing a huge ice pillar that erupted from the floor. Taking her lead, I begin strafing to the side...

 _Shi~ng!_ Woa~h shit! The ice pillar that erupts under me throws me into the air, and sends me sprawling onto my side. This landing's gonna suck…!

Thud. Ow. Arm's gonna be sore in the morning...

 _Shi~ng!_ "Aaa~h!" Ha-chan squeed, but didn't pi~chun, so she's probably okay.

...The three ice pillars all retracted back into the stage floor, which was somehow perfectly okay. What is this _made_ of?

 _Twa-ti-ti-ti-ti-ti~ng…_ Daiyousei plucked her harp… like it was an actual instrument! Aw, dude!

...Tinier, red circles generated under me and Futo. Oh fu-

THWASH

" _Aaaa~h!_ " Futo just got freakin' annihilated!

I throw myself forward, desperately trying to avoid-

THWASH

Jesus Christ! Hot on my _bloody_ heels! Damn!

Awkwardly, I land on my knees, which hurts but whatever. I scramble to get back onto my feet-... oh, wow. My sneakers no longer have soles. I might need new shoes.

Looking over at Futo, I see her body crackling wildly with red danmaku energy, as she lies in a twitching heap on her back. Freakin' bulldozed.

THWASH

...That one was somewhere on the immortal's side.

Promptly, Kaguya darts back over from their side, grinning victoriously. "We got that stupid darkness youkai! Mokou fucking ate it, though- you see that fucking laser?"

...I'm tempted to make a joke about it being a laser of 'fucking', but… that might as well be what it does. "Yeah, Futo got wrecked." I point at fluffy hair on the floor.

Kaguya snorts. "Oh, wo~w. Aren't they fairies? You guys suck."

Yeah, I'd like to see _you_ take an orbital ion strike to the face and still be awake to tell me how much it tickled.

Aiming Flame Salvo forward, Kaguya poured mana into it-

 _Fwoom!_

A beam of fire energy stretched forward, meeting Cirno.

"Woah!" Cirno's blasted back by it, lit on fire, but somehow _not_ killed. "Aa-aa~h! Dai-chan! _Fire!_ "

Daiyousei smirks, and plucks her harp…

 _Twa-twa-twaa~ng…_

That sparkly, mobile stream of light from their last performance came out, darting around Daiyousei herself and Cirno… all the while making freakin' loud ding noises.

Fwoam! The two fairies glowed brightly for a second.

"Eye am _invi~ncible!_ " Cirno's goin' freakin' insane up there! "Everyone! _Look at me!_ "

...The one sunflower fairy left on this side of the huge ice wall stopped being purely aesthetic, and floated towards the front of the stage, aiming her sunflower at us.

"God damn…" Kaguya just blinks. Then, she turns to me. "Do something useful, dammit!"

I don't think earth magic will work on Daiyousei… well, I'm not sure, but I won't chance it. I'm gonna try to knock out Cirno though, so she at least stops casting terrifying ice spells on us.

Kneeling down, I begin assaulting the floor! "Gaia Seed!" Hoping shouting my spell makes it stronger…!

Kaguya just gives me a dismally questioning stare, before contributing herself. Aiming her hanger again, she fired-

 _Fwoom!_

Cirno darted past the beam! "Hahaha~! _Freeze!_ "

 _Fwash!_ Kaguya froze solid next to me! Aaa~h!

Fwooo~...

The green, foggy magical circle generated around Cirno, who was gloating. "Eye did it! Eye frozen the looney prin- aah!" She was staggered! "Auh… wha-what happened?"

Taking out Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, I get ready to mine Kaguya free. "Hey, Ha-chan! Give them some zaps!"

She suddenly had a sympathetic expression. "But… they're my friends."

 _Son_.

Reelin' my left arm back- Tundra Bloomer's now in the right- I assault the large ice chunk Kaguya was now trapped in.

Boom!

Ow. Tha~t… was not as much of a payoff as I was hoping for. I now feel sad, and bad, and mad. Mostly bad.

Nevermind, Kaguya, you'll get freed from your frosty tomb some other time. I swap the bomb hanger out for Million Bucks, though, so I can make use of the pain I just put myself in.

"Eye'll freeze _you_ , too!" Cirno claps her hands together, and they do that shockwave thing again!

With my enhanced speed, I run in circles. At first, her spell didn't seem to do anything, but-

Crack! A large icicle fell behind me, and shattered upon hitting the floor. He~llo!

 _Twa-twa-twa~ng…_ Daiyousei elegantly plucks her harp.

That's it, I'm goin' to the other side 'a the ice wall. As I run quickly-

THWASH

There's _bullshit_ behind me, son.

THWASH

A lot of it!

Reaching the other side, I see Mokou on the floor, crawling…

"Ngh…" She looks up at me with a pained expression across her face.

"Yo." I crouch next to her. From here, I see that Rumia is lying unconscious across the stage. "You cool to shoot water at some noobs?"

"Fu-fuck… you…" Her face lowers, and rests on the questionably wooden floor beneath us.

Oof.

...Looking up, I see Ha-chan just staring down at me beside me. "Hi."

"Hi." She greets me. Were we not getting our asses kicked, I might be able to appreciate the panty shot.

Pulling out 'n' opening one of my potions, I roll Mokou over- 'cause I figure that if we're inactive for long enough the judges'll call it a day- and stuff it into her mouth.

"Mmh…?" Her eyes flicker open, before widening. "Mmph!?" Yo, yo, hold still! I, uh, shoulda probably sat her upright before pouring this shit in! Sorry, Mokou!

"Kaugh, kaugh…!" She coughs up some of the potion as it still pours into her mouth, and I move to try and lift her upright while doin' this, but- oh hey, I can do that. I thank the strength of Tundra Bloomer.

Once she's upright- woah!

She pushes me away, and grabs the potion herself, drinking the last fourth of it normally. Once it's all down, she tosses it away.

"Hello, friend." I welcome her back.

...Turning to me with an aggressive face, she raises Deep Blue-

Fwuuu~sh!

Hahaha~! I'm a speedster, son! Not gonna floor me to a wall with water today!

...She sighs, before coughing a little. "Kaugh… th-thanks for drowning me in potion, dumbass."

"Sorry, yo. Here's the score: Kaguya 'n' Futo got blown up, Ha-chan's uh…" I turn to her, and she's just staring at Mokou, smiling. "Yeah. My range here is also severely limited!"

"...I see." Mokou nods, her expression hardening. "How the fuck did that happen? Those lasers?"

"Yep." Moving along the ice wall, I prepare to scout ahead. "Freakin' orbital air strikes, yo."

...I bolt out!

Now in the open, Cirno and Daiyousei turn their attention to me again.

Cirno is having the time of her freakin' life. "Run while you _ca~n!_ I'm gonna _freezinate_ ya!"

"Yo, Mokou!" Where is my water support!?

My speed lets me get to the far end of the stage before Mokou steps out. She aims Deep Blue at the opposing stage…

 _Fwuuu~sh!_

Bam! The water loudly slams against the opposing wall.

...I just remembered that Youkai Inconveniencer technically lets me do a ranged holy move. I~ put away Tundra Bloomer, and begin to take that one out…

Once the rush of water ends, Cirno is revealed to be pinned against the wall of the opposite stage.

Daiyousei raises her harp, but I raise Youkai Inconveniencer!

Pouring in a buncha mana, I focus on her! "Kingdom Hearts is _light!_ "

Fwoom! From one of the four candles along Youkai Inconveniencer, a white orb shoots out, roaring towards Daiyousei.

Seemingly not acknowledging it, she gives me a smarmy look as she starts plucking at her harp…

 _Twa-twa-_ Fwam!

The orb of holy energy expands as it hits Daiyousei, knocking her back in the air a bit. "Ahn!" Promptly, she recovers with a backflip that gave her forward momentum, somehow.

Mokou swings her hanger grandly. " _Hra~h!_ "

...Daiyousei's eyes widen, and she moves to the left quickly.

FWUUU~SH

Holy _crap!_

...A thick geyser just erupted from the floor beneath the fairy. It shot farther into the air than the backstage's freakin' height. Daiyousei seems to have grazed it, though.

Once the water dissipated- and a tiny rainstorm began as a result of the geyser- there was an _actual_ hole in the stage! Yo!

"Cirno! Cast Triple Glacier!" Daiyousei commands her friend like a freakin' Pokemon.

...Cirno just drops off the wall, and faceplants on the floor.

"A-ah..!?" Suddenly, Daiyousei realizes she's standin' alone. Well… she's actually got that sunflower fairy there, but all it did after Mokou cast the water beam was hide in a corner.

Aiming at her again, Mokou unleashes the final move!

 _Fwuuu~sh!_

Bam! The water slammed into the wall again.

...As the stream died down, Daiyousei was pressed against the wall. Her harp fell from her, clattering against the floor.

…

I clap my hands, gingerly raising my arms in the air. "Woo."

...

After a while, the audience gives a very confused sort of clap, and a neutral murmur. They got no idea what they just saw!

"That… was…" Aya cups her face in her hands. "Okay."

Rinnosuke made a 'not bad' sorta face. "The resulting victory was bittersweet, and not without losses, but a victory regardless. Even if Frost Nine is _technically_ still standing. I'm fine with Burlington Fluff moving forward."

Akyuu sighed. "This performance made me sad. Burlington Fluff can go because I like their name.. and I saw that one yuki-onna feed her friend a potion when she needed it. That was cute."

Yo!

"None of that was music, except for when that fairy played the harp." Aya was frustrated. "...I'm givin' my call to Frost Nine, because they used _instruments._ "

Ey… fook you.

"...I guess Burlington Fluff advances, though." Aya recognizes when the majority wins, though. "Good job. Please, next time… play _something_ that resembles music."

I give her a salute! "We'll try, yo! Don't _worry,_ yo, we got it all figured out!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After plopping Futo's body down on the table, and watching Mokou slide in the fossilized Kaguya, I took a seat at the table…

"Oof." My body, it aches.

…

It's a lot quieter with the two aristocrats out of commission.

…

"Well…" Mokou speaks up, sitting at the chair she was at before. "Shit."

Yeah.

…

"You gonna, uh… thaw Kaguya?" I give Mokou a helpful suggestion.

She stares at me dryly. "Do I have to?"

The curtain to our booth swings open. Ho ho!

...It's Byakuren!

"Hello, friend." I wave to her. "Help."

She snorted. "Yes, that is the reason I was sent here. I volunteered with the medical team." Yo ho ho.

Reaching into her pockets, Byakuren pulls out some kind of… pad thing. It looks like a freakin' single defibrillator pad, 'cept it's also pretty boxy.

Moving up to Futo, she puts it on the unconscious girl's forehead, and slides a surface on the top. A yellow glow slowly spreads across Futo, the small crackles of reminiscent danmaku energy dying out.

"She'll wake up soon." Byakuren gave a small nod. "And…"

Moving up to Kaguya, she simply brought her arm back, and gave the ice a chop-

Crack!

"Woah- shit!" Unceremoniously, Kaguya flailed her limbs, pushing the two halves of the ice block away from herself, sliding to the floor. "Guh…"

"There." With that, Byakuren turned around, leaving. "I'm afraid I must get going."

I give her a thumbs up! "Alright, yo. Don't let someone force feed you fluffles."

...She turns to me, her brow raised, before walking away as normal. Wahaha!

"A-ah…" Fighting to stand, Kaguya eventually gets onto her feet, hobbling to the table to steady herself. "Geez…"

"Nnh…" Futo slowly sits up. "Wha~h…"

"Hi, friend." Stepping towards her casually, I slouch.

...After blinking a bit, she focuses on me. "...What occurred?"

"We were force fed fluffles." I stare at the floor. "Oof."

Futo's eyebrows slowly went up. "...What… is that supposed to mean?"

Grinning at the situation, Mokou spoke. "We made it. Barely."

"Oh, good, good…" Kaguya took a breath, before managing to stand properly. "I had thought one of you might screw things up in my absence."

"Fuck you." Mokou made her hostility known!

Almost automatically, Kaguya just stuck her middle finger up at her.

We're friendly over here, yo...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: SANAE'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Sitting at the table in our booth, I give my hands another once over…

I smile at them. "These are so~ gonna hurt later…" They're currently covered in not-so-healthy-looking bandages, because I tore them up on the guitar earlier. I hope those camera things record, because I wanna see myself tear up my hands! That probably looked awesome!

I'm just hoping my skirt didn't stain on stage… 'cause it was when I woke up later. Eheh...

Suwako-sama turned to me, grinning. "I'm sure this village sells some kinda healing potion. That, or you could remember to heal yourself."

Shrugging, I clarify something. "I didn't forget, Suwako-sama. They actually look kinda cool, even if they do hurt a little!" I hold up my bandaged arms! The bandages are tight enough for me to probably play the guitar still, even if I can't feel the strings well now.

"Uhm…" Hina spoke up from aside her giant amp. "Co-couldn't you just… heal your hands, but keep the bandages on?"

…

Taking my gohei, I point it into the air-

Di-di-di~ng! A green and yellow wreath floats over my head like a halo, for a moment, before disappearing.

There we go. All better! Only used an eighth of my mana, too!

Shizuha facepalmed. "Really, Sanae…"

Hey. "C'mo~n. Bandage arms are _cool_. Why do you think Kasen has one?"

"I mean… nevermind." Shaking her head, the leaf goddess looks back at her series of wood stereos. "Minoriko~. Did you patch up all the danmaku scorch marks yet?"

...Stepping out from behind one, Minoriko raised an arm. "Yea~h, sis. I hammered all the patches in."

...The patches were something they called 'potato leather'. I~... don't know how that works, but it doesn't smell, and it looks kinda sorta like leather.

Before us, the screen flickers to life. "He~y! Now that we've gotten that _mess_ cleaned up…" Aya, couldn't you turn down the TV things? Like, a little…? "...Up next will be the Village Bards, and Native Faith!"

O-oh, us already!? Wow, the second set's going kinda fast…!

Suwako-sama hops on ahead, towards the opening door, and I quickly run after her. Village Bards will be our opponent… so this might be easy. I'm not trying to disrespect the village or anything, but… they're not known for, uhm… being good at anything. Besides defending the village, I mean! I _think_ they do that well.

Once I'm out on the stage, I hear the audience cheer at our presence. Wo~w!

"Hehehe~!" Suwako-sama leaps high into the air, and lands softly. "Who's ready for _round two!?_ "

The audience gets excited! Suwako-sama _really_ knows how to project her voice...

As my band quickly sets up, I look at the stage across from us…

A myriad of villagers come out of the door. At first, a group of six come out, men and women carrying drums, horns, and violins. It… would be hard to describe them, 'cause they all have rather mundane looks, but there's six of them, and they've got these navy blue robes on.

Wait- that's not all? They've also got six guardsmen from the village guard, it seems. They all come out with swords and bows, which means three bowmen and three swordsmen. What good will swordsmen do in a strictly ranged battle…?

...That's a lot of people for a band. And- no way…

Six more villagers come out, these ones not dressed in consistant clothing. One was a man of short stature, with a bowl cut. Actually, I think he's a kid… he might be younger than I am! He's got some official village suit on. Behind him are two priests, and two of those guys in purple robes Reimu told me about the other day.

The final villager to come out is a burly guy in a tanktop dragging a big crate. The crate's bigger than he is, and has some air holes along the top.

...That's _eighteen_ villagers in total. Wow. That's more like an orchestra!

"Th-that's… a lot of people." Hina comments on how many people they brought.

"Only six got instruments, though…" Shizuha points out. "I don't think those stupid guards will do anything, either."

Tilting her head, Minoriko also makes commentary. "They got magic guys, too, so they're up to _something_."

Her sister agrees, narrowing her eyes. "Yeah…"

Suwako-sama just hops back, and onto the seat of her drum set, which materialized mysteriously behind her. "All we gotta do is play and shoot danmaku! We'll change things up if we hafta later."

...I can get behind that! "Alright, Suwako-sama!" Bringing my guitar up, I call over to the other side! "Good luck everyone!"

...Instead of replying to me, the villagers began shifting on the stage, taking a formation. The guardsmen moved forward first, and the priests and… purple almost-priests moved behind them. Behind _them_ was the bowl-cut teenage boy, and in the very back was the performers.

...The burly dude just hid behind his crate, off to the right and out of everyone's way.

"How's it going, everyone!?" Aya's voice blares from the judge's stand, projected by her microphone.

I wave to everyone! "We're doing great!"

Aya looks at the other band. "How about you, Village Bards?"

...The thin, bowl-cut kid adjusts himself, and takes out two objects. One's a microphone, and the other's- is that a flintlock?

"W-we…" He tries to speak, but his voice comes out a bit weak. Clearing this throat, he tries again. "...We will bring back the village's honor. No god may stand in the way… of the will of our people."

...Wha~h? Also, he had an adolescent sorta voice. He's definitely younger than me.

…

He lowers his microphone. I'm _pretty_ sure he just dissed us. Awwh…

The crowd quiets down, the boy's words subduing their energy.

He raises his microphone again, and speaks into it. "This will be an example of true leadership. The village protects."

...Lowering it again, he scans the judge's stand with a hard expression.

Aya's just giving him a dry look. "...Oka~y." Immediately, she perks up. "Well, then! Let the playing… _commence!_ "

…

Slowly, the village band picks up, playing a rather subdued but cheery party piece. Instead of using the instruments they came out with, the actual band people just pulled out flutes, tambourines, and tinier violin-like instruments. I~... don't really know about stringed instruments!

...This track is actually kinda cute sounding!

Suwako-sama begins softly playing along, keeping the beat. The Aki sisters easily jump right in because they've got flutes, too.

...Oo~h, this is clever of them. My electric guitar doesn't really do 'soft'... and I don't think it's really a great string instrument on its own.

Hina's keytar kicks in, playing some subtle continuous notes…

If she can adjust a keyboard to play an acoustic piece, I can somehow make an electric guitar work!

...Giving things a moment, I strum along to the beat. My guitar's a little clumsy at first, but after some experimentation, I find a good way to keep up with the rhythm…!

 _Vrr-vrr-vrrr_ _~! Vr-vr-vrrr~..._

...Eventually, the audience starts to clap along!

We send some slow, scattered waves of danmaku towards the villagers, keeping things sedate for now. Just some scattered orbs and things with no real rhyme or reason, or intent…

The swordsmen and archers all form a wall of bodies, protecting the supporting members. That's pretty neat!

Kneeling down, the archers draw their bows. Uh oh…

Floating into the air, I eye them a little warily. These barriers only allow danmaku and magic, right?

They fire their arrows-

Kla-kla-klack. They bounce off the barrier before them.

With that, the two purple priests raise their staves. Dark energy flows into the air, and towards the front line…

The archers raise their bows again, aiming up at me since I'm now in the air. The arrows now glow with purple energy… which I don't think is danmaku.

Drawing the arrows, they let them fly-

Woah! _Fast!_

Thu-thu-thunk. This time, they stuck in the wall behind me. If… one of those hit me…

"Looks like they're not playing fair, either." Suwako-sama added from her drums. "Whatever you do, Sanae-chan, don't get hit by those arrows."

...You think you had to tell me that? Are-... they _that_ strong?

Quickly, I begin strafing as the archers line up their shots again.

Thu-thu-thunk. I didn't even see them release, but I saw the arrows fly, creating black lines in the air as they whizzed a safe distance away from me.

I guess this is better than getting trapped in a succubus' pain-pleasure hell dimension… but I don't know how to feel about the villagers trying to use lethal arrows on me in a casual concert thing.

...This time, the archers aim at Suwako-sama! Look out- "Suwako-sama! Look-"

I'm forced to watch them fly towards her. Two soar straight past her head, sticking in the wall behind her. The last arrow-

 _Bam!_

Once it strikes and sticks into her forehead, Suwako's head tilts back. A black shockwave echoed out once it struck, and dark energy crackled along her form.

" _Suwako-sama!_ " Sh-she's… okay, right? Suwako-sama's made of strong stuff!

…

Slowly, Suwako-sama's head cracks back into place, and she keeps drumming. "Whoo-wee!" She hollers! "Those are some arrows, alright! Reminds me of the good ol' days!"

The guards gape, the archers momentarily lowering their bows, before they raise them again, and draw more arrows.

...Taking a moment, Suwako-sama reaches to her forehead, and yanks out the arrow. "...Everything ya send to me, though…"

Three more arrows fly at her-

Woosh! Suwako-sama rockets into the air, her drumset shaking beneath her. Reeling back the arm cltuching the arrow, it begins to glow white instead of black, and rocks begin to orbit it. "I'll just _return ta sender!_ "

Suwako-sama throws her arm forward-

 _Fwish!_ The arrow flies-

 _Boom!_ When it strikes the opposing stage, a shockwave of holy energy is released along the wood floor, sending the six guardsmen all onto their sides and backs.

"Aaugh!"

"Wh-what the _fuck!?_ "

"Holy…!"

The priests stumbled back, holding their arms up despite not being in the radius. I dunno- maybe it kicked up dust. "Hua~h…!? What is the _meaning_ of this!?" One of them was angry about it, too.

...While the guardsmen were cursing, trying to get back into formation, the burly guy on the side began sliding the crate open…!

Tensing up, I point it out. "Guys! They're opening the big crate!"

Once it's fully open, a large creature comes out!

...It's an oversized fluffle, seemingly dancing in place as it progresses out of the box. It's got its fins in the air, too.

...I almost forget to keep playing. Because… like, why?

It's pretty cute, though. Even if fluffles are killers. U~gh… why can't they just be adorable and _friendly?_ I feel bad beating them up.

Thu-thu-thunk. The archers got up _that_ fast!? Actually, who did they aim for…?

Quickly twirling in the air, I look at our back wall- oh.

Minoriko was glaring ahead at them, the stereo behind her sporting three new protrusions. Our noise didn't drop, so it's probably okay.

I have to do something about these archers, because they're annoying and petty. Enh.

...This song we're playing also seems to loop every thirty seconds. I mean, it's a lively thirty seconds, but…

Taking advantage of the energetic point in it that occurs every thirty seconds, I play a guitar solo!

 _Verr-vr-vr-verr~! Vr-vr-vrr~... vr vr vr, vr~, vr vr~..._

Still imitating Koakuma's nonspell, I shoot streams of thick emerald bullets at the archers. I know they'll have trouble dodging, but it's payback for trying to kill us during a festival.

Promptly, the swordsmen move to eat the emerald bullets that are almost as big as they are. Uhm… the big white area around the bullets is actually safe to be in, but if you guys just wanna… jump into them…

One of the swordsmen tries to guard a stream, only to drop to his knees after it dissipates into him. "Aargh! Fu- _fuck!_ "

His fellow swordsmen aside him dives into the next one to keep it from hitting the archer. Said swordsman slid to the floor after his dive, refusing to get up. "Gru~h…"

A~nd the archer… instead of getting out of the way, got ready to fire at us again. Wow. The final orb of the three shot stream 'blindsided' him. That's some serious tunnel vision. "I'm taking _hits…!_ " He rolls onto his side after taking a _single_ hit, dropping his bow.

The holy-looking priests scramble to kneel next to their fallen allies. As they do so, their metal staves glow white, and they hold their hands over the guards' bodies.

"Si-sir…" The final swordsman faltered, beginning to step back. The two archers seemed to be less distracted than their friend, and began to step back like their bladed friend. "What do we do? We're being mowed down!"

Stepping up to them, their bowl-cut commander's eyes flare. "Retreat is weakness! Show solidarity!"

"But- but…!" The swordsmen stared at my emerald streams incredulously.

"That is an _order!_ " He _could've_ turned his microphone off… "Do you _defy_ me!?"

With these exclamations, the archers and swordsmen run forward again, the former setting up their bows again. I feel kinda bad for them…

Oh- woah! They actually healed the other guards from the danmaku that hit them! All three downed guys are up now- well, one's _getting_ up- but wow!

"They got some good healers over there!" I inform my fellow goddesses.

The kid turns to the burly guy. "Arm up. You're needed on the front."

Promptly, the burly guy draws a bow from his back, and starts to run towards the front line.

Then, the kid turns to the band. "Switch songs, use heavy enchanted instruments. You have thirty seconds."

He's met with a brief chorus of "yes, commander," before they proceed to put away their tambourines, tiny violins, and flutes.

As such, the music stops. My band keeps playing it, though, because a thirty second song that repeats is easy to memorize!

Thu-thu-thunk. A-ah- I… am glad I kept strafing, because I forgot the archers. Gods, that would've sucked…

The burly guy aims his bow back, aiming it into the air. He's going for some kinda rain-styled shot, even though he's only one guy.

Letting the arrow fly, it passes the gap between our stages, and lands in the wood-

 _Boom!_ It explodes near Suwako-sama's drum set, failing to do much other than shake it.

"Rea~lly…" Suwako-sama looks like her patience is being tested.

"Archers, permission to enable the auto-danmaku strings." The boy commands. "We need dark priests on the band."

Promptly, the arrows of the archers stopped glowing purple and black. Instead, the strings began to glow red, and when they lined up their arrows on them, they also became tinted red. They're still lethal arrows, they're just using danmaku purely to get it through the barrier. Reimu might need to make a move disallowing that sort of thing…

The archers wince, the danmaku-filled strings hurting their fingers. So _that's_ why they didn't do this from the start…

They let the arrows fly, and I dart to the side quickly-

Thu-thu-thunk. Yeah, pretty much just normal arrows now, probably.

 _Boom!_ Another arrow falls from above, exploding next to Suwako-sama, knocking one of her drums over.

"Alright…!" Suwako stands on her seat, and begins generating a big rock in her left hand. "You wanna lob hand grenades around!? Let's lob some hand grenades!"

Leaping high into the air, throwing the boulder in her hand as she does so, she zips up with it, and smacks it down towards the opposing stage like a volleyball.

In seconds, it touches down-

BAM

"Guraoh!" The burly dude is sent soaring, the rock sending a powerful shockwave spreading outwards. I swore I could feel that, and I'm in the _air_ …

...Suwako-sama drops onto her seat, and crushes it on landing by accident. "Oh- awh…" ...She raises the earth beneath herself to act as a replacement seat.

The instruments of the opposing band begin playing, somewhat conflicting with what we've been playing.

Moving aside them, the dark priests hold their staves up, and begin channeling dark magic into the instruments.

Suddenly, their music was as loud as our electronic instruments! Huh. Dark magic, indeed…!

This song was nowhere as delightful as the last. This one's more like some kinda war tune… except with violins and horns!

Small, red danmaku pellets come from the instruments, drift into the air, then haphazardly dart at us. Some seem aimed, while others just go wherever.

Since it's a military tune, however, it's really repetitive! Bringing up my guitar, I keep strafing to avoid the arrows as I play along to the repetitive beat…

Thu-thu-thunk. More arrows whizzed by me. Why are they aiming at _me_ , anyway…? Not that I want them to hurt my friends, but… you know? What'd I _do?_

Weaving past the breeze of danmaku, I point my guitar down like a rifle, and shoot danmaku from it! Woohoo~!

The small green bullets flew into one of the swordsmen, and he ate _all_ of them, right to the chest. "Gugh…" Promptly, he dropped to his knees, crackling with emerald energy…

The bowl-cut boy stepped aside his archers, and aimed his flintlock across the stage. "Hold the line! Damn it- _hit_ one of them! _One_ of them!"

One of the archers glanced at him, hastily trying to multitask focusing on him and aiming his bow. "Si-sir, your order was to prioritize-"

"If you cannot hit her after _five volleys_ , then aim at the support!" The boy jerked his pistol towards one of us, before-

Bang!

"Eee!" Hina spun in the air, gradually slowing down. "...Th-that was rude."

Phew. He didn't hit her… I think. Was that a real bullet? I think that's definitely illegal. Or, at least it should be...

...The boy glared at his gun, before moving to adjust it.

Thu-thu-thunk! "Eaaugh!?" What!?

I turn back to Hina, only to find two of the three arrows fired towards her have torn into her dress.

"Ow, ow, ow~..." Hina grit her teeth, the danmaku energy spreading through her form. In retaliation, she began to float up to join me in being aggressive, firing off red, long bullets of danmaku.

The addition of aimed bullets caused the guards to drop left and right, again.

"I-it's… no use…" An archer fell onto his back, after one of Hina's thin bullets headshotted him.

"Th-...there's too many of 'em!" Stabbing his sword into the floor, one of the guardsmen dropped onto his knees, breathing heavily as magical energy assaulted his form.

One of the priests stopped healing, running back. "Sir! Sir, what do we do!?"

...Slowly, the boy looked down at the floor.

The last standing swordsman was futily swinging his blade at the danmaku bolts. To his credit, he actually stopped one or two! Of, like, a few hundred total...!

The remaining archer began to lower his bow, his friend at his side kneeling down in pain.

...Wow. I feel kinda bad for using so much danmaku on them, again. Why do they just jump into it? Really, you'd think those priest dudes could make some magical barriers for the band…

Suwako-sama comments on their declining state! "Looks like this is almost over! Good job, everyone!"

...Looking up, the boy commander glared at his men. "If you will not _serve me_ in combat, then you'll serve on the _firing line!_ "

Awwh. Watching him get angry is kinda adorable…

He raises his flintlock again, a clicking noise coming from it. ...Why's he pointing that-

Blam!

The swordsman before him crumples forward without grace. A wide spray of blood was cast to the air, before splaying across their stage floor.

Thud.

...

...He… he just killed him. My Gods.

Suwako-sama whistles. "...Didn't expect ta see _that_ kinda thing these days…"

"Oh-oh, no…" Hina's face falls. "Why?"

...I glance over at the judge's stand.

Aya's jaw is dropped, staring down at their stage with an expression somewhere between amused and baffled.

Akyuu looks similar, except she's just baffled. Maybe a little disgusted, too...

Rinnosuke's eyebrows were raised, but he didn't emote different than normal otherwise. Hrm…

Well, I don't know about everyone else… but I think executing your band mates is, like… something you can penalize. Why would he do that?

My band stops playing, even if theirs keeps going for some reason. Talk about a mood killer. I'm expecting for the guardsmen to turn around and yell at him for being so… ruthless.

...The archers get back up, and take aim again. What?

"Grh~..." The two remaining swordsmen seem to fight off the pain from the danmaku, and work to get up again.

Their supporting priests wordlessly move to heal the wounded, and the burly dude gets up, loading three arrows into his bow.

...They're not doing anything. Okay, they're getting ready to attack _us_ … but are they really just going to ignore what just happened!?

Thu-thu-thunk! Woah woah woah! Arrows, too close for comfort! Move faster, move-

Thu-thu-thunk! More already!? How!?

Three explosive arrows touch down beneath me-

Boom-bam-boom!

...As the smoke clears, I see rocks lower from around Suwako-sama's drumset. Seems like she spawned them to defend. "You guys _sure_ know how to be annoying!" She's not happy with the other band, either!

"Silence, _vermin!_ " The boy barks back at her, raising his flintlock. "I shall _prove_ your mortality!"

Blam!

 _Thunk!_

Suwako-sama's head reels back again, the shot piercing it. I tense up, but considering her showing earlier…

There we go. Suwako-sama's head clicks itself back into place, letting me see the clean bullet hole in her forehead. As it slowly closes, she gives him a grin. "That ain't how gods work, boy. But if ya wanna keep experimentin', we've got _a~ll_ day."

Lowering his flintlock, the boy points at her. "Focus on the small one! We must exemplify our resolve!"

Looks like we're going to keep experimenting, then…! As long as-

Thu-thu-thunk.

-they stop firing arrows at me. That would be _nice_.

...The danmaku coming at us seemingly doubles in speed and bullets. There weren't that many to begin with, so it's not a big difference.

Cra-crack! Rocks jut out before Suwako-sama, blocking another volley of arrows. When did those archers get so fast!?

Bam-boom-boom! More explosive arrows rain down on her rock shield, doing nothing to it but kicking up dust.

I have to end this soon, or else that kid's going to hurt one of my bandmates… or another one of _his_ bandmates!

Floating to the front of the stage, I cast my spell card! "Miracle! Daytime Guest Stars!"

Throwing my arm forward, I send a bright ball of light hurtling above the opposing stage.

"What…!?" The boy brings his gun back up, aiming at it. " _Pathetic!_ "

Blam! He shot it. The bullet did nothing because it's a ball made of light magic… and his bullet was probably either purely physical or just magical enough to pierce the dividing barrier. Magic beats bullets!

The holy orb I summoned proceeds to rain down smaller, star-shaped danmaku onto the stage below, all following a linear path outward from the main star…

In result, their entire band was thrown into chaos!

"It's no good…!" An archer fell backwards, despite not necessarily being in the danger zone. "We can't hold 'em…!"

The priests began running in circles, having trouble because of their robes. The stars pelted the band, causing them to stop playing and use their instruments as shields.

"Cowards! Youkai _sympathizers!_ " Enraged again, that boy begins to whip his head around, baffled by his band. "I will have somebody's _head_ for this!"

No! Not if I can help it!

As he pans his gaze around, I draw a pentagram in the air before me, and send it out with my free hand.

The boy doesn't notice it until it's too late, so he shoots it-

Blam!

-I'd like to know when flintlocks got clips… or infinite ammo.

 _Thwa-thwa-thwash!_ The magic pentagram tore into him, before launching him back into the stage's back wall. "Guhuh!" ...He slowly slides down onto his bum. "Ueh…"

...With him down, his band members all begin to retreat to various corners of the stage. The archers stop to fire, but their arrows go at crazy angles or just flop to the ground…

…

Well, no one's playing music anymore!

...

After a long, awkward silence, the judges speak up. Aya goes first! "...We~ll. I~... don't think we _formally_ made it a rule, or anything, but… y'know, if you can't kill in danmaku… well, you can't kill in danmaku, even if it's friendly fire. We're probably gonna have to disqualify you for that..."

Rinnosuke adds onto that. "This is a _danmaku_ competition, Village Bards. Not a 'firing line'."

Getting up from the wall quickly, the boy aims his gun at the judges. "...I'll consider your criticisms carefully. However, I must express my own concerns about the shortcomings of this 'danmaku' system of-"

"Yeah, yeah." Cutting him off, Aya waved her hand. "Take it up with the miko. You signed up knowing this was danmaku, then you shot your friend in the back of the head. Clearly _you_ were the one not on the same page, here."

The boy's eyebrows raise, and he yells. "But- on behalf of the village-!"

"Don't even _go_ there." Aya sighs. "I'm sure the audience is _really_ happy you're trying to represent them. And, you know what? I'll give 'em a break, and say I don't think you represented them well."

Blam!

Ti~ng!

...The boy's bullet rang off the barrier. He grinned. "That would have been your head, had you not such a petty barrier up."

Wo~w. This kid's going all or nothing, huh…? 'Give me liberty or give me death'!

"Just get off the stage." Aya is finished talking to the brick wall.

...Turning around, the boy growled. "Sinful tengu _scum…_ "

Dude, turn your microphone off! Oh, geez… Aya just frowns at him. Did he really have to say that?

One of the priests nears him, and we hear him over the microphone. "Uhm… young commander-"

"What?" The boy scornfully glares at him.

...Steeling himself, the priest chides him. "You need to stop."

...Not following, the boy just looks inquisitive. "...Doing?"

"Your actions condemn the village, and condemn peace." The priest talks down to him. You go, holy dude! "...While I share the opinion that youkai are deceitful… it may not be exactly good discipline to-"

Wait- no! The boy- he drew his-

Blam!

Nooo~!

"Heresy!"

...That one word was his entire excuse. With rigid posture, he marched off stage, followed by complacent guards, priests, and performers.

Behind them laid the body of the priest, blood pooling and flowing into the stage's wood from his head.

…

Aya's head thudding against her stand could be heard over the microphone.

Akyuu's expression was dull. "I don't want to live in this village anymore."

I don't even live here, and this place routinely gives me the heebie jeebies. I don't think _everyone_ here is bad- like Reimu's sometimes led to believe- but… situations like this make it hard.

Somewhat dully, my band packs up their things…

…

That tubby fluffle across the stage is still dancing. Should… should someone do something about that?

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

We~ll, that was an experience. Freakin'... that kid, yo. Who does he think he is, the freakin' lord commander of the village guard? Although shootin' his guys in the face took some balls. He's lucky Reimu was out of town on business!

Pretty sure he's on everyone's shitlist now, though, so rest in tombstones, friend.

"...On occasion, I find myself disappointed in what youkai have wrought from humanity." Futo makes a vexing statement…!

In contrast, Kaguya makes a statement easy to digest. "On occasion, the human village is even more retarded than usual."

Mokou's grinning, though! "Keine's gonna fucking _destroy_ him."

Lookin' back at the camera, I pay attention to Aya as she corrects her posture. "With that, we'll be taking a break as we prepare for our finals! Stick around, everybody!"

The screen flickers out, the orb things at its edges moving to convene again.

…

"We should get more foodage…" I resolve. It's late enough for me to actually get tired, so I need more sustenance to not die. Can I get a hanger of not falling asleep…?

As I head for the exit of our booth, Mokou and Ha-chan follow along behind me. "Yeah, I hear that…" The former folds her arms behind her head.

"Bring me back confectionary." Futo made a casual request.

"Get drinks this time." Kaguya stole Mokou's seat for the time being…

With that, the three of us left the booth!

Outside of it, there was a row of entrances to different booths lined up along the backwall of the stage. The booths for defunct bands were open and observably empty, some of them already removed completely.

"...Where the _frik_ 're the food stalls?" I make idle chatter as we move to the more public parts along the stageside. They're probably swamped right now.

"Around." Mokou was helpful. "You'll see 'em."

Once we get out into the clearing to the right of the stagemania-... oh. I see the stands, alright… and yes, they're freakin' crowded.

"Woa~h…" Ha-chan gaped. "So many people…"

...You were on _stage!_ You _saw them!_

Mokou snorted. "...Where were you?"

Smiling widely, Ha-chan informed us. "I was with you, but only in spirit!"

As we talked, we gradually moved towards the food stands… until we were stopped by the great horde. Oof.

…

Mokou slipped her hands into her pockets as more hungry people gathered behind us, locking us into place in line.

"...It's cramped." Ha-chan tried backing up, but bumped her wings into me.

"Welcome to the village." Mokou monotoned, not glancing at her.

"Wau~..." The crowd gets denser, and Ha-chan nearly freakin' tips me over by backing into me.

Promptly, someone bumps into Mokou, and she bumps them back. "Hey, hey…"

Food stands are swamped. Send help.

"Yeah yeah- move! Scoot! Holy- when the hell were there so _many_ of ya!?"

Turning around, I see someone trying to muscle their way through the crowd. I can't necessarily see from here despite me being tall, but they've got amber hair and… one horn.

That's _Yuugi_. She's up here for the concert thing, probably.

...Oh, hey, there's a giant Suika behind her, too. Despite this Suika being as tall as Yuugi, it was more like she just resized her loli self.

...Gradually, they slowly sifted their way through the people without bashing them away. I like how people are just totally indifferent that oni are trying to get past them. Oh- just some big scary sexy superwomen trying to pass me? Nope! Fuck 'em! I need my sugar-covered pretzels!

On that note, if they have fried dough here, yo, ho ho ho…! That'd be alright with me!

Eventually, Yuugi shoulders her way towards where we are. Mokou speaks up! "Hey."

Yuugi notices her, and gives her a nod. "Yeah- hey. Damn, this is the most humans I've seen in once place since… a _while_."

"You don't come up here, much." Mokou pointed out. "...Actually, when was the last time…?"

They know each other, apparently.

"During that one incident where everyone was beating the crap out of each other." Yuugi grinned widely. "Good shit. Too bad it only lasted a day."

...Casually, Yuugi shouldered by me, which smooshed me into Ha-chan, which smooshed her into someone else, and-

"Ow! Hey, watch it!"

"Oh, God, no…!"

"Aaah!"

A murmur of displeasure came from the crowd as everyone ahead of Ha-chan fell forward like dominos.

"...Oops." Yuugi snickered. "Yeah, uhm… that happened. Not my fault."

Suika giggled. "Hic! Yoo~h… clumsy _oof_."

Turning to her briefly, Yuugi made a jab at her slurring. "If we weren't surrounded by humans, I'd show _you_ how to make a clumsy _oof_."

Suika promptly latches onto her arm, actually stopping Yuugi's momentum. "Wha' was that, ya plump-titted unicorn?"

...Yuugi just sighs, and begins pulling Suika along with her. "Not here, you oversized midget. The hell you gonna eat, anyway?"

"...Food." Suika nodded sagely. Wahaha!

Within moments, the two oni cut ahead even further, out of hearing range…

Mokou begins moving to follow them. "Get up. We'll tail 'em so we actually get through this mess before we fall asleep."

Oh hey, that's a good idea. Alright…!

Gettin' up, I pull Ha-chan up with me. "C'mere, you- yo!" Freakin', she just threw her weight into me and nearly bowled me over! "Ea~sy, yo…"

As we navigate in Mokou's wake, the line of people that were domino'd began to get back up, too…

Moving in a concise line behind Mokou, we quickly actually get to the food stalls!

This stall has no fried dough, only cookies and muffins. Hmm.

"...Gettin' here was half the battle." I hear Yuugi comment to Suika while trying to navigate to a different stall.

Too many freakin' people! I'm contemplating making stuff explode for the sake of getting everyone to back the frik up.

"...I got a feelin' we won't be getting drinks." Moving forward, Mokou picked up a single muffin, before digging into her pockets for cash.

We~ll, I guess I'll take a few cookies… and Futo did want 'confectionaries', which includes muffins and cookies, I think. Well, they'd probably barely count, but they still count!

The old man at the counter nodded at us. "...Fourteen hundred yen."

Mokou placed the amount of her muffin, which seemed to be four hundred. Y'see, the number he stated sounds stupid, but s'like, one thousand four hundred. Fourteen bucks!

I hand over the thousand yen. Gotta spend money to spend money, yo…

Sixty-four thousand, two hundred yen left! I purchased a muffin and three cookies. The muffins seemed to be four hundred yen per, and the cookies two hundred per.

"Have a nice day!" The old man is courteous.

"You bet." Mokou gives him a wave, before turning around. The crowd of people quickly formed an open space for us to get the hell out so that it could be their turn.

...Noticing Ha-chan's hungry stare, I give her one of the cookies.

"Omphf!" She immediately becomes one with it, crushing it and shoving it into her mouth. "Mmm!"

Yeah, that's about what I expected. She even freakin' _taste_ that as it went down?

Once we were out of the mess of a crowd, we quickly made our way back to the village of abandoned band booths. In fact, we made it back just in time to see the Village Bards getting out of dodge! In a single-filed line, all of them were marchin' out…

The kid commando stood on a crate, overseeing them as they lined up outside of their tan-curtained booth. Me, Ha-chan 'n' Mokou all stood out of sight and just kinda observed...

"You have all dishonored his village." This kid, yo. "Make no mistake that once we get back to the guard headquarters, there _will_ be downsizes."

The friks all spoke solemnly. "Yes, commander."

Once all of them were out of the booth and moving to leave, the boy commander began to follow along behind them…

...He drew his pistol as he passed us, and pointed it at us. "You see nothing, youkai. If I find any of you following me, you will be publicly executed. Mark my words."

"Wouldn't think 'a it." Mokou had her hands in her pockets, looking bored. Well, one of her hands, anyway. The other was still holding that muffin...

He narrowed his eyes, focusing his aim on Mokou.

…

Her lack of a reaction prompted him to just shake his head, and continue following his noob patrol.

Phew. Me and guns, we don't agree at this point. Too many times have my enemies pointed freakin' pistols at me! Like no seriously, lemme see… there was that edgelord with the PC tower for a tank, there was Albus, then we had _this_ dude, and we had my evil clone with the sniper rifle…

Je~sus. When's it gonna be my turn to go on a point and click adventure?

Mokou munched on her muffin, moving to our booth again.

After quickly gulping it down, she made an observation. "There's nothing in this muffin."

"Plain muffin, huh?" Well, it _is_ the village. Wouldn't be surprised if they couldn't get their hands on-

"No." She holds up the muffin for me… to see…

It's hollow. After Mokou bit into it, it seems to have deflated.

...I look at my pristine muffin in wonderment. "Dude. _Souffle_ muffins."

Moving to get inside the booth, she grins. "Apparently. What a rip. That crowd's gonna kill him." Poor muffin souffle baker.

We are now inside the booth!

"That took too long." Futo was now at the only chair, her arms folded. "Where be my confectionaries?"

Walking over to her, I hand her the muffin. "Confectionary."

...She gives it a hard stare, before moving to bite into it.

Fwi~f. It deflates once she sinks her teeth into it.

Futo has no words.

"Confectionary." I reinforce the premise.

"Gammerstang." A _what_ now? "To think ye'd waste funds on a jeer so poor." Futo gives me a bitter frown...

"Hey, yo." I put my hands up! "I didn't know they'd be freakin' eighty percent smoke and mirrors!"

...Lookin' away, I see Kaguya standing over some fluffles.

"Just- look…" She's also exasperated, apparently. "Can you things do _anything?_ "

...The three fluffles look at one another. One holds up its fins. "fins!" It's excited!

"Ur~gh…" Kaguya groans. "Fucking dust people."

...I ya~wn. Oof…

"Oh, right." Looking away from the fluffles, Kaguya gestures to the table. "Byakuren stopped by again, with some Drop-Me-Nots."

Mokou jerked her head back. "You dropped your _nuts?_ "

"Pft-...!" Bringing her sleeve up, Kaguya forcibly stifled a giggle from herself. "...N-no, Mokou. It's a potion that keeps you from sleeping for another hour. It's normally expensive as shit, but they're complementary here. Prismrivers must be fucking _loaded._ "

Considering they're holding this concert in the first place, I had kinda figured they had more money than they even knew what to do with. I mean… they're _ghosts_. What're _ghosts_ gonna do with money?

...I hold up the pink and cyan mixture. Oh, boy, this is gonna wreak havoc on my innards, isn't it?

Mokou takes hers and downs it without a thought. Promptly, she stumbles back, as if the wind was taken out of her. "...Egh. Wow."

Good. Whelp, bottoms up! Popping open the Drop-Me-Not, I pour it into my mouth and- what the _fuck_. Oh God- I wanna hurl. The pink and cyan stuff- it's like it's just… _sliding_ down my throat. It's like _oil!_ Holy…!

"Kaugh, kauf…!" Throat is irritated! Christ on a bike! "Kau~fgh…"

"I know thy pain." Futo sympathized, staring drolly over from her chair.

Pulling out Deep Blue, I held it over my mouth and twisted it on. It spritzed me in the face, but I don't care! Just need something to wash this _liquid rubber_ down…

Gh… "Kak-kaugh…" My eyes are watering…

After a few moments of chugging hanger water, I turn off Deep Blue, and look around…

"Damn." Mokou was grinning. "I know the shit's toxic, but it's not _that_ bad."

"Sp- kaugh- speak for yo- yourse-..." Dude, what the hell was in that potion!? Now I know why it keeps you up for another hour! Freakin'...!

That's it, I'm just gonna… drink more hanger water. Yeah. Jeez…

…

Ha-chan downs her Drop-Me-Not with some slow sips. "Wo~w! ...It needs sugar." She tilts her head, holding up the bottle. "It's like candy, but without the sugar. Why…?"

"That _fucking_ fairy." Kaguya decided to lampshade my companion's lunacy. "How are you not dead yet?"

Ha-chan smiled. "I ask myself the same question!"

A'ight… "I'm gonna~... take a walk, yo." I begin moving for the booth exit...

"Don't crawl into a hole and die." Mokou addresses me before I go. "We need your shit."

I give her a thumbs up. "If you die- I mean- if I die..." I screwed that up!

She grins. "Just take your fuckin' walk."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 52

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY:

Youkai Inconveniencer - Semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but isn't particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Slight damage vulnerability when used, which has worn over time. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger's gained the ability to deal electrical and holy damage. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy...

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out what they are…

Toasty Yuki-onna Kimono - Best winter clothing twenty fifteen. Fifty percent ice and freezing resistance, but _negative_ fifty percent fire and burning resistance!

Sixty-five thousand, two hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have! I should do this for potions, too...

Eight Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point...

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I _really_ have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

Hana, the Electric Elemental Stalker Maid - She's friendly, dude. She's getting better at using thunder magic, too! Cyan hair and eyes, likes to be fluffy, so on and so forth. I don't got a whole lot ta add about her… Oh, yeah, she's weak to earth magic, I think.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Sometimes can cast a slightly stronger lightning bolt… but it still can't fry people!

INVENTORY:

Probably some rocks - Yeah.

Mononobe no Futo, the Shikaisen from Ancient Japan - Fluffy haired friend. Summons plates of doom, and can make boats and stuff out of them. She can also cast complex spells with them of many elements.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Summoned plates!

INVENTORY:

I dunno.

Fujiwara no Mokou, the Crimson Watchguard - Casual fire-controlling immortal. Immune to instant death attacks…? Revives when killed, proportional to how badly killed- to a limit, anyway. Immune to fire magic.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Fire Magic - Fists and _flames!_

INVENTORY:

Some Money - I dunno, enough to buy muffins with.

Unknown - Woah no.

Kaguya Houraisan, the Eternal Princess - Undying NEET princess. Immune to instant death attacks…? Masterful caster of time magic, and practitioner of many different elements. Probably immune to time magic.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Good question!

INVENTORY:

Lots Of 3DSes - She's a walking LAN party.

Unknown - Help, no.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

i dragged my feet and now i am here yo

took my sweet time getting here because holy _SHIT_ college- yes that's gonna be what i constantly whine about from now on because _it's not really all that unfounded yo_

...and playing warhammer 40k dawn of war

and reading other fanfics

and some other things-

but mostly STRESSING OVER COLLEGE

may've made the sanae vs. village bards thing too long but it also flows well so i don't think it's that bad… same could be said for the brad team vs cirno team scene

this tournament went on a BIT LONGER THAN I BARGAINED FOR, but it's almost done now! we're in the FINALS yo

yes the boy commander is a COMMISSA- _*BLAM*_ HERESY!

also forgot to mention how the succubus' band's song's lyrics were based off of UmJammer Lammy's 'Vital Idol' stage… although imagining the singing is probably better than the actual singing from the game XD

despite me taking nearly a week just to write this one chapter i'll probably still get done in the same time as if I was still working on GENSOKYOBOUND. (unless i spend even more time between freakin' chapters)

we shall continue to unconditionally move forward!

y'know it's funny- when i take a long time to write certain scenes it always feels like, "oh my god who would want to read THIS much" but then i like stop while at school for awhile then read it over and go "oh huh it's actually like only so and so minutes of action".

as always, see you all next time!


	67. Not Quite Everyday Gensokyo

(in which we conk their conks out dood)

Alri~ght… doin' some push ups, doin' some push ups…

In the lane of mostly abandoned booth exteriors, Nazrin was scavenging. I dunno why, or if she was lookin' for anything in particular…

"What're you doing?" She was, however, perplexed by my activities.

...Standing up, I begin jumping in place. "Doin' some excercises, yo! Gotta wake my ass up! Doin' some jumpin' jacks now!"

...Her gaze turns cynical. "You know… doing that will just tire you out more."

I stop jumping, and start gesturing. "Freakin'... don't mentally _assassinate_ me, friend. If I think it'll work, to a limited capacity, it _might_ work!"

"...Okay." Nazrin just folds her arms. "Say, do you know, uh… which of these bands might've left the most stuff?"

Oh, I saw the village guys leave with jack shit except the clothes on their backs. I point at the tan booth they used ta have. "Those guys. Just up 'n' hightailed it, won't be comin' back for awhile."

"Cool…" With that, Nazrin looked around. After a moment, she whistled, running towards the tan booth.

Mice began to scurry out of the booth she stood before, moving to convene in the empty Villager Bards booth.

...Didn't see anything, yo. You know, it just occured to me… this village probably has a fucking _huge_ rodent problem. Oh, well. S'not like they can get their shit together for ten seconds to stop shooting each other and start shootin' some meeses.

…

I stretch my arms a bit more before going back towards my team's booth. Ho ho…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

As soon as I get back inside the booth, Aya unleashes a universal brown note. " _He~llo~!_ Welcome to the finals set, everybody! Honest and true judge, Aya Shameimaru, on the scene!" She gives the camera two peace signs.

Mokou exhales loudly. "Next time I see her, I'm gonna _cook_ her."

Yeah, I can agree with that sentiment…

"Rinnosuke, what is your opinion on the matches so far?" Abruptly, Aya throws one of her co-judges under the bus.

Oh, shit, was he dozing? "A-ah, yes…?" Snapping to attention, Rinnosuke glanced over at Aya, before focusing on the camera. "U~hm… interesting. Very unique."

...He turns to Aya with a dry expression, the camera still focused on him. "Thanks."

"You heard it here, folks!" Slowly, the camera pans back to Aya as she proceeds to be a little too bubbly for what is probably two in the morning. "I have the matchup list right here, too!"

Oh, boy!

The first matchup is announced! "...Big Bad Bosses, versus Native Faith!"

Oh thank Christ…

"A~nd…" We're fighting… whoever won that rabble between the fluffles and the mansion dwellers. "Scarlet Wings versus Burlington Fluff!"

Yo- beatin' fairies in the head with a plant hanger's what I do best!

"Good luck everybody!" Aya claps her hands together, givin' us a cheery smile. "The first match will happen… now!"

The door before my team begins to slide open. I'm cool with goin' first. Kinda.

"N~gh…" Futo, however, is not. "No time to prepare adequately? What point is there in announcing opponents, then?"

I shrug. "Pro'lly for the audience, not us."

...She throws her arms into the air! "What _part_ of these performances were for viewing pleasure!? An overwhelming majority aren't even musically focused!"

...I nod at her. "That's a good question!"

Fluffing up, Futo makes it clear that she's not happy that I agreed with her!

I step out onto the stage with Futo, the immortals and Ha-chan following behind us.

...Looking to our right, I see the fairy maids walking out of a door along the same wall. Da~h… I think there was an organizational error. I was wondering how this didn't happen yet. Maybe it did, and I didn't see…

Oh, crap, Meiling's here, too. I thought it was just gonna be do-nothing fairies!

"U~h…" Aya exists over the microphone. "We'll just disable the middle barriers. Scarlet Wings, get onto the other stage, if you'd please…"

Promptly, Komi- that one black-haired frik- bolted from her friends to try and punch us in the _face_. Mokou just stepped forward and kicked-

Whack!

"Ghn…!?" Komi promptly fell backwards, and onto her back. ...What was her _plan?_

"Hey, c'mo~n." Meiling casually calls out for her, already off of our stage and halfway to the other stage. I like how nonchalant she is about this, too.

"...Fuck." Komi floats into the air, and after the other fairies. I see Koi and Namori here, too… and this purple-haired fairy with bangs over her eyes. Also, that one scarlet-haired one… Hotaru? Hotaro? The one who tried to drag me to a sex dungeon of darkness and sorrow, yeah.

So… Meiling, three friks, a blind bastard, and shadow man. Six opponents! I'm honestly the most scared of Meiling, since she can actually get shit done most of the time…

Once the entire enemy team is on their stage, the translucent barriers between our stage's edges flashes to life!

Shi~ng!

...They're actually slightly red every time they shimmer. The heavier barriers on the edges are like white or light blue when they shimmer.

Meiling bows forward towards us. Ho ho…!

...Noticing none of us are reciprocating, I bow back!

Aya… just _is_. She _exists_ , dude. "Alri~ght! Scarlet Wings, are you ready for what could possibly be your _final_ round!?"

Meiling straightens herself out, and furrows her brows. "Well- do you honestly have to put it like that…?"

Totally ignoring Meiling's input, Aya turns to me. "Burlington Fluff! Do you honestly think you have _any_ shot of going home tonight in one piece!?"

...I just raise a finger-

"Good!" Aya, you son of a bitch…! "Let the playing _commence!_ "

…

Meiling calls out to her. "U~hm… we still need our equipment from the back room. We… weren't quite done setting up."

...Slowly deflating, Aya looks back down at her. "...Really? Can't you just… can't you just make do?"

Meiling grins back. "Ahaha~... that's not how it works."

Oh, yeah. They've all got instruments and cords, but nothing to plug anything into. All their stuff's probably back in their room. Although, isn't… isn't _everyone_ on guitar a bit much?

Aya just waves her off. "Oh, well. You can manage, you made it this far."

"That's- no!" Meiling is incredulous. "Just- just put the barrier down for a few moments! Let me grab a _few_ things!"

...Aya pretends to not hear her, looking away. Aya- you're supposed to be judging us. What could _possibly_ be so interesting as to make you look into the freakin' night sky?

I look over at Rinnosuke- a~nd the dude's asleep. Good.

Akyuu, at least, looks somewhat fazed by Aya's judgment, but also looks pretty tired, herself. I think she's just not speaking up for the sake 'a not spending more energy.

I am now faced… with a hard moral dilemma! Do I raise a stink for a fair fight, or do I-

"Excuse me, judge!" Kaguya steals my opportunity to earn dating sim points. Well, shit. "It would be most beneficial for all involved if you were to allow our opponents the capacity to play properly! I wish to compete in fairness and equality!"

…

With a scowl, Aya sighs. "Fine, fine… just, hurry up. You're gonna make everyone fall asleep…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Wahaha! That jump cut just saved you what would probably be a couple pages of moving crap from point A to point B, son!

"...We all _happy?_ " Aya is sad, because the crowd probably thinned out by a third in the time Meiling spent getting stuff. "We got our _diapers on?_ "

Meiling smiled patiently. "Now, Aya-"

"You got your… _safety pins?_ " Did I say 'sad'? I meant 'salty'.

...Meiling just continued to smile.

Finally, Aya gave the go-ahead. "Fight!"

Every fairy had an amp, a stereo, and a whole freakin' _kit_. On the downside- upside for us- they all had _guitars_.

...Promptly, the fairies all strummed-

VRRRR~

 _Wo~w._ _Everything's_ shaking. Sweet Jesus.

-rrrrr~...

…

After an unsure moment, the fairies tried to strum again-

 _Boom!_

Half of the stereos lit on fire, a fourth exploded, and the remaining ones just crackled and began to smoke.

"God… _damn it._ " Mokou is now sufficiently pissed off. "Can we go one _fucking_ round without someone screwing up and blowing everyone's ears out?"

"Hn~nh…" Kaguya takes a deep breath in with her nose. " _Haa~h…_ " Yeah, I think she's also not happy.

…

Meiling turned to the fairies, staring at them blankly.

The fairies immediately pointed fingers at each other.

"You guys _rea~lly_ shouldn't've broken the drums and violins last time…" Meiling decided to genuinely reflect.

Miyako! Her name just came to me. The scarlet-haired noob's name is Miyako. She walked up to Meiling, tossing her guitar aside. "Well… since we're out of funding and instruments…"

Meiling stared at her. "...We start clapping and stomping?"

"No." Miyako gave her a half-smile. "Good guess, but no. You know that _difficulty tweak_ I gave out before last round?"

Rolling her eyes, Meiling confirmed. "Ye~s. Are we really…?"

"Hell yeah!" Pounding a fist into her hand, Miyako turned away from Meiling to look at her peers. "'Sides, it worked so well for _those_ assholes, didn't it?"

"...I guess it did." At that, Meiling sighed.

Clapping her hands, Miyako yelled. "Alright, bitches! Draw your side arms!"

The fairy rabble rabbles. "Oh, great…"

"Le-let's… do this…"

"Aiming."

"Hahaha~! We're actually _doin' it!_ "

Wait- yo… are they all taking out _plant hangers?_

"Oh, fuck…" Mokou begins to strafe towards me. "You might wanna give us some shit. Like, now."

Scooping out Flame Salvo and Deep Blue-

-they're immediately plucked out of my hands by Mokou and Kaguya. Freakin'... Kaguya snuck up behind me!

Turning around, there's a Futo in my face. "Weapon, please."

...Well, she said _please_ , yo. I pull out Fairy Harp-

She rips it from me. "Appreciations!"

...Finally, I take out Tundra Bloomer-

Ha-chan somehow is behind me! Working her arms under mine, she tries to disarm me, but I use the hanger's magic to buff myself up and just stand firm.

"...Awwh." Eventually, she relaxes, realizing she's getting nowhere.

Alright. Time to see wha- a-ah!

"Tickle tickle tickle!" Ha-chan, you freakin' _weirdo!_ Aaah!

"Sto-stop, yo! Y-yo!" Throw self forward, avoid fairy! "What the frik…!"

I manage to avoid her ticklemania. Freakin'...!

"Hehehe~!" She giggles somewhere behind me.

...Lookin' around idly, I notice Kaguya just givin' me a _stare_. Just a really freakin' vain _stare_. Ho ho...

This is no time to worry about what my party thinks of my fairy adventures! I must observe the enemy party's fairy adventures…!

Komi's drawn some kinda black hanger. It has a buncha dark metal joints.

Koi's drawn a bright orange hanger. It looks like one of those orange ice cream bars, but folded into a hanger…!

Namori's hanger only has one big curve, making it look more like a crowbar rather than a hanger. It's some kinda curiously blue metal.

Miyako's got that one sand red plant hanger she always used. Freakin'...

The purple-haired fairy… where the fuck did she store that? Her hanger's… is that even a plant hanger anymore? It's a really long piece of purple metal! It also only has one curve, like Namori's.

Holy~... Meiling's got a hanger, too! She pulls out one that looks mostly identical to the stock sand red ones, but it's glimmering brightly with neon rainbow energy. Actually, didn't I see that for sale at the fluffle stands once…?

I'd like to know how they convinced the fluffles to sell 'em, if that's what they did. Freakin'... yo.

…

"Fucking _move!_ " Komi yells over at us, their team idle.

"You first!" Mokou yells back.

"Fuck you!" Komi and Mokou would make good friends.

Mokou aims Deep Blue at her. "Eat shit!"

Almost instantly, many of the applicable fairies leap out of the way. Namori actually moves _into_ the way of Mokou's incoming attack…

 _Fwuuu~sh!_ Promptly, Mokou unleashed the huge torrent of water. Meiling's clipped by it, which forces her to step out of the way, but she's somehow otherwise unaffected. A little wet, but she didn't even take _knockback_.

Bam! The surge of water hits their stage's wall, Namori's figure obscured. Yeah, Mokou's pretty much our cheese strat for opening fights, isn't she?

...Slowly the surge of water dies down-

Namori leaps from the water nearest Mokou. What the fuck!?

Mokou looked up at her, eyes widening. "Wha-"

Clo~ng! Dropping down quickly, Namori clobbers Mokou square on the head with her freakin' borderline crowbar hanger. She even gets _height_ off of the impact, proceeding to drift over Mokou…

Promptly, Mokou awkwardly falls onto her back, gritting her teeth as her head begins to bleed. "A-agh…"

"Nnh…" Namori loudly lands on her shoes well behind Mokou. As she turns around, I bolt towards her!

"I'm gonna getcha, _son!_ " No one gives one of my immortals non-permanent brain damage and gets away with it!

"Ah…!?" Looking like she just pissed herself, Namori quickly runs towards Mokou. Instead of suiciding on Mokou like I thought she would, she ran past her, and-

Sploosh. Namori fell into the water puddle on the floor. Like… _into_ it, despite it probably being just enough to soak the wood.

Running up to the puddle, I look inside. She's swimming _inside_ of it, towards her original stage, using the trail of water Mokou's attack left behind as a lane to do so.

Holy shit. I'd buy _that_ for a yen…!

"I see you're surprised!" Miyako yells over at us. "You didn't think you were the only one who knew how to arm up, did you?"

...I nod. "Honestly, I kinda did!"

Sploosh! Namori twirls out of her puddle, soaring into the air over her stage hanger-first. Freakin' eluded us, yo...

"Hey, hey!" Koi barges towards the front of their stage. "Check _this_ out!"

Holding the orange hanger ahead of herself, an orange orb slowly generates. Reeling her hanger arm back underhand, she smacks it.

The orb is lobbed into the air by her upward smack. As it soars through the air, everyone on my side begins to shift outta the way of it. It moves kinda slow, too…

When it lands-

Boom! It explodes, an amber shockwave spreading out beneath it. Mokou's not-so-limp body is slid across the wet floor a bit. "Whuah…!?" Pfft… Mokou got spooked, yo.

"Troublesome fae!" Futo reels her own hanger back. "Allow me to demonstrate _this!_ "

She swings-

Whoo~sh! A whirlwind full of glitter and fairy dust is thrown towards the fairies.

Like before, all it did was throw off their footing. Meiling was totally unaffected, too. Wait- no…! It made her _squint a little!_ Wahaha!

Kaguya aims Flame Salvo, grinning brilliantly. "Fufufu! Observe, Mokou… _this_ is how you burn foes!"

Everyone's really fond of being like 'aw dude, check _this_ out' today. Are we fighting, or just showing off our attacks…!?

As she takes aim, focusing on the landing Namori, Meiling begins to move…

"The thing's ready!" Meiling shouts descriptively. Her rainbow-colored hanger is transitioning through colors at a rapid rate, and bright electricity is running along the outside. She got critical hits enabled, or something…? Can she cheat and go off sides, too?

Fwoom! A fire elemental laser stretches towards Namori. Meiling steps into the way-

 _Kri-kri-kria~ck…!_

Promptly, the hanger's electric energy flows along Meiling's body, and she begins to glow neon-transitioning-rainbow, too!

" _Hraa~h!_ " Holding her arms out wide, Meiling stomps towards the fire beam's tip.

The beam connects with her. She doesn't light on fire, but the flames slightly lick past her torso. Surprisingly, the beam pushes her back a little, too, even though I don't think it has that much force behind it.

" _Hahaha~!_ " Meiling's voice has a freakin' echo, yo. " _This is great!_ "

...After Kaguya's flames die down, the rainbow tint around Meiling begins to falter and fizzle out. Once it does, she performs a grand leap to the back of the fairies.

Kaguya, however, has a dry expression. "Really, now. I can just do it again, you know…"

Fwoom!

Abruptly, another fire beam stretched towards Namori. This time Namori dipped into the water along the stage's floor, hiding like a freakin' _noob_.

Ti~ng…!

A purple, diamond-shaped bullet is shot towards Kaguya from that one fairy's long ass purple hanger. It hangs in the air like the bullets of the fluffle snipers…

Kaguya suddenly looks very tired. "Fuck."

Then, it pierced her, a splat of blood staining the wood behind her as the bullet went straight through her torso. "Gakh! Fu-fuhu~ck…"

Suddenly, we're bombarded by scarlet-tinted plant hangers from Miyako! They're not a big deal for most of us, but freakin'...

"Guys!" Ha-chan suddenly yells at the enemy, floating high into the air. "It's us!" ...I think they know, and that _might_ be the point.

"We know!" Komi looks up at her, grinning. "That's why this's gonna be fuckin' _great!_ " She swings her slick black hanger-

Tikka-Tikka-Takka-Tak…

That thing makes demented noises. A wide, purple projectile materialized before Komi, and began to hurtle towards Ha-chan.

Fortunately, my fairy friend had the sense to simply drift down slowly to avoid the thing, since it was thin.

I glance over at Futo. She's got a stack of what seems to be thirty plates set up before herself, set up in a horizontal row. Like, imagine holding a stack of plates, and then setting it down… but on the _wall_.

Smugly, she reels her hanger back… and smacks it-

FWOOM

So lou~d. Why is everything so _lou~d_ these last few chapters? Giving people my weapons was a mistake…!

The plates all break simultaneously, a chain reaction of shattering creating this… _spike_ of wind. It jerked across the divide between our stages-

Bam! The wind crashed against the opposite stage's back.

…

Oh, Komi has a hole in her, too. A clean one. Jesus.

"...Fuaa~h…" Realizing this, Komi fell backwards-

Pi~chun!

That's one down! There's not much I can do right now, but freakin'... not die.

...Oh, hey! Mokou's getting back up. Holding her head, she glares at the enemy team. "...Now I'm _really_ pissed off."

Fwoom! Kaguya sends out another fire beam, but it fails to hit anyone. I don't think she even tried to hit anyone with that one. "Oh, Mokou. You're _always_ pissed off."

Splash. Mokou sent a quick spritz of water at Kaguya, dousing her.

Lookin' through her now soaked bangs, Kaguya sent a surge of flames at Mokou-

Fwoom!

...Mokou let out a sigh. "Oo~h, that's… actually pretty good."

Kaguya cuts the beam hastily. "...Right. Fire. Yeah."

"Damn it." Mokou glares at her for stifling the flames. "C'mon, can't you-"

Thwack! One of the randomly flung scarlet projectile hangers hits Mokou in the face.

"Rraa~gh!" Mokou responds with Deep Blue!

 _Fwuuu~sh!_

"Aeh!?" Miyako flings herself out of the way of the incoming water beam. The sniper fairy maid did a tactical combat roll that took like ten seconds to fully execute, even though the attack totally missed her.

Namori dives into the water again!

Mokou cuts off the flush immediately, and brings her hanger up. "Alright, where the fuck-"

Two hands reach up from the water, grabbing Mokou by her ankles.

She looks down. "...Oh."

Sploosh. Mokou was pulled into the tiny puddle. Oh no.

…

...We just all stared at it. Futo arranged more plates in the meantime, it seems, and hit them again-

FWOOM

Can I just sit down and cry? My _ears..._

Bam! The resulting wind spike… didn't hit anyone, I think…? It _did_ leave a crack in the back wall, though. Yo.

Splash! Namori clumsily flopped out of the water, her face eating the wood.

Splash! Mokou leapt out after her, raising Deep Blue above her head. "Yea~h! You're mine now, bitch!"

On all limbs, Namori scrambled forward! "Ah- I'm sorry! I'm sor-"

Mokou leapt onto Namori's back, bringing her hanger down on her head.

Pi~chun! The fairy was killed on impact.

"Haha~! How's it feel when _I_ do it!?" Mokou has had her revenge!

Ti~ng!

Another purple, diamond-shaped sniper shot stopped in the middle of the air. This one was aimed at Futo.

...I like how Ha-chan's just floating in the air away from everything. Starin' up at her, I can't help but wonder why the frik she's suddenly become a freakin' pacifist-

" _Aaa~hn!_ " Futo is pierced in the leg. "My- my leg! I've- my _leg!_ "

Dropping to her bum, her eyes begin to water as she looked over the new hole in her thigh. "Ghn… da-darn it. Not _no~w…!_ "

...Oh, shit! One of Koi's exploding orb things is coming her way, too!

Moving quickly, I move towards the temporarily crippled Futo…

She looks up at me. "St-stay back! I needn't thy aid!"

"Too bad." I reach my arms under hers, and begin dragging her outta the way. She lets me drag her too, which helps…

Like this, I get her out of the way of the slow ass bomb…

 _Boom!_ Finally, it hits the stage, a small shockwave of explosive energy spreading out beneath it.

Thwack! "Nhah…" I have been hit in the jaw by one of Miyako's randomly tossed translucent hangers. I've also been contemplating sentences I've never contemplated contemplating before!

By the way, ouch.

"Grh…" Meanwhile, Mokou makes a face resembling constipation. "...I wanna _kill_ that sniper, but I don't wanna just shell it with water again."

Kaguya began to strafe towards her. "I've got an idea. I want to use it on the gate guard, though."

...Mokou sighs. "Fi~ne. It's probably shit anyway."

With that-

Fwuuu~sh! Mokou just shells the sniper with a water rush, like she didn't want to do earlier.

Pi~chun!

"He~y!" Koi calls out to us!

...We look over at her. Freakin' fluffy. She's waving at us, dude…

"He~y!" She calls out again, jumping in place. Her _stuff_ bounces, too. "You! Water girl!"

...My party all glances at each other idly.

"U~gh…" Koi repeatedly snaps her fingers with her free hand. "Red suspenders girl!"

...Mokou blinks, before half-yelling back. "Wha~t?"

"When this is done, can we get a room!?" Koi makes a request.

Kaguya chuckles. "Fufufu…" She makes sure to be an asshole about it, though…!

Double taking, Mokou shouts back her denial. "...What the fuck!"

...Koi takes a moment to look back at her idle fairy friends, who've just kinda taken this moment to regroup, before looking back at Mokou. "...Is that a no~!?"

"That's a no!" Mokou ends the conversation. "Fucking…" Aiming Deep Blue at her, Mokou begins to fill it with mana…

"He-hey! Bitch!" Koi begins to generate another slow bomb orb. "I offer sex and _this_ is what I get!?"

 _Fwuuu~sh!_

Pi~chun! Koi is wiped out pretty freakin' quickly.

Allowing her stream of water to die down, Mokou observes the remaining fairies…

Oh- yo! Koi's tan bomb orb somehow not only survived the rush of water, but is still slowly soaring towards Mokou. She doesn't see it, either…!

It hits the ground nearby-

Boom!

"Geh…!?" Mokou is lightly thrown into the air by the resulting shockwave, hanging there for a moment before falling…

"Hah…!?" Kaguya got clipped by the shockwave, too. I like how it freakin'... left them hanging in the air for a moment.

With the three friks and the sniper gone, we've just got Miyako, and Meiling.

Ti~ng! Wait- isn't the sniper dead!?

...Oo~h, Miyako's dual wielding, now. I forgot people who weren't me could do that.

"No-no!" Futo freaks out at the distinct noise of a diamond-shaped sniper shot. However, the bullet is aimed at- uh oh. That's… either me or Futo.

"Plates, make plates…!" Do _something_ you fluffy haired frik!

Futo makes plates ahead of us to shield us!

Then-

Kr-kr-krack! The plates shattered as the shot pierced through them-

Fwi-wa~sh… The shot managed to collide with Futo in the end, but it seemed to shatter on impact, instead leaving her crackling with energy instead of pierced. "Ow- aah- ow…"

I have effectively used Futo as a body shield. I mean… I dunno if it was going for me or her, anyway. She at least didn't get her guts pierced like freakin' Kaguya over there.

Fwoom!

Speakin' of Kaguya, she sent a beam of fire over at dual hanger asshole over there, which ignited her.

"Huwaoh...!?" She began flailing wildly!

Strafing to the side to avoid incoming translucent scarlet hangers, Kaguya kept her beam going. Her aim slipped off of the fairy occasionally…

"Here!" Meiling took out some kinda yellow bottle-... wait, is that a Mega Elixir? Holy fuck!

She tossed it into the air. It flashed, and two large drops of clear liquid dropped over the remaining enemies. Gold and white magical seals appeared over the fairy and Meiling, and their bodies glowed gold for a second.

"Haha _ha~!_ " Miyako's scarlet eyes flashed emerald for a moment, and she was put out. "Sometimes, wishes _do_ come true!"

...Promptly, she is ignited by the fire beam again, but she's movin' to get out of range. Meiling literally just freakin' blew a Mega Elixir on a _fairy_.

Meiling brings the rainbow hanger up again. Her freakin' ubercharge seems ready to deploy now, too…

"Fu- _fua~h!_ " Miyako was fryin' tonight, yo. Flailing her limbs, she flopped onto the floor-

Pi~chun!

...Toldja usin' a Mega Elixir on her was a waste!

 _Kri-kri-kria~ck…!_

Once again, Meiling unleashes her ubercharge, becoming encased in reflective, rainbow energy.

" _Hehahaha~!_ " Meiling's got the giggles, yo…! Stomping forward menacingly, she grins widely. " _You won't be able to take me down nearly as easily!_ "

...If her ubercharge works like in Team Fortress, all damage dealt to her's converted into knockback.

In the time I contemplate this, Mokou utilizes her tried and true cheese strat.

 _Fwuuuu~sh!_

Bam! Meiling's slammed into the wall by the immense, twenty foot high water torrent.

...Once the water dies down, we see her smoothly drop from said wall, and begin marching towards the front again. She doesn't seem to acknowledge any of what happened to her, either!

As she moves forward, her rainbow sheen begins to flicker, and dissipate. Acting preemptively, she leaps into the air and kicks!

...Nothing's produced as a result, but as she drops, she clacks her shoes firmly against the floor-

Clack!

-before doing a short jig.

Cla-cla-clack!

Waves of rainbow danmaku promptly flowed out from where her shoes struck, and began to run along the sides of the long barriers that encapsulated both stages. That's… going to be interesting, once it reaches us.

Futo frets at the incoming projectiles, and her wounded thigh. "I-I cannot move, like this…!"

Wat. "Can't you _float?_ " I question her logic.

"My leg is partially used in the process." Her brows furrow as she looks at me. I'm still just kinda behind her while she's on the ground…

...Also, is it really, now? I stare at her…

...After a moment, she drifts into the air anyway, slightly uneven. "Necessity outweighs aestheticity, I suppose." ...Wait, you mean the problem was _stylistic!?_

"Mokou." Kaguya gets her fellow immortal's attention. "You see how the guard's in the middle of the stage?"

"Yeah." Dryly, Mokou glances at her, then back at Kaguya. "I'm not blind, y'know."

Smirking, Kaguya continues. "If you say so- anyway, I want you to fire _there_." She points to the far right of the stage. "Thin stream."

"Fuck you." Mokou just rolls her eyes. "Why don't you shove that hanger up your ass while you're at it?"

"No- bitch, look…" Holding up her own hanger, Kaguya pointed it at the opposite, left side. "We'll cross the streams, and if it goes right, we'll make a steam beam. It's fucking basic magic."

It seems Kaguya has played Magicka before. Ho ho…!

"Alright- fine." Mokou grunts, consenting to the plan. "This better work, or I'm mauling you on the spot."

Fwoom! Kaguya's flame beam hits the left of the stage.

...The rainbow danmaku's startin' to crunch our wiggle room, yo~...!

Fwuu~sh! Mokou sends a precise torrent of water to the right side of the stage-

 _Thoo~m…!_

A not-so-precise, concentrated stream of steam is propelled towards Meiling at high-impact sexual violence speeds.

She's forced to shut her eyes and slightly cover her face, but otherwise she's fine. Y'know… part dragon and all. She's probably got some burly heat resistance…

A~nd now I gotta dodge slow-movin' danmaku from both directions. It's pretty sluggish, so it shouldn't be too- ow. Ow. Shit, it like- it _sneaks up_ on you!

In the air, Futo makes another freakin' sound barrier breaking stack of plates. Aiming it at Meiling, she reels Fairy Harp back. From here I can freakin'... see blood dripping from her thigh. Yo!

She smacks the plates-

FWOOM

If there is a god, he fears what he has created. Jesus, fuck…!

The air spike juts towards Meiling-

 _Bam!_ The angle causes it to clip the floor behind her, cracking it… by going through Meiling.

"Hu-hugh…!?" Meiling tensed up, but only stumbled back like, a little. This is while she's still eating a face full of really hot-lookin' steam…

The new hole in her torso probably feels like shit, though!

Zap!

...Oh, hey! Ha-chan cast an almost-thunderbolt! I don't think it did anything to Meiling, though…

From here, we all see Meiling slip out another yellow container. She has _another_ Mega Elixir? Remilia's got _stupid_ cash, dude!

...As she brings up the Mega Elixir flask, she seems to stop before she brings it up all the way. Since she's still holdin' it in a tossing motion, though, the rush of steam eventually pushes it into her, and when she tries to grab it again, it's blown away from her. "He-hey! Hey!"

She reaches out for it-

Cra~ck! The potion is destroyed against the back wall.

...Turning to us with a vaguely annoyed expression, Meiling kicks against the floor, and glides into the air.

Reaching into her pocket… she pulls out a _third_ Mega Elixir. Holy _shit_.

Alright, that's it. "How many did you _bring!?_ " I yell at the gate guard! I'm freakin' curious!

She looks down at me, and holds up her Mega Elixir questioningly.

I point. "Yeah, those!"

She answers my question, "I brought nine," before popping the weird, thin top off of the Mega Elixir and chugging it.

... _Nine_ Mega Elixirs. What, you think this was gonna be a world war or something? If I had _nine_ Mega Elixirs, I'd literally be able to just throw myself into all the unwinnable situations and somehow still walk out with all my limbs. Like… someone could cut my _arm_ off and I could probably fix that shit.

...I'm getting the feeling Meiling's just on freakin' break right now, or something. Although that wouldn't explain the obscene amount of money Remilia poured into their band… unless _she's_ on freakin' break, too. Aaah!

Ouch- oof, that ambient danmaku, yo. Wish I had a break from _that!_ It's just drifting into me awkwardly, and making me hurt equally awkwardly.

After Meiling gulps down the Mega Elixir, the rainbow uber hanger begins to crackle with multicolored energy again. She can apparently auto-charge her uber by chugging a Mega Elixir… which seems a bit redundant. Meiling having ubercharges period is pretty freakin' redundant.

The immortals have long since stopped their streams, 'cause Meiling was outta the middle of the stage and they didn't know where exactly to aim next.

Pullin' out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, I rouse Kaguya's attention! "Yo, yo!"

Both of 'em look over at me, before flinching a bit once the ambient danmaku softly drifts into them…

"U~gh…" Kaguya begins drifting to dodge them. "Wha~t?"

"When she pops her uber, float this over to her and make it poke her a bunch." I thrust the Bawmber towards her a bit. "Freakin' juggle 'er, yo!"

...A moment later, the explosive hanger floats outta my hands, encased in a white, telekinetic glow. Ho ho!

 _Kri-kri-kria~ck!_

Promptly, Meiling pops her ubercharge, becoming encased in a glorious neon rainbow sheen again. " _Ha~, ha~, ha~h!_ "

Pain is slowly building up across my body…! This freakin' danmaku~...!

...Kaguya floats the hanger across the barrier at a constant rate. After a moment, it pokes Meiling-

Boom!

Despite it not being a terribly impressive explosion, Meiling is thrown back into the stage wall so hard that it _cracks_. Even so, she slides up it a bit, and after slowing a little at the apex of her slight height gain, she kicks off of it.

The hanger's floated up to her torso as she launches herself from the wall-

Kaboom!

Meiling's thrown even higher, this time outright higher than the stage's back wall-

Ti~ng!

She hit a barrier above the back wall. So that apparently _was_ accounted for…

The hanger whirls towards her, propelled telekinetically!

Stuck in the air, Meiling slowly pivoted to try and hit it, but-

Bam! She hit it, which just made it make another blast, propelling her higher.

Ti-ti~ng! She ended up in a corner section of barrier, sliding up it.

Boom! Once again, the hanger slammed into her, sending her even higher.

Reaching her hand out, Kaguya calls the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber back from above. It spins back down to her as it descends, and lands in her palm-

Boom! It freakin' exploded 'cause she didn't slow it down!

"Ghn…!" Pushed back to the stage floor, and skidding against the wood, she aimed the hanger up at Meiling, charging it with mana. "Get _fucked!_ "

...After a moment-

BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM

Potions better heal ear drums. Actually… could potions just fix disabilities and shit? Food for thought…

A line of explosions stretches into the air, intersecting Meiling's position. As such, the gate guard is sent even higher.

Ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-ti~...

Like, really high. Eventually, the tinny ass noises of the barrier being smacked against fade out as Meiling is flung higher into the sea of stars.

…

…At this point, she's just a freakin' neon dot in the sky…! She's so high up her danmaku begins to dissipate, too.

Aya leans forward a bit, and stares into the night sky. "U~hm…"

"Ca~n we call it…?" Akyuu drawls, looking like she was about to fall out of her chair. "I~... wanna _sleep_ …"

Snorting, Aya turns to her. "Wha~t, really? Not even Rinnosuke's worn out, and he's half human, you know. Like- Rinnosuke, are you even tired?"

Turning to him, she awaits a response. Interestingly, instead of being slumped over like before, Rinnosuke had his eyes open and was sat up straight. He wasn't looking anywhere, though, and was just kinda staring into the middle of the 'concert'...

…

"Rinnosu~ke?" She waves her hand in front of his face, and there's no reaction.

…

As her expression falls, she pushes him with one arm, and he falls off his seat.

Thu-thud. It actually fails to wake him up, though. Dude's _zonked_. Apparently also knows how to sleep with his eyes open. Probably useful when standing behind a counter all day!

"...Guess it'll just be me, then." Aya sighed. "Alright. Burlington Fluff wins, 'cause… yeah. Last ones left standing. Except for the gate guard, but…" She takes one last glance at the sky, for confirmation. "Yeah, good enough."

I clap my hands once. "Woo."

"Get off the stage." Aya monotones. Freakin', yo...

...Futo slowly drifts onto the floor, before yawning. "My… thigh. It be unfit for further use." Looking over to me, she frowns. "I'm unsure what help I may be herein…"

Freakin'... I pull out a potion. "C'mere, fluffy." Does Futo have youkai regen? She _should_. I dunno.

Coming up to her, I kneel by her side, pop open the potion… and I remember to _sit her the frik up_ before I drown her in potion.

"Un-unhand me…" She weakly protests my actions, eying the potion. "What a-"

"Healing potion, son." Just freakin' drink it…!

I bring it close to her face, but she takes it outta my hands and drinks it manually. Right… it was just her thigh that was bamboozled, not her consciousness. I totally didn't forget that while trying to sit her up.

...Aaa~h, aaa~h!

She finishes the potion while I'm _thinkin'_. I do get to watch the hole in her thigh heal up, though!

...Lookin' around, I see that Mokou and Kaguya've gotten back into the door we came outta already. Ha-chan's just next to me for no inexplicable reason.

"Hi." I greet her.

...She slowly smiles wider.

Futo stands up and looks around, before struttin' back to the open door along the back wall. "Come forth, the crowd is watching."

...The crowd is now a _sixth_ of what it used to be. Wahaha!

Grinning, I followed along behind her, and Ha-chan tailed along behind me…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"O~h, ma~n…" Mokou let out a mighty yawn! "When you get outta battle, it hits ya like a wall…"

Kaguya turns to her dryly. "Heh. How weak willed of yo~aah…" Freakin'... she yawned mid-sentence.

...Oh, shit- "Hoa~h…" Yawns are contagious.

"Hea~h…" It spread to Futo!

…

We all turn to Ha-chan, who was just staring into space.

...After a moment, she turns to us, noticing the stares. "Hello!"

Da~h…

"You there?" Mokou takes the initiative to question where her mind was at that moment.

"No." Ha-chan shakes her head.

"Oh." Mokou blinks.

"I was just listening to some things." Ha-chan makes a worryingly vague statement.

...Mokou turns to me. "I think your fairy's insane."

Pfft. I grin... "You're just now figuring that out?"

She rolls her eyes in response. Get owned!

The screen thing flickers to life! Now, there is only Aya still in her chair. Akyuu seems to have ducked under her desk, just freakin'... knocked out.

"Welco~me…" Aya greets us with subdued vigor. "Next up will be Native Faith against Big Bad Bosses."

Whelp, rip 'n' rip, Sanae. I hope there's runner-up prizes…!

"We're gonna hafta fight those guys, aren't we…?" Mokou stares at the screen about as vainly as I am… which is pretty vain at the moment! "The team with all the hags on it, I mean."

"Quite." Nodding in agreement, Kaguya narrows her eyes at the screen. "...If we wish to succeed, we will need a trump card."

Yeah, uh, no. Literally all the final bosses 'cept you, and the most you've done this entire time is mooch off my stupid stuff. Don't you have like, sacred treasures? Couldn't'cha use those as- I should probably say this aloud…

"Doncha got your treasures?" I ask her. "Can't those be instruments?"

Kaguya rolls her eyes. "Yeah, and then all the human village would know I keep my treasures _on_ me. No, you retard."

...S'apparently a big secret!

Mokou jerks her head back. "Wait- they're all _on_ you!? Right now!?"

"No- I mean, they'll think my spell cards _are_ them!" Kaguya quickly retorts, noticing Mokou begin to catch on fire.

...Slowly, the fire immortal extinguishes herself. "...Yeah, they're stupid enough for that."

Honh.

Walking over to the table, where the girls put my hangers, I pick 'em up and begin stashin' em again…

"What mayhaps be thy proposal?" Tilting her head, Futo begins to debate with the looney princess. "Be we with actual instruments or arms, I feel uncharacteristically overwhelmed by such opposition…"

"You see those Mega Elixirs that nobody gatekeeper was crushing?" Kaguya smirked. "What if _we_ had nine Mega Elixirs?"

"Freakin' gods." I nod. "We'd be able to march through endless pits of fire. Until we ran outta Mega Elixirs, anyway." As if we had the funds!

"...I refuse to spend money." Futo folds her arms, turning away.

...Kaguya gives her an idle glance. "I _own_ a clinic. My guys _make_ medicine."

...Realization crosses Futo and Mokou's faces, and they slowly grin widely.

"About fucking time you made your crappy meds useful." Walking up to the lone chair, Mokou plops down into it. "If you charge us an arm and a leg for it, though, I'm gonna fucking kill you."

"Mmhmm…" Slipping out a smartphone, Kaguya began pressing stuff on it. "Someone's gotta go pick them up, though. I'm gonna call Eirin and tell her to make them now."

Lunar smartphones!

"We also…" Futo yawns, again. "Haa~h… need to locate that licentious buddhist. We seem to be in need of Drop-Me-Nots."

Licentious… what… what does that even _mean?_

Oh, god, can we not drink more tar-in-a-bottle? I have a feeling I'm gonna be shitting Laffy Taffy after this.

Mokou stands from her chair. "I'll head to the clinic, 'cause I know your lazy ass won't do it."

I wave! "I will locate the nun, and the bottles of motor oil!"

Alri~ght, my hangers are all stashed!

Smilin', Kaguya nods. "Good, good. Get going. I'll make sure the next match won't start without you."

...Yea~h, I don't trust her on that. I just gotta be fast!

Mokou and I move to the door briskly, wastin' little time.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: SANAE'S PERSPECTIVE ====

…

I look over at Hina and the Aki sisters.

"Are you guys ready?" I look for their readiness. If we're going to do this, everything will need to go flawlessly…

Hina gives me a confident smile, holding up her luck debuffing ofuda. "As I'll ever be…"

Minoriko props her arms up at her sides. "We're gonna _plow_ 'em!"

...Shizuha slouches from her sister's phrasing. "...Yes, well, I've reinforced the stereos."

All she did was smear leaves and paint on them.

Looking over at Suwako-sama, I smile. It looks like she's fixed her drum set up…

It now seems to be made of sturdy steel, and has a base made of some really shiny, colorful metal that I don't know the name of. The base has wheels, too!

"I think the real question is…" Suwako-sama leaps from her drum set, landing softly before me. "Are _you_ ready?"

"Mhm!" I nod, and brandish my ofuda! "I've got myself all layered up, too!" I've got evasion wards, as well as maxed wind resistance, some darkness resistance, and a little fire, ice, and thunder resist.

"Great!" Suwako-sama leaps in place again!

...The door to the stage begins to slide open.

I take a deep breath. "...Good luck, everybody!"

...After a few moments, we all begin to move towards the stage. This is it!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

I am now in the audience area, looking for Byakuyakuren. Byakuyakuyakuren.

From here, I see Sanae's band march onto the stage! The bosses are already set up on the other end, holding sloppily painted bass guitars and idly socializing amongst one another.

Kanako floats to the front, sitting in the air with her legs crossed. "Oh? This will be… interesting."

Sanae waves. "Hi, Kanako-sama~!"

Suwako leaps along next to the miko. Behind the two, the goddess' drum set glows into existence. Watch Sanae get freakin'... bamboozled by its appearance again.

"Winner has to do cooking and etcetera." Suwako casually states.

Kanako snorts, giving the two a condescending smile. "Fufufu… you're rather eager to please, aren't you?"

Grinning, Suwako follows up. "Well, somebody has to clean up, once in awhile."

Kanako does a slight cringe, allowing her smile to become slanted. "...So you'll finally take up your responsibility, then, Moriya?"

...Suwako tilts her head. "You want me to make your bed, too? I thought I showed you the other day."

Kanako's smile became more strained. "I'll…" Oof. She's drawin' a blank, yo! "I'll dominate you!"

Jerking her head back, Suwako also leaps back a little. "Woa~h! I mean, if you wanna do it out _here_ , in front of all these people, then…"

"Would you just shut up!?" Kanako drops her smugness and snaps at the earth goddess. Wahaha!

...Turning away from the stage, I look for Mokou, only to see she's ditched me. Probably to get a move on to the clinic!

...I've got no idea where to look for Byakuren. Time to freakin'... stumble around out here. And watch Sanae's fight a little at the same time, I'm actually curious as to if she's gonna get close to thrashing them.

Around me, there are generic people. I see Keine's here, looking morso at the crowd than the show, probably just keepin' watch.

To my left's some _dude_. To my right-

"Such a _mild_ evening…" Yukari sits on a gap next to me, fanning herself. "One might forget it's almost winter."

"Hi." Where'd _you_ come from? "Hoo you?"

...She glances away from the stage, looking at me. "Oh, passing by. You're to meet someone _interesting_ , soon."

That's totally not eerie. "What's that s'posed ta mean?" Like… I hold up my arms to gesture. "We talkin' funny-ha-ha interesting, or I'm-gonna-kill-ya-ha-ha interesting?"

"I'm sure I don't need to say much more. Treat her kindly."

With that, Yukari's gap expanded and she fell backwards into it. It closed up once she was fully inside.

…

What the fuck.

...Takin' out Tundra Bloomer, I keep it on hand as I continue lookin' around for Byakuren. S'pretty much all I can do. I got no idea what the hell any of that was about, but I'm just gonna pretend it didn't happen.

...My body still freakin' aches from that danmaku from earlier. Euu~gh…

Bam!

Woah- what was that?

Lookin' over at the stage- oh.

Yuuka's standing slightly hunched over, an ubercharged Meiling sprawled over her upper body.

" _Huwoaa~h!_ " Meiling lets out a yell! " _So fast…!_ "

...With a jerk of her leg, Meiling thrusts herself off of Yuuka, landing smoothly on her feet beside her.

Dusting herself off, she stared at who she landed on…

Yuuka stared back, her expression blank.

…

Meiling's ubercharge flickered out.

"O~h…" Backing up, she gave the flower master a sheepish grin.

Yuuka sighed. "You're a good gardener. Try not to let such skill go to waste."

Scrambling, Meiling gave a salute. "U-uhm, yes! Yeah! Thank you!"

...Unamused, Yuuka just stared at her.

...Awkwardly, Meiling began to sidestep away. Eventually, she began to just walk off, once she was far enough away from Yuuka.

…

There was no door open for the Big Bad Bosses, actually. They arrived by gaps, earlier.

"Uhm…" Meiling searched the wall, approached the wall, but could not pass through said wall. "Aya! Aya~!"

The judge's stand had no comment. I couldn't see it well from down here, either...

Cupping her hands, Meiling yelled. "How am I supposed to get out!? I- woah!" She fell into a gap! It shut once she was fully inside.

Alright yo, I should probably get a move on to findin' Byakuren. Maybe she's in the booths behind the opposite stage, or something…

Movin' through the kinda sorta thin crowd, I eventually reach the backside of the less familiar stage...

More deserted booths are lining the back wall, all of them sporting a buncha fun colors for their curtains. A lot are just hung open though, and abandoned.

"Indeed." There's Byakuren, and she's chattin' it up with someone! Looks like some generic villager… "Our temple strives for peace between youkai and man."

"...I see." He nods. "Maybe I'll visit, some time."

For some reason, I feel like that's not a good idea, even though the temple's peaceful.

"Visitors are always welcome." Byakuren's probably doin' some schmoozin' for publicity.

Walking up to them, I make my presence known. "Hi, friends."

...They turn to me with questioning stares.

"I need summore insomnia-in-a-bottle." I inform the nun. "My friends are about to become one with the soil."

"Ah, right." Byakuren nods, smiling casually. "I'll drop off the potions soon. Thank you for reminding me."

Cool, cool, cool…

"I'm afraid I must be off." Byakuren gives the man a wave. "Farewell."

"See ya!" He gives her a wave in return as she leaves.

…

"So..." Generic villager moves to socialize with me! "Who're you?"

"I'm fluffy." If this is the person Yukari specified, I'm gonna be pissed. It also looks like a he… if Yukari set me up with a reverse-trap, freakin'...

"...Okay?" I have confused him. "What kind of youkai are you? You look like a yuki-onna, but…" He trails off, gesturing to me idly.

"I'm a yuki-uno. We play cards, and deal hearts." Yeah, I don't feel like talkin' with this guy… I need my freakin' bottle of motor oil.

"Oo~h? I think I heard about them…" Pfft. I just made that up. How'd you _hear_ about them? "Do you live here in the village?"

I'm reminded of, like… those generic phrases you learn when you're first getting the grasp of a new language.

"Yeah, son." Nodding, I begin to move past him. I think I'll go through the audience on the other side on my way back… "Life as a doormat isn't easy, dude."

Ignoring him, I keep pressin' forward…

"Wa-wait!" Nope nope, son! Nothin' stoppin' this grumpy tired person!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: SANAE'S PERSPECTIVE ====

I do not have enough Cure ofuda! I do not have enough Cure ofuda~!

The bottom of the stage is entirely encased in vines! Behind me, Minoriko is flying close to me, carrying Shizuha's unconscious body. All of my evasion wards got torn off by Kanako-sama's wind, and Suwako-sama-

"Woaa~h!" She bounced off of the vines below, her limbs encased in rock to keep herself safe from the sedative-laced thorns. A series of dark orbs generated in the air behind her, remaining stationary. Even so, we had to steer clear of them, because-

Fwam! Fwam! Fwam! Fwam!

-they explode into dark matter after a few seconds, and if you get hit, it like quadruples your gravity, and yeah. That's how Shizuha got knocked out, thrice.

Pulling one of my remaining ten Cure ofuda out, I slap it onto Shizuha's forehead. "Heal!"

Di-di-di~ng! I only used a basic heal to get her up. My full heals… don't really matter, when any one given attack will just-

 _Kri~ng!_

A _huge_ sword of ice shot from beneath the vines, and-

" _Aaa~h!_ " Hina, no!

I see her dart past me, her left arm missing. O-oh. Gods…!

Pulling out one of my last two evasion wards, I throw it towards her. It slaps onto her back, and she starts moving a little faster. Stay strong…!

Using her remaining arm, she tossed broken charms of protection at our enemies.

One hit Kanako-sama, while two others hit Mima and Shinki.

Mima sighed. "These debuffs are _annoying_ …"

Shinki tried to float forward, only to trip in the air somehow, doing a flip instead. "Oh…? Oh, wow." She hardly reacted to it!

Kanako-sama smirks. Folding her arms inward, she throws them out again-

 _Woo~sh._

A powerful gust flows down from above their stage, and caresses them. The broken charms of protection are immediately removed, blowing off uselessly.

I kinda forgot that Kanako-sama was really good at undoing debuffs and dispelling other's buffs. Like, _rea~lly_ good. She's even removed Suwako-sama's armors before…

Mima spreads her arms out, and series of eight electrical orbs generate around her. Once they mobilize- uh oh uh oh uh oh…

I start slapping healing charms onto myself preemptively. "Mino-chan, go!"

Minoriko immediately begins to distance herself from me, Shizuha floating out of her arms.

...Staying still, I wait for the electric orbs. If these stun me, it's all over. I know I can't dodge them- she used this attack once before.

I curl up into a ball in the air.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

I think I lost the generic person… also, I'm now in the audience again!

FwamFwamFwamFwamFwam! FwamFwam!

Promptly, I'm dazzled by the sight of Sanae getting just _enveloped_ by a buncha orbs of electricity. The attack kinda reminded me of Reimu's Fantasy Seal, except with _electricity_.

" _Eaau~gh!_ " Sanae was eventually slammed into the back wall by the series of electric orbs, but her body also glowed brightly with green, healing energy. She was also spinning in the air, most of her limbs limp and crackling with electricity…

...After an unsure moment, she begins to right herself and float awkwardly away from the back wall.

Jesus, shit got real in the ten seconds I was behind the stage. I've got the distinct feeling that Mega Elixirs aren't going to help us with this…!

On the opposing stage, most of the bass guitars lay abandoned, but it looks like Shinki, Yukari, and Yuyuko are still dicking around with theirs. Everyone else is just outright casting expert offensive spells.

I'm… just gonna look away.

I should get a drink or something… or buy a single cup to pour my hanger water into so I can drink it the real way, and not lick the metal surface... or get it all over my face and clothes.

Movin' to the stands, I look around. Everyone's sellin' freakin'... food. Where's the drink vendors?

Pushing past some friks, I begin to move off the village square and into the main road. Despite there being less people, the stands are still well manned, even if some of the people there are doing idle activities, like reading or counting money.

Gettin' to the roadway proper, I continue to look around. Freakin'...

Oh! That guy's selling- oh. S'a booze stand. Last thing my team needs is to get blown to fuckin' itty bitty bits while hammered.

...Actually, that might be the merciful route!

Yeah, let's not take a cup from a raggedy booze stand. Jesus, there's a lotta stands up… it's a good thing the crowds thinned. Also, what time is it? Like, four? Christ…

Movin' down the village road, keepin' my eyes open…

Then, to my right, some unnaturally sterile lighting catches my eye. When I turn to the alley, I see what looks like an open gap, except fluorescent lighting is pouring out from it…

== _Freakin' Boundaries_ : Maribel Hearn's Perspective ==

Sitting down at the cafe table, I watch Renko-chan sit down across from me…

"So..." Sighing, she relaxes into the cushy cafe seat. "What's new?"

"Oh, I've just been thinking…" I begin to lift my suitcase from my seat to place it onto the table.

Renko-chan smirks. "That's new. What's the occasion?"

I roll my eyes. "We were just here yesterday, Renko-chan. I wanna know what you've come up with."

She nods. "I know. With the way you phrased that, I couldn't resist. Why not 'hey, what's up'?"

Unfastening the locks on my suitcase, I glance up at her. "Hey, what's up?"

...She props her arms on the table, giving me a vain stare.

The rain outside the cafe is getting heavier. My, we might not be able to go home for quite some time...

Done with my glance at the window, I open my suitcase. Inside, there are many pictures I've drawn over the past few weeks…

Lifting them out and moving the suitcase aside, I spread them across the rich, brown cafe table.

There are many pictures. My eyes run across the one I drew the other day, of a girl dressed in black. She had an orb of darkness around herself, which masked her light, even though it shined brighter than all the others.

When I slide that one aside, I see the one I drew last Saturday. The beautiful, duty-bound shrine maiden, who worked tirelessly to maintain her way of life.

Renko-chan scratches her cheek. "...Did you bring any new ones?"

The perfect balance. That was what she strived to maintain, even if something such as that was truly impossible. At least, not-

"Merry." Renko-chan snapped her fingers in my face. "I know it's rainy, but we only just started. Don't fall asleep on me already."

"Hehehe…" I blink. "Sorry, sorry, Renko-chan. No, I don't have anything for today."

She slouched. "Wha~t? Why'd you call me, and ask me to come out here, then…?"

I brought a finger to my lips. "I was thinking we could draw one. It'll be fun!"

...Renko-chan smiled. "Well, I guess."

...Interlocking my fingers, only for a moment, I frame our activity a little. Believe it or not, I actually planned a little beforehand! "You know how I usually ask you to bring an object? Inspiration?"

Renko-chan tilts her head back and forth. "Yea~h. You had me bring you that red ribbon, last Sunday. Was I supposed to bring something today?"

"No, no." I shake my head. "I did it, today."

"Ah. Coo~l." Renko-chan nods. "I was about to say… if you expected me to bring them, you should've said something."

Reaching into my suitcase, I took out a pencil and some paper. Then, I took out…

Clang.

Renko-chan stared down at the metal blankly.

…

"Merry," Renko-chan gave me a vain expression, "that's a plant hanger."

I nod. "Good, good." Additionally, I draw a pair of scissors from the suitcase. "These will be our objects, today."

…

"I think you're running out of ideas, Merry." Renko-chan was still skeptical.

Taking out another pencil, more paper, and a box of crayons, I hand her some supplies. "Maybe. You shouldn't doubt common objects, though, Renko-chan. You might be surprised."

"I'm sure that plant hanger holds plants really well." Renko-chan made fun of the shiny, black plant hanger.

Adjusting my paper, and placing the plant hanger at the side, I begin drawing.

...Renko-chan slowly begins to get busy on a drawing herself, placing the scissors aside her sheet.

…

…

I make idle conversation. "I've been having these… weird thoughts lately. Like, is any of this for real… or not?"

Renko-chan snorts. "I played Kingdom Hearts too."

Awwh. "Yeah, well, my point still stands…"

She just focuses on improving her drawing.

…

…

"We should go there." I'm nearly done sketching the legs.

Renko-chan's drawing is a lot more defined than mine. I guess that's what happens when you take an art course as an elective…

"Sure." She replies idly.

...

My drawing, uhm…

My hands have just kinda been moving. The figure I've drawn… has blue sweatpants, and a blue shirt. He's also got what looks like a tumbleweed for hair.

I'm done. I finished my drawing in about… fifteen minutes. My shortest time yet.

Renko-chan wasn't nearly as done, though.

Setting down my crayons and pencil, I look up at her. "I'm serious. I've got this feeling, about that shrine…"

"Are you certain about this?" Renko-chan speaks while focusing on her own drawing.

"Mmm…" I stare out the window. "I… know how to access it. I think."

"...You don't sound certain."

...

Renko looks up from her finished drawing.

It's of a rather average-looking guy, with khaki shorts, and a red shirt.

"Done." She looks up at me, smiling. "So, Merry, what's their stories? You couldn't have a story for the one I drew, I'm sure."

I look down at my drawing…

"He's a very happy, innocent sort of man." I begin.

"Is he really, though…?" Renko-chan interjects immediately. "...Well, I guess your drawing _is_ simple…"

"...You're right." I nod. "Rather, he wants to be more innocent. Exploring, running, jumping, talking… he loves it all. He loves it so much, that he couldn't bear the thought to lose the ability to do those things. He couldn't bear to not live, by his standard of living."

"He sounds really needy…" Renko-chan tilted her head back and forth.

I shake my head. "His standard of living is simple. He just wants to live."

"I think the word you're looking for is freedom." Renko-chan adds. "A free spirit, that doesn't want to be tied down."

Right, right… "And so he bears weapons, to defend his freedom. There's nothing he fears more than confinement. In spite of this… he's more confined than anyone he will ever meet."

Renko-chan smirked. "That's where you usually take these things. Why's that?"

"His fear creates indecision." I finish. "...He will never be free."

…

"That's arguably true of every human being." Renko-chan points out.

I smile. "Did you not say he was simple?"

…

"At least he doesn't eat people." Renko-chan stared out into the rain. "Like that last one."

I thought she was pretty sweet… though I guess it's a little morbid.

"What about him?" Renko-chan smirks at me, holding up the individual she drew. I knew she was going to draw him. "What's his story?"

"It's not all that different…" I consider. "Except, he doesn't so much feel the fear of indecision."

Rolling her eyes, Renko-chan leans back. "You had that planned out, didn't you?"

"He acts with definition. Such definition that he disregards human life in his pursuits and desires. He fells those in his way without consideration, because to him, he does not need to fear losing freedom. He allows nothing, no one, and no emotion to bind his action. While the other man is simple, friendly, and idle, this one is complex, destructive, and energetic."

...Renko-chan blinks. "Again, that's kinda arguably true of every human being."

"Hehehe~..." Oh, Renko-chan… there's more to it than that. "I suppose it is easy to see how balance is present in humanity. Then, again, I suppose balance in nature is sort of hypocritical to talk about, when we use human terms to define it…"

…

"So…" Leaning back, she stares at me. "Do you still want to go check out that old shrine again?"

…

I begin to get up. "I'd like that."

I want to go there while I'm awake.

== _Freakin' Boundaries_ ==

Resolute, we marched up the stormy shrine steps with our umbrellas held high.

KraKoo~m!

"Did we have to go in the middle of the _sto~rm!?_ " Renko-chan yelled over the roar of the rain striking the overgrown, eroded stone steps up to the shrine.

...Okay, okay, I'll admit: not my brightest whimsical moment! But, we're halfway up…!

"Keep going!" I yell to her! "We're almost there!"

KraKoo~m!

It's hard to see, and water's rushing past our shoes…!

Slowly but surely, we trudged up the old stone steps. Around us, the dark forest that owned the whole hill was murkily illuminated by a faint tinge of blue, while grey commandeered the sky.

"Wo-woah!" I hold Renko-chan's arm tight, my left arm looped through her right. In one hand, I hold my suitcase, and in the other, that plant hanger. I couldn't get it back inside, so~...

Anyway, I stopped Renko-chan from having the world's worst slip'n'slide experience ever.

"O-oh my go~d!" She was slowly growing more amazed by the storm. "Why was there no weather ale~rt!?"

...News channels tend to lie. _Especially_ meteorologists. Why do they call them _meteor_ ologists if all they study are clouds and wind…?

KraKoo~m!

The world flashed a second after the thunder boomed. That lightning was somewhere near…!

We reach the top of the steps, the water not nearly as rapid or active as the stream roaring down the steps.

"Go, go, go…!" When Renko-chan hastily bolts forward, I try to run with her. We end up with some kind of demented, sideways jog, but that's alright. The shrine's steps aren't too far…

We reach the shrine's steps, and Renko-chan awkwardly pulls me along as she tries to go up all three steps at once. I have to set a hand on the wet wood floor to stop myself from becoming one with the stairs, because Renko's motion made me fall…

"Aa-ah, sorry…!" She tries to unloop our arms, but is unsuccessful.

"Ju-just go…!" I begin to get up, and manage to successfully separate our arms. "Get inside!"

She slides the shrine door open-

Clack! It slams, opened as wide as it can be. We rush into the musty, dark shrine, and she proceeds to slam it shut.

Clack.

…

…

"Ha~h…" Moving to the middle of the empty room, Renko-chan sits down. "You better actually be able to do something. We're gonna be stuck here until Thursday, at this rate."

...Reaching into my suitcase, I take out a tiny, fluorescent LED. Pressing a button on the side, the weak light flickers on, lighting up the dark room. Kinda.

Renko-chan just sighs. "Merry, you dolt…"

Hehehe!

…

We listen to the sound of rain for awhile. I feel myself warm up a little… but not much. This shrine does not gather heat.

Standing up from my wet spot on the floor, I hold out my hand. Looking at the air ahead, I begin to survey it…

Silently, Renko-chan observes me.

…

I close my eyes.

…

…

Right there. Ten feet in front of me, there's something… something big. The edge is very defined, though. If I just…

I separate the surface of the large thing in front of me. There's no way I could get through that entire border.

What I had just found was probably a boundary. For awhile now, I've been able to access simple boundaries, and change things… but there are many I can't touch. I can only change simple outcomes, like the flip of a coin, or the roll of dice.

...Let me tell you, though, I have a _great_ time playing XCOM!

…

Despite my best efforts, however, I only get a little into the boundary. It's way too accessible for a boundary so big, but whatever.

"Me-Merry…?" Renko-chan begins to stand. "What…?"

I open my eyes. That must've been the boundary of some sort of concept, I think… normally, they're only super dense, not super big.

A flat, black hole rests in the air before me.

…

I step near it. "...I think I did that."

"Yeah, uhm…" Renko-chan steps up beside me, staring into it. "Woah. Didn't you make a tiny one of these last week?"

...It turns out salt shakers don't have particularly strong boundaries. It's kind of a funny story, actu-

Fwish.

Suddenly, the gap shifts, and the borders expand. No longer is the inside merely black space, a whirl of colors momentarily replacing it. After a second, they fade out, revealing a long, dark alley that leads into an amber-lit road.

It's big enough to walk into, now.

...

"Merry…" Renko-chan speaks quietly. "Wait."

I stop before the gap, turning to her. "I'm going through."

"Wait!" She demands. "There's not even anything through there! Don't!"

…

I guess she's-

The gap begins to slowly close…!

"Merry!" She yells at me for moving towards it again. "You idiot, hold on!"

"Come on!" I yell for her to follow me. Let's go go go, Renko-chan! It's now or never, and it's not gonna be never!

Leaping through the gap… I land solidly on my feet.

I turn back to make sure Renko-chan came with-

The gap is not there.

…

…

…

Looking around, I take in the dark alleyway I just leapt into. The buildings look like they're made of plywood.

I screwed up.

== _Freakin' Boundaries_ ==

End of Chapter 54

= Maribel Hearn =

 _Weapon:_

Cast-Iron Plant Hanger - A sturdy plant hanger made of solid metal.

 _Inventory:_

[Suitcase] - Holds drawings, and things. Gives five inventory spaces!

Little White LED - It has a blinking mode, too…! Somehow takes up as much room as my two hundred fifty page homework notebook.

Drawings - My drawings.

Writing Utensils - Crayons, pencils, pens… you name it!

Homework - Aaah… psychology stuff.

[one space remaining]

 _Party:_

Empty

 _Actual Author's Note:_

SO YEAH maribel happened

i have devised a LONG CON yo

so on and so forth we'll see where that goes

anyway, lotsa action this chapter! freakin', yo…

i mean these are pretty much your obligatory "wahaha tournament" chapters, which i've seen some other people gravitate towards…

the concert thing's neat enough, though, and i feel like i've added enough spice to make it enjoyable overall

...you hear that, yo? that's the sound of me almost not doubting myself for once

all it takes is not reading over your writing for as many days as necessary to remove it from your subconscious; it makes it easy to read it over from a consumer point 'a view

this also makes me think batch uploading was the right choice!

i really like the way i do action scenes… which is probably good because i have to write them and reread them like three-four times a chapter depending

i have _no_ idea if action scenes are a thing in contemporary literature- at least, with documentation and consideration. they SHOULD be, like, you'd think they would be…

also wow google helped me less with that question than i thought it would, and i even set my standards pretty low there…!

oh well!

merry (christmas) is gonna hang around for a LIL WHILE but not in EXCESS…

honh honh

as always, see you all next time!


	68. Not Possible even with Six Players

(in which we have a freakin' ball yo)

Abruptly, the light in the alley goes out. Freakin'... a little early in the technological era to be talkin' fancy floodlights.

Still holding Tundra Bloomer up- which probably looks freakin' weird to pedestrians- I begin to march towards the alley to sate my curiosity.

...Like, just a really ugly yuki-onna with a hanger hammer marching around the village at four in the morning. I think I'd be scared 'a youkais, too…!

In the alleyway, this one girl holdin' a little bright ass LED sticks out like a sore thumb. She sees me approaching, and grins sheepishly. "U~hm…"

...My hanger's still held up, yo. I'ma yuki- _berserker_. That shoulda been in Norse mythology, freakin' warrior yuki-onna.

Anyway, this chick. She's got modern clothes on- as in, outsider modern, not rich village hipster modern- and a suitcase. In her offhand she's got a~... something metal, s'too dark to see 'cause she's got her LED at an awkward angle.

"Is this…" She hesitates. "Gen...so~kyo?"

I shake my head. "Nah, you ended up in Kekistan."

She jerks her head back. "Whe- _what?_ "

...She's got _purple_ eyes. Also- that mob cap is awfully _freakin'_ familiar.

...This is that one Maribel chick I know nothin' about. I know her name, but that's about it. Something something Yukari. This was probably the chick Yukari wanted me to see. Ho ho! Seems awfully coincidental that I'd just _happen_ upon her… but I got no freakin' clue what Yukari does behind the curtain.

"Nah, I'm just joshin' ya." I wave off my joke. "This is Gensokyo. You just roll fresh outta Narnia or somethin'?"

…

She seems taken aback! "Yo-you, uhm… what?"

I raise my Kaguya wig. "Paul Solomon from Solomon 'n' Sons, incorporated. I'm a yuki-berserker warrior attorney."

…

She slowly shakes her head. "Yeah, I'm in Gensokyo, alright." Ho ho…!

"So~..." I try to put my hands in my pockets, but realize I'm holding a freakin' hammer hanger. "Yeah, welcome."

…

She looks around idly. "If I wanna be honest…"

I await her response as she surveys the crappy plywood houses.

"...This place seems kinda bleak." She admitted. Looking back at me, she smiled. "No offense."

"Ah, I don' even live here." Wavin' it off, I gesture for her to follow as I move outta the alley. "C'mere, I got candy in my van." Wahaha!

She blinks. "Gensokyo has vans…?"

Daa~h… "I don't think so. I'm kinda from outta town, like you."

"Oo~h, right…" She nods. "I'm super confused, but I'll roll with it, for now!"

"That's the spirit!" Ho~h, Maribel's pretty legit!

Moving out of the alley, Maribel's modern LED light thing clashes with the amber glow of the lamp posts around us…

I also see her metal object! It's…

A black, cast-iron plant hanger. Wat.

Pointing at her hanger… I just nod. "Plant hanger, huh?"

"Mmm." She gives it a once over, before looking at me. "...It's a long story."

Oo~h, I'm sure it is, yo. Speakin' of long stories…!

Maribel and I look over at the stage as we near the village square…

"Aaaa~h!" Sanae screams, doing a large oval over the rectangular stage. All behind her, terrifying shit is roaring out from the vines and wood to try and molest her. Things like-

" _Roaugh…!_ " Some kinda weird, guttural sound comes from the floor, as some kinda thermal shaft opens. Bones and green sludge shoot out, along with unhealthy green bubbles that zoom just behind Sanae as she races around her tiny box.

 _Fwuu~sh!_ Ho~h, shit, the bosses can make geysers, too. Sanae's legs are clipped by it, sending her flipping forward. "Uha- aah-!"

Ti~ng! She rebounded off the barrier, and-

Fwoa-Fwoa-Fwoa~am!

Shockwaves of wind erupted randomly on their stage, Shizuha abruptly being thrown straight down into the vines, while Minoriko was shot straight up at bullet speed.

Bam! Shizuha got _destroyed_. I can't see her, but she's probably getting tentacle raped or something in those vines now.

I see Hina in the mess of elements- Jesus fucking Christ- she's only got _one leg!_ And _no_ arms! Ho~ly _fuck!_

...She knows how to fly fast, though, but damn. Now I'm like… thinking about what it'd feel like to be missing my arms, yet somehow no blood coming out. Makes my skin crawl…

Oh, yeah, Hina's not bleeding. Glad I'm not up close and personal! Clean wounds are probably _weird_.

"What am I looking at?" Maribel makes a plain request.

Plain doesn't mean easy, though… "Gee- I don't even know…" Turning to her, I slouch. "S'a _long story_ , yo."

She rolls her eyes. "...Well, it looks like it." Honh.

...Slipping away Tundra Bloomer, I take out Fairy Harp. Holding it up, I note how similar the base design is to her hanger.

She smiles at it. "...Looks like a long story."

Yeah, I nod. "You can find it on FanFiction dot net. Google my username, SKOOLATOON."

She blinks. "...Don't you mean FanLit dot net?"

...Double taking- and taking in the sights of this beautiful pre-morning sky as I do so- I look into her purple eyes. "Fan _what_ now?"

"FanLit dot net." Repeatin' it don't help me…! "Short for 'fan literature'. It's kinda stupid."

…Oh. Oo~h.

The~n… "Do you kno~w… the Touhou Project?" The big meta question!

"Never heard of it." Making an inquisitive face, she continues, "I've heard of the Seihou Project, though. Kinda an internet thing, right?"

Well, then. My outside may not be her outside. Guess my copy of real life was freakin' buggy…

Also- the _what?_ Oh, jeez, that's too many levels of meta. We gotta backtrack…!

"Alright, cool!" I shut down that discussion! "...I dunno what that is- look yo, I gotta get back to my _band._ " With that, I start to move away in the direction of the booths… kinda-sorta making sure she's following, too. It'd be some weird shit if Yukari told me to 'treat her well' and I end up only talking with her for all of five minutes.

Movin' forward, she begins to follow me. "Hold on- band? Hey, hey, don't try to ditch me…!"

"You see that big fuckfest?" I point at the stuff on Sanae's stage.

 _Fwoom!_ A geyser of flames erupts under Hina. She flies out of it, her dress ablaze, and her ratty bundle of torn up red ribbons scrunching up from the heat…

"We gotta trudge into that, yo." I grin at her. "Battle of the bands, and the last one standing _wins_ , son."

...She just stares at the spectacle. "I… see."

…

"Considering how Sanae's doin', we're probably gonna be up soon!" I inform Maribel with pep! "You can watch us die horrible deaths from here, yo."

With that, we keep moving- wait, wait 'we'…?

I turn, noticing her trailing behind me. "I was kinda implying ya not follow me. You can watch from _here_ , yo."

"The villagers all look boring." Maribel somehow uses this as a reason to follow me. "You're a crossdressing yuki-onna with a hammerspace bag, and a big hammer. I'm _kinda_ curious about everything, here."

...I shrug. "Alright, yo." Good point, and well made, yo.

Eventually, we get behind to the booths again. Just in time to see Byakuren walkin' off, too. Seems she got us our crude oil bottles!

I just realized, I never bought a cup for my hanger water. Ah, shit… forgot it 'cause I ran into this freakin' _slider_.

Giving Maribel another glance, I move for the booth my party is in. It's one of the only two booths against this back wall that aren't vacant!

Brushing the curtains aside, I waltz in. "Yo, yo, yo! What's in the know?"

...Mokou looks at me with an upset face, holding an empty Drop-Me-Not bottle.

Oof. Pain…

Kaguya is at the table, leering over a collection of really expensive-looking potions. "Oh, hello, Brad. As you can see, Eirin has made only some of history's _greatest_ medicine and elixirs, on the fly."

...Maribel walks in behind me, her brows furrowed. "I thought your name was Solomon…"

…

"Only in police states." I clarify… with a statement that needs clarification!

She snorts. "Oh, good."

...Lookin' at my party, they seem skeptical!

"Did you…" Kaguya narrows her eyes. "Did you find a _mini-Yukari?_ "

Ho ho! "Yeah, yo. She was in a dark alleyway, lookin' to shank me with a plant hanger." Gesturing to her with my thumb, she awkwardly raises the black plant hanger she had on her. "We had a long, angsty duel in the name of our forefathers, but then we got bored and yeah."

…

"Ech…" Mokou spat onto the dirt floor, and wiped her mouth. "Those potions are fuckin' _disgusting._ "

"Pussy." Kaguya jeers, not even looking away from us. "Anyway, can she make gaps or be useful?"

Maribel jerks her head back, seemingly surprised. "Ah- uhm… not… technically…?"

"Good, you can be cannon fodder, then." With a nod, Kaguya turns around, leans over, and grabs a helmet from a small stack of helmets on the floor. Where… did she get those? "He~re you go."

Maribel idly accepts the helmet, and stares at it.

...I look around, and see Ha-chan is the only other person wearing one of these helmets. It's too big for her head, so it covers her eyes. Soldier fairy!

Cra~ck!

Futo shatters a plate over Ha-chan's head. The fairy just looks around wildly, excited. "Woah! What was that…?"

Futo snickers. I like how Ha-chan just totally ignored the plate shards that fell down her clothes…

"...So…" Maribel looks around at the people, and then at the curtains of the booth. "Did I just get drafted into the circus?"

Uh-huh. I nod. "Yeah, yo. We're gonna freakin' juggle bombs, while we get bombed."

...Maribel slowly puts on her helmet over her mob cap. I never told her she had to _join_ , but it seems like she's getting roped into it anyway. I doubt Yukari will let her eat shit with us, though.

Looking over at us, Futo notices the new guest! Approaching us, she seems to straighten herself out. "Ahem…"

Maribel focuses on her fully.

"Good morrow." ...Futo's freakin' _fluffy_. Don't you go makin' that smarmy smile, yo! "How art thou?"

"Uh… good." Maribel smiles at her. "So… what _exactly_ are we doing?"

...Futo shoots me a stink eye. I just put my hands up passively. "Yo, I tried ta warn her."

"We are going into battle." Taking the initiative, Futo sets the scene for us with a slightly more serious expression. "While I am certain they will show more… _restraint_ cometh us than with our godlike counterparts, I am certain we will _not_ be having a good time. If thou wilt back out, now would be the most opportune time."

…

Maribel shrugs, indecisive "I could always run away. I'm kinda good at that."

"There is to be little running." Futo emphasizes. "There are barriers around the stage to seal us in."

This piques Maribel's interest. "Barriers?"

"Barriers." Futo reaffirms.

"...I'd still like to go." Now ya done did it, Futo. Her blood's gonna be on _our_ hands…! "I want to see what you mean by barriers."

...Vainly, Futo tries to dissuade her summore. "What? Ye-..." She sighs. Wahaha! "Then it shall be so, I _suppose._ "

I look up at the screen…

Fwoom! Fwoom! Fwaa~m! Fwoom!

Pillars of fire erupt from flaming vines beneath Sanae's stage. I can't see what's even going on there anymore through the smoke. It's just a freakin' mess.

" _Raau~gh! Raau_ _~gh! Ruuauh!_ " Guttural moans come from Sanae's stage as more shafts of poison sludge erupt. I think, anyway, I can't see it!

...That's a freakin' weird sound for a ground attack!

Looking around the booth again, I come up to the table Kaguya set up her goods on…

She perks up once I approach. "Well? Are you not impressed?" She's got a freakin' wry expression on.

"...What _is_ half this stuff?" I look over the potions. The Mega Elixirs are recognizable, but there's a lotta shiny white liquids and stuff that aren't.

Leaning forward, Kaguya begins pointing them out. "This," she lays a hand on a clear potion with a purple tinge to the liquid, "is a darkness-resist potion."

...I look back at the screen, then back at the potion. "A fat lotta good that's gonna do us while we're getting tentacles up the ass!"

Her smugness is now slightly slanted. Ho ho. "Yes, well, you can see there are many more resistances here than darkness. I've got multiple servings of resistances for all the common elements."

Hmm. "...How much resistance are these supposed to give?"

"One hundred percent." She smirks… only to slouch a little. "At first. Almost immediately it drops down to ninety percent, and then, yeah…"

"Shitty potions." Mokou surprises me by being next to me but slightly out of sight. Freakin'...!

"Oh, yeah?" Working her way around the table, Kaguya frowns. "You think you know medicine? Those shitty herbs around your shack don't _count_."

Mokou just grins back at her. "Why can't they just make us immune for an hour or somethin', and not just wear off?"

...Kaguya turns to the table thoughtfully. "You know, I asked her that. She just started talking about the chemistry, and… it is too complex for a small mind like yours." Pleased with herself, Kaguya turns away, towards the screen. "How unfortunate."

"So tell me a little." Mokou calls her bluff. "What's so hard to understand?"

…

"Well…" Still facing away from us, she focuses on the screen. "There's… many formulas involved, yes. And, that is to say… many ingredients, which… are hard to find, and not very easy to replicate. Uhm-"

"You know what? Shut up." Mokou's had enough.

...Kaguya just huffs.

Well, that was a rollercoaster!

...Maribel, Ha-chan, and Futo are over by the chair gettin' acquainted, Kaguya's still staring at that screen, and Mokou's still by the table with me.

There's also a bottle of Drop-Me-Not left for me! Oh, joy of joys…

Picking up the toothpaste-in-a-jar, I pop it open, and immediately chug it. Might as well get this over- oh, jeez…!

"Kaf-kaugh…" It really is like fucking toothpaste…! "Gugh…"

Dropping Tundra Bloomer, I pull out Deep Blue, turn on the valve, and hover one of the edges of the hanger over my mouth.

Oo~h, yeah. There we go. Actual freakin' _liquid_.

Maribel meanders over. "...Is that plant hanger _leaking?_ "

Mokou snorts. "What's it look like?"

...As if considering this, Maribel takes a moment. "It looks like it's leaking." That might be because it is, friend…

It seems that Kaguya managed to get like six Mega Elixirs, and like nine bottles of resistance stuff. There are also some other little bottles, but I dunno what those are for yet.

"Yo, Kaguya." Time to find out! Also, tighten the valve on Deep Blue so I stop getting slowly drowned… "What're these little bottles for?"

"Hmm?" She turns to steal a glance at the table, but promptly turns back around to watch the screen. "Panaceas. One's an experimental thing, I'll probably use it on Mokou if she dies."

I only know what a panacea is because of gaming. Status ailments begone! I assume within like, ten seconds, we're just going to get like… cursed, weakened, poisoned, lit on fire, drenched in water, zapped into deadlock, all within the first ten minutes.

"The fuck?" Mokou doesn't like the sound of that! "Yeah, no."

...Expecting that, Kaguya smirks. "Oh, I'm sure I'll just _happen_ upon a dying human to test it on at some point, then. It's no big deal."

…

"I fucking hate you." Mokou begins to roll up her sleeves. Hey, now…

I hold up a hand. "Ea~sy, friends. Let's not fuck each other up before we get fucked up, yeah?"

...Mokou just exhales in response.

Bomb defused, son.

" _Aaaa~h!_ "

We all cringe as a loud scream blares from the screen. Freakin'...! I dunno who even screamed, either!

…

After a minute of just idly watching the action- and hearing Maribel and Futo talking too quietly for me to hear it over the violence on the boobtube- Aya begins to interrupt things.

"Hey!" Her microphone makes her voice louder than the action! "Cease fire! Stop! Stop stop stop!"

Almost immediately, the other stage is cleared off. Everything in the air is erased with a gentle gust of wind, and Yuuka's retracting vines clean up everything on the stage below. This also includes the stage floor, which is now gone entirely.

...Sanae's still floating! Yo! She's only got half a shrine maiden outfit on, though…

"A-aah…" Suwako was actually on the ground, for some unholy reason. She was stumbling around blindly, almost her entire body encased in a strong lookin' layer of chlorophyll stained rock.

She also had some black miasma all over her, was on fire, parts of her had huge ice chunks attached to her, a~nd she had electricity running along her rocky exterior. Oof. Life is rough, yo.

...Also, she was swinging her arms around blindly, like she was still being attacked. I don't think she knows what's goin' on inside 'a all those rocks!

Hina had no more limbs. Wow. Literally just a floating torso with a head. That's gotta be kinda awkward…

Shizuha's mangled, chlorophyll-stained body was lying on the jagged floor. I'd really like to know how a god's physical forms work now, 'cause u~h… if she was human, she wouldn't be _alive_ by now.

I don't see Minoriko anywhere. She mighta gotten shot into outer _space_.

...Sanae floated to a stop, noticing her stage was clean now. "A-ah…" Her body was covered in dark miasma, though, which obscured her eyes. I'd imagine her stage _sounded_ clean, then... "Kanako-sama~!"

Coming to her aid, Kanako appeared beside her!

…Kanako was _also_ still on the stage across from her. That's _weird_.

"Hmhmhm…" Chuckling, Kanako obeyed an unspoken request by her shrine maiden.

Woo~sh!

A swift wind caressed Sanae's entire stage. With that, Sanae began darting around with insane speed, still flying her oval. Although, since she couldn't see-

Ti~ng!

She slammed into the barrier- hard. She seemed scrambled and startled by the impact, but all she did was turn the opposite direction and zoom off once the feelings subsided.

The Kanako she summoned blurred into non-existence. Yeah, the deed was completely freakin' done, yo. Buff her speed, watch her hit a wall, and just leave.

…

"U~hm…" Maribel is likely having second thoughts!

...I am, too!

...Kaguya's grinning at the screen. Oh, fuck me, is she really considering cheesing this with resistances? Like-... _fading_ resistances? That won't even be good for more than like, thirty minutes?

Seriously- how would we even go on the offense with those guys? _Yukari's_ there! I don't even know if she's _got_ an elemental weakness!

"I think," Futo began, speaking up… "we should let Fujiwara and Houraisan operate in our steed while we sit out for undisclosed reasons. That way, we still may receive participation prizes."

Kaguya turns to her, sneering. "Pussy."

Mokou scowls at her too. "Bitch."

"Just a thought, just a thought…!" Futo steps back, spooked! Ho ho!

...I haven't heard much from Ha-chan in awhile, yo. I turn to her. "Hello, friend."

She smiles. "Hello~!"

"What do you think, yo?" Let us see if she has been paying attention…!

"I think we're screwed!" Ho ho! She has!

...If a bit too peppy about it! Aa~h, you can never be too peppy about it, though…

The camera pans to the judge's booth.

Rinnosuke and Akyuu are now up, probably because of the immense noise.

"Uhm…" Aya watches Sanae go batshit in the air over her stage. "Is… somebody gonna stop her?"

Promptly, Sanae is captured by a gap, which closes.

"...Okay." Aya just blinks at that. "Well, uhm… yeah."

The crowd seems to have… built back up? Probably 'cause the bosses were so noisy at four in the morning.

"What do~... you guys think?" Aya is not sure what to say!

"...Powerful." Rinnosuke is observant. Good to know he's not all sandy eyes, just wakin' up and all!

"Too powerful." Akyuu shakes her head. "Too powerful…"

Mima's voice is heard from the boss stage. "Aa~h, shut up!"

Akyuu just frowns at her.

"We~ll… Big Bad Bosses wins." Aya declares the victory! "And, u~h… up next will be Burlington Fluff versus Big Bad Bosses."

There's a general murmur from both the crowd, and from the bosses.

"Who?" Mima looks around idly.

"Ooh, it's a lightning round!" Yuyuko is here despite the fuss she made earlier in the crowd.

"Aa~h…" Shinki did some stretches in the air. "That was fun."

Oo~h, boy.

Turning away from the screen 'n' picking up Tundra Bloomer from the floor, I apply the strength buff to myself. Defense and physical attack up, yo… and I dunno by how much.

"So- about those barriers…!" Maribel begins abruptly. "They were the things that girl kept hitting into, right?"

"Quite." Steeling herself up, Futo stretched a little… "Hnn~h… ha~h. The barriers that encompass both stages are completely physical and magical resistant. Meanwhile, the midway barrier is only loosely physically resistant. This does not include enchanted objects, or magically oriented physical attacks."

"...Oh." Maribel looks away, having received more than she asked for. "Well… what if I could open a hole in one?"

Kaguya hastily brought some potions over to us. "Yeah, fat fuckin' chance. Everyone, take an elixir. To use 'em, toss 'em up, they heal us all to full. Brad, since your bag's fuckin' endless, you take the panaceas."

Oo~h! No more debuffs for me, for awhile!

"Seriously!" Maribel didn't like just being dismissed like that. "I've got this, uhm… power."

Ha-chan snuck up on her… and spoke into her ear. "But do you have the touch?"

...Awh. Maribel just freakin' did a little leap away from her.

Noticing Kaguya gather the buncha tiny bottles of panacea, I take out my bag 'n' open 'er up.

She steps over and drops them in. "There. Six panaceas. If you lose _any_ of them, I'm going to take _everything_ out of your bag, and spend the day figuring out which one fits your ass the best."

...Jesus, I guess she really likes her panaceas!

Hastily, she also takes the Mega Elixirs, and starts passin' em out by dropping one in my bag. She hands the rest out to everyone.

"Good thing I ordered a spare…" She placed the last in Maribel's hands. "If you waste it, it's your fault."

"Okay…" Maribel looked at the bottle curiously.

Pocketing hers, Futo steps up to me. "Armaments, please."

Politeness, yo. I hand her Fairy Harp. Then-

Mokou just outright takes my bag, and pulls out Flame Salvo. "This'll do. Feel more comfortable with fire."

...She also draws Deep Blue, and tosses it over to Kaguya, who fumbles to catch it.

"Hey- ugh!" Kaguya throws herself in front of the resistance potions to shield them, the hanger thunking into her. "Dumb motherfucker…"

Maribel snorted at the language. "...Well, this definitely _feels_ like a circus."

...Rippin' my bag back outta Mokou's hands as she grins at Kaguya, I steel my hands around Tundra Bloomer.

Turning to me, Maribel speaks. "Hey, uh… I'm gonna try to do something with the barrier to the left. If someone could… guard me?"

"No issue." Futo assures her, moving to the door. "Defense is one of my specialties!" ...S'it really?

The sliding door onto the stage begins to open…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

O~h, man. They're all _right there_. This is so fucked.

Awkwardly, my team has to make a small leap of about two feet to our stage's floor. The wooden part is just gone, and there's only uneven rocks and dirt. Wow.

"O~h, dear…" Futo is experiencing dread. "Oo~h, dear…"

Kaguya seems to replaced a myriad of her 3DS systems with resistance potions, lining her pockets with them. "Oka~y… if we have any time at all to react, we should be able to shamble up enough defense to live for ten seconds."

...Maribel already had her eye on the left border of the stage.

Futo slapped Fairy Harp with her hand. " _Aeroga!_ "

Fwi-fwi-fwi-fwi-fwi-fwish!

...All of us have wind shields now. Yo. Actually… not only are they wind shields, they've got fairy dust glitter in them, too! Futo must've cast this with my hanger! Yo ho ho!

It's apparently a conduit for wind magic, then. I need ta find more wind upgrades.

Abruptly, Ha-chan ducks behind me, shivering. "Br-Brad-kun…"

Woa~h, when'd you grow self-preservation? "Ah- yo, whazzap?"

I look into her fearful eyes, and she points across the stage. "A-ah…"

...Lookin' at the opposite stage- oh. Yukari waves at us. Guess Ha-chan's still scared 'a her. I mean, that's good. Yukari's someone to be scared of!

"Go!" Aya shouts. That was freakin' fast! Where's the intro!? I wanna forfeit!

Immediately, Yukari holds an arm out to the side, signalling ceasefire.

"... _Really_." Yuuka is not amused.

Maribel begins to move for the leftmost border, Futo flying near her protectively. I go with her, too, because I'm sure Yukari won't let her VIP just get vaporized by her buddies.

Kaguya and Mokou immediately charge to the front, but don't react immediately since the other band hasn't done anything yet. I'm pretty sure going on the offense might be a big mistake when the entire enemy team has fuckin'... _tubs_ for HP pools.

As Maribel awkwardly bounds around the uneven rock for terrain- which is honestly pretty horrible like Jesus- we get freakin' ganked!

Yukari slips out of a gap before us. Aaa~h!

"Where do you think _you're_ going?" She smirks at us, floating with proper posture. Aw, geez…

"A-ah, you…!" Maribel recognizes the powers! "Gaps!?"

Futo raises Fairy Harp! "I shall clobber thee, Yakumo! Leave our finest maiden be!"

Yukari just snorts at that. "...Oo~h, it's not like I'm going to _hurt_ her. Why, I-"

Darting towards her at high speed, Futo swings Fairy Harp-

 _Krii~ng!_

Bam! Futo crashes face first into a street sign readin' 'wrong way', which just spontaneously erected out of a gap. Good.

" _Aaa~h!_ " Ha-chan pierces my eardrums. Lookin' over at her… she's not in trouble, she just screamed. You~ _freakin'_...

Maribel raises her plant hanger in defiance, as Yukari drifts closer to her... "Hey, hey, now…"

I~'m, um, nearby. What do.

...Kneeling down- which is hard, this floor be damned- I jam Tundra Bloomer into the rock, channeling mana into it.

Fwooo~...

Eat Gaia Seed! I _know_ you're vulnerable to tiredness! _That's_ your elemental weakness!

The magic circle generates around Yukari. In a second, she actually leans out of the way of the magic circle, allowing it to initialize on nothing. Once it's over, she snaps back into place, still floating towards Maribel.

Whelp. I tried. That's the limit of my debuff game…!

Mokou runs around the side, flanking Yukari. "Surprise, _bitch!_ " Aiming Flame Salvo at the gap youkai, she unleashes a solid beam of fire!

Yukari opens a gap before herself, and it consumes the fire. Ah, boy…

" _Aaa~e!_ " Kaguya lets out a surprised screech, now engulfed in flames. The water hanger in her hands began spritzing out random gushes of water in response, slowly dousing her.

...Mokou just grinned. "Y'know, I don't actually mind that outcome."

"Oh crap, oh crap…" Maribel was getting increasingly freaked out by the slowly approaching gap youkai.

Pulling out Youkai Inconveniencer, I aim it at Yukari. Can I~... weaken her with holy magic? I channel mana into it…

Fwish! An orb of light generated at Yukari's position, too fast for her to dodge. It expanded, engulfing her.

...Once it was out, she was no longer there.

" _Aaaa~h!_ " Ha-chan, goddamn, calm your-...

Upon turning towards my fairy friend, I see Yukari now has her in her arms. Ha-chan was also crying.

Yukari just smiled at me and Maribel. "...You'll get your turn. Please wait warmly while girls get acquainted." Yo~u asshole.

...She smoothly runs her hands up Ha-chan's torso, caressing her. When it reaches the fairy's neck-

Krik. Pi~chun!

In one swift movement, she twisted Ha-chan's head awkwardly, killing her and forcing her to explode into mana. We~ll, of all the ways she coulda gone, that's probably gonna be one for the scrapbooks!

With that, the Yukari that killed her blurred out of existence. What?

"Aah!" Maribel leapt back, and tumbled on some rockage, landing on her bum. When I turned to see why, Yukari was before her again.

" _Hold!_ " Futo was up again!

...Yukari just turned to her, her expression slowly shifting to a pout.

Holding her arm out, Futo generated a small shaft before herself. Two stacks of plates began forming along either end of the staff… and they kept forming! Eventually, she had an immense battle staff of plates bigger than like, ten of herself. Wind whirled around the two tall, horizontally tilted shafts.

"Haa~h…" Expression flaring, Futo began swinging it with Yukari in the radius. "Hraa~gh!"

Violent wind lashed out from the plates as they kinda sorta lagged behind her swing. She kept the swing going, making it one big spinny attack.

Yukari floated up to avoid it.

...Well. That's… kind of an oversight, innit?

Noticing, Futo took up to the air, the propellor of plate doom slowly approaching Yukari.

To avoid it, Yukari simply floated back into a gap, and appeared under Futo.

"Ghh…" Noticing this, Futo let her plate staff freakin' reassemble like a _transformer_. The plates all broke formation, and even _more_ began forming outta freakin' nothing. Futo rode along a few which floated under here, moving further into the air...

" _Yakumo!_ " As she rode the small stream of the plates, all of the present plates eventually congealed into one big flowy mass of plates. Once it reached the opposite end of the stage, Futo directed them up, and pointed them back at where Yukari was…

Fwi-fwi-fwish! Three jagged prongs made entirely of plates extended out from the tip of the formation, making it look like Futo made a _plate dragon_.

"Don the face of _despair!_ "

Kaguya, who was in the way, soaked, and scorched, hastily began to draw a bottle of wind resistance…

I~'m just gonna hug the stage wall, and not be in the way of whatever's going to happen.

Mokou flopped to the floor for safety.

"A-ah!" Maribel fell into a gap, and was plopped out well behind Futo's plate dragon not a second later.

Yukari stared up at the plate dragon, as the three prongs began spinning…

 _Woo~sh!_

An immense, horizontal typhoon was generated across the stage, like the kind Kanako made in the mansion when the fluffles were invading. Fairy dust also accented this huge ass beam of wind.

 _WooWooWoo~sh! Fwoo~sh!_

...

It lasted a good twenty seconds, too! Je~sus Christ! _Futo's_ doin' this!? Was this her limit break or somethin'!?

...When the typhoon ended, the plate dragon unceremoniously rained down onto the floor, creating a fucking loud racket.

Cra-cra- _crack-_ you know what, you get the picture…

...Futo slowly floated to the floor, taking deep breaths. "Ha~h… haa~h…"

Yukari was nowhere to be found. Kaguya was looking around with a thick layer of glittery fairy dust caked to her back, apparently completely unaffected by the wind.

Mokou got up from the floor, her front covered in dirt and her back caked in fairy dust.

From a gap, Yukari descended behind Futo. A beam of danmaku energy generated in her right hand, which she reeled back, and swung.

" _Gaa~h…!_ " It seamlessly slid straight through Futo's form, leaving her body crackling with danmaku energy as she fell forward, awkwardly collapsing onto the rocks.

Cli~ng! Her wind shield became opaque for a moment, apparently reducing the damage of Yukari's blow. Isn't that like, fifty percent damage reduction?

"Fufufu~..." Yukari seemed pleased. "...Kanako~, take care of their buffs."

On cue, a soft wind blew across our stage.

 _Woo~sh_.

...All our wind shields just stopped being. Oh-... what the fuck!? My strength buff, that's gone too!? What the fuck does Kanako's wind even _do!?_

Putting away Youkai Inconveniencer, I buff myself with Tundra Bloomer again. Yeah, no, I'm gonna have _some_ defense, thank you very much.

...As Yukari turned away from Futo, the latter sprung up! "Ah _ha!_ I have-"

Thwash!

Yukari put another danmaku laser through Futo's stomach, this time without a wind shield to reduce the damage to nothing.

"..Aa-...aa~h…?" Futo's face was one of disbelief.

Stumbling back, Futo fell back onto the floor, writhing in pain.

"...We~ll? Anyone else bored?" Yukari lazily calls out to everyone.

A murmur comes from the bosses stage. None of our guys reply!

...Normally I'd speak up, but eeheheh… don't want that uh… pain train.

Slowly, Yukari drifted down to Maribel again…

Maribel reeled her arm back, and threw the plant hanger. "Ha~h!"

Clo~ng. It bounced off of Yukari's head.

"...Fufufu~..." Yukari just laughed it off. "Hahahaha~..."

Holding her arm up, she held up three fingers.

 _Kri~ng!_ An immense blade of ice shot up from the rocks, cleaving Mokou's free arm clean off. " _Aaaugh!_ " Seconds later, it retracted into the floor.

Yukari lowered one finger, now holding up two. I know how to count, son…!

 _Wooa~sh_ … A portal of darkness opened up beneath Kaguya, various dark blobs flowing out.

Kaguya looked around her. "...What the fuck is-..."

The darkness faded immediately, Kaguya dropping onto her side on the spot. I dunno if she was dead, or if that just knocked her out.

...I am the _last_ uninjured party member. Oh, fuck…!

I take out a Mega Elixir, ready for the pain…!

Yukari was now holding up one finger.

Mokou held up Flame Salvo with her good arm, aiming it across the stage. "Fuck _you!_ "

Fwoo~m!

Yuuka drifted away from the beam.

Immediately, a series of vines erupted from under Mokou, jabbing through her form. "Gu-ugh, augh- gugh…!"

Popping the cork offa the Mega Elixir, but not knowin' what to do with it, I toss it into the air!

It shines once it gets air, and vanishes. Then, a drop of golden liquid falls over all my living party member's heads.

...This excludes Kaguya. Whatever that darkness attack was, it killed her _instantly_. Jesus.

Fwash! Mokou's form glowed white, for a moment. Then, her arm began _regrowing_. Holy _shit_.

"Ur~gh…" Futo slowly got up from the floor. "By the prince's name…"

Fwoom! Mokou made the vines piercing her go up in flames. Despite her vine holes healing up, she began to shamble towards me desperately…

"Yo, yo, yo!" Why're you coming over here!? I'm not supposed to _be_ here, son!

"Po-poison…!" She hacks out. "Kaugh! _Poison!_ "

Oh, shit!

Reaching into my bag, I take out a panacea and run up ta her. I try to hand it over, but she just rips it outta my hands, pops the top off, and chugs it.

"Kgh, mmgh…" She chokes on it as it goes down. Yeowch.

Yukari is now holding up no more fingers. None of the fingers, son, none of them.

Kaguya begins to get back up, since instant death doesn't seem to actually hurt the body much. "...What happened?"

Guess the immortals aren't instant death resistant, but they just get back up in like, thirty seconds.

On the other stage, Mima and Yuuka begin to shift. The other girls all float to the far edges of the stage, while Mima and Yuuka take the center.

"Ready, sunflower?" Mima looked over at Yuuka, grinning.

...Yuuka just gave her a _stare_.

Floating behind Mima, Yuuka-... there's now _two_ of her.

Mima formed a complex magical circle before herself, while the two Yuukas held out their umbrellas.

Oh. Oo~h, I see where this is going. I need to get out of dodge. I need to hop towns, change names, and freakin'... Aaaa~h!

I put away Tundra Bloomer, take out the Bawmber, and take out Million Bucks. Yeah, it's time to book it!

Crouching, I hit the floor-

Boom! Oww~!

Flying towards the back wall, I hit that-

Boom! Ouu~ch… self-explosion dama~ge...

I hit the rocky floor with my knees- agh! Shit, that's gonna sting…!

...My limbs are now staticy! Time to run, son!

I glance at the opposing stage. Mima's now got big, black wings spread out behind herself, and the tips of the two Yuuka's umbrellas are glowing.

With my new speed, I now run towards Maribel and Yukari, 'cause fuck it. There's nowhere else to go, and they're hogging the farthest end away from this bullshit!

Mokou and Kaguya stare at the incoming endless pain.

...Kaguya just lets out a sigh of existential angst, before turning to Mokou. "What element do you think those beams'll be?"

"This is your fault." Mokou spends her last moments blaming Kaguya.

...Kaguya nods. "Mnh. I could see that."

Futo seems to have my idea, and is also running towards Yukari. Except, I think she's going to try attacking her _again_.

True to my beliefs, Futo tried to leap at Yukari! "Here!"

When she brought her plant hanger down, Yukari held up a hand and grabbed it.

…Futo just awkwardly hung off of it.

…

Futo kicked Yukari in the gut, earning a small, subtle flinch from the gap youkai.

"Hah!" Futo considered this a victory.

Yukari held up her free hand-

Vrrr. A small beam of danmaku went into Futo's gut.

...Futo let go of Fairy Harp, and unceremoniously splayed out on the rock beneath Yukari.

"...Hmm." Yukari began twirling Fairy Harp around on her hand. "Fun toy."

I have reached them! I duck behind Maribel!

Maribel looks over at me. "U-uhm, hey…"

"Yeah, hi…" This band thing ain't goin' so good, du~de…! "You said something about gap- walls- making a gap in the wall?"

She nods. "Ye-yeah, I-I, yeah!" Good!

Yukari looks over at us, smirking. "Oo~h? What's the rush?"

I point at the other stage's oncoming _catastrophe_. "You tell me. You _freakin'_ tell me!"

...Maribel's still looking around, all frazzled. Nudging her, I point at the rightmost wall, which we were now near. "Let us gap that wall!"

"Okay…!" Maribel runs towards it with me!

Now, we are at the wall…

"U-uhm…" Maribel tries touching it-

Ti~ng! Her hand retracts a bit.

I snap my fingers. "Son, son, son…!"

"I-I don't know how to gap that wall!" Maribel panics!

Oh, for fucking…

I look at the opposite stage- shit's glowing! I don't know what they're doin', but they're makin' shit _glow!_ I don't like it when enemy shit _glows!_

"Need a hand?" Yukari drifts up behind us.

"Fa~hk!" I inform her.

...I look over at Kaguya. She's sitting next to Mokou, rapidly downing all the resistance potions. Mokou's just standing there with her hands in her pockets.

"U-uhm, yes, please…!" Maribel accepts her offer!

Yukari smirks, folding her arms. "What did you do… to get in here?"

...Maribel blinked. "Get drafted into the circus?"

Yukari blinked. " _Before_ that."

...I dunno what she meant, but somethin' clicked in Maribel's mind. Focusing on the barrier, she held out a hand.

…

…

…

Damn, this is taking awhile…

I look over at Yukari, who's just intent on watching Maribel.

Kaguya's downed all the resistance potions, and is now throwing the bottles around wildly.

Mokou's being casual…!

Futo seems to be absent, for some reason. I think Yukari gapped her body away.

...The enemy shit is still glowing as bright as before, for some reason. Are we… just waiting for Maribel to do her thing?

…

…

Ho~ly shit, we _are_. Yukari, you freakin'...

Slowly, a hole starts to form in the rightmost barrier of the arena. A bunch, actually…!

The pale blue reflective hexagons of the barrier begin distorting and corrupting, their forms fading inwards. The entire barrier went from transparent to completely opaque, showing that the barrier did indeed go somewhere into outer freakin' space. For some reason, it also looks like the barrier went into the booth section a little, too? Huh…

...The hexagon before us flickers out of existence.

...Maribel opens her eyes. "Woa~h…!"

I run! "Let's go, let's go!" ...I'm not as panicked as earlier, since Yukari apparently scripted the escape sequence. But still… dayum!

...Once we got outside the barrier, we turned around-

 _Fwoaa~sh!_ A huge, teal beam was shot by one of the Yuukas. Thick crackles of electricity ran along the length of the shaft as it expanded-

 _Fwoaa~sh!_ The other Yuuka fired her own spark, the two beams roaring towards our stage-

KRAKOOM

From Mima's central position, a massive yellow, red, and black laser roared out, giving my ear drums a sound thrashin'...

With her hands in her pockets, Mokou stared at the oncoming beams, which all congealed into one bright mess of violence and neon destruction.

...Kaguya sighed, seated next to her. She said somethin' to Mokou, but I'll be damned if I could hear anything over those death lasers!

KROO~M

The thick beams struck the opposite stage.

The rock beneath the beam was rended, the sheer magnitude of the blast sending chunks flying straight up into the air. The back wall of the stage folded and crumpled, some pieces cast to the air, and others simply obliterated.

Bam! Boom! Bam! Boom!

The triple spark stretched down the road behind the stage's back wall. I~... hope no villagers were taking a midnight stroll.

…

Once the immensely bright death beam ended, we got to see the results!

The two reddish barriers in the middle of the stage were actually _erased_ by the powerful beam. There was now a shaft-shaped indent in the dirt where our stage used to be, and two scaffold towers were all that was left of it.

…

…

The audience slowly began clapping. Oh, right, these assholes were just _here_. Maribel's right, you guys are freakin'...

"...Wo~w." Maribel was impressed. I am, too!

...Yukari drifted out from a gap before us. "Hello~. Enjoying the concert?"

If I could shove Tundra Bloomer up your ass, I _would_.

Turning to me, she smirked, but didn't say anything. Oh, right, she can read what I'm writing. Life is rough, yo…

"...I guess." Maribel just nodded numbly. "...That was _amazing._ I hardly even participated, that just kind of happened."

"Fufufu~!" Yukari was amused. "Quite. Oh, and by the way…"

A gap opened a little ways off the floor, and her suitcase and plant hanger fell out. Oi, that reminds me… what about _my_ stuff?

Looking over at me, she pointed to my bag.

...I opened it up, and reached in. I was able to find Deep Blue, Flame Salvo, and Fairy Harp inside by feelin' around, among others. Does Yukari just have access to my bag? Probably, all things considered…

...Oh, yeah. I've also got five panaceas, now. Hope Kaguya doesn't want them back!

…

"We~ll…" Yukari does a quaint stretch. "I will have to get going, soon. Maybe take a power nap…"

Maribel holds out a hand. "Wait."

...Well, Yukari don't seem to be goin' anywhere at the moment.

"Who… are you?" Maribel looks down at her purple dress… which is identical to the purple dress Yukari's currently got on, give or take some more intricate details Yukari's got. Maribel's mob cap is missin' that ribbon that Yukari's got on the front, but otherwise they look identical, too.

"Oh…" Smiling down at Maribel, Yukari is as vague as ever. "A friend."

Oo~h, yeah, good. A friend, huh? I'm not sure whether or not I wanna comment on how cliche that sounds, or the fact that sounds slightly sinister. Well- _anything_ from Yukari sounds slightly sinister, so I guess that's besides the point…

She looks over at me. "I suppose such an expression is slightly worn."

Ho ho.

Maribel nodded. "Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. You were kinda cool up until that point."

Yukari snorted, looking at Maribel again. "Well… what would _you_ have me do?"

...Maribel adjusted her posture, putting her arms on her hips. "What kind of question is that? Well, uhm…"

Trying to imitate Yukari's smirk, Maribel folds her arms. "...We may never meet again, but we'll never forget each other."

"Kingdom Hearts." Yukari monotoned.

"How do you even _know!?_ " Maribel held her arms out! "We're in the middle of _nowhere!_ "

"Fufufu~..." Yukari folded her arms, before suddenly perking up. "Oh!"

Maribel blinked. "What?"

"Nice dress." Yukari gave her a thumbs up!

"...Thanks, you too…" Maribel looked back and forth between their dresses. "Why, uhm, are your clothes almost identical to mine?"

...Giving a small shrug, Yukari opened a gap behind herself. "Oh, great minds think alike. I really must be going. Enjoy your stay in Gensokyo…"

"He-hey! Wait!" Maribel reached out for her, but within a moment, Yukari was gone, the gap shut. "...I want to know how to _do_ that..."

Oo~h, don't we all…

…

Whe~lp… I'm tired. Very tired.

...The bosses are floating around idly on the stage that still exists, apparently abandoned by Yukari.

"Oo~kay…" I hear Aya announcing stuff from here! "Looks like… Big Bad Bosses win, again. Next up will be the Prismriver Sisters versus the Tsukumogami Sisters!"

Well, as fun as it would be to watch the ghosts become ghosts of ghosts, I think I'm just gonna~...

...Just gonna shamble around until I find somewhere to collapse and not get shanked in my sleep! Also, I just realized, but Futo probably still has a Mega Elixir on her, wherever she is. I~'d like to get my hands on that… freakin', yo. If anything, I could sell it for like, thirty regular potions. That seems like way more bang for my buck, considering my max health is probably a thousandth of people who actually need Mega Elixirs. That, and I don't have huge ass parties often, so mega anything's kinda overkill.

As I meander off into the evening, looking for that one house Fred lives at, Maribel tags along. "Where are you going?"

"Home." I inform her.

Her expression becomes dry. "I thought you said you didn't live here, either…"

...Turning to her, I grin. "I don't! Also- what, ya think this village is the only place for squishy people to live?"

She's indifferent. "Well, you were eying the houses…"

"We have the best houses, don't we?" I comment on the _plywood huts_. "I think they used like, Gorilla Glue."

The sun's starting to come up. I was up all _night_. Jesus. Actually, if I fall asleep now, I'm just gonna wake up in the evening. What a terrible night to have a curse!

...Which, in Gensokyo, is every night! Wahaha!

"I'm sure." She eyed the houses skeptically.

Oh, yeah, the road Fred lives on is also the road that got freakin' completely annihilated by the triple spark the girls let loose. Ho ho ho…

Moving through some of the beam-shaped indentation in the floor- it wasn't so deep really- I slowly but surely progressed towards Fred's house…

Fred has the door open, too! Aw, how nice of him. He's also there, holding his staff.

"...Oi, you." He calls out to me once I begin to near the door. "Do you have something to do with _this?_ " He gestures to the huge beam-shaped dip that stretched down the entire road.

...Looking along it, I also see that the beam annihilated the village gate on the far side. Hyonk.

"Ah, yeah, that was me." I admitted. "Dropped my cheerios, 'n' one thing led to another, y'know?"

"Fucking-..." Fred shook his head, already fed up with the situation. "It was something to do with that music shite, I know that much."

Also, he points at Maribel. "Her. Who's she?"

Maribel gives a casual wave. "...Maribel."

"Oh." ...Fred nods. "Well, that explains everything, dunnit?"

…

"Why- why're you two still here?" Looking back and forth between us, Fred raises his staff! "Scoot along, yes?"

"We need a place to crash, _son_." I inform him. "Fer the night."

"Ahaha- fuck you."

He closes the door in our face.

…

Raising her eyebrows, Maribel responds. "Wow. Gensokyo hits a little closer to home than I thought it would."

Pffft…

Approaching the door, I draw Tundra Bloomer and beat it the fuck up.

Bam bam bam!

"Asshole!" Fred yells back at us.

"I got some of your _cash!_ " I remind him. "From the job!"

…

The door opens up, Fred's expression neutral. "Fine, w'ever. Just for t'night, yeah?" Money talks, son.

I give a thumbs up. "Ye, ye."

With that, he lets us inside. When I get in, I hear a sigh. Sarah walks by us, her flintlock now pointed at the floor.

Maribel watches her walk by as she enters behind me. "...Does she have a gun?"

"Mmm." Fred all but ignores her. Y'know, broads holdin' flintlocks is an everyday occurrence! "So, how much?"

Come to think of it, how many villagers do have guns? Why doesn't the guard use 'em? Unless they're all muskets and flintlocks, in which case I can see why. Unlike Albus and that one kid, not everyone's flintlock has unlimited ammo. Takes like a solid _minute_ to reload, and that's if we're freakin' FPS heroes. I guess bows are actually the superior technology, for now!

...I think a bullet might do more to a wolfman than a arrow, though. If it _hits_.

Oh, right, gotta respond to him. "We got like, twenty k total." I tell 'em. "How's ten grand sound as a cut?"

Fred's eyes are narrow. "...Why'd that take you like, an hour? Shouldn't you _know_ how much cash ya made?"

I wave him off. "Ahh, village taxed rewards on that one, supposedly. That, or the guard robbed me. Freakin'... either or!"

"You got robbed, mate." Moving deeper into the house, he sighed. "Whatever, just gimme the shit. Sleep w'ever."

Oh, right. As I follow him into the next room, I warn him. "Son, that might take awhile. I didn't eat recently…!"

...Lookin' back at me, as he nears a coffee table, he gives me the stink eye. "I meant the _cash_ , dumbass!" Wahaha!

Alri~ght…

Reachin' into my bag, I pull out the separate bag for cash, and sort through that...

"Woah, woah, woah…" Fred boggles at the bag. "That's way more than twenty thousand, mate."

I roll my eyes. "Son, it's not like I went into that job drop dead broke. I had _funds!_ How'd'you think I lived so long?" Yeah, I'm lying out of my ass. That job was like, all the money I ever made! I took it when I was, in fact, drop dead broke!

"...Alright, w'ever." Fred buys my explanation.

Takin' out ten thousand yen, I set it on the coffee table.

"S'a pleasure, mate." Giving me a grin, Fred took the cash and shoved it into his own pocket. "Yer alright, y'know that? 'Side from the whole crossdressing thing- like, when're you gonna take that _stupid_ wig off?"

Hey, yo… it's warm. Albeit, not comfortable to sleep in, as I've found out once or twice…

Taking my wig off, I shove it into my bag! "Right now, son. S'not good to sleep with your hair on."

Fred meanders off, to the fourth, backmost room of the house. I take a look, and- oo~h, he's got a staircase! It's… well, it's a pretty demented staircase, but it's a staircase.

"C'mon, Sarah…" He climbs the stairs... kinda literally, since they're more like a ladder if it were designed by people who had nothing but square blocks of wood. Also, if they had no idea what a ladder looked like.

Over in the main room, Sarah- that one girl with the eyepatch who was gapped in here for some reason sometime ago- was preoccupied with Maribel. "...Yukari?"

"Maribel." Maribel dryly clarified. "People keep calling me that."

"Maybe that's who you are." Sarah slides her flintlock into an almost-holster along her waist, before progressing towards the 'staircase'. "Well, whatever. If you don't want to tell me anything, that's fine. I like my life here, now."

...Maribel just nodded approvingly. "Okay, then. Good job?"

...Sarah gave 'er a funny look, before climbing the stairs after Fred.

Once they were both up in the tiny ass second floor, a latch was closed over the stairs, denying access to the second floor entirely.

Cli-click. It locked, yo.

...Aw, dude!

I step towards that one tubby fluffle they kept in the corner of the room. "Hey, friend."

"im big fat big fat" It informed me. "would you like to be like me"

...I shook my head. "No."

"Are you sure we should stay here?" Maribel held her left arm with her other arm, lookin' _unsure_. "...I don't really trust those guys. Not that they're bad people or anything, but they seem… opportunistic, you know?"

I nod. "Oo~h, yeah. Yeah, me either..."

Giving the house a brief look around- which took all of ten seconds- I have concluded the only place to sleep is that freakin' coffee table.

"...There's nowhere to sleep, either." Maribel noted. "We should just go."

I snap my fingers and point at her. "That's where you're wrong, kiddo."

...She gives me a dry stare, and folds her arms.

Reaching into my bag… let's see, did Yukari save this? Oo~h, she _did!_

I begin to pull the table from the band booth out of my bag…

"Wh-what…?" Maribel is just now learning the secrets of my hammerspace bag!

It takes me a good minute, but I get the big freakin' coffee table out of my bag, and place it next to the other coffee table.

"There…" Shoulda buffed myself with Tundra Bloomer, but I managed anyway. "Beds."

Maribel rose her eyebrows. "... _Beds_."

Only problem is I still don't trust Fred to not do some kinky shit to us in our sleep. After all, I _did_ leave him tied up in Reimu's lair for some time…

...I feel like I had a solution to this problem before. It was with Ha-chan, before I-...

Ho~ly shit I forgot about London. Again. She makes a good sentry when you sleep.

Pulling out the operating cross, I begin channeling mana into it. Hope I have enough to _work_ this freakin' thing...

...There's a knock at the front door, which seems to have been closed earlier. Ho ho!

...

Maribel casually walks up to it, and opens it…

London floats in, big ass lance and all!

"A-ah…?" Curious, Maribel watches it float by her…

I clap my hands! "London! Stand sentry, yo. If ya see anyone who isn't me, or her," I gesture to Maribel, " _fuck_ 'em."

Stopping in place, London looks over at me, head tilted.

...I don't remember it doin' that.

London took a few idle practice swings with its lance, in my direction.

"Um…" Maribel smiles at it. "What is that?"

"It's my doll sentry friend!" Ho ho! "Say hi, London."

...London turns to Maribel. It swings its lance back and forth in the air. O~kay.

"Hi." Maribel gives a curt wave.

"With her here, no~ one will be able to molest us or abduct us or domesticate us in our sleep." With that, I start getting ready to clamber onto one of the tables… "Except really strong assholes, but we're _probably_ not gonna meet any tonight."

Actually, I'll sleep on the table I put in the middle of the room. Before that, I go over to London, and use my arms to manually put her in the corner of the room. The corner I put her in is like, nearly the house's center, so if anyone so much as walks in, they'll get sentry pains up the _ass_. No one expects the sentry right beside the doorway!

Now…

I flop onto the central table. I'll be the bait that lures people into the room! "Good night, yo…"

"... _Really?_ " Maribel is incredulous. "But-... I'm not tired, though. Well, not too tired… it was two PM where I came from."

"Take a power nap, then, yo." I reason. "Or- actually…"

Reachin' into my pockets, I take out my 3DS. "Gameage."

...Reluctantly, Maribel accepts the 3DS. Honh.

…

I try to get comfy on my table. Yeah, not happenin'. Luckily… I think I'm tired enough for it to not matter.

Maribel climbs onto the other table, and just kinda sits on it.

…

…

…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Why… me!?"

"Take her down, men!"

"Augh- sh-she's got me…"

I awaken to the sound of people falling over, arrows hitting something, and whining.

What the fuck is goin' on!?

Gettin' onto my limbs ontop of the table, I look around…

Oou~gh, I'm still tired, too. Just a bit. I'll take a nap later, or something…

Alright, so... there's three robed dudes at the back door, lying on the floor, crackling with what seems to be freshly dispensed yellow danmaku energy.

At one of the interior doors, Fred and Sarah are lying on the floor, unconscious but not danmakuified. Fred's snoring, but Sarah is quiet. Her flintlock is lying next to my table.

At the door that connect this room to the front entryway, there's five more dudes with bows and knives just stacked ontop of eachother, blown away. Ha-chan is lying in the corner of the room, unconscious and crackling with yellow danmaku energy.

London has like ten arrows piercing her torso, but she don't care 'cause she's a _doll_.

A guy outside the backdoor expresses rage. "Fuck… what _is this!?_ "

"Maybe 'is onna dose funny… uhm- fairies!" His friend don't sound too bright.

"Yeah- what fairy takes _ten arrows_ to the _boobs_ and sits still!?" Hyonk, hyonk, hyonk…

...I look over at Maribel, who's just sitting on her table in the fetal position.

"...I got _some_ sleep." She informs me. "Can we go? Like, now? I'm not going to get anymore sleep… and I'm _really_ bored."

You know what I just realized? Fred and Sarah locked themselves in their room just as dawn broke earlier. They were _totally_ gonna shank our asses- freakin' pretending to go to sleep at _dawn_ like I was.

...I don't know what the deal is with these like _nine_ other robbers. What is this!?

"Gotcha _bitch!_ " Darting in, a guy aims a _flintlock_ at London.

Pow!

As sparks bounce off of London's armored exterior, a stream of yellow, diamond-shaped danmaku flew at the goon in retaliation.

"Oh- crap- aaugh!"

Thud. The guy got _smoked_ , son.

"Yeah, we can go, now…" I decide. "I should probably flush out the last of these freakin'... bandit people."

By that, I mean have London do it. Since we're pincered, with mooks on both sides, I'm gonna have to put pressure on one side. Probably the front door…

Oh- right, I have mana potions, don't I? When I get a moment, I'll see how many I got total. For now, I'm just gonna spam confusing attacks to make the burglars at the front shit themselves.

Taking out Deep Blue, I focus on the area around the pile of unconscious crooks. Then, I crouch down, and smack the ground!

Clank. Fwuu~sh!

A stout geyser erupts in the front room!

"Woah- _ho~ly…!_ "

"Wha- agh, that _mage!_ It's the _mage!_ "

There's two dudes in the front room still. You'd think they'd just give up, seeing like over nine of their friends in a ruined heap on both ends of the room. At what point do you say 'yeah that's just impenetrable, let's not die today'?

A tubby guy runs in from the front room with a knife. "You skinny little cockroach bast- _gnah…!_ " Not only was he impeded by the pile of like _five_ other dudes, but London's bullets quickly put a stop to his progress.

Thud. "A-auh…" Well, now it's a pile of _six_ dudes. My only question is why they didn't go around the other way, 'cause this house's interior was one big loop of four tiny rooms.

Clambering off my table, I go into the room Fred and Velma- I mean, Fred and Sarah are. Oh, they barricaded the door with a table and some chairs. Where'd the other table come from, or was it always in that other room? Hmm.

Wait, yo.

Crouching down over Fred, I check his pockets. He's still got my cash on him…

...I look up at Maribel.

"Your 3DS is out of battery, by the way." She picks an apt time to inform me she used up all my battery playing games throughout the morning. Yukari'll probably charge it for me if I ask, since not-her was the one who did it.

I'll just take my money back from Fred. I'll call it a tax for wanting to shank me in the night… and for helping him with his insane burglar problem.

"That moment when an entire criminal organization tries to ransack your shack at the crack of dawn." Standing up, I begin considering popping another geyser in the front room…

Maribel snorted.

"You~ _shmuck_." I seem to have pissed off a guy in the front room.

...Weren't the doors _locked?_

Crouching down, I smack the ground again-

Fwuu~sh! "Gah- _stop_ that!"

"Oh!" I yell back! "Sorry about that! I thought you were a _burglar_ for a moment there! My mistake!"

He should be a li~ttle to the left… so I hit the floor again-

Fwuu~sh! A geyser erupted on the crook's side of the wall. "Aa- _aah!_ " His limbs bump against the wall, and after a few moments, the floor. I think I got a good hit!

Charging the hanger with mana again, I decide to do it one more time for good measure-

Fwuu~sh! "Gugh- aah!" Thu-thud!

Maybe one more time.

Fwuu~sh! "Gaa~h!" Thu-thud. Thud.

...May~be one more time.

Fwuu~sh! "Aah- _aaa~h!_ " Thu-thud.

...I actually feel a little strained, after that!

The dim guy outside the backdoor decides to try his luck! "Hahaha~! Goodie goodie for- eugh! Ow, ow, aauh…!" He begins to retreat when danmaku mauls his entire upper torso.

"London, use, uh, your ice attack!" Didn't Alice give you spells?

...London looks over at me, and shakes its head. Then, using its free hand, it gestures behind itself. It might be outta mana for exterior spellcasting… or it just told me no. I'm gonna assume it's outta mana. Alice _did_ say something about its mana, but I'll be damned if I remember…

The bulky dim dude is now back outside the door again, nursing his wounds. Oof.

Actually, how's Maribel got for a mana pool? She's an important Touhou character, so she's gotta have like, ten gallons of mana under that mob cap of hers…

"...Hey, Maribel." I look over at her.

She gets off the table. "Mmm?"

"Channel your mana into London, yo." I request.

The request makes her blink. "...U~hm… how? I-... I'm not sure if I _have_ mana."

Freakin'... you open _portals_ in _space_. You've probably got a lot more mana than I do!

"Look, you just…" Hmm. "Go up ta London- the doll girl- and put your hand on her back." I instruct.

...Maribel cautiously darts across the room, before getting behind London and putting her hand on its back.

"Now, u~h…" Aw, shit, I just kinda discovered my mana pool by accident, I dunno how to tell someone how to find theirs. Maybe if I taught her how to cast a crappy fireball, she'd learn… "I'm not sure how to tell someone how to find their mana pool."

"Wait…" Maribel focuses on the doll. "Let me~..."

…

…

She sighs, her hand still on its back. "Yeah, I'm not sure…"

"Try visualizing _something_ going from you into the doll." I try. "Like… energy. As if your mana was glowy super energy from games and stuff, like everyone likes to represent it."

...She tries to focus on the doll again. This time, she closes her eyes.

…

"O-ooh…" She wiggles a bit. "Oo~h. _That's_ what that is…"

Hmm? "What's that, yo?"

"Oh, just…" She shakes her head. "No-nothing."

Whenever someone says it's nothing, it's usually something. Freakin'...

…

London flickers bright orange, for a moment. "Oh- uhm…!" Maribel makes funny noises. "Aa~h, heheh…"

"Son." I address her. "What're you doin', son."

"Nothing!" She's more skittish than I'd like!

London flickers yellow, this time, and begins looking around aimlessly. After a moment, she turns towards the wall, moving away from Maribel, and starts firing at the wall, where the crook would be. Yellow danmaku pattered against the plywood…

"Well, as long as you don't break it…" I decide. May as well let Maribel work on her reality hacker skills, since that's probably what she's doing to London.

Promptly, London flashes grey twice, and begins to return to her original position.

"She's not an _it._ " Maribel declares. "Seriously."

...I blink. "Wat?"

"She's alive, I think." Maribel informs me. Moving up to London, she puts both hands on her sides. "She's got some… _things_ that only living humans have."

I wave it off. "Like a mana pool, possibly. Alice, the girl who made it, was pretty badass at making dolls and animated stuff."

...Maribel made a pensive face. "You might be right. Let's see~... there's _this_ -"

London flickered bright blue.

I point at the back door, where the big lug would be. "London, try your ice attack."

London aimed her lance at the door frame-

Kri-fwi-fwi-fwi-fwish…

A large icicle generated, and numerous smaller ones generated out from that one, floating in the air for a few moments before vanishing. Yo!

Maribel smiled. "And then there~'s… this one, I think."

London flickered red. Oo~h! I~... dunno what that means! I kinda assumed blue was for mana, and it apparently was.

Promptly, London broke from her position and flew out the back door. Oh.

"He- gaugh!" The big guy yelled! "Sto- sto- aah! Aaugh! Gugh- akh- ngh…"

Thud. _Oh_.

...I heard the sound of London repeatedly smacking against the back of the house. Maribel and me moved to the back door, and looked outside.

London was repeatedly jabbing her bloody lance into the back walling, slowly chipping through it. It seems that the big guy was _shish kabobed_.

"Oh- oh, oh, uhm…" Maribel held her hands over her mouth.

I turn to her, givin' her a _smirk_.

…

"Uhm…" She backs up a little. "I'm… not going to jail for this, am I?"

I shake my head. "S'only frontier justice out here, yo. Just, uh, don't tell anyone this happened. Also you may wanna reverse whatever you did to London, so that, u~h… yeah. Accidents will happen, yo."

...I mean, the guy was trying to break into this house. I don't think his death should mean much. Technically self-defense!

Maribel steps outside, puts her hand to London's back, and-

London flickers cyan.

Thud. She drops to the floor, unresponsive.

…

Slowly, it twists its head to look at me, before looking up into the sky. Maribel crouches over it, and puts her hand on it again. This time, London flickers yellow.

...Floating into the air, the doll begins to twirl in place, slowly bringing her lance up and down. Maribel grabs her-

London flickers white.

…

Slowly, London floats into the house. She stops to fire a stream of danmaku at that one robber I got really wet, since he was in the doorway now. "Uh~gh…!"

After he drops, London returns to its assigned position.

…

Maribel walks over to me, and puts a hand on my shoulder. U~h…

"Oh, nevermind…" She takes her hand off. "I forgot how complex some of those things were…"

"...As long as you don't give me brain damage, yo." Please do not test your elite hacker skills on my body. It is not ready.

...I could sworn there was one more robber. Maybe he pissed himself, and got out of here. He'd be the only smart guy out of the entire like, twelve assholes who tried to raid this four-room house.

...Stepping into the main room, I decide to get things moving! "Alright, London… follow me."

London drifts slightly from her station, since I was already pretty close to it.

"Let's get goin', yo." I gesture for Maribel to follow.

...She raises a brow. "Where?"

"Da~h…" Good question. "Somewhere. Actually, I know a place with good beds and good food, and we have a very minimal chance of getting homicided there." I think, anyway. Fairies are less tanky than retarded village robbers, at least. Also less greedy, depending on the circumstance.

"Oh, yeah…?" She begins to follow me!

We step out of the house, and into the main road…

The sun's high in the sky. It's _high noon_ , yo… and it's pretty mild out! People are walking along the road, cautiously minding the new laser shaft-shaped dent that stretched the entire length of it.

"Why didn't we go there earlier?" She questions.

"It's like a mile away." I tell 'er. "We woulda collapsed in the woods and gotten our limbs ripped off by little girls."

"...Oh." She nods, accepting that answer.

Now that we're out on the road again, I survey her onhand items! Maribel's holdin' her briefcase and her _plant hanger_. Yo ho ho… I assume she's got my 3DS in a pocket somewhere or something. Gotta remember to ask for that back!

We continue down the road towards the smashed open village gate. Some guards are standin' around it, keeping it secure. Four of 'em, 'cause y'know, the two that used to be there did such a good job with the closed-by-default gates. So much so, that this village probably woulda been equally safe if it had no freakin' walls to begin with! We have the worst walls!

...As we approach the smashed gate, we pass some interesting people!

"Alright, take care!"

Adjacent to us, Shinki waves to Yuuka, as the latter walks off to the smashed village gate ahead of us. These guys're still here?

...I'm gonna pretend we didn't see that! Also- wait for Yuuka to do her thing at the gate. I'd be lyin' if I said I wanted to have a conversation with her…

Shinki turned to us as we passed her, and Maribel stared at her. I tried to be inconspicuous, but freakin'... Maribel aggro'd her, yo.

"Hey." Shinki began trotting towards us.

There's no other way than down, baby! Turning to her, I wave. "Oh, hi."

"Hi." Maribel, despite staring at her, did not have an awesome plan to converse with her.

…

"Are you Yukari?" Shinki asked outright.

"I don't think so." Maribel replied to the best of her ability. "...I hope not." Wahaha!

Shinki snorted. "Amen. It was awfully rude of her to just strand all of us out here, earlier. Although, I got to explore the village a little…"

I grin. "How'd ya like it?"

She tilted her head back 'n' forth. "...Quaint. Not one for pleasantries, sometimes… but not as bad as I'm used to."

Pointing forward, Maribel eyes Yuuka. "...Who's your friend?"

Shinki smiles. "One of the most dangerous people in Gensokyo."

...Maribel slowly lowers her finger. "...What's that make _you?_ "

"One of the most dangerous people out of Gensokyo. I don't bite, though." Shinki waves her own statement off. "...Yuuka _does_."

We slowly continue towards the gate. The guards seem to have let Yuuka pass without a problem.

"What of you two?" Shinki asks us. "One of you is not Yukari, and the other…" She eyes me with calm eyes. "...looks foreign." Ho ho.

I nod. "Yeah- I'm fresh outta yuki-onna school, yo."

"You're not a snow woman, though…" Shinki immediately shoots the claim down. "Not only that, but your robes have a heat enchantment."

"You're right, yo." I agree with her. "I'm a snow _man!_ "

…

Shinki focuses on the path before us. "No one of importance, then?" Ho ho! I have adequately ruffled the dark god's jimmies!

Or so I thought, until Shinki reiterated her request. "Genuinely, however, tell me about yourselves."

...Maribel seems unsure how to proceed!

I point at Shinki. "You know what the outside world is?"

"Ah, the rest of Earth, you mean?" Shinki rose a brow. "Indeed. I've not paid a visit there since… I honestly cannot remember when. There were people with arrows, though, and they kept shooting them at me and yelling."

...Me and Maribel just stared at her.

"I've witnessed some of their recent technology, however." Shinki smiles. "Such utilitarian creations are truly human, are they not? Yet, there's something relaxed about such mundane things. If only they didn't break half the time."

We reach the guards!

Two guys, one with a bow and a sword, step out into our way.

"Ha~lt." A gangly lookin' dude with a bow holds up a hand. We hirin' nerds now, or somethin'? Runnin' outta burly dudes? "...Who're you?"

I hold up my own thin arm. "Dude!" Rollin' down my sleeve, I show him my forearm. "We're bone brothers!"

…

"Oka~y…" He gets out of the way. Wow.

The sword guy just gives him a stare, before looking us over. "...Why do ya want out?"

"We just want to explore." Maribel answers.

"...I was going home." Shinki tells him. "Though, I wouldn't need to go through here to do so, would I? Then, merely passing through."

"The villager chicks gave me gonorrhea." I inform him. "I want to tell my yuki-wife and yuki-kids I love them before I die."

He jerks his head back. "Goner- _what?_ " O~h, no~... "...Yeah, whatever, you guys are alright." Oh, cool.

With that, he begins to move outta the way. The other two guards ahead guarding the exterior take this cue to back up, as well.

Within moments, we were onto the Hakurei Shrine road!

...As we walk along, Shinki expectantly eyes us.

"Wow…" Maribel hugs herself. "It's… cold."

"Didja know _winter_ was a season?" I comment.

...Maribel just turns to me, deadpan.

"'Cause I didn't." Ho ho…!

"Ahem." Shinki clears her throat.

"Hi." I greet her again.

...She stares at me. "Hi."

I reply instantly. "Hi."

"...Hi." Her expression fell slightly.

"Do you like mice?" I guess.

Shinki pauses, as if actually pondering that. "...No?"

S'not love, son. Bad end.

Maribel decides to revive the conversation. "So, yeah, we're both from the outside world." ...She gestures to me idly. "I _think_ he is, anyway."

"We gotta a lotta _stuff_ out there, too!" I exclaim! "Like stones. And bowls!"

Maribel snorts, eying the surrounding foliage. "That… was awhile ago."

"Rampant crime." I bring it into the current year, yo. "Corrupt politicians. International pedophile sex rings. Trillions of dollars thrown around by stupid people…!"

Shinki giggled, bringing a hand up to her mouth. "I had a feeling something like that would happen. Seven billion people is too many, even for a globe."

...Who~ are _you?_

We are now passing the Hakurei Shrine. We should reach the lake soon!

...Speakin' a Shinki, she's tall. I know it's a bit late to be notin' that, but freakin'... yo.

"Well, it's not all _crime_." Giving me a strained stare, Maribel tries to redeem the outside. "We have some pretty sights." Pretty sights. _Good_. "Also, a _lot_ of things to do on the internet."

...Alright, she's got me there. Actually- "Doesn't Gensokyo got internet too?"

Eyes wide, Maribel jerks her head back. "Woah- it does!?"

My eyes widen, too! "Yeah, yo!"

"...I've considered internet." Shinki tilts her head back and forth. "...While a novel concept, I do not believe it would suit the needs of my realm."

Awh. No MakaiChan for the succubi, huh?

Maribel actually decides to argue that! "Wha- _really?_ I mean..."

Shinki smiles. "My reasoning is complicated. Perhaps a primitive form may find its way there, some day."

We are at the edge of the Misty Lake, yo. Maribel stares out into the water, briefly taken aback at there being water.

...It's also a pretty view, too, which I guess could have something to do with it. The way the mist clashes with the sun makes this place really atmospheric, in a good way!

To our right, there's a wolfman with a twig standing next to the water's edge. S'got a tiny string on it. He's doin' some fishing!

Cirno and some other fairies were flying over the waters, doing fancy maneuvers and things.

Shinki stared down at the water, and tilted her head. "...Oo~h, this lake. I think I've been here before…"

Maribel took a glance at her, before noticing the wolfman like thirty feet to our right.

It was at that moment the wolfman noticed us! "Oo~h, he~y! What've we got here…?"

He rose his string from the water- nice line there, don't even have much line to _cast_ \- and began walkin' towards us.

Shinki looked over at him, before smiling. "Oh, hello."

He stopped in his tracks.

"How are you, today?" Shinki made pleasant conversation.

…

After a hesitant moment, he just turned in the other direction and _ran_. Full sprint, just booked it on outta there! No change 'a expression, no 'oh shit', just… a whole lotta _nope_ , son.

"Hmhmhm…." Shinki chuckled. "Wasn't he just adorable? One of my maids had a pet Cerberus, once."

"What type of youkai are you?" Maribel questioned. "Just curious."

...Shinki tilted her head back and forth. "Eeh. Just... some darkness youkai."

Ahah, lemme burst your little _ruse_ right there. "You are the dark god of the netherrealm, here to steal our fluffles and turn them into potato-sized sneakers."

...She gave me a blank stare, before commenting on something else entirely of my sentence. "What was that about fluffles?"

Oo~h, this'll be good. "Tiny dust bunnies."

"They're curious." Shinki replied instantly. "Every time I _extinct_ them, they just keep coming back. It doesn't matter what I do- burning, electrocution, soul rending, soul stealing… they don't even _have_ souls, actually. I've tried to trace their leylines and mana connections, as they're some kind of golem, but they just go off in a weird direction far, far away. I tried flying there, but…" She sighed. "The abstract place I positioned my home is rather unfortunate for this sort of thing. Do you have any fluffles here?"

I nod. "Place is full 'a them. Like-"

Taking a step forward, I search the ground… actually…!

Runnin' forward to the sandy beach area of the lake, which was just like a hundred feet away, I start kicking the sand around!

...Slowly, the two girls follow me skeptically.

Eventually-

"help no my home!" A fluffle climbed out of a hole in the sand, using its fins to shift some of the sand back into place. "you messed it up why"

Shinki was immediately crouched next to the fluffle faster than I could see her move. "You."

"me" The fluffle looked at her. "oh its you"

...Shinki gave it a patient smile.

It climbed out of the sand, walked up to her, and leapt onto her face, giving it a hug.

…

Slowly, the fluffle burned away into some kinda black substance, which vaporized in the air. Oh, wow.

"Brad," I don't remember telling her my name, "get off the sand."

...Cautiously, I join Maribel a good hundred feet away from the sand.

…

So uh-

Fwoom! Fwoom! Fwoom!

Columns of sand shoot up from the beach, jerking high up into the air. So much so, that the sand layer of the ground ends, and rock and dirt gets unearthed. Holy _shit_.

...Fluffles slowly fell from all different heights along the towers; from the sands, from the dirt, and from the lower rocks. They seemed to have generated in the small pockets naturally there in the ground…

Fwiiii~sh. The sand loudly roared down from atop the columns, before Shinki slammed them back into place-

BOOM

...Terraforming is not _quiet_.

...A fluffle stumbled out of the newly settled sand, before flopping in front of Shinki. "friend why"

…

Shinki looked off in an awkward direction. "So _that's_ where it is. Wait…"

With that, she vanished completely.

…

"Oh." Maribel didn't know what to say about that. "...I think she's a little more than a darkness youkai."

I snort. "I told ya, yo, she's a freakin' dark god."

In the distance, behind Maribel's back, I see a line of black stretch into the sky.

Shinki was now on the beach again, holding a-a _thing_. What is _that?_

Thud. She drops a chunk of tan, white, and blue cloth into the sand. The white and blue bits are pastel and decal-esque, like the eyes of a fluffle.

"...That wasn't it." Shinki brought a hand to her chin. "Clever. Clever clever clever."

The fluffle looked up at her. "Waaa~l!"

"Yes, yes, I know…" She stepped back as the fluffle seemed to blindly rush her, throwing itself at her ankles. "I've upset your swarm. Shoo."

She punted the fluffle, and it ceased to exist.

…

Suddenly, the sand's surface was almost entirely eclipsed by fluffles that started generating in it!

"Waaa~l!"

"Waaaa~l!"

"Waa-waaa~l!"

Shinki darted into the air, and aimed a hand below herself-

FWOOM

Hot hot hot hot _hot!_ Too hot! Too bright! I can't even look at what she did…!

"Ngh…" Maribel covered her face with both arms, backing away.

…

After a few moments- and some eye readjusting- I focused on the sand…

There was no more beach, although the sand that held the water in place was still there, since fluffles did not generate into that and it's just _somehow_ sitting rigidly in place.

By 'no more beach' I mean there was a square shaped shaft in the lakeside now, that probably went down to the dirt layer. Fresh flames still flickered around the grassy edges where the beach used to be, but they began to die out unnaturally quickly.

"Really…" Shinki sighed.

"See what I mean?"

Yukari was now in the air next to Shinki.

"Yeah." Shinki nodded. "You seem to be dealing with them well enough, though. They've not tried any full-on assaults, have they?"

Yukari shrugs. "I wouldn't grace their attempts with a word like ' _assault_ ', but they may be unusually aggressive at times."

...Shinki just blinked. "Huh. I thought you had to deal with holy magic ones like I did."

Yukari promptly slid back into a gap, which shut almost instantly after.

"Wa-wait…" Shinki held out a hand, but Yukari seemed to ignore her. "...Oh, well."

Once that was all said and done, she drifted down to meet with us again. "I hope that wasn't too much of a bother."

Maribel shook her head. "Not at all, that was… amazing."

I held out my arms. "I got like, slow roasted."

She smirked at me. "...I suppose, with that robe, you would ironically be just as sensitive to additional external heat as a yuki-onna." Ho ho…!

With that, however, Shinki gave her goodbyes. "I think I'll visit my daughter, now, before heading back. It was a pleasure speaking with you."

"You too!" Maribel gives her a wave as Shinki begins walking away. "Bye~!"

"Don't be a stranger, yo." I give her a wave, too. Of all the super powered assholes I've met, she was actually pretty nice. Didn't try to blow my shit up, only antagonized me a _little_ bit, made conversation…

If only she actually lived in Gensokyo, and was not probably the Touhou equivalent of Satan. I mean, that don't mean she's evil, but that profession's kinda a hop, skip, and a jump away from a grasslands marauder like myself! Her _maids_ have pet _Cerberuses_. Cerberi? _Multiple Cerberi!_ That's like if I had like… two Meilings as a pet, or something. I don't think Cerberus was ever supposed to be plural…!

Oh, yeah, me and Maribel got on our way around the bottomless pit of doom Shinki made, and began progressin' towards the clearing that leads to the mansion…

"She was pretty nice for a dark god, all things considered." Maribel praised our friend…!

"Right?" I grinned. "Really, though, freakin'... you'll find two thirds of the superpowered asses are at least personable. Not necessarily humane or moral, mind ya, but personable. They won't see ya and start freakin' tearing your limbs off indiscriminately."

Maribel snorted. "Please. Does anyone even do that?"

O~h, yeah. "That wolfman we saw, some spider girls, u~h- a certain vampire on a bad day, probably some tengu, maybe a god or two- Yuuka, definitely her- certain breeds of fairy, fluffles on a bad fluff day, uh…" Now that I thought about it, pretty much anyone in Gensokyo worth mentioning could probably delimb you if they tried hard enough. "Actually, only certain breeds of fairy will do it _intentionally_. Oni, evil spirits, a~nd this one guy I know named Matt."

…

"Actually, scratch oni, you gotta give 'em good reason to beat you up." I decide!

Maribel's eyebrows were raised. "Well, when you put it like that, you make it sound like I just stepped into hell."

The mansion's gates are in sight! Soon I shall introduce Meiling to Not-Yukari! Also, fluffle stand antics…!

I grin. "Ah, no, Hell's probably worse. S'got _hell fairies_ , more hellish than normal fairies. The person who takes you there shows up here time to time, actually!"

Grinning back, Maribel shook her head. "Alright, alright, I've heard enough. I'll believe it when I see it."

...Shouldn't say that kinda stuff aloud, yo! People might take ya seriously!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 55

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY:

Youkai Inconveniencer - Semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but isn't particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Slight damage vulnerability when used, which has worn over time. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger's gained the ability to deal electrical and holy damage. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy...

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out what they are…

Toasty Yuki-onna Kimono - Best winter clothing twenty fifteen. Fifty percent ice and freezing resistance, but _negative_ fifty percent fire and burning resistance!

Sixty-five thousand, two hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have! I should do this for potions, too...

Seven Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think.

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I _really_ have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

Maribel Hearn, the University Student

WEAPON: Cast-Iron Plant Hanger - A sturdy plant hanger made of solid metal.

INVENTORY:

[Suitcase] - Holds her _stuff_. Gives five inventory spaces!

Little White LED - A lil lightbulb that _blinks…!_ Takes up an _entire fifth_ of the freakin' suitcase.

Things, Probably Paperwork - She's got all sorts of cool things, yo. None of them help in a survival situation, though…!

[one space remaining]

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

FREAKIN' TUROK 2 STEAM RELEASE SON

it's a good time; most would find it overwhelmingly tedious despite the awesome weapons, and the fact it's played better today than it has ever before

i recommend watching gameplay of it first for like an hour before getting it so you know what you're getting into; you can also play the N64 version on emulator if you want to torment yourself (also pretty sure you can download the old outdated PC version from the dinosaur era).

BUT ANYWAY ENOUGH OF THAT

aa~h, party shenanigans

feels awkward to write a party setting in first person in ways, despite having done it in shades before

dark god shinki is dark and a god

maribel will be a temporary party member for a little while! everyone say hi

speeler alert: renko's around somewhere

the scene with the TRINITY SPARK was pretty fun to write; felt my mojo flowin' there!

might wanna look it over myself at some point to make sure things make SENSE as a whole but it seems to be alright so far!

mariblel

...this chapter was also a bit longer than normal, 15 k words prior to the end filler; felt like it was justified 'cause action and i wanted to end it right

i find myself not having a lot to say about the actual content in the author's notes these days… though i'm sure it'd help if i actually did most of the chapter within three days instead of splaying it out over a week of work and frikery

although i don't think talking about my decision making process would really matter . w . ...mostly because it's mostly just a matter of keepin' things tasteful, not necessarily CONSCIOUS BOLD DECISIONS. s'a slice 'a life, yo, not a cuttin' edge… novel thing

though i do sneak in some of my ideological beliefs here or there 'cause y'know hi my name's brad- but seriously i do find it a lotta fun to just dick around like i do with this fic

as always, see you all next time!


	69. The Man with a DIY Railgun for a Head

(give me that funky fluff) (it's MATT TIME AGAIN FOLKS) (don't worry; it's just another two-times matt update; this happened once before and it only happens like once every three-four batches or something)

It is currently the dead of evening. It's pretty chilly in here, actually… though I'm not sure if that's the fault of the weather, or the situation at hand.

...Actually, I'm curious, now. How did the shrine's interior stay lit in the evening, sometimes? Probably some kind of magic.

Yuyuko and I sat kneeled before Reimu's kotatsu, denied access of its warmth as we sat probably about five feet away from it instead. I still have all my stuff, because we only just got here after Reimu both beat Yuyuko into submission, and whisked me away from the village.

Reimu sat atop her kotatsu with her legs crossed, probably half-floating to make it not tip over or collapse.

"Don't send me to the sex dungeon, Reimu," I humbly request, "I have friends and family."

Reimu's expression did not change. It wasn't a happy one.

"... _What,_ exactly…" Reimu gradually brought a hand up to her face. "...were you trying to do in the village? The both of you."

…

Yuyuko fidgets. "U-uhm… Reimu-chan, I can explain-"

"Don't call me that." Reimu interrupts her.

Yuyuko rolls her eyes. "Well, _Reimu_ , I… sensed something wrong."

Reimu snorts, giving a flat laugh. "Ah, haha. Yeah. I sensed something wrong, too. You, summoning death columns down the middle of the road."

Ignoring the vigorous amounts of sass being exuded by Reimu, Yuyuko simply continues. "In this man," she gestures to me, "I felt great death. And… a familiar darkness."

...Reimu just stares at her flatly. "If this ends in a pun about being hungry, I'm sealing you in a crystal for a week."

Yuyuko dropped her sheepish smile, taking on a solemn expression. "He carries a piece of the Saigyou Ayakashi. Not only that, but… he may be using it to his own ends."

"Because a piece of wood can do anything." I interject.

Reimu points her gohei at me. "Shush. Not your turn."

"You must destroy this fragment." Yuyuko states. "It will only lead to more people dying."

...Curious towards Yuyuko's serious demeanor, Reimu rose a brow. "...You're serious, aren't you?"

Yuyuko nodded.

"...You _really_ need to work on coming off more serious, then." Reimu sighed.

"I'm finding it slightly difficult to compose myself." Yuyuko also has well over fifty different seals slapped all over her form. She's also actually got _legs_ , now. "These seals are uncomfortable."

Reimu stood up, floating off of her kotatsu and landing on the floor before us. "You should've thought about that before you beat up the villagers."

Yuyuko pouted at that. "I-it wasn't my intention to-"

"Collateral _counts._ " Reimu cut her off. "You can't just… you get the point."

…

Yuyuko speaks up, again. "So, will you-"

"Yeah, yeah…" Reimu waves her off, before moving towards the kitchen. "Hold on. Oh, and…"

She drew three ofuda from her sleeves, and chucked them at all the doors with one toss.

Thu-thu-thunk. Shi~ng!

Reflective barriers encapsulated the doors.

"There. If you break a wall, I'll at least hear it." She proceeded into the kitchen to get a refreshment for herself, presumably. She also left the door open.

Thu-thunk. I hear ofuda slap against things in the kitchen. Following her would probably only end badly.

' _...Just a piece of wood, huh. Fancy phraseology from the ignoramus lodged in this quandary..._ '

Well, I've not got all day to sit here. If I take too long, Reimu will probably shove multiple gohei up my ass.

Yuyuko stared at me, her eyes wide.

…

"That is an uncomfortably long time to stare." Thirty seconds are thirty seconds too many.

"It's… conscious." Yuyuko looks down at my pocket, where Chaos Oath is.

Oh no. Yuyuko is being delusional, now. She thinks wood can talk.

...I think about rifling through my bag for those gun parts I bought the other day-

Reimu is back with a tray of tea, holding three cups. She casually walks over to the kotatsu, and sets it down.

Pleasantly surprised, Yuyuko smiles. "Oh, my… is that for us, Reimu?"

Standing upright, Reimu shook her head. "No. I'm going to need all of it to deal with you two."

...The ghost's smile becomes lopsided. "Ahah… you're so mea~n, Reimu~."

Reimu ignores her Youmu-treatment, sipping some of the tea as she sits down at the kotatsu.

…

After staring at me for a few moments, she spoke. "So, what's with this aura of evil you've got going on?"

"Probably touched a few too many cursed shit." I confess.

"No, no, you've got something dark on you. Powerful, too." She casually dismisses my claim.

"...Probably touched a few too many cursed shit." I reinforce the premise.

Reimu rolls her eyes. "Yuyuko literally _just_ told me you've got some kind of cursed tree twig on you."

"Cursed tree twigs aren't known for being very dangerous." I shake my head.

"Lemme see." She requests.

…

Reaching into my pocket, I take out Chaos Oath. I begin to step towards the kotatsu-

Reimu slides out from under it on a dime and stands up. "Woah, woah, woah. Where's that dark aura?"

I slouch. "I lost it."

...Reimu narrows her eyes, but doesn't say anything.

"It's hiding its power." Yuyuko pipes up from the floor, reminding us she did in fact exist. "Take the scissors, Reimu."

...Giving Yuyuko's weird behavior a curious stare, Reimu looks over me, then at my scissors.

…

"Give me a moment." She walks back to the kitchen door. Okay.

She proceeds through it, and makes a turn, going out of sight.

…

I look over at Yuyuko. "So, how's your day been?"

Yuyuko sighs. "Nn~gh."

Sounds good.

…

I am at an impasse. Should I do the smart thing, and get a head start on making something with the crap I bought… or should I try and see if the blessed scissors would let me screw with Yuyuko?

Being smart makes too much sense.

Taking out the blessed scissors, I begin to approach Yuyuko…

She looks up at me. "Those are holy, aren't they?"

" _No._ " I deny adamantly. "...No. They're _blessed_."

Yuyuko stares up at the ceiling, actually exasperated to some extent. I feel like I just achieved something.

Crouching next to Yuyuko, I begin looking where to give her a test poke with them…

She focuses on me again. "What… are you doing?"

"Science." I reach forward to poke her shoulder with the blessed scissors-

One of her hands clamps onto my arm within the blink of an eye. Her face is also closer, and she's smiling widely. "Just because I'm sealed… doesn't mean I'm as powerless as you think I am."

Kinky.

I try to move my arm, to little avail. Oh.

Thu-thud. She promptly pulls on it, and sends me sprawling besides her, all while she's still kneeling. That was an experience.

With that, Yuyuko returns to sitting on her legs normally, letting go of my arm.

…

Readjusting myself on the floor, I try to poke her back with the blessed scissors…

fwoom.

A small beam of dark blue energy juts up from the floor, piercing me. The only thing it does is send me rolling away from her, however.

Thu-thud. My limbs have a fierce one-on-one with the wooden floor.

Footsteps are heard from another room, and some door further into the shrine opens. "What's going on out there!?" Reimu shouts out at us.

"I'm being molested!" I yell back.

...Within moments Reimu is at the doorframe to the main room, a few portions of her dress covered in curious-looking seals.

…

After seeing that I was not becoming one with the walls, Reimu stormed off to presumably apply more of those seals.

"You should be more gentle." I give Yuyuko a suggestion.

Yuyuko doesn't bother to look at me, still sitting on her legs before the kotatsu and staring forward.

I'm having way more fun with this than I should be.

Alright, it's time to go through my bags…

Moving up to that kotatsu, I took Reimu's tea and put it on the floor, to make room for my crap. Then, I put my backpack on the table.

"Do you think you need a haircut yet?" I take out the hedge cutters and snip them at the air.

Snip snip.

...Yuyuko furrows her brows. "Aren't those Youmu's? I thought she threw those out the other day…"

"Yeah. Tried to kill me wit'em." I set them aside.

...Yuyuko just stares at them, not commenting on what I said Youmu did. She either doesn't believe me, or thinks Youmu was justified.

"Do you want 'em back?" I dig through my backpack for parts… "They might still have blood on them, though."

"Na~h." Yuyuko replied promptly, smiling carefree again. "I had Yukari get Youmu a new one. She's been trying to adjust to it, but I think she's got the hang of it."

Hmmm…

Suddenly, Reimu steps in through the kitchen doorframe, despite me not hearing her footsteps this time. A series of white and black charms were adorned to the hems of her skirt, arm sleeves, and on her legs. Large, yellow sheets of ofuda were slapped onto her back, and her shoulders.

"Oka~y…" She surveyed the room. She immediately looked down at the backpack, then at the hedge cutters. "...Why."

...I blink. "Why not?"

…

Taking a deep breath, she walks up to me. "The aura around you suddenly diminished, again. Who do you think you're fooling?"

"All this talk about auras… and I don't have a damn clue what it's about." Really, now.

"Just hand those scissor things over." Reimu holds her hand out before me, her other hand held hard around her gohei.

"No." I shake my head.

…

She just blinks. "...Yes."

"Okay." I nod.

…

…

"Well?" She stares at me dryly, now opening and closing her hand. "Do I have to beat it out of you?"

"That's too kinky for my tastes." I counter.

"Too bad." Reimu's glaring at me, now.

Well, I have no idea what to do here now. Taking out Chaos Oath, I hold it out for Reimu to hold.

...She brings her hand near it, but doesn't grab it fully. Instead, she rotates her hand around it, like one might the flames of a fireplace.

"It doesn't bite." I inform her.

Reimu just rolls her eyes.

Taking out a single ofuda, she began to slowly bring it closer to the scissors…

Once they got close enough, a curious, purple energy burned up the length of the ofuda, making it stop glowing after a moment.

...Reimu dropped the useless sheet of paper to the floor. "Aura or no aura, that's a pretty potent cursed item. Or object youkai. Those sometimes overlap…"

Drawing another ofuda, this time quicker, she tosses it at the scissors-

Zazap!

Light and dark electricity crackles in the air, the ofuda being ripped to shreds by the dark energy. My hand also hurts, now.

' _Is she going to keep doing this?..._ '

Probably.

Dryly, Reimu turns to Yuyuko…

Yuyuko's giving her a smarmy-yet-still-carefree smile.

"I guess this is more serious than I thought…" Backing away from me, Reimu drew three more ofuda. "Whatever it is, it'll run out of mana at some point. Wait..."

Quickly, Reimu ducks back into the kitchen. She returns not a second later with a second gohei. "Alright…"

Approaching me, she proceeds to use the two gohei as tongs to grab the scissors without handling them directly. Then, she sets them down on the kotatsu.

"Okay." She smiles. "Go wait in the kitchen. Don't think about using any doors, or you won't have fun. Also- don't touch the chairs, or the cabinets. Try to float over the low surfaces of cabinets and walls."

Ah, yes, floating, the skill I clearly possess.

"Well, if you teach me how to float." I smirk.

...Reimu rolls her eyes. "You don't know? Ah… whatever. Take big careful steps."

...I'm not sure that's how you float.

Grabbing my backpack, I begin to head towards the kitchen…

Reimu looks over at Yuyuko, and points a gohei at her. "You."

"Me." Yuyuko smiles.

"You can either join him in the kitchen, or get out. I'll yell at you more later; this might be a project." Reimu smacks Chaos Oath off the kotatsu with her other gohei, and watches it skid across the floor.

...Yuyuko stands up awkwardly, finding her footing as the seals on her body begin to glow brighter. "...I~'ll… watch over him. For your sake."

...Reimu blinks at her as she moves to follow me towards the kitchen.

Well, then.

I step into the kitchen's doorframe. Big steps, was it? I don't think that should matter; there's not even anything on the interior walls.

Taking a step inside, I-

An ofuda blinks out of invisibility, under my shoe. Fuck.

Fwam!

A small blast of holy energy erupts under me, making me do a quaint backflip. I land on my stomach surprisingly softly, but it was still slightly disorienting… "Mmgh…"

Yuyuko giggles. "Fufufu…!"

...I take a moment to get back onto my feet, and trudge over to the table.

Once Yuyuko's through the doorframe, the door slams shut on its own. Good.

...Time to make something before Chaos Oath gets tortured to boredom.

Plopping my backpack onto the table, I open it and splay some of the items inside across said table.

"Ooo~..." Yuyuko pulled a chair from the table, and sat down at it. "Stuff!"

Yes, stuff.

There was a knock at one of the doors that led outside.

Ignoring that- since the doors are probably booby trapped- I begin to consider my tools…

A rubber grip, twenty-six feet of wire, the barrel of an AK-47, a shrub, water scissors, and a single rubber glove. I also draw the bang gun from my bag.

There's another knock at the exterior door.

Yuyuko stares at my items, perplexed. "...I'm gonna guess what you wanna make."

"Sure." Gah, I need duct tape, still. Maybe Reimu has some crap in her cupboards, or some kind of paste. How else would these paper walls still stand?

I open a cupboard-

 _Fwam!_

A raw blast of holy energy is launched from inside it, sending me sprawling onto my back.

Thu-thud. _Ouch_. That actually hurt.

There's another knock at the exterior door.

Bam bam bam!

Someone _really_ wants in.

Eventually, the door opens anyway. "Really, could no one answer the door…?" Yukari steps inside, pouting.

Yuyuko looks over at her, surprised. "Ooh! Shouldn't you be at the concert…?"

Grinning, Yukari nodded. "Mmm. I came to pick you up, since you should _also_ be at the concert. Is Reimu done with you, for now?"

"Yeah." Yuyuko nods casually. "Let's go, go~!"

A gap opens under Yuyuko, and she falls inside. Reimu's chair is abducted along with her.

As the gap closes, a complex magical circle begins to form under Yukari…

She looks down, frowning. "...Now who taught Reimu how to do _that?_ "

 _Fwoas~h!_

A pillar of light erupts under her, enveloping her entirely. Once it's gone, she blinks a few times. "So _that's_ what she did. Ne~vermi~nd…" It should be noted the light pillar never so much as marked the ceiling, despite its flashiness.

I get up from the floor, only to find my limbs aching more than they normally would from taking a tumble. This… annoys me, somewhat. Not that I need to feel comfortable, anyway.

"So~..." Yukari claps her hands together. "How are things?"

"Could be _better._ " I give her the flattest of expressions.

She snorts. "...You're going to encounter someone interesting, soon."

"Does she want me dead?" If it's Yuuka, I'm just going to run. And probably die.

Smirking at me, Yukari clarifies. "Not that I know of, no. For now. You will find her interesting."

With that, dipped into a gap, which closed almost immediately after.

…

The kitchen door slid shut, Yukari's arm stretching from a tiny gap to close it.

 _Fwam!_ A random cupboard slams open, a blast of holy energy firing out at nothing. Good.

Ugh, why do my arms and legs feel even worse…?

I look over my arm-... oh. It seems that it has a faint, white aura to it. Same for some other spots along my body, and they're not necessarily persistent all of the time. These splotches of holy energy just seem to come and go…

It'll wear off eventually. Probably.

Anyway…

It is now time to construct the device.

...There has to be some sort of adhesive in these cupboards, tho-...

…

There are rolls of duct tape inside that cupboard that was blown open by Yukari slamming the door. Not one, not two, but what looks like thirty or so rolls of duct tape. Okay.

...I'll just take two, then.

Returning to the table, I look over my items once more…

This is gonna be such a hackjob.

First thing's first: I've got to modify the bang gun.

To do so, I fire it away from myself, letting the flag shoot out. Then, I grab onto the flag, and rip it from the shaft that juts out upon firing.

Ri~p.

Picking up my hedge cutters, I use it to gnaw at the plastic shaft… hmm. Actually, hold on…

Situating the hedge cutters at a ninety degree angle from the table's surface, I separate the blades, and stick the shaft between them. Like this, it gives me really good leverage to-

Clack!

The flag shaft came right off with a good press.

...I press the base of the shaft back into the fake gun.

Now, I have to make the gun a real ejection slot. Well… 'real' 'ejection' slot. I'm actually thinking of using that for loading ammo…

First- since it's on my mind- I roll up the flag I ripped off, and stuff it inside the barrel, so that it lines the inner walls.

Alright, now…

…

Picking up the hedge clippers… hmm. I need something for smashing. I place the hedge clippers back down; too bulky, for now.

Oh, I know…

...Taking one of Reimu's chairs, I slide it back against the counters. Then, I take the fake gun, and start smashing it against the corner of the chair's back. I strike the chair's edge with the surface of the gun I want the slot to be…

Bam! Bam! Bam!

Doing it caveman style, son. Spiders can spin webs…

Bam, bam, bam!

Frogs can leap great heights, fairies can fly and revive…

Bam, bam, bam!

Gap youkai… do whatever gap youkai do. Ghosts are dead.

Bam, bam, bam…!

And humans? We do _this_.

Ba-crack!

After abusing one of Reimu's kitchen chair thoroughly, I've managed to smash in the slot I wanted. Kinda. Actually…

Bam! Ba-crack! Ba-crack!

There. Now it's… big enough, I guess.

I shake the gun around to get the broken parts out. Good.

The flag inside was probably ripped a bit, but now I can cut the parts that aren't needed off. With the steel scissors, I snip the flag to be more precise.

...Alright, this bang gun is now how I want it, I think.

Picking up the AK-47 barrel, I bring it over to the bang gun's barrel. Unfortunately, the AK-47 barrel will not fit… I don't think, anyway.

Wait. Wa~it… they're _almost_ able to fit. Almost. Maybe if I just… push it in. Holding the two ends to each other, I- hrm, I've got to hold them steady…

...Flipping around the barrel, I note that it gets smaller near the part that would likely be the outermost portion of the AK. I try to slide that into the bang gun's barrel… and it works. Somewhat. Now I just need to… force it a little more.

Hn~gh. After a bit of exerting my weak arms- which that great considering this holy magic running through my body- I see some of the barrel inside the gun's pseudo-ejection slot.

...I play with the flag padding a bit to try and make things even between both barrels. Actually, there are those pieces I cut off. I place those in, and apply some duct tape to keep it in place.

Just to be safe, I tear loose some duct tape and wrap it around where the two barrels meet. Just in case…

No~w… to wrap wire around the gun. First, I wrap it around the bang gun's barrel, and let some of the wire sag at the side, so that I could use it for something else later. Once that's done, I wrap the rest of the wire in coils around the AK barrel that I've attached.

...Setting down my in-progress weapon and scanning the kitchen, I see that the shrine maiden has a primitive stovetop. I don't imagine she uses it much, but one cannot survive solely on village pre-made meals. Especially in this era, when most sold meals are simply ingredients for better recipes.

Time to check the cupboards near the stove. O~h, boy.

...I open the one to the right-

 _Fwam!_ I'm sent bowling to the floor on my back again, a blast of holy magic knocking me away.

My muscles are so weak that I feel like I'm recovering from a cold. Holy magic sucks.

...Inside the cupboard are various pots and things, small ones. Also, some glass bottles…

Getting back up, I take a bottle of what _looks_ like vegetable oil, and take it back to the gun. I need a cloth to spread it…

Hmm. It looks like Reimu has a bread box.

Walking over to the rather ornate-looking bread box in the corner of the kitchen, I slide the door open…

Instead of bread, there is a single fluffle with no limbs, lying on its back. "im a loaf"

...I seem to have acquired fluff loaf. Ech.

Popping open the vegetable oil, I pour some of it onto the fluffle's body.

"honhonhonh" It makes horrible noises.

Back at my weapon, I begin smearing the vegetable oil soaked fluffle across the weapon's barrel. "honhonhonh- honhonhonhonh" The fluffle makes demented noises, chuckling with increased frequency as I smear its loaf-like body across the weapon's barrel.

Now, I must apply the duct tape. These wires will not hold themselves in place. I place it in various places along the barrel's length. Additionally, I cut off any extra wire that will get in the way.

I run the wire back to the origin point that was near the gun's base, and tape the two loose ends together with a square piece of duct tape. Finally, I apply _more_ tape to the wire I just ran back across the gun.

Oh, yeah, my rubber grip's still here. Not like it'd run away. I duct tape that to the bottom of the barrel, so that I have somewhere to hold that isn't live wire.

...I think this is finished. Yes. I only need ammo, now… and to extract the lightning scissors from their hell. It needs to be iron ammo, too, or this thing will explode in my face and I will not have a fun time.

That's when a gap opens in the middle of the kitchen.

"Merry! You idiot- _Merry!_ "

A girl dashes though the gap, which promptly shuts the moment she's through.

"What…!?" She looks baffled by the shrine interior. "...Merry?"

She's got a round, rather quaint black hat and black dress on. Brown hair. I have no idea who she is.

...She looks around, her brows furrowing. "Me-Merry? Where…"

…

Eventually, she focuses on me, falling silent.

"Hey little girl." I greet her with the most serious of expressions. "Want some candy?"

…

Backing up, she frantically runs her hands through her pockets, before pulling out a pair of… _iron scissors_. "Wh-who are you!?"

"Xavier Abaddon Bloodworth." I smirk. "At your service."

…

…

The girl's fear changed to confusion. "...O~kay."

…

"Is this…" She hesitates, looking around some more. "Gensokyo?"

"Yes." I give her a prompt reply, telling the truth for once.

Now, ammo, ammo…

"gimme a snuggle friend" The fluffle reminds me that it is a nuisance.

...Taking the oil-soaked fluffbag, I walk over to a open cabinet, place it inside, and shut it.

The girl just watched, fascinated, but she didn't say anything.

Small, iron bits. Where exactly will I find small iron bits here?

...I phone a friend. "Would you happen to know where I might find small iron bits?"

…

The girl shakes her head. "No~...?"

Good.

…

Doesn't this shrine use nails?

Crouching down, I examine the floor…

Ah, yes, it does. I must literally rip up the floorboards to fuel my gun.

The shrine shakes, for some reason. I should probably hurry up.

...I don't feel _quite_ as weak as shit anymore, but I still feel like I'm recovering from a cold, or something. The holy energy seems to be wearing off…

Taking the hedge cutters… I begin to use them to pry at any loose-looking nails available.

Hn~gh… hn- oh, shit. It's tricky to keep the blade under the nail. It ended up slipping out on me.

Attempt two. Hn~gh… hn~gh-

Clack! The nail clattered onto the wood floor, now free from the board.

"What… are you doing?" The girl was somewhere between awed by her surroundings, and baffled by my actions.

"Stealing nails." I explain.

…

Nail number two...

"Why~?" She questions my purpose.

Hn~gh… hn~gh, this one's in here good. Hn-

Clack! There we go. Two nails. Going for a third for now, since I need to hurry up, I'm sure.

"I need 'em." I elaborate robustly.

...Clack! That's enough nails, I'm not sure if this thing I made will even fire. I place the nails into my backpack idly...

"Have you seen someone with a purple dress?" The girl tries to gently interrogate me.

"Is she also tall and busty? With a horrible personality?" Hardly paying attention to her, I take that shrub out of my backpack, the water scissors, and the single rubber glove. It's a pretty thick glove.

"...Nevermind." She seems to deflate.

"Able to make gaps?" I guess idly. Drawing my flame scissors, I bring them near the shrub…

"Ye-yes, that's her!" The girl yells out.

"I just described her, then." I finish. There's no one else she could be talking about.

...She just sighs. "Okay, thanks…"

I scratch the tiny shrub with the fire scissors, and it quietly begins to burn. Setting it down, I wait for it to become a tiny blaze before I hold the water scissors over it, letting it drizzle down onto the fire.

...The fire's not going out, but it hasn't spread onto the table, much.

Putting on the glove, I lift the burning shrub- quickly tossing it into the sink, which was thankfully some kind of marble.

Making sure the table is not burning- if only to stop Reimu from barging in here- I return to the sink.

The girl stands next to me, also looking into the sink. "I have no idea what's going on."

...I begin to see the violently crackling form of the electric scissors within the flames, as the wood burns away.

...Hesitating slightly, I reach down to grab the scissors with my gloved hand. Well, I suppose I'll find out if this kills me.

…

With an abrupt motion, I lift the scissors. Their crackling dies quickly, for some reason. Electricity is fun.

The girl backs away from me cautiously. Probably not a bad idea.

Briskly, I move back to my gun on the main table, and stick the scissors into the gun's slot-

Kra _krack!_

Bright orange particles flared out when I tried to insert the scissors, forcing me to flick my hand away and let the scissors clatter a foot aside the gun. The wires sparked and crackled slightly, glowing for a moment.

"Fuck- shit…!" I dart away from the gun, shaking my arm despite the minimal damage. This is a _good_ glove.

The girl winced. "...That's… are those scissors _electric?_ "

...I just give her a stare. "No."

"...That might also not be how you wire something." She added. "You really shouldn't play with electricity."

I should add some water, so that the next discharge doesn't fuck me up as hard. Here's hoping the water's _pure_.

Moving back to my water scissors, I take them and douse the barrel.

Okay…

This time, I use my gloved hand to pick the scissors up-

"Hey hey, the water's just going to make it worse…" The girl stands at a good distance. "I didn't come here to see a guy die tonight."

"You know what, here's an idea…" Both to save her eyes, maybe, and to get something out of her. "Why don't you look outside while I do this?"

...She begins to move for the door to the shrine's main room. "Fine."

As she opens the door, I put the scissors back into the gun-

Krack!

...Not as bad this time, for some reason. The wires are still humming and sparking… which is probably a terrible sign of things to come.

In conclusion, my new weapon is a pseudo-realistic toy gun with an AK-47 barrel jammed into its barrel. It's decorated in wires and duct tape to keep it from falling apart pathetically, and it hopefully will work with the active electricity flowing through it. If it didn't explode, that'd be even better.

I take a glance out the door the black-hatted girl opened.

Chaos Oath sat in the middle of the room, Reimu looking down at it with a hand over her chin. She looked over at the girl who opened the door.

"...Hi." Reimu narrowed her eyes. "Who're you?"

"U-uhm…" The girl clammed up, a little. "Renko. Renko Usami."

This causes Reimu to pause. "...Hu~h. You _sure_ I haven't met you before?"

"I don't _think_ I know you?" Renko slowly tilted her head.

...After a quiet moment, Reimu shook off her contemplation. "How'd you get in here? I've had the place under lockdown, tonight."

Renko stepped back. "Well… I'm not sure if you'd believe me, but uhm…" She looks around awkwardly. "I kinda got transported here by a gap. You- you deal with spirits and stuff, right?"

Reimu just slouches. "...Yeah, yeah. I know what you're talking about, actually." Looking back at Chaos Oath- and the kotatsu she apparently moved to the corner of the room- she began to move for the kitchen. "Let me… find somewhere safe to sit you down. I need to get my exorcism equipment, too."

Oh, boy.

Renko moves aside, to allow Reimu move to room. However, the shrine maiden stops abruptly, draws a spread of ofuda, and casts it into the main room.

Fwa-fwa-fwa-fwa-fwa-fwap. The room is now a minefield.

She draws _another_ series of ofuda, and casts them onto the floor. Fwa-fwa-fwa-fwa-fwa-fwap.

...The ofuda all shine brightly, and suddenly, it appears as if the entire floor is evenly covered with precisely placed ofuda, all of them having sizable squares of room between one another.

She has literally made her main room into minesweeper.

Moving into the kitchen, she holds her two gohei up defensively as she passes me, only sparing the weapon I made a brief glance.

"Come with me." She beckons Renko to follow her, which she does, quickly taking steps out of the mine-laden main room.

Within moments, Reimu and Renko are obscured by the door in the back of the kitchen.

I take this moment to load up my backpack with things, and put it on. It's a useful thing to keep around.

…

Little does she know, I am no slouch at minesweeper.

Moving into the main room, I hold out my new, deadly rifle like a stick. Time to do some minesweeping.

Moving into the room, I poke the first ofuda I see on the floor.

It dissolves, leaving a six behind. Apparently it really _is_ minesweeper...

...There are only six tiles around this ofuda, since it's along the wall. Good minesweeper.

Leaning forward, I poke the next ofuda with my rifle…

It flares up, and I back away from it-

 _Fwam!_ It unleashed a point blank holy blast, vaporizing into a four. Oo~h, so… detonating one mine doesn't just make the whole room go up in smoke. To compensate, most tiles seem to be either impossible or next to impossible. What fun.

…

I sprint inside, holding my rifle by the barrel grip and main grip. I begin to sprint along the length of the room-

Fwam! Fwa-fwam! Fwam! A bunch of tiles I stepped on begin exploding-

Woowoowoosh! One of the tiles turns into a big shuriken of light, which begins slowly following me.

Fwoa~sh! A few of the mines are those light pillar-esque attacks, but they take even more time to go off than the normal ones.

Random ofuda from the floor begin just outright floating up and flying at me, forcing me to try and duck through the oncoming barrages.

Fwa-fwap, fwap. I'm only marginally successful. The seals that do land on me don't do much, but I feel myself getting weaker again. Great.

After circling the room, unleashing multiple homing shurikens of doom, some randomly moving orbs of light, and homing ofuda barrages, I eventually contemplate getting Chaos Oath from the floor…

Coming up to it, I crouch and use my non-gloved hand to grab it, and stuff it into my pocket…

"Hey, _hey!_ " Reimu has returned, with just one gohei this time, her other arm filled with unlit candles and paper. Acting quickly, she crouches and drops the supplies on the floor, before standing and holding her gohei with both arms like a sword. "Put that _down!_ "

I aim my rifle at her. "Stop!"

She looks down at it. "...What's that even supposed to _be?_ A _gun?_ "

...I nod, slightly curving my lips. "Preferably, if it doesn't turn out to be a bomb."

Reimu snorts, scowling at it, then at me. "Shoot me, then. I dare you."

...That sounds like good reason to not shoot at you. If I had loaded ammo into this, anyway. Despite her display back in Hakugyokurou, I'm not really sure what to expect of her. I've got my sleek black scissors, so if I get outside, running should be easy…

I strafe in a circle, the mines nearest me all gone. Only half of the projectiles mauled me, although the shurikens were my main fear. Fortunately, both they and the mysteriously inactive light orbs faded.

Reimu steps forward, and all the remaining mines disappear. That's probably not as good of a thing as it seems.

"...There's really not much helping you, is there?" Reimu continues to scowl at me. "At this rate, you're just going to become a youkai. Since you're an outsider, that'd be fine and dandy if I felt I _couldn't_ prevent it…" Then, she grins. "But… honestly. You can't just go around, killing people just because you feel like it."

"Why not?"

...She seems to resist the urge to give me a dry expression. "It hurts people."

"Not really." I correct. "Not if they're already dead."

She continues, her face neutral again. "I mean the people they know- and afterlife is a thing here, you know."

…

"So? Get a taxi and see them, or something."

"Why do you hurt people?" Reimu begins strafing with her gohei raised… "Is this just your way of having fun? Do you not see what's wrong with it? Talk to me."

How redundant. "Why not?"

She sighs. "...You're never going to tell me."

I begin backing towards the front door…

"That's fine." Her face hardens. "I'll just beat it out of you, then."

…

…

Should I shoot at the door… or shoot _near_ her? Killing her would not mean good things, surely. That, and I'm not sure if she can just go super saiyan on me or something. She's still clad in those charms, too.

Reimu begins by simply marching towards me. I aim the gun at her in response, but she doesn't fear it, still moving to attack me.

Since that's the case, I simply use my free hand to draw Chaos Oath. "Don't move." I try intimidation, again, pointing the scissors at her.

She draws a triple spread of ofuda, and flings them at me.

Fwa-fwa-fwap. Holy _shit_ that hurts more than any of her other ofuda attacks…

The burning holy sensation makes me writhe in place. Reimu raises her gohei over her head, but I stick my electrically charged gun out to gently poke her in retribution. These sizzling wires better fucking do something.

The rifle pokes Reimu-

Zazap! "Aah!" She leaps back, jittering slightly. "Wh-what…!?"

I begin moving for the kitchen door, instead, since that room's a little more concise, and the doors are open. I'd rather not waste my only shot I may have with this thing- if any- on a _door_.

Stepping back, Reimu's eyes flare. Throwing her free arm out, she generates a huge spread of about eight or ten blue, translucent amulets. Upon seeing them, I break my defensive walk and outright sprint towards the kitchen door.

Fortunately, they're not fast. I make it inside and out of harm's way. Renko's just casually standing inside. "What's going on…?"

"The shrine maiden has gone berserk." I inform her. "We must move."

She just blinks. "...What?"

Not saying anything, I move for the door out of the kitchen-

Reimu whirls inside.

Before I can see her do anything, I run for the kitchen's exterior door, slam it open, and bolt.

/ / / / a SCENE BREAK so we have ONE this chapter / / / /

In the darkness of the evening, the stars let me make out the shrine yard vaguely.

Reimu roars out of the door behind me, darting past me entirely and into the air over the shrine yard.

Glowering down at me from above, she huffs. "If you can't bring yourself to see the good in people… then I'll bring you there myself!"

...I stare up at her. Also- I make sure my black scissors are in the same hand as Chaos Oath, because this is about to get crazy.

Immediately, she floats down from above, and lands before me. Instead of waiting, she runs towards me full sprint, and drops to a slide along the floor.

I use the black scissors to slide to the side as she nears, when she unleashes an upward kick that sends her soaring well into the air.

In an attempt to capitalize on her new momentum, I move forward towards her, only for her form to vanish entirely. She'll probably attack from behind, because people like to do that.

Turning around, I see her running at me with her gohei. I try to poke her stomach with the gun again, but she leaps into the air instead. Again, I use my sleek scissors to slide out of the way before her attack does any real damage.

"Cheap." She mutters. Then, she runs towards me again… something I sadly don't have a lot of tools to work with.

...She stops, reconsidering her options. Leaping back, she lands at the top of the shrine stairs, which are pretty far away. The leap she did was well over twenty feet in length.

"Permanent Barrier!" She holds her arms out. A small column of yellow light appears where she stands, glowing faintly in the evening.

...I need to do that thing I did with Yuyuko here. Turning around, I run for the kitchen.

Renko is standing in the door, but backs up as I near. Once I get inside, I manually start shoving her towards the door with my shoulders. "He-hey- what do you think you're- ah!"

...After a moment, however, I notice Reimu's not coming from the door I'm shoving Renko into.

Turning around, I see Reimu emerge from the shrine's main room, sprinting towards me with great speed.

"Hra~h!" Doing a spin as she closes the distance between us, she stops before me with a broad swing of her gohei.

 _Thwack!_

The little wooden stick sends me sliding into the opposite wall, my fall stopped by the wall itself. I'm still near the kitchen door, but I've gone from the left corner to the right corner after getting hit _once_. Yet another thing I will feel tomorrow morning…

I think I'll have to activate Chaos Oath… and it also seems Renko already ran outside of the shrine.

Bringing up Chaos Oath, I start channeling mana into it...

Reimu uses this moment to try and beat me to a pulp. Sliding up to me, she brings her gohei down overhead-

 _Thwack!_ Fuck! My _head!_

Tentacles flare out from Chaos Oath, as I feel my muscles painfully begin to pound again. The pain is somewhat offset by- ow ow, nevermind. Pain does not offset more pain, it simply fluctuated…

The tentacles latch onto Reimu's gohei as she tries to swing it wide at me. She bares her teeth at the appendages. "So it _was_ a youkai!"

Unlike last time, the tentacles don't try to molest me _as_ much, even if they still begin to run up my arm. The rest flare out at Reimu-

Thwa-thwack! She did a spin attack which vaporized two of the tentacles with simple physical damage.

Turning around, I begin running. With Chaos Oath active, I can slide without much fear of my balance getting absolutely destroyed, so I just start doing that-

"Divine Arts!" Reimu yells. "Sky-Conquering Wind God Kick!"

I whirl around as I slide backwards. Reimu slides along the floor after me, and kicks up again-

Thunk! Her sandalled foot slams into my torso, propelling me into the air.

She continues to slide up into the air after me, almost entirely upside down-

Thunk! Her legs glow as she delivers another kick to my ribs.

Thu-thu-thu- _thunk!_

There are enough kicks that her legs eventually glow bright enough to become a blur of white and red, sending me rocketing into the air over the hillside.

 _Bam!_

With her final kick, Reimu simply forward-flips upright, and lands on the grass atop the shrine's hill.

Houston… we have liftoff. I'm currently at the apex of my launch, well over the hillside, now. Below me is the Hakurei path, at the bottom of the hill.

...I'm also still high enough to see over the top of the shrine.

' _Abscond in the next minute. Or you'll die_.'

Yeah, I know.

...Within moments, I plummet to the forestry past the path-

 _Bam._

I ended up with my shoes embedded in the dirt. Also _ouch_.

Cutting power to Chaos Oath, cutting power to Chaos Oath…

 _There_.

...Unceremoniously, I flop forward out of the tiny indent I made, collapsing into the leaves.

The lightning scissors thud onto the dirt near me, having fallen out of my hackjob rifle.

…

…

"Get out here!" I hear Reimu yell into the woods.

…

Leaves rustle as she drifts somewhere overhead.

…

…

…

After a long while of inactivity, I start getting my ass off the floor… additionally, I use my gloved hand to grab onto the lightning scissors before they start an electrical fire. I'll just… hmm. I'll hold onto them, for now, if only because I don't want to flare up my gun and get instantly blown away for making light.

As such, my gun goes in my backpack, for now. If only I had three arms to hold everything.

Shambling back towards the main path, I eventually limp onto it…

Renko's standing there, looking awkward.

"He-hey…" I'm more tired than I thought.

Renko looked tired, herself. "...Gensokyo's a lot more violent than I expected it to be. I mean, I expected _murder_ , but I didn't expect brawls. I'm not sure if that's a cool thing or a bad thing."

"It's cool until it involves you…" I begin limping towards the human village. This will take awhile.

She chuckles. "Wo~w. Rude."

"Well, let's go." I beckon her. "We still didn't get to my white van yet."

...How was what I said rude?

/ / / / FAST TRAVEL / / / /

So… tired…

At first, the smashed village gate convinced me I was suffering sleep-deprived hallucinations. On closer inspection, the village gate was indeed gone altogether.

...Shambling up to the guards, I request access. "Need sleep."

The two frontmost guards look over at me. Renko's standing behind me, so they look her over, too.

"...No." One guard is pretty blunt about things.

The other nods after a moment. "...We~ll. No~."

"What happened to the gate…?" Renko could recognize the gate was absent despite not seeing the wall before. I'm sure the rubble clued her in.

"Blew up." I'm sure he's lying. What actually happened was that the gate was consumed by fluffles.

...Renko stared at him dryly. "How bad at your job can you be? I mean-... how did this even _happen?_ "

...The guard shrugged. "Laser."

His friend brought a hand to his own chin. "I~ wa~s… off duty~." Good.

Well. Four guards is a little too much to outright brutalize.

Despite my consideration, Renko tries to persuade them anyway. "We-well… we're friends of the… town."

...The two guards exchange glances.

"Like, we're on the council." Renko gives them a smile. "For wall control and maintenance."

The guard who was dead inside just stared at her.

"O~h, it's you~ guys…" His friend wistfully nodded… "Can you help me get fired? I~'m kinda just here… 'cause my pa~rents were like-"

Renko stares back dryly. "Can we go inside?"

"Su~re…" He moves out of the way. After a moment's hesitation, his friend does, too, and so do the guards behind them.

...They'll probably get fired, alright. I'm too tired to really care, though…

I shamble behind Renko as she moves inside, giving the guards a wave.

…

After we're well enough inside, she slows down to meet my pace, and looks at me. "What was _that?_ "

"Stupidity and negligence." Essentially.

Where to sleep? I don't really know. Knock on doors until we find an empty house. Actually… I should pay my favorite dullahan a visit. She's probably forgotten everything by now, and it's not like she'd turn down Renko.

"...Yeah." Renko nodded. "But- this village…"

We were walking in the middle of the road. It was a bit awkward, because there was a huge indent down the middle, as well.

Looking around at the dinky houses around us, Renko looked conflicted. "It's like we're in a third world country… and _this_ is supposed to be the land of fantasy?"

Are you saying a third world country is not a typical fantasy?

She looked up at the starry sky. "...We're still in Japan, though. The sky… it looks pretty nice, too. I guess I should reserve judgment for when the sun rises."

If you say so.

...We pass a house which has much shouting. Yellow, diamond-shaped danmaku flies out from the front door as robed men fall over each other trying to charge through it.

Renko and I look at it, but just pass by it. No comment.

…

After awhile, we reach the abandoned stages in the midst of the village. The concert seems to be over, but it looks like the village is saving the cleanup for the morning. There's only one stage left, though, so their cleanup time should be halved… discounting the huge laser-shaped indent in the floor, of course.

"What happened _here…?_ " Renko just shakes her head at the ruins of the other stage. "This is actually a little creepy…"

...I just give her a glance, continuing on. I take the road to my left of the square, where Sekibanki should be.

We make it to the house in question.

"You know where you're taking us, right…?" Renko seems to doubt my direction.

"Yes. No. I think so." Tired.

Moving up to the door, I flail my limbs against it. Thu-thud-thud.

…

Oh, I just realized my mask isn't on. Or, rather, should be on… since Sekibanki probably isn't going to be happy to see me either way.

Setting my rifle down, and reaching into my backpack, I dig for it. It takes awhile, but Sekibanki's also taking awhile.

Here we are. I quickly slip it on with one hand, and then lift the rifle.

…

Backing up, I give the door a weak kick. _Bam_.

…

"I don't think they'll appreciate that." Renko stated the obvious.

"You're right. They didn't the last time." Didn't I assault the back door, as well? That one at least is connected to her room…

Well, I'll just beat up this door a bit more…

Renko steps up besides me, and knocks. "Hello~!?"

That's actually good, she can yell louder than I can.

I begin throwing myself against the door. Thu-thu-thud.

"Hello~!?" Renko continues to yell. We're making a good band.

...After a few moments of door-related violence, I hear thudding on the other side.

I back up from the door, and make myself look proper. As proper as one can be when their suit is frayed and ripped into oblivion.

The door swings open. Sekibanki looks about as tired as I do, which is saying something. "Whahahaa~t…? What could you people even _want?_ "

"Love and nourishment." I monotone.

...Renko gives me a glance, before providing her own answer. "We, uhm, need a place to stay. You… know him, right?"

"No." Sekibanki sighs, hunching over in the doorway. "...The _one time_ my earmuffs fell off tonight. The _one time_."

"It's better than beating your door open again." I state.

"Aah- mrmh…" Sekibanki makes unintelligible noises as she retreats back into the house, leaving the door open.

…

Click. Her bedroom door, however, shuts moments later.

"See that?" I smirk at Renko, which she can definitely see when I have my mask on. "This town is friendly."

"What's with the mask?" She immediately questions me. "...Also, what did you mean by 'again'?"

...I just walk inside.

"Hey…" She follows me in. "Hey."

The interior of the house is dark. The candy bowl is empty. Life is sad.

I find a comfy spot in the corner of the room.

Renko grins for some reason. "Answer me..."

Well, if she _really_ wants to know… "Health insurance."

…

She takes a seat at the table holding the candy bowl, folding her arms.

…

Sleep comes quickly, because I am tired and half dead. Farewell, cruel world.

/ / / / DONT WORRY GOTCHU FAM / / / /

Sleeping in a corner sucks.

"N~gh…" Ow.

Ti~me to rise and shine…

My bones crack a bit as I get out of my ball in the corner. Yeah, that was good for me. Perfect, even.

Sekibanki and Renko are sitting at the table in the middle of the room.

"...I see." She nods in understanding of something I didn't hear.

Looking over at me, Sekibanki remarks. "Oh, he's awake."

Yeah, I'm awake.

...Both the girls give me a stare, before returning their gazes to the candy bowl in the middle of the table.

"Anyway." Sekibanki looks back up at Renko. "Thanks for helping with the groceries."

"Aah… thank you, for actually telling me some things." Renko smiled at her. "He's been… less than helpful, but he took me to the village."

I could have slit your throat at any time, if you weren't Yukari's pet.

...Getting the _edge_ on helps to alleviate my aching _everything_.

"Yeah." Sekibanki gets up. "That's one way to describe him."

I smirk under my mask- which is not on at the moment. Someone unmasked me in my slumber. I've been violated.

"Don't give me that look." Sekibanki moves over to the door, and opens it up. "I have things to do, so I'll be kicking you both out. Sorry, Renko."

"It's no problem, really." Renko stands up, herself.

...I notice the candy bowl is full. "Yeah… I guess I'll just go."

As I begin to walk across the room, I near the table…

My hand darts into the bowl-

-and I bring it back to see orange danmaku whiz past where my hand was.

"...Thought you were going to take the whole bowl again." Sekibanki's glaring at me.

I smile. "Don't worry, I've changed my ways."

…

Slowly, I bring my hand to the bowl and try to lift it with just one hand.

/ / / / WAHAHA / / / /

Renko and I are now out on the road. At least we have _some_ candy.

"Really, now…" Renko was giving me a chiding stare. "You don't really get along with people, do you?"

"They don't get along with me." I rebuke.

...She doesn't respond, instead taking the moment to look around a little.

I am going to need a new mask, and a new suit. I'm sure my last one will no longer work for hiding my identity, and this suit… we don't talk about this suit.

Also, I've long since stuffed my gun into my backpack, for the time being. I'm still holding the lightning scissors with my gloved hand, which could have been unfortunate last night. Well, I'm not dead, so it doesn't matter.

"We will visit the clothing store." I make my intent known. The sun is high in the sky, which means free deals.

"...Alright." Renko casually agrees to tag along with me.

With that, we begin our quest to find me a new suit. The village road is semi-populated, but nothing out of the ordinary.

The sky is clear, the temperature is only slightly chilly, and… the day is overwhelmingly average. Weather's fun like that.

Is there even anyone here today who'd want to molest me? Hmm.

Quickly, we close in on the unassuming storefront…

I swing open the door, and a little bell rings. So many shelves of unholy, neon-colored everything.

"Woa~h…" Renko looks equally overwhelmed on entry. "You do your shopping _here?_ And you _still_ found something in black?"

"I don't shop." I inform her. Also, this place _does_ have things in neon black, ironically enough.

The pink-haired clerk looks up from her desk at us. Between the desk at the back of the shop, and the door at the front of the shop, there's only a thin aisle with which we can see one another. "Oh, he~y. What's up?"

"Peaches." I state. "Too many peaches."

Renko and I step deeper into the rainbow-themed nightmare.

As I survey the rows of clothes, and cluttered racks, I see other people in this store. One's someone particularly chunky, and the other person is particularly tall… and looks fairly inhuman.

"How much dust does this place collect?" Renko wonders aloud.

"Wh- hey." The woman at the counter snaps her fingers. "Bitch. Just 'cuz you're wearing some hip shit, doesn't mean you get to _talk_ shit. 'Kay?"

...Renko just stares at her, her eyebrows raised.

There are people worse than me in this world… and we're standing right in front of one of them.

A throaty cackle comes from the tall _thing_ to our right. From here, it looks like a lamp with lilac hair and a _really_ long, black tube around it.

The tubby person turns around, revealing itself to just be a really big woman. "Eeh- hey, I thought you said you stocked extra large…" She began moving towards the counter, which looked like quite a project...

The pink-haired clerk shook her head. "Well, we _do_ … just not _your_ size."

...After a moment, the tubby girl slammed her arms on the counter-

 _Thud_. By tubby, we're talking the width of about five men. I'm not sure how she got into the shop, to be honest.

"Wh- uuh… I'm gonna talk t'your _manager!_ "

The girl just rolled her eyes. "I _am_ the manager, honey."

"Whaht!?" She slammed her arms on the counter again-

 _Thud._ The good thing about being a big person is that you could probably punch out a wolfman by flailing wildly.

" _Please…_ " The _thing_ with lilac hair spoke. It had the voice of a girl, but it was considerably raspy. "Calm yourself."

As it turned around, I saw that the short lilac hair did indeed have an actual head beneath it. Her face was locked in a very smarmy smirk, her equally lilac eyes narrow.

I should find my new suit in the confusion. Maybe I'll go for navy blue this time… to change things up a bit.

As I move into the shelves to sort through the technicolor nonsense, Renko follows behind me…

"Geez." She dryly takes a glance back in the direction of the noisy freakshow.

Let's see… I should take a new mask, while I'm here, too.

It doesn't take too long to find the suits. Aah, yes, lime green. Only the best suit color. Or, how about neon red? Hot pink's pretty good, too. Shine like the north star in the night. No youkai would want to bother you.

There's a neon black suit here, which still looks like it outright eats the light around it. As fun as that would be, I'm pretty sure youkai hunters would firebomb me from above. Like Marisa or Reimu.

The black one is gone, because I'm wearing it. I happened to have ruined it, too.

There _is_ a decent navy blue one, though.

…

I start taking off my black suit on the spot.

Renko blinks. "...U~hm. Can't you find a changing room?"

In this store? Well, there might be one, but with racks these big, every aisle might as well be one. "Turn around, close your eyes, and pray to the god you prefer."

She snorts. "Yeah, no thanks."

After pulling off everything, I hang the torn up, mud-stained, grass-stained suit on the wall with the others.

"Debt repaid." I have returned it in mint condition.

Renko grins. "Really…"

Taking the navy blue suit off the wall- and setting my lightning scissors on a nearby rack- I take my time putting it on, to make sure everything's right. Suits aren't particularly easy to just throw on and off. They've got a myriad of inconvenient components to them.

I make sure to remember the tie, too. I took a nice, blue one from nearby and put it on with a windsor knot.

Nearby, there are also fedoras. Ignoring the neon rainbow ones, I take a black one, and throw it on.

Renko snorts, and grins again. "A fedora? Really?"

...I don't want to hear that from someone with _that_ hat on.

I tip it towards her. "M'lady."

She just chuckles. "Pffft…"

Now, for a new mask, if only for the sake of giving myself a new midlife identity crisis.

The masks seem to be… on the other side of the store. Preparing to move, I pick up my lightning scissors again.

I begin to stroll over there, passing through the middle aisle. As I do, I catch a glimpse of the circus.

There was the light clattering of clothing racks falling over, as the tubby person had apparently engaged the walking almost-lamp in a duel.

" _Eungh!_ " The tubby person loudly fell backwards into a rack of trenchcoats. "Aagh…"

The lamp person was no longer in lamp form. With her cloak spread, she revealed regal attire within, and a long, seven foot tall yet slender frame.

"Hehehe~!" As she let out a raspy giggle, I could see the long fangs in her mouth. Huh. Apparently Gensokyo has more vampires than just the two lolis. Her eyes were also glowing brightly in the dim shop.

"Hey, hey, no fighting!" The shopkeeper held out her gatling crossbow. "Cool it, bitch!"

"Huahehehe~..." The vampiress giggled, floating into the air, before she bumped her head on the ceiling. "Engh…"

...This shop doesn't have a very high ceiling. She's also seven feet tall, so there's not much room to do funky vampire nonsense.

Well, if she's not gonna be a problem, I'll just go get that mask…

Renko doesn't comment on the madness, but glances at is as she follows behind me.

We reach the rack of masks…

Hmm. There is a yukkuri Reimu mask here. For what reason?

My eyes stop when I see a white mask. It has the appearance of the happy one of the two masks commonly used to represent drama, or theater, except completely smooth with no nose. And with sharp, curved eyes and mouth.

...I slip off my hat for a moment to don my new mask, before placing it back on top.

"...Really gearing up, aren't you?" Renko just gives me a vain stare.

"I'm switching from Obamacare to Trumpcare." I informed her.

...She furrowed her brows. "What?"

"New health insurance." I clarified.

She rolled her eyes. "Oh."

Well, that's all we came for, and Renko doesn't seem interested in anything. Time to ditch this lemonade stand.

Moving into the middle aisle, we're promptly spotted by the vampire.

She holds up a gloved hand. "You two! You have seen nothing of this endeavor!"

"Look- we don't want trouble…" Renko reached into one of her pockets, slipping behind me as if I were a meatshield. "We don't care."

The vampire girl's eyes flare. "Fuh…!? No care? Does my mere _presence_ not disturb those of _mortal_ flesh!?"

I give her the middle finger.

She recoils as if shot. " _Mortal!_ "

Promptly, she hover forward, holding her two gloved hands high in the air and her mouth open as she approaches. Before I can slip my gun out with my free arm, Renko slips out a pair of scissors, and bangs it against the metal protrusion of one of the clothes racks.

fwua~sh…

A soft noise is made as light fills the entire shop, blinding me. "Ngh…" I shut my eyes, but the light doesn't fade, my retinas slightly burning from the constant intensity.

"Wa- _Waaoh!?_ "

When my vision returns, I see the vampire girl rocking her body back and forth, swinging her head around and clutching it with both hands. "Ngh- rgh- hngh- ngh- rgh…"

"I can't see! I can't see!" The tubby person breaks more racks by spinning in place inconsistently.

"Damn…" The pink-haired clerk is holding her arm over her eyes. "Stupid youkai _bitch_ …"

Whelp, time to book it.

"Let us go." I move.

Renko nods quickly, trailing behind me as I move past her and rush out the door.

/ / / / THESE CASTLE WALLS ARE CALLING OUT MY NAME / / / /

We are now on the road, again.

"So that's what that does…" Renko looks down at her scissors.

They're clunky-looking, as if they're made from charred rock. Lines of what looks like molten energy run along the sides, but they're not burning her.

"Where'd you get those?" I slowly lean closer to look at them better…

"Village shops." Renko jerked it away from me, and pocketed it, as if I were to try to steal it. Maybe I would. "Seki wanted me to get something to protect myself with."

Is that so…

"They're called the Sunfire Scissors." Renko revealed. "They blind things. Sun elemental, whatever that means. They do more damage to naturally blind things for some reason."

"...Didn't you just say 'so that's what they do'?" I question her as we continue towards the village square…

"Well, I never actually _used_ them. I just was told how to use them." She clarified. "I just want to know why this ability was given to a pair of _scissors_."

"Stranger things exist here." Like scissors that _leak_. Pretty sure my backpack is still leaking everywhere I go. The moment Reimu figures that out, I'm gonna end up eating shit.

There's something overhead. Looking up, I notice what it is more accurately…

Marisa, riding her broom, looking down on the village. I don't think Reimu or her know about the mask thing, so I should be fine.

...To my expectations, Marisa just hovers overhead and doesn't come down to engage.

If I see Reimu, she'll probably just know who I am on sight, because she cheats.

In any case, we close in on the village square. Guards are standing around the edges, for some reason, with bows. They don't seem to be interacting much with people, though.

"What shop did you get those scissors from, anyway…?" I ask Renko.

"I could take you to it." Renko provides.

She moves forward towards the stall she and Sekibanki shopped at earlier…

The stall is purple, violet, and yellow. The sign on top has a gear-shaped pattern, while the wood itself is colored, instead of just being decaled like most other stands.

Standing at the stand was a woman with a long cape, purple skirt, and hair that made it look like she had fluffy animal ears, almost. She also had a pair of headphones on.

Across her waist was a thin sword, the scabbard decorated with gold and black.

She's quite fashionable.

We walk up to the stand.

"Oh, hello." She smiles at Renko as she approaches. "What brings you here, again?"

Renko gestured to me with her thumb. "He wanted to take a look around."

I give the fashionable woman a once-over. "Intriguing."

...It was now her turn to give me a once-over. She pauses abruptly when she reaches my torso. "Oh, my…"

...I spend a moment staring at her, as she stares at my torso. Then, she meets my eyes again. "You like your cursed armaments, don't you?"

"Yeah. It gives extra style points." I nod.

She reinforces her smile. "I see. Has anyone else in the human village asked you about it?"

"Nope." I tell her. "Not a soul."

She raises a brow. "Also, forgive me for asking, as I can usually tell… but are you a youkai?"

"No." I shake my head.

...After a moment of hesitation, she nods. "Alright. Sorry again. In any case…" She steps to the side, revealing the wall behind herself. "What would you like to buy?"

"Are your hair-ears for sale?" I question.

"No." She answers bluntly. Oh no.

On the back wall, there are eight slots in the wall, one of which is empty.

"A friend of mine has come up short on personal funds… so I thought it fit I sell some rather unimportant treasures to help her out." She provides.

The seven objects all seem to be sun-themed, in some way… there's a bright orange ring, a yellow tower hat thing, a yellow _racecar helmet_ , two yellow fans with an orange sun depicted on each, a small block of wood with some curvy orange knives stuck to it, a bright orange _plant hanger_ , and finally, a sun-shaped badge.

"What _is_ this stuff…?" I question.

The woman gestures to everything in explanation. "The sun ring provides twenty-five percent sun resistance, and slightly boosts attack and magic attack during the day." Sun resistance, good.

She gestures to the yellow tower hat thing. "Twenty-five percent sun resistance. Randomly casts Sunfire Flare when equipped." ...If it's what Renko's dagger does, that might not be a good thing.

Then, she gestures to the yellow _racecar helmet_. "Fifty percent sun resistance. Provides immunity to blinding, electrical stunning, and being frozen. Also gives resistance to getting sunburns."

Next up was the two yellow fans. "Fifty percent sun resistance. Allows the user to cast Solar Flare, a move which decreases accuracy. Randomly casts Sunfire Flare. Boosts the power of sun attacks." Hmm.

...The woman leans under her counter and grabs a glass of water. After she drinks some of it, she moves onto the knives stuck in the wood. "Boosts the power of sun elemental attacks. Casts Sunfire Flare on impact with surfaces." ...That's rather limited compared to the other items.

She gestures to the _plant hanger_. "Boosts the power of sun attacks. Casts Sunfire Flare on impact with surfaces." Another rather regular equip.

Finally, she gestures to the sun badge. "Fifteen percent sun resistance. Replaces on-impact effect of all weapons with Sunfire Flare when worn. Fifty percent resistance to blinding and electrical stunning."

Wow. That was a whole lot of exposition for a whole lot of nothing.

"How much does the cheapest thing cost?" I question.

...She shrugs. "I mostly let people name their own prices, then I name mine, and then we barter."

"A hundred yen." I proceed to do the bartering.

She gestures to the sun badge, smiling. "Two thousand yen."

"I will pay…" I begin. "Twenty thousand yen, for _you_."

...She raises a brow. "For me?"

I nod. "For you."

"Sorry~." She waves a hand at me. "I'm not looking for a relationship, right now."

...Reaching into my pocket, I take out Chaos Oath-

One of the woman's hands immediately rests on the hilt of her sword.

-and I place it on the table. "How much for this?"

...Her smile is more forced, now. "I'm sorry. I don't accept _living youkai_."

"What a shame." I grab the scissors, and slowly put them away…

What did I come here for again?

"Will you be buying?" The woman asks, folding her hands together…

I shake my head. "Nah. See ya."

With that, I walk away from the stand.

Renko follows behind me, turning to the woman to give her an awkward wave. "Hey- uh, bye!"

"Farewell!" The fluffy-haired individual waved to us as we walked away.

…

Once we were away enough, Renko rushed up to my side. "What was the point of even going there, if you weren't going to buy anything?"

I shrugged. "Just wanted to see where you got those scissors from."

...At that, Renko allowed herself to lag behind a bit.

...As we pass by the Golden Grin, I look over at it. Hmm…

I point at it. "We shall go there."

Renko looked it over… "Woa~h. The tall building? Well, it's not a tall building, but it's taller than the others here…"

Walking up to the building, I note that there's not much of a line to get in, today. Well, it _is_ midday.

The bunny girls outside get in the way of the door. The leftmost one smiles at me. "Your ca~rd?"

...Oh. Oh no.

Renko walks up beside me. "...I'm not sure if I want to go in here."

The bunny girls look at Renko, and promptly get out of the way. "Right this way, mistress!"

Renko winces. "Eu~h… okay."

...She gestures for me to follow her, and the rabbits allow us both to walk inside. I suppose Yukari gave Renko special access.

We wander inside the club…

Immediately, I'm greeted by the sound of slot machines and socialization.

Some guys in the table to our right talk. "So then I told 'em… that's not a ring 'a revival! That's a ring 'a instant _death!_ "

"Hahaha- oh wow…"

"What happened then?"

...The first guy nods solemnly. "He died."

Good.

To our left, a myriad of maids who worked the floor were seated at an oversized booth, drinking and talking.

"Namamono~cha~n…"

"He-hey, maybe you should lay off the- kyaa~h!"

"Hehahaha~!"

Not very coherent talking.

"Wanna join, Renko?" I turn to her.

"Ahah…" She looks away. "Not really…"

...The floor beneath us- the only section of white, tiled floor in the whole casino- begins to shift, and rise…

"Wo-woah…" Renko looks around, surprised. "...Huh."

Well. This is awkward.

We slowly rise off the club floor, floating upwards. The platform passes the second floor, and begins to move at a gradual tilt.

...Looking up, I see where it's heading.

The platform rests once it secures a connection to the top floor's balcony.

Yukari sits before us at a decorated table, holding a cup of tea.

"...Spot of tea?" Yukari winks at us.

I contemplate the pros and cons of jumping off right now.

...Stepping forward, Renko gapes. "...Me-Merry?"

Yukari waves at her. "Hello~!"

Renko stumbles forward towards the tea table. "Wh-what happened to you?"

Yukari tilts her head slightly. "Oh? Whatever do you mean?"

"You're so- so…" Renko holds out her hands. "Big!"

Big, huh? "She hit puberty."

…

Renko just slowly twists her neck to look at me.

"Who is this 'Merry' you speak of?" Yukari gives a wry smile, setting her teacup down. "I can't say I've heard anyone by that name, either…"

...Renko blinks. "But… you look just like-"

I once again consider jumping off the balcony.

"Please, sit down…" Yukari gestures to the two seats before us. "Even the serial killer, he's fine too."

I tip my fedora towards her. "Many thanks, m'lady."

...Yukari just looks to her side. "...Fufu. Fedora…"

Renko snorted as she sat down at the fancy table. "I know, right…?"

...I take a seat at the table, as well. "At least it isn't a trilby."

...Yukari takes a moment to pour the both of us some tea.

"So…" She leans onto the table, propping herself up with both of her elbows. "Day one impressions of Gensokyo?"

...Renko moves her head away from Yukari's gaze, slightly, but answers. "...Okay, I guess. Like a third world country."

"Fufufu~!" Yukari's delighted by the answer. "Oo~h, at times, very much so."

...I'm not sure what world country this is. Fourth world.

"Well, I hope you _do_ enjoy your stay herein." Yukari gives a quaint nod, before sipping her tea. "...Heaven knows cloak-and-dagger over here does."

"Yeah. I get to put patented Innocents' Blood condiments on all my meals for a nutritious, balanced meal for free." I jest.

...With that, Yukari began to yawn. "Ha~h… it's a bit late, isn't it?"

It's the middle of day.

...Renko lampshaded this as well. "It's noon?"

"No, no I mean…" She leaned back in her chair a bit. "Aa~h, how unfortunate… are any of you aware of the fourth wall?"

...Renko blinks.

I blink.

Yukari claps her hands. "Alright. So none of you will know what I mean when I say the chapter's over."

...What is this chapt-

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

END OF CHAPTER 55.5

PROTAGONIST: Matthew, the Debatably Sane Outsider, Lord of Edges, Scissor-Slinging Slasher, Insurance Fraud Expert, Used Goods Reseller, Evil Spirit Cultivator, Shrine Maiden Evader

PRIMARY WEAPON: Chaos Oath - Forged from the bark of the Saigyou Ayakashi, and bent to shape by a masterful magician well versed in the material arts… it's a pair of wooden scissors. Produces low whistles and howls. Channeling mana into it gives user an immense physical boost, but it seems to come at a price… And it seems to be haunted by something that wants me dead.

OFFHAND ITEMS: [A Single Rubber Glove] - For those moments one needs to touch a live power wire with one hand and fap with the other.

Electrical Scissors - Must be held by gloves at all times, lest they cause electrical fires. Can cause severe shocking and electricity-induced stunning in individuals susceptible, including myself if I'm stupid. Unable to be turned off.

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - Takes up no inventory space, because it is the inventory space. Has nine slots, and is easily accessible.

Steel Scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Quick Scissorang - Non-elemental scissors that are enchanted to return to the owner with ferocity. Not that powerful of a weapon, but combined with strong string it can be used like a powerful grappling hook. Looks like it belongs in a Barbie catalog.

Flame Scissors - Fire-elemental scissors that have an incendiary effect on strike. Boosts fire magic and abilities, as if I had any. Enchanted to grant 20% fire resistance, and reduce discomfort near fire.

Dash Scissors - Succubus training tool. Allows for horizontal quick-dashes, for dodging and agility purposes. Doubles as scissors for kinky, cloth-cutting occasions. Or stabbing. Sleek, black design.

Blessed Steel Scissors - Stained lightly with fresh blood from a young human female. Sharp, shiny-ish, and to the point! Also blessed...

Steel-alloy String - An experimental item provided by Alice as part of her testing. She uses these herself to manage her dolls, or so I'm told.

A Tuft of Cloth Strings - Pink, regular cotton string. It's soft, and clean.

(two more spaces remaining)

[Backpack] - Allows extended inventory, of twenty slots. Can hold larger items, but it takes longer to pull them out. Items inside are safer. It's also baby barf green.

Hedge Cutters - Rusty lawn pruning tool used by farmers to keep the vile hedges at bay. They're also sharp, so they've probably been used more than once in self-defense.

Dense Shard - A cloudy, very light grey shard. It's not a rock, however… it's too textureless. Perhaps usable as a reagent.

Teal Stone - Cool and refreshing to hold, exuding power of the wind. It's sort of shiny, too. Perhaps usable as a reagent.

Hackjob Rifle - A pseudo-railgun, made from an AK-47 barrel and a mangled toy gun. Laced with duct tape and wires to function, powered by electrical scissors, and uses small iron pellets as ammunition. Explodes violently if fed anything non-iron as ammo. Outside is coated with vegetable oil and must be wetted regularly to avoid violence upon powering up. Has yet to be fired, so power is unknown...

Water Scissors - Scissors that continuously produce water. How troublesome. 

Goldfish Snack Crackers - They're smiling. They might make a good snack...

Modern-ish Surge Protector - Protects against surges. Not very useful without unified electrical practices in housing. Can still be used as a paperweight and a brick, though.

(thirteen more spaces remaining)

/ / / /

PARTY:

Renko Usami, the University Student

WEAPON: Sunfire Scissors - Casts Sunfire Flare on impact. Boosts the power of Sun elemental attacks.

INVENTORY:

Steel Scissors - What was she doing with these? Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Unknown - She can't be holding too much else, with those pockets of hers. No inventory used, obviously; this is simply me speculating.

(two more spaces remaining)

/ / / /

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

hello hello

guess what yo, i'm not DEAD, just had COLLEGE and took like a week to reproof all this stuff after the writing was said and done; just to catch up on work and life and games and things

on that note i'd like to know what you all think of this latest batch of chapters, excluding the fact there was two matt chapters (as per the 'one matt for every three brads' agreement me and matt had awhile back) this batch

100% Orange Juice is a fun game, even if it's so RNG that it plays itself almost entirely

i've also been playing TUROK 2: SEEDS OF EVIL on its steam release, since that was a fun childhood game of mine; and lemme tell ya, they -really- improved it

the only thing that'll put most people off is the level design, since level 4 is like a 3D terraria cave in terms of how confusing it is to navigate, and pretty much all of the levels are labyrinthian and kinda a project on one's first time around

the team made sure to streamline the levels a LITTLE but only in a few occasional areas or with some other basic things; the game's still really dickish if you don't go in kinda knowing where stuff is

ANYWAY enough about STEAM GAMES

i feel as though i shoulda made reimu do more here, but she really wanted to physically abuse matt for now (but probably won't spare him from orb hell next time she sees him). that, and she probably didn't anticipate chaos oath's SHENANIGANS

gun building section: how hard was it to follow? was it boring? i dunno, it's hard for me to get a consumer viewpoint on it; i tried to add some things for clarification post-build so people had a vague idea of the end result and if skimming like i do just know "oh okay that's what all that nonsense prose was about".

anyway yeah

get hype for some MARIBEL ACTION next chapter yo!

as always, see you guys next time!

CO-AUTHOR'S NOTE:

hi. i still exist.

i cant really say much at this point about the story, since there's not much to actually SAY

i go and do things and get beat the fuck up by reimu because im an asshole. also gun thing that i suggested to the writefag like a few months ago. hope there's nothing wrong with me having a gun, because calling it a GUN is really GENEROUS. it's SHITTY and it BLOWS UP. we havent shown me loading it yet, because that's also a fun time

it's to make things more interesting overall, cause just running around murdering people cause they looked at me funny gets boring after a while (and i guess edgy/cringy? i dont really know. i liked rereading my chapters. maybe its just personal taste)

at this point im pretty sure you can guess whats goin on with chaos oath, cause that trek is almost finished

i wanna know how many people actually get this far in my chapters. general consensus seems that its just 2edgy4me. does that mean people dont read the entire thing, or do they read it all and just cringe every now and again

i dont even write this stuff, i just suggest things that i think would be interesting and writefag does his thing. i do write my own dialogue most of the time though. id honestly change many things if i were writing, but it aint my work (he'd probably let me anyway. hey son, would you)

AN: hi, CONSIDERING SOME OF YOUR SUGGESTIONS, PROBABLY NOT

fuck you (UNDERSTANDABLE. if we're talking about the BLOOD AND GUTS ones, even though most of them were just jokes \:3) i just think sometimes i seem a bit TOO SERIOUS when i do try to portray myself as totally nonchalant as brad, except slightly less hooligan and more chessmaster type

AN: you might be RIGHT ABOUT THAT; i tend to portray you very STRAIGHTMAN and DRY because i don't feel like you'd be okay with making you TOO RELAXED AT TIMES; additionally you had this one thing at one point of me being too much like you or you being too much like me or something but that was awhile ago

AN: on the note of EDGINESS aside from the probably admittedly out of place murderization concepts in an otherwise laughy jokey story i'm pretty sure it's not overall THAT cheesy even if it does seem matt carries himself more seriously as a MC than brad does; while _maybe_ outta place... considering this story lacks real direction anyway and these sections DO still have plenty of workin' comedy, i think they serve their purpose just fine enough, even if they stray away a bit

AN STILL: ...after all, since this is a fanfiction i got a lil leeway to stray from the prim and proper targets to just dick about as i please, even if i know such wouldn't exactly be KOSHER in a sophistamacated work. i think the murder concepts can also make a good foil to the insanity that happens otherwise sometimes and kinda adds… i don't wanna say a layer of DEPTH… i dunno, take a step down and call it a layer of VOLUME? XD but basically i feel like they do some world building and- yeah i've already gone on too long haven't i

gtfo of here son this is my note

we do try to mix things up a bit by having my ass kicked cause im still a human, even if i do try to play the "magnificent bastard" trope sometimes. at the end of the day IF YOU DONT LIKE THESE CHAPTERS, DONT GOTTA READ THEM… although they may end up having some story context you won't see in brad's chapters

UNCUT UNCENSORED AND UNDRESSED: he censored things i wanted to say, oh no. ITS A COMMUNIST FASCIST COMPUTER GOD DICTATORSHIP IN HERE. the dark deep state doesnt want you to know things; gotta keep the masses ignorant

so yeah. bye. see you later.


	70. Whack, whack, whack! Wahaha!

(in which maribel is soft)

Maribel and I close in on the manor gates…

Ga~h! I can't believe last chapter was the _sixty-ninth chapter_ and I _missed_ it! You know what that means though, yo…

"Hmm…" Maribel held a hand over her eyes, looking up at the manor which stood tall before us. "This place looks pretty different. Victorian's kind of a stretch, when the village was… whatever it was."

Meiling's actually awake for our approach. One eyebrow raised, she looks over Maribel as we approach…

That fluffle stand is also _still_ here. "the child is the key turok" It shares important knowledge with us.

Maribel looks over at it. "...The key to what?"

...After a delayed moment, the fluffle looks at her. "greetings turok"

"Don't even _try_ talkin' with it, yo…" I advise her as we near the fluffle stand. "It's fluffy with a capital F."

"how may i assist you" It holds up its fins, staring at Maribel expectantly.

…

Maribel looks over at me expectantly, but I just stare back at her. After a moment of inaction, she responds to the fluffstuff. "Uhm… I don't know. How can you help me?"

Spreadin' its fins across the countertop, the fluffle lays out Maribel's purchasable armaments in just a second…

There are both plant hangers and gap ribbons here. I feel like that's cheating.

...Maribel looked over two ribbons that were more like yin-yang patches. "What's this stuff?"

The fluffle explains the items, without telling her what's actually going on. "seven hundred thousand yen; it applies a minor all-around debuff to all youkai who enter and leave gap portals constructed by it and marks them for death for ten seconds"

...Maribel blinks. "What?"

Sparin' her from further confusion, I elaborate a _little_ bit. "It's a generic weapons shop."

She just furrows her brows at that. "But-... there aren't any weapons." Wahaha!

I nod. "Yeah. Fluffle shops _suck_. Some of the stuff they sell's magical though, so if you can get something cool for a low price, it'd _probably_ go a long way."

...At that, she looked over the things again. Her eyes crossed another gap 'ribbon', which were two clover-shaped patches this time. "What're these, then?"

The dust devil gets dustier, dude… "thirty thousand yen; removes all negative status effects from those who enter and leave the gap"

...Maribel echoes the price. "Thirty thousand yen. Do I look like I brought credit?"

"yes" The fluffle nods.

Somewhat exasperated, but not undeterred, Maribel looked over the plant hangers…

There's some fancy _stuff_ here, and I've never even seen some of it before. There is one hanger, however, that's _really_ catching my eye right now. Like, _rea~lly…!_

It's a sand red plant hanger with a steel block and a wind grate attached to it. The only things it's missing are my fairy dust and harp string upgrades…

I point at that. " _Where_ didja get _that?_ "

The fluffle looks up at me. Then, it looks back at Maribel, ignoring me completely. Freakin'...!

Maribel notices this, and asks in my steed. "What's that… plant hanger?" She gestures to the familiar hanger…

"Swift Brand" The fluffle informs her of its name. It really _is_ an unupgraded version of mine, even with the name. Holy _shit!_ "allows the user to cast Gust and slightly boosts attack and magic attack"

"How much does it cost?" Maribel knows her economics!

"fifteen thousand yen" The fluffle provides.

"Oh, come on…" Propping her hands on her hips, Maribel expresses how fed up she is with the pricing. "It's a _plant hanger_. You can find more just… around."

The fluffle shakes its head, its smile obscured.

…

Maribel moves onto the next hanger. "What's… this?"

The hanger she was looking at was rather ornate, almost wooden-looking. Cylindrical, curved 'wood' bars stretched around a central dreamcatcher circle, with one long bar stretching out as the hanger's handle.

"Dreamcatcher" The fluffle gave it an apt name, "boosts the power of holy skills. provides fifty percent resistance to syphoning and cursing! may cast Talisman Seal with certain skills. casts Talisman Seal on impact. costs five thousand yen!"

"...At least the price is _okay_ … if only by comparison." Maribel seemed placated by the price. "What about this other one?"

This other hanger looks pretty freakin' intimidating. It seems to be of black cast iron, but has a buncha ornate, white-rimmed circles embedded in it. The metal's also thick, and goes on for long stretches. The edges of the metal are also trimmed with white steel, but have curious ridges in them…

"Swordbreaker," the fluffle begins. Holy _shit_ that name is badass for a plant hanger. "boosts the power of dark attacks! increases user's defense, magic defense, and evade somewhat when equipped. lowers target's physical attack on impact, and with certain skills. design makes it a hard counter to sword-wielding opponents!"

"Price." Maribel blurts.

"twenty-five thousand yen" The fluffle makes its price known!

...Why's Maribel getting offered awesome named shit right off the bat? All I got was freakin'... fire hanger, water hanger, and earth hanger!

...Checking her pockets, Maribel searches for cash. "Let's see… I've go~t…"

She pulls out some fundage. "Six thousand yen on me. Guess I'm getting Dreamcatcher, then."

"thank you friend" The fluffle is fluffy.

Setting the money down on the counter, she picked up her new plant hanger.

Hmm~... I rap my hand on the counter. "Whatcha got for _me?_ " You _better_ offer me Swordbreaker.

The fluffle clears the table of the stuff with a swipe of its fins, and places some familiar hangers on the table. That rainbow one, that horseman thing one… nothing new or interesting. Freakin'...!

"I am going to _strangulate_ you." Fluffy frik.

"please no" It hides under the counter. Ho ho!

...Turning around, I see Maribel's lookin' at her new plant hanger, not entirely paying attention to us.

Facing the fluffle again, the gears in my head begin to turn, yo. Since it won't sell Swordbreaker to _me_ … I could just, y'know, have Maribel buy it as my proxy. Ho ho!

"Yo, Maribel." I rouse her attention!

"Hmm?" She looks away from her hanger, focusing on me.

"Ask the fluffle to show its stuff." I request.

...Facing the fluffle, she cooperates! "Show me your stuff."

In a brisk moment, the fluffle replicates its motions from earlier, splaying Swordbreaker and Swift Brand Two across the table again, along with some gap ribbons.

Alright… leaning towards Maribel a bit, I half-whisper. "I want ya to use my money to buy Swordbreaker for me…"

...She nods. "Ah. Why?"

...I jerk my head back. "Wadda ya mean, 'why'?"

"It's a twenty-five thousand yen plant hanger." She half-whispers back at me. "You could probably buy a real sword for a fraction of the price…"

Freakin'- "O~r I could get a sword _breaker_ for a _multiple_ of the price of a sword…!"

Grinning, she shakes her head. "Alright, alright…"

Taking out the twenty-five thousand yen, I hand it over to Maribel.

...She places it on the counter. "I'll take Swordbreaker."

The fluffle blinks, before grabbing the money with its fins and scooping it off the counter.

Maribel lifts Swordbreaker up, and looks it over… "Wow. The metal's so smooth…" Ho ho!

...Actually, idea.

"You should try looking at what boundaries a fluffle has." I suggest.

...Pausing a moment, she seems caught off-guard by the suggestion. Then, she looks back down at Swordbreaker. "Living beings are complicated."

I snort. "It's a _fluffle_ \- s'made outta _dust_."

...She shrugs. "Fi~ne."

...Meandering around the counter, she holds her hand out towards the fluffle. "Hey, um, is it okay if I touch you?"

"hug" The fluffle makes a request.

Not entirely expecting the warm welcome, Maribel blinks at it. "...Okay."

Lifting the fluffle up, she gives it a quaint hug. Ho ho ho!

…

…

After a moment, she lets go of it-

"wa- so- faf- and- fr- hu- ha-..." The fluffle makes unintelligible noises as it stumbles back to its natural position behind the counter.

"Uh-uhm…" Maribel raises her arms, slightly frazzled. "Sorry, sorry!"

"wand effect holy impact on death percent resistance when equipped" She freakin' broke it! Wahaha!

Smilin' widely, I rap my knuckles on the counter. "Show me the goods, fluffy-son!"

Complying, the fluffle spreads its fin across the counter.

...Ooo~h. There's a buncha weird shit here, now. There's a big ass sword that looks way too big for me to hold, but it's glowing and tinted red.

Testing my theory, I try to pick it up- oh, yeah, no way. Thing's not moving!

"What is it?" I hastily demand knowledge!

"on charge effect by command casts magic" ...Dang. Not gettin' any answers outta the fluffbag. This means we'll never know what price any of this stuff is!

There's some kinda weapon here that vaguely resembles a bazooka, except it's big and green, with thorny spikes adorning the outside. Beside it rests a chrome gohei with chains tied to the tip instead of that paper Reimu usually has. On the far end of the counter is what looks like a star-shaped guitar, with three freakin' playable sets of strings.

I bet this stuff is all heinously expensive.

...Maribel backs away from the fluffle. "I… don't think I can return it to normal. There's just too much going on with its boundaries…"

Oh, well. It'll probably find a way to die on its own.

"...Huh."

Hi, Meiling.

Standing behind us, Meiling has her arms folded.

Maribel jumps a bit, surprised. "O-oh! Uh… hi."

…

Breaking her gaze from the confused fluffle, Meiling looks over at her. "Hey."

"Yo ho ho!" Time to set up the meet 'n' greet! "Maribel, this is my ol' buddy ol' pal, Meiling! Meiling, this is Maribel."

Meiling just gives me a dry stare. "Have we ever talked for more than five minutes?"

…

I grin. "I mean, we _could_."

"Sorry about… hurting him." Holding her hands up a little, Maribel shrinks back slightly, looking away. "I didn't mean to."

Meiling blinked. "...Who?"

...After a hesitant moment, Maribel pointed at the fluffle.

"Oh." Meiling rolled her eyes. "That's just a living dust bunny, from what I know. Don't let their cuddly exterior fool ya, they're kinda like bugs."

…

Still hesitant, Maribel furrows her brows. "But… it talked."

"Y'know what else talks?" I interject, raising a finger!

...The two girls turn to me.

...I had no direction to take this upon inserting myself into this conversation. Oh- wait- actually…!

"Fairies." _Saved it_ , yo.

Folding her arms, Meiling smirked. "Hah. That's actually pretty on the mark."

...Maribel tilted her head back and forth. "Fairies… I see."

I'm just gonna figure she knows about respawn syndrome already. She seems to have made _some_ kinda connection she was comfortable with.

"So~..." Letting out a yawn, Meiling looked over us two. "...Anyone gonna bring it up?"

Reaching across the desk, I abruptly grab the fluffle from its post, and hold it up. "I have brought it up."

Meiling immediately deflates. Wahaha!

"I _mean_ ," she promptly surveys Maribel, looking her up and down, "this girl looks _exactly_ like Yukari. Well, not exactly, but…"

"Can confirm," I butt in, "is not Yukari."

...Meiling gives me an expectant stare, her arms still folded.

"I saw Yukari and her in the same place at the same time." I give my easiest solution! "Therefore, not Yukari."

"Alright, then…" Leisurely, Meiling strolls back to her default position in front of the gate. As she does so, she takes a look back at Maribel. "Maribel, right?"

Maribel blinked, still a little tense. "Yes…?"

"You wanna get in?" Meiling gestured towards the gate with a jerk of her head.

...Delaying slightly, Maribel nodded.

...Meiling stopped before the gate. "We~ll. Yukari wouldn't just ask to go inside… and since you're following _him_ ," she gives me a glance, "you'd probably get in anyway, gaps or no gaps. Just avoid the regular residents, or you might get jumped just 'cause you look like Yukari."

I snort. "Yeah, what're they gonna do, yo? We got a _sword breaker!_ I mean- I know none 'a ya use swords, but… _sword breaker!_ "

…Meiling gives us a smile as she gives the gate a simple push, moving back to her spot next to it. "Yeah, yeah. If she's really not Yukari, then Mistress'll probably like to see her, just for fun."

"Thanks, yo." I begin to move through the gate. "I will take the entire mansion's treasury and give it to you within the next hour."

She gave me a grin. "If you actually did that somehow, you can have it."

Ho ho ho! Be glad my party member isn't really Yukari, yo!

With that, me and my not-gap-youkai-friend-who-could-still-use-gaps-somehow entered the mansion.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"O~h, wo~w…!" Maribel gaped at the interior. So many scarlets!

...I turn to her casually. "S'not really _that_ grand, is it?"

"No, it's just…" Maribel looked around hastily, pacing about excitedly. "I've been here before."

Wait, what? "Freakin'- what, you visit it in your dreams?"

"Exactly!" She snaps her fingers! "...I should put away some of my stuff while I'm here." Her right arm was currently filled with three plant hangers and her suitcase.

We scurry over to a nearby decorative table so Maribel can manage her inventory…

She opens her suitcase! I am immediately greeted by papers written in Japanese when I look inside.

Maribel sighs when she looks over it. "...I've got a feeling I'm not gonna complete my homework any time soon."

...I look at her. "You say that like it's a bad thing."

She snorts. "Well, when I go home, it will be."

...You also imply you'll actually get out of here! Then again, she's Maribel, so she probably will. Be it by her gapmania, or Yukari's gapmania.

Looking uncertain, she runs her eyes across the stuff. "U~hm… what to take out, what to take out…"

Hmm. Idea. "...Take out the tiny LED Christmas light you got in there."

She lifts it out of the suitcase, and places it beside it.

"... _Now_ try fitting the plant hanger in there." I grin.

She blinks twice. "...It's still full though."

"Trust me, yo." I pat my own shoulder! "I'm a trustworthy guy, yo, real trustworthy."

...She moves to insert the cast iron plant hanger, and after some shoving, it somehow fits.

"Eheh…" Somewhere between amused and distressed over how much she scrunched her homework doing that, she closed the suitcase. "I guess that's good enough, I can just carry the rest on me."

I nod, 'n' pick up Swordbreaker. "And I~'ll be takin' _this_ , yo…" Ho ho ho. Boosts dark skills, huh? We all know I have a lot of those!

Wow, she's right, this thing feels real smooth. Wonder how long that'll last…

Shoving the LED into her pocket, Maribel lifted her suitcase with one arm, and Dreamcatcher with the other. "Okay… let's do some exploring."

That's what I like to _hear_ , yo!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We stepped into the dining room after about ten seconds of freakin'... walking down the left hall, and taking one left turn.

There's not terribly many fairies here, but there are some faces…!

Komi's sitting at a chair along the midst of the big dining table, her goons Koi and Namori next ta her.

With her arms propped on the table, Komi looked like she had her thinkin' cap on!

"We should buy some strippers." Koi suggested, looking away from her afternoon cereal.

"...You know what? Okay." Komi consented. "Let's say we _do_ that. Where the fuck will we find strippers?"

...Smirking, Koi looks over at me and Maribel. Aw, yeah yo!

...Maribel blinked. "I don't remember the maids being like _this._ "

That makes me wonder. "How many maids didja meet here?"

...She turned to me after a moment. "Like, four."

Pfft.

Komi looks over at us, too, before grinning. "Ooh? Who's the _slut?_ "

Maribel snorts incredulously. "Woah, there…! What'd I do to you?"

Suddenly, Komi stands up! Putting a hand to her chest, she gets all dominatrix-y. "You're in _my_ territory, asswipe. Unless you plan to suck up to me, of course, then I'll _think_ about letting you be."

...Maribel rose a brow. "What if… I _don't?_ "

Komi floated up, and landed on the table! "...I'll simply _make you_ suck up to me, and you're gonna _like it_."

Koi chips in from her seat. "Make her suck our clits!" Pffft…!

...Komi just gives her a freakin' _glance_ , before focusing on Maribel again.

Backing up a little, Maribel grinned incredulously. "What'd I do to you…!?"

I think I'll give her some friendly fairy advice. "Drop your suitcase, and raise your plant hanger, yo! Yer gonna have to duke it out!"

"Why~?" Despite her question, Maribel follows my advice, holding Dreamcatcher with both hands as she backs up a bit more…

Bringing her fisticuffs up, Komi leaps off the table on our side of it. She grins at Maribel. "What, _another_ plant hanger wielding bitch? That a gift for me?"

...Then, she looks over at me. "Also- you better not butt in to save her sorry ass, you know she deserves this. Koi, Namori, make sure he doesn't interrupt me."

Koi gives a thumbs up from the table, still eating her cereal. "Mmm!"

Namori looks up from her own cereal, sighing.

I watch Komi near Maribel. Oh boy, yo…!

Maribel holds Dreamcatcher defensively, still incredulous. "Why~...!?"

…

Komi promptly engages by walking towards her opponent and lunging, which Maribel just backpedaled away from.

"Can we not?" Maribel's still awkwardly grinning. "I'm sorry for, uh~, offending you?"

"Shut it!" Komi sprints towards her and tries a freakin' _kick_.

"Woah!" Maribel stumbles to the side, avoiding it without too much difficulty. "Geez…!"

...Stumbling from staggering herself, Komi awkwardly positions herself again.

Good fight.

...After a moment of strafing idly, Komi lunges towards Maribel again. Caught at an awkward interval, Maribel inadvertently blocks by just putting Dreamcatcher wherever she thought Komi'd punch… which wasn't very many places.

"Ghh…" Komi shakes her hands, because punching weapons usually isn't comfortable. What I wanna know is why she's not using danmaku, or anything…!

...Komi slowly inches towards Maribel, while the latter girl just kinda looked uncertain about what to do.

Freakin'... "Sometimes, you gotta fight!" I recommend from the sidelines! "Hit her in the gut, or the tits! Or the head!"

"Do I really…!?" Maribel doesn't seem like she wants to aggress the fairy maid.

"Yeah, yo!" I continue. "Just-"

Komi makes a sudden movement, and a freakin' _good one_ , too. Sliding her leg outward, she sweeps it under Maribel, causing her to drop onto her side. "Aa-aah!" Freakin'... maybe she shoulda had Swordbreaker!

With a leap, Komi rolls Maribel onto her back, and straddles her waist. "Hahaha! You fucking stupid- ghh…" She struggles a little bit as Maribel shifts.

"Get off of me…!" Lashing out with Dreamcatcher, Maribel gives her a whack to her stomach.

"Guh…" Komi flinches-

Fwoom. A talisman generates where the hanger struck, similar to the ofuda Reimu sticks onto her foes. I assume Komi just got syphoned!

...Komi promptly grabs onto Dreamcatcher. "Give me-…!"

Yeah, syphoning doesn't do much when your opponent's physical. This… has pretty much devolved into a cat fight.

"No-no…!" Maribel tugs on her weapon, trying to retrieve it.

Komi reaches out, and grabs a handful of Maribel's chest.

"Eep!?" Maribel's eyes widen, and she tugs frantically- he~y, she gets the hanger free!

Komi's grinning widely. "Ooh? You like it when I do that…!?" Promptly, she starts to try and molest Maribel with both hands-

Thunk! Maribel jabs the hanger into the fairy's gut again.

"Fu~h…" Komi hugs herself-

Thunk! Maribel clonks her in the head.

"Hngh…" Komi relents, standing up and backing off. "Bitch…"

Maribel hastily gets onto her own feet, flustered and frantic. "Ge-geez, seriously, why…?"

Fwoom- fwoom. Two more talismans appear where Maribel hit the fairy, probably strengthening the syphon.

Like this, they strafe one another again…

…

Komi punches forward-

Clink! I'm not sure if she's _trying_ to avoid hitting Dreamcatcher.

Maribel shows a rare moment of aggression, lunging forward and whacking Komi in the head again.

Thunk! "Ahn…!?" Komi stumbles back, surprised by the attack-

Whack! Maribel brought the hanger out in a broad swing, clobbering Komi in the cheek.

Spinning around, Komi fell onto her arms and knees. "Fu~ck…"

…

Setting Swordbreaker on the dining table, I clap! "You _did it_ , yo! Your first fairy victory!"

...She just looks at me with a frustrated expression. "Why didn't you help me? That was kinda-..."

"I wanted ya to get some fightin' experience in." I inform her. "'Cause these friks are like, the easiest things you could probably end up fighting, and you wouldn't want to be caught dead without knowin' how to curbstomp at least two thirds of the fights you end up in."

…

She tilts her head back and forth. "I guess…"

You _guess,_ yo!? I'm not happy with that middleground uncertainty! "Freakin'- I carry a _miniature flamethrower_ on me, yo. It doesn't even help that much!"

 _That_ seems to have gotten her attention! She looks curious, yo.

The kitchen door opens, and we look over to it.

Some generic, tan-haired fairy walks out, holding a bowl of cereal.

"Ooh…" Maribel starts walking towards the kitchen. "Yeah, I could do with some food right about now…"

I should probably eat something before I nearly die of starvation that I can't sense again. "Yeah, me too, probably."

...She gives me a raised brow! "Probably?"

Freakin', I dunno, yo! I give her an exaggerated shrug!

We proceed towards the kitchen door.

…

Koi watches us as we go. Moving across Komi's unoccupied seat, she elbows Namori. "That blonde's fucking _cute_."

Namori just idly watches us as we go, only paying attention 'cause of her friend.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We walk in on some kinda Mexican standoff…

That one freakin' maid- Yellow-chan- was standing with a metal dough beater, her eyes wide with fear.

Mapleweather was next to her, holding a big empty bottle by the neck like a sword…

On the floor before them, there was a spoon. They were guarding against the spoon.

…

Alright.

Maribel and I just kinda walked past them, and they ignored us. We proceed towards the fridge!

Opening it up, I look inside…

Ah, yeah. Food. Meat food. Plant food. Food food. I need me some Goldfish, or Cheez-Its. Or waffles and stuff, but I'm not sure where those are kept.

Maribel doesn't seem interested in the refrigerated real foods, either. "Hmm~…"

Pi~chun!

What the _frik_ …

Turning around, I notice Yellow-chan somehow died horribly.

The spoon on the floor was now where she was, and it was slowly vibrating.

"N-no~!" Mapleweather yelled out in fear! "Yellow-chahaha~n! _O~h, nooo~!_ "

…

Okay.

Ignoring the fridge and shuttin' it, I crouch down and open the freezer…

Aw, dude! Waffles! They're… not in a box, and they're all stored in curiously- almost specifically molded- pockets. I wonder… does Sakuya just make them and freeze them herself? That's kinda badass.

I lift out two waffles, and Maribel takes a few, too.

I look back over at Mapleweather-

Pi~chun!

The spoon shot _straight through her-_

Chink! It lodged in the wall.

Alright, what the fuck-

"Clank, clank, clank! Bam, bam, bam!" The stove opens and slams its door repeatedly! I forgot the thing was alive!

"A-aah!?" Maribel leaps back a bit, startled. "...Is-is the kitchen haunted!?"

"Yes." I reply without hesitation. "Very."

 _Cra~ck!_ The bottle Mapleweather was holding exploded into glass on the floor, 'cause she ain't around to hold it anymore.

In the next moment, Sakuya appeared!

She looked down at the glass mess. "...Not even thirty seconds."

"Clack, clack, clack!" This oven youkai's gonna get annoying fast…!

…

 _Clink!_ The spoon shot out of the wall like a bullet, but Sakuya was gone in the next moment.

Ti-tink…

The spoon lied on the floor menacingly.

…

Sakuya was before it again, except this time there were lit candles around it, and a magical circle under it. "There."

...I nod acceptingly. Nothin' wrong with anything I just saw. "Are the spoons rebelling?"

"Apparently." Sakuya turns to us, her expression dry.

Good.

"O-oh…" Maribel takes pause. "It's you!"

Sakuya blinks, stepping towards us. "...Aa~h. Welcome back."

Ooh? Welcome back? ...Does Maribel know Sakuya!?

I turn to her, my eyebrows raised!

"I'm actually pretty glad to see you." Smiling, Maribel steps up to Sakuya. "Things are pretty crazy around here."

Sakuya snorted knowingly. "Mmm…"

...She glanced between Maribel and me. "You do realize he's a bad influence?"

Maribel shrugged. " _I'm_ a bad influence." ...You sure 'bout that? "I don't have anything else to do, either."

Accepting that answer, Sakuya steps past us, and steals the waffles from our hands. "I'll prepare those for you. They'll be done in just a moment."

...Nodding, Maribel begins to leave for the dining room. "Alright."

"Bam, bam, bam!" The stove says something. Freakin'... it'sa stove person! Aaah!

"No." Sakuya refutes the stove.

"What?" Maribel stops in the door, turning back to Sakuya.

Sakuya looks back at her. "Hmm?... Oh, sorry. I was talking to the stove."

...Maribel just turns and leaves. Wahaha!

Following her out into the dining room, we begin trying to find some seats…

Komi's up again, sitting with her friends. She looks pissed, but also injured, so I don't think she'll try to molestigate us again.

...After a moment, Maribel randomly picks a chair _away_ from the fairies-

A finished plate of waffles is suddenly where she's about to sit.

"...Wow." She blinks. "...Uhm?"

I pull open my seat, and another plate of waffles is seemingly spawned for me. Ho ho!

Sakuya is now sitting across from us, taking a curiously semi-relaxed posture in her chair. "Do enjoy your stay. You're one of few guests who are least likely to cause property damage."

"...Thanks?" Maribel grins awkwardly as she sits down, looking over her waffles… "How'd you get these out here so fast?"

Sakuya flips out her watch, something I rarely actually see! "Time manipulation."

...At that, Maribel nods. "Wo~w. I think I remember that, too…"

"I would hope." Sakuya grinned.

…

As Maribel started her waffles, Sakuya stood. "I must be going for now. I've got errands to attend to."

"Alright." Maribel waved at her. "It was nice seeing you again!"

"Likewise."

A~nd presto! Sakuya's one with the wind, yo.

...In the pseudo-silence of the dining room, we peacefully consume our waffles. Buttered and everything, yo.

"You know her too, huh?" Maribel brings up my affiliation with the manor!

Swallowin' a waffle _fragment_ , I respond. "Yeah, I'm in the know, yo. I vaguely know everyone here, and everyone vaguely knows me!"

...She goes back to quietly munching on her own waffles.

There is- oh. I was about to say there was no drinkage, but we _were_ given glasses of water. Freakin' snuck up on me, yo.

…

"How'd _you_ know Sakuya?" I question her after some moments of consumption…

"I was here before," Maribel restates, "in a dream, once. She gave me some cookies."

Huh. She never gave _me_ cookies… although I never asked for them. I still dunno whether or not I even live here!

…

Once we finish the waffles, we get up and prepare to explore more of the mansion…

"Last time I was here, all I really saw was one sorta small hallway section." Maribel spoke of her experience here! "I saw a few fairy maids that Sakuya… 'killed'. She explained how they respawn and stuff."

I smile at that. "Yeah, that's a fun part. If you kill them in self-defense, no one cares! Not that that's exceedingly difficult, anyway…" Fairies have a far lower damage threshold than many things.

While we discuss and stuff, Koi begins to approach us from across the table. She drifts over it quietly, smirking…

Maribel has yet to notice 'cause she's still facing me. Oh- nevermind, she's turning around to head for the door.

Koi stops, now standing innocently like fifteen feet ahead. "Oh, he~y!"

Holding her hanger up protectively with one arm, Maribel examines the fairy. "You're not gonna attack me, right?"

...Koi looked away. "No~. Why would I?"

...Maribel just narrows her eyes slightly. "I've got this feeling." Ho ho!

"We're goin' to the library, yo." I decide. Takin' her on a full tour! I also wanna see what Koakuma's going to do to her, 'cause I'm a freakin' asshole.

"Can I come!?" Koi blurts out! "I- um, wanna read the books!"

Yeah- okay. I don't even think you can _read_.

" _Sure._ " I'm also curious whether or not she's gonna jump Maribel for existing, so she can come anyway! "Let's go, yo."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The hallways are being oddly cooperative. I'm not sure whose fault that is!

Koi is surprisingly quiet as she follows behind us.

"These hallways are kinda… interesting." Maribel observes the scarlet hallways. "There's something weird about knowing you're just entirely surrounded by walls and rooms. I've been in too many buildings that had windows to the outside everywhere…"

"It's kinda cool, innit?" I ponder, too.

"I kno~w, right?" Koi suddenly chips in! "It's hot as fu~ck in the summer. Actually, it's pretty hot right now, y'know. Why don't we take our shirts off?"

…

Maribel just dryly turns to her. "What kind of thought process was _that?_ "

"Do fairy maids actually strip in the summer?" I have a different question! I mean, if so… why wasn't I teleported into this fic two or three months ago!?

...Maribel gives me a dry stare, too. Ho ho!

Koi's expression towards me is also dry. "No. Well- sometimes. Not as much as I'd _like._ "

Aw. Oh, well.

"Doesn't mean we can't do it now." Koi addresses Maribel again.

We're nearing the library double doors! With any luck, it won't be sealed into oblivion this time.

"We're not." Maribel declares. "Look- I don't know-"

"C'mo~n!" Koi's really pushin', now…! "What's the big deal!?"

"I-I don't want to just be naked!" Maribel's getting exasperated again!

I walk up to the library door, and reach out for it-

Ti~ng! Ah, shit…

I shake my hand, magical electricity or something crackling on it. This one's weird; it don't sting or anything, it just… is uncomfortable. Freakin' weird.

"Door's locked." I make the problem known. "By a _barrier_."

…

I turn to Maribel, who's just staring at Koi with her brows furrowed. Koi's smiling back at her, albeit lopsidedly…

"We're locked out by a _magical barrier._ " I restate.

…

" _Barrier._ " Hello~!? Anyone home!?

"O-oh?" Maribel hastily looks over at me. "Then, uhm… should we come back later?"

…

"We're probably not wanted, if the door's locked…" Maribel justifies a moment later, noticing my flat stare.

"Just freakin' experiment with the door, yo." I request. "She _always_ locks this door."

...If she can't get it open, I'm just gonna mine through the wall and hope Patchy didn't plant mines inside of it. Mines to prevent mining!

"...Okay." Maribel seems fine with my explanation. Reaching her hand out, she puts it on the door's exterior-

The light of the barrier briefly flashes to life, but she rests her hand on it solidly.

…

Ti~ng! The barrier lit up an opaque, reflective texture. It's like a mirror, but if you tossed a bottle of bubble mix onto it. Ho ho.

…

Slowly, the squares that made up the barrier begin to break down and separate, dissolving in the air…

Then, Koi came up behind Maribel, wrapped her arms around her sides, and grabbed onto her breasts.

" _Eeeah!?_ " Maribel jumped a foot!

"Holy shit!" Koi leapt back, also startled!

 _Krii~ng!_

The barrier shattered, and the particles all expanded and shot off in different directions-

Crack-shink-crack-crack.

…

Triangles of barrier magic now sat embedded in the ceiling, the floor, and some adjacent walls. Some even just sat on the floor, loose.

...Should I pick one up? I don't think so. I wouldn't pick up _glass_ , so I guess I wouldn't pick up magic glass.

Maribel whirls around on her heels, blushing and glaring. "Wh-what was _that!?_ "

Koi puts her arms up, grinning widely. "I-I couldn't help it! You're fucking _cute!_ "

...At that, Maribel just huffs. "Bu- wh-... fine. Don't go _grabbing me_ and stuff. Next time you do that, you're getting a whack to the face."

Koi rolls her eyes. "Yeah, yeah."

Like that ever stopped Koi before…!

Once Maribel was satisfied with the state of things, she carefully stepped past the barrier shards, swung the double door open, and stepped into the Voile…

"Wo-woah…" All it took was about twenty feet of walking, and the grandiose space and amount of shelves captivated her. " _Woa~h._ This-... is the mansion even big enough to hold this?"

I shake my head. "No."

...She turns to me questioningly.

I grin. "They're freakin' cheaters!"

Smiling to herself, Maribel continues into the many shelves. Me and Koi follow behind her…

…

"Have you read any of the books here?" Maribel asks me, moving to a shelf nearby…

"Not really- and, uh, some are boobytrapped." I inform her, before she sorts through the books and thrusts us into a random encounter of doom.

...She turns to me dryly. " _Really?_ "

I nod. "Yeah. Freakin'll bite yer face off."

...She blinks. "Oh. That's what you meant…"

Wat.

Koi giggles behind us. "Hehehe~. _Boobie_ trapped."

...Son of a bitch. I even _felt_ like this'd happen, too.

"I thought your mind was less in the gutter than mine!" Freakin'...!

She power walks ahead, moving further into the shelves. "I blame the stupid fairies! They keep grabbing me!"

"Not my fault!" Koi denies all responsibility, holding up an arm for no reason.

"Alright, yo, alright…" I'll take Merry's excuse for now, yo.

…

…

...We've been walking for awhile!

"So many shelves…" Maribel expresses disdain after a while. "I thought there'd be like, clearings and stuff…"

"Oh, there are." I admit. "I think I remember where the good one is!"

"...Take us there." Maribel stops leading, falling behind a little to let me lead. Woo.

"Ye, ye." Wahaha!

It doesn't take too long, but wherever Maribel took us was freakin'... pretty far off the beaten path, so it took me longer than normal to find Patchy's preferred clearing.

...In the midst of the library, a certain magi watched me and my hooligan squad approach.

Patchy actually looks up at us, and perks up a bit."Oh, there you are." Wait, what? "I was looking for a guinea pig." ...Oh, shieut!

"Wh-what?" Maribel is caught off guard by the statement.

"I feel like testing obscure statuses on you three." Patchy puts it bluntly. "I accidentally decommissioned Koakuma by testing the morale status on her earlier."

"I-I just came to visit." Maribel tries to put a hand up, only to find that she's got one preoccupied by a suitcase, and the other with a plant hanger. "Are you, like, a mage?"

…

Looking my gap-friend up and down, Patchy sighs. "Brad, who is this?"

"A friend." She's cuddly, dude.

...Seemingly calming down, Patchy looks back into the tome on her desk. "Hmm. Her resemblance to a certain youkai makes me less than eager to bother."

Man, Yukari really cleared the _way_ for Maribel, yo.

"...Well, sorry." Maribel gives a half-assed apology. "I just wanted to look at this library. It's so big…"

...Uncertain of Maribel, still, Patchy doesn't respond much.

"For serious, though, she's not Yukari." I speak up! "Not quite, anyway."

"Not _quite_." Patchy monotones, not looking up from her tome. "Charming. Just as Utsuho not _quite_ being the sun god Amaterasu cleanses her of her destructive potential."

Son. I know she's a girl, but _son_.

...Maribel just shakes her head. "Fine. I know when I'm not welcomed. Let's go, Brad."

"Sure thing." I follow Maribel as she storms off into the shelves. "Uh- see ya, Patchy! Happy studying and things!"

...Koi gives her a wave. "Tell your _slut_ I said hi!"

With that, we became one with the bookshelves, yo. By that, I mean got hopelessly lost again.

"Can we just stop and read one of the books?" Maribel complains. "I don't care if they explode in my face or something. It's so bo~ring to just walk around the shelves…"

"Yeah." I consent. "Might as well, yo. Nothing lived, nothing learned!"

Setting down her suitcase, and reaching into the shelves, Maribel pulls out a thick, unlabeled tome, and opens it to a random page.

…

"I don't even know what language this is." Maribel deadpans, staring into the book drolly.

I look over her shoulder. "...Maybe it's like, indu-swahili."

She closes the book. "Are… they all like this?"

I grin. "Yeah, pretty much-"

"Not _all~_ of them…"

Hehe~y! The flying obscenity has arrived!

Maribel takes one look at her- "Oh, god- she's a succubus…" Wahaha!

Koakuma pouts, but smirks again once she runs her eyes up and down Maribel's form… "Ye~s, I _am_ a succubus. And you a~re…?"

...Maribel frowns at her. "Maribel."

"Charmed." Koakuma holds out a hand for her to shake…

I step forward, and shove Swordbreaker into said hand! "Hey yo, how ya doin', why ya doin', what ya doin', who ya doin'!?"

...Koakuma blinks at me. Even so, she shook the hanger up and down like it was a hand. Wahaha! "You stupid son of a bitch. If my band played you during the festival, you would've been having sex with those bitches in front of the whole village."

…

Maribel's jaw was slack.

I turn to her, grinning. "Ain't she a _saint?_ "

"Bu-but, anyway…" Koakuma holds up her hands, realizing she ruined her already abysmal chance to seduce Maribel. "Let's talk about you! Your- uhm, nice breasts."

Koi claps her hands. "Damn right! Soft as _fuck!_ "

…

Maribel holds up her plant hanger in resistance! "Why does everyone want to rape me!?"

...They're not even that big! I mean, they ain't small either, but freakin'... I think the fairies and Koakuma just really want somebody new to molest.

Koakuma frowns. "Hey- hey. _Hey_ … hey."

We stare at her.

"It's not rape if you _like it_." Koakuma winks.

Koi whistles in agreement. "I can get behind that!"

...Maribel turns to me. "Brad, help."

Oof. Put on the spot, I tilt my head. "Well, it's not like-"

Koakuma advances towards Maribel, her gaze hungry. "Come _o~n_."

Maribel starts swinging at the air as Koakuma gets closer to her! "Brad, help!"

"Yo, yo, yo!" Holding up Swordbreaker aggressively, I start to get in the way. "Calm your hormones, friend."

Scowling at me, Koakuma takes an aggressive stance herself. "Oh, _fuck off_ … at least let me fuck _her!_ "

"Son." I still dunno whether or not I wanna fight Koakuma! "We don't gotta do battle!"

Koakuma glares at me, frustrated by my attempted negotiation.

...Koi begins to distance herself from both parties, standing at the side. I dunno 'bout her…

Suddenly, Koakuma lunges forward-

"Here!" She grabs onto Swordbreaker!

"Yo-yo!" The frik's she doin'-

Tugging on it, she actually jerks it so hard that I'm thrown to her side. Scrambling to keep from falling onto my stomach from the momentum, I end up _behind_ her.

Whack! She kicks me in the back as I pass her, sending me onto my stomach anyway.

"Oof…" Holy _shit_. I got ganked, son.

Thunk! Koakuma ends up getting whacked in the side by Maribel.

Fwoom. A talisman generated where she struck, sealing Koakuma's spells, if she intends to cast at all.

...A slow-moving orange orb drifts towards us, from Koi's position. Freakin'...

Koakuma repeats her last trick, grabbing onto Maribel's Dreamcatcher, and tugging on it to pull her close. From there, she wraps an arm around her. "You're not getting away…!"

"He-hey!" Maribel jabs her in the gut with Dreamcatcher!

Fwoom. Another talisman attaches itself to Koakuma, this time where Maribel poked her.

Gettin' back up, I charge at Koakuma! "Let my fluffy-capped friend go, yo!"

With her other arm, Koakuma grabbed onto Maribel's chin, forcing her to look into her eyes. Koakuma blinked at Maribel.

"...What the hell?" Koakuma blinked at her again. "Why isn't it working?"

I hit the succubus in the back with Swordbreaker! _Thunk!_

"Mother _fucker!_ " She begins trying to hobble away by pushing Maribel, but the girl resists by jabbing her in the gut again. "Gnh…!"

The danmaku orb Koi sent at us earlier explodes into a random spread of smaller, orange orbs. Ow.

Koakuma flinches from them, since they strike her too. She's inadvertently shielding Maribel by having her in a half-hug…

Maribel finally breaks free with another jab to the gut, backing up from Koakuma.

Fwoom. Three layers of syphoning, yo. Oof. The first talisman falls off of Koakuma's side, though, so something tells me her syphons don't last awhile…

Turning to me, Koakuma reels her arm back!

"Yo!" I attempt to guard by holding Swordbreaker in the way…

Instead of giving a powerful overhead like I was expecting, Koakuma fluidly crouches and sends an upward-tilted strike at my chest.

"Woah…" I stumble back, before landing on my butt. "Freaking…!" I don't feel like she hit as hard as she should've, for some reason.

From there, Koakuma just _leaps at me_. Holy-

Grappling me, she presses my face to her chest. Her shirt has no cleavage- ironically- so this is more awkward than anything…

Well, I say that, but it smells nice- oh shit succubi have pheromones- hold breath…! Ho~ldin' my breath!

"Well…?" She's probably smirking, but I can't see it.

Thunk! Maribel struck her in the back, I think, causing her to flinch.

"Aaa~h!" Maribel suddenly yells out, and I see the bright flash of more of Koi's danmaku flaring out. She musta bombed us again!

This battle's become one big clusterfuck! Aaa~h!

Ba-bam! Koakuma is suddenly blindsided by two silver tomes, breaking her hold on me. "Huah…!?"

Stumbling back onto my feet, I run at Koakuma with Swordbreaker, 'cause she probably won't expect me to go for more, yo!

I manage to graze her arm as she doubles back, looking up at the tomes…

One of the tomes moved to push me away by floating into my torso. He~y…

I hit the tome. Not a lot happens…!

"Why can't I cast shit!?" Koakuma is just now feeling the full effect of being syphoned! I see another talisman fall off of her, but she's still got one stuck to her…

I once again hit the tome that's gently pushing me away. I don't think my physical attacks are doing much to it…

Maribel just follows my lead and attacks it with Dreamcatcher…

Fwoom. There's now a talisman stuck to it!

Thud. It fell to the floor. Apparently its levitation was a self-cast spell, or something.

Koakuma's clawing at the tome that's separated her from us, but it's not taking much damage. These books must have high defense…!

Patchouli floats in from above, holding her book from before. "Really, now…"

Ow- ouch! Koi made another orange orb explode next to us. Fuck…

"Aah!" Maribel was surprised by it again. "Wh-what _are_ these things!? They hurt…"

...Patchouli simply spares her a glance, before lowering herself to meet with us. Her eyes ran over the silver-covered tome that Maribel sealed. "...Syphoning. Where did you obtain such a weapon?"

...Maribel blinks. "Are… you talking to me?"

Patchy's naturally cynical stare gets drier.

"...I, um, bought it." Maribel admits. "From the plush people. The-... the fluffles, right."

"Of course." Patchy shakes her head. "In any case, I was able to watch that fight."

I grin. "Yo ho ho! How'd I do, yo?"

"...In truth?" Looking at me with a raised brow, Patchy folded her arms. "It was… entertaining."

...You don't seem very entertained, gonna be honest…

Koakuma skulked towards us…

Patchy turns in the air to look at her. "You probably should have tried hypnosis from the beginning of the fight."

"I just wanted to play with her _boobs_." Koakuma looks discouraged. "Why's it so easy with the fairies, but so hard to actually do to a fucking…"

"The fairies _let you_." Patchy monotones. "In any case, I've been looking for you. We're going to resume testing of obscure statuses."

Koakuma huffed. "Fi~ne. I better get the ability to use one of the better ones, though…"

With that, Patchy hovered off, and the silver tome that was still active drifted off into the aether somewhere.

...Shaking her head- the final talisman drifting off of her side- Koakuma drifted off to follow the mage. "How does she even _know_ … _?_ "

…

Maribel sighed. "...For some reason, I've always wanted to meet a succubus. Now… not so much."

Honh. "Yeah, same here. I mean- it'd be fine if it weren't for the whole 'eating your soul' thing."

...Taking a glance at Maribel, I see that she's got a vain- albeit flushed- expression on her face.

"What's with the blush, yo?" I decide to question her!

"...She was pretty hot." Maribel admits, fidgeting her arms. "Yo-you're blushing, too, you know?"

I am? ...Oh, I am, I feel it, now. Stupid pheromones. "Oh. So I am! Oh well."

She snorts.

…

Where the frik did Koi go? She musta slinked off a little after Patchy showed up...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After dungeon crawling our way out of the huge library and wandering aimlessly through the manor's halls, we come upon Remilia's door.

"America, huh…?" Maribel's idly scanning the scarlet walls and random furniture as we skip Remilia's door entirely. Wahaha!

"Yeah, fun time." I summarize our discussion about America. "...I can't imagine going to school in Japan, though, where there's like, freakin' _discipline._ " Compared to American high school, Japan's standards are pretty high when it comes to all that academic crap!

...Maribel casually shrugs. "Well, I don't really have much else to compare it to, so to me it's not all that bad."

Yeah, I can see that. Freakin'... education sucks, yo. Well, 'education'.

...After going down the hallway past Remilia's room, we end up passing Remilia's room again. Yeah, it's just going to be a Flintstones background until we decide to go inside…!

"Wait-..." Maribel suddenly has a realization. "If you're from America… did you learn Japanese? You speak very fluently."

...I turn to her. "How do you speak Japanese from a century ago, _son?_ "

Maribel doesn't follow. "...Everyone here speaks modern?"

I shake my finger at her. "This place- Gensokyo- has some mumbo jumbo stretchin' shit goin' on, yo. I don't even speak a _lick_ 'a Japanese." I don't even know how my mannerisms like 'yo' and other such hooliganry translate over the border of language.

"...Huh." Maribel doesn't seem sure what to make of that!

...Aw, frik. I wanted to go off on a long rant about hating school, but now we're on the topic of world language! May or may not be for the best!

We do another cycle around Remilia's door. Eventually Maribel's going to notice how many huge double doors we've passed…

"Video games!" I bring up our next topic!

"...Smooth." Maribel gives me a dry glance, before examining the hall idly again. "They're fun."

...Good conversation!

"What games do you play?" Maribel pushes things along.

Aw, shit, I'm never prepared for questions like that, despite initiating these conversations. "Ah, hmm…" The main thing is… what games are worth mentioning, and what games are best left unsaid? Aaah!

Well, it's Maribel, and I'm in freakin' Gensokyo, so I'll just rattle off some titles I like randomly. "...Monster Girl Quest. Duke Nukem 3D. Turok Two. Senran Kagura."

...She gives me a skeptical stare! "That's pretty… varied." Wahaha! "Also, 'war god entertainment'?"

...Wat.

"You _just_ said it, too." She reads my incredulous face. "Don't give me that look."

"War god entertainment." I repeat. "...Senran Kagura?"

...She blinks. "Yes. War god entertainment. That was the fourth thing you listed."

...Border of language is _wei~rd_ , yo!

"I did not know the title translated to that." I admit! "All I ever knew it as was Japanese mumbo jumbo that sounded cool!"

She grins. "I suppose that's how the west views a lot of Japanese-titled works…?"

"Yeah, pretty much!" Ho ho ho! "...It's not that different over in Japan, though, is it?" I've seen stuff about how some people in Japan just like, wear t-shirts with random English on them without really knowing what the text means.

"Yeah." Maribel agrees. "Grass is always greener, huh?"

…

"How many huge double doors did we pass?" Maribel stops at Remilia's door this time. "There can't be _that_ many major rooms."

Time to go all in, son! "...Did Monster Girl Quest ring any bells?"

Maribel replies pretty quickly! "Wh- _no_. Look, too many big doors. Why're there so many big doors?" Ah, so she _did_ notice...

"Well…" I turn to her gingerly. "They're big."

...She just turns to me, grinning, before moving to the door before us. Little did she know, they are all the same door!

With a tug, she begins to pull the the left of the double doors open…

Creaa~k…

Remilia has still left the annoying squeaking noise in. Good.

As the door opened, I was able to see Remilia's tea table, along with Remi a~nd… Eiki Shiki? This is a unique set of faces!

Following behind Maribel, I give them a wave. "Hello, friends!"

...Eiki and Remilia don't bother to look over at us, their eyes locked with one another's as they calmly sipped their tea.

Eiki lowered her teacup from her mouth. "I don't believe indiscriminate slaughter was part of the agreement. If you wish, we can have Yakumo here to iron out the deal anew. Further-"

"I told you!" Remilia barked back. "It was not by my hand! Besides…" She smirked at the judge. "You've not even received the souls."

...Eiki frowned. "And how would you know?"

"It's only been a few days." Remilia waved her hand leisurely. "Your oarswoman doesn't work that fast, I know."

...After giving her a skeptical stare, Eiki commented. "You guessed, didn't you?"

"Correctly." Remilia grinned. "Though I know not the real reason."

"...Fair enough." Eiki sighed. "However, this raises another issue about the importance of honesty in dealing and conversation."

...Remilia's grin slowly droops.

"Hehe~y!" I think now is a good time to interrupt their serious business! "I brought Yakumo!" I gesture to Maribel.

Both girls immediately whip their heads to face me.

Maribel blinks. "He-hey…"

…

"That-..." Remilia's not sure what to say about mini-Yukari.

...Eiki examines the both of us. "I think a lesson in honesty would do you two good, as well." O~h boy.

Moving up to the tea table, I take a seat. Since Remi and Eiki are sitting across from one another, Maribel and me gotta sit across from each other, too. Not a big table…

Maribel takes her seat next…

"Why have you brought a midget version of Yakumo?" Remilia questions me idly.

"She's friendly." I give good reasons.

Eiki comments, too. "...She may simply _look_ like her."

"She may simply look like a lot of things, the hag." Remilia smirks, and sips from her tea. "...Well, then." She addresses Maribel properly. "What is your name?"

...Maribel smiles. "Maribel."

"How old are you?" Remilia follows up casually.

"Twenty." Maribel supplies promptly. Woa~h, she's… older than me. Huh. I didn't necessarily suspect that!

...Remilia tilts her head back and forth. "Mmm… what are you on the outside?"

Maribel blinks back. "What do you mean?"

"Profession." Remilia clarifies. How did she know Merry was from outside? She's even got the mob cap!

"Well, I'm currently studying under a relative psychology major…" Maribel answers. "So I don't have a job _yet._ "

…

Eiki looks amused. "She certainly doesn't _sound_ like Yakumo."

"Give her time…" Remilia waves it off, before taking another sip of her tea.

Maribel places her suitcase and plant hanger on the table. That's not a bad idea, actually…! I place Swordbreaker on the table so I don't have to hold it, too.

Remilia just glances at the plant hangers, but doesn't comment, yet.

"Well, since introductions are settled…" Eiki clears her throat, and places her teacup on the table, letting go of it. "I'd like to inform you all about the merits of honesty, and trust in one another."

Setting down her own teacup, Remilia rests her head on her arms.

Maribel just looks like she doesn't know what to expect.

I rub my hands together. Ho ho ho…!

Eiki actually looks over at Maribel. "Even if you're of a clear conscience, it would be good to listen."

...I think that just confused Maribel even more.

"Whenever one utilizes deception in order to get what they want- be it a white lie or a scheme- there are moral properties being taken into question. Generally, many seem to be of the belief that lying is an acceptable means to an end for a whole variety of circumstances. This may promote a belief of lying in general being okay to be used as a tool."

...Okay. What, you sayin'-

"The Ministry of Right and Wrong places lying under the jurisdiction of poor actions. Though it as a sin pales in comparison to more heinous acts- murder, torture, so forth- it still is a permanent mark on one's soul. This is not to say that lying should not be taken under any circumstance, however. This brings me back to the 'means to an end' philosophy…

"Under the Ministry's logistics, a lie may only be recommended if the action would result in a greater good. This greater good, though I do not define it here, can be observed in section two-point-five A of the Ministry's Consumer Guidelines. To this end, means to an end is only of benefit when it is of genuine value, and not of value only to one's self.

"With all of that said, one should still avoid lying under any circumstance, as the mere action is of penalty to the soul, and can add up if an individual is not careful. Weight of the lie does alter the severity, however. It is of general good conduct overall to not lie, and keeping a clean record may even impress some in the Ministry."

...Eiki finally stops. She never even took a sip of tea during all of that, she just kept _talking_.

Remilia is now face-down on the tea table.

Eiki smiles, looking across us. "...Now, will the three of you promise to withhold your deceit?"

I blink. "I'd be lying if I said I would…!"

...Eiki slightly slouches because of my admission.

Maribel speaks up. "Uhm…"

This earns Eiki's attention.

"When you say… that people shouldn't lie," she brings a hand to her chin, "what about lies that occur subconsciously? Or those that are the fault of memory?"

...Eiki actually looks surprised she got a question. "That is a good question. The answer is, lies not born of intent only gain positive and negative weight from the result of them, and the gravity of the ignorance that accents them."

Shifting in her chair to face Eiki better, Maribel continues. "But- that implies you can quantify ignorance and impact. I'm… pretty sure that's not possible."

Eiki smiles at that. "In most cases, you would be right. This is not the case for the Ministry, however."

...Maribel gives her a skeptical grin, not following.

"Do you know what I am?" Eiki latches onto her teacup, and brings it up for a sip…

Maribel almost says something, but stops herself. For a moment, she looks away, before settling for indecision. "No~t… really?"

"I am a Yamaxanadu." Eiki informs her of her Yabadabadoo status. "I judge the souls of the dead."

Maribel raises her eyebrows, nodding. "...Oh."

Remilia springs up from the table, and leans back in her chair hard enough to push it a little. "Haa~h…"

…

"I wish _you_ were more engaged." Eiki verbally jabs the inattentive vampire. "Or should I repeat myself?" Oh, sweet lord no.

"Oh, no no no." Remilia suddenly sits up, waving her hands. "Yeah, yeah, lying's bad, don't lie, it's evil. Great. Will never lie again."

...Eiki sighed, slouching. "You lied just now."

"Does sarcasm count as lying?" Remilia smirks, grabbing her teacup again.

Eiki's brow twitches. "...Depending."

"A lot of things _depend_." Remilia wiggles back and forth a little, suddenly energized for some reason. "Take your lectures, for example. Their effectiveness depends on how much the listener _cares_."

Oof. Remilia's pokin' and proddin', yo…!

"...Perhaps I should speak of kindness, next." Eiki vainly ponders aloud. "You seem to lack in heart."

"Good." Remilia sits her teacup back down on the floral tea table. "If it was beating, _then_ I'd be worried."

Jesus, this tea break's like a rollercoaster!

...Things fall silent. It seems Eiki's finally had enough, for now.

"Can I get some tea?" Maribel requests.

"Certainly." Remilia snaps her fingers. "Sakuya~."

Sakuya exists next to her! "Yes, Mistress?" Her presence causes Maribel to double take.

"Tea for our guests, if you would." Remilia gives a quaint nod, not facing her.

In the next instance, there is tea before Maribel, and a, uh… a tome before me. Wat.

I point down at the tome. "Good tea."

Sakuya bows next to Remilia. "Anything else?"

"That will be all." Remilia smiles. "Good work as usual."

With that, Sakuya vaporizes. Ho ho!

…

I hold up the tome. "What the frik is this?"

The cover has some words, but they're in some WebDings shit. Freakin'...!

"Allow me." Eiki offers. "I'm required to be versed in a wealth of languages."

Including WebDings, huh? I hand the tome over to Eiki.

Within a moment, she gives me my answer just from the cover. "This is book on making juices. It references a world I'm pretty sure I can't pronounce." She slides the tome back over to me.

...Well, I guess that's close enough to tea. I'll just rip out the pages and dissolve them with my saliva.

I flip the book open to a random page-...

There's no text on these two pages, just a lot of black and red marks. Flipping to another page, I find it has actual text, but it's just more illegible runes and stuff.

...Closing the book, I shove it in my bag. That's going to the flea market!

"Plant hangers." Remilia notices Swordbreaker and Dreamcatcher.

"Yeah, yo." I grin. "Building my small armory of plant hangers."

"...I see." Remilia just stares at the hangers some more. "Her, as well?"

"Mmm." Maribel agrees. "It's actually pretty useful, for what it is. It'd be more useful if it were a sword, though." Honh.

…

I look over at Eiki, who had finished the last of her tea. " _Please_ don't blow up the roof again, yo. I still haven't lived that down…!"

Eiki cringes! "...I did not and will not plan such."

Remilia snorted. "Maybe that's _why_ it happened."

Almost immediately, Eiki stood up. "Well, with that, I believe I must continue my general survey of Gensokyo for this month. I appreciate you letting me stop by, miss Scarlet."

"My pleasure." Remilia gives her a shooing wave. "Take care, now."

"Our conversation about your… _ethic_ will be held another day." Moving out of her seat- and pushing it back in- Eiki begins to turn and move for the door-

-only for the door to open before she even gets there. Ha-chan walks in! "Hi, Brad-ku~n!"

"Yo~!" I wave at her! "Where the frik'd you come from?"

"I brought friends!" Ha-chan moves out of the doorway to let her friends i- what the fuck.

Three of the robbers from Fred's house walk in, looking pissed. How in the _hell_ did she get them over _here!?_

One guy with a doofy hat slips out his dagger and points it at me, completely ignoring the _yamaxanadu_ in the way. "She wasn't _lyin'!_ There he is, boys!"

Eiki just stands still, taken aback at the sudden development.

Remilia doesn't seem to react yet!

The guy begins running for the tea table. He stops briefly to freakin' skirt around Eiki politely for some reason, before resuming his dash.

I stand up, getting Swordbreaker ready! "Son, ya don't wanna do this! I know hanger-fu!"

The two other robbers march into the room, one with a bow and the other with like, combat gloves.

The guy with the dagger starts to round the table, and I start backing up…!

However, Eiki is suddenly between me and him. " _Halt._ "

The guy just tries to scoot around her again, but she moves in the way without actually moving any part of her body. Just freakin' slides around…!

"Hey, what the hell…" He glares at her. "You know who you're messin' with?"

"Yes." Eiki asserts! "A human who doesn't know his limits."

...He seems a little taken aback by that statement.

The archer and the gloved guy move up to take his side. Ho ho!

Maribel seems to have evacuated from her seat, and moved somewhere between where I'm standing and where Remilia's calmly sitting.

...The archer begins to back up a bit, while the other two stabby-punchy guys just strafe backwards slowly.

"...You must be the youkais who own this mansion, huh?" Dagger guy smirks, keeping a ready posture as he backs up.

I expect Remilia to speak up, but she doesn't.

Eiki steps forward. "That is none of your concern. What should be concerning you three right now is what exactly you plan to be doing here."

The gloved guy slams his fists together! "Yeah. Get outta the way."

...Nope. Eiki is not intimidated!

The guy walks up to Eiki, and stands in her face. She stares back.

…

Thunk!

The archer's arrow hit the floor, near no one in particular. "Shit…" Good job. Did you hold it ready and like, down? Was he plannin' a sneak attack?

Gloved guy goes to shove Eiki.

She doesn't budge at all…!

Undeterred, he tries again, with more force. It's about as effective as the first time.

...His expression flares, and he reels his arm back, before bringing it forward-

Bam!

Eiki's Rod of Remorse blocks it. "Sin of assault, five hundred strikes, fifty pounds." Aw, shieut, yo…!

A pillar of light briefly envelops her, light traveling from the floor into her weapon. Then, she swings it forward-

 _Bam!_

The burly gloved dude is thrown across the room, sliding on his back from the downward strike. "Guah…!?"

The dagger guy's expression flares, too! "You~ _shmuck!_ " ...He doesn't approach, though.

Thunk!

...Eiki looks down at the wooden arrow lodged in her clothing. She takes a hand off of the Rod of Remorse- which she was holding like a broadsword- to remove it.

"Hmm. This would be a good time to demonstrate what tools the Ministry has available." Eiki gives them both a hint and a veiled threat!

The gloved guy's getting back up, and moving towards her again. Does he really think this is still possible…? "Grrh…"

Dagger guy reaches into a pocket on his coat, and takes out a potion. "Bruce!" Tossing it into the air, it appears again as a drop of liquid over the burly bum named Bruce.

It splashes over Bruce, healing him! "Mmh." Bruce was mister combat gloves, by the way.

Eiki's clothes seem to be blown by a mysterious wind, and she glows slightly for a moment.

Fwa-Fwash! Two large, diamond-shaped icicles generate along her sides, and after they initialize, a complex magical circle is drawn in the center of each. Smaller icicles begin orbiting them after they initialize as well!

Kroo~m, kroo~m. Two large, sandstone monoliths erupt from the manor floor. They're inscribed with illegible runes, but it feels weird to look at them for some reason…

Fwoo-Fwoo-Fwash! The icicles around one of the floating ice diamonds orbit faster, and the diamond itself glows white.

Suddenly, a miniature snow storm envelops the archer.

Fwash! He's frozen solid by it instantly…!

The icicles around the other ice diamond position themselves in front of the diamond base...

Fwoash! They create a cyan, magical barrier composed of many smaller squares. The squares all divide to cover the monoliths, the other ice diamond, and Eiki.

Woa-woa-woa-woash. A series of cross-shaped magical circles bloomed out of one of the monoliths. Seconds later, all of Eiki's stuff and Eiki herself were protected by transparent shields of light.

Woa-woash. The other monolith like, _flickered_. Its entire form was pure white for a moment as it almost ceased to exist for a moment, or something-

Foa-foa-thwash! Series of eruptions of blue plasma erupted on the crook's side of the battle, instantly immersing them in blue electricity. Bruce and dagger guy fell to the floor, locked up by the electricity.

Kra~ck! The archer was blown out of the ice by the electricity, seemingly knocked out cold. Or dead. I don't think Eiki would murder, though.

...With that, Eiki has successfully blown away the crooks with a disproportionate amount of power!

...Remilia gave a golf clap.

Ha-chan slowly skirts her away around the edge of the room…

Foa-woah. The other monolith flickers, and Ha-chan is struck by a series of scattered thunderbolts.

Thwa-thwa-thwash! "Ah-aahn…" She drops to her knees, overwhelmed by the sensation. "Wa- wo~w…"

She flops over with a _very_ pleased look on her face. Aww.

…

"Well, now this seems rather disproportionate…" Eiki looked over the powerful mooks she summoned…

The monoliths promptly retracted back into the floor, shattered wood and shredded carpet moving to cover up their exit. The icicles just up and vaporized, or something.

"You owe me for that carpet." Remilia spoke up from her seat.

Eiki gave an offhand reply as she moved to leave. "Sorry. You may bill the Ministry; the direct retribution towards criminals is covered. I'll send you their contact information."

...Remilia nodded, satisfied. "Very well. Be brisk, yes?"

As Eiki moved to leave, she stopped before the criminals…

Cli-cli-click!

Three white and blue rings generated in the air, one for each guy. They hovered above the men, though if they were standing they'd probably be floating at each man's midsection.

A line generated between each ring, connecting them all together. One final line stretched to Eiki, and went into her torso.

She began walking, and the three stunlocked and/or unconscious men were smoothly pulled along behind her, without any hands-on interaction needed. That's pretty handy…!

…

Once she was out of the room, Remilia exhaled, still relaxing in her seat. "Fi~nally. That yama's always such a _bore_."

"I have no idea what's going on." Maribel admitted, meandering towards the tea table again... "It's pretty cool looking, though."

...Grinning, Remilia stood up with vigor. "So! Maribel, yes?"

Maribel stopped, looking over Remilia. "...Yeah?"

"I am Remilia Scarlet, the mistress of this manor." Remilia's features adopted a devilish grin. "If you are not Yakumo… why, exactly, have you come here at such a time?"

...Maribel gestures to me. "He was giving me a tour."

I wave. "Hi, name's Paul Solomon from Solomon 'n' Sons."

...Remilia's features become slightly more stale. "Oh. So he has." Honh. "Well… since you're here, you may as well entertain me."

Maribel moved around the table to reclaim Dreamcatcher. "...In what way?"

"Those stupid plant hangers of yours." Remilia began walking towards the center of the room, her arms folded. "Show me something new and interesting."

Ho ho! "We _got you_ , yo."

Holding up Swordbreaker, I advance towards her!

Maribel blinked at my actions, watching silently…

Once I got to Remilia, I raised my hanger, and bonked her in the head.

Thunk!

"Wh-what…?" Maribel was surprised by the violence!

Remilia didn't react, like, at all. "...That was probably the weakest you've ever hit me."

Yeah, a dark elemental hanger is probably not all that effective on vampires. My already pathetic damage was probably freakin' halved or worse…!

I gesture for Maribel to come help. "Give her a good whack, yo!"

...She looks uncertain, but Remilia's fortitude seems to have convinced her to humor my request.

Hesitantly raising Dreamcatcher, she approaches Remilia, and whacks her in the head with a motion similar to mine.

Thunk!

Fwoom. A talisman seal generates on Remilia's mob cap.

"...That was four times as powerful as his, about." Remilia tilted her head back and forth, still unaffected. "What is this seal…?"

Is floating a spell? "Try to fly, yo." I grin at her…

...Remilia jumps about two feet, before landing loudly. "What…!?" She looks at her hands. "...It disables flying?"

"Try to summon Gungnir." Syphoning is a fun status.

Remilia raises her hand, but nothing happens. "...Seriously? Divine Spear, Spear the Gungnir!"

...Nothing happens when she announces her spell card.

Her eyes widen, and she starts to get angry. "What… did that _do!?_ "

The seal promptly drifted off of her head, and her body instantly began crackling with scarlet energy. "Hmm…!?"

"I think it syphons ya." I provide what I know of the status effect. "It's a holy status that makes ya unable to use spells!"

"Why is that bound to a _plant hanger!?_ " Remilia demands! Then, she points at Maribel. "Where did you obtain that?"

"...Flu-fluffles." Maribel backs up a little…!

...Remilia's gaze falls. "Of course."

She floats into the air, folding her arms again.

Shi~ng! A reflective, scarlet barrier generates over the door out of the throne room. Uh…?

I gesture to the door. "Why didja, uh…?"

"Duel." Remilia requests bluntly.

...Wat.

...Maribel doesn't know what to do with that request, either, so she settles for looking like she has no idea what to do.

"You heard me." Remilia smirks at us, 'sitting' in the air. "You shall demonstrate your weapons to me by using them on one another."

Hmm~. If Maribel syphons me, I'd be limited to whacking stuff.

"Do-..." Maribel looks at her unsurely. "Do we have to?"

"Yes." Remilia responds. "Or you will not leave here."

...Maribel looks at me, still unsure.

I give her a thumbs up! "It's cool, yo. I'm burly."

Maribel snorted. "You don't look like it…" _Son_. You're not wrong, but oof.

Stashing Swordbreaker, I pull out Tundra Bloomer halfway just to buff myself. Filling it with mana, I feel myself get pumped up…!

"Alright…" Slipping it away, I consider my options. What would be the most unobtrusive way to debuff Maribel into oblivion?

...I take Swordbreaker back out. It supposedly lowers attack on impact, but I don't exactly know what that _means_. Since I don't have any spells with it, getting syphoned into oblivion shouldn't matter.

…

"Any _day_ now." Remilia urges us to stop staring at each other.

Maribel reluctantly moves towards me with Dreamcatcher held ready. "Sorry about this…"

I step towards her casually. "Hug."

...She blinks. "What?"

"Gimme a hug, yo." I spread my arms!

...She glances at Remilia, who doesn't seem to provide any feedback. "Oh-... okay?"

Stepping towards me, she lets me embrace her, but doesn't necessarily embrace back.

Like this, I pat her on the back firmly with Swordbreaker a bunch!

"Uh-uhm…" She furrows her brows, confused even further. "Okay."

"This is a _nice_ hug, yo." I nod enthusiastically! "You're freakin' cuddly."

...I receive no reply.

The firm patting continues until Maribel decides to jab me in the gut with Dreamcatcher.

However, I hardly even feel it! I let go anyway, though.

Fwoom. A talisman seal generates on my stomach. I've been syphoned! I don't feel any different, though.

"...Don't say things like that." Maribel gives me a neutral look. "It's even creepier coming from you." Aaa~h!

Remilia stifles a giggle. Freakin'...!

...Reaching up, I try to tug the talisman from myself. It doesn't budge at all. Didn't think that would work!

"Give me a good whack!" I request an attack! "You see, my strength has increased tenfold from the power of snuggles!" ...Reality is, I think those firm pats of Swordbreaker debuffed her attack down to nothing!

At the mention of snuggling, Maribel marches towards me, takes a moment to consider a place to hit, and decides to whack me in the arm.

Thunk! I moved a _little_ , but it didn't do much. Is this how every tanky touhou I hit feels? Yo~...

Fwoom. I was sealed summore, another talisman forming on my arm.

"...I'm not that weak?" Maribel looks mystified. "Or… are you actually strong?"

I shake my head. "Not really. I-"

"He debuffed your ability to physically attack, by about half." Remilia interrupted me. "Furthermore, his own defense and physical attack has been increased by about three tenths."

"...Yeah." I nod. She even gave numbers! "What she said!"

"...Huh." Maribel looks intrigued. "Just like an RPG?"

"Ye." With that, I stash Swordbreaker, not needing it for now, even if it gave a slight defense up passively or something. "...That's about it for my new stuff." I'm lying, but most of my new things are more utilitarian than actually offensive.

"She has more hangers, does she not?" Remilia begins to drift back down…

Maribel takes a moment to reply. "...I have a regular iron one. That's about it."

"...How droll." Remilia stretches an arm to her side-

Fwi~sh! The barrier over the door lifts.

"You two bore me." Remilia began drifting towards the door. "Do as you may- just don't break anything."

Ho ho!

With that, Remilia left us alone in the throne room.

…

We are silent. Oh no.

I begin marching towards Remi's throne. I wonder if there's any cool stuff around it?

"You know…" Maribel slowly followed me as I moved across the room. "I was with a friend, when I came here."

Buddy ol' pal Renko, was it? I know that much!

Nearing the throne, I crouch. The underside is solid, so there can't be anything under it.

"Where would we look to find her?" Maribel asked me. "I can't go back without her, and I want to make sure she's fine here."

"Pro~bably the human village." I guess. If she wound up in somewhere like Heaven or Old Hell, then freakin'... good game, yo. Not gonna find her for another twenty million chapters!

Let's see~... behind Remilia's throne, there i~s…

A fluffle, picking up and dropping some kinda dark stone repeatedly. "honh honh honh honh"

"Dude." I speak to it. "You're _sniffable._ "

...It looks up at me, and holds up the dark stone. "look look what i found"

...Maribel peered behind the throne from the other side, gazing down at the fluffle.

I reach down and try to take the dark stone, but the fluffle tugs it away and shields it with its tubby body. "no friend i love it"

Aggressively, I shoot my hand in and take the stone. The fluffle latches to my hand, and starts trying to gnaw on my kimono's sleeve with its shell nose.

"huhuhuhuhuhu" The fluffle makes demented noises…!

I bring my arm to my face, and start nudging the fluffle off with my own nose. Ho ho, ho ho…!

"What are you doing…?" Maribel's expression becomes vain.

After a moment of nuzzling the fluffle, I am successful in getting it off my arm! "friend no" It falls to the floor, and starts scurrying around…

...I look over the dark stone I've obtained. One side of it has a deep, red gash that slightly glows. The rest is just rock.

Shoving it into my bag, I look over at Maribel. "That was fluffy."

She snorts, progressing towards the door. "I'm sure it was."

...I move to catch up with her! "We headin' to the village now?"

"Yeah." Maribel asserts. "I wanna see if my friend's there."

Picking up in pace, we leave Remilia's room.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 56

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I _would_ like to know where it actually _puts_ all my stuff though...

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! May cast Flash, an attack that blinds; works best on darkness elementals and youkai. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can cast Gust. By the addition of a steel block, its attack and magic attack increased slightly. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites stuff on impact. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle, allowing the user to cast Flamethrower Plus! Allows the user to cast Fume.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Can produce limitless fresh water. Boosts the power of water skills. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style; physical attack increased, physical defense lowered. User bleeds out faster. Can cast Revenge, an attack that increases in power the lower the user's health is. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to let it cut!

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Lowers defense slightly. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger is slightly electric and holy elemental. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy...

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Seventy-five percent time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out what they are…

Toasty Yuki-onna Kimono - Best winter clothing twenty fifteen. Fifty percent ice and freezing resistance, but _negative_ fifty percent fire and burning resistance!

Forty thousand, two hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!

Seven Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Five Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on _debuffs_ , though...

WebDings Book about Foreign Juices - Wahaha! This better fetch a price on the market!

Dark Stone - I dunno what it is, but it looks cool. Probably something I can slap to one of my dark weapons!

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I _really_ have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

Maribel Hearn, the University Student

WEAPON: Dreamcatcher - A holy hanger. May cast Talisman Seal on impact. Casts Talisman Seal with certain skills. Boosts the power of holy skills. Grants fifty percent resistance to syphoning and cursing.

INVENTORY:

Little White LED - A lil lightbulb that _blinks…!_ Currently held in her pocket, 'cause it's tiny.

[Suitcase] - Holds her _stuff_. Gives five inventory spaces!

Things, Probably Paperwork - She's got all sorts of cool things, yo. None of them help in a survival situation, though…!

Cast-Iron Plant Hanger - A sturdy plant hanger made of solid metal.

[one space remaining]

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

ho ho

showing maribel around the place! also got some NEW EQUIPS and an UPGRADE yo

koi and koakuma are cuddly

debuffs and statuses are fun, and syphon is a PRETTY POWERFUL status in gensokyo

interestingly syphon and silence are pretty much the same status except one is holy and the other is moon

maribel is not quite as INSANE as i am which makes for INTERESTING DYNAMICS

aah

anyway this chapter was pretty fun to write; yet another showing of the SDM cast, got the three friks in, so forth… and molested maribel a bunch!

i dont got a lot else to say about this chapter 'cause it was pretty straight forward . w .

oh yeah, eiki and her freakin' ANCIENT MONOLITHS that can cast POWERFUL ELECTRIC ATTACKS and give friends shields of light that halve incoming damage

every three attacks they charge up and shoot master sparks / hyper beams, too, which DISPEL and deal ELECTRIC DAMAGE

as always, see you all next time!


	71. Really Custom Customization

(in which we put our excess funds to work yo)

"Visit again sometime!" Meiling gives us a brief wave from aside the beige brick wall as we exit the manor…

"Sure thing!" Maribel gives a curt wave back.

We are currently heading out for the human village! The sun has not yet begun to set, but only barely. I kinda wanna stop at Alice's too, because I have a lot of fun things and I also now have the money to throw at her services.

I might also owe her something, but I forget. I'm sure out of the forty thousand yen I still have left, I got enough to pay it off.

Once we're a good distance away from the manor gates, Maribel begins the conversation! "Gensokyo's really pretty, isn't it?"

Ho ho. "Yeah, the visuals are almost always pretty freakin' stylized and saturated over here. Even on rainy days!"

It doesn't take too long for us to reach the lake… the way the sun's draped over everything is _awesome_. Like a good ol' summer barbeque, yo, except fifty or sixty degrees colder.

At the shore nearest the path to the Scarlet Devil Mansion, I see Wakasagihime in the water right before the lake's rim, playing with a-a… I dunno what to call that. It's tubby, though.

"Oo~h…!" Maribel recognizes how fluffy it looks, too! "A capybara!"

A capybara! ...What the _frik_ is a capybara?

...The capybara turns to us. Well, I say that, but it's more like it faced the side of its head towards us…

It's like a big tubby mouse! It doesn't have a tail, though, which is weird. It looks _wise_ , dude...

"Oh, hey!" Wakasagihime looks up at us! "How're you guys?"

Maribel focuses on her, eyes widening. "Wo-woah! A mermaid, too…!?"

...The capybara turns around, walks into the water, and begins floating in it. It can _swim_ , too!

Wakasagihime smiles patiently. "Oh, I'm a mermaid? I didn't notice."

"Eheh…" Grinning, Maribel follows up. "Sorry. It's just… I didn't expect to see a mermaid around a lake."

"Aah…" Wakasagihime glances at the lake. "Gensokyo doesn't have a lot for bodies of water. This is pretty much the biggest one."

"Is that so…?" Intrigued, Maribel gazes out at the lake as well, moving her arms behind her back. That freakin'... inquisitive pose. "It must be hard, then…"

"Not really." Waving her hand, Wakasagihime smiled at Maribel. "I've grown up in these waters, and it's not so bad. I'm also not completely incapable of travel, but this is where my home is."

As one of the few waterbound youkai in the lake area, Wakaflakadingdong probably has a freakin' _ton_ of elbow room beneath the lake's surface…

"Anyway, we've gotta get going before the sun sets." Maribel gives Wakafreakin'-hard-to-type-name a wave. "It was nice meeting you, mermaid friend!"

"Have a nice night." Wakasagihime waves back at us. The capybara slowly drifts up behind her, and she turns around in time to pet it. "Hehehe~..."

Freakin' capybara, dude. I wonder if they fall under Nazrin's jurisdiction? They _look_ like mice, kinda.

"Don't drown, yo!" I give the mermaid some advice!

...She gives me a dry glance before looking back at the capybara. Hyonk.

...Maribel's also giving me a dry- albeit somewhat amused- stare. "Just had to say something, huh?"

"I can't _help it_ , yo. It's in my nature- part of the family _bloodline_." Yeah, I dunno where I'm goin' with this one…!

"Mmm…" She nods idly as we continue around the lake shore.

From here, I see Wakasagihime and the capybara go further into the water, Waka-aauugh herself submerging entirely as the capybara swims at surface level…

…

Halfway around the lake, I bring up some stuff I wanna bring up. "When we get to the path towards the village, I wanna detour into that forest to the right for a moment."

"Why's that?" Maribel asks.

"I know a tailor-blacksmith-puppetmaster extraordinaire." I inform her. "She lives out in the wildlands, yo. Among the giga-fluffles and the _deadly touch_ spider girls."

Maribel snorts. " _Deadly touch_ spider girls?"

I nod. "Deadly touch spider girls, yo. Only the worst kind of spider girl."

…

It's not terribly long before we get to the Hakurei path, although it is now actually sunset. We better haul some ass…!

"Alright, so…!" I clap my hands together! "At night, things suck exponentially more than during day time. So we better haul some _ass_." I've got my hands together… now to put them up my ass-

"Okay?" Maribel stares at me blankly.

I begin running off the path, towards the magic forest! "Follow me, yo! We gotta truck it!"

"He-hey…!" She half-runs after me!

Bookin' it, bookin' it, bookin' it…!

We quickly get into the magic forest proper, and I'm forced to slow to a brisk power walk so as to not eat shit because of all the branches and roots and stuff…

Goin' in deep, yo. Within two minutes or so of walking, the sky's far darker than normal 'cause of the trees. Not that we can see that much of the sky; the magic forest is surprisingly dense at the best of times, even in winter.

"Oo~h? What is _this…?_ "

From a tree before us, a spider girl with blue hair and accents drops down from above! She's hangin' upside down on some _blue_ string, too. "A little couple, lost in the woods? How _adorable_."

Reachin' into my bag, I take out Swordbreaker! "She thinks we're a bunch of _doors!_ "

"Wh-what…!?" Maribel is slightly winded from keeping up with me!

The spider girl just blinks. "...Ah. Well, in any case-"

"Throw yourself at the enemy!" I announce our battle strategy as I run at the spider girl with reckless abandon!

"Ahuhuhu~!" She retracts herself back into the tree before I can get close enough. Why I oughta, yo~...

Reaching into my bag, I take a moment to awkwardly draw Tundra Bloomer, just for that sweet sweet physical strength buff, yo…

I shake my fist up at where she retreated. "You'll not open these _doors_ today, son! Some doors aren't _meant_ to be opened!"

To our side, the spider drops down from the tree, landing on her many legs. She's givin' me a _look_ , but keeps talking like I said nothing. "Who do I eat _first…?_ "

With my one-armed grip on it, I stab Tundra Bloomer into the floor, channeling mana into it…

Fwooo~...

An earthy, green magical circle generates at the spider girl's position. Once it fully initializes… not a lot happens.

"A-aah…?" The force that's normally applied isn't, for some reason. She does get drowsy, though!

Maribel raises Dreamcatcher! "Ea- _eat?_ What, u~h… do you mean by 'eat'?"

Dropping Tundra Bloomer outright, I hold Swordbreaker ready as I begin progressing towards the spider girl…

"...Yes." It takes a moment for her to shake off the drowsiness. "Eat. You two look delicious."

She turns to me. "Don't think I don't see you, boy." ...I mean, I wasn't trying _that_ hard to be sneaky. "I guess you'll be first." With that, she holds her hand out, and a white magical circle generates. Then, she presses on it.

Bubbles erupt from under me!

Po-po-po-pop! Once they wash around me, they pop into water and completely freakin' drench me.

Good attack. I am now soaked, and cold. Moving faster from the sudden sensation, I get next to the spider girl and start dragging Swordbreaker against her individual legs.

Ti-ti-ti-ti-tick! Time to rack up that physical attack down debuff!

"What are you even _doing…?_ " She smirks at my actions. "Oh, well." Her nails on her right arm extend, and her grin suddenly becomes unnaturally ecstatic.

Reeling my arm back, I suddenly give one leg a good whack!

Thunk!

" _Hnh!_ " She lunges forward with her claws, and hits my arm.

"Gah…" My kimono rips slightly, and my arm gets cut up, but that's probably a lot better than whatever original strength she had.

There're now three scratches on my arm, and they're bleedin' a bit… but surprisingly not terribly painful. They hurt, but not like paper cut hurt, just generally. Weird shit.

Maribel's suddenly at her side, too! "Sto-stop!"

Thunk! She slams Dreamcatcher into one of the spider girl's legs, too.

Fwoom. A talisman generated where she struck, sealing the spider's magic!

"Hehehe…" Bringing her back pod up, the spider girl slammed it into the ground behind herself. Nothing happened as a result, though. "...What?"

Leaning forward with Swordbreaker, I slam it into her butt pod thing! Thunk!

"Cut that _out._ " Turning to me, she lashes out with her arm, bashing it into me to knock me away.

Whack! Instead of launching me, I just get staggered by the blow. I'm _still_ gonna feel that tomorrow morning…!

Thunk! Maribel smacks another leg with her hanger.

Fwoom. In doing so, she applies another layer of syphoning to the spider girl.

"You pest…" Turning away from me, she focuses on Maribel. "If you wanna die _that_ badly…"

She swings her right arm at Maribel. Maribel tries to block it, only to get pushed so hard by the motion that she was knocked onto her back. "Aa-ah…!" Oof. I kinda forgot she's not got the buff I do! Provided, mine's not game-changing, but it helps me not get thrown around like a ragdoll.

As she advances towards Maribel for more shenanigans I grab onto her pod butt thing. "Yo, yo! Yo!"

"Grh…" She is now annoyed. Freakin'- you know what? Maybe I should upgrade Swordbreaker before I main it summore. Physical debuffing's pretty great, but once it's all applied I should really think about something more elementally appropriate…

Reaching into my bag- and pocketing Swordbreaker- I take out Flame Salvo.

Backing away from the spider girl, I let her turn to me properly. She gives me a _sneer_. "Your struggling only makes me _hungrier,_ human."

...I jerk myself forward, only for her to jerk her claw forward a little. Reeling my arm back, I toss Flame Salvo at her instead of going in for a melee attack.

Thunk! It bounces off of her shoulder. "Gah…"

Fwoom! She is now on fire!

...Despite this, she grins. "Fire? Hehehe…"

The flames pretty promptly die out. Aah, _water_ spider… she's flame retardant.

Freakin'... I take out Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber. "Alright, son. You're askin' for it!"

"Heh." She brandishes both sets of nail claws! "Give up, already. All this struggling does neither of us any-"

While she's taunting, I toss my bomb hanger at her!

Boom! It up 'n' explodes on impact!

"Gufah!?" She's staggered by the blast!

While she stumbles back, Maribel- who's gotten back up while me and spidey duked it out- gives a good whack to the spider's butt pod.

Fwoom! "Ow!" As the talisman generates- and an old one falls off- the spider girl begins to turn around towards Maribel… "You two are getting on my _nerves!_ "

Reaching into my bag, I take out Sharper than Darkness. Yeah, time to actually use this thing!

Running up to the spider girl, I swing it at her side-

Shink! It cuts into her torso's side.

" _Ouch!_ " She swings her arm on impulse, slamming me away.

"Aah…" I've still got my hanger, though.

"You know what?" The spider girl begins to scurry off, a little bit of blood flowing out of the stab wound I gave her from Sharper than Darkness. "Screw it! You _suck!_ Have fun being food for one of my _sisters!_ "

Wow. We annoyed her until she gave up!

Within moments, the spider girl was obscured by the foliage, her frustrated spider-stomps fading...

…

"Wo~w…" Maribel exhaled, looking somewhat disheveled. "Guess all these hangers actually come in handy, huh?"

I grin. "Yeah. Now help me pick 'em up, yo, before we get ganked by more freakin' demonic spiders." Off into the hazy magic forest draw distance fog…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Briskly walking! We've found a pseudo-path which I kinda-sorta remember as leading to Alice's house. It's not usually difficult to find, anyway…

"Hehehe~!" Bubbles float over our heads, generated by freakin' water fairies who are tailing us from the foliage above.

Maribel is behind me, recently soaked. "I-it's… so-so cold…"

Oh, yeah, she has no cold resistance like I do. Aaa~h!

"We're almost there!" If we're not almost there, I'm gonna feel like an asshole.

After rounding a few burly trees-

Yo ho ho! We made it to the… back side of Alice's house. Good enough. Dunno how we got that far off track, but that works.

A water fairy dashes right ahead of us, but out of arm's reach. "Hey, hey! Isn't water great!?"

Too much water! Two outta ten, IGN!

…

She's still freakin' floating there, looking pleased. I hold up a finger. "Son-"

Kroo~m. A tiny rock spike juts out of some roots off of our actual path, drawing my attention.

" _Darn_ it!" An earth fairy deflates in disappointment...

...Oh, right, I've also still got London. Not summoned, but she's still alive somewhere. She- it took off back when Shinki came to meet with us, I think…

Reaching into my bag, I draw the operating cross and put a tiny bit of mana into it to tell London to come save our asses from the pesky fairies.

…

After a moment, diamond-shaped danmaku rains in from above, London arriving on the scene.

Pi-pi~chun! The earth and water fairies were annihilated instantly.

"O-oh…?" Maribel is dazzled by the sudden lights. "What's even going _on…?_ "

"Magic." I assure her. "Fuckery. Tomfoolery." We hobble out of the foliage, and walk far more leisurely around the house. Alice's yard is well maintained! "...Tomfuckery."

"Fr-freaking…" She stares at me tiredly, her shoulders shaking. "Aren't you cold?"

We're now at the front of the house… "Not particularly!"

Reaching the front door, I kick it. Bam! It doesn't open, but yeah.

"Re-really, now…" Maribel hugs herself, shivering. Her arms are slightly impeded by having a suitcase and a plant hanger out...

"Yeah, yo." I grin at her. The sun's pretty much almost down now, so the real youkai will soon be a' prowlin'...!

…

The door slowly swings open. "I'm busy…" Alice looks over us. "...Oh, great."

"Yo ho ho!" I wave at her!

...Just as she's about to close the door, I stick my foot in the way. "I got money."

She opens it all the way. "Come on in." Money talks, son.

On the inside, Alice briskly moves back to her back counter, numerous dolls working with parts and things.

Maribel gazes at the sight curiously, before shivering again.

Freakin'... I start to take off my yuki-onna robe. "Y'know what, put this on, for now."

"O-oh?" She blinks. "No, I'm okay. Just… wet." Son, that phrasing.

...I've also got nothing under this kimono.

"Hey, Alice!" I decide to ask her permission! "Can I walk around your house in my skivvies?"

All the dolls over the counter suddenly freeze, and she turns towards me with a perplexed look. "Wh-what? Why?"

"I need to give this chilly friend my warm robe!" I gesture to Maribel.

"N-no, uhm…" Said chilly friend gives a weak objection. "Hi."

...Promptly, some dolls clad in red float from the shelves, holding little vent cannons. That's new.

Vrrr~! They make a hair dryer esque noise as they orbit around us, blowing warm air…

"Oo-oo~h…" Maribel relaxes, her eyes fluttering shut as she takes in the warm air.

I refasten my kimono. No running around in my skivvies today, yo.

London drifts in the door behind us, absentmindedly swinging its lance up and down…

"Oh, you still use that doll I made you…" Alice looked it over. "How is she?"

"Tiny." I give her a very assuring look. "Makes a good night light! 'Cause lemme tell ya, she sure lights shit up during night!" ...Technically my nap was during the day, but y'know, same premise.

"...I'm not going to ask what that means." Alice turns back around, and the dolls with cloths, parts, tools, and a myriad of other fun constructive stuff resume work over her entire back counter. On what? I really got no clue; I think Alice is working on like, ten different things at once right now. "Did you come over to bother me, or to mooch off of me?"

I raise a finger. "A'right yo, y'see, I came ta _buy_."

"Trade." Alice corrects.

"Nuh uh." I shake the finger! "Purchase _services_. With _premium currency_."

...She gives me a curious glance. "...Really?"

"Excuse me, but…" Maribel speaks up once she is adequately dried off by the blow dryer dolls. She's got an arm on her hat to keep it from getting annihilated! "What am I looking at?"

Alice looks over at her, smiling. "Oh, just work. I've recently fallen behind on the designs I've wished to create for the village's fashion lineups, so I'm working on those right now."

...There sure are a lot of things floating in the air right now. Some shirts, some skirts… a single boot.

Also, a sword.

"That for village fashion?" I point at the sword, which two cyan-dressed dolls are apparently lathering some kinda weird liquid on…

"Oh?" Alice looks up at it. "Oh, no. I just felt like making a sword."

Oh, good. You're about as prioritized as I am on a productive day…!

Maribel yawns. "Haa~h…"

...Alice gives her a cynical look. "I take it you've seen many amazing things today?"

"Yeah, actually…" Maribel blinks some tiredness outta her eyes. "I've been awake for… awhile now."

"Oh." Alice points at the door to the guest room. "Guest beds are in there, knock yourself out."

"Don't mind if I do…" Maribel meanders off towards the guest bedroom without a second thought. Musta been freakin' tired! I dunno how long she's been awake for, though. She did arrive at like, early dawn and stay up until freakin' dusk.

"So…" Alice looks over at me, her arms behind her back. "Who's your friend, and how many doll masters has she seen before?"

Alice seems to be salty about her yawning…! "Maribel." I inform her. "She was an immigrant from the appalachian mountains. She recently came to Gensokyo to avenge the death of her parents at the hands of toenail bandits."

"...Okay." Alice doesn't emote. "I'll have to ask her later, then." Wahaha! "Any particular reason she's dressed like Yukari?"

"Nope. None at all. Complete coincidence." I move towards the table, and slowly crouch behind it. "It's the deep state, dude. Globalist conspiracy…!"

...Alice rolls her eyes in a rather pronounced way! "I _see_. Well, then… is there anything you came to ask for?"

I stand fully. "Oh, yeah. Give me a moment to consider, yo. Can I use this table?" I pat on her main table, which is curiously devoid of much but an empty bowl.

"If you mean take it, no." Alice assures the safety of the table. "You may also not demolish it, or turn it into a different entity."

...I tilt my head. "That happen before?"

"I could give you the full list I gave Marisa if you want." Alice remarks bluntly.

"I'm cool." Time to put _stuff_ on this table…!

Let's see…

Reaching into my bag… I take out Remilia's outfit. Mob cap, skirt, and top! Way too small to fit me… but I wonder if I could get it _fused_ with something?

"Yo, Alice…" I wonder. "Can ya tell me what this outfit's stats are?" Time to RPG it up, son.

Alice turns away from her work, and looks at the table. "...Where did you get _Remilia's_ clothes from?"

"We became lovers." I nod at her. "Sorry, yo, but she's mine. Unless you're fine with sharing…!"

...Alice shakes her head as she progresses towards the table. Once at it, she moves around my side and rests her hands on the fabric, looking the materials over…

"...Hmm." She gives it a good once-over, twice-over, thrice-over… "Each piece is twenty-five percent dark resistant. Give or take a bit..."

Ah, yes, darkness. The element everything does.

"It also gives about… thirty percent curse resistance, overall." Alice reveals, before standing upright again, taking her hand off the clothes. "Ten percent per article."

Wait. Idea. "Can you… add resistances to clothes?"

...She swings her head around a little. "Kinda. Depends on my materials."

Wait. I just realized… I've got a bottle of butterfly dream pills in my bag. Doesn't Alice need- rather, want- these?

Keeping that in mind, I thought of fun resistances…

Fire resistance? If I maxed that, I could have Mokou brush my teeth with fire! Ho ho!

Water? I forget how drowning works relative to water resistance… and how much that would suck. Eeh.

Earth? Who even uses non-physical earth magic? Other than me, sometimes?

Wind… I'd be immune to Kanako tossing me like a ragdoll. That's a rather nuanced resistance, though…

Poison. I've yet to be poisoned, so uh…

I could increase my ice resistance, which is already at like fifty percent with the kimono on. I could just stack that higher and make it possible to hug yuki-onna whenever I want. Ho ho!

That, or elaborate on that darkness resistance. Nothing I know really _uses_ that, though…

"Can you protect against status effects?" I grin at Alice.

She's back at her rear counter, working on stuff again. "Mmm. I have less materials for that, though."

...Maximum _tired resistance_ , dude! Know no sleep!

"Instant death resistance." I request.

"...Nothing." Alice replies after a moment's hesitation. "I don't have anything like that." Yeah, sure…

Electric resistance. Dude- if I maxed that, I could deepthroat live power cords like that one fairy! That, and Ha-chan could heal me if I put that stuff over max…

Chances are, getting anything I don't already have some numbers in to one hundred percent would cost me a pretty penny. It's a fun thing to consider, though...

"How much would fifty percent ice resistance cost?" I ask.

...Alice looks over at me. "Thinking about improving that kimono? Well, I'd say… ten thousand yen, yes. You can do that, right?"

"Yeah, I can do that." Moving to sit, I make summore requests. "...Also, can you merge Remilia's stuff into it? And also make it _camouflage?_ "

"Twenty thousand." Alice bumps the price up, looking back at her rear counter. "You imply that I am a miracle worker."

...Reaching into my bag, I take out the money sack, and dig through it…

She makes an offhand comment while I skim. "The camo doesn't cost anything, but I'm charging a little for it anyway as a bad taste tax."

Son.

Anyway, I take out twenty thousand yen! "Got the funds, yo."

...Alice turns around, and looks at the money.

…

Quickly, she steps over to the table again, and looks at the money as I set it down.

"That's…" Quickly, she looks over at it, and sifts through it a little. "... _Twenty thousand_ yen. Where on _earth_ did _you_ get twenty thousand yen?"

"I sold myself on the street…" I look down at the floor. "S'not something I'm proud of, yo…!"

She snorts. "Well, all's well that ends well, then. Apparently I'm a miracle worker, now. I'll have it done tomorrow morning… I'll just be needing your kimono."

I begin slipping it off. "Alright, yo…"

…

"You've got a change of clothes, right?" She questions idly. "I remember you taking those suspenders."

"Oh? Yeah." I nod. "I'll probably walk around half-naked until I go to bed… which should be soon." A nap'll be nice…

"...If you must." Alice sighs.

"'Sides, Maribel's probably asleep." I argue.

Once I have the kimono off, I place it on the table with the Remilia outfit.

Examining the kimono, Alice makes a remark. "Want it back with or without the bloodstain?"

Oh, right, from my freakin' arm that spider friend cut. I actually half forgot about that since they weren't deep ass cuts. "... _Without_ , preferably, yo."

With a snort, Alice lifts the kimono telekinetically. "Some people take pride in that sort of thing. I never really got them."

Nah, if I wanna take pride in a wound, it'd be one I got in some big decisive boss fight to symbolize my growth as a character and shit. Wait, potions and healing magic would repair it anyway. I can't even be allowed that cheesy trope!

Whelp, that's all the reason I need ta succumb to slumber. "Off to bed, yo." I begin walking for the guest room…

As I do so, Alice is again looking at her work with the like ten different projects going on. Honh.

Opening the guest room door, I progress inside and shut the door behind myself…

"Mmn…" Maribel shifts in her generic bed, and sits up. A- daa~h…!

Quickly, I dart for her bed and crouch before the edge to hide…!

...She rubs an eye, looking down at me, only my head visible. "...Why're you crouching?"

"Uu~h…" I've gotten myself into a predicament! "...I tripped."

She blinked, her expression slowly becoming more suspect. "I didn't hear anything, though."

...Crouching down lower, I look under the bed. Fluffles. My _salvation_.

"Oh- shit!" I suddenly yell, and roll under the bed! "The fluffles- they got me yo!" I thump my limbs against the floor for good measure!

…

"Whatever…" Maribel flops over into her bed. Wat. I thought she'd buy that… although I guess this is better.

…

Freakin'- now I'm all _dusty_.

Crawling out on the right side of her bed, I take some fluffles with me as I stand up...

"Hey." I call out to her.

"Mmh." She's facing away.

...I lift the fluffles, and drop them into her bed. "honh honh honh!"

"A-ah, what…?" She rolls around, and looks at the fluffles. "N-no…" Weakly, she pushes at them, and they flop around. Ho ho ho!

"Thanks for helping me with the fluffles." I give her a dry remark.

She looks me over, and her eyes widen. "Wh-wh… why are you _naked?_ "

...I look down. "I still got underwear on!"

"Th-that doesn't help!" She grabs a fluffle, and throws it at me!

Oof! "He-hey, yo, the fluffles took my clothes!"

"Sure they did!" She picks up another fluffle, and chucks it at me.

I dive for the other bed! "Freakin'- you want a fluffle war, yo…!?"

Opening the covers, I find fluffles lying under the blanket, immobile. Once I notice them, they start shifting, and one looks up at me. "friend"

Ho ho! Nimbly, I duck under the covers, and- holy shit too many fluffles this feels fucking weird-

Another fluffle hits me in the face from Maribel's direction. Aaa~h!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

…

I blink my eyes open. The single window- that I don't remember this room having- tells me that it's morning again…

…

I'm punted by someone. Uu~rgh…

Lookin' around… oh. It's Alice.

"I have your outfit." Alice informs me.

...Sitting up, I realize I'm not in the guest room at all. I'm out in the main room, lying on like, five pillows laid out next to each other. What the fuck...

This new discovery energizes me!

"It's over on the table." Alice begins to walk for her own room.

Gettin' up… I move for the guest room to find out what happened.

The door's wide open, and a glance inside tells me Maribel fell asleep sprawled out across the bed in the wrong direction. Her arms dangled off the right side as she lied on her stomach...

We musta freakin' crashed and burned. It was fun, though…

Over on the table- aw, _dude…!_

 _Camouflage kimono_. Remilia's mob cap is still next to it. Yo~... I gotta check the concert wreck and see if that stack of helmets is still there; I could put that on over my mob cap and be like 'yo ho ho'. Soldier yuki-okama!

One hundred percent ice resistance. Ice spells… no longer hurt me! Unless they're physical icicles, or those stupid spike spells that erupt from under you. But ice magic? Just shrug it all off, son!

Also, probably fifty percent dark resistance. That's… nice. I wish I knew if anyone even used that.

If I remember correctly, this kimono still makes me weak to fire. Considering I can put myself out easily and am now basically ice elemental, that's fair enough.

Also, fifty percent freezing resistance. Not that that's a big problem; if I did get frozen it'd just be a time out.

Quickly, I throw everything on, and also fit on that mob cap to my head. It's probably the other twenty-five percent darkness resistance that my kimono's missing.

Feel like a new man, yo. Armored and charged! This mob cap also… makes me a _real touhou!_

Alice walks back in, and gives me a glance. "...Are you going to the human village soon?"

...Actually, yeah. I nod. "Ye."

"Here." She gestures to her rear counter, where like six clothes sit stacked. "Take these down there. There'll be a guy in the square with a wagon, and blue hair."

Blue hair, sure. Freakin', everyone in the village has generic hair… except for this _one dude,_ apparently. Well, these _are_ fashion clothes, and I know how _fashionable_ people can be sometimes.

I say this in a land where technicolor hair is a genetic trait. Maybe he just got lucky…!

"Aa~h…" Maribel walks into the room, half-dazed! She's also in her pajamas, which are just like, this white t-shirt and faded pink shorts she found in Alice's guest room. She takes one look around. "...I woke up, right?"

I shake my head. "Nope. S'the big snooze."

...She looked down at the floor. "Aah."

"You'll get a discount next time you show up if you take these clothes to the village." Alice bribes me. "...None of them have any elemental charges, so don't even think about stealing them, either."

Someone's confusing me for a certain thief person, yo. "Don't worry, yo. Worst comes to worst, they'll all just burn up, or get exploded into the mud."

...Alice's features grow at least ten times more worried. "...I'm not… sure I want to send them with you anymore."

"It'll… be fine." Maribel speaks up, backpedaling for the guest room to find her proper attire. "I'll make sure…"

...Alice huffs. "Very well. I have to go somewhere today, too…"

Huh. Her house will be empty, then…

She looks over at me. "The chimney will be plugged, by the way."

God _damn_ she is smart. I was just thinking about that. Not that I'd do it, since I gotta quest with Maribel and stuff. That, and if her dolls were set to insta-gib… yeah. It'd probably do me well to stay far away from this house whenever Alice is gone.

That reminds me, my shoes were demolished in the concert the other day. Right now they're like… Mickey Mouse ass pad shoes. Plastic and fabric sleeves!

"I may also need some shoes." I inform Alice, tryin'a be casual "Any will do…?"

"Check the closet." Alice points to the guest room. "...I'll be at the door when you're both ready."

"I'm gonna go get changed…" Maribel goes for the guest room before I can more towards it. "I'll come out when I'm ready. If you peep on me I'll beat you up…"

"Don't worry." Alice assured her from the door. "I'll make sure he doesn't try anything."

Freakin'- I'm not _that_ hormone crazed, even if Maribel's pretty attractive. I say this, but like, every girl in Gensokyo's freakin' attractive. I'm slightly desensitized!

...That, and internet porn teaches you self-restraint!

…

Like a minute after Maribel shut the door to change, I talk loudly. "Aww, _da~rn_. My plan to spy on the nude female body has been _ruined_."

"That's a rather delayed reaction…" Still gettin' a blank stare from Alice!

The door opens, and Maribel steps out, clad in her not-Yukari outfit. "Room's open."

...I step past her, and close the door while still outside of it. "Room's _closed_. Oh no."

...Turning, I see Maribel pretty much ignored me, moving to talk with Alice. Yeah, that one was kind of a reach.

Swingin' the door open, I rush towards the closet. Time to arm myself with footwear!

Inside the closet, there are…

Sandals and socks, fit for a shrine maiden! Hmm. They'd go well with my kimono… but they're freakin' wooden sandals. My stupid plastic pad shoes right now are technically a step up, even if they've got no support. I think. That, and I'm not sure if I could deal with the sandal bottoms just being two freakin' wood protrusions.

Magician boots! There's a few different kindsa shoes that would probably be Marisa styled; there's some boots, but also some regular-ish shoe things that attach by one band.

...The boots seem pretty legit, not gonna lie. Alice is sometimes wearing some kinda boots, too! They're always like, brown and pudgy, which is a good thing.

I take the brown and pudgy boots from the closet. There's also some high heels for Sakuya in there but y'know… I like my legs and feetsies in one piece. I mean, there's also some regular maid shoes there too, but I'm not about that life, yo.

…

I take the maid shoes as a spare anyway. Now I wanna find a fairy maid outfit that's my size. How the hell would the bust bit work though? I'd have to find a flattie.

Slipping on the boots- they're luckily not too shit of a size for my feet. Actually, I take 'em back off, 'cause I want new socks! You know how long I've been wearing these other- you know what, no.

I place my old socks in the corner of the closet, never to be remembered again.

Then, I take the stupid long socks meant for being paired with Reimu's sandals, and slip those on. They're surprisingly awesome for this era of technology… although Alice probably made them, which explains things.

 _Now_ I put on the boots...

Marching back out into the main room, makin' sure I got all my goods, I look over at the girls…

"Oo~h…" Maribel's watching a revolving ring of dolls rotate in the air. "How do you do that with string…?"

"Magic." Alice smirked cheekily. Freakin'...

I walk between Alice and the dolls. Despite it looking like the strings were between her and the doll ring for a moment, she simply shifted her hand and it was no longer so. The doll ring proceeded to behave as expected without any hitches.

How.

Maribel snorts. "Wo~w. That's amazing..."

Alice is smug.

Alright, yo, I give up. Lettin' my arms flop to my sides, I move for the door. I open it and head outside-

Holy shit. It's…

Running off the porch and into Alice's yard, I hold my arms out.

It feels exactly like it did inside Alice's house. No temperature difference.

...A cool breeze flows through the trees, and over me. I sigh 'cause it feels so refreshing...

Maribel walks up to me, shivering. "Se-seriously… how warm-blooded are you?"

Alice drifts up to us, holding the pile of clothes she expected me to walk out with. "Here."

...I hold out my arms, and accept them. Honh.

"If they get smashed, you're getting charged tenfold next purchase." With that, she turns around, slowly moving to leave… "Remember: blue-haired guy with a wagon."

...Me and Maribel watch her leave properly, drifting off above the trees.

…

"Did-did she just fly away?" Maribel turned to me dryly. "I thought that was exclusive to fairies and vampires and gods…"

I look at her. "Nope, nope. That's kinda a normal thing here. 'Cept for wimps like us."

...She shivers again. "Let's… just get moving."

I want to hug her to warm her up, but that wouldn't end well. Dammit, social standards.

...You know what? "Can we hug?"

"N-no." Maribel decides, hugging herself awkwardly with her suitcase and plant hanger in the way. "I'm not _that_ cold. Yet."

…

"A-achoo!" She sneezed! "Actually, I-I have a better idea…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Maribel was now wearing two of the shirts Alice entrusted us with. Hey, if they make it out in mint condition, it shouldn't matter. I've also got the other clothes in my infini-bag...

We were now walking through the magic forest, which was like only twice as bright as night time during the day. Weird place.

"So much better…!" Maribel was pumped, though!

"Dude, I am _immune_ to the cold." I am, too! "Next time I see a yuki-onna, yo, I'm gonna pick up a rock!"

…

Maribel glances over at me. "And?"

"That's… that's it, really." I conclude blandly. "That's the end, yo. The battle plan."

"Pick up a rock… and do nothing?" Maribel grinned.

I shake my head. "Nope. Pick up rock, end scene." Preferably via jump cut!

"End scene." Maribel monotoned. "Okay."

"Yeah." I nod. "Like… something like this."

Breaking from the slightly-kept path away from Alice's abode, I crouch down and pick up a rock…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Don't worry, you didn't miss much.

"Nnh, nnh, nnh…!" Maribel whined a little as we sprinted.

...I'm not lying, either! All that happened was-

"We- we don't want to fight!" Maribel yells back at our pursuer!

"Is that so~?"

-we got chased by Rumia out of the woods, and onto the Hakurei path. We're still on that Hakurei path, advancing in the opposite direction.

By the way, I've still got that rock! It's like, the size of my head!

I'm willing to bet Maribel's regretting throwing on those layers of clothes, now. I'm getting a bit overheated, too, but it's not terrible.

"Sto~p!" Maribel yells back at the darkness youkai!

"Is that so~?" Rumia is oblivious, obscured by her ball of darkness behind us. Then, she dashes forward-

Woosh. Like a few times before, we moved to the side and let Rumia whiff. Doing a loop in the air, Rumia repositioned herself behind us, recognizing that she missed. "I can sme~ll yo~u!"

I'd make a joke about taking showers, but I'm a little short of breath to be makin' wisecracks…!

...We're nearly at the village gate! Jesus, my legs are freakin'-

"Aa~hn…" Maribel let out a weak primal roar! "O~w ow..."

Yeah, I feel that. I'm just a bit used to it by this point… and I haven't eaten anything other than waffles for awhile.

We near the village gate!

As we near it, Rumia begins to drift away, her darkness flickering to allow herself a confirmation glance of the village gate. Has she… memorized how long the Hakurei path was? Shieut.

"Hey, hey…" The guard there holds up his hand as we near the semi-rebuilt gate. They work fast, these villagers…!

Speaking of rebuilding, there was indeed a buncha workers with hammers and stuff working on the wall. There were some guards with swords and shields standing around the perimeter, but only half of them weren't leaning on their swords leisurely…

"Ha~h…" Maribel took deep breaths as we slowed down. "Ha~h…"

The guard smirked at us. "Got chased around by that darkness youkai, huh?"

I chuckled. "Ye-yeah, yo… gettin' our exercise on."

"Well…" He moves out of the way. "Head on in."

...Wow. That… was actually painless, for once. I was planning on dropping this rock on his toes, too, but I guess I'll have to save it, for now.

Maribel shambles through the gate, and I follow behind her.

…

Once we're a good distance away, and she's caught her breath, she speaks. "Gensokyo is _dangerous_ …"

I probably coulda put the hurt on Rumia with my holy hanger, but I didn't wanna abandon my rock, and her accuracy was crap anyway.

"Aa~h, we weren't in too much trouble…" I wave with one hand offa the rock as we walk along the village streets. That freakin'... dip in the road. "'Sides, it warmed us up!"

"What if she actually caught one of us?" Maribel frowns at me. "If she bit into my arm, what would you do?"

I shrug. "I got mad healing potions, yo. They give ya flesh regeneration for like ten seconds."

...Maribel blinks. "Really?"

"Yeah. I'd show ya, but uh…" I shake the rock a bit. "I got a rock!"

"Where'd you get those?" Maribel wants some potions of her own. "...For research purposes."

Science, huh. I give her a reassuring smile, "I know a hole in the wall, yo."

She instantly pauses, and looks at me. "You better actually mean 'healing potions' and not 'drugs'." Maribel is instantly suspect! "Seriously."

...I shrug. "Isn't medicine also drugs?"

"You _know_ what I mean." Maribel is slightly more suspect! "It's not drugs, right?"

"If ya mean crack _cocaine_ , no." I finally clarify. "S'more like crappy medicine but it works."

...She folds her arms. "Okay."

After some walking, we've reached the village square.

"Now, where would Renko be…?" Maribel begins looking around idly.

After some lookin' myself, I see the blue-haired guy with a wagon in the middle of the square, reading what looked like some kinda book. He had a blue denim jacket on and some weird freakin' track pants.

I step closer to Maribel. "Hey, uh- that guy…" I point at the freakin' hipster. "We gotta get him his clothes, yo…"

Maribel held onto her new clothes, which were like, some sweaters. "...These sweaters are _cool_ , though. By that, I mean..." Looking conflicted, she hugs herself. "It's _cold._ "

Alice would probably fill my asshole with gunpowder if I failed to deliver these clothes, so unfortunately thefting them is way out of the question. "Sorry, yo, but I don't wanna die the next time Alice sees me."

...Begrudgingly, Maribel began taking off the sweaters she threw on over her normal attire. I stood in the way so the rich hipster couldn't see her taking off the clothes we were about to give him in ten seconds.

...Once she was done, she began folding them up. I sat down my fun rock, and began taking the other articles out of my bag. They were a little balled up, but uh- oh! Maribel just took those from me, too, and began folding them skillfully.

"Hold these." She plops some of the folded ones into my arms, so she can fold more without needing extra arms.

After a minute, we've got all the fancy sweaters 'n' dresses and stuff folded.

...Maribel hugged herself, sighing. "Cold again…"

We walk up to the rich hipster…

"...Oh?" He's got a hand on his hips. "What have we here…?"

"Hi, son." I hold up the clothes. "I gotcha your freakin' fashion stuff."

"Margatroid, yes?" He smiles at me.

I nod. "Yeah, yo."

"Splendid, splendid…" He takes the clothes from my arms, and plops them into the wagon behind himself. "Give her my thanks. You two look good." He gives us a thumbs up, and begins walking off with the wagon. "Remember: shop Yeterellus!"

Shop 'a what now?

The sounds of the wagon's crappy wheels against the dirt road slowly fade, and blend in with the square's usual hustle and bustle…

"Okay." Maribel accepted this sequence of events.

Oh, geez, I just realized that guy had like, gold earrings. O~kay, time to find Renko…!

"Let's find your friend, yo!" I begin moving! Maribel suddenly mobilizes behind me, eager to get on with things herself.

No~w… if I was a Renko, where would I be…?

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After some meandering around and lookin' at generic villagers, we made our way through the crowded village square to a certain stand…

The stand was freakin' decorated. Purple wood, and gold-maybe-not-gold decorations! Toyota-whatever-the-frik-her-name-is no Miko was standing behind the counter, smiling at us…

"Hello~." She gave us a little wave. Yo, those headphones she's got! She's like, the posterchild for a buncha Touhou music stuff, for some reason. I… can't recall her theme though. "I'm in need of funds, so I'm selling some disposables."

I point at her. "You're friends with Mononobe no Fluffyhair, right?"

She blinks. "Indeed?"

"I was in the concert with her, yo!" I hold out my arms! "Yo ho ho!"

...Miko just stares at me. "I was instructed to ask you if you received a participation prize."

I let my arms fall. "Got no idea if they're even a thing yet, or who I talk to. Might be under the Prismrivers…"

She smiles. "I see. Well, then… would you like to shop?"

Man, with all the awesome crap I got with these recent funds, I really should like… do another job. I gotta find something with less killing, though. That, or a target that I know is a homicidal maniac so that I can massacre it with some peace of mind. The thing is, the homicidal maniacs get by on that behavior ' _cause_ they're fookin' strong…

Oh, yeah, stuff for sale. Uh…

"What the frik is this stuff?" She's selling flashy treasure stuff! There's like, square slots on the wall behind her, and inside of all of them is a random piece of sun elemental gear.

Miko holds up an arm. "Allow me to explain…"

She takes a moment to give me like twenty lines of exposition worth of what each thing does. "The sun ring provides twenty-five percent sun resistance, and slightly boosts attack and…"

I begin to tune her out because she said this back in Matt's chapter. The actual listings for all that stuff's over there, but the short of it is that there's a lot of random shit, it's all sun elemental, and it all casts Sunfire Flare if you shove it up somebody's- or your own- ass.

I mean- you don't even have to look back, I know there's freakin'... _a margin_ of you guys who steer clear of his bloodbaths. I'll give ya the long and short of it right now…

Sun Ring. Twenty-five percent sun resistance, boosts magic attack and attack during the day! It's the sun ring from Terraria, basically…

A yellow clone of Futo's hat! Twenty-five percent sun resistance, too. Randomly casts Sunfire Flare when equipped, which would be a hoot.

The yellow _racecar helmet_. I'd like to know why Miko has this as a 'treasure'. Fifty percent sun resistant, provides immunity to blinding, electrical stunning, and freezing.

"Ahem…" Miko interrupts my thoughts. "Are you paying attention?"

I blink, before waving her off.. "Yeah, yeah, antifreeze helmet. I'm listening."

...She looks perplexed for a moment, before going back to describing the stuff.

Two yellow fans, with an ornate sun-related design on them; probably meant for Yuyuko. Fifty percent sun resistance- somehow- lets the user cast Solar Flare, along with randomly casting Sunfire Flare. Boosts the power of sun attacks! Jesus, this thing's a blinding machine!

I wonder if I could use her fans. They're probably mad expensive for no reason, just so only she can buy them. You know what, though…?

Miko was just finishing her explanation of the fans. "Randomly casts Sunfire Flare. Boosts the power of sun attacks."

I hold up my hand. "Yo- hold up, how much for the fans?"

...Miko tilts her head back and forth. "How much do you think they're worth?"

I gotta give a good price, or else she'll just stiff me. "Da~h… ten thousand yen?"

"Fifty thousand." Miko lists her price. Dayum, I don't even have that kinda money…

Holdin' up my hands, I surrender. "Yeah, outta my price range. What, you embed freakin' gold into the vinyl?"

…

"Well, maybe." Miko admitted casually. "Shall I continue?"

I look over at Maribel, as if asking her to answer the question.

"Ye-yeah." Maribel manages, staring intently at the random sun equips. "This is pretty interesting…"

As such, Miko kept rambling on about the sun equips. "Ah…" Oh, nevermind, she's leanin' under her desk… to take out a glass of water!

...After some calm sips, she sat it on the counter and continued. "Boosts the power of sun elemental attacks..."

Sun elemental knives, likely for Sakuya. Boosts sun attacks, casts Sunfire Flare when it hits stuff, typical affair. I wanna see Sakuya constantly cast blinding sun flares every time her knives so much as tap something. I'd imagine Remilia'd like that!

There- there was also a _plant hanger_. Define 'treasure', Miko! Although… s'treasure to me, yo! Boosts sun attacks, casts Sunfire Flare when it hits stuff. Yeah, more basic stuff, but that could be fun.

Finally, there was this sun badge. _Fifteen percent_ sun resistance- real useful. Ten minutes of listening to Miko talk about sun enchanted garbage could save you fifteen percent or more on sun damage you take regularly. Actually-

I interrupt her description of the sun badge. "Will that help me tan at the beach, yo? Can it stop me from getting cancer?"

...Miko just blinks at me. "I'm unsure of what you mean." What, don't they get cancer and die here? That, or the name 'cancer' wasn't pegged in like twenty gazillion BC, or whenever she's from. Old Japan.

"Ah, nevermind, yo." I wave my question off. "I can just duct tape fluffles to my skin when I go outside from now on."

...After I say that, Miko finishes her short essay on freakin' sun elemental bullshit. Still goin' on about that one sun badge, by the way. "In any case, this replaces on-impact effects of all weapons with Sunfire Flare when worn. Fifty percent resistance to blinding and electrical stunning."

Now that she's finished, she turns to us. "Now, then… is there anything you'd like?"

Maribel speaks up before I can even say anything myself. "That hanger…" She points at it. "How much does it cost?" Wha- _no_. She did _not_.

"Five thousand yen is my typical price, however, I will allow you to barter." Miko offered, resting her hands on the counter before us. Idly, she began to grab the water she took out earlier, and began to drink from it…

"How's four thousand…?" Maribel reaches into her pocket, and takes out her wallet. "Lemme get my money…"

"Sounds good." Setting the glass back down, Miko turned and grabbed the hanger. "Thank you for your business."

Within a moment, Maribel exchanged her funds with Miko for the hanger.

…

I _wanted_ that weapon, too! Oh, well… she needs all the stuff she can get. I already got mad equips, yo.

Maribel looks down at the counter, where she's got her two hangers placed now. "How am I gonna carry all this stuff…?"

She pops open her suitcase again…

After a moment of looking, she tries to jam the sun hanger in, and by some miracle, it fits.

"Hn~gh…" It takes her some effort to close it and do the easy locks, though! "Okay… now I _know_ it's at max."

I still wanna spend money to spend money! Looking over the selection of items…

"How much is the sunny badge?" I question. "Can't be that expensive, right?"

"Two thousand yen." Miko states her price. "It is indeed not that expensive."

Honh. "One thousand yen." I barter, 'cause I can.

"We have a deal." She sets the badge on the counter. Woo…! I can't think of when I'd actually need to set all my crap to freakin'... sun flare mode. Hoarding's fun when you have infinite inventory, though!

I reach into my sack, take out my money sack, and hand over the thousand yen. Taking the badge… I pocket it. I might use it for a build later, but for now replacing all my on-hit effects with freakin' blinding isn't really that great. Maybe if I get ganked in the woods again it'll let me be even more annoying.

Since that was so cheap, I look at more things. Can we go two for two with cheap deals?

Although… "Why is the fan so pricy compared to the hanger?" I question. "That makes sense for fluffle bullshit, but uh…"

"That fan and these knives," Miko gestures back to the wall of things, "are made of gold, and fine enchanted silk. The plant hanger was simply made of fool's gold, brass, and enchanted for durability. It's to be used as a plant hanger."

...I give her a _stare_. "That's why it makes a flare when you smack it too hard, huh? You described it like it was a _weapon_ , yo."

Miko snorted. "Let's just say I had a feeling someone would be interested in plant hanger based armaments… that, and the item itself was the result of some rather excited spellweaving."

...I blame Futo.

My eyes run across the racecar helmet. That could be fun, although I'm not sure when I'd wear it. Hmhmhm. It gives some useful status resistances itself, including resistances to blinding, which I can just spam like an asshole now. What the hell even _uses_ sun magic?

Also, it gives freeze resistance. I'd have like, one hundred fifty percent freeze resistance if I wore it with this kimono on. What would that even do?

"Ten thousand yen." Miko notices my gaze, and mentions the price for the helmet. Christ, did you think the villagers were walking banks?

" _Five_ thousand." I stress. "Yer breakin' the bank, friend."

" _Seven_ thousand." She stresses in return! "I am here to make a profit, you must realize."

Yeah, that's cool. S'better than freakin' ten grand. I place the seven thousand on the counter.

Nodding, she grabs the helmet, and places it on the counter for me to take. "Thank you very much."

Maribel just shakes her head. "You seriously bought that…?"

Turning to her, I grin. "Freakin', _yeah_. Dude- sun resistance! Now if someone drops a sun on me, it'll take twice as long for it to sear off my flesh."

"...Twice of one second is only two seconds." Maribel quips, suddenly becoming smug.

Freakin'...

Taking off Remilia's mob cap, I stuff it into my sack. Then, I take the racecar helmet, and try to put it on…

Oof. It i~s… a bit snug, but after a bit of pushing, it gets on alright. It's well padded on the inside, and is obviously something that didn't come from Gensokyo. For some reason, the air inside feels kinda fresh! Not as musty as I anticipated.

Even so, this is kinda claustrophobic! There's a plastic visor at the front that dims my vision. I've got okay visibility, though- just can't quite look outta the corner of my eye as well as I might normally.

Through my dim visor, I test my vision by reading Maribel's expression. She's giving me a dry stare! "You like dressing up, don't you?"

Her voice reaches me well enough; the helmet doesn't do much in reducing the volume, but does make things sound different. Which is kinda weird… isn't this a racecar helmet? Provided, it's now enchanted to be anti-sun armor, so I guess any kinda weird bullshit coulda befallen it.

...I grin, but my expression's probably not visible since this helmet covers all of my face. It's probably really opaque on the outside. "Yeah, yo. I'm like, fifty percent dark and sun immune, and a hundred percent ice immune. I'm becoming an elemental!"

She snorts. "Apparently…"

Miko's smiling at me. "You're completely ice resistant…?" She looks me up and down... "Hmm. You don't seem to be lying. Where did you get such highly enchanted clothing?"

"It was forged by youkai-Jesus, before being reforged by a puppeteer, from a vampire's casual wear and a yuki-onna kimono." I reveal, nodding casually. I can't facially emote- at least not in a useful way- in this thing, so I'll have to use more obvious gestures and stuff…

"...Okay." Miko's still smiling, but I _think_ I confused her!

Anyway, didn't we come here to like, find out what happened to Renko?

Maribel seems to beat me to the punch. "Say, um, miss…"

"Call me Miko." Miko provides. Yeah, Toyosatomimi is a bit of a mouthful, innit?

"Miko," Maribel makes her request, "I was wondering if you'd seen my friend. She has a black dress on with a white shirt, and a black hat…" Maribel gestures to her head to show where a hat might be. Y'know- as opposed to on our knees, or elbows. "Her name's Renko."

Miko perks up. "Why, yes, actually. I have indeed seen someone like that. She stopped by here twice, with two different acquaintances." Oh, boy, this is gonna be a goose chase, yo.

"Acquaintances…?" Maribel glanced at me. She took her suitcase off the counter- pausing at its weight- and looked back up at Miko. "Like who?"

"One was a dullahan. She seemed to be rather friendly." Miko provided. "The other… he held a youkai which was in the form of a weapon, and seemed to speak with veiled malice. This Renko of yours didn't seem to particularly mind his hostile nature, though she was on guard. I only worry that he'll eventually hurt her, as they left my sight together."

…

Maribel took Dreamcatcher up off the counter, and looked over at me. "Brad- we need to find her. Like, now."

Got no idea who it could be from that description. Youkai weapon? "Alright, yo." I'll help Maribel out with her quest anyway, since yeah. "Ready for action!"

With that, Maribel began marching off. I looked over at Miko, quickly. "See ya, Miko! Tell Futo that Brad said hello!"

Miko waved back warmly. "Mmm, will do!"

With that, I began joggin' after Maribel. We're on a mission now, yo!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Maribel proceeded to drag us down, like, the west main street for two minutes before I told her I knew where that dullahan lived. Chances are it's Sekibanki…

As such, guess whose house we're in front of?

I knock on Sekibanki's door!

"You sure this is okay…?" Maribel speaks to me quietly.

I turn to her. I'd give her a _stare_ , but this helmet won't let me. "We're just knockin' on a door, yo."

The door swings open!

Sekibanki stares out at me.

…

"Who~..." She gazes upon my helmet dryly. "Who are you?"

I try to adjust my voice to sound more like I'm an official _action man_ , son. "They call me Darber Mario. I've come from the North- me and Maribella are here on a quest to stop Lord Chaos from vanquishing the- the…" Shit, ran outta breath- "the alpine spirit of yore."

...I had to take a breath mid-sentence. I dunno if that helped or hurt my performance.

…

Sekibanki blankly gazed at Maribel…

Maribel elbowed me in the side. Oof. "So-sorry, he's, uhm…"

"Come on in." Sekibanki struts inside, casually allowing us in.

...Huh.

We both step inside. There's a bowl of peppermints at the table…!

Oh yea~h, this room. She's got like, a table, four chairs, and one cabinet with scattered things in it. Very minimalistic!

Sekibanki takes a seat at the table before us…

After a slightly delay, I move to take a seat. Taking my lead, Maribel does the same.

"So…" Taking a peppermint from the bowl, Sekibanki looks between the each of us, before she rests her gaze on me. "What are you even talking about?"

"I'm just joshin' ya." I let my voice normalize. "It's me, Steve."

…

All this causes is her brow to raise. "Who?" Sekibanki is still guessing!

"Brad." I try my real name.

"...I don't know you?" Sekibanki is completely freakin' lost.

Freakin'... I move to take off my helmet. Oof- it smooshes my ears on the way off.

"Oh." Sekibanki recognizes me when I have the helmet off. "Hi."

"Hello, friend." I greet her.

"...I'm sensing a trend." She looked between me and Maribel. "An eerie trend."

Maribel stared at her questioningly, before turning her stare to me.

"You see some familiar faces, yo?" I indirectly ask her if she's seen Renko!

"Mmm. That homicidal maniac of yours had his sights on a girl, too." Gingerly, Sekibanki looks down at her peppermint candy she took…

"Homicidal maniac…?" Looking concerned, Maribel is slowly beginning to freak out. Freakin' fluffy.

I wave it off. "Yeah- she'll be alright." It's pretty obvious what happened, now. Yukari musta dropped Renko on Matt's lap. I wonder if Renko saw him freakin' manslaughter a dude yet. If she did, I don't think she'd still be hangin' around him…

"What do you mean, 'she'll be alright'? Weren't you listening?" Maribel is now freaking out! "Homicidal maniac? What did she mean by homicidal maniac!?"

I hold up a hand. "Rela~x, yo. I think I know that dude, and if I know what shit's goin' down, I know she's gonna be fine." I'd imagine Yukari'd sooner throw Matt into a meat grinder before letting him kill Renko.

…

Maribel's process of freaking out begins to reverse. "You _better_ be right."

Honh. Crisis status: averted.

"...You say that like you know him." Sekibanki now has the peppermint in her mouth, her arms now at her sides.

I wobble a hand around in the air. "Well, yeah. We kinda go back, but we mostly like… knew each other over letters and stuff. Never actually met in person until this whole Gensokyo business… nor did I peg him for actually going on a homicidal rampage! Well, nor did I peg Gensokyo for _existing_ …"

Yeah, _letters_. We shitposted in the mail, and sent 'em back and forth to one another every week. Y'know- I wonder if that happened. Ye olde not-so-instant-messaging.

...Sekibanki seems satisfied with that answer. "You're an outsider, then?"

I nod. "Yeah."

"That girl, Renko, she told me a bit about the outside." Sekibanki made conversation. "It was interesting. I told her some things about Gensokyo, and about… the man she was observing."

"Define 'observing'." Maribel pressed, worried by the word choice.

"Watching. Questioning." Sekibanki's reply is blunt. "It's not hard to see why. He's a very questionable person."

"Honh." I make a fluffy noise in agreeance. "Yea~h. Basically, me and Maribel here," I gesture to Maribel, "are trying to find Renko. Ya got any leads?"

...After a moment, Sekibanki shook her head. "No. They might come back here eventually, though. I don't think he has anywhere to live, and he often likes to stay here."

Hmm. Well- yeah, he shouldn't, but there's no guarantee he's not bummin' it out like I do. If there's anything the two of us have in common, it's our resourcefulness! That, and a lotta other things, minus the killing people thing, and the lack of empathy, and, uh…

"You just let him stay here?" Maribel gives Sekibanki a suspect question. "...You just called him homicidal."

Sekibanki nodded. "Well… yeah. I'm not really in any danger, I don't think."

…At that moment, Maribel paused. "Wait… you're a dullahan, right?"

...Hesitantly, Sekibanki gave a counter-question. "Is there any problem with that?"

Maribel blinked. "No?"

"Cool." To demonstrate, Sekibanki grabbed her own head with two hands, and lifted it up. "Yeah."

"Woa~h…!" Maribel was instantly awed! "That's amazing!"

I'm pretty sure the reason Seki's unafraid of Matt is 'cause she's a youkai and made of sturdier stuff than the average, gankable human. That, and she has no throat to stab.

"I'm pretty sure he's only used to attacking humans…" Sekibanki notes. "I'm also pretty careful not to let him have any opportunities for trouble in here."

…

I look up, and notice that this room's light source is like… a lantern thing. It's pretty dim.

"Well, we got two options, then…" I determine. "We leave and wander around like freakin' marauders, or we sit here and pray the noobs show up."

…

Maribel takes a moment to consider these options, looking around the dim interior of Seki's home. "...I think we should wander around a bit more. If it becomes night, we can just come back here anyway."

Y'know, that's a good point.

"Al~right…" Standing up, I lift my helmet to put it back on… "Freakin', where would they even _go?_ "

"You _know_ him." Sekibanki gave the maximum help with three words.

Helmet on! Ho ho~... this thing'll take some getting used to.

…

Oh shieut, she's right, I _do_ know Matt. If I was _extraordinarily_ bored in the human village, where would I be…?

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Me and Maribel stop outside the Golden Grin casino! This place looks pretty happenin'! And, even if we don't find anyone or anything useful, this'll be a nice place to waste time.

The building itself was like, four stories high lookin'. It seemed like a squarish, modern building you might see in cities these days. Admittedly, it's a bit stout, but in comparison to these plywood huts… like, frik!

Maribel eyes the scantily clad bunny girls at the entrance. "...Knowing this village, I somehow doubt standing out here like that is safe."

Hmm. Upon her examination, I look over them myself…

I point at a crate to the left of the main entrance. "Daa~h… notice that inconspicuously placed box?"

Maribel nods. "Yeah… hmm."

...Maybe we can question them on it. Taking the initiative, I walk up to the bunny girls!

One with cyan hair spots me. "Oh, he~y. Got an access pass?"

Oh, shit, this place needs a card? Awwh. "...Well, no-"

"Bye." She waves at me. Son…

"About that crate," I point at the crate! "There's _stuff_ stickin' out of it."

"Tranquilizer guns." She bluntly reveals.

The other, red-haired bunny girl frowns at her. "He~y, Aya-cha~n… that was supposed to be a company secret."

"Whatever." Cyan-haired hare just looks away, disinterested.

Maribel walks up behind me. "Um-"

The red-haired bunny girl instantly flinches, and backs out of the way. "Ri-right this way, mistress Yukari!"

Even the cyan-haired deadbeat snaps to attention. "Oh- uhm, th-this way, mistress Yukari."

They both gesture to the front door, allowing us access as they stand at the sides.

...Maribel shrugs, and begins to walk inside. I move to follow her-

"Hey, hey!" Cyan bunny grabs my arm! "Real cheeky, asshole. Trying to sneak in-"

"Let 'em go." Maribel offhandedly wards off the rabbit as she continues inside. "Guest friend person."

"Ye-yes, mistress Yukari." The bunny girl backs off, bowing to me. O~kay. Freakin'- Maribel doesn't sound anything _like_ Yukari. I bet they were instructed to act like this.

Also- Yukari owns this place? I guess I shoulda figured. 'Golden Grin' seems rather apt…

Inside this place, though, yo… there's a lot of freakin' room! Not too many people at the moment, though; guess midday on a weekday isn't great for the night club casino biz.

The room was tall, encompassing all four floors. This place has a _skylight_ , too. Along the walls around the room's floor, there were booths and tables. Some tables had dudes, and some had what looked like employees. The distinction was pretty clear; old guys versus buxom girls with animal ears and scanty outfits!

Twenty feet or so inward from the wall, the floor dipped like, a quarter of a foot. There were some tables here, but also dividing walls that drew the border between seating and slot machines. Freakin' slot machines! Remind me to come back with luck buffs… or I could just massacre the slot machines themselves. That is, if Yukari didn't turn them into evil robots or something that could defend themselves.

Past the slot machines were carpeted floor. Just a lotta room.

At the back wall- which I noted was not the very back of the building, if this thing's proportions were actually accurate- there was a big stage. The curtains were drawn, so no show was going on…

"Oo~h…" Maribel was dazzled by the interior. By the way- there was a lot of gold shit! Reds, purples, and golds! Some greens, too, but mostly the former.

Yeah, Yukari _definitely_ owns this place. This place is probably worth a few hundred times more than the actual village. The day villagers could recreate a structure like this is the day they could launch nukes at youkai indiscriminately.

"...Me and Yukari aren't even _that_ alike." Maribel huffed, after taking a good few minutes of being dazzled. Freakin' delayed response!

"I know right?" I agree! "That was fishy, but I feel like we're onto something for it."

We idly, slowly step forward onto a tiled, hexagonal pad-

It shifts, and we nearly fall and eat shit! Ho ho!

"Wo-woah…" Maribel pauses, stepping towards the middle. "...What is this?"

"NES Legend of Zelda bullshit." I summarize, as the pad begins lifting. We lucked out on not walking past this, it started on a delay. Yukari- what the hell is this?

Slowly, it rises into the air.

"Oo~h, there goes another!" Some guys down at one of the tables point up at us!

"Hahaha~! Drink!" For some reason they drink to this, too!

"Yehehah!"

The girls at the employee booths also mumble stuff. "Yukari-mistress claims another…"

"Do you think she has a slave trade?"

"Pffft. Prohba~hbley…"

...Jesus, this thing's taking awhile to rise. My fear of falling to my death is arising again…! Would it 'a killed to install guard rails? Oh, well. If I didn't fall off of Heaven and break my everything, I shouldn't be able to here. I just remembered I can double jump. Don't judge me, yo…!

Eventually, the platform stops before a balcony on the third floor. There's an opening in the guard rail, and the platform's edge conforms to the shape of the hexagon we're on…

Yukari's sitting there, a fan unfurled. Before her are Matt and Renko!

"Renko-cha~n!" Maribel leaps off the hexagon before it's even fully stopped, and runs over to Renko.

"Me-Merry!?" Renko perks up. "Where'd you come from!?"

I leap onto the balcony platform myself, doing a tiny double jump just to make sure I don't get crunched by the freakin' platform or something.

...Also, Matt's here! I- think that's Matt, anyway. New mask and new snazzy suit, but still looks vaguely like I remembered! "Yo ho _ho_ , son! How the hell've ya been!?" He's also got a _hat_ , now! Freakin' fedora.

"Was about to get fucked on the first date." He provides, looking at my _racecar helmet_. "Then you showed up… in _that_."

I wave him off. "Ah- ah- whadda… whadda ya need _three-dimensional_ girls for, son?" I ask of him. "We got all we need like, right…" Da~h, where's my 3DS?

Checkin' my pockets- nope. Check my bag- there we go!

...I hold it out to emphasize my point. "Right here!" It's also out of batteries. Aaa~h!

…

"Isn't that 3D anyway?" Maribel idly comments from the side, next to Renko.

Oof. I've been bamboozled.

"No." Matt counters. "It's 2.5D."

...I look over at Yukari, whose eyes have just kinda glazed over by this point. Wahaha!

"What've you been up to?" Maribel begins to ask her friend some questions!

"Oh… not a lot." Renko tilts her head back and forth. "This village sucks."

"Yeah." Maribel agrees. "I got to see a lake and that one mansion I told you about, though!"

Renko jerked her head back. "Wha~t? Why'd I have to get stuck in this dirt bath…?"

...After a moment of us just standing here, Matt looks away from the girls to aggress me. "Hey, son."

I turn to him. "Hi, dad."

"You've been a naughty boy." He states.

…Good. Good conversation.

After some moments, he speaks up. "And so I must take all your valuables… that you owe me, anyway."

Aah, crap, he remembered the money. Does he remember how _much_ , though? I'll still give him like twenty grand since that's like half of what I have left, and it's not much of the original reward to begin with…

"How's twenty thousand yen sound?" I propose! "The rest got shat on in transit."

"As long as you're not ripping me off." He asserts.

I wave 'em off. "Aah… I got like sixty grand in the end, but the bozos wanted their cuts, too. Of course I stiffed 'em a bit, but I've basically just got forty grand left- excluding the twenty I'm 'bouta give you."

"Yeah, I'll just take care of them later." Matt resolves. Ho ho!

Settin' my sack on the table, I take out the twenty thousand yen applicable, and set it in front 'a Matt.

He scoops it up, and pockets it. "Thanks for the business. _Sonny_."

Wahaha!

...After a moment, Maribel comments. "Why do I feel like we just watched a drug deal go down?"

Renko snorts.

"Because it was." Matt assures her. "Only the finest back alley deal in broad daylight."

...I look over at Yukari, who has been freakin' quiet this entire time, watching us like a creepy stalker person. "Hey, Yukari. Wha's goin' on, yo?"

Yukari closes her fan, and gives a neutral smile. "Oh, nothing."

Holding up my hand- "No- no." I quickly interject! "That's what you say when there's _something_."

Yukari snorted. "Oh, no~. You don't need to worry about little old _me_."

...Matt speaks up from his chair. "You got old alright, but not little."

...Yukari lets herself look conflicted about that comment!

"Anyway…" Maribel speaks up-

Before she can say anything, Renko starts to go around the table to get closer to Yukari. "Why do you look like Merry?"

Yukari shrugs. "We both have great fashion sense?"

"Wearing a dish cloth isn't fashion." Matt interjects.

"Hey- _hey_." Maribel takes notice of that statement! "First, it's a _mob cap_ , not a dish cloth. Second-"

"It's a dish cloth, Merry." Renko agrees with Matt's sentiment. "Where'd you even get it from?"

" _Second,_ " Maribel continues, giving Renko a _stare_ , "I like it."

...Reaching into my sack, I take out my own dish cloth hat and put it atop my racecar helmet. "I'm fashionable, dude…"

Maribel grins, shaking her head. "Aw, geez…"

"What are we even here for?" Matt genuinely reflects.

This reminds Renko of something. Moving away from Yukari, she begins to meander towards that platform again. "Oh- you know what? Merry- what day of the week is it?"

Maribel pauses. "...Well, if we arrived on… I forgot. We've been here two days, though."

"Merry, we missed two days of school." Renko's face slowly became one of dread. "Do you know how much homework we'll have to catch up on?"

...Maribel shrugged. "Well, a lot…"

"Don't worry." Matt reassures them! "You aren't going back."

Maribel pointed at him, "Hush, you," before stepping onto the hexagonal platform. "C'mon, Renko. I'm gonna try to gap us outta here."

I give them some advice! "Yo, Merry- you know that one road? And that shrine we passed with the twenty million stairs?"

She looks at me. "Yeah- oh, yeah, I figured we had to go there already." Oh. Koo, koo.

Renko steps onto the hexagonal platform. "Alright, then." ...Turning around, she gave us a wave. "It was nice meeting you all."

Maribel waves at us. "Bye, Brad! See you later! Bye Yukari!"

I wave at her. "See ya, Maribel! Don't be a stranger!"

The hexagonal platform shifts, and starts to lower them…

…

That awkward moment when it takes awhile to leave but you already told your goodbyes. This is that moment.

"Just wait until we tell Sumi-chan about this…!" Maribel mutters to Renko as the platform lowers.

"...We shoulda brought a camera." Renko thinks aloud in retrospect.

After a moment, the platform lowers enough to obscure them and their voices.

…

I know we'll see 'em again, though. Yukari let 'em run around and get too much shit to not drag them back for more fun times.

"Well, then…" Yukari yawns. "That was fun. I'd like to do that again some time."

I turn to her. "Can we cuddle?"

…

She shakes her head. "No. No, I don't think so."

Awwh. Can't blame a man for trying, yo.

...Also, "Couldn't you have just gapped them out?"

Yukari nodded. "Well, yes…" She looked down at the tea table, and grabbed a cup off of it. "I'd rather they found their own way out."

"Can we kiss." Matt requests bluntly. "Can we _have sex_."

"Hush." Yukari takes a sip of her tea…

…

"By the way…" She stands up. "I feel like a nap. This chapter's over, now."

Matt stands, himself. "You'll feel like a nap when I'm done with you."

Wait, Yukari, you can't just- I wanted to-

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 57

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I _would_ like to know where it actually _puts_ all my stuff though…

Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! It better, with a name like 'Swordbreaker'. Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! May cast Flash, an attack that blinds; works best on darkness elementals and youkai. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can cast Gust. By the addition of a steel block, its attack and magic attack increased slightly. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites stuff on impact. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle, allowing the user to cast Flamethrower Plus! Allows the user to cast Fume.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Can produce limitless fresh water. Boosts the power of water skills. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style; physical attack increased, physical defense lowered. User bleeds out faster. Can cast Revenge, an attack that increases in power the lower the user's health is. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to let it cut!

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Lowers defense slightly. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger is slightly electric and holy elemental. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy...

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Seventy-five percent time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!

Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means _business, son_. _One hundred percent_ ice resistance, and as such renders me immune to all magical ice damage. Dunno 'bout icicles and stuff, though. Fifty percent freeze resistance… not that freezing will hurt me with this thing on. Fifty percent dark resistance. Negative fifty percent fire and burning resistance. Hopefully hides me a bit when navigating in the freakin' brush...

Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! Fifty percent sun resistance, one hundred percent freezing and blinding resistance. Also gives immunity to electrical stunning. It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.

Seventeen thousand, two hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!

Seven Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Five Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on _debuffs_ , though...

WebDings Book about Foreign Juices - Wahaha! This better fetch a price on the market!

Dark Stone - I dunno what it is, but it looks cool. Probably something I can slap to one of my dark weapons!

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I _really_ have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

ho ho

this is the last of maribel and renko… for now! the battle is over, but not the war!

resistances! 100% ice resist, son

don't worry i don't plan on my guy wearing like two articles of clothing over one another without him getting too encumbered by it to keep doing it

that and it's fun to experiment!

aw, annoyed that one spider girl until she gave up trying to eat us, that was fun

to be fair who did she think she was gonna eat with WATER SPELLS, y'know the element that seldom does damage in and of itself . w ' like what was she gonna drown us on dry land

as always, see you all next time!


	72. Yuki-Woah, no!

(in which ice resistance is the best thing since sliced bread)

Steppin' out of the Golden Grin, I tried to scratch the back of my head, only to realize I had the sun racecar helmet on. Oh, shit…!

Matt noticed my delima. "Good job."

I like, slid my hand under my helmet to itch that itch that I just needed ta scratch…!

Me and Matt were now out on the village road! We should do somethin', yo. Somethin' that doesn't involve butchering people, preferably! Unless it's self-defense, but y'know, I gots a feelin' that we're kinda more well armed than the majority of villagers at this point. Not that that's ever stopped them from like, trying to poke Yuuka with their butter knives and getting turned into fertilizer figuratively and literally.

"We should _do somethin'_ , yo!" I make my intent known!

Matt adjusts his fedora. Where in hell did he find a fedora? "...Sure." Ho ho!

Let's see… I'd rather not visit the mansion again so soon. Preferably I'd like us to do another job but I don't wanna blow another innocent noob's ass out. Maybe we can get like six drunks together and have them help us fight like, a giga super murderer youkai or something. I'm not sure if that's more or less cruel and unusual…!

Geez, making money without building cabinets everyday takes some moral bargaining!

I look over at Matt. "Do you think they got any good non-murderization jobs on the job board?"

"No." He states bluntly. "Maybe."

...Not like we can read 'em, anyway. Maybe the lemming who stands guard around the thing will help read it to us. I'm willing to bet some of the youkai exterminators are illiterate.

As we continue down the road to the village square, suddenly a short, brown-haired girl in regal attire turns on a dime as she passes us, and begins walking along beside us. Her hair promptly turns some kinda lilac, and her eyes go from purple to red.

...Yeah, totally normal villager, I'm convinced. Seems legit, son.

Matt's equally perplexed by this. He subtly moves farther from her as we walk, 'cause she like, got to buddy buddy distance. She ain't no buddy!

"Hi!" She greets us peppily, but doesn't visually emote much. "I'm Celica." ...Her eyes are kinda like, not whimsical. I'm reminded of Remilia a bit...

Celica, huh. Mystery's solved, yo, we can pack it up and go home now. But seriously- "Ya got red eyes, vampire clothes, and your hair changed color as you walked up to us. Wadda ya doin'?"

She pouts slightly. "You should look in a mirror."

...Y'know, I think she has a point.

"Even so…" Celica smiles warmly, for some reason. "You're both undoubtedly human. I can smell it."

Yeah, this is goin' good places, yo. I can feel it!

...So yeah, we just keep walking for awhile. Some villagers give us stares because we look like a buncha freakin' lunatics, but none explicitly stare at Celica.

"You both remind me of somebody." Celica speaks up wistfully. "Would you fancy a walk outside the village walls with me?"

...Ya think we're fookin' stoopid!? I mean- we may look it, but that was a pretty half-hearted attempt at luring us into an ambush…!

We reach the village square! There's a scattered amount of people here, today. Not as busy as it usually is…

"You want the short answer, or the long answer?" I address her.

...Celica just stares at me-...

I notice weird lights form in her eyes, dimmed a bit by my helmet's visor, and I shut my eyes and look away. "Son- what the frik're you…"

"Hmm." Immediately after, she folds her arms and looks away. "That's too bad..."

...Once I feel it's safe to look at her again- 'cause that was probably some vampire magic bullshit- I give her my answers. "Well the short answer's 'no', and the long answer… is _nooo~_."

She giggles to herself. "I don't even see what the problem is. You humans are such timid creatures."

She turns to Matt. "And what of you? We can walk the woods, just the two of us."

"Let's not." Matt was already giving the job board idle glances from our position, not really invested in our conversation.

…

"I love you." Celica suddenly blurted.

Yeah, we're done here. "Freakin'- no. Go." I shoo her. "Flee. Desist!"

She giggles again. "...Okay. Then…"

She slides back from us, and stops in the middle of the square. Spreading her arms out, tiny bat things fly from her sleeves! They don't even look like real bats- their heads are _triangles!_

Of the flock that flies out, only four bats move to engage us… and by 'engage', I mean drift into our shoulders annoyingly and bounce off of us.

…

After a moment of doing this, they dissolve into the sunlight, vaporizing.

What.

Matt is sufficiently annoyed! "Hey, dental retard. Stop being annoying. We're _busy._ "

"Heh heh heh!" She gives a good honest laugh, yo. It's breathy! "So much like him… except for the clothing. Anyway…"

A~nd now she's talkin' to herself.

She holds out her hand as we menacingly approach!

Kr- _krack!_

A large, frosty snowflake generates before Matt. It begins spinning, blowing cold air onto him fast enough for it to be audible.

"Gh…" He shields his face, but his form is covered in a thin layer of frost.

Kr- _krack!_

A similar snowflake generates before me, and begins spinning quickly. Snowflakes and stuff brush off my face, but I don't really feel anything.

"I don't really get why people like you are always… so _troubled_." Celica admits. "This is a realization I've come to after many years of consideration."

"...S'that another jeer at our costumes?" I guess.

She doesn't emote at that. "No. I mean why you value your humanity, or fear death."

Matt replies bluntly. "I don't. Could you turn me into a vampire."

Celica blinks. "...Why, I'd love to! But, no… I won't take you today. Instead-"

A snowflake generates inside of me, son! Aaa~h!

 _Kr-kra~ck!_

It spins around, and some weird sensation washes over me, snowflakes seemingly drifting outward from me. Then- I slip a bit, because the floor under me is icy! Woah, shit!

I keep my balance, though! I look at her unsteadily…! "...Wh-what was that? You try to trip me?"

She blinks. "...What?"

Quick, baffle her with bullshit!

I _point_ at her! "Your suit… is _stuffy_."

 _Kr-kra~ck!_

Again, she casts that spell on me, with the snowflake inside 'a me and all that, and freezes the dirt under me solid again. "Freakin'- would you stop doin' that!?" I gotta refind my balance every time she does that!

...Furrowing her brows, she holds her hand out at a random civilian dude-

 _Kr-kra~ck!_

The snowflake generates inside of him-

 _Fwash!_ He's frozen solid, inside a thick block of ice.

...Oo~h. Ooo~h.

She sighs, hastily moving to the icicle guy. She stops midway, and turns to Matt. "You. Follow me outside the village walls. I'll grant you what you want."

Matt shrugs. "Sure, why not."

Son, don't make me follow you to try and save you from this freakin' vampire lady!

Hastily, she runs up to the icicle person, and lifts him with both arms. "Meal for later…"

...Looking back at me, she frowns and glares at me-

Fwoom.

...Oh- what the fuck!? I'm on fire! Fire on my chest!

Hastily, I reach into my bag, pull out Deep Blue, and undo the faucet-

Fwii~sh! Aa~h. Water, yo. Feels refreshing with all this cold resist stuff on… that fire felt like it went from zero to sixty. Jesus.

Her eyes widen. " _Water?_ "

...Matt slowly walks up to me, lookin' frost-swept, and taps me on the shoulder. The hanger's still going, so he gets splashed a little! "Can we just leave already?"

I gesture forward to the vampire lady without looking at her. "Freakin', we could get money if we stop this noob! She's a voompire!"

I look back at her-

She's already in the air over the village. Arrows fly up at her from various places I can't see amongst the houses and stuff- and some pierce her- but she doesn't seem to react, taking the iced mansicle away.

Keine runs onto the scene! "No!" She's really haulin' ass!

...She pauses to give a weird glance at me and Matt, before taking off into the air after the vampire girl.

…

Once they're both far enough away, things just return to normal, and people keep doing what they were doing. Yeah, just another Tuesday at the human village.

"There goes the reward." Matt nods at the air where they took off.

"Shit." Man, I feel like we coulda clobbered her, those low-tier ice spells she was using. Oh well.

"Hey, hold this." Matt holds out- holy _shit_ that thing looks evil. Black aura and shit! Where even was that- did he just have it up his ass or something?

"Son, put that away." I wave my hand at him. "You're gonna put someone's eye out, yo."

...After a moment, he puts the dark evil communist gangster computer god scissors away. Actually, wait. I hold up a hand. "Take that back out, yo."

...He takes it out again to humor me.

I put away Deep Blue, and take out Youkai Inconveniencer. With it out, I try to get it close a little bit…

White and black electricity start exchanging contact in the air between the dark and holy 'weapons'. They weren't right next to each other, either; this is like two or three feet apart.

"I wouldn't do that." Matt decides to put the scissors away before I could do more weird holy shit to them. Man, if Maribel was here she coulda tested what syphoning did to it…

Does Matt have like, twenty thousand dark resist or something? I feel like something that evil would just give you cancer because you had it in your pocket. Does evil work like radiation? Ho ho!

...Anyway, I idly proceed towards the job board, and Matt follows along behind me. Let us continue the search for more money! I mean, dude… I got one hundred percent ice resistance with twenty grand. Provided, Alice will probably extort the shit out of me next time I ask that of her again. I _bet_ she didn't count on me swinging around twenty grand…

We get to the job board! Everything's in Shebanglinese.

...Actually, there _is_ one job on here in English.

'Hep me to get revinge'

Sounds like quality work. What's the sitch, yo?

'Suunny took fav rock kill Sunny'

Okay.

'I give the rock. Cirno.'

...I'll refer you to a good youkai hunter later, Cirno! 'Cause that job's just a 'lil too vague for me!

You know what?

I walk over to the armored guard person thing by the job board. "Yo. You got any jobs relating to yuki-onna?" Might as well put this ice resistance to _work_. Plus I got a fire weapon, I'm basically every yuki-onna's worst nightmare. When they wake up at night, they hope they don't see the asshole in the camou kimono rocking a neon yellow racecar helmet.

"We _have_ received some complaints about miss Whiterock…" The guy put a hand to his chin.

Except for that yuki-onna. She'd probably just summon a huge spike of ice and turn me into cutlets. Ice _magic?_ That's cool, yo. Ice physical attacks? Eeuu~h. Not so much…

"Lesser yuki-onna." I clarify. "Anyone that can't summon huge fuck-you pillars of doom, or punch me to death."

He frowns at me. "Now that's just _too_ narrow."

Son. "Okay- _sans_ the punching part." I bet all the yuki-onna have stronger physical attack stats than me just because they're youkai…

The guy smirks. "Well, alright… there _was_ this one job this dude- Kirayashi- posted."

Kiroziro, got it. Mission intel updated!

Taking my leaking hype as a sign to continue, he continues. "He made some nasty remarks to some yuki-onna, and now they've taken his wife."

Oh.

"...How'd that happen?" I ask, scratching the back of my- helmet, right. Shit…!

He informs me! "They usually take walks to this flower patch outside the village wall- you know, the one with the purple flowers?"

"Yeah- I know _exactly_ the one you're talking about." ...There were _flowers_ around the village walls?

"Yeah- well, the yuki-onna came by and tried to intimidate them by freezing stuff- including the flowers- and he called yuki-onna cold-hearted bitches." The guard grinned. "Only thing is that he got frozen half to death, and she took his wife."

Matt spoke up. "Either she's dead, or she's dead and now a frozen lesbian sex doll."

The guard chuckles. "Yehehes, well, he'd like his wife back, dead or alive. You get more if she's alive, but yeah."

Wait. I raise a finger… "Only what, we bring the wife or the wife's frozen corpse?"

He nods. "Yeah."

...That means we _don't_ need a dead yuki-onna body! Ooo! Just a… dead wife body.

Hey, s'not me who did the killing. I'm a passive observer-slash-avenger!

"Oh, yeah…" The guard added another detail. "The guy'll be going with you, too."

Wait, what?

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We stood at the back gate of the village! This job's total is fifty thousand yen- and that's _if_ she's dead! Imagine the total if we actually save her ass!

Me and Matt are both pretty much ready as ever. This is my first time at this back gate…!

From here, I can see Yuuka's tree that she has in the midst of her sunflower field in the distance.

"Here he is." The guard from the job board briefly leans outta the village gate, addressing us. "Don't let him die, guys."

"No problem." I give him a thumbs up! "We're professionals, son."

"We won't get paid if he does." Matt lampshades. He's not wrong!

As the guard leaves, the job host walks out from the gate!

...Oh, fuck me.

He's about as scrawny as me, has generic anime protagonist hair, dinky armor, and this rusty iron sword. Oo~h, no~...

"He-hey, guys…" He lifts his sword, visibly offset by its weight 'cause it's like a broadsword unfit for him. "Let's kick some ass."

...Jesus fuck, he's a dead man, son. I'm gonna need those seven potions, and they won't be for me…

"Brad-ku~n!"

Aw, dude! Ha-chan found us!

Ha-chan floats from alongside the village wall. "The guards wouldn't let me in…"

Job host person looks at her, and flinches back violently. "Fa-fairy! Look out!"

Acting as quick as he can- which is like a couple seconds of trying to exert motion- he hobbles towards a nearby tree, trying to hold his sword upright as he does so. Holy shit, this guy, yo…

...Ha-chan just watches him quietly, before turning to me. "What're we doing?"

"We're finding a wifecicle." I reveal. "And maybe makin' some cash in the process."

Ha-chan tilts her head. "A what?"

"She's _not_ dead!" Anime protagonist guy barks at me! "Don't even joke about that!"

...I probably should save that for hushed conversation. At the same time, I can't take this guy very seriously…!

"Can we get going?" Matt is bored of standing here. "The yuki-onna probably bought a plane ticket to a different magical pocket dimension by now."

"...Probably should!" I agree, beginning to move. "Come along, Ha-chan! Also- make sure DudeMcDuderson over there doesn't collapse under the weight of the atmosphere."

Ha-chan salutes! "Aye aye, Brad-kun!" ...Slowly, she drifts over to the guy, looking really smug for some reason.

"Wa-wait…" It's taking anime protagonist man a few seconds to catch up. "You… know this fairy?"

I shake my head. "Nah, I posted this job on Craigslist, she just happened to show up. Freakin'- let's go!"

"Great." Matt moves along behind us. Ho ho…

With that, our party of four proceeds into the midday's light to find a spooky scary snow woman to whack with our blunt objects.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We're currently on the path leading away from the village. I got no idea where this gate's path even ends.

Of all people, the generic frik is the one leading us, since he thinks he knows where the yuki-onna took his chick.

You know what- "Hey, son, what's your name?" I ask the guy.

"...Akihito." He reveals. "Akihito Kawada. What about you?"

The dude who posted the job was supposed to be Kiro-something. What the frik. Freakin'- _somebody's_ gonna pay us for this excursion!

Hmm. "They call me Tubby Rock back in the north, dude."

...He looks away like he doesn't believe me. Hyonk, hyonk, hyonk…

"Tubby!" Ha-chan contributes meaningfully from the sidelines.

…

As we continue through the path, Akihito points at some generic foothill that's like… not quite Youkai Mountain, and really far from Youkai Mountain, but still too big to just be called a hill. It's got trees, though! "There. She took Fuyu-chan there."

Yeah, just point at a forest. Well, it's better than generic path, I guess.

He begins to step off the trail, and meander towards the forest. Me, Matt, and Ha-chan move to follow him so he doesn't freakin' trip and break his neck or something. Ha-chan's floatin', though…!

"So…" He makes conversation when we don't! "Why're you guys… no offense, dressed like… you are?"

I shrug. "Just woke up one day, son, and decided I wanted to become a military-grade yuki-onna marine."

"I'm a fancy asshole." Matt summarized.

"...I don't see how your outfits help in combat." Akihito admitted. "I mean- I know you guys are the youkai hunters, but…"

I point at him. "The fuck did you just say to me bitch?" I'll have you know I have over three hundred confirmed kills in the Scarlet Devil fairy infantry!" I will unleash my secret network of succubi, to wipe your asshole from the face of your ass! Or was that the other way around...

"He-hey, I didn't mean to, uhm…!" He looks back at me, holding up a hand to try and calm me!

I wave him off. "Just joshin' ya, son. Yo, this kimono gives me ice immunity. _Yo._ "

"Not really, he'll slit your throat in your sleep." Matt interjects, trying to instill fear!

...Akihito looks perturbed. Oh no.

The bushes rustle before we get to the woods proper! Ho ho!

A variety of _bullshit_ walks out. There's what looks like a harpy girl, a wolfman, and a slime girl. All of them got some weird glowin' triangle attached to their heads…

"Ho~ly shit, an enemy party!" I reach for my bag! "Freakin'- tactical back pedaling! Tactical backpedaling!"

The wolfman looks like a generic noob. The slime girl is blue, and jiggly. The harpy girl looks pretty generic, too…

"Oh- oh my God…" Akihito looks like the world just ended. "Sh-should we go back and get the guards? We're _toast._ "

...Dude. "Freakin'- we're out here to maim what is _probably_ a high-ish level yuki-onna, and you're this intimidated by the _mooks?_ These could be her pets!"

"No. Those belong to me."

From the brush, another girl walks out. She's like six feet tall, has a huge cloak, blonde hair, red eyes… and huge freakin' bazonkas!

She smirks at us. "I'll play with you three, for the time being. Simply killing time, waiting for my love."

Casting her hand forward, her mooks slowly begin shiftin'...

"The hell is this love guff…?" Matt begins strafin' a little…! "Is she from a Disney drama?"

...He looks at me! "Are _we_ in a Disney drama?"

Takin' out Tundra Bloomer, I buff my strength with a 'lil mana somethin' somethin'! "This is one freakin' violent Disney short…!"

"Vampire!" Akihito finally barks. Yes- we figured already! "Th- ah- _vampire!_ "

"Fufufu~..." Aw, this chick has the asshole laugh, too.

"Rr~gh…!" The wolfman starts barreling towards us. Before I can even think of a plan of action, Akihito runs at the thing sword first.

" _No!_ I won't let you!" Akihito barks at the wolfman.

Tossin' aside Tundra Bloomer for now, I take out Flame Salvo. It's time to deal some status effect bullshit!

Akihito swings at the wolfman, and whiffs completely. Wolfie reels his thick arm back, and-

 _Wham!_ Right in the torso!

"Aau~gh!" Akihito goes _flying_. Jesus fuck, dude.

I aim Flame Salvo at the wolf, and charge it with mana…!

Fwoo~sh! A jet of flames extends out a good fifteen feet, and brushes him. He ends up lighting on fire!

At first he's completely oblivious to it, charging through the flames to try and get to me. I just backpedal rapidly while keeping the flamethrower on him, until he's freaked out enough.

"Arh- rgh…" He begins to fall back once he's a fucking inferno. Jesus, no self preservation until it's totally hopeless, huh?

Matt's over near Akihito and Ha-chan, just minding his own business. The slime girl- is gone, and I don't know where. Oh boy.

I look up, and see the harpy begin to descend on the three.

"Hehehe~!" She giggles nonsensically, her talons extended as she hovers over them…

Za-Zap! Two weak thunderbolts strike from above, after Ha-chan raises an arm into the air.

"Ngh…" The harpy is staggered by them, but undeterred.

The vampire mistress extends her hand-

Fwoo~sh! A wind whirls around the wolfman, putting him out. I mean, he's like medium-rare, now, but it's the thought that counts.

Matt takes some kinda… what the hell is that, a gun? He takes a gun outta his backpack awkwardly, his other hand revealing that it held an electric pair of scissors this whole time. Huh. I guess I shoulda figured somethin' was up, since his right hand looks like it's got some big rubber engineer glove on.

Holding the gun upright, he places them in this slot in the top-

Ss~... it sizzles, dude. He always _was_ the one to screw with convoluted things… I think he's trying to harness the power of electric enchanted crap to make a _gun_.

The harpy nears him, giggling as she looked for an opening. "Hehehe~! Hahaha!"

...He holds up the gun. The harpy mistakes it for a sword, and tries to steal it away with her talons-

Zazazap! " _Eaabadabagauh!?_ " Her limbs dart about inhumanly fast and wildly, a few feathers flying off of her.

She jerks back in the air violently, before collapsing on the floor before Matt. "Ach…" Her features were freakin' sizzled.

...Looking down, I see slime running up my legs. Y'know, I half-expected that when I noticed the slime girl just vanished. She's water elemental, right? I think, blue slime and all. Oh, well, I'll just blow us both the fuck up like I did with that one water girl that tried to molest me on Mount Youkai-eat-man-jaro.…

Dropping Flame Salvo, I take out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber.

"Relax…" Unlike her friends, the slime girl might actually be sentient! "I… won't hurt."

...That's not the voice of a caring mother, son! That's the voice of your pal George about to shoot you in the head as you pet the bunny rabbits!

Crouching down- which causes more of her to envelop me up to my torso holy shit- I hit the ground-

Boom!

Woa~h! That _launched_ me! Blue slime splatted all over the ground beneath me, son!

Thud. I landed on my _back_. Ow~.

"N-no…!" Akihito finally got back up. Don't worry dude, the battle's already half over in the time it took for you to get your wind back! "Don't hurt them…!" You're a little late on that, son…

"Ngh- ngh…" The harpy girl convulses on the ground, trying to back away. Matt stands over her, still holding the gun. Oo~h, boy, he's going for a glory kill, isn't he? That's not gonna sit well with anyone!

"Hmph…" The vampire mistress frowns. "Weaker than I thought. Disappointing."

She snapped her fingers-

Crack, crack, crack!

The three triangles over the youkai's heads cracked, and shattered.

...The wolfman looks around, dazed. "Wh-woah… what the fuck…"

...Reforming before me- and quicker than I expected- the slime girl just looks around neutrally. "...Where?"

The harpy girl… is still convulsing. "Aa-aegh- ow o- mgh...!"

"Who wants _bird_ for dinner?" Matt holds the gun above her, ready to stab it down into her.

"Stop!" Suddenly, Ha-chan attacks! Reaching out for the gun, she grabs onto the barrel-

Zazazazazap!

"W-w-w-o-o-o-w-w-w…" Ha-chan ascends to a higher plane as she holds onto the gun, her eyes glowing a bright cyan.

"You two…" The vampire mistress steps forward! "You'll be my new toys." Freakin'...

Lifting the Bawmber again, I just _chuck it_ at her.

She shields herself with her arm-

Boom! It bounces off of said arm, seemingly doing nothing.

"Fufufu~...!" She beams brilliantly. "Explosives and guns will _never_ work on someone like me!" Oo~h, okay, you seem pretty excited about that…!

Matt's trying to fight Ha-chan off the gun. "Get off, you fairy bitch!"

"A-a-h-h-n-n…" Ha-chan moans electromagnetically!

...Turning towards the vampire, the wolfman flexes his muscles! "You _bitch!_ I'll _kill you!_ "

Okay, good, he'll buy me some time! I take out Deep Blue and Youkai Inconveniencer…!

Shaking her head, the buxom vampire snapped her fingers.

 _Boom!_

"Hau~..." Somehow, the wolfman let out a breathy moan as he exploded into, uh, yeah. _Stuff,_ son. Let's just say we're not gonna be able to put him back together…!

"Oh… my God…" Akihito realizes the meaning of the universe, his eyes wide.

"Stop…" The slime girl began to slowly meander towards the vampire.

"Tsk." She drew her arm back, and pulled out- she has a _gun!_ Like, an old ass rifle! It looks like a vintage nineteen-fifties-esque rifle. " _Goodbye_." She takes aim on the slime girl...

Matt finally jerks his gun in the right way, and Ha-chan's grip slips-

Two sizable, cyan orbs shoot from her hands once they disconnect, the projectiles flying in the vague direction of the vampire. Once they hit the trees next to her-

Woa-woa-woa~sh…!

Blue plasma erupted in spheres in the air around the vampire, engulfing her. "Guh…!?" She stumbled back a little, the electricity running up her, but doing not much else. "Lightning? Hahaha! Show me _more!_ "

Awkwardly pulling the valve on Deep Blue-

Fwii~sh! I am now soaked.

-I toss it over at the vampire.

She's too busy grinning at Ha-chan and Matt to notice it until it's too late. "Hmm- aah!?"

Splash! It bounces off of her!

" _Aaa~h!_ " She yells! "Wa-water!? When did you-...!?"

"Ha-chan!" I yell for support! "Thunder that chick, now!"

"A-ah…!?" Ha-chan looks around, frazzled!

In the commotion, Matt successfully jabs the gun into the dying bird girl.

Zazazazazap! She convulses and slams her limbs around with great speed once more-

"Aah-... a-ah…" Her whimpering slowly dies down and her movements slow, and her body catches fire. We~ll.

"Fuck…" Akihito is still here, by the way, but he's just kind of having a, like… 'genuinely reflecting' kinda moment. He's staring over at the bird girl, eyes wide.

Before the vampire can do something about the water, I aim Youkai Inconveniencer at her. " _Shine_ , bitch! Wake up, and smell the ashes!"

...Jesus, this thing eats enough mana for me to feel like I wanna take a nap after like one holy spell.

Fwoom! A softly glowing orb of light generates at the vampire's position, slightly engulfing her. "Nnh…" She grits her teeth. "You know not what bloodline you've angered…!"

Ha-chan raises her hand into the air!

Za-Zap! Two weak bolts strike down, engulfing the vampire.

"E-anh…" She jitters a bit, but the electricity's too weak. Freakin'-

"Matt!" I request help! "Charge Ha-chan up!"

"Of course." Taking a step back, Matt pivots to my fairy friend and jabs the gun into her side.

"E-e-e-a-a-h-h!" She lets out an echoy 'eep'!

"This- this isn't right! You're hurting her!" Akihito, shut the fuck up, Ha-chan _heals_ from electricity.

"No, son- no he's not!" I interrupt his never-ending downward spiral of pessimistic terror to inform him of things. "She's an electric fairy! If anything, she probably soiled her panties by now!"

Ha-chan held up her arm again, glowing brightly.

Zap! Zap! Instead of a thunderbolt, a ball of plasma generates at the vampire's position, appearing somewhat inside her.

"Nga~h…" The vampire cringes, convulsing slightly and her eyes uneven. "...I will not forget this. I will kill all of you."

A pillar of light extends from the sky, enveloping the vampire. When it closes, she vanishes completely, though we still hear her give a farewell. "I am Raymond, of the Serene household… and you have made a grave enemy."

…

Raymond's not even a _girl's name!_ She- the boobs- the…

I give the air a middle finger. "Yeah, yeah! Come back with a bigger gun!"

"Fufufu~..." Her laugh was carried by the wind, echoing across the woods.

…

"I don't like this anymore…" Akihito kneels, out of breath somehow. "So- so much… _death_. Why?"

I shrug. "I just kind of tune it out, and think about it off camera." Admittedly, this was one of the goriest fights I've had…! I mean, no use in cryin' over spilt milk. Matt could afford to be a little more _humane,_ but like, we _are_ in freakin' mortal combat with these youkai. That, and I know if he's like this, trying to be like 'killing innocent people is wrong' is just not gonna get anywhere.

…

The slime girl is still jiggling slowly in place, 'cause I inadvertantly saved her from getting shot in the face by throwing shit at the vampire. I dunno how much we actually weakened her, but in this land water is like the creme de la creme of vampire cruxes, even more than blunt tried and true holy.

Wolfman? What wolfman? I don't see no wolfman, yo. Just a, uh, red puddle.

The harpy is a sizzled mess in front of Matt. Freakin'... okay. Engh. Guess I'll just roll with that.

…

" _Ahn_ …" Ha-chan drops to her knees, still getting charged up by Matt's gun. " _Brad-ku~n_ …"

...Not sure if her thinking about me like that is a good thing or a bad thing. I really need some good electric resistance… if that's how two hundred percent feels, freakin'... yo!

…

Walking over to where the tall vampire woman was, I pick up Deep Blue off the ground, and turn it off. Freakin'... gotta play fifty two pickup with all my crap. I keep expending half my equip inventory every other freakin' meaningful battle. I need more hanger-bound spells.

The slime girl slowly moves up to me, and rests before me.

…

I stare at her, and she numbly stares back.

"Hello." I greet her.

"...Hello." She greets me back.

…

After a period of inactivity, she holds up an arm. "Thank…-"

Shink. Matt comes up out of nowhere and inserts that evil ass pair of scissors into her side-

"Aa-aahh…!" She starts wriggling and writhing unsteadily, her goo changing colors between blue, purple, grey, and black in a weird sorta flowy motion. " _Nnnaa~h!_ " I back up as she starts popping and melting, fucking tentacles blooming through her goo and seemingly like, absorbing it.

Once most of the goo is gone, and the tentacles retract, the scissors lay still on the ground, still smoggy and foggy.

"You missed one." Matt states plainly, as he moves to pick up the scissors.

I let my arms fall to my sides.

"Wh-what the hell…" Akihito, you know what? You're alright.

"Son." I grin at Matt. One of those 'I can't believe you just fucking did that you asshole' grins. "Why."

"We forgot to kill that one." He states plainly.

...Wow. Well! Damn.

"That…" I dunno where to even take this sentence. "That was not okay, son. There's like-" I raise my hand and make a circle! "-there's like, there's a few different shades 'a asshole, son, and that like… that crossed the line, son."

"I didn't know there was a line." Matt makes another plain statement.

...I give him a good look to make sure whether or not he's bullshitting me. That's always kind of a feeling I got with him whenever he like, didn't seem to share feelings of empathy. It's just so surreal.

He seems like he doesn't know what he did was _wrong_ … but at the same time I'm sure he knew full and well. The moment that happened- when I watched that slime frik die- I considered hitting up Reimu or someone. But, y'know what? I don't need the big shots.

I point at him. "Son, the next time I see ya murderize without justification, I'm kicking your ass without justification."

Akihito walks up next to me. "And I'll be right there with you!"

…

I just give him a _stare_. "Son, you don't even know what the hell just went through my mind."

Akihito turns to me awkwardly. "We-well… I mean, what he did was wrong!"

I point at him. "Can ya tell me _why?_ "

…

Akihito just looks away. "Well, killing's… wrong!"

Yeah, piss off, Akihito. Ya freakin'... _boob_.

Matt doesn't emote or say anything, looking away.

...I move to pick up the Bawmber. Taking some glances around the forested clearing, I see Ha-chan's like, recovering from her electrogasm.

...You know how weird it musta been for Akihito? To watch two dudes in a freakin' racecar helmet and a mask argue morality? Wahaha! That dude's probably gonna go home tonight and wonder what shrooms he ate! Y'know, _if_ he makes it home tonight. He _literally_ just got punched and sat the entire last fight out.

Still… frik. Oo~h ho ho ho… this is gonna be a long quest. That freakin' chick better still be alive, or Akihito's gonna freakin' die inside. Or just literally die, he could end up doing that too.

Once I get my stuff, and Ha-chan freakin' restabilizes, we get a move on. We didn't even have to spend any potions yet, yo… although Akihito might need one after that chest punch. He seems fine enough now, though…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Aah, yes. Forests, trees. Occasional fairy that peppers us with weak elemental magic or danmaku. Y'know, the usual stuff…

"Ow~." Ha-chan got bushwhacked! Aa~h!

...Akihito looked like he wanted to say something, but kept quiet. Y'know that's… probably for the better. When you're not being a freakin' _moron_ , you're giving Matt ammunition to freakin' mangle your hopes and dreams.

Playing with my helmet, I fiddle with the visor a little bit…

Cli-click. Oo~h… what's up with- oh hey! Apparently if you press this button on the upper right of the helmet, you can slide the visor up and down. Good to know…

Reaching up, I slide it up and stuff. Now my face is a face again! I'll probably slide it back down later, though...

"Aw, son…" I turn to Akihito as we progress through the brush! "If some _gangsta'_ is dissin' yo _fly girl_ … ya just give 'em one 'a these!" Abruptly, I reach into my sack, pull out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, twirl around, and chuck it-

Boom! It explodes in a bush right next to us, causing us both to flinch!

Akihito just sighs melodramatically. Wahaha!

...Now I'll just go pick that back up. Blown up bush is fun bush, son.

…

After aimless meandering through the brush, we come across a _scene!_

We have indeed found a yuki-onna! She's got long black hair and a smug look on her face, and her robe is long, white, with many transparent, ornate designs along it. She's freakin' tall, too- six feet, like the vampire. At the moment, she's staring off into a small pond nearby…

"There she is!" Akihito speaks in a hushed whisper as we all gather in this _one_ bush behind her like a bunch of freakin' mooks. "I-I don't see Fuku-chan anywhere, though…"

...She gives off a very regal presence. Akihito, your life is one of many crappy choices, but this has to be like, your lowest performance. Yes, let us insult the intimidating looking yuki-onna outside the village walls. What can go wrong.

If his _fly girl_ isn't somehow dead by the end of this, I'm just gonna head down to like, Reimu's shrine, and just sleep for a day.

…

After awhile of us just staring at the yuki-onna, Akihito stands up abruptly, followed by Ha-chan. Go our bruisers!

"Yo-you…!" I'm surprised he worked up the balls to do that! "Where's Fuku-chan!?" He steps forward, his arm bobbing as he tries to keep the broadsword straight as he walks.

The yuki-onna turns around on a dime. "Human? How have you found me, here?"

"I came looking for you!" Akihito steels his posture… which is to say vaguely took a good battle stance, not that he knows what to do with it. "Yo-you… you took Fuku-chan away from me!"

...She simply stared at him, for a moment, before frowning. "Human. Do you know _why_ I did what I did?"

Akihito stepped towards her! "You don't like what I said, that's why! You think you're _past_ arguing!"

"...Do I not have the right?" She folds her arms. "The indiscriminate slaughter of my sisters leaves me with little remorse, and your ignorance leaves me little reason to dwell on you. Leave me peace, and I will let you live."

...I like how she's totally ignoring Ha-chan, who's just inching closer to her along with Akihito.

"Whiterock told me… to give humans a chance." The yuki-onna admitted! "So I have. I am right now, too. _Leave_."

" _Never!_ " Akihito's grip on his sword tightened… "I've been through too much to go back now!"

…

The yuki-onna gave a shuddering sigh. "So cold… everything…"

She began drifting back, over the small pond. Akihito lashed forward, which was about five seconds too slow to hit her as she drifted back. "Agh…! Damn it!"

"I'm sorry, Letty." The yuki-onna stared down at the man. "Today… I am out of forgiveness."

Kroo~m. Kroo~m.

Alongside the small pond, two slabs of grey rock erect from the earth, each nearly identical to one another. Triangular, jagged rocks. Their front faces were etched with swords, weird atom-like shapes, and celtic runes.

 _Viking monoliths_. Holy _shit_.

Let me put things in perspective: I saw those things in a video game once. They shoot _ice elemental master sparks_ , and cast a variety of powerful attack buffs and expert-level ice spells. She's summoned the goddamn ancient embodiments of asskicking viking culture just to lay down indiscriminate frosty doom on our asses!

Yeah, this is not gonna be fun for anyone other than me. If they make huge icicles from the floor, I'll probably not have fun either, though. Ice resistance only goes so far, I'm pretty sure...

Alright: battle plan.

For one thing… Akihito's gotta get the _fuck_ outta dodge! He will _die_ if _one_ of those lasers hit him. Freakin'- I'm pretty much the only person who'll _live_ through those lasers. The critical thing here is that pretty much all of their attacks are gonna be ice, so I'm good. It's just everyone else… will not be good.

Matt probably already knows what viking monoliths are since he's played Epic Battle Fantasy. Even if he doesn't recall, I'm sure weird runed rocks appearing out of the ground might convince him to hide behind a tree and scout or something. They don't exactly look like they came to have tea...

Ha-chan's probably going to fly too close to one and die within the first ten seconds of fighting, so frik. That, and they can cast party-wide ice spells so those'll probably just blow her up.

I know one thing's for sure, though. I gotta get my _ass into gear_ and do something!

Standing up, I make myself known! "Hehehe~y, what's in the kno~w!?"

Akihito looks at the monoliths, bewildered but still pissed at the yuki-onna. "Guh… what did you do!?"

"Who are you?" The yuki-onna glares down at me. Ho ho~h. "Wait…" Her brows furrow. "There is another. You brought _help_..."

"He~y, now…" I raise a hand diplomacymatically! "Help- y'know, help's a… a _strong word_ -"

"We're here to put an end to your evil!" Akihito, _please_. "No one human would ever do something like this!" Uu~h… did you literally _not see_ Matt just shank and tentacle that slime girl? Unless y'don't think he's human, I wouldn't blame ya, but freakin'... you're givin' your fellow man a bit much credit there!

"I see how it is, now." The yuki-onna's enraged expression fades to one of just dismissive rage. O~h, boy… "Humans haven't changed. Whiterock was _wrong_."

The monolith on the left makes a low hum. I look over at it, and it seems a magical circle has formed before it, glowing a soft bluish-white that reminded me of winter and ice. Outward from the frosty circle, ethereal blades generated in a circular pattern, blooming forth and slightly revolving around the rest of the pattern…

Suddenly, the yuki-onna seemed to jerk back in surprise, before refocusing on us. A blue glow of some kind runs up her form, for only a moment.

Similar glows travel up the two monoliths, for only a moment. From what I know, that buffs attack and magic attack up to seventy percent… which is a freakin' lot!

The other monolith creates a snowflake-shaped magical circle before itself. Nothing seemingly happens, but as it fades out, the monolith is left with like, blue underlighting. I think it just charged up its master spark…

I look for Matt, but can't seem to find him…

The yuki-onna casts an arm outward. "I will prove humanity's worthless nature to Whiterock through your corpses."

 _Kri~ng!_

A huge spike of ice, shaped like a blade, erupts from under a tree.

...Matt steps out from around the blade as it retracts back into the earth.

Bam! The tree that was uprooted fell to the ground nearby. Jesus fuck…!

"We'll never stand down! We're strong!" Akihito~...! You freakin' stupid…!

Akihito looks over at one of the nearby monoliths, and begins moving around the tiny pond to engage one. Okay- no, you're not dying that easily…

I run up to him, and grab his shoulders from behind.

"He-hey- get off!" He tries to resist me, but Tundra Bloomer's strength buff from before lets me hold on pretty easily. That, and Akihito's a freakin' wimp.

"Son- look, son, son…" I try to get his attention! "Those rocks- we ain't strong enough to fuck 'em up." Genuinely, I don't even know what the hell works on those things. It's been some time, but I'm pretty sure they're healed by ice magic and stuff, and that's about it. Did earth magic work well on them? Maybe, but I doubt Gaia Seed will freakin' do _anything_.

Turnin' to me, he narrows his eyes. "How do you know?" Akihito, do you really wanna die _that_ badly?

"Dude- they're super magic glowing asshole rocks!" I summarize them in a simple sentence! "You can't even cut a _person_ with that sword! They'll blow you the fuck up!"

"They're just _rocks!_ She- she probably has some stupid seals on them I can rip off!" Akihito argues with me!

Suddenly, he awkwardly maneuvers out of my arms, and keeps moving towards the leftmost monolith. Akihito- you stupid bast-

FWOASH

 _O~kay!_ The viking monolith on the right just… yeah. My vision was blinded for a moment, because

I was hit by an ice elemental particle beam of doom. It pretty much _is_ an ice version of the master spark…

I stumble back after it passes through me, because that was _weird_. I didn't get hurt, but… it was like when you got hit by a particularly powerful gust 'a wind, and it just takes your breath away.

Akihito's staring back at me with wide eyes. "...Wh-what-... what was _that!?_ "

"Take a freakin' guess…" I still feel outta sorts from that beam…

ZaZap! Two little thunderbolts rain down on one of the monoliths, from Ha-chan, somewhere. Nothing visibly happens, because the monolith's a freakin' rock.

She hovers in from above the trees, seemingly having slipped away despite being by Akihito earlier. "Don't shoot big lasers!"

Completely ignoring the fairy, the yuki-onna leers down at us- _me specifically_. "...I don't know how you survived that. I'll just take your allies first, then."

The leftmost monolith creates a snowflake-shaped magical circle before itself, which dissipates just as quickly. It's now charged up and ready to laser beam our asses.

"Look, son…" I turn to Akihito. "Just get into the bushes and do laps around the battle, or some shit. You _literally_ can't fight anything without dying _immediately_."

...Numbly, he nods, before clumsily darting for the woods behind us.

I look for Matt, but it seems he's probably ducked behind another tree or something, and is making himself scarce. At least _he's_ smart.

Reaching into my bag, I look back up at the yuki-onna, and- woah hey now…

She's drifting down towards me, grimacing. "...Your strategies only prolong this. Do you not see how cruel this is to your friends?"

Despite being mid-conversation with me, the leftmost monolith fires its laser at me anyway-

FWOASH

That feels so _we~ird…!_ The ground under me is like, a layer of just _ice_ now. Clumsily keeping my footing, I move to the side so as to get out of this cross-shaped layer of ice generated by the ice sparks. Fortunately, they don't last as long as Marisa's sparks, even if they're almost as big.

 _Woash._ The rightmost monolith creates another snowflake circle before itself…

 _Kri-krack!_

A snowflake- similar to the one that vampire cast one me earlier- generated in the middle of my form, spinning for a bit before dissipating. The monolith just tried to freeze me solid!

The yuki-onna just stares at me with a mix between disgust and curiosity. "...You seem to have a lot of heat, human."

Finally having a free moment, I reach into my bag and fish around for Flame Salvo… "Yeah, yo. Dude- lunatics can't feel the cold." Honh, honh…

She frowns. "...You wouldn't mind _sharing_ some of that heat with me, would you?"

I still don't know whether or not a yuki-onna's doom hug is ice-based or death-based. I guess I'll find out if she grapples me. "Yeah- I dunno, yo. You seem a little cold, and y'know, the weather's chilly and all-"

" _Give me your life._ " Yep, straight to the point! Honesty: I like that!

Whirling up to me before I can even pull anything out of my sack, she pulls me into a tight hug. To my disappointment, she didn't do anything like that other yuki-onna; by which I mean she didn't expose her breasts and try to tempt me. Even so, the long hems of her kimono seemed to wrap around my back and press me firmly into her, keeping me from resisting or moving anything.

Also, since we're the same height, we were pretty much just face to face. Not gonna lie, she's pretty damn good looking! That's probably the point, though. Freakin' yuki-onna.

A strange feeling of comfort washes over me, and she smiles. "Relax."

…

…

…

Well, I'm relaxing, alright. Her hug feels pretty good, and it's not just 'cause her breasts are firmly pressed against my chest. There's something just _good_ about it. I'm also not getting any colder, or tireder- at least, not to an unnatural extent. I can totally see falling asleep in her grasp if-

FWOASH

-if these goddamn monoliths stopped shelling us with master sparks! Jesus!

Her smugness dissipates into a dismal grimace again. "I-... cannot feel your heat. No… you have no heat to give." Wat. "Who are you?"

Crack, crack, crack! For some reason, bursts of ice explode in the air around us, before the ice generated by said blasts dissipates immediately. Is the air itself getting molested?

Pi~chun! Ha-chan, noo~! Awh… frik. Oh, well. I was hopin' she'd see this through, yo. That's the thing about a tiny health pool…

...I grin at the yuki-onna. "I know your game, _son_."

...She doesn't know what to make of that. "You'll have to elaborate."

"Woah, what the hell's goin' on here…?" A wolfman steps onto the scene, looking around idly. "I heard weird bullshit. I didn't know it was just gonna be some icy fuckfest."

The yuki-onna doesn't directly acknowledge him, but her expression turns dry.

FWOASH

The rightmost monolith seems to have charged again while I was getting molested by the snow woman. The beam went for the wolfman-

 _Fwash!_ Immediately after it passed through him, as it dissipated I saw his form frozen solid. I had to look past the yuki-onna's face to see the action happen…

 _Woash_. The leftmost monolith made another snow-circle before itself, which vanished a second later…

A huge spike of ice fell from above, over the wolfman-

 _Kra~ck!_

Both icy forms shattered, the wolfman now a thousand little pieces. Oh, good. Talk about a wombo combo.

I feel the yuki-onna's arms run across my back, which feels weird. "Speak. How has a human like you adopted the cold?"

...I like how we're just gonna low-key ignore how that wolfman was annihilated off the face of the earth. Then again, wolfmen seem almost as prevalent as fairies, except they don't respawn. I gotta ask about them at some point, because everyone seems to treat them like freakin' common animals, even if they're vaguely sentient.

Oh, yeah, her question. I'd shrug, but I'm so snug right now that I can't even do that. "Freakin'- I found it at the park one day in a little box! Took it in, fed it from a bottle-"

"Do not use that attitude with me, human!" She yells in my face! "I will extract the secret from you."

...Is stacking ice resistance really _that_ big of a secret? Does no one think to do this?

Actually, idea…

"Hey…" I decide to ask her a question! "Does my breath stink?" Before she can reply, I open my mouth and blow into her face.

...She frowns. "Yes."

Awh. Yeah- figures. How does Gensokyo do dental hy-...giene… nevermind. Eientei probably eliminated the need for toothbrushing a long time ago.

Now, I ask her another question! "Does _your_ breath stink?"

...She looks away, for a moment, before repeating my actions and blowing into my face.

...Reminds me of a rainy day. That sorta ambient scent when you're on an asphalt road and it just rained and everything's raw.

"S'not that bad." I decide.

Shaking her head, the yuki-onna frowns at me again. "Cease your sidetracking. Since you are an anomaly, I will take you with me." If ya let go of me for even a moment, you're getting a flamethrower up the ass, sweetie.

I take one last look around for the noobs. Matt's off somewhere, and I have no idea if Akihito bailed or not… and Ha-chan's just dead, for now.

FWOASH

We get shelled by another master spark of ice. The yuki-onna holding me seems to look positively refreshed every time that happens, likely because ice heals her.

Floating up with me still in her embrace, the yuki-onna begins to drift off with me. Oh~ boy, yo. I get to see her home!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After a few moments of just flying- I dunno where in Gensokyo we even _are_ , but it's somewhere far off the beaten trail from where I usually wander- I begin to screw around.

My arms refuse to articulate around myself, locked firmly forward by the cloth of her kimono. Around _what_ , though…?

Instead of moving my arms back towards myself, I try to move them forward. I seemingly shift a little as my arms run up something, probably her hips-

"What are you doing?" She's been frowning into my face this whole time.

...Moving my face forward, I try to rub my nose against hers-

"Stop." She moves her face to the side to avoid me. I sadly cannot follow suit because I'm freakin' trapped, yo.

...I try moving my legs, but they just don't move, probably bundled up well. I feel like I'm trapped in a bunch of blankets, and I dunno how to feel about that.

...Moving my face forward again, I begin using it to dot her cheek as she faces away from me.

" _Genuinely_." She's getting more annoyed, yo! "If you do not stop, I will freeze you."

"Can't freeze me, noob." I counter! "Hyonk, hyonk, hyonk!"

...My language simply causes her to look slightly lost for a moment, before she becomes unexpressive again. "If only I could find Whiterock. She'd know what to do with you."

I shake my head. "Freakin'- do you have any spells besides freezing people or stabbing them with ice?"

…

She blinks at me. "Admittedly, no. I have no need for such things."

I'd gesture to myself, but I'm trapped! "Yeah, until me! If you had some fire magic, I'd be freakin' dead."

She snorts. " _Fire_ magic. You do know what I am, right?"

"Well- _yeah_." I give that that, "but freakin'- some spell variety is good so you don't end up cornered by friks who're resistant to you."

"I don't need a human to tell me such things." She counters.

"A'right, yo." I relent. "I'm just sayin', though."

…

As we float over some trees, she interromagates me a little! "Why are you as cold as I am?"

"Am I?" I question. I don't feel cold at all.

"Yes. You are." She sighs. "Have you simply stumbled into such a trait?"

...I smirk at her. "I 'unno, maybe. Mighta been all that ice cream I ate the other day."

...She gives me the _driest_ of looks. Wahaha!

Wish I could do more than peck her with my nose, but this helmet's kinda in the way, even with the visor up. Nngh.

"Where the hell did you get _viking monoliths_ from?" I question her support! "Those are kinda high-tier!"

"You know of them…?" She seems surprised! "Let- Whiterock informed me that they were relics of an ancient era, long gone. A powerful blend of magic, technology, and spirit, left behind by a society of warriors."

...Yeah, that works. "So how'd Letty get her hands on 'em?"

" _Whiterock_ ," she stresses, "...I am unsure."

S'good.

Suddenly, things are dark! We've floated into a cave! I can still make out the glowing teal of the yuki-onna's eyes, and the slight glow of certain icicles in here…

...Eventually, we come up to some light in the midst of the cave.

The yuki-onna lands, and lets go of me.

Woa~h! Being out of her embrace feels so… feels like I just climbed out of bed!

Looking around the cave, I see a small fire burning in the middle, sticks and small branches piled on one another. The icicles around the room glow with an amber tint, and I see some brown, bobby-haired woman crouched before it…

"Oh?" The girl looked up from the fire. She had villager-esque rags and stuff on. "Hey, Gen-chan."

"Greetings." The yuki-onna said hello, yo. "How do you fare?"

She smiled. "Well enough. This cave traps heat surprisingly nicely."

…

The girl looks over at me. "So, what're you in for?"

"I was too cool for school." I inform her. "So I've been taken to cold academy, so I can get the cool down to… loel. Yo." 'Loel' is not a word…!

"...I was approached by that _ignorant human_ again." 'Gen-chan'- the yuki-onna- bitterly glared into the fire. "I nearly killed him."

"You what!?" The girl suddenly stood up. "I-I thought you were over that, Genkan!"

...Genkan? That's a curious name.

"I cannot simply be ' _over_ ' human ignorance." Genkan stressed, her features tightening. "Though it may not reflect on your entire species, the stigma about the majority of them is all too true."

...She looks over at me as she says that.

...The girl looks over at me as well.

What? I got somethin' on my face?

I shrug at them. "Waddaya want me ta say?"

"I'm expecting something about how humanity is supposedly 'not all that bad'." The yuki-onna admits.

"Are you even human…?" The human girl doubts my humanity!

"He _is_ human." The yuki-onna clarifies for her.

"Oh."

Hmm. What can I say about my fellow man, yo…? I mean, saying that you expected me to say everyone's a saint is pretty much bait for the opposite. It's honest, too…! Guess I'll walk into the bait and roll with it!

I look over at Genkan. "Humans _suck_."

She rolls her eyes. "Your kind often love to feign self-awareness."

...Hold up, this makes me wonder something. "Has there ever, in history, been a society of yuki-onna?"

…

She furrows her brows. "Humans wouldn't ever allow it."

I hold up my arm, moving towards the fireplace instinctively even though I don't need heat. "Well- probably not- but if there were a society of just you snow chicks, how'd you act?"

...Keeping her distance from the fire, she furrows her brows at me. "I fail to see your point."

"Just humor me." I ask 'a her.

…

"I know too few of my sisters to be certain." She admits. "I would like to think civil."

You would _like to think_ civil. I'd like to think we humans could be civil, too. That's pretty different from reality, though…!

The girl who was just in this cave for some reason speaks up. "Well-... we all kinda hope we can get along, but that doesn't always work out, especially with so many people."

"Humans are innately uncivilized and instinct driven." Genkan makes her counterargument! "Yuki-onna, however, are not. Therefore, our societies would be inherently different."

...Y'might be givin' your sisters too much credit there. That other one I met that showed me her tits and tried to eat my soul didn't seem very together.

"But-...!" The girl tries to counter argue. "U~gh…" Good job.

"Barring the fact you only know a few snow chicks…" I begin my own counter-argument! "A~nd… the fact that humans as a whole- not gonna lie- do suck, I'd like to stress a few things that wouldn't match up with what'cher sayin'."

"Get on with it." Genkan allows me to push on!

"For one thing, weren't youkai generated from human fear?" I bring the origin of youkai up. "If so… aren't they inherently based on human qualities and flaws and stuff?"

"Who told you that?" Genkan herself may not know the origin of youkai, however. "If such is what the village school teacher preaches, it may have been for the best that the school was burned down."

...I'm not even gonna question what the hell happened in the village, but- "Nah, yo. I heard that from pretty much everyone wit' smarts." Also, knowing of Gensokyo from the internet! Got them meta strats, dude…

"Names are meaningful." Genkan indirectly urges me to give her names.

"Patchouli Knowledge, Eirin Ya~gokoro, kinda sorta Yukari…" I wobble my hand back and forth-

Genkan tries somethin' ballsy! "None of which are people you know."

"Yo- it's as easy as walkin' up to them and askin' 'em questions." Maybe not with Yukari, but still, yo. They listen most of the time!

"A task in and of itself." She counters.

I point at her. "You ever tried?"

…

She turns away from me, staring at the glittering icicles. "Who would?"

Hah! I stand up! " _There_ ya go, son! You lose!"

"Wh-what do you mean?" She glares at me! "All I've been able to figure is…" She pauses, not knowing how to summarize our rambling either.

The girl speaks up from the sidelines, after throwing some more sticks and branches into the tiny fire. "Basically, all he's trying to say is that you should understand… that not everyone's nice, regardless of what they are."

" _I_ should understand?" Genkan seems offended by the notion. "They kill my sisters, pollute nature, and proceed to disgrace all that which they took with their ignorance and ineptitude. They should be asking my kind for forgiveness, and never should they be forgiven."

I nod. "They also get to die if anything supernatural so much as breathes on them. While big scary magic people are glaring at them for not being understanding, they're glarin' back for also not being understood. Y'see what I'm gettin' at here?"

"They don't deserve to be understood." Genkan decides. "Not when they close their minds so."

...I point at her. "Do _you_ deserve to be understood?"

Her eyes widen.

Before she barks somethin' at me, I add more. "'Cause yer mind ain't lookin' so open from here."

…

She turns away from us.

…

As the fire crackles, I look over at the girl, who just seems deflated after that discussion, for some reason. I, on the other hand, feel invigorated!

"Hello, friend." I greet her. "You Akihito's babe?"

...She blinks. "Yo-you know Aki-kun?"

I chuckle. "Do I know him? I watched him nearly eat shit on like three different occasions."

She looks worried! "What do you mean…?"

We~ll… "On our quest to find ya and save ya- that was the whole premise, y'see- we met this vampire on the way, and she sent a buncha mooks at us and basically played around."

...I look over at her, and she just looks baffled. "Va- _vampire!?_ "

Genkan looks over at me. "So you saw her, too, then."

I nod. "Yeah. Long story short, Aki got decked by a wolfman, the wolfman got blown up by the vampire, and… that's about it." Just gonna low-key leave out the part where Matt slaughtered the innocents…!

"Is- is he alright!?" The wife looked apprehensive! "He's not hurt, is he!?"

"...I don't _think_ so." I give her my most sure answer with a sheepish grin! "If the viking monoliths didn't shoot ice particle beams up his ass, and if he wasn't ganked on the way home, he _should_ be fine."

...Wifey looks freakin' _mortified_. "Viking- _whats?_ Did he get home!?"

Considering money was on his head, I doubt Matt would let the guy get ganked on the way back, though. That's one thing you can count on with Matt: he likes to do a lotta things within his best interests. I mean, as do we all, but… yeah. He's just a tad more fickle yet still really resolute about his interests.

If something goes wrong with this job and I don't get any money, I probably really am just gonna head down to Reimu's and sleep for a day!

" _Probably._ " I give her my best answer. "...Probably."

"What was his intent?" Genkan steps towards the fire as it begins to die out a bit… "You were hired, were you not?"

I nod. "Yeah, me and that other guy were contracted. Basically: get wife back, get money, Aki-noob wanted to come along. I took the job 'cause the main goal wasn't bringing back a youkai head, which I'd like to _avoid_ where possible..."

...This causes Genkan to look pensive. "Why, then, was he so enraged?"

I let my arms flop to my sides. "Dude- y'took his wife, probably means a lot to him. Hey- hey, what'd you do if you found out a buncha hairy men killed Letty?"

" _What!?_ " Suddenly, her eyes flare up with teal light, and the human wife girl nearby instantly begins shivering violently.

"Ea~sy!" I hold up my arms! "S'hypothetical! _Hypothetical!_ "

...Gradually, she defluffs…

"See my point?" I grin at her.

"No." She gives me a bitter grimace. "...Yes."

…

"Can…" The wife speaks up, shivering. "Ca-can I go home, now?"

…

Genkan sighs. "...Very well. I shall escort you back."

Du~de. I got the diplomatic ending! I feel accomplished, for some reason! Didn't have to flamethrower her in the boobs after all!

Gradually, the two girls seem to work up the willingness to move from their places in the cave…

The fire's out, now, although for some reason the icicles began glowing unnaturally. I bet they're enchanted. Although… "Why'd you take his wife ta begin with?" I ask Genkan, before we get moving.

...She huffed. "I wanted him to experience the pain of loss."

Yeah, and then you wanted him to experience the pain of _death_. It's like I'm trapped in a land of angsty teenagers with superpowers…!

"Oo~h…" Wifey anxiously dances behind us! "Please be okay, Aki-kun…"

We begin to walk outta the cave. Ho ho…

As we move forward, the icicles light up with unnatural, yet cool looking lights to illuminate our way. Ho ho…!

"Those icicles are freakin' cool." I comment on them!

...I receive no response. Awh.

…

After a while, wifey comments on them, too. "They _are_ really pretty…"

"You both may take one, if you want." Genkan suddenly speaks up!

"Really…!?" Wifey seems to really like this!

...She moves up to one of the thinner ones, and starts pulling on it, but nothing happens. "Nn~gh…"

"...If you are strong enough." Genkan smugly adds after the fact. "Come. They are so firmly established that humans such as yourselves would need to be at peak power to remove them."

"Hold up." I raise a hand, signalling her to wait.

"...Try if you must." She gives us a cold smile.

Reachin' into my bag of tricks, I pull out Flame Salvo!

Crouching before the thin icicle the wife tried to aggress, I begin tapping the base with Flame Salvo…

Flames lick around the areas I tap, and dissipate almost immediately. Even so, with each tap I give the ice begins melting…

"What?" Genkan is taken aback. "...Fire magic?"

I smirk at her. "Yeah, yo. I'm carrying a miniature flamethrower."

...She looks like she doesn't know what to think about that.

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap…!

Crack!

I pull the illuminant icicle from its weakened base, and slip it into my bag. "You'll find that I'm quite well prepared!" Most of the time! Some of the time…!

"I'll keep that in mind." Genkan nods slowly…

I begin on removing another nearby icicle, of similar size.

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap- ooh, this one's slightly burlier. Tap…!

Crack! It is now loose!

Easily pulling the icicle free, I hand it over to Aki-frik's wife.

"Coo~l…" She grabs it- "Aah, cold…"

"Do they melt normally?" I question!

"Yes and no." Genkan begins moving for the cave exit. "They're enchanted to be sturdier, however, they are not heatproof, as you may have observed."

Find a way to enchant mine to not melt and then try to slap it onto a plant hanger, got it!

With that we continue towards the cave's exit…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We are now outside the cave! It seems to be stationed inside of some big, grey rock, most of which seems embedded in the earth. Around the outside instantly is dense pine forestry and bushes, which is pretty different compared to the trees of the magic forest. Those trees're so tall I'm still not entirely sure what the leaves seem like up close!

"So chilly…" The wife hugs herself. I really should get her name at some point.

...Genkan looks around idly.

I hear a shifting sound, and I look where she looked…

A person-sized, tubby fluffle has emerged from the dark brush, and is smiling at us from the shade. "ive found you"

…

 _Kri~ng!_

Similar to before, Genkan made a tree-trunk displacing size blade of ice erupt from under the fluffle, smashing it into dust.

"Wo-woah!?" Wife friend didn't notice the fluffle until it was annihilated. "What was that…?"

"Nothing important." Genkan summarized in monotone. "Come."

Freakin' fluffles. I still remember that one from Fred's house, I really liked that one for some reason. I'm a fat tub fat tub, son. Would you like to be like me.

…

As we meander through the woods, probably on the way to the human village, I turn to our yuki-onna ally. "Say, yo…"

She idly glances at me as we continue.

"Would you hug me on the way back?" I make a request! It feels awkward to make, too!

...She stares at me dryly. "Why~?"

"It feels good." I inform her.

...She doesn't look like she knows what to do with that information!

"Aww…" Wife person speaks up. "He likes you." Goddammit, wife-of-Akihito-who-I-don't-know-the-name-of. This is no strings attached cuddling!

Genkan furrows her brows at that. "...I doubt that greatly."

"Hey, hey…" I wag my finger at wife person. "It's no strings attached cuddling, yo."

"Is there even such a thing…?" I receive a skeptical stare from wifey person! "Can't you just say you like her?"

You~ freakin' romantic types! Yo- I've known her for less than five hours, and she tried to freeze me to death and steal my soul and stuff. I mean, I can overlook some of those things, but freakin'... five hours!

"Okay- fine." I raise my hands in surrender! "She's _cute_."

...Wife person keeps pressing. "A~nd?"

"I think you should be quiet." See, yo? Genkan knows what's up! "You demonstrate a lack of understanding in how love is truly forged."

"Oo~h?" Wife person walks closer behind us! "How is it 'truly forged', then?"

Genkan doesn't dignify her with a response for a bit. Let us ask a literal ice queen how love is forged…!

"It takes time." Genkan eventually decides. "Time, and understanding."

...Wifey blinks. "Is that all?"

Genkan looks to the side. "Maybe." Freakin'- being unsure invalidates the whole argument!

…

We're passin' through a frikton of trees! "Can I still get that hug?"

"No." _Damn_ it!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We are nearly to the human village! The sun's beginning to set, so the dirt path around us is crested with orange light… also, the path we were on was the Hakurei path. Apparently, when Genkan kidnapped me earlier, her home was somewhere so freakin' far from where we originally were that she took me a whole different direction than where we quested.

"I suppose I should depart from you two, soon." Genkan states plainly. "I doubt my presence near the village would be welcome."

Well, you _could_... "If you threw on a red kimono instead of a typical white and blue one, no one would literally even argue with you. 'Cept the gate guards, they think everyone's a youkai."

"...Is that so?" She gives me a skeptical stare.

...I gesture to my helmet and camo kimono. "I look like a freakin' manslaughterer and I still regularly get in somehow." So does Matt, who looks like an actual serial slaughterer in that freakin' mask and suit getup of his. The fun part is that he actually is one, so freakin'... good job, guards.

"I don't feel like going there, anyway." Genkan admits. "I would rather return home."

That's koo. "Alright, yo. Thanks for not murdering us and stuff!"

She snorts. "...Okay."

Wife girl- what _is_ her name- waves at our yuki-onna friend. "Take care, Gen-chan!"

"...Bye." She gives us a curt farewell, before drifting away from us, floating just above the ground as she turned away.

With her gone, we proceed towards the village gate…

"Are you gonna visit her again?" Wife girl- you know what…

"What's yer name?" I finally ask the question! "And we'll see, yo, we'll see." Might as well tell her what she wants ta hear…

"Fukuya!" She gives me a grin. "We'll see, huh? Hehe…"

...Oo~h, right, Akihito called her 'Fuku-chan' before. Lotta good remembering that does me now!

Walking up to the partially reconstructed gate, the guard stands ready to greet us…

"Halt." He holds up a hand. "State your business."

Fukuya gives him a peace sign. "Shinji~, it's me. Fukuya."

...After a moment of inexpression, he suddenly gapes. "Fu-Fukuya!? Wh- weren't you kidnapped!?"

" _He_ saved me." Fukuya gestured to me with her thumb. "Big sword and everything. Arrows, too!"

...The guard eyed me skeptically, but moved to open the partially rebuilt gate to open it.

Yeah, big sword and arrows. Lotta help against instant freezing. I'm sure Akihito would know.

Once the gate was open, we begin to move inside!

"Tha~nks, Shinji~!" Fukuya gives him a pleasant wave as she moves inside.

"Ye-yeah…" He still seems shellshocked!

As we move into the village proper, I look around summore. That amber sunlight's really cool looking. In like, ten minutes it's probably just gonna become dark. That'll be friktastic.

…More people out now than earlier, for some reason!

As we near the village square, Fukuya speaks up. "So, do you know Aki-kun from anywhere, or did you just meet him for the job?"

"Job, yo." I answer. "He's fluffy."

"Fluffy…" She seems warmed by that description. "Hehehe!"

It's not long before we get to the center of the village, and move to the job board…

Matt's there, with his arms folded, looking at the jobs. Akihito's reading them off to him, it seems.

"Fi-find… two miss-missing…" Akihito sobs periodically, "two missing cats…"

"Pay?" Matt inquires.

It takes Akihito a moment. "...One-one thousand yen."

Matt jerks his head back subtly, and waves a hand. "Next."

Turning to Fukuya, I put my finger to my lips, askin' her to stay quiet.

She zips her lips! Ho ho!

...Casually, I walk up to the board, and pretend to look at jobs as if I could read them. Matt turns and looks at me, but promptly goes back to watching Akihito try to read the jobs through his tears.

"Fi-find…" Akihito wipes the tears from his eyes. "Egh… find the gi-giant, flaming, magnetic… ra-randomly charging… ub-ubercharged…?" He seems to lose his place amongst the adjectives! "Al-alraune. A plant monster…"

"Next." Matt doesn't bother to ask about the pay grade. Where the hell in nature is a giant, flaming, magnetic, randomly charging ubercharged alraune? What the hell does it even charge!?

Akihito takes a glance at him, and in doing so sees me between them! "...A-ah, it's you!?"

I smirk at him. "Hi, son. Just lookin' at some jobs, yo."

"Ho-how- where…!?" He's baffled, yo!

"Oh, by the way," I point behind him. "I found your wife on the way."

...After looking stunned for a moment, he looks where I point. Fukuya is standing there, waving an arm. "Hi~, Aki-ku~n!"

" _Fuku-chan!_ " Dropping his sword, he sprints towards her and hugs her! "I-I… yo-you're alive!"

"Hehehe~!" She wraps her arms around him in return. "You _rea~lly_ missed me, huh…?"

"Of-of course!" He moves himself back just enough to look her in the face. "Fu-Fuku-chan…"

All's well, ends well, yo.

Matt clears his throat next to me.

...Akihito looks back at us, before coming to a realization. "O-oh, right!"

Breaking the hug, he moves up to the guard beside the job board. "I'm Akihito. You remember the job I set up this morning?"

The guard nods, and goes behind the job board to retrieve the money. Without being asked to, as well! "Lemme go get the money, hold on…"

"Thanks." With that, Akihito reaches into his pockets. "I know I set the job's total at fifty thousand, but…"

He takes two pouches out of his pockets, and hands them to me and Matt. "Take these. Each one has ten thousand yen, and the village guard will give you my fifty thousand yen deposit. I can't thank you guys enough…"

Jesus, talk about payday! Even if, after dividing the fifty grand evenly, I'd make like thirty five grand in the end. More than I expected to recoup of the funds I whittled away!

As Akihito moves to join Fukuya again, the guard comes out from behind the job board, carrying a larger, grey pouch.

"Here you guys are." He plops it down on the small table beside the job board. "Do what ya want with it."

Ho ho ho! I jazzily strut towards the cash along with Matt…!

...I turn to him. "We shall distribute it evenly, yo. Twenty five thousand for each of us."

He just nods at that.

I take a moment to sort out the money, and make sure we both get our shares. I mean, it takes more than a moment because counting money is tedious, but I'm not going to describe that freakin' trivial process at length…!

There we go. I am now up thirty five thousand, and so is Matt. Ho ho!

"See you guys around!" Akihito waves at us, as he begins moving away. "Let's go get dinner, Fuku-chan."

"Oo~h…" Fukuya props her arms up at her sides! "Can we try to get into the Golden Grin again? I hear they're having an all-access day one of these days…"

"Sure thing!" Akihito beams at her. "If not, I know this nice little corner store…"

With that, the couple moved out of audible range, moving down the road towards the Golden Grin.

…

"That was fun." Matt states plainly.

I nod. "Y'know? Yeah, that was better overall than I anticipated." Sans the indiscriminate slaughter of innocents earlier, but I was glad I got to have that conversation with Genkan. Befriending one yuki-onna at a time, yo… and it's a lot easier when they can't instantly freeze your balls off or hug the life out of you.

...The sun's almost out, yo. Now we just gotta find a place to sleep!

Matt begins to wander off. "I'm going to bed."

"Sekibanki's?" I grin at him.

...He stops to look back at me. "Indeed."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 58

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I _would_ like to know where it actually _puts_ all my stuff though…

Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! It better, with a name like 'Swordbreaker'. Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! May cast Flash, an attack that blinds; works best on darkness elementals and youkai. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can cast Gust. By the addition of a steel block, its attack and magic attack increased slightly. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites stuff on impact. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle, allowing the user to cast Flamethrower Plus! Allows the user to cast Fume.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Can produce limitless fresh water. Boosts the power of water skills. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style; physical attack increased, physical defense lowered. User bleeds out faster. Can cast Revenge, an attack that increases in power the lower the user's health is. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to let it cut!

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Lowers defense slightly. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger is slightly electric and holy elemental. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy...

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Seventy-five percent time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!

Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means _business, son_. _One hundred percent_ ice resistance, and as such renders me immune to all magical ice damage. Dunno 'bout icicles and stuff, though. Fifty percent freeze resistance… not that freezing will hurt me with this thing on. Fifty percent dark resistance. Negative fifty percent fire and burning resistance. Hopefully hides me a bit when navigating in the freakin' brush...

Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! Fifty percent sun resistance, one hundred percent freezing and blinding resistance. Also gives immunity to electrical stunning. It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.

Fifty two thousand, two hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!

Seven Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Five Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on _debuffs_ , though...

WebDings Book about Foreign Juices - Wahaha! This better fetch a price on the market!

Dark Stone - I dunno what it is, but it looks cool. Probably something I can slap to one of my dark weapons!

Enchanted Icicle - I gotta make this melting resistant, soon! It's enchanted to glow in the dark…!

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I _really_ have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

ho HO HO more STUFF AND THINGS

this was a fun chapter; most of it i pumped out in two sessions and i finished up in a third

more matt outside 'a his own chapters, yo! honh

i had fun with the yuki-onna, GENKAN; she became a more depthful character than i initially anticipated

left the wife alive because why not yo; gensokyo can be fluffy sometimes too… that and not all yuki-onna are rampaging axe murderers, even if most of them are really angsty

akihito got his GOOD END AFTERALL, even if he wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer

by the way those monoliths are still there they didn't get desummoned or anything… they're just THERE

wahaha

oh yeah the voompires, they're based off of characters from this one eroge i read… although the spells and stuff are from other places because in the doujin itself they just had very much lots of sex and the most celica cast was like one dark bolt and a bunch of ecchi shit

celica and RAYMOND are not their actual names, but they're of a SIMILAR FORMAT

viking monoliths are another epic battle fantasy enemy that casts exclusively ice spells, along with powerful overall attack buffs

rip goo girl you will be missed but you are not the last we will meet

as always, see you all next time!


	73. The Man with an Ayakashi for a Head

(STAND TALL FOR MATT FALL) (by the by son it's MATT chapter; player two start etc)

...Brad pauses abruptly, and crouches, bending his knees so that he may pick up the broadsword Akihito dropped.

"Oo~f…" He grins as he lifts it. "Freakin' glorified toothpick." ...Idly, he begins to wiggle it into his hammerspace bag.

Turning around, I make a start towards Sekibanki's house. Brad quickly hobbles to follow me along, still stuffing the sword in his bag. "Hey- son, hold up…!"

/ / / / HONHESUS CHRIST / / / /

The sky is a dim blue as we approach the dullahan's house, the sun's light gone in all but spirit. Considering how little light pollution there is in Gensokyo, even now stars are visible.

In my right hand, I still hold the lightning scissors, keeping them balled up so as to not cause myself a trail of tears. My gun is still in my backpack.

"It's a nice night, son…" Brad does a casual, jazzy strut towards Sekibanki's door.

"That is yet to be determined." I decide, stepping up as well. Considering I made thirty-five thousand yen, things are going well enough.

Brad knocks on the door.

…

He knocks again.

…

"I should put that sword to freakin' use…" He begins to reach into his bag-

The door swings open.

"Oh- he~he~he~y!" Brad quickly brings his hand out of his sack and scratches the back of his _racecar helmet_ with it. "Nice night, innit?"

...Sekibanki just stares at us dryly from inside. "One of these days, I'm just not going to be here to answer the door."

...Brad grins at her. "Can we sleep over, yo? I promise not to gluttonize your candy _ensemble_."

…

Sekibanki slowly looks between the two of us, still looking bored.

…

"Come on in." She moves to the side a little to allow passage.

Brad nods enthusiastically as he strides inside. "Ho ho…"

I move to enter the house behind him-

" _Except_ you." Sekibanki gets in my way, blocking me. "Last time was because of that girl, and I wanted to know more."

Oh.

…

I try to move forward again, but Sekibanki pushes me back when I get too close. "No. One lunatic at a time."

"You know that's not an accurate description." I counter. "Brad's not a lunatic."

She seems to consider this. "...By _your_ definition, that's probably true. He's still a handful, though."

Clack! One of the wooden chairs inside falls over. "Oh, shit…!"

"I need to get in to watch over him." I assert. "Two negatives equal a positive."

"...I think the only one that needs watching is you." Sekibanki admits. "That, and I'd rather not let you two do whatever it is you do. Last time I only slept a few hours that night."

"Oh, but if you don't, who will?" I question, tilting my head slightly.

"Me." Sekibanki retorts dryly.

"Good thing we got that covered." I try to walk in again, only for Sekibanki to push me back again.

"Look- no." She begins to look annoyed. "Go away." With that, she finally pushes me out of the doorframe entirely, and shuts the door.

...

I cup my hands, and half-yell inside. "Do you want another new door?"

"If you break it again, I'll beat you up!" Sekibanki yells back from the other side of the door.

...Well, shit. I guess I'll sleep in the back alley, then. Or find a house.

...Idly, I begin to meander away from the house. Immediately progressing into the alley right next to the house, I eventually find myself in the network of alleys that lie in whatever quarter of the village this is.

Once or twice, I pass a hobo-looking person. They usually pay me a glance, but little else. There are actually well-kept people back here as well, and occasionally guards. The population as a whole is far less dense than the four main roads, however.

As I continue down the roads, looking for a decent house to assault, duck into, so forth, I look around…

In the midst of the back alleys, I'm eventually halted when I come to a crowd of four people standing essentially side by side, blocking the path. Two of them were facing me while the other two were facing away.

One with a doofy brown hat and brown overcoat grins at me, and slightly turns to the guy next to him. "He~y, Senzo. We've got one."

"Oh- oh? Oh, oh! O~h, hehehe!" A skinny guy in a grey jacket next to him turns around to face me and grins.

A tubbier guy in a similarly grey overcoat turns around. "...Yooh _sure_ he's not one of them there youkais?"

The last guy- who was one of the two facing me- is just in hobo-like robes. "Looks like one 'a them rat bastard _masks_."

The hatted individual begins to smirk. "Wha~t, does it matter? There's _four_ 'a us."

I begin to back up a bit.

The tubby guy draws a disproportionately small bow, while the skinny guy and the hatted guy draw daggers from their pockets. The hobo backs away, moving behind the group with his hands in his pockets.

"Ho~h heh heh!" The skinny guy is having the time of his soon to be over life, apparently. "Heheheh!"

"Cool it, Senzo." The hatted fellow with him grabs him by the shoulder. "Watch his steps. We wanna make sure when we go in, it's for the _kill_. We don't kill this guy in one swoop, he kills one 'a _us_ , understand?"

"O-oh, heheh- oh." Senzo seems to vaguely understand that, despite jabbing uselessly at the air before me as I backpedal.

...It has been awhile since I've done normal fighting-

Woosh!

...An arrow was launched by the tubby archer, high above the rooftops and somewhere into the air. It was a very tiny arrow, too.

'Ooh- agh, darn- gh…" The archer stretches his tiny bow in an attempt to readjust it-

Twa~ng! He breaks the string-

Crack. He broke the bow part, too.

...He stares at the broken bow in disbelief.

Great job.

Now, I begin to walk towards them.

The hatted mugger's eyes widen, and he uses both arms to pull Senzo back. "Hold it- hold it! This guy means trouble!"

"Let- hehehe- lemme!" Senzo flails his arms forward, rapidly slashing and jabbing at the air. "Hehehe!"

...Looking around the alley, I search for an inanimate object to throw at them. My eyes eventually stop at an uneven wedge of wood, which I quickly take a moment to pick up. While the two are preoccupied, I toss it at them.

Clonk. it bounces off of the hatted guy's head, de-hatting him. "Ah- damn it…!" In doing so, it lets Senzo slip from his arms. Flailing both arms and his dagger wildly, Senzo sprints towards me at full speed.

Bringing up the hand with the lightning scissors equipped- my gloved hand- I watch his hand movements as he nears. Once he gets near me, instead of completely flailing he just slashes wildly in an attempt to look threatening.

Looking at the predictable arc he's swinging the blade in, I hold the lightning scissors out. Noticing them, he actually intentionally swings for them, grinning as he does so-

Cling-Zap!

" _Eeauagh!_ " His arm shoots up into the air, and electricity visibly runs up the dagger and into his arm. He immediately lets go of it, sending it flying somewhere behind him, as he jitters in place. "Egh-ugh… heh…"

...Awkwardly stumbling back, he falls onto his rear, a grin frozen on his face. "He-heh… heh…"

"Ho~ly…" The hatted individual gapes at this. "Damn it- Senzo, you no-good dumbass!"

Let's see… electric glory kill, or do I feed him to Chaos Oath?

"Se~nzo!" The tubby guy roars out. "Kensaku, do _something!_ He's gonna kill us _all!_ And then _me!_ "

Kensaku, the guy in the hat, looks over at him, before looking back at me. Putting away his dagger, he reaches into his pocket, and draws a flintlock. "Alright, hands up, ya _bastard_ …"

Slipping the electric scissors deeper into my gloved hand, I quickly move to pick up Senzo by the shoulders. Slowly, Kensaku walks towards me with the gun raised as I lift his comrade up to use as a meat shield.

Kensaku grins at me. "Really? Well…" Jiggling his flintlock, he holds it up and takes aim. "Sorry, Senzo. I never liked ya anyway."

"He-heh…" Senzo weakly wiggles in my arms, limbs still jittery.

Oh, good. I had better not get shot.

I backpedal with Senzo still grappled, moving horizontally to make hitting me harder…

 _Bang!_ Smoke billows from his flintlock-

"Augh!" Senzo writhes in pain. I'm forced to stumble back from the force of his convulsing, but the bullet thankfully doesn't travel through. I suppose vintage flintlocks weren't known for their multi-kill potential.

If he's going to die anyway, I may as well feed him to Chaos Oath. Quickly, I slip out the aforementioned cursed scissors, and jam it into Senzo's neck-

Shink. Immediately, tendrils bloom out and I do my best to rip myself from the soon-to-be corpse before the tendrils can get excessively attached to me. The scissors are left embedded in his neck.

...One sticks to my arm, but I give Senzo's body a kick to detach it. He stumbles forward, shambling forward with his arms hung before himself.

"Fucking- shit…!" Kensaku's expression flares at the whirling mass of black, malevolent tendrils. As he backpedals, he flips open his flintlock and starts reloading…

"Youka~i!" Tubby guy begins to wail, jogging backwards. " _Youka~i!_ "

The hobo behind them gapes in disbelief, pulling some small firearm from his pocket. He aims it into the air-

 _Po~w!_

 _Schwe~w!_ A bright blue flare shoots into the night sky, creating a really loud howl as it does so.

Turning around, Kensaku looks at the hobo, then at the flare. "Oh- crap, crap- look, Koji, we gotta like, bolt."

The hobo, Koji, nods vigorously. "Yeah, man- that damn _mask_ …"

Whirling and expanding, the mass of tendrils doesn't seem to calm down at all as it rapidly overtakes Senzo's corpse, wrapping around it completely.

"Egh- ehah…" His eyes fluctuate slightly before his face is rapidly covered up by tendrils.

Within seconds, the entire guy is mummified with an faint purple glow pulsing outward from the tendril mass. Every few seconds, the tendrils twitch, and sometimes shift, changing positions, re-adjusting.

"What the he~ll…" Kensaku fumbles with his flintlock, still here for some reason.

The tubby guy seems to hide behind him. "Kensaku~! Shoot it! Shoot the _shi~t_ outta it!"

"I-I'm reloading, fucker!" Kensaku barks back. "You shoulda brought your _gun!_ Y'fat fuck!"

...The tubby guy seems to flinch away from him, as if offended.

The hobo turns away, and just darts off.

...The cocoon of tendrils begins to rise into the air- tendrils flowering out from beneath it to support it. This is… new.

Two new robed guys come around the corner of the alley where the hobo retreated. They've both got daggers out, their eyes wide and scanning the alley ahead. As they dash up, they slow down behind Kensaku to take in what's going on.

"...The fuck're we watching?" one of them questions.

"Ken, what the hell's going on here?" The other one turns to Kensaku with furrowed brows.

"Fuck if I knew!" Kensaku barks back, looking feverish. "You bastards brought guns? We need guns!"

...They both shrug.

"Ga~h!" Kensaku goes back to tediously reloading the flintlock.

...Eventually, the person-shaped mass of tendrils is stood upright by the tendrils beneath it. Purple miasma is flowing out from it visibly now, along with black smog of some kind.

Kri-kri-krack-krack. Tendrils lash out from the mass, which rapidly bloom what look like cherry blossoms. The tendrils dissipate just as quick, scattering the blossoms to the wind.

"Al-alright…!" Kensaku aims the flintlock at the mass. "...Fuck- where do I shoot!?"

The guy next to him grabs his arm and tries directing it. "The heart- try the heart!"

" _What_ heart!?" Kensaku tugs back, expression flaring. "Run up and stab the shit outta it, why doncha?"

Kri-kra-kri-kra-kra-kri-...

Tendrils lash out from the mass more rapidly. They form structures that resemble branches, rapidly blooming cherry blossoms and vanishing all within a few moments. A small sea of cherry blossoms was under the mass by this point…

Kra-krack.

Soft, pink energy shined from inside the mass of black, gradually greying tendrils.

Kra~ck…

Seams split down the messy humanoid figure, the glowing cherry blossoms beneath it wilting.

…

fwoom.

The cocoon slowly flourished open, the dead tendrils being pushed outward by a flush of glowing cherry blossoms from inside.

Once the huge surge of cherry blossoms had spread outward, making the alley glow with pink light, I was able to make out a figure in the midst of the petal storm. It was hunched over, expression unreadable as I was behind it and to the back.

...To get a better look, I moved around the side. At the moment, the figure seems to have _her_ eyes closed. Quite distinctly a her, too.

 _Bang!_

...The flintlock was fired, but the bullet doesn't seem to be anywhere.

" _Fu~ck!_ " Kensaku roars. Suddenly, his anger dissipates. "Oh- we gotta go guys. We gotta go. Let's go."

"Yeah- uhm- yeah…!" The guy at his side nods feverishly. "Let's uhm-..."

" _Aaa~h!_ " The tubby guy moved faster than I thought physics could reasonably allow.

Behind them, a patrol of three guards walked out from around the corner.

...From my sideways viewpoint, I was able to make out that two particularly burly-looking thugs walked in from behind.

...Really tubby fluffles began peering off the roof tops, heads somehow bigger than the average human's.

Suddenly a lot of people. This was more than I bargained for when I wanted to go to bed.

…

While the crooks scramble and stop in front of the guards, and the two unrealistically burly thugs slowly approach behind us, the figure in the midst of the cherry blossoms begins to stand…

Her pink eyes slowly open. She takes a few glances around the alley, taking in her surroundings.

"...I'm hungry."

Instantly, all the cherry blossoms that were spread around turn black, and die.

This causes the burly guys behind us to pause.

The crooks look back, and the guard freeze before drawing their blades…

The fluffles hide behind the roof's edges again.

…

She walks forward a few steps, towards the gaggle of fools and guards. Then, she sprints-

Kensaku tosses his flintlock at her. "Oh- _shit!_ "

It brushes off her shoulder as she sprints towards them unnaturally fast-

Crack! Her hand smoothly drives itself straight into the formerly hatted individual's chest.

Thin tendrils lash out from her form, and start jabbing themselves straight into people's chests, similar to how she drove her arm into Kensaku.

"Oh- God- get backup!" One of the guards turns to move away, but is forced to stop when a tendril wraps around his ankle. "Gah! Back- back...!" He raises his blade, and slices at the tendril-

Crack. A different tendril slid into his chest- through the meager iron plate that guarded it- forcing him to drop his blade. "Auh…"

…

Thu-thu-thu-thud. Before I could process what happened, the majority of the hoodlums and guards fall over unceremoniously as the tendrils retract.

Ri~p! She rips something out of Kensaku's chest, creating quite a show with such a simple action, and begins walking over to the guard who'd tried to escape.

He stumbles back, the now bloody, dripping tendril still in his chest. "Gh-ngh…"

She brings what is likely one of Kensaku's organs- or heart- to her mouth, and takes a big, wet bite as she kicks forward at the guard.

Whack! He falls onto his back from the force. "Hwu~h…"

...Once she's done with that, she sits in the midst of the bodies with her legs crossed, munching on the flesh she took from Kensaku.

…

The two burly thugs exchanged looks. The one on the left spoke, "Uu~h… wanna call the youkai hunters?"

"It's like, ten." His friend replied. "Let's go see what discount ones we got in the bars, ey?"

"Yeah, sure."

Shaking their heads, the two burly thugs turned around and walked away.

…

Well. My scissors have just turned into a loli. An indiscriminately murderous loli. Do I just go up and say hi, or something?

...From here, I see her prop herself up with an arm to reach towards one of the bodies of the guardsmen. Once she grabs on, she pulls it closer and sits back upright. Then, she places one hand on the torso, and one on the arm-

"...Ngh." After some tugging- along with some rather unfortunate sounding noises from the corpse- tentacles spread from her arms, taking a firm hold of the torso and joint she was trying to disconnect…

 _Ri~p!_

She severs the arm from the body. After an initial, gooey splash, blood flows freely from both severed joint holes, and the flesh itself still off rather stringy.

...Eying the arm, she rotates it like one would a piece of corn, the blood from the previously attached end pouring out like a half-twisted faucet, for a few seconds.

As a result, she's at least splattered with red already. Her legs and the ground beneath her is stained crimson with leaking blood.

"Omf…" The pink-eyed loli sinks her teeth into the flesh of the arm. "...Pftoo." She spits it out, then promptly begins ripping the clothing off of it. Once the cloth and armored parts are gone, she sinks her teeth in again.

Should I sit here and wait? Or just book it?

...She crunches when she munches, it seems. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

"Mmh…" She swallows her bite greedily. "...Much better." Her face is now a dull red, her glowing eyes contrasting with the liquid she smeared all over her face unintentionally. Her kimono was even more soaked, now.

Well, have fun with that. I turn, and begin to walk away-

" _You_." She raises her voice, looking up at me. "Come here."

If only I had Chaos Oath to use on her if she jumped me. The irony would be palpable. In any case, going there is a horrible idea.

...She'll probably stab me if I don't, anyway, so I might as well make the most of this.

Turning back around, I casually walk towards the young teen-looking girl...

She sinks her teeth into another chunk of arm flesh, once she's pushed the cloth that surrounded it back. She rips it free, and begins chewing.

...I'd like to know what part of human flesh crunches, or if that guy's flesh has become some kind of fruit. That, or she's ripped out bone… and considering the depth of the bites, that's probably likely.

...Looking up at me, she tilts the partially eaten arm towards me with one hand. "Want some?"

"...No." I decide. That would probably not be within my best interests.

She shrugs, rips some cloth back, and takes another big bite. Shink.

Whenever she pulls back, there's no ripping noise. It's more similar to taking a bite out of an apple…

"Does it taste good?" I ask curiously.

...She swallows the flesh. "Yeah."

…

Pleasant conversation.

...I look over at her. "Why am I not dead?"

She takes a glance at me, before looking back over the arm. "I'm not hungry now."

Okay.

"Omf…" She sinks her teeth into the arm's flesh again.

...Mmm. Guardflakes. Crunch, crunch, crunch.

"I'm kinda busy, so-" Turning around, I begin to leave-

A tendril wraps tightly around my leg, stretching from one of her kimono sleeves.

"Mmh." She hums something briefly while she chews.

...Well, there's a lot of stars outside, tonight. Maybe I'll become one of them. This alleyway has become a mess.

After she swallows, she looks over at me, still positively drenched in blood.

I look over at her, eying said blood. I wasn't aware a human arm had _that_ much. Then again, she pretty much demolished the arm in rending it…

"What was your name again, human?" Her eyes narrow slightly as she looks up at me. I can't imagine that kimono is very comfortable when it's _that_ wet.

I shall simply not comply. That would be the best thing to do. "...Matthew." I am not stupid, however, so I comply anyway...

...With that, she sinks her teeth into the arm again.

This is what I get for trying to go to bed in the back alleys. I end up jumped by a hoodlum organization, and I've apparently summoned some archdemon loli from the depths.

"Mgh-" She swallows the arm chunk. "Aah. I'm going with you, _Matthew._ "

Good. "And if I say no?"

She stares at me blankly. "Then I'll just eat you."

I may have made some poor life decisions, which may have led up to this moment. Maybe.

/ / / / WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE LIKE ME / / / /

After she took her sweet time consuming the numerous corpses, we began moving through the alleys…

The excitement wore off about around the moment I realized it was going to take her about twenty minutes to eat what she wanted per corpse. As such, I am now a husk of my former self.

...As in, I'm bored and tired. She told me she wasn't hungry, yet still proceeded to have a feast. Considering she didn't even eat all of them clean, I'll have to assume she knew she created too big of a meal.

Taking a good glance at the loli archdemon from hell, I evaluate her appearance, minus the coat of red paint she seems to have spilt all over herself.

She's short, with purplish black hair. Somehow, she's spawned with done-up pigtails, and a vaguely decorative kimono. Well… now it's a _very_ decorative kimono.

...Likely sensing my gaze, she looks over at me. Her pupils are slits, like that of a cat or a snake.

"What?" she replies after some staring in return.

"...Why did you appear?" Where the _fuck_ did you come from.

Looking at the alleys around us, she takes the question in stride. "I don't know."

…Good.

We've also gone in a complete circle, considering we're just now passing by the very same bloodbath we left behind. Good exploration.

"Would you happen to know of a good home?" I ask her idly.

"No." She gives me a dry glance in return. That's unfortunate. You'd think kids these days would be born with the knowledge of where to find a good hotel.

As we walk forward through the alleys, she abruptly stops, causing me to stop as well.

"...Mmm." Turning ninety degrees, she steps up to a rather unassuming-looking door. She continues up to it, and reaches out to touch it.

...After a moment, tentacles flourish out from her hand, running along the door's surface. Then-

Cr-crack! They jerk inward, revealing a mesh of tentacles that spread across the entire door by crumbling it into a pile of wooden fragments.

Stepping into the one-story house, her form is obscured by the darkness inside. Slowly, I follow her inside…

…

I can't see shit.

…

"I cannot see." I state outright, after moments of awkward silence.

"Okay." The loli accepts this fact.

…

"I need to see to do anything." I stress to her the importance of human visibility.

"The room is empty." She informs me. "It doesn't matter."

…

"I would like to at least find out if this house has a bed." I argue. "So I can sleep on it."

"No. I said it's empty." If she emoted or did anything, I wouldn't see it anyway.

…

Walking blindly in the darkness, holding my arms out, I navigate the room. Eventually I come to a wall, and sooner than I expected.

"...I want a bed." I make another request of her. If she can find me an unoccupied- likely abandoned- house, surely-

She sighs. "All you humans do is complain."

...I suppose the floor will have to do. My backpack might help.

Sitting down- I really should be mindful of these electric scissors, especially now that I cannot see them.

...Carefully setting the electric scissors far from myself, I nudge and crawl away from them. A container for them would be really useful. That should be my wish to the loli for tomorrow…

Normally, sleeping on a hard, dusty wooden floor would be unthinkable. But, right now? I-...

…

…

…

/ / / / BENCHED TEN Q TIPS; I RAN FIVE FEET / / / /

…

Alright. I am now awake. At least, I'm pretty sure I'm awake.

The room is now well-lit, because the ceiling is gone. Okay.

...I see the loli walk out from an adjacent room. The door that was supposed to be in her way was instead neatly positioned to the right of the door frame, leaning against the wall.

For some reason, she looks rather smug.

...Before questioning anything, I begin to get up. She gazes at me as I do so, but doesn't say anything. Taking this moment, I retrieve the electric scissors…

Once I've retrieved the scissors with my gloved hand, I get to business. "What, exactly, happened here?"

"Turning it into a place fit for me." She nods with some sort of satisfaction.

No roof, and neatly dismantled doors. It's a great house. This would really suck if we ever had to hide from an angry youkai exterminator patrol. Such as magicians, maids, or angry shrine maidens… or gardeners.

Now that I am up again, I should get a move on with my daily activities. Like finding a rubber ball or wooden box to stick these annoying scissors in…

Moving through the wooden house- past the neatly displaced doors- I eventually reach the front door, and step outside...

...Sunny. There are people about.

Turning back to the door, I see the loli about to follow me outside. Her skin is curiously cleaner than before, although her kimono itself is now a dark brownish color.

"Don't murder people haphazardly here." I instruct her bluntly.

She tilts her head. "Why?"

"We would be viciously slaughtered by no end of maid battalions, arrows from guardsmen, scattered yin-yang orbs, various holy spells, a wide variety of non-elemental spells…" I pause for a moment, thinking about what else could penetrate us. "Time-defying knife barrages, doll armies, whatever sexual instruments the religious factions carry, and if we make a big enough splash, likely run over by a train."

…

The loli considers this. "What's a train?"

"A very large metal box that carries people, moves very fast, and can also annihilate whatever is in its path." I explain what a train is to her.

"...Okay." Skeptically, she follows me outside. Half the battle has been accomplished. With any luck, no one will take a look at her and instantly shit themselves before impaling the both of us.

Setting out into the road, I take a quick glance back at the loli to ensure she's still following me. From there, we progress towards the village square at our leisure…

At the village square, there seems to be a large gathering of guards in a circle around something. None of them are panicked or active, so it's not a battle of any sort… it looks more like an assembly.

In the midst, there's a tall podium. Instead of a stage with a backdrop, the setting is more like a series of round platforms stacked on top of one another, the podium placed on the very top.

On the lower levels, I can see Keine, Byakuren, and that one headphone-toting girl from earlier. Desire to cause a commotion has quickly gone from around eighty percent to a flat zero.

At the podium is some kid who has to stand on a stool to use it properly. Or at least, he _looks_ like a kid.

"The time for action is _now!_ " He slams his arm on the podium. "If we stand- if we do nothing- these, these _vampires_ … these _monsters!_ They will continue the slaughter! The indiscriminate, uncaring slaughter of our people. And we just _let it_ happen!"

The guards, along with a few villagers, produce a low murmur.

"He's annoying." My loli friend states. "Can I eat him?"

" _No._ " I reply instantly so that we do not die instantly. "...Maybe later." Attacking that beehive could only end badly.

"Just yesterday…" The kid resumes speaking again. "Just yesterday, we had around four villagers kidnapped, and we had two slaughters of both villagers and guardsmen. One was conducted by vampires, ones that have shown their face in this village before, and are not welcome here. The other was no doubt also a result of their influence, or actions."

There was more murmuring by the guards and villagers…

" _Really…_ "

"You hear that? I was right."

"Aah… it's not like we're gonna do anything."

...Once the crowd quiets down, the official-looking kid on the podium holds up an arm to call order. A little late, but it's the thought that counts.

"...This is why we are going to launch an all-out attack on the Scarlet Devil Mansion." He gives his order with finality.

Byakuren jerks her head back, as if surprised.

Keine just sighs.

The stylish woman with the headphones smiles sheepishly.

…

The guards slowly begin to cheer, while the villagers just wander away.

"Holy shit! We're- we're actually _doing_ something!"

"Du~de, _swee~t_ \- du~de…!"

"It's about _damn_ time!"

That… is not going to end well. It will be entertaining to watch, however.

"We cannot give them _any_ time to prepare!" The kid starts to march off of the podium, revealing that he has some form of heavy boots on. "We will attack _now_."

 _Now_.

"Yea~h!" The guards raise their swords, bows, and other armaments into the air.

Moving off of the podium, the kid steps down each level of his platform, and begins to move through the square. Guards move out of the way to allow him passage, before quickly following behind him.

That's a lightning fast war declaration if I've ever saw one. Not only that, but this war will likely be over before the day's even done.

As the guards file out, the three bigshot women at the lower tiers of the deckered platform stay behind, refusing to follow them.

I'm just going to get moving before they see us and start asking questions. That, and one of them will probably know this loli here has a decaying coat of crimson gatorade on her kimono.

...Walking forward-

"Hehehe~y, son!"

O~h. Good. Him.

I stare at Brad as he struts up to me casually. "How ya doin', son. Freakin'..." He eyes my loli friend, before running his eyes down the kimono.

…

"Didja like…" Staring at it with a mixture of incredulousness and amusement, Brad grins. "Dye it in blood? Talk about a _kimono_ …" He looks down at his own kimono briefly in reference. Just in case it disappeared, of course.

I should probably not let him provoke her, for everyone's sake.

"She just got done killing five people." I give him the straight news.

He nods generously. "Aa~h, I see, yo. It's the _manslaughter_ edition."

Before he can say much else- I have no idea how the loli might react- I begin to move away. "I have business to attend to." My gaze pans to the loli. "Very important business."

...He trades looks between us, and makes an 'okay' gesture with his fingers. "A'right, son. I see how it is, yo.

"Yeah, we're gonna fuck." I clarify. "See ya."

"Wha-what?" I catch the otherwise stoic loli off-guard. "You overstep your bou-..."

I begin to move away as Brad starts chuckling incredulously. It takes a moment, but the loli eventually stops gazing between me and him, following me as well. We also seem to avoid attention from the bigwigs, which is good.

…

Now that we're away, the delightful edge-loli positions herself to walk next to me.

"State the purpose of your actions, human." She gives me an intent stare. I don't know what kind of intent, but it has intent.

"It was just a foolproof plan to get the hell away from him." I reveal. "Sacrifices had to be made. Also my name's still Matthew."

...We continue down the road a little, before she replied again. "I could have just eaten him."

Such is exactly why I got you the hell away from him. "You are not going to eat anyone until we leave town and change names."

"I don't have a name." The loli informs me bluntly.

Well, that just won't do, will it?... I don't really want to call her Chaos Oath, since that's rather unfortunate as an actual name. Time to think of random Japanese bullshit…

Sakura? No, no… too generic, and also too obvious.

Elizabeth? ...No. That's not even Japanese.

Shi~... tosee? Shino…ko..

Shikome. That sounds… right. It's also actually Japanese.

"Shikome." I speak it aloud.

"...Huh?" As we continue towards the village gate, well behind the leaving guard armada, Shikome looks over at me.

"Shikome, that shall be your name." I affirm to her a new identity.

...She tilts her head. "If that is what you want."

Good. Now we just have to leave town so we can change her name.

As we follow the guards, we slow to a stop because it seems they made an abrupt halt. Adjusting myself, I try to see what's happening…

"Stop shoving- _fuck!_ Stop _shoving!_ "

"I gotta _pihihi~ss!_ "

"Dude- dude, this sucks dude, like dude…"

Oh. They're having trouble filing out of the village gate in an organized manner. If they can't get out of _this_ gate, how do they think they'll infiltrate the _manor's_ gate…? Where they'll be inevitably bombarded by no end of magical hellstorms, knives, and confused fairies.

"Single file!" The boy-wonder commander yells, too short to be seen in the crowd of guards. " _Single file_ you delinquents!"

"Shut up!" Someone yells at him.

...We're probably going to have to climb the wall, or something. Looking around-

 _Blam!_

Okay. Now they're literally killing each other to get out. With _guns_.

The guards quiet down at the noise of the gunfire.

"Does anyone else have any recommendations!?" The kid yells over the silence- and occasional coughs- of the guards.

I cup my hands, and yell into the guards. "Yes! Stop being a fucking asshole!"

...The guards nearest turn to me and grin, some nodding.

…

The kid's voice comes from within the crowd of guards. "You are lucky that I am height impaired, so that I cannot see who said that!"

The woes of the vertically challenged, I suppose.

Adequately entertained, I begin to move for the back alleys. "We shall go around them." I relay to my vertically challenged loli.

She gives me a dry stare, but complies, following me.

We basically just travel ten feet into a side road, take a ninety-degree turn towards the wall, and pause once we reach it…

There's a ladder pretty much right here, and no one seems to be at the top. I suppose the focus is not to keep people from getting out, but to keep people from getting in.

...Taking a moment to get onto the rickety ladder- and to get used to climbing a ladder, something I'd never done before- I climb up…

"Hup…" Shikome leaps, and cleanly lands atop the wall outside of my vision. This wall was fifteen or twenty feet tall, too…

...It takes thirty seconds or so, but I eventually get on top of the wall with her. "Well." I turn to her. "Can you teach me to do that, too?"

"I just jump." She doesn't even look at me to tell me that.

...If _she_ can jump that high, I wonder what good the gates of the village even do. Probably none.

"Hey- hey…" A guard on the wall over the gate proper looks over at us, furrowing his brows. "Who the hell're you two!?"

Took him long enough to notice us. Shikome stood up here for a good thirty seconds before I even got here.

I look down. There's some bushes, but jumping off the side of the wall would still hurt. The exterior's not necessarily smooth, but it's steep, so sliding down is not an option, either.

Looking at Shikome, I request assistance. "I need you to get me down quickly."

...She turns to look at me, bringing her gaze away from the guard. She reaches an arm out behind me-

With one abrupt movement, she pushed me forward, sending me awkwardly tumbling down the side of the wall and into the rough dirt just outside-

Thud.

...Shit. That hurt.

The lightning scissors clatter into the dirt at my side, crackling lightly. The jagged things in my backpack do _not_ help.

...Looking up into the sky, I politely ask my loli a question. "What the fuck!?"

...A moment later, she lands beside me, on her feet. "It was the quickest way down."

"Holy crap…!" The guard finally got himself out of the booth atop the gate, his bow drawn as he marched along the wall. Seeing Shikome from atop the wall, he paused.

...We both look up at him.

He tries to adjust his bow, but the awkward downward angle we're at makes it impossible for him, since his bow seems to be some kind of longbow, meant for ranged, linear engagements. "You two!"

...We don't reply.

"Stay- uhm… stay there!" Awkwardly, he sets his bow down, and begins looking around. "If you have any honor, you'll stay! Stay there, I mean!"

With that, he retreats back into the guard booth atop the gate to get things. From here we can see the slow trickle of guards filing out of the main gate, but they're too far away to notice or care about what's going on.

…

"Whatever. Let's just go now…" I slowly begin to sit up, brushing dirt off my suit. This is a _new_ suit, too…

/ / / / NO ORDINARY A.I. IN THIS BALL / / / /

Taking the main path away from the village and towards the manor would be a bad idea, at the moment, if only because the path is currently getting flooded with guards because of the impending pitiful invasion.

Shikome and I walked through the bushes to the right of the main path, casually navigating the brush. My intent is currently to show her around the Scarlet Devil manor, or at least smuggle her in and see what I can do from there. It should be entertaining. That gatekeeper should be busy with the guard army, too…

That reminds me.

I look back at where Shikome steps. I noticed this earlier, too…

Everywhere she steps, the grass beneath and near her sandals dies. Instead of turning straw yellow, it turns a dark brown and curls up, receding into slumber. As much slumber as _grass_ can have, anyway.

"Huah!" A wolfman leaps out from the bushes before us, grinning widely as he looks us over. Oh, good.

...However, before I can react to his presence, he runs past us both, towards the guards on the main path. "They're makin' this _too_ easy!"

...I guess we don't make convincing humans.

As the wolfman runs onto the path, he managed to clothesline a single armored swordsman with his broad arm.

"Holy hell!"

"Aah!"

"They're _real!?_ "

...There's a guard here who didn't know wolfmen existed.

At the moment, the guards were all dispersed about in a line down the Hakurei path. As such, the five uninjured guards simply filed around into a circle around the wolfman, bows and swords drawn. One of the guards had some sort of tubular device, and it didn't seem to be a musket.

The injured guard was just crawling along on the floor. The wolfman reached for him to grab him, but ceased once he noticed just how many guards there really were. "...I'm gonna kill every last one of you." The wolfman grinned widely at his fortune, finding so many guards in one place.

Aiming the tubular device at the wolfman, the guard fired it-

Bwoosh! A broad hook fired from it, missing the wolfman-

 _Chink!_ He slides a slot back on the hook, and it retracts. He moves to the side so that it retracts into the wolfman's side, the hook becoming embedded in his torso.

"Guh…?" The wolfman stumbles back from the force, and grabs onto the hook with his muscular arms. "The hell is-"

 _Bang!_

A shot whirls into the wolfman from nearby, from just over the guards' heads.

As the guards recoil in fear, the kid commander lowers his pistol. He seems to be… getting a piggyback ride from what looks like a shrine maiden. She's got black hair, is dressed like Reimu, but is obviously not Reimu.

On closer inspection, there are a few more of these fake shrine maidens among their ranks, along with one or two priest-looking people.

"Loose your fire, men!" The kid commander yells from not-Reimu's shoulders. "Annihilate our foes!"

"Hoo- _rah!_ " The guards cheer at that.

...From here, I can see their line of lemmings actually ends. They seem to be fifty guards strong, and have ten of the supportly people, like not-Reimus and priests.

Well, more like _forty-nine_ guards strong, after that last one got clocked in the face by that wolfman.

Speaking of the wolfman, guards were now filing around his bleeding corpse as they continued forward. I didn't pay attention to what happened after he got shot so much, but it seems the swordsmen finally stepped in and did the deed only after the youkai was vehemently crippled.

...I almost want to see how they fare against a wolfman _pack_.

For now, Shikome and I continue to move alongside them, far enough to remain out of sight of them.

…

"Charms!" I hear one of the not-Reimus yell out. "Selling anti-youkai charms for five hundred yen!"

One of the priests begins to talk to the commander. "Young commander, aa~h, do you think…"

Their conversation is drowned out by the ambient chatter that begins now that the wolfman is dead.

/ / / / ULTRA-VIOLENCE DIFFICULTY / / / /

We're not at the Misty Lake yet, first of all. We've passed Reimu's shrine, though, so it's not far off. Shikome and I had to go around the hill the long way to avoid getting in the guards' way, but when we returned to the path's side…

" _Aaa~h!_ "

"Akuya~!" One of the fake shrine maidens yells out. " _Akuya~!_ "

"No, no, no- aagh!"

"I'm losing control of the situation!"

I'm not sure how to describe the situation before me.

Two wolfmen are currently swinging two swordsmen around like clubs, but have failed to hit anyone except each other.

Above the path, there's a bunch of zippy fairies zooming around, and I'm not entirely sure how many there are. A myriad of orange ones fly overhead, lobbing slow orange orbs downward…

Fwam, fwam, fwam! The orbs explode into spreads of round bullets, pelting the guards below with orange-flavored danmaku.

"Hehehe~!" What looks like a lamia is here, too. She's firing _lasers_ from a tiara.

Three bowmen run up beside her, and hastily aim their longbows at the neon pink-haired lamia.

Fwi-fwi-fwish! Only one of their arrows hit her, becoming embedded in her side.

"Ahn…" She grimaces, and turns to them. " _Die!_ " Holding her hands up, she locks them onto her tiara…

 _Vrr~m_. The tiara charges up with red energy…

"Sunny-chan!" I hear fairies yell overhead. "When we get close, we get stabbed and stuff! Help!"

"You guys…!" Sunny yells back from somewhere I can't see. "Fine! Get the blue ones, I need magic stuff!"

...A bunch of blue fairies I didn't even know were there darted up from inside the barren trees. They somehow hid perfectly despite there being no foliage.

Finally, I locked my eyes on Sunny. She was floating far above the battlefield, the blue fairies all zipping up to meet her.

"Oka~y!" Sunny claps her hands. "Gimme your magic!"

...Blue streams flow from the fairies, and into Sunny.

I should probably do something about that. I'd like to see these guards die at the manor gates, not literally a hundred feet from the human village.

Taking my makeshift rifle from my backpack, I load the lightning scissors into it-

Sss~... The electricity sizzles to life. Okay...

First, I'm going to have to fill the chamber of the gun with water…

"Guraa~h!" One of the wolfmen falls over, somehow bested by the efforts of five swordsmen, their swords all jabbed inside of his flesh.

The remaining one snarls. "Cheating _bastards!_ "

Fwam! An orange orb drops from a fairy from above, exploding in the wolfman's face. " _Gra~h!_ "

"Hehehe~!"

I look to my side, and see a pink goo girl pass us, making her way towards the battlefield. "So~ many humans…!"

Shi-shink! The lamia eats two more arrows, trying to navigate around the archers. "You…!"

 _Fwash!_ One of the priests is randomly frozen solid.

Alright. I've got the gun's chamber filled with water, and have managed to not electrocute myself in doing so. I place one of the nails from Reimu's floorboard in, as well.

"Mo~re… mo~re…!" Sunny is still accumulating mana.

More archers from further back in the line arrange themselves, firing arrows up at the fairies-

Pi-pi-chun! They _hit_ some?

 _Bang!_ A shot from the kid commander's flintlock rings out.

"Gngh…" The wolfman falls over, blood pooling spattering behind him as he drops to his side.

"Make sure it's _dead!_ " The kid barks, fiddling with his flintlock. "I need to adjust my firearm!"

...A guard moves up to jab the seemingly dead wolfman, only for the youkai to scramble away from him at the last second.

What the _hell_ do I shoot? I'd like to make it count.

"Fai~ries!"

...I look to the right, and see that a myriad of brown-haired fairies are drifting in from the lake.

"Cha~rge!"

The brown-haired fairies are all clad in small suits of stone armor, and have big slabs of rock for weapons. They seem encumbered by them, stumbling around and tripping over each other as they sprint forward and half-float at full speed.

...I take the moment to glance at Shikome. She actually looks pretty excited, which is a rather stark contrast to her established stoic demeanor…

I should probably… shoot at the fairy that's charging up. Worst-case scenario would probably be that she drops a danmaku nuke on the guard and instantly wipes everyone.

Taking my aim- slightly awkward because of the aerial position- I focus on the glowing fairy amassing mana…

…I pull the trigger-

KRAKOOM

Ho~ly… my ears, they bleed. I think that actually made me _jump_. That sound was my gun firing?

The recoil was surprisingly pleasant. There's also a _steam stack_ coming from my barrel, making it pretty obvious that I was the one who shot it.

...There's no more Sunny Milk in the air, so I guess I hit her. The blue fairies seemed to all disperse, retreating from the battle entirely.

"Woa~h…" The earthen, brown-haired fairies just looked around in bewilderment.

"Ah…?" The lamia looked around, confused and startled.

The guards had all stopped firing arrows or swinging their swords, instead all tense. The fortunate part was that the youkai were all as awed as they were.

The goo girl looked back at me, surprised. "Wo~w…"

...I look over at Shikome, and see her eying the rifle.

 _Bang!_

"Gahk…" One of the swordsmen fell over, his head's contents splattering on the shrine maiden before him.

" _Aaa~h!_ " She screamed.

"Do _not_ all stop fighting at once!" The kid commander barked, still perched atop his preferred shrine maiden's shoulders. She was marginally more wary than before, however…

I begin the tedious reloading process for my rifle again. Slipping the lightning scissors out to prevent electrocution, I take a moment to draw more ammo and load it…

...From here, the goo girl begins to retreat from the path's edge. "Mmm~... I'll wait for more people to arrive." ...She stops next to us. "You guys waiting too?"

I give her a dry stare. "Sure."

Behind her, I see a yuki-onna drift out from behind one of the trees, and accelerate down the path. Eventually, she goes fast enough to completely abandon the front, or so it seemed. She stops a good distance into the path ahead, pretty much before the Misty Lake itself.

The lamia aimed her tiara at a battalion of ten archers before herself. "No-not another move!"

The archers aimed their arrows, but didn't fire yet.

"I can kill you all!" The lamia barks at them, her violet eyes wide. "Shoot me! Go ahead!"

Sure. I aim my makeshift rifle at her. This is an exceedingly easy shot, as she's just at ground level… and now I know this gun doesn't have a huge amount of recoil.

...I pull the trigger-

KRAKOOM

I need earplugs, legitimately.

"O-oh…!" The goo girl jumps in place, jiggling wildly.

The lamia gets violently thrown back by the bullet, knocked onto her side and off of her snake-like bottom.

Flopping onto her side- the arrows embedded in her snapping- she lets out a final moan. "Aa- _aauh_ …"

Thu-thu-thu-thu-thunk! Five of the archers fired into her corpse. Good job.

"What the _hell_ is that noise…?" The kid commander looks around, bewildered. "Has the Hakurei unleashed the demons of Hell?"

...We _are_ right next to the Hakurei Shrine. I suppose Reimu's out on errands, today, or else she would have probably wiped everyone, no questions asked.

The carpet-bombing fairies seemed to be gone, too. They might've fled when I shot Sunny into oblivion.

...In conclusion, the fight ended with about thirty-five guards remaining combat-ready. Five were injured, six were dead, and four were unconscious and crackling with danmaku energy. Basically, they were dead too.

 _Most_ of the ten support were fine, except for that one priest who was now a priestcicle. That, and that not-Reimu who got spattered in her friend's brain matter probably won't be the same.

...The casualties of the youkai were far less grand. To the guard's sixteen or so, there were only two dead wolfmen, one dead lamia, and some fairies. The fairies didn't really even count, since they respawn.

Sixteen humans to three meager youkai. They're supposed to raid the _Scarlet Devil Mansion_ and they're getting mowed down by whatever youkai decides to look at them funny.

…

Looking down at the grass under us, I see that a small circle around Shikome is dead now. She also seems really hyped now, if still not vocal about it-

"Can I join now?" Shikome requests.

"...Not at the moment." I inform her. "Maybe later."

"Mmm…" She's slightly subdued by the answer, but still eager. I'd rather she didn't massacre the guards just yet.

"What is that weapon…?" The pink goo girl turns to me. "It's like something the kappa would make…"

"You can eat all the youkai you want, by the way." I remind Shikome, and point at the goo girl. "Like her."

Shikome seems apprehensive. "...She looks disgusting."

The goo girl recoils. "Wha~t?" ...Then, she smirks. "I feel quite good, you know…"

Right. Before she molests one of us, "You can still absorb her energy or whatever it is you do."

...Shikome hesitantly stepped towards her-

The goo girl moved forward to glomp her. " _Gotcha!_ "

She let the goo girl wrap around her, keeping her arms and legs firmly together.

...The grass beneath Shikome, turned blackish, almost purple, before growing up into the slime that was wrapped around her.

A moment of this, and the goo girl began panicking. "He-hey, what is-..." She tried to move away, only for the grass to rapidly grow up into her goo further. Tendrils grew from Shikome, rooting in the rest of the goo girl's form, to keep her in place. "A-ah, no…! Sto-stop, I wasn't- I wasn't-..."

Like the other goo girl I killed during my questing, the color of the pink goo girl's slime began fluctuating wildly, before settling for a dull grey, which soon became a clear liquid that sploshed to the floor.

...The clear liquid seemed to just be water, although there were curious pink chunks left behind.

Shikome's kimono now had a coat of pink stains over the brown, coagulated blood.

The grass crumbled, and Shikome retracted her tendrils. "Mrm… icky..."

I guess everyone stopped caring about the ear-piercing gunshots.

...It also seems like the guards are doing what they can with their wounded, the one priest going around healing who he can, while all the guards just bundled up in a big mass at the bottom of the Hakurei Shrine steps.

We should just go ahead and bother Meiling. I can already tell they're going to take sundown to get to the mansion.

"Let us move." I begin moving for the lake…

"But…" Shikome looks back at the guards. "Fine."

...As we move forward, we pass some of the earth fairies, who had taken refuge in the nearby bushes. They seem to have discarded their stone armor and big rocks, exhausted.

"Aa~h… what a cho~re…"

"Pebble-chan… wanna go grow some flowers?"

"I wanna grow some _rocks!_ "

Grow rocks.

/ / / / FLUFFLES ARE SUPER ASTUTE / / / /

We are now rounding the lake, well ahead of the guards. They've not even reached the rim of it, yet, still dawdling back at the Hakurei Shrine.

I took Shikome and myself along the rightmost edge of the lake. This was mostly because there was something _interesting_ on the left, which looked perhaps a bit _too_ interesting.

From here, it looked like some sort of bulky machine was being built, made with white and grey, futuristic looking parts. Rabbit girls in white outfits- the details of which I couldn't see from here, I'm pretty much blind- worked on this large, Apple product-esque machine. Even in the daylight, I could see brightly luminescent blue lights glow from their technology…

I know how the rabbits are, with their laser weaponry and such, so I'd rather not fight a battle like that.

The machine they were working on currently stood two-thirds as tall as the trees around it, and they were moderately tall trees. Though, I suppose a better comparison would be 'about as large as the village wall', which was three-four people tall. It was about as wide as at least six people, though.

Whatever it is, it can do what it wants. We're just passing through.

Shikome gives it a stare from our side of the lake, but largely ignores it.

…

As we continue to round the lake, however, a Cirno meanders into our way leisurely.

"Hey, hey, look at me!" She's instantly annoying. Her arms have curious plates and wires attached along them, along with her legs. She's got some kind of metal band around the top of her head, too. "Eye got cool stuff from the bunny people!"

Bunny people. "That's nice." I continue forward, ignoring the Cirno as she hovers over our heads…

"You _bet_ it's nice!" She drifts down next to us for some unholy reason, and floats just above the ground as she follows us. "Hey, where're we going?"

"Home." I casually ignore her.

"Oh." She accepts this answer. "Hey- did you see Sunny? She stole my _rock_. Eye was gonna do _rock_ things with it..."

"Yeah. She was over there somewhere." I point back at the Hakurei path side of the lake. Keyword being 'was'.

Cirno does a one-eighty in the air as she drifts along with us, using her hand to shield her eyes from the sun as she looks back…

Then, she does another one-eighty and keeps up with us. "Oh, well. When the bunny people make me the computer machine, Eye'll get her!"

I don't know what she's doing, but I don't care, either.

…

We are now two-thirds around the lake.

"You guys ever had candy before?" Cirno makes idle conversation. "It's awesome!"

Shikome seems to be ignoring her, too. Great.

...Noticing our non-responses, she gets annoyed. "Okay- hey, what. Alright, Eye get it, you guys don't like candy. Eye bet you're all the really boring stuffy people type…"

She knows a lot about people.

…

Cirno drifts closer to Shikome. "...You smell like one of my friends! Really like… Eye dunno. Tinge-y? Like- like when Eye lick a spoon without food on it. A _metal_ spoon."

Shikome gives her a droll glance.

...Cirno snaps her fingers. "Eye got it! You smell like… hrm." She deflates. "Mi...thril? Co~balt? A metal. You- you smell like metal, yeah."

Good conversation.

Abruptly, Shikome lunges forward, and grabs Cirno by the face.

...Cirno blinks. "Hey, _hey_. _Hey_."

"Choose your words wisely, young one, or you will suffer in the grave." Shikome spells out her fate.

…

Cirno furrows her brows. "Don't call me an _idiot!_ Eye'm- Eye'm… super good at seeing things! Eye'm the strongest!"

Shikome immediately slams Cirno's head into the ground.

Pi~chun! The fairy explodes into a blast of mana. Some of the technological parts that were on her now lie on the ground.

…

Briefly crouching down, I take the parts. No reason to just leave'em around. Someone might trip on them. The parts comprise of four limb pad-wire combo things, and the technological headband.

With that settled, we continue towards the mansion.

/ / / / FLUFFLES ARE SO FREAKIN' SOFT DUDE / / / /

Shikome and I approach the manor gate…

Meiling is both awake, and keeping a watchful eye on us.

Before we even bother with her, however, I wish to confer with the fluffy abomination stand next to the gate.

Strutting up to it, I gesture to it, showing it to Shikome. "Dust merchant."

The fluffle waves its fins. "hi friends"

"Ask it for wares." I instruct her. "It's very… _picky_ about customers."

...Shikome stares at it dryly. "Show me your wares."

...The fluffle simply stares into the space between us, its smile obscured.

…

Shikome looks at me.

"Ask it again?" I suggest.

Looking at it again, she retries. "Show me your wares."

"undefined" The fluffle states, before smiling. ";',.;',';,.';,. here, friend"

It spreads a fin across nearly none of the counter, yet manages to lay some objects.

...I don't know what these are. It has literally laid out abstract geometry.

One _looks_ like a club, made of bright yellow, blue, and red surfaces that seem to not be affected by lighting.

There's some kind of metal machine with many springs, bolts, and plated surfaces. I can't tell what it does, or if it does anything.

...There's also a _something_ here. Three lilac surfaces seemingly not connected to anything, as if they were two-dimensional images. Between them there was a dark aura of some kind, rippling unevenly.

Finally, there was some kind of jagged shard, which seemed to have blurry, low resolution pixels running up the surfaces of it.

Well, then.

I point at the club. "What."

The fluffle looks at me. "H-one-zero-one-one-C-E-underscore-H-N-H. costs seventy-seventy-seventy-seventy-seventy…" The fluffle pauses. ";,'.;,'.,'.; octodecillion yen. one million five hundred. seven hundred percent resistance to water! nine hundred percent resistance to stunning dealt by fire magic! negative three hundred seventeen bomb resistance. randomly casts Ars Arcanum when equipped! randomly spawns Atlach-Nacha youkai! casts Dark Spiral on impact. randomly debuffs the user's accuracy"

...Shikome reaches for it-

I grab her arm. "I… don't think we should bother with it."

...She retracts her arm.

...Ignoring the block of a metal machine, I point at the suspended lilac textures with the uneven dark aura. "How?"

The fluffle doesn't necessarily answer the question. "saigyou-underscore-ability six-five-one. costs ;,'.;',.;,.';,;,'.; renminbi! gives nine hundred ninety-nine instant death resistance to the user! may instantly kill the user. randomly dooms the user. casts Annihilate randomly! randomly casts Sacrifice! gives the user nine hundred ninety-nine healing resistance! gives the user one hundred percent auto-life immunity."

...Okay, then. That is likely the worst weapon to exist in any fictional universe ever.

I think… we should just go.

Shikome looks at the jagged, low resolution shard, her head tilted. "...What's that?" She points at it.

The fluffle smiles at her. "A-J-U-underscore-eleven-seven-eight. costs eighty-eighty-eighty quattuordecillion Quasi Universal Intergalactic Denomination coins! randomly replaces the coordinates of the wielder! can be used as a crafting material! eight hundred percent earth resistance! grants one thousand two hundred fire resistance. grants immunity to asphyxiation! randomly syphons the wielder. one hundred percent ice resistance! sixty-five percent freezing resistance! five thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine sun resistance! randomly spawns ;,.';',.;,.;,';. when equipped. randomly spawns skeletons! ignites objects on impact."

...Okay. Randomly replaces your coordinates. Considering how large _space_ is… the chances of being teleported somewhere on Earth's surface are nonexistent.

…

I look over my shoulder, to see Meiling just sort of standing there, awed.

...She looks at me, then back at the fluffle. "...I'm vaguely worried."

"Does your mistress have enough to pay for any of them?" I ask, for a friend.

"No." She replies instantly.

Darn. I wanted to travel into space with skeleton friends.

…

Oh, by the way, "Can we go inside?" I ask Meiling.

"...No." She promptly denies us.

Good. "Why not?" I question her.

She begins to back towards the wall beside the gate. "It's not visiting hours, yet. That, and a _certain masked individual_ caused some rather bad things to happen the last time he was here."

"Do you mean… _this_ masked individual?" I slide my mask up.

...Meiling sighs. "Yeah, I figured. Just go away. You won't like it even if you do get in."

Nah, we're still getting in. We'll probably just go around the back… once those lunatics reach the gate, here. I don't know how Shikome would fare against Meiling.

"If it's bad for me to go in," I argue, "isn't that a reason for you to let me in?"

Meiling smirks. "...Nah." Folding her arms, she rests against the wall. "Just doing my job, y'know?"

"Okay. We'll leave, then." Let us… walk back, from whence we came.

Turning around, I waltz down the path, away from the manor. Shikome follows me, somewhat perplexed.

Meiling smiles at us as we meander down the path…

…

"Can I still eat her?" Shikome uses her thumb to gesture back at the gatekeeper.

...You know what? I don't really know. If I say yes, there will be hard conflict that could end either way. If I say no, we'll have to wait for the dumbass brigade to create a distraction and hope they aren't all already dead.

...Better safe than sorry. I _suppose_.

"I don't think you're ready as of now." ...Personally? I feel as though she might be. However, kicking Meiling's ass might have dire, dire consequences. Causing her to fall back, too, would have dire consequences. Namely a certain maid.

Shikome frowns. "How about I just eat you?"

"Nah. I'm too rotten at the core." I shake my head.

...We should play Go Fish in front of Meiling, without asking her to play. _That_ would show her.

/ / / / OMITTED AN ENTIRE MEILING FIGHT SCENE, SON. FEELS BAD MAN / / / /

It is now sundown.

As it turns out, the fluffle had a pack of cards on hand. The only condition was that we allowed it to play. Sacrifices had to be made.

"whats it gonna be huh" The fluffle held out two cards to Shikome, jutting them both back and forth in the air. "you wanna be a saint" It holds out one card, "or a grinch" It holds out the other.

She just stares down at the cards with a vain expression on her face. "Are you mocking me, dustbag?"

...The fluffle starts sniffing the air, slowly standing up as it does so.

"You're mocking me, aren't you?" Shikome's pretty sure, now.

We're also playing in front of Meiling. We have not invited her to join, by simple virtue of the fact she refused to offer us her pack of cards when we initially asked her.

"if i said yes would you no longer love me" The fluffle's smile became obscured.

Shikome grabs it by its torso, and lifts it into the air. "I would never love your kind."

She squeezes it, and it collapses into dust in her hand.

Poof. The cards we had all collapsed into dust, too.

...

I hear noises in the distance.

"Fucking _finally!_ "

"We made it! Time to breach the gates 'a _hell!_ "

"Do not falter, men! We serve _mankind!_ "

I turn to Meiling, and stand up… "Oh yea~h. I forgot to tell you something."

She leans past me to see the incoming horde. "Yea~h?"

"There's an army coming your way." I spread the news. "You might want to do something about it."

"What?" Meiling looks between me and the horde. "How? Why?"

I begin to strut away. "Bye." Shikome gets up and begins following me, too.

...Meiling looks bamboozled.

Looking away, me and my loli eventually progress to the corner of the front exterior wall…

Pausing there, I look back at the gate.

Some swordsmen were already running at Meiling, five of them side by side with large broadswords raised into the air.

Meiling brought her arms back, as if she were preparing a Hadouken. "Extreme Light…"

...Like before, the swordsmen decelerated to a stop before her, looking for moments to get a good jab in rather than just throwing themselves at her. They probably should have strategized a bit earlier than that.

"Glorious Morning Star!"

She brought her arms forward-

 _Fwoam!_ Before her, an immensely bright white orb of energy generates, and slowly accelerates from her form. Shockwaves of rainbow energy unevenly pulsate and expand from the orb's wake, making everything behind it shine rapid, fruity colors.

The swordsmen stood no chance. Even still, they brought their broad blades down into the orb-

 _Fwam-Fwam-Fwam!_ The orb fluctuates over their forms, and explodes into rainbow energy.

" _Guaa~h!_ " All five fall down, crackling with rainbow danmaku energy. Their swords lay beside them, completely and utterly useless.

Arrows whirl towards Meiling-

 _Woosh!_ She throws herself to the side, the arrows passing her form-

 _Thunk!_ One sticks in her torso, the otherwise totally off shot actually connecting _because_ of her dodge.

Five more swordsmen run up from the horde to replace the ones that were lost, although they're so skittish that they don't actually advance meaningfully.

 _Bang!_

One of the skittish swordsmen falls forwards, his head's contents now splayed out before him.

"Engage her! It is _one_ youkai! _One!_ " The kid barks from atop a miko's shoulders.

Donning a primal yet fearful look on their faces, the four swordsmen bolt for Meiling, their swords held high.

Fwi-fwi-fwi-fwish! Another of volley arrows is already unleashed on the front, towards Meiling. This is rather unfortunate, because the swordsmen are there, too.

Sticking low to the ground, Meiling runs forward. A swordsmen raises his blade, but she's way too fast for a broadsword engagement-

She grapples the swordsman by the waist, sticking towards the ground. Her tackle pushes him forward about five feet, although it looks like she's keeping him held up-

Thu-thu-thu-thunk!

Two guards fall to the arrows their allies fired, pierced through the torso. The man Meiling held onto was also pierced, expression fluctuating in agony as his friends bombarded him.

Thu-thu-thu-thunk! _Another_ barrage of arrows? Already? That doesn't seem humanly possible.

The other guard that was standing is nailed by three of them, and falls.

Meiling's body shield is filled with five more arrows.

Thu-thu-thu-thunk!

Meiling's body shield is now a porcupine. She's distanced himself from grappling him proper, instead propping herself under him with one arm on the ground, and one arm on his collar, her legs under his.

Thu-thu-thu-thunk!

I think they're going to run out of arrows, at this rate.

The not-Reimu mikos skirt around the gate's clearing, keeping out of the archer fire but also trying to surround Meiling…

"Holy Sign!" A blue-haired miko holds up an ofuda, flanking Meiling. "Youkai Killing Spell!"

...She tosses the ofuda forward, and it becomes a random shotgun spread of danmaku ofuda. Good.

By the time the ofuda neared Meiling, only two of the twelve shot spread actually hit her, and she didn't seem to react to them at all.

"God Sign!" A miko with long, black hair raises three ofuda. "Punishment Rondo!"

She tosses the three ofuda into the air before herself. Somehow, they stick to the air a few feet into the toss.

…

They each fire one extremely inaccurate and rather slow green ofuda-shaped danmaku bullet.

Thu-thu-thu-thunk! The additional arrows fired just make the guard Meiling's shielded herself with spikier.

The three suspended ofuda fire more pitifully inaccurate bullets.

 _Bang!_

Since the kid commander was atop one of the miko's shoulders, he was also positioned along Meiling's flank.

"Gh…?" Meiling flinches, a splatter of blood forming aside herself from her new bullet wound. "Shit…"

...Even so, she kept the body shield. This time, however, she got herself out of her precarious stance she held with it, and was instead dragging it back along towards the gate…

She looks over at the kid commander, before looking back over her body shield-

Thu-thu-thu-thunk! Arrows filled the body shield even further.

Taking this moment, Meiling pounded a leg into the floor, spun around, and tossed the body shield at the archers.

The dead man spun in the air as it neared the archers-

 _Bam!_

"Holy _shit!_ "

"My- my bow! Broke my bow…!"

"Aaaa~h!"

...The front line of archers fell apart, but the reserve archers moved to stand in front of them, taking a moment to set up their bows.

 _Bang!_

Meiling steps back, another bullet piercing her torso. "Damn it…"

"We have her now!" The kid commander was feverishly adjusting his flintlock. "Fire, fire, _fire!_ "

...From here, I could see large, blue tomes adjusting themselves in the air over the manor.

Sss~. A tiny fountain firework-like entity was set off next to where Meiling normally stands at the gate.

...Nodding at it, Meiling crouches-

 _Woosh!_ She leaps back, and over the gate entirely. After landing, she backpedals into the manor.

" _Forward!_ "

 _Bang!_ The bullet goes into the air, smoke billowing from the blond child's gun.

" _Yea~h!_ " The remaining swordsmen and bowmen all charge towards the gate.

…

Clink-clink! The swordsmen start hitting the lock with their swords, but it doesn't budge much.

 _Bang!_ The kid shoots it, but the gate hardly jiggles.

...They're genuinely impeded by the gate itself. This is a sad day.

Cli-clink. Clink. _Bang!_ Cli-clink. Clank! _Bang!_

...Why _does_ that kid never have to reload? I wish I had an infinite ammo flintlock.

Glancing up, I see there were now five blue tomes in the air. Large, blue magical circles began expanding from behind them...

Fwom-Fwom-Fwom! Five orbs of water were launched from the contents of their pages and high into the air, like mortar shots.

...As they fell, I determined that the orbs were around nine feet in diameter.

 _Spla-spla-spla-splash!_

As the water mortar shots slammed down on the front, men were sent sprawling and flying. Weapons- bows, arrows, hook things- were washed away from their wielders and mixed up.

"Oh, God…!"

"You've gotta be kiddin' me…!"

"It's only water, assholes! _Water!_ "

The kid bares his teeth, the miko he's mounted upon looking terrified. "Keep at it! The gate is no doubt soon to open! By the village's will, it will be _done!_ "

...The tomes retracted after that. They just fired one volley, and decided to give up.

Cli-click. The gate seems to open on its own, without the guard's aid. I think Remilia just humored them.

...Staring at it for a moment, the kid aims his flintlock at the closed door ahead. "Cha~rge!"

The frontmost guards are largely uninjured, barreling through the gate without worry. The other thirty or so men, however, are waterlogged, displaced, disarmed, and disoriented… and as such, are having trouble even getting back up off the floor. Good teamwork.

…

After I watch them get up off the floor and meander inside, I start moving back towards the gate's front again. It should be possible to just slip in behind them once they're all inside the manor.

Shikome dryly watches the last of the waterlogged guards get up, feverishly fumble for their weapons, and run on inside.

With all of the guards out of the way, we walk up to the open gate…

Well, there's a few guards still here. Two bowmen are jogging to keep up with the rest, and there's this one last swordsmen who's still searching for his weapon…

Shikome turns to me dryly, then looks back at the guard.

...As the guard moves to pass her, a tendril is immediately wrapped around his torso, binding his arms.

"Huh- whah!?" He begins kicking his legs-

 _Shink!_

...Shikome slides her hand out of his chest, pulling it from under the ribcage.

She takes a bite of the heart she claimed, her tendrils releasing the guy.

Thud. He fell onto his knees, then backwards, eyes fluttering.

...I scan the front of the mansion-

Remilia is sitting on the balcony overlooking the mansion's front, smiling smugly. Sakuya is standing next to her, still.

...Remilia gets up, and her form fades as she re-enters the manor. Sakuya simply vanishes.

Looks like fun.

…

I take a step inside the gate-

Fwam!

...Something curious happens to me, but I'm not sure what. A blue light flares up from under me-

Fwi~fwo- _chink!_

Three prisms float around me, glowing purple and blue.

Fwoom. Holy magic flares up my form, and I feel my strength draining slowly once again.

This must be a status ailment generator, then. Just perfect.

...Shikome walks in behind me-

 _Clang!_ The gate shuts behind us, loudly. It's almost as if we were let in intentionally.

She eyes the translucent, glowing prisms that now orbit my form. She reaches out for one, but her hand just passes through it.

I begin walking for the manor's front door. "Let us explore."

/ / / / WATER TOME MORTARS / / / /

 _Fwam, fwam!_ Thick, green bursts of non-elemental magic illuminate the normally dim scarlet lobby.

 _Fwoom!_ A jet of flames streches out from one red tome, consuming a band of guards which was simply trying to catch up with the main squad.

The kid commander-equipped squad of fake mikos is on the upper level, bolting down one of the far corridors. Archers and swordsmen struggle to run after them, only for a person-sized grey tome to get in their way and start pushing them.

Our main mission is to find the library. I'm pretty sure this annoying spell is that mage's doing.

Fwoom. Dark magic flares up under me, and my limbs are briefly covered by some sort of dark miasma, accenting the holy ripples. Yeah, this is going to be fun.

Thu-thu-thunk! A smaller, brown tome is pierced by three arrows. It turns to the archers that shot it-

Fwam! Fwam! Fwam! Thick, blue orbs of danmaku energy slam into them, knocking them out.

Kla-kla-klack! Fairy maids with danmaku muskets fire at some of the archers and swordsmen who tried defecting and covering more ground.

Pi-pi~chun! Arrows slay a few of the maids, but they counter with another volley of danmaku shots, not needing to reload their muskets.

"Augh!" Archers and swordsmen fall from the bullets, their weapons discarded.

I see they were quite well prepared.

After a few moments of getting smacked by tomes and harassed by fairies, most of the guard regiment was demolished. The five or so still conscious members drop to their knees, and hold up their arms in surrender.

"I-I give up…!"

"I don't like this anymore…!"

"Please…"

...Promptly, the more menacing tomes all file out of the room, roaring down the closet corridors to simply get out of the room. The weaker tomes floated up towards the ceiling, still keeping watch over the room.

"Yea~h!" A pink-haired fairy maid runs up to a surrendered archer, and aims her musket at him. "We _won!_ Chief's gonna be proud!"

Klack! The headshot from the danmaku bullet knocked the guard out instantly. Satisfied, she slipped the danmaku musket onto her back and stood there casually.

...None of the other maids went for any humiliation takedowns, but they did approach and keep their muskets on the remaining guards.

A fairy with long black hair chuckles. "...Yeah, just shoot _one_ of them. That'll show them."

If they see us, it seems they don't care. Probably because we look nothing like the guardsmen.

Having seen enough, I begin to move for the leftmost corridor. Shikome follows behind me, eying the scene curiously before properly tagging behind me.

…

Fwoom.

…I'm now soaked to the bone, as they say. This is very uncomfortable.

"Hey!" A fairy yells at us. "Where do you think _you're_ going!?"

"Away." I casually shoot back. "Bye."

"Fucking…" She begins to march up behind us. Promptly, I feel a barrel pressed against the back of my head. "Turn around, jackass."

Shikome casually reaches for the musket, and grabs it.

The black-haired fairy maid's expression flares, and she tries to tug it back. "Hey- hey! That's mine!"

Shikome runs her other hand along the barrel… and applies pressure-

Crea~k. It bends.

"Oh." She seems to have realized what it was, in some sense.

The fairy maid slouches. "...You _slut_."

I turn around to watch the fun.

…

Shikome abruptly tears the musket from the fairy's grasp completely, using her right arm to push the fairy away from it a little.

Lunging forward, she clubs the fairy across the head with the stock of the musket-

 _Clack!_ It makes a fun sound as the fairy is thrown to the side, flipped almost upside down, and lands on her head-

Pi~chun!

...Shikome drops the ruined musket. "Bitch."

That was fun.

Turning back around, I proceed down the hallway. I hear Shikome continue to follow behind me…

/ / / / FLUFFLES IN THE DESERT / / / /

We are now at the library door. It's wide open. That's new.

Fwoom. The prisms at my sides flare up for a moment.

...I didn't feel anything happen in particular. Aside from the dark and holy statuses making me feel like I've become a paper bag.

Ignoring the fact the library door was open and accepting of us, I continue to lead us into the library proper. Patchouli is likely to have some sort of method of binding me with this status spell that I could learn about with a simple chat with her.

As we march into the library, everything is quiet. There are no tomes in the air, and no one seems to be flying around.

…

Eventually, we reach a clearing. Patchouli floats in the air far above the clearing, smiling as she jots things down into the clipboard…

…

I'm not sure if she knows we're here or not.

After a few moments of observing her, she allows three crystals to drift out from behind herself, all the color of the prisms binding me with statuses.

"Looking for these?" Seems she _does_ know we're here. "These are the crystals I've used to apply a status ailment lock to you. If you break them, you will be free for some time. Or you could simply leave the manor and the spell would dismiss itself, but I doubt you've got any intention of doing that."

That's very convenient.

"You've given me a lot of data, so far." She's still smiling into her clipboard. "I'm looking forward to the coming hours, as well. Not many people voluntarily let me subject them to crippling statuses, you know. There's few people I can simply spring it on, either… and the fairies don't make terribly great subjects. Their biology is problematic, you see."

...She finally parts her gaze from the clipboard, and looks at both myself and Shikome. "...I was rather surprised to see that you've brought a friend."

Patchouli takes the moment to look around, before calling out. "Koakuma~. Did you find that book…?"

Koakuma drifted up from a shelf below. "Yeah, yeah. It kinda sucked, 'cause it wasn't where… you know."

"Quite." Patchouli held out her arm as Koakuma drifted up to her side, accepting the thick book. Allowing her clipboard to drift in the air beside herself, Patchouli began flipping the book open. "Let's see…"

Then, she looks past the book itself as she flips, to converse with me. "You, down there. Who is that friend of yours?"

"A friend." I reply.

Patchouli snorts. "Is she a youkai? Well… she appears it- even so."

"I am unsure. She could be a youkai, a demon, an angel…" I give her uncertainty as my best answer.

She blinks. "Demon? Angel? Hmm. That's more than I anticipated, actually. In which case…"

She pauses. "I remember the page, now. Right- in this case…"

The book drifts out of her hands, flipping to the page she desired immensely fast. She snapped her fingers-

A clump of tomes fell from the darkness of the ceiling, rocketing down towards the clearing…

 _Bam!_ They slammed against the floor, causing the nearby shelves to shake, and the floor to vibrate.

...It seemed to just be a pile of tomes. Red, blue, and green tomes, along with a few other curious colors like orange and brown.

"Can we go?" Shikome turns to me. "I'm bored."

The tome Patchouli was flipping floated down, surrounded by the three crystals that supposedly sealed me with statuses. Quickly, they all darted into the pile of tomes, displacing a few as they did so.

I turn to her. "Probably. It'd be good if those crystals-"

Fwoom. Purple and blue magic flared up beneath me. I have no idea what happened.

"-were shattered." I finished my sentence.

Fwoa~m…

The pile of tomes had light splash out from inside.

"Yeah, this looks annoying. Let's just leave." Let's not stick around for this.

...Patchouli shrugs, somewhat disappointed. "Hmm. Perhaps I'll find someone willing later. I suppose this is as things should be."

...If the crystals are in the pile of tomes, I simply need to burn them.

Slipping out my fire scissors, I advance towards them.

"I wouldn't do that." Patchouli advises me. "I can't stop the activation sequence at this point."

That sounds too bad.

As I near the pile of tomes, they begin shifting. I expected as much.

...Planning a throw, I arc the arm holding the fire scissors back as I backpedal a little bit…

Blue tomes create some sort of box at the bottom of whatever is being created. Green tomes create a thick, pointy central mass atop the blue books, and the red tomes create a large box with an open slot at the top.

Red books slide out from the sides of the green central part, creating a left arm and a right arm. The left arm of the construct appears to be stubby, with a hole in the middle, while the rightmost one extends outward. It was almost as if it was holding a pole made of red tomes.

...The exposed space at the top darkened, and two azure eyes flashed to life in the darkness.

"Nn~gh…" A rather womanly voice came from the giant book construct. "How many years has it been…?"

"Forty-seven." Patchouli replies promptly. "I stuck you in a suit of books, by the way. Don't panic."

...The 'suit of books' rotates by moving the blue tomes beneath itself, like treads. The tomes drip and create water as they move to lubricate themselves, forcing themselves to hydroplane in order to move on the carpeted floor. "...I see. How childish."

Patchouli snorted. "...Although, at the moment, the purpose I've summoned you for seems to have resolved itself. I could get you out of that, and chat for a bit, if you're interested."

"Alright…" The book-based golem raises its two arms repeatedly. "...Wow, this is stiff. I guess this is what you get when you make book armor…"

She aims the stout arm at some of the tables in the clearing-

 _Boom! Bam! Boom!_

Bright amber projectiles are shot by the cannon-esque arm, blowing the tables to charred pieces.

...I'm pretty sure we still shouldn't bother.

"Let's go…" Turning right around, I begin marching out of the library. Perhaps status effect hell won't be so bad after all.

Shikome dryly eyes the golem of tomes, but turns around to follow me anyway.

/ / / / VROOM VROOM / / / /

I was hoping to have introduced Shikome to some books. In the literary way, not the 'fight a giant book golem with an explosive cannon arm' way.

After leaving the library and taking a single turn, we found ourselves in front of the door to Remilia's throne room. It was also open, although in a more unorganized manner, like it was just tossed open by ruffians.

...Walking into the door, knowing Remilia felt like seeing me, I was treated to a sight.

Numerous not-Reimu mikos were currently tied to the various pillars at the sides of the throne room.

The young commander was surprisingly still up, though it seems his flintlock was long since destroyed. Blood spattered Remilia's gold and velvet throne, hinting that he did get some good shots in on her when he first saw her.

"Hra~h!" He swing his shortsword wide, which Remilia easily slid out of the way of.

"I think you'll pull a muscle before you hit me." Remilia had a smug grin on her face. "Do keep trying, however. You're a rather adorable child."

" _Silence!_ " Running at her again, the kid brings his sword down-

Clink. It hits the floor.

Remilia was once again a few feet further away. "Such effort with every swing. It's almost as if you believed you would hit me."

...The kid grins at her. "Oh? I-I'll have you know… I am one of the most prestigious commanders of the village guard!"

"Which was all but vaporized before you had even stepped foot into my throne room." Remilia elaborated. Then, she smirked. "Why hadn't you brought the _entire_ guard? Surely you're strong more men than a mere _fifty_. I do not include these sorry excuses for shrine maidens, either."

Without running at Remilia, the commander swings wide-

Woosh! His blade flies out of his hand, spinning towards Remilia-

 _Woosh!_ Remilia did an exaggerated dodge, leaping into the air and letting it barely miss the length of her back.

...She drifted back onto her feet, smug again. "See? No hope of hitting me."

"You coward!" The kid barks at her. "...If you hadn't the _agility_ to escape my might…!"

Remilia rolls her eyes. "Please. You know what?"

...Turning around, she casually walks over to the sword, picks it up, and gives it a half-hearted toss back at him. It clatters before his legs.

...Eyes narrowed, he crouches down and accepts the sword. "I will make you regret your _arrogance_ , vampire."

Walking up to him, Remilia props her arms on her hips.

...Taking a moment, the kid reels his blade back for a big swing. Then, he unleashes it with a wide attack-

Shink! The blade slips into Remilia's forearm.

…

Remilia smiles at him, looking him in the eyes. "I'm waiting."

...Shink. He tears the blade from her arm, and not a second later, her flesh regenerates to correct the slight blemish his sword inflicted.

After looking her over, and looking back at his sword, almost in disbelief, he tries again with a simpler, more sudden wide swing-

Shink. He embeds the sword farther up her arm, this time. Again, nothing happens, so he just pulls it out, and the wound heals right up.

"...You're a _monster_." The kid backs away from her, eyebrows raised.

"Fufufu~..." Remilia folded her arms. "It's too late for flattery. Did it take you _this_ long to figure that out?"

...Backing away, he rapidly searched his pockets for anything useful-

Thud. In one sudden movement, Remilia pushed him to the ground. "Aa-aah!" He flailed his limbs once he made impact with the carpet.

"Sakuya~." Remilia drawled lazily. "Tie him up, please."

Without me even seeing Sakuya's presence, the blond kid before Remilia was suddenly tied up neatly, complete with a little bow.

...Smiling at her maid's handiwork, Remilia looked away from him, and at me. "Oh, hello there. My sincerest apologies, as you can see I've been slightly busy."

I see. "Hey."

Fwoom. Faded green magic flares up beneath me-

Oo~h. O~kay. I am now… really tired. It fades in intensity almost immediately, but… that's really something. That, or I'm getting acclimated to it and not realizing how tired I am.

"Fufufu~..." Remilia is amused at my plight. "Are you enjoying that little game? I had Patchy set it up for you, you know."

"Yeah, I look like an archmage now." These prisms are quite fancy, even if crippling. Such is the price of aesthetics.

Remilia snorts. "If archmages casted crippling debuffs on themselves. Speaking of annoyances…"

Remilia looked at one of the room's pillars, prompting me to glance at it.

Shikome seems to have scaled it, and removed some of the innards from one of the village shrine maidens. She looked back at us abruptly, realizing she was spotted. It seems that even the shrine maiden's vocal cords were annihilated with a tendril, so as to keep her from making noise.

"Could you keep your… _friend_ from consuming my property?" Remilia requests of me. "I'll overlook a snack or two, but one's prey is one's own, yes? It's not every day the human village is mentally deficient enough to break Yakumo's agreement themselves to march into oblivion."

"I can't control what she does." I tell her. I'm lying, though.

...Remilia nods. "That's unfortunate."

Walking up to the pillar, she calls up to Shikome. "You. You!"

...Shikome looks back down at her, face bloody with some manner of gore. I can't really see from here, but it's probably half-eaten entrails or something.

"Yes, you. Caked in stale blood, with the life-sapping aura." Remilia makes it clear who she's looking for.

...Shikome tilts her head at her.

"Get down here, would you?" Remilia requests. "I'd like a chat."

...Shikome wraps her tendrils around the base of the leg. Letting go of the pillar, she grabs onto the leg-

Ri~p! She lets gravity help her in severing the leg. As she falls, she also rends some of the rope attached to it with a slash, and retracts the tendrils at the leg's stump.

Thud. She lands on her feet nearly evenly, now holding a disembodied leg. "...What sort of chat?"

...Remilia's staring at her dryly. "Interesting. Anyway- simple pleasantries, matters of food, the like. Perhaps some tea?"

Shikome is eying her like she's unsure what to exactly say, but isn't very appealed.

...Remilia reads this. "No tea, then?"

"Sounds gross." Shikome rejects the idea of having tea.

"...Alright, then." Remilia dryly glances away, before looking back at her. "You may request what you'd like, then. Saku-"

"You look delicious." Shikome states. "Can I have you?"

…

Remilia stares at her blankly. "I don't follow."

...Shikome takes a few steps towards Remilia, leans close to her, and sniffs. Then, she backs away a little bit. "Very tasty..."

Remilia's expression is still blank. "... I-... I still don't follow. What is this?"

I… am uncertain myself.

Shikome casually steps towards her again, getting close…

Remilia just eyes her as she nears.

Reaching out, Shikome caresses Remilia's chin with her free hand, and begins to lean in…

"Wh-what?" Remilia looks incredulous.

Then, Shikome's lips meet hers-

In the next instant, Remilia brings an arm up-

 _Bam!_ Bam!

After taking a punch to the gut, Shikome is launched into the pillar, her impact cracking it.

"You- you damned life stealer!" Remilia wipes her lips with her arm hastily. "You think you could tempt _me!?_ "

...Shikome looks up from the pillar, and licks her own lips. "You were very tasty…"

"Bu- wh- you…!" Remilia is baffled. Mission success.

"As I said, I can't control her." I add my two cents.

...Remilia scowls at the both of us, before huffing. "Normally… this would be the part where-"

Fwoom. Orange magic flares up beneath me, and I stumble around for a moment. What?

...Remilia eyes me dryly. "Don't get _that_ excited. Anyway- this would be the part where I tell you two to get the hell out and not come back until next week or something, as you typically do. However…"

Drifting back, she hovers over her throne…

"Sakuya." She calls for her maid. "Bring me… the _mirror_."

Sakuya appears next to the throne, and before the throne itself is a large, person-sized mirror with a curtain draped over it.

"Behold." Remilia has become incredibly smug. "Within this mirror, you will find yourself… and you will not like what you see. Why, it may be so gruesome, it could _injure_ you. Gruesomely."

Only injure and not kill? You need to step up your game.

"Sakuya, if you would please?" Remilia instructs her maid to act.

Sakuya nods. "Right away, mistress." Standing at the mirror's side, she tilts it towards us, and pulls the curtain from it.

Shikome and I stare into it. It glimmers unnaturally, our reflections not initially shown by it. After a line of light travels across it, a figure bolts towards it from where I would be standing in the reflection…

After it aggressively sprints towards the mirror, it leaps through.

" _Hrraa~nh!_ " Lacking a proper jaw, the no-eyed abomination shambles forward upon landing, holding a bulky pair of what has to be black scissors. They have curious blue lights gleaming from segments of the block-like blades and-

In the time I was describing it, Shikome bolted towards it.

As she neared, it slowly reeled the scissors-arm back. "Hrr~h…"

Two tendrils launch from each of Shikome's arms, and wrapped tightly around each arm socket. Bringing her leg up, she uses a few additional tendrils to grab onto the dark clone's arms proper, and straighten them out. Once she had both under control, she performs a very high kick for her size-

 _Ri~p!_

The dark clone is sent flying into the air, straight up. Black, gooey liquid gushes out of the arm sockets, the amount of tar coming out disproportionate to my body size.

...After glancing around the room, I notice the kid commander is now propped up against one of the pillars, gazing at the scene in what was probably fascinated horror.

... _Thud_. " _Hro~h…_ "

My clone lands on his feet, surprisingly. His torso was awkwardly contorted from the black goo that gushed out of him while he was airborne. Despite being disarmed- literally- and likely out of blood, it continues to shamble towards Shikome.

Looking up, Shikome darts to the side preemptively.

Vrrr-Vrrr-Vrrr~!

Three saw blades drop at a perfect diagonal angle down into the wood where she stood, and continue drilling forwards towards the other end of the room…

Darting forwards, Shikome shoots out four tendrils from her arms, which wrap around the dark clone's neck. Then, she grabs onto the head herself, putting her thumbs into the already empty eye sockets-

Cr-crack! Ri~p!

She tears the head of the dark being free, and tosses it to the side. Little more black tar was able to gush from the neck of the being, as it was already mostly empty.

…

Thud. The dark being dropped onto its knees.

Thud. It collapsed onto its torso.

…

The black tar all began to become smoke, along with the clone's body. Once it all fully evaporated, it drifted back into the mirror from whence it came.

"Interesting, interesting." Remilia gave a golf clap. "More tea, Sakuya." She'd apparently somehow got snuck some tea in the midst of that last fight.

"As you wish, Mistress." Sakuya pops out and in within a second, except now she has an additional teapot.

Shikome stares into the empty mirror, watching the dark smog retract back into it.

…

It glimmers unnaturally again, except this time a new being is revealed inside.

Due to its proximity with the mirror's surface, it drifts out immediately, causing Shikome to dart back cautiously.

The being that drifts out has no limbs. Instead of legs, there's a smooth, futuristic cap that has two smooth, white pods at the bottom. These pods generate blue waves of energy, akin to anti-gravity devices one might commonly see in video games.

The torso was human-like and fleshy, but the upper torso was completely white and featureless.

Having no arms, there were instead two illuminant blue sockets, with some kind of blue energy pouring out from them.

It had the head of a human girl, with long, brown hair, although her eyes were white and empty, as well as glowing.

All in all, it seemed to be a cyborg that resembled something akin to lunarian technology.

"Voice_protocol_zero_one_engaged:_method_activation." It spoke with a generic text-to-speech voice. "May God have mercy on man and machine, for their sins." That second soundbyte, however, sounded pre-recorded.

...Also, how and why does this exist?

...Shikome hesitantly strafes around it, before lunging at it with her arm-

 _Crack!_ Her strike fails to rend through flesh, despite hitting the seemingly fleshy part. Once the skin ripped, there was nothing organic inside. Instead, there were many smooth parts, tubes, and the occasional wire.

Rapidly floating up into the air to distance itself from Shikome, the being 'spoke'. "Minor_damage_sustained. Threat_level_assessed:_regeneration_for_nine_turns_authorized."

Fwoom! The blue lights across its body flared, as did its eyes.

Fwoa~sh. The skin on its body repaired itself, and it glowed a bright white, for only a moment.

...Then, it rapidly accelerated over to me. I stumble back somewhat- too tired and drained by my numerous debuffs to properly launch myself away.

Instead of mauling me like I expected, two translucent, blue beams arced from its metallic arm sockets, connecting with my body.

...I slowly felt myself feel a little better.

"Status_ailments_detected:_Cursed,_Weakened,_Wet,_Syphoned,_Staggered,_Tired. Cleanse_authorized."

Fwoa-shi~ng!

A bright light travels up my form. Immediately, I am no longer tired, or wet. Oh.

...I pat myself. The prisms are still there, but it seems she has removed all my debuffs.

Fwoom. Immediately, dark magic flares up from beneath me again, and dark miasma travels up my body once more. Good.

The limbless cyborg of healing zooms away from me, stopping at the kid commander who is tied up. It focuses its two healing beams on him, for a moment.

"Wh-what are you…?" He wiggles a little, and turns his head away. "...What are you doing to me!?"

Shikome darts towards the floating cyborg, and as she nears, she sends a tendril out into it-

Cra~ck! The tendril pierces its metal innards, or something.

Pulling her tendril back, Shikome pulls the cyborg along with it-

 _Bam!_ She slams the healing machine into the floor. However, when she goes to lunge for it, it rebounds and twirls into the air, likely as per its anti-gravity modules.

Righting itself, it drifts towards Remilia-

Fwoa~sh. A light travels up the robot's form, and the hole and smash marks created on it seemingly disappear entirely.

Remilia stares at it dryly, as it focuses its healing beams on her. "...What the hell _are_ you?"

"Seikatsu_Kikai_oh_oh_oh_one." It replies promptly. "Alpha_release. Please_realize_this_is_a_test_build_and_all_details_are_subject_to_change_for_the_final-" Cli-cli~ck. It seems to pause unnaturally. "-build."

...Remilia just stares at it. "Oka~y. Who~ made you, then?"

"I_am_the_Genesis_model." It doesn't answer her question, and keeps going. "Please_log_your_feedback_in_the_datalogs_hosted_on_the_provided-" Cli-cli~ck. "-privately_hosted_webserver. The_password_is_'SeikatsuKikaiAlphaLog'."

"What?" Remilia furrows her brows. "You didn't answer my question…"

The machine drifts away from her unresponsively.

Fwoa~sh. A light travels up the robot's form again, healing it in spite of the fact it took no damage yet.

Shikome shoots another tendril up at it-

 _Crack!_ The tendril pierces the machine's soft stomach, and rends its way through the metal.

Pulling it towards herself, Shikome creates more tendrils to try and puncture the machine into oblivion.

Cr-cr-crack! Five more tendrils pierce its form, causing odd, round parts and some chip-like pieces to clatter out of it.

"Moderate_damage_sustained." The machine spoke louder than normal. "Commencing_defensive_measure."

Fwam. Shikome flinches, when an orb of light expands over her figure. "Egh…"

Fwam. It happens again, causing her to retract her tendrils. "Ngh…"

Fwam. The third orb of light that expands and dissipates over her has her fully disengaged from the machine. Holy ripples ran across her form-

Fwoom. Patchouli's debuff prisms kicked in, and gave me the holy ripples of weakness, too. Good.

Fwoa~m! The robot's energy flared, and a large spiral of white energy formed in the air over the room.

...As it spun, I begin to feel pretty good, akin to when she had the medi-beams on me.

...Shikome un-cringes, feeling better as well. That machine really just healed its opponent, it seems.

The holes in the robot's body begin to reconstruct. It seems that spiral she created simply heals everybody.

…

While it floats in the air idly, Shikome eyed it…

'Commencing_defensive_measure." The machine spoke again.

Shikome looks around, seeing nothing at first-

Fwi-crack, fwi-crack, fwi-crack.

Three rather quaint missile-like devices fall at a downward angle from above the machine, landing near Shikome.

Sensing that they were nothing but trouble, Shikome leaps away-

 _Boom! Bam! Boom!_

The floor the rockets embed themselves in was annihilated once they detonated, the fragments dropping down to the room below this one.

...Slowly, the healing machine drifts downwards and into the hole in the floor.

…

Well, then.

Shikome stares over the hole, but didn't seem willing to chase after the machine.

…

"Well." Remilia huffs. "That was a disappointment."

I suppose. It seems the holy healing machine is now free to heal the entire world at its leisure, one individual at a time. Or at least this mansion, considering how often fairies get hurt.

" _Now_ you two can get the hell out." Remilia sips from her tea.

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

END OF CHAPTER 58.5

PROTAGONIST: Matthew, the Debatably Sane Outsider, Lord of Edges, Scissor-Slinging Slasher, Insurance Fraud Expert, Used Goods Reseller, Evil Spirit Cultivator, Shrine Maiden Evader, Professional Youkai Developer

PRIMARY WEAPON: Dash Scissors - Succubus training tool. Allows horizontal quick-dashes, for dodging and agility purposes. Doubles as scissors for kinky, cloth-cutting occasions. Or stabbing. Sleek, black design.

OFFHAND ITEMS: [A Single Rubber Glove] - For those moments one needs to touch a live power wire with one hand and fap with the other.

Electrical Scissors - Must be held by gloves at all times, lest they cause electrical fires. Can cause severe shocking and electricity-induced stunning in individuals susceptible, including myself if I'm stupid. Unable to be turned off.

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - Takes up no inventory space, because it is the inventory space. Has nine slots, and is easily accessible.

Steel Scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Quick Scissorang - Non-elemental scissors that are enchanted to return to the owner with ferocity. Not that powerful of a weapon, but combined with strong string it can be used like a powerful grappling hook. Looks like it belongs in a Barbie catalog.

Flame Scissors - Fire-elemental scissors that have an incendiary effect on strike. Boosts fire magic and abilities, as if I had any. Enchanted to grant 20% fire resistance, and reduce discomfort near fire.

Blessed Steel Scissors - Stained lightly with fresh blood from a young human female. Sharp, shiny-ish, and to the point! Also blessed...

Steel-alloy String - An experimental item provided by Alice as part of her testing. She uses these herself to manage her dolls, or so I'm told.

A Tuft of Cloth Strings - Pink, regular cotton string. It's soft, and clean.

(two more spaces remaining)

[Backpack] - Allows extended inventory, of twenty slots. Can hold larger items, but it takes longer to pull them out. Items inside are safer. It's also baby barf green.

Hedge Cutters - Rusty lawn pruning tool used by farmers to keep the vile hedges at bay. They're also sharp, so they've probably been used more than once in self-defense.

Dense Shard - A cloudy, very light grey shard. It's not a rock, however… it's too textureless. Perhaps usable as a reagent.

Teal Stone - Cool and refreshing to hold, exuding power of the wind. It's sort of shiny, too. Perhaps usable as a reagent.

Hackjob Rifle - A pseudo-railgun, made from an AK-47 barrel and a mangled toy gun. Laced with duct tape and wires to function, powered by electrical scissors, and uses small iron pellets as ammunition. Explodes violently if fed anything non-iron as ammo. Outside is coated with vegetable oil and must be wetted regularly to avoid violence upon powering up. Has yet to be fired, so power is unknown...

Water Scissors - Scissors that continuously produce water. How troublesome. 

Goldfish Snack Crackers - They're smiling. They might make a good snack...

Modern-ish Surge Protector - Protects against surges. Not very useful without unified electrical practices in housing. Can still be used as a paperweight and a brick, though.

(thirteen more spaces remaining)

/ / / /

PARTY:

Shikome, the Black Scion of the Saigyou

WEAPON: Dark Tendrils - Able to create tendrils from any part of her body, she can use them for powerful physical attacks.

INVENTORY:

[Defiled Kimono] - Coated in the coagulated blood of numerous unlucky people. Grants pockets.

(two inventory spaces remaining)

/ / / /

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

hello friends

and YES this chapter was ONE HELL OF A LONG ONE… there was just so much STUFF i wanted to put into it, and a lot of places matt wanted to get to that couldn't QUITE be fit in just a mere 10 k words

which is why this chapter is 16.9 k words officially, yeah (this is subtracting all the inventory guff).

oh yeah- we cut out an entire fight with meiling because we realized like… if shikome crippled her too much she'd kill her and i DIDN'T WANT THAT, but if she crippled her too little and she got awa~y… then she'd get SAKUYA, PROBABLY.

...and we DON'T WANNA FIGHT NO SAKUYA OH HO HO HO lemme tell you son

CA/N: also if shikome lost to meiling, it most likely would not end well for the MATT

this chapter was really bloody but ai don't think that's a bad thing; especially 'cause matt's got a youkai friend now who likes to eat people, this is just kinda like… what happens when you get a SUCCESSFUL YOUKAI who does the whole "eating people" thing well enough.

village guard got curbed for being noobs; don't worry, though, those 50 guards were but a fraction of their actual numbers!

and kid commissar lives! maybe not to ride again, but he lives…!

infact the gratuitous death here probably emphasizes how just no-nonsense brutal i kinda meant matt's chapters to be, although now it's more possible because shikome is quite capable and even more lacking in human qualities

...that and she's descended from the tree of life stealing death and doom so y'know KINDA COMES WITH THE HERITAGE…

however, with great power comes great responsibility l :3

aka LOTSA MORE PEOPLE WANNA FUCK YOUR SHIT UP

especially if you're a brutal killing machine but daz besides the point (or maybe it is the point)

book mecha was basically a plot bunny i went along with and it worked well enough even if there was no fight

saiketsu kikai was another thing i imagined the previous night; essentially the anti-thesis to shikome being death and nature. thus, she is LIFE and MACHINE

she's equipped with a ton 'a freakin'... HEALING and HOLY spells, along with some BOMB spells if only because shikome has an elemental weakness to bomb

she's also one of few beings that can perform REVIVAL SPELLS, and cast AUTO-LIFE on things…!

she heals indiscriminately, but will just throw random spells at stuff that beats her up enough

she's also got a LIMIT BREAK which we may ONE DAY SEE

as always, see you all next time!

CO-AUTHOR'S NOTE:

hoh

shikome, the single biggest thing i wanted to include in the story, has finally made her appearance

ive been thinking about how to properly handle her character, but i think i got it all covered now

the death and gore may seem over the top in this manner, but it is what it is pretty much. shikome is a brand new pretty strong youkai with an insatiable hunger in order to quickly grow in power. also my tendency to initiate pure violence was probably aided from recently beating Doom on nightmare. 50 damage imp fireballs with only around 100 health at any given time is not the greatest experience ever, but it does force you to glory kill literally everything to survive

that aside, i really just WANTED TO DO A LOT OF THINGS THIS TIME, with NEW LOLI MURDERER. in fact she's so brutal that i have to hold her back at times. im holdin a kill count for her just so i can see if we're overdoing it or not. currently its 7 humans and 1 youkai, all in a single chapter. its a good thing shes on my side since im like her caregiver, huh

also one molested loli. i may have had too much fun suggesting things for that. i wanted to do other things as well, but we just didn't have the pages for'em. im still satisfied with what was already done. there is actually a reason for the molestation, but for the moment just think it was for the hell of it

i did wanna do other things in the library, but BOOK GOLEM and PATCHOULI and freakin combat takes forever to do

so ya, shikome. my demonic loli mass murdering youkai can't be this cute

sometimes i wish this were like a freakin… manga or something with pictures to better portray the situations. fanfiction has a lot of baggage associated with it and even some obligations. although at the end of the day, no one really cares that much. the question is "is it interesting, yes or no" (you might end up annoying a few people in the process though)

wahaha, 17k word chapter over… whos gonna even READ THAT MUCH58923893


	74. Marisa Nukem: Master Spark Edition

(in which we get mana-blasted)

It's currently morning-midday, or so!

Right now, I'm just chillin' out, maxin' 'n' relaxin' all koo in the village square. The guards just got done with an assembly to go raid the Scarlet Devil Mansion, with only fifty dudes and some worthless support-looking people. Like… swordsmen and archers. Maybe this'll be a lesson to people to stop freakin' whacking the beehive that is the mansion.

It's a gorgeously sunny day, too. Although, I'm kinda itchin' for a snow storm now, since I'm ice and freeze-resistant and all. Can just putz about in the snow, maybe hug some yuki-onna, it'd be great, yo.

Earlier, I spent the evening at Sekibanki's and it was a'ight. She even let me have a few peppermints, yo…! We didn't do a whole lotta talkin' or anything, though, 'cause she just went to bed pretty promptly.

Oh, yeah, Matt's here with me, in the village square! As well as this blood-encrusted loli he found somewhere...

"I have business to attend to." Matt's gaze pans to the loli drenched in dried blood. "Very important business." Not with me for long, apparently!

...I look between the two 'a 'em, and make that 'okay' sign with my fingers. "A'right, son. I see how it is, yo." Freakin' murder party.

"Yeah, we're gonna fuck." He clarifies. "See ya."

"Wha-what? You overstep your bou-..." He caught the stoic doom loli off guard! Ho ho!

...She seems to take note of my chuckling, though!

She looks back and forth between us, as Matt starts walkin' away. The little lass gives me a stare 'a some sort as she meanders off after him…

...Yeah, purple cat eyes and a freakin' bloodstain-brown kimono. Cuddlemuffin of death, she is.

Lookin' away from them as they leave the square- apparently going after the horde of guards who're off to 'raid' the mansion- I take note 'a the people left…

Some villagers are still here, mostly 'cause this is the village square. Everyone kinda tuned the speech out when it became a 'we must march into the SDM and get raped by fairies' thing.

Keine, Byakuren, and Miko were all here for the assembly. They had like, speaker positions, but never got to speak. I think they got gypped.

Speakin' 'a those three, they're stepping down from the doofy wedding cake-esque platform structure now, lookin' rather bewildered that a mini war just started right in front of their eyes.

"...This is my fault." Keine instantly was frowny faces. "If I didn't let the school get burnt-"

"Speak nothing of it." Miko interrupted her, her expression soft. "You couldn't have anticipated that. It was unprecedented."

"I agree." Byakuren joined in comforting the teacher. "No one blames you for what happened."

"Bu-but…" Stepping back a bit, Keine seemed taken aback by the sudden support! "...Mmh." Letting out a consenting murmur, she looked away.

The three stand at the bottom of the step-like platforms in silence for a bit. I slowly begin to graze over towards them…

"Should we do anything?" Keine questioned, looking at the outgoing guard horde. "That's not going to end well."

Miko gave a slow shrug. "If anything, the monumental failure of this invasion should send the guard a message. This doesn't even seem to be the people's battle."

Bringing a hand to her chin, Byakuren considered this. "...Now that you mention it, I've been out of touch with the village's military infrastructure. For the longest time, I forgot it _had_ one until some… recent events transpired."

...Walking up to the women and saying nothing, I nodded enthusiastically, my racecar helmet's visor obscuring my face.

…

Keine looked away from me to glance at the other women. "See- _this_ is why I think we need an entire restructuring of the guard in general."

Byakuren eyed the kimono, half-recognizing it…

Miko smiled at me. "...As uncanny as he may appear, he doesn't seem to be a youkai."

I slid the visor on my racecar helmet up. "Hello, friends."

Byakuren just stared. "...I'm curious as to what you've done to the kimono. You seemed to have even doubled its effectiveness, somehow…" Yeah, thank Alice for that.

Keine sighed. "You know what we need?"

...Byakuren turned to her, bringing her hands together. "A new school?"

"That's already halfway completed." Keine stated. "I mean… some sort of artifact or spell that would allow us to detect youkai better. It seems pretty silly that we just… guess at the best of times."

...She looked over me. "It also doesn't help when a margin of the human population dresses like they've never so much as seen practical clothing."

Yo. One hundred percent ice resistance trumps the freakin' rags and shoddy guardsmen armor everyone's got 'round these parts. Not only that, but this stuff blends in with the woods! Disregarding the fact my helmet is like, neon yellow…

"Perhaps my temple could design something along those lines." Byakuren declared! "...Although, I would recommend something of that capability being used in moderation." To accent her point, she looked off in the direction the town guard regiment charged off in…

"Apparently." Keine's expression became dry.

"I'll see what I can do, too." Miko declared, herself! "If we don't have an artifact for it, our skillful magic practitioners should be able to easily forge one." Oo~h… 'skillful magic practitioners'.

"...My thanks." Keine smiled, giving the two women a nod.

...Wait- I was only half paying attention, what happened to the school? There was a school!? Oh- yeah, there _was_ a school. I visited it once to find Keine's office full of schizophrenic scribblings. I should ask her whether or not the guard's black magic was making her lose it, or if she just decided to slather the student's math homework over the walls.

"Have a good day, everyone." Miko turned, waving a hand at us as she stepped away.

"Likewise." Byakuren responded in kind. "Getting right to business?"

Slowing to a stop, Miko turned to her, grinning. "Undoubtedly. I figured such would be implicit."

"Just wondering." Byakuren smiled back at her.

...With that, Miko began to leave properly.

…

Byakuren glanced at Keine and me. "I'm afraid I have some business to attend to. I will see you all later."

Keine stared at her with dry amusement. "I see. Don't work too hard."

Byakuren's smile widened at that. "I should be saying that to you. Take care."

With that, Byakuren left, too…

…

When they were both gone, Keine spoke idly. "I'm not sure who I'd rather owe a favor to."

"They seem cuddly." I gave my two cents!

"...Right." Keine decided to look me over again. "What do you do in your spare time, anyway? I don't mean to pry."

"I snuggle with the local yuki-onna." I informed her. "They're soft, and cold to the touch."

...She blinked. "But… you're human. That's dangerous, isn't it?"

I shake my head. "Not if you wear protection, yo."

Instantly, she jerked her head back, letting her eyes widen. "Oh- _oh._ You mean- _oh._ That… still doesn't make sense. Actually, it makes _less_ sense..."

Patting my kimono, I smiled! "One hundred percent ice resistance, yo."

...Keine connects the dots! "Oo~h. Clever. How did you even come across something so enchanted?"

"I had Alice make me this, yo." I turned a little, showin' it off! "It's friendly."

"I see…" Nodding, Keine gave more inquiries! "How much did it cost you?"

"Twenty thousand yen." I smiled, regardless of how generous or insane the price mighta sounded…

" _Only?_ " Keine blinked in amazement! "Perhaps I really should think about visiting her. Resistances for a price that low…" After giving it a few moments of thought, and glancing away, she looks back at me. "Are you her boyfriend?"

Aha. "Yes. No."

...Her expression turned dry. "You can only pick one."

"...No." I settled for no. "She kinda just didn't expect me to have that much money, 'cause I'm usually broke as shit."

"Oh." Keine snorted. "Seems you got lucky, then."

"Mmm…" I nodded idly, the conversation dying down…

…

As the village square's bustle turned back to normal due to the absence of the guard assembly, a friend lazily drifted past us…

Keine and I watched Marisa slowly hover by us, her limbs dangling off her broom as she drifted aimlessly…

"Hi, friend." I greet her. "Welcome to die."

...Awkwardly, Marisa tries to reposition herself- "Aah… damn." Thud. She slowly slid off the side of her broom, landing on the dirt floor of the square. "Oof…"

"How are you, Marisa?" Keine stared down at the poofy-hatted magician. "Reimu got you scouring the village for serial murderers again today?"

Marisa quickly sprung up off the floor, one hand on her hat. "Ee~h, kinda sorta. That, and one 'a my aunts got offed, so that kinda pissed me off. Not a lotta good I think buzzin' around like bees will do us, but I'm bored anyway…"

Keine blinked. "One of your aunts…? Who?"

"Sally, yeah?" Marisa gave a half-smile. "Yea~h, she was one of the dudes who got shanked. I dunno what Maria's doin' right now, but she's livin' with her old folks."

"That's terrible…" Keine looked down. "Are you okay?"

"...Well, _yeah_." Scratching the back of her head, Marisa continued. "I didn't know her or Maria all that well, so it's no real skin off my bones... but y'just don't _do_ that, y'know? Especially ta one of my not-so immediate family, ze!"

...Keine gave her a stare, before shakin' her head. "Alright."

Marisa looked over at me- "Ho~ly _shit_ what're you wearing?" She began grinning!

"It's a camou-kimono, dude!" I gestured to my clothing for emphasis! "And this is my trusty anti-freeze and anti-harsh lights helmet!"

"Where does this stuff even _come_ from?" Marisa took some steps around me, examining my attire… "First you become male Kaguya, and now you've got this… army… helmet-person thing on." I'm surprised she knows camo's an army thing.

"Alice actually made him that kimono for twenty thousand yen." Keine explained some stuff for me.

...Marisa immediately got in my face. "So~, the _hell_ ya use to threaten Alice, ze…?"

Why~ does she have such a trust problem with me!? "Son- no. Why must this be your first assumption."

"'Cause…" She looks away. "Y'know what, forget it. Just a little jumpy's all… and I'm kinda itchin' for a fight."

"You're not fighting in here." Keine immediately rebukes. "Unless you want it to be with me."

...Marisa grins at her. "We~ll, I _could_ … but nah. I've whacked ya around enough."

Keine just slouches. "That shouldn't be the reason you refrain from starting fights…"

...Looking over at me, Marisa makes a request! "Wanna go explore 'n' stuff? I wanna see how your magic's progressed, since yeah."

Keine smiled! "Ooh? He practices magic? I didn't take him for a math-oriented individual…"

Marisa snorted. "Aw, yeah! I taught him all he needs to know!" Son…! She turns to me! "Tell 'er, Brad!"

...I look over at Keine. "Y'know what math equations do, son?"

Keine furrows her brows. "...What?"

"They kill each other!" I reveal! "Aah!"

Marisa liked that one! "Hehehe… alright, follow me, ze. We'll be takin' the path over that way." She pointed ahead down one of the main village roads. Oo~h, that's the one Akihito had us take to find his wife that one time!

As she began to move forward- drifting with her broom- I followed her…

Taking a glance back, I waved at Keine. "Don't let the math equations get you, yo!"

"I'll… try." Keine looks offput by my incapability with math!

With that, I followed Marisa off to the south gate!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Your clothes are magical as fuck, ze." Marisa immediately speaks of my clothes when we get outta the village gate. "Makes sense 'cause Alice made 'em. I don't remember her makin' many helmets before, though…"

"I bought this helmet from Miko, yo." I told 'er. "Sun-resistant."

...Marisa just glances at me. "Sun-resistant? Really?"

"Hey, yo. It's a freakin' _sport helmet!_ " I argue! "I can headbutt with the best of 'em now!"

"...Now I really wanna see Keine try ta headbutt ya with that on." Marisa admitted, lookin' over my helmet. "Oh, well."

Ho ho. That'd be fun.

"So, what new spells ya pick up on?" Marisa drifts back to float by my side as we progress down the whatever-direction-this-even-is path. If the direction of the village I always entered from was east- the Hakurei path's gate- this was the west gate…

"Da~h…" Well, I got new _hangers_ , if that counts. "Do one hundred percent ice-resistant clothes count?"

"No." Marisa smirks. "C'mo~n. Better fireball spell? Star shower? Danmaku patterns?"

I shake my head. "We~ll… I got more hangers!"

…

"Good. What- you gonna shove 'em up my ass?" Marisa gave me a dry stare. "If I flew back a hundred feet and nailed ya with a Master Spark, what'd you try to do to stop me?"

Aw, time to strategize…! "Sit and cry."

…

At her continued dry stare, I elaborate! "Maybe cast a Shine on ya, or Gaia Seed, or-"

"I thought 'cha said you didn't have any new spells!" She furrowed her brows. "Freakin'- it's one or the other, ze! No 'uu~h, maybe'!"

"Those're _hanger abilities,_ though!" I clarify! "Not stuff I actually learned!"

"How do you even cast them if-..." Marisa just sighs. "Y'know what, whatever- I'm gonna try to teach ya _somethin'_ right today." Ooo~...!

As we meander down the path, Marisa eventually takes a turn towards the woods. "Let's try shootin' stuff up over here, ze…"

I follow the gently floating magician deeper into the forest.

…

Fwoash!

A loud sound in the distance makes her begin to slow down… "Someone shootin' lasers? This I gotta see…"

It's kind of a familiar sound to me, though… but I can't put my finger on it.

"Oh, yeah." She glances at me over her shoulder. "If ya wanna pussy out and stay back from the lasers, you can. Can't fly and everything, and it'd suck if I had ta drag yer danmaku-ridden body back ta the village."

"Yeah, yeah." I wave off her concern. I can at least get close enough to see them before I nope the fuck out.

Fwoash!

I know that sound's definitely a laser, of some kind.

…

We press through the woods for a bit-

FWOASH

Yep. Viking monoliths are still here.

A huge, pastel blue beam of ice magic blew through brush that was about twenty feet away from us.

"Woaa~h!" Marisa's jaw drops! "Big laser…!"

...In its wake, much of the brush it plowed through was left icy.

…

After taking a moment to process what just happened, she turned to me. "Yo- hey, were you kiddin' about that ice resistance!?"

I shake my head. "One hu~ndred percent!"

Drifting to the side, she throws an arm forward! "Whaddaya waitin' fer, then? Get up there and tank for me! No goin' back now!"

Running forward, I barrel through the brush towards the viking monoliths!

...Very quickly, I end up sliding around on ice. Ho~ly…

The entire clearing, small pond included, was like, frozen solid. Youkai, fairies, and other such creatures were frozen in blocks of ice next to and just in front of the clearing trees…

Ah- shit!

"Oof…" I slipped and fell on my _ass_. This kinda su-

FWOASH

...I blink, my eyes readjusting after I was gently pushed across the ice by one of the monolith's ice sparks. Those lasers are _bright_ when you're, like, _right_ in them.

Fwoa-Fwoah… The rightmost monolith generated another snowflake-shaped magical circle. Pale blue swords generated in a revolving ring before it, slowly expanding before dissipating. With that, magic flared up under the monoliths, their attack stats probably getting buffed to hell or something…

Fwoa-Fwoah. The leftmost monolith created a snowflake circle before itself, too-

Krack- krack! Kra-krack! Krack!

Icicles generated in the air around me, popping, cracking, and clinking as they spread some kinda cold energy around…

I just kinda sit there and get spun around by the purely magical icicles. Marisa, what the hell're you planning? I'm getting gently molested over hea!

Looking up in search 'a the witch, I see her positioning herself in the air well over the clearing...

"Magic Waste!" I hear her yell out a spell card! "Deep Ecological Bomb!"

...Thunk! A large, plastic bottle descends from above, and bounces before the rightmost monolith.

Fwoa-woah. The same monolith created another fancy snowflake circle, which soon dissipated with no immediate results.

Fwoa-woah. This process repeated itself with the left one.

The bottle Marisa placed was starting to glow…!

Thu-thu-thunk. Marisa dropped a bunch of smaller plastic bottles from above, the grey canteens bouncing a little away from the monolith and the larger one-

BOOM

A quaint, blue mushroom cloud erupted where the right monolith was-

Fwam! Fwam, fwam! ...I called the previous explosion quaint, but it was more like house-sized. _These_ are like, person-sized. The three canteens Marisa dropped exploded into bright, stationary orbs of non-elemental energy.

...When the magical energy faded- surprisingly little smoke left behind- the monolith was still standing, thin cracks running along its sides.

...Marisa adjusts herself in the air a little-

FWOASH- FWOASH

I am engulfed by two beams of hyper ice magic! Huwoaa~h- yeah I'm just kinda feeling the breeze from the beams. Shutting your eyes doesn't help with the light, though…!

Wait, I'm stupid.

I slide the visor on my racecar helmet down.

...Well, that's the light problem solved. Not that I can do anything on these like, ten layers of ice under me. Ice immunity does not include slip immunity, unfortunately.

"Magic Waste! Deep Ecological Bomb!" Marisa literally just used the same spell again.

Thu-thunk! Another bomb bounced to a stop on the floor before the right monolith.

Fwoa-woah- Fwoa-woah. The monoliths both casted something at the same time, generating a snowflake-styled magical circle before each other.

Kri- _krack!_ A snowflake generates magically at my torso, and begins spinning. Nothing much happens as a result…

Woo~sh. A miniature snowstorm appeared over my body…!

...It faded a few moments later, although I was now covered in a thick coating of snow. Gee, thanks.

Thu-thu-thunk! Thu-thunk! Marisa dropped like, five additional mini-bombs onto the rightmost monolith this time…

BOOM

Another house-sized mushroom cloud enveloped the monolith-

Fwam-fwam-fwam! Fwam, fwam! The super asskicking magical stone was enveloped by a buncha bright orbs!

 _Kroo~m_ …

...When the light faded, I got to see the results.

The monolith was now in three pieces, each slab of stone seemingly evenly cut.

Fwoa-woah. The remaining monolith generated a magical circle that did nothing, meaning it probably charged up its ice beam of doom.

...Marisa quickly descended from above, picking up speed as she did so. "Alri~ght! One do-"

FWOASH

The beam somehow pointed up at an awkward angle from the monolith, aimed at Marisa.

"Woa~h!" She spiraled out of the way! "Holy _shit_ that's fast!"

As she lowered, she pulled out her trusty octagonal firearm, and aimed it back down…

"Love Sign…" Her own laser was about to come into play! "Master Spark!"

VRRRRR~

The huge, rainbow-colored laser of love completely engulfed the monolith below. The light was so bright that, even though it was midday, the entire clearing was illuminated with fruity colors. Jesus, this makes the doom laser the monoliths fired look like freakin'... small arms.

RRRRrrrr~...

...As the beam faded out-

Fwoa-woah. The monolith was _still_ standing, and it was still castin' shit! Woah!

...A jagged chunk of ice slowly fell behind Marisa, missing her by a good five seconds.

She looked back at it, and then down at the monolith. "He~y, now… now ya gone and did it!"

Aiming her mini-hakkero at it again, she readied to recast her freakin' doom beam. "Love Si~gn…!"

Fwoa-woah. The monolith quickly readied its own laser!

"Master Spa~rk!"

VRRRRRRR~

FWOASH

My _ea~rs_. They blee~d. This is the one time I wish my helmet muffled noise…

You know, the one thing really deadly about Marisa's Master Spark is that, despite it being danmaku-based primarily… it's _non-elemental_. I couldn't stack resistances against that shit if I had all the money in the world, short of building like an adamantite wall between me or her, or locking myself under like a few hundred feet of dirt and rock.

In any case, it looks like Marisa's laser enveloped the monolith's- oo~h! No, it didn't actually! However, it seems as though Marisa drifted to the left a bit as she fired, the monolith's beam not actually connecting with her despite cutting through her laser. That's the perk of firing a really wide beam, I guess...

RRRRRRrrrr~...

...When the beam's light faded, the results were clear again!

The monolith- was still standing, Jesus Christ. It was largely cracked now, and crackling with danmaku energy.

"Holy crap…" Marisa was impressed, too! "Just break already, ya stupid rock! Sparks're _my_ thing!"

Fwoa-woah. The monolith casted that one magical circle with the revolving sword pattern again, strengthening its offensive capabilities. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what it does. Not that it matters, considering Marisa's playing hard to get up there, and I can just eat everything.

"What're you, ice elemental?" Marisa furrowed her brows at it, lowering a little further. "Let's see how ya like this!"

Please don't try to burn the rock or something, Marisa.

"Magic Cross! Grand Cross!"

Four blackish purple spheres generated in the air around Marisa. As she lowered, translucent beams of light shone out from her form in a basic plus shape-

Chi-Fwam! Also, lots of red bullets! Freakin', thick ones, stream-like ones, the works!

Chi-Fwam! Chi-Fwam! Chi-Fwam! Circling in the air over the monolith, she let a good portion of her seemingly fire-based bullets pelt it…

When I looked closer, I realized all the bullets with flaming trails were being produced by the purple orbs she made, whereas the solid, thick walls of tinier red bullets were coming from her herself.

Also- freakin' danmaku!

Scrambling to get out of the way, I reach into my bag and take out freakin'... half of Tundra Bloomer, and begin using it like a oar to paddle myself across the ice…

Ow- ow- dammit Marisa- that danmaku _hurts!_ Shit! Fire _sucks!_ Aaa~h! Paddle faster- paddle faster…!

I end up in some shimmering, half frozen bushes a good distance down the clearing. Thankfully, the flaming bullets don't seem to actually burn any of the foliage they hit, so I'm safe…

...However, I am now like, overheated. Overheated while sliding on ice in the middle of winter, yeah. Gensokyo's freakin' weird!

 _Kroo~m…_

Eventually, the monolith fell because Marisa bashed it with one of the purple orbs, noticing her danmaku itself wasn't doing anything. The orb shattered and dissipated, although since it somehow cleaved the monolith into three even parts, Marisa-

"Woohoohoo~!" She raised an arm in celebration! "Magic rocks ain't got anything on me, ze!"

-yeah, she didn't really care now that the battle was over.

Her danmaku dissipated, thank frik. No more fire shit.

...The fire danmaku seems to have melted a large sum of the ice, too, and the tiny pond was now semi-thawed.

Stumbling out of the woods- getting my balance back now that the ice was kinda slushy- I march towards Marisa with wet shoes…

She's trying to lift one of the monolith rocks, and failing. "Ho~ly… dude, these things weigh… a hundred pounds…!"

Sploosh. Her pulling from the side of the broom eventually causes her to exert enough force to push her broom into the slush.

" _Eeh!_ " She yelps, leaping out of the ice cold water and onto her feet- which were also gonna end up in ice water.

Splash! She was now submerged up to her ankles.

"Damn…" She grimaces at the sensation. "Alright, I think I hate ice elemental rocks now."

I eventually reach her! The slush in my shoes is uncomfortable, but excusable 'cause of my ice resistance. I have no idea how Marisa's standing it, though.

...Immediately after considering that, she starts fidgeting. Her broom raises out of the water behind herself, and she sits on it again. "...You try lifting one 'a the stones. I betcha you can't."

"You're probably not wrong…" I agree with her! Positioning myself around the smallest one, I crouch down into the freakin' slush, and begin lifting…

...Wow. I'm… budging it ever so slightly. I mean, Marisa was too, so this isn't progress.

...Pushing Tundra Bloomer back into my bag fully, I take a brief moment to buff myself up. Ho ho~!

Alright. Take two!

"See?" Marisa took my initial failure as an opportunity to mock me! "Toldja~."

I wrap my arms around the sides of the smallest portion of the monolith again, and li~ft…

"Hnn~gh…!"

I-I… I'm…

...Not doing it! I'm like half lifting it, though…!

"Oh, shit." Marisa blinks. "Y'know what I just realized?"

"Wh-what…!?" Trying to focus on lifting heavy rock right now! Am-... am I sinking deeper into the floor? I'm exerting more pressure on the slush beneath myself than I am this freakin' magical paperweight…!

Then, the stone floats out of my hands entirely, becoming engulfed in a telekinetic aura.

…

I look over at Marisa, and just fold my arms. Good time to remember you could do that.

"Hehehe~..." She chuckles. "Too used to doing things the old fashioned way. Wait- shit…"

Splash! The stone falls back into the ice water, splashing me.

Reaching into her hat, she dug around, until she pulled out a clear jar with blue liquid inside…

"Here…" Taking the mana potion, she unpopped the cork, reeled her head back, and chugged it. "Mmgh…"

...I watched her chug the mana potion for a good thirty seconds, before the tiny jar was done and dusted.

"Haa~h…" She exhaled after downing it. "...Pftoo~." She also spat out some of her saliva into the slush. "The~re we go. Those mana bombs eat a lotta mana, y'know?"

Holding her hand out, the stone lifts again, water surging to fill the place where it sat…

"Cool!" With that, she slowly begins drifting off. "Let's get outta this soggy hellhole."

"Yea~h…" I take one last glance at the freakin' demolished clearing. I wonder when all the frozen youkai and fairies will thaw out… this place is like a recreation of the ice age!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The side fields around the village are kinda curious places. Really pristine, although in a few places there's some curious looking caves and structure-like things. Even so, we didn't get bothered like, at all.

"...It's a bit quiet, innit?" I comment on how freakin' quiet it's been.

She gives me a glance before focusing on the trees ahead. "Aa~h, most youkai know not to bother me by now. At least, the smart ones, which're like… some 'a the stronger ones… actually, every level 'a power has some stupid youkai. Just less so the higher the power we're talkin' is."

Yeah, that makes sense. Particularly 'cause they're more docile, like Yuuka. She usually won't killgore you without provocation… which can include stepping on flowers, but y'know…

"Although, it _is_ a little quieter than usual." Marisa agreed, glancing around as she drove her broom… "I guess all those frozen youkai mighta lived around here."

That could be it. Hmm...

...As we moved through the midday plains and mixed forestry, we began to near the magical forest's rim. Those freakin' unnaturally big trees, yo.

…

"Can you like…" Marisa dryly looked over at me. "Don'cha got _something_ for speed?"

I nodded. "Only when I'm freakin' crippled, yo."

…

Marisa slowly turns around in the air, and aims her mini-hakkero at me. "One 'a those urgency haste spells, huh?"

"Son, no." I backed up a little…! "It's for emergencies, son- don't do this, son…!"

"Boredom _is_ an emergency!" Marisa argued, grinning. "Start dancin'!"

…

After a few moments of just staring at eachother, she created two translucent green orbs at her sides, their forms blurry…

In their midst, two green rocket-shaped bullets appeared. _O~h_.

Quickly, I reach into my bag, turn around, and begin running in the vague direction of the magic woods…!

The green rockets slowly accelerate forward towards where my feet were.

Making little noise- 'cept for some quiet wooshes and ticking sounds- they collided with the grass and made visible blasts of magical energy where they landed.

Pulling out Million Bucks- and receiving pretty much no speed 'cause I felt pretty good- I keep booking it towards the woods! "Could you _not_ mow me down with rockets!?"

"Would ya prefer lasers!?" Marisa yelled as she slowly followed behind me. Literally every half-second she'd make two more rockets, and quickly send them accelerating after me. Their person-wide blast radius was freakin' terrifying but not overwhelmingly difficult to evade by zigzagging…

Until Marisa bothered to aim, that is. As I dashed to the right, a rocket hit me right in the back-

 _Tick!_ Despite the disproportionately weak sounding noise, the blast actually flings me! I'm sent sliding forward, before falling forward onto my face-

Except! I.. glide forward and onto my stomach anyway, except softly this time. My plan was to double jump, but I forgot this hanger replaces my double jump with a glide. This works, too.

"Pfft…?" Marisa grins at me as I get back up. "The hell was that? Oh- are you learnin' to fly!?"

...As I stand, I look at her dryly. "No~pe. This hanger just lets me glide instead 'a double jump."

...Marisa just nods idly. "Good. Sounds like a real upgrade. How about a hanger that makes ya strafe everywhere while yer at it?"

Y'know, in some retro FPS games, strafe-walking is faster than walking. It'd be cool if it made you strafe and made you faster when strafing. Feel like a real FPS hero!

"That'd actually be cool." I rebuke Marisa's jeer with reception! "It'd have to make my strafing faster than just walkin' normally, though."

We are now entering the edge of the forest of magic! The sky's already dimming unnaturally, as per the forest's biome nonsense… it must be something in the leaves.

Still moving forward, Marisa grins at me. "Whatever floats yer boat. I can't see how strafe- well… _okay_ , strafing and moving helps, but only in air combat, I'd think." She tilts her head back 'n' forth in compromise.

She seems to have forgotten to shoot me repeatedly, probably because conversation. Not complainin', yo, just observin'...

As we continue forward, we pass a particularly brilliant red plant, with vibrant, thick leaves. It's not a rafflesia, it's more like a really thick… flower thing. The petals have a weird texture to them.

...I keep a distance from the unique flower. Something that weird's _gotta_ be bad news! Especially in the forest of youkai, magic, and untold peril.

Marisa snorted at my action. "...What, you scared of an alraune?"

Alraune? That's a plant monster, innit?

...Ho~h, shit, I was right! The weird plant's a _youkai!_ What still has to be determined is whether it's friend or foe… although in the wilds of Gensokyo it's better to eeb on the side of caution.

I'll ask Marisa anyway! "Are they friendly?"

"Nope." She replies bluntly. "Well- sometimes, but only if you give 'em snacks or grow 'em yourself. Otherwise, _yer_ the snack!"

We pass by it pretty readily without it doing anything…

"How mean are they?" I'd like to know for future reference! Despite all my climbs into this forest, I've never seen one. Probably 'cause I never stray from the like, small section of forest Marisa and Alice occupy.

"Sometimes they're quiet." Marisa nods. "Sometimes they're annoying. Sometimes-"

Loud, wet noises come from behind us. Aw, it's a friend, dude…

From the previously closed middle section of the flower, a particularly young-looking, green-skinned girl raises out of some red, gel-like substance in the middle. "Hehehaha~!"

"Yeah, 'hahaha' yourself." Marisa aims her mini-hakkero at her immediately. "Choose yer fate, ze."

The plant-like girl had large, crescent-shaped leaves for arms, her legs stretching somewhere into the flower's inner pod…

She had a kinda generic bobby haircut with pink hair, and was freakin'... broad as the plains, yo. Pretty clearly not a seduction creature!

"Oo~h, _human_ …" The alraune drawled. "Two of you, in fact. Mmm…"

"Y'gonna use danmaku today?" Marisa asked plainly. "Or are ya one of those types who just throws her stuff at people and expects it to actually hit?"

"I admit your balance on that broom… is impressive." The alraune shifts about, grinning widely. "But I can tell, it is precarious."

Marisa stares back dryly. "Yeah, hangin' onto the edge 'a my seat, here."

The alraune dips the edge of one of her leaves into the red gel she's sitting in. "You see, my gel-"

"Burns skin, dissolves stuff, yap yap yap." Marisa cuts her off. "Stopped being intimidating after the twenty zillionth-"

Drifting to the side, Marisa easily moved out of the way of a glob of red gel.

Splat! It hit the tree behind her-

Sss~... the bark sizzled as the gel flowed down it, before quickly drying and hardening into a orange substance. Looks healthy, yeah.

The transparent orbs at Marisa's sides flared up again, and she shot two waves of two rockets at the alraune, four total colliding with her flower-

Ti-tick! Ti-tick!

"Nhga~h…" Groaning, the alraune bared her teeth. Why does a plant need basic human-like teeth?

Snapping sounds began creaking out from the alraune, as Marisa idly drifted to the side…

Snap! Snap!

...The red petals of the large flower began to shift, as the plant itself seemed to deroot from the base before it cleanly.

Marisa blinks! "Oo~h! You're one of them new breeds of the red kind I heard about!"

Once the flower slides off of the base- which seemed to be just a stem and some leaves that came from the ground, and not the red flower itself- the petals connect with the floor like little legs.

"Be afraid!" The alraune directly requests. Well, that's one way to put it…!

Marisa begins generating more rockets, creating freakin', eight more within two seconds-

The alraune leaps, getting surprising air with her tiny petal legs. Soaring over Marisa, her flower seemed to drip red goo.

Marisa air-strafed to the side, aiming her rockets up at the alraune as she examined the air gained. "Wo~w!"

Landing, the alraune's already facing Marisa's new position, tossing another glob of red gel. " _Here!_ "

Marisa slightly drifts out of the way, letting the glob miss her by a smaller margin than it coulda just 'cause.

In this timeframe, Marisa already sent like, twelve rockets- and counting- at the alraune.

Ti-tick! Ti-tick! Ti-tick! Ti-tick! Ti-tick! Ti- holy shit, yeah. The reason why it's two at a time is 'cause she sends 'em out two at a time.

" _Eaa~h!_ " Overwhelmed by the danmaku energy, the alraune collapses onto her flower's petals, and the flower itself just plops into the ground.

...Drifting up to her, Marisa took an empty bottle from her hat, and carefully leaned close to the flower.

Bloop. The bottle skimmed the surface of her red gel, collecting some of it.

"Tha~nk you!" Marisa thanked the stunlocked alraune, and popped a cork into the top of the bottle.

"Nh-anh…" The alraune quivered, her face furious but her body unresponsive.

With that, Marisa began drifting away again, at first quickly, but slows down once she realizes I still exist. "C'mo~n."

"My legs can only move so fast…!" I move to keep up with her!

"We're gonna get jumped by like ten youkai 'cause yer so freakin' slow." Marisa rails on my lack of haste! "...Y'know, how _are_ you not dead yet?"

"I stay outta a lotta fights…!" I grin at her. "Except the ones I know- or at least _think_ \- I'll win."

...She tilts her head back 'n' forth. "Gotta do what'cha gotta do, I guess. That seems like a pitifully boring way to live, though."

"Not when yer tapdancin' it ain't…!" Trust me, it's anything _but_ boring on the bottom!

Marisa grins back. "Again, whatever floats yer boat. I can't imagine bein' _that_ weak. I mean, I remember what it was like, but visualizing it now's just weird." Daily reminder that Marisa climbed the power ladder manually!

We continue through the magic brush- yo woah…! Freakin'- these roots are out to maul me, yo. Marisa probably didn't take this path with much foot travel in mind…!

"Hey, hey!" Another young-looking red alraune creeps out of the nearby brush! "Hehehe~!"

A blue-styled spider girl spins down from the canopy above! "Oo~h? What do we have-"

Marisa stops floating forward towards her, and does a ninety-degree strafe almost immediately after. From there, she just spams green rockets again.

The spider girl's eyes widen, and she lowers quicker. "Hu- _huma-_ "

Ti-tick! Ti-tick! Ti-tick! Ti-tick! Ti-tick!

Thud. "Auu~h…" The spider girl fell from her web, lying on the forest floor on her back, her legs curled up. "Ow- ow- ow…"

Marisa proceeds to fly over the fallen spider girl-

Splat! One of the trees around her gets hit with red goo from the alraune.

"Ghh…" Grimacing, the alraune's eyes begin to glow! "This is _it_ , human!"

As Marisa reaches into her hat, the alraune lifts a glowing glob of goo from her red gel center, and lobs it forward-

Fwoom! It flares up with red energy as it hurtles towards the magician. At first, it seems like Marisa has no intent of dodging it.

Then, Marisa rotates her broom upside down, allowing her to completely avoid the clump of goo-

Fwam! It hit a tree's bark, and exploded. Hoh! A scorch mark was left behind on the bark.

Marisa's hat drifts off 'cause 'a gravity- being upside-down and all- revealing her hand to be holding one of the small canteen bombs from earlier. Rotating herself rightside up, she drifts towards the alraune…

Skittering towards the magician, the alraune bares her crescent leaf arms! "Hehehaha~! Yes- come here! Come here!"

Promptly, Marisa spawns a couple rocket salvos as she nears-

Ti-tick! Ti-tick!

"Gah…!?" Staggering back from their impact, the youkai shielded herself with her leaf arms. "Foolish…!"

Getting within' freakin' whacking distance of the alraune-

 _Clonk!_ Marisa just up and rams the youkai's head with her broom.

"Gngh!?" Reeling back, the alraune stumbled further-

As Marisa drifted over her, she tossed the canteen bomb backwards, almost leisurely. She _did_ have to look behind to make the toss, though.

Bloop! It fell into the alraune's gel.

"Nn~h…" Wiping her mouth with her right leaf, the alraune began to recover. "...How pointle-"

 _Fwa-fwa-fwam!_ The alraune was engulfed in a lasting orb of pale blue energy, the danmaku energy hitting her repeatedly.

" _Aau~gh!_ "

...Thud. The alraune collapsed like the other one we saw, splaying out over one of her own petals. This time, her sides and petals were also spattered with some of her own gel.

"Hahaha~!" Marisa got a kick out of her handy work. "That one's always _great._ "

...I will say that it is fortunate that all the youkai recognize Marisa as the greater threat. I could probably take the alraunes with my fire hanger, but not without actually hurting them. That goo seems like it would suck ass, too.

Marisa goes back to retrieve her hat from the forest floor. "See, ze? I coulda just skipped those mooks if I didn't hafta cover for ya!"

"Well ya had to, so ya did." I counter her prodding with reality, yo. "Freakin' nuggets."

Once she obtains her hat, Marisa continues to drift off. Oh, yeah- that monolith part's been with her the whole time, but she's been keeping it behind her back during fights. She probably wants it as pristine as possible, yo.

...Freakin'- "Slow down!" I call out after Marisa as she speeds ahead! "Some of us gotta use our _legs_ , ya freakin'...!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We make it to Marisa's shack without too much further trouble! It's still partially made out of ice, too!... I say not too much further trouble, but Marisa wasn't wrong about the whole 'ten youkai' thing. Only one targeted me, and it was some spider girl… it was a short story. Marisa's like the freakin' Touhou equivalent of Duke Nukem.

The sun's setting, meaning we've been out in the freakin' woods all day, pretty much.

"He~re we go…" Marisa flies up to her porch, hops off her broom, flicks the knob and pushes the door open. Moving inside, she has the monolith part float in behind her.

The ice just reminded me- I gotta get that icicle from Ganken's cave enchanted! Aa~h!

"Yo- you remember that ice enchanting spell?" I call out after Marisa as I follow her in...

"Yea~h." She calls back. "I wrote it down somewhere, but I also memorized it. Why, ya need somethin' to not melt so fast?"

Reaching into my bag, I take out the magic icicle. "Yeah, this."

"Alri~ght…" Staring intently at it, Marisa focused for a brief moment… before swiping her hand across it. The icicle flashed brightly, only for half a second. "There ya go."

Yo ho ho. I pocket the icicle. "Thanks, friend."

...Marisa slowly lowers the monolith fragment to the floor. After she gets it low enough, she lets it drop-

Crack! It falls through the wood floor, embedding itself in the soil beneath the house.

"Why." Marisa vainly stares at the hole. "A rock so small has no right to be so heavy."

…

"I can't seem to detect magic from it anymore…" Marisa furrows her brows and reaches down to touch the stone-

Fwoa-woah. The rock flickers unnaturally, causing her to retract her hand. "Woah- shit…"

...Despite her tensing up, nothing happens as a result of it flickering and flaring up.

"...Did it just use the _ambient_ mana to do that?" Marisa stared at the hole in the floor with wonder. "Also- yeah holy shit that thing's got more mana than I do right now. Wow."

Floating the stone up out of the floor, she moves for the door again. "Gonna have to look at it outside, incase it explodes or something. That, and it falls through all my stuff."

As such, we relocate outside to look at the cleanly cut monolith fragment! Well, cleanly cut from _one_ side.

Thunk! Dirt is kicked up once Marisa drops it from six feet.

"Alright…" Marisa circles and looms over the stone. "You know what the hell those rocks were?"

"Viking monoliths." I nod in satisfaction. "Ancient asskicking tributes to viking culture."

...Marisa stares at me dryly. "I don't remember them firing huge ice lasers, ze."

I spread my arms out. "Therefore, Gensokyo!"

…

Rolling her eyes, Marisa nods. "Point. So~..." Crouching next to the rock, Marisa takes a nearby stick and starts poking it. "Do they just do ice stuff?"

"Nah, they primarily cast fire spells, today was just opposite day." I explain to her.

"...If that was actually a thing, I'd wish it happened to more people." Marisa smirks at the stone. "Although, since I'm non-elemental, would my spells all become physical attacks?"

"Would hitting things be a magical attack?" I ponder, too!

Fwoa-woam. The monolith fragment flickers.

"...This _rock_ apparently thinks it's freakin' opposite day." Marisa stares down at it. "Wants to turn into pure mana and just fly away in the wind."

I give her a suggestion. "Splinter it into a million pieces and cast it to the wind."

"Okay." Marisa smoothly slips out her mini-hakkero. "Love Si~gn…!"

Wait, what!? "Son, no- I was jokin'!"

"Pffft…" She shook her head, lowering the octagonal weapon of mass destruction. "Hey, you suggested it, ze. You shouldn't have regrets in life!"

Y'freakin' wisenheimer!

…

She pokes the rock with her stick again. Then, she stands up and kicks it. "Enh."

You know what I just thought about? "Does your hat have hammerspace?"

"Yep." She replies bluntly. "It can drift like a hat, and hold a lotta stuff! Provided, it stores stuff in just like, a box under my house. I enchant all my backups, too. If it actually had the weight of the stuff I cram in it, I'd die. I also only let small stuff fit in it for a reason."

Huh. Good ta know… guess making custom hammerspace takes work. I wonder if my bag stores my crap somewhere in the mansion. Didn't Remilia used to have this bag, or something? What'd she even use it for?

"We~ll…" Marisa stretches! "Got any idea whatcha wanna learn? 'Cause I really dunno what to even do with you, you're just freakin'..." She pauses, as if finding a tactful word, before smirking. "Useless? Yeah." That was not at all a tactful word!

Hmm~...

"Any limits?" I question how much she's willing to teach me.

"Y'wanna learn differential equations involving mana allocation and basic geometrical mana control?" Marisa delivers this to me with a droll expression. "Ya get to draw _boxes_ with _formulas_."

...I fidget a bit. "Ahah- no."

"Thought not." Standing up, Marisa brought her arms behind her head. "Keep it simple, ze. If ya think too hard, ya might get a concussion."

Son.

...Let's see. I can cast Lucky Star- that one star attack that bounces and does non-elemental damage- and uh… not much else comes to mind! There's that wimpy fireball, but why would I use that when Flame Salvo's a freakin' flamethrower? I could also do that thing with the blocks… oo~h yeah! I could also summon crusty pillows! Yeheha~h!

Maybe a basic elemental spell would do me good, so that I wouldn't always need freakin'... the right kinda weapon equipped so I don't get curbstomped.

"Can you teach me how to make mana bombs?" Time to push my luck!

"Nope." Marisa shakes her head. "...Well, _yeah_ , but no."

Can I bait her into it? "I betcha _can't_ , yo."

She just rolls her eyes. "I like- _invented_ that trick. And it didn't work for me, either..."

...Well, then!

"Healing spell?" That'd be really helpful.

"Don't have any!" Marisa grins. "Potions for life! Healing spells are cheap, anyway."

Good. Yeah, they are kinda cheap aren't they…? I've yet to face many things that heal themselves, though. Man, thinking of a good spell is tough!

Next suggestion! "Ice magic?"

Marisa holds out her arms! "Dude- I'm a non-elemental mage! I mean- yeah, I know _some_ elemental spells, but… engh."

Alri~ght, yo. Sheesh. Someone doesn't like their elemental spells…!

"Laser beams." Since that's her specialty and all. "Can ya teach me ta shoot a freakin' laser beam?"

…

Marisa tilts back and forth a little. "I could _try_. Worst case scenario, you get another flashlight. Well-... yeah, that's pretty much worst case scenario."

...I'd like to know what she felt she needed to add for a moment. "'Well' what?"

"The actual worst case scenario would be like, generating the beam backwards and making it shoot inta yerself." Marisa grinned. "I'd know, on more than a few occasions."

Good.

"I'm startin' ya off with a danmaku beam, or else you'll just kill yerself." With that, Marisa began stepping back towards the house. "Don't expect anything amazin', though. Oh- how many bullets can ya make, by the way?"

Daa~h… from what I remember of danmaku, it was like, one stream maybe and that was it. "Some?"

We make our way back into the cozy house! The sun's almost well and set by now…

Marisa has a fireplace, apparently. Considering how much shit she's got lying around, that seems like a bad idea! It's a tiny one, though.

"Whaddaya mean 'some'?" Marisa bends over a pile of books in the darkness of the house, and begins sifting through them despite the freakin' pathetic lighting. "Shouldn't you be able to like…"

Marisa snaps her fingers, and a soft orb of light generates in the air above her. Ho ho!

"Shouldn't you be able to make some streams? Fairy-tier stuff?" Marisa guessed, before glancing up from the tome pile to look at me. "Reimu _did_ teach ya 'bout danmaku, right?"

I nod. "Yeah. I can shoot pitiful streams of blue bullets." Might not 'a been Reimu, though!

"Aa~h, right…" Marisa pauses.

...Then, she tugs on a book!

The pile shifts and multiple books slide out of place after Marisa tears a book from the depths. "He~re we are. Reference tome if we _need_ it…" Opening it to a random page, Marisa sets it back down on the pile, fumbling with it until it's secured. "Good."

I start generating blocks with an open hand, leaving me with a stack of blocks!

...Idly looking over at me, Marisa lunges forward and knocks the stack of blocks out of my hand. "Alright! Let's get started, ze!"

"Oh no." I stare at the blocks like they died.

"So, I want 'cha to~..." Looking around, Marisa furrowed her brows. Then, she raised a hand. "Shoot these things with danmaku."

I look behind myself. Some of the barren tables in her room had stacked up to form a tiny table fort.

"Oo~h." I observe the tables! "Table homicide."

"Yeah, screw 'em up." Marisa folded her arms. "I wanna see how inefficient yer danmaku casting is."

Alright, yo…

How did it go, again?

Raising my hand, I aim an open palm forward…

Pew, pew, pew! A salvo of blue bullets shoots out, one at a time. They make a small, slow spiral into the table fort, pattering into non-existence against a single spot on it.

…

That's it. I can't make anymore. My mana's not out, but nothing else generates. Provided, I never experimented much with it…

"Wow." Marisa held a hand to her chin, her other arm still around herself. "...Dude, who the hell taught you to shoot danmaku? It sure wasn't Reimu, unless she skimped on ya!"

...Oh! I remember! "Byakuren! She taught me, yo."

...Marisa slouched. "Ah. Byakuren. The girl known for her projectile attacks."

...She _does_ have a point.

"A'right, so…" Marisa steps up to me. "You're tryin'a like, pour mana into your hands and stuff and make burly bullets. Now that's great and all, and I'mma let 'cha finish with that... but that's not great, it actually sucks ass."

...Oh.

"Makin' powerful bullets is useless when _yer_ not powerful." Marisa provided! "You'd need a tool fer that, otherwise the pellets are just as useless as any other pellet for like quinzilliontuple the cost. Like this."

Reaching into her hat, Marisa took out what at first looked like the mini-hakkero, when it was actually just the octagonal exterior, with the glass panel that housed the device's core.

Aiming it at the tables, Marisa fired-

Pew, pew, pew!

Tiny, green bullets soared out like plasma bolts, thunking against the table. Each spot that was hit left scorch marks, accompanied by a faint sizzle. Geesh.

"I could like, one on one a wolf asshole with this." Marisa grinned at it as she put it away again. "Y'see? Anyway, what you need is to make a fuckton 'a bullets."

"I can't shoot anymore for some reason…" I wave my hand around, attempt to charge it with different amounts of mana, so forth, but freakin'... nothing.

Moving across the room, Marisa began rifling a desk's undershelf. "That's 'cause 'a the power you put inta the bullets earlier. Reimu's danmaku framework puts cooldowns on rambunctious people like us, ze. S'all about 'elegance'."

Oo~h! Elegance, yo!

"S'not a bad thing, though." Marisa pulled an already opened bag of crackers out of the desk. "Gotta learn some restraint to know how to break it! For someone like you, though, it might be hard for awhile until ya get used to smaller and smaller amounts."

Taking a cracker out, she munches on it.

...I just watch her. Now I want food…!

She continues despite not being done with it yet! "I say this because ya just fell into Gensokyo almost a month ago, so yer still like… not acclimated with magic and spell castin' at all. _Maybe_ your mana pool grew a little. I mean-" Marisa stops to swallow the cracker. "I mean I dunno what it's like on the outside, but _man_ , you ain't magic, ze."

Honh. About what I anticipated, but that feels weird after all this time. A month of just screwin' about…!

"When ya can fire again, try putting the least amount 'a magic into the bullets as possible." Marisa instructed me.

Least amount 'a magic, huh? I never really quantified my magic, I just kinda spread it around and hoped it did stuff… not that I can even see it or feel it most 'a the time!

...I gi~ve my hand a trickle. Just a trickle!

A blue bullet comes out, takes three seconds to drift like ten feet, and dies against the table fort.

"Mmm~." Marisa hums at the sight. "Waddaya think?"

"Slow, sad, and shame." I make another cuddly bullet…

Casting her crackers aside, Marisa walks back to the center of the room where I was despite only eating one cracker. "Yeah, well that's probably the amount of mana yer gonna have to get used to. If ya wanna shape the bullets and stuff, yer gonna hafta experiment and shape stuff, which is partially memory and preference. But also mana stuff."

...Holding out my hand, I make another noob bullet. Imagining a star as I do so, I begin to shape it…

I end up with like, a boomerang shaped thing. Releasing it, it moved at an awkward slant to the left. Ho ho!

"What I _can_ teach ya is beams and stuff! Kinda!" Marisa moves up to the reference tome on the pile of books, and adjusts it! "First, ya gotta imagine a beam shape, yeah."

I do it! Extending my arm with my palm facing outward, I generate a long yellow tube, which just falls to the ground and dies.

She smirks at my attempt. "But if ya wanna fire a laser instead 'a like, a cylinder or a really long bullet, ya gotta do some _magic_."

Magic? Aawh- I was hoping I could get through learning magic without the magic part, yo.

"There's a few ways 'a doin' it." Moving away from the book, Marisa stepped up next to me, holding up her regular mini-hakkero. "The first is to make a guideline thing. It's non-elemental and not actually danmaku, but you can use it to make a really long persistent beam thing. It's used in cooler beams and stuff but not always for the same reason."

To demonstrate, she points the mini-hakkero forward. A thin, white line appears pointing from the epicenter-

Chioo~m! A yellow beam generates along the entire line, flourishing outward all at once and through the table. As it retracts, the table it pierced doesn't show any immediate damage. It did have a glowing spot for a second after, though.

...I turn to her. "That line seems like it kinda gives away where the laser'll be though…!"

Marisa grins, relaxing her posture. "Yeah, s'kinda the point. Reimu's not a fan 'a instant bullshit, and those kinda beams can be kinda taxing anyway. 'Sides, if ya generate 'em fast enough, it won't make a difference!"

Hmm…

"Their point is basically area denial and stuff, and you can make 'em last stupid long times sometimes too, especially if it's just like, one, since that's practically useless." Aiming her mini-hakkero forward again, she held onto her firing arm with her free arm. "Now, I'ma show ya _my_ favorite kinda laser…!"

 _Fwoam!_ A yellow beam of identical width to the last one roared out from the mini-hakkero, expanding out from it directly like a bullet. Unlike the last one, however, it was louder-

Bam! The table fort was thrown apart by it, too!

...It was also over a lot quicker, quickly minimizing into a pinprick.

Relaxing again, Marisa stared at the small billow of smoke coming from her mini-hakkero. "These… expandin' lasers I guess, they're a lot more powerful. They also eat a lotta mana, but _man_ are they cool. You're probably not gonna be able to shoot a strong one in a million years."

Wait, you mean I'll be able to shoot an expanding one period? Hoh, sign me up!

"So~..." Aiming her mini-hakkero forward leisurely, Marisa made a yellow cylinder slide out of it and float outward. "...Actually, I'm not sure if _you_ can do an expanding beam with just yer hands. Y'see, you gotta like, apply this sorta power to make the magic ya generate gush out. The bullet's shape is mostly just to keep it from splashing out and engulfing yerself."

Now that ya say that, I _gotta_ do it, yo.

Aiming my own hand forward, I created a yellow cylinder like Marisa's. Envisioning it sliding out of my hand, I watched it happen.

...Unlike hers, it just kinda fell. Freakin'...!

Making another, I do so with slight more vigor! Once the cylinder's nearly all out, I jerk my hand forward. It shoots forward as it falls downward, like I punched a freakin' giant block.

"Alright, what the hell're you doing?" Marisa dryly stared at me, stepping back to the side of the room…

"Ho ho…" Not exactly respondin' to her, I make another cylinder! As it slides out, I make another one behind that one, and the two kinda overlap. Jerking my arm forward, it makes the cylinder that's almsot entirely out shoot outward, while the one still mostly in my hand doesn't move. Aw, dude…!

Continuously generating a single cylinder every second or so, I get a system where I punch my arm forward and launch a single yellow cylinder a second.

"What. No." Marisa shakes her head with faux dismay. "That's not a laser. That's not a laser at all, ze…!"

Hmm~... focusing, I start generating the cylinders every half second, and jerking my arm back and forth every half second. Were I not shooting cylinders, I'd probably look demented.

...I think I look demented anyway! "Wahaha!"

Shaking her head and grinning, Marisa began to meander towards the resource book… "Freakin'…"

...Aw, dude! I can make danmaku with _both_ hands!

Flailing both my arms windmill style, I chuck blocks high enough to pelt the ceiling repeatedly.

"As it turns _out_ ," Marisa interjects, thumbing through the tome. "That _ain't_ how ya make lasers!"

I eventually stop, and strut over to Marisa. "Hello, friend."

"So _basically_ …" Looking closer at the page, Marisa subtly pans her head around to skim it. "Well- one way of doing it is sorta like, making bullets inside 'a bullets."

Danmaku just keeps getting better and better!

Before she can go any further, I hold out a hand again and generated a yellow cylinder. It falls out of my hand and freakin' kills itself on the wood floor.

I turn to Marisa. "How do make not die do?"

She rolls her eyes. "Ya gotta exert mana to maintain danmaku, y'know. That's why if you beat the crap outta someone, their spell cards break. Doesn't happen so much with non-spells since they're so low maintenance, but y'catch my drift, right?"

Nodding, I look past her at the tome she's reading from. Freakin'... Japanese. "Yeah. Do I like, tag the projectiles or somethin'?"

She nods. Ooh! "Yeah- no." Oh. "It's another imaginary thing, which ya can thank Reimu for. You gotta kinda _will_ each bullet to do watcha want, and not just let 'em go off and do their own thing so much. Spell cards kinda help automate this with a structure and a bunch frameworkin' bullshit that I don't got the time or crayons to explain to ya, but yeah."

...I look down at my hand. Jesus, Danmaku is simultaneously a little clunky for what it's interpreted as, yet still a million times simpler than I thought it'd be going into it.

"This is why people do spreads and stuff for their non-spells, they're easy as shit to remember and make note 'a each bullet." Marisa closes the tome. "...This thing didn't help at all!" Taking the book, she tosses it into an adjacent book pile with a flick of her wrist.

"So~..." I start considering where to begin-

"Make a bullet that floats by wanting it to float the entire time." Marisa summarizes what I should probably attempt, reading my lost expression.

Oka~y!

Holding my hand out, aiming it at the remnants of the table fort, I begin to generate a yellow cylinder from my hand…

Jerking my hand forward, the geometry disengages, floating forward. Keeping my hand held up like I'm some kinda freakin' Jedi master, I focus on the cylinder. It stays in the air!

...It drifts into one of the tables and dies. Honh.

"Good!" Marisa gives me a thumbs up! "Making a guided area denial laser's as easy as you might expect- draw line, get laser- but makin' the brute force type's gonna be interesting." Looking away, she scratches her cheek, before meandering towards the table fort... "Just do what I say, and it'll probably go okay."

Yeah, probably. Probably…

With a few waves of her hands, she rearranges the table fort into place, stackin' 'em all up again.

"Oka~y…" Marisa walks up to me. "Hold out yer arm, palm outward, like ya've been doin'."

I do so, aiming my arm at the table fort!

Tilting a bit, Marisa stares at the palm of my hand. "Now, I want you to like… generate the cylinder but don't let it leave yer hand and suicide. It has so much to live for!"

Aw, frik! Danmaku suicide prevention…!

Carefully generating the yellow cylinder, I keep it held partially in my palm…

"Now… now now now." Marisa ponders what to say next, standing upright again. "Can yo~u… amplify your hand's mana? In a sorta circle around the cylinder. If ya need a visual, picture it glowin' and makin' any kinda magical circle."

Ooh, okay.

Closing my eyes and imagining her description, using a generic pentagram-esque design in my mind, I try to picture my hand glowing like the surface of Marisa's mini-hakkero when it readies a laser…

My hand starts to have a burning sensation, which is eheheh- ow~...

Opening my eyes, I see my hand's crackling with danmaku energy…

"Oo~h?" Marisa gapes at my hand! "Do you really not feel any of that!?"

"I d-do, actually…" I manage, letting out gasps from the continued sensation. "Ah- it fucking _hurts_..."

"Oh." Marisa seems less impressed. "...Well, yer livin' through it, so whatever. Now, direct as much of that energy as possible into the cylinder, and imagine pouring lots of mana into it!"

I do as she says, transferring energy from my slowly brightening hand into the cylinder-

Fwam! A kinda tiny laser shoots from my hand!

Bam- thud- thunk, thud. The beam displaced the table it hit, causing the table fort to collapse in on itself.

"Woo~!" Marisa loudly claps her hands once! "Take that, Patchy! I can _teach_ shit!"

…Oh, yeah, when I transferred energy from my hand to my bullet? Yeah, I kinda transferred a hell of a lot more than I bargained for. Now I'm like… tired…

Dropping to my knees, I crawl forward a bit- only to stop when I realize my left hand still aches a lot. "Ngh…"

"Aw, crap." Marisa's excitement fades. "Don't worry, s'just low mana. You'll be fine again after a quick nap or something, or a few hours of takin' it easy."

Fr-freakin'... mana deprivation… was not what I signed up for!

…

"Oh, yeah!" Marisa crouches down next to me, and slips a bottle out of her hat. "Could just feed ya a mana potion, if you wanna crap blue stuff later."

Yeah whatever gimme gimme…!

Greedily snatching the bottle from her, I rip the cork off and start chugging the mana potion.

Gulp… gulp- oh Christ it tastes like ass- gulp… gulp.

"Kauf- kauf…!" I cough somewhat, 'cause the mana potion like, gives my throat this sickly, acidic feeling. "Wh- what the he-hell…"

Marisa stands up, and yawns. "Ha~o…"

Good response. Freakin'...

Taking out Deep Blue, I twist the valve enough to make it drip so I could wash this medicine-esque crap down…

"So, yeah, have fun experimentin'. Mana potion's on me 'cause I walked ya inta that one. I sell mine for a thousand yen a pop, though, da ze!"

Yeah- no. I already got a bunch from your dad!

...Tightening the valve on Deep Blue and stashin' it, I stand up. "We~ll, that's a spell I'll never be using again!"

Marisa rolled her eyes. "What, you don't carry potions on you?"

"I _do_." I counter. "I gotta freakin' buy 'em, though. I can't just _make_ mine."

She props her hands on her hips. "Dude- I know for a fact that if you did the right jobs consistently, you'd make more money than you could lose. Even if you chugged like twenty potions an assignment." Moving towards her room, Marisa opens her door...

Son.

Actually, I just had an idea…

Holding out my hand, I point it at one of the table fort fragments.

Before going into her room, she notices my motions. "...If ya waste all yer mana again, I'm just lettin' ya pass out this time. I'm gettin' kinda tired myself, just not from low mana…"

Generating a yellow cylinder bullet, I let it drift forward slo~wly. Like, drift forward just fast enough to let you know it was still moving.

Then, I tried to make a bullet come out of the already present bullet.

To my surprise, the yellow bullet seems to become twice as opaque, before I realized I generated a slightly faster variant of the cylinder inside itself. It is also leaving its parent object, 'cause of its speed!

Marisa smirks at this. "Hehe~y. Now we're cookin' with bullets!"

Focusing on the faster bullet, I try to make it do the thing my hand did. Can I channel big laser magic into bullets?

Instead of glowing, when I do this the bullet thins out and expands!

Fwoom. It briefly pierces me, since it expands both forward and backward before it dissipates. I hardly felt it, though…

"Pffft…" With a grin, Marisa recedes into her room. "Well, g'night."

Click. Her door shuts.

...I am kinda generally tired too, but I've been able to ignore it 'cause freakin' danmaku.

…

You know what would be a convenient way to go to sleep fast?

Holding out my hand, I aim at the table fort. I shall count danmaku to go to sleep!

One yellow cylinder… two yellow cylinder… _twenty_ yellow cylinder! A fuckton 'a yellow cylinders!

Then, suddenly, I can't make anymore. My mana's not out, but the cylinder's just stop.

I mighta hit Reimu's danmaku mana cap again. Freakin'...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

…

…

Oo~h… oo~h…

Well, after enough futzing about last night, yes, I managed to waste all my mana and knock myself out. I just kinda made another laser and created more of those weird aerial snake trails of cylinders a bunch…

Waking up never felt better, though! Ho ho!

I try to sit up, but can't. Well, that's a start as any…

Opening my eyes, I survey the situation.

Hello, Ha-chan! How did _you_ invade Marisa's house?

...Idly, I look to check and make sure the door's still closed, and yeah, it is. What.

...Oh, she coulda used the chimney, couldn't she? She's not covered in soot, though.

In any case, the windows glow dimly with pale light. Today seems to be an overcast sorta day, which is fine by me. Maybe it'll snow! I dunno how cold it actually is, though… my resistances let me just stop feeling that entirely.

Suddenly, Marisa's door swings open widely!

She walks out holding her broom like a sword, a fluffle stuck to the bristles, hugging them. "Alright, fluffy…"

...She pokes the ceiling with her broom. "honh honh" The fluffle makes a soft thud as its tubby back presses against the ceiling.

…

Thu-thud, thud, thud. Marisa pokes the ceiling with her fluffle-tipped broom repeatedly, using both arms to make soft thuds by jerking the broom up and down.

"Al~right…" Time to start getting up!

Resisting Ha-chan's embrace, I start to sit up…

Ha-chan's got a like, winter coat, mittens, and a little hat on. Ho ho!

"Maa~u…" Ha-chan yawns because I brutalize the embrace. Hello, friend…

Slipping outta her grasp, I get up, ready to rumble! "Hello, world!"

Marisa's gaze darts over to me, as she continues to try and remove the fluffle from her broom. "When'd _you_ get up?"

"Good question." I nod warmly…

Ha-chan starts to rise after me! "Mmn~h…" She does a little stretch…!

Time to do my morning stoutness exercises, yo. Just disregard the fact I'm six feet tall…!

Aiming my hand forward, I focus…

I shoot a yellow cylinder forward with a jerk of my arm! It doesn't end there, though, yo. I continue to spawn cylinders out of the one I fired, and allow the like, third cylinder in the line to dissipate, transfering its mana to the next new one.

Like this, I create a rapidly accelerating mini-trail of bullets!

Trying to turn it, I awkwardly create bullets that go an entire ninety degrees, causing the trail to zip around and collide with me.

Thwhap.

...Wow. I hardly felt that. It stung, yeah, but that was like… hitting-the-door-with-your-arm-a-little-too-hard-tier damage.

Marisa chuckled abruptly, looking away from her fluffle dilemma. "Nice job!"

…I jerk my hand towards her, sending the snake trail of cylinders after her!

Thwhap. She just _lets_ them hit her, and grins at me. "That's like, fairy-tier damage, ze. I can eat that shit for breakfast."

Hoh.

"Like, compare that, to this." She slides a hand into her pocket, taking out her mini-hakkero in a single smooth motion. Aiming at me, she quickly creates the same three cylinder snake trail thing I had invented, making the bullets zip towards me.

They collide with me-

Thwhap.

" _Ah!_ " I bring my arms around the spot the bullets hit, my torso crackling with danmaku energy. "Ho-holy shit…" Warn me next time, dammit!

"That's whatcha gotta expect if ya fight me or some god, when it comes ta danmaku." Marisa nods in satisfaction. "Can't just eat half the bullets and keep grinning! 'Course, it depends on how hard yer goin', too. Right now you can only make what're basically crappy easy bullets, 'cause you suck at controlling your mana, and that's not somethin' ya just _teach_."

I see…

"You can also make even weaker bullets when ya get really good." Marisa aims her mini-hakkero at me again.

She shoots a spreadshot of my three snake-like cylinder streams, and they all zoom into me.

Thwhap- thwhap- thwhap.

...Didn't feel a thing that time! Just… still experiencing the lasting pain from that first shot!

"Also…" Putting away her mini-hakkero, Marisa looks up at the broom she's still holding up. "Get the hell off!"

Suddenly bringing it back like a baseball bat, Marisa swings her broom violently through the air-

"Waaa~l!" The fluffle flies off!

Thud. It slams into the far wall, and drops to the floor. "help no stop"

Leaping up, Marisa positions her broom beneath herself so she lands on it, before casually drifting a circle around the room's edges… "I'm gonna head out and do things now, ze."

...I watch her do her slow circle around the living-kitchen-dining room. "What kinda _stuff?_ "

"Checkin' up with Reimu, and if nothin' interesting's happenin' there I think I'll just head on over to the mansion." She looks off into the air for a moment, before looking back at me. "Of course, I could always find something else fun along the way!"

...Marisa never _did_ investimagate that one monolith fragment. She'll probably do that later.

Ho ho. "Sounds like a plan, yo. I'm gonna stumble around aimlessly like usual!"

"Hehe~..." Marisa drifts towards the door. "Cool! Now get outta my house, ze."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

It's a chilly sorta overcast day, yo. Or so Ha-chan's tellin' me…!

Outside Marisa's house, I watch her soar off into the sky, now with a fluffy scarf.

I find it interesting how the lighting around Marisa's cottage is almost normal, while the rest of the magic forest is like a glow stick party on steroids at the best of times. Actually, our last travel through it was rather tame, except for the evil alraunes and spider girls and stuff.

"It's so co~ld…" Ha-chan hugs herself. "Why~...?"

"It's the old flufflenews corporation's fault, yo…" I shake my fist at nothing in particular! "Darn you, flufflenews!"

Proceeding down the predictable, well-trodden path away from Marisa's house and towards the shrine road, I look around idly…

Ha-chan turns to me. "We should have a picnic."

...Yep. As I walk away from Marisa's house, leaves start to glow and the sky awkwardly dims. What _is_ this?

Also, picnic. "We need _food_ , yo." That might be fun, actually, but yeah. Can't have a picnic without food! Also- didn't you _just_ complain about being cold? Why do you want a picnic!? Let's invite Cirno and the yuki-onna while we're at it, yo…!

"That's true…" She brings a mitten to her chin. "What if we… find it?"

Good. Find food like the squirrels do, son. "What, we gonna find acorns?"

Ha-chan lights up! "Acorns are good!"

...Well, I think my point has been proven.

And then a water spider girl popped out from the canopy! "Hello~! I hope you don't mind me _dropping_ in…!"

Alright, that's just irredeemable, yo. Freakin'- if Gensokyo had normal crickets and not cicadas, they'd be _intensifying!_

"It'sa spider!" Ha-chan points at her!

"Yeah, yeah." Landing ahead of me casually, she motions for Ha-chan to shoo. "Now go away so I can eat him. Or stay, whatever, just don't screw with me."

How does she know!? I've got a helmet and rainbow pimp gear on! No human dresses like I do!

"No!" Ha-chan is instantly opposed. "I will screw with you!"

Water spider girl jerks her head back, surprised! Set herself up for that one, she did!

Zap-Zap! Two tiny thunderbolts strike the water spider chick!

"Ow~!" Somehow, this really rattles her. "Fuck- fuck…"

I take out Youkai Inconveniencer. Tried and true anti-getting-yourself-eaten-alive utility!

" _Drown!_ " The spider girl shot her arm forward!

Fwuu~sh! A gush of water came from her hand, plowing into Ha-chan.

"Eep!" Ha-chan was sent sprawling along the floor next to me, thrown off her feet by the water's force.

I start spinning Youkai Inconveniencer around like a flail, since it pretty much is! "Wohohoa~h, dude! Look out below!"

"What the hell…?" Water spider girl begins to back up from me! "Stop that."

Fwuu~sh! A similar blast of water bowls into me, and I'm kinda sorta launched. It hits my face, but I got my helmet on with the visor down, so that's just kinda whatever.

Stumbling back, I stay on my legs! "Woa~h!" ...I also yell after a short delay!

Zap! Zap! Ha-chan creates more tiny bolts from the floor, which strike the water spidey.

"Ow- ow- ow…!" The spider flinches from each bolt. "Where does an electric fairy come from!?"

If she's just gonna keep splashing me with water to keep me back, I'll have to start casting shine and stuff on her…

However, instead 'a staying back, she skitters towards me! Hoh!

When she gets close to me, she leans back onto her hind legs, and starts using her like, other limbs to try and stab me.

I avoid it at first by backpedaling, but she springs back and just leaps towards me, forcing me to drop outta the way and swing at her at the same time-

Thunk! The hanger hits somewhere along her lower body, but she doesn't exactly react to it.

Thoom! She lands in the brush behind me, somewhere.

"Leave him alone!" Ha-chan is back on her legs! "We're gonna have a picnic, and you're not invited!"

"No~..." The spider girl turns to her. " _I'll_ be having a picnic."

This gives me time to get up and pivot around to see the spider in its full spiderness!

She skitters towards Ha-chan-

Zap! Zap! More electricity zaps her!

"Gah- dammit…!" For a moment, the spider girl stops, gritting her teeth before continuing again. "I'm gonna _eat_ _you_ if you keep at it, fairy!"

"I bet you don't even know how to _eat!_ " Ha-chan rebukes!

"You…!" The spider girl is peeved!

I slowly step up behind the spider girl, ready to clonk her with Youkai Inconveniencer…

To my surprise, the spider girl takes a back glance at me, and lashes her arm behind herself-

Fwoosh! A brief, momentous but sharp arc of water is formed. The blade-like part only impacts my arm from how fast its form breaks as it approaches me, and I don't feel it at first.

Once it breaks down into water, I get all wet. Good.

...I survey the part of my arm that feels like it got hit slightly harder by the water arc.

Oh, good, I'm bleeding. It looks like a deep ass cut, too. A~nd now the soreness is kicking in, and I imagine this is going to suck in about two minutes. Maybe I should just lay back and drink a healing potion…

As I fumble through my bag and backpedal, something bright and blue descends from the airspace above us. Freakin'- I just wanted to get outta the forest! I better not attract a whole asskicking party for taking a stroll!

The bright thing that floats down immediately reminds me of lunarian tech. It appears to be a girl, but she's got no limbs, for one thing. Her legs appear to be anti-gravity pods, illuminant, blue rings softly glowing at the bottom of them, projecting visible waves of energy.

Her arms- well, she ain't got no arms- but she does have empty, metal arm sockets! They're super smooth and shiny, blue light pouring out from within the circular grates that capped them.

Her hair's long and brown, and her eyes are empty and white. Like- she's got irises, but they're also white, and they glow. S'weird!

...The water spider turns away from Ha-chan to look at the floating girl thing. "What…?"

Ha-chan looks up at it, as well.

...After a short delay, the floating stoic robot girl approaches the spider girl.

"What're you…?" The spider girl skitters back, her legs colliding with each other awkwardly. "...You smell _weird_."

"Seikatsu_Kikai_oh_oh_oh_one." She speaks with like, a pre-recorded voice bank. "Alpha_release. Please_realize_this_is_a_test_build_and_all_details_are_subject_to_change_for_the_final-" Cli-cli~ck. She stopped awkwardly, like her voice bank had to switch discs or tapes or something. "-build."

Despite being pre-recorded, she sounds fun, though. Sterile, but fun.

"What?" The spider girl furrows her brows! "Look, can you go? I'm busy."

...Two translucent, foggy beams flow from Seikatsu's arm sockets, flowing into the water spider girl.

"He-hey!" She brings her arms up, and gets frazzled… before relaxing. "That… that's fine, actually. What's this…?"

...Are- are those medi-beams? Is she _healing_ my opponent!? I'm starting to see what Marisa meant by healers being annoying!

"Wo-wow…" The spider girl's eyes widen a little! "Thanks, sis! You know what, I'll even share with you."

Ha-chan recognizes the situation, and pouts! Holding an arm up, she unleashes more tiny lightning!

Zap! Zap!

The tiny bolts strike Seikatsu, running up her form, but not seemingly doing anything.

"Minor_damage_sustained." Seiketsu spoke! "Threat level assessed: regeneration_for_nine_turns_authorized."

Fwoom! All her lights started glowing and stuff! Yeah, just what the forest of glowsticks needed, more glowy lights. The bloom is real, yo.

Fwoa~sh. Her body glowed for a moment, being healed. Ha-chan's bolt probably didn't damage her much to begin with, so~... hmm. I bet this thing just spams regen magic. Can I… even hurt it, then?

Then, she broke her beams away from the spider girl, and floated up to me _really_ fast. Like, super smooth; in two seconds she'd cleared the distance I had established from the spider. Freakin'...!

Before I could so much as sneeze on her, she focused the healing beams on _me_.

...Oh. Oh, wo~w…

"Ha~h…" I just wanna take a seat and feel happy. From a glance, I can tell my arm is better now, too… and I've also stopped aching in places I didn't know I was aching. Like, wow, my back and neck feel so damn _good!_

"Chemical_compound_H_R_mana_common_five_detected." Seiketsu drones with her voicebank. "Administering decay, conversion, purification agent."

What?

...Seiketsu drifts even closer to me, and her seemingly fleshy stomach extends outward, the flesh itself revealed to be a single plate or something. As it slides up, the head folds back and the machinery under the stomach plate is revealed- what the fuck am I watching?

Fwi~sh. A mask-like device is ejected from somewhere on the inside of the stomach flesh plate. It drifts towards my face slowly, and I back away from it…

Before I could do anything smart about it, it magnetizes and almost snaps onto my face once it's within the proper vicinity. Yo- what the frik is this…!?

Grabbing the mask, I try to pry it off to little avail. It doesn't attach properly because of my helmet, actually…!

...Sensing this, the mask simply snaps from my helmet and swiftly retracts back into the slot on the inside of Seikatsu's belly that it came from. "Conventional_facial_apparatus_error:_facial_structure_not_found." ...Aw. I don't got a face, yo. "Secondary_bodily_cleansing_method_authorized."

Vrrr~. Machinery whines as Seiketsu's form shifts more-

Fwoa~sh. Her regeneration healed her for nothing, since nothing's hit her yet.

The water spider's just kinda been watching us the entire time. She may've been peeved earlier about the healing, but now she's just… curious.

Ha-chan's next to her, watching with wide eyes and mouth ajar. "Woa~h…"

Vrrr~. Smooth machinery moves aside as a white shaft is constructed, going straight through Seikatsu's core. "Insert_limb_to_begin_detoxificaiton_process."

...I'm kinda curious to see where this'll go.

Lifting an arm up, I comply and stick it through the hole in Seiketsu's stomach-esque space…

I feel the shaft tighten, locking my arm in place. Then, I feel… curious sensations, like things entered my arm but didn't necessarily hurt.

"Conversion_compound_N_M_C_injecting." Seikatsu states. Ho ho.

A low, airy hum comes from Seikatsu… but I don't feel too different.

"Substituting_lost_amino_acids." Wait, lost whats? Aren't those important?

Seikatsu hums a little differently, but I still don't feel too different…

Again, she speaks of another mysteriously named procedure. "Removing_medicinal_framework_V_four."

...I look around idly. Ho ho.

"Removing_numbing_agent." ...Hold on, what numbing agent-

Wo-woah! Holy shit, it feels like my body just caught up with me or something! My stomach feels weirdly better for some reason…

"Release_authorized." Seikatsu lets me go.

Fwi~sh. The shaft around my arm loosens greatly, allowing my to release my arm…

...Surveying it, I find vague red circles on my flesh, but nothing more. We~ird…

Seikatsu slowly begins to shift more and more, her stomach plate returning to a normal position, and her collar, neck, and head tilt back into a normal, believable position.

…

The water spider sighs. "Any reason you healed _him_ , you dumbass?"

Cli-click. Seikatsu made some clicking noise- "May God have mercy on man and machine, for their sins." ...The line that came out of her sounded like a pre-recorded soundbite. I never heard the voice that came out of her before, so this is freakin'... weird.

"Yeah, that's real nice." The water spider looks away, frustrated. " _Fine_. If you like humans so much, why don't you just have sex with them?" ... _What_ train of logic is that?

Seikatsu does not react. I'm pretty sure she's a robot. I mean, I call her a _her_ , but only 'cause she _looks_ like a her.

...After the non-response, the water spider skitters off. "Okay, fine. I'm sure the other girls would love to hear about how much of a _freak_ you are..."

With that, she was gone.

...Breaking its healing beams from me, the healing robot begins to drift off!

Taking Youkai Inconveniencer, I hit myself in the arm really hard by spinning it once. "Sh-..." Almost swore in response!

...The robot promptly stopped, drifting back down to me and focusing her healing beams on me. Oo~h. If I hurt myself, I can abuse her freakin'... programming.

This could be good.

"Brad-kun…" Ha-chan steps up next to me! 'Who is she?"

The healing beams break from me, and immerse Ha-chan…

"Wha-hawa- ooh…" Ha-chan freaks out at first, but quickly mellows out. "...I-I feel good…" Looking at me, she smiles. "Hug."

Wat.

Stepping towards me slowly, she wraps me in a warm hug.

...Well, this works.

Considering the robot looks like it's made outta Eientei shit, it'd be interesting to see if Eirin had anything to say about it. I also wanna get the most bang outta my buck for those dual medi-beam arms she- or it- has. It's not every day you just meet a flying dispenser.

For now, though, I'm just gonna enjoy this healing-powered hug. I feel like someone could get addicted to medi-beam energy… like with painkillers, except freakin' constant stimulation.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 59

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I _would_ like to know where it actually _puts_ all my stuff though…

Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! It better, with a name like 'Swordbreaker'. Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! May cast Flash, an attack that blinds; works best on darkness elementals and youkai. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can cast Gust. By the addition of a steel block, its attack and magic attack increased slightly. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites stuff on impact. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle, allowing the user to cast Flamethrower Plus! Allows the user to cast Fume.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Can produce limitless fresh water. Boosts the power of water skills. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style; physical attack increased, physical defense lowered. User bleeds out faster. Can cast Revenge, an attack that increases in power the lower the user's health is. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to let it cut!

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Lowers defense slightly. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger is slightly electric and holy elemental. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy...

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Seventy-five percent time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!

Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means _business, son_. _One hundred percent_ ice resistance, and as such renders me immune to all magical ice damage. Dunno 'bout icicles and stuff, though. Fifty percent freeze resistance… not that freezing will hurt me with this thing on. Fifty percent dark resistance. Negative fifty percent fire and burning resistance. Hopefully hides me a bit when navigating in the freakin' brush...

Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! Fifty percent sun resistance, one hundred percent freezing and blinding resistance. Also gives immunity to electrical stunning. It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.

Fifty two thousand, two hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!

Seven Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Five Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on _debuffs_ , though...

WebDings Book about Foreign Juices - Wahaha! This better fetch a price on the market!

Dark Stone - I dunno what it is, but it looks cool. Probably something I can slap to one of my dark weapons!

Enchanted Icicle - I gotta make this melting resistant, soon! It's enchanted to glow in the dark…!

Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I _really_ have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

ho ho HO

i've got stuff planned OUT yo

don't worry seikatsu won't be a crutch for too long but she will fuel a few fun times

long ass marisa scenes but fun marisa scenes; i always run into a weird stagnation when writing them but marisa's fun

oh yeah, introduction to danmaku part two! i can now make shitty fairy-tier streams

MAYBE SOMEDAY THAT'LL CHANGE

who knows yo

i don't got a lot else to say about this chapter though…

ooh, there was the introduction of the alraune youkai! they're fun, although the variant we saw was the weaker mook variety

also yeah kinda-sorta cliffhanger here but that's kinda been what has always happened, i wanted to fit more into this chapter but i'm already like four thousand words and ten pages over as is so yeah

one day i'll learn to stop tense shifting like a hooligan

oh yeah PAYDAY (the game) fixed its shit since the last time i complained and is now fun to play again and stuff; they're coming out with an ULTIMATE EDITION which basically just bundles all the DLC together into one cheap purchase, and the game's gonna go from twenty bucks to like forty bucks

...that's a big improvement because the DLC all at full price previously was like _TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS_ , and all kinda necessary and power-creepy to not die as fast ingame. they also pledged not to make any new DLC except for one and just make updates therein, so hopefully they STICK TO THEIR WORD and don't do anything smarmy

this chapter likely has more typos than the others as it didn't receive a solid second-proofread from me but y'know this update's overdue as is

and now we shall depart my SIXTY NINE CHAPTER and SIXTY NINE REVIEW benchmark; everybody who's put up with my writing up to and past this point is PRETTY SEXY yo

(until we reach the sixty ninth chapter mark by this fic's weird numbering standards and not just the FF dot net number standards)

as always, see you all next time!

p.s. please the criticism boss i need it speak your mind shove missiles up my a- or don't do that- but yeah please take a waffle iron to my head and beat me up and we can laugh about it. preferably together but at me is fine too - w -


	75. Hanger Hop Waltz Remix

(in which we break an arm out there)

Alri~ght…

I am still in the Forest of Magic, and Ha-chan's still trying to become one with me via medi-beam sponsored hugging.

"Mmnh…" She squeezes me!

"Yo…" I try to wiggle away, but she's freakin' determined…!

...That floating healing robot named Seikatsu begins to drift off. Yo, no!

Holding up Youkai Inconveniencer behind Ha-chan's back, I hit myself in the hand- " _Ow_ … _!_ " -which hurt more than I bargained for.

...Ha-chan gave me a curious stare for a moment, before resuming the cuddling. Seikatsu's healing beam refocused on us after I hurt my hand.

I'm considering getting Seikatsu over to Eientei for fun nugget times, and to see if Eirin'd have anything smart to say about her. Or limbs, Eirin might also have some limbs to give her…!

It'd be kinda meh to have to hurt myself the entire way, though…

…

Wait.

"Ha-chan, I have a brilliant idea." I inform the cuddle fairy.

"Nnh?" Also you're freakin' close…! S'not a bad thing, but…

"Can ya let go for a moment?" I ask her. There's not a lot I can do in her grasp!

…She gives me a freakin' _examining_ look.

"Oka~y." She pouts, before unhugging me. "We're gonna cuddle later though, Brad-kun."

Ho ho. That's alright with me!

Seiketsu begins to move away again, and I just hit my arm again- "Ow!" That's gonna bruise- wait, no, no it isn't.

...The friendly healing robot turns back around and continues healing me. The pain in my arm quickly recedes again.

"We're gonna work on my rocket jumpin' skills, yo!" Slipping the janky ass flail-like Youkai Inconveniencer back into my sack, I take out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber!

"Ooh!" Ha-chan floats into the air. Despite being in Gensokyo for like a month, cuddly fairy girls suddenly taking to the air right next to you is somewhat surreal! "...Where'll we get a rocket, though?"

I wave off her question. "I mean I'm gonna hit the ground and get flung around by explosions!"

...Seikatsu starts to drift off again!

Crouching, I hit the dirt beneath myself-

Bam! "Ugh…" I stumble back, not ready to launch so instead I just end up inflicting pain on my entire body. Ow~...

...Seikatsu comes back, again! Freakin'- I really gotta get a move on. This is time attack, son!

As the pain in my body ebbs away, I stare up into the forest's glow canopy…

"Mistress Patchouli said that's what happens when you think too hard." Ha-chan commentates on me blowing myself up. Freakin'...

I crouch, jump, and make sure to hit the ground before I land on it-

 _Boom!_

Agh- woah! Been awhile since I've done this! Got some freakin' air…!

As I ascend towards the forest canopy, Seikatsu somehow copies my momentum and accelerates with me. The pain from the blast that propelled me begins to fade, as well.

Then I get beat the fuck up by branches. "Oh- hey- shit…"

Hastily flailing my limbs, I try to grab some of the branches or leaves but end up missing, descending back towards the floor. To keep myself from getting beat the fuck up too badly, I turn to the tree bark and hit that as I near it-

Boom!

Now I'm moving mostly horizontally, but still down!

After a few seconds-

Thu-thud-thud. _Fuck_. I roll across the floor-

Boom! My hanger clips the ground and extends my roll. Shit…! "Auh…" Ow ow ow- what did I just land on…?

Ha-chan floats after me! "...Brad-kun? Are you okay?"

No.

...After a few seconds of being sad, however, I feel the pain pulse away. Thanks, doc...

"Ye-yeah." I begin to rise from the floor. I'm still in the same freakin' clearing! "Just peachy, yo." I'm really glad I have this helmet, now. If I land awkwardly, my head's gonna be okay no matter what! Unless I fall from like five million feet right on it, but yeah.

Ha-chan relaxes. "...Oh. You looked like you were really hurt."

...Huh. She _cares?_ I mean- I guess she would, but that's something I didn't think I would witness any time soon. Someone caring about me getting freakin' gibbed, I mean.

Invigorated from the healing, I spring back up onto my feet! I'm definitely not going to regret trying to blast jump all the way to Eientei like an asshole.

This time, however, I reach into my bag and take out Million Bucks. This shit'll send me to the _moon_ if I blast jump with it… and I can do that weird gliding thing!

First, I gotta get the _big hurt_ , though.

Walking up to the nearest tree, I fuck its shit up.

 _Bam!_ Boom! Bam!

"Ao _uw~!_ " The third blast nearly knocks me over, but I just stumble back. My body's everything is yelling at me and I'm having many many second thoughts, but I gotta commit…!

Before Seikatsu can heal me too much, I jump- woah! Underestimating my floatiness with Million Bucks out, I drift up like five feet.

Crouching in the air, I wait for myself to drop towards the forest floor… and once I near it, I swing at it-

 _Boom!_

 _Woaa~h!_

...Goodbye, tree tops! Wow. Str~aight up. My ascent got me slightly molested by branches, but otherwise I'm mostly just achy from blowing myself up repeatedly.

I'm still going up, by the way. Wa~y up past the tree tops. Holy shit. I can see the mansion from here! And… kinda sorta the village.

Up here, the sky is bright. The forest floor beneath me is sparkly, blue, and dark, mostly obscured by the tall trees that I had passed. I can see Ha-chan floating out from them!

I guess the forest's glowstick-hell effect is from the trees. Who'da thunk it? Interesting that it doesn't go this high, though…

As I near the apex of my jump, ever so slowly, I notice Seikatsu's blank, soulless stare as she drifts pretty neatly in synchronization with my momentum. Her medi-beams are still focused on me, too!

...Oh, shit, if I reach full health up here, she'll skedaddle. Oh boy.

Finally, the apex of my hop is here!

...I'm just kinda suspended in the air for a few moments. My legs are like tiny static storms, yo. The view here almost makes me forget the fact I want to just lie down in a bed and go to sleep until the end of time.

Ha-chan's nearly caught up! However, there are no brakes on the blow-yourself-the-fuck-up train!

Performing my double jump, I glide idly in the direction of the village.

…

Man, this is slow by comparison to my jump. At the same time, I feel like fucking Batman. The gliding motion makes me splay out with my stomach facin' downward. It's _almost_ like I can fly!

I have a need for speed, yo. Still gliding forward like this, I curl up into a ball. Extending the arm holding the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, I get ready to slap my shoes…

A~nd… hit!

 _Boom!_

Akh- wind in mouth- ngh…!

As it turns out, moving really fast really high up in the air sucks. Now that I think about it, I could turn this into a legitimate method of travel if I was careful enough, and felt like burning through my health potions like a druggie.

I also spin a little, but performing another 'double jump' makes me even out, so I don't get too dizzy.

Seikatsu is still healing me, which is good. Those have to be some damn good anti-gravity modules to keep up with my crazy bullshit. Then again, I don't know anything about anti-gravity modules…

The blast gave me mostly horizontal momentum, which meant gravity was ready to piss me off by existing again. By that, I mean I'm now going horizontal and _down_.

Crouching mid-air again- and closing my helmet's visor so the wind doesn't beat me the fuck up- I try to wiggle a bit as I hit my shoes again-

 _Bam!_

...Well. I'm probably accelerating towards the ground _faster_ than I was before. You know what, if physics wants to be like that, I'm just gonna go all in and try to like…

I've got options. Do that airplane thing where you hold up when going down to go up, or hope breaking my gliding motion and blowing myself up repeatedly does something productive.

Instead of crouching, I just hit myself in the side-

Boom!

 _Fuck!_ That hurt… a _lot_ more than it did when I hit my shoes.

Breaking my gliding motion, I'm… just awkwardly kinda twirling down towards the ground, now. At the very least I seem to be almost out of magic forest range! I'm over the edge regions of it, nearing the Hakurei path…

"Hehehe~!" I hear a fairy that's not Ha-chan somewhere nearby!

"Bloody sadistic for a water fairy, aren't'cha?" ...S'that Star, too? "U~hm…"

I activate my glide again- I guess the momentum from blowing up resets it or something- and look around…

...Star and some generic water fairy are currently drifting in an orbit around me. Ho ho!

"You okay?" Star stares at me dryly. "Looked like you were 'bout to take a spill."

"O~h trust me, yo…" I shake my head. "I'm gonna be takin' some spills, alright!"

"Like water?" The water fairy grinned widely.

...Star turned to her, deflating. "Took you all night to come up with that one, huh?"

...After a short delay, the water fairy turned to her. "Would it be bad if I said yes?"

I'm actually starting to feel pretty good right now. That means my pocket medic might abandon me, which is not pretty good!

As such… idea. If my every blast is super-accented by how hurt I am…

Taking the bomb hanger, I hit myself in the back.

 _Boom!_

"Woah!?" Star is sent tumbling by the blast.

"Eep!" The water fairy kicks and flails her arms at the air wildly as she drifts backward!

And I~... am going straight _down!_

Holy _fuck_ that's fast! Oh shit oh shit oh shit-

 _Boom!_ I hit myself in the stomach to cancel my momentum-

"Gufgh..." ...I just spat inside my visor. Involuntarily, but still. Gonna have to clean this shit later…!

...Now that my momentum was cancelled well enough, I was free to fall straight down another like ten-twenty feet onto my limbs.

 _Thud!_ "Aa-aah…"

Fuck- I landed wrong- ow… like, I landed on my arm but since it was holding Million Bucks I had to land on my elbow and- shit…

…

I try to move and- nope nope nope. Ow. That arm… has seen better days.

Slowly but surely, Seikatsu's healing beam soothes me.

Okay, maybe this _isn't_ such a good thing for mass transit. I descend so slowly during a proper glide that it'd probably take me all day to actually softly land on my stomach, too… and knowing me, I'd try to speed the process the fuck up and end up like this.

...I try to move my arm again. "Sss…" I hiss, because it hurts, and doesn't move the way I expect it to.

After waiting a few more moments, I hear my arm pop like I just had a good stretch. "Aah- nnh…" I shut my eyes. That's _good_ , dude. Give me more of that fucking broken arm sensation. Yeah.

…

After a moment, I push my elbow against the ground again.

Okay, that's better. Stings and shit, and is sorta shaky, but it actually moves good and stuff.

"You alright!?" Oh, hey, it's Star! She actually came to check on me!

Where the fuck'd I land, anyway… oh. I'm on the shrine path.

Lifting my arm, I see that some dirt from the path has become one with my kimono's sleeve. Considering it's camouflage, that doesn't mean much! Ho ho!

"No." I inform her. "Thanks for askin', though…!"

...Letting myself roll onto my stomach, I get onto my knees and start to rise again…

"Wh- you're getting back up…?" Star blinks at me, perplexed. "I thought humans couldn't fall that far, though…"

"Physics sucks." I state plainly in response.

...Star nods compromisingly at that. "Yeah. Yeah, I'd say so…"

The water fairy drifts down, too! Immediately once she gets in range, she starts shooting streams of danmaku from her arms!

"Yo- easy!" After eating some of the first blue bullets, I start running away! "What'd I do ta you!?"

"You scared me and made me explode!" She barks back! Freakin'- I just made an explosion _infronta_ you- there's a difference!

I'm healthy again except for the elbow that ate shit, which is now just moderately achy because pocket medic.

Speaking of my pocket medic, Seikatsu's not reacting to the danmaku at all, even though the fairy's pretty much dead-on shelling her 'cause of how she's tailing behind me. It might be because the fairy's weak as piss, though…

I have no time to spare for getting pelted by wimpy bullets, though! I mean, they don't really compare to my arm getting blown up, but I don't have time in general at the moment!

"Sorry, yo!" I apologize to the water fairy. "I gotta hop on outta here!" Literally!

Crouching, I do a little hop 'n' hit action-

Boom!

Yea~h! Ho ho~… not as much height as the last hop 'cause I wasn't as hurt, ironically. Even so, I go high enough to still see a buncha notable structures in the distance. I can see the stalks of the bamboo forest from here, too!

Since I'm here I can just not head towards the human village, and keep chaining myself towards the forest of freakin' mazes.

I glide towards the bamboo forest a little! Seikatsu's on my flank again, too.

"Brad-ku~n!" Ha-chan's almost caught up! "Wa~it!"

There are no brakes!

...Actually, I need a good blast jump that starts at an arc so I move stupid fast. 'Cause right now I just go straight up and try to work things out from there, and it doesn't go so well.

Do I really want to go _down_ again, though? Eheheh…

For now, I'll just fly. Well… fall with style.

As such, Ha-chan does manage to catch up with me! "When'd you learn to go so fast!?"

When I started blowing myself up! "I saw it in a book once, yo." Don't try this at home, kids…!

...Ha-chan tilted her head. "Wo~w…" She looked at the world below us. "If more books were like that, reading would be fun!"

What, you don't like hearing about Gatsby's freakin' weirdly anti-social life in old, shiny America? 'Cause I wouldn't blame ya…!

Anyway, I gotta keep screwing around so my pocket medic doesn't equally distribute her heals elsewhere. Against my better judgment, I curl up into a ball and hit my own ass-

 _Boom!_

Spi~n cycle! Woaa~h!

Activating my glide- oh, good. So, uhm… I'm moving towards the bamboo forest, yeah, but my gliding posture opened in just the right way to point me _straight_ towards the floor. Like, nosedive.

...Within moments, my forward momentum begins to slow and my glide makes me accelerate down. Fucking- good glide. Really good glide. Yes, I _wanted_ to nosedive into the dirt and become an ostrich.

I think I'll just hit myself to stop this freakin'-

 _Bam!_ I exploded my side again. Ow. Well, now I have sideward momentum again! I'm not falling down as fast.

...How the hell does Seikatsu keep up with me, anyway? She only lags behind a little each time I leap around like a moron. Actually, you know what? If she's so freakin' fast…

Turning away from her without activating my glide, I like, kneel and hit my knees-

 _Boom!_

...I ended up going at an awkward upward angle-

Thud! I slam into Seikatsu!

Before I could break from her, I scramble to turn and wrap my arms around her freakin' limbless body. "Yo- yo- sorry, I need a lift…!"

...No reaction. Freakin' cyborg people. I'm still being healed, even though I'm pretty sure I've got one hand latched to an unfortunate clump of her hair.

Like this, we just sit suspended in the air. She's slowly rotating, now, for some reason.

…

"Hey." I try to get her attention. "I wantcha to take me somewhere."

...Nothing.

Take two! "Uhm… take me to specific coordinates?"

Nothing. Yeah, that one kinda sucked.

"Seikatsu." I speak her name.

"Accepting_input." She responds! Hohoho!

"Allow me to input directions." I try to make her accept my input!

"Unrecognized_command: _Allow me to input directions_." ...Did she record my voice and return it to me? Yeah- I know what I said…!

Anyway, looks like no can do. Aww.

...Ha-chan's slowly catching back up. I can see her in the distance.

Since we're near the bamboo forest, if Seikatsu goes to heal people, she should bring us closer to the clinic!

…

Wow. I'm not sure if feeling this good is worth breaking a limb again for or not. Probably not.

The medi-beams are now off me.

Seikatsu starts to drift down really fast, carrying me with her. Wind roars around my helmet as she freakin' zips down to ground level, and accelerates towards the bamboo forest's rim.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Freakin'... I'm getting bushwhacked! Aah!

Seikatsu pretty much plows through tiny brush and branches, which doesn't bode my body well. Whenever she accidentally bashes me against something big and burly, she stops and heals me.

Oh, that reminds me, the only soft part about her is her stomach and head, which may or may not even be real flesh. Everything else is just… plastic or metal. The hair seems real, though.

Eventually, after plowing through the woods, Seikatsu stops somewhere. It's got a rock and a creek. This forest had a creek?

There's a burly-looking Reimu yukkuri sitting by the water, leaking some kind of fluid from its sides. Like, person-sized. Yo.

"Ea-eah…" It twitches, otherwise immobile, a somewhat dry stream of tears staining the face of its dirty form.

...What the hell even happened here? Just a freakin' injured tubby yukkuri in the middle of nowhere.

Seikatsu's medi-beams connect with the yukkuri. Slowly, the leaking holes on the yukkuri's sides begin to close…

After a minute, the yukkuri is beaming, patched up but still freakin' dirty.. " _Easy!_ " It's freakin' loud, too…!

...Seikatsu doesn't react. Hoh.

The Reimu yukkuri starts scooting across the creek to reach us, but Seikatsu just zips off into the woods. Bye, colossal Reimu yukkuri!

The forest brush around me is a blur as we freakin' zip off somewhere else.

Woah- woah, woah! Jesus, Seikatsu stops on a dime. Nearly threw me off when she stopped this time…

We're before some lunarian rabbit girls, with suits of varying shades! Most of them just have those rifles Kaguya was toting earlier- the basic plasma rifles.

One of them has no weapons, but has a dark green suit on and what looks like a freakin'... first aid _tub_.

They all aim their guns at us, jumping at our presence.

"Freeze!"

"That's… not one of them."

"Hold fire!"

...Despite holding fire, they keep their guns on us.

On closer examination, a lot of these bunny girl soldiers have crimson holes in their suits. The hell shot them back?

…Seikatsu's medi-beams stretch out to connect with the one closest to us.

Everyone seems to hold their breath, and the affected bunny girl's eyes widen. "What are you-..."

...After a moment, however, she relaxes. "It's okay. She's some kind of medic, everyone."

Everyone instantly lowers their guns, resuming whatever they were doing before.

We seem to be in a clearing of some kind. Grey, sleek surfaces lie abandoned on the ground around the rabbits. Oo~h, they were fighting some of those fucking space sniper fluffles. There don't seem to be anymore here, though.

"...Hello, friends." I greet them.

The rabbit in a grey suit- the one Seikatsu first targeted- walks up to us. "I'm glad to see you here. Those shots are rather unpredictable, sometimes, and our field medics can only do so much."

...I tilt my head. "You mean me?"

...She blinks. "Sure. You probably maintain that robot or something. I don't know. If you're healing me and my girls, you're fine with me. Besides..." She idly gestures towards Seikatsu with her free arm. "She looks like lunar tech anyway."

Huh.

Seikatsu moves a little to heal a different bunny, who looks at us and smiles.

Wait. "If we looked like lunarians, why'd you almost shoot the fuck outta us?"

She replied pretty promptly. "There have been lunar espionage agents scouting Gensokyo as of late. They're not bothering with us specifically, but we'd rather not take chances. That, and I feel like we'd be looked at pretty highly if we somehow apprehended scouts on a basic patrol."

That's true. Wait wait- lunar espionage agents? Like, from the _moon_ moon? I mean- as opposed to all the other moons- but freakin'... I thought they didn't get too involved with Gensokyo.

...Seikatsu moves to heal the next bunny in line. The red-haired bunny getting healed gives us a thumbs up! "Thanks, doctor!"

I wave at her, stealing credit for Seikatsu's freakin' health hacks. "Yeah, take it easy, yo…"

So, yeah. Freakin' fluff war is still going on here on the small scale, apparently.

Considering this is just a small patrol of like, five bunnies, I'll wait out the healing. The medic doesn't even look _hurt_.

Seikatsu heals the next noob who got sniped by fluffles. She just closes her eyes and basks in the healing sensation…

Actually, I could probably ask these rabbit friends what direction Eientei is. That'd be a fluff nugget time…

"Yo, which's the way to Eientei by flying again?" I raise a brow, pointing idly into the woods. "Wanna try going up and over the trees."

The grey-suited, pastel-haired rabbit looks at me again. Then, she points to my left. "About that way. I know what you mean, the way this forest does directions is weird. Even we get sidetracked sometimes."

Hoh. "Thanks, yo. Now…"

As Seikatsu starts healing up the last friendly rabbit, I hop off of her and start moving for the bamboo. Since it's unlikely Seikatsu herself'll mosey on over to Eientei, I'm gonna give her a little incentive…!

As fun as making a warpath through the woods might be, I got no idea how that'd turn out since this forest is some Super Mario RPG shit. Instead, I'm just gonna~...

Walking over to a nearby bamboo tree clump- not a very far walk- I take Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber out. You and me again, nature… who will win this time?

Time to get aggressive! I attack the bamboo clump!

 _Boom!_

That's my arms hurting!

 _Bam!_ I hit the bamboo again.

That's my torso hurting…!

 _Boom!_ Third time's the charm…!

No~w I'm on the pain train…

The grey-haired squad leader bunny is now worried! "Hey-... are you okay?"

...I give her a hasty look, my eyes narrowed in freakin' pain. "A- ah-... ye- yeah, I'll be al- alright." Oo~h this was a mistake…

"Really?" She steps towards me. "Look- if something's up, we can help." ...After a moment, she adds onto that! "Within reason, of course."

Yeah, yeah. C'mo~n, Seikatsu, heal me already…

Once the healing robot of fun finishes with the last bunny, her beams return to me!

Oo~h, yes yes yes yes. S'good. The pain is _so~_ much more bearable with a medi-beam on you. At least, when it's not snapping your bones back into place. In that case it's worse!

Before I get healed up too much, I just leap at the bamboo before me and jab down-

 _Boom!_

Goodbye, trees! Also, bamboo is _tall_. Taller than I realized, anyway…

...Yeah, I got freakin' air on that one, again. I can actually see Eientei below! So, y'know what? Before I glide, I'm just gonna like… fall.

I gotta reach the apex of my jump first, though! Which i~s… right around now.

All this wind feels so _weird_. Good but weird! It's windy like a hundred feet in the air…

Now the falling begins. Million Bucks makes me floaty enough for it to be slow at first, but that grace period quickly wears off and I end up plummeting to my doom at about the normally anticipated speed...

I'll just blow myself up to relieve my fall and maybe break something again as I near the ground…

Ju~st waiting, then. Accelerating, waiting…

…

Okay ground's getting a little close for comfort- crouch and hit shoes with hanger to counter momentum!

 _Boom!_

I~ am going slower! Slow enough? Maybe not, let me- oh boy ground's coming up faster than I-

 _Thud!_

 _Fuu~ck_ that ouch! Ahahah- ow ow ow! Why did I think that was a good idea!? Fuck! "Ah- nnh…" Words cannot describe. Just…

I'll describe the situation, though. So, I didn't want to land on my back, ass, or legs, because spine damage is ahahaha _no_. So I decided to land on like… either my arm or my side in the moment.

Yeah, you can guess what happened next. Rip arm. Goddammit. I'm not even going to _look_ at it while it heals, but it doesn't feel good.

I feel my eyes begin to water. Good.

…Please get this over with, Seikatsu. Like, right now. I know you're healing but _heal faster please_.

I take short breaths, the curious, trickling sensations in my right arm sending spikes of pain through my whole body. God…

"Shh~..." Ju~st gonna lie here and hiss. Goo~d times…

A~nd that feels weird. The medi-beam's doing weird things to my busted arm, but weird things are better than pain.

Is this how Kaguya and Mokou feel every time they so much as break a limb? Jesus Christ. Respect plus a kazillion. Now I can understand them being freakin' grumpy all the time…!

Krik! My arm- "A-aah…" -clicked or something, making me release my breath awkwardly. "Ok-okay…"

...I just noticed. The sliding door to Eientei has been opening and closing repeatedly because I landed like, right on the front pad.

I grin despite the pain. "Fu-fuck…"

Oh- oah- sharp pinpricks- sharp pinpriks-... back to general throbbing. Why does this medic bot not have a _fucking_ quick fix equipped? If she had ubercharges that woulda been swell, but I don't think I can command her to do shit.

"Sei-Seikats-su…" I half-ass her name.

"Accepting_input." Robot is robotic as ever in response.

"Ubercharge." I command her to ubercharge me!

"Unrecognized command: _Ubercharge_." Nope. No~ can do. Probably gotta talk to her in machine or some shit…

Take three! "Seikatsu." I feel like I'm talking to SIRI.

"Accepting_input." Yeah, sure you are…

"S V cheats underscore one." I enable cheats!

"Unrecognized directory: _S V cheats_." Ooh, so that's how that works? The hell're your directories, then?

...My arm is almost not in excruciating pain. I feel something going on with the leg I landed on, too, but nevermind that for now. "Seikatsu." Yeah, I'm just gonna fuck with the robot until I get better.

"Accepting_input." That's a lie and you know it…!

"Help." Help me help you!

Seikatsu actually gives a reply of sorts! "Please_confer_to:_Readme_dot_T_X_T," Cli-click. She reloaded her sound card or some shit. "Help_fifty_seven_dot_M_P_4_in_server_bank," Clil-click. Good sound drive. "and_alpha_operations_manual._Please_realize_this_is_a_test_build_and-" Cli-cli~ck. Eirin really needs to give you a sound upgrade or something, yo… "-all_details_are_subject_to_change_for_the_final_build."

Freakin'... cool. She said something about a server bank, so if I can get onto a computer I might be able to access that shit. Chances are it's got a burly password, though, but it can't hurt to try. That is, if Windows 7 even recognizes Seikatsu as a connectable device. If it does, that'd be some freakin' magic…

…

So, yeah. How was everyone's day? Hopefully not freakin' breakin' limbs like I am…!

After a few moments, my arm is back in movable condition! My entire right side is scuffed a bit and- ooh. That's interesting, my clothing along my right side was all like, caked to my skin. That was probably not the result of anything good.

...Articulating my arm- oh ooh, jeez. My shoulder's weird…

I blink rapidly for a moment, holding the arm really still. Next time I leap around like an asshole, freakin'... I'm doin' it _without_ MIllion Bucks equipped. That was some shit…!

... _After_ that, I seem to be in mostly working order.

"Jesus." I start to get up again, albeit a little awkwardly. "I'm not religious, but you are truly God's gift, Seikatsu." I know there's nothin' up in that tin can 'a yours, but yo. I am alright with indiscriminate healing machines!

I am now on my feet!

Looking around, I try to see if Ha-chan kept up. Apparently not at the moment… but knowing her, she'll find a way eventually. She's broken into the forest of mazery before, hasn't she? Stalker senses are freakin' magical.

Moving inside through the glass door, I lock eyes with… the bunny at the counter. I say 'bunny at the counter' because it is not Reisen.

It's that one cream-haired timid rabbit again. "Yo-you-uhm-are-aah…" She points at me, shaking. "Ah-are you… okay!?"

...Oo~h. She saw that whole exchange with me becoming a half-pancake, huh? No wonder she's about to shit herself.

Sliding my visor up, I walk up to the counter and lay my hands on it.

"Yo-you're all dirty…" She gestures to my camouflage kimono. How do you even- well you _did_ see what went down… "I ca-call can- I can call master Yagokoro if you… would like…"

I don't respond at first, just givin' her a grin accented _stare_.

...She looks away for a moment, backing up, before looking back at me awkwardly.

"I live in constant fear that one day when I take a shit, the shit will take me instead." I preface, trying my best not to freakin' laugh... "Yeah, bring me freakin' Eirin…!"

"Wh-what…!?" I seem to have caught her off-guard, too! "Uhm-uhm… okay!" Wahaha!

She idly moves over to the landline phone on the other end of the desk. Picking up the receiver, she starts dialing some numbers, speaking them aloud. "Eight, two two, four…" She trails off and begins speaking too quietly for me to hear, though.

...Y'know, sometimes, sterile building interiors feel oddly refreshing. I guess it's just the fact I nearly died a few seconds ago, if I didn't have a non-sentient, tanky medic party member.

"Hello?" Cream bunny speaks into the phone! "...Re-Reisen? It's me, Ayuri." Aa~h. Creamie's name is Ayuri, huh? "I have someone who wants to see master Yagokoro."

...Reisen says something back that I can't hear!

"Ah, al-alright. I'll send him right away." Ayuri nods intently, despite talking over the phone. "Ha-have a good day, Reisen…"

She puts the phone down, lookin' over at me. "An… es-escort is coming to take you to master Yagokoro."

An escort, huh…

Well, at least my lingering pain will keep Seikatsu idle for awhile.

...I just stare at Ayuri, nodding smugly.

Ayuri idly gazes back. "...Uhm…" She tries to make conversation in the meantime! "Who is your friend?"

"Oh?" I glance back at Seikatsu, and smile warmly. "Oh, we go _wa~y_ back..."

Ayuri smiles, too! "You do?"

"Yeah, yo!" It is story time! "There was this time we were like, at the bottom of the ocean…"

As I speak, Ayuri starts shifting some files about on the desk. "O-oh?" She blinks, surprised!

"Yeah! And I was drowning." I nod.

...Ayuri looks up from the files for a moment. "That's terrible. Did she save you?"

"No." Shaking my head, I look down at the counter. "No, I drowned gruesomely and she just kinda sat there."

…

I gesture to Seikatsu. "Also, a giant pufferfish exploded next to her and gibbed her instantly, reducing her to gears and stuff, and I couldn't put her back together."

...Ayuri paused, giving up on file sorting at the moment, before looking up at me with utter befuddlement.

...I just stare back at her with a smug smile, confident in what I just said.

"That…" She furrows her brows! "That can't be right. No, that doesn't make any sense. That can't be how it happened."

"No- for real!" I put my hands up in gesture! "Okay- I guess it was more like… I slid down this like, undersea crack, and her pathfinding couldn't find me, and my breath meter hit zero and I died."

…

"But-but…!" She gestures back, raising her hands into the air too! "You're here! Right now!"

I try to control my smile…! "I got better."

...She just gives me this _look_ of befuddled frustration, her hands in the air, before shaking her head, looking back down at her files and letting her arms drop. "Sure…"

A navy-haired lunar bunny girl proceeds towards us from the nearby hall! "Hey, Ayuri."

Ayuri looks over at her. "Hi, Heyakawa-san." ...Why's the -san suffix a thing _now_ of all times? Language hacks seem to make it not exist the majority of the time. "Here's the guy."

Heyakawa looks me over. "Cool. Come with me." She begins walking down the hall. "Catch you on break, Ayuri."

"Alright, Heyakawa-san!" Ayuri waves back eagerly!

...Hoh. For now, I shall follow Heyakawa!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Man, this Heyakawa is freakin' stoic. Seldom a word edgewise, and she was only scared of me blowing myself up to keep Seikatsu on me at first. Afterward it was like she freakin' ignored the explosions.

...Nearing her side, I bring Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber closer to her. "Ho ho."

I playfully jab it towards her, and she seems to reel her arm up really freakin' fast, but I retract the hanger before she does anything. Her arm slowly lowers...

Before it lowers completely, I jab again-

 _Whack!_

"Agh-!?" Ow, shit…! She punched me in the _cheek!_ Yowza! I guess I deserved that, though.

Stumbling to the side from the punch a little, I rub my cheek awkwardly. "Ahah… good."

Hayakawa just glances at me, before continuing forward.

Freakin' solid as stone.

However, our walk soon comes to an end! Stepping from the middle of the hall, Hayakawa approaches one of the closed doors. This one's a heavier door, with specific metal trim around the edges.

Bending in front of a scanner beside the burly door, Hayakawa brings her face up to what's probably an eye scanner.

The door clicks, making me look away from her!

Standing upright, the lunar rabbit walks up to the door. "Come on. Master Yagokoro is in here."

The metal door creaks as she pushes it open rather easily. I follow behind her and have to push the door so it doesn't beat me up- ho ho…! Heavier door than I anticipated…!

I manage to push past it anyway-

Cla-clack. Seikatsu just plows into the door as she follows, pushing it open with her face. Well, that's one way to do it…

Inside is a stark contrast to the wooden, Japanese styled architecture from the main halls. The hall we just entered is hexagonal in shape- wide, but kinda short. White, iridescent lights are embedded in a dotted line across the ceiling, while dimmer pastel-blue lights shine from the crevices of the hexagon's corners. The walls are parts brown and clean, white metal.

The floor beneath us is now some kinda white metal, too. Freakin', yo…!

"This place is pretty happenin'...!" I comment on the sudden upscale in architecture fanciness!

Hayakawa just continues forward, business as usual.

...I put the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber away for now. I'll just hit myself with Million Bucks whenever I feel like making sure Seikatsu's attention span is still on the up 'n' up.

As I follow her down the hall, I also take in the 'decor' that's scattered around here or there…

Some of it's just grey crates with weird slots. There are also various tubes that hold clothing inside, most of which consist of like, business suits. Why they're in freakin' cryo tubes I'll never know…

There's also some more burly doors to the left and right sides of the hall. I don't think I'll ever see what's inside most of them.

Also holy _frik_ this is a long hallway. It does end in a split eventually, though. We're getting there…!

Oh, Hayakawa stops. Nevermind, we're never getting there!

She turns to a burly door to our left. "Here. Go inside and don't touch anything."

I must touch everything.

...Oh, she's waiting for _me_ to go inside. How awkward.

Shrugging, I meander towards the door…

Now, how the hell do you open this? There's no knob or handle, it's just big and grey and-

 _Vrr!_

-slides open instantly when you approach it, apparently. Guess that's what the red arrows pointing up and down near the middle were supposed to indicate.

I meander inside, Seikatsu hovering in behind me…

Inside, the room is long and square! Similarly metal as the outside, though. There's a buncha more cryo chambers along the walls, most of them also filled with business suits. Some're out on racks this time, though.

Some of the cryo chambers have some kinda armor instead, too. That's interesting!

Walking deeper into the room, I look around… and eventually rest my eyes on the people in the middle.

Reisen's eying me, standing idly by a table.

Eirin's looking down on the table, at the things on it. Said things include gizmos and gadgets and indescribably techy nonsense. Dunno what's goin' on there!

Also, there's Marisa, for some reason. "What's _that?_ " She points at a boxy thing with what looks like USB ports.

Eirin sighs. "Again. That is a generic mass-USB box." Oh, it really _is_ a USB port doohickey. "It is used to connect a variable mass of applicable devices and manage them all at once with a custom USB handling and file transferring operating system. Nothing that concerns you, honestly."

...Marisa nods at that. "Yeah, got no idea the hell ya just said."

"Master…" Reisen speaks up, looking away from me. "We have a visitor."

Eirin glanced up at me. "Oh, right, him. Well, this is easier than I had anticipated…"

"Hi, world." I strut up to them. "I fell over myself to get here, yo."

Reisen suddenly turns away from me fully, facing Eirin. "You mean-... Master, you can't just-"

"It will be fine." Eirin waved her off. "Hand me cord H."

Reisen does as requested, quickly passing a cord that was near her across the table. "But, none of them know-"

"I'm pretty sure you remember the last time you doubted Kirisame's combat prowess." Eirin spoke over the bunny, while fitting the USB-ended cord into the box lined with USB ports. "I also wouldn't ever plan to use _him_ , but since he's here, he's not entirely without use."

Wat. You talkin' ta me, yo?

Eirin glances at me as if she knew how I'd react!

"Damn straight." Marisa nods in satisfaction, pumping an arm up. "You loony moon people sure dunno how ta _dodge_."

Reisen gives her a dry look. "Well, you know, standard combat protocol is to _not_ be in a situation where you have to dodge for dear life…"

"Exactly!" Marisa grins at her, folding her arms. "How're ya gonna get better at dodgin' if you just sit in yer cozy camper tower and shoot lasers at half-blind people?"

...Reisen just gives her a _look_. Like, halfway smile and halfway 'ya stupid bastard'. "I suppose I wouldn't, then. You'd be surprised how often sniper towers get shot at, though. There's a distinction between combat snipers and long-ranged snipers, though. You see-"

"Yes, well…" Before Reisen can get crackin' on her lecture about snipers, Eirin speaks up. "You may converse with Kirisame later, Udongein."

Freakin'... Udongein. Unfortunately, nobody here- except maybe Kaguya and Sanae- would know the fun of expanding-related memery.

Huh, I just noticed. That cryochamber a few tubes away from Eirin is half-open. Instead of armor or a business suit, there was just like a freakin'... ill-fitting space suit inside. The upper chamber half seemed to be open not to crush the helmet, but the lower door was just broken. Good.

"-and for that reason, it'd be best for you to assemble a team posthaste." Oh, shit, Eirin was talking. Provided, it was to Reisen, so I don't think I particularly needed to listen…

"But…" Reisen was ready to object! "I can just-"

"I'd rather not be so crude as to send a squad of rabbit into the open to shoot up a blatantly extraterrestrial lunar creation, in front of everyone who cares to observe. This includes _you_ , Reisen. You are to remain away from the battlefield and command those who _are_ on it. You may scout from afar- perhaps the manor's clocktower- but not snipe, or else you would be quickly discovered by the enemy. Our presence in any sort of resistance should be of the utmost minimal." A~nd denied. Verbosely, might I add…!

...Reisen slouched. "I _suppose_."

Eirin smiled, looking back down at her gizmos. "I thought you would."

Bringing her hands up, Marisa whistles into them. "Wo~w. You just got shut _down_ , ze."

...Oh, uuh- Seikatsu starts to drift away! Quick, inflict self harm!

Reeling Million Bucks back, I hit myself in the forearm really hard!

Thunk!

...The three women present dryly turn to me.

"Fu~ck…" I cannot contain my pain, 'cause it's _painful_. Hahaha~ shit…

"You 'kay?" Marisa commented on my insanity. Then, she smirked, abruptly patting Reisen's back. "I know a lonely rabbit with yer name on it if yer feelin' down…!"

Reisen promptly looked back at Marisa. "I know CQC."

"I have drugs for that, you know." Eirin advertized her medicine at my expense! "Joking aside…"

Seikatsu drifted back up to me, and began healing me again.

"Ah." Eirin instantly seemed to know what was up. "And who might you be?"

...Marisa turned to Seikatsu, finally noticing her. She leapt back a little! "Holy crap! She okay!? Woa~h…!"

"I was wondering when you'd finally notice her." Reisen smugly looked away from Marisa, over at Seikatsu.

Seikatsu introduced herself! "Seikatsu_Kikai_oh_oh_oh_one. Alpha_release. Please_realize_this_is_a_test_build_and_all_details_are_subject_to_change_for_the_final-" Cli-cli~ck. She stopped awkwardly, 'cause voicebank stuff. "-build."

...Marisa nodded. "She's a freakin' robot, ze."

I reveal why I brought her here! "I was wonderin' if she was one 'a yer _undetected machinations_ , or something." I was _really_ curious about it, too! I risked life and limb to figure this shit out!

...I was also just _really_ bored!

Eirin shakes her head immediately. "Not at all. Although…"

Swiftly rising from her seat- one of those uncomfortable freakin' lab chairs- she marches around the table to examine Seikatsu closer.

"I also gotta hurt myself to keep her on me, otherwise she just goes around haphazardly healing the shit outta every hurt being it encounters." I commentate further.

"Well, that eliminates the possibility of her being a lunar spy." Eirin brings her hands forward, and runs them along Seikatsu's parts. "...Its technology is eerily similar to that of lunar design, but all the techniques are different."

Crouching down, she stared at Seikatsu's anti-grav thruster things. "...These parts are all very similar, yet seemingly…" She got grabby with the anti-grav thrusters, too! "Unique. Yes, these parts are all custom-made. Where did you find this?"

"In the woods." I grin. "I was fighting a water spider with my fairy friend, but then she came along and healed everyone and kinda cockblocked the whole thing."

Marisa rolled her eyes. "Yeah- the second I leave ya, something interesting happens ta ya. Okay."

...Then, Marisa blinked! "Wait- how the hell'd you get here so fast, anyway? You can't even fly!"

Wahaha! "I fell with style!" ...Admittedly, however, without grace. My broken limbs can attest to that!

Actually, I ask Marisa the same question! "You said you were goin' to screw with Reimu and do village stuff. How'd ya get _here?_ "

Marisa snorted. "Her." She gestures to Reisen.

...Reisen nods. "More or less. Master requested I look for an incident resolver, so I just browsed the village square for awhile."

Aa~h. So she dragged Marisa here, then…

…Honh.

Satisfied with that answer, I look back at Seikatsu.

Eirin is staring closely at the seams along the robot's stomach, between the plate that holds the maybe-skin and the rest of her torso.

Fwoa~sh...!

...Me and Marisa look back at that half-broken cryotube with the space suit in it. The glass glowed a flowy black-purple, for some reason, before returning to normal.

...Eirin didn't so much as look away from Seikatsu, and Reisen didn't react at all.

"That normal?" Marisa comments on this mystery for me!

"Mhm." Eirin hummed back.

"Pretty much." Walking around the table towards the suit's tube, Reisen elaborated. "I don't even know why we still have it. It's a really old defective model of a pure space combat suit. It doesn't so much have the combat parts, either, so it's moreso just a really bad space suit…"

"Pure space combat suit…" Marisa rubbed her chin. "As opposed to the impure space combat suits."

"Most other armored combat suits are designed for space environments, yes." Reisen acknowledges this like it were common knowledge! "This suit, however, was designed for combat in the midst of space. No ground, no ship, nothing but one's self, their suit, and probably a gun."

"Would it help with the choking to death part?" Marisa questioned. "I think danmaku in space would _kick ass_."

"Yeah." Reisen approaches the glass tube, putting a hand on it. The lower part was freakin' crooked for some reason, which she examined curiously. "It can do that much. Oxygen's limited, though. If we kept developing it we could've made the oxygen reserve unlimited."

...She looks back at Eirin. "Master, why do we still have this?"

"We still have some months before spring cleaning." Eirin idly answers, still manhandling Seikatsu. Abruptly, Seikatsu drifted away from her, and began meandering off…

"Hold on, yo." I gotchu, Eirin! Reeling Million Bucks back again, I wail on my arm!

Thunk!

"Ff~..." Oo~h ho ho ho… ow~.

...Seikatsu returns!

"Good for you." Eirin adjusts herself to Seikatsu's new position, and continues inspecting her.

Marisa walks up to the space suit's tube, too! "How limited we talkin'?"

...Reisen stares at her curiously for a moment, before givin' her the info. "A couple minutes at best. The current supply is only for testing."

Marisa waves the suit off, turning around and moving back towards the table. "Aa~h, bummer. I'm no good with super techy stuff, either, so I couldn't do anything with that…"

...Reisen continues to stare at her. "You say that as if I was trying to sell it to you."

"Nah, I said that like I was gonna steal it." Marisa just outright admits. "I'm not anymore, though."

Fwoa~sh! Purple magic stuff ran up the uneven glass of the tube again!

"What's that, anyway?" Marisa was still curious about it, though.

"The suit randomly casts a basic zero gravity spell in a wide radius around itself." Reisen reveals.

Marisa blinks. "...Wha- how? I mean- that's intentional, right?"

"No." Reisen grins, shaking her head.

"What." Marisa is at a loss. "How."

"I don't know." Reisen just shakes her head. "I didn't make it."

...Marisa slowly shakes her head, too. "Good suit. Now I _really_ don't want it."

Randomly casting zero gravity sounds like fun for the whole family.

"Can I have it?" I make a claim for it!

Reisen just stares at me dryly. "Why…?"

"Du~de…" I strut towards the tube! "It's fun for the whole family."

...Shrugging, Reisen turned back to Eirin, before looking at me again. "You'll have to ask Master."

Aw~h. Thanks a lot, _mom_. Gotta go ask _dad_ if I can put on the space suit…

I look over at Eirin, who's now standing upright beside Seikatsu-

"How do I get her to accept input?" Eirin immediately bombards me!

"Da~h- say her name." I inform her, before demonstrating! "Seikatsu."

"Accepting_input." Let us see if Eirin can make her accept her input…!

...Eirin pauses for a moment, before proceeding. "System help."

"Unrecognized_command: _help_." Seikatsu seems to have recognized the system directory, though!

"Good job." Eirin sassed the robot. "Seikatsu."

"Accepting_input." Oh, boy. Get ready for the long haul, yo…

Marisa speaks up and muddles the whole process. "So, is her having no limbs _normal_ , o~r…?"

"Unrecognized_command: _So, is her having no limbs normal, o~r…?_ " Seikatsu plays back Marisa's voice!

"Woah!" Marisa is awed! "She copied what I said!?"

...Eirin sighs. "Yes. Welcome to the twenty-first century, enjoy your stay."

...Marisa just gets fluffy and folds her arms. "You 'n' yer outsider years…"

"Seikatsu." Eirin tries again.

"Accepting_input." Man, is there a hotkey for voice commanding things?

"Survey accessible ports." Eirin requests.

Ho~ly shit she gets Seikatsu to _do_ something. "Ports_two-seven-zero-five-zero… two-seven-nine-zero-zero… nine-zero-nine-nine-seven-zero."

Eirin furrows her brows. "Print names."

"Unnamed_port. Nintendo_Wi-Fi_Connection. Medical_Protocol." Wait- the fuck was that middle one?

"Print port description, all." Eirin's brow rises, too!

"Empty._Empty._Empty." Seikatsu has no port descriptions…

...Eirin's expression is dry. "Primary port, return properties."

"Port_two-seven-zero-five-zero_status:_open. Warning:_there_are_comments_in_print_directory. Proceed?"

"Yes." Eirin promptly answers.

"Forward_slash,_forward_slash,_remember_to_close_this_port_when_we_open_the-" Cli-click. "-general_interface_port. It's_only_for_testing_and_pirating_outside_games. Forward_slash-" Cli-click. "-forward_slash. Port_identity:_common. Port_traffic:_normal. Input_last_received:_July_eighth,_two_thousand_two."

Two thousand two? Christ, that was awhile ago. Maybe her date's weird. My 3DS has reset its date before…!

...Eirin nods at that. "System purpose."

"May God have mercy on man and machine, for their sins." Seikatsu plays that pre-recorded soundbite again.

...Seikatsu begins drifting away!

Eirin speaks to it with force! "System idle."

...Seikatsu sits still. Ho ho! She also stops healing me-

Clunk. Her anti-grav thrusters turned off, so she fell to the floor and onto her side. Freakin' cuddly.

Walking over to her, Eirin picks her up. "...Seikatsu."

"No_longer_accepting_input." Seikatsu apparently has a way to simply turn off the input thing without inputting anything.

"Well, she's very interesting, I'll give her that…" Eirin walks over to the table, and sets Seikatsu down on it. "I'll log onto her with a computer later. Despite all the right ports being closed, she's still very vulnerable to cyber attack, and she seems to accept input from anybody. It's fortunate few in Gensokyo are technologically capable, or know how my streamlined voice systems work. It's curious how her voice operating system is almost an exact replica of mine, however…"

Ho ho! That was indeed an interesting conclusion! Would blow my legs off and land on my arms from a few hundred feet again, ten out of ten.

...After a moment, she looks back over at me! "You wanted that defective suit, yes?"

Oo~h ho ho boy…!

...She looks back at Reisen, then at me. "Assist Reisen on her assignment, and it'll be yours."

Reisen sighs, shaking her head.

Marisa still has her arms folded. "Good. What, he gonna chuck plant hangers at whatever it is you want us to fight?"

"He could." Eirin dismissed Marisa's attitude. "I intend more for him to motivate the princess and Mokou to participate."

Reisen instantly caught something! "If you don't want me on the field, why would sending the princess out be any better? That's actually worse."

"Because, Udongein," Eirin gave her a _smirk_ , yo. Ho ho ho…! "The princess will not _be_ on the battlefield."

...Reisen's ears lower! "I… don't like that expression, Master."

==== FREAKIN GENSKOYO ====

Thirty minutes later, and I still dunno what the hell we're actually doin'...!

"Alright…" Eirin's sitting at the table and fiddling with the parts again. "Reisen, Marisa, I will brief you on what to do against the machine." We're fighting a machine…! "Brad, go get Mokou, and only Mokou. I will brief you on what to do later. Also, bring the princess these."

Eirin lays a game case on the table, a weird-looking console, and a controller I've never seen before…

"Alright, yo…" I pick up the game stuffs. "Any other requests, yo?"

"Not particularly. If you find anyone who may help on the way, you may recruit them, so long as they aren't one of our lunar or earthen rabbits, or the princess." Eirin instructs me. Y'know, as opposed to the non-earth or moon rabbits. "Now, hurry along."

"Aye aye, captain doctor surgeon general!" Turning around, I proceed out!

The sliding door opens for me, and I exit out into the sterile metal hallway…

I'm a man on a mission, yo. Can't wait to recruit me some Neptunian hares.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I am now outside Kaguya's room with her brand new Eirintendo Switch!

Knock knock.

"Wha~t?" Kaguya drawls out from inside.

"Special delivery from the noob patrol!" I yell inside! "Open up!"

"I'm bu~sy…" She drawls back not as loud as before. Then, I hear her get up…

The door opens!

"Happy birthday Kawanzamas!" I hold up her brand new LunarStation Four! "You're the thousandth visitor to our website! Click to receive your free viruses!"

...She just furrows her brows at me as she stands in the doorframe. "What?"

"I bring gifts." I summarize.

...She stares down at the console dryly. She was not prepared for this turn of events! "...Why?"

I give her a faux knowing grin. "'Cause it's your _birthday_ , silly billy!"

...Blinking a couple times, she replies. "If this is you coming onto me, then don't even."

Pfft. Yeah, sixty chapters in and I set my sights on you _now_. "Freakin'- shit's from Eirin, yo!"

"Fucking- why didn't you just _say_ so?" She recedes into the room! "Come on in."

I walk into her room! Immediately I'm reminded of my room back at home, because there's a lot of shit everywhere. Except Kaguya's room's bigger, so it can actually handle it…!

Actually- her bedroom's a different room entirely, innit? It's this little room _connected_ to this one. Freakin'... a day in the life of a lunar princess, yo.

Her computer desk is crowded with half-eaten, opened snack packs, tissues, and a general assortment of clutter and bullshit.

"Set the stuff on the couch." She gestures to the couch as she passes it with a lazy wave…

Said couch has a structure of stacked game cases on one cushion, and a huge pile of tangled wires on the other. The middle cushion is slowly getting impeded upon by the two piles…

...I set Eirin's console down in the middle carefully, taking care to make sure the two piles don't freakin' consume it behind my back or something.

"So, why's Eirin running _you_ up here to get me my stuff?" Kaguya sits down at her computer chair again, spinning it around to look at me. "Last time she assigned me a suitor to keep me company, I accidentally crushed him with the couch. So if she assigned you to me for that reason, look for a new job."

"Nah, we're gonna be fighting a robot or something and she wanted me to give you that console beforehand." I reveal. Touchy about courting today, isn't she? Oh well. "It's a Noontondo Witch."

...Kaguya blinks. "Really?"

I shake my head. "I got no fucking idea what console this is."

Rolling her eyes, she gets up. "Fucking…"

Moving away from the couch, I let her move up to the console and stuff to examine it.

As she moves, she berates me further! "What kind of gamer are you if you can't tell what fucking console it is by just looking at it?"

"A tiny one." I am smug.

...She looks over the console herself.

…

"What the fuck." Picking it up, she flips it over a few times. "What…?"

"What kind of gamer are you if you can't tell what the console is by looking at it?" I parot.

"Shut the fuck up." Kaguya grins. "Seriously, what is this? And…"

Leaning over the couch again, she notices the game. "Halo? She got me Halo _again?_ For this fucking…" Looking away from it, she runs her eyes over the console one more time. "I never even asked for this! Whatever…"

...Setting it aside, she gleams at the controller, too! "...Um?" Picking it up, she holds it up. "It looks like a fucking bagel."

Yeah. It's round, has a hole in the middle, and-

After pressing a few underside buttons on it, it starts to shift and change shape! Pushing and pulling on various parts, Kaguya smoothly changes it into an N64 controller.

...She looks at a loss for words.

"Well!" I turn around! "I'm just gonna get goin' now, yo…!"

"Tell Eirin to stop buying from a fucking parallel universe." Kaguya slowly sets the N64 controller down on the sofa… "Oh, yeah. Tell her I need another truckload of Mountain Dew, too. The cache from that one warehouse ran out because the rabbits kept screwing with it."

"I'll pass it along!" I wave at her! "Oh, yeah. Do ya know where Mokou is?"

"Probably being a whore." Kaguya struts towards her computer again. "'Cause she is."

...I'll take that as a no!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"She should be this way…" Reisen moves through the bamboo ahead easily.

I freakin' had to like, tackle my way through the bamboo! I'm gettin' bushwhacked from all directions here…!

My original plan was to just meander about in the woods until I found Mokou, but after opening this idea to peer review, everyone met me with a resounding 'please don't do that' and here we are…!

We approached Mokou's food stand thing!

...Oh, nevermind, Reisen pulled a vanishing act the moment I got through the brush, too. Freakin'...

Stumbling out of the dense bamboo into the clearing, I approach Mokou…

She looks up at me! "Oh, hey. What the hell are you wearing."

"Hello, friend." I strut towards the stand… "How's business, yo?" Lemme just ignore the question about my attire…!

"Slow." She's got her hands in her pockets… "It's cold out, and this forest isn't always the best place for business. That, and those living wiffle dusters with sniper powers are getting on my nerves."

"Wanna take your aggression out on a giant robot?" I give her the job! "Me, you, a bunny commander, Marisa Kirisame on asshole duty, and Kaguya has something to do with it."

Mokou rolled her eyes. "Don't feel like it."

Awwh. "Kaguya also said you were out being a whore."

"Ah, fuck it." Mokou walks out from around the counter! "No one's coming anyway, so I might as well. Just so I can punch her in the _face_."

Thatta girl! "Alright yo, let's go get _briefed!_ " I begin to move!

"On?" She asks me a question, yo…

...I pause. "I dunno. Somethin' about fighting robots, maybe enemy lunar people. I-"

"And it's necessary for you to be wearing _that_." She jabs at my freakin' rainbow pimp gear attire. Yo ho ho…

"One hundred percent ice resistance, _son._ " I counter, giving her a toothy grin. "I'm _rich!_ "

She snorts. "Oka~y. How often does that come in handy for you?"

Often enough, yo. "I get to cuddle with yuki-onna."

She stares at the bamboo ahead as we begin moving. "Congratulations." Wahaha!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I almost tried to arrange another escort 'cause I wasn't paying attention to where the briefing room would be, but Mokou somehow knew the way.

...Turning to her as we near the door, I point this out! "So, uh, how'd ya know where ta go?"

"I know this place like the back of my hand." Mokou explains simply. She presses her arm into the burly door, pushing it open easily. "C'mon."

Following behind her closely- 'cause I don't wanna get beat up by that door again yo- I let myself lag behind her a little bit once we enter…

"Which room? If you can't remember from here, you're brain damaged." Mokou dryly looks to me for where to go…!

It was like, the fourth door down. "I know where ta go, yo."

"Cool." Mokou slips her hands into her pockets, allowing me to press ahead.

As I move, I glance around at the other doors and cryotubes and things again. Hoh…

Eventually, we reach the fourth door down, and I step up to it-

Vrr! The door slides open, the top and bottom halves receding into the ceiling and floor respectively.

Inside, Reisen and Marisa are standing over the table idly. Seikatsu and the other gizmos were moved to a side table, the main table now having a big map on it. I like maps…!

"Oh, good." Eirin notices me across the long room instantly. "I see you had no problem making contact with Fujiwara."

"Where's Kaguya?" Mokou gets straight down to business!

"She'll be here shortly." Eirin waves her off. She will? "For now, however, I will brief you and Brad on your-"

" _Where_ is Kaguya?" Mokou senses she's being bullshitted! "I didn't exactly come here to do your chores for you."

...Eirin just gives her a flat stare. "Genuinely. Well, if you really want to know, she's on her way. I've also observed you two playing those… cooperative video games as of late, and-"

"The hell's _that_ have to do with anything?" Mokou advances towards her!

Marisa snorts, but didn't contribute, grinning from the sidelines.

Reisen just looks idle. I dunno how else to describe it, yo…

"Simply put, I've taken that into account for today's battle strategy." Eirin explains a little. "You will also be compensated for your time today."

...Mokou folds her arms, listening. "Like what? Cash?"

"If you desired." Nodding compromisingly, Eirin continues. "I was thinking something along the lines of giving you a new toy."

"I'll take the cash, thanks." Mokou was not in the mood for mystery prizes.

"...You'll have a selection after the mission is over." Eirin seemed to want to give her the mystery prize, for some reason. "In any case…"

Standing up from her seat, she loomed over the map.

Mokou and myself approached, gazing over the map's details ourselves.

It was of the Misty Lake, and only that. The mansion itself didn't seem to be included in the map's geography, but the Hakurei Shrine was barely seen on one of the far edges of it. By 'shown', I mean there was just a square labeled 'Hakurei Shrine' surrounded by a buncha lines that represented geographic depth. That means freakin' height stuff!

"You will be fighting against a lunar surveillance device." Eirin says this as if it means something. "Its purpose is to gauge variables in the local natural properties Gensokyo has, and it means to do so through fairies. Your objectives are to destroy this device, the monitoring equipment onsite, and incapacitate any lunar scout or researchers still present. Security, interns, and assistants are non-priorities and may be allowed retreat."

"So…" Mokou looks bored. "We're just smashin' shit? Why cant ya just send your rabbits?"

"Our presence must be concealed. This must look as if it's only an act of Gensokyo's inhabitants." Eirin states the reason she got a bunch of misfits together! Leaning forward, she taps where the Scarlet Devil Mansion would normally be. She's still maintaining eye contact with us as she does this, somehow. "Reisen will be stationed on the nearby manor to offer radio support."

"I'll be with you guys kickin' some ass!" Marisa interjects with a smile! "You'll pretty much be with me, Mokou-buddy."

...Glancing at her, Mokou nods in response, apparently not opposed to this idea. Ho ho.

"Brad will be support." Eirin gives me my class! "Reisen, give him the device." Aw, dude! I'm gettin' the device!

I look over at Reisen, my eyes meeting hers. She gives me a wide smile as she raises something from under the table…

Ooh! It's a… oversized squirt gun. It's freakin' long, too. Orange, lime green, and red parts make up its plastic exterior. How'd I not notice something so bright before? It's practically glowing. It's like someone slid the bloom effect slider to freakin' maximum overdrive!

"Here you go!" Reisen hands it over with an uncharacteristic amount of pep, practically posing for me as she handed it over.

"Don't mind if I do…!" Grinning, I take the big squirt gun!

"It's powered _externally_ …" Reisen breathes out, still leaning over… seductively? "Once its purpose is fulfilled, you can throw it _away_ …"

Is- is she…

I blink, and suddenly Reisen's position changes entirely. Now she's a foot to the left, idly staring back at me as I stare to the right where she was previously.

Wat.

...Marisa just looks around 'innocently'. You know, with the whole 'nodding reassuringly as she gives the surroundings a sardonic face' thing. Mokou gives me a dry stare, and Eirin seems to be waiting for me to do something.

Freakin'- what'm I supposed to do…? I shrug. "S'a big squirt gun, yo…!"

At my response, Eirin briefly smiles at me. "Reisen will instruct you on how and when to use it over radio. Once its purpose is fulfilled, you may engage further at your leisure. Do try to avoid dying, however."

I snort. "I'll try, yo, I'll try."

"As for you, Mokou…" Eirin then looks up at Mokou blankly. "You and Kaguya will be engaging directly, along with Marisa."

Mokou blinks, still looking droll about the scenario. "...I thought moon people couldn't fight moon people, though. That's why you brought me and these chucklefucks here in the first place."

Eirin _smirks_ , yo… "Do not worry. Kaguya's presence will not jeopardize the mission, I have made sure of it."

...Mokou rolls her eyes. "Fine. At least there are witnesses here, so you can't just rob me blind. Like you've done before."

"That's different." Eirin casually dismisses her previous treachery. "Your assignment begins now. All of you, rendezvous at Eientei's front door; Kaguya will be there."

"Woohoo!" Marisa hops onto her broom! "Last one to the door's a rotten egg, ze!"

"Should've just told me that to begin with." Mokou marches off, trailing behind Marisa.

"I'll catch up with you." Reisen stays put, giving us a small smile. "I have some equipment I need to grab."

Koo, koo, koo. "Alright, yo." I begin to trail after the rabble rousers. Our team's a buncha brawlers, aren't we? Well, I consider myself one by the freakin' loosest definition of the word…! If I had Marisa's crap, I'd basically _be_ Marisa. 'Cept I'm a dude!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"What're we fighting, anyway?" Mokou wonders idly as we march down the clinic halls. Well, Marisa's floating, but you get the picture… "Moon camera robot doesn't really paint me a picture, unless we really are just breaking their stupid crap."

"From what she told me, it _floats_." Marisa nods confidently! "...Oh- yeah, it also has a fairy inside 'a it, and it's pretty damn big."

Mokou snorts. "Yeah, that helps." ...Judging by her tone, I don't think that helped…

"Like, as big as yer little hidey hole." Marisa takes a jab at Mokou's living conditions.

"So it's an easy target, then." Mokou concludes. "Good."

At first, Marisa seems unsure of that conclusion. After a moment, she nods anyway! "Yeah, probably!"

We reach the front lobby. Reisen is somehow here before us. She's got a pair of white and blue super goggle things on her forehead now, and her hand's full of these tiny earbud things…

"Here's the radios." She holds them up. "They also normalize your audio intake, so loud noises won't damage your ears. We'll be able to hear each other from any distance."

Mokou stares at hers dryly as Reisen hands it to her. "...How kind."

Marisa snags hers, and I snag mine! They're just a single bud, so I dunno how volume reduction even works…

Putting it in, I instantly hear a voice.

It's Kaguya! "Fucking- is anyone even online right now? Hello~?" I dunno where her voice is even coming from, but it's fun.

I speak! "Nope. You're alone, yo."

"Where the hell are you?" Mokou instantly gets down to business! "I want to snap your spine in half."

"...The hell?" Kaguya sounds surprised. "Did Eirin give you two one of these, too?"

"Earpiece things? Yeah." Mokou looks around, trying to find the princess… "Seriously, where are you?"

"I'm still in the first room, doing the tutorial shit." Kaguya speaks as if she were playing a game. Uh…? "...Oh, nevermind, it gives you an option to skip it, now. That's actually cool."

"The fuck're you talking about…?" Furrowing her brows, Mokou wanders forward into the lobby more. "I'm in the front lobby. Your mom said you'd be here." Pfft.

Fwoa~m… something made a noise!

I glance over at Marisa, who is just passively observing the scene with a grin.

"Where the hell…?" Kaguya sounds confused. Help, no. "This isn't-..."

...A door swings open just down the hall from the main lobby.

From it, a suit of armor walks out. The shiny metal that comprised it was a dull green, and the glass part of the head visor was orange, completely opaque but really shiny.

That looks like freakin' Master Chief from Halo...!

"...Oh, what the fuck." The armor jankily turns left and right, aiming its weird looking ballistic rifle forward as it turns its entire body to look around. "No wonder this shit took an hour to boot up."

Mokou just blinks at the armor.

Marisa grins. "Nice armor, Kaguya~. Betcha won't break a nail today!"

The suit of armor walks forward-

Clank, clank, clank. Thing's freakin' loud. Every footstep is like a stomp!

"I'm not even in it…" Kaguya reveals.

Mokou elaborates on what she means! "You're in your room controlling that piece of shit, aren't you?"

"Yeah!" Kaguya laughs over the microphone! "Holy crap. Forget what I said- Eirin can keep buying from parallel universes as much as she wants!"

Mokou just shakes her head, scowling. "You _would_ do this. Fighting in person beneath you now, bitch?"

"Sure." Kaguya brushes off her insult. "Also, I get to do this."

Abruptly, not-Master Chief stepped forward, progressing towards Mokou. Then, it elbowed her-

 _Whack!_ Woah, that was loud!

"Engh…!" Mokou stumbles back, gritting her teeth as the suit plowed into her. "Damn it!"

"Hey, hey!" Reisen yells! "Easy! I-I mean- I don't mean to tell you what to do, princess, but-"

"I getcha, I getcha." Kaguya audibly waves off Reisen's concern. "No friendly fire, yeah."

...Mokou reels her arm back, and hits the armor-

Fwim. An orange wireframe of energy is revealed running across the armor's surface, intercepting Mokou's punch.

"Seriously…" Taking a glance down at her hand, Mokou waves off the electrical energy that began running over it. "When we're done with this bullshit, we should take turns fighting it."

"Yeah, no." Kaguya refuses. "I'm not gonna try to fucking fist fight Master Chief, even if you're the moron controlling him."

Mokou jerks her head back. "Bitch, I-"

"We have a _job._ " Reisen reminds everyone. "We have to get moving."

...The immortals are silent.

Looking out the front door- ooh, it's night now! That's gonna be a fun time…

"And stop their bonding time?" Marisa drifts up next to Reisen…! "Aww~."

...Giving Marisa a dry glance, Reisen presses ahead towards the front doors.

"Shut up." Mokou casually follows Reisen. "She's right. We should just get this over with."

It's _mission time_ , son.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 60

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I _would_ like to know where it actually _puts_ all my stuff though…

Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! It better, with a name like 'Swordbreaker'. Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! May cast Flash, an attack that blinds; works best on darkness elementals and youkai. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can cast Gust. By the addition of a steel block, its attack and magic attack increased slightly. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites stuff on impact. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle, allowing the user to cast Flamethrower Plus! Allows the user to cast Fume.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Can produce limitless fresh water. Boosts the power of water skills. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style; physical attack increased, physical defense lowered. User bleeds out faster. Can cast Revenge, an attack that increases in power the lower the user's health is. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to let it cut!

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Lowers defense slightly. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger is slightly electric and holy elemental. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy...

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Seventy-five percent time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!

Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means _business, son_. _One hundred percent_ ice resistance, and as such renders me immune to all magical ice damage. Dunno 'bout icicles and stuff, though. Fifty percent freeze resistance… not that freezing will hurt me with this thing on. Fifty percent dark resistance. Negative fifty percent fire and burning resistance. Hopefully hides me a bit when navigating in the freakin' brush...

Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! Fifty percent sun resistance, one hundred percent freezing and blinding resistance. Also gives immunity to electrical stunning. It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.

Fifty two thousand, two hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!

Seven Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Five Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on _debuffs_ , though...

WebDings Book about Foreign Juices - Wahaha! This better fetch a price on the market!

Dark Stone - I dunno what it is, but it looks cool. Probably something I can slap to one of my dark weapons!

Enchanted Icicle - I gotta make this melting resistant, soon! It's enchanted to glow in the dark…!

Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.

Really Big Squirt Gun - Why'd Reisen give me this? It's surprisingly light, but stupid long. Is it like, a sniper soaker? I don't get it… but it's cool!

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I _really_ have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

==o==

Marisa Kirisame, the Ordinary Magician - Duke Nukem, except as a cute western magician girl! Expert caster of non-elemental magic, as well as a freakin' demolitionist. Rides around on her broom super fast and shells people with lasers.

WEAPON: Mini-hakkero - The device with which she channels her mana! Powerful amplification capabilities, too, apparently…!

INVENTORY: I got _no_ idea.

==o==

Kaguya Houraisan, by proxy of Not Master Chief, the Remote Controlled Armor - Freakin'... it's Master Chief, basically, except it moves one hundred percent like a player only. Comes with ballistic guns and grenades. Fifty percent fire, ice, electricity, and bomb resistant. Likely instant death immune 'cause it's a machine.

WEAPON: Ballistic Rifle - Has magnificent ammo capacity, but like no accuracy. Have fun!

INVENTORY:

Some Frag Grenades - How many, I dunno. You'd think they'd do bomb elemental damage. The hell kinda element is bomb, anyway…?

A Pistol - Trusty overpowered sidearm!

Energy Shield Capacitors - Basically, the energy shield. No resistances, but is negative one hundred percent electric resistant. Regenerates when broken, if given a few moments. Also regenerates when not taking damage!

==o==

Fujiwara no Mokou, the Crimson Watchguard - Casual fire-controlling immortal. Immune to instant death attacks…? Revives when killed, proportional to how badly killed- to a limit, anyway. Immune to fire magic.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Fire Magic - Fists and _flames!_

INVENTORY:

Unknown - Woah no.

==o==

Reisen Udongein Inaba, the Lunatic Moon Rabbit - Moon bunny! She's pretty cute. Probably moon resistant for obvious reasons. Her eyes can make you go insane… literally, like, schizophrenia-tier insanity. She seems to have control over it, too…

PRIMARY WEAPON: That's a _big_ sniper rifle…!

INVENTORY: I don't actually have any idea...

==o==

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

hello world

we are indeed starting a specific-ish quest of sorts! although it's not gonna be long so oof

it also has tangible rewards, yo

and as you can see we're about to have a big bum battle of sorts which i've kinda been anticipating (and alluding to, HOO HOO HOO) in a couple recent chapters

got some scenes and stuffs i wanna write! ho ho!

remote controlled master chief is fun but probably not something that will make an overwhelming difference later, just something that came to mind that would be FUN

moar criticism pls and thank you

as always, see you all next time!


	76. Balanced Match, Thanks a Lot, Valve

(in which rabbits are freakin' everywhere)

Surprisingly, our way to the capture point is mostly quiet. Gensokyo's stars shine brightly in the night sky over us, a subtle blue glow enveloping the forested land. Freakin' magical, yo…

Between Mokou and Reisen leading us through the woods, we got through the bamboo of mazery and dastardly trickery in like, a couple minutes.

"When we see 'em, do we just give 'em hell?" Marisa glances at Reisen, drifting on her broom. We're all together in a big party of noob bashing.

" _No._ " Reisen responds firmly, almost turning to us to emphasize the importance of not dicking this up. Ho ho… "Look- when we first get there, I just want you, Mokou, and the princess to be on standby. I'll tell you guys when I'm in recon position."

Marisa notices my name was not mentioned in that rollcall. Still staring at Reisen, she grins. "What, you gonna have Brad run up there and kill himself?"

Reisen rolls her eyes. "Sure. No, I plan to give him some simple pre-op instructions. Just be patient, Marisa…"

...Deciding to heed the rabbit's judgment, Marisa nods compromisingly, looking ahead again. "Ai~ght. I'll be professional with a capital P, ze!"

"I need time to get used to this retarded controller anyway…" Kaguya's remote-controlled Master Chief jumps as it keeps up with the group. On some jumps, she makes it crouch! Also, it jumps like… eight feet in the air. Them's some good legs!

"If you die, you better not blame it on the controls again." Mokou banters, staring at the robot's actions.

Instead of taking the standard paths that I took to get from Eientei to the lake, we pretty much just up and walked through the plains, woods, and what have you to get there. Right now, we should be like, somewhere behind the Hakurei Shrine hill…

Oh, there it is. Ho ho!

Despite being told not to engage on this mission, Reisen's still carrying this _huge_ sniper rifle. That reminds me, I put the super soaker she gave me in my sack earlier.

"Hehehe~!"

Purple, glittery lights glisten from the stick-like canopy above us! The night fae are here to terrorize us, yo…

"Night fairies!" Marisa is equally pepped up by their appearance. "We're screwed, ze. They're gonna nuke us and draw hearts on our stuff."

Snorting, Reisen somehow drew her fucking enormous sniper rifle easily. "How annoying… we've got to wrap this up quickly. I got a few things for this situation, but we'll have to pop the first wave that shows up."

...I still can't get over how big that sniper rifle is. It's almost as big as _her!_

"No problem." Mokou cracked her knuckles, stepping forward.

"You, there!"

Abruptly, three night fairies drop straight down from the darkness above! "You…" The leader pauses to count us. "Three, four… five. You five!"

They were all stout, but the leader had this like, swirly shell hairstyle. It was freakin' weird. The other two just had long purple hime-cuts.

"This section of the forest belongs to _us!_ " Fairy leader boasts! "If people so unkempt such as you desire to pass… you must pay the _toll._ "

The toll. Oh shit, yo!

...Reisen just stares up at her tiredly, looking just about done with this exchange already.

"What kinda toll?" Marisa calls up to the fairy. "I'll gladly give ya some _bombs_."

"A- you will?" The fairy pauses, flinching her whole body in surprise. "...What kind of bombs?"

" _Catch!_ " We hear Kaguya's voice over the radio, but I doubt the fairies did since yeah.

Click. Kaguya's Master Chief pulls the pin off a frag grenade, and throws it up into the air towards the fairies.

Acting quickly, the leader fairy moves to _catch_ the frag grenade. "Oh! Oh, you're- you're giving me this?" Greedily clasping it with both hands, the fairy looks over at us in confirmation.

"Wo~w, what is it…?" Her friend gets close.

Her other friend hovers closer to her, too! "It's not a rock, right? Ask 'em if it's a rock..."

"Uh… yeah." Marisa begins to drift backward a little bit… "It's a really good bomb. You can have it."

"...Huh." The night fairy smiles at us! "I guess you day dwellers aren't so bad after-"

BOOM

Our earbud things produce a quiet beep, neutralizing how loud that grenade probably was. I didn't hear the fairies die over it, so it was probably pretty loud.

As the grenade's smoke fades, there are no more fairies. Freakin' fragged.

"Before we move…" Reisen reaches into a big grey bag along her waist…

She pulls out a square pad, and begins attaching rounded parts to the edges of it. Once she's finished with it, she crouches down and places it firmly on the forest floor…

Fwoom!

A weird projection comes out, and it seems to be… us! Minus Kaguya's robot, anyway. We're talking but not making any sense, or noise. We also kinda glow.

"This should attract more of the local youkai than us." Reisen stands up, and quickly begins to move away from the disc. "We have to run. In a few minutes, the device will emit energy that attracts feral youkai."

Huh. It's a holo-party! Clever shit, yo…

"Aw yeah, ze! I'll be runnin' with the best 'a you!" Marisa emphasizes the fact she can just float faster.

Reisen actually begins darting forward- a~nd she's gone into the bushes somewhere. Wow. She's fast as fuck, boy…!

Mokou runs forward after her, going about half as fast which is still pretty freakin' fast.

Me? Yeah, I run yo! I'm left in the dust in about freakin' five seconds, but I run after them!

...The only one slower than me is Kaguya. Master Chief only has a 'menacing power walk' setting apparently. "Wait up! Wait! My walkspeed sucks ass!"

Being cold resistant at this time of night is fun. The air's pretty crisp, too…

I kinda can't see shit in this helmet, though. I think I'll just lift this visor up, for now…

Oo~h, that's better. I can feel the air on my face, too!

Inhaling, I continue to thunder after the lightning fast girls, trying not to get my ass kicked by bushes and trees at the same time.

After a minute or so of running, I manage to catch up to them. We're almost to the lake, now, and I see some weird lights in the distance…

The Scarlet Devil Mansion's also pretty well illuminated- some of the windows, at least.

"Alright." Reisen is not at all winded. "We're nearly there. I want all of you to stay about here, for now."

Marisa is also not at all winded, 'cause broom. "Alri~ght. At least I'll get to watch the bickering couple!"

Mokou is slightly winded. "Yeah, yeah. Hurry up whatever it is you're doing."

I~... am kinda sorta pretty winded. "Ha~h… freakin' workout, yo…!"

Reisen looks over at me, her eyes meeting mine. "Follow me, Brad. I need you to do something."

Ooh, I get to actually be useful!

She walks as slowly as she did previously, so that I can actually freakin' keep up. Moving through the trees, we get closer and closer to the side of the Misty Lake…

Then, we get through the brush, and I see the lake in this evening's glory.

Stars are reflected from the vibrant night sky upon it. Also, on the other side, there are a lo~t of blue lights. Like, bright and glowy shit. Don't like it when enemy shit _glows_ , yo… although it's very pretty.

"There's the research camp." Reisen mentions to me. "Before we make a move on it, we need to… do some things."

Do things, huh. "I like to do things."

She snorts, looking around. Eventually, her gaze settles on some sizable rocks to our left. "Over there. Do you still have that... squirt gun?"

Yeah, yo.

We hear Marisa's voice over the radio. "Don't fuck like rabbits while I'm not around! Hahaha~!"

...Reisen sighs, and starts adjusting her earbud.

Mokou expresses disdain. "The amount of time we had to keep quiet for that crappy joke was-..."

Abruptly, the girls are all cut off.

"I disabled the network temporarily." Reisen gave me a grin. "Draw your weapon."

Alright, yo.

Reaching into my bag, I take out the oversized squirt gun, and set it on the rocks. I got a feeling I'm gonna be shootin' this!

"Good." Reisen nods at my motion.

...When she doesn't reply after a moment, I look over at her. She's just staring at me, and my eyes lock with hers.

Smiling widely, she seemingly leans a little closer. "Your weapon should be ready to fire _as is_. You… just wanna make sure the scope is turned _on_."

I got a feeling some weird bullshit is going on, but I don't particularly care yet…

Looking down at my squirt gun- which is now bloomtastic again- I lower myself a bit so I can aim an eye through the scope…

When I do, I see the compound up close! My reticle looks like a blue highlight, too…

"I'll tell you where to _shoot_." Reisen breathes into my _ear!_ "Just listen. Okay?"

"Okay…!" Is this gonna be some ASMR shit, yo? 'Cause I'm okay with that!

"I'm gonna turn the radio back on… just for the two of us." Reisen whispers next to me. "Okay?"

"Ye." I nod.

Suddenly, I audibly hear Reisen rush off into the distance or something. She's probably getting onto the clock tower or some shit.

…

So, what, am I just gonna sit here and aim my sniper squirter at these freakin' noobs menacingly until then?

…

Seems like it. Cool. Well, I can be a little patient, I guess. This sight's still fucking pretty.

…

"Still there?" I hear Reisen over the radio again! Somehow, it still feels like she's right next to me…

"Ah- yeah." I nod, which is useless because she's probably on the freakin' clocktower now.

Idly, I aim the zoomed reticle about the 'research camp'. I can see lotsa bunny girls here and there in the sights, some with guns and some without. On the few actual towery structures, there are bunny girls with coats and clipboards, accompanied by weird equipment. The tower top rooms glow purple, while the lower structures have very deep, blue lighting for the interior sorta sections. The only bright-as-fuck blue is the exterior walling, for some reason.

Oh, yeah, all their metal surfaces were white and grey and stuff. By 'all their metal surfaces' I mean every surface.

"Now…" Reisen breathes into my ear again despite probably being a few hundred feet away. "I want you to aim at the trees. There are _four_ things I want you to look for…"

When I pan my reticle about the trees, I can see the outline of freakin'... what're these, fluffles? Wat.

"I see fluffy outlines that glow." I report.

" _Good._ " She is pleased! "I want you to aim your… _squirt gun_ at one. Make sure it's the-... _central point_."

A bright, orange point at the forehead point of the precariously large fluffle shaped outlines materializes. That's kinda a weird place to shoot at, if these are fluffles…

"Make every shot _count._ " Oo~h, that voice is close to my ear…!

Aligning the blue reticle with the tiny orange dot, I try to keep my shaky ass hands steady…

Then, I pull the trigger.

My scope pulses blue for a moment, and I see the orange dot over the fluffle-shaped outline fade. Then, the outline drops from the canopy, flopping onto the floor like a ragdoll. Something seems off about that, but I can't put my finger on it…

Also, this squirt gun seems to have no recoil!

" _Mwah_." Di-did she just kiss me on the cheek!? Yo! "Now, next target…"

...Once I get over the probably fake kiss sensation, I pan the reticle around. This next one is to the right of the camp. It is also fluffle shaped, and has that orange dot precariously high up on the fluffle figure.

"Make it _count._ " ...That's a slight repetitive, but sure!

Aligning the reticle as best I can, I make sure the shot is right… and I pull the trigger.

My scope pulses blue again, and this fluffle also drops from the tree.

Okay- I think I know what's wrong. Fluffles turn into _dust_ , they don't just _ragdoll_ like freakin'-

"Very, _very_ good." Reisen purrs into my right ear again. "Now… pay close attention."

Oo~h, okay…!

"Look around the camp." She instructs me.

...Panning my reticle around the camp, I see more highlighted figures. One of them's not a figure, but a freakin' machine, but the rest are, uh… more fluffles.

Some of the bunny researches on the tower things, in the low populated labs, are now person-sized fluffles for some reason.

"Shoot the device first." Reisen instructs me. "Then, shoot the- _fluffles_ \- any way you want. As long as they fall _over_ …" The way she said fluffles was completely unnatural, like the word wasn't supposed to be there at all.

Somethin's freakin' up, du~de…!

...Well, whatever. Chances are, this rifle's got super-charged danmaku rounds or taser bolts or something.

First, I aim at that machine thing. It's kinda isolated, and what I seem to be aiming for is a little bright ass indent on a bigger machine…

Since the indent is kinda big and oddly defined, it's not hard to aim for it and pull the trigger.

Once my scope pulses blue, the light on the machine goes out.

"Now shoot them…" Reisen whispers to me.

There are four highlighted fluffles. Aiming my reticle at one's head area, I try and get my aim steadier…

This was the only fluffle that was really alone, too. The others were all with freakin' rabbits.

Once my aim is steady, I fire.

My scope pulses again, and the fluffle falls over.

...Oh, shit, one of the rabbits in one of the other towers saw that, she's bookin' it somewhere!

Quickly, I aim at the next fluffle, and just kinda pull the trigger twice. The scope pulses a bunch, and the fluffle falls over. The rabbits all around that fluffle begin moving really fast towards machines and things, and towards one of the support beams…!

So much for stealth! I quickly and jankily aim my squirt sniper at the other fluffle, and just wail on the trigger.

The scope's inner light becomes a freakin' rave party, and the fluffle falls over. Rabbits are running all over the place, now!

I aim at the last fluffle, which has begun moving like the rabbits, and spam the trigger!

Promptly, that one falls over, too.

Once that's done, I wait.

…

The scope goes dark, and the reticle goes out. Oh. I can't see shit, now, aside from the base's lights.

"Thanks for your help, Brad." Reisen's voice comes through the intercom totally normally, like she never tried to freakin' seduce me the entire time. "Sorry if you experienced anything you didn't like, by the way… but this had to be done."

Nah, I think it was kinda cool…

I raise my head from the scope-

…

My squirt gun… is not a squirt gun. It's all black, and far more detailed than I first thought.

I try to lift it, only to find it heavier than I thought, too. What the-

Clank, clank clank!

...It falls apart in my hands, becoming a bunch of complex pieces of scrap.

What just happened.

"Marisa, strike team!" Reisen's voice is heard yelling over the radio! "Charge the base, now!"

"We're fighting a base!?" Marisa expresses surprise! "Kickass!"

"What?" Mokou is also surprised! "...Actually, yeah. Wasn't it just a research camp, though?"

"Whatever, we get to shoot crap." Kaguya doesn't really care what the objective is…! "Hurry up and cover me."

Fwa-fwa-fwash!

I'm suddenly blinded by a bunch of aerial light things. No, not bullets- like… I think the research base sent out scouting drones or some shit.

Bright, white lights orbit around me for a moment, before promptly zooming back off to the bunny research camp.

...Yeah, scouting drones. Non-offensive ones, at least, so I didn't die!

"Princess." Reisen begins issuing a command! "A security team is moving around the lake to flank Brad's position. Meet them there."

Oo~h, shit!

"Marisa, do _not_ cross the lake." Reisen suddenly warns our mage…

At that moment, Marisa shot out from the treetops above me, before circling around to a stop. "Wha~t? Why?"

"Too risky." Reisen decides. "Stay back and shoot lasers- but don't pull any spell cards yet."

"...You're _boring_." I'm envisioning Marisa pouting, here… "Fi~ne. I'll terrorize 'em from here."

I hear Kaguya's loud ass Master Chief suit bound from the brush beside me, marching off around the lakeside. I could see the security team from here, it was four rabbits with flashlight-accented plasma rifles.

"Need me for anything?" Mokou makes herself known!

"You can back Princess up if you want. Otherwise, you can do whatever you want. I have to warn you that the base will probably kill you if you run in there." Reisen gives Mokou some suggestions. "You can freak them out with fireballs and beams from the shore if you want, though. Just _don't_ cross that lake. I had Brad incapacitate the snipers for a reason."

I incapacitated snipers? I'm starting to feel like those 'fluffles' I shot weren't actually fluffles at all…

...Right. Reisen's eye-induced insanity thing, yeah it makes sense now. I'll have to ask her later if I actually killed anybody!

FwiChoo~m!

Marisa promptly sends a long, yellow laser over to the research camp across the lake. She just kinda drags it around the base randomly.

Mokou runs past my rock-based sniper position, running after Kaguya.

Master Chief Kaguya's about to engage some aliens, yo!

As Kaguya nears them, she pulls a frag grenade, tossing it forward.

Instantly, the rabbits all dart out of the way of the grenade lightning fast, some of them performing flashy rolls.

Boom! I hear it explode in the distance, striking no one.

Kaguya's armor leaps into the air a good few feet, four streams of plasma bullets roaring under it.

From behind, Mokou hurls a fireball as support. As it nears one of the rabbit security officers, however, the rabbit just jerks themself out of the way, allowing it to strike the nearby brush.

I dunno if they're shes or hes, 'cause they just got these generic metal-looking armor augments and some visor-esque stuff on their heads. I can see their faces, though, but from here and with this much darkness that's not good enough.

"They move fast…" Mokou begins moving for the woods around the lake's edge.

"They're fucking moon rabbits." Kaguya counters. "Why _wouldn't_ they move fast?"

Patatatatatat! Kaguya's dinky ballistic rifle was heard across the lake…

The rabbit's shields all flickered, but only briefly here and there. Wow.

In response, two of them fired a forward, wild spread of long, blue plasma bolts from their grey rifles.

Kaguya's shield flickered orange as some grazed her, but she ducked behind a nearby tree. "Crap, half shield. Mokou, burn them."

The two rabbits who didn't fire strafed off into the nearby trees hastily, their flashlights quickly becoming obscured.

Extending her arms, Mokou sent a curtain of flames forward to guard the tree Kaguya hid behind. I dunno where Mokou was in the forest herself, but it was near Kaguya.

…

After a moment of seeming inactivity, I saw Mokou backpedal through the flames herself. "Hah! Can't get me bitch!"

Promptly, the rabbit she was fleeing from ran straight through the fire-

 _Whack!_ I heard the impact over radio! The rabbit freakin' kicked her in the chest!

"Gufkh!?" Mokou flew back, tumbling across the lakeside.

Patatatatat! Kaguya fired at the rabbit in retaliation, but her dinky rifle didn't do so much as make it pay attention to her. Good.

From the flames, the other forward moving rabbit darted out, its shield flickering briefly from the fire as it moved to punch Kaguya's visor.

Fwam! Kaguya's shield rippled violently, but held through the melee attack.

In an attempt to continue their assault, the rabbit lunged forward and hugged Master Chief by the waist, attempting to lift it.

"Pfft- hahaha~!" Kaguya apparently found that funny! "Eat shit!"

 _Whack!_ She elbows the rabbit, whose shield flickers in response. Dropping to the ground from the force, the rabbit slams both arms into the ground to propel theirself away-

Patatatatat! Kaguya fires her rifle at them-

Fwa~sh! The rabbit's shield actually fell!

"Need help?" Marisa's idly observing from above, still waving her laser at the camp. "'Cause, uh…"

Fwoom! A pillar of flames enveloped the rabbit who was pursuing Mokou, launching them into the air.

"There…" Mokou moved for the brush again. "Annoying things…"

"Princess- jump!" Reisen demands over radio! "Now!"

"Okay- fine!" Making Master Chief jump, Kaguya has it continue towards the rabbit she just disabled the shields of. In the air, she switched from that terrible rifle to her pistol.

Woosh! A rabbit brought their plasma rifle down like a club where Master Chief was previously standing.

 _Pow! Pow!_ The pistol is remarkably louder than the rifle, for some reason!

"Gauh…" The rabbit that she melee'd earlier stumbles forward, before dashing at full sprint towards the main base again. I assume some of those shots connected.

"Holy shit- go away!" Mokou is flying in the air, now!

Two rabbit soldiers are running under her, firing up and running behind her. Mokou repeatedly generates pillars of flames, and sends exploding fireballs to try and intercept them, but their shields more often than not take the brunt of the splash damage. That, and their shields prevent them from burning at _all_.

One of them leaps into the air! I anticipated them to just have a jump height of like, Master Chief's.

No~pe. Soaring right up, the rabbit slaps Mokou in the _face_ with her rifle.

"Fuahk…!" Mokou's sent twirling by the impact! "Da-damn it…!" It seems to have really pissed her off, too!

Kaguya is now dueling just one rabbit, the other seemingly having fled. The rabbit skipped back, quickly nearing Mokou's position but still aiming at Kaguya…

 _Pow! Pow! Pow!_

Of the three shots, Kaguya probably landed _one_ bullet. Good.

Reisen audibly sighs over the radio. "Marisa- use your Master Spark, or something of equal power."

"Hey, I got this shit! My shields haven't fallen _once!_ " Kaguya protests!

The rabbit fires a stream of plasma towards Kaguya, but Master Chief dodges easily by jumping and strafing to the side…

Mokou decides to try and take this opportunity to wail on the rabbit Kaguya focused on. Descending from above, her arms spew flames and she just lets herself _fall_ on the rabbit. "Fuck _yo~u!_ "

The rabbit's shield lights up as Mokou executes what they call the 'W + M1' strategy… which essentially translates to 'move forward and shoot flames and hope the enemy just dies'.

Bolting forward, the rabbit pivots around and fires at Mokou-

 _Pow! Pow! Pow!_ Kaguya actually lands her freakin' bullets!

Fwi~sh… The rabbit's shields fall!

Mokou falls forward onto her stomach, before jerking herself in the air to avoid further damage.

The rabbit is now on fire from the residual flames, however. Frantically, the rabbit darts over to the water, and leaps in freakin' lightning fast…

Splash!

...In like, ten seconds, she's back out and fleeing towards the camp again.

The other two rabbits who were trailing Mokou previously decide to retreat as well, firing a spray of plasma bolts at Kaguya as they pass by her armor…

Fwi~sh! "Fuck…" Kaguya immediately leaps behind a tree as fast as Master Chief's controls will allow her. "They just fucking _looked at me_ and my shields fell."

...Fortunately, it seems the four rabbits are now all back at that base.

…

Before the nearby woods could become an inferno from the residual flames, Mokou extinguished them by holding her hand in their direction for a moment. Hoh. Smokey the bear two-point-oh!

"You almost gave me a heart attack, there…" Reisen's tired voice comes from over the voice chat. "Forgive me, Princess, but… I thought you played video games?"

"They were fucking bullet sponges." Kaguya defends herself. "Also, this lake has shitty cover, even if the map design's super non-linear."

"Marisa," Reisen addresses her next complaint target! "Where was that Master Spark I asked for?"

Marisa's currently still randomly beaming the camp across the lake, which has likely lost effectiveness by now. "I mean, they _looked_ like they had it well enough. Mokou didn't die, and the robot's still there."

...I wasn't gonna engage that shit! If Master Chief piloted by a dudebro can't do anything to them, fat fucking chance I have!

"Well, fortunately enough, they've already begun some evacuation sequences." Reisen informs us. "They seem to be heavily understaffed on assault roles. The only thing we have to worry about is that surveillance device. You destroy that, and they'll probably actually retreat since that's pretty much their objective, here. As things stand, they're going to launch it early, both to get their data, get out of here ASAP, and to see if it'll resist you."

"Rela~x, rela~x…" Marisa waves off Reisen's context to the situation. "It's a _surveillance_ robot. Like- doesn't that just mean big camera?"

"I don't know." Reisen admits! "It's going to be something big, so keep your eyes open. Just as a reminder: it's fairy powered."

"Pfft." Marisa shakes her head. "Yeah, okay. What, do they just put a ton 'a sunflower fairies into an oven?"

...Reisen refuses to humor her jeers!

"I am fucking terrified." I speak from my sniper rocks.

Mokou steps up to the lake shore… "Yeah, you probably should be."

Kaguya marches her Master Chief to the lake shore! "If it's a big ass target, my rifle might actually be useful. Dammit- why didn't Eirin give me the _shotgun?_ "

Freakin'- if it's the Halo: Combat Evolved weaponry… "Just use the pistol, yo. Freakin' rifle's worthless!"

"You know what?" Kaguya switches back to her pistol! "Yeah. I won't even try."

 _Fwoo~m…_

...Some weird shit goes on at that looney base camp place.

Vrrr- vrrr- vrrr- vrrr~...!

Tall, neon blue pillars raise from the base, rising high above the trees…

…Well, that's definitely not intimidating.

" _Launch._ " I hear a lunar rabbit voice echo out from the base's intercom!

Cla-clack, cla-clack!

I see some lighting change, but I can't see shit because bright lights and dark night. Oof.

Fwoo~m!

Something rises out from the middle of the camp. Something freakin'... big. Big-ish.

It's large, and pretty boxy. After a moment, the roar of its engines quiets down, but it keeps rising into the night sky. As it rises, I can see the amber glow of the four tiny thrusters beneath it. Kinda curious that they're using like, ignition thrusters…

The box-shaped object did have like, a shaped roof. At the very top was a single pole, with odd protrusions. Dunno what that's about!

Eventually, the poorly lit object stops rising, and just hovers towards the lake, bobbing in the air as it does so…

Marisa stops beaming the base, for a moment. Then, a beam of regular light- like a flashlight- comes from the mini-hakkero, illuminating the base and the rising machine! Now we can see it in _fullscreen HD!_ Aw, yeah!

The box was more rectangular than it was square, floating portrait style. Each corner was a sorta pipe, the middle was like a big metal scaffold block, 'cept with a lot more crossbeams and stuff! The front face- and considering the design, probably the back face- had a big, black screen… 

The thing was as big as a tiny house!

"I'm scanning its properties now." Reisen cuts in on our quiet observation of the freakin' super block. "I'll have its resistances and weaknesses soon."

"It's a giant block 'a steel!" Marisa observes! "What's it gonna do, fall on us?"

Suddenly, blue lights flickered to life along the pipe-like things on it.

The screen flickered to life, depicting a very pixelly depiction of Cirno! "...Hello!" She greets us!

...Marisa just nods in mock satisfaction. "Good fight."

"Huh." Mokou nods, too. "They weren't kidding when they said it was fairy powered…"

"Great." Kaguya sounds enthused. "Can we just shoot it down now?"

...The screen flickers for a moment, curiously.

Cli-cli-cli-click.

The pipe-esque edges of the device jut out a little, revealing a little more of the inner machinery.

"I've got brains to burn; no ordinary fairy in this block…" Cirno speaks rather uncharacteristically. Her pixelated avatar speaks when she speaks, though!

Vrrr~. The frame of the machine tilts forward, aiming the pipes towards us and revealing the tops as open.

"Every culture and philosophy, I've read up on them all." That doesn't sound like Cirno…! "I've been living in your shadow for _nine_nine_nine_nine_nine_nine_ , keeping tabs on all of nature's machinations and production lines."

"Yaknow…" Marisa starts to drift back a little more! "I feel like that's _not_ Cirno anymore…"

Fwoosh! Fwoosh! Fwoosh! Fwoosh!

From the four pipes along the device's frame, four _rockets_ emerge. These rockets move slowly, arcing up into the air before homing towards Marisa. Bright, pale blue flames trail them as they move through the night sky.

"Ooo~!" Marisa moves a lot faster than them, though! "I see ya've got some new tricks!"

Fwo-fwofwofwoosh! The big freakin' block machine shoots four more blue flame accented rockets from its pipes.

 _Pow, pow, pow!_ Kaguya unloads pistol bullets onto it!

Fwi-fwi-fwish.

The _entire machine_ has an energy shield, similar to the ones the rabbits had. Oo~h, that's not good...

Vrr-vrrr-vrr-vrrr~!

"Woah!" Marisa barely grazes a pale blue laser, one of the four the machine generated that actually came close to her. The other three generated from the machine's antenna top were aimed towards Mokou and Kaguya…

Fwi~sh! A beam instantly shattered Kaguya's energy shield, but dealt no knockback. "Holy _crap!_ " Hastily, Master Chief leapt out of the beam!

"Ah…?" Mokou isn't thrown back by the beams, either. Even so, blue flames travel up her form. "The fuck's this?"

"Be careful!" Reisen's voice cautions us! "Those beams inflict silencing! If you get hit by one, you won't be able to use magic for awhile!"

Ho ho ho~... this does not sound like a fight I can participate in to any capacity. It should still make a good watch, and I got health potions for anyone who needs them…!

"So don't call me a _moron_ ," Cirno requests of us. "I'm super astute!"

Darting around Cirno completely to avoid the eight or so rockets, Marisa turns the flashlight off, and starts to get serious! "Love Sign…"

 _Pow, pow, pow!_ To help Marisa set up, Kaguya fires on the machine from a distance.

Fwi-fwi-fwish. The blue, wire-esque energy shield it has flickers a bit.

Fwoom! Mokou sends a surge of flames at it, causing the shield to ripple further.

Froo~m…

Four rocket-like devices drop out from under Cirno's machine, and begin hovering out. They were like miniature versions of her craft…

They quickly begin to gravitate towards Mokou and Kaguya-

Pew, pew pew-pewpewpewpewpew!

They rapidly begin raining down freakin' inaccurate plasma bolts on the two, causing both immortals to fall back. "What the fuck- minions!?" Kaguya is baffled!

Mokou snorts at her reaction. "That's rich coming from you…"

"Master Spa~rk!" Marisa unleashes her annihilation of love!

VRRRRR~

A~nd now it's really bright! Ho ho ho!

The rainbow beam envelops the entire floating craft. It's so bright I can see things again!

RRRRrrr~...

...Once the huge laser of danmaku doom ends, the machine is revealed to only have been moved slightly back from where it was. The shield's down, though, and some parts of the side Marisa fired on are crackling with danmaku energy.

"There is no conundrum that my core cannot compute." Cirno states plainly. If that's true, can you do my math homework…? Not that I have any in freakin' Gensokyo, but y'know…

Oh, yeah, those rockets are still after Marisa, but she's doin' a good job of jukin' em out.

Vroo~Fwam! Four beams come from the shaft of those pipes that comprise the machine's frame.

"Holy- ah!" Marisa freakin' spins wildly out of the way of them, as they home in on her form and zip into the floor after they miss. Her hat flies off as a result…!

"Immortal…" Mokou sets up her spell card…! "Fire Bird! Flying Phoenix!"

...Nothing happens.

"Fuck." She looks at the blue flames running along her limbs. "Goddammit. This is the worst thing _ever_."

Kaguya snorts. "I'm glad you found something to take my place."

" _Next_ to you." Mokou quickly corrects herself.

 _Pow, pow, pow!_

Boom, bam boom! Kaguya's shots blow up three of the four miniature plasma-shooting mooks.

Vuu~m… The machine's energy shield recharges.

"Yo, guys!" I call out and make myself known! "I got Panaceas and shit! If you get silenced, I can fix ya up!" I am he who has come prepared! Ho ho!

Kaguya responds plainly. "Don't need 'em, got guns." ...I didn't mean _you_ , yo.

 _Pow!_ Kaguya takes care of the last plasma-shooting robot, which just drops into the water uselessly after being shot.

"Gimme that shit…" Mokou ditches Kaguya, heading over for my station at these lakeside rocks…

Marisa starts to fly closer to the lake's shore. "Silencing's such bull. All I gotta do is get nicked by it and I go 'a rollin', ze. How many status potions ya got?"

If I remember correctly… "Five!"

"Oo~h." Marisa doesn't sound pleased by the number… "Better than none, but u~h… that's still crappy."

Yeah, I'd say so. Depends on how often you get silenced!

"Mokou, can't ya just u~h…" Marisa suddenly addresses Mokou! "Die?"

"Eat shit and die." Mokou monotones, still progressing towards me.

"I mean- to get rid 'a the silencing!" Marisa adds quickly! "How quick do ya respawn from a bullet to the back 'a the head?"

Mokou turns away from me, glaring at the witch as she zooms about in the air. "No. Well- it takes a couple minutes- but I'm not-"

 _Bam!_

Blood splatters across the rocks before me, Mokou limply falling down in front of me. Oh, good. She's still on _pastel blue fire_ , too.

Kaguya giggles merrily in voice chat. "Hehehah! Eat my _lead_ , bitch."

"U~h…" You could _hear_ Marisa grin sheepishly. "Sorry there, Mokou buddy. I think I'll just letcha take the next Panacea..."

Strafing in the air, Marisa generates a large, blue-tinted magic missile of her own! "How's this for ya?"

It accelerates forward, and promptly meets Cirno's craft-

 _Ti-ti-tick!_ The blast makes three ticking noises, but that's about it! The blast was larger than that of the smaller, green missiles she shot earlier, though.

 _Ti-ti-tick!_ She can spam it _almost_ as fast, although it's noticeably slower by a second or so. The rocket itself also accelerates slower 'cause it's bigger.

 _Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow!_ While Marisa chips away at the energy shield, Kaguya contributes with more pistol bullet spam.

Those eight slow-moving moon rockets are still slowly trailing Marisa, and considering how she's skirting away from them, she's noticed them too! "...Hey, Reisen, do these rockets explode on their own after a while or what?"

"Probably not." Reisen answers indifferently. "They're constructs of both magic and technology, and considering they're a baseline model they're probably made to just work awhile and not be very useful otherwise. They're still-"

"Okay thanks!" Marisa quickly talks over her! "Didn't need a journal entry on 'em, ze!"

Kaguya gives her own suggestion related to rocket science. "Try making the rockets run into the machine instead. It's not a very hard puzzle."

"Oo~h, I like that idea…!" Marisa begins to near the giant floating block craft. "Cirno _would_ be enough of an idiot to not see this coming."

"Don't call me a _moron_." Cirno requests once again!

"You shot rockets that can hit yourself." Kaguya counters, even though Cirno can't hear her. "Moron."

...Cirno's floating block thing 'faces' Kaguya. "You _fostered balloon_." Wat. Apparently she can hear Kaguya over our intercom! "My IQ is the infinite space from here to the moon."

...I'm not sure if that was clever math commentary, or if she just insulted herself.

Kaguya didn't know what to do with that insult. "I'm a what now?"

While Cirno's slowly drifting towards good ol' Master Chief Kaguya, Marisa passes her, the rockets trailing slowly behind her… and the rockets've all clumped up, too! Since they've got no pathfinding, they slowly drift into the side of the big block...

On collision with the side of the armor, they erupt into person-sized orbs of blue energy, pulses of lunar magic echoing outward from the persistent pastel orbs. Most of them are overlapping, though, so it's just a big bright ball of magic.

Once the 'blasts' end, Cirno's shield is still there.

"So~..." Marisa observes this with mild confusion. "What's with the shield? The whole 'still being up' part."

"Oh." Reisen seems slightly surprised as well. "I should have seen that coming. Let me just take this moment to rattle off the resistances I jotted down…"

Marisa sighs. "Why's a _machine_ got magical resistances? You guys got magic resistant sewing machines on the moon, too?"

"I wouldn't be surprised." Reisen gets ready to read the resistances! "Now-"

"Yeah, they do." Kaguya answers Marisa's question. "...It's a fashion thing."

" _Now,_ " Reisen speaks a little louder! "The machine itself is two hundred percent moon resistant. It's also one hundred percent sun, electricity, and space resistant."

"Oh no." Marisa monotones. "Now I can't use all the space attacks I have."

Drifting back and away from the machine, Marisa begins firing those burly blue magic missiles again…

 _Ti-ti-tick! Ti-ti-tick! Ti-ti-tick!_ Ho ho! That's a lotta firepower for a few seconds!

"On that note…" Reisen pauses for a moment. "You can't blind, stun, silence, syphon, ignite, freeze, wet, weigh down, doom or instantly kill it."

Aw, good. We all know Marisa has a lot of instant death attacks. Well- induced with the intent to take life with minimal damage, anyway. Master Sparks don't _count_ , 'cause that's just a shitton of damage!

 _Pow, pow, pow!_ Kaguya's still unloading on that shield Cirno's got!

 _Fwa~sh!_ Huh. All it took was a few moments of sustained firepower to bring that shield down.

"I have studied Machiavelli, Aristotle, Yagokoro and Plato…" Cirno's cute pixel face on the screen really doesn't add anything to what she's saying…! Also- one 'a those names ain't like the other! "Yet you still equate my intellect to that of a potato."

Fwoash. Four more minion bots are ejected from the underside of the giant block Cirno's piloting…

Instead of floating off to distract Kaguya, they all begin to orbit around Cirno's craft-

 _Vruu~m!_ They all create large bubbles of bright blue energy, which all overlap and shield the giant aircraft from harm.

 _Ti-ti-tick! Pow, pow! Ti-ti-tick!_ However, Marisa and Kaguya's attack quickly cause the bubbles to shrink down into nothing.

Every minion bot with a really small bubble retreats from the main craft for a moment, so that its shield can regrow a little. Since Marisa's rockets did splash damage, all the shield bots retreated at pretty much the same time, all spreading out and moving to far corners of the lake.

"Good robots." Marisa monotones again. Then, she begins criticizing Cirno's strategy. "Y'know, I'm pretty sure a good offense would be a better plan than making a million different ways to like, _temporarily_ not take damage."

Suddenly, Mokou begins to get up! Using her arms, she helps herself back onto her legs, before standing a little shakily… "Fu~ck. Where'd I go to sleep…?"

 _Pow, pow, pow!_ Kaguya shoots at one of the weak shield bots nearest her. Her first bullet causes the already tiny shield bubble to retract into the robot, and the other two blow it up.

Mokou flinches at the sound of gunfire. "Shi~t…"

"Hello, friend." I greet her.

'Cause of the radio earbuds we have, she just looks around, at first unsure of where I am, before sighting me. "Oh, you. _Oh._ Oh- I remember now. Goddamn it."

Rubbing her head, she looks around. Her gaze sets on Master Chief for a moment, before she shakes her head and surveys her limbs… "Well, I'm not silenced anymore."

"You're _welcomed_..." Kaguya is withholding the giggles.

 _Pow, pow, pow!_ Kaguya assassinates a different shield robot, this time having to use two bullets to mow down the shield before blowing up the core shield bot.

The other two shield robots start drifting back into action!

During this time, Marisa's just been shelling and shelling the main block, which is now crackling with danmaku energy on one face.

"This place would fall apart without a fairy's ever-watchful eye." Cirno preaches the power of fairy kind to us! "They might tell you that we're powerless. It's a great big bloody _lie_." Not just any lie, yo. A _bloody_ lie.

Fwoom. The thrusters on the craft go out.

" _Marisa!_ " Reisen yells! "Get to the shore! _Now!_ "

"Okay!?" Marisa freakin' jets over to the shore! In the next moment, she's floating over Kaguya, a good ten feet off the ground still.

Cirno's craft just plops into the water-

SPLASH

 _That's_ a disproportionate amount of water for what just entered the lake…!

This freakin' _geyser_ of water towers over us, before promptly raining down all over the shoreside as a clumpy rain.

...Now I am _also_ on blue fire. Well, it's more like pastel-blue, and it doesn't hurt or actually destroy clothes. In fact, it seems to just travel along skin and stuff for the most part.

Holding out my hand, I try to create a wooden block like I was able to do before.

...Can't even _feel_ my mana. Oof. In the background, I hear Kaguya's energy shield recharge...

Mokou is also silenced again. "That's it, I need a Panacea."

...Marisa's making a mad dash along the coast of the lake to reach me! She's got her broom held up over her head with both arms! "I'm'onna need one! I'm'onna _really_ need one!"

 _Pow, pow, pow!_ Kaguya fires at the shield bots, which are still just drifting in the air, their shields freakin' huge now.

Taking out one of the Panacea bottles, I hand it over to Mokou-

"Finally." She takes the bottle… and holds onto it. "Gotta wait for this stupid rain to stop, though."

It continues to rain for a good moment-

 _Pow pow pow pow pow!_ Kaguya breaks one of the shield bots by just wildly unloading her clip into it. "Your shields are _stupid!_ "

"He-hey…" Marisa is indeed a bit winded from sprinting across a fraction of the lakeside to reach me. "Gimme."

Reaching into my bag, I hand another small bottle of Panacea over to Marisa. I wonder if that 'toss and cast' type of casting would work… although it'd be stupid to use it now. This rain probably freakin' silences everyone near the lake. Actually, I bet Wakaflakka-whats-her-face is having fun!

Placing her hand on the bottle's cork, she waits for the rain to end. "After this, I gotta go-…" She inhales and exhales! "...Find my hat. Should be on the water..."

Slowly, Cirno's block begins to rise from the water, liquid rushing off of it as it ascends again…

...In a moment, the rain ends!

Audibly, Marisa and Mokou tear the corks off their bottles, and begin chugging.

The remaining shield bot starts glowing red, and its shield vanishes. Gradually, it begins to accelerate towards Kaguya…

...Kaguya aims up at it as it advances. "What're you…"

 _Pow, pow, pow!_ ...I think she _missed_ all those shots, somehow.

"No!" Kaguya makes Master Chief leap, barely avoiding getting smashed by the shield bot. When it was close to someone, I could tell it was like, torso-sized! "Go away! I hate you!"

 _Pow pow pow!_ Three more frantic shots destroy the robot, so at least one of them must've connected.

Marisa floats back up into the air on her broom, no longer on blue fire. "I should buy a buncha Panaceas. Silencing sucks, ze."

Mokou floats into the air, ready to encounter the robot! "Immortal…"

As Cirno's super block of pain and prolonged combat raises into the air, she boasts about her superior intellect again. "I know my way around here. Every dirt road, every cave…"

"Fire Bird!" Massive wings of flame fold out from behind Mokou's back. Hoh, shit…! "Flying Phoenix!"

 _Fwoom!_ She creates a huge, crimson, bird-shaped mass of energy, and sends it at the craft.

 _Pow, pow, pow!_ Kaguya helps her chip away at the energy shield from the shore…

Marisa dips close to the water, before making a precarious motion to claim her hat, which was floating somewhere on the surface. "The~re we go!"

 _Fwam!_ The fire bird collides with Cirno's machine, creating a huge swath of flames that curl around it! Additionally, a barrage of red, feather-shaped danmaku pellets assaulted the machine, left in the bird's wake-

Fwa~sh. The machine's shield falls.

"Right now, I quite appreciate not being my mind's slave." Cirno speaks as if this situation was still going well for her. "There's so much I'd do for nature here, so much I'd rearrange…"

 _Fwoom!_ With a gust of her wings, Mokou sends out another giant danmaku phoenix at the lunar machine.

Four more tiny robot things come from beneath the machine-

 _Fwam!_ The second fire bird collides with the machine, as does all the feathers in its wake! Even though the machine's immune to burning for whatever weird reason, the immense heat seems to be having an effect of some kind. Each impact _is_ causing Cirno to kinda drift away…

Marisa starts floating up. Like, just… she goes up, yo. Above the battlefield!

Fwo-fwo-fwo-fwoom. Cirno's machine launches four slow moving homing rockets at Mokou…

Spinning in the air, Mokou changes the side of the machine she's facing entirely, and unfurls her wings-

FWOOM

She sends out an immense wave of big, oblong red bullets all around herself, flourishing outward as a giant sphere of freakin' flames.

...I dunno where the tiny robots went, but they're gone now!

Oh, I just saw this through the red bullets, but she also sent out a _spread shot_ of phoenixes. Only one hit the craft itself-

 _Fwam!_ -but freakin', yo…!

I gotta look away. All the light was starting to hurt my eyes, even when everything else is freakin' dark. Jeez…

 _Fwoom!_ A~nd that sounds like another phoenix, right after the freakin' mega flare ended. Also, it seems like the rockets trailing after Mokou just freakin'... died or something. One of the spread shot phoenixes probably mowed them down.

Marisa dives down from way above on the other end of the device, using it to shield herself from Mokou's danmaku and freakin' burly flames at this range.

"Loving Heart…!" Oo~h, she's using a spell card! It's probably not gonna be a burly one, since Mokou's on the other side and- "Double Spark!" -nevermind…!

Backing up just a _little_ , Marisa aims the mini-hakkero at the machine…!

"Hey, hey!" Mokou knows what's up, yo. "You're gonna hit me with that!"

"You can take it!" Marisa's such a team player, yo.

Mokou responds aptly. "What the fuck!"

Two white lines aim out from the mini-hakkero horizontally, and-

VRRRRRR~

Fruity color mode has been activated. This makes me wonder how light pollution works, 'cause freakin'...

RRRRRRR~

From down here, I could see how the two equally sized master sparks spread out, and quite wide, too. One of them ultimately went in the direction of the mansion but _maybe_ died out before actually getting there.

The beams were only noticeably split after awhile, so it was like a freakin' medium-range shotgun, except there're only two pellets, and they're fucking house-levelling rainbow beams.

Also, yeah, apparently Marisa can just shoot two Master Sparks at once. Freakin'... yo.

RRRRrrr~...

The immensely bright rainbow lasers of doom finally fade, and the night quickly darkened again.

...Cirno's device was now half-submerged in the water, dark and floating on the lake's slightly active surface.

Everything's quiet again, yo. Ho ho ho…

"Somebody help Mokou…" Reisen sighs over the radio, breakin' the silence. "She's in a _pickle_."

"Augh- ghugh…" Mokou is suddenly audible, sounding like she's drowning. "Gu-ghn-ngh!"

"Hehehe~..." Marisa giggles. "Sorry, Mokou-ze. Actually- the hell are ya?"

Amber light flashes beneath the waves halfway across the lake from where Mokou originally was.

Zooming over to the spot 'n' stuffing her mini-hakkero in her hat, Marisa takes a deep breath. "Haa~h…!"

Bloop. She nose-dived into the water smoothly, her hat left on the water's surface. Uu~h…

…

Spla~sh! She emerges from the water's surface holding Mokou with one arm. Mokou's back is against the broom, her head propped against Marisa's right arm- which is on the broom. Marisa's left arm's precariously beneath Mokou's legs trying to keep a hold on her…

"O-ooh…" Marisa shudders, dripping wet. "Cr-crap… not-not my be-best idea…"

"Kaugh- kauf, kaugh…!" Mokou coughs up water, her body crackling with danmaku energy. "Ngh- da-damn…"

...The pale flames on my body're almost out. The hell are these, anyway? Moon flames? Why don't they burn stuff?

"I got support stuffs yo." I make my support known! "Erectin' a dispenser _ri~ght_ here!"

...Marisa turns around and stops flying aimlessly into the distance, moving for me…

"Wh-when I'm drowning…" Slowly, Mokou starts speaking, before starting her sentence again. "When I'm drowning, stunned numb and envisioning how _painful_ my next few respawns will be…"

Then, she starts yelling! "Don't assume I'm in the mood to hear ' _Mokou's in a pickle!_ '"

Boom.

A quaint blast came from the buoyant, floating lunarian hunk of machinery. Afterward, it drifted apart, broken…

"Sorry." Reisen flatly apologizes. "I could just not say anything next time." Ho ho! That attitude, yo!

I really didn't do much this fight other than give people healing items and uh… snipe those snipers. Still not sure if they're dead or just stunned. If they're dead, I'm gonna blame Reisen and promptly forget about it! Not that there was a lot I _could_ do, that thing tanked a Master Spark and most of Mokou's freakin' inferno birds.

...Master Chief power walks over to me. "Fight coulda used more rockets."

In a moment, Marisa reaches my rock-based position! Quickly, she dumps Mokou onto the floor, and takes a seat next to her. "Mo-Mokou, can ya start burning?"

Mokou promptly lights on fire, burning softly. Pretty surreal to see up close…!

"There…" Marisa holds her hands over Mokou like she's a freakin' camp fire. "Good fire."

"Mngh." Mokou just exists.

In the distance, I see the light columns in the research camp retract. Then, a lot of the lights inside seemingly go out…

 _Fwoo~m!_

...The entire interior of the base ascends, revealed to be like, a freakin' floating platform. Metal began expanding to cover the interior, and a cluster of anti-grav thrusters all along the bottom began to kick in to accent the one large thruster that at first propelled the base up.

Within a moment, the base was fully free from the protective lower foundation it had. Turning around in the air idly-

FWOOM

The bottom thruster kicked in again, and the entire structure rocketed off into the night sky with immense speed.

…

Mokou weakly held up an arm, and gave the retreating base a feeble middle finger. "Do-don't come back…"

 _Pow pow pow pow pow!_ Kaguya empties her pistol clip into the air.

"They're gone now." Reisen plays the role of captain obvious. "I'll join you guys shortly."

"Could- could ya get my hat?" Marisa requests. "I'd like to just sit here for a moment."

We hear the rush of wind over the radio. "Sure."

...In a moment, I see Reisen bounding up to the lakeside. Then, she floats- far slower than she runs, actually- towards the lake's surface to get Marisa's hat…

Once she has it, she drifts to the shore, before dashing towards us with unreal speed.

She does, however, slow down as she nears us. "Hey…"

"Hi." Marisa greets her idly, grinning.

With a flick of her wrist, Reisen sends the hat twirling through the air, where it lands almost perfectly on Marisa's head.

"Eight outta ten." Marisa adjusts it a little. "Ya still gotta stick the positioning."

Reisen shrugs. "I'm surprised it's that good after so long."

Freakin'... Reisen's still wearing these really boxy, white goggles. The eye holes emit blue light that extends in a tiny beam outward.

I hold out my arms. "Can you guess my resistances, yo?"

...Reisen runs her eyes along my form, and I can follow the goggle's lasers to see where she looks exactly. "One hundred percent ice resistant. Fifty percent dark resistant, and fifty percent sun resistant. Fifty percent weak to fire and burning. Immune to freezing and sun-related, magically induced blinding."

Marisa chuckles. "The hell'd you get this stuff from? I know ya said Alice, but she charges a freakin' arm and a leg for magic clothing…"

"I got that early bird discount, yo." I reiterate, hoping it'd jog her memory a bit more…

"Oo~h, right…" She nods, looking away. "She thought you were a hobo, but apparently you were a hobo with pocket change."

Son. You're not wrong, though…!

Someone else begins drifting over to us from the lake. Reisen seems to see her coming, as well…

...Noticing our stares, Kaguya pivots Master Chief around to look as well.

It-it'sa Cirno! "What're you guys doing?" She touches down near us!

Marisa almost springs up, but remains seated anyway, which just results in her looking like she had a mini-seizure.

"Eating." I point to Mokou.

Suddenly, the pale blue flames along my form go out. I am no longer silenced. It was fun while it lasted, yo...

...Cirno takes a moment to stare at Mokou. "Eye thought only Rumia did that."

"You feelin' okay?" Marisa checks Cirno's sanity levels!

"A little funny…" Cirno still has some patches and wires on her, probably from the machine. "Eye woke up in a chair and wires and stuff under the water, but they couldn't hold me back!" She props her arms on her hips! "Eye gotta find and beat up whoever thought that would be funny!"

I decide to quiz her. "Who's Machiavelli?"

"Macaroni?" Cirno guesses.

"Aristotle?" I ask my next question!

"Arrow throttle?" Cirno looks at me like I grew two heads.

"Yagokoro?" I grin!

"Yogurt corn?" Cirno blinks. Then, she shakes her head! "Shut up and start speaking sense!"

Sitting down next to the ever-burning Mokou, Reisen lets herself relax… "Alright. I'll have a team out here to clean up the remaining debris tomorrow morning…"

Cirno looks over at her, beaming. "Eye have a team!"

"Not your team." Reisen quickly clarifies.

...I do a little stretch…!

"Hello!" It's Ha-chan! "I finally found you!"

"Ho ho!" I watch her approach from the woods! "Where the frik were you?"

"After I lost you, I was in the bamboo woods but then someone hit me on the head _really_ hard, with a rock!" She nods cheerfully, like this was a good thing. "Then I was hanging upside down, and I had to get cut down by a nice scythe youkai."

A nice scythe youkai. Who the hell…? Also, a rope trap sounds like Tewi's doing…

Mokou begins to sit up, still on fire. "Oo~h…"

Cirno leaps back! "Aaa~h! It's still alive!" Holding her arms out, she starts blowing frost onto Mokou!

"Th-the hell…?" Mokou holds her arm up to shield her face from the cold air and ice. "Stop…"

Kaguya begins making Master Chief jump in place, attracting the stares of the fairies…

"We should probably get going…" Standing up, Reisen looks around idly. "We're not going to be left alone for long after an event like that."

Yeah, probably not…

"Let 'em…" Marisa pauses to yawn. "Hau~h… let 'em come, ze."

Giving her a skeptical stare, Reisen begins walking. "Well, we have just the right number of people to probably not be attacked so readily…"

Aah… is there a magic number for a party's size? Like, too big for gankers to get any wise ideas, and too small for any army smashers to feel it worth their time?

"No one would attack us with me around!" Cirno folds her arms, yo… "Eye'm the strongest!"

"That you are, ze." Marisa reaches over and ruffles her hair.

...Slowly, Mokou begins to stand. "Alright… I think I'm good."

Cirno notices she exists again. "...Eye dunno why she got better. Weren't you guys gonna eat her?"

No one dignifies her question with a response, instead moving to follow Reisen…

...Kaguya's idle, though. No one notices she's not moving, except for me!

"Yo Kaguya." I speak to Master Chief. "You still there?"

"I went to take a piss because the cutscene was boring." Kaguya explains promptly. "...I'm still doing that, by the way. We heading back to Eientei?"

Cool information. "Ye." I start moving to follow the girls, and Ha-chan moves with me. "Alright, yo."

…

As we move to catch up with the main party, Ha-chan speaks. "Why were you talking to a _robot person?_ They can't hear you, you know..."

I tap my ear bud thing. "Radio, yo! I was able to talk to the person _controlling_ the robot!"

Ha-chan gasps. "...People _control_ robots!?"

Oo~h, man, explaining technology to Ha-chan's going to be fun…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Reisen wasn't _entirely_ wrong about us not getting jumped in the dead of night...

 _BLAM_

She did, however, forget about that holo-party she left behind us. It was still going by the time we got there, and uh…

...Lowering her huge sniper rifle, Reisen scans the clearing she left the holo-party in. A single shot of it had blown away two fairies, and it seems like a good portion of the bullshit here had fled 'cause of it.

There's still this one spider girl with yellow and black markings along her body. "Hmm? More?" Turning to the holograms, she gives them a smirk. "I'll take care of you three later…"

None of the holograms react, still talking wordlessly to each other.

Aiming her hand forward, pointing a pretend pistol at the spider, Reisen makes a request. "Stand down."

Marisa is drowsy, but still ready to rumble! "Aa~h, I can shoot spiders in my sleep, ze…" Reaching into her hat, she begins fumbling around for her mini-hakkero…

" _Make_ me." The spider girl starts to approach us! "It is easy for me to guess that a party such as yourselves is _incredibly_ lost upon such an evening… am I not wrong?"

Reisen fires an oversized, thick, bullet-shaped danmaku pellet towards the spider.

The spider eyes it warily as it slowly accelerates towards her-

 _Fwa-fwa-fwa-fwam!_ On impact, it becomes a rippling orb of some kind of pinkish, scarlet energy. The edges crackle with an effect I'd never seen before, like yellow pixelated ripples or some shit...

"Ua~h!?" The blast causes the spider girl to collapse onto her base! "Wh-what!? How!?"

"Hup!" Reisen performs an unnecessary leap, going from our half of the clearing to the other entire end of it.

...Pouting, Marisa floats along. "Awwh. I ha~d that…"

Mokou and Kaguya follow suit, mostly idle.

"It's been thirty minutes since I've shot something." Kaguya drones. "I feel like I'm backtracking."

"Probably because we're actually backtracking." Mokou counters with equal enthusiasm.

…

I begin to move, eying the baffled spider girl. She seems to be slowly losing consciousness from the danmaku energy. "A-ah…"

"Are we there yet?" Cirno is a Cirno. "Where are we going? Eye bet Eye know a better way…"

"...Where _are_ we going?" Ha-chan doesn't know, either!

Home. Hell. Nuggetstein…

"Somewhere." I give a good answer.

"Eye know how to go somewhere!" Cirno knows opportunity when she sees it!

"I don't!" ...Ha-chan finds me _everywhere_ I go with no provided knowledge, clues, or help. She totally knows _where_ she's going, although she wouldn't really know _what_ it's like until she gets there… I should ask Eirin how Ha-chan's stalker syndrome works.

Again, we continue to make our way towards the Clinic!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I think I'm as drowsy as Marisa by this point. S'freakin'... dark outside, yo. Although, these sterile hospital lights aren't helping me…

We're currently in the hallways of the clinic. Reisen ran off with Cirno somewhere- probably taking her to get checked out by Eirin- and Kaguya took the armor _somewhere_.

"I'm off to shoot Kaguya's brains out." Mokou gives us an apt departure. "Bye."

"Yea~h, don't be a stranger…" Slowly, Marisa gives an offhand wave to her.

...Marisa then makes an abrupt right-hand turn to the first door we come across next. "G'night…"

Opening it up without looking inside, she stumbles in and shuts the door.

...It didn't look big in there. Or bright. Or comfy…

After a moment of me and Ha-chan staring at the door, I move to open it…

Marisa stumbles out of the closet, pushing me out of the way. "Whoops… they need to label these damn doors..."

Moving forward, Marisa stomps her way to the next door. Jiggling the handle, she found the door locked. "Good. Goo~d. Lemme…" Reaching into her hat, she drew her mini-hakkero. "Who needs crowbars…?"

Aiming it at the door, she took a few steps back-

 _FwiChoo~m!_

Bam! The wood door was smashed inward by a _laser beam_ , parts of the lock freakin' going flying.

"Wh-what!?" A bunny inside yells!

"What's going on…?"

"Who knocked the receiver over _now…?_ "

Marisa marches inside. "He~y! I'm gonna sleep here!"

...The lunar rabbits all just stare at her. Their reactions fall into two categories: complete indifference and slack-jawed horror.

"Ki-Kirisame…!?" This platinum-haired rabbit is the latter. "What- _who_ authorized you to-"

"Authori~ze, shmothor-... enh." Waving off her attempt at a jeer, Marisa flops into the nearest bed, which held this like, greenish-brown bobby-haired bunny.

...The bunny adjusts herself slightly, her arms still behind her head. "Nnh."

I step in next. "Hi, friends."

...The reactions change to both complete indifference and- no, that's just complete indifference.

A rabbit with short blue hair speaks! "Master's probably testing us again, Umeko…"

The platinum-haired bunny just sighs, rubbing her temples. "Probably, considering class A-S is here." Giving me a glance, she lowers her eyes and returns to whatever she was doing at her desk before Marisa barged in. "Sleep wherever."

Ho ho. I begin to walk over to the bed Marisa plopped into-

Marisa attempts to look at me from the blanket, surprisingly not asleep yet. "I'll shoot'cha."

Aw. Guess I'll have to find a different bed…

The blue-haired rabbit from before pats her own bed. "You can use mine. I can share with someone else…" Getting up, she moves to see which of her teammates she could share a bed with. Oh. I thought she meant sleeping with me was fine, but she just gave up the bed entirely. That works too…

Speaking of, this room has like, seven beds, and they're bunk beds… so it's more like _fourteen_ beds. I say this, but the ceiling's too low for the top bunks to be used, and a few beds have big crates of both the wood and metal variety on them. There're only actually four rabbits in the room right now… and one's _asleep_.

The blue-haired rabbit passes by the bed of this rabbit with long, blonde hair. "...You still awake, Nui?"

...No answer. Hoh.

"You can just use my bed." Umeko, the platinum-haired bunny, responds. "I'll be up late doing this anyway."

"Thanks, Umeko." Blue-haired hare moves towards the bed nearest Umeko…

Ha-chan walks in next.

Umeko groans. "This is totally a check to make sure our beds are clear. You- how many more of you are there?"

Ha-chan pauses. "U~hm… I think it was… four?"

...Umeko looks like someone drowned her goldfish.

"With you right _now_." I clarify. She mighta been talking about our party from earlier...

"Oh." Ha-chan looks over at me. "Just me!"

Umeko relaxes. "Oh, good. I can work with that."

...I loom over my respective bed, ready to just flop in.

Then, someone pushes me from behind!

I flop onto my stomach- oof! Ha-chan just flopped onto _me_ …!

"Good night…" Ha-chan speaks close enough to the back of my neck for it to tickle! Hoh…!

...

…Haa~h. This is good… I can feel Ha-chan hug me, even with this clunky ass kimono on. I wish one of these nights I could just sleep in a normal bed so I could just get comfy, with no risk of getting jumped by freakin' hooligans. Or waking up in a cold dark room with a little lightbulb that swings and blinks…!

Ha-chan makes a good security blanket, though… and that unconditional love is reassuring. I'd think more about it, but I don't feel like it right now...

...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

…

"Wakey wake~y…" I don't recognize that voice... "Like, wake up."

"Maau~..." I recognize that yawn, though!

I'm comfy like this…

…

"Hehahaha~..." A noob's _laughing_ at us, dude… "Seriously, wake up."

…

"Cool." ...The bed starts to shift a little-

Holy shit!

Oof…

The mattress' pulled out from beneath us, and me 'n' Ha-chan are sent rolling into the framework below.

Bed springs are mauling me…!

Ha-chan suddenly floats into the air! "Ow- hey, hey! What's the big idea!?"

The greenish-brown-haired rabbit girl points her thumb at the door. "The big _idea_ is that your time's _up_. Like, get out."

"Make us!" Ha-chan tempts fate.

"Hah." The rabbit sneers at her.

Slowly, I start to rise from the bed springs…

"He-hey, let go! Let go~!" After a brief lunge from the rabbit, Ha-chan was now being dragged out the door. "He~lp!"

" _Late~r!_ " All it takes is a shove from the lunar rabbit to get Ha-chan out the door.

These freakin' bed springs suck. I begin to stand-

Oh! Oh, hey there. I'm just being carried out by my shoulders by this rabbit, now. Good.

...The rabbit notices how I just let her carry me out. "At least one of you little lovebirds has a brain. Also next time, tell that stupid witch to _knock_. I don't care _how_ much ass she kicks, she snores."

Once she's dragged me outside the room, she drops me on my ass.

"See ya." With a wink and a casual salute, she recedes into the room and slams the door.

…

Ha-chan folds her arms. "She was a _meanie_."

I begin to stand, dusting myself off a little… "Yea~h…" Where'd Marisa bugger off to, anyway? Aah, whatever. There're probably things for me at the briefing room lab place thing, like that suit!

"Let us go find a good place." I put effort into telling Ha-chan where we're going.

"Yeah!" She's happy with that, though!

...I don't actually know where the entrance to that one metallic hallway is. Wait, this ha~ll… is part of the way, okay. If I go forward and take some turns I should get there!

I start walking in a direction, and Ha-chan follows.

…

"We still have to cuddle later." Ha-chan goes from following me to walking beside me.

"Yeah, flopping over didn't really count, did it…?" I consider. I pretty much just died instantly and got hugged.

"Nope!" She nods! "We're gonna cuddle, and then we're gonna _nap_."

Nap, huh. Yeah, that'd actually be a good day. I could get away from sniping people- still gotta ask Reisen about that shady business- and watching lunar silencing camera devices explode for a few days.

...As we continue down the hall, we spot some earthen rabbits! By that I mean the stout rabble rouser kind.

The three of them look at me, and two of them scurry off with grins. The last one left's got dishwater blonde hair, like mine!

She smiles up at me. "Good day, _mister_." ...She pulls out a candy bar. "Would you like a candy bar?"

It has no branding. Ha~h…

"Nah, yo." I walk past the rabbit. "Too early, friend."

She snorts. "That so?" Promptly, she begins unwrapping the candy bar. "Oh, well!"

"I want one…" Ha-chan is tempted by the sweets.

...The rabbit looks up at her with disinterest for a moment, before smirking. "Oh, alright." Slipping her hand into her skirt pocket, she took out another bar. "Here's _yours_."

Ha-chan reached out to grab it-

Crunch! The wrapper was actually empty, but looked full!

Zazap! Ha-chan was shocked!

"Eep!" She jitters, before grinning. "...Thanks!"

"Pfft…!" Chuckling to herself, the rabbit quickly wanders off, taking the gag wrapper and actual candy bar with her. "Ye-yeah, don't be a stranger…!"

Aw. Them whacky rabbits, yo.

…

I begin walking again, and Ha-chan continues to follow me. "We need electric toys."

Ho hoh…! "What brought this line 'a thinking about?" Also, clarify _electric toys_. I mean, I know what you meant- you being electric elemental and all, but-

"Well, _I'm_ electric…" Ha-chan has realized she's not an ice fairy! "And getting shocked feels good."

...She looks me over. "Does it feel good for you too?"

I shake my head. "No. Electricity kills me, yo."

Ha-chan jerks her head back. "Wh-what? Really…?"

Well… yeah. "Yeah, yo. Well- I dunno how much exactly, but even then it doesn't feel like a recommendable experience…"

...Ha-chan looks down. "Oh."

Although, I dunno how resistances affect that. I need something to give me just ten percent more ice resistance, and I can find out whether or not resistances also make you feel good!

Ha-chan looks crestfallen and I dunno what to do about that. Well, I _could_ give her a hug or something…

Now that I thought it, yo, I gotta commit. Would it be weird? Maybe, but who cares!

Walking closer to Ha-chan, I wrap an arm around her. "C'mere…"

...Quickly, she responds back with a full hug! Oof! "Hehehe~!" Ahah…

I am slightly grateful that these halls are dead ninety percent of the time. Is it because this place is just so big, or is everyone just that busy? Those earthy rabbit girls seem to keep to themselves somewhat, too. Except for when they're freakin' bamboozling you.

We find the right door! I think!

...Walking up to it, I freakin' start a long war with it to get it open…!

The~re we go. Hoh.

Didn't this door need an eye scanner to get in? Yeah- that pad's still outside. Huh. It was probably disabled for general ease of access or something...

...Ha-chan moves to follow behind me, but the door starts to close once I get through it! "Yo, yo~...!" I try to keep it open from the inside, but it starts folding shut…!

"Nnh…!" Ha-chan bashes herself against it, but it pushes her until the door is closed anyway.

Click.

…

After a moment, I tug on the handle and drag it back open again. Freakin' door!

Ha-chan slides through the small opening I make. "That door's meaner than Mistress'...!"

Yeah, at least Remilia's door wasn't engineered to auto-close in your _face_. It just closes automagically instead, and _not_ in your face.

"...Ooo~..." Ha-chan looked around the super metal hallway. "Are we on a space station?"

You don't know electricity kills almost all humans, but you know what space stations are. "Maybe." I don't actually know what this place is…!

Continuing down the hexagonal freakin' hallways, I eventually reach the sliding door. I walk up to it-

Verr! The two halves slide open smoothly.

"Woa~h…" Ha-chan is awed. "What happened to it…?"

"It fell and couldn't get up." Essentially. Although, once we're inside, it'll get back up…

We enter the room. Eirin's here, and that's about it!

Verr! The door does indeed close behind us, but Ha-chan seems to have missed that, instead ogling the many cryotubes scattered about the room...

Eirin glances up at us, before looking down at her stuff again. It seems she's got some of the parts from that lunar craft here now, already.

"I came for the _suit_ , yo." I make my intent known!

"It's right over there, and ready." Eirin points to the side.

...Oh, so that's what's going on over there. The suit and the helmet are all hung up on a rack-

 _Fwoa-_

Ti~ng!

A circular shockwave of some kinda dark energy began to spread out from the suit, but a tiny triangle placed nearby made an irritating noise before it dispelled it.

"The helmet goes on last, by the way." Eirin gives me some tips and tricks! "When worn, the suit will give one hundred electric resistance. I recommend you _don't_ wear anything under it if you want all of the suit's processes to work as intended."

Oo~h, electric resist, huh? That's… hmm. Considering it's a space suit, it's even _clunkier_ than my kimono.

"The base suit- body minus the helmet, that is- will provide complete immunity to electric magical damage and stunning. It also prevents you from being frozen solid." Eirin explains the suit's processes! "The helmet itself, when worn, activates the suit's heat regulation, which will prevent burning and environmental heat effects from being a problem. It is not fire resistant, however, so _do_ avoid bathing in magma."

That's pretty nice. I can still put myself out, though.

Eirin continues, taking a wrench to the pipe piece she was messing with to undo some bolt. "Having the helmet on also activates toxic substance regulation, giving you poison immunity. The viral banks are slightly outdated, but I don't believe that will be a problem for you. The helmet is also designed to mildly resist blinding, by about fifty percent. Finally, the helmet also increases your electric resistance by a further one hundred percent, totalling two hundred."

Oh. At the same time, I couldn't use that for Ha-chan electric fun time purposes because the helmet's freakin'... a big bulky glass helmet! Actually, wait.

I point at the suit. "S'that helmet made outta glass?"

"Yes and no." Eirin provides. "It's a tempered, transparent ceramic. Since this suit was made for combat, the glass is meant to withstand various kinds of small arms laser fire. Do not be confused: it will not save you from plasma, danmaku, or most normal laser variants. It will not break easily, but do not go falling off of cliffs."

Hoh. As armor, this suit should kick ass. It doesn't look as light as a normal space suit, bu~t I'm pretty sure I can't go around wrestling wolfmen in it.

"Do I get any of those helmet benefits with the helmet on alone?" I grin at Eirin.

...Eirin just looks up at me. "...I suppose it would work as a substitute for sun glasses. No, aside from the blinding resistance, the helmet on its own is useless."

Yeah, I figured as much. Just wanted to make sure!

Nearing the suit, I run my gaze along the design of it…

"Oh, by the way…" Eirin looks over at me. "Equip it outside this room, and take that pyramid with you when you do it." She points to the triangle by the suit. "It dispels the zero gravity spell it randomly casts."

Oh, yeah. This thing just casts an area-of-effect zero gravity spell whenever it damn well feels like it. Electric immunity, poison immunity, temperature normalization, and blinding resistance. I can go _anywhere_ in this thing. I can't _fight_ anything in it, but I can _go_ anywhere…! I think it has an oxygen tank, too…

"How much oxygen is in it?" I ask Eirin, looking over at her.

"Two or three minutes worth." Eirin rattles off the number as she looks down into one of the pipes she's disassembling. "When in breathable air, the suit and tank automatically sample air and fill themselves. There are other tanks available, but those cost extra." Oh, good. Gotta freakin' shell out dough for upgrades…

Finally, I ask another fun question. "If it blows the fuck up, can I get it fixed here?"

Eirin snorts. "Sure. The model isn't expensive on resources by any means, but reassembling it requires a few rabbits to follow the procedure again. As such, reparations would take a day or so."

Go~tcha. Try not to break it, then! I'm more worried about the helmet than the rest of the suit, though. It has these like, white plastic platings around it which are a step up from my freakin' cloth I've been wearing all this time.

Alri~ght…

Looking over the helmet, I see my own reflection in the gla- _ceramic_. Yo~...!

...I pan my head around. " _Wow_ I look like a freakin'... lunatic!" Got my good ol' _neon yellow_ helmet on.

Ha-chan sees her own reflection! "Hello~!" She waves at it.

...This is gonna be fun.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 61

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I _would_ like to know where it actually _puts_ all my stuff though…

==o==

WEAPONS:

Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! It better, with a name like 'Swordbreaker'. Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! May cast Flash, an attack that blinds; works best on darkness elementals and youkai. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can cast Gust. By the addition of a steel block, its attack and magic attack increased slightly. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites stuff on impact. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle, allowing the user to cast Flamethrower Plus! Allows the user to cast Fume.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Can produce limitless fresh water. Boosts the power of water skills. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style; physical attack increased, physical defense lowered. User bleeds out faster. Can cast Revenge, an attack that increases in power the lower the user's health is. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to let it cut!

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Lowers defense slightly. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger is slightly electric and holy elemental. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy…

==o==

ARMOR:

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Seventy-five percent time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!

Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means _business, son_. _One hundred percent_ ice resistance, and as such renders me immune to all magical ice damage. Dunno 'bout icicles and stuff, though. Fifty percent freeze resistance… not that freezing will hurt me with this thing on. Fifty percent dark resistance. Negative fifty percent fire and burning resistance. Hopefully hides me a bit when navigating in the freakin' brush...

Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! Fifty percent sun resistance, one hundred percent freezing and blinding resistance. Also gives immunity to electrical stunning. It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.

Lunarian Prototype Space Suit - A suit meant for combat in deep space. So far, it's only got the whole 'exist in deep space' part down…! _One hundred percent_ electric resistant. One hundred percent freezing resistant. Has an oxygen tank, but that's only useful if you wear the helmet to go along with it. Randomly casts Zero Gravity when it feels like it.

Lunarian Prototype Deep Space Helmet - It's a freakin' helmet. Fifty percent blinding resistant! When worn with the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit, it also confers immunity to burning and poison, along with _another_ one hundred percent electricity resistance. Yo…!

Testing Oxygen Tank - The oxygen tank used by the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit. Lasts for two and a half minutes! Not meant to actually be used outside of testing, but it's possible. Refills automatically in breathable air.

==o==

CONSUMABLES:

Fifty two thousand, two hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!

Seven Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Three Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on _debuffs_ , though...

WebDings Book about Foreign Juices - Wahaha! This better fetch a price on the market!

Dark Stone - I dunno what it is, but it looks cool. Probably something I can slap to one of my dark weapons!

Enchanted Icicle - I gotta make this melting resistant, soon! It's enchanted to glow in the dark…!

Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I _really_ have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

==o==

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

IS MY INVENTORY STUPIDLY HUGE ENOUGH YET

XD yeah that has gotten big hasn't it

that's not really a bad thing but it does contribute an additional 2 k unjustified words per chapter at this point; although not that it matters since i do make huge enough chapters to justify it, this one was freakin' twelve thousand words

added categories because THAT'S A LOTTA STUFF…

space suit! it's mostly a gimmick equip but it's sturdier than anything i've worn thus far so that's one thing

also randomly casting zero gravity is going to be a freakin' good time - w -

action this chapter- too much, just right, necessary or unnecessary, wat do you want from me yo tell me~

well by that i mean criticism not blatant requests but anyway

to that one anon reviewer who i wanted to talk with but they were anon so i couldn't: eeh i dunno yo, i've had certain segments with specifics going on and certain segments without, part of the problem is the fact i do kinda just make it constantly follow me instead of work in a completely episodic manner and therefore you get some more slow and boring undirected slice of life sections. realistic? yeah kinda, but interesting for readers? i dunno i guess it's worked so far

from the start though this has mostly been a thing for myself and honestly it's going BETTER THAN ANTICIPATED and i will admit at this point that my interest is partially fueled by the interest this stirs

i DID start writing this a bit of not only my own ambition but i also wanted someone like myself to find this and be like "holy SHIT" XD so if I made one person's day with this fic then i have LIVED THE DREAM

i still dunno when exactly i'm gonna start doing work on other things. i mean i HAVE been working on free writes that aren't FREAKIN GENSOKYO for awhile now but so far i've yet to actually commit to one as another secondary story if even a short of some kind

i also want to do some more serious works in the future in shades; mostly just because like, there's a lot of subject matter to explore

mostly the hardest part is experimenting with openings and then thinking about if something's really interesting enough to warrant sharing, along with overall tone evaluation

that and i don't wanna start another work with no direction, because that will just go on FOREVER

...SUCH IS THE WORK BEING READ RIGHT NOW

i'll think of something

…

anyway you came to read about this chapter right XD

inspiration for the cirno boss fight in general came from freakin'... Miracle of Sound's "The Wheatley Song". like one of those moments where you just listen to music and visualize stuff XD

the suit equip idea came from a suit of similar stats in Epic Battle Fantasy 4, but also listening to some like old ass space-related songs and being like "i like space".

if anybody's not a huge fan of me hyping up the touhou's abilities that's simply too bad because i like hyping up their abilities and showing them off - w -

oh yeah up next is a MATT CHAPTER so all aboard the SLAUGHTER TRAIN WAHAHAHA

HYONK HYO~NK

as always, see you all next time!


	77. The Man with a Loli for a Head

(WELCOME BACK TO TOONAMI, with your host, MATTMAN THE ASSASSINMAN man) (it's a MATT CHAPTER SON)

The manor's gates loudly clattered shut behind us.

Out here, Meiling was lazily leaning against the wall next to it again. Seems she didn't have trouble recovering from being assaulted by that small army at all…

The prisms around me silently disappeared, as did the depressing mixture of status ailments. Apparently that only takes effect on mansion grounds.

…

I turned to Meiling. "Thanks for the generous hospitality."

She glanced over at me, before rolling her eyes. "Huh. Honestly, I thought those status effects might give you more trouble. They'll probably get revised or something, then..."

"Make sure it includes instant death next time." I request.

With that, I begin trekking down the path. Shikome idly follows behind me, eying the gatekeeper as we go.

…

After some moments of walking, we begin to near the lake. By the way, by the time we were plopped outside the manor, it was already night. As such, it is now even more night than it was before.

The rightmost path around the lake had a large glow stick party going on or something, so it'd probably be a good idea to not go there. It's bright, it's blue, and it's got structures of some kind which would probably be hazardous to our overall health.

Taking the left way around the lake, Shikome seems to share my disinterest in the unnaturally blue lights.

As we march around the left lakeside, we have little trouble because of the light produced by the glow stick fortification across the lake…

Some figures are positioned at the side of the lake we intend to pass, however.

Nearing, it becomes easier to make them out...

Two of them seem to be rather poofily dressed night fairies. I have to wonder where they get those stout gowns from.

On the shore, there seems to be some kind of insect girl. I can't quite make out her features, but she has a rear pod and is _not_ a spider girl.

...I glance at Shikome, who seems to have no qualms about approaching them.

"Can I eat _them?_ " She gives me a dry look, pointing at the fairies and the insect.

Before I can say anything, she walks towards them anyway, likely intent on eating them-

Shi-shi-shink!

Abruptly, the insect girl fell into three clean parts.

"Aa-aaah!?" One of the fairies screeched, flying back-

Pi~chun! She was killed by _something_.

The remaining fairy sent a spread shot of danmaku out, which seems to have pattered against something.

Pi~chun! The final fairy was killed, creating a flash as she becomes one with nature again.

…

In the next moment, the something made itself visible.

Splash! The thing dunks its head into the water, on all four limbs before the lake's shallows.

...The torso is feminine. Feminine as in, it has medium breasts, and pale- if abraded- skin.

The rest of the creature is inhuman, however. Below 'her' waist and navel, the legs are replaced by thick, bamboo-like appendages. At first they're similar in width to legs, but around the kneecap area they jut forward at sharp angles, creating a stick-thin, walker-esque impression. Instead of feet, the creature had small, metal parts which had four smaller, tiny bamboo shafts that pointed down.

Its arms are flayed flesh, the hands replaced with awkwardly angled sickles. The strands of flesh were unlike anything that could come from a human arm, and also ended in sickles. Good arms.

…

It looks like a something, alright.

Splash! It brought its head out of the water. Ironically, the head looked fully human, bearing stock brown hair that you might expect on a human girl.

Smoothly, without noise, it rose back onto its leg-like appendages, and turned its wide, emerald eyes in our direction. The eyes glowed softly in the evening's darkness.

…From here, it refused to make any movements, watching us.

"You can eat that, if you want." I decide.

"No." Shikome declines. "It looks like it'll give me indigestion..."

…

"Hua-a-aa~h…" The thing spoke to us. "Hua-hnh. Hua-a-aa~h…" It seemed to not move a muscle as it did so.

…

"So, then I was like…" Two wolfmen came from the brush behind the creature. "Why not, like… eat the armor too?"

"Damn…" The other wolfman shook his head. "Wish I~ like… thought of-..." Abruptly, he stopped.

Stopping as well, the first wolfman eyed the creature.

…

"That's, like…" Scratching his head, the other wolfman searched for descriptive words. "One of those bamboo things, right?"

"First time I've seen one…" The first wolfman grins widely. "I bet they _snap_ like bamboo!"

With all the grace capable of a wolfman, he barreled forward with his arms outstretched, ready to grapple the creature.

Shikome and I watch him slowly approach it…

Eventually, he reaches it, and wraps his arms around it-

"Hua- _aaaa-_ " My ears start ringing from the noise it makes.

In a blur of sudden movements, the wolfman becomes multiple large chunks, collapsing. Then, the creature is gone.

…

"Where the fuck are you!?" Looking around wildly, the other wolfman smacks his fists together. "What was that!? Did you eat him!?"

...After a moment's hesitation, he moved forward-

Shink!

Thu-thud. His torso fell forward, cleanly removed from his lower body.

…

Splash! Once again, the creature was on all fours, dunking its head- and shoulders, this time- into the mud at the lake's shallows.

ZaZaZap!

Tiny streams of electricity came from a few feet above, stretching down into the lake's water, for some reason.

ZaZap! A few more rain down where the two wolfman used to be, striking nothing but decaying flesh.

I turn to Shikome- oh. She's not here.

...Looking back at the thing, I see Shikome approach it.

Splash! The creature brings its head back out of the water, quickly propping itself up on its legs without any sort of concentrated effort.

Like this, it almost rotates on its pelvis one-eighty degrees to look at Shikome.

"Hey, how do you do that?" She points at the creature.

…

After a moment, it replies. "Huaa-oa-aah…"

"What? Speak in a way that makes sense, wretched imp." Shikome does her best to make it understand her intentions.

…

…

Finally, it replies. "Huaa-aanh-aoh…" Albeit, not intelligently.

…

Holding up her hand, Shikome promptly sent a tendril zipping into the youkai's chest-

Shink! "Huaa- _aaaa-_ " There's that insufferable noise again…

In under a second, the youkai is somehow not only ten feet in the air from where it started, but Shikome's tendril is still in it.

It flails its limbs with inhuman speed, seemingly attempting to slide down the tentacle to reach Shikome faster, only for her to extend it until she couldn't continue to extend it.

As the youkai slid down it, Shikome simply created another tendril to halt its progress, this time entering it at an odd angle so that it couldn't keep moving towards her.

"Hua-hunh-gngh!" The creature was now partially invisible, the air rippling in a disorienting manner as it tried to go fully invisible while still pierced by two tendrils. The way it flailed its limbs made the air blur and ripple violently.

After awhile of the creature flailing, I began to notice the fact it was slowly riding _up_ her tendrils this time, its flesh and probably inner organs abrading hastily as it did so.

This continued for awhile, and I realized Shikome's tendrils had a max length. Creating two more tendrils, Shikome had them ready at her sides, but unextended.

The creature escaped from the top of Shikome's tendrils, vanishing into the night. Red and orange liquid dripped on the floor moments afterward, hinting where it was moving, only for the blood itself to vanish as well.

…

Shink!

In the next moment, one of Shikome's arms came clean off.

However, her right arm lunged forward, tendrils assisting her by roaring out of her body in the general direction of her assaulter.

Cr- _crack!_ Something cracked.

"Huaa- _aaaa-_ " Kill it already. Make the pain stop.

ZaZap! Zap! Three weak streams of electricity touched down approximately where Shikome was. Despite two of them connecting, the magic didn't really faze her.

With her hold on the leg, and her tentacles likely pushing the creature back, she tugged-

 _Crack!_

The leg she rended from the youkai became visible, curiously rigid flesh still pointing upward from the top of the bamboo-esque part of the creature's leg.

After a moment, the creature itself also became visible twenty feet away from Shikome. It was now on all three limbs, occasionally dipping where its former leg used to be as if it keeps briefly forgetting it was gone.

In the next moment, the creature moved towards Shikome again, although this time it failed to account for its missing leg. As such, when it sprung forward, it ended up sliding awkwardly on its side across the ground towards her instead.

Shi-shink! Shikome pinned it down with six tendrils.

"Hu-huaa~h-h-h-h…" The creature's noise trailed off, becoming more guttural than it was before.

Shink! Another tendril pierced one of its arms, keeping it from flailing wildly.

Shink! Shikome did the same with the other arm just so it'd stop being annoying, too.

Grabbing the creature's right arm with her only arm, Shikome slowly released the tendril, keeping her hold on the creature's sickle-ended, red and flayed arm.

...Bringing it up, and angling it by twisting her wrist a little, Shikome abruptly thrust the arm down, bringing the scythe into the creature's throat.

Shink! "Gngh-h-ngh…" The creature gurgled quietly, before it stopped.

…

After a moment of Shikome holding the sickle arm in place, the creature's emerald eyes slowly darken.

"Damn." Standing up, removing her tendrils from the now limp corpse, she briefly brushed her arm stub with her remaining arm. "I was just asking it something."

...Crouching down, she claimed her fallen arm from nearby. Dark miasma flowed out from both points of severance, but only like a slow fog rolling out of a cold freezer.

Taking the limb, she held it back over where it would normally attach.

...Dark, black strands began connecting between the two. In a couple of seconds, the strands connected faster and faster, until her arm was connected to her shoulder again by a large black spot.

A couple more seconds later, and the black spot was gone, her left arm back on good as new. Taking a moment, she articulated it, before leaving it be.

Huh. That was quite similar to how that tree treated its severed roots. Not quite as automagically, though. I'd like to know how to do that.

"Can you reconnect my limbs, too?" No reason, just asking.

Shikome glances over at me. "...Wanna see?"

In retrospect, that was a dumb question. "...No."

/ / / / LINEBREAKS A~RE ONE O~F A KI~ND / / / /

Holding these lightning scissors in my right hand all the time is vaguely annoying. I better find something to hold them soon, or I might accidentally murder myself, which I'm sure _no one_ would want.

We are now back on the Hakurei Path, heading in the direction of the village.

Since we look like youkai- and Shikome likely adds to the whole youkai appearance- we're essentially left alone by all the passing youkai.

"Hahaha~!"

All of a sudden, we stop as Rumia barrels out of the brush, crosses our path, and charges into the opposing brush.

...Shikome stares off in the direction the darkness youkai went.

With that out of the way, I begin walking down the path-...

Shikome seems to be walking after the darkness youkai. Hmm.

Suddenly, the brush further down the path shimmers, causing Shikome to pause.

"C'mo~n Wriggle!" Rumia emerged from it, calling to someone further in the woods. "It's hide and seek! Hide and seek!" ...I'm not sure that's how you play hide and seek. Also, _who_ is named _Wriggle?_

Approaching her, Shikome gets Rumia's attention. "Hey."

...Pausing her festivities, Rumia turns to her. "Oh, hello!"

...Stepping up to Rumia, Shikome gives her a good sniff.

"Hello?" Rumia looks her over curiously. "He~y. That's what _I_ do…" Leaning forward, Rumia sniffs back. "You don't smell like a human, though…"

"You smell very… delectable." Shikome makes her intent known. Oh, here we go again.

Rumia smiles back. "Is that so~?"

"Very…" Licking her lips, Shikome shifts closer.

"I tell humans that all the time." Rumia states plainly. "They don't really like it when I do, though. 'Cause I usually..." Trailing off, Rumia has come to a realization. "Oh."

Due to her proximity, Shikome grabbed Rumia in a hug.

"A-ah, no!" Rumia wiggled. "I don't taste good! I taste like, uhm…" She looks around. "Rocks! Youkai?"

Getting her face closer to Rumia's, Shikome remains unconvinced. "Oh, you'll taste fine…"

Bringing her hand up, Shikome used it to secure Rumia's head, so she could lean in for a kiss.

"Mmm…!?" Rumia's eyes widen at the sensation, and she continues wiggling, flailing her outstretched arms idly.

...For a moment, Shikome breaks the kiss, only to push Rumia back.

"Ah!?" Rumia lands on her rear. "What're- oof!" Shikome pounces on her, making her flatten out. "He-hey-"

She's cut off as Shikome locks lips with her again. "Mmm!?"

...Rumia pushes against the dirt, but only succeeds in making her limbs kick up dust.

Shikome's hand slides along Rumia's flat chest, as she continues the kiss.

"Mnh!?" Rumia is still confused, moving her limbs in a disorganized manner.

Well, then.

...I hear the bushes rustle beside me.

That one green-haired fop with bug antennae reluctantly steps out, eying the scene.

...Looking back at the scene, I see Shikome break the kiss, rubbing Rumia's flat chest with both hands.

"A-ah…" Rumia stares up at her. "What is…?"

...I turn back to the fop.

He's just staring at me with wide eyes and a raised brow. He gestures towards the scene with his thumb, and mouths 'do you know what's going on'.

I shake my head.

He rolls his eyes.

Weakly- or perhaps strongly, by human standards- Rumia reaches her arms up to Shikome's shoulders to try and push her off. "Sto-stop. I feel weird…"

Shikome promptly lunges back in for a kiss, causing Rumia's hands to break from her shoulder, and her fingers to spread out. "Mnn…!"

I turn to the fop. "So how was your day? Also, are you Wriggle?"

He jumped. "Yo-you can talk? I mean…" Hastily, he looked back at the scene before us, but when Shikome didn't react to his presence, he relaxed. "Masks can't normally hold a conversation, so… and yes, actually." He confidently smiled at me. "Wriggle Nightbug. I fought a vampire once, you know."

Oh, right. He doesn't recognize this new outfit of mine. "I see. Anyway, it's different for me. I am the new generation of _mask_. We shall take over this land and build a greater _mask_ kingdom."

...Nodding and rolling his eyes again, Wriggle is skeptical. "Right. So-"

Rumia lets her arms fall to her sides. "…"

Wriggle just blinks at the scene.

...After a still moment, Shikome begins to get off of her.

Once she's off, Rumia continues to lie there, staring into the sky with uneven eyes and a dazed expression.

Wriggle lets out a sigh of relief. "Oo~h, thank goodness. I thought that was gonna go farther…"

Unfortunately, this fiction is rated T, for teenagers. Heads would surely explode and lives would be ruined if the average teenager learned that intimacy was indeed something that exists. It's fine if they blow people's heads off in Call of Duty, however.

"Are you done, now?" I question.

"No." Shikome looks over at me. "Yes… yeah."

Wriggle has questions of his own. "Why'd you do this?"

Shikome blinked. "Do what?"

"Just, like…" Pausing, Wriggle took a moment to find tactful words. "You _molested_ Rumia. She's my _friend_ , you know…"

"What's a friend?" Shikome tilted her head.

...Wriggle's eyebrows just rise, and he slouches. "Okay. Alright. Well…" He rubs the back of his neck. "Y'see… it's like… when two people are cool with each other, but not like in love. But they don't hate each other. Basically."

"You forgot friends with benefits." I criticize.

Wriggle gives me a dry half-glare. "Shut up, mask."

I gesture to him loosely. "Hey, can you eat him for me?"

"Okay." Shikome starts walking towards him.

"Oo~h no no no." Wriggle begins floating away, holding his arms up diplomatically. "Sorry- no, not happening. I like being innocent."

Shikome notices Wriggle's bug-like wings and antennae, and stops proceeding towards him, suddenly becoming uninterested.

"Anyway, uhm…" Wriggle slows down, noticing Shikome stopped. "Uhm…! Sorry Rumia! I'll come back for you!"

With that, Wriggle flew off into the night.

...A myriad of tiny fireflies came from the nearby woods, brushing past us.

Well, then.

Oh, right. I wanted to go to Alice's for some things. We probably should've taken the turn onto the magic forest's path earlier. Although, as we are, we could probably cut straight through the woods…

"Let us go." I begin walking into the brush.

...Shikome bends down and picks up Rumia bridal style, and quickly jogs to catch up with me.

/ / / / WHEN THE MOON HITS YOUR EYE, LIKE A BIG PIZZA PIE / / / /

Why did we bring Rumia with us?

I was now lugging Rumia, in an effort to keep Shikome from draining her dry. To do so, I had to stuff the electric scissors _into_ the rubber glove I carried them in previously. They're now in my backpack, and hopefully won't fall out and cause a miniature fire disaster.

Rumia, surprisingly, is vaguely conscious. "My~ favorite letter is _seven_ …" Vaguely.

I forget the way to Alice's place. It's been awhile. Thankfully, we seem to be getting the utmost minimal attention.

...Although, we could use some directions.

"Hello~?" I request assistance from the local youkai. "Is anyone there?"

"U~fufufu~..."

Apparently so.

...Following the source of the noise in the dark forest, I eventually come across a slightly illuminant puddle.

Once I set my sight on it, it begins rising. "O~h, hello~..." It was no average puddle; it was a _slime_ puddle. "Hi~..."

As it rose, it eventually took the shape of a buxom green slime girl with short 'hair'. "I'm still slee~py~..."

"How do you do, fellow youkai people." I get hip with the kids. "Do you know the whereabouts of a certain doll magi?"

...The goo girl stares at me for a moment, before pointing to my left. "Thatta way."

Okay.

"Sa~y…" The goo girl smiles at me. "Could you do~ me… a fa~vor?"

"No." I start walking away.

...She huffs. "Oka~y…"

"Sure." I turn back around.

"Uwa~h…?" She has been confused.

"What can I do for you, fellow youkai person?" I inquire on her troubles.

...She wobbles about somewhat unsteadily. "Do you kno~w… any roaming kappa~?"

...No. "Nope."

She nodded. "A~h. I hea~rd about them the other da~y… one of them go~es abou~t… making traps." She brought a hand to her chin, the two merging with each other. "I wa~nted him- or he~r- to make me and so~me sisters a trap hot spring…"

A what. "A… trap hot spring?"

"Yeah. You know?" She smiles at me. "Hot spri~ng, except instead of _wa~ter_ , it's me and my _sisters_ …" She grins at me. "We plan to eat people like that… 'cause we don't get a lotta people out here, a~nd the people we do get jus' blow us right up."

Kinky. "I am sorry to say, miss slime, but I do not, in fact, know of any nearby kappa."

"Oo~h…" She nods, slinking back into her puddle. "Al~ri~ght… you know where I a~m, though..."

Featureless puddle in the middle of featureless, complex forestry. Certainly.

I begin moving in the direction the slime girl pointed. In the meantime, it seems that Shikome has assassinated half of a tree's bark behind my back. It was now visibly cracking and decaying.

/ / / / POISON MIND / / / /

We approach Alice's door in the dead of evening. I'm unsure of how late it is, by this point.

Knock knock.

…

Knock _knock_.

…

Alice seems to be sleeping.

 _Knock knock_.

I hear footsteps.

...After a moment, the door creaks open. "Wha~t…?"

She sees me standing there, holding Rumia in my arms, with Shikome at my side. "You have company."

…

Alice sighs. "I suppose I should talk. If you want anything, you better just have money. I'm not in the mood to be cutting deals."

Opening the door wider, she lets us in. "I don't know who your friend there is, but tell her not to break anything. Or- actually, I could just tell her. Don't break anything."

...Shikome just stares back at her.

...Alice slouches. "My apologies. I'm just… tired."

Good.

I move for the central table, and Shikome follows suit. As Alice moves around it to sit, I plop Rumia on the table.

"Hehehe~..." Rumia giggles. "Where do the birds go~ in the winter…?"

...Alice glances down at Rumia. "South. They go south."

Does Gensokyo even have a south for the birds to go to?

Anyway, let us get down to business…

Alice blinks at me. "I forget why I invited you in."

"How good of a teacher are you?" I question Alice's capabilities.

...Tilting her head to the side, Alice takes a moment to reply. "Depends on the subject…"

Taking my mask off, I give her a solid look. "I need _you_ … to teach someone danmaku."

Scanning my face, Alice seems to recognize who I am. "Oh- right, right."

...Slowly, the shelf dolls silently arm themselves, moving gradually but soundlessly.

"What do you want to know?" Alice seems marginally more awake now, sitting up. "...Also, how did those scissors I make you turn out?"

Hmm.

"It did everything I'd ever hoped for." I inform her. "But was also more than I ever bargained for."

Glancing at Shikome, I see her just give me a _stare_.

"Hmm. Quite an experience for a pair of scissors." Alice looks me and Shikome over… "Do you treat all your handheld utilities similarly? I want to know how much of a trip to enlightenment your spoons are to you."

Spoons. What?

"I have not used a spoon in ages." I confess. "I feel deep sorrow."

"As you should." Alice smirks. "...I'm sure you didn't come here to banter, though, and I'd much like to go back to bed."

"I just wanted you to teach a _friend_ how to do danmaku." I make my intent known. "Friend." I gesture to Shikome. "She's been interested for a _while_ , but I couldn't find a good teacher. So I remembered _you_ , and how there's no teacher better than _you_."

...For a few moments, all I receive from Alice is a long, dry stare. "Was that an actual request, or are you just insulting me?"

"Actual request." This time I speak with a lot less sweetener.

"There we go." Alice processes the request, staring at nothing in particular for a moment. "...I should make some tea. In any case, if you mean the basics, then sure. As for anything advanced… we could talk about that later."

Good, good…

…

Before Alice gets up, she looks down at Rumia. After a moment of staring, she decides to ignore her presence entirely.

Guess Alice is just going to… not ask about Rumia. That, or she's planning on it later.

…

/ / / / ONNNNGGHH / / / /

We all now have tea.

Except Rumia. Rumia's just lying on the table, still. "He~y… you know why~ the saint was cru-seefed…?"

"I'll bite." Alice looked down at Rumia skeptically. "Is she drunk?"

"Yes. Maybe." Easier to explain…

"Maybe." Alice looks up at my gaze. "So you don't know."

"Nope, nope." I shake my head. "Not a single clue."

"Splendid." Raising her tea, Alice sips from it…

…

"She got raped so hard she can't function properly." I spill the beans.

...Alice just slowly lowers her teacup, eyebrows raised.

It takes her a moment, but she replies to that. "Okay. I'm… going to assume you were joking. She's still clothed, too..." After eying Rumia for a moment, Alice nods. "Now I feel silly."

"Oh, don't worry, I'm not joking." I attempt to discomfort her further.

"Right." Alice is unaffected, unfortunately. "Well-"

"Actually, I am joking." I admit. "Since there wasn't any penetration, it doesn't count as rape."

"Alright." Alice stares me down. "That's nice. Which one of you wanted to learn danmaku, now?"

I gesture to Shikome, who waves.

"I see." Standing up and setting her tea down, Alice begins moving… "Do you need any rest, first? It _is_ rather late, for the both of us."

...It _has_ been night for awhile.

Shikome looks at me, completely indifferent.

Alice _would_ be better at her job when rested.

"I suppose we'll rest." I decide.

Taking this opportunity to go to bed, Alice quickly retreats. "Cool. Do whatever you want with Rumia, but if someone opens my door or the front door in the middle of the night, heads will roll. Same for the windows."

Good.

Bam. Alice's door slams shut.

…

Idly, I move towards the guest room to check how much fluffle retardation has taken it over this time.

Crea~k…

After swinging the door open, I check the inside of the guest room.

The entire room's space is currently occupied by one big fluffle, which is trying to jump but can't because its back keeps hitting the ceiling.

"skedar ruins: battle shrine" It annotates. "brutal packaging peanuts"

…

I'll deal with that in a _moment_.

I look over at Shikome, who is currently looming over Rumia…

Knowing her, I give her some instructions. "You can play with her if you want, but just don't kill her."

Shikome smiles widely.

...I turn back into the guest room, and try to enter.

The fluffle's staring at me.

I walk in-

It bumps me with its shell nose, which is the same size as me, causing me to fall back onto my rear.

"im the boss" The fluffle declares, still trying to jump, and still hitting its back against the ceiling inaudibly.

Cracking my knuckles, I prepare to enter the room again. "This is gonna be a long night…"

/ / / / FLOONEY CALOONEY / / / /

The guest room is actually partially usable. The beds have tall posts, and the fluffle is restricted by them for some reason. This does confirm that, indeed, I failed to do anything productive about the giant fluffle. However, if you were to crawl along the edges of the room, you'd be safe.

Stretching- and appreciating a night in an actual bed, despite the looming fluffy giant- I begin to wake up…

Shikome is currently using Rumia as a body pillow in the other guest bed.

…

The only way out is to get across Shikome's bed. Therefore, I am stuck like this.

…

"Nn~h…" Slowly, Shikome starts to stir.

...Patiently, I wait for her to do her stirring.

Rising out of the bed- for some reason fully clothed- Shikome begins to walk for the main room, still holding Rumia close to herself.

The fluffle shifted to face her. "do not pass go"

Shikome continued to walk into it, her body slowly pushing the fluffle's tubby head towards the opposite wall.

"wait friend" It senses doom. "help im being sqooshed"

After enough of Shikome's unimpeded walking forward-

 _Fwoof_. The fluffle's head was crushed, reducing the entire thing into a miniature sandstorm, which quickly engulfed the room.

Good wakeup.

With little other choice, I clamber out of the bed and make a mad dash for the door. Provided, I too am fully clothed, but for some reason I don't expect it so much from others when waking up.

I slam the door behind me, keeping the dust storm sealed away…

At the main table, Shikome is seated, still holding Rumia like a body pillow.

Alice is yet again sipping tea, seated across from her.

"...Good morning." Looking over at me, Alice raised her tea cup.

"...Good morning." I reply back with equal vigor.

Taking my seat next to Shikome, I begin to become more awake…

"So…" Panning her gaze over Shikome, Alice begins to converse with her. "Does anyone want breakfast?"

...Silence.

Perhaps I should eat, however. "I suppose."

With a snort, Alice raises a hand, articulating her fingers.

Dolls begin to move over the countertops in the rear of the room.

"Pancakes." Alice clarifies what I'll be having. "For her, too?"

...I turn to Shikome, who is currently nuzzling Rumia's neck.

"Probably not." I have no idea, but she likely gets her fill from people's flesh.

...Alice looks over her for a moment, seeking confirmation. Receiving none, she simply drops the matter.

"Pardon my manners…" Composing herself, Alice begins speaking to Shikome. "I don't believe I've introduced myself to you."

Shikome glances over at her, but doesn't reply before returning to cuddling Rumia.

Dryly, the puppeteer finishes her introduction prematurely. "...I'm Alice, a magician. What's your name?"

"I don't-... Shikome..." It seems Shikome has remembered the name I gave her.

With that out of the way, Alice begins to sate her own curiosity. "Forgive me for asking, but…" She eyes Shikome further, leaning forward slightly. "Your kimono seems to carry a… _variety_ of substances in its fabric… almost enough so to have me mistake it for a curious new material, or perhaps some kind of clay. Is it all various types of blood?"

Shikome looks over at Alice, before returning to snuggling Rumia.

"...Okay." Alice's expression goes from curious to dry again. "I suppose we'll get down to business. It was you who wanted to learn danmaku, was it?"

Shikome looks over at me idly. "Yeah…"

...This causes Alice to also look over at me, before looking back at her. "Alright, then."

Soundlessly, two red-clad dolls creep up on my flank to deliver a plate of pancakes before me. A blue doll drops down from above to plop down assorted silverware: a knife, a fork, and a _spoon_. I recommend eating pancakes with the last one.

"Let's go out back." Alice declares, standing up. "We'll have more room to practice than in here."

...Shikome stands up, as well. Alice moves for the front door, apparently not having a back door for some odd reason. It also seems that Alice's neck is being guarded by a grey-dressed doll, who is armed with, in fact, multiple shields.

The two move out the front door. I suppose I'll follow them to watch, and eat my pancakes in the background…

/ / / / THE WALL DOLL: NO MAN ON EARTH CAN MAKE HER FALL / / / /

Fortunately, Alice has tree stumps in her backyard, so I was able to precariously position myself on one and begin consuming pancakes…

You know what? I should ask Alice for a really good rubber pouch to hold my electric scissors later. Soley so that I don't die in a fire one of these days.

"Now…" Alice was standing across from Shikome. To their side was a cluster of dolls clad in little but light-grey felt clothes, their faces featureless.

However, I noticed something was missing. "Hey! I need syrup! Who eats pancakes without syrup!?"

...One of the featureless dolls floated up to me, and punched me with its tiny arm. I didn't feel anything, except for disappointment.

Putting down my fork, I grab the doll by the torso.

...Pre-emptive of my actions, another featureless doll materializes behind Alice, moving to meet the twenty-nine-strong cluster of its sisters in the midst of the backyard.

" _Now_ …" Alice begins again. "Do you know how to channel your mana?"

Shikome still has Rumia in her arms. "...What's mana?"

Alice just blinks at her. "...Okay. Mana is... the common term for the potential magic power a person has within their body. It is commonly associated with willpower, which it both is and isn't. Depleting one's mana pool severely typically results in exhaustion, or in the case of the particularly magically challenged, death. However, that's only if they're using a spell too great for their mana pool to handle many times over, anyway. Even then, numerous spells have fail-safes or taper off without adequate power."

Shikome is just idly staring at her at this point. "...Is it the stuff that comes out of things when they die?"

Alice exhales. "Well, it _does_ come out of people when they die, I suppose. It's not blood or soul, however. Well..." Pausing, Alice reconsiders her words. "You could consider mana a part of soul, I guess. It's different from life force, though."

...Shikome tilts her head.

"In short, sure." Alice gives up on explaining it to her. "Just remember that it's not exactly _life_ power. You can't- most of the time- kill someone just by draining their mana."

"So you can't eat it…?" Shikome concludes.

"Probably not, no." Alice flatly agrees with this conclusion. "...Do you know what a _danmaku bullet_ is?"

Shikome simply blinks at her.

"O~kay…" Alice is finally starting to realize the gravity of this tutorial segment. "In that case… it's something like this."

Pointing her hand at the cluster of grey dolls, Alice fires thick clumps of yellow, diamond-shaped bullets at them.

Pa-pa-pa-pap! In short order, all but six of the dolls are wiped out by the shotgun spread of glowing bullets.

"...Oh." Shikome is still looking in the direction the bullets went.

"Further…" Floating into the air, Alice looms over the light grey doll cluster.

Translucent copies of the remaining six dolls spread out from their original, solid bases. After a moment, these copies all become fully opaque, restoring their numbers back up to thirty.

A spiral of yellow bullets slowly gravitated outward from Alice, creating four streams. The tips of these streams all shot a single bullet at a time at the doll cluster, creating a simple yellow light show.

"O~h…" Shikome observes this.

"Finally…" Alice allows herself to fall back down, before springboarding off the floor and back into the air for no particular reason.

The light grey-dressed dolls replicate back to thirty, and also float up into the air, horizontally level with Alice's position.

"Curse Sign!" It seems Alice is using a spell card. "Shanghai Doll!"

Casting both her hands forward, a blue-clad doll with a spear emerges from behind her back, and positions itself in her hands-

Fwa- _Vrrrr~!_

A person-sized, pulsating red laser is fired from the doll, annihilating the cluster of featureless dolls instantly.

"Aa~h…" Shikome gazed at the giant doom laser.

Just as quickly as it began, it was over, the red glow produced by the laser dying out with it. Alice allowed herself to drop to her feet. "Ha~h…"

...Turning to Shikome, she smiled. " _That_ is danmaku. Generally, anyway. Danmaku bullets are the basic parts, and the thing at the end there I did was a spell card."

"Yes. I want to learn that." Shikome confirmed her interest.

Nodding at that, Alice continued. "In order to properly start learning, I'll have to teach you basic magical practice. By that, I mean how to detect and manipulate mana."

…

Alice dryly stares down at Rumia. "You'll probably have to put down your friend for a moment, though."

...Shikome does a brief jog over towards my tree stump to set Rumia down, making sure she was propped up against it. Then, she jogs back towards Alice.

"First, detecting mana…" Alice contemplates how to best start things off. "Partially, such a skill is learned through trial and error. The most observable way is to will a simple spell or mana movement into action. I want you to imagine mana as a sort of force that's ever present in your body. Imagine you can detect it."

...Shikome gives her a blank stare.

"Now, focus what you feel inside you into your hand…" Alice holds up her left hand, pointing it into the woods.

Shikome is still staring at her blankly.

"Then, try this." Alice closes her eyes. Taking her other arm, she runs a hand along her left arm in a rigid manner-

A soft, yellow speck of light comes out, glowing softly, before quickly dissipating.

"That's how I first learned." Alice informed us. "Somewhere with such ambient mana as Gensokyo, it's not difficult to will simple spells into being. Eventually, after imagining your mana enough, you'll get a real feel for it, and it won't be so imaginary. You…" Alice pauses, turning to Shikome. "You've got a reasonable mana pool, so surely you already have felt something."

The stare is still blank.

"I mean, mana-wise. Regardless..." Alice moved on, noticing the disinterest. "Make some motions with your body, if you must. Since mana motion is in part will, without belief one might find themselves lost more often than not, even with the largest mana pool."

Bringing her arms up, Alice pointed her hands towards her own body and slowly ran them down the air around herself. "Imagine yourself moving your own mana when doing these motions. It's not a manner dissimilar to other muscles or bodily functions, despite it not being necessarily physical."

...After some awkward moments of Alice repeating those curious motions, Shikome begins to replicate them, running her hands near her own body.

"When you think you're ready…" Alice holds her left arm out again, pointing it at the woods. Running her right arm along it, she fires out another small speck of light. "Expel a little of it. That's essentially what that 'spell' is."

...Shikome repeats the motion, holding her left arm out and running her right arm along it-

The projectile emitted makes a low howl, the pink energy leaving a smoky, wistful trail in its wake. The oblong, neon projectile fizzled out a moment later, pink smoke still swirling in the air around where it died.

...Alice slowly nodded. "That's… a curiously volatile reaction. In fact- that's not even a spell reaction, that's just your mana's reaction with the air."

Bringing her hand to her face, Shikome looks it over, examining it and articulating it.

"...Well, if you feel fine, we'll continue." Alice decides. "Do you feel your mana, now?"

Still staring at her hand, Shikome confirms it. "It seems so..."

Alice smiles at her. "Good. I had figured a youkai such as yourself would catch on quickly. Now…"

From the air, a featureless tan doll with a light grey dress materialized in front of Shikome, floating in from nonexistence.

"Try searching through that doll's mana." Alice suggested, bringing her hands behind her back idly. "You could move it outside of it, or try to move it into yourself, if you'd like."

Reaching her hand out, Shikome grabs onto the doll. After a moment, the doll begins to glow pink…

Bwo~m. A black and pink orb expanded messily, before vanishing completely, leaving the doll gone.

"I see…" Alice nods. "You overcharged it with mana. Certain objects can only hold so much mana before it reacts violently and overflows, often destructively."

From behind Alice's back, four more featureless light grey dressed dolls came, floating in a revolving ring. In the middle of the ring was a doll dressed in a bland red felt dress, with a small smile knitted onto its face.

"Try manipulating these ones from a distance." Alice makes another suggestion. "If it gets too hard, you can touch them, but do try distance manipulation."

...Holding her hand out, Shikome points it at one of the revolving generic dolls.

...Bwo~m. It took a few more seconds than it did before, but Shikome vaporized the doll she desired.

Next, Shikome pointed her hand at the red doll in the middle.

 _Cli~ng!_ The doll glows a brilliant yellow, runes all along its previously featureless dress lighting up and two yellow eyes flaring to life.

"Some objects are specifically enchanted to resist mana manipulation, and some are simply naturally resistant to being fooled with." Alice explains what's going on. "In this scenario, I made it obvious what was going on, and harmlessly so. However, more experienced magi would likely booby trap anything they didn't want toyed with. It's-"

 _Pap!_ The red doll explodes, a bright flash coming from it. Shikome half-grins at this result.

...Alice sighs. "Well, that's one way around security wards. I was about to say they're similar to combination locks. I also advise against trying to manipulate the mana of living beings. Not because it's unethical; it simply takes absurd precision to actually do, and even more to maintain it for a useful period of time. You'd be better off throwing fireballs at them."

Shikome was intrigued by the notion. "How do you create a… fireball?"

...Alice folds her arms. "Well, there's a few options for that. There's the simple, wasteful prefabricated spells like Fire, Fira, and Firaga, so forth. Then there's actual fire manipulation, the other prefabs, a combination of both, and then there's magical theory."

Unsure of what to pick, Shikome picked anyway. "Magical theory?"

Alice snorted. "Are you sure about that? It's math, basically. I mean, it's very good if you actually sat down and decided to learn it, but it'd mean pulling open a tome and spending a good few days reading. I'd definitely advise it, but you came here to learn how to shoot danmaku, did you not?"

"I want to make a fireball." Shikome reasserts her desire.

...Generating another red doll, Alice sent it forward. "I don't have many prefabs on myself, honestly, but I do have some basic elemental ones. So, here. This one's a basic fire cast."

This red doll wasn't nearly as featureless as the last few dolls, complete with an ornate fire-themed dress. It still lacked the details Alice's typical doll soldiers had, however.

...Shikome put her hand on the fire-themed doll-

Ti~ng! It vanished with a bright orange flash.

...Shikome looked at her hand, creating a small fireball in it.

"That was quick." Alice observes, bringing a hand to her chin. "You didn't even have to shout 'fire' either, although that'd probably help."

...Looking over the fireball, Shikome tried to charge it further-

Fwi~sh. It died.

Alice shook her head. "That's the problem with such basic prefab spells. It's all in the moment of creation, all rigidly designed, and very non-dynamic. On the upside, even an idiot or generic human could use it."

I should be learning too, but I have pancakes. I already have that saw blade thing, anyway, and those fire scissors.

"Danmaku is actually not terribly dissimilar from such prefabricated spells." Alice declares, bringing her hands to her sides again. "At the same time, Reimu did a good job making it very dynamic for what it is. Somehow."

Aiming her hand out at the woods again, Alice gave instructions. "Firing danmaku requires you to be able to use small increments of mana, or else you'll very quickly run into bullet cooldowns which will render you helpless in a danmaku duel. On the upside, danmaku's method of stopping people is almost universal, and translates well to many strong and weak targets, with only a few exceptions."

Holding her hand facing the woods, Shikome awaited further meaningful instruction.

"I'd like you to bring your mana to your hand again." Alice gives the meaningful instruction. "Firing a danmaku bullet is very similar to the process of making that fireball. Once you fire your first, Genskoyo's ambient mana will sort of fill you in on how to do it more naturally, as well as do it wherever Gensokyo's ambient mana can't reach you."

Shikome points her hand at a tree…

A single, oblong pink bullet whirls out and hits the tree-

 _Thwack!_ The tree was injured.

…

Shikome furrowed her brows, bringing her hand back to stare at it.

"You put too much power into that last bullet." Alice states plainly. "The barrier automatically puts you on cooldown for overcharging a bullet, as well as regulates power of the bullets you do charge. As such, without external amplifiers, charging danmaku is pretty much useless and completely counter-intuitive."

Shikome flexes her hand. "Annoying…"

Yeah. That sounds annoying.

Alice tilts her head. "Is it, really? A little tact and discipline never hurt anyone, I'd think."

Stepping forward idly, Alice folds her arms. "In any case, that's the basics of danmaku. With restraint and some imagination, you can make basic bullets like that move any way you want. You do, however, have to keep track of them and the fact your mana is in them. If you _don't_ , they go something like this…"

Aiming her hand at the trees again, Alice fires the same shotgun spread of yellow bullets as before-

...Except, this time they all slowly accelerated forward, before pitifully dropping into the floor and dying.

"Spell cards…" Alice furrows her brows. "Those are a _different_ story. I'm not concrete on many of the specifics, though I'm pretty confident in my ability to make them readily. Once you're familiar enough with the danmaku system, you can have complex patterns generated for you, akin to prefabricated spells. Gensokyo's mana does it for you automatically; however, it doesn't give you anything useful, most of the time. Programming a spell card is essentially a trial and error process, but it gets easier the more you do it. This way, even the stupidest wolfman may one day get _one_ spell card… implying they actually used danmaku."

...With that, Alice sighs. "I've been talking too long. If you want more concrete information on spell cards, you'll have to talk to Reimu. She lives in that shrine on the hill, in the middle of everything. There's also some rules of playing danmaku, but you'll le-learn them…"

Alice puts a hand to her upper chest, and begins walking away. "I-I really need a glass of water, now…"

/ / / / NUGGET FEVER / / / /

A few moments later, Alice returned with a glass of water.

...I've also finished my pancakes, it seems.

"There…" Alice finishes her fifth swig from the glass. "Much better."

Once again, Shikome had her arms around Rumia, rubbing cheeks with the darkness youkai. I can't tell if Shikome meeting Rumia was a mistake, or just a happy accident.

...Pausing, Alice realizes something. "Oh, I'm sorry, Shikome. Would you like a glass of water, too?"

She glances up at Alice, before returning to nuzzling Rumia.

...Promptly, a blue-clad doll floats up with an extra glass of water by Shikome's side.

"Right." Alice should expect these reactions, by now. "I was going to give you some targets to practice on, but this _has_ gone on rather long. What do you say we call it here, for today?"

I didn't learn a single thing this entire time.

Shikome responds by not responding, still engrossed in Rumia's loli-ness. Is she even still alive at this point? Her skin's a healthy color, if flushed, so probably…

"I'll take that as a yes." Alice rolls with it. "Do come back later if you're still interested. There's not much more to teach other than tips and such, though."

Before Alice drifts back inside, I raise a hand, approaching the two.

She takes notice, looking over at me inquisitively. "Yes?"

"I would like you to design me something." I preface my request. "A reasonably thick rubber pouch, for handling electrical artifacts. Sealable, if you could."

...Alice processes this. "Alright. How large do you want it?"

Let's see… actually, I know this answer. "Large enough to fit a pair of scissors."

"Of course." Alice allows herself a tiny smirk. "It will be ready momentarily. Allow me a moment; you may follow me inside."

That sounds curiously like a threat. It'd be weird to wait this long to jump me, though.

With that, Alice drifts around the house. Some dolls soundlessly whirl out from around the house's edges to confiscate the plate and silverware I left behind when I finished my pancakes.

I move around the house, Shikome trailing behind me as I do so. Within moments, I reach the front door and graze back inside…

Over her back counters, she articulated her arms, a beige-yellowish rubber rectangle being brought in from her room's open door by another blue-clad doll. Once it was before her, it was only on the counter a moment, before the doll retracted it again. In its wake were reasonably thick sheets of rubber.

Moving her arms outward, Alice brought the sheets into the air by themselves, folding them without direct hand contact. "Now…" After rotating them slightly, she actually took an arm and opened a nearby, tiny drawer.

From this drawer, Alice took a thin needle, and began practically waving her hand through the small rubber sheets. After a few seconds, it seems the pouch itself was sewn together.

"I'm making sure to use non-conductive thread, since this is for electrical purposes." Alice annotates, grabbing the design with her own hands for the first time. "I'll doing similar for-... actually…"

Reaching into the same drawer, Alice took out two simple parts. They seem to be the clip-on seal type of parts.

"If I~..." Folding the pouch in a tube shape- and taking her hands off of it, only for it to somehow retain shape- she takes the two parts and holds them over sections of it. "I see."

Swip! With one quick movement of her needle, she made an incision in her sewing, before quickly adding the easy-clip button parts. The parts glowed as she held them over the rubber, being pressed into place by her.

"There…" Running her hand along the opening seam- making it glow briefly as well- she drifts over to me with the new rubber bag. "It's done. It's enchanted to stay closed when it's supposed to be closed, as well. Even if that didn't work, the way I folded it should prevent objects from unduly sliding out."

I see. "...How much will this cost?"

"Five thousand yen." Alice smiles at my business sense. "That's typically what the kappa charge for a good two-by-two block of rubber."

Oo~h, my wallet. "...Very well." She seems helpful enough. Actually… "Three thousand?"

"Five thousand, take it or leave it." Alice stares at me evenly. "Supply and demand. You're hard-pressed to find someone else who can instantly make enchanted, electric-proof pouches from blocks of rubber."

...Good point, and well-made. Oh well. "As you wish." Thumbing through my bag, I take out the applicable yen. Now down to seventy thousand… "Here you go."

Alice hands over the pouch as she grabs the money. "Thank yo~u. I promise I won't waste this money, if that's any solace to you."

It doesn't matter to _me_ what you do with your money.

Promptly, I plop my backpack on the main table, and flip it open. The electric scissors are still curled up in that glove inside…

Click. The rubber pouch opens nicely.

...I put the gloved scissors inside, before unfurling it and awkwardly shaking it, making the scissors fall out.

Once the electric scissors are securely inside, I close the pouch-

Click.

...The glove is now free.

Idly, I put it back on. Fun equips.

"Have a good day." Alice gives me a wave, turning back to her rear counter. "Your purchases are welcomed here."

Indeed. So it seems, anyway.

Moving for the door, I slip my mask back on...

Shikome is standing in the door, holding Rumia.

…

"I need to progress." I remind her.

Shikome idly sidesteps out of the way.

...Out of this magician's household at last, I begin my trek back to the human village area. Hmm…

/ / / / NEW YORK CITY COMBAT YO / / / /

We are now some distance in the woods…

I'm also now carrying Rumia again, for obvious reasons. It's indeed possible to have too much of a good thing.

"Aha~h…" Rumia is now drowsy again. "Ahaha~h… whe~n the sun goes out, who turns it back o~n…?"

Shikome is staring at me like I need to be publicly executed. I simply shrug in response.

Bushes ahead of us rustle, again. This entire walk's been accented by energetic fairies, though none have bothered to potshot us yet.

Instead of fairies, some naked youkai meanders out. She's tall, with light pink hair, and empty eyes.

…We exchange stares.

After looking at us for a moment, she drops to the floor, revealing a large, oblong shell. She proceeds to scuttle along the floor like an oversized insect, moving into the opposing bushes.

Okay. They seem to have a girl for everything, here.

Moving down the dirt path further, we eventually come to a sight…

There seems to be a large, red flower on the side of the path that wasn't there before. It has thick petals, reminiscent but not identical to a rafflesia. It also has a pleasant scent that's emitted even from afar, rather than a grotesque one.

I don't feel like getting close to it. Chances are, it's some kind of Piranha Plant.

...However, as we pass by it-

It rustles loudly. Moments later, a green-skinned girl emerges from it, with bright red hair. "Ooo~h…" She stretches, though her legs seem to be parts of the plant itself, stretching down into the plant's gooey core. "New scents…"

Turning towards us, she smiles. "Ooh? Youkai…? Or…" She sniffs the air again, and smiles, her eyes narrowing. "I smell some human blood, too. Some old, some new…"

"I am the new generation of mask." I reassert my identity.

She snorts, her medium breasts jiggling. "Hmm. You'll do. I'm not picky..."

...Shikome looks over at her, expression dry.

"And who's this?" The alraune gives a brilliant grin towards the loli, then towards the loli in my arms. "Oo~h. Two little youkai, lost in the woods, hrm? Well…" The alraune raises her brow at Rumia. "Hmm. Yes, this will do quite nicely."

Shikome begins to step towards the plant at a leisurely pace.

Beaming, the alraune leans out of her flower, opening her leaf-like arms. "Ooh? Do you want a hug, girl? Come he~re…"

Stopping before a leaf arm's distance, Shikome stands on the grass off the side of the path.

...The alraune huffs. "Come closer. I smell _good,_ you know…" She waves her arms, noticing they're just short of reaching Shikome. "Really, now."

"You smell like a wet bitch." Shikome corrects the alraune's previous comment. The grass she's standing on has started to turn black, and some of the grass in a line before her has begun to turn black as well...

Frowning, the alraune glowers at her. "Well, I _could_ just cut your head off and eat you that way, but that's no fun."

Shikome's expression is one of vague disdain. "You're not even worth eating."

"Well, aren't _you_ a _little_ … _!_ " Grimacing, the alraune raised in her flower pod in an attempt to look intimidating. Then, she smiled widely. "Hehehe~! _Die!_ "

She lunges forward, in an attempt to use both her leaf arms like a dual-bladed guillotine.

Shikome ducks out of the way.

By now, the grass had formed a janky line towards the alraune, the corrupted trail reaching the flower's base…

"Oo~h, the newborn thinks she's _smart?_ " Leaning back and forth after her miss, the alraune chuckles. "Hehehe~! I'll skewer you."

Shikome steps to the left-

Crack! A bright, green vine erects from the soil where Shikome was previously.

The taint that had infected the grass was now on the flower's base, spreading up the roots…

Quickly, the vine receded into the soil.

"Alright…" The alraune's smile became normal. "How about this?"

Cr-cr-crack…!

Before our very eyes, the alraune's flower pod and roots began rising from the soil, a few of the more solid-looking roots snapping away.

The flower's petals began to touch the ground like little legs. At this point, however, the taint was already spreading up the bulk of the central pod the flower girl resided in…

"Hrm?" Taking notice, the flower girl began to look down at herself. "That's weird…"

Very quickly, all the grass around Shikome and a nearby bush start to lose color...

The alraune notices the trail on the ground, and the corruption moving from her pod to her goo, and her petals. "What?"

"Weeds should submit obediently, or they may rot eternally." Shikome presents a compromise, seemingly.

"...Really..." Still confused, the alraune looks down again, watching herself slowly rot and decay. "You mean- this… this is supposed to be _you?_ "

Staring at her, Shikome does little more than watch the plant girl die slowly.

"Get real…" Stumbling to the side, the alraune begins to grin. "Ho-how could a little- ngh- youkai like you… d-do something like- kaugh…" I'm not sure what causes a plant girl to cough, but this plant girl is coughing.

The alraune's leftmost petals begin to curl up and blacken, dropping her onto her side. Her gel flows out of her pod not like gel, but like a mixture of crystallized chunks and water, only some yellowish clumps remaining gel-like.

"Gh-ngh…" The alraune begins crying. "Wh-what did you- you mean by 'submit'? A-aah- I could- kaugh, kaugh- I could-"

The flower's pod is rested upright again when the other side of petals curl up, refusing to hold her body.

"Pl-please…" The woman's temperate red eyes begin to dim. "I-I'm…"

At this point, the alraune's humanoid body was beginning to wrinkle, brown, and compress. "Mghn… Aa~h…"

"You… you shall rot until forevermore." Shikome declares.

"Nn~h…!" Jerking her body, the alraune achieves little productive. Her face was beginning to wrinkle, straw flesh now darkening to the color of grounded-up autumn leaves. "Aoh…"

Instead of the shifting sounds of petal on vine, whenever the alraune hobbled it produced crinkling sounds, similar to the results of playing with really dry leaves.

Soon after this, the already diseased petal legs stopped trying to move, and the alraune receded into her nasty, deformed flower pot, returning to rest.

…

"Hello~." Rumia waves at no one in particular. That was a reaction so delayed that I'm sure it's not actually connected to the youkai we just met.

After a few moments of me idly watching the fiasco, the alraune begins to stir again. Really, now. I know plants can be tenacious, but this is a slight-

"Ouh…"

Gradually, the alraune used its stick-like arms to shakily stand its torso back up. The eyes are now hollow sockets, the only details inside voids of darkened material. Her jaw was locked open, in a position reminiscent of screaming.

Stepping up to it, Shikome runs her hand along the bottom of its chin…

"This is a better look, befitting a worm such as yourself…"

"Uo~h…" The undead alraune hobbles slightly, attempting to keep upright. "Ngh."

She went from eye candy to an eyesore in under two minutes.

...Also, since I'm getting tired of referring to it as 'the alraune', I'm going to call her 'Zombirune' from now on.

"So-something sme~lls…" Rumia squirms in my arms. "Enh…"

...Shikome glances over at Rumia, before looking back over Zombirune. Taking a few steps back, she looks over the undead being…

…

Zombirune slowly articulates her dead petal legs-

Shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shink. The petals split and divide, revealing furry black fibers between each. Like this, the alraune skitters along on what seems to be sixteen small, decayed petal slices…

That is indeed a zombie. I didn't know plants could become zombies.

"Didn't know you were into that sort of thing." I state plainly.

...Shikome gives me a dry look.

I begin to move down the path, since we've spent a good sum of time simply necromancing this plant girl.

"Wha~t time is it…?" Rumia is still in my arms, and has been staring up into the sky this entire time.

...The sky's blue. Day. Not night.

Following behind me, Shikome pauses at first to make sure Zombirune is still trailing her. Once she's confident it does so consistently, her trailing becomes more natural.

/ / / / JUST ONE MORE OF THESE VIOLENT BEATINGS / / / /

Instead of heading to the village, I've decided to take Shikome somewhere else…

We approach the steps of the Myouren Temple. I've never actually given it a visit yet, but from what I know, they're quite accepting of youkai, so my getup and companionship should not be completely unwelcome. I also hope there are body enchantment learning opportunities, here. Bettering Shikome's magic game seems like it could only end well, especially when her aptitude for it seems superior to mine.

...The Zombirune scuttles up to the steps, and is impeded.

Frowning at it, looking away from Rumia- whom she was holding in her arms again- Shikome waves her hand at the zombie.

...The alraune flops onto the steps. Then, it begins using both its stick arms and its sixteen 'legs' to slowly crawl up the stairs...

Good zombie. Who else is intimidated? I sure am.

We proceed up the shrine's steps. It seems to be roughly midday, now…

Winter's becoming quite evident in the surrounding foliage, most signs of green gone, barring the occasional pine tree. Today feels rather temperate as a whole, however.

Sunlight brightly splays along the temple steps and surrounding hillside, warming us.

Reaching the top of the steps, we begin to approach the temple.

There's a girl outside, sweeping the path before us. She's short, and has dog-like ears and green hair.

"Um…" She watches our band of marauders meander towards the temple. "Hi…?"

Shikome and I glance at her, although she only locks eyes with Shikome due to my mask impeding my face.

Then, she looks at the zombie. "Wh- ah- what- what happened…!?" She promptly fluffs up, holding up her broom defensively. "Is- is she okay?"

You tell me. Does it _look_ okay?

"He~y, Kyouko~!" A slightly dry voice comes from within the temple. Moments later, a face emerges to pair the voice to.

It's some guy wearing monk robes, with what looks like dark red hair. He's also got a large, metal device slung over his shoulder. "You wouldn't believe it. All I had to do was meld a bucket to the-..."

His pacing stops once his eyes meet us. "Who~ the hell…?"

"Hello." I think it's time to make the fact we can talk known. "...I was wondering if a Byakuren was here?"

...The red-haired man seems to relax. "Ah, so that's what this is about. Right, well, I'll just be-"

"You- you keep them company!" Kyouko squeaks out, running from her position near us towards him. "I-I'll go get Byakuren!"

"Oh- well…!" The man steps back as Kyouko rushes past, brushing him out of the way as she flees inside.

…

He awkwardly stands in the doorway as we approach the temple's front proper.

Running his eyes over us, only briefly passing over the zombie, he notes Shikome. "...Is that Rumia in your arms?"

Shikome shifts slightly, nuzzling Rumia from a different angle.

"...Mmm." He takes the non-response as a response. "And… a zombie. Not the sort I recognize, but..." Pausing, he sniffs the air. "Sure as hell ain't alive."

"Nu~h…" Zombirune responds aptly, changing its leaning posture.

...Having had enough of a glance at the zombie's details, he turns his attention to me. "I don't know what the hell you're supposed to be, though. A mime?"

"Who talks." I immediately refute his perception.

He responds without losing a beat. "A mime who's bad at his job, then."

Good conversation.

"No~h…!" For no reason, Zombirune begins hobbling towards the man slowly.

"The hell're you…?" He just watches it approach for a few moments, before backing up towards the temple's left entrance slowly. "No. Back, back, now. I have a gun, and you don't."

"Au~h…" Zombirune flops onto the steps of the temple's porch, climbing them. However, at this point, it was quite far from Shikome…

Backing up further, the man began to fiddle with the device on his shoulder. "I mean it, piss off. God, I hate zombies…"

As it stands itself upright, the zombie begins to flake and crumble. "Hoo~h…" The diseased flower pod sits down, the alraune dropping to sit inside of its decaying prison again…

…

The man stops fiddling with his shoulder-mounted weapon. "...What? Did it just _die?_ "

...Silence sets in, as I stare at him and Shikome nuzzles Rumia idly next to me.

He looks between us and the zombie's rotten remains. "I mean… I'm actually slightly disappointed. This is fine, though..."

Smiling, Shikome steps forward.

The remains begin to stir again. "Nn-ngh…"

"Oh- holy shit…!" He jumps, backing further away from the zombie. "Oo~h, I see. Zombie _pets_. At least I don't have to worry about this one trying to _bite_ me…"

...On cue, Zombirune starts to hobble towards him again.

"I'm actually going to shoot it if it keeps this up, you know." The man props the weapon higher on his shoulder forebodingly, taking a single step back…

...Promptly, Byakuren walks out from the right doorway, smiling.

...Noticing her, the man begins to navigate around the zombie to get to her-

Zombirune swings a stick-like arm at him as he passes, causing him to flinch to the side and move faster. "Ah- Jesus! Fuck…!"

"I was told someone wanted to see me…?" Byakuren pans her head around, looking over the four of us.

At first, none of us respond.

"Nao~..." Except for the zombie, who is slowly turning around…

"Indeed." I have found words to say. "I was wondering if you could pass on some knowledge to my friend here." I gesture to Shikome.

...After a moment, Byakuren smiles widely. "Why, I would be delighted."

...Actually, considering who she is, I clarify. "About body enchantment, if you could."

Her smile deflates slightly. "...Oh. Right. Well, do come in. I suppose I could show you a thing or two…"

With that, she turns around and moves inside, the man following closely behind her. I move up the steps to follow her, and Shikome trails behind me. The zombie trails behind Shikome, and as such we have this conga line of people following different people. Barring Rumia, unfortunately. She's cuddly, apparently.

Inside the temple, I notice the lack of things in the hallways.

Quickly, Byakuren stops before a door and moves to open it, only for it to appear locked. "Oh…? How strange."

To deal with this situation, she knocks on the door.

…

After a few moments of no response, she knocks again.

"That's one of the conversation rooms, isn't it?" The man observes. "The he- erm, the _heck's_ it locked for?"

Byakuren glances at him. "That is a good question."

…

She knocks again-

The door swings open partially. Seija hangs out of it for some reason, looking up at Byakuren. "Get the hell out of here. Will you get the hell out of here if I give you five hundred yen?" Pulling the coins out, she tosses them at Byakuren's face. "'Kay, thanks, bye."

The door slams shut. The coins that had collided with Byakuren's face are now clattering on the ground, although a few ended up in her bust.

…

The man awkwardly turns to her. "Uhm… you know, you have a few in your-"

 _Bam!_ Byakuren's arm lunges forwards, smashing the door open. It violently swings inward on its hinges and hits the wall, only to fall off of the hinges and onto the floor.

Inside, Seija, some cream-haired girl in monk robes, and some fluffles were around a large rock. Seija turned to the door- or at least where it was- irate. "I thought I gave you money! Piss off!"

Calmly, Byakuren steps forward…

Seija gets in her way. "Bitch, I'm going to- woah, hey!" Byakuren simply walks into her, placing her arms between herself and Seija to push her along.

The cream-haired monk stood between the two and the rock. "I-I'm so sorry, Hijiri! I have to do this! Forgi- waah!" Seija was pushed into her, and Byakuren proceeded to push the two along.

Rushing to protect the rock, the fluffles start stacking ontop of one another in the way of Byakuren. "honh honh honh honh…"

The girls were pushed into them, tipping them over. "Waaa~l!"

Finally, they were all pushed into the large rock. Even after this, Byakuren kept pushing them along, the rock scraping against the floor as it was pushed as well...

"You- you don't know what you're- aah…!" Seija struggled to fight Byakuren's arms. "Get your _hand_ off my _boob!_ "

Byakuren proceeded to push Seija, the monk, the fluffles, and the rock all out of an open door at the other end of the room. Once they were out, she stepped back inside and closed the door.

…

Turning back around, she smiled at us. "We seem to be short a table, at the moment. I don't believe we'll need it."

I don't even know what was supposed to be going on, but it all seems to be sorted out, now.

Taking a few steps forward towards the middle of the room, Byakuren sits down on her legs. "Why don't you all take a seat?"

Shikome steps into the room first, followed by her zombie.

"Nghn-nnnh…" The zombie grunts, for some reason-

Cr-crack…

Awkwardly, the zombie alraune's pod contorts, and it makes its torso rigid.

Smiling, Shikome takes a seat on the new platform provided by the zombie's contortions. That's an interesting way of doing that…

...I think I will stand, for now.

For some reason, that guy is still here with us, and he takes a seat to the right of me, crossing his legs. Curiously, I see he's got boots on.

...Byakuren looks up at me. "Don't be shy, now. Take a seat."

For some reason that sounds more like a threat than a suggestion.

Taking the hint, I sit down on my legs, as well…

"Before we begin…" Byakuren leisurely runs her gaze over us. "Why don't we introduce ourselves?" To kick things off, she introduces herself. "I am Byakuren Hijiri… although I'm sure you already knew that."

Is that so. In any case… my name. Hmm.

"You may know me as Shikome." Shikome suddenly speaks up.

Byakuren gives her a nod.

"Xavier Abaddon Bloodworth." I make myself known, to some extent.

...After a moment's hesitation, Byakuren nods at that. Then, she turns to the man…

...He blinks. "What, me too?"

Byakuren snorts. "Yes, you too."

Rolling his eyes, he reciprocates. "Alri~ght. Call me Stormy, that's what everyone calls me. It works."

"Alright…" Byakuren nods twice. "I'm sure we all know who Rumia is, though it seems she's not here right now."

She's not wrong. Rumia is currently in some form of comatose, which she enters whenever Shikome uses her as a plush doll, or fuckdoll.

"Before we begin…" Byakuren looks at Shikome. "Who's your _other_ friend?"

...Shikome shrugs.

"The one who shifted into a seat, for you." Byakuren specified, still smiling.

"Something from the woods." Shikome shrugs off the zombie's existence.

"I see." Byakuren looks over me and Stormy for a moment, before returning her gaze to Shikome. "Is she yours?"

"It is forever mine." Shikome states plainly.

...Byakuren seems to process this for a moment, running her gaze along the zombie as well as Shikome.

"When did you kill her?" Byakuren asks equally plainly. "Her magic signatures are indeed unlike any stage of death… though something tells me she didn't die naturally."

Shikome tilts her head. "It isn't dead?"

...This seems to slow Byakuren's momentum. "...Ah?"

...Silence. 'Tis a great conversation.

"Where-..." Pausing, Byakuren shakes her head. "Forgive my manners. I can't help but pry, sometimes."

Looking over at me, Byakuren speaks, her face still unexpressively happy. "What did you wish to ask me, again?"

"I wish you to teach her," I gesture to Shikome, "body enchantment magic."

...Byakuren looks back over at Shikome. "Shikome, where did you find your friend?" Instantly, she returns to prying. "The plant one, I mean."

"In the woods." Shikome replies aptly.

…

Stormy chuckles under his breath. "What's gotten into her…?"

Taking a deep breath, Byakuren asks _another_ question. "Did you make her as she is now?"

Shikome exhaled. "The imp failed to yield, and suffering befell it. That is all."

…

"Alright." Byakuren nods at that. "I'll keep that in mind. Sorry for annoying you, I was just… concerned, is all." Shifting slightly, she continues. "What would you like to know about body enchantment?"

"How?" Shikome makes it pretty direct.

Byakuren snorts. "I see. Stormy, would you get…" She brings a hand to her chin. "We'll need the cyan-teal stone, and the holy one. Nothing fancy, just the simple stone fragments will do."

...Stormy blinks at her- almost smiling, but restraining himself- before getting up. "Yeah, thanks. Just what I wanted to do. Fetch _stones_."

Stumbling to his feet, Stormy began marching out of the room.

…

We all just stare at one another uncomfortably in his absence. We're all friends here.

I decide to question this stone situation. "What do stones have to do with body enchantment?"

Byakuren tilts her head towards me. "What do _you_ know of body enchantment?"

That it involves the body.

Before I can say anything, Byakuren continues. "While body enchantment is, well, body-based, enchantment in and of itself can require reagents. You will find this in any enchantment endeavor, and while it is not so common in body enchanting, it is still present."

"OBJECTION!"

 _Bam!_ I slam my arms against the floor before myself.

...Byakuren blinks at me, her expression quizzical instead of neutrally happy, for a change.

"...That statement was objectionable." I point at Byakuren meaningfully, shaking my finger.

She exhales, smiling again.

"I'm pretty sure you shouldn't use a holy stone on a youkai, though." I suggest. "Just an idea."

Snorting, Byakuren holds a finger up. "That is actually a common misconception often made by those outside of the field of enchanting. While on some levels holy magic is harmful to youkai- particularly offensive magic- it can be used for a number of utilitarian non-elemental effects. A holy stone doesn't necessarily need to create holy in and of itself, either. You see…" She stretches a little. "Holy and darkness are very charged elements, but of the two, holy has a lot of raw energy. Therefore, it can be used moreso as a battery or catalyst than an actual ingredient."

...I really cannot reasonably argue against knowledge-based logic, be it bullshit or otherwise.

Stormy walks back into the room, holding two small rocks. "I~'m back! Did anyone bite each other's dicks off while I was gone?"

Shikome stares at the holy stone.

...Byakuren just stares at him. I stare at him too.

"Apparently so." Raising his eyebrows and glancing away, he proceeds towards Byakuren. "He~re you are…"

She accepts the stones. "Thank you, Stormy."

"No~ problem." He promptly sits down next to me, again.

...Standing up, Byakuren takes another deep breath.

"To begin…" Byakuren faces Shikome. "Do you know how to detect your own mana?"

"Obviously." Shikome states this, but did not know how to detect her own mana until this morning.

"Excellent." Propping arms at her sides, Byakuren begins instruction. "Body enchantment- as one might expect- deals with the body. Enchantment, however, is the application of magical effects to objects. In some cases, it's the simple placement of mana into external objects. However, that's not what we'll be talking about today. We'll be talking about how one can use their own mana to distribute new magical effects to their body."

Nothing about stones, huh. Also, what she just said implies stones are unnecessary, for now.

"It's not too different from using spells, at its most basic." Byakuren states. A moment later, she glows a pale cyan. "In fact, I would even say the most basic body enchantment magic and wards are even easier than normal casting concepts. This is partly because body enchantment is a subsection of casting as a whole."

Gesturing to herself, her lecture continues. "This enchantment I cast on myself is nothing special. All I've done is simply made my mana glow, resulting in illumination. This is done by, in a sense, feeding your mana to yourself. Or, in different terms, putting your mana into yourself like you were putting it into an external object."

She holds up one of the stones, the teal one that Stormy brought her. "There's two ways to go about doing this, actually. It would do one well to experiment with both."

Stepping towards Shikome, she holds out the teal stone. "This way was one used in Japan before greater control of magic was documented. The magicians of old would partially filter their mana through mana-saturated stones to achieve the glowing effect."

...Shikome focuses on the stone.

After a couple seconds, it dissolves, leaving behind some cyan sparkles.

…

Byakuren nods at that, smiling. "Oh, dear. It seems it wasn't set up, properly."

Stormy holds his arms up. "Oh no~."

Byakuren jerks her head towards him.

"I- what do you mean?" Stormy is suddenly upset about the prospect. "I worked hard to find that common magical stone from that well categorized room of common magical stones!"

...Relaxing, Byakuren turns to Shikome again, and Stormy just drops the whole thing for no reason. Definitely not suspect.

...After a moment of Shikome trying to channel her mana into herself the normal way, she begins to glow pink.

"I see…" Byakuren smiles at her progress. "You're a fast learner."

...What was that stone even _for_ , then?

"That is one of the first steps to body enchantment. It's sort of the template, if you will." Byakuren explains. "There's more to it, but knowing how to allocate one's mana around their body is an important step."

Experimenting, Shikome makes various parts of her body glow, such as her legs and hands individually.

"Do be warned…" Byakuren began cautioning her. "If you simply charge a limb with mana and strike with it, you could very well damage the limb, or in extreme cases, lose it."

...Shikome's limbs promptly glow brighter.

"On that note, I have something to help with the buffering of such mana overcharging, so that accidentally hurting one's self is harder when going by the basic methods." Byakuren reaches into her pocket…

Slipping out the holy stone, she holds it out for Shikome to take.

...Focusing on it, Shikome furrows her brows, and seemingly reaches out for it…

 _Boom!_

It explodes into a quaint white blast in Byakuren's hand. Moments later, the light fades, a small puff of smoke rising into the air from Byakuren's slightly scuffed hand.

...If Byakuren had any opinion about that, she was hiding it pretty well. She's still got that stupid smile on her face.

"That was unexpected." She admits. "...In that case, I suppose that's all I have to teach. At least, when it comes to on-the-spot instruction. I'd have to take some time and think if I wanted to teach you anything advanced."

"Is that so?..." Shikome steals Rumia's catchphrase.

"Indeed." Byakuren doesn't bat an eye at that, turning to leave the room. "Now, if I could ask you two to leave, that would be greatly appreciated. The temple is preparing for a festivity, you see."

Really subtle. She basically told us to get the hell out of here.

...Before Byakuren makes it out of the room, Shikome stands, approaching the wall behind us. Her right arm begins to glow bright pink.

Byakuren opens the door, only for there to still be a rock and some hooligans outside.

...Seija had her arms folded. "You done in there, yet?"

Byakuren takes a step forward, and taps the rock with her fist. It promptly crumbles apart into clumps, causing the fluffles to raise their fins and the monk girl to pout.

...Seija's eyebrows slowly rise. "I am going to _kick you_ in the _cunt_."

 _Bam!_

...That was not the sound of anyone getting kicked in the cunt. Rather, that was Shikome punching a hole in the wall behind us with her fist.

Bringing her hand up, she looked at its mangled form as it slowly twitched and shifted back to normal…

Byakuren was looking at her neutrally, still smiling like a dope.

Pressing his legs against the floor, Stormy began to fall back to the side wall of the room…

"I understand now… vermin." Rotating herself, Shikome looked at Byakuren.

…

She looked over at Stormy, mouthing something to him.

Stepping forward, Byakuren began approaching Shikome again. This time, she seemed to have more purpose.

Noticing this, Shikome returned her attention to her.

"This is quite more theatrical than it needs to be, isn't it?" Byakuren smiled at her… not that she wasn't already doing that. "...Now, why is that?"

"Speak no more, you worm. We will decide this another time… which may come soon." Shikome seems to be having none of Byakuren's run-around.

Byakuren suppresses a giggle. "...I see. Well, before you go…" She looks Shikome in the eyes. "When you leave here, will you ever intentionally kill someone?"

I don't like the direction this conversation is taking. Pre-emptively, I stand up…

"Now, you see-"

Byakuren holds out an arm. "I would like her to answer in her own words."

Think fast. Items to get us out of this situation…

...Well, I do have those slick running-away scissors. Also, hedge cutters.

I think it's time to _run_.

Kr-krik. The zombie alraune begins to shift back into non-chair posture…

I begin to move for the door.

Shikome speaks, smiling. "There is no living thing on this plane that does not kill another."

...Byakuren sighs, her smile dropping a little. "Then, I'm afraid I cannot let you leave, today."

Now she's gone and done it. It's a good thing I've mastered the art of running away really fast.

"Let's go." I announce the battle strategy as I head out the door.

Stormy begins to stand, fiddling with his cannon thing. "Oh, man, we're actually fighting!? Fucking-... I didn't calibrate this thing for excess use today, but it'll have to make do!"

Shikome glances over at him.

Drawing a bright, rainbow-colored scroll from somewhere, Byakuren furled it open, and began glowing herself. "It always pains me to do this, you know. But, at the same time, force is sometimes necessary in this world we live in."

...Also, Shikome's still holding Rumia. That might be a problem.

Turning to me- as I was still in the doorway- Shikome props Rumia on her feet, and gives her a curious shove towards me-

Rumia spins across the floor on her shoes, arcing towards me, allowing me to catch her.

...That was some Dr. Seuss shit.

Grabbing Rumia bridal style, I begin to run out of the hall. All it will take is another left to get out of the temple, since we're not very far in to begin with…

...As I'm halfway down the hallway-

 _Bam!_ Shikome is launched into the exterior wall, and considering the volume, she's probably beaten me outside.

Running, I quickly reach the temple's front doors, and move outside.

Out here, I do indeed see Shikome. She's back on her feet, six tendrils defensively arced around herself.

 _Bam, bam!_

For some reason, Byakuren plows through an upper portion of the wall with her fists, making another hole in the temple. It does allow her an aerial advantage from the start, however...

"Please, stop this." Byakuren asks of Shikome. "I can help you."

Shikome doesn't reply, maintaining her defensive posture.

After making my way down the front porch stairs, I am now making my way across the courtyard cautiously…

At Shikome's non-response, Byakuren lowers towards the ground… "Superhuman, Byakuren Hijiri."

Shikome watches her-

 _Woosh!_ Byakuren whirls right past her, a trail of pastel blue danmaku in her wake. Shikome moves to jump out of the way, anticipating another rush in the opposite direction.

She makes it into the air-

 _Thwash!_ Byakuren's next dash clips Shikome's lower body.

As a result, Shikome goes soaring into the sky, over the exterior courtyard walls.

 _Woo-woo-woo-woosh!_ Byakuren finished her set of dash attacks, likely as per part of her spell card, weaving a myriad of bright blue and white trails in her zigzag-shaped path.

...The bright trails all promptly shatter into violent curtains of danmaku hell, spreading out across the entire courtyard.

Once Byakuren's set is finished, she thrusts her arm into the air-

 _Woosh!_

Her uppercut allows her accelerated jump speed, soaring high into the sky, a trail of blue light in her wake.

By the way, _fuck_ danmaku. These bullets she left me _hurt_.

"Ah- shit, shit…!" Stormy, who got outside at some point, seems to appreciate the bullets, too. " _Fuck_ me! Screw _this!_ I didn't sign up for friendly fire…!"

Promptly, he turns around, ducking his head and hobbling into the temple.

I've had to strafe into the grass along the courtyard path to dodge and weave through this danmaku. I've managed to only get hit about twenty times so far, and every bullet makes me want to kick a small animal.

Rumia is also not really helping this situation, right now. She's too tiny to make a good body shield… that, and she's not necessarily _light_ , either.

Booking it as fast as the building, throbbing pain will allow me, I make it to the stairs that lead away from the temple proper.

Instead of taking them, I opt for the adjacent hillside, and begin running down. When the hill's steepness causes my traction to fail, I simply settle for sliding on my rear. Accenting it with an occasional jerk of my body to keep things moving on this unfortunately rough hill, I continue down the hillside at a good pace…

...As for where Shikome and Byakuren are, I think I can tell by the laser light show going on in the forest to my left.

Upon reaching the bottom, I take a moment to stand there and contemplate life, catching my breath…

It's a nice life. At least I have a loli...

I see Shikome dart around in the brush off the path, the trees darkening and the plants getting molested in her wake.

 _Bam!_ Byakuren plows straight through a tree with her fist, tipping it aside. Considering the amount of trees, it'd likely be problematic for her to do her rush attack, unless she's really fine with bashing herself right into multiple trees.

...Seemingly realizing this herself, Byakuren's blue glow fades, becoming rainbow colored again.

Dry brambles seem to lurch towards her, the nearby dead plants becoming aggressive.

Byakuren looks like she's about to kick them, but reconsiders, darting higher into the air-

A tree's branches abruptly attempt to clamp into her, only for her to grab the branches and crush them with her bare hands.

Rising higher into the air, she moves to escape the barren canopy.

...Below, Shikome seems to be sprinting about, finding positions with the most trees to sink her tendrils into, so she could maximize the amount of control she had.

Again, Byakuren drew her glowy scroll…

She slowly spins in the air, the midsection of her scroll seeming to expand, becoming longer and exemplifying this by obeying gravity, albeit loosely.

Behind her, a huge, rainbow, luminescent floral pattern began to appear in the air, four smaller flower sigils appearing at the corners of it.

"Great Magic…" Byakuren announces another spell card. "Devil's Recitation!"

She drops towards the tree tops abruptly, as if her flying ability suddenly ceased to be-

 _Vuu~m…_

Shy of the tree's branches below, the four flower sigils light up blindingly bright, casting red light across the nearby, daytime woods.

 _Vu-Vrrrr~!_

From each sigil, a marginally dimmer red laser is fired. Four red beams rain down into the forest, severing a few of the trees below.

Byakuren is seemingly propelled back up into the air by the force of the lasers she fired, emphasizing their firepower.

...Now that I can _see_ , it seems that Shikome is now looking for another spot, her four trees now reduced to two by the laser blast.

A low hum came from the pattern behind Byakuren again, even lower than the one previously. Then, those four flower sigils began firing blue, arrow-shaped danmaku bullets, all in straight machinegun lines. Except, they were all firing ninety degrees away from the battle. Good aim.

….Slowly, the streams of bullets all began to rotate towards Shikome's position-

Fwam, fwam, fwam, fwam! Bright, white orbs began generating randomly in the air around the entire scene, each the size of a person. Slowly, they fell towards the ground-

I had to step out of the way of one. There's a lot, and they just keep spawning.

"He~y! What's going on!?" For some reason, a harpy flaps her way out of the trees somewhere behind me. "Are we having a danmaku fight!?" She's got tan wings, and brown hair.

Also, no. No danmaku here, clearly.

 _Fwam!_ Byakuren adds spread shots of huge, scarlet orbs to the mix, which are even bigger than the person-sized white orbs. Between the randomly surging machinegun fire, the orb spread shot, and the rain of white orbs, Byakuren has quickly turned this hillside into a hellzone.

Shikome was currently dancing between the trees in the brush. Fortunately, none of these bullets had the smashing power the lasers did. Even so, the trees were promptly stripped of their branches by all the incoming bullshit.

Darting forward into the storm, the harpy flaps her wings violently. "Wo-wo-woah! Who's shooting!? Where- ah!"

She flies straight into a slowly falling white orb as she dodges the blue arrows. "Ow, ow- _ow!_ "

She ends up flying straight through an arrow stream just a moment later, leaving her already crackling with danmaku energy.

 _Thwash!_ One of the huge, scarlet spread shot orbs blindsides her. " _Eeaa~h!_ "

...Noticing the harpy fall, Shikome darts from her hidey hole between four trees to reach it-

 _Vuu~m…_ Byakuren's flower sigils glow blindingly bright again, still firing the immense bullshit hellstorm down.

 _Vrrrrr~!_

Shikome leaps back towards- and over- the trees she once took cover behind-

 _Ba-ba-ba-bam!_ This time, instead of being one-offs, the four solid lasers persist, remaining in addition to this hellstorm Byakuren unleashed onto the forest.

 _Fwoam! Fwoam! Fwoam!_ Portions of the air above explode like fireworks, circular, ring-like spreads comprised of the person-sized white orbs I'd seen before.

At this point, all the audible noise has been reduced to a mishmash of danmaku spawning noises and the sound of those lasers carving through trees like a thousand degree knife through butter.

Shikome was moving in a roundabout way through the woods to reach the grounded harpy, the four lasers following closely behind her every move as she leapt from treeside to treeside.

 _Fwash!_ Another ear-piercingly audible noise is heard over the unpleasant ear molesting. It seems that the blue arrow machine guns now have two additional spreads that only fire forty-five degrees to the left and right of the main stream. How useful.

...I was now hiding behind a tree, because fuck all of that. The tree I'm _hiding behind_ is crackling with danmaku energy.

Reaching into my backpack, I begin to draw my makeshift rifle. This seems to be a good time to use it as any. First, I just need my… water scissors, electric scissors, glove- oh, I have it on- and, hmm… this might take me a moment. _Especially_ with this Rumia I have to take care of...

Smaller, red bullets begin to gravitate out from Byakuren in addition to everything else. Yeah, just keep adding _more_.

Diving through the gap between the four lasers, Shikome makes a mad dash for the harpy, seemingly disregarding the machine gun streams, the huge waves of white orbs, and- oh, she's bothering to dodge the huge scarlet orbs, at least.

It's so bright, I can't see what's going on. Shikome's doing her thing, though.

…

After a moment, I see Shikome dart out of the light, moving towards me with the harpy in her arms. She was also crackling with danmaku energy, which didn't seem to hamper her mobility _yet_.

Well- I've got the~ water scissors and a nail in my pocket, and I'm currently trying to maneuver the electric scissors out of that rubber pouch…

Shikome exhales, a tendril stabbing into the tree behind me by piercing the spot _right_ next to my head.

The tree's bark begins to grey, and the roots start shifting to lower us into the floor…

Yeah, we might as well just fall into the earth at this point. Go underground and take a nice _sit_.

...In five seconds, we're about a quarter of a foot down. The path right next to the tree I ducked behind is now unable to be seen through the bright mix of white and red. In five more seconds, we'll probably be dead.

Shikome stomps the dirt beneath us irately as it refuses to move faster.

"Go!" Slipping out my black scissors clumsily, and shoving the rubber pouch I had pulled out into my pocket, I reinforce my grasp on Rumia and just _move_.

Shikome barrels into the brush ahead of me, the things behind her dying in her wake.

Without any time to think, I move behind her-

 _Cr-crack!_ The tree behind us explodes, four thick lasers intersecting on its position at once.

I slide to keep up with Shikome's haste, finding a good system that's somewhere between tripping on my face and saving myself the moment I start to trip. Running with style.

...Bullets all around us, pain smashing my back and traveling up my legs, and hell lasers hot on our heels.

That pretty much describes the next thirty minutes.

/ / / / DIDN'T REALIZE BYAKUREN HAD THAT CARD UNTIL I READ THE WIKI / / / /

It is now sundown. We're in the bamboo forest, which is actually pretty dark around sundown. There are some voices in the distance, but they don't seem like they'll be bothering us, at the very least. Good.

...Shikome's tendency to corrupt plants around her isn't helping brighten the 'dark forest' situation, either.

We're both crackling with danmaku energy, though. Shikome's practically _glowing_.

"Nngh…" She stumbles around a little.

We're both in some clearing, surrounded by dead bamboo trees at this moment.

...Wow. It actually _hurts_ to _stop_ running.

...Unable to stand anymore, I plop down onto my rear, Rumia's weight making it more unpleasant than it needs to be. "Oof…"

Shikome exhales, looking around somewhat dazed, with the harpy still in her grasp.

I look up at her, grinning. "Welcome to Gensokyo."

...She doesn't look very amused by that.

By the way, where are we?

END OF CHAPTER 61.5

PROTAGONIST: Matthew, the Debatably Sane Outsider, Lord of Edges, Scissor-Slinging Slasher, Insurance Fraud Expert, Used Goods Reseller, Evil Spirit Cultivator, Shrine Maiden Evader, Professional Youkai Developer

PRIMARY WEAPON: Dash Scissors - Succubus training tool. Allows horizontal quick-dashes, for dodging and agility purposes. Doubles as scissors for kinky, cloth-cutting occasions. Or stabbing. Sleek, black design.

OFFHAND ITEMS: [A Single Rubber Glove] - For those moments one needs to touch a live power wire with one hand and fap with the other.

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - Takes up no inventory space, because it is the inventory space. Has nine slots, and is easily accessible.

Steel Scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Quick Scissorang - Non-elemental scissors that are enchanted to return to the owner with ferocity. Not that powerful of a weapon, but combined with strong string it can be used like a powerful grappling hook. Looks like it belongs in a Barbie catalog.

Flame Scissors - Fire-elemental scissors that have an incendiary effect on strike. Boosts fire magic and abilities, as if I had any. Enchanted to grant 20% fire resistance, and reduce discomfort near fire.

Blessed Steel Scissors - Stained lightly with fresh blood from a young human female. Sharp, shiny-ish, and to the point! Also blessed...

Steel-alloy String - An experimental item provided by Alice as part of her testing. She uses these herself to manage her dolls, or so I'm told.

A Tuft of Cloth Strings - Pink, regular cotton string. It's soft, and clean.

(two more spaces remaining)

[Backpack] - Allows extended inventory, of twenty slots. Can hold larger items, but it takes longer to pull them out. Items inside are safer. It's also baby barf green.

Hedge Cutters - Rusty lawn pruning tool used by farmers to keep the vile hedges at bay. They're also sharp, so they've probably been used more than once in self-defense.

Dense Shard - A cloudy, very light grey shard. It's not a rock, however… it's too textureless. Perhaps usable as a reagent.

Teal Stone - Cool and refreshing to hold, exuding power of the wind. It's sort of shiny, too. Perhaps usable as a reagent.

Hackjob Rifle - A pseudo-railgun, made from an AK-47 barrel and a mangled toy gun. Laced with duct tape and wires to function, powered by electrical scissors, and uses small iron pellets as ammunition. Explodes violently if fed anything non-iron as ammo. Outside is coated with vegetable oil and must be wetted regularly to avoid violence upon powering up. Has yet to be fired, so power is unknown...

Water Scissors - Scissors that continuously produce water. How troublesome. 

Goldfish Snack Crackers - They're smiling. They might make a good snack...

Modern-ish Surge Protector - Protects against surges. Not very useful without unified electrical practices in housing. Can still be used as a paperweight and a brick, though.

Rubber Pouch - Stores electrical objects safely. Too small to add extra inventory, but doesn't take up any space when it's filled. Currently holding electric scissors.

Electrical Scissors - Must be held by gloves at all times, lest they cause electrical fires. Can cause severe shocking and electricity-induced stunning in individuals susceptible, including myself if I'm stupid. Unable to be turned off.

(twelve more spaces remaining)

==o==

PARTY:

Shikome, the Black Scion of the Saigyou

WEAPON: Dark Tendrils - Able to create tendrils from any part of her body, she can use them for powerful physical attacks.

INVENTORY:

[Defiled Kimono] - Coated in the coagulated blood of numerous unlucky people. Grants pockets.

(two inventory spaces remaining)

==o==

Rumia, Youkai of the Dusk

WEAPON: Unarmed.

INVENTORY:

[Rumia's Outfit] - Some kind of outfit. I'm not sure how Rumia maintains it. Properties unknown. Grants pockets.

Red Ribbon - It's a ribbon in her hair. It's small, too. Takes up no inventory space. Properties unknown.

(two inventory spaces remaining)

==o==

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

oh hey it's you

hi friend

anyway, this chapter…!

had some fights! one with a THING girl, one with a PLANT GIRL (not really that much of a fight innit), one with BYAKUREN

byakuren's card turned out to be a lot more shit than i anticipated! it was cool though

i still have very little idea if people are as interested in reading action as i am writing it but i've saturated my stuff with it and it seems to have gone over well enough so far

shikome kinda captures the bluntness of murder and death i wanted matt to capture a bit more but being in his perspective kinda makes it hard to make his motives too mysterious, although i think his natural personality does a good enough job

maybe it's too much me trying to really paint death as this like conceptual thing whenever matt picks off a target of his, then proceeding to almost ignore its gravity when shikome slaughters people

hmm; it'd be nice if _someone gave me words on this matter mmhmm_ ; i mean my proofreaders kinda sorta have and their interest says something but y'know i'd like a wealth of viewpoints to best ascertain my footing, yeah?

also…!

magical exposition with alice! i think that was interesting enough to be a lot of words. byakuren's explanation mighta been kinda pushing it (especailly 'cause she _bullshitted_ a margin of it) but it was immediately contrasted by some action

not sure if all the action and exposition at once is a bad thing i need some voices

oh yeah, to that anon guest reviewer:

when has matt getting beat the fuck up ever made him not double down on his intent - w -

also brad getting robbed is a consideration that could go well, but it wouldn't be overwhelmingly equip-based and be more of just a brief event if it even did happen, otherwise you'd just get my guy being annoyed and all whiny about grinding for crap again and that'd just prolong the _already ungodly long progression_

not that this long period is a bad thing but we don't need to artificially extend it with externally-suggested filler - w - i guess part of it is that i just don't like the idea but i'll think about it

although that does give me some good enemy ideas

as a whole this fic is really more about the journey than the destination as evidenced by the seventy something chapters of wandering aimlessly and collecting loot :3 so there's almost no such thing as a 'filler chapter' since all this shit's essentially happy crappy filler but at the same time i'm doing my best to make moments count where they may, even if my best sometimes isn't good enough

but, y'know, i'm learnin', yo!

as always, see you all next time!

CO-AUTHOR'S NOTE:

11/10 "Just enough water" - IGN

this was a fun one to make, especially since i could finally give shikome more of her own character instead of a side one-liner to complement my own existence, because she isn't supposed to be at all

shikome is entirely of my own design, including all of her dialogue. i personally think i did well enough and managed to avoid making her seem like a one-dimensional character of just gimmicks and no real personality. if you got any complaints, you can give'em to me… by giving them to the main author in the 'reviews' anyway, help

by the way, it seems it has…

HAPPENED AGAIN

17k more words, except this time at least half of it is exposition and the other half is flailing wildly with a small portion of that flailing wildly involving rumia

do you love reading pure exposition for 10 pages in a row

yeah me too, and it ended up being _free._ as if alice blabbered on for so long that she just wanted it done and over with already, even if she didn't gain anything from it

also the loli spree killer finally had her first actual fight, woo. i've wanted to do that for a while but never really had the chance too, although i wish it were against someone more FEASIBLE than a flying, enchanting land-nuker. byakuren's not known as one of the hardest touhou bosses for just no reason. this isn't gonna be the only encounter as well, which will be _fun_.

just a side note, kicking my ass isn't gonna suddenly make me realize that slaying people is morally wrong. if it did that SURE TOOK A WHILE DIDN'T IT. just took butchering like ten people and watching other people slaughter several more for me to realize "wait a moment, i think this isn't a good thing to do." might as well just go back to the temple and live out the rest of my days as a buddhist monk

no seriously, does anyone actually read these


	78. Ground Control to Major Fluff

(in which we're rocketmen)

This is ground control to ma~jor Tom…!

Yeah, I waited a whole arc just to make that joke. It's funny. Laugh. Ahah.

Donning my space suit, with Ha-chan by my side, I walk out of Eientei's weird cryo lab place like I'm walking on the moo~n!

"Wo~w…" Ha-chan watches my suited antics. "That looks hard to move in…"

Dropping the act, I begin walking normally. "No, not rea-"

 _Fwoa~m!_

...A purple shockwave expands out from my suit, and I begin floating. Some of the end tables in the hall out here start floating, too.

Ha-chan floats into the air with me! "Woa~h! We're floating, Brad-kun! We're really floating!"

You can _fly!_ This is not a new experience, I don't think…! Well, actually, technic-

Oof! A moment later, I land on my _ass_.

"Owie…" Ha-chan flops onto her stomach next to me.

Cla-cla-clack. The end tables clatter against the floor as they land again. Aw, yeah, this suit's gonna be a fun time. I dunno if I should wear it _all_ the time, though. This thing's clunky as shit! At least the resistances make up for it, kinda~...

We get back up, Ha-chan springing up to my side again. "We should _show this_ to people! They're gonna think we're _wizards_ or something!"

Ah, yes, spacemen are known to be versed in the arcane arts. Ho ho!

We continue down the hallway. I think I'm just gonna ditch this joint and maybe head down to the village again and do stuff. Maybe I'll go to the mansion and baffle everyone with this space suit I got out of fucking nowhere.

 _Fwoa~m!_

Oh my god, is this thing going to cast Zero Gravity literally every like five paragraphs? Holy shit.

I'm sent twirling through the air into an involuntary forward flip by my momentum. Aa~h…!

"Hehehe~!" Ha-chan air swims next to me. "This is fun!"

And-

Thu-thud. I land on my back- oof! Ha-chan lands on me…!

...Turning- while remaining seated on my stomach- she looks down at me. "It's gonna be hard to cuddle in that, though." You don't say…

…

"Help." I phone a friend.

Ha-chan tilts her head. "How?"

Get off, ya freakin'-

 _Fwoa~m!_

Jesus fuck…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...Okay.

The suit has been contained in my bag, for the time being! My game plan is to throw that shit on before I confront people. I'd wear it more, but yo, I am making _no_ progress with that thing on! Progress as in 'getting from point A to point B'!

Exiting the empty lady's room, I pat myself to make sure my camou-kimono's all set and stuff. Tying the sash is always freakin' weird…

"There we go!" Ha-chan pats the knot, 'cause she helped me with it!

...It looks a little like a cross between a pretzel and a bow, but at least I didn't just stuff the sash into my underwear or something.

Also, yeah, I was just in the lady bunny's bathroom because why not. I'm surprised there's even a men's room, though. No one was even in either bathroom…

Keeping my helmet onhand, me and Ha-chan walk out into the main lobby of the clinic.

Reisen's here, looking down at a clipboard. "Hrrm…"

Before I can do anything, Ha-chan hurries over to her, navigating around the desk to do so. "Hello~! You're a _bunny!_ "

...Reisen looks up at her abruptly. "A-ah? Oh… sure."

I wave at her! "Hello, friend!"

"Hi." She waves back at me. "...Do you need me to lead you back out of the forest, now?"

Good guess! "Yeah, yo." ...I was actually planning on flying out, but this is fine too.

"Alright, let me just…" Reaching under her desk, she pulls out that _big ass sniper rifle_ from before, slinging it over her shoulder like some freakin' super woman. "Alright, let's go. I'm taking this in case we get jumped by fluffles."

Jumped by little dust people with shell noses, yo. The tiniest of fates.

Moving past Ha-chan- and taking care not to accidentally bonk her with the sniper rifle's barrel- she begins to head for the door…

Ha-chan climbs up onto the desk clumsily, before standing up on it and leaping off on my side. Freakin' adventurous! "Let's go, Brad-kun!" She starts slipping what looks like her mittens and her scarf out of her pockets...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I follow Reisen out of the sliding door and into the probably cold air. Both the space suit and this camou-kimono with sun helmet combo are cold resistant, so either way ya dice it I'm not getting frostbite like, ever.

...In the midst of the woods, I turn to Reisen. "So, when ya had me snipe the shit outta those 'fluffles', didja actually make assassinamate people?"

...Reisen turns to me after a moment. "Well… yeah. I didn't know how you'd take the request, so… sorry. I mean- if you want to think about it a different way, you can blame the deaths on me. It was my fault, after all."

Eeh. I wave it off. "Sure. I mean, bunny battles are bunny battles, and those plasma weapons they had…" Ehehe. I don't think those security rabbits were carrying energy shields and rifles for show and tell!

"You're fine with it, then?" Reisen looks for reconfirmation. What's it ta her, anyway…?

"Yeah, yo." I nod at her. "If it wasn't me, you woulda just got someone else to snipe some brains outta their skulls."

"...Yeah." She agrees with that, looking ahead again. Jeez- how in the nine fucks does she just like _dance_ over the brush like that? Every now and again she'd do short leaps that somehow get her through clumps of roots or short bamboo. When I encounter the same situations, I can do nothing but brutally stomp over them and hope they don't cause me to tip over!

"I was kinda hoping you brought the potions you did." Reisen admits. "If you weren't there, though, I probably just would've gotten an intern to come with healing items."

See, yo? All's well end's well, yo. And I got a crazy _suit_ outta it!

"I had some as backup anyway, even if I couldn't get near the fight myself…" Reisen reaches into her pocket, and takes out a small boxy thing of some kind. It's blue and white. "Portable energy-powered restoration device."

Ooo. "Like a potion in your pocket?" I guess!

She snorts. "Kinda. It only works once every couple hours, though, and the regeneration's pretty slow."

Ha-chan's hovers down from the canopy above us. "How do you _eat_ it?"

Reisen almost tenses up for a moment, before giving the fairy a dry look. "...You-... well, very carefully." Pfft.

In the span of our conversation, Reisen somehow leads me out of the forest. Temperamental labyrinth _bullshit_ , yo…

"I have to go do work." Reisen stops at the edge of the bamboo woods. "It was nice talking with you."

"Don't get spawn camped, yo!" I give her a parting wave!

She snorts. "I'll try…"

With that, Reisen leaves me to my devices. Said devices are navigating the fluffy field ahead…

The sky's lookin' kinda _grey_ today. Hoh…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Passing by the fluffle stand- and ignoring it because it's _fluffy_ \- Ha-chan and I make our way towards the human village again. I don't think I'll stop there, I'll just pass through. Unless the guards give me shit, then I'll just skip it. Or, actually… I've got an idea. I'll do that if it comes down to it, though.

"It's _dark…_ " Ha-chan notices how gloomy the weather's getting. "No~."

Aw. "The sky's just sleeping, yo…"

"I thought it slept at _night_." Ha-chan protests, frowning up at the sky. "Stupid sky…"

Yeah. We should go hit it until it _breaks_.

Suddenly, my form flares up with light! Wat.

…

A moment later, the light fades and stuff.

Ha-chan stares at me idly. "...The sky's mean, but you don't have to get _that_ mad."

Pfft. Actually… "I think I leveled up, yo." I need to ask Yukari what the hell that means, because I've not gotten any skills past that one double jump ability!

Suddenly, a wolfman runs by us, sprinting really freakin' fast and panting. "Ah- shit, ah _shit…!_ "

Hoh. I wonder what he's-

 _Fwoom!_ Reimu rockets by, a ring of yin-yang orbs revolving around her.

Whe~lp, I'm just gonna pretend I didn't see anything.

...Ha-chan struts along casually with me. "Today is a _nice_ day."

Krakoo~m. Lightning flashes in the distance, although it's not raining yet. Oh, boy…!

Glaring into the sky, Ha-chan reasserts the premise. "Today is a _nice_ day!"

After some moments of walking and stuff, we approach the village gates! A guard's there, although his armor is different than the last time I saw it. This guy's got like, bronze _and_ iron on or something.

Instead of a girly sword, he's got this brass _pike_.

"Hello." I casually approach him, a hand around my waist in case he's another homicidal maniac.

...He stops looking at the floor, and looks at me. I can't see much other than his face, 'cause he has this bronze helmet on.

…

"Yo." I wave my hand at him. "Ya got a customer here."

The guard leans back against the gate. "Piss off, youkai. We don't like your kind."

Well, that's direct!

...I place my hands on Ha-chan's shoulders. "What about _her?_ " She steps forward a little…! "Ha-chan's _soft_ , and warm to the touch."

...The guard sighs. "Any fairy of Scarlet is a fairy not welcomed here. Not that we care much for the wild fae anyway…"

I slouch. "What, was it the party that kid sent to the mansion?"

He shakes his head. "No. The new commander gave us explicit orders to not accept _any_ youkai patronage, be they wild or from a faction."

Wat. "...What about that puppeteer from the woods?"

"We recently were given an order to no longer allow her in." The guard nods resolutely.

Wa~t. "...Youmu, the swordsman?" I forget her last name…

He blinks. "Who?"

"Floaty ghosty tail." I gesture to my side. Actually…

Casting my hand into the air, I throw it beside myself-

Fwoof. A crusty pillow lands in the grass beside the path.

Grabbing it, I shake it about! "Like this! Next ta her, it floats! She's got hair and swords!"

The guard gives me a half grin. "...Sorry, but no, she's no longer allowed in, either."

You're shittin' me. "Keine?"

"Exiled." The guard's smile fades, becoming a neutral expression again.

Now you're _really_ shittin' me. I was here just like, a _day_ ago. "...Yuuka?"

…

The guard sighs. "Well- it's not like we _can't_ let her in." Hah!

"The religious loons?" I point in the vague direction of the temple.

"Taoists and Buddhists are allowed, for now." The guard nods. "Our new high commander is looking for steps to both solve the Kazami menace, and mitigate the influence religious presences have on the village."

Hmm. "Does that include Reimu?" I guess. She's basically the one-woman Shinto faction, here. Well, there's Sanae too, and technically the Tengu.

He nods. "She's allowed for now, too. The high commander believes that youkai can be slain without reliance on holy powers. He wants to re-introduce magic to the guard, but only in limited capacity. The schools will teach basic… 'prefab' spells, I think? Sorry, I didn't hear much about it." Looking away, he comes off a slight more awkward than he did before.

Snapping back into posture, he gives me a frown! "I can't be seen talking with you. Go away."

Well, whoever the new guard commander is is going to get his ass kicked someday. Denying the big girls access to the grocery store is probably going to end no way except badly.

Guess I'm going _around_ the village, then! I was planning to bomb-hop inside, but if the guards are as anal as this dude, I'm probably going to have to fight a small army. Let's not do that.

…

Reeling my arm back, I toss the crusty pillow in the guard's face.

"Agh- you _fucker!_ "

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

That guy did _not_ have running capability. I guess it was either the armor, or that huge ass pike. It didn't look _light_ , that's for sure.

After a brief jog, and some getting winded, I am now at the front gate! The guard that was after me seems to have given up…

There's a nearly identical guy at this gate. Hmm~...

Oh, hey, it's Alice!

"I have a _clothing line_ here." Alice asserts herself!

"I'm sorry, Margatroid." The guard shakes his head. "No can do."

Adopting a tired expression, Alice brings a hand to the side of her head. "Let me talk to Keine, then."

"I'm sorry," The guard apologized again, "we've exiled her."

...Shaking her head, Alice turns and begins floating away. "...Okay."

The guard reinforces his posture, standing tall before the gate.

Geez. They're serious about the whole 'locking down the entire village' thing.

"It looks like it's gonna rain, soon…" Ha-chan stares at the sky warily. "Auu~..."

I start dancing before I walk into the guard's vision!

...Eventually, he notices me do a jazzy strut across the path! "Can I help you… youkai?" He seems to want to name my specific type, but I'm too varied for a direct label!

Do ya like jazz? Actually no- scratch that. "I have a terminal illness and will die in a week. What can you do for me?" I'm still doing a jazzy half-walking-half-dancing thing!

...He's too weirded out to reply, apparently. He's still watching me!

Ha-chan catches on with what I'm doing and starts strutting behind me with rhythm. Ho ho!

"Nuggets are rolling in on the coast." I try to get another response from the guard.

"Are you a celestial?" The guard takes a guess. "...This seems like something they'd do."

I have not once ever seen a celestial on the ground, barring Tenshi when she was following me around. Where _is_ she, anyway? Probably back in the sky. How do they handle rain? Pressing questions, yo~...

"I kinda am, on my mother's side." I inform the stationary tin can. "My dad was a wolfman."

"I'm sorry for your loss." The guard presses F to pay respects… and by that I mean he nodded at me.

"I'm George," I gesture to Ha-chan as she struts behind me, "and this is Sally." Pausing, I spread my arms out! " _This_ is my pawn shop. And you never know _what's_ gonna come through that door!" I point at the village gate!

…

It starts raining.

"Noo~!" Ha-chan expresses her fury to the clouds!

ZaZap! Some bolts arc up into the air and fizzle out.

"Alright, get the hell out of here." The guard shrinks back into his armor, getting soaked. "I blame you for this."

Wahaha!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I've now got my sun elemental helmet on. Between how wet everything is and the fact I'm not cold at all, I feel like I'm plowing through freakin' adverse conditions, in a good way!

Me and Ha-chan are moving up the shrine steps. I've gotta use Tundra Bloomer to stop myself from slipping to my doom, and Ha-chan's just floating beside me 'cause screw wet super stairs.

KraKoo~m! Thunder in the dista~nce!

I'm half-tempted to strut up the stairs jazzily, but if I tried I'd probably slip and fall to infinite doom. You don't wanna slip and fall to infinite doom…

It takes some moments, but we reach the top of the stairs. I am completely soaked, but this cold resistance is kickass. The water still feels weird and such, but I'm not freezing my ass off.

When we reach the top, Ha-chan hurtles towards the shrine doors, equally soaked except with none of the cold resistance. Oof.

I jog after her as she slams the shrine door open!

Inside, there's a freakin' tiny party of people. Holy shit.

Maribel and Renko are both sitting at one side of the kotatsu. Keine's sitting at the far end, and Kogasa's here too, for some reason. The final spot at the kotatsu is occupied by Suika…

That's like, five people. Reimu's out beating up wolfmen, too.

...Now that I'm in here, I take off my sun helmet. I don't _think_ I'll be needing it!

Hohohoh, that thing squishes my ears when I take it off...

"Hi~!" Kogasa waves at me!

"He~y, Renko-chan!" Maribel elbows Renko lightly. "Brad's here!"

"Who…?" Renko was already looking at me before she got elbowed. "Him?"

...Keine's just kinda lookin' real drowsy at the moment.

"Aa~h?" Suika flops backwards softly. "Oh- yah…"

Running towards them, Ha-chan slides past Suika to get under the kotatsu. "Co-cold…!"

Jesus, yo. Three's a party, but seven's a freakin' army!

...Oh, yeah, I forgot to put on my space suit. I didn't think anyone was gonna be home, anyway, but uh… guess I was wrong on that front!

The shrine's dimly lit, a static orb of light hanging above the kotatsu rather drearily. I wonder who cast that.

Knock knock. Someone's at the back door. Holy crap, more people?

Giving the back door a glance, Renko quickly turns to Maribel. "Someone's here…"

Maribel starts to get up. "I'll open it!"

Strutting towards the kotatsu, I look around with slight shock…! "There's a freakin' ton 'a people here, today!"

"Right?" Renko agrees with me. "When me and Merry showed up, it was just that shrine maiden."

Abruptly, Kogasa chips in. "I need new sandals, or shoes! I'd like shoes..."

Keine flops back onto the floor, looking exhausted. Oof.

Maribel slides the back door open.

"Hey, Rei-..." Freezing stock still in the doorway, Nitori gazes at the fluffy person.

...

"...Want in?" After a moment, Maribel moves out of the way to allow the kappa in.

KraKoo~m! Lightning, yo!

"Why're there so many of you…!?" Nitori slowly backs up as she gazes into the room…

"Come on in, _son!_ " I yell at her from almost the other side of the shrine! "We're gonna _remove_ your _skull!_ "

Maribel flails her arms at me from across the room.

...For some unholy reason, this provokes Nitori to walk in. Her backpack's bigger than _her_ today. It's probably _wet_ , too.

In one hand, she's got a really big wrench. Ho ho…!

...Nitori looks around sheepishly as Maribel slides the door shut behind her.

Bam, bam, bam! Someone wails on the shrine's side door. Christ on a bike, son…

Smiling smugly, Kogasa squirms in place.

...Aw.

Maribel waves the other door off. "They can open it themselves…"

Renko grins at her. "That was a rather abrupt change of heart. Aren't you already up…?"

"So…" Speaking up, Nitori slowly steps towards the kotatsu. "What- what're you all doing here? Where's Reimu?"

"We committed robbery and murder on a global level." I confess. "We're getting shot into outer space."

...Nitori's not buying it! "Just hanging around, huh?"

"Mmh." Keine gives an unenthused grunt from the floor.

"Do you know where I can find some new shoes?" Kogasa questions Nitori.

Nitori perks up from her awkward demeanor! "...Actually, I could make you some!" I have a feeling that they'll cost an arm and a leg. I've yet to buy anything from the kappa, but I don't remember them being selfless people. Either they're super selfless or super _selfish_.

"Really?" It seems Kogasa is excited by the prospect! "Could you make them really good at sneaking too?"

"I could give you cloaking technology." Nitori grins at her. Okay- Nitori's _totally_ driving that price through the roof. "Sneakers with a mobility-based cloak seem like they'd suit you… maybe ones with limited teleporting capacity, too." You can make what now?

"Yeah! That's awesome!" Kogasa's pumped! "You're so cool, Nitori-chan!"

Nitori reaches into a pouch on the side of her huge backpack, and pulls out a waterlogged clipboard. There's paper on it that is somehow totally fine. "That'll be~..." She looks over the clipboard for a moment, but doesn't write on it. "One hundred and thirty thousand yen!"

…

Kogasa stares at the kotatsu ruefully. "I got some shiny rocks…"

...Nitori slouches, not expecting her to be dead broke.

Y'know… "What's the most expensive thing you can make off the top of your head?" I give Nitori a challenge.

"Probably a vehicle with as much augmented technology I could muster. This includes weaponry and automated guns and defenses, alarms, so forth… and size matters when it comes to pricing, lemme tell you." Nitori explains some of her pricing logic. "But, if you wanted a tank the size of the shrine with all the bells and whistles, we're looking at an upwards of ten to eleven billion yen."

...Does that much money even _exist_ in Gensokyo?

Dryly, Renko critiques her pricing. "How many people carry eleven to ten billion yen in their pocket?"

...Nitori makes herself look innocent. "Oh, some people."

Yeah- uh huh.

"I wanted to show Reimu something I made…" Nitori states her reason for being here. "But, since she's not here…"

"We must see the technology." I announce.

...Everyone looks at me. Barring Suika and Keine, anyway, they're freakin' dead inside.

"It is of great benefit to nuggetkind." I justify my assertiveness.

...Maribel sheepishly adds to my insanity. "Ignore him. You don't have to show us if you don't want-"

"It's fine." Nitori struts towards the right end of the room. "This'll help me test out how it works."

Bam, bam, bam! That person outside wailed on the side door- the one Nitori's nearing- again. "Hakurei! On behalf of the Village Youkai Hunter's Guild, you _will_ grant me audience!" ...I don't quite recognize the voice, but it's female.

"Great." Keine monotones from her spot on the floor.

...Nitori pulls her backpack off, and sets it down next to the door. After a moment of staring at it, she crouches down and pulls it back a little bit. Then, she undoes the top flap, and pulls-

 _Clang!_ It'sa hunk of metal! More specifically, it's like… a blue cube of metal.

She presses two buttons on the top-

 _Beep! Beep!_

Then, she reels her wrench back above her head, and _whacks_ it!

 _Clang!_ Sparks fly from where she strikes-

Vrrrr~! The box begins unfolding and stuff!

"Wo~w!" Maribel expresses awe while standing next to Renko! "It's transforming!"

Ha-chan raises her arms! "It's an _origami device!_ "

Vrr-rr-rr-rr! After some folding, the machine's revealed to have a tub-like, rounded top. It's also got three legs, it seems…

Rrrr~. With one final whir, it seems to finalize its deployment.

It's a freakin' _sentry gun_. A level one sentry gun!

...Beep! It lets out a single beep as it starts rotating back and forth.

Maribel's jaw is dropped. "Is-is that a…"

Similarly baffled, Renko finishes her sentences. "That's a sentry from Team Fortress!?"

Nitori looks at them curiously. "...I'm not sure what a team fortress is, but you're right. It's my new, dynamic-deployment sentry model!"

Beep! Patting on it, Nitori smiles. "The retail model only fires danmaku, and ballistics cost extra. Currently, I've got this set to danmaku firing mode, and I've set it to 'non-hostile deployment lite'."

Yes, I know what those words mean. "What do those words mean?" I ask Nitori what those words mean.

She smirks at me. "Basically, everyone in the range of the sentry when it is deployed is temporarily registered as a non-target. Everyone it can see, it is friendly towards. The only person I've currently got permanently listed as friendly is myself."

Ooo. Danmaku area of denial, yo! Although, since it's danmaku, I bet it's dodgeable if you see it coming.

"You've been warned!" That girl outside is still yelling at us! "Hakure~i!"

 _Bam!_ She slams the door open!

...Oh, hey, it's that one samurai chick from the village. What the hell was her name again… oh, right! Meira! Samurai Meira!

Doesn't quite got the ring 'Samurai Jack' does, though. Actually- no, ki~nda…!

...She sheepishly stares into the room prior to entering it, her katana raised. "...Wh-why are there so many of you? Is this a ritual ceremony!?" She sure ain't as smart as Jack, though, lemme tell ya that much...

Also, look at that kotatsu and get back to me, yo. Unless our evil ritual is being drowsy and lazy…!

Before anyone can say anything, she continues. "Keine!? I _knew it!_ "

Meira runs inside, her katana raised high and ready for violence! "Kamishirasawa, I-"

 _Tat! Tat! Tat!_ The sentry begins firing at her!

It shoots bright, really long blue danmaku bolts that move stupid fast.

"Ah- what…!?" Meira freezes in place, and starts looking around. "Ow-ow! Wh- ow- where!?" She begins swinging her katana around. "Haku- agh- Hakurei!?"

 _Tat! Tat! Tat!_

" _Die!_ " Raising her katana through the pain of being shelled by danmaku, the samurai girl runs towards Kogasa.

"Ah- whah!?" Kogasa reacts, floating into the air! As she does, she displaces the kotatsu...

The kotatsu tips over onto Renko, smooshing her. " _Oof!_ "

Keine's starting to get up. "Me-Meira, what are you-"

Suika's rising from the commotion. "Wha~ah!?"

"Aaa~h!" I yell! Waaa~h!

 _Tat! Tat! Tat!_

"Aaugh!" Meira collapses forward onto the kotatsu, crackling with danmaku energy.

"Wo-woah!" Renko gets smooshed again.

Cla-clack. The katana Meira held clatters to the floor.

…

Maribel's just standing over the scene with her hands over her mouth.

The sentry stopped shelling Meira once she collapsed.

Keine's now standing up, watching the scene with caution.

...Finishing a swig from her ground, Suika wipes her mouth. "Aye~'m _drunk!_ " Good job.

Crouching down, Maribel begins freeing her friend from her kotatsu prison…

Nitori's standing by her machine with a smug expression. "That's what'cha get."

==== FREAKIN GENSKOYO ====

Meira is neatly positioned on the floor behind Suika, who is now using her as a pillow.

Everyone's seated again- except me, Ha-chan, and Nitori, since seating is a limited prospect.

Maribel and Renko are next to each other again! "Do you guys know if Reimu keeps any snacks around…?" Maribel scratches her cheek idly…

Keine shakes her head. "Unfortunately, the few snacks she has are likely her daily meals."

Renko snorts. "...That's kinda sad. How's she broke? Isn't she like, a hero or something?"

...Unsure of how to answer that, Keine looks over at the beeping sentry gun. "From what I understand, it's complicated…"

"You know what's complicated?" Kogasa becomes one with the conversation. "Getting new _shoes_."

"Here, have mine!" Ha-chan decides only now to give away her maid shoes for some reason. Leaning over, she begins taking them off…

"Cool!" Kogasa smiles at her!

"Nn~gh…" Meira's still conscious-ish. She's also still crackling with danmaku energy, so that might not be indicative of recovery anytime soon…

Behind me, the front shrine door slides open. Holy shit, no wonder Reimu's broke. This place is gonna become a YMCA by the end of today!

"He~y, Reimu~!" It's Marisa, the fluffy-hatted magician! "I've come to pla~y, ze!" She's also soaked to the bone, her fluffy hat drooping over her face.

She steps inside-

Be-be-beep! Sentry has spotted a target!

 _Tat! Tat! Tat!_

Marisa begins to get bombarded! "Wh-what? No…!" Acting hastily, Marisa draws her broom under herself and flops onto it. "Re-Reimu- what the-"

 _Tat! Tat! Tat!_

"Nngh…!" Clumsily, Marisa hangs off the side of her broom with an elbow and a knee, as she moves around in circles. "Rei-"

 _Tat!_ The final blow sends Marisa rolling to the floor. "Nnghah!"

Thud. She ends up on her side, crackling with danmaku energy, her hat resting beside her.

...I look over at Nitori, who seemed to have been fiddling with the sentry the entire time trying to make it stop. She's frozen now, though, giving Marisa a long _stare_.

Walking over to Marisa, I get down on my hands and knees in front of her…

She looks up at me, and glares.

"Hi, son." I greet the fluffy mage. "The engineer… is engi- _here!_ " Wahohoho!

"Nnh…" She twitches a little in frustration!

…

After a moment, I start to get back up.

"So~rry!" Nitori apologizes for the inconvenience from a safe distance. "That was me!"

...Marisa manages to roll herself onto her back, and stares up at the ceiling.

"They don't _fit_." Kogasa is attempting to slip one of Ha-chan's dress shoes on, and failing. "They make my feet feel _big_."

"Awwh…" Ha-chan's seated on her own knees next to Kogasa. "My feet aren't _big_ , though…" I don't think that's what she meant, Ha-chan, but okay…!

…

"Who left the shrine door open…?" Oo~h, that's Reimu.

Nitori realizes this, too. "Uhm- uh- Reimu, hey!" She starts running towards the front door…

"Nitori?" Reimu begins to enter through the front door. "What are- when did so many people get here."

"Happy birthday!" I throw my arms into the air! "We remembered!"

"Don't come in yet!" Nitori hastily tries to stop Reimu from entering the shrine. "Give us a few moments!"

Reimu steps in anyway. "What's going-"

 _Tat! Tat! Tat!_ Standing in the way, Nitori takes the bullets. "Ah- oh- ow! Re-Reimu-"

 _Tat! Tat! Tat!_ Promptly, Nitori collapses before Reimu. The miko hastily backs out the door, and shuts it on her way out.

…

"Maybe…" Keine looks over at the sentry. "We should do something about that."

I wave it off. "Na~h."

...This prompts her to give me a dry stare. "Well, you don't want Reimu to get hurt, now do-"

"Why's this door open _too?_ " Reimu moves to step in from the side door that Meira came through earlier. "Seriously. Also, why are there-"

 _Tat! Tat! Tat!_

"Ouch- wo-woah!?" Flailing her arms, Reimu starts accelerating backwards until she slams into the front shrine wall. "Agh!"

 _Tat! Tat! Tat!_ She gets pelted into the shrine wall repeatedly!

"Ca-Cautionary Barrier!" Throwing her arm forward, she creates a golden square of energy, with some kinda yin-yang pattern on it!

It floats forward from her a bit-

 _Tat! Tat! Tat!_ The sentry's bullets patter against the force field square Reimu made.

"Se-seriously…" Bobbing in the air woozily, Reimu steadies herself before the forcefield, her body crackling with blue danmaku energy. "Who _put_ that there…?"

"A-aah…" Nitori raises her arm from the floor lazily.

...Reimu gives her a dry stare.

 _Tat! Tat! Tat!_ Sentry's still goin' at it!

Reimu maximizes a yin-yang orb in the air beside herself, and sends it whirling towards the sentry-

 _Boom!_ On impact, the sentry explodes into various parts. Awwh…

...The orb dissipates, and so does Reimu's barrier. Promptly, she lands, drops to her knees, and collapses on the floor. "U~gh… it-it's too early for this…"

...Keine disagrees. "It's well past noon." It's _hi~gh noon_ , _son!_

Reimu just looks up from the floor and gives her a _stare_.

Getting up, Maribel paces over to Reimu's position… "Let me help you to the kotatsu. You're all wet…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Everyone is now no longer bound by danmaku energy. Except for Meira; when she got up, Reimu just kinda melted her face with bullets so she'd go back down again.

"You know…" Nitori presses her thumbs together, standing beside Reimu. "I, um, got a few extra models if you want me to showcase-"

"I _think_ I'm good." Glancing at her, Reimu declines.

Speaking of Reimu, she was now in Maribel's spot. Maribel's now standing up with me and Marisa, and Ha-chan's sharing a spot with Kogasa…

"So…" Taking a sip of the tea she'd made, Reimu glances around the table. "Who's actually here for a _reason?_ "

Nitori, Keine, and Kogasa raise their hands.

"I wanted to showcase my new product to you…" Nitori sheepishly explains her presence.

"Nice job." Reimu looks over at Keine next…

"The village is barring access from all youkai, and exiling all of those normally exempt."

...Reimu just shakes her head. "Why's the village so uppity, lately?" Finally, she looks over at Kogasa.

"I need shoes!" Kogasa needs shoes badly!

Ignoring her, Reimu looks back at Keine. "I'll go have a chat with them, then. When the rain lets up, that is."

"Thank you…" Keine gives Reimu a smile. "Be careful, though. I've only got a glance of the new commander of the guard, but he doesn't seem to be a silly person in the traditional sense, this time."

"I'll bring a potion in case he pulls a flintlock on me." Reimu waves the concern off. "Flintlocks kinda suck as weapons, but I _guess_ I can see why humans use them…"

"Right!?" Marisa agrees! "Those muskets and flintlocks suck compared to like, lasers. They ain't like the guns some of the youkai can make…" Idly, Marisa eyes the broken sentry parts…

"Mmm…" Sipping her tea, Reimu closes her eyes.

…

"So, Nitori…" Grinning, Marisa meanders towards the kappa. "How much for one 'a dose?" She points at the broken sentry debris.

...Ntiori blinks at her, before smiling. "We~ll, normally they'd go for twenty thousand yen per, and the operation wrench is five thousand yen… and that's the danmaku model only. Ballistics is a whole different story."

...Marisa rubs her chin. "Hmm. I think I'll get back to ya on that. At least it's not something stupid expensive like ya usually charge…"

I bet the sentry with dual gatling guns and rockets would cost like, five hundred thousand yen.

Reimu speaks up. "You know how the bullets are really, really long?"

Nitori pauses. "...Yeah?"

"Make it not do that." Reimu passes judgment on the danmaku's fairness! "Fast is alright, but they have to be small enough to _dodge_ , y'know. Although, think about making them slower, too. You could probably make more money selling difficulty-based models, and overpricing the harder ones."

…

Nitori raises her wrench to the air! "Thanks, Reimu! You got pretty good business sense for a human!"

Reimu just snorts. "Mmm."

I just noticed, but Maribel's got a raincoat on instead of her normal school attire. Renko does, too! It was probably raining outside the barrier, if that's where they came in from.

Turning towards Renko, Reimu casually gazes at her. "Do you know where that guy you were with last time went?"

...Shaking her head, Renko denies. "Not a clue."

...Reimu just nods. "Why'd you guys come back, anyway?"

"We wanted to explore and stuff." Maribel chips in…! "Compared to where we came from, this place is pretty amazing."

At that, Reimu snorts. "...If you say so."

"Oo~h…!" Marisa gets hyped up! "If ya wanna explore, explorin's my middle name, ze!"

I turn to Marisa. "Too bad, noob. They call me the _exploradora_."

"I think we'll just follow Brad, for now…" Maribel makes her decision. "He seems to half know where he's going."

"Hey." Marisa furrows her brows. "...I know where I'm going a _quarter_ of the time."

...Sliding out from under the kotatsu, Renko starts to get up.

"Well…" Reimu sips from her tea again. "The more of you get out of my hair, the more happy I'll be."

Renko snorts. "That's an apt way of putting it, huh?"

"If I don't put it bluntly, I'll be having a sleepover." Reimu states plainly. "...I'd rather not have a sleepover. I get enough of people during the daytime."

Marisa struts towards Reimu… "Reimu~ze, you remind me of Patchy when ya say things like that."

Renko and Maribel gather closer to me, while Ha-chan seems to just gravitate away from Kogasa to my position…

Party of four! Ho ho!

However…

"Before we go, yo…" I hold up a hand, and start proceeding towards the kitchen. "Allow me to switch some of my equipment around!"

Maribel blinks. "...It's another stupid costume, isn't it?"

Good guess, yo! "Yeah, pretty much. Give me a few seconds, yo…!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Sliding the kitchen door open again, I step out…

...Shaking her head, Maribel slowly grins. "Where could you have _possibly_ found that?"

Renko's eyebrows just slowly raise. "O~kay. I thought, by 'change equipment'... huh."

What, you think I was takin' a piss? That'd actually be a good cheesy joke for that, but nope!

Marisa chuckles at me. "Wo~w. You _actually_ got the suit. Was it everything ya wanted and more?"

 _Fwoa~sh!_ Zero Gravity, son!

The deep purple shockwave spreads out, and almost everyone around me- kotatsu included- drift into the air.

...Reimu sighs, drifting up and to the side, still under the kotatsu somehow.

"Pfft-hahaha~!" Marisa lets herself float. "I bet ya'd be a riot at dinner parties with that thing…!"

...Suika, despite being in the effective radius, is not floating. Huh.

"Wawawa~!?" Maribel flails her limbs! "I feel like I'm falling…!"

"Probably because you technically _are_." Renko handles this situation better, seemingly articulating herself to keep an upright position, somehow.

Kogasa sighs, a happy expression on her face… before she kicks her leg and ends up upside down. "Wh-woah…!"

And then-

Thu-thu-thud-clack-thud. We all fall down, yo.

Reimu's kotatsu is upside-down, and she's lying in it. Her tea cup is precariously balanced in her hand…

Marisa falls upside down, but rotates and barely lands on her feet. "Woa~h…! I actually landed it…!"

Maribel's on her _bum_. "Aa~h…"

Renko lands upright, having prevented herself from spinning. "...There."

Keine and Nitori were outta the radius, so they just watched the spectacle. Kogasa's upside-down, though. Freakin'... bloomers!

Oh, yeah, I also landed on my ass again, and so did Ha-chan. "Freakin'..." Getting back up, I move for the door. "Let us start our expedition, yo…!"

Hastily getting up, Maribel begins to move after me. "What spell was _that…?_ "

"Zero Gravity, yo." It's aptly named, innit?

Renko snorts, following after us. Ha-chan moves after us, too.

"Nngh…" Reimu's cautiously trying to articulate herself in a way that'll get herself up without spilling her tea...

We'd better skedaddle before Reimu maneuvers herself back into a position to chase us…! Well, more accurately, _me_.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We are at the top of the shrine steps…! I don't think Reimu feels like flying after me in the rain, so just being outside the shrine is security enough.

I don't feel the rain at all, because this space suit's _snug_.

Maribel and Renko seem to have brought these basic blue umbrellas today. Hoh…!

They cautiously begin walking down the stone steps, looking at their shoes the entire time. "At least it's not _windy_ …" Maribel expresses her discontent with wind. "We don't have to like, doggy paddle up the stairs like when we got here."

...Instead of taking the stairs, I begin to walk for the wet hillside next to them. After taking a few steps down, I slip onto my bum and slide the rest of the way! "Ho ho~!"

Dryly, Renko commentates on this. "Good job."

Ha-chan just floats down after me, hugging herself. Oof…

...At the bottom, I- hmm. Getting back onto my legs might be a slight project with how slippery everything is! This space suit also contains my hands, so I pretty much can't feel anything outside of it.

...Ha-chan stands next to me, getting slightly wetter with the passing seconds. Oh no.

Managing to spring to my feet, I turn to her. "You should get under their umbrella, yo. It's umbrellatastic."

Ha-chan looks worried, for some reason. "Last time I was under an umbrella, it _attacked_ me."

That's umbrellacism, son. "Kogasa's an umbrella, yo."

Ha-chan tilts her head. "Who?"

...They never exchanged _names_. Freakin'...

"Umbrellas…!" I dunno what to say! "They block the _rain!_ "

Maribel and Renko are now down at the bottom of the steps.

"Just c'mere." Maribel gestures for Ha-chan to get under one of their umbrellas.

...Sheepishly, Ha-chan hesitates for a moment, before darting under Maribel's umbrella like some kinda cat.

"Awfully wet day, isn't it…?" Curiously, Renko looks up at the sky. She ends up looking at the rim of her umbrella instead but yeah. "It wasn't raining in both places the last time we came here."

...Huh. That _is_ curious.

We walk along the path towards the human village just kinda naturally. We're not gonna get let in, though, so uh… although, the temple's in this direction, so that might be fun. I was originally about stopping at the mansion, but since Maribel's already been there I want her ta see somewhere _new_ , yo.

I should've asked Kogasa to come with us. Umbrella youkai on a rainy day, yo…

The dirt path we're walking along is like, half mud. I've been taking the concrete roads on the outside for granted!

"Do you think Gensokyo has a need for rain?" Renko poses another question, still looking around…

Maribel smiles, looking ahead. "Maybe. It doesn't seem like the weather in here is the same all the time, so I wouldn't be surprised if its ecosystem was just independant. I got no idea how clouds and temperature works, though…"

Ha-chan looks back and forth between them… "What's an ecosystem?"

...Grinning, Renko stares ahead again. "An environment, basically."

...Ha-chan looks unsure about that answer!

I notice that Maribel's got her suitcase with her today, as well! I wonder if she's freed up some space…

"Ecosystems are explorable..." I make idle chatter as we continue along.

It's a little brighter out now than it was earlier. I wonder if the rain's different, or if it's just the sun shifting…

After giving it a moment of thought, Maribel agrees. "Yeah."

...On the path before us, the mud begins to jiggle.

"Uhm…" Maribel slows to a stop.

"Hmm…?" Giving her a curious glance, Renko looks ahead. "Oh. Yeah, that's not supposed to happen, is it?"

"Nah, that's normal." I wave it off. "Mud souffles, yo. Nature's pastries."

The jiggling intensifies, before most of the mud washes off of some jelly-esque substance. Gradually, the bronze gel rises…

It's a slime girl! A _brown_ slime girl! Although, considering how glittery and shiny this one is, bronze seems more apt…

"Nuo~h…" She smiles at us! Her form's kinda sloppy, making it hard to distinguish what's just a buncha goo and what's supposed to be a humanoid body part. I _think_ she's got boobs…?

"Is she friendly?" Maribel backs up a little, unsure.

"Only one way to find out, yo." I-

 _Fwoa~sh!_

We're floating, again. Random cast of Zero Gravity, ho ho!

"O-oah…!?" The slime girl hovers into the air a little, before her gel pulls her body back towards the ground.

"Oh-oh, this sucks!" Maribel is hovering above the mud floor…

I move to try and catch her, but just end up twirling forward in the air a little. Waa~h!

Renko keeps herself steady, but stares at us with dismay. "Uhm…"

Fortunately, Ha-chan remembers she can float normally! Moving forward, she hides under Maribel… with seemingly no intent to catch her. Freakin'- is some of the mud floating with us, too!?

The spell runs out-

"Eep!" Ha-chan is tipped over, not expecting Maribel's descent for some reason.

Spla-spla-spla-splat! Aw. Gettin' down and dirty, son.

"For crying out loud…!" Maribel rolls off of Ha-chan and onto her back. "Oof…"

Ha-chan starts flailing wildly! "I-I'm all _dirty!_ Ew~…!"

Only Renko's boots are covered in mud. "Nice space suit."

...Grinning, I thrust onto my legs again. "I know, right? Freakin' credit to the team, yo…"

"Hau~..." Seemingly sinking down, the gel girl opens her mouth-

Brown bubbles blow out towards us, and pop over our heads-

 _Pop! Pop! Pop!_

...Promptly, we're all covered in more mud. Good attack.

"Ugh…" Getting up- and nearly slipping- Maribel closes her umbrella and tosses it to the side of the path. "Gimme a moment to get my weapon…!"

Reaching into my bag, I pull out Flame Salvo! Ho ho!

Renko draws some freakin' ornate scissors with her offhand from her pockets. One blade's black, the other's brass, and the handle's this really inconvenient design with these cast iron-looking, leaf-shaped protrusions.

Crouching down, and placing her suitcase on nearby solid ground, Maribel cracks it open…

"Alright, yo…" I proceed towards the mud girl. "Outta the way, noob."

...She smiles at me, and continues towards me. "Nao~h…" I~... don't know what that means.

Slowly lurching towards me, her lower slime begins to travel across the surface of the mud faster than her actual clump of goo moves.

I swing at the air menacingly. "Son, no."

Renko darts up to the right side of the goo girl- still keeping her distance- but doesn't actually proceed towards it.

"Alright…!" Maribel now has a plant hanger in one hand, and her suitcase in the other!

The slow slime girl's goo eventually reaches me, and wraps around my ankles, before slowly running up my body…

Luckily, this space suit is freakin' _tight_ , yo. Not necessarily tight fitting, but it doesn't have holes! If it had holes, it wouldn't be a space suit…

Trudging forward, I decide to tank more of the slime girl!

"Muh…" She spreads her 'arms' out and wraps herself around me.

"He-hey!" I hear Maribel's voice behind me-

 _sploo~sh_ …

Wow. I didn't think she had _that_ much goo on hand. I guess more of herself was underground, or something.

I am now completely submerged in bronze gel. The way it flows makes everything outside look like wobbly bronze statues… which is kinda cool!

A generic face forms against my helmet. Holy _shit_ that's creepy!

Her mouth moves, but doesn't say anything.

…

Alright, I have had enough of being submerged and stuff.

Raising Flame Salvo, I fill it with mana…

The flames jet forward, but are stopped by the girl's goo, making the spot they entered glow brightly. As the bright glow dimmed, a chunk of solidified goo was revealed in the area right ahead of Flame Salvo.

" _Nnh…!_ " I hear the goo girl protest!

Suddenly, my arm holding Flame Salvo begins to get jerked around. After a moment, I begin to get pulled to the side…

 _Splash!_

Abruptly, I'm ejected from the slime, and sent onto my side right next to it.

" _Ooah!_ " She's a lot louder out here!

Maribel looks over at me. "Brad! Are you hurt?"

I give a thumbs up from the floor. "I'm alright!"

...It doesn't seem like Renko or Maribel are actively doing anything. I don't think they've got any ranged attacks, which is a bit unfortunate-

I just remembered I got some danmaku I could shoot at her face!

From the floor, I aim Flame Salvo forward and try to channel danmaku through it.

"Should we just run!?" Renko yells from the path past the slime girl.

"I think so!" Maribel begins to strafe around the side. I've also just noticed that her plant hanger's a new one. It's freakin' jagged and boxy, and seems to be made of a bunch of reflective chrome panels…

I shoot a glowing, red danmaku cylinder at the goo girl from my hanger.

It drifts into her and fizzles out, leaving some sparks of energy behind on her goo's surface.

...It doesn't seem to do much of anything, though.

ZaZap! Ha-chan gives it a little zap!

" _Oauh!_ " The slime convulses rapidly, jiggling unnaturally-

Ooh! Something just felt vaguely good. Like I snapped a joint I haven't snapped in awhile…!

I clumsily manage myself onto my feet by some miracle, and start slowly strafing through the muck the slime cast me into when it ejected me. I'm tryin' ta get towards the girls, who're now both past the slime girl entirely.

More cylinders come from my hanger and hit the goo girl, but they don't seem to culminate in much!

...The goo girl progresses towards Ha-chan, who avoids it by floating up into the air.

...I don't think I'll aggress the goo girl much further, since it doesn't seem that we're doing a lot to her. My bomb hanger'd probably kinda work, but she seems too slow to chase us down.

"Hey!" Maribel calls up to Ha-chan! "Can you get my umbrella!?"

...Pausing, Ha-chan ducks back down for a moment to grab the umbrella from the side of the path, before floating up-

 _Fwuu~sh!_ A geyser of mud erupts under her, spraying rocks and grass into the air.

"Wo-woah!" Spinning out of the way, the half mud-soaked fairy maid continues towards us…

"Let's get the hell outta here!" I start clumsily jogging ahead in my space suit, only for the girls to easily pass me a few seconds later. It's not retreating, son; it's advancing in the opposite direction!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Now that we're almost to the gate, and away from the goo girl, Maribel takes a deep breath. "Ha~h… she _smelled_."

"Right…?" Renko shook her head. "Here I thought we were prepared and everything. It's a good thing she didn't follow us."

We're freakin' _soaked_ and dirty, yo. Nature has not been kind to us. Apparently it's not too cold, since Maribel's not freezing her ass off with all the mud and water that got on her.

Everyone's under their respective umbrellas again, and my suit is slowly getting cleansed of the grime's brunt by the rain. It's probably gonna look grungy later, though.

Eventually, we reach the gate!

Ooo~. More people…

Orin's standing outside the gate with her kitty cart. "Look- you've got _dead people_ in there. I _know_ you don't bury them anymore!" Her kitty cart's got a black umbrella!

"And I told you to _screw off_." The guard demonstrates he's not afraid of getting his limbs ripped off by a touhou. "Who knows what the hell you do with the bodies?"

Orin grins. "Well, we burn them…"

"Case in point." The guard leans back against the gate. "Next-... well, just go."

"Hmm?" Orin catches that. "Next what?"

"Nothing. Go." He points to the path as a potential direction.

...Slipping her hands behind her back, Orin stands before him idly, shifting about innocently.

"The hell're you-..." The guard sees my party walk up. "U~h…"

"We're the fluffle wranglers." I make my presence known. "We take fluffles, and we shove 'em up your ass."

The guard just blinks at me.

Maribel steps up beside me. "Eheheh… sorry about him. We- we're just wondering if you'd let us in?"

...The guard folds his arms. "No."

Maribel elbows me. "Idiot." Oof!

Orin looks over at us dryly, before locking her gaze on me. "Wh-what? An astronaut…!?"

"Ho ho ho!" I hold up an arm! "Merry Christmas!"

 _Fwoa~sh!_

I have taken away the gift of gravity!

Orin slowly floats into the air. "Ah- hey…!?"

The guard floats, too. "Wh- what the hell!? Put me _down!_ "

"Geez…" Maribel latches onto me since we're already next to each other. "That stupid suit…"

Renko keeps herself steady, again. "Alright, _who_ gave you that? _Where_ did you _find_ that?"

...I turn to her while still drifting up. "I found it in the bargain bin, yo."

Ha-chan drifts up to us, and latches onto Maribel. This causes her to jump! "E-eeh…!?"

And then-

 _Spl-spl-spl-splat-splat!_

 _Thoom!_ Orin's cart embeds itself partially in the mud. Orin herself lands on her bum beside it. "Ah- my dress…!"

Me, Maribel, and Ha-chan are in a pile in the mud. Wahaha!

Renko chuckles at us. "Wow. How…?"

"Putting on this rain coat was the best decision of my life…" Maribel monotones from the mud.

" _Fuck_ me…" The guard slowly stands up, using his pike as a prop to do so. "I have a right mind to sound the alarm for that. Which one of you did that?"

...Maribel points at me.

I point at Renko.

"What…?" Renko furrows her brows, before pointing at Ha-chan. "No."

...Despite being frazzled, Ha-chan points at the guard after careful deliberation.

The guard just blinks. "...Whatever. Don't let it happen again." Leaning back, he rests on the gate's side again.

Orin's trying to wipe her dress off. "...Hnn~h. I guess it was gonna get dirty anyway, but still. Wet butts suck…"

...You know, if Orin's right here, and she's got her cart-

Woah! Ooh… Ha-chan and Maribel helped pull me up.

Walking forward, I rest my hands on Orin's cat cart, and peer inside…

There's a single skull inside right now. Aw, yo… rest in peace, noob.

Stepping up to me slowly, Orin pushes into me with her arm and easily displaces me, forcing my hands off the cart. "Hands off the cart, space man. If ya want a wheelbarrow, go buy one."

I raise my hand. "Wait, yo. How much's it cost for a ride to hell for four people?"

Maribel blinks. "A ride to _where?_ "

Jerking her head back- not expecting this request- Orin looks at me through my helmet's 'glass'. "...Well, if you mean where I think ya mean, I guess uu~h… how's five thousand yen sound?"

Honh. "Sure, yo. Can we get ta you for a return trip, too?"

She snorts. "Yeah, probably. My next trip up here won't be in awhile. Most of my corpses come from the village anyway, these days..."

...That's somewhat worrying!

"I guess I can make a return trip here later ta drop ya off." Orin decides. She smiles and nods, her eyes betraying some of that good 'ol cat-like deviousness. "It'll be five grand for that trip too, though, kay?"

"Sure." I got fifty grand in the bank, yo.

...Maribel looks between us, before joining the conversation. "Are we going somewhere, then…?"

Reaching into my bag, I take out the five thousand yen. "Ye, ye. Ye."

Orin grins widely, before accepting the yen. "I oughta do a taxi service, or something…"

...Moving around her cart, Orin places her arms on the handles, and tugs- "Hnh!"

 _Plop!_ She pulls it out of the mud… "Alright, get in, get i~n…"

I move towards the cart. Ooh, gettin' in in this suit's gonna be an experience…!

...Orin holds it surprisingly steady as I climb over the side and flop into it. I also realize how freakin' big it is compared to wheelbarrows I've seen in the past. It's easily short enough in width to fit your arms on both ends, yeah, but it's still a bit wider and _way_ longer than a normal wheelbarrow.

...That umbrella's fun, too.

Maribel's eyebrows are raised as she moves to get into the wheelbarrow. "I~... guess we're doing this now."

Grinning at her comment, Renko moves along as well. "You were the one who told me Gensokyo was a weird place, Merry."

"I didn't know they had _wheelbarrow taxis_." Maribel plops down between my legs, which I've spread to the sides of the cart. Normally this would be cause for celebration, but this space suit is freakin' clunky, yo.

...Even so, I'll take what I can get!

Renko sits between _her_ legs. "Here we go… huh." She also realizes how big this freakin' wheelbarrow is. "Big wheelbarrow. Ah- hmm…" She notices the skull in the other corner. "Why's there a skull?"

Orin smirks. "Oh, I usually use this cart to transport dead people."

...Renko double takes. "You what now?"

Ha-chan leaps into her spot! She sits opposite to us, next to the skull, curling up a bit. "Wheelbarrow ri~de!"

"You guys all set?" Orin steps to the side, looking at all of our positions…

Maribel and Renko grab the sides of the cart. I've been doing so just 'cause it's the most relaxing posture, but I'm in the very back…

Ha-chan's not, 'cause yeah.

The umbrella seems to be fixed into place on the cart's side, too. Hoh.

...Slowly, Orin begins pushing us at the speed of half a step a second.

…

…

Daa~h… "Say, uh… can you-"

 _Splash!_ Orin suddenly pounds a leg into the muddy path behind us!

Ho ho~h! We're going at running speed now!

A torrent of mud is unleashed behind us. Rest in mud, guard person.

"Woah…!" Maribel gapes! "How…!?"

Below the cart, mud churns loudly as the cart is pushed ahead. As we continue, though, the cart bumps and splashes against a lot of uneven dirt on the path…

At the moment, it seems we're riding back down the Hakurei path…

Oo~h. That goo girl's ahead of us again!

Renko notices, looking ahead past Ha-chan. "Hey, u~h, there's a slime girl ahead of us!"

...Orin looks past us, but promptly continues pushing.

 _Splash!_ Once again, she seems to kick into the mud to propel us forward faster. Yo…!

Maribel raises her plant hanger, as if that'd do something. "We're gonna run into it! Maybe we should _go around!?_ "

 _Splash!_ Orin kicks into the soil again, and we accelerate to the point that she stops running along with it, and just floats with her hands on the cart's handles. It's like the cart's just dragging her along…!

We quickly roar towards the idle bronze slime girl-

 _Bam!_ Like a freakin' acrobat, Orin abruptly slams her legs into the soil beneath the cart's back wheel with a fast, fluid motion.

We tilt upward-

 _Squelch!_ We ride up the goo girl's form a little bit, and plow through it. Woah ho ho…! It's like driving through freakin' peanut butter or something! It doesn't slow us too badly, but it seems like the cart displaced a lot of the goo.

 _Sploosh!_ After a short drop, we slowly decelerate now that we're past the goo girl. Nevermind, we actually lost a good bit of speed doing that.

I look back-

Oh. Orin actually seems to have _let go of the cart_ for that stunt, and is now flying after us to grab on again.

Latching back on, she grins at me. "How'd ya like _that!?_ "

"...I guess it works!" Maribel, you did not witness what I witnessed, yo. Orin literally _abandoned_ the cart for a moment or two…!

 _Splash! Splash!_ Floating off the ground again, the cat girl pounds her right leg into the mud to push us along, similar to how one might accelerate a skateboard…

We blow past the Hakurei Shrine steps at like, _car_ speeds, rain blowing into the cart despite the umbrella above us.

"So fast…!" Ha-chan's excited!

As we accelerate along, we near the Misty Lake really freakin' quickly…!

To prevent us from going soaring into the lake, Orin starts digging her heels into the dirt path… although after a moment of doing so, she begins to make us arc to the right, in the direction of Youkai Mountain. We skid along the dirt and grass as the Hakurei path comes to an end before the lake-

 _Fwam!_ Ruby red danmaku brightly flares behind us as Orin kicks into the soil behind the cart once again, propelling us in the new direction. That turn also let me see how much mud we're kicking up! Holy frik!

"Things're gonna get a _li~ttle_ bumpy!" Orin yells at us from behind the cart!

Going off the trail, we roar over a small incline dotted with trees-

 _Ba-bam!_

"Hngh…!" The cart decelerates rapidly from the incline, causing Orin to press up behind it. Quickly, she begins pounding her legs into the soil to keep it moving, kicking up grass behind us…

Meanwhile, the uneven terrain's shaking us all around a little bit…!

Maribel's holding onto the sides of the cart hard enough for her knuckles to turn white. "I don't think this is safe…!"

You _don't_ say…!?

Renko looks back at her about as dryly as I'd anticipate.

"Woohoo~!" Ha-chan's having fun, though!

We begin to reach the top of the incline. Once we get up there, Orin grins widely. "Hang _on_ , everyone!"

She kicks into the soil, propelling us forward fast enough that we end up getting some air instead of conforming to the decline after the trees-

 _Fwoa~sh!_ Oh, yeah, my suit casts Zero Gravity.

Orin blinks, as the cart moves towards the ground-

 _Thud_. Bouncing off of the ground, the cart begins to slowly flip forward in the air, before Orin stabilizes it and makes sure it atleast continues to go upright and straight through the air…

Due to our holds on the side of the cart- and its current momentum- we're still inside snugly…

Ha-chan's now holding onto the sides of the cart, too, expectant of gravity-related bullshit herein…

"O~h, boy…" Maribel just sighs as she watches us soar over treetops, before turning to me. "If I break something, you're paying for it."

"I brought that Mega Potion, remember?" Renko reveals she somehow acquired a healing item. "If we don't break our necks from this, that should fix up anything."

...After a moment, gravity kicks back in-

"Woa~h!" Orin almost lets us drop, but saves the cart by kicking the bottom of it and lunging forward to grab the back of the tub outright, ignoring the handles. "The hell was that...!?"

...Gradually slowing down, Orin glides towards the earth slowly and gently, moving us forward the entire time. It still takes awhile for our momentum to die, though, so we make some good progress.

Currently, we're currently like, right before the forest that's at the base of Youkai Mountain. That whole jump pretty much got us through the big ass field prior to it.

 _Thud._ Orin places the cart on the ground.

"Ha~h…" She takes a breath. "Guys're givin' me a workout!"

"Is she super woman…?" Maribel can't believe we're not all dead yet.

"Looks like it." Renko's relaxed a lot more, now, no longer fumbling with her pockets.

Ha-chan claps her hands together! "Again! Again!"

Don't tempt fate, yo…

...Gradually, Orin starts pushing the cart again. She's accelerating a lot faster than she did the first time, pounding her legs against the ground as she pushes us forward. None of them are those crazy bursts of speed she did the first time, but this is cool.

We seem to be taking a well-trodden path through this part of the woods.

 _Clang!_

Wat.

...Looking to my right, I see a tiny cart bump up against the side of ours. Some fluffles are sitting inside of it, and no one's pushing it.

Maribel and Renko stare at it, too, furrowing their brows at it…

 _Clang!_ It bashes against us fruitlessly.

...Noticing this, Orin-

 _Bam!_ Oh, shit, she's doing that thing where she tilts the cart up again-

 _Ba-Clang!_ With some fancy footwork and pounding the floor, Orin tilts us towards the fluffle cart and crushes it completely by dropping ours onto it, embedding it half in the mud below us.

As we keep moving forward, she retains hold onto the cart this time, now adjusting it to its new alignment and making sure it's still moving forward and not towards the trees off the path.

...Maribel chuckles incredulously. "Wa~s that really necessary?"

"Caves're right ahead!" Orin yells! Oo~h, I haven't seen the caves before, yo…!

...Oo~h, I see 'em coming up, too. The entrance is pretty big, and seems to be framed with wood architecture of some kind…

We blow right through the open entrance, and enter the cave.

Holy crap it's dark in here.

After a few moments, I feel us start to drop… and not just for a brief moment, this is a good like two seconds so fa~r…!

" _Hold on!_ " Considering Orin's just _now_ reinforcing that we should hold on…

 _Clang!_ We're all thrown into the air a little as the cart bounces against some rocks.

"Aaaa~h!" The girls yell!

By 'a little'... I actually did mean a little, we weren't tossed out of the cart or anything close to that, but we still got freakin' manhandled.

A~nd we're dropping again. What, is this path just a long ass shaft of jagged drops…?

This time, Orin inches forward and hugs the wheelbarrow by the tub again. Oh, boy!

 _Cla~ng!_ Holy _shit!_

"Waa~h!" Ha-chan is nearly thrown from the cart!

A~nd we're airborne again. What is this…!?

…

Things slow down a little as Orin carries the cart by the tub instead of just letting us fall.

Maribel exhales, pressing a hand to her chest. "Ge-gee~z…"

"Sorry 'bout the slowdown." Orin apologizes for not breaking our necks. "This shaft always sucks on the return. I usually try ta go as far as possible without just carryin' it, but too much and the bodies…" Orin takes a breath. "The bodies just get thrown against the ceilin', y'know?"

Renko snorts, looking back at Orin…

"Aw, yeah." I agree with her. "Isn't it just the worst when your corpses get slammed against the ceiling?"

"Yeah." Orin agrees with me!

...The good part about going slower is that we don't have to yell over the cart's loud ass wheel.

A few moments later, she brings up that it's impossible for any of us to relate with that experience. "How the hell'd _you_ know?"

"But you-..." Maribel struggles to find words to describe this situation.

Honh, honh…!

…

As we descend down the shaft diagonal further, some gems along the cave walls begin to light up dimly.

"Ooo~..." Maribel and Ha-chan are both equally mystified by this. Ho ho!

...Some kinda luminescent apparition begins to slide out of one of the walls to our right as we descend. It's got a curiously swirly form, and the smog that comprises it is bright tan.

Orin looks over at it neutrally, before extending a leg and raising it to point at it-

Red, ruby-like danmaku comes out of her mud-soaked shoe, traveling towards the phantom in a straight line.

" _Huoa~h…_ ' The phantom dissipates in the air, its particles crackling with danmaku energy before it vanishes completely.

"Gem phantoms…" Orin mutters the name like they're some household insect.

 _Fwoa~sh!_

Ze~ro gravity powers… activate! Not that I have any control over them!

...Everyone floats up a little, before grabbing the sides of the cart again to push themselves back down.

Orin smirks. "Oh, woah!" We begin to move through the cave shaft much faster! "Light as a feather!"

Ho ho ho! Zero Gravity's actually useful instead of a nuisance, for a change!

…

We reach the bottom of the shaft, I think. There are torches down here, on little posts.

The cart barely makes noise as we stop at the bottom-

Gravity kicks back in!

Ti~ng. A noise is made by the gravity of the cart re-initializing.

"Now…" Pushing us forward along the smooth-ish bottom, we're moved into an area that seems to have ambient light. "Welcome to Old Hell!"

We pass through another large, wooden arch similar to the one on the surface.

...Yo.

Immediately, we're greeted by dim, amber light that glowed down from the cave walls. The cave itself was so massive and expansive that calling it just a 'cave' is like, calling a continent just an island. This is like, a _huge_ cavern with a whole freakin' biome in it! Things are so far away there's _atmospheric fog_.

In the distance, we saw plains of curious slants and slopes. Small structures dotted these outlying plains that lead up to the cave walls in the distance, but what caught my eye was the city that was straight ahead. It was far off enough to not appear near- and by comparison to modern cities it might not be _that_ big- but it looks pretty freakin' big…

I assume the amber lights coming off of the underground walls are flows of lava or something. They're not excessive, it's just like… the way the lava flows down the walls in some areas makes it look like the cave walls are cracked or something, and there's fire all behind it.

Light's also coming from the oni city, but only a bit.

It's like a _brand new_ game, yo…

"Wo~w…" Maribel takes in the sights. Yeah, you said it…! First time for all of us, here! Well, except for Orin, anyway.

"Hehehe~..." Orin begins pushing us forward leisurely. "Now that we're outta the rain, we can take our time, yeah?"

"Yeah…" Renko idly pats herself a bit. "It's awfully warm down here, isn't it?"

"Beats freezin' your ass off in the rain, though." Orin puts it aptly.

...I can't feel the heat 'cause of my space suit! I'd be having a bad day down here in my kimono, though.

"It's like…" Find words, Ha-chan, find words! "It's like a really _big_ room…!" Hoh. Words have been found, yo…

...So, yeah, cat cart adventures, yo.

"I'll be takin' us _around_ the oni city." Orin informs us. "Normally I'd run right through 'em all if my cart was empty, but it'sa bit hard with a full cart 'cause I can't just fly over crowds or do stunt jumps and stuff. That's also if they're _not_ blowing the city up again."

We eventually reach a ravine prior to the actual planes, which seems to separate the cavern's plains from its wall…

However, there is a bridge up ahead!

Once we reach it, I notice that there's a girl leaning against the side guard rail of it. It's a pretty snazzy bridge, yo…

Is that girl Parsee? That's probably Parsee!

...She's also a _lot_ cuter than I was anticipating. Nor is she as short as I had imagined!

"Hi~." Orin gives her a wave as we pass. "Just transporting some dead bodies, nya~!"

...Parsee looks up at us with only the driest of expressions. "They're not dead, and they're not bodies."

...This causes Orin to pause. "What? Whaddaya mean 'they're not bodies'?"

Quickly, Parsee accelerates in the air, landing at the side of the bridge opposite of us. "They're nobodies. Why are you trying to sneak nobodies past me?"

...Orin seems to deflate from her joke. "'Cause they paid me money." Ho ho!

Parsee frowns. "Of course people'd pay you money to get by me. No one pays _me_ money…"

Exhaling, Orin pushes us forward again a little. "If ya don't get outta the way I'm runnin' ya over."

"Fine. Do that, then." Parsee folds her arms, standing in our way. "...See if I _care_."

...Orin huffs, stopping the cart again. "Look- what, you want a cut? I can make a deal."

" _Now_ you want to make deals…" Parsee looks away, a vain expression on her face. "I bet you would've just blazed by me if I tried to make a deal first."

"Really lettin' loose today, ain't'cha…!?" Orin's starting to get annoyed!

 _Fwoa~sh!_ My suit does its thing and freakin' screws gravity.

...The cart slowly drifts into the air, only for Orin to grab onto it. "Okay- who the _hell_ keeps casting that? You have _terrible_ strategic sense."

I raise my hand! "Me, yo! That's me! It's me…" Yea~h…!

"Okay." Orin smiles at me. "Stop doing that."

"I _can't_." I let my arms go limp against the cart's sides. "My suit does it automagically."

...Orin just slowly rolls her eyes, before speaking in monotone. "Of course. Why _wouldn't_ a space suit just _remove_ gravity when it feels like it."

Right? That's what they were known for, yo.

Parsee sighs _really_ audibly. "Why can't _I_ have an outfit like that…?" ... _What_ about our conversation made you want this space suit?

"Besides…" Parsee looks to the side. "I heard it was better to be _honest_ than to bottle things up. I guess I can't be honest now. Cool."

…

Cla~ng! The cart stops trying to escape from reality.

Orin begins walking around it, proceeding towards Parsee. "Yer not plannin' on leavin' us with any whammies, now are ya…?"

Parsee tilts her head back and forth. "Honestly? Yeah. The moment you leave, I'm gonna make you all hate each other."

...Orin pauses, looking back at us, before looking back at Parsee. "Actually, now that I think about it…"

Clapping her hands, Orin calls out to us! "Outta the cart for now, kids!"

"Aww~h…" Ha-chan whines, floating out of the cart…

Renko and Maribel start to get out rather- woah shit!

 _Cla-Clank…_

The cart fell over, spilling us out onto the bridge…

"What's this all about…?" Renko was the first to climb back up! "You're not kicking us out, are you?"

"Na~h." Orin waves her off. "I just wanna see if you guys can reasonably rough up Parsee."

"What…!?" Parsee blinks! "You…!"

"Rela~x." With a smug expression, Orin addresses her. "If you're not down for that, you can just make two of them hate the other two and we'll see how that goes."

...Parsee starts nodding. "Okay, that's a bit better, actually…"

The green-eyed girl lays her eyes on us. Ho~h boy!

…

For a moment, it seems like nothing's goin' down. Me and Maribel get up, dusting ourselves off a bit… not that I can do it meaningfully with this _space man uniform!_

…

"You kinda need to be talking, sort of." Parsee instructs us. "Talk."

Cool power. Time to reuse a joke that immediately came to mind! "This i~s ground contro~l to ma~jor Tom…!"

Maribel snorts. "Took you _that_ long, huh…?"

Hey, yo. Sometimes ya just gotta find the right moment! I don't think that was a great moment for it, though… although it was a good ice breaker, I think.

"Brad-ku~n…" Ha-chan lands next to us. "Why don't you talk to me more?"

Ho~h, shit! That was sudden…!

"Da~h…" I turn to her. "I dunno, yo. I-"

"Why do you talk with her so much, too?" Ha-chan points at Maribel. "What does she have that I don't…?"

...I didn't think I'd ever hear these things coming from Ha-chan!

"Uhm…" Maribel raises her hands, backing away. "I-I'm sorry if I-"

"N-no!" Ha-chan starts to tear up! "You're _not_ sorry! I-I hate you!" Running towards Maribel, Ha-chan begins to flail her arms crying-windmill style!

"He-hey, no!" Maribel shields herself by holding up her own arms…

So _this_ is what Parsee meant by making us hate each other… she can control jealousy, can't she? That's kinda dangerous…!

Well, I'm not feeling weird at the moment, at least. Maybe I didn't get picked…

"Hey…" Renko abruptly turns towards me. O~h, here we go… "Your name's Brad, right?"

"No." I shake my head.

…

Renko sighs. "How could Merry hang around with someone so annoying…?" Renko's chill is slowly becoming less chill! This one's a bit more obvious than Ha-chan… although that's mostly 'cause Ha-chan's a bit more spontaneous in general, I'd think.

Since this can only go one way…!

I start to step towards Renko.

...She starts to back up once I get close. "Hey- stop. Get aw- hey!"

Grabbing Renko by the shoulders, I start saying fun things. "I love you."

She looks bewildered! Not in pleased way, just freakin'... shell-shocked!

...Leaning forward, I bump her face with my helmet. "Aa~h, you set my soul on _fire_."

"Wh-what the hell…" Renko is on an emotional rollercoaster!

I bonk her face with my helmet again. "...It is not just a~ uh, little spark. It is, a flame! A big, _roaring_ flame!"

I boop her face a few more time with my helmet-

"Get awa~y from me…!" Renko weakly punches my stomach, only for the plastic suit bits to impede her. "Ow!"

Reaching forward, I start petting her, knocking her hat off in the process. Wahaha!

...She reaches into her pockets, and starts fumbling for a weapon.

She promptly draws them new _scissors_.

I step back abruptly, giving her a push-

"Wa~h!" She lands on her _bum!_ "Ugh…"

...I look around to gauge the crowd, yo.

Orin and Parsee dunno _what_ to think, yo. Orin's got a dry expression, and Parsee's just mildly amazed or something…

Maribel looks like she expected something like this. Freakin'... yo.

Ha-chan stomps towards Renko. "Who even _are_ you!?"

Renko looks up at her as she readjusts her hat, her brows furrowing. "I-I could say the same about _you!_ "

...Upon reaching her, Ha-chan just freakin' _collapses_ onto her. They both stretch out a bit as they tussle on the floor-

Oh, shit, Renko's jabbing with those scissors! "Yo, yo! Chill-"

Pi~chun! After cleaving her blade into Ha-chan's stomach a few times, the fairy explodinated. Awwh…! Oh, well. Maybe Ha-chan knows how to get down here again…

"You know what…?" Drolly, Orin pans her head towards Parsee. "I~ think that's enough of that…"

"Really?" Parsee actually looks like she doesn't want this to _stop_. "...Mmh, fine. You're probably taking them to the palace, anyway, since they're just a bunch of humans."

Hoh.

Renko springs back up, her scissors drawn! "I-If Merry won't chase you off, I will…!"

"Hey, hey…!" Maribel gets in the way, holding her new plant hanger. "Knock it off, Renko-chan. You're being manipulated."

" _You're_ being manipulated!" Renko retorts, marching towards us. "How dare you just _go up_ ," she raises her scissors, seemingly intent on attacking _Maribel_ for some reason, "and accuse _me_ when I'm trying to defend _you!?_ "

Maribel raises her hanger! " _Reflect!_ "

Renko swings her scissors! "Listen to me, _Merry~!_ "

Ti~ng! A reflective, circular barrier with small hexagonal panels flashed to life around Maribel and stopped Renko's attack entirely.

"Whah…?" Renko looked like she couldn't believe it. "How could-"

Fwa-fwa- _fwam!_ Suddenly, the barrier shattered, the hexagonal shards dissipating and exploding into small shockwaves of magical energy in the air.

" _Au~gh!_ " Renko's sent flying by the barrier's counterattack, although not very high or far.

Thud. She lands against the floor, white energy running along her body.

Instantly, Maribel sprints to her friend. " _Renko!_ "

...Let us see if she needs any medical attention, yo. Got some potions on hand, son.

I glance at Orin and Parsee to see their reactions.

Kitty's just got a 'begrudgingly okay with this' sort of face. Hoh.

Parsee looks curiously pissed about what just happened. I think that's not something unusual for her…

"Ah…" Renko starts to sit up, apparently not too badly beat up by that. Guess it's mostly knockback, here. In Kingdom Hearts II, that attack does way too much damage for its own good.

...Then, she looks at me. "Oh- oh, my god…"

I just kinda stare at her, yo…

Standing up abruptly, she bows before me. "I'm sor- _sorry!_ "

Oh no. I gotta break the news to her, yo. "I'm sorry to inform you that I don't think a romantic relationship would work out between us."

...She blinks. "Wh-what? No- I- I _killed_ your friend! And- she loved you and everything- and-..." Tearing up, Renko brings her hands to her eyes...

I shrug. "Well, to be fair, she respawns…"

...Renko takes her hands away from her eyes. "Wh-what?"

"She's a fairy, yo." I explain to her how fairies work, since apparently Merry over there didn't cement her on the details. "Fairies are forever." ...As long as nature is forever. If nature is not forever, then fairies are not forever!

...She sniffs. "Whah?"

"Fairies don't die." Maribel clarifies my words. "Their energy just gathers back together somewhere else."

…

"What." This time Renko's less 'confused-confused' and more like 'are-you-serious-confused' "Ho-how does that even…?" She's still gotta wipe the tears from her eyes, though, so she does that.

"I don't know." Maribel confesses. Idly, she starts to head back for the cart. "...Are we done here, yet?"

Orin moves for the cart, too. "Yea~h. I think Parsee's pleased."

"Sure I am!" Parsee is in fact the opposite of pleased… "What I'd give to have _friends!_ "

Shaking her head, Orin gets behind the cart… "You _have_ friends, y'know."

Parsee narrows her eyes, gritting her teeth. "Hah. Are they _really?_ "

Oo~h, boy, getting into this cart's gonna be a project…

Renko follows behind us slowly...

"Heh. I'd sure like to think so!"

...I look in the direction of the voice.

Yuugi is here. I almost forgot how freakin' tall she was.

Stepping up beside Parsee, Yuugi has her arms folded.

"What're _you_ doing here…?" Parsee gives her a _stare_.

"Heard some commotion and thought it'd be a good time…" Bringing her arms behind her head, Yuugi stretches…! "Bu~t it's just a cat, and a-... _space dude._ " How the hell does an oni know about space suits? "Some girls."

Oof! I have managed to get into the cart!

...Maribel starts to get in, and Renko helps her up before hopping in herself.

Yuugi grins. "What, you run outta dead bodies?"

Orin snorts. "Na~h. Well, technically. I'm gettin' paid to be a taxi to old hell."

"Pfft." Yuugi looks us over. "Well, if those pansies on the surface think they're hard enough, they can knock themselves out."

Ho ho! We do indeed think we're hard enough! Just… not to take on oni anytime soon. Or anything down here that has _teeth_ , for that matter. Hell- I don't think we can even take the _ghosts!_

Orin begins pushing the cart! ...Pretty slowly, though.

…

"If any of you need to stop to piss, say something." Orin instructs us.

"We're not five." Maribel rebukes.

 _Clang!_

...Before we leave the bridge, Yuugi grabs hold of the cart with one hand, stopping Orin in her tracks.

"So, where they headed?" Yuugi grins at Orin.

...Glancing away for a moment, Orin grins back at her. "You know where. The palace."

…

After staring at Orin for a moment, Yuugi crouches down and grabs the metal stopper on the bottom of the cart-

She lifts the entire cart- Orin included- into the air. Oh, boy…

...Pre-emptively, Orin pulls herself up and into the cart, somehow freakin' maneuvering around me to sit ahead of Renko. Whatever movement she did, it was so freakin' acrobatic it only took like a moment to get past all three of us from above.

Arching her arm back, Yuugi takes a moment to 'aim', before-

 _Woosh!_ Jesus, fu~ck!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 62

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I _would_ like to know where it actually _puts_ all my stuff though…

==o==

WEAPONS:

Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! It better, with a name like 'Swordbreaker'. Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! May cast Flash, an attack that blinds; works best on darkness elementals and youkai. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can cast Gust. By the addition of a steel block, its attack and magic attack increased slightly. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites stuff on impact. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle, allowing the user to cast Flamethrower Plus! Allows the user to cast Fume.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Can produce limitless fresh water. Boosts the power of water skills. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style; physical attack increased, physical defense lowered. User bleeds out faster. Can cast Revenge, an attack that increases in power the lower the user's health is. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to let it cut!

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Lowers defense slightly. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger is slightly electric and holy elemental. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy…

==o==

ARMOR:

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Seventy-five percent time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!

Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means _business, son_. _One hundred percent_ ice resistance, and as such renders me immune to all magical ice damage. Dunno 'bout icicles and stuff, though. Fifty percent freeze resistance… not that freezing will hurt me with this thing on. Fifty percent dark resistance. Negative fifty percent fire and burning resistance. Hopefully hides me a bit when navigating in the freakin' brush...

Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! Fifty percent sun resistance, one hundred percent freezing and blinding resistance. Also gives immunity to electrical stunning. It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.

Lunarian Prototype Space Suit - A suit meant for combat in deep space. So far, it's only got the whole 'exist in deep space' part down…! _One hundred percent_ electric resistant. One hundred percent freezing resistant. Has an oxygen tank, but that's only useful if you wear the helmet to go along with it. Randomly casts Zero Gravity when it feels like it.

Lunarian Prototype Deep Space Helmet - It's a freakin' helmet. Fifty percent blinding resistant! When worn with the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit, it also confers immunity to burning and poison, along with _another_ one hundred percent electricity resistance. Yo…!

Testing Oxygen Tank - The oxygen tank used by the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit. Lasts for two and a half minutes! Not meant to actually be used outside of testing, but it's possible. Refills automatically in breathable air.

==o==

CONSUMABLES/OTHER:

Forty six thousand, two hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!

Seven Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Three Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on _debuffs_ , though...

WebDings Book about Foreign Juices - Wahaha! This better fetch a price on the market!

Dark Stone - I dunno what it is, but it looks cool. Probably something I can slap to one of my dark weapons!

Enchanted Icicle - Not gonna melt now, son. It's enchanted to glow in the dark…!

Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I _really_ have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

==o==

Maribel Hearn, the University Student

WEAPON: Porcelain Mirror - A plant hanger made with curiously chrome materials. Reflects small projectiles it hits. Allows the user to cast Reflect. May cast Reflect with certain skills.

OFFHAND: Umbrella - It helps stop the dreaded sky water.

INVENTORY:

[Suitcase] - Holds her stuff. Gives five inventory spaces!

Drawings - Her drawing stuff!

Writing Utensils - Crayons, pencils, pens… hoh hoh!

Dreamcatcher - A holy hanger. May cast Talisman Seal on impact. Casts Talisman Seal with certain skills. Boosts the power of holy skills. Grants fifty percent resistance to syphoning and cursing.

Cast-Iron Plant Hanger - A sturdy plant hanger made of solid metal.

[one space remaining]

==o==

Renko Usami, the University Student

WEAPON: Counterweight - Black and gold scissors, with elaborate handles. Every enemy on the field increases combo length by one attack. Every enemy on the field increases jump height and defense by .3x, starting at a base of 1.0x with one enemy. Twenty five percent space resistance granted. User is immune to shoe-glue status when enemies are present. When equipped with no enemies on the field, inflicts shoe-glue status, preventing the user from jumping.

OFFHAND: Umbrella - It helps stop the dreaded sky water.

==o==

INVENTORY:

Steel Scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Sunfire Scissors - Casts Sunfire Flare on impact. Boosts the power of Sun elemental attacks.

Mega Potion - Causes the whole party to regenerate life.

[no more space remaining]

==o==

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

as my inventory grows, so does the post-chapter results screen

i've been going well over 10 k every chapter as of late (this one was 13 k) but still oof

renko and merry got their new weapons offscreen by the way; i might ask them how later

i think this was a fairly solid chapter overall - w -

summary sans party members is like 2.5 k words in and of itself which is kinda bad; i should see how i can condense that in the future

that was my original intent with getting weapon upgrades but i kinda forget for awhile - w - although i DO have some upgrades to use

i should probably also do something about all that stuff i'm hoarding XD

also reviewers pls bb cm bak u can blame it all on me bb

...i know you're all still here, too, traffic stats say so!

in part i wanted to deviate from the normal super-jealous parsee but that'd take actually getting to know her for the most part; when it comes down to it being superficially jealous of people all the time is kinda her thing

i coulda deviated but i wanted to be true to that - w -

orin's pretty chill and casual…

and now we're in hell son

as always, see you all next time!


	79. Hell's Kitchen: With Bloody Snakes!

(in which we 3D print a brain)

Wind whips past our wheelbarrow as we sail through the air…

Renko's crouching as low as she can go before us, one hand on the wheelbarrow's side and one on her hat. "You know…"

Not quite hearing over the wind, Maribel yells at her, crouched similarly. "Wha~t!?"

" _You know,_ " Renko yells over the wind! "this adventure's getting a _little_ weird…!"

...Maribel snorts, but we can't hear it! "Nice observation!"

As we soar through the dimly lit air, Orin seems to gradually slow us down _somehow_. Probably using her flight powers to counteract the momentum-

 _Fwoa~sh!_ Zero Gs, yo!

I'm not sure how the physics work out, but we end up going straight forward for a few moments, sailing through the air smoother than previously…

"Oo~kay…!" Orin seems surprised, but not dissatisfied. "Alright, then…!"

...Oo~h, we're spinning now! Is Orin making the cart _airstrafe?_

I half want to look off the edge, but at the same time, we're going pretty fast…!

I'm forced to stop looking at the cavern walls as we spin about because my head doesn't quite agree with that…

…

Although, with our speed and such, I'm pretty sure we've gone well past and over the oni city. I guess not crashing yet after like a minute or two sorta implies that…

It takes some moments, but we twirl to a stop in the air… not even lowering anymore, just a stop in midair.

"Now…" Orin exhales. "Should- ah…"

We drop abruptly for a second, only for Orin to stop the cart again. "Should be easy to get down now…"

Slowly, we begin lowering! Ho ho.

Renko lets out a breath. "I thought we were going to crash into something…"

Orin shrugs, before grinning. "Nnn… it could still happen, yaknow."

"Let's not." Renko stares back dryly.

"I~'ve had enough of getting thrown around in this cart for one day…" Maribel gives the cat girl a semi-forced smile.

Getting smuggled into the palace, yo.

...Playfully, Orin makes the cart jitter down unnaturally fast for a moment or two.

The girls just stare back at her dryly.

One of these days, Orin should fill her cart with fluffles. Then it could be a fluffload payload. Wahaha!

 _Clang!_ The sudden halt of the cart makes us all flinch, 'cept for Orin.

"Wo-woah!?" Renko's eyes widen, as she looks around the now still cart.

"Gee~z…" Maribel tries to crouch down lower. "Cut it out."

"Hehehe! Jumpy like cats!" Orin's sure having fun! "We're already stopped. Unless ya want me ta be like-"

Cla-cla-clang! Orin makes the cart vibrate against whatever we landed on. These noises have less of an effect on us…

"Where are we, anyway…?" Maribel lifts her head up, and looks outside the cart…

Since we have a moment, I do it too-

Oh. We're… on top of some kinda structure. Like, on the tippity top of a particularly flat specimen of rooftop. It's a long way down, yo…

Orin looks out, too. "...Almost there, it seems. Lemme just-"

We hover up a little, and slowly move to the side, Orin staring out of the edge of the cart the whole time.

After aiming it, she makes it drop again-

"Waa~h!" Maribel and Renko start floating up, as do I! Too fa~st!

 _Thoom!_ The cart loudly plops on the floor below us, bouncing slightly.

 _Thu-thu-thud!_ We manage to not land too awkwardly, the cart's umbrella saving us from getting pulled too far away from it.

"Why~..." Maribel takes a moment to collect herself before getting out of the cart.

Orin just rolls her eyes. "Oh, toughen up, you two. I don't hear space man complaining back there."

I raise my arm as I reply! "Your parking gave me cancer, yo."

Grinning, Orin moves to hop out of the cart- "Oh- woh-"

Thu-th-th-thud. It tips over, spilling us out onto the tiled stone floor beneath us like soft nuggets…

Orin takes the brunt of it though, her botched exit leading to her eating shit. "Nngh…!" Hastily, she scrambled forward with her arms and then her legs, before springing into a standing position.

...She brushes her face for a moment, and then seems to be fine. Freakin' old hell youkai, yo.

The three of us quickly get back onto our legs, having adapted to being freakin' spilled about at this point.

We seem to be just outside the palace, on some stone tiles and stuff. Before us is the main door in- which is nice and big and _purple_ \- and some pillars and stuff…

To the right of the palace entrance, between two pillars, is a _fluffle stand_. They're down here too!

Ignoring it, Orin continues towards the main door.

She reaches for the main handle, and pulls on it-

Crreak. Unlike Remilia's door, this one's not _as_ squeaky. It still squeaks, though.

After stepping back a bit to open it a reasonable distance, she continues in, giving us a brief gesture to follow.

"So big…" Maribel looks around at the exterior walls, before following Orin in…

Renko moves to follow her. "They _did_ call it a palace."

Palace, yo. Pal aces. Pal laces…

Later on, I should bring people I meet down here to the fluffle stand to see what it gives for them. Inquiring minds want to know! That, and I'd like to see what's offered for Renko. Probably scissors…

Inside, the lobby's pretty big! It follows a similar format to Remilia's front lobby, with the big staircase down the middle leading to an upper overhang. Unlike the mansion's, however, this overhang seems to go across the back and sides of the room. Additionally, all the hallway entrances seem to be along the back wall and portions of the upper level side walls.

There's also potted plants in here in little pastel blue and tan jars, which are nice.

The floor has black and white tiles on it!

"Welco~me!" Orin turns around, spreading her arms as she walks backwards into the foyer. "Here's the main room!"

"Does _everyone_ live in a miniature castle?" Maribel takes in the big room! "Aside from Reimu?"

Orin slouches slightly. "Just how many big places have you seen before…?"

At the moment, this front lobby is currently empty.

"Anyway…!" Orin catches our attention…!

…

She does nothing with it, letting her arms drop to her sides. "I dunno. I'm not a tour guide."

Renko snorts. "Good job."

"...Next time I head ta the surface is in about two days." Turning around, Orin idly waves a hand towards us as she continues to the stairs. "You'll be able ta find me around the gate. Have fun exploring or whatever!"

Good tour. "Yo!" I call out to her!

...She pauses, looking back at me.

"Are there any creepy crawlies, yo?" I ask about the potential hazards!

...Orin shrugs. "Maybe?"

Frik. Take two! "I mean, anything we gotta look out for or not do."

...Orin perks up! "Oh. Just don't piss anyone off or jump from any high places and you'll probably be alright. We got a stockpile of healing items somewhere, just don't ask me where." With that, Orin begins to skedaddle again. "I'm gonna go _nap_. It's kinda about that time..."

Cats have weird sleeping patterns. Also- how does that even _work?_ There's no sun down here…!

…

"Well." Speaking up, Renko walks forward idly. "What… are we supposed to do here?"

Maribel looks away. "...Brad kinda just took us here on impulse."

I clap my space man hands together! "Let's go make some _noise_ , yo!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We took the first hall I saw, yo. We've located some kind of kitchen!

"What is this alien room…?" I pretend to be baffled by the kitchen appliances. Actually, Satori has modern kitchen appliances?

"There appears to be no signs of intelligent life anywhere." Renko plays along.

Walking towards the fridge, Maribel reaches her hand out to open it, and I move towards her to see what's in it, too…

Inside, there are food stuffs. Oo~h, they're keeping chocolate chunks on one of the higher shelves…! Just, like… raw chunks of chocolate.

Oh, yeah. This whole place seems to be lit by modern-ish means… and whatever isn't modern is probably just freakin' magic.

"They have to refrigerate their chocolate down here…" Maribel makes an idle observation.

Renko snorts. "Guess those few degrees this building shaves off don't necessarily help, huh?"

...Moving away from the fridge, I move for one of the shelves…

Crouching down, I open one up!

Pots and stu~ff. Yo ho ho!

I take out a pot-

Cla~ng- bo~ng, bo~ng. A few come along for the ride!

"What're you doing…?" Maribel questions my sanity, as both girls watch me vainly.

Grabbing two pots, I place them on the island in the middle of the room. Taking the rightmost one, I lift it up, and drop it!

 _Cla~ng!_

"Makin' some jazzy tunes, yo!" Wahaha!

Taking the other metal pot, I chuck it at the one I dropped!

 _Cla-clang!_

"For _some reason_ …" Renko chuckles. "I don't think we were invited to make a mess."

Wait. That gives me an idea…

I raise a finger! "Idea!"

"No." Maribel denies me preemptively.

...Giving her a grin, I continue anyway. "What if we all threw a pot towards one point at the _same time?_ "

...The girls both look at me for a moment. A moment later, Renko claims a new pot from the cabinet, while me and Maribel take the two off the floor.

Standing in one of the quarters of the room, we space each other out evenly, and ready to toss our instruments…

"On three, yo…" I begin counting! "One, two… three!"

We toss them!

 _Claa~ng!_

...Afterward, the pots clatter to the floor loudly, causing us all to cringe slightly.

"...Lou~d." Maribel's grinning.

"What did you expect…?" Renko shakes her head, also grinning. " _Man_ , we're bored…"

"Bored, hrm~?"

It's a womanly voice!

I turn towards the applicable doorway, seeing a cat girl there. She's got long, dark brown hair, is tan, and has _boobs_.

"Uhm…" Maribel scratches the back of her head sheepishly. "Yeah?"

"...I'd agree wit'cha," In spite of her womanly voice, she starts talking pretty informally. "But I'd also like to know why you're throwin' our pots and pans around like it's world war dinner in here." World war _dinner_.

"...Ah." Renko blinks. "...We- uh- wanted to find out what'd happen if we… threw three pots together at the same time."

The cat girl smirks. "What didja _think'd_ happen? Buncha prizes just start rainin' down from the ceiling?"

She's pretty casually dressed. Seems that Satori doesn't demand a dress code around here… 'cause this cat girl's got a loosely fitting grey hoodie, grey t-shirt, and black sweatpants on. Two of these articles of clothing probably don't make sense for the environment… although I won't know until I take this space suit-

 _Fwoa~sh!_

-off.

Well, we're floating now…!

Maribel folds her arms, her lack of momentum keeping her from twirling or flipping. "...Whoever made that suit needs to be stopped."

"Good luck, yo…!" I'm also mostly safe from spinning, it seems, if I just don't move…

Renko's probably been doing this all along, which is how she's also just floating straight up like we are. "This _is_ pretty cool, though. I'd like to see you walk into a classroom with that on." Wahaha!

That cat girl, though, uh… "Wha- what's- aah, aah…!" As she hovers into the air, she rotates wildly. "Put me down- put me do~wn…!" As she flails her arms, I can see freakin' _sharp_ claws.

And then-

Thu-thu-thud. The spell ends, and we land on our feet-

Rapidly, the cat girl scrapes her claws and legs against the floor, ripping and roaring towards the counter before leaping up onto it with inhuman agility.

...Now on the counter, the cat girl glares down at me. "Why in the _hell_ would you _cast that!?_ "

I shrug. "It's not me, yo. It's the _skoolatoon_ inside 'a me…!"

Maribel gives me a forced smile. "Brad, why don't you equip a less… _obstructive_ outfit for the time being?"

I should take it out when we're in a room full of cat girls just to see what happens. For now, I think I'll abide by Maribel's request…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After walking into the first side room I found in order to get changed, I find some weird shit…

It's a room with a big tub of sand in the middle. It's like an inground pool, except sand. Some weird bars come out of the sides of the 'pool' and go into the sand, like you'd expect for a pool.

...Okay.

…

I don't trust that freakin'-

The sand starts shifting.

Nope, nope, nope! Not about that _sand life_ , son!

Backpedalling, I open the door I came in through, and walk out of the room.

...I give the room one last glance-

A girl of some sort was crawling out of the sand. From here, I could make out these bright ass orange eyes… and everything about her was about the color of sand, including her long hair.

Ohp- she's got a _long ass tail_ \- yeah no see ya.

Bam! I slam the door shut.

…

O~kay! Time to take the next door down!

I do a light jog down the hallway, and open the next door I run across…

Inside, there's a few potted plants and things. The ceiling... is tall as shit!

It's just a long, tall room. The right wall has a bunch of blue stone ladders that lead up to a higher platform.

What is this Legend of Zelda temple shit…?

...I reach my hands up to remove the helmet. I gotta like, play tiddly winks with these lock mechanisms… and move my body a certain way-

Click. Fwii~sh…

There we go. Warm air floods my helmet immediately. Holy _shit_ it's hot in Topeka! Oo~h, man. Next thing on my list: heat resistance.

Setting my helmet aside, I start to remove my suit proper. It basically has a zippable part in the front, but it only works if you have the helmet off, and like…

Running my arm along my body, I try to do that thing…

Basically, there's an S-shape on the left of my torso, and it's not visible at first, but it lights up a bit when you run your hand across it. You gotta do it just right to make the zipper pop out and work…

Freakin'... ah! There we are.

Zii~p.

After a few nearly naked moments- you can keep your underwear for the space suit at the very least- I've got my suit in my sack, and my kimono on! I don't got my helmet on, though; wa~y too stuffy for that.

...Also, it's even hotter with this kimono on. How many things down here even _use_ ice shit? 

There's a shifting sound coming from that one ladder wall…

As I finalize that I've got all my stuffs, I glance up-

Oh, it's that snake girl again, and she's slithering down one of the spaces between two ladders. That's a _lo~ng_ tail…! It's nowhere near soft looking, either!

...Why is this entire wall dedicated to like, ten ladders?

Well- anyway, time to move for the door…!

As I backpedal for the door, the woman starts slithering faster.

Wohohohoh! It's running time, son!

Turning around, I bolt for the door, and swing it open, and slide through it, slamming it behind me.

Bam! Hohoh! Adrenaline ru~sh!

…

I dunno, for all I know she could be friendly. Still, son… not _riskin' it!_

Once I get back to the friendly people, I should upgrade some of my stuff with the things I've got…

Click. The door opens as I start walking away.

Oh shit, she can open _doors!_ My only weakness!

Reaching into my bag, I keep a hand in it cautiously as I turn towards the door…

Ain't no way I'm fleeing from a snake woman who can probably slither as fast as the freakin' family van… and my family don't even have a van!

The tan-haired woman slithers out. Her chest is covered by some wrapping, but the wrappings don't really hide much…

"Aww~h…" She tilts her head forward as she slithers towards me, prompting me to gradually backpedal… "Why do you look so _afraid?_ "

I am frightened of the things that I do not understand! That, and I haven't necessarily had the best run-ins with big temple patrons, lemme tell ya…

"Although…" Bringing a hand up, the snake girl starts to- ooh that's a long tongue…! "This would be the first time Satori-sama brought me a _human_ meal…"

Well, son. My fears were _founded_ , yo.

Not reacting at first, I start to draw Bawmber and Million Bucks…

She giggles. "Fufufu~! Jo~king, I'm joking!"

Nah, son. I'm fast as fuck, yo…!

I jump, and crouch as practice. Then, I move towards a wall, jump, and-

 _Boom!_ My strike against it throws me back and to the side, causing me to fall onto the carpet and eventually against the opposite wall.

"Ooh…!?" The snake girl seems surprised by this turn of events!

Acting quickly, I roll onto my limbs, and begin sprinting, the leg-electricity from Million Bucks accenting my escape…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Ha~h, ha~h, ha~h…" This warm climate is _not_ helping any.

Running back through the kitchen's open doors, I see Maribel, Renko, and that kitty girl in there around a half-eaten tub of brownies…

...Maribel eyes me curiously, before ignoring my static-y legs and winded demeanor by raising a brownie. "Ashes made brownies earlier, so she's sharing some with us."

"Ha~h…" I stop fully, still winded. "Ha~h… who?"

...Maribel gestures to the busty tan cat girl.

She waves at me. "...I don't think I know you, either?"

Honh. "I'm the _space man_ , yo. But without the suit that randomly casts Zero Gravity…!" Still need to catch breath…!

Ashes nods. "...Huh. Want some brownies?"

"Sure." I casually strut towards the brownie tub… but _before_ I do that…!

Stopping at the island in the midst of the room- where the brownie tub is- I put away my bomb and running-away hangers, and pull out Tundra Bloomer…

After placing it on the countertop, I dig through my bag for the upgrade components...

Maribel notices me place the enchanted icicle and the dark stone on the counter. "Brad, don't throw that stuff around."

I grin at her. "I'm not throwin' it around, yo. I'm _smashin'_ it!"

"That's even worse." She starts to step around the table to get a better look at what I'm doing…

Let's see~... I'm planning on slapping all these upgrades onto Tundra Bloomer just to see what'll happen. Althou~gh, I do wanna know what a dark stone on Swordbreaker might do. I could just slap all these things onto Swordbreaker...

Tundra Bloomer already has a ton of upgrades… so I'm gonna add more to it! How's about that!?

Where to put the _stuff_ , though...?

Renko notices what I'm doing, too. "Are you playing with toys…?"

I furrow my brows briefly. "...Yes." Caught me off guard, son.

Basically, Tundra Bloomer right now looks like a brown hanger attached to the tip of a brass shaft. There's a blue flower at the bottom, too. Where do put dark stone do.

...I think I'll start with the ice spike first. I dunno how durable it is, so I'll just… place it along the wide side of the hanger part.

Placing it, I see if it'll secure itself-

Fwi~sh! It didn't interact with the brass shaft, but the hanger itself allowed it to mold onto it. Freakin' fluffle bullshit, yo… although if that didn't work I could've probably just molded it on with Flame Salvo.

Since that's how this'll go, I'll just put the dark stone in one of the holes in the design…

Fwi~sh! _There_ we go.

"I have done some chemistry, yo…" I lift up the hanger, and look it over. What'll I call it, yo…?

"...What?" Maribel's not too sure what just happened. "How?"

"I have forged it in fire…!" Wahaha!

From here, I can see that snake girl slither in, eying me as she enters the room. "...Oo~h? A party, is this?"

Renko snorts at her appearance. "...I'm not gonna ask you to put on pants, but…"

"Mmm?" Looking down, the lamia holds her arms under her breasts. "Why is that?"

Ashes strolls around the table, stepping towards the snake. "Ivasa." Ooo, fun name.

Ivasa's grin starts to fade. "...Ashley."

"Satori-sama toldja not to leave your room without guidance, did she not?" Ashes slips her hands into her pockets. "Why don't'cha just move on along, now?"

Rolling her eyes, Ivasa starts to slither forward. "Oo~h, please. You know, and _I_ know, that while she may look out for our _best_ interests…" She glances to the side. "She can be a bit of a bore."

"Yeah, yeah." Ashes looks to the side, herself, before looking back at the snake girl. "And I'm sure _we_ all know why _you're_ here."

Maribel seems to have opened her suitcase, and taken out her new plant hanger just in case…

"Oh?" Ivasa bobs forward slightly, smiling again. "Why _am_ I here?"

"You're here to eat these humans, aren't'cha?" Ashes clarifies the thing I've been wondering! So she _is_ an evil carnivore person…

" _Eat_ them? Me?" Ivasa giggles. "U~fufufu~! Why, that idea is so silly..."

Holding her hands out, Ivasa creates a large, basketball-sized glass orb. That's what it looks like, anyway…

"That idea is so silly that I might just have to _put you_ in your _place_." Ivasa articulates her hands, and the orb lights up a bright red.

Ashes takes her hands out of her pockets, and they extend into sharp claws. "Oh, yeah? I'm gonna kick your ass!"

"Why~...?" Maribel holds up her hanger defensively, moving behind the table where I was. Renko moved around the table to join us, too…

…

After a short stare off, Ivasa begins slithering forward. " _Swath Fire!_ "

A short-ranged gush of flames flows out, moving for Ashes.

Quickly, Ashes leaps into the air, somehow strafing to the right for the counter as she did so. After landing on the counter, she jumps across the room and onto Ivasa's rigid, rough snake tail.

"Ghh…" Despite her grunt, Ivasa still grins, moving across the room slowly but steadily…

Ashes lunges for Ivasa's body. "C'mere!" Her claws promptly dig into the lamia's shoulders, causing the lamia to grit her teeth…

"You…" Irritated by the claws slowly sinking into her shoulders, Ivasa begins rolling over.

"Woah!?" Quickly, Ashes leaps off of her to avoid being crushed beneath her.

...Once she's back upright, Ivasa focuses on her glass orb, which had lost its color after the fire ran out. After focusing on it for a moment, she makes it light up yellow, and it begins crackling with electricity.

Renko has already moved around the table to adjust to the lamia's new position, and me and Maribel're still probably where she'd move next…

Gazing at us, Ivasa smiles. "Now…"

Maribel ran _towards_ her, hanger raised defensively. Uh…?

Beaming, the lamia snaps her fingers. " _Prism Thunder!_ "

"Reflect!" Maribel shuts her eyes, holding the hanger up with both arms-

Fwish! A reflective sphere of hexagon panels erects around her-

 _ZaZaZaZap!_ Four small electrical bolts strike the exterior of Maribel's shield-

 _Fwa-fwa-fwam!_ After the attack's over, the barrier shatters, the shards splashing outward and exploding into expanding force.

"What…?" Ivasa looks vaguely staggered, but isn't really affected at all. She's more surprised than anything.

Maribel quickly backpedals, incredulous about what she just pulled off. "Hehehe…!"

Ashes leaps onto the lamia's back again. "Gotcha, bitch!" Quickly, she began clawing at the lamia's back. Cat scratch _feve~r!_

"Agh- you…!" Again, Ivasa begins to roll over-

Ashes jumps this time, landing onto the snake's underbelly. "Haha! Can't- aah!?"

Curling up onto her tail, Ivasa grapples Ashes. "Out of my _way!_ " Quickly, she reeled her arms back, and tossed the cat-

 _Bam!_ Ashes hit the opposite wall. "Guah…!?"

...Rolling back over again, Ivasa smirks. "Now, where was I…?"

I stab my modified hanger into the floor! It's Gaia Seed time, yo!

...The green magical circle forms around Ivasa's torso-

Fwooo~. It initializes fully, creating pastel green, earthy energy at the lamia's position…

"Nn~h…" The lamia doesn't seem very affected. "You think trying to relax me'll work, boy?"

Waving her hands over the glass orb again, it begins to glow white and blue. Ooo~...! If this is an ice attack, yo, this is my shit! One hundred ice resistance robe, son!

I pump myself up using the hanger's self-buff ability, ready to freakin' maul her if she casts an ice spell…

Maribel is by my side again, but I turn to her. "Yo, I got this one."

"Wh- really?" She begins to back up. "Okay…?"

"Don't do anything stupid." Renko cautions me from across the room. "I only have one Mega Potion, you know…"

"Fufufu~..." The lamia rests her gaze on me as I raise my hanger towards her. "I'm sure you've not _all_ such petty spells…"

"She's onto us yo!" I faux-panic! "Aaa~h!"

This brings out a grin from Ivasa. Bringing her arms back, she presses her hands to the back of the glass orb… " _Blizzaga!_ "

A shotgun spread of frosty, magical projectiles wooshes out and slams into me.

 _Fwaa~sh!_

...As the icy magic fades, I run up to the lamia, and slam my hanger down on her glass orb-

 _Thunk!_ Wahohoh!

Ah- woah. My arms are surprisingly nimble after that first swing, allowing me to-

 _Thunk!_ -get a weaker additional blow in…

Ivasa's eyes flare, and she lunges forward-

"Huah!" I leap back on instinct...!

In my wake, there're some snowflakes and small frost flurries. That's new…!

As I move back, I double jump, allowing my momentum to carry me back further-

Thu-thud. I land on the kitchen counter and promptly fall to the floor, onto my _back_. Oof...

"Ah…" Maribel moves up next to me, and helps me up. Actual party support!? What is this sorcery?

"Thanks, friend…!" I give Maribel a thumbs up once I'm back up...

"You're _really_ getting on my nerves!" Ivasa's starting to lose her cool! And- her orb's freakin' _cracked!_ Ooo~, I sense opportunity…!

Hugging her orb close to herself, Ivasa flops to the floor-

The _room_ begins shaking as Ivasa spins her body around and moves about the room at the same time. Holy crap…!

Me and Maribel begin running in the opposite direction! "Let's _not_ do that…!"

Ashes has leapt from her indent in the wall, and is now back on the middle counter. "Damn, this is _annoying_ …" Ah, yeah, _annoying_. S'an apt word for this situation. Attacked by a freakin' _anaconda woman_ , how annoying.

...Eventually, Renko has to join us in our circular retreat 'cause of how that snake's moving around the room.

The three of us finally get to stop when the snake feels like the tactic she's executed isn't working- which is only after like twenty seconds of nothing. In that timeframe, though, she's managed to complete one whole loop around the room, her body now blockading a good portion of previously usable movement room along the edges.

Now she has to move _beside_ her own body. Man, that's gotta be some weird shit...

Positioning herself upright again, she waves her hands across the orb's surface…

It starts to glow red again. Ma~n… fire's the _worst_ one.

"Go for the orb!" I recommend that Ashes hits the weak point for massive damage!

Ashes glances at me, before promptly ignoring my advice and throwing herself at the lamia's body instead again.

This time, Ashe leaps across the room to the wall behind the lamia, and then uses it to springboard onto the lamia's back-

" _Ree~r…!_ " She makes angry kitty noises! She's- ooh, she's also sinking her claws into the lamia's neck…!

"Ah-angh…" Again, the lamia begins to spin over to throw Ashes off…

Leaping off of her, Ashes lands on the central counter again. "Nngh…"

...The lamia lies on her back for a moment to bait Ashes, but the kitty just watches and waits.

...After a moment, the lamia starts to spin onto her stomach again. Her really, really long stomach.

Running back behind the island counter- behind Renko and Maribel- I loop around and end up beside the lamia…

"No~w that you have so few places to go…" The lamia gazes over at Renko and Maribel, not seeing me. " _Swath Fire!_ "

I step up beside the lamia, and give a good, telegraphed _shwing_ into the glass orb just as it starts to spew fire-

 _Cra~ck!_

 _Fwam!_ The orb explodes into white electricity, which begins running up the lamia's form. "Ah-aah- you- _idiot…!_ "

Also, a bunch of big, translucent bubbles fly out from the shattered glass orb, dropping to the floor like rocks for some reason. They're like, baseball size to also basketball size. Wat.

...It seems that the lamia's humanoid portion is binded, for now. Her tail body jerks and writhes in response to her main body.

"Quick, kick some ass!" I ask for backup! "Help! Aaa~h!"

"O-okay…!?" Maribel begins to run up to help me!

...Renko seems hesitant, so I name call her. "Renko! Fighty time!"

"Fine…" Cautiously, Renko draws her scissors, and darts up to aid us…

Following our lead, Ashes leaps onto the lamia's back, and starts scratching at Ivasa's back feverishly. "Hehehe~! How's _this_ , bitch!? Feel good?"

"Gr~ngh…!" The lamia's body seems rigidly locks into place…!

Bringing my hanger back, I swing it like a baseball bat!

 _Bam!_ Oo~h…! That sounded fun.

"Nnh…!" The lamia's head whips to the side as the result of my first hit.

"Hah…!" Maribel whacks her shoulder. I dunno how much that-

 _Fwi~sh!_ ...Her reflect activates on impact, too? Why.

...It doesn't seem to impede much, since the barrier portions that spawned in the middle of me and Ashes didn't slice us or gib us or anything. Barrier magic is weird shit.

...As the reflect spell fades- not sending out a shockwave since it never got hit- Renko sprints in, and starts swinging her scissors around.

Shi-shi-shink! Renko's able to pull off two horizontal slices, and a third upward one.

Reeling my hanger over my head, I bring it down on the lamia's head-

 _Bam!_

"Ow-ow~..." Her head wobbles around a bit from the impact!

…Maribel falls back to grab her other hanger, leaving Renko another moment to start stabbing the lamia's stomach.

Shi-shi-shink! It's pretty much the same combo as before. Each slice opens up a small incision on the lamia's stomach, but doesn't seem to make her react much. That skin's super thick looking…!

Ashes reaches around the lamia's back to help her, scraping her claws across the lamia's ribcage.

The lamia shuts her eyes. "Fo-fools…"

I raise my hanger for another overhead wombo combo…!

 _Bam!_

"A-aah…" The lamia's eyes open again, fluttering.

Maribel leaps down from the nearby counter, bringing Dreamcatcher down on the youkai's head-

 _Bam!_ Oo~h…!

"Wo-woah!" Maribel stumbles back, and slides onto her butt against the counter as a result.

"Nnh…"

Finally, after we fucking _wailed_ on Ivasa the lamia, she flops forward, her body still crackling with binding energy from her orb. Considering none of my attacks even made her _bleed_ , and _all_ of the incisions Renko made didn't invoke bleeding, I'm willing to bet she's ju~st fine. The deep cuts Ashes made actually looked like they _did_ dobleeding, though.

The lamia's skin was weird. Every actual meaningful cut on her body had to go like… a quarter of an inch in. That skin's fucking _thick_. As a result, each actually bleeding incision looked like a massive puncture wound.

…

The fight… is now over!

"Wo-wow…" Maribel exhales. "Brad, how are you not dead yet?"

"I don't know, yo…" Grinning, I shake my head… "It's been an adventure."

Renko's picking lamia skin chunks from her scissors, despite her cuts not making her bleed.

...Ashes stumbles off of the lamia's back, giving us a big grin. "Alri~ght. Good shit. Time to eat those _fucking_ brownies."

...I bring my hand towards one of the bubble things that dropped from the lamia. It fades into my hand, but I don't feel much different…

"What're these?" Renko's experimenting with the bubble things, too.

"Mmh?" Ashes looks over at us, a brownie halfway in her mouth. "...Ooh. Mmphee 'rishes!"

...Renko stares at her dryly. "I did not understand a _single_ thing you just said."

Ashes swallows her food. "Heheh. They're mana prizes."

...Me and Renko are still confused. Help.

Reading this confusion, Ashes continues. "You know? Orbs'a mana, packaged to go. Ivasa there usually makes 'em drop from her orb so she can get all her mana back really fast whenever she sacrifices it. That's why I didn't wanna beat it up, yeah?"

Oo~h. She was supposed to have _more_ bossy bullshit. "...Why'd she not use it in here?" I'd like to know!

"She's used to fighting in her sand room." Ashes explains. "So she can get her body outta the way before she sends that orb out. Basically, what it did ta her, it'd do ta _you_. I didn't know if she'd use it in here, but whatever."

Ooh. Oof. If it strikes her body, though, that might still bind her, or so Ashes implies. That's interesting…

Mana prizes. Aw, they're prizes, dude.

I have a fun time running around and grabbing the orbs by walking into them and stuff. Ho ho…!

…

Oh, yeah. As for my hanger's name…

Hard Winter. Freakin' icy, and it hits like a truck!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After a few moments of brownie consumption and me and Maribel fixing up our mana by picking up the mana prizes, we get visited by a guest!

"I see…"

Looking over at the partially blockaded doorway- as that snake still her her freakin' limp body in it- I see Satori float in…

Ooh. Ho ho! Hello, friend!

...After a moment, Renko and Maribel notice her, too.

"I have to admit," Satori looked over us, "that went better than I anticipated."

...Renko raises a brow. "Hi."

"Hi." Satori's casual in turn. "Enjoying your stay?"

"Mmm. Yeah." Agreeing with that statement, Renko reaches for one of the remaining brownies… "We got attacked by that snake, though."

"I know." Satori nods… "I heard it play out. You three are… interesting."

Aw. People are calling me interesting in maybe a good way, yo. I already feel like your everyday JRPG hero.

Maribel looks up at her, swallowing a brownie. "...You _heard_ it? How loud were we?"

"Well, the room shook, for one thing." Satori-... does actually make a good point there. I'm pretty sure anyone could have heard that, with or without magic powers. "Although, your urgency also made the situation quite prominent."

Ooo. Is that how thought volume works?

Before anyone could say anything to me, Satori turns to me. "In part, yes. It's not the only variable, though."

…

"I suppose I'll clarify this now." Satori seems to read the confusion of the girls. "I can read your thoughts."

"...Oo~h. That makes a lot more sense." Maribel nods, taking this fact in. She looks down at the brownie tray summore…

Shrugging Satori's ability off, Renko moves for the fridge to get some drinkage. Ashes moves to sit on one of the back counters...

Idly, Satori focuses her gaze on me. "I _am_ curious how you know of my ability, although I suppose it's no secret."

Yeah, considering my party members don't. I remember reading up about her on the wiki a bunch...

Satori raises a brow at my thought process. "Now I'm _really_ curious."

I have no idea how much she can read into each tree of thought! I might as well start from the beginning to explain things to her, then. You see, a long time ago, dinosaurs roamed the earth…!

"I know what computers are, if that's what you're wondering." ...I was in fact actually wondering that, albeit not in a way I articulated. "If you want to know, depending on the mind I can do a little digging."

Ah, shit, she knows how much Touhou porn I masturbated to, then. It's probably not a new level of demented to read, though…?

...I give Satori a hopeful grin.

Satori furrows her brows. "...You're not _wrong_. It's the first time I've witnessed someone's perversion in _this_ context though." Yeah, digital pornography of you and all your friends over a computer screen in a world that thinks you're all fictional characters. That's probably a first…

"I feel like I'm missing something." Maribel notices our back and forth.

"You're not missing anything." Satori just shakes her head.

Oh, man. At least Satori's probably kickass at keeping secrets. Ya'd _have_ to be.

Now I'm reminded about this other anime I watched about a mind reader. Oo~h, memory's one slippery slope…!

"By the way, I hear you, Ashley." Satori glances back at Ashes. "Did you try the northwest cache?"

...Ashes rolls her eyes. "Aa~h… I probably should. Still, ya gotta fill the east one. All it has now are dust bunnies and dust _people_."

With that, Ashes suddenly dashes onto the snake girl's body and runs across it to get outside the room. Even has the attention span of a cat!

…

"I have a lounge a few rooms from here, if you'd like to follow me." Satori begins floating towards one of the kitchen's other exits, still having to hover over the freakin' tubby snake stuffs.

"Sure." I start meandering after her, and Maribel moves in my wake.

...Renko's got two cups full of milk. "How am I supposed to get these over the snake…?"

I pause, turning to her. A puzzle, is it?

"Here's the plan…" I give her a smug grin. "We're gonna have like, a three-man cup tossing system-"

The cups float out of Renko's hands, and start hovering over the snake shaft. Oh.

"I don't need my cups broken." Satori seems to have saved the day instead. "I'll carry these for you."

...Smiling, Renko starts to climb over the snake's long ass. To put things in perspective, that lamia's snake tail was like, as tall as a person. It's easy to climb though, 'cause it's rigid and almost rocky in a way.

After a moment, we all climb it, and get to the other side. Snuggle climbing, dude…

On the other side, Satori runs her gaze across us…

Ooh, the hallway ahead is green and beige! The other hallway leading up to the kitchen was blue and white. S'curious…

"I can't say I've heard many people think as you do." Satori comments on my thoughts.

...Waddaya mean?

"At a surface level, your thoughts read like… a book, in a way." Satori expresses what she sees, yo. "Of course, looking deeper into the words reveals more usual thought structure, but it's… peculiar."

Aw. I'm a weirdo, son.

"Yeah, Brad's not like many other people." Maribel agrees with that sentiment! "I thought it was a Gensokyo thing at first, but it's actually mostly just a him thing."

Smiling, Satori starts walking forwards. "...I cannot confirm or deny whether or not that's an exclusively Gensokyo occurrence."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We're at the lo~bby!

There's some faded blue, leather-lookin' couches around here, some fun looking coffee tables, and more potted plants.

Satori sits on one of the couches, placing the drinks down…

Oh, yeah, this room's got some weird shit, too. For the most part, it's blue and white like that one hallway from earlier, but u~h… the left half of the ceiling juts up awkwardly, leading to a huge expanse where there's some square-shaped holes in the wall to probably other places in the palace.

"Satori," I gotta voice this concern! "Why is half of this place a freakin' Legend of Zelda dungeon?"

...Taking a moment, Satori replies with veiled amusement. "I'm not sure what you mean by 'Legend of Zelda dungeon', but this palace was designed in part for my pets as well as myself. The shaft you see there is for bird access."

Birds. In an underground earth temple. You _can't escape them_. Aa~h!

"Also, no." Watching Maribel sit down, Satori comments on her thoughts as well. "I don't have _too_ many more pets who try to eat humans. There are some fish, but I'm sure you won't be encountering those anytime soon."

Renko sits to my left, and Maribel to my right. Sitting between girls always feels weird… weird in an 'I-don't-know-how-to-feel-about-this' way. Stupid freakin'... biology!

I wonder… has Satori heard about the fluffle menace?

"Is that what you're calling those dust people?" Satori does indeed know about the fluffle menace. "They've popped up all over the palace. They've only been marginally destructive, although most of the time their mindless endeavors have only led them to attempting siege upon the oni city."

Fluffles versus oni. The most balanced matchup.

…

Renko passes Merry her glass of milk. "I got us some milk…"

"Ooo~." Maribel claims her glass from her friend. "I had a feeling, the moment you went to the fridge…"

...Satori just glances between the two girls, leaning back a little. Then, 'cause of my train of thought, she looks at me! Aah!

"So…" Satori folds her legs. "What brings you three underground?"

...Renko and Maribel shrug at her, before sipping from their milk.

This leaves me! "...I wanted to be _really_ small, and _really_ soft." Complete impulse, yo. Wanted to get down here before the eighty chapter mark!

"...I see." Satori seems to have received no meaningful answers. "Eighty chapter mark?"

Oh, shit. Don't poke the fourth wall, yo!

...Satori's brows twitch for a moment, and she blinks. "I… see. How surreal."

"Is his head really that messed up…?" Maribel makes idle chatter, glancing up from her milk.

"Yes." Satori can see what I've seen, yo, and I've seen some things…!

Grinning, Renko makes a suggestion. "If his thoughts are like a book, how about you read them to us?" Uh oh.

…"Satori closes her eyes for a moment- oh, she started reading them before- oh, fuck this is going to get confusing."

"Satori finishes her sentence- and starts another one. Hello, world! Prose is hard to construct when someone keeps freakin' sayin' it before you can place it…! Aah, aa~h!"

Coughing, Satori stops vocalizing my thoughts.

"...Huh." Renko doesn't seem like she knew what to expect. "That _does_ read book-like. How about you try vocalizing my thoughts?"

Shaking her head, Satori declines. "It's not as easy for yours. More natural thought processes don't follow literary structure, or speech patterns…"

Hoh. I'm an open book, yo.

...Looking at me, Satori allows her lips to curve. She seems to want to say somethin', but relents.

…For awhile, we just relax. I kinda wanna jump around and explore this place's dungeon-like structure, but I also don't want to get the shit kicked out of me by angry anythings.

Renko yawns. "Ha~nh… how long have we been up?"

...Satori tilts her head back and forth. "Well, it's two thirty in the morning right now."

"Really!?" Renko is surprised!

...Maribel turns to her friend with equal surprise!

"Mmm." Satori nods. "You all probably got a rush both from those brownies, and from fighting for your life with my pet."

...Curiously, Maribel gestures back to the kitchen with her thumb. "She's your _pet?_ "

"As are all the animals here." Hoh. "...Barring you humans, despite you technically being animals."

The girls grin at the reference. Getting up- and setting her mostly empty glass down- Maribel stretches… "Aa~h…"

Ti~ng! A barely luminescent, pink light generates to the right of our table and couches…

"This light will lead you to a bedroom, if you follow it." Satori explains what it is! "...Do not worry about being attacked on the way. I know everything that goes on within these walls, and none of my pets would act in spite of me, if they didn't desire to be punished. I'm not typically one for discipline or regulation, but when push comes to shove, I do what needs to be done."

...With that, Renko gets up and moves with Maribel towards the light without hesitation. I'm not tired yet, so~...

I wave at them! "I'll catch up with you guys, yo. I've gotta get into some trouble first."

Maribel snorts. "Alright. Don't get naked and loom over my bed again like you did last time."

...Renko double takes, looking back at me. "He did a what now!?"

"Nothing." Slowly, Maribel struts after the light. "C'mon, Renko-chan."

Reluctantly, Renko begins to follow in her wake, slightly offput by her statement but quick to shrug it off…

After a few moments, the girls are gone. It's just me and Satori, now!

"...You seem eager to talk about something, but don't know what to talk about." Satori reads my social ineptitude! "I do have to say, you know an eerie amount of detail about Gensokyo despite the extent of your stay here."

I wanna know how she figured out I was only in Gensokyo for a month, and the things I know about Touhous…

"I didn't." Satori smirked. "My statement just there was in part a bluff to provoke you into thinking about more details."

...Oo~h, tricky, tricky! Mind reading would be terrifying if the wielder of it wasn't as chill as she is.

"So I've heard." Leaning back further, Satori relaxes on the couch, letting her stiff demeanor go a bit. "...Though, what you genuinely know despite your interactions here seems curious, if warranted by our world here being documented on the outside. Still…" Looking pensive, Satori glances down at the table. "I find it hard to believe, unless Yakumo herself divulged information to the outside."

Or, perhaps, I'm from some kinda different outside. Maribel and Renko seem to be from one where Touhou isn't a thing.

Considering this, Satori looks me in the eyes. "...That's interesting. You don't suppose it's a regional phenomenon?"

I shake my head. "Not how the internet works, yo. Kinda." S'a bit awkward saying words after not saying them for awhile… and having half-telepathic communication. While there are plenty of regional culture things even on the internet, Touhou's kinda transcended its national boundaries and language barriers by some spooky black magic.

...Satori takes this in. "I see."

...I hear thumping behind us!

"Hello~?" Ivasa sounds like she's awake! "Where a~re yo~u…?"

After a moment, the thumps increase in volume and Ivasa slithers into the room, through the door behind my couch.

"Aa~h. I thought I smelled… you…" She trails off, her smirk fading.

"Hello, Ivasa." Satori greets her pet with a single wave from the couch.

"Oo~h…" Bringing a hand to her mouth, Ivasa begins looking around. "...Hello, Satori-sama. How are you?"

"Fine." Satori's givin' her a _stare_ , yo! "Tell me, Ivasa… what did I say about consuming _live_ beings?"

"How could I ever forget?" Smiling warmly, Ivasa begins to trace around the edge of the room… "You instructed me perfectly clearly. No consumption of living beings, youkai, human, or otherwise. Additionally, I was not able to contribute to or be involved in the death of any living being in order to circumvent this rule."

"I also told you not to leave your room during restricted hours." Folding her arms, Satori gives her a small frown. "Do I need to start locking your doors?"

"What!?" Ivasa doesn't like the sound of that! "No- no! I- I was just, ehh... " Setting her gaze on me, the lamia beams. "I was showing those _delightful_ humans around the temple! They were direly lost, you see, and one of them came to me for help!"

"No." I shake my head at her. "You tried to fry our _asses_ with magic. I'm gonna have a wedgie for _weeks_ , dude. You broke my lawnmower." Two of these three statements are false!

" _Shut up!_ " Ivasa's temper flares! "Satori-sama would never trust your kind! Not after what you did to her so many years ago!"

...I look over at Satori, and she just has a droll expression on her face.

Ivasa's probably trying to play to her berserk button or something. Wasn't the story of Satori and Koishi like, humans were super putoff by their abilities so they bullied Koishi into sealing her third eye?

...After giving me a sudden, curious glance, Satori looks back over at Ivasa. "You _do_ recall that I can read minds, correct?"

Ivasa blinks. "Indeed. If you've read our minds, you should clearly see which one of us is correct."

"...Which means you're lying." Satori monotones.

Jerking back, Ivasa portrays faux offense. "Wha~t!? How _dare_ you!? Satori-sama, I would _never_ question your judgment, but in this scenario I have no other choice than to-"

" _Sleepaga._ " Satori holds out her hand.

"Oo~h…" Jerking in place, Ivasa's eyes become uneven. "...Nn-nooh. Th-that wo~n't work on-"

Standing up, Satori swings her arm slowly. "Blizzard."

 _Fwi~sh!_ A small chunk of magical ice whirls towards Ivasa, and seemingly passes through her form, frost shaving off of it with every impact it makes. "Aa-aah!? Yo-you-"

" _Sleepaga._ " Once again, Satori holds up her hand…

...Thud. Ivasa was out like a light.

...With that, Satori sat back down again. "She'll be out for another eight hours, at this rate. For a few hours she'll be fine like this, but I'll have to bring her back to her room or cast some sun or fire spells to keep her from getting actually hurt from sleeping without proper body temperature."

Ooo~. Lamia biology stuff…

Sensing my interest, Satori elaborates. "Basically, lamias are cold-blooded. Therefore, it's easier to knock them out if you cast ice spells on them, and they're naturally weak to ice magic. For this reason, many have fire, sand, or sun affinities. There are exceptions, of course, but such is the trait of their general species.

"Ivasa here is more able to sleep without proper heating than most lamia, but when she's artificially knocked out like this, her body temperature could fall to harmful levels if left out too long. Since her body is so long and has that sandstone shell, however, she's more able to keep hold of heat than most lamia, and is therefore more ice resistant. She's an uncommon underground breed."

That's pretty interesting…

Standing up, I stretch…! "Ho ho~... what things are there to do here, yo? Just so I got some _munitions_ for tomorrow's festivities."

"We have a pool." Satori states. "...Separate from the carnivorous fish pool, I assure you."

I hold out my arms. "Can't swim, yo!" Aaaa~h!

"We have a kitty pool." ...A _kitty_ pool, rather than a kiddie pool. Yeah, that's pretty apt, innit?

Standing up, Satori glances me over. "You still seem to have energy to burn."

"Yeah, yo." Speaking and doing things usually keeps me from dying!

"Let's experiment." Stepping away from the furniture, Satori moves to the nearby, furnitureless space…

Yo ho ho~. I follow her over, looking around…

"How many spell cards do you have?" Satori asks about my danmaku capability.

Ah ha, yeah, about that…

...After some moments, she blinks. "Oh."

Holding up her hand, she aims it at the wall, and starts shooting some basic yellow cylinders, which get pulled down to the floor by gravity. "...Ah."

...Turning to me again, she makes her curiosity known. "Your friend was valid in her line of questioning when she asked you how you aren't dead yet."

"I am a danmaku _god_." I inform her…!

"So, instead of danmaku, you've been…" Furrowing her brows, Satori holds her arms out-

 _Fwi~sh!_ In one hand, a sizable, fantasy-like sword generates, made entirely of some translucent purple material. Then, she brings her other hand to its blade-

 _Shi~ng!_

...She's transformed it into a _plant hanger!_ Yo!

"Genuinely…" Grasping the translucent plant hanger, she swung it around. "...Fairy Harp, is it?"

Reaching into my bag, I drew my own Fairy Harp! "Yeah, yo."

"...Not good for much, at the moment." She passed judgment on the weapon. "As far as wind spells go, you might want a few more debuffs." With that, she presses her hand to the hanger again.

Cli-click. The generic translucent hanger shimmers, changing affinities.

...After a moment, the shaft that goes on Hard Winter slowly extends. Aw, that name I chose for it, yo. Can't wait to make all the boner jokes!

...Satori gives me a dry glance. Hyonk, hyonk, hyonk!

"This seems to be your most developed weapon." Satori reflects on its impressive length. "Draw yours. Why don't we spar a little?"

Depends, yo. Am I gonna get my ass kicked?

"If I wanted it kicked, I would have done it already." Satori soothes my soul. "This is more about seeing what you can do, if anything. That, and it should tire you out quickly."

Hoh. Putting away Fairy Harp, I take out Hard Winter, and ready to do combat…!

Holding it up, I apply my self buff magically!

Satori imitates my brief stance, seemingly buffing herself up, too.

…

Instead of starting with a physical attack, I jam Hard Winter into the floor. "Gaia Seed!"

Fwooo~...

The earth green magical circle generates around Satori's form.

Before it initializes, she nimbly slides backwards with little preparation, dodging its effects. Oof, that agility, yo.

Holding her arm up, she casts a counter-spell! " _Lucky Star!_ "

A huge, solid, purple star forms above Satori, and slowly hurtles towards my position. Quickly, I begin to bolt out of the way…!

 _Fwow-fwow!_ Seconds later, it hits the floor behind me, shattering into smaller star particles that bounce away at an awkward, inaccurate angle. Holy shit…!

Alrighty then…

Holding my arm up, I cast it forward!

A crusty pillow hurtles towards Satori, but she parries it with her Hard Winter, knocking it aside. "...That spell is bad, and you should feel bad." Wahaha!

Holding her arm up, she casts it forward. U~h-

As I strafe to the side, a pink, round pillow whizzes by me.

Plap! It splats on the stone floor.

Is that a pillow soaked with Satori's…!?

"Makai succubi have had an interesting creation, haven't they?" Satori dryly comments on the spell, and also on succubi from Makai specifically.

Time to rush Satori wildly and randomly! Aa- ah, she'd know I thought that, wouldn't she?

...Looking over her, I see she's now got her Hard Winter up defensively.

Alright, yo.

Crouching down again, I stab my Hard Winter into the floor to cast Tundra, that one freakin' tiny spike of ice…

 _Kri~ng!_ Oo~h! It's… not _as_ tiny anymore! That's safely about the size of a chair! Yo!

Satori's avoided it by jumping, though. Coming back down, she plants her shoes on the side of the spike, and rushes forward towards me by springing off of it.

I raise Hard Winter defensively-

 _Woosh!_ Dropping low unexpectedly as she comes near me, Satori brings my legs out from under me, causing me to fall onto my side awkwardly. "Oof…!"

 _Whish!_

…

Rotating to look up from the floor, I see Satori has her fake hanger at my neck. Pfft…

"I think I won." Satori allows herself a small smile, before backing away from me. I think you won, too.

Getting up from the floor, I dust myself off…

"...Fortunately for you, this temple is probably the safest place underground, for a human." Satori comments on my complete lack of proficiency in any field of combat! Except _hanger_ combat, yo. The _best_ form of combat. "Just keep your distance from deep water and Ivasa."

Aw, what about the kitties, yo? They're _lovable_.

Satori grins. "You could probably get away with cuddling with some of them, if you played your cards right. Don't get sexual, though, or you probably wouldn't survive." Uh oh. No sexy cats…

...I yawn. "Haa~uh…"

Next to me, Satori has the pink light fade into existence.

"Here you are." Casting her hanger arm aside, Satori dispels the weapon, letting it fade into glittery particles. "Enjoy your stay."

Satori really knows how to present, yo! A~nd I just thought that on impulse, too!

As I meander off, Satori snorts…

Man, if people had to watch their thoughts as much as they did their words, how would they, like… consider shit? Oof. It's probably possible among the genetically engineered, the trained-from-birth, and certain youkai, but normal people like me would be _fucked_.

Now, to follow this pretty pink light into these halls…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Speaking of fucked situations…

"Mro~w…" A marble colored kitty cat's following me. Like, not a cat girl, just an actual cat.

…

The reason this situation is complex is 'cause I dunno what to do with an actual cat! Satori _has_ these!?

Idly, I follow the glowing pink orb along the dark hall. Yeah, for some reason it took a turn into a non-illuminated hall.

After a moment, it stops at one of the many generic doors, and floats into it, fading out.

...Now it's freakin' dark!

Reaching forward, I jiggle the-... oh, this isn't one of those doors. It's a sliding paper-and-wood type door! Why's this patch of wall all oriental when the rest's stone and knobs? Oh, well…

Sliding it open, I find a big standard oriental room, although it has some dim lighting and a poofy bed in the middle. Unlike regular beds, it's large, round, and has a cushiony design all along the rim...

Is this a giant cat bed?

The room's also got some big freakin' plush geometry along the edges. Like… essentially generic cat toys, except _big_.

Poof!

Aight, Satori, what the fuck.

From a thin veil of beige smoke, the cat turned into a tall woman with long, beige hair. She had a loosely fitting nightgown on.

...She gingerly steps over to the big bed, her chest jiggling the entire way… but once she gets to it, she freakin' leaps in with inhuman speed-

Fwoof. She lands on the bed audibly, and immediately curls up into a ball, her chin to her knees. Oh. Good humanoid sleeping posture.

Did Satori actually sign me up for a cuddle session, or something? I was kinda half joking about that…!

…

On one hand, there's no other beds. On the other, I don't wanna get my face clawed off…

Actually, there are those giant plush toys. Hmm.

...Considering the cat takes up like, no room on her huge bed, I think I'll be fine awkwardly positioning myself to the side.

Clambering onto the vacant, right side of the round cat bed, I-... wow, these cushion segments are not good for a lot. Freakin' in the way, more like it! Oh, well. This is better than collapsing on the floor.

…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

…

It's dark, yo. _Somethin's_ on me. Aa~h…

…

After some shifting, it seems to be Ha-chan! Man, those cushion things around this not-so-huge-as-I-thought cat bed make it hard to lay straight… so I'm just kinda awkwardly smooshed into Ha-chan. It's not a bad situation, though!

That cat girl's hugging into Ha-chan from behind, so we're like a _sleep_ conga! Although I'm facing Ha-chan, so it's more like an awkward three-wheeled waltz.

In terms of height, Ha-chan's like five foot something, probably. She ain't short, but not tall enough ta write home about.

Time to get up!

I start pushing against the bed-

"Noo~..." Ha-chan protests, pulling me close again, her arms around me. She's fully dressed and all, but _breasts against chest_ son. Freakin'- it's too early for this…! "We're gonna snuggle now…" You're more awake than I thought! Also _now_ , of all times…? With this _cat?_ Although, it doesn't seem like the cat's doing anything, so her presence isn't unwelcome.

Aa~h… well, I suppose I could stay like this for awhile longer.

...Ha-chan hugs me tightly! "...You kinda remind me of a fairy." Oo~h, snuggle banter.

"Any fairy in particular…?" Drowsy mornings… or whatever the hell time it is. I can't tell, we're something-something miles down under!

"Nope." Idly, Ha-chan shifts a little bit. The cat girl seems to have her arms around her. "You're just… really light and thin."

Ah, yeah. That's what you get when you only eat waffles every twenty chapters! My metabolism also puts jet engines to shame and could melt steel beams, so I could have a week of just cheese pizza eating and it'd be like dumping them into a black hole. The only downside to that is that it's now extremely precarious to gain _any_ weight and not look like an anorexic all the time… be it muscular weight or just fat.

Considering all the junk food and pizza I eat, I think I've got the better deal compared to most people, honestly! Well, it's kinda a problem in Gensokyo since I don't eat anything, but that's what I got Hard Winter's buff for. Freakin', Hard Winter…

"Nn~h…" Ha-chan almost-stretches as best she can, before bringing her face close to mine. "...Why do humans grow hair on their face?"

You get within kissing distance and _that's_ what you ask me? Solar winds. Evolution. I don't know…! "It kinda happens over time." Best explanation.

Curiously, Ha-chan brings her chin to mine. She's experimenting with how chin hair feels! Ahah…

At this point, my beard is small but exists. In a year it will flourish, but it will need to be nourished by time...

Having my personal space violated is uncomfortable, but it's a good kind of uncomfortable.

Didn't she used to be more shy than this? I remember her blushing and shit- well, she's slightly doing that here, too, but she's kinda sandwiched between me and a busty cat girl so y'know- but-

 _Someone's_ legs shift. I move mine a little, but Christ we're tangled. Pretty sure the cat girl's not helping on that front!

…

"I'm stu~ck…" Ha-chan whines, trying to wiggle out of the way of the cat girl, only to wiggle _into_ me. Geez… "Wait, who's holding me…?" Ha-chan, your spatial awareness is astounding.

Struggling further, Ha-chan starts shifting her legs and torso again- woah!? She just brushed my-

"Nn~h…" The cat girl starts to sit up, her chest exposed.

…

Idly, she looks over at us, before proceeding to clamber out of bed, paying us no mind. Somehow, she untangles her legs from us seamlessly, before moving to strut out of the room-

Poof! Once she gets the door open, she turns back into a cat with a simple poof of smoke…

Freakin'... stoic tall cat girl. I bet she's tubby in cat form.

Once she's gone, Ha-chan rolls me onto my back. "Now we can _really_ cuddle!"

"Freakin'..." Drained of my morning-or-whatever-time-it-is energy, I drowsily blink as Ha-chan presses herself into my form…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Now I'm all tired waking up again, too…

Stepping out of the dim room, I find that the hallway outside is still dark. Why~ is the hallway still dark? What time even is it…!? Satori: invest in clocks. Call up Yukari right now, eight-seven-seven-I-need-Yakumo-now, tell her to bring _clocks_.

Ha-chan steps out behind me, and shares similar opinions. "It's da~rk…"

...If I remember correctly though, if I go right and just keep walking, that should take me back to that lit clearing from earlier.

…

After awhile of walking, it does!

No one's here, though. Except for that beige cat, but she's just in cat form and licking her own asshole. At least the room's lit.

Looking around the room she had to have gone through to get here, Ha-chan expresses amazement at it again. "Ooo~! The ceiling's so tall!"

Oh, boy. Finding Maribel and Renko's gonna be a challenge, isn't it?

Well, then. Time to pick a _lit_ hallway and commit to it!

Moving to one of the far ends of the room, I pick a hallway with red and beige walls, and follow it.

"Ah, hey…!" Ha-chan lags behind me…!

This hallway's rather different, with this weird triangular pattern on the walls. There're maroon vases dotted along the sides of the hall, but there aren't any side doors, which is weird.

Eventually, the hall comes to end at a freakin' orange ladder.

...Taking a breath, I start climbing the stone ladder. It feels sturdy, and I got Ha-chan to maybe catch me in case I fall and get fucked up by gravity.

At the top- oh, huh.

Before me is a long, brown tiled pathway. To the left and right are open expanses of a huge, tan room. The ceiling seems to be some kind of shiny tile that gives off overcast-esque sky lighting…

The floor is far beneath the path that's before me, and has what looks like shallow water all along it. There are a few small steps to some doors at the bottom.

Similar to the roof of the lobby from before, there are various rectangles exposed in the walls.

However, at the clearing I just climbed to, there's this grey crystal, just floating in place. It's like four feet tall, but reaches my height 'cause it's floating. Slowly rotates too, yo...

…

I'm not sure what to do with that, so I'll just ignore it, for now.

 _Fwooo~m!_

Oh, shit!

A massive gust of wind suddenly gushes through the room, forcing me to back up towards that crystal to not get flung back down the ladder. That ladder was like twenty feet tall…!

"Ahn!" Ha-chan is slammed into the backwall beyond the ladder's gap by the wind.

I get to see somethin' incredible 'cause of it, though!

The water all along the floor of the room seems to have splashed up into the air, and the room's ambience changed to a autumn amber sorta color.

"Hahaha~!" There's a brown-haired cat girl holding onto… _something_.

 _Tactactactactactac…!_ It was like a giant, copper ring hovering above her, and she held onto it by a stick at the bottom. It reminded me of my flail-o-copter, except not as destructive, and it didn't seem to have any ascent power without wind assistance… but the cat girl was usin' it to glide.

It also made that weird tac-tac-tac sound, which I guess was some kinda inner mechanism.

...Looking back at the giant floating crystal I used to not die, I give it a slap.

It lights up a faded purple briefly, before some mana prizes drop next to me. Oh…?

...Quickly pulling out Fairy Harp- 'cause it's a small hanger- I use it to whack the crystal.

It lights up a bright purple, and a buncha the bubble-like mana prizes splay out around me! My mana's at max so this doesn't help me at all, but that's cool!

Ha-chan comes over to play with the bubbles, stepping on them. "Hehehe~! It's a bubble crystal!"

 _Tactactactactactac!_ A different, blue-haired cat girl hovers past the straight, three tile wide catwalk that extended across the room. Gradually, the shiny water particles- lit up by the room's sudden amber lighting- start to descend to the floor again, while the cat girls slowly glide down with their whatever-the-hells…

Slipping away Fairy Harp, I start to take out my good old Yin-Yang Flail-o-copter. That might come in handy really soon…

Man, this thing is clunky. That's probably why I've chosen to walk places more often…! Freakin' rope made out of fairy maid _panties_. I need to DIY more bullshit. I wonder if the cats here wear panties… and maybe enchanted ones at that. Dude, a panty chainmail would be the sickest shit.

Soon, the room's water is all down on the ground again, and the ambience becomes overcast daylight-esque again.

With my flail-o-copter ready, I march out onto the catwalk, eying the bottom carefully…

Ooo. Now it seems the cats are like, using the disc spinny things to float atop the water. The disc spinny things don't spin in the water, either, they just kinda float. Now that they're largely immobile, I can see that the buoyant copper rings have three thin spokes inside of them…

There's actually like six cats in here. No harpies, curiously…

At the bottom, there's a myriad of other copper discs without any cats attending them, floating on the water.

 _Woo~sh_ … A powerful wind blows by me almost warningly.

Raising up my flail-o-copter, I begin spinning it. Ha-chan backs up so she doesn't get freakin' _destroyed_ by it.

...After a moment of spin-up, the yin-yang orb caught in a net of freakin' panties and rope starts to glow, and the Vortex Hanger's effect kicks in, allowing me to jankily float into the air! Wahaha! This'd be the weirdest shit if I had my space suit on.

 _Fwooo~m!_

A powerful gust of wind propels Ha-chan, myself, and the myriad of cat girls into the air.

 _Bam!_ My flail-o-copter hits the ceiling, but this just makes me bob back down a little.

The room is filled with the sound of copper hover rings tactactacin' away, and the giggles of the cat girls.

Ha-chan's floating next to me! "Ow~..." She seems to have hit her head on the ceiling, but is mostly fine since the ascent loses intensity really high up in the room… "So pretty!"

Oh, yeah, the water particles got flung into the air again, too, and everything's all warm colors and stuff. This is a pretty kickass room!

...Some cat girls give me a curious glance since I'm not like the other flying people, but I'm mostly ignored otherwise. If anyone wanted to talk from any farther than like Ha-chan's distance, they'd be drowned out by the noise of the copper ring things…

Below, I can see that the other side of the cat walk that spanned the room had a new hallway to explore.

Gradually, I let my flail-o-copter slow down, allowing descent… it takes a bit longer than it does for the cat girls 'cause their rings don't seem meant for outright flight, just gliding. My flail thing's a flying _machine_ , baby!

...Landing on the other side, I let the flail-o-copter hit the wall-

 _Bam!_ Honh, honh.

Dragging it along, I quickly move into the hall. There's only a ladder up at the end, here, so if the wind kicks in I won't be thrust down a shaft to a twenty foot drop.

Ha-chan follows me in. "Aww~h… that room looked like fun."

Eheheh. Fun for you, maybe…!

After taking a moment to put away the flail-o-copter, I begin climbing this new ladder. I'd've flown up with the flail, but this shaft's way too tiny to spin anything in.

Another freakin' twenty foot climb later, and I'm at the top…

The walls had transitioned from the red triangular pattern to just grey with ornate albeit not meaningful carvings…

Carefully pulling myself up, so I don't freakin fall and _explode_ , I look around…

Oh. I'm at the base of one of those pointy spires outside the palace…

Taking a few steps out, I find that I'm on the palace roof!

All it takes is some lookin' around, and I manage to set my sights on some friends to my right…

Maribel and Renko are leaning on a stone guard rail, staring at the amber sky. Satori is standing behind them, looking over at me…

"Right on time." She nods. Aw, placin' bets, huh?

...Glancing to see what she meant, Maribel notices me. "Oh, Brad! Where were you all morning? Renko-chan thought you had sex with a cat and died." Pfft…!

Renko dryly glances over Maribel, before focusing on me. "...I don't _think_ I said that."

I raise my arms concedingly. "She's right, yo, she's right. They _got me_ dude. I got better, though."

...Ha-chan walks out from the tower thing behind me, and beams. "Oh, hey~! It's you guys!"

"Oh, yeah." I gesture my arm towards Ha-chan. "She got better too, yo."

...Grinning sheepishly, Renko stepped towards Ha-chan. "Ah- uhm… hey."

"Hi." Ha-chan steps towards her for conversation.

"...I'm sorry about… killing you." Renko looks conflicted. "I can't put it in a better way, but…"

Ha-chan was mystified. "...I dunno what you're talking about."

Renko pauses. "...You know, on the bridge? You were angry at me for getting near Brad, and I uh…"

...Ha-chan shakes her head. "I remember getting all angry all of a sudden, and then I was back in the forest and it was night."

...Renko nods. "Huh. Well, I killed you."

"Oh." Ha-chan doesn't really acknowledge this. "...Are you gonna kill me again?"

"N-no!?" Renko is caught off guard! "I mean, no."

Smiling, Ha-chan is satisfied with that answer. "Cool! Usually people who kill me like to kill me over and over, so I just wanted to make sure…"

…

After a moment, Satori looks over at me. "Your fairy friend is peculiar."

"I think we're all a little peculiar…" Maribel was tired of Satori calling everyone some variant of unique.

The mind reader snorts. "...You're not wrong."

...

Aw, yo. The amber underground sky looks pretty freakin' surreal. I feel like I'm in freakin' Dark Souls or something…

We take in the 'sky' a little more, before Satori begins moving. "I'll show you all the pool, now."

No more skybox gazing, yo. Also, if the pool's that freakin' wind hell room with the copper rings, I'm gonna stuff fluffles down your shirt…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 63

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Hard Winter - A earth/ice-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice! Allows the user to cast Ice Shard. Extends combo length by one artificially. Allows the user to jump out out of combos smoothly, and leave frost in their trail.

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I _would_ like to know where it actually _puts_ all my stuff though…

==o==

WEAPONS:

Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! It better, with a name like 'Swordbreaker'. Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! May cast Flash, an attack that blinds; works best on darkness elementals and youkai. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can cast Gust. By the addition of a steel block, its attack and magic attack increased slightly. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites stuff on impact. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle, allowing the user to cast Flamethrower Plus! Allows the user to cast Fume.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Can produce limitless fresh water. Boosts the power of water skills. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style; physical attack increased, physical defense lowered. User bleeds out faster. Can cast Revenge, an attack that increases in power the lower the user's health is. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to let it cut!

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Lowers defense slightly. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger is slightly electric and holy elemental. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy…

==o==

ARMOR:

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Seventy-five percent time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!

Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means _business, son_. _One hundred percent_ ice resistance, and as such renders me immune to all magical ice damage. Dunno 'bout icicles and stuff, though. Fifty percent freeze resistance… not that freezing will hurt me with this thing on. Fifty percent dark resistance. Negative fifty percent fire and burning resistance. Hopefully hides me a bit when navigating in the freakin' brush...

Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! Fifty percent sun resistance, one hundred percent freezing and blinding resistance. Also gives immunity to electrical stunning. It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.

Lunarian Prototype Space Suit - A suit meant for combat in deep space. So far, it's only got the whole 'exist in deep space' part down…! _One hundred percent_ electric resistant. One hundred percent freezing resistant. Has an oxygen tank, but that's only useful if you wear the helmet to go along with it. Randomly casts Zero Gravity when it feels like it.

Lunarian Prototype Deep Space Helmet - It's a freakin' helmet. Fifty percent blinding resistant! When worn with the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit, it also confers immunity to burning and poison, along with _another_ one hundred percent electricity resistance. Yo…!

Testing Oxygen Tank - The oxygen tank used by the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit. Lasts for two and a half minutes! Not meant to actually be used outside of testing, but it's possible. Refills automatically in breathable air.

==o==

CONSUMABLES/OTHER:

Forty six thousand, two hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!

Seven Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Three Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on _debuffs_ , though...

WebDings Book about Foreign Juices - Wahaha! This better fetch a price on the market!

Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I _really_ have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

==o==

Maribel Hearn, the University Student

WEAPON: Porcelain Mirror - A plant hanger made with curiously chrome materials. Reflects small projectiles it hits. Allows the user to cast Reflect. May cast Reflect with certain skills.

INVENTORY:

[Suitcase] - Holds her stuff. Gives five inventory spaces!

Drawings - Her drawing stuff!

Writing Utensils - Crayons, pencils, pens… hoh hoh!

Dreamcatcher - A holy hanger. May cast Talisman Seal on impact. Casts Talisman Seal with certain skills. Boosts the power of holy skills. Grants fifty percent resistance to syphoning and cursing.

Cast-Iron Plant Hanger - A sturdy plant hanger made of solid metal.

Umbrella - It helps stop the dreaded sky water.

[no space remaining]

==o==

Renko Usami, the University Student

WEAPON: Counterweight - Black and gold scissors, with elaborate handles. Every enemy on the field increases combo length by one attack. Every enemy on the field increases jump height and defense by .3x, starting at a base of 1.0x with one enemy. Twenty five percent space resistance granted. User is immune to shoe-glue status when enemies are present. When equipped with no enemies on the field, inflicts shoe-glue status, preventing the user from jumping.

OFFHAND: Umbrella - It helps stop the dreaded sky water.

==o==

INVENTORY:

Steel Scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Sunfire Scissors - Casts Sunfire Flare on impact. Boosts the power of Sun elemental attacks.

Mega Potion - Causes the whole party to regenerate life.

[no more space remaining]

==o==

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

hoh

extended chapter slightly 'cause ivasa fight was lengthy-ish

a~nd that's another batch done!

satori's fun - w - i've wanted to work with her for awhile

HARD WINTER, the most apt plant hanger name, and we could use a few more easy DICK JOKES

pretty abrupt way to get underground but it's more viable than actually scaling the whole way… as it turns out it's a trail full of MOONSTERS AHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

bed scene with ha-chan - w - i wanna get better at romance/psuedo-romance and knowing how to do bed / relaxation scenes in a not super cringey way is a step in the right direction

also yes this place is like mostly cat girls but also harpies and some other myriad friends…

friend times

oh yeah with this batch...

We have hit a _**MILLION**_ words. Yeah, you read that number on the summary thing and right here correctly, yo.

 _ **O== ==O**_

It's been a freakin' long road, yo, long road.

...With that said, I'm also launching another side fic so I can expand my horizons and stuff; you'll probably see it on the ffnet page right next to this one. S'not so much a comedy, but I think it'll be interesting! I also don't plan on it being extremely long, like _this freakin' thing_ but it should be a good size when I'm done wit' it.

But, yeah. One million. I remember when that mark was just a freakin' joke, Christ. Jesus fuck…!

Incredulity aside, everyone who's stuck with me so far has my thanks once again! I do wish some more of you would share your wisdom with me, yo, but I appreciate your mere presence regardless. - w - If you're happy, yo, I'm happy. Unless it's about the Matt chapters; then if you're unhappy _we're_ happy. XD

So, yeah. I'm not quite as insecure about my writing as I used to be, but commentation is always appreciated. Please thoroughly molest me, yo. It's a shame the Touhou fanfiction section's slower than others, honestly, but I guess it has been an interesting environment for me ta hone my craft. At least it's not dead as a doorknob like the freakin' Touhou / EarthBound section. Ho ho ho…!

i didn't forget about that website thing but considering college and other variables i gotta find a good moment to actually iron that thing out and maybe find a not crap free web host - w -

i did say i wanted to stop a million but y'know for something THIS LONG it needs to end respectably yo... perhaps after another 500 k words of bullshit i dunno XD we'll SEE WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS...

As _always_ , see you all next time!


	80. Obligatory 'Beach' Episode: Poof Edition

(in which we chillax and max and relax all koo)

It's the beach episode, dude! Fifty miles under the Earth's crust, under the dim light of freakin', Old Hell's amber 'sky'.

Despite the gloom, Satori's poolside is accented by some fluorescent lights… which kinda only emphasized how dark it is. It's like it's always night down here, except a little brighter. Maybe a little more orange, too!

The pool's basically in this little indent to the right of the palace proper, shielded by a hedge maze. Little bus stop-esque stations supply the pool area with clean light…

"Is it always so dark down here?" Renko notices how the lights don't even cover the whole pool, the inner reaches of the water dark.

Smirking at her friend, Maribel adds to that. "I thought you liked dark things, Renko-chan…"

Rolling her eyes, Renko starts to proceed around the poolside. "There's a difference between dark themes and not being _able to_ _see_ , Merry…"

"The pool's ten feet deep." Satori commentates idly next to me. Then, she turns to me. "So you'll die if you go in there." Hoh, shit…!

Maribel jerks her head back. "What? Why?"

...Satori points at me with her thumb. "He can't swim."

...Maribel just blinks at me owlishly. "Really?"

I shake my head. "Can't swim, yo." Can't fly, can't swim, can't walk… can't _breathe…!_

"Of all the people…" Is it really that hard for her to wrap her head around…? "It's not that hard, you know."

Oh ho ho ho… "Last time I tried swimming, yo, I sank." I inform Maribel. "It was sink or swim, and I sank, and I died. Lost to the waves, dude."

...She just shakes her head. "Like- really..." You chose your best words, yo. "Satori, do you think we could teach him how to swim?"

"In the thousand years I've been alive," Satori reveals her age! "I've seldom had the need to teach someone how to swim."

Satori, what would happen if I just pushed you into the pool right now?

...She just slowly rotates to face me, smirking.

Alright, yo.

Bolting forward, I slam my arms into- holy shit!

...Satori's currently holding me by my arms, my legs propped precariously against the edge of the pool, preventing me from falling into the water and eating shit. All it took was a quick second for her to slip around me, rotate me, and freakin' nearly toss me into the pool.

"...Even if you caught me unaware," Satori critiques my strategy, "I'd have simply floated and never gotten wet in the first place."

Awh…

"I'm not sure what just happened." Yeah, that'd look pretty freakin' weird without context, wouldn't it, Merry?

Darting backwards, Satori pulls me back onto the concrete beside the pool. You wouldn't think she was athletic- being a magely youkai and all- but I dunno. One probably needs a certain level of strength minimum to freakin' live underground…

Finally making her way through the hedge maze, Ha-chan caught up with us! "Hello~!"

That reminds me, we don't have swim gear, do we? I have a freakin _space suit_ , if that counts…!

"We _do_ have spare swimwear…" Satori considers, furrowing her brows. "...None are fit for a male, however."

"I will be fine with a thong and a bra." Yeheha~h! Bikini man!

Maribel gives me a dry look. "You will not be fine with a thong and a bra. _I_ will not be fine with you being fine with a thong and a bra."

"Seconded." Satori refuses my request. Aaa~h!

...Finishing her walk around the pool, Renko comes up next to us. "Does this pool use chlorine?"

Satori blinks. "...I'm not sure why chlorine would be used as a cleaning agent, but the water is replaced daily, and the walls are cleaned routinely."

...This response surprises Renko!

Reading the surprise, Satori clarifies. "We can make water magically, down here. Filling a pool is a trivial task."

Realization setting in, Renko nods. "Oo~h. Yeah, I see now…"

Ha-chan steps forward, and just falls into the pool.

 _Splash!_

We all just kinda stare at her as she sinks…

…

 _Splash!_ She re-emerges, soaked to the bone. "The water's great!" She gives up a thumbs up! "It's pretty warm, too!"

"Where's the kitten pool?" I wanna sit in some lukewarm shallows…

"Follow me." Satori begins to move back into the hedge maze. Freakin'- can't we just walk through the hedges…!?

Noticing my thoughts, Satori gestures to the hedge wall to her right. "Try."

...To my surprise, Maribel ends up moving before I do to stumble through the hedge wall ahead.

...After getting in a little, she finds herself stopped before she can get her whole body in. "He~y…"

"Invisible walls." Satori smirks, continuing deeper into the hedge maze.

What the fuck. Like- straight up invisible walls. Just… yeah. Okay.

"They're actually magical barriers, of a sort. That's why the plants can thrive within them. They're not actual walls." Satori responds to probably me. Hoh.

I follow behind Satori, sweating my _ass_ off the whole way. The other girls follow behind us, with the soaked Ha-chan just drifting over the maze to follow us...

You'd think this would be a magical hedge maze with weird misdirection things, traps, or tricks. Nope! It's just a hedge maze with asshole walls placed in the hedges. Good and clean, yo.

There's lamp posts darted along the way, fortunately, or else we'd really be in for it in these dark corridors…!

Eventually, we come to the 'kitty' pool…

There's a pale-skinned, blue-haired cat girl in a bikini in it. It's a pretty shallow pool, probably one to three feet deep depending on where you choose to stand… and the very edges are just like, ankle deep.

Since it's so hot, I don't give a shit. I start walking into it, yo…

"Uhm…" Maribel watches me walk off. "Brad, aren't you going to… change?"

"I must go." I walk into the sea. "My planet needs me."

After a few seconds, I reach the middle, submerged up to my waist. The water feels weird, but cools me back to normal temperatures…

"...Hi." The cat girl, despite not being very buxom, seems to start trying to shield herself with her limbs…

"Hi." I greet her. "If I started drowning right now, would you save me?"

She blinks. "Wh-why would you drown…?"

...Dazza good point! Shit!

 _Splash!_ Ha-chan somehow springs out of the three feet of water behind me. "Hello~!"

"Ho-hoa~h!" Flinching from the sudden noise, I stumble to the side-

 _Splash!_ A~nd, now I'm submerged, 'cause I tripped. Fuck, fuck…! It's only three feet but- it's on my _face!_ Aaa~h!

 _Splash!_ ...A moment later, and I'm being held up firmly by my right arm.

Turning, I see that the cat girl with short blue hair did indeed save me!

I give her a thumbs up. "Th-thanks, yo..."

She lets go of me- oh fuck!

 _Splash!_ Damn it, she just dropped me back in!? Fuck! Aaa~h!

…Everything's _wavey_ and shit. Being underwater's fucking weird!

 _Splash!_ The cat girl once again pulls me from the water. My eyes are shut from the water, freakin'...

"Pu-put me on my fe-feet this time…" I request!

"So-sorry…" Awkwardly, the stout cat girl starts to set me on my feet. Or, at least, helps me get my footing.

The other girls watch the scene dryly from the shore. Ha-chan's somehow almost completely submerged, poking her head out of the water next to me.

Once I'm back up, I begin to trudge towards the more shallow shallows…

Ma~n. Water's on my _face_ , and all over my _everythings_ , so I can't even wipe it _o~ff_ … aaa~h!

"You're _really_ not a fan of water, I take it…?" Satori commentates on my freakin'... _disposition_.

I shake my head. I mean, I like water magic 'cause it fucks people's shit up, and I like how water looks, but… keep my face away from freakin'- large pools of it!

"You'd be more acclimated to water if you knew how to _swim_." Maribel goes for the jugular…!

...Folding my arms, I accept this. "Haha~h… yeah."

Speakin' of swimmin', though, those swimsuits…

"They're over there. The swimsuits, that is." Satori points to an unilluminated shack in the corner of the current sector we're in.

Ho ho. I've got some plans, yo…

I strut towards the bikini shack first!

"Brad, no." Maribel walks faster, moving ahead of me! "I don't know about you… but I don't think you'll be needing any bikini bras or panties."

Aha! That's where you're wrong, son! I hold up a finger. "But, you see-"

"No." Maribel shuts me down, moving for the bikini shack ahead of me.

"Son…!" I move faster to try and outpace her!

We end up reaching the Nutsha- I mean- Bikini shack at the same time. I let Maribel open 'er up, though…

Inside is… boxes! Boxes filled with bikini _components_. More specifically, the walls are like blue and white wood panels with sloppy paint jobs.

I move to the box full of red bikini bits, and grab a handful. I'm gonna make a freakin' person strainer or something…

...After shaking her head at me, Maribel just moves to grab some normally colored purple and black garments, probably for herself and Renko.

We begin to walk outside with our stuffs!

Renko just glances over my armful of ruby red garments, before looking over at Satori. "How do you deal with seeing people's perverted thoughts?" Where'd the conversation _go_ in the thirty seconds we were gone!?

Satori snorts. "Oh, I don't. Deal with it, I mean. It just comes and goes, really… although you can track just how aroused someone is by the frequency."

...Nodding, Renko accepts that answer. "I guess it doesn't bother you, then?"

"Not really. I can confirm that in the past hour, you've all had at least one dirty thought about everyone here." Satori exposes our shit, dude!

Maribel fluffs up! "Wh-whuh…!?"

Renko grimaces, replying on a delay. "...Eeh?"

I give a thumbs up! "Ten out of ten, would lewd the Merry again." ...Try sayin' that ten times fast!

…

Maribel just slowly turns to me, eyes narrow. "I'm gonna _dunk_ you."

"Please, no." I back up, yo…! "I'm soft, and warm to the touch." Actually- does this imply Merry and Renko want to lewd _each other?_ Does this imply they'd want to lewd _Satori?_

...Satori doesn't give me any tangible response, gazing at the other girls instead. Wait- what about Ha-chan?

At that, Satori does reply. "That fairy, Hana, has indeed thought dirty things about all of us… and with perhaps more frequency than of... mostly everyone else here. Except for Masae, over there." Satori points to the blue-haired cat girl.

Masae seems to be staring into the distance, not really paying attention. U~h…!? She was hornier than _me_ this whole time!? Then again, I've just been kinda playin'. No wonder she's been quiet!

...Oh, yeah. Ha-chan's submerged up to just below her eyes again, looking extremely smug for some reason.

If Ha-chan used her electric abilities, that would be fun for the whole family, yo. Ho ho…!

...While Renko and Maribel approach one another, I turn to Satori. "What about _you_ , yo? What kinda pervy shenanigans do you get up to?"

...Satori actually furrows her brows at me. "I do not… think that is any of your business." Woahohoh! I thought she was gonna be totally indifferent, but that actually fazed her! Yo~, you know what that means…!?

"I will help Maribel dunk you." Satori stares me down. Get owned, son…!

Also, my kimono's not really drying off, but it sure as hell is becoming warmer. The water's actually getting all freakin' warm and shit! This underground cavern's freakin'... warm as hell! Maybe that's why it's called 'Old Hell'...!

In an effort to cool off, I walk into the water again…

Renko and Maribel just watch me wade off into the super shallow freakin' water. Then, they begin moving to the bikini shack again, probably to get changed…

Unlike the square ten feet deep pool, this pool is more like a round enclave in the floor.

That reminds me. I look over at Satori. "Are you~... gettin' in?"

She shakes her head. "No. Although, if I do take a dip, I'll be able to dry myself off readily enough."

Honh.

...Slowly moving through the water so I don't slip and freak myself out again, I approach Masae.

Masae turns to me! "O-oh…" Then, she starts to scoot away.

Hoh. With my bundle of bikinis I took from Satori's shack, I start pondering what the hell I'm gonna do with them…

They _do_ got some tiny frilly-not-frilly strings. Let's see~...

Idly, I drop all the bikinis into the water.

...Oh, they're sinking. What the fuck do you mean they don't float!?

"Good job." Satori critiques me. He~y, now…!

Reaching into my sack, I take out Deep Blue to help me wrangle some shit back in-

"Brad-kun!" Ha-chan- fuck, no!

 _Splash!_ ...She _glomped me_ in the _water_. Faa~h!

Submerged again. Shutting my mouth, I find myself already running out of air 'cause I wasn't ready yet! Aaa~h, aaa~h! I-I think I need help-

 _Splash!_

I am quickly and promptly pulled above the water by Masae, again. She got to me pretty quick!

"...Yo-you don't know how to swim, do you?" Masae is easily able to tell my ineptitude in the water.

I shake my head. "I'm a rock, yo."

...Looking away, Masae almost lets me go, but stops to put me in a standing position again. Ha-chan's still hanging onto me like a freakin' monkey, though…

Surprisingly, Masae manages it! I'm… just standing half-crouched in three feet of water, with Ha-chan wrapped around my back. All these clothes are super clunky- we're still both fully dressed- but it keeps me from freaking out too much about the contact!

I guess the buoyancy makes this possible. Ha-chan's still freakin'... she's not heavy exactly, being a fairy and all, but I'm not very strong!

Renko and Maribel walk out of the shack- oo~h…! Their skin is so _pale_ , yo! Yo~...

...Renko frowns at me. "It's impolite to stare."

I grin. "I was never really considered polite to begin with…!"

"Did-... did you really just drop all those bikinis in the water…?" Maribel notices the slowly spreading cloud of freakin' abandoned red bikinis. "Seriously?"

Eheh… I shrug innocently. "Where else was I supposed ta put 'em…?" Actually- better idea.

"Not in the pool?" Maribel grins back at me. "It's not rocket science."

Slipping my hand into my sack- a little hard 'cause Ha-chan is freakin'... a _monkey_ \- I start to pull…

Ahah!

Quickly, I begin to draw a coffee table from my bag! "Hn~h…" It's not an easy time on its own, though. Actually…

Putting the bag underwater, I freakin'... ho ho! The water helps!

Precariously, I slide the coffee table out of the sack- woah! It nearly nails me in the stomach as it floats to the surface!

"Behold!" I display my floating workstation!

With varied levels of veiled amusement, the girls start to progress into the water…

...Reaching forward, I grab onto the table. Since the water's only like three feet, I barely touch it 'cause of my hunched over posture. It should maybe help me not eat shit the next time someone tries to tip me over.

Also, I won't say it aloud, but the girls are lookin' freakin' _fine_ , yo. The sexual tension is rea~l…! Thank you world for allowing me to have this kimono that covers me well! It does its job especially well when the water makes it flow and stuff.

…

Maribel's idle gaze slowly becomes sardonic. "Are you just going to stare at us like a creep the whole time?"

" _No~._ " I shake my head, grinning. "...If you don't keep reminding me, probably."

Maribel snorts. "You're hopeless…"

How the hell am I going to collect all these bikini things!? Deep Blue is too short!

Hoping it does something, I twist the valve on Deep Blue-

Spri~tz! Aw, dude! Water for the water god!

Renko blinks at my plant hanger. "A _super soaker_ hanger...?"

"Yeah, yo!" I wave it around, water spraying into my face but whatever! "Yer gonna get _soaked!_ "

...After holding it idly for a few moments, I turn to Masae. She seems to have gotten closer, for some reason.

Turning to her with a warm smile, I slowly bring the spritzing hanger towards her, and hold it in her face.

...A delayed moment later, she starts slowly retreating, her ears folded back like an offended cat. Aww~h!

She holds her arm up-

A bubble generates over me, in the air. Uh oh.

 _Spla~sh!_ A moment later, it pops, raining water down onto me, and forcing me to shut my eyes. "Ho _ho~!_ "

...Once I open them again, it seems Masae is back to being neutral and quiet, except at a respectable distance from me. Apparently she's a freakin' water elemental kitty.

Maribel and Renko arrive at the table I placed in the water a moment later. It basically reaches their waist since the water's three feet deep…

"This has been the first moment we've really had to just mill about, isn't it?" Maribel laments.

"Aside from when we first got here, pretty much." Agreeing with that, Renko nods… "It's just been one thing to another."

I'm in a flux of wanting things to be relaxing and wanting to do a ton of crazy shit at once. I'm like a freakin' cat; I don't know whether or not I want in or out of Gensokyo's everyday events…!

…

Y'know, I'm starting to realize how much I internalize my banter. Hmm~...!

I still need to gather these freakin' bikinis…

Bringing Deep Blue under the water, I twist its valve back shut, and pocket it. Hmm~...

Ha-chan finally lets go of me, and lets herself sink into the water behind me. Ho ho!

I'm free!

Now that I'm free, I use my left leg to lift a single bikini part off the pool floor, and bring it up high enough for myself to lift…

"The collectathon begins." I comment on my plight as I put the bikini bra on the coffee table.

Also- after giving the girls a glance because _they're cute_ \- I noticed Renko still has her hat on. Merry's dish cloth is off, though...

Satori walks across the surface of the water, likely using floating magic to do so.

Renko stares at her dryly. "Cool trick."

Looking back and forth between us, Satori expresses dull surprise. "...Usually humans are impressed when I do this."

Aw. "Have you ever drowned a man?" I generate a question on impulse!

Satori snorts. "I can't say I have."

"What kinda..." Maribel almost pokes fun at my random question, but decides not to. "Anyway, do you need some help with these bikinis?"

I nod. "Yeah, yo."

...With that, Maribel dips beneath the water, curling up into a ball briefly, before she unfolds and swims forward. She moves her arms about to collect a few of the garments while she's down there, before quickly moving to surface again.

"Ha~h…" She takes a deep breath once she's above the water! "Wo~w. I'm realizing how warm it is down here, again…"

Then, she plops about five or so bikini parts onto the table.

I wade over to the table, and start working, yo. "It is time to create something good. Satori, is there anything I could use in the general vicinity?"

...After staring down at me for a moment, Satori replies. "I actually did stash a treasure chest in the hedge maze for those curious enough. There's nothing amazing inside, though; it's just a regular Mega Potion." Huh. "None of the bikinis have elemental properties, if you were wondering." Awwh! No water resistance!?

I might be interested in that Mega Potion at some point, but that can come later.

...Taking some of the thongs and bras, I start tying some strings into knots! A knot wa~s… like, loop de loop and pull and shit, right? Cross the thing, and that other thing, and you do- uh… oh.

Nevermind, that's not how you tie a knot. Actually...

Renko makes some idle conversation as she crouches down lower into the water… "Why's the underground so warm, anyway?"

Satori speaks out, yo! "Thermal shafts, hot air pockets, so forth. There's also an inactive mini volcano down here, somewhere, along with various fire pits… and a nuclear reactor."

I try again, crossing the two strings twice- making a loop. Then, I put the string through the loop, around the deviating string, and then back _through_ the loop…

Holy shit, I just made an actual knot purely from luck. Yea~h! Today, the gods of fortune smile upon me~!

It takes a few moments, but Renko catches something off about Satori's previous statements. "A nuclear reactor!?"

"I'm surprised they're common enough on the outside for you to almost shrug off the presence of one." Satori seems vaguely surprised by Renko's initial lack of surprise…

"What's a nuclear reactor doing down here?" Renko's not gonna let that go for awhile! "I mean… modern appliances, sure, but-"

"I've only a hand in its setup." Satori was indifferent about it. "It does supply electricity to the palace, though."

"...Huh." Renko nods thoughtfully… "Does the city down a ways from here use it, too?"

"Oni aren't big fans of electricity." Satori confirms that oni do not use electricity. "Mostly because, with their habits, it takes too long to set up for too little payoff."

By this point, I've tied all of the bras and thongs I've had together. "Yo, Marimarimaribel, I need more _underwear_."

Maribel turns away from Ha-chan, whom she seems to have been having a silent exchange with. "Whah?" Seems she didn't hear what I said much…!

"Boob and vagina holding devices." I pat my torso and my crotch.

"...I'm sorry?" Maribel looks at me like I'm dead in the head, dude, dead in the head.

I rephrase myself. "I need more panties and bras, yo."

"Ah." Looking back down into the water, Maribel readies to dive summore… "Hey, Hana? Do you wanna help me collect them?"

Ha-chan blinks. "Sure!" With that, she starts pulling up her uniform top…

Realizing what she was doing, Maribel throws her hands up. "Wa-wait, stop! I didn't mean _yours!_ "

…

Letting her top lower again, Ha-chan starts to reach towards Maribel. "Why not yours?"

"I-I'm wearing them!" Maribel does a mini-jump in the water, letting the water accent it a bit! "I mean the red ones floating around, not the ones anyone's wearing…"

"Oo~h." Ha-chan acknowledges this. "Okay!"

Bloop. She dips below the water swiftly. Maribel follows her in a moment later…

…

Splash! Ha-chan dips above the water with a small clump. "Here…"

"Thanks, yo." I watch her place 'em on the table…

Maribel dips out of the water a moment later, shaking to dry herself a little. That tiny jiggle…!

She places another clump on the table. Time to get to work!

Cracking my fingers, I get to work at tying more stuff together!

Masae steps up to the table, reminding me she exists. "Wh-what… are you making?" ...Hoh!

I don't know yet, actually, but rope things are always good things. "A _person strainer_ , dude."

...Masae clams up, looking down at the 'person strainer'. She's freakin' cuddly, dude.

After a few moments, I now have… a longer rope of thongs and bras! Now it's composed of like, fifteen to twenty, and like six feet long. Ho ho!

"I think I'll be getting out." Renko decides. "...I just wanted a dip, really, and there's not a lot to do once you're _in_ the pool."

"Sa~me." Maribel agrees with this.

Hoh. If we're gonna split, I'ma start packing up this coffee table… and this freakin' bikini rope I just made.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Masae stuck around the pool, for some reason. Water cats, yo…

We're now back in the main lobby, and I'm still wet! Cold resistance is fun though, yo…!

Ha-chan's also still wet, but the air's warm enough for her to not care at all.

Merry and Renko are back in their normal clothes, standing around fluffily.

Oh, yeah, we also stopped for that Mega Potion along the way. It wasn't even that well hidden. It was like… around a couple weird turns, but that was it.

Satori gives me a dry look… though that's her resting face most of the time anyway! "I didn't know you were a hedge maze expert. I'll plan accordingly, next time." Ho ho!

"Well…" Maribel speaks up! "...Admittedly, yeah, whatever he was thinking about your hedge maze was probably true."

"I will add, though…" I raise a finger. "That was a pretty snazzy looking chest." I tried to steal the chest, too, but it was stuck to the floor. It was also pretty big, so if someone didn't know it only held a freakin' Mega Potion they'd be thinking they found like ancient pirate doubloons or some shit.

"...Thanks." Satori doesn't look very thankful, yo…

Then, she reaches into her pocket. "I know the three of you are only departing tomorrow, but I suppose now would be the best time to give you these…"

She pulls out three pin things, and holds them up! "Mana prize badges."

I clap my hands together! "Oh boy, oh boy…!"

"Oh…" Renko blinks. "That's nice of you. Their name... means what I think it means, doesn't it."

"Mhm." Satori nods. "These badges will let you generate mana prizes when you impact enemies with physical attacks, which you may then pick up. You have priority over your enemies, for a while, but if you spend too long, they'll get them instead. It also increases your pickup range for mana prizes by a few feet."

Oo~h…! It'sa mana thing! Probably useful as fuck for me because my mana's super low to begin with.

Renko has a question, yo… "How does it generate the mana, though? Is it from our target's pool?"

"Indeed." Satori nods. "...Don't even think about trying to drain their mana by hitting them a lot, though. Mana prizes are typically a negligible amount of mana for anyone above a human. Therefore, if you're fighting anyone above human level, you're literally shaving off danmaku-tier mana."

"...Well, it's better than nothing." Renko starts to put her badge onto her uniform…

"Wo~w." Maribel smiles as she starts to equip hers. "I never would've thought to ask that."

"Mana has to come from _somewhere_." Renko argues. "I think. I'm a physics person, so I'd like to _think_ that magic at least _tries_ to obey the conservation of mass, if only begrudgingly and half-heartedly."

Aptly, the mana prize badges are in the shape of those transparent bubbles, except they're flat. They are transparent too, though, which makes them a rather neat souvenir, actually…!

I press mine to my kimono!

"I'm glad you like them." Satori seems to prefer not to emote…

Donning a playful expression, I march over to Satori…!

...She stares back as I raise my dukes!

The girls watch me vainly…

I throw a punch-

It hits Satori's shoulder rather uneventfully. She flinches a little, but doesn't seem to really mind.

Some bubbles exit her form, and bounce around on the floor around herself before coming to quick halts.

...I meander towards one-

It gravitates towards my form once I'm a couple steps away, and becomes one with me.

"Prizes." Satori enthusiastically advocates the pins.

All enemies are now mana pinatas, yo. It's like a third rate mana potion!

...I'm surprised we haven't stopped and wondered why Satori's being all buddy-buddy with us. She's probably just a cool cat like that, though. It's about time one of the big fortress owner people didn't want to kick my shit in…! That, and she doesn't give off the 'I'm gonna rip out your asshole' kinda vibe the other big boss people give me. Among other nice things she's done…

I just noticed Ha-chan didn't get a badge or pin. Probably for the best, considering how often she blows up.

"So~..." Merry stretches, yo. Aw. "Nn~h. A who~le day to waste. How much day is there, anyway?"

"I need a watch." Renko needs a watch, apparently. "Then again, becoming stranded in a massive underground biome is a new experience for me."

"It's one in the afternoon." Satori informs us. Hoh, shit. Later than I thought it'd be… though that might be 'cause we were up later last night than normal.

…

Does Satori know what _nukes_ are, my boy!?

Looking over at me, she furrows her brows. "Where'd _that_ come from?"

Nuclear fission, that's where…! Also, nukes exist, and countries have them. Can Satori gleam all the miscellaneous details through my mental summary, though…?

Satori shakes her head. "I'd rather not, at the rate things are going. It's not the first time I've heard that the outside is less than an ideal place to live, though."

Since Maribel and Renko are looking lost, I raise a finger and speak! "Every big country has hundreds to thousands of nuclear missiles!"

"Oh, tha~t." Maribel waves off the discussion as _mundane_. "Yeah. War's gotten pretty crazy, hasn't it?"

"I miss the older wars." Renko's a war mongerer, yo. "...Not that I like war or anything, but the old wars at least had a sense of purpose and action. Nowadays nothing like that really happens; it's all about snipers and terrorism and bombs..."

Satori seems to have this look of like, worldly revelation. "What _happened_ in the past thousand years?"

Everything, and also nothing. Nothing was never anywhere, but it was also everywhere. Actually- that's more like the beginning of time…

...Now Satori's dry again. Hohoh!

"Oh, you know…" Maribel half-smiles. "People being people."

That remi~nds me…!

I look over at Renko! "Yo~...!"

...Renko blinks at me. "Hi?"

"You know what _math equations_ do, son?" I'm already grinning before the payoff…!

...After a moment, Renko replies. "So~lve…?" Good guess, but wrong answer!

"They kill each other!" Ooh! "Aah!"

...Renko doesn't look like she knew what to expect from that joke. "Sure."

…

We've just been standing in this lobby and talking for awhile. I mean, what else're we gonna do? Platform through the temple?

That reminds me… I turn to Satori. "Do you have any sandy fluffs?"

"...Yes." After a moment's hesitation, Satori confirms. "There are some fluffles here or there. I try to keep their numbers low, but they keep spawning in the stonework from time to time." Hoh.

Oh, speaking of…! "We should check out that fluffle stand outside!" I try to rile my party up to visit the fluffle arms dealer!

"The what?" Renko doesn't seem to know what nugget people are. Oh, boy…!

"Oh, boy…" Maribel starts walking towards the door before even I do. "I saw it on the way in, but didn't wanna say anything at the time." But… it was small, and soft…

Satori drifts after her. "Those beings are curiously devoid of thought, despite their actions. Their magical signatures are also curiously well hidden, as well as insignificant."

After some moments of moving, the four of us- where the hell did Ha-chan go? Anyway- the four of us proceed outside to the nugget stand…

"im a mother and a child" It's a sandy _nugget_.

"I doubt that greatly." Satori rebukes its claim.

...Giving Satori a glance, I gesture to the tiny friend. "What's it sell you, yo?"

"Contact lenses." Satori replies aptly. "...They seem to primarily modify how I copy abilities and what I can gauge from foes. Certain lenses disable my mind reading but grant me different abilities, such as the ability to mirror various stats of my opponent's. Not very worth it, in my opinion…"

If you had something that mirrors your health, you'd be unkillable. It'd probably have _stupid_ drawbacks, though...

I place my hands on the little desk the fluffle has here. "Show me some _gea~rs!_ "

...Softly, the fluffle spreads a fin out, silently splaying some plant hangers across the table.

We've got our usual offenders, namely that horseman hanger thing and that rainbow one I'll never buy in a zillion billion years. But, we've also got some new ones…?

They've got kinda flowery color schemes. There's three new ones, and they all look like basic variants of plant hanger. I don't think they're elemental?

There's this tooty fruity looking cyan and yellow one, with what looks like ornate, rose-like folds in the midst of it. Otherwise, it looks like a basic albeit painted Scarlet Devil Mansion hanger.

I point to it. "What's that, yo, what's that?"

The fluffle looks down at it, before looking up at me. "Fragile Flower! it provides one hundred percent resistance to magical binding and syphoning. allows the user to cast Cleanse, which removes most status effects! when equipped, decreases user's defense and attack drastically. doubles the effect of healing items! doubles the effect of healing spells!"

Fragile Flower. Drastically reduces strength and defense. Yeah, cool weapon.

The next hanger's really freakin' weird looking. It's got a long handle, but not as long as Hard Winter by far. The handle's this cheap looking green color, but the top has this huge, pink metal chunk that faces forward, and the actual hanger lookin' part is just some yellow curves and such on the back of the metal chunk.

I point at it. "What is this alien technology?"

"Faithless Digitalis!" The fluffle claims. The fuck's that supposed to mean? "increases defense when health is low! increases knockback resistance threefold. when at full health, the user only takes one third the damage they normally would. triples user's strength! user is unable to use magic. combo length decreased by ninety-nine. provides one hundred percent resistance to magical binding!"

...That's some shonky business, right there! Basically a freakin' berserker hanger. Unable to use magic is kinda scary, though. Not that I have a lot…! Also, combo length decreased by _ninety-nine_. What, would I hit my opponent negative ninety-eight times!?

The final hanger looks like it's entirely made of brass, and is mostly just a handle and one long, almost blade-like extension that ends in a huge ass, dull axe shape.

I point at it! "What hot mess is this gonna be…?"

"Solemn Magnolia!" Why do these all have freakin'... flowery names!? "provides one hundred percent resistance to magical binding and syphoning." Also, why do these all have binding resistance? I've never even been magically bound yet! No one asked for that…! "increases combo length by three! increases combo by one for every party member! provides a balanced boost in strength and magic. deflects small projectiles when blocking! may bind targets on impact. increases the power of non-elemental magic!"

Hoh. That one doesn't sound too bad… "How much's it cost, yo?"

The fluffle smiles. "six Scarlet Tokens, and eight Affection Points."

...We playin' a fuckin' game here? Are we _playing_ the same _game_ here!? Affection Points!? Scarlet Tokens!? Who _are_ you!?

...Taking a deep breath, I shake my head. "Alright, yo…"

...I glance over at Maribel and Renko, and they seem intrigued!

Prepared for disappointment, I point at Faithless Digitalis. "How much does _that_ cost?"

"fifty-five thousand yen and two Scarlet Tokens!" The fluffle smiles at me. Again with that Scarlet Token shit…

Numbly, I point at Fragile Flower. "Yo."

"five thousand yen" The fluffle requests.

Yeah, it would be. I dunno, Cleanse could be useful, but being marked for death every time I equip it feels like some shit. Feels bad, man…!

Ah, whatever, I got the money. "Sure." Shelling out the five grand in yen, I plop it on the counter before the fluffle.

It claps its fins together, shoveling the money away. I claim my new hanger-

Oo~h, shit. Man, I can _feel_ myself getting weaker when I pick this up. That's _bad_.

...The hanger itself feels a little heavy now! Sweet Jesus!

Maribel stares at me. "I'm not sure that was an informed purchase…"

Freakin'... I hold my hanger out towards her. "Grab it, yo."

...Hesitantly, Maribel reaches out and takes the hanger from my hand.

...Once she has it, she stumbles back a little. "Oh-oh, wow, this is…"

Seemingly clamming up, she holds it back out for me to take. "Ta-take it back. It's making me feel weird…"

Dazza curious reaction. I take the hanger back- "Freakin'..." -and immediately pocket it, because screw that!

"How to lose five thousand yen in two minutes." Renko idly comments on my plight.

You know what, yo? I look over at Maribel. "Friend, I want you to use that fluffle to three-D print a brain."

Satori snorts in the background. "...I don't recall printers working like that." Aw, she musta picked up on my mental image. Well, yo, I _did_ recall them workin' like that! You can make _guns_ from Play-Doh now, dude!

...She can probably tell what was a lie and what wasn't!

Maribel's just staring at me with a jaded expression…

I walk over to the fluffle, and lift it. "Give it the bad touch, yo."

Maribel still looks unsure…!

"Mindfuck it." Aa _aa~h…!_

It seems to click! "Oh- oh, you mean- oh. Well..." Reluctantly, Maribel takes the fluffle from my hands, and holds it in hers…

"Border manipulation…?" Satori is intrigued! "How am I just now learning about this?"

Maribel looks over at Satori in surprise for a moment, before relaxing. "Yeah." She focuses on the nugget person again…

...Satori is _still_ surprised. Like, uncharacteristically surprised. Is the Yukari resemblance really that uncanny?

She looks over at me, then at Renko, then at me again, seeming perturbed for some reason.

…

Maribel presses her hand to the fluffle's face.

"',.;,;.',;.',;.',.';" Oh, cool. Freakin'... nugget noises, dude.

"Ow~." Satori doesn't seem to enjoy that.

"Sorry…" Maribel takes notice, giving the mind reader an apologetic glance.

...A moment later, she takes her hand off the fluffle's face. "I changed a big thing to see what would happen." We're informed of something that we don't really know the mechanics of!

...We wait for a few moments. The fluffle ragdolls, limp and unresponsive in Maribel's arms.

"Aw." Maribel gives it a sad stare.

Then, it speaks! "im different" It folds its limbs behind its back, becoming a loaf. It also stops squirming around, and becomes idle.

…

I lean forward, and give it a sniff.

"wa-wal-algh-ahuh" The fluffle makes super cuddly noises. "honh honh"

"I guess it's different, now." Maribel watches it curiously…

Folding her arms, Satori reveals a discovery! "I can read its thoughts, now."

Oo~h!? Fluffles _think!?_

"...Well." Unfolding her arms, Satori makes air quotes. "'Thoughts'".

Oh. Nugget noises in stereo, then…

…

Hugging the fluffle, Maribel starts meandering away from the stand. We freakin' broke the stand, son. Although, once we all look away, I'm sure another fluffle will instantly freakin' materialize to fill the void.

"Are we just going to abduct it…?" Renko is confused, son. "What did you do to it, Merry?"

Freezing, Maribel turns to Renko as we all begin skedaddling back into the temple. "...Well, hmm. You see, fluffles… aren't really people."

...Renko blinks, unsure of how to interpret that.

This got very inopportune for Maribel really quickly.

...What, Satori ain't gonna save the day!? Who the frik lets me save the day!?

"Fluffles…!" I raise a finger as we pass through the big door into the palace! "...Fluffles are like nuggets. They're soft, they're thuddable, and they're bakeable."

No one's happy with these statements, but no one's opposed, either. Now's my chance, yo…!

Looking at Renko in particular, I speak. "...Fluffles are like fairies."

Renko's eyes raise in realization. "Oo~h. Pfft…" Grinning, she looks over at Maribel. "You had me thinking you just had a thing against fluffles, Merry. For all the effort you put into articulating yourself, you still drop the ball sometimes."

Maribel semi-awkwardly laughs it off. "Eheheh, yeah… well- nnh." She wanted to say something but went back on it. Man, that's like, a _me_ moment right there. Provided, I've been pretty good at committing to my decisions since arriving in Gensokyo, be they good or bad decisions!

"You are a bunch of awkward teenagers." Satori breaks the ice before it even settles. Wham, yo..!

"I know." Maribel hugs the fluffle closer.

"Wahohoho…!" My mannerisms are either really bold or really stupid! Or both!

Inside the palace, Ha-chan's met up with some kitten people…!

One's Ashes, one's a freakin' short little blonde kitty, and the last one's a freakin' harpy. It's about time one of these showed up!

"I'm the best super star!" Ha-chan jabs a thumb into her chest! "I've got fairy power!"

Ashes scoffs at her. "Na~h, girl. A super star's gotta be _strong,_ yeah?"

The short blonde kitten girl speaks up. "They've got to be kind…!"

The brown-haired harpy flaps her wings. "They've gotta have _wings!_ "

"I have wings!" Ha-chan floats into the air and spins around, showing off her wings.

"Not for long…!" Ashes starts cracking her knuckles!

...Satori walks ahead of us and into the crowd of pets and Ha-chan to diplomatize.

The pets all instantly turn to her. Ashes moves towards her first! "Hey, Satori-sama~! Which one of us do you think is the strongest?"

...Satori raises a brow. "Does it matter?"

"Hell yeah!" Quickly, Ashe grabs onto Ha-chan by the shoulder, and pulls her closer to herself. "We've got this fairy in here talkin' crap about us!"

...The smaller cat girl spoke up. "Well- you, uhm, kind of started it."

"...Did we _ask you_ , Ellen?" Ashes lets go of Ha-chan, leering down at the smaller cat girl.

"No..." Ellen looks down for a moment… but then she looks back up with a glare! "But maybe you should've!"

"Oh, yeah?" Smirking at her, Ashes gets in her face. "Kindness, huh? What's kindness gonna do to me, huh? You gonna bake me a cake, huh?"

"Ye-yeah, huh!" Ellen's claws come out! "I~'m not scared of yo~u…!"

Promptly, Ashes does that cat thing where they just like, do a tiny leap into the air onto a rival cat. Bowling Ellen over, the two get into a literal cat fight on the floor…!

" _Rr-rer-rr~...!_ " Ellen makes angry kitty noises!

The two cats slap their arms at each other about as fast as you'd expect from a cat, but it's ten times as surreal 'cause they're humanoid. It's like watching a freakin'... small scale anime-ass fist fight!

Maybe I'm in an anime setting, yo. Who'da thunk that…?

...Letting the cat girls duke it out, Satori looks over at her pet harpy.

The harpy grins back at her smugly.

"Oh…!" Ha-chan notices me! "Hello, Brad-kun!"

"Hello, friend…" I strut up to her. "Causin' trouble, yo?"

"Mhm!" Guilt by admission, yo! "The kitties in here are really fun!"

Kitten company, dude...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

So, yeah, that was pretty much the entire day! Just freakin'... milling about.

It's now night, but none of us are really all that tired 'cause we woke up late. Technically night, anyway. Four of five clocks say so, yo. Not that it matters, since the underground's forecast is 'five hundred feet of rock and air' for the next quadrillion years until the sun explodes or the island of Japan sinks into the Pacific.

We are once again in that lobby from earlier. Ashes and Ellen are here, too, and they've made up their differences! Ha-chan and that harpy girl went somewhere but I dunno where...

Despite both the cat girls coming out of their fight looking like they fucking skinned each other, their skin is pristine now, even if the majority of their clothes have been eviscerated.

Ellen drank from her mug of milk slowly….

"Nn~h…" Stretching, Ashes looked over at us. "...So, how're you kids liking it? The palace."

"It's pretty big, but really pretty." Maribel does a good job at conveying our overall feelings towards the place!

"Heh. If you wanna see big, you should check the catacombs under this place!" Ashes brags about the palace's size! "You could get lost for _days_ down there."

"Which is why I would recommend against it." Satori strongly advises us not to get lost for days at a time. "Perhaps if you come back well prepared, but for now I see no reason to do you harm by letting you go there." Aw, backtracking incentive, dude.

"...That almost sounds like a challenge." Aw, see? Renko knows what's up, yo.

...Satori smirks. "Maybe it is."

…

I turn to Maribel. "Yo. Have ya ever plowed a pillow before?"

"Why would you just _ask_ me that." Maribel monotones at me with a dry expression…! "What thought process leads you to these questions." Wohehehe…!

"He likes to hear your reactions." Satori exposes _me_ in particular! Aa~h!

"I don't think that took a mind reading to figure out." Maribel retorts. Ho ho~. "You know what, Brad? Have _you_ ever plowed a pillow, before?"

...I nod. "Yeah, yo." No one in Gensokyo knows… of the pillow mechanization! It is pillow perversion to the 'nth degree! Like, all you guys out there with lube are living in two thousand fifteen… and I'm living in _three thousand fifteen!_ "Every week, yo, every week. I've developed techniques! Strategies! I _invented_ pillow-related mastur-"

" _I'm_ … not _sure_ if that's something to be proud of." Satori gives me a distilled grin. Oh- I guess she knows about the pillow mania now, too. O~h ho ho shit…!

"Remind me not to parrot your own questions back at you ever again." Maribel has an expression not too different from Satori's. Oo~h, don't give me that, fluffy hat. You're only twenty something, I know you've probably been just as bad as me!

...I glance over at Satori, only for her to give me a brief nod. Yo~!

"But 'cha haven't had _sex_ , have ya?" Ashes inserts herself into everything!

I look over at her, and begin smugly... "As a matter of fa~ct… no, no I haven't." Honh.

...Ashes blinks. "Bothers ya, doesn't it?"

I shake my head. "No~pe. It'll happens when it happens, yo." Besides, back at home, I was a _fiend_ at finding ways to entertain myself. Hell, if I ever needed to settle down in Gensokyo, I'd literally be happy with just a food and water supply, a bed and some pillows, and a computer. That's all I need to bunker down for a good few years.

...Hell, maybe minus the bed! Sleep on the pillows and fuck 'em, too!

Ashes furrows her brows. "Why not?"

"Maybe he's saving himself for a girl…" Ellen theorizes in my defense.

"La~me." With that, Ashes sinks back into the couch she's on… "I mean, _I'm_ not one for sleeping around either, but…"

You may never know the tools I have at my disposal…! Unfortunately, you will have to not be informed, because actually justifying my stance would take a freakin' monolithic effort.

"He's not really wrong, though." _Maribel_ defends my point? "I-... don't think so, anyway." Is she defending my actual point, or the one Ellen brought up? Oh, god, I'm losing track of the conversation that's supposed to be about myself! Aaa~h!

Sensing that things were getting freakin' derailed into oblivion, Satori changes the topic entirely. "You three are all outsiders, correct?"

...We all give idle nods. I'm pretty sure you already knew this.

"I assume the youkai presence on the outside is still non-existent?" ...Good enough throwaway topic!

Maribel nods. "Yeah, pretty much…"

Ho ho. I know just the people, yo…! "Do angry politicians and news reporters count?"

At that, Renko snorts. "I don't think so…"

"...I see." Satori leans back into the couch she's on… "I had figured as much. Especially with how technology seems to have progressed."

...Honestly, with all the hysteria and stupidity in the world, you'd think it'd still be prime for youkai. I guess they need a like, medieval level of stupidity and hysteria to thrive, which is kinda detrimental when I think about it…

"Do you want me to find you three an actual room?" Satori proposes. "The other night I shelved you all into occupied rooms, as I hadn't prepared the guest rooms yet. I hope you didn't mind."

There was a big lazy cat in my room.

"It was fine." Maribel is indifferent. "We didn't really notice anyone there…"

"Probably because the occupants were out and about." Satori considered. "In any case…"

A pink light generates at the edge of the furnished clearing!

"That will take all three of you to the guest room." Satori states the little light orb's life goal, yo. "I've made sure to clean it up. It has western style beds, as well."

"Thank goodness…" Maribel shares my thoughts there! "The cat beds were kinda bad, to be honest."

Satori grins at us. "Likely because you are not cats." ...Point!

...Getting up, the three of us meander after the pink orb as it floats out of the room. Ho ho ho~.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Ha~llways! Lo~ngways!

"Stree~t lights!" I clap my hands!

"Peo~ple!" Maribel claps her hands!

"Growin' up in a loohoohoo~ny woho~rld!" Yea~h! Clap clap clap!

We're walking down the hallway to the guest room still!

"You guys…" Renko is being slowly immolated by our collective terrible singing.

"Bu~sses!" I don't think this was part of the song, but I want this energy to keep goin', yo!

"Tra~in cars!" ...Yeah, you _would_ ad lib that in.

...Ah, shit, what do do? "Fa~lling down bottomless pi~ts…?"

Maribel deflates. "You _dropped it_." Oof…

Thankfully, these hallways are lit and stuff, so no getting blown the fuck up under the cover of shade or anything.

I have no idea if we're gonna be sharing a room or not. I should set up London as a sentry, again. Theoretically, London lets me freakin' set up shop anywhere. She's about on part with a level one sentry, I'd say!

The pink orb stops, and floats into a door to our right.

"Looks like we're here…" Renko moves for the door at the same time Maribel does. Getting there first, she swings the door open…

The room's already illuminated, light only coming from the right side of the room, for some reason.

We all progress in, and look around. There're four beds, and in the right corner there's a lamp. In the left corner- what the fuck is that.

"What…" Maribel starts to back towards the right of the room. "What _is that?_ "

Light vaguely pours out from under the form of, uh… it looks like a _really big_ , generic moth. It has brown wings with a generic pattern, two deep brown dots on the lower parts…

It seems to currently be trying to become one with the room's only other lamp. There's dust on the floor under it, too…!

Looking over at Maribel, I smile. "What if a moth was… really big?"

"Apparently!" Plopping her suitcase on a nearby bed, she begins to open it up. "Can we fight it?"

"It's just a moth, Merry…" Renko looks unsure. "I think."

Moving over to the moth, I keep a hand in my bag just in case it fucks me or eats me or something equally awkward.

"Yo." I raise my voice, approaching it. "...Yo~."

It doesn't react, 'cause it's a moth.

…

Going around the side of the lamp, I take a look- ooh!

It is not only a moth, it's also a girl! A moth girl! She's got a lot of brown fuzz that runs up her legs like stockings or cloth legging things, except it stops around her thighs. She's got really long brown hair that somewhat blends in with her wings if you don't realize that it's hair…

She seems to have knocked the shade off of the lamp, hugging the light bulb into her bosom. Her arms have a similar situation goin' on to her legs, and her torso seems to have lots of fluffy dust built up on it…

She doesn't have any clothes- I don't think- but the dust and fluffy stuff makes up for it.

I expected bug eyes, but she's got normal, albeit yellow eyes. She looks _really_ satisfied, for some reason…

In terms of height, I'd also say she was like freakin'... six feet tall. That's a big ass moth!

"honh honh honh" ...There are _fluffles_ under her _wings_. Some of them start to shift, climbing up her side and the wings' backsides…

Curiously, I reach out and touch the back of the moth's wing. It's soft, and fuzzy. I poke her summore-

She flaps her wings a few times! They flap as fast as you'd expect, too!

"Waaa~l!" Some fluffles are flung by how fast her wings flap.

 _Fwoof!_ Dust billows out from her form, making me realize just how much the room actually has. The floor's not as covered as the floor currently beneath her, but it's freakin'... she's been places!

"Ah- achoo!" I sneeze. Holy dust, batman… "Achoo!" S'not as- "Achoo~! Ngh…" -as fairy dust, but it's still pretty annoying…!

...That dust fell from all _over_ her, too. I'm willing to bet that fluffy stuff covering parts of her boobs're the same dust.

"Nh- anh- nnh…" The moth girl makes womanly noises for some reason, looking around erratically and jankily.

Maribel's sitting on the rightmost bed. "What's goin o~n over there…?"

I grin. "It- it's a moth _girl_ , yo! A moth _girl!_ "

"Really?" Maribel blinks. "They have a monster girl for everything, don't they?"

"Seems like it, yo…" I eye the moth girl curiously. "If we leave this lamp on, she probably won't do anything."

...Man, moths becoming super sexy-looking moth girls adds a whole new level of morality to dealin' with them.

"Nn-nn~..." The moth girl lets out some kind of coo as she goes back to looking down at the lamp. She's got the bulb between her breasts…

...Looking along the wall, I see where it's plugged into an outlet. Hoo~hehehe…!

Crouching down, I unplug the light.

It goes out.

...At first, the moth girl seems at a loss, looking up from the bulb. "Hn- nnh, nn…" Her face doesn't change too much from its previous, smug expression though.

…

After a moment, she lets go of the lamp, and steps back. She can walk, apparently!

Turning around, she holds her arms up as he fixates her gaze on the next active lamp. She's got a very cautious, pronounced stride, but the illusion of it being deliberate is broken when she starts doing weird roundabout turns. Basically, she's beelining towards the next lamp and trying to look natural about it… while managing to look very unnatural about it.

Renko and Maribel get onto their beds and watch her. As she moves, she ends up bumping into the leftmost bed and falling onto it, before promptly crawling over it nimbly to get to the other side.

Sensing the bed's top was going to end, she did a wing-accented leap onto the floor before it, likely flapping her wings freakin' innumerably many times before landing. I say innumerably many flaps, but the whole exchange only took a second. That's how fast them wings are!

...She's also left a layer of dust on the bed through her actions. Freakin'...

After moving away from the bed on all fours, she nimbly gets onto her legs without even flapping her wings, and walks towards the still-lit lamp again…

Renko stares at it curiously as it steps by her bed…

When the moth girl walks, it reminds me of a video game character. It's like she's on an animation loop when she attempts to walk naturally.

Eventually, she ends up walking into the back wall-

Thud.

-and attempts to continue into it for a moment, before reversing and moving right again…

Maribel holds up her suitcase… "Stay ba~ck…"

...The moth girl continues into her bed, and flops onto it.

"No~!" Maribel raises the suitcase offensively!

Whack! She hits the moth girl with it!

The moth girl collapses onto the bed for a moment, before rising into the air and darting directly towards the light.

She ends up flying past it, whacking it with her wing-

The lamp shade flies off, and it tips over-

 _Crack!_ ...The bulb shatters.

Now, the room is dark. Uh oh.

"Aaa~h…!" Maribel lets out a restrained wail.

"Geez…" Sighing, Renko starts to get comfy in her bed despite there being no light except for what's coming from the cracks under the door. "...I can't _see_."

"Nn-nnh…" The moth girl exists in the background, somewhere.

Thu-thu- _thud!_ It sounds like she's bashing herself against stuff.

"Ma~n…" I strut into the darkness casually. "Moths are cuddly, dude."

"I-I _guess_ …" Maribel doesn't seem to like moths. "I'm fine with _normal ones_ , but…"

 _Bam!_ Wahaha!

I pull Youkai Inconveniencer from my bag, and hold it up…

"Let there be light!" I declare! And then there was light. Y'see, yo? That's how it happens, _son_.

...The moth girl's currently on the _ceiling_ , over Renko's bed.

Renko sees this, and jumps momentarily. "O-oh…! Really, now?"

Quickly, the moth girl's head darts around, looking at my hanger, then at the surface the light is being projected onto…

Oh, yeah. Fluffles are being silently scattered across the room by her movements. Apparently fluffles like to just spawn from the dust she makes.

Carefully, I continue towards my bed, shining the light onto the moth's face so that she hopefully doesn't leap onto me or something. Despite looking like an ultra sexy woman, I have a feeling she doesn't know _any_ intimacy. She'd just flop onto me and get me all dusty…

…

I flop onto my bed.

The moth girl immediately leaves the ceiling, flying down into the floor and averting Renko's bed as she does so-

 _Bam!_ She smashes her face into the floor, before bringing it back up like nothing happened. Sitting up, I try to keep my light on her-

Darting up, she uses her wings to carry her onto the ceiling above my bed. Woah no…!

If I don't feed this hanger with tiny mana, it'll run outta light eventually, and she'll just fly around haphazardly. Actually, how strong is she? Maybe I can do the human thing and temporarily contain her for the evening…!

In order to find out, I need her to interact with stuff! Shining my light in her face, I await the pain train…

Thump. She darts off the ceiling, and lands on the back wall behind the head of my bed. Oh, boy…

"I'm takin' one for the team, yo!" I warn my friends! "Remember me for my courage!"

Maribel just watches the scene with bated breath. Ho ho…!

Renko looks marginally more droll about the situation, if curious.

...Getting down onto my bed all discreet like, I flash the moth girl with my hanger again.

Then-

Oof! The bed bounces violently as she flops onto it. She's facing the wrong way, so- aah, I've got a view of sorts…! It's mostly dust, though.

"Ah-achoo!" I sneeze!

"Nnn…" The moth girl looks in an arbitrary direction. Freaki~n'...

My hanger's in my left hand right now, so the light's hidden to her unless she turns around.

So she does! She rotates to the left, moving- what the frik- moving her left leg over my face as she begins rotating herself…

"Ahchoo~!" That leg fur's not doing anyone any favors…!

...She stops once her torso is basically perpendicular to mine, 'cause my hanger's in my left hand. Considering she didn't crush my guts out by slamming onto me, she's not _that_ strong. Her wings might be, though, but she doesn't use 'em all the time...

Also- she smells like _bug_. That's not a very good smell, let me tell you!

"Achoo~..." Aaah, aaa~h!

I take my hanger, and like, move it up to my head. Can I channel through parts of my body that _aren't_ my hands?

...Propping the hanger against my shoulder and the pillow, I am in fact able to make it stay lit through my shoulder. Huh…

Adjusting herself, the moth girl slowly turns around on top of me...

Then-

Woosh. She leaps off of my form, landing on one of the upper walls again.

Oh, boy. "Ah-aachoo~! Je-Jesus…"

Th-thud. Fluffles softly thud onto the bed next to me, and I move to brush them off with my arm. "help stop no"

Freakin'-

Oof! That moth freakin' landed on me aga~in…!

Except this time, we have the same orientation!

...She's looking straight down at the hanger, which almost looks like she's looking straight down at me-

Jeez…!

The bed bounces as she freakin' smashes her face into the hanger, the rest of her body relaxing despite the awkward posture that would hurt her if she was an actual girl and not a freakin' moth.

Whelp. I am now trapped… trapped, and vaguely turned on by the fact this curvy moth just flopped onto me. Now to find out if I can keep her trapped here…!

I reach my arms around her, and let the hanger go out. There's no way I can keep it active through sleep, so…

Hugging myself against her, I hold on tightly in case that's what I need to do…

Why the frik is her chest so big? She's a mo~th…!

…

I have no idea if this is working since she's not doing anything.

…

"Are you dead?" Renko calls out to me.

"Ah-achoo!" Yes, yes I am.

Then-

 _Holy shit!_ I'm not on the bed anymore-!

 _Bam!_ Th-thud, thud! Ou~ch…!

…

I let my legs fall down. Apparently I was thrown upside down and onto the floor next to the bed. So much for grappling her…

Thud. Now I'm on my back.

 _Bam!_ The moth girl's hitting herself into stuff again.

"Y'know what, yo…?" Once I've collected myself again, I begin to get back up! "Y'freakin' know _what?_ This means wa~r, yo~!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Thu-thud. Thu-thu-thud!

I have… trapped the moth girl. Under two beds. It took a couple tries, but her limbs are now awkwardly caught between the bed legs, and no matter how hard she thrusts herself, both beds combined are too heavy. The one holding her body proper has both Maribel and Renko on it, and I'm sitting on the other one.

Thu-thu-thud! "Nngh-..." The moth girl struggles, her wings loudly flapping against the bottom of the shared bed as she violently thrusts herself around.

"You know…" Renko speaks up! "Maybe we should've just baited her out of the room."

...What, and ruin the plot?

…

"That's actually probably what we should've done to begin with." I admit.

"Aa~h…" Maribel flops back onto her bed, spent. "I'm done. G'night…"

"Me~rry…" Renko looks over at her idly.

Getting off of my bed, I light up Youkai Inconveniencer again, and crouch before the moth girl…

She stops thrashing, fixated on the light.

You know, if she wants it to be so close to herself…

I shove Youkai Inconveniencer into her face.

Thud. She immediately goes limp, relaxing everything again.

...Wow. That would've made this a lot easier. Now, how in the nine fucks am I going to get her out of this freakin' bed contraption I locked her in?

I look up. "...Can you girls switch beds? Again?"

"Noo~." Merry declines. "I sleep."

Son.

"Fi~ne…" Getting up, Renko moves to the undisturbed bed from earlier. "I'm not helping you kick her out, though.

I don't think you'll need to, yo…

With Renko out of the bed, I should be able to do some shit to it. Maybe.

Slipping my hand into my bag to harvest Hard Winter's self-buff effect, I activate it and look to see what I can do…

For now, I'll have to turn off my flashlight hanger. Oh no.

Propping my arms under the bed, I try to lift i~t…!

...Da~h. I make it shift, and maybe lift slightly, but I'm still too weak to actually do anything meaningful.

"Yo~u…" Drowsily, Maribel tosses herself out of the bed, and props her own arms under it-

Hoh! We raise it together easily, and I-

 _Bam!_ The moth girl flings herself upward, and fucking _launches_ the bed out of our hands-

Ba-bam. The bed lands on its side next to us, the mattress flopping off of it.

" _Wha~t!?_ " Maribel is in disbelief! "Ah- achoo~! Aaa~h!" And now she's frustrated!

"Aaa~h!" I yell too, because yelling!

As of right now the hallway door's open to allow us some light, but that's not gonna be enough, yo.

With Youkai Inconveniencer raised, I light it up again. The moth girl is now on the wall next to the door out…

She's frozen 'cause ambient light, yo.

Marching up to her, I put the hanger in her face again-

Thud. She drops from the wall, landing on her back.

Before she can freak out, I press the hanger to her face again, and crouch down. Slipping an arm under her legs, and one precariously under her back but before her wings, I begin to lift her...

Ma~n. For a moth, she's fucking hot.

...She starts to come back now that I don't have my hanger in her face!

Running, I jog outside of the room, and drop the moth-

She starts flying off into the hallway!

Bam- bam! She hits things-

Crack! -and knocks over a vase!

"Be free~!" I have unleashed her onto the palace! "You and your people have been _liberated!_ "

I watch her clumsily roar down the hallway… and then I turn around and head back into the room.

Click. I shut the door behind myself...

Maribel's already out on the bed I thought would be mine, and Renko's getting closer to snoozin'...

I think… I'm done, too, yo…

Moving towards the ransacked bed that the mouth launched, I punt the mattress off the frame-

Fwoof. It lands on the floor, fit for just falling onto.

So that's what I do. Wahaha~... bed.

…

It's gonna take me some time to actually get konked. Freakin'...

Knock knock. Who the hell's at the door…?

Sighing, I start to get up…

Knock knock. Hnn~gh…

Renko and Maribel don't react to it, either. They're probably zonked.

Walking up to the door, I swing it open…

It's Masae, and she's not in a bikini! "He-hey." She notices it's me, and looks away. "Satori-sama told me ta bring ya some, uh, moth repellant."

Motherfuck. "...Gee~." I huff…! " _Thanks,_ kitty." Reaching out, I accept the blue can of moth repellant.

...The can's featureless. Cool moth repellant.

"It's cool." Turning away, Masae waves at me. "See ya."

...She speaks more informally than I expected.

With that, Masae's gone. I shut the door, shove the moth repellant into my sack, and progress towards the bed…

Oof. Flopping down into it, I sigh again. Today's been a freakin' day, yo… got cuddled, went to the pool and played with some underwear-

Knock knock.

Son of a _bitch…!_ What're the odds!?

"Mnn~gh…" Even _Maribel_ doesn't like this, yo, and I'm almost certain she's asleep!

Knock knock.

Getting up, I hold up an arm, even if the person on the other side can't see. "Ho-hold on, I'm coming…!"

Knock knock. Cheeky fucking…

Stomping towards the door, I swing it open-

Ooh. "Hello, Brad-kun!" We were up late enough for Ha-chan to catch me before I snoozed!

Moving out of the way, I invite her in. "Oh, hello, friend. C'mon in."

Ha-chan walks inside, and looks around. "...Everyone's asleep!"

"Yeah." I cringe at her volume. "...So ya better keep it _down_."

"Oh!" She covers her mouth, before speaking in yell-whisper. "Everyone's asleep!"

Good, I'm glad we cleared that up…

Closing the door behind Ha-chan, I sloppily drop back down onto the mattress with a quick motion.

"Oof…" I let myself sigh again, 'cause screw getting up and lying back down repeatedly. "C'mere, Ha-chan. Let's cuddle together."

...Blinking at my openness to the idea, Ha-chan promptly perks up! "Sure!"

...For some reason, she stands over me before she begins to drop down-

Knock knock knock. Oh, come the _fuck_ o~n!

Oof! Ha-chan plopped onto my chest, sitting there.

I hold up a hand. "Ho-hold on, Ha-chan, before you-"

She starts to spread out onto my form. "Nn~h…" She does a little stretch…!

Knock knock knock. This motha _fucka_ …

"I-I gotta get the door…" I inform my fairy friend. "Keep the… mattress warm for me, yo." No blankets, no bed frame, no sheets!

"Oka~y…" Pouting, Ha-chan rolls herself off my form so I can get up.

...Rising again, I glare at the door as I near it. I'm totally complaining to Satori about this shit. Why's everyone want _this_ room…?

Although, I guess most of these occurrences weren't her fault. I'm just tired and bitchy…

Knock knock knock. Cool your _ass_ …!

Opening the door, I swing it open violently. "What in the hell do you-"

It's Matt. It's _Matt!?_

"Wha~t the fuck du~de!?" Whaa~ my god, du~de! "Whaa~h- where the-...!?"

"What are you _yelling_ about…?" Maribel complains from her bed.

"Shut u~p…" Renko is dissatisfied.

"We must have taken a wrong turn, somewhere." Matt _speaks_. "Like, it's just me and Shikome, walking around in the forest… and we take a wrong turn."

So you ended up in fucking _hell_. And in the palace of the earth assholes. Also, who the frik's Shiko-...

After looking out of the door, I see Shikome, the loli of hyper death or some shit standing next to him, a Rumia held in her arms tightly.

…

"Son." I look through the eye holes in Matt's mask. "I have half a mind to shut this door, stack some fluffles in front of it, and pretend you don't exist."

"But son," he speaks diplomagically, "we need the party to start. Turn this house into a home."

"This house is already a home…!" I gesture down the hall! "We got raped by freakin'... busty moths! How the hell'd you even _find us?_ " What're you _doing_ here!? There was supposed to be- like, _literally_ five hundred feet of rock between me and you. This should've been a statistical _impossibility!_

"We had to run from a wild motorcyclist that wanted our heads." Matt explains in great detail. "And we somehow ended up here."

Yeah, okay. Freakin'...

...This is why you always build a sentry before you go to bed.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 64

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Hard Winter - A earth/ice-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice! Allows the user to cast Ice Shard. Extends combo length by one artificially. Allows the user to jump out out of combos smoothly, and leave frost in their trail.

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I _would_ like to know where it actually _puts_ all my stuff though…

==o==

WEAPONS:

Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! It better, with a name like 'Swordbreaker'. Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! May cast Flash, an attack that blinds; works best on darkness elementals and youkai. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can cast Gust. By the addition of a steel block, its attack and magic attack increased slightly. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites stuff on impact. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle, allowing the user to cast Flamethrower Plus! Allows the user to cast Fume.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Can produce limitless fresh water. Boosts the power of water skills. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style; physical attack increased, physical defense lowered. User bleeds out faster. Can cast Revenge, an attack that increases in power the lower the user's health is. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to let it cut!

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Lowers defense slightly. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger is slightly electric and holy elemental. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy…

==o==

ARMOR:

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Seventy-five percent time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!

Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means _business, son_. _One hundred percent_ ice resistance, and as such renders me immune to all magical ice damage. Dunno 'bout icicles and stuff, though. Fifty percent freeze resistance… not that freezing will hurt me with this thing on. Fifty percent dark resistance. Negative fifty percent fire and burning resistance. Hopefully hides me a bit when navigating in the freakin' brush...

Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! Fifty percent sun resistance, one hundred percent freezing and blinding resistance. Also gives immunity to electrical stunning. It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.

Lunarian Prototype Space Suit - A suit meant for combat in deep space. So far, it's only got the whole 'exist in deep space' part down…! _One hundred percent_ electric resistant. One hundred percent freezing resistant. Has an oxygen tank, but that's only useful if you wear the helmet to go along with it. Randomly casts Zero Gravity when it feels like it.

Lunarian Prototype Deep Space Helmet - It's a freakin' helmet. Fifty percent blinding resistant! When worn with the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit, it also confers immunity to burning and poison, along with _another_ one hundred percent electricity resistance. Yo…!

Testing Oxygen Tank - The oxygen tank used by the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit. Lasts for two and a half minutes! Not meant to actually be used outside of testing, but it's possible. Refills automatically in breathable air.

MP Prize Pin - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field. For awhile only the user(s) of this badge may pick them up, but after a grace period anyone can. Extends prize grabbing range!

==o==

CONSUMABLES/OTHER:

Forty six thousand, two hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!

Seven Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Mega Potion - Youkai-like regen for thirty seconds… except for the whole family! Applies to entire party. Good for when we all suck at life!

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Three Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on _debuffs_ , though...

WebDings Book about Foreign Juices - Wahaha! This better fetch a price on the market!

Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Rope of Red Bikinis - Wahaha! Gonna getcha, son!

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I _really_ have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

==o==

Maribel Hearn, the University Student

WEAPON: Porcelain Mirror - A plant hanger made with curiously chrome materials. Reflects small projectiles it hits. Allows the user to cast Reflect. May cast Reflect with certain skills.

INVENTORY:

[Suitcase] - Holds her stuff. Gives five inventory spaces!

Drawings - Her drawing stuff!

Writing Utensils - Crayons, pencils, pens… hoh hoh!

Dreamcatcher - A holy hanger. May cast Talisman Seal on impact. Casts Talisman Seal with certain skills. Boosts the power of holy skills. Grants fifty percent resistance to syphoning and cursing.

Cast-Iron Plant Hanger - A sturdy plant hanger made of solid metal.

Umbrella - It helps stop the dreaded sky water.

[MP Prize Pin] - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field. For awhile only the user(s) of this badge may pick them up, but after a grace period anyone can. Extends prize grabbing range! Uses no inventory space when worn.

[no space remaining]

==o==

Renko Usami, the University Student

WEAPON: Counterweight - Black and gold scissors, with elaborate handles. Every enemy on the field increases combo length by one attack. Every enemy on the field increases jump height and defense by .3x, starting at a base of 1.0x with one enemy. Twenty five percent space resistance granted. User is immune to shoe-glue status when enemies are present. When equipped with no enemies on the field, inflicts shoe-glue status, preventing the user from jumping.

OFFHAND: Umbrella - It helps stop the dreaded sky water.

==o==

INVENTORY:

Steel Scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Sunfire Scissors - Casts Sunfire Flare on impact. Boosts the power of Sun elemental attacks.

Mega Potion - Causes the whole party to regenerate life.

[MP Prize Pin] - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field. For awhile only the user(s) of this badge may pick them up, but after a grace period anyone can. Extends prize grabbing range! Uses no inventory space when worn.

[no more space remaining]

==o==

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

the relaxation chapter - w -

despite it being rather slow paced i don't think it's bad; s'gotta lotta good variety in character actions - w -

i dunno whether me becoming more secure about my writing is a good thing or a bad thing

i also still dunno if i should bother remastering some of the earlier chapters to have better prose…

oh well maybe someone could _y'know give me opinions in the reviews ehehehe_

although i have indeed found that tvtropes page after some searching! needless to say i am quite humbled by its existence, yo :3 many thanks to the editors who are working on that; you are fluffy people

anyway this chapter

mana prize pins, yeah! i've wanted to incorporate the sorta prize drops from the KH series for awhile - w -

gives everything a good arcadic feel yo

also, moth girl! she's _EXTRA THICC_ yo, except she's also still a moth

stick your face into her fluff and sneeze :3 ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

anyway

i think i'll whine and beg for reviews less from now on 'cause XD I DUNNO BOUT YOO… BUT IT DON'T SEEM TO ACHIEVE MUCH

still yo one of you out there be a hero and share some opinions; i know there's a buncha you and i can take my punches yo

it's just fanfic land wadda ya got ta lose

well anyway enough of me being pretentious and shit XD

as always, see you all next time!


	81. The Man with a Hell Portal for a Head

(WAHOHOHO oh man yo it's MATT TIME; he is TUROK SON OF STONE SON) (YOUKAI HUNTER)

We are now in Old Hell. Shikome still has Rumia, and I'm only vaguely winded.

Standing in the doorway, Brad sighs, giving his hair a brush. "Freakin'... the frik do ya want, anyway? Why are you _here_ , yo~...?"

I guess I didn't answer his question. "We tried to jump over a gap in the forest floor, and fell in, and died."

...Brad just lets his arms ragdoll. "Son, I'm gonna shove fluffles down your shirt."

I suppose everyone's wondering how my life got flipped, turned upside down. Well, a couple of guys who were up to no good started making trouble in my neighborhood…

/ / / / FIRST CLASS YO THIS IS BAD; DRINKIN' ORANGE JUICE OUTTA A CHAMPAGNE GLASS / / / /

Sitting in the midst of the bamboo forest, the sun was pretty much down, and we were both pretty winded. We had just escaped from a homicidal orbital laser-toting nun, and proceeded to take a moment to collect ourselves…

...Licking her lips, Shikome looked down at the harpy she still held from the previous fight. It seems chicken is on the menu, tonight.

I've still got Rumia. "Hwa~h…" She's cuddly.

I'm not sure where we should be going from here. Preferably Eientei, even though I haven't visited it that much. Hopefully we don't make as bad of enemies out of them as we just did the Buddhists.

...Looking back at Shikome, I see she's got her form newly soaked from digging into the unconscious harpy girl's side.

 _Crunch!_ ... _Something_ she bites crunches.

All things considered, we should probably get moving after this short rest. I don't think Byakuren will give us time to patch up and buy health potions before she jumps us again.

"Let us move." I stand and begin to move, still holding Rumia, who has grown heavy by this point, but I can live.

Shikome has her face full of harpy flank, turning to me idly.

...I look down at the Rumia in my arms.

"I~ would like some _bread loafs_ …" Rumia drunkenly requests loaves.

Like this, we progress aimlessly into the dark bamboo forest. I forget, but it's probably called Bamboo Forest of the Lost for a distinct reason.

…

After a moment, we come to a creek of some sort in the midst of a clearing. There's nothing around it, at the moment. It's slightly brighter than the near complete darkness we've had to wallow through to get to it.

I could either continue past it, or follow the river in one direction. Since Eientei has little in terms of rivers near it to my limited memory, following it period will probably get me bumfuck lost in the middle of nowhere.

…

So that's what I begin to do, because I doubt Byakuren will be able to locate me if I can't even find myself.

Shikome eyes the creek curiously as we continue past it. She seems to have gathered her breath far faster than I have… that, and she's also walking and eating at the same time.

 _Crunch!_ ...Furrowing her brows, she starts to jerk her head to tear something from the harpy's ribcage-

 _Crack!_ That's interesting, I would suppose.

As we continue along the creek, there's a whole lot of darkness and nothing for a little while.

Eventually, however, we reach another clearing, where the creek mysteriously tapers off for some reason, despite the water flowing from...

After giving it a glance, the water on this end is still, as if the creek were a pool, despite the other end rippling vaguely. I don't think that's how water is supposed to work. It's like the water's flowing in from nowhere.

At the edge of the creek's end, there's some kind of stand…

Shikome and I strut up to it, unsure of what to expect at first.

There's a sniffing sound. Oh, no.

After a moment, a fluffle emerges from under the stand, suddenly stationing it. "its a secret to everybody"

No. Why.

The fluffle climbs onto the desk, and suddenly starts bobbing as if it has a really jazzy idle animation. "im casual"

...I hold up Rumia. "How much for this?"

...The fluffle stops animating, its head tilting forward and obscuring its smile. 

I guess it doesn't take lolis.

"Aww~..." Rumia idly swings an arm out in an attempt to grab the fluffle. "Kitty…"

...The fluffle jerks its head back, yet remains inexpressive.

"Show me your wares." Let's see if there's still nothing to buy.

Cli-cli-clink. The scissors drop from the fluffle as it stands there, somehow.

There's those black scissors, again. I'm probably never going to get those.

Those horseman scissors are there, whatever. There's also the kunai scissors… and those ice ones, which are also whatever.

There's a few new pairs, however.

The first of which is what looks like a pair of plastic, blue scissors of some kind. The handles have some curious, rounded protrusions…

I point at them. "Explain."

The fluffle _smiles_. Please, no. "Danger Scissors!" It also raises its fins. "when wielded, scales enemy encounters to ability of entire party. increases defense in critical situations. increases enemy spawn rate. five percent silencing resistance!"

...That's a bad weapon, and you should feel bad.

"it costs five hundred yen" The fluffle also tacks on the price.

...A hard _maybe_. That still sounds like a terrible idea, even if it's only five bucks.

I point at the next pair of scissors. They've got a dull green handle, and a neon pink set of blades, for some reason. "...Why."

"Flower's Thorn!" The fluffle is excited about this. "increases cloth crafting affinity for every party member. increases sewing machine affinity for every party member. allows the user to spend Affection Points to upgrade equipment! one hundred percent magical binding and dispel resistance."

...No, fuck you. I give the fluffle a middle finger.

Its shell nose opens as if surprised.

I won't even bother with the price on that one.

...Finally, I gesture to the last new pair of scissors on the table.

Instead of a typical handle, it has two big rings with ornate, shiny yellow triangles molded into black metal. The actual blades are awkwardly shaped in comparison to the two huge ring handles, looking more like brass spikes…

"What the fuck." I shake my head at it.

"Sunrise!" The fluffle names the scissors. "fifty percent sun resistance. allows the user to finish casting magic even when hit by medium or lesser attacks! boosts the last cast of magic when mana runs out. melee combo finishers chill enemies!"

That sounds… pretty useless.

Well, then. Taking out five hundred yen, I place them on the counter. "I'll take those danger scissors."

"thank you for your fluff meal purchase" The fluffle scoots the scissors towards me with its face, bending at a well over ninety degree angle to do so. "by the way say hi to my friend"

To the left, Shikome and I turn to a large fluffle that suddenly progressed towards the stand from the darkness. It's eight feet tall, and for some reason has humanoid arms fixated artificially onto its sides. One can see where the fins it had used to attach to it…

"hi im mister fluffdown" It introduces itself, smiling at us. "gimme your lunch money nerd"

...I see. Picking up my new scissors, I quickly pocket them, and back up from the large fluffle.

Shikome looks up at the fluffle, her face coated with the harpy's blood, her kimono dusted with feathers.

Lumbering up to Shikome, the fluffle moves to smack the harpy from her hands-

Fwish. Shikome darts back, still looking up at it.

"roar" Almost stumbling over, the fluffle reels its burly human arms back, and violently swings them wide with great speed-

Fwish. Shikome darts back further, her brows furrowed.

"hurah" In an attempt to close the distance, the fluffle kicks one stubby leg into the air, almost falling onto its back as it does so.

...Shikome steps back to avoid it, not even needing to dodge properly that time.

As the tall fluffle tries to correct its posture, Shikome lunges, swinging the half-eaten, unconscious harpy like a club-

 _Whack!_ The harpy's limbs crack unhealthily, and the impact sends the fluffle stumbling to the side, somehow not launched or displaced completely.

Bringing the harpy over her head with both arms, Shikome brings it down on the fluffle-

 _Bam!_ The fluffle is sent rolling onto its side from the impact. The harpy girl looks fairly mangled, to the point I'm pretty sure she's dead now.

Landing on its stomach, the fluffle slams its human arms against the floor, and almost entirely launches itself back up onto its feet-

 _Shi-shi-shink!_ Three tendrils drive into its back, piercing it completely.

"hey thats not nice" The fluffle starts squirming to try and escape them…

Lifting it into the air, Shikome retracts two of the tendrils, and uses the last one to whip the fluffle around-

 _Bam!_ It comes loose and slams into the floor hard, producing a greater impact than I thought possible from a tub of fluff.

...Thrusting itself into a standing position again, the half-torn up fluffle stumbles to the side. "help friend help. help!"

The fluffle at the stand seems to panic all of a sudden, before leaping from the desk and darting over to the creek.

Seeing this, the tubbiest fluffle bolts from its place in front of Shikome, and runs into the water.

 _Splash!_ The big one body slams in.

...The fluffles are now both wet.

...Propping itself up and marching out of the water, the eight foot tall fluffle was now completely soaked. Good.

"horaah" Pumping itself up, the fluffle charges at Shikome with both arms raised, its legs pounding against the forest floor-

 _Fwish_. Shikome darts to the side, and she sends three tendrils to pierce the fluffle's tubby torso-

 _Shi-shi-shink_. They pierce the fluff, but only marginally slow it down. Even so, it gradually slows down after missing Shikome anyway…

 _Shi-shi-shink_. Now behind it, Shikome interlocks three more tendrils into its legs from behind, keeping it held in place.

With the six tendrils interlocking through the fluffle's form, Shikome slowly starts to lift it. "Hn~gh…" As she lifts it, the fluffle's form drips with brown, dusty water...

...Then, she starts trying to make her tendrils spread out in different directions. Slowly, the fluffle starts to expand, becoming undone...

"what no" The fluffle looks disappointed. "i thought i was extra tubby"

 _Ri~p!_

"no my money" The fluffle begins flailing its arms as its seams come undone-

 _Ri~p!_

 _Fwoof._ The fluffle fell apart into a pile of dust. Glimmering yen coins and bills floated out of the dust, fluttering in the low wind as they fell.

…

Idly, I move to pick up the money as Shikome continues chowing down on that harpy girl she held the entire time. In the end, the fluffle dropped five thousand yen, for some reason. I suppose that makes up for the price of those worthless Danger Scissors…

Taking the scissors back out, I focus on them.

…

Walking over to the fluffle stand- which now had the soggy, tinier fluffle behind it again- I consider actually using one of my upgrade items.

Since I'm using one arm to keep Rumia steady, I place the Danger Scissors on the counter, and begin fumbling through my backpack awkwardly…

Taking out that grey stone I acquired awhile back from that one monochrome fairy I beat up with a bunch of hooligans, I slap it onto the Danger Scissors.

Fwi~sh. It seems to lock onto the side. Not that I'd be using this thing as a weapon, anyway…

Looking up at the fluffle, I point at the scissors again. "Details."

"Danger Scissors Plus!" The fluffle reveals my item's new stats. "when wielded, scales enemy spawns to party ability. spawned enemies can come from anywhere, regardless of where you are! increases chance of enemy encounters. five percent silence resistance! ten percent resistance to nil. increases defense when in critical situations"

Spawned enemies can come from anywhere. How anywhere is anywhere?

...I'll hold them for the time being out of curiosity, then.

…

 _Crunch!_ Shikome's still eating her unfried chicken.

/ / / / JOCKER CLASS YO / / / /

After abandoning the creek path and wandering aimlessly, we eventually came to the front door of Eientei. In the night's darkness, it was lit with sterile lights reminiscent of a supermarket.

Shikome had finished her bird by this point, but at the moment was idly carrying around the eaten out corpse. I'm not sure if I should tell her to put it down or not.

I'm not sure what those danger scissors are supposed to do yet, since we haven't actually encountered anything since then.

Stepping up to the door, I see the glass door slide open. That almost caught me off guard, considering how technologically inept the rest of Gensokyo is. Shikome doesn't seem fazed, though.

Walking inside, we look at the desk ahead…

A short, cream-haired lunar rabbit seems to be making herself scarce behind the counter ahead. "...Uhm…"

Then, she notices who Shikome's carrying. "O- oh, my… are- are you- do you need- uhm...!?" She slowly fluffs up, panicking as she realizes how bad the harpy looks.

...After an idle moment of us staring at one another, Shikome tilts her head back and forth, and plops the harpy onto the desk. "Take care of this for me."

...Looking rattled, the bunny girl salutes. "O- oh- okay! We'll work on her right away, do-don't worry!"

Acting quickly, the bunny girl slides her arms under the bloodstained, deceased harpy girl and starts carrying her away herself. "I-I'll, um, be back! Don't go…!"

With that, she jogs out of the room, down one of the deviating hallways.

...She must be pretty green if she couldn't tell it was already dead. I'm pretty sure most people would have assumed it was dead with a glance.

…

After Shikome and I stand in the lobby for a moment, a new girl moves in from down the hallway the rabbit girl left.

...She's walking backwards atop a crystal ball, rolling it forward. The girl has long ears, tan skin, and grey hair, as well as pastel green, earth green robes. Red dots are painted onto her cheeks under her eyes.

Slowing to a stop, she looks around, resting atop her orb with one leg. "...What?"

I turn to her idly. "Who are you?"

She blinks. "...I should be asking _you_ , sir. Where in the desert am I?"

Okay. "No idea."

...She pouts. "You are not telling me the full truth, sir."

Thoom. Thoom.

...I look to the hallway behind us, on the other side of the lobby.

Some kind of large, tubby mass is advancing towards us. At the very top, it seems to have a fluffle head.

"honh honh honh"

...Oh. The entire mass is composed of fluffles, making one large, round body. The round mass has cloth and robes bundled up all around it to hold the fluffles in and protect itself. The fluffle on the top has a tiny life-preserver around its head as a hat.

Stopping in place, the giant tubby fluffle raises its long, stubby arms- also composed of fluffles- and shakes them in the air, allowing its entire mass to jiggle.

Bam _bam!_

Suddenly, the filing cabinet behind the desk tips over, revealing a crawlway behind it. From inside, fluffles hiding inside of tiny green pots float out, two of them drifting into the air playfully.

...I turn to the genie-looking girl. "I have a wish. Take me the fuck away from here."

She giggles. "Ahuhuhu~! Sorry, sir. You were not the one unfortunate enough to rub my lamp, you see. In fact…" She furrows her brows. "Who did let me out?"

Thoom. Thoom. The tubby fluffle thing began stomping towards us, its whole body articulating as it does so…

Di-di~ng!

One of the green pots floats over the tubby fluff, sprinkling some kind of dust, and they both glow green for a moment.

"What… are those?" The genie girl is intrigued, shifting forward on her crystal ball, changing legs to do so. "In all my years…"

Thoom. Thoom. Taking a few more steps forward, the tubby fluffle thing reeled its entire body back… then it bent forward-

 _Fwooahm!_

Shikome, the genie girl, and I all had to leap out of the way, a deep red swath of flames pouring out from the fluffle's shell nose and encompassing a good span from where it began...

"My, oh my!" The genie girl holds a hand to her mouth, as the crystal orb she's balancing on gently ascends to the air, taking her with it. "Whatever it is, it is not friendly…!"

Shikome's tendrils come out, and she begins to strafe towards the fat fluffle thing.

...Once the fire swath ends, the fluffle starts to stand back up straight-

 _Fwam!_ -only to abruptly lunge its head forward again, and spit out a fireball.

Shikome darts to the side, allowing the fireball to hit the tiled floor of the lobby-

 _Fwam!_ Another fireball comes out, heading for the genie girl-

 _Ti~ng!_ She drifts up to let it hit her orb, and the fireball is reflected back at the tubby fluff thing.

 _Bam!_ On impact, the tubby fluff is tipped onto its back, and its cloth rides up, exposing the stomach… which was just a shifting mass of fluffles.

"honh honh"

"hi son"

"im soft"

Shikome and the genie girl capitalize on this moment at the same time, both shifting towards the mass at inhuman speeds-

 _Shi-shi-shink!_ Three tendrils stab into the mass.

The genie girl seemingly dances around on her orb as she nears, only for the orb to come out from under her entirely. Despite the surface gone, she remains in the air, twirling around-

 _Fwi-fwi-fwish!_ With three nimble swipes of her hands, sudden incisions impact the fluffle mess. Blades of wind, perhaps…?

Flipping upside down, the genie girl allows her crystal orb to pass over herself-

 _Bam!_ It smashes against the fluff, smooshing it, before returning to the genie girl, orbiting around her side.

Distancing herself, the genie girl snaps her fingers-

 _Fwoa~h!_ A sudden, tiny wind storm lifts the fat fluffstuff, causing it to spiral into the air, before landing again. Shikome is forced to withdraw her tendrils and leap back-

 _Boom_. The fluffle's impact with the floor caused a myriad of them to splay outward, flowing away from the main mass…

Then, it began to stand again. The two green pots floated over it-

Di-di~ng! Di-di~ng!

Despite the fluffles that were knocked from its being, the mass grew in size due to the aid of the green floating things. They must be casting healing spells…

"Oh, no no no~." Shaking her head, the genie girl's orb positions itself beneath her feet once again as she rights herself. "This will not do."

Once again, the fluffle mass begins to slowly lean back, as if building up energy for its next attack…

Shikome suddenly darts forward, and pierces the stomach with three tendrils-

 _Shi-shi-shink!_ Despite the audible damage, all the incisions seem to do is make the mass jiggle.

 _Fwooa~hm!_ Another impressive display of fire breath is unleashed from the fluffle menace, this one targeted at the slowly approaching genie girl.

"Hehehe~!" Dodging around it, the genie girl's orb begins glowing. " _Unwise!_ " Rotating around her back, the orb travels all the way around the genie before striking the fluffle-

 _Bam!_ The orb hits it on the head, causing the top fluffle to be pushed back inside the body, and for another mess of fluffles to get pushed out…

...Setting Rumia down on one of the waiting chairs, I dig through my backpack for the water scissors and brandish those. I wonder how this thing will like getting wet, if it's fire-based…

Also, someone needs to do something about those stupid healers.

Despite me thinking that, they seem to just drift to the side of the room and out of everyone's way like the annoying things they are. They'll probably make themselves visible when they come to heal the tubby thing again.

 _Shi-shi-shi-shi-shink!_ With simple movements, Shikome stabs tendrils into crawling fluffles as they try to escape the mass.

...Once the fluffy mass recollects itself, it's a size smaller than it was before, and the cloth that held it together more baggy.

The healers start to move-

Abruptly lunging to the side, the genie girl grabbed onto one, hugging it. "Ahuhuhu~!" With it in grasp, she started dancing around in the air with it, her orb rotating around herself as she does so…

Once the brief, momentum-based dance ends, she casts the pot beneath herself, and starts orbiting alongside it, as if falling with it-

Fwi-fwi-fwi-fwi-fwi-fwi-fwi- _fwish!_ The air makes a bunch of violent noises as she whirls around the pot, visible slashes bombarding the fluffle's vehicle-

Positioning itself above the pot, the crystal orb slams down-

 _Cra~ck!_ The fluffle pot was destroyed, as well as the fluffle inside it.

Reeling its arm back, the tubby fluffle creation begins to wind up a big punch, its arm lighting up with amber flames as it tilts back onto one stubby leg…

Cautiously, I start to position myself back, while Shikome distances herself from the thing as well-

The fat fluffy menace brings its arm out over its head, and slams it into the floor.

 _BAM_

Amber energy and skirting flames spread out across the floor, a shockwave rocking the room.

"Ngh…!?" Shikome is flung into the air by it, flames briefly licking her body as she drifts up slowly…

Chairs, binders, cabinets, and other such fixtures tip over and get thrown onto the floor.

At this point, I'm positive a security team is going to come fuck everyone's day up for making the lobby explode. Also- I'm not getting near something that can do _that_.

...Shikome lands on her feet softly, looking perturbed.

Reeling its head back, the fluffle readies to barf fire _again_.

 _Crack!_ With one punch, the genie broke the other green fluff pot. "...Not _as_ strong as I thought, actually."

The fluffle from it fell onto the floor, and began scurrying away on all fours…

"U-uhm…" The cream-haired bunny girl came back without the harpy corpse, carefully stepping into the room. "I- wh- what's going on!?"

...I'm not sure if I should put away these Danger Scissors yet.

All of a sudden, I hear the loud roar of an engine increase in volume from the doorway…

The fluffy menace pumps its arms in the air again, jiggling merrily as if the fight was going well for it.

"I have no idea what's going on!" Looking around, the genie girl takes in the sense of impending people...

"I- I need to get someone…!" The cream-haired rabbit begins to run away from the scene…

Putting away the water scissors, and the Danger Scissors while I'm at it, I pick up Rumia and begin moving. "We should go, like now."

"Fine…" Shikome doesn't seem too opposed.

Moving, we begin to get into the hallway the cream-haired bunny girl went down-

I hear the doors to the clinic slide open, one by one, the roaring of an engine getting louder with each glass door.

Peeking around the corner, I see-...

Byakuren has arrived, and she's riding a _motorcycle_ through the glass doors.

...I thought the whole Buddhist gangster thing I had going was a joke, but now I'm not so sure.

Slowly riding her bike in, Byakuren gave the tubby fluffle a patient smile…

The genie girl looked amazed. "Oo~h? What is that technology!?"

 _Fwooahm!_ The fluffle monstrosity releases another jet of flames in the direction of Byakuren.

She simply stops just shy of the flame's farthest point, smiling into it like it were a stoplight.

…

After it runs out, the big tubby fluffle begins to correct its posture-

Nimbly, Byakuren leaps off of her bike, lifts it with both arms, and runs towards the giant fluff ball.

 _Fwam!_ Jerking its head forward, the top fluff spits a fireball at Byakuren.

Ducking under it, Byakuren lunges forward, and swipes with her _entire motorcycle_ -

 _Cla-bang!_ The horizontal blow cleaved into the fluffle mass's tub, pushing out fluffles and sending the mass wobbling.

Inhaling, Byakuren lifted the motorcycle over her head, and slammed it down on the fluffle menace-

 _Cla-Bam!_

"Waaa~l!"

...Fluffles uselessly and helplessly scurried out from under the bike, the tubby fluff thing ruined by the blow and forced to become a puddle-esque shape.

We might wanna… run.

With the giant fluff tub out of the way, I see a team of five lunarian rabbit girls in suits running down the hall it occupied. The laser sights of their rifles make it pretty clear they're not just here for a patrol and some pastries.

Turning around, I begin jogging in the opposite direction, Shikome promptly passing me and leading the way.

/ / / / EIENTEI COMBAT SON / / / /

...I _think_ we're a good distance from whatever the hell was going on back there. Of course, that's what I thought before, but then Byakuren pulled up to the clinic on a fucking motorcycle.

...Note to self: only draw Danger Scissors when I want to be in maximum danger.

Now that we're in the midst of the clinic's halls, however, I have no idea where to go. With any luck Byakuren will get kicked out… or the inverse: I get kicked out and Byakuren is conveniently outside waiting for me.

At this time of the night, the halls are pretty dead. I remember the halls being pretty dead before, though, so… now they're double dead.

I should just randomly walk into rooms and see what's going on. I might get an idea of where the hell I am, or maybe not.

Pleased with this idea, I turn to the first door to my~... left.

Turning the knob, it creaks open…

...Ah. It's some kind of medical check-up room. The lights go on automatically when I enter, but there's nothing in here of interest, seemingly. As much fun as it would be to thumb around, I have to get the hell out of here before Byakuren unloads an uzi up my ass, or something to that effect.

Leaving the room behind, I jog to catch up with Shikome as she steps through the hall leisurely…

"A room with people might get us somewhere." I not-too subtly suggest she lead us somewhere with life forms.

...After giving me a glance, she nods, and continues walking forwards.

…

Stopping on a dime, she turns to a door to her right. Stepping forward, Shikome opens the basic door.

Inside this room is a myriad of bunk beds, with bodies in them. To our right, a platinum-haired lunar rabbit turns from her desk to look at us. "Wh-what? Again…? This late?"

Walking up to her, Shikome begins to reach out to grapple her.

"Hey- _hey!_ Stop!" The rabbit tries to get up from her seat, only for Shikome to pull on her arm. "Wh- help! Someone! Girls!"

Slowly, Shikome drags the struggling rabbit from the room, tendrils lashing out to contain her once she gets the better of Shikome's arms.

"Please!" She looks towards the beds. "Wake the _hell up!_ I'm- I'm being _attacked_ you idiots!"

I back out of the room as the platinum-haired rabbit is dragged along by Shikome…

...Click. Shikome shuts the door with a tendril.

" _Noo~!_ " The rabbit girl begins thrashing anew. "What the _fuck!?_ Th-this isn't funny! Who put you to this!?"

...I stare at the scene dryly. "Why."

Shikome looks over at me. "She needs food." She tilts her head towards me, likely indicating Rumia.

Huh. Happy family.

 _fwish._ Something happened behind us...

"We~ll, well, well…" We hear the clacking of boots against the wooden floor behind us. "What've we got here? A bunch of little girls and a mask?"

Turning around, I see a lunar rabbit with deep green, bobby hair stepping towards us. She's got her arms folded, and two bulky, white metal boots with up and down arrows printed onto their sides…

We all stare at her.

"Uchu-chan!" The platinum-haired bunny calls out for her. "Go- good… Uchu-chan, I'm-"

Cr-crack! A tendril around the rabbit's arm began to pull. "Aaa _~nh!_ Ah- aah!"

Uchu sighs. "Umeko~, Umeko, Umeko. I can't say I didn't see this coming, but in the middle of the night is kinda sudden for even me."

"Wh- wh- nnh…" Umeko is now crying. "Uch-Uchu, you bitch- _help!_ "

...Slowly, Uchu begins to grin. "I _was_ itchin' for a late night fluffle run… but I guess you kids'll have to make due."

Fwi-fwish! Unfolding her arms, she suddenly summons two bulky, technological armaments that resemble futuristic crossbows.

Throwing one over her shoulder and letting one stay by her side, she continues to smile at us. "You _really_ shouldn't have disturbed us…"

…

Cr-cr-crack! Umeko's arm makes unhealthy noises as it begins to visibly move out of place…

" _Aaa~h!_ " Umeko's eyes widen, and she yells.

Raising both guns at us, Uchu just fires them at us plainly.

Ti-ti-ti~ng! Ti-ti-ti~ng!

Six diamond-shaped, red arrows of laser energy come out, and home in on Shikome.

Once they reach her, they patter against her, shattering into shards of some kind of energy, be it danmaku or otherwise. Regardless, each impact causes her to jump, and her whole body to convulse with the energy.

 _Ri~p!_ The sudden stress Shikome's tendrils exert rips Umeko's arm off entirely. " _Haau~h!_ "

Raising a brow, Uchu holds the arrow guns at side angles, pressing the tops together. "Take _this!_ "

 _Shi~ng!_ The arrow guns both fire a thick, white spear of energy that slowly progresses towards Shikome...

Shikome twirls around, and ducks behind Umeko-

 _Thwash!_ The bolt pierces Umeko's form-

 _Thwash!_ "Ngh…" Stumbling back, Shikome's body was now crackling with red energy again, despite the bolt not being red.

"Ah-aauh…" Umeko suffers similarly, but she's not having much fun.

Frowning, Shikome focuses on the rabbit girl firing at us, and begins moving for her…

Leaping into the air, the rabbit drifts back…

Ti-ti-ti~ng! Ti-ti-ti~ng! Two more volleys of three red diamond bullets homed in on Shikome-

They all pattered against Umeko's body, which Shikome held up before herself with her tendrils.

"A-aahnh…" Umeko sounds pretty done.

Getting closer, Shikome abruptly sends a tendril out to collide with Uchu-

An energy shield flickers to life around the rabbit as she twirls to the side, as if skating on the air. Stopping on a dime, Uchu shot her bolts out at two wide angles-

Ti-ti-ti~ng! Ti-ti-ti~ng!

One volley went far to the left of Shikome, before arcing around at nearly ninety degrees and nailing her in the side. "Hrm…"

The other volley went to the far right, and ended up homing on _me_ instead. Turning to the side, I let it hit my back-

"Hn~h…" Fu~ck that _burns!_ Each blow somehow causes pain to flourish across my entire body, and all of my muscles convulse at once. Damn.

Shikome sends out another tendril, which whirls forward faster and from a closer starting proximity than the last one-

 _Fwi- Shink!_ The rabbit girl's energy shield shatters as she is promptly pierced. "Oah!" Jerking back, her eyes widen-

 _fwish_. She vanishes completely, the tendril suddenly loose in the air...

"Oh, yeah…?" Her voice comes from behind us again, prompting us to start turning around.

Once we do, I'm able to get a good look of the new gash her stomach sports-

 _fwish_. "Heads _up!_ "

Ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-ti~ng!

Shikome is forced to repeatedly jerk herself back, the rabbit girl hanging upside down in the air above her and firing below. Her dodging allows her to only take a few of the hits, the proximity of Uchu being too close for the missed shots to begin homing before they patter against the floor.

...In the distance, I hear a sound. It's the slowly increasing sound of a bike engine.

"We should move!" I begin running down the hall, eagerly looking for a deviating hallway.

...A moment later, Shikome runs past me with the quivering Umeko still in her arms, and assaults another door to our right-

 _Bam!_ She breaks it open by hitting it with a myriad of tendrils at once, and runs inside. I follow inside behind her…

It seems to be a rather large lab of some sorts, though no one's in here at the moment.

Except, for some reason, Uchu. She's standing upside down on the ceiling in a far corner of the room as we pass through it. "Wha~t? You running _away?_ "

Vuu~m. Her energy shield audibly recharges as we move through the room-

" _Here!_ " She aims her guns side by side again at the end of the room. "Dodge _this!_ "

 _Shi~ng!_ She fires another brightly glowing spear of light forward, far ahead of where we'll move- "And _this!_ "

 _Shi~ng!_ She fires _another_ actually at us- "And _this!_ "

 _Shi~ng!_ Good projectile spam.

Ting. The first spear of light she fired ahead of us bounces off the wall, forcing me to reconsider following directly in the wake of Shikome-

Ti-ting. After the spear ahead of me bounces off the floor, I move after it, only to find I barely missed the trajectory of a spear that came after my back-

Ti-ti-ting. I've also now just realized the spears aren't even bouncing properly. When they hit a surface, they seem to bounce towards us almost no matter what, even if that wouldn't physically make sense.

Bam! Shikome stabs the door ahead of us open, and barrels through it.

As I follow her out, I make sure to kick the door behind us closed-

 _Bam!_ ...Ti-ti-ting. Crisis averted. I have trapped the bouncing spears inside.

We're now in some sort of large clearing in the midst of the halls. This large room has leisure furniture, tables, and such other rich wood fixings.

...Now that we're in here, Shikome turns to me, two of her tendrils still holding onto the disembodied arm of Umeko. She shoves the arm into my arms, which is problematic because I've also got a Rumia in these arms still. Therefore, I am now carrying Rumia along with a disembodied arm.

...At least Shikome gave me a hand.

…

I'm going to hell for that joke.

 _fwish_. Uchu shows up again, this time standing atop a tall cabinet at the far end of the room.

Leering down at us, she holds up her guns… and then, she brings them together-

 _Fwa~sh!_ The two guns combine with a flash of light and become a large rifle with a pointy, crystal prism for a tip. "Gotcha _now!_ "

Aiming it at us, she aims down the sight on the top…

Since we don't really know which way to go, Shikome simply darts for the leftmost hallway opening on the far end of the room…

 _Ti~ng!_ The rifle fires one persistent, red diamond bullet that stops in the air a few feet from where the rabbit fired it.

I watch it warily, strafing to make sure I'm to the side of Shikome so that I'm not targeted first…

Suddenly, the bolt darts forward-

"Grh…" Shikome briefly stumbles before finding her footing again, the diamond-shaped bullet piercing straight through her and through the floor below.

 _Ti~ng!_ She fires another bolt, but we continue into the hallway, escaping from it.

Ahead, Shikome seems to swerve side to side-

The diamond-shaped bullet passes by her at a speed one could miss if they blinked, failing to hit her form.

Vroo~m!

Byakuren pulls out of one of the deviating halls from earlier, putting her right before the door we emerged from prior. Her motorcycle briefly drifts as she makes a sharp turn to follow us.

"Who the hell're _you?_ " Uchu watches her speed past her position.

Noticing the gaining motorcycle, Shikome strafes toward the left wall, and kicks the nearest door in.

 _Bam!_ She used her tendrils, as well. We both rush in-

Vroo~m! The motorcycle passes the door behind us.

This doorway seems to have lead to some kind of stout hallway, which has some doors at the sides, and a door at the very end. We run straight to the other side-

Suddenly, a red diamond bullet zooms right past the space between me and Shikome, narrowly missing both of us. That's cool, just shooting us through the walls.

Reaching the other side of the room, we quickly exit into the new hall.

To the right, Byakuren seems to just be pulling around a corner, again. Good.

"You're puttin' me to _sleep_ , bucko…" Uchu sleepily walked on the ceiling above us. "Next time I wanna go to bed, I should just ring up you two. Ya work about ten times better than those crappy relaxation tracks we got passed around."

 _fwish_.

Vroo~m! As Byakuren speeds towards us, I look at her and notice Uchu now flying alongside her bike…

"Hey, buddy!" Uchu yells over the engine.

Byakuren looks over at her.

"You're breakin' the speed limit!" Gleefully, the rabbit reeled her arm back, and swung one of her arrow guns at Byakuren-

To avoid it, Byakuren tilted her bike to the side at a seemingly implausible angle, before righting it and-

 _Bam!_ She punches Uchu to the side, causing her energy shield to flare up.

"Orah!?" Uchu is left spinning in the air-

Thu-thud. She lands on the ground, rolling until she stops against the side wall.

 _Bam!_ Shikome abuses the door directly ahead of us with her tendrils, rushing inside. Again, I file in behind her…

Unlike the other rooms, this one seems closed, with a large pad in the middle. Various decorative brick structures and banners outlined the room's walls, and the pad in the middle sat upon a block of stone that had blue and beige coloration…

At the very back of the room, there were glass panels, revealing technology and other such useless props.

"Ah-aahn…" Umeko whined in Shikome's arms. "He-he… help…"

"No~." Rumia declines her plea for help from my arms. "Tha~t's… not my _jo~b_ …"

...Rumia looks up at me.

...Taking a moment, I grab the arm in my arms, and hold it up to her.

...She looks down at it, but doesn't do anything yet.

I hear Byakuren's bike idle outside the door.

Running onto the pad- which prompts Shikome to follow me onto it- I look around…

Ah. There is indeed a panel next to this pad. Here's to hoping it's not a person scruncher or something equally gruesome.

...Crouching down- as this is quite a small panel for whatever reason- I press the button with my elbow.

…

Vuu~m. The pad begins doing something…

Suddenly, everything around us begins to glow blue-

 _Fwoa~om..._

/ / / / SOME LIKE IT HOTTER / / / /

 _Fwoa~om…_

…

The blue light dies down.

Looking around, I notice that the room is slightly different than before. Instead of being made out of wood and those paper-and-stick walls, it's made out of some kind of stone. Purple stone with cyan markings surrounds us, but the wall to our left is completely open for some reason.

In the back of the room, instead of a glassed-off section with technology, there's simply an area with tiled floor and wooden tables, which have papers messily strewn about on them. There's one big computer-like device back there, but it doesn't seem to be active. Even so, this pad seems to still have power, as it faintly illuminates light…

…

It's also one of our few sources of light. It's dark as shit.

Amber light pours in through the open wall, however. Very dim, hardly apparent amber light.

Stepping off the pad, I meander towards the wall…

The sky seems to be illuminated cave walls. These walls pulse with the amber, speckled presence of lava meager flows.

There's a roof in the sky above, adorned with pointy rocks and a couple clusters of glowy crystal, giving an almost night-time appearance.

I thought it was just the teleporter pad thing, but apparently the air here is hot, heavy, and humid. Despite this, I can't seem to find plant life around anywhere.

…

Are we… actually in Hell? Because that's what this looks like. Did I actually just get sent to Hell for that stupid hand joke I made earlier?

Na~h. It was probably a long time coming, anyway… and I still seem to be alive, so that's a plus. Unless that really _was_ a person scruncher.

While I'm ogling the skybox, Shikome steps up to me, gracelessly plops the now-unconscious Umeko on the floor, and takes Rumia out of my arms. Despite this, I am still left with that disembodied arm. It has platinum painted fingernails.

Kneeling down, she grabs the still-attached arm of the lunar rabbit, and brings it to Rumia's mouth, lightly pressing it against her lips.

"Eat." Shikome requests.

…

She taps it against Rumia's face again. "Food."

"Ya~y." Rumia is happy.

…

"Eat food." Again, Shikome presses the arm against Rumia's face.

…

"You will eat or I will make you eat." Shikome insists, pressing the arm against Rumia's face again, this time with slightly more force-

"Omf…" After a delay, Rumia takes a bite, causing Shikome to casually smile.

…

Now, where the hell do we go?

"Omf, om…" Rumia takes some more bites of the rabbit arm.

I assume we can teleport _back_ … but I'm not sure if we want to. Byakuren and angry rabbits on the other side and all.

Stepping away from the girls and their meal, I look around the dim landscape…

...There's a big structure to the right of this rocky clearing, some distance away. Even farther is what looks like a tall, rocky city.

Around the very back of the box we came out of is what looks like a sizable, inactive volcano or mountain. Considering the occasional glimmer of magma, or rolling smoke cloud, I'm betting on it being a volcano…

Our destination should probably be the convenient, large structure in the distance. As fun as it'd be to romp around in an underground city, I'm sure the citizens would rip my ass atwain.

…

I'll have to wait for the lolis to finish their dinner meal first, though. This suit is not helping with this climate, but it's fine.

/ / / / FAT BANDITS / / / /

The bunny girl is now about a quarter of a bunny girl. Once Rumia began to wake up more, she demonstrated to have a hunger greater than Shikome when it came to flesh.

"Mmh…!" She tears a chunk of thigh off of the leg she's holding up. "...It's kinda different. It's like, rabbit… but not rabbit. I guess it's 'cause I haven't eaten in awhile that this tastes good!"

Shikome had only eaten a fourth of her own rabbit leg by comparison to Rumia's progress. "You're right. The taste is distinctly repugnant. It has a potent kick to it, too..."

"Mmm." Nodding, Rumia abruptly lunges for the leg again. "Omf…! Mmm."

After swallowing, she scrunches her face. "Oo~h. Yeah, that kick really kicks ya…"

...Then, she goes for another bite. "Omf…!"

I'm pretty sure this is some kind of cannibalism. It's a cuddly moment, though.

Rumia smiles. "Food's food! Omf…" Then, she takes another bite.

"Usually the viscera are more appetizing…" Shikome tilts her head. "However, these were... particularly sour."

Rumia swallows her bite. "...I dunno what you just said, but yeah! The gooey bits _were_ pretty sour…"

Why am I listening to cannibals describe what organs taste like?

...After a moment, Shikome puts her leg down, refusing to eat the rabbit further.

Shortly after, Rumia does similar. "I'm full enough for the taste to be too much…"

Standing, Shikome looks around. "I'm sure we could find a more delectable meal."

...Rumia points at me. "What about him? He smells funny." Try to eat me and I'll rip your asshole inside out.

Shikome simply shakes her head at her, before beginning to explore. "No. That cannot do."

...Blinking, Rumia stands. "Why not? He's a, a…"

Furrowing her brows, Rumia turns to me. "...Nevermind! He's a I-dunno-what! He's just got some human on him."

Taking a moment to look around, Shikome examines the huge cavern's stone ceiling and walls.

"...Where are we?" Rumia is confused.

"We got damned to Hell." I answer.

...Taking another look around, Rumia extends her arms and drifts slightly. "It's not actually that bad down here! It's a little stuffy, though."

Strolling after Shikome, I gesture to the large structure in the distance. "We should check out that building over there."

...Looking between me and the building, she moves towards it. I seem to have adequately convinced her.

Between here and there, however, seem to be a myriad of plains, ruins, and curiously slanted surfaces. There's a lot less lava than I was expecting, but I can't honestly complain there…

I move after Shikome, and Rumia follows along behind us, glancing around curiously…

/ / / / AND NOW THAT I'M GROWN I EAT FIVE DOZEN EGGS / / / /

That temple is farther away than I thought. I blame the ozone fog that's somehow present underground.

We've yet to encounter anything, but to break the monotony of walking past Tetris blocks and statically increasing and declining slopes, I take out the Danger Scissors…

Spawn anything from anywhere. Let us see what we get…

As we continue forward, we eventually come to a small stone clearing, one of a few we've already covered. It's surrounded by four Tetris block-like ruins.

"So much nothi~ng…" Rumia drawls, drifting behind us lazily. "Hell's pretty boring…"

Yeah, that's the real kicker. That, or this is just the first level of Hell…

"Uuoo~h…"

The three of us pause at the sudden moan. It was deep, so it couldn't have come from any of us…

From around one of the Tetris blocks, a mummy walks out, wrapped in beige bandages. "Oouhh…"

 _Fwa-fwa-fwash!_ In the air above us, three white pots materialized into existence from bright flashes of light. The tops opened, revealing fluffles inside.

" _Fufufu~..._ " The echoey voice of a woman rang out throughout the clearing, before a completely naked woman with white hair and large, wiry white wings appeared. Just happened to be in the middle of open space the moment I had looked away from it.

"I have to look my best for the-..." Walking around the corner of one of the Tetris blocks, a very poofily dressed man came to a stop the moment he realized where he was. "Huh!? How could this be!?" ...It looked like very old English attire, although his face was distinctly uncharacteristic of a human, looking way too smooth and uncannily round.

It has suddenly become an all-out brawl.

"So many people…!" Rumia realizes that we've suddenly been bamboozled.

Immediately, the probable succubus and poofy individual begin to skirt towards our area, the succubus sliding along through the air, and the guy just… running.

Hovering over us, the white fluffle pots create rings of light tick marks around themselves…

"Oouuh…" The mummy oh so slowly moves in the succubus' wake.

Once the poofy guy and the succubus were both in the proximity of us, the succubus held up her arms. " _Bind!_ "

 _Fwoa~sh!_ An expanding shockwave of yellow, non-elemental energy spreads out from her form.

Pretty much everybody except the mummy and floating fluffles was caught inside of its radius. As a result, we were all left with these rings of yellow energy around each of us…

I try to walk forward, but make no progress. Huh.

...Rumia tries to fly, but only manages to go up, the ring following her as she ascends.

"Wh-what is this…?" The poofy guy stares at his ring with uncertainty.

...Shikome attempts to move forward, but is also bound to her current position. Apparently this bind spell doesn't inhibit actions, it just stops everyone from moving horizontally.

Looking around at all of us, the succubus licks her lips, drifting in a circle around the group…

"...You are all so _equally_ plain." The succubus insults us. "...Hmm."

"Plain…?" The poofy guy jerks his head back. "I got these clothes for a small mint, sister!"

...The succubus just gives him a dry look.

 _Fwi~sh!_ An orb of light generates in the succubus' form, causing her to jerk back in the air. "Hwah!?"

...Shikome shields herself with a tendril as one of the fluffle pots charges towards her, encased in an orb of light.

The tendril stops that pot. Once the orb of light drops, Shikome jabs a second tendril into it-

Thud. Its holy pot was left to tip over on the floor. Shikome must've killed the fluffle riding the pot.

 _Fwi~sh!_ The last holy fluffle pot vanished, before reappearing coming out of the mummy's form.

"Ooagh!" Stumbling to the side, the mummy lunges for the pot after a delay. Unfortunately, the fluffle was well away from it by the time it actually retaliated…

"I _suppose_ …" Ignoring the fluffle's actions on her well being, the succubus begins to drift towards me, smiling. "You'll have to do."

The bind rings around all of us fizzle out, the spell over.

Rumia descends from above. "Hello again!"

Immediately, the poofy guy sprints towards her.

Reaching into my bag, I draw my slick black scissors. Fighting fire with fire, as they say.

Approaching me, the succubus licks her lips, and abruptly slides forward, her arms outstretching-

With my scissors, I abruptly slide back with equal distance and velocity, evading her grapple. She jerks her head back at this. "What…?"

Stopping before Rumia, the poofy guy gets onto one knee, and pulls out a rose. "I~ love you!"

…Rumia turns and gives him a glance.

…

Then, she slowly drifts back.

His entire body flinching, the guy clutches his chest as the rose abruptly wilts for no reason. "Don't reject me…!"

Strafing around his side, Shikome steps up to him. Then, she grabs him by the side of the head-

 _Cr-crack!_ Her tendril goes straight through his head, although no blood is produced.

" _Auu~gh!_ " Curiously, his entire body turns black, before fading into rose petal particles, all of which dissipate in the air. In a few moments, he's gone entirely with nothing left.

…

Shikome just stared blankly at where the man was.

"Think you're clever…?" The succubus smirks at me, her eyes narrowing. "Fufufu~... I like men who think they can _resist_."

She is pretty much the textbook example of a succubus. Perhaps minus those curious wings of hers that seem more bone and wire than anything.

Folding her arms, she drifts back, two copies of herself drifting out of herself and to her sides.

They speak all at once. "You can't evade all of-"

 _Shink!_

"Aanh…!?" Suddenly, the left and center clones disappear, the rightmost succubus' arms clamming up. In this moment, I notice Shikome behind her, a tendril running up towards the succubus' rear…

"You think you can act like that, filthy _whore_?" Shikome seems to have her good eye on me, at least.

Before anything else happens, a white pot fluffle descends from above, and simply floats down to bonk Shikome on the head.

Clonk.

...Shikome gives it a glance.

"Bi-bind!" The succubus raises an arm to cast her spell...

 _Fwoa~sh!_

…Shikome and myself were the only ones caught in the radius.

 _Cra~ck!_ Somewhere where I wasn't paying attention, Rumia apparently took care of a fluffle pot. Far below her, the mummy was extending its bandages in the air after her, but the bandages apparently had a max length before the mummy couldn't control them anymore.

"Aah- _oo~h!_ " The succubus shuts her silver eyes, the tendril attack still happening since her bind didn't really stop anything.

"Yeah, dance for me you sex-crazed _slut_." Shikome seems to be taking pleasure in torturing the succubus.

 _Fwam!_ Rumia sends a thick line of cluttered red bullets down at the mummy.

" _Ooangh!_ " It roars in displeasure, its bandages crackling with danmaku energy as it gets absolutely shelled. In retaliation, it drifts slightly into the air-

Thoom. Tho-tho-thoom. The Tetris blocks around the arena raise into the air, and glow a deep purple…

"Oo~h…" Moaning, the succubus uselessly wiggles around on Shikome's tendril. There's more I could say, but ratings won't let me.

...Slowly, the final fluffle pot drifts down from above. The fluffle inside gazes at me, resting its vehicle in the air before me. "hi friend"

I slap it.

...Afterward, it jerks its head back as if offended, before hiding inside of its pot.

 _Fwi~ng!_ It glows with holy energy, before gaining a light orb around itself. Then, it slams itself into me-

"Oof…" Ow. That was unpleasant. The impact caused me to cringe back, and I likely would have been launched were I not bound to this horizontal position. That's going to leave a mark...

After getting its revenge, the fluffle pot floats away, looking for a new target.

"Nn-nnh…" Slowly, the succubus's limbs stop articulating as fast as they were, and her eyelids begin to lower. "Awa~h…"

 _Crack!_ The Tetris blocks devastate the fluffle pot, because it just flies right into them. Good.

After a few twitches, the blocks all slowly begin to converge on Rumia's position. She evades them by floating away from the original position, because the blocks don't track enemies.

 _Fwa-fwa-fwash!_ Rumia sends three more straight shots of a bunch of danmaku bullets right at the mummy-

" _Huraoo~h!_ " Roaring, the mummy's bandages slowly rip apart from the cracking damaku energy. Once they're all gone, a shriveled corpse is revealed to the underground's light-

 _Fwoom!_ -which promptly begins burning for some reason.

Thud. The mummy fell over, ablaze.

The bind spell flickers out, deactivating. Shikome and I are free to move, now...

"Aah- anh…" Slowly, the succubus' eyes become uneven, before they start to close. "Oh…"

Well. This was a good fight. Annoying fluffles, a guy who walked up, proposed to Rumia and died, and a succubus. Also a mummy, but it was so skilled at combat even Rumia was able to tear into it.

…

Ba-ba-bam! In the distance, the Tetris blocks the mummy lifted crashed into the plains.

Rumia idly floated down to join us again. I slid away my pairs of scissors- the slick black ones along with the danger scissors- so that we don't get ganked by warriors from across the cosmos again.

Slowly, the succubus finally went limp on Shikome's tendril, her mouth hanging open. "Ah-... ah…"

I look around idly. The mummy seems to be burning out rather quickly… and it seems that one fluffle pot that Shikome disarmed is still just lying there.

Walking up to the pot while Shikome finishes her business, I look down at it.

...After giving it a good glance, I crouch down and lift it up. It's somewhat tubby, but perhaps it could be useful for something. There only seems to be dust inside.

I tip it over to spill out all the dust. Once that's done, I try and find a way to shove it into my backpack…

Rumia seems to be watching the mummy burn. Somehow, it seems to have already stopped burning, and is now a pile of ash with not even bones left behind.

...

Thu-thud. Shikome's tendrils dropped the limp body of the succubus onto its back.

Meandering over to the mummy's corpse, I look down over it…

In the ash, something glimmering catches my eye.

"Wo~w." Rumia marvels at just how fast it burnt up. "I didn't think it was that warm down here…"

Kneeling over the ash, I use my gloved hand to dig through the still-hot remains…

I find a chunk of ruby, slightly marred with ash. Huh.

Stepping away from the unconscious succubus, Shikome has a smug expression.

My backpack is now a size bigger because of that holy pot I shoved into it, which somehow only takes one inventory space despite being the size of my torso. Time to spend another entire inventory space on this tiny jewel...

When everything's said and done, Shikome just begins walking off towards the building in the distance again. Rumia moves to tail her, and I quickly lift my backpack and jog after her…

/ / / / FRECKLE FLUFF FEVER / / / /

This is a _long walk_. I am officially tired of walking.

We're getting closer to the building in the distance, although it does seem to be atop some sort of rocky structure. We're still in the plains, although we're coming up on the rock structure rather aptly…

"So many ro~cks…" Rumia is about as done with the rocks here as I am, despite being able to float. "I can't eat _rocks_. I can't eat trees either, but at least… they're not _rocks_."

We've passed numerous more Tetris structures on the way here, but most of the time they've only had some kind of fluffle nuisance around them, or a particularly angry ghost. The ghosts haven't yet tried to murderize us, however.

Stepping onto the incline towards the palace-esque structure, I continue following Shikome…

 _Shink!_

...It seems that a large blade has descended from above, sticking itself in the cobblestone- only sometimes tiled- path before us.

…

Cla-clink-clang-clank-clack…

Numerous armaments descend from the nothing above. Maces, swords, and spears all clatter to the rocks before us, as well as some identical shields.

I guess someone just dropped their armory from the cave roof, or something. Too bad for them.

...Smiling, Shikome steps forward towards the sword-

It begins glowing, a green outline forming around it.

 _Shink_...

Removing itself from the floor, the sword begins floating into the air…

Blue lights flash all around us, and a brief glance tells me that these blue lights are outlines forming around the other weapons.

As the large, ornate purple blade takes to the air, the other weapons gravitate off the floor, and begin spinning around it.

The end result was a floating sword with four shields postured defensively before it, two maces guarding the shield's flanks, some spears along the rear, and a bundle of scimitars, katanas, and broadswords all orbiting around the central sword.

...Shikome stepped back, folding her arms.

"That's a lotta weapons!" Rumia observes observantly. "They can use themselves, too!"

Is that so.

…

After a moment of inactivity between both parties, the shields of the floating armory spread out, and all of the lesser blades slide from between them, moving for us.

A katana and a broadsword move towards Shikome. She shoots her tendrils at them as they approach in a straight line-

Cla-clank! Promptly, the weapons are knocked from the air, clattering on the rocks before us.

Wo-wo-woosh! Rumia floats up to avoid a spinning scimitar. "He~y…"

Lunging forward, Shikome launches another two tendrils ahead, aiming them for the shields-

Cla-clang! The shields jerk back from the impact, but aren't destroyed with single swipes.

 _Woo-woosh!_ Spears jut out from past the shields without warning, immediately poking Shikome-

"Ngh…" She's pushed back by them, the metal and wood instruments only puncturing her torso partially.

Before she can counterattack, the spears all retract between the shields, and the scimitar that tried to assault Rumia spun away from our party entirely.

Drifting to the side, Rumia claps her hands together-

"Moon Sign! Moonlight Ray!" She decides to pop a spell card _now_ , apparently.

FwiChoo~m, FwiChoo~m! Two blue, persistant lasers are fired to forty-five degree angles from where her hands clapped together, facing the floating armory.

 _Cla-clang-clank-bam!_ Swords, spears, and the flank-guarding maces are instantly disarmed and blown away by these lasers. The shields remain anyway, somehow. They must have tolerance to projectiles and magic...

Revolving rings of tiny danmaku pellets spread out from Rumia, intersecting as they expanded to slowly include the shields.

Pa-pat, pa-pat, pa-pat. The danmaku uselessly patters against the shields…

Running under the armory- which was now just the central blade and the shields- Shikome sends her tendrils up towards the sword.

Two tendrils manage to wrap around the blade of the sword, and start dragging it down-

" _Hyah!_ "

In the next moment, a translucent figure appeared, holding the sword by its hilt. With a pull, it freed the blade from the tendrils, before performing a floaty leap backwards and descending…

On closer examination, the figure seemed to be mostly armor-clad, though she donned no helmet, revealing long black hair and empty eyes.

...Upon landing, she narrowed her eyes at the blade, holding and pointing it straight up-

 _Fwoash!_ The sword soared straight up with sudden, consistent velocity.

...Then, the ghostly wielder flickered out.

…

I suppose she just up and retreated, then. At least she left these weapons behind.

Shikome steps over to a mace to pick it up. Just as she bends over, it slowly floats into the air, before accelerating out of her reach and into the underground sky.

All the other weapons immediately follow suit, taking off like birds. Cool weapons.

"Weapons are getting more advanced every day!" Rumia smiles at the weapons as they fly away. "Bye, weapons!"

Yeah. Goodbye, weapons. We knew thee well.

/ / / / HERE'S SOME WEAPONS / / / /

We have arrived… at the structure. The front is illuminated with dim, clean lights, which accompany the huge, purple double doors.

The palace itself was large, the exterior mostly decorated with faded, sandstone-esque material and ornate patterns that mean little to me. Large open windows were evenly positioned along the front face, although for someone like me it'd be like rock climbing to try and reach them. They're a good twenty feet off the ground...

After giving the large palace front a glance, Shikome steps up to the door and pushes it open.

Crea~k.

...Inside is a stark contrast to the worn-looking exterior. In here, there's a hard floor of some kind of black marble, and the staircase has purple rugging along it.

Now that I think about it, this lobby is sort of similar to the Scarlet Devil Mansion's. However, all the hall openings on the first floor are along the back wall. The overhang also goes around the back and sides of the room, and not just the back.

…

There seems to be a cat girl with short, purple hair standing in the midst of the hallway, her hands propped behind herself innocently. She's got a long green sweater on…

The three of us step inside, ready to commence the trouble.

"Wo~w…!" Rumia is awed by the interior. "It's like a _super mansion!_ "

The cat girl gives us a toothy smile. "Hehe~y! Would you guys like to play a game…?"

"Sure." I nod casually, strutting towards the kitty…

She darts back-

Fwip-fwip-fwip. Three person-sized cards appear before me, all facing away from me.

"Pick a card." The cat girl is very smug.

...After some careful deliberation, I point at the middle card.

It turns around, and there's nothing on it.

Fwoa~sh. The card disappears with a puff of smoke.

"Aw." The cat girl shook her head. "Looks like you'll have to start over."

Fwo-fwoa~sh. The other two cards disappear. She throws her arm out again-

Fwi-fwi-fwip. Three new cards are generated before me, facing away.

…

I point at the left card.

It turns around, revealing a large, shiny yen coin picture.

Fwoa~sh. Cli-clink. Five hundred yen in coins clatters to the floor in its place.

"Lucky~!" The cat girl claps her hands. "Enjoy your prize."

I move to claim my five hundred yen from the floor. Yen prizes…

Standing up, I gaze at the cat…

"Would you like to play again?" She smiles.

I shake my head. "No."

"Aw." She brings her arms around her back again.

"I wanna play!" Rumia exclaims, floating up next to me. She clips my shoulder with one of her outstretched arms, but doesn't seem to notice. "Let's pla~y!"

The cat does a small spin back as she flings her arm-

Fwi-fwi-fwi-fwi-fwip. Five cards were presented to Rumia, facing away.

Almost instantly, Rumia picked the one second to the right. "Thatta one!"

The card turns around, revealing a picture of a flaming clock.

"Aw." Shaking her head, the cat girl shrugs. "Looks like you'll have to try again."

Fwo-fwo-fwo-fwo-fwoash. All five cards vanished into smoke.

...An amber, decorative counter reading 'five' appeared over Rumia's head, which we all instantly noticed, except for Rumia.

"Awwh…" She slouches. "Oka~y…"

The counter reads 'four'.

Snorting, the cat girl threw her arms out again-

Fwi-fwi-fwi-fwi-fwip. Five more cards were presented to Rumia, facing away.

The counter reads 'three'. Shikome stares at it intently, her eyes slowly narrowing…

"U~hm…" Putting a hand to her chin, Rumia focuses this time. "...Hmm~."

The counter reads 'two'. Idly, Shikome tries to stab it with a tendril, only for the tendril to go straight through it with no tangible result.

"That one!" Rumia picks the second from the left this time.

...The card turns around, and is blank.

"Oh, no." The cat shakes her head, smiling widely. "You'll just have to try again."

Fwo-fwo-fwo-fwo-fwoa~sh. The cards all disappear.

The counter over Rumia's head reads 'one'.

"Really…?" Rumia pouts. "Your game's stupid."

In response, the purple-haired cat girl just giggles. "Hehehe~!"

Fwoom. Suddenly, Rumia's form briefly flares up with amber energy, before she does an involuntary mini-backflip.

"Oof…" She ends up landing on her stomach. "...That wasn't very nice."

"Why don't we all play?" The cat girl proposes. "It's fun for everyone!"

"No." I decline.

"No." Shikome declines.

"Sure…" For some reason, Rumia agrees again. "I'm gonna win this time…!"

Pouting, the cat girl nods. "Guess it's just you and me. Here."

She throws her arm out-

 _fwi-fwi-fwi-fwi-fwi-fwi-fwi-fwi-fwi-fwi-fwi-fwi_

...Before Rumia, a wall of twenty cards is set up.

"U~hm…!" Rumia stares up at it, intimidated. "Tha~t's a lot of cards…!"

I feel like the cat's just about done with playing with us.

…

Rumia picks some card. "I think that one…?"

The card flips around, revealing a bunch of question marks.

Fwi-fwi-fwi-fwi-fwi-fwi-fwi-fwi-fwi-fwi…

The other cards all flip around, revealing question marks on every one of them. Cool game.

 _FWOASH_

They all disappear, except for one. The remaining card drops onto its back, and slides under us-

 _Fwoa~sh!_ A shockwave of some kind of generic energy spreads out beneath us-

Oh. Ooh. Woa~h.

" _Hehehe~!_ " The cat girl's voice is echoey. " _Thanks for playing!_ "

...Cool.

I'm stumbling around in the main lobby, my vision unable to focus on one thing at a time as I helplessly stumble about.

"Aa-aah…!" Rumia is left in a similar condition. I try to look at her, but I end up seeing a zoom up of some plant in the corner of the room instead…

"Nnn~..." Shikome lets out a hum of annoyance, stumbling around as well.

I walk into someone-

Thu-thud. We both fall over. Alright.

…

After a moment of sitting down, my vision slowly returns to normal, the proportions of everything correcting, and the lighting levels of the room becoming normal again.

Rumia's currently in her orb of darkness, humping one of the far walls. Shikome's sitting on the floor before me, apparently the person I had walked into.

...Idly, I check my bag, only to find everything still there. Apparently the cat girl just confused us and took off.

Once we get back up, Shikome moves to pry Rumia off the wall…

Rumia drops her darkness orb anyway, lowering to the floor and stumbling off the wall. "That was wei~rd…"

...As she turns around, Shikome whisks her up bridal style- "Wo-woah!" -and begins moving back towards me.

...Rumia looks up at Shikome idly. "Are you gonna make me sleep forever again?"

...After a moment's hesitation, Shikome shakes her head. "No, I won't."

Cuddly.

...

Looking around, I try and gauge where we should-...

"Hello~?"

I see Hana drift in through the double doors, looking around idly. "...Ah! Hello!" She gives us a wave, before floating past us towards one of the deviating hallways.

"Woah!" She flies to the side and hits the wall as a giant brown _thing_ flies out past her. Is that a huge moth…?

...It lands on the floor before my party on all fours. Yes, that is indeed a huge moth, and it has _breasts_.

She looks really smug, for some reason.

Then, she abruptly zips off, moving at absurd speed-

 _Bam!_ She hit herself against one of the walls behind us, but didn't seem to mind.

...Ignoring that, I start to move after Hana, who seems to have progressed down that hall already. Shikome idly follows behind me.

From this end of the hall, I can see Hana knocking on a door. After a moment, it opens and she's let in.

Hmm. I think I know just where to go…

Following Hana's foot steps- and taking my sweet time in doing so- I reach the other end of the hallway where the door she entered is…

Knock knock knock.

…

…

Cool. I knock again.

Knock knock knock.

…

…

I will make this door sorry.

Knock knock knock.

The door swings open violently. "What in the hell do you-..."

Brad jerks his head back at my presence. Slowly, he looks like he starts to go insane…

"Wha~t the fuck du~de!?" Completely, totally insane. "Whaa~h- where the-...!?"

"What are you _yelling_ about…?" ...I would like to know why Maribel is in a bed in the same room as Brad.

"Shut u~p…" Oh, Renko's here, too?

"We must have taken a wrong turn, somewhere." I _speak_. "Like, it's just me and Shikome, walking around in the forest… and we take a wrong turn."

...Brad takes this moment to look shocked to an exaggerated extent. Looking out of the door, he sees my loli, and my loli's loli in the loli's loli arms.

…

"Son." He looks straight at where my eyes are. "I have half a mind to shut this door, stack some fluffles in front of it, and pretend you don't exist."

"But son," I speak _again_ , "we need the party to start. Turn this house into a home."

"This house is already a home…!" Brad throws his arm in the direction of the hall we came down. "We got raped by freakin'... busty moths! How the hell'd you even _find us?_ "

...I'm not sure how I should feel about that busty moth statement.

Regardless… "We had to run from a wild motorcyclist that wanted our heads." I clarify all loose ends. "And we somehow ended up here."

...Shaking his head, Brad looks away. He sighs, giving his hair a brush. "Freakin'... the frik do ya want, anyway? Why are you _here_ , yo~...?"

I guess I didn't answer his question. "We tried to jump over a gap in the forest floor, and fell in, and died."

...Brad just lets his arms ragdoll. "Son, I'm gonna shove fluffles down your shirt."

I suppose everyone's wondering how my life got flipped, turned upside down. Well, a couple of guys who were up to no good started making trouble in my neighborhood…

Actually, no, we're not doing that again.

END OF CHAPTER 64.5

PROTAGONIST: Matthew, the Debatably Sane Outsider, Lord of Edges, Scissor-Slinging Slasher, Insurance Fraud Expert, Used Goods Reseller, Evil Spirit Cultivator, Shrine Maiden Evader, Professional Youkai Developer

PRIMARY WEAPON: Dash Scissors - Succubus training tool. Allows horizontal quick-dashes, for dodging and agility purposes. Doubles as scissors for kinky, cloth-cutting occasions. Or stabbing. Sleek, black design.

OFFHAND ITEMS: [A Single Rubber Glove] - For those moments one needs to touch a live power wire with one hand and fap with the other.

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - Takes up no inventory space, because it is the inventory space. Has nine slots, and is easily accessible.

Steel Scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Quick Scissorang - Non-elemental scissors that are enchanted to return to the owner with ferocity. Not that powerful of a weapon, but combined with strong string it can be used like a powerful grappling hook. Looks like it belongs in a Barbie catalog.

Flame Scissors - Fire-elemental scissors that have an incendiary effect on strike. Boosts fire magic and abilities, as if I had any. Enchanted to grant 20% fire resistance, and reduce discomfort near fire.

Blessed Steel Scissors - Stained lightly with dried blood from a young human female. Sharp, shiny-ish, and to the point! Also blessed...

Steel-alloy String - An experimental item provided by Alice as part of her testing. She uses these herself to manage her dolls, or so I'm told.

A Tuft of Cloth Strings - Pink, regular cotton string. It's soft, and clean.

(two more spaces remaining)

[Backpack] - Allows extended inventory, of twenty slots. Can hold larger items, but it takes longer to pull them out. Items inside are safer. It's also baby barf green.

Hedge Cutters - Rusty lawn pruning tool used by farmers to keep the vile hedges at bay. They're also sharp, so they've probably been used more than once in self-defense.

Dense Shard - A cloudy, very light grey shard. It's not a rock, however… it's too textureless. Perhaps usable as a reagent.

Teal Stone - Cool and refreshing to hold, exuding power of the wind. It's sort of shiny, too. Perhaps usable as a reagent.

Hackjob Rifle - A pseudo-railgun, made from an AK-47 barrel and a mangled toy gun. Laced with duct tape and wires to function, powered by electrical scissors, and uses small iron pellets as ammunition. Explodes violently if fed anything non-iron as ammo. Outside is coated with vegetable oil and must be wetted regularly to avoid violence upon powering up. Has yet to be fired, so power is unknown...

Water Scissors - Scissors that continuously produce water. How troublesome. 

Goldfish Snack Crackers - They're smiling. They might make a good snack...

Modern-ish Surge Protector - Protects against surges. Not very useful without unified electrical practices in housing. Can still be used as a paperweight and a brick, though.

Rubber Pouch - Stores electrical objects safely. Too small to add extra inventory, but doesn't take up any space when it's filled. Currently holding electric scissors.

Electrical Scissors - Must be held by gloves at all times, lest they cause electrical fires. Can cause severe shocking and electricity-induced stunning in individuals susceptible, including myself if I'm stupid. Unable to be turned off.

(twelve more spaces remaining)

==o==

PARTY:

Shikome, the Black Scion of the Saigyou

WEAPON: Dark Tendrils - Able to create tendrils from any part of her body, she can use them for powerful dark/physical attacks.

INVENTORY:

[Defiled Kimono] - Coated in the coagulated blood of numerous unlucky people. Grants pockets.

(two inventory spaces remaining)

==o==

Rumia, Youkai of the Dusk

WEAPON: Unarmed.

INVENTORY:

[Rumia's Outfit] - Some kind of outfit. I'm not sure how Rumia maintains it. Properties unknown. Grants pockets.

Red Ribbon - It's a ribbon in her hair. It's small, too. Takes up no inventory space. Properties unknown.

(two inventory spaces remaining)

==o==

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

didn't make this AU until well after the fact during final proofing - w - whoopsie yo

a lot of fighting here which can be iffy to reread through but i think it'll be cool for readers coming in, especially 'cause they get to see some new and interesting developments with shikome here

also byakuren's not lettin' this go, yo; she's back in HERO MODE again and she ain't stoppin' 'till it's TIME TA STOP yo

if anyone's still confused, the danger scissors 'plus' can basically make random encounters… TRULY RANDOM ENCOUNTERS; enemies from anywhere at any time at all, as long as they're equipped! scaled relative to party power so you could get one beefy lookin' dude or a buncha little ones

...they also don't come allianced or with any context - w - they just HAPPEN

as always, see you all next time!


	82. Orin, Uber Driver of Old Hell

(in which we have several orgies)

Looking back between the room and Matt, I shake my head. "...You just here ta freakin'... loiter?"

...Matt doesn't say anything. Neither do Rumia nor his death loli. Technically both are death lolis…!

S'a good evening. Well, if they're gonna try 'n' freakin wait me out… I'll wait _them_ out!

Grinning, I nod at them as they stand outside silently.

…

 _Bam!_ The door behind them drops off of its hinges and onto the floor.

"Ha~u…" Aw, dude. It's that tall cream haired cat girl from the previous night, except now I can actually see her. She's, uh… taller than I really recognized! Like, seven feet tall! Hoh, shit…!

She steps out into the hallway, and looks around. She _still_ has no clothes on.

...Matt and Shikome turn to her idly.

The tall, somewhat curvy cat girl rubs the sleep from her right eye. "Nnh…"

"Hi, friend." I gaze at the cat girl. Just gonna, uh… let it all hang out, huh? Okay…!

…

We're all just _here_ , but no one wants to do anything…!

Matt takes out a pair of scissors I don't recognize. "I found this."

"Oh, didja…?" I stare at it as he holds it up like a freakin' foreign object.

...Casual evenings, yo.

Ha-chan steps up behind me, out of the bed now. "What's going o~n?" Looking over my shoulder, she sees the friends. "...That's a lot of people!"

Rumia points at her. "You're a people, too!"

Jerking her head back, Ha-chan appears surprised!

We start hearing a jingling noise come down the hallway… like the sound 'a freakin' jewelry.

Matt looks in the direction of the noise. Shikome-... seems to be paying more attention to Rumia than anything else at the moment. Ho hoh…?

I look in the direction of the jingling- and what the fuck is that.

Some kinda freakin'... dancer girl, or something, is strutting down the hallway with jazzy movements. She's almost entirely naked, except for a curiously tiny white bra with heart-shaped pad bits, and a thong that covers just freakin' enough.

She's got these baggy things on her legs that look like jiggling water, although they're more like some kinda beige liquid.

As I look at her pastel blue hair, I notice she's got more of that liquid just revolving around her in fancy patterns, so it's probably actually freakin' water or something similar.

...She's also got this little brass floral crown! The jingling came from these chains of pink, heart-shaped pieces that hung all along her side, some of it flowing in her water-based clothes, and some of it dangling free.

That's sure not intimidating!

After a moment, I catch Mima drifting up out of the floor between Matt and Shikome. Slouching, I turn to her…

Mima just looks around, befuddled. "...Ho~w did I get here?"

"That's what I wanna know…!" I back into the room slightly! That's some shit out there, son!

"I just floated around a _tree_." Mima looked over us blankly "...Now I'm _here_. Where even… where the hell is _here?_ "

"Hell." I nodded warmly.

Matt put those scissors of his away. I got a feeling that has something to do with this…!

"Why are the~re… people?" The tall as hell cat girl was still rubbing the sleep from her eyes. "You… you all don't belong here."

Mima looked the naked cat girl up and down. "...Where the hell am I!?"

That decorated, tan girl with white water clothes began to skip towards our hallway congregation, moving faster.

...Shikome stepped closer to Mima while the ghost faced away from her.

Maybe I should close the door and pretend we went to sleep…!

"Why're you all here…?" Stepping out of the room, the cat girl walked into the midst of all of us.

"I don't know." Mima gave her best, yo. "You tell me."

...The tall cat frowned at her. "Spirit. You-"

"Hello~..." The busty prancing girl with jewelry and freakin' water clothes caught up to us. "...I don't know how I got here… but it's a good thing I did!"

I start backing into the room, only for Matt to start following me in. Son…!

Mima eventually notices how close Shikome got to her. "...What's up with you?"

Shikome leans forward and gives Mima a sniff. "...You smell good."

...Mima just slightly drifts back in response.

I glance over at Matt- who's now in the room with me- and see him just giving his head a tiny, brisk shake. Like, one of them 'why' kinda headshakes.

"Spirit…" The cat girl lumbers up to Mima. "You do not have a place in this palace."

Mima snorts. "...What, you some kinda bouncer? Put on some clothes."

Walking around the ghost, loli, and burly cat, the lewd dancer girl starts progressing towards the door. Ah, freakin'...

Briskly, Matt slides off his mask and hat. "'Cold as hell' is a lie." Pfft. Right?

Ha-chan, Matt, and myself are now like, backed into the middle of the room.

Sliding into our room through the open door, the freakin' lewd dancer girl smiles at us. "Hello~, boys…"

"Son, no." I start to back towards the space between Renko and Maribel's beds…! "Don't do this, son! This ain't yo house, yo!"

She tilts forward. Yes, I know you have _huge tits_. "But… all of you are so _lonely_."

Son, no. No~. Backing up, I begin to take out Hard Winter. "Ahah- no no no, yo. Look, I got friends." I gesture to Maribel's bed.

"Wha~t's going _on?_ For- ugh..." She starts to sit up, looking around… "What. Why?"

Renko throws her covers off, seemingly aware of the situation. "Brad, what _happened?_ "

"We're being raided by a belly dancer!" I inform everyone of the situation that has evolved in the last five seconds! "She's tryina' take us to the _crush_ , son!"

"Eheheh…" Giggling, the belly dancer girl brings a hand to her lips. "...My, my. This is _perfect_."

...I see Matt start to walk around the side-

The girl presses her hands together suddenly, and they begin glowing-

 _Fwuu~sh!_ Before Matt can reach the door, a geyser of beige water erupts from the ground before him, forcing him to stumble back.

"No, no, mister." Spinning around on her heel, she smiles at Matt. "Your heart is aching. I can feel it."

...Matt just shakes his head, staring at her neutrally.

"Maribel, grab ya shit!" I give Maribel some directionifications while I try to diffuse the situation by stepping forward a little…!

The girl starts walking towards Matt in a straight line, her water flowing around herself. "You won't ever be lonely again…"

As Matt backs away and she continues to playfully strut towards him, I kneel down and slam Hard Winter into the floor. "Tundra~!"

 _Kri~ng!_ A spike of ice erupts where she's gonna go!

Woosh. The belly dancer girl just takes to the air, and hovers over the spike. No, fuck you…!

Matt slides out a pair of slick, black lookin' scissors as she approaches him.

Maribel steps up next to me, holding Porcelain Mirror! "Alright…!"

Renko's standing atop her bed, wielding those scissors of hers.

 _Fwish!_ Matt slides to the side to avoid getting a face full of whatever that white water is.

Rotating in the air as if she's sitting on a swivel chair with her legs crossed, the belly dancer girl continues to float towards Matt, if only to get back towards the center of the room. "C'mo~n, everyone… why aren't you having fun? It's the season of harvest dancing!"

"It ain't the season 'a shit!" I retort!

Matt leaps onto Renko's bed and jumps off on our side. Renko does similarly, except distances herself closer to Ha-chan at the front of the room.

Ha-chan's just been kinda watching the belly dancer with a mixed expression…

Marching forward as the belly dancer lets herself land on the bed, I hold my arm up. "Guess what, yo, guess what?"

...At that, she leans down from atop the bed, giving me way too good of a view. "What's that, boy?"

Casting my arm forward, I summon a crusty pillow to whap her in the face!

Poof. It lands on her head.

...A glob of water moves to bash it off, revealing a pouty expression on her face once the pillow's displaced. "I just want you to be honest with yourselves. That surely can't be an evil thing…"

"What do you mean…?" Maribel raises her hanger defensively, moving up next to me. "Why're you here?" I guess those are some good questions to start with!

...Standing upright, the belly dancer girl looks away. "...If I would have to say, I'd say it was the Lord's plan for me to bring you all together."

Alright son. Alright. Alright, son! Freakin'- aaah, aaa~h!

Stepping towards her- even closer than I dared ta go- Matt holds his own arm into the air. Oo~h, does he have a drop-and-frik spell, too?

The belly dancer looks down at him. "Oh? Would you like to dance with-"

 _Vrrrr~!_ A saw blade materializes above Matt!? Holy shit- oh right, he could do that. Still, holy shit!

It falls towards the belly dancer-

She claps her hands together, her arms glowing-

 _Plap!_ Thick globs of beige liquid slam into the broad sides of the saw blade; even the liquid comprising the 'bags' on her legs rush to defend her.

 _Vrrrr~!_ The saw blade tears into the creamy liquid, causing it to spritz and spray all over the room. Slowly, it began to slow down, though…

Cool, now we got freakin'... white liquid mist in the air! The water _does_ feel a little good in all this heat, though.

...After a good couple seconds, the saw blade slowed to the point the belly dancer was able to gravitate it off to the side.

Cli-clink-clank. She dropped it off the side of the bed, allowing it to clatter against the floor. Then, her goo started to return-

 _Whack!_ I dash up and hit her ankle! Noo~b!

Some mana prizes splay out on the bed as a result. Yo~.

"Aww~..." She pouts at me, not entirely fazed. "I just want you to all feel good together."

I dash back before her liquid can come back and hit me or something-

She drifts in the air towards me oh fuck. Seemingly sliding in the air, she follows me as I return to Maribel's side-

Maribel raises her hanger! "Reflect!"

 _Ti~ng!_ Before she can do some crazy limbo dancer bullshit, Maribel's sphere barrier defends me from actual harm!

"Oh…!?" Merely impacting with the barrier makes the girl bounce back, and do a fucking grandiose backflip. Holy shit…! "Aww~."

 _Fwa-fwa-fwam!_ As Maribel's barrier dropped, the resulting knockback blasts released by the shards didn't hit anything in particular.

...For some reason, I feel like the temperature rose again. Freakin'~... if we weren't fighting a watery girl, I'd be hosing us down right now.

"Yo, noob!" I yell at the noob! "I'm gonna take your freakin' floaty dancin' skills, and push 'em somewhere else!"

She giggles. "Hehehe~!" Freakin'...!

Crossing her legs, she sits in the air again as she presses her hands together. Oh, boy…

Renko's moving around the side of the room, trying to flank the belly dancer. I look back at the door-

Matt's there, but it's shut and glowing. Aww. When the hell'd that even _happen?_

 _Fwuuu~sh!_

Ho~h, shit! Geyser right next to me!

Springing my back, I distance myself before any water actually really gets on me. The few splashes that _did_ get on me were freakin'... they left this weird sorta warm sensation where they hit me.

...Oh, that geyser literally generated under Maribel. Woah no.

Thu-thud. After being juggled briefly, Maribel landed on her back, soaked. "Ah-aah…" Oh, boy. Our defense spammer is down…!

Turning her head, the belly dancer noticed Renko, who froze at the youkai's gaze. "Hehe. No." She snapped her fingers-

 _Fwoom!_ An orb of light generated at Renko's position, flinging her back as it expanded right before her. "Gah…!?"

Thu-thud. Renko landed on her butt a few feet away. "Me-Merry…!"

Looking between Maribel and the freakin' wannabe genie, I reach into my bag, and take out Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber! "Yo, asshole!" I call out to her!

She raises a brow at me.

I reel my arm back, and chuck Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber at her.

Looking smug, she raises a hand to catch it as it twirls towards her. It lands in her hand perfectly-

 _Boom!_ Wahaha~! Got owned!

"Awah!?" She was not actually flung by the blast, but she flinched heavily! Lotsa her water went splashing onto the bed she was drifting over, too!

The hanger dropped onto the bed as a result of her post-explosion flailing. Ho ho!

Slowly, Maribel began to get onto her legs next to me, her knees shaking as she did so…

Turning to her, I got up close. "Yo, you 'aight?"

"Nnh…" Grunting, she managed to stumble onto her legs next to me. "I-I…"

...I keep my gaze on her, 'cause she doesn't look alright. Her face is all flushed, and-

Dropping her hanger, she lunges forward and latches to my arm. O~h, shit. "A-ah…"

"Freakin'...!" I start to dig into my bag for a Panacea. _That's_ what that warm feeling from the water is! She's casting horny shit on us!

And then-

 _Bam!_ What the frik!?

One of the portions of wall on the rightmost segment of room explodes, Shikome soaring inside.

The belly dancer's eyes widen. "Ooh…!?"

Ploop. Shikome ended up colliding with a protective shield of water the belly dancer formed before herself…

Renko runs past the rubble to reach us as Mima floats in through the hole. "You don't just… put stuff in my _throat!_ I don't even have tastebuds anymore, but- ackh…! Pftoo!" Mima 'spits' to the side, but nothing comes out because she's a dead girl.

Renko reaches us! "Merry- are you alright…!?"

Maribel's becoming one with my arm right now, struggling to stand.

Renko puts her arms on one of her shoulders. "Merry. _Merry_ , are-"

Whirling around, Maribel slammed her face into Renko's. "Mmph…!?"

I got my Panacea out!

...Shikome slowly sinks out of the belly dancer's liquid, landing on the bed in upright sitting posture.

 _Boom!_ Holy fuck…! We really _were_ taken to the crush! People just keep throwing down the walls!

"Come _back!_ " That seven foot tall kitty burst through a different section of the wall- and holy _shit_. She looks at least fifty percent more intimidating now than she did earlier! She's got _lines_ on her face and shit, now! Also- her hair's so long it freakin' goes down to her feet and then some!

"Aah…" Renko broke Maribel from her lips. "Merry- stop!"

I grab onto Maribel myself, guarded so she can't molestigate me. Once I do that, Maribel turns around, and freakin' glomps me. "Oh shit!" I~ am not known for my physical strength normally…!

Ha-chan hugs me from behind. "Bra~d-ku~n…" Wat, no. You didn't even- what is this…!?

I am trapped between two girls send help. Freakin'-...!

Matt's sitting by the locked door, curled up into a ball. "Everything has gone wrong." ...You're not helping! Fucking- do something…! You murder people, that's your _thing!_ Aaa~h!

The belly dancer's dim blue eyes flare at the presence of a buncha dark youkai at once. "You unholy spawn shall leave this _instant_. The _Lo~rd_ sent me here to- aanh…!?"

Instantly, Shikome leapt off the bed and glomped her, causing both to unceremoniously twirl around in the air, bouncing off the back wall.

Maribel starts trying to climb up onto my chest- freakin'...

With the still-equipped Hard Winter, I give myself a strength buff!

I tilt my head to the side- "Mmm~..." Maribel plants a kiss on my cheek, holding it. Freaking…

Wait, holy shit! I don't even need this Panacea, I got that crappy hanger that cleanses people! Fuck yeah!

...I'm not in a position to freakin'- oh, Maribel literally just low key took the Panacea away from me. Well, shit.

Cli-clink. The bottle lands on the ground, but doesn't break 'cause it rolls off her shoe. The _one_ lucky thing that happens.

"Yeah, yeah- _scat_." Mima sends a wave of energy at the ultra tall cat-

"Ngh…!" The cat girl just stumbles back, before steeling herself and charging forward with her arms raised defensively. "Rnh…!"

Mima drifts forward to avoid her. "You _stupid-_ "

As the Shikome and belly dancer tussle rolls through the air, Shikome's tendrils lash out for Mima, grabbing onto her arm… somehow.

"The hell!?" Mima's eyes widen at this. "You _fucking-_ "

"Anh!?" The belly dancer exclaims something for some reason! "Ooh!"

 _Splash!_ One of her water globs erratically departs from her form, and slams Renko. "Ahh…!?"

Dropping Hard Winter, I slide out Fragile Flower- oh my god this was not a good idea I feel so-

"C'mo~n…" Maribel whines against me. She tries to climb onto me again, and we actually freakin' stumble back because Ha-chan can't hold us and I can't support myself anymore either.

"Aah…!?" Ha-chan barely keeps us from falling the fuck over! Man, Fragile Flower sucks even _with_ the freakin' buff from Hard Winter.

...Renko starts stumbling towards us. Hopefully I can break free if she glomps the fuck outta us…

"You _fucking…!_ " Mima tries to drift back, two tendrils wrapped onto her, one around her arm and one around her waist. "I've fought tentacle fuckers before!"

Idly, Rumia seems to drift in through the hole in the room's wall. "Why're you all _yelling…?_ "

" _Nya~hn!_ " Something's happening to that belly dancer, but I dunno what! I'm not sure if I wanna know what! I probably know what, though…

That big cat girl- probably freakin'... a _lion_ considering her look- was strafing around Shikome's- I don't even know what's going on over there. It's a big rape ball or something! Holy Christ!

Renko glomps Maribel from behind. "I-I love you, Merry…!"

As a result, Ha-chan goes sliding backwards, too much force exerted on our pile!

Thu-thu-thud. She ends up tipping us all onto our side, Maribel holding me by my waist, and Renko hugging her back, and Ha-chan holding me by my freakin' arms.

Raising Fragile Flower, I aim it at Maribel before she can do anything weird…! "Tha-that's enough of this shit...!"

Channeling mana into Fragile Flower, I shout the spell in case it needs that. "Cleanse!"

Fwo-fwoosh. White swooshes of energy spread around her form, before fading. "Ah-aah…?" Her grip on me loosens! Yo ho ho~!

" _Nuoo~h!_ " The belly dancer is experiencing some _shit_. Look- it involves tentacles, that's all I know, and I don't care! I don't care…!

 _Splash! Spla-splash, splash!_ White globs of water start splashing across the room erratically-

 _Fwuu~sh!_ A bed is thrown aside by a white geyser-

 _Fwuu~sh!_ Holy fuck! That was the wall! The _wall!_

...We're soaked again. Fuck. I'm soaked!

Pointing the hanger at myself, I bare my teeth. "Cleanse!"

Fwo-fwoosh. I feel my body heat rapidly lower as the holy energy runs across my form…

"Br-Brad…" Ha-chan suddenly starts pushing forward like an _asshole_ -

Maribel's still hugging my waist, 'cause she got splashed _again_ by that freakin' geyser!

Renko's starting to cling to Maribel tightly-

This visual. This visual I see right now cannot be describe with words, so I'm just gonna make it not exist anymore. Maribel's hugging my waist a little too tightly, let's leave it at that…

...She's got her face- nope! Not describing it, just gonna deal with it!

"Cleanse!" I aim down at Maribel…!

Fwo-fwoosh. She is no longer super horny!

"Whah…?" She's kinda out of after all of that, though. Her face moves away from my- oh yeah let me just- oh fuck.

I stumble to the side, Ha-chan's arms around my shoulder. Renko pushes Maribel to the ground and off of me as I stumble away from her, leaving me free to deal with the other bullshit going on…

Matt's still sitting in front of the door. You motherfuck-

The door swings open, Matt being gently pushed aside by it.

Satori peeks in, looking around…

"M~wah!" Ha-chan kisses my neck from behind. "Bra~d…!" Jesus fuck. Must not lewd the fairy.

"What- oh, n-no…" Maribel's currently being groped by Renko, who's lying atop her back.

"Me-Merry…" Renko, please.

I look over at Shikome…

Mima has both her arms bound, but she seems to be resisting by generating stationary orbs of fire where she can. "Back! Back- no~. _No~_. Off." A new tendril reaffirms itself around her waist, where the last one Mima warded off left off. "Fuck."

That lion girl was standing back defensively, her guard up but unwilling to do anything to the rape ball. I~... don't blame her.

...Oh-oh fuck, my strength buff wore out-

Ha-chan promptly twirls me around like a ragdoll, and lunges for my face- "Mmm…!"

Holy shit holy shit holy shit…! Summary: Ha-chan's lips, my lips. Situation's dire…!

I pull back-

The fairy's hand presses against the back of my head, keeping mine locked in place. Christ…

I jab Fragile Flower into her gut, which doesn't seem to do much. You know what…?

Dropping Fragile Flower, I push her with my unmodified strength-

"Anh…" The kiss is finally broken, letting me get freakin' air. "Br-Brad-"

I push her again, and she actually gets the hell off!

Crouching, I grab Fragile Flower and use my legs to push me away-

Ha-chan pounces on my torso, but it's too late, yo. Aiming my hanger at her, I cast! "Cl-cleanse…!"

Fwo-fwoosh. The holy magic runs up her from, the white swooshes running along her limbs.

…

Ha-chan continues to crawl up my torso, before getting to my face again. "Brad-ku~n…"

Motherfuck. This isn't even magically induced anymore…!

I look in the doorway, and still see Satori there. Are you-... are you just _watching?_ When I get outta this-

Ha-chan gives me a more innocent kiss this time. Geez…

When I get outta this, Satori, I'm gonna find yo goddamn ass and I'm- maybe I should do something about Shikome…

"St-stop, Renko~..." Maribel weakly protests as her friend rolls her over.

"I love you, Merry!" Renko reaffirms the premise.

Aiming Fragile Flower at her, I break the kiss with Ha-chan. "Cl-cleanse…"

Fwo-fwoosh. The magic runs up Renko's form, too, cleansing her freakin' sins…

...Once it's done, Renko just rolls onto her back and off of Maribel. "Ha~h…"

Okay…

"C'mo~n…" Ha-chan gets in my face again. "Kissing feels good…"

"Ah- hold on…" I put my fairy on pause, yo. She's sensible now, at least!

Aiming my hanger at Shikome, I cast the _good spell_ again. "Cleanse."

Fwo-fwoosh. White energy swooshes around on Shikome's form, and occasionally through her tendrils.

All them tendrils just _stop_.

...Mima burns through a few, makin' herself free. "Hah! Fuck yeah! Eat it!" Grinning, she gives the rape ball a middle finger as she drifts back… "Some Makai shit right there."

Rumia was cautiously drifting outside of the room for awhile, now…

All the writhing and idle tendrils freeze up.

"Nnh…!?" The belly dancer's still makin' noise.

"You…" I hear Shikome speak words! " _Fucking…_ " Oh, shit, that- " _ **Harlot!**_ "

Cr-crack! A tendril roars from the dancer's mouth-

Crack- _rii~p!_ A cluster of five more tendrils erupt out of the belly dancer's stomach in one big spike.

Shi-shi-shink! Tendrils stick out all along the dancer's body like freakin' needles, including out of weird places like her legs. Holy fucking-

Cr-crack! Crack- krik, krik…

Healthy noises.

 _Rhii~p!_ A flourishing mass of tendrils erupts from the dancer, her entire body cleaved into multiple parts and left to tumble about.

I respond to the shower of red liquid and tendrils quite aptly, I'd like to think. " _Huoaaaa~h!_ "

Ha-chan screams at the sight, too. " _Kyaaa~h!_ "

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

That was a _fucking_ riot.

"Cleanse." I held my hanger over Renko again. "Cleanse." I passed by Maribel again, too. "Cleanse." Ha-chan for good measure, and- "Cleanse." -there, cleaned myself up. Our aphrodisiac soaked clothes keep making us horny again, so I have to keep fixing us up.

...I look over at Shikome- "Cleanse." -and purify her again before something weird happens. Her clothes are soaked in all kinds of shit, but now they are also soaked in aphrodisiac.

She's just got her arms folded, eyes narrow but not looking at me in particular.

…

I look over at Satori expectantly.

Satori's got a guilty look on her face. "...I know. I shouldn't have let this happen. This is my fault."

I hold a hand up, but before I can say anything, a friend does.

"Why do you have a, like…" Maribel holds her arms up in disbelief! " _Belly dancer_ pet? I-I mean, she's dead now, but…"

"I didn't own her." Satori states. "I have no idea how she got here."

Maribel doesn't seem to buy that. "Oh, yeah? What about… her?" She points over at Mima.

"I dunno how I got here." Mima confesses. "I was aboveground last time I checked. I went around the wrong tree and then I was getting raped by a tentacle monster. Satori, the hell you running down here?"

Satori just sighs. "...There's one individual here who can easily simplify the explanation process."

Ha-chan gets near me again, and latches onto my arm. If she tries molesting me again, I'll be fine with it, if only because there should be minimal chance of a freakin' orgy that we might regret breaking out.

Looking over at Matt, Satori points a finger at him. "He carries a pair of scissors that causes him to randomly encounter enemies from any biome."

…

At first, Maribel furrows her brows, but after she locks her gaze on Matt, she does a single, slow nod. "Ooh."

…

"When'd _he_ get here!?" She suddenly became energetic, pointing at him too! "Wha- how!?"

Matt slid his hands into his pockets. "...I exercise my right to a fair and speedy trial."

"Nevermind." Renko shook her head. "...I'm still kinda peeved about the interruptions, but I guess _him_ suddenly showing up is a good excuse."

Yeah. Still…

I lock eyes with Satori. "Why in the name 'a sweet baby Jesus, did you just _stand there?_ "

…

She uncomfortably grabbed her right arm with her left, and fidgeted. "That is entirely my fault. I have no excuse."

…Oof. I kinda feel bad for pressin' on that, now…!

"Indeed." Matt presses. "So why did you, when it would have been beneficial to do otherwise?"

Maribel turned to him, before rolling her eyes. "She was probably just frazzled… _especially_ after that girl got ripped to pieces and had her blood scattered across the room..."

...Renko glanced over at Shikome, but said nothing.

"It's entirely a problem of my own design." Satori does a little bow. "I recognize this, but cannot reveal the problem. I apologize."

I wave it off. "Aah, you probably would've saved us before we fucked each other. Right, yo?"

Satori blinks. "...Yeah."

...Oh. Hell, if you can read my mind, why'd you show _hesitation?_ Oh, well. Getting raped by Maribel and Renko wouldn't have been the worst ending, but avoiding it was pretty slick on my part, yo.

...Maribel exhaled, her cheeks growing warmer. "I'm getting hot, again. Help."

I raise my hanger. "Cleanse." Maribel heale~d…

Satori raises her hand to help me out. "Purify."

A plus sign shaped yellow sigil blooms under us-

Fwoo~m! Golden swooshes travel across all our forms, cleansing our statuses all at once. Yo ho ho!

…

Rumia drifts by Shikome idly, only for Shikome to reach out and glomp her to herself. "Oof…!"

"In my honest opinion," Mima spoke up, "you kids shoulda just had sex. That aphrodisiac stuff actually does a good job at additional tries, yeah?"

...And freakin'-

"How'd _you_ know?" Maribel smirks at her. "You ever try it before?"

"Oh? Yeah." Mima confesses. "Never actually seen an apsara in person before, but their water's pretty sexy stuff. You kids shoulda just jumped on each other when ya had the chance."

Freakin'...

...Ha-chan gives me a random peck on the cheek. Is she just going to keep kissing me from now on…? That's… not bad.

"Well..." Sighing, Maribel looks down at herself. "Now I'm all wet with this stuff… and I saw someone die."

Renko snorts. "You say that, but we didn't see the pool of blood and stuff until after the fact."

Maribel gives her a dry look. "Yeah, that's a _lot_ better."

Apsara's the name of the species, huh? I'll… keep that in mind!

Anyway, yeah, this one got freakin' annihilated, though. Nothing but rubble! It was still kinda a shock to me 'cause I'd never seen _people parts that close before son_. Nor quite so disjointed! Wet girls kinda make up for it, though.

I've also since recollected all my equip items and that Panacea and stuff.

"Should I clean you all off?" Satori proposes.

Maribel looks like she's about to object, but curiosity gets the best of her. "...How're you gonna do that?"

 _Fwi~sh!_ Barely luminescent barriers flash to life at the ends of the hallway, and at the door into the room. Then-

 _Fwuu~sh!_ The segment is immediately filled with water! I hold my breath as it rises with stupid speed!

…Holy shit! My eyes are shut, yo. _Shut_. Freakin'-

 _Fwoo~sh._ The water all poured out of somewhere really quickly.

"Ha~h…" I take a breath once I'm free! Also- freakin'... water in my face! Aah!

"...That works." Maribel parts her hair from her eyes.

Renko crouches to retrieve her now waterlogged hat from the floor. "...That just kinda happened."

Oof…

As Satori begins walking, the cheap barriers she threw up flicker out of existence. "I believe I know how to make it up to you all. Follow me."

Idly, Maribel and Renko begin to follow behind her. Matt shrugs and moves behind her as well, prompting Shikome to move after a delay.

As I pass the room to move after them, I look in to see the tubby lion from earlier mopping up the remains of the freakin' _crush_ yo.

Mima floats down out of the ceiling next to me, apparently having ducked out when I wasn't looking… or perhaps while I was getting soaked. "Wow. This place has a _lot_ of just _rock_."

"It _is_ a temple, or palace. Freakin'..." What's the difference anyway, yo?

Mima rolls her eyes. "No shit. Nah, this sprawling stone and mineral complex is obviously a department store."

...This water _does_ help keep me cool though, yo.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We're now in the midst of some big room with a blue carpeted floor, after moving down a couple hallways and a _staircase_. This place has more stairs than just in the lobby...!

Big deposit box-esque devices line the walls. This must be some kinda storage room…

Cla-cla-clank! Three boxes slammed open, from three different walls. From them, some gems began floating out…

"Here." Satori lays some colored gems out on the table before us. "I have an abundance of jewels, as it is. Please, take one, the each of you."

Immediately, Matt begins to step forward-

"Except for _you_ and your… friend." Satori gives Shikome a focused stare.

Mima begins to float forward-

"You're not even supposed to be here." Satori tiredly addresses the spirit.

"No, fuck you." Mima continues to float for the gems. "I'm here so I'm taking something home."

At that, Satori folded her arms. "...Tell me something."

Mima was looking over the selection of gems idly. "Sure."

"Who is your greatest enemy?" Satori asked of her.

...Mima rose a brow, before picking up a ruby. "The hell's it ta you? Or are you gonna start some kinda stupid villain rant? 'Cause I know _all_ about stupid villain rants." Yeah, you _would_ know, wouldn't you…?

...At that, Satori nodded. Then, she darted back! "Youkai Buster!" Three ofuda slid out from her dress sleeves!

Mima jerked her head back! "What the fuck!?"

 _Woosh!_ Satori sent the three ofuda flying forward in straight, trail-accented lines towards Mima-

Mima spun out of the way, casting the ruby onto the table for some reason. Staring at Satori in disbelief, she began drifting to the side…

"I could show you some of her spell cards, too." Satori proposed. "Or would you like to do things quietly?"

...Mima promptly began grinning. "So the things they said 'bout you were true, then. Real shame you can't do shit on your own, though."

...Holding up her arm, Satori casts another thing. "Azure."

Fwoom. A pad of pastel blue magic appears under Mima, and flares up.

Mima smirks, not at all affected by the magic. "Sorry, baby. Silence resistance kicks ass."

While the two argue and stuff, Maribel and Renko progress to the table of gems, as well as Matt. Honh, honh…

Stepping up to the table myself, I examine the plethora of colors…

Ha-chan parts from my arm and picks up a topaz. "This one's really pretty…!"

Matt ends up swiping a black jewel before I can really look at it. Yeah, that'd figure, wouldn't it?

Picking up a brown one, I nod at it. "It's fluffy…"

...Looking over at the girls, I see Maribel looking at a lavender one, and Renko looking at a deeper purple.

Hmm. Brown gem, or cyan gem? It's obvious that brown'll help me with rocky earth stuff… or maybe I should be thinking about that green gem. The green one's probably more dynamic… or I could double down on ice even more. I dunno, I wanna see if I can get a better Gaia Seed spell. Making enemies tired's cool shit, yo, cool shit.

Putting the brown gem down, I pick up the green one. Hoh.

...Looking over at Shikome, I see she's just watching us idly, still looking not very happy. Rumia's looking around curiously quietly in her arms, but she seems fluffy.

Looking up, I see Satori's outfit has curiously changed tints to more resemble Mima's. "I would appreciate it if you didn't-"

"You said you had plenty!" Mima objects! "Like- a ruby. Will you let me take a ruby? Do I need to go mine out a person-sized vein of ruby before you let me take rubies or something?"

...Satori sighs. "Fine. You may take _a_ ruby."

"...Thank you." Nodding, Mima floats forward and claims the ruby. Then, she holds it up in Satori's face. "You see this? My ruby now. _My_ ruby."

...Satori seems to be trying to contain her amusement at that action.

"I think this makes up for it." Maribel nods at her lavender gem. "This probably goes for a lot on the outside, so I think this went well."

...Stepping back from the table, Renko grins. "You're a sellout, Merry."

"It's not like I have to ask for my virginity back or anything." Maribel counters, grinning back at her. "You were pretty frisky, though."

"Shut up." Renko looks over at Matt, before letting the situation go to gaze at her jewel. "...But, yeah, I'd say this was worth losing half a night of sleep and almost raping each other."

I was he who saved the day, yo! Ho ho~!

"There's an open room I can send you all to." Satori informs us. "...I'll have to pull a few strings, but it'll be fine."

"Cool." Mima starts floating into the floor. "I'm gonna go start trouble." A~nd she's gone.

...Satori just blinks at the floor where Mima left.

A pink light appears before me!

...Ha-chan hesitantly moves to hug it, and phases right through it. The light starts to move towards the door out of the room.

"As always, that light will take you where you need to go." Satori informs us. "...I'll make sure Orin doesn't leave without you tomorrow."

"Cool, yo." I start strutting after the light…

"I must collapse." Matt moves with me to go after the light. "This day has come to an end." Hoh…

"If we get almost raped again, I'm making you drink that horny water." Maribel threatens Satori!

"...Sure." Satori's fine with this. Wahaha!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

This is indeed a big room! It has a myriad of western style beds and cat beds… I think we musta freakin' commandeered this room from some cats or something.

Soft yellow light beams down from the ceiling as we all find some beds-

Matt immediately becomes one with one of the few western beds.

...Then, he props himself onto his arms, since he got onto it via bellyflop. "This bed is still warm."

Fairly tired myself, I move over and flop onto the other one of three western beds.

…

Maribel walks over to it and gently begins pushing me off. "I'm not taking a kitty bed…" No~.

...I thud softly against the floor, because Maribel succeeds. Promptly, she claims the bed…

Getting back up, I see Renko's claimed the other bed. You'd think Renko and Maribel could just freakin' double up… these ain't terribly small beds, either! Unlike the other guest room, these beds are like, king-sized!

...And so are the cat beds, holy shit. Bi~g!

Oh man, yo. Aside from the absence of pillows, Merry and Renko are missin' out yo. Running towards the central cat bed, I dive onto it-

Oof. Bellyflop, yo…

…

I see Shikome jump up onto the other deluxe cat bed, Rumia still in her arms. After standing atop it for a moment, Shikome just flops backwards.

Ha-chan crawls up next to me. "Hello…!"

"Hi." I turn to her.

...

She bumps against my flank in an attempt to tip me over, but I don't!

I bump her back, and she tips over. Ho ho ho!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

…

…

Oof- what- what the frik. Something just bamboozled me…

Oh, well. Maybe if I sleep it'll- ow, nope. It's stickin' around…

"Nn~gh…" I express my rage, yo.

Blinking my eyes open, I look around. Ha-chan's currently hugging me, and we're lyin' side by side, except Ha-chan's still conked.

Idly, I check and make sure my bag is still there, and it is. Honh…

"Get up." Maribel's throwing _somethings_ at me. "Lazy bum."

I raise my hand into the air! "Aa~nh. Freak, i~n…"

Ha-chan yawns, son. "Maa~u…" Chemical breath! I'm a bit used to it by now, though. Honh. Still, yo… I needta ask Eirin for some breath sweeteners.

Sitting up, I notice half of the roof has apparently been mined out into the rock above. What.

...Oh, Maribel's tossing popcorn at me. Friend...

After another popcorn piece beans me in the head, I start to rise. "I'm up, yo, I'm up…"

Clambering outta the _big cat bed_ , I stumble around a bit. "So, uh… what happened to the roof?"

Maribel gestures forward, promptin' me ta look ahead…

Matt's standing at the door with his arms folded, Satori in the doorway. Shikome's standing next to him with Rumia in her arms, some kinda staticy ring around her…

"It's interesting." Satori points how how interesting something is…! "Your thoughts are of such a jumbled level that I cannot read them." She seems ta be speakin' ta Shikome over there… "Although, I can hear _pieces_."

Shikome doesn't respond, instead idly attempting to walk forward while rotating in place, only for the static ring to keep her still.

...Then, Satori looks over at Matt. "Who is she?"

...He doesn't audibly respond.

Renko munches on some of her own popcorn. "I didn't realize how fitting this'd be when I got it…"

...For awhile, things are just quiet. Good for wakin' up, yo…

...Since Maribel is near the deluxe cat bed, I reach my hand in and take some of her popcorn.

She pouts. "He~y."

After Matt and Satori have their stare off, Satori sighs. "I suppose it doesn't matter to me. Even so…"

She points up at the roof. "She tried to tear apart the roof. I also find her being in direct relation to the Saigyou more than a little worrying."

Yeah, about what I expected. I mean, Saigyou's kinda a big name, but death lolis are death lolis, dude.

...Matt speaks to her with his _mind_ , dude. Oof.

Shikome attempts to jump to get out of the bind she's in, only to end up suspended in the air briefly before being allowed to land. It's like she's making the jumping motions but not going up, which is kinda cuddly!

"Do many other people know of this?" Satori stares at Shikome, but doesn't approach. "...Not that it's my business, of course."

...Matt exists.

Man, I need some water. Oh ho ho ho…

"I see." Nodding, Satori folds her arms. "...If she's really withholding that information, I don't think it's my place to do anything."

With that, Satori turns around and begins leaving. "...Just don't mine out my roof again to make a place fit for you."

...Shikome probably would've folded her arms if she didn't have a snug Rumia. The darkness youkai was somehow still asleep, too.

…

After Satori was gone for some seconds, the bind ring around Shikome died, allowing her to move free.

That went better than I anticipated!

"Huh." Renko nods at that, walking around aimlessly a bit. "That went better than I expected."

What time even is it? Help, no.

"It's too late for this shit." Matt shakes his head, moving back for his bed…

"But it's morning." Renko objects from our peanut gallery.

...Ignoring her, Matt goes to flop onto the bed.

A pink orb lights up in the air before us. Ho ho!

It drifts out the door, moving through Shikome to do so. She continues to stand in the way of the door...

…

"Should we~...?" Maribel is about as equally unsure whether or not we should bypass the murder loli. I mean, she _looks_ soft… although her kimono's like _brown_.

...Ha-chan springs off the bed! "I will clear the way!" Woah no.

Strutting forward, Ha-chan casually approaches Shikome…

...Shikome turns to her once she approaches.

"Hello!" Ha-chan greets her!

…

Shikome stares ahead at the open door again. Rumia shifts a little, which immediately draws her attention!

With that, Ha-chan walks past her, and makes it out the door. My fairy friend happens to have more balls than the three of us combined…!

...

That's it, yo, I gotta get this ball rollin'.

Jogging over to Matt's bed, I run in place! "Get up up up, son! It's world war _noobs!_ "

...He's still _dead_ , dude.

Stepping back, I raise my hand into the air… and cast it down.

Poof. A crusty pillow lands on his bed, but only _near_ his face. Freakin'... I'm gonna bury him, yo!

Raising my hand again… I cast it back down-

Poof. Hoohehehe! That makes two, son.

"Okay." Renko is vain about my strategy.

"He's gonna make burgers out of you." Maribel annotates from the sidelines. Aah, let him, yo. If I die, dude, I die.

Raising my arm again, I cast down another crusty pillow onto this world!

Poof. Three's a crowd, son.

Alright, this time I'll just bomb his face, 'cause this is takin' awhile to bury him. Raise hand…! Focus on making a floofy pillow, a~nd toss!

Poof. This pillow lands _on_ his face.

Instantly, he starts flailing his limbs, the other pillows getting flung off of him. Wahaha!

In an effort to look innocent, I move next to the closest girl and half-face her.

Springing out of the bed, Matt looks over at me, well aware of what I've done. Wahohoh!

"... _Son_." He calls me out, yo.

"Yo ho ho~!" I turn away from the girls to face him! "What's goin' on, man? Need more pillows, man _?_ Man?" Man, man.

...Givin' me a _stare_ , he shakes his head and continues towards the door. Mission success, son!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After everything was said and done, by which I mean walking to the front of the manor while trailing behind Matt and his doom loli, we arrived at the front lobby!

Orin's here! So is her wheelbarrow…!

"Cat." Matt notices she's a cat friend.

"She's _snug_." I ensure him.

"...How're there _more_ of you?" Orin furrowed her brows. "Ah, it'll be fine." That's gonna be a cuddly wheelbarrow ride…

"Where've _you_ been?" Maribel questioned Orin. "I didn't see you around the whole time we were here."

Orin giggled. "Hehe. Well, y'know… it'sa big palace!" ...She's not wrong! "You all ready ta go, kids?"

"Yeah." Maribel nods. "I'd like to see sunlight again." Silence of the daylight, yo.

"Mmm." Renko agrees with that. "That was pretty fun, minus the whole almost getting raped thing."

Orin blinked. "What happened now?"

"Nothing important." With that, Renko moved towards the wheelbarrow, and began to climb in. Yeah, yo, nothing important.

Snorting, Orin nods it off. "Okay…!"

Maribel climbs in next, throwing herself into the wheelbarrow before further readjusting herself. "Hngh…"

I hop in next! A~nd, hup!

Thu-thud. I'm in, yo. Oof…

"Nice job." Maribel gazes at me as I start to readjust myself to actually be in sitting posture. "You're scrawny enough to fit between my legs, right?"

Son, don't say things like that, they're bad for my hormones. "Ahah, yeah, yo." Especially where last night is concerned! Aaa~h, aaa~h!

...Oh, Ha-chan is trying to slip in between me and Maribel. Oh, shit...

Matt gets in next, while me and Ha-chan are trying to reposition ourselves. This has quickly become a clusterfuck!

Despite my frazzlation, we get in proper order quickly enough. Matt's at the front, yo! I'm behind him, Ha-chan's behind me, then Maribel, then Renko.

...Shikome's by the wheelbarrow, opting not to get inside through her inaction.

"You gettin' in?" Orin looks over at her.

...Shikome glances at her after a delay, and shakes her head.

...After scanning our reactions, Orin shrugs. "Alright. No goin' back, now!"

Cli-click. The cart starts moving, yo…

Shikome does a half-jog to keep up with the cart's initial speed.

Tho-thoom! The double doors open for us on their own as Orin's cart presses forward. As we move forward, I look around.

I see the fluffle stand as we depart, as well as the front face of the palace. Hoh hoh… off we go, yo!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Yo where the fuck my uber driver taking me? There's _skeletons_ and shit, and _ghosts!_ And rocky plains!

...Without Yuugi bein' waitin' there for us, we've gotta go around the _long ass way_ , yo.

" _Huoo~h…_ " Oh, yeah, stuff comes outta freakin' nowhere to try and shit on us occasionally. Ghosty black things with transparent skin and scythe arms, and stuff… like the one up to our cart on the right!

Ruby red danmaku comes from one of Orin's raised legs, mowing down a nearby ghostie whoastie.

" _Hooauua~...!_ " It died. Dissipated into mist and stuff. Not very strong ghosties…

We're moving pretty fast, but u~h…

Shikome's sandals tap loudly against the rock of Old Hell's plains as she runs alongside the noisy cart.

"Where'd ya want me ta dump ya on the surface, anyway?" Orin asks us a question!

Ooh, ooh, ooh! My friends start to speak but screw it! "Scarlet mansion! Devil scarlet! Mansion devil!"

...I got no idea who's giving me evil glares! I think I talked over Renko and Matt, though.

"Sure!" Orin yelled over the noise! "I'll dump ya right outside the gate!"

Wahaha~! I wanna stop there to throw Merry and Renko at the evil mirror so we can fuck up some clone people. I feel like that'll be a good time, especially since we survived that freakin' apsara shit, and we got those upgrade items. Yo ho ho~.

"Howaoah!" A ghost with piercin' blue eyes whirls up to the left side of the cart!

 _Shink!_ A tendril erupts from the back of Shikome's neck, and shishkebobs it.

" _Huuwaoo~h…_ " It dissipates into black mist, returning to the ambient mana of the underground cavern.

S'gonna be awhile until we get anywhere! I gotta feeling this ride's gonna be a bit longer than the first ride. Pop open some cheez its, yo… it's the _long haul_.

Maribel starts looking around. "I spy~..."

Ha-chan speaks up! "Ooh, ooh, I'm good at this game!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We're aboveground, now. Ma~n, now I know how truck drivers feel… except I'm not driving. Jeez, Orin must _really_ freakin' like long walks to not mind this shit…!

"I spy~..." Maribel scans the forest as we slowly move through it. "...Something green."

"Eat my hat, Merry." Renko has had enough of I-Spy for forever.

"Okay." Reaching over, Maribel starts tugging at Renko's hat.

"Hey, hey…" Renko gently holds onto it.

"...Nothing's green." Ha-chan states, half-dead from being seated for so long. "Auu~..."

Matt seems to be _surviving_ , yo. He's hangin' in there!

I just realized, Orin'll want five grand after this. I should get that money ready once the mansion's in sight… I mean, it's technically in sight right now, but you can see that clock tower from almost anywhere in Gensokyo as long as you're not buried in walls or trees…

...After a moment, we start rolling up a minor incline, still in the midst of some trees.

"Almost there, kids." Orin informs us of our stop. "Hope ya didn't lose too many brain cells on the way there."

"We are now brain dead." Matt slightly shifts his posture.

Ho~h, man. I cannot wait to get outta this bloody cart, son. Start a new life, yo.

…

Oh, hey!

We're almost at the gate! Yo~!

Reaching into my pocket, I draw the money…

"Ye~s!" Maribel recognizes it! "We're almost off this cart!"

"Oh, thank goodness…" Renko looks about ready ta jump off right _now_.

Looking off the side of the cart, I see Shikome still tailing along our side, although now she looks a good margin more winded than when we first started. Wahaha!

...After just another minute of mobility-

Cre-creak. The cart stops.

Maribel stands up, and jumps right off. "Yea~h!"

Renko gets up and almost eats shit throwing herself off the cart. "Wo-woah…!"

Ha-chan just springs into the air. "Woohoo~!"

...I allow myself to slide back into the spot previously occupied by the three girls. Oo~h, fuck yeah. Leg articulation, baby.

Matt half-stands, and clumsily gets outta the cart, his legs about as freakin' blown as mine after sitting for so long. Eeu~gh…

And now, I flop outta the cart.

Thud. Oof.

...I get up to Orin standing before me, her hand open.

I grin. "Aight, yo, I gotcha coin ri~ght hea." I take out the yen and place it in her hand.

"Thank ya very much!" Pocketing it, Orin turns the cart around and starts steering it off…

...Shikome and Matt idly watch it leave, while the girls've all bound towards the gate.

Meiling's there, eyebrows raised. "Where'd you all come from all of a sudden…?"

"Yo~!" I yell over at her! "We're bats outta hell, yo! We've come to stare into your _asshole_."

...Meiling furrows her brows, nodding. "Okay."

Matt's got his mask back on, strutting up behind me. "Hi, we're back too."

Meiling double takes at him. "What…? Already? It's only been a couple days, you know."

I move over to the fluffle stand, since it makes a good table. "Yo, yo, yo. Let's go over here and upgrade our stuff with those gems we got!"

"ow oof my bones" The fluffle complains about bone problems to us, for some reason. Freakin'... fluffles don't have _bones_ , yo. They're _boneless_ …!

...I just shake my head at it. "You~ freakin'..."

Maribel and Renko step up beside me, as does Matt! Aw, well-rounded party, yo.

Taking out Hard Winter, I place it down on the counter.

"What're we doing, now…?" Maribel looks down at Hard Winter vainly.

"Upgradin', yo." I grin at her. "You know them gems we get from- got from Satori?" Had to retrace my words!

She blinks. "...Yeah."

I take out my green gem, and attach it inside of one of the interior slots of Hard Winter-

Fwi~sh! It's attached! Yo~.

I hold up Hard Winter with vigor! "Weapon upgrade complete!"

"...What?" Maribel blinks.

"That… shouldn't work." Renko comments drolly.

Glancing at her friend, Merry grins. "The first time I saw that, I was just as surprised." Shaking her head, she takes out her lavender gem. "...What would I even put this on?"

Well, you've got all of _two_ weapons. One's a syphon machine, the other's a not-dying-machine. Honestly, if we're gonna tackle shit from the mirror, I want you to pour stuff into the not-dyin'-machine. "Try puttin' it on Porcelain Mirror, yo."

"...Alright." Nodding, Maribel brings the lavender gem towards one of the interior bits of her boxy mirror hanger.

Fwi~sh! Renko's already attached her deep purple stone to a part of her scissors. "This makes no sense."

Right? "Fluffle bullshit, yo, fluffle bullshit." Actually, I don't know if they got their weapons from the fluff stuffs or not…

Renko confirms my fears. "But we didn't get our-"

Fwi~sh! Matt upgrades a weapon of his, too-

Fwi~sh! ... _Twice_. Wat.

...I look over at his scissors. Aren't those the fire ones? Hoh.

Fwi~sh! Maribel upgraded Porcelain Mirror. Aw, yo…

You wanna know the best part about all 'a this?

I look over at the fluffle. "Yo, 'ow oof my bones', gimme an appraisal on this." I gesture down to Hard Winter.

The fluffle gazes at me gently. "Hard Winter! earth and ice elemental weapon. able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition! strikes are chargeable. allows the user to self-cast Strength Up; it cannot stack. allows casting of Gaia Seed, Gaia Bloom! allows the user to cast Tundra and Tremor! allows the user to cast Ice Shard! extends combo length by one. allows the user to jump out of combos smoothly. when jumping, the user leaves aesthetic frost in their wake"

...Dayum, yo. Gaia Bloom? Also, when the hell did I pick up Ice Shard? The fuck's a _Tremor?_ Dude!

...Maribel and Renko just give me skeptical stares, before Merry poses her own question. "What's mine do?"

The fluffle turns to her. "Porcelain Mirror! reflects small projectiles on impact. allows the user to cast Reflect. may cast Reflect with certain skills. may make targets of physical attacks tired. allows the user to cast single-target Sleep!"

...Maribel nods at that. "That's pretty good. I better be able to cast it on myself..." Honh.

Renko points at her scissors. "What's new with mine?"

The fluffle begins to describe her weapon of choice. "Counterweight! every enemy on the field increases combo length by one. every enemy on the field increases jump height and defense by point three times, starting at a base of one when one or no enemies are present. fifty percent space resistance! one hundred percent shoe glue resistance, fifty percent resistance to other space magic. when equipped with no enemies present, shoe glues the user and randomly self-casts single target zero gravity. may inflict shoe glue status on enemies."

Renko nods. "Huh. Alright, that's pretty cool…"

She picks it back up- "Oh, uhm…" -and abruptly begins floating backwards into the air, pushed off by the desk and her own legs. "Help."

I grab Renko's legs and tug her back towards the ground. Once she's back down, I grab her shoulders…

….Then, she puts away the scissors. "Thanks. I'm good, now."

Freakin' zero gravity, yo. The best equipment effect.

"What kind of trainwreck are these, now?" Matt checks on what his scissors do, now.

The fluffle looks down at the scissors, its smile obscured. "Shadow Hell Scissors! fire elemental weapon that ignites with every swing. boosts the power of fire spells! forty percent fire resistance, reduced discomfort near fire. allows the user to cast Fire, and Hellfire! allows the user to cast Dark Fire, Dark Fira!"

Ho~h, boy. Matt's got his hands on some fire magic, now. We've only delayed the inevitable, folks. Show's all over, now! All over!

With our new weapons stowed away, we walk up to Meiling...

She's got her arms folded. "...I don't think-"

"Hey!" Ha-chan fluffs up! "These are my _friends_."

…

Meiling sighs, moving to open the gate. "Alright."

The gate creaks open…!

Ha-chan marches in first, and the other five of us march behind her. Ho ho ho, yo. It's time to find that mirror, 'n' get inta some trouble…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

So far, there's been scattered fairy presence in these scarlet halls…

The freakin' _six of us-_ seven if you count the currently nappin' Rumia- romp down the hall, Ha-chan and me powerwalkin' ahead of everyone else…

Ha-chan's still got that topaz on her. I'm not gonna ask for it, 'cause what the hell am I gonna use an _electric_ upgrade for? Hmm. Million Bucks, maybe…

 _Fwoom_. Matt's having a _pretty_ shitty day, though. Apparently Remilia's got some debuff shit with his name on it…

"Ugh…" Stumbling forward, he groans. "Great…" He's currently all wet, silenced, probably syphoned, maybe weakened, and like… yeah. Not a good day!

Coming to the end of the hall, there's an only right way turn. First time I've encountered a corner turn in awhile…

We round the corner-

It's Remilia's room! Aw… we didn't even go upstairs, but we're here.

"Ho ho ho…!" Pumped, I run up to the door! "Let's kick some a~ss!"

"What're we doing again…?" Maribel's not sure what we're up to!

"Stretching our legs..." Renko gives her best guess. "This mansion's pretty cool, though."

Getting to the door, I grab onto it and pull- oh. Heavy shit…!

"Help…!" Me can't pull no no! Oo~h!

Snorting, Maribel grabs onto me and tugs…

...Once that doesn't get many places, Renko helps, too.

The door starts to creak open…!

Shikome reaches for the opposing double door, and swings it open casually despite holding Rumia in her other arm.

...We just stare at her. Freakin'...!

Inside… the main throne is empty. Remilia's not here. Hu~h.

There's abandoned rope on the pillars, for some weird reason. There's also this stout fairy maid standing next to the throne, dusting it deliberately…

"Yo~." I call out, walking into the room. "What is _up_ , man?"

The small blonde fairy girl freezes up, turning to me.

"Where's the poofy one, yo?" I call out to her from across the room. "Me and this mirror got some unfinished _business_ ta settle, ya see."

...The maid brings her hands to her flat chest and she just kinda fluffs up. Aww.

...I let my arms ragdoll. "Where's Remilia, yo? Vampire girl. The big small one!"

"Ah…" She looks away, frazzled. That voice is a little deeper than I anticipated!

Walking up to her casually, I look around the throne room. No~t a sou~l…

"Maybe they're not here, today?" Maribel wonders aloud, wandering into the open space with me.

"Is she hiding or something?" Matt questions. Yeah, yo. Remilia's scared 'a what we're gonna do to her mirror!

I reach the fairy maid.

"Uhm…" She looks up at me. She's got blue eyes, yo. "I-I… am not sure if I have clearance to re-reveal such information to you…"

...Something's really fucking off about that sentence, but I can't put my finger on it. I feel like it's _right_ there, too. "Just tell us, yo. We're friends. Like…" Turning, I gesture to Shikome. "See? We brought her a fellow evil doom loli."

The maid seems to tense up upon seeing Shikome, holding her hands to her mouth…

Looking over at the maid, I pat her shoulder. "See~, yo? Nothing to-"

Her wing falls off.

...It floats to the floor like a piece of cardboard.

…

Walking around the now blushing maid, I see that the remainin' wing actually _is_ cardboard. Damn well decorated cardboard, but just cardboard. How the hell does the wing transparency thing even _work_ with cardboard?

"N-no one gave you permission to touch!" Clamming up, the stout fairy backs away from me. "I-I don't like it wh-when people touch me!"

Matt begins to step up. Aw…

"This calls for superior persuasion tactics." Matt proposes.

...Stepping up to the maid, he stares down. "If you don't tell us, Shikome will eat you."

"Pl-please…" Eyes tearing up, the fairy maid starts to back up. "No-... no more…"

"Ma~tt." Renko steps up, glaring at him. "I don't think freaking her out even _more_ 's going to get anything out of her."

"It's not even a her." Matt monotones. Wat.

...I look at the 'fairy maid' again as she presses herself up against the wall away from us.

...Wait. What? I don't… quite follow yet.

"Do-don't tell them anything!" The maid barks at Matt, her voice hoarse. "I-I… my-my big sisters will get you for your in- _insubordination!_ " Ho~h shit, big word!

Hold on.

Matt shakes his head, vaguely amused. "Damn, Remilia is kinky."

 _Hold on_.

"Yo-you…" Sliding onto her butt, the 'fairy maid' grimaces.

Ha-chan comments on 'her', grinning. "She's so cu~te!"

Son hold on this shit's too much…! I can't do this right now…!

I point at him. " _Bro_. You~..." I don't even know what to say, yo. What _do_ you say!?

"I-I…" After a vulnerable moment, the child raises onto _his_ legs, and starts running off. "Pl-please don't…!"

...We watch _him_ make his way out of the throne room quickly.

If that's who I think it is, I'm gonna need a fuckin' gallon of kool-aid tonight, man. That shit's just too much, yo…

And then there was a Sakuya sweet Jesus Christ- "Hello."

Maribel jumps. "Wo-woah. Where'd you come from…?"

Sakuya smiles at her. "If you follow me, I'll show you. My mistress has requested you… _seven_ up on the roof." We're a fookin' army, Sakuya. We've come to tear down your mirror!

Renko snorts. "Yeah. Seven of us…"

I raise an arm into the air! "Soldiers of fortune we are, Sakuya! Take us to adventure!"

...After giving me a curious stare, she starts walking. "Right this way."

Fwoom.

...I turn to see what terrible ailment has befallen Matt this time.

…

He's stuck. Like, he froze before he put his foot down in his next step. Not frozen in ice, just...

…

Shikome taps him. When he doesn't react, she taps him again.

…

Whap! She hits him in the hip.

…

He starts moving again, but seemingly notices us all jump due to our movements. His eyes widen for a moment-

"Uah…!?" He's thrown onto his side abruptly!

Thud! Ho ho. Stop status, yo. That's some scary shit.

"What… what're you doing?" Renko looks back at us, Maribel and her already halfway across the room with Sakuya. "C'mon."

"Mmh…" Matt looks deeply annoyed, yo. I blame all those statuses!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We may've jump cut again, but that hallway walk was pretty short. Whenever Sakuya's at the lead, the halls just bend over backwards and take us to our destination faster than even normal halls could.

At the top of the staircase, we step out onto a platform that leads to an open, large double door. Past it is the sunlight of the once again setting sun- since we probably woke up late and our sleep is now all kind'sa messed up- and some mixed clouds…

Moving out onto the roof, we look around…

"Nice day out." Maribel idly comments as some breeze rolls past us. Yo~. This is good mirror killing weather…

Man, I've got a _thing_ against that mirror, yo.

"It _is_ pretty good out." Renko adds, her gaze resting on Remilia.

Remilia's sitting at a white garden table! She's gazing at us with an expression of vague mystification. "...Where did _seven of you_ come from? I was only expecting _one or two_ of you."

"Honey, I'm ho~me…" Matt moans out over his freakin'... magic AIDS. "I brought the kid, too…"

Shikome steps out from behind him casually, holding Rumia in her arms like a cuddly loaf.

...Then, Shikome licks her lips. Hoh!

Remilia sighs. "What're you two even _doing_ here? You were _just_ here. I told you to come back in a week, and It's only been two days."

"We couldn't help seeing you again." Matt states, trying to not sound like he was slowly dying.

To the left of the garden table… was that _damn mirror!_ It was fuckin' waitin' for me dude! But no~! I brought literally _six_ friends!

...At the moment, the mirror was tilted back on its stand, and some fairy maids were attending to it.

Komi tapped on the front of the mirror. "Namori, are you _fucking_ done yet?"

"It-it's not easy, you know!" Namori actually has a little bite! She's at the top of the mirror, doing some weird ripply shit to the top of it. "This is weird!"

"You're weird!" Komi retorts, tapping the mirror again. "Still no."

Koi walked out from behind the mirror. "Good ne~ws! The stand _didn't_ break!"

"Fucking- I'd _know_ if the stand broke, you stupid…" Komi slowly turned to her stout, orange-haired cohort.

Aw. Mirror maintenance, yo.

As Shikome and Matt slowly tread up to Remilia, she sits up, looking over at the rest of us. "There is a reason I've called you seven here, today. Well, more like the-..." Remilia furrowed her brows. "Brad and Maribel, yes, you are the ones I called here that actually are supposed to be here. The more hands, the merrier, I suppose."

We all walk forward, although Sakuya appears to have freakin'... left us, yo.

Shikome and Matt position themselves at the tea table, to Remilia's brief disdain, before she focuses on us again. "Maribel, go walk up to the mirror. Komi will fill you in."

"Why…?" Maribel props her arms on her hips!

I nudge Merry. "Just do it, yo. I came here to kick that mirror's ass!"

…At that, she rolls her eyes, before stepping forward to the mirror. "Okay."

Renko snorts. "Nice agenda." The _mirror slaying_ agenda…

Once Merry gets to the mirror, Komi turns to her. "Ah, it's what's-your-face. Put your hand in the mirror and do your shit."

Maribel just stares at her. "I'm sorry what."

Ha-chan idly seems to move to meet up with her fairy friends, standing behind Maribel like a freakin' snuggle magnet.

...After a while of seeing the girls just be fluffy, I meander towards the tea table.

Everyone's seated, yo. Shikome's staring at Remilia, and Matt's just existing…

I take the final seat, while Renko walks over to see what her friend's doing…

"Don't act like you don't want us to be here." Matt drowsily grins at Remilia. "You know you do."

Remilia stares at him and Shikome with equal dryness. "Well, I'm excited to see my status ailments are working wonders on you, at least. If only you'd come when my maids were ready to _serve_ you."

"No knives, please…" Matt shakes his head.

Remilia smirks.

...Looking over at me, Remilia addresses the fact I exist. "I take it you're wondering why I called you here, today?"

I shake my head. "No."

…

"Well," she continues anyway, "a few days ago, that mirror didn't act as I expected it. I tried testing it on those fairies you see there, but nothing came out. I tried testing it on _myself_ but nothing came out. I figured that… Yakumo-lookalike would have some form of capability when it came to borders. If anything's a border-related problem, it's mirrors, or so I'm told."

...I look over at Maribel- her hand's actually _in_ the mirror.

"Just change _something_." Komi states plainly. "I don't give a _fuck_."

"Yes, we know…!" Renko stares at the fairy with slight bafflement…!

"That's great." Maribel's got her brows furrowed. "Change something, huh? Fine. I'll change _something_."

…

Shikome is as tucked into the table as she can possibly be right now.

Remilia just gives her a curious stare… and then looks over at me. "You're just here for insurance, really. Headcount."

Aw, cool. I brought five other heads that aren't Maribel with me, yo-

 _Fwoam!_

"Woah!?" Maribel is thrown back from the mirror!

Thud! She lands on her _bum_.

Ooh? I stand up, and round the mirror-...

Wat. It's… stained glass, now. Ooh. In the stained glass is the portrait of a flower. That's cool!

"Aa~h." Lazily, Komi nods at it. "...The _fuck_ did you _do?_ "

Maribel glares at her. "I changed _something._ "

...Koi and Namori come around the sides, and all look into the stained glass mirror. Yo ho ho…

Renko moves to help Maribel up-

 _Fwi~sh!_ Light runs across the stained glass surface.

Oo~h.

…

"You okay, Merry?" Renko uses her arm to help Maribel up, yo.

"Uh huh…" Standing again, Maribel gets beside me and Renko. "So~... am I done with the-"

Fwoa~omp.

Four figures emerge from the stained glass. Just like, freakin' leap out all at once, and the glass just ripples lightly to accent this.

...On the very left is a stout fairy with orange hair done up in pigtails, clad in a pink maid outfit. She's a slightly differently dressed Koi look-alike.

Next to her was a replica of Komi, clad in her traditional black-tinted maid attire. Around her waist was a familiar sack…

To her right was a maid with a bright green tinted maid outfit. She was about as tall as Komi, if not slightly moreso, with long… curly, dishwater blonde hair. She's flat too, with blue eyes and a rather soft face...

She's holding a plant hanger, though. A blue and-... that's Fragile Flower she's holding, albeit slightly more decorated. She's got a tubby green backpack on, too.

... _Moving on_ , there's a blue-dressed Namori look alike to the right of the three, her hands behind her back as she struts alongside the party.

Ha-chan steps up behind me, as do Maribel and Renko, getting a better look at these four.

"Where the fuck…?" Slightly more decorated mirror clone of Koi looks around! "...We're on the roof."

Not-Namori scans us deliberately. "...We're not alone, either."

Not-Komi smirks. "Take a look at this. That looks… like us. Shit."

Would the real Komi please stand up? I mean- Komi steps forward. "...Your colored outfits are gay."

Koi snorts. "I thought you wanted to get us colored outfits for awhile, now…"

"Now that I see them, I think they look gay." Komi decides.

"Right?" Not-Komi grins. "Brittany-chan likes them, though."

...Komi tilts her head. "Who?"

...Not-Komi raises her eyebrows. "What?"

"Whatever." Waving it off, Komi looks at the four with vague annoyance…

Marching forward, Koi points at the three! "We could have a _massive_ orgy!"

"Fuck yeah!" Fake Koi marches forward to shake hands with her! "You're just like me, me!"

Namori is hesitant to do anything, but Fake Namori walks right on up to her like it's no one's business. Yo~... "What's been going on, me?"

...Namori clams up, pushing her arms into her chest. "Uh-uhm… I-I don't know?"

Not-Namori blinks. "...What? No, I mean, where's Brittany-chan?"

Namori is bamboozled. "Who?" Yeah, good question…

...Not-Komi and not-Koi perk up at this, paying attention to the real Namori for some reason.

"What year is it?" Mirror Namori questions, lookin' around.

Mirror Komi folds her arms. "Can't be that long ago. This bitch just said this was like, around the time we wanted these gay outfits."

Bringing a hand to her chin, mirror Namori considered this. "...That'd mean this was the fall. And, if I'm… like this…"

Instantly, mirror Namori leapt back from the _however many_ of us. Let's see… me, Merry, Renko, Ha-chan… seven again! Hoh!

"What do you mean, 'who's Brittany-chan'?" Not-Komi presses, glaring at the actual Komi.

Actual Komi has her arms folded now too! "If I knew, I'd fucking tell you. How about you tell me?" To accent her point, she walks forward towards the other Komi…!

Reachin' into my bag, I pull out my freakin' _eye-searing yellow_ helmet, and start slippin' it on. "Oh boy, oh boy, yo! This should be good, yo…!" I know they're just fairies, but in case karmic retribution rears its ugly head and lets Koi get a good one in on my forehead, I'd like to be _prepared_.

Stopping inches from the mirror Komi's face, the real Komi holds her arms out. "C'mon, sweetie. If you were really me, you'd-"

 _Pi~chun!_

Hoh, shit that was fast! What happened!?

...In Komi's wake, the fairy dominatrix from beyond the mirror held some kinda black and white plant hanger, fit with a buncha abstract as shit spikes and spokes along the outside. Aw, it's Sharper than Darkness: the remaster. It's got this freakin' eye design in the middle, though. Is it the Soul Edge of plant hangers?

The brown bag on Komi's waist stops flapping, the wind from her lightning fast movement dying down.

Koi flailed her arms. "Woa~h! What-... what happened!?"

"Pathetic." The other Komi smirked at the rest of us. "One hit. Was that _it?_ "

I slide the visor on my sun helmet down, now that I got it on…

Koi props her arms on her hips. "Why'd ya do _that_ , Komi-chan? I-"

Tick. Ti-tick, tick. The other Koi throws an arm repeatedly, flinging orange orbs at the real Koi's feet.

...Koi looks down. "Ah? What's up with-"

The other Koi snaps her fingers-

 _Boom! Pi~chun!_

The orbs all explode at once, releasing dense spheres of orange danmaku, causing all of us to flail back wildly.

"N-no…!" Namori locks up!

"Geez…" Maribel stumbles back, orange orbs pattering off her form. "Ow-ow…"

Renko sighs. "More fighting...?"

...As the orbs clear off the rooftop, I see the real Namori suddenly charge at the other Namori!

Grimacing, the fake Namori twirls back-

 _Wham!_ Suddenly, she executes a freakin' ballerina kick that sends Namori flying-

 _Fwuu~sh!_ Namori was suddenly launched into the air by a geyser. "Hwa~h…!?"

The fake Namori suddenly began spinning in place really fast-

 _Fwa~sh!_ Namori was frozen solid, in a thick chunk of ice above the roof's surface.

...Slowly, it began falling to the floor-

 _Cra~ck!_ Namori shattered into a buncha pieces.

...That breeze once again blew across the freakin' rooftop. Oh, boy.

Komi began stepping towards us. Since the real one freakin' blew up, I might as well just call her Komi for now. "...You four." She points her whacky hanger at us.

Maribel has Porcelain Mirror ready. "...Yeah?"

Renko's got Counterweight out, for how much that'll help…

Ha-chan's behind us. Hopefully she doesn't instantly explode…!

Reachin' into my bag, I draw Hard Winter…

Komi's gaze runs along my form, before stopping at that bag. "Brittany?"

Who the frik's Brittany!? "Nah, yo. They call me Brad." Why does this situation feel awkwardly tense…!? Maybe 'cause, freakin'... the fairies just _obliterated_ their counterparts with actually impressive magic.

Komi jerks her head back, and the other maids stare at me in mystification.

…

Smirking, Komi starts twirling her hanger around on one finger. "How about we make this _two for two_ , then?"

Koi giggles. "You see those girls, too? They're fuckin' _cute_."

Namori takes a confident posture. "He looks a lot different. Don't just rush him."

...Jesus fuck!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 65

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Hard Winter - A earth/ice-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice! Allows the user to cast Ice Shard. Extends combo length by one artificially. Allows the user to jump out out of combos smoothly, and leave frost in their trail.

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I _would_ like to know where it actually _puts_ all my stuff though…

==o==

WEAPONS:

Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! It better, with a name like 'Swordbreaker'. Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! May cast Flash, an attack that blinds; works best on darkness elementals and youkai. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can cast Gust. By the addition of a steel block, its attack and magic attack increased slightly. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites stuff on impact. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle, allowing the user to cast Flamethrower Plus! Allows the user to cast Fume.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Can produce limitless fresh water. Boosts the power of water skills. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style; physical attack increased, physical defense lowered. User bleeds out faster. Can cast Revenge, an attack that increases in power the lower the user's health is. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to let it cut!

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Lowers defense slightly. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger is slightly electric and holy elemental. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy…

==o==

ARMOR:

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Seventy-five percent time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!

Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means _business, son_. _One hundred percent_ ice resistance, and as such renders me immune to all magical ice damage. Dunno 'bout icicles and stuff, though. Fifty percent freeze resistance… not that freezing will hurt me with this thing on. Fifty percent dark resistance. Negative fifty percent fire and burning resistance. Hopefully hides me a bit when navigating in the freakin' brush...

Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! Fifty percent sun resistance, one hundred percent freezing and blinding resistance. Also gives immunity to electrical stunning. It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.

Lunarian Prototype Space Suit - A suit meant for combat in deep space. So far, it's only got the whole 'exist in deep space' part down…! _One hundred percent_ electric resistant. One hundred percent freezing resistant. Has an oxygen tank, but that's only useful if you wear the helmet to go along with it. Randomly casts Zero Gravity when it feels like it.

Lunarian Prototype Deep Space Helmet - It's a freakin' helmet. Fifty percent blinding resistant! When worn with the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit, it also confers immunity to burning and poison, along with _another_ one hundred percent electricity resistance. Yo…!

Testing Oxygen Tank - The oxygen tank used by the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit. Lasts for two and a half minutes! Not meant to actually be used outside of testing, but it's possible. Refills automatically in breathable air.

MP Prize Pin - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field. For awhile only the user(s) of this badge may pick them up, but after a grace period anyone can. Extends prize grabbing range!

==o==

CONSUMABLES/OTHER:

Forty-one thousand, two hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!

Seven Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Three Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on _debuffs_ , though…

Mega Potion - Youkai-like regen for thirty seconds… except for the whole family! Applies to entire party. Good for when we all suck at life!

WebDings Book about Foreign Juices - Wahaha! This better fetch a price on the market!

Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Rope of Red Bikinis - Wahaha! Gonna getcha, son!

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I _really_ have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

==o==

Maribel Hearn, the University Student

WEAPON: Porcelain Mirror - A plant hanger made with curiously chrome materials. Reflects small projectiles it hits. Allows the user to cast Reflect. May cast Reflect with certain skills.

INVENTORY:

[Suitcase] - Holds her stuff. Gives five inventory spaces!

Drawings - Her drawing stuff!

Writing Utensils - Crayons, pencils, pens… hoh hoh!

Dreamcatcher - A holy hanger. May cast Talisman Seal on impact. Casts Talisman Seal with certain skills. Boosts the power of holy skills. Grants fifty percent resistance to syphoning and cursing.

Cast-Iron Plant Hanger - A sturdy plant hanger made of solid metal.

Umbrella - It helps stop the dreaded sky water.

[MP Prize Pin] - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field. For awhile only the user(s) of this badge may pick them up, but after a grace period anyone can. Extends prize grabbing range! Uses no inventory space when worn.

[no space remaining]

==o==

Renko Usami, the University Student

WEAPON: Counterweight - Black and gold scissors, with elaborate handles. Every enemy on the field increases combo length by one attack. Every enemy on the field increases jump height and defense by .3x, starting at a base of 1.0x with one enemy. Twenty five percent space resistance granted. User is immune to shoe-glue status when enemies are present. When equipped with no enemies on the field, inflicts shoe-glue status, preventing the user from jumping.

OFFHAND: Umbrella - It helps stop the dreaded sky water.

==o==

INVENTORY:

Steel Scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Sunfire Scissors - Casts Sunfire Flare on impact. Boosts the power of Sun elemental attacks.

Mega Potion - Causes the whole party to regenerate life.

[MP Prize Pin] - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field. For awhile only the user(s) of this badge may pick them up, but after a grace period anyone can. Extends prize grabbing range! Uses no inventory space when worn.

[no more space remaining]

==o==

Hana, the Electric Fairy Maid - A cuddleable fairy who's stalked me for awhile. She's lovable, dude. Healed by electrical damage! Casts tiny bolts of electricity as her attack these days…

PRIMARY WEAPON: Zap!

INVENTORY:

 _Probably_ rocks - Yeah.

Winter Mittens - Aww. Keeps hands from freezing.

Winter Coat - Where does she store this when it's not on…?

[unknown space remaining]

==o==

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

both this and the author's note for chapter 64(or 80 by ff dot net standards) are being written well after the fact - w -

THIS CHAPTER WAS A RIOT.

freakin'- nearly lewded the merry but DODGED A BULLET and then BLOOD and then-... ho HO HO

"man this story's gettin' _WEIRD_ "

this is why i'm occasionally disheartened that people won't look at it 'cause of the initial bad prose or their own misconceptions but y'know people come as they come and ya can't change disinterest so easy; the only thing you can do is change yourself period and i'm not always about that sorta pandering, i quite like my premises yo

perhaps i should _**REMASTER**_ some chapters...

that and i still got more people followin' this than i expected so honh - w - i'm just overthinkin' things

man i need to start talking about the chapters more and stop whining about my mental health

this chapter really was a freakin' rollercoaster between like… the crazy ass almost-orgy section, the not-fairies, the droll transit from the underground to the SDM, yo~.

the formalities post-evaded orgy are not as hype as the not-orgy fight itself but i feel like that cooldown is for _good reason_

i've used orgy more times in these past twelve seconds than i have in the past year

also tons of upgrades right away! the underground's got some good resources yo, and now we can see my guy is definitely MORE THAN HE WAS WHEN HE STARTED

hoh HOH

at some point i should have brad just fight normal fairies again and see how far he's come

...that'll be after these fairies from another dimension kick our asses though . w .

as always, see you all next time!


	83. Fight Night: Domination Overtime!

(in which we fight the long war)

So~, I got… Maribel, Renko, and Ha-chan all stationed behind me. Strength in numbers! Took Ha-chan an idle moment to navigate around behind me, but yeah.

Not-Komi, or just Komi since the real one exploded a few moments ago, sneers at us. "You got that bitchy _slut_ with you, too. No wonder…"

Who? Okay! Whoever that was an insult to, I will make you pay for that!

The sun's still setting, so we got some dusk ta burn, yo. Beautiful orange light accents the probable fighting ahead of us!

Speakin' of things ahead of us, we got Komi, Koi, and Namori… from _another dimension!_ Also, freakin'... Brittany, apparently. That maid girl- who I've just noticed has _no wings_ \- with long, curly dishwater blonde hair…

I'm gettin' some weird vibes! She's also just kinda staring at me.

To the right of the mirror the fairies came outta is a garden table. Remilia and Shikome're seated across from one another, while Matt just kinda sits at one of the remaining unoccupied sides of said table.

Thud. Shikome places the snoozing Rumia down on the garden table, tipping over Matt's teacup as she does so.

Before the teacup could shatter on the ground after rolling off the table, it vanished from existence. Sakuya's a freakin' game genie!

Komi's got her edgy spikes-and-spokes-a-lot hanger raised in this precarious looking stance. Like, if you held a sword like that it'd freakin' fall outta your hand. It's a sorta overhead one-handed stance…? A bit much for a hanger _that_ bulky, it's like half her size.

Koi's just kinda looking casual, swinging her arms back and forth!

 _Fwish!_ Namori starts spinning like a freakin' top in place, now on one leg. Aw, the deadliest skill…!

"I think we're gonna get mobbed, yo…" I've still got Hard Winter out for my health!

"We've got equal numbers." Maribel casually points out, her hanger ready even if she's not super tense. "They're not that great at fighting, either."

At her words, Komi's expression flares, and she raises her bulky fuck-off hanger into the air. "Show me anguish!"

 _Fwoo~m!_ A spike of amber seemingly erupts through her, stretching into the air, accented by a shockwave of wind and ember-esque energy that stretches around her by like ten feet…

"Woah…!" Maribel fluffs up! Yeah, I didn't expect that shit either!

I raise my hanger in case we get freakin' rushed…!

Renko and Ha-chan just kinda stick near us 'cause that attack was _intimimadatin'!_ Was it even an attack or was she-

Immediately afterward, Komi roars through the air towards us with stupid speed-

"Reflect!" Maribel protects us!

 _Ti~ng!_ The fairy maid unleashed a freakin' spinning strike as the first attack, a ring of orange splashing out from where she struck the shield. In fact, the barrier didn't even fully _stop_ her blow, it just went around the surface of it.

Komi's hanger was now even _larger_ , ablaze everywhere except the handle with golden, flaming energy-

 _Ti~ng!_ She struck the barrier again with an overhead jab, flames licking the exterior of our protective bubble.

Her form seemingly freezes in place-

"Pathetic." She drops down from the air behind us all of a sudden, her previous form fading out after a moment.

 _Fwam!_ Her hanger slides around the exterior of the protective bubble, striking the ground and creating another shockwave of flame-

 _Cr-cr-crack!_ Shards of ice shatter as they erupt under the underside of our protective barrier.

Holy _shit_ that was a long combo. Every hit looks like it coulda knocked one of us the fuck out, too!

When the hell'd the fairy maids get so powerful!? For what reason is Komi able to teleport around like a jackass? Did they come from the freakin' Gensokyo-times-ten server?

In the meantime, Koi strafed alongside us, and began throwing her arms back and forth for some odd reason…

Oh, she's launching orbs… on the ground, positioned right next to our reflect bubble. They stick where they land, glowing ominously…

 _Fwa-fwa-fwam!_ Maribel's barrier shatters, the shards splashing outward and making tiny blasts in the air.

"Uwah!?" Komi is thrown backwards, before her form freezes in the air completely.

Turning to Maribel, I catch her panicking and raisin' her hanger again. "Reflect!" I was just 'bout ta suggest that, too…!

" _Gotcha._ " Komi drops down from the air behind us, again-

 _Ti~ng!_ The barrier… has activated. Thank Christ for your bullshit defense magic, Merry…!

I also just noticed that Komi's hanger's back to normal. That fire imbuement must only last for like one combo...

 _Fwam!_ She does that downward slash combo finisher again, except this time it just makes a dark splash on the floor. Hoh.

...We're all pretty much cozied up next to Merry and don't wanna do anything! I should start casting some shit in here, but I have no idea how much Reflect eats Maribel's mana…

Oo~h, Namori's spinning by us, now! I'm not sure what exactly she's doing, though.

As she spins, it seems like snowflakes form in the air around her…

 _KABOOM_

 _TI~NG_

...Oh, that's what those orange orbs Koi threw about do. They just _explode_. _Loudly_.

By the way, fuck my ears. Ow~. That was some serious shit!

"Aaa~h!" I heard Merry yell even though she's right here, and I don't blame her! Jesus… it didn't even so much as make us vibrate through the barrier Maribel had up, but _damn_ if we couldn't hear that!

Despite their noise, the sticky bombs didn't do much to the floor. Instead, they sent out huge clusters of randomly shaped danmaku bolts in all directions. That later sound was the reflect barrier getting raped by bullets, probably.

You know what- I don't fucking care if it's danmaku or freakin' whatever-the-bomb-element-is, an explosion's an explosion! Get that crap away from me, unless I have full control of it!

 _Fwo-fwo-fwoo~sh!_ Water pillars begin erupting under our barrier as Namori spins around us-

Performing a backflip, Komi distances herself before drifting into the air. "What's yours is _mine!_ " ...Y'know, I feel like acrobatics are kinda redundant if you can just _fly_ to begin with.

On the garden table some distance away from the fight, Rumia wiggles a little in her log-like slumber. "Mnmnhmm~n…"

Shikome, who had somehow freakin' worked her way around half the table and magically past Matt's chair, was seated almost next to Remilia now. Remilia's chair was a few feet farther from that table's side than it originally was, too…

After taking a glance at the cuddly Rumia, she glances over at our battle…

Meanwhile, Komi's still drifting in the air! Behind her, dark energy flared up and quickly started to generate a sort of ball around her…

Once she was enveloped completely-

 _Fwa-fwa-fwam!_ Maribel's Reflect ran out, the resulting shards hitting no one-

"Reflect!" Maribel once again casts some defense!

The reflective barrier abruptly appeared-

 _KABOOM_

 _TI~NG_

Oh my god. Are we in fucking Normandy?

"Aaau~…" Ha-chan whined, covering her head. I turn to her, my eyebrows raised. How the fuck're we even gonna do this? Like, no seriously how the fuck're we gonna do this? It just occured to me we have like… absolutely no way to deal with this.

Koi very nearly popped her sticky bombs at the right time to instantly nuke us, too. Where the fuck did she learn to make _sticky bombs!?_ Who taught her that!? Why's Komi's moveset some Kingdom Hearts bullshit!? Aaa~h, aaa~h!

"Aww~h…" She whined at us. "No fai~r. Your barrier's _stupid_."

Freakin'...! "You're _stoopid!_ " I retort from within Maribel's safety bubble, the hair on the back 'a my neck standing up! "Hoo hoo!"

From Komi's ball of darkness, a pitch black copy of Komi roared out, whirling towards our bubble-

Ti~ng! Her pitch black copy of her edgy hanger struck the bubble thrice, before the clone froze in place.

 _Fwam!_ Another clone leapt from the dark ball, before seemingly teleporting in front of us and doing that finisher move where she slams her hanger into the ground and makes a dark splash.

Ti~ng! ...Oh, geez, that's just gonna keep happening, isn't it?

"Komi!" Namori slowly spins an arm into the air, purple and white energy running up it.

Once the energy leaves her arm, a splash of some kinda blue liquid falls into Komi's orb. They've got _status economy_ abilities, too? Holy crapoli...

Ti~ng! Komi's really just gonna keep sending out freakin' shadow clones of herself to combo our orb...

Koi's standing closer than before, giving us a smug smile…

I give her the middle finger. "Hi, friend."

She snorts. "You really _are_ Brad, huh? You try my ass out, yet?"

Wat. "Speak words that make sense." I dunno what she means…!

She just tilts her head at me, unsure of what _I_ mean. Freakin'...!

With Hard Winter in hand, I kneel down and jab it into the floor. "Gaia Bloom!"

Fwoo-fwoo-fwoo-fwoom. Like Gaia Seed, it makes that green magical circle that slowly emits earth magic around my enemy… but unlike Gaia Seed, it makes _four of them!_

They initialize immediately, all causing Koi to stumble around. "Wo-wohwoa~h…"

Ti~ng! Alright, this is getting ridiculous…! All those shadow clones of Komi? They freakin'... persist, so now the orb just has like _nine_ immobile Komi clones hovering around it.

Then-

 _Fwa~sh!_ "You're _mine!_ " Komi slides out of her dark orb, dispelling it and roaring towards us-

 _Ti~ng!_ The barrier stops her intimidating looking dark jab.

 _Fwa-fwa-fwam!_ Maribel's Reflect shatters again, the shards once again splashing outward and exploding.

"Oa~h!" Komi is thrown back into the air. A Shikome tendril seems to travel towards her as she flies back, but by the time it reaches her, her body is already still in the air-

The body dissipates into shade-

"Too slow." Komi drops down onto us- oh shit Reflect Maribel use Reflect-

 _Fwam!_

Pi~chun! Ha-chan just explodes _instantly_.

" _Aahn!?_ " Renko is launched by the small splash of dark energy that clipped all four of us.

" _Ooww~!_ " Maribel's sent freakin' _flying_.

I've never been knocked back this far befo~re!

 _Thud_. Holy shit ouch. I landed on the wood roof _hard_. Holy fu~ck…

Thu-thud. Maribel and Renko let out little whines as they plop against other parts of the roof around me.

Komi seemingly skids on the floor past us, drawing an azure line in the air with her hanger as she slides past us. "There's no escape…!"

Once she stops, the azure line disappears-

 _Fwoom_. A series of alternating chunks of black ice form in the air, kinda-sorta-not really aligned with the line she made.

One second later, they crunch together like a dark set of teeth, before dissipating. That… hit no one. If we were standing that woulda been bad, but u~h… we're not really in standing order at this moment!

I start to sit up, only for Komi to appear over me, holding her hanger pointed at my face. "This is why I _own you_." Reeling it back, she intends to strike-

 _Shink!_ A tendril pierces her stomach. Ah...?

"Ah…" She looks down, gaze hardening- "Oh…!?" Abruptly, she's pulled backwards!

Shikome pulls her towards herself. Once the fairy maid is pulled into grapple range, she just grabs her, flips 'er upside down with her arms, and-

 _Crack!_ -shoves the maid into the floor head first.

" _Ooauu~h!_ " Komi lets out a muffled wail, kicking her legs uselessly.

"Ko-Komi-chan!" Both Namori and Brittany call out for the fairy maid. Freakin'... Brittany, you've done nothing this fight. All you did was _stand there!_

"Shut up! She's sleeping." Shikome quickly reprimands the fairy maids, her expression slightly frowny.

That's about what I expected! I haven't really commented on the fact Shikome seems to be an absurdly powerful death loli… but she is an absurdly powerful death loli and I'd rather not set her off. Freakin'- like… she's the poster child for the kinda youkai the village makes every youkai out to be!

...After a few moments of kicking, Komi lets her legs just dangle in place. Since she's upside down, her panties are exposed, too! Freakin'... black. Who'd 'a thunk it.

Namori starts to spin near that scene, as my party members and I slowly get back up…

"Me- Merry…" Renko makes uncomfortable noises as she starts to sit up. "Are you alright?"

"No." Maribel gasps. "I- I landed on- on my arm…"

"Damn i~t…" Koi struts towards the mines she laid down before Komi launched us, which were now useless since we didn't plan to go near them again.

Once she reaches them, she snaps her fingers-

 _KABOOM_

...The blast sends her flying into the air, somewhere freakin' up high. She just blew up _herself_.

Namori's spinning slows as she nears Komi and Shikome-

Letting go of Komi and allowing her to just flop over with her head still in the floor, Shikome started stepping towards Namori. Ho~h, shit, yo! Namori's about ta get _fucked!_

Spinning quicker, Namori starts retreating from Shikome…! Yeah, me too. That moment when super death loli sixty-four starts comin' for your ass.

"How do I-..." Renko's got her Mega Potion out. "Uhm…" Ooh. She seems to be wondering how the magic cast works on the big potion.

"O-ow…" Merry's trying to sit up, but decides not to once she clutches her arm.

...Rollin' over, I start shambling towards the two. Time to show Renko how quick casting a potion works! 'Cause, yeah, I feel like someone hit my back with a freakin' box truck…

As Shikome approaches Namori, the fairy maid stops spinning. "I- I can do this…! Blizzard Sign, Zero Cruncher!" Ooh, Namori's got a spell card now...

 _Fwa-Fwa~sh!_ Along her arms, two _huge ass icicles_ began forming, enveloping them completely. Like… these icicles are three times her size!

 _Fwa-Fwa~sh!_ Two similar icicles extend into existence in the air behind her, acting as additional 'wings'.

Like this, she begins spinning again, a prospect now ten times more terrifying because of the fact she's got those freakin' icicle arms. The icicles behind her that act akin to wings don't spin with her, though. It's more like they just dangle about menacingly…

Accelerating her spin, she starts gravitating towards Shikome with the intent to slice…!

...After she gets close to a certain point, Shikome does a big leap, soaring over the icicle arms. She's got two tendrils around herself defensively-

 _Thu~nk_. Her rightmost tendril jerks as one of the giant dangling icicles tries to collide with Shikome, only to be deflected.

She precariously lands atop Namori's head, spinning around with her… which must be tricky shit with sandals on.

Bringing her leg up, Shikome stomps down-

 _Vrrr~!_ Namori starts freakin' _drilling into the roof_ as Shikome presses down on her.

 _Vrrr~..._

After a few moments, Namori finds herself stuck embedded chest-deep in the roof, before Shikome leaps off of her.

"Aah- uhm, uh…" Frazzled, Namori looks around. "...What happened?" That's some freakin' cartoon shit right there…!

From above, orange orbs start descending upon Shikome's new position, just behind her…

Facin' the blue-haired fairy, the murder loli just gives 'er a frowny glare. Aww.

Namori gives her a sad look back. "Hello…?"

Reaching Renko, I kneel next to her. "Yo, lemme…"

...Unsure, Renko hands the potion over to me. "If you waste it, I'm throwing you off the roof." Aw.

With the Mega Potion in hand, I throw it into the air, where it begins glowing and dissipates.

Splashes of glowing, green liquid promptly descend upon the three of us, before absorbing into our forms.

...Maribel raises her previously injured arm. "Huh."

Relieved, Renko exhales. "I thought you were about to break it or something…"

Hey, yo. "I ain't that stupid…!"

Checkin' around, I see Brittany aiming her hanger in the direction of the nugget conflict.

...Looking over there, I see there's a red, circular magic pad next to where Komi's stuck in the roof.

...Shikome begins to turn away from Namori-

"Hey, _slut!_ " Koi calls down from above, now hovering in the air. Aa~h, Koi and Komi were always such freakin' rambunctious assholes.

...Shikome looks around for a moment-

"Yeah, you! Purple hair and skin and shit!" Koi calls down again! "How's ya day goin!?"

Shikome looks up at her, still pretty much standing on a series of sticky mines. Well- not _on_ on, but she's next to them basically. There's like five mines that landed behind her while she was givin' Namori the _look_.

...Yeah, Shikome doesn't say anything, she just looks up.

...Adopting a smug look that almost gives way into giggling, Koi snaps her fingers.

 _KABOOM_

"Wahahaha~!" Koi reels back in the air, holding her stomach as her breasts jiggle. "Ho~haha~! Ooh- ooh, didn'cha see the _glowin' bombs!?_ Ha- ah…?"

In the air, Shikome's limbs slowly flailed as she ascended towards the fairy maid, her body crackling with orange danmaku energy from the explosions. She tryin' 'a' flap like a bi~rd…?

"Fuck off…!" Cracking her knuckles, Koi hovers in wait of the youkai.

Shikome soars up into the bomb fairy, and grabs onto her. Koi seemingly hugs her back!

She beams giddily into Shikome's seemingly neutral expression. "Hehehe~! _Bitch!_ "

 _Boom!_ In the air, Koi lets loose a self-destruct type explosion, except it doesn't actually destroy herself.

"Anh…" Wincing, Koi is still staring into Shikome's face from the midst of a grapple. "Tha fuck?"

Tendrils extend from Shikome, and lift her skirt.

Koi's eyes light up. "Oo~h!? Is this one of them tentacle rapes!? Oo~h, hohoho~!" Oh boy. If it actually happens, I'll have to scene break that shit out…! I'll try to fill you guys in on the family friendly details!

Extending a tendril to bind Koi so her own arms could be free, Shikome brings them under the skirt and begins sliding down Koi's panties…

Thrusting Koi into the air as they fall, Shikome steals the fairy's panties clean off with a single tug.

"Oh- whah…!?" Koi is left spinning in the air after Shikome's tendrils leave her. "...Wh- yo-you only took my _panties!?_ Mother _fucker!_ " Pfft… Nevermi~nd, then! No scene breaks required!

Like this, Shikome descends towards the roof-

 _Bam!_ Shikome lands half embedded in said roof. Freakin'...

It is now a deep blue out, the sun finally setting for realsies. This's been goin' awhile…!

I look over at Remilia-

 _Boom!_ The second loud noise was that red pad that presumably Brittany placed around Komi's roof space awhile ago. It freakin' exploded.

The roof that held Komi and the space around it caved inward, now a hole. Oo~h…

 _...As I was saying_ , I look over at Remilia…

She seems intrigued, which is probably why she's not kicking everyone's asses right now.

"Ev- everyone!" Reaching into that tubby backpack of hers, Brittany took out a Mega Potion, and tossed it into the air.

Every fairy had a drop of liquid splash down onto them, becoming absorbed into each of them. Oo~h… actually, how good even was that? Only Komi really got hurt enough to warrant a potion…

Speaking of, I think we should go mug that freakin' noob with the backpack and potions…!

Taking a breath, Renko stands up with her scissors drawn. "C'mon, Merry. I think we can at least handle this healer of theirs…"

Maribel springs up, ready for some revenge! "Alright…"

Ho ho ho! Hanger raised, I start sprinting towards this Brittany character! "Wahuehuehu~e!"

Noticing us approach, her eyes widen and she starts running past the side of the mirror and into the open…

As we near, she raises her copy of Fragile Flower. "Mine Square!"

 _Bwoomp_. All around her, a square of beige variants of the same magical pad that blew up and freed Komi before formed. This large square of like sixteen mines kept us from Brittany, and Brittany from us.

"We've been bamboozled…!" I look down at the mines! They are indeed very mine-y…!

"What kind of spell is this…?" Maribel wonders what trickery this is!

"Landmines, Merry." Renko aptly replies.

...Maribel just gives her a dry look.

Renko grins back. "They're landmines."

Landmines. Whelp, unless we can jump over these, we're kinda at a stand still. Considering Brittany's stayin' in the middle of the square, I don't think she can walk over them either. Good fight.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Matt turns to Remilia while fighting unfolds all around the garden table. "How's the weather?"

Remilia just gives him the driest of glares. "We're _outside_. You can _see_. Actually- no, you can't and never will. That's the weather."

...Matt just nods at that.

 _Fwoom_. Dark magic flares up from beneath him.

"...Now I _really_ can't see." He looks around randomly, apparently blinded. Get owned, noob, get owned.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

At this point, the sun's almost set completely, all this fighting taking place in the azure glow of the darkening atmosphere...

Shikome has pulled herself out of the beige roof planks! She's currently strafing around and looking up at the bomb maid who's trying to pin her with stickies…

"Stand sti~ll!" Koi whines at the death loli, probably well over fifty feet in the air. "I wanna blow you u~p!"

 _Fwoom!_ An amber spike shot into the air from the hole in the floor where Komi resided. Yeah, we needed _that_ bitch back. Thanks a lot, _Brittany_.

In the next moment, Komi was to the side of Shikome.

"Fission Firaga!" Komi jabbed her hanger into the floor-

 _Fwroar!_ A geyser of flames erupted from the wooden planks, a series of fireballs gushing from the wooden roof surface.

Spla-spla-splash! Instantly, Sakuya's water knives attack the blaze...

"Mrrm…" Rumia rolls over on the table, knocking over another tea cup. Before it can even fall off the table, it vanishes. Freakin'... yo.

Shikome's eyes widen slightly as she glances back at Rumia. Then, she leaps back from the geyser of fireballs and flames.

Komi darts from it, hanger pointed straight at Shikome. " _Dark Firaga!_ "

Moving forward with similar speed to Komi's, Shikome ducks under the fairy's fireball and the fairy herself, and rotates around to grab the maid by the butt-

The fairy's form dissipates in her hands. Them jukes, bro, them jukes!

" _Suffer!_ " Komi appears behind her-

Shikome darts forward to avoid Komi's downward combo finisher by distancing herself-

 _Fwam!_ A splash of darkness erupts as Komi brings her hanger down, failing to hit the death loli.

Turning around, Shikome sees that Komi's seemingly stuck in her kneeling position post-attack-

"Pathetic." Komi appears behind her _again_ , ready to replicate the same combo finisher-

Crouching, Shikome thrusts herself back by stabbing her tendrils into the floor.

 _Fwam!_ Komi ends up going _over_ Shikome entirely, her downward slash missing 'n' striking the floor and blah blah blah magic.

Thrusting forward, Shikome nimbly slides her hands up Komi's skirt, grabs the fairy by the ass, and tugs upward-

" _Uoa~oh…!?_ " Komi's eyes widen. Shikome just gave her a freakin' _atomic wedgie…!_ Oo~h!

"Stand still, dammit!" Koi bellows down at the two. "I can't throw bombs if yer all hoppin' and leapin' like fleas and shit…!"

A moment later, Komi's form dissipates mid-wedgie.

...She appears a few feet away, trying to stumble away from the loli. "Ho-holy shit…" She just tried to escape a wedgie by moving faster than the human eye. I think she's gonna need those panties surgically removed…!

Looking back up at Koi, Shikome quickly darted over to Komi, and lifted her.

"Hey- fuck…" Komi wiggles in her grasp, as the loli gives her a few practice jerks… and then tosses her up at Koi.

Koi grins widely. "Hahaha~! We playin' 'Catch the Komi' now!?" Arms extended, she braces herself for Komi…

"Oof!" Komi knocks her back a little on impact.

...While that was goin' down, me and the girls are havin' our own fun in the minefield over here…

Brittany's still just standing in the middle of the mines. Me, Maribel, and Renko have drawn a coffee table from my bag, and are working together to try and poke her with it…

"We have you surrounded!" I yell across the mines! "At least from this side!"

As it turns out, the mines don't explode for coffee tables. This is a good thing.

Suddenly, Renko and Merry stop trying to help me move the table, forcing me to plop it down in the middle of the mine wall. It's big enough to extend past it entirely, 'cause each wall is just one layer of mines.

How big is a mine? Oh, abou~t… let's say twice the size of a common pillow. Good measurements, yo. Their gold glowing actually made them really pretty in the night...

Maribel starts crawling onto the table. "I think… this should work."

"Uhm…" Brittany starts looking around, focused. Nervous, but focused!

Maribel starts crawling across-

 _Fwoom!_ Oh, fuck! The mine explodes, launching Maribel and the coffee table.

" _Merry!_ " Acting quickly, Renko runs after her friend to break her fall.

"Holy fuck…!" I raise Hard Winter to keep the table from fucking my day up! It ends up freakin' leaning against me, and I have ta push it off...

Renko leaps after Maribel, gaining surprising air-

"Woah…" Three feet up, she catches Maribel awkwardly. "Uhm…" Musta been 'cause of her scissors!

Maribel squirms in her arms. "Aah… wow. That-"

Thu-thud. They land on the ground, both falling down. They both seem like they landed a'ight, though...

However, the minefield is now open 'cause of that one mine that's gone! Nice field, noob!

I slide in through the gap!

Brittany walks over the rear mines.

...Yeah, just like, straight up. She just walked over them, no harm no foul.

I look down at the mines she waltzed over, then up at her.

She smirks at me. Yo~u freakin'...

"Mine Field!" She raises her hanger into the air!

 _Bwoomp_.

…

Not only is the box of mines I'm in filled with mines… but I am also now trapped in by said mines. And now mines have generated around the box. Mines are also now on other mines.

Son of a bitch, Brittany just trapped my ass. Goddamn it. If I move a step in any direction I am gonna get juggled like freakin'...

"Alright…" Back on her feet, Maribel readjusts her poofy hat. "They don't actually hurt that bad. They just throw you really far…"

For me, that's not much better! With the amount of mines that've boxed me in, I'm gonna get freakin' launched sky high!

...Actually, y'know what? I wonder if that counts as blast jumping. Likely depends on if they're bomb elemental or not, probably.

Renko starts darting around the side of the mine mania, only for Brittany to skip right into the midst of all her mines. Yeah, it doesn't seem like her own mines affect her. She is surprisingly deceptive for how unassumingly timid she comes off as…!

Of course, she doesn't look too timid _now_. She looks like she's having fun with this.

Whelp, might as well look back at what the big noobs are doing…

Koi's closer to the ground for some reason, while Komi seems to be getting her panties out of her ass…

 _Woosh!_ One of Shikome's tendrils darts up after her, but Koi jerks up into the air past its max length. "Nope! Can't get me!"

Shikome jumps twenty feet herself, and extends another tendril.

"Oah!?" Koi was latched onto by her leg!

Komi leapt from the fairy's arms to stay further away from the murder loli. "Hoh…!"

Propelled towards the orange-haired maid as she pulled her closer, Shikome held the fairy's panties in one hand, her other arm outstretched to the side as it pulled back on and retracted its tendril.

"Hey- wait- timeout- _omph_ … _!_ " Once they met, Shikome shoved her hand into the fairy's mouth. Koi's orange and white striped panties ended up halfway into her own mouth. "Mmgh…!" Freakin'...!

Pushing her arm forward, Shikome tilted Koi to face the floor back first, so that when they landed Koi'd just get annihilated by gravity...

Her arm's motion also shoved the panties in deeper. "Nngh! Nnn~!" Koi blinked rapidly, tears threatening to form in her eyes more from her gag reflex than anything else-

 _Thud!_ The two landed on the roof, Koi's arms splayed out at her sides.

" _Mnn~gh!_ " Koi let out a muffled yell through the panties that were deep in her mouth. "Ghkh…" Her eyes watered up slightly.

...Neutrally, Shikome stood.

Koi was unwilling to get back up, the fairy's vision spinning as she lied limply on the floor.

"What's yours is _mine!_ "

To Shikome's side, the domineering fairy maid floated into the air, her hanger hovering behind her back. Before her, three prism-like cubes of glass formed in the air, and she aimed her arm forward.

Ti-ti-ti-ti-tick. Immediately, a series of red reticles lit up on Shikome's form-

 _Fwvrrrrr~!_ A person-sized dark laser stretched forward towards Shikome.

...Shikome simply stood in it, the dark magic evidently not effective on her. After a still moment, she ran through the black and blue laser.

I'm glad Shikome's deciding to eat this shit and not me! Freakin'... I'd like to know again when Komi became a freakin' notable fighter. Also, it seems as if Shikome's darkness immune. She must be weak to holy, then! That took rocket science to figure out!

She began to gain on Komi-

The prism cubes spread out and began dissipating.

Tick. One of the reticles on Shikome's form lit up again.

 _Woosh!_ With blinding speed, Komi roared forward, her jab shrouded in a coat of dark magic that was pouring from her hanger.

 _Shink!_ "Nn…" Shikome stops in place after Komi's jab partially rolls off her shoulder, making a small incision.

Turning around, she watches Komi continue soaring-

 _Woash_. Komi vanished in a fluctuation of darkness.

Tick. Another reticle lights up on Shikome's form, cueing her in on what's about to happen.

This time, she leaps-

 _Woosh!_ Komi soars under her, missing.

 _Woash_. Komi disappears again after she's missed.

...For a moment, everything's quiet as Komi remains hidden.

"Heal _this._ " Komi appears many feet above Shikome! Her hanger flows freely with dark energy as she stabs it down towards the ground-

Watching her coming, Shikome steps out of the way-

 _Fwam- Fwow- Fwam- Fwoah- Fwow!_ Bright purple, black, and blue splashes of dark magic erupt around Komi, creating a small maelstrom of darkness that I had to freakin' look away from. Why's it _bright!?_ It's darkness!

"Now _that_ was real power!" Komi, please…!

"...Stupid…" I hear Shikome's voice as the dark inky black smoke fades! Aw, the murder loli _speaks_.

Komi's still in a kneeling posture that she took at the end of her last attack. Shikome simply stares at her.

…

After a moment, Shikome folds her arms and continues staring at her.

…

Unenthusiastically, she sends a tendril forward towards the still fairy slowly...

...Once it reaches the fairy and gives it a poke, the fairy dissipates.

"Domination!" Komi's voice is heard behind Shikome, from the same distance but in the opposite direction. "Helm Splitter!"

The dark fairy maid accelerates into the air, before descending upon Shikome with a downward thrusting attack-

Shikome reaches up and grabs the hanger as it comes down-

 _Fwa~sh!_ Ice blooms out from where it was clutched, shards and frost running all along Shikome's body. Oo~f...

"Ngh…" Slightly hardening her face, Shikome jerks the hanger from the fairy anyway. "You are _annoying_."

"Woah…!?" Komi gets pulled along with the hanger momentarily, only to throw herself back and allow herself to roll across the floor. "Gah…"

...With the hanger in hand, Shikome swung it a few times before dismissively tossing it aside.

Reaching into the hammerspace back around her waist, Komi tried to crawl. "Fu-fuck you- agh!"

Shikome was immediately on her back, pressing the fairy's body down with her leg. Bringing her hands forward, Shikome grabbed onto the fairy's wings, and-

 _Rii~p!_

" _Aaauu_ _~h!_ " Komi roared in pain. Shiee~ut...

...Thud. Komi's face hit the wood floor as she splayed out on her stomach, one arm still halfway through the hammerspace bag she had.

The blaze that had been started by her Fission Firaga earlier was long since extinguished, some of Sakuya's knives still stuck in the wood where it was.

…

Hoh. Remind me not to screw with demon loli. Not without some _wheels_.

I turn, only to see Brittany standing next to me, a hand to her mouth as she stares at Komi. She looks like she's about to freakin' _cry_.

Jerking my head back, I just look at her...

...Once she notices me, she swiftly reels Fragile Flower back-

 _Clo~ng!_ ...It's a good thing my sun helmet was on! No jaw whack for you, son-

 _Boom!_ Oo~h, fuck, I stumbled back into a mine. Maribel's right about them not hurting, but-

 _Boom!_ The mine five feet below me explodes, propelling me further into the air. Okay-

 _Boom!_ The mine _ten feet_ below me explodes. What's the effective radius of these things!?

 _Boom!_ Alright, fifteen feet. It seems to be fifteen feet. That's a deceptive height for such tiny freakin'... roomba pads.

… As I fall, I execute my second jump, allowing me to fall back onto my ass from normal momentum instead of twenty-foot-drop momentum!

 _Thud_. Ow. Still hurts, though…

Maribel and Renko were crouched to the side of the minefield, trying to discover bold new ways to not get fucked up by it in order to get to me. Unfortunately, I'd already got gotten, yo…!

Now that I'm on the other side of the minefield… it's just me and freakin' _Brittany,_ yo.

She walks up to me with Fragile Flower ready. Are… you sure about that?

I point at her hanger. "You sure you wanna use that?"

She points it to my left. "Oh- oh? Uhm… yeah." She points it to my right!

"'Cause, y'know, freakin'..." I grin, which I can do 'cause my visor's up! "That's probably the worst weapon, unless it's your only weapon. In which case you should probably just use yer bare damn hands." It _halves_ your strength and defense. Well, not _exactly_ half, but for us freakin' noobs it may as well be half. Or more…!

She points it to her right-

A red pad generates. Uuh…

She points it to her left, another red pad generating. What's the big idea, here…!?

I look to my own left and right, seeing that she'd placed pads there with her previous gestures. Son of a-

"Remote Detonation!" She jerks the hanger into the air-

 _BOOM_

The blasts shatter the edges and corners of the floor around us, prompting us to fall down! "Huwoa~h!" Yo ho ho~!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...We both double jump before we hit the hallway floor inside. Translucent fairy wings flare up behind Brittany as she executes hers.

"Okay…" Freakin'... we're alone in some obscure hallway of the mansion now. "Who the _frik_ 're you?"

She just frowns at me. Aw, cool.

She's got too much 'a eerily similar shit for me to just wave off the coincidences. That's like my hair, except tame, and like five times longer. My eyes're blue too, and I feel like that face shape is a little too similar for comfort…!

I gotta say though, yo, it's lookin' smooth! Mine's not…

"You…" She blinks at me after givin' me the _stare_ for a few moments. "Your name's Brad, right?"

Mmm~! Gee! "I don't know, yo, _maybe_."

Snorting, she looks away for a moment. "Is it true? That-... you've only been here for the fall so far. Fall season, I mean."

...After a moment, I nod. "Yeah, yo. What, you have a wife an' kids? Well, husbando, freakin'..." My biggest question is why you're a maid girl now! Unless she's from some weird whacky world where I was always a chick and cross dressed as dudes.

"Why?" Brittany asks a question, for some reason! "...Why did that window lead _here?_ What kind of cosmic screw up is this?"

Hoh. "A _good one_ , yo."

...Her brows furrow at my jest.

"I've… been in Gensokyo for a year now." Brittany informs me levelly. Hoh, shit…! "I live at the Scarlet Devil Mansion."

Yeah, your uniform kinda gave that away. "...You were pretty buddy buddy wit' them fairies, weren't'cha?"

"Why aren't you?" Brittany responds immediately!

I snort. "...You said wat now." It's a little hard when they try to just kick my shit in…!

"It's not a joke." She sighs. "...You've met them before, right?"

"Yeah, yo." I nod! "An' I beat the shit outta' them!"

...Oh, shit. She doesn't look like she liked that answer!

Grinning, I change my answer! "I give them foot rubs and make them Kool-Aid?"

"You…" She sighs again, like some angsty freakin' teen. Aah! "Wow. I'm glad I'm not you."

Oo~f! Yo! Ho ho ho~... man. Wait- before I get hype about me talking down to myself…

I point at her. "Were you ever a dude?"

...She gives me a dry look, for a moment, before replying neutrally. "I was once just like you."

...I'm not sure if that's the answer I'm looking for. "Bo~y or girl? Freakin'- open your pants and check!"

"Boy. I was a boy." She gives me a dry look again! "I thought that was implicit."

" _You're_ implicit." I jeer at her. "When'd, u~h… you _not_ be a boy?"

"Technically day two." Brittany looked away.

Day two? Ho~h, shit, talk about a timeline split. I don't remember chopping my dick off on day two. That would've been a hell of a way to start this…!

"You should talk with the fairies more." Brittany starts tellin' me what to do! "I'm sure they'll help you like they helped me."

I let my arms ragdoll. "Yeah, help me cut my dick off. How about _no_."

Rolling her eyes, Brittany steps towards me. "Seriously. I-... I know you need more love than you get."

Wooa~h! Hold up now, son! Them's fightin' words!

I just stare at her with a stupid grin. "...Y'said _what!?_ "

She scrunches her face. "You know what I said."

"No, I don't! I'm looking for clarification!" I raise my hands and shake them to gesture!

She raises a hand to gesture with it, too. "You need people! You can't just- you can't just… what have you been doing?"

Pfft. "Running around aimlessly…?"

"You can't just keep running around aimlessly." She throws her arm outward for effect. "Brad. Talk to Komi, she-"

"Yo, yo yo yo." I hold up an arm. "Son, no." No Komi time. It is not and never will be Komi time.

Brittany jerks her head back. "Oh, come on…" Raising her arms, she shakes 'em, too! "Look- I'm trying to _help you_ , and you-"

"No, no, no, son." I shut other me down. "I _got_ a home girl, yo."

...Brittany pauses. "You do? Who?"

"She's a fairy." I grin.

"Who?" My own inquiring mind wants to know!

"Ha-chan. Hana, if you know her." I try to fold my arms, but Hard Winter makes that impossible so I settle for looking like a dumbass.

…

Oo~h, that was not the right answer, apparently. Brittany's starting to grin, in the same way I start to grin when I get annoyed! "Aah. Yeah. That _bitch_."

O~kay, we are not gonna end this discussion on a good foot. "Yo, what's it with you 'n' her, yo?" Yo. Note to self: say yo more often, yo.

"How far've you even _come?_ " Brittany seems disappointed, yo. "You've…" Looking away for a moment, she looks back at me. "You can still fix this, if you're not a retard."

I back up from her. "Nah, mate. I'm not about that lopping my dick off kinda life."

Brittany huffs. "I still _have_ a dick."

Oh. "...I'm not sure if that's better or worse." I don't kno~w how to react to that! Well, at least you get to have sex with the fairies, so that's one thing you did right. Wait-

I hold my arm up, hand out- "Yo."

She furrows her brows at me.

"Do you get to sex the fairies." My own inquiring mind wants to know, again.

...She blinks. "Well… do you?"

"Just tell me." Fucking… "I'm _you_."

"Yes, yes I do." Other me nods in confirmation! Then, she holds herself. "...It's about as... _rapey_ as you'd imagine."

Aaw, yo. He's the me who was about that life, yo. I give him a thumbs up! "Oo~h. Well~ have fun with that, yo. For reals." Legitimately, I don't think that kind of progression path would be terrible, but that ain't me, son.

She blinks, before accepting this answer… then she continues with her freakin' stupid argument. "You can live like me, too."

"I'm gonna force feed you shoes." I inform her. "No, I ain't livin' like you, _noob_. You do you, I do me."

"I- I understand that! You think I don't!?" Brittany gets angry! "...I understand that better than you, I'm sure."

Oh okay. Yeah, sure…

I look up at the ceiling, noticing Renko and Merry looking inside. Oh, shit.

Noticing where I'm looking, Brittany looks there, and has a similar reaction to me. "Oh, good."

...Maribel waves down at us. "Hey~!"

"Yo~!" I wave back!

Brittany turns to me, sighing as she steps about anxiously. "Seriously, listen to me. Whatever you're thinking-"

"How about _you_ listen ta _me_ , son?" I grin incredulously at Brittany. We're _still_ going on about this…!? I guess I am kinda stubborn…

...Frowning, Brittany folds her arms.

I change the topic entirely. "How'd ya get named Brittany?"

She seems thrown off by the topic change. "Oh- uh… Komi. Komi named me that."

…

No comment. I don't have words for that. It- it just _is_.

For some reason I wanna both cringe and grin.

"No, don't look at me like that." Brittany glares at me. "You fucking idiot, don't look at me like that." Pfft…!

I can't stop this look of just _no comment_ on my face, son. I think your sitchiation's cool and all, but it's not my _style_ … I'd also rather not be that close to freakin'... Komi.

"You go around with that bitch, you- you overlook something so important and… just _you_." She seems bamboozled, yo.

I raise my hanger. "Can we shut up and fight?"

"Just what _I_ was thinking." Reaching back, she puts away Fragile Flower. Oh, she has more shit than I thought! "I'm gonna beat the stupid out of you… _son_." That last part sounds weird coming outta her mouth…!

Reaching her other arm back into her big backpack, she pulls out a hanger I distinctly recognize as Solemn Magnolia. I forget what that hanger did… one was pretty good, and the other was just no magic flailing wildly.

" _Aerora_ _!_ " Brittany props her arms into the air-

Woosh! A barrier of wind whirls around her form. Oo~h, that's not a bad skill, actually… if I remember correctly, that like, _halves_ incoming damage. Brittany's definitely been in a few fights!

"Mine Square!" Again, she thrusts her hanger into the air, and creates a square of mines around herself.

I buff myself up with Hard Winter! Step right up and get some, yo…!

Strafing to the edge of her barrier of mines, she shifts about. I just stand kinda unassumingly to bait her…

…

After a moment of us being freakin' fluffy, Brittany is the first to act! Dashing across her mines, she runs towards me, before jumping into the air. Translucent, green fairy wings flare behind her cosmetically as she does so.

Then, she jumps again, and I brace for-

She jumps a third time, soaring over me-

She jumps a _fourth_ time, spinning directly over me. I guard with Hard Winter-

 _Cla~ng!_ Our hangers meet-

 _Fwish!_ Fuck- ouch, that's like a paper-

 _Fwish!_ -cut! Yo, yo!

Thrusting Hard Winter upward to make Brittany lose what little balance she had atop my hanger, I retreat back a little.

 _Thud._ Brittany lands on the ground, before promptly triple jumping backwards to get back onto her feet.

"Don't you remember what higher tiers of Aero do?" Brittany grins at me. "Did you _forget?_ "

Freakin'... oh, right. Higher tiers of Aero in Kingdom Hearts I made the wind shield damage enemies too. That's some bullshit!

...Man, those wind slashes actually sting, too! I can see those getting bad later, but if there's another thing I remember, it's that Aero runs out really fast and you have to keep recasting it!

Now back up, Brittany just runs at me again, trying to repeat what she did earlier.

On her second jump, I just run forward and raise my hanger over head like a sledgehammer-

 _Thu-Cli~ng!_ It hits her as she tries to pass over me, knocking her back. The wind shield makes a clinging noise, too, keying me in on the fact it is indeed a shield.

 _Fwish!_ My brief proximity with the wind shield leads to me getting damaged! Freakin'...!

Aw, dude! Mana prizes're splayed out across the ground…!

"Gnh…" She frowns. "What _is_ that weapon?"

Ooh. Ohoho. She dunno what I can do, son! "C'mere, lemme show ya!"

"Mine Field!" She casts another mine spell, walling off the other end of the hallway. "Fine."

She starts runnin' towards me…

I guard as she just comes out _swingin'_ -

Clank! She hits my hanger, before transitioning smoothly into a jab-

Clank! I barely block that shit 'cause it's a jab-

Clank! Jesus, slow down! I don't move that fast!

For her combo finisher, Brittany spun around quicker than I could take advantage of, unleashing a solid blow… that I blocked again.

 _Cla~ng!_ My arms felt that one!

Fwish! Ow. Your wind shield can go fuck itself.

Ignoring the wind, I jab forward with Hard Winter-

 _Thu-Cli~ng!_ It makes her flinch back, but doesn't actually do much 'cause of her wind shield. Oo~h, if only I had dispel…!

Due to my _combo plus_ , I transition smoothly into a clunky side blow-

 _Thu-Cli~ng!_ She stumbles back from this one. Blow to the ribs instead 'a the shoulder!

Lotsa mana prizes lying around now! I should strafe into some when I get the chance...

"Ghhn…" She seethes. "How do you block _everything?_ "

"Plant hangers, son!" I grin at her!

...Taking some steps back, she seems to reconsider her strategy, before shaking her head.

Brittany and I strafe around each other like noobs, allowing me to collect some neat mana prizes off the floor by _stomping_ on them. This is actually pretty fun, if I'm gonna be honest, yo. The fight, not the prizes, even if those are fun too. I've always liked mirror matches…

"Bind!" She thrusts her hanger into the air. A shockwave of some kinda non-elemental yellow energy rushes out from her, and I end up with this freakin' ring around my form. It's all staticy, and-... okay. I can move my limbs, but if I walk I can't go anywhere.

Grinning, she starts leaping around me, circling me with two consecutive jumps, which I counter just by freakin'... turning around-

 _Cla~ng!_ She brings her hanger down in an overhead swing, but I block it.

Leaping away, she frowns. "This isn't going anywhere."

"Well, when you only load up on annoying binding spells…!" I run in place after her!

Taking a deep breath, Brittany just kinda watches me… until I'm free!

Then I stop running at her!

...I should try a different hanger. Maybe fire- no, wait, Sakuya'd freakin' make me eat shit and die.

You know what, yo. I take out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, wieldin' it with my free hand.

I also pocket Hard Winter. It's got some legit spells, but I've got some things that should make this fun, and I'll just take it back out if shit gets hard to evade.

"You…" Brittany stumbles back, as her wind shield fades. "Why do you have so many weapons? How do you carry- nevermind..." She notices my hammerspace sack.

"Why don't you, yo?" I counter!

"...I don't need them." She smirks at me, before-

 _Woosh!_ She slides towards me! "'Cause you're wide _open!_ "

I move to clash my hanger with hers-

 _Clang- Boom!_

"Gufah!?" She's thrown backwards, and ends up sliding back on her ass!

"Gnh…" I didn't take that blast so well, either, but that was a good time!

While she's down, I throw the hanger at her again-

 _Boom!_ It explodes on her!

" _Oua~h!_ " Oh, shit. That must've fucking hurt, 'cause she's writhing.

Di~ng. This badge on Brittany's chest lights up, and her body seems to glow with green energy reminiscent of a casted potion's after effects.

...Y'know, I should probably do something about that auto-heal pin. Like, right now.

...Getting back up, she starts scrambling for the Bawmber to use herself. That… gives me an idea. I wanted to kinda do this earlier when I first drew it, but now I think I'm okay with even more stupid bullshit strategies.

I draw Market Gardener with one arm. I'm not sure what to do with Deep Blue now since it's not all that useful. I think I'll put it away, for now…!

Now armed with the bomb hanger… Brittany strafes to a nearby couch, and puts it down.

Freakin'- yo! "What're ya, freakin' stoopid!?"

Snorting, she holds her hanger up over it-

 _Bwoomp_. Oh, she just placed a mine on it. Count Market Gardener out until I move that couch! What a buzzkill, yo, what a buzzkill.

…

Putting away Market Gardener, I stratemagize for once, 'cause I'm fightin' _myself_.

She's got that auto-heal or whatever pin, which sucks and should burn, so I think I~'ll try and remove that!

Do I have any weapons that excel super at freakin'... hanger on hanger combat? I don't think Youkai Inconveniencer counts.

...Oh! Bringing out Swordbreaker, I progress towards her again…! The ridges on this thing are made to catch onto weapons and kick ass! I _do_ also have Sharper than Darkness, which should be good if I get my ass handed to me.

Bringing up Solemn Magnolia again, she starts to progress towards me once I progress towards her. She musta taken my thinkin' moment as a breather.

"Hoh!" She comes in swingin'-

Cli~ng! I parry her with Swordbreaker, our weapons interlocking and forcing us both to just stand still really close to each other.

In this moment, I reach for her potion-shaped badge and _pu~ll_ -

Ri~p! Ho ho! Came off like adhesive!

"Wh-what!?" Her eyes widen! Her grip loosens, too. "How!?"

In her surprise, I un-interlock my weapon… and we just kinda stand there.

She looked down at her outfit, then at me. "How did you-... know?"

Freakin'... "It _glowed!_ All sparkly and shit! You glowed after it glowed!"

"No one's ever targetted that before…" Brittany was still freakin' surprised.

"'Cause they're fookin' stoopid." I reiterate the premise! But anyway... "We gonna hit each other over the head with hangers like full grown men or what?" ...The ironic part is that we're still teenagers!

I hear a voice from the hole above! "Look out below!" It's Matt!

...Thud. He dropped in Komi's wingless body, which landed on its stomach.

...Oh.

A moment later, Koi fell in-

"Mngh…" Plopping atop Komi, she blinks a few times. She was still conscious, albeit probably unwillingly!

"He-hey, uhm…" Namori complains about something in the hole above. "Please, if you- aah!"

 _Bam!_ Namori hits the ground _huge ass icicle arms_ first, unable to get up off her stomach 'cause of them.

Clink. Clink. Her giant icicle wing things fall in behind her. "...Ow."

...I gesture to them. "All your friends are here, son."

...Brittany looks disturbed. Like, furrowed brows, freakin'...

Looking up and pointing about where Matt is, she scowls. "Who the hell was _that?_ "

Aw, yo. "That was Matt, yo."

Brittany just turns to me, still both disgusted and confused. "Who?"

"Krockorocostar." I grin at her! Good buddy ol' pal Matt from my good ol' internet days! Sounded like a murderer, talked like a murderer, and then he came here and, to my surprise, actually murdered. He's fluffy, though… when he's not killin' my home girls that is. Or innocent bystanders on my watch. Freakin'...

...Her eyebrows rise, and she slowly nods. "It... all makes sense now."

Reaching for the pack on her back, which some people might call a backpack, she started putting away Solemn Magnolia…

I blink. "What, we done fighting?" I'm half glad 'cause I'm kinda exhausted, but at the same time I figured she had more. I've only seen one hanger, and it's a boring good weapon!

"No." Reaching in, she began to take out another weapon. What was it, that Faithless Digitalis? This should be over soon, then… 'cause that 'hulkamania minus spells' hanger is freakin' terrible!

Oh, I guessed wrong, it's not that hanger. It's… something pretty freakin' bulky. Is that even a hanger?

It looks more like a freakin' canister with ornate metalworking and a stupid swiffer handle. It was like, if you took a wiffle duster, and replaced the fluffy duster bit with a brass and tin can. What the frik is that!?

Kri-krik, kri-krik, kri-krik. Brittany presses on the handle, and the canister _spins_.

...I slowly point at it. "You gonna fuck me in the ass wit' that?"

Brittany snorts. "Freaking… no. Actually, yes."

"Too late, son." I point at the floor. "Put it down, yo. Your stolen goods are now forfeit."

"You can do i~t." Namori unenthusiastically cheers Brittany on from her heap on the floor, still trying to pull herself up.

"Mmngh." Koi _probably_ cheered for her, too.

Komi was just zonked. Probably passed out! Normally fairies poof before they can pass out from pain…

Kri-kri-krik. Kri-krik. Okay- what is that freakin' McDonalds toy that Brittany took out?

Reaching into her backpack of tricks and limited inventory space, Brittany took out a frilly, black pair of panties.

...I just raise my eyebrows. Where's she goin' wit' this?

Bringing the pair of panties put to the canister, Brittany held it over one of the slots in the design of the canister-

Cli-click. The canister seemingly accepted the panties through a slot on it.

"Komi…" Brittany lets out a sigh, taking a glance back at the bodies, and resting both hands on the base of her… super wiffle duster panty vending machine thing. I got no idea what the fuck you call that.

Fwoom! The canister lights up with black energy, which travels along the weapon and into Brittany herself.

"What in the _nine fucks_ is that…?" I gesture to her _omega wiffle duster_.

"It's a plant hanger." She informs me.

"No it ain't!" I shake my head! "You hang a plant from that shit, it'll slide off and break!"

Brittany _smiles_. "I suppose. It is called, 'Ends of the Earth'."

…Alright then, yo. I feel like- no, I _do_ know that name from somewhere. It makes sense she'd be about as inspired as I am!

Bringing up Swordbreaker, I briefly consider switching to a safer option, but nah. Screw it, yo, it has that easy to disarm duster handle.

With that settled, Brittany began to move again.

Lumbering towards me, she reeled the super duster back like a freakin' club, 'cause it pretty much _was_.

Then, she thrusts it into the air! "Blind!"

 _Fwoa~sh_. A dark shockwave spread out from her, and- oo~h, yeah. Does what it says on the tin! After it ran across me, I'm… not _necessarily_ blind, but the only things I can see are like, the flames of the hall's candles.

Since I can't see shit, I just start strafing backwards and swinging my hanger. "Ho ho ho!"

 _Woo~sh!_ I hear her swing-

 _Whack!_ Ouu~ch!? Holy shit! Nearly knocked me the fuck over-

 _Fwam!_ The next hit's vaguely magical. God da-

 _Fwa-fwa-fwa-fwam!_ The final hit does some bullshit that I can barely make out 'cause it's bright, but it felt like a _really_ magically accented thrust.

"Fu-fuck…!" Once the hits release me, I'm thrown back into one of the hall's side walls-

 _Bam!_ Oww~...

Dropping Swordbreaker, I scramble onto my legs and just dart to the side aimlessly as I pull out Youkai Inconveniencer. If she's gonna cast dark shit, I'm gonna cast light shit…!

 _Woosh- woosh!_ I hear her swing behind me-

 _Bam!_ ...That hit the wall, not me!

Channeling mana into Youkai Inconveniencer, I thrust it into the air. Do that flash attack thing!

 _Fwa~sh!_ The room was briefly visible for a moment, before flickering back into darkness.

"Ah…!?" Brittany was blinded! "What the fuck…?"

I channel more mana into the hanger…!

 _Fwa~sh!_ Second verse, same as the first!

 _Woosh, woosh!_ Brittany swings somewhere in the darkness… but it doesn't hit anything!

Oh, hey! Vision's comin' back, yo…

Turning to where Brittany is, I point the hanger at her-

 _Fwoom!_ An orb of light generates at her position, knocking her back.

"Anh!?" She's actually _launched_ by it. I don't think it had _that_ much power…

...Landing, Brittany bares her teeth, before drawing two more pairs of panties from her backpack. "Namori, Koi, come to my aid!"

The actual not-Namori tries to prop herself up, but her icicle arms weigh her down. "No~ can do…"

"Mnnh!" Koi lets out a muffled yell, still lying on the floor with a mouth fulla' freakin' panties. She's a little more together-looking, though.

 _Fwa-fwa~sh!_ Brittany's form lights up with blue and orange energy, which eventually combines with the black to make this mystic brown aura around her…

"Balloonra!" Brittany jabs her freakin' panty machine into the air-

Bwoom-bwoom-bwoom-bwoom. Person-sized balloons form in the air around her, glistening unnaturally brightly and with fun fruity colors…

"Balloon!" She jabs her weapon into the air again, before gasping and stumbling to the side. "Ah-aah…"

...Looking over at me, she grimaces, her spell not executing. The balloons from Balloonra are still active, though.

Channeling mana into Youkai Inconveniencer again… I once again cast Shine on her-

 _Fwoom!_ A sphere of light generates inside her again, expanding.

"Ugh…" She withers on the spot, but doesn't seem too beat up once it ends, unlike last time.

Oof. Reaching into my bag, I start to draw one of my mana potions, 'cause I feel like I need it. All this casting I've been doing, yo… s'too much!

Before I can pull one out, the balloons stop being immobile and rocket towards me! What the fuck-

 _Pop!_

Woa~h!

 _Bam!_ Tha~t threw me into the wall-

 _Pop-pop-pop-pop!_

Ow~. More bubbles slammed into me and popped. I mean, that wasn't terrible for some reason, but that's fucking insane knockback. The initial hit against the wall left me a slight dizzy, though…

"Ok-okay…" I peel off the wall and land on my legs like a jackass. "Ngh…"

Brittany huffs, before slamming Ends of the Earth into the floor-

 _Cla~ng!_ Yeah, break it, yo, break it-

A white and blue magical circle appears under me, glowing ominously…

Brittany points at me, a shit eating grin on her face. " _Freeze!_ "

 _Fwa~sh!_ Snowflakes roar up from the circle under my body…!

...A~nd I'm perfectly fine! I've got max ice and freeze resist, _bitch!_

Grinning back, I begin to climb to my feet, drawin' that mana potion…!

Brittany double takes. "What…? No, no, timeout!"

Uncorking the potion, I chug it.

...I wanna sigh, but I'm drinking. Freakin'... this shit sucks. It does its job, but it _su~cks…!_

"Mngh…" I wipe my lips after I dust off the mana potion, and toss the glass aside.

It vanishes before it hits the floor. Sakuya's watching…!

"My freeze spell! Why- why didn't it… work?" Eyebrows raised, Brittany just points at me in disbelief. "How?"

Marching towards her with my mana restored, I beam! "I'm _ice elemental_ now, _son!_ Ya shoulda cast _scan!_ "

"What…!?" Eyes widening, she brings her super doofy weapon machine up as I near her. "How!?"

"C'mere, _son!_ " Fuck it, yo! I chuck Youkai Inconveniencer at her and just freakin' run at her!

She moves to parry the hanger I threw, before sluggishly trying to swing the big weapon at me-

"Omf…!" She grunts as I just freakin' tackle her!

"Raa~h!" Keep pushing! I've got strength buffs keep pushing-

She drops her own weapon and begins pushing back, the aura around her form fading once she lets go of the weapon. "You- ngh- you dumbass…!"

Bum rushing always works! "Wahaha!"

...After some struggle, I push Brittany back into the wall.

"Nn~gh…" Grimacing, she looks away. Her strength is about on par with mine, but I really threw her off guard there.

…

Well, I think I won.

"I-I'm out of mana…" Brittany admits somewhat sheepishly. "I didn't… think I'd need mana potions today."

"Noob." Git gud son.

"...Do what you will with me." She looks down, frowning and pursing her lips.

"We're gonna have kinky sex." I inform her.

...She doesn't reply- hell, she actually like, recoiled like I was serious. Freakin'...

"But not really." I back away from her, givin' her her space back. "Freakin'... force 'a habit, huh?"

"Mhm." She acknowledges this. "I mean… yeah, force of habit."

...You _betta_ not've been thinkin' what I think you were thinkin', or you really _are_ gettin' your dick lopped off, yo.

Freaki~n'... "Fairies _actually_ rape you more than they joke about rapin' ya don't they?"

"A-ah." She grins, her face reddening a little. "Yeah. I... don't hate it, though."

I'd probably agree with her on that, but I chose not to get raped and she… may have? Actually, there's still a fuckton of things I wanna ask her.

…

After a quiet moment, I stretch. Brittany seems to be waiting for me to tell her what to do, for some reason. "Lemme just freakin' collect all my crap, yo, and then we'll head on up to the roof."

"Sounds good." She's cool with that!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The real challenge was getting past those freakin' minefields Brittany setup. Turns out she can't just poof 'em away, once she casts them they're there to stay!

Anyway, we're on the roof again, now, and it's like, night. No- it's not _like_ night, it _is_ night!

Craters, holes, and scorch marks mare the rooftop…

Remilia had two additional garden tables set up a little ways away from hers- where Matt 'n' Shikome still are- for me and the freakin' goon squad here.

Maribel and Renko are both sitting to my left, keepin' together and drinkin' fine teas.

...Furrowing her brows, Merry comments on the tea. "It tastes iron-y for some reason…" Remilia, you fuck, why are you feeding us your blood tea? Ah, whatever…

Renko snorts. "It's probably refined blood or something. The mistress _is_ a vampire, isn't she?"

"...That makes sense." Maribel accepts this. "...Wait- ew! Blood…!?" Maribel no longer accepts this!

Renko looks over at me. "It's not actually blood, right?"

… I just kinda grin at her.

"Right?" She wants confirmation!

Across from us, Brittany sits between Komi and Koi, both of whom are just freakin' facedown on the table. Namori's actually free from her icicle arms now, though.

I also gave Brittany her shit back earlier, 'cause I know how terrifying it is to not have your shit.

Lookin' over at Renko, I shake my head. "You are drinking the blood of innocents, who have been slaughtered en masse for the comfort and leisure of two vampires."

Renko snorts. "Yeah, I thought not. It's probably just flavoring, Merry." Ho ho ho…! In reality though I don't think Remilia's about that life… at least not too much. I never really looked deep inta her basement, but I don't think she'd just let me _see_ the skoolatoons in her closet… if she's got any. Yo, blood's gotta come from _somewhere_.

Brittany grins at me, shaking her head. "Truth is stranger than fiction." Oh, shit, she knows something. I suppose she would, all things considered...

Koi raises her head off the table, before taking a sip of the tea before herself. "...Ma~n. This place's some hard shit." I think you guys just got exceedingly unlucky, Shikome being here and all…

Komi's still dead, her wings gone. Well, with us, but dead inside. Aw...

Namori seems to just be passively observing…

...So~, let's get this interrogation on the road!

"When the frik didja, uh… decide to become a fairy friend?" I ask not me.

She seems to be sliding a potion outta her bag. "...Well, the first day I came here, Mistress Komi pushed me down, and…" Trailing off, Brittany leaves the rest to implication, _smiling at her recollection_. "Yeah."

When'd you start callin' her mistress!? Did I miss something? Freakin'...

I try to think back to my first day here in Gensokyo. That was a long ass time ago, but it's hard to forget when it was such a big freakin' change in my life. It was also just a month ago, and my memory's not _that_ awful...

"Do you have a doll named London?" I give 'er my next question!

She blinks, looking over at me as she tries to prop Komi up in her chair. "U~hm… no. A what?"

Yeah, that'd explain a lot… if I didn't have London for those early days, I woulda gotten freakin' torn into. I don't like to use London so much anymore 'cause she uses a lot of mana and I like gettin' experience in on my own… and sometimes I just forget I have her. So many attack options…!

"Nevermind, yo…" I just shake my head. So that time Komi threw me down on day one and London killed her… if London didn't kill her, we just woulda had sex then and there and I woulda turned out to be this trap lookin' dude sittin' before me.

Life's fuckin' weird, dude…!

After getting Komi into a sitting up position, Brittany tilts the fairy's head back, and pours the green potion's contents into her mouth…

...After a moment, the green energy runs across Komi's body. Her wings begin to freakin'... _regrow_.

"Nngh…!" Gritting her teeth, her eyes snap open. "Fu- nngh- fuck…"

Thud. She flops on the table, writhing as her wings regrow. "Gnn~h…!"

…

Once they're fully regrown, she flaps them a bit, and rests her head on the table again. "Nnn~..."

Brittany pats her on the back. "Are you alright?"

"Nnn." ...Probably not, all things considered. Wings must be a real critical point for fairies...

Next question! "How the hell'd your fairy pals get so _strong?_ " Seriously…!

Brittany looks over at me again, smiling. "Oh, well… we went on a lot of adventures together, and I've kinda been trying my best to build them up."

"Hehehe~..." Koi giggles from her seat, swirling her tea around. "Brittany-chan's a smart girl, yeah?"

"We've also had a year to do things." Brittany adds. "You've just been in Gensokyo for a month."

S'a good point. Freakin' less time to grind…

"Brad." Namori calls me by my name. Hearin' it always sounds kinda weird…! "Do you know any of us in this version of Gensokyo?"

I tilt my hand back and forth. "Aah, not really. They're some goons I beat up now and again, usually in self-defense, 'cause freakin'... yeah."

Namori just smiles, looking away. "I see…" Aw.

Brittany shakes her head. "I still think you're a retard."

"Pfft…" Maribel's caught off guard by the vicious statement!

Floppin' my arms on the table, I look over at Brittany. "What do you know that I don't…!?"

Lookin' over at Komi again, Brittany looks back at me, looking conflicted. "Well…"

Komi raises her head, back from hell! " _She_ knows how to pick her lovers. You- hnn…" Taking a moment, Komi shifts her posture, sitting upright. "Your bitches kinda suck."

...I raise a brow.

Rolling her eyes, Komi gestures to Merry and Renko. "Them. They can't fight worth shit."

...They just kinda shrug in response.

Maribel adopts a smug expression. "I didn't get my wings ripped off…"

Komi leers at her. "I'll rip _your_ wings off." Hoh, shit...

"Mistress." Brittany addresses Komi. "I don't think we should start another fight…"

...Komi glances over at Brittany, before folding her arms and leaning back. "Fine."

Smirking, I counter Komi's point. "Well, at least I got friends that're friends, yo."

...This statement attracts the attention of all four of them. Oof.

Brittany sighs, rubbing her forehead. "I was so stupid a year ago…"

Komi glares at me. "You better shut the fuck up."

Koi just rolls her eyes, and Namori looks away without saying anything.

...I flop my arms on the table again! "Whaddaya want from me, yo…!?"

"Hey." Renko taps on the metal garden table we're at. "...Brad two."

"Her name's Brittany-..." Komi interjects, only for Brittany to put a hand on her shoulder to calm her down.

"Yeah?" Brittany looks over at Renko with an expression of waning patience…!

"What are they to you?" Renko asks the tough question! "Your fairies."

…After a fidgety moment, Brittany replies by wrapping an arm around Komi. "My lo-lovers."

"Uhm…" Komi seems to be caught off guard!

I don't even know what I'm watching at this point.

"This is what you miss." Brittany slowly reddens as she makes her case! "I'm… not just their toy, not anymore. After a year together… I-I mean, do you know how long a year _is?_ "

To accent her point, she leans towards Komi, and swiftly kisses her neck.

"Not- not in front of the morons, damn it…" Komi actually freakin' stops to pry her off. "... I'll have to punish you for that later."

Brittany seems to tense at that, before slowly grinning. "Yes, Mistress Komi."

This is some kinky shit right here. Like… legitimately.

...I look over at Renko. She seems to have gotten more than she bargained for! "Okay…"

Maribel just has a grin on her face, unsure of how to react…!

Koi suddenly perks up! "Oi! Didn't, aa~h… didn't we see those girls who looked like us, that we blew up?"

...Brittany and Komi looked over at her, intrigued by the idea.

"Ma~n. We oughta find 'em again and fuck 'em." Koi smiles widely. "I always wanted to fuck myself!"

Freakin'... life is strange, yo.

"Well…" Scratching her cheek, Komi seems a bit more mellow 'cause of the affection. "Yeah, we could do that if we see them again." Looking over at me, she grins. "You're invited too, boy, even if your looks are a little rough. I'm sure you'd service us just as much as Brittany-chan has over here…"

Brittany gives me a solid look, and just mouths 'do it' to me. That moment when you try to peer pressure yourself, literally.

Koi stands up, leaning across the table at my soft friends. "You girls, too! We know how to make ya feel goo~d!"

Merry's brow twitches. "Haha, thanks, but u~h… I've had enough getting molested for awhile."

"I've had enough molesting for a while." Renko slouches, giving the table a dour stare…

Koi just giggles before plopping back down into her chair. "Aa~h… well, if ya ever change yer minds, I'm up for it any time!"

Namori speaks up! "Brad, have you had sex before?" Freakin'...!

I grin widely as I nod at her…! "I have sex once eve~ry half second…!"

"So you haven't." Namori smiles… before getting up and starting to walk around the table.

Yo no. As she rounds it, she keeps her eyes on me. "You know, I could… teach you a-"

"No~pe, nope nope." I hold up a leg to push her back incase she gets too close! "I know all I need to know, son!"

Namori pouts, stopping before she got within pushable distance. "Rea~lly? Haven't you ever thought about it, though?"

"That's a me thing, yo, that's a me thing…!" These fairies are sex fiends! This is nothing new but freakin'...!

Namori smirks. "But I want it to be a _me_ thing, too~!" Since when did Namori try so hard!?

"No~ that's okay…!" I shake my head! "You do you, me do me."

"I do you?" Holy shit Namori…!

"Hehehe…" Brittany _giggles_. Hearing a voice almost like mine except feminine giggle is some spooky shit. "Leave him alone, Namori-chan. He's not as used to it as we are."

"But I wanna make him used to it…" Slowly, Namori meanders back around the table. "He's like… you, but uncorrupted."

I don't know how to feel about this, son, so I'm just gonna be super unresponsive…!

Matt looks over from the nearby table with the freakin' lolis. "You're a pimp now, son."

Freakin'! "Son, no one asked you…!"

We all glance over at Matt, but Brittany takes this moment to conversate with him! "...Hi~, Matt!" She waves at him!

...Matt seemingly looks her over. "Who the fuck are you."

Brittany grins, snorting. "Aaw. But it's me~, Leego." Hoh, shit, I remember that nickname!

...Matt looks around idly. "I need an adult."

"Don't listen to him, yo." I give my own advice! "He's a trap girl…!"

From over here, I see somethin' long and purple slowly sliding beneath the table's surface, visible through how the garden table's surface is more like interlocking painted metal and less of just a solid surface.

It's slowly progressing towards Remilia, who's just kinda sipping her tea as she passively observes our discussion…

The tendril slowly advances towards her… before it reaches up her skirt and pokes the inside of her leg-

"Ah- what!?" Springing up, Remilia kicked her legs!

 _Thud._ Her chair fell backwards, plopping her on the floor behind it head first. The tendril had darted back 'cause of this activity.

…

All the fairy chicks're just watching her with bated breath, and so's my party.

Matt seems to be slowly trying to vacate the premise-

Fwoom! White and purple magic flares up under his form, causing him to look around without rhyme or reason. "Great…"

Remilia springs back up, her arms now on the table before we could even see anything!

...She looks at Shikome levelly. "Would you kindly get the hell out of here?"

Shikome tilts her head.

"As in…" Remilia points to the edge of the roof. "Jump off the roof, go over the fence, don't look back."

"I don't want to." Shikome replies aptly.

"No, no, that's quite alright." Remilia shoos her with a hand. "Shoo, shoo."

"No." Shikome shakes her head.

Aw. Loli conflicts, dude.

...Remilia glares at her. "You will. Your company is not desired at this moment."

"I thought I made myself clear. I will not move from this spot based on your petty whims." Yo ho ho. Shikome can speak pretentious, too!

…

"Fufufu~..." Remilia laughs. "What an amusing girl. If you do not leave by your own hand, it will be seen so."

I hear the sound of chairs pushing back. Looking over, I see the four maid girls are getting up and just freakin' vacating to the other side of the roof…

Renko and Maribel start to follow them hesitantly, too. Hoh, shit…! Maybe I should go, too!

"I seek no ordinance from anyone, especially not so from an unadulterated degenerate wight such as yourself." Shikome talks down to freakin' Remilia…!

Remilia grins at her. "Oho? Well, then. If you are so confident, then how about we dance?"

...Oh, it seems everyone 'cept Matt's also moving for the stairwell into the manor proper. I think I'll just do that, then! That, and this chapter has freakin'... had enough fighting! Good luck, Matt!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"You won't like Mistress Remilia when she's angry." Brittany prefaces as we march down the stairs back into the halls.

I think I could've told us that… oh, wait, I did. Wahaha! "Nah, I think we'd all like her when she's angry. She's rather nice when she's angry."

…Brittany just gives me a grin.

"Hah." Koi lets out a flat laugh. "Why don'cha go back up there and have her sit on ya, then?"

"Being sat on is not a common occurrence for me." I confess to her. I don't think getting sat on is one of my top priorities.

We reach the bottom of the staircase!

Koi starts to strafe closer to me… "I can fix that, buddy. Brittany-chan'd know, right Brittany-chan?"

"Koi-chan has a huge ass." Brittany's grin takes on a whole different meaning…!

Still panning her head around, Komi seems to take the lead for whatever reason. "...This place. It looks pretty much identical to our mansion."

Hoh. Probably 'cause it is…

"I bet our room's all undecorated." Brittany ventures. "The me here doesn't seem to really live here."

"Did you ever see us, in your home… dimension?" Maribel poses a question!

Brittany shakes her head. "Nope. I know who you are, but yeah."

...Tilting her head, Maribel expresses confusion. "How'd you know me if you never saw me?"

"...It's complicated." Brittany decides. Ho ho!

…

"Where're we goin'?" I have no fucking clue where Komi's taking us.

"We're going to check out our room- or, you know, what _should_ be our room." She informs us. "...If it's in working order, we'll probably use it, too. It _is_ pretty late."

Brittany has a half-smile at that. "Mmm~. So much for that cottage I packed."

...I blink at her. "You're carrying an entire goddamn cottage on you?"

"They're actually really tiny prior to setup." Brittany grins at me. "Like… it's a magic thing."

Oh, that makes sense. Freakin'... magic, yo.

"It is pretty late…" Maribel stretches fluffily. "Mnn~..."

"Why don'cha sleep with us?" Koi suddenly brushed up to Maribel's side, and wraps an arm around her waist. Since Koi's so short, it's like, her equivalent of wrapping an arm around Merry's shoulder.

"Ahah, no thanks." Gently, Maribel pushes the horny fairy away. "I'd rather not wake up to an orgy or something. Or to find Brittany naked and standing over my bed."

Brittany seems taken aback by this sudden call out. "I'd do what now?"

"Yeah, Brittany-chan." Still leading us down the hallway, Komi glances back to jeer at her lover. "You don't have to masturbate to women as they sleep. That's what you have _us_ for…"

...Brittany folds her arms, enduring the teasing. Honh, honh…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After way too long of just walking forward without progress, we reach a clearing…

It's like a big room that has a hallway cuttin' through the midst of it. Doors line the walls on either side of this large room, but the ceiling's still level with the hallway's.

Some generic furnishings- scarlet couches and rich mahogany end tables and the likes- decorated the clearing, but otherwise it was wide and barren.

"Wo~w…" Koi lets out a breath at this. "It's like we were never here, huh?"

"Huh." Komi's brows are furrowed. "...Yeah. Kinda weird…"

Namori and Brittany both dart up to a featureless door and swing it open, progressing into the room.

The other fairies jog after them, and me and my friends just meander after them in vague interest… and also the fact we're freakin' lost.

Walking in, I notice that it's a rather cozy room, actually. There's a big window in the back that apparently shows some section of the exterior wall and the foliage beyond it, and there's like three beds in here.

"...It's almost kind of sad." Namori looks around the room with a somber-ish expression.

"Right?" Brittany looks over at me disapprovingly. "...It's not gonna be used ever, probably."

Komi huffed, shaking her head. "Awful." Turning to me, she just glowers. "You better get your shit together."

I grin at her. "Son, it's a work to be employed, and we're all self-employed."

"...The fuck does that even mean?" Shaking her head, she starts moving towards the middle bed. "Whatever. Come, Brittany-chan." ...Oh geez she's rolling up her outfit too.

Brittany smiles, before she begins to remove her own maid outfit. "Okay, Komi-chan." Freakin'- wait for me to get out, will ya!?

Namori slides up beside me before heading for her own bed. "Now's your chance, Brit-... _Brad_." Saying my actual name seems to take deliberation! "Join them…!"

"I'm gonna shove fluffles down your shirt." I threaten her. "No, yo, no." I also don't think sleeping with myself would be a good idea… mostly 'cause _one_ of us is gonna rape the other, and we're _both_ gonna like it. Especially because she's _mostly_ a girl now.

...I look at the door, and see Maribel and Renko very anxiously stayin' _outside_ of it.

Namori latches onto my arm. "...Could you at least join _me?_ " Jesus…! She's good at catching _me_ off guard, which is sayin' something...!

"No~..." Get offa me, noob!

I start backin' out the door, but Namori keeps clingin' to my arm. "I won't do anything kinky. But- hey, c'mon…!" She starts tugging back as I try to retreat!

Moving up to help me, Maribel grabs onto my other arm! "No! We need our tour guide unmolested…!"

Renko moves to help her help me!

…Eventually, Namori stops applying as much pulling pressure. "I see how it is. Oka~y!" She lets go-

"Oof…" We all bump into one another. Freakin'...

Namori blows me a kiss. "Make sure you take care of them, _Brad-kun._ "

"Take it easy, ya freakin' _loon…!_ " I give Namori one of _those_ grins as I shut the door!

Bam. Door is shut, son.

...

...Renko sighs. "Those fairies are a handful."

"Is dimension traveling something that always happens?" Maribel asks me with furrowed brows! "'Cause if it is, Gensokyo's crazier than I thought…"

I shake my head. "S'a first for me too, yo…" Ho ho ho. I don't really wanna fuck with those fairies either- literally and figuratively- 'cause they're freakin'... stupid powerful.

Well, unless you count travel to Makai or Haku-however-you-spell-the-place-Yuyuko-lives, or Higan and so forth… in that sense dimensional travel's not that new!

"Let's go find a room…" Renko decides, looking around idly…

"Follow me, yo!" I gesture for them to follow! "We might take one of the rooms close by 'cause these might have more beds than most generic rooms."

"Can't we just take any room?" With a raised brow, Renko moves after me.

Shakin' my head, I pick a door across the room from the one the horny fairies hunkered down in. "Na~h. This place's full 'a rapist fairies, and there's no garunteein' those chicks'll stay in their room all night either."

...Renko seems slightly more perturbed! "O~kay. This is different from Satori's place…"

Swingin' open the door, I fi~nd…! Hoh. It's a pretty cozy room. It's got three beds, too, and looks similar to the last, except it's got a dusty dresser in the room's rear, and

"Yeah." Maribel agrees with her friend as we continue into that room I found. "Last time I was here, a succubus tried to jump me... and this world's versions of those fairies."

" _Succubus?_ " Renko stopped walking towards a bed to glance at Merry. "Do I even wanna know?"

"No." Shaking her head, Maribel plopped into one of the generic beds. "Aa~h… basically, we hit it until it stopped."

"Oh, okay." Giving up, Renko flopped onto the bed she was nearing before and succumbed to it. "Nnh…"

...Reaching through my bag 'a tricks, I pull out the London operating cross! Pointin' it at the floor, I use up some mana~...

...Oo~f. Even this far in my progression, it makes me feel like I freakin' died inside.

London floats in through the open bedroom door, and stops before me.

Again, I aim the cross. This time, I aim it at the crevice between Renko's bed and the front door. "There, yo." I press the red button on the cross!

London navigates to the corner. Now if any rapists step in, the moment they go through the door they'll get their day fucked up.

Oh, yeah. "London, if ya see anyone who isn't me, the girls in these beds, or a fairy wit' _specifically_ cyan hair, fuck 'em."

London swings her lance idly. Wahaha!

...Yeah, I'm pooped.

Sprinting 'round Renko's bed, I jog over to the bed a little ways down from it and roll into it-

Oo~h. Sweet relief, man. Aaa~h… I can feel my heart beating, for some reason. Was I really that freakin'... caught up in what I was doing? Oof.

…

As I lie there, staring at the ceiling, sleep takes me quickly.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 66

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Hard Winter - A earth/ice-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice! Allows the user to cast Ice Shard. Extends combo length by one artificially. Allows the user to jump out out of combos smoothly, and leave frost in their trail.

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I _would_ like to know where it actually _puts_ all my stuff though…

==o==

WEAPONS:

Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! It better, with a name like 'Swordbreaker'. Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! May cast Flash, an attack that blinds; works best on darkness elementals and youkai. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can cast Gust. By the addition of a steel block, its attack and magic attack increased slightly. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites stuff on impact. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle, allowing the user to cast Flamethrower Plus! Allows the user to cast Fume.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Can produce limitless fresh water. Boosts the power of water skills. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style; physical attack increased, physical defense lowered. User bleeds out faster. Can cast Revenge, an attack that increases in power the lower the user's health is. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to let it cut!

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Lowers defense slightly. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger is slightly electric and holy elemental. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy…

==o==

ARMOR:

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Seventy-five percent time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!

Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means _business, son_. _One hundred percent_ ice resistance, and as such renders me immune to all magical ice damage. Dunno 'bout icicles and stuff, though. Fifty percent freeze resistance… not that freezing will hurt me with this thing on. Fifty percent dark resistance. Negative fifty percent fire and burning resistance. Hopefully hides me a bit when navigating in the freakin' brush...

Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! Fifty percent sun resistance, one hundred percent freezing and blinding resistance. Also gives immunity to electrical stunning. It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.

Lunarian Prototype Space Suit - A suit meant for combat in deep space. So far, it's only got the whole 'exist in deep space' part down…! _One hundred percent_ electric resistant. One hundred percent freezing resistant. Has an oxygen tank, but that's only useful if you wear the helmet to go along with it. Randomly casts Zero Gravity when it feels like it.

Lunarian Prototype Deep Space Helmet - It's a freakin' helmet. Fifty percent blinding resistant! When worn with the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit, it also confers immunity to burning and poison, along with _another_ one hundred percent electricity resistance. Yo…!

Testing Oxygen Tank - The oxygen tank used by the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit. Lasts for two and a half minutes! Not meant to actually be used outside of testing, but it's possible. Refills automatically in breathable air.

MP Prize Pin - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field. For awhile only the user(s) of this badge may pick them up, but after a grace period anyone can. Extends prize grabbing range!

==o==

CONSUMABLES/OTHER:

Forty one thousand, two hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!

Seven Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Mega Potion - Youkai-like regen for thirty seconds… except for the whole family! Applies to entire party. Good for when we all suck at life!

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Three Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on _debuffs_ , though...

WebDings Book about Foreign Juices - Wahaha! This better fetch a price on the market!

Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Rope of Red Bikinis - Wahaha! Gonna getcha, son!

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I _really_ have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

==o==

Maribel Hearn, the University Student

WEAPON: Porcelain Mirror - A plant hanger made with curiously chrome materials. Reflects small projectiles it hits. Allows the user to cast Reflect. May cast Reflect with certain skills.

INVENTORY:

[Suitcase] - Holds her stuff. Gives five inventory spaces!

Drawings - Her drawing stuff!

Writing Utensils - Crayons, pencils, pens… hoh hoh!

Dreamcatcher - A holy hanger. May cast Talisman Seal on impact. Casts Talisman Seal with certain skills. Boosts the power of holy skills. Grants fifty percent resistance to syphoning and cursing.

Cast-Iron Plant Hanger - A sturdy plant hanger made of solid metal.

Umbrella - It helps stop the dreaded sky water.

[MP Prize Pin] - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field. For awhile only the user(s) of this badge may pick them up, but after a grace period anyone can. Extends prize grabbing range! Uses no inventory space when worn.

[no space remaining]

==o==

Renko Usami, the University Student

WEAPON: Counterweight - Black and gold scissors, with elaborate handles. Every enemy on the field increases combo length by one attack. Every enemy on the field increases jump height and defense by .3x, starting at a base of 1.0x with one enemy. Twenty five percent space resistance granted. User is immune to shoe-glue status when enemies are present. When equipped with no enemies on the field, inflicts shoe-glue status, preventing the user from jumping.

OFFHAND: Umbrella - It helps stop the dreaded sky water.

==o==

INVENTORY:

Steel Scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Sunfire Scissors - Casts Sunfire Flare on impact. Boosts the power of Sun elemental attacks.

[MP Prize Pin] - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field. For awhile only the user(s) of this badge may pick them up, but after a grace period anyone can. Extends prize grabbing range! Uses no inventory space when worn.

[one space remaining]

==o==

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

hi world

man that was a lotta fighting wasn't it

still i think it turned out aight; i purposefully went over with some of the other interactions to make up for the tons and tons of combat, but even so things just kinda turned out how they turned out

wanted a little more interaction with BRITTANY but we can do that next chapter a bit; especially where interramagations are concerned - w -

i was hyped up for this moment for AWHILE but after execution i dunno how well i did

i feel like the fight with brittany coulda been shortened but y'know i think it was okay for what it was

the fight with shikome vs the fairies should be varied enough to not be overly confusing, in my opinion, at least if someone pays close attention; i took care to look it over and make sure it read coherently and wasn't too vague

 _if you wanna modif_ y how short/long/often fight scenes are though you gotta drop a review and speak ta me…! i ain't no psyker, yo!

oh yeah i've also got some remasters of the earlier chapters of this fic in the works 'cause enough was enough and i thought they were really really bad and needed help

so yeah - w -

as always, see you all next time!


	84. Fog of Fluff 'n' Stuff

(in which we have a fluffcast day)

…

"Nn~h…" Aw…

I awaken to the weight of a fairy on me. Despite me flopping onto the bed last night- if I recall correctly- I'm now all tucked in…

Ha-chan lies on my chest, drooling. Since I still got all my clothing on, that's not nearly as curious feeling as it could be.

…

Looking around, I see Merry and Renko up and at 'em across the room, staring out the window we got situated here.

Oh, and Brittany's here, watching me sleep. What is this, a freakin' show? Why the frik didn't London mow ya down?

...Brittany notices my awakeness! "Your Hana is not our Hana."

Cool, good morning.

"Nn~gh…" I start to sit up, and end up taking Ha-chan with me a little-

"Mnm…" She shifts a little, and the awkward positioning of the pillow behind me causes me to make no progress towards freedom. Freakin'...

"Maauu~..." At least her yawn's not in my face! That's the good part, yo…

She hugs me, and I feel her press herself against me. Oo~kay yo, we got company, as much as I'd like to do the stuff and things I kinda need to be up and ready like the rest of 'em, yo...

You know, I just realized… how do fairies sleep normally and in beds if they've got those wings?

...Idly, I lift the cover a little over both of us and check.

Ah. Since Ha-chan's just lying on her stomach, her wings are just outstretched under the blankets, taking up the empty space.

…

I try to wake her up by touching one.

Thu-thu-thump. Her wings flick against the interior of the blanket a bit, before she crawls up my form more. "Noo~. I~ wanna sleep…"

Yo- hey, freakin'- aah…

I end up with Ha-chan lying down on me again, her left cheek against my right, and her covered breasts pressing into my chest. She's still got her maid outfit on, so the sensation's somewhat dulled, but still yo… maybe I'll just-

"Have you had sex yet?" Brittany steps along the side of my bed, and sits on the unoccupied bed to the left of mine.

"Burn." Not in the mood, yo, not in the mood… s'too early for this shit!

"Ha-chan…" I speak to my fairy to see if she lives.

"Nnn." She does!

"We gotta move yo." We shall adventure and the things.

"Nnn." ...I dunno what 'nnn' means, but she's not moving.

"We gotta go." I announce! "We gotta go yo, we- we gotta go!"

"No go." She squeezes me tighter. "No no go go."

Aaa~h, aaaa~h! "Alright, yo…"

…

After a quiet moment, I press my legs 'n' arms against the bed and make myself violently wiggle!

"Wa-wah…!" Ha-chan is shocked out of drowsiness! "He~y…"

"Hi." With this matter settled, I wait for her to rise…!

...She pouts at me, before doing as expected. "When you don't have friends along, I'm gonna _snuggle_ you."

Ah. I think I'm gonna look forward ta that…!

"Hana." Brittany immediately inserts herself as the third wheel. "...Tell me what the meaning of your flag is." What in the nine fucks are you talking about Brittany.

Ha-chan just blinks at her.

...The nonresponse doesn't communicate much, apparently, 'cause Brittany tries again. "What do you see in Brad?"

...Ha-chan looks at me and smiles. "He's soft, and warm to the touch." Atta girl!

Brittany's brows are furrowed now. "...Why does he love you?"

...Ha-chan smiles at her. "I dunno!" Pfft…! "He doesn't hurt me and he's nice, and we cuddle…"

...Brittany looks over at me, brow raised.

"S'unconditional, yo." I admit. "S'a simple thing, yo. Simplistically rewarding!"

"Intricately unrewarding." Dryly, Brittany begins to stand. "I wouldn't get friendly with her."

"I wouldn't get my dick lopped off, either." I jeer back. What, did they give ya periods, too?

Ha-chan frowns at not-me. "At least I'm not a meanie like you. I couldn't love _you_."

...Brittany has a wide smile at that, for some reason. "If only." Well, aren't you a freakin'... miserable pile 'a secrets?

...Taking a stiff posture, Brittany begins to step towards the door. "We~ll, with that... I will leave you alone. I have some things to do, and-"

Once Ha-chan's off me, I throw the covers off and spring into action! "Nah, none of this guessin' game bullshit! Drop ya crappy exposition and put ya hands up!" Especially if you plan to meander around aimlessly… like me!

...She freezes in place, only halfway around the bed, turning towards me. For some reason, she's perturbed at this. "Wh-why should I…?"

You brought it up! Aaa~h! "'Cause ya freakin' started _talkin' ta me_ about it. I ain't some crappy JRPG protagonist who'll let'cha... walk away 'n' only answer my questions after another five days of gameplay!"

At this point, Merry and Renko are giving us dry stares. Ho ho ho…!

...Consenting, Brittany sighs. "Hana's sort of an antagonist in my Gensokyo. And she respawns, so…"

Yo ho ho. "And here ya are frownin' at me for whaling on your antagonizin'… _'mistresses'_." Same setting, same problems!

Brittany frowns at me. "Frea- nhh... it's more than that!" Did she almost do a me thing? "You- you missed out on so much! Like… those girls are my family! I love them, and they love me, and-"

"I ge~t it, yo!" Chuckling, I walk around the bed towards her after idling shifin' in place for most of the conversation. "Circumstance does that, my man, girl, trap girl thing you." I don't know what to call you in all honesty…!

Turning away, Brittany starts to meander towards the door in a more relaxed, me-like manner. "I _guess_. I don't… know how I can convey it to you. What I know."

"By talking." Noob.

Glancing back at me, she rolls her eyes. "Hahaha _ha_ \- fuck you." Noob!

Chuckling, I lean against the freakin' cabinet-whatever-this-is next to the window. "Get ow~ned."

Oh. I just stole a peek at the floor, and Komi's actually lying on her stomach just inside the room, her hair disheveled and her face down in the carpet. Looks like London did her job after all… but ignores Brittany for some reason. Probably 'cause we're somewhat the same person...

…

Before Brittany leaves proper, she stops in the door, lookin' down at Komi and moving to pick her up. Yeah, yo. Collect your _lewd fairy_.

"And-…" She speaks a word before stopping, as she lifts the fairy bridal style. "...Heavy." Promptly, she turns and plops Komi onto a nearby bed.

Ha-chan starts stepping up to me, and I gingerly pan my head towards her…

After giving me another glance, Brittany looks away, successfully lifting Komi and stumbling out of the room with her in arms.

…

"You done talking to yourself?" Renko grins at me from the nearby window.

"Yeah, yo." Stretching, I ready to begin the everything!

"We should probably get to the shrine and head home soon…" Maribel laments aloud, staring out the window. "We've been here a couple more days than we bargained for…"

...Renko blanches. "Oh, crap. What day is it?" She looks over at me! "What's today?"

...I shru~g? "Fluff… day?" What day it is typically doesn't matter to me!

For some reason, Ha-chan got closer to me when I wasn't lookin'. Hoh…! Snug fairy, dude...

"I knew we shouldn't've come on a weekend…!" Renko's all prancy, now! "We're gonna miss today's classes, too. Fff~..."

"Oh, man…" Shaking her head, Maribel marches for the door. "That's gonna be fun when we get back. Let's just not think about it for now."

...After Renko's face goes for a rollercoaster ride of emotions, she sighs, letting it relax. "Alright. We gotta leave _today_ , though."

Ho ho. "Alright, yo. Let's make this a lightning fast run!" It is time to get us some breakfast, get us to the shrine, get us- well, the girls- the hell out, and hopefully we won't die during one of the steps of the process!

Marchin' behind Merry, I follow her out the door!

…

Out here, we've go~t… fairies!

With a lowering of her arm, Namori drops a suspended glob of water onto Komi-

 _Splash!_ "Wha- oah- oh holy shit…!" Komi flails her limbs, dark danmaku orbs randomly spiralling into the air around her. I wonder where our world's three fairy assholes are right now…

"Morni~n', bitch!" Koi leans over, yelling into Komi's face, before pulling yen coins out of her pocket and sprinkling them over the dark fairy. "Now dance, girl, dance!"

"Ngh- the fu~ck…?" Komi 'dances' by further flailing wildly, trying to bat away the coins.

...Ignoring the four fluffy fairy women, I meander forth into the halls. "Let us break the fast, yo. Break fast."

Maribel and Renko quietly follow me along, Ha-chan meandering out of the room behind them.

...Koi looks up, giving Ha-chan a sudden, furrowed brow stare. Namori glances over, too, and jerks her head back at the cyan-haired maid's existence.

Ha-chan doesn't notice them, moving snugly behind us. Noticing my stare, she smiles! "Hi."

"Hi, friend." I give her a wave. Aw.

...Yeah, the conscious fairies are all weirded out, minus Brittany who both already knows my shpiel and is also not a real fairy.

With that in mind, I promptly ignore it and-

Oh woah. Ha-chan stepped up to me and pecked me on the lips while I was thinkin'...

"Oo~h!?" Koi is amazed!

Namori looks jaded. "Wha~...?"

Komi just lies back down. "This world's fucking weird…"

Ha-chan steps back from me. "I surprised you!" Yeah, no shit…! Aah...

...I turn to see Merry 'n' Renko further down the hall, about to make a turn. Wait up, yo! "Let's go, yo!"

"Hehehe~!" Is this the return of Ha-chan trying to lewd me? That'd be… something.

Mental note to come back after a bit and disscussimate with Brittany and stuff. I've still got questions I wanna ask her, but I don't think she'll up and vaporize if I don't come back for a week! I gotta get my fluffy friends to the shrine and give the village a little look see...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We arrive at the dining room!

Like the other ten million times I've been here, it is big. Oh so very big. But not too big!

There's a myriad of maids in hea, too; all seated and in varying states of food consumption…

"Yellow-chan, did you take my socks?"

"...Mrrm!"

"Lay off her." Ganpeki's minding her business at the dining table with a freakin'... weirdly shaped piece of paper or something. "You don't need socks."

"...I might actually need my socks, Gan-chan." Poor generic fairy who doesn't even get the privilege of additional prose...

There doesn't seem to be anyone of note here at the moment, but it looks like this world's Komi, Koi and Namori are here. Freakin'...!

As we approach the table, Komi looks up at us. "Oh, lookie here. It's the bitches."

"I don't kno~w you…!" Maribel pulls down on her poofy hat, trying to just pass by her…

"I guess that mirror shit went well. Mistress didn't kick our ass when we respawned." Komi laments, looking down at her waffles…

Then, she stands, cracking her knuckles. "I'm not about to…" Pausing, she furrowed her brows at our numbers.

"She has literally three different people standing behind her." I cut to the chase, yo. It's the lightning round! "We're all fluffy, too."

"So?" Sneering, Komi gestures to her friends. "Koi, Namori, get up."

Namori's lying on the table, next to her half-eaten cereal. Koi was transfixed on her spoon for a moment, before looking over at her. "Huh- whah? Oh- hey! It's uh… Minnie?"

Maribel snorts at the butchering of her name. " _Maribel._ Did I even tell you what my name was?"

"Probably maybe." Standing up herself, Koi smugly smiles at us. "You know-"

"No, no sex, no boobs, no whatever." Fed up, Maribel just picks the seat before us and sits there. "No orgies, no… just no. Yeah." Satisfied with that, she simply shakes her head at the fairies…

Komi raises her leg onto the table, making it shake as she presses down into it. "Well, aren't _we_ confident?"

Koi hovers into the air next to her. "Hehehe~! You're not gonna be sayin' that when-..."

Sakuya is suddenly next to Maribel. "What would you care for, this morning?"

...Sheepishly, Maribel looks up at her. "Maybe some cookies…"

Sakuya vanishes, and immediately a plate of cookies was right before our soft friend.

"Wow." Maribel was baffled. "That… was fast."

"Well anyway!" Koi continues from where she left off. "When we lug ya back to our room, yer gonna- for cryin' out loud…" She slouches as Sakuya appears again, due to Renko taking a seat.

"What would you like?" Sakuya politely asks her for her order.

"Food." Renko jests. "Actually-"

Before Renko can say anything more, a plate of chicken strips is placed before her, the maid nowhere in sight.

"...I deserved this." Renko resigns herself, and begins eating the chicken strips with her hands…

Komi climbs onto the table, grinning. "Do you honestly believe I'm just going to stand here and-"

I take a seat next to Merry!

Sakuya's next to me, standing over me. "...Request something that exists, please."

Komi's had enough! " _Chief!_ "

...Sakuya just dryly looks up at her.

"Do you mind!?" Komi stomps forward on the table. "I'm trying to-"

Thu-thunk. Two knives slide into Komi's ribs, throwing her off the table.

"No standing on the table." Sakuya reprimanded her in monotone.

Thud. Komi lands on the floor back a few feet, tipped chairs lying in her wake and two silver knives embedded in her torso. "Fu-fuck…"

...I look back up at Sakuya, to see her calmly staring at me. As such, I make my order! "Something that exists."

…

After a small delay, Sakuya's gone.

I look at my plate, only to see she's placed a limbless fluffle on it.

"im neat" It tells me it's _really_ neat. Aw…

...Ha-chan seems to have sat next to me when I wasn't looking, already eating some waffles I don't think she even requested. Hoh.

After Komi was blown away, Koi floated back down. "Stupid chief. We need to find those clones of us and fuck 'em."

Aw. "A good fairy can get bad fairies and fuck 'em, and that's good!" I look down at my limbless fluffle breakfast. Freakin'...

Maribel turns to me. "How?"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Breakfast's done!

Jogging out of the dining room slowly, I look back repeatedly as Renko and Maribel just freakin'... step out leisurely behind me.

"Relax, you." Renko tells me to stop jogging speed runner style! "We don't have to _run_."

...Stoppin', I slouch. "Aw."

We're in the generic halls again! Couches, end tables, you name it. They were there before, they're there now.

I look over at a big picture of Remi on the wall to the right. "Look at that face, yo. Freakin'..."

Remi looks super aloof here. That's huggable, dude…

...Stepping forward, I look closely. This painting was actually painted with oils and shit. Wonder if Remi got it commissioned. That, or Sakuya went around shanking artists until she found one that'd comply.

"Painting." Maribel casually waves off its existence, passing by it.

"Big, too." Renko gives it a respectful nod as she passes it.

...You know what?

Walking up to the painting, I start fiddling with the side of it.

Renko stops, looking back at me. "Brad, no."

Son. "Look yo, I'm just-"

 _Thunk._ Somehow, me weakly fiddling with the side causes the painting to slide onto the floor, falling from its nail. It's still up against the wall, just on the floor now.

"Really." Renko is disappoint, yo. "If you break it, we're not paying for it."

...After a moment, the painting starts to fall forward!

I reach forward and grab it…! Hoh, freakin'... heavier than anticipated.

...Behind the painting is a tiny safe door, with a combination lock thing! Oo~h!

"Hey, yo!" I call out to the friends! "Ha-chan, c'mere and help me hold this!"

She bounds up from behind the girls giddily and grapples the side of the painting. "Can do~!"

...Sliding behind the painting, I put my hand on the combination lock and begin twisting!

…

Yeah, that's not going anywhere. I try to put my ear up to it like they do in the cartoons.

...Yeah, fuck lotta good that does. Whe~lp! I pull forward-

Thunk. It slides forward a little.

I push it back-

Thunk. It slides back inward a little. It's encased in a wooden box in the wall, the actual safe likely all metal.

...Shaking my head, I step out from behind the painting. "Let's just, u~h… leave that paintin' there."

Ha-chan tilts it against the wall. "Sure."

Merry and Renko're standing to the side, not terribly enthused about the safe I found in the wall.

"...You'd think they'd hide it somewhere more out of the way." Maribel reflects, before turning and continuing down the hall.

"Maybe it's there for a reason." Renko gives it slightly more reflection before following her friend.

Ha-chan and me follow behind them. It really doesn't matter who leads because these halls hate people.

...After some mind-drilling hallway walking, we pass a friend!

It's that stout blonde kid, yo. In good 'ol blue-ish maid attire, and those cardboard fairy wings...

He's got three… really tall fairy maids around him. They've got almost white hair- each fairy's a slightly different shade of red, blue, or green- but their haircuts and bodies otherwise are freakin' identical. They've also got white maid uniforms on.

"We should take him to the _bathroom_ next…" The vaguely blue-haired one swoons over the shortie.

The red-tinted one has her arms on his shoulders, speaking breathily "No, no. We need to take him to Code-cha~n."

"Ahuhuhu~. Code-cha~n, Code-cha~n!" Green-hair does little hops in place, beaming down at the kid. They're pretty airy-headed!

Clamming up, the kid just continues to slowly pace forward while they loom over him, blushing like a freakin' neon sign.

...The four of us just watch the other four pass, for a moment.

Once they're outta earshot, Maribel comments! "This place's starting to give me the heebie jeebies…"

Renko chuckles. "It's like a giant sex dungeon. I'd hate to walk in here alone."

Now I feel like maintaining my virginity's some kinda achievement!

"It's not so bad when you get used to it." Ha-chan defends the manor casually, as we start walking forward again. "My friends're fun! And it's kinda fun when someone just walks up to you and-"

"I don't wanna know." Maribel shuts down that ship before it sails. "All I see are perverts…!"

…

Ha-chan steps up to her curiously. "What's a pervert?"

...Maribel looks _haunted_ , yo.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We move outside the front door, and start proceeding across the manor lawn…

S'pretty abrupt how fast we left, and I still am bamboozled by Brittany's existence, but I think she'll stick around. If not, that mirror probably holds the answers. It's more like a stained glass thing now…

But anyway, outdoors! It's sorta overcast, today...

There's a fairy maid with bobby yellow hair out here that I haven't seen before. She's not Yellow-chan, 'cause Yellow had a ponytail in the back. She's just standing real casually, too…!

I point at her. "Y'know who that is, Ha-chan?"

"Uu~h…" Ha-chan _focuses_. Hoh! "Nope!" Aw.

...I meander towards her. "Hello, friend."

"Hi." She smiles at me.

…

Good conversation. I walk away, moving towards the gate…

"Good." Renko nods at me dryly. "Are you _trying_ for a random encounter?"

"Yes no maybe so." I admit. "Fairies are cuddly, yo." Not every day I see one just fluffing about outside the gate for no good reason.

...Reconsidering, I whirl back to face the fairy before opening the gate and leaving!

The fairy's not even paying attention to us, her gaze firmly on the manor's door.

…

"Wat'cha doin'?" I ask her as my party pauses around me.

"Keeping guard." She states. Oh, okay.

"From…?" I gesture my hands to implicate following through!

"Someone." Ah, yes, that answers all my questions. "I can't let them leave. Code-chan would lock me away until I got hungry and sad." ...Fairies can get hungry?

...Satisfied with that, I progress towards the gate. "Alright, yo. Keep on keepin' on!"

"Can do, Brad!" How in the- where'd this generic asshole get my name!?

...I stare back at her in slight bamboozlement, only to find her just smiling at us.

…

"Hn~h…" Maribel tries to push the gate open, but just gets fluffy up against it. "Why's this so heavy…?"

"It's a big metal gate, Merry." Renko counters, moving to help her push it. "Hn~h. Maybe too big and too metal…"

...Meiling's just to the left of the gate along the exterior wall, asleep. Nice.

Ha-chan raises a hand-

Zap! A tiny bolt strikes the top of the gate!

"Ow- ow, ow!" Merry leaps back from the gate, shaking her arms. "The stupid thing- it shocked me!"

"Jeez!" Renko leaps back, too. "Wo~w that stings. Man, static sucks…"

...I give Ha-chan a _stare_ , and she just rubs the back of her head. "Hehehe~..."

"Hey." Weird fairy that knows my name speaks up beside us. "I can help you, Brad."

Stop callin' me Brad…! "S'that so?"

"Yeah." She brings her arms together before herself. "You'll owe me, though."

" _Ass_." I decline her offer. "We'll just fight the gate until it dies."

...Saying nothing, she turns back to watch the door.

Pulling out Hard Winter, I hold it out. "Everyone, give this hanger a grab and channel mana into it!" We're gettin' a full party buff, son.

Merry immediately latches onto it.

...Reluctantly, Renko lays a hand on it.

Ha-chan's bein' fluffy and places her hand atop where mine is.

…

 _Shink!_ A spike of ice comes out of the ground next to us-

Fwooo~. An earthy magical circle generates somewhere in the air above us, hitting nothing.

The hanger starts to crackle with electricity, making us all drop it and shake our hands.

Thunk. It lands on the floor…

"Cool plan." Renko grimaces down at it. "Are we gonna play russian roulette next?"

Freakin'...! I was the only one who got a strength buff outta that!

Picking up my hanger again, I march up to the gate and start just whackin' it!

 _Cla~ng! Cla~ng! Cla~ng!_ Wahaha~!

"Noo~b!" I yell at it!

 _Cla~ng!_

…

"Maybe we should just ask the fairy for help." Maribel resolves.

Dropping Hard Winter, I draw Deep Blue, suddenly having an idea! "No, yo, no. Lemme do this one thing…"

...Moving to the side of the gate, I see where Meiling's leaning against it on the other side. Crouching down, I poke my hanger into the floor and yell for effect. " _Geysa~h!_ "

 _Fwuu~sh!_ A stout geyser erupted under Meiling!

"Wh- woah!?" She flails her limbs as she's launched into the air. "Wha~aah!?"

Success! "Noo~b! _Noo~b!_ " I yell out for her!

"What even just happened…?" Renko was next to me, trying to gauge what the hell I just did.

Thoom. Meiling lands on her legs after leaping off the top of the geyser. "Gee~z…"

"Yo, yo!" I start slamming my arm into the gate! "Friend, yo!"

...Meiling stares at me dryly, soaked and still drowsy. "Nngh- yeah, yeah, I felt ya, I kno~w…"

Hoh.

...I back up from the gate so it doesn't open in my face or something, and Renko does the same.

Meiling meanders up to the gate and gives it a brisk push-

Crrea~k. It swings open effortlessly.

"There…" With that, Meiling starts to lumber past us. "I'mma go get a towel. It's nippy out…"

"Have fun, yo." I give her a wave as my friends start to progress out of the manor walls proper.

…

In the next moment, I see that yellow haired frik standing closer to me, an examining expression on her face.

"You're freakin' creepy." I inform her!

...She doesn't seem fazed by the insult, a hand on her chin.

…

Okay, noob. Ignoring her, I grab 'n' store Hard Winter and Deep Blue before movin' to progress outside with the nugget company.

...It's slightly overcast, today! I dunno how cold it is, but Merry and Renko seem to be fine in their somewhat grimy rain coats.

...Ha-chan's just freakin' Ha-chan. I dunno where she puts her winter gear when she's not wearing it or dead, but she doesn't have it right now and seems fine!

"To the shrine!" I march forward, and jog a bit to get ahead of everyone!

…

It's gonna be a slow, overcast kinda day friends…

…

On our gradual progression towards the Misty Lake- which is pretty freakin' misty today- we pass by freakin'... _something_.

It looks like a mud monster, yo. Unlike the mud goo girl, it's just… a lumbering, huge hunched figure of mud and impossible body architecture.

Its arms end in earthy spikes, and it has no neck, instead just having a freakin' crag for a head. One big amber light on the middle gives it the impression of having an eye.

...As we pass it, it walks in the direction opposite us, ignoring us entirely.

"What was that…?" Merry just gives it an incredulous stare.

"Who knows." Renko dismisses its existence. "I think we'll be asking that question a lot the more we stick around here."

…

The path to the lake is still muddy with recent rainfall. Did it sprinkle overnight? When we got back to the surface, everything was dry.

As we near the lake proper, we begin to hear sobbing…

Coming up to the lake's shore, we see a small, blue-haired water fairy sitting by the shallows. Her wings are bunched up and smashed, and she's all caked in mud.

...We kinda stare at her as she cries into her dirty hands. "Ahuh… nn~aah…"

"Hey…" Maribel starts stepping towards her. "What's wrong."

"Wh-wh…!?" The fairy suddenly starts to clam up, seemingly trying to scramble towards the water-

"It's okay, I won't hurt you…!" Maribel holds up her hands diplomagically!

...Seemingly calming down, the fairy just stares at her unevenly with two dimly glowing eyes in the day's dark gloom. "Nn-nnh…?"

…

Smiling, Maribel opens her arms, crouching to the fairy's height. "Hug?"

…

The fairy's blue eyes stop glowing for some reason, unnaturally flickering dark, as if they were freakin' backlit.

Vrrr~. She lets out a weird whining sound-

Soundlessly, her head tilts back, the neck opening and revealing nothing biological, two whirling shafts of blades comprising the interior of her neck. Tiny, stick-like tools extend from her neck's exposed rims as she walks towards Maribel-

"Nevermind! Nevermind!" Swinging her suitcase wildly, Maribel backs up!

"That's not a fairy!" Ha-chan states the obvious!

"Alright- what _is_ that!?" Renko takes back her previous comment about the redundancy of asking what things were in Gensokyo!

Drawing Hard Winter, I freakin'... step between Maribel and the thing as Maribel falls back!

...The stick-like tools extending from its neck are small, almost indescribably so. The interior of her neck is somewhat chromey, but not futuristically so. This ain't no fairy, it's some kinda freakin' machine…

Oh, yeah, it has blenders in its neck for some reason. What the hell is this supposed to be.

As it walks towards me with its arms outstretched, I reel Hard Winter over my head a~nd… bring it _down-_

 _Bam!_ My blow to its neck place causes it to fall backwards onto its rear, humming unhealthily…

 _Whir- Whir- Whir…!_

Water seemingly soundlessly parts in the misty lake ahead. Three really tall, floating machines just extend out of the water fully, taking to the air above and before us. They're pod-like, the front faces of the black metal devices glowing with dim but really retro luminescent blue lights.

The bottom of the machines extends down in eight long, thin, grime-accented blades that slowly spin on a wheel as they float. They all emit air conditioner-esque hums… and the blades had to be at least twelve feet long.

"Let's just go!" Maribel starts running around the lakeside!

"Yeah!" Renko runs after her!

With little other choice, I run after them, and Ha-chan floats behind me…!

Instead of whirling at us like one might expect of bladed flying machines, they start shooting things from their boxy lights-

 _Pahp- pa- papa- pahppa~hp!_

Oblong, cyan bullets wildly roar after us with very little aim, all three machines just unloading what seem to be danmaku shots as they begin to spin in the air, following us along the lakeside.

The way they shoot is just literally flailing wildly, bullets goin' everywhere…

"Woaa~h!" Maribel yells as she sees three bullets slam into the ground before her!

One bullet hits Renko, and doesn't seem to do much but leave some residual energy and pain on her. " _Anh!_ Nn~h…!" It caused her to stumble for a moment, but she just keeps running, drawing her Counterweight scissors…

I jog in their wake! I've yet to be hit, somehow…

 _Zap!_ Ha-chan zaps one of 'em back-

 _Fwii~r…_

Upon contact with her weak ass zappy bolt, one of the machines was thrown way up in the air, smoke billowing beneath it as it soared up…

...It eventually landed in the water-

 _Bam!_ It let out a loud but still kinda weirdly quiet explosion, which didn't even really seem to leave anything behind after the machine was consumed by it. Cool enemies.

Once the other two finish their salvos of totally unaimed danmaku, they just hover in the air after us menacingly but meaninglessly…

 _Patatatat!_ Danmaku roars out from the air above us.

 _Fwii- Fwii~r…_ Two more machines were flung away at ridiculous speed almost instantly by the salvo of tiny blue bolts.

"Got one! Got one!" An actual water fairy seems to hover overhead, two friends in her wake behind her, all clad in nearly identical blue dresses.

 _Choo~m! Choo~m!_ Long, blue streaks of light roar from the forestry nearby-

 _Pi~chun- Pi~chun!_ The water fairy's friends are annihilated by them, causing her to just bolt into the mist over the lake at super speed…

 _Choo~m!_ A long laser lags after her, seemingly homing onto her in the fog. I dunno what happened from there. I didn't hear her die, though!

…

"I'm glad we're heading home now." Maribel is sufficiently creeped out by today's overcast.

"Yeah…" Renko rubs the spot where that danmaku bolt struck her.

Freakin'... with creepy weather comes creepy enemies, apparently.

==== FREAKIN GENSKOYO ====

The rest of the walk around the lake was curiously calm-

 _Choo~m, Choo~m!_

Echoing laser blasts notwithstanding! They're mostly in the distance and stuff.

In the brush to our left as we get onto the Hakurei path, some kinda super abstract, translucent entity just drifts through the trees. It looked kinda like a snowflake.

Maribel glanced it, and shuddered. "Nope, nope. Let's keep walking…!"

…

We're now on the Hakurei path proper!

From the forestry to our right, a similar curiously abstract entity starts drifting out towards our path segment, ignoring the foliage-

 _Fwa~sh!_ Suddenly, it's cut into three segments by three parallel, simultaneous incisions. Its form dissipates into water, splashing on the floor, but some kinda translucent shard also floats down from it-

 _Woo~sh_. A figure moving way too fast for me to make out takes the shard before it even touches the floor.

"I don't remember it being this weird out yesterday…" Renko reflects, slightly weary at the freakin' insane exchange we just watched.

I chuckle. "I don't remember it being this weird out ever!" While I have been mobbed by things, it's never been things one might mistake for a schizophrenic hallucination!

...As we near the Hakurei Shrine steps, we see Reimu standing in front of them. Aw…

She's stretching. "Hnn~..."

...While she stretches, we see a green-haired fairy hobble from the woods across the stairs. Its neck folds open, and it starts speed-stumbling towards Reimu-

 _Fwa-fwa-fwap_. Three ofuda land on it in an instant, doing nothing except making it stop in its tracks since it's a robot…

"Youkai Buster!" Reimu throws another volley of ofuda, which speed forward in direct lines, leaving blue tracer trails-

 _Thwash!_ The ofuda pass through the robot entirely, flinging it nearly back into the woods where it hobbled from.

Cla-clank. It lands on its back-

Reimu jumps, and disappears, her form fading out.

 _Bam!_ In the next moment, she fades back in over the robot and stomps down on its torso, crushing it.

Cr-cr-crack! Glass vials and vats inside it break, and its flesh-like skin rips open.

Raising her brows, Reimu leaps back and away from it-

 _Fwam, fwam!_ Magic starts to react violently within the robot, bubbles and small geysers erupting from it and clear liquid seeping up from the ground beneath-

 _Boom!_ It explodinated. Glass, metal, and fake fairy bits splash out of it, along with a bunch of water, despite it having green hair. Well, it _was_ kinda turquoise...

…

"What _are_ these things?" Reimu folds her arms, staring at the smoldering remains of the robot fairy.

"Friends." I annotate, stepping up to her with my posse.

...She almost looked like she was gonna _slug us_ for a moment, before realizing who we are. "Oh. You two ready to go?" She looks over Maribel and Renko…

"Yeah." Merry nods. "I've had enough insanity for a little while…"

"We've nearly been raped on multiple different occasions." Renko states plainly. "I'm investing in pepper spray."

...Reimu just gives me a glance before not caring. "Alright. Follow me up to the shrine… and watch your step. It's a little wet."

With that, Merry and Renko start to follow after her…

Maribel turns back to me, giving me a smile and a wave. "See you later, Brad! Don't die while I'm gone!"

"No promises, yo…!" I give her a thumbs up!

Renko gives me a wave, too. Ho ho.

After a while, the two make good progress up the stairs…

…

"Let's go take a shit on the human village." I beckon Ha-chan to follow me, casually strutting down the path.

She makes a conflicted expression. "...I was taught from day one not to 'defecate in the air' by chief." To imitate Sakuya, she makes a serious expression!

...I just give her an enduring grin. "We're not actually gonna freakin'... _unload_. Do fairies even do that?"

...Ha-chan tilted her head. "Maybe. If we wanna, I guess. Or if we eat a lot!"

Good.

Anyway…

S'an overcast day, yo. Now that I think about it, it is a pretty _dark_ overcast day. Maybe we just slept weird 'cause we were up all night getting our asses kicked, kicking ass, kicking kicks and assing ass.

Oh, yeah, and before we get to the village, I should throw on my monk robes and pretend to be mister nice guy. That'd probably get me in easily enough…

Looking to the side, I progress towards some trees on the side of the path. It's pretty windy today, actually…

The foliage is really dark, because it's a dark day, so I'm apprehensive about approaching it. Freakin'... spent a month in Gensokyo and still scared about prancing in some bushes-

The bushes rustle. No~pe, nope nohohope.

...After a moment, grey, silver liquid starts to flow from a nearby shrub, which began forming into a goo girl. Oh. Ah, whatever.

For some reason, the liquid that formed her seemed to defy gravity to do so. The goo girl produced look melancholic, for some reason.

"Hi ho, friend ho." Ho ho. I give her a wave, passing by her and acting innocent. "You're a nugget, today."

...She slowly turns to watch me pass her as I move, her form jiggling as I do so.

…

Maybe I should walk past her normally and not skirt around her if I'm tryin'a play this low key. Oh well! I got past her, any-

"Trailing Shower." She lurches into the floor, before standing upright again after a moment.

...Now I'm wet.

I look up, and see a tiny raincloud a few feet over me. She rained on my parade!

...It's over Ha-chan, too. "Noo~..."

...It's also over herself! Aw.

"You made me wet, friend." I inform the friendly goo girl.

...She doesn't reply tangibly. For a moment, one of her arms seems to dissipate into mist, before reforming along her side again. Oo~h.

Ha-chan steps towards her. "Stop raining on me~. It's cold…!"

...After a slow moment, the goo girl holds up a partially mistified arm. "Please observe." Her hand starts glowing with purple energy…!

Ha-chan leans forward-

 _Fwoa~m_. A small shockwave of some kinda purple energy spreads out around the goo girl.

"Aa- _aaa~h!_ " Ha-chan _screams_ for some reason, running up towards me!

Oof! I get glomped…

"Aah- nnh- nhah- aah…!" Ha-chan hyperventilates up against me, fidgety and wide-eyed. "Br- Brad- Brad-kun…"

"Yo~..." I'm a little offput by the sudden change! "Wazzap?"

"Nnh…" She buries her face in my neck, crying. "I-I… Br-Brad-kun…"

...I just look over at the goo girl, and give her a grin-accented _stare_.

She looks completely indifferent, which is nothing new. Freakin'...

"How long's this last?" I point at my frightened fairy friend.

...The goo girl just sighs. You don't even have _lungs_ , ya stupid freakin'...

"Nnh…" Oof! Ha-chan freakin'... wraps _all_ her limbs around me. Aa~h! "A-aah…"

I stumble back from the sudden weight before grabbing onto her so that I don't fall over myself. "Freakin'...!"

...Whelp, I can't seek vengeance on the goo girl like this, and Ha-chan needs cuddles, so I just walk off with her in my arms, leaving the goo girl to do whatever a goo girl does.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I walk up to the village gates! They were pretty much a spitting distance away from where we were.

Never got my monk clothes on 'cause Ha-chan's freakin' out and I don't trust these woods when it's this dark...

There's someone in a red kimono here. "Genuinely, hu-... mmm. Do people in your- my village- not dress in formal attire?"

...The bronze-clad guard ain't havin' any of it. "Not when they leave. Go away."

Aw, it's Genkan, that one yuki-onna from earlier! She's trying to get inside, but the guard's not complying. She followed my advice and got a red, floral kimono instead of her white yuki-onna one.

"I'm here to _offer_ my _services_. You are in _no_ position to turn me down." Genkan sounds progressively more annoyed…

The guard frowns through his helmet. "Really. I'm not here to _kill_ anybody."

"What?" Genkan's hair starts to float oh shit…!

Walking up behind her, I place a hand on her shoulder-

Whirling to face me, her expression flares. " _No!_ "

 _Fwa~sh!_

With a rush of snowflakes and swirly ice magic, Ha-chan's frozen solid in my arms, but I'm fine. Freakin'...

...Genkan just blinks at me, seemingly recognizing who I am.

...After a moment, someone else walks up beside us. It's some woman with a deep maroon dress, long black hair, and freakin'... insect-like eyes. Woah no. Also, a black sun hat, which is peculiar 'cause she's got a regular dress on.

The guard was about to lash out at us for being assholes, but then he saw the bug lady come up. "...I'll have to ask you all to leave. If you stay like this, I'll have no choice other than to call for backup."

Genkan presses her hand against the ice that froze Ha-chan, and starts melting it into mist. "Sorry."

I smile at her. "S'cool, yo."

...She slowly glowers at me.

"...Pun unintended." I admit, realizing I made a 'cool' ice pun.

Once Ha-chan is thawed enough, she starts shivering. "A-ah…" She still seems terrified of life, too. Freakin'...

While Genkan and I kinda shift away from the guard and the bug lady, said bug lady steps up to the guard.

He rests his hand on his sheathed sword. " _Get back_."

"I have a request." She states plainly.

"We don't do requests. _Go_." The man waves his hand quickly.

"Can I get, uu~h…" She raises a finger thoughtfully. "Boneless _human?_ "

"Funny." The guard nods at her. " _Go_. Last warning."

...In the time they were conversing, a violet magical circle formed under the guard's feet, glowing lightly.

...He looked down at it-

The bug-eyed girl snapped her fingers.

Fwash. The circle lit to life-

Cla-clack, clack, clack. A pile of bones landed behind her, piling up.

 _Slosh_. Oh- oh my fucking god. Uuh. _Uuu~h._

Genkan's jaw dropped.

...That thing about boneless human? She wasn't kidding. At all. She was deadly serious. _Deadly_ serious.

Before me is a pile of clothes, armor, flesh, and blood. Lots of blood.

…Tearing my head away, I crouch, set Ha-chan beside me, and turn-

"Bwaa~gh!" My empty stomach is now emptier. "Kaufh, kah…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...We ended up getting inside anyway because he was the only guard at the gate, so Genkan was able to reel it open. That freakin'... bug lady took off with that dude's _skin sack_. Tha~t's not gonna leave my mind for some time!

"...I apologize for freezing your fairy." Genkan speaks to me after we've walked into the village some ways. I like how she's just pretending we saw nothing. That was some shit… just teleported _all of his bones_ outside of his body. Holy crap.

"Yeah." I nod numbly. "She's... probably not alright with it." Yeah.

Looking over at the shivering Ha-chan, I see she's still holding onto my arm tightly, tears running down her cheeks. "A-aah… nnn~h…" Jeez.

...I've got my sun helmet off for now, both because I had to wipe some puke off the rim, and because I'd probably get some funny stares from the guards if they're really cracking down. Not that we won't as it is, but freakin'...

"...I'm sorry." Genkan apologizes again, looking at the path ahead this time.

…

As we proceed forward, a guard moves from one of the two lanes of people ahead and starts marching towards us. On the upside, guards are super obvious in their shiny ass brass armor. On the do~wnside, freakin'... they look a bit more aggro. They've also got pikes, which even a monkey can use.

"It's alright." I give Genkan a slanted smile, which is all I can muster at the moment!

Freakin'... if this guard tries to give us problems, yo, _he's_ gonna have some problems…!

"Stop." He has his pike up defensively as he approaches us. "Who let you in?"

Genkan steps forward. "It is none of your-"

"You." I interject.

...They both look at me.

"Me." I point at myself. "I did."

…

The guard just stared at me idly, confused. Ho ho!

Time to tell a story! "What I mean is that I came here to buy some potions-"

"Doesn't matter." He gestures to the gate loosely. "You need to leave." Why're guards half competent now?

I hold up a ha~nd! "Let me _finish_ , yo~."

...He sighs. Honh.

"So," I continue! "I rolled up to the front gate, and there was just no one. All we saw was a puddle'a blood on the ground and a pile 'a bones next ta it, so we let ourselves in."

…

The guard readies his pike. "I'll kill you both here." Pfft…!

Genkan grimaces, and throws her arm outward-

 _Fwa~sh!_ A~nd, frozen. He is now a block.

...We're also gettin' some funky stares!

I gesture for my yuki-onna friend to follow me into the back alleys, usin' my other arm to usher Ha-chan along. "C'mon, yo, we gotta move...!"

"Indeed." Genkan frowns at me, before floating alongside me, frost noticeably trailing on the ground in her wake.

After some apt movement, the three of us fade into obscurity in the back alleys. We left a trail of ice, but I don't think anyone gives a shit.

Back here it's also really freakin' dark. What a crappy day!

"I thought I could trust your word about the village." Genkan looks at me once we're a few turns into the alleys. "I suppose my hopes were too high."

...Slappin' on an _enduring_ smile, I shake my head. "Yo, I didn't know the freakin' guard would get an _entire revision_. Last time I checked, they didn't use brass or pikes!"

...Once considering that, she gives me a brisk nod. "This is true. For the longest I can remember, they were swordsmen through and through, even after they'd by large lost the craft of the katana."

We come to a stop in the middle of somewhere after some idle movement. We're surrounded by tiny houses, fences, scattered dumpsters, and other such things.

"What do we do now, then?" Genkan looks at me again, frowning slightly. "I'm stranded in a village of malevolent humans, and it's all your fault." Aa~h, don't give me that, yo. You could bust out easy enough…

"Don't worry, yo." I grin at her. "If there's anyone who knows how ta kick human ass, it's me. I know a couple low places in this city, too. I'm _connected_ , son."

...After staring at me for a moment, Genkan looks away. "I'll hold you to that."

Speakin' of safe houses…

Looking over at Ha-chan, I wrap an arm around her. "I think we'll be stoppin' somewhere right now, too. I gotta get my fairy friend to a home…"

Ha-chan seems marginally calmer now, but she's still frowning, her cheeks wet and eyes low.

"Br-Brad-kun." She shivers. "I'm cold."

...Y'know what.

Reachin' into my bag, I slide out Hard Winter a bit, and renew my strength buff so it exists again. Shelving it once more, I hold out my arms. "Get in my arms, yo."

...After blinking at me for a moment, she does! I'm now holdin' her close 'n' bridal style. We're gettin to a save point, yo!

"Thank you…" Hoh, she's being super normal about things. She must be really freakin' beat up about the debuffmania…

Looking up at Genkan, I grin. "Can I trust ya to freeze any guard that gets in our way? We're taking some low roads, yo."

...Genkan allows herself to smile. "Maybe. For a human, your actions towards your kind are rather traitorous, are they not?"

Pfft.. "Yo, we're douchebags. _Especially_ in numbers! Now let's get a freakin' move on!"

Ha-chan in my arms and with a yuki-onna in my wake, I start beelining through the back alleys towards one of the safer locations of the city, or so I hope...

Sekibanki's house!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Nah, we're not there yet. Probably not even close! We're just crossin' one of the like two main streets we need to cross to get there, and freakin'... the back alley walking isn't terribly eventful. Especially when Genkan's hovering behind me, makin' all the thugs turn a blind eye. No one wants to attack the angry-lookin' girl that _floats_.

Comin' up to the main street, I turn to Genkan. "Yo, when we cross this road, mind keepin' a low profile?"

"You said I may freeze guards." She restates neutrally. "So it shall be done."

"If they get aggro, yeah." I confirm with her. "We ain't robbin' a freakin' bank. The idea's we don't get the safe house blown up…!"

...Genkan folds her arms, and lands on her sandals again. "Very well. If you're certain."

I'm mostly saying this 'cause I'm lookin' down the street, and on this road there's like… a guard every four lamp posts or so, acting sentry. Geesh, they really _are_ crackin' down on interior traffic…

...I prepare myself to casually power walk across the street-

Clo-clop! Clo-clop! Clo-clop!

A horse darts down the road, ridden by some guy! I didn't get a good look at him, but I think it was a guy! They got horses now, of courses!

...Where the hell do horses exist in Gensokyo? I've seen not a one since I've gotten here, aside from freakin'... once or twice, in the context of the village. Also the headless horseman, but that shit was different.

Once the horse is out of the way, I start my eager power walk…!

...Immediately, four guards from four different corners of the street segment I'm crossing start to march towards us, wading through the few people who're out today.

Genkan notices them, but doesn't do much for now, stepping behind me leisurely.

...As they close in on us, we reach the other side of the street, and step into an alley.

…

The pikemen follow us into the wide alley, each standing side by side as they lower their pikes forward-

Genkan casts an arm out behind us. " _Deep freeze._ "

 _Fwa~sh!_ The two middle guards are frozen instantly!

...The remaining guards just walk backwards, reversing the steps of their pike-raising posture. Wahaha!

"Wise." With that, the yuki-onna resumes drifting behind me.

...I never thought about it, but Genkan must be a strong ass yuki-onna to just freeze people like it's nothing. S'a good thing I'm freakin' anti-freeze!

"Where're we going…?" Ha-chan makes some conversation in my arms.

"A home." I smile down at her. Cuddlemuffin!

Moving down the alley, I take a sharp left so we move along towards the next main road. I'm keepin' close-ish to the square since Seki's place is along a different main road, close to the square…

From a nearby tiny deviation a guy with long clothes walks out, sees us, and freakin'... turns back around. Aw.

At the end of this alley, we reach a road section just off 'a the central village crossroads.

Peekin' out from the alley section, I look around…

In the center of the village is some kinda platform propped up by stout wood beams. Nothing's happening on said platform, though...

There's a similar guard situation, though! One's right outside my alley, the other's in front of the alley I wanna get to…

Movin' outta the way, I smile at Ganken. "Noobs're in the way, yo."

...She looks over at me. "Death is fine, correct?"

...I tilt my head a little. "Eeh. Freezin' em's fine, knockin' 'em out's fine, try not to kill anyone. If only 'cause they'll bite back harder if we actually kill people." Truth be told, I wanna avoid casualties!

...With that reasoning, Genkan lands and slowly walks towards the guard from behind.

…

Once she gets close enough, she lunges forward and wraps her arms around his back.

"Hmm…!?" He stumbles back a bit, but the yuki-onna holds him in place. "What's this!?"

"Rela~x." Genkan instructs him softly. "Just relax."

He seems to try and raise his pike, but he can't do a lot with it at freakin' hug range. Moving her arms along his, Genkan disarms him of his pike, her robes beginning to loosely cling to his sides…

"Youkai…!" He starts yelling out for help! "Yo- youkai!"

"Just give everything to me…" Genkan starts speakin' even softer, breathier. "I won't hurt you."

He tries flailing his limbs, only for the robes to snare them. "Ngh! Aaaa~h!" Why the hell's he _screaming?_

"Shh, shh, shh…" The yuki-onna shushes him as some guards from all around us start to beeline to our position…

Whelp, yo. Looks like we're gonna have to have a brief stint to get across the street!

...Thud. The guard falls out of Genkan's kimono, which quickly does itself again. His armor's covered in a thin layer of frost, and he seems sad.

The price we pay for the stealth bamboozlement is five more angry guards! With pikes!

Reachin' into my bag, I take out Deep Blue with one arm! It's pretty freakin' tricky with Ha-chan in my arms…

...Frowning, Genkan looks around at the guards.

…

After a short stare off, two restless guards at both far ends of the gathering start to move towards us with their pikes raised-

 _Fwa~sh!_ With a wave of her arm, Genkan freezes the one moving towards her in a block of ice.

Crouching down super awkwardly, I jab Deep Blue into the floor and channel mana through it-

 _Fwuu~sh!_ The guard moving towards me along the side is flung forward! "Hwaa~h!?"

Hearing him yelling, Genkan turns to him and throws her arm outward-

 _Woosh!_ A rush of cold air stops the noob from falling near me, sending him rolling off into the alley behind us, his pike lost somewhere on the floor along the way.

 _Shink!_ One of the more central guards jerked forward and gave Genkan a poke in the torso.

"Ngh…" Darting back, floating to keep herself balanced, the yuki-onna quickly recovers by diagonally spinning towards the three remaining guards-

 _Woo~sh!_ Frost whirls off her form as she spins to the side at an angle to prevent further poking.

The waves of cold air chill the guards, ice and snow crystals forming along the exterior of their bronze suits.

"Damn…" The central one slowly starts to turn away. "We- we can't- we need men!"

"Hn- ah…" The one farthest from Genkan's left positioning slowly articulates himself into guarding posture…

Quickly, Genkan slides back like twenty feet, before looking down at her stomach.

...With her farther away, the guards slowly begin turning and moving, their armor not quite accommodating-

 _Krii~ng!_ With an upward wave of her arm, one of those tree trunk displacing blades of ice erupts from the ground beneath the guards.

One of them's thrown just freakin' _up_ , while the guy to the left of the line is sent stumbling forward despite not being hit.

"Hu _woaa~h!_ " For some reason, the backmost guy very slowly, gradually falls backwards after getting nicked in the chest plate by the blunt frost blade.

...Thud. Despite the fall taking a full second, it was still loud. How'd the frost slow his _falling speed?_ Freakin'...!

 _Bam!_ I don't know where that launched guy went, but something went boom somewhere. I'm going to bet he's dead!

...The final guard starts to very slowly sprint towards Genkan. The words 'very slowly' and 'sprint' combined equal 'a leisurely walk'! He's got his pike up though, and he looks like he's tryin' like hell…

Drifting just off the ground, she moves towards him, and gets within stabby range…

When he tries a lethargic stab at her, she drifts beside it and just floats up to him-

 _Fwam!_ She shoved her hand into his face, a blast of teal magic flaring out of her hand.

...Thud. The guard fell back onto the floor, his head encased in a chunk of ice. That's… probably more deadly than being frozen solid. Maybe. I don't actually know…!

Standing back up with Deep Blue and Ha-chan in my arms, I start jogging across the road. "Let's get goin'...! The popo be _fast_ , on our _ass!_ "

Genkan very quickly accelerates from the road to the alley ahead far quicker than I could. Yo, wait up…!

…

After a moment, I catch up to her in the thin alley we escaped into, her drifting slowing to a stop…

She whirls around to face me, before looking down at her stomach and frowning. "They ripped my kimono. This cost me five thousand yen." Her stomach seems to be healed, even if there's crimson stains on the edges of the ripped kimono.

I raise a brow. "Where'd ya get it from?"

"...I spoke with that puppeteer in the woods." Genkan provides.

Aa~h, cool. I wave the damage off. "Alice'll fix it for ya for a small fee, probably. She's chill about the pricing if you're chill. Freakin'- pun again unintended..." Freakin'... it's too easy to make ice puns! I'm not even trying!

"I'm starting to doubt that last part." Genkan stares at me skeptically. "...And, be that as it may, this is still your fault."

Nodding, I look down at Ha-chan, who's just kinda observing the world at this point. "Yeah- I'll give ya some dough once we get to the hideout. We shouldn't hafta barge through main street again, so it's just a little away…"

…

As we move down the road, a door opens from the side of one of the nearby houses, and a mustachioed villager guy leans out, his brows furrowed.

…

Once he gives us a good glance, he just smoothly leans back inside and slams the door shut. Noob.

Ha-chan shifts a little in my arms, and yawns. "Maauu~..." Hoh.

I like something about today's atmosphere, even if apparently all the freakin' horrible abominations share that sentiment with me. It's dark but real chill… and the sun's not fucking with my eyes like it normally does.

Eventually, we reach a small clearing amidst the alleys. It doesn't matter what kinda dungeon you delve into, yo. Be it mansion halls, forest paths or freakin' city sects, clearings are just a thing that exists.

There's a tipped over garbage can to the left, curious parts spilt on the floor. As we pass it, I realize that it's a pink-haired variant of the freakin' blender fairies from before, except it's all broken apart, and its limbs are all connected by wires.

On the other side of the alley clearing, there's a guy lying on the floor sleeping. Cool. That's a _me_ thing, freakin'...

Pat- pat, clank. The trash can with the wire-y not-fairy starts shaking, and the parts begin rolling as if the can was set to spin cycle.

I point at it with my leg. "Genkan, freeze that shit."

She blinks. "...For what reason?"

"It's evil. It's gonna freakin' mutilate us, yo. It's a person snatcher!" I justify the robot genocide!

Genkan stares at me dryly. " _I'm_ a person snatcher, and you didn't react to _me_ with such venom." You freakin'...

 _Cra~Cra~ng!_ Two slots are busted open on the trashcan, and two freakin'... plastic- or perhaps metal- fairy leg limbs stretch into the air, a long trail of red, yellow, and blue wires extending as they accelerate up…

...After a moment, the limbs fall, and land on the roof behind the trashcan.

Slowly, the trashcan begins to get dragged up the side of the house by the two strings of wire. As it raises, the pink-haired, battered fake fairy head dangles upside down, one hot pink eye scanning our forms.

Genkan drifts forward. "Hello." Aw, yo. Let's talk with it.

...It doesn't respond, 'cause it's a freakin' robot.

...Genkan floats closer-

Cla-clang. The trashcan rattles loudly against the house after it tries to jerk itself forward, the loose head dangling limply like a hung ornament…

"I'm speaking to you." Genkan nears it further-

Vuu~r. The fairy's head opens its mouth, revealing a black nozzle and some wireframe-y metal bits, but nothing else of interest. No teeth, yo.

 _Whooo~m!_ It makes a vacuum cleaner-esque noise.

...Genkan drifts back a little. Wahaha!

Once the can is high up enough on the roof, it starts to jitter, two arm-esque limbs extending out of the slots the other limbs came out of before…

Like this, it positions itself on the roof with all four… 'limbs'.

"We won't hurt you, young one." Genkan speaks to it like it's an actual youkai. "Come do-"

 _Whii~r!_ Suddenly, the wires extend with great speed, the entire trash can launching off the roof and leaning down towards Genkan-

The yuki-onna slides back, ice dusting the ground in her wake.

 _Whooo~m!_ As the trashcan bobs in the air, super precariously held up by its four wire limbs with this bullshit arc between it and the rooftop, the vacuum nozzle extends from its mouth straight outward.

Taking this as an act of aggression, Genkan extends an arm-

 _Fwa~sh_. Thud. The trash can was frozen solid, and the machine fell to the floor, the wire limbs ragdolling and ceasing activity.

"I toldja, yo." Shakin' my head, I start movin' for Seki's place again. "I saw some of those guys at the lake, and they had blenders for necks and tried to shishkebob me."

"What… are they?" Drifting after me, the yuki-onna poses a question!

"Robots're somethin'." I decide. "Well, clearly, but… I dunno past that."

…

After a moment, Genkan questions me again. "Are robots… different from normal youkai?"

…

I just turn to her, both brows raised, slightly grinning.

"...Don't look at me like that." She frowns at me. Aw.

...Oh, I got a way to explain it. "Y'know golems?" That was a fantasy trope, right?

Genkan nods once after I say that. "Oh, I see. How foolish of me. They're a sophisticated kind of golem then, are they not?"

"There we go, yo." At least she's quick on the take!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We have reached… the Sekibanki household! Actually, does she have a last name? Hmm. Last names are for noobs anyway…

I knock on the door.

…

Genkan lands from her neutral posture, which is hovering like a few inches off the ground. "Should I… pretend?"

I shake my head. "Nah, she's a youkai, too. Once we're in you can just ch-... _relax._ " Hah! Caught myself that time…

"Good." Genkan folds her arms.

…

I knock on the door again.

Crea~k. It opens a crack, before it's opened fully. A girl with long, blonde hair and a plain brown version of Sekibanki's snazzy coat stares out.

Daa~h. I tilt my head at her. "Is, uh… Sekibanki here?"

...The girl raises her arm, and removes the blonde hair, revealing red hair beneath. "Hi." Aw, yo! Seki surprise…!

"You're cuddly." I inform the Seki surprise. "We need to lay low for a little bit, yo. This place's a mad house…!"

...Nodding, she moves out of the way to let us in. "Who's your friend?"

"You may call me Genkan." My yuki-onna pal speaks.

Sekibanki nods. "Yuki-onna?"

"Indeed. And you?" Smiling, Genkan drifts into the house behind me…

"Sekibanki. Dullahan." To accent her point, Seki uses her free hand to take off her head entirely.

Genkan jerks her head back at first, before blinking. "...I see." The good ol' Seki surprise, yo.

Sekibanki's house is nice and warm, yo. It doesn't feel overbearing, otherwise I'd've freakin' melted upon entry.

...Movin' up to her bed, I look back at Seki. "Yo, can I park my fairy friend here? She needs the snoozin' and the… relaxin'." Couldn't think of something that rhymed with 'snoozin' in time!

As she closes the back door- and locks it- she looks over at me. Then, she steps over, looking at the fairy in my arms.

"...Sure." She agrees! "She looks like she needs it."

...I plop Ha-chan onto Sekibanki's modest bed.

"Oof…" She looks around curiously, before looking up at me and smiling. Aw.

"Get snug, yo." I recommend ta her. "I don't plan on goin' far."

…

In a fluid motion she rolls over, somehow rolling the pre-made blanket out from under her, then over her, with one cycle; her wings folding in momentarily to permit this. Ho ho ho!

"...I didn't think I would ever see a human care for a fairy." Genkan ponders aloud purposefully. Honh…

"S'it really that rare?" I question. How old's she, anyway? They say it's impolite to ask a lady her age, so freakin'...! Then again, I never really let that stop me…

"Do you see good people in this village?" Genkan counters my question with another question!

...I gesture to Sekibanki.

"Who _aren't_ youkai." Genkan allows herself a small smile. Freakin'...

...Wobbling a hand back and forth, I reply receptively. "Aki~hi~to~...?"

...Genkan shakes her head. "Not particularly, no. Not to me." That's subjective! Freakin'...

Despite that potential counter, I let it go with a compromising shrug. "Yeah, he was a-..." _Wait_.

I raise a finger. "His _wife_. Her, yo."

"...I concede." Genkan declares defeat! Wahaha!

"Brad-kun." Ha-chan speaks up from the bed. "Let's snuggle." Hoh…!

I look back over at Sekibanki for confirmation!

...She looks conflicted about letting me into her bed.

"Ya let a half-soaked fairy into your bed." I argue. "C'mon, yo."

"She looked like she needed it." Sekibanki counters neutrally. "You don't."

Oof! "But… I do yo. Ohoho~h, I do, yo…!"

...At her dry expression, I gesture to Ha-chan. "She needs me. You need her. Me need me, you need you."

She's still skeptical lookin'...

To my surprise, Genkan helps! "Let the human lie with his fairy. I don't imagine a single bedspread would be a hard wash, and you carry spares, do you not?"

...Sekibanki glances at a thin vanity cabinet in the corner of the room. "I'm lazy."

"Then have them change it." Genkan states plainly. "Simple solution."

Sekibanki's stare towards her turns dry. "I'm not sure if that's a good idea."

Genkan stares blankly at the dullahan for a moment. "You're not wrong." Yeah, nice help! Freakin'...

Knock knock knock. Noise comes from the main room, where the front door is.

...Raising a brow, Sekibanki placed her wig back on and stepped leisurely into the main room, panning the dividing door open as she does so…

As a reminder: Sekibanki's place's got two rooms! A bedroom and a slightly larger living room…

Crea~k. She opens it a crack, before quickly stepping back and opening it all the way.

"Hey." Some guy's voice came from the door. "...Sorry to bother ya, but there've been reports of some youkai going around freezing people. Today's been kinda crazy."

"...Thank you for warning me." Sekibanki is not entirely enthused.

...After an idle moment, the guy takes in a deep breath before continuing. "If ya don't mind, I'd like to send some no names inta here to check the place out. No hard feelings, just part of my new policy. It'll be over in a jiff." Oh, boy.

"Why here?" Sekibanki furrowed her brows at him.

He snorted. "We're doing checks all over the area. Last report of freezing was by a hobo in an alley, youkai froze one of those crazy wire whatever the hells to death." At that, the guy smirks. "I thought monsters were mostly friends, but apparently even here they'll kill each other. Makes my job a little easier."

Acting quickly, I slide off my boots and start stripping…

Genkan speaks low to me. "Is this how you react to stressful situations?"

Freakin'... "Yeah, yo. Hold up…" Within moments I toss my kimono and everythings off, except my underwear, and start pullin' the monk robes from my bag…

"You're checking _every_ house?" Sekibanki stalls for time with more questions.

The guy just stares at her, his smirk static. "...S'what I just said. Sucks right now 'cause I haven't properly trained anyone yet. Gotta go door to door like a class act. If the door don't open, I have to make it open."

...Then, he looks to the side. "You'd be surprised how many doors I've had to break down just to find fuck nothing. It's kinda no surprise, but shit."

At least this guy doesn't sound like a raging lunatic. Considering his speech, is he one of the new guard leader persons? Maybe he's just a lower captain…

I've got my robes on, now!

...I look over at Genkan, and lightly stomp my legs on the ground and point at hers.

She stops floating, landing on both sandals.

...Ha-chan's wings are obscured by the blanket she's under. Her hair's _cyan_ which might be bad, but I'm a monk now so I can probably just declare sanctuary or some shit.

I'm barefoot, but that's fine because I'm a monk now! Monks don't wear shoes, right? Whatever, yo…

...Sekibanki glances over at us, and I give a thumbs up as we meander into the main room to be natural.

She looks at the guy and nods. "Sure."

...Now that I see him, the guy's pretty tired-looking. He's got straight black hair, but it's pretty short, and he doesn't look like an old dude either. Just real tired.

"Cool." With that, he begins turning around. "Go on in. Don't fuck it up, now."

...After him, some guardly guys in robes start lumbering in, holdin' short swords around their waists.

The first guy's real lanky with short blonde hair. "Alright, I'm- I'm gonna need _everyone..._ to sta- stand up, and me and… me and my partner will be with you shortly. I'm just- I'm just gonna check _all_ the rooms- all the rooms, just to make sure you're not- not hiding any youkai on us, you know. That cool? That cool? Great."

...This dude's got a freakin' speech impediment or something.

...The last guy is stout, and even more tired-looking than the last guy. Once he gets in, he just leans back against the wall next to the door, looking like he's about to just collapse on the spot. Cool guard.

Moving further into the house, lanky guy marches with his hands firmly pressed to his sides and always lookin' straight ahead.

…

The lanky dude walks back into the room after noticing Ha-chan. "Why- wh- why do you have a _youka~i_ in the back room here!?" It's a _fairy_ ya twat…!

Despite his baffled expression and stuttering, his tone is more accusatory than nervous. "What is _wrong_ with you!? That's- that's it." Oh boy, exaggerated hand motions and stuff. That's how you know he means business. "Everyone out, I'm gonna go get my men, we're going to evaluate the place, and- and..." ...What's wrong with _you?_ Freakin'...

Stopping, he just glares at us. Probably disdainfully, but from here it's just a mediocre, stupid lookin' glare.

Before he continue to stutter at us menacingly, I gesture to my robes. "Buddhists, son. We're _allowed_ in the village. Ya lookin' for a religion war, son?"

…

Shaking his head, the lanky guy just starts to back towards the door. "Gusto. Hey, I- I think we should call for a clean out."

'Gusto', the sleepy ass dude with short black hair and a moustache, just turns to him wit' his eyes barely open. "Wha~h?"

"Gusto. We need to tell the commander." Lanky man insists. "Come and do it with me- you know how to do it."

...Gusto leans his head back. "Why~?"

Fidgeting anxiously, lanky man demonstrates that he has no style, and he has no grace. This gua~rd… is a fucking disgrace! Wahaha! "Dude- you _need_ to _get it..._ _together_. Gusto- we need to do something- this is disgusting. Fucking disgusting."

"...Wha~t about me?" Gusto's just loving life right now, man. Dude's _ascended_.

...Looking back at us blankly, then at Gusto, the lanky noob just stepped out of the house with his arms firmly to his sides like he had a stick up his ass.

…

Gusto slowly turned and looked out the door, seeming very opposed to the idea of leaving Sekibanki's wall but doin' so anyway. "Aa~h…"

I dunno whether or not monks don't get sanctuary, or if lanky guy was just being a dick. I dunno if any backup is coming, either!

…

Sekibanki moves to sit at her main table. "You can cuddle with your fairy, if you want. Just… try not to make a mess of the bed." Aw.

"Alright, yo…" Nodding smugly, I strut towards the bed jazzily…

I reach it, and Ha-chan's smiling up at me. Just clambering in with two other people in the general vicinity feels a little weird, but damn it if I'll stop here! Man, the village has become a freakin'... three ring circus.

Oh, yeah. Just in case…

Sliding open my bag, I take London out and point her at the corner of the room near Seki's vanity thing.

…

After a moment, London floats in through the still open front door, and makes itself comfy in the back of the bedroom.

"My home is under attack." Sekibanki monotones at the presence of the doll from the living room. Hoh…

"Aight, London…" I give 'er some instructions. "No attackin'... anyone currently in these two rooms at this moment!" ...A slight redundant but I wanna make it clear, yo.

It swings its lance idly in confirmation. Ho ho.

…

No~w…

Crouchin' down, I start to lift the cover…

"I couldn't ask earlier 'cause I was sad and cold…" Ha-chan banters. Hoh! "Who's Gen-chan?" Oh, right.

"She's that yuki-onna we fought that one time. She's friendly now, though." I inform her. "She's also cuddly."

"Cuddly?" Ha-chan perks up with a big smile! "She can cuddle with us...!"

Daa~h. "...She happens to freeze the things she cuddles." She don't seem the cuddlin' type!

Ha-chan stares at me expectantly. "...When's _that_ stopped you?" Man. Whenever Ha-chan speaks seriously, it's somewhat disarming. She's freakin' out of it ninety-five percent of the time…!

...After a brief moment, I've quickly donned the camou-kimono again. It _was_ pretty cold without it on, even for being inside 'a Sekibanki's.

Aa~h. Now everything's nice and lukewarm again…

With it on, I clamber into the relatively small bed aside Ha-chan, positioning myself onto my back. First time I've actually done this formally…!

...I dunno. Should I like, hug her or-

Ha-chan wraps her arms around me. She's still got her own shoes on so she can't do a lot with her legs…

Clunky sleep time! Hasn't stopped me from getting enough rest before though, yo.

"Gen-cha~n..." Ha-chan calls out for Genkan! "Gen-cha~n!"

"...Are you calling for me?" Genkan responds after repeated calls!

"Yea~h." Do ya _really_ think she's gonna be cool with snugglemania? Well… she _was_ cool with hugging me once, but that was 'cause she thought she could shatter my soul, yo. Little did she know, it was _I_ who would do the shattering! "C'me~re."

...After a moment, Genkan gets up and steps over to us.

"Let's snuggle." Ha-chan pats on me like I'm a freakin' couch cushion.

Genkan looks vain. "No."

"Please?" Ha-chan resists!

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

…

"My body is naturally cold." Genkan starts fighting with logic! "Therefore I shouldn't."

Ha-chan pats me again. "Brad-kun's good about the cold. Right, Brad-kun?" The 'kun' suffix is some weird shit…!

...Looking down at me, Genkan makes a curious expression as she seems to crouch down and place a hand on me.

"Hi." I greet her.

"...You're warm now." She notes.

Leaning forward, she proceeds to loosely, awkwardly give me a slanted hug. Daa~h…

After a moment, Ha-chan jumps a little. "Wo-woah…" Looking over at me, she blinks. "You're cold, now…"

...I don't feel any different, though!

"I took all your heat." Genkan states bluntly, retracting her arms. "Do you feel it?"

...It's actually a little more comfortable now, but I feel myself warming up again by being next to Ha-chan. "Yes and no? How cold _should_ I be?"

"Dead." Genkan provides. "I took _all_ your heat. You should have frozen solid."

Oh. Good thing I put on my kimono when I did! "...You were gonna freeze my ass, yo?" I grin at her somewhat incredulously…!

"You didn't react when I took more than what a human normally objects to, so I kept going." She justifies, reading my expression. Aah, that makes sense…

"Can you _not_ take our heat...?" Ha-chan requests gently. "I like being warm."

...Genkan nods, after a moment. "I won't do so purposefully." Wait, is she actually-

Pushing me and Ha-chan further into the bed, the yuki-onna tilts onto her side and fits herself under the covers beside me, doing so smoothly by floating and giving gravity the middle finger.

This has gone from 'ignorably awkward' to 'I'm smooshed between two girls help'. At the very least... we're all clothed!

Seems that Genkan is making good on that hug request, if only partially. "I could do with a nap."

Ha-chan yawns. "Maauu~... me too."

...Yeah. Aside from the freakin' insane asylum escapees, today's been quiet. I think I'll just let myself relax for awhile…

Between the blanket and our clothes, this is more stiff than anything, but- ooh there it is. That unnatural comfort from Genkan's freeze hugs…

Like this, I'm immersed in the sensation of being hugged by both women on either side of me as I stare up at the ceiling.

Things lost coming to Gensokyo: safety, family, stable necessities and a place to live.

Things gained by coming to Gensokyo: boobs, crazy weapons, monster girls, potions and bombs.

This is _alright_ by me...

…

Sekibanki leans into the room, staring at us vainly. Your bed's ours now, noob…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 67

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Hard Winter - A earth/ice-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice! Allows the user to cast Ice Shard. Extends combo length by one artificially. Allows the user to jump out out of combos smoothly, and leave frost in their trail.

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I _would_ like to know where it actually _puts_ all my stuff though…

==o==

WEAPONS:

Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! It better, with a name like 'Swordbreaker'. Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! May cast Flash, an attack that blinds; works best on darkness elementals and youkai. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can cast Gust. By the addition of a steel block, its attack and magic attack increased slightly. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites stuff on impact. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle, allowing the user to cast Flamethrower Plus! Allows the user to cast Fume.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Can produce limitless fresh water. Boosts the power of water skills. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style; physical attack increased, physical defense lowered. User bleeds out faster. Can cast Revenge, an attack that increases in power the lower the user's health is. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to let it cut!

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Lowers defense slightly. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger is slightly electric and holy elemental. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy…

==o==

ARMOR:

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Seventy-five percent time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!

Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means _business, son_. _One hundred percent_ ice resistance, and as such renders me immune to all magical ice damage. Dunno 'bout icicles and stuff, though. Fifty percent freeze resistance… not that freezing will hurt me with this thing on. Fifty percent dark resistance. Negative fifty percent fire and burning resistance. Hopefully hides me a bit when navigating in the freakin' brush...

Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! Fifty percent sun resistance, one hundred percent freezing and blinding resistance. Also gives immunity to electrical stunning. It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.

Lunarian Prototype Space Suit - A suit meant for combat in deep space. So far, it's only got the whole 'exist in deep space' part down…! _One hundred percent_ electric resistant. One hundred percent freezing resistant. Has an oxygen tank, but that's only useful if you wear the helmet to go along with it. Randomly casts Zero Gravity when it feels like it.

Lunarian Prototype Deep Space Helmet - It's a freakin' helmet. Fifty percent blinding resistant! When worn with the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit, it also confers immunity to burning and poison, along with _another_ one hundred percent electricity resistance. Yo…!

Testing Oxygen Tank - The oxygen tank used by the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit. Lasts for two and a half minutes! Not meant to actually be used outside of testing, but it's possible. Refills automatically in breathable air.

MP Prize Pin - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field. For awhile only the user(s) of this badge may pick them up, but after a grace period anyone can. Extends prize grabbing range!

==o==

CONSUMABLES/OTHER:

Forty-one thousand, two hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!

Seven Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Mega Potion - Youkai-like regen for thirty seconds… except for the whole family! Applies to entire party. Good for when we all suck at life!

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Three Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on _debuffs_ , though...

WebDings Book about Foreign Juices - Wahaha! This better fetch a price on the market!

Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Rope of Red Bikinis - Wahaha! Gonna getcha, son!

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I _really_ have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

==o==

Hana, the Electric Fairy Maid - A cuddleable fairy who's stalked me for awhile. She's lovable, dude. Healed by electrical damage! Casts tiny bolts of electricity as her attack these days…

PRIMARY WEAPON: Zap!

INVENTORY:

 _Probably_ rocks - Yeah.

Winter Mittens - Aww. Keeps hands from freezing.

Winter Coat - Where does she store this when it's not on…?

[unknown space remaining]

==o==

Genkan, the Yuki-onna - A bitter yuki-onna from Gensokyo's wildlands, mostly active in the winter, and on particularly cold days. Probably heals from ice damage. Commands powerful control over frost, and has a wide variety of ice-affinity attacks. Weak to fire and burning.

SKILLS:

Freeze - Instantly freezes one to two enemies. Low chance of working on stronger foes.

Creaking Freeze - Generates a spinning, magic snowflake in an enemy's body, which instantly freezes them after a moment. High accuracy.

Glacier - Erects a massive blade of ice from the ground, dealing incredible physical ice damage.

Ice Spin - Spins and lashes out with chilling frost. Probably just an extension of her normal frost powers and not an actual skill…

Other Skills - Probably has more spells, but freakin'... I dunno her like a textbook!

INVENTORY:

Red Kimono - It's got floral decorations…!

Money - Apparently.

I dunno - What would I~ have if I was a sexy ice woman?

[unknown spaces remaining]

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

nuggets

another somewhat slow movement chapter - w - but it was fun

also had some good situations and just generally "what the fuck is going on" stuff so this was pretty cool!

this is once again not the last time you shall see renko and merry, but it'll be awhile before they show up again - w -

genkan again! a~nd… the ASSHOLE VILLAGE YO

welcome to the village but once again a difficulty higher: now with a more competent yet still freakin' stoopid village guard!

there's a buncha stuff to do here once _shit hits the fan son_

but that's not this chapter…

this chapter was overcast fluffcast - w -

we did kinda leave brittany behind super abruptly but we'll be back yo

after reproofreading the entire batch myself i do have some things to say

one: merry and renko were good fun - w -

two: do you guys really enjoy action holy shit i'd like someone to at the very least say "yes we enjoy it fucking shut up writefag"

three: that EX-fairy idiots fight took a long ass time; overstayed welcome or no? was it confusing?

four: did the follow up brittany fight take a decent amount of time / did you find it interesting

and finally five: how's the whole brittany concept yo - w - i feel like the explanation's legit enough, maribel doofadooped the evil mirror and now it's a portal between worlds

inb4 no one actually responds to me or cares about anything i had a qualm with _i know i said begging was over but c'mon man feedback's the blood and soul yo don't leave me to play genie games wit'cha expectations_

oh yeah and big thank you to the guys who worked on the TVtropes page! which at this time, is like two people who can be seen in the edit history. i won't work on it because it's a fan thing and it's like the unspoken rule that you don't fuck with fan stuff because then it's not fan stuff

thank you anyway even though at this moment it like half exists - w - the fact it exists at all's fun yo

i really wanted to roll out some revised versions of some of the first chapters this update, but between the fact it's been over a month since last update and each revision takes awhile since the early chapters were _really bad_ i think i'll hold off until i hash out like five or seven chapters of that just in like offtime and such and then it'll be paired with a batch

chapter one's already done but it'll be weird (especially to newcomers) if JUST chapter one was revised so i'm just gonna hold onto it for now…

no big plot changes; just overall better prose, extended scenes and reworked combat, etc

sendai's already kinda my way to show people who haven't read my stuff that i'm not as crap as i used to be two years ago XD

i don't wanna do it as a separate batch/update entirely both because it'd probably take a week or more to revise those seven chapters unless i went turbo turds, and it'd update people's favorite/alert boxes without tangibly adding new content which is crappy

so yeah!

as always, see you all next time!


	85. The Man with a Warframe for a Head

(it's MATT TIME ONCE AGAIN FOLKS) (this batch's game rotation is MATT, BRAD BRAD BRAD, and MATT AGAIN)

Standing some distance from the unoccupied garden tables, I watch Shikome and Remilia begin to rise from their white, dinky chairs…

Remilia smirks from across the table, slightly adjusting her outfit with her hands. "How shall we have it, then? Play pretend, or will we actually have a little fun here?"

"...We'll have fun alright. We'll have fun after I desecrate your voluptuous remains." Shikome's words were delivered bluntly.

...Smiling, Remilia rose a brow as she looked over herself. "You may have used one of those words wrong, there. Even so…"

Drifting into the air, Remilia's previously contained wings revealed themselves to be larger. "Let us dance, silly girl."

In this moment, a column of light grew from beneath the vampire, and enveloped her. As it began to close, her form faded out. "Fufufu~..." Her voice seemingly came from all directions as she vanished.

...I look over at the Rumia splayed out on the table. Perhaps I should do something about that...

Parting from her chair properly, Shikome walked out onto the roof's midst, scanning her surroundings for any sign of the vampire…

A rather obvious column of light appeared across the rooftop, Remilia appearing in the middle of it. She spread one arm and wing outward towards Shikome. " _Hellfire!_ "

 _Fwoom_. Three fireballs spread out from the vampire's form in a vertical line, moving slowly towards Shikome…

Shikome stepped to the side of them, giving them an idle glance.

They fizzled out some distance past her, probably so that they wouldn't ignite anything down the way. 

...After allowing a quiet moment, Shikome sprinted towards Remilia-

"Fufufu~..." Encompassed by the column of light again, the vampire vanished, leaving Shikome alone on the portion of roof.

...She looked to her right, and began moving there before Remilia appeared.

"Ooh…?" The vampire's voice was audible, though her form not visible. "Fufufu~..."

...In the next moment, Shikome stopped. She looked to the left, then the right, then turned around and looked behind herself.

" _Hahaha~..._ " What seemed like afterimages or clones of Remilia flickered in and out of existence across the entire rooftop.

...Then, Remilia appeared for real in the air over the roof. "That life stealing aura about you. It's stronger than the last time we met."

Glancing up at her, Shikome just stares at her for a moment before running to position herself beneath her. Once she got there, she leapt-

Remilia faded out, leaving Shikome to land.

 _Clack_. As her sandals loudly clicked against the wooden roof, she was already looking around for the little loli vampire…

Remilia really likes to toy around, doesn't she…

Appearing on an unremarkable section of roof behind Shikome, Remilia spreads out a wing and an arm again. " _Dark Inferno!_ "

One at a time, orbs of what looked like magma generated before Remilia, accelerating outward towards Shikome.

Easily leaping over the first one, and simply walking around the second, she closed in on the vampire-

 _Woosh_. Shikome attempted to extend a tendril directly into Remilia's face, which the vampire swiftly evaded-

 _Woosh_. She tried again to puncture Remilia, this time in the stomach, but the vampire dodged with a very precarious looking sideways flip, landing on her feet within the same second.

...Shikome gives Remilia a regular punch to the face.

 _Wham!_ The blow makes the vampire throw her head to the side, only vaguely staggered.

"Fufufu~..." She disappears into a pillar of light a moment later, not very affected by the punch to the face.

Shikome folded her arms.

"I suppose this is getting a little droll…" Remilia states the obvious.

She appears many feet behind Shikome, this time skipping the redundant pillar of light step.

Shikome turns around to face her-

Spreading an arm and a wing out, Remilia casts another spell. " _Hellfire!_ "

Fwofwofwofwoom! Instead of a simple three fireball spread, this time a jet of flames comprised of many fireballs flowed forth from the vampire.

It took slightly more deliberation, but Shikome was able to dart to the side of the jet of flames akin to how she avoided the three fireballs from before.

I should get some popcorn. Maybe they'll start fighting by the time I get back.

Remilia appeared again, this time not terribly far behind Shikome. The cheek Shikome punched earlier was now unmarred, not even a mark left on her porcelain skin to hint at the blow dealt.

Pivoting around on her heel, Shikome moved towards her-

Remilia thrust an arm out. " _Bat Moon!_ "

From the vampire's being came a massive swarm of bats, which rushed out and upwards, catching Shikome as she roared towards the vampire.

...The massive rush of flapping bats served to juggle Shikome into the air, but not actually hurt her much.

After a brief moment of tenseness, Shikome aimed her arm downwards.

 _Fwoom- fwoom- fwoom- fwoom!_ With some articulation of her hand, she rapidly casted fireballs down into the swarm of annoying bats.

The blasts of fire destroyed bats at a rate that was far outpaced by the generation of bats. Then-

Remilia vanished, the bat swarm ceasing and the survivors roaring off into the distant darkness.

...I begin to hear the roar of an engine. Hmm…? Why exactly would... oh, right.

Looking in the direction of the noise, I see headlights accelerating towards the roof of the manor.

Remilia appears again, this time high up in the air with her arms folded. "...Hmm. Your projectiles are quite apt. You seem more endured than the last time we met. Perhaps I shouldn't be so patronizing, then..."

Fwoom. Shikome idly lobs a fireball at her.

Fwam. Remilia's wing blocks it. "...Could use improvement."

The roar of what must be Byakuren's motorbike begins to grow louder.

Remilia furrows her brows, looking around. "What _is_ that?"

...The headlights dip low, before fading into the darkness beneath the manor's airspace.

... _Cla~ng!_ That sounds like the gate being slammed open.

"Wha~h!?" That sounds like Meiling yelling.

...

 _Vroo~m!_ Byakuren's bike suddenly shoots straight up, passing the front rail of the manor's roof as it ascends.

Remilia and Shikome watch it blankly as it begins to shift over the roof of the manor, and descend again…

 _Bam._ It lands hard, albeit not as hard as it could have, parking itself atop the roof. Byakuren is indeed on it, although from my angle I can't really make out her face. It's not that bright up here, either, so the headlights are obscuring everything.

"Hijiri…" Remilia speaks up, but doesn't look like she knows what to expect. "This isn't free parking. Take your smelly bicycle elsewhere. I'm having a moment here, I'll have you know."

"I'm sorry." Byakuren apologizes. "But, there is simply something I can't leave be."

"It may be visiting hours, but the answer is probably no." Remilia instantly guns her down. "Go play with the fairies while you wait or something. Talk with Patchy about mage stuff."

"I'm sorry." Apologizing again, Byakuren revs up her bike. "I'll leave once I'm done."

...Remilia blinks twice. "If you want to fight me, you'll have to wait your turn. Maybe schedule an appointment."

...Ignoring her, Byakuren's bike begins to accelerate, moving towards Shikome.

Shikome prepares four tendrils in anticipation, although Byakuren doesn't drive straight towards her. Instead, she passes her, before using her leg to loop around and-

 _Woosh_. Shikome leapt to avoid being hit by the bike, passing straight over the buddhist gangster.

...I start to slide out my Danger Scissors. This is a fun encounter, but it could be more fun. I also want to see what nightmares will spawn with these three in the vicinity.

 _Bam- clank, clank!_ Byakuren is suddenly not on her bike. It eventually falls over, skidding to a stop.

…

Thu-thud. A moment later, Byakuren flies out from around the edge of the clock tower some ways down the roof and lands on her back. "Ah- ah…?"

...Did the scissors just spawn Byakuren while we were next to her? Good. That's great.

"Woa~h!" From the door the others retreated into to get back into the manor, a stout girl stumbled out. She was short, nearly naked barring a cloak and panties, and had pigtailed blonde hair. "Whah- where…?"

...Loli.

 _Thoom_.

From above, a being with a dark color palette landed, although it had some white patterns along its body. It was very obviously inhuman despite its humanoid figure.

As it stood, it seemed to bear resemblance to a priest of some kind, a large burgundy and white tower design comprising its head. It had a long bell bottom-esque… _design_ , like the kind a priest would wear. Unlike what a priest might wear, it was made of what seemed like white and burgundy skin, almost plastic in appearance.

The body itself had white and burgundy plating- in consistency with the rest of it- but also black parts which revealed that it was in some sense mechanical.

Along its hip was what looked like a pistol, but considering how much of the being's a confusing mess, I can't really tell if it's a pistol or just some accessory… well, it has the trigger and handle a pistol would. At the same time, it has the same color pallette as the being… but more brown.

Along its back was a large spear-looking device. One end had a pointy if ornate tip, bearing a circle in the midst of it that went straight through, and one end looked more like a prod of some kind, or perhaps some kind of projectile generator. Looks useful for poking things.

…

Remilia sighed. "I know I'm popular, but…"

She looked over at the new loli who just walked onto the roof, before looking at the _thing_ with furrowed brows. "What… _exactly_ are you supposed to be?"

...The being looks around, before jumping in place, doing a forward flip as it jumps a second time.

Remilia blinks, propping her arms onto her hips. "...That's not an answer. No, that's not an answer at all."

Then, she looks over at the half-naked loli. "You there. Young vampire."

"Ah- aah…?" The loli- vampire, apparently- looks up at Remilia. "Oh, uhm…"

The almost indescribable being does another double jump, flipping on its second jump before landing. After that, it begins jogging around for no discernable reason.

"Surely you know where you are." Remilia drifts towards the young vampire. "It's not common practice to wander onto another vampire's property. _Especially_ one as young as you."

I slide the danger scissors away. This is enough danger for today.

Byakuren begins to meander back towards us, her gaze still on Shikome…

Shikome's gaze is on the strangely mechanical yet biological being.

My gaze is on Remilia.

…

Sighting the clock tower, as indicated by its movements, the curious being pivots around in a three-sixty circle, runs towards it, and leaps-

 _Woash!_ Instead of a normal double jump it seems to twirl into the air-

 _Woo~sh_ … It kicks in the air, which somehow slows its descent drastically as it closes in on the clock tower.

Byakuren passes it. She stops to give it a curious stare as it soars over her…

Eventually it reaches the clock tower, and begins scaling it with some kind of repeated leap along the side of the wall…

"How young are you?" Remilia looms over the fellow loli.

"Uhm…" The young one fidgets about. "...I- I think about twenty?"

Remilia's brow twitches. "...You _think about_ twenty. Good enough. Do you know who I am?"

Glancing away, the vampire eventually rested her gaze on Remilia. "A vampire?"

...Remilia's stare is dry. "Well, yes, that goes without question- I mean, identity. My name."

The other loli nods slowly. "Mistre~ss… master… girl?"

...Remilia just looks extremely jaded.

Well, this is probably the most peaceful random encounter so far. No one's gouged each other's eyes out yet.

...After reaching the top of the clock tower, the being seemed to have _leapt right off_ of it, allowing itself to plummet to the roof-

 _Thoom_. It lands similarly to how it spawned, plopping down on the roof hard but not hard enough to so much as damage the wood beneath itself, a feat for the height it fell.

This action attracts the attention of everyone on the rooftop, but Remilia returns to focusing on the loli…

Shikome stares at it again, as does Byakuren.

...After doing another unexplainable three-sixty in place, it moved up to Shikome, not entirely lined up to proceed straight towards her. Instead, it almost beelines towards her in a way, jogging in uneven segments, making uneven, oddly angled turns.

Leaning in, Shikome gave it an examining stare…

The being leans over Shikome in turn, curious as to her existence as well.

…

Shikome draws two tendrils from behind her back, and sends them forward-

They roll off the creature's flank, a faint blue aura cluing in on the fact it may have shields of some form.

Immediately, the semi-bionic being backflips away with great agility, whipping a glowing-tipped thurible out of nowhere and twirling it along its side-

 _Shi-shi-shink!_ Thin chains roar out from the rooftop around Shikome, latching around her form-

"Nnh…!?" Her muscles tense, her body almost jerking down into the floor as she tries to resist…

Landing, the being smoothly draws what I suspected was a pistol from its waist, aiming it at Shikome-

 _Pow!_

Shikome's head whips back, struck dead on by the bullet.

 _Pow- pow- pow- pow- pow- pow!_ The figure proceeds to randomly fire into her torso.

 _Bam!_ The chains succeed making her collapse to the ground, before retracting.

Remilia was now watching the being with sharp eyes. "...Modern firearms, hmm?"

...Byakuren was blinking in disbelief.

"Wh- whah…? So loud…" The blonde vampire loli rubbed her ears, looking around in aimless confusion.

Well. That… just happened.

Floating down with slight intrigue, Remilia folds her arms as she nears the being. "You're not very civil, are you? Pulling a gun and shooting where you please."

...The being turns towards her, looking around, before aiming its pistol up at her, slowly lining up its shot.

Remilia narrowed her eyes, red light subtly flaring up from within. "If you fire, it will be the worst decision you've ever made."

From here, I could see Shikome's still form on the floor. Her wounds were slowly beginning to close, including the one in her forehead…

So she's _not_ dead. I was almost pissed, there.

Quietly, I move towards her body-

 _Pow!_

Remilia's head is kicked back, a bullet entering her skull-

 _Pow!_

Before the next bullet strikes her, her form dissipates into scarlet mist.

...The being looks around, rotating three-sixty again-

 _Wham!_

The being's thrown across the roof by a punch, Remilia revealed to be right behind where it previously was. I could feel the wind from the blow from over here…

Blood was running down the vampire's face, her other arm clutching her forehead. "Hehe _haha~!_ "

As it stops skidding, shackles and thin chains like the ones it attacked Shikome with began to latch onto itself-

 _Cra~ng!_ Shattering the chains, the being twirls into the air, spinning around as pale energy flows out from it and into a circular storm around it. Eerie whispering noises can also be heard from the being during this.

...Eerie's not a great descriptive word, but I don't know how else you'd describe it. Spooky ghost noises?

Remilia's form vanishes entirely. No fade, no pillar of light, no mist, just gone.

 _Wham!_ Across the roof, Remilia lands a solid blow on the bionic thing, but nothing seems to happen-

 _Fwa-fwam!_ Two thick scarlet lasers erupt from nowhere, intersecting the being's form.

I lift Shikome's form off the floor. There is no blood- none that belongs to her, anyway.

The vampire loli from before was now hiding in the doorframe again, likely terrified.

With Shikome in arms, I look back at the table where Rumia's resting. Jogging over to it, I see Byakuren start to silently jog towards us as well…

Remilia's now in the air, examining the thing. "What is this? Some sort of protection magic?"

The creature aims up at her again.

 _Pow!_

Remilia is gone before the bullet hits her, appearing somewhere else in the sky.

Reaching the table, I contemplate plopping Shikome onto Rumia and carrying both, but I doubt I have anywhere near the arm capacity to do that.

Byakuren reaches us. "Hey…"

Screw off.

What the hell do I...

Awkwardly bringing my leg up, I try to kick Rumia in the side.

 _Thunk_. "Mmrm…" She rolls over of her own accord. Kicking is not easy with a loli in my arms.

"Give her to me." Byakuren holds open her arms, eyes urgent. "I'll help."

Fuck off.

Bringing my leg up again, I kick Rumia once more-

Thud. The force pushes her to the side of the table enough that it tips over and spills her off. "Awa~h…"

"You can't take both." Byakuren insists, her face hardening. "I'm only trying to help you…"

Bullshit.

 _Pow- pow, pow!_ The being is still fruitlessly firing at Remilia, who just keeps darting about in the sky.

...Rumia starts to get up. "Wha~h?"

Moving next to her, I half-crouch. "We need to go. Now."

" _Look_..." Byakuren frowns, positioning herself next to me. "I just want to get her help. Nothing will improve if you cannot atone, or at least admit to your errors. I am not here to hurt you."

Looking over at Byakuren, I scowl despite my mask. "I know priests, and priests fuck little children. Now go away."

...Byakuren just raises her eyebrows, seemingly caught off guard.

Rumia floats up, and I catch her attention. "Rumia, follow me and there will be friends and food."

She blinks. "Oka~y!"

"You don't _understand_." Byakuren grabs my shoulder as I move to leave. "She's hurting. You have no idea, leaving this problem alone."

"Hurting just like when you tried to kill us." I snap back.

Considering her grip's not loosening, I slip an arm off of Shikome to reach for my black scissors…

Byakuren turns me around, and looks me in the eyes. "Do you _want_ to fix this?"

...The force she exerts on my shoulders is ironically useful for positioning my off-hand to equip myself. Less strain on my own muscles.

Taking a deep breath, I consider her grip. It's probably loose enough to not hurt me…

I wiggle a little, and only then does she tighten slightly, before loosening it again. "Do you want to fix this?" She asks me again.

...I stare at her for a second.

…

After a moment of silence- and gunfire in the background but we don't talk about that- Byakuren's hands slide down my arms. "You can-"

"Nope." I slide backwards.

With that, I elude her grasp, slipping out from between her hands.

"Rumia!" I yell for her to follow us, just in case, and start to bolt towards the door where the vampire loli was ducking out in.

" _Come back!_ " Byakuren bolts towards me with enough force to make the roof shudder with each pound of her boots.

Sliding forward, I shamble and stumble towards the door, unsure whether or not I'm a step ahead of her or if she's staying _just_ behind me, waiting for me to tire.

Within seconds- which seem like minutes- I reach the door, throw myself into the candle-lit interior, and position myself to move for the stairs.

This moment of relent I take nearly lets my legs slide out from beneath myself, but I keep my balance.

"Who're you…!?" Vampire loli is here, therefore there is no need to fear.

"...Follow me. We're being hunted. You too." I start moving for the stairs.

"What!?" She starts to move after us. "What do you-"

Rumia flies into the door behind us, and starts floating ahead of us down the stairs.

Right after, Byakuren stomps inside, the hall shaking as she enters.

 _Fwoom!_ The status effect enchantment on me causes me to stagger, which is nothing new because I'm already staggering. I'm also damp, tired, weak, cursed, and probably ten different variants of syphoned, but that really doesn't matter right now.

Against better judgement, I slide forward, throwing myself against the guardrail of the stairs as I half slide, half free fall.

My clumsy movement almost lends to me getting thrown off the rail and onto the midst of the declining stairs, but the vampire loli notices my falling posture and darts in to correct it. "Woa- hey! Watch out!" That, or we just fell into her. Either way…

Reaching the bottom of the stairs, and falling onto my knees, I continue sliding forward _on_ said knees.

Ow, ow, ow. After this endeavor I may need a wheelchair, because my knees are crying.

 _Bam!_ Byakuren leapt down the entire flight of stairs, traveling in our wake.

" _Oo~h…!_ " The vampire loli realizes just how much of a threat she is, and seems conflicted about what to do…

"Sca~ry nun lady!" Rumia knows what's up.

Like this, we continue to shamble down the hall like a bunch of assholes for a few minutes, furniture being knocked aside behind us and Byakuren likely leaving imprints on the carpet-

 _Thu-thu-thunk_.

…

We're all stopped in place. Knives embed me to the wall by my clothes.

The vampire loli is caught by her cape behind me. "Wh- what happened…!?"

Rumia keeps roaring ahead without us, apparently not having been close enough to a wall to pin down. She slows down further into the hall, though…

Byakuren was apparently directly behind us, because she's trapped against the wall in a mid-running motion. A condensed spread of silver blades and even a few swords are lodged into the wall and her clothes to keep her in place.

...Sakuya steps up, looking at the whole scene from a sideways angle. "Hello, Hijiri."

"...Fine evening, isn't it?" She smiles at Sakuya.

"A fine evening for furniture destruction, yes." Sakuya monotones. "Are you done?"

"No." Byakuren denies. "I-"

Thu-thunk. Knives strike the wall beside her head.

"Are you done?" Sakuya seemingly never moved a muscle.

...Byakuren sighed. "I would suppose. Miss Izayoi, hear me out-"

"I'll hear you out later." Sakuya waved her off. "After someone pays for the furniture."

…

"The temple is a nonprofit effort." Byakuren tries, still against the wall.

"That's how your followers get to frequent town bars." Sakuya counters.

"My disciples' funds are not the temple's." Byakuren returns fire.

"Clearly how Ichirin, among other monks, were able to host an expedition to Golden Grin." Sakuya allowed herself a small smile. "...Besides, how exactly would the temple function if it hadn't a treasury for politics and necessities?"

…

Byakuren huffs. "Very well. When I get back to the temple, I'll send you a payment…"

"Appreciated." Sakuya nods.

"You do realize…" I speak up. "Remilia is getting a forced anal insertion, right?"

Thu-thunk. Two knives block my vision, impaling the wall directly before my face.

"I could always foot you with the bill." Sakuya threatens. "If you haven't the gold, we could put you to work. As an aside, we don't pay well."

Oh.

"I- I didn't… do _any~thing…!_ " Vampire loli whines behind me.

Sakuya doesn't seem to acknowledge her.

"Miss Izayoi." Byakuren asserts herself. "The girl in the arms of the man two spaces ahead of me. I've come to help right her."

"By breaking and entering during _visiting hours_." Sakuya retorts. "...For how peaceful you claim to be, you're rather trigger happy."

Byakuren's brow twitches. "...So you say. I apologize."

"Your apology will be accepted when the adequate funds are reimbursed." Sakuya drones out. "For now, I'll have to ask you to leave."

Byakuren tries to nod, but ends up displacing a few knives with her head instead. "...I understand. May I take a moment to take that youkai with me?"

...Sakuya tilts her head. "Is she truly that elusive?"

...Byakuren chooses not to comment, giving Sakuya a pleading stare.

"You may do as you may _outside_ of these halls." With her final word on the matter, Sakuya begins to walk off. "By that, I mean you may not interfere with other guests on Mistress' property. It would not reflect well on us as hosts."

"You cannot be serious." Byakuren's patience has worn thin.

"I'm never serious." Sakuya jests. "I never said you couldn't stand outside and wait, as long as you keep a respectable distance from the manor in doing so. Perhaps, if you'd spoken about this matter to us beforehand, we wouldn't have this disagreement."

…

Cla-clatter-clank-clank. The knives and swords along the wall around Byakuren all clatter to the floor as she effortlessly frees herself. "I suppose… I'll be going, then."

...Byakuren slowly walks past Sakuya.

As she moves down the hall, she turns to look at me and frowns.

"You know what…" I speak up. "Byakuren." ...Saying her name is weird, for some reason.

She stops, turning to me.

I'd gesture with my arms, but these knives won't let me. "Take her."

…

Byakuren begins to step towards me, smiling warmly. "Thank you."

Okay, first I'll let Byakuren take Shikome. Then, I'll go up onto the roof and get the motorcycle while Byakuren is preoccupied. After that, the lolis will come out and-

Sakuya appears in the way. "No trafficking inside the mansion, either. Unless it's an official matter, of course."

…

"She's a long lost princess of the tribe." I try. "Therefore it is an official matter."

"One that does not pertain to the manor." Sakuya dismisses the argument. "Therefore, it is not."

You bitch.

Byakuren keeps smiling, anyway. "Come. Let us speak outside. We've troubled this mansion enough."

With that, Byakuren starts to walk off...

…

Change of plans. Looking past me, I see Sakuya staring at me.

"I am stuck." Please remove knives from clothes. They happen to be pinned in just the right way to completely remove mobility.

...Thud. I fall after Sakuya removes the knives pinning me and the generic vampire loli in place.

Once I get back up- quite an effort, considering how much pain I am in- she seems to be gone. Hmm.

…

After an idle moment, I turn to the generic loli as Rumia cautiously drifts back up to us. "We're going out the back door."

Generic loli snorts. "I was about to say that…" Then, she smirks. "You planned that all along, didn'cha?"

Sure.

"Yep!" Rumia smiles, her arms left fully extended along her sides as she tends to do.

...Generic loli turns to her, brows furrowed. "Who're you?"

"Rumia~." Shadow loli formally introduces herself.

"...Why're you stretching your arms out like that?" Vampire loli questions.

"Doesn't it look like it says 'the saint was crucified on the cross'?" ...I'm not sure where that came from.

Vampire loli tilts her head. "...No? It reminds me of those funny crosses at church, though. Also, I'm… Vanilla."

Vanilla, huh.

Rumia twirls around. "Hello, Vanilla!"

Vanilla greets her plainly. "Hi."

Friends.

I begin to move. "Let's get out of here before we get utterly annihilated."

Vanilla fluffs up at that. "Whah- why? Is something out to get us…?"

...Probably.

Carrying Shikome in my arms, I begin to move to find Flandre's basement entrance. That should lead me to the easy way out back…

"Something's always out to get us!" Rumia cheerfully remarks, floating by my side idly. "It's only a matter of when…!"

Vanilla is vaguely incredulous at this. "When…? Why?"

Stop being smart and get over here.

/ / / / A SUPER POWERED MIND AND A MECHANICAL CANINE / / / /

The three of us- four counting the unconscious Shikome- are proceeding down a long hallway. Oh, is it a long hallway…

I don't know where I'm going, and I don't know where I've been, but I'm here, and I have lolis.

 _Fwoom!_ I am soaked, again. Cool.

We are in a long expanse of doorless hallway. This is a real nice hallway.

"Where are we…?" Vanilla is mystified by the mansion's interior. "Is this place… really just a big mansion?"

"Where is we?" Rumia restates her question for no particular reason.

"Like…" Shaking her head, Vanilla pans her gaze around again. "Wo~w. I can't imagine owning a place this big…"

"Where are food?" Rumia poses an entirely new question.

"I wonder how old the big vampire here is…" Vanilla paces a little faster to keep up with us, after lagging behind due to her gazing.

"When?" Rumia stops making sense entirely.

...Vanilla furrows her brows. "We're here, now. You are food."

...Rumia blinks.

Why did I bring them with me again? 

...We continue forward-

 _Boom!_

The wall ahead and to the right of us is blown open, a torrent of wind and electric energy whirling out of it and-

 _Boom!_ -tunneling through the following wall.

...We stop and stare at the destruction.

"Fff~... uu~ck." A green-haired fairy maid sprints out of the rightmost hole, her swirly glasses low on her nose and crooked.

...Turning to us, her brow twitches. "No one saw that. Right?"

I shake my head.

Rumia rotates to face the wrong way. "What am I?"

Vanilla looks over at her. "I dunno."

...Rumia beams. "Me neither!"

...After a moment, the fairy maid corrects her posture, and uses a hand to slide her glasses back up. "Right. Sorry, but I'll have to push you out of this hallway."

Chi-chank. She pulls a small but rough looking box from her back, and plops it onto the floor. Crouching, she pulls some tight valves and ridged dials on it-

Fwi-fwir-fwi~sh. The far ends of the hallway seem to jitter for a moment, before fading to black, which eventually gives way to swirls of scarlet, black, and candle light.

Standing upright again, the fairy maid crosses her arms. "Air Module, activate."

 _Bwi-bwip!_ Her outfit seems to change to a bright green and mint color scheme…

Cha-chank- clankclankclankclank…

Metal parts fold out of it, and four tiny fans are created along the sides of her torso.

She points at us, smiling. "Remember, you didn't see me!" Arching her arms back, she crouches and-

 _FWOOSH_

We're slammed by a powerful gust of wind.

We fly back for a good few moments-

Thu-thu-thud. We come to a stop at the center of a T-shaped intersection. Despite being blown back the way we came, we weren't here before. Oof.

"Oww~..." Vanilla rubs her head. "Why~?"

Rumia floats off of the wall, having hit it flat with her back. "We saw what wasn't meant to see. Be seen? Nnh..."

...Looking back down the hallway we were blown down, I see a turn instead of a long straightway. This mansion likes to not be transparent about its room randomization.

/ / / / CANDLE LIGHT, MOON LIGHT / / / /

After more minutes of aimless wandering, we managed to reach the basement.

Stepping up to Flandre's door, the short maze puzzle before it really being a non-issue, I knock on it.

"We're ho~me…" Rumia vocalizes our presence.

"It's dark down here." Vanilla seems vaguely offput by the dark, for some reason.

…

The door swings open smoothly, a stout fluffle inserting itself into the way to push it open. "here i am"

Its presence causes Vanilla to recoil. "Wh- what is that…!?"

Annoying, that's what it is.

"No no no~..." Flandre steps up to the door, and brushes the fluffle aside. "Let _me_ answer it…"

Turning to us, she stares… then she smiles. "Oh. Hello~!"

"I have a loli problem." I hold up Shikome, before tilting my head towards my party members.

Flandre perks up, pointing a finger at Rumia. "It's you!"

Rumia stops spinning in place, beaming down at Flandre. "It's you!"

...As Flandre looks over at the vampire loli, her expression becomes more neutral. "Oh…"

Vanilla clams up for some reason. "Wa- waah…"

"Why're you here?" Flandre doesn't emote as she asks the question.

"I- I dunno…?" Vanilla shrinks back…

"She got lost." I provide.

...After a long, multiple second stare, Flandre smiles. "Oka~y!" Turning around, she enters the room and leaves the door open. "C'mon in! I was just having some tea…"

Inside, there was a tea table, two loli-sized fluffles at two chairs, two chairs completely empty, and an extra chair to the side with a big teddy bear on it.

Flandre walked up to her chair, while the fluffle that opened the door moved for the other. "Oh. These are my friends!" Flandre gestures to the fluffles in order. "This is Soft, this is Tubs, and this is Stuff."

"i love the world" The leftmost fluffle smiles.

"hide me" The rightmost fluffle sat down, before slouching forward.

"i hate you" The last, centermost fluffle stares at Flandre blankly.

…

 _Thu-crack!_

The fluffle, and the chair it sat in, were destroyed after Flandre picked up her fork and tossed it straight through the both of them.

Clack. Now missing the top half, the chair tilted backwards and fell over.

...Looking over at us, Flandre smiled. "Free seat?"

I hold up my hand before anyone can respond. "I'm sorry, but we must be going."

...Flandre pouts, tilting her head at us. "That's what you did last time you came here. I didn't really appreciate you getting past me just to destroy our stuff, y'know…"

Oh. So she knows. "Don't worry. I'm just smuggling lolis out of the country." I gesture with Shikome again.

Flandre gives me a stare. Then, she stares back at the table. "Oka~y. If you go into the actual cellar and break stuff again though…"

She grabs a generic white tea cup-

 _Crack!_ It shatters instantly, even though she didn't look like she remotely tried to crush it.

"Aw, darn…" Flandre frowns at the tea cup's destruction. Then, she turns to Soft the fluffle. "I blame you."

The fluffle's shell nose flips open in surprise.

"im executioner" The rightmost fluffle smiles.

Soft's shell nose lowers. "im medium" It turns to the empty, broken seat. "Tubs is sk hang him"

"Tubs afk" With that, the rightmost fluffle slumps over.

"oh no" Soft tilts back in its seat and stares into space.

…

With that, I start moving towards the back door of Flandre's room. "Let's go."

"I'm executioner." Rumia repeats what the fluffle said as she drifts behind me…

"Uhm…" Somewhat baffled, Vanilla waves at Flandre as we leave. "Bye~...?"

Flandre looks up at her. "Oh, yeah. Don't eat my food while you're leaving. 'Cause I know it's there, and Sakuya knows it's there, but big sister and Sakuya don't know that _I_ know it's there."

For some reason, Vanilla cringes back hard. "Ah- I- I'll try not to...?"

"Cool!" Flandre nods at that. "Bye~!"

"Hello~!" Rumia greets her as she follows me out the back door.

/ / / / GAS GAS GAS I'M GONNA RUN AS FAST AS THE FLASH / / / /

We have escaped the basement, and are now in the mansion backyard.

The sky is dark, and there's not a lot of light. We get some illumination from the mansion's many windows, some lit and some not. But it's still dark.

Few stars glimmer in the night sky, hinting at the gradual overcast befalling the land.

Quickly, I tread across the lawn, weaving past flower patches and ornate bushes as I progress towards the exterior brick wall.

Rumia drifts in a circle over me in the air. "Aa~h… It's a great night!"

"...Yeah." Vanilla agrees with that. "Not even the stars are shining."

...As we walk up to the back wall, we approach a loli-sized fairy maid. She's got short, earth green hair, her front bangs flat and evenly cut, yet still over her eyes.

She's pressing some buttons on some device on the wall…

"Heyo~!" Rumia makes our presence blatant.

Jumping, the fairy turns to us, before pulling something from her waist and aiming it at us-

Fw-ow-ow-ow. It creates a flash of green light. I don't feel any different though.

She looks up at Rumia, "Dark-resistant," then at Vanilla, "Dark-resistant," then at me. "...No resistances. Susceptibility to status chances."

Finally, she looks down at Shikome. "...Woa~h. I… guess dark-resistant. Lots of resistances but also some weaknesses…"

…After her analysis, we have an idle, quiet moment.

"Who're you?" She looks over all of us. "Did Mistress send you?"

"...Yes." I decide. "We require a report on your efforts."

"What…?" She jerks her head back. "No." Bringing up her cartoony, vaguely gun-shaped device, she aims it at us again. "You didn't see me."

 _Fwa~sh!_ It produces a blinding flash.

"Woa~h!" Rumia yells. "Here comes the su~n!"

"Oww~." Vanilla whines. "Why~?"

...After a few moments, the light fades, the fairy gone. That mechanical pad's still on the wall, though.

There seems to be a spinning circle on the screen, and some Japanese. Walking up to it, I poke it to try and screw with it. It doesn't react.

...Grabbing it- with one hand because I need at least one arm to keep Shikome from eating dirt- I pull, to little avail.

"Who says a wall's a wall?" Rumia floats up to the wall and touches it.

"So…" Panning her head around, Vanilla rests her gaze on the wall. "How're we getting out?"

Beat it to death. "Let us fly." I jump a few inches, achieving nothing at all.

"Oh." Vanilla blinks. "...Oh, ri~ght!"

Poof! With a puff of black smoke, she turns into a bat, which darts over the wall.

I hold up Shikome. "Rumia, help."

...Rumia floats over to me and lifts up the unconscious loli, before grinning. "Life comes at 'cha fast, huh?"

Where did this wit come from. Just- take the loli and go, you.

…

Oh, right, how _I'll_ get over. I don't imagine it being easy with this status effect hell…

…

I really should have thought this out.

A moment later, Rumia comes back over the wall, Shikome no longer in her arms. "Aren't you coming?"

"I am incapable of flying." For I have not wings meant for flying. "Help."

...Floating down to me, Rumia has a dry expression. "Really~. Even fairies can _fly_ …"

"This fairy cannot." I counter. "I am in need of assistance."

...Positioning herself around my back, she begins to lift me. "Oka~y."

It's slow at first, but slowly she begins to lift me up and over the back wall…

...On the other side, Vanilla is standing next to Shikome, who's propped up against a tree for the time being.

...Rumia stops a few feet off the ground-

Thud. She drops me onto the floor. Good.

 _Fwo-Fwi~sh_. The status effect prisms around me dissolve, and I get control over my life back.

...As I stand up, Vanilla looks over at Shikome.

...Slowly, groggily, Shikome's eyes blink open.

"Oo~h…" Vanilla seems to perk up at this. "Hi! I'm Va-"

Immediately, Shikome rolls off the tree trunk and onto the vampire girl, locking lips with her. "Mmnh…!?" Her arms clamp up at her sides, her eyes wide-

Thud. Shikome's weight causes her to fall back onto the floor. "Mnhnh!?"

Rumia tilts to the side in the air, arms outstretched and half-grinning. "Yeah, you never _do_ see it coming…"

Shikome's arms clamp around the sides of the vampire girl, binding her as she presses the loli's head into the floor. "Nnn~...!"

...There's a pop as Shikome retracts her head, breaking the kiss. Then, she thrusts herself back upright.

...Vanilla just lies on the floor, eyes spinning. "Wawaha~nh…?"

Looking around, Shikome's expression was blank. "...Where are we?"

"Outside the walls of Troy." I explain. "We must escape to civilization." ...She recovered remarkably fast for someone who got shot in the head. Which is also to say, at all.

...Gazing around at the dark forest, Shikome blinks a few times. Then, her gaze rests on the vampire on the floor. "State your name, juvenile wight."

...Dizzily, Vanilla begins to sit up. "Aah. Wah-... Vanilla. I'm… Vanilla." Vanilla the vampire loli, clad in only a cape and white panties with bats on them. Good.

Shikome runs her eyes over her, lips curling. "...You should show more modesty in your appearance."

...Vanilla starts to stand, brushing her cape off. "Why?"

You'll get ravaged. Violated. Eaten alive.

"Modesty shmodesty!" Rumia suddenly pipes up in the air beside me. "A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do!"

Vanilla almost pumps her fist into the air to agree, but seems to reconsider at the last second…

...Shikome just seems indifferent.

We have gone from a loli party to a loli palooza.

/ / / / COOKED NUGGETS / / / /

Navigating around the manor wall was not very difficult. The few youkai who spotted us pretty much entirely ignored us, or gave us passing waves.

We went the long way to the Misty Lake, mostly because Byakuren was probably still waiting for us in front of the manor, and running into her would be unpleasant.

The lake was starting to fog up, making the already dark night start to become unnavigable…

"I don't even need to hide tonight!" Rumia twirls in the air over us as we walk. "I'm already lost…"

Fortunately, the lake water still exists, so we just keep walking alongside it. Hopefully we don't die instantly to the creatures of the mist.

Vanilla shambles along beside us. "How long will we keep walki~ng…? My feet hurt…" Being barefoot probably doesn't help her any. Where exactly did she come from, where having literally nothing on was called for?

...Eventually, we come up to someone crouched by the lake water. They're holding onto a long pole that's lodged in the water, a disc with glowing light energy running along it attached.

I slow down as we near them, but I start moving to skirt around them…

It's hard to see, but they're wearing dark greens and bright yellows. They have short blue hair, and apparently have a mask attached to their face...

Perhaps this is a fellow mask. Or maybe not.

Shikome steps up to it.

...The person turns to Shikome, revealing the mask to be wooden, amber lights shining out of various holes in it, one big one where their eyes should be. "Oh? At this hour, ah?"

...Shikome just stares down at it.

Bringing their… light disc on a stick out of the water, the being floats out of its crouching position. It sounds like a her, though. "Ehehe! You all just up 'n' came outta nowhere!"

She bobs back and forth in the air, her mask rotating and spinning on her face with the momentum she exerts.

Shikome leaps after the being-

 _Fwa-_ Eeeeee~...!

Ow, ow ow. Cool flashbang effect. Apparently those exist in Gensokyo.

…

Slowly, the world returns to darkness. Now I can't see _anything._

I can hear things, though. "Wo~w tha~t smarts…" Rumia whines in the background.

"My- my… ears…" Vanilla stumbles around somewhere behind me. "Nnn~..."

...Shikome's staring into the distance. The girl that created the flashbang effect doesn't seem to be here anymore, although her disc on a stick is still half on the shore.

That was eventful. Now we're alone in the fog, as alone as a party can be.

…

Once I find myself and the ringing stops enough for me to continue shambling across the lakeside, I do so.

"Can't see~..." Vanilla apparently still can't see yet.

"Hello daylight, my old friend…" Rumia rubs her eyes as she drifts unevenly ahead of us. "I've come to talk with you aga~in…"

/ / / / DIVE MAN / / / /

We are now on the Hakurei path, leading towards the village. It's dark, but the path is linear so it really doesn't matter how blind we are. That, and I'm pretty sure the only one here without night vision is me.

The trees directly around us are easy to make out, but past them everything is just black haze. Good nighty.

"There's a strong shrine maiden around here!" Rumia speaks of the nearby shrine. "She likes to take walks at night. I think…"

Considering her, probably not.

"You know…" Vanilla slowly looks over at us. "Who are you guys?"

Oh yeah, we never told her.

"Friends." I inform her.

"Food." Rumia quips. "...I'm Rumia!"

"Hi, Rumia." Vanilla greets the loli of shade. Then, she looks over at me and Shikome again. "...Can I get you guys' names, too?"

"Satanslaughter McKillgore." Only the finest of names.

...She stares down at the ground. "Oh."

…

After a moment of walking, she looks over at me again. "That name's kinda silly…"

I slowly turn my head towards her as if offended. "I'll have you know I come from a distinguished royal family of carpenters."

At first she looks slightly worried, but after I finish my sentence... "Carpenters? Whah- well… sorry."

I nod like an asshole.

...Shikome's here, except she's just staring off to the side of the path, not entirely _here_.

The brush rustles ahead. By that, we mean probably enemies. That, or another youkai who'll just think we're youkai too. Considering my party composition, we may as well _all_ be youkai.

...As anticipated, a wolfman walks out. Alongside him seems to be a fairy of some sort.

"Y'ain't half bad, George." The wolfman calls the obviously female fairy 'George'. "Y'aughta try gettin' into that _bitch_ one of these times, though."

The raggedly dressed fairy holds her arms up. "I- yeah I've _tried_ , man! One paper thing and that's it. I told ya what happened ta Zack." She seems to be dressed in very loose rags, caked in dirt and unclean.

Her hair is a sort of bright red, only one side done in a sloppy pigtail, the other side's hair let down. Looking over at us, her eyes light up. "Oo~h… shi~t!"

The wolfman looks over at us. "...Huh?"

'George' taps the youkai's thigh, since that's as high as the stout fairy can touch. "Man- Sakamoto you just hang back for a second. I _got_ this…"

...Sakamoto smirks. "A'right. I'll be right over here…" With that, he just kinda steps back.

...Promptly, 'George' skips up to us. "He~y!" She speaks in a high pitch, more befitting of a fairy.

We all just stare at her. Vanilla speaks first. "...Hi."

Shikome's eying the fairy curiously.

She giggles. "Hehehe~! You're all so _cute…!_ " Then, she looks at me, dropping her childish tone. "'Cept for you, man."

"Fuck you." Stupid fairy. On closer inspection, her wings are tattered, for some reason.

Shikome begins to step past it-

"Aw~, look at you…!" The fairy begins to step towards her. "How do you get your hair like that?"

...The fairy begins to reach out to grab her, but Shikome grabs her first.

"Woah…" The fairy blinks. "...Hehehe~. Are we gonna cudd-"

 _Pi~chun!_ Shikome throws the fairy into the floor, crushing it.

...Where the fairy was, a swirling, black mass is left.

Slowly, it begins to rise, taking the form of a grinning, semi-humanoid blob. " _Huoa~hoo~h!_ How I wish I could _be_ you…!"

The ghost's arms lunge out for Shikome, but she just stands there and doesn't do much.

…

After a moment of the ghost waving at her, she begins to move towards the wolfman.

" _Whoh…?_ " The ghost actually blinks at this, which is more like closing and reopening its eye-esque holes. " _How?_ "

...I take out my blessed scissors. Just on the off chance it engages us.

As Shikome moves up to the startled looking wolfman, the ghost begins to turn around towards us…

It eyes Vanilla. " _Why~_ , aren't you _adorable~!?_ " Sliding through the air, one of its arms stretches out towards her-

I hobble up to intercept it, swinging my unassuming scissors through it-

 _Fwish!_ It draws an amber line through the ghost's formless limb, the portion sliced off dissolving into the air.

" _Howaouh!?_ " The ghost recoils. "Ho~ly artifact!? You-... you aren't even a holy-type enemy!"

That's too bad.

I glance over at Vanilla, who seems to just be slowly backing away from the encounter, somewhat intimidated.

Rumia's spinning in place with her arms outstretched, uncaring.

...The ghost glances over at Rumia, before reconsidering even approaching her. It starts to back up, towards the woods. " _I'll find you when you sleep._ Unless one of you volunteer to come with me."

It points at Rumia. "But not you. Not again."

…

Our collective non-response causes it to slouch, as much as a ghost can slouch. "Can- can you at least _try_ to be afraid?"

"I ain't afraid of no ghost." I reaffirm the running theme.

…

It begins to turn away. "Damn. We gotta find another sexy fairy, Saka-..."

Sakamoto the wolfman is currently lying on the ground, six tendrils pinning it down by the limbs. "Grrh- wauf! Wrauf!" It barks at Shikome, who looms over it. "Wau-"

 _Shink!_ A seventh tendril slides down its throat mid-bark and pierces it. "Hh~..."

"Shut up." Bending over, Shikome reels her arm back, and-

 _Crack!_ She drives her arm up its chest cavity, but still cracks something. I'm unsure if that was the popping of flesh, or if she just accidentally clipped a rib on the way in.

...She tugs a few times at something, but then-

 _Rii~p!_ She pulls out a large organ. Its pulsing nature reveals it to probably be the heart-

Rip! She takes a greedy bite of it, particles that look black in the evening's gloom squirting off, visible only by the slight glimmer from the few stars that shine in the sky.

...More visibly however is the liquid running straight down from the heart and onto the floor, and down Shikome's arm. That's a little less interesting than the splashing, though. It reminds me of eating oranges, or tangerines.

"Is-..." Vanilla's got her hands over her eyes, but is peeking through one. "Is she… eating his heart?"

...Slowly, Rumia starts to float over. "Nnn~. I don't like eating wolf. They taste like dirt 'n' fur…"

George the ghost leaves into the woods. "Man, fuck this. Only the _freaks_ come out at night…"

…

Turning to Vanilla, I gesture towards our murder loli. "I forgot to mention. Her name is Shikome."

"A- aah…" Vanilla holds a hand over her mouth. "Mmn…" Then, she looks away. "Ok- okay…"

I lumber over towards Shikome, which prompts Vanilla to half-heartedly meander behind me.

...Shikome looks over at the two of us, then at the half-eaten heart. She holds it out towards Vanilla once she gets close.

"Uhm…!?" Vanilla holds her hands over her eyes. "...Yo- you're…? Ah, no- no thanks, I'm okay… I- I don't eat like that."

...Blinking, Shikome waits a moment, then brings the heart to her mouth-

 _Ri~p!_ She takes another greedy chunk from it, and chews it.

"Ge- geez…" Vanilla sighs. "Nn~..."

/ / / / MARCH OF THE FLUFFLES / / / /

We come up to the village gates.

A guard stands outside, clad in bronze, perhaps brass armor. He has a similar pike, and unlike any of the guards I've seen prior, he is well armored.

...Seeing us, he immediately takes a defensive stance. "Stop! Turn around, and don't make any sudden moves!"

This may be a fight you can't win. You can always try again when you're a higher level.

...We all just stare at him.

He backs up into the gate, seemingly knowing of just how fucked he is. "...Koki! Gate- open the gate, Koki! Light the signal torch!"

...There's no response from the watch perch above the gate.

"Koki!" He yells. " _Koki!_ "

"Relax. We won't hurt you." I lie blatantly.

"Fuck you!" ...He crouches against the gate, his pike held out. "...Go ahead, eat me! I hate living anyway…!"

Shikome steps towards him, and Rumia starts floating over her…

He just shuts his eyes, waiting for the incoming pain...

 _Shink!_ Shikome pierces his throat with a tendril-

 _Cra~ng!_ The tendril pierces the gate spoke behind the guard's head, rending the metal.

"Hh~..." A light hissing sound emits from the guard.

...Shikome starts moving the tendrils up-

 _Crrii~ng…!_ The metal whines as her tendril begins to jerk it up, but she's forced to bring it back a little to keep raising the guard's head-

 _Cr-krik_ … His head is raised unnaturally high from his shoulders, and after further pressure from Shikome-

 _Ri~p!_ It's torn off, blood dripping down the tendril that severed it. The body slumps to the side as a result.

...Shikome lets the head drop to the floor, before stepping aside. Rumia drifts down to the body, then looks over at her fellow death loli. "I need a can opener…"

Responding to her request, Shikome crouches down and grabs the brass chestplate-

Pang! Krang-kra- _crack!_ After some effort and tugging, Shikome slowly peels the front face of the chestplate open.

Snap! Once it's fully down, she uses two arms to remove it from the guard, exposing his undershirt.

"Thank you~." Smiling, Rumia holds her hands over the exposed chest-

 _Fwam!_ She unleashes a thick concentration of danmaku, which tears away the clothing-

 _Fwam!... Fwam!_ She does this repeatedly, causing the skin she concentrates it on to crackle wildly with red energy, but also begin to darken.

"Did you know you can cook with danmaku bullets?" Rumia shares her human hunting knowledge with us. "You gotta use a lot though, and if you eat it before it calms down it'll knock you out or hurt really badly…"

"...Cook?" Expression blank, Shikome reveals that she doesn't know what cooking is.

"Yeah." Rumia smiles at her-

 _Fwam!_ The guard's chest is now a small electrical storm.

"It makes meat tastier!" Rumia smiles wider at the notion. "It also helps with like… gross stuff in 'em, and keeps it from going weird as fast."

 _Fwam!_ That fried guard is crackling very loudly now, and is bright enough to light up the gate outside of the few dinky torches placed here for the guards…

…

 _Fwam!_ Rumia shells the corpse again. How much danmaku is too much?

"Why…" Vanilla speaks up from beside me, frowning at the growing electrical hazard. "Why do you eat people?"

Rumia looks over at her, blinking. "Why don't you?"

"I- I…" Vanilla clams up, looking away. "I don't… need to eat people to survive. I drink blood- and I'm still young- but… it just seems wrong."

Rumia blinks at her once more, before looking back at the corpse. "I gotta eat…"

"You killed someone." Vanilla reaffirms her morality. "And… he didn't do anything to you. You just killed him…"

Not looking over at her, Rumia crouches over the corpse as she waits for it to cool, and for the electrical storm to die down.

"Don't you feel bad?" Vanilla looks over at her again, tilting her head to avoid looking at the body.

Rumia blinked blankly. "Why?"

Again, Vanilla looks away, this time in my direction, her eyes slightly red. Well, they're naturally red, but in the upset way. "...No, uhm, no reason…"

Shikome lifts the still-crackling corpse with her arms, poised to take a bite. Rumia brings her arms up-

 _Shunk!_ Shikome sinks her teeth into the meat…

...She promptly removes them, gradually bringing her head back as her face slowly winces.

"You gotta wait for it to stop being electric and stuff." Rumia reiterates, lowering her arms. "It'll hurt you if you don't."

... _Shunk!_ Shikome tries again, only to slowly start wincing a second time...

"Wa~it…" Rumia stares at her dryly.

/ / / / CHALLENGER DEEP / / / /

...The sky begins to glow a deep blue. How long have we been awake?

We're now in the village, after cranking the gate open. I'm not sure where to go from here, because the streets ahead have noticeable, frequently stationed watchmen.

We _could_ kill them all. If we did, that'd probably start a war- with _us_ at the center of it. Perhaps… we should keep as low of a profile as possible.

...We walk forward into the village. Rumia's a surprisingly clean eater, but she's still got blood on her face. Shikome's caked in fresh blood, and Vanilla… is clean, but naked to the point that we'd probably be liable for adultery or something. Panties and a cape don't make for clothing.

Immediately once we get onto the main road, two guards on opposing ends of the street begin to approach us. Good.

...Once they come up to us, the leftmost one speaks. "I'm going to have to ask you four to leave. There are no youkai allowed in the village at this time."

...Shikome begins to move-

"Wa-wait!" Vanilla steps forward first. "Let me…"

...The guards raise their pikes pre-emptively.

Vanilla stares at the guards…

 _Fwish!_ Her eyes flash.

…

"Surrender." Vanilla commands them, with more authority than I'd heard from her before.

Cla-clank. The guards drop their pikes and kneel before us. "I- I give up…"

"...Th- they _do_ work…" The vampire girl sighs, holding a hand to her chest.

...Shikome begins to step forward-

"No no no!" Whirling around, Vanilla holds out her arms, waving her hands. "Don't kill them! Th- that's why I made them sur-surrender! So- so we don't kill them...!"

...Shikome begins to step forward-

"That's probably a good idea." I reaffirm Vanilla's point. "If we kill a few, we're going to have the whole swarm after us."

At that, Shikome folds her arms. "...Hmph."

Rumia adds onto that. "Yeah. Every time I get inside I just get chased out and have to spend the day removing arrows… and arrows _hurt_."

...Vanilla exhales in relief.

…

"Have the guards escort us." I direct the vampire loli. "So you don't have to hypnotize every single guard we come across." It seems like she can command them directly.

"...Yo- you're right." Vanilla nods at this. Looking over at the guards, she speaks again. "Rise."

...The guards stand.

"Weapons." Vanilla steps up to them, gesturing to the pikes.

Feverishly, the guards kneel, and clutch the pikes.

"Escort us." Vanilla folds her arms. "...If anyone asks, you're taking us to jail."

The rightmost guard nods hastily. "Yes, my mistress. If anyone asks, I am taking you to jail."

...At that Vanilla drops her posture, stepping back. "There…"

The guards step around us, pikes raised officially.

"That's coo~l!" Rumia smiles at the guard beside us. "How'd you do that…?"

"...I can't really explain it." Vanilla admits. "It's… a thing I can do."

"Hello~!" Rumia floats in front of the guard. "How are you?"

"I am taking Mistress to jail." The guard asserts confidently.

...Rumia tilts her head. "...Are you feeling well?"

"I am taking Mistress to jail." He nods pridefully.

This won't go wrong at all.

...Vanilla giggles. "Eheh. Uhm… let's hope no one talks to them?"

Good hypnosis. Hopefully the appearance of being escorted is enough.

With that said and done, I begin moving forward, prompting my posse to follow along with me. Three lolis, a masked weirdo, and two guards. We're slowly becoming a small army.

Moving down the road, we pass more stationed guards, but they just give us stares as we pass by, not approaching. Not many villagers are on the street at this hour, so it allows me to see just how many guards are stationed around…

They really got serious with their guarding, apparently. Every one-two hundred feet or so down the road, there's another guard pair of guards stationed at either side. If Vanilla hadn't hypnotized the first few, we literally would have had to kill about twenty guards to reach the main square.

Speaking of, we're now at the main square. There's a platform in the center that gets in the way, with nothing on it. Good.

There are few people up and about in the square at this hour…

Idly, I pace around the platform and examine all the surrounding stalls. Things are still overcast, so aside from some gloom it may as well still be night.

Stalls are just being set up, really. Although a few are being pestered by some customers, or perhaps associates.

...Noticing a stall that sells produce, I approach it. I'm curious to see Shikome accidentally the food with her presence.

We meander up to it, the stall faintly illuminated by a single candle on the counter. Ahead of it, some shelves of what look like cabbage and tomatoes, while the counter itself had some ears of corn on the right, far from the candle.

There're two people ahead of the counter, and one scruffy man behind it. After a moment though, one of them walks away. The remaining individual has a shabby looking brown cloak over their entire form.

...I eventually come up beside the cloaked person, and put my arms on the counter.

My party approaches behind me, turning this previously desolate stand into a loli dominion. Also with guards, like we're royalty.

The guy's turned away, currently fiddling with something behind his counter…

…

Curiously, I glance over at the cloaked individual. They're staring straight ahead at him.

…

I turn to the cloaked individual. "So how's the weather?"

...They pan their head towards me, slightly luminescent dull blue eyes peering at me. Her hair's white, short-

Oh. It's Youmu.

...Slowly, she glances behind me, prompting me to do the same.

Vanilla's discreetly examining some of the produce, while Rumia's very blatantly examining the produce-

"Omf!" -with her mouth. She just took a bite out of a cabbage. "...Pftoo~!" Then, she spat it out. Good.

...Shikome's casually standing next to a shelf of both cabbage and tomatoes. The produce next to her is slowly dimming in color.

...After a moment, she glances at the gradually worsening food, before returning to staring into space. The food's starting to become black, now.

I glance at Youmu again, to find her staring at me. She runs her eyes across my body briefly.

"Why are you here?" She keeps her voice low, fitting the day's atmosphere.

"I am here to sell my goods." I inform her. "You see, I am a used watch salesman."

Reaching into my backpack, I pull out my trusty hand cannon of a gun, and hold it up to face the vendor.

...The vendor turns around, and blinks at it.

"How much for this?" I attempt to barter with him.

...Face falling, he shakes his head. "We don't buy…" He looks the gun over, unable to determine what it is. "We don't buy _things_ here. We sell."

Youmu holds her stare with me. "I won't let you cause trouble here. Just leave."

"No, no." I jiggle the gun again. "I insist."

"I insist you do what the lady says an' go away." The shopkeeper waves me off. "Don't got money to buy. We _sell_."

Oh. Oh no.

...Turning around, I look at Shikome.

The food next to her is now either pitch black or eerily glossy. Outside of that, all of the corrupted matter seems to be mobile now, wriggling and writhing.

...The shopkeeper notices, too. "Wh- what the _hell!? What!?_ "

Youmu steps back a little. "Ah…?" Her eyes run across my posse, then she glances back at me.

I regard the food honestly. "I… don't think you're going to sell those."

The guy slams his arms on the counter in disbelief, before moving to get around it. "No shit!? Fuck!"

Wiggly tendrils start to sprout from the rotten food…

"What are you doing?" Youmu steps closer to me, eyes narrowing. "These youkai- the guards, what is this?"

"Didn't do nothin'." I start to put away my super gun… "Just came to shop around."

Youmu's expression flares at my dismissal-

"Ah!" The vendor pulls his arm back as a cabbage attempts to clamp onto it. After that, he reaches into his coat and draws a small knife. "Dammit- I _grew_ you!" Cautiously, he starts taking stabs at the cabbage.

...I spot Vanilla hiding behind the shelf of good produce, looking away from the scene entirely. She seems tempted to glance back, though.

Rumia's standing on the ground, but tilting back and forth in a way that could be mistaken for dancing. That, or brain damage. Especially with her arms outstretched like that...

Youmu huffs next to me. "You're telling me what's going on. This isn't funny."

...I point at the guy fighting his vegetables. "You know, it is actually kinda funny."

...She glances away, for just a moment, her frown becoming momentarily neutral. "That's... not the point."

...I lean against the counter and watch the fight ensue.

Shikome walks away from the shelf, and up to the semi-dancing Rumia. With a clutch of her arms, she catches her fellow loli in a cuddle.

"Hello~..." Rumia greets her, grinning. "It's a kinda sleepy day, isn't it?"

Walking around the second shelf, Shikome approaches Vanilla, and holds out Rumia.

After a moment, Vanilla notices and blinks. "...Uh~m…?"

...She seems to read Shikome's intent, and moves to grab Rumia- "Woah!" Once Shikome lets go, Rumia lands on her feet and Vanilla tips forward and into her instead. "Nnh…"

...Youmu almost loses steam at this sight, before glaring at me again. "Why are they here? You brought Rumia, and…"

She moves to walk around the shelf to get a better glance at the loli party. Once she finishes, she comes back over to me. "One of them's a _vampire_. Who did you come to kill this time?"

"We're just hanging out." I nod lethargically.

"Don't… _give_ me that." Youmu gets frustrated, scowling. "You _always_ lie." Looking away, she begins to lower her hand inside of her cloak...

From here, I see Shikome navigate around Rumia and lift up Vanilla by the shoulders.

"Woa- hey…" Vanilla squirms a little. "Do- don't-"

Leaning forward, Shikome starts to lick up her stomach, starting with just above her panties.

" _Eee~!_ " Vanilla squees in surprise, arms clamping to her sides. "Wha- what…!?"

This causes Youmu to look over, and promptly jerk her head back.

Gradually, Shikome runs her tongue up the vampire's flat stomach, making her way up to her mostly exposed chest and finishing at the collar of her neck.

"Oo- oo~h…" Vanilla compacts a little, shuddering. "Wh- wha~h…"

"You're really cute..." Shikome comments, before sealing it with a kiss on the lips.

"Nnn…" Vanilla almost seems to melt into it, only showing small signs of resistance.

"What…" Youmu is taken aback. "What am I watching?"

The shop vendor seems to have stopped fighting his food, giving the two a slack-jawed stare.

The brainwashed guards still stare into space. Their current orientation is facing the front of the stall, gazing past the stall itself.

...Youmu shifts up to a guard. "Uhm, sir. What are you doing?"

"I am taking Mistress to jail." He gives Youmu a knowing grin and a nod.

...Youmu blinks. "You're what now?"

"I am taking Mistress to jail." He gives Youmu another knowing grin and nod.

...Sighing, Youmu backs away from him. With that exchange over, she turns to me. "I'm not letting you leave again."

"At least let us have dinner first." I jeer.

Youmu's face is one of disgust. "You've made Yuyuko-sama really upset…"

"Blame Yukari, not me." I raise my eyebrows, before remembering I have a mask on. I tilt my head anyway.

"That may be true…"

Shi~ng. Youmu slowly draws her blade, which glimmers in the dim light of the slowly brightening overcast, and the nearby candle.

"You do nothing but bring ruin and suffering…" Youmu frowns at me, her eyes low. "...I- I hate killing, but…"

"We're in the middle of the village." I argue. "Are you willing to allow innocent people around you to get hurt?" Even though there's almost no one else here but us.

Youmu's face steels. "What do you mean?"

...I nod idly. "Because if you attack, you may get other people caught in the crossfire."

"My blade is true." Youmu contests. "No one will know what happened."

...The shop vendor rose his hand. "Ya know, I'm right here y'know…"

Her gazes softens momentarily as she looks at him. "...I'll pay you."

He raises his arms in surrender. "Don't see nothing."

"I assure you, there's a better way to end this." I lean back against the counter again, sliding my hands into my pockets...

…

Turning and smoothly drawing my sliding scissors and Shadow Hell scissors, I propel myself towards the man-

 _Swish!_ Air is cut behind me.

"Hey!" The guy yells out as I slam into him, and I quickly slide left, forward, and right whilst holding him to spin around behind him, my flank slamming into the side of the stall to prevent me from going too far.

 _Swish!_ Youmu attempted another slash of her Roukanken. A bright, sea green wave of energy is left in the blade's trail, briefly illuminating the storefront.

... _Thoom._ The entire stall folds in on itself, and the shelf of tainted produce next to me falls apart in two uneven pieces.

Immediately, Youmu springs into the air with an inhuman leap, soaring right over me-

I part from the man I intended to take hostage- sliding backwards-

 _Woosh!_ Youmu's next slice whirls right past the guy's back, barely missing him and likely meant for me.

Shikome quickly sets Vanilla aside and begins to march around the still-standing shelf-

Soaring overhead, Youmu rotates herself to land against the wall of the house adjacent to the stall, before springboarding off and raising her youkai-forged katana into the air.

This telegraphy prompts me to slide _away_ from whatever she's doing.

She plummets into the floor, striking it with a downward thrust-

 _Thoom!_ A shockwave of sea green energy roars out, flinging both me and the vendor. "Huwoa~h!"

One of Shikome's tendrils whirls for her-

 _Kashink!_

Youmu spun around, her blade cleaving through the incoming tendril towards the end of her abrupt spin attack.

Shikome sends out two more, this time from different directions-

 _Kashink!_ A single wave of Youmu's blade hits them at just the right angle to make them come apart, the loose bits roaring past her at high speed.

Vanilla peeks out from behind the remaining shelf, staring into Youmu's eyes…

 _Fwi~sh!_

Youmu's ghost half generates before her face, protecting her vision before fading out again.

The guard to the side of Youmu raises his pike. "I am taking Mistress to jail!" Hustling, he charges towards Youmu-

 _Cla~ng!_ Youmu's blade parts his pike into two-

 _Bam!_ She kicks the guard in the chestplate, sending him sliding way out into the village square.

...Raising her leg, Shikome flicks her sandal off with a quick motion.

Youmu's gaze locks on her.

Shikome stomps the floor-

Youmu leaps-

 _Shi-shi-shink!_ Six tendrils erupt from the dirt under where Youmu was, extending outward to follow her.

She lands on the slanted roof of the collapsed stall, before springboarding off of that…

"What the _fuck's_ going on, here!?" A different guy starts to walk onto the scene.

Stopping mid-air, Youmu looks down at him with wide eyes, before turning away.

"Archers!" He yells, pointing at her. "Archers!" Looking behind himself and seeing no one, his temper seems to flare. "Son of a _bitch!_ "

Youmu quickly accelerates into the overcast sky, fleeing from the village.

...The guy rolls his head around, before spitting on the floor before himself. "Ghh~..."

...Looking over at us, he examines our party.

We stare back dryly.

The shop vendor starts to get off the floor. "...Is... is it over?"

Raising his hands, the long-haired guy that encountered us began to turn away, before focusing on us again. "Look. Not gonna ask why you're here, but if you don't get the hell out, literally the _entire_ village is gonna fall on you, and you're gonna fuckin' die. So do us all a favor."

With that, he begins power walking away.

…

"He~re come the arrows…" Rumia ruminates on the resistance we might encounter if we don't move.

Vanilla sighs. "They hate us now, don't they…? I didn't even do anything..."

I think that would've happened anyway, if only because the human village has a poor track record for not being stupid.

It is time to either get the hell out of here, or find somewhere to hide.

...

Idly, Shikome steps over to retrieve her sandal.

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

END OF CHAPTER 64.5

PROTAGONIST: Matthew, the Debatably Sane Outsider, Lord of Edges, Scissor-Slinging Slasher, Insurance Fraud Expert, Used Goods Reseller, Evil Spirit Cultivator, Shrine Maiden Evader, Professional Youkai Developer

PRIMARY WEAPON: Dash Scissors - Succubus training tool. Allows horizontal quick-dashes, for dodging and agility purposes. Doubles as scissors for kinky, cloth-cutting occasions. Or stabbing. Sleek, black design.

OFFHAND ITEMS: [A Single Rubber Glove] - For those moments one needs to touch a live power wire with one hand and fap with the other.

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - Takes up no inventory space, because it is the inventory space. Has nine slots, and is easily accessible.

Steel Scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Quick Scissorang - Non-elemental scissors that are enchanted to return to the owner with ferocity. Not that powerful of a weapon, but combined with strong string it can be used like a powerful grappling hook. Looks like it belongs in a Barbie catalog.

Shadow Hell Scissors - Fire elemental scissors. Ignites with every swing. Boosts power of fire spells. Forty percent fire resistance. Increases comfort when near fire. Allows user to cast Fire, Hellfire, Dark Fire, and Dark Fira.

Blessed Steel Scissors - Stained lightly with dried blood from a young human female. Sharp, shiny-ish, and to the point! Also blessed...

Steel-alloy String - An experimental item provided by Alice as part of her testing. She uses these herself to manage her dolls, or so I'm told.

A Tuft of Cloth Strings - Pink, regular cotton string. It's soft, and clean.

Danger Scissors Plus - Let's get dangerous. Randomly spawns anything from anywhere at any time at all, dependent on the power of the party or people around it while it is equipped.

(one more space remaining)

[Backpack] - Allows extended inventory, of twenty slots. Can hold larger items, but it takes longer to pull them out. Items inside are safer. It's also baby barf green.

Hedge Cutters - Rusty lawn pruning tool used by farmers to keep the vile hedges at bay. They're also sharp, so they've probably been used more than once in self-defense.

Teal Stone - Cool and refreshing to hold, exuding power of the wind. It's sort of shiny, too. Perhaps usable as a reagent.

Hackjob Rifle - A pseudo-railgun, made from an AK-47 barrel and a mangled toy gun. Laced with duct tape and wires to function, powered by electrical scissors, and uses small iron pellets as ammunition. Explodes violently if fed anything non-iron as ammo. Outside is coated with vegetable oil and must be wetted regularly to avoid violence upon powering up. Quite powerful.

Water Scissors - Scissors that continuously produce water. How troublesome. 

Goldfish Snack Crackers - They're smiling. They might make a good snack...

Modern-ish Surge Protector - Protects against surges. Not very useful without unified electrical practices in housing. Can still be used as a paperweight and a brick, though.

[Rubber Pouch] - Stores electrical objects safely. Too small to add extra inventory, but doesn't take up any space when it's filled. Currently holding electric scissors.

Electrical Scissors - Must be held by gloves at all times, lest they cause electrical fires. Can cause severe shocking and electricity-induced stunning in individuals susceptible, including myself if I'm stupid. Unable to be turned off.

Holy Pot - A torso-sized holy pot used as a vehicle by flufflekind. Has holy properties and resistances for obvious reasons.

(twelve more spaces remaining)

==o==

PARTY:

Shikome, the Black Scion of the Saigyou

WEAPON: Dark Tendrils - Able to create tendrils from any part of her body, she can use them for powerful dark/physical attacks.

INVENTORY:

[Defiled Kimono] - Coated in the coagulated blood of numerous unlucky people. Grants pockets.

(two inventory spaces remaining)

==o==

Rumia, Youkai of the Dusk

WEAPON: Unarmed.

INVENTORY:

[Rumia's Outfit] - Some kind of outfit. I'm not sure how Rumia maintains it. Properties unknown. Grants pockets.

Red Ribbon - It's a ribbon in her hair. It's small, too. Takes up no inventory space. Properties unknown.

(two inventory spaces remaining)

==o==

Vanilla, the Loli Vampire

WEAPON: Unarmed.

INVENTORY:

[Cloak] - A dull black cloak. No inventory space, but takes up none when worn.

==o==

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

this was a fun chapter - w - a little dreary and slow but also y'know i pride myself in the visuals and descriptions here yo

a grim reminder that shikome is not a nice person and rumia thinks people are tasty - w -

i've also been thinkin' 'bout that review that critiqued my lack 'a~... additional plot elements in the prior segments 'a the story… and he's not wrong - w - it really coulda used more plot for what it was

still i don't think it's _bad_ and it is what it is (unless we go way back then yeah i admit it it's bad XD). part of this fic's kinda been the whole free roaming slice-a-lifey nature, although he's right in that things have gotten a little repetitive, i've felt it myself too, such is why the previous batch was kinda leading into some new elements (outside 'a obviously brittany)

so yeah i got some plans and there'll be some running themes comin' shortly my boys - w -

at the same time i do want'cha to realize this whole thing's more about the journey than the destination; i think the complaint was moreso the repetition of the fights, which is both something i should be dealin' with but also a _little_ unavoidable considering what i've done with the setting… so to keep them unique i should just lower encounter frequency and that should be that really

...that and cut down on the OVER AMBITIOUS FIGHTS, I'M KINDA A GLUTTON FOR PUNISHMENT IN THAT REGARD

after the time i've put in though i'm startin' to get better feels for what fights're good and what fights're not so good, what goes well (meaningful conflict per fight) and what doesn't go well (enemy spamming cure, prolonging statuses, or other such BS just because i think they're neat spells and not because they actually make the fight more interesting XD)

so yeah - w - seriously though big props ta him for speakin' up, every little swing 'a valid criticism matters my boys, and it if ain't valid it don't do me no harm, so step up to the plate…! i do appreciate praise anyway though since it at least tells me people are listening with conviction a bit better and helps me gauge my audience a little more comprehensively, as well as things people like worth mentioning

hoh

on that note i was a slight skittish that the skirmish with remilia in the start would look like me immediately contradicting myself but y'know it was short and got cut into by a _buddhist gangster_

 _oh yeah_ that weird creature that showed up that we never talked about- that was Harrow from _Warframe_. - w -

vanilla is also from _somewhere_ but honh - w -

after reproofing this, it's not quite so dreary and slow as i had anticipated .w.

wahaha

as always, see you all next time!

==o==

CO AUTHOR'S NOTE:

dreary and slow yo

not having as much combat is slow and depressing

but in all seriousness this chapter was indeed fun, although i feel like it's got a couple flaws with it. they're really just minor gripes of mine, so no one else may notice. which is why i won't tell ya, wahaha

my own perspective on the combat is just that he should stop focusing so much on it because he's really ramped it up recently without any serious conflict behind it.

i've never been fond of excessive combat in stories in general, which is accentuated in a literary format, 'cause you have to be really good at fighting scenes to properly convey the meaning and emotions behind it. this can go two ways of being super serious or not serious at all. at the moment i see the combat as something in-between, as it's started to lack humor but isn't really becoming serious either- which is better that way. entirely subjective, but all criticism runs on the basis of subjectivity, and no one should be afraid to share it

if you feel the story is starting to run dry due to the humor running thin, there are going to be more plot elements later on, if they aren't apparent already anyway

the tvtropes article may be incomplete and done by _one person_ (not one of us for obvious reasons) but i've seen it and just wanna say shikome isn't really a clingy jealous girl, just really hates succubi. yeah that's all i wanted to say. it would be nice if more people helped, just 'cause it'd be fun to see what tropes other people discover. the discovery of tropes can be sorta subjective too, so it'd be interesting to see various people's perspectives of them as well

also shikome is cuddly- with purpose- even if she isn't exactly how i envisioned due to circumstances. writefag's writing tends to do that.

kill count of 17. it probably doesn't even look like it, but apparently she's managed to kill 17 things so far. now that's a record


	86. Robot Rebel Ranch: Really Ripe Ruiners!

(in which we stumble and mumble)

…

Aa~h.

This wake up's rather slow 'n' stiff. What, did I go to sleep in a freakin' trash compactor…?

I look to my left, and see Genkan next to me.

"This bed is tiny." She complains, before shifting a little, staring at me with an unclear but droll expression. "I keep slipping…"

Woah. What the fuck did I do last night?

Looking to my right, I see Ha-chan next to me, snoozin'.

Oh, right. I took a nap, 'cause it was cold, and wet, and _sad_. I wonder if it's still cold and wet and sad...

"Ho~h…" Despite my stiffness and how awkward sleeping in all the cloth possible feels, this actually… feels really good. I think it's 'cause of Genkan's molestation magic bullshit… that, and her breasts are close to me- alright up and at 'em...

I try to sit up, but my arm's somewhere amongst Genkan, and my other arm's pretty much just under Ha-chan entirely.

Whelp. Nnn. Am stuck. Maybe I should just… nap again.

...The door to the room creaks open, and Sekibanki pops in. She almost turns around and leaves, but she sees me lift my head to look at her.

"Oh." She stares at me idly. Aw, hello…

"Yo." I greet her. I'd ask her if she wants to jump in, but I don't wanna try my luck…!

"Some guards came by earlier." Seki informed me bluntly. "...Different ones, and they felt awkward walking in on sleeping people. They left pretty quickly."

Huh. Went better than anticipated...

...Still trapped!

Facing Genkan, I give her a helpless smile. Maybe if I focus on her hard enough, my intent will be expressed…!

...She notices my stare. Only after a moment does she comment, though. "I suppose there _is_ something to be said about embracing another. Clunky and suffocating."

I snort. "The cold actually makes it a lot more bearable. S'like I'm under just the right amount 'a blankets…" I wouldn't mind spending the rest of the day like this. My limbs'll probably get tired of bein' freakin' squished though...

Genkan's eyebrows rose. "This can be even more suffocating?"

...Y'know. "Aren't you the person who hugs people to death for a living?"

"That's different." She states plainly. "I feed off their warmth. It relaxes me, it makes me feel good. Being assaulted by my own clothes and these cloth blankets is a different matter."

...I wonder. She probably doesn't feel the cold she emanates from herself, does she? Since her body temperature is naturally stupid low, everything warmer than her must feel… weird, including air temperatures until she's cooled them. Man, thermodynamics combined with RPG mechanics and supernatural biology is some weird shit!

"What is it like to emanate heat?" Her thoughts're similar, but in a different direction! "...Although, I suppose you wouldn't know, as you don't seem to do it on a regular basis."

"...I got no idea how to express it." I admit. "How do ya teach a blind person colors?"

"...Hmm." At that, Genkan drops it. "It's different, but… I suppose it wouldn't be easy to articulate."

I'd have to describe from her point of view what it'd be like to have my level of heat… and that's just a few too many levels of meta thinking, son! I wasn't built fer that shit!

"Maa~u…" Ha-chan's wakin' up!

Sekibanki steps back into the room. I didn't notice her slip out earlier 'cause I was chattin' up Genkan. "You were out for only a couple hours, by the way."

Yeah, considering how much of a freakin' pile we are, that'd figure. This would probably be better if we were naked, but outside of the fact _I'd_ probably take forever to get to sleep, without my clothes on Genkan'd freakin' give me a cold or somethin'...

…

Stepping over to the corner of the room, Sekibanki takes a brown blanket off of London. Oh, shit, I forgot I left 'er there! Hu~h. Musta been how she kept the guards from eatin' shit when they stopped by.

Sekibanki trots over to us, and splays the blanket over the blanket already on us. "By the way, get out of my house. I wanna nap, too."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...I'm in monk robes, Ha-chan's got a blanket over her like a shady ass cloak, and Genkan's still in her red kimono. We're… less conspicuous? Maybe? Hey man, if we ain't youkai, it don't matter what kinda fucked up shit we're into!

We're in the dreary streets, now. Guards are stationed every so often in pairs of two along the sides of the road, although with the current sum 'a civilians on the streets, my unorthodox-but-not-out-of-place party doesn't get much more than passin' glances…

"Why do they ignore us _now?_ " Genkan speaks to me as we pass down the road… "We're more suspicious than before. You've dressed your fairy up rather blatantly like a criminal."

I pat my monk robes. "I 'unno. I guess a monk and a kimono chick even it out. I doubt any 'a them wanna beef with the temple guys right now, either." Freakin' village, yo.

…

"What kind of verb is 'beef'?" Genkan questions my turn of phrase! Aaa~h!

I grin at her. "The good kind, yo…!"

Anyway, we're heading towards the Kirisame drug- I mean healing item store! I still got some spare cash, and I kinda feel like seeing if there're some good potions to spend 'em on. I mean, I still got plenty 'a basic ones, but maybe a Mega Potion and some whacky souvenirs might be nice…

That, and he might know something about this guard situation. Like no seriously, what the fuck is this place's political situation? I may not get in on the imminent skullfucking that will befall the new commando man, but I do wanna kinda know what's going down at this point…

Especially since I don't plan on goin' back home, and this is the only place that has less than a fifty percent chance to maul me!

After some treadin' down a main road, we reach the Kirisame shop…

"Let's head there, yo." I point over at it. "It's a fun place."

Genkan raises a brow. "Why? I want to leave this place as soon as possible."

Woah, really? I mean, I guess that'd figure, but for some reason that caught me off guard. Enh.

"...It's got knick knacks and paddy whacks." I justify my decision... "Souvenirs and cheap trinkets, yo."

"...I see." She's not unopposed!

...Ha-chan looks very smug inside of her shady cloak, for some reason. Y'know, It's probably a lot warmer than goin' without, if only 'cause it regulates how much cold air molests ya. I say this because it's a _really_ cheap blanket, and you wouldn't _think_ it helps…

After pacing down the road enough, we reach the Kirisame magic shop.

Di-di~ng! The door's bell dings and stuff when I open it!

...Inside, Kirisame looks at my approaching party, before grinning. "You plannin' a birthday party?"

"We're starting a war with ancient egyptians." I reply truthfully. "...We came to window shop, yo."

He snorts. "A'right. Just, uh…" He looks over at my cloaked fairy friend. "Who's he?"

...I turn to Ha-chan. "Unveil, friend."

Ha-chan takes her cloak off in one fell swoop and spreads her wings. "I'm a fairy, now!" Wahaha!

...Kirisame just blinks at her, before nodding it off. "For a second there, I thought y'brought in a filthy bum. The shit ya gotta do to get around the village these days, right?"

I _kno~w_ … and speakin' of that… "What's goin' on with the guards, anyway?"

...Ha-chan starts to meander into the shelves behind me, and Genkan idly turns to follow her.

"They got anotha' guy." Kirisame grinned widely. "...I don't even know _who_. Just anotha' guy!"

Anotha' guy. Last guy died? Oh- whelp, just, anotha' guy. Throw in anotha' guy.

"That's… great." I nod in acknowledgement… Oh, that reminds me. "Yo, you got any Mega Potions?" How much did they cost again?

He shrugs, giving me a big grin. "Fre~sh out."

How in the nine fucks do you sell out of Mega Potions. "...Wat. How?"

"Some weirdo came in the other day and bought out the whole stock." Kirisame was _super_ smug. "Looked like a guard, though."

Huh. "...Is it the new guy?"

Kirisame rolls his eyes. "Pfft. Yeah, like they'd hire a guy who does things himself. Pro'lly not."

...Aa~h.

"Ooo~!" ...Ha-chan's voice comes from the shelves, somewhere.

"...I would not recommend touching that." Genkan's got my back, yo. "It looks improper." What?

...Curious, I meander down the store's dimly lit shelves after them.

Genkan seems to have picked up some white and blue paper fans, befitting of her appearance although not the kimono she's got on as of this moment. Ha-chan's looking at a-...

"It's rubbery, though." She waves the _toy_ around. "It looks fun."

"...I suppose." Genkan looks away, then notices me. "Ah."

Kirisame, why do you stock dildos. And don'cha dare tell me they're _magic missiles…!_

Unfurling a fan, Genkan holds it before her face. "...You may want to put that down." She advises Ha-chan.

She just blinks in response. "Why?"

...Steppin' up to her, I take the dildo out of her hands and place it on the shelf. "No, yo."

"But why…?" She's still confused!

I answer her question…! "It's a vagina _smashing_ device."

...Ha-chan looks down at herself, before bringing her legs together. "I don't wanna get smashed…"

...Genkan's just becoming progressively more baffled looking!

Someone walks up to us! Noticing what we're doin', they instantly turn away. "Oh- sorry sorry, I didn't know you were looking at- I'll be going…"

I turn to look at the person who came up ta us. She's a girl with short, cream-colored hair.

"Nah, yo, it's cool!" I call out to her! "We were just considering shoving a _missile_ up my _ass_."

...She looks over at me with an expression similar to Genkan's. It's a score attack kinda day, son!

Wait, hold up.

...I've seen her before. Yeah.

"You~..." I point at her. "You ran that bar next to the Golden Grin, didn'cha? Me and the freakin'... _yama_ visited ya." She sold buckets with fluffles in them. They were wet, and dusty...

She recoils slightly, before settling for lookin' awkward. "Oh- aah… yeah. Um…" Looking away, she seems to shrink back. Then, she retreats. Aw…

...Looking back at Genkan, I see she looks unimpressed.

...I shrug at he~r?

"Elegant conversation." Genkan reveals the topic!

With a snort, I start to make towards the front 'a the store again. "Yeah, yo. Master 'a words. People need to know, yo, my ass is a missile-free zone."

Genkan snorts. "Just… I see." She wanted to reply yo, but she _couldn't!_ Wahaha!

...Gettin' to the front of the store, I see her lag behind me, before she moves to pull Ha-chan from marchin' deeper into the shelves…

Ex-bartender girl was now behind the counter with Kirisame, chattin'. Ooh, she works here?

"...I know you can't pay me." She looks down at the counter, before locking eyes with him again.

"Ah, those ol' farts can suck it." Kirisame speaks ill of his own kind…! "You're a nice kid. Ain't no reason they should be on ya like they are." Looking down, he reaches into his pockets...

She gives him a sedate smile. "It's okay. You don't really need to give me anything. I couldn't keep it anyway. They'd just wind up getting two of my paycheck..."

...Glancing back up, Kirisame smiles at her. "Well…" Turning away from her, he holds out a small pouch of money towards her with his arm. "No one'll bat an eye if the money goes _missin'_ , right? Those ol' wind bags certainly won't."

...The girl blinks at him. "Whah…? Mister Ki-Kirisame, I can't-"

"Ohp- oh there it goes!" Kirisame drops the money on the counter next to her. "Aw~ darn. I wonder _where_ I could've put my money…" He pretends to search the opposite end of the counter, grinning widely.

...After a brief moment, she takes the money and pockets it quickly.

...Turning back towards her, Kirisame scratches his head. "Guess I lost it, huh?"

"Lost what?" She smiles back at him.

"Hah!" Nodding, he goes back to standing at the desk regularly. "Atta girl."

...Once she looks away, she seems to deflate again, her expression defaulting to a focused one.

Kirisame looks over at me, and she does too. The girl locks up. "Um- mister Kirisame, he-"

"Ah, he don't care none." Kirisame waves off what I just witnessed. "Guy ain't even in the village half the time. Don't let those monk robes fool ya, he comes in in a different outfit every time."

...The girl blinks at me. "Huh."

"Yeah, yo." Can confirm! "Professional _stuff_ doer, 'cept I don't do stuff!"

...Genkan floats out from the shelves, holding Ha-chan by the arms.

Ha-chan had a buncha metal triangles around her right arm, for some reason. "Aww~..."

Neither the girl nor Kirisame bat an eye at my company. Cool yo, cool.

"So…" I place my arms on the desk. "Yer outta Mega Potions. Got any Panaceas?"

Kirisame furrows his brows. "...I could _make_ some. I don't usually stock any 'cause y'know, who gives a shit about curing their status? Answer should be 'everyone', answer turns out ta be 'no one'. Who'd 'a thunk it?"

Aw, good.

The girl stares at me curiously. "...What do you need Mega Potions and Panaceas for?"

"The _war_." I tell her, lifting an arm and flexing my non-existent muscle. "Livin' life means fightin' _wa~r!_ "

...She speculates! "You're one of those youkai hunters the village hires, right?"

I shake my head. "Nah, yo, just a freak." ...Well, I _technically_ have that badge- wait… oh, right. That samurai girl took it, didn't she? Or did she? I should record my shit on a piece 'a paper some day.

...She looks away. "Well, I wasn't gonna say anything, but…" Honh. Hard reads, yo. "Are you looking into the robots?"

Oh, boy. 'The robots'. So you mean they're an issue, now. "Nah, but I ran inta some on the way here. Fairy-lookin' assholes, yeah?"

"Mmm…" She nods casually. "They found a guard who lost all his bones at the eastern gate. I heard the clean up was bad…" Bad, huh. Yeah.

As it turns out, that was not the robots' fault! That was a, uh, _deboning_ youkai. And I do indeed imagine the clean up was awful, because _holy shit_. Ma~n. Does anyone sell brain bleach? Here I thought I'd seen everything- like _legit_ thought I was as jaded as freakin' possible, especially after that time Shikome gibbed that dancer girl, but _nope_. Christ.

Kirisame grins at me. "You gonna do anythin' about this robot business? Saw you kickin' around with Reimu and some buddies before, and it looks like you're aimin' to do it again." He gestures to my nugget company.

Uu~h…? I wasn't plannin' on it, but-

"You-..." The girl speaks up, before stopping herself and looking away. Aw, yo...

Holding up his arms, Kirisame gives a confession. "Legitimately, I dunno what's going on with the robot scene. Some sources're tellin' me that the walls've gotten a hell raisin' past couple days, and if ya saw a bunch on the way here, that kinda seals it..."

I raise a brow. "Sources?"

"Scrying spells." He clarifies dryly. "Lemme sound _cool_ , will ya?"

Oof. I shattered his dreams…!

"We've seen one within the village." Genkan is now in the conversation, and not just observing! "It was in a trash can, which it took control of to attack us." ...Somethin' like that!

Brows furrowing, Kirisame's eyes shot to her. "They're _in_ the village?"

The girl froze. Genkan freezes people both literally _and_ metaphorically!

She nods. "Indeed."

…

"Oh, shit." Kirisame leans against the desk. "Uh oh. Whelp, you're not leavin' today, Maria." _Maria?_ So that's her name… and it's dangerously close to 'Marisa'. Personalities are a sharp contrast, though!

...Maria actually seems disappointed, for some reason. Despite this, she doesn't seem to wanna say nothin'.

Ha-chan's let go by Genkan, and steps up to the desk. Quickly, she slides her sleeve of metal triangles off-

Ding-clank-clang! They clatter on the desk.

...Kirisame just stares at her in a semi-jaded manner, before looking at me.

I mouth 'just one' to him. Also, 'what are they'.

Picking one up, he runs his finger through it like he's playing the triangle. Oh, so they're just crappy metal triangles…! "Like, three hundred yen." He gives me a price for one. Looking over at Ha-chan, he gives her a level but not unfriendly stare. "Just _one_ , though."

"Aww~… okay." Ha-chan settles for it.

"These, too." Genkan places her new fans on the counter. "They interest me."

"I would hope." Kirisame jests. "One thousand yen." For paper fans?

Walking up, I look down at 'em… oh. They're actually cloth, huh. Goes to show my observancy…

Genkan starts to reach into her pockets, but I step up to the plate! "I'll buy 'em for ya, yo."

She looks over at me, before ceasing retrieving her own money. Less spectacular of a response than I hoped for, but it's realistic!

A~nd one thousand three hundred yen, gone! S'a small price to pay for party member love, son.

"Tha~nk you!" He takes the money gladly, before turning to Maria. "See? Already paid it back in full!" ...How _tiny's_ her paycheck? "By the way, catch." He tosses the money over to her.

She barely catches it, eyes widening. "Wh- really...?"

"Yeah, really." He waves it off. "I make like fifty times that every time I sell a single elixir."

...Blinking, she tries to be in disbelief again. "Mister Kirisame-"

"Just call me _Marcus_ , already." He amends! "I ain't yer _dad_. Y'don't _want_ me t'be your dad! Just ask Marisa...!"

Maria snorts, before looking away again. "Marisa…" Ooh, she knows 'er? Hoh.

Ha-chan stares at her new triangle, before charging it with electrical energy. "Hehehe~!" Ooo~...

Genkan lifts her fans, opening them a few times experimentally.

…

Fluffy days, dude. With that done, I look at Kirisame. "Make a batch 'a Panaceas for me fer next time, a'ight?"

He nods, smiling. "Will do!"

With that, I move for the door. Beat up the robots, huh? Hmm. Sounds more like a job for-

"Wait!" Maria calls out for me while I'm halfway through the door!

...Me and my party look back at her, and Kirisame looks over at 'er too.

"You guys…" She's got an arm held out towards us, which she's slowly lowering. "You're going, right? After the robots?"

Well the funny thing is that-

"I want to come with you." Maria asserts herself.

...Oh!

Genkan rotates to face her fully. "All things considered, I highly doubt one such as yourself has the capability to travel safely across the plains at this time."

"That's why I want to go with you…!" Maria moves around the desk to get closer to us. "I- I… I want to leave the village."

"...I say this for your safety." Genkan reaffirms herself. "Do not travel with us."

"Sc-... _scre~w_ safety!" Maria yells! "I wa- want to go!"

...Genkan turns away from her. "If you so desire."

Steppin' out to her, I get on the case! "Y' _su~re_ you wanna roll with us?"

I normally wouldn't ask it, but Genkan got me thinkin'... that, and I don't think I know where to begin with stopping the robots! "I mean… I dunno what life inside the village is li~ke, but-"

"I ha- hate it." Maria blurts out. She glances at Kirisame. "No offense… Ma- _Marcus_. Working at the shop's been the most fun I've had in awhile. But I… I can't _stand_ staying here. In- in the village."

...Kirisame just blinked at her. "The _most_ fun ya've had? Until today ya've only spoke…" He stops to consider this. "About a sentence ta me. And that was over a _week_..."

Maria smiles at him, despite her nervousness. "You- you were kind to me. I was able to keep to myself, and just… think, for awhile. I- I don't have to worry, when I'm here."

...Kirisame takes this information in silence and raised brows.

"I don't... want to go back. I need to move on..." Shaking her head, Maria approaches me. "I don't care what you think of me. I- I can do some magic! Just, please…"

Well, when you put it like _that_ , how am I supposed to say _no?_ Aah, whatever. If she gets beat up I can just put my _seven health potions_ to good use.

"Alright, yo." I exhale, lookin' her over. "Robot rebel ranch it is, yo."

She's got a rather plain outfit on at the moment, with a long maroon skirt and a basic beige shirt, which has some holes and scratch marks about it, as well as _dirt_. Body-wise, she's petite and a little stout… how old's she supposed to be again? I'm guessin' mid-teens…

Again, cream hair. As for how it looks though, it's bowl cut and down past her ears, but her bangs are cut short to reveal her eyes 'n' brows.

...After a moment of staring at me, she sprints for the back room. "Let me ah- get my things!"

...Genkan stares at me drolly.

I grin at her. "Ey, yo. S'her decision. I'll have an eye out for her, anyway. I got health potions up the _ass._ "

"...I wouldn't be surprised. It's likely where that bag of yours goes to." Genkan jeers. Chill~, yo…!

…

I look over at Kirisame, ta see what he's thinkin'...

He's starin' back at me, smiling. Hoh! Just ta confirm though… "You cool with this?"

"Mmm." He nods. "It's high time she did something for herself. No good to keep kids all cooped up. We all know how _that_ goes…"

...I assume he's talkin' about Marisa! I dunno her family history and she'd be the last person ta tell me shit. I ain't gonna pry Kirisame 'bout it, though, 'cause it ain't none 'a my _beeswax_.

Also- I almost wanted to debate the 'keeping kids cooped up' thing, but I remembered this world has no computers. In that case, get me the hell outta the house! That, or a bookshelf… of _interesting_ reads. I've had enough Great Gatsby for one lifetime…!

Maria reappears! Walkin' from the back room, she's now got a little raggedy lookin' travel bag around her waist and a rather plain, rugged wood staff.

...She notices my examining stare. "Tha- thank you again…" Hoh. This level of humanity from someone's kinda a freakin' shock ta me. Like, we got the insano guard patrol, the lunatic vendors… and then we got this half-traumatized lass here. I mean, Renko and Merry were human, but my surprise is moreso that I'm finding sanity naturally within the village walls.

Grinning, I turn for the door. "Let's get a move on, yo. We're gonna~… fight robots, or something!" I do not know where to take us yet!

"Yea~h!" Ha-chan cheers! Now that I think about it, her electricity should come in pretty handy. Robots are either _weak to_ or _healed by_ electricity, if I recall correctly. So she'll either be a saint or a sinner!

"...I suppose I'll assist you." Genkan renews her subscription to Fluffnugget Mania. "If only for my peace of mind. I do not rest in a structure safe from robotic entities, if they are able to withstand cold."

"I'll... do my best." Maria holds up her wood staff, clutching it tightly.

Alright, yo! Let's get this show on the road!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The show's on the road, son. We're moving to- according to Maria- the east gate, which is also the gate that leads to the Hakurei path and all that.

Ha-chan's back in her cloak 'cause town guard. Shady thief person? A~ okay! Fairy maid? Woah no!

"Truth be told…" Genkan makes a confession. "I've nothing better to do, and… excess lounging does bring its own woes. That elder human was not wrong in stating it's good to get out."

Grass is always greener, innit? I'm always in a flux of wanting to relax and wanting to go batshit on life. It's a feeling that _should_ result in indecision and gridlock, but surprisingly doesn't!

"I got locked in a small room once." Ha-chan admitted. "I died." Freakin'...

"Splendid…" Genkan's trying hard not to smile at that…!

...We're heading towards the east gate for a reason, by the way! After some thinking, I thought about that whole 'Code-chan' name that got dropped earlier back at the mansion. Maybe that was supposed to be a stupid easy clue as to who was doin' this.

…

Maria's quiet, I've noticed. Let's engage in conversation, yo…

"Hello, world!" Flailing wildly in a verbal fashion!

...Maria looks over at me. Hoh.

Okay, my brain's caught up with me. I wanna sa~y… "What kinda spells can ya do, yo?"

"Oh…" She blinks, before taking a moment to find words herself. "Um… some spells? Fire, th-thunder, ice… or- or so. Yeah."

That's about as dynamic as my entire team combined! I've got earth and fire stuff, Genkan is ice times ten, and Ha-chan is a dash of thunder. I've also got water and _bomb_ stuff, among other things.

I nod casually. "Coo~l, yo…"

"What do you guys do?" Maria's curious as to our class orientation!

"I'm fun..." Ha-chan is fun class.

...Genkan looks over at me, but since I don't do anything she looks back at Maria and continues. "I am a yuki-onna."

Maria blinks. "...A- a yuki-onna? Don't you kill people...?"

"In _self-defense_." Genkan stresses sternly. "I'm not of a race of _murderers_ , like your kind."

Maria briefly recoils at that, before silently accepting that fact and relaxing.

...I still wanna bring up that yuki-onna who walked up to me, flashed me, and tried to eat me. I~ don't know about you, but freakin'...!

...Oh, yeah, Maria's lookin' at me.

"I'm joker class, yo." I point at myself with my thumb! "I protect, but I also attack. And above that, I carry a _million_ healing items."

Maria blinks. "...Oh. Um, I also brought some stuff, too." She holds up her travel bag, and flips it open. "...Some bread me and mom used to make together. Um- some ethers, some potions, an elixir… water."

An _elixir?_ Dude, we have so many healing items, we could walk into a firing line and be fine and still have shit to spare. Well, Ha-chan'd explode, but still.

Also- she brought _survival items_. Amount of times I've taken a swig of water onscreen in this story: _zero_. By all means, I should be dead by now! Maybe health potions heal those motives… I mean, they're _liquid_. Even if they make you vacate your stomach sometimes.

"Water…" Genkan considered her inventory. "You know, if we melted my ice, we'd have water as far as our mana pools could produce."

Oh, yeah, I can make water too. Wa~ter hange~r!

"Oh…" Maria nods at this. "Oh well. It figures you're well prepared..."

Aw, baby girl, you dunno how ill-prepared we really are! Having a certified and licensed yuki-onna on our team's a good buffer, though.

...By the way, it is _chilly_.

As we approach the eastern gate, I stop. "Hold up, friends."

The friends hold up rather fluffily…

"I gotta go throw on my not-dying outfit." I inform them, walking for a nearby alley. "It's cold…!"

Puzzled, Genkan stares at me quizzically. "Cold? You?"

"Yeah, yo." I look at her. "The secret's in the strings…!"

...Genkan has a look of worldly revelation. She's catchin' on, yo.

...After some moments of fumbling around behind a nearby dumpster-

Freakin', Genkan approaches my dumpster as I'm changing. "Your ice affinity… is from clothing?"

Freakin'... "Yeah, yo." I just got my monk robes off! Gimme a moment-

Suddenly closer, she bends over in examination as I start to get my camou-kimono on. Uu~h...

I pause in just my freakin' undies. "Here I thought I was the pervert, yo…!"

She looks up at me. "...Oh. This does look questionable, doesn't it?" To remedy this, she turns around, still bent over. "Let me know when you're fine."

...This view you gave me, it don't help. You may've turned around, but now I can see your yuki- _ass._ Eeh, take what you can get yo...

Ah, there we go. No more chills! Once you get enough of it on, the effect kicks in.

Turning back around, she watches me get the final bits on. "...It's indeed enchanted, but by the magical signatures I can ascertain, it should be producing heat." She makes a deduction of my attire. "Not denying the production of it or granting the wearer curious biology…"

Then, she drifts up to me, and slips an arm through one of the holes before I properly get to it. This action leaves her hair in my face, which smells like _cold_. Freakin'... not helping out the hormone situation!

Quickly, she takes the arm back out, brows furrowed. "That feels peculiar."

Yeah, I bet it does. With a fixed grin, I adjust my 'camouno' to be properly equipped… "Does it?"

"...For some reason, it makes my arm tingle when it is inside." Staring at her sleeved arm, she looks it over, as if searching for any further irregularities. "Not in an unfavorable way... though it would drive me mad were it persistent. How do you fare it?"

"I _don't_ tingle, yo." I clarify, moving outta the alley towards the friends again. "It just keeps me from bein' cold."

...With that, Genkan follows me. "Curious." Ho ho…

We reach the friends!

"What…" Aw. It's Maria's turn to be baffled by the fun kimono. "What are you _wearing?_ "

"I dunno." I let my arms ragdoll. "Help."

...Brows furrowing, Maria examines it. "It's... a kimono?"

Yo ho ho! She has now answered her own question!

"I understand how it could fool someone." Genkan defends Maria. "It is an eyesore."

Smirkin' at her, I reply…! "S'good for _hidin'_ , though, yo."

"Youkai use more senses than sight to detect humans." Genkan demolishes my argument. "...Additionally, I don't think your _piercingly_ yellow helmet hides you in any environment."

...I wave a finger in the air. "S'a good point. That is a _good point_... and s'well made…!"

Genkan just gives me a dry stare. Hehe~!

...We come up on the gate that gets us the hell outta here. There doesn't seem to be an interior guard, but there _is_ a guy on the outside.

Stepping up to the gate, I almost call out for him…

"He~y...!" Maria beats me to it.

Snapping to attention, the guard looks over at us.

"Aa- ah…" Maria clams up once she meets his gaze, but continues. "We'd, um, like to go out."

...The guard seems to slouch melodramatically. "Here I am, busting my _balls_ , and you morons want to just walk out into the slaughter, huh?"

"We- we're…" Maria builds steam…! "We're going to solve the incident." There we go! Affirmative action!

And hold up, incident? Says who? I thought this was just a random event…!

Scoffing, the guard almost turns away, before locking his eyes on me. "...Yeah. Two chicks, a thief, and a _youkai_."

"I'm gonna stea~l...!" Ha-chan waves her arms about like a pretend ghost. "Ooo~...!"

"He- he's not." Maria defends me. "My… my name is Maria Yamada, and-"

The guard snaps to attention once again. " _Maria?_ "

Maria cringes. "...Ye- yes?"

"We had explicit orders to _not_ let you out of the village." Alright, guard person, you're in for it now…! "Who are these people? Where are your parents?"

"No…" Maria backs up, before turning to us. "I- I'm sorry, I-"

I step forward… only to almost walk into the gate so I have to step back. "Don't worry, yo. We _got_ this shit."

The guard moves for the gate reel. "I'm gonna open this up. If you run, I'll find you." Oo~h, we ain't plannin' on runnin', boy!

Lookin' over at Genkan, I give her a smug smile.

...She allows herself a small smile. This ain't gonna last long, yo.

The gate creaks open.

Stepping inside, the guard points his pike at us. "Alright. Place your things on the ground. Possessions aren't allowed in the-"

 _Kri-kra-krack!_ With a wave of her fan, Genkan does that recurring attack where a snowflake generates in your target and spins.

"Wh-...!?" The guard raises his pike defensively, whipping his head around as the snowflake does its magic, and-

 _Fwash!_ Guardsicle. He's a _block_ , dude!

"Uhm…" Maria blinks. "...Will he be okay?"

"Probably!" ...May've been doing his job, but I don't particularly care! "Let's get a move on, yo!"

…

I do a jazzy strut up to the guardsicle, and get in his face as close as I can. "Where're your parents, _son?_ "

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Foggy as fu~ck, dude. Outside the village it's like ten times less draw distance. Blind mode but with a whitish coloration to it. I got my helmet on and visor down, so I feel like a freakin' astronaut. If only I was _really_ an astronaut right now, yo…!

"It feels nice out…" Genkan exhales, looking pleased. "Is the kiss of fog on your skin not excellent?"

I don't feel shit…!

"It's kinda chilly…" Ha-chan's less vigorous about it.

...Maria just quietly hugs herself, her posture awkward because of her wooden staff that's like the size of her.

...After a moment of non-responses and Ha-chan's less than enthused response, Genkan snorts. "I suppose that would figure. Why haven't you simply prepared like…'Brad', over here?" When'd she get my name…? Ha-chan musta dropped it at some point, I think.

"I can't afford more clothes. Couldn't, rather..." Maria fidgets a little, giving us glances as we advance. "My, um… people I live with also don't really buy me any."

"...Oh." Genkan chills out. Ha ha… ha? "My apologies. It is unfortunate that your kind value property over propriety." Dayum, nevermind, maybe she ain't chill…!

We reach the Hakurei Shrine steps.

At the bottom of them, there's a layer of smashed robots, and bright, colorful fluids are smeared across both the steps and the ground all before us.

Vuu~m. From somewhere nearby, there's a low, spaceship-esque hum, but I can't tell from where.

That reminds me. "How ya know this's an incident?" I question Maria!

She looks over at me. "...You… don't? The dragon statue in the village, its eyes were red. It can't be anything but."

...Oh, yeah. That was a thing. I completely forgot. Well, if the freakin' hood ornament says so.

…

Vuu~m. Low hu~m...

"Where is that freakin' humming coming from?" I look around…! My party looks around too, but we don't see much!

"We… might want to move." Maria advises. "It's not safe like this…"

I snort. "Unsafe's my maiden name, yo…" With that, I carefully step past the pool of probably poisonous puddles before the shrine steps. Unsafe I may be, stupid I am not! Or so I'd hope…!

Genkan and Ha-chan just drift over it, and Maria follows me around…

"This… 'Data-chan'." Genkan is reluctant to address our suspect with buddy terms! "You say she's a… fairy maid?"

I nod. "Yeah, basically. Only heard the name." Code-chan or Data-chan? Ah, whatever. Similar four letter names!

...Dryly, Genkan looks over at Ha-chan.

Ha-chan's slowly turning back towards the colorful puddles as she lands next to me…

I grin at Genkan. "Hey, yo. Not all fairies are created equal…!"

"I'm sure." Folding her arms, Genkan drifts further ahead a little…

...Maria cautions the fairy friend. "Don't touch that stuff."

Ha-chan pouts, almost leaning over the stuff. "But… it's colorful."

"It's not natural…" Frowning, Maria steps back towards me. "You don't know what it could do."

...Ha-chan looks back at the puddle.

I give my words! "It's _bone_ hurting juice, yo."

"Ooo…!" Ha-chan leaps away from it! "I like my bones!"

...Turnin' to Maria, I grin. "See, yo. Ya just gotta be a little… creative!" I give her advice on how to tell Ha-chan to not die sometimes!

...Maria just blinks. "Ah…"

So, yeah, foggy path. Once we leave the Hakurei Shrine steps, the spaceship-like humming fades out.

Man, it's quiet. Usually I'd get jumped by wolf dudes or fairies or something. I don't even hear things going on outside 'a our little bubble of vision. No birds, no bugs… no rustling of freakin' noobs.

...It's not long before we reach the Misty Lake. There're two figures standing by the shore, holding hands. Oka~y.

"Hey, look." I point at them. "Not suspicious people standing by the eerily quiet lake."

"Well…" Maria holds her right arm with her left arm. "Ye- yeah. I guess they look a little weird."

...Genkan shakes her head. "You two jump to conclusions. I suppose you cannot help it."

"I jump on conclusions!" Ha-chan contributes! "...I _am_ a conclusion!" Hoo~h…!

"Allow me." Genkan drifts up to them. Deja vu~!

Should I ready for battle…? Na~h. Genkan's got this, she's a freakin' ice woman of death.

...Once she reaches them, she speaks. "Excuse me."

Stepping a little closer, I get a better look at the noobs. Fairy wings! Oo~h yep, these are _very_ likely robots.

"Excuse me." Genkan reaffirms herself, but the robots don't seem ta be listening… 'cause they's _robots!_

...Once again, with _force!_ " _You two._ "

...A blue-haired fairy friend begins to turn around. As it does, the expected result is revealed!

Unlike the other robo fairies though, this one has fucking blindingly bright eyes, with huge bolted eye port things. Only as it turns around do I realize how freakin' _piercingly bright_ they are…!

Genkan slides back from the fairy, unfurling her fan-

"Whuu~..." The fairy slowly begins to whirl up or some weird shit. I don't know…!

As it does, its entire body smoothly mobilizes, floating straight for Genkan.

She drifts back from it. " _Stay back._ "

" _Huuu~!_ " The thing slowly begins to increase in volume…!

 _Krii~ng!_ Ma~ssive ice spike blade thing!

"Waah!?" Maria is taken by surprise!

...Genkan defluffs, the massive blade of ice she just erected slowly receding back into the dirt.

The robot's now lying in a battered heap to the left of where the blade came outta. It's still moving, but the limbs are disconnected and-

The torso smoothly floats up, until it stops and bobs in the air. It's still connected by wires to the other limbs, although the limbs themselves just kinda get taken for a joy ride. What the fuck.

"O- oh…!?" Maria's jaw is slack! "Ah- fire! _Fire!_ " She aims her staff forward-

 _Fwoom!_ A fireball travels towards the torso-

Fwam- _Boom!_ On impact, the torso explodes into a gooey, sickly mess of brown and green liquids, slime-smeared brass gears dropping from the interior of the machine and onto the grass.

Spla-splat, splat. Gooey goodness!

"Wh- what…" Maria's kinda caught off guard!

Ha-chan beams! "It became..." She deflates. "Bone hurting juice…"

Looking over at me, she frowns. "Why's bone hurting juice gotta be so colorful? I wanna eat it."

Friend, there's a fine line between liquid candy and freakin' oily smoggy shit. When we come back, I bet this grass is gonna be pastel yellow…

Oh, yeah, the other fairy's still just staring out at the water, hand held out like its partner was still holding it. Forever alone, son.

…

Before any of us move to approach it, it just gets up and flies off towards the fog-

" _Hah!_ " Cirno darts out of the fog! Roaring up to the robot, she delivers her arm to its torso-

 _Fwa~sh!_ ...Icy frost runs up the robot's form, but the aura gives way to reveal that it is not frozen.

...Visibly, anyway. After it jerks in the air a little, it slowly descends, meaninglessly twitching around as it somehow doesn't know how to save itself from this situation.

Ploop. It sank into the water just off the shore after floating down far enough. Noob.

Cirno flexes the non-existent muscle of the arm she used to freeze the robo-fairy. "Haha~! Cirno, ten! Robo-fairies… about seven!" Ho ho. At least her kill to death ratio is positive, yo.

...Looking around, Cirno sights us and starts drifting to greet us.

...Once she gets closer, Cirno bolts for Genkan!

Tensing up, Genkan waved her other fan-

 _Fwash!_ Ice magic coats Cirno's form, but does nothing.

"Oof!" She jerks back in the air a little, 'cause Cirno glomped her!

"Ice lady~..." Cirno hugs the yuki-onna, nuzzling her head against her stomach. "Did you come to help me freeze?"

"...An _actual_ fairy." At this observation, Genkan lets herself relax. "... _You_ , no less."

"Ooh?" Parting from the hug, Cirno rubs her chin and grins. "So my reputation super seeds me, huh?"

"...You could say that." In a single moment, Genkan went from 'resting ice queen face' to 'extremely jaded'.

Looking us over, Cirno nods. "...Yes. Yes, Eye like this. Are these your worshippers?"

...Raising a brow, Genkan looks over at us, before nodding. "Yes." Wahaha!

"Cool!" Cirno, too, has fallen prey to the inevitable inadvertent ice pun. "Me an' Dai-chan have been fighting these weird _things_ all day. They just keep comin'!"

"Do you know where they come from?" Genkan gets right to it!

"Totally!" I~... somehow doubt that. "...Everywhere!" Cirno spreads her arms out. "...It's the fog! Eye know so! They… _are_ the fog!"

Genkan shakes her head solemnly. "I'm sorry I asked."

"No problem!" Cirno mixes up her polite phrases. "Any time! Anything for an _ice_ gal!"

"I want to kick you." Genkan's having her life force drained, yo…!

Ha-chan flutters up to them… "Hey, Cirno-cha~n!" ...Why're you _calling out_ to her? You're like twenty feet away-

" _He~y!_ " Cirno makes a conscious effort to holler back with a freakin' yell, too. "Now we got _two_ ice fairies!"

Ha-chan blinks. "...Yeah!" Now you're just lying to her…!

...Glancin' over at Maria, I see she just looks displaced. Fluffy.

With that, I begin movin' again. Maria notices first and quickly keeps to me, while Genkan begins to follow me next-

"Hey, wait up!" Freakin'... now we've got Cirno tailing us. "You guys gotta help me freeze these robots! They keep tearing my face off and it's annoying…!"

Genkan snorts. "Perhaps they wouldn't 'tear your face off' if you simply kept a distance."

Cirno darts ahead of us clumsily, before lagging back a bit. "Nah, Eye tried. When Eye tried to nap, one of them came up 'n' took my face off, and Eye woke up without a face, and then Eye died."

Wait…

As we walk, I turn ta Cirno. "Did they actually take ya face off?"

Cirno grinned. "Yeah! It really hurt! See, Eye still have the…" She points to her cheek only to frown. "Oh, yeah, Eye died. That's stupid. Why don't hurts stay when we wake up again? Eye thought it looked cool kinda… even if it was a little weird. And really really really hurt."

Alright, Cirno. Can't say I feel the same!

…

Ha-chan catches up with us as we walk or float, depending on the party member. "That sounds cool…"

"Sucks that Eye lost it…" Cirno grieved the loss of her bodily harm. "It made Dai-chan super freaked, too! Hehe- when Eye respawned, she came up and was all like-..." Suddenly, Cirno just stopped talking. "Yeah, she was worried."

...Huh. That's like the one time Cirno used tact, ever.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We're coming up on the mansion gates! It's so foggy that I can't see the mansion, but the path exists so that's good enough.

" _Nuu~h…_ " We've also been running across this whacky variant of oversized, moaning robot. They don't do a whole lot but limp towards ya, but they're like fucking twelve feet tall so they're pretty intimidating anyway. Wide, too.

Maria's brows are furrowed, but she says nothin'. Avoidin' the cliche of asking what the hell it is! I mean, do any of us really know how ta answer that? Giant robot with a limp!

" _No~h…_ " It's… vaguely female? The torso and limbs are big and chunky, partly biological and bloody looking, but mostly just metal plates, parts, 'n' gears.

That face, though. A face only a mother could love, yo. This one's rockin' purple, super uneven and raggedy hair. Hand-sized, wide open eyes comprise the bulk of the face, and the bottom is just three big exposed prongs. I _guess_ you could call them teeth…

No ears, no neck. It's a freakin'... plate-shaped head, dude. Eeu~h!

"Horrible..." Maria finally comments on it. It's vaguely fairy shaped and does have some stupid wings on the back, but y'know… I don't think this thing'll be foolin' no one.

"I think we've established that." Genkan adds onto Maria's evaluation. "Brad. You say thunder works on these?"

I nod. "Pro~bably. This looks like the right kinda robot…" I think. We'll see!

...After a moment, Genkan looks over at Maria.

Complying with her gaze, Maria steps forward and lifts her staff. "Thunder!"

Za-za-zap-zap-zap! Five simple, weak bolts rain down randomly in the path section we're on, but only two hit the burly robo-fairy, causing it to flinch back slightly. " _Noh!_ "

 _Zap!_ Ha-chan contributes with a tiny single bolt!

" _Nuhoh!_ " Her zap causes it to do the same flinch, but on a delay.

...Dryly, Genkan lifts her fan-

 _Krii~ng!_ The ground-based ice blade erects again-

 _Kshoo~f!_ The robot lets out a airy boom as it seemingly erupts into some kinda blue energy. Its limbs bounce and fly outward, but don't really have any associated liquid.

Kashink- Kashink. The chunky torso makes weird ass noises as it plops onto the soil, teal gas leaking out from the ruined cogs.

... _Thunk!_ An ice chunk tumbled down from the air next to us, before embedding itself in the earth. A robo-fairy was frozen inside.

Cirno floated down, pointing at it. "Haha~! Someone else who dunno when to defend or attack! Eye know the feeling…"

...Genkan tilted her head back and forth. "Thunder produced more volatile reactions, though it's still more efficient for me to simply act alone."

"Maybe if we were fighting a crowd." Maria reasoned, tilting her head back 'n' forth. "My thunder's really bad on single targets… and I read that electricity's good at chaining. If things- these things are electric, like Brad says, then uhm, that bolt Hana makes could hit a group."

...Hmm, yeah. I never thought 'a that. Electricity does jump around and stuff, doesn't it?

"I have crowd spells, too." Genkan provides, looking over at Maria. "...Not thunder, admittedly."

"Well…" Maria seems intent to let the conversation die. "Nnn."

"You guys still talkin' about boring stuff?" Cirno glances over at us.

"Yeah, yo!" I wave at her!

...With that, Cirno darts up into the sky above us, again.

We keep movin'. The fog's a nice atmosphere. Considering how icy it must feel, today's probably a good one for ice magic… if yer outdoors, anyway.

Aw. The mansion's up ahead! I can tell because we've just about walked into the gate and bumped our faces on it…

Meiling's standing next to it, arms folded and leaning against the gate. She looks drowsy…

She's also on fire, but she doesn't really seem to mind. Greasy, sickly rainbow liquid is splotched along some of her skin and clothing, some of which is dissipating into teal mist.

"Oh, yo." I greet her. "I brought an army."

"Ah…" She looks over at my party, before snorting. "Here to help me guard?"

"We have reason to believe the one behind this incident is in your halls." Genkan asserts herself!

…

Meiling sighs, beginning to stand. "Ma~n. Do I _have_ to kick your asses?"

U~h…! I clarify something! "The suspect's a fairy maid…!"

…

Meiling leans back against the wall. "Gate's open. Go on in…" She yawns. "Hoa~h."

...Ha-chan walks up to Meiling, and pokes her. "He~y. We woulda gotten in anyway."

"Oh… nmh." Meiling's too tired to care.

...Ha-chan continues to poke Meiling-

The fire runs off of Meiling's clothing and onto her arm, causing her to flail it. "Aa- aah! Woa~h! Wo-"

 _Fwoof_. Snow clumps around Ha-chan's arm, and becomes a chunk of solid ice.

...Thunk. She nearly falls over before crouching down, her frozen arm weighing her down. "Wooa~h!"

I slouch. Freakin'... I dunno why, but that progression of events really amused me!

…

"You're ope~n!" Cirno whirls down from above-

 _Slap!_ She slams her arm into Meiling, slapping her and causing her head to turn.

 _Fwa~sh!_ A moment later, Meiling is frozen solid, her flaming clothes put out.

"Hahaha~!" Arms now on her hips, Cirno laughs victoriously! "I win today, gate girl! The mansion's crayons are-"

 _Cra~ck!_ The ice shatters, and Meiling grabs Cirno by the face.

"Mwoaa~...!?" Cirno is too shocked to even move-

 _Pi~chun!_ Meiling crushes the fairy's head with her hand.

…

"Achoo~..." Meiling sneezed. That was Cirno's real attack! "Damn…"

"Aren't-..." Maria's standing in the open gate, waiting for me. Seems Genkan already proceeded in. "Aren't you coming…?"

"Aah…" Ha-chan floats up, and awkwardly drags her ice arm with her. "Yeah!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I'm getting this impression… that the mansion's _not_ where the noobs are coming from. Mostly because Meiling seemed to be covered in what was probably oil and poisonous goo. She seemed alright, though, likely because she's a freakin' tank.

We're in the main lobby now, though!

Nothing really seems different in here. In the northwest corner of the room, some fairy maids I don't recognize are like, playing Jenga with shoes…

"Wow…" Maria lets out a breath. "This… this is the mansion e- everyone talks about, right? The one where those vampires that attacked the village the other day came from…"

Wat. Have you been listening to _fake news?_ Oh well… "Probably not! These guys don't get outta the house much." I clarify!

"Ah…?" At that, Maria stops lookin' at the big dimly lit lobby, and turns to me. "These guys? Who, uh, do you mean?"

How- oh, yeah. I see how you could get confused…

I gesture to the game of shoe Jenga. "The _shoes_ , dude. No, I mean the _voompires_."

"...Really?" Maria is probably understandably skeptical!

"Yeah, yo. We can go meet 'er on the off if you want…" She's really not that opposing or malevolent. Well, she _can_ be opposing, but she's rather chill. Most big wigs're rather chill, which is nice.

Clamming up, Maria focuses on me! "That's- that's okay…! Um, no. I- no." Wahaha!

...Grinnin', I lay it on thicker! "They can smell fear, y'know yo…"

...She just hardens her grip on her staff and starts looking around. Aww, I wanted a vocal reaction.

Genkan seems to still be surveying the lobby…

"Brad-kun…" Ha-chan addresses me surprisingly seriously.

I turn to her, brow raised. "Yo, what's up?"

"If we respawn with our clothes on and clean…" She brings a hand to her chin. "Why~ do we have laundry days…?"

…

Oo~h my go~d, dude!

Genkan half-turns to us as she moves for the foyer stairs. "I always wondered how fairies retained their articles. My conclusion is that they're simply a part of them, in some way."

"Because…" Sakuya voice, but no Sakuya! Aa~h!

Oh, there's Sakuya, in the midst of all of us. "Not always do fairies don their attire, and not always are fairies entirely sanitary. Above that, fragile as they are, dying is not a routine for all few hundred of them. It'd be unreasonable to kill them all, especially when inevitably some are in stages of bathing or slumber."

...Halfway up the stairs, Genkan turns around. "Oh? You're that maid…"

"Sakuya…" Maria speaks the maid's name under her breath.

"Hello, friend!" I greet the friend! "We're solving an incident, I guess! I~ just kinda got thrown into it… you want in?"

Sakuya blinks at me. "...No. No, I think not. This is the first I've heard of any sort of incident."

Hoh. I snap my fingers. "Check outside."

She blinks out for a half second, before reappearing. "I see your point, I suppose. Still, unless the Mistress requests it, I will not act. It does not seem pertinent."

 _You're_ a pertinent, yo. "Alright, yo. I wanna be buddies, dude. How can we be buddier?" Odd time to try and increase my Sakuya points, but it came to mind!

...Her gaze is dry. "If you're being genuine, I suppose legitimately volunteering for help around the mansion would contribute. Although, we've got some people for that, now…"

Who? Oh, yeah. Probably not-me. And that kid in a fairy costume...

Oh, and one last thing. "Yo, you know a Data-chan?"

Sakuya nods. "Mmm?"

Oh. Well, this should be easy, then. "I wanna see her, yo. Gonna put a girl in a coffin, y'know?"

...She blinks, before complying neutrally. "Sure."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We're all standing in an empty room!

Unlike other fairy maid quarters, this room's genuinely empty. Carpet, walls, one light on the ceiling, no ceiling fan. One door in and out.

In the center of the room, a fairy maid with a standard uniform is sitting in a ball. She's got really long white hair, and dull grey eyes. She's just kinda staring at the wall.

"Data-chan." Sakuya gestures to her. "Now, if I may…"

She vanishes. Goodbye, world!

…

Genkan glances at me, prompting me to glance at her.

Maria's the first to step towards Data-chan, for some reason, soon followed by Ha-chan.

"It's you!" Ha-chan addresses her! "Hello~!"

...Data-chan looks up at her, before returning to staring at the wall.

"Aww~..." Kneeling down, Ha-chan gives her a hug. "You're just shy…"

For some reason, I don't think this is our perp. She's a little too~… dead inside looking.

"...I think this is not our target." Genkan comments on this, too. "Are you _certain_ there is someone of interest, here? Harassing the abode of prestigious youkai unwarranted only ends poorly, you know."

You say that like I haven't been doing that this entire fanfic. But, anyway…! "Positive, yo! Like… there were fairies who said things! I know so!"

"...If you think it's wise." Genkan looks back down at Data-chan. "This is obviously not her, however."

Yeah. Hrmm…

...I kneel in front 'a Data-chan's _face_ , and speak words! "Hi, _son_. You know anything about robots?"

...She blinks at me, which is actually new, but no response. Good.

"Guess not." Standing up, I bring my head around. Freakin'... what do you do with a mute?

…

Kneeling before her again, I poke her face!

She blinks a few more times, before saying her first words! "Insufficient." Frowning, she turns away. "Do what you will." ...Awhah?

Whelp, back to standing. Not wha~t I expected, not that I had any expectations… it exceeded my non-expectations!

Ha-chan parts from her, too. "Data-chan's real shy about new people. I tried to talk with her before, but she uses too many big words…"

Oh? Aw. No words or all words, huh.

"I'm cold." Data-chan adjusts herself to lie on her side. "Leave me alone."

…

"Le- let's go." Maria decides for us.

"Indeed." Genkan agrees with her.

Ha-chan smiles at them. "Oka~y…"

Aw. I mean, they're not wrong to think that. This place is pretty much a dead end. I feel like doing something I haven't done in awhile, though, and there's really no way to just bring it up without getting talked over, I think.

...In spite of them, I reach into my bag, and take out Hard Winter. Didn't this thing, like… have a _jackhammer_ mode? Duhuhu~de...

While my party moves out the door, I sprint to the far side of the room, buff myself, and reel my arm back…!

 _Wham!_ Yea~h! Wall destruction time!

Bam! Bam! Bam!

"What…" Genkan floats back in! "What are you doing…!?"

"I'm _super mobile_ now, son!" We ain't gettin' anywhere just scrapin' the surface! We gotta dig, dude! _Dig!_

Bam! The wall's cracking, man!

...Data-chan's brows slowly furrow as I destroy her back wall. Wahaha!

" _Brad!_ " Genkan yells at me! "You're destroying property!"

Bam! "I know!" Must… finish… property damage!

 _Boom!_

...I've done it. I've hit the hanger through the wall, into some other room. Now to just mine out enough for me to crawl in…

"Oh, no…" Genkan deflates. "Do-... do you realize _what_ you've done? Scarlet will not let us hear the end of this…"

I wave it off. "Aah. I _know_ a guy…"

"What _'guy'_ can pull us from a lifetime of servitude under elder vampires!?" Genkan roars at me! "You…"

Crack! Crack! I'm gettin' through…!

After some vigorous whacks, I _think_ I can crawl through the crack now-

Oh, shit! Genkan picked me up…!

"If this is what you wish…" Reeling me back with both arms, Genkan slides back from the wall a little. "So it shall be!" Oo~h fu-

 _Crack!_

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Thud.

...Ow~. Shit…

Fuck. Actually, I'm not that banged up. Hard Winter's still in the other room, but...

Standing onto my legs, I dust myself off. Genkan made sure to toss me right through that crack, huh…? This helmet 'a mine probably helped oodles, too.

"Oo~h? Who's this?" Fairies! They're staring at me like I'm a creep...

"...Weird looking thing." Oh, they're those three pastel-haired pedophiles who doted around that, uh… 'fairy maid'. You know, _him_. The mansion's latest trap… who isn't me from another dimension.

...Add that to the list of 'sentences I never thought I'd think'.

Aa~h. It's actually kinda refreshing being on my own again, even if it's just for a moment. I'm sure Ha-chan'll drag those noobs back to me in a little while. Meanwhile…

Oh! Pastel green-haired maid grabs onto my helmeted head, and makes me look at her. "What _are_ you…?"

"Nuu~h." I copy the moan of the semi-biological tubby robots from outside the mansion. "Nhouh." Leave this poor autistic man alone, yo.

"Eew." The pastel red-haired one scrunches her face, and punts me with her heel. Ow, fuck…! "Some kinda youkai~. Get it out…"

Moving quickly, I get onto my feet, slip a hand inta my sack, and hold my other hand up! "Yo, mates! You know anything about a~..." Data-chan's apparently the wrong noob. Wh-...

I just realized I'm a fucking idiot. " _Code-chan_. You... delightful lookin' fellas seen a Code-chan?"

…

The pastel blue-haired one licked her lips. "He sounds like a _boy._ "

"What if we _do_ know Code-chan?" Playfully, the pastel red-haired one trots up to me despite punting my side earlier. "What's in it for us?"

I know how to bribe them. "I know a guy who knows a guy who can get you little boys." Freakin' pedo fairies.

…

They suddenly stop trying to appear seductive. Pastel blue-hair fairy moves for the door. "C'mo~n. I'll take ya to Code-chan, boy. If you're not being real with us though…" Looking over at me, she blows me a kiss. "You'll do, too~. Cutie-kun could use a girlfriend…"

Girl, I got a space suit that removes gravity in a radius. Let's see you rape me in _zero gravity_ \- can't fairies fly? Ah, whatever. Zero gravity lets _me_ fly too, as long as I got stuff to push myself against. How does Million Bucks' glide work in zero-G? Oo~h, the possibilities!

So, yeah. I follow her as she moves outta the door and into the hall outside.

…

"So, boy." Pastel blue-haired tramp fairy turns back ta me as we waltz down these curiously quiet halls. "What's with you and Code-chan? You her new bitch?"

"Yes." I nod. "I suck her feetsies and lick her toes, dude. I vacuum up her Cheeto dust, and give her sl- sloppy kisses in the dim light of a computer screen." Damn, that was so offkey it made _me_ stutter!

...She glances back at me again. "Uu~h. You… didn't need to be honest." Wahaha!

Dim mansion halls. Whenever I'm in them, I feel like the weather outside's always the same for some reason. It's always kinda a shell shock to go out and see it's suddenly sunny or night or something.

After some walking, we come across Maria on her lonesome. Okay what the fuck happened to my party while I was gone…!?

She holds up her staff defensively as we near her, only to lower it once she sees me. "Oh- oh, thank god…"

"Yo, what's good?" I call out ta her.

"Yu- Yuki-onna… she's looking for you." Timidly, she gives her information! "She split from us to find you faster, and um, then the fairy took off and left me alone, and- some fairies attacked me…"

…

Pastel blue-haired frik turns to me, then to her. Then, she steps up to Maria, and puts a hand on her shoulder.

"Yo- you're friendly, right…!?" Maria clams up!

Looking back at me, the fairy smirks. "When I take you to Code-chan, I keep her. Payment."

…

I roll my eyes. "Su~re." I'll just blow you up later, then.

"Wh-... what…?" Face falling, Maria looks at me in disbelief.

...Once the fairy smiles at me and starts to skip ahead again, I slide up ta Maria. She tries to recoil away but I just persist so I can let 'er in on my action. In _whisper…!_ "Yo- I ain't _really_ sellin' ya. I just need this frik ta think it before I put 'er body on the wall."

…

"I- I trust you." Maria nods at me, putting on a brave face. Honestly- why are you even _worried?_ A _single_ fireball will probably kill that fairy, even if she's like two heads taller than ya!

Guess it's the atmosphere. I can't blame her, this place gives me some serious Castlevania vibes. My first time here, I was kinda intimidated too, even if my shitty writing didn't express it well.

…

Eventually, we stop at a generic door.

"Ri~ght here." Pastel blue noob smirks at me. "Code-chan's hidin' out here, today. And I get your cutie patootie there, right?" She locks her gaze on Maria…

I take out the Bawmber, and walk up to her-

She darts back, aware of the danger. "You stupid fucking _human_. I know you're gonna hit me with that-"

 _Boom!_ I toss it at her while she insults me, and it explodes, taking her in the blast. The hanger lands on the floor where she was…!

"Play _dominoes_ on _pizza pasta_ in hell, son." ...If you didn't know, that's a bunch of FBI code for dominating kids or something. Thanks, Wikileaks!

...Maria had flinched back violently from the blast, but realized what happened a moment later. "You- you can cast _explosions!?_ "

"Yeah, yo!" By proxy! "Is good!"

...Apparently _my_ reputation precedes me! That fairy knew who I was the moment I pulled out that hanger. I guess that'd figure at this point.

Quickly movin' to reclaim my hanger, I hold it defensively as I scoot up ta the door. "Yo! This is the _police!_ The popo be _fast_ on yo _ass!_ " Open up, noobs!

…

I hear someone pace towards the door, so I hide the Bawmber behind my back.

Cli-click. It unlocks, and opens.

Brittany stares out at me dryly. "...Hi Joel."

Freakin'... "Yo- s'there a boob named Code-chan wit'cha?" Must… solve… apparent incident!

Brittany snorts. "Oh, you know her? Maybe you're not as lost as I thought."

She moves outta the way to let me in, so I go in! Maria slips in behind me, too…

Inside, there's a really raggedy, generic coffee table, some strange machines and metal counters… and it's dimly lit.

A fairy's standing in the center.

Green hair, swirly glasses. Working on mechanical parts…

This was that cyborg fairy from the first chapter that I never saw again! Ho~ly shit!

She seems to recognize me, too. " _You!?_ "

"Yo ho ho~!" I grandly, wastefully march towards her! "You Code-chan?"

Standing up, she pulls a small, pistol-like device from her pocket. "Dammi~t! Brittany, go!"

...Brittany doesn't go.

She pulls the trigger-

 _Fwaa~sh!_ Hoh, shit. Good thing I was too busy bein' an asshole to lift my visor earlier, or else this might've blinded me!

" _Aaaa~h!_ " Scream, Maria, scream!

"Fuck…" Brittany rubs her eyes.

...Assuming I was blinded, the fairy rushes forward to grab her things, scooping them into a garbage can that was next to her desk, before lifting the entire thing- "Hu~p…" -and moving for the door-

I step in the way. "Son."

Cla-clank! She drops the trash can, stepping back from me. "Daa~h…! Wh- what the hell're you doing here, anyway? Get out…!"

"Yo yo yo, _yo_." I hold my arms up, accidentally showing I had a hanger ready for combat. That works! "Robot fairies. You did 'em!?"

"Fa~h…" She adjusts her glasses. "Robot… _fairies?_ Hmm. That does sound like an interesting idea. Not that you can capture the stupidity of my sisters so easily..."

Daa~h. "...No, I mean, did you release robot fairies onto the world?"

...She raises a finger. "I released robots into the world, yeah. Not fairies, though."

Huh.

…

What's that s'posed ta mean!?

Brittany anxiously stretches a bit. "Codeci~. When can ya start work on my-"

Raising her hand, Code-chan shushes her with a smirk. "Wait."

Well, shit. Either she's a terrific actor, or I found the wrong asshole entirely. Oh, well! If she's releasing robots into the wild, I guess she's liable for a beatdown! Considering she respawns it'll be totally superficial, but-

"I'm not going to just let you _walk away_ for this. _Darling_." Code-chan smirks wider. "I'm sure you remember my girls?"

Ehahah. Ki~nda…?

Maria steps up beside me, rubbing the lingering blindness from her eyes...

"Pl- uhm, please…" Speakin' up, she takes my side with her staff raised. "Code-chan. Um… we don't mean anything bad. We- we were just wondering-"

Cr- cr- crack. The wall behind Code-chan starts to give away.

Brittany throws herself against a wall. "Hoe~ shit! You still didn't fight _that_ yet…!?"

 _That?_ Oo~h, boy. Well, I got a friendly albeit inexperienced magi with-

 _Boo~m!_

Cabinets fall forward and wallpaper is shredded as a huge, cylindrical metal _thing_ comes from the back wall. It has eight linked limbs…

One of the nub-like limbs extends out towards me. Inside is a fairy maid with earth green hair, flat cut bangs that go over her eyes, and shiny earth green lipstick. "Fuu~..." Only her head sticks out of whatever kinda freakin' cement mixer thing she's stuck inside...

 _Vhii~r!_ The base rotates, tilting the other limb towards me to show off the next identical fairy. "Hello~..."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The hallway is alive with the sound of our shoes pounding against the carpet!

" _Hooo~h!_ " I got Million Bucks out, runnin' ahead!

"Omigod- omigod- omigod…!" Maria's stout 'n' sprite enough to keep up, even with that big dumb staff of hers…!

Bam, cra- crack! Bam- thud!

Behind us, the huge eight-pronged _device_ whirls in our wake, spinning accelerating as it progressed towards us. It's knockin' paintings, vases, and _stuff_ over!

"Come ba~ck…" One of the eight identical fairies speaks from inside their freakin' iron tombs along the machine.

Another one speaks in similar monotone. "We've been waiting…"

"We love you." A few speak simultaneously!

...Oh, hey! Genkan's ahead!

Ahead of us, the yuki-onna seems to be talking with a brown-haired maid, before turning to us…

Aw, dude, she's got Hard Winter wielded as well!

Her eyes slowly widen as we approach with the machine on our tails. "What _is_ that…!?"

"It's a~... _fu~ck!_ " Don't have time to articulate sentences! Ribs hurting… from running…!

She floats back with us as we run down the hallway-

"Woa~h!" Oh, hey, it's Mapleweather. How are you, Maple-friend…?

 _Kri- kri- kri~ing!_ Ice shit erupts from the ground behind us as we bolt forward!

Cra- cra- crack! Not sure if ice shattering or if that's wood shattering!

 _BAM_

Woa~h. The _hallway_ shook from that impact...

...We stop and look behind us. The cylindrical thing was now embedded in the hallway wall, but the lanky iron tombs were all positioned precariously so none of the fairies inside would get mulched.

" _Arts…_ " The eight all speak simultaneously, the machine's limbs bobbing them back and forth. " _Hazy Slips in Earth!_ "

...Brown and green earthy mist begins to set over the entire hallway. Once it fully initializes, the torch lights along the walls dim, and everything becomes pitch black, almost brown. You could make out distant things well 'cause of the green ozone-esque fog, though…

" _Aaa~h!_ " Maria screamed! "Auh- _Brad!?_ Yuki-onna~!?"

"...My name is Genkan." Yuki-onna spoke calmly in the fog.

"Am- am I drunk…?" Mapleweather's somewhere in the darkness.

Thu- thud, thud. She bumps into the walls as she retreats from the scene...

Well. Good spell card.

Putting away Million Bucks, I reinforce my grip on the Bawmber and pace towards where I'm pretty sure the noobs are.

" _Thunder!_ " Maria casted what now?

Zap- zap- zap- zap! Things get zapped! I see the bolts, but they don't illuminate anything!

As I close in on the machine, its form is revealed by the sheen of metal. Nearing it-

 _Zap!_ A purple bolt arcs from it and strikes my leg as it progresses forward. "Yo~h _shit!_ " I double back, half outta the stingin' sensation it left in me, and half from freakin'... surprise!

" _Freeze!_ " That… was not Genkan. That was Maria, again.

Fwash! A shotgun spread of snowflakes was launched into somewhere. I didn't see shit, but I think she missed horribly.

Well, yo, if walking into them didn't work…

Reeling my arm back, I toss the Bawmber forward!

 _Boom!_ "Aaaa~h!" Yeah! I _hit_ people!

" _Thunder!_ " Maria does the spell caster things!

Zap- zap- zap- zap!

 _Kri~ng- Craa~ck…_ Genkan seems to have found it, because a force erupts from the floor that sends me falling onto my _ass._

…

The fog lifts.

The eight fairies are now just in the air before us, looking idle now that they've been forcibly displaced from their metal tombs. A huge blade of ice has lopped off the limbs, and trapped the big canister device in a room adjacent to the hall.

"Alright, yo." I rub my hands together… "Stand dow~n, noobs…"

...The fairies hover closer towards me!

"Daa~h…" What do~. "Maria, shotgun 'em."

"Whah?" Her eyebrows furrow. Whaddaya mean 'whah'!?

" _Blizzard_ , yo!" Ice spells- your ice spells- they sounded like they spread! Cast your- "Oomf!"

Thud. I'm pounced on by the fairies, who collectively pin me down. Woah…!

One of them adjusts herself to loom over my face, before giving me a small smile. "I've been waiting… for you."

Who~ are you…!?

I tilt my head to the side as she leans down-

"Mmm…" Her earth green lips press against my helmet. "Awah…"

Thu- thu- thud, thud. A few waves of her fabric fan later, Genkan frees me from the fairies with her icy winds. The stout fairies flopped to the side like soft nuggets…

...Bending over, Genkan swiftly picks me up with both arms, my hammer hanger floating beside her likely telekinetically.

I grin at her. "Heyo~."

...Idly, she rubs the spot on my visor where the fairy kissed me, rubbing off some of the earth green lipstick. "This mansion… is far different than I anticipated."

Yeah. You expected a hideout of the elite! You… were technically not wrong, but the elite don't do much. They drink tea, and drink tea… and _drink tea_. One of 'em _reads_.

As the fairies begin to rise, Maria focuses on them…

"Go for it, yo." I give her the go ahead! "Explosio~n!"

" _Freeze!_ " Raising her staff like a mallet, Maria brings it down-

 _Fwa~sh!_

 _Pi-pi-pi-pi~chun!_

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

…

We're all takin' a nice sit down in one of the many unused lounge areas around the mansion.

Brittany's here, too. Ha-chan's still… somewhere.

"The atmosphere in here…" Genkan looks around at the dim candle lights. "I like it."

"Hoo~..." Brittany smiles at me over a cup of hot chocolate she got from _somewhere_ while I was getting chased by a freakin' Decepticon. "Are these your… 'home girls'?"

Why do you have the hard questions. Probably 'cause you're _me_. "...Well, Maria's tiny, and Genkan's… huggable." I decide!

Brittany leers at Genkan's form. "...Huggable, alright. How often do you motorboat?"

Focusing on Brittany, Genkan snorts. "When did the discussion devolve?" If you blinked, you woulda missed it!

"Umm~..." Maria meditates like a buddhist monk! Nah, she's actually just being super indecisive. "So… that… incident?"

I shrug 'n' nod. "That was pretty much my lead! Chick was innocent enough, though." I also ignore Brittany's question, 'cause yeah…!

"Incident?" Brittany tilted her head. "Since when?" Girl, you never leave the house…!

"Since now." Maria actually shuts her down, somehow! "Um, there are robots outside. They're pretty scary."

"...There _are_ some pretty interesting incidents around this time." Brittany considers. "I never really participated in any, y'know. Mostly just chilled out here…"

I clap my hands together! "Tell me what you know, yo!"

"Ew, no." She instantly looks away, frowning. "No spoilers. _Noob_."

Fuck. Wau~.

…

I turn to Genkan while we're idle. "Can we hug?"

"We~ll…" Floating up from her couch cushion, Genkan begins drifting off. "We should get moving, even if we haven't a lead."

...I stare at her fluffily, gettin' up and waltzing towards her-

Her gaze becomes dry as I near her. "...You know."

"Hi." I greet her.

She slides up to me-

Ooww~! Instead of giving me a normal hug, she gives me a bone crushing clamp with her arms…!

She floats up, lifting me off the ground-

Thud. She drops me onto my _ass_.

"There's your hug." Genkan fucked me up, yo…! "Wait until this incident is over before you start losing focus." Jee~z… "We're fortunate you found Code-ch-... _Code_ by _smashing a wall_."

Standing up, I grin at her… "Hey, yo. It's always the NES-Zelda tier shit!"

Brittany snorts abruptly at my joke. "Fucking…"

"Come, Brad." Beckoning me, Genkan starts to drift off. "We're going to leave now. I'd rather we didn't spend a wealth of time under a vampire's watchful eye."

" _What_ was that about my watchful eye?" Remilia's playful voice comes from ahead.

...Maria gets behind me and Genkan, clamming up.

Genkan tenses up. "...He- hello."

I wave at her lackadaisically. "Hello~, friend."

" _Show her respect._ " Expression flaring, Genkan looks me over. "She will kill us if not."

Remilia grins widely. "Indeed. Now, if the three of you could-"

"Bend over backwards?" I give a suggestion! "I gotchu, fam." Turning around, I begin to bend-

" _Brad!_ " Genkan grapples me, and turns me back around. "Not _now!_ "

"Do- do as she sa~ys…!" Maria crouches behind us, shielding herself!

"Aaa~h, aaa~h!" I start yelling!

...After a moment of Genkan manhandling me and Maria quivering, we all stop to see Remilia's just facepalming before us, and has been for the past few moments.

So we eventually stop going insane, watching her instead.

...Once we've stopped, Remilia takes her hand off her face and just starts walking past us. "Seems I'm not the only one that outsider knows how to make a fool of."

...Stopping next to us, she turns to Genkan, eyes focused.

Genkan's eyes go wide, and her pupils contract. Frost starts to billow from her form…

"I'd like you to freeze some blood for me, some time." Remilia requests. "That ice fairy is unreliable and rowdy, and it's not every day I come across a yuki-onna."

…

"Ah?" Genkan's caught off guard by how trivial the request is…!

...After a moment, she replies. "Su- sure?"

Remilia smiles, and nods. "Good, good, I will hold you to that. Another time, though. If you hadn't noticed, we're having an… _event_ outside, at the moment."

"...Ah." Genkan nods at this. "Okay."

With that, Remilia steps away from us. Brittany parts from the couch-laden clearing behind us to move after her.

…

I grin at my party smugly. "See, yo? Vampires ain't all that bad." Focusing on Genkan in particular, I get smugger. "I suppose you _would_ jump to conclusions, though, yo~..."

Genkan slouches, giving me the most jaded of stares. "You're awful." Wahaha!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 68

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Hard Winter - A earth/ice-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice! Allows the user to cast Ice Shard. Extends combo length by one artificially. Allows the user to jump out out of combos smoothly, and leave frost in their trail.

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I _would_ like to know where it actually _puts_ all my stuff though…

==o==

WEAPONS:

Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! It better, with a name like 'Swordbreaker'. Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! May cast Flash, an attack that blinds; works best on darkness elementals and youkai. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can cast Gust. By the addition of a steel block, its attack and magic attack increased slightly. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites stuff on impact. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle, allowing the user to cast Flamethrower Plus! Allows the user to cast Fume.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Can produce limitless fresh water. Boosts the power of water skills. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style; physical attack increased, physical defense lowered. User bleeds out faster. Can cast Revenge, an attack that increases in power the lower the user's health is. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to let it cut!

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Lowers defense slightly. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger is slightly electric and holy elemental. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy…

==o==

ARMOR:

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Seventy-five percent time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!

Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means _business, son_. _One hundred percent_ ice resistance, and as such renders me immune to all magical ice damage. Dunno 'bout icicles and stuff, though. Fifty percent freeze resistance… not that freezing will hurt me with this thing on. Fifty percent dark resistance. Negative fifty percent fire and burning resistance. Hopefully hides me a bit when navigating in the freakin' brush...

Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! Fifty percent sun resistance, one hundred percent freezing and blinding resistance. Also gives immunity to electrical stunning. It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.

Lunarian Prototype Space Suit - A suit meant for combat in deep space. So far, it's only got the whole 'exist in deep space' part down…! _One hundred percent_ electric resistant. One hundred percent freezing resistant. Has an oxygen tank, but that's only useful if you wear the helmet to go along with it. Randomly casts Zero Gravity when it feels like it.

Lunarian Prototype Deep Space Helmet - It's a freakin' helmet. Fifty percent blinding resistant! When worn with the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit, it also confers immunity to burning and poison, along with _another_ one hundred percent electricity resistance. Yo…!

Testing Oxygen Tank - The oxygen tank used by the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit. Lasts for two and a half minutes! Not meant to actually be used outside of testing, but it's possible. Refills automatically in breathable air.

MP Prize Pin - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field. For awhile only the user(s) of this badge may pick them up, but after a grace period anyone can. Extends prize grabbing range!

Sun Badge - Fifteen percent sun resistance when equipped. Fifty percent resistance to blinding and electrical stunning. Replaces the on-impact effect of all weapons with Sunfire Flare when worn.

==o==

CONSUMABLES/OTHER:

Forty-one thousand, two hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!

Seven Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Mega Potion - Youkai-like regen for thirty seconds… except for the whole family! Applies to entire party. Good for when we all suck at life!

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Three Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on _debuffs_ , though...

WebDings Book about Foreign Juices - Wahaha! This better fetch a price on the market!

Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Rope of Red Bikinis - Wahaha! Gonna getcha, son!

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I _really_ have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

==o==

Hana, the Electric Fairy Maid - A cuddleable fairy who's stalked me for awhile. She's lovable, dude. Healed by electrical damage! Casts tiny bolts of electricity as her attack these days…

PRIMARY WEAPON: Zap!

INVENTORY:

 _Probably_ rocks - Yeah.

Winter Mittens - Aww. Keeps hands from freezing.

Winter Coat - Where does she store this when it's not on…?

[unknown space remaining]

==o==

Genkan, the Yuki-onna - A bitter yuki-onna from Gensokyo's wildlands, mostly active in the winter, and on particularly cold days. Probably heals from ice damage. Commands powerful control over frost, and has a wide variety of ice-affinity attacks. Weak to fire and burning.

SKILLS:

Freeze - Instantly freezes one to two enemies. Low chance of working on stronger foes.

Creaking Freeze - Generates a spinning, magic snowflake in an enemy's body, which instantly freezes them after a moment. High accuracy.

Glacier - Erects a massive blade of ice from the ground, dealing incredible physical ice damage.

Ice Spin - Spins and lashes out with chilling frost. Probably just an extension of her normal frost powers and not an actual skill…

Other Skills - Probably has more spells, but freakin'... I dunno her like a textbook!

INVENTORY:

Red Kimono - It's got floral decorations…!

Money - Apparently.

I dunno - What would I~ have if I was a sexy ice woman?

[unknown spaces remaining]

==o==

Maria, the Actually Ordinary Magician - A villager from the human village. Used to run the most impoverished bar ever, but that fell under or something. Really low self-esteem! No known resistances or weaknesses. Can cast basic elemental spells!

INVENTORY:

Wood Staff - Good for bonking things!

Raggedy Clothing - Low quality, old clothes from the village. Keeps her covered.

[Travel Bag] - Inventory that exists! Does not take up inventory because it is inventory. Eight slots.

Three Health Potions - Heals, yo. Youkai-like regen for some seconds, blah blah blah.

Three Mana Potions - Guess wha~t? It heals, except mana!

Elixir - Powerful potion that restores all health and mana. Effects only start becoming noticeably limited if you're like, Yuuka Kazami.

Survival Items - Motherly bread, water, the good stuff.

[no space remaining]

==o==

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

guess what yo an incident begins who'd've thought it

it does give me a good reason to run around with genkan though - w - and it's fun to break her icy charisma now and then

it may not seem very eventful now but i'm plannin' on kickin' up the intensity, just gradually; i think there was enough humor to compensate though

finding a place in the group for maria is precarious because she's very quiet and reserved and has a very realistically indecisive personality; she just wants to get by saying nothing ever

considering this is gensokyo yo though we'll find _some way to crack her shell_

...not much else to say other than that there were fun exchanges - w -

i obsessed over the introduction with maria for too long to not wanna know how it made you guys feel; i just feel like i didn't quite achieve the impact i wanted but i feel it's still good for what it is

this chapter conceptually took a major turn after i decided to buckle down on a chain of events and work with new concepts related to reducing meaningless action; while this chapter still has some it's mitigated to a more world-building and transparent, almost observational role rather than a page-eating sole focus

that and Genkan's OPness allows us to skip drawn out combat currently which gives me better control to pace things - w -

my original plan in the village was to wake up to fight the guards that would come but instead ai just had sekibanki go like "yeah they came by and left" so i could set my mojo in motion - w -

so yeah

as always, see you all next time!


	87. Newton's rolling in his grave!

(in which we're world rollers)

We step down the stairs into the main lobby. When'd we get upstairs…?

Ha-chan's in the main lobby, looking casual with some brown-haired friend…

"So…" Maria and I are chattin' things up, yo! "Vampires… don't massacre people randomly?"

I grin at her. "I don't think so! I've yet ta have it happen to me…" Flandre's had some moments, but she's generally nice. Just don't piss her off…!

"How have you become so exempt from her wrath?" Genkan's also curious…! "I hear the Scarlets are not kind to those who disrupt their halls."

Freakin'... "Yo, I've burnt down their mansion like _twice_ and they still haven't ripped my head off. I think I'm good!"

...Genkan blinks a few times, before looking away. "This world is not as it seems…"

"Wh-... really?" Maria doubts my accidental pyro prowess!

"Hey guys!" Ha-chan waves at us! "Where'd you all go?"

"Home." I smile at her warmly. Her friend there's got those lottery lucky sevens in her eyes… oh, yeah! It's Seven-chan innit?

"Aah…" Seven-chan looks us over. "Hana~. Who are these people, again…?"

"They're my good friends!" Ha-chan gestures to us! "Brad-kun, Genki, and Marisa!" I'm the only name she got right...

" _Genkan._ " Snow friend stresses her name again…!

"It- it's Maria…" Maria shies away, looking down. "...I'm no Marisa."

...Ha-chan smiled. "See?"

Seven-chan's stare was dry. "Uh huh. I remember Brad…" Looking at me, she narrowed her eyes. "Are you gonna put me in a box and kill me again?"

...My party members stare at me curiously. Wahaha!

Lookin' at them, I grin. "They called me the box fucker, dude."

"We called you a menace." Seven-chan comments! "...And some wanted to rape you, but that's beside the point."

Yeah, yeah. Stupid sexy rowdy fairies…

"As fun as that sounds," Genkan makes for the door. "Come, Hana. We're to attempt to find another lead."

...Now that I think about it, "Why don't we try the buddhist temple, yo? I know a guy who used to flood shit and drive battleships. He was behind that time everything flooded."

"I had to seal my cave shut when that happened." Genkan seems to recall that incident… "Let's do that, if only so that I may return his stupidity." She's kinda got her own motives behind that decision…!

"How do- how are you involved in so much…?" Maria questions me skeptically!

Lookin' at her, I smile. "I throw myself at stuff a lot. That's the big secret, yo."

"But…" She furrows her brows. "You'd die. It's not that easy…"

Shakin' my head, I follow Genkan towards the door. "I dunno what ta tell ya then, friend. Back in my day, I was a master craftsman…!"

"I somehow doubt that." Genkan swings open the large front door easily.

I tail her outside-

 _Boom- BoomBoomBoomBoom!_

Oh, fuck. Wow.

Meiling and Ganpeki are currently in the midst of the path ahead, crouched inside of the little fountain in front of the mansion-

 _Kshoo~f!_ One of the half-biological, half-cyborg fairies marching through the gates explodes. Her plate-like, vaguely fleshy head whirls to the side after the rockets fired by the two guardians demolish her.

Meiling and Ganpeki both have _quadruple fire rocket launchers_ mounted to their arms, and the fountain's rims as well.

 _Kshoo~f! Kshoo~f- Bahaa~m!_

Spla-splat, splat, splat. Globs of oil and sickly rainbow liquid splatter across the gate's front, the brick walls going from a dull red to a dark beige as the liquid splays across it.

" _Nhou~h!_ " There's a low rumble of moans from outside. That's a lo~t of giant zombie fairies!

Ganpeki roars something. " _Big damn robots!_ "

The mist around the gate is absurdly thick, but there seem to be glowing beacons on the wall around the gates, illuminating things. They look magical, so I assume Patchy put 'em there…

 _Boom- bam, kaboom boom boom!_ Holy crap that's a lot of booms!

Rings of energy ripple in the air as the ground shakes from the absurd amount of explosions happening at the front gate…

Spla-splat, splat splat splat! Hell, oil's splashing near _us!_

"What…" Genkan has no idea what she's watching.

"Eee~..." Maria lets out a restrained squee.

Holy shit…!

Boom! Splat _Kshoo~f!_

 _Thunk_. The plate-like head of one of the biocyborg fairies lands next to us, its glassy eyes caked with tears and blood-

 _Woosh_. After we examine it, the flesh dissipates into mana, leaving behind a blood-smeared metal pancake with fixings for the prong mouth and eyes.

"Go- god…" Maria holds her hand over her mouth. "Why…?"

Genkan allows frost to billow from her form as she floats forward… "This will not do. We need to _progress._ "

Light pulses from the fog above us, causing Genkan to pause and all of us to look up…

" _Yahoo~!_ " There's a Marisa up there, somewhere!

…

Then-

 _BOOM_

Bri~ght flash! Thank you for existing, helmet visor! Now if only my ears weren't ringing…

...As the light dies down, a neon-colored mushroom cloud is revealed before us, the mist itself pushed back by the ferocity of the blast that occurred.

Marisa floats down towards us. Aw...

"Yo~." She calls down to us.

"Yo~." I call up to her!

"What's up?" Eventually, the poofy magician comes to a stop in front of me… "Me an' Patchy here came out ta deal with those walkin' talkin' lobotomy victims. 'Course, Patchy herself's on the roof and just kinda chillin'."

"I'm trying to blow up the robots, yo." I mention to her.

She grins. "Yeah, saw ya on Patchy's crystal ball. Her scrying spell on ya's still active, y'know? Anyway-"

Meiling drowsily lumbers past us, her entire front side caked in unhealthy, oily goo…

…

"Anyway!" Marisa continues! "We're still tryin'a pin down a sus… pect…"

Resting her gaze on Maria, she blinks, before double takin'. "Maria? Du~de, what's good?"

"He- hey, Marisa…" Maria greets her sheepishly. "Didn't expect, to see you…"

"Hehe~. Finally gettin' outta that smelly village?" Marisa grins at her, shifting on her broom. "S'about time, yeah?"

"Yeah." Maria responded resolutely! "Still..."

...Hopping off her broom, Marisa stepped up to her. "Hey. You good?"

"Good enough." Holding herself with one arm, Maria shifted her posture to face away. "...Just a little scattered."

"Hehehe~..." Hopping back onto her broom, Marisa gave her a thumbs up. "Keep on keepin' on, Maria. You'll get used ta it…!"

With that, Marisa drifts past us and into the manor.

...Ahead of us, once the colorful storm of miasma, mist, volatile magic and other such oddities ended, we were left with a view of multiple magical wildfires burning away in a lake of faintly glowing oil. This huge puddle encompassed the lake front!

"Oh, yeah!" We hear Marisa's yell at us from somewhere inside! "Don't die!"

Maria yells back at her! "Why would I die~!?"

...No response, 'cause Marisa _absconded_ , dude.

Those magic wildfires before us are getting bigger! They're also rainbow-colored! Freakin'...

"Alright, yo…" I rub my hands together. "If we all _hug each other_ , we can get across this gap!"

"No." Genkan holds her arms out towards the flames-

Ganpeki falls into the small set of stairs before us, covered in oil like Meiling was. "Oo~h…"

...Ignoring her, yuki-onna friend held her hands open-

 _Fwoo~sh!_ Icy wind spreads out over the flames, quelling them.

…

 _Fwoom!_ Except that's not how you put out oil fires! The blaze quickly regains its size again…

"What…?" Genkan has never had to fight oil fires before!

"Those substances… they're probably oil." Maria's got book smarts, dude. "You can't just put them out without completely covering the oil… unless you freeze the oil, maybe."

"I see…" Genkan can _see_ , dude. I'm grateful she's not blind! "Then…"

Stepping forward, getting closer to the unhealthy looking magic inferno, Genkan crouches, and presses a hand to the floor-

 _Fwa~sh!_ The ground ahead becomes a patch of rocky ice, comprised of sickly, faded colors.

There's still fire, but a lot of it's mitigated and stifled.

 _Fwoom!_ It quickly spreads across the ice again!

"Wh- what…?" Genkan's taken aback! "My ice… it's burning!"

 _Crack, crack!_ It's _crackling?_ Um-

 _Pop- crack- pop cra- pop pop!_ _Crack! Crack!_

It's _exploding!_ Holy shit!

Genkan's forced to float back from her frozen oil mess as it becomes a fireworks show of colorful flames and exploding particles.

"Oh no…" Maria holds her hands to her mouth. The ice's exploding causes the flames to spread further from the original mess…!

"Bombs from above goin' _clickety clack_ , dude!" I feel the need to point out that the ice has detonated into an unholy entourage of booms and flames!

"...I feel empty." Genkan hunches over. Aw…! "I guess… we're stuck here, for now."

Pfft. "Hell no we ain't, yo."

She looks over at me, tired. "Yes, we are. You cannot mine through a brick wall, I'm sure, and unless you wish to burn to death…"

Ha-chan makes a frustrated face. "There's that stupid warp zone thing over the walls, too. If we flied over without hugging the hurt spikes, we'd just fly backwards…"

...Are you guys really this uncreative? Is this how heroes in games get stuck behind ankle high fences all the time?

"This is my fault…" Maria feels sorry for herself.

"It is not." Genkan comforts her! "...I should have realized." Comforts her by feeling sorry for _her_ self. Freakin'...

I clap my hands together. "You gu~ys are freakin' _noobs!_ "

Genkan glares at me. " _You_ fix this, then! How will we progress!?"

...I grin! "Okay!"

Parting from them, I dash inside the mansion. "Keep the porch warm fer me! I gotta grab some shit!"

Leavin' the nugget friends at the front door, I walk into the lobby…

Let's see~. Honestly, with Genkan's ice abilities at our disposal, getting over the fire should be easy street shit. Like… I don't know how badass her powers are, but she should be able to just build a bridge with guard rails and we'd be able to crawl across the entire blaze. It's not that the fire burns ice… it's that she froze hot ass oil- which was still flammable while frozen, by the way- so it _exploded!_

Heat and frost are not good friends! ...Unless it's in the art of the _kabooms_ , dude.

But a bridge would be the easy way out, yo. I'm not a _little noob_ , dude.

Running into the leftmost hall, I grab the first end table I see, and freakin' shovel it into my bag. It takes some jerkin' and yankin' it, but I manage!

...Next, I move up to the shoe Jenga tower in the lobby.

They're currently setting the tower back up, it seems. A small, yellow-haired fairy turns to me as I approach. "Hey. Um… you're weird. Go away." Pfft…!

" _You're_ weird." I accuse her. "...You're a _weirdo~ fairy!_ "

She glares at me! "No I'm not!"

I get in her face! "You're into powdered wigs and _poop!_ Freakin'-" Aaa~h!

She grabs my arms! "I hate yo~u!"

Pulling on me, she tries to jerk me to the right while I move to the right, resulting in us doing a fucking square dance in a circle next to the Jenga tower-

"Dial-chan…" Oh, hey, it's that quiet purple-haired fairy who can become a zero gravity field. "Stop."

Dial-chan turns to her. "No! I'm- I'm not into _poop!_ Don't believe him!"

"I don't…" Gravity-friend brings her hands up… "I believe in you."

"Aa- ah…?" Dial-chan locks up, blushing.

…

Breaking from her in this moment of respite, I throw myself at the half-setup shoe tower thing!

" _Raaa~h!_ " Dial-chan glomps me, unleashing her wrath!

"What- no!" Gravity-friend moves to stop us, before falling into the pile, too-

 _Fwoa~sh!_ She just cast _zero gravity!_ Oh, shit! Aaa~h, aaaa~h!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...I trudge back outside holding a small pile of maid shoes, that small fairy with pigtails and yellow hair still clinging to my ankle.

There is a big difference, however. I now have my _space suit_ on…! Helmet's currently off, but yeah!

Genkan and Maria are sitting to the side of the porch, while Ha-chan's just watching the inferno. That smog rolling into the air off of the flames doesn't look good…

"Yo ho ho." I greet the friends. "I have… the plan. Man."

"I have no faith." Genkan admits, staring at my situation. "Being a fool solves nothing. To solve a problem, you have to try."

Yeah, yeah, Yoda. "Get up here 'n' help me _try_ , yo."

...Standing up, Genkan steps over to me. "Make it _count_."

Alri~ght…!

I drop the shoes to the floor, crouch down, and reach into my bag…

"He~re we go!" I take out the tiny end table! "This will be the center of our icy structure!"

...Genkan stares at it blankly. Hoh.

"So…" Time to consider what to actually build with this… "I want'cha to make it _float._ Higher than I am tall."

Raising a brow, she does so, the end table lifting…

I snap my fingers! "Freeze it solid, yo!"

 _Fwa~sh!_ She freezes the end table solid, the entire object being encased in a less detailed icy rendition.

Moving back and to the left a bit, I crouch and touch the ground. "Make a long thing 'a ice from the table to here. Don't stick it ta the floor, though."

 _Fwash!_ She does as described!

Moving around her, I crouch just next to her. "Another _protrusion_ , same deal, pointed ta here."

 _Fwash!_ Two protrusions now, yo. Mostly equal size, too!

Finally, I move to the back of the _thing_ I'm having constructed. "Now, one last one ova' _here_."

 _Fwash!_ She makes the third and final protrusion. The end table now has an icy tripod, dude!

I look at Genkan. "How strong's this ice? Y'think it can hold people?"

She furrows her brows. "Strong. I don't know." ...She's right, _I_ should know. Ah, well, triangles are strong shapes, so it should stand!

 _Fwoa~sh!_ My suit has randomly engaged zero gravity! Thankfully, no one's really close to me, so it doesn't matter.

Genkan's not lifted by it, the telekinetically held tripod stays in place, and Ha-chan lets herself float. "Ooo~...!"

...Oh, shit. Ganpeki's unconscious body's floatin', too!

 _That aside_ … "Alright, yo. Make a bi~g platform on the table top. Like… maybe as wide as me, or two of me. Or one and a half of me." I make this statement as I slowly drift into the air…!

"I get it." Genkan raises her arms-

 _Fwa~sh!_ A platform of ice is made!

I grin…! "Okay! Now… you know how wide it is? Make walls as high as it is wide, all around the thing!"

Genkan's brows are both raised now. She dunno what ta make of this…! "Oka~y…"

 _Fwa~sh!_ Bam, son! Walls!

Clack. Zero gravity time over! I land on my _space man_ shoes-

Thud. Ganpeki's body flops against the stairs again, dropped from zero gravity. "Uu~gh…"

Thud. Ha-chan lands on her side. "Ow~..."

 _Thunk_. Oh, yeah, there was that fairy on my ankle. "Nn~h…!" She hums angrily as she flops against the porch!

...Limping' up to the walls- 'cause 'a this _ankle biter_ \- I perform a depressing jump to tap two spots with my _space man_ arms. "Make little head-sized holes here 'n' here."

... _Clink! Crack!_ The two places I patted shattered moments later.

Alright…

I take out Hard Winter, and hold it into one hole. "Freeze this in."

 _Fwash!_ Genkan locks the hanger into the hole.

...Taking out Youkai Inconveniencer, I press it to Hard Winter, making sure the handle 'n' hanger are together so they don't go all loosey goosey. "Attach this ta that, yo!"

 _Fwash!_ She attached the hangers with ice! It's a good hold, too! Next, I take out Deep Blue and hold it beneath the base of Youkai Inconveniencer-

 _Fwash!_ Yo ho ho! Finally, I take out the Bawmber, and _gently_ press it to the bottom of that-

 _Fwash!_ There we go. It is… the hanger _engine_ dude.

Reaching out, I twist the valve on Deep Blue so that it _now_ produces water. That second hole I had made is just for visibility reasons and ta make sure it all goes smooth…

I clap my hands together. "Alright. Ha-chan, get Maria inta the box thing. Genkan, put it down 'n' lift me in."

"Aye aye!" Ha-chan gives a cuddle salute!

"What…" Genkan looks totally lost. "What have we made?"

It's hard to contain my grin…! "We'll have to try it out, yo! Give me a hand, friend."

" _Nhou~h!_ " We hear the simultaneous wails of zombie cyborg fairy things from beyond the walls!

"Uhm- aah…" Maria shifts as Ha-chan carries her into the craft. For some reason, Ha-chan looks like she's having trouble…

"Hea~vy…" Wat. Ha-chan finds Maria heavier than _me?_ Now that just ain't right…!

Genkan floats into the air, lifting me telekinetically with her.

"Ah…!" Dial-chan falls off my ankle! "No!"

After a moment, she's placed me inside and joins us…

The ice is transparent but still quite blue, giving us a distorted view of the world outside this box…

"Put a roof on it, yo." I nod at the open space above us.

"This is cramped…" The space is so small that we can barely stand apart from one another. "I don't think this will be a good idea." Genkan, stop havin' cold feet! ...Ba dum tss.

"You didn't ask for a _good_ idea, you asked for _an_ idea!" I berate her! "C'mo~n…!"

"Fine." Gankan holds a hand up above us-

 _Fwa~sh!_ We're trapped inside this ice box now, dude…!

"Co-cold…" Maria hugs herself.

...After staring over at her for a moment, Ha-chan gives her a hug. Share the warmth, friend!

"Wh- whah…?" Maria doesn't know how to respond!

We're almost there! "Alright! Genkan! I need ya to charge _every_ hanger in that thing I made with mana, _except_ for the second to last one… and the last one!"

...Curiosity getting the better of her, Gankan crouches down to where I inserted Hard Winter into the box, and holds the handle. The hangers begin to glow with icy energy…!

…

Now we play the waiting game…! I'm counting on my space suit to give me a Zero Gravity proc. C'mo~n, random number gods!

…

"So." Genkan speaks blandly. "What now?"

"We _wait_." I shake my arms! "So exciting…!"

…

Maria looks at me, and exhales. "I'm… not sure if I trust you, anymore."

Ow oof my feelings. I grin at her. "You shouldn't…!"

Actually, I have an idea.

"Genkan, charge the last hanger with as much mana as you can without goin' through the second to last one." I give her another command!

"Mmm." She holds up a different hand, and it begins glowing.

The Bawmber begins glowing, too. Oo~h, boy…!

…

 _Fwoa~sh!_ There we go! Zero gravity!

The entire structure we're in slowly begins to float…

"Fill that one hanger!" I yell out! "Yo!"

Sighing, Genkan takes a moment to do as told.

….Spri~tz! The previously tame flow of Deep Blue flares wildly as Genkan fills it with mana.

The water loudly slides into and against the Bawmber.

 _KABOOM!_

" _Waaa~h!?_ " Maria starts screaming!

" _Aaah!?_ " Genkan can't help but yell!

Ha-chan squees! " _Eee~!?_ "

Houston, we have liftoff!

Our moon lander-shaped abomination constructed from ice roars off of the mansion porch, ripping straight through the unholy, multi-elemental flames as it thrusts ahead.

Soa~rin' 'cross Gensokyo~! The fog, the fluffs, and I~-

 _Bam!_ Our device runs over some fuckin' stupid robot things as we power through into the fog!

...This impact does cause us to spin on the horizontal axis, though!

" _Wooaa~h!_ " Maria yells out as we're thrown around inside of our tiny box!

Genkan holds onto the hanger for dear life-

 _KABOOM!_ Oh shit, she's still charging the things with energy!

 _Bwoo~sh._ Holy crap, we're underwater! Did we thrust into the lake!?

...Water slowly pours in through that one hole I left in the box. Woa~h! I can't even reach it because the momentum from things are throwing me the fuck around…!

"Oh- oh my _go~d!_ " Maria realizes we're underwater!

Genkan looks at me with wide eyes. "Was this supposed to happen!?"

...I grin! "I dunno!"

 _Bwoo~m!_ The bomb hanger's explosion is muffled by the water-

 _Spla~sh!_ We roar back out of the water, our trajectory changing randomly because the only thing in our craft that actually has gravity enabled… is the _water that entered it_.

I have no idea how fast we're going or _where_ we're going, because holy shit. Fog, and-

 _KABOOM!_ Genkan why are you still _feeding it!?_ Aaaa~h, aaaa~h!

...Our screaming has died down! I think… we're getting used to this!

Ha-chan's getting the life squeezed out of her by Maria, the mage's staff randomly bouncing around the craft interior. "Nn~h…!"

"Aheheh…" Ha-chan's slightly delirious…!

And-

 _Bam_.

We stopped suddenly, harmlessly bouncing against the walls due to the absence of gravity.

...So, why the hell'd we stop-

Thu-thu-thud. Gravity re-enables, causing us to all fall to one side. So that's where _down_ is…

"Enh…" Maria ends up on top of me. She's _soft_.

We're not falling, though. Considering we're surrounded entirely by fog, that's probably a good thing.

Wait, no we're not. Surrounded entirely by fog, I mean.

Out of one of the craft's faces, I can see Kanako Yasaka holding onto the box, her red eyes glowing faintly in the gloom and overcast as she peered inside of it. Where the fuck are we right now.

...She's got a tired expression, too! Freakin'... crossed legs. She's probably floating through the sky trying to figure out what the hell all this fog's about. We must've gone pretty fucking high, then!

She mouths something to us, but we can't read her lips from in here.

...Slippin' away from Maria, 'n' crawling out of the wet crevice of the craft we'd all become lodged into- 'cept for Genkan, who was hanging off of Hard Winter still- I called into the one exposed hole next to her. "He- hello~!?"

...Kanako blinks, before responding. "I can hear you. Can you hear me?"

"Yeah, yo!" I yell out! "How's the weather!?"

...She blinks at us summore! "What… what are you doing up here? What even _is_ this?"

"It's the Voyager Nine!" In loving memory of Cirno, the fairy who got her skull kerscrunched by the dragonborn! "We're trying to find a good picnic location!"

Kanako gave us an examining stare. "...A _picnic_ location. You _do_ realize your height is half of Youkai Mountain's right now, right?"

"Wh- we're whuh…!?" Maria is mush right now!

Genkan's lookin' at Kanako with wide eyes! "Go- Goddess Yasaka…"

...We went up so high a fucking god grabbed us and asked us what the hell we were doing.

 _KABOOM!_

Kanako's arms jerk slightly as the hanger engine goes off again! Damn, she's strong. It'd figure, being a god and all…!

 _Fwoa~sh!_ He~y, anti-grav proc. Let's make the most of it!

"Hey, yo!" I make a request! "Can ya toss us to the~... temple? We're tryin'a stop the gorillas in the mist, dude…!"

Kanako looked lost. "Gorillas... in the mist." Then, she nodded. "Very well. It should be…"

Oh- woah, shit! The entire craft is held over her head, causing us all to roll a little. Wind whirls up along the sides of the craft visibly, fog being cast out of the way by it…

"Will you need my aid on impact?" Kanako questioned plainly. "You seem to have removed the gravity from your… thing."

"Nope!" I give her the go ahead! "Launch me, god friend!"

Kanako reels her arms back…

 _Woo~sh!_ Wind roars along the sides of our craft, spiralling around it-

 _BOOM!_ We're thrust forward with great force!

We soar linearly, spinning slightly as we accelerate through the fog…

…

 _Thunk_. We hit something solid, which I only get a brief glimpse of as we bounce off of it!

 _Thunk!_ We hit something else-

 _KABOOM!_

Our momentum is neutralized by the hanger kaboom engine, which Genkan is freakin'... still holding onto!

"That's enough kabooms!" I yell at her! "Enough kabooming! We've had _enough_ of the kabooms for today!"

"...Alright." She lets go of it, drifting around the craft randomly with us.

…

Well, we're just kinda… floating neutrally, now.

Maria looks around dizzily, jittering in the air. "Wo- wow…"

Ha-chan's beaming! "So fast…!"

"...This is the _stupidest_ thing I've ever done." Genkan looks over at me, expression tired.

I grin at her…!

Woah-!

 _Bam!_ We touch down on the ground, all getting smooshed against one darkened wall.

"Ow~..." Maria got flattened by Ha-chan. "Co- cold…"

 _Oof!_ Genkan's... about as light as she looks… which is not very, since she's a curvy ice woman. "Let's get outta here, yo…" I give a muffled suggestion, buried beneath Genkan's freakin'... "Carve us a door, friend."

...Rising from me, only giving me a brief glance as her pillows cease contact with me, Genkan leans forward and presses against a wall-

Fwish. The wall vanishes!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...We are now all outside the craft. The limits have been broken, yo.

Bam, bam. The temple's front gate is shut, large wooden palisades positioned in the way. Cyborg zombie fairies are smashing their stubby limbs against it, moaning and groaning.

"...In spite of how stupid that was," Genkan focused on me again once we were out… "That was a lot of fun."

Hoh, shit. Straight up positive things from the ice queen? "Oh yeah, yo? I thought crossing that tiny grease fire was an impossible task!"

"I didn't know you were going to send us into _orbit_." Genkan began _grinning…!_ "That was just insane. What- what even made you _think_ of that? Why would you…?"

I give her a smarmy ass shrug, yo…! "I dunno, yo. I thought we were going to scoot ten feet into the grease fire and explode and die."

She snorts. "Uh huh..."

...Maria looks lightheaded. "That was… wow. Am I dreaming…?"

Aw. I smile at her. "Your first time, huh?"

"Fi- first…?" Smiling, she looks at me, adjusting her hair with one hand. "Yeah…"

"Was I gentle enough?" I smirk…

...She looks confused for a moment, before catching on. "Shut up…" Wahaha!

Shaking her head, Genkan turns away from me, looking at the temple proper. "...So, this is the temple?"

"No." I shake my head. "...It's not."

…

Genkan turns to me and bops me on the head with her fan. "Yes, it is." Hey, yo. Someone's gotta punish rhetorical question asking!

Bam, bam. The cyborg fairies banging on the wood palisades behind us is kinda grim…!

Genkan gives them a glance, before drifting towards the temple…

Oh, what the frik. The temple wall's got a few holes in it in the outside for some reason.

"A temple~..." Ha-chan anticipates the adventure! "Is it gonna be full of puzzles and traps like Satori's?"

...Probably not! "Yeah, yo!" Buddhists are well known for their nefarious death traps!

...After a moment, Maria scrambles to catch up with us!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Once we got inside, we kinda just picked a direction and walked. We chose right!

...That was only viable for so long, so we took a left when we could and now we're in a big courtyard in the midst of the temple!

It's foggy out here, too. On the upside though, it's lit by some dim lanterns that're just dotted across the courtyard. Everyone musta been annoyed by the fog, 'cause there's a lot of lanterns out here…!

" _Rarf! Rr~arf!_ " Dude, Kyouko can bark! She's angry, too…!

"C'mo~n…" What the fuck is Koakuma doing out here. You're in the wrong biome! "Stormy-cha~n."

Stormy gives the succubus the middle finger. " _No_. I know now, without a doubt… that you are a _bit-..._ "

He pauses, looking around for someone, before continuing. " _Bitch!_ "

" _Rarf!_ " Kyouko unleashes her wrath, dude!

"Stormy~...!" Pouting, Koakuma brings her arms up to squeeze her breasts together. "C'mo~n! The weather's _perfect!_ "

"No!" He spreads his arms out to accentuate! That's how you _know_ he's serious, son. "I didn't even get my dick sucked last time, and I built a combat ship and _sailed it!_ "

"But…" Bringing a hand to her lips, the succubus pouts. "It'll be different, this time. That _naughty_ miko won't get in our way, not anymore…"

Turning to my party, I put a finger over my lips and start pacing towards Koakuma as deliberately as possible…

Kyouko's reeling her head back, dude…!

Stormy jerked his head back. "That miko? Which miko?"

"Ah?" Koakuma was caught off guard. "...You know, the red one?"

Indifferent, he waved it off. "The shrine maidens were whatever. The real problem-"

" _Rahrf!_ " Kyouko's begun her ten thousand years reign of blood!

...Recovering from flinching, he tries again. "The real problem…" Raising his arm, he pointed at me as I stalked up to the succubus...

"Me?" Thinking he was pointing at her, Koakuma frowned. "Stormy baby, I didn't-"

"No, not you." Stormy impatiently interjected. "Him."

...Koakuma began to turn around, then saw me right behind her.

I wave at her. "Hi."

Koakuma jumps back from me! "What the _fuck!?_ "

"Right?" Stormy agrees with her! "I don't know if he fucking teleports or what. Like- look," he focuses on me, "did you see any _robots_ on the way here?"

I shake my head. "I just came for the annual buddhist fluffcon, dude. Give me nuzzles or give me death."

"See?" Grinning, he waves at me as he focuses on Koakuma again. "Fucking legend."

My party walks up behind me!

"Uu~h…" Stormy's expression slowly lowers. "Who're… they?"

I gesture to them! "They're my friends, dude. We carpooled here for fluffcon."

Koakuma goes from angry-looking to sedate at the presence of more people!

"Genkan." Yuki-friend introduces herself with one word.

...Maria's just kinda looking around. Stormy's gaze eventually locks onto her, and she stares back at him uncertainly.

…

"And you?" Stormy wants to know who she is.

"Oh- um, what?" Maria was caught completely off guard!

Rolling his eyes, the guy prods her summore. "You slow? Your _name_."

"A-ah…" Clamming up, she looks away. "Ma- Maria."

...Stormy just nods, before focusing on me again. "Seriously-"

" _Rarf!_ " Kyouko barks at Koakuma!

"Can you tell your fucking _mule_ to shut up!?" Koakuma barks back!

Stormy jerks his head back. "What…!? Kyouko-chan- uh- she's not a _mule!_ That's not even the right _word!_ "

"I don't ca~re!" Koakuma's nails extend…!

Kyouko darts back a little. "Rrr~...!"

The succubus begins to drift towards them-

 _Krii~ng!_ ...A blade of ice erects from the floor, getting in the way. Genkan has _intervened_ , yo.

Thunk. Koakuma drifts into it, bumping off of it…

...Kyouko sighs, now separated from her enemy.

Parting from the ice, the succubus looks over my party. "I'm not leaving here without one of _you_ , then. Who wants a good time?"

Maria ducks behind me, as Genkan frowns at the succubus. "Hmph. You'd willingly challenge a yuki-onna's embrace?"

At this exclamation, the succubus locks eyes with her.

...Then, she looks away. "Yuki-onna, huh? Too many problems with that… even if you're really sexy."

...Genkan just blinks a few times, unsure of what to make of that.

...Then, another Brad walks up to us! "Oh, hey. You guys here for fluffcon, too?" ...He's got _tanooki ears_. Freakin'... Mamizou.

Another Maria walks up to us, too, although she's got red eyes. "He~y, Koa!"

Koakuma looks over the fake Maria in vague confusion, before smirking. "Nue."

 _Poof!_ The shapeshifter turns back into her original form! "You _still_ into that storm guy fuckhead?"

"I'll fuck anything with legs." Koakuma admits outright. Geesh…! "To a point. Gotta catch my interest."

"Or you just gotta be hungry enough." Nue adds, still grinning.

Mamizou: Brad Edition walks up to me. "Dude, nice suit." 'He' gestures to my space suit.

Son. "I'm a fat tub fat tub." I inform him. "Would you like to be like me."

...Brad two just stares at me blankly. Hah!

"Aww~..." Ha-chan becomes super smug as she looks over the both of us. "Two Brad-kuns!"

...Ah shit, I just realized some of my hanger armory is still back at that craft. Good thing it doesn't look like there'll be much fighting! I don't _think_ Stormy's behind the incident.

Slowly, the ice blade erected by Genkan sinks into the floor, revealing the friends on the other side.

" _Rrr~..._ " Kyouko growls at Koakuma again!

Stormy groans, glaring dismally at the succubus. "Will you just get out of here?"

...Stepping towards them again, Koakuma folded her arms. "If _this_ is how it's gonna be…"

Unfolding her arms, she shows off a pink potion that came from freakin' nowhere. " _Someone's_ gonna have a good time tonight."

I start marching towards her! "No, yo, no! I came to get the information! Not ejaculate all over unconscious nuns!"

Quickly, I draw Fairy Harp-

 _Fwip!_ Koakuma slides back from me-

 _Pop!_ The cork atop the potion bottle pops off, pink mist briefly poofing into the air from the bottle.

Genkan slides up ahead of me! " _Freeze-_ "

" _Obey!_ " Koakuma's eyes flash! It's too late for me to look away, but since they're not directed at me apparently nothing happens…

"Gh…" To me, anyway! Genkan slows to a stop! "Ignorant…!" She don't seem very obedient, though! Despite that, she's still immobilized...

...Koakuma looks at the potion in her hands, likely noting that a fourth of it was gone now. I note so, too!

Stormy runs at Koakuma with just his _fists_. "Thot, _begone!_ "

 _Fwi~sh!_ His form becomes encapsulated with a brown-ish aura as he moves towards her-

 _Fwip!_ " _Fufufu~..._ " Koakuma slid straight up into the air.

"Hngh!" Stormy tries to leap after her. It's a good jump, too! Just… not a great one. Higher than I can jump!

" _Thunder!_ " Maria casts the good spell!

Zap-zap-zap-zap-zap! Lightning bolts shall rain from the skies!

"Anh!" One hits Ha-chan. Aw. "Oo~h…"

"Ebebe~!?" Koakuma's form is lit up after one of the random bolts strikes her!

...Once the electrical energy wears off, she jerks in the air towards Maria. " _Obey!_ "

 _Fwa~sh!_ ...How do you _hear_ an eye flash, anyway? What makes it make noise…!?

"Ah- ah…!" Maria drops her staff, hands locking in place.

...Smirking, Koakuma pointed at me. "Hurt him." Aw, no forced party rape like with the apsara? And you call yourself a succubus…!?

...Maria puts her dukes up, eyes uneven. She's… just gonna fist fight me. Okay!

...Reaching into my bag, I take out Fragile Flower. "Cleanse!" I point it at Genkan-

Her form's washed with holy, feathery swooshes, yo.

Koakuma furrows her brows. "You can cast _what!?_ "

"Wahaha~!" I point at her and laugh! "Ya can't out gank the gankster, _son!_ "

 _Fwa~sh!_ With a single movement of Genkan's arms, Koakuma's frozen solid.

...Thunk. The succubuscicle embedded itself in the dirt.

...Zap! Ha-chan zaps the icicle. You're a little late, friend.

Wham! Ow!

I stumble to the side after Maria fucks me up with a mean right hook. Damn, she hits like a fuckin'... oh. I'm holding Fragile Flower, no wonder.

"I- I…" She seems to be crying through the hypnosis!

I point my doofy hanger at her. "Cle- cleanse, yo." Cheek still hurts!

 _Fwoo~sh_. Her form is cleansed of whatever Koakuma did to her.

...Hugging herself, she drops to her knees. "Nnn~..."

…

"Wo~w." Mamizou's still _me_. "One hundred thirty times were weird!" ...One hundred thirty times? The fuck kinda time period you talkin' 'bout? Also- when'd I say that around _you?_ I've talked with you for under a minute!

Nue stretches idly. "This fog su~cks. Of course yuki-onna would be loving it, though…" She begins to meander off...

...This prompts Genkan to give her a dry stare. Hoh.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Stormy has taken us to a room inside, yo. Despite me blowing up that one fluffle room with all the furniture like fifty chapters ago, they still don't furnish this place. Freakin'...

Stormy 'n' Kyouko're ahead of us, seated behind a wide kotatsu. Me 'n' my nugget friends're taking the other side…

Mamizou took the short end between us, uncharacteristically quiet for someone pretending to be me. I expected more words than no words thus far!

Speaking of words, "Where's Byakuren, yo?" She's usually all over newcomers to the place.

Stormy shrugs. "Ah. Some youkai came along and now she's out chasing them down. She stopped by a day ago to grab some combat reagents and potions. It's probably good for her to get out of this lousy hell hole for a week."

Kyouko furrows her brows. "This place isn't _that bad,_ Stormy..."

I put my hands on the kotatsu before they bicker about the place! "Robot rebel rampage! Who dun diddit!?"

...Genkan looks like she wants to object at my negotiating style, but she reconsiders. That's right, yo, you betta' reconsider! I got us here in a _moon lander!_

Stormy tilted his head back and forth. "Hrr~m. There was a~... kappa? _Kappa_ that I saw the other day. And, no, it wasn't Nitori." Hoh! He's genre savvy, now!

...Also, a kappa, huh? Not a faction I interact with much!

"She's got this creepy ass mask on." Stormy gestures to his face. Yeah yo, just in case I dunno what a mask is. "Tiki shit, and it glows. You'll probably know her when you see her. She _does_ have blue hair."

Y'know, actually… "When'd ya see her?"

Lookin' snuggly, Kyouko replies! "...She stopped by when Byakuren was gone. She's the one who put those palisades at the gate… which actually helped. She also put a big rock in the courtyard, but Unzan took care of it."

A _big rock_ , huh. Only the most heinous of crimes.

"How is she behind the robots?" Speakin' up, Genkan expresses skepticism! "If she placed those palisades there, then perhaps she's not of direct affiliation?"

"She pretty much said she was." Stormy explains bluntly. "The connection's not that hard, either. You know… robots, kappa. Kappa, robots."

"...Oh." Genkan's brow twitches. "You needn't be patronizing."

Rolling his eyes, Stormy moves to lean back, only to stop when he realizes he'd fall back onto the floor.

…

"Wo~w." Ha-chan speaks! "This place is _empty!_ "

Scooting out from the kotatsu, Stormy begins to stand… "Mhrm. Buddhists don't need blah blah blah, or something like that. Get outta here before you piss me off." Pfft…!

I start to stand, and accidentally cause the kotatsu to tip forward…

Kyouko escapes before it smooshes her. "Ah…"

As we all begin to stand up, I consider our options… 'cause we're probably gonna need some kinda ramp to get outta the temple walls. One of the buddhists'll probably lend a hand.

"You're mean." Oo~h! Maria boldly dares to go where no friend has gone before! And that i~s… talking down to Stormy!

Big S looks over at her. "What?"

"Wh-... why're you angry?" Go get 'em, Maria!

...Sighing, Stormy turns away and towards the door. "Aa~h. Mmm. Existential angst, among other things." Focusing on her, he gets angry again! "The hell's it to you?"

Kyouko smiles at him. "Stormy's always like this. He's fun to poke!"

"Noo~." He starts backing away from her…! "I shall not stay here and get verbally dismantled by girls who don't know better. I have _some_ dignity to maintain, here."

With that, Stormy retreats!

"Hey, wait up!" Kyouko dashes after him!

…

I turn around, and Mamizou Brad is there. "So, hey there, buddies." ...Seems legit, _son._

"Hi." I greet him. "Can we cuddle?" The true test!

"Yes." Ha-chan accepts, moving towards me…!

...He looks focused for a moment, before replying. "Um, bro. I don't swing that way, yo!"

 _Bro_. When've I ever used 'bro'? Maybe once in a blue moon… but I don't remember so!

Aa~h. I'm embraced by the lovable electric fairy...

Genkan gets ready ta roast this boy! "Do youkai deserve to be understood?"

Mamizou the Bradizou jerks 'his' head back! "Aa~h… when they ain't tryin' ta eat me, sure!"

"Do humans deserve to be understood?" Genkan's playin' tricks, dude…!

Brad: The Sequel scratches his cheek. "Oh, yeah, definitely! They're friendly if you're friendly, dude. They ain't ever done nothin' wrong."

I shake my head. "Noob." You were… _okay,_ until you said they did nothing wrong!

Lookin' over at me, Genkan allows herself a small smirk. "Feel fortunate. This version seems to be inferior."

 _Poof!_ Mamizou turns back into Mamizou! What a surprise! "Well, ya know, those rushed articles aren't a lot ta go offa'." Scratching her head, she leans back in the air… "Oh, yeah, just so's ya know, Aya tailed ya recently."

Ooo~. "May I see this paper, yo~?"

Mamizou chuckled. "Wha~t, you think I carry it on me? There's a few paper racks around the temple here 'n' there. It was kinda an old article, too… so have fun." She starts to drift to the door Stormy went outta. "Now if you'll excu~se me…"

Hoh. Mamizou's a fun person. I don't got a lotta time to waste, though…! Well, I _do_ , but my partners don't necessarily feel the same! That, and if we suck ass too much Reimu and her nuggets will probably blow up the kappa before I do. That's no~ good!

"Let us adventure, yo!" I make for the door we came in from! "There is little time to lose!"

 _Fwoa~sh!_ Oh yeah, still have the space suit on. Oh, shit…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Steady~..." Ichirin directs Unzan, as the freakin' super genie adjusts the frosty moon lander.

Staring up at it, Genkan has a brow raised. "...I wasn't aware the temple garnered youkai of this caliber."

...Next to Ichirin was a small ensemble of very casual yet very eager-looking fluffles. Aw.

...Moving over to her, I strut up to a fluffle and pick it up. It's _small._

Ichirin turns to me! "No! You're gonna hurt it again!" Lunging forward, she steals the fluffle from me… and then she _nuzzles it._

Genkan suddenly looks vain. Wahaha!

Maria's too distracted by how big Unzan is. Freakin'...

"i am" The fluffle begins…! "tubs" Then it ends…

Tilting the craft, Unzan gets it into a diagonal, tilted position in the air over the mansion's front yard.

" _Noanh!…_ " The noobs outside the temple're still goin' ballistic.

"Alright, yo!" I run at the craft! "All aboa~rd!"

"Wh- we just got here…" Maria stumbles towards the craft with me! Since it's like fifteen feet in the air we got no way of getting on, but we're gonna approach it!

Ha-chan joins us in approaching it! "Don't worry, Merry-chan. The sleeping sleeper catches sleep…" Yeah, yo…!

"Incidents wait for no noobs!" I exclaim! "We can come back and pretend to be monks later!"

...Oh fuck holy shit-... oh. Unzan just picked me and Maria up rather readily!

"Eh- ah…!?" Maria reacted similarly to being lifted by a giant manly pink cloud hand! Not sure if I'm comfortable with this, but I don't have time to care!

He kinda dumps us into the exposed wall segment so that we're inside the craft.

"Ah- cold, cold…" Maria fumbles about once we're inside, before latching onto _me_. "...You're cold, too." She lets go. I blame this space suit…!

...Genkan 'n' Ha-chan float into the craft next.

Maria glomps the fairy! "You're warm…"

Ha-chan glomps me! "Brad-kun…"

I glomp the wall. "Oof…"

 _Fwi~sh!_ Genkan reinitializes the wall that she removed when we hopped out…

So, a tiki frik on Youkai Mountain? That should be doable! Just gotta not get eviscerated by the tengu, and not blown up by the kappa…

From in here, the outside world is distorted by the ice once again. It's really pretty!

"Yo, Unzan!" I call out to the genie from inside! "Don't hold us too tight, now! We're about ta blast off!"

We get a big thumbs up!

Taking the hint from me, Genkan drifts up to the hanger shitstorm and begins filling it with mana.

…

Still waitin' on that Zero Gravity proc! "I'm getting snuggled…!"

Ha-chan smiles at me. "We need to cuddle sometime again." Oo~h…!

 _Fwoa~sh!_ There we go, yo.

"Hit it, Genkan!" I brace myself for the spin cycle mode…!

She charges the hangers…

…

"My- my heart's not ready…" Maria-

 _KABOOM!_

" _Eee~!_ " -will have to be ready because we're goin' now!

Hugging me tighter, Ha-chan yells! "Woohoo~!"

Everything's spinning…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Seas of mi~st! The Zero Gravity casts've been fine so far. I have no freakin' clue where the hell we are. If only we ran into Kanako a second time…

…

 _Thunk!_ We bounce off of something!

The big ice craft slows to a stop as Genkan tries to telekinetically put the brakes on. "Nn~gh…!" She has a hard time with it!

The dark surface we bumped against is obscured by the mist for a moment, before she brings us back down to the floor.

"From here, I don't think we'll need this lander much more." I state plainly. "'Cause if the big nugget's in town down here, we won't hafta freakin' blow ourselves up anymore."

...Giving me a glance, Genkan questions me! "Why is your diction always so offbeat?"

I just let my arms ragdoll. "It's a medical condition, yo…!"

She snorts. "I would imagine."

 _Fwi~sh!_ As we come to a stop, Genkan opens one of the ice walls.

...I crawl out of our sideways lander, and look about.

Fog. Mist. Zero visibility. Can just barely see the ground right before my freakin' self.

"Oh…" Maria is intimidated, and perhaps rightfully so! "So… foggy."

"Aa~h…" Ha-chan crawls out of the craft and looks around. "Hello~!?" Brave fairy!

Genkan comes out last, drifting into the air. "This fog is becoming insufferable."

" _Oo~nh!_ " Moans and groans! Ha-chan has alerted the horde…!

"Oh, no~!" She exclaims! She doesn't look much more worried, but she made an exclamation regardless!

Maria ducks between me and the fairy friend. "Please…"

I have no idea where the hell we are, but the ground is dirt. By process of elimination, this means I could be almost anywhere in Gensokyo!

" _Nnaooh…_ " I can see the glowing eyes of some of the cyborg fairies…!

" _Hehehe~!_ " Someone's _giggling_. Cut that out…!

"Ah- nh- _onho~..._ " The fuck's that s'posed ta be…?

Maria exhales, hugging her staff tightly. "What… what are they?"

Elderly couples on a walk. "If only our computers were better, dude. Then we could play with draw distance higher than one foot in front of us!" Now I know how Turok feels…!

...One of the stubby cyborg fairies is getting closer!

" _Thunder!_ " For how timid she is, Maria's pretty good at actually saying spells right when it comes down to it…

Zap-zap-zap-zap-zap!

...Dude, I didn't even see the lightning bolts. That's bad!

I start to navigate around the craft to grab my hangers. "Alright, guys. I'm gonna grab my gear… and then we're gonna get the _fuck_ outta hea!" _I'm_ gettin' the heebie jeebies, and I'm normally not heebied or jeebied!

After a few moments, I've got all my stuff together. The hangers are still frozen together, even after the booms. Probably 'cause Genkan was directly pumping mana into them and reinforcin' em.

...Taking the Youkai Inconveniencer segment, I fill it with mana and start shining it around like a flashlight!

Let there be light!

…

"That's a _lot_ of robots." I nod in genuine admiration at the amount of robots there are.

"Oh- oh my god…" Maria frazzles up. This time, I don't blame her!

Brows furrowing, Genkan huffs… "Someone has resources to spare."

...Ha-chan slowly starts crawling back into the icy moon lander. Freakin'...!

Genkan waves her arms-

 _Krii~ng! Krii~ng! Krii~ng!_

Triple glacier blades! The earth is rended before us!

 _Ksh-Ksh-Kshoo~f!_ Metal plate heads with fairy skin still attached rocket into the air, seemingly the only easily launched parts of the mecha fairy things.

 _Fwa~m!_ A brief shockwave of green energy comes from somewhere-

 _Fwam- fwam- fwam!_ Lots of green shockwaves! Multiple of them run over us, but nothing happens. Green sheens run up the cyborg fairies, although the ones Genkan trashed are still dead as dust.

With my frozen amalgamation of hangers in hand like a freakin' staff, I erratically point the light into the mist, gauging how fucked we are. Not much is comin' from _behind_ us…

 _Cra~ck!_ An ear-piercingly loud crack resonates in the distance somewhere!

Bolting out of the lander, Ha-chan follows me behind the craft as I move! Maria and Genkan eventually tag along-

 _Kshoo~f!_ Another oversized cyborg fairy's head is sent spiralling at a super awkward angle by some kind of attack…

Ooo! There's a woman with long, messy silver hair ahead of us, running to a clumsy stop as she bounded out from behind the big cyborg. Is she freakin' barefoot…!?

Stopping, she looks over at us, before beckoning us with her arms. "Kids, c'mon!" With that, she bounds down the way I was plannin' on leadin' us…

"Yo, follow the stranger!" Stranger danger's much more preferable than freakin' endless cyborg survival!

Using my light, we keep up with her freakin' insane running speed as she bounds along the mountainside. The slant of the soil tells me it's a mountain, so we landed close to our goal!

The girl ahead of us is wielding a big dirty _cleaver_. Hoh…! Talk about a good primary weapon!

...Genkan drifts ahead of us but behind the mysterious woman.

"Ah- ow…!" Maria trips or something, but Ha-chan quickly picks up the slack and grabs her arms and starts flyin' with her…!

...We run after her for a little while, moans and sounds of struggle echoing in the woods around us-

 _Woosh- click!_ A grappling hook or something comes out of the unlit fog to the right of our runway!

"Ngh…!" The woman before us is slowly dragged off the path, her movement interrupted by the grappling hook.

Genkan moves to follow her, and I light up where the hook should be coming from, running so I can get around the trees in the way…

There's something tall there, with sickly, pale white and sickly brown skin, rainbow-colored hair matting the top of its head. It stands at nine feet tall, has what looks like some kind of bone _star-shaped thing_ on its back, and very ill-defined limbs.

The woman was getting pulled towards it by a dirty grappling hook that came from the palm of its right, single-segment arm.

As she got pulled closer, she brought up her cleaver-

 _Shink! Shink!_ She delivered two powerful slices to the torso, causing it to stumble back, and the grappling hook to disengage from her form.

Slowly, it reels its arm back-

The woman slides out of the way, and sinks her cleaver into the arm-

 _Woosh!_ The arm _extends_ , forcing _Genkan_ to dodge it as she catches up with the woman.

 _Fwam!_ From the nine foot tall abomination, a green shockwave flares out into a huge radius, in a single second.

"Healin' son of a…" She brings up her cleaver again-

 _Shink!_ With a powerful downward slice, she cleaves the being's arm off-

 _Cra~ck!_ I flinch as she brutishly brings the cleaver back and just smashes it into the thing's head. So _that's_ what that cracking noise was…

The being falls to the ground, limp-

 _Fwo-fwo-fwoo~sh!_ Its entire body dissipates, exploding into shockwaves of mana and wind, leaving behind only the fossil pattern it had mounted to its back.

" _C'mon!_ " She shouts for us again, running back onto the path and past us.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Christ, that was a lot of running… and the mountain trail was not kind! Fortunately, she fell back a few times to make sure we didn't get beaten the fuck up…

We eventually stopped at some kind of super minimalist house in the middle of the woods.

Inside, chests and shelves were just fucking everywhere. She had like five identical treasure chests just in the right corner, nearly placed next to one another. On the shelves were random crap; bottles, vases, shiny things…

"Hah…" Maria is winded. "Ha~h…"

"My a~rms…" Ha-chan looked tired. "I wanna sleep…"

...Genkan stared at us in disdain. "I don't imagine getting this far was _that_ much of a tax."

Says the one who _floats_ everywhere…! "Let's see _you_ try runnin' like a maniac…!"

...She looks away. "Too inconvenient." See, yo?

...The woman who showed us in stepped over to the crude sink in the back of the room, taking a big ass jug of water with one hand and pouring it over her cleaver, which she held with the other.

There _was_ a fun kotatsu in the middle of the room, though…

"So." Satisfied with a mildly smudged cleaver- rather than crap spattered- the silver-haired woman turns to us. "What're idiots like you doin' climbin' mountains on a day like t'day?"

Yeah yo, we climbed. "We came to stop the tiki trouble!"

...Noddin' at me like I was freakin' stupid, she looks us over. "I'd tell ya to git on outta here, but-"

Bam, bam, bam! Dude, the pizza dude's here!

"Aww, hell." The woman begins stomping towards the door! "I swear, if it's another one 'a those…"

Marching over to her plain wooden door, she grapples it and swings it open-

" _Hehehe~!_ " It's that creepy ass giggler from earlier! She's super tired looking, but her grin reveals that her teeth are sharp metal spokes. "What a plea~sant home, to be stationed out-"

 _Woosh!_ Silver-haired woman swings way to the right, almost purposefully missing. The blonde chick that was at the door still dodged to the left anyway-

 _Bang!_ Thrusting her arm back and forward, the woman plunged her cleaver into the blonde woman's face.

 _Cra~ck!_ ...It was not a woman, though! The face seems to be comprised of metal, plastic and crappy parts…

"Nnaa~h…" Moaning, the machine girl falls backward, the woman quickly ripping her cleaver back before the robot collapsed with it still in its forehead.

"Dirty solicita'. Come up here thinkin' they hot 'cause they ain't flesh. Mist tourists're somethin'." Shaking her head, the woman shut the door…

"Um…" Thinking formally, Maria asks the woman a question! "What's your name, miss?"

The woman snorts. "Call me Nemuno."

…

With that, she walks over to a plain wooden chair nearby and plops down into it. "Aa~h…"

Well then. We've obtained a moment's respite… but no real progress!

"You seen a kappa with a tiki mask on?" Interrogation time! "I gotta score ta settle, yo!"

"Don't really talk wit' the kappa." Nemuno dismissed me instantly. "None 'a my business."

I grin. "She's behind the robots, yo." That's gotta stir somethin' up…!

Nemuno glances at me, before looking down at the cleaver in her lap. "Aah. So ya _say_. 'N' who'm _I_ ta know whether're not yer just talkin' ta talk?"

...I mean, it's not like I carry a freakin' court case on me. I don't think Reimu does either! Waddaya want from me!?

At my non-response, she shakes her head. "You two, too. _Hell_ were you doin' followin' this... " She looks at my space man outfit- which I should probably change before it gets my brains stabbed out- and fails to find words. "Plastic dude?"

...The three party members of mine look amongst themselves. "Brad-kun's cool!" Ha-chan gives her best response!

Nemuno rolls her eyes. "Well, yeah. Leave it ta a fairy ta be impress'nable. What 'bout _you_ , lil girl?"

Maria locks up! "...Mu- me?"

"Nah, the heat table. Yes, _you_." Nemuno's freakin' sassy…!

"...I wanna explore." Maria's pretty much an open book. "He was my only way out. I… don't really regret it. Yet."

"Hah, yet!" Nemuno allows herself to break into a grin, before quickly returning to her freakin' scolding demeanor. "...That'd be funny if it weren't a joke. Still, tell me the truth now. Y'don't _sound_ so sincere."

Ha-chan makes for the kotatsu in the meantime. Or, as Nemuno dubbed it… the 'heat table'. Maria looks for a chair, and Genkan…

Genkan's had enough counter-interrogation! "Mountain dweller. You don't seem to understand-"

"Aa~h, yap yap yap." Nemuno interrupts her, wavin' an arm about! "I get it, I get it, miss… _Yuki-onna_. Come all up inta _my_ home 'n' _my_ territory 'n' start tellin' me I'm an idiot, 'cause blah blah blah, I ain't doin' things _just_ the way _you_ want."

Brows furrowing, Genkan folds her arms! "...Well-"

"Well lemme tell ya somethin', miss _yuki-onna!_ " Nemuno ain't done yet…! "Twenny three hours 'a day, I'm fine wit' playin' wit'cha. But here, I'm tryin'a honest ta gods have a sit down wit' this… _troubled youth_ ove' here, 'n' you get all up 'n' my business and start tellin' me how it is? Wha's up wit' that?"

...Genkan doesn't look like she knows how to respond to that! "...I'm trying to tell you. You don't understand-"

"Oo~kay." Nemuno leans back in her chair, staring at the ceiling. "Oo~kay. Mmhm. Oo~kay."

Maria looks amused…! "It's fine, Genkan. She seems nice enough."

...This description causes Genkan to give her a skeptical look! "I... suppose that's one way of putting it."

Nemuno just snorts.

...Maria looks down for a moment, before focusing on her. "What answer do you want from me?"

At that, Nemuno shakes her head. "Yeah, if I already knew the answer, I wouldn' be askin' ya. Whaddaya _think_ I wanna hear?"

...After a moment's hesitation, Maria attempts! "I wanted to adventure because I didn't like my life at home."

"...Didn't like it, huh?" Nemuno nods at that. "Guess it'd figure. Teens're always the rebellious types."

"That's not it." Maria clarifies, slowly shifting to look at someone other than Nemuno. "My real parents… they're dead, basically."

...Nemuno just takes this information in stride. "Aah. Wait- who do ya live with, then? Ghosts?"

Maria snorts. "Wha- no. The village placed me in a foster family."

"...Village?" Brow raised, Nemuno looked Maria over. "...Ah, yeah, guess I do sorta recognize them rags. Once every couple 'a years, see some wisecracker from _somewhere_ with the same rags on. Different dude, same attitude, same rags."

This raises Genkan's attention! "...That makes sense."

Maria and Nemuno look over at her. I'm just kinda chillin' back here, watchin' things unfold! Also… this house has a _lot_ of super generic furniture. There're some exceptions, though...

Genkan elaborates, focusing on Maria. "Out of place it may be, I sympathize with your loss. I may not know the same kind, though it and I are no strangers."

...Well, that took an unexpectedly dour turn!

Speaking of, Nemuno has freakin'... random chairs of different types of wood, which seem to be inconspicuously different craft styles than her stock affair. They're still plain, just plain in different ways.

"Y'know who killed 'em?" Nemuno pries! "Or did they do it themselves?"

Maria frowns. "No. Someone killed them. I don't know who- or _what_ \- they are."

...Ha-chan pokes her head out from under the kotatsu. "Maybe they're small…"

Nemuno smiled. "Now, why'd _you_ wanna go adventure? _Other_ than ta beat cabin fever."

Playing with her staff, Maria furrows her brows. "I want to get strong, too. Something similar could happen to me, someday. I watched my mother die. I'm-… so- someday, it'll hurt less. Still… my feelings won't go away."

Eyebrows raised, Nemuno nodded at this… "Heh. I'd lend ya my cleaver… 'cept it's the only one I got!"

"I'm going to make them pay for ripping apart my family." ...Maria underwent a freakin' transformation in this conversation! What, s'Nemuno a freakin' therapist or something?

...Then, she looks over us again. "A-ah… I just said that aloud, didn't I?"

"Yeah." I nod casually. Were her parents murdered by random bandits or some shit? Considering the village, y'know, wouldn't doubt it… "If ya ever find out who, yo… gimme a _yell_." I will fight the bandits!

Genkan stares at me dryly. "You're eager."

I nod. "Hey, yo. I'm currently all for family feuds, as long as I'm on the right side of history! If there _is_ a right side..." My nod becomes slower and warmer, yo… "Ho ho ho~!"

…

After an idle moment, Nemuno stops staring at a wall to examine us again. "What're you people doin' here, again…?"

Freakin'... "Robots…!" I remind her.

"Whah?" What do you mean she doesn't know what robots are. "...Oo~h, right. Tha's the word for them golems 'a steel 'n' flesh. How could I forget." ...She doesn't seem enthusiastic about the terminology.

Standing up, she twirls her cleaver around. "How about some tea? Y'all look like y'could use a 'lil boost."

 _Fwoa~sh!_ Zero gravity…! Aaa~h!

Nemuno soars away from her chair as she tries to walk, before stopping herself with natural flight ability. " _What_ in the…"

Genkan acts to telekinetically keep herself and Maria in place…

Ha-chan stays hidden under the kotatsu as it begins to float. "Hehehe~!"

...Indifferent to this development, Nemuno begins air-swimming to the back counter. The way her shirt is worn, it looks like she just took a dress, got one sleeve in and wrapped the rest around herself. Even so, the thing looks like it was made to be worn that way. Touhou costumes are _weird_.

When I said her cleaver was big, I meant it. The handle was fit for a broadsword, but the cleaver itself you could probably call a short sword… 'cept it's made fer _hackin'_ , not slashin'! She's got this _tiny_ little red bow on the bit between the handle and the blade.

"Where did you get these furnishings from?" Genkan examined the plain everything!

"Made 'em." Nemuno states plainly. Woah…!

Maria's surprised! "Wow. Do you have tools?"

"Aah." Nemuno waves her off. "Some copper 'n' iron axes 'n' picks and stuff. Honestly, these days m' _cleaver_ 's best suited for tree 'n' rock stuff. This baby's harder than _steel_." She twirls it around, giving it a smile. "Got me through thick 'n' thin, it did."

Landing on her feet and using her flight to walk normally despite the zero gravity, Nemuno steps up to a cabinet and swings it open.

"honh honh" Two fluffle friends are inside, looking small… and _dusty_.

" _Gi~t,_ gi~t, git!" She waves a hand inside the counter, causing the dust friends to scatter and flee from it. "Ya stupid _rats!_ "

"what help" One of them runs out and gets into all fours, looking around with distinct fever-

 _Shink!_ Nemuno drops to her knees to sink a cleaver into it, dissipating it into dust.

"im waldo" The last fluffle walks into Nemuno's knee, and hugs it. "im a love child"

...She stands up, and-

Bang! She kneed the counter with her fluffle-clad leg!

Fwoosh. The fluffle was crushed back into dust…

"Nn~nh…" Nemuno growled beneath her breath. "Dust mite things'll be the death of me. Hate fightin' the crap they build. They're like the kappa, 'cept they don't care about dyin' or bein' useful. Oughta walk up into the valley one day, 'n'..."

Trailing off, she pulls a crude lookin' tea set from under the counter. "...Now, why don' y'all sit down, stay awhile? Don't worry, I don' bite. Much. Hehehe~!" She sounds as offbeat as I do…!

Thu-thu-thud. Bam, bam. Stuff falls! ...Nemuno doesn't seem really concerned by the Zero Gravity cast wearing off.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Hoh. We're now all seated around the kotatsu… I've also changed into my kimono, which took concentrated effort because this place is _cold_ and there's only like two rooms. The second room _does_ have a furnace, it just ain't lit.

Nemuno sits down some tea cups before us. They're a little lopsided and basic-looking, but they do the job. Actually… did she make these too?

"Yo." I lift my tea! "Didja make these cups?"

"Mmm." Nemuno looks around the table… "Someone wanna let me squeeze in?"

"Yes, yo. Yeah. Please." I scoot to the side! She's friendly enough… and she's actually really pretty for a forest bum!

Maria scoots to the side of her spot as well, which Nemuno accepts 'cause it's _closer_. Aa~h, well.

...Genkan stares at me dryly. "Intend to ask her for a hug, too?"

I've been found out! I've gotta commit…! "Yeah, _yo_ …!"

Nemuno lets out that single laugh she does, as she sits down. "Hah! Bring me somethin' ta eat first, would ya? Don't just give no service down here. _Also_ prove ta me ya won't just up 'n' die if I ain't tailin' ya ass twenny four-seven. I like strong people."

...So, yeah, tea. I pick up my slightly disfigured cup and take a sip from it…

Oh, woah. Wow. I don't like tea normally, but… that's pretty good!

"What kind of tea is this?" Genkan wishes to obtain this flavor for her own! ...How does a _yuki-onna_ make tea? Does she just have like… an _ice stove_ at home?

Nemuno looks down at her cup, before tilting her head indifferently. "Kind 'a tea? Uu~h. Well, I took summa them autumn-y lookin' leaves, and some of those white 'n' red berries, and just kinda pulverized 'em. I also used them poisonous deep purple ones…"

You did a what now?

...At our stares, she clarifies! "I boiled it out, clearly. Look, I'll give it ta ya straight: if I wanted ya lot dead, I'd do it wit' my cleaver 'n' my hands. Don't really do poison much."

...Maria turns to her. "What if someone poisoned _you?_ "

Nemuno snorts. "Aa~h, I can take it. Worse case, I limp up ta a god and beg fer some cleansin'." She lifts the entire tea pitcher, and starts drinking from it. Ho ho ho…! I just realized it, but she never gave herself a tea cup!

Click. She sets the entire iron pitcher down, and stretches her neck a bit.

"I see." Genkan reaffirms that she is not blind. I'm relieved, Genkan!

Nemuno snorts. "Cool. I see, too." Great minds think alike, yo~...!

...Dryly, Genkan prods the mountain woman further. "What do you see, then?"

"A yuki-onna wit' a long face." Nodding, Nemuno lifts her pitcher for effect. "Why's that, anyway? Not often I see you types, 'n' even less I get ta talk to ya. Nine times outta ten I gotta hack yer plate bones in 'cause yer tryin'a give me the hug 'a death." ...Finished, she begins freakin' chugging the tea.

Genkan's face hardens. "You would attack my sisters?"

...Parting her lips from the pitcher, Nemuno's eyes roll up sassily for a moment. "Yeah, just run up 'n' kill each other. Nah, usually what happens is, I see one, they gimme a couple stupid words like, 'ooh what is a woman like you doing up he~re'. An' then they shoot ice at me 'n' try ta rape me! ...I mean, I've only seen 'em in snow storms, but I always figured they'd jus' be animals. Mostly. I had a hunch they _weren'_ , but you's the first time I didn' hafta bloody one. Y'git what I'm sayin'?"

...Once again, Genkan has been disarmed by her way of talking for long segments. "...Ah." After a moment and a sip of tea, she collects herself and tries again! "It is unfortunate my younger peers cannot control themselves during our most fertile season."

Nemuno grins. "...Fertile? You wanna get laid?" She points at me. "Done 'n' done."

…

Slowly, Genkan rests her arm on the table, before bringing it up to palm her face.

Maria snorts, grinning at her reaction.

Really liking that reaction, Nemuno keeps pushin' it along, glancin' between me and her! "I mean, if ya don't kill the kid, a girl like _you_ 'd probably blow his mind. Boy looks young, too, so he oughta be real energet-"

" _Not quite what I meant._ " Genkan's had enough! "...I meant that that event- a snowstorm-... was simply one of our more prosperous times. I didn't say _anything_ about intercourse."

Beaming, Nemuno debates that. "Wha~t? Y'said they were _fertile_ , what'm I supposed ta think ya mean!? What, you gonna grow herbs outta 'em? They farm lands now? Real fertile!"

...Genkan's still facepalming. Wahaha!

Man. Nemuno's a fun time, yo. Didn't even know we had freakin'... survival experts roughin' it up on Youkai Mountain!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 69

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Hard Winter - A earth/ice-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice! Allows the user to cast Ice Shard. Extends combo length by one artificially. Allows the user to jump out out of combos smoothly, and leave frost in their trail.

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I _would_ like to know where it actually _puts_ all my stuff though…

==o==

WEAPONS:

Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! It better, with a name like 'Swordbreaker'. Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! May cast Flash, an attack that blinds; works best on darkness elementals and youkai. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can cast Gust. By the addition of a steel block, its attack and magic attack increased slightly. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites stuff on impact. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle, allowing the user to cast Flamethrower Plus! Allows the user to cast Fume.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Can produce limitless fresh water. Boosts the power of water skills. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style; physical attack increased, physical defense lowered. User bleeds out faster. Can cast Revenge, an attack that increases in power the lower the user's health is. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to let it cut!

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Lowers defense slightly. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger is slightly electric and holy elemental. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy…

==o==

ARMOR:

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Seventy-five percent time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!

Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means _business, son_. _One hundred percent_ ice resistance, and as such renders me immune to all magical ice damage. Dunno 'bout icicles and stuff, though. Fifty percent freeze resistance… not that freezing will hurt me with this thing on. Fifty percent dark resistance. Negative fifty percent fire and burning resistance. Hopefully hides me a bit when navigating in the freakin' brush...

Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! Fifty percent sun resistance, one hundred percent freezing and blinding resistance. Also gives immunity to electrical stunning. It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.

Lunarian Prototype Space Suit - A suit meant for combat in deep space. So far, it's only got the whole 'exist in deep space' part down…! _One hundred percent_ electric resistant. One hundred percent freezing resistant. Has an oxygen tank, but that's only useful if you wear the helmet to go along with it. Randomly casts Zero Gravity when it feels like it.

Lunarian Prototype Deep Space Helmet - It's a freakin' helmet. Fifty percent blinding resistant! When worn with the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit, it also confers immunity to burning and poison, along with _another_ one hundred percent electricity resistance. Yo…!

Testing Oxygen Tank - The oxygen tank used by the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit. Lasts for two and a half minutes! Not meant to actually be used outside of testing, but it's possible. Refills automatically in breathable air.

MP Prize Pin - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field. For awhile only the user(s) of this badge may pick them up, but after a grace period anyone can. Extends prize grabbing range!

Sun Badge - Fifteen percent sun resistance when equipped. Fifty percent resistance to blinding and electrical stunning. Replaces the on-impact effect of all weapons with Sunfire Flare when worn.

==o==

CONSUMABLES/OTHER:

Forty-one thousand, two hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!

Seven Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Mega Potion - Youkai-like regen for thirty seconds… except for the whole family! Applies to entire party. Good for when we all suck at life!

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Three Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on _debuffs_ , though...

WebDings Book about Foreign Juices - Wahaha! This better fetch a price on the market!

Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Rope of Red Bikinis - Wahaha! Gonna getcha, son!

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I _really_ have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

==o==

Hana, the Electric Fairy Maid - A cuddleable fairy who's stalked me for awhile. She's lovable, dude. Healed by electrical damage! Casts tiny bolts of electricity as her attack these days…

PRIMARY WEAPON: Zap!

INVENTORY:

 _Probably_ rocks - Yeah.

Winter Mittens - Aww. Keeps hands from freezing.

Winter Coat - Where does she store this when it's not on…?

[unknown space remaining]

==o==

Genkan, the Yuki-onna - A bitter yuki-onna from Gensokyo's wildlands, mostly active in the winter, and on particularly cold days. Probably heals from ice damage. Commands powerful control over frost, and has a wide variety of ice-affinity attacks. Weak to fire and burning.

SKILLS:

Freeze - Instantly freezes one to two enemies. Low chance of working on stronger foes.

Creaking Freeze - Generates a spinning, magic snowflake in an enemy's body, which instantly freezes them after a moment. High accuracy.

Glacier - Erects a massive blade of ice from the ground, dealing incredible physical ice damage.

Ice Spin - Spins and lashes out with chilling frost. Probably just an extension of her normal frost powers and not an actual skill…

Other Skills - Probably has more spells, but freakin'... I dunno her like a textbook!

INVENTORY:

Red Kimono - It's got floral decorations…!

Money - Apparently.

I dunno - What would I~ have if I was a sexy ice woman?

[unknown spaces remaining]

==o==

Maria, the Actually Ordinary Magician - A villager from the human village. Used to run the most impoverished bar ever, but that fell under or something. Really low self-esteem! No known resistances or weaknesses. Can cast basic elemental spells!

INVENTORY:

Wood Staff - Good for bonking things!

Raggedy Clothing - Low quality, old clothes from the village. Keeps her covered.

[Travel Bag] - Inventory that exists! Does not take up inventory because it is inventory. Eight slots.

Three Health Potions - Heals, yo. Youkai-like regen for some seconds, blah blah blah.

Three Mana Potions - Guess wha~t? It heals, except mana!

Elixir - Powerful potion that restores all health and mana. Effects only start becoming noticeably limited if you're like, Yuuka Kazami.

[one space remaining]

==o==

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

this one didn't take an awful long amount of time, but still longer than i'd've liked - w - i feel like it came out pretty dang good though all things considered

gettin' some 'a dose NEW TOUHOUS in there my boys; i'm a big fan 'a nemuno sakata myself .w.

at times i feel compelled to reread parts of the chapter to make sure the quality's as it should be, but i should really stick to like, reading it at the very end, 'cause even then unless i'm in the right mood i'll probably retain too much information to properly gauge my work from a consumer standpoint goin' in

i did look back at my last batch briefly though and go "y'know, s'not really all that bad!"

aside from the action scenes kinda hahaha but we don't talk about dose no more; most 'a you readers out there were probably fine wit' them as is, but afta' consideration, i wanna save lengthy battle segments for contextually appropriate gimmicks and thematically smooth (or mostly smooth) proceedings; if a fight feels too mechanical and too much like filler, it's probably 'cause i didn't do _something_ i shoulda been doin'.

this batch moreso resembles the incident structure of the past ones too while being better written in general, so it should be pleasin' enough for everyone involved - w - things move quicker; not sure if it provides good variety or not

when writing, working with a lot of characters at once always gives a scene a very cluttered and confusing feeling- which is in part the point because _people_ \- but after reading them over i find "you know it's not as terrible as i'd initially imagined". sometimes it's hard to gauge the quality of scenes mid-writing because i feel a plethora of other variables either relating to the process of writing or external things

that said, i can't help but get hype writing certain scenes - w - i'd say a scene only truly shines if you're really feelin' it but i've looked over some scenes i've written while just drained and empty and they were actually pretty spot on; in the end it's not actually terribly difficult to move forward, since the work's premise is to just have fun, explore characters, and not (always or intentionally) try to convey deeper meaning

finally, i think the biggest mistake writers like me make is that they fall into a rut and never get out of it, when all it takes is some pushin', pushin', pushin' and pushin'. that, and recognizing emotional faults and issues and learning to solve, look past, or ignore them

writing's not _always_ fun, but it's fulfilling and liberating - w - you learn a lot about people too just by contemplating how so many different and varied personalities would act in different settings

i think i've been rambling too long XD

but anyway… i'm not certain whether or not i'm doing maria's character in the way i want, or if her feelings of unease and awkwardness are seeping into me subconsciously XD so i think i'll just leave her be…!

starting a lot of sentences with character's names all the time makes me antsy, but it's hard to avoid when working with like, four-man parties and four-player-parties-plus-external-characters. it's always a matter i've carefully danced around… and you could say descriptive prose lets you avoid it but like that's not really addressing the issue is it XD

 _that's enough rambling yo_

don't forget to beat me up in the reviews yo

as always, see you all next time!


	88. Derelict Factory of Twisted Metal

(in which there is violence in the workplace)

That was some good tea, yo, good tea…

"Y'all gonna be headin' out, now? Fer real?" Nemuno is skeptical at our resolve to solve the incident! "This ain't no place fer green-behind-the-ears kids ta be swingin' wood swords, now. S'a bit late for me to threaten ta gut ya ta chase ya off, and wit' all the things, it wouldn't be right, either…"

I raise Hard Winter, which has been thawed out from the other hangers! "S'all cool, yo. We've got the reach and the teeth of a killin' machine!"

...Nemuno looked skeptical. "Only one here I see doin' any killin' is snow white ova there." She gestures to Genkan for effect.

"My party members…" Defend us, Genkan! "They are not capable." Aaa~h!

"We- we're capable!" Maria objects! "Brad has a lot of magic, and… I'm learning!"

Yeah, a lotta magic… that I dunno personally by heart! Although I _am_ a survivor...

Nemuno frowns. "Ain't no learnin' when you're _dead._ One thing ta make mistakes, s'another thing ta make the _big_ mistake."

Grinnin', I activate my trap card! "I have enough healing items to save a marching band from certain annihilation."

Folding her arms, Nemuno leans back. "Oh, yeah? Lemme see 'em."

...Taking my sack off my waist, I hold it up. "Here, yo."

...Reaching forward, she grabs it from me and looks in. Then, she reaches inside…

…

After some digging, she pulls out that freakin' WebDings book about fruit or some shit. Flipping it open, she looks inside it… "Oh." Yeah, that was my reaction too…!

She puts the book back inside- freakin', why- and digs through it summore. "...Wha~t." Slowly, she starts to tug out a string of red bikinis. Oh shit, I forgot about those…! " _Boy._ "

Genkan just sighed. "I knew there was a reason I never asked what was inside."

Maria blushes, turning away! "I… don't need to see that."

"They're just bikinis!" I defend myself! "I got 'em from a shed at the Palace 'a Earth Spirits!"

Nemuno chuckles. "Boy~ who you tryin'a fool!? Like…!" Her eyes widen as she pulls the string, and there're more bikinis! " _Look_ at this! You sell out a whore house alone!?"

"Wawaa~h…" Maria, don't think about that too hard…! I see you thinkin' over there, stop thinkin'!

"They're mine!" Ha-chan exclaims!

Wat. No they're not?

We all turn to her, and she smiles. "I wore them." _Why_.

...Stuffing the bikinis back into the sack, she hands it over to me. "Just- just pull out summa ya stupid 'healin' items' or however you wanna call 'em. Nice _bag_ , too."

I snort. "Gee, thanks…" Diggin' through the bag, I take out a freakin' health potion. "Here, yo. I got seven 'a these things. Seven health potions!"

...Nemuno's brows are furrowed. "Now _what is_ a health potion?" You've got to be shitting me.

"You've _never_ used a potion before." I am skeptical…!

"No~." Shaking her head, she looks skeptical 'a _me_. "The fuck's a magic fairy potion s'possed ta do? If ya had _seven asses_ that could be cut off when them robots dice ya up good, that'd be a different story."

"Um…" Unsurely, Maria begins… "Have you ever been hurt really bad and been able to heal from it really fast?"

...Nemuno tilts her head back 'n' forth. "Eeh, sorta. I'm a Yamanba, so I heal fasta' than humans and take more. Same time though, there've been a few times where I got banged up somethin' fierce. Usually spent awhile in bed, used whatever herbs I had ta keep by. Got medical stuff on me always, yeah?"

"Was there ever a time it was instant?" I think I see where Maria's goin' wit' this…

Nemuno nods, and starts gesturing as she tells her story. "One time, I got my ass kicked when me 'n' some tengu were beatin' down a real mean lookin' animal, an' they fed me some kinda medicine that accelerated my healin' somethin' fierce. I never got what they used, but one of 'em told me the key ingredient was glowin' mushroom. Kinda weird, 'cause we don't get glowin' mushroom up here really."

"That was a health potion, then." Maria smiled, nodding with her arms behind her back… "They just probably didn't tell you."

…Nemuno double took! "You've got _seven_ 'a those, boy!?" _Now_ she gets it!

"Yeah, yo!" I nod!

…

While this has been goin' on, Genkan seems to have created multiple miniature ice sculptures with her hands in the time we've been chattering up a storm. Ha-chan's killin' time watching her…

Nemuno notices this, too. "Aah, hell. Whatever, go on out there and hurt yaselves, then. You got them 'potion' things, but I still don't feel good 'bout it."

...Genkan sets a tenth tiny icicle sculpture down on the counter near her. "I'm glad we have your permission, mountain woman."

...Gainin' a friendly glare, Nemuno gazes at her. "Yeah, yeah. Don't let these pipsqueaks die now, _snow woman_. Give that boy some sugar, too, he's itchin'." Freakin'...!

" _They will be safe._ " Genkan's had enough romantic prodding!

"I dunno!" Nemuno's got a shit eating grin…! "Maybe he wouldn't be out takin' y'all to get munched by big damn robots if he got laid once 'er twice, y'know what I'm sayin'!?"

Genkan does not look happy…! Aaa~h, aaa~h!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Here we are, yo. On the road aga~in… all on our-... togetherness, again!

"The kappa valley _should_ be in this direction." Genkan states. She says it factually, but I'm pretty sure she's just guessing where we should be goin'...

I'm wavin' Youkai Inconveniencer around like a flashlight as we move along the mountain side. The robot situation's not as bad as it _was_ , bu~t…

 _Thump! Thump! Thump!_

Another one 'a those green shockwave makin' _things_ with a big fossilized bone gear thing on its back hobbles out of the woods ahead, makin' straight for us.

I help out by pointing at it! "It's the tenth thing 'a it we've ever saw!" Aaa~h!

Lifting Hard Winter- which I'd lent her earlier- Genkan charges it with magical energy… a~nd-

 _Fwam!_ A big, cyan projectile is launched from it-

 _Fwash!_ It explodes into icy energy once it hits the big thing, freezing its flesh solid.

...Slowly, it starts to hobble along, despite its limbs being rigidly locked up.

Maria darts ahead of us, aiming her staff! " _Blizzard!_ "

 _Fwa~sh!_ She unleashes a shotgun spread of snowflakes at our enemy!

"Nn-gh-gh-gh…" It makes _some_ kinda noise as it tilts backward, flopping over-

 _Fwo-fwo-fwoo~sh!_ On expiration, it explodes into a buncha freakin'... _wind._

"Another one gone…" Maria lets out a breath.

Genkan drifts forward. "It came from ahead." ...A lot of things come from ahead, y'know. Freakin'...

We all run after her, except for Ha-chan, who _floats_.

Very quickly, we come to a big freakin'... metal plate, or something. The fog doesn't let us see much more, and my flashlight only does so much.

"What is this?" Genkan knocks on the metal.

"Metal." I educate her, smiling warmly…

...She turns to me, giving me a _stare_.

Maria starts moving around the side of it, her staff ready. I start movin' to make sure we're keepin' on the ups with her-

As we near the edge, a fairy bot comes from around the corner! "He-he-he! Hello-"

" _Fire!_ " Maria reacts on instinct!

 _Bam!_ ...The robot's head's blown off before it gets a chance to say much else.

Thunk. It fell over, yo-

 _SHING_

...After it collapsed, a huge fuck-off sword extended from its abdomen, stretching taller than Maria. "A-ah…!"

Freakin'... "You gotta look out, yo. The fairies're packin' heat…!"

"Ap- apparently…" Maria skirts around the robot cautiously…

"I'm warm!" Ha-chan hugs herself, before approaching me. Freakin'... aw.

Once we round the corner, we reach a big, wide open doorway. It's really plain and blocky, but also really shiny.

There's a slouching fairy before the door, with short orange hair and no wings. Hoh…

...Takin' out the Bawmber, I approach it beside Maria!

"Woah…" The orange-haired bot fairy mutters something, staring at the doorframe for some reason.

"Um…" Maria tries to talk with it, this time. "Hey."

"Woa~h…" Yes that is indeed a doorframe, robo-fairy.

"...Hey?" Maria tries again.

Staring down at the floor, the robot appears dejected. "Woah…"

…

Genkan sighs. "Truly riveting-"

" _Woah!_ " Springing up, it yells! " _Woahwoahwoahwoahwoah!_ " Floating into the air, it gravitates towards us-

 _Boom!_ I throw the Bawmber into it as it enlarges and expands! Fucking… what was _that!?_

Plap- splat, plap plap. Now there's an oily mess before us...

"Maybe we shouldn't try talking with them." Genkan neutrally assesses the success rate of our negotiations with the robot menace.

"...Yeah." Maria nods at that.

"I don't like robots…" Ha-chan emerges from behind me like a cuddlemuffin, for some reason. "They're messy, and not friendly..." They pretty much _are_ the antithesis of fairies.

Grabbin' my hanger as we navigate past the chemical ooze that came outta that one robot, I look inside. It's pretty freakin' dark, but also seemingly dimly lit…

...Oo~h. Once we actually get inside, things're a little more visible.

Wow. This place is a fucking dump!

Tables, shelves, and blocks of machinery sit all around this first room we've stepped into. Dust, dirt, and clumpy crap is piled in places and just kinda everywhere. There's a buncha inactive robots lying around in places, too.

The floor's some kinda white tile, but it's kinda beat up. They beat the floor the fuck up, dude. What'd the floor ever do to them!?

"...Marvelous." Genkan frowns at the condition of the place. "It seems we've stumbled into a ruin."

A ruin, huh. I guess you could call it that. Maria stares into the darkness of the hall ahead…

"I don't like it here." Ha-chan states rather bluntly. That's the first time that's happened…!

"We got a buncha' damn dirty _floor killers_ here, ladies…" I am brave enough to march forward! Genkan's pretty much right next ta me, though. "Everything else was fine, yo, but when they touched the floor tiles…"

In the next room i~s… ah. More crappy tables and dirt and dead robot friends. There's some boxes of sand in the corner, or something. Good.

We move through that room, and immediately end up in a room with a far more maintained grey floor. It's still dirty, but crap ain't scattered all over it like in the previous rooms.

Oh, man, this place has so many doors. It is the time for running around randomly like assholes!

Genkan observes this _thing_ in the corner of this room from a distance. "...What is that?"

It's a cylindrical device of some kind, with a big valve at the top. Mounted in the floor, really grey, and really old lookin'!

...I step towards it, promptin' Genkan ta do the same.

She drifts up to the machine- I think it's a machine- and grabs onto the big valve. "...Nn~gh!" Woah. _She_ can't even twist it…? How fuckin' tight is this valve, dude?

"...It's no good." She drifts back from it… "Stay back. I will attack it."

As one does with foreign technology! "Alright, yo…!"

"I don't think we should just break things…" Maria cautions us-

 _Kri~ng!_ Ice spi~ke! Freakin' popped it open like a can!

...As the ice blade spike thing retracts into the ground, we all meander towards the smashed open valve thing.

Inside is machinery. Machinery, and some kinda red, inky stuff. It's too fake-looking to be blood, but it's crimson, so it's still freakin' weird. There's like roller things mixing it around, too. They're pretty damn durable if they lived through Genkan's heavy physical attack, too...

 _Fwash!_ Genkan freezes it. Wahaha!

I punch the air! "Yeah! Fuck this ink batter mixer in particular!"

"...I feel accomplished." Genkan is pleased! "Let us proceed."

"We didn't even do anything…" Maria tries to rain on our parade, yo. "We just… broke something."

"And so we did a thing." Genkan knows what's up! "Forward." She drifts ahead of us, deeper into the freakin' abandoned complex. I like how property damage is okay if we don't know how powerful the owners are...

This time, we enter a _huge_ room. Yo~…

It is big, and there's big machinery around the place! Most of it's mounted to the walls, though. We're currently on a catwalk high above the floor of the room, made outta dinky-lookin' blue metal.

"Wa- wow…" Maria is amazed! "So big…"

 _Clack._

"Eeh!?" She flinches! Something went _clack_ in the dark!

"Sorry." Genkan apologizes. Oh, that was her sandals landing on the catwalk…

Damn, this place is quiet for a freakin' robot hell center. Especially 'cause we've just been gettin' _inundated_ with mooks on the way here…

We progress down the catwalk, moving deeper into the dark freakin'...

Putting away the Bawmber, I take Youkai Inconveniencer back out and shine it around! S'too dark!

...The catwalk bends left and into the wall, and we follow it into another room.

At first the hallway's just thin and dark, but it quickly opens up into a room-

 _Click!_ Holy shit! Everything's _lit_ now!

The unhealthy-looking florescent lights flicker to life, making the room we're in appear dim. They're also so economic they hardly light anything worth a damn. Normally I'd freakin' hate these lights, but this is the first time I've seen them in like, a month, so it's weirdly nostalgic...

Along the walls are big, steel canisters. They're not the asshole valve from the second room in; these are just like... wall mounted canisters. They look like they open down the middle, but I dunno how the frik you'd even.

"Let us blow one open, yo." We must destroy that which we do not understand! I point at a random canister. "Kill it, Genkan!"

She throws her arm up-

 _Krii- Crack!_

Wow. Her ice spell _broke_ against it. Those canisters are still bigger than us, too…

I hold my head! "It's the unkillable can!"

Genkan huffed. "These metals…"

...Actually, I gots an idea.

"Yo, Maria." Putting away Youkai Inconveniencer, I start takin' out Flame Salvo… "Let's cook this freakin' metal. Help, friend."

"Um…?" She dunno what I meant! "You- you want me to cast fire on it?"

I shake my head, moving towards the big tubby canister… "Nah, just pour mana into this hanger wit' me."

...She moves up to me, and puts her hands on the hanger as I aim the nozzle bit of it at the metal.

After some moments of her charging the hanger, I activate the flame part!

 _Fwoom!_ A gush of flames roars into the canister! After a moment, she regulates her mana output to keep it as a concentrated flame…

Genkan nodded at this… "Tell me when to apply cold air." Aw, she knows, yo.

...After we've heated it enough to make a spot glow, I make the announcements and things. "Alright, Maria. Let's roll back…"

"Alright." She backpedals with me, ceasing the hanger's mana flow.

Genkan holds an arm out towards the canister-

 _CRACK_

Ow, ears. Also, woa~h! That exterior just freakin' split open…!

 _Fwuu~sh_. Cyan liquid pours out of the interior, running over the grimey linked catwalk floor beneath us and dripping through the holes in it. In the room's dim atmosphere, it looks a lot more sickly than it probably is.

Raising both arms, Genkan focuses on the metal-

 _CRACK, CRACK, CRACK_ …

"Nnn~..." Ha-chan whined behind us, crouching down. "Ow, ow, ow…"

Genkan was basically prying the canister open by expanding ice in the midst of the tiny crack made in it by our temperature shenaniganry. Metal's thick!

"My ea~rs…" Maria is not having fun, either!

 _Bam!_ ...That final noise of the container's sides giving way was rather anticlimactic.

Fwuu~sh! All the cyan goop comes out! Aw…

Thud. Aah… is that a fairy? Yeah. A fairy just ragdolled out of the canister. She's buck naked, and her wings are curiously propped up behind her back rather unhealthily looking…

She's got blonde hair. In fact, she looks the exact same as that robot that came up to Nemuno's house.

"Aw…" I kneel down and look at the fairy. "We've found the pod people. They look soft, and pliable."

...After givin' me a funny look, Maria crouches, looking over the fairy too. "Is… is she alright?"

I'd reach out and touch her, but I don't really wanna interact with that cyan goop. Freakin'...

Ha-chan finally starts to stand again. "My- my head hurts…" Wazzap with her?

 _Thoom_. The doorway we came in through shut. I mean… we got Genkan, so we could probably mine through the metal or something eventually. S'not that intimidatin'!

"Now who might _you_ be?"

We all look up to a newcomer!

It's someone _stout_ , with blonde hair and a freakin' eye reticle thing. It might be a kappa! "I am service officer two hundred sixty-eight. This factory does not do _tours._ "

Maria speaks! "Um- we… we were just-"

I speak, too! "I'm service officer _sixty-nine_ , son. I came to inspect your fairy friends!"

...The maybe-a-kappa frowns, before pulling out- tha~t's a shotgun! "If that is _so~_ , then..." After sighting Ha-chan, the kappa lowers the shotgun it had aimed at us. "Oh. Nevermind. Are you one of the- rooting teams?" This guy likes to take weird pauses!

Maria's hiding behind her staff. "Ye- yes, yes!"

"Yeah, _yo._ " I point a finger at him! "I _told ya_ I was service officer sixty-nine! Y'freakin' boob!"

"Do not push your luck, _imbecile_." Service officer kappa man is not happy with us! "You should all be _honored_ \- to take part in our project. Not that you will have a _place-_ when it is done."

Genkan has observed enough to feel comfortable about being unreasonable again! "Your words are arrogant for a kappa. What are you after?"

Shaking his head, he turned around and moved forward. "Follow me, common youkai. I will escort you, and your _prize,_ to our holding facilities, and then you will be _shown_ the door." Aw. Good plan, yo. I've always wanted to see doors...

We follow the stuffy kappa service man through the room, leaving the freakin' nugget fairy we found behind.

The new room we've entered…

There's a lot going on!

In this room, green glowing vats of goo sit in the back. Oh, boy!

On the floor below the current catwalk we're on- which merely hugs one of the walls and doesn't go anywhere special- there's a buncha people and things.

What _looks_ like fairy maids, except they move far too orderly. They've also all got identical pink hair, so they definitely ain't legit!

Also, freakin'... weird-looking women with glowing cloaks and long pink hair. Dunno what that's about, but they're havin' the time of their freakin' lives down there! Look at 'em _dance-_ oh, right, word-based fiction. Sorry…!

I'm starting to get the feeling we may not supposed to be here!

"Hey, officer two thousand officer man!" I call out to officer man…!

The kappa huffs, looking over at us. "Wha~t?"

"What's big, and round, and big all over?" I quiz him, dude. Let's see his smarts!

...He just blinks at us. "What?"

Okay, noob. "What?" I ask of him!

"...Are you making _fun_ of me?" He sneers at us. "By my honor, I will have your organs _extracted_." Aw.

"Yes, I am making fun of you." I admit.

...Looking upset, he begins to draw his shotgun!

I put my arms up! "Dude- I can't help it! It's a medical condition!"

"Rr~gh…!" This dude's _mad!_ "The only _condition_ \- _you_ will be having, is-"

 _Fwa~sh!_ Genkan freezes him solid before he can do anything with that shotgun of his.

...Givin' her a grin, I start to march forward! What lies in the next room? If it's more catwalks, I'm just gonna freakin'... jump off and die, yo.

"He was annoying." Genkan justified her action as she moved in my wake, the other friends movin' in _her_ wake. Aw, trust me yo, you didn't need justification…!

We make it to room number whatever.

...It's the same as the last room, except there's a _staircase_ down into the clusterfuck of robot maids and weird cloak-clad ladies. And- oh, there's some new contenders this time, too.

One of the goo vats in the back of the room's slightly tilted, and the green shit's on the floor. Yeah, let's not ever get near that. Although, if we _do_ get cancer or something, I'm pretty sure Eirin could take care of it.

...After a moment of staring at it, I realize the green shit's _moving_ , too. Not gonna ask questions, just gonna keep goin'...!

...I turn to Genkan as we all assemble at the staircase. "I gave you that hanger for a reason, yo. Let's fight through!"

"Joy." She stares over the horde of freakin' noobs below us, doing their things. "How about we try _not_ aggravating them?"

...Shit. She's kinda got a point… except…!

I raise a finger! "Didn'cha say that wasn't gettin' us nowhere?"

"That was back when we ran into one or two at a time." She resolved. "...We've also somewhat breached enemy lines now, it seems."

This is true…

...To experiment, I took out that freakin' stupid book about fruit juice or whatever and tossed it into the crowd.

 _Cla~ng!_ It hit a robot fairy's head.

Instantly, she stopped, and lifted her arms at the nearest fellow robot fairy-

 _Click, click_. Her hands folded off, the wrists opening to reveal-

 _Patatatatat!_

They've got fucking _machine guns_ in their wrists, dude. Holy _shit!_

 _Cling-bam-clank-bam-pa~ng!_ The fairy maid that was shot into collapsed into a limp ragdoll of exposed machinery within moments.

The dancing cloaked whatever-the-hell girls all stopped dancing, looking over at the offending robot…

"Aa~h? Oh…"

"One of the robo-cuties went on the fritz again!"

"Aww~h. How lame…"

"I thought the things were fixed…"

Lots of voices, all at once!

...After some careful observation from up here, I've realized that that glob of goo that was moving was not just a glob of likely radioactive crap… but it looks like a slime girl, too! It's moving really slowly, though.

"Perhaps…" Looking along the ceiling, Genkan spots a catwalk on the opposite side of the level we're on. "I've an idea."

Maria's keepin' quiet, not really enthused about the idea of the robot menace below.

Ha-chan looks like she's about to pass out, or something! Considering they hold fairies in suspended animation here, it's probably something in the air or the mana or something.

Fwi-fwi-fwi-fwish. Genkan slowly, quietly generates an ice bridge from across this catwalk to the next…

"What… is that?" We're attracting attention from the weird pink-haired ladies below!

"Maybe it's a new type. Someone get the ID, please?" Aaa~h!

"...No signal!" Cover's blown, son!

 _Fwash!_ Genkan initializes the entire bridge in one moment, and starts whirling across it!

" _Go!_ " Maria almost screams the word as she leaps onto the bridge-

 _Thunk_. -and slips and falls on her face. "Onh…"

Ha-chan scrambles towards the bridge after a delay, and throws herself onto it. "Enh…"

Once on it, she accelerates forward with her flight, pulling herself- "Woah!" -and Maria along, once she grapples her.

I get on last, and start using Flame Salvo to usher myself along the ice…! Every time I hit the ice, it makes short-lived fire!

...Reaching the end of the glorified slip'n'slide, I-

"Oof…" I land on the friends who reached the end.

"Nnh." Ha-chan whines.

"Ow." Maria gets a boo-boo.

...Wait- woah what the fuck!? The cloaked thing chick girls- they _fly!_ They're flappin' their cloaks like bats! The _fuck!_

Double takin' at this, I whip to look at Genkan! "Yo- get us the fuck outta here!"

...That means you too, sleepy noobs!

Moving quickly, I freakin' start lugging Ha-chan as Maria gets up- oo~h! Genkan grabs onto me, and starts pulling me, which pulls Ha-chan, who pulls Maria-

Thud! Maria falls on her face, 'cause Ha-chan's just holding onto her ankle. " _Aah!_ "

Like this, Genkan just skids backward with zero direction! Wahoo~!

...Ahead of us, those cloaked girls make it onto the balcony we accessed, and start freakin' whirling after us. They look vampiric, but actual vampires are far faster.

As Genkan accelerates, we pass by a buncha freakin' weird ass machines, and more canisters, and freakin'...!

 _Woosh!_ We take a sharp turn!

"Eah…!" Maria lets out a strained noise as we get jerked along!

Ow- ow, arms. Ow oof my bones, yo.

So, yeah. We're just going crazy taxi down these freakin' spy tech corridors…

 _Woosh!_ Genkan flies _up_. What the fu~ck…! Dude- my arms are not built for this! They're not built for anything, but _especially_ not holding two people as I ascend! Aaargh!

...What- what're we even passing!? Catwalks!? I don't really give a shit…!

And then-

Bam- thud, bam! She casts us across the floor as we get to the top of whatever hell shaft we were ascending. "There…"

Dude, that's the last time I call an uber driver. My a~rms…! They burn!

Maria lets out a haunted sigh, lyin' on her side ahead of me. "O-... ow." Yeah, me too. Freakin'... like- this is the freakin' worst, yo. Not injured enough to justify using a potion, but just tuckered out enough to feel like total shit. S'always a hard time, son…

...Well, we're _somewhere_ , now. Aaw, there's even a little guard rail over the freakin' drop we just emerged from. Ain't that cute.

There's one door back from here, and there's, uh… there's a door across the pit, with a stranded balcony leadin' out from it. What, did the architects wanna emphasize this gorgeous view?

"I love me some _steel plated walls._ " I've had enough of this crappy factory! "Freakin'...!"

...Lu~mberin' off the floor, I stumble and mumble on over to the one door at the back of the room, and just kinda…

 _Swing_ it open! Yeah!

...Fog, mist. Roof access! Considering how up we went, that'd kinda figure.

I jog out into the air! Fresh air good for Brad!

Ha-chan's instantly outside with me. "Haa~h…!" She takes a deep breath!

...Scrambling outside with us, Maria holds her staff up. " _Fire!_ "

Fwoom. She lobs a fireball into the air, for some reason. Yeah, get 'em girl, get 'em!

Genkan takes a breath. "...I think I agree with Hana. The interior of this facility is awful."

…

Takin' a deep breath of the foggy air, I walk out onto the blank steel-plated roof. It's really reflective, for some reason.

"Yo, Genkan." I call for yuki-friend. "Ya still got Hard Winter, yeah?"

She does! Drifting over to me, she holds it up with one arm. "Would you like it back?"

"Nah, yo." I point at the floor. "I got an idea, yo. We're gonna drill into the roof!"

"...Okay." Genkan looks skeptical at first, but actually accepts the idea. "I feel as though heating the metal repeatedly might be too much."

Hrmm. If we can't chip away at it, maybe we can make a really fuckin' brutal explosion.

"Alright…" I rub my hands together, before takin' out the Bawmber. "We're gonna make _fat fairy_ , yo."

Ha-chan looks up at me! "...The whah?"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

It took some brainstorming, but…!

We got a block 'a ice mounted to the rooftop, with the Bawmber inside it. Fire is being fed into the floor beneath to heat it, and-

" _Fire!_ " Maria casts another fireball while simultaneously fueling Flame Salvo.

Fwam! The fireball hits the floor, too. Gettin' it up there!

Basically, it's like… we got a ball of ice with the bomb hanger in it, Genkan looming over it and about to hit it into the floor with the earth-ice hanger, and Maria heating the floor until it's able ta be shat on.

...We've also got freakin' ice blast shields, courtesy of Genkan.

"Alright, yo!" I give her the go-ahead! "Commence the boom!"

 _Crack!_ Genkan brings the ice hanger down on the orb-

 _FWAM_. It hits the floor, making a huge ice shockwave-

 _CRACK_

Fuck, me. Ears, help.

...Once the ringing stops, we see a small hole in the ceiling. It's not big, but it's a hole!

Genkan hovers over the hole. "I'll carry you in."

...Crawlin' out from around her blast shield with both the fire hanger and her staff still held, Maria sheepishly approaches the yuki-onna's arms. "Will it, um… really be oka- aah!" I push her into the embrace and leap at Genkan after her!

"Mmh…!" Maria's head is forced between the yuki-onna's breasts, due to me hugging onto Genkan for dear life!

...Sighing, she lowers us down into the factory. Ha-chan stands at the top restlessly, before leaping in after us.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...We land next to the broken chunk of ice holding my bomb hanger.

I deattach-

"Wawawa~...!" Maria almost immediately stumbles back from the yuki-onna's form, before hugging herself. "Aaah…" She doesn't seem to be chilled, just… flustered.

Ha-chan darts down next to me. "I wanna leave…" Something about the inside of this factory ain't agreein' with her…

Also, we're in the freakin' darkness again. Raah.

"Wazzap, Ha-chan?" I wanna know what's botherin' her. Lemme just, put away some of these hangers I've got out…

"It hurts to be in here…" She presses closer to me. "The fairies here hurt." Aah?

...Taking out Youkai Inconveniencer, I make it glow again. Let there be _light_ , yo.

We're currently standing on an inactive conveyor belt, apparently.

To our left is a pile of robot parts, hollow fairy-shaped head pieces mixed with various other ceramic and plastic body parts.

Before us there _is_ an active conveyor belt, however. Those tubby cyborg fairies are on it, being pushed along, seemingly unaware of our presence.

"Yo." I point at the conveyor belt. "Let's stop that belt, girls!" Property dama~ge!

 _Fwash!_ Genkan tries to freeze it with a wave of her hands, but just got ice all over the wheels.

Krik-crack-crack! It quickly got worked off by the belt's rotors. Freakin'...

"It's a little big." Maria restates the size! "I don't think we'll be able to just… freeze it."

I wonder where it goes, yo. Hmm…

Idea. "Genkan, freeze one of them so hard they become a block bigger than the belt… or just make a really long ice stick on the belt or something." This is like a freakin' puzzle game.

Fwi~sh. There we go, yo. Genkan's big icy stick!

...Yeah, that's too good of a phrase to let die. "Nice big icy stick, Genkan."

"...I suppose." She completely missed the innuendo! Maybe I'm just that much of a manchild, yo.

We watch Genkan's big icy stick slowly get confiscated by the conveyor belt. Where no big icy stick has gone before!

…

After a moment of tracing its path with my hanger-based flashlight, I see it stop up against a door on the far other side of the room.

The inactive cyborg fairies start colliding with it, starting to pile up at the door. Sabomatage successful! Sabatonmatage…?

While the freakin' action figures pile up, I leap onto the conveyor- ohp nope no I don't! Faster than anticipated, fuck that!

Genkan snorts. "Careful. If you fall, I'm pretty sure we couldn't find you." Those words aren't reassuring! The belts we're on _are_ in the freakin' air…

...While we're idle, the cyborgs pile up more 'n' more, and some start getting pushed off the belt and into the abyss below. Oh no.

"They've become nuggets, dude." I point out the physics problem!

"I don't feel good about this place…" Maria is understandably skittish about being in the pitch black asshole of a robot factory. "Somebody could just… get lost and die in here. No one would ever find them."

...Turnin' to her, I grin. "S'that so different from dying out in the woods?"

"At least the woods make the situation more hopeful!" Maria bites back! "...This is horrible." Yeah. This place is pretty much undistilled, objective machinery. If you die it's just 'cause you fell somewhere weird and it sucks to be you…!

...Hoh, shit. Ha-chan's crying, apparently. Now _I'm_ starting to get spooked by being in just black with only a pile of dead parts nearby...

"I can carry you two again." Genkan volunteers to carry us. "...Hana, fly behind me, okay?"

Ha-chan sniffs. "Ok- okay…"

Me 'n' Maria let ourselves get scooped up, and Genkan begins to hover us over towards where the robots're coming from…

Genkan's embrace at least is a nice contrast to all the freakin'... metal.

...Eventually, we come to a dip in the wall along the conveyor belt that leads to a like, glowing cyan scanner thing. It's really dimly lit, and the cyborgs are goin' through it.

To the right's a door, and since there's another door on the other side, it's a door around!

...The cyborgs are gaining the biological-looking bits from the cyan scanner. Yo ho ho~.

"Nnn~...!" Ha-chan sounds like she's undergoing nuclear fusion as she gets closer to it with us. She even lands on the balcony before the door into the subroom before us and just stumbles into the nearby wall. "Stop- stop…"

"Let's break this." Genkan is eager to destroy!

Oof. She unceremoniously plopped me and Maria down on the balcony, too…

She waves her arms out, and thrusts them upward-

 _Fwash!_ A coat of ice formed over the lit scanner gradient, before immediately crumbling apart. The ice bits that went through the scanner gained a fleshy coat, combined with some particles of rainbow-colored hair…

Ha-chan shuddered despite not even seeing it happen. "O- ooh…"

Walkin' up to the door, I open it-... oh. Shit's _locked_. Who the hell locks their shit in the ass crack of a factory?

Knock knock, son.

…

Another reticle-eyed fella swings the door open. She's as short as the last dude, and she's also got blonde hair and… seems to be chewing bubblegum. Kappa have that? "Mmm?" She stares up at me with a bored expression.

"I'm the sheriff, _son_." I am also like, two feet taller than you. "I'm here to fuck you."

…

Still looking bored, she takes out a shotgun similar to that last guy's. "Ka~y."

I hold up my hands! "Yo yo- just kidding, just kidding! It's uh, me. Service officer sixty-nine!"

...She lowers her shotgun. "Pussy. What's up?" Freakin'... you'd think me not being a kappa would give me away, but maybe we missed something.

"I was sent here…" Choosing my words carefully! "To inspect! Some of our latest big guys, they uh… they've got the _cancer_ , dude."

As she steps inside, I put away Youkai Inconveniencer. The interior is lit and stuff, albeit dimly.

"Haha~." She lets out a dry laugh as she moves back to her control panel. "Cool. It only figures. Isn't that, like, kind of the point, too…?"

I shake my head. "No. Dude, there's a scanner that gives them cancer later. This scanner gives them the wrong cancer."

"The wrong cancer…?" She might detect my bullshit…! "Ah, fuck it. I dunno~. Do whatever."

Plopping down into her swivel chair, she lets herself relax in it and spins to the side… "Don't touch me or I'll blow your head o~ff. Do whatever else you want."

You don't even have boobs. Anyway…

 _Fwash!_ Sounds like Genkan tried to freeze the scanner outside again.

...The kappa girl pauses, hearing this. "What's that?"

I turn to her, my eyes widening. "The _cancer._ "

Her eyes widen, too…! "Oh, fuck. Wrong type of cancer, alright…"

Wahoho! Alright, yo…

I loom over the control panel! And, uh… it's a panel that controls, alright. I don't know what the fuck any 'a this is supposed to do.

Whelp, whatever! Time to push buttons!

Glancing back at the kappa girl, I see she's half-watching me. Hrrm. If only she didn't have a freakin' shotgun on her… shit's intimidatin'!

While I look like a scatterbrained idiot at the controls, I probe the kappa's brain a bit! "So, what's your service number, yo~?"

"Fuck you." Oh. Yeah, that's a good number. "...I guess I'll throw a bone. Seventeen thirty-seven."

You know… "That's as if there was two thousand of us or something." I quip, despite not knowing if the service numbers are like… real numbers.

She snorts. "Ri~ght? Two thousand _robots_ , maybe." ...So, they _don't_ have two thousand kappa. This is good!

"How many of us were there, again?" I question. "...Ya can tell I'm not a kappa and all, so like-"

"Like… five or seven kappa. Something." She lazily waves an arm about, spinning around on her chair once… "Probably random youkai like you, too. Weird stuff."

Hoh. Cool, cool… so we're competing with some _assholes._

Yo! I just realized, I could- oh, nope. I was considering pouring water from Deep Blue all over the controls, but if this is a kappa-made factory… yeah.

...I could try concentrating danmaku into a single button until it causes a miniature explosion. Maybe not. Freakin'...!

"Hold on, need my maintenance key…" I give myself a reason to step out. "Think I left it outside with the _stupid_ equipment."

"Aah, sure." The kappa girl's none the wiser, yo…

...Stepping outside, I look around.

Ha-chan's balled up in the corner with Maria comforting her, and Genkan's glaring at the scanner thing.

Wait, actually…!

Taking out the Bawmber, I walk back inside! "Got the key!" I got the perfect excuse!

Lazily, she looks over at me. "Aah…" Freakin'...

Steppin' up to the console, I hold the hanger carefully over a random key… lift it, and then-

 _Boom!_ Wahaha!

I allow myself to stumble back as if the blast hurt me more than it did, throwing the hanger into the air as I retreated from the console-

 _Boom!_ As it fell back down, it exploded again!

"What the _fuck!?_ " She sprang up from her chair! "What'd you _do!?_ "

"Dude- ow! Fuck!" I hug my arm to me as if I got injured badly! "Oww~...! Ow!"

Lookin' between me and the console, she starts glaring…! "You _dumbass!_ You _broke it!_ "

...Maria and Genkan are in the doorway, 'cause they heard me yelling! I look over at them, before quickly lookin' back at the kappa...

I hold up my 'good arm'. "Dude- I didn't know! They made it wrong- I didn't know!"

...Slowly, she starts to take out that shotgun from her back. "If _I'm_ gonna get fucked for this..." She starts to aim it at me…!

 _Fwa~sh!_

...Genkan has freezed her. Christ. Enemies with guns are pretty damn intimidating!

The console seems to be kaput. The monitors above it are all red or blue screen of death now, and some of them are cracked.

Movin' up to the door to the other side of the scanner, I jiggle the handle before swinging it open.

...Ah, yeah yo. Scanner disabled!

Genkan comes from the door behind me. "Are you alright?" Hoh.

I wave my arms about. "Ye. Had to make it not look like my fault, yo."

"...I see." Genkan states, despite it being nearly pitch black without Youkai Inconveniencer out. You lie!

Maria catches up with us! "Are- are you okay!?"

I shake my head. "No. They got me, dude."

…

She takes a pretend swing at me with her staff, which I lean outta the way of. "Wh- what was that, then…?"

"Skills to pay the bills, dude." That reminds me...

I start to move back into the room, before seein' that Ha-chan's moved through it to navigate to us.

"Yo ho ho." I greet the cuddle fairy. "You good?"

"Yeah…" She looks a little better! "Stuff still hurts. I'm okay, though…"

Hmm. We could use her as a compass to find more scanner things and production line bits, but manually dismantling and shitting on this factory would take forever. We gotta go right to the _top_ , yo.

Looking around this new balcony, I see this big new room we're exposed to…

Dim green lights seem to be illuminating random spots on systematically placed metal columns ahead. There's also some on the floor of the room, which is way, way, way down… and we can also see the forms of inactive robo-fairies lying in wait, apparently.

...Oh, hoh! There's a metal platform nearby with some of them on it, as well. These ones have freakin' stoopid _jet wings_ attached to their sides and asses, green ones in accordance with their minimalistic, metallic uniforms. Is this like, the big shebang? What is this?

...There's a little door lit up with warm orange lighting some distance away. I point at it. "Genkan, friend. Ya see that _light?_ "

"...Indeed." The _one_ time you coulda said 'I see', and you don't! "Do you want me to take you there?"

"Ye." I hold out my arms!

...Awkwardly, Maria moves to grab onto me-

-and then Genkan lifts us! Ho ho…

We float up towards the door, moving past the really big steel pillars and foreign lights. Ha-chan's right behind us, not opposed to heading towards our next location…

...After a moment of flight, we reach the door. It only has a platform before it and no guard rails, so we gotta be anal about our landing.

...Deliberately, Genkan places us on the platform. "Here. My arms are getting tired…"

A little over-cautiously, I move to the door. It's got one of those bar things you press to open it, which is weird but okay…

Crrea~k. Metallic creaking!

...Inside, the room has no lighting but that of like, four screens. That's like my room when I was back at home yo, minus three of the screens! And the screen size…!

The four screens we see are mounted to the walls.

On each of them, a heroine is displayed. From left to right: Reimu, Marisa, Sakuya, and Youmu. Apparently Sakuya chose to care about the robots after all! They just seem to be floating in mist, tossing things and having brief skirmishes with noobs…

The picture doesn't come in the best, but I can tell it's them! Aw. Gensokyo TV, dude.

"Room servi~ce!" I call out in case anyone's here. The light of the screens makes the room bright enough to generally see things. There's no dim ceiling lights, but there are dark panels on the walls for some reason. They might be windows, but I can't tell if that's stuff inside 'em or if they're just really messy…

At the front of the room, there's cords for the screens! That's… about it. Also, a person.

"Yo~!" I call out to the person sitting in the middle of freakin' featureless steel tiles. "Service officer _sixty-nine_ , here to spread peace to fairykind!" Air hump! Enh, enh, enh!

...Genkan stares me down. "Convincing."

The individual turns to me, making me realize the back of their head was bobby, short blue hair. Instead of a face… they had a mask on! A _tiki-like_ mask!

Rustic, wooden brown- the mask had five seemingly randomly placed holes on it, each lit up with amber light, as if the thing wearing it had randomly placed eyes. The bottom had a teeth-like design, while the rest was just curvy wood.

"Yo ho ho~!" I wave at our perp! "Boss man! How ya doin', man…?"

"Oh!" The masked girl jerks her head back! "Not too bad, ah? How's about yourself?"

"The world of Gensokyo sucks _balls_ now, now that no one is allowed to bo~ne!" I begin my proposition!

Turning to Genkan, I point at her rear. "We've come from the past, to introduce you to _a~ss!_ " Danny Sexbang's lyrics have never failed me before!

…

I receive no response. Genkan's giving me a jaded expression, and Maria's previous fearfulness became dry astonishment.

"...How's about… yourself?" The kappa tries again, pretending my previous episode didn't exist.

"Oo~h, just, y'know…" I smile at her, noddin'. "Killin' fairies, smokin' whizz, doin' _cohke_ , drinkin' beers. Drinkin' beers, beers, beers, beers…!" I start snappin' my fingers!

…

Yeah, I think I overdid it.

After a moment of non-response, there was response! "Good! You see, I was just waiting for them…" Tiki-girl gestures to the screen. "Are you here for employment? Because you're hired!"

Yo~! I rub my hands together! "Aw, cool! What're our options, yo!?"

...Maria and Genkan just look at one another. Wahaha!

"Bomb testing, mutilation testing, and expendables!" Boss girl offers us positions.

Daa~h. "...What's bomb testing like?" That sounds the most appealing out of the three.

"You sit in a room and get blown up." Masked girl nods. "It's a lot of fun. Really!"

Good. Sounds like a fun job. "...So what's uh, mutilation testing like?"

"You sit in a room and get blown up." Masked girl nods, again.

Freakin'... "No doin' _cohke_ or drinkin' beers?" Say it ain't so!

"There's this yellow flakey stuff the natural mana compressor fuel pools build up every twenty minutes." The girl informs us. "I wanna make someone eat it." ...That doesn't sound like hard drugs, yo. That sounds like freakin'...

I hold up my arms. "Alright, alright, yo. What's an _expendable_."

Holding up her hand- which has thick green gloves on- she points at the door. "You go outside, and ah, wait for the nature girls to show up. Then you sit in that room and get blown up."

I think she's tryin'a tell us somethin' here...

Genkan floats into the air a little, tryin' to be intimidatin'! "We ask that you shut down this operation. You're harming nature, and disturbing the peace."

The girl jerks her head back, her mask rotating on her face curiously. "Disturbing the peace? In Gensokyo? Hahaha~!"

"...Disturbing _my_ peace, at least." Genkan gets personal! "Among others."

"There is no peace." Masked girl counters bluntly, before turning back to the screen. "...I'm restless, you know?"

"Yeah." I nod, as if I knew. "And I'm rest _ed_ , yo. And I'm 'onna put this factory ta rest!" Yo~!

Pivoting back around, the girl points at me! "You're under arrest!"

"Not without an armrest!" Must keep rhyme going…!

"Give it a rest." Genkan shuts us down while still keeping up with the rhyme. She reused a _word_ , though…

...Slouching over, the masked girl appeared dejected. "No fun. No fun…"

"As it should be." Genkan drifts forward, arms ready to insta-freeze. "Someone who disturbs others should only expect hardship. It's consequence."

" _Con_ sequence." Masked friend counters! "...But, yeah. It's not like I didn't expect angry people by no~w…"

"Then say no more." Arms whirling with frosty energy, Genkan reels them back…! "This incident-"

"I'm sure you understand." I'm just gonna assume this masked girl's a kappa. 'Cause like… who else builds fuck off factories in the middle of nowhere with ready ease? "...A week from now, it-"

 _Fwa~sh!_ The kappa girl is frozen solid, her mask's lights still shining through the ice, giving it an orange tint.

...Hoh. Well, I guess that's mission completed!

"Done and done." Nodding, Genkan floats down onto her sandals. "As anticipated."

...

Maria asks the good question. "What do we do with her…?"

...That _is_ a good question-

Zap-zap, zap zap zap…

The ice she's trapped in is now crackling with electricity. Apparently it ain't over yet, folks…!

 _Fwoom!_ The ice catches on fire, too.

Cr-crack! It's breakin' rapidly…!

"Hrrm." Genkan impatiently hums. "It would be easier if she simply submitted. Why persist?"

"I dunno, yo." Speaking time! "Maybe she knows somethin' we don't…!"

Ha-chan speaks up for the first time in awhile. "I'm dizzy…" A~nd it's not good news. Help.

 _Crack!_

The ice collapses in chunks, the kappa girl floating out of it awkwardly. "Hehehe~!" It's almost like her mask's doing the floating, and her body's just along for the ride…

Her body stops being limp, and she casts her arms to her sides-

 _Fwoom! Fwoom!_ To our left and right, the previously unlit wall panels light up with bright orange color. They're actually windows... and inside is _fire_ , yo.

Two small rooms are behind each heavy panel of glass, filled with charred, half-melted, smashed fairy-styled robots, among others.

...On the upside, the room is now well lit! Heavy amber light flickers and dances across the steel room, casting everything in warm colors.

Hanging lower in the air, the kappa bobs about, letting her arms dangle. "...You didn't freeze me good enough."

"I won't make that mistake again." Genkan's ready ta roll…!

"Hehehe~..." Shaking her head, the kappa looks down at us. "Come on. You know why I do what I do. Or, are you younger than I give you credit for?" She seems ta be speakin' to Genkan directly. "...I know _I'm_ naive."

"I don't really care." Genkan admits! "Being assaulted by robots is cumbersome." Yeah, yo.

...Slowly, the kappa surveys the rest of us.

"You all just wandered in here, huh?" She tilts her head! "Let me see how your minds compare to mine." He~y, now. Them's fightin' words!

…

Unfurling her fans, Genkan floats forward-

 _Krii~ng!_

...That was _not_ the sound of an ice spike being erupted!

Genkan twirled to the left, avoiding a large, metal-pronged wire shaft that erupted from under a steel tile.

As quick as it sprung up, it retreated, the tile clicking into place neatly above it as it descended.

 _Click, click!_ From beneath the televisions that displayed the heroines at work, two similar wire tentacles came out, although their shafts were sturdier than the one that lunged at Genkan from the floor. Comprised of thick, black cord masses.

And- man, those are some big fucking wire tentacles. About as wide as three or four of me…!

 _Shu-shu-shunk!_ The kappa's gloved fingers suddenly became like, weird blue and purple striped crystal appendages. "...I have an observation to share." Oh, good. You gonna shove those things into our retinas…!?

"Nnn…" Maria holds her staff tightly!

Her nervousness reminds me of how uh, unbalanced this matchup probably is…! I'm like ninety percent certain only Genkan can fuck with the tentacle things, and I dunno what level the kappa girl's even _on_.

On the _other_ hand, Genkan has zero healing items. You know who has healing items out the ass? That's right, yo: all the otherwise useless party members!

Floating towards the kappa, Genkan swings an arm up-

 _Krii~ng!_ A blade of ice erupts into the leftmost wire tendril, cutting into it but not demolishing it.

" _Fire!_ " Maria aims her staff at the tendril, and shoots a fireball!

 _Fwam!_ Tha~t… did literally nothing. No effect. Not even a scorch mark. "...A-aah…" I know your pain, Maria!

Let's see, what can _I_ do? I'm gonna pull out Deep Blue and try to back up Genkan with some water magic. Gotta be careful not to wet myself, how much you wanna bet these assholes got electric up their sleeves? I should've worn my space suit…!

"Hah…" Ha-chan lets out a sigh.

 _Woosh!_ Genkan whirls over the kappa, a slice of icy air accenting a swing of her arms!

The kappa dips beneath the slash, and throws an arm-

 _Fwa-fwa-fwam!_ Oh geez, it's an enemy that actually follows danmaku rules. We sure bit off a big one, huh…!

Genkan's struck by some revolving arrows of dark blue danmaku. Some navy energy runs along her form, but she doesn't seem to acknowledge it…

 _Crack!_ The tendril she attacked earlier rises way up into the air, smashing the big ice blade that got in its way…

...That thing's poised to fall around over here! Maria's not really watching it for _some reason_ so I just kinda~...

"Fucking _move!_ " Yell into her ear!

" _Aaa~h!_ " Yelling, she fucking moves! I move, too!

As we run to the side-

 _THOOM_

The tree trunk sized wire tendril comes down behind us, striking the ground powerfully. Whelp, if that hits us once, we're pretty much one hundred percent _fucked_.

...As it retracts, the second tendril moves, quickly sliding up between us and the wall we moved near. Cool.

Then, it moves to the left-

 _Wham!_ A~nd it slides into us holy fucking shit-

 _Thud_. We roll to a stop as it pushes us out of its swing radius.

"Ahn…" Maria goes oof next to me. Yeah, oof. Not terrible, but that was unpleasant!

...With that, the tendril retracts. It's our turn now, yo!

Pullin' out Deep Blue- freakin' Genkan still has Hard Winter- I, hmm. Unless I can get Maria to make it shoot aimed streams or cast bubbles or something, this might not be so useful after all.

Doing a short leap, Maria thrusts her staff into the air! " _Thunder!_ "

Zap-zap, zap zap zap!

It strikes both the tendrils. Nothing was accomplished!

 _Zap!_ " _Ehehehe~!_ " Kappa girl was not hurt by it-

 _Fwam!_ -but briefly immobilized, allowing Genkan to aim Hard Winter into her face and unleash a concentrated splash of cyan danmaku.

"Nnh…" The amazing flying kappa girl is sent sprawling in the air from the blow!

Immediately, Genkan floats after her to follow up-

 _Fwii~r!_ One of the kappa's finger _things_ comes off, homing onto the yuki-onna's form-

 _Baa~m!_ It explodes powerfully, enough to nearly throw _me and Maria_ off balance, but the blast seems to be mostly knockback based. As such, Genkan is also sent soaring, but doesn't look very different!

"Aah…!" She flails wildly as she makes for the sturdy glass wall!

...Ha-chan's just kinda floating in the air. She got up there avoiding the tendrils that were beating on us, but then she just kinda hung there.

"All my life…" Kappa maniac speaks! But first, she takes a breath… "Progress is stifled so readily."

Oo~h crap, the rightmost tendril's rising up to slap down on us now…

"A-aah…" Maria runs to the left with me-

 _THOOM_. Yeah, that happened again-

 _WHAM_

Maria's sent hurtling into the wall behind us by a thrust from the leftmost tendril, before rolling to a stop, her staff sliding across the floor far away from her. Uhm, oh shit…!

As the tendrils retract, the kappa speaks. "The most infuriating thing… is that everyone is okay with it. Complacency has been instilled in us." Not really listening! Runnin' on over to Maria…!

Genkan's got a fan in one hand, and Hard Winter in the other, thrusting through the air towards the kappa…!

 _Krii~ng!_ A thinner tendril erupts from the floor beneath Genkan-

 _Bam!_ Oh, that _hit_ her!?

 _Thud!_ That was not Genkan hitting the floor, that was Genkan hitting the _ceiling_. Woah, shit…!

She's still floatin', though. "Nn~gh…"

Reachin' Maria, I crouch down and roll her over, since she's kinda just zonked.

"Nn…" She whines a little, so she lives! Her arms're really red-... well actually everything's really red. I grab her arm-

"Ow ow ow…" Oh, fuck. Potion time then, I guess…! Reachin into my bag, I take out a health potion. Little stunned that I gotta use this so readily, but freakin'... that's why I packed _seven_.

...Floating into the midst of the room, the kappa waves her arms. "No one seems to care how this world limits our pursuits. We do the same projects over, and over, and over again…"

Cla-cla-clack-clack! Four slots open at the corners of the room, and magnets come out! They aim at the general center of the room-

 _Fwaa~sh!_ Blue staticy stuff is everywhere, and I feel slightly tingly, but nothing much else happens.

 _Thud_. Genkan drops out of the air, landing on her stomach. "Gahk…" From quite high up, too. What the fuck…?

Thud. Ha-chan collapses, unconscious.

I- woaa~h. Lightheaded, not goo~d.

As I feed Maria her potion, I feel the lightheadedness go away. Oh- now it's a headache. Yeah, that's fine…

"A-ah…" Taking the bottle out of Maria's mouth, I let her slowly sit up… "Ma- mana…" Wat.

Vhii~r. The magnets recede into the floor after they did their things to us…

...Am I the only person up right now? Oh, good.

Standing up, I hold up Deep Blue offensively as Maria slowly rises…!

...One of the tendrils is movin' to point at me.

...Shovin' Deep Blue down my kimono for now, I pull out the Bawmber, and-

 _Bam!_ Hit the floor! Oo~w!

 _Woosh!_ Felt the fucking wind off that tendril-

 _Thud_. Fuck, hit the glass wall…

Thud. Hi floor. This town's only big enough for one of us…! Deep Blue being in my clothes didn't make this any less painful, either!

" _Genkan!_ " Maria yells out the yuki-onna's name, before throwin' up somethin' into the air-

 _Fwi-fwi-fwi~sh!_ Three golden drops splash onto Genkan's form. Seconds later, she freakin' springs off the floor abruptly…

Hoh. I think Maria just popped an Elixir-

 _THOOM_

That struck somewhere to my right! Since I'm hugging the left wall… that's a lot of places, son.

...I look after it recedes. Maria is thankfully not a pancake, which is good.

 _Krii~ng!_ _Krii~ng! Krii~ng!_ Genkan unleashes triple glacier blades onto the enemies!

 _SHINK_

The leftmost wire tendril is severed from its base, sparks dancing out once it is detached.

The second ice blade was somewhere under the floating kappa, so it was essentially useless. Another ice blade had landed a rather unimpressive hit on the right tendril...

...As they all retracted, the kappa spins about-

 _Fwa-fwa-fwam!_ The room's flooded with navy blue orbs that move in an atom-like fashion. Holy fucking…

"Whenever we make true, new accomplishments, there is intervention." The kappa talks as she spins, projecting her voice to a lotta different angles! "Powers have involved themselves in our activities for some time, and to advance, we must rout them out."

As nice as your sob story is, we're dyin' ova' here! These danmaku orbs somehow make my headache worse when they hit me…!

"I'm..." Maria stumbles on her legs. "Out- out of mana…" Eyes low, she starts to take out a mana potion. How'd she get out of mana…? I-...

Those magnets. Those fucking magnets drained us of our mana!

...The last remaining tendril is rising into the a~ir!

Maria's busy guzzling her potion. Oh, fuck…

Grabbing her by like a leg, I hit the floor with my bomb hanger-

 _Boom!_ The blast does not give us the air I wanted! We also went in like the worst direction- freakin'-

Thu-thud. Floor-

 _THOOM_. Okay, I didn't die. This is good-

" _Aa- aaa~h!_ " Maria doesn't sound dead! Good enough, I think…

...The tendril retracts, dragging itself across the plated floor-

" _Aah- A- Aaa~h!_ " Uu~h, Maria?

 _Fwash- fwam!_ Stuff happens behind me, but I'm runnin' up to see how Maria's doin'-

Oh, wow. Potion time, I think! That arm… has seen better days! Like…

"Aa- aah…" Maria whines on the floor. Sounds like she's crying. "Mo- Mom…" Woah. You're not beat up that bad I don't think, c'mon now…

Poppin' the cork offa' another potion, I kneel down and plop it into Maria's mouth. "Here, yo. Big moomi's here to take care of ya."

"Nn- nnh…" She sobs as she downs the potion, eyes uneven. "Nn- _Nhn!_ "

Kri- _crack!_ As her arm starts snapping back into place, the fun stuff happens. I don't _think_ I'm gonna watch…

 _Fwa~sh!_ Oh, looks like the asshole kappa got frozen again. Let's see how long that lasts-

Cra~ck! She's free pretty much the moment the ice hits the floor-

 _Krii~ng!_ Genkan combo'd her with another heavy thrust from an ice spike!

"Guah…!" That kappa's made of freakin' silly putty or some shit to be okay with getting launched by that! Well, by 'okay' I mean 'didn't get freakin' impaled'.

Krik- krik… Maria's arm bones finish clicking into place.

I look over at her. "Yo, you good?"

...She's still sitting there, shaking, staring into space with a drained look. Damn.

"Those powers…" The kappa speaks as she stabilizes in the upper airspace of the room. "They're coming for me. To move forward, we must first take nature and spectate its absence. I cannot die." Oo~kay!

" _Polarity Sign_ ," O~h no no no. Can't we just do non-spells only…!? "Gauss' Flux Theorem!"

As she begins to glow, that freakin' tendril rises into the air again…

"We gotta move." C'mon, Maria-

Woah! Jumpy like a cat! She got right the hell on outta dodge! I lag behind her-

 _THOOM._ -and the thing comes down well behind me. Jesus…

 _Fwoom!_ The kappa darts across the upper airspace of the room, a blue orb surrounding her-

Kri-kri-kri-kri-kri~ng! Tiny spikes of wires and metal roar up from the ground beneath her, apparently magnetized out of the floor.

"Ah…!" Maria's separated from me by the spikes!

...Some magnet elemental danmaku comes down from above too, but- ow fuck- who gives a -ow- shit…!

 _Fwam, fwam, fwam!_ Swinging Hard Winter around, Genkan hurls freakin' _icicle torpedos_ up into the air after the kappa. Shove a missile up her ass, yo…!

 _Fwoom!_ The kappa thrust herself through the air again-

Kri-kri-kri-kri-kri~ng! More tiny spikes of wire and metal thrust up, lurching twelve feet in the air from floor's covered slots-

"Hnn~..." Genkan gets scraped by a few, causing her to briefly lose focus and just kinda drift away from them. Then, she sights the big asshole tendril that's been giving me and Maria a tough time-

 _Krii~ng!_ She pierces the midst of it with a wave of her hands!

...The kappa brings her arms together, aiming down at Genkan-

 _Vr-Fwam!_

Woah! Thin yellow beam plowed right into her-

 _Bam!_ Genkan is thrown violently against the floor, _bouncing_ off of it. Holy crap!

"Gen- _Genkan!_ " Maria instantly goes for one of her own potions right as I do, but I let her do the healing 'cause she called dibs…

While she does the tossy-tossy quick cast, I look up, watching the kappa as it stays close to the roof. Freakin'... magnet elemental thing!

 _Crack!_ The big tubby wire tentacle breaks free of the ice blade piercing it, rising into the air…

Genkan starts to rise as the potion's effects settle into her, even if her form's still charged with danmaku energy.

"Look out!" Maria calls from the sidelines!

Genkan looks up at the tendril as it roars down towards her-

 _KASHINK_

...She shielded herself with a ground-based glacier blade, which cleaved the big wire mess in two as it came down over her.

"That power…" The kappa wants to be a yuki-onna now! "Such incredible power." ...Honestly, if you can't handle one yuki-onna and some chucklefuck healers, I don't think you coulda taken the heroines.

...Looking over at me, Maria huffs. "I- I need a- a weapon…"

Oh? Sure…

Reaching into my bag, I take out Flame Salvo and lend it to her.

Instantly, she points it up at the sky. " _Fire!_ "

 _Fwoom!_ The kappa slides through the air again, the tiles beneath her torn up by her magnetic powers-

 _Fwam!_ Maria's dinky fireball homed in on her and booped her.

"Ah…!" It caused her to flinch?

 _Bam!_ This vulnerability allowed one of Genkan's frosty rockets to collide with her side. "Agu~h…!"

"Fi- fire!" Yeah, shell 'er, girl! Repay that arm debt!

Genkan floats up towards the kappa as she prepares to thrust away again-

 _Fwam!_ Maria's fireball makes the kappa flinch again! "Nnh!"

Once up there, Genkan thrusts herself into the magnet orb and grapples her. "You…!"

 _Fwa~sh!_ Genkan freezes both herself and the kappa solid.

...The two hurtle down. As Genkan falls, though, her movements betray that she's not _frozen_ -frozen. Why _wouldn't_ a yuki-onna have freezing resist?

 _Cra~ck!_ As the ice hits the ground, the kappa breaks free. "We'll see if you are above-"

" _Deep freeze!_ " Leaping, Maria swings the hanger-

 _Fwi- Fwi~sh!_ She launches that shotgun spread of snowflakes at the kappa, causing her to shield herself with her arms. "Hua~h…"

Cra~ck. Genkan's psuedo-frozen icy form collides with the floor, all the ice spreading out and sliding away as her body lands hard against the metal. "Ouh!"

Reeling back the Bawmber, I chuck it at the kappa due to the proximity!

The kappa begins to look over us with her masked face, before trying her line again. "We shall see if you are-"

 _Boom!_ "Gr~h…!" She's sent sliding back in the air from the blast!

" _Fire!_ " Maria's gettin' in them hits, though!

Clack, clack… Limply floating into the air, Genkan lets Hard Winter drop from her arms as she accelerates towards the kappa.

Fwam! The fireball's hit makes the kappa stagger in the air again as she tries to focus on the yuki-onna. "Ghn…"

...Genkan drops from the air as she nears, forced to resort to running. Oh, right, she was in that magnet orb! She's outta mana!

"Yo!" Reaching into my bag, I fumble for a mana potion, pop the cork, and freakin' lob it up…

The quick cast activates, the contents appearing over her and splashing into her-

 _Krii~ng!_

 _Fu~ck!_ That upward tendril of pain… launched _me!_

" _Brad!_ " Maria drops Flame Salvo and begins running after me-

Oo~h, freakin'... air time.

 _Krii~ng!_ Stuff is smashing somewhere else! Falling kinda makes it hard to describe things-

 _Thud_. " _Ahn!_ " ...Maria breaks my fall, and we end up in a pile. "Ou- ouch…"

Whelp, everything hurts. I'm just… gonna lie here. Try and chug a potion…

...There. Got it out-

Maria shifts from under me, trying to work a potion to my face. Did we have the same idea…? Shouldn't you be using that on _yourself?_

...After a moment, we've sorted ourselves out and healed up, and start to get back up.

Genkan steps over to us calmly, her kimono ripped all over and body bloody. In her right arm she holds up the kappa by the back of her hair, and in her left she holds the mask she used to wear.

The kappa… is now unconscious.

Holy shit. Did we, like… do it? Did we actually solve an incident? What do we do now?

"It…" Maria almost falls backwards, but corrects her posture. "We won?"

"Mmm." Genkan nods, face tired and tone less monotone than usual. "It's… done."

...She's missing a sandal. Freakin'...

…

Lookin' at the television screens, I- uh, huh. The heroines are in the factory, it looks like. Well, won't they be in for a surprise?

...If they attack us just 'cause we're here, we're nine degrees of fucked. Still, I wanna rub it in their face how we clobbered this noob. Even if she turns out to be a like stage five boss, I'd be happy with that.

...

Maria sits down. "Wo- wow…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Hmm. Heroines are not here yet; I'm trying to futz with the TVs in here, right now…

Genkan's seated nearby, the kappa held loosely but securely in her embrace. "We need a way to turn off this factory." ...The kappa's not frozen, either! I'm pretty sure she can choose whether or not she puts a girl's body on the wall with her hugs!

I'm kinda hoping there's a kill switch in these cable cords or somethin'... y'know, where the evil bad guys usually put their self-destruct buttons and landlines for the entire factory's electric supply: their direct-TV cords!

Maria dragged Ha-chan up to where we are earlier, and is near her. She tried feeding her a health potion, but it didn't help much. "Hana needs help, I think…"

"It's probably the doohickies they got in here." I restate the likely obvious! "...There's probably a power room somewhere. I'm hopin' the big hero girls thrash the place when they get here."

...I'd trash these TV cords, but the direct-to-heroine pay-per-view event's fun, yo. Speaking of them, they're currently just flying together through that one room with the barely lit pillars we were in earlier. Nothin's engaging them; the robots were probably supposed to be on the kappa's command. Whoops!

Genkan exhales, exhaustion setting in. "That fight... was more than I expected." Trailing off, she looks over at the cords, away from the party. "I thought I was going to die. When I fell, my mana drained, unable to move..."

"I- I didn't think I was going to use my arm again…" Maria articulated her previously crushed arm, before shivering. "God…"

I was relatively disconnected until we started getting our asses kicked. Those freakin' big cables, yo.

...Those robots're still burning to our left and right, although the flames are starting to dim, so the room's just got this soft amber fireplace aesthetic goin' on.

"We have managed… to not die!" I stre~tch! Ow. "Oof…"

"...If we ever do something like this again," Genkan looks us over, "you two will need more attack options. Or, if not that, defense options."

Maria fluffs up! "We- well, I… yeah."

I almost fluff up too, but yeah. When it comes to projectile-based combat, I am shi~t outta luck!

…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

 _Bam!_

The door in the back of the room slams open! We hear the rapid clackin' of shoes as the heroines start to invade! ...They're also greeted by the half-mangled, wire-filled battlefield.

"Woa~h…" Marisa's here! The instant she gets through the door, she hops onto her broom. "Check this place out! S'even worse than my room!"

...Youmu moves through the door, running up to a wall of metal spikes and wires that're partially obstructing their path-

 _Shi~ng!_ A line is drawn through the air as she swings her sword wide.

...Cla-clack, tink-clack. All of the obstacles come undone with a single stroke of her blade. The way they fall also shows pretty much the exact angle where she sliced 'em...

...In the next moment, Sakuya is next to us, giving us a blank stare.

I wave at her! "Hi, Sakuya."

"...Hi." She greets me as blankly as her stare!

In the next moment, the other girls catch up.

"What's all this?" Reimu floats down from above! "Who're you all supposed to be…?"

Before Genkan says anything- 'cause I see her goin' ta say _somethin'_ \- I step up! "Yo ho ho~! I-"

"And when'd _you_ get wrapped up into this…?" Reimu gives me a tired stare. "Just get out of the way. I need to talk to these people."

Son. "Ah, nah, it's all good, yo." I give her a casual wave. "The _B-team_ took care 'a the big noob. Right, yo?" I turn to the B-team!

...After a moment, they go from watching Sakuya to giving me an idle stare. Ho ho!

"We came to solve the incident…" Genkan speaks from the floor, her voice a little weaker than usual. "I don't know if we exactly accomplished that, but…" She begins to stand-

"That's nice." Reimu gives us an examining stare… "If you wanna help solve it, turn this place off."

"...We're kind of _working on that_." Genkan doesn't like her tone…! "Before you got here, we fought _this_ woman." The yuki-onna held the kappa out by the back of its scalp. "Once she wakes up, she should have the information we need."

"Du~de!" Marisa stops flying around in the airspace above the room to land nearby! "Maria~! How'd you even get in here!?"

"...Um…" Maria clams up! "It- it took effort…"

...I give the skeptical-looking Reimu a dry stare. "We beat up a boss for you, yo. Who may or may have been the final boss..." Hmm.

"We don't need help." Reimu's not really buying it…!? "As if it's viable for any of you to be here right now."

Freakin'... I hold my arms out! "What're ya gonna do, then?"

Reimu draws some ofuda! "Beat you up until you tell me the truth. If you can fight now, then show me."

Genkan steps back…! "Ha- Hakurei…" She definitely don't sound in fightin' condition.

Maria just kinda clams up… "Wh- what…"

...Marisa knows what's up, though. "Hey, c'mon Reimu. I saw these guys runnin' around earlier, s'not that impossible. Not like this place is well-made or anything, ze."

I hold my arms out! "We… will not fight!"

…Reimu narrows her eyes. "How am I supposed to believe you, then?"

Y'freakin'...

Turning around, I march up to Genkan, set my bomb hanger aside-

 _Boom!_ -a little too impatiently, apparently! Ouch…!

...Ta set things straight, I limp up to Genkan while my leg slowly stops hurting, and freakin' _yank_ that kappa from her arms-

Thud. I fall on my ass because she's heavy and I didn't do arm day! I didn't do any day, in fact! Aaa~h!

"Freakin'...!" I wheeze at Reimu from the floor! "We did the fight and things! She- she wasn't all that burly, either…"

...Reimu just gives us a jaded expression. "That was pathetic enough to convince me. Brad, _how_ did you get here?"

You never wanna ask me a question… that begins with 'how', son.

"Very carefully…" I grin at her, still stuck under that freakin' kappa girl who's like half my height.

…

"Pfft- hehehe~!" Marisa liked that!

"Hnn~..." Reimu lets out a little groan of frustration. "Look, you… _really_ can't be doing things like this. Wandering around and trying to fight people vastly more powerful for you, I mean."

What? Well, then, yo… "I- I know! I brought like…" There! Got that freakin' kappa off of me. "I brought my friends, yo!" I gesture to the friends!

"Which you threw into danger by bringing here." Reimu immediately counters. "Good job. I don't know _how_ you actually beat anyone up, but I'm going to assume it involved taking them by surprise."

"Hakurei…" Genkan here wit' the defense! "You don't realize- how much you undermine us."

Stepping past me, she marches up to the yuki-onna. "Yeah? What can you do?"

"We fought… _I_ fought with ice." Genkan states, bringing an arm up-

 _Krii~ng!_ To our left, a massive ice blade erects from the floor, far away from anyone-

 _Shi~ng!_ ...Youmu cut it, for some reason.

... _Thoom_. It fell apart, sliced perfectly on an angle.

"...They also had literally about fifteen potions between the two of them." Genkan dryly adds in our contribution. "If we don't die instantly, being killed takes actual effort. Especially considering the potency of the items..."

Marisa cupped her hands around her mouth and shouted at her friend. " _Told yo~u!_ "

...Slouching, Reimu turned to the witch. "You're the _only one_ who carries potions, Marisa. Sometimes we need them, yes, but-"

"I have an elixir or two, sometimes." Sakuya reveals casually. "Only when I go out."

"...I, um, carry Hi-Potions." Youmu provides her own inventory. "They're good for emergencies. I don't like to use them in fair fights, though."

...Blinking a few times, Reimu shakes her head. "Whatever. We're not here to talk about potions."

Brushing myself off- as if I wasn't scuffed the fuck up- I look over at her. "Whah? I thought this was potioncon, yo."

"Um…" Quietly, Maria tries to say something-

Reimu lifts the kappa up by the shoulders. "This is our suspect? She doesn't look very strong…"

"Kappa are known more for the strength of their instruments than their physical prowess." Suddenly, Sakuya is invested! "...If what we arrived to was any indication, there was a messy skirmish here."

"There was some blood on the floor, on the way in." Youmu also contributes, slowly raising in volume until she's speaking properly. "...You might've missed that when you were looking at the screens with us on it. It's really dark, too."

...At that, Reimu huffs. "It's still pretty stupid that you guys just… threw yourselves in here. Solving incidents is my _job_. You don't have to risk yourselves."

...Givin' an exaggerated shrug, I ea~h… "Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time…! That, and getting constantly harassed by robots, y'know… s'kinda hard to ignore."

...Reimu doesn't look _entirely_ happy with that counter-argument, but doesn't say anything about it.

…

"So," Marisa looks at the kappa, too. "We gonna hafta wait for that kappa until we can shut this place down?"

"Pretty much." Noddin' at this, I follow up… "Don'cha dare freakin' blow this place up, either! There's a buncha chemical shit, and I don't _think_ the world's ready for stuff with radioactive half-lives yet…!"

Grinning at that, Marisa raises her arms behind her head as she reclines on her broom. "Aww, da~mn…"

...Oo~h, that mana deprivation's hittin' me. Adrenaline helps stave it off, but ahaha~...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 70

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Robot Demolisher, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Factory Disassembler, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Has Forgotten What Half of These Titles Stood For, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Hard Winter - A earth/ice-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice! Allows the user to cast Ice Shard. Extends combo length by one artificially. Allows the user to jump out out of combos smoothly, and leave frost in their trail.

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I _would_ like to know where it actually _puts_ all my stuff though…

==o==

WEAPONS:

Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! It better, with a name like 'Swordbreaker'. Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! May cast Flash, an attack that blinds; works best on darkness elementals and youkai. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can cast Gust. By the addition of a steel block, its attack and magic attack increased slightly. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites stuff on impact. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle, allowing the user to cast Flamethrower Plus! Allows the user to cast Fume.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Can produce limitless fresh water. Boosts the power of water skills. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style; physical attack increased, physical defense lowered. User bleeds out faster. Can cast Revenge, an attack that increases in power the lower the user's health is. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to let it cut!

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Lowers defense slightly. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger is slightly electric and holy elemental. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy…

==o==

ARMOR:

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Seventy-five percent time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!

Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means _business, son_. _One hundred percent_ ice resistance, and as such renders me immune to all magical ice damage. Dunno 'bout icicles and stuff, though. Fifty percent freeze resistance… not that freezing will hurt me with this thing on. Fifty percent dark resistance. Negative fifty percent fire and burning resistance. Hopefully hides me a bit when navigating in the freakin' brush...

Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! Fifty percent sun resistance, one hundred percent freezing and blinding resistance. Also gives immunity to electrical stunning. It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.

Lunarian Prototype Space Suit - A suit meant for combat in deep space. So far, it's only got the whole 'exist in deep space' part down…! _One hundred percent_ electric resistant. One hundred percent freezing resistant. Has an oxygen tank, but that's only useful if you wear the helmet to go along with it. Randomly casts Zero Gravity when it feels like it.

Lunarian Prototype Deep Space Helmet - It's a freakin' helmet. Fifty percent blinding resistant! When worn with the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit, it also confers immunity to burning and poison, along with _another_ one hundred percent electricity resistance. Yo…!

Testing Oxygen Tank - The oxygen tank used by the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit. Lasts for two and a half minutes! Not meant to actually be used outside of testing, but it's possible. Refills automatically in breathable air.

MP Prize Pin - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field. For awhile only the user(s) of this badge may pick them up, but after a grace period anyone can. Extends prize grabbing range!

Sun Badge - Fifteen percent sun resistance when equipped. Fifty percent resistance to blinding and electrical stunning. Replaces the on-impact effect of all weapons with Sunfire Flare when worn.

==o==

CONSUMABLES/OTHER:

Forty-one thousand, two hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!

Five Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Mega Potion - Youkai-like regen for thirty seconds… except for the whole family! Applies to entire party. Good for when we all suck at life!

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Three Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on _debuffs_ , though...

Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Rope of Red Bikinis - Wahaha! Gonna getcha, son!

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I _really_ have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

==o==

Hana, the Electric Fairy Maid - A cuddleable fairy who's stalked me for awhile. She's lovable, dude. Healed by electrical damage! Casts tiny bolts of electricity as her attack these days…

PRIMARY WEAPON: Zap!

INVENTORY:

 _Probably_ rocks - Yeah.

Winter Mittens - Aww. Keeps hands from freezing.

Winter Coat - Where does she store this when it's not on…?

[unknown space remaining]

==o==

Genkan, the Yuki-onna - A bitter yuki-onna from Gensokyo's wildlands, mostly active in the winter, and on particularly cold days. Probably heals from ice damage. Commands powerful control over frost, and has a wide variety of ice-affinity attacks. Weak to fire and burning.

SKILLS:

Freeze - Instantly freezes one to two enemies. Low chance of working on stronger foes.

Creaking Freeze - Generates a spinning, magic snowflake in an enemy's body, which instantly freezes them after a moment. High accuracy.

Glacier - Erects a massive blade of ice from the ground, dealing incredible physical ice damage.

Ice Spin - Spins and lashes out with chilling frost. Probably just an extension of her normal frost powers and not an actual skill…

Other Skills - Probably has more spells, but freakin'... I dunno her like a textbook!

INVENTORY:

Red Kimono - It's got floral decorations…!

Money - Apparently.

I dunno - What would I~ have if I was a sexy ice woman?

[unknown spaces remaining]

==o==

Maria, the Actually Ordinary Magician - A villager from the human village. Used to run the most impoverished bar ever, but that fell under or something. Really low self-esteem! No known resistances or weaknesses. Can cast basic elemental spells!

INVENTORY:

Wood Staff - Good for bonking things!

Raggedy Clothing - Low quality, old clothes from the village. Keeps her covered.

[Travel Bag] - Inventory that exists! Does not take up inventory because it is inventory. Eight slots.

Two Mana Potions - Guess wha~t? It heals, except mana!

[six spaces remaining]

==o==

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

wahoHO

this chapter was a bit slowly written but honh

for some reason i feel like the factory-exploring was droll even if observably it seems like it's just fine; maybe i'm just falling into a beat-myself-the-fuck-up rut again (that and whenever i take awhile to write something i check things over and over again and over-immerse myself in the repetition of details which makes things feel real soulless no matter what really)

THAT ASIDE i think this turned out alright - w -

i wanted this arc to kinda capture some of the insanity of the earlier arcs- back when this thing _had arcs_ \- and some of the newer insanity while having like, a sorta direction

things about the whole arc i'm uncertain about:

o is maria interesting, is she bearably uninteresting (half the point), is she a buzzkill

o felt like the koakuma fight was a mess for some reason in a sorta bad way but it didn't last long so i didn't care too much

o this whole factory segment just felt weirdly off except for some key parts and i'm not sure why; maybe it's just because i've not really handled the clunkiness of party members in FG so much so the weird combination made things curious

i'd like to hear some second opinions because sitting in my minimal window access bedroom and typing this with a buncha other things going on doesn't really help sate my nerves . w '

but daz enough of my _slow mental unraveling_

magnet elemental stuff is fun - w - i basically ripped that one STRAIGHT OUTTA WARFRAME and it's basically like… it drains mana but doesn't silence, and doesn't deal a lasting status effect

okay i lied it does have a lasting status effect: it reduces energy shield capacity by 75%; aka max energy shields are reduced

...not all that relevant to people without energy shields! mana depletion is still very relevant and potent though, although how much probably depends on potency of cast and enemy's mana pool and all that fun stuff; basically, attacks that do mana damage instead of / with normal stamina-based damage

hoh

i wanted to incorporate some elements of getting-beat-the-fuck-up in the boss fight - w - mostly because that's fun and creates tension; s'a lot better than readily handling everything _and it's about time those potions were put to work_

also tried to follow a basic system of taking turns but i debalanced it a little at times 'cause six entities at once is a lot and some actions were basically futzing about

touhou 16 has not yet happened in this universe! we're gonna see some of the touhous in the coming chapters though - w - we've already seen one though…

still on the boss fight: i wanted it to be a bit more hectic than it was but i think it's plenty hectic as is; plus any more entities than like six would probably get pretty silly, that fight ate nearly ten pages as is minus the pre- and post-fight dialogue

i say six entities even though ha-chan'd make it seven; she didn't really get to do a whole lot

the factory as a whole was a lot of avoiding mook-based confrontations and tryin' ta wiggle our way around more… _sensibly_ albeit not methodically - w -

that and if we approached the radioactive slime girls we would've died because that shit works quick and i have _no idea_ what the panacea / health potion effects would be on molecular DNA destruction / radiation poisoning

so anyway yeah - w -

i feel like this kappa villain i've lined up for this incident was koo enough, and i feel as though she were foreshadowed enough to not be a total rando

her backstory's also relevant to gensokyo generally so it's not like she's a totally unimpactful throwaway villain either - w -

i think that's everything

as always, see you all next time!


	89. The Man with a Trap for a Head

(in which we make a bar brothel) ( _HEY HAVE YOU GUYS HEARD OF MATT CHAPTERS)_

It has been all of about ten minutes. We have not screwed off like the guard told us to… nor have we stayed in the square.

Knock knock. I have brought my loli horde to Sekibanki's door.

…

Knock-

The door swings open. A woman who looks suspiciously like Sekibanki stares out, her hair long and unnaturally blond, and her coat the exact same except with villager rag coloration.

"Hello." I greet her simply. "...Would this happen to be the home of a miss Sekibanki?"

...After a moment, she shakes her head. "No. This is Bekisanki."

She attempts to close the door on me, except I put my foot in the doorframe. "It's nice to meet you, _Bekisanki_. May we spend the night?"

...She looks up at me, and smiles. "If you take your foot out of the door, sure."

…

I slide my foot out of the door-

Click. It closes. "I lied." I hear her voice from inside. "Go away."

Good.

...I glance back at my loli squad, before running my eyes over the door again-

"He~y…" Speaking up, Rumia points down the road. "I think they were serious about the 'shoot us with arrows' thing…"

Oh. As I follow her fingers, I see them, too. There is indeed a wall of guards congregating on the other end of the road.

We may not have time to interfere with Bekisanki, unfortunately.

"...Let's go." I gesture for the loli patrol to follow me. The alleys should get us somewhere safer…

"But…" Vanilla raises an inquiry. "Why are they looking for us…?"

Didn't that guard essentially tell us to get out or die? Not that it really matters…

"We'll be fine." I assure the loli friend. "I know a place." ...I don't know a place.

Moving into the alley behind her house, I hear the three stout ones pace quickly to keep up with me. The day is just beginning, but it's not getting much brighter due to the immense fog.

After a few turns and some droll back alley sight-seeing, we come to a dirt clearing amongst the plywood buildings...

Back here seems to be some trash cans, like the many other sections of alleyway. Interesting.

...I start to progress towards the straightaway out. I have an idea where to go, now-

"Women_and_children_off-guard." I hear a robot. I don't necessarily _see_ a robot.

...Oh. Looking to my left, I see the robot come from a different deviating alley.

She's reminiscent of a fairy, except with abnormally long, multi-jointed legs. Her clothes and hair are hot pink, and in her arms she holds a big, metal instrument with a vice-like tip.

"It's a fairy!" Rumia observes, arms eternally spread. "...She's kinda funny-looking, though."

"...Big for a fairy." Vanilla shies away from it. "Way too big for a fairy."

...Shikome only notices it after everyone else has noticed it.

Its head seems to rigidly make eye contact with each of us, before speaking again. "Women_and_children_off-guard."

...Slowly, it starts to approach us, raising its vice-like device in the air-

Vrrr~. The vice slowly opens, various needle-like implements visible on the edges of the metal.

Shikome doesn't seem interested in it, but meanders towards it…

"Stop_where_you_are." Sighting Shikome, it makes a demand. "Human_child:_female."

...After blinking a few times, Shikome throws an arm out. Two tendrils whirl towards the robot-

 _Fw-vzzt!_ A sloppy, boxy energy shield lights up around the robot, as it gets thrown into the wall behind it-

 _Bam!_ In this instant, the energy shield progresses from a vibrant orange to yellow, to green, then to blue, before flickering out.

"We're_under_attack!" Slowly, the robot turns to the side, and begins trying to menacingly hobble away from us.

...After bringing the two tendrils back, Shikome sends them forward again-

 _Crack!_ They pierce the robot's form, crushing it into the wall. " _Fzt-vzzt!_ "

Bringing her tendrils back-

Cla-cla-clack. Retracting her tendrils caused the robot to fall apart, wires revealed to run between each individual limb.

Thu-thunk. Shikome's tendrils escaped its torso by the time she retracted them fully, allowing the crumpled, ruined fairy-bot to lie at her feet. Good robot.

...Crouching down, she picked up the remains and stepped over towards the nearest trash can, which was behind us. Sliding off the lid, she dumped the parts in, and put it back on.

"That… was weird." Vanilla wasn't sure what to make of that. "What was that?"

"I dunno!" Rumia was indifferent. "It sounded like it was made outta _bone._ "

...I guess you could say that.

/ / / / what doth LIFE _(life, life)_ / / / /

We have reached the place I had in mind. Approximately.

I planned on going back to that house next to the Golden Grin that I had ransacked, only to find it still partially burnt and abandoned. Nothing to even loot, not that there was much to begin with.

...Stepping up to the house right next to it, I knock on the door. If I'm going to commandeer a house, it may as well be a complete house.

…

Since there's no response, I step aside, giving Shikome an expectant stare.

...She glances over at me, then at the door, before walking up to it and jiggling the handle. When it doesn't comply, she-

 _Bam!_ -hits the handle with her arm, causing the door to swing open-

 _Chink- chink!_ She thrusts her tendrils into the hinges, taking the door off entirely. Before it falls inward, she grabs it with both arms, steps inside, and neatly leans it against the wall next to the open doorframe.

"...Why?" Vanilla is perplexed by the systematic door slaughter.

...I turn to her. "Why not?"

"I have the same opinion…" Rumia reveals with a smile. "Doors only hurt me."

...What does that even _mean?_

Shikome looks over at Rumia, then at the door she placed against the wall. Then, she reels her arm back-

"Aah- nnaah…" It sounds like we have company in here.

 _Crack!_ Shikome split the door in half with her fist.

"Ah!" The voice sounded startled at the noise.

"There's someone here…" Vanilla pointed out, bringing her arms up. "I don't think it's okay to just wander into someone's home like this."

Speaking of this place, it seems to be a one-room bar ordeal. There's the front door, there's the back door, and there's a bar counter. Very lonely-looking shelves hang off the wall to the right, populated only by a few dusty bottles and some buckets.

Stepping up to the counter, I run my eyes over the plain wood bar stools, then glance back at the tables… which also have plain bar stools instead of chairs.

"I smell foo~d…" Rumia sniffs the air, floating further into the bar.

Once I rest my arms on the counter, a… man rises from behind it, standing promptly. "Hello, citizen. What brings you to my bar…" he takes a look out the door behind himself, "this evening?"

...He has straight blonde hair that goes down to his neck, seems to be covered in some sort of brown hair, and has an eagle beak for a nose. One eye seems to be cyan, while the other is brown.

"It's not evening." I inform the probable eagle youkai.

"Oh, yeah?" He leans back, as if unimpressed. "What time _is it_ , then?"

Rumia drifts up to the counter, next to me. "Time to eat…"

The man nods. "It's time to eat, indeed. But only for me. This is a bar; we drink, we don't eat."

Pouting, Rumia leans onto the counter. "But I smell foo~d…!"

...Stepping up to and around the counter, Shikome stares at something on the ground behind it.

"You may smell food." He looks over at Shikome. "But, I only see- the visions. The visions which foretell patrons who do not suspect that there is a body behind this counter."

"Relinquish it, and we will tolerate your departure." Shikome threatens the man, able to see the body from her position.

"Alright, you got me." He takes a step back towards the rear door. "But l will say this: they say when you die, you shit your pants, but not me. I'm gonna shit my _heart_."

...Shikome just blinks at him.

"And I say to you, little amigo…" He turns to Rumia. "Auf wiedersehen, hello, and _goodb-_ "

...Before does anything else, he looks past Rumia to glance at the vampire loli. "Oh." Turning to Shikome, he makes a request. "If I gave you the deed to the bar, could I stay?"

"No. You cannot." Shikome's eyes flare as she reinforces her argument.

"Joke's on you." The man smiles smugly. "Because I _have_ no deed. The only deed I have... is the deed to my soul."

Shikome takes a few steps towards him. "...And it shall be mine."

The man takes a few steps back, raising his arms- one arm is a _snake head_. "Very well. You may have it. Hold out your arms."

...Curious as to where he was going with this, Shikome held out a hand.

He took a moment to crouch beneath the counter-

 _Ri~p!_ He tore something off of the body under there.

...Standing up, he holds out a partially eaten heart, a splash of blood now caking the fur on his face. "Here it is. It pains me to part with it, but I knew it well." ...A long tongue extended from his mouth, idly lapping at the blood along his cheek.

...Shikome accepts the heart with her hand, examining it briefly. "This is not your soul..."

"Shows what _you_ know, the heart is the tubeway to the soul." He nods, taking generous backward steps towards the door. "So long as you have the makings, then through this simple act of taking, its wielder you shall one day be. And you will find me, friend; no ocean will contain you then."

 _Thunk!_ Shikome thrusts a tendril into the adjacent countertop.

"...It looks like it's time for me to ramble on." Moving leisurely, he finally properly makes for the back door, strutting with his… backwards attached legs, apparently. "It is clear when I am welcome, and when I am pulled by the cosmic strings of fate."

 _...Bam!_ Abruptly, he slams the back door open, darts outside, then walks away at a more relaxed pace.

...Click. The door slowly swung shut on its own.

…

Rumia starts climbing over the counter to reach the body back there. "Foo~d…!"

"Is- is there really a dead guy back there…?" Vanilla isn't brave enough to round the counter herself.

"Uh huh." Rumia supplies her the answer. "Really fresh, too…!"

Shikome gave the half-eaten heart a sideways stare.

 _Squelch!_ She squeezed it into oblivion with her hand, a small fountain of blood pouring from it, for only a moment.

...I find it weird that this place has no living facilities. It was taller on the outside.

Oh, right. I haven't been saying it, but those two guards are still following us around. No one's said anything or interacted with them, so they've just been here.

…

"Hey." I address one.

"I am taking Mistress to jail." He smiles and nods knowingly.

Yeah, me too.

...I am tired as shit. Staying up all night and watching things die was not good for the overall energy levels.

Meandering around the counter- and ignoring the lolis as they tore apart the man behind it- I wander outside.

Out here, there was a really dodgy-looking wood staircase that led up to a quaint door on the second floor. It seemed to have been made of a single wooden protrusion that only met up with the structure at the very top. The stairs are slightly bent, too.

...I take a cautious step onto one, only for the side I stepped onto to start bending, tilting to the side my weight was applied to. What a crappy staircase. There's not even any rails.

...Carefully climbing my way up the precarious staircase, placing my hand along the wall for integrity, I eventually reach the top, and swing the door open.

I am greeted by darkness. Windows on the upper level are present, but still few and far between. The lower level has no windows, so I suppose it's an improvement.

Closing the door behind me, I step into the dark room.

...After wading through the darkness, I open a door, and find dim light being cast by a foggy window. There's a small sleeping bag in the corner, with an empty wooden bowl next to it. It appears to have been previously used.

Using the dim, barely daytime light from the windows, I survey the surrounding rooms, finding little of interest except for boxes, tables, and chairs.

Since there are no claimants to this realm-

 _Thud_. I fall onto the sleeping bag…

/ / / / I SWEAR TO CHEKHOV I'LL COCK YOUR CLOCK OFF / / / /

…

Aa~h. The sleeping bag… has only slightly alleviated the back pain associated with sprawling out on a hardwood floor.

Sitting up, I immediately notice all of the doors have been neatly placed next to their respective doorframes. 

...I should probably give these rooms a once-over again. I didn't really see much but black when I was tired.

Moving into the rightmost room-...

There is now a hole ripped open in the corner of this room, amber light pouring in from the candlelit bar room. The hole was uneven.

...I see.

Ignoring that, I move back into the sleeping room, and go to the long room in the front of the building.

There's a small window, here. To the right, I see a really bad-looking brown couch. To my left…

A huge, bronze and brown decorated treasure chest rests there. It doesn't visibly have a lock, and it's about half as big as I am.

...Stepping up to it receptively, I cautiously reach down, and begin to push it open. Light pours out from within, illuminating the room spectacularly.

Crea~k! I flip the chest open, and gaze inside…

...There's a musty piece of parchment lying in the midst of a very cushy, well maintained brown interior.

I take it out.

...It's a map, of the bar. There are only two floors, totaling five rooms. This did not deserve an entire awesome-looking treasure chest dedicated to holding it.

The light that the chest emitted began to fade moments after I took the map from it. That was the worst treasure ever.

...Walking back into the main room, I give the sleeping bag a final glance, before doubling back when I saw a book near it. Crouching down, I examine it…

...Japanese title. Japanese words. Japanese. Inside, there are some pentagrams and complex expressions, however. That's nice.

Moving outside… I very carefully, cautiously proceed down the worst staircase ever designed by man that didn't fall apart immediately.

I swung- nevermind, Shikome removed the backdoor. Right. Proceeding inside-

" _Hyaa~h!_ " Vanilla squeals.

"Woa~h!" Rumia is amazed by something.

...Taking a deep breath, I continue to proceed inside.

...From behind the counter, I can see Vanilla lying on the leftmost table. The table was dotted with irregularly shaped, dry circles of blood.

"Right foot… red?" Rumia had no spinner, she was just randomly picking body parts and… well, there was only one color to choose from. It wasn't really red, either- more like a blackish color.

Shikome easily articulated her leg over Vanilla, positioning the young vampire's face just between her two legs. I couldn't see much due to her kimono, but it looked like a very precarious situation.

"Wh- whaha~h…!?" Vanilla sounds like she's having fun though.

"Left foot, left foot!" I'm not sure if Rumia's even really trying, or if they're even really playing twister. "Put your left foot in, 'n' put your right foot out… and shake it all about!"

I could probably make money off of this.

...Shikome's legs slowly slide out to farther circles on the table, her body lowering further.

"Ah- ah…!" Vanilla starts looking around. She wasn't quite lying down as I'd thought; her legs and arms are precariously spread and propping her up, stretching to the far corners of the table and rendering her exposed.

"A~nd that's what it's all about!" Rumia throws her arms into the air. "...One more time!"

I see Shikome's legs start to slide out further, shaking a little as if she'd just begun to stop herself.

...Turning around, my eyes rest on that hole in the ceiling that Shikome must have ripped open. Theoretically, I could turn the upper area of the bar into a-

" _Ohn!_ " ...It sounds like Shikome slipped somewhere behind me.

"Nmmh- nnh…!" Muffled sounds are coming from Vanilla.

"Wohoa~h!" Rumia leaps back, floating into the air just barely in my vision. "...You both lost!"

"A-ah…" Shikome makes delicate noises. "Nnn…"

Thump, thump. "Mmgh- hnh…" Vanilla uselessly exercises her limbs, or so it sounds.

...I feel like I know what I want to spend the rest of today doing. It's not watching those two goof off, either.

I'll need a bootleg staircase constructed for the hole in the ceiling, so we can have interior, more _reliable_ stairs. We're also going to need fine wines and meats, and… some volunteers.

Cracking my knuckles- as well as I can crack them- I begin towards the door that Shikome tore open in the front. I wonder if I can get a saloon-type door installed.

We also need that crappy staircase outside destroyed, and the now eternally open doorframe up there to be boarded up… which we could do with our numerous spare doors, now.

"Mmn…" Shikome sounds comfortable.

"Mmh- mghk…" Vanilla also sounds comfortable. "Hn~h…"

...Spotting some curious individuals amongst the villagers on the late-day streets, I march out the door, leaving the lolis to their loli things for the time being.

/ / / / DRIVEN DOWN 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO / / / /

...Following behind the four robed individuals, I near them with a hastening stride until I get behind them, before slowing…

"Wo~w…! I can't believe the guards are so busy today!" The leftmost one speaks in hush.

There are four of them- three tall, and the fourth quite, quite short.

"Maybe we won't need better disguises…" The rightmost one spoke. "Cutie, take off the robes…!"

"Hold o~n. There's still a few…" The leader holds out her arms, and starts looking around.

Innocently, I look away from them and stare into the void. It's… still incredibly foggy, although it's slightly mitigated in the village.

The rightmost one nears a thin alley nearby. "C'mon. We'll gear up here, then we'll start our walk…"

"...Yeah." The leader nods at her, before crouching next to 'Cutie'. "Today's your big day…!"

...The robed shortie turns away.

 _Slap!_ The leader robed individual spanks the shortest one on the ass, enticing it to dart into the alley. "Hehehe~!"

...With that, the two remaining individuals moved into the alley. Discreetly, I trot along behind them, making sure to stay just out of the alley. I give myself enough leeway to peer in…

Inside, the three tall women immediately cast off their cloaks. The realization that they're fairy maids sets in once they've spread their wings.

"Al~right, Cutie-chan…!" The one with pastel red hair kneels down, and disrobes the short one with a swift movement.

...Oh, right. Him. The one who assaulted the manor and lived to tell the tale, technically. Well, he's currently still experiencing the tale, so I'm not certain if he'd be in any condition to tell it.

...I only recognize him as a him because of my foreknowledge, though. Right now he looks like a _loli._

His blonde hair is in two short pigtails- which is rather mysterious, because it used to be really thinly cut before. Did they give him more hair? Is it a wig?

...Turning away, he pouts. "You- you know… you're taking a big risk, bringing me back here. I'm… sure my men will recognize me, and-"

Abruptly, the red-haired fairy snaked forward and gave him a kiss on the lips. "Hnn~..."

"Mghk…!" His eyes widening, he fruitlessly pushes against her, for only a second.

"Mwah…" She brings her head back. "Hehehe~. Your men wouldn't even recognize you as a _man_ , sweetie. Mistress wouldn't let you leave so simply, eithe~r…"

The one with pastel blue hair loomed over him, before crouching down and getting close to his right ear. "We told you. You're _ours_."

The pastel green-haired one approached him similarly, this time from his left. "Doesn't it feel great? Walking around the streets you used to own… now that we own _you?_ Hehehe~..."

"De- demons…" Blushing, the stout not-loli allowed himself to be pressed up against the back wall of the alley. "Licentious…"

The blue one leans closer to his ear. "You're so _cute_ when you think you can resist…"

"Mmm~..." The red one lunged for his lips again, pressing his head up against the back wall.

"Aa~h…" The green-haired one wrapped her arms around him, her mouth connecting with his left ear.

"Hehehe~!" Smirking, the blue-haired one hastily, almost clumsily got down low, and lifted his shirt to expose his stomach. "Mi~ne…" Promptly, she begins licking his midriff.

"Nn- nnh…" It seems like he melts into their greedy arms, submitting promptly.

...Well. This is fucking disgusting… but it does give me an idea.

Slipping out my Shadow Hell scissors, I continue spectating for an opportunity…

"Mmh!" The red one aggressively twists her head around as she kisses him.

"Hehe~..." The green one gives a discreet giggle into his ear.

Wrapping her arms around the short man, the blue fairy begins to try and pull him to the ground. "C'mo~n…"

...While they're distracted, I begin to step into the alley, twirling my-

 _Fwoom_. The mere act of bringing up my scissors too harshly causes them to leave a trail of flames in the air. Scratch that 'twirl them around' idea…

 _Thud_. He plops onto his rear on the dirt floor, the fairies manhandling him with their arms. "Hehehehe~!"

"Ao-cha~n…" Looking up at her friend, the red fairy grinned. "What're we going to do?"

The green-haired one kept him held down. "Are we gonna kiss him all over again…?"

"No~..." Smiling widely, 'Ao-chan', the blue-haired one, begins to stand. "We're gonna _sit on him_."

"Oo~h…!" The red-haired fairy's eyes lit up. "We haven't done that yet!"

"Yea~h!" Cheering her on, the green fairy began chanting. "Sit on him!"

Standing over the short man, the blue-haired fairy held a hand to her mouth as she began to lower herself. "Ahuhuhu~!"

"Sit on him! Sit on him!" The other fairies energetically chanted, as they held the barely resisting man down.

" _Dark Fire!_ " ...I don't think I had to yell, but I think I've seen enough.

 _Fwam!_ The purple-tinted fireball struck the red fairy.

Pi~chun!

"Aah- oo~h…!" 'Ao-chan' dropped down onto the kid's face out of surprise, the interaction veiled by her maid skirt. "Ahn…! Uhm..." Blushing, she looked down at him sheepishly...

"Whah…!?" The green fairy floated up, looking down at me. "Who the hell're-"

I swing my scissors, nothing created from it. So I _do_ have to yell the spell, then.

" _Dark Fire!_ " I swing it again, the slow moving dark fireball flaring to life and gradually tracking the fairy…

"Yo- you…!" Ao-chan awkwardly shivers on the guy's face. "I- I'm gonna… I'm gonna _sit on you!_ "

Walking up to her, I dart into her and thrust my scissors towards where her throat should be-

 _Pi~chun!_ After flames ran up her neck for a brief moment, she shattered into mana. The fire was left to extinguish, lingering embers scattered in the foggy gloom.

...I saw the green fairy begin to rapidly approach me, so I turned around-

 _Fwish!_ ...My pre-emptive swing of my scissors did little, because she stopped before she reached me.

Bringing her arms up, the fairy abruptly slammed them down on the air before me-

 _Fwam!_ A thick spreadshot of emerald danmaku roared out, making me feel a wall of pain.

"I hate you!" With that, the fairy retreated, floating into the foggy sky-

 _Fwam! Pi~chun!_ ...and into the slow moving fireball that was tracking her as she hung back earlier.

...I am not quite crackling with danmaku energy, but I will not lie when I say that my heart jumped after just getting sniped by a huge wall of bright green magic. Ow.

…

Turning around, I step about, looking down at the ex-commissar I just saved from certain molestation.

"Aa- aah…" Red as a tomato, he blinks his uneven eyes at me, face slightly moist and makeup runny. "Are- are you here for me…? Did they send you…?"

"...You could say that." I loom over him. "You seek answers. I can give you purpose."

"Whah…?" His tired eyes scan my mask.

/ / / / RIDING THAT RATING MAN RIDING THAT RATING YEEHAW / / / /

Ironically, I don't believe he'll find answers or purpose here. Well, purpose for me, but not for he.

Walking into the bar, dragging the disheveled 'fairy maid' by 'her' wrist, I pan my gaze around.

...Vanilla was lying on the same table from before, twitching. Shikome seemed to be examining the buckets with Rumia.

Walking up to the two lolis, I gaze at them expectantly.

...Shikome looks at me, then at the commissar. "Food?"

I shake my head. "Don't eat him. His existence will lead to many more meals, if allowed." I have big plans for this young man.

...With that, Shikome goes back to looking inside of a bucket-

"sniff sniff" A fluffle pokes its head out, then looks up at Shikome. "...sniff sniff!"

...Gingerly, she brings her hand up and presses it into the inside of the bucket-

Fwoof. The fluffle was nothing more than dust. Flipping the bucket over, she emptied the dust onto the floor.

"These buckets're so dusty…" Rumia furrowed her brows, looking inside of a bucket she'd picked up-

"honh honh honh" Three fluffles emerged and latched onto her face, hugging on for dear life.

...Shikome turned to her, and she turned to Shikome.

"Achoo~!" Rumia sneezed, the fluffles launched towards the death loli-

Shi-shi-shink! Shikome's tendrils pierced the fluffles mid-flight, shattering each one.

"Hehe~..." Rubbing her nose, Rumia blinked the dust away. "Really dusty!"

This place will need renovations before opening day. Such as, a better staircase, dismantlement of that shitty staircase… and a nice new door.

Also, supplies, but that can happen when it happens. The meats will come easy, drinks… hmm.

...We've also got those two guards loyal to Vanilla stationed at the door still, something that happened while they were playing 'Loli Twister: Blood of a Dead Drunk Edition'.

"Shikome." I begin to make my request… "We must hunt for plywood and fresh meats."

...She looks over at me, before speaking her mind. "I'm not hungry."

...Hah. Hmm. Hrrm. I counter that point, "It is for the ensurement of future meals. We only need a couple bodies, for now." Or ten. Something like that. Does this village have meat preservation methods? I suppose heavily salting things should work well enough. Would we simply raid a deli then? Hmm.

Either way, some dead people to start things off would be a strong start.

...At that, Shikome sets her bucket aside. "Okay."

Rumia sets her bucket on the floor. "Can I come too!? I've never had food for the winter before!"

...I don't particularly see why not. We may as well all go if there's this many of us heading out.

Holding up the crappy cloaks the fairies left behind, I look them over…

One for the commissar, three for the lolis… hmm. I can only bring so many party members out it seems.

"We will need people to hold the fort here, as it stands." I decide. "...Some of us wish to desert the operation."

...Oh, I'm not holding onto his wrist, either. Whoops.

As I say this, the commissar walks up to one of the guards under Vanilla's control…

"Yo- you!" He greets the guard. "Wa- watchman Yusuke… these _youkai_ \- they're bad company. I- I need you to escort me out. _Now_."

"I am taking Mistress to jail." The guard nods confidently, positively stoked.

"Excellent…!" Standing aside, the commissar casts his dainty arm outward. "At- attack!"

"I am taking Mistress to jail." The guard nods again.

…

"You're…" Looking depleted, the stout commander looks at his watchman. "They've got you _too_ , don't they…?"

"I am taking Mistress to jail." He receives no intelligent response from the guard.

...Shikome looks over at Rumia. "Stay here. This'll be over soon."

...Rumia blinks at her, before nodding. "Oka~y!"

I point at the 'kid' commander. "Don't let go of him, by the way. He must stay here."

...Rumia just furrows her brows at me. "That looks like a her…"

"Gh…" The commissar scrunches his face. "I-... you- you won't catch-" Turning around, he makes for the door-

-only for Rumia to clutch him by the back of his maid outfit. "Is that so~? C'mo~n. I wanna play more twister…"

"Un- unhand me…!" He futilely scratches his short nails against the darkness youkai's arm. "Demon! _Demon!_ "

"Hehehe~!" Rumia doesn't seem to care about being called names.

…

"Don't eat him either." I add as an afterthought.

" _He~r._ " Rumia corrects me. "You need glasses…"

...Looking down at the robes, I pass one to Shikome.

/ / / / XCOM HEADQUARTERS / / / /

…

 _Clack!_ Shikome plops down our fifth or sixth substantial stack of abandoned village plywood, I _feel_ like that should be enough. Unlike all the other stacks, we've placed this one at the end of an alley just off the main road.

We've found a handful of hobos, but the actual body harvesting begins now. These robes should keep our identities concealed well enough.

The village street is vaguely busy with the bustle of villagers, but it doesn't seem many wish to be out on a foggy day like today.

...As we pass a guard on the side of the road, Shikome walks up to him-

 _Shink!_ With a quick movement of her arm, a tendril slid out and down the man's neck exposure in his armor. "Hguh…!"

 _Ri~p!_ As it retracts, it rips something. "Hkh- haau~ u-u…" Letting out a retching noise, the man falls over, unevenly stumbling onto his side and pressing a hand to his crimson, exposed neck.

...Villagers quickly disperse from our area, and it seems the two or three nearby guards who witnessed this began to fall back.

…

You know, I expected a bigger reaction. At the moment we're just standing in the middle of an empty road.

...Shikome lifts the guard up, before-

 _Woosh!_ -tossing him over to the nearby alley with all the plywood.

 _Cla-clack!_ ...She knocked over the plywood with him.

…

Really? No reaction? No guards? What is this? Considering their response earlier-

 _Wham!_ Shikome darts into me, sending me rolling down the road-

 _Thu-thu-thu-thu-thunk!_ Fifteen or so arrows from different directions strike the area where I stood.

...From here I can see that archers have mounted the surrounding rooftops, and small teams of guards are currently blockading both sides of the main street.

...Stumbling back onto my legs, I look around. I guess I'll take out my sliding scissors and just evade like a maniac.

Within a moment, it seems as though two walls of guards with large shields had assembled, and began moving to pincer us from both sections of the roadway.

"This is the _Human Village Guard!_ " A guardsman's voice was projected from somewhere. "Stay put for further negotiation!"

...I suppose. It'd be a rather poor idea to simply charge through these shields as is.

...Shikome starts to move-

I put a hand on her shoulder. "Let's watch."

…

It's like we've entered some kind of standoff. Archers aimed at us, shieldsmen closing in on either side, and guards likely moving to flood the alleys as well. Not that they could stop us if we did desert; I'm sure a few dinky swordsmen couldn't stop us.

…

Clop, clop! Clop clop! Clop clop!

A man on a horse- that similar guard commander from earlier- came riding up. "We~ll. Color me _surprised_."

"...Hello." I greeted him as he galloped up to us, stopping a respectably safe distance away.

"So, you here to just fuck with us, or what?" The man frowned at us in the fog. "You probably _could_ , if you're this ballsy."

...Well. Yeah.

...Looking over at Shikome, he grins. "What's your name, little girl? Sally stabs-a-lot?"

Shikome begins to speak. "You-"

"Mary Sue." I nod confidently.

...The guard lightly furrows his brows. "Weird name." ...Looking away briefly, he glances over at us again. "Guess it'd figure. You guys're powerful _freaks_ , right?"

"You could say that." I offer him.

His horse turns around, and he raises his arm up to shout at the wall of shields. "...Men!"

...The idle shuffling of the shields intensifies in the silence of the village road.

...With his arm raised, the man extends it out fully. "Execute plan Kazami!"

Clop clop! Clop clop! Clop clop! With that, the captain rides off, getting the hell away from us immediately.

Dash scissors ready, I scan the foggy surroundings-

 _Fwash! Fwa- fwash!_ Pillars of flashlight-esque energy bloom around us, removing the fog of war. Every roof adjacent to this road seems to have at least five archers upon it, among other people doing _something_ in the background.

The walls of shields begin parting to allow low-armored shield-and-swordsmen in. I have my doubts those could stop anything…

...Through the holes created by the shieldsmen in their ranks, I'm able to see priestly people backing up the walls.

 _...Fwa-fwa-fwam, fwam, fwam!_ The sounds of initializing magic start to echo across the entire roadside, the line of shielded guards and the bows of the archers on the roofs beginning to glow a mixed myriad of colors.

...Well. This is pretty.

The archers all draw their arrows back, their bows glowing brighter for a moment. Shikome starts to extend her tendrils out defensively…

Then, they all raise their bows to the skies, and fire up.

 _Woo-woo-woo-woosh-woosh-woosh…!_ A rain of arrows pours up into the sky, creating a rainbow of colorful lines as they ascend.

The swordsmen seem to hang back towards the shields, their weapons and equipment lighting up with different colors one by one.

...Glancing up at the rain of arrows, Shikome starts power walking towards the nearest alley, prompting me to urgently follow her.

Reaching the alley with the plywood- what the fuck.

At the end of the alley, a large, iron _thing_ is hobbling towards us. "You- youkai sighted…!" A man's voice echoes from somewhere within the beast of steel and iron, barely audible.

The suit is almost as tall as the houses surrounding it, almost too wide to fit in this alley at all. One blocky leg at a time, it progresses forward until it stops in the midst of the alley's exit.

Instead of arms, the armor has two big, pyramid-shaped stubs. The middle of the suit looks like a complex, decorative solid steel piece, while the notably vacant helmet bears an opposing shape.

"Alley main three seven!" I hear the archers on the roofs overhead begin shouting as we size up this metal abomination that approached us...

The arrows touch down in the clearing behind us-

 _Fwam- Boom- Fwish- Fwoom- Bam- Boom!_ The entire clearing is filled with varying shades of magic, shockwaves of earth, flame, and frosty energy blooming outward, marring building fronts and rendering the road inhospitable. Other non-elemental shades of magic also seem present…

...We still need at least six more bodies. I expected attention, but not quite like this.

To our left and right, six archers lean over the rooftops and aim their bows down at us-

 _Shi-shink!_ Shikiome thrusts two tendrils upward, grabbing two guards from both sides. As she reels them back down- likely murdering them in the process- I slide to the side-

 _Thu-thu-thu-thunk!_ Four arrows are fired only in the vague direction of Shikome, and only one hitting her.

 _Fwa- Bam- fwam- boom!_ Not that their inaccuracy mattered, the alleyway coated in flames. This prompts me to dig into my backpack for the water scissors before- ouch, fuck. Burning sucks.

"I'll stop them…!" The over-armored guard says this, but doesn't budge an inch.

...Within a moment, priests and what looked like average villagers ran up to the back of the oversized suit of armor-

 _Fwoom!_ After pointing their collective arms and instruments towards him, the suit lit ablaze, only the exterior of the armor burning. " _Yea~h!_ "

Shi-shink! Shikome latched onto two more archers on the short houses nearby, hastily thrusting them towards their friends to at the very least bowl them over-

 _Fwa-Fwaa~sh!_ The priests brought their staves into the air and thrust them into the floor, creating small shockwaves of holy energy which expanded outward into far larger shockwaves of sheer, presumably holy push force.

...All it did was cause us to stumble, but we weren't very close to begin with. The smouldering remains of the two archers Shikome'd actually brought down to our level were visible on the floor beneath her.

After some dashing and splashing, I've managed to extinguish myself. I can't say the same for the nearby buildings-

 _Shi-shink shink shink!_ Shikome whirls around and impales an incoming swordsman with a rush of six tendrils-

 _Fwa-fwa-fwam!_ More arrows come from somewhere even though the local archers have been dealt with. White magic flares outward, throwing me against the wall and sending Shikome sliding back…

"O~n the way!" Some guard shouts from above the rooftops.

"The fire's not working…!" This is true. Shikome's burning, but doesn't seem much more than angry about it.

"Freeze! Try it next- freeze!" We may want to get out of here before that happens. "What the hell kind of element is cold…?"

Shikome moves towards the tubby, burning armor-

 _Cla-cla-clang!_ She thrusts three tendrils into it, causing it to slide back. "Hua- aaah! Help! _Help!_ "

 _Fwa- fwam!_ The priests bring down their staves, this time launching Shikome, only for her to dig her tendrils into the floor and fling herself back at it-

Cla- _Crack!_ The armor's torn open by a rush of numerous tendrils, the loli working to rip open the armor-

 _Fwam!_ A fire arrow hits her from somewhere, igniting the whole intersection the encounter was taking place on.

...Hearing movement near myself, I turn-

" _Hrra~gh!_ " I slide back from a swipe of a blue sword-

 _Fwa~sh!_ On impact with the wall behind me, it created a layer of ice. "Damn it…!" The young man was rather upset that he missed me.

I think it's time to go.

Sliding past the armor, capitalizing on the path made after Shikome brutalized its layered form, I call out to her. " _Shikome!_ Let's go!"

...Looking over at me, she darts from the armor-

 _Fwii~sh…!_ A flickering orb of light passes over our heads, blinding us. Oh, good.

 _Fwash- fwash- fwash!_ Chunks of ice spawn somewhere behind us, shockwaves of cool energy bombarding the armor we just darted away from.

...As we run down the alley, three minimally equipped archers dash into our way, and aim their arrows at the ground-

 _Fwam fwam fwam!_ Pools of holy energy wash across the alley. Shikome digs her tendrils into the adjacent walls to push herself over and somewhat through the holy energy-

 _Bam!_ Upon reaching the guards, she kicks the middle one aside and slides her tendrils into the flanks of the other two, seemingly primarily to push them rather than outright kill them-

 _Kri-kri-kria~ck_. The temperature in the alleys rapidly drops, the blood of the archers she shoved immediately crystallizing as we move down the road. My skin's beginning to have pins and needles, too.

...Noticing a nearby door, I point to it. "In here!"

...Looking back at me, Shikome springs up-

 _Bam!_ -and blows the door open with her body, before sprinting inside. I follow her…

...Inside, there seems to be no one-

"Hahaha~!" A middle-aged man stands up from under a dining table, raising a large shoulder-mounted device. "Got you!"

 _Fwoom!_ Shikome throws herself against the front wall to evade a fishing net that was launched from the grey tube.

 _Cra-Boom!_ Shikome immediately thrusts herself against the wall she hit again, leading us further into the alleys.

/ / / / WOAH HOAH HOAH / / / /

...Well then.

I sit panting inside of the bar we commandeered. It took a few hours, but after enough running around on the opposite side of town, I think we lost them. No guards seem to have moseyed on into here or approached this building for evacuation, so all's well ends well.

"Pa~tty cake, patty cake…" Rumia seems to be playing pattycake with our new trap.

"...Patty cake." Unenthusiastically, he complies, patting a hand against hers.

"Baker's _mad!_ " Rumia forcibly pats her hand against his.

"...Baker's man." The child-man mumbles out the lyric.

Rumia takes a moment. "...Put 'em in the ove~n…"

"...That's not how it goes." The stout one frowns at her.

"Yea~h!" Rumia raises her arms as if they completed the rhyme. "I love that song!"

"...Precisely why you cannot remember the lyrics." Folding his arms, the- I really need his name at some point- looks away. "Can I go home now?"

"You are home." Rumia informs him bluntly. "Silly billy!"

...Standing up, she steps over to him as he also begins to stand-

Wrapping an arm around his neck as he turns to escape, she pulls him closer and uses a hand to ruffle his dainty blonde hair. "Aww~. You're here forever, cuddles."

...I don't think I'll call him 'cuddles'. I suppose kid commissar is fine, even if the ratings demand he not be a kid, and circumstance would have it he's no longer a commissar.

...He seems to deflate from her head-ruffles, looking sedate.

Vanilla's seated at the left table, examining her still-hypnotized guards. She probably reapplied her hypnosis a second time, considering the guards are now slightly displaced from where they were before we left.

...Thu-thu-thud. Shikome allows the bodies of the numerous hobos we collected to flop on the floor behind the counter. We couldn't salvage the guards from the survival event, obviously. We were too busy running for our lives.

Well, we've probably got enough food, as the day is late anyway. Drink? Hmm. Maybe some tinges of blood paired with water will work, and we'll just call it a finely distilled wine.

The plywood we got earlier is already stacked into a horrible-looking makeshift staircase up to the hole Shikome made. That one crappy staircase is gone now, and the door it led to was boarded up.

Hmm. If we want to get this place operational, we will need… a sign, some advertisement, and preferably lights of some kind. It's pretty foggy, and once it gets dark, visibility will drop into the negatives, allowing us to see inside our own skulls.

...We don't have any bottles, actually. Well, we have about five. No cups, however… just _wooden pails._ Not like the 'wine' will be the main attraction anyway.

While I contemplate our next plan of action, Shikome steps up to Vanilla…

"Ah- ah…" Locking up, Vanilla looks to the side, blushing.

...Shikome leans in and gives her cheek a polite lick.

Blinking, Vanilla isn't sure what to make of it. "Awah…?"

Loli things. "...Let's make a sign with the spare plywood." I state our next activity.

/ / / / IT'S A SIGN DUDE / / / /

...We have no paint. Therefore, we must write with blood.

The lot of us stand outside, our presence shielded by the hypnotized guardsmen. The fog is curiously starting to lift, to my surprise, but it's still dark out.

With a tendril dipped in the blood of a partially obscured hobo, Shikome prepares to write on the plywood board…

"Um…" The young-looking commissar stares down at the board. "...Do you… honestly expect me to cooperate? With- with something so _vile?_ "

...We stare at him as if he's stupid for even asking that question.

"We expect you to cooperate or die." I state plainly. "...And, if you're thinking that death is preferable, I would advise you to think again." I gesture to Shikome.

Shikome just blinks at him neutrally.

...Frowning, the commissar complies. "Very well. A pity _none of you_ know how to _write_ , isn't it?"

"I can rea~d!" Rumia waves an arm in the air. "I always knew how to read!"

When it comes to Japanese, I cannot say the same about the rest of us.

Come to think of it, what should I name it? Bar? Hooker joint? The Tasteful? Hmm.

"It shall be called…" I've decided. "Small Packages. With a heart next to the words."

...The commissar looked over at me, expression hard. " _Disgrace._ "

"I know." I wave a hand at him. "Tell her what she needs to write."

...Still clung by Rumia's hand, he looked around idly. "...What? Am I… supposed to tell her how to draw-"

Shikome'd already written the word 'small', it'd seemed.

"-it?" He blinked. "...Hmm. Smarter than she looks, then."

...Shikome turns to him.

…

"I don't know the next word." She admits.

"Oh." Blinking, the commissar registered this. "I thought- oh. So… I just… tell you how to draw it, then?"

"Yes." Shikome nods aptly. "By line."

...Taking a moment, and a breath, he speaks. "Well… hmm. On the next letter… place a line going down. Slightly curve it, though. Then…"

/ / / / THANK ME LATER / / / /

"Night time's my favorite time." Rumia stares at the starry sky, the fog all but dissipated as the evening just begins to set in. "What's your favorite time?"

Idly, Vanilla surveyed the largely empty road. "Um…"

The words finished, Shikome puts the finishing touch on the sign: the heart.

...After a moment of watching her begin to draw an oblong shape, I correct her. "Not that kind of heart. Here…"

Using my gloved hands, I step over to the exposed chest cavity of the hobo, and dip two fingers into the liquefied mash of ribs and organs.

When I come back to the board, Shikome's wiped the more realistic-looking heart away, leaving just a reddish brown smudge. Crouching down, I draw a legitimate symbol heart.

...I stand. "There."

...In the background, Vanilla's stomach growls.

"Hehehe~!" Rumia turns to her, then to the hobo with the liquefied organs. "...His tummy's kinda mushy, but his leg're probably good still!"

Holding her stomach, the little vampire makes an enduring expression. "No- no thanks…"

...Standing up from the sign, Shikome walks exactly along the outside of it until she reaches the hobo, and dips her fingers down into the bloody mess.

Then, she steps up to Vanilla, holding up the bloodied fingers.

Receptive, Vanilla looks at her, then down at the fingers. "Uh... uhm- mm!" Shikome thrusts her bloody fingers into the vampire's mouth.

"You need to drink." Shikome instructs her.

...The fingers slip from Vanilla's mouth, now dry. Quietly, she looks down at the floor. "...I- I… don't want to drink from dead people."

Looking over at me, Shikome grabs onto my wrist and gives me a powerful tug forward. "Here." She holds up my arm.

Frowning, Vanilla looks up at me. "No- I-... is he- are you okay with this?" She asks me for confirmation.

...If I said no, Shikome would probably make me pay it back, in blood. Actually, I'm already paying in blood.

"Sure." I consent to being a blood donor. "Don't take too much, now." I need to not die, or even pass out, preferably.

...Looking to her sides, Vanilla takes a few steps towards me, before accepting my arm from Shikome and looking it over. Almost idly, she runs her arms along the sleeve as if looking for a vulnerability, before trying to roll it up. "Hnnh…"

After barely getting my sleeve up- as this suit was rather stuffy and stiff- she settles for my wrist. Adjusting my arm and herself, she gets into position and-

...Hmm. I expect this to become painful in a few moments. Her teeth are currently in my wrists, and I feel a rather awkward motion, as if something were being lightly, gently tugged from me. I say awkward, because the feeling's inconsistent, stopping and starting randomly.

"Fwa~h…" She extracts her tiny fangs from my wrists, leaving rather messy, openly bleeding teeth marks. "Mmnh…" Politely, she wipes her face a little. You know, that hurt less than I anticipated. Perhaps because she's young.

...Stepping back from me, she nods. "I'm done. Are you okay?"

"No." I shake my head. "I'm dead now."

...Vanilla just gives me a dry stare. "You're okay."

Sign: check. Hobo stew: check. Wines? Hmm. Maybe I'll just dip a bottle in the blood, fill it with the water scissors, mix it up.

Now we just need to attract _customers_. Those guards might be able to act as pretend bouncers if we stripped them of their armor…

/ / / / ONE ETERNITY LATER / / / /

Rounding the alley just outside the bar, I approach it from the entryway…

The two hypnotized guards were stationed at the front with their armor off and pikes propped against the wall behind them, their arms folded as they stood before the door.

Stepping past them, I glance around inside…

Vanilla and the commissar are in here at the moment, looking around sheepishly. Shikome's upstairs, ready to gank those who I see fit. The few wine bottles we had were filled with very distilled blood, and on some ghetto plywood boards we had sliced and diced human. The good part about using people is that you don't need to charge to compensate for supply costs…

...Stepping back outside, I looked up and saw Rumia on the roof. Since we have the flashy as fuck Golden Grin literally two spots down from us, we needed something flashy to attract people to our literal hole in the wall.

 _Fwa-fwam!_ ...Rumia spread her arms out, firing two thin blue lasers into the night sky.

...Tilting herself from side to side, she began to make the beams sway back and forth.

We seem to be all ready. The night shall now begin.

Stepping back into the bar, I immediately spot Shikome downstairs again, somehow.

"...You should be upstairs." I remind her of the agreed tactical positions.

Shaking her head, she approaches Vanilla, almost restlessly. "She will not be defiled."

I don't think I even told her about the plan. "Worry not. The only one about to be defiled is him." I point at the commissar.

Sneering, he counters with contempt. "You _defile_ this village with your mere _presence,_ youkai."

It sounds like he needs a spanking. He'll get one soon enough, I'm sure.

...Shikome gives me a lingering stare, before slowly trodding towards the stairs again. "Then see to it."

"Why- why are we talking about _defiling…?_ " Appearing scarce, Vanilla stares at me with apprehension.

"Nonspecific reasons." I comfort her. I wonder when we'll get our first customer…

…

Commissar turns to her, speaking quickly. "They plan to sell us, I know they do. Look- listen, there's a way out of this, and-... there's a way out of this. Simply listen to me, and-"

"Umm…" Vanilla interrupts him. "...You're with those guard people, right?"

"Yes!" He nods enthusiastically. "We protect the town from _vile youkai_ , and-"

"I don't trust you." Putting it simply, Vanilla looks away from him.

"Wh-... what!?" Bewildered, the commissar raises his voice. "What do you mean, you don't trust me!? Are you saying you trust _them!?_ "

"Wh- what's a youkai?" The young vampire questions him, glancing back at him.

"An inhuman _beast_ , of course. Like those you see now." He gazes at her with a focused stare.

"...I- I'm not a human." Vanilla informs him. "I'm a vampire."

…

The commissar just blinked in disbelief. "...You-... they- they would not do this to their own kind, no. That is simply what you've been informed-"

"I'm pretty sure I'm a vampire." Vanilla speaks back with actual bite. "Actually- I _know_ I'm a vampire. Didn't you see me suck his blood before…?" She gestures to me.

"...So," glaring at her, he bares his teeth, "fine. If you aid me, this village shall be indebted to you. It shouldn't matter _what_ you are, as long as-"

"It- it'd be better for us both if you just kept quiet…" Vanilla shushes him. "As… weird as these people are, they're the only safety I have in this place. I don't wanna go off on my own, either…"

"...Then that is it then." He speaks in a quick, upset tone. "Simply because you _do not trust me_ , we will be _sold_ and _bartered_ on the street-"

"Be quiet." Vanilla outright tells him to shut up.

" _Idiot._ " Spitting out his last remark, he narrows his eyes and glares off into the bar's empty space.

…

"You know, I'm standing right here." I remind them both.

"If she'd actually cooperated, that'd be a non-issue." The commissar bit back at me. "But no. She does not trust me. Clearly a life of servitude is superior to listening to _logic and reason_."

"I wouldn't trust you in that drag either." I jab at his appearance.

...Frowning, he turns away again. "Disgusting."

…

After a moment, I start to speak. "I should probably-"

"He~y, what's this…?" Oh. Someone's showed up at the front door. "Some kinda knockoff G.G?"

A what.

"Go on in." The two guards at the door speak their pre-recorded lines that we had Vanilla inscribe into their skulls.

Snorting, the guy sizes up one. "...Bro. You just get off work? Look like ya just dropped your steel and limped over here."

"Go on in." He speaks solidly, arms folded and leaning against the storefront like he was dead.

...The man gives him a wave, before moving to walk inside. "Alright, whatever."

As he steps in, I finish rounding the counter and grab a bucket off the racks, and begin… cleaning it. With my bare hands.

"honh" Something's hiding inside it, which I can in fact clean with my bare hands.

...Looking around, the short-haired man nodded as he sized up the place.

Within a moment, Vanilla began to move towards the counter, before scrambling and staying put. "Ri- right. Wait for them to sit…"

Once he's lumbered around and taken in the bland sights, the man starts to meander towards the counter. "See why you're called _small packages_." Smiling, he nods at the commissar as he sits at the front counter. Turning away from me, he faces the stout one fully. "What's up, little cutie?"

"You're being _deceived_." The commissar instantly speaks out at him. "This is not an establishment, this is a disaster!"

Chuckling, the guy tilts his head back. "Wo~w. Big vocabulary for someone so _short_."

The remark takes the commissar aback. "Wh… what's wrong with being _short?_ "

"Aa~h, nothin'." Nodding, the guy looks over at me. "So, what you serve here, got anything good?"

...I am unfamiliar with this locale's wines. Probably because I've never drank a drop in my life. "Scarlet tinge. Iron bars. Lead pipes."

The guy snorts, before looking around. "...Yeah, whatever, the drinks're formality."

 _Clack_. He brings his arm down on the counter, leaving a yen coin. "Cheapest spirits, please. Oh, and…" Taking a moment, he awkwardly draws a second coin from his jacket. "Make it two."

"Sure." Turning around, I grab a bottle of blood water-but-mostly-water. I don't have any cups, so…

"I have no cups," and I must scream, I inform him.

...Looking at me, he gives me a funny stare before reaching out and taking the bottle from my hands. "Fuck it." Reeling his head back, he starts guzzling it.

…After a moment, he ceases. "Fwa~h. Shit. I was about to feel bad for givin' you two coins for a bottle, but this…" Furrowing his brows, he swishes it around. "Wha' proof is this, even?"

"Very light." As in, none.

He snorts. "Damn right it's very light, shit…" ...After a moment, he smiles and shrugs. "As long as this shit only cost a coin a bottle, right? Right?"

Considering it's water and blood, two resources we got for free, sure. "Sure."

"Hahaha~!" Reeling his head back, the guy laughs. "Good on ya! That's what I like ta hear! Got a good head, barkeep!"

"Go on in." I hear the bouncers outside allow in another customer. Oh, boy.

...The grey jacket-clad man passes his drink to the commissar. "C'mon. C'mo~n."

...Resilient, the stout probably-man frowns. "I- I do not _drink_ , slob."

"Not even if I make you la~ugh?" Grinning, the guy turns to 'her' fully…

It seems that the customer who came in was a rather unassuming-looking adult…

"Go on in." We're getting more attention than anticipated. I suppose setting up on Main Street would have something to do with it…

/ / / / PUTTING SAND IN THE ROCKS, PUTTING ROCKS IN THE SAND / / / /

"Aa~h…" Vanilla hustled down to the rightmost table, holding two plywood squares with meat on them. We only had a few cracked plates, so it seems the spare plywood is coming in handy.

"Drink, drink, drink…" The grey jacketed, slick-haired man from before was now having the commissar chug a bottle of totally-not-water. Probably in an attempt to get him drunk, but since there's no alcohol…

"Ma~n…" I feel like the guy to the left of him is the guard captain, but considering his tired face and black hair are like many others, I really can't tell without his armor on. "Fuck. I really miss when we had more bars like this."

The table to the left has some rather stuffy people seated at it, and the table to the right just seems to be regular guys.

"I kno~w, man." The slick-haired guy grinned at the captain. "G.G's pretty good though, y'know?"

"Fuck Golden Grin." The guard captain sneered at the slick-haired guy.

The slick-haired guy jerked his head back. "What, you gay?"

"If it means not walking into a big fucking trap, _sure_." The black-haired man argued. "It's covered in sparkles for a reason. How much you wanna bet they serve human meat?"

Wow. I'm not even sure what to think about that.

Jerking his head back, slick man looks neutral about that. "...Aa~h. This place don't look like a real _quality_ establishment either, man."

"So?" The captain leans onto the counter. "If there's a youkai or two here," he gestures to _me_ , "so what? They look so fuckin' understaffed, we could probably beat 'em to death with the _food._ When I show up at the Grin, I gotta-... I feel like I'll just get fucking _kidnapped_ , you know?"

"Yeah, I get what you're sayin'..." The slick man nods. "I was thinkin', they probably offer _services_ here, y'know what I'm sayin'?"

The captain-esque guy snorts. "No shit. If anything, _that's_ probably a trap."

Grinning, the slick man shakes his head. "Ma~n- you just said you'd rather drink it down at this dump than G.G! Make up your mind, man…"

…

At that, the slick guy looks over at me while the commissar slowly chugs the bottle. Then, he leans across the counter. "Hey- boy."

...I tilt my mask towards him exaggeratedly.

"She- she got a price?" He keeps his voice hush.

"Twenty thousand per hour." I utter. That sounds about right. About two hundred in _American_. "Twelve thousand per half hour."

"You do _half hours?_ " The man nods in appreciation. "Fuck. Okay," he turns to the maybe-a-guard-captain. "If I'm not back in thirty minutes, beat this guy to death with the food."

The captain-esque man just shakes his head. "Stupid. Have fun."

As the slick, jacketed man gets up, I look over at him. "Room's up the stairs and to the right." The leftmost room has Shikome in it.

"Oh, even a room…" Standing up, the jacketed guy places a hand on the stout man's shoulders. "You drunk enough yet? C'mon, I'll take ya to bed."

...As the commissar sets his bottle down, he glares at me.

I step towards his position and lean in to speak with him. "You _will_ go with him. You have no choice in the matter. Shikome's close by, and I gave her very specific orders. Think wisely- for everyone's sake." ...I didn't really tell her anything related to him. Other than that he would be defiled, that is.

...Wordlessly, the commissar stood from his stool. Once the man began to drag him along, he broke his vow of silence. "Un- unhand me."

"Hahaha~..." The man ushers him along. "No can do, sweetie. Don't worry, I'll make you feel right at home. I know how it can be."

...Once they got out of earshot, near the staircase, I look back at the captain-esque guy.

"Nice stairs." He quips at the stacked plywood stairs. "You have this place built in a day?" Yeah- funny story...

"It was a rush job." I admit. "Money has been limited."

"...Bet you're in debt." He guesses.

Good guess. "...You could say that. My parents frequented the Golden Grin, before they went into… heavy debt, and now I'm here by myself." The debt was so high it manifested into a youkai and killed them.

"Knew it." At that, he nodded. "So you started to compete with 'em, huh? Like that kinda spirit."

…

"Speakin' a spirits," the guy swishes his bottle around, "this stuff is some fucking _garbage_."

"Go on in." Oh, another person. I find it interesting those people at the side tables don't do much. The guys on the right seem like they're just hanging out really, which is probably fine.

...The stuffy people have finished their meats, and seem to be pouring the drink into shot glasses they carried on them.

...A busty woman with long, auburn hair and a long plain dress wanders in, carrying a furled parasol under her arms.

Scanning the storefront, she slowly steps up to the counter, and takes the seat next to the guardly guy.

"Interesting place." She speaks softly. Looking over at me, she smirks. "Nice sign, by the wa~y."

That's nice.

"Go on in." Another?

...Promptly, a man with a very spiffy, white and grey checkered shirt power walked inside. Instantly, he comes right up to the counter and takes an unoccupied seat. "Coffee, right now! I'm on the case!"

Coffee. What do you think we are, an upstanding establishment? You're getting our 'water-with-a-few-tablespoons-of-blood' special.

...As I pour the water from my scissors into one of the spare bottles, already filled with the applicable blood, I hear another person. "Go on in." Really, now…

...I look up, to see it's just some blond guy, meandering inside. I recognize him, for some reason, but I can't put my finger on it.

The auburn-haired wench gives the spiffy man a frown, before looking at me again. "...You're dressed awfully nice, aren't you? I like it."

"You're a bunch of class acts." The guard-esque man jeered at pretty much all of us. "When the hell'd all the sticks in the mud walk into the first bar they laid their eyes on?"

...I give the hyper spiffy man his bottle. "Here."

"...Um, sir." He looks up at me, bringing a hand to his chin. "This appears to not be coffee, but rather… _booze_."

"Only one type of bottle." I justify. "It'll wake you up alright."

...Shaking his head, he brings up the bottle. "Bottoms up!" He begins to chug it...

Idly, the blonde guy sits down, and places some yen bills on the counter. "Bottle 'a your strongest."

Now, we only have so many bottles here…

The fashion disaster guy turns to him, ceasing his chugging. "Oh, hey Albus!"

"Fuck off." Albus all but deflates into the counter.

Grinning, he tilts his head. "Looking for a new frequent?"

"Mmh." Albus is dead inside.

"Oh, hey." Guard guy looks over at him. "Albus. What's good?"

"Oh…" Albus looks up from the counter. "Hagane. What the fuck."

Hagane grins. "Came to see what the atmosphere was like. Apparently everyone else did too."

...After playing diner dash for a good few moments, Vanilla finally returns to me. "He- hey…"

I turn to her. "Hi. Everyone served?"

"Yeah…" She takes a breath. "Should be good."

Hagane looks at her with mild confusion. "...She even old enough to work?"

I have no idea.

The busty lady turned to him. "Hagane-ku~n. She probably has to work this job for family or something…"

...Hagane turns to her. "Do I know you?"

"You should." Smiling, she leans forward-

"No, no, fuck off." He pushes her back with his arm. "I've got a sword."

She snorts. "A sword? I'd like to see it."

Snorting himself, he shakes his head. "Seriously. Don't do anything you'll regret."

She tilts her head. "Or wha~t? You'd hit a pretty woman like me?"

"I'd stab you in the fucking gut, yeah." He allows a hand to lower for emphasis. "We can take this outside. I've got permits, too."

…

She looks away from him, pretending that exchange never happened.

Albus looks over at me. "Where's my _dri~nk!?_ " Do you have to yell?

"You scared it off." ...Looking over at Vanilla, I see she's replaced some empty bottles, so I just take one and begin filling it with water beneath the counter. "Hold on."

...Albus allows his head to hang.

…

The busty woman leans over the counter, speaking to me directly. "How long you've been running this place? I've never seen it before…"

It has been in the family ever since man has been put on this planet. Before there was a human village, there was this bar.

"You're so _cute_." She informs the man whose face she literally cannot see. As in, me.

I give her a blank stare in return. "You want something?"

"Oh…" She sits down on her chair properly, looking to the side. "You don't need to be so _bold_." What even.

...Quickly, I slip out the back door, pivot around to the nearby wall, and dip the bottle into the open body hung up there. It was put there literally not too long ago, so everything's still fresh. Even just a little blood should convince people it's more than just water.

With that done, I walk back inside and hand it to Albus. "Here."

"Thanks." He accepts the bottle, pops it open, and chugs it. I take the money he laid out on the counter in exchange…

...The busty girl speaks again. "Do you need any help? I could lend a hand, or two…"

I turn to her. "Do you want to make innuendos all day, or do you want to fuck something?"

The spiffy guy snorts. "Aa~h…"

" _You._ " She blurts, before bringing her hands to her cheeks. "Oh my, I said it. Whatever shall I do…?"

Hagane just gives her a jaded expression. Well, that's pretty much his default expression, but in this case especially so.

...I turn to Vanilla. "Watch the customers." Then, I turn to the totally legit whore woman. "Follow me."

"Fu- ah, ehehe…" She brings a hand up to her mouth. "You're a _dear_." You're a deer.

I progress towards the plywood stairs, and start climbing them. The woman follows closely behind me, before moving to hold my hand, something I evade by promptly sticking my hands in my pockets. "Hehehe~."

...Once we get upstairs, I proceed into the leftmost room.

Going through the empty doorframe into the almost empty room, I see Shikome in the corner out of eyeshot, petting Rumia. Judging by the hole in the roof, it seems Rumia came in for the evening.

...The certainly legitimate woman follows me inside. "...A back room? I like it like that…"

Reaching the midst of the room, I turn around, facing her.

The woman begins to smile, only her lips shifting. "I like it like that a lot, actually."

 _Bam!_ The door slams behind her.

"You see…" Stepping forward, she begins to reveal her pearly white teeth-

 _Fwoof!_ Relatively small, grey succubus wings spread out from her back. "I work best one on one."

"That's nice." I nod in appreciation, before looking over at Shikome. "Dinner is here."

Shikome stands up, propping Rumia on her legs before walking over towards us.

...The succubus turns around, noticing them. "Oh? Aaw, and who are-"

 _Shink!_ Within seconds, Shikome slid the first tendril into her chest cavity. "Th-... them?"

 _Shi-shi-shink!_ Three more tendrils entered the succubus, two into her throat and one into her abdomen.

 _Bam!_ Bringing the body up, Shikome pressed it against the wall, seemingly tugging the tendrils in different directions-

 _Kri-krik-krik_. She's not torn apart, but her bones sound like they've been turned into a demolition derby.

Weakly, she brings her arms up to grab onto the tendrils invading her throat, her nails extending, but she doesn't accomplish much doing this.

"Chthonic whore." Shikome states bluntly.

"Hhh~..." The succubus' throat makes airy noises-

 _Krik!_ Shikome brought a tendril back and up the succubus' throat, both to the point it came out her mouth, and to the point her neck snapped.

…

Shikome retracts all her tendrils.

Thud. The succubus' vaguely frayed, limp body fell onto its side.

Overall, there was only a small pool of blood where Shikome first engaged the succubus, and where she pressed her against the wall, where the neck was. It will likely fade quickly.

...Stepping up to the corpse, I kneel down and check the pockets.

As it turns out, she ha~s… around eleven thousand yen on her. Perfumes, empty glass vials...

I'll just take the money. Perhaps we can make special love meat out of the body or something.

"I need you girls to make this body last, somehow." I instruct the lolis. "...If it's possible."

"Ooo~!" Rumia stands up, and begins moving towards it. "I don't like succubus, but I can cook it!"

That works, probably. Cooked succubus.

...Nodding at the sight of Rumia-

 _Fwam!_ -firing danmaku into the succubus' corpse, I proceed towards the door out.

As I exit the doorless room, the door to the rightmost room opens. After a moment, the slick-haired man lumbers out, before suddenly noticing my presence. "Oh- hey."

...I stare at him as he somewhat sluggishly makes his way out of the room, holding open the door behind himself. "Waitin' for my money, huh? Here." Digging into his pockets, he took out the applicable yen and handed them over to me. "... _She's_ real cute." Smiling and nodding at me, he gives me a wink.

I should probably make the next customer pay upfront, although such situations are nothing Shikome couldn't solve.

"Oh, and hope ya don't mind, we used those rags you left in there to clean up." He began moving towards the staircase.

...Oh, right. We stripped some of the dead hobos of their clothing and left them in a pile in there. I suppose they'd make paper towel substitutes.

"See ya~!" The man called out as he progressed down the stairs.

…

A moment later, the stout commissar stepped out of the room, clad in his maid uniform again, albeit more sloppily attached. His shoes were also still off, so he was walking around with stocking-clad legs.

I glance at his ruffled blonde hair, and positively livid expression. It looks like he cried, too.

I give him a nod, before moving back downstairs, briefly gesturing for him to follow.

/ / / / MOOGLES AND MOGULS / / / /

Back down here, Vanilla seems to be holding her own at the counter well enough.

I'm in time to see the slick-haired, jacket-clad man leave the bar, giving the bouncers a final pat on the shoulder and parting greet.

"Go on in." The guard informs him.

"Ahah, maybe next time!" Boisterously, he bounds away from them.

"Go on in." As he leaves, the guard's voice was ignored.

"A-ah…" No one's walked into the bar yet, so Vanilla hasn't had to fulfill any new orders since I've been gone.

"What's working here like?" Hagane interrogates her for workplace safety standards, presumably.

"...Al- alright." Vanilla supplies. "I don't hate it."

I start to approach the bar counter, stepping up to Vanilla and gazing at the customers.

The guy with the grey checkerboard sweater looks at me. " _He~y_ \- you know, this stuff's no coffee, but it wakes me up alright! I… think?"

Yeah. It tends to do that.

Albus lays his empty bottle on its side, and starts to stand. "Worthless. I'll come back when you serve _alcohol_."

You do that.

…

Hagane yawns. "Mn~h. Well, it i~s about that time. I'm not even _buzzed_." Standing up, he begins to move after Albus. "See ya around, barkeep."

...That just leaves the grey-haired fashion disaster at the counter.

Kri-krik. His neck idly cracks as he articulates his head. "Haa~h. Whelp, off to work on that case! Nice place!" With that, he begins power walking away.

Sighing in relief, Vanilla's posture relaxes. "So many people…"

If you say so.

…

With the counter clear of customers, I look over at the table of stuffy people in the left corner. Some of them seem to be standing, and it seems the regular guys on the right are getting up, too. Does everyone just have a sixth sense for their bedtimes?

...A man with long grey hair and a fancy navy coat steps up to me. "...I must say, your meats are crap, and your wine is distilled. We _were_ going to issue seizures of this unlawful use of property, but..." Looking at the mostly barren wine rack behind me, he shakes his head. "There is no need, is there?"

Probably people who work for the village. "Probably not."

He snorts. "See to it you do not advertise by the common venues. I'll send someone tomorrow to further negotiate this deal."

Corrupt people who work for the village. "Sure." Unless the village just does things _that_ shadily.

...With that, the man begins to stomp off, the less imposing looking poofy guys waiting at the entrance for him.

…

Things are quite quiet, now. I suppose I live here, too. Among the lolis and the degenerates.

Looking down at my bottles and at the counter, I nod. This does indeed seem like a viable way to earn money…

"I'm…" Vanilla starts to move for the stairs. "I'm going to bed, if… that's alright."

Aren't vampires nocturnal creatures? "...Don't use the couch." I advise her.

"...Why?" She asks the innocent question.

...I look at the commissar, who silently stands in the back of the room, glaring a hole in me.

"Just don't." I decide.

"...Okay." Neutrally accepting this, she starts to walk up the somewhat rotated, uneven plywood staircase.

...This place needs a carpenter, doesn't it? I suppose I'll work on that in the coming days.

Oh, right. Looking over at the commissar, I give him instructions. "You're sleeping on the couch."

"I-... you- you're not getting away, with this." He's still glaring at me. "Mon- monster."

"Human." I inform him. "Flattery won't get you a paycheck."

...Narrowing his eyes- reminding me of his runny makeup- he moves for the stairs. "You- you'll see…"

Indeed.

…

I suppose I should be heading up, too.

 _Click. Click_. In the next moment, I hear a pair of heels progressing into the bar.

"My~..." Looking up, my eyes meet Yukari's. "I see you've chosen to get your feet wet in our lovely economy, here."

Apparently. "I'm here to make money and sell traps."

She snorts. "Aren't we all? Although our definitions of 'trap' may vary…" Unfurling a fan, she holds it before her face, scanning my bar… "That was quite a stunt, earlier. Not quite an elegant showing, but it was certainly a pep of energy for everyone involved, no?"

I think she means the village guard brawl. "...I suppose."

"Fufufu~..." Taking a seat at the counter before me, she makes a request. "Food and drink, if you would please."

Okay. Moving, I go to get the hobo parts I require-

"Raw." She requests. "Don't dilute the blood, either."

Sure.

...After some moments of beating up a body nailed to the wall for blood, and using a tattered rag to extract a red, fleshy innard, I bring both the bottle and meat to the waiting youkai.

"Thank you~..." As I set down the food and drink, she lets her fan float into the air beside her, as she reaches to consume the food.

Picking up the unidentified meaty chunk with her gloved hand, she brings it to her mouth-

 _Squish._ The particularly gooey bit makes a wet noise as she bites down on it, simply pulling and rotating her head to rend the meat from the bite. "Hmm…" Furrowing her brows, she tilts her head.

After she swallows, she smiles. "A reminder of my youth, I suppose. Though, I could never so simply go to a bar and order it, I'm sure. Fufufu~!"

Looking up at me, she comments further. "If only you'd had better meat available. Still, what you've gotten ahold of _is_ notable, for a being such as yourself."

It _was_ a dead hobo.

She tilts her head to the other side. "Considering this is a bar, it's apt, isn't it? Devouring deceased alcoholics, that is. You can taste it, although this sample is particularly… vague."

...Setting down the meat with her red stained gloves, she tilted her head back and swung an arm for the bottle. Bringing it to her lips, she chugged it.

 _Gulp- gulp- gulp- gulp- gulp…_

...In a second, she politely puts it back down, the bottle now empty. "He's been dead for some hours, hasn't he? I suppose refrigeration has made me spoiled..."

"I could use a fridge." I make a request she will surely fulfill.

"Oh?" Looking up at me, she winks. "Anything, for you."

Clack.

...A tiny, Fisher Price play-fridge was placed on the counter, next to her meal.

Leaning over to it, she folded it open, revealing plastic food inside. "It has all the kitchen necessities. Isn't it cute?"

...I stare at Yukari blankly.

"All business, aren't you…?" She pouts at me. "O~h well."

Resting her arms on the counter, she tilts her head forward. "You may kill no more than three individuals daily. Attacking guards are exempt, in quantities under ten, and only when not enticed to do so."

"Yes, Mom." I progress through her lecture.

...At that, she smiles. "Just wanted you to know where we stand. Today, you killed around fifteen, twenty people. If you kept that up, this village would soon be empty!"

I see. "...What if I did keep it up?"

"You'd be removed, to put it simply." Yukari nodded, still smiling. "Don't make me do tha~t. At this rate, I wouldn't even need to do it myself."

I shrug. "It's not me who's doing it."

"I refer also to your little friend." Yukari's fan drifts before her face, although the smile drops from her eyes. "She can be removed just as easily as you. And, if you ever lose tabs on her... be aware that my request applies to both of you."

Okay.

With that, she smiles again. "Fufufu~. I'm glad we could reach an agreement. Oh, that reminds me…" She points upstairs. "You may sell services to your clients as much as you desire, but limit those consumed to two per day. Again- hmm…"

She looks into the air for a moment, before shaking her head. "On second thought, three kills daily, yes. Not enough people to allow for _five_ kills a day, no."

...Actually. "If they're youkai, do they count?"

Yukari's fan folds up, and she smiles. "Goo~d question! No, they do not. Kill as many youkai as you desire, but do not feed their parts, fluids, or clothing to the humans."

Huh.

"Oh. One more thing…" Smiling warmly, Yukari leans back… "Nnn~... if you kill anyone noteworthy, you and your friend will be killed without notice. You know who I'm talking about."

If I kill Reimu, I will be banished to the shadow realm, so on and so forth.

"...Good. I think that's everything…" Standing up, Yukari yawns. "Oo~h… I need sleep. Good night." With that, she begins to walk out of the bar…

"Hey." I speak up, before she leaves. "...You want an hour with him?"

...Yukari shakes her head without turning around. "I'll have to decli~ne. It's not one of _those_ days… and probably won't be for quite some time."

Looking back at me, she winks. "Then again, I'm only seventeen, you know? Fufufu~!"

Once she reaches the door, a gap opens before her and consumes her.

...The room is now totally silent. I can hear the girls upstairs thumping about.

/ / / / FLUFFLE THWASHES / / / /

Arriving upstairs, I see the lolis in their natural habitat.

"Ya~y!" Rumia pushes Vanilla into the idle Shikome, before glomping both of them.

...The weight slowly causes Shikome to tip over, before-

 _Thud_. -landing on her back, otherwise unaffected.

...Nodding at this, I sit on my crappy sleeping bag. I need a bed. Maybe I can sleep in that treasure chest and become a mimic.

It's also dark as fuck. We need lights. I can only make out the girls' positions because Shikome and Rumia's eyes glow in the dark.

...Flopping over on my glorified blanket, I take in the cold, musty atmosphere of the upper level.

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

END OF CHAPTER 70.5

PROTAGONIST: Matthew, the Debatably Sane Outsider, Lord of Edges, Scissor-Slinging Slasher, Insurance Fraud Expert, Used Goods Reseller, Evil Spirit Cultivator, Shrine Maiden Evader, Professional Youkai Developer, Legitimate Business Man

PRIMARY WEAPON: Dash Scissors - Succubus training tool. Allows horizontal quick-dashes, for dodging and agility purposes. Doubles as scissors for kinky, cloth-cutting occasions. Or stabbing. Sleek, black design.

OFFHAND ITEMS: [A Single Rubber Glove] - For those moments one needs to touch a live power wire with one hand and fap with the other.

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - Takes up no inventory space, because it is the inventory space. Has nine slots, and is easily accessible.

Steel Scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Quick Scissorang - Non-elemental scissors that are enchanted to return to the owner with ferocity. Not that powerful of a weapon, but combined with strong string it can be used like a powerful grappling hook. Looks like it belongs in a Barbie catalog.

Shadow Hell Scissors - Fire elemental scissors. Ignites with every swing. Boosts power of fire spells. Forty percent fire resistance. Increases comfort when near fire. Allows user to cast Fire, Hellfire, Dark Fire, and Dark Fira.

Blessed Steel Scissors - Stained lightly with dried blood from a young human female. Sharp, shiny-ish, and to the point! Also blessed...

Steel-alloy String - An experimental item provided by Alice as part of her testing. She uses these herself to manage her dolls, or so I'm told.

A Tuft of Cloth Strings - Pink, regular cotton string. It's soft, and clean.

Danger Scissors Plus - Let's get dangerous. Randomly spawns anything from anywhere at any time at all, dependent on the power of the party or people around it while it is equipped.

(one more space remaining)

[Backpack] - Allows extended inventory, of twenty slots. Can hold larger items, but it takes longer to pull them out. Items inside are safer. It's also baby barf green.

Hedge Cutters - Rusty lawn pruning tool used by farmers to keep the vile hedges at bay. They're also sharp, so they've probably been used more than once in self-defense.

Teal Stone - Cool and refreshing to hold, exuding power of the wind. It's sort of shiny, too. Perhaps usable as a reagent.

Hackjob Rifle - A pseudo-railgun, made from an AK-47 barrel and a mangled toy gun. Laced with duct tape and wires to function, powered by electrical scissors, and uses small iron pellets as ammunition. Explodes violently if fed anything non-iron as ammo. Outside is coated with vegetable oil and must be wetted regularly to avoid violence upon powering up. Quite powerful.

Water Scissors - Scissors that continuously produce water. How troublesome. 

Goldfish Snack Crackers - They're smiling. They might make a good snack...

Modern-ish Surge Protector - Protects against surges. Not very useful without unified electrical practices in housing. Can still be used as a paperweight and a brick, though.

[Rubber Pouch] - Stores electrical objects safely. Too small to add extra inventory, but doesn't take up any space when it's filled. Currently holding electric scissors.

Electrical Scissors - Must be held by gloves at all times, lest they cause electrical fires. Can cause severe shocking and electricity-induced stunning in individuals susceptible, including myself if I'm stupid. Unable to be turned off.

Holy Pot - A torso-sized holy pot used as a vehicle by flufflekind. Has holy properties and resistances for obvious reasons.

(twelve more spaces remaining)

==o==

PARTY:

Shikome, the Black Scion of the Saigyou

WEAPON: Dark Tendrils - Able to create tendrils from any part of her body, she can use them for powerful dark/physical attacks.

INVENTORY:

[Defiled Kimono] - Coated in the coagulated blood of numerous unlucky people. Grants pockets.

(two inventory spaces remaining)

==o==

Rumia, Youkai of the Dusk

WEAPON: Unarmed.

INVENTORY:

[Rumia's Outfit] - Some kind of outfit. I'm not sure how Rumia maintains it. Properties unknown. Grants pockets.

Red Ribbon - It's a ribbon in her hair. It's small, too. Takes up no inventory space. Properties unknown.

(two inventory spaces remaining)

==o==

Vanilla, the Loli Vampire

WEAPON: Unarmed.

INVENTORY:

[Cloak] - A dull black cloak. No inventory space, but takes up none when worn.

(no inventory space)

==o==

Kid Commissar, the Ex-Commander, Trap Prostitute

WEAPON: Unarmed.

INVENTORY:

[Maid Outfit] - A Scarlet Devil Mansion standard issue outfit, for short fairies. Grants pockets.

(six inventory spaces remaining)

==o==

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

the big nugget chapter

WE PROBABLY CROSSED SOME LINES but y'know yo no graphic imagery of sex so s'all good in the hood man; i'm sure anyone who's read this far ain't quite so _squeamish_

this was an idea my proofreaders wanted done for awhile and as they got hype about it i was like "you know this actually sounds like a fun step up"

in more practical literature hitting some insane note like this without plans for insaner notes later is pretty much totally shitty planning but _this ain't practical literature_ yo

for some reason this chapter seemed to flow pretty well for the most part; whenever i have to take a break the dividing period feels choppy to me so that whole fluidity perception is probably invalid until i like reread it with an open mind and shieut

it's weird how different one's emotion in scenes can feel from the actual scene when it deals with more complex elements… not thematically, just like, "there's a fuckton of characters and this is a chore to keep track of mid-writing but the end-product's not bad". XD issa curious dissonance and it's a skill i feel like more aspiring writers ought to develop because i feel like there's just gonna be times you don't feel invested period, but if you want it done you really need to want it done

i've been immersed in this idea awhile and typically shocking elements don't hit me as hard and my intuitive feels have been a tad scrambled by college stuff so i'm interested as to how people feel about this chapter XD

as always, see you all next time!

==o==

CO-AUTHOR'S NOTE:

we've crossed so many lines that there aren't any lines any longer. it's not like we needed them anyway, right? (could be worse, much worse)

but in all seriousness, i doubt it really matters since if you've gotten this far in the story, you know what to expect at this point. this chapter even literally said "bar brothel" in the heading. either you read on because you were interested in what that would entail, or you didn't.

as for the chapter itself… yeah it's nice

i'm not sure if shikome's antics were overdone or not. some people may like them, while others may not. there's really no way of knowing, so we're just gonna go with the flow and see what happens... there really is a high rate of lesbianism in this story, isn't there. and lolis, many lolis. almost like it was made by sexual deviants

if anyone asks, this was a joint effort between me and another proofreading guy. writefag himself didn't have much of a say in the matter, huhuhuh

it seems like such a shame that these chapters have to strictly be after three brad chapters, but it's whatever. not everyone's gonna like them and continuing the trend is purely for the sake of consistency (and probably sanity)

even if you don't read these chapters, you're gonna get to know the place better later on with brad, so look forward to it!

yeah bye

p.s. writefag overreacts about whether the writing is good or not


	90. Domestic Domination!

(in which we have the great family feast)

The sun sat- or at least I think. Freakin'... overcast! Anyway, the sun sat as the three of us moseyed on along to the village gates again. The fog was sedate, allowing wide, generous range around us to see.

Me, Genkan 'n' Maria are on our way back to the village. The big girls in charge wanted to clean up stuff, and a giant metal factory is not an easy place to dismantle…!

Drip, drip. The way back to the village was really peaceful. Like… nothing. No youkai, no birds, no fairies raisin' hell. Just the idle sounds of water dripping from something on a tree we're passin', and our footsteps.

As we proceeded onto the Bamboo Forest to Human Village path, something we did by freakin' _grazing the plains_ off Youkai Mountain, Genkan began to look over us…

"It's been fun." She gives us a smile. "...However, I need to… nap, recuperate, among other things."

"No problem, yo." I give her a thumbs up! "Don't let the gorillas in the mist take you away, dude."

Snorting, she shakes her head and begins drifting off the side of the path. "I will make an effort."

"Have fu~n!" Oh, yeah, Ha-chan got better when we left the factory. Freakin'... fairies have some kinda intimate connection with nature that big metal disasters can fuck with, apparently.

"Bye…!" Maria gives her a wave!

...With that, Genkan escaped… for now! Wahaha~!

After some lazy walking, we come up to the village gate in the dim evening…

The guard there just looks tired. Aw, yo…

Stepping up to him, I slide my visor up. "Hey, son."

"Go away." The armored, pike-armed dude just kinda kept relaxin' against the gate. "We~ do'h li~ your ki-... nd…"

…

"Son." I step up to him! "If ya don't let us in yo, if ya don't let us in- I'm gonna _scream._ I'm gonna scream, _really_ loudly at you!"

"Don't..." He begs of me, eyes pretty much closed.

...Turning softly to Maria, I smile at her.

...After staring at her long enough to make her wonder if I was staring at someone else, I speak warmly in whisper. "Aw, look yo. Little noobie's sawing logs…"

Glancing back at him, nodding gingerly, I try to convince Maria of a premise! "Isn't it cute, yo?"

...Maria just gives me a glance, before holding her staff tightly. "...Ki- kinda."

...Nodding, I slowly reach into my bag, and pull out the Bawmber. I hold it up to my lips… "Shh~..."

Maria looks at me with worry.

Stepping up to the sleeping angel, I reel my hanger back…

…

And-

 _Boom! Boom! Boom!_

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We walk up to the gate again, me in my monk robes this time, and Ha-chan clad in a bush we found. Yeah, we just fuckin' yanked it up. No one will know, dude, no one will know.

The guard was margins more awake now than before! Half of him was covered in mud for _undiscerned reasons_ , and his helmet was still hanging half off his head, charred faintly.

Pissed off, the dude leaned against the gate with his arms folded, glaring at us as we approached…

"Ah- I- Hello! Hello, sir!" Time to speak in an indian accent! "We- I buy you two fish gate access _pleese?_ " Pleese, yo.

...He just blinks at me, face sour. "Fuckin' monkey." Wat. ...Oh, shit, now I get it! I'm in monk robes, and…!

"Me- me and my friend would like inside…" Maria speaks up uncertainly. "If- if that's alright with you…"

" _Fine._ " The guard moved towards the gate reel. "One of these days, the captain'll bar _all_ youkai from the village. That means _you_ , monkey." He focuses on me as he says that…!

...Briefly turning to the bush inconspicuously on the path behind me and Maria, I grin back at him and start movin' to cooperate with my fairy friend... "I wi~ll _subdue you_ with this bush, son."

...With that gate reel up halfway, he turns to us. "The fuck're-"

 _Fwish!_ Me and Ha-chan quickly work together to toss the bush on him!

"Oh- fuck- what- fuck...!" Freaking out, he slaps his arms against the bush like it's some kind of monster, cringing back…!

Getting down on the- oh shit I didn't think this through- muddy ground, I start crawling. "Ma- Maria, get in!"

" _Freeze!_ " Oh, fuck-

 _Fwash!_ Ea~sy! You nearly freakin'... chilled me! She basically shot her shotgun spread of ice stuff into the mud, freezing it.

Getting down on all fours, she crawled under the gate, sliding across the frozen mud and getting out clean. Man, now I'm all covered in crappy shit…

Ha-chan slides under, too…

The guard finally works out how to fight a bush. "You! _You three!_ "

"Let's go…!" I begin running into the alleys! Fu~ck the town guard, dude, fuck it!

Maria sprints behind me, frazzled…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Why's everything _wet?_ Did it just rain while we were fighting the big booby or what?

As we progress down the alleys, we pass some freakin'... stupid-looking gutter system. Like, just some disjointed gutter system next to a house that just transports water and dumps it into a puddle. It's rusty, and is… just a bunch of metal half-shafts in a framework _next to_ a house. What is this…!?

As the night starts to set in, the fog's almost all gone. I can see the stars, kind of!

"We, um…" Maria spoke up in the darkness, yo. "Should… we go to Marcus's house? I'm… not sure if that'd be polite, or- or okay, but..." Then, she focuses on me! "Oh, I'm sorry- do you have a house?"

I nod. "Yeah, yo. My roof is the sky, and my floor is the dirt." Technically, the Hakurei barrier is my roof…!

"...You don't have a house?" Maria seems in vague disbelief about this. "Where do you live?"

"I don't." I smile at her. "They got me, dude."

Smilin' and shakin' her head, she starts leading… "I- I guess we'll go to Marcus's…"

Now that I think about it… "Don't _you_ have a house, yo?"

Freezing in place for a moment, she looks away. "You... could say that."

...Aw, it's the foster folks, innit? "We should crash there, dude."

She turns to me. "We- we can't. They wouldn't let you, and-..."

I shake my head. "Wouldn't _let me_ , huh? They wouldn't, but… the real question is if they _couldn't._ "

"I…" Maria clams up! "You- you shouldn't. You'll ruin your name…"

Aw, dude, my name! Brad the nonexistent will forever be licensed as a _scoundrel_ dude. 'Cause people can tell with this _neon yellow helmet_... that I don't have on right now, but could put on at a moment's notice!

"Aa~h, what's in a name, yo?" I wave off the notion! "I wanna meet the family!"

Maria snorts. "Yeah, family- look, Brad… I- I know how I made it sound, but it's fine, really."

Oh, s'that so.

...Reading my skepticism, she furrows her brows. "They… I- I just don't like them, is all. They're…"

...

They're...? That's a nice sentence, dude. Wish I could've said something like that.

"Nah, son, I wanna feast my eyes, dude. I mean…" Actually, as I say this, I start ta get some kinda idea… "What if you go in first, and I show up as some stranger moments later?"

"Ah…" She blinks at me. "Well- why does it even matter? Don't you have, um, things to do?"

"No." I shake my head…! "Look, yo, ya made 'em sound like jerks! And, if they're really jerks…" I pat my sack. "I'll _mediate_ the situation, dude."

…

"We- we'll go with that idea, then." Maria's decisive, dude! "You show up later… so if you do anything… _weird,_ I won't be blamed or anything. But… you really don't have to, if you don't want to. I- I… I'm sure, um, everyone has problems with their… guardians, sometimes."

You can't even call them _parents_. "...I dare ya to call them family."

…

No response? Not vocally, anyway. She just kinda looked away and pretended I said nothing.

"Let's… go." She begins to move. "Oh- and, um…" Pausing, she takes out her money that Kirisame gave her, and hands it to me. "Ho- hold onto this, for now. My… people I live with are going to search my pockets."

"Du~de…" I nod at her gingerly, accepting her coins to hide them inside my fluff bag. "What if they found the Ark of the Covenant on you, dude? What would they do then?"

"The- the what." She gives me a blank, semi-amused stare…! "Just follow me…"

...We move from the back alleys near Kirisame's drug magic store, and start meanderin' down the road.

After a short while of passing some armored dudes and pedestrians on the main-closest-to-the-path-to-Eientei, we near an alley close to the main road and start down it.

"Aw, you live in the ghetto alleys, dude." I start walking with obnoxiously long and wasteful yet sluggish strides. "Among the _gongsters_."

...Giving my form a blunt once over, Maria looks ahead quietly.

"Here." After her nearly inaudible statement, she starts to slow down before some house thing…

Two stories! This building… has two tales to it, dude. Two _generations._ On that note, however, it has fucking no windows, so lot of good all of that does it. Okay, it has a _few,_ but…

"They always lock their doors." Maria notes, stopping to prop her staff's base outside among the mud. "You can't get in without confronting them first." Unless you break shit, presumably, but that kinda ruins the point dunnit…

Dusting herself off, she steps up to the porch and knocks while I move to the side and act all sneaky…

…

Crea~k. The wooden door swings open, a~nd…!

A tall, poofily dressed dude with long, pale hair steps out. "What is it?" Guy's got blue freakin' old british navy crap on, and you'd think him an elf if his ears weren't normal.

...Looking Maria over, he nods. "Oh. _Oh,_ you. Get inside, we've been looking for you. Mother and father, that is. You've caused a mess, and now you're going to deal with it."

...Staring down, Maria complies. "Ok- okay…"

...After she steps inside, the poofy dude goes in and closes the door behind himself. I'll give it a few minutes, and then go up…

…

I hear footsteps in the wet dirt path behind me. Freakin'-

"Brad-kun!" Oh! Where the fuck'd _you_ go after we got inside? When we went into the alleys you just kinda got lost or some shit…!

Turning to Ha-chan, I hold a finger to my lips…! "Shh~, yo. We're huntin' _wabbits…!_ "

"Ooo~!" She keeps her exclamations to an excited minimum! "...What's a wabbit?"

"Over here…" I start stepping around the house, to the like one of three windows they have among the entire freakin' place. It's up awkwardly high, between the first and second floor for some demented reason, so I can't just easily peer in, but…

I jump! I see some figures inside-

Splap. I land in the mud again. Fuckin'... no man's lawn land.

...Turnin' to Ha-chan, I gesture to the window and grin. "Look, yo. In about _ten minutes_ , I want you to fly through this window. We'll be able ta catch them wabbits then…!"

Ha-chan salutes! "Yeah! I'll catch all the wabbits!"

Alright, son, let's get this show on the road…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Knock knock.

Standing outside the door of their relatively featureless but imposing home, I stand in my muddy ass monk robes, hands in my pockets like a _criminal_.

…

"Tax collector." The man in the fucking _admiral outfit_ from before swings the door open. "I have my-..."

"Huhe~y, son." I give him a friendly wave. "I'm _doctor superteeth_ , son…!"

…

"Vile monk." He scoffs at my dress. "What do you want? If you do not see, I'm an intern among the village council."

That's cool. "...I wasn't kiddin' when I said I was a docta'. Got word one of you here was sick and stuff."

"Who, then?" He leans against the doorframe, looking tired. "My family and I are busy."

"The short girl, got a fever." I rub my head! "Guard did told me so, yeah?"

"She will be fine." The man misses no beats…! "Good day-"

I stick my foot in the door. "No~w you wait just a moment, sir!"

Swinging the door open again, he pulls out a dagger! "If you aim to disrupt this household your _blood_ will be the only thing that's disrupted. Reconsider your actions, youkai, for I am a spellsword."

We got a badass over here…! "No~w, I wasn't plannin' on any of that. Son, I'm a _docta'_. You got too much fuzzy earwax in those elf drums 'a yers or what?"

...I think I've offended him. He looks… a little less than happy! Not that he was very happy before…!

After a delayed moment, he lowers his dagger. "Who do you work for? I'll see you fired."

Check the monk robes, my boy. "Oh, I believe they call her…" I raise my hands! "Byakuren Hijiri."

…

" _Such is why_ the monk presence must be excluded from the village. We haven't the tools, at this very moment…" Looking focused, he stares into the air beside me. "...Well. Thank you for your concern, but the child is fine."

"Boy, no she ain't!" Stop trying to crush my foot son…! "I saw her! I _do_ got a license to mandate check-ups, dude. It's in that u~h- that one section on medicinal practices. They put it in when the bunny people rolled around." Total bullshit!

...Giving me a skeptical look, the man frowns and nods. "What is the reprimand for turning the doctor away?"

Fifty days in the pokey. "A _stern fine_. If ya heard about that guard who lives on the street now," which is probably a lot of them, "that was me when he prevented _my_ check-up. Mothafucka didn't _know_."

" _Dirty…_ " Expression flaring, the man almost looks like he's about to tackle me, before stopping himself. "At least you're _literate_ , then. Stay no longer than necessary." Check, a~nd mate! Dude's pissed, but that's alright!

I step inside. These dudes actually got _furniture._ That's different from all the other villagers I've seen so far!

Desks with parchment and pens, chairs, random potted plants…

"Don't even think about it." Elf-ass dude warns me about _something_.

"You imply I _think_ , son." Now, where've they got Maria…?"

He snorts. Oo~h, liked that one, didja?

After moving through the front, dusty-ass room, I get into the dusty-ass dining room. What's with these dull green carpets?

In the dining room, I see Maria standing to the left. She's before a wide but tubby staircase which goes up to a higher landing, where that awkward ass window is placed. To the right's the actual dining table, where they've got living fossils on display.

"Sanjiro~, who is _this_ you've invited into our _home!?_ " For fossils, they sure know how to rattle…!

"It is mandated by _law!_ " Sanjiro contests! "Do you wish to be fined!?"

" _Law!?_ " This guy's gonna holler his lungs out, dude…! "What _law!?_ "

I glance over at Maria. She looks like she didn't anticipate this for some reason…!

"One of the recent ones." Sanjiro lowers his tone, but still speaks solidly. "Founded after that _youkai clinic_ was founded in the village, by the meddling of the teacher."

"I~'ve never heard of any _law_ like that!" I will name this man 'the man who yells', or 'yelling man' for short.

...Sanjiro looks down. What, you're gonna pussy out _now!?_

Standing up, the burly but aged looking- holy crap that's a poofy coat- _the big guy_ gets up and starts rounding the ornate table… "Back when _I served_ , there was no such thing-"

"Son, back up…!" I reach for my bag as the big dude approaches…! "I'll have ya fined, son! Issa new law! New law!"

...Slowing down, the man glowers at me. "Na~me the _section!_ "

I pat myself. "I'm a fuckin' dirty youkai, dude. You expect me to name the _sections?_ Do you know your enemy, man?"

"Of _cou~rse_ I do! I've dedicated my _life!_ " He slams his arm on the nearby table! "Then, how are _you_ to say- that you know law!? Have you ever read a _book_ in your short life!?"

"I serve unda' the holy scripture a fuckin' Byakuren Hijrii, _son!_ " Throwing names around like holy water! "'Course I know how ta read shit! I read _buddhanese_ , dude."

Red in the face, the guy glares at the table, then at Sanjiro, then at Maria, then at me. Who's to blame, yo, who's to blame?

"She taught me law, too." I add like a cheeky bastard. "Taught me law real good. S'why I'm a _licensed docta'_ , son. It'sa big conspiracy!"

"Burn in hell." Pfft. Yeah, you're cool…! "...Well, if you're a doctor, you must have a _patient_." He glares at Maria before she's even brought into the equation.

"He's here for _Maria_." Sanjiro only chooses now to speak again. Bo~y…

"...I _knew it_." The old man who yells shakes his head, looking down. "No good Yamadas can't even turn out a _daughter_ right."

Oo~h, shit. I glance back at Maria, only to see her starin' at the floor herself.

"Well, doctor, what's wrong, then?" Pulling out a chair, the guy slowly hobbles around to sit in it. "Aa~h. She broken? She pregnant?"

Son. "...S'a _fever._ Probably 'cause-"

"Did you check if she was pregnant?" Son, what is it with you…!?

" _Sure._ " I throw my arms into the air! "Grabbed her by the pussy, looked real fuckin' deep, not pregnant."

"If you say so." He frowns. "Fevers are a sign, you know."

Fevers are a sign of _a lot of things, son_. Also holy shit, did- did what I say just go over his head…!? Freakin', du~de…

...After a moment of me just staring at him like he had two heads, he spoke again. "Go on, then. Check her up. We're busy folk, you know. Not that you _would_ know…"

Yeah, yo. Turnin' to Maria, I gesture to the door. "C'mon, yo-"

"Perform it in _here!_ " Do ya have ta yell, old man!?

...Maria makes for one of the chairs-

"Not the good chairs." He speaks up! "Sanjiro, fetch the stools from the back."

"Yes, father." Sanjiro begins marching off like a freakin' robot.

I just noticed the 'mom' again. She's sitting at the end of the table, next to the father's previous position, still as a bloody statue.

...Stepping over to one of the 'good chairs', I raise my leg and put my dirty ass shoe on it.

"You will pay for that." Pfft…! Now I done did it, son!

...Despite how dramatic that line sounds, he probably legitimately meant money stuffs.

A moment later, Sanjiro comes back with the stool, and plops it down-

 _Clack!_ -loudly next to Maria, before stepping back again. "Sit down." Oh, man, that's the worst. Commanding someone to do something before they would've done it anyway, and then likely taking solace in the fact it happened even though it would've happened without your input. Everything else he did up to this point was forgettable, but this, yo…!

As Maria sits down, I give Sanjiro the _stink-eye_ , yo. "...By, the way, _Sanji~ro_."

"Our family name is _Coda_ and you shall _respect it_." Old yelling guy lays down the ground rule!

...Looking back at Sanjiro, I smile. "Sinjeero coopadoopa."

"Get _on_ with it." Sanjiro's frustrated! Not that that's not how he is normally…

...Kneeling down next to the sitting Maria, I take out Fairy Harp, and start plucking some strings…

twing.

…

twing…

…

twi-twing…

…

twing.

The mother finally speaks. "I do not recognize that medicinal practice." ...Beep boop, I-am-a-robot!

I look up at her like she's fookin' stoopid. "I'm checking the _acoustics_. Ah, you wouldn't know, yo. Issa- issa _new thing_."

The two men are just looking progressively angry at life. Aw…

…

Bringing up the tip of Fairy Harp, I lightly tap Maria's knee, causing it to jerk. "Honh, honh." ...I tap it again! "Honh." ...And again! "Honh, honh…!"

"What _is this._ " The old guy's catchin' on…!

I turn to him. "Son- for all we know, yelling could bring out the _worst, dude_. I would recommend aa~h, not yelling for two to three-"

" _Wha~t!_ " He yells more just to yell, rather than as a question. " _What was tha~t!?_ "

...I just give 'em one 'a _those_ looks. Freakin'...!

...Hmm. Idly, I keep tapping Maria's knee with my hanger. Freakin'... where should I take it from-

 _Cra~ck!_ The awkwardly placed back window shatters! Oh, shit, I forgot about that…!

"I~ will hunt the wabbits!" Ha-chan flies into the room like a magical fairy person!

"What the _he~ll!?_ " Old guy gets up and bowls his chair over in doing so! " _Assassin!_ " It's a fuckin' fairy, dude…

Sanjiro draws his dagger and pretty much just backs into the other room. Yup, see ya…!

"I'll- I'll get the gun…!" The mother gets up and hobbles off into another room.

 _Clack!_ Ha-chan lands on the table! "...Where're the wabbits?"

"Fucking _di~e!_ " Yelling loud enough to make Ha-chan flinch, the old guy runs at the table, and freakin' _leaps_.

Ha-chan floats back-

 _Bam!_ He flops onto the table, knocking over fancy shit that was placed on it, before sliding off and stumbling back. " _Gods…!_ "

Sanjiro comes back into the room with a sword that's way too big for him! "Her blood is _mine!_ " ...A~nd just stands there, looking _intimidated_. It- it's a fairy…

The mother slips back into the room-

 _POW_

...Don't know where that went, but no one got hit! Nice _musket_. Wow, it's like, decorated in silver and shit too.

"No…" Feverishly, she falls back into the corner of the room, moving to reload the musket.

"What do you _wa~nt!?_ " Big guy in charge yells at Ha-chan!

"Wa- wabbits!?" Ha-chan doesn't know why there's yelling!

" _What_ do you wa~nt!?" You asked that already…!

"Hunt wabbits!" Ha-chan looks half-intimidated, and half-confused!

"Tell me what you _wa~nt!_ " Dude, you're gonna knock _yourself_ out at this rate…

"Stop _yelli~ng!_ " Ha-chan contests him for top-yeller!

Standing up, I swallow my saliva, and try to project my voice from my stomach to actually yell at all…! "A~nd in came, a _fi~re sumo~!_ " I'm just adding to the noise to add to it…!

Sanjiro bolts forward-

 _Bam!_ -and hits the table with his sword. " _Go away!_ "

...Do these three grown ass people not know how to deal with a fucking fairy? Like, for real?

Old guy moves to climb onto the table! Once he's halfway on, Ha-chan floats off of it-

Cla- thud! It tips over and splays him out onto the floor. "Ngh…!"

" _Father!_ " Sanjiro calls out for him, but doesn't actually do anything. "Father, are you well!?" He just _tipped over_.

"No- _no~!_ " Yell louder! "Youkai in my _hou~se!_ "

...I look over at Maria. She doesn't even know _what_ to think. Raised eyebrows!

"Do not worry!" I think I'm gonna intervene so this actually ends, and before that old fuck has a heart attack and we're blamed for it or something… "I~... know this youkai personally!"

Turning to me, Sanjiro brings up his blade-

 _Clang!_ I block the big bulky sword with Fairy Harp. "Son- I can kick her out if you let me! I swear it!"

" _Fraud!_ " He barks at me! "You- this-..." Looking at Maria, he frowns deeper. " _Bitch!_ "

Maria just steps back a little…

"This would have never- ngh…!" This dude's as weak as I am, so we're at a draw!

...Channeling mana into Fairy Harp, I make it unleash wind!

 _Woosh!_ Fairy dust wind, son.

" _Achoo!_ " Sanjiro sneezes-

I slip past him and let the sword fall to my side.

Well, this quickly turned to shit!

" _A- achoo…!_ " Good game, Sanji-bo~y!

As he has a sneezing fit, I look over at Ha-chan, who's staring at me expectantly…!

I make frantic motions for the window! I mouth things, but they aren't coherent things!

Nodding like this were freakin' obvious, she starts floating for the window… "I'm, um… gonna go~...!"

"Get out get out _get ou~t!_ Kauh- kauf..." Good job. You've yelled your esophagus out.

Placing her hands over her mouth, Ha-chan floats back out the window with a silly grin on her face.

…

Cla-clack. The mother just throws the half-reloaded musket on the ground, giving up. "Useless…"

Sanjiro's eyes are still watery. "Gah…"

...The old guy starts to get up, having notable difficulty with going from crouched to standing. "Hrr~gh…"

"Hello, friends…" I greet the nugget company as they begin to stand.

...Eyes wide, the old guy addresses me! "Who in the hell _are you?_ "

"Doctor _dynamite superteeth, son_." I clack my teeth together multiple times for effect. "My patient has something she wants to tell you." I put Maria on the spot!

…

"I- I do!?" Maria looks over at me!

"Yeah, yo." I nod warmly. "Tell the family, dude."

"What is this…!?" The old guy glares her down!

Sanjiro brings his sword up again, stumbling back a little as he lifts it up over his shoulder. Son…

The mother just rounds the table and stares at Maria like an angry turkey.

"...Uh- uhm…" Maria looks around for an escape, but there's no escape, son. It's pedal to the mettle time!

…

" _Out with it!_ " I'm winded just from him yelling…!

Maria blinks at him rapidly!

…

…

...

I turn to her. "Y'know, this cutscene ain't gonna advance unless ya pick an option." Don't take too long, now! I'd rather not be here when they have to take showers mid-dialogue because you sat the 3DS down and fell asleep…!

"What…?" She looks over at me, before looking at them. "I- I… I still practice magic-"

"I'll kill him!" Shaking his head, the old guy goes for the door. "Marcus _Kirisame_ , that damned witch creator! He's poisoned you, hasn't he!?"

"He's nicer than you!" Maria bites back!

"Nice!?" He jerks his head back! "That's what you think! Then he makes you into a witch, then there ain't _no_ going back!" He dropped some of his fancy dialect, son. That's how you know he's serious!

"What's bad about being a witch, even!?" Maria knows how to yell, too! "You- Youkai don't… seem as evil as everyone says!"

...Whelp. Judging by how _staggered_ these dudes look, I think that was the straw that broke the camel's back…!

…

"I think you need to leave." Old guy addresses me. "We need a moment with her."

"No can do, son." I cross my arms and spread 'em out again! "Doctor _dynamite superteeth_ always finishes a check-up…!"

"I'll kill every last one of you, and I'd do it again. Lord knows I did it twenty summod years ago." Exhaling, the old guy stepped back… "If- if only I had my horse and my blade. That damned…"

Dude's shot.

"...I'm... going to get my things and go." Maria states. "I know the village law is that I stay, but… _screw it_. Let them… let them come for me." She knows she's got the firepower to back it up, too! Strength in numbe~rs!

"You will not leave!" The man stomps towards us! "You are not allowed to leave!"

Ploppin' Fairy Harp into Maria's arms, I reach into my bag for Hard Winter. "Ah ah ah, son. Guess what?"

...Oh, fuck, he's flaring his nostrils at me dude. Now I'm _really_ in for it.

"You didn't say the _magic_ word, dude." I smile at him warmly.

Oo~h. Watch 'em flex those eyebrows…!

"Oh, yeah, I'm not a doctor." I reveal. "Maria's a magician," I gesture to her. "We left the village to fight robots, and we became friends with a yuki-onna."

" _Haa~h!_ " Oh holy shit-

Woa~h! Buffing myself up with Hard Winter only helps so much…! For an old dude, he's got arms…!

Cla-clank! Fairy Harp's cast aside by Maria-

" _Freeze!_ " She bolts up to him as he tries to mangle Hard Winter from me-

 _Fwa~sh!_

"Gnn~h…!" Partially frozen, the dude spiralled over, almost taking me with him. Freakin'...!

"Freeze!" Frantic, Maria holds her hands out over the guy-

 _Fwa~sh!_ More ice!

" _Freeze!_ " Is she crying?

 _Fwa~sh!_ Say uh-

"Fr- freeze...!" Gritting her teeth, she fires more ice from her hands.

 _Fwa~sh!_

...Whelp, u~h, he's probably unconscious. Good for him.

"Dear gods…" The mother moved back for the fucked up musket. Hohoyea~h okay, not gonna let'cha finish up with that…

Rollin' and standin' from the freakin' now-comatose old dude, I awkwardly move towards her-

Sanjiro stands in my way. He doesn't bother to say anything, but looks ruffled up as hell…

I slam Hard Winter into the floor, channeling mana into it. What the hell kinda spell's Ice Shard?

From here, I see an icicle generate in the midst of Sanjiro's form-

 _Cli-cli-click_. A myriad of tiny icicles generate outward from it in the air-

"Gaa~gh!" Apparently it causes indescribable stomach pain, because he just collapsed onto the floor after the ice immediately thawed. Weird ice spell…

...Whelp! I start to walk over to the mother-

" _Thunder!_ " Yo Maria chill-

 _Zap- Zap- Zap- Zap!_ Buncha tiny bolts in the room!

"Anhah- anh…" The mother is struck by one, and flops over. Tha~t one could've been a fatality, but don't quote me on that.

...Whelp, we've accidentally'd a family. Not that they were a very nice family, bu~t…!

"A- aah…" Oh, Maria's still crying for some reason. "I- I hate you…" Ah? Oh, she's looking at the folks…

Her hands look kinda fucked up, shaking and coated with thick chunks of ice, probably from casting without her staff. Nothing a potion and some hot cocoa won't fix up, yo…

Out of curiosity, I walk up to the older woman and check her pulse… y'know, with that wrist technique thing-

Oh, she's still alive. I doubted Maria's zappy bolts could actually fry a boy, all things considered.

"Good news is, we ain't gettin' arrested for homicide!" I inform Maria! "I think…! Bad news is, this is probably _some kind_ of crime."

"Wh- whatever…" Maria tries to rub her eyes, only to have to do it with her elbows since her hands are fucked up. "Do- do you have a house? We- we need to leave..."

"Good guess!" I grin at her, standing up from the zapped windbag… "But no, I~ sleep wherever I lay my head, yo."

…

She shudders, going for the nearest nice looking chair. "Wh- what am I going to do…"

I step up and rub my shoes all over one of the undisturbed nice chairs. Came into their house, beat 'em up, and freakin'... rubbed our _shoes on their chairs._

"We're-... we have to leave, Brad." Maria looks up at me rather hopelessly. "We can't stay here. We screwed it all up…"

I wave off the notion. "Aa~h. Y'know, y'want my honest opinion?"

"Wh- what…? What is it?" She perks up slightly!

"Put on some of the poofy-but-not-too-poofy clothes, uu~h- wear a hat, and don't tell any guards your real name." I give her a smile! "I'm also willin' to bet you can crash down at Kirisame's pad and learn all kindsa crazy shit. It probably won't be a _lax_ lifestyle but ya gotta take what'chre dealt. I bet it'll blow over in like… a _month_ considering this village."

I mean, think about it. I've been able to fucking change my identity by wearing different outfits every other week, at least in this village. As long as your clothes don't stand out and you're not like the evilest evil person to ever evil, no one'll really care.

…

"You're… right." Maria sighs, looking down at the table. "Life used to be so simple." She holds up her frozen-to-hell hands, and just looks depressed. Looking back at the old coot, she seems prone to cry again… "What have I done?"

"Nothin' _wrong_ , that's what." ...I kinda blurted that out. "Or, at least, what you _had_ to do. Freakin'- these guys were assholes, tryin'a trap ya down here. Nothin's wrong about raisin' hell if you can afford it. And, considering how freakin' impoverished this village is, a lot of the time there's really nowhere to go but up…!"

…

"I'm… tired." Maria complains, tears running down her cheeks.

Hmm. Not like we can stay… here…

Idea.

Reachin' into my bag 'a tricks, I draw the _London sentry_ , yo. Boopity boopity, boop-boop-boopity…!

After sacrificing like a third of my mana pool to it, London comes back from parts unknown…! It floats in through the window, swinging its lance idly…

"Wh- ah…" Maria just looks at it awkwardly, then looks at me…

"Sentry, yo." I grin and nod! "Built by… not-me. Designed by… not-me. And you'd best hope… not pointed at me!"

...Maria looks like she's been displaced from depression, at the very least.

Alri~ght… "London!" I point the operating cross at the _noobs_ … "If they wake up… make them not wake up, but not permanently."

London swings its lance in acknowledgement!

Alri~ght…

Reachin' into my bag, I take out a potion… "Here's a thing for ya hands. Can you, uh…" I look down at her big dumb ice hands.

"...Help." She waves them about, accenting how unusable they are now.

Let's try that quick cast shit…

I throw the potion into the air-

It appears over Maria's head as a drop of pale green liquid-

 _Di-di~ng!_ -which splashes onto her and melds into her with a video game-ass noise.

...Crik-krack. The ice on Maria's hands began to fall off, revealing fucked up hands beneath that slowly began to shift back to normal. "Aa~h…" Shutting her eyes, Maria took the pain.

"So~...!" I rub my own hands together while waiting for her pain to cease…!

...Once it's done, she opens her wet eyes again, looking over her refurbished hands.

"We got this place to ourselves, yo." I make for one of the back rooms! "That doll'll knock the dudes out with danmaku whenever they wake up again."

... Maria blinks. "Re- really? It's… that easy?"

I snort and turn to her. "Yeah, pretty much. Thank Reimu, yo." Danmaku actually solves a lot of problems! Albeit, probably not as our lovable shrine maiden intended, bu~t I think we can make an _exception_ in this instance…

…

I should go invite Ha-chan inside!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

It is now time to go to bed, because we are soft and warm folk.

We found the parent's bedroom, where the beds were separated because those two have probably only ever had sex once, and it was to create that one disaster we call Sanjiro…

Maria takes the left bed. "...It smells like powder." She found the woman's bed!

I take the right bed- wow that… actually smells relatively okay. Some kinda peach or plum. Ah, fuck it, off with the covers. Ha-chan makes a good blanket…

Oof. Flopped onto the big mattress…

"Ya~y…" Sleepily, Ha-chan clambers onto it, before positioning herself over me-

Oof again. She just flops down onto me, pressing me into the fluffy bed. If I wasn't tired before, goodbye world…!

Being pressed down by her and finally relaxing makes me realize just how freakin' exerted my everythings are…

Hugging onto me, Ha-chan nuzzles her head next to mine, our chests pressed against one another.

...Allowing my head to slump back onto the bed top, I surrender to being tired. Aa~h…

…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

…

I'm awa~ke. Being hugged feels so goo~d…

…

Staring at the ceiling as Ha-chan still rests, I contemplate life. S'a good life, yo.

Bright _asshole_ sunlight pours into the room from the window. Man, I already miss the overcast...

I hear floor creaking. Oh, fuck, did someone get past the doll? Um… probably not-

Floor creaks again. Fuhuhu~ck… I don't wanna mo~ve.

I just kinda-... jerk myself, before stopping. I can't really move like this, so I shouldn't half-ass it and get shanked if it's-

Oh. It's a Marisa.

"...Oh, hey!" She waves at me as I drowsily blink at her. "Before ya do your morning whatevers with that fairy there, me 'n' the girls were goin' for some morning post-incident beer. 'Cause, y'know, we kinda crashed last night tryin'a get that factory situated…"

You know, morning whatevers with Ha-chan woulda been nice… even if I've been too much of a freakin' ballet-dancer to actually like, make out with her or anything. Kinda waiting for her to-

"That, and I thought I'd check up on Maria here…" Marisa gave the girl's bed a glance. "The nine hells happened in the living room down there? And, u~h… what're _you_ doin' here, ze."

"Parents sounded like assholes. I ca- came to look too, a~nd they tried to kill everything ever…" Talking beneath Ha-chan while splayed out on a bed isn't easy, son.

"...Guess ya saved me some trouble then." At that, Marisa starts walking around the room, ogling some of the paintings hung up… "This Maria's room?"

Yeah, she just has two beds 'cause she feels like it. "Nah, yo. We _commandeered_ it…"

...Grinning, Marisa nods and hovers about that painting, before walking away from it… "Oh, by the way, I didn't just tell ya we were goin' drinkin' for the hell of it."

...Well, I'm kinda _comfy here_ , y'know-

Stomping up to my bed, Marisa slides her arms beneath the mattress and begins lifting!

"Son, _son...!_ " All I can do is hug onto Ha-chan, 'cause she's squishin' me…!

A~nd-

Thu-thud. We roll off the mattress, and onto the covers I tossed off the bed the other night…

"Nnn~..." I end up atop Ha-chan. Holy shit she's soft…

...Wait, what the fuck-

 _Oof!_ Dammit, Marisa! Freakin'... tipped the mattress over onto me! Hnn~h…!

"Aah- nnh…!" Ha-chan starts flailing her limbs 'cause we're getting smooshed…!

I try to press against the ground around her, but her long cyan hair gets in my way and- yeah we're freakin' trapped. Freakin'...

...After a moment, Marisa helps by kicking the bed off of us, sending it-

 _Thud_. -onto its bottom again.

"...Don't have sex _now_." She jeers at us…! "That'd just be weird."

Says you…! Freakin'...

Now free, I'm able to rise-

"Wo~ah…" Ha-chan tries to get up too, so we freakin' collide a bit as we separate from one another.

Stepping out of the bed frame, Marisa puts her arms on her hips. "So… any story behind that fight in the livin' room?"

Looked more like a dining room t'me… "Maria evicted the _assholersons_ , dude." Yeah, yo.

Marisa snorted. "Really, now? I don't think them guard assholes'll like that one bit."

Grinning, I give an exaggerated shrug. "S'not like this place was a _safehouse_ fer her anyway. I told her she can lay low down at Kirisa- ah, yer _dad's_."

Tilting her head at that, Marisa went to sit on Maria's bed… "How about she just take these dudes' cash and situate that bar 'a hers she had ta foreclose? Bet these stuffy guys're loaded, and if they ain't you can just sell these paintin's…" Marisa's gaze travels to this painting of the plains or something again…

And, you know? That's probably a better idea than mine…

"So when'd she grow that spine 'a hers?" Marisa focused on me…! "Didja egg her on, or was this actually her idea?"

Ah. As I stretch a bit and stumble about in the morning time, I answer her… "A bit 'a both, really. Y'see, there was this yamanba up on the mountain…"

"Oo~h, no shit?" Marisa perks up at that! "Aw, I love those guys. Hard as nails ta find, and even harder ta not get into a squabble with, but they're pretty cool. Real smart, too. You know they're like, old as hell too? Almost tengu old, I think."

Oo~h? Huh. Was Nemuno actually like, nearly a thousand years old, then? Hoh…! It's kinda hard to wrap my head around people that old having that much character. Then again, I haven't spent much 'a my life outside 'a freakin' _institutional education_. I guess if one grand was like your sixties and you just lived on your own, you'd have a hell of a lot of time to figure things out…!

Then you got people like Aya, who I _think_ is pretty old. Tengu are old, right? Freakin'...

"Nn- nnh…" Maria begins to stir…!

Marisa bolts off the bed, before hiding next to the head of it, looking smug…

...Ha-chan scoots up next to me, looking smug herself. Hi, friend.

...Slowly, Maria begins to fling her limbs out of bed as she tosses off the covers, still fully clothed from the previous evening-

"Whaddaya doin'!?" Marisa leaps out from around the head of the bed!

"Aa- aah!?" Maria tips over onto the bed again!

She got bamboozled, son.

...After a moment of finding herself, Maria took one of the pillows on her bed and tossed it at Marisa.

 _Poof._ Marisa stumbles back in a snuggly manner, removing the pillow from herself after a moment. "Hehehe~!"

"Wh- where'd you even come from…?" Uneasily raising onto her legs, Maria started waking up… "You- you shouldn't know about this place…"

Marisa tossed the pillow aside. "Yeah, I shouldn't, but I _do!_ "

Freakin'... oh, that strangely reminds me of something…

Taking out Maria's cash, I lob it back to her via tossing it at the bed next to her. "Here's yer _stuff_ , yo."

"Whah…?" ...After a moment, her mind catches up with her. "Oh. Thanks…"

...Marisa looks like she missed something, but doesn't particularly care!

" _Chu._ " Ha-chan pecks me on the cheek, for some reason. Wait…

I turn to her. "Hello, yo…!"

"Hehehe!" Freakin'... snuggle fairy. How do reciprocate feelings do.

Propping her arms behind her head, Marisa begins walkin' to the dining room. "C'mon. Everyone's waitin'."

...Wait, 'everyone'?

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

In the dining room, I see London still floating in the air, 'cept she's covered in talisman seals, the danmaku she's firing at the girls fizzling out after barely escaping her.

Reimu was eating an apple, for some reason. "...Oh, you're up."

"Hi, world…" I gingerly walk out. Geez, gang's all here, huh…?

Sakuya and Youmu are just kinda bluntly staring at the unconscious people, whose positions were changed from the last time I saw them. Wahaha!

"You know…" Reimu's lookin' over 'em, too. "You're not really supposed to use danmaku to keep people unconscious."

Whah… I half-shrug at 'er. "Yer not really supposed to use chairs to keep people unconscious, either. That don't stop people…!"

"I think… you missed the point." Youmu dryly adds her two cents, still staring at the three noobs.

Marisa steps out next! "Ah, s'okay. The guys were assholes."

"Well-..." Reimu looks conflicted! "How are you sure?"

"'Cause Maria said so." Marisa starts moving to head out, before stopping. "Wait, gotta go find the family vault."

"No, don't." Reimu's not about to let that happen…! "We didn't come here to rob her family blind."

"They're not my family." Maria emerges from the room next! "...Woah. It- it's you guys…"

...As Reimu and Maria stare at one another, Marisa starts to march off into the back rooms!

"...Still." Reimu looks back over at the unconscious people-

" _What…!_ " Whe~n the fuck'd the big guy wake up!? "What the _hell_ are you all doing in _my~ house!?_ " He's slowly getting onto his legs…!

Reimu blinks at him. "...Calm down-"

" _Hakurei!_ " Recognizing Reimu, he barks at her. " _Deceiver!_ " Pointy finger!

" _Sir._ " Sakuya speaks up dryly. "If you would-"

"No I won't you-..." Stopping himself from snapping at her, he looks back over Reimu, before reeling his fist back into the air as soon as he fully stands. "I'm not letting you take me!"

...Woosh. He throws a really slow punch, which Reimu just steps out of the way of.

"Calm _down_." Reimu gives her second warning! "If you'd just listen-"

"What- _no!_ " He sights Maria, before pointing at her. "That's _mine!_ "

Maria just furrows her brows at him…

...Reimu's brows rise, looking for what he was pointing at. "That's a doorway."

" _She's_ mine!" He clarifies, pointing at Maria a bunch! "Don't take my property! That's against the _law...!_ " His voice is already strained sounding, losing volume quickly as he yells too much for his own good… "Yo- you're the Hakurei maid, are you not!? I'll have you ja-jailed, for treason…!"

...Reimu doesn't look like she knows what ta think!

...The guy starts to move for the door, marching towards Sakuya and Youmu. "...Out- out of my way, _rats_." He began to walk forward-

Fwo-fwo-fwo-fwo-fwoof. The soft noise of low-grade talisman danmaku was emitted as Reimu held her arm towards the guy and fired a two-lane stream of dinky-looking ofuda projectiles into him.

 _Thud_. Like a second of sustained focus just brought him down before the other two girls…

"I'll make an exception." Reimu began to move towards the door, stepping past the old guy.

"Yeah, ain't he just charmin'...?" Grinning, I move after her! "Dude, I told him. Doctor _superteeth_ always finishes a check-up."

Reimu snorts, moving through the front room and to the front door. "...Someone find Marisa before she robs them blind."

"Too late." Marisa enters the dining room with a small sack! "They consolidated it all into big shit." Lookin' over at Maria, she tosses the tiny bag at her. "Gonna have to go to the bank and break some 'a it if you wanna use it. People get freaked out about some of those gems…"

"Gems…?" Maria looks down at the bag in wonder!

Shaking her head, Reimu leaves the house completely.

...Youmu slowly follows behind her, similarly offput.

"Hey, chief!" Ha-chan approaches Sakuya! "I didn't know you did field recon, too!"

"...We don't have field recon." Sakuya bluntly shuts her down. "You're simply shirking your duties to stalk that outsider. _Again._ "

"Aah, whah, duties…?" Looking around, Ha-chan scratches her side. "What's a duty?" I don't think that's convincing…!

...Closing her eyes, Sakuya just vanishes. Wahoho!

"Hey, wait up…!" Marisa begins sprinting outta the house!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Outside, we hit the streets, yo…

Marisa and Reimu are leadin' the way, scanning the nearby buildings for interesting places…

"Oh…" Maria's makin' small talk with Youmu. "How do you make that, actually?"

Youmu smiles at her. "Well, it's actually not as time consuming as they usually say…"

Hoh. Anyway, tuning them out because I don't care about making food…!

Ha-chan is talking with big chiefy, dude! "What element are you, Chief? I've always wanted to know…!"

...Sakuya shoots her a dry glance. "Physical elemental."

Ha-chan's eyes widen…! "Oo~h! That's like, really rare! I think…!" Yeah, yo.

"Yo, Chieftain." Good 'ol Sakuya, yo! "What's the use of a chicken nugget if you can't nugget, dude?"

"I don't know." I gotta think 'a somethin' clever to catch her off guard…

…

Reimu groans. "Can we just visit our frequent?"

"They'll drive the prices up, I know it, ze!" Marisa contests as we continue walking! "No~ we ain't!"

...Slipping behind Sakuya, I reach into my bag and take out my spaceman helmet! Yeah, dude!

After putting it on, I step back up to her side and nod at her…

...She looks over at me, almost glazing over my new headwear before taking a longer glance. "I see you've found a fish bowl to occupy yourself with."

"Yeah, dude." Man, didn't catch her off guard enough…!

We start to near the main street, where a myriad of villagers are staying away from the central bit of it.

"What's going on, ze…" Marisa furrows her brows as we approach the people.

"Probably a show, or something." Reimu steps up to the ring of people, brushing past them and making a path for the rest of us to file through…

In the center, there's a few guards with pikes standing in a wide, cautious circle around this one youkai-lookin' guy...

It might sound hypocritical for me to say 'youkai-looking', but… this guy sure as hell ain't human!

In the morning sunlight, I could see that he had a, like… eagle nose, straight but kinda short blonde hair, brown fur all over his body, and his legs were _on backwards_. He's also got a snake arm, apparently…! Also, like… sneakers. Freakin'... what is this!?

...Looking back and forth between the guards, the guy eventually sees us, and starts casually plodding towards us with his freakin' _backwards legs with sneakers_. I forgot to mention, but he's only got a loincloth on, too.

"Alright…" Reimu scratches her face, looking offput by this guy…! " _What_ are you doing here?"

"I was simply searching the crossroads of life, finding out what it truly means to ramble on this fair planet." He looks up at the sun, making me realize his left eye was cyan and his other brown. Freakin'...!

"Well, do your rambling somewhere else." Reimu asks of him. "You're scaring people."

"The only thing that scares people…" He backs up, examining the crowd…

"Is you." Reimu interjects.

"Yes." Shaking his head, he agrees. "The only way for them is to be me, then. I always knew this day would come."

"That has nothing to do with it…" Reimu's not sure where this is going. I don't think anyone is…! "Just… go away."

"One cannot simply ask away the questions," he gestures to the people, "because if you have no more questions to ask, then no more will you axe."

"That doesn't…" Reimu starts to bring up her gohei! "Do I have to hurt you?"

"Yo, yo…" I part from the girl horde to step up next to Reimu! "I got this, yo. I speak _buddhanese._ "

...Reimu gives me a skeptical look, but doesn't do anything, which means I have the floor!

I wave at the eagle guy youkai thing. "Hello, _son_."

"Hello, father." He nods at me. "What cosmic road has let our lines intertwine?"

Marisa exhales. "Oh, geez. Time for the meeting of the _minds_."

Yeah, yo. "It was the milky way of the _schloss cosmos,_ dude. I took the interstate forty-nine…!"

"I try to stay away from that one." He jerks his head back, as if remembering something repulsive. "The last time I was on it, my lines got all jiggly-wiggly. Do your lines get all jiggly-wiggly sometimes?"

"Only on Sundays, dude." I nod at him as if agreeing.

He narrows his eyes. "Sunday ramblers…"

Shaking his head, he looks me over. "In any event, to meet another destined to the lonely road of the soul means my journey here, was worth every mile. How can I get out of here?" That's kinda a contrast…!

"You don't, dude." My arms flop to my sides. "They killed the way out, dude. Dismantled it!"

He jerks his body back, taking a backward step back! "That is unfortunate. However, there is always a will, and when there is a will, there is a way. Will works when ways wear."

"Dude…" Takin' a step back, I shake my head at him. "I tri~ed, dude, I tried. They killed me, son! They made me make a livin' off a _spinning plate!_ "

"I understand your sentiments…" Stepping up to me, the guy puts a hand on my shoulder. "But, we must always ramble on. There is no road too long, and no heart free from the questions that permeate. Questions are the shackle, and only we are the keys."

Reaching behind himself _somewhere_ , he takes out what looks like an eagle feather with his freakin' snake hand. "Take this sacred eagle feather. Maybe it will help you spin plates just as good as the rest of them. I don't know, I don't spin plates. But, if plates were philosophical insights, I could spin plates better than you."

Oh. Aw, good. Reluctantly putting my hand near his, uh, _snake hand_ , I take the feather… "What's it do?"

"The real question is…" He waves his hand across the sky. "What _you_ can do. For true strength lies outside, but only inside can we ask questions. That is, the answer to your question."

Left me with more questions than answers…! I'll need a freakin' appraisal!

"And, now, I must ramble on." With that, the eagle guy youkai thing maybe starts to walk off. "The cosmic interstate waits for no man, and to wait only casts the shadow of doubt. Have fun spinning plates, but that's not really what I want to do with my life." Son…! "But I'm sure you will be very successful."

With that, he began walking away, villagers and guards parting to give the guy room as he did his weird ass backwards walk out.

…

"What the hell just happened?" Marisa asked the fun question.

…

...Wow, I like this just, complete silence that set in after that conversation. What do you even say about something like that…!?

Shaking her head, Reimu looked back at her friend. "I need a drink." I guess that's what you say!

...Rolling her head around, the miko continues. " _Bar._ "

"Y'impatient…" Looking around, Marisa scans really quickly for a bar… "There!" She points at the Golden Grin!

Reimu shakes her head. "Too much Yukari. I'd like Yukari and drinks to be totally separate activities, thank you."

"Agreed." Youmu seconds that notion…!

Folding her arms, Marisa spins around. "What the he~ll…"

...Maria's bein' quiet, yo. That reminds me…!

"We should stop by Maria's _bar_ , yo…!" I open my big mouth!

She freezes up!

...The girls all turn to me!

"It existed, at one point!" I raise my finger…

"It- it's closed." Maria counters. "I- I had to foreclose it…!"

...Marisa grins. "Aw, we can check the place out anyway. Maybe someone opened up a little mom 'n' pop bar there."

Reimu starts marching, before circling back to us when she didn't know where to go. "Take us there." She pressures Maria…!

"Ok- okay…" Complying, the mage began to walk down the road with Golden Grin on it. "Don't, um, get your hopes up, okay…?"

Yo ho ho~! With that, we begin following her down the road.

…

Sakuya looks over at me. "You seem insistent on heckling that shy girl."

Smilin' back at her, I give my eyebrows a brief but unassumin' raise. "Aah. I think she could use a few nudges 'n' elbows sometimes, yo. I also kinda wanna see that place again…" Curiosity~!

...Youmu's real quiet, too. I should heckle her some…

Parting from Sakuya, I walk up to Youmu…

She turns to me preemptively, looking ready for the onslaught. Aw, yo.

"Is Myon soft, and warm to the touch?" I ask her the fun question.

...She blinks at me. "How do you know about Myon…?"

Aah shit, lore problems. "Aa~h- issa, heard it from, uh, Georgio Armani." Perfect. Youmu's good friend Georgio Armani told me.

Dryly, she blinked at me. "I know _who_ that is, and you didn't hear it from them. I don't know him." Oh, shit.

...I grin at her…? "George Washington?"

"What? No, I don't know him either…!" Oh- what, you expect me ta believe that, yo!? He's George Washington, the dead guy!

"...Alexander the _dead_." I blurt out there.

Youmu snorts. "No~. Look, just-"

"Youki." Oh, man, this is gonna bite me in the ass, innit?

...Youmu stares at me in disbelief. "Where did- how? _Who_ told you?"

Maybe I can fake her out with some eagle youkai bullshit…! "The, aa~h, cosmic strings 'a life or some shit, yo."

"That's not an answer…" Looking back down the road, she shakes her head. "You probably read it, or something. Chronicle of Gensokyo, right?"

...Yeah, sure, let's go with-

"You imply he can read." Sakuya, please.

Youmu raises a brow. "...Sakuya~. I know he's weird, but you don't have to-"

"I've known him for a month now." Sakuya, please…! "He cannot read Japanese."

...Giving me a glance as we continue down the road, Youmu just looks ahead again and shakes her head once more. "I'm not even gonna bother…"

Hoh. Good thing Youmu just accepts bullshit as it comes! I think I can thank Yukari and Yuyuko for that…

Man, I wanna meet Yuyuko now. She'd be _fun_.

...Oh, we there? We there, yo.

We stop outside the two-floored bar Maria used to work at.

There's a sign over the door, just below this tiny window. It's written in weird black ink, but I can make out a heart on the right. Symbols are universal!

"Small Packages…" Marisa reads off the sign rather curiously. "Tha fuck?"

"...Sounds weird." Indifferent, Reimu steps up to the bouncers…

Honestly, this sounds like a strip joint. Especially with that _heart_. Probably shady as fuck, but with a party of like _seven people_ I'm sure we'll be just fine. Aw, I wonder if they cater birthday parties…

"Hey, we want in." Reimu speaks to a guard as I walk up ta her…

"Go on in." These guys look _shot_.

"Pfft…" Shaking her head, Marisa steps up to the guard, too. "S'up, buddy? You get ya dick sucked or something?" Freakin'... what kinda question's-

"Go on in." The guy doesn't even react. Iron will!

"Hey, what's up?" Holdin' out her arms, Marisa gets confrontational with the asleep-looking guard. "What's with the 'tude, ze? You tryin'a piss us off?"

"Go on in." Wow. Not even a shift in posture. Guy's on a different plane of existence…!

...Marisa lets her arms flop. "Wow. Reimu, this dude's possessed…!"

Steppin' past the completely immobile bouncers, I proceed inside the bar first, so I can get a good look at the place without bein' behind six-seven other heads…

Not too many people here, at the moment. There's some haggard dudes to the left, sittin' at a candlelit table 'n' drinkin' some _beers._

Yo, woah! Matt's mannin' the counter, dude! "Aw, yo!"

Seeing me, Matt looks over at his- holy shit she's underclad- fellow bartender. "Hold the fort." A~nd out the back door. Bye, Matt!

...The girls all file in behind me, quickly filling the room with fluffy faces.

"...Be calm, you." Sakuya jeers at me for existing. "I'm sure you're a sake hound."

"You'd be surprised, yo." Shakin' my head, I start to progress towards the counter…

This is the loli vampire from Monster Girl Quest, down to the outfit, which is _literally_ just a pair of panties with bats on it, and a black cloak. So it _is_ a strip joint…!

"Well!" I'm not gonna comment on that…!

Oh, hey, that 'fairy maid' from the mansion is here, although his uniform is ruffled into oblivion and his face has a ton of blurry makeup smeared about it. Da~h...

...Me, Marisa, Reimu 'n' Youmu take seats at the four bar stools before the counter-

Sakuya appears next to us with a stool she got from one of the tables.

...Maria slowly steps up to the counter herself. "Um…"

"Uah- ah, hello~...!" The loli vampire greets us extraordinarily awkwardly. "Um… I- I'll take your order?" Do you say that at a bar? I dunno…!

"Why aren't you wearing clothes?" Reimu instantly gets to it!

"...No- no reason." After glancing away, the vampire focuses on us again 'cause she has no choice.

...Eyes narrowing, Reimu makes a request. "Mug of sake, please."

Marisa slams some bills on the counter. "Sake~!"

"We could probably just buy a bottle and pour it for ourselves." Sakuya comes in with the _good ideas_.

...Noddin' at that, Marisa looks over at the tender girl. "Keep, how much fer a bottle?"

"A- a thousand yen per." She states the price!

Sakuya lays her eyes on the 'fairy maid', letting her gaze hang on him for some moments.

"Don't got the money." Reimu slouches onto the counter, before looking at all of us. "Help."

Marisa pushes her bills forward. "Should contribute ta half a bottle. Sakuya~...?"

Sakuya lays the final five hundred yen on the table. "Very well." I wonder how much spending money she got left wit' for today.

...Accepting the bills without counting them, the vampire goes to grab a bottle from the shelf behind her. "He- here you go…"

Clack. She sets the bottle down on the counter-

-and instantly we all have shot glasses laid out before us, filled neatly with the beverage.

Sakuya lifts hers first, likely having been the one to fill them…

"Tha~nks…" Marisa lifts hers, and downs it in one gulp.

As the girls begin drinking, I push mine back. "Sorry, yo. I don't-"

Ha-chan pushes past me and takes the shot glass, before tilting her head back and downing it. "Mnn~!" Freakin'...!

...Quietly, Maria lifts hers, taking an unsure sip.

 _Clack_. Loudly setting her glass down, Marisa looks across the counter. "Al~right, where's the bottle so I can chug it…?"

"This _is_ pretty generic stuff…" Reimu tilted her head back and forth, setting her own glass down. "I thought for a thousand, it was gonna be at least a _little_ good."

"Considering that the sign almost looked like it was painted in blood, I don't think we should be expecting much." Sakuya criticizes the place. "...I have the bottle, too. Here." She hands it over to Reimu, sliding it past Youmu to do so…

Tilting her head back, Reimu goes to chug it-

Marisa grabs it midway. "Hey, hey…! I'm the one who actually bought it…!"

Ha-chan moves to try and grab it. "I want summore…!"

Sakuya sets like a _stack_ of bills on the counter. "Four thousand yen. Four bottles."

"Wha- right away!" Feverishly, the vampire moves to grab the bottles one by one to bring them over to the table…

...Well, this is a pretty cozy little place Matt has here. I think Matt'd get his ass kicked if anyone here actually knew he ran it. That's probably why he booked it when he saw me…!

 _Clack_. As the little vampire girl sets the last bottle on the counter, Sakuya immediately gets on her case. "That maid." She points to the 'fairy maid' behind the counter, whose arms are currently crossed. "Where did you hire her?"

...Eyes slowly widening, the loli's arms come up defensively. "Ah- aah… We- she needed help, and- well, there- mmm…"

"...She belongs to _us_ , you know." Sakuya claims ownership of the 'fairy maid'...!

"Um…" The loli looks seriously stressed…! "I- I'm… not who you talk to, ab- about that."

 _Clack_. Reimu sets her bottle down, and sighs. "This place is fishy~. Sakuya, dunno what you're doing, but keep doing it…"

Marisa parts her own bottle from her lips. "S'probably a sex trade 'er somethin'."

Youmu lowers her bottle, only having taken a few gulps from it… "The village's this blatant about it now, huh…"

"I gotta clean this place out sometime…" Reimu leans on the counter. "Next week…"

Youmu blinks. "What? This place?"

"The village…" Reimu begins to lift her bottle again… "This place sucks now. It's gotten really annoying how the council just… ugh."

"...I hear you." Youmu nods at this.

…

Sakuya stands. "Where's your manager?"

"Out- uhm… outside maybe?" Loli under pressure, dude…!

…

"He~y boys!" Who the frik is that…

The, like, seven of us turn around to look at her…

It's some busty girl with a sweater and seemingly no pants on. She's got brown eyes and long _purple_ hair. "Oh-... oh." She scans the bunch of us…! "...I- I left my, wallet on, yeah. You're cute, bye!" Turning around sloppily, the woman began to jog out the door-

 _Fwap- fwap!_ Two ofuda hit her in the back on her way out.

" _Eep!_ " She like, flies out of the bar…!

"Stupid…" Tilting her head back, Reimu begins to chug from her bottle. "Mmh…"

...I look back at Sakuya, a~nd she's not even there. Woah no. "Sakuya _vaporized_ , dude…" Shaking my head, I slouch over…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: SAKUYA'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Time is stopped.

As I step around the counter, most of the girls and Brad stare at the oncoming succubus in the monochrome background.

Slipping past the immature vampire, I push the back door open and close it behind myself smoothly. Mostly so that I haven't need to remember it later…

Back here, a certain notorious infiltrator is leaned against the wall, facing the door as if waiting, vaguely poised to bolt at a moment's notice. In his right arm, concealed, was the pair of scissors I'd seen Koakuma flip around idly on occasion.

Stepping before him, I placed my arms at my sides unassumingly, and-

Time resumes, the world's color snapping back into place.

...Matt still faces the door.

"I'd like a word with you." I aim to surprise him.

He twitches, before turning to me. "...Oh. Hello there."

"You seem to be in possession of some property of ours." He's in possession of one of Mistress' latest amusements, by some curiosity.

...He looks down at his right arm, before holding up those scissors. "What, these? Koakuma gave them to me, right?"

Surprising line to draw, though it only serves to waste our time. "No. The second latest non-fairy employee to serve at the manor is currently being held in service here without our consent."

...After a moment, he sighs loudly. I may have struck a nerve.

…

"Hua~h." After another moment, he sighs _audaciously_. Speaking of wasting time…

"...How much _._ " Hmm? He expects a ransom, it seems.

...I'm honestly not sure if I should humor him or simply take what belongs to us. He likely wouldn't-

Reaching into his pocket, he takes out some yen bills and tosses them at me. "Here."

...They flutter to the floor before me. The world snaps to grey, stopping.

I bend my knees to scoop them up, standing back up within the second and counting them as time is halted. He seems to have tossed about one hundred thousand yen at me.

Time resumes.

"Please stay here. I'll have to confirm this order with Mistress." I inform him of how this transaction will proceed.

His head tilts slightly. "...Ok-"

Time stops, and the world dims again.

…

Stepping back into the bar, sliding past the vampire as she placed another bottle on the counter, I swipe my lone bottle from my seat and take a sip for the road.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

With time re-enabled, the door to Mistress' chamber swings open automatically as I step in to greet her…

"Ah, Sakuya…" She looks up from her throne. "Back from your festivities, already? Did you see the snow outside…?"

Snow? That's... not right. "I had to come back to inform you of a business proposal from the village."

"Oh…? At _this_ hour?" Mistress furrows her brows. "It'd figure, I suppose. Out with it, then, what do they want this time? If it's charity, send them some _gunpowder_. I'm tired of declining beggars."

"It pertains to your second latest servant." I inform her.

"...Oh. So you _found_ him." Smiling, Mistress crossed her legs… "Do they have the child captive or in protective custody? If so, I'm sure Patchy'd have a clever way to retain him, without confrontation. Ye~s… fufufu~!"

Before you get too far along with that… "They offered monetary compensation."

...Mistress blinks at me. "So? What's some pennies for a few pints? Tell me their price."

"Matt did not name the price." I reveal. "He simply threw around one hundred thousand yen at me, and I considered the transaction simply due to the scale."

...Slowly, Mistress began to hatch a wide, pleased grin. "So _we_ get to set the price, then. Fufufu~!"

Standing up, she begins to drift towards the door. "Ask one million yen of him by the end of the month. If the goods are destroyed or the price is not met, seize the property by any means. Well, if he's _destroyed_ , just bring the boy to _me_ so we may discuss more intricate details. Keep our presence in that dust bowl to a minimum, yes?"

Apt. "Understood, Mistress."

"Now…" Stopping in the door, Mistress turns back to me. "Go, have your fun. I may see myself to sleep. Keep what he's given you as a down payment."

"My appreciations, Mistress." I thank Mistress for her allowance to continue my post-incident leisure period.

…

With Mistress out of the room, I draw the sake bottle I've had on me from behind, tilt my head back-

Gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp…

 _The~re_. The trip back'll be a lot less tedious…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Marisa sets her bottle back down, the glass empty 'a content. "Hoo~! The hell'd Sakuya go~!?"

"Nowhere." Oh, shit, Sakuya's back…!

"Noo~..." Ha-chan pulls on Myon's ghostly tail, trying to keep a hold on it as it drags her around the midst of the bar…

Youmu shivers in her seat, holding her arms out towards the fairy. "Sto- stop that…!"

Leaning back in her seat, Reimu look over at Sakuya. "Hey, this place okay…?"

"Sure." Sakuya dismissively answers her question, before tilting her head back and chugging from what looks like a new bottle…

...Shrugging, Reimu slams her arms on the counter. "New bottle."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Well…

"Y'know, Reihmu…" Marisa's hat was on the counter before her, and she was lazily digging into it… "I- I wanna know. Sss~ my, ah… y'know tha' one card 'a mine? Tha' one wit' the lasers…" Beneath her hat are like, three different bottles...

Reimu was slouched over the counter, three empty bottles splayed out on their sides before her. "...Noo~. Wait… that's all of them."

Youmu was leaning on Sakuya's shoulder, only one empty bottle splayed out before her, a partially finished bottle in her hand. "Aa~h… you- you know… I- I wanna gu- get better at… throwing. My~ sword's… _legendahry_ , but… there- there's soo~ much I can learn from you.."

"Well, you know…" Sakuya's got like, two bottles before her, and is working on her third. "I'm, aah, not sure what to tell you. Technically, I don't… I don't teach people things, because I don't really care- for that sort of thing. But it- it's not-"

"Plea~se!" Youmu hugs onto Sakuya's side. "I-... I whanna better my _discipline…!_ The- there'sh _preshision_ in… thrower class." Thrower class, dude.

"I- I'm not a thrower, anyway." Sakuya gives her an uneasy frown. "I'm an _assassin_. Employed under Mistress Remilia Sch- Scarlet-"

"Noo~. You throw…" Youmu brings up her bottle, and takes a sip…

Ha-chan slowly lumbers over to me, having gotten a bottle to herself after enough begging. "Bra~d-ku~n. Try i~t…"

"No, yo." Freakin'... you've had a third of what these girls are having, and you're somehow just as hammered. "I like bein' me, yo…!"

"But…" Oh- woah! Ha-chan all but falls onto my back…! "I love you, Brad-kun. Beer'sh _fun._ "

"Fun for thee, but not for me~." Son…!

...Looking over at me uneasily, Marisa throws an arm out. "Jus'- fuckin' try it, dude… yhou'll like it. I know a drinker through _exposition_ …" I'm not sure if 'exposition' was the word you were lookin' for…!

Maria herself hasn't had any drinks since that shot glass. She's just kinda staring at the drunk girls with a wary expression…!

"Mmm~..." Ha-chan kisses the side of my head awkwardly, planting her lips somewhere in my hellstorm of hair. This feels weird!

...The little vampire serving us just kinda has her hands over her mouth, but doesn't look particularly concerned. More like some kinda awed!

"Go on in." Oh, hey, those bouncers talked to someone else.

The sound of clinking and jingling bottles is heard as someone begins to stomp into the bar. "Yeah, shut the fuck up…"

I look to get a glance at her- bad idea! Ha-chan takes this opportunity to just hug me outright. "Hehehe~...!"

Freakin'... looking past her, I see the person walking it. Oh holy shit, ain't that, aa~h, that one cat girl with the katana fingers? Fuck, I forget her name…

"Oh, curses…" Walking in, she hobbles around to navigate the room and get towards the counter… "Back wit' beer!"

"Yea~h!" Marisa cheers, pulling some kinda stone shard out of her hat. "...Aw, shit, I- I found iht!"

Reimu gives her an uneven, glossy look. "Wh- whuh is it…"

Marisa pouts. "...Aa~h. Fuck." Bringing it up, she tries to twirl it around in her hand, but ends up dropping it. "Ohp-"

It hits the floor behind her-

 _Fwash!_ A spike of ice erupts on the floor between her and Reimu. "...Is ice!"

"Oh." Reimu nods. "Cool…"

I try to rotate back around the counter, only for Ha-chan to freakin' wrap onto me like a caterpillar, forcing me to hold onto it for dear life. "Aye- freakin', what're ya doin'...!?"

"Nn~h…" Ha-chan's having a hard time freakin'... wrapping around me horizontally like some kinda monkey-

Tick-tick-tick-tick! Her wings start flapping! Freakin'...!

That kitty cat lady moved through the door out the back 'a the bar before I could ask her her name. Frik…

"He- hey, Youmu…" Marisa calls out across the table! "Cu- cut this ice fer me. I need my rock…"

Oh, boy. That's not gonna-

"No~." Youmu counters. "La- lashst time I used Roukha- Rourou- Kanrou-... _my sword_ , when I was drunk, I brohke the _bar_ …"

...So much for this place being a stripper joint-

"Enh…" Ha-chan, the fuck're ya tryin'a do to me…!?

Aside from her _gymnastics_ around my body, this place hasn't had much stripping or jointing…

"Go on in." Oh, anotha' guy.

...Marisa puts her hat on the icicle on the floor to hide it. "See, Reimu? Noh~ worries!"

"Oo~h…" She leaned onto the counter, deflating. "We- we're gunna hafta _pay_ for that, and when we dho, it- it's gonna _suck_."

...I look back at the guy who came in. It really is just, some unassuming looking villager dude with short black hair and a tired expression…

He gives my party a very, very wary stare as he cautiously rounds around the room to the bar counter…

Sighting him, Vanilla starts to shift to the left end of the counter, to service him once he gets to it.

Youmu lets out a sigh. "Sakuya~. Ha- have you ever… used a sword?"

"...Have you really been as far as decided to use go want to do feel more like?" Sakuya asks a sentence broken not in pronunciation, but grammar.

Aw. Shifting in my seat- 'cause freakin' Ha-chan-

Thud. Ha-chan slips off of me, and ends up on the floor. "Ow~..."

"...Oof." I look down at her semi-empathetically.

The guy reaches the counter. "Uh- hey."

The vampire girl greets him. "Ha- hi."

Standing up so I can properly get Sakuya 'n' Youmu's attention- 'cause they're drunk as shit and slow to respond to things- I half-yell my question to them, yo. "Have I ever told ya the story about _cowboys!?_ "

Youmu's not fazed at all by the question, giving me a blank stare…

"Ah…" Sakuya feels the need to respond. "And- and the indians?"

"No, the _midgets_." I wiggle my eyebrows, jerking a thumb towards the barkeep at that 'fairy maid' trap in the corner there.

"Pff- pfft…" Shit, Sakuya must really be drunk if she allows herself to express humor…! "I- I suppose that would be most apt. Most apt…"

"How's twenty grand?" That unassuming guy laid some money on the counter.

...The loli vampire looked it over for a moment, before nodding. "Kay. Um…" Looking at the 'fairy maid', she gulped. "Go…"

Glowering at her, the young guy began to move towards the pile of plywood in the corner of the room with the guy.

On closer inspection, this pile of plywood was a really makeshift staircase to a hole in the ceiling leading to the upper level. Did what I just think happened, happen?

...Fuck, so this place really ain't a strip club. It's a sex dungeon…!

...And everyone's too drunk to care! Man. So that crap _does_ happen in the village. Well, I kinda already knew that from some other bastards, but… and Matt's in on this, isn't he? That'd figure…!

Aa~h. So _that's_ why he ran out the door, as well. Oh, well. I-... just remembered he probably has that death loli somewhere close. I was gonna say 'raid and free the slaves' but uu~h… I don't really wanna fuck with that lovable ball of death.

You know what, yo? Cross that bri~dge when I get to it! This village has bigger shit wrong with it at the moment…! S'probably not a remote instance here!

...I glance at Maria, who seems to have noted what just happened, too.

"I wish we had cats…" Sakuya was watching, but just went back to being nonsensical once the exchange was done.

"We- we had a dead cat once…" Youmu sighed dramatically. "Wa- was cute… but it was _everywhere_. 'Specially the dead kind, they like… they- they just don't quit. Like- egh…"

"...You're right." Sakuya stared down at the counter. "I- I'd have to clean up more. Don't they piss everywhere…?"

"Only some." Youmu smiles, nodding…"The deahd ones, they don't. They jus' track echtoplasm…"

...Woah- holy fuck-

 _Thud_. I land on the floor after Ha-chan springs out from before me, bowling me to ground with a tackle-push. "Wee~!" Freakin'...

"Oof…" My body slowly stops protesting the manhandling as I look up at the fairy. "Why~, yo…!"

"Nha~h…" Looming over me, she brings her face close to mine. Son- there's a time and a place-

"Mmm…" I let her kiss my cheek instead 'a my lips, because _alcohol breath_.

"Hey." Reimu looks down at us disapprovingly. "Don't fuhck. It's public decency…"

Oh, okay…!

…

"Aah…" Ha-chan just collapses onto me, my face nuzzled into her chest. Whelp…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 71

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Robot Demolisher, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Factory Disassembler, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Has Forgotten What Half of These Titles Stood For, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Hard Winter - A earth/ice-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice! Allows the user to cast Ice Shard. Extends combo length by one artificially. Allows the user to jump out out of combos smoothly, and leave frost in their trail.

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I _would_ like to know where it actually _puts_ all my stuff though…

==o==

WEAPONS:

Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! It better, with a name like 'Swordbreaker'. Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! May cast Flash, an attack that blinds; works best on darkness elementals and youkai. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can cast Gust. By the addition of a steel block, its attack and magic attack increased slightly. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites stuff on impact. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle, allowing the user to cast Flamethrower Plus! Allows the user to cast Fume.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Can produce limitless fresh water. Boosts the power of water skills. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style; physical attack increased, physical defense lowered. User bleeds out faster. Can cast Revenge, an attack that increases in power the lower the user's health is. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to let it cut!

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Lowers defense slightly. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger is slightly electric and holy elemental. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy…

==o==

ARMOR:

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Seventy-five percent time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!

Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means _business, son_. _One hundred percent_ ice resistance, and as such renders me immune to all magical ice damage. Dunno 'bout icicles and stuff, though. Fifty percent freeze resistance… not that freezing will hurt me with this thing on. Fifty percent dark resistance. Negative fifty percent fire and burning resistance. Hopefully hides me a bit when navigating in the freakin' brush...

Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! Fifty percent sun resistance, one hundred percent freezing and blinding resistance. Also gives immunity to electrical stunning. It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.

Lunarian Prototype Space Suit - A suit meant for combat in deep space. So far, it's only got the whole 'exist in deep space' part down…! _One hundred percent_ electric resistant. One hundred percent freezing resistant. Has an oxygen tank, but that's only useful if you wear the helmet to go along with it. Randomly casts Zero Gravity when it feels like it.

Lunarian Prototype Deep Space Helmet - It's a freakin' helmet. Fifty percent blinding resistant! When worn with the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit, it also confers immunity to burning and poison, along with _another_ one hundred percent electricity resistance. Yo…!

Testing Oxygen Tank - The oxygen tank used by the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit. Lasts for two and a half minutes! Not meant to actually be used outside of testing, but it's possible. Refills automatically in breathable air.

MP Prize Pin - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field. For awhile only the user(s) of this badge may pick them up, but after a grace period anyone can. Extends prize grabbing range!

Sun Badge - Fifteen percent sun resistance when equipped. Fifty percent resistance to blinding and electrical stunning. Replaces the on-impact effect of all weapons with Sunfire Flare when worn.

==o==

CONSUMABLES/OTHER:

Forty-one thousand, two hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!

Five Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Mega Potion - Youkai-like regen for thirty seconds… except for the whole family! Applies to entire party. Good for when we all suck at life!

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Three Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on _debuffs_ , though...

Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Rope of Red Bikinis - Wahaha! Gonna getcha, son!

Sacred Eagle Feather - A gift from a rambler. It's… sentimental, I think? Help.

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I _really_ have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

==o==

Hana, the Electric Fairy Maid - A cuddleable fairy who's stalked me for awhile. She's lovable, dude. Healed by electrical damage! Casts tiny bolts of electricity as her attack these days…

PRIMARY WEAPON: Zap!

INVENTORY:

 _Probably_ rocks - Yeah.

Winter Mittens - Aww. Keeps hands from freezing.

Winter Coat - Where does she store this when it's not on…?

[unknown space remaining]

==o==

Maria, the Actually Ordinary Magician - A villager from the human village. Used to run the most impoverished bar ever, but that fell under or something. Really low self-esteem! No known resistances or weaknesses. Can cast basic elemental spells!

INVENTORY:

Wood Staff - Good for bonking things!

Raggedy Clothing - Low quality, old clothes from the village. Keeps her covered.

[Travel Bag] - Inventory that exists! Does not take up inventory because it is inventory. Eight slots.

Two Mana Potions - Guess wha~t? It heals, except mana!

[six spaces remaining]

==o==

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

hoh

the big FAMILY SHOUT OUT

this probably left maria homeless but y'know - w - i don't really think that place was home anyway…!

we will see genkan later on! she's not committing to stickin' with me because she actually has a home to turn to and quite likes it

xavier shows up again! he's friendly, dude

THE BIG FAMILY SHOUT OUT YO

and in came

a FI~RE SUMO!

anyway yeah

my guy didn't immediately flip out over trafficking because _he's not really thinking about the abstract ramifications at the moment_ but give him some time and a little more 'what the fuck' things in the village and y'know

nuggetvania dude

oh yeah first chapter of the batch innit

if i get this out on hoolaween: happy hoolaween yo l :3 ! ! !

as always, see you all next time!


	91. Super Okina Odyssey Party Land Kart 2

(in which we get involved in some wumbo jumbo yo)

"Alri~ght…" Reimu let out a sigh as she 'n the girls stepped ahead 'a me 'n' Ha-chan outta the bar.

The sun's a shinin', blue bird's 'a singin, a~nd it's really fucking warm out for some reason! Like, _warm_. Too warm…!

"Hey, uu~h…" I turn to Ha-chan as we exit the bar. "Just a bit warm for a winter day, isn't it?" Is this the 'indian winter' my parents always talked about, yo…? S'that even a thing in Japan, let alone Gensokyo?

"I- I wanna kiss…" Freakin'... I dunno how to respond to that. Help.

The four girls stumble forward into the road, arms around one another…

"I- I can fly~…!" Marisa tried to jump from the line, but Sakuya 'n' Reimu held her firmly in place. "Le- lemme~...!"

"Noo~h." Reimu's arm was firmly interlocked with Marisa's. "We- whe're goin' home…"

"The- the- I don't life a' th' shrife…" Youmu ceases to make sense, hanging onto Reimu's right arm…

"...We do- don't not live at the shrine." Sakuya makes _some_ sense.

...I walk out behind them, still sober! Ha-chan's less fortunate, but she's fluffy, dude. Maybe I'll follow the noobs back to the shrine and crash there while Reimu's too drunk to complain.

"We- Whe~r goin' _home!_ " Reimu makes her case known! "...Le- we fly t'gether, don't get lost 'n' uh, won't hurt our- ourshelves…" Words! I hear words, but I know not what they mean...!

"Lemme _go~!_ " Marisa throws an arm out-

"Nnh…" Sakuya takes an elbow to the gut-

Sloppily placed knife danmaku splash out randomly in the direction of Marisa-

"Guh…" Having snapped a few feet away, Sakuya hit herself with a few.

Marisa's face gets filled for a moment-

 _Fwam._ The bullets dissipate against her face, leaving a lingering glow for a moment more. ...She's left blinking at the air, somewhat befuddled. "... _Ou~ch!_ "

" _Shut uhp!_ " Reimu jerks on Marisa's arm! "We'll ca- care- take you there…"

...Myon drifts past Youmu, and floats into Reimu's face.

"Mmh…" Reimu shuts her eyes, enduring the ghost snuggle.

Marching back up to Marisa, Sakuya re-interlocks their arms. "Come- come on, black-white. We…" ...Her sentence just ends. Oof.

"I- I'll beat y' the fuck _up_ …" Marisa starts jerking her arms again, but Sakuya keeps a firmer grip. "Fuck- fuckin', lemme go- let's fight…!"

"Not 'n' the village." Reimu starts marching forward, jerkily pulling Youmu 'n' Marisa along…

...With that, the four girls start uneasily walking off-

Youmu tries to fly early. "Ah- aah!"

Thu-thud! Reimu and Marisa get sprawled out across the ground.

"He- _hee~y!_ " Reimu scrambles up, flying unevenly off her limbs and towards Youmu. "Ghet _back here!_ "

"Ah…" Youmu stops in the air, and realizes her sins, yo. "Oh- oh, no…"

S'gonna be a long way home! Guards're giving us _mean looks_ and I'm pretty sure the heroines are supposed to be barred from the village right now, but… do you _really_ wanna fuck with a drunk four-girl party? In the figurative way…!

Well, I'm here, too. I don't think I count by comparison…!

...Marisa's helped up off the ground by Sakuya, rollin' her head around uneasily. "Fah- fuckin'..."

...From out behind me, Maria steps out, giving the girls an uneasy look. "Let's follow them…" Already planned on it, yo!

Lo~ng freakin' way home, son.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"We~'re off ta shee tha' wisha~rd!" Marisa marches along the Hakurei path as the girls next to her make very disjointed and broken efforts at flying more than a few inches off the ground.

Reimu makes short, cute jerks in the air, seeming very focused on her flying...

Youmu looks like she's about to fall asleep, so she's just drifting forward…

Sakuya's throwing Marisa's left arm back and forth violently with her freakin'... hyperactive motions, going forward and backward really fast but still keeping Marisa's arm in the center of her movements.

We've attracted zero attention, so far, for obvious reasons.

"Mm~n…" Ha-chan kisses into my neck again. Freakin'- ever since that apsara skedoodle, she's recognized kissing as a form of intimacy. Issa bit awkward, but everyone except for me is drunk, so~... oh, and Maria, but she ain't gonna jeer me ta a pulp.

As we trot along the path like a buncha drunkards and not-so drunkards, I notice the trees go from no foliage- as they should be- to foliage, as if we'd stepped into the _twilight zone_. It's also cooler over here, a little. Freakin'...

Oh, hey, the Hakurei stairs.

...As the drunk girls round up to it ahead-

"A- aah…" They drop onto their limbs once they get to the stone steps proper, before untangling, springing off and taking a few steps back.

"Up th' side…" Reimu goes for the grass aside the stairs. "Won't crack ya skull…"

Sakuya blinks out of existence, before appearing on her back and rotated around, as if she'd just fell on her ass and slid down the hill while time was stopped. "...Assistiss- iss… he- help."

Crouching down, Reimu grabs her leg and begins dragging her up, using her knees and free arm to scale the steep hill…

"Ah- hey- aa~h…" Sakuya's dragged up still on her back…!

Marisa takes her broom that she's had in her arms-

 _Thud!_ -and _sits_ on it, without activating it. "Whoohoohoo~! Go, go~!"

 _Fzz~t_. Sparkler-esque energy comes from the back of it, as it slowly accelerates and crawls up the hill, making it look like Marisa's just riding her ass up the grass.

...Youmu hovers into the air a little, before thrusting forward awkwardly-

" _Ah!_ " -a~nd flying straight into Reimu.

Thu-thud. Now they're just a pile on the hillside…

"Fff~ _aaa~h!_ " Yell, Reimu, yell!

...I begin ta follow Maria up the stairs. Ha-chan clinging to me makes going up a _slow endeavor_ but an endeavor nonetheless.

...After lookin' around to admire the nice weather, I notice someone with long green hair running down a far side of the hill, before taking into the air and floating into the trees. Who the fuck…?

Sure as hell wasn't Sanae or Mima, 'cause one's a shrine maiden and the other's ain't got _legs_. This girl had somethin' red on, but I haven't seen anyone like that before. Hmm.

We reach the top! Well, by we I mean everyone but Reimu, Sakuya and Youmu.

Marisa's at the top here, stumbling away from the shrine wall she crashed into. "Aa~h…"

"I knew I made a good choice ignoring beer…" Maria doesn't sound very into alcohol! Me either, yo, me either…

"Bu- but ish good!" Ha-chan hugs herself closer to me…! "Ri- right, Brad-kun…?"

"Don't ask me, yo…!" S'not a question to ask me, yo…!

After some moments, Maria goes up to the door ahead 'a all of us, and slides it open…

Inside is the good 'ol Hakurei Shrine! Nice 'n' empty…

"So this is what the shrine looks like…" Maria looks around. "...It's a lot smaller than the villagers say."

Pfft. "What'd they say…?"

"Everything from tents, teepees to fortresses." Maria dryly steps up to the kotatsu… "Guess it really is poor, though. I don't see how being a shrine maiden could be profitable… well... nevermind." Hoh. She wanted to take that somewhere else, but didn't, yo.

"The great Hakurei teepee, dude." Nodding, I approach the kotatsu. Should I get under it or no~t… "Under the great chieftain _Scar_ , yo."

Maria snorts.

…

Reimu stumbles in through the doorway! "Aah- ah!" Someone falls into her from behind!

Thu-thu-thud. Youmu pushes Sakuya into her, and then the three of them just pile up.

"Nn~h…!" Reimu vainly thrashes her arms out to crawl forward…!

"I- I give up…" Youmu sinks into Sakuya's back, closing her eyes. "G'night…"

Sakuya tries to crawl out from between the two of them-

Thu- thud. They roll off of Reimu-

Ooo! Reimu darts under the kotatsu at light speed…!

…

She pokes her face out from inside, gazing up at me. Aww…

I crouch down, holding a hand out. "Can I pet you, Reimu-friend?"

...She glares at me-

 _Fwam!_

Holy mother of _fuck!_ Ouch, shit…!

Thu-thud. I land on the floor after Reimu shoots danmaku from her _eyes at me_. Holy _shit_ …

Ha-chan fell with me since she was clung to me-

"Hahaha~!" She just _flops_ onto me after realizing what happened. Freakin'...!

"Are- are you okay…?" Maria steps towards me cautiously…!

"Ye- yeah. Just… danny maky." Freakin'... oof. Face hurts...

Marisa wanders inside, and steps cautiously past Sakuya 'n' Youmu. "Aa~h… eh- ey Reimu, how'sh 'bout… _tea?_ "

...Reimu looks like she just wants ta sleep…!

She looks over at me while Ha-chan drowsily clings to me. "Br- Bra~hd. Fetch water…"

Ooh. "From the kitchen, yeah?" I start to peel Ha-chan offa myself-.

"No. I- I used it t' wash oil offa stuff. Go to lake." Reimu requests of me, shrinking back under her kotatsu… "Thanks."

Hoh.

…I think I'll check if she has some jugs! Also I can just make water with Deep Blue, I don't even hafta go anywhere.

"I'll-..." Looking over the disjointed state of the girls, Maria makes a focused face. "...I'll stay here and watch them."

"Mmrmrm…" Ha-chan's tired herself out…

Gettin' up and onto my feet, I give Maria a wave. "Alright, yo. I'll be back from the lake in a million years!"

Maria gives me a nod. "Be safe." Ho ho…!

Leisurely progressin' across the room, I walk into the kitchen by slidin' open the door, goin' on in, and sliding it shut.

...Oh, hoh. Reimu's got some jugs in her sink, empty looking.

Taking out Deep Blue, I pull the valve, approach 'em, and start filling them!

Ho~h.

…

After filling one to the brim, I pat it on the side as I li~ft it up and set it aside. They're big, so they're fuckin' heavy…!

"You…"

Me? Oh…

Lookin' to the left, I see- oh. It's that kappa girl behind the previous incident. She's just here, and seems to be chained to the chair she's in by bands of ofuda.

"Interrogate me." She gives me a crooked smile as she wiggles in her chair. "Took the miko long enough to find you, ah? Have a party, did you?"

"Yeah, yo!" I get excited! "Wit' the _booze,_ and the _strippers_ , and the…!" Taking my hanger, I start smacking the air! "Enh, enh- ooh…!" Almost let go of the thing…!

Some of the water splashes across the table, but the kappa doesn't so much as flinch from the splashes that hit her. With an uneven expression, she blinks at me. "I should have expected this ridicule. But, it still hurts…"

Oof. S'too bad, innit? "Y'know what still hurts?" I turn back to keep filling jugs…

"Enlighten me~." Kappa girl forwards the conversation!

...Ah, shit, I didn't have anywhere to take this. I thought I did!

"The other day…" Time to bullshit! "I slid down this big ravine, dude."

"...Your legs are not broken." Kappa girl informs me flatly.

"Dude- you don't know that!" I choose to be offended about it! "Dude- what if I just like…" Holding up my leg, I begin hopping on one foot, and-

Thud. I land on my ass forcefully! " _Aa~h!_ "

"Wh- what…?" Kappa girl is sufficiently thrown off guard! ...After a moment, she glowers at me, upset. "How- how stupid do you think I am?"

...Standing up, I pretend nothing happened. "I don't! Probably a zillion times better at smart things than me, unless it's the 'not-starting-incidents' subject, in which case I think uu~h, I gotta better track record than you…!"

"You say this, but…" She shakes her head. "Well, it _was_ that yuki-onna who bested me. I hadn't accounted for ice magic in my calculations, and for good reason…"

Four jugs filled! Wait- aren't I just collecting enough for tea? What'm I doing…?

Ah, whatever. I'll just waltz in with like twenty gallons and tell them I bought the entire lake off of Cirno or something.

...I walk over to the restrained kappa girl. Her hair's bobby, short and blue, but distinctly a duller tone than like, Nitori's. Her eyes're deep blue, but I'm gonna assume that's a common kappa thing.

I give her a head pat. "You're _friendly,_ dude."

She gives me a dour glare, but restrains herself from saying anything.

...With that, I walk back towards the jugs. I'll take two into the main room and ask what to do from there. I swear, if _I'm_ asked to brew tea…

"Aren't you going to keep at me?" Kappa girl interrogates _me_ …! "Hakurei sent you in here for a reason."

Pfft. I shake my head. "Nah. She told me ta get 'er some water 'cause she's drunk off her ass…!"

…

"S'fer… s'fer tea." I clarify at her blank stare.

"Just- just go. Take your dripping hanger and dripping mind and put a cork in it." Man, I miss when she was more off the hinges.

"Al~right, yo…" Finally pocketing 'n' disabling my hanger- got the place freakin' wet, I did- I took two jugs- oh fuck nevermind just one…! "Oo~kay! Just one, then…!"

Time to hobble to the door…!

...As I get to it, I bring my leg up to slide it open.

 _Clack!_ It slams somewhere in the wall as I take big strides into the room with my jug…!

Befuddled, Maria seems to be cautiously outside. "Wh- what happened in there?"

I shake my head at her. "Oo~h, lemme tell ya… Reimu's got some big jugs…!"

"Ha ha~!" Marisa guffaws from the floor, for the briefest moment, despite otherwise being zonked.

"Wh- what…" Reimu peeks out from under her kotatsu, looking even more tired than before. "Oh… already…"

…Her eyes drifting shut, she shifts onto her side and gets comfy. She's stopped caring, yo.

...Wasn't there like, forms for incident resolution? Where'd Reimu keep those again? Did she ever get them reprinted? Freakin'...!

…

Sakuya is suddenly next to me! Hoh, shit-

She leans onto me, then lays a hand on the big jug I lugged in. "I'll- I'll make… the tea."

If you say so. You'll probably do a better job drunk than I would ever!

She vanishes with the jug, and then there's a new water puddle on the floor to the left of me for some reason. Oh, okay…

...Let's sit at the kotatsu…

I walk up to it, and sit under it. Reimu's conked, so I'll be mindful of her corpse…

Maria exhales. "...So. What now?"

...Y'know, I really dunno! "Weather's freakin' weird. Y'think it's an incident?"

"So soon after the other? No way…" Maria denies it. She says this, but if I remember correctly, the buddhist incident happened right after Reimu beat up Old Hell, so…

Ah, she's probably right though. Maybe some localized phenomena, or some asshole playing with a tool beyond their comprehension. Normal Tuesday in Gensokyo!

…

"We could go check out the lake without the fog, yo." I suggest _something_ to do. Maybe we'll find Cirno and she'll cryo-freeze us for a million years.

...Nodding, Maria gains a confident smile. "I'd like that. The fog made it hard to appreciate last time."

I think these girls'll be alright on their own. If Reimu can sleep at this shrine, so can her and three friends while drunk!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

With my camou-mono back on- but not my asshole helmet- me and Maria stop before the Misty Lake…

Pretty misty, but not foggy! Actually looks really _clear_ for mist, today, but it's still mist. Also it is fucking _warm._ Why is it warm _here?_

"Ah…" Maria feels it too, tugging at her worn but warm clothes a little. "This is… nice. But stuffier than I thought…"

Weird shit. Isn't this one of the more ice-biomey places?

In the bright, encompassing sunlight, I scan the lakeside…

Some girls to the right, some girls and stuff to the left! There's a big mark where that lunarian base thing used to be, so there looks to be some kappa and Eientei rabbits meandering about there.

All around the lakeside's a buncha scattered robot parts, polluting the place. That's not good!

"Hnn~h…" I watch Cirno float by, carrying a big 'n' frayed stringy net full of robot parts from the lake. Some generic water fairies seem to be accompanying her, carrying individual parts-

 _Clank!_ Cirno drops her parts just off the shore, the things partially submerged in the water. "Phew…! That was so light, Eye thought it was heavy!"

One of the many generic water fairies turns to her. "Wo~w. I've never been strong enough to feel that sorta thing…" She stares at her own arms…

"Some day you might be half as strong as me! And then you might feel it!" Cirno flexes a non-existent bicep!

...I hear the low hum of a car engine from somewhere, and turn to it. Cars in Gensokyo…?

Ho~ly shit that's a car alright. Not a car as I typically know it, though. This looks like some kinda rover or all-terrain buggy. Seems to be made of vibrant blues and greens, and really rough metal.

Some short friends with bright green and yellow clothing drive up, dim goggles obscuring their eyes as they pull up near the pile of parts Cirno deposited.

 _Clack- clack, clack, clack._ Doors slam as the four kappa get out and move to scavenge the entire net of parts. Kappa have vehicles, then? Well, I did see Nitori's boat awhile ago.

Without talking to the kappa, Cirno immediately abandons the parts she'd hefted up, taking another net from her pocket and flailing it about to expand it. Seems the fairies are voluntarily cleaning the lake, for some reason! S'probably 'cause of their nature affiliation, so they're just compelled to do it…

Spla- splash! The water fairies just dip into the water entirely. Aw…

"Looks like the fairies and kappa are cleaning up…" Maria nods at the happenings, too. "...Even with all this activity, the lake's really pretty. I've never seen so much water in one place before." Oo~h. Wait until I accidentally drop what oceans are…!

"I've never seen so little water in one place before." I echo her sentiments. The sun's pretty and all, but I wish my eyes weren't freakin' half-blinded by its mere presence…!

Oo~h, nice breeze. All this weather makes me wanna _do something_ , but I dunno what yet!

"Mandarin?"

...Someone offers a mandarin to us. Who the frik…

Turning to my right, I see a girl sitting next to us that we hadn't seen before. She was sittin' just off the shore, her legs crossed with a basket of mandarins on her lap.

She had long, blonde hair, but not like neon yellow blonde, like, real world person blonde. She had a freakin' weird black hat thing on her head, with three _protrusions_ , and the top 'n' bottom 'a her dress were orange and green respectively.

Also, black boots! "Hello, youkai friend." She's got this orange… _thing_ on her front. Google tells me it's a _tabard_ , but…! Oh, it's also adorned with a constellation or something. Tiny suns with lines between them!

"...Why?" Maria is skeptical!

...The girl sitting before us tilts her head.

"Ah, whatever, yo." Crouching down, I accept the mandarin! "Sure…"

"Here." She hands it to me, smiling.

...It appears to be a normal mandarin! I start peeling it with my pseudo-wizard finger nails…

Maria blinks at me. "...Are you _sure_ that's safe?"

The blonde girl raises a brow at Maria. "If I wanted to poison someone through a hand exchange, I'd not do it on a busy lakeside like today. Though, I suppose such caution has merit, for one such as yourself."

...I think Maria's pretty sure that was an insult, but she doesn't look like she cares.

...Idly, I pace about as I peel my mandarin and cast its remains to the dirt nearby. Actually, maybe I should keep some skins to throw at a dude later.

"Beautiful day." Unknown girl makes her remarks!

"Yeah…" Maria agrees…

…

"Y'know, yo…" If we're not gonna talk about anything, I'm gonna find some things to talk about! "What's the viability of mandarin peels as a weapon?"

...The girl just turns to me. "I'd say not very." Aww. "With the right magical allocation, I'm sure any fruit could be a makeshift harassment tool, but not a weapon. Unless…"

She holds up a mandarin with her right hand, tossing it up and down.

Slowly, it begins to glow softly, filling with some kind of weird, golden glow…

 _Woosh!_ She tosses it into the air over the lake. Despite her throw looking kinda soft, it _hurls_ out there…

 _Fwoa~m!_ In the midst of the air, it vanishes, wisps of light-bending blue energy traveling from where it used to be in almost fire-like splashes.

…

 _Fwuu- fwuu- fwuu~sh!_ Across the lake, huge geysers erupt!

"Wooaa~h!" Cirno freaks out!

 _Fwa~sh!_ One of the geysers is partially frozen!

...The kappa nearby look around, one of them drawing a firearm from their back and aiming it around cautiously while the others haul the net of parts back to the buggy.

 _Spla~sh!_ After some moments, all the geysers collapse. Robot parts that had previously sunk to the bottom of the lake were now floating along the top, more accessible to the fairies.

From here, I can see Waka-hoohaha pushing around a clump of them towards the shore across the lake.

"I suppose that's cheating." The girl next to me holds a hand to her chin. "Using it as a mere focus to cast a spell is about the same as casting the spell itself."

...Maria's pretty impressed! "Um, who're you?"

Looking at her, the girl smiles wider. "...I'm afraid, for now, I cannot tell you. It is a secret." Aw, dude…!

Lookin' over at her, I guess! "Hazel."

...She blinks. "Excuse me?"

"Buttercup." Puttin' my money on Buttercup…!

"...No." She shakes her head. "I don't think an outsider could possibly guess-"

"Wood _oak!_ " Quick, guess more…! "Pineapple…?"

"You'll know in _time._ " Sardonically, she glances away… "A few days, in fact. I'd hoped today, but nature's taking its time building up from yesterday's events. Still, everything… seems fine."

Hey now, yo. Them's suspicious words!

"Nature…? What do you mean?" Maria asks for more exposition!

"Nature was wounded, yesterday, but today it is not." Secret girl gives us a single nod. "Tomorrow, it will flourish, and the whole of Gensokyo will know."

"How do you know?" Press 'er, Maria, press 'er!

"...I simply _do_." With a _smug expression_ , she takes a bite out 'a her mandarin…

...After looking unsure for a moment, Maria looks away, then refocuses on her. "Are-... are you trying to start an incident?"

"Yes." Well, shit…!

"We- we'll stop you!" Oo~h! I guess we're in action…!

 _Crunch!_ I take a big bite out of my mandarin. S'pretty good…

...The girl turns 'er head to us, and shakes it. "Do yourselves a favor and reconsider. My powers are beyond your comprehension, and even using danmaku on you right now would be unbecoming on my part."

…

With my mandarin still in my mouth, I take out Deep Blue, twist the valve, 'n' point it at her.

As the water travels to her, it pivots around in the air and begins to splash me instead. Oh, okay…

Amused, she focuses on her mandarin again. "Don't wear yourselves out, now."

Y'know what? "Wheh mi' nh... " Mandarin still in mouth, gotta unequip it…! "We might not be able to fight you, yo…" I point at 'er…! "But we can outwit ya!"

"Oh? Do you suggest a test of intellect, then…?" Standing up, her basket of mandarins floats up beside her. "What do you have in mind?"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Inside the Scarlet Devil Mansion garden, we walk up to a thing in the midst of some hedges…!

"Here it is." Meiling lazily waves a hand at the thing. "If anyone of you actually has half a brain to solve it, Mistress would like to talk with you. Have fun…" With that, she turns around and steps away…

We marched over to the mansion, and I asked Meiling if they had any block puzzles. Apparently they do!

"Don't break it, either!" She yells at us from somewhere around the mansion-side!

...From here, it seems to be like…

Four half-person-sized blocks at the corners. In the center is a wide circle, the midst of it having some triangular insertions, but no square holes, especially the size of the blocks. There are blocks 'a square 'n' triangular shapes placed all inside of the circular pad. As fer the pad itself, the edges're blank metal until it gets to a point where it can house blocks without disrupting its circular shape.

Everything looks metal, which is uncharacteristic for this mansion's purposes...

"...Looks complicated." Maria gazes at it blandly. "We probably have to shift the blocks around until they're all in there."

...The girl of many secrets we brought with us just gazes down it with a tinge of confusion. "What's something like _this_ doing back here…?"

I grin at her. "Little do you know, yo, vampires specialize in block puzzles to hide their loot."

"It's not that." She blinks at the big circular pad on the floor. "Nevermind. It's also a little unlike what it should look like, but it's probably better that way."

Yeah, sure. "...To be honest, I didn't really think they'd have a block puzzle. I dunno how to make it competitive!"

She holds a hand up… then lowers it. "It's not radioactive, so it should be safe to play around with." Radio _active?_ What're _you_ talkin' about…?

…

I stare at her expectantly, until she stares at me in turn. "...Hmm?"

"Help." I walk over to a block, and start trying to pu~sh…! Oh. I can't even move it. "Help…!"

...She appears jaded. "I expected something more competitive. I shall not aid you in solving this."

Aww. "...Alright, yo. Guess I'll come back to it later." Freakin'... block puzzle.

It's pretty warm at the mansion, right now. I'm sweating in my kimono…

Hmm~. "Let's go inside, yo. We gotta go around…" I think. There's probably some back doors, but-

"Oh, there's no need." Mystery girl floats towards the back of the mansion, since we're pretty much behind it…

Once she gets near it, she knocks on an arbitrary part of the back wall-

Crea~k. Uu~h. A door just… _opens_ on the back. Like, not even a _door_ door. Just, the wall flaps open like a double door, and reveals some of the mansion interior.

Inside seems to be… floor? Looking straight ahead, we see the carpeted floor of one of the halls.

"What the he~ll…" Marchin' up and peeking my head inside, I look around…

This doorway leads to the ceiling of some hallway.

The girl drifts in, and rotates herself seamlessly to land on her legs.

...I climb inside-

 _Thud_. -A~nd fall on my face, cool. Well, my arms, but-

Thud. Oww~! Maria landed _on_ me…

"Alright…" Mystery magic girl begins to drift ahead. "Where to?"

Freakin', that's the _worst_ question in this mansion…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We're i~n the library!

Koakuma sets down the Chinese Checkers board on the table we've all stationed at. "Here you go~!"

"Thank you." With a nod, blonde mystery girl waves the succubus off.

"Thank you, Koakuma." Patchy waves her off, too. "...You may stay, if you do not disrupt."

"C'mo~n." With a smug, hungry grin, she slides up to the mystery girl. "She's got a lo~tta mana. And…" Leaning forward as the mystery girl gazes ahead blandly, Koakuma tries to steal a kiss on the cheek-

 _WOOSH_

 _Bam!_ Flung by a particularly well-aimed, mean gust of wind, Koakuma flops against a nearby bookshelf like a ragdoll. "Faa- aah…!"

Patchy snorts under her breath. "O- oh."

Yeah, oh.

Maria blinks with wide eyes, having sat next to the mystery girl.

"...That was an awfully quick incantation." Makin' some remarks, Patchy sets the board up before us… _telekinetically!_ "Do you specialize in wind magic?"

"You could say that…" The girl before us tilts her head back and forth. "Tell me, magi, what do _you_ detect?"

"Nothing human, certainly." Patchy rotates the board for no reason once the pieces are all set up. "...Nothing _biological_ , either. Not in the traditional sense. Would you mind if I spoiled your divinity?"

"A little late to ask that." With a half-smile, the girl shifts her posture and sets her arms on the table, getting ready to play… "But, I don't mind. Perhaps it will serve as a clue to these two."

Divine, yeah? So she's a god? Tha~t'd figure. What'd happen if Koakuma fucked a god? Must you fuck god to become god…!?

Oh, right, Chinese Checkers.

Patchy snaps her fingers-

 _Fwish_. A purple arrow generates in the air before us, spinning around until it lands on the mystery girl. "You go first, rotate counter-clockwise. Go."

She moves her cyan marble outward…

...A~nd it's my turn immediately.

…

Just rea~lized the last time I played Chinese Checkers, hoo~h… I, uh, don't got a number quote on that, but it was awhile ago, lemme tell ya!

I move my piece outward. I remember that much!

Patchy moves her piece telekinetically, while holding up a book magically and bringing a cup of warm Cocoa over with her _mind._ "...So, what misfortune has caused you to fall into such company? Have the Moriya syphoned the faith to critical levels again?"

"I'm not a Shinto-affiliated deity." God friend reveals!

Maria moves her piece…

 _God herself ladies and gentlemen_ moves another piece a space. "...If you win, I'll tell you my name."

I move my piece! "...So, we moving our pieces to the other spawn point, o~r…?"

Movin' her piece, Patchy gives me a vain stare. "You picked this game and don't know how to play it."

I shrug at her! "I- aah, I dunno! ...All I know yo, this game's as deceptive as the Chinese themselves!"

After Maria's move, god girl goes. "You'd find yourself quite right with that assessment, I believe." Freakin'...

…

Also, damn this is a long game…! I really gotta get all _these_ pieces over _there_? Oh, shit…!

"If you _lose_ …" God girl smiles at me. "...You tell me _your_ name."

It's like strip poker, except Chinese Checkers, and with personal information. Does your Social Security Number count as underwear for this game…? I don't think Gensokyo even has that kinda system. Everyone probably gets pincodes when they set up a bank account and that's that.

"What if I _don't_ , yo?" I challenge her! "What're you gonna do, yo?"

 _Bam!_ Behind us, Koakuma is slammed into the floor. "Hnh- aah…"

...I nod. "Point taken, well made…!"

"Thank you." She nods at me respectfully. Freakin'...

Click, clack, clack, click. Moving orbs…!

Clack, clack. This already happened like a million times, but I make my orb jump over some of my own orbs. Basically, you can't kill each other, but you can fuck- I mean, play leapfrog with any piece, and use them to get to the other spawn. Y'can jump as _many times_ as you are able!

"Can we cuddle?" I turn to Patchy.

"Ask Koakuma." Patchy dismisses me. "That's what she's there for." Son…

Patchy's turn-

Click. -is done.

Maria's turn…

…

Click. Took her time-

Click. A~nd, that's god's turn! No~w it's… my turn…

…

…

I move one piece-

Click, click, click. Patchy, chill…!

Click. Maria moves her piece-

Click, click, click! I know you're god, but…!

Man, how in the nine fucks are they already halfway done? I just got my stuff outside the spawn except not really!

Clack. I made my-

Clack, click, click, click! It's like playing against the AI…!

Clack, clack. Maria makes a meager double jump-

Cla- cla- cla- cla- clack. Holy cow…!

...I move my piece _once_ , making it look like I'm slowly dying as I do so. "Ee~nh…"

Cla- clack, cla- clack, clack clack. Yeah, just use my pieces as a ladder…

Clack. Maria does a single jump…

Click- clack, click- click, clack. Oo~h…

...I pick up my marble.

…

I slo~wly bring it forward one space.

…

As I bring my hand down, I flip it over. "Oh, rip. Dude, I'm dead…!"

Maria snorts!

...The other girls just give me trying stares…!

Vaguely intimidated, I put the marble down in the slot…

Cla- clack- cla- cla- clack. Patchy hacks the mainframe.

"Dude, what if Chinese Checkers had _lasers?_ " I propose!

...Patchy holds up a hand as Maria thinks-

 _Fwa~m!_ She fires a red beam into the airspace-

 _Fwam- fwam!_ God girl launches some blue ones into the air!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Well, that… took awhile.

Patchy sets the final piece into the spawn of god girl across the board. "There."

"My, my~..." God girl smiles at Patchy. "You've had practice, haven't you?"

"Only too much." Glancing down at her book again, Patchy sips from her third cup of cocoa.

...We never set the terms for if a _third party_ won. Help. Patchy just came along 'n' pulled an AK47 out from under her hat!

"Well, what do you desire?" The god smiles at her. "...A job, perhaps?"

"Aha. Good joke." Patchy declines. "If you could bring me some of those nil stones some curious youkai have been dropping, recently, I would be grateful."

...God girl just blinks. "That's… that's it?"

"Mmhmm." Patchy flips a page of her book. "Now, if you will…" She begins drifting off. "I'm going to go _rejuvenate_. This was enough social interaction for one day."

A~nd now we're three. Koakuma seems to have fucked off at some point, for probably obvious reasons.

...God girl looks at me expectantly, sitting in her chair neatly. Y'know what, yo…?

Reachin' into my bag… I take out my _3DS._

"He~re we are, yo…" It's the _good one_. "We're gonna play some _smash_ , yo."

God girl blinks. "...What… _is_ that device?"

"The _good one_." Yeah, I'm descriptive! "...Since you don't have one, we're gonna take turns fighting level nines or something!"

"Doing what now?" She blinks at me!

Flippin' the 3DS open, I slide up ta her. "Like this, yo…" I start showing her some things! But, first, menu navigation… "Okay, here…"

Starting up a match as Mario against a random level one, I show her how controls work. "Stick ta move, A to… _smash_ , B to be special, aa~h, jump wit' these, guard…"

"...Some outside world technology, then." She nods… "Alright, I think I've got a grasp on it."

You've watched me play for literally two sentences. Ah, whatever, she'll probably be really good at it just 'cause she's a god. Probably really damn smart!

I hand the 3DS over to her, and she starts moving Mario around 'n' attacking the air…

Hoh. I look away…

Maria looks intrigued! Probably for good reason-

A~nd, that's someone who shouldn't be here! There's a _gap_ open in the background...

...Noticing my gaze, Yukari sticks a hand out and waves at me.

I'm tempted to give her the middle finger, but I think god girl here'd get the wrong idea.

"Ah…" Speakin' of, god girl looks over at me and tilts her head to the device. "What's this?"

Wha's whah wha?

Lookin' over at her, I look at the screen…

Bowser's off being a retard since he's level one, but she's got Mario pointed at a~...

That's a _gap_. A- wh- she can just _do that_? Didn't she do that before, actually? Aw, yo. I wonder if Yukari can fight a god-controlled Mario...

God girl makes Mario move to the gap, and jump into it.

...Oh. Well. What, she gonna gap Mario outta freakin'-

 _Clack_.

"Hmm~?" Oo~h shit that's Mario's vague vocal hum.

I turn and see him lookin' around. That's freakin' him alright, too.

...Pursing her lips, god girl shut the 3DS, turning to him. "Oh, dear. I wonder how that could've happened." ...I've got a feeling she knows Yukari's antics already.

"What… just happened?" Making a pleasant expression, Maria is totally lost on what just happened.

Mario sees us, and we see him!

…

Turning around, he nears the bookshelf behind himself-

"Hoh!" -and jumps, clearing the entire height of the bookshelf and then some but not going over it.

 _Clack_. He lands, then makes a beeline over to us…

Shorter yet taller than anticipated! He's about normal human size, and seems to have vaguely adopted the shading of Gensokyo, but not by much.

"You look lost." God girl speaks to him once he approaches her. "Welcome to Gensokyo, outsider."

Mario just blinks at her.

"...If you wish to know more, I'd ask around. I'm in little position to give you a tour right now." God girl smiles at him, then gives him a nod. "I doubt you'll see more of me after today. But, who knows?"

…

"Hoo~!" Mario does a short jump over her-

 _Ti~ng!_ God girl shields herself with her arm, which in turn makes a temporary flash of magic to reverse his momentum. "Don't do that."

Clack. Landing on the carpet again, Mario runs about in a few three-sixties, before running over to me.

"Hello, friend." I greet the plumber…! "It's a fluff nugget kinda day."

...Nodding at that-

"Hoh!" He jumps-

 _Clack!_ -and lands on the table, before doing three-sixties on it, too.

"He's… energetic." Maria's not sure what to say, and neither am I…! Yukari seemingly teleported some variant of Mario into reality…!

"...I suppose I must be going." God girl gets up and prepares to leave us with freakin' _Mario_. "It's been a pleasure, but I have some… errands to attend to. You two do whatever it is you do, though. I wouldn't recommend going outside too often, tomorrow. Well, unless you love nature, of course."

"Wh- what's that supposed to mean…!?" Taken aback by the implications, Maria gets on the offensive again! "...I- I know what I say doesn't mean much, but don't break anything, please?"

"Hehehe~..." The god giggles at her. "Worry not. I don't intend to cause harm. Just, stir the pot a little, so to speak…"

"Hoo~!" Mario jumps at her again-

 _Ti~ng!_ She reflects his momentum again, not even bothering to comment on it this time as she begins to float off…

…

"Well…" Maria stands up, and stretches… "Nnn~. What now…?"

...I look over at Mario, then at her.

To be honest, I have no real inclination to go anywhere! All the heroines are drunk-... wait.

All the heroines are drunk, which means Sakuya's not here. If Sakuya's not here, there's no one to get angry at me mining the walls…!

"Al~right, I got our plan!" It is time to inform the friends of the plan! "We are going to go _mine for ores_."

...Maria blinks. "Um… I- I don't really do that sort of thing. I mean-"

"Abebadaboobadababadaboo?" ...What did you just fucking call me, Mario?

"You say what now?" Mario, I can't understand freakin' non-existent pseudo-Italian. Whatever the hell you're saying seems to slip past Yukari's word warrior barrier as well.

"Hmm~...?" Mario seems to recognize that I can't understand him, but just rubs his chin in response.

...From the side of Mario's head that Maria can't see, a small gap opens in the air, and Yukari whispers _something_ out to him.

"Woah!?" That's kinda a disproportionate 'woah' for barely turning your head…!

The gap closes.

...Mario looks over at me, before clearing his throat. "I- ah- I was 'a told to 'a speak slower…" Ho~ly _shit_ he talks.

"Aah, you can speak…" Blinking, Maria seems surprised, too. "Who're you?"

Jerking his head back, Mario seems surprised for a moment, before shaking it off. "I should 'a expect that question, by now. It'sa me, Mario!" He does a small jump to accent his point!

"...Hi, Mario." Maria gives him a casual greeting.

He looks over at me…

Gettin' up from my chair, I point a thumb at my chest! "...I'm fluffy, dude."

"He's Brad." Maria amends dryly.

"Nice 'a to meet you!" He tips his hat to us! "...Do 'a any of you know where we are?"

"A~ table." I gesture to the table.

He blinks.

In an effort to be more useful than me, Maria speaks! "Um, the Scarlet Devil Mansion…?"

"A _mansion?_ " Mario looks around at the dim airspace above the shelves a little more receptively. "Just what I 'a needed. Teleported to a ghost house…!"

Aw, the scarlet devil _ghost house_ dude.

"...What 'a world is this?" Mario looks around… "Oh! Do 'a any of you know the Mushroom Kingdom?"

I nod! "Yeah, yo!"

"Hoh!" Mario does a short leap! "Do you 'a know how to get there!?"

"Nope." I give him a compromising smile.

...He does a lil slouch. "Oo~h. Well, ah… any of 'a you seen a warp pipe?"

Gonna be brutally honest! "Do~n't think they exist here!"

...After blinkin' summore, Mario shakes his head, bringin' a hand to his chin again. "I'm sure there's 'a some way…"

Well, while you consider that…! "Me 'n' Maria are gonna do some _dungeoneering_ , yo. We're gonna delve deeper inta' this mansion, and we're gonna… we're gonna grab coins!" Ho ho!

"Is that 'a so…" Mario nods at that idea…! "I should 'a go with you. These houses aren't 'a made for people like 'a you and me." You can say that again…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After being lost in the shelves for a few moments, I stop us in a hallway immediately outside the library…

"Yo, hold up!" I hold up the friends! "... _Yo_."

I near a wall menacingly as the two slow to a stop behind me…

Takin' Hard Winter from my bag, I charge it with energy and in turn charge my muscles! "We're goin' _minin',_ yo. Wall minin'!

"...So that's what you meant." Maria looks pensive about this… "Brad, I- I wouldn't. Scarlet, she'd-"

"What Remi _dunno_ dude, is what Sakuya _dunno_. And, nearly twenty four hours 'a day, Sakuya's patrolling these halls like a freakin' worker bee. But, _today…_ "

...Maria blinked. "She's drunk and recuperating at the shrine." Wahaha!

 _Bam!_ I hit the wall!

"Ho ho…!" Mario recoils from the sound! "...Oo~h. Some walls are 'a destructible…!" Some? They're _all_ destructible, son.

Bam, bam, _bam!_ Mini~ng!

 _Ba- crack!_ After some strokes, I cleave a small hole into the wall!

...A~nd _bam!_ Hoo~h… _bam!_

 _Crack!_ The~re we go. Some more good strikes and there's a proper hole, big enough for me to crawl through _I think_. And, if it fits me, it'll probably fit Maria… and I'm sure Mario'll pull some weird shit off or something.

Cla- clack. Throwing the hanger through, I dive in. "Hoo~p!"

 _Thud_. Sliding through the uneven-ass hole- not to be confused with an uneven _asshole_ \- I land on my arms on the inside. "Oo~f…"

"Oh…" Mapleweather! Hi, Mapleweather! "It's _you_. No wonder."

"Hehehe~y! I'm crawlin' through the wall to take yer _stuff!_ " I inform her of my intent! "Gimme gimme gimme!" I begin flailing my arms at the carpet…!

"Well, it's not my room, so~..." She just kinda looks away.

This red-haired fairy with stockings and _just her undergarments_ , for some reason, gets up. "Bo- boy…!"

Thrustin' my legs through, I- oh shit!

Thud. I land on my back. Ooo~...

"Aa- aaa~h…!" A short, poofy fairy girl with long purple hair _and_ long twin tails fluffs up…! "...Ge- get~t ou~t…!" Wow. For yelling, her voice is very soft and fluffy…

I get up as Maria starts to climb through. "Yo ho ho~..."

It is one of many generic fairy maid bedrooms! And these-

"Raa~h…!" The poofy, lavender-haired fairy maid sprints over to me at walking speed, and starts pattering her fists against my shoulders. "Nnha~h…!"

Wow. She's cuddly…

Maria barely gets through onto her legs. "Wo- woah…"

...Mario seems to have jumped and crouched at the same time, getting himself stuck exactly in the small hole I made-

 _Bam- bam- bam- bam!_ He starts jumping rapidly while stuck inside, wiggling his way out…!

The red-haired, ponytailed fairy maid stomps up to us, but doesn't seem to know what to do…!

Hmm~. Mining through walls is gonna be cumbersome if it takes me half my stamina to tear into one…

Slipping away Hard Winter, I take out the Bawmber. Ignoring the fluffy maids, I go to the other end of the room. "Yo, Maria, help me blow up this wall!" We're gonna dig until we find something interesting! That, or inadvertently find Remilia's room and blow the whole operation.

"Wh-... what?" Lavender fluffy maid half-deflates, before fluffing up again! "You're… no, don't!"

"Why not, yo, why not?" I shake my hanger at her! "We're lookin' for _credits, dude._ "

Maria steps into the room uncertainly. "Uu~m. Why're you- aah!" The red-haired fairy runs up to her and gets in her face!

"What're you doing in _our_ room?" The fairy looms down over her, ignoring me entirely.

...Once he's inside, Mario seemingly ignores the fluffy girls and runs up to a nearby drawer-

"Hya!" He throws his fist forward-

 _Bam!_ A drawer flies out on hit-

Clack. It's just full of panties.

 _Bam!_ He hits it again with his other fist, causing another drawer to slide out-

Clack. Maid outfits!

 _Bam!_ He hits it once more-

Di~ng! A coin materializes above his head, before vanishing. The final drawer slides out, empty except for some socks and things. What the frik.

...Lumbering up to the fairy who's givin' Maria a hard time, I grin at her. "Hi."

The fairy looks over at me. "...What's up?"

"You, son." I wave my hanger about! "I'm gonna blow up the wall, and no one's gonna stop me…!"

"Sto- stop…" The fluffy maid stumbles towards me, winded… "Please…"

...I turn to her. Freakin'-

As she nears me, she protrudes upon my personal space and leans into me. Oh, good.

"You can't hurt me…" She presses her form into mine. "I'm lovable."

Wat.

...Bringing my arms up, I try to push her-

They stop short, instead rolling past her and wrapping around her.

She hugs onto me. "I love you…"

"Uh- hey, Maria…" I stumble back, getting snuggled by the petite fairy. "I'm being mind controlled or something help."

"What…?" Maria blinks at the fairy, bringing up her staff… "Fi- ah…"

Parting from me, the girl wraps herself around Maria nimbly, hugging her instead. "Do- don't. I love you…!"

...Maria lets go of her staff, hugging the fairy. "I- I…" Freakin'...!

...I bring my arm up, slowly regaining the ability to oppose her! "Now you done incurred my _wrath,_ son." Raising the Bawmber-

Springing off of Maria, the fairy clings to me again. "You don't ha- have to. Let's- let's… be friends."

...Under her gaze, I drop the bomb hanger-

 _Boom!_

 _Pi~chun!_ The gamble worked! My legs kinda hurt, but it was worth it!

"Yo ho ho~!" Stumbling back, I look around…!

The scantily-clad fairy maid just kinda steps back, facepalming… "Uu~gh…"

Moving the back wall, I point at it! "Daa~h…"

Sliding Hard Winter back out jankily- freakin'... there we go! I get it out a~nd uneasily slam it into the floor-

Kring! A half-person-sized spike of ice formed in the wall! At the expense of a good portion of my mana…!

Droppin' Hard Winter and pocketing the Bawmber- 'cause on second thought I don't think I need it- I take out Flame Salvo. "Yo, Maria, we're gonna make that ice explode!"

"Ah…" She blinks. "Okay…"

Crea~k! Mario jumps on the bed repeatedly, messing it up…

Mapleweather jumps up off of it. "Gee~z…" Looking over at me, she smirks. "You got any beer in that bag 'a yours?"

I should've stolen some from Matt's bar so I could barter with the fairy people… "Nah, yo. Sorry, friend."

"Aah. S'okay." She looks back at Mario jumping on the bed like a lunatic…

 _Bam- bam- bam!_ He's hitting his head on the ceiling repeatedly, too…!

Magic friend takes Flame Salvo from me, and aims it at the ice…

 _Fwoo~m!_ Heat bea~m!

...It starts to melt instead of explode. Freakin'- s'my ice not cold enough…!? We need more heat!

"Red fairy whatever, use your fire magic!" Help! "Mario- you know how to cast magic!?"

"Use- cast 'a _what?_ " Freakin'- you use fire magic every time you use a fire flower! How do you not know magic!?

"I'm a _revenge_ fairy, not a _fire fairy_!" Revenge fairy barks at us!

"Just help us out, yo…!" Use your revenge energy or whatever, then…!

Reluctantly, she comes up and lays her hands on the edges of the hanger too-

 _Fwam!_ Sudden surge of power compared to my contribution-

 _Boom!_ Ice explosion!

Maria cuts power to the hanger-

 _Choo~m!_ An additional, red projectile is fired from it before the fairy lets go-

 _Fwam!_ It scuffs the intact portion of the wall it struck.

"Aah…" She lets go of the hanger. "That felt good…"

Do~n't get used to it! Marching forward, I enter the next room…

This room's got a single, blue-haired maid in a bed, sound asleep. A maid with black hair is sitting across from her on a little wooden chair, staring at us like we blew up a wall or something.

Fuck it, yo, fuck it! Putting away my handheld flamethrower, I take out the Bawmber and Hard Winter, buff up, put up, shut up and enh enh- etcetera!

Running forward, I ready to assault the wall. "Get outta the way, yo, get out the wa-"

 _Boom!_ Oo~h!

 _Bam!_ _Bastard_ damage, son.

 _Boom!_ Oww~.

 _Crack!_ Great progress made-

 _Boom_. Fuck, ow, ow, too much…

Stumbling back, I fall onto my ass, the blast damage getting to me-

 _Boom_. The hanger explodes off to the side as I fall onto my back. Oof…

...Maria steps up to me, and stares down. "Um… are… are you okay? Brad?"

I give 'er a thumbs up…!

"...Are you _okay_ okay?" She asks the real question…

...I give 'er a thumbs down. Oof…

...While I'm down, Maria steps past me, and begins to lift up Hard Winter… "Nn~h." Oh, hey.

"It- it has a self buff." I inform her from the floor. "Go, yo…"

...As Maria experiments, Mario walks in with the empty drawer from before, and-

 _Bam!_ -tosses it into the wall like a block, shattering it and smashing a small hole in the wall.

Running back, he seems to wind up for a running start, before running up to the low hole he made-

-and sliding through it after crouching. Freakin', fancy shmancy, huh…

...Taking Hard Winter with her, Maria moves to the hole and crouches down to crawl through it.

...As I get up, I look over at the black-haired fairy we disturbed!

She's just blinking at me.

"Hi, friend." I greet her.

"Please leave." Sure…

"Have a good one, yo." I give her a cordial parting as I crawl through a tiny hole out of her room...

I also put the bomb hanger away 'cause _fu~ck_ that, for now!

Next room on the red room rondo…!

There's two beds together, but they're empty.

"Nn~h…" There's a tall, white-haired fairy with short, bobby hair. Like, tall. Taller than _me_. "Oh. Someone broke our wall aga~in…"

"Wasn't _me~!_ " A voice came out from under the bed…!

A girl with short, red hair crawled out, before getting onto her legs… a~nd she's also like fucking seven feet tall. What is this…!?

"...You girls're tall!" I comment on their height while Mario just silently runs around like the stoic thief he is.

"You're pretty tall, too." The one on the left smiles at me. "You're a human, aren't you…?"

Hoh. "Yeah, yo. Now, if ya don't mind, I wanna blow up your other wall!"

"Oh, I can help you with that…" The tall, white-haired fairy moves to the wall, and places her hand on the cabinet there… "Nine-chan, help me move this cabinet…"

Nine-chan, huh. S'weird name… and she don't _look_ like a Cirno...

"Eleven-cha~n…" Nine-chan marches up to help her… "You need to drink more milk. You need more iron…"

"Milk's calcium, I think…" Eleven-chan starts to push the cabinet…

...So they're… nine and eleven. Nine eleven fairies helping me blow up a wall. What the fu-

Crea~k. The door to the room opens, and a brown-haired fairy walks in, followed by~... yo! Brittany follows her in!

Ah, s'that fairy named seven. Seven, nine, and eleven! Where'd, uh, eight and ten go?

"...Woah." Brittany looks around. "We miss something?"

"Yes." I nod at her, pointing at the wall where Nine and Eleven are pushing the cabinet. "I'm about to nine-eleven this wall over here with Nine and Eleven."

...Nodding, I point at the corner of the room, where Mario's trying to crawl under a desk. "Also, there's Mario."

Brittany looks over at him.

…

"Wah- what the _fuck._ " Wahaha!

So…

Me and a timid mage… and _Super Mario_ are getting the help of Nine and Eleven to nine-eleven a wall in a vampire's mansion while crossdressing feminized me from another dimension walks in on the scene.

Gensokyo's… Gensokyo's kinda fucking weird, dude…!

With the cabinet out of the way, Eleven mounts her arms to the wall. "Ready when you are…!"

"Wh- why're we doing this again…?" Nine blinks as she mounts her arms to the wall, too.

"To help our guests!" With that, Eleven starts to glow-

 _KABOOM_

Jesus Christ! Woa~h…!

...As the smoke fades, I see that they've not only annihilated the back wall, they left a hole in the floor.

Sprintin' forward despite my discomfort, I dart through the smoke and across the edges of the floor, and get into the next room…!

Running into the room, I look around frantically once I get out of the smoke-

Oh, hey, Nine and Eleven survived, they just blew themselves into here. So… Nine and Eleven are _bomb elemental_. Yukari- who in the nine fucks…

...I look to the right-

Oh, that's Remilia's bed. And that's Remilia, sitting up in her bed! We blew a hole… right into the wall adjacent to her bed.

Oh.

...I just kinda stare at her, and she stares at me!

...Sighing, she flops back into her bed.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"So…" Awake and dressed, Remilia looms over us all…!

"Nine and Eleven." Remilia glowers at the bomb fairies. "...When a stranger requests to _detonate our property_ , do not listen."

"Sorry~..." They bow before her, apologizing in monotone.

Next, she steps up to me… "Brad, if you wanted a challenge, there's a _myriad_ of puzzling challenges and perils I've left for meandering morons such as yourself. Ones that _don't_ include superimposing yourself into the mansion's _walls._ "

"Oh, yeah, that reminds me…!" Funny story! "I dropped by this mansion wit' a god earlier! We played Chinese Checkers, and looked at that weird ass block puzzle you had in the backyard."

"Oh? Did you solve it?" Remilia blinks curiously…

"Di~dn't even start. Girl didn't wanna help us…" Help, no.

"Ah. Pity." Remilia dismissed the notion, before stepping over to Maria. "... _You._ "

"I- I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" Maria bows her head repeatedly. "Ve- very sorry. Um…"

...She looks up to see Remilia grinning down at her.

"Is that so…?" Leisurely, the vampire loomed over the mage girl… "You know, we _do_ have a vacancy in our staff, as of recent…"

"Nope!" I scoot on the floor to get closer to Maria…!

...The two girls just glance over at me.

"There a~re no vacancies, yo." I insist! "...An' if there were, it'd be a _joint venture,_ yo."

...Remilia meets my eyes, smirking. "Is she important to you, then? My word, are you someone… with a _family_ , perhaps? Fufufu~!"

I shake my head. "This is a girl from simple means with a simple heart, yo! You will not get her without a long, drawn out and relatively pathetic fight on my part!"

...Hands on her hips, Remilia shifts her posture. "She has to repay me for your stupidity _somehow,_ since obviously you are incapable of even being debted without that going wrong somehow." ...Smiling again, she steps back towards me. "Tell me. What is she, to you?"

Oo~h, let's see. A friend… should I say blood relative or no? Would it matter? Oh- wait, that reminds me…

"She's Marisa's niece're something." I give Remilia a wide grin. "Why don'cha talk wit' her?"

...Remilia blinks. "...Say that again?"

"She's Marisa's niece, I think." I repeat more simply…!

"...You're not lying, then." Remilia gives me a dour stare. "Of all the luck. One does not so simply go a day without being annoyed by the black-white, no no no…"

As she steps off, ignoring Maria now, I speak up! "But, yo, I can still repay ya!"

...Remilia just turns to me with a look of self-actualization. "Enlighten me."

I give her a big, toothy grin. "They call me doctor _dynamite superteeth, son._ I can give ya a dental checkup…!"

"No- that's quite enough." Wahaha! "I'm sure I may simply ask Sakuya to sodomize the staff when she gets back. I'm sure she'll be in the _perfect_ mood for it, too."

"We are sorry~. Honest, and for truly…" Eleven reinforces her bow.

Nine just kinda wistfully sighs. Uh…?

"...Now, then." Remilia turns to the tubby italian man jumping on her tea table. "Who the _hell_ are _you?_ "

 _Clack_. Landing, Mario looks over at her…

"Speak." Remilia glowers at him.

Doin' a short hop off, Mario walks up… "Ah- abebedede- boobadabadabebada!"

...Remilia's brow twitches. "Wh-... wha…? Whah?"

Clearing his throat, Mario tries again. "Ah- 'a sorry, 'a sorry. I 'a thought this was one 'a them 'a ghost houses, so I 'a followed those two."

"Italian…" Remilia smirks. "Quite a strange place for such a language. And, no, if you wanted a legitimate _ghost house_ , you'd go west more, if you set out from the shrine. Who even let you in here?" Sounds like she's talkin' about the Prismriver's place!

"Aah- I was 'a on my way for some cake and ice cream at the castle, but 'a this portal opened, so I 'a jumped in to investigate!" Midway through his sentence, he brought up his hands to gesticulate a bunch.

Say whah? Wasn't he from Smash? Or, did Yukari actually get this Mario from some freakin' alternate reality? What the frik…

"...That's nice." Remilia wasn't sure what to make of that. "Well, leave and don't come back. Stop jumping on my maids and furniture, too, if you would kindly. The floor is made for walking."

"Yukari gapped him in." I reveal!

" _Intrusive hag_." Remilia spits out an insult! "Of course. Be that as it may, three rooms of fairy quarters damaged is only a minor setback. What's more pressing is this _wall_ of _mine_ …" Sighing, she holds a hand to her chin. "I'll have to contact Meiling. Sakuya will be in no condition for construction repairs for a day or so…"

...Looking over us, she waved her hand. "Shoo, shoo. Go about your things, as long as they don't involve property damage on my premise. Except for you, Nine and Eleven. Stay."

"Aww~h…" The fairies whine.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Outside the great voompire room, me 'n' Maria are back in the halls once more…

Immediately, Brittany convenes on us, having kept herself carefully outside the premise at that time. "He~y, you."

"Hello, noob." I greet… her? Him? Oo~f. "The sun is angry at you, son."

"Ah- yeah, let it be." She waves off my warning…!

...Mario begins to run down the hall without me 'n' Maria. Have fun!

"I had this made for you." Brittany reaches down into her cleavageless top and pulls out a fuckin' doohickey. "It'd kinda suck if you never had this experience, so, here."

I accept the emerald and brass key. It has adornments of leaves etched onto it, as well as some scrawls in some fuckin' weird language.

"Oo~h…" I marvel at it. "...'M I s'post' ta~, shove it up my ass're somethin'?"

"Yes." Dryly, Brittany steps back, propping her arms on her hips… "Fly above Youkai Mountain, northwest from Bhava-Agra- pretend the tip's _north_ \- and east of the gates of Hakugyokurou. Find the flower, and hold out that key."

She gave me the keys to the bus, du~de! "...You tellin' me Game Genie codes?"

"No. Well, yes- no. Just, do that when you get a chance to." Shakin' her head, Brittany turns away 'n' begins walking off... "You'll like it, I think. See ya- got a hot date I gotta make it to, and, y'know yeah..." Run, yo, run!

Aw. This here's _rea~lly_ neat.

…I put away the fancy key. "Well, that happened!" I wanted to make a joke about her hitting on me, but it slid. Oh, well.

"...Her name was Brittany, right?" Maria watches her meander off.

I nod. "Ye." Let's see~. Where should we head next…

"She looks a little like you." Maria makes _the_ observation.

"Aw, gee, I wonder why…" It'd be a bit of a waste to leave the mansion after stopping by for just a couple games 'n' stuff, so we could go socialize with the fairy folk for awhile or something… "We should go meet some of the fairies and wander the halls, yo."

...At that, Maria looks around a little and nods. "Sure. I feel… like there's more to this place, than what we're seeing, but I can't put my finger on it…"

Hoh.

Walking away from Remilia's room, I march into the scarlet halls, with Maria behind me!

Back to the arcadic roots, dude. Me, some hangers, the optional friend and endless hallways of adventure and malnourishment!

...After we walk forward enough and take some weird turns, we reach the populated halls. Fairy folk, dude.

Everyone's really excited and talkative right now, so I can't make out anything…!

"I hear- I hear Mistress is going to open a cake… cake _bureau_. Sana-chan, what's a cake bureau- I mean bureau?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!" Chill, yo…!

"I want more _stuff…!_ "

"Dial-chan- Dial-chan- look at what I made!"

"Wow- that's amazing, wow!"

What the hell's everyone even talking about…!?

I look over at Maria, to see her intimidated by the wealth of fairies!

...From the hyper horde, a platinum-haired one runs up to me, and smiles widely. "Oh- hey, it's you, that human person…!"

"Hi~?" I wave at he~r…?

"Yeah, hi, hey…!" She freakin' jumps in place, getting all hyper…

The fairies are really freakin' uppity looking today…! Who won the lottery!?

"Let's jump up super high!" Some yellow-haired fairy crouches-

 _Bam!_ She jumps up into the ceiling, embeds herself in it, but doesn't explode and die. Um…?

...For some reason, I smell a mix of nice perfume, too. Aw, good smelling fairies.

"Um…" Slowly, Maria begins speaking with her. "Why're you all so worked up?"

"I- I don't kno~w…!" Hopping in place, the white-haired fairy got even closer to us…! "I like you guys!"

"...Thanks?" Maria takes a few cautious steps back-

The fairy hugs onto her. "You're so cu~te!"

"A- ah…" Maria tenses up, before relaxing into the hug. "Th- thank you…"

...After a moment of hugging, the fairy reels her head back and suddenly kisses her!

"Mmm- mmh!?" Maria struggles against it, dropping her staff as she does so…!

"Yo- yo, whaddaya doin'...!?" Intervening, I put my arms between the fairy and her. "Waz good, fae!?"

"Mwah!" The fairy breaks her kiss. "Hehehe~! I- I feel so _goo~d!_ "

"Get- get off…!" Maria starts to punch her in the stomach, to little avail…!

Takin' out my tried and true Fairy Harp, I aim it at her! "Girl- you recognize this? You recognize this, girl…!?"

The platinum-haired fairy locks eyes with the hanger, before smiling at me. "I- I can take on the _wo~rld!_ " Parting from Maria, she brings her arms up and nears me-

 _Whack!_ I slide up 'n' clonk 'er! Freakin'...

"Onh…" Clutching her jaw, she stumbles back, before smiling. "Hey, _hey!_ "

 _Fwa~sh!_

Dazzling light blooms forth from her hands, before flickering out.

"Ah- ah…!" Hastily and clumsily grabbing her staff, Maria runs up to me and a little behind. "Our- our magic… sh- she just syphoned us!"

Woah, what? Holy fairies!? I try to channel through Fairy Harp, a~nd, nothing! Oof…

The fairy rushes towards me with her arms outstretched. "Hehehe~-"

 _Whack!_ I hit 'er in the jaw, again! "Son- syphon doesn't stop me from beatin' ya freakin' head in…!"

"Nn~gh…" Recoiling, she crouches down-

Oof! She tackles into my stomach, and- woah woah woah what the fuck, where's this strength of hers coming from…!?

I'm slowly pushed down into the emptier portion of the hallway, the fairy freakin' hauling ass, her shoes pounding the carpet as she tries to sprint with her forehead in my gut-

 _Thunk, thunk!_ I hit 'er in the spine a bit!

"Nngh…" After a moment, she relents-

Thud. A~nd, I'm on my ass.

...Maria comes up from behind the fairy with a medium lookin' vase-

 _Cra~ck!_ -and shatters it on her head.

"Oh- oh…" The fairy girl holds her head… "Ehehe~! My- my head's cu~t, my head's cu~t…" That's not something to chant about…!

That's it, yo. Time to tank it out…!

Takin' out Hard Winter, I ge~t up onto my legs…

"Aah…!" The fairy grapples Maria into a hug, again! "Br- Brad!"

I reel the big ass hanger back…! "Ho, _hoo~!_ "

A~nd the long haired fairy lunges for Maria's lips again. "Mmgh- mmm, mnn~...!" Maria tosses and turns her head, wincing an eye shut as the fairy aggressively tries to work into her mouth- "Mghk- nn…"

 _Clonk!_ Hanger to the back of the hea~d, yeah!

The fairy is dislodged from the mage's face, teeth clamped down and tongue… out.

...Letting go and stumbling to the side, the fairy holds open her mouth. "I- I… I- ih- i- onh…" Wow.

Dejected, she limps off, holding her mouth. "Nnh- ahanh…" Aww... she started to cry, too. Freakin'... s'a lose-lose situation.

...Blushing, Maria wipes her lips. "She-... aah…"

I turn to her. "Stole yer first kiss?"

"...No, actually." Maria shakes her head. "Still… she- she tasted like milk."

Al~rightie then!

...Looking back at the hyper fairy horde, I start to step back…! "Let's, uh, get outta here before those fairies get the bright idea to gang up on us…!"

"Oh- yeah, yeah!" Maria just realized that could happen, too! "Run!" S'not that urgent though, I don't think…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 72

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Robot Demolisher, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Factory Disassembler, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Has Forgotten What Half of These Titles Stood For, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Hard Winter - A earth/ice-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice! Allows the user to cast Ice Shard. Extends combo length by one artificially. Allows the user to jump out out of combos smoothly, and leave frost in their trail.

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I _would_ like to know where it actually _puts_ all my stuff though…

==o==

WEAPONS:

Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! It better, with a name like 'Swordbreaker'. Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! May cast Flash, an attack that blinds; works best on darkness elementals and youkai. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can cast Gust. By the addition of a steel block, its attack and magic attack increased slightly. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites stuff on impact. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle, allowing the user to cast Flamethrower Plus! Allows the user to cast Fume.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Can produce limitless fresh water. Boosts the power of water skills. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style; physical attack increased, physical defense lowered. User bleeds out faster. Can cast Revenge, an attack that increases in power the lower the user's health is. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to let it cut!

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Lowers defense slightly. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger is slightly electric and holy elemental. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy…

==o==

ARMOR:

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Seventy-five percent time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!

Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means _business, son_. _One hundred percent_ ice resistance, and as such renders me immune to all magical ice damage. Dunno 'bout icicles and stuff, though. Fifty percent freeze resistance… not that freezing will hurt me with this thing on. Fifty percent dark resistance. Negative fifty percent fire and burning resistance. Hopefully hides me a bit when navigating in the freakin' brush...

Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! Fifty percent sun resistance, one hundred percent freezing and blinding resistance. Also gives immunity to electrical stunning. It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.

Lunarian Prototype Space Suit - A suit meant for combat in deep space. So far, it's only got the whole 'exist in deep space' part down…! _One hundred percent_ electric resistant. One hundred percent freezing resistant. Has an oxygen tank, but that's only useful if you wear the helmet to go along with it. Randomly casts Zero Gravity when it feels like it.

Lunarian Prototype Deep Space Helmet - It's a freakin' helmet. Fifty percent blinding resistant! When worn with the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit, it also confers immunity to burning and poison, along with _another_ one hundred percent electricity resistance. Yo…!

Testing Oxygen Tank - The oxygen tank used by the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit. Lasts for two and a half minutes! Not meant to actually be used outside of testing, but it's possible. Refills automatically in breathable air.

MP Prize Pin - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field. For awhile only the user(s) of this badge may pick them up, but after a grace period anyone can. Extends prize grabbing range!

Sun Badge - Fifteen percent sun resistance when equipped. Fifty percent resistance to blinding and electrical stunning. Replaces the on-impact effect of all weapons with Sunfire Flare when worn.

==o==

CONSUMABLES/OTHER:

Forty-one thousand, two hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!

Five Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Mega Potion - Youkai-like regen for thirty seconds… except for the whole family! Applies to entire party. Good for when we all suck at life!

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Three Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on _debuffs_ , though...

Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Rope of Red Bikinis - Wahaha! Gonna getcha, son!

Sacred Eagle Feather - A gift from a rambler. It's… sentimental, I think? Help.

Some Fancy Key - A key lent to me by Brittany. Wha- why. What's it for…!?

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I _really_ have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

==o==

Hana, the Electric Fairy Maid - A cuddleable fairy who's stalked me for awhile. She's lovable, dude. Healed by electrical damage! Casts tiny bolts of electricity as her attack these days…

PRIMARY WEAPON: Zap!

INVENTORY:

 _Probably_ rocks - Yeah.

Winter Mittens - Aww. Keeps hands from freezing.

Winter Coat - Where does she store this when it's not on…?

[unknown space remaining]

==o==

Maria, the Actually Ordinary Magician - A villager from the human village. Used to run the most impoverished bar ever, but that fell under or something. Really low self-esteem! No known resistances or weaknesses. Can cast basic elemental spells!

INVENTORY:

Wood Staff - Good for bonking things!

Raggedy Clothing - Low quality, old clothes from the village. Keeps her covered.

[Travel Bag] - Inventory that exists! Does not take up inventory because it is inventory. Eight slots.

Two Mana Potions - Guess wha~t? It heals, except mana!

[six spaces remaining]

==o==

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

wahaha

dragging maria around after i made her homeless - w - technically, anyway; marcus'd probably house her

and things are building up for the next incident…! if you could tell who that god was, you know what's coming up, too!

exploration and things - w -

oh yeah mario was in this chapter; we'll see a LITTLE MORE OF HIM LATER but don't expect me to make a mainstay of the dude or anything - w -

i didn't really know how to approach writing him so i just winged it!

sakuya's going to have a fun time when she gets back

also brittany just gave me the keys to _CANDIED ISLAND_ \- i dunno where but somewhere fun yo (or unfun depending on brittany's definition of fun)

not entirely a memorable chapter but it was fun - w -

okay after some inspection maybe it is memorable . w '

actually after reproofing it it IS pretty fun o w o

as always, see you all next time!


	92. Brad and Co In: FAIRY FRIKMANIA SON WAA

(in which EXPLOSIVE VIOLENCE | GENSOKYO DAY TIME)

...Me 'n' Maria, after the day was all said 'n' done, found a room in the mansion wit' two beds, kicked the denizens out and _slept_. I'm sawing logs right now, dude…

…

Well, was. Is it morning yet…? These fairy rooms slash guest rooms don't have windows...

Cre- creak. I just heard Ha-chan hop into the bed with me, yo. Or, is it morning…? It feels like morning to me, actually. Mostly 'cause I'm rested-

Bam- thud, thud! Our door's being assaulted!

Well, it's morning for me _now_. Freakin'...

Still, even if they get through, I set up London to take care of things. Ha-chan's exempt 'cause she's _cuddly-_

Bam- Patatatatat! Doll sentry London in attack mode!

Ah- wah, woah. Ha-chan threw an arm around me aggressively, having slipped beneath the covers-

Rolling me around, she clings to me. "Brad-ku~n. C'mere…" Freakin'- is now really the time for-

Some maid runs into the room, her heels clacking! Bad move, noo~b. Bad-

 _Cla~ng!_ London's hit by _something_.

"Nn~h…" Maria starts to stir. "Wh- what's…"

 _Bam!_ Cla- clang! Is London having a hard time? What the frik-

"Ah- mmm…" Ha-chan pulls me into a kiss…!? Well, that's fun and all-

 _Fwam- Clank!_ Thu- thu- thud. London's dead…!?

Al~right, now I'm awake! Sitting up-

Ha-chan pulls me back down, reinforcing the kiss. "Mmrm…!" Angry moan! Also, when was she this strong…!? I push against her stomach with my arms, but _somehow_ she's just _stronger_.

A~nd that's something against my lips- Maria wake up! Wake u~p yo...!

"Wh- what's going…!?" She's awake! Can't see what's going on 'cause asshole blanket but-

" _Aa~h!_ " Maria, I swear, if you get knocked the fuck out in like ten seconds- "Bli- _Blizzard!_ "

 _Fwash!_ Someone gets a face full of ice, I hope…!

"Ah- _bitch…_ " Angry fairy… and also not dead fairy.

A~nd wham! I hit Ha-chan in the gut with my arm to try and get the message through-

Thrusting forward unnaturally- probably _flight hacks_ \- she rolls me onto my back. "I- I _love you_ , Brad-kun…" Securing her position, she leers down at me. You know, I _think_ something's wrong…!

Like this I can kinda lean out of the blanket and see what's up…

Maria's standing on her bed, waving a half-frozen pillow around. A tall red-haired fairy maid, a small grey-haired one, and short, black bobby-haired one are crawling onto the bed after her.

I reach my hand into my bag! Good thing I just freakin' flopped into this bed the other night-

Ha-chan grabs my arm once it's inside, and secures it with just _one_ hold-

 _Zap- zap!_ What the fuck- ow, ow…! Electricity's running up my arm- holy shit…! You know, I was on the fence before, but I'm not about that _electrocution_ life…!

"Mm- nh…" Lunging forward, she tries to kiss me and invade my mouth again-

 _Clonk_. My head hits the backboard. Fu~ck…

 _Fwash! Fwam!_ Magic happens, but I'm not really paying attention where…!

" _Thunder!_ " Maria that might actually be a bad idea-

 _Zap- zap- zap- zap!_ Electric bolts strike down, hitting fairies!

" _Ebababa~!_ " Someone didn't take that well…!

"Nnh…" One fairy seemed just displaced by it.

One bolt strikes Ha-chan-

My limbs vibrate from the uneven jolts of electricity that roll into me nearly instantly.

Ahaha~ that hurts holy _fuck!_ You know what, that's fucking it…

I open my mouth, allowing Ha-chan to thrust her tongue inside. "Mmh!" Greedily, she takes the opportunity-

-and I bite down!

" _Nnn~!?_ " Wahaha-

 _ZAP_

O- oh, shit, ow… at least Ha-chan got off-

" _Fire!_ " Maria casts-

 _Fwam!_ "Ugh…" Some fairy grunts, I dunno who. Why're the fairies not _dying_ …

I try to move, but my limbs are locked up. Am- am I stunned…? Holy crap.

"That was _mea~n!_ " Ha-chan presses up against me again, bringing her face close to mine. "I- I just wanna be _close_ to you…"

As she presses herself against me-

 _zap zap_.A faint aura of static starts to roll over us and the nearby scattered covers…

Closing her eyes, Ha-chan leans in for a kiss again…

I turn my head. "Fr- freakin', why…?"

"Mmh…" She kisses my cheek anyway, before bringing an arm up and grasping my head, forcing it to adjust to face her. "Thi- this is what lovers _do_. We're lovers, right, Brad-kun…?"

When'd you know those terms…!? What is anything anymore!?

 _Fwoa~sh!_ Who the hell's letting off hyper beams-

" _Aaa~h!_ " Fight, Maria! Do the Mario! Man, we should've fucking stuck with Mario…

Cre- creak-

 _Bam_. They broke the opposite bed. What the fuck.

Leaning down to my face, Ha-chan gets ready to kiss again, before just hanging there, relenting…

Bringing her other hand up-

Ow. She yanks my jaw open-

 _zap, zap_. "Hehehe~!" She giggles, taking her hand off as more concentrated static runs across my jaw. A~nd I can't move it, good. Stun's the cheapest status ever.

"No, no, _no!_ " Maria's upset…!

 _Zap! Pi~chun!_ Holy shit, she actually killed one…

Thu- thud. "So fucking _cute!_ " Thudding noises…!

Leaning forward, Ha-chan connects with my face, her tongue exploring my mouth unimpeded.

...Well. This is a thing that's happening, now. She doesn't have morning breath, so she must've been up…

How do you describe this? This unfamiliar, slippery sensation in my mouth...

She actually smells pretty nice-

"Get _off of me~!_ " Maria, I dunno about you but this situation's looking pretty hopeless…!

"How _could_ I?" Sounds like that red fairy, 'cause the voice is deep. "Wh- why, you're so cute, I could just…"

Can I make noise, at least? "Nnh!" Aw, yeah! Probably should've been doing that to begin with. "Nn- nck…" Fuck, saliva… swallowing with a locked jaw is awkward as fuck!

"Nnn~..." Also, Ha-chan… she ain't _helpin'_ any…!

I exhale. Well, as well as I can, anyway. Might as well wait, not that I'm doing anything else…!

Cre- creak. Someone's interacting with the right end of the bed-

"Br- Brad!" Maria calls out for me! "I'm- anh!" Yeah, I know…!

...The covers of my bed get stolen from the right, somewhere.

...Oh, that black-haired short maid's crawling up here, too. "Hehehe~! Lemme play, lemme-"

Ha-chan breaks the kiss. Aah- air!

As the shorter fairy nears-

 _Bam!_ Ha-chan palms her out of the way. "I'll _kill you!_ " Holy shit…!

"He- _hee~y!_ " Floating back up, the fairy roars back at her! "Don't be _rude!_ You _have_ to share!"

Getting off of me entirely, Ha-chan raises both arms-

 _Fwam- Fwam- Fwam!_ Three waves of scattered bolts instantly flash down from the ceiling lamp, each converging directly on the fairy's form-

" _Aaa~h!_ " This spectacular thunder spell somehow didn't kill the fairy.

 _Thud_. She _was_ stunned, though. "Ee- nnh…"

Fragile Flower: good idea, or bad idea? I- oh, arm still can't move. Nevermind! I was gonna try to _cleanse myself_ , but...

...So, I'll just stare at the _scenery._ Half-aroused, stunlocked, and left freakin' mangled. Y'know- this room has a nice atmosphere. Dim lighting-

"Hua~h!" Maria inhales, for some reason. "I'm- stop! Please…"

"Ehehehe~!" The tall red fairy giggled at her.

...Ha-chan stares into the air for a moment, before leaping off the bed-

 _Zap!_ -and pouncing on that black-haired fairy-

 _Pi~chun!_ She annihilated her, yo…!

...Oh- oh, hey! Arm slightly moves-

"Bliz- mrm!" Maria's spell got cut off by _something_.

" _Shut up._ " The fairy's still aggressing her, it sounds-

 _Fwa~sh!_ Sounds like ice magic!

" _Aagh!_ " Red fairies don't like ice, yo…! "Rrgh! If- if Mistress hadn't sealed my fire magic…" Remilia sealed your fire magic? Probably… for good reason, all things considered. Ahaha. Haha.

... _Creak!_ Oh, shit, Maria, what's up…! "Aah." I explain everything to her while my mouth is still locked open. "Ah- ah."

"Brad…" With teary eyes, the mage clutches me uselessly. "Wh- what's wrong? Brad…!?" What's it look like…!?

" _No!_ " That red fairy comes back with a vengeance!

" _Aah!_ " Maria's pulled-

Thu- thud. I'm taken along with her! Woah, pins and needles all over my body… the- the feeling, not actual pins and needles.

"Hr~gh!" Frustrated, Ha-chan thrusts towards her-

" _Ouch!_ " The fairy recoils as Ha-chan thrusts a hand into her gut. "Bi- _bitch!_ "

 _Pap!_ She slaps Ha-chan, and grabs onto her hair with the other arm-

 _ZAP_

"Ooh…" Electricity ran up Ha-chan's hair, and flowed into the fire fairy. "Fu- fuh…" Thud. This is why stunning is the cheapest status.

...Free from the fairy's vice-like grip, Maria looks at Ha-chan with a fearful expression. "Ha- Hana, are you- uhm- ah…"

...Ignoring her, Ha-chan leans down and lifts me by the sides of my torso. "Are you okay, Brad-kun?"

You pump me full of electricity then ask me _that?_ "Aah." Jaw's still fuckin' locked, by the way. I-... can't even point at it. Stun sucks so hard…! Oh, you know what I _can_ do? Look down at my nose and hope it transfers the intended meaning…!

...Ha-chan looks down at my mouth. Hehe~y…!

Ah- woah-

Cre- creak. She tossed me onto the bed-

Creak. Then, she pounced on me. "I love you, Brad-kun…" Not a~ string of words heard often…!

"Nnh…" A~nd she leans down into me, again. Hello, tongue. S'been awhile, huh? Fuck...

"Uh- uhm…" Maria looks very reluctant to do anything. Like- she seems torn between doing something and doing nothing, so she's just kinda fidgeting about. Oh, her hands are half blocks of ice again-

Ha-chan pushes my head further into the mattress. "Mm- mmh…"

Well. I guess this isn't terrible…

Like this, I'm left helpless as Ha-chan wraps her arms around me and tries different strategies to deepen the kiss…

...After awkwardly twirling her head and body about, she settles for just kissing normally again. "Mmn."

Can't recall a time I've seen a girl's face this close before. You know, I can't recall a lot of things at this very moment, actually…!

"Um…" Maria steps up cautiously… "Hana?"

Ha-chan sinks into me as her constant kiss continues. I'm getting some kinda buzz, here…

"Hana." Maria almost leans forward to nudge her, but seems to be considering her options _ve~ry_ carefully…

I close my eyes, feeling Ha-chan's body pressed against mine and her arms around me. Wait- I can feel shit. Maybe I can _move_ shit… if I want to, anymore-

"Hana, um…" Maria, what can you do? Ask her nicely to stop? Freakin'... "Kissing is- is romantic, right?"

...Ha-chan lifts her head from me. "Ye- _yea~h_ …" Oo~h, air! Didn't realize, how badly I needed air…

"Um, rubbing cheeks is… romantic, too." Maria, what the fuck are you talking about.

…

Looking down at me, Ha-chan starts rubbing her left hand against my right cheek, smirking as she does so.

...Oh. _Oh_. I take back what I said, Maria i~s apparently a genius!

After an idle moment of staring at the fairy rubbing my cheek, Maria gives another suggestion. "Sitting's also, re- really romantic. That's what I heard."

...Ha-chan glances back at her, before starting to drift up from my form a little. Hey, with any luck she'll undo this stunning. I can kinda sorta move my limbs, but not meaningfully.

She kinda drifts up and forward, for some reason, bringing her legs up and over the bedtop. The frik're you tryin'a…

Stopping in the air over me, she begins to lower- oh no way-

"Um- not- hey…!" Maria darts forward a little-

Ha-chan sat down, her panties meeting my face. "Ah- aahn...!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Arms folded, I sat next to the electric fairy of the hour, my face soaked.

Ha-chan looks around, her head encased in a block of ice.

Maria's hands were now ten percent ice block-ier.

"...I'm- I'm sorry." Maria apologizes to me.

"It's- it's cool, yo…" I've seen some things, son.

…

"Nnn." Ha-chan tried to make a noise from within the block of ice, but it came out as a hum instead.

...Oranges. Oranges, and _static._ Everything smells like oranges and a brief, stuffy hint of I guess either static or… I don't even know.

Well, we've _sorted out the situation_ , so now Ha-chan knows what kind of sitting is 'romantic'. Sitting together, that is. Not, uh…

...Also, I can pretty much move now. Except…

With my bag on my left side, I slowly, awkwardly slide out Hard Winter with one arm…

"Hey, um, Ha-chan." Freakin', now I'm using 'um' too. "Look at the bed header post thing, for a moment."

"Nnn?" She can't even hear me. How's she breathing?

...Once I get the hanger out, I start channeling mana into it…

"Um…" To help out, Maria starts speaking, too, even if Ha-chan's freakin' deaf. "How're you, Hana?"

Ha-chan looks at her! "Nnn!"

Mana channeled! Gaia _Bloom_ , yo.

 _Fwoo- fwoo- fwoom_. A series of earthy green magical circles generate around Ha-chan's form.

"Nn- nnh- nh!" Their serialized initializations cause her to spasm in place, before bolting up, her limbs crackling with electricity-

Thump- thump- thump. She stumbles forward, the tiredness stacked onto her from the earth magic.

 _Fwooo~_. I cast the lesser variant of the spell to finish things…

The magical circle generates within the fairy's form as she throws her head around in confusion, before seeing my hanger-

Thud. The magical circle's realization makes her drop onto her knees. "Nnn~."

Thud. Then, onto her side, unconscious.

…

Maria looks over at me, and I look over at her.

...She brings a finger up, and scratches her cheek. "I didn't know it was possible to make you flustered."

Yeah, okay. Standing up, I take a deep breath- ba~d idea. Well, good, but bad idea. Whatever, freakin'...

I'm still kinda locked up, but I'll just let it fade. I'm gonna assume _something's_ gotten into the fairies today, again. They're also a fuckton stronger than the last time they wigged out, too. And-...

Yesterday, that blonde god chick, talking all about how nature'd flourish or some shit. Fairies, nature, nature, fairies… yeah. Well.

Cautiously, I meandered over to the open front door. I see London's broken parts outta the corner of my eye as I move…

Takin' a peek outsi~de…

Oh shit. The halls are _trashed._ Crayon scribblings everywhere, torn up panels- there's a _big fucking hole_ somewhere on the right…

" _Hehehe~! Hehe!_ " Giggles echo throughout the manor's halls-

 _Bam!_ And stuff breaks, too, apparently.

Bet Sakuya's got her hands full. Freakin'...

...Maria steps up behind me, cautiously. "Is it safe…?"

"I~ don't know." I haven't a clue, yo.

...Carefully, cautiously, I navigate outside!

...Whelp, nothing's pinned me down and raped me yet. "Area clear, yo…!" Let us adventure! I think we should just hightail it out of here and make a freakin' frantic dash across the hellscape the overworld's probably become.

Do I have any upgrades I could slap on my shit? I could use some _weapons_ , dude...

Ju~st remembered. Hina gave me that bad luck talisman thing that I can use on bad girls. Maybe I'll put it on Fairy Harp so it can be even _more_ of a status mangling machine.

Moving through the just _broken_ hallway, I jog ahead, Maria quickening her pace to keep up with me.

" _Hahaha~!_ " Yeah, haha! Ha, ha! Somethin's real funny, yo! Fairy's got jokes!

I wonder how the halls'll behave with this shitstorm going on. Probably not well.

...As we move forward, we near that hole in the wall…

"Teeny-chan, stop jumping on the bed!"

" _Die, die, die!_ "

"Hehehe~! Hu _hahaha~!_ "

"I- I love you so much-"

"Ahn! Ooh! Oh…!"

That's a very wide range of emotions being expressed from the adjacent, partially exposed rooms…! The hole itself is like, as big as one room. What bomb went off…!?

...Looking away from the wreckage, I stepped forward-

"Howdy!" Tha~t's a tall fairy. She's six feet tall, and she's got long _grey_ hair. And, big boobs, but we don't talk about those…!

"... _Howdy_." I hold up my hanger pre-emptively…! "You gonna let us pass? We don't mean no harm..."

...Leaning over towards us, she smirks. "If ya do something for me, that'd sound about right. Don't you think?"

It'd sound about right if I freakin' ruffled your fluff, but there's a fifty fifty you can actually kick our asses. Oh- just remembered that Maria's hands are still frozen, even if she's got her staff on 'er. I'll toss her a potion soonish…

The tall maid stepped around us examiningly. "...That girl 'a yers is awful cute. Wouldn't mind takin' her back to my room with me."

Whelp!

…

Clank! Raising my hanger, I thrust it into the floor!

 _Fwoom- fwoom- fwoom_. I cast Gaia Bloom on her, too, the series of earthy circles realizing around her! "...Aw, you really had to put up a- aah!" Thud. The repeated circles cause her to slide onto her knees.

" _Sprint!_ " Let's go~!

"Aw _hell!_ " The fairy yells behind us…!

Go, go, go~! Run and run and-

She floats into the air ahead of us. "Well, look what yer 'bout to make me to! I'll have to-"

" _Fire!_ " Maria throws an arm out, a fireball homing in for the fairy-

 _Fwam!_ She's ignited. "Oh- fa- fire!? Oh- fuck fuck fu-"

 _Pi~chun!_

...I stumble to a stop as Sakuya appears in the hall, a six-pointed star of knives replacing the burning fairy.

In the next moment, she's before Maria. Crouching down, she grabs the mage by the collar. "No. Fire."

A~nd then she's gone.

"Aah- whah…?" Blinking, feeling at her collar, Maria looks around… "I- I'm sorry…?"

"I think Sakuya'll rip ya a new one if you cast more fire…!" I advise her! Oh, and by the way…

Taking out a health potion, I toss it into the air for a quick cast-

 _Di- di~ng!_ The liquid splashes onto Maria, healing her. "...Oh. Why?"

Cli- click, crack. The ice on her hands falls off, and the serrations and burns underneath undo themselves. "Aah…" She hisses as the pain runs its course.

"'Cause." I gesture to her hands. "Chances are, we ain't gettin' outta here without gettin' beat the fuck up…!"

"...Thanks." Maria nodded at me.

Alri~ght. Now…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Dashing down the hallway, I round into a nearby clearing of some freakin' sort and go for the nearest door. Is Maria still here?

I glance back- okay, yeah, good…

Goin' up to the door, I undo the handle, swing it open, and duck inside! Maria follows me in immediately after.

…

From in here, we see a group of six technicolored fairies whirl into the clearing where we were.

...Click. I slowly shut the door. We'll check back outside and keep moving in a moment…

Maria sighs. "Hah…"

…

" _Oo~h!_ " A~nd immediately we hear a series of moans from somewhere inside! Good. " _Hehehehe~!_ "

...At the moment, we're around the tiny ass flank of a cabinet, just inside the room.

...I lean around the door. There seem to be _seven_ fairies in this room.

"Ackh- ghmpck…" A~nd that's Brittany! Three of them are those chucklefucks from this dimension, and the other three seem to be the chucklefucks from the mirror world.

In the most minimal wording: Brittany's spread out, and the fairies are all in a circle around him. No one's clothed.

I duck back behind the edge of the cabinet.

...Maria looks up at me, whispering. "What'd you-"

I cover her mouth. Nope! Noo~. We're _not_ getting seen. Nuh uh. Not a concept that exists today!

" _Lick._ " One of the two Komis gave instructions.

"Me too." There's the other one!

"And do me~!" Koi number one or two!

"Me, me~!" Koi number two or one!

Are those fairies outside gonna fuck off anytime soon!? Hnn~gh…

…

"Aa~h…" I hear a moan from one of the Komis. "Good, slave…"

I'd tap my foot impatiently, but I'm in ninja mode, son.

"...C'mo~n, Namori~." Koi calls out to the shyer fairies. "Get all over her!"

"Ok- okay…" Actual Namori agreed complacently-

"No wa~y. I'm waiting my turn, too." Assertive Namori is… patient? "I don't know what's in the air, but I feel _good._ "

Alright, I think that's enough…

Slo~wly, I swing open the door-

Creak.

Okay.

…

Crrea~ _Bam!_ _Slam_ it open!

"Operation run and gun! Go go go~!" Ru~n awa~y!

"Aah- ah…!" After a short delay, Maria sprints out with me, holding her staff above her head like a freakin' javelin as we book it the hell outta that clearing.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I think… we're at the front lobby! I think.

I say this because the entire front of the front lobby is caved in. Nothing but rubble! The stairs, though, they're… well, they're a _ramp_ now, but otherwise fine.

...I run over towards the ramp-

 _Fwam!_ A fairy that's been hovering above us some of the way drops another freakin' pseudo- water balloon from above. "Hehe- aah… it missed…"

" _Thunder!_ " Maria casts thunder on it for the uhmpteenth time-

 _Zap- zap- zap- zap!_

 _Pi~chun!_ There we go. Probably only took half of Maria's mana pool to fuck up that one fairy.

...With that done, I look over at the ruined front door.

For whatever reason, there's just a _really_ tall fairy there. I know I've called fairies 'really tall' or 'tall' before, but… this looks like the logical extreme!

Body type? Normal! Hair? Ah, messy black hair, nothing special. Arms? Nothin' new to see there…

Her legs are about as tall as me, though. She's like ten feet tall. Instead of just a skirt, she's also got on a pair of pants. Her knees are up to my _chest_.

She's just kinda got her hands in her pockets, too…

...Stepping up to her. I greet her. "Hello, great tall fairy."

...She glances down at me. "Oh, he~y."

…

Well, that's a welcome change of pace, at least. Nothing else to say…? Gonna try to rape me, or steal something, or… leer at Maria~...?

…

She stares up into the void, nodding. "I feel really good about today."

Yeah, me too.

…

 _Boo~m!_ Okay-

 _Bam!_ Dropping in from the ceiling, and crawling out from a freakin' pit she made in the floor, Ganpeki points at the hole she came from! "Get down here, _bitch!_ "

Seven floats down from above, a ring of cards revolving between two arms. " _Fufufu~!_ "

Alright, time to mine through the wall. We're gettin' outta dodge, one way or another!

Marching up to the rubble, I step up to a part that vaguely looks like undamaged wall, and start-

 _Crack!_ -hackin' away with Hard Winter!

Maria hugs a wall nearby, smart enough not to get behind me while I fuck up this other wall.

 _Boo~m!_ Destroying the lobby floor as she flung back up, Ganpeki roared after the lucky fairy-

Seven cast her cards out, which then began revolving around the burly fairy. "Pick aga~in, Ganny-chan!"

" _Fuck yo~u!_ " Ganpeki roared, unleashing a mighty, slow, roundhouse kick in the air, failing to hit anything.

...As she came back down-

 _Boo~m!_ Her impact made an earthy shockwave, which echoed out from her form across the lobby ground…

 _Crack!_ Nearly through the wa~ll. Just a little more-

Crack- crack. There, now to just, widen it a bit…

"Unlucky~!" Seven called out! "Hahaha~!"

Ganpeki floated up, enveloped in purple energy. " _Hruaa~h!_ " She began flailing and throwing a tantrum…!

 _FWICHOOM_

Poker chips and dice rained down from the fairy's form as she was flung into a wall at bullet speed-

 _BAM_

...Genkan easily parted from a surprisingly sturdy segment of wall, falling back down.

"C'mon…" I call for Maria friend as I exit the front door-

"Don't mind if I do." Wat. That tall fairy crouched down and freakin'... crawled out ahead of Maria. Okay…!

...Maria crawls out last.

Oh, by the way, it's a blizzard out here.

...Maria scrambles out of the snow and onto her feet the moment she crawls through the wall fully. "Wh- snow…? Oh, no…"

…

The tall fairy looms over us, but not in an intentionally mean way. "I'm going to get going, now."

What, sure. Who are you…!?

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

…

With Maria on my back- 'cause Hard Winter buff and she's not _too too_ heavy- I marched through the blizzard. Ankle high snow has nothin' on _this_ ice elemental!

There's been the occasional ice fairy, but they've all been rather kempt and cuddly, actually.

"Hehehe…" Like her! Unlike Cirno, these ice fairies are aloof and look kinda like assholes. Cool looking, but probably assholes, if I had to guess. They got these ice clips in their hair, and short hair cuts and kimonos…

...After the ice fairy floats back into the wintery mist, the snow gets heavier again. Yeah… well, at least they don't run up and fuck you up like mansion fairies. Freakin'...

Maria was shivering. "Aa- aah…"

I wonder if I can make a campfire, or something. We might have to… but with this snow, would it really be-

The second I step out onto the lakeside, the snow ends. Knee deep to~ none. Zip, s'grass now. Well, some mud and wet grogginess 'cause of the sudden biome shift, but...

The Misty Lake is bright, sunny, and… the warmth hits me like a _brick wall_. Oo~kay, so…

...I don't know what to say! It's _summer_ now, at least over here! What the fuck!

...Maria quickly ceases shivering. "What happened?"

Goo~d question. Well, I'm still cold probably, so it'll be a little while before I start freakin' melting alive.

Hopping off of my back of her own volition, Maria begins dusting herself off. "I'm pretty sure there's an incident going on… and I'm pretty sure we saw the culprit, too."

Yeah. Well- it was a _god_. What can ya do, yo…

...I see a _few_ fairies in the distance across the lake, at the moment.

Marchin' along the lakeside, I start joggin'!

...A few yards or so away, a fairy comes out of the brush! She's got a fun sunflower. She's just kinda running at us…

"Um…" Maria holds up her staff, in preparation for the worst!

Once she gets a few feet away, the fairy aims her sunflower at us-

 _Fwoa~sh!_ Instantly a beam launches Maria! " _Aaa~h!_ " Holy shit!

After watching her fly towards the lake water, I turn back to the fairy-

 _Fwoa~sh!_ Oo~h, laser spam, huh!? Good, dude! That's good!

Ducking out of the way of one nearly instantaneous beam, like a lucky bastard-

 _Fwoa~sh!_ I~t didn't even matter. Ki~ss the sky~!

 _Splash!_ The beams surprisingly don't hurt too much on impact, but landing is _hard_. Well, I landed in the shallows, but fuck…!

 _Fwoa~sh!_ Pft- are- is she just going to keep shelling us…!?

" _Fire!_ " Standing up, waist deep in water, Maria sends out a fireball!

 _Fwam!_ It ignites the sunflower fairy! " _Eee~!_ " She yells, before-

 _Splash!_ -diving into the water before us.

I jerk Hard Winter into the water. "Ice shard thing!"

The magic is cast, a crystal of ice generating in her midst and freezing the air around it partially-

 _Fwa~sh!_ She's partially frozen, and-

 _Sploosh_. -left to fall over into the water. Freakin'... probably gonna drown, too. Can't find it in myself to care at the moment, for some strange reason!

"Aah…" Maria sighs, moving to climb out of the water. "C- c'mon…"

Once out of the water, we further progress down the lakeside! This time, uh, with a slightly lower profile. Freakin'...

"We should've made cardboard fairy wings." I lament… "That probably would've helped. _Kinda_."

Maria snorts. "...They- they're not really kind to one another. I don't know about that…"

Fwo- fwoa~sh! Beams in the distance! Maybe we should wait…

At the moment, we're like, a quarter around the right of the lake. The kappa along this way from the other day are all gone, both from probably looting the shit out of the robots, and the fairies going freakin' nightmare mode on everything.

"Aah…!" A womanly voice comes from the bushes ahead.

 _Fwoa~sh!_ Beam goes off inside somewhere-

 _Boom!_ ...What the hell was that supposed to be?

"Ngh…" Oh. Oh, hey!

Genkan stumbles back out of the bushes, clad in very flakey, quickly melting makeshift ice armor, holding what looks like a sharpened icicle with two arms.

 _Fwoa~sh!_ A sunflower fairy's beam comes out of the brush, nailing the yuki-onna. "Gah…" Genkan goes sliding back from it, her armor chipping away further.

"It's summer, _no~w!_ " That sunflower fairy floated on out! "Go _awa~y!_ "

"Hnn~..." Holding out an arm, Genkan lethargically casts a spell-

Fwish. A slow-moving, but homing icicle moves towards the fairy-

 _Fwam!_ The small girl unleashes a point-blank blast of energy into it, blowing it apart. "I ha~te _ice!_ It makes me _cold!_ " Aw, good…!

"Yo!" I call out!

...The fairy turns to me, before quietly recoiling and holding her cheeks, for some reason. Aw.

Maria holds up her staff…!

...The fairy quickly glowers at me. "You just killed me! You- you put me in the water and I _died!_ "

We- we killed you ten seconds ago. Are respawns instant now, too…!?

"Per- perhaps you _deserved it_ …" Genkan just seems worn out. Considering how hot this biome around the lake is, and how quickly her stuff's melting- she doesn't _have_ an icicle anymore- she's probably not having fun…!

Looking over at her, the fairy glares…!

A purple and pink fairy floats out of the trees, her hands behind her back. "Hehehe~... Daisy-cha~n…" Her hair's all done up in a cone, for some reason…!

 _Fwoa~m!_ Sunflower fairy shoots a sunflower sunbeam!

"Nn~gh…" Genkan's sent stumbling back towards the water by it-

 _Choo- choo- choom!_ The pink, flowery fairy shoots a freakin' barrage of glowing, brown canisters from her _hair cone_.

 _Fwoa~m!_ Oh boy-

 _Fwoa~m! Two_ sunflower fairies now-

 _Fwoa~m!_ Jesus Christ-

 _Fwoa~m!_ Hit me from behind-

 _Boom- boom- boom!_ Those canisters make pillars of flame as they randomly rain down! Holy fucking shit…!

We're pretty much _all_ in the water now- fucking…

 _Fwish!_ Genkan erects a barrier of ice from the water, which promptly sinks down and _into_ the water.

 _Fwoosh!_ Water pillars!?

 _Fwoa~m! Choo- choo- choom! Fwoa~m!_ _Fwoosh!_ Magic everywhere!

Aaaa~h, aaa~h!

And then-

 _Pi- pi- pi- pi~chun!_

" _Aaa~h!_ " Fairy screams! I don't know from who or where!

 _Pi- pi~chun!_

...The heat seems to be off of us, now. Which is good, because I'm now entirely soaked, and half freakin' drowned from being juggled back into the lake.

...Looking up, I see that the fairies are getting their asses kicked-

" _Hahaha~!_ " -by Cirno. A _tan_ Cirno, might I add! She's been going to the beach, yo! "Eye'm the stronge~st _fairy~!_ "

"No- no you're _not!_ " The sunflower fairy aimed up at her-

 _Fwoa~m!_ Cirno grazed the instant laser, darting up to the fairy with obscene speed-

 _Fwoa- Fwoa~m!_ She grazes two more from odd angles, twirling in the air-

 _Bloo- bloo- bloop!_ A barrage of bubbles comes from an awkwardly oversized water fairy-

Once all the fairies crowd around her, Cirno stops shooting a machine gun spread of icicles and stretches her limbs out. "Ice Sign! _Cool Sunflower!_ "

Fvhi~r- _VOASH_

In the air, a massive, spinning storm of raw ice magic bloomed forth from Cirno, flourishing in the summer air as it seemed to cool the lakeside.

The colossal danmaku petal spun and enlarged, slowly expanding outward as it grew and blew dusty snow outwards from its form…

 _Woo~sh_. With one final whisp, the blizzard ended.

...All the fairies around Cirno were now on the ground in blocks.

"Eye'm the _best!_ " She began to do pretend jumping jacks in the air, for some reason. "Now- now let's go freeze over _there!_ " Pointing across the lake, she zoomed off, flying superman style towards the other lakeside.

...From here, we could see a myriad of water fairies erupt from the lake to gank her, before promptly getting into a dogfight.

Jesus. The overworld's a scary place…!

...Before we even said a word to one another, we all waded back to the shore and freakin'... flailed wildly to dry off a _little_.

Exhaling, Genkan looked at us with heavy eyes. "What… are you two doing out here?"

"Gettin' the hell outta dodge!" I inform her! "Shit's crazy! Ha-chan went nuts- freakin'... it's the fairy-ocalypse!" Aa~h! S'not even hyperbole, either!

"We're heading to the village or the shrine, I think…" Maria explains the plan! "Come with us. You look beat up…"

"I- I'm not beat up." Genkan denies having trouble with the fairies. "...Summer is simply not my… ideal condition. Normally, I'd hibernate… but this isn't a normal summer… if- if you hadn't guessed."

Ahah. "Yeah, yo, and death ain't an ideal condition, either. Freakin'..." Well, we're… _halfway_ across the lake! Aa~h…

Genkan gives me a dry stare, before just huffin' again… "Quite. ...Let's go. We're getting harassed no matter how we do this. And-" Oh, shit, she stumbled…!

Too far to catch her…! Running forward, I cast Hard Winter aside and-

 _Oof_. Well, that sucked! I like, got down and tried to slide _under_ her, but ended up just getting smooshed under half of her.

...She sighed. "I... appreciate the effort." Aw…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

 _Fwo- Fwo- Fwoa~m!_

We've have learned… that a sheet of ice reinforced with electricity makes for an okay defense against mega death lasers!

Genkan held onto the sheet, pressing her form against it as we slowly moved forward. "Nnh…" Her form was also vaguely electric, as Maria had to feed magic into the side of the thing with her staff, and it went from the sheet and into her.

I also lended Genkan Hard Winter, so she'd be able to truck through it easier…!

 _Fwoa~m!_ Another beam clipped the sheet, making Genkan tense up and stop, but the sheet lives!

"Ice youkai _go ho~me!_ " One of the sunflower fairies yells at us!

"They can't run, they can't hi~de…!" A nearly identical sunflower fairy taunts us, as we technically do both with this electric ice shield…

"This forest is your _enemy!_ " One of them starts flying straight at the shield…!

 _Fwoa~m!_

 _Thunk!_ ...She got matted against it by one of her friend's death beams. "Oo~h…!"

 _Fwoa~m!_

 _Thunk!_ Her attempt at escape was thwarted by the other fairy. Electricity starts flowing into her! "Nngh- he- nh-"

 _Fwoa- Pi~chun!_ Aw. Her friends _killed her_ , dude…!

By now we've reached the far end of the lake, yo. Hakurei path's right on over here…!

As we progress along-

 _Fwap- fwa- fwa- fwa- fwap_. A barrage of talismans from above home in on the two fairies-

 _Pi- pi- pi- pi~chun!_ A~nd they've all been killed instantly. Even the ones that haven't come out of the bushes yet…!

 _Fwap- fwap- fwap_. Like _ten_ talismans drift into our shield, sticking to it and glowing ominously…!

Reimu roars overhead, two yin yang orbs revolving around her as she darts ahead.

...After scanning the sky, I see Marisa's on the prowl too! Somewhere a little distant from here, though…

"Hi."

Oh. Someone's said hi to us, yo…

Turning to the left, I see a fairy with fluffy butterfly wings and a green dress drift up to us… "Why're you dressed so warm for today? Don't you know what season it is?"

Genkan scowled at her. "...You know, it's winter elsewhere."

The fairy beamed at her like she told a really good joke. "What? Oh, wow, a yuki-onna! If the yuki-onna wake up out of season, what sort of omen is that…?"

...Genkan just gave her a dry stare.

"Y'see, we're uh…" Aw, yo! "We're Norwegianers, dude!" I nod…!

The fairy blinked. "Nor-weegies? Nor-... Nor _weg_... That sounds made up." She gives up with a calm smile.

"See- we're _eskimos._ " I inform the ill-informed fairy friend. "We always dress warm!"

...At that, she responds with zero change in expression. "That sounds stupid."

"...If we don't dress warm, we die, dude." I justify our life choices. "Like, flop over, dead."

She looks like she gets it! "Oh! I've seen some humans who do that before! They walk into the woods- sometimes with a sword or knife- and then when I find them, they're on the ground and dead. Guess they forgot their warm clothes."

...You are a _weird_ fairy!

We continue forward towards down the shrine path, our reinforced posture slightly relaxing as no fairies seem to jump out at us while this butterfly fairy or something is hovering about us…

So I hold onto her interest! "Wegga board." The way she said 'norweg' reminded me of 'wegga board', another made up thing.

She smiles! "Wegga board!"

Wegga board, dude…

...As we continue forward, she flutters her wings. "I'm a _pretty_ butterfly, don't you think? Fufufu…"

Nice laugh for a _fairy_. "Yeah, yo."

As we reach the shrine ground, a myriad of curiously equipped fairies seem to hover out of the way of the steps as we approach with the fairy…

Hmm. There're cherry blossoms bloomed all around the shrine hill! They're cuddly looking, dude...

I look at the fairy. "What do they call you, yo? Wings? Dust-and-stuff?"

"Eternity." She gives me a level, smile-accented stare.

...Well, that's a fun name for a fairy. She secretly time elemental…!?

"This is probably the first time a key's been held by an _eskimo_ …" She brings a hand to her chin, before rubbing it… "Well, just remember to wear your warm clothes. If you died, it would be sad. I would be sad."

Staring off into space, she blinks a few times, before focusing on me again. "...It's a little chilly over here. I'm gonna go back to the lake before the breeze makes me catch a cold…"

Can fairies even catch colds? I just realized, can yuki-onna and ice fairies get colds? If a yuki-onna catches a cold… how's that even work!?

"Bye, yo!" I wave at the friendly fairy. First fairy today- other than Cirno- who didn't see us and instantly decide to gut us…! Well, there was that, uh, long legged fairy, but u~h...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After she left, the fairies came back with a vengeance, so~...!

Running through the curiously open village gate, we make our way in…!

"Aah- ngh…" Genkan now knows the pains of running. "Hah…"

"Nnh- I- I'm... e- exhausted…" Maria states the obvious!

Freakin'...

...As we make our way through the open gate, there seems to be another barrier ahead, of wood and guys with big sticks!

It's pretty sunny down here at the village. It's a little cooler than it was at the shrine, for some reason, but it's not actually cold. Just… draftier.

"What _now…?_ " Genkan warily eyes the wall of guards. Hmm~...

Brushin' off my camou-kimono, I step out from around our ice barrier…! "Wish me luck, yo!" It is time to negotiate!

...Walking up to the wall, I knock on it. "Yo. S'there any way in there…?"

A moment later, a single armored and armed dude hops off and slides down, since it's slanted. Once he reaches the ground where I'm at, he points his pike at me. "Hands up."

"I'll give you money if you let us in." I put it bluntly! "If ya couldn't tell, _fairymania._ Safety's kinda a _hot commodity,_ now."

"...Give me it now." He makes a demand!

"If you don't let us in, I will run around, scream, gather fairies, and run back here wit 'em." I slowly widen my grin…!

"Not if I don't let you leave." He starts to lower his pike for _thrusting_ , yo…

"I can teleport." I lie out my ass. "Here I am trying to get in the _right way_ , yo, wit' my _friends_ , and here _you are_ , son."

...He's got his brows furrowed! "What's in it for me?"

Y'stupid? "Toldja it was _money_ , son. Know a place where you can buy _hookers_ , too." Technically!

…

"Around this way." Raising his pike again, he gestures for me to follow him, and begins moving to a nearby alley…

Lookin' at the friends, I gesture for them to follow!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After going down a few alleys… we've reached some kind of super secret checkpoint! There're more guards here, but the ones that are here are just kinda relaxing and leaning against the wall…

In the sunlight, these alleys look all dusty and dirty. Freakin'... dirt brown all around.

"Go through here." The guard advises us, before looking us over.

...After scanning our forms repeatedly, lingering on Genkan and Maria for some reason, he holds out an arm. "I'll need that money, now."

...Reaching into my bag, I fumble around… and take out a _wooden block_.

Handing it over to him, I nod. He accepts it.

...Reaching into my bag again, I fumble around… and take out another _wooden block_.

Handing it over to him, I nod, this time warmer. He accepts it with his other hand.

...Reaching into-

"This… what are these." He gives me a flat question as he looks the blocks over.

"Eighteen inch _cubic zirconium_ , dude." I grin, and make sure to puff my cheeks too! "Real good shit! Each one- each one sells for, uh… I heard it was like, ten yen, or something like that. How much did you want again?"

...Looking over at his fellow, relaxing guards, he just huffs, vaguely confused. "Um…" Looking back down at the blocks, he… he dunno what to do! "Give me… a _hundred_ , then."

I nod! "Sure thing!"

He blinks, taken aback.

...Reaching into my bag, I take out another wooden block.

I hold it out for him to accept. Almost numbly, he holds his arms forward for me to drop it in.

...Reaching into my bag-

"You know what?" Dropping his blocks, he steps up to me and grabs the bag. "Just fucking give me that-... it's empty?"

Frowning, he flips the bag over- oh shit-

 _Boom!_ The bomb hanger drops from it, and does what a bomb hanger does!

"Fuh- _auh!?_ " He's sent sprawling from the blast!

The nearby guards all flail wildly in surprise…!

" _Run!_ " Darting forward into the lingering blast to steal my crap, I clutch it, scramble blindly to the left, and then attempt to keep up with the friends…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Well, we got through the checkpoint! No one- other than that pissed guy I scammed- bothered to pursue us, and he got lost at some point along the way…

Genkan just looks freakin' annihilated. "Ha- ah… nnh…" She's all sweaty, and her hair's frizzy!

Maria's not doing much better in her generic villager rags. "Ha~h… ha~h…" Today's been a running kind of day, yo…

We're in some alley just off one of the near main streets. Oof…

...We now have a moment to breathe! And _think_. Freakin'...

…

"I- I hate this…" Genkan is instantly bad news! Looking down at her torn and soggy kimono- she's got that blue and white stock one on now- she just holds up her arms, lookin' all messy.

It's one of _those_ days, yo. "Don't we all…" Taking my eyes off her soaked form, I look around!

"It's… warm, around my abode." Venting her frustrations, Genkan drops her arms… "Fairies came in and forced me out… and it's snowing in the forest, for some reason. It- it's probably an incident..."

I nod 'n' look back at 'er. "Y'know, we actually saw the big bad the other day!"

...She blinks.

"By big bad, I mean incident master person." I redefine my terms…!

"Ah. Surely ended well…" Sighing, she shifts herself about anxiously, uncomfortable. "I'm in no condition to end this."

Yeah. "A god did it, this time." I inform her how hopeless us doing anything about it is!

"Oh…" With a slanted smile, she sighs, still shifting about. "Suppose we'll just have to live with this, then. As disgraceful as it is to take refuge _here_ …"

"There- there's really nowhere else…" Maria seems to be catching her breath, too. "There's… the shrine, but-"

"No." Genkan shakes her head. "That's… if we'd ended up there, I'd also make do... but of the two hells, I'm content with this one." Pfft…

"...Guess it wouldn't be a good place to take a youkai." Maria figured.

"We should crash somewhere, yo…" We're pretty much all fucked up, so we need to find a nice safe house before we get into more trouble. Freakin'...

I'd say we take over Fred's place again, but last time we did he tried to jump me in my sleep. London kicked his ass, but still.

Sekibanki? Well, we _could_. Dunno if we _should_ …

" _Hehehe~!_ " We hear a fairy outside the alley…!

Looking outside, I see a single, green-haired fairy whirl by-

 _Thu-thu-thunk!_ Three arrows hit her like a wall, stopping her dead in her tracks and sending her falling statically to the ground-

 _Pi~chun!_ Pretty apt! Still, took like _three_ arrows to kill a fairy. Freakin'...

"We- we could stay at mister Kirisame's…" Maria considers.

Oh, actually… "Don't you own a house?" Lookin' over at her, I grin…!

...She blinks. "No?"

…

She realizes what I was referring to. "Well- we- we can't just _go back_. That would… that would be a bit much, I- I think."

"Nonsense, yo. It's a big comfy house!" Wahaha! I start walkin'...! "'Sides, I got _sleep magic_ , dude. We can just put 'em to sleep and sentry 'em up summore."

"What are we discussing…?" Genkan was left out of the conversation, yo.

"Home." Let's go home, dude…

...Moving out of the alley and down the road, we hit the streets!

The guards're givin' us funny looks, but not very many pikemen are just about the road right now. Mostly dudes with bows, scanning the skies-

 _Pi~chun!_ -for good reason, apparently. Fairies're makin' attempts, today!

...Aside from getting our asses beat, the village has a curiously nice aesthetic today. It's weirdly grey today, compared to the nonsense going on outside.

"I- I wanted to stop at my bar again, today, too…" Maria reveals her previous day plans. "I'm not okay with… something I saw."

Oh, yeah, I should probably update her on the whole murder loli thing. Girl just screams instant death…!

"You own a bar…?" Genkan's a little surprised! "...I didn't take you for an entrepreneur."

"Used to." Maria clarifies. "After my mother died, I set it up. I didn't know what I was doing…"

"Ah." Genkan absorbs the information…

I glance back at 'er as we make our way across the scantily-populated main square. "Oh, yeah. Don't fuck around with the interior of the bar too much. I know the guy who runs it; he's probably got some sneaky bullshit for his security."

"What…?" Maria blinks at my words. "You know the manager?"

"Yeah, yo." I nod. "Dude straight up kills guys, yo. Puts boys''s bodies on the _wall_. If he's runnin' some operation, I bet he's got goons now, too...!" I did see that cat lady from before there with beer. Freakin', her name's on the tip of my tongue…

Genkan frowns. "I suppose that would figure. This village is cruel."

"So if ya _did_ go…" I warn Maria of the dangers! "He'd probably try ta strangle 'er mangle ya or some shit. He's also got this death loli of doom with him, who can eviscerate stronger things."

"...I see." Maria stares down at the ground. "...Well… maybe… hrmm."

"In simpler words!" To finalize my point…! "If ya go there, even with us as backup, I'm pretty sure we'd die!"

"...Oh." Maria blinks awkwardly…

"You underestimate me." Genkan glances over at me… "Simply because I'm weaker today-"

"Nah, we all go in at full power, at least _one of us_ ain't walkin' back out." I make my case clearer, yo.

"I thought you knew the manager…?" Maria questions me!

Emphasis on 'knew'! "I dunno anymore, yo." Genuinely dunno…!

...We're near the alley where Maria's dictators live!

As we move into the alley, Genkan continues to look around… "Why is everything the humans make so ugly?"

"'Cause _we're_ ugly…!" I say the first thing that comes to mind! "Also, we have nothing to work with and everyone _seemingly_ wants to fall over and die, so…"

"...That would do it, I suppose." Genkan sympathizes with the feeling!

Coming up to the hen house, I step up to the porch!

"U- uhm…" Maria's not sure what to tell me!

 _Knock knock knock_. Open up, noo~bs!

…

Freakin'...

 _Knock_. I freakin' punched the door, yo.

…

Crea~k. It opens!

" _What?_ " Impatiently, the son swings the door open!

Then he sees us, and tries to immediately slam it again-

I throw myself against it! "It's fluffle butt fever time, _son!_ " Wahaha~!

" _Buffoon!_ " He called me a _buffoo~n_ , dude! "I will have the _authorities!_ "

Y'know what that means, yo…? Means he currently don't _got_ the authority!

Taking out Fairy Harp, I keep struggling to push the door open…!

Then, he lets me in by relenting and darting back into the intro room…

As I steady myself again, he draws a _fencing sword_ from his belt. "...Be-... beware the fury of a patient man." Son, let's not kid ourselves here…

"You're _cool_ , dude." I reaffirm his coolness. "Show me yer best sword technique!"

...Grinning, he brings his blade back. "Very well. If that is what you desire, I shall be your angel of death!"

Fwi~sh. He begins to spin around-

I duck outside by stepping back and going around the wall.

 _Whi- whi- whi- whish!_ He stabs out the door frame repeatedly and rapidly. Good attack, but...

...Once he's done, I look back inside, only to see him trying to catch his balance. "Ha- haha…! Let… me see you bl- bleed!"

Aw. Bringing up Fairy Harp, I channel mana into it-

 _Woosh_. A gust of fairy dust filled air floats out into him-

"A- aah- _achoo!_ " Now he's dizzy _and_ congested, dude.

...I look back down that porch steps. Genkan's just got her eyebrows raised, while Maria's… also got her eyebrows raised!

...Turning back inside, I dart in while the guy's steppin' about-

 _Whack!_ And I _kick 'em!_

"Ah…!?" I forgot this guy's name, actually. Somehow. He's sitting down now, so I guess it doesn't matter… "Yo- you monster…!"

"Look, yo." I point my plant hanger at him menacingly…! "We~ own this house now!"

"When my parents get back…" He gives me an uneven scowl. " _Youkai._ "

Al~right.

... _Woosh_. Have another one! Gust of air, that is, not a weak kick...

"Aah- nnhg…!" He tries really hard to resist sneezing, to the point his eyes start to water.

Gesturing for the friends to come in, I step deeper into the house…

...Once I'm in the dining room, I throw Fairy Harp on the table, and move back out to the front room. Genkan's still got Hard Winter, so…

As she and Maria try to access the dining room, I step into her way in particular…

"Hi, friend." I greet her.

She snorts. "...You look expectant. What is it?"

I point at the noob guy as he tries to unsteadily get back up. "Use earth magic on him, yo. The hanger has it in it."

She just blinks. "...Is that so?" Pointing the hanger at him, she focuses…

Fwo. A tiny, green magical circle forms in the midst of his being-

 _Fwoo~sh_. For some reason, it flourishes, blooming outward and gaining a bigger, more complex pattern as the green flowed into the air. S'a curiously different earth spell than mine, but seems to have the same single-target radius…

"Ugh…" Eyes heavy, the guy just-

 _Thud_. -rolls off the nearby tiny table he was leaning on, and flops over.

Hoh. Later on, I'll drag him to wherever we're sleeping and have London keep 'em down.

…Genkan nods slowly at this. "I see. Curious…" At that, she moves to pass the hanger back to me. "I was half expecting you to ask me for a hug again."

Aw. "Thanks for reminding me, yo. Can we _cuddle._ " I'm a snugglepuss, son.

...After givin' me a dry stare, she continues into the dining room by moving past me! "I can't say I'm particularly in the mood to be interacting with warm bodies. My own clothes feel like too much as it is, and my mana reserves and natural temperature are all out of whack…"

Holding herself, she huffs. "I just want this incident to be over."

So take your clothes off, yo. No~ I can't say that…

Actually… "Do you know how much ice resistance you have?" I ask her a question!

...She turns to me dryly. "As if I've run the numbers. The cold aids me, so there is that."

I'm gonna say two hundred percent, then. Wait…

I start slipping off my camou-kimono. "Here, yo, wear this…!" I've got an idea!

"What're you doing…?" Maria looks over at us!

Genkan gives me a vain stare. "I'm quite certain I don't want to. Just because this is a quiet moment doesn't mean you may simply spend the time annoying me."

Freakin'... "This thing's _one hundred percent_ ice resistant, yo. And if you get _healed_ by the cold, imagine how much more it'd heal you with an additional hundred percent!"

...She's still giving me a vain stare. "That sounds scientifically impossible." You're a _yuki-onna_ who lives in a cave and doesn't know what robots are. What do you know 'bout science…!?

Once I'm in just my _boxers_ , I cast the kimono aside. "Alright, yo. I think you can probably just slip it on over your current one…"

...Picking it up tele _magically_ , she moves for a different room. "I'll wear one article at a time, thank you very much."

...Would her kimono give me resistance? Does it have any resistance on its own? I feel like characters' innate resistances don't stack with their clothes, for some reason. Or else Reimu should be like two hundred percent holy, among some other examples. If all the heroines swapped outfits, would they become elemental demigods? Life is strange…!

…

Looking over, I meet Maria's stare.

She looks half-amused, but also somewhat comfortable, sitting down on one of the _comfy chairs_.

...A moment later, Genkan comes back!

Aw. The camou-kimono's a little bit of a hard fit, mostly 'cause I don't have a chest area and she _does_. "I feel like a moron." She pouts down at the clothing… "It... somehow feels warmer than my own apparel."

Hmm. Might be the negative heat resist. I mean, if she was fifty percent weak to fire before… she's now _one hundred percent_ weak to fire! And, by my logic, three hundred percent ice resistant.

 _Thunk!_ Crouching down and channeling mana into Hard Winter, I thrust it into the floor!

 _Ka- fwi- fwi- fwi- fwish_. I execute that ice crystals spell! The one where a big crystal forms in my target's torso and starts freezing some of the air around it…

" _Ooh…!_ " Eyes widening, Genkan brings her arms up, the attack jolting energy into her. "Oh my…"

Aw… "Yo, Maria!" I call for some help! "Use freeze on her!"

Having observed the interaction, she gets up too, bringing up her staff as she nears the yuki-onna…

 _Ka- fwi- fwi- fwi- fwish_. I cast again-

" _Freeze!_ " Bringing her staff up, Maria swings it through the air-

 _Fwash!_ A shotgun spread of ice magic whirls out and shatters against the yuki-onna's form.

"Nn- nh…" She holds her hands over her mouth, posture relaxing as she slowly drifts into the air from the repeated ice attacks.

 _Ka- fwi- fwi- fwi- fwish_. Once mo~re…!

 _Fwash!_ "Freeze!" Maria casts one more freeze on 'er!

"Ha- that's- that's enough…" Jittering in the air, Genkan exhales… "I'm-... ad- adequately cold." Brimming with energy again, she lets one hand travel to her cheek while her other arm travels her body…

...Maria lowers her staff-

 _Ka- fwi- fwi- fwi- fwish!_ Becoming lightheaded 'cause my mana's running out, but I'm still castin', yo…!

The repeated freezes catch Genkan by surprise. "Oh- _ohn~!_ " Letting out a moan, she cringes in the air. Her cheeks even gain a little, blue-tinted blush…! "Sto- stop. I- I'm being overstimulated…"

Wahaha! I-

She whirls up and steals the hanger from me. "Gi- give me that…" Aw.

...Unsure what to do with it, she just holds it idly, giving it a vaguely furrowed-brow stare...

"...Ha~h." Exhaling, she seemed to wind back down. "Apparently you _were_ onto something." Relaxing again, she drifts into the air and twirls about. "I feel rejuvenated."

Yo ho ho~! "...I probably shoulda thought 'a that earlier, but y'know, hell on earth." Freakin'... fairy palooza. Soft, cuddleable, and _deadly_.

"Perhaps." Landing on her socks again- apparently she took her sandals off at the door earlier- she nodded. "Still… compared to the usual effects of a snowstorm on my body, that was…"

Amplified resistance, yo. She has so much ice resistance right now, that I could stab her with an ice sword and it'd _heal_ her. Hoh.

...As she looks herself over, I give her an intent stare!

...Why do I feel self-conscious about asking her to cuddle _now?_ Probably because I'm in my _skivvies_. Freakin'-

After a moment, I see her begin to look back up at me- a~nd, I looked away a little too late, good job. "...You're staring, again." Genkan takes note! "...Can I assume you're _still_ looking for that hug?"

Whelp! Gotta commit! "Yeah, yo…" It's freakin'... a little drafty, though! You know, I could-

She drifts towards me slowly... "I suppose you've been patient enough." Getting closer, she raises her arms.

Woah. You know, I don't have my kimono on- I might wanna-

Before I can do anything, the yuki-onna drifts up to me and wraps her arms around me. "Here…"

Pressed against her in a constraining embrace, her arms wrap around me and I feel my own kimono move to bind me. So much for freakin', bracing myself...

Now that we're up close, she adjusts so that my head rests on her shoulder, and vice versa. "Ah…" Her arms shift against my back. "You're warm…"

And you're cold…! Not bone-chillingly, though. Despite pumping 'er up, she feels alright…

Ah. That soothing sensation's kicking in… wait- oh shit-

" _Relax._ " Oo~h. Spoke right into my ear. "I wouldn't hurt you." Ah...

I hear Maria get up from her chair, setting her staff on the table and moving to another room. Da~h…! Where're you goin'...!? Well, this-

Ooh. That soothing, drowsiness inducing feeling began to pulse through my body as Genkan squeezed me…

Her words are soft. "I'll take some warmth…" Oh...

Between the low mana… and running everywhere, and _this…_

Wow.

I chill right the fuck out, allowing my limbs to become weak.

Genkan seems to just be holding me up entirely on her own, so I stop trying to stand, a~nd… allow my legs to relax. My arms are kinda hard to move, but like that time she freakin' whisked me to her cave, I can slide them forward and around her…

Like this, I hug onto her soft body, and press myself into her. Ye~s…

Not gonna lie, being able to just _hold_ a hug like this is awesome. Nothing'd be more immersive...

On an exhale, the softness and the unnaturally pleasant sensation of her embrace hits me.

Deep in a hug with the snow woman, my eyes become heavy…

Genkan leans the side of her head into mine, and I hear her speak. "Sleep."

Wa- wait, I… it's not like the day's…

A- ah...

...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

…

…

Mmrm…

Good morning, world. Now, what- oh. Genkan…

Sitting up, I find myself in the _stuffy bedroom_ , bundled up in all of the blankets.

The window outside reveals that it i~s almost night! Aa~h.

Genkan put me to sleep with her hug. Just the notion of a girl hugging me into oblivion's hot…! It actually happened, too! Dude!

...I'm tempted to do that again. But, y'know, I just slept, and freakin'...

Crawling out of the bed- I~'m still in my skivvies, she just freakin' deposited me into some blankets…

 _Her_ kimono's off in the corner of the room. The only other option looks like the stuffy dresser, but I don't wanna~...

…

Actually… nah, I seem to be the only one in this room right now. Whelp, on with her kimono!

After throwing it on, I realize that it's got a lot more fabric than my body has flesh to hold, and I also realize it's similar to the base version of my camou-kimono. Feels like fifty percent resistance to me…

With the kimono on as well as I can manage- not very- I lumber back into the main room!

...Maria's sitting at one of the comfy chairs with sleepy eyes, and Genkan's a few chairs down.

"Mmm~! Mrm!" ...That _noob_ is stuck to the wall, ice shackling him in place and a patch of frost over his mouth to keep him from yelling.

Genkan's still in my kimono…! "Good morning."

Aw. "Good afternoon, yo." Neither of us are correct!

...I glance over at the drowsy-looking Maria-

"Did you sleep well?" Aw. Genkan asks the fun question.

...This feels like a bad idea, but…! "Can we hug again?" Roll the dice!

She gives me a dry stare. "At this rate, we probably wouldn't get anything done if we did."

Yawning, Maria rubs an eye… "I know it feels good, Brad, but save it for later…"

...I focus on Maria properly! "Wha's gottin' inta _you_ , yo…?"

"She napped as well." Genkan raises from her chair… "With my assistance, that is."

Aa~h. Huh. No wonder she looks out of it. I probably do, too…!

"...You still look half in the bag." Grinning at me, she makes a similar observation…!

Man, if I look anywhere near as wistful and wasted as her, people're gonna mistake us as drunkards on the street…! Which, y'know, may or may not be a good thing, all things considered. 

...You know, I just realized. That window in the back of the room, below the stairs up, is still broken. Also- if all the bedrooms are downstairs, what the fuck is upstairs?

"I've seldom ever used my abilities for recreation…" Genkan admits, drifting into the midst of the room… "Perhaps I should start charging, if it's really so pleasurable."

Aha~h.

...Glancing down at my duds, I look up at 'er. "You mind me borrowin' this…?"

She waves it off. "All our clothes are caked in sweat and filth at this point. It doesn't matter anymore."

...Yeah, s'a good point. We should probably swap just so I can get the most 'a my resistances. I think Genkan can be healed at a slower rate by ice even by default, so…

Also, the things in this stuffy room have gone unmolested for far too long.

"Are you sure we can't talk with the manager of that new bar…?" Maria asks me again, slowly rousing herself into awakeness. "I don't think it'd hurt to just talk with him…"

I grin at her as I near one of the tables in the back 'a the room. "Aah, yeah. Lemme tell _you_ , yo. There's a fifty-fifty that it would indeed hurt just to talk wit' em!" Also, let's see, what's goin' on back here, yo…?

Newspaper stack, some parchment and quills, silly decorative vases… blocks of _wood_ , unlike mine, for some reason.

Aw, newspaper? I wonder what's on the news tonight, dude.

I rotate the paper around to see the front. Aah, Bunbunmaru! I wonder if they've heard about the new U.S. president even over here. Well, it's technically supposed to be twenty fifteen in this universe, so the world hasn't exploded into visible insanity yet. I'm also not supposed to know any of this…!

...Ah, this was- wait, these are daily editions? I don't know what days exactly 'cause the papers are in _Japanese_ and Gensokyo's… apparently in the year a hundred thirty and change.

These papers're also awfully varied in dates…

"I still think you're overplaying his competence." Genkan doubts the killing capability of Matt and his bumfuck brigade…! "Still, if _you_ say we shouldn't…"

Yeah, yo. Searching the house nearby should be fine, though, maybe. Gotta keep our eyes peeled, yo…

Whelp, since I can't... read… weren't these in English at one point? And-

Hold, yo. There _is_ a paper here, in English. Why?

'Thirty-Six Killed in Bad Technology Accident. Foul Play Expected?'

That sounds new. Lemme just…

'Yesterday, at the Guard Headquarters, a tragic accident left thirty- six armed guards dead. Fifteen of those who were inside the complex made it out without any injuries, while two were only minorly injured.'

Oh. Not that new after all. Ah, fuck, that's the one time I killed thirty- six people by accident. Freakin'...

Almost silently, Genkan stalks up to me on her white socks. "Here I thought you couldn't read."

"This issue's in _English_ , fer some reason." I'm pretty sure I glanced over it at some point before, but nnh. I think I'll just skim through it since I know what went down.

"...That happens, on occasion." Genkan tilted her head. "English is a messy language, isn't it?"

Ahah. Well, yeah.

'The outsider, Brad Pantystealer, had this to say:

"I dunno how they initially did it, but they kept her under control with this machine… It had a touchpad, and a ton of tubes that pumped various things into people. Faith, fear, anesthetic…"

Brad Pantystealer, Keine Kamishirasawa, and an unknown anti-Hakurei conspiratist were among those who escaped from this disaster, seen on the cover image above.'

There's a picture of me, Ha-chan and I think Mapleweather, Matt, and Keine booking it from the wreckage. That'd figure, wouldn't it?

...I'm briefly distracted by how Genkan leans over my shoulder to glance over the paper, too.

Pushing in some of our chairs for some reason, Maria looks us over… "How often do you guys read the paper?"

'It seems like the village's security has been making big changes in how it treats youkai, and how it plans to combat them. When questioned, Samuru Saito, the village chieftain, had declared this an "overwhelming embarrassment" and "severe example of deficiency in the management of village security".'

So the chief's Samuru Saito, huh? I'd like to have some words with him!

"Aa~h…" I tilt my head back and forth. "Just now!"

"A handful of times." Genkan admits. "It's largely gossip, and as the tengu distribute two editions, I'm left with the droll gossip rag centered around youkai, for youkai."

I wonder what that paper's like. Actually, what if the English editions are for outsiders like me…? How many others are there? So far, it don't look like much more, but…!

I begin to turn-

"Hold on." Genkan stops me…! Ah.

"...It was one of the few things I had to do." Maria began to approach us, too. "They let me, too. Told me it would be healthy to keep myself informed, among other things…"

"They?" Genkan rose a brow, before moving to turn the page now that she was done reading the article. "Also…" She turned to me with a dry expression. "What did you do…?"

I give 'er a grin…! "Let's just say the base had a destruct sequence I wasn't informed of…!"

Maria doubletook. "Destruct sequence? What're you reading…"

Let's see! Next article...

'Unexplained Murders Explained! It's Not a Youkai?'

Interesting premise!

"I have a feeling no one believed that." Genkan regarded the title dryly…

'Before we get into the details, for those who just want the info, the killer is a human named Matt, with brown hair, and pale skin. His weapon of choice is scissors, and he has been declared dangerous.'

Oh. _Oh_.

Looking over my _other_ shoulder, Maria sees the article. "...Oh, wow. _That_ issue. You _would_ jump straight to that one..."

It's like one 'a the three English newspapers of the stack 'a fifty!

'Yesterday, at the Hakurei Shrine, Youmu Konpaku was seeking a certain shrine maiden to help her bring a criminal to justice. While the shrine maiden was out presumably partying it up, Youmu patiently waited at the shrine. When approached, she was glad to comment and share what she knew regarding the mysterious crimes.'

He pissed off Youmu? No shit…

Let's see~... some of Youmu talking about him, Aya heckled _Remilia_ for some reason-

Wait.

'Needless to say, she wasn't very helpful. Looking for further information, I contacted the families of the deceased. Unfortunately, Mark didn't have a family to question, but his deceased girlfriend, Sally Yamada, had a daughter eligible for questioning.

Maria Yamada was upset. "He… he killed my mom. He killed Mark. I… I lost my entire family. I'm living with my... grand- whoever. I don't even know these people! I want my family back! I want my life back..."

This crushing loss dealt a serious, traumatic blow to Yamada. I then went to grand uncle Kirisame for more comment.

"I'm gonna kill him." He grinned. "When I see him, that is."

Shrine maiden Reimu Hakurei responded to this situation, by saying she would "confront the one responsible".

Matt is an outsider, who arrived in Gensokyo a while ago.

Honest and True Reporter, Aya Shameimaru.'

…

There's a _little more_ to this situation than I'd've bargained for…!

Genkan sighed. "...I suppose that'd answer my question."

I raise a brow at 'er. What question, yo…?

She reads my expression. "She spoke of a 'they', which seems to be the family she's placed in now."

...Looking over at the guy she slapped onto the wall, she tilted her head. "This breaking and entering seems more justified, now."

"It- it was awhile ago…" Maria looks to the side, treading towards the door. "You guys don't have to feel bad about it, o- or anything. It… feels like forever ago to me, anyway…"

A~nd it's all Matt's fault, by some unholy cosmic needle-threading bullshittery. Goddamn it, son…! Crossed into an entirely different plain of existence, and yer _still_ testing my patience when it comes to this shit…! Except this time you actually _killed_ dudes! Again!

When I first heard he was killin' dudes, I was kinda indifferent. Didn't really mean anything to me. Well, life comes at 'cha fast apparently, 'cause now it means a little more!

...Damn.

I look back down at the paper.

'Communal Fluff Dust Bath'

Ahahaw~! Dude, they're digging little dusty holes and nuzzling each other…!

"We should move before it's completely dark out." Disinterested in the communal fluff dust bath, Genkan parted from my shoulder.

Man, she needs to wear tighter kimonos more often… albeit not camoflauge, since that does an okay job of hiding her features. She smells nice, too. A lot of girls smell nice, but she also smells nice!

"Yeah, yo." Guess I'm just walking around in Genkan's thing for the moment! "That house between Golden Grin and freakin'... 'Small Packages' innit? We should stop there 'n' look around."

Before Maria can even hum in confirmation, Genkan gives me a dry stare…! " _Small Packages?_ "

...Lookin' over at her, I grin and nod! "Small Packages, yo. They prostitute people."

"...Great." Genkan moves for the door out…! "Let me get my sandals."

"I haven't gone there in awhile…" Maria gets herself hyped a little…! "I think I can go back now, though."

Ho ho~. Movin' to follow her and Genkan out-

"Mmh!" Oh. That _noob's_ still tied up. Aa~h, we'll probably come back and… maybe free him. Or feed him. Or maybe he'll just become one of those gags where the scene cuts back to him at the end of an event to show him still there and forgotten about. Speaking of scene cutting-

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 73

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Robot Demolisher, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Factory Disassembler, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Has Forgotten What Half of These Titles Stood For, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Hard Winter - A earth/ice-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice! Allows the user to cast Ice Shard. Extends combo length by one artificially. Allows the user to jump out out of combos smoothly, and leave frost in their trail.

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I _would_ like to know where it actually _puts_ all my stuff though…

==o==

WEAPONS:

Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! It better, with a name like 'Swordbreaker'. Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! May cast Flash, an attack that blinds; works best on darkness elementals and youkai. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can cast Gust. By the addition of a steel block, its attack and magic attack increased slightly. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites stuff on impact. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle, allowing the user to cast Flamethrower Plus! Allows the user to cast Fume.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Can produce limitless fresh water. Boosts the power of water skills. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style; physical attack increased, physical defense lowered. User bleeds out faster. Can cast Revenge, an attack that increases in power the lower the user's health is. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to let it cut!

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Lowers defense slightly. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger is slightly electric and holy elemental. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy…

==o==

ARMOR:

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Seventy-five percent time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!

Yuki-onna Kimono - Genkan's stock kimono. It's a little big on me, and smells like wet. Fifty percent ice resistance, probably debuffs fire and burning resist to some degree.

Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! Fifty percent sun resistance, one hundred percent freezing and blinding resistance. Also gives immunity to electrical stunning. It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.

Lunarian Prototype Space Suit - A suit meant for combat in deep space. So far, it's only got the whole 'exist in deep space' part down…! _One hundred percent_ electric resistant. One hundred percent freezing resistant. Has an oxygen tank, but that's only useful if you wear the helmet to go along with it. Randomly casts Zero Gravity when it feels like it.

Lunarian Prototype Deep Space Helmet - It's a freakin' helmet. Fifty percent blinding resistant! When worn with the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit, it also confers immunity to burning and poison, along with _another_ one hundred percent electricity resistance. Yo…!

Testing Oxygen Tank - The oxygen tank used by the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit. Lasts for two and a half minutes! Not meant to actually be used outside of testing, but it's possible. Refills automatically in breathable air.

MP Prize Pin - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field. For awhile only the user(s) of this badge may pick them up, but after a grace period anyone can. Extends prize grabbing range!

Sun Badge - Fifteen percent sun resistance when equipped. Fifty percent resistance to blinding and electrical stunning. Replaces the on-impact effect of all weapons with Sunfire Flare when worn.

==o==

CONSUMABLES/OTHER:

Forty-one thousand, two hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!

Four Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Mega Potion - Youkai-like regen for thirty seconds… except for the whole family! Applies to entire party. Good for when we all suck at life!

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Three Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on _debuffs_ , though...

Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and _then_ I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Hina's Bad Luck Talisman - I remembe~r! Upgrades a weapon to debuff luck on strike and stuff!

Rope of Red Bikinis - Wahaha! Gonna getcha, son!

Sacred Eagle Feather - A gift from a rambler. It's… sentimental, I think? Help.

Some Fancy Key - A key lent to me by Brittany. Wha- why. What's it for…!?

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I _really_ have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

==o==

Genkan, the Yuki-onna - A bitter yuki-onna from Gensokyo's wildlands, mostly active in the winter, and on particularly cold days. Heals from ice damage. Commands powerful control over frost, and has a wide variety of ice-affinity attacks. Weak to fire and burning.

SKILLS:

Ice Control - Freely use ice to make stuff.

Freeze - Instantly freezes one to two enemies. Low chance of working on stronger foes.

Creaking Freeze - Generates a spinning, magic snowflake in an enemy's body, which instantly freezes them after a moment. High accuracy.

Glacier - Erects a massive blade of ice from the ground, dealing incredible physical ice damage.

Triple Glacier - See above, but on three enemies! As such, costs triple the mana!

Ice Spin - Spins and lashes out with chilling frost. Probably just an extension of her normal frost powers and not an actual skill…

Other Skills - Probably has more spells, but freakin'... I dunno her like a textbook!

INVENTORY:

Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means _business, son_. _One hundred percent_ ice resistance, and as such renders one immune to all magical ice damage. Dunno 'bout icicles and stuff, though. Fifty percent freeze resistance… not that freezing will hurt with this thing on. Fifty percent dark resistance. Negative fifty percent fire and burning resistance. Hopefully hides you a bit when navigating in the freakin' brush...

Money - Apparently.

I dunno - What would I~ have if I was a sexy ice woman?

[unknown spaces remaining]

==o==

Maria, the Actually Ordinary Magician - A villager from the human village. Used to run the most impoverished bar ever, but that fell under or something. Really low self-esteem! No known resistances or weaknesses. Can cast basic elemental spells!

INVENTORY:

Wood Staff - Good for bonking things!

Raggedy Clothing - Low quality, old clothes from the village. Keeps her covered.

[Travel Bag] - Inventory that exists! Does not take up inventory because it is inventory. Eight slots.

Two Mana Potions - Guess wha~t? It heals, except mana!

[six spaces remaining]

==o==

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

this was a VARIED CHAPTER

had a lot of ACTION in the beginning, although ironically the incident is already over now since TH16 (like many incidents) took place over the course of one day - w -

threw us back into the village to do some more EXPLORING and tie up some LOOSE ENDS

genkan's cuddly dude - w -

perhaps we might actually get some things done in the village now that the incident is over and my guy has begun to see enough screwed up things

but we'll see yo

writing intimate-y scenes is weird with my guy's level of not giving a shit but - w -

i've actually known about hina's talisman since starting this batch but haven't had a good moment for my guy to go "oh shit that existed". added it to inventory this chapter anyway though

lewd scene pacing is always weird and you can guarantee it's gonna be cringy to someone somewhere (although that's still half the point - w - )

once you get some rhythm to it though and you let yourself get immersed though, yo… it's a high like no other - w - (although i wouldn't know since i've never done drugs).

that and not really like it's fully applied here either since i'm never putting a sex scene in the main body of this fic

satelite lemon fics? aaah, if there were any, they'd be by not-me people, for the sake of tracking and things. i can just kinda rattle this off here since i doubt anyone more prim and proper would read freakin' _a million words of this_ XD

as always, see you next time!


	93. The Man with Trafficking for a Head

(MAAHAA HAAAHNNNNH) (by that i mean MATT CHAPTER)

...I step back into the bar, as the drunk girls depart. Sakuya has demanded that I make one million yen in a month, it seems. Considering I've only been here about a month as is, that seems like a relatively generous time. Still, one million yen.

While I was meandering back up to the front counter to resituate myself, Vanilla sighed. "Some of those guys were giving me a _weird stare_ when I sold a, um, session…"

Hmm. Well, they were drunk, so they probably won't care. It's not like Brad would care much, either.

...Glancing back, I see the green-haired Aiko Kuro romp back into the store from behind me. "Alright…" Taking a breath to compose her voice, she continued. "I've fetched your alcohol. I would like my bounty." She's currently clad in a very rough-looking business suit. Rough as in half of it is missing, but that's probably not the point.

Reaching into my pockets, I drew the yen she desired. Two thousand six hundred should cover a cheapo robbery.

She accepts it. "Pleased to do business."

Seems she's fine with that.

…Right, I should probably explain why she's here now, for those unaware. I found her again on the streets the other day, and it appeared cash was one of the languages she spoke.

Anyway, it'll probably be a few moments for customers to trickle back in. People usually aren't eager to stick around those four, I take it.

Looking over at Aiko again, I ask her a question. "Are you good for another run?"

...Folding her arms, she rolls her eyes. "A fifth heist today would break the bank, I'm _fairly_ certain. I'm sure by sun up, they'll have guards placed in precariously annoying locations. I'd rather not make a bloodbath out of peddling cheap booze, either. Not until this village is better destabilized."

...That might be a no, I take it.

...After a few moment of silence, she makes for the back door. "I'll meander back here in a day or two's time. I'm sure you won't run _these_ many bottles dry before then."

Are you certain about that. Oh, well.

I watch the _eight sheathed katanas_ on her back as she pushes the back door open, meandering outside. Oh, right, we reinstalled the back door, at some point.

"Go on in." _There's_ the customers.

"A' right, wha' the fuck is this place…"

Glancing up, I see Albus skulking back in, with a stout magely kid beside him. It seems he's brought Fred along, this time.

...Upon entering, Fred glanced over at his friend. "Mate, I know you're on a post-career alcoholic binge ta tha' grave, but y'don't need to spend your final days _here_ of all places…"

Albus gives him a dour stare, before continuing forward to the main counter. "It's only my second day."

"Yeah- that's what they all say." Shaking his head, Fred followed him. "I swear, if the obituaries read that you were found dead in 'ere, I'm 'onna piss on your grave."

...Once they reach the counter, they quickly sit next to one another.

"U- uhm…" Vanilla starts to speak-

Fred only just now sees her, and his jaw drops. "Wh- whah…!?"

...His outburst passed, Vanilla continues. "What would you both like…?"

...Fred looks around, before meeting my masked gaze.

"Something that's actually _beer_ today." Albus requested. "If you give me any more of that sugar water shit, I'm gonna be pissed."

"Ri- right away…" Vanilla went to go fetch one of our cheaper bottles…

Fred's still staring at me. "Are- are you for fookin' real?" I've got a feeling he remembers me.

Albus looks over at him. "What's up?"

...Shaking his head, Fred sighs. "Bloody, nothin'. Today's gonna be a real shit one, innit? Naked girl, gimme the hard stuff."

"Okay…" Setting down Albus's drink, she moves to fetch Fred's…

...Sitting up, Albus looks over his bottle, studying the different design.

As Vanilla sets the second bottle down, she struggles to bring an arm over the counter. "Thousand yen per bottle…"

"Better be what they cost this time." Albus plaps his coins down, before uncorking the bottle…

Fred provides his own funds, too. "The hell was that about sugar water…?"

...Looking over at Albus, Fred saw him already gulping down the beer. "Ah, the fuck, man."

"Go on in." Another customer, it seems.

...Some girl clad in thick, navy blue rags takes short but heavy steps inside. Her hair is similarly colored, messy, going down past her rear.

"Mrm…" Bringing a hand to her chin, she gazes around receptively at the emptiness of the bar, before sighting the counter. "Ah…"

Stepping up to it and nodding, she makes for one of the empty seats. There are already bags under her eyes, and her gaze seems curiously out there.

Deliberately sitting down, she looks up, sighting our practically naked bartender loli. "...Oh."

"Wh- what do you, um, want?" Vanilla met her tired gaze sheepishly.

"...Some water." The tired girl decides. "I didn't know this was going to be one of _those_ places." Looking away, she stares at a nearby wall. "I'm sure it won't matter…"

...Fred sets his bottle down, glancing over at her. Then, he double takes. "Oh, shit..."

...The tired girl glances over at him, before glancing away immediately.

...Looking back at his bottle, Fred smiled. "Today might not be so shit after all."

Albus gave him a vain stare.

... _Click!_ The girl seems to snap her fingers just under the counter, for some reason. "There…"

I hear footsteps upstairs. It sounds like the interaction proceeded smoothly.

Vanilla comes up to me. "...We- we don't have water."

...In the next moment, a blue-haired woman in a light blue dress floats through the wall nearest the girl. She seems to furrow her brows at the interior, looking around with a skeptical gaze.

The navy-haired girl seems to notice, but pretends she didn't notice the abnormality.

"I may've told you to find a _dump_ …" The woman sat next to the navy-haired friend of hers like she didn't just float through the wall. "I didn't mean literally."

"It's quiet enough…" Her friend whispered to her, despite the floaty girl talking normally. "The only other person here's that failed youkai hunter…"

"You could afford to _actually whisper_." Albus barks back across the counter.

Fred looks over at her. "Honey- what about me?"

The navy-haired woman looked over at him. "...Well, you're only a child, so…"

Fred looks crushed. "The fuck do you _mean_ I'm only a child!? I've got a _bottle_ here! I'm a youkai hunter, too- Fred!"

...The woman just looks ahead, letting the protest roll off her.

"Youkai hunters, hmm?" The woman with shorter, lighter blue hair speaks up. "I'm glad there aren't any spooky _youkai_ around here. I'm sure you two would recognize one in a heartbeat."

"Y'can fookin' _bet_." Fred gave her a grin. "I ran a scryin' spell 'fore I came in here. Not a single youkai."

...Is that so. Well, if you're certain.

"I- I still need water…" Vanilla begs me for liquid ice.

I glance down at her. "Go see Shikome and make some or something, then."

...She clenches her fists in actual frustration. "Wh- how? C'mon- you can _make_ water…! These're _your_ customers, aren't they…!?"

...But, how am I-... right, nearly forgot about my water scissors, somehow. Good on me.

Slipping an empty bottle from the shelves nearby, I hold it under the counter, slide out the scissors from a place on the shelves nearby, and start streaming the liquid in…

The blue-haired woman stares at the counter as if she was simply staring at me fill the bottle of water through it. Probably because she was.

That guy and the commissar begin to step down from the pile of disorganized plywood in the back of the room. "You're a real champ. Don't let anyone tell ya otherwise!" The unassuming looking guy ruffles the short maid's hair on the way down.

The commissar doesn't respond, simply giving him a firm stare.

...Oh, the bottle's overflowing. Whoops.

Bringing the bottle above the table, I set it before the navy-haired woman. "Here you go. One hundred yen."

She places the coins down for me to accept.

...After a moment, the commissar slowly meanders around towards the counter again.

...Fred looks up at him, and furrows his brows.

Glancing over at him, Albus discreetly lets him in on a secret. "Some prostitute. They run a thing here."

"Ah? Yeah- figured as much. Just…" Fred looks like he can't quite place something.

As the commissar gets behind the counter, I see the navy-haired girl's eyes lock on him.

...Her friend's eyes scan her, before gaining a dry expression.

Vanilla gets around to the floaty girl. "Um… what would you like?"

"Ah…" The girl looks down at her, before smirking. "Your strongest, if you would please. Or wine, but I doubt you carry that."

She's not wrong. We should have some hard things, though. I think. Outside of the obvious cheapo stuff, our premium are unsorted random crap Aiko happened to pick up on the way.

...Stepping up, I take one of the shiny looking bottles from the higher shelves, and set it down before her. "Two thousand six hundred yen." I give her the price.

Nodding, she lifts an arm-

The bills and coins drift from her pocket and onto the counter, and she grabs the bottle with the same arm.

"Ah- uh~m…" The navy-haired woman glances over at me, then over at the commissar. "You're the manager, right?"

"Sure." I'm pretty sure I know where this is going.

"He's cute…" Her gaze is still on the commissar. She makes a half-hearted attempt at looking discreet, but her eyes and manner are anything but. "I want him."

"Twenty-five thousand an hour." I inform her.

"Aa- aah…" With wide eyes, she sits up, and pulls a small black coin purse from her left pocket. "Ex- expensive…"

Yeah, illegal activity does that.

...She goes on a treasure hunt for money within her pouch, dispensing her findings in segments. "Fi- five thousand… twelve thousand… twenty-two…"

Furrowing her brows, she starts to abuse the purse. "Da- dammit, the one day I remembered to deposit my money…"

The blue-haired woman next to her places down the remaining three thousand. "Not that it's entirely wise to be carrying twenty-two thousand on its own, in this town."

"A- ah…" Blinking at the money, the woman pans her wide-eyed gaze to her friend. "Tha- thank- thank you, Kaku-sama! Thank you!"

"Make that _hour_ count." 'Kaku' smirked at her. "Don't forget what I told you, however. If you died now, that'd simply be anticlimactic, and I'd have to kill somebody for no good reason."

"Ah- yes, yes…" Getting up impatiently, the curvy navy-haired woman began moving to the plywood 'stairs'. "Co- come here…!" She whisper-shouts over the counter as she navigates around it.

...The commissar gives her a curious stare as she navigates around.

Once she's around, she pats on her thigh and stands before the right exit to the counter. "Come he- here, little boy…"

"Boy…?" Fred focuses on the commissar again. "Gods dammit…"

...I look over at the commissar, and watch him drag his feet as he follows the obsessed-looking woman.

"Ah- aah…!" As he nears her, she lays her hands on his shoulders, leaning over him and sticking to his back. "Yo- you-... you look so soft…"

Well. Have fun.

...As they progress up the plywood pile, I look over at this 'Kaku' individual.

She's smiling at me. "If anything happens to her, you're next."

Oh. But I don't wanna be next. "I'm sure those two will get along just fine."

Snorting, she starts to uncork her bottle. "Good, good…"

...Glancing out the front door, I can see that the day's likely at noon.

Setting down his empty bottle, Albus slaps another thousand down. "Mo~re." In response, Vanilla moves to get another bottle…

...Fred's not even a third done with his bottle.

"Go on in." Oh, more people.

...Some generic villager looking guys, who go to take a seat at one of the outer tables. Vanilla moves to respond to their entry...

"You're carrying quite a few… enchanted objects." 'Kaku' examines me idly. "It seems slightly out of place for you to be behind a counter."

I'm sure.

…

Tilting her head back, she takes some greedy gulps of her booze. "Mmh…"

 _Clack_. Swiftly, she sets the bottle back down. "Woo~. Tha~t's pretty alright, actually." She glances up at me, rotating the bottle around so that I could see the front label. "...Would you happen to know the brand?"

...It's Japanese, for one thing. It might also be beer. It's made with liquid, that much is certain.

...After a moment, I give her my best guess. "Japanese liquid alcohol."

…

"You tried." Nodding, she rotates the bottle back around, reading the label herself. "You don't even know Japanese, then."

"I dropped out of school." I inform her. "The tribulations of an academic life were beyond me."

She glances back up from the bottle, meeting my eyes. "...You've dirtied your hands faster than most. It's almost funny."

Looking vaguely left out, Fred turns to us with an annoyed expression. "The hell're you two talking about, now?"

...Slowly, Kaku panned her head to him. "Evil person things. Still upset you didn't get to flirt up my cohort?"

" _Yes._ " Fred lays an arm down on the counter. "She was a total _babe!_ I'd let 'er do me for _free!_ "

Grinning, Kaku focused on him more intently. "You know, there's a lot of youkai outside these walls who'd gladly deliver such service."

"Yeah- very funny." Fred glares at her. "As if _you'd_ know what it's like t'be all pent up."

Snorting, Kaku focused on her own bottle. "Aha~h. Yes, that stage of my life is just a little far gone, you could say."

…

"An', y'know, it's not like I don' _have_ a girl…" Fred starts speaking for no reason. "But… she's still got a little ways to go, yeah? An' we only met a few weeks ago, so s'like-"

"Sounds like the perfect couple." Kaku finished sipping from her bottle. "You look like you're fourteen."

"Fuck you." Fred didn't appreciate the jeer. "And- and you're not hot shit yourself, y'know? You look like… you look like yer thirty!"

"Why thank you." Kaku gives him a well-timed smile. "Then again, I hear quite often that I look a few years under my age."

...Fred looks done. "Fuck."

Albus is nearly done with his new bottle. "Y'should buy some _stilts_ , Fred. Actually- ain't there a spell for that, er' some shit?"

Fred seethes. "...No, Albus, there is _not_ a spell for that, I'm pretty damn sure."

...As Fred stares at Albus, Kaku looks him over, before bringing a hand up and making a single wave-

"Ah- _woah!_ " Suddenly, Fred's ejected from his chair, two glowing blocks of wood erecting and expanding beneath him. "Ho- huwoah- _shit!_ "

Thu- thud. He fell backwards unceremoniously, landing on the ground some feet away from the counter. "Aah- gods _dammit!_ "

"Pfft- hahahaha~!" Albus has a hearty laugh at his expense. "Ap- apparently there _is_ a spell for it!"

"Shut the _fuck up!_ " Fred points his partially spilt bottle at him-

Fwi- fwish. The stilts vaporize into cyan mist as the stout mage starts to get back up. "Bloody _hell…_ "

Stumbling back up to the counter, he glares at me. "Fookin'- you're the barkeeper, yeah? Y'gonna fuckin' _do something_ about tha'?" He gestures to Kaku for emphasis.

"She paid more than you." I shrug.

...Looking back and forth between me and her, Fred points a finger at the woman. "Let's 'ave a fookin' duel, cunt."

Kaku smirks at him, withholding further amusement. "I wouldn't want to dim the candle of a blooming young magic practitioner. Not when I'm simply here in passing, at least. Come to me at a classier joint, and I may answer your death wish."

...Red-faced, but vaguely intimidated, Fred looks around, before opting to take his seat again. "Fooki~ng… don't 'ave my staff on me right now anyways. I'll remember that." Fred will remember that.

…

With that, everyone returns to drinking their respective drinks.

Albus taps the counter, depositing another thousand. "Need anothe~r."

...Scurrying back behind the counter, Vanilla moves to get him some more of the cheap stuff.

/ / / / GO AHEAD, MISTA JUOHSTE~R / / / /

It seems that evening is beginning to set in…

"Fucking, seriously mate…" Fred is only halfway through his one bottle still. "I think it's time ta stop…"

Albus is leaned against the counter, six bottles next to him. "Mrhh. I- I, I'm goohd…"

"No ya ain't, ya fuckin' asshole." Fred latches an arm to his shoulder.

The commissar was down here once again, still blushing from that previous encounter. It seems he likes our female clients more. Not that we have an abundance.

Both those girls had left shortly after the navy-haired one was done with him.

...In other news, the outer tables have begun to fill up with random nobodies, considering what time of day it is.

"Go on in." Oh, look, more people.

...Looking up, I watch Byakuren march inside. Oh.

She lays her pseudo-carefree gaze on me. It was a matter of time, I suppose.

...Once she approaches the counter, Vanilla gets behind it and moves to address her. "Um- what'll you have?"

Byakuren simply gives the vampire a glance, then looks up at me.

...I move from my passive spot against the back wall to talk with her. "What do you want?"

"I've come to set things right." She starts to bear a light frown. "These few days, I've been skeptical towards my involvement. But, considering the place you've brought these girls… I don't doubt that you're a sick man."

Took you long enough.

"Where are the others?" She questions me, laying her arms down on the counter. "If you've sold them…"

Cre- creak. The counter begins to groan from the force she exerts.

"Who?" I raise a brow.

"I remember seeing Rumia and that dark youkai with you." Byakuren presses. "I don't see them here."

"One is literally in front of you." I inform her.

...Byakuren sighs. "Stop making this difficult. That child coated in blood, where is she?"

Fred's staring at our exchange like we're mental. "Wha~t the fuck…"

...Right. "Don't you have radar on her?" I'm pretty sure that's how that holy stone works, because she couldn't find us otherwise.

"...Mmm." Byakuren simply hums. "What of Rumia, then?"

"Flew to Narnia or something." I'm becoming annoyed with her interrogation.

...She seems to accept this answer, because she doesn't press on it further. "I'd like to see you set these children free."

Her eyes begin to scan my cohorts, before resting on the commissar…

Hmm.

…

I reach for the shelves. "Beer? On the house."

"I do not drink." Byakuren denies. "But thank you." ...Her gaze is still on the commissar.

Hmm.

Vanilla speaks up. "...Ho- honestly, I… don't really mind it, here."

Byakuren focuses on her, now…

...Feeling put on the spot, Vanilla clams up. "We- well, like, um… the- they take good care of me here, and… I'm fed, and bad things don't happen to me."

Her response seems to puzzle Byakuren. "...Genuinely? And, what about you?" She looks up at the commissar. "You, there. In the cute maid uniform." 'Cute'.

...He just anxiously staggers about, before looking away.

"Please, don't worry." Byakuren calls out to him. "There's no need to be afraid."

...Skeptical, and scared of the situation, the commissar responds, but doesn't meet her gaze. "Why not?"

...Byakuren blinks. "Hmm?"

"Wh- why should I not… be afraid?" Looking over at me, the commissar glares, tears beginning to stream from his eyes. "I- I can't be anything else, an- anymore…"

Hmm. One positive and one negative review shouldn't condemn me.

I look up at Byakuren, only to find her giving me an honest glare.

"What did he do to you?" She doesn't take her gaze off of me.

"Nn…" The commissar's face is red, and he looks confused. "...Nothing."

" _What_ did he do to you?" Byakuren presses again. "I can protect you."

...This time, he remains silent.

"I can only protect you if you let me!" Byakuren beckons for a lifeline. "Please..."

Fred looks around, eyebrows raised. "Am I in a fookin' play or somethin'...?"

…

I think I've got an idea.

Moving from the back of the bar, I step up to the counter before Byakuren. "I think we can make a deal."

...She looks _very_ eager to lash out verbally, but withholds herself, willing to listen.

"Vanilla." I request the vampire loli's aid. "Have I mistreated any of my _other_ … girls?" Not that I really own Shikome or Rumia, but by this monk's terms…

"I- I don't think so." Vanilla shook her head. "...Rumia eats well and is happy, and Shikome seems like she could kill you if she wanted to."

I nod at her answer.

Byakuren's frowning, but not reinforcing it quite as deeply as before. "...But you've mistreated that _boy_ over there." Byakuren can tell that he's a trap, it seems.

...Well he never said _no._ But, for persuasion's sake… "Sure. Guilty as charged. And, I'll let you have him."

Byakuren blinks at me.

"For an exchange." I reveal.

"You believe you can barter away your guilt?" Byakuren tilted her head at me, giving me a fake smile. "Your wrongdoing cannot be sold."

That so. "But, it is simple." I reinforce the exchange idea from a different angle. "You simply bring me someone else to replace him."

...Byakuren's gaze hangs on me, unblinking.

"And some money as compensation." I tack that on, too.

"Why should I do as you say?" She narrows her eyes at me.

"We're just working at a bar making an honest living, making people happy." I supply to her.

"It spreads fatigue and rot to an already dying community." Byakuren counters. "You do no good."

No good? That's slightly far. "It's their choice to come, not mine."

"This establishment simply further propagates this village's lost identity and morale." Byakuren argues. "It being here and run in such a way is a blight."

Fred unsurely inserts his two cents. "I mean, e'rryone needs a bottle 'a beer now an' then…"

Byakuren whips her head over to him. "And I suppose Albus needs one more?"

...Shaking his head, Fred stares ahead. "...Never said I was good a' arguing…"

"We simply make due with what we have. And losing a worker would be a major blow to the business." I supply. Now that I think about it, this is a good angle. "The only clear-cut moral objection is that he," I gesture to the commissar, "is unsatisfied with his work environment. If we had someone… fit for the job, then there would be no dilemma."

…

"What do they make you do?" Byakuren focuses on him again.

He's turned around, facing the wall and hanging his head.

…

She seems to shift to get a clearer view of him, stepping closer to Fred as she does so…

...Fred glances over at her, and rests his gaze on her breasts. "...Say, uu~h… could ya~... like-"

 _Pap_. Byakuren pushes him aside, her palm to his cheek. "Ah- dammit…"

"...Young one." Byakuren calls out to him. "Please, face me."

...Turning around, he does.

...

Byakuren spends like a minute or so simply staring at him. "What is your name?"

…

"Cu-... Cutie-chan." He refuses to keep his eyes on her. "I'm Cutie-chan, now."

Eyebrows raised, Byakuren seems to have slightly twitched at that.

"What… have they done to you?" Bringing her arms together, the nun brings them over her chest.

"An able individual and three hundred thousand yen." I give her my bargain bin deal.

…

Reaching into her pocket, Byakuren sighs. " _Fine_. I'll… make a deal. But..." Meeting my gaze, she gains a chiding expression. "I'd like to add a few terms."

Depends. "...What terms?"

"I'm free to review this place again at a later date." Byakuren argues. "I'll give you the money upfront… but I'll want to bring _him_ with me." She points at the commissar. "Your _individual_ will be stationed outside the bookstore on the main street towards the Hakurei. You may acquire them there, tomorrow from noon to evening. If you do not acquire them by that time, it's out of my hands. If there are any casualties, you will be held accountable." Casualties…?

 _Cla-clack_. She places a wealth of bills and coins on the counter.

...I place my hands on the money. "Sounds good. I expect you to follow through."

As I accept the money, Byakuren moves around the counter…

Almost confused, the commissar just looks around anxiously, unsure what to do as she rounds the wood counter to approach him.

Once she reaches him-

 _Thud_. She swoops down and engulfs him in her arms, lifting him up and pressing him to her chest. "You're safe now."

"Wh- ah…?" He's still kind of mixed about everything, apparently.

With that, Byakuren moves to leave, the stout commander engulfed in her arms.

…

"Ma~n…" Fred shakes his head, staring at his two-thirds empty bottle. "This is some _fucking_ beer."

"Need another?" I offer him more drinkage.

"Fuck no." Grinning, he shakes his head. "Does weird shit to you, mate. Wha' was that saying, again? 'May you live in interesting times'? Yeah, well these beers're _interesting times_ … 'cept in _beer form_."

...Speaking of beer form, Albus seems to have passed out on the counter.

...Looking over at him, Fred sighs. "Fuck me~, mate. Alright- that's enough. Time ta get your ass outta here…"

Standing up, he moves to try and drag his friend-

 _Thud_. He ends up pushing Albus out of the stool, before proceeding to just drag him by an arm. "Fuckin'- alright, c'mon now, easy does it…"

/ / / / CRY OUT ALL YOUR EYES OR WIN A NEW FORTUNE / / / /

It's now later that evening. Since we're down one employee, we'll simply have to make due with what we have available.

"I'll take another." Random generic villager number twenty-eight, this one sitting at the bar counter, raised his arm for another bottle.

Wordlessly, I hand it over to him, and accept the money he had laid down on the counter.

Traffic's been good this evening, but the majority of customers have just wanted to drink so far. One guy came in looking for the commissar, who I had to unfortunately turn down.

...Panning my gaze up, I see Vanilla bustling about the bar floor, moving to take orders and deliver bottles.

"Go on in." Another of many customers waltzes in, this one clad in a maroon and brown gi, an eyepatch over his left eye for whatever reason…

...As he enters, it seems he's intent on progressing towards the counter.

Once he's at the counter, I await his order…

"So _this_ is the place I heard about…" He speaks over the low murmur of the guests throughout the bar behind him. "They call this 'hiding in plain sight', yes?"

Sure.

...Scanning me, he seems to grin at my outfit. "This some kind of costume party place? 'Cause it doesn't really look like anyone else got the memo..."

"Are you going to order anything?" As nice as it is to be heckled by some random guy...

"Ah…" He glances up, then at the shelf in contemplation. "...I believe I'll ta~ke… I don't know, about fifty-five thousand yen in property tax?"

Oh, okay. "Did you say something?"

"Normally tax on a two-story business is about forty-two thousand…" He shifts his posture, leaning onto the counter leisurely. "Give or take the taxes on doors, furniture, type of wood, blah blah blah. Rates're a little higher for _unestablished_ businesses, if you catch my drift. Exclusive to the industries that thrive off that sorta thing."

...Right. "I'm sure you're not a very able scammer with a well-thought-out cover story."

The man grins wider. "Had a scouter here the other week, that really fluffy posh asshole. Ring any bells?"

...Yes no maybe. "And I'm sure simply giving you the money would be a good idea."

"Okita Soji, Chief Financial Officer of the village." He gives me a nod. "Feel comfortable now?"

This village has those positions? "...Never heard of you before."

"You've heard of me now." He counters. "Loo~k, I'll even hang around and buy a few drinks. It'd suck if I just had to _take_ the money. I'm pretty sure we could do without that." Panning his gaze to the left, he sees the plywood pile. "If you can pay it, that is."

"What i~f…" I ask him a question. "I couldn't?"

"Well, then the village guard kicks you out, or I kick you out." He delivers bluntly. "...You haven't been rude to me yet, so I'm certain the guard would escort you out peacefully."

...Hrrm. "Is there any way to not pay?"

"No." He shakes his head at me, grinning wider.

...Well then.

...Taking out the yen, I place it on the counter. "I suppose it's a good thing I have the money."

"I suppose it is, too." Giving me another nod, he moves to quickly scoop up the money. "Pleasure doing business. If you're ever asked to comply with a property investigation…"

Slipping a small card from his gi, he places it on the counter. "Show 'em this."

I see.

...Once he's slipped away most of the money, he looks up at me. "So how much for a drink again?" Furrowing his brows, he looks at our disorganized shelves. "...I'm very certain you were just lent whatever beer looked like beer and put it on the shelf."

Placing five thousand yen on the counter, he points at one of the shiny bottles I'd placed on the very top shelf. "I'll take that Kugo brand stuff. Shame you only have one bottle, but a grab bag's a grab bag…"

I move to get him his bottle…

...Once he gets it, he nods. "Thank you."

/ / / / ROLLING CORN LOAVES / / / /

…

O~kay…

With all the grace of a plywood board, I roll out of that sleeping bag on the second floor…

A new day is here. And, with it, more booze.

Normally it's ass cold when I wake up, but now it's just cold. Mildly cold. Hardly cold…

Standing up, I crack and stretch my limbs, stumbling about until I'm more aware. The upper window betrays gentle, sunny light outside.

Right, need to wake up. Aiko should roll around sooner or later, and when she does I'll have to set up that kidnapping job. I should also have her kidnap me a proper bed…

...I look over at the door to my left.

Rumia seems to be standing on a wall on the inside, meanwhile Shikome's simply sitting down and staring at a different wall. Vanilla seems to still be asleep, sprawled out on the floor near her. Maybe the loli room could use any furniture at all. Maybe I'll give them this sleeping bag when I'm done with it.

I begin to move for the plywood slip and slide. Hopefully I don't actually slip and slide on the way down…

...In cautious anticipation, I proceed down the plywood in a position ready to slide onto my ass, except I don't. That's even better.

Down here, there's what looks like a fairy jumping on one of the outer tables. "Hup…! And, hu~p! Nnn~... hup!" She's got a cream-colored outfit, and short white hair. That's nice.

Moving to the front counter on impulse, I see a fairly tubby fluffle sitting atop it, doing nothing in particular.

...Once I'm behind the counter, I watch it.

"im roasted" It speaks without moving anything at all.

Bringing my arms up, I begin my morning exercise by slowly disassembling the dust thing before me.

Rip. Rip. Ri~p.

...It now only has one leg left on its torso.

"help" It still refuses to do anything other than vaguely speak. "im supposed to be brazenbran"

...I scrunch its head with my hands, and it collapses into a pile of dust on the counter.

"Hup!" That fairy's still doing jumping jacks or whatever…

I glance at the front door. The guards were brought inside for the night, and left to be logs immediately on the floor immediately next to the door. Outside, there's a plywood board leaned against the door reading 'closed' in English. All the booze still seems to be here and the sign wasn't misplaced, so it was a serviceable defence.

Clumsy but solid steps come from the right. Glancing over, I see Shikome's left the loli lounge to get some fresh air.

...Stepping up to the front counter, she looks up at me. "We covet chattels."

Did she always speak in foreignese? It's too early for this…

...The jumping fairy whipped her head over to us, and leapt off the table-

"Hup!" She does multiple forward flips as she leaps over to us, landing next to Shikome.

...Shikome turns to her blankly.

"What're you two talking about!?" She practically yells in our faces. "I like chapels!"

...Slowly, Shikome tilts her head towards the fairy, as if this is too early for her as well.

She turns back to me again. "We covet chattels."

Alri~ght. "Take that one." I lazily cast my arm towards the fairy.

...Shikome steps closer to the fairy.

"Huwoah!" Flipping backwards way more times than necessary, the fairy gains a few feet of distance. "I'm not _cattle!_ "

...Creating a single tendril, Shikome sends it slithering towards the fairy-

"Huwa~h!" The fairy does an exaggerated leap to the side, and points her finger at the loli-

 _snap- pop- pop- pop- snap_. She fires very subtle, blue danmaku shots from her finger tip. They move with alarming speed, but Shikome doesn't react at all as they patter against her silently.

"An'- take _this!_ " She aims it over at me.

 _snap- click- pop- snap_. It… feels annoying, to be certain. The pain slowly builds in my face as the bullets meet me, forcing me to lean out of the way. Not the worst thing I've ever felt, by far.

"Hahaha~!" Laughing, she focuses it back on Shikome.

 _click- click- pop- pop- snap_. Shikome calmly walks through it as she progresses to the fairy…

As she gets closer-

 _Woosh!_ She leaps straight over Shikome in a sudden movement. "Hoh!"

Pivoting around on a dime when the fairy isn't looking, Shikome continues her relentless march.

The fairy turns around, Shikome right there.

Blinking, the fairy holds up her arms as Shikome reaches out to her swiftly. "Aa- ah!"

 _CLANG_

Loud noise.

Becoming translucent, the fairy's form flares up with golden energy, and she brings up her finger to keep shooting useless pellets at Shikome.

Above her, an eyeless caricature of her head generates, laughing. " _Hahaha~!_ "

 _snap- crack- crack- pop- clack- snap_. For the next few seconds, she continues firing-

Shikome sends tendrils through her form, but they don't seem to interact with the translucent fairy.

 _Poof_. The head over the fairy vanishes.

 _clack- pop- click- clack- pop_. She relentlessly continues to focus on Shikome, and the dark loli tries to interact with her form to little avail.

...After a moment, the fairy's form starts to flicker, before coming solid and returning to normal coloration.

 _Woosh- pap_. Shikome thrust an arm forward and into the fairy the moment it returned to normal.

"Aa~h." Gently, the fairy fell backward, taking a nice sit.

 _Thu- thud_. Stepping forward, Shikome smoothly connects with the fairy's form, sitting on her waist…

"Aa- aah…!?" Eyes wide, the fairy scans Shikome's form. "Hey..."

"...Not comfortable." Shikome shook her head at the fairy.

Standing up, Shikome slips the fairy's torso under one arm. "Ah…" The fairy looked around awkwardly, snugged in.

Then, she experimentally begins turning idly, observing how her movements whipped the fairy about as she did so. "Aah! Wh- whah!"

…

Shikome does a three-sixty pivot. "Whoa~h!" The fairy was now dizzy…

...Gently, Rumia hovers down the staircase, bopping up and down exaggeratedly as she does so.

Looking over at Rumia, Shikome glanced down at her captured fairy, before stepping up to the darkness youkai as she landed.

"Did you get the cattle?" Rumia questioned her accomplishment.

She passed Rumia the fairy. "Do whatever with it."

...A sliding noise is heard as the closed sign in front of the store is slid aside.

Aiko walks inside, clad in her scuffy business suit again. At first, her gaze is as dour and sour as it normally is, but as she moves into the shop, it becomes increasingly incredulous…

Rumia experimentally raised and lowered her arms, making the fairy ascend and descend.

Giving the loli exchange a trying stare, she progresses towards me with a slanted, neutral almost-grin. "...How many more runs do you ask of me today? Without proper compensation for a change of locations, I don't believe I'll be hitting the _usuals_. I've already stolen about _twelve dozen_ from them in the past three days, and I don't believe they're receptive to strange faces at this time."

"I have a special assignment." I inform the katana kitten. "On the main road to the Hakurei path, there's a bookstore…"

She tilted her head. "Kosuzu's, yes? I've heard of it."

"There should be someone of interest outside waiting." I instruct her. "...A temple monk, an important-looking one. You're to find them and bring them back here, by any means… as long as they're alive. No casualties in the process."

"Have you any figures?" Aiko lifted a brow.

"Ten thousand yen." I give her my price. "Double if no one notices you."

Aiko's kitty ears perk up. "...I see. When shall this be?"

"Today at noon- you have until evening." I provide.

"Very well." With a nod, she glances away. "Any alcohol runs? Or will that be for when I get back?"

"When you get back." I decide. "Focus on this job, first."

"It _will_ be done." Smirking, she pivots away, and starts stepping for the front door. "I will see you later, then."

I watch her smugly proceed out the door and into the sunny day outside.

…

" _Hwaa~h!_ " A pink-haired fairy goes blaring by the door, a gaggle of guards in her wake.

Sounds like a fun day out there.

Holding the fairy upside down, Rumia gives it a sideways stare. "Where'd you get her, anyway…? I thought cattles were big things…"

...There was no response from Shikome, as she began to look around restlessly.

Still holding the fairy upside down, Rumia begins to take her upstairs for no reason.

"Wha- where're we going…?" The fairy looked around in a daze…

"I'm gonna put you somewhere." Rumia does a good job of answering her question.

We~ll, then. Time to get this day started. I wonder if Vanilla's awake yet…

/ / / / GALVANIZATION SON / / / /

The guards have been re-established. Vanilla is awake, the lolis are at play upstairs, and the bar is open. Let the sleazefest commence.

…

It should be noon again, soonish.

"I feel pumped up today, for some reason…" Vanilla looks eager to take on the world. She's still ninety percent naked, but it's the thought that counts.

Also, that language.

But anyway… hmm. I need a rag to pretend I'm polishing the counter with.

"Go on in." The living human doorbells announce a customer.

...In saunters a redheaded shinigami I've seen before. "...See? Toldja the bars _just_ opened."

"Aa~h, yoo'h got lucky…" And then there's Suika, awkwardly fitting her horns in through the doorway.

This will be interesting.

...In the next instant, Komachi's taking a seat before me, while Suika stomp-stumbles up to the stool next to her. "Hrr~m…"

Once she's in her seat, Suika grins up at the disorganized shelf. "Oo~h, s'a random collection!" Reaching into her pocket, she drew a random assortment of coins and wads, throwing it on the counter. "Ho~w much _s'that_ gimme?"

 _Thu-thu-thu-thunk_. Komachi fancily discharges round coins from the palm of her hand, sending them bouncing off of the counter and into Suika's small pile. "And some for myself, thank ya."

"...I'm not a god of counting." I admit.

Vanilla gives me a wry glance, before moving to the money. "I'll do it. It looks like a lot, so…"

Yeah. Might as well give them some to start with.

Suika chuckles. "Hehehe~h! Yea~h, lotta' folk go 'round thinkin' oni don' carry _money_ fer some silly reason. An' while that may be true _downstairs_ 'a bit, is not like gettin' a little stockpile 'a common coins're so hard!"

Komachi glanced over at her. "...Well, not everyone steals celestial relics to pawn off for drinking money, y'know."

"Pff~t." As Suika gives her a dry grin, I place our cheap stuff on the table. "They'd give ya their 'family heirlooms' as long as ya asked nicely enough. An' if ya just go an' _take it_ , they think yer gonna wait around for a- like a… _escort_ or wha' was it- to get taken ta _court!_ Pfft- hahaha~!"

Swiping up her bottle, she took another glance back at the shinigami before drinking. "Oh- and them peaches sell li' _beer_ down 'ere. Dunno why…"

 _Pop!_ The cork comes off the bottle louder than any other customer's bottle opening procedure yet, and the oni tilts her head back, gulping the drink down.

...Komachi removes hers without difficulty. "You _know_ why. As long as ya don't sell 'em to the humans, no one'll fuck you up, though."

 _Cla- crack!_ Suika sets her empty bottle down, and it shatters on the counter. "Aah, whoops. 'Nother here, 'tender!"

...Delivering another cheap bottle to the oni, I glance over at Vanilla…

 _Pop!_ _Thwick!_

"Pf- pfft…" Suika suppressed laughter. What happened?

...After scanning the room, I found the bottle's cork on a table across the room. Oh. Suika popped the cork with her horn, and it went flying and bounced off the wall. She's weaponized the act of opening a bottle in and of itself.

Tilting her head back, she begins chugging down this new bottle. "Mghk- nnh…"

...Looking forward at me, Komachi decides to actually drink from it instead of say anything.

"Go on in." More people. It's high noon, it seems.

...Some guy in a suit comes in, followed by a rather contained looking woman.

"Disgraceful… fucking hunters..." Talking to the uninterested woman behind himself, he taps on the leftmost table. "Right- stay here. What would you like?"

"Wine." She replies conservatively.

"Very well. _Stay_." Nodding, he turns and stomps towards the bar counter…

" _Bartender_." As he nears, he gives me a glare and taps on the counter. "Wine and liquor, anything you pick, but keep it classy."

Keep it classy, huh. Also, we don't have wine, so that's a problem. I'll just give him some of that sake stuff we've been holding onto on the other shelf. I don't know alcohol to save my life.

...Taking one of the less-than-cheap looking bottles and one of the sake bottles, I glance up at him.

He's already laid money on the counter. "Keep the change." Nodding at me, he seems to get ready to move, before pausing and looking over at the other company.

... _Clack_. Suika put great care into not breaking the bottle this time-

 _Cla-clack_. It tipped over as she let go of it, but she kept it from breaking. "Oo- ah… good."

...It seems he's left me about three and a half thousand yen.

"Se- seventy-five thousand, three hundred and twenty-three yen…" Vanilla informs me how much the oni and her friend have plopped down.

Why.

...As I accept the fat stacks, I take a single one hundred yen bill, and set it on Vanilla's forehead.

...It takes her a moment, but eventually she looks up at it. "Ah…" Pay.

"Mo~re!" Suika cheerfully beckons for another drink.

...The stuffy suited guy seems to be furrowing his brows at Suika. Eventually, he looks forward at me, sets down a bottle and brings up a hand to beckon me.

Once I near him- giving Suika another bottle in the meantime- he leans over the counter to speak to me. "Excuse me. Do you _know_ who those two are…?"

I shake my head at him.

…

Scowling, he reaches for my mask, but I lean away.

"Take that _thing_ off when you speak to me." ...Despite his request, he doesn't press the matter, leaning a little further to compensate for the distance I'd made. "An- anyway…" He looks uncomfortable leaning that far. "If- if you couldn't tell, those are _youkai_."

What gave it away. This man must be a _brain genius_.

"Anothe~r!" Suika just finished her third bottle without any noticeable difference. Vanilla moves to replace her drink…

"Need another, he~re…" Komachi's out, too.

He focuses on me again. "Look. Look- they could be planning anything. I- you heard about the convoy, right? Wasn't it big news?"

The what.

...He takes my non-response for ignorance, and he may not be wrong. Looking to the side impatiently, he refocuses on me. "I was on it, looking for a _runaway._ We went out onto the path along the northern woods to gather supplies, before morning, but we were ambushed. The stagecoach was stolen- my flintlock stolen, the _bastards_ took everything. Only some of us made it back."

Looking back over at Suika, he nods. "...I recognize that one, as well. Not from the trip, but she's known around here. Nothing but trouble."

That's nice.

"Jus'- jus' bring me like _ten_." Suika requested of Vanilla. "Fa' Komachi, too. We're gon' be here awhile!"

"Um, okay…!" Eyebrows raised, Vanilla shuffles to get them about twenty bottles. I'm not sure if we even have enough bottles for seventy-five thousand. Actually- we do, but that's probably two thirds of our stock.

...After giving Vanilla a long glance, then looking back at Suika again, the man turned to me. "Kick them out." Are you well.

"We serve anyone and everyone, the only difference being what's in their wallet." Also, I'd like to see anyone remove Suika by force.

...His expression doesn't change as he nods at me. "Even _thieves?_ Criminals?"

You walked into a place called 'Small Packages'. "I said anyone, didn't I?"

...Looking over at us, Suika brought her seventh bottle from her mouth. "...Oh, hey, yer tha' guy!"

"Retu- shu-..." He stutters at her for a moment. "Be silent."

"Hehehe~!" Giggling, Suika considers her bottle, before focusing on him again. "Say, you got any otha' outfits? Only ever seen ya in tha' _dusty_ thing!"

...Growing red in the face, the man looks around, before looking back at his drinks, and moving away from the counter.

His retreat causes Suika to giggle again. "Hehehe~!" ...Looking over at me, she nodded. "Guy challenged me ta 'a…" She holds up her fingers for air quotes. " _Duel_."

"Oo~h, that was _him_?" Komachi looked over at the imposing suited man. "No shi~t…"

"I thou'h it was gonna be a fist fight." Bringing up her bottle, the oni allows herself to finish her sentence before chugging. "Bu'h he drew 'is lil pea shooter 'n' started _shootin'_ me! Pfft- hehehe~...!"

Then, she chugged. "Mmh…!"

Komachi shook her head. "Why d'they always try _you_? I kinda wanna play around with an idiot, too..."

"Fwa~h!" Bringing down the bottle-

 _Crack!_ She broke it by accident, focusing on responding to her friend instead. "Aa- haha~ shit. Wh'ever…"

"Go on in." More and more and more people. Those guards are invaluable.

"Pro'lly 'cause they forgot wha' s'like ta fight an _oni!_ " Holding up her bicep, Suika flexed it. "Shootin' them… little steel _balls_ at me! Fahaha~! _Danmaku_ hurts harder!"

...Oh, it looks like Albus came back, again. Oh boy.

...Marching up to the counter, he takes a seat next to Komachi and leans onto the wood top.

 _Clack_. He sets a thousand yen on the counter. Vanilla moves to get him his own drink…

...Suika pans her head over to him. "Ah, look. S'the _other_ guy who tried shootin' me! How ya doin', Albus?"

"Mmrh. Good." He just props his head on an arm and sinks deeper into the counter…

"Go on in." Oh, boy. I'm going to need to hire a vault raid at some point. We're running out of drinks fast.

...Some kind of disaster in pitch black and neon green-plated clothing walks in, moving for one of the outer tables. Okay. They _appear_ to be a woman.

The stuffy couple to the left seem to be silently sipping their drinks. The guy's giving us death glares from across the bar.

Suika is now on her eleventh bottle. "Fwa~h. F'some reason, I feel li~ke… this bar's gotta lotta _variance_. S'like a little bit of the drinks from all 'cross the village…"

Pre-emptively, Vanilla places out some more bottles, before going to get that walking disaster person's order…

...I hear some kind of loud voice from outside the bar, but I can't make out what they're saying. I didn't know this village had radio-announcer-sounding devices.

As the source gets closer, it's audible, though. "... _Death! Death! Death! Death_ to the _youkai!_ " Oh.

Fwvi~u. A tiny siren noise is heard from outside as the source gets closer and closer. Something bulky passes the storefront, before the siren and radio background noise go out.

...

"Go on in." The living doorbells welcome in another guest.

It's a rather large man in a raggedy, faded sky blue suit. He makes a deliberate effort to not clip the door with his arms on the way in, and proceeds to stomp right up towards the front counter.

" _GENTLEMEEEN!_ " He yells at the entire bar as he enters, before reaching the front counter. "TODAAAY… FILTHY _YOUKAI_ HAVE _DESTROYED_ A SUPPLY CARAVAN TO THE _NORTH_! IF ANY OF YOU _SERVE_ \- NO, _ANY_ OF YOU WILLING TO WORK… THE _FIRST_ TO BRING ME THE HEAD OF A YOUKAI... GETS A _**TWO MILLION YEN**_ _ **REWAAARD!**_ "

For some reason, his face is very serrated and scarred, with blue-colored lips, and he seems bald.

...Suika and Komachi simply glance back at him, before Komachi shakes her head and returns to drinking…

The stuffy guy stands up. " _Justice!_ We have _youkai_ in this very bar!"

The tubby guy's eyes widen, as he looks forward and sees Suika.

"Oo~h…!" Beaming, the oni gets up off her seat, and continues to down her twelfth bottle. "Mmh…"

" _ **SUIIIKA IBUUUKIII!**_ " He practically screams his lungs out as he throws his arms back, in complete either rage or disbelief that the oni would attend a local bar. "I WILL _SAW OFF_ YOUR _HORNS_ , _MINCE THEM_ , AND _USE THEM_ TO _BUTTON OUR_ _ **UNIFOOORMS!**_ "

...Lowering her bottle, Suika grinned at him. "Y'said a variant of tha' the last ten times y'walked in on me havin' a beer. We takin' this outside?"

" _HAH!_ " Reeling his head back, the man turned around. "I'LL BE _WAITING!_ THE MOMENT YOU STEP OUTSIDE THIS BAR, THERE WILL BE A _NEW HELL! PERSONALLY_ CRAFTED FOR _**YOOOU!**_ _HUH_ AHAHAAA!"

The floor lightly vibrated as he stomped out of the bar, into the light outside.

"Haa~h…" Stretching, Suika meanders towards the door. "Stay here, Komachi~. I'll be back in a jiff."

"Aye~." Komachi raises her third bottle to her. "Don' break more than ya haf' to~."

"Aye~!" With that, Suika marches outside…

...The stuffy guy just sits back down, and doesn't even go to help. He probably knows the outcome already.

…

Just as the day starts to slip into a late glow, the back door opens.

Aiko slides in, before slamming the door with her ankle. "Ho~h…" She's got a short fellow in her arms, and seems to be a little winded. "There…"

...Albus and Komachi don't really seem to be paying her any mind.

Considering how winded she is… "Were you seen?"

"Not by the monks…" Taking a moment, she recomposes herself, taking deep breaths. "...The town guard surveys citizens for the most _arbitrary_ of reasons..."

Good enough.

...Reaching into the new small fortune of mine in my pocket, I give her twenty thousand.

Accepting it, she nods. "A pleasure." ...Then, she sets down the small one.

The monk holds a small wood staff, with a green crystal at the tip of it. Their hair is cream-colored and short but even bangs hide their eyes. They also have two additional, small pigtails…

"Oh, by the way…" I gesture to our quickly emptying shelves. "We need beer- all of it."

She looks over at the bottles we've got on the counter, then at me. "Are… you just tossing it about? Not that it's any of my concern, but…"

"How much beer does twenty thousand get me?" I ask of her.

...She nods at that. "Well, if we're talking money like _that_ , there's little I cannot do. What do you desire? A selection of premiums, or an abundance of anything?"

Hmm…

 _Patatatatat!_ Outside, machine gun noises go off. "THE ONI BONES WILL _MELT! GRINDED_... TO A FINE _POWWWDEEER!_ "

 _Patatat- Bam!_ ...The noises suddenly stop.

 _Ba- bam! Craa~nk_. I hear metal bending noises outside.

…

I look over at cat friend.

"If I take any work, it will have to be tomorrow, however…" She provides. "There's an incident in progress, and the village is, shall we say…"

" _CUUURSE YOOOU!_ " That man has quite a guttural voice. "THIS DOES NOT END HERE, _SUIIIKA IIIBUKIII!_ YOU MAY'VE SEEN THE LAST OF MY _CRUSHING KART_ , BUT III'LL FIND YOU _AGAIN!_ HUHUHA… HUHA _HAHAAAH...!_ "

Suika leisurely strolls back into the bar, the bottle she left with now smashed in half. "Tha' was a real neat car thing he had there…"

"The village is on higher alert than ever." Aiko summarizes.

I see. Tomorrow it is, then.

…

"Wh-..." The stout monk person speaks up. "Where…?" Their voice is rather monotone, surprisingly. Fitting of their appearance, but perhaps not of their age.

...None of us answer her.

After setting out _more_ drinks, Vanilla turns to her. I'm going to _say_ it's a her for now, but I really have no idea. "Who're you?"

"I- I don't know…" The girl stares down. What. "Oh- oh no, I mean… I'm Mako."

Mako. At least I don't have to call her some vaguely specific descriptor like 'commissar' all the time.

"...I'm Vanilla." Vanilla introduces herself.

Mako looks her over. "Why're you naked?"

"Because I am." Vanilla doesn't seem like she wants to answer that question. "And- why aren't you…?"

...Mako looks down at herself. "Ba- Byakuren told me… that it wasn't okay to walk around naked."

Sounds like a bright young lass.

...Vanilla just seemed indifferent. "Well, no one gives me problems, and I feel comfortable like this. Are you gonna work here too?"

"Work…?" Mako looks around, confused. "I don't know…"

I have no idea where to put her for now, so she'll just be here.

Suika seems to be on her twenty-somethingth bottle. "I don' know wha' the hell I'm watchin', buh's funny lookin'..." She seems to have witnessed our exchange and doesn't particularly care.

Staring straight at me, Komachi smirks. "Aa~h, nothin' important, I'm sure. Back alley deals, pro'lly. We went ta a prostitute bar afta' all…"

Suika snorted. "A whah bar? They goh' good variety, though."

"Yea~h." The way Komachi's nodding at me, she probably knows these drinks are stolen. "What a coincidence…" Especially so, now.

Despite this realization, she doesn't seem apt to do anything.

 _Poof_. A tiny mushroom cloud comes from the table of the fashion disaster. The table seems fine though, so I don't _particularly_ care.

...Seems those washed up stuffy people are still here, just looking very angry for some reason. Actually, that might be their default expressions. I forget.

...Aiko seems to be just standing there.

After panning her gaze around, she nods, before turning to the door. "I believe I'm done here, then."

Cat person.

...Once she's gone, I pan my gaze over the guests again.

"What… do we do here?" Mako speaks.

"Well…" Vanilla thinks about it for a moment. "I serve drinks."

...At that, they fall into awkward silence.

...The stuffy guy gets back up, and moves towards the counter for round two. It seems their drinks are… not empty, so he's just coming back up for small talk or something.

"You." He speaks to Suika immediately upon marching up. "What did you _do?_ "

...Suika's too engrossed in her twenty-fifth beer to acknowledge the noise.

Reaching forward, he taps on the glass. "What did you do?"

"Nnn…?" Suika hums mid-guzzle. "Whuh- auh- nnh…" She tries to talk as she guzzles beer, to moderate success. After spilling a portion of the bottle, she resolves to simply continue chugging the rest until it's empty…

The guy just looks offended at this, for some reason.

...Once she's done, she wipes her lips and faces him again. "Wha' happen? Timmy fell in tha' well again?"

"What did you do?" He rephrases himself for the third time.

"...Choked on m'beer." She gives him a toothy smile as she places down the bottle, and reaches for her twenty-sixth. "Y'look like you could use one…"

"I've had quite enough." He briskly shakes his head. "I wish to know what you did to the Chief Justice."

...That's who that was?

"Aah…" Suika blinked at the air. "Chief who~?"

"The man you _assaulted_ outside…" This middle-aged man looks like he's about to tear his receding hairline out.

...Slowly, Suika's grin widened. "I think y'gon' hafta be a _lil_ _more_ specific…"

…

Face flushed, the man leaned closer to the oni. "You're _disgusting_ , you know that?"

...Slowly, she focused on him fully now. "Hey, no~w. Them's _fightin'_ words…"

Swallowing, the man looked around the bar with clear intent as he reached for his pocket…

Walking over to the scene, I tap on the counter. "If there's fighting, take it _outside_."

The man looked over at me, sweating. "Oh- oh no, bartender, I-... was not _intending_ , on any such… things, yes."

...Suika just nodded at him, before looking back at her drink-

Suddenly standing, he thrusts himself forward-

 _Thunk_. A dull noise was made as he bonked a tiny dagger against the oni's neck.

...Suika blinks, only realizing what happened after he made a fourth and fifth attempt. "Wha~h…?"

" _Work, dammit!_ " Frustrated, he slammed his arm into the oni's neck repeatedly, intent on shoving the blade in-

 _Crack_. His repeated efforts broke the metal, the oni's flesh unmarred.

...Putting my arms on the counter, I nod at him. "I think it's time for you to leave."

...Looking over at me, he raises his eyebrows. "It- it was an attack on a youkai!" Parting from her, he simply yells at me. "It was _legal!_ "

"And I'm saying you started a fight on my property." Stepping back from the counter, I move for the rear door. "Come with me. Let's talk out back for a moment."

...Looking back at Suika, he huffed, shaking his head before moving to follow me.

"Hey…" Suika called out to him as he began to move, prompting him to glance back.

She pointed back at the front door. "Y'take _one step_ outsi' this bar, and I will _kick your ass_."

...Saying nothing to that, he simply moves to rigidly step behind me as I exit out the back of the bar.

It seems to be getting dark outside. The world's currently cast in a mix of melancholic blues overset by an awkward splay of sunset, but only across speckled parts of the landscape. This looks weird.

...The man follows me outside, looking awkward.

I give him an expectant stare, which likely doesn't translate well through my mask.

"...That- that was a corrosive dagger." He informs me. "It should've worked. I must've gotten ripped off- I was sure it would work."

...Taking a moment, I lean into the bar and pull my backpack out from around the wall. As the guy stands there, I pull my hackjob rifle from the backpack's main pouch. "To fight youkai…"

How the hell did I set this up again. Oh, right, fill the chamber with water, insert bullet- I've stolen some unfortunate building nails for the occasion I get to use this again- and, then…

"You need the right equipment." I insert the electric scissors into the wire slot further on the gun-

 _Pop!_ Some lights flash on the interior. Oh, boy. It's a good thing I've kept neglecting to take off this rubber glove, although he shouldn't need it for his purposes, I don't think. I'll just tell him to hold it with his- oh, he has fancy person gloves too. Good enough.

"This is that equipment."

...Also. "Whatever you do, only hold the trigger end and the rubber grip. If you touch the barrel, you will die."

Brows furrowed, he looks up at me. "What happens if I touch the barrel?"

...You die. I just said that. "It might be a little unpleasant." This thing has the power of a lightning bolt. It's generally agreed upon that this level of electricity is unhealthy for a human body.

...Nodding, he carefully reaches over. Somewhat jankily and awkwardly, I manage to pass the gun to him without killing either of us.

"Aim and shoot." I recommend. "Preferably at the head."

"What if I miss…?" Looking down at the gun, he moves his head about to look at it better, afraid to articulate his arms.

"You won't." I strongly suggest.

...Nodding, he looks down at the gun, then back at me. "Why, thank you, bartender. I'd thought things had gone from bad to worse when you'd pulled me out for doing my duty, but… this is much appreciated."

The duty of stabbing oni with tiny pocket knives, yes.

"You know, if this gun turns out alright…" He blinks down at it, still refusing to articulate his arms at the moment. "When I find my flintlock, I'll let you have it. I told you how I lost it, didn't I? On that, er… voyage. Should've never gone on that _damned_ stagecoach. I bet that Yamada bitch is probably _dead_ , too." His face sours, as he glares at the adjacent wall.

Focusing on me again, he questions me. "You look a little funny, but you're alright. You... from around these parts?"

What other parts.

...At my non-response, he nods. "It's alright. Don't have to tell me if you don't want to. Was gonna ask if you knew some faces, but..."

...Once he's quiet, I point at the right of the bar. "Go around, meet her at the front. Once she comes out, aim and fire."

"Acknowledged." With a confident nod, he aims and marches off to the bar's right.

…Once he begins to round the corner, I move back inside.

Scuffing up to the counter, I step before Suika and give her the good news. "He ran. While I was talking with the man, he ran around to the front of the bar."

Suika blinked at me, before grinning, pushing herself from her stool-

 _Thu- thu- thump_. She stumbled backwards, clutching the thirtieth- or more- bottle of beer that evening. "Oo~h, all~ right. I'll show 'em why ya don' just go 'round stabbin' women all willy-nilly."

Well, at least I won't be the one cleaning up the corpse this time.

...Komachi sips her beer peacefully, before rotating to face her friend. "Don' make a big mess, no~w."

...As Suika lumbered towards the shop's exit, the reaper leaned her head back and looked at me. "At least Eiki can't say I ain't workin'... pfft- hehehe~..."

So you say.

...Out of curiosity, I start to round the counter. That stuffy woman's just _staring_ at me as I move to the bar's front.

Suika's out there, standing in the midst of the road and panning her head about. "A'right, where tha' fuck…"

…

After some moments of her rotating around and taking passing glances at her bottle in the meanwhile, she stops, looking to the right of the road. "Oo~h, s'mister _dusty suit_. An' he's got a _stick_ , t-"

 _BLAM- THWACK_

Suika's eyes widen, the discharged bullet slamming through her head.

 _Thoom_. She stumbles back one step, the mere unrestrained movement causing the ground to rumble, and the soil beneath her to sink a little.

As she stares up into the sky, standing still, the man laughs. "Hahaha~! All you need to overcome youkai are _tools!_ The guard's been doing it wrong this whole _damn time!_ The Hakurei even!" Beaming down at the weapon, he holds it out as if to kiss it, before refraining, realizing it'd destroy him.

...Slowly, Suika's form stops leaning back. She begins blinking again, the hole in her head shifting and closing.

Oh. I didn't notice, but there's a splat of blood behind her. That bullet apparently went straight through her.

...Slowly, the oni's shocked expression shifts into a grin. "Pft- pfft…"

...The man looks around, before refocusing on her.

"Hehehe~!" Giggling, the oni took a few steps forward-

 _Thoom, thoom_. The street shakes as she advances a few steps forward, small craters sinking into the floor beneath her.

The man aims the makeshift railgun at her again. "Stay back! I have the tool! Oni are- are _superstition!_ "

"Oh, _yeah?_ " Baring her teeth with a grin, the small girl began to flex her muscles winding her arm back. "Yer gonna poke an _eye out_ wit' tha' toy. Here…"

 _Fwi~sh._ Air vortexed around the oni's arm as she slowly reeled it back, as if it was a vacuum drawing in the road's dust and wind…

...The man pulled the trigger on the rifle repeatedly. I may have neglected to inform him it only has one shot.

 _Fwoom_. Behind Suika, an orb of black and purple slowly fades into existence, which also seems to be pulling in dust and dirt. Small pieces of garbage, papers, chunks of wood- they all start getting pulled into it.

...I lunge forward to grab the 'closed' sign before it gets stolen. Fortunately, the main sign is nailed to the store, and this gravity well just seems to be pulling debris.

"I don't need _guns!_ " Suika yells over the slowly growing roar of the black hole behind her. "I~ got _these guns!_ "

...Tossing his gun to the side, he stumbles back-

Suika jerks her leg up, and stomps down.

I duck inside the store-

 _FWO- BOOM_

 _Bam- bam, bam!_ The bar's tables and chairs tip over, a powerful vortex of wind at the door giving everything a single, mighty tug. We all find ourselves either on our sides or stomachs-

"Woa~h!" Komachi falls backwards-

 _Cra- cra- crack!_ Bottles are shattering-

Outside the door, I can see the action transpire.

With Suika's stomp, she rended the earth beneath her. This force combined with a sudden surge of energy from the now-fading black hole pulled everything directly towards her, including the man.

As he flew forward like a ragdoll, Suika sent forward a single jab, reserved to hit him the moment he'd meet the range.

The suited man met the range, and Suika's arm came forward less like an arm and more like a school bus.

 _BOOM_

Ow. I was sent rolling by the wind off that-

 _Fwoo~m_.

The hit was with such might that I saw no result. Suika stood there with her arm still extended, the jab complete.

…

Looking around at the indent in the ground she left herself in, she blinked, before sighing. "Aa~h, shit. Now I'm only half drunk _and_ in trouble…"

 _Fwi~sh!_ In a moment, her form dissipates into mist, the cloud dispersing and spreading out, before becoming invisible.

…

Scrambling to my legs, I ran outside to see if I could see any result at all.

...It seems I lied. There are a few spots of blood on the ground, in an almost invisible trickle in the direction Suika sent the man.

...I look back inside the bar.

Komachi's lying on her back, still sitting on the stool, technically. Her arms are up, and it seems that some of the shelved bottles were kept in place telekinetically. All of the empty bottles were now an elaborate minefield on the ground.

...Vanilla's hugging onto the counter, her limbs wrapped around the top.

...That old lady's getting up, it seems. "Aah- damn it, damn it…"

 _Fwoom!_

...A tiny but vast green shockwave emanated from Mako as she crouched behind the counter or something, a green sheen running up our forms for some reason.

Thump- thump- thump- thump. It seems Shikome has romped downstairs to see what the fuss is about, too.

" _What_ in the…" The fashion disaster's also lying on the ground right now, nursing her head. " _Last_ time I go to a _cafe_ to brew crap…"

What possessed you to think this was a cafe.

Albus rose from the floor, cracking his neck and cradling it with one hand. "Nn~gh. What the _fuck_. My _aunt_ hit me harder…" If you'd seen what transpired, you might second-guess that statement. Unless you meant falling over.

...Shikome steps into the midst of the room for adventure, and to ascertain the situation better.

"Ge- geez…" Vanilla crawls up the counter, getting into an awkward sitting position. "...I can't walk with this glass everywhere…" Can't she become a bat?

...Responding to this distress, Shikome turns and progresses towards her.

"Alri~ght…" Floating up to reposition herself, Komachi immediately pivots towards the door and moves. "Guess this is a good time ta call in late as any! No~w..."

I step out of the way as she drifts up to the door, and looks outside. "Ah, cool, soul's right there…"

"Don't work too hard now." I see her off.

...Glancing back at me, Komachi gives me an offhand wave. "Ah? Yeah, yeah, you too, relax on 'em homicides…"

No promises.

"Wha- what do- do you mean, _soul_ …?" The old crone gets up, and starts half-jogging out the door after Komachi.

 _Fwoom_. Mako reinforces that buff, whatever it does.

"Why…" Slowly getting onto her legs, the black and neon green _thing_ looks about, before looking at me and giving me a half-hearted wave. Then, she goes to leave. "Stupid- wind vortexes. This is why I don't go outside…"

What _are_ you.

Albus passes me as I glance about the damage, moving for the exit with his bottle. "See ya, 'tender. I gotta find out what the hell's goin' on out there…"

...Oh. That reminds me.

...Looking outside as he leaves, I see the doorbell guards just lying on the ground outside the door, splayed about like ragdolls. They're probably fine.

 _Crack- krik- crackle_. Shikome steps across the glass plain with her sandals, and looks up at Vanilla.

"Ah…" Vanilla peers down at her. "Did you come down to investigate the noise…?"

...Shikome glances down at the shattered bottles, before looking back up at Vanilla and promptly grabbing her.

"Wha- hey…" She was caught in Shikome's arms, held semi-bridal style, but a little more reserved and fit for nuzzling. And also ass grabbing, probably.

...Gingerly, Shikome whisks her fellow loli towards the plywood slope up to the second floor. "Where're-..." Vanilla looks around idly, before inexpressibly resigning herself to being carried.

…

That just leaves me… a lot of broken glass, and Mako.

…

 _Fwoom_. Why is she still buffing us. At this point, just me.

...Stepping around, I see Mako crouched down. Her staff's tall enough to stick out over the counter.

"You can stand up now." I inform her.

…

Slowly, Mako stands. "Ah…"

"I suppose I should be telling you what will be expected of you." I decide to grace her with some context before the inevitable.

"...Okay." She stares ahead at nothing, before turning to me. "Um… serving drinks, right?"

"Yeah." I nod. "Also having sex."

"...Cool."

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

END OF CHAPTER 73.5

PROTAGONIST: Matthew, the Debatably Sane Outsider, Lord of Edges, Scissor-Slinging Slasher, Insurance Fraud Expert, Used Goods Reseller, Evil Spirit Cultivator, Shrine Maiden Evader, Professional Youkai Developer, Legitimate Business Man

PRIMARY WEAPON: Dash Scissors - Succubus training tool. Allows horizontal quick-dashes, for dodging and agility purposes. Doubles as scissors for kinky, cloth-cutting occasions. Or stabbing. Sleek, black design.

OFFHAND ITEMS: [A Single Rubber Glove] - For those moments one needs to touch a live power wire with one hand and fap with the other.

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - Takes up no inventory space, because it is the inventory space. Has nine slots, and is easily accessible.

Steel Scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Quick Scissorang - Non-elemental scissors that are enchanted to return to the owner with ferocity. Not that powerful of a weapon, but combined with strong string it can be used like a powerful grappling hook. Looks like it belongs in a Barbie catalog.

Shadow Hell Scissors - Fire elemental scissors. Ignites with every swing. Boosts power of fire spells. Forty percent fire resistance. Increases comfort when near fire. Allows user to cast Fire, Hellfire, Dark Fire, and Dark Fira.

Blessed Steel Scissors - Stained lightly with dried blood from a young human female. Sharp, shiny-ish, and to the point! Also blessed...

Steel-alloy String - An experimental item provided by Alice as part of her testing. She uses these herself to manage her dolls, or so I'm told.

A Tuft of Cloth Strings - Pink, regular cotton string. It's soft, and clean.

Danger Scissors Plus - Let's get dangerous. Randomly spawns anything from anywhere at any time at all, dependent on the power of the party or people around it while it is equipped.

(one more space remaining)

[Backpack] - Allows extended inventory, of twenty slots. Can hold larger items, but it takes longer to pull them out. Items inside are safer. It's also baby barf green.

Hedge Cutters - Rusty lawn pruning tool used by farmers to keep the vile hedges at bay. They're also sharp, so they've probably been used more than once in self-defense.

Teal Stone - Cool and refreshing to hold, exuding power of the wind. It's sort of shiny, too. Perhaps usable as a reagent.

Hackjob Rifle - A pseudo-railgun, made from an AK-47 barrel and a mangled toy gun. Laced with duct tape and wires to function, powered by electrical scissors, and uses small iron pellets as ammunition. Explodes violently if fed anything non-iron as ammo. Outside is coated with vegetable oil and must be wetted regularly to avoid violence upon powering up. Quite powerful.

Water Scissors - Scissors that continuously produce water. How troublesome. 

Goldfish Snack Crackers - They're smiling. They might make a good snack...

Modern-ish Surge Protector - Protects against surges. Not very useful without unified electrical practices in housing. Can still be used as a paperweight and a brick, though.

[Rubber Pouch] - Stores electrical objects safely. Too small to add extra inventory, but doesn't take up any space when it's filled. Currently holding electric scissors.

Electrical Scissors - Must be held by gloves at all times, lest they cause electrical fires. Can cause severe shocking and electricity-induced stunning in individuals susceptible, including myself if I'm stupid. Unable to be turned off.

Holy Pot - A torso-sized holy pot used as a vehicle by flufflekind. Has holy properties and resistances for obvious reasons.

Financial Officer's Card - A card handed to me by the chief financial officer of the human village. Bears a complex triangular insignia and shines depending on the angle you hold it. Has some Japanese printed on it.

(eleven more spaces remaining)

==o==

PARTY:

Shikome, the Black Scion of the Saigyou

WEAPON: Dark Tendrils - Able to create tendrils from any part of her body, she can use them for powerful dark/physical attacks.

INVENTORY:

[Defiled Kimono] - Coated in the coagulated blood of numerous unlucky people. Grants pockets.

(two inventory spaces remaining)

==o==

Rumia, Youkai of the Dusk

WEAPON: Unarmed.

INVENTORY:

[Rumia's Outfit] - Some kind of outfit. I'm not sure how Rumia maintains it. Properties unknown. Grants pockets.

Red Ribbon - It's a ribbon in her hair. It's small, too. Takes up no inventory space. Properties unknown.

(two inventory spaces remaining)

==o==

Vanilla, the Loli Vampire

WEAPON: Unarmed.

INVENTORY:

[Cloak] - A dull black cloak. No inventory space, but takes up none when worn.

(no inventory space)

==o==

Mako, Myouren Healer

WEAPON: Healer Sentinel Staff - A staff that boosts the power of physical reinforcement magic and healing spells. Allows the user to cast Renew and Refresh.

INVENTORY:

Monk Outfit - A robe for monks. Looks warm. Takes no inventory, because it's worn and is the inventory.

(four inventory spaces remaining)

==o==

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

this was a fun chapter - w -

lots of GOOD MOMENTS, had some hype moments too - w -

covered a COUPLE DAYS because honh and time skips through most day transitions

that suika scene was good fun, yo

i liked how the pacing really built up from just how elongated it was and also just how simply _brutal_ the execution was; good payoff yo

byakuren accepts a scandalous deal! _gasp_

oh yeah the whole commissar exchange was fun; writing vaguely emotionally charged things can be a fun experience - w -

...not a lot on my mind at the moment, but this was fun!

oh yeah chief justice vay hek from warframe was an oddity to write . w ' mostly because he's mostly just SCREAMING AND YELLING and GENOCIDE and not a WHOLE LOT ELSE but he's fun to experiment with - w -

as always, see you all next time!

CO-AUTHOR'S NOTE:

it's good

bye


	94. Lawbot HQ: Field Offices & Spot of Chat

(in which we have a school board meeting)

We're on the late-day road aga~in!

It's _dark_. Well, not really all that dark, but it's gloomy and dim out, 'cause the sun's already set and stuff, but night's not quite here yet.

The village roads still have a hustle and bustle to them, though. What… do they _do_ all day, exactly? How economically sound even _is_ this place, 'cause it don't seem to be very!

We meander down the road half-drowsy, still wakin' up. 'Cause, like… yeah. Genkan's hugs are pretty awesome. Now if we got Genkan _and_ Kasen together, that'd be like, the _snooze button_ dude.

"There's something ahead." Genkan lifts an arm ahead of us. "Perhaps we should avoid the square."

Hell do ya mean…

Looking ahead, I see a big guy in a gold suit of armor, along with an enjambment of guards and bullshit. Yeah, perhaps the side alleys would be safer.

"I… kinda wanna know what it's about." Maria has a different opinion! "I haven't seen that big guy in a while."

Aw. Big gold armor, yo. "Who's he?"

"A jerk." Maria gives the good answer.

"That much was implicit." Taking in the air, Genkan slowly stretches her limbs, before looking around…

Smiling at our reactions, Maria elaborates. "I think he's called Yoroi Chikara. He's a youkai hunter, but doesn't really show his face around the village a lot..."

Ahead, some of the guards start to spread out and move down the streets…

"I've already lost too many men." The burly armored guy's loud enough to actually be heard from over here. Not that there's many plaza people…! " _Hurry up!_ " And that was hard to _not_ hear!

...There's some vague noise from the guardly guy before him, but it's not as easy to hear because the guy doesn't just reverberate into your soul.

...Also, calling this dude's big's kinda an understatement! Tall, ultra burly, clad in armor that probably makes him look twice whatever his base size is, and it's freakin'... very broad-looking plates. It doesn't look convenient to move in!

He's also got this purple cape with some raggedy fuzzy shit on the end, but it's seen better days.

...Unfortunately, big tall gold guy- or Yoroi was it- just says somethin' offhand to the guard and wanders off. Hoh.

"Good youkai hunters." I nod at the big burly guy. "Is there actually any rhyme or reason to youkai hunters, o~r…?"

"Not really." Maria starts moving ahead now that the activity's dispersed. "There's a few really strong ones, but they're never around when it seems like they should be. Like, Meira, him, Albus… Shurui Sutoro's the 'head' of the village's youkai hunting military division, but... I've never even seen him before."

Hoh. I almost forgot Meira existed. That samurai chick, right? Where the hell's she been? Albus, though… I dunno if he's much of a youkai hunter after what happened!

We start to pass the Golden Grin, which compared to the other buildings, freakin' stands out…!

"Does this village have government, even?" Genkan is not hopeful!

Maria snorts, giving Genkan a fun stare. "Well- _yeah_. There're big people for the leadership positions, and people operate under them. We have a chief, too..."

Y'know, that makes me wonder… "Where the _frik's_ the capital? Town hall government building thingy?" I haven't seen the freakin' central place _ever_. It sure as hell ain't in the square!

"Your leaders don't seem to lead." Genkan immediately grills the government here.

"They really don't…" Maria agrees…!

Ho~h. Anyway, we stop by this dinky-lookin' house right between the Golden Grin and Small Packages. The roof's a little charred, and the front door's ajar, but that's about it!

We slow to a stop, as Maria looks the house over, and sighs.

…I forgot to have Genkan give me my kimono back, so we're still wearing each other's stuff. Not that the resistances really matter right now, since we're in the village and everything.

"This is where I lived." Maria steps up to the door…!

Pushing the ajar door open, she steps into the main room. To the left, there's a broken table, some half-eaten and well-past-expiration-date bread, and a black stain on the floor.

The window over the wall's pushed open, it seems. Airing the place out, yo…

Before the table is a chair. Maria gestures to the black bloodstain before it. "This is where I found Mom."

...A~nd the implication of Matt shanking 'er just kinda hits me! Oof. Man, Gensokyo's freakin'... surreal.

...Genkan just kinda takes in the visual, eyes scanning the floor and table.

"I haven't been back here in… awhile." Breathing out, Maria carried further into the house, gazing about idly. "Last time I was here, I bummed out until the village guard relocated me, after my… bar thing fell under."

There's some other rooms aside from this front one, here. What's in this back room, yo…

Stairs! Really, really tiny stairs… and little buckets in the back of the room, some tipped over.

"Those were our drinking buckets." Maria looks into the room as I progress into it. "They're empty, now…"

...Drinking _buckets_.

"Drinking… buckets." Genkan echoes this thought…!

...Maria gives us an enduring grin! "Yeah, we're poor. It's actually not an uncommon practice…"

...As I step up ta the buckets-

Clack, clack. Freakin', why's the floor echoing over here? S'it hollow?

"I- I think I lost our candles somewhere…" Maria sighs. "We'll have to get out of here once it gets too dark, or we won't be able to see… and somehow a hole burned into the roof, so…"

Pullin' out Youkai Inconveniencer, I light up the room with the flashlight mode! "Hoh. I got lights, yo. The most powerful holy spell."

"...Right, yeah." Maria looks like she forgot…!

Cla- clack. This floor, dude…

I jump in place!

 _Clack!_ Freakin'...!

Stepping back, I stare down at the floor bit that echoes! It's like half 'a the room, so…

"I don't know why it does that." Maria kinda waves it off. "For as long as I lived here, it always seemed like the floor was hollow, but… it can't be, I don't think."

I'll be the judge of that! Castin' aside my holy hanger, I draw my~ _Hard Winter_ and bring it up, buffin' myself as I get ready to violence the floor!

Maria holds up a hand. "He- hey, um-"

 _Bam!_ ...bam… bam! Hittin' the floor made echoes, dude!

...Furrowing her brows, Genkan held an arm out-

 _Kri~ng!_ A blade of ice erupted from the wood before us!

...As it retracted, it left behind a hole. You'd think that'd leave behind a hole _every_ time, but weirdly it doesn't so this is actually a unique occurrence…

"That… was kinda overkill." Maria criticized the showing of power!

Indifferent, Genkan looms over the hole. Since it's just black and shit down there, I take my holy hanger and aim it down, flashin' the light into the abyss…

Ground seems to be right there! Well, then…

I jump in! A~nd-

Oof! Good land, yo. Fell about five to ten feet, managed to not break legs!

...Genkan floats down into the hole next, transporting Maria with her arms.

The cave's a freakin' downward ramp after a few steps forward. It's also as wide as the house above it, but there's soil and dirt blocking the areas that'd otherwise be hollow soundin' too. How's this stable…?

"Wow…" Maria looks around somewhat befuddled. "There's a cave system under my house, I guess."

...After going forward and down some ways, we reach a series of deviating paths, some blocked off, and some going for an undetermined distance. I just keep goin' forward for now…

Eventually we reach a point where one 'a the leftmost tunnels has light down it. Ooo…!

"Let us follow the light!" I direct us towards it…!

"What is this place…?" Maria's fascinated by the dirt tunnel!

"This doesn't appear to be a natural cave system by any means." Genkan notes how artificial these tunnels seem!

After continuing forward, we reach the light source!

...We seem to be under the square, or something. After entering this big cave, I realize it'sa bit more than a big room of dirt.

Stone walls, windows leading to _dirt_ , stone tiles and stone ceiling! We've found a tiny buried structure!

...Also, there's wind in here. Cave plus winter plus _cave wind_ equals freakin' cold, although Genkan's kimono lessens the impact...

The light came from the very center of the room. It was dim, faintly luminescent and glowing just enough to warrant attention.

 _What_ was glowing seemed to be… a statue of a fairy. Her wings're weird abstract shit that goes all over the place, and her haircut seems to be short and bobby. Random surfaces of the statue glow, as does the base before it.

Around the room are four statues of harps, although they all appear to be the same type. It's got wings, weird rings, but very simplistic strings. Why make statues of harps when you could've left us actual harps…!? Some ancient culture this is…!

"...What have we found?" Genkan's mystified by the underground temple thing we've located.

...Maria steps up to the statue, and leans over to examine the writing.

"We found Atlantis, dude." Nodding with satisfaction, I pan my gaze over to Genkan… "Now we gotta save the fish people."

"I don't think so." She meets my stare…!

"Didn't know Atlantis was buried in dirt instead've water…" Maria bites back…! "Aah…" Aw, she found something, yo…

Kneeling down, she read from the statue. "To they who held harp, divinity and blood right in hand. May they recite the wind's aria, revive the innocence, return this land to peace. In their absence, I will sleep forever."

Oh, boy, riddles. It's Legend of Zelda time, son!

Crouching further down, Maria finished the poem riddle thing. "In loving memory of Tsubasa-ken Hakurei, wonderful harpist taken too soon."

Who? Hakurei? Hoh, shit!

All things considered, that riddle's not something we're supposed to be able to do anything with! It sounds like it's meant for Hakurei folk or something…

"...We might not belong here." Genkan began glancing around again.

Oh, hey, on closer inspection, the roof's got the same pattern as the village square does.

"There's some playing instructions here…" Springing back from the statue a little, Maria stands up. "We don't have a harp, though.

"Where would we even _locate_ a harp?" Shaking her head, Genkan begins to turn around. "Such an instrument is rather obscure… and-"

Putting away Hard Winter, I take out Fairy Harp. "I have a harp hanger!"

"Are you serious…" Dryly, Genkan turns to me, before lookin' the hanger over…! "...Less graceful than anticipated. I've set my expectations too high." Wahaha!

"It probably won't work, I think." Maria looks around at the three string harp statues, then at my like four-five string ghetto harp. "...I think."

"Let's try it out, yo…!" I move over to the statue!

...My light hanger does _not_ help read these faintly luminescent instructions. Freakin'...

After turning _off_ my flashlight, I can read 'em!

...Well, they sure aren't made for the musically capable. These instructions are literally inscriptions of harps with strings highlighted. There're only three strings though, so…

...Twing. Twi- twi- twing, twing, twing. Twing.

...Nope, nothing happened!

…

Twing. Twi- twi- twing, twing, twing. Twing.

I won the grand prize! No~ change…

"Lemme…" Maria takes Fairy Harp from me, and gives it a try herself.

...Twi- twi- twing. Twing, twing, twing! Twing!

...I tried reciting Medli's temple theme from Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker. You're just plucking away randomly…!

"Are you two actually following the notes…?" Genkan's expression is dry.

"...No." We both hesitate to answer…!

Well, I wanna actually try now. I reach for my hanger-

"N- no, I can…" Maria doesn't wanna give it up…!

"Give me that." Pluckin' it from us outright, Genkan holds the freakin _plant hanger_ like a legit harp- as best she can anyway, it's kinda tiny compared to a harp- and starts playing for realsies.

 _Twi~ng… twi~ng. Twi-twing, twi~ng, twi~ng, twi~ng… twing._

Fwoo~sh. The note inscriptions start to glow a brighter shade of cyan…!

…

That's it. What do we do now…!?

"Aah…" Marching around, Maria examines the statue. "Nothing else changed."

…

Reaching forward, Genkan presses her hand to the statue-

The cyan energy glows brighter for a moment, before flickering and becoming red.

"Hmm…?" Blinking, she brought her hand away. "...The affinity changed."

Wat. "Some kinda… elemental thing?" I take a guess!

"Yes." Genkan glances over at me. "Draw your fire weapon."

...Taking out Flame Salvo-

She plucks it from my hands, and presses it to the notes. The hanger glows as she channels magic through it, flames licking onto the statue's surface-

The red energy glows brighter and brighter, before flickering out and becoming green.

"It keeps rejecting the mana." Genkan reveals. "For some reason…"

What the hell is this statue.

...I grab onto Fairy Harp, and Genkan lets go of it. Stepping around the side of it, I look the statue over…

You know, if… there's glowy spots all over the statue, despite them being the same boring cyan from before, and that poem riddle had a lot to do with wind…

Freakin', dropping my flashlight, I take back out Hard Winter. "Hey, Genkan." Might need some help! "Think you can channel earth magic into this harp and make it shoot wind?"

"Do you think me an elementalist?" Critically, she drifts up to me…! "Unless your hangers _somehow_ provide all of these."

...I give her a hard _grin_.

"Naturally." She takes the hangers from me, presses them together, and aims them at the statue… and as they begin glowing-

 _Fwoo~sh!_ Earthy green wind mixed with sparkly fairy dust is expelled from the hanger!

"Aa- achoo!" Maria gets clipped! "Nn- achoo~! Ach- nnh…!" Covering her face- "Tsst!" -she sneezes into her arm…

"Sorry." Genkan flatly apologizes for triggering fairy dust fever-

 _Fwi~sh!_ The statue's glowy stuff turns entirely white! The note inscription itself is sending out a fierce golden aura…

...We still not done here!?

Picking up my flashlight hanger idly, I freakin' shine it about…

If it's white, maybe we should try holy. Aiming at the statue, I prepare to cast that point blank holy sphere thing…

Oo~h that mana cost-

 _Fwi~sh_. An expanding orb of light generates and disperses within the statue's form-

Fwi- _Fwii~sh!_

Blinding light! Aaa~h!

…

Slowly, the freakin', great light fades.

Oh. It didn't fade, I was just overexposed until I was blinded, so my eyes are readjusting. Since the room's got no light though, it's readjusting to pure blackness!

...I channel energy into my holy hanger for more light again.

Before us, there is a fairy! She's drifting slightly off the ground, her gaze currently stopped on Genkan.

I glance over at her, only to see her standing completely still, form crackling with holy energy. Oh.

"Um…" Maria's rubbing her eyes. "What happened?"

...The fairy's the same one from the statue. In fact, the statue's gone now, so I'm willing to bet she _was_ the statue.

"Tsu-chan?" The fairy looks around with a blank expression, her eyes devoid of pupils. "It's so dark…"

Floating down towards me, she holds out a hand towards my hanger, before laying delicate fingers on it-

 _FWASH_

Oh shit, that made me jump…!

...Her touching the hanger caused the whole room to light up as bright as day, the tunnel ways around the ruin illuminated as well.

Letting go of it, she leaves the hanger to glow, before panning her blank gaze around. "Why… humans and youkai?"

"Hi." I introduce myself. "I have a plant hanger that can shoot fairy dust…!"

...She doesn't emote to that. Help.

"Who're you?" Maria asks her the good question.

She opens her mouth-

Ooh. Well, that sounds uncomfortable! She's speaking in really hollow, sharp 's'-esque noises, which reverberate and kinda hang in the air as she speaks them. The room's wind shifts, as well…

…

"I'm still trapped…" Hugging herself, the fairy shuts her eyes. "Tsu-chan…"

Freakin'...

...Walking up to the paralyzed Genkan, I clamp my hanger- a~nd, can't get it free. Even so, I jerk the arm it's in and kinda aim it at the fairy-

 _Woosh_. Have fairy dust and wind!

...Looking over at the hanger, the fairy seems to speak that language! "...How… imprecise. Empty…"

Aw. Hmm…

"Wh- what… are you talking about?" Maria questions her!

She doesn't listen to her words, still looking around confused…

...Hmm.

Walking up to the fairy, I start fanning my arms at her aggressively!

...Looking over at me, she tilts her head. For a moment, she pretends to fly against the current of my flapping, before stopping and blinking at me.

That went well! We learned a lot, dude.

I start doing jumping jacks!

"Are you okay, Brad?" Maria's not sure what the hell I'm doin'!

"No…!" I deny! "My brain hurts, yo!"

...Pursing her lips, the stout fairy with abstract, almost plastic-looking wings starts doing jumping jacks before me herself.

Hoo, ha, hoo, ha! Feel the burn, son!

I- ah, huh. What other ways can I flap wind about…?

Actually, you know what? When I was a kid, I used to love to fuck with wind by throwing clothes or towels about with both arms! So you know wha~t!?

Stripping my kimono off- oh my _god_ it's cold down here and that wind helps nothing- I undo the sash, slide my arms out and start flailin' it about!

I like, hold both ends of the cloth, and just wave it like a big flag! I- I'm also shivering…!

Maria gives me a pitiful look. "I- I'm sorry I didn't buy panaceas…"

The fairy raises her eyebrows at my antics. In response to the splashes of wind I make, she begins to do spinning jumps that seemingly mirror the air current I splash about.

We're interacting… on a primal level! Wahaha!

"So you are not affiliated with it…" The fairy says weird words, before making hollow noises again. Freakin'...

...Stopping, the fairy gazes at me with her empty green eyes. "Kindred soul. Why do you communicate with me?"

Daa~h. "I dunno, yo. I just kinda found you, and wanted to solve that riddle you put up!"

She blinked. "...It is of very low probability that a non-Hakurei descendant or chosen may be able to master it."

It's like low-tier Legend of Zelda bullshit, friend. "It- it really wasn't that hard, y'know…"

"Explain." The mature fairy is skeptical! "Your magical prowess is weak, and your spirit, while wild, wispy and weak, wettable by wind's simple whisper. One gust would do, not even. You are no native to Gensokyo."

Real observant! "Well, I got a buncha magic equips, and I had my pal over there," I gesture to Genkan, "help blow magic wind on ya to wake ya up."

"You could not solve the harp puzzle." She counters. "Its message is simple but has served as a deterrent for decades."

...Stepping up to Fairy Harp, which is still in Genkan's frozen hands, I play random notes!

Twing. Twi- twing… twi- twing… twing!

"See, yo?" I grin at her!

…

Shaking her head, she smiles. "Foolish… but such flightiness cannot be faulted. Yes. I like you."

Oh, good. I like you too, friend.

"Does the barrier still stand?" Her expression hardens. "Her affiliation, and your nativity, could only mean one thing…"

I nod. "Yeah, I just kinda fell into here by accident. I'm the _exception_ , not the _rule_ , yo. Gensokyo's still boarded up as ever!"

...The fairy turns away from me. "I've not had freedom to listen beyond these corridors for decades."

So…! "Who the _frik're_ you, yo?"

...Focusing on me again, she stares unblinking. "I am a fragment of wind. My name matters not anymore."

A fragment 'a wind… wat.

"You are confused." She notes.

"You are confusing." I counter idly. "We have a lot in common…!"

"...What do you know of magic?" The fairy begins subtly rotating in the air…

"Very little. Nothing." I confess. "Negative. Zero…! It- it's going backwards! It's slipping away…!"

"...Okay." The fairy closes her eyes. "What do you know of gods?"

"They're godly." I'm well-informed, du~de!

…

After a moment, she replies! "Do you know the distinction… between Shinto deities and autonomous elemental entities?"

I shake my head. "N- yes." Then I nod! Basically, like… the difference between Kanako and Hina versus like, Shinki.

"...I, like all fairykind and gods, are to be considered the latter." She explains. "Do you know what fairies are?"

"...Magic?" I wanna sa~y?

"Nature." She amends. Well, more like adds, 'cause they're both true!

"Ah." I nod at that, steppin' about restlessly a little. "Yeah, that'd figure."

"...Gods, too, are nature." The fairy adds even further! "...What is the difference, between a god and a fairy?"

"Fairies die if you sneeze on them, and gods make you die if they sneeze on you." Circle of li~fe! But, _who_ sneezes on the _gods_ …!?

"Gods are whole." The fairy's rotating's made her do a full three sixty rotation in the air by this point, allowing her to flex her wings and stare out into space. "Fairies… are incomplete. I'm incomplete."

...Ah. "So if multiple fairies just bash skulls together… they become a _god?_ "

...The fairy gives her head a single shake. "It is not a matter of… synthesis or combination. It is purity of nature, and how elements perform at their purest. Only through hundreds of thousands of identical fairy combinations without disruption, extra-elemental bonding, and precision may come close to the strength of a bond needed to properly form a force of nature incarnate."

...Haa~h. So… basically, it's something that would require really specific circumstances. "...So they can't die during that process, and uh…"

"They must not wear generated clothing. They must not have differentiation past minor alterations." She clarified for me! "...It is a situation that can no longer occur. Nature supports life now. Not that such was how it happened; before nature manifested in shards, it simply was, and only gods, the elements incarnate, had bonds and synergy that would allow them to eventually find forms."

...So I'd suppose… "Would it be accurate to say that u~h… while fairies _rely_ on nature and represent it… for gods it can be the other way around?"

"If you want to look at it that way. Correct." That lack of expressiveness, yo...

...I'm freezing my ass off!

"I remember the early days of this planet." She informed me! "When Earth was but rock and fire, and nature. Before life had begun to evolve."

How freakin' old're you supposed to be…!? Well, if you're _nature_ , or at least the windy part of it, I guess infinitely old. Jesus…!

…

After glancing over at Maria, I see that she's just kinda been taking it all in…!

Giving me a glance back, she blinks a bit… "Aa- aah…" Yeah, me too.

…

Well then! "Why'd you u~h, freeze my yuki-friend?" I gesture to Genkan…

"My seal petrifies youkai in time for self-preservation purposes." The fairy reveals. "It is to prevent ambitious looters and knowing harvesters from enslaving me."

Nothing for human looters, though, which is probably fair enough since most humans are freakin' noobs.

"Are you certain you may trust her?" The fairy looked Genkan over… "Did she lead you here?"

"No, yo." Time to repeat myself! "We were lookin' at her house," I gesture ta Maria, "and the floor was hollow in a place, so we blew it the fuck up and ran down here."

...The fairy looked over at the deviating tunnel we came in from, and just stared.

 _Ting_.

"Ha- aah…!?" Genkan flinches back! "Aah…" Looking around wildly, she tries to feel at herself, before noticing she's still holding both hangers.

"So who's this aa~h… 'Tsu-chan'?" She brought up that name, and I think it's the Hakurei the mural bit's commemorated to, but some more story'd be nice.

...Glancing back at me, the fairy proceeds to ignore me as she looks back at the corridor we came from. "What year is it?"

"We're in the hundred thirties." Genkan starts to drift forward, connecting to the conversation… "How long have you slept?"

...Still unanswering, the fairy looks around, before turning to us. "I'll follow you. I want to see… if this is the Gensokyo Tsu-chan wanted."

I give her a thumbs up! "I _gotchu_ , fam. One entire Gensokyo, coming right up!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...Genkan precariously lifts us out of the hole in the house floor. The fairy follows us out, too.

We're now in the _bucket and stairs_ room. Happy home, dude. Offscreen, I also collected all the crap I threw about earlier because that was a mess!

The windy fairy makes for the door, prompting me to- holy _shit_ I better put that kimono back on…

"I should probably ask why you undid your kimono." Genkan just now thinks it relevant to question my partial nudity. "I'm not going to redo it for you if you're going to get naked every five seconds."

"Freakin'..." I hobble after the fairy as I slip it onto my shoulders and awkwardly wrap it around me without doin' the sash! "It's _cold!_ "

"And that's good." Genkan smiles.

"Ho~w?" Shakin' my head, I make it out the front door!

...The wind fairy's out there! She's just kinda still, moving her head around…

Man, this kimono, yo. Fifty percent resistance is a big difference when it's cold as shit out!

...Eyes unblinking, the fairy panned her head around, looking at the freakin' impoverished village.

…

"Where are we?" The fairy continually rotates, looking over the village repeatedly. "I would not, could not sleep here..."

Time to fill her in on the past ten million years! "The human village-"

"So~..." Oh, there's a Suika just over there. "Wha's goo~d?"

Down the road from her a little is some fatso on a tiny bumper cart. "Suika Ibuki…" Shaking his head, his arms jiggle on the control handles of his little cart. " _You_ are _wanted_ , for acts of-"

"Ya~p, ya~p." Suika interrupts him.

" _YOOOU_ HAVE _THIRTY-SIX! MILLION! YEN! ON YOUUUR HEAD!_ " Holy shit, he can yell! "DOOO _YOU_ THINK... YOU HAVE _ANY PLACE_ TO-"

"Haa~h?" Suika held an arm to her ear, stumbling to the side as she does so. "Ca- can' quite hear ya. Y'might hafta _speak up._ "

" _YOOUUKAI!_ " Slowly, he starts to drive his cart towards her.

...Lifting up a bottle she had, Suika pours a little sake into her hand. "He~y, tubby. Wha's the difference, between _you_ 'n' _me?_ "

" _YOUUU!_ " Tubby cart guy shouts! "ARE A _FILTHY, UNGRATEFUL…_ "

Suika flings her hand, tossing the small pool of sake she had in it.

" _DISGUSTING!_ " Sneering, the blue-lipped bald guy stops his cart-

 _Splash!_

He's sent skidding back, a shockwave of sake splashing in the air from where the tiny drops hit him. " _AGHUAUGH!_ "

"Ya _still_ dunno~?" Gaining a sneer of her own, Suika marched up to the freakin' tiny metal cart-

 _Patatatatat!_ Freakin' machine guns fire from the sides of his cart! The village fucking has those…!? "THE ONI BONES WILL _MELT! GRINDED_... TO A FINE _POWWWDEEER!_ "

 _Patatatat- Bam!_ Suika latched onto the front of the cart, her body literally unaffected by the bullets.

 _Kra- krang, kra- a- ang!_ Twisting the front up, she made the machine guns awkwardly point up, unable to hit anything anymore. "It's…!" Suika looks increasingly pumped, as she glares into the tubby guy's weird ass eyes.

...Then, she lets go, turning away. "Ya don't _deserve_ ta know."

" _CUUURSE YOOOU!_ " Shaking his wiggly arm, the guy brought his other arm back to make the cart awkwardly rotate.

"He- hey…" Maria steps up to the fairy, and starts pulling her back by the shoulders. "Du- duck inside for a little…"

Unblinking, the fairy offers no resistance as she's taken back. I rewind back inside with them…!

"THIS DOES NOT END HERE, _SUIIIKA IIIBUKIII!_ YOU MAY'VE SEEN THE LAST OF MY _CRUSHING KART_ , BUT III'LL FIND YOU _AGAIN!_ HUHUHA… HUHA _HAHAAAH...!"_ As he drives off, his cart starts playing this freakin'... depressing muted siren. He's also having a hell of a time, for a guy who just took a sake shockwave to the face, and got his, uh, bumper cart crushed.

"Aah, yeah…" Suika gives him a dismissive wave as she walks back over to Small Packages. Aw, that must be a fun time…

 _We~w_. From in here, I watch tubs 'a fun drive the cart down the dirt road, looking extremely focused…

"That's, um…" Maria seems to search for his name. "...I know he's our Chief Justice."

Are you for _real_?

As the tubby guy goes down the road, he speaks into some kinda intercom on it. " _DEATH! DEATH! DEATH!_..." It trails off a bit as he continues…

…

"I know what I've said about the village…" Genkan brings a hand up to her face… "I've called its people hopeless, condemned humanity, and demonized its presence with what may have been exaggerated jeers. I still can't accept what just happened."

...I turn to the wind fairy, who still hasn't blinked yet.

Looking back out after the freakin _homicidal Chief Justice_ , I step outside. "Let's follow him, yo…!"

"Wh- why?" Maria looks opposed…! "I don't like him…"

"We haven't much else to do. Unless the incident is over, but I'm unsure…" Genkan stares down at my kimono. As in, my kimono which is on her, not her kimono which is mine- I mean, on me, not… aaa~h! "Since it became colder, however… this kimono is truly something else. Where did you have it crafted?"

I think I told her already, but… "Alice _Margarita_ , dude." I remember reading a fic where someone called her _murder droid_. Wahaha!

Stepping out into the road, I look down a nearby alley-

 _Woosh!_ A suited, green-haired person slides to a stop, looking behind themself…! Oh, that's Aiko Kuro! Kitty lady! I remember her 'cause she's a freakin' _menace…!_

She's got a stout monk in her arms, for some reason.

As me, Maria, and the fairy all stare at her, she glances back at us, before-

" _Stealth walk!_ " Her feet slide around in place at blurring speed-

 _fwish_. A single black and purple ring slowly expands into the air as she seemingly vanishes from sight. It's kinda freakin' weird-looking, because the monk she's holding _doesn't vanish_ , but she does.

The monk's still being carried, too. When Aiko darts off, it makes it look like the monk just flew off at high speed!

…

"Whah?" Maria doesn't know what she just witnessed. I don't really, either!

"Deadman fluffmoney, dude." I express my confusion verbally, before moving to follow after that freakin' _tubby justice_.

...Looking back, I see the fairy still staring back into the alley. Her head's sorta tilted, and mouth slightly open.

Noticing what I notice, Genkan assists by pushing the fairy along gently.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We're somewhere in the districts behind Akyuu's estate. I~'ve never been here before! It's… an actually developed section of the village, holy shit!

The four of us progress down the road after cart man, but man…

These houses… look a lot like _normal houses._ A bit oriental, but still normal houses! Paper walls, decorated, ridged wood walls, freakin'... yo! Also- two stories! And wide! And look like they got… _more than four rooms!_

Movin' past the spiffy, lit and fenced-in homes, we continue after the tubby guy. Dude- this road's even _paved_. You can't even say that about the main roads or the square.

"The village hall's down this section…" Maria speaks to us lowly, probably so CJ donuts over there doesn't catch on. "It's… kinda big, but not really, I think."

Kinda big but not really, you think. I know what to look for now!

...Ahead, we see the tubby guy take a turn down _another_ paved road.

...Once we get up it, we see that it leads into a paved clearing, capping off at a two-story-lookin' building with a little squat dome cap atop it. Compared to the nicely designed houses around here, it's a little ugly, but still more than the regular villagers got.

"This part of the village seems… well off." Genkan notes the obvious…!

...As we stare ahead at the dome-

Ah- yo, yo! Some _boy_ just pushed me…!

After looking at who pushed me, it seems to have been some seven-foot-tall _thing_ clad in freakin'... turquoise, round ass armor, his face obscured by a white mask, orange dots visibly where eyes should be. He's got this big stupid like… half mushroom, half beetle shell design out of armor on his head, past his face. What the fuck is that….!?

"Out of my way, _worm._ " He dismisses me as he marches past, trotting towards the village center. He~ just outright ignored my party pretty much, too. Hoh.

"That's our chief of medicine…" Maria watches him go. "I've only ever seen pictures of him, but…"

"My confidence in this village's government is sinking further than I thought possible." Genkan shakes her head…

...From here, we can see the tubby guy get out of his clown car and hobble inside. He's got _legs,_ yo!

Oh, before he gets inside fully, he makes some kinda remark we can't hear to medicine man- " _Hahaha!_ " -and laughs about ten octaves louder about it.

As they progress inside- the armored medicine guy barely fitting in- we start moving to go inside…

"I'm not sure if we can take, um… her," Maria points at the wind fairy, "inside. You know how the village is about youkai…"

I wave it off. "Aa~h, if she gets closer to tha' ground, no one'll bat an eye much, I think…" Even if those wings are _massive._ And atypical…!

...Genkan exhales. "Fairy. I detest to ask you this… but, may you hide your wings?"

 _Fwish!_ In a moment, the fairy hides her wings with a brief pulse of light, but she remains floating.

"...Ah." Idly, the yuki-onna reaches forward to bring our fairy friend closer down to the floor. "There."

Moving towards the big law building, I get ready to see what's inside…!

...As we move through the front door, we see a lobby. It's kinda small, and there's two doors directly before us.

A single guard is stationed by either one. They both look really tired…

To the left and right seem to be halls that lead down into back rooms and stuff. We won't freakin' sequence break the place yet…

...Picking the rightmost door, I move towards it-

The guard tilts a pointy spear in the way. "Na~me."

"Aah." I look over at him. "...Big. Big guy."

" _Na~me._ " He demands again!

"Rusty Shackleford." I give the good name.

...He lifts the spear, letting me inside!

He holds it down for Maria, too. "Na~me."

"Ma- Maria… Yamada." She gives her actual name.

...Next to be quizzed is Genkan! "Na~me."

"Ice blizzard." She doesn't even try…!

...He lifts his lance anyway. Oh, okay. Ice blizzard's a legit name, apparently!

...Ah? Where'd windy fairy go-

As I turn my head, I see she's in here with us now. Freakin'... just _teleported_ or some shit.

Inside…!

It's a big meeting room! There's a myriad of bored-looking villagers dotting the uncomfortable wooden chair rows before the main platform.

The central platform takes up the other half of the room, raised a little bit above the wood floor we're on, and it's got a rug. It being rugged doesn't mean shit, 'cause it looks like the village council gets to sit at this like… giant, round desk that goes around the entire latter half of the room like a big balcony, except the front stretches all the way down to the floor.

Dim chandeliers illuminate the tops of the huge desks. Up there, I can already see the Chief Justice dude's gotten himself arranged…

At the very right, some dude with a regular straw hat- more like a sun hat really- and _one arm_ is sitting, legs up on the desk, revealing his wood sandals and freakin' shorts he's wearing. It's the middle 'a winter, dude…!

...After a moment, medicine man comes out of a door up atop the desk floor, clad in what looks like under armor instead 'a the big fuckoff thing he had on earlier. Also, no weird shell hat! Still got that freakin… _mask_ on, though.

Two black-haired guys show up, but they don't look particularly freakish compared to the first dudes. One guy has an eyepatch and a business suit, the other's just in some guard armor.

...Aw, dude! Akyuu's up there, too! ...She doesn't look like she wants to be here…!

Actually, most-... _all_ of these dudes don't wanna be here. No one likes jury duty, yo…

The dude with long black hair and guard armor stands up. "Call to sessio~n! Ten minutes!"

…

Wading into the sea of chairs, we all find some good seats, dude…

"I've never actually… been to a village meeting before." Maria speaks to us, yo… "I didn't know we _held_ these. Well- I did, but, like… no one ever really talks about them."

There's only like ten other people here, so…!

"I wonder _why._ " Genkan frowns at the council. "Are we sure some of these council members aren't youkai themselves…?"

...Maria tilts her head. "I really have no idea…" How's the government so screwed…!?

Minute or so later, some new faces begin showing up!

One of them is- aah… oh. _Oo~h_.

His robes are like… purple, black, and _neon red._ You can only partially see his face, and his staff has fucking- it has _two_ little spiky flail bits attached to the ring at the top!

That's it, dude. We found him. This is the edgiest edgelord to ever edge. Council position: edge _king._ Matt's got competition…! As a side note, he doesn't seem to have a shirt on under his robe, so freakin'...

"That's…" Maria shakes her head at him. "I don't _know_."

Hoh. The main door in the back up there swings open, and some dudes walk out, escorted by guards.

One's an old dude, with the longest beard ever, a stupid cone hat and a cane. The other's a burly dude with some kinda apron on, as well as gloves. Looks like a~ blacksmithy sorta dude! He's also got a rather unique beard design, and short but straight silvery-grey hair.

"That old guy's the chief, I think." Maria announces! "Hoshi Kawata. The other guy I _think_ is our lead blacksmith. I know we... _have_ one of those..."

I point at the dude with the straw hat. "Who's that relaxin' dude?"

"Shurui Sutoro." Maria supplies! "He's the youkai hunter person."

Aw. So being one-armed is his tactic, then…!

The rightmost door opens again to reveal one last dude. Some old guy in a green suit, with greying black hair… and glasses.

…

Once things are quiet, the old guy raises his arms. "I~... would like to call this meeti~ng… to atte~ntion…!"

…

"Kauf- kauf." Someone coughs in the audience.

"Aa~h…" Nodding at this, the old guy looks around. "...Before we begin today, I ha~ve a few… announcements."

Silence. Aa~h, back in the days of school assemblies, yo. Can I lie down on Genkan's lap and fall asleep?

"We~ currently have an… absent slot, fo~r the Director of Education. Still. A~nd… we're doing our best to screen a replacement as we speak. You~ will be kept updated..."

...Man. This guy looks like he's on death's door.

Suddenly, I hear the sound of furious writing behind me. Aw… someone's taking notes!

"Additionally…" The guy pauses to look down at something.

...Curiously, since Maria's also lookin', I glance back at the person behind us.

It's a cuddly girl, with short black hair, and a doofy brown hat on. Aw…! Actually- wait a minute, she looks a little…

...Glancing up at me, she blinks at me, before grinning. "Hi, mister. You go to meetings often…?"

"Hi, _Aya_." I take a gamble! She _looks_ like Aya, even if the eye color is different.

"You're not a total idiot!" Smiling, she continues writing in her notebook. "...That was a serious question by the way. You go here often?"

"Yes, all the time, dude. Religiously." I confess my obsession…! "Everyday- I don't leave. I _sleep_ here, dude- I _eat_ here, _dude!_ "

...Aya just gives me a jaded expression…!

Turning around, I see some of their eyes on me because of my outburst. Oh, shit…!

"Ah, yes." The chief finds his place… "We a~re… we- when we run meetings, we… typically seek a volunteer as the commoner representative. I~s there anyone who would like to? If not, then I'll simply… read down the list of participants, once it-"

"Pick me!" I stand!

"No." Genkan grabs onto my leg.

...Turning to her, I grin! "Yes…!"

Maria exhales. "Oh, no…"

"Oh, yes…!" I grin at her, too!

"Ooo~...!" Aya likes that!

"Alright- well then, first reaction like that in, aah… _eighteen_ years!" Big chief likes it, too!

I stand up- my kimono's _still_ not tied properly, so my freakin' torso and undies are exposed to the world- so I try to keep it _somewhat_ secure as I freakin'... hobble up there!

...Next question, how the hell do I get up there? Do I go around the back, or-

"Hold on, hold on…" The guy taps his cane on the floor. "Aah… oh, right… um- someone, activate the lever…"

The one armed dude lets his arm drop from his lap-

 _Click_. Aw…

 _Fwi~sh_. The floor glows with dim, golden magic, as a stairway erects from the left of the humongo desk to my seat somewhere on the right, among the somewhat sane-looking suited guys.

The blacksmith-lookin' dude turns to the chief. "His name."

He pauses. "...Aah, we'll ask when, ah, we go around the room 'n'... introduce ourselves."

...Using both arms to keep my kimono attached- and raised so I can walk up the stairs without tripping on it- I make my way up the whacky ass inflatable stairs.

...Once I've climbed to the top, I have to step over the desk's top to reach the chair waitin' for me on the other side. I'm on the rightmost side 'a the room…

Seating positions! Now that the gang's all here, I might as well go over all of us…

From left to right: Chief Justice yells-a-lot, medicine man with dune beetle armor or some shit, king edge, Akyuu, chief, blacksmithy, me, green-suited dude, armored probably-guard-captain dude, black-suited eyepatch dude, and the freakin'... redheaded straw hat guy on the very far right.

"Now…" Nodding, the chief turns to his right, which is the left side of the room for all intents and purposes. "Why don't we start, ah… introducing… ourselves?"

Uh oh. This means yells-a-lot gets to go first…!

" _III!_ " Oh, god, my eardrums. "AM _KANO KEEEN!_ HUMAN VILLAGE _CHIEF JUSTIIICE!_ NOOO CRIMINAL, _YOUKAI_ OR- _SCUM! -_ OTHERWISE WILL WALK THESE STREETS, AND NOT _RUE_ THE NAME, _KANO KEN!_ _HU_ HAHAHAAA! MY TRIALS... _EFFECTIVE!_ MY-"

"Ye~s, ye~s." The masked marauder next to him dismisses his introduction from going further. "We know, _Kenny_. You like to be _loud._ "

" _ **SIIILEEENCE!**_ " Ken snaps! "III DO NOT WANT TO _HEAR..._ YOUR _DISGUSTING, BLIIITHEEERIIING! TAO, RYO-"_

Suddenly, he goes quiet, although it still looks like he's yelling.

The chief slowly lowers his cane. "Alri~ght, settle down, Ken…" Ken is a _weird_ last name… "And, you next…"

"Ahem." Freakin', mask dude takes a breath. "My name is Tao Ryoshi. I, as all of you, am glad to serve my seat on the council. I am our chief of medicine." ...His voice seems to be kinda synthesized by his mask, too. It's definitely not totally natural! Too much reverb. He's also _really_ smug…!

"Thank you, Tao." Nodding, chiefy glances right- your left- again. "Next…"

...Edge king's turn, yo. With a hand that's not on his _ridiculous double mini flail staff_ , he pulls up a whip-

 _Whap!_ -a~nd he hits himself with it! "Nrh…"

Tao facepalms. Ken's still yelling…

"Toma Shinobu…" Glancing around at us, he nods. "High Priest, present." No wonder. _This_ is our saintly dude. What in the nine fucks.

...Looking down at Maria and Genkan, I give them a hard grin! These guys're freakin' more off the rails than me…!

...Nodding his head, chiefy gestures to Akyuu. "Mmm."

Nodding as well, Akyuu looks around with vague cynicism at all of us. "...Hieda no Akyuu, Child of Miare." She don't wanna go any further than that…!

...Wit' that, old chief introduces himself. "I am Hoshi Kawata. I am the chief of the human village." Well, at least he didn't pause awkwardly like he does during his other bits-

I'm gonna be up soon, aren't I? I don't even know what name I'm 'onna give…! Considering my state of dress, I'm pretty sure saying I'm _doctor dynamite superteeth_ will get me sent to the mental ward.

"Yamauchi Tokuma." Blacksmith dude introduces himself bluntly. "Lead blacksmith."

...A~nd it's my turn!

"Next." Chief Hoshi calls on me! "...Aah, right, the commoner representative…"

Looking over at me, he raises an arm. "So… we'd just like your name, and perhaps how long… you've been at the village…"

Hmm. I don't wanna reuse Rusty Shackleford- not that that's a very good cover name anyway. Hmm~...!

"I am…" Gettin' that formal presenter voice out, son! "Brad… Nugget-" Wait, actually, I changed my mind. "Trig Jegman, dude."

I look over to the peanut gallery!

Genkan's just splayed out on like two chairs, half dead…!

Aya's standing up, leaning forward as she takes notes!

"...Could- could you repeat that?" Hoshi looks a little curious! "I thought you said two names there…"

"Trig Jegman, man." I repeat for the old timer.

"...Trig Jegmanman." He confirms.

Good enough. "Yeah, yo."

...Nodding compromisingly at that, he questions me! "And how long… have you been at the village?"

"Two~ months!" Proud of it, yo! And- y'know, that's more like my total Gensokyo playtime, and not actual human village habitation…

"...Two months." His eyebrows were raised! "Um- where did you live… before?"

"Home." I give him a warm smile…

…

"Where?" The answer was so abrupt it threw him off.

"Just, y'know, the outside." This could be interpreted in different ways!

"Oh, okay…" He seems to take this in stride. "What is… your occupation?"

Dynamiting superteeth. Actually- you know what? "Give me a moment, yo…" Time to dig and see if I've still got that badge…!

Alri~ght. Dig dig dig… freakin'... table, nope. Ow- glass shard, no. Water. Fucking- something… something _soft_. Aa- ooo! Something metal!

...After some pulling-

I get out my Youkai Exterminator badge! "Oh, shit, I still have this…!"

"Aa~h, I was wondering…" Nodding, Hoshi glances down at his- _he doesn't even have a paper there_. Oh. "It wou~ld figure, wouldn't it…?"

...Well, Kenny seems to have stopped yelling! That's probably a good sign!

"I, ah, thank you, for your service." Givin' me a nod, chiefy's eyes transition to the dude next to me.

The old, green-suited fellow stands up. "Okane Dokusen. Call me Doku. Farmer Baron."

...Then, he sits down. Farmer Baron…? The hell's he do?

The guard fellow stands up! "...I'm Hagane Gisei. Captain of the village guard." ...A~nd sits down. Actually kinda glad we got some lunatics in the room now, these guys're freakin'...

Suited dude, numero two~! The rise- "Okita Soji. Chief Financial Officer. Pleasure to make your acquaintance." -and fall, yo.

...We all stare at the red-haired hatted guy expectantly.

...After a moment, he tilts his hat up with his _sole arm_ , lookin' around at us as he's still reclining in his chair.

"Hua?" Smiling, his eyes dart around our forms… "...Oh, we still doin' that 'meet 'em and greet 'em' thing?"

"You… could say that, yes." Old chiefy exhales. "Name and occupation, as always."

"Pfta~." Becoming disinterested, he begins staring up at the ceiling. "Shurui Sutoro. I stab people fer a living."

" _Proper_ occupation, if you'd kindly…" Old guy tries again…!

"...I stab _youkai_ for a living." Tilting his hat back over his face, the guy brings his arm behind his head as he reclines… "S'tha' the right 'mount 'a style 'n' humor fer ya?"

"...He's Shurui Sutoro, the head youkai exterminator." Hoshi summarizes the summary for us. "With that, I~... think we can call this meeting to proper order." Oh, man. It took us twenty million years just to introduce ourselves…!

Yawning _himself,_ chiefy looks around as if to gather his thoughts. "...We've, um, had youkai attacks recently, right?" O~kay, who is this freakin'...

"Nothing our men weren't able to handle." Guard captain man stands up! "Despite these past few incidents, our walls have held. There's been a few youkai-related crimes, but distress has gone down significantly."

S'that so~...

"Just in the past few days, however, there've been a string of youkai-related bar robberies." The captain delivers crime news! "...An octo-katana wielding feline girl with stealth capabilities has been routinely attacking some of the village's bigger name establishments, and others have reported mysterious loss in stock after questioning."

Aiko~.

"...There've also been more guard-to-youkai confrontations, but that's simply because we've increased our anti-youkai policies." The guy shrugs casually. "Give it a month or two, and it'll drop down to zero, as long as our walls hold and the guards do their jobs. I'll see to reinforcing them, as well." He looks pretty pleased with himself about this.

...After some silence, Chiefy looks around. "Any… opinions?"

...Ken's giving the chief an intent stare. I'm not sure if his facial structure lets him death glare, but he'd probably be giving a death glare right about now.

"Oh, right, sorry…" The chief taps his cane on the floor-

" _ **EXCELLEEENT!**_ " Oh, sweet Jesus… "IF III WASN'T SUCH A BUSY MAN, I WOULD BE PATROLLING THOSE WALLS, CRUSHING SICKLY _SCUMMY YOUKAI_ _**SKULLS**_ WITH YOU, _CAAAPTAIN!_ " Tilting his neck back like a freakin' rooster, he guffaws. " _HU_ HAHAHAHAAA!"

...I look back at the captain. He's just got this freakin'... offput expression!

"...Wasn't there that…" Finding his volume again, the captain speaks up. "That caravan the Coda family sponsored-"

" _ **AAAHHH!**_ " For fuck's sake…! That- that _literally_ wasn't even a word! "I HEARD ABOUT _THAT!_ AS SOON AS THE WORD CAME IN, I BEGAN TO _ASSEMBLE_... AN _ANTI-YOUKAI STRIKE FORCE_. _HOOW_ EVER… _**SUIKA, IIIBUUKIII!**_ THAT _ONI_ INTER _CEPTED MEEEE!_ _THERE'S AN ONI IN THE_ _ **VILLAAAGE!**_ "

…

"BUT…" That's it, I'm gonna freakin'... plug my ears…! " _I WILL_ TEND TO HER, ONCE WE ARE DONE HERE. I _ONLY_ LET HER LIVE BECAUSE-"

 _Boom_. There's an explosion in the distance, for some reason.

...Shaking his head, Ken resumes. " _ **BECAUSE**_ _I WILL SHOW HER_ _ **LIFE AS A CRIIIPPLLE!**_ "

Jerking his head about, he let himself nod compromisingly. "AND I HAD TO ATTEND THIS IMPORTANT MEETING, OF COURSE. _IIII_ AM TOO IMPORTANT TO WASTE MY TIME ON UGLY YOUKAI." Your lips are _blue_ and your eyes are freakin'...

"Wi~ll you _shaddap?_ " The red-haired guy readjusts his hat! "I can't _sleep_ 'ere if y'just keep-"

" _ **III DON'T WANT TO HEAR-**_ " ...Peace returns to the planet Earth, as the chief casts a silencing spell on Ken again.

Realizing this himself, Ken jerks his head towards the chief.

Sighing, the Chief taps his cane again.

...Ken speaks again. "I~ don't want to hear-...!" Looking back at the chief again, his face contorts in anger! "What is _this_!?"

"Aah…" The chief blinks. "It's a… 'lower volume spell'. The book said it was useful on bad audiences, but-"

" _I sound like a chil~d!_ " Ken yells as loud as he can, which is still pretty loud!

"It wears off…" Chiefy waves off his concern. "Not sure how long…" Wat. Alright, who the hell's this _noob_ sittin' in as chief…!?

"In _any case,_ " Guard captain Hagane interjects himself, expression vain, "we need a fu-... we need a recovery team for whatever else is left of that caravan. I was about to do that earlier today, but then I had to get ready for _this meeting_."

...Nodding as if he was in a zen-like trance, the chief just stares at him.

"An' why couldn' ya jus' sent a hunter?" Shurui plays with his hat summore, lookin' over at Hagane. "Since it was fairies that broke the cart, I'm sure that old man wit' a sake bottle even coulda smashed their faces in 'n' brought tha' cart right back."

"As if we can _find_ any of them." Hagane countered! "Which is supposed to be _your job_."

"Aa~h, this place you can get from one gate ta the other in one sprint." Waving the jab off, Shurui stares up at the ceiling. "You got a few hundred military boys. A little scavenger hunt oughta be exciting, yeah? Can't jus' keep 'em staring at walls all day in case a _youkai_ mi' pop out."

"Define _sprinting distance_." Hagane bites back…! "...But, _yeah._ I _guess_ we'll cut our losses and move on. As soon as I leave here, I'm looking for that caravan."

"Careful, lad." Shurui keeps poking! "A pretty youkai lady might slap ya in the face and suck ya dick. Wouldn' want that now, would we?"

" _Gentlemen._ " Chief man intervenes! "...You may as well bicker, but keep it formal."

Sitting up, Shurui gestures to the small audience of like eighteen people, including Genkan, Maria, and Aya. "Y' _kidding_ me? This is a _joke_ , man! I remember the day I thought fitty a' a time was sad, but-"

"Shurui." The chief shakes his head at him. "You may be a great youkai exterminator and everything, but you still have a lot to learn when it comes to the village."

"You've been chief for unda' _two months_ , lad." Shurui sits back down… "Hell, the _commoner rep_ 'ere's probably more suited than you, if we talk time."

I don't know about that, son…!

...Ignoring the jab, the chief looks over at Okita, the suited man with the _eyepatch_. "Okita. What was the village's earnings for this month?"

"Twenty-two billion, seven hundred thirty-two million, two hundred thousand, three hundred twenty-six yen." Wh-... holy _shit_ that sounds like a lot. "Additionally, our expenses have amounted to about…"

He glances down at a paper he brought. Someone came prepared! "Twenty-two billion, one hundred twenty-three million, six hundred seventy-three thousand, one hundred thirty-five yen. Our net profit with these values combined is six hundred ten million, five hundred twenty-six thousand, eight hundred sixty-five yen."

"...We definitely seem to have declined in our earnings." Chief stares down at the audience. "What are our profit demographics?"

"...If I may remind you," Okita gave him a vain stare. "...We don't have them."

...It takes some processin' time, but the chief gets this! "Oh, oh, yes, right. We'll have to look for them again next time, stop losing them, yes…"

Why _wouldn't_ they have those? Freakin'...

"That should be enough finance talk, then, yes, wouldn't want to… bore anyone." Smiling, the chief scans us all again…

Y'know, what do we even need a Chief Justice for if we don't have trials? Actually- do we have trials? 'Cause in this town, nine outta ten crimes seem to be solved with a sword to the gut or a bullet to the head!

"How is our armory?" Chiefy looks to the blacksmith…

"Sufficient." One word answer. Ho ho…!

…

That was apparently enough, because the chief moved on. "Any new developments in medicine?"

Masked man Tao looks up from his desk portion! "Aah, why _yes_ , chief! Recently, our team has developed a rather _pleasant_ smelling solvent that prevents the stunning effects of the uncommon 'Denki-no' flower. We'll probably profit off selling it as a perfume, or something."

Good. Credit to team.

"We are _also_ making breakthroughs on _reverse engineering_ the elixirs we've acquired from Eientei." Tao provides. Oo~h…!

Chief's interested, too! "Oh? What'd you learn?"

...Tao nods generally. "It does not work on _dead_ people. This includes the recently dead, long dead, and skeletal remains."

Shurui exhales…! "Y' _do_ know elixir recipes're just-"

"I'm not reading some impetuous, unholy _magus scrawl_ to accomplish my work, Sutoro. Need I remind you the endless flexibility of a human mind compared to a fickle, emotional _youkai brain?_ " Tao's voice's got some edge ta it!

"S'that so different from _usin'_ their crap ta make more of it?" Giving him a hard grin, Shurui counters! "If ya'd open a _book_ sometime-"

"Do not tell _me_ how to learn, accelerated _vermin_." Tao retorts! "We all know you're no good without that arm anymore. Why don't you-"

" _Ryoshi_." Chief interjects! "...Must I arrange a duel for you to stop harping on about this? We will not dishonor his bravery and- and skill, nor his contribution to the village."

"As much as I would _love_ a duel, chief, I've far more _important_ matters to attend to." Tao's voice is noticeably _sharper_ when he's irritated. "I am a man of _science_."

"I'd like ta see ya fight outside 'a tha' big beetle shell you call _armor_." Shurui jabs at his weird fuckoff suit!

"The human body is what we _make it_." Tao clenches his fists…! "A worthless _specimen_ -"

"In _any case_ …" Chief has spoken! "...Akyuu."

Aw. Little miss looks up from her parchment, yo…

"How goes your writing?" The chief speaks to her more leisurely than with the other clowns…!

"It goes well." Nodding, she glances back down at her parchment… "I'm still working on the next edition."

...Nodding, chiefy runs his gaze over the, uh, high priest-

 _Whap!_ "Nhn." He~'s whipped himself again. I wonder if the high priest is also a _high_ priest.

...Letting this set in, chief asks him a question. "Do our churches need more funding?"

...Idly, the priest looks over at him, before tilting his head. "Unlikely."

Does the village even have churches? I've never seen a church-like structure…

"How is the general populace?" Chief asks… a question. What kinda question is that?

"Lost. Searching, and finding." High Priest Toma tilts his head to the other direction. "...About as depressed as usual. I had anticipated more followers, after the educational system broke down… however, it seems they seek solace in the teachings of youkai outsiders."

Aw. I wonder why, yo.

"Unfortunate." Chief shakes his head. "...Give them time and teaching, and I'm sure they'll come around. Aah- Hagane, when will we be able to-"

Sitting up, Shurui flips his chair around wit' his arm and sits in it backwards, with the chair facing away from the desk. "Hey- we kicked out the _one person_ who knows how ta teach, but we still got these religious factions all runnin' about and-"

"I'm _working_ on a _solution_." Hagane's voice comes out hard! "I don't know about you, but it's _pretty fucking hard_ to restrict access when even the Hakurei isn't on your side. Drunkard just waltzes in with her merry band of youkai and youkai affiliates, and suddenly everyone thinks it's open season to just walk in here. We won't get anywhere if we don't put a foot down. I'm sure of it."

...Shurui's staring at the ceiling with a mocking expression.

You know… "What if…" It's time to speak, dude!

...Everyone turns to me 'cause I've been pretty quiet this whole time! Well, so has green suit next to me and blacksmithy- and Akyuu- but…

"What if all youkai aren't bad people?" ...I'm keeping my badge out just to remind everyone I'm not evil!

…

" _ **AAAHHHH!**_ " I've gone and done it, son…! I've awakened the monster! " _HAHAHAHA!_ THAT IS… _**IMPOSSIBLE!**_ _INCONCEEIVABLE! YOUKAI_ WERE BORN TO BE _HUMAN'S_ SWORN FOE! IT IS GOD'S RIGHT, _HONOR_ , _**PRIVILEGE!**_ TO LET US _PROVE OURSELVES!_ "

"Youkai have stronger forms inherently, yes…" Tao's turn to criticize my statement! "But, they _waste_ it. Gruesomely. Tell me, have you ever seen a youkai engineer itself to be stronger?"

...I raise a finger! "Do kappa count?"

" _Themselves_ , child." Tao counters…? "Do they ever build upon their flesh, and create a stronger species?" What the fuck're you…

Actually. "...Does what Eirin have goin' on count-"

"You will _never_ mention her name _again!_ " Oh, shit, Tao doesn't like Eirin, apparently…!

"But- she works on bio stuff!" I'm not shuttin' up just ' _cause_ , though! "How-"

"She is a _fraudulent, smarmy_ , bloody _worm!_ " I'm gettin' Tao pretty riled up, here!

...Then, he sighs. "You just don't understand. I can't expect you to ever understand. I apologize, child." I'm gonna _dynamite_ your _superteeth_ , son…!

Lookin' over at me, the guard captain makes his remarks next. "...Have you ever had a youkai kill your family?"

Well, no. "Have you ever had a _human_ kill your family?" Y'know son, homicidal maniacs are a two-way street…!

"Good men don't do that." The captain retorts.

" _SEELLLDOM HAVE_ I _**EVER**_ HAD TO SENTENCE A GOOD _HUMAN MAN_." Ken projects his voice across the entire Milky Way galaxy.

"Yo, yo." I raise a hand, standin' up…! "Keyword bein', 'good' man. Not all men are good men!"

"You think we don't fu-... we don't know that?" Hagane almost swears at me! "Do you _know_ how many crimes youkai commit compared to men, kid?"

Aw. Nothin' _personnel, kid_. Hyonk, heyonk, heyo~nk…!

"Enlighten me, yo." I give 'em the go ahead! "What's the ratio? Twenty million ta jack _nothing?_ "

He snorts. "Fifty to one."

" _HUHAHAHAHAAA!_ " That freakin' laugh, dude…!

Well, that's nice and all, but… "So how many 'a them youkai're actually _youkai?_ " Considering how the guard is…!

...Hagane just looks at me like I'm retarded. "What?"

"Your men, do they actually know who the hell's a youkai and who isn't?" That seems like a pretty big oversight! "'Cause-"

"Oh, _shut up_." Grinning, he waves me off. "Wha~t, someone stop you from stealing a purse? My men're as loyal as they need to be." This isn't about loyalty son…! Where'd you even- freakin'...!

"The only good man is a smart man." Tao inserts his derangement into the conversation…! "Those who seek anything else are worthless and weak. Liabilities." Cool the _e~dge…!_

Freakin'...

Looking over at _green-suit_ next ta me, I wave an arm at him! "...What's your opinion, yo?"

...He blinks at me. "I shoot youkai." Good opinion.

"Hagh- Hagane." Whatever your name is! I look back at 'em! "Do your men _actually_ have consistency-"

"Who gave you your badge? Name 'em." He grins wider at me.

" _Meira._ " Actually, it was that poor fella named George, but he served under Meira I think, so… good enough!

...At that, his grin fades a little. "Seriously?"

"You still haven't answered my question…!" I'm not gonna let this shit go, son! "Do ya _men_ know how to tell who's a _youkai_ 'n' _who-_ "

"Yeah!" He snaps! "Yeah they _do!_ The hell do _you_ know!?"

...Shakin' my head, I stand back, pushin' my chair all freakin' smarmily…! "Look, dude. They call _me_ a youkai, they call _Reimu_ a youkai- we're _a~ll_ youkai now, dude!"

"Maybe if you stopped dressing like a stripper we wouldn't make that mistake." Hagane glares over at my kimono and exposed nature…!

And, yeah? "Maybe if you guys _had a spell_ that _detected_ youkai- at the very least-"

"I think that's quite enough…" Chief _had_ to butt in, dude. Had had no choice _but_ to. "...Um, Treeg, to our knowledge, there _isn't_ such a thing as a youkai detecting spell."

Yeah, okay. It's _magic._ You can scry, you can make the Hakurei barrier, you can nuke the entire world, but you can't tell if someone's a human or not. Seems legit, son.

"I have confidence in our military to identify and… respond to threats." Nodding confidently, the chief smiles. "I'm sure our people do, too."

"Today, I _am_ the people, son." I'm on a roll now, son. "And-"

"Well, _you_ are just… one person." Chief makes his own counter! It's all-star mode, dude! "All things _considered_ , I am of firm belief… that our people know how we operate and appreciate it." Pffft…

Yeah, appreciate you freakin' muggin' them because they _dress funny_. Your military of like, a few hundred sword dudes versus… y'know…

"Now…" The chief looks around. "On to the next-"

Not done yet, son! "Yo. _Yo._ "

...He gives me the stinkeye! "We are to go onto our _next matter_ of-"

"It's important." Bullshit school bargaining skills go! "It's an emergency. Very important. Please. If you don't lemme dude, I'll piss myself." ...Maybe I should dial those skills back a bit!

...Giving me a hard grin, the chief shakes his head and throws an arm up. " _Fine._ "

...Takin' a breath, I speak! "How many youkai are in Gensokyo?"

...Blinking, the chief looks around. "Hmm. That's actually... a fine question…"

" _ **TOOOOO MANY!**_ " Yes, thank you, fuck…!

Standing up again, Hagane huffs. "To my knowledge, there are… numerous youkai outside the village."

...You must be some kinda fuckin' _brain genius_ or somethin'. Not just one youkai outside the village, _numerous_. That's a fuckin'...!

" _Numerous_ youkai." Shurui called him out on that, too! "Wha~, you mean there ain't just one? Aw shit…"

"It's not like we know _how many_." Frowning, Hagane pivoted over to him, before gazing out into the general speaking area again. "That's simply impossible."

" _TOOOO MAAANYYY!_ " You need to get strep throat.

"More common than _vermin_ , and twice as pesky." Tao, what's with you and _vermin_?

I place my arms on my desk bit! "...Well, if youkai are just _everywhere_ , and _youkai_ can include just… gods, animals, colorful people- _anybody_ , including vastly powerful freakin' demigod behemoth people, wizards, technological warlords, space aliens, and the _elements themselves_ … is no one gonna question how they haven't just _waltzed_ right on in and instantly killed us?"

Like… not only are we outnumbered, we are outgunned, outwitted, outmagick'd, outscience'd, outresourced, and… freakin', we're a colony of _ants_ by comparison…!

"Too _stupid_." Tao, you're not helping. Everyone who's not you falls under that classification. Maybe the reverse!

"YOU _OVERESTIMATE_ THEIR FEEBLE, _SLIMY_ _ **SCALES!**_ _ALLLLL_ IT TAKES IS A _BULLET TO THE_ _ **BELLY!**_ " Ken, I don't wanna hear this from a man who drove a clown car into an oni and _broke it._

"We're doing something right if that hasn't happened." Hagane smirks at me. "Guess we should keep it up." Son.

"You say that…!" I raise my finger! "Except! I see Yuuka, Suika, other powerful people just _walkin' around_ , not a single care in the world!"

"We're adapting to them." Hagane replies to the surface level value of my statement… "My _predecessors_ haven't given me much to work offa'. Give me a month or two, we'll find ways. If it moves, we can make it _stop_."

"So why don't they just blow you up before then?" Assuming you can even accomplish that. "Like, walk up, slam buildings, dead. Rocks fall, everyone dies. What's stoppin' them?"

…

Aw. That one was a real _brain twister_ innit?

"Probably…" Oh, boy. Hagane's joggin' that noggin'! "The-"

"They're _complacent_." Tao, where the hell-

"Maybe they just really like our flowers and alcohol." Okita jokes formally…!

"The _youkai religions_." Hagane publishes his thoughts! "And the Hakurei. As long as we remain weak and affiliated- as long as the youkai are able to syphon _something_ valuable from us, they hold back."

Oh, man. So close yet so far. Do they just _not know_ they feed off fear, or…? Actually, yeah, they wouldn't, 'cause that'd kinda defeat the point, wouldn't it? Aw, shit…

"That's kinda~..." He's losin' me on that theory, there. "Y'got anything on that? Like, proof stuff?"

...Giving me a vain stare, he replies. "Well, why the hell else are they so invested? Like you said, why don't they just walk up and fuck us?"

Thank you~. "Maybe they… don't want to." I grin-

"Because they want something." He grins back!

"What could they even want." I spread my arms out…! "What if they want _friendship?_ Or ta just spread their religion?"

"And if that benefits them and screws us over?" He glares at me. "Sure was a fuckin' smart thing to do, huh!? Let them in and fuck us up the ass!"

" _How_ do ya _know that_ , son!?" I beg for real answers!

"Because youkai _kill people!_ " He kicks his chair back! "You dense motherfucker!"

"And, the village's been real good wit' Keine gone, innit?" I point out how her absence is a thing and probably not helping.

"...I'm sure she _fucked over_ her fair share." Man, Hagane's just goin' all in, ain't he…!?

"Now, now…" Chiefy waves a hand. "Let's not speak ill of Kamishirasawa. Youkai she may have been-"

"Fu-... _Chief_." Hah. Can't swear at your superiors, son! "...Fine. But we all know what she could have done." Coulda woulda shoulda. 'Could' is not a strong argument…!

Sitting back down, Hagane seethes. "Someone tell this kid to watch his damn mouth."

"But dude…" I lean onto my desk bit to get a good look at 'em yo. "What if… it was just _sentient beings_ killing _sentient beings?_ " Let's break it down, dude!

"Wiseass." He's not listening anymore, is he? "Talk to the fashion reject over there."

"'Sentient' is a _big word_ for someone of your _status_." Tao, I'm gonna crack your armor open like a lobster shell and freakin' cast ya to the fluffs.

"Okay…" I place a hand down. "What makes a _youkai_ different from-"

"Who let this youkai sympathizing piece of shit in here?" Hagane's pretty pissed with me! "We sure that badge is real? Shurui-"

"S'real." Shurui's got his arm on the desk, head propped on it.

...Hagane frowned, turning to him. "You didn't even-"

"Saw it 'fore, s'real." Shurui just don't give a fuck, yo.

…

Akyuu's been real quiet, dude…

Making a soft expression, I look over at her and call out gently. "Hey…"

...Too gentle, she can't hear me! "Hey…! Akyuu friend!"

...Snapping up from her parchment after a delay, she smoothly tilts her head over to me. Aw…!

Man, she's _such_ a contrast compared to her entire row. Fat bald blue-lipped, serrated _thing,_ a _masked nightmare_ , a- a _freak_ , and a cute anime girl. "You've been pretty quiet, friend."

"Don't heckle her." Hagane tries to stop me!

"I'll heckle _you, son!_ " I bark back at him…! Then, I return to Akyuu. "Aha- hi."

She smiles politely. "U~m… I just don't feel like… adding to this… meeting."

Ha~h? Aw. "But, friend…!"

She looks back down at her parchment. Ma~n, if Shurui and Akyuu were as into this shit as me right now, we could start a civil war. Actually, maybe let's not do that…

...The chief puts his hands down on his desk bit again. "And now-"

"Hey, about the Golden Grin." Not allowed to progress, son. We're gonna be at this meeting until fucking Christmas.

He just sighs… "Yes?"

"Ain't that ran by Yukari? Yakumo?" Speaking of youkai involvement…

…

"No?" Captain Hagane shakes his head. "I forget who, but I _would_ like to see those rabbits get the hell out of there."

"The land is registered to a Maribel Hearn." Okita supplies the ownership! Also, freakin'... "She was a rather youthful and mature blonde." So it _is_ Yukari.

…

"Can I go on now?" The chief looks like he's had it up ta here…! "This meeting has likely been extended by another three hours thanks to this deviation." Wh- what could we possibly keep talking about. Are you… serious?

...Groans all around. Yeah, you know what? Me too! "Nn~gh….!"

I take a glance down at the peanut gallery…

That wind fairy has adopted a curious posture…

Maria's using Genkan's lap as a pillow. Pf- wh- aa~h…!

...Genkan herself seems to have reinforced her chair with _ice_. No one's even batted an eye or argued with her.

Aya's… still going strong with that note taking! Hoh, shit!

…

"Now, then…" Chiefy stretches a little. "Aa~h. Now, onto the matter… of the _Hakurei_." We're going to be here until the fucking sun rises, dude.

Turn one: the _big gulp_. "SUCH A _WEAK_ , _**FEEEEBLE**_ _LITTLE_ YOUKAI SLAVE, WHO THINKS... THAT WHAT SHE DOES IS _**JUSTIIICE!**_ WE SHOULD SHOW HER WHAT **JUSTIIIICE** _REALLY_ _**IIIIS!**_ "

"How _is_ she so powerful?" Tao rubs his masked chin. "I know I always say this, but- _why?_ " Apparently you guys don't know what faith is either. Good.

"As long as she keeps out, I don't care." Hagane folds his arms. "But we know she _won't_. Wants to profit, wants to spread her crappy religion."

Tao shakes his head. "You know, I always learn _so much…_ " Then wistfully, he exhales. "From a _live dissection_."

...

...Are we the bad guys du~de!? That sounds like a pretty bad guy thing to say! Like- I don't freakin' know about you, but…!

"Tao." Even Hagane doesn't agree! "She's still a _girl._ "

" _A~nd?_ " ...How do you express a smirk through _voice_ when you have no facial capacity? God dammit…!

"Remind me ta kill myself if yer my doc." Shurui jeers at 'em…!

"Don't worry, Sutoro. The pleasure is _mine_." Tao tilts his head in retort!

...I'm waiting for their plan to be 'let's take the Hakurei Shrine and push it somewhere else'.

…

"Some youkai hunters went up ta the Hakurei Shrine in a raid once…" Shurui smiled. "They came back changed men, y'know? As if any of the hooligans from the village'd match up."

Tao shakes his head. "You think all wrong, Sutoro. All we need is a cunning plan, and a cunning _trap_."

Shurui tilts his head, gaining a skeptical half-smirk. "Ha~h? Yeah? What kinda _plan_ you think'd work, then? Hakurei're pretty smart, y'know."

"Simple." Tao shakes his head. "We lure her into a room, then we gas her."

...Shurui shifts in his seat, uncomfortable from the freakin'... _wooden chair_. "Wha' if she breaks the room?"

"We'll station men with ballistic weapons around the doors." Tao reaffirms.

"An' she's just not supposed ta notice…" Shurui's expression becomes vain again.

...Huffing, Tao continues again! "All it takes- I'm sure- is a good incision to the gut. A clean cut, be it blade, harpoon, or bullet- but…" He relents, actually! "That might damage her. We need a way to restrain her."

"Restrain the girl that can summon crushing orbs at will." Shurui lies down on his desk… "Why'd we hire ya again?"

"We obviously _knock her out_ , you _sub-normal halfwit_. Gas, or impact to the skull." Tao is determined to see this through! "...Or darts. Hmm. _Ye~s…_ "

Magic? Wha~t's magic? Who ha whah?

He begins tracing his finger through the air, bringing it down smoothly, as if sliding it down a pane of glass. "Then, once we have her reserves depleted, we would be free to simply slice open the central cavity. Brush her smooth, pale skin with an even smoother, exact-"

" _Sto~p!_ "

Ooh, hoh! That wind fairy came whirling up to the center of the room!

" _What!?_ " Tao jerks back!

" _ **AAAAAHHHH!**_ " Ken helps no one!

Hagane jolts onto his feet. " _Fairy!_ " Dear god, it's a fairy, Jesus save us…!

 _Cli- click_. Jerking out of his own chair, the farmer baron dude drew two… _guns_ of some kind from his waist, aiming them at the fairy.

...Genkan's got her arm held up as if to stop the fairy, but retracts it since it's obviously a little late now…

Shurui's still laxin' in his chair…

" _WHY_ IS THIS _FOOOL_ STILL _BREATHING_ _ **MYYY AIIIIIIRRR!?**_ _"_ ...I mean, he _sounds_ like he'd need a lot of it!

"This… isn't what she wanted…!" The wind fairy expresses more emotion than in our entire previous conversation! That is, 'slightly less stoic' as opposed to 'monotone'.

"Take the shot?" Farmer Joe looked over at the guard captain!

"Ye- yes!" Hagane was on the desk, but his pathfinding denied him the pleasure of breaking his legs. "Do it!"

 _Kshoo~f!_ The fancy farmer shot like a _steel peg_ from his weird bow-esque thing-

 _Cli~ng!_ With a swipe of her hand, the fairy batted it aside, a visible slash of wind parrying the bolt. "Where's the Hakurei village…? Where's-"

 _Kshoo~f!_ Green-suited farmer shooter man fired another peg!

 _Cli~ng!_ She parried that one-

 _Fwi- whi- whi- whish!_ A fierce-looking wind shield generates around her form…! "Ts- Tsu-chan…"

 _Bam!_ Ken fired a flintlock bullet at her, from a gun he musta had under his desk-

 _Bam!_ Tao fired his own flintlock at her. " _Leech!_ "

 _Ti- ti~ng!_ The projectiles were deflected to the floor by the wind shield…

"Someone!" She calls out! "Where do the Hakurei live now!?"

 _Ba- ba- bam!_ Ken, Tao, and Hagane all fire more flintlocks-

 _Ti- ti- ti~ng!_ It ends about the same as it did before!

"You know…" Blinking, the chief looked about-

Cli- click. The farmer attached a hook to the end of his left gun-

 _Kshoo~f!_ Clink! He fired it at the ceiling, catching it on a beam above-

"Hup!" Leaping from his desk portion, his gun acted as a grappling hook, allowing him to coast down towards the floor, before the weapon cut the rope and let him roll. "Hngh…"

"Please!" She continues calling for information! "My wind isn't collected enough to allow me to-"

 _Clink!_ Tao fires a _net_ from some kinda tubular device he had on him-

She ducks beneath it, frowning deeper. "I know the Hakurei! Please!"

"EVEN _**WOOOORSE!**_ " Ken bellows at her…!

"Now- people…" Chief stands up, holding his arms out… "People if you'd just-"

 _Patatatatat!_ Does Ken have some kinda _machine gun on 'em!?_

 _Ti-ti-ti-ti-ti~ng!_ Yeah, that went about as well as anticipated.

"Stop _shooting_ , you fat bastard!" The farmer looks down at the bullet holes in the ground before him! "You're gonna hit _me_ if you keep-"

 _Patatatatat!_ Naturally, Ken keeps firing-

"Everybody, _shut the hell up!"_

...The room goes quiet as Shurui is now suddenly atop his desk, a single arm comfortably around his waist, upon his holstered sword.

Ken's even stopped firing, yo.

"Why fucking should we!?" Hagane grimaces at 'em. "Whose side're you-"

Shurui snaps his head to him.

…

"Aa- aah…" Hagane flops back into his chair, for some reason. "Fuck off…" Whah?

...Looking back over at the fairy, Shurui brings his hand off his sheathe, and beckons her. "C'mere, girl. I won't bite." He pats his knee for emphasis. "I'll give ya a candy. Actually- that… whatever."

...The fairy blinks at him.

He pats his knee faster. "I'll make sure ya don't get _shot_ on the way out if ya get over here…!"

Slowly, the fairy drifts towards him, her shield still raging. "Will you help me?"

...He takes a lollipop from one of his off pockets. "Yeah, here you go…"

She ignores the offering. "Do you know anyone named Tsu-ch-... Tsubasa-ken?"

"Don't ring any bells…" Shurui shakes his head, slowly lowering the lollipop. "...Yer looking for Hakurei, ain't'cha?"

"The Hakurei village, yes…!" Giving him a small smile, she nods gratefully. "This can't be it. No one would have wanted this."

"There ain't one." Shurui broke it to her.

…

She doesn't blink.

"I couldn't've even been a kid when the Hakurei dwindled down ta one member at a time…" Shurui recounted what he knew. "I'm 'fraid stuff like that's been long lost ta history."

…

Bringing her hands to her face, the fairy covered her eyes. "Ts- Tsu-chan… no…"

...After a moment, she drifted away from him, panning her gaze to me, then to my party down in the audience-

 _Bam!_ _Ting!_ Ken's reloaded his flintlock and taken a potshot in this time, but it doesn't really mean anything.

 _Fwi- fwish._ Her form and shield seemingly collapse, before expanding in a different spot in the room's airspace, in some kinda trippy looking teleport.

 _Fwish_. She teleports out of the room, a lingering, powerful gale whipping at our clothes and hair as she departs…

…

Most of the non-combative members of the meet begin to defluff, while others-

" _RUN!_ _ **RUUUN!**_ _HU_ HAHAHAHA!" -seem to still be hyped about what just happened…!

...Okita's still seated in the same posture as before, like nothing happened.

...Akyuu's rising from beneath the desk, casting aside some sort of metal sheet she'd defended herself with.

High Priest Toma looks entirely unfazed by the recent transgression! Not sure what his fazed expression would be!

That farmer's walking around at the bottom restlessly, stranded.

"Well…" Frazzled, the chief looks around at all of us, before huffing. "We~ll with that, I think, uh, we could end the meeting… a _little_ early?"

"Sounds good." Shurui's on board! "Not like we have anythin' else ta talk about anyway."

...The chief stares down at his desk portion. "Well, that's not… _entirely_ true-"

"Sounds good ta _me!_ " The farmer calls back up to us. "I've had my fun for today…!"

...The chief pans his gaze around-

The blacksmith gets up, as does the high priest.

"Ye- yeah…" Akyuu hesitantly gets up, parchment folded up and heavy metal sheet beneath an arm…

"There is _research_ to be done." Tao pushes away from the desk and marches off. "I don't have _time_ to deal with this." Cool.

I guess I'll sta~nd, too…! Those exits to the left and right of the upper level still exist, so~...

Okita smoothly stands, before turning and easily making his way out.

"Ha- aah…" Hagane stumbles out of his chair, clutching his chest. "What-... what the _fuck…?_ "

"Hu~p…" Shurui just _jumps_ right off the upper level-

-before rolling on the bottom level, transitioning smoothly to a slow stride towards the exit. Oh…!

...Chief Justice Ken slowly lumbers out of his chair, shaking his head.

Looks like it's time for me to get outta here! Don't really wanna hang around with _any_ of these faces. Except for Akyuu, because she's soft and cuddly. Ooo- maybe if I get out fast enough, I can catch her…

Taking the side door out, I see that it's just an extension of the long hall from the front of the building, and it just went around the side and up some stairs. Dude, carpeted stairs…

Following Okita towards the exit, I make sure to _keep my kimono secure_ so my everythings aren't exposed to the wind and rain, yo.

...Down some stairs and past many completely decorative and unused chairs, tables and other table-esque _tables_ , I find myself at the main lobby…

Genkan and Maria are there. Maria's rubbing the sleepies from her eyes…

"Hey." Genkan drifts up to me once I get in range, yo…

"Hello, world." Ho ho ho.

"...That was an experience." She's not sure what to say about that ordeal…! "I think I have a new perspective… on how poorly this village operates."

"Me too…!" That wa~s enlightening…!

"They're not all bad people, but…" Maria nods compromisingly! "Some of them are. And others are just kinda scary…"

...Idly, we progress towards the door. Before we talk more, we should get the hell outta here before somethin' stupid happens…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We are now… outside.

Stars hang in the night sky as we make our way down the road…

"It's gonna be hard to sleep…" Maria stared up at the speckled black above. "That nap we took earlier made us nocturnal…"

"Night's better than day, anyway." Floating forward, Genkan leads our progression back towards the main roads. "...Speaking of, should we go anywhere in this time?"

...As nice as it'd be to get put into a coma by her hugs, I'm thinking we should stop by the Hakurei Shrine, if only to egg Reimu on about starting shit in the village for the sake of cleaning up this freakin'... _hellstorm_ of insanity.

"Probably the shrine so we can get Reimu to come down here and beat up some noobs." I decide on our plan of action! "Mostly 'cause I overheard her say she wanted to clean things up before that _unholy fairypalooza_ fucked everyone up."

"That would be wise." Genkan agrees! "I have a strong feeling the village and the shrine maiden are _not_ on the same page."

These posh roads are _well lit,_ yo. Help, no.

…

"I guess night time _is_ pretty nice looking…" Maria checks out Gensokyo's nightly light show in the sky. "It always makes me afraid, though…"

"Aw. Wha's there ta be 'fraid of?" Ho~h shit, that's Shurui's voice…!

Looking to the side, we see Shurui walkin' along beside us! He's got one arm behind his head leisurely…

"Hello, friend." I greet the one-armed swordsman!

"Cute little posse ya got goin' on, here." He gave me a toothy grin. "I was wonderin' who invited a yuki-onna to tha' party…!"

"...I'm not exactly _discreet_ , am I?" Keeping her gaze on him, Genkan continues to step along with us. "What let you on?"

"Aah, you get an eye for that sorta thing." He dismisses his techniques! "No one'll guess otherwise. Erryone still thinks yuki-onna're some bloodletters like young vampires or wolfmen."

"...I see." At that, Genkan stares ahead, taking her gaze off him. "Why have you come to us?"

"Some chit-chat 'n' time killin'." He stares up at the stars as he walks along with us. "Tha' wind fairy was pretty interestin', weren't she?"

"Yeah, yo." I nod. "We found her in a rock."

He snorts. "A rock, huh? Yeah, I reckon you'd find a lotta things in rocks these days…"

After rounding some corners, we are now back on mainstreet! There's only some guards about now, since it's night, but no one seems to so much as consider bothering us with Shurui here.

"So ya guys all marchin' on up to the Hakurei Shrine?" He gives us a grin. "Not scared by the big bad stories of tha' 'youkai miko'?"

Yeah, _yo_. "We're actually on a _ritual suicide_ _pilgrimage_ to be consumed by her, yo. She is one and she is many."

...He gives me a funny look! "Ahah, that so. Mind if I tag along? Some fresh air'll be good for the pores, yeah?"

"Sure." He seems chill enough!

 _Woo~sh_. Aw. I am _freezing_ my _ass_ off here. How's this guy getting by in shorts and a freakin'... loose casual shirt!?

As we make our way to the Hakurei Shrine-most gate, Maria speaks…! "...It- it's Shurui, isn't it?"

"Mhm!" Still staring at the sky!

"How come I never see you around the village?" Maria asks the fun question, yo.

...He looks over at her, before smiling. "Aah. Well, let's just say… I've been relaxin'."

"He _does_ only have one arm now." Genkan mentions his crippling condition…! "I don't imagine life comes easily for him."

"Somethin' like that." He doesn't really seem to mind it himself, though…! "Yeah. Took it real hard, mmm."

"How'd you lose it?" Maria pours salt in the wound, yo…! Not that it seems like he cares, though…

...He gives us a grin. "Y'might be a _little_ young fer that one, lad. Pretty strong beast he was, though. Raza~h sharp teeth, _this_ big!"

 _Woosh!_ He jumps to accent his point! And holy _shit_ that's a high jump for a guy with one arm. Nearly cleared a house with that one…!

 _Thud_. He lands a little hard, before resuming regular stride.

"You jump high…!" Maria does not let this slip!

...He brings his one hand to the back of his head. "Ah, yeah, I do, I guess."

...I think the better question is how his _hat_ stayed on through that.

We come up on the gate out. Genkan wants to say somethin', but suppresses it as we near it-

"Lemme." Pre-emptively moving before we're really even near it, Shurui makes for the gate himself. "I know this guy." Ooo.

...Stepping up to the guard, he stares him down!

"Oh- hey!" The guard snaps to attention! "I- I…"

Thud. He~ collapses?

...Moving over to the crank, Shurui uses his one arm to reel open the gate himself. "He~re we are…"

After careful observation, Genkan feels the need to state something! "You're different from other humans."

"Wha' makes ya say that?" Moving up to the gate, he looks around on the outside. "These guys up 'n' fell asleep on the job, they did. Guess I spooked 'em!"

"You made them collapse." Ooo~! Icy analysis, yo! "Your strength isn't quite human, either."

...Looking over at her, he smiles. "That's sill~y. I mean, granted, I _am_ an excellent jumpa', I don't think there's such a thing as a-..." He pauses to find words! "What, knockout magic? Tha's technically danmaku, but y'know what I mean."

...Genkan withholds further judgement. Hoh.

...He takes a glance at me before exiting out the door. "So, you kinda fed up with how the village goes about its business, too?"

"Ye ye ye, ye ye." That can be agreed upon! "They're genociding innocent lolis, dude. Also generally making everyone's ease of living messier…!"

"Mmm~..." Nodding, he begins to move down the path to the shrine. "Why don' we go see wha' Reimu has ta say 'bout it? I'm interested in that 'clean up' plan 'a hers you mentioned, and it's not like I'm'onna be arsed to look inta it otherwise."

...As I exit the gate, I notice a guard on the left that's passed out. There seems to be some kinda girl passed out in the bushes ahead, and a few night fairies on the right are lying on the ground, too. What happened out here…!?

 _Fwish_. Aw, that wind fairy! She came back, dude!

"...I know where many things are, now." She communicates with us…! "I wish I didn't. I'll… get over it."

"Awful powerful wind fairy…" Shurui gives her a glance as we move on ahead! "...Ooa~h! She's from that rock below the square, ain't she? Hahaha! Aa~h, by the time I foun' that proper, I only had one arm! An', y'know, didn' really feel like bringin' a harpist jus' for to get 'em killed if we woke up somethin' mean or sprung a nasty trap."

"Tsu-chan wouldn't…" The fairy whipped her head towards him! "...I keep forgetting, how long it's been."

"Who tha' hell's this 'Tsu-chan'?" Shurui asks one of the better questions!

"...My friend." The fairy stares into the distance. Aw, real descriptive…

"...Okay." Shurui just raises his eyebrows and keeps movin' on ahead!

This makes a good opportunity for Genkan to supply information, yo. "To our understanding… the individual she speaks of is a Hakurei ancestor."

"Explains why I never heard 'a her." He nods… "Well, if it makes ya feel any better, _one_ Hakurei's still alive."

"...It's better than _none._ " The fairy concedes. "I'm still very upset." You are far better at containing your emotions than many people…!

…

Maria glances around, before noticing me freakin' shivering in my _fifty percent ice resistant kimono_. Why is it this _co~ld!?_

...Briefly, she moves over to the edge of the path-

"Fire!" Ho ho!

 _Fwam!_ She ignites a tubby branch on the ground…

...Picking it up, she looks around a little sheepishly as pretty much everyone watches her. "Um… light."

Oh yeah, lighting. The stars're so bright tonight that lighting's not an immense issue, but-

Once everyone starts to ignore her, she passes the burning wood to me. "Here…"

"Yo ho ho…" I accept the vaguely warm torch! "I am now the torchbearer."

...I see the shrine steps comin' up!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 74

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Robot Demolisher, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Factory Disassembler, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Has Forgotten What Half of These Titles Stood For, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Hard Winter - A earth/ice-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice! Allows the user to cast Ice Shard. Extends combo length by one artificially. Allows the user to jump out out of combos smoothly, and leave frost in their trail.

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I would like to know where it actually puts all my stuff though…

==o==

WEAPONS:

Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! It better, with a name like 'Swordbreaker'. Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! May cast Flash, an attack that blinds; works best on darkness elementals and youkai. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can cast Gust. By the addition of a steel block, its attack and magic attack increased slightly. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites stuff on impact. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle, allowing the user to cast Flamethrower Plus! Allows the user to cast Fume.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Can produce limitless fresh water. Boosts the power of water skills. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style; physical attack increased, physical defense lowered. User bleeds out faster. Can cast Revenge, an attack that increases in power the lower the user's health is. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to let it cut!

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Lowers defense slightly. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger is slightly electric and holy elemental. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy…

==o==

ARMOR:

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Seventy-five percent time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!

Yuki-onna Kimono - Genkan's stock kimono. It's a little big on me, and smells like wet. Fifty percent ice resistance, probably debuffs fire and burning resist to some degree.

Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! Fifty percent sun resistance, one hundred percent freezing and blinding resistance. Also gives immunity to electrical stunning. It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.

Lunarian Prototype Space Suit - A suit meant for combat in deep space. So far, it's only got the whole 'exist in deep space' part down…! One hundred percent electric resistant. One hundred percent freezing resistant. Has an oxygen tank, but that's only useful if you wear the helmet to go along with it. Randomly casts Zero Gravity when it feels like it.

Lunarian Prototype Deep Space Helmet - It's a freakin' helmet. Fifty percent blinding resistant! When worn with the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit, it also confers immunity to burning and poison, along with another one hundred percent electricity resistance. Yo…!

Testing Oxygen Tank - The oxygen tank used by the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit. Lasts for two and a half minutes! Not meant to actually be used outside of testing, but it's possible. Refills automatically in breathable air.

MP Prize Pin - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field. For awhile only the user(s) of this badge may pick them up, but after a grace period anyone can. Extends prize grabbing range!

Sun Badge - Fifteen percent sun resistance when equipped. Fifty percent resistance to blinding and electrical stunning. Replaces the on-impact effect of all weapons with Sunfire Flare when worn.

==o==

CONSUMABLES/OTHER:

Forty-one thousand, two hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!

Four Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Mega Potion - Youkai-like regen for thirty seconds… except for the whole family! Applies to entire party. Good for when we all suck at life!

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Three Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on debuffs, though...

Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Hina's Bad Luck Talisman - I remembe~r! Upgrades a weapon to debuff luck on strike and stuff!

Rope of Red Bikinis - Wahaha! Gonna getcha, son!

Sacred Eagle Feather - A gift from a rambler. It's… sentimental, I think? Help.

Some Fancy Key - A key lent to me by Brittany. Wha- why. What's it for…!?

Youkai Exterminator Badge - I still have this, dude! Yo ho ho! Allows me to not be considered a youkai by most guardsmen!

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I really have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

==o==

Genkan, the Yuki-onna - A bitter yuki-onna from Gensokyo's wildlands, mostly active in the winter, and on particularly cold days. Heals from ice damage. Commands powerful control over frost, and has a wide variety of ice-affinity attacks. Weak to fire and burning.

SKILLS:

Ice Control - Freely use ice to make stuff. Inherent one hundred percent ice resistance.

Freeze - Instantly freezes one to two enemies. Low chance of working on stronger foes.

Creaking Freeze - Generates a spinning, magic snowflake in an enemy's body, which instantly freezes them after a moment. High accuracy.

Glacier - Erects a massive blade of ice from the ground, dealing incredible physical ice damage.

Triple Glacier - See above, but on three enemies! As such, costs triple the mana!

Ice Spin - Spins and lashes out with chilling frost. Probably just an extension of her normal frost powers and not an actual skill…

Yuki-onna's Embrace - Hug. Binds target close to her. Makes the target tired, severely lowers accuracy and magical defense, and makes them comfortable. Skill may only be performed by yuki-onna. Negative facets reduced by ice and freezing resist. Someone with over a hundred resistance will be buffed and healed by it…!

Yuki-onna's Entombment - Final, optional stage of the hug…! Guaranteed instant death inflicted by the draining of vitality. Heals the user for the heat taken from the target. Does not work well on bosses or the instant death resistant. Instant death proc is nullified if the target's ice or freezing resistance is over fifty percent. Skill may only be performed by yuki-onna.

Other Skills - Probably has more spells, but freakin'... I dunno her like a textbook!

INVENTORY:

Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means business, son. One hundred percent ice resistance, and as such renders one immune to all magical ice damage. Dunno 'bout icicles and stuff, though. Fifty percent freeze resistance… not that freezing will hurt with this thing on. Fifty percent dark resistance. Negative fifty percent fire and burning resistance. Hopefully hides you a bit when navigating in the freakin' brush...

Money - Apparently.

I dunno - What would I~ have if I was a sexy ice woman?

[unknown spaces remaining]

==o==

Maria, the Actually Ordinary Magician - A villager from the human village. Used to run the most impoverished bar ever, but that fell under or something. Really low self-esteem! No known resistances or weaknesses. Can cast basic elemental spells!

INVENTORY:

Wood Staff - Good for bonking things!

Raggedy Clothing - Low quality, old clothes from the village. Keeps her covered.

[Travel Bag] - Inventory that exists! Does not take up inventory because it is inventory. Eight slots.

Two Mana Potions - Guess wha~t? It heals, except mana!

[six spaces remaining]

==o==

Shurui, the Head Youkai Exterminator - One-armed human from the village. Apparently the leader of them, too! Dresses casually, even in the winter time. No resistances, because he's a squishy human like me.

INVENTORY:

Casual Clothing - It's casual, dude…

Copper Shortsword - Stabby blade! Fit for one-armed combat!

Unknown - Probably not a lot, since those shorts don't look like they can hold much…

SKILLS?:

High Jump - Jump high!

Make A Boy Sleep - He can make boys go to sleep! Night night, noo~bs! Probably not the actual name of this skill…!

[unknown slots remaining]

==o==

Unnamed Wind Elemental Fairy - A fairy from the early days of Gensokyo and beyond. I don't know about you, but she might be wind resistant…!

INVENTORY:

Archaic Fairy Rags - Pretty different looking from what fairies wear today. Green and yellows!

Unknown - Help…! Can't see…! Lemme in…!

[no slots remaining]

SKILLS:

Zephyr Shield - Impenetrable wind shield. Not actually, but the damage required to break through is probably stupid high. Deflects all projectiles.

Warp - Teleports, apparently. Hoh.

==o==

AUTHOR'S NOTE

HAPPY HOOLAWEEN DUDE

for future friends: this batch was published on hoolawin

also happy anniversary to FREAKIN GENSOKYO, again! it was back on the 16th - w -

not sure what to say yo…!

It's been a long road, again! We're nearing conclusionary parts at _some point_ but again not like soon soonish, I've still got things I wanna do and get done before I even start thinking about the cap-off for this fic.

Group dynamics are a new direction for this fic sort of! I've had Brad travel with friends before but Maria and Genkan're kinda more prominent buddies than whenever I just kinda casually traveled with a named touhou for safety or otherwise. I do have more experience with consistent parties though, namely GENSOKYOBOUND and Sendai Hakurei no Miko Mode.

...Okay, it's not _that_ new, is it? XD I dunno yo…!

First review regarding this fic's raunchiness! Therefore I think I'll give a general statement to that sorta thing- I already gave them a private reply, but I wanna just kinda lay down somethin' I want everyone to consider…

Censorship's a strong concept, and individual interpretation of a topic is always subjective. To cater to all the possible individual _potential_ problems with abstract conversation and depiction in a work (where removal / rearrangement / omission is concerned and not actual artistic choice) is both demeaning to the artist- game designer, writer, anyone creating- and demeaning to those who actually suffer from an issue. They are not helped when discussion of it is barred, dismantled and systematically chastised for existing in all contexts and formats and brands of original interpretation; as opposed to only positive or filtered, specific contexts. It's counter-productive, and while _theoretically_ helps those who may be triggered by any reminder, it also demeans those who can deal with their emotions and, I guess in layman's terms, 'counter-trigger' them. There's more effective solutions to discussion than simply telling someone to shut up- be it outright or in an attempt to censor their 'apparently' harmful speech, depiction, creation or decisions, even if such harm is abstract, theoretical and emotional.

...The only reason this fic don't got sex in it, is 'cause ratings told me so! And 'cause I don't trust myself to not make it cringy! I mean, I've had some _unpublished practice if ya know what I'm sayin'_ and _let me tell you, pacing in sex scenes is/can be sexy in and of itself_ but I dunno. If anyone actually _wants_ to make derivative content, though, be my guest…! Just, y'know, reference the fact I exist if my characters do too, for courtesy and reference's sake.

That, and sex needs quite tactful placing 'n' pacing or else it just loses its impact and oomph. Like- consummation of an actual relationship, not so much spamming lewds always. Not that well-executed spam in some places will be bad, but…

But enough about the pervy topics…!

I think the plot is still coherent! I have been doing… consistent events, albeit not necessarily arcs! It helps when my character actually gets vaguely attached to things and doesn't just disconnect from the world and phase into his own plane of existence…!

The action so far's turned out pretty neat. No real iffy segments aside from perhaps some of the insanity during the early TH16 segment but it served _a_ purpose, which is more than can be said of some of the older action. Experimenting with more explorational concepts 'n' things…

Sticking to 10 k words per chapter's pretty difficult! These days I go way over a lot…!

...Anyway! I'm runnin' outta things to say at the moment…

Oh, yeah, this chapter...

the new guys for this chapter - w - the LEAGUE OF SUPERVI- i mean village council

...admittedly they're not all supervillains - w - only some of them (and others are just lunatics)

also _fairy from the dawn of man/earth_. she's friendly, dude

don't worry, yo, ha-chan has not been forgotten, she's just unconscious in the sdm for the time being - w - although maybe not for long…!

the hakurei lore is pretty interesting because it's one of the more immediate gateways to gensokyo's backstory as opposed to most other people's/families pasts or backstories

that and it gives you a license to be OP if you're a hakurei - w - which is good fodder for protagonists! not that BEIN' OP'S EASY, YO… not in GENSOKYO

and yeah the evidence was there before but 'the truth come out', dude: does bruno mars is gay

XD no actually matt killed maria's parents; the evidence was there to be picked up on but now i'm bein' blatant about it!

and now for my guy to think about what he wants to do in response!

hoh hoh

[insert obligatory review begging]

i know we're all busy this time 'a year yo but enh! happy holidays, happy school/college exams, and happy homeworkmania!

As always, see you all next time!

~ A FREAKIN' SKOOLATOON


	95. Bad Girls Bully Village! What's Next?

(in which cameos are everywhere)

The shrine door slides open…

I step inside into the dark shrine, gazing at the kotatsu in the center. I cast my torch outside a little while ago on the stone path so it didn't burn anything the fuck down.

...Behind me, Genkan steps inside, holding herself. "I feel… empty." Probably the shrine at work!

The wind fairy floated ahead, unaffected. "...Is this all that remains?"

"...Yeah." Maria confirms as she trods inside behind us. "This is the Hakurei Shrine."

"A little smaller than they said in the recon logs…" Shurui grandly stepped in behind us, takin' in the dark interior… "Not tha' this is my first time here, but they've always been a bit silly when it comes ta this place."

Considering this place is like a brief morning jog from the village, you'd think they could at least get a dude to draw it or something. Y'know, so they'd have _reference_ for when a dude rolled around and decided to call it a gargantuan death fortress or something.

...Well, compared to a villager house, it _is_ a gargantuan death fortress, but that's beside the point!

" _The_ Hakurei Shrine…" The fairy stressed the singular! "How far they've fallen."

...Maria promptly gets under the kotatsu immediately. Hoh, hoh! I think I'll join her…!

"Where is the Hakurei?" Fairy friend looked around, curious…

"Sleepin'." Me 'n' Shurui replied at once…!

...The fairy glances back at us. "Right. I remember now." Yeah, humans _sleep_. Do you, friend?

...Genkan kneels near our kotatsu, refusing to slip in. Shurui sits down cross-legged nearby, while the fairy just kinda stares into space.

…

Maria blinks, her eyes a little tired. "Are we… waiting?"

Shurui grinned. "Unless one 'a you lads wants ta wake the shrine maiden up. I just woke up a bit ago myself, so…" When'd you go to bed, noon?

"...Wha- why would that have anything to do with waking her up?" Maria questioned his choice in topics!

"'Cause she's pro'lly gonna knock ya tha' hell out for wakin' 'er…!" Shurui grins at us!

Aw, good. How soon is morning, anyway?

…

"I refuse." Genkan denies the responsibility. "I'm no match for her." That's pretty pessimistic… but probably true!

…

"I'm not wakin' 'er!" Shurui refuses!

I stand up! "Alright, yo… I'll wake her, yo." It'll make getting to sleep easier!

The fairy gazes at me. "You needn't. If it is necessity… I may-"

"Nope, nope!" I wave my hands! "I gotta commit, yo! Gotta commit!" Gettin' outta the kotatsu- cold! Genkan's kimono lets me keep some 'a my heat, though… or maybe I'm just less affected by it running away.

Also, I've got ideas, yo…! I got tricks!

"Ah…" Maria looks up at me, but cozies up to the kotatsu further after I've gotten out of it, unwilling to move. "...Goo- good luck!" Aw, yeah yo!

"Don't do anything you'll regret." Genkan watches me move!

"No promises, yo." I march off into the darkness!

...Going into the kitchen, I slide the door shut behind me!

...It's _dark_.

Taking out my holy hanger, I-

Floodlights engaged! I forgot how the shrine has a fetish for holy stuff. This is bright!

...Aw, yo. Kappa scientist kappa kappa is sleeping in that chair over there, still. She twitches at the light, so I bring it offa' her…

Hmm. Reimu's room should be out the kitchen's back door…

...Walking up to the door, I move to slide it open-

 _Ti~ng!_ I'm allowed to grab the inlet, but I'm not allowed to pull on it! She magically locked her door!

...I'd mine the walls, but Reimu doesn't have a million zillion dollars or an army of horny maids to jizz on it until it fixes itself magically.

…

Well, shit.

Wait, if my hanger's holy…

I insert my holy hanger into the inlet and pull on it-

The door slides open. No _shit?_ So you just gotta be surplus holy? Why's it not just outright lock it?

Oh well, yo. I flash the hanger around inside!

...Reimu's sawing logs, dude. Peaceful miko…

She's pretty cute. Too bad I'm about to raise a racket…!

...Crouching down, I start placing blocks on the ground. Aw…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

This may've gotten a little out of hand, but I'm trying to buy time until it's really morning- despite my tiredness- and…!

I've constructed a small rectangular, donut-shaped tub of blocks around Reimu's futon. They're not joined together very closely- or at all- but…!

Taking out Deep Blue, I half unleash it, and let the water begin pouring into the tub. "Yeheha~h, du~de…" Almost forgot to stay quiet, there! Wait- I'm trying to _wake_ her…

Aah, I'm knackered. Freakin'... it's co~ld, I'm tired…! Decision making… is not a decision being made!

The water flows through the cracks in the freakin' unjoined wood blocks, and starts just flowing out…

Slowly, it begins to reach Reimu's futon. Wait- dude, what if I do that 'stick their hand in a glass of water to make them piss themself' trick!? Aw…!

Alright, I'm not cruel enough to slowly soak her futon so she wakes up in a half flooded disaster zone. Let's just make this quick and painless…!

As I stand-

" _What_ are you doing?"

Oh. They sent Genkan to fish me out because I was taking too long.

"A- ah…" Voice doesn't wanna work, too cold! "It's… a wash basin, yo."

She looks unimpressed. "...Are you well?"

"No." I shake my head…! "It's _cold,_ I'm _wet_ now, I wanna _sleep_ …!"

...She actually looks sympathetic! "Ah. I suppose we're all pretty tired, after all..."

...Floating into the other room, she begins disrobing. "Stay there. We'll exchange kimonos through the door, so you may stay warm." Oh… "...Don't just stare at me. Go around the wall and change." Oh!

Going around the wall, I start disrobing- _I'm not sure about this son_. Brrr~...!

...Alright. I'm freakin'... _naked_ now. Well, in my skivvies but _that's not a lot-_

"Nn- nnh…" What. Reimu, no. _Don't_ wake up now. Why are- the water. The water's soaking into her futon…!

...Slowly, she shifts about. It's gonna take her a moment to realize what the fuck happened and be pissed about it.

So I'm just standing in the corner of her room, ninety percent naked and still as a statue as I gaze at her miniature water basin she's resting in. Send help.

…

Suddenly, she sits up! "Wrh…!?"

Genkan leans into the room, holding the camou-kimono out with her arm. "Here."

Uu~h. Alright, yo…!

Quietly, I march over to Genkan.

Reimu's watching us, now.

Taking the camou-kimono, I give Genkan her kimono back.

As she retracts into the kitchen, I scuttle over to the corner of the room and hastily move to throw my shit on. Cold cold cold-

 _Sweet relief,_ son. One hundred percent ice resistance is a big deal! Ho ho ho…

...Well, now I'm just tired and slightly soggy. This is a lot better.

...Reimu's still watching me, yo.

I pat my kimono. "Bartering system of the street people, dude. ...I can trade you a fish for a tuna."

...Her eyes dart over the wooden blocks, her wet futon, then at me.

And then-

 _Fwap- fwap- fwap- fwap- fwap!_

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

…

Oof…

That was a relatively abrupt sleep session! I still feel rested, though. Got hit with talismans, a~nd…

It's daylight now, apparently! Maria's snoozing under the kotatsu ahead of me…

Reimu's just kinda leaning into it.

"Have you ever played the harp?" Wind fairy's still here!

"Wh- no." Reimu shakes her head. "Where would I even get a harp…?"

"...Understandable." The fairy lowered her head. "The wind has only found a few, itself."

…

Reimu blinks at that. "What's that even _mean…?_ "

"...The wind has informed me of the location of multiple harps." The fairy supplies. "Would you like me to take you to them?"

"No." Reimu shakes her head again…! "I don't even know how to play the harp."

...I try to move-

I'm still bound by talismans! They just kinda slow me, though. Man, Reimu really laid 'em down thick! I remember five, but all things considered…

As I start to push myself off the floor, like twenty talismans just flutter from me. Aw, dude…!

...Oh, hey. Ha-chan's splayed out on the floor adjacent to me, a single ofuda on her forehead.

Looking over at me, Reimu just stares at me as I get up…

Let's see~...

The other friends are probably in the next room. As I stand, I try to-

 _Zap!_ _Ow._ Okay, apparently trying to remove the ofuda yourself is a terrible idea…! Oof…

...Somewhat numbly, I slide the kitchen door open, and progress into said kitchen…

Oh. Genkan's on the floor outside Reimu's room, a few ofuda on her back. Her kimono is just splayed out like a blanket over her instead of properly on her…

Shurui's at the table, eating some rice crackers…

"If you let me go, I could make you a new arm." Scientist kappa's tryin'a make deals!

Shurui's apparently just pretending to not listen, munching on his cracker…

…

"If you let me go, I could make you a new arm." She's apparently just repeating herself over and over. Good strategy.

"Aw…" I meander up to the table! "Psychological warfare, dude."

"Tell me about it…" Shurui leans back into his chair, staring up at the ceiling. "This girl likes ta hear 'erself talk…"

"You _can't_ be happy with one arm." The kappa tries to make her case! "...Seriously, if I ever get out of here, I'll make you one. For a fee. Unless you let me go, then it's free." That's a catchy slogan, yo…!

 _Crunch_. He continues to munch on the rice crackers...

...Moving up to the defeated Genkan, I, hmm. If I wanted to remove the talismans, I'd have to just up and take her kimono blanket off. Or maybe…!

Kneeling down, I slide my hand _under_ the kimono _without_ removing it. I'm some kind of _brain genius_ dude.

...Aw, I can remove _her_ talismans, but not mine. This makes sense!

After scooping the talismans off her back, I leave her there to _simmer…_

…

I should go see what Reimu's up to, and what she knows! Also if she can get these freakin' talismans off of me, 'cause nngh…!

Meandering back into the shrine room, I stalk towards the kotatsu…

The wind fairy's just kinda staring at her.

Reimu's just kinda staring at _her_ …!

...After staring at them for long enough, Reimu turns to me.

"Help." I hold my arms out-

Reimu stands up, reaches over and plucks a talisman from my shoulder-

 _Fwif_. All the talismans abruptly fall from me, leaving me lightheaded. Hoh, shit…!

"Next time just yell or something…" Reimu gave me a stare! "Don't try to make a _bathtub_ out of my _futon_."

Y'know, in retrospect, I might've over-thought that! I'm not even sure where I was going with that, but my gut said it was destined for greatness!

"Oh, yeah…" Oh, Reimu has more to say, yo… "Did you see your friends? Ah- Maribel and Renko, that is."

Whah? "...No?" When was that supposed ta be?

"...Weird." Reimu shook her head, lifting her tea. "I let them in last night. They said they were gonna spend the night at the shrine…"

Oh, good, now we gotta solve a disappearance. My plate of things to do is quickly piling up…!

...I look over at wind fairy. "You speak for the trees, friend. Where'd they go?"

...She gives me a blank stare for some seconds, before replying. "I don't know who you mean." A~h shit. Oh well. Maybe if I had a scooby snack to give 'er, yo…

...While I'm here, I should probably ask Reimu about 'blow the village the fuck up' day.

"So, when we gonna roll out and fix the village?" I question the miko!

"Mrm. Soon." She looks down at her tea. "Lemme wake up and stuff…" Leaning over, she looks at the snoozing Maria. "Your friends, too. I'll probably rope Marisa into it once she stops by." Hoh.

…Daylight nugget time, dude.

"They might've looked under the shrine…" Reimu mutters something aloud.

"Hi." Hello, friend.

She looks over at me. "...The other night, I was telling those two girls about the shrine's underside. Considering how interested they were, they might've gone to take a look."

Hoh. There was an underside to the shrine?

...She gives me a dry stare. "Not you, too…" Wahaha!

Standing up from the kotatsu, she picks up her tea. "...I might as well look now before I do anything else. It'll get me warmed up, anyway." That said, she guzzles the rest of her tea down…!

Setting the empty cup down, she makes for the doorway. She glances back first, though. "Um… fairy girl. Keep everyone from going insane or being stupid while I'm gone. Brad, come with me, since you'll just find your way down there anyway." Ho ho ho…!

With that, she makes for the shrine's front door. I follow behind her…

Once we're both outside, she takes care to slide the door shut. I don't know if it's warmer inside 'cause of my kimono and the constant chill permeatin' throughout the land at this point in the year, but…

"It's kinda annoying because of the entrance…" Reimu annotates, as she steps off the porch and marches off into the shrine yard. "...There's only _one_ entrance, so keep behind me."

Aw. Entrances…

Oh, yeah, the weather's normal again. That reminds me… "So! About tha~t recent incident…!"

"Oh, right." She glances back at me. "...You don't look dead."

"You'd be surprised, yo." I did get nearly raped, though! "Was the crime doer person a god?"

"Yeah." Moving ahead, Reimu keeps leading me to wherever this entrance is…

"Basically, she started a mess just to start a mess." Moving onto the Hakurei hillside, Reimu stepped down the steep hill, noticeably using her flight abilities to reverse whenever she slipped on the dew. Aw… "She was looking for a heir to her… heirs, or something. I don't think she found one." Oh.

...Stepping onto the hillside-

I slip onto my ass, and slide down. "Ho ho ho~...!" Woohoo…!

...After my short, gentle joyride down the slick hillside, Reimu joins me at the bottom. "You're probably freezing, now…"

Nope, nope. "Nah, yo. One hundred percent ice resistant kimono!"

"...Right." Dryly dismissing my elemental fortitude, she looks around the base of the hillside. "It should be…"

Eventually, she finds a really tiny crawlspace opening. "Here." She taps it with her gohei. "This leads to the shrine's under things."

…

Sighing, she gets down and starts to crawl through. "It looks tight 'cause it is. Come on…" Won't I see up her-... she wears bloomers doesn't she? Probably doesn't care then!

Aa~h. If there was one thing I was never a fan of, it was vaguely tight crawlspaces. It's like the epitome of being almost trapped. Although I feel a lot better about a hard stone tunnel than some other freakin'...

Crouching down, I crawl into the stone asshole of the Hakurei Shrine…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

It's _dark!_ Again!

After crawling for some way, it looks like Reimu gets out on the other side, because she starts lighting things up with her ofuda.

...On the other side, I emerge! A~nd…

Yeah, s'pretty dark in here. The only light sources are Reimu's ofuda she's flinging onto the walls, producing dim gold and red glows…

I expected more temple-like stuff akin to that under-village fairy shrine, but this just looks like a really really old shrine interior with dirt and stone aggressing the walls.

"Don't run off." Reimu instructs me! "Weak ghosts have a field day down here." Gooo~sts! Help, no!

"I'm spooked solid." I inform her of my medical disposition.

"Be spooked." Indifferent, she glances around… "We might as well tour the whole place. It's pretty rectangular anyway, so it's not like searching it will be a big deal…"

Picking the hallway to the right and back, Reimu starts marching down it. I follow along…!

The hallway's even more trashed than the room before it. Reimu keeps it lit by tossing around ofuda liberally…

After enough tossing, unnatural shadows start to become cast against the back wall of the room ahead, as if a bunch of people just went running through the walls or something, but there were no bodies for the shadows to be cast from.

Indifferent to this, Reimu continued ahead, tossing ofuda around like it was water…

We reach the room!

It's pretty empty. The right side's smashed into by dirt and stuff, and this room doesn't apparently hold anything…

Looking to the left, we see a solid, black _something_ obscure the entire back left corner of the room-

Fwap- fwap- fwap. Reimu sends a spread of ofuda into it-

 _Fwi~sh_. The black melts, reveali~ng… nothing. Good.

Ignoring this, Reimu ran ahead into the next hall. Freakin', y'don't gotta run…!

Running after her, we quickly reach the next room!

This one looks like a kitchen, almost! I see a very primitive cast iron stove… there're some drawers and things, too.

"...Nothing in here." Reimu nods, before turning to the new door. This door seems to go back to the central room we were in earlier, looping around.

Before us, there's a completely, pitch black figure standing completely still-

Fwa- fwa- fwap. Reimu casually layers it with ofuda-

" _Hraaa-...!"_ Its face flashes with colorful lights as it accelerates towards her, before becoming black mist and dissipating.

"Stupid things." Reimu mumbles about it, before looking back at me. "Those ones're actually deceptively harmless. They just scream at you and make scary faces, if you can call it that."

Oh, good. If I was on my own, that'd probably be pretty intimidating! Good thing Reimu's probably like, nineteen games overleveled for this shit.

...Some walking leaves us back in the main room! After compulsively lighting the room back up with her ofuda for no real reason, Reimu leads us to the left and frontmost of the four satellite rooms!

This one's got two new exits, though. One to the right goes off _somewhere_ , while the leftmost one loops about to the main room.

It had a large counter in the middle, which Reimu ignored as she moved to the right to go into the deviating path. "Let's check here…"

I follow her alo~ng!

...As she sprays ofuda out like a hose-

" _Hwoaa~h!_ " ...She hit a ghost, I think. By freakin' accident.

...We reach the room!

There's two really old-looking futons to the left, and a vanity to the right.

A long, jet black gohei is propped up against the side of the vanity.

"No one here…" Reimu briefly pans her head around.

I point at the unnaturally dark gohei! "Is that a _ghost_ , yo…!?"

"No. It's just a gohei." She dismisses its existence.

I step towards it 'cause it's the freakin' one thing that looks vaguely interactable out of all the old relics down here-

"Don't touch it, though." Reimu asks of me! "You won't like it."

Aa~h. I take out Youkai Inconveniencer in case I hafta cast some holy magic on it to make it let go or something. "It's a _gohei_. Freakin'..."

Crouching down, I grab the handle-lookin' end! The top has the trademark papers, but they're _pitch black dude_. That means they're evil!

...Heavier than anticipated for a stick of wood. Aw, the way the paper flutters when I swing it, yo…

Reimu sighed. "You idiot. Well… let this be a lesson in grabbing cursed objects, I guess."

Oh, it's cursed!? Woah no.

I let go- I can't let go. Son.

...Charging Youkai Inconveniencer with mana, I cast Shine on it! The- the light orb spell, not the flashlight spell. Don't be confused, yo!

 _Fwi~sh!_ ...The holy magic does nothing to the gohei!

...I look back at Reimu, but everything's a blur of colors. Ah, fuck. Reimu'll save me though, I'm sure.

...Oh, I can't hear anything now. Aa- a~nd, can't see…

Um…

…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Hello, world!

There i~s a checkerboard ceiling above me. This is… a neutral start.

Nothing hurts, I don't feel any different…

Time to sit up! Woah ho ho~...

In the distance, there's like, a panning camera view of the Hakurei Shrine, except red for some reason. Also really low resolution! More like just blurry…

The floor is also checkerboard. Like, black and white checkerboard. Where is this…? Am I in freakin'... the Hakurei sex dungeon, yo?

Ahead of me is a shrine maiden! Black leotard, deep red cloth apron thing, red hakama… long black hair! She's seated with her legs crossed, tapping the jet black gohei on the floor…

"Now…" She's giving me a flat, dry stare. "Who're _you?_ "

I have no idea what the hell's happening. "...Big tubs. The savior."

"...What?" She furrows her brows! "Okay. Why are you here, then?"

Good question! Except I'm the one who wanted to ask it…! "Aa~h. I~, aah… heard good things."

...She seems to roll with it! "If you're here, you should at least know what the Hakurei are."

"Aw, yeah yo." I feel the urge to confirm I'm not a total rando! "I picked up a gohei under the good shrine, and now I'm here."

...Looking down at the gohei in her arms-

 _Woosh!_ The miko tossed it off into the distance. Aw…

"The amount of solicitors that thing attracts…" She stood, cracking her knuckles. "Alright, get up."

Standing up, I, aa~h… what _do_ I do, here?

"Do you know who _I_ am?" She asks me a fun question…

...If I had to guess! Considering her design… "Reimu's mother!" She's got the design of that M.U.G.E.N. fan character version 'a her. What was it again, Hakurei miko or something? Began with an S…

"Good enough." She nods at my answer! "We might as well go a round since you're here." Oh.

...I blink at her. "I, ah… don't really do the whole-"

"The only way out of here is victory or defeat." She informs me of the conditions! "...Any injuries you sustain in here won't be transferred to your real body. So, don't worry." Oh, good, so I can get my ass kicked as much as I want to.

...Oh, hey, I have my bag in here. Reaching in, I take ou~t… Hard Winter! The go-to tanking weapon!

...She blinks at my weapon.

Buffing myself up, I stand ready! "Alright, yo…!" Does she use danmaku? Pro~bably not. Hmm. Maybe if she hurts me really bad I can just run around and like… try to out-flee her. Yeah, that'll show her, yo.

"...You're using that… plant hanger?" She's a little jaded by my weapon choice!

"Hey, yo…" I shake it at 'er! "I can make ice cream in thirty-two flavors with this thing." Note to self: make it actually do that.

...Inhaling, she takes an offensive stance. "I guess I'll introduce myself properly. I am the miko who came before." Oh, okay…!

"I'm a guy who swings plant hangers!" Fair and balanced match!

…

We wait for who makes the first move. Freakin'- it sure as hell won't be me…!

…

Alright, fine, I guess it'll be me…

...Crouching down reluctantly, I jab the base of Hard Winter into the ground, channeling mana through it-

 _Kri~ng!_ A spike of ice erupts under the miko-

She freakin' _springs_ off of it! Aah, this is the Satori fight all over again…!

I raise the hanger defensively because holy _shit_ she got a lot of height offa' that little-

 _Woosh!_ She rockets towards me with a kick-

 _Bam!_

 _Woohooaa~h!_

Thud. I land… a _good_ distance away. Guarding did _nothing_ for me. Her hit just outright sent me flying…!

Getting up off my back, I see her holding a freakin' _torso-sized_ yin-yang orb-

 _Bam!_ She slams it into the air with an underhand serve like it was a volleyball…!

Oh shit oh shit-

 _Bam!_ Fuck me, dude…! I just _barely_ rolled outta the way of that shit-

"Hup!" She's making a noise!

Looking, I see her-

 _Bam!_ -uppercut, her arm flourishing with dark, black energy. Her fist hit the _ceiling_ , which is like, twenty to thirty feet above us…!

 _Woosh!_ She kicks down again, her leg filled with dark super evil killgore magic…!

Barrel roll aga~in…!

 _Thoom!_ She lands hard on her sandals next to me, black-clad legs absorbing the fun parts about gravity.

Nearly on my legs again, I tighten my grip on Hard Winter, and like, from this _stupid_ crouching position, jab it towards her-

Thunk.

...I hit her. I don't think she _knows_ I hit her.

...She's just kind of _observing_ me instead of actually hitting me, too. Oh, man.

Casually, she brings her leg back-

 _Wham!_

Oh, fuck…

Thud! I slide onto my back again after she freakin' punts me into oblivion…!

...I'm not sure if I wanna sit up-

" _Thousand Blades!_ " I'm sitting up! What'd I miss!?

Arched back in the air, the miko's limbs are extended-

 _Fwi- fwi- fwi- fwi- fwish…_ Ofuda like… _emerged_ from her sleeves, with the consistency of freakin' _liquid._ This river of ofuda quickly worked to form a freakin' _ring_ around her.

What do do. This looks like a special if I ever saw a special before…!

After a moment, the ring of ofuda became a freakin'... revolving halo of _origami battle axes_ , made entirely from Hakurei talismans. What the fuck…!

...As the miko fell from her formation, the battle axes began whirling and spinning outward! Oh _shit!_

 _Kri~ng!_ Stabbing Hard Winter into the floor, I made an ice spike against the direction they were revolving…!

 _Kri~ng!_ And another-

 _Bam- bam- bam- bam!_ As the ring expands and accelerates, I duck behind the spikes for a quick moment…!

 _Boom!_ I _fall_ out of the way of the spikes once the ring's threshold meets my spikes. Good timing too, because brief contact with the axes shattered them completely…!

...I finally pay attention to the miko as she reels an arm back-

 _Fwap! Fwap! Fwap!_

Thud. A~nd I'm knocked down by _three ofuda_ which hit me in the chest. The stagger procs are _rea~l!_

Cla- cla- clack. I hear the miko just running at me now-

Before I can even get out of a sitting up position, she reaches down and tears Hard Winter from me, and tosses it to the side-

 _Bam!_ Holy _fuck_ she just tried to stomp my _skull in_ -

Oh, hey. U~p I go, dude! I got _picked up_ -

Holding me up, the miko reels one arm back, charging it with dark energy-

 _Boom!_

 _Fuck._

...I… wow. Ow. Oh. Fist plus stomach is _pain_. I know my maths, now...

Woosh. I'm tossed into the air like a freakin' ragdoll-

" _Evil Sealing Circle!_ " Oh, yeah, you just do that…

You know, the red and checkerboard aesthetic doesn't look that bad…

 _Cli- cli- clink!_ Stuff _clinks_ as lines of light are drawn around me, as I freakin' plummet. Oh, good…

 _Fwa~sh!_

Blinding li~ght! I'm also numb, now!

...Thud.

My vision goes black for a moment after I hit the floor, before fading in, blurry.

The miko has an origami axe over her head, ready to freakin' _execute_ me. "You need to work out." Aw, gee…

...I can't even say anything back, my body's just fucked. Oh.

...After a moment of me just staring up at the blurry, neon talisman axe, it suddenly whirls up towards my face-

 _Shink!_

…

Step, step, step.

"And, come back any time now, you hear? Trust me… I ain't goin' anywhere."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Ho~h, _shit!_

Sitting up now! Black, gold, red, talismans, _shit!_

Cla- clack! I cast the accursed demon spawn gohei to the floor, where it shall stay!

"About time…" Reimu's just sitting with her legs crossed next to me. "Had your fun?"

"No~ no no no!" I wave my finger at it! "A _bad woman_ lives in that gohei, yo! Ba~d woman!"

"Mom's a riot, isn't she?" Standing up, Reimu politely grabs the gohei and props it back up against the vanity, before patiently waiting for me. "Let's go."

Freakin'...! "Why's your _mom_ inside a _gohei!?_ " Four of five scholars would like to know the answer to this question!

"That's not her." Reimu clarifies. "...That's a piece of her she left inscribed in that gohei. I already fought her and beat her a little while ago. Not sure if I wanna lug her gohei around, though… especially when it's safer down here."

...Huh. You know, that actually makes a lot of sense. The 'keeping it down here to keep the memory of her safe', I mean. I have no idea how she put a fucking data battle inside a _piece of wood_.

…

Standing up, I take a last glance back at the gohei. "She was also _hot as fuck_."

"Don't make me beat you up, too." Reimu waves her own gohei at me menacingly…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Nope, no Renko or Merry down there. Just a lot of old, dusty rooms, and an _uber boss fight_. Yeah.

Outside, it's still morning-ish. Me 'n' Reimu reach the top of the shrine steps.

"Chilly..." Reimu is chilly, yo…

"It is a nice breezy day." I comment on the nice day…

...After giving me a glance, Reimu shakes her head… "I need one hundred ice resistance." Uh oh. Reimu plus resistances sounds broken…!

She slides the shrine door open, and romps inside, leaving me to close it…

As I slide it shut, I see that the main room's pretty full now…!

"Oh, he~y!" Aya enthusiastically flails her arm at us, sitting next to Maria at the kotatsu.

Genkan's up and standing nearby. So is Ha-chan! Ho ho…!

"When did this happen." Reimu gestures to everyone. "Who _are_ half of you people?"

"Aww~!" Sliding out of the kotatsu and into the air, Aya began drifting over to Reimu…! "You know _me_ , though!"

"I'd rather not." Reimu adopted some casual posture, with an arm on her hip… "You're lucky I didn't get to sleep in today. You're the worst alarm clock ever."

"Or would that be the _best?_ " Aya leans towards her, grinning…! "An alarm clock's value is measured by its ability to alarm and be a clock, isn't it?"

"Except some days you just throw the paper on my porch, and others you get in my face and are annoying." Reimu explains, pacing about anxiously, perhaps in an attempt to warm up… "Why didn't you do that today?"

Aya grins wider, somehow! "Oh, you won't _believe_ this…"

"I don't believe a lot of things from you." Reimu furrows her brows at her grin. "Whatever, go ahead."

Aya passes her a paper, and points to something on the front page. "Lookit!"

…

"Wha-... what." Reimu's eyebrows are raised! I navigate around her ta see-

Japanese. Help. "...I can't read, dude!"

Reimu just gives me a glance of pity, between being incredulous at the paper before her, and glancing at Aya. "Look, I know the council _sucks_ and should be-"

"Brad." Aya turns to me. "Village council member declares plan to dissect the Hakurei shrine maiden. True or false?"

"Oh, yeah…" Last night was a thing! "This dude in a mask said he wanted to give you a _live dissection_."

"I actually quoted that!" Aya's quite happy about that! "How could I _not?_ "

...After Reimu reads further, she glances over at me. "And _you_ sat in as commoner rep?"

"Yeah, yo." I give her a friendly thumbs up. "I am the people."

"...I'd say something about that, but I'm more worried about the _entirety_ of the council right now." Reimu begins glaring into the paper! "I thought _last_ meeting was pretty rocky, but after everything that's happened, and _this?_ Today's _the_ day to go down there and try to fix things."

…

 _Bam!_ The shrine door slams open!

Marisa runs inside, holding a paper! "Yo! Reimu~!"

Turning to her, Reimu has a blank expression…

"Hey- aah…" Marisa observes the whole room! "...Huh. You beat me to assembling the angry mob, ze!"

Shurui walks in from the kitchen, panning his head about as well. "Ha~h… oh! How're ya, Marisa?"

"Oh, it's you!" Marisa snaps her gaze to him! "...Shakida or something?"

"Close enough!" Shurui doesn't even correct her…!

...Maria seems to have gotten up, meandering towards us. Behind her, Genkan, Ha-chan and that wind fairy of doom are following…

Freakin', have we inadvertently assembled an _army?_ This is a party of _nine people_.

"I'm coming with!" Aya calls shotgun! "Promise I won't get in the way! Unless someone tries to hit me or something…!"

"Yeah, yeah, more the merrier." Waving off her presence, Reimu makes for the door. "Should've posted a job on the job board just to see how many uppity people we could gather."

That's something I need to do, now. Maybe Maria can write a job out for me. I wanna get an entire TF2 server together to do something mundane and stupid. Just make the reward like a million yen and see how many people come…

"We goin' now?" Marisa looks over at her friend-

"Uh huh." Reimu floats out the door.

Hopping on her broom, Marisa promptly roars out behind her. Hoh, shit…!

"Yo, wait up…!" I go runnin' out after them…!

"Ah…!" Maria runs after us!

...The other people're probably-

Aya's already outside. I didn't even see her pass me…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We are now… on the Hakurei path, towards the village!

Reimu's now walking ahead, with Marisa floating overhead behind her.

"I've just been kind of wrapped into this…" Looking around idly, Genkan admits! "But, I'm not opposed to this."

"I'm probably beyond just being in trouble." Grinning, Maria scratches her cheek… "But, it doesn't feel like it matters anymore."

Yeah, yo. "You've _ascended_ being put in time out, yo. You are now… in time _in!_ "

Wind fairy's just quiet. Help, no.

Aya's furiously taking notes while hovering alongside us!

We are attracting absolutely no youkai attention because I'm pretty sure our party could mulch any overworld enemy by looking at them sideways.

...Shurui's walkin' along with his arm behind his head!

...We're comin' up on the village gate, yo.

"I was in trouble yesterday!" Ha-chan speaks up! "Chief made us all hose down the walls, and stuff. All the laundry machines were broken for some reason, too…" Yeah, I wonder…

I look over at her! "Did you ever find a fat Italian man, yo?"

...She blinks. "What's an Italian?" Freakin'...

Genkan snorts. "Oh…"

"I know they're loud!" Marisa pipes in from above! "I think Patchy said something like that…"

Aw. We're educated on the world, dude.

Therefore, Ha-chan reaches a deduction. "...I know a lot of Italian people!"

"Ah, yeah…" Marisa realizes she has errored in educating the fairy. "Well… sure."

The wind fairy glances over at Ha-chan. Aw, I wonder…

Before I can wonder further, we reach the village gates!

"Look- we're even _tighter_ today than yesterday…" The brass-suited guard there's holding up an arm before Alice and Keine, and freakin' Mokou. "We really can't-"

"Look…" Keine holds her arms up, but she looks really fed up at this point! "I really, _really_ need to get inside."

"I'm gonna burn a hole in the wall if you don't let us in." Mokou threatens him in monotone.

He glares at her. "...Do it, then. It- it just…" He sighs. "I'm just doing my job, alright? It's already been kinda crappy lately, and-"

Huffing, Keine rubs her temples…! "No no no, look… if I don't get inside and do _something_ , I'm _pretty sure_ we're going to need to revise the government."

…

He raises a brow. "Is that a threat…?"

"You're a fucking _moron_." Mokou says what Keine won't!

Nearby, Alice is just kinda reading a book, looking like she's given up already.

"Knock knock." Reimu casually marches up to them.

...Keine looks at her. "Oh, Reimu-..." She notices Reimu's brought friends!

Raising her eyebrows, Mokou starts grinning…! "Oh, hey. Looks like we might get in after all…"

Alice snorts when she sees us!

...The guard's standing very still! Maybe we might not see him, dude…

"Yeah, hey." Reimu steps up to him. "Can you let me and a couple friends in? By a couple, I mean this entire raiding party behind me."

…

The guard… is choosing wisely!

...After a moment, he just sighs. "You know what?" He pushes his pike away, letting it fall. "Fuck it. I'm joining you." Oh.

"Good answer." Reimu steps aside. "Hey, Marisa. Gate."

"Aye~." Reaching into her hat, she rummages around… "Oh! Here we are…"

...The guard follows Reimu's lead, backing away from the gate-

Marisa lobs a canteen towards the metal bars.

Cla- clank. It bounces on the ground, rolling up to them-

 _BOOM!_

Wohohoa~h! Blue mushroom cloud…!

...As the blue and black smoke fades, there are no more gate bars. Reimu and Marisa romp on inside ahead of everyone…!

...Idly, Alice moves after them, followed by Aya, who like _blinks out_ as she does so.

"Let's get this party started!" Mokou sprints inside!

...Sighing, Keine sprints after her. Oh, boy…

I march ahead after them, because this direction is forward!

My party of mostly ground-dwelling friends marches behind me…!

"Looks li' it'll be a crazy day, today…" Aw. Shurui makes small talk, yo…

"Really…" Maria's got her staff ready! "Well, it sounds like it was just _one_ council member who made her mad…"

"Didn't she want to correct the village at large, too?" Genkan recalls from last night. "...Considering the faces we've seen, she will meet adversity." ...Well. She'll meet enemies, sure! A challenge, on the other hand…

"Adversity…?" Shurui comments on this! "If ya wanna put it that way. It's a little more like kickin' down a sand castle, from the looks 'a it…!""

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We're inside the village, now!

...Ahead, Reimu, Marisa, Mokou and Alice are dryly gazing at the opposing party before themselves. We're just inside the village, past the walls and down the main road into the square, but not actually at the square yet.

Keine's on the sidelines, facepalming… and that one guard on our side's looking like a dumbass because he left his pike outside. He's still got this dinky little dagger though, so he's ready to brawl, dude!

Across from the heroines are some notable mentions, yo.

Meira stands with a stern expression, hand on her sheath.

Albus is next to her, posture half-relaxed, one hand carefully over his holster…

Fred just doesn't want to be here. He's hiding behind Albus…!

" _Halt!_ " Meira yells out!

...Cupping a hand around her mouth, Marisa yells back. "That's our li~ne!"

"Fuck yo~u!" Mokou's friendly, dude.

...Shurui marches ahead, and waves at the guys! "He~y, lads! Brisk morning, isn't it!?"

" _Traitor!"_ Meira barks across the road at him.

...He just kinda tilts his head, glancing back at us. "Aw, s'rather rude, isn't it? Oh well." Cupping his hand, he calls back. "If that makes you feel bette~r!"

...Actually, Albus looks half asleep. His gaze is only on Reimu, though.

"I'm about ta piss myself." Fred _really_ does not want to be here. "Can- can't we just… rub some mud on our faces, and say we tried?"

"Justice ain't gonna dispense itself." Albus, despite looking like he only got three hours of sleep last night, is goin' all in!

"I swear to god, man…" Shakin' his head, Fred continues to complain. "When's mister armor fucker gonna get here, anyway?" Pft- who…!?

...Maria and Genkan don't seem to be engaged. Neither am I! We're not really gonna need to do any fighting!

Aya's snapping pictures overhead, freakin' circling about… bird of _prey_ yo.

…

It's the _staredown…_

Marisa's hovering in place, Alice is still in the air, Mokou's looking like she's just gonna throw herself across the forty-foot divide and eat a dude, and Reimu just looks _ready_ , yo...

...

Albus twitches first, pulling a flintlock-

" _Cautionary Barrier!_ " Reimu activates her trap card!

 _Bam- bam- bam- bam- bam!_ That's a lot of shots for a flintlock!

Ti- ti- ti- ti- ti~ng. A~nd Reimu blocked them all, the shots all pinging off her barrier.

" _Zantetsuken!_ " Meira swings-

 _SHI- TI~NG!_ ...She ends up sliding back from the tiny barrier Reimu had to defend herself, unable to cut through it with her katana.

 _Fwoom!_ She scrambles back as a pillar of fire erupts to defend the miko from further attack!

" _Love Sign…_ " Oh, boy. Maria's about to just _delete these people_ from the chapter.

"Aa- aah…!" Fred holds his staff up! " _Thunda!_ "

 _Zap- zap- zap!_ A small zappy bolt descends from above three times!

...Instead of striking Marisa, a doll hovering above her absorbed the lightning, before falling apart. Oh, man.

" _Master Spaa~rk!_ " Good game, son. Good ga-

VRRRRRRRRR

Rainbow laser! It's almost the size of the road. Pretty sure they just got ejected from the village entirely. Like, sent to the gate on the _other end of town_.

RRRRRRrrrr~...

It was pretty in the daylight, too! Kinda a weird like… different light source. Really sharp-lookin', for some reason! Normally lasers aren't a part of day-to-day life!

Anyway, the spark's over now. As anticipated, Marisa has literally deleted the entire enemy team by pressing the X key and wiggling her arrow keys a little.

"...'Justice ain't gonna dispense itself'." Mockingly, Mokou recited Albus's line. "Yeah, alright. Gunslinging, stupid…"

Hoh. Freakin'... all that build-up, yo.

Next to me, Maria expresses awe! "Wow…"

Shurui chuckled. "Geesh. Talk about a skill gap…"

...Aw. It's a fine day for _deleting people_ dude.

...Dropping her barrier, Reimu looks around. "The capital's to the left, somewhere. Behind Akyuu's place, I think."

"Yeah." Marisa looks over in the direction. "Aw. We should go through the alleys ta make it suspenseful…!"

"I didn't realize we were starting a revolution." ...Alice _has_ just kinda fell into this situation, herself! "Why?"

"Did you read the paper?" Reimu held up the bunbunmaru…

"You read the paper?" Alice gives her a smirk in return…!

Nimbly, Reimu tosses the paper over like an ofuda-

Precisely and perfectly, Alice catches it with a swipe, and looks at the cover. "...Oh. I guess it _has_ been a long time coming…"

" _Stop ri~ght there!_ "

Ooh! Big dude on campus!

"It's big dude!" I point at big dude.

"Yoroi Chikara." Maria reminds me what his name is. He only appeared for like two paragraphs in the last chapter to prove to us he was big and in fact existent. How'm I supposed to remember his name…!?

"Yo-yo Chikorita." Shurui bastardizes his name.

"Yaoi Chalk." Marisa idly picks up on our insanity…!

...Reimu gives her a curious glance, before focusing on the guy again.

Unlike the other day, his armor… is designed the same, except it's either brass or gold! Probably brass, since gold is like, oof.

...After the party stops, he grins at us all. "Reimu Hakurei. Fujiwara no Mokou. Marisa Kirisame. Alice Margatroid…"

"Yaoi Chalk!" Marisa yells his name back at him!

"You're all _wanted women_." He marches towards us rather simply. "Stop floating around like a bunch of _fairies_ and come with me."

"An' if we don't?" Marisa has her mini-hakkero on him…! "You gonna fly after us in them ten tons of steel on ya?"

" _I'm_ next in line to lead this puny garbage dump of a _village_." Oh, is that so? " _Yoroi Chikara!_ _Remember_ the name! Ruler of youkai extermination!"

"Aah- yeah, hey…!" Stepping up past the girls a little, Shurui waves his arm. "That'd actually be _me._ Unless I got fired in the past ten seconds wit' out anyone tellin' me…"

...The big dude scoffed. " _Sutoro._ You look even more like a slob than the last time I saw you..."

Lazily, Shurui leaned back a little… "An' you look like ya can hardly move in that thing."

"Heh…" Yoroi bares his teeth! "I don't _need_ to jump around like a _frog_ to kill youkai."

"As far as yer concerned, anyway…" Shurui scratches his cheek. "What say you we have a go, again?"

Swinging his broad, plated arm to the side, Yoroi yells at him! "This isn't your business, you crippled clown! Stay out of my way!"

"How much's that armor _fireproof?"_ Mokou steps ahead first…!

"I'll put you out, _match girl._ " Articulating his fingers, Yoroi grins widely at her. "Come a little closer."

...Expression dry, Mokou does as instructed-

" _Bu~rn!_ " Thrusting his arms out, Yoroi presses them together-

 _Clack!_ A nozzle is assembled from the undersides of his forearms-

 _Fwoo~m!_ A long flamethrower stretches out, engulfing Mokou. Da~h…

...As the fire goes out, Mokou's revealed on the other side, still ablaze herself. "...Thanks."

Folding his arms abruptly, his metal parts clacking together, he tries to loom down on her from a distance. "So the reports were true…" Yoroi really had to confirm Mokou's _fire resistance_. "I'll take care of you first!"

 _Woosh!_ Throwing an arm back out, a huge spear erected in it! The very tip had a huge, round plate on it, adorned with bits of fur, an X carved into the metal on both sides. Past this was the actual tip of the spear, a big pointy metal bit!

" _Suffer!_ " Raising the huge, person-sized spear up, he slams it down-

 _Boom!_ On impact, it exploded with the ground!

Mokou was already out of the way of everything, though. She doesn't look impressed…!

Drifting past her, Reimu moves to engage… "Just, stop. Look. We're here to-"

" _Nail Shooter!_ " Gritting his teeth, Yoroi removes one of his shoulder pads with an offhand-

Cla- clack! The X in the center of it folds open, a blunt cannon pointing out-

 _Chunk- chunk- chunk- chunk- chunk!_ Hoh, shit…!

Reimu slowly strafes to the side, avoiding the linear stream of huge, metal peg-esque nails that were launched at her rapidly. That's like, twenty…!

A yin-yang orb hurtles towards the man-

 _CLA~NG!_ Hoh! It hit his armor hard!

Sliding back slightly, he actually tanks it…! "...That's _nothing!_ " The orb stops spinning into his stomach plate, stopping after a moment..

" _This…_ " Clutching the orb with both arms, he rolls it so that he can hold it in one palm, before properly holding the shoulder pad in his other arm. It closed up and became an X carving again!

 _Bam!_ " _Is weapon power!"_ The orb _rockets_ back towards Reimu-

She vanishes-

 _Boom!_ The orb plows into the house behind it, breaking through the wall…!

...Reimu's behind him now, but he doesn't realize it! In fact... "Hah! See that!? _No one_ dares defy _me!_ " He thinks he got 'er!

Focusing back on our tiny armada again, he pats his armor. " _Nothing_ can break my Wootz steel _armor!_ " Citation needed…!

...The shrine maiden reeled her gohei back behind him-

 _Thwack!_ It came down on his head!

" _Wha-!?_ " Eyes widening, he turns around-

 _Whack!_ Reimu kicked him in the side of the head with her sandal.

"Ghh…!" Pivoting around, he grandiosely swings his lance-

 _Woosh!_ Mi~ss…

 _Woosh!_ Going from zero to sixty, Marisa shoots across the divide-

 _Clack!_ Reimu brings her gohei down on his head again-

 _Bam!_ ...Marisa just _plowed_ her broom into his head. Ran 'em over!

" _Ow!_ " That's slightly disproportionate to the head blow you just took…!

...Thud. Slowly, he fell backward, limbs splaying out.

…

"That's kind of a design flaw…" Maria had a hand to her chin… "His head wasn't defended at all…"

"I'm not sure what's going on…" Receptively, Ha-chan gazed at the battle from behind us… "I'm glad we're not part of it!"

...Reimu began flying to the side, before dipping into an alley. Marisa followed after her-

"Hey- hold on!" Mokou ran after them…!

With that, the heroines all just _immediately_ took off to disperse more random acts of violence.

...Alice drifted over to us. "Really…" Adjusting herself, she watched them leave. "I just wanted to check up on my clothing line…"

Hello, friend…

Taking in the morning scenery after the girls freakin' jetted outta dodge… the sun feels nice and wa~rm!

"You're, um…" Maria points at 'er! "Miss Margatroid, correct…?"

...Alice gives her a cute little smile. "Yes. And…" Panning her gaze around, she seems to notice us! "...Do you know these people?"

Looking back at us, Maria nods. "They're my friends."

..Accepting this, Alice tilts her head. "Small world."

"I guess…" Maria's not sure what she means. "I've… I think your clothes are pretty."

"Ah. Thank you…" When did we decide to shmooze Alice? Maria's takin' us on autopilot…!

"Hey, there, Alice!" Shurui runs past us, deciding to go after the girls! "Bye there, Alice!"

...She just blankly watches him go, not even saying anything.

Turning back to us, Alice continues. "Genkan, was it? How's that kimono working out for you?"

"Oh…" Genkan blinked, sorta caught off guard. "Quite well, actually. Ah…" Looking down at her dirty stock kimono, she holds her arms out. "...At some point, I'd like you to revise this… old favorite, you could say."

Smiling, Alice nodded. "It does look a little worse for wear. What happened?" Touhou sixteen.

"Fairies." Genkan puts it bluntly. "...I'd also like it to have the ice resistances of his." She gestures to me with her hand…

"That'll cost a little…" Alice gave us a dry stare. "Why does a yuki-onna want more ice resistance?"

...Genkan looks away. "It feels good."

...Snorting, Alice allows herself a small smirk. "I've experimented with resistances some, myself. Can't say I can wear them all the time, but…" Ah?

Aw. I wonder if I can afford more ice resistance. I want to be sent to the outer stratosphere by Genkan's hugs.

...We hear running!

That guard from before, dude! He came to us! "Ah- ah-... where'd they go…?" The hell were you doing…?

"Capitol." Alice summarized.

"O- oh… oh! Thank you!" Nodding, he begins to jog off… really slowly…

Keine seems to have taken off to it earlier, too. I have a strong feeling that the entire council is either held up in the capitol for one big messy battle, or hiding.

"There's someone I could speak with at the capitol, I think." Alice begins to pace off towards ground zero…

"Let's go watch the fun, yo." Maybe we'll even get to hit a guy! Or do something in the background…

Bringing her arms behind her back, Genkan drifts along with us. "I wonder if 'fun' is the right word to describe it."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We're in the background, alright!

 _Boom- bam- boom!_

The village's high society bit looks relatively smaller than I thought during the day, now that I can see things. The capitol's still pretty freakin'-

 _Boom!_ A laser shoots out of one of the upper walls!

Well, _was_ big. It might not stand soon…!

" _HUUAAAAUUGH!_ " Ken's voice is audible from outside the wooden stadium!

"...I was hoping I'd get to talk to their finance person to see my status." Alice commentates on the insanity. "I'm not sure if I'll be able to like this."

"Probably not." Maria admits, staring at the boomies casually. "...Um. It might be fine… tomorrow?"

Alice spreads her arms out-

Two revolving rings of lance and greatshield clad dolls come out of nowhere, as if they spawned from her. "I'm going in." With that, she gently floats towards the violence…

"Um…!" Maria reaches out for her, but stops…! "Okay…"

We all watch Alice drift in through a hole in the exterior walling.

…

I wonder who's actually bothering to fight Reimu and company. Considering we got Shurui on our side… and some of those other dudes were just totally impartial to the whole thing.

 _Boo~m!_

Yo~! Tao what's-his-face just comes flying out of one of the walls!

 _Thoom!_ He lands in the clearing before the kaboom zone, clad in his big ass beetle-esque annihilation suit. " _Eergh…!_ "

Reimu just _appears_ outside, drifting overhead like an angry wasp…! Marisa comes out through the same hole Tao used-

"Would you look at you!?" Tao had a big black _axe_ as his weapon, a small black stake in his offhand. For a scientist-y person, those aren't very apt weapons…! "Worthless, ugly _freaks!_ "

"Now that we're outside…!" Marisa starts circling overhead! " _Star Sign!_ "

 _Kli- fwish_. Tao fades out, cloaking or something.

 _Fwa- fwa- fwa- fwa- fwa- fwap!_ Reimu sprays ofuda all over where he was, but they hit nothing but dirt.

...She vanishes herself. Help.

…Marisa stops casting. "Shi~t. That damn cloak…"

 _Kli- fwish_. Tao appears next to _us!_ Oh, shi- "Hunter, I need your help!" Um.

He points up at Marisa. "The Hakurei is laying siege to this village- surely you know! I need _every tiny hand_ I can get, here!"

Every _tiny hand_. Aw, dude… "Okay. Can do, boss!" I give him a salute! "I'll flank around and… man the harpoons, or, you know. The shooty things. With my _tiny hands_."

"Yes, you do that…" Marching back forward, standing eight feet tall in his beetle mech thing, Tao looked back up at Marisa. "Kirisame~! Come _do~wn_ he~re!"

 _Fwam!_ A fireball hits him and ignites him, but he doesn't seem to even flinch from it.

" _Fucker!_ " Mokou's here to bring the edge, dude…! She's over by the door, taking a curiously passive posture. I think if she went all out, she'd _fry_ this boy, so she's just kinda monitoring the fight. Marisa 'n' Reimu're more apt to put him to sleep _temporarily_.

"Now, now, I do not have time to _spare_ on you at this moment, immortal." Tao regards her neutrally and dismissively. "You see-"

Genkan holds a hand up-

Fwish. A snowflake generates inside his form. "Oh…?"

 _Krik- krack- krack- krack…!_ As it begins spinning-

 _Fwa~sh!_ ...Tao isn't fully frozen actually. He's pretty stiff now, though! " _Ice!?_ "

 _Fwa- fwa- fwap_. Floating out from around a house, Reimu peppers him with ofuda. Most of them flutter off-

 _Klick- fwish_. After Tao cloaks though, we can see his movements from the few ofuda that clung to him.

" _Star Sign…!_ " Marisa circles faster overhead, ready to bring on the pain…!

 _Kli- fwish!_ He uncloaks across the clearing, glancing back for the capitol. "Damned _pests_ …" Looks like he's gonna try to run inside!

"Really…" Reimu huffs at his retreat, before looking over at us. "You." She points at us! "Stop him." Thanks.

 _Kri~ng!_ Genkan erects a spike of ice at the door-

 _Cli- cling- shink!_ Tao immediately jabs his axe and stake into it-

 _Patta- Patta- Patta- Patta!_ Hunching over, four freakin' _jackhammer_ -like things poke out from his armor and fuck up the ice blade blocking the doorway-

 _Cra~ck_. The ice shatters, crumbling-

" _Dragon Meteor!_ " Having positioned herself overhead, Marisa leaps from her broom, aiming her mini-hakkero down at the front of the capitol building-

 _VRRRRRRRRR_

Oh. It's literally just a downward oriented Master Spark. So bri~ght…!

Marisa's being propelled up by the force of her own attack…! She's yelling stuff, but I can't hear her!

There's probably the sickening crunch of building being mulched, but I can't hear it over the spark…

RRRRRRRrrrr…

The love laser of annihilation ends!

...There is no more front to the capitol. Aw, dude. The intro room is just this little _thing_ , and like… above it was some kind of inaccessible lounge room, for some reason. There's no doors that lead into it.

"Ee- aah…" Tao is _still standing_ , but not lookin' so hot, his war suit crackling with danmaku energy… "Unbelievable…"

"Hehehe!" Marisa floats down on her broom nearby, having managed to get back onto it after her spark ended. "I get that a lot…"

"You're _disgusting._ " Tao's not having a good day. "Magus _worm_. I-"

"Shut u~p…" Marisa drawls out at him lazily. "What's with you and worms and stuff!? Actually, who the hell are you…?"

Tao just growls, hobbling in place anxiously. "...It- it is through this _ignorance_ that you _youkai_ dem- demonstrate your… _ineptitude-_ "

 _Fwam!_ Marisa shoots a basic, blurry white laser at him, and it just kinda clips him...

"Grh…" Lowering his cracked mask, he shakes his head, swinging the freakin' beetle thing on it about as he does so. "I had it all figured out…"

"Good for you!" Looking over at Reimu, Marisa gestures for her to come aid her…! "Now you can figure stuff out in jail, or whatever Reimu wants to do to ya for being a negative nancy."

" _You_ weren't supposed to be here!" He barks at Marisa! "Novice! Ugly _witch!_ "

"An' you're not supposed ta go around sayin' yer gonna _dissect Reimu_ over here, ze…!" Marisa gives him a hard grin! "Only _I_ get ta do that!"

...Reimu whaps her on the forehead with a single ofuda, before drifting down towards the big science dude. "Look. Take off your armor, and we'll talk."

"Never." He jerks his limbs about! "Hakurei… how can you be so _cruel?_ "

...She just stares at him blankly.

He pans his hand out to the surrounding everythings. "Your blood means _so much_ to these people. You- you could further… body development research. We could become greater than youkai! We have _infinite_ potential!"

"Is that really a good thing?" Reimu frowns at him. "Why would we even?"

"Hah!" Tao thinks Reimu is a funny girl! "... _Why?_ Hehah… I'll be kind and teach you, then."

Marisa and Reimu take aggressive stances, weapons ready…!

...Tao slouches. "Not in that way, you _morons_. This is exactly-"

"Get on with it." Reimu doesn't want to hear another tangent!

"... _Fine_." Shaking his head, he continued. "Youkai kill humans. Why shouldn't humans kill youkai?"

"...Not all youkai kill humans." Reimu states-

" _Youkai_ kill _humans_." He reinforces the premise! "...My~, you're so _slow_ , Hakurei…"

...Reimu just furrows her brows a little.

"You do not see. This is a test of how we can advance." Restlessly, Tao tilts his body around, limbs too stiff to produce useful movement. "Life moves forward, evolves, adapts. That which does not shall be _destroyed_. Don't you get it? Is it not so simple, so intrinsic!?"

"Moving forward's not _that_ great." Shaking her head, Reimu casually refutes his point. "I'd hate if I had to do something big _every_ day, or… make stupid sacrifices just to be 'better' than other people, or something. I'm happy being me."

"Maybe that's why there's only _one of you_ , now…" Tao remarks on the Hakurei population! "Such a _waste_."

"Honestly…" Reimu's frowning! "Don't you know how to have fun without… all of this?"

In one ear, and out the other! "You're not _human_. Hakurei scamp."

"You _really_ don't deserve ta walk away…!" Marisa's more fazed by the insults towards the miko than she herself is! "Awake, anyway. Reimu-"

"Spirit Sign!" Oh, shit! "Fantasy Seal!"

Around Reimu, seven yin-yang orbs materialize and instantly begin glowing with bright, softly luminescent but very frightening light!

Tao tries to turn away, but his legs stop halfway. "Agh- brute! _Leech!_ Lech-"

 _Fwam- bam- boom- fwam- wham- bam- fwam!_ Each impact is an echo of color, a rippling of light and a splash of magic, all lingering in the air long after one another.

Once the bombardment of danmaku hell ended, Tao was on the floor, on his back and staring up into the sky through his inexpressive, clunky mask.

…

"There's something _wrong_ with this village." Genkan seems to be once again taken aback by how brutal the village has been.

...I was wondering what the hell happened to Mokou, but apparently she and Keine are staring at the scene from one of the clearing's other edges.

The wind fairy is… somewhere, probably. Actually, where's Ha-chan? Maybe they're playing together, dude!

…

After looking around, Reimu sets her gaze on us, and begins drifting over...

"Hi." I wave at her…

"The council's not really in a position to make demands right now." Alright, Reimu-friend. "...In terms of the fighting, we're pretty much done here, I think. Thanks for… watching." She tilts her head! "Not that you should be doing any fighting here anyway. It'd be nice if you three could help with the unnecessary crime and things, later. You should at least be able to handle random idiots as a party; you three pretty much live here after all."

...Genkan shifts at that. She technically lives in the forest!

Aw, dude… "Do we get paid?"

She gives me a dry stare! "Go do jobs off the job board if you want money. I'm not a business."

"I'm sure we can… contribute, here or there." Genkan sounds curiously neutral about the idea of volunteering! "When we find time."

"Good." With that, she turns and drifts towards the capitol again.

Hoh. So…

We've kickstarted 'fix the village', it seems!

...Shurui steps past us, pulling that guard captain, Hagane, along by the back of his armor. By that I mean, Hagane's on the floor and being dragged along! "C'mon, lad…"

Where's that Ken guy in all of this? Probably inside or something. Random thought…

Stepping towards the capitol, Maria looks back at us. "...I'm kinda interested how this place'll be fixed."

Yea~h. This is a pretty abrupt resolution so far…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Inside, Alice and that one eyepatch banker dude- Okita, yeah, they're talking…

Reimu's right next to the chief, talking down to him…!

There's no Ken in here, apparently. Tao is like, upside down in his chair.

A number of other council members aren't present either. Shurui's here, and Hagane is literally just unconscious.

...From down here, I can't hear what the chief and Reimu're bickering about, but they're bickering!

Aya's taking notes, as anticipated! She was _somewhere_ in the last battle, I'm sure, but hell if I could track her down.

...Aw, yo! Keine's back up on the council seats already! Mokou's with her, too…!

…

The place is pretty trashed, too. Surprisingly the big desk is only chipped and stuff. Chairs are tipped over and strewn about everywhere, and there's holes in the walls and ceiling...

Someone steps past us, making their way across some of the freakin' overturn chairs.

Aww! It's Akyuu, dude! She's freakin' _cuddly-looking,_ dude.

...As she nears the mega desk-

-she slowly begins floating up to reach her respective seat. She apparently knows limited flight magics…

...Chief slams his arms on the big round desk!

…

"So!" Reimu pans her gaze around at the audience…

The audience is me, Aya, Genkan, Maria, and Marisa. Good audience.

...She looks back over at the chief, although their chatter is now audible over the silence, rather than the blabbering of the freakin' noobs beforehand. "There's really not a point in vocalizing everything to just _these_ people. Can't I just write down some things and have you follow them?"

"If you wish to forsake the public voting process, you may…" The chief shakes his head disapprovingly. "Such tyrannic practice."

"Saying it out loud to nobody doesn't do any good. And, the only people here are my friends, who agree with me anyway." Reimu has decided upon writing things! "I need a moment to think over how we're gonna fix this hole in the mud, too. Just to, at the very least, make the village a little less of a bad place to live in and interact with."

"Do what you will." The chief stared down at the desk… "We are at your mercy."

...With a mixed expression, Reimu glances around.

"Uhm…" Akyuu speaks up, dude! "What… happened?"

"The Hakurei have invaded." Chiefy is _sad._ Oh, oh no, son. The friendly Hakurei invasion...

The chief turns to her with the longest of expressions. "I am afraid the era of economic gains is over." Wat. What economic gains…? Half the village is a mud pit!

...Akyuu raises a brow at him. She doesn't bother to reply, either.

…

"She had this less thought out than I thought…" Maria admits…!

...Marisa scoots her chair closer to us! "Hehe~. Well, s'kinda complicated, isn't it…?"

Admittedly, it'd take me a moment to figure out how to fix what the hell's wrong with the village. It's beyond just like, improving automations and government systems… it's like, an ideological problem with some of the villagers.

"...Yeah." Agreeing, Maria stares ahead at the floor. "I'm not sure where I'd even begin…"

In terms of mechanization, stop the crappy youkai ban, hire some new dudes; hell, randomly interview villagers if you have to, so forth.

But, how to fix the dumbasses that are around, other than forcibly kick them out? Ehehe~h…

"Reimu'll figure somethin' out. She's smart!" Marisa taps her noggin' through her ultra poofy hat! And man that is a poofy hat…

...So, yeah! Village politics!

"I'm going to see if we can get a moment with Alice before we go…" Genkan decides. "...After we're done with her, maybe we can come back here, and see what we can do about this place. It's a little late for me to just leave the scenario…"

"Well... " Looking away, Maria seems anxious, fidgeting a little. "You- you don't have to help us if you don't want to…"

"No, I do." Genkan quickly clarifies! "...I do things of my own accord, remember that. I've spent too long lamenting humanity's shortcomings to not be interested about having a hand near them, even if we're simply the disciplinary committee."

...Maria nods. "I see…"

"We get to _own noobs,_ dude." I idly comment on the premise! I guess that's what we'll get to do, anyway… "We gotta think up some cruel and unusual punishments…!"

Genkan snorts! "Why cruel and unusual…? That phrasing..."

Ho ho! "We're gonna make them watch their Ps and Qs, that's why…!"

...Aw. Marisa's smiling at us, dude.

...She meets my stare, staring back.

…

"We're a happy folk." We're just smiling at each other!

"Whah?" Marisa didn't quite catch what I said! "Why're ya _starin'_ at me…?"

"You're poofy." Nuggets, dude…

Rising up, Genkan moves to see if she can have a word with Alice, carefully considering whether to float up to her or not. Considering no one cares if Akyuu floats…

Alice's place should be a fun time! Hopefully she doesn't freakin'... charge us an arm and a leg.

So, yeah! We will be back after some messages, yo…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 75

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Robot Demolisher, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Factory Disassembler, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Village Revolutionary, Has Forgotten What Half of These Titles Stood For, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Hard Winter - A earth/ice-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice! Allows the user to cast Ice Shard. Extends combo length by one artificially. Allows the user to jump out out of combos smoothly, and leave frost in their trail.

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I would like to know where it actually puts all my stuff though…

==o==

WEAPONS:

Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! It better, with a name like 'Swordbreaker'. Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! May cast Flash, an attack that blinds; works best on darkness elementals and youkai. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can cast Gust. By the addition of a steel block, its attack and magic attack increased slightly. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites stuff on impact. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle, allowing the user to cast Flamethrower Plus! Allows the user to cast Fume.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Can produce limitless fresh water. Boosts the power of water skills. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style; physical attack increased, physical defense lowered. User bleeds out faster. Can cast Revenge, an attack that increases in power the lower the user's health is. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to let it cut!

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Lowers defense slightly. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger is slightly electric and holy elemental. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy…

==o==

ARMOR:

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Seventy-five percent time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!

Yuki-onna Kimono - Genkan's stock kimono. It's a little big on me, and smells like wet. Fifty percent ice resistance, probably debuffs fire and burning resist to some degree.

Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! Fifty percent sun resistance, one hundred percent freezing and blinding resistance. Also gives immunity to electrical stunning. It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.

Lunarian Prototype Space Suit - A suit meant for combat in deep space. So far, it's only got the whole 'exist in deep space' part down…! One hundred percent electric resistant. One hundred percent freezing resistant. Has an oxygen tank, but that's only useful if you wear the helmet to go along with it. Randomly casts Zero Gravity when it feels like it.

Lunarian Prototype Deep Space Helmet - It's a freakin' helmet. Fifty percent blinding resistant! When worn with the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit, it also confers immunity to burning and poison, along with another one hundred percent electricity resistance. Yo…!

Testing Oxygen Tank - The oxygen tank used by the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit. Lasts for two and a half minutes! Not meant to actually be used outside of testing, but it's possible. Refills automatically in breathable air.

MP Prize Pin - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field. For awhile only the user(s) of this badge may pick them up, but after a grace period anyone can. Extends prize grabbing range!

Sun Badge - Fifteen percent sun resistance when equipped. Fifty percent resistance to blinding and electrical stunning. Replaces the on-impact effect of all weapons with Sunfire Flare when worn.

==o==

CONSUMABLES/OTHER:

Forty-one thousand, two hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!

Four Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Mega Potion - Youkai-like regen for thirty seconds… except for the whole family! Applies to entire party. Good for when we all suck at life!

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Three Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on debuffs, though...

Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Hina's Bad Luck Talisman - I remembe~r! Upgrades a weapon to debuff luck on strike and stuff!

Rope of Red Bikinis - Wahaha! Gonna getcha, son!

Sacred Eagle Feather - A gift from a rambler. It's… sentimental, I think? Help.

Some Fancy Key - A key lent to me by Brittany. Wha- why. What's it for…!?

Youkai Exterminator Badge - I still have this, dude! Yo ho ho! Allows me to not be considered a youkai by most guardsmen!

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I really have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

==o==

Genkan, the Yuki-onna - A bitter yuki-onna from Gensokyo's wildlands, mostly active in the winter, and on particularly cold days. Heals from ice damage. Commands powerful control over frost, and has a wide variety of ice-affinity attacks. Weak to fire and burning.

SKILLS:

Ice Control - Freely use ice to make stuff. Inherent one hundred percent ice resistance.

Freeze - Instantly freezes one to two enemies. Low chance of working on stronger foes.

Creaking Freeze - Generates a spinning, magic snowflake in an enemy's body, which instantly freezes them after a moment. High accuracy.

Glacier - Erects a massive blade of ice from the ground, dealing incredible physical ice damage.

Triple Glacier - See above, but on three enemies! As such, costs triple the mana!

Ice Spin - Spins and lashes out with chilling frost. Probably just an extension of her normal frost powers and not an actual skill…

Ice Shard - Advanced ice magic. Generates a chunk in an enemy's body which proceeds to freeze the air around it. Power depends on the user.

Snow - Make it snow locally. Very minor ambient ice damage to everyone on the battlefield, including allies. Has a low chance to instantly freeze someone for no reason.

Yuki-onna's Embrace - Hug. Binds target close to her. Makes the target tired, severely lowers accuracy and magical defense, and makes them comfortable. Skill may only be performed by yuki-onna. Negative facets reduced by ice and freezing resist. Someone with over a hundred resistance will be buffed and healed by it…!

Yuki-onna's Entombment - Final, optional stage of the hug…! Guaranteed instant death inflicted by the draining of vitality. Heals the user for the heat taken from the target. Does not work well on bosses or the instant death resistant. Instant death proc is nullified if the target's ice or freezing resistance is over fifty percent. Skill may only be performed by yuki-onna.

Other Skills - Probably has more spells, but freakin'... I dunno her like a textbook!

INVENTORY:

Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means business, son. One hundred percent ice resistance, and as such renders one immune to all magical ice damage. Dunno 'bout icicles and stuff, though. Fifty percent freeze resistance… not that freezing will hurt with this thing on. Fifty percent dark resistance. Negative fifty percent fire and burning resistance. Hopefully hides you a bit when navigating in the freakin' brush...

Money - Apparently.

I dunno - What would I~ have if I was a sexy ice woman?

[unknown spaces remaining]

==o==

Maria, the Actually Ordinary Magician - A villager from the human village. Used to run the most impoverished bar ever, but that fell under or something. Really low self-esteem! No known resistances or weaknesses. Can cast basic elemental spells!

INVENTORY:

Wood Staff - Good for bonking things!

Raggedy Clothing - Low quality, old clothes from the village. Keeps her covered.

[Travel Bag] - Inventory that exists! Does not take up inventory because it is inventory. Eight slots.

Two Mana Potions - Guess wha~t? It heals, except mana!

[six spaces remaining]

==o==

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

brad fight- i mean…

XD hello world

we've finally gotten around to dealing with the ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM: my CRAZY ASS HUMAN VILLAGE

reimu has decided to give it a justified _stern talking to_. :3

oh yeah and i also got to pretend to fight reimu's mom

you might think it a lowball sendai fic reference but that gohei was also there in GENSOKYOBOUND, which i'd wrote like… a year ago or more, so yeah! i did borrow the concept from myself but wahaha

sendai is now in all of my fics somehow even if she's only a lead in one - w -

marisa and friends versus youkai hunters: good fight, balanced matchup

the skill dissonance between marisa and the rest is real, yo…! or, rather, marisa _is_ sort of underestimated compared to reimu, _THE HAKUREI AAAH_ and all that. she might've been in trouble if albus picked her first, or meira picked her, or if literally any other choice in attacks happened (except for attacking mokou which is just a universally bad idea).

master spark is a very good non-elemental nuke too which happens to excel against squishy noob parties like that one

YOROI CHIKARA. forgot to get his hands on a wootz steel helmet so lot of good that really hard armor did

...he's also not magical resistant so marisa probably could've totalled him with star danmaku or lasers, even if he is bomb resistant

also if mokou engaged him he would've just died because armor plus inferno equals _uh oh_ for anything inside the armor

...that, and alice could probably slide through that armor with blades or strings or a lot of different things

AS IT TURNS OUT, really good armor is not REALLY GOOD, at least not when you're fighting some of the most practiced touhous

TAO RYOSHI. would normally have a far more theatrical fight were he not getting totalled by end game gods…! that and i didn't wanna have any long drawn out action segments considering there was technically like _four fights_ in this chapter, i wanted to keep each just sorta remote and its own thing

also _a lot of characters to keep track of now_ but that's kinda inherent with such a massive setting i've created / utilized - w - not that i created GENSOKYO or anything but how individual authors choose to expand, elaborate, build and construct/deconstruct it is distinctly unique to their individual executions, and thereby headcanons

i wanted to do more with shurui this chapter but there wasn't a lot of places to FIT IT IN; maybe eventually, although he _was_ meant to be more a nod to red-haired shanks and a fun face for if we need activity fodder rather than a big mainstay - w - but we'll likely see a lot more of him later

fixing the village: at least there's competent people getting this done - w -

so yeah the general plot direction is sort of aimed, and also _renko and merry yo where'd they go dude where'd they go_

suddenly brad's life is VERY BUSY and it might as well be since it's not like he has any other responsibilities to adhere to anymore (other than perhaps not dying but y'know that comes with the territory son)

sendai vs brad: TOTAL WASH YO, hakurei shrine maidens are not only inherently on another level than humans, but sendai's specced herself into LOTS OF STRENGTH and BUFFING STRENGTH

brad's also not especially great for anything other than support at the moment because of his slapdash fighting style and moveset - w -

on the upside, brad bumped her in the gut once! it dealt chip damage, but he did it!

as always, see you all next time!

==== OH, AND BY THE WAY… ====

we have a discord now as of the time of this batch; the link will just be plastered about the first chapter's AN and this batch's ANs because yeah

and also on my profile

https SEMICOLON SLASH SLASH SON discord DOHT gg SLASH mcVps2R


	96. This time on: Bar Rescue

(in which we have an ice day)

...Moving through the brush, we approach Alice's abode…

There wasn't much point in hanging around at the capitol for longer than we had ta. Mostly 'cause Reimu's still sorting stuff out and she's havin' Marisa, Mokou 'n' Keine help her, and it'll be a bit for the paperwork and other maybe-maybe-not boring insanity to get blown over.

So instead, we're doin' as Genkan wanted and rollin' on over to Alice's place!

Alice is leading the way! "I hope it's not too cold."

...Around us, a revolving ring of dolls with red glowing panels and dull red dresses are doing a wide orbit around us. Them panels seem to be heat dishes, 'cause I'm fryin' up in my one hundred ice resistance…!

Genkan seems to be hovering along the blind spots of the heat dishes, since there's only four dolls around us. "Don't worry. I'm sure it's not too cold."

...Alice gave her a grin. "You'd know, I'm sure."

"It's just right…" Maria tagged along with us because she's a hobo like me now, essentially! And, why not. "How do you make your dolls give out heat like that…?"

"Ah…" Alice glanced over at two as they passed by her, considering how to answer. "Well, the dishes they have are affixed with rather precise aluminum. With just a little magic to make fire and electricity within them, they can keep warm and heat up quite easily. I can't use them to fight, however… I need to fireproof them beyond simply making the dolls flame retardant, or else the heat boxes will just melt."

Ooh. The dishes aren't really _dishes_ except from an outward perspective. In reality, they're like, almost as big as the teddy bear-sized dolls holding them; kinda tubby! The glowing pads facing us are dish-like, though!

The woods're nice and quiet. The leaves're mostly off the generic trees now, so it looks nice and stick-like… although as we get into the magic forest, the leaves're still on the trees there, 'cause they're burly.

As we move down the sorta overgrown path ta Alice's place-

 _Crea~k_. Some kinda plant girl drops down from a tall magic tree! "Nnhou~h…" Her eyes are a dim, luminescent blue. Sounds like a her, anyway; she just looks like a big bundle of smooth vines…

"Don't mind her." Alice ignores the vine girl that dropped down around us. "Some kind of youkai who springs to life when the magic of the trees slows in the winter time. Just don't get close to her and you'll be fine."

"...What happens if you get close to her?" Maria wants to know!

"She tries to snatch you up and break you down into protein." Alice reveals! Hoh, shit… "It's not a very strong bind, but she can snap your neck if she brings you high enough. Fire or wind magic will make them release you, though. Spider girls love them, because they spawn naturally among the trees, and are edible to youkai. Their legs make short work of them, even in the trees."

Quickly, we come on up to Alice's abode. It's rather quaint in its little clearing. I still remember the time her doll army killed an invading spider armada…!

"Youkai eat other youkai…?" Maria seems a little offput by the revelation…!

...Alice turns to her as she nears her door. "Well, yes. Not universally, but it happens. Non-sentient youkai have it the hardest."

"...I've actually eaten some of those vine women before." Genkan's consumed plant matter in her lifetime! "They're best cooked. I don't get how insects eat anything raw." What's a yuki-onna know 'bout cooking…!?

I suppose that'd figure. If they're not sentient, they're probably just looked at like any other animal, even if they look humanoid for _some reason_.

Alice is on a roll, so I'mma ask her another question! "Why're so many youkai humanoid, yo?"

...She pauses in her door, with it halfway open. "I'm not a biologist. Something something fantasy land." Aww…

...The dolls with heat dishes flew up and into the freakin' atmosphere as we entered the house. Goodbye, friends. Where do you even go…!?

It's dark in here… well, dim-

 _Click_. Alice snaps her fingers-

Faintly luminescent orbs of light appear for no reason! Then a tiny chandelier lights up and everything's good, yo…

"So, what do you want me to make?" Marching around her cluttered main table, Alice pivots around to us. "My partnered stores were still selling some things without me being able to talk to them, so I'm in a good mood."

"Wootz steel armor, yo…!" That big guy had wootz steel armor!

"I'm not a tengu." Alice refused my request, yo… "Stick to clothing or more _conventional_ armor choices, if you would."

After givin' me a wry glance, Genkan focused on focused on 'er… "Well, I'd like my kimono here… updated, you might say."

"How much more ice resistance did you want?" Alice puts her arms behind her back…

All of it, yo. "...How much for one hundred percent?" Genkan threw a number out there!

Alice snorted. "That's not cheap, I'll be honest with you. Fifty at most is probably the upper limit of one's common spending range. If you must know, one hundred percent is about fifty to one hundred thousand yen depending, normally. This is also subject to change depending on what reagents I have on hand..."

...Looking over at me, Alice smirked. "You only got a discount because I thought you were broke and I was making fun of you." Oof…

"What if someone… brought you reagents?" Maria questioned the reagents thing!

"Well, that'd cut the cost down, since I wouldn't be sparing my own." Alice admitted. "I don't buy reagents unless they're rare or uncommon yet cheap, but if you wanted me to do something with one of your reagents, I wouldn't turn you away."

How much money do _I_ even have on me? I know Maria's just _broke_ , but Genkan's probably got _some_ pocket change. Lemme see…

"I could… probably help with ice reagents." Genkan supplied. "I'm a yuki-onna, after all. Ice is within my affinity."

...Alice nodded. "You _could_ do that, yes. It'd be awfully taxing on your mana pool to artificially aid in the process of hard generating something worthy of a reagent, though. Unless you were willing to part with some objects in your living space, perhaps. Even icicles would do."

...She leaned to the side, slightly. "I'm unsure if I wish to trek to my abode for such. You hint that I'm able to craft these reagents here…"

"I'd have to set up a small workstation and ways for your mana to be inputted." Alice explained, waving her arms outward, then inward-

Dolls came to start abducting goods from the table. Woah no…! "An object to accept the elemental energy, so forth. It depends on your mana pool, but I'm sure it will leave you drained, and using mana potions to generate reagents is simply wasteful. At that point, one would be better off running around in the woods, looking for elemental components."

"What- wha…" Maria learns how to speak, dude… "What if, um… we casted ice spells on her so she'd get her stamina back?"

Alice rose a brow. "You know ice spells…?"

"Me too!" I wave my hand! I am in fact included…!

" _You_ know ice spells?" Alice looked surprised…!

"Technically!" There's no time to explain, yo!

...At that, she brought her hand to her chin. "If she heals from ice magic normally, that may work. Still, you'd simply be spending your mana in exchange for reagents. Not a huge difference, other than that you have more mana to work with."

"It should suffice." Genkan is confident in our mana, yo. "How much would that cut costs down?"

"...Twenty to thirty thousand yen, depending." Alice gives us the new quota, yo. "Should be more within your price range…"

Wait…

"Yo." I've got an idea…! "Alice, how many things do you own that are ice resistant?"

...She blinks at me. "Well, a dress, a scarf, some gloves… they're not for sale, you know."

"What i~f…" I rub my hands together…! "We threw all the ice-resistant accessories on her we could, and _then_ cast ice spells on her?" RPG logic! If she has _nine hundred percent resistance_ she'd probably have a seizure from low tier ice magic!

"...Well. That's a _thing._ " Alice reluctantly accepts this logic…! "The effects of additional articles of the same kind tend to taper. If you wear two pairs of one hundred resistance pants, you'd only have one hundred fifty." How does that even _work_. How does resistance work at all…!? Why's it _heal you!?_

"Why do resistances heal people…!?" I'm so confused!

"You're going to have to pay me for lessons if you plan on asking this many questions." Alice wards us off from asking about general magic theory…! "Patchouli would be more apt for randomly throwing that question at, if you can keep at her long enough.

"The short of the matter is, resistances are largely weighed by bottoms, tops, hats, and accessories. Sometimes in full suits, too. Accessories can include shoes, apparel like badges or rings, so forth. Those are typically pretty worthless resistance-wise, unless you got a lot of them." Alice blinked a few times, before bringing a hand to her upper chest…

By this point, her helper dolls've done away with most of the stuff on the table.

Alice moved to her back counter. "Le- let me get a drink. I've been talking too long…"

"Our apologies." ...Hoo~! Genkan's smooth, yo…!

...While Alice got herself a glass of water, Maria looked over at me. "You have money, right…?"

"Oh- oh yeah, yo…" Lemme just…

Aa~h. _Forty_ thousand yen and change, still? Shit man, I'm loaded! When the hell'd I collect all of this, anyway? Were those jobs really for that much…?

Then again, that's like forty dollars in American. I can get four _really good_ burgers with this, dude. Alternatively, two tanks of gas in an economy car! Or half of the money to unlocking Darth Vader in 'Battlefront 2', hmm…

I shouldn't know that last fact because the year's still two thousand fifteen!

"Half a Darth Vader, yo." I nod at the money in my pouch inside of my other pouch!

"A whah?" Maria doesn't know what a Darth Vader is…!

"Forty thousand yen about…!" I grin at 'er!

"I only have about twelve thousand on me." Genkan reveals her money total! "...I don't really _need_ money, out here, but it still gets around."

"I've got, um…" Maria took pause to consider her money. "Oh, yeah. I had you borrow my money, so my… adults wouldn't take it."

"Oh, ye." Lemme just…

Coin purse located! I hand it on over to her...

...Alice is just givin' us a curious _stare_ at that exchange. I'd probably be, too!

She reads off the total. "Three thousand yen…" Thirty smackaroos! She can get… half of a triple-A title! Or a _really big_ fountain drink. The _big gulp_ , dude.

"The two of us have enough between ourselves for some articles, I'm sure." Genkan denies Maria the chance to blow her thirty dollars on clothing. Well, our clothing anyway.

Now that I think about it, should we get Maria anything? It'd probably be nice to get her something that's not a little banged up. I mean, don't get me wrong, there's some respect in genuinely worn clothes- none 'a that 'buy jeans, rip them up on day one and pretend you're cool' bullshit- but when the opportunity fer an _upgrade_ arises…

"I do have those things from my… _people_." Reaching into her pockets, she digs for that tiny pouch Marisa stole for her...

"...I'll make her something presentable, on the side." Alice seems to have similar thoughts! "Regular villager clothing is nothing at all to produce, really. If she wants anything _fancy,_ that's a different story."

Bringing out the bag of family gems, Maria shakes it about a little. "They had these gems that they, um, gave me." Yeah, yo.

...Alice tilted her head. "Gems? What kinds…?"

...Peeking inside, Maria tilted her head back and forth. "Like… there's some blue ones, and red ones, and some round coins…"

"Sounds… lavish." With a brow raised, she considered this. "Well, I suppose you could get something expensive if you wanted, then. I could always do with more gems..."

Bringing her arms out, Alice articulates her fingers! Aw dude, she's making Naruto hand symbols! Like the, uh, middle finger jitsu, the stick-it-up-your-ass bomb, the…

Yeah, I didn't watch Naruto…!

...Some dolls start to bring metal _things_ to the table. Presses, parts, pads…

One brings a stone, while some others bring like, metal stick things. Ooo...

Click, clack, click. Aw…

Slowly, the dolls build some kinda _set_ on the table before us. Some of the stone pads have pentagrams, others are just runic, vaguely glowy blue or cyan circles. Dolls're placin' blocks to prop some pads up higher, while others are just… doing _something_ with metallic bits. Laying it down and having it magnetize in place…?

"Oh, you wouldn't know." Alice realizes we're not genies like her! "I'm building a transfusion lab right here. It only has to be fairly simple, because we've got a true yuki-onna as a power source, which makes things a lot more convenient."

Ho ho…

"Ooh…" Maria leans forwards and examines it!

"...Will this feel curious?" Genkan looked up at the puppeteer as the dolls placed a lot of _stuff_.

"It'll probably make you really tired, but otherwise no." Still articulating her fingers, the puppeteer leaned forward towards her lab thing. "Let's see how many we can make…"

...After some seconds, only a few dolls were making adjustments to the freakin' block puzzle she was setting up.

A metal stick on the very side of the contraption was passed by a yuki-onna doll to Genkan, for her to hold with one hand.

Walking around the side, Alice held up a freakin' steering-wheel-esque thing. "Hold on, let me put this on the end for you."

...Once allowed-

 _Clink!_ Alice attached the _steering wheel_ to the stick. "There. I'll tell you when to channel."

"Alright." Genkan nodded at this…

...At the end of the series of raised and lowered pads- metal rings and wires running along all of them in the meanwhile- was a grey cubic block outfitted with unique, black carvings. It was small enough to fit in yer hand, too!

Alice taps on the block. "This will be the resulting reagent."

"Why not just channel into it directly?" Maria instantly points out. "Why… all of this?"

"So it doesn't explode or get frozen instead." Alice summarized about as instantly! "If you just hit it really hard with ice magic, like any other object, it will at some point stop collecting mana and just take the elements the hard way. This system lets us actually write the ice element inside of it."

"Isn't putting so much mana into one object kind of… dangerous?" Maria examines the block closer…

"Not when it's elementally attuned. This block is for ice only." Walking around, Alice gave her device a once-over… "Admittedly, while many of these parts are superficial with an actual yuki-onna here, they're not harmful to the process. That, and it's made out of rock, because rocks are receptive to input and don't act nearly as funny as certain metals do when they're charged."

...A doll with a water faucet for a head drifts up, holding Alice's empty water cup-

 _Sploo~sh_. It fills it, its faucet turning to fill up the cup…

Alice accepts the glass, and half-chugs it. "Ghghgh~..." She gargles it, too!

"I guess it won't lash out if you drop it, either…" Stepping back from it, Maria nodded. "That's good."

...Swallowing her drink, Alice nodded. "Indeed. It won't lash out under normal circumstances. If you abuse it too poorly, though, it can explode, leak, or suffer impact activation."

"Aw, dude…" It's magically delicious. "What if it _killed me_ , dude. Can it be used for _war_ , yo…!?"

...Alice blinks at me before replying. "If I threw a rock at you, does the voltage kill you or the charge?"

I guess it's pretty stable, then…!

Cli- cli- cli- clink. Suddenly, smoothly whirling metal prods connected all of the metal rings of the myriad stone pads.

"Alright." Alice moves over to the stone block-

 _Cla- cla- clank!_ Various metal _things_ move to clamp it in place, although it's only visibly being held down by a tiny, bent metal wire pressing down on the top. "Ready to charge. Whenever you're ready."

...Holding onto the grips of the steering wheel she was given, Genkan closes her eyes…

...After a moment, her hair begins to float, as does some of her clothing-

 _Fwa~sh!_ The outer grips of the steering wheel are frozen, along with her hands.

Even so, pale, barely blue energy visibly travels through a slot on the middle of the steering wheel and along the curved metal…

As it slowly progresses along, it travels into the first stone pad of the like seven…

The pentagram in the middle begins to glow with the energy, for a moment-

Fwi~sh. Some frosty magic releases from the circle, as the rest along the frame travels into the next pad, which is a few centimeters up…

"The purpose of these pads is to ensure purity of the element." Alice explains their existence. "Normally, if I were to try and extract it from a lot of snow, ice, non-ice individuals or enchanted objects, there'd also be a lot of things that _aren't_ ice."

By now, the mana traveling along the wire was being fed into the fifth circle already, the pentagram lighting up before dimming to a faint glow again.

"These magical circles filter elements and expel them. Additionally, they increase automation of the extraction." Looking over at Genkan, she smiles. "Are you even trying, anymore?"

"N- no…" Genkan's eyebrows are raised. "It- it's just… leaving me…"

"Mmm." Nodding at this, Alice looks back at the device. "It'll stop once the reagent is full, and deposit whatever can't be used back into you. Unless it's not ice, as it's being expelled, but… you're a yuki-onna, so it's all ice.

"The reason it costs a lot of mana is in part to fuel the machine, but also to stimulate the reagent so the magic writes to it and it doesn't just die. Even so, the resulting reagent won't have high magical charge, just elemental." ...Furrowing her brows, Alice takes a drink from her water again.

"Wo~w…" Maria has become impressed! "How long did it take you to come up with this…?"

"...Awhile, admittedly." She looked to the side, her arms behind her back again as the cup leaves her hands and begins floating. "I got some pointers from Patchouli, initially. She's been working with the elements for a long time."

The previously black rune thing is now starting to glow brighter, with cyan energy…! The magic itself was flowing in from the metal cage around it, but also through that one clamp on the top of it.

"I'll make you something in the meantime…" Turning to her back counter, Alice starts to move her arms-

Dolls whirl to grab tools and use 'em, as opposed to not using 'em! "Would you like anything specific? Skirt versus pants, color, etcetera?"

"...Yo- you mean me?" Maria glances at me, for some reason…!

"No, the glass floating beside me." Alice jeered. "Yes, I mean you. I'll ask Brad what he wants later, when the reagents are done. Considering his _company,_ I'm sure it's going to be ice related." She's a psychic, dude…!

"...Well." Looking down at her abraded, dull clothing, she considers what to ask for… "Hmm~. Um… some yellows would be nice. How's a... _light blue_ skirt, a… _tan_ vest, and a yellow shirt sound?"

"I can do that." Nodding, Alice thrusts an arm forward-

The dolls take to some of the material on the counter, and stuff starts floating and it all gets very complicated!

 _Voo~m_. The reagent machine behind us suddenly gives an exhaling hum-

 _Clank_. The metal cage around the reagent comes undone!

"A- aah…" Depleted, Genkan stumbles back, the ice around the handle of the machine suddenly in fragments and on the floor. "That… took more out of me… than I thought it wo- would…"

"Do sit down and rest." Alice instructs her. "Brad, you said something about throwing ice magic at her, so go do that." Yo ho ho…

...She looks over at Maria. "Do you want some new shoes, too?"

...Maria glances down at her shoes. "Hmm~... well. Maybe something sturdier. These don't take water well, and… I've had them for awhile now."

"Considering the human village standard…" Alice mutters to herself about the shoe standard in the village! "I'll make you some boots, perhaps. That's what I and Patchouli prefer, when she isn't wearing slippers, that is."

Aw, yo. "What about _Marisa_ , yo?"

"She just throws on whatever." Alice waves her off! "Boots, shoes… well, you wouldn't catch her in heels. Barefoot maybe."

Hoh. I haven't really considered what footwear I've been wearing…! Let's see… pretty sure I still got on these freakin' clunky boots I stole from Alice's guest closet awhile ago. They've helped my feet not die. Luckily no one really pays attention to your foot apparel! I _do_ have to put on booties for my space man suit when I wear it, since it wouldn't be air tight otherwise.

...Genkan stumbles towards me, looking drowsy. "...So~."

Aw. "Let's see if we can min-max your ice resistance with what we got on hand!" Since Alice's home is pretty warm, I start stripping off my kimono…

...Alice glances back towards me! "What- _why._ "

"It has ice resistance, yo!" I point out! "We must max her ice resistance for the refill!"

"But…" She looks conflicted! "Look, I have a few rings and articles-"

"Don't _worry_ , yo." With the kimono now off, I drape it onto Genkan lazily so she can work it out herself. "Your home is warm."

"...Great." Looking jaded, she looks back to the dolls as they make Maria's things. Then, she turns from them-

 _Click!_ After snapping her fingers, she holds her arm towards her room's door and tugs-

 _Bam!_ The door slams open, some yuki-onna-styled dolls carrying out scarves and hats and mittens and rings…!

"Yo ho ho…!" That's a lot of ice-resistant stuff! I point at a cobalt-lookin' ring! "How much is that, yo?"

"More than you." Alice theorized. "...If you meant resistance, well, also more than you, at this moment. Seventy-five percent, one hundred freeze resist."

"How much?" I turn to her!

"Not for sale." Aww. "...I'd accept nine hundred thousand, though. Cobalt's not that difficult to find or enchant, really." Aha~h…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Genkan now has two kimonos on, a pair of neon blue boots with wings and iron tips, a big ice cube attached to a visor as a hat, with a straw rice hat _on top_ of it, scarfs for shoulder pads, scarfs taped to her thighs, _scarfs everywhere_ , rings on every finger with mittens over each hand, and a pair of cyan shutter shade glasses.

"I feel violated." She turns to us with a jaded expression…!

"She should have seven to eight hundred ice resistance, now." Alice notes. Holy shit…! "Wet her for best results."

...A doll holding a bucket slowly travels over her-

 _Spla~sh_. -and dumps it onto her, ice cubes rolling off of her-

"Wa- aa- aa~h…" She seems to tense up from the sensation! "Tha- that…"

"Sorry." Alice apologizes for the water. "...I've already replaced the reagent cube with a clean one. When she gets to the handle, could you two pump ice magic into her? However you do it, anyway."

Maria's in her new clothes, dude. "Sure!"

...Rigidly, Genkan stomps over to the metal steering wheel in her big clunky ice boots, before grabbing on. "...Ready, I guess."

"Alright…" Reeling her staff back, Maria swings it down! " _Freeze!_ "

 _Fwa~sh!_ A shotgun spread of ice travels into Genkan-

" _Ooo~h!_ " She arches back-

 _Fwa~sh!_ Suddenly, her arms and the entire metal steering wheel are frozen solid in a big block of ice-

 _Voo- voo~m!_ The entire machine lights to life nearly instantly…! Holy shit!

"Oh- woah, that…" Alice flinched at the reaction! I wonder how Genkan's taking-

" _Blizzard!_ " Marisa casts again! Son-

 _Fwa~sh!_ The ice chunks strike her-

" _Aa- aa~hn!_ " Slowly, she started to drop onto her bottom, crouching down-

 _Fwoom!_ The reagent lights up with energy, glowing violently! Yo ho ho~!

 _Clank!_ Alice quickly snatches it, forcing the clank to undo itself. "Um- I think that's-"

 _Fwa~sh!_ Maria already swung her staff again, a weaker spread of ice hitting the yuki-onna. Um...

" _Aa- aa- nnh…!_ " She jitters violently-

 _Crack!_ -before breaking the ice effortlessly and sprawling out on the floor, pulsing and anxiously moving her limbs with no rhyme or reason. "Waa- aanh- ooh… ha- aah..." Da~h...

...Alice scratched her cheek. "I think that's enough…"

"Um…" Maria held a hand to her mouth.

"Nn- nnh…" Still vibrating on the floor, Genkan stared up at the ceiling. "Aa- ha- haa~h…"

"Are you okay?" Maria blinked down at her.

"She's… 'okay'." Alice answers for her. "Just overstimulated. I forgot to note this, but healing done through elemental conversion is converted to pleasure as well, so..."

Ah. So, uuh…

Shivering on the floor, Genkan's limbs slowly stopped feeling at the wood crazily. "Hehehehe~..." Aw.

"Simply put, you made her orgasm." Alice summarizes! Oh, okay, then…! "She'll be fine in a few minutes, and probably a little peeved."

"Oh…" Still holding a hand to her mouth, Maria looks down at her…! "Sorry, Genkan…!"

"Ha- aah…" Letting out a shuddering exhale, Genkan looks up at her with a drunk, flushed expression. "You- you… nnh…"

Arching her back a little as she lied on the floor, she let out a happy shiver and sigh. "Woa- oo~h… ooh~..."

==== FREAKIN GENSOYKO ====

Standing again, Genkan had her arms folded…

"I'm sorry~..." Maria had a small smile… "Forgive me?"

...Genkan was still flushed. Then, she gave me a _hard stare_.

"Hi." I wave at her…

She snorts. "...Do any of you… know how to channel _slightly_ more gracefully than that?"

"I should _probably_ teach them that." Alice remarked from a chair across from us! We were all sitting on this couch she had on the side of the room, while she herself was just _over there_. "...Did it feel good?"

"Shut up." Genkan looked away! "You were the _last_ person I'd expected to remark."

"Those two are surprisingly sane at the moment." Grinning, Alice shared her sentiment! "I decided to fill in since no one else was going to."

"...And, yes. It _did_ feel good. I _still_ feel good." Genkan also now had most of her crazy min-max gear off and was just in two kimonos. "I'm also confused and disoriented, and happy. I'm a little angry about being happy, so I guess it evens out."

"I don't typically like having more than one hundred percent resistance." Alice remarked! "...Usually, I keep my resistance towards anything at about seventy percent at most so I can still feel it. Anything over one hundred could let someone overstimulate me, although I guess that wouldn't start until about one hundred and fifty."

Cli- click. She sat down the reagents on the chair she placed next to herself. "The reagent wasn't harmed, though, so that was actually really efficient. We just have to work on the part where she melts into a lewd pancake on the floor."

"The stains I've left on these kimonos better come out free of charge…" Genkan remarks about her love fluids!

"Sure." Alice waves it off. "They don't stain hard."

"And how'd _you_ know, yo!?" I point at her!

"You haven't worked in the clothing business." Smirking at me, she stood and began moving to place a new reagent block down. "I used to do cleaning at the village. The amount of cum and piss stains were more than I'd care to note. You'd think people could wash that on their own, but no~. Well..." Placing the reagent on its pad and-

 _Clank!_ -clamping it shut, she gained a focused expression. "Not that half the village has water access beyond drinking, anyway. It's a good thing Reimu went to beat up that tilted council today. That whole 'no youkai' thing was starting to annoy me to the point I half considered cloaking over the walls, or setting up a warp."

Aw. "Why not just _beat up a boy_ , yo?" I refer to the gate guards!

"I like not being a criminal, thank you." Alice gives me a stare…! "I don't have to be _that_ rude to infiltrate a big exterior wall."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Some time later, we had our reagents…

By that, I mean, we have like six now, because we've got okay mana pools and Genkan seems to be fully recharged after like four casts from either of us. We made sure not to make her blast off again…!

"Ha~h…" Maria's tuckered out, though. "Will that be enough…?"

"Oh, certainly." Alice nodded at the reagents. "Depends on how much ice resistance you all want. We probably only needed four at most, so I can deduct those last two from your price." Hoh. We provided a service, yo…

I'm back in my camou-kimono! Probably not for long if I get it upgraded again, but it was gettin' weird being half-naked for like an hour around chicks…! Not that Gensokyo has any freakin' guys to go around, but y'know…!

"...Do we have enough for one hundred percent on an outfit?" Genkan questioned!

"Mmm. That'd be two of these reagents." Alice states, lookin' 'em over. So each one is _fifty percent_ , huh? Hoh…!

I wonder if we can all become ice gods. Well, in theory yes, but price-wise…

"Oh, these make you more susceptible to fire, too." Alice also adds! "Kind of comes with the territory." ...Looking at me, she speaks to me! "So don't get _too_ invested in stacking one defense, now. Unless you plan to come with a bunch of fire reagents or a lava demon, next time."

...I mean, we can all put out fire anyway- or at least _me_ , so… I make a request! "How much to give me fifty percent more resistance, give Genkan one hundred percent more, and give Maria~... fifty percent?"

"That'd be four reagents, yes. Twenty thousand yen total, between the cloth, cleaning, and enchantment." Ooh. For the amount of _stuff_ getting done, that's not a bad price at all!

"I can pitch in ten thousand." Genkan offers, before placing her money down on the now clean table...

Holding out my money, I place it on the table! "I have the other ten!"

"We're enchanting mine, too…?" Maria tilts her head!

"Ye, ye ye, ye." I nod repeatedly… "It beats having no resistances!"

"I- I wonder…" Maria speaks up! "If we have leftover reagents… could I get a staff, too?"

Snorting, Alice held her arm… "You're fortunate I'm pretty blatantly a magi. I _have_ been requested to build staffs and magical focuses, yes…"

With a slanted, somewhat awkward smile, Maria made her request. "What could I get with one of those cube things…?"

"...Considering your _current_ focus," Alice looked at her wood staff blankly, "you could probably either have me upgrade that or craft you a new one. It really doesn't matter since yours is just magically acclimated _wood_ , which is cheap and common. A good choice nonetheless, but..."

Taking one of the reagents, Alice stared into it… "Hmm. It'd be an ice-elemental staff, so it'd also grant resistance, as well as boost the power of ice skills. You could probably cast a higher tier of ice magic than your normal with it, as well as perhaps something on the side."

"...That sounds good." Maria is happy with that! "I figured, with these gems I have, if it costs anything extra…"

"Well, an ice staff _is_ pretty fancy, but…" Alice waves it off. "Really, something like that should only cost a few thousand yen, since you made the reagents and everything."

...With that, she takes a breath.

"Alright…" She smiles at us! "...You're all going to need to take off your clothes."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We're in Alice's guest room now, dressed in _temporary apparel_. Namely, oversized t-shirts and tubby shorts that needed belts to stay on.

Looking under one of the beds, I examined some dust muffins…

"Dude…" I glance back at my friends. "Dust friends."

"im a wriggly" One of them _speaks_ …! "wiggle wiggle wiggle" Aw.

 _Fwif_. One of them makes a cuddly noise after it turns to me. Hi…

"No." Genkan refuses to greet the dust friends.

"They make me sneeze." Maria doesn't like them either! Aa~h!

Well, that's good. These things're vicious, anyway…!

I scoop 'em out from under the bed, and hold them up. "Yo ho ho~..."

...They attempt to gnaw on my arms with their _shell noses_. Hnn~gh…!

...I hold them closer!

One of them turns to me, so I lean in closer and nuzzle it until it falls out of my arms. Wahaha!

"no" Its friend stares at me expressionlessly.

"...No~." I tip it over, too.

Poof. It lands on its side, crestfallen and unresponsive.

And… a~nd…

"Achoo!" They made me sneeze…

"See?" Maria has proven her point.

...Genkan holds her arms out-

 _Fwa~sh!_ They froze solid.

…

Bending down, I picked up one of the fluff-cubes. "A relic from the long lost ice era, dude…"

...Leaning forward, Genkan smacks it from my hands-

 _Cra~ck!_ It shatters on the floor, the fluffle inside decimated.

Maria chuckles. "O- oh, no."

"You _decimated_ it…!" I stare at the icy mess!

"Good." Grinning, she examines the beds. "Western beds. How odd."

"Alice is a pretty western name." Maria reflected. "I wonder where she came from." ...The west! More specifically, the _shadow realm_ …!

...Looking over at us, Maria poses a question! "Where do people refer to when they mean 'the west', anyway?" Aw. That's the _good question_ , dude.

"...I _think_ it was inherited from outside terminology." Genkan supposes, drifting around the guest beds. "Since, before the barrier, there was more land, so the comparison was more apt. Considering Gensokyo's size, there's no relevance to an 'east or west' here."

"They refer to the west, yo." I answer for funsies!

...Maria gives me a dry stare. "Yeah- thanks. No, really."

Now, to answer for _realsies!_ "...Do you guys know where _Japan_ is?"

"Yes." Genkan replies immediately. "We're in it, clearly."

"Mmm!" Maria agrees with her! "Gensokyo formed in a land called Japan. That's common knowledge…"

"Do either of ya… know what Japan _looks_ like? Geometry-wise." Now we get to the fun part!

"I think it was in a book…" Maria tilted her head. "...Sort of long, right? Also a lot bigger than Gensokyo…"

...Genkan doesn't respond, not knowing what Japan looks like, I think!

"Do ya guys know what's _past_ Japan?" This is the good part…!

Genkan has a tilted smile at that. "This is supposing there's things past Japan."

"You'd think that kind of thing would be _documented_ if it were the case." I now have Maria's full attention! "Keine didn't really get to go over geography with us, but we never really talked of anything _past_ Japan."

I grin! "...Need I remind ya guys I'm from the _outside?_ "

…

"What's past Japan!?" Maria wants to know!

"That _would_ figure." Genkan nodded… "I'm pretty sure 'Brad' is western."

...Lookin' around, freakin'... I need paper and a pen! So I can draw a crappy world map to demonstrate how big the Earth is!

Moving up to the door out, I knock on it before opening it! "Yo, Alice!"

...Out in the main room, Alice looks at me as everything ever happens around her, dolls acting as her eighty eight kazillion different hands. "Wha~t? You didn't hurt yourselves, did you?"

I shake my head. "Yeah, they got me pregnant. Could I get a piece 'a paper and a pen?"

Alice double took at me for a moment! "They _what?_ Ah- hold on…"

...After a few seconds, a generic blue doll slowly floats up to me with a sheet of paper, a pen precariously balanced on it.

"Cool, thanks!" Grabbin' it, I give 'er a wave and shut the door!

...Alright! I should've shoved fluffles down my shirt for that pregnancy joke.

"Why must you tell people strange lies?" Genkan just gives me a flat stare…!

"It's the genie's curse, dude." Brushing off her exasperation, I place the paper down…!

Alri~ght. "I'mm'onna draw the land masses here, so you guys can get some scale…"

First, let's draw Russia~... and like, the rest 'a China, Europe… and Africa'd be _there_. A~nd, Japan i~s… this little thing right here!

"I know it's ugly, yo, but those two islands right there…" I point to the vague 'j' shape! "That's Japan!"

...While they stare at it, I start drawin' the _other_ series of continents…

"What's all this other stuff?" Maria looks at the other continents.

"The outside, yo." A~nd South America done! Wait, gotta draw _Antarctica_ …

"...And that's Japan." Genkan blinked at the small island.

"The _island_ of Japan, ye." I nod at it. "But wait, there's more…!"

...Looking rea~lly closely at Japan, I draw a _dot._ "A~nd there's Gensokyo! S'probably a little bigger than Gensokyo actually is, really."

…

"It's... not a small world, after all." Genkan looks fairly taken aback!

I gesture to America. "Here's the west everyone likes to refer to! Western names are actually only really common like…" I draw an X on America. "Here, and…" Also, Britain. "Here. Which're, y'know, _west_ compared to everything else. Japan's actually the very far east!"

"Wo~w…" Maria gapes… "What's that?" She points at Antarctica first. Daa~h…

"This continent… is entirely ice." I explain! "No one lives there."

"Except for ice beings." Genkan interjects promptly. "...Which might happen to exist, in case you'd forgotten."

"Yeah, yo." I turn to her…! "Like penguins! Sometimes. And the occasional researcher…" Maybe polar bears. I think those are distinctly northern, though.

"...Youkai, I mean." Genkan rolls her hand. "Such as…"

"Oh." I shake my head-

"There aren't youkai on the outside." Maria delivers the news! "...According to Keine, anyway."

I nod! "Yeah, pretty much. Since they live off 'a fear and stuff, and humanity's gotten pretty _settled_ with its weapons of mass destruction and super guns and tanks and stuff."

...Genkan looks mixed! " _No_ youkai…?"

I shake my head. "'Cept for some very remote regions, probably not! However there _are_ like…" Let's see… seven billion, wasn't it? "Seven _billion_ humans."

...Maria's risen her eyebrows!

Genkan has, too, yo…! "Seven _billion_."

I nod. "Yeah, yo."

"And how would you know…?" She seems skeptical! "With such a massive number-"

"We got like a million governments, and they like to record data." I inform her. "Also, yeah, without youkai, we have a million nations and villages- well, 'villages' everywhere, and we all want to kill each other. We share data and stuff and pretend to be friends, though!"

...Genkan's just kinda processing this!

"Oh, and if we aren't killing each other…" Important to note! "We're exploitin' each other for profit. On our own citizens too, more often than not…!"

…

"You know…" Genkan slowly nods. "I think I like it inside."

"Well…" Maria furrows her brows. "It… can't be all bad, right?"

I nod. "Well, yeah. Antarctica is entirely ice, so it's safe!"

"No, I mean…" Maria points to America. "What about here?"

"Aw, I grew up there, yo!" I loom over it…! "In fact…"

I draw a dot on my state! "Ri~ght here."

"What was it like…?" Maria looks down at it…!

"Well, for fifteen years, you're shoehorned into a really janky educational system…" It's rant time! "Where they basically just kinda keep you still in one place from the age 'a five until the age of like, twenty or so, and tell you anything other than the accepted norm is meaningless and stupid and scary.

"Then, once you're out, you have to sell your soul to learn actually vaguely useful things at a slow rate to private educational institutions for a few more years... and then work until you die on something _hopefully_ you've come to like. And, u~h, that's if you've found your identity! If you _haven't_ \- we don't teach anything social or character-related, uu~h- you just kinda work menial labor, until you get your shit together o~r kill yourself. Well- then there's homelessness, but yeah." A~nd rant done! Never look back, yo…!

…

"I feel like you're biased…" Maria gives me a focused expression...

I give 'er a grin! "Well, it actually wasn't _all_ bad…"

"See?" Maria smiles!

"Whenever I wasn't being, ah, kept still for six hours at a time, I was doing busywork so that I wouldn't rape the world or something- like the _satan children_ all uneducated teenagers are supposed to be. A~nd when I _wasn't_ , I was able to have fun for the latter half of my days! Y'see, we had these things called _computers_ , and they let'cha read, write, listen to _music_ , play- aah… _interact_ with mediums of entertainment." Man, reminiscing on my time before Gensokyo at this point is weird.

"Computers…" Genkan considered this, still looking over the map. "Like the kappa?"

"Kind of." I wobbly my hand about. " _Basically_ , they let you access entertainment 'n' information, and chat with others. They were boxes you sat at all day and typed at, 'cause the world outside's boring and full of sad, stupid, or boring people. That was uh… that was our fun!" Oh, man, putting it like that, it sounds kind of depressing. "...But, I mean, I got into some real shit online, yo…!"

Like- there was this fanfic I wrote- wait, shit…

"So you sat in front of a box all day…" Genkan retraced my logic! "...And that was _fun?_ "

...Well. "Yeah." I nodded. "Better than going outside. Had nothing to talk about with anyone, nothing interesting outside my house, buncha dudes out there who wanted to kill people a~nd like, nothing to do. By the time I figured out our town had a _library_ I was already at the stage of 'education' that traveling to one would kinda take too much time and effort. S'a bit ironic, innit…? Education kinda prevented me from being educated!"

...I looked down at the paper! "This is implying our library had anything interesting! Which, it might've. I dunno, I never _checked._ "

…

Maria points at Africa. "What's… there, then?"

"Lots of sand!" I smile! "It'sa _desert_. South of that is a buncha tribes who shove sticks up each other's asses and eat sand, I guess. Y'know- that's probably the most logical place for youkai to be, next to like… really north Canada, or the middle east."

"Where's Canada?" Genkan was interested by this notion!

...Oh, crap, I forgot to draw Alaska and Canada. "Da~h, right up here, actually…!" The~re we go! "Forgot to draw it…!"

"...Ah." Genkan blinked at it.

"What's… there?" Maria pointed at China!

"That's a nation called China!" I explain! "Most oppressive dictatorship- next to North Korea- that still exists! People jump from buildings to get out of the forced labor! I think, ah, they had to put up nets around them so people stopped doing that."

Shaking her head, Maria points at Britain. "What, um, about there?"

I nod. "Aah. Britain- or England, whichever. It's like America, except British."

"...Okay." Furrowing her brows, Maria pointed at South America… "What about… there?"

"Drugs, forests full of deadly touch tarantula spiders, a~nd lots of murder!" I nod!

She points at India! "There…?"

"Overpopulation, re~lative poverty? I don't really know…" I never was really interested in India…

...She points at Australia, looking at me expectantly.

"No one is alive in Australia." I inform her. "The animals killed _literally_ everyone, it's a ghost town."

"Jeez…!" Looking intimidated, Maria points at the middle east! "What about _there_?"

"Rape, bombs everywhere, lots of sand and money." Yeah, it's fun. "Oh, yeah, lack of human rights. Religious wars everywhere!"

"Alright…" Backing away from the map, Maria puts her arms on her hips. "What would you say about _Gensokyo_ , then?"

Aw. "Super deadly magical girls! No safe regular place for safety-craving regular dudes, human part of the place sucks ass, a~nd no structure! Human populace as a whole gets harvested by existing, bu~t you don't necessarily gotta stick around in the village…!"

At least the people here kill you to eat you and not like, because you defied their god or because your corpse would help further their capital, or 'cause the government just said so.

...Maria tilts her head. "Harvested…? Well, I guess."

…

"He~y." Alice waves an article of clothing into the room. "When you're all done being buddies, come get your clothes. I've been done for awhile now..." Hoh, shit…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Oo~h, wow. One hundred fifty percent ice resistance in cold weather… feels kinda weird. In the words of the overhyped fairies, 'I feel really good about today'!

We start to come up to the human village gates, all clad in our new clothing!

Genkan's kimono is nice and white again, with some additional shiny blue embroidery to signify it as _better_. "Ha~h…" She's happy about it, too! "This makes me feel flighty."

"It's so much better out…!" Maria's yellow shirt now has a big snowflake pattern stitched into the front with blue thread. "It's like it's early fall again…!"

She's now got a darker wood staff with the ice reagent just kinda trapped in a cage of wood atop it. Her old one's still on her back for the moment. After making it, Alice appraised it! Twenty five percent ice resistance, one hundred percent freezing resistance, allows the user to cast Blizzara and Ice Shard, and boosts the power of ice skills. Negative fifty percent burning resistance, though.

...As we move up to the gate-

"Halt!" The guard steps in front of it, pike ready!

Leanin' back for a moment, I pull my youkai badge! "Yo~! Wha's _good_ , son!?"

...Blinking at the badge, he steps back a bit! "...What is that?"

"A _badge,_ son." I point out the obvious to him. "A _youkai exterminator_ badge. I'm takin' these _youkai_ in, dude. Gettin' a _big bounty_."

"...Oh." Nodding at this, he moves for the reel. "Sorry, sir." _Sir_ , dude!

As the gate reels open, I spare a wink ta my party as I wait for it to open…!

...Once it's opened we just progress on inside. Ho, ho ho.

...No more guards're stationed on the sides of the road every ten seconds. Yo ho ho.

"We should go see what Reimu's up to down in the capit _o~l._ " I turn to one of the left alleys as we enter!

"Ah, yeah." Maria nods at this. "Let's go…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We walk in the totally broken and thrashed front door…

Inside, Reimu and Akyuu are near the chiefy, again. The wind fairy is just kinda in the corner of the room, and Ha-chan's… harassing her, I suppose!

"C'mo~n…" Ha-chan stomped in place next to her! "Let's sing songs like merry good folk!"

"Please, fragmented one…" The wind fairy doesn't even look over at 'er. "Go play in a storm."

Ha-chan tilted her head. "...I don't think there's any storms right now."

...As for people on the seats, we got like, Tao chained in place, a~nd Shurui chillin' in his seat, with Hagane chained up next to him. That money dude that Alice talked with isn't here, though. Okita, was it? Yeah.

...Reimu looks down at us!

I wave! "Ho~!"

...Parting from the chief, she floats up and down to us in a second or two.

"What's up?" She tilts her head before landing smoothly before us. "You guys come here for anything?"

"We came ta _clean this place up,_ yo." I move to crack my knuckles…!

Cra- _crack_. _Oof_.

...Giving me a dry stare, Reimu nods at my display. "...Alright. Let me go get one of my to-do lists for this place…" She floats away again…

Aw, to-do list. We'll see~ what we can do! If it's 'patrol this one street a lot' I'm gonna shove fluffles down her non-sleeved frilly shirt.

...Aw. Someone steps into the capitol past us…!

S'a short lookin' girl, with long black hair, and a beige-orange lookin' suit. She's got a relatively short black skirt, but not _stoopid_ short. Regular shoes!

...On her way in, she steals a glance at us wit' 'er _red eyes_. Hello, friend.

...Her gaze hangs on me!

"Hello, friend!" I greet her!

Turning around, she continues towards the desk, until she realizes there's no immediate way up to the higher levels, so she starts lookin' around…

Oh, there's someone back at the main door waitin' for her, too. It's a~... person in one of those masks Matt was wearin'. I know they're not Matt though 'cause they got _boobs_ and are taller, and that faded green hair's not really his style…! Also, business suit, as this is the capitol and all.

...As the loli doubles back to find a way up, Reimu floats down with the list.

"Here." Reimu holds it out to us! "This is basically where I think you guys'll do best. Try to not screw it up too hard."

Aw! It's… it's in Japanese.

"...Give it to one of your friends." Reimu instructs me. Freakin'-

Genkan takes it from me. "Here." Aaa~h!

...After looking at it for a moment, she states what it's about! "These are a list of bars… it seems."

"Did that title that says 'list of weird bars' give it away?" Reimu puts it bluntly…! "Then again, it's Marisa's handwriting, so I guess you might get a little lost."

"I see…" Nodding at it, Genkan lowers the list. "What do you want us to do there?"

"Look around, question the place." Reimu looks over at me. "You have that silly badge, right? Use that to look around, if anyone cares about it." Ho ho! "If you see anything weird- like, crime, people trafficking, youkai tricking or killing people, _people_ tricking or killing people, so forth, I'm giving you permission to stop it _non-lethally_. Unless your life's in danger, of course."

"Very well." Genkan acknowledges this! "...I must say, you're more hospitable than you're made out to be."

...Reimu blinks, gripping her gohei. "What was that?"

"You have a nice bow." Genkan changes her sentence completely…!

...Reimu turns to me. "That's not what she said."

"She said, 'you have a nice glow'." I correct 'er!

"She said you were _nice_." Maria abbreviates it in simpler terms…! "Basically."

...Reimu nods at Maria. "I trust _you_." Looking over at Genkan, she gives her a nod, too. "...Explain yourself better next time."

Genkan sighed. "Apologies."

...Turning around, Reimu began floating up towards the chief-

 _Thud_. That red-eyed loli from before plopped a gold bar onto the counter, having stolen Reimu's spot…! Next to her's that suited masked not-Matt person!

"Oh- aah, yes, hrr~m…" Nodding at this, the chief slid his hand onto the bar. "... _What_ position was it that you wanted, now?"

"Ahem..." She seemed to find her voice! "...I believe you have a position for… Chief Financial Officer?"

"Ah, eheh, well, yes- yes, that, yes we might- we might be able to work something out…" Patting on the bar with his eyebrows raised, the chief turns to her! "We've recently had a vacancy in guard captain, so I don't think our… current chief of finances will be opposed to being relocated, not at all. He's very understanding, you know?"

Reimu reaches them, looking around… "When'd this happen?"

"Oo~h, this is my friend!" The chief waves towards the loli. "She's a- she's a prime investor at the village, you see! Yes, we were just going over some deals we've had in the… in the running for a bit now, yes."

...Reimu looked at the loli closely. "Your eyes are red."

"She's a fashion modeler, you know." The chief smiles at the loli. "Like, a~... Margatroid, was it? Moonlight?"

...Reimu's just kinda staring at him!

...Leaning up onto the desk, the black-haired loli reached for Reimu-

"What, no." Reimu stopped the girl's hand before it reached her chest. "No seriously, _when_ did this happen? I was gone for two seconds, and-..." Upon seeing the gold bar, Reimu jerked her head back and just went quiet…!

"I am simply here to complete a transaction." The loli spoke…!

...Looking between them, Reimu sighed. "Fine. If I see or hear something weird, I'm gonna start asking questions."

Looking between ourselves, I look at the door past my party! "So, yo…"

"May as well get started." Genkan made for the door.

"Alright…!" Holding up her staff, Maria seems ready for action!

It is time to investigate… establishments! Maybe do some interesting _stuff_ along the way, too!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The sun is high in the sky, and it's _nice_.

We're in the middle of the village, half-considering our directions… and half-looking at this job board in the meantime!

"...Hrr~m." Maria traced her finger across multiple of them, not really finding one to her liking. "It's hard…"

"I can see why." Genkan's expression was dry. "Defeat the giant metal polygonal scuttle girl. Hunting knife only. Fifty thousand yen, and some stones."

...I look over at them. "What's a scuttle girl, dude…?"

"A girl that scuttles." Genkan supplies. Oh.

You know, these jobs always want you to defeat some fucking reality-breaking freak of nature, but you never run into them normally unless you take the job posting. What's up with that…!?

"Help me find my son." Maria reads off a job! "...He likes walnuts. Sounds like walmart." What…? Walmart? "Spange…? No…?" Oof…!

"...I'm not sure what to think of that one." Genkan shakes her head at the job. "It has the writing of a schizophrenic."

...Maria reads another one! "The 'master race' Frankenstein radio controls brain thoughts broadcasting radio. Eyesight… television? Wha- what is this?"

"That's not even a job, that's… I don't _know_." Genkan leans forward towards the board! "Half of these aren't even jobs, they're people trying to be witty, or splaying their insanity onto paper."

"...Kill Reimu Hakurei." Maria frowns at this one. "...They say 'please' in the description. That's mean..."

Taking that job, Genkan balls it up. "Let's save someone the trouble."

There're apparently some mundane jobs, like 'find my cat' or 'take out the trash'. If you can walk all this way to put that up on the board, why don't you just do it yourself…!? The trash thing, that is!

"Aah…" Maria places her finger on another one! "We're being hunted by yuki-onna, please help."

Genkan snorts! "What…? Hunted?"

"...Somewhere in the village, apparently." Maria reads off of it. "They're coming to their house?"

"I haven't sensed any of my sisters in this village…" Genkan furrows her brows. "We don't 'hunt' either. Not that I'm aware of, anyway, and especially not in packs. The only hunting I've seen sisters of mine do is in blizzards or cold that would already take lives."

...Taking the job off the board, Maria held onto it. "We'll look at this later, then. It's a thirty thousand yen reward, so…"

Ho ho. And, all things considered, we're optimized for ice-related endeavors! I heal from ice damage now, son!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We arrive at our first stop! There's explosions in the distance, for some reason, but we're just gonna ignore those for now…!

It's a rather quaint establishment far off on the edge of the village, with dim almost Christmas-y lights attached to the exterior. We've also got places like Golden Grin and Small Packages on our to-do list, but u~h… we'll save the former for later, and the latter for never, probably!

"This place looks pretty… old." Maria remarks of the bar before us.

"This village looks pretty old." Genkan countered. "...It's not out of place to call this building _especially_ old, however."

"We should undo the foundation, dude." Sink it into the earth!

...The girls just give me a dry glance, before moving towards the place…!

...Actually, wait. "What's this place called again?" I kinda missed that!

"...The Brisk Barrel." Maria rattles off from the list Reimu gave her. "It specializes in ale. It's probably on the list because youkai tend to frequent establishments on the very edges of the village…"

Well, if it's just a dude servin' to youkai, this place might not be that criminal or explosion-worthy.

Maria pushes the door open-

"Eee~!" -before immediately leaping away from it!

 _Thud!_ A guy flies out from inside, sliding out on his back!

"A~nd don't show your _cock-sucking_ face around here _again!_ " In the doorway's a guy with wild, shoulder-length blond hair!

"Fuh- fuhck you, man…!" The ragged guy in plain dress clothes begins to get back up…! "I- I'll fu- fuck you- and I'll fuck… I- I'll fuck your-"

 _Bam!_ Whirling forward, the guy jabbed 'em in the jaw!

 _Thud!_ "Ooa~h…" Landing hard on his back, the plain-haired and likely drunk guy exhaled in defeat…!

"Hahaha~!" Laughing giddily, the wild guy looks around! "Who's _next!?_ "

...We're all just kinda starin' at him!

…

Noticing we're not other burly drunk dudes, he just kinda grunts and turns back into the bar, ignoring us.

Well, then! These seem like a lot of fine, civilized fellows!

"We- well…" Composing herself, Maria blinks a few times! "Guess it's on the list for a reason…"

"Here I thought we were going to be antagonizing innocent establishments for no reason." Genkan makes for the door first, this time! "We should probably stay close to one another."

Aw. "Yeah, yo."

Followin' behind Genkan, we move inside with her as she pushes open the double door saloon things!

Inside, the bar is dim, lit by candles…

The outer windows- which were hard to see into-... were also hard to see out of! Really freakin' dim, for some reason.

In here are a variety of faces!

That wild-haired guy is taking his seat at the front again, giving us a flat stare as he does so.

...There's a few wolf people in here, and some neon-haired ladies at booths on the far ends of the room.

At the front 'a the room, the bartender's a guy with a scar across his face, and a rea~l _smug_ expression, with slick black hair. And-... does he have a _hook hand?_ Dude, yo ho ho in the yo ho! Pirates, ho~! He doesn't have a beard, though...

Also at the front counter is somebody just totally clad in a freakin' trench coat, his hat beginning where his collar ends. What the frik.

...Also, everyone's got their eyes on us!

"Oh, geez…" Maria's shy, dude. "Ar- are new people this rare, here…?"

"Probably." Idly Genkan continued to the front counter…

...Once we reached there, the good news is we were fortunately able to get three seats! The bad news is that it has to be between _mister trenchcoat_ and that _wild child_ dude.

...I trust the walking trench coat to not holler at anyone, so I shall sit next to the energetic guy! Also because the trench coat didn't so much as turn to us when we entered, so maybe they went to sleep or something. Who wouldn't pass out in a shady bar on the cusp of civilization, yo?

We've got Maria in the middle, with Genkan between her and _the coat_ , and me just on the right.

...Stepping up, the guy with the big hook hand puts his arms on the counter. "What'll it be?"

"Water." Genkan requests liquid ice.

"Um… water." Maria's fine with that, too.

" _Pure_ alcohol." Wahaha! "No beverage, just a cup of distilled alcohol…!"

...He nods. "Water for all three of you, then." Oof…!

Stepping up to the back door, he tilts it open with his good hand and calls out to someone. "He~y. Three cups from the well."

...He swings the door almost shut, leaving it open a crack.

...Looking to my right, I see the wild guy's just staring into my soul!

"You're a new face." He remarks on my face! "...Not from around here, are you?"

"I'm from around 'there'." I grin at 'em…!

"...Right." Nodding at me, he looks back at his drink. "Who's them?" Leaning past me, he points at my fluffy friends.

"Me." I ensure him.

...At that, he shrugs! "Nice."

...Hoh. I was half-expecting more attention to them, but he seems to just be drinking, now.

…

The trench coat thing tilts to look at Genkan. "He- hu- hu- _hier- hier!_ " ...That's not a living being, dude…!

On closer inspection, it doesn't have legs. For an eye, peering outta the one triangle of black revealed between the collar and the hat, is just… a dot 'a light.

...Genkan blinked at it. "Hello?"

"Hrhi- _clink- clink_." ...Sure? Yes no maybe so…!?

"I can't understand you." Genkan confesses. "I'm sorry."

"Hr- her- her…" It looks ahead again and tilts forward slightly, as if disappointed. Well, rip friend.

...Instead of a drink, there's some kind of canister on the table before it.

"You're not here to drink." Wild guy states the obvious, makin' me turn to him…! "Why're you here?" Hoh…!

"We're fluffy." Yeah, I got nothin'. "Is no reason a good reason…?"

...Blinking at that, he turns away. "Guess so."

Ho ho.

...Maria looks over at me and speaks quietly. "Um… how're we doing this?"

I tilt my head at her. "Drinking water?"

She snorts. "No, questioning, I mean…"

Yeah, that's a good question. We could be freakin' noobs and yell at the bartender outright, or we could try to get information outta mister testosterone next ta me.

"Good question…!" I grin at 'er! "We'll see, yo. Stumble and mumble."

Alright, yo. It's time to stumble, and it's time to-

Lookin' back at the wild guy, I see him giving me a flat stare. "You here for _me?_ "

...I shake my head. "Probably not."

"Whose name?" He leans forward a little…!

"A u~h…" I scratch my nose, dude. "Tookaneekee, Sanders. Tookaneekee Sanders." Perfect, yo.

...The guy just blinks. "Never heard of him. What'd he do?"

"He killed me." I give him a compromising smile.

…

"Sure." Indifferent again, the guy returns to his drink! Bomb defused for the uhmpteenth time…!

The barkeep comes out from around the back with our glasses, having briefly ducked out to get 'em. "He~re you go. Three hundred yen."

I splay the money out on the table! "Ye."

"Thank you." Accepting the cash, he nods.

...So we start sippin' our water. Aw…

Despite that showing from earlier, the place is pretty tame at the moment. There's a few rowdy jeers from some tables in the front, but otherwise the place is just a low murmur of chatter.

...As I swallow the water-

Wild dude taps on my shoulder. Freakin'...

I turn to him, slightly incredulous.

"They your girlfriends, or something?" He points past me…!

Freakin'... " _Sure_." Son. Why can't ya just drink yer drink…!?

"How many you got?" He allows himself a small grin. "Or s'it just them?" What were we talking about, again?

...I hold my arms out slightly! "Whaddaya mean, 'how many'? Son- how many do _you_ have…!?"

"Three." Nodding, he leans back a little. "Well, there's six girls, but only three, you know, _involved_ ones." No, I don't know…!

"...Cool. Cool and good." I nod at him dully. These're some strange parts, dude…!

...I should drink my water before it dies-

"So how're they?" Son, do you ever shut up.

" _Pleasant_ , son." Pleasant avenue!

"...Fuckin'- details, come on." He taps a hand on the counter! "I wanna know."

"Spicy with a hint of lemon…!" What kind of _answer_ do ya _expect_ from me!? "S'that answer ya…!?"

"Are you _stupid?_ " He stares at me dryly! "How does it feel to have _sex_ with them." So~n!

I let my arms ragdoll. "...It feels like having sex." Wahaha!

He chuckles! "Yo~u motherfucker. Alright, fine, I see how it is…" Noddin' with his eyebrows raised, he looks away from me, looking back at the wall behind the bartender. "I'll leave ya alone, no sweat." Yeah, sure. Freakin'...!

...Now to wait for him to do something _stupid_.

I look back at the friends…

Maria's just kinda got her eyebrows raised! Genkan's totally indifferent, drinking her water and surveying the place with her gaze…

"...You look restless." The bartender speaks to Genkan! "Why's that?"

"Hmm. I'm always restless." Genkan gives a non-answer. "...How long's this establishment been here?"

"A few years." The bartender answers promptly. "Original owner couldn't keep up with the youkai scene, so he sold it off, and it changed hands a few times. I thought it'd make a good place under the right hands."

"...I see." Accepting this answer, Genkan held up her glass and swirled it about…

...I hear wild dude get up next to me, and step away from his stool.

...Turning my head, I watch 'em move behind me, so I whip around to see him walk up behind my party members…

Crouching down, he moves to cast his arms over both their shoulders-

 _Fwa~sh!_ His left arm freezes solid on contact with Genkan's.

"Ah- shh~..." He hisses at the sensation!

...Genkan turns to frown at him.

He grins back. "Talk about a~... _cold shoulder_."

...She reaches forward-

"Wh- ah!" He falls backward-

 _Thud!_ -and lands on his ass. "...Ow. Geesh…"

"What'cha doin' son." He's cruisin' fer a bruisin's what he is…!

Raising his brows, he holds up his frozen arm to gesture to them again. "...I mean, if you aren't gonna give me details man, I was just-"

"I'm gonna _smash you_ , son…!" That's enough layin' low! I'm gonna shove fluffles down his shirt, son!

 _Cra~ck!_ Smashing his frozen arm on the floor, he frees it! "Oh, yeah!? What's your _fuckin'_ deal-"

"Eiji~." The barkeeper called out! "Take it _outside_ this time. You nearly broke the counter, _again._ You're paying double the next time you do."

"Yeah, fuck, whatever." Getting up, the guy gestures for me to follow him! "Come on, bitch."

Let's see, best non-lethal combo~. I'm betting on Deep Blue and Hard Winter. Mostly 'cause geysers are fun defense tools, and they can stagger and shit…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We're outside, now! It's still nice and sunny…

There's like one or two people from inside the bar watching us. Maria and Genkan came outside to observe, too…!

"So!" He's a good building's width away from me, so at least I don't have to worry too much about a bumrush. "How you wanna do this!?" He's yellin' over at me, yo…

"Very carefully…!" I call back! Since he's just kinda a generic dude, I'm not really expectin' much from him.

"Fucking…" He shakes his head! "Alright, we'll fight until one of us can't get up. You look like a pussy, so I'll say it now: none of that danmaku crap. Anything else is fair. If you got a gun, go ahead 'n' use it." Oh, okay. Yeah, dude.

...Drawing both my plant hangers, I grin at 'em! "I~ am ready!" Gonna clobber your face off, yo! Just lemme channel some mana…

...He just kinda gives me a _sideways stare_. "I-... sure." Shaking his head, he starts to walk towards me leisurely. "What the fuck're those…? What, you gonna... poke me with 'em?"

...Kneeling down, I jab Deep Blue into the ground.

 _Fwuu~sh!_ A small geyser erupts under him!

"Ha- aah…!?" He's flung into the air a ways! As he floats forward, he flips-

I jab Hard Winter into the floor and channel…!

"Hoo~h!" He lands on his legs before the geyser. "The _fuck-_ "

 _Kring!_ A tubby ice spike erupts beneath him!

"Aah- shit…!" His balance displaced- "Agh!" -he just awkwardly falls onto it and rolls off. "Mo- agh- fucker…!"

As he rolls to the side and very swiftly freakin' begins to get back up, I channel mana into Hard Winter once more-

" _Ice Sha~rd!_ " The magic with the cold and the shards and yeah!

 _Ka-_ fwi- fwi- fwish. The base shard generating in his form as he stood and reeled his arms back, it created a buncha more shards in the air around him!

 _Fwa~sh!_ He's chilled and somewhat icy, now. "Fu- fucking _magic_ _pussy!_ " Aw, dude. You said anything was allowed, so…!

Reeling his arms back-

 _Woosh!_ He accelerates towards me after swinging them, although not really at impressive speed, likely 'cause of the chilling…

I kinda run backwards as he continues towards me, channeling more mana into the hanger as he approaches. Self-buff time…!

Didn't expect him to deal with the ice and the water _that_ easily. Like- he just _exited_ the geyser and is still freakin' eager...

Once the attack's momentum stops carrying him, he just sprints towards me normally-

 _Thunk!_ I swing Hard Winter and hit 'em in the face 'cause he just _ran at me_ -

Woah! He ripped Deep Blue from my hands with a swipe…! " _Fucking!_ "

 _Woosh!_ I ducked under the hanger as he threw it back. " _Fight me!_ "

 _Thunk!_ Jabbed the hammer hanger into his stomach, I did!

"Ghh!" He cringes back-

 _Woo- woosh!_ -before swiping at me a few more times, just shy of reaching my face with his claw-like nails. Jesus…! That blow didn't faze 'em or what!?

Oh, shit- he grabs Hard Winter-

A~nd, by tugging on it, he sent me sliding away! Aah- and I almost fall over, but somehow didn't…

... _Thunk!_ Hard Winter bounces on the ground past me, just kinda cast aside.

Grinning at me, he cracks his knuckles. "You're _fucked_."

...Reaching into my bag, I take out Youkai Inconveniencer! "On the contrary! I've got... _anotha'_ weapon!"

...He just kinda _blinks_.

Oo~h, the mana cost. "Shine!" I whip the flail hanger at the floor-

 _Fwoo~sh_. The orb of light generates in his form an' expands-

" _Aa~gh!_ " Doubling back from it as it engulfs him, he bares his _rather sharp_ teeth. Then, he begins runnin' at me again…! How much health's this bastard got!?

Cha~rge the hanger… and look away-

 _Fwa~sh!_ Prepare for the _real_ shine, too…! As in, bright flash and now no one can see.

"Hahaha!" He guffaws as I kinda run outta the way of him now that he's blind… "Didn't _hurt!_ "

 _Woosh!_ He _pummeled_ the approximate area I _used_ to be, yo.

"Shine!" I'm getting tired…

 _Fwoo~sh_. The holy orb generates in him again-

"Mo- mother _fucker_ …!" Fortunately, he sounds a bit off too…

As he looks around, still getting his bearings, I freakin' like… do a retarded but quiet _gait_ up to him-

 _Thunk!_ -and whip the holy weapon into his face! Hoho!

" _Grgh!_ " Clutching his face with a hand, he stumbles to the side. "Fucking-"

 _Thunk!_ Never stop whipping, son! I'm a generic beast man beater, dude…!

" _Ngh!_ " This time, he lashes his arm out-

 _Wham!_ Woa~h! It glances my shoulder and sends me freakin' _rolling_ -

 _Bam!_ _Ouch!_

Boot on my back…! "Hahaha!" A~nd he's pressing me down. Freakin'... "What did you fucking _think_ would happen!?"

...Shit. Channeling mana into the holy hanger again, I wiggle about a bit. "I- I dunno, I-"

"Who the hell even are those girls!?" He yells about my party members…! "Sure as hell aren't _your_ sluts!"

 _Fwoo~sh_. A third Shine cast goes off, engulfing the big dude again…! Freakin'- go down, damn you! Why won't you collapse, son!?

" _Fu~ck!_ " He roars-

-and I scramble out from under him. "Wahoho…!" I have an idea…! Time to just throw shit at him and hope it works!

Reaching into my bag as-

 _Thunk!_ -he stomps the ground _near_ where I was, I draw Fragile Flower. "Have a weapon, make it even!" Girly toss…!

Taken aback for a moment, he catches my girly toss. "Fucking- _sure_."

As I stand up fully-

He accelerates towards me with newfound speed! "Hrr-" Holy shit-

 _Thu- thunk!_ Grabbing my weapon properly, I bring the holy hanger into his gut as he brings Fragile Flower into mine…! Ooo~...

...A- and we both kinda stumble back, that didn't really get us anywhere…

"Wha- what the fuck…" Dropping Fragile Flower, he holds his stomach. "Yo- you been holdin' out on me…?"

"Ye- yeah…" Definitely~. Reaching into my bag, I took out my _secre~t_ weapon…!

...Turning to me, he looks down at Fragile Flower, debating whether or not he still wants to use it. "...Fucking- _when_ are you going to fight me like an _actual_ goddamn-"

I chuck my bomb hanger at his legs.

Grinning, he kneels down to clamp it with his arms-

 _Boom!_

...Thud. After going flying some ways, he slides back on the dirt road, mouth agape. "A-... ah."

…

…

Well. Did I… did I do it, yo…!? Yo ho ho! Bet he didn't see that _shit_ coming…!

...Turning back to the front of the bar, I limp towards it. Mana prizes are splayed out all over the ground, not that they freakin' helped me in any way. Just, _prizes_. Aw, maybe I should collect some...

"Really…" Genkan's giving me a dry stare…! "You didn't really have to start a fight, you know."

Aha~h… "Well, yo. He was gettin' on my nerves…!" That, and he wanted to put someone's body on the wall one way or another. I kinda wanted to test my skills…! Something to that effect…

"...He _was_ pretty uppity." With that, Genkan turned back inside. "I guess we could call that peace keeping, or something."

Maria turned back inside, too. "Yeah. I can't imagine many normal villagers could've done that…"

…

You know, that was marginally less gratifying than I anticipated. Oh, well. I managed to beat a dude who was pretty clearly above human level, so I'm proud of that!

...I gotta go pick up my shit!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Now I'm all freakin'... _hurt_.

...The barkeeper gives me a _smug grin_. "...If you're still looking for another fight, you should stick around. Eiji got his ass handed to him the other day by the…" He clears his throat! "'Serial sake stealer', as everyone's claiming."

Yeah, that's nice dude, I'm in pain here…!

Wait, I'm also stupid.

...Lookin' over at Maria as she gives me a worried stare, I make a request! "Cast, ah- Blizzard on me, yo."

...She blinks for a moment, before connecting the dots herself! "Oh, right…!"

...Standing up and moving back a little ways, she swings her staff. "Freeze…!"

 _Fwa~sh!_ A small shotgun spread of translucent ice particles splash into my form-

Oo~h. _Oo~h._ So Genkan feels this times _four_ …

" _Freeze!_ " Maria- are you serious-

 _Fwa~sh!_ Another splash of ice hits me…!

"S'good, yo…!" I hold out a hand to stop her…!

While it feels good and all and I do feel better now, it's not quite strong enough for me to feel aroused by getting blasted by ice. Which is good, because freakin'... I don't want a boner every time a particularly cold breeze says hello!

...The barkeep's just kinda staring at us. "You all ice youkai, or what?"

"You could say that…" Maria sits back down at her bar stool. "We're, um, actually here to investigate... illegal activity."

"Oh." The guy waved his hand. "Search the place if ya wanna. Try and take anything and I'll kick your ass." Oh, well, I guess we could've been more direct about it this whole time, huh…

...I just kinda blink. "So ya _ain't_ doing anything illegal?"

"I have a plan to travel to the peaks of Youkai Mountain in hopes of activating the Moriya superweapon and becoming the most powerful person on the planet." ...Oh. Okay…!? "I don't really think that counts." Ah…

...Genkan turns to us. "That's not technically illegal."

"You told us this _why_ …?" S'kinda weird, du~de…!

"...I just kind of like telling people." He looks to the side. Freakin'- okay, son… I don't even think a 'Moriya superweapon' exists, so have fun with that…

...Lookin' around, I scan the bar denizens again.

Oh, almost everyone's staring at us. What'd we do, yo…

"They're staring at you because you beat up Eiji." Hook hand keeper explains! "He's kind of the peacekeeper around here." Are you serious…!?

"...Huh." Genkan looks like she doubts that. "Was beating him up a bad thing, then?"

"Oh?" The barkeeper jerked his head back. "Na~h. Guy needs a wakeup call once in awhile. Wins too many fights, and he'll start getting lazy." This guy sounds like he doesn't care about anything at all…!

…

I look down at my water.

Getting up, Genkan moves for the bar counter. "Let's search the premises." Oh, we're going through with it? We probably _should_ …

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...Back here is some drink stuffs, a mixing table, some kitchen things and some short girl with bobby black hair.

"Oh, hey…" She waves at us casually as we come in. "Who're you three?"

Stepping forward, I gesture to myself! "I'm Sora!" I gesture to Maria! "That's Donald!" A~nd now for Genkan! "And that's Goofy!"

...Genkan whaps me on the back of the head with her fan. " _You're_ goofy." Aa~h…!

…

I move for the door on the other end of the room, because this doesn't look like illegal activity.

Crrea~k. The dark door creaks open…! Outside is…!

Outside. Just, alleys and stuff.

"That's the back door." The girl goes back to… mixing drinks, I think. "You guys here to search or something?"

"Yeah…" Maria nods, stepping up to her. "Say, um…"

"Hmm?" The girl turns to her. "What's up?"

"You're Yumi-chan, aren't you?" Maria recognizes her! "From the school…"

...Blinking a few times, Yumi smiles at her. "Oo~h! And… I don't remember who you are, but hey!"

"Ahaha…" Shifting awkwardly, Maria grins. "Maria."

"...Oo~h, no wonder…" The girl nods. "You were always so quiet. I remember seeing you, but we didn't talk much…"

"Yeah…" Nodding comfortably, Maria distances herself from her a little. "It's nice seeing you again."

"Yeah, you too." Yumi goes back to mixing her drinks… "Oh, by the way, how's your mother? Is she still making those butterscotch cookies at the bakery…?"

Maria has gained a very jaded expression…! "Oh. She's _fine_. No."

"Oh…" Yumi blinked at that, before turning to her. "What happened?"

"She's dead." Maria put it bluntly.

…

"O- oh." Yumi held a hand to her mouth. "Oh. Um… sor-"

"It's okay." Maria looked away from her.

Well, this went pear-shaped fast…!

...Turning around, Maria made for the door out. I just realized this bar only has _two rooms_.

"Um, bye…!" Yumi calls out for her kinda awkwardly!

Exhaling, Genkan moves to follow Maria.

…

"So uh…" I'll follow them out soon, but first… "What's the story behind pirate guy?"

"Oh, Suna?" Putting down the drinks she was somehow mixing with uncanny precision, she turned to me. "He's kind of here to just be intimidating. He's pretty powerful. I hired him to do the bartending and he's kind of become a staple, here." Oh…

"What's this about a Moriya superweapon…!?" I'm not sure what he was on about there, yo…!

Stepping up to me, she whispered to me. "I made it up." Oh. O~h…! Four dimensional chess, son! "He thinks I'm the leader of a crime syndicate…"

"Who knows, yo, who knows." I'm reminded of that loli who just dropped a gold bar on the chief's freakin' lap. For all I know, you really are the leader of a crime syndicate…!

Well then!

I wave at Yumi-friend! "Bye, yo…! I'mma go… _go_." Yeah, I don't know how to end this encounter…! Except, perhaps with a-

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 76

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Robot Demolisher, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Factory Disassembler, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Village Revolutionary, Has Forgotten What Half of These Titles Stood For, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Hard Winter - A earth/ice-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice! Allows the user to cast Ice Shard. Extends combo length by one artificially. Allows the user to jump out out of combos smoothly, and leave frost in their trail.

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I would like to know where it actually puts all my stuff though…

==o==

WEAPONS:

Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! It better, with a name like 'Swordbreaker'. Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! May cast Flash, an attack that blinds; works best on darkness elementals and youkai. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can cast Gust. By the addition of a steel block, its attack and magic attack increased slightly. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites stuff on impact. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle, allowing the user to cast Flamethrower Plus! Allows the user to cast Fume.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Can produce limitless fresh water. Boosts the power of water skills. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style; physical attack increased, physical defense lowered. User bleeds out faster. Can cast Revenge, an attack that increases in power the lower the user's health is. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to let it cut!

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Lowers defense slightly. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger is slightly electric and holy elemental. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy…

==o==

ARMOR:

Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means business, son. One hundred _fifty_ percent ice resistance: fifty percent of the damage goes into my health pool instead! Dunno 'bout icicles and stuff, though. Fifty percent freeze resistance… not that freezing will hurt with this thing on. Fifty percent dark resistance. Negative fifty percent fire and burning resistance. Hopefully hides you a bit when navigating in the freakin' brush...

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Seventy-five percent time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!

Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! Fifty percent sun resistance, one hundred percent freezing and blinding resistance. Also gives immunity to electrical stunning. It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.

Lunarian Prototype Space Suit - A suit meant for combat in deep space. So far, it's only got the whole 'exist in deep space' part down…! One hundred percent electric resistant. One hundred percent freezing resistant. Has an oxygen tank, but that's only useful if you wear the helmet to go along with it. Randomly casts Zero Gravity when it feels like it.

Lunarian Prototype Deep Space Helmet - It's a freakin' helmet. Fifty percent blinding resistant! When worn with the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit, it also confers immunity to burning and poison, along with another one hundred percent electricity resistance. Yo…!

Testing Oxygen Tank - The oxygen tank used by the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit. Lasts for two and a half minutes! Not meant to actually be used outside of testing, but it's possible. Refills automatically in breathable air.

MP Prize Pin - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field. For awhile only the user(s) of this badge may pick them up, but after a grace period anyone can. Extends prize grabbing range!

Sun Badge - Fifteen percent sun resistance when equipped. Fifty percent resistance to blinding and electrical stunning. Replaces the on-impact effect of all weapons with Sunfire Flare when worn.

==o==

CONSUMABLES/OTHER:

Twenty seven thousand, nine hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!

Four Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Mega Potion - Youkai-like regen for thirty seconds… except for the whole family! Applies to entire party. Good for when we all suck at life!

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Three Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on debuffs, though...

Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Hina's Bad Luck Talisman - I remembe~r! Upgrades a weapon to debuff luck on strike and stuff!

Rope of Red Bikinis - Wahaha! Gonna getcha, son!

Sacred Eagle Feather - A gift from a rambler. It's… sentimental, I think? Help.

Some Fancy Key - A key lent to me by Brittany. Wha- why. What's it for…!?

Youkai Exterminator Badge - I still have this, dude! Yo ho ho! Allows me to not be considered a youkai by most guardsmen!

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I really have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

==o==

Genkan, the Yuki-onna - A bitter yuki-onna from Gensokyo's wildlands, mostly active in the winter, and on particularly cold days. Heals from ice damage. Commands powerful control over frost, and has a wide variety of ice-affinity attacks. Weak to fire and burning.

SKILLS:

Ice Control - Freely use ice to make stuff. Inherent one hundred percent ice resistance.

Freeze - Instantly freezes one to two enemies. Low chance of working on stronger foes.

Creaking Freeze - Generates a spinning, magic snowflake in an enemy's body, which instantly freezes them after a moment. High accuracy.

Glacier - Erects a massive blade of ice from the ground, dealing incredible physical ice damage.

Triple Glacier - See above, but on three enemies! As such, costs triple the mana!

Ice Spin - Spins and lashes out with chilling frost. Probably just an extension of her normal frost powers and not an actual skill…

Ice Shard - Advanced ice magic. Generates a chunk in an enemy's body which proceeds to freeze the air around it. Power depends on the user.

Snow - Make it snow locally. Very minor ambient ice damage to everyone on the battlefield, including allies. Has a low chance to instantly freeze someone for no reason.

Yuki-onna's Embrace - Hug. Binds target close to her. Makes the target tired, severely lowers accuracy and magical defense, and makes them comfortable. Skill may only be performed by yuki-onna. Negative facets reduced by ice and freezing resist. Someone with over a hundred resistance will be buffed and healed by it…!

Yuki-onna's Entombment - Final, optional stage of the hug…! Guaranteed instant death inflicted by the draining of vitality. Heals the user for the heat taken from the target. Does not work well on bosses or the instant death resistant. Instant death proc is nullified if the target's ice or freezing resistance is over fifty percent. Skill may only be performed by yuki-onna.

Other Skills - Probably has more spells, but freakin'... I dunno her like a textbook!

INVENTORY:

Absolute Zero Kimono - A better version of the stock yuki-onna kimono. Two hundred ice resistance, although since one hundred of that is inherently from Genkan, she only gains an additional one hundred percent. Gives her two hundred total, though! One hundred percent fire and burning weakness.

Two thousand yen - Her remaining total after spending money on our upgrades.

I dunno - What would I~ have if I was a sexy ice woman?

[unknown spaces remaining]

==o==

Maria, the Actually Ordinary Magician - A villager from the human village. Used to run the most impoverished bar ever, but that fell under or something. Really low self-esteem! Resistances and weaknesses depend on equipment. Can cast basic elemental spells!

INVENTORY:

Pine Frost Staff - Also good for bonking things! Twenty five percent ice resistance, one hundred percent freezing resistance, allows the user to cast Blizzara and Ice Shard, and boosts the power of ice skills. Negative fifty percent burning resistance. Made with pine wood and an icy reagent.

Wood Staff - Good for bonking things!

Casual Freeze Clothes - Casual, neon villager garb. Bright yellow shirt with a blue snowflake stitched onto the front, a bright blue skirt, and a tan vest. Looks about as garish as your regular Touhou, now! Fifty percent ice resistant. Wearer is immune to freezing.

[Travel Bag] - Inventory that exists! Does not take up inventory because it is inventory. Eight slots.

Two Mana Potions - Guess wha~t? It heals, except mana!

Yuki-Onna Job - A job posting from the village, to stop some yuki-onna.

[four spaces remaining]

==o==

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

a fun chapter - w -

got _stuff_ upgrades from alice! ho ho ho yo… and also went over the freakin' insanity of the world outside gensokyo

visited reimu to help with her fluffy rebellion! 'cause reimu's cuddly and - w -

headed on down to the BRISK BARREL for a 4 page BAR BRAWL and to ask some questions to a discount pirate and his relatively more regular friend

it was pretty fluffy; this is the general quality of populace you can expect of the very hinges of the human village that're quite often ignored aside from _hopping the border_ \- w -

oh yeah a buncha interesting magical theory stuff from alice; that's always fun to delve into once in awhile

BAR BRAWL: no real point to it other than to PUT A BOY'S BODY ON THE WALL but it was pretty short by comparison to everything else and did work as an icebreaker to start questioning the tender so it wasn't totally pointless at least - w -

and after looking over the fight a bit ai feel like ai could've done it a bit better but adding some more strategic thought in to make my guy _react_ to what's happening helps - w -

didn't really get to talk with the misc folk around the bar but we didn't really have a reason to, other than _eiji there_

as always, see you all next time!


	97. The Man with a Gold Bar for a Head

(MAHAHAHATT THAHAHAHAHAHA)

...It's morning on planet Earth.

Hrr~m. I need an assortment of pillows to line this garbage sleeping bag. Whatever.

Standing up, I find my balance…

Alright. Seems no one has professionally assassinated me in my sleep.

...Moving forward, I swing the door to Mako's new room open perhaps a margin less gracefully than I could have, but it's too early to care.

...He, she, I forgot, is still asleep on the naughty couch. She it was, I'm pretty sure. It could go either way.

Whatever, I'll figure it out later. Looking back at the loli room-

...Shikome's sitting before that Fisher Price fridge. For some reason, the floor around it is charred, and it's awkwardly squished inward, half-embedded in the floor. What happened.

Vanilla's splayed out on the floor next to her, with Rumia hugging her legs. "Mmnh…"

...Everything seems to be in order, then. Considering what they did to that fridge, maybe I should peek inside and look around…

Stepping up to the door, I look to the right. Some… more burn marks in places, and scratches, but otherwise fine. Okay.

To the left-

The succubus corpse is no longer recognizable. A mass of grey, root-like tendrils are wrapped around its remains, digging into the floor, surrounding walling, and such. Some shoots of grey wood are sprouting from it, too.

...I still would like to know what happened to that fridge. Pretty sure that indent in the floor is never getting fixed.

While I'm here, I should probably wake up Vanilla. Shikome never has to be woken up since I'm pretty certain she just never sleeps. At least, never has a _need_ to sleep.

...Stepping through the room, I crouch next to the Rumia-Vanilla cuddle pile.

...Reaching down, I pat Vanilla's head.

…

I look over at Shikome. "Help."

...Shikome looks down at the embedded fridge, before standing up and tugging on it.

…"Hnh." She tries again. It's apparently in there really good. "...Hnh-"

 _Crack!_ The wood loudly snaps as she flings her arms up-

 _Bam!_ The fridge flies up and through the ceiling.

…

Thu- thunk, thunk. I hear things patter against the roof.

"Nnh…" Slowly, Vanilla starts to rise. "Wh-... what?"

We're going to have to have Rumia tape a bucket to the roof or something. It seems to have worked as an alarm clock, at least.

"It is a working day, today." I inform her. It is _always_ a working day.

"Al- alright…" Sliding from Rumia's embrace, she rubs her eyes. "Le- let me get dressed…"

You still have your panties on, so you only have that cape to equip, which is currently sitting in the corner of the room. There's not a whole lot of dressing to do.

"Perhaps awaken Mako while you're at it." I suggest as I move for the exit. "It will be another big day, today."

"Oka~y." She seems nonchalant about this, enough.

/ / / / A DAY IN THE WHIRLING BLUE SKY / / / /

Sliding down the plywood rock climbing challenge, I strut into my bar proper as if I didn't just slide down a plywood rock climbing challenge…

There's a fairy asleep on the further left table, for some reason. This one has really swirly, done-up cyan hair, and a vibrant neon blue dress. She's also marginally taller than most overworld fairies.

The place is pretty dim. That's what having no windows does.

...Let's see, is all the beer still here?

...Yeah. All like, one third of our stock that oni left us with.

Anyway…

Vanilla stumbles down the plywood slope. "Aa- aah. Um, look out on the way down! It's a little dangerous…"

...Mako awkwardly stumbles down after her, using her staff as leverage to proceed.

Let's see what this fairy's up to.

Walking over to the table, I observe her snoring peacefully.

...Stepping back from the table, I awkwardly bring my leg up in an attempt to kick her-

 _Thunk_. I hit the side of the table. Alright, once more…

 _Pap!_ I hit her in the side.

"Ohn…" Wiggling a little, she shifts… "Hwa~h…"

...After her yawn, she rolls onto her side and looks at me, blinking.

"Hello." I greet her.

...Saying nothing, she continues to blink at me.

...Maybe I should punt her again-

"Do you feel the way that I do?" She begins to sit up, asking me a question.

"Probably not, no." I point at the door. "Maybe you should leave."

"...Do you feel the way that I do?" She poses her question again, indifferent.

Floating up onto her legs, she looks around aimlessly.

…

"Who're you?" Vanilla questions her, approaching me clad in her iconic work outfit: a cape and panties.

"The blue sky…" Looking up at the ceiling, the fairy begins crying, for some reason. "It- it's so pretty…"

Okay, she's mentally insane. We have to put her out of her misery.

Looking back down at Vanilla, she sniffs. "I'm free."

"Okay…" Vanilla just blinks at her idly.

Hurry, before it breeds!

Drawing my iron scissors, I consider how to approach this…

...Holding her hands to her mouth, the fairy looks up again. "Hehehe~... I- I'm so _happy_ …"

We're running out of time!

Climbing onto a chair, I get onto the table with her, and-

 _Shink!_ -awkwardly sink my blade into her neck. She doesn't react to me invading her personal space at all.

She freezes at the incision.

Shi- shink. Opening and closing the scissors, I begin to dig into her neck-

"Aa- aah…" Her eyes begin to flutter. "I'm… sinking. I-..."

 _Shu- shunk_. My scissors begin to make weirdly heavy noises for digging into flesh-

 _FWUUUUUSH_

/ / / / DO YOU FEEL THE WAY THAT I DO / / / /

We are all now soaked. The fairy instantly became a small outhouse's worth of water, and it pushed all the furniture around because it flooded the place. Fortunately, the water was only knee-high for a few moments.

After rearranging the tables, I stood behind the counter…

Vanilla wrung her cape out. "That was _weird_ …"

Mako didn't care about being soaked, just staring into space next to us with her hood over her face, weighed down by the water it took on.

...Oh, right. The 'closed' sign got flushed onto its back by the water. I should go fix-

 _Boom, boom!_ ...There are explosions, in the distance. Maybe. That could also be gunshots-

 _Vrrrrrrrr!_ I hear the distinct roar of a Master Spark in the distance. Hmm.

"What about _this_ place…?"

In through the door, comes one- two- _four_ people, pretty much immediately. Okay.

The first one is scantily clad, and rather stout and petite. She has black gloves and boots on with pink accents, and she's holding the strings to a heart-emblem accented collar around her neck.

She's got a not-skirt which… transitions into panties or something covering her inner region. She also has pointy ears as well as what looks like cat ears, for whatever reason, and a corset-bra combo keeping her huge breasts contained.

"There's no one here…" She looks around almost numbly, with a small smile and relaxed eyes.

"Oh, why, that's perfect. It would only figure, I suppose."

Immediately behind her was a tall woman, with a long red and white-frilled dress, with black ribbons and sleeves. She had long, silver hair, done up in a ponytail on her left with two red orbs.

Behind her-... there's a purple-haired loli with two skulls for hair clips to hold up her twin tails. "Aa~h. Must be a~ _rough day_ , as you said…" She's just got those silly bikinis that are literally only strings, like you see in hentai. Also, a skull-adorned choker. Good.

In their wake was a tall girl who simply had to be a vampire from the appearance she projected. She had short, bobby blonde hair, with some kind of flower design attached to a black hairbow. She had those ridiculously propped up collars some vampire tropes tend to have. In fact, her dress has a lot of autumn colors. For some reason, she's got _gold chains_ decorating the bottom of her short dress, before it reveals complex stockings that might actually be really long boots.

"...Well, if we're to dine in a _mud hut_ , it may as well be the muddiest hut of them all." The long-eared blonde vampire spoke very deliberately, giving me a narrow-pupiled scowl from across the room.

"The floor's we~t…" The skull-adorned practically naked loli looked down at her bare feet, holding a leg up.

"I~'m _wet_ …" The other busty loli chimed in.

Not sparing her party members a glance, the neutral-looking silver-haired woman progressed towards me…

Everyone has red eyes except for the boobie loli, who has pink eyes. Also, heart-shaped pupils. Let's not stare into those for too long. Let's not stare into anyone's eyes, today.

As the silver-haired woman reached the counter, she took the second seat from the left, of my five available seats. "Hello~. How are you, today?"

Hmm. "Fine, thank you." I'll stare at the bridge of her nose. That'll show her. "...You four want anything today?"

" _You._ " The big-chested loli stood up on the middle stool-

"Our bet _excluded_ the barkeeper." The short-haired vampire whipped her head over at her, sitting to her left- or my right. "I won't reward you unless you meet my conditions, Anithrasi."

Anithrasi- the small but large-chested one- huffed. "Oo~h." Leaning forward, she seemed to deliberately place her bust on the counter. "Miste~r. Are you the barkeepe~r?"

I give her a nod.

I hear a tapping on the bar to the left of the most casual demonic invader-

The nearly naked flat-chested loli waves at me. "I love you, miste~r."

 _Fwish_. Her eyes flash, but the woman in the long red dress springs to cover them before they can. Red magic visibly splashes out from behind her pale hand. "Now now, Arethiusei. Remember what I said about hypnosis magic."

"...Fine." Pouting, she puffs out her cheeks and folds her arms. "I know mister will love me too…"

...I look over at Vanilla, and just see her staring up at the vampire with raised brows.

...After a moment, the elder vampire sees her, and snorts. "Oo~h…? Oh, Lady Shinki, would you look at that? They apparently have naked vermin _here_ , too. Except this one has to be an infantile _vampire_ of all things…"

"Be ni~ce." Shinki waves at her casually. "You guys are a handful…"

...Leaning forward, the elder vampire grinned at Vanilla. "Am I in your territory? Fufufu~..."

...Vanilla just kinda presses back into the wall behind herself. "I- ah…"

'Lady Shinki' sighs. "Gabriela~."

Clack, clack, clack…

...Looking to the side, I see Shikome's voluntarily decided to come down and mingle. She's got Rumia under her right arm, too.

...Her presence attracts some stares, for a moment.

...The vampire looks ahead at me. "Barkeeper. Bloodied wine. And, if not, anything fine will do."

Cla- cla- clack. She deposits some round gold coins onto the counter. "This should pay for the beverages ten times over." Sure.

"Something _bi~g_." The loli to the left of 'Lady Shinki' requests. You shut up-

"Something that makes me feel floaty…" The big-boobed loli to the right of 'Lady Shinki' deliberately wiggles her chest. You can fuck off.

...I look at 'Lady Shinki'.

She waves her hand carelessly. "Aah. Anything's fine…"

...I turn to Vanilla. "Four _fine wines_."

"Aah- I… ri- right…" She seems to still be petrified by the elder vampire's gaze.

...Well then. It's Mako's time to shine. "Mako. Four _finest wines_."

"...Sure." Nodding, she romps past Vanilla… before looking up at me. "Which are those?"

"The grey bottles." I think. Whatever.

...Lowering her wet hood, Mako looked up at the drinks-

"Oo~h!" The lolis on the other end of the counter immediately cooed.

...Mako gave them a backward glance, before looking up at the drinks again.

Drumming her palms on the counter, the big-breasted one had her gaze fixed on her. "Wh- who is _he…!?_ " He?

The flat loli stood up onto her stool. And… okay. She left a _trail_ as she did so. "He… he looks like he'll make us _fizzle_ … _!_ "

"I _like_ to fizzle…!" Big Breasts McGee leans forward, sinking into the counter. "Lady Shinki~..."

...Shinki just gave her a dry stare. "Why're you getting me involved?"

"You two would fuck anything with legs." The vampire grimaced at Mako. "...He's obviously _holy elemental_ , if you pigs haven't been keeping with your senses."

"He's only _barely_ holy~..." Looking over at her, the boob monster pouted. "Come o~n. I know you like _little boys_ , Gab-ri-el-a."

"Don't make me have you hung again." Gabriella's grimace deepens at her cohort. "I came to discuss important realm matters with Lady Shinki, not impale myself on a cute- some _holy_ fledgling's… rod." She seems to be more upset after awkwardly ending her sentence.

...Bringing the drinks over to the counter, Mako placed the bottles two at a time. "Here you go…"

The flat loli giggled loudly. "Hehehe! Bo~y. How about I pour _you_ a _drink…?_ "

"Sorry, I don't drink, I think." Mako shook… _his_ head. Apparently he's a male…?

" _Hehehe!_ You think…!?" Her face flushed already, the girl-

 _Pop!_ -popped open her bottle with her teeth, the cork falling into oblivion as she hastily poured a drink. "Here, here! Just drink it…!"

After splashing the liquid into the drink, she dipped her finger in it-

The previously vaguely maroon alcohol changed to an earth green tint, becoming cloudy. You know, I'm not sure about you, but-

Shinki swipes the glass before anyone can do anything to it, and drinks it herself. "Mmm…"

The flat loli deflates. "Awa~h. Lady _Shinki~..._ "

...Setting the glass down, she looks down at the smaller girl. "No drink spiking, and _especially_ no bacterial drink spiking. I wasn't gonna say anything about a love mix, but nothing _messy_ , alright?"

...Taking her own bottle, Shinki pauses before opening it. "Last thing I need is to get my ear talked off for plaguing the village during a brief joy trip."

"What's so ba~d about a little… little things?" The loli smiled up at her. "They never did anyone any little harm… anyone who's _anyone_ \- hehehe- anywa~y…"

I'm pretty sure these two lolis are already drunk.

...Setting down her bottle, Shinki put her finger inside the small glass the loli afflicted-

 _Fwoom!_ A jet of flame rushes from her finger, cleansing the inside. "If I sense a single _microbe_ of one of your little friends in this realm, I'm turning you into a rock."

"Aww~..." Defeated, the loli slouched into the counter. "You're no fu~n, Lady Shinki. But alright…"

"Lady Shinki knows be~st…" The big booby loli nodded at this notion.

...The vampire apparently had a wine glass, now. She must've brought that on her own.

Twirling it around after sipping from it, she kept her gaze on Vanilla.

In the past few moments, Vanilla's only fidgeted a few steps, tilted awkwardly to the side as she steals glances at the elder vampire.

"...Little one." Gabriela tries to get Vanilla's attention.

"A- ah…?" Vanilla looks over at her.

"You should feel honored I'm in no position to act, despite our proximity." Holding up her wine, she twirled it about again, preparing to sip. "...A stomping ground such as _this_ is simply ripe and rich with resources. I could see myself building a castle here."

"They don't have the materials home does." Shinki lowers her bottle, having just been casually chugging it in the background. "Nothing fit for our… more creative projects."

"Then we import them. Simple." Gabriela smirked across the counter at her. "Did that not occur to you?"

"We're not here to be _rude_ , now." Shinki gave her a grin. "I'm pretty sure replacing the village with a castle is some form of disrespect." No building castles on my lawn.

"...Who may I talk with regarding that?" Scowling, Gabriela gestured forward to Vanilla. "Her?"

Shinki suppressed a giggle. "Heavens, no. I'll show you to her so you may make your own judgments later, but keep in mind she doesn't preside within the realm itself the majority of the time. Rather… on the boundary between."

"...Hrmm. Very _well_." The vampire nodded at her glass. "This realm is a mess."

Blimp boobs turned to her. "Aww, Gabby. There's so many nice boys, though…"

"Do they have that thing called a 'school'?" The flat-chested one spoke up from her seat. "I wanna see~..." That's a crime.

"No." Shinki flatly refuses her.

...Stepping up to the vampire, Shikome looks up at her.

...After a moment, the vampire glances over at her, staring down.

"...Aren't _you_ a little rascal?" The vampire sipped from her wine… "...Tastes like _scum_. Anyway-..." Focusing on Shikome again, she waved her hand dismissively. "Go on, then."

The boob zone sat up in her seat, greedily gulping from her bottle. "Mmgh- mghk- nnh…"

Parting it from her lips, she let a margin of it pour over herself before setting it back down. "Ehehehe~..."

...I glance at her as she does this, so she instantly turns herself to me and tries to sit up higher repeatedly, jiggling her breasts in the process. "Aw- loo~k. I'm all~ _messy…_ "

...I don't respond, looking away.

...At my non-response, she huffs. "Come _o~n._ Little boy, over the~re…!" Pointing a finger at Mako repeatedly, she calls for him. "Little bo~y!"

...Mako's not particularly paying attention, just kind of staring at the counter.

Growing frustrated- probably- she starts to climb onto her stool. "Gee~z…!"

Shikome steps up behind her, looking up at her.

"Over he~re!" She calls down at Mako, waving an arm as obnoxiously as possible. "Little-"

 _Shink!_

Shikome's now on the stool behind the probable succubus, her arm sticking out of the being's chest, beneath her breasts. Cyan, pink liquid combined with foggy black roll out from within the succubus, dissipating into the air…

"Hu- _hiiaa~...?_ " Eyes slightly wider than her usual relaxed, teasing expression, the pink-haired girl let out a hollow, irritating noise.

...Clack. Darting off of the stool, Shikome held up the being's heart. It was composed of many navy orbs, attached by some kind of crimson gel.

 _Thu- bam!_ Falling back down into a sitting position, the boob loli's head slammed against the counter. Well then…

"Fu- fufufu…" The vampire failed to repress a giggle. "...That was going to happen, eventually."

 _Chomp_. Shikome sunk her teeth into the gooey organ, her eyes narrowing…

I should probably stop her. "Hey, don't eat the customers." For some reason, this feels awkward to assert. "Put that back."

...Shikome tears off a chunk-

 _Fwoo~f_. From the cyan chambers of the succubus's heart, some kind of maroon gas rolled out-

 _Fzz~!_ Pink, sparkler-like particles began emitting from within the popped sacs, some of them curving to form heart shapes as they leave the organ-

Shikome stuck the heart back into the being's chest, expression sour.

After she re-inserted it-

"Hia- hoo- _hroa~h!_ " Jolting back up from the counter, a split in her forehead where her skull hit the counter, the succubus jerked her body around. "Hiaa~ _hahaha~!_ "

"O- oh, no…!" Mako raises his staff, looking up at her in vague alarm. "He- heal!"

Di~ng. A small, floral pattern forms around her form-

 _Fwoa~sh_. Her form lights up with healing energy-

" _Hoo- hiiooa~!_ " It didn't seem to benefit her too much, at the moment. "Heuh- _hii~-_ "

Kri- krick- krack- cra~ck. The gooey hole of viscous flowing liquid begins to close, sharp black latex-esque bonds connected her innards back together, as her skin seems to meld with the cyan crap to build her skin again.

 _Thud_. Slamming her arms on the counter, she breathes in and out. "Hea~h. Ha~h…"

Di~ng. Mako casts that healing spell again, the floral pattern lighting up around her.

 _Fwoa~sh_. She's healed by some kind of light, but doesn't seem to acknowledge it. "Haa~h… nnh-..."

Whirling around on her stool, the succubus slouched to be as level with Shikome as possible. "He~h he~h he~h! Very nice gelati~n, ain't it…!?" Her voice was abnormally high-pitched and raspy, for some reason.

...Shikome's face was still sour, brows furrowed slightly and lips slightly puckered.

...Whirling around on her stool again, the loli looked around with wide, neon pink, luminescent eyes. "He~h- akh…" Holding onto one of her boobs, then her upper chest, she took the wine bottle-

"Gkh, ngh, mmh…" -and began chugging it greedily.

...Once she was done, she tossed it behind herself-

 _Cra~ck!_ It shattered behind Shikome.

"Aa- aah…" The loli's voice was back to normal. "The~re we go… jus' needed a lil drinkie..."

"Disgusting." Shikome shook her head at the flavor.

...The vampire took a glance back at Shikome, before grinning. " _Strange_ girl…"

"Loose sluts all taste disgusting." Shikome insults the succubus before herself.

"Aa~w, light'n up…" Pursing her lips, the succubus looked back at her. "...You took a bite outta me~, and you're still sane…" Looking back forward, she starts to glance at Mako. "Gabby's ri~ght. You _are_ strange…"

"Perhaps she isn't sane." Gabriela smirked at her cohort. "I had no idea your reach was so limited."

...Anithrasi McBoobs pouted at her. "You kno~w what I mean, Gabby. Beastie takes a bite, an' then beastie wanna fuck. An' fuck, an' fuck, an' fuck… and they don' stop until _they_ stop."

"You've ruined more than one of my dinner parties this way, yes." Exhaling, the vampire began to scowl at her again.

"Ehe, he, he…!" Giggling in her usual tone, The Great Boobsy turned her sultry gaze fully to Mako. "An', this boy, he _helped_ me…"

"How amusingly _unwise_ of him." Gabriela looked for the frown that would make her face look the longest. "And, cute…" The frown started to crack a little.

"Maybe we sho' help _him_ …" Rapping her gloved fingers on the desk, Thomas Booberson began to adjust the way she was leaning into the counter, to emphasize her _breasts_ again. "He looks li' he could use it…"

...Shinki's _staring_ at me, for some reason. I stare back.

She darts her gaze to Mako, then to me… and after a moment, to GiantTitsMcGits and back to me.

Hmm. Wonder what she's trying to tell me.

"Ye~s. Let's _help him_ …" The flatter loli of the two shifted about on her stool. "Bo~y…!"

"Little bo~y!" Tig 'Ol Bitties called for him-

"Bo~y!" Areth- Ar-... _Ares_ , the loli of the flat chest war, called for him again-

"What's his damned name…?" The vampire gave me a tired glare.

Ares, god of war. "Mako."

"Mako~!" They began calling for him using his actual name-

"Huh- whah…?" Mako actually begins to pay attention, now. "Wh- what do you-"

"We wanna _help_ …!" Boobastic girl begins to crawl onto the counter-

 _Click_. -spilling her booze in the process.

I don't know when, but the flat-chested one just appeared behind the counter next to him. "Hi~, miste~r. I love yo~u…"

"A- aah, aah…!?" Mako seems bewildered.

That's it. I'm gonna need me mallet.

...I look over at Shikome, who's just eying the vampire and Shinki…

"U- um…" Vanilla looks over at the flatter abomination. "Yo- you can't-"

"What can't we do?" Suddenly, the vampire was behind the counter too, looming down on her. "If-"

"Come back here." Shinki spoke three words.

The two who had infiltrated the counter are now back in their seats.

"..." Smiling at me and Mako, Shinki leaned onto the counter… "I'm sorry to ask this of you, but…"

"Forty thousand yen for an hour." I request significant figures. "...Per participant."

...Shinki considered this. "Hmm. Sure." Oh. "I didn't realize this was that sort of establishment. Clever marketing- where might the room be?" She asks this question as her loli companions practically salivate next to her, bringing their arms around her back…

"Upstairs and to the le- right." I advise them-

Behind the counter again-

"Hup!" Booby loli picked up Mako with both arms, and began carrying him off over her head. "You're comin' with _me_ …! Hehehe!"

"Wait up…!" The flat one launched off the counter and glided after her-

Cla- clack, clack clack! They ended up launching away some of the plywood as they roared upstairs.

…

Shinki turned to the vampire.

Gabriela was already staring at her.

"...I can cover you too, don't worry." Shinki's smile was carefree.

"I'm not commanded by my hormones." The vampire narrowed her eyes at her. "We came here for business."

"What's in an hour, anyway?" Shinki ignored her assertion. "Have fun. It's really no different to the treating during political negotiations back at home. Just… a little less _fancy_."

…

 _Woosh!_ She glided off towards the plywood slope, before whirling up into the hole more like a blob of dark than anything remotely human.

Letting out a quaint chuckle, Shinki pulled out a coin purse. "Mmm, let me see…"

...Shikome stepped up beside Shinki.

...After a moment of digging, she looked down at her. "Oh. Aw, hello~..." Reaching out, Shinki ruffled her hair. "Aren't you adorable…?"

Shikome brought a hand onto her arm, and held on.

...Shinki tried to retract her arm, only to find it stuck. "Oh, she's quite strong."

 _fwish_. Shinki's hand phased through Shikome's, becoming free. "There we are. Now-"

Shikome grabbed onto it again, trying to pull it back-

The arm shot back up into the air, Shikome's fingers slipping off of it as it moves at a speed I couldn't read, let alone see a blur of.

"He~y." Shinki gave her a pleasant stare. "Beha~ve. I'm just-"

Shikome grabbed onto her torso, and tried to pull her from the counter-

The stool slid along with them instead. Shinki ends up dropping the coin purse on the counter…

...Taking this moment, I immediately look inside of it-

There's nothing in there.

...Kicking the stool out from under herself, Shinki tried to turn to Shikome-

Because of her grip, the death loli swung around on the woman's waist.

"Pfft- hehehe…" Shinki was amused. "Alri~ght, you need to get off, now…"

...Grabbing onto Shikome with one arm, she tugged-

 _Fwoom!_ A shockwave of air came off of them from the separation. For some reason, Shinki's dress seemed to contract to resist Shikome's grip.

...Shinki held Shikome before herself, by the back of the loli's kimono.

Setting the loli down beside her, she continued towards the counter again. "Now, as I was-"

A tendril moves to wrap around Shinki's form-

 _fwoam_. Shinki slips right through it, her form bending and melting into black to slide through it, before reforming the next instant.

From beneath Shinki, a tendril attempts to slide up into her midsection-

 _Clack_. Shinki steps on the tendril-

 _Crack!_ The floor cracks beneath her boot, the tendril still moving to run against the wood.

Shinki held an arm down towards it-

 _Thunk_. Shikome's tendril plopped against the ground, writhing in an attempt to move, but unable.

"...There." Shinki smiled. "Gravity is harsh, yes?"

Thu- thunk. Shikome's knees buckled, leaving her kneeling on them as she tried to right herself…

As fun as this is… "Stop harassing our customers." I recommend to Shikome.

I look over at Shinki. "Don't break shit."

"Sorry~." She gave me a carefree wave, before picking up her empty coin purse again. "Alright, let's see…"

...Then, she looks up at me. "I didn't convert my money into yen. And…"

Leaning forward a little, she glances at the plywood slideway to the next floor. "If they've taken a liking to him, they might want to _keep him_ , you know. So, I'll pay for damages preemptively…"

 _Thu~nk_. A gold bar falls from her coin purse, landing cleanly on the counter. Oh.

...I look up at her. "We'll need a replacement too, you know."

"No problem." She waved her hand. "Leave that to me." ...Should I, now.

…

So, there's just a gold bar on my counter, now.

...I try to pick it up, but it's pretty heavy.

"Nn~h…" Shikome struggles against gravity in the background.

"G- go- kaugh- go in…" I think our sentry guards are dying. I only hear one anymore, and he doesn't sound long for this world. Maybe we should feed them.

A brown-haired girl with a black hat, skirt, and white dress walks inside. Oh, right, this is that Renko girl. _What_ is she doing here.

...Panning her gaze around the deserted bar, she steps forward towards the counter. She pauses before the struggling Shikome, however.

"You know…" Focusing on the struggle, I speak. "It'd be nice if gravity stopped thrashing her."

"Oh, sorry." Shinki held a hand up-

 _Bam!_ Shikome leapt off the floor and hit the ceiling with her back.

... _Clack_. After falling back down, she lands on her legs, glaring at Shinki as she stands.

Skirting around her, Renko proceeds to the counter, and takes a seat at one of the stools. "Hmm…"

"Hi." I greet her.

"I didn't know you ran a… bar." She gave the drinks behind me a stare. "How've you been doing?"

...Compared to the guests we just had, this is relatively underwhelming. "Good."

…

I don't think Shinki's even touched her alcohol. She seems to be thinking… and staring at me as she does so-

Shikome's tendrils wrap around her again-

...She ends up pulling _herself_ along by tugging on the woman. How powerful is this Shinki supposed to be?

"Aah…" Renko takes in the visual. "...Oh."

"...I see you find yourself around a lot of women." Shinki considered my company. "Not that Gensokyo is very kind to the notion of males."

"Yeah." I shall accept this mundane small talk. "I'm surrounded by lolis. I just can't get away from them. At this point, I may as well just become one myself."

…

"Hmm." Shinki considered my words as Shikome pulled herself to her for a hug.

"You know…" Standing and leaning over the counter slightly, Shinki's smile becomes a smirk. "We could make a deal."

A deal, huh. "...A deal?"

"Yes." ...She glances at the anklebiter giving her a hug, before focusing on her fully. "...Your draining atmosphere doesn't work quite well as you thought it did, hmm? Don't worry. I'm an exception to many rules, you'll find."

...Shikome doesn't respond, climbing higher up her back.

"In any case…" Ignoring her, Shinki centers her gaze on me again. "It's a rather simple proposition. For one soul, I'll transform you into a 'loli', as you put it." ...Oh.

...Reading my masked inexpression, she shifts her posture. "It doesn't have to be _your_ soul. I'm pretty sure that boy's upstairs will suffice. Not that we wouldn't have ended up taking him anyway, but this is a little more formal, you know?"

"Am I witnessing a deal with the devil…?" Renko grinned at the proceedings.

"...Well, yes." Shinki confirmed this. "Do you want one?"

"...No." Renko declined. "I think I'm good."

…

She may be powerful, but it's a little whimsical to be able to just… _change_ someone's form. "I'd like to see you try."

At that, she took pause. Only for a moment, but she'd seemed to freeze after I said that.

Then, she began to move from her stool. "As you wish. Do you want me to do it right now, or somewhere private?"

Why. "If you can really do it, just do it right now." I'd rather not be ganked in a back alley.

...Speaking of lolis, Shikome's still hitching a ride on Shinki for some reason, and Vanilla is just…

Glancing over at her, I see she's just been randomly changing her position slightly every now and then. That other vampire's presence has got her really bugged out.

...Shikome begins to run her hand up, sliding it towards one of Shinki's breasts-

 _Shi~ng!_ A grey, sharp spike from her boob rips through the dress, impaling Shikome's hand.

...Despite this, Shikome continues to try and grope with the spike midway through her hand, uncaring-

 _Fwoamp_.

Oh, okay. My vision shifted randomly for a moment…

"Ow…" Renko blinked her eyes. "Was that you?"

Shinki was no longer in Shikome's embrace. "...Oh." She slowly turned to Renko. "Do you mean me?"

Looking down, I see Shikome on the floor behind the counter, looking dizzy. "Nngh…"

"A- ah…" Her vision correcting, Vanilla moved towards her slowly and stiffly. "He- hey…"

"Couldn't've been me~..." Shinki holds her hands up innocently. "Certainly."

"For some reason, I don't believe you…" Renko doubts her innocence is as it seems.

...Once the situation has been quiet for a few moments, Shinki smiles at me. "Are you ready?"

When she puts it like that, this might not be-

She snaps towards me, colors splaying the air-

 _FWOAM_

/ / / / MAGIC HOUR / / / /

' _Let's see~..._ '

This was really not a good idea. Really, really not a good idea. All I can see is black, with some vague hints of what I _think_ are color-

' _Please cooperate._ ' I hear Shinki, somewhere. ' _...Thinking quickly will just make this take longer._ '

I try to speak, but nothing comes out. What the hell is-

I- I can't-

How can mind-

stiff and dark

…

/ / / / MAGIC MINUTE MORE LIKE / / / /

 _fwoa- wohwahwaw…_

My head's _spinning_ …

Fuck. Ouch… what the hell- where did this headache even come from…

What was I doing?

...Looking around, I see… a bar counter, rather large. It's almost as tall as me.

The colors of my vision come align properly, so my sight returns to… being as bad as it normally is.

Vanilla is kneeling next to Shikome nearby, peering down at her. "Are you okay…?" For some reason, she's comparable in size to me. As in, she's half as tall as me while crouched, about.

Where-

I'm in the bar, and I just…

I look _up_ at Shinki. She's behind the counter now, smiling down at me. "My~. You came out rather cute." Compared to my height now, she's _pretty fucking tall_.

"Wha- what the hell-..." Oh. _Nice voice_. Fuck. I'm as _tall_ as a loli, I sound like a loli…

My arms-... are in sleeves way too big for them.

...Awkwardly, I use my sleeved hands to remove my oversized fedora, when I realize I feel something on the back of my head.

Sliding an arm through one of the suit sleeves- and discovering my slim hands and black nails, I run them back through my… long black hair.

"What the he~ll!" My yell carries no weight, because I just sound like an irate _loli_. Probably because I _am_.

"Fuhehe…" Bringing a hand to her mouth, Shinki stepped back, leaving the counter. "Well? Are you _satisfied_ , barkeeper?"

"Oh my go~d…" Renko looks positively baffled. "...You- you just…!"

"Mnn~..." Stretching, Shinki sighs. "It felt good to be a little _creative_ again. I need to get back into hypnotizing people the hard way, and the likes. It's been too long, you know?"

...Marching around the counter just so I could get a good focus on her, I did my best to look positively enraged. "I didn't think you actually could _change_ me!" This _is_ a fun voice, though. Just not for being _me_. "I-... I like… being me!" Alright, what the hell was that.

"And you _are_ , and you're _beautiful_." Shinki nods at me with a smug smile. "...But, if you're not satisfied… don't blame _me_. You can blame…" She places a finger to her lips. "Well, I guess you can blame me. Hehehe!"

 _Fwoom!_ In a swath of green fire from Shinki's hand, she displays some parchment to me. "Here's the soul contract for your Mako. I'm giving it to you to read, for now. If there's any inconsistencies, let me know."

...Once I accept the contract, I try my best to rip it.

...Shinki's stare becomes dry. "It's corrupted paper. Only the most evil kind of paper, you know. It also happens to be better than regular paper in every way, including durability and preservability. Fuhehe~..."

"Nnn~...!" My noises of struggling to rip the paper are not meant for mortal men, apparently. Holy shit.

...Renko leans against the counter. "Wo~w. This is pretty amazing, isn't it, Merry?" The girl who is not here right now, yes.

...I also can't _read_ this contract. This isn't even Japanese. What the hell is this.

"I- I can't _read_ it…!" Why, voice, why do these things to me. I need one of those Darth Vader voice changer helmets, now. And some _stilts_. Fuck.

...Shinki pouts her lips at me. "Well, that's too bad, isn't it? Find a loved one who can."

This is Eldritchenese. I don't think there's anyone on this mortal plane who can read what you've written here.

...Also, these pants are too big. Whatever, maybe Shikome can look it over, since she's part Eldritchenese herself.

Navigating around the counter in my big dumb dress shoes, I make my way towards the two lolis…

...Vanilla looks over at me, and blinks. "Ah. Um…?"

"Hi." I greet her plainly. "...Yo- you, um, know when Shikome'll be getting up?" Where did that 'um' come from. Ums get out.

...Vanilla looks down at her, then up at me. "No?" Good.

...Kneeling down next to the fallen loli myself, I awkwardly fight my sleeves to hold the oversized parchment over her. "Ah- um…" Cool voice. Alright, take two. "Shi- Shikome~." Good enough. "Can you-... help me read this?"

She blinks at the air a few times. Hmm.

"Shikome~!" Why do I stress the 'e' at the end of her name. "Help me read this…!"

...After a moment, she abruptly sits up, staring forward.

The movement makes me awkwardly shift to the side, since she would've clipped my parchment. Actually no- maybe that's a good thing. Time to hit her over the head with the contract until she eats it-

She takes the contract from me with one hand, before looking at me.

…

…

She just kind of blinks, unreacting. Yeah.

...After a moment, she leans towards me and takes a sniff.

I point at the contract. "De- destroy~ i~t…" Christ.

She doesn't seem to register what I said, just kind of staring at me.

"The- the contract, break i~t…!" I point at it repeatedly. Please help.

Vanilla adjusts herself to be closer to us, reaching for the contract. "I- I'll help…!" She begins to tug on it uselessly to try and rip it…

...Shinki's holding a hand over her face, hiding a beaming grin. Yeah, fuck you.

Has Vanilla even connected the dots yet, or is she just helping me to help a fellow loli? Jesus Christ, I'm a loli now.

And- oh.

Shikome tilted forward and licked my cheek.

"Our Father..." Shikome seems to recognize me, at least.

No one is sane anymore. Everyone I thought was sane happens to be the opposite of sane. Well, Shikome was always insane, but some other individuals here this evening have defied my expectations.

"You- you had a dad…?" Except for Vanilla. At least Vanilla's consistent.

...Shikome looks down at the parchment, but doesn't reply.

Looking slightly baffled, Vanilla looks over at me, scratching her cheek. "He- hey, Shikome's… dad?"

Mmm. "I- I'm _Matt_ , you…" Wait, have I ever told her my name? Maybe. Even if not, there's only one of our loli group that could have once been an unassuming guy named Matt.

...After blinking for a moment, her eyes widen. "Woa~h! Wha-... did _she_ do that to you!?" She points at Shinki, who waves.

Wow, you're attentive. " _No~._ "

...At that, she lets her arms go limp and she just kind of stares at me.

"Yea~h. I mean- _yes_." I amend my previous answer.

"So, this contract…" Looking down at it, Vanilla realizes what's going on. "I'll help you!" So we got nowhere, in the end.

Standing up, Vanilla moves to karate chop the contract. It doesn't do anything.

"Hnn~...!" Looking focused, she brings a leg back and-

 _Pap_. -tries to kick the contract with a bare foot, but it just ripples as if a breeze hit it. "No…"

…I don't even know if destroying the contract reverts me, so this might just be a total waste of time.

"Oh, by the way…" Shinki leans over the counter. "You could use this…"

Clack. Something lands behind me.

Looking behind myself, I see a brown suit hung up on a very dinky-looking but well-weighted rack, with a black skirt included.

"It's a suit!" Shinki explains the obvious. "There's a cute hair pin in the front left breast pocket for you. Also, a pocket mirror! Aren't I considerate?"

I will poison your wine. Not that anything will kill you. The one person to wrong me has to be some indescribably powerful deity, naturally.

...Although, this is an alright-looking substitute to my suit, if a little brighter than I'd prefer.

My mask is on the floor around where I'd turned into a loli, probably having fallen off because of my change. I don't really need it anymore, since my face is likely totally different.

Digging into the suit's breast pocket, I drew the shiny brass, locket-esque pocket mirror, folding it open.

...Well. I have very neat looking black hair, which seems to go down past my butt. My eyes are also _red_ , which won't make village life easy, but is also fun at the same time. Also- _I'm a loli_.

"Fu~ck." ...Must I stress every sound at the absolute _worst_ time?

...Standing up, Shinki snaps her fingers once, energized. "Alri~ght. You know, this outing was more fun than I expected." Glad you enjoyed it. Never come back.

"I knew you'd enjoy it." ...Yukari's in the seat next to her. Oh, hi. "So, what do you think of… _her?_ "

"Oh, she's a _darling_." Shinki beamed at me. "...Did I win that bet?"

"Yes, yes, quite." Yukari rolled her eyes. "You may set up your little hell portal, for some time. If it becomes too intrusive, however, I'll send a nuke through, with a sternly worded letter taped to it."

"Don't worry." Giving her a wave, Shinki shifted for the plywood staircase. "I'll plan it out responsibly. I'll keep our portal in a castle chamber, so only a few entities may slide at a given point, and only ones I authorize. Well, unless they're coming _in_ from this realm, but that is no problem."

"Alright…" Yukari waved at her as she left. "Do take care, now."

...Pausing, Shinki looks back at us. "Oh, right. Replacement staff, as compensation…"

 _Vhir- vhir_. Extending her arm outward, two red pentagrams draw on the floor before herself…

 _FWOA- FWOA~M!_

...After their loud, blindingly bright initializations, there were two women left, one in each circle. They were girls, slightly taller than the average height of our lolipalooza.

...Considering Mako was a boy, I might be right in assuming these are also boys.

One is a girl- seemingly- with long, blonde hair, a single very tiny red ribbon in her hair, to the front. "Aa~h…" She turns back towards us. "...Whah?" She's got a sort of white and pink dress on.

The second 'girl' has two shoulder-length, fluffy twintails, two sort of goofy bat wings on her back, and a Japanese schoolgirl uniform. "...Oh, wo~w. Who the hell summoned-"

"Me." Shinki stated plainly. "...You both turned around without looking at me?"

...The two girls pivoted away from us and towards Shinki, before flinching back. "A- ah! Lady Shinki!"

"Now, before you _girls_ go panicking…" Shinki held up a hand neutrally. "You are here to serve… her." Shinki points at me-

My form lights up as if a lightbulb lit up over it. Okay.

...The girls look back at me.

...Poofy twintail girl blinks a few times. "...Did- did we get summoned by a bunch of sexy lolis…? Er- summoned by _Lady Shinki_ to serve sexy lolis…!?"

"What kind of illusion is this…!?" The blonde-haired girl began looking around frantically. "There's no way _Lady Shinki_ would-"

 _Fwaomp_. Something happened beyond comprehension, the girls ceasing to panic.

"...Ah, right." The blonde girl stared at us with more confidence, now. "Hehehe~. This is _almost_ too good to be true…!"

Nodding, Shinki floated up towards the hole in the ceiling. "Now, if you'll excuse me… I'll have to round up my company."

I look back for Yukari, only to find her gone. That's nice.

...Renko's still here, though, just kind of watching everything. She's staring at me, sort of examiningly.

So. That leaves us with… a gold bar- which is practically infinite money in the village- two _things_ Shinki left us, three pirate doubloons… and me stuck as a loli.

...Parting her gaze from the parchment, Shikome looks at me with a _smug_ face. Why's she _smug?_

"Quite unprecedented... yearning for something so vacuous... and cute..." Uh oh. I'm on the fence as to whether being cute or not is a good thing- _I don't think that's a good thing personally_.

Folding up the parchment, she casts it back onto the counter behind us, before proceeding towards Vanilla. "Juvenile wi-... Vanilla..."

Closing the remaining distance, she gets into Vanilla's personal space...

"...Only mine." Shikome leans around her head-

"Aa- aah…!" Vanilla's arms come up and to her sides as Shikome nibbles on her ear. "...Aa~h…!"

Retracting her head, Shikome stares at her simply. "Does it feel good?"

...It takes Vanilla a moment to collect herself. "We- well… it- it tickles, and… yeah, I guess-"

Gingerly proceeding forward, Shikome tips Vanilla over before almost falling onto her. "Aa- waah…!" Vanilla lands softly, the exchange almost soundless.

Well. That's nice and all, but I'm still _small_.

...Glancing over at Renko, I see her just sort of staring at the interaction, sort of numb about the whole thing.

...After a moment, she turns to me. "You know, I feel like I've walked in on something, even though I've just been sitting here."

"Wa- wanna _buy_ something…?" It is hard not to sound like a loli when you are, in fact, a loli.

"Oh…" She looks at the drinks. "Uu~m. A… water?" Good. You want a water, huh.

...Looking back at the shelves, I realize I left the stock glasses a little high on the shelves for the new me. Son of a bitch.

I pan my gaze to Shikome, who seems to be passionately pressing her face into Vanilla's.

...Moving around the bar counter, I obtain one of the stools, bring it to the shelf, and stand on it.

There. Glass obtained. I have danced the song and dance.

Bringing it under the table, I reach for the water scissors on one of the thankfully lower shelves, and bring both beneath the counter. Not that the secret probably matters, since Renko's a fellow scissors entrepreneur.

"You better not be filling that the way I think you're filling that." Renko gives me a faux dry stare, visibly trying not to grin.

She initiated the joke first, somehow. "Yea~h, I'm filling it with my _pussy juice_."

Renko snorts. "Glad we're on the same page, then. Here I thought I was going to embarrass myself. My setup was terrible..." Looking to the side, she seems to whisper something.

...Once the glass is filled with energy conservation-defying water, I place it on the counter.

...Renko takes it and starts drinking it without paying. I think she knows how it's made anyway. Maybe I could say it's a 'glass usage' fee. I should charge her tuition. Taxes and fees.

Those two women Shinki summoned into here finally decided to join us and stop gossiping amongst each other.

The blonde-haired one gave me twin peace signs with her fingers. "Thalli~. Call me Tay." What.

The twin-tailed one kneels down, giving me a wide, warm smile. "Isami~. You're pretty cute, you know?" That's nice.

...Since it's morning, I should be on the lookout for Aiko. That'll be a fun time. First, I should get this oversized suit off, in some other room-

As I move past them, the twin-tailed girl grabs my arm. "He~y. Where're you going…?"

" _Busine~ss._ " I am going to rip my vocal cords a-fucking-sunder. Also, get off of me-

When I tug on my arm, Isami tugs back. "Hehehe~. You're just, _too cute_ …"

"What's with _you?"_ I try to tug again-

"I think I like you…" She tries to wrap her other arm around mine-

 _Crack!_

" _Hee~!_ " Isami squeals, her hand bent backwards. "Huhaha~ _oww~!_ "

Shikome had a tendril around her hand, bending it backwards farther than a hand should. "Faha- aanh- awaa~h!" Gritting her teeth, Isami let go of me, stumbling back. "Nn- _ohw- ow…!_ "

Once she bumps into the counter, Shikome retracts her tendril, leaving the girl to nurse her splintered, ripped and exposed wrist; flesh and bone visible from the snapping region.

"You shall not gratify your complacency, hellion." Shikome's still on top of Vanilla, just looking up at the girl.

"Aah- ow ow ow- fuck…" Sliding onto her butt, the girl began crying, staring up and gritting her teeth in pain. "Fff~... _Aaaa~h!_ Fuck!"

The blonde girl stumbled back, laughing. "Pfft- hahaha~! Ha- ho- what…! What happened!?"

" _Baa~h!_ " Isami thrust her splintered wrist towards her. " _Bitch!_ "

"Hehahaha~!" 'Tay' shakes her head, grinning. "You stu~pid…!"

Well. I think I'll leave them to sort out their differences, then.

Oh, right, I need my suit to be able to change into it. Let me just…

/ / / / TEN PARAGRAPHS OF PUTTING ON CLOTHES LATER / / / /

This feels _weird_. Everything feels weird. It's a good suit, though.

I brush myself off, the brown suit on proper.

Rumia's floating just below the room's ceiling, a myriad of different kinds of buckets just kind of smashed into the hole that was made earlier. "...I dunno why I should fix this hole, new girl. I think it makes it easier to get in and out!"

"It might rain…" I will rip this voice to a thousand pieces and scatter it to the wind.

...Rumia looks down at me indifferently, before smiling widely. "That has nothing to do with what I just said!"

Floating down, she holds her arms out for some reason. "Walls're _stupid_."

Maybe _you're_ stupid. "They keep your stuff contained and, like… keep you safe."

Rumia tilted her head at me, perplexed. "Whah? How?" Okay. "Why not get a funny box…? Or bury it?"

You know, I think this discussion is over.

...Ignoring her, I start to leave the room.

"Aw, come back…" Rumia floats after me slowly. "I get that you like walls! I'm sorry for making you mad…!"

No, it's done.

Moving through the intermediate room- and also noting how _quiet_ the adjacent room is now- I proceed towards the plywood slope with my new attire donned. I just kind of slid the hair clip into my hair because I have no idea how you use girly accessories.

...Once I'm downstairs, I take a look around.

Isami's hand is somehow fixed, but she's sitting at one of the tables drinking a bottle of booze. "Mmgh…"

'Tay' was across from her, head propped on the table by an arm. "Oh, hey, she's back down…" She looks over at me.

...Vanilla was still lying on the floor past the counter, and Shikome for some reason is _standing_ on the counter, staring at a portion of the room with no one. Next to Shikome was the gold bar, doubloons and- the soul contract was gone. Shinki _did_ pose examination as a temporary process.

Renko's finished her water, and has just been looking around.

Aiko is here now. She's looking at the two new girls with her arms folded, blinking slowly.

Her gaze sets on me as I approach her. "...I've not been getting good answers. _Where_ is my client?"

"Hey…" I give her a loli-wave, different from a normal wave. "That's me."

...She raises her brow. "You cannot be serious. If you're a _messenger_ , it would do you a far greater service to show _honesty_."

...You know what, sure. "If that makes you happy, I guess. You'll still be getting money and stuff, with me."

"Very well." Unfolding her arms, Aiko nodded once. "...However, if he had any specific assignments for today, I am afraid to inform him and you that it isn't likely possible."

Say what now. "Wha- why?"

"...Those rowdy _heroines_ as people call them came to the village, this morning." Idly, Aiko walked over towards the counter, so I moved with her. "They threw the village council, and seem to be in league to make reparations, as well as replace _problematic_ council members. It is a fine pity that I hadn't polished plans to infiltrate there. I'm unsure of what wealth lies on that premise, but to mindlessly flail within would only get me deported effortlessly by the Hakurei and her goons."

...As she sat before Shikome, I took the seat next to her.

She looked down at the gold bar, before blinking.

…

"I remember him being smarter than this." Aiko reached down for the gold bar-

I put a hand on it, too.

...Looking over at me, she breaks her stoicism to give me a wide, furrow-browed grin. "I'll give you a few sentences to explain why _you_ should have it over _me_."

"Matt- me, _us_ , we were going to- ah- use it to…" Hmm. What _could_ I use it for?

Aiko tugs on the bar. "...Well, if that's all you have to say about the matter-"

"You said the village council…" I start to speak. "Was like, um… under attack? They're kicking people out, right?"

...Aiko looks perplexed at my direction, her total grin dissipating a margin. "Well, yes. I fail to see-"

"Ho- how much do you think…" I tighten my grip on the gold bar. "What position do you think _this_ would get us?"

…

Aiko reached a hand to me, and ruffled my hair. "I like your thinking, young one. We shall use this to initiate our plan. But what of the man?"

The man who is me. "I'll kill him." He's already dead.

Aiko snorted at my proposition. "...Well, if you're so sure."

...Reaching for her back, where her multitude of katanas were, she considered the bar further. "However, we should… divide it, perhaps. The council will likely jump at even a grain of gold, let alone a whole _bar's_ worth."

You say that like it's easy.

 _Shi~ng_. Drawing one katana, Aiko brought it down-

 _SHI- Thunk!_ She cleaved through the gold, the katana digging into the counter-

Thunk. She retracted it, the bar cut down the middle. The bar was angled wide for obvious reasons, so we had two rectangular chunks rather than two gold sticks.

"There…" She moved to sheathe her katana. "If you're so intent on this, we'll go now. Surely a plan as audacious as _yours_ need no more consideration, with the resources available."

"...Su- sure." Well, it'd give me something to do. But, first… "You, um… have _notoriety_ , right?"

"Big word, for you." Aiko gave me a smug, quaint smile. "I do. Have you heard of me?"

"That might… like, be a problem." I have a feeling… "Wouldn't the council recogni~ze you? If they saw you..." Slow down there, me.

...Aiko nodded. "Hmm. And that is a problem?"

For our intents and purposes, yes. Especially if any 'heroines' as they put it are still around. I don't think we will ever be in a position to fight Reimu or Marisa.

...Getting off of my seemingly large stool, I move to collect some old things of mine. "I- I think I've got an outfit for you. You'll have to put away your katanas, too…"

Aiko rolled her head back for a moment… before agreeing. "Very _well_. If anything's happened to them when we return, it is _your_ life on the line."

"Follow me…" I gesture for her to come upstairs, while Shikome's still down here… admiring a wall, I suppose.

/ / / / THERE WAS A BOMB IN THE CATERING BOX SON / / / /

We were now outside the bar…

"Kau- kauf… nn- nnh…" The guards outside are dying. They look sad, and are having a hard time not falling over. "Go- go on in…"

...I glance over at the still mentally displaced Vanilla, as she sees us off. "You might wanna give them food and water stuffs while we're gone. 'Cause, they'll die."

"Ri- right…" Vanilla gave them a pitiful look. "I did this to them…"

Yes you did. Now…

Aiko was ahead of me, standing in the road with her arms folded again. She had my mask on now, but no hat; that would be _suspect_. She's also got my suit on, except she has modest breasts and longish green hair, so she's obviously not me. She's hidden her tail pretty well, and her ears are hidden by a rather fluffy hair band.

"...If you are _ready_ , stop ogling me and follow along." Aiko beckons me, beginning to step ahead, her arms dropping to her waysides.

Once I move to keep behind her, Aiko begins to walk at her normal speed. "Let's not waste any time."

...I've also got my worn backpack on again, and now it's almost as big as my torso. The gold's in it, and it's _pretty heavy_. Not too heavy, at least, but still.

Now that I'm on the village streets again, everything suddenly seems a lot bigger.

…

As we make our way through the rather quiet square-

 _Boom, boom!_ Explosions echo in the distance, somewhere.

"As you may ascertain…" Aiko continues, ignoring the blasts. "Today likely wouldn't be the best of days to commit crime."

Is that so. Hmm.

The sun's rather bright, today. The guards that are normally on the streets don't seem to be stationed as they normally are.

...Ahead of us, six or so guards take position over one of the alleys. Aiko pays them no mind, and they don't so much as focus on us.

The men begin to aim their bows up, towards something in the sky. "Alright…" The one guy who _isn't_ aiming props his arms on his sides. "When you see something, _take the shot_."

...Then-

Marisa walks out of the alley directly ahead of us, giving us a glance before aiming her mini-hakkero at the archer formation ahead-

 _Fwoom!_ A green starburst travels towards them.

They all jump, searching the sky. "Aah- what!?"

"Where is she!?"

 _Fwi- fwi- fwish!_ They shoot arrows into the air randomly-

 _Boom- fwa- fwa- fwash!_ The starburst exploded into a big, lasting blue orb of light, which knocked everyone over.

...Stepping towards them, Marisa calls out leisurely. "Almost hit me the~re! A little more to the left, and ya woulda had me, ze!"

Well then.

Ignoring that, Aiko continues ahead.

As we progress, we near the Kirisame magic shop, before taking an abrupt left down a large alley.

...A rather spiffy-looking large alley, actually. Some distance in, the dirt shifts to stone, and the houses… why, they're actually _houses_ , instead of plywood huts. This is where we'll rob next. Maybe.

"The capitol is to the right." Aiko informs me, still pressing ahead. "At the end of the deviating road."

Okay. The village had a capitol for the council? I'd never realized this place had an actual government.

...Quickly, we get an eyeful of the capitol, approaching it.

It's full of holes, the front lobby was entirely removed- a cylindrical indentation in the ground replacing it- and, to be honest, it looks like it was out of place and ugly to begin with.

"...It's seen better days." Aiko states the painfully obvious.

"You _sure_ 'bout that…" I sass her as we approach.

This building looks like it will have a rather bland interior.

/ / / / KNOCKIN' ON MY DOO~R / / / /

As we enter, the first thing I recognize is Reimu floating away from some people in the midst of the room. This might be more awkward than anticipated.

The second thing I recognize is what the hell is this interior design. The actual council seems to be on this huge round desk along the walls of the latter half of the room, way above the actual people down here with these dinky wood chairs.

Walking forward, I try to make out how to get up there. Genuinely, how the hell-

...Looking to the side, I see who Reimu was talking with.

Brad waves an arm at me, clad in a camouflage kimono thing. "Hello, friend!" Son of a-

Hold on. 'Friend'. He doesn't recognize me, does he?

...Looking back, Brad sees Aiko, looking her up and down. He's also got company with him: some yuki-onna and some girl with a staff and ugly neon clothes, a snowflake design on her undershirt beneath her beige vest.

Little does he know. Walking back towards Aiko, I notice she's sort of expectant, as if she knew I wouldn't find a way up from this venue. Good.

"Here." Reimu returns to Brad and his friends, and he takes his gaze off of us. "This is basically where I think you guys'll do best. Try to not screw it up too hard." She's apparently recruited them, or something.

...Back outside the main room, Aiko moves to the left. "This way. There's a staircase to the upper gallery doors." 'Gallery' is an interesting way to describe it.

It takes a moment of walking through quite wide, empty halls, but eventually we reach the top of the stairs and end up at one of the doors. There's more hallway ahead, but Aiko's not interested in it.

"Here." She places a hand on the door. "...Do you simply wish to-"

I twist the handle, and it opens. She retracts her hands with extreme speed, accidentally having pushed it open, almost losing her balance in the process. "... _Apparently_."

Ignoring her, I continue into the council room…

On the way in through this door, a one-armed man gives me a blank stare, leaning back in his chair.

...Moving past him, as well as past that one rather spent-looking guard captain that executed 'plan Kazami' on Shikome and me, we make our way towards the old-looking guy in the midst of the big desk.

While Reimu talks with Brad and his retarded friends, I'll do some negotiating with who is probably the chief.

...Up here, the chief turns to look at me, blinking. "...Those… eyes." He furrows his brows.

"I'd like a~ _position_." I probably could've done this better.

Aiko sighs next to me.

...The chief frowns. "This is the Hakurei's doing, isn't it? Well, if you seek control of our council, you must first take my life."

 _Thud_. I drop the half gold bar on the desk before him.

...Nodding, eyebrows raised, he looks back over at me, sliding his hand onto the bar. "Oh- aah, yes, hrr~m…" He seemed to calm down, too. "... _What_ position was it that you wanted, now?"

"Ahem…" Let's try this again. "...I believe you have a position for…" It really doesn't matter with this amount of money, so I'll just rattle off a common corporate position. "Chief Financial Officer?"

...Oh. Reimu's next to us, looking displaced and sort of flabbergasted.

"Ah, eheh, well, yes- yes, that, yes we might- we might be able to work something out…" Patting the gold bar, the chief addresses me properly. "We've recently had a vacancy in guard captain, so I don't think our… current chief of finances will be opposed to being relocated, not at all. He's very understanding, you know?"

"When'd this happen?" Reimu starts looking for answers. Watch her instantly guess every right answer, because Hakurei are hackers.

"Oo~h, this is my friend!" The chief totally bullshits the entire situation, waving at me. "She's a- she's a prime investor at the village, you see! Yes, we were just going over some deals we've had in the… in the running for a bit now, yes." Very much so.

...Reimu looks at me closely. The things I can do to you now that you _don't_ recognize me. "Your eyes are red." Hmm. Oh well. She's friends with a lot of youkai, anyway.

"She's a fashion modeler, you know." I'm a what now. The chief smiles at me. "Like, a~... Margatroid, was it?" You're a fucking dumbass. "Moonlight?" Yes, yes, it was moonlight, sure.

...Reimu doesn't buy his shit.

Whelp, I might as well get my revenge now than later, then.

Leaning awkwardly over the desk, I reach for Reimu's soft breasts-

"What, no." She stops my hand offhandedly. "No seriously, _when_ did this happen? I was gone for two seconds, and-..." Upon seeing the gold bar, her entire body flinches back, and she just sort of basks in its existence.

Also, I didn't get tried for sexual assault upon reaching for her breasts, for whatever reason. Is this… the _power_ of being a loli?

"I am simply here to complete a transaction." The vigor I feel from my new lolism gives me the power to speak correctly without clearing my throat.

...Looking between me and the chief, Reimu sighed. "Fine. If I see or hear something weird, I'm gonna start asking questions." Naturally. I'd hate to play Wheel of Fortune with a Hakurei. They'd guess every word instantly because they're hackers.

Glancing at the ground floor, I see Brad and his hooligans begin to leave, after yelling at each other for a few moments or something.

...Now alone, we discuss our adult things.

Looking over at me, the chief nodded. "Our chief of finances isn't in right now, but I will let him know right away of the change that has taken place; you being the _new_ Chief Financial Officer."

...Huh. So it really is that easy.

"Isn't there paperwork?" Reimu tilted her head. Please, no.

"Oh, right, almost forgot…" Scooting his chair back, the chief got out of it and crouched down. "Hrr~m, let's see…"

...After a moment, he brought out-

 _Thud_. Sweet crunchy Christ. Well, that's paperwork, alright.

"Um…" He looks over the papers, looking lost himself. "...Umm…"

Reimu's brows are raised, and she just stares at the paper almost pityingly.

...Exhaling, I accept the first sheet-

-which is in Japanese. This is cool.

...I look over at Aiko. She looks down at me.

"I~ _cannot_ read." I break the news to her.

Aiko sighs… "Are you… genuine?"

"What." Reimu looks lost, herself.

Hmm. Oh, right. "I- ahem, I forgot my glasses." There.

"Sure you did…" Aiko takes the first paper. "Here, let me…"

Reimu shakes her head. "Chief, do you ever let illiterate people into the council?"

...He sort of nodded and shook his head at the same time. "Eeh. Well. Yes?"

…Reimu just cups her face with her hands. "Nn~gh."

After staring at her anguish for a few moments, I formulate the perfect response. "Do not worry, Reimu~." Reimu~.

...She gives me a dry stare.

"I'm gonna make the human village great again!" I give her a loli thumbs-up.

Her expression is simply jaded.

"This page is explaining the procedures…" Aiko slides it aside, taking the next one. "...This one has you sign off on the procedures." Setting that one aside separate from the main page, she slides the third one out, and begins reading it. There's probably six hundred something pages, by the way.

The chief's just kind of staring into space. It's _her_ turn now- and by her, I mean me. Who is technically a he. Although, now I am a she. He he. He.

…

"This page… it doesn't matter." Aiko damns one of the pages to hell, before sliding out another one. "...Another signature- chief, how much of this is important?"

"Aah, I dunno…" Good chief. "Uu~m, look for section A-T-H-V sub eleven-A. I think that was where they put the money guff."

...Deflating slightly, Aiko begins flipping through six hundred pages of indexless legal. She's probably going to need compensation for this.

/ / / / I BLESS THE RAINS DOWN IN AFRICA / / / /

I scribble my signature on to the one hundred fiftieth piece of paper. Reimu, kill me, please.

Reimu's in a chair next to us, dozing as she stares at the ceiling.

Across the grand desk of people sitting still, Ken sat in some kind of demented, desk-like hoolahoop, dazed and beaten. Marisa had come back here earlier with him.

"Kill me, Reimu." I sign off my soul for the one hundred and sixty-fourth time.

"Nnn~h." She's dead.

Scribble scribble scribble. I slide the paper away-

"Here too." Aiko slides it back to me. Fuck.

...Scribble, scribble, _scribble._ My writing is slowly becoming that of a dementia patient.

...As I write on the one hundred seventieth page, the pen's quill runs dry for the _millionth time_. It's one of those old fountain pens, and it needs to _burn in hell_. First thing I do: invest the entire economy in inventing real pens. No food, no homes, no water; pens. We will be the most literate failing third world country. We'll get to read the works of Shakespeare as fluffy cat girls tear out our guts and dismantle our infrastructure.

If you couldn't tell, _I'm bored off my ass_.

...As I sign the one hundred ninety third paper, I cup my right, non-existent breast-

Oh. That's vaguely different from how it normally feels. Hmm. I wonder how my _vagina_ feels. It does feel a little weird not having a dick. There's a slight weight missing, but at the same time you don't notice it.

What the fuck am I thinking about. As I sign the two hundredth sheet, I keep rubbing my breast-

"Stop _playing_ with yourself." Aiko gives me a disapproving stare. "We're in _public_."

...Looking up at her, I grope myself more forcefully.

"...Don't blame _me_ if it haunts you." She scoffs, and continues passing me sheets.

Some new guy walks in behind us, staring at the scene blandly…

Indifferent, I start kneading both of my plains-

Aiko grabs my pen hand, and brings it back to the paper. " _Stop_ _it_ , you horny little _cretin_. The sooner you're done, the sooner you can go deprave yourself in a public washroom or the likes." I'm bo~red.

Two hundred and ten. Fuck me.

"So…" I just realized that man is that Okita individual I met prior. Oh, right, wasn't _he_ the financial person? Hmm.

"Ah…" The chief looks over at him. "Soji. You're the new guard captain!"

"Say what." He blinks.

"...This is the new Chief Financial Officer." The chief gestures to me.

Two hundred fifteen. These small plains are peculiar compared to my previous setup…

"I… see." Okita gains a jaded expression, a commodity around these parts.

I just remembered. Shinki left me a pocket mirror.

Taking it out of my breast pocket, I look at it. So that's what I felt there too…

I have a loli face. I start making loli faces.

"I _beg_ of you…" Aiko sinks into the desk… "Be bloody _serious_ you stupid little…"

I give her a blank stare. "Do you not want to be paid?"

…

She takes this moment to look at everyone present, before simply choosing to scowl at me-

Bringing a finger to her throat, the nail extends into a claw, and she drags it across her flesh, grazing it.

That's nice.

"...Do I still keep that stipend?" Okita questioned idly.

"Hmm? Ah, yeah." The chief waved him off.

"Cool." With that, he began walking over to the guard captain's chair…

The old guard captain was still there, with his arms folded. After a moment, he looked over at Okita-

Okita picked him up by his torso. "U~p you go."

"Hey- wha- let _me down!_ " The captain began struggling, fighting Okita's arms-

" _Hua~h!_ " The new guard captain simply tossed the old one over the desk, sending him hurtling to the floor.

 _Thud!_ He hit the ground some feet below. " _Aau~gh!_ "

Okita took his chair politely, scooting in.

...The one-armed guy looked over at him, grinning. "Wha's good, mate?"

Okita gave him a nod.

"Nnn~..." Reimu rolled her head around lazily.

Bending towards me as she slid a new paper out for me to sign, she whispered. "If you so much as _jest_ at me receiving no compensation again, I'll _skewer_ you."

Oh, okay. Hmm. I don't think so. It'd probably be smarter to not test her, though.

"Absolutely none. No money." I shake my head at her again as I sign off the… I lost count. Let's say two hundred twenty.

 _Thunk_. The desk makes noise as she passes another paper, her claws digging into it momentarily, before retracting.

I give her a small loli smile. "Let's skewer those claws on the _carpet_ … _!_ "

...Aiko just stares at me.

She slides over another applicable paper, before seemingly doing a one-eighty from her angry disposition earlier.

We should sing songs.

Hey Reimu, let me explore your soft, rich plains. Shrine maidens are holy.

Paper something something. I'm slowly going insane, here.

Si~gn, and si~gn, and si~gn… and _si~ng!_ Sing the song of your people.

The shot heard 'round the world: it was the start of the revolution. Take your powder, take your guns; report to general-

"You can stop signing now." Aiko watches me sign the blank desk multiple times, no more papers left to sign.

I look at her. "Take your blankets, take your sons. Report to general lolita."

...She just blinks at me.

Thank fucking god.

...The chief's _asleep_. Reimu's _asleep_. A myriad of the council members- aside from the ones being held hostage here- are gone. Except for Okita, he's just been… doing papers of his own, or something.

Hmm. I should probably pay Aiko before she considers homicide as a viable alternative to my existence.

...Reaching into my pocket as I get out of my chair- awkwardly adjusting to my _loli legs_ \- I dig about…

Ah, there. Twenty grand yen.

Laying the twenty thousand down on the desk, I look at Aiko. "Pay."

...After a small delay, she takes the yen. "Appreciations."

...I walk over to the sleeping Reimu-

"He- hey, woah…" She snaps out of her daze as I near. "Stay back…"

No. I continue forward-

Her gohei meets my chest, pushing me back. I try to reach forward anyway, but my loli arms are shorter than my regular arms. That's going to take some getting used to.

...Looking over at the chief, she stands and starts shaking his shoulders. "Hey, hey. Get up…"

"Aah- hnnh…" He blinks his eyes open, looking around. "Aah…"

"I've finished my _stuff_ …" I gesture to the signed papers. "Ahem. So-"

"Aah, good, good…" Standing up, he begins to hobble off. "Goin' ta bed…"

...Reimu watches him hobble off. "It's not even sundown yet…"

"Oh…?" He looks out one of the holes in the ceiling. "Ah. Coulda fooled me…"

...Well, then.

...I guess we'll go-

"Hey." Reimu steps towards us.

"What is it?" Aiko responds to her as we turn-

"If you guys don't do _good things_ for the village…" The shrine maiden gives us a hard expression. "I'm kicking you out. Maybe more, if you hurt anyone."

Don't worry. Go do your shrine maiden things.

...Nodding superficially at her words, I turn-

Okita's there. "Hey."

"...Hi." I greet him idly.

"Stand aside, guard captain." Aiko tries to hustle him. "We are on our way."

He snorts at her. "That's nice. Well, while you're on your way out, I'd like a word with you."

That _is_ nice. Let's book it. Run as fast as my loli legs can carry me.

Walking lazily towards the door, I see Reimu float off as the three of us leave the largely deserted village center…

In the halls and the proceeding staircase leading outside, Okita turns to us. "You don't have to worry about the underground stuff, unless you really want to. I'll keep up on the summary reports and the internal revenue surveys; the paperwork, basically. Taxes are routinely collected by village tax collectors; you don't really have to worry about them."

Well, good. "What _do_ I do, then?" For curiosity's sake.

"I don't know. What did you _join_ for?" He looks at me with a stoic face. "Finances, sure. If it's money, you could simply collect a stipend and manage the general tax legislation and be done with it. If you want to change how money _works_ in the village or other laws, you can work towards that, but personally I've been more about the revenue myself."

Sounds fairly dynamic, but also like a huge time sink, considering how governments are.

"...Just don't step on my toes, yeah?" With that, Okita begins to walk ahead, giving us an idle wave. "I might not be the financial officer anymore, but I'm not letting anything get in my way."

That's nice.

/ / / / LOLIPALOOZA / / / /

Proceeding out of the stuffy neighborhood, we stop on the main street immediately outside…

The Kirisame magic shop is nearby. Hmm.

...I turn to Aiko as she tries to lead us away. "Hey, he~y. Hold on."

Stopping, she slowly turns to me. "What is the matter? Have you need to _potty_ , now?"

Yes. No. I point at the Kirisame magic shop. "Rob this. I'll reward you."

"I've tried." Aiko admits. "Not particularly worth it. He's keen on youkai presences, and the entire place is rigged. Above that, there's not much worth stealing besides potions. I've got far more profitable and easier marks."

Hmm. "Why don't you throw _molotovs_ at it, like you did that school?"

...Aiko jerked her head back, surprised. "Now, who told you about that? Hrrm. Suppose you may've _went there_ \- and no, this mage knows water spells. While the liquid would guarantee some damage, he'd be able to prevent it from spreading."

Water magic, huh.

Okay then. I guess that means we need to bring out the _big guns_.

/ / / / I ASK NO QUESTIONS BUT AM ALWAYS ANSWERED: WHAT AM I / / / /

Shikome steps towards the shop with us, and we stand vaguely in front of it.

...Taking a brick I found, I chuck it at the glass window of the store-

 _Ti~ng!_

...I'm forced to sidestep my own brick, the projectile bouncing off of the glass outright. Hmm.

"There you are." Aiko folds her arms, standing back.

...Looking at my predicament, Shikome casually steps away, towards an alley on the other side of the street.

Once she gets there, she travels some distance into it, before looking down and to her right-

"Eheh- eh, hey…" There was a hobo there, who was beginning to stand up. "Li- little lady…"

As he stood, Shikome watched him…

"...You're an awful pretty one." The guy smiled down at her. "Y'know, this might just…"

...Looking around, he patted his side. "A- aah, will you follow me, little girlie?"

Shikome just stares at him.

…

He starts to move. "Ah, a- come on, now. Follow uncle…!"

Shikome blinks at him.

…

After a moment, he doubles back, hobbles up to her, and begins trying to tug on her-

Shikome refuses to move, his force doing nothing. "Nn- nngh, c'mon…! I- I know a nice place, with… friends, yes- friends! Come along, now…!"

Shikome still simply stares at him.

...He tries to pull again. "Hn~gh! Gh…"

Then, Shikome starts to come back, him being dragged along by his own arms. "Aah- hey! Ugh- little- little lass! Lady! You- stop…!"

...After a moment, Shikome reaches the storefront with us, with the hobo.

He looks at us, bewildered. "Aah… who're you!? Aah- _aa~h!_ "

Shikome lifts him up with both arms, before stepping to the window front-

 _Sma~sh!_ -and tossing him through, shattering the glass window.

…

I turn to Shikome. "I don't _think_ that helps."

At that, Shikome wanders into the same alley _again_.

This time, there was a guy waiting for her. "Hey. Hey, what's up?"

She walks up to him, and looks up at him.

"Hey, yeah, I saw what you did." The guy takes a few steps back. "Youkai _bitch_. You're real pretty, y'know that?"

Sliding out a sharp pocket knife, he waves it about, grinning. "Think you're real tough, huh? I'll ram this knife down your throat, right through your sharp fuckin' teeth."

As he strafes around, Shikome just stands still, watching him…

"I bet you'll go for a nice price." Walking around her more calmly, as she rotates to keep him in sight, he stretches. "That was my friend back there, you know. We do 'contracting'. Someone like you was _born_ to be contracted. Catch my drift?"

...Shikome's still just watching him.

...Stopping, he brings his arms up. "I think I'll.. try you out first!" He rushes forward, thrusting straight at Shikome-

She's now behind him-

 _Cr- crack_. His arm was bent backwards, Shikome having grabbed it and brought it with her.

"Gh- _ff~h…!_ " Doubling back, the guy fell on his rear. " _Fu~ck!_ "

Letting go of his useless arm, Shikome turned to face the lying man properly-

 _SHINK!_

...In an instant, a myriad of tendrils lurched out of her form, spiking into him and pinning his corpse to the floor.

As she retracted her bloody tendrils- well over twenty of them- she began dragging the dead man back by his bloody scalp.

I look over at Aiko, to see her sort of surprised by the visual, her eyebrows raised. She's more interested than she's looked in her entire life, I'm sure.

After a moment, Shikome returned to the storefront with the corpse, the few villagers on the road quite receptive about crossing the bloody trail she left in her wake.

With the corpse here now, Shikome positioned herself over him. She began to reel her arm back…

Shadows of some sort began to run up her arm, as she reeled it back as far as she could-

 _Whack!_ Dropping down, she thrusts the arm into the dead man's gut. From there, black begins to spread across his clothes and skin-

Shi- shink- pop, shink. Tendrils of black shade begin to flail about from within his cavity that Shikome made.

Standing, Shikome held the corpse by the indent she made, before reeling her arm back again and-

 _Woosh!_ -whipping it at the open window.

That old guy Shikome threw in was trying to get up. "O- ooh… Ki- Kirisame~. Help-"

Bam- thud! It bounced off of a counter, knocking it over before falling onto the guy. "Oof!"

...Hmm. That may've-

Thu- thu- thunk, thunk thunk, thunk! The wood inside starts creaking, for some reason.

…

Slowly, I begin to see something black and grey rise from the interior of the store…

 _Cra- crack!_ _Boom!_ The front of the store begins to shatter, as large roots take hold and pierce it-

" _Aaa~h!_ " The first hobo we cast inside isn't having fun. "Aa- ah- nghk…!"

 _Bam!_ The roof of the store is smashed as a large, expanding and growing shaft began to pierce the top-

Cla- clack clack, clack. Weird noises are heard from the opposite end of the store-

The ground starts to lightly shake as what looks like a tree rapidly erects, stretching to its full height of about three stories, with stick-like branches being the last things to permeate from the top as the final roots start to spread halfway out into the street.

Aiko and I distance ourselves from the roots, but Shikome stands in the midst of them as they spread, until they stop.

This has left a tall tree sticking out of pretty much the entire magic shop. It's surely uninhabitable now.

...After a moment of admiring it, Shikome pivots around and trots back to me, looking quite pleased with the results. Smug and casually aggressive.

Well then. That should be sufficient. I half wanted to rob the place for a bed, but I'm not sure if it exists anymore.

…

"What was the point of this?" Aiko gives me a dry stare. "You _do_ realize you've likely just increased villager and heroine awareness by _tenfold_ by doing this?"

Marcus looked at me funny one time. That, and I didn't know Shikome would nuke the establishment. That kind of makes robbing it hard. "...Didn't tell her to like, _tree_ it."

...Aiko snorted. "Mmm. Should you not punish her for insubordination?"

"Gimme advice on _how_ to _do_ that." I give her a dry stare in return.

...She looks back at the death loli, only to see her closer to her. "Fair point. On that note, I'm not sure I see you disciplining anyone at all, really." With that, she distances herself from Shikome…

Shikome is behind her-

Aiko is across the road, wind from her movement meeting me on a delay.

"We'll see who's the one to be punished by the end of this…" Shikome gives the cat a flat stare.

...Aiko nods from her new position. "Ye~s. We~ll, then…"

Looking back at me, she tilts her head. "Are we _done_ with your whims, for today?"

"Yeah." I would suppose. Tomorrow I'll have her put to work restoring our stocks and getting me an actual bed, perhaps.

...With that, the cat girl pivots around on her heels. "Carry on, then. _Stealth Walk!_ "

 _fwi- fwish_. Purple rings slowly relay from where she was standing before me, as her form flickered out.

Clack, clack, clack. I heard her footsteps from an adjacent rooftop, slowly losing volume as she moved off.

Fluffy kitty.

Shikome's disappeared from the left of my vision.

"We'll... luxuriate back at our domicile…"

I need an adult-

Woah. What's-

Oh. Shikome just grabbed my ass. Not something I feel every day. Or, as a matter of fact, any day.

 _I need the cops_.

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

END OF CHAPTER 76.5

PROTAGONIST: Matthew, the Debatably Sane Outsider, Lord of Edges, Scissor-Slinging Slasher, Insurance Fraud Expert, Used Goods Reseller, Evil Spirit Cultivator, Shrine Maiden Evader, Professional Youkai Developer, Legitimate Business Man, Trans-Loli

PRIMARY WEAPON: Dash Scissors - Succubus training tool. Allows horizontal quick-dashes, for dodging and agility purposes. Doubles as scissors for kinky, cloth-cutting occasions. Or stabbing. Sleek, black design.

OFFHAND ITEMS: [A Single Rubber Glove] - For those moments one needs to touch a live power wire with one hand and fap with the other.

INVENTORY:

Pocket Mirror - For admiring my loli-ness, and other mirror-related activities. Contained in suit pockets.

[Bag of Holding] - Takes up no inventory space, because it is the inventory space. Has nine slots, and is easily accessible.

Steel Scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Quick Scissorang - Non-elemental scissors that are enchanted to return to the owner with ferocity. Not that powerful of a weapon, but combined with strong string it can be used like a powerful grappling hook. Looks like it belongs in a Barbie catalog.

Shadow Hell Scissors - Fire elemental scissors. Ignites with every swing. Boosts power of fire spells. Forty percent fire resistance. Increases comfort when near fire. Allows user to cast Fire, Hellfire, Dark Fire, and Dark Fira.

Blessed Steel Scissors - Stained lightly with dried blood from a young human female. Sharp, shiny-ish, and to the point! Also blessed...

Steel-alloy String - An experimental item provided by Alice as part of her testing. She uses these herself to manage her dolls, or so I'm told.

A Tuft of Cloth Strings - Pink, regular cotton string. It's soft, and clean.

Danger Scissors Plus - Let's get dangerous. Randomly spawns anything from anywhere at any time at all, dependent on the power of the party or people around it while it is equipped.

(one more space remaining)

[Backpack] - Allows extended inventory, of twenty slots. Can hold larger items, but it takes longer to pull them out. Items inside are safer. It's also baby barf green.

Hedge Cutters - Rusty lawn pruning tool used by farmers to keep the vile hedges at bay. They're also sharp, so they've probably been used more than once in self-defense.

Teal Stone - Cool and refreshing to hold, exuding power of the wind. It's sort of shiny, too. Perhaps usable as a reagent.

Hackjob Rifle - A pseudo-railgun, made from an AK-47 barrel and a mangled toy gun. Laced with duct tape and wires to function, powered by electrical scissors, and uses small iron pellets as ammunition. Explodes violently if fed anything non-iron as ammo. Outside is coated with vegetable oil and must be wetted regularly to avoid violence upon powering up. Quite powerful.

Water Scissors - Scissors that continuously produce water. How troublesome. 

Goldfish Snack Crackers - They're smiling. They might make a good snack...

Modern-ish Surge Protector - Protects against surges. Not very useful without unified electrical practices in housing. Can still be used as a paperweight and a brick, though.

[Rubber Pouch] - Stores electrical objects safely. Too small to add extra inventory, but doesn't take up any space when it's filled. Currently holding electric scissors.

Electrical Scissors - Must be held by gloves at all times, lest they cause electrical fires. Can cause severe shocking and electricity-induced stunning in individuals susceptible, including myself if I'm stupid. Unable to be turned off.

Holy Pot - A torso-sized holy pot used as a vehicle by flufflekind. Has holy properties and resistances for obvious reasons.

Financial Officer's Card - A card handed to me by the chief financial officer of the human village. Bears a complex triangular insignia and shines depending on the angle you hold it. Has some Japanese printed on it.

(eleven more spaces remaining)

==o==

PARTY:

Shikome, the Black Scion of the Saigyou

WEAPON: Dark Tendrils - Able to create tendrils from any part of her body, she can use them for powerful dark/physical attacks.

INVENTORY:

[Defiled Kimono] - Coated in the coagulated blood of numerous unlucky people. Grants pockets.

(two inventory spaces remaining)

==o==

Rumia, Youkai of the Dusk

WEAPON: Unarmed.

INVENTORY:

[Rumia's Outfit] - Some kind of outfit. I'm not sure how Rumia maintains it. Properties unknown. Grants pockets.

Red Ribbon - It's a ribbon in her hair. It's small, too. Takes up no inventory space. Properties unknown.

(two inventory spaces remaining)

==o==

Vanilla, the Loli Vampire

WEAPON: Unarmed.

INVENTORY:

[Cloak] - A dull black cloak. No inventory space, but takes up none when worn.

(no inventory space)

==o==

Mako, Myouren Healer

WEAPON: Healer Sentinel Staff - A staff that boosts the power of physical reinforcement magic and healing spells. Allows the user to cast Renew and Refresh.

INVENTORY:

Monk Outfit - A robe for monks. Looks warm. Takes no inventory, because it's worn and is the inventory.

(four inventory spaces remaining)

==o==

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

the matt man is back man

he's the leader of the bunch

you know him well

he's tinier, girlier,

and weaker too

he's the loli member of the loli crew

anyway yeah we turned matt into a loli

life comes at you fast dude

anyway

this was a pretty fun chapter and we got some of shinki's demon tourism in there dude

s'also just really saturated with good moments and fluency and STUFF and setting and ooh ho ho

went some fun places and accomplished fun things!

well there was more child trafficking but mako's a willing if undereducated participant so that's a thing

also bubonic plague succubi from the demon world; they're quite charmers

the most important development of this chapter is that matt got a tiny pocket mirror to admire his own loliness with dude

oh yeah and he's on the village council now, _while_ all the heroines are like hornets to a tiny defenseless ant colony; that's going to be a clash of jet streams

but above that shikome gets to touch him inappropriately and violate united states workspace employee safety codes

fortunately however we're in gensokyo so it's really up to whoever sees to call their shots on it yo

as always, see you all next time!

==o==

CO-AUTHOR'S NOTE:

this batch has taken so long i can barely even remember what happened when this was written

but it's kinda hard to forget being turned into a loli isn't it

literally the highlight of the damn thing, and it was pretty much a spontaneous decision in that regard. but no regrets yo

i say spontaneous but it does have its purpose. it's not a one-time half-off type of deal, and it's certainly not made in China either

it can be sort of difficult keeping track of every single event that has occurred in the story to maintain the continuity (there's more than a million words of the damn thing) but the important bits should be memorable enough to not fuck up later

i think there was a plot to this thing now-something about the village council-but who cares about that. it's got murder, rape, sex trafficking, and lolis. what more could you ask for?

if anyone is wondering why there are so many lolis: it just kinda happened. yeah.

mrry crsms n hppy nw yr


	98. The Village Never Hurt Anyone

(in which the village is trustworthy)

We leave the like… fifth bar this day. We've kind of got a system to things now!

"Earthen Spirits, check…" Maria writes an X next to another bar. "That makes five."

Really, it's pretty much as simple as walking in and asking 'are you being illegal' and they just kind of let you search, some bein' more paranoid than others, but all of them coming up relatively clean. One dude _did_ need ta see my badge, but the smaller bars don't really care.

"The day is growing late…" Staring up at the dimming sky, Genkan slows a little. "Perhaps just a few more, then we rest."

"That sounds good…" Maria agrees to this. "I'll probably be all tired out by then."

Ho~h. Yeah, I probably would be, too. I haven't gotten into any more _bar brawls_ but oof. Can I cast ice magic on _myself?_

...As we continue down the village road, Maria looks down at her list again, checkin' it twice! Well, more like the fifteenth time now, but the sentiment still stands! "This next place is called… Lovely Lagoon." Oh.

Genkan furrowed her brows. "Lovely Lagoon? That sounds improper."

"It sounds like a strip joint!" I will be honest with you, yo! "We might actually find something shady there…!" Like… we've gone to _five bars_ and two of them were almost mom and pop-type places. One was a generic place, one was _Brisk Barrel_ , which was curiously tame, and then one was like Brisk Barrel but with less people and less violence… and _less_.

"...This is true." Genkan doesn't look entirely enthused. "Let us head there next, then."

"It's another place on the rim of the village, but not quite." Maria starts walking ahead. "Come on, guys."

We mo~ve, through the stree~ts! All day, villagers just haven't felt like coming out. Maybe it's cold, I can't really tell. Maybe they're just freakin' rattled by the explosions and the kabooms and the shit…!

Arriving at the square, Maria leads us towards the job board. "Let's see if there's anything new…"

"There's probably nothing new." Genkan is not optimistic!

"...Well, I just like checking it." Maria reinforces her stance! "It's kinda funny sometimes. And, a little telling of the village, if I'll be honest…"

As we approach the board, we look it up and down! I… cannot tell if anything has changed! Too many papers…!

...After a moment of reading, Maria revealed stuff to us! "They fired that Tao guy, and guard captain Hagane." Aw. Get owned. "...Umm. That's about it. We _have_ only been gone for a few hours."

"I should hope they laid off _some_ of those _fine minds_ of the council." Genkan had a flat expression. "Genuinely…"

"...Yeah." With that, Maria carried forward again. "That place should be this way, or so…"

The sky began to give way to a dim blue as the sun began to set in the background…

Hoh. It's rather pretty out…

"Maria." Genkan makes herself known!

...Half-pausing, Maria turns back towards her, our collective pace slowing. "Ye- yeah?"

"What was the school like?" Ooh. This insight came outta nowhere, sort of…! Good 'ol Yumi, yo.

"...It was fun." Maria gave the kind of non-answer I'd give my own parents. "Sort of. Well, it was something to do."

"...Something to do." Genkan echoed her answer. "...Did you have any friends?"

Pausing further, Maria seemed a bit displaced. "Aah. Well… not _really_. I didn't really want to be friends with the other kids. We didn't have much in common." Ooh. There's something _we_ have in common…!

"...I see." Genkan nodded… "Pardon my curiosity. Also, did Kamishirasawa teach alone? That's about what I'd been hearing."

"Well… yes and no." Maria began to press forward again, but still went slow. "She always had to change out teachers and stuff. We had a few regulars, though, 'cause they were good people. A lot of people came to her with less than honest intentions, and she'd flush them out. I hear she's got scrying spells in every classroom…"

Scrying, ah? Keine's playin' tricks, man…!

"...I suppose it's necessity." Genkan seemed vexed, for some reason. "...What causes this volatility?"

...Me and Maria look towards her kinda curiously!

"...Allow me to clarify." She reads our own vexation! "What causes the human villagers to be… so volatile?"

"Oh…" Maria kept moving forward… "I… don't know."

...Didn't know Genkan asked those sortsa questions, yo! Lookin' back at her, I smirk. "...Wha' was that about all humans bein' evil?"

She pans her head over to me. "What I've seen recently has… rapidly altered my perception. While I'm certain humanity at large suffers some kind of crippling dementia, it's not out of place to wonder _why_. Especially when there are exceptions..."

...That was a really roundabout way of callin' us not bad people, wasn't it? Although…!

"Yeah." Can't help but agree, really! I really would like to know what other people are thinking. Well… "Seems like these villagers don't really… _do much_ together." I decide. I really don't see much mingling on the streets.

...Genkan looks to Maria. "Is this true?"

"...Yes and no." Aa~h! "We have stuff where villagers get together, and things like that. Just, outside of festivals and stuff in the square, no one wants to be outside. The village is dangerous, and only a few kinds of people… like, are okay, in that sort of environment..."

The village is _dangerous_. Accurate but disheartening statement!

"So, socialization is a little weak for that…" Maria admits. "I think."

I mean… if we wanted to look at like, why so many people are scumbags, we'd look at their upbringings, and how the common village upbringing is.

"...That's unfortunate." Genkan states the obvious…!

Maria agrees. "It really is."

I wanna know, now… "Sa~y. How would ya say the common villager upbringing is like? How long's Keine's school _last_ , anyway?"

...Maria peers back at me for a moment, raising a brow. "Um. Okay, I guess. And, her school takes... a few years to get through. She typically separates classes, so older and younger students aren't together, but mostly only young children attend at all, so… yeah. You can generally attend from the moment you're around ten until you turn twenty or twenty-five." Hu~h.

That's interesting. Pretty different from how school is handled otherwise…

Also, quality of life. "How happy are people here, generally?"

Maria focuses on me, expression sardonic. "Do you really think any of us are happy?" ...Oh. Ow~...!

...Then, she stops, turning to me fully. "I- I'm sorry. It's just… sorry." Pivoting around, she marches ahead again.

...Genkan simply sighs, giving me _some kind_ of stare. Why're ya starin' at me…!?

"...Just askin' some _statisticalmystical_ questions, yo." Time to fix this conversation up, with Flex Tape! "Didn't mean to, aah-"

"I- I know." Maria slows again… "I'm just being… unreasonable, right now-"

"About what?" Genkan swoops in with the interjection…!

Maria grins at her! "You were just giving _him_ a stare, and then you say that…!" Now _that's_ a _lotta damage!_

...After taking a moment to process this, Genkan raises her brows. "...True. Even so." Wahaha!

...I mimic her stare back at her, and she shakes her head. "Come, now…"

...

"This village just kind of makes me angry." Maria resolves, after a moment of thought. "My dad died, my mom died, my stepfather died, my… _people_ were awful, school was… okay, at least, and… everyone in this village either doesn't wanna talk to you, has nothing to talk about... or just wants to drag you down. I hate most of this place."

Considering how many chapters I've just been freakin' tossed around here, I can relate! At least Keine's sane again and not freakin' chasing me down.

...Staring ahead at that, Genkan doesn't vocalize anything about it herself.

"Societies're fun, yo." Especially this decrepit one! Lot'sa _fear_ , which is probably the preferred outcome now that I think about it… for all the youkai involved anyway.

"Perhaps we should search that bar, before waxing philosophical." Genkan reminded us of the task at hand! "They're bound to close eventually."

"O- oh, yeah…!" Maria was reminded! "Yeah, let's get going!"

After we romp ahead at a slightly accelerated pace, we're there!

Outside looks just as dusty and dirty as the places around it, which is pretty much a running theme for the whole village. There's Japanese on the front on a big sign, illegible to me.

"Lovely Lagoon…" Maria reads it off. "I'm banking on it _not_ being a combination strip club bar…"

"You've jinxed us." Genkan begins to hang her head…

"A- aah…" Maria softly recoils at her mistake…!

...Then, she begins moving inside. "Won't know until we find out…"

The door's pretty neat, though. One of those standard wood doors with a little crossed window on the top, rather than _saloon swinging doors_.

Di- di~ng. As Maria swings it open, a little bell rings. Hoh.

...As we process inside, the place is pretty _well lit_. Like, there're uniform rows of hanging candles from brass chains across nearly the whole ceiling, keeping the place very well lit.

The inside is very posh and clean. There's green paint on the interior walls, along with brown-painted wooden beams stretching up to the ceiling… which look kinda like chocolate bars! The windows into the place are sort of cluttered with curtains, as well as what looks like menus on signs and a tall booth that seems to be kinda walled in except from the outer window. With like, Japanese dividers.

There're some nice-looking generic people in here, eating food, wining and dining… normal people stuff. Girls in _dresses_ , even! Dudes in _dress clothes!_ Now _we're_ the barbarian people!

...We get _stares_ as we enter, that's how different we are!

At the bar counter ahead is this _spiffy-lookin'_ dude, with glasses and short scraggly hair, and this like button-up dress shirt with suspenders. Freakin'...

We make our approach…!

As we near the barren counter, he gives us a prompt little wave and leans into the counter. "Hey- how ya doing?"

"Good." I nod at floofy man. Now, as we've learned from _trial by fire_ … "We're here to _investigate!_ Orders from high up, we investimagate _all_ the bars! No touchy touchy unless we find somethin' fucky fucky, y'know man…!?"

…

Was that _really_ overdoing it? Was it really, yo!? No- don't you stare at me, Genkan…!

"Orders from _who?_ " The guy narrows his eyes at me, but only _slightly_.

Oo~h. Might need that badge this time 'round! "Reimu Hakurei, yo." Hakurei is bae.

...At that, he plops a bartender standard dish cloth onto the counter. "I'm afraid I'll have to ask you three to _leave._ "

Alright, son. Reachin' into my bag, I pull out tha' _badge_.

"Also, the youkai hunting thing." I shine my badge at 'em repeatedly…! "'Cause _yeah._ "

"I'll see your badge revoked- if you don't leave…" He glares me down, just kinda starin' me out. Freakin'...

"Go ahead, yo." Double dog dare ya, _son_. "Can we search first?" This guy looks spiffy enough for me to get my way by being an annoying piece of shit…!

"Seriously, I'll have you reported, if you don't leave." He waves me off! "We- we have _customers_ here- and you're kind of… well, I don't mean to be rude- you're just-"

" _Please,_ dude!" Clamp hands together and shake 'em 'cause that might do something! "We just wanna search- you can _watch us_ , yo."

"...What are your names?" Shaking his head, he looks around. "Don't have a paper- hrrm- hold…" He starts searching his suit, before-

He pulls out a notepad and a _real_ , modern pen! Hoh, shit, modernism son! "What are your names?"

"Bobby Andy." I give the good name.

...He looks over at Maria.

"Ah…" She blinks. "Ya- Yami… Blue." Wat.

He nods at this. Oh, okay. Then, he looks over Genkan…

"White Snow." If only you'd reversed the words, yo. Snow White and the seven Gary Stus. Actually- I should write that one down somewhere…

With our 'names' down, he frowns at the notepad, before slipping his stuff away. "I'm reporting you to the IRD…" The _who_. Aw- we're _reported_ , dude! This is what we get for hacking at Pizza Hut Tycoon V-point-two-point-three.

"Oh no." I monotone. "So can we?"

" _No._ " Shaking his head, he folds his arms. "...Who _really_ sent you?"

"Me." This freakin'- "Can we?"

"No." He frowns deeper!

"But can we?" C'mon…!

"N- no." Son!

"But can we?" I'm gonna…!

"Yo- you're going to jail…" He looks away, glaring at the distance. "You know that- right? You're going to _die_ in there." Alright, son!

…

Maria tries, next. "Pl- please, mister."

...After a moment, he looked over at her.

Genkan speaks, too. "We would-"

"You said you worked for that shrine maiden, right…?" Approaching the counter proper, he looks us all over.

"Ye." Boy talked over Genkan, he did. Oof.

…

"I'll let _her_ search." He points to Maria. "I would like- I would like you two to stay here."

Uuh? "...Why." I- ah, what. "Why, yo."

"I- I trust her…!" He nods at me like this is obvious! "She- she's not some shady debt collector like _you_ people."

"Son." This _dude_ , my dudes…!

"We go two at a time, or we search by force." Genkan asserts herself! "We-"

"I- I…" He looks her up and down. "Youkai, right?"

"Sure." Genkan gives a non-answer-

"No can do." He shakes his head.

"What would it _take…_ " Press my arms on the counter! "...To getcha ta let us _search ya_ without knockin' your socks off!?"

He jerks his head back. "I- I beg- what…?" So~n…!

Genkan huffs. "You have ten seconds." Oh…!

"Wh- what…!?" Looking back and forth between me and her, he starts moving for the back rooms. "Alright! alright! Search! Just- let me lead, okay? You-..."

Trailing off, he turns and enters the back rooms.

...I look over at Maria, pointing where he went. "Ya know this dude?"

"No…" Maria denies it. "I've never seen him before."

That's weird. Maybe he's just got a thing for chicks, but Maria's _young_ and all. What's even the proper age of sexification in this village…!? Is there one!?

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We are now… in the back.

This place is _also_ fancy. Also- is this room as big as the front face of the bar, or what?

"Here's the _kitchen_ …" He half-heartedly shows us this room. "I- I swear- if you break anything- I…"

...Looks like a _kitchen_. Aisle with counters in the middle, a classic-lookin' stove, some barrels for drinkage.

"Brad." Genkan holds out a hand…

I give her Fairy Harp, and she holds it up-

 _Woo~sh!_ After channeling mana into it, she made all the cabinets open with the wind.

...After looking around a little, she nods. "This room is fine."

...There're _three doors_ out of this room, and they're all sealed, as the wind didn't kick 'em open.

This place was not as big on the outside. I think. "Alright, yo…"

As I march towards the back door, the guy gets in front of it. "Can-... leave."

"No, noob. I'm _nuzzleable_." I assure him of my nuzzleability. "Open up…!"

…

C'mo~n, noob. Open up! Freakin'...

"Do we have to do this for _every_ room?" I freakin'- enh…

...He presses himself against the door. "This is my room. You don't have to look in there."

Yeah- okay. "Now we have to _especially_ look in there! Son- just freakin'-"

"Hey…" Maria speaks up!

...The guy looks at her, before allowing himself a small smile. "Yes, sweetie?"

"Can you set aside that flintlock along your pants?" Maria's staring at his knees. Aah…?

Oh, she wasn't making a boner joke. I don't quite see anything, though…

...He just smiles. "Oh, you kids. Come on- this is my room-"

"You guys see it, right?" Maria looks over at us. "It's not uncommon for villagers…" Uh?

...I'll play along to put pressure on the boy. "Yeah, yo. Dirty noob, dude, dirty noob."

"Stop lying and just go away!" The guy grimaces at me. "I didn't do anything wrong!"

"Seriously, son." I hold out a hand. "Just let us search, yo, and it'll be easier. We won't take _nothin'._ Pardon the freakin'- double negative. I think." Help.

...He just kinda stares at us-

"That flintlo~ck." Maria stresses again. "Please, at least hold it out so- so we can clearly see it. It makes us uneasy."

...At that, he sighs, before crouching down slowly-

 _Rip!_ What the fuck…?

The side of his right pant leg came off like velcro, and he slipped a flintlock out from inside. "Fi- fine. I-"

"Hold it... by the barrel, one- one hand." Maria insists. "Please."

"Okay…" Flipping around, he holds it by the barrel with one hand as instructed. "Yo- you're making me feel very unsafe right now- we're going to court over this. I shouldn't be doing this."

"Yeah, yeah, you can sue us later." I wave my hand at him, and stomp in place. " _Open_ the _door_ , ya _freakin'..._ "

"Okay…" Turning around, he twists the knob-

Cli- click. The way he twisted it made it open without needing a key, the door swinging open readily. For some reason, the inner frame's a little wider than the door itself, as it swings out.

This room i~s indeed a bedroom! We must search _everything_ \- except for the bedsheets and the pillows! Actually, idea…

As Genkan raises Fairy Harp to wooshy woosh search everything, I raise my arm up to cast…!

 _Woosh_. The few cabinets this room has fling open, and the bedding ruffles a little.

 _Poof_. A crusty pillow descends from the heavens, landing on his bedspread. "Here, dude. Pillows…"

Maria blinks. "Ooh. I didn't know you could make pillows…"

Ahah. "Ah- yeah. He, he. He he, he he." Flat maybe giggles, son.

"Wha- what are you doing…!?" He runs up to the bed. "What are these!?" Reaching forward with his offhand, he grabs one of the pillows, and holds it up. "I- it's crusty. Is it a bomb…!?"

Are you _mental._ "Freakin'- no, it's a pillow with my fermented jizz on it!"

He flings his arm, throwing himself away from the bed! Pff- wohahaha~!

...I don't think my party members even believed me, judging by the dry stares rather than actual disgust!

Crouching down, I look under the bed. No~ trap door lookin' things, no guns, no… things. Nothing!

...There's even a little, _little_ window outside in the back of the room. Hoh…

"Place seems clean- in the 'illegal stuff' way." Ho ho. With that, I start to continue back into the main room…

"Next room." Genkan drifts past me, moving for the next side door in the kitchen.

Drifting up to this door, she jiggles the handle. It rattles, but doesn't open.

"Hold on- let me…" He moves to the door himself, and Genkan floats out of the way…

Cli- click. The door clicks weirdly as he swings it open…

Inside i~s… shelves. Okay.

 _Woosh_. Genkan makes the room woosh with the hanger again, and the shelves all flick open. Marchin' inside, I make a quick runabout, and just see supplies and stuff.

"Not mu~ch in here…" Mmm. "Just… stuff and things, but nothing weird."

"Good. No- now leave." The guy wants us to skedaddle _again_ …!

"There's one room left, son." Freakin'...

"Be patient." Genkan's probably affirming this to both of us! "We're almost done…"

Walking up to the last door, guy person-

 _Cli- click_. -works his weird freakin' voodoo shit on it, and swings it open. "Go- go in."

I march inside!

This room's dark by comparison to the others; there being one dim torch in the back and all. A bunch 'a barrels line the walls, and that's about it. Seems ta be a drink holding place that's different from the main kitchen.

"Barrels are cuddly." I express my affection for barrels, dude. They're round and tubby, and _tubbable_ -

 _Woosh_. Genkan's air surge just makes the room rattle, somewhere in the middle. Nothing else happens, though.

I adventure deeper in, and see there _is_ a door to the side, here. It's a little worn, and smaller than the others. I reach forward and jiggle the handle, but it doesn't open either.

"Oh…" The guy walks in and looks at it with me, Genkan 'n' Maria approaching as well. "That's- that's a closet I never found the key for."

Reaching forward, he jiggles the handle. "Might be _stuck_ , haha. I dunno what." That _laugh_ , yo.

Stuck, huh. "Aw, dude. We could open it for you-"

"It- it's okay." He waves his hand. "Don't wanna replace the door- and- and…"

...You know what I just thought of? "Y'know son, we can make _skoolatoon keys_ out of ice-"

"I- I wanna open it myself…!" He decided. "And…! That day… it- it will come, eventually! I- my family, there's- a secret, and…"

Moving towards the door, he starts to get in the way. "Ple- please…"

...Well, if we can't unlock it, there's only one way to do it!

Reaching into my bag, I draw the _Bawmber_. "Move outta the way, son."

"What's that…?" He eyes it feverishly…! "What is that!?"

"A _bomb_ , son." Wahaha! "We're blowin' this door up!"

"I…!" His eyes are wide!

…

He puts both hands onto his flintlock, flipping it-

 _Fwash!_ Both hands were frozen to the pistol, the weapon trapped in a block of ice. Genkan's quicker on the draw, yo!

"Rrgh…!" Frustrated and alarmed, he thrust forward-

Genkan grabbed onto his side, immobilizing him. "Stop."

"I- I know the guard!" The guy begins to yell! "I know the council! I'll get you _hung! Idiots!_ "

"Freakin'...!" This _boy!_ "If you'd just _relaxed_ and let us _open stuff_ , you'd'a been fine!"

Can you imagine if there was really just some family heirloom behind this door? Freakin'- with how much this guy whines, I almost feel a little guilty about going all SWAT officer on his shit, but he's been _really_ uncooperative.

Alright…

...Lookin' to the sides, I see the wine barrels are a little too close to the door for comfort. "Genkan- couldja freeze the wine? Just so I don't _blow us all up_ if the blasts set any of the nearby barrels off…!" Not sure if that's how it works, but not taking any risks!

"Mmm." She nods, before casting a hand around-

Krik- crack- crack, krik krik. Stuff freezes and snaps…

"You are all making a _big_ mistake." The guy insists! "You do not have _any idea_ how… how _idiotic_ you all are being!" Aw~. Idi _otic_ , dude.

"Maria, cast ice stuffs on me after each kaboom." I am gonna get my teeth kicked in! I don't expect this door to fold _easy_. They seem kinda _thick_ , even if just wood.

"Al- alright." She nods at me.

...I run up to the door and lunge into it!

 _Boom!_ Oo~h…!

 _Fwa~sh!_ Ice strikes my back, undoing the pain! "Oo~kay. Frea-"

 _Boom!_ Another strike, a~nd my arms aren't really liking-

 _Fwa~sh!_ More frost! Reloaded, recharged, and ready for-

 _Boom!_ -a nice long nap, and maybe a shoulder massage-

 _Fwa~sh!_ All this weird healing and hurting makes me feel freakin' _weird_. Arms still hurt, body feels good, and there's an awkward inbetween where pain just throbs _occasionally_ into the rest of me. Ooo~...

On the upside, the door's looking sadder. Cracked a bit, scorched a bit, a~nd… yeah.

"Perhaps…" Genkan drifted past me, still holding onto the noob-

 _Fwa~sh!_ Ice ran along the door, as she rested a hand on it. "Try now." Once she finished, she began to drift back and away, the entire door frozen.

Yeah, this looks easier. Reeling the hanger back, I hit the door again-

 _Boom- Cra~ck!_

Oof…!

The ice chunks all collapse inward, the wood shattering into chunky parts. Yo ho ho…!

 _Fwa~sh!_ Maria heals me up, yo. Ooo~...

"Is it working?" She examines me curiously… I think she means the healing, since the door's _broke now_.

"Ye." Nodding, I move for the room ahead.

...Well, for one thing, this ain't no _closet._ It's also way too dark to see anything more than a foot in- and the wall way in is _ultra_ thick.

...Takin' out Youkai Inconveniencer, I put away my _bomb_ -

" _Stop!_ " The guy yells! " _Sto~p!_ "

Yeah, yeah. Turning on the flashlight-

There's a pile of boxes in the middle of the room. On the left side of the room're… what're those, shackles? Uuh.

...I move up to the boxes. "Genka~n."

She thrusts up with an arm-

 _Kri~ng!_ An ice blade erects from the floor, smashing aside the boxes and stabbing into the ceiling.

 _Shoo~f…_ After a moment, it sinks back into the ground, revealing a cellar door it broke on the way up.

"Yo- you all…!" The guy starts yelling! "I- I'm not-"

 _Fwa~sh!_ Genkan seems to have frozen him solid. "...He was moving to attempt hitting me." Ha~h, no shit…? Freakin'...

Lookin' down into the cellar, I see a _dirt slope_ going down deeper into the place.

With my flashlight aimed down the hall, I drop down into the small indent in the floor and crouch down to get past the floor on my way into the dirt land. Freakin'... this is _pretty sketchy._

"I'll keep the bartender here." Genkan calls out to us from above, as Maria hops down into the shaft with me. "Call if you need help." She's right, the boy could have some anti-status shit or somethin' weird on him. I know that one _kappa_ did...

"Aye~." And now, into the abyss…!

…

As we start to come into a part where the tunnel widens, Maria exhales. "This is… so _weird_. Do you think we found something?"

Maybe. Probably. That, or the dude just likes basements. I mean, Maria had a deeper shaft under her house, although it was pretty clearly not put there by her.

Inside this bottom room, I pan my light to the right. Oo~h. There's some crates blocking an entrance way to some _other_ tunnels, which look more like the ones we used to get to the statue room. This room looks like a crappy D.I.Y. by comparison.

"...Haa~h…" Breathing, huh. Alright, what freakin' _noob_ is-

I pan the light to the left and _oh boy._

After shining my light around, I stopped it on a wood post. There was a girl there, one who looked to be about Maria's age, tied up to the top and the bottom, naked. "Haa~h…" She let out a breath, eyes shut from the light from my hanger. "A- ah…"

Maria had her hands over her mouth. "O- oh…!"

Well. I think we just found something _more than a little_ fucked up.

"Oh- oh my god…" Stepping towards her, Maria passed through the light as she got closer.

"Aa- aah…" The girl began to struggle against the ropes as Maria neared.

I move up to 'em, too. I think Sharper than Darkness'll work on the ropes on the post.

"Are- are you…" Maria tries to speak to her, only to catch herself. "...You- you're…!"

Takin' out the _applicable hanger_ , I work on the ropes, sawing through 'em kinda sorta quickly-

"To- Tomi…" Maria put her arms on her shoulders-

"N- nnh…!" The girl jittered at the touch, before going still.

"...What happened?" Maria was just at a _loss_ for words. "Tomi…"

 _Snap!_ Top ropes're done!

...Tomi's arms flop to her sides. Whelp.

...As Maria helps her not fall into oblivion, I crouch down and work on the bottom ropes keeping her ankles in place. It's a little weird, 'cause I have to keep like my shoe on the holy hanger for light, but otherwise I can focus on sawing.

I'd ask if Maria knew her- she seems to- but this seems like a _bad time_ if there was ever a time that was bad.

... _Snap!_ Bottom ropes done, yo.

The girl kind of flops into Maria's arms…

"Sh- she _smells_ …" Maria scrunches her nose a little. "Tomi- can-... do you understand me?"

...If she can, we can't understand her, 'cause she's hardly doing anything.

Sliding a health potion from my _bag_ , I approach. "Lemme see if she'll drink a potion- actually…" Wasn't quick casting a thing? Almost forgot that existed- lemme just…

Tossing the bottle into the air, it glows before vanishing! There we go. Weird freakin'-

 _Di- di~ng!_ The luminescent liquid splashes onto Tomi, her form glowing briefly.

"Are you okay now, Tomi?" Maria spoke to her, trying her best to stand up while hugging onto the girl. "Tomi?"

...I think that lack of response is a solid 'no'. "Alright, let's a~... get _out of here_ perhaps, and steal some 'a that boy's clothes for her." Maybe we'll freakin' steal his valuables while we're at it, 'cause I don't think he's going to need it where he'll be going.

...I don't think Maria can drag her alone by the looks 'a things, so I'll just awkwardly attempt to lend a hand here…

So. Here we are dragging… _Tomi_ out of a ditch in some guy's secret rape dungeon. She's got like, shoulder-length blonde hair. Don't think I noted that before.

...At the indent up, our combined strength sucks, so I call for some _backup_. "Hey, Genkan…!"

...She floats over to the hole. "Yes? I-..." She sees the girl.

"Help." My request is simple.

...Floating down, she lifts the girl from the both of us with ease, lifting her up bridal style.

"Is-... she well?" Genkan questions.

"No…" Maria climbs out of the indent, as I do too. "I-... she's…"

"Unresponsive." Being relatively serious for once feels _weird_ but this is one of few moments where it's pretty much _necessity_.

"...I see." At that, Genkan just stares at the girl.

...I move up to mister _ice block_ , and stare 'em over, yo. _This_ boy…!

...After a moment, I move for the door. "Let's get goin'. Genkan, can ya~..." Hmm. We gotta bring-

 _Crack!_ The ice block snaps from the floor and starts sliding behind her as we move. Oh, good, ice-kinesis. We also gotta have Maria _dress 'er up_ and all that, and then kick out all the bar patrons 'cause yeah.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Tomi now had some poorly fitting clothes on, but they were clothes.

...Maria tried to urge her to walk, but had to catch her when her legs buckled. "A- ah…"

Genkan was standing nearby with her arms folded, looking _pretty displeased_. Looks like she's about ta freakin' kill a boy…!

"...Wow." Maria's pretty taken aback, still.

"Was she a friend of yours?" Genkan steps on a probable land mine-

"Not… really." Maria admits. Oh. "But… still."

Looking the blank girl over, Maria frowned. "She's different, now. She used to _talk_ , for one thing… and, a lot, too."

...Sighing, Genkan looks over at the door. "Let's go."

Leavin' outta the bedroom, we move through the kitchen… a~nd then back into the main room.

There're some people at the counter, now! They look _expectant…_

"I ordered half an hour ago." A short-haired dude pipes up! "Where's my _food?_ "

"Hello, friends!" I call out to the bar goers. "...So."

My party members emerge from the door behind me. Well, Genkan was already ahead of me, but Maria continued to lug Tomi along, and the ice block of sin slowly followed them…

As people start freakin' being _loud,_ I point at Tomi. "So _this girl_ … was found _naked_ and _tied up_ in the barkeep's basement! We're youkai exterminators, and we found this girl tied up, in here, in basement, while searching!"

...Aw, there we go. They quieted down to listen to my rambling!

...I move over towards the ice block. "This boy!? Yeah, think about it! This _asshole_ , this girl!" I point at both 'a them…! "That dude had a _sex dungeon!"_

…

Ohp- lemme climb over the counter here… there.

Once on the other side, I move over to some people eating their food at one of the inner booths, who're just kinda watching with their eyebrows raised. Aw, it's a couple, too!

"How's that _steak_ taste, yo…?" I ask them the casual question.

…

Slowly, the uproar of customer dissatisfaction begins again!

"What the _fuck!?_ "

"Where's my money!?"

"We~ll…"

"You think this is a cover-up for something…?"

"These _youkai…_ "

People start making for the bar counter…! Quickly, Maria hobbles out of it and away, meanwhile Genkan just drifts over everyone, and the iceblock-

 _Shoo~f_. -slides along, people getting displaced by it, and some stopping to hit it with daggers and blunt objects on its way out.

...So after a few moments, we escape! We got a _filthy criminal-_ a _genuine_ one, a girl, and, yeah. Oh, right, we didn't steal all the money. Too late for that now! Pretty sure the customers got that one covered…! I'll be surprised if this place is still standing tomorrow with that crowd.

Once we're outside, Maria passes Tomi off to Genkan. "He- here…"

...Sighing again, Genkan carries the girl bridal style. "...At the very least, that crowd was sane about the situation."

"Tomi…" Maria stared at the girl. "...Do- do you think she'll… get better?" Oof.

...The question just makes Genkan look displaced, which is oof. "...She may get better, but she'll never forget." Oww~.

…

It's pretty late. Stars're out, and everything. I don't think the council is in _session_ at this hour, and I'd rather get this crooked keep to someone who can reprimand his ass in, compared to locking him in a closet or something. For all we know, dude knows some magic on the off, or some shit.

…

"Where're we going?" Maria has realized I'm taking us nowhere!

"...Y'know where _Keine's_ place is?" I wonder of her! Since the village recently got its permissions all screwed up, Keine should be back at her place situating herself. We'll see if she can take Tomi in, too, 'cause yeah. Think she might be a _mite better_ at the homely things than I am.

"...Yeah. Let me lead…" With that, she turns us in the opposite direction. "It's actually close-ish." Ho ho ho, son…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"I can't believe we found something li- like that…" Maria expresses her disbelief as we move slightly into some backer alleys. We're nearish to the school, too.

"...Me either." Genkan admits. "I wasn't sure what I expected… but it wasn't this."

"Yea~h." I kinda echo their sentiment. Not much else I can say…

Tomi is as quiet as usual. Mmm. Oof…

"Here." Maria points ahead.

...Oh, right, I think that _is_ Keine's house! I feel like I've seen it before. Maybe not. I dunno…!

...We arrive at the porch.

…

I turn to her. "You wanna knock, o~r…"

At that, she steps up the steps- me and Genkan following- and bops the door a few times with her icy staff.

 _Clu- clu- clunk!_ Hoh…

…

Crea~k. The door swings open-

"The fuck do you…" Oh. Hello, Mokou! "...Ah?" She recognizes us, yo!

"Hi." I give her a cuddle wave.

"...S'you." She blinks at us. "What's up?"

...Maria's just kinda staring at her, and Genkan doesn't look like she wants to talk, so~...!

"This girl." I point at Tomi. "...Long story short, we found her after busting a _sex dungeon..._ legitimately. Aah, the guy who owned it, is back there…" I point at the block behind us. "We were- well, this girl _was_ one of Keine's students, I think."

…

"What." Mokou's just sort of taken aback!

...Genkan kinda emphasizes Tomi by sliding forward subtly, causing Mokou to look at her, then down at the girl.

"Who's at the door…?" Keine steps up-

"You need to look at this." Mokou moves through the door, pushing past us. Hi- hello, yo…

"Look at-..." Keine sees us. "Oh. Um, good evening, Maria-"

"Miss…" Maria gestures to Tomi. "Yo- you remember Tomi-chan, right?"

"...Well, yes?" Looking around, Keine rests her gaze on the girl.

"She needs help." Maria continues, holding her staff behind herself. "We- we found her tied up. She- she's not herself, anymore…"

...Keine blinks, a couple times. "...Wh- what?"

...I look back, and see Mokou just eying the guy in the ice, her hands in her pockets.

...Lowering her arms, Genkan tries to prop Tomi up in a sort of walking position.

"Tomi…?" Stepping towards her, Keine crouches slightly to stare directly at her. "Tomi, what's wrong?"

...She just kinda looks at Keine, eyes still dull.

"Tomi…?" Furrowing her brows, Keine searches the girl's form with her eyes-

The girl tries to step forward, before her legs give up-

Catching her, Keine's face begins to fall. "N- no…"

Hugging Tomi closer, Keine begins to cry. "He- heavens, no…"

"So…" Mokou walks up to us. "You just _found her_. Where, how?"

"Reimu sent us on patrol." I explain ta her. "Gave us a list 'a suspicious bars, and we've been searchin' since afternoon or so. Last place we hit, this guy ran it, didn't want us checking the rooms." I gesture to _this guy_ ova here, wit' his ass on _ice_.

...The next few moments are Keine's sobbing into the girl's shoulder. Mokou turns around, head tilted down towards the ground ahead.

…

 _FWOOM!_ Mokou turns into a pillar of fire some distance away from us…!

 _Fwoom_. In the next moment, it goes out.

Turning back towards us, she's just _glarin'_. "Tomorrow. You guys find me in the square." Oh okay…!

Then, she turns to the ice block, stepping towards it.

"He- he…" Keine looked at it, herself. "... _He_ did this to her?"

...I just kinda _nod._ "Yeah."

...Standing up, Keine almost parts from the girl, only to notice her balance issues.

"Le- let me… bring her in first." Quickly, she whisks the girl into her arms, and marches back into the house.

"This little…" Mokou stared into the guy's eyes- which were _still lookin' about_ from within' the ice, so he's probably been watching himself get dragged over here all silent like. Ho ho ho…!

 _Fwo- fwoom_. Mokou had her arms out, stretching her fingers, her limbs burning and her looking _just about_ ready to freakin' snap and homicide this dude.

...Then, she exhales, stepping back. "I'll wait for Keine."

...And, after a few moments, she returned.

Instantly, she just kind of passed us, moving up to the ice.

...Noticing the guy's consciousness, Keine reeled her arm back-

 _Cra~ck!_ She smashes the ice before his face.

"Nngh…!" He doesn't like that, but yeah.

...

Pfft- the boy won't _speak_ now. He knows he's fucked. You know it, I know it, everybody knows it; believe me.

"Why?" Keine asked of him. "...Why? _Why!?_ "

...No~ response.

Mokou jabs her hand into the block's side-

 _Sss~_. There's a hiss-

"Aagh! Aa- aah!" The guy jerks his head about in agony.

"An- answer _me_." Keine gets close into the guy's face…!

"Nngh-..." Mokou's stopped burning him moments ago, so his pain's winding down. "...I- I'm… I-..."

"Tell _me_ …" I don't recall Keine being this angry during the mind conditioning, even...!

...Back into silence, the guy refuses to respond to her.

 _Sss_. Mokou prods his side with her hand again, this time only her nails.

"Grhh!" Baring his teeth, the guy starts to writhe again…

"I want you to _tell me_." Keine grabs onto both sides of the ice holding him.

"I- I don't kno~w…!" Oh, christ. _That_ non-answer.

"Yo- you _don't know!?_ " Keine practically roars at 'em…! " _You…_ "

"I- I swear…" Now that Mokou's done prodding him, he actually speaks. "If- if… if you let me go-"

"Tell me _why~!?_ " Keine roars!

Cra- crack. The sides of the ice she's clutching crack, the damage spiderwebbing.

"I- I was just…" He tries to cower away, but being totally encased in ice makes that difficult it would seem. "She. She~... I- we were playing-"

 _Crack!_ Keine finally broke the sides of the ice, shaving down the prison slightly. This guy's really not good at lying.

"What…" Keine lets out a sob. "What _sickness_ makes you… _do_ this? Why?"

...And, silent again.

 _Sss_. Mokou rams her middle finger into his side-

"Aaa- _aaa~h!_ " The guy begins to cry from the pain-

"Do you _know_ what _you've done!?"_ Keine's so loud… "Do you _know!?_ "

Mokou removes her finger-

"Hrrh…" The guy's teeth chatter as liquid flows from his orifices. "I-... don't- I-"

" _Why~!?_ " She's pretty much just _screaming_ \- " _No~t!?_ "

…

Letting out some sobs she'd repressed, she lets herself take a step back. "You-... you just- you take someone's life… and- and you _destroy_ it. You _break it_. _Why!?_ "

She leans to the side. "Is- is it money!? Are-... are you just _sick!?_ What is _wrong_ with you!?"

"I'm- I'm sorry…" The guy speaks. "I- she-... I was only-"

 _Bam- Cra~ck!_

Lunging forward, Keine smashed her forehead against his-

Thud. He splayed out on the ground, the force of her blow having freed him from his already partially melted, smashed, and fragile ice prison.

...Stepping over to him, Keine lifted him by the thigh with one arm-

Mokou caught him, Keine having tossed him to her.

"Mokou…" With her face nearly entirely wet, Keine made a request. "I... I want to set an _example_ this time. I want to _stop this_."

...Mokou just listens.

"I want you…" Keine draws a breath. "Take him to the Hakurei. Have his magical capability sealed. Then… I want you to build him an obsidian and stone cage, with your fire, the misty lake's water, and… if you could, lava. Have it fortified by the most competent magician you know… and, I'll look up some things myself, here. When you're done, bring him back, in that cage, alive. This has happened too much for me to quietly... _sit here_ and watch lives be _ru- ruined_."

Lugging the guy over his shoulder, Mokou nodded. "With _pleasure._ "

...With that, Mokou began marching off, probably to begin her task right now.

…

"I'm s- sorry… you all had to see that." Keine shakily continued past us. "Thi- this… shouldn't have ever happened. If only I'd-..."

Shaking her head, she sighed, arms shaking too.

 _Bam_. Her door closed loudly, the ensuing sobbing audible for a few moments longer.

…

"My- my god…" Maria was crying now, too.

...Is- is even Genkan visibly upset about this? Woah.

...Well, that reminded me how _genuine anger_ felt, about. I tend to forget it exists most times- except for if I'm _grievously wounded_ or hitting people or the likes- but it's pretty recognizable once it's _there_. That freakin'... headache-esque feeling. Hard not to get caught up in the moment with Keine there!

Well.

"...How~'s about…" Not sure how to put this…! "We call it a night…?"

"Yes…" Exhaling, Genkan drifts ahead idly. "This would be… most optimal."

Maria begins to move off the porch. "Yeah..."

...Hmm. Where'll we go~...? Keine's an _obvious no_ since she needs time to be angry and sad, and now's not really a good time to commandeer the stuffington's place.

Maria begins to lead, actually…! "We- we'll go to Marcus's shop. He'll take us."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Well.

There was a giant tree in the midst of Marcus's shop.

"Freaki~n'…" He's currently crouched over, examining these roots that're pointing out of the ground in the road all around his place. "Go to brew tea for two~ minutes, and someone grows an _unholy youkai tree_ in my shop. Tsk, tsk, tsk…"

"What happened, now…?" Maria just gives the tree a jaded, drained expression.

...Looking up at us, he snorts. "Oh, hey. You guys look more upset than I do, and it ain't even your store…!"

Maria snorts at that. "... We, um… we need somewhere to stay."

"Ah…" He pauses to consider this. "Me too! Except, I _do_ have a house in my name, for when _this_ happens. Why, last time someone committed _shop terrorism_ on me was, hmm…" He tilts his head. "Well over a few years ago, surely… I checked up on the place like five months ago, I'm sure it'll be fine."

...Ah. Well, it's better than breaking and entering for a place to sleep!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We're in some suburbs in the sector that holds some key structures, except in the midst of an area I've never really went down. Key structures like the Golden Grin, Maria's old house, Small Packages, and _Fred's_ house. Freakin' Fred.

It's a small two-story but very horizontally cramped structure in the midst of a bunch of similar structures.

"He~re we are…" Marcus steps up to the house.

 _Knock knock_. He knocks on it-

 _Cla- clank._ The door handle and the lock fall off, revealing nothing to hold them in place.

He presses his hand to the door-

 _Fwish._ A magical circle on the front flares to life briefly-

Crea~k. The door opens…!?

"Let's see~..." Crouching down, he picks up the lock, looking at the back side. "...Oo~h. People've tried to pick this lock one hundred eighty-two times!" Freakin'... that's a _strange lock,_ son.

...Taking this moment, Marcus moved over to one of the broken windows. On the very other side of the window was a brick wall painted black. "...They break _every_ window, this time? Aww."

As he marched inside, we followed his trail!

The inside living room was surprisingly plain-looking, side from the big dumb brick walls blockading the windows.

 _Click_. The door closed behind us. The side we were on seemed to have a big, proper metal handle instead of the chintzy looking fake things.

There was a green chair before a fireplace. The fireplace was already lit before we entered, apparently burning without any wood inside. Well, there's some- are those _bones_ in the fireplace?

Marcus moved towards this poofy, dusty-looking green chair. There was a fluffle on it, shaking itself about on all fours-

He sat on it. "Check out the stove…!" Grinning, he gestured to the stove with his thumb. "Ge~nuine hellstone fireplace. Well, where the fire's concerned, anyway. Burns forever!"

Hellstone fireplace, huh. Looks warm, yo. S'that some kinda fire hazard, o~r…? Well, if the house is still standing after _five months,_ I think it's fine.

...Looking over at us, he gave us a gaze. "...So, what's with the long faces?"

"We- we'll, um…" Maria was looking around. "Do you have a guest room…?"

"Ah?" The request spurs him to stand… "Ah, yeah, lemme just…"

He moves for the actually normal stairs on the far side 'a the room. Like- there's a rail and everything! Yo!

Maria moves to follow him up the stairs, so I trail behind her, Genkan moving behind me…

...Up here, there's a central hall that leads to the like two other rooms that're on this level.

"On tha' right, here." Moving ahead, Marcus goes to open the door-

 _Crea~k!_ The door creaks as it swings open…

This room also has big brick walls over the windows! There's a weird-looking lamp with an unlit like, metal cage on the top, of some sort.

Marcus was casting light from his hand to keep the room lit. Moving further into the room, he reached the lamp, and pressed a big pad on the bottom-

 _Click_. A soft orb of light spawned in the cage, illuminating the room.

"Nifty, ah?" Looking over at us, he grins. "There're some shelves and stuff, too. Maybe some books, I dunno…"

Also, only one bed! That's a slight problem!

With that, he moves outta the room. "I'm guessin' yer all _tired_ , so I'll jus' be checkin' out the place again 'fore hittin' the hay myself…"

Ye. Well- there's only one bed. Ah, we'll manage, somehow.

Click. He closes the door behind us. It has normal handles, so getting back out won't be a problem!

…

Moving forward, Maria just rolls onto the bed. "Nnh…" The covers have yellow stars stitched onto a blue background.

...Steppin' up to the bed, I look around. "...Well, yo. I ca~n take…" Actually, do I have any tables in my bag? Those might make a nice-

Arms slip around me from behind. Daa~h…

Genkan presses herself against my back. "Sleep." Woah…!

...Well, that quickly offset everything else. I let my eyes close as some _good feeling_ emanates through me. Is… is that the ice affinity kicking in?

The sedative rush comes a lot faster, either from my resistance or the fact I'm just tired in general.

...Allowing my eyes to blink open, I see Genkan facing me, now.

"Sleep." She pulls me closer, for a more proper hug-

Oo~h. Closing my eyes again, I flinch a little from the spike of whatever it is I'm feeling. My head...

As I feel myself sink down mentally, my body also loses its weight. Aah…

I try to open my eyes-... or, not. You know…

I think I'd rather just…

Sinking. I feel myself sink, as a weight rests itself on me.

I'd rather just give in...

…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

…

I feel heavy. Oof…

Where're my freakin' pillows. Unless they managed to not fall off me the entire night, which is a like… one in a hundred chance.

I'm surprisingly rested, even! Still… pretty slow.

...Idly, I-

Those aren't pillows. Those aren't pillows at all…!

Opening my eyes, I see Ha-chan, just kinda awkwardly pressed against my cheek. Oh, hi, friend.

...I try to move her, but she's heavier than usual. Freakin'... now I'm _reconsidering_ moving, too. Maybe I should just hug her and call it a morning.

...Actually, I manage to nudge myself to the right and away from Ha-chan, just enough to see-

Genkan's apparently just _splayed out_ on everyone, using the fairy's back as a pillow.

"Nn- nnh…" Maria's a good distance from me, shifting about.

...Also, I feel pretty good! And it's _not_ just because I got a sexy fairy pressed against me, although that helps, too. Sleeping definitely takes the edge off of anger! Hoo~. I'd be stretching, but I'm _stuck_.

Y'know what, of any morning, this is probably the best time to just go 'fuck it'.

Wrapping my arms around the sleeping Ha-chan, I press her further into me.

...Then, I kinda just let my arms fall, because keeping them up on her is a slight trying! But, the feeling of just being _snuggled_ like this...

...Drowsiness still's got a hold on me, so it's not hard for me to just… drift back to sleep…

…

…

…

"Brad-ku~n, wake up!"

Hoh- shit!

I'm bein' nudged, yo, what's up-

"There're pancakes!" Hoh…!

Me and Ha-chan're the only ones in the bed now, and she's freakin' kneading my intestines violently to wake me up.

"I- I'm up, yo…!" Fight the arms! Fight- ah, she's stopped.

"Let's go!" Ha-chan marches for the door!

Aah. S'been awhile since I've used a _bed_ , and I'm quite familiar to the weight of pillows being on me rather than actual friendly people.

...On my way outta the room, I stop to turn off the magi-lamp that we left on the entire night.

 _Click_.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Downstairs is pretty bright! There's a magi-light over the dining room table that's _emulating_ the sun.

Maria's chowing down on some pancakes, yo. Ha-chan did not lie!

"Heyo~!" Marcus calls out to us! He's got some pans floating in the air around himself, orbs of fire alight under them. "Pick a chair, any chair!"

...I decide to take the chair between Maria 'n' Genkan-

Ha-chan slides into my lap…! " _This_ chair!" I am not a chair, friend!

Freakin'... she smells like _fairy_ , too.

Cli- click. Two plates of pancakes are set down before us-

"Omf…!" Ha-chan reaches down to the left plate with her hands and just starts eating them like a sandwich. That's my strategy…! Well, when they're not _syrup-covered_ , at least.

"Soo~...!" Marcus rubs his hands together! "What's the big secret? Last night, none a' ya wanted ta talk about _nothin'_."

...Swallowing her pancakes, Maria decided to start. "We~ll. We were investigating some bars to help with Reimu's, um, village fixing."

Snorting, Marcus extinguishes the flames with a swipe, before placing the final pancakes on a plate for himself. "Boy, does it need it! S'been _awhile_ \- in fact, probably the first time a Hakurei's had a proper beat down 'n' sit down with the place in my lifetime!"

"Yeah." Maria nods… "So, we came to this place. It was nicer than the other bars, but the owner was kinda weird. Like- um, all the bars we visited before let us investigate, but this guy _really_ didn't want us to."

"Which place was this, now…?" Marcus rose a brow as he lifted his pancakes magically… "Was it that Lovely Lagoon place that just went under?" This place acts fast, huh…!

"Yeah, actually." Maria's brows were raised! "How'd you know?"

Marcus held up a paper. "Bunbunmaru!" Ho ho! "So _you're_ the guys who blew his sex dungeon thing. Keine 'n' Mokou didn' wanna say more than they had ta."

...At that, Maria glanced back down at her pancakes. "We… we were the ones who caught him, and we had to carry the girl out."

Marcus jerked his head back. "Oo~h! Guys got pretty hands-on, huh?"

"It was fortunate." Genkan spoke up, her pancakes all gone. "...I had half a mind to believe we were needlessly inconveniencing someone, though his nervousness made me doubt he had nothing to hide. I didn't expect us to find _that_."

...With that, Marcus just nods a little. "Mmm~... this village isn't really, y'know, the _nicest_ place. And, I can tell ya right now with all the back room deals, and _especially_ with the recent corruption 'n' dismantling, crime like _that's_ probably more prolific than it has been."

Oo~f. Although yeah, if it's happening somewhere like _that_ , freakin'...

"Really…" Maria's brows were furrowed. "I honestly… didn't really ever think about stuff like that."

"Not like ya _should_." Marcus shook his head. "But, in this place, ya might _have_ to. It'll take some time 'n' _spanking_ to get this place back in working order."

Apparently. Although, I wouldn't be surprised if that last event stirred the pot a little.

Time and _spanking_ , yo.

Ha-chan looked around. "Who's getting spanked…?" I'm also kind of glad Ha-chan wasn't around for that shit!

Marcus smiled at her. "Aah. People."

Ha-chan wiggled in my lap- freaki~n'…! "But- I'm a people…"

"Not you." Genkan smoothly stands from her seat. "Mokou wished to see us in the square." Oh, yeah. I'd forgotten that after Genkan hugged my brains out 'n' put my ass to sleep.

"Oh, right!" Halfway through eating his pancakes, Marcus looked up. "...Maria, did you know? Regarding that, ah… 'foster' care you were placed in."

Maria snapped her head up. "What…?"

"The father dude in that household, " Marcus kept his expression pretty neutral! "He passed away, the other day."

…

Maria went back to her pancakes, not really changed by this.

...A small smile slipped onto Marcus's face. "Devastated, aren't ya?"

...Swallowing a bite, Maria responded. "It was gonna happen. Was it blood pressure…?" Complete indifference, yo…!

He shook his head. "Nah. He got punched into a fine red mist by an oni."

Maria snorted. "Wh- what…? How?"

"He had this like, super gun…" Holding up his arms, Marcus pretended to fire a 'super gun'. "So it pissed 'er off, and now he's just air." Oh…!

"...Well." Maria returned to her pancakes. "That's a way to die."

Ha-chan- stop _shiftin_ '...! I just woke up, here!

…

After a moment, I quickly finish my pancakes 'cause I was eatin' 'em sandwich style. Ho ho!

Maria stands, finished with her food. "Thanks for letting us stay… Ma- Marcus."

"No~ problem!" He gives her a thumbs up! "...You plannin' on runnin' around doin' Reimu's bidding still?"

"Yeah." Maria nods. "If we're the only people doing anything… we- we have to see this through." Hoh!

Standing as well, Marcus grins at that. "Well, at this point, you might not be the _only_ ones. Bu~t, even so…" Taking this moment, he reaches into his pockets…

"It's dangerous to go alone!" He pulls out… a glass lens! "Take this!"

...He floats it over to Maria, who grabs it gingerly. "...What's this?"

"It's a _good_ lens." He nods with satisfaction…! "...It's not the most awesome amplifier, but it lets you shoot _la~ser beams!_ " La~ser beams!

"...Huh." At that, Maria-

 _Bwomp!_ A small, white and blue laser blipped out of the lens and into the table. "...Cool!"

"Al~so…" Movin' around the table, Marcus approached her…

Once he reached her, he gave her a little slip 'a paper. "That'll help ya get back inta this place whenever ya need ta, okay? Trustin' it ta you, 'cause yer gettin' about and doin' things, and s'not really like you've got anywhere else to go now."

"A- ah…" Maria blinked at the sheet. It's a _spell key_ , dude. "...Thank you so much."

"No problem…" With that, Marcus stretches… "I'm gonna go see if I can bug a holy person ta save my shop, in the meantime…!"

...I try to get up, but- Ha-cha~n, get up…!

...She's not takin' the hint! I gotta push 'er, yo…! A~nd…

I'm free!

She's forced to stand after I displace her with some pushing. "He~y…"

"I gotta stand, yo." I inform the cuddle fairy. "For adventure…!"

"Adventure!" There ya go, yo.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We are now… on the main road! To _adventure_ , dude.

After pressin' through the side alleys, we quickly encroach on the main street…

"...Huh." Genkan took in the amount of people that're there, and it's not totally generic villagers!

In the very midst, Mokou was standing there with her arms folded. To her side, Reimu and Marisa were there, the latter wit' 'er broom over her shoulder.

Some distance away, Toyota Camry no Miko and her entire _taoist gang_ were wit 'er, the girl herself talking to her cohorts…

Reisen and Youmu were over near the bunny girl's stall, leaning against the counter and chatting each other up…

...Steppin' into the clearing, we pass the few villagers around the outskirts of the square. Then, we begin to come up on Mokou…

"Took you guys long enough." Mokou approaches us once we're near! "...I didn't expect these other people, but they're whatever." She gestures to all the other girls who've arrived to form their own parties and things…

Reimu approaches us, Marisa following her! "...Hey."

"Hi." I give her a casual wave… "I see people're gonna be busy this morning, yo…"

"No doubt, ze." Marisa grinned! "You guys see that paper, too? The religious factions're about to go _ham_ on the place!"

...Reimu gave her a dry stare. "What kind of verb is _ham_."

"The good kind." Marisa reaches over to play with Reimu's bow for no reason-

Casually pushing her away, Reimu continues. She stares at Maria in particular. "...If you guys don't want to-"

"We want to." Maria's not backin' down, now!

...At that, Reimu shrugs, nodding. "Alright. Mokou'll help you if you get into anything over your head."

"Mhm." Mokou's behind us, now…!

"...Ah?" Marisa looked between Maria 'n' Reimu. "You guys know somethin' I don't?"

Reimu turns to Marisa and makes it blunt. "Maria and her friends brought the girl out of the bar, and apprehended the criminal."

...Marisa's eyes widen! "No shit!? Woah! Way ta go, Maria…!"

"We- well, we just happened…" Maria's frazzled by the praise…!

"There was little to celebrate." Genkan's not lettin' the _genuine anger_ go. "...Other than the rescue, and resulting justice. We weren't thrilled at the time."

...Allowing her smirk to hang a bit, Marisa nodded. "Yea~h. I'm sure it was pretty fucked up. You feelin' alright, Maria?"

"Yeah." Maria once again confirmed her sanity. "I slept on it. I have my friends, too." Ho ho…!

...Marisa looks us over. "A yuki-onna, a _fairy maid_ , and _that dude_." She calls me out, yo! "I don't even know how that _happened_."

Very carefully. "Well, yo, it started when I woke up in this forest, and everything was in third person for some stupid reason…!"

"I wouldn't go that far back." ...After givin' me a dry stare, Marisa waved to Maria. "Well, good luck 'n happy hunting, ze!"

"Um, you too…!" Maria waves back at her!

...With that, Reimu 'n' Marisa begin to meander off together. I assume we've still got a prime directive of 'assassinate all bars'.

Byakuren and her _buddhist gangsters_ 're rollin' up down one 'a the roads ahead, the one Reimu and Marisa're starting down.

"Let's get a move on." Mokou cracks her knuckles behind us.

Holding up her list, Maria nods. "Al- alright. Um…" After a few seconds of examination, she starts moving. "...The next place is… the _Musky Musket_." Oh, okay…!

"What." Genkan rose a brow at the name, too!

"Yeah." Maria began moving… "Maybe… we should hurry." Maybe…!

"I know what muskets are!" Ha-chan reminds us all that she's still following us! "...They're _loud_."

Mokou gave the lovable fairy an unhappy stare. "Is she with us?"

"Yes." We all pretty much reply simultaneously.

"Why." She looks extremely jaded!

Well… I hold out my arms. "Why not, friend…?" She's huggable.

"...Whatever." Mokou can't argue with that logic, yo!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Are you soft…?" Ha-chan rubs Mokou's tummy.

"Wha- _no_." Mokou almost knees her to get her away! "Fucking- stop."

"Nnn~..." This elicits a pout from Ha-chan. "But, you _look_ soft…"

"And you look punchable, but I'm not _rubbing your stomach_." Mokou almost grins at her own remark… "Seriously, what the hell."

...Moving to Genkan, Ha-chan tries the same thing, placing a hand to her torso-

Genkan jerks herself away. "Please, fairy. Show some self-respect."

"Nnn~!" This does not please Ha-chan, either! "But you _are_ soft…!"

"If Brad can resist throwing himself at me, you can too." Ho ho ho.

...Finally, Ha-chan slides up to Maria-

"Hu- oo- ooo~...!" Maria wiggles at the sensation of a belly rub-

 _Clonk_. Genkan fended the fairy friend off with a thin sheet of ice to the head. "Leave her alone, you."

...Giving her a floored _stare_ , Ha-chan finally whirls up to me-

She aggressively rubs my stomach over and over, which feels weird..! "Nnn~...!" She's really focused about it, too!

...After she's gotten enough of _molestigating me_ , we stop before the bar.

Looks as run down as all the others! This one's next to a _tiny farm_ , yo.

...As we size up the crummy structure, we all brace ourselves. That last discovery y'know, kinda left an _impact_ …! Was just- y'know, just a _little more_ than we'd bargained for…!

Behind us, Mokou takes a deep breath… and then, she speaks.

"This isn't gonna exactly be a _joy ride_." She apparently feels the need to remind us! "...Even if every place isn't harboring a _rape victim_ , I think you guys know you can't let your guard down in this damn village. Shit's happening every day. The only reason we're doing this right now is 'cause Reimu took the fight straight to the top, and no one can say no to Reimu. I bet those stupid fucking religions would just step in if me or Keine ever tried anything, or one of _you._

"But, this is our window. This is our _opportunity_ to show these bastards what the hell some of us are _made of_. And, supposin' we don't even find anything _today_ , we've got _tomorrow_ , the day _after_ , and we've got plenty of time to do the fucking right thing for a change, and make this village _safe_."

...With all of this said, she takes another deep breath. "...I hope you're all fucking ready to earn your dinky Youkai Exterminator badges, or medals or whatever the hell it is they give you for getting something done. We're gonna do our _damndest._ "

Sweet Jesus. Talk about a freakin' rallying cry…! There's a like, one hundred percent chance the bar we're walking into now doesn't have diddly shit in it now, after that. That's just how the universe works…!

But, even so, the precedent she's settin' still stands, and it probably would be a lie to say it didn't light some kind of a fire in our hearts.

Cla- clack. Maria pushes the bar doors open, and stomps in.

The chatter inside immediately ceases. Ooo~, _tense yo._

...We silently march inside-

"Ooo~..." Ha-chan kinda botches the spaghetti western atmosphere-

Still, we march inside _silently_ , giving the bar untrusting stares and glancin' around…

Everyone in here's old farmer-lookin' dudes, pretty much. We're all gettin' sideways stares by straw-hatted dudes- both the rice hat and generic sun hat kind…

Approaching the counter, we occupy the vacant seats.

…

"Aah- hey, how ya doin'..." This fluffy-looking old dude just kinda shuffles up to us. "Aah… wha- what'd you folks like…?"

Aah. Hmm. "Water-"

"Water." We all request water!

The man nods. "Al- alright, right away. One hundred yen per, please…"

Cla- clack. Mokou apparently pays our whole tab. Hoh!

…

"O- oh, darn it…" He stands up. "Sta- stay there, please. Lemme go… go to our well."

The old bartender starts to shuffle outside, through the back door- wait. There's _sunlight_ through that back door. This place has two back doors, though…

…

"It smells, in here…" Ha-chan looks offput.

"You know…" Looking over at us, Maria tilts her head. "I feel like _this_ place in particular doesn't have much to hide…"

"You can never know." Mokou countered. "What if you gave up last time?"

...At that, Maria couldn't argue.

...The guy came back like ten minutes later with our drinks. "He- here you go…"

Actually- hey. "Yo, can we search your back rooms…?" I give 'em a simple request. He's an old dude, so-

"Ah…?" He smiles at us. "Go right on ahead, sonny."

Yo ho ho. Well, that's a good sign.

Getting up, I round the counter and move for the right door out, and open it-

Oh. _Also_ sunlight. This place _has_ _no_ backrooms.

...I turn around and announce my findings. "There's freakin' nothing!"

"Hehehehe~!" The old man giggles at me…!

"Okay, maybe there isn't anything here." Mokou allows herself to look exasperated…!

Genkan props her head up on her arm…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 77

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Robot Demolisher, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Factory Disassembler, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Village Revolutionary, Has Forgotten What Half of These Titles Stood For, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Hard Winter - A earth/ice-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice! Allows the user to cast Ice Shard. Extends combo length by one artificially. Allows the user to jump out out of combos smoothly, and leave frost in their trail.

NON-EQUIP SKILLS:

Lucky Star - Non-elemental attack that does very random damage to one target. Star that drops from abo~ve!

Scent Pillow - A spell taught by Koakuma. Summons a pillow endowed with the user's love fluids… which, for males, is, euh…

World's Wimpiest Fireball - A spell learned from a book given to me by Patchy. Summons a _really_ , genuinely terrible fireball that only ignites the weakest of fairies.

Double Jump - A skill I got somehow! Allows the user to jump twice. Avoid fall damage, maybe!

Perspective Holder - Um…? I am the primary perspective of this story!

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I would like to know where it actually puts all my stuff though…

==o==

WEAPONS:

Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! It better, with a name like 'Swordbreaker'. Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! May cast Flash, an attack that blinds; works best on darkness elementals and youkai. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can cast Gust. By the addition of a steel block, its attack and magic attack increased slightly. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites stuff on impact. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle, allowing the user to cast Flamethrower Plus! Allows the user to cast Fume.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Can produce limitless fresh water. Boosts the power of water skills. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style; physical attack increased, physical defense lowered. User bleeds out faster. Can cast Revenge, an attack that increases in power the lower the user's health is. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to let it cut!

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Lowers defense slightly. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger is slightly electric and holy elemental. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy…

==o==

ARMOR:

Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means business, son. One hundred _fifty_ percent ice resistance: fifty percent of the damage goes into my health pool instead! Dunno 'bout icicles and stuff, though. Fifty percent freeze resistance… not that freezing will hurt with this thing on. Fifty percent dark resistance. Negative fifty percent fire and burning resistance. Hopefully hides you a bit when navigating in the freakin' brush...

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Seventy-five percent time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!

Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! Fifty percent sun resistance, one hundred percent freezing and blinding resistance. Also gives immunity to electrical stunning. It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.

Lunarian Prototype Space Suit - A suit meant for combat in deep space. So far, it's only got the whole 'exist in deep space' part down…! One hundred percent electric resistant. One hundred percent freezing resistant. Has an oxygen tank, but that's only useful if you wear the helmet to go along with it. Randomly casts Zero Gravity when it feels like it.

Lunarian Prototype Deep Space Helmet - It's a freakin' helmet. Fifty percent blinding resistant! When worn with the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit, it also confers immunity to burning and poison, along with another one hundred percent electricity resistance. Yo…!

Testing Oxygen Tank - The oxygen tank used by the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit. Lasts for two and a half minutes! Not meant to actually be used outside of testing, but it's possible. Refills automatically in breathable air.

MP Prize Pin - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field. For awhile only the user(s) of this badge may pick them up, but after a grace period anyone can. Extends prize grabbing range!

Sun Badge - Fifteen percent sun resistance when equipped. Fifty percent resistance to blinding and electrical stunning. Replaces the on-impact effect of all weapons with Sunfire Flare when worn.

==o==

CONSUMABLES/OTHER:

Twenty seven thousand, nine hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!

Four Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Mega Potion - Youkai-like regen for thirty seconds… except for the whole family! Applies to entire party. Good for when we all suck at life!

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Three Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on debuffs, though...

Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Hina's Bad Luck Talisman - I remembe~r! Upgrades a weapon to debuff luck on strike and stuff!

Rope of Red Bikinis - Wahaha! Gonna getcha, son!

Sacred Eagle Feather - A gift from a rambler. It's… sentimental, I think? Help.

Some Fancy Key - A key lent to me by Brittany. Wha- why. What's it for…!?

Youkai Exterminator Badge - I still have this, dude! Yo ho ho! Allows me to not be considered a youkai by most guardsmen!

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I really have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

==o==

Genkan, the Yuki-onna - A bitter yuki-onna from Gensokyo's wildlands, mostly active in the winter, and on particularly cold days. Heals from ice damage. Commands powerful control over frost, and has a wide variety of ice-affinity attacks. Weak to fire and burning.

SKILLS:

Ice Control - Freely use ice to make stuff. Inherent one hundred percent ice resistance.

Freeze - Instantly freezes one to two enemies. Low chance of working on stronger foes.

Creaking Freeze - Generates a spinning, magic snowflake in an enemy's body, which instantly freezes them after a moment. High accuracy.

Glacier - Erects a massive blade of ice from the ground, dealing incredible physical ice damage.

Triple Glacier - See above, but on three enemies! As such, costs triple the mana!

Ice Spin - Spins and lashes out with chilling frost. Probably just an extension of her normal frost powers and not an actual skill…

Ice Shard - Advanced ice magic. Generates a chunk in an enemy's body which proceeds to freeze the air around it. Power depends on the user.

Snow - Make it snow locally. Very minor ambient ice damage to everyone on the battlefield, including allies. Has a low chance to instantly freeze someone for no reason.

Yuki-onna's Embrace - Hug. Binds target close to her. Makes the target tired, severely lowers accuracy and magical defense, and makes them comfortable. Skill may only be performed by yuki-onna. Negative facets reduced by ice and freezing resist. Someone with over a hundred resistance will be buffed and healed by it…!

Yuki-onna's Entombment - Final, optional stage of the hug…! Guaranteed instant death inflicted by the draining of vitality. Heals the user for the heat taken from the target. Does not work well on bosses or the instant death resistant. Instant death proc is nullified if the target's ice or freezing resistance is over fifty percent. Skill may only be performed by yuki-onna.

Other Skills - Probably has more spells, but freakin'... I dunno her like a textbook!

INVENTORY:

Absolute Zero Kimono - A better version of the stock yuki-onna kimono. Two hundred ice resistance, although since one hundred of that is inherently from Genkan, she only gains an additional one hundred percent. Gives her two hundred total, though! One hundred percent fire and burning weakness.

Two thousand yen - Her remaining total after spending money on our upgrades.

I dunno - What would I~ have if I was a sexy ice woman?

[unknown spaces remaining]

==o==

Maria, the Actually Ordinary Magician - A villager from the human village. Used to run the most impoverished bar ever, but that fell under or something. Really low self-esteem! Resistances and weaknesses depend on equipment. Can cast basic elemental spells!

INVENTORY:

Pine Frost Staff - Also good for bonking things! Twenty five percent ice resistance, one hundred percent freezing resistance, allows the user to cast Blizzara and Ice Shard, and boosts the power of ice skills. Negative fifty percent burning resistance. Made with pine wood and an icy reagent.

Wood Staff - Good for bonking things!

Casual Freeze Clothes - Casual, neon villager garb. Bright yellow shirt with a blue snowflake stitched onto the front, a bright blue skirt, and a tan vest. Looks about as garish as your regular Touhou, now! Fifty percent ice resistant. Wearer is immune to freezing.

Magical Lens - A lens that shoots _la~ser bea~ms!_ ...When you input mana into it, anyway, apparently. Gift from Marcus Kirisame!

[Travel Bag] - Inventory that exists! Does not take up inventory because it is inventory. Eight slots.

Two Mana Potions - Guess wha~t? It heals, except mana!

[four spaces remaining]

==o==

Hana, the Electric Fairy Maid - Hello again, friend! You're _fluffy_. Healed by electric magic. Immune to electric stunning!

SKILLS:

Little Zap - Basic electric magic. Zaps a target twice with static from above!

Random Electric - When pressured, uses random electric spells that exist.

Electric Control - With true power, she's able to stun opponents into submission by touching them, apparently.

==o==

Fujiwara no Mokou, the Crimson Watchguard - Legendary Hourai immortal of flame, fire, and _anger_ , son. Probably immune to fire, if not healed by it. Devastatingly wide variety of fire skills and spells.

SKILLS:

Fire Magic - Free control over fire. Limits are unknown!

Spell Cards - Huge arsenal of curbstomping magic!

INVENTORY:

Mokou's Outfit - One hundred twenty percent fire resistance. Fifty percent weak to ice, and one hundred percent weak to water. Randomly ignites the user, when they're not Mokou.

Unknown - Aaa~h! Her sweatpants have _pockets_ and I don't know what's in them…!

==o==

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

another fun chapter

i was wondering _when_ it was gonna happen but this fic's finally had a more real SAD moment, although this one was a little impersonal and circumstantial

even still it was SOMETHING FOR THE GIRLS… . w ' and it did buzzkill my guy's constant haze of being a troublemaker

your regularly scheduled casual atmosphere will fade back in shortly, albeit we'll still be cracking down on _alcohol-serving establishments_ as it were yo

and next chapter should be a leeway for some fun things

truth be told this whole event just sort of _happened_ but it's a fun window into how truly dark other little realities within the village can be outside of matt's constant smasharama

that and even matt's only mistreated the commissar and the people he's murderized; this is just _oof_

as always, see you all next time!


	99. WonderLoli! Aww!

(in which souls give us strength)

Mokou kicked a rock down the street as we progressed. "Hmph…"

So far, we've tried about five more bars! A~nd… wouldn't ya know it, none of them were doing anything hideously illegal. Like two of them had youkai who freaked the fuck out and thought we were gonna deport 'em back to Mexico, but we didn't because there's really no reason to kick out mages and freakin' one-tenth animal-type people and _object people_.

"There's only a couple places left…" Maria read off her list, which was now mostly crossed off. "Um… Small Packages, Golden Grin, and… Tiny Tim's Motel."

I'm sorry what was that last one? Ah, whatever yo. In fact, these're all weird ass options! And even _with_ Mokou, I'm kinda uncomfortable about the former. _Especially_ with Mokou, because she might just fly off 'er handle before we can negotiate anything and start a war.

Right now we're just in like, the square.

"We need a list of _all_ bars." Mokou is determined to conduct SWAT operations! "...Hell, we need to break down every _fucking_ door in this village."

"...Hmm." Genkan's on the fence about being that ruthless!

Shaking her head, Maria begins to move. "Well- we can't just _break and enter_ unless we have reasonable suspicion-"

"This entire fuckin' place is suspicious!" Mokou makes a furious case! "I say we enter _every_ damn house."

" _You_ can do that." Genkan decides. "...You have more than enough capability, and I'm sure you could find someone with less to do than us."

...At that, Mokou whirls to face me, impeding my progress. "Brad. Don't you fucking _dare_ tell me that _you_ , of _all people_ , have _shit_ to _do_."

"I, of all people, have shit to do~!" Wahaha~!

...Huffing, she turns. "Fine. When we're done here, I'll run around _myself_. Get drugged and raped while I'm at it, fun fun fun." ...Well, admittedly I feel a slight guilty, but I don't wanna be the guy who combs the entire village! I mean… it's not _huge_ but it's a civilization…!

...Maria held up a hand. "Fu- Fujiwara, um, we-"

"Shut it." Mokou just held up a hand at her.

"You know who _does_ have less to do…?" I've got some ideas!

...After walking forward for a moment, she stops to face me, humoring me. " _Who_."

...Actually, now that I think about it. "The town _youkai hunters_ , yo." I'm sure Albus's sharpshooter skills would work exceptionally better on perverts than on shrine maiden barriers. "...Also, Kaguya."

…

At that, she points at me. "Well, first, fuck you." Ho ho ho! "Second, yeah. Might as well get those useless bastards to do something. If I can beat that _bitch_ into submission, I'll drag her out here." Yeah, yo.

"There ya go, yo." I give her a warm nod. "Assemble a noob army."

...Now that we've stopped bickering, Maria continues ahead again. "Let's… look at that Golden Grin place. I don't have a good feeling about it…"

"What makes you say that." Genkan monotones, as she stares at the freakin'... upper levels of the building in the distance. "Is it the garish nature of how it violates the horizon?"

"Yeah, pretty much." Continuing ahead, Maria furrows her brows gingerly… "It's also just… so _different,_ and has so much youkai involvement. It's _weird_."

Marching ahead, Mokou looks ready to rumble…! "It _is_ an eyesore. I hated it being there since day one."

The day is in later afternoon, now… the fluffy period of the day, dude.

We arrive at the doors!

Two rabbit girls're standing outside, clad in revealing bunny suits that amplify their features.

The flaxen haired one on the right's smoking a cigarette, her arms folded. Aw, yo.

On our left, there's a pink-haired bunny girl, seemingly doing a little repeated _bounce_ in place, to jiggle her breasts.

Sneering, the flaxen-haired rabbit gives Mokou a stare. "You~ again. Thought we toldja not to come back…"

"Shrine maiden's orders." Mokou glares back at her. "Saw the news, didn't you?"

"Don't read i~t." The rabbit waved her off. "I just li~ve. Like you, except I'm making money." Money with which you can buy… all the cigarettes!

Mokou holds up a hand-

 _fwoom_. The bunny's cigarette burned up instantly, incinerating.

"Kaugh- kauf- ngh- kauf…!" Stumbling back, the rabbit chokes out a black cloud of smoke…! "Ha- h- hkh- kau~gh…!"

...Pouting, the pink-haired rabbit propped her arms on her shoulders! "Y'know, it's stuff like _that_ that gotcha beaten' up last time!"

"Lemme in." Mokou folded her arms.

"He~." She gave _one_ giggle. "No."

I step out behind her, and hold up my youkai eviscerator badge! "Lem _me_ in, yo."

She smiles at me. "Alri~ght. Right this way, sir!" Apparently a badge gets you in! She starts to walk ahead, but ah-

"Also, she's with me." I gesture to Mokou.

...Stopping, pinkie turns to me, pouting. "...I don't think she even likes you, sir. I'll take better care of you~."

Son. "Also, these guys…!" I gesture to Maria and Genkan! "We're a _family unit!_ It's-" I point at Maria in particular! "It's her _birthday!_ C'mo~n here!"

...Giving me a freakin' _owlish stare_ , the bunny shakes her head and continues inside. "Okay."

Yeah, _yo._ Customer service… customer _re~spect!_

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

It's a big freakin' casino place, yo! Although, I already knew this…!

"...Bright." Genkan had her eyes squinted, just a bit.

"Really bright." Maria looked around at all the gold and platinum lights. "I've never seen anything like this…"

Hmm… hmm hmm!

As we meander inside aimlessly, I move towards one of the slot machines. It's slotty, dude.

... _Bo~ng!_ I punch it in the side! Yeah! We're investigating, dude!

... _Thunk_. Maria assists me by idly kicking the stool before it, after a few moments. Wohoho!

"What the fuck're you two doing…" Mokou stops her skittish looking around to focus on us. "We should make for the back rooms. I don't like this main room." Ooo.

... _Bo~ng!_ _Fuck_ this slot-

Click. The top of the slot machine opens, and a girl with braided golden hair sticks her head out, expression blank.

...After a moment, she blinks repeatedly-

 _Ding- ding- ding- ding- ding!_ Oh- holy shit! Her hair lit up and she's shooting coins at me with her _eyes!_

Ah- oof- oof- aah! I gotta shield myself with my arms…!

 _Fwa~sh!_ ...Genkan froze the slot machine solid, both arms held up.

"Freakin'...!" Those coins hit hard, dude! Lemme just rub my arms to confirm the bruises are in fact bruises- ohp, yep, they're bruises.

Mokou lets out a sigh. "Good job. What could be a _better way_ to announce our presence."

...Ceasing cringing from the freakin' 'you won the lottery' noises the machine made, Maria pans her head around at the people freakin' clapping for us. Yeah- people think we actually won apparently…! This stealth mission has gone horribly wrong!

...Kneeling down, I pick up a coin-

These coins all have Yukari's face on them, and she looks _smug_. They're probably freakin' painted iron or some shit…!

"Look, honey, they won…!"

"Hahaha~!"

"See!? You _can_ win!"

We've only been in here ten seconds, and we've drawn _all_ the attention. We would've had better luck walking in with a rocket launcher…!

Mokou looks _pissed_ , too…!

"Oh, hey…" Aw, dude. I hear a fluffy voice…

Turnin' around almost three-sixty, I see Maribel coming towards us from outta the slot machine lane! "I didn't think I'd see you, here. And…" She eyes my company!

Mokou steps up to her. "What the fuck's that supposed to mean?"

...Maribel shrinks back a little! "Well, um. I… don't… know you?"

"She's a friendly person, yo." I prevent Mokou from verbally abusing her! "I- my- we go _way back_ , dude. Way, way back…" Shakin' my head, I just, I oo~h…! "I-"

"Yeah, yeah." Mokou waves me off. "You _sure?_ "

"She ain't from the villa- she's an _outsider_." There ya go, yo. Ya wanted the truth… but you~ can't handle the-

"Oh." At that, Mokou ceases to care that Merry exists. "Let's get our ass in gear before Yuk-..." Oo~h. The name that shall not be spoken…! "... _Hnn-_ " She just _grunts_ to replace the name! "-rains on our parade."

"What're you guys doing?" Merry is understandably confused!

"Well…" Maria's not sure where to start!

...Genkan just gives the girl an unimpressed stare.

"We're hunting _wabbits._ " This is the quickest, most accurate explanation! "...Not _wabbit_ wabbits, like, we're looking for _sex dungeons_." Maybe it's a little too quick…!

...Merry blinks at me. "Okay." Wahaha!

I begin moving for the stage at the back wall of the club casino thingamajig. "Let's go backstage, yo…"

"Staff doors- no, use the staff doors!" Mokou snaps at me! "Are you retarded!?"

"Yes." I turn to her, nodding warmly…

"Good." Moving ahead of me, she marches for the staff door! "Follow my lead, and _so help me_ if you wander off and blow this shit."

You know, I think we blew stealth ten seconds ago, but okay, friend.

...Moving to the stage, I climb up onto it anyway! Just- ah, there we go, had to like use my arms to get on the platform…

...Mokou just stops before the staff door she was moving towards, looking up at me, before throwing her arms down. "Son of a bitch- come the fuck…" She floats up and onto the stage!

"Son, no…!" Backin' up, I get onto the stage's midst and step back a little-

Latching onto my shoulder, Mokou begins to tug. "Get the hell over here!"

"Aaa~h, aaa~h!" I start stomping against the ground, but it's almost useless…!

...Drifting up towards us, Genkan gives us a jaded stare. "You know responding to him like so is only feeding him."

...Mokou just glances at 'er, before- must fight… the tug…'cause she's tugging!

Then, she stops, staring at the crowd of people in booths and seats and stuff. They're all kinda watching us, real quiet!

…

"Hey, uu~h!" I call out! "Hey, everyone! We're practicing a~ new play!"

Mokou's expression slowly falls as I call out to the crowd…

"It's aa~h…" Lemme just _project_ the _voice_ … "It's called, 'get inside that staff door, or so help me'! It'sa- it's gonna be a good play!" Yelling to a whole crowd is _not_ my strong suit.

...Looking at Mokou, who's still got a _vice hold_ on my shoulder, I start tapping my free leg and movin' my right arm! "Get insi~de that staff doo~r, or so help me~...! So help me~, so help me- aah!"

Mokou just walks off-

 _Thud_. -with me still held onto, dragging me like a freakin' pillow. "Oof…! I- I'm bein' stagenapped yo…!" Aah, shit, I can't shout for _beans_ down here. It takes a conscious, concentrated effort to project my voice while standing and doing nothing else…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We are now… in the staff rooms! Well, a hall to them, anyway. This hall is pretty 'boring office'-y looking, ironically.

Dusting myself off, I grin at Mokou. "...I mean, if we haven't been stopped now-"

"Shh~." Now dismissive of what happened, Mokou moved ahead. "They got patrols 'n' shit back here. I-"

As we approached the first T-intersection, some rabbits walk out and turn to us instantly!

"...Ah." One of them looks over at Maribel. Oh- yeah, Merry and the friends all just kinda slowly followed, since that exchange took an _eon_ , yo.

"Hi, Mistress." A platinum-haired bunny waved! "Is rath' ni' day…" You said _what_.

"...Hey." Merry gave them a wave.

With that, the rabbits passed by us…

…

Mokou whirls to face Maribel! "You…!"

"Me…!" The poofy-hatted friend reaches down-

A gap opens, and she draws Porcelain Mirror from within!

"...I'm such a _retard!_ " Mokou reels an arm back-

 _Fwoom!_ A fireball lights up in her palm-

" _Yukari~!_ " Mokou lunges forward-

" _Reflectaga!_ " Merry thrusts her weapon into the air-

 _Fwam- Ti~ng!_ Mokou's fireball is consumed by the almost completely reflective, hexagon-composed barrier…

I back up, 'cause that barrier's gonna explode!

Maria had her arms up to try and mediate the oncoming tussle, but rapidly backed away from the spell…!

Noticing we all know something she _don't_ , Genkan slides away from the barrier as well-

 _FWA- FWA- FWA- FWOOSH!_ It _explodes_ into a freakin' series of echoing, white explosions as Mokou moved to try and fight the barrier itself.

" _Hua~h!_ " So she was flung down the hall-

 _Bam!_ -before hitting the wall at the T-shaped intersection. "Fff~ _uck!_ "

"I- I'm not Yukari…!" Maribel waved an arm at her! "I- I know I look like her, but umm-"

"Lying _bitch!_ " Mokou is not happy wit 'er!

"I'm sorry~!?" Merry looked around…! "Um! Can we… not fight in here, if we're gonna fight!?"

...At that request, Mokou took pause. " _Why?_ "

"Um- uh…" Merry was surprised she listened. I sort of am, too! "It- it'd be a little rude to… just _burn_ the walls. And, the place would probably fall in and hurt people, if it caught fire…"

...Yeah, that's actually pretty sound logic.

"...Fine." Mokou has been calmed down, son. Crisis averted! "Take us somewhere we can fuck each other up, then."

Merry looks awkward, which is fluffy. "Um. I… don't really _know_ how to like, move _people_ well yet."

...Mokou just kinda blinks at her. "Wha- what. Cut the shit."

"Why would I cut shit…" Merry spoke under her breath…! "Anyway-... yeah. Sorry."

Just kinda thrown off by that, Mokou shakes her head. "...Well, if you wanna fuck about and stalk us, do whatever. You probably found us because of _these_ fucks." She gives an offhand gesture to us!

...At that, Maribel tilts her head. "I mean… kind of, but not in-"

Storming off, Mokou seems to just abandon us entirely to explore the casino further. Alrighty then!

...After she's gone, Genkan focuses on our poofy-hatted friend. "Do you know the layout of this establishment?"

Her hanger sliding back into a gap, she continued forward down the hall. "Not rea~lly. I know modern buildings though, so…"

"I do too…!" I remind her!

And-

 _Thunk._ Maria screwed with a post-it board on the wall until it fell over.

I bring my hands to my head… "Dude, you killed it."

...She brings her hands up to her mouth!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

There's a _lot_ ta search, here. We _did_ find sex dungeons; they just weren't the rapey or breaky kind. They also required paid entry, so we didn't!

"What kind of scene are they running, here…?" Reaching forward, Genkan puts a hand on a corporate lookin' water cooler as we pass it-

 _Fwa~sh_. It's an _ice cooler_ now, dude.

...Ignoring the office cubicle clearing to our right, we come up to another door with a neon sign set up outside it.

Instead of a hyper-busty kitsune or catgirl or what have you, there was just a fluffy-looking girl with pink hair, and a poofy hat similar to Maribel's. "...Hi." She greets us casually…

"What's in there…?" Slipping past us, Maria tries to make a fluffy friend…

"Love." The girl smiles at us. "I love you." Oh.

"I love you too, dude." I confess my love to fluff nugget girl. "What is in the good room, friend?"

"Love." She starts to walk towards us…!

"He- hey." Maribel steps up to her…! "Don't harass these- aa- ah!"

The girl moves up and wraps her arms around her, pulling Merry into a hug. "Nnn~."

"Wh- ah…!" Merry resists, pushing against her gingerly! "No…"

"Mistress is tense…" The poofy girl nuzzles her _hat_ against Merry's cheek. "Come with me."

"Tha- that's okay…!" Merry tries to push her away-

"Come with me." Insisting again, the girl begins to moonwalk towards the door with Merry in her grasp-

 _Thunk!_ Merry slid a plant hanger I hadn't seen before from a gap, jabbing it into the girl's gut.

"Ooh…" She slid back into the door, relatively indifferent. "But… I love you."

"I don't love you…!" Merry's harsh on her!

"...Oh." Crestfallen, the poofy girl just kinda deflates.

…

Looking awkward, Merry just kinda moves ahead!

We make haste ta keep with her. I think we've gone up a few floors, since we've taken some freakin' regulated stairwells here and there.

"This place…" Maria huffs from the sheer amount of _walking._ "It's bigger on the inside…"

"Is it really." Genkan asks this knowing full well it is…!

...After another moment of travel-

Maribel pushes open some double doors at the end of the hall-

We're now on the third floor! This is the floor just below Yukari's balcony of fun times. There's not a lotta people up here…

"Woa~h…" Maria instantly takes to the guard rail and looks down. "O- oh…"

"Yeah…" Looking over the edge, Merry agrees. "Heights are weird, aren't they?"

"I've never been this high up before." Maria has never been on the third story of a building before! Which makes sense, because this village only has like two stories _max_ per building, and you don't typically get to stare into oblivion from the top.

...Merry just kinda gives her a look! "What, really?"

"...I- I mean, name me a building this big, that isn't this one." Maria defends her position!

"Empire state building." Maribel rattles off a building!

All this incites from Maria is a blink. "A whah?"

"...That mansion with the vampires?" Maribel tries another guess!

"...I mean, that's right, I guess." Maria lets 'er have that.

While the two fluffingtons bicker about fluffy things, I scan this sorta barren balcony level we're on…

There's really not a lot goin' on up here! There _are_ some fancy doors to what looks like the front of the building.

"Get the _hell_ off of _me!_ "

Oh, shit! Yelling!

Lookin' around-

Thu- thud! Mokou stumbles from out of one of those front doors ahead, arms and shoulders ablaze, her fire curiously technicolor-

 _Splop- splop!_ While she scrambles away, freakin' glops of _foamy cream_ are fired from the doorway. The door itself was just covered by violet curtains, so yeah, not much stoppin' the gloppin'!

"Fu- fuck…" Waving her arms as she stands and nears us, Mokou flails her limbs to shake some sticky, rainbow-colored crap from herself-

A woman wonders out of the curtained door, and- woah. Oh…!

It's a seven-tailed kitsune, with perky _blonde_ _hair_ , and neat bangs. She's also in a _candy bikini_ , holding a cartoonishly undetailed bazooka.

 _Shpoosh!_ She fires a poof of cream from her cannon!

 _Splop!_ It nails Mokou in the back, staggering her. "Gh- you _bitch…!_ "

"Fufufu~!" With a positively _smug_ expression, she almost wades further onto the balcony, mirthful as she accents her curves with her movement. "I'm gonna _wet_ your candle…"

"Ea- eat shit…!" Almost slowed to a crawl by her frustration and the _goop_ , Mokou just slowly chugs along…

Slipping her goo cannon into her tails, the kitsune prances over towards Mokou, a bounce in her step.

Whirling to face her, Mokou's hand glows with violent, bright energy-

 _Fwoom!_ She shoots a slow moving fireball-

 _Fwoom!_ With a swipe of her own hand, the kitsune put it out as it neared her. "I _love_ your hair…"

"I- I'm not in the fuckin' mood…!" As the fox girl neared, Mokou bought up her fists-

 _Woosh!_ In an instant, the girl's bare leg was up on Mokou's shoulder, her opposite hand caressing Mokou's face. "I'll get you in the mood."

...With this _massive exposure_ , Mokou moves a hand to immolate the kitsune's _crotch_.

 _Fwoom!_ Flames lick up her pale, soft skin-

"A- aah…!" The kitsune tilts her head back. "Tha- that feels-... ow- ow- you're melting the candy!"

 _Woosh!_ Thrusting back-

 _Thud_. The kitsune awkwardly landed on her back, before-

Cla- clack. She cast the partially melted Skittles bikini aside, and, yeah.

...Genkan covers Maria's eyes.

"I know what those look like." Maria remarks plainly. "I _have one_."

...I'm just kinda takin' it in, son. Takin' it-

Genkan covers _my_ eyes. Wat, no. Although… hands on _face,_ dude-

"Alright…" Drifting back onto her legs, the girl begins to blush. "Heat me up, baby~...!" She holds out her arms-

 _Fwoom!_ Oh. This kitsune's _also_ fire elemental No wonder that inferno Mokou erected in her crotch didn't hurt her more. She's just ignited her own arms…

Lunging forward, she moves to glomp Mokou-

Maribel crouches near the floor, stabbing her new, blue and silver-lookin' hunk of metal into it-

 _Fwuu~sh!_ A _pretty big_ geyser erects from the floor- which is curious since we're on a _balcony_ and all.

...A moment later, and the geyser falls!

On the other side of it, Mokou's lying on the floor in a freakin' _mess_ and the kitsune is some feet away, looking dissatisfied. "Wate~r…"

"There…" Letting out a sigh, Merry steps ahead. "Aa~h."

...I give 'er a grin! "What kinda noise was that…!? 'Aa~h'."

"The sound of vague befuddlement." She gives me a tired grin back…! "This place is too much."

...After a moment, we hear the flapping of wings, dude.

Looking to the side, we see Ha-chan's floated up from the lower floors. Oh, right, she slipped away again! Freakin'...!

"Hello~!" She waves at us!

"Hi..." All of us, barring the wiped out ones, give her some casual greetings.

Moving forward, I step past the hole Merry blew in the balcony-esque floor and move towards that curtain-clad door!

Brushing the curtains aside, I step in…

There's a room in here. There's a bunch of velvet furniture, and maroon carpeting. The walls're a dark navy marble or stone, and the place pretty much has the lights off.

...Oh, hey. _Light switches_ , dude. Consider that a first!

Click! Let there be _light!_

...Now I can look over the garish colors in their full glory!

Moving around the big round couch in the midst of the room-

"Nn~h…" Girlish moans…?

...A girl with bobby brown hair sits up on the couch- a~nd she's also in just a candy bikini.

Her cat ears twitch when she sees me. "O- oh…! Hehehe~..."

There's a fucking _ladder_ up to the next level- Yukari's platform place- and it's painted like _bright purple_.

...Some girl with a similar hairstyle but white hair sits up, her eyes yellow. _Also_ a candy bikini…! "What's up…? A- _oh._ "

"Aa~h…" A woman with flowing black hair emerges from behind a _chair_ near the ladder- alright this is too many people…!

Looking over at me, her red eyes lock onto my form, and she seems to stop. "Oh…? New to~y…"

Nope! Strafe jumping and humping the ladder is not a viable strategy right now, I'm definitely certain! I think I'm just gonna…

...I dart my gaze around the women as they start getting up-

Yep, moving towards me! Run to infinity~!

Moving outside the room, I see the friends approaching!

"It's a monster house…!" Running forward, I hide behind Genkan! "Help me, yo…!"

...Giving me a curious stare, she looks back at the room ahead. "Hmm? Is there another woman in there?"

"Woman _s!_ " I stress the vowel…!

...At that, Maria and Merry just kinda file back a little, to keep Genkan at the front.

"Ah." Indifferent, Genkan drifts ahead, relaxed. "I'm sure there's not-"

 _Woosh!_ The brown-haired kitty slides out-

"Mmh…!?" She kisses Genkan instantly…!

"Fuhehehe~!" The white-haired petite woman slides out beside her, grabbing onto Genkan's arm as if it was a defensive fixture-

"Oo~h…" Where'd this red-haired lady come from!? She's on Genkan's left now-

"Khehe~!" Orange-haired chick with bat wings floats out from the top of the doorway! What the fuck-

"More…" There's that black-haired woman-

Ha-chan comes up from behind me, which almost spooks me, but I hide behind her now! "Hey, yo, help…!"

 _Fwash!_ Genkan freezes the kitty immediately molesting her. "Fwa~h…!" Stepping back, she inhales-

" _Nnh!_ " That bat-winged girl drops onto her face, clamping on with her legs! "Eeh- hehe~!"

"Mghk-..." Stumbling back, Genkan starts prying at the girl-

"Sto- stop!" Merry commands the girls to stop! "You guys- um- mmh…!"

Sliding up to her, the girl with long black hair slid a long, pointy lollipop into her mouth. "You're _cute…_ "

"He- hey…!" On the other side of Genkan, Maria swings her staff around! "Sta- stay-"

Grabbing onto it, the red-haired lady encroaching upon her pulled herself closer to the mage. "Hmm~..."

"A- uah…" Pulling herself back, Merry slid the lollipop out of her mouth. " _Sleepaga!_ "

 _Fwoa~sh_. She thrust her arm into the air…

Thu- thu- thu- thu- thud. Everyone on the front pretty much collapses, including Genkan 'n' Maria, the horde of rapists, and-

"Aa~h…" Ha-chan falls away from me ahead, just barely clipped by the radius!

...Mokou slowly approaches us, wet and sticky and tired-looking.

That kitsune's nuzzling her shoulder, tails coiled around the opposite arm. "I- I can warm us up, baby…"

"Not in your dreams." Mokou gave her a flat retort.

"...Hah." Exhaling, Merry looks around. "That's great, but I'm kind of trying to not get raped, here…" Wat. Is she… talking to someone? That doesn't really make any-

"Ah." Realizing the damage she's done, Merry pans her gaze around. "Oh, Brad, you're still awake."

"I dodged matrix style." I confess, dude. "...When didja learn _tier three_ spells?" Freakin'... I wanna know Sleepaga!

"Oh…" She blinked. "Yukari lent me some books on magic."

A _wizard_ did it, huh.

"...What _kinda_ books, yo?" I'd like to read them! Merry was just as much of a magic normie as _me_ a few days ago, and now she's castin' _tier three_ 'prefabs' or whatever.

"Ah." She makes a gap in the air before me-

A fittingly violet book with nothing on the cover plops down before me.

"Um…" Stepping up to me, she brings her arms up. "Be careful while opening it. I'm not sure what it'll do to someone who's not me."

Son, are we talkin' exclusive downloadable content here!? Alright yo, I gotta see this shit!

Bending down, I take the book, stand, and open it.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...Well, I'm not holding the book anymore.

It's on the ground before me, again, just where Merry plopped it down. I'm standing where I was just before I tried to pick it up.

She steps on it to keep me from trying again! "Do- don't try that again, okay? You scared me."

Huh. "What happened, yo…?" How it feels to chew five gum, son…!

"...Just," as she steps off of it, a gap opens and consumes it, "don't think about it, okay?"

...Guess it's cursed or some shit! That'd figure.

Are- is my me still there? Ohp, yep, arms and body and legs and yeah. My _me_ is still there, man.

...Looking down at the pile of sleeping women, Merry takes out her silvery-blue hanger-

Moving over to Genkan, she holds it over her-

Spla- spla- splash. A controlled flow of water drops from the hanger. Freakin'- wasn't water boy my team role…!?

"Nn- mmh…!" Genkan flails her arms against the water-

 _Fwa~sh!_ Merry's hanger froze solid in and _to_ her hand. "...A- ah!" She swings it about, frazzled!

...I look over at Mokou-

The kitsune was now hanging off the guardrail, about to fall into the casino abyss. "Do- don't do this to me, baby~!"

 _Thunk!_ Mokou kicked at her fingers, only for the kitsune to slid her hand to the side a little. "Go _down_ you fucking…" Guess she didn't see what happened to me, then.

Cra- cra- crack. Merry somehow broke the ice after focusing on it, moving over to Maria…

Spla- spla- splash-

" _Aaa~h!_ " Maria sits up with a jolt!

"Woah!" Merry leaps back, a little…!

...Quickly maneuvering onto her feet, Maria brings her staff up defensively. "What's going on…!?"

"No- nothing, I think!" Merry yells back at her!

...I do a jazzy strut towards Maria. Once I get close, I stop and casually proceed towards the room ahead.

She looks confused. "Whah…?"

"Did you _need_ to use water…" Genkan wiped her face. "...Though, I suppose it removed that she-creature's _stench_." The smelly smell that smells _smelly_ …

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We have reached… the top of the ladder, yo.

Up here, I look around…

Yukari's not currently at her table, leaving the furniture completely unattended. Aw, dude…!

"Hmm…" Genkan pans her gaze around. "This is Yakumo's quarters, is it?"

"Yeah…" Merry romps ahead casually, before standing… casually. "She doesn't seem to be here, right now. Maybe we should go."

...Moving towards the white table, I grab onto it and begin pulling it towards the edge. "Hnn~h…"

Pu~ll… and pu~ll-

"Brad, no." Merry steps up to watch me pull the table away from the center of the top room. "I don't think Yukari'll be happy if you do that…"

"Aa~h, whatever, yo." I must cast this table to the flames. I've got an _urge, son_.

"Br- Brad…" Maria's offput by Merry's warning! "I- I don't think you should-"

"Brad, stop." Genkan, too! Everyone really doesn't want me to ruin this table, which makes me want to ruin it harder!

"I can't stop, dude…!" Tug! Tu~g! "I'm possessed!"

...Ha-chan flies up from the opening in the guard rail before me! Aah! "Nn~h…" She's drowsy, dude…

The guard rail opening's there 'cause it's for that weird elevator me and Merry stepped onto the last time we were here. No~w…

 _Bam!_ I punt the table!

It tips off into the gap…

"Um." Merry holds herself…

Maria sighs.

"Bra~d." Genkan just sounds vaguely chiding.

…

 _Clang- bam!_ Hoh- shit!

The table lands next to me…! And- oh shit shit this is one hell of a time to lose your balance next to a convenient hole in the guard railing-

I'm stopped from falling into the abyss by an arm.

"Watch your _step_." ...I meet Yukari's smug smile, her arm on me to keep me dropping into infinity. "You might hurt yourself, if you're not careful, Brad."

She tugs-

 _Thud_. I slide to the ground before the party, Yukari's tug sending me skidding across the tiled floor here…! Oof.

...As I sit up-

Genkan stops to push me down again with her sandal. "Idiot." Genkan, please…!

"So~..." Trotting over to us leisurely, Yukari's expression is relaxed. "What brings you all here, today?"

"You told me to explore." Merry pouted at Yukari… "All your staff people here keep trying to rape me."

"Mmm." Yukari doesn't really care!

"...Pardon our intrusion." Genkan makes sure to watch her steps around a youkai like Yukari…! "We're here to investigate. Your establishment is highly suspect, according to the Hakurei maiden-"

"Oo~h, Reimu's just joki~ng." Giving Genkan a smug smile, Yukari steps closer. "Besi~des. What's a dignified yuki-onna such as yourself taking orders from a Hakurei maiden for, hmm~?"

...At that, Genkan takes her sandal off 'a me and drifts back a little. "...I do as I please."

"What of all the _injustices_ , hmm?" As I get up, Yukari steps closer, curiously chill about her approach. "I thought you all held an undying and just grudge, no?"

"I'm taking the time to think about what exactly to hold my grudge against." Drifting back further, Genkan met Yukari's gaze. "...Humans, yes, but it has become exceedingly obvious over these past few days that, at least in this place, there are… degrees of variety, you may say."

...I stand up, ending up in Yukari's way-

Yukari continues to walk forward, now past me, somehow. Oh.

"And what would your sisters think?" Yukari stopped just beyond me. "Knowing you've betrayed their cause to _think_ of your standing?"

…

"They're… not as _ignorant_ as you make them to be, Yakumo." Genkan sounds a _little_ iffy on that, not gonna lie…! "They're my kin for a reason, and we've had a long time to learn."

"And only after some decades, you stop and consider…" Yukari brings a hand to her cheek. "My~. The cold is rather stubborn."

"If they don't see, then they _will_ see." Landing solidly on the ground, Genkan reaffirms herself. "I just need time to research this, for myself."

…

Looking _pretty mirthful_ , Yukari pivots around to face me.

...She says nothing, though! Um…!

"You wanted to learn some magic, yes?" Ooo…!

...I grin! "Yeah, yo!"

"That's nice." She gives me a blunt reply.

…

Oh. I thought… we were going somewhere with that. Son.

"Hey, um…" Merry's _fluffy_ , my dudes. "Why'd you antagonize that yuki-onna…?"

"Oh, don't worry your pretty little head about it." Yukari slowly tilts her head to Merry. "How goes things on your end, hmm?"

"Rapey." She puts it bluntly…! "Why're all your friends _molesters?_ "

"Oh, some day, you'll appreciate it more than you ought to, too." Waving her off, Yukari drifted past me, and towards the hole in the guardrail. "Do you have any crushes?"

"As if you don't already know, probably…!" Merry raises a- what the fuck is that. Is that… a _club?_ Not just any club, it's like… made of the bastard child of a million VCRs.

Also! "Yo, Yukari! We gotta _investigate_ this place!" Since Genkan got thrown severely off-topic, I'm gonna-

Turning towards me, Yukari opens a gap-

" _Oo~h!_ " Loud moans emanate from it. "Aa- aah! Fu- fuck- _nnnh!_ "

" _Ye- yes! Yes!_ "

 _Cla- clang!_ " _Stop-_ please! _Stop-_ aa- ngh…"

The inside of the gap is filled with blinding, blurry lights, but vague humanoid shapes can be made out-

As Yukari steps around it, a naked woman starts to crawl through. "Hehehe- nnh… so- so warm! So wa~rm!"

The brown-haired woman almost gets all the way through-

 _Pap_. Yukari kicks her back inside.

" _Oohn!_ " She moans as she flops back in-

The gap shuts, the room's lighting returning to normal.

...Rotating back towards us, she nods.

…

"Wha- what?" Maria was deeply confused.

"Why, it was the pit of worship." Yukari had a pleasant expression. "Do you live in a cave?"

"Yes." Genkan replied bluntly.

"No, this establishment is not legal." Yukari admits outright. "We're sexually exploiting youkai and humans of varying age groups- however…! It is _a~ll_ … consensual. Minus the ones we have to _kill_ , of course. Never a happy sight, except when it is. But, I assure you, it isn't."

...Ah. Aa~h huh.

"If you think me of ill will…" Yukari holds out her arms. "Go ahead and detain me, officers." Daa~h…

...Yeah, I don't think this'll go well!

...I step up to Yukari. "You are… a rest!"

Bringing her arms down, Yukari pats the now very large and obvious pockets on her dress. "Search me, why don't you?" Wat.

…I reach into one- woah…!

Pulling my arm back out-

Thud. I fall onto my _ass_ because I pull out an _entire girl_ from Yukari's pocket.

"Oo~h…" At first, her form is blurry and totally impossible to make out, but as she pans her head around awkwardly-

Suddenly, she looks like Maria, except with pinker hair, and _red eyes_.

...Now, she properly focuses on me. "Hi~."

"No, yo." I'm gonna shove fluffles down your shirt, generic doppelganger number _sixty-nine_.

...Standing up, and wiggling not-Maria from my arms, I reach back into Yukari's pocket!

And-

"Hey…"

I pull out another girl. Freakin'...!

...This one's not a generic rapey person, though.

The twin-tailed cat drops off my arm, landing on her legs casually. It's a _Chen_ , dude!

"Kitty…" Not-Maria moves for Chen-

 _Swish!_ Chen swipes at the doppelganger casually, before turning to me. "...Hi." She looks me up and down once, before smiling. "...You're Brad, right?" Aw, she knows me, dude!

"Yeah, yo!" I give her a nod!

...In the background, three lines of red slowly become prominent on the doppelganger's face, her eyes widening as the scratches begin to bleed. "...A- ah."

Ha-chan sleepily drifts over to us. "Ooo~. Kitty…"

Aw, dude, that's right.

Reaching down, I give Chen a friendly pet-

 _Crunch._

…

Chen's bit down on my hand, she did, looking none less relaxed about it.

Reaching down, Yukari pets her herself. "Oh, right. I told Ran to tell her to do that, whenever a bad man tries to pet her." I'm a bad man, now…!?

Maria and not-Maria have their hands to their mouths in the background.

" _Aaaa~h!_ " Feel my _yelling powe~r!_

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Long story short: we didn't get no investigating done! Too much Yukari, freakin'- _rapist chicks everywhere_ , we got assaulted by a _slot machine_ , Mokou got like molestigated by fire elementals, and the place was _big_ and full of _monster houses_. And Chen _bit me!_

Back outside the Golden Grin, Mokou was covered in kiss marks, her clothes were half on, and she had candy and cream smeared all about her. "I fucking _hate_ sluts."

"She certainly has a way with words…" Genkan had her eyes on Small Packages, just down the road.

"I'm surprised I wasn't to- touched, or anything." Maria expresses her gratitude at not being molested!

"Me too." Merry nods gingerly. "...Well, I got a lollipop shoved into my mouth, but other than that, it was kinda okay. That magic Yukari taught me really helped. Sorry I couldn't help you with that, Brad."

My hand was healed because ice magic, but I can still sort of feel it…! "Chen _bit me!_ "

"We _know_." Genkan gave me a dry stare…!

"Why do cats betray me~?" Ha-chan shook her head. "We had cats at the mansion, once. They were _fluffy_ …"

Oo~h. "Did they bite you, yo?"

" _Yes_." Ha-chan pouted! "What'd I ever do to cats…!?"

...Looking down at her list, Maria noted our next destination. "Small Packages is right next door, so…" Aa~h, fuck. Aaa~h, shit. Aaaa-

"Renko's there!" Merry somehow knows this! Wait- she is now!? Ooo~h! Hoo~h…!

"Oo~h, boy…" I shake my head. "Oh boy. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy-"

"We're gonna be _fine._ " Genkan, don't say shit like that. If anything happens, we toss Mokou at things and run.

"What's got _your_ panties in a bunch?" Speaking of Mokou, she notices my disdain!

"They got a _secret weapon_ in there, my gi- dude." I had to reconsider my line, I'm so tense about this!

...Mokou blinks. "And… you know this how?"

"'Cause I saw it!" I don't think I need much more justification! ...Wait! "Merry!" Merry Merry Merrybel! "Remember that apsara?"

...It takes her a moment, but- "Oo~h!" Her eyes light up! "...O- oh, you mean _that_ girl…?" Yeah, dude!

I turn to Ha-chan! "Short girl, purple, ripped holy youkai to shreds while you were trying to molest me!"

...Ha-chan idly focuses on me. "Whah?" Freakin'...!

"Well, it's not like she'll just _jump_ us…" Maria continues towards the rundown bar. "We were in there last time, and I didn't see her leap out and kill anyone."

...After a moment, we stop before the bar.

The guards at the door have like, plates left out next to them, and bowls of water. Are- are they being fed literally like dogs…!?

"Go- go on in…" This time, the guy's voice is raspy, and he doesn't look well. Help, dude.

...I keep myself in the midst of my party as we push in!

As usual, this place has an even shittier bar atmosphere than most shitty bars…! Freakin'... what's that _pile of plywood_ in the corner for? Oh- ah. Took me a moment, but those're the stairs! Yes… good stairs.

There's some dudes in here, but they don't really mind us.

"Fucking…" Mokou- oh, hey, she got to keep that weird goo cannon that tormented her, at least. "How's this shit work…"

...Renko's at the counter! So's Albus…

Moving up to the counter, I sit next to him. "He~y, buddy! How ya doin', what ya doin', why ya doin'!?"

...He just gives me a _stare_. "Fuck o~ff." Aw. Nice person, dude.

"Hey, Renko." Merry approaches her friend…

"Ah, they didn't have any orange juice." Renko slid a second water where Merry could access it. "Here."

"Cool…" She takes it!

...There are only lolis behind the counter.

"Hi- hi…" It's that topless vampire! "How are you…?"

"You are how." I greet the friend.

There's some black-haired loli in a suit behind the counter. Actually, she was at the village council the other day. And… she's affiliated with _this place_ apparently. Wau~.

Also, where's Matt? I didn't even see him like, _run off_. He's just outright not here. Maybe upstairs...

"Deja vu I just felt this happen before…!" Rumia's also down here, for some reason. Why's Rumia here…!?

...Maria sits next to me, an' Genkan next ta her. Mokou doesn't take a seat and just kinda _stands around_ -

Ha-chan tries to snuggle into my lap again. "Hi…"

"Son- why…" Freakin'... snuggle bug me up, dude.

...I look over at the red-eyed suit loli. "Hello, friend! If you could find me a _Matt_ , yo, I'd appreciate it…!"

"Matt's not he~re right now." She replies sassily. "Please fuck o~ff." Now she's just bein' rude…!

"We're here for an investigation." Genkan informs the loli staff. "On behalf of the Hakurei shrine maiden."

...The lolis look between one another, before the new loli that isn't Rumia focuses on me. "Good lu~ck."

Oh, good. She _knows_.

…

Genkan rises. "We shall get started, then."

Oo~h, boy. "Lem _me_ direct our actions, here…" I stand up- freakin', Ha-chan, help- and make my desired authority known! "...'Cause I know what we're gettin' into, maybe!"

...Maria points at the back door. "Should we, um…"

"There's nothin' out that way, I think!" I remember seeing _light_ out that way, and that's also where Matt went when the heroines came, so it's probably the 'get the fuck outta here' door. Not helpful…!

"Anyone gonna ask questions about the _topless girl?_ " Mokou raised a point rather plainly. "You all just kind of ignored her."

...Before we could address her, the vampire girl spoke up herself. "That's just… how I dress." Oh.

"You're not forced to be here, or anything?" Mokou looks over at her.

"No." She shakes her head. "This place feels safe, to me."

...At that, Mokou just shrugs and leaves it alone. "Suit yerself. Sure as hell don't look it."

"How comes she gets to go 'round nakey, but I can't…!?" Ha-chan pouts! "That's not fair…"

"Because Sakuya." I state… but also, "I'm not stoppin' you, though…!"

"I am." Genkan retorts. "It's-... just don't do that."

" _You_ should try going nakey, some time…" Ha-chan makes for Genkan, slowly but surely…!

"I will encase you in ice." Genkan threatens her…!

I make for the plywood stairs. "Alright... freakin'..." Should I have Merry be on the front with us? S'not like Yukari'll just let her cuddlemuffin' _freakin' die_ , so she might be good. Mokou and Merry'll be our unkillable plot armor characters. They don't die yo, they just 'retreat'.

...Oh, yeah, these aren't plywood stairs. They're a freakin' slope. At least running the hell out of here will be faster.

Climbing to the top of the slope, I awkwardly grab onto the wall once I reach the top and step onto the wood beams at the top, through the less than safe jagged wood gap up here…

There's a bed on the very left, neatly made. The door ahead is open, the room seemingly empty. The door on the right is closed-

" _Hehehe~!_ " Giggling is heard from the room on the right.

Since there's _life_ in that room, I think we'll consider that one…

"Wow…" Now up here, Maria looks around. "What've they done with the place…?" She moves forward-

" _Hold it._ " We ain't even _wandering 'er shit_ without my go.

"Ah…?" She gives me a questioning stare, but doesn't argue.

"...Are you alright?" Genkan notices I was bein' _legit_ for a moment there.

"Maybe." I near the closed door… "I want'cha guys to gather around this door, and we'll like, enter collectively." SWAT tactics!

...Ha-chan 'n' Mokou're up here-

"Yo, Mokou." I call 'er out! "I want you to stay _near_ that door." I point to the _open_ door.

"...Why not just look inside?" Mokou gave me a dry stare, one hand in her pockets and her other on that goozooka. "I'm not a pussy like you guys, y'know."

"Tru~st me." I try to make her trust me! "Like, just for this _one_ instance- since this place seems to have what, _three rooms_ \- like… can we just-"

"Alright, geez." Mokou moves to stand _near_ the door. "Don't give yerself a concussion. If it's really just for this _one_ place, fine."

Hoo. Ho ho. Alright…

Maribel's up here! "Where do you wanna put me?"

I point at the door. "Next to Mokou, basically. You guys're our tank classes. I recommend takin' out Porcelain Mirror!" I do~n't wanna be he~re!

"...Alright." Maribel does as directed!

Alright…

...Reaching down for the knob, I cast open the door to the right room!

Stepping inside, I draw the first hanger I can and wave it about! "Freeze!"

…

Oh. There's two people having _sex_ on the couch on the right.

...They look over at me. Is- is the girl… _penetrating_ \- you know what…

"He~y, get the fuck out." This woman with long blonde hair ahead gives me the middle finger, just kinda sitting in a plain wooden chair. "Unless you paid to deal with my hard-on…"

Click. I close the door.

...I turn back to my party, grinning! "Not what I _anticipated_ , but that means the mine can only be in _one_ square…!"

This door to this _empty_ room. Freakin'...

"Genkan, Maria." I point at the stairwell. "I want you guys near the stairs. If we begin falling back, just get to the lower floor."

"Oka~y." Genkan seems very skeptical.

"Alright…" Maria moves towards the slope…

"Merry, here." I tap the floor on the right of the door, hugging the corner. "So we can like, surround the door from all sides… at least from one side!"

"Okay." Merry rearranges herself, moving away from Mokou and arriving at the door's side, here. This is some freakin'... strategy shit!

...Only once Merry gets to this spot, she begins to peek in from this rightward angle…

Looking over her shoulder, as she peers in, I see what she sees…

On the left wall, there's _something_ fucked up going on. Strange, grey wood is clung along the side of the wall like ivy, from a scuzzy crevice along the edge of the floor, where the root of this plant thing might be. It traveled across the floor, but only a little, stopping and traveling along the wayside as if to purposefully mask the surface from being seen.

Shikome's standing in the corner of the room, peering at us with luminescent, purple eyes.

…

"Hey." Merry gives her a wave with her offhand. "Um. Who're you?"

Shikome begins power walking towards us…!

"Prepare to reflect…!" I kind of back away! "Mokou, back with me-"

Merry blinks. "Ah-"

 _Fwoosh_.

...In the next moment, a gap pops out of nowhere and consumes Merry entirely.

Where she was, a spread of tendrils hung in the air. Oh _shit!_

" _Fuckin' run!_ " It's time to run like the nineties memes and fucking- _let's go!_

Mokou is indeed backing up with us! "One of them _fast_ pieces of shit, huh…"

Maria's already down the slope it seems, but Genkan's floating over the hole for whatever reason-

Shikome steps out of the room, arms ready for _shit_ \- get me the hell outta here!

" _Hold it!_ " Mokou aims her goozooka at the loli. "Fuckin'- stand still, yeah!?"

...Shikome ignores her, stepping into the door frame-

I get onto the very top of the plywood slippy slide, which is like a little down from the second floor's plane. "Genkan, let's freakin'-"

 _Thunk!_

"Ah…" A tendril stretches across the room, striking the space _next_ to Genkan's head, passing through her hair in the process-

Letting myself drop, I grab onto her leg since she's still drifting over the hole-

 _Bam!_ I hit my _ass_ and start tumbling-

"Ah!" I take Genkan with me, my weight pulling her down-

 _Splop- splop!_ Mokou's launching goo-

 _Clack!_ Shikome's _on the wall above us now holy fucking_ -

As we fall, only now does Genkan's instincts to evade kick in-

Thu- thud- thud! We roll around on the ground, roaring down the plywood 'cause Genkan just threw herself into the ground and over me, basically. Ow…

"Gu- guys…!?" Maria runs up to us!

 _Cla- cla- clack!_ The plywood splashes about as Shikome plunges into it-

 _Splop- splop- splop!_ Mokou dives down after her, firing the goo straight down. "Your fight's with _me_ , asshole!"

"We gotta go!" I get up! "Go!" Run! Book it! Waa~h!

...As Shikome gets covered with goo-

 _SHINK!_ Tendrils bloom out from her form and pierce through all of it, reversing the progress Mokou made in slowing her.

"Ghh…!" Mokou was also pierced in like ten different places, now.

 _Shink_. Retracting her tendrils, Shikome was able to wipe herself of the clumpy, creamy goo, before proceeding to march towards the immortal.

 _Splop- splop…!_ Despite bleeding from ten holes, Mokou kept firing forward-

Now untangled from one another, the three of us all get the fuck out the front door!

Albus and Renko just seem to be _biding their time_ and passively observing. Albus, you're a failure…!

Slowly marching forward, Shikome's pace slowed to a crawl as she became cluttered with more goo-

 _SHINK!_ She became a massive blossom of tendrils, rending all the clumpy goo that covered her.

...We're all outside, now, pretty much just getting the fuck out!

"Wha- what…" Genkan was breathing heavily, eying the bar from out here. "What was that…!?" Bringing a hand to her chest, she just kind of deflates…!

"I _toldja_ it was a bad idea…" I'm _winded_. Genkan nearly got _brainfucked_. Fuck. "Je~sus…!"

...After a moment, Mokou backpedals out of Small Packages-

 _Bam!_ A force strikes her from inside, sending her stumbling back, her legs flailing as she tries to keep her balance…

"Go- kaugh- go on in…" Cool _doorbell guards_.

Shikome marches outside-

"Ha- kaugh- haha~!" Laughing at her, Mokou raises an arm-

 _Fwoom!_ -which flares with amber flames. "Now I don't have ta worry 'bout-"

 _Shink!_

...Galloping up to her, Shikome sends a single tendril forward, smashing Mokou's head in.

...Bringing the tendril up-

 _Woosh_. She swung Mokou's body around Sheriff Woody style-

 _Woosh!_ -before flinging it down the road, towards us-

 _Bam!_ Genkan stumbled back from guarding against Mokou's limp body, which slammed into her arms. "A- ah…!"

"Oh- oh my god…!" Maria looked over at the body, before bolting back. "Ru- run…!"

 _Woosh!_ Genkan moves to grab Maria, before accelerating back-

 _Cra- crack!_ Shikome stretches two tendrils to a nearby building, ready to pull herself across the road to fling herself at us-

"He- hey…!"

...That tiny vampire ran outside, waving an arm.

...Shikome stops in her tracks, turning to her.

"We, um… need you." Vanilla remarks plainly. "To, um, stack the plywood again…"

…

Slowly, Shikome retracted her tendrils.

Walking up to her, Shikome picked her up by the armpits, and carried her inside.

"Um…?" The tiny vampire blinked curiously at her as she was carried away…

…

I turn back to my party.

They were already some distance away, but they'd stopped when they saw what happened too.

...Genkan practiced breathing. "...Th- that was…"

...As I move for Genkan-

Maria stepped up to Mokou's body, gazing at the blood pooling under it. "N- no… she- she's dead…"

...Do we not know Mokou's immortal? Oof. Aaaa~h!

Genkan lays a hand on her chest again. "That was… too much."

Yeah, yeah it was too much. Freakin'...

...Looking up from herself, Genkan saw Maria, and then Mokou. "...Ah. The immortal…" Good, I'm not the only one who knows! That'd just be some weird shit…

...Stepping up to Genkan, I exhale.

"Hrrm…" Frowning, she lets out a sigh as she dusts her kimono a little. "That went…"

She's all rattled. Maria's all rattled. _I'm_ all rattled. Freaki~n'...

Exhaling, I throw caution to the wind- 'cause we sure as hell just _did_ …

I give Genkan a hug.

"Ah…" She blinks at first, before looking over at me.

...You know, I half feel this is appropriate, and I half feel it _isn't_. Don't know until I try, and I did, so…!

"You _really_ tried to protect us…" Genkan speaks of my extreme caution…! "If I had approached that situation as carelessly as normal…"

"...Yeah." I just kind of nod.

"I should have listened more than I did, even." She looks over at Maria. "You dragged me down right before it shot towards me. I thought, with the immortal there…"

...Sighing again, she frowns. "...It's scary."

Oh! Ah. Maria joined and made it a group hug…!

"Kei- Keine's friend…" Sobbing, Maria buried her face in Genkan's kimono. "They killed her…"

...Whelp. We're all _sad_ again. This freakin' village…! Aaa~h! Freakin', when I find Matt, I'm gonna _al-kabong_ him, dude. Getting me and my fluffy friends nearly killed is where I draw the line! Next time I see him, yo, he ain't gonna _know!_

"Wha- what do we do…?" Maria whined into Genkan summore. "If- if Mokou can't…"

Genkan brings her arms around the both of us. "We should just… take a moment, I think. To do something less… _stressful_."

...There's some footsteps from nearby-

Mokou ruffles Maria's hair.

...Blinking, she lets go of Genkan and turns-

"A- aah…!?" She's surprised!

The immortal gives her a lopsided smile. "...Sorry about the whole 'dying' thing. They don't usually get a good potshot on me like that."

"Bu- but…!" Maria looks past her, at the blood at the ground. "You were…!"

"I'll have Keine make this whole thing up ta you, okay?" Mokou's smile becomes fuller. "...I just want'cha to remember this. A girl like me represents an _idea_ …"

Holding up a hand-

 _Fwoom_. She ignites some warm fire in it. "And ideas are _bulletproof_."

...The idea of _undying rage_ , yo. Also- you stole that from a movie. But I'm not gonna intervene, 'cause this is good…!

...Maria's kind of mystified! "Wha~h…"

"More genuinely…" Genkan smiles back at her. "Mokou here is a Hourai immortal. No matter how gruesomely she is deconstructed…"

"If you blow me to itty bitty bits, I come back." Mokou summarized, sticking her hands in her pockets again. "...So, if you see me bite the big one again… y'know, don't sweat it. Kinda feels bad to have people actually _care_ when I die." Hoh…!

"...Ok- okay!" Maria seems to have gotten that well enough!

"...I'll see someone about that hellhole _later._ " Mokou gestured back to Small Packages. "Wasn't there one last place on this list 'a yours…?"

...Maria blinked. "Oh, right…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Tiny Tim's Motel.

…

It sure as fuck ain't no Golden Grin or Small Packages.

We're standing before a house that's smaller than our entire party is wide. I mean, fuck, it's _essentially_ a glorified outhouse.

There's a tubby _bald dude_ sitting before it, wearing a party hat and glasses.

...Dryly, I just saunter up to him. "...You _Tiny Tim?_ "

...His arms folded as he sits on his peach crate, he looks up at me. "Yeah, hey, I'm Tiny Tim." You sure as hell don't sound tiny, nor like a 'Tim'...

"What's this place…?" Maria looks the _wood box_ _with a roof_ up and down.

"Tiny Tim's Motel." Tiny Tim told, able to tell our total confusion. "And I'm Tiny Tim."

"Good for you." I'd give him a pat on the back, but he's leaning with his back against the wall…! "...What do we do here?" I haven't a fucking clue where to start. Do we just open the door…?

"...It's a motel." He shrugs. "You sleep."

…

I open the door-

Oh. Um.

...I step inside. Wha~t.

It's like a fuckin' _log cabin_ in here. There's a fireplace, and some doors to other rooms…

...Everyone else ends up following me in.

"Oh, yeah." Mokou just kinda accepts this. "I remember this guy. I have no fuckin' idea how this works."

"...Do you have any hints?" Maria turns to her, bewildered!

"He can sell you a specific amount of uses." Mokou summarized. Freakin'- uses? "...Each 'use' works on a door, archway, entry way, whatever… and takes you to the place you bought. And, as far as I can tell, no one else can get in here unless they're like fuckin' Yukari or use your door. The magic runs out if you bum out in it too long, though. Like, two or three days."

Is this what end-game tier space magic looks like? Holy shit. This is like… you could _live_ here! it's a real house in the village! Probably minus modern necessities, but dayum!

"Wo~w." Maria nods at the place…

There's a big comfy chair before the fire place. The fire place seems to be burning, but the wood's not dissipating into ashes.

"I believe hermits sometimes use similar arts to disguise the location of their homes…" Genkan looks tempted to use the big chair. "Perhaps it's spacial magic."

"Nah, it's fuckin' _water magic_." Mokou jests. "How could it be anything _but_ space magic?"

...This just makes me wonder more about who the hell's Tiny Tim…! Who turned him into a wizard!?

There're stairs up to a second floor; said second floor being visible from here, three doors leading to three upper rooms. In the back down here, beneath the second floor awning there seems to be a kitchen, and some other room…

I move to see the other room…

Ooh, pantry and things, with another door. I move to see what's in there-

Oh. Toilet and sink. Sink…!? This place has _plumbing_ , my boy! Space plumbing, provided, but… yo.

...After a moment of looking around, we move back outside to speak with Tiny Tim.

"Alright, I a~m impressed." I admit! "...How much for a 'use' of that house in there?"

"Twenty-five thousand yen per use." He gives his price! Which is… a _price_.

...Well then. "...What's your _cheapest_ use?" Goin' for economy!

...He looks over at the door-

 _Bam_. The door slams shut, before swinging back open.

...The actual abode is some feet down beneath the door's actual height. It's… it's a tent. Strung up by sticks with two openings.

...Crouching down, I crawl in. There's super fake foliage out the front, the world ending almost instantly. Actually- if I just crawl out into there-

I'm back outside the door, crawling on the ground. Oh, so if you leave the space, you just get booted.

"That's five thousand yen per." Tiny Tim declared, shifting his folded arm posture.

...Well, for one thing it's a _tent_ , but it's also a _pocket dimension tent_ where you'll be a lot safer compared to setting up a real tent. Also, the tent's location seems to be 'fake grassland' with moderate temperature- I'd figure, despite my kimono- so yeah.

...And, y'know what? "I'll take two 'a the tents!" Ten thousand yen for two periods of ultra-safeness! Freakin'- we're gonna have to do more _jobs_ for _cash_ soon. I'm breakin' the bank, yo.

Giving a nod, the guy unfolds one of his arms-

He holds out two square things, with yellow, blue and red carvings and folds all over it. "Tent access. Put 'em on a door, entryway, whatever you think you can fit into, there ya go. Jus' be mindful 'a where ya put it, these last three days about."

...I wonder how much trolling potential this'd have for the entrances to institutions. Just fuck their door for like a weekend, everyone who tries to get in gets sent to _tent land_.

Takin' out the cash, I give it to him and accept my _tent stones_. Wait, this is pretty much buying freakin' cottages. So _this_ is how that shit works…!

...Lookin' at the girls, I grin! "I just bought some _tents!_ " Yeah, no wonder people called this guy suspicious. But, he doesn't seem bad. That, and he's not _running a bar_ , I'm like ninety percent certain.

"...Well." Genkan takes the encounter in. "...That was less of an investigation, and more of a transaction."

"I think we're done, then…" Maria crosses the last bar off the list. "Thank god."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...After all of that, it's _almost_ sunset, but not quite!

Standing in the midst of the village square, we look idle and fluffy…

"Oh, yeah…" Watching the clouds pass, Maria makes some idle comments. "What happened to that girl with the hat…? Merry, you called her?"

"She _retreated_ , dude." Yukari probably yoinked her out of there before she got insta-gibbed. Can you imagine the fallout if she actually died somehow? S'probably kinda freakin' risky to bank on game sense in a real world scenario…! Well, it's better than sending people with _no chance_ of survival to the front.

"I assume you knew she could do that." Genkan figures, moving her gaze from the surroundings to me. "...Just as you knew the immortal was, well, immortal."

Yeah, pretty much! "...Yeah, pretty much!" Meta strategies, son. Fire Emblem and Valkyria Chronicles teach you to abuse story characters like that! Well, in Fire Emblem you'd just get an _instant game over_ , depending, but that's besides the point.

Right now, Mokou's gone to gather up some _big boys_ to help her do more home invasions. She'll probably round them up here when she's done, but we're not necessarily waiting on her, right now…

There we go, yo. Reimu struts towards us from one of the off roads. Mokou said she was gonna tell 'er ta meet up with us while she ran around, and she did!

...Since Reimu's approach was blunt and silent, it takes my party a moment to entirely focus on her.

"You're soft." I point at the shrine maiden…

"Hey." Looking us around, she stretches a little… "How're you guys?"

...Smiling, Maria awkwardly shifts before her. Aw.

" _Worn_ , to put it lightly." Shiftin' her posture, Genkan looks less composed than she typically does.

"I'd figure." Beginning to dig around in her pocket, Reimu glances away for a moment… before bringing out a small coin pouch. "I had some people put this together, for you guys."

...She looks around at who to give it to! I move to respond-

Genkan slowly takes it, but not as slowly as I tried! "What is this…?"

"Some money." Reimu summarizes plainly. "...I knew I said this was voluntary, but after what you guys went through, I felt a little bad. Thank some _friendly villagers_ for those coins, because it's not my money." The way she put emphasis on 'villagers' makes me think she just blew up boys for it…!

"Oh, right." Reimu stopped before running off. "Some of it's from Keine, too. As in, she actually donated you guys some. The rest of it's some of the confiscated money from around the place." Ho ho.

"I see…" Genkan gazes at the bag…

"Thank you…" Maria gives Reimu a fluffy thank you.

...Raising a brow, the shrine maiden turned around, before floating away. Hoo hoo…!

"...That was abrupt." Genkan began to open the bag. "Let us see…"

Aw, let's get close, dude-

Inside, instead of just coins, there's a buncha rolled up yen bills.

...After digging through them, Genkan came to a realization. "This is more than a few thousand. Well over ten thousand, even." Ooo~. Maybe we won't _have_ to do jobs, after all!

...Closing the bag, she nods. "We'll count it later, when we can get a better look at it." Honh.

Before we can decide our next course of action- or at the very least rouse ourselves from being idle and _tired_ , Mokou crosses back into the main square, followed by a small ensemble of freakin' lunatics, yo…

Albus is following her, drinking from a bottle.

Behind him's a dude in a suit 'a armor… oh, that's that Mike guy! Aw. If anyone can break and enter, yo, it's probably Mike!

There's also that guy with big golden armor, a _big band aid_ on his forehead. He looks about as exhausted as we are…!

...I thought a _cube_ was stalking them, but it was actually some generic guard holding like two _big doors_ with both arms, lugging them along his sides. Does he just… have no weapons? Are the doors his weapons…!?

Coming up to us, Mokou stops. "...Reimu get to ya guys, yet?"

"Yeah, yo." I point at the bag that Genkan's slippin' away… "We got _moony_."

"...Right." She gestures to her _thot patrol_. "These're all the guys I've found so far."

From here, we can see someone running into the clearing from the direction they came from…!

...For all intents and purposes, they're kind of unassuming, except the helmet covers the entire face, unlike most guards. It's got this bell shape to it…! That, and this _huge ass bow_ on the dude's back, and a pretty tall-lookin' blade, too.

"Hi, Albus!" I wave at him!

"Fuck you~." Yeah, dude!

"...And you mean to tell me _these_ are not youkai, _either?_ " Mike gives Mokou a skeptical glare.

"Yo, Mike!" I wave at 'em! "It's _me_ , dude. We went on that doppelganger mission!"

...He gives me a look like he's _stupefied_ , but then shakes his head. "Ah- yes! Bobby, right!?"

Yeah- uh huh! " _Yeah,_ dude!"

"Don't matter if they're youkai or not." Mokou's indifferent to his boisterousness. "Bus guy, you see Fred around today?"

"...I already told ya, _no_." Albus glares at her.

"Just checking, 'case your booze fucked you over." Mokou dismisses his input…! "Mike, where's Meira?"

"...Somewhere." He looks to the side, sheathing a sword he had out suddenly. Freakin'... "I don't _know_. I don't keep track, I work independently!"

Next, Mokou gives the bell-helmeted dude a flat stare. "Feel like talkin', yet?"

...Stepping back, he does a little jump into the air, throwing his arm up as if he was proud of something, or happy.

"Guess not." Turning around, Mokou tapped that Yoroi guy on the armor. "Next house we go to, you answer the door."

"I don't take _orders_ from _weak rats_ like you, Fujiwara." Even his grumbling kinda bellows…!

"I don't take shit from a flammable guy." Mokou brought her arm onto his armor again. "Hell, even if you stopped me, you'd have to deal with a pissed off Reimu, and that witch. Not sure if you wanna spare a concussion again."

...Stoic and inexpressive, the angry big man stomps ahead.

The posse follows the two as they go, villagers filing out of their way as they progress down the road ahead…

…

"I feel like a nap." Maria admits!

"As do I." Facing us fully, Genkan scans the square in our direction. "I'm not normally one for such… high-energy and assertive activities. Nor getting nearly killed, that's usually _quite low_ on the priorities."

Yea~h. It's pretty much sunset now anyway, so we might as well. Also, freakin', where'd Ha-chan run off to? Maybe Shikome's presence back at the bar of doom scared her off. Fairies- especially Ha-chan- are pretty acute about that sorta stuff. Most of the time, anyway!

...Maria begins to lead us. If I bring us somewhere, I'm freakin' bustin' a boy's house, so…! "We'll use Marcus's house. It's pretty safe…"

As we move-

"Hic…!" Oh.

Ha-chan stumbles out of an alley, holding a bottle. "Hehehe~..."

Drunk fairy, son.

...She slowly approaches us, wobbly on her legs. "He~y… Brad-ku~n…"

"Hello, friend." I greet her softly…

She jabs the bottle towards me. "Try!"

"You're too _late_ , yo!" I point at 'er! "For you see, I am _already_ drunk!"

...She blinks in surprise!

"That's your secret, is it?" Allowing herself a small smile, Genkan drifts ahead, as Maria moves past the drunk fairy-

Ha-chan latches onto Maria's arm as she passes.

When Maria tugs on her arm, Ha-chan slowly floats into the air, as if weightless and anchored onto the mage's arm. "Hi, friend…"

"Hi." Maria continues forward as Ha-chan slowly encroaches on her. "Um…"

...After a slow moment, Ha-chan hugs onto her.

...Maria slowly compresses! "Why…?"

Seeing this, Genkan moves to negotiate, moving to gently tug the fairy off…

"Nnn~...!" Ha-chan tries to hang on! "No~...!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 78

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Robot Demolisher, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Factory Disassembler, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Village Revolutionary, Has Forgotten What Half of These Titles Stood For, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Hard Winter - A earth/ice elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice! Allows the user to cast Ice Shard. Extends combo length by one artificially. Allows the user to jump out out of combos smoothly, and leave frost in their trail.

NON-EQUIP SKILLS:

Lucky Star - Non-elemental attack that does very random damage to one target. Star that drops from abo~ve!

Scent Pillow - A spell taught by Koakuma. Summons a pillow endowed with the user's love fluids… which, for males, is, euh…

World's Wimpiest Fireball - A spell learned from a book given to me by Patchy. Summons a _really_ , genuinely terrible fireball that only ignites the weakest of fairies.

Double Jump - A skill I got somehow! Allows the user to jump twice. Avoid fall damage, maybe!

Perspective Holder - Um…? I am the primary perspective of this story!

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I would like to know where it actually puts all my stuff though…

==o==

WEAPONS:

Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! It better, with a name like 'Swordbreaker'. Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! May cast Flash, an attack that blinds; works best on darkness elementals and youkai. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can cast Gust. By the addition of a steel block, its attack and magic attack increased slightly. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites stuff on impact. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle, allowing the user to cast Flamethrower Plus! Allows the user to cast Fume.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Can produce limitless fresh water. Boosts the power of water skills. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style; physical attack increased, physical defense lowered. User bleeds out faster. Can cast Revenge, an attack that increases in power the lower the user's health is. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to let it cut!

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Lowers defense slightly. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger is slightly electric and holy elemental. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy…

==o==

ARMOR:

Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means business, son. One hundred _fifty_ percent ice resistance: fifty percent of the damage goes into my health pool instead! Dunno 'bout icicles and stuff, though. Fifty percent freeze resistance… not that freezing will hurt with this thing on. Fifty percent dark resistance. Negative fifty percent fire and burning resistance. Hopefully hides you a bit when navigating in the freakin' brush...

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Seventy-five percent time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!

Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! Fifty percent sun resistance, one hundred percent freezing and blinding resistance. Also gives immunity to electrical stunning. It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.

Lunarian Prototype Space Suit - A suit meant for combat in deep space. So far, it's only got the whole 'exist in deep space' part down…! One hundred percent electric resistant. One hundred percent freezing resistant. Has an oxygen tank, but that's only useful if you wear the helmet to go along with it. Randomly casts Zero Gravity when it feels like it.

Lunarian Prototype Deep Space Helmet - It's a freakin' helmet. Fifty percent blinding resistant! When worn with the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit, it also confers immunity to burning and poison, along with another one hundred percent electricity resistance. Yo…!

Testing Oxygen Tank - The oxygen tank used by the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit. Lasts for two and a half minutes! Not meant to actually be used outside of testing, but it's possible. Refills automatically in breathable air.

MP Prize Pin - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field. For awhile only the user(s) of this badge may pick them up, but after a grace period anyone can. Extends prize grabbing range!

Sun Badge - Fifteen percent sun resistance when equipped. Fifty percent resistance to blinding and electrical stunning. Replaces the on-impact effect of all weapons with Sunfire Flare when worn.

==o==

CONSUMABLES/OTHER:

Twenty seven thousand, nine hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!

Four Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Mega Potion - Youkai-like regen for thirty seconds… except for the whole family! Applies to entire party. Good for when we all suck at life!

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Three Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on debuffs, though...

Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Hina's Bad Luck Talisman - I remembe~r! Upgrades a weapon to debuff luck on strike and stuff!

Rope of Red Bikinis - Wahaha! Gonna getcha, son!

Sacred Eagle Feather - A gift from a rambler. It's… sentimental, I think? Help.

Some Fancy Key - A key lent to me by Brittany. Wha- why. What's it for…!?

Youkai Exterminator Badge - I still have this, dude! Yo ho ho! Allows me to not be considered a youkai by most guardsmen!

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I really have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

==o==

Genkan, the Yuki-onna - A bitter yuki-onna from Gensokyo's wildlands, mostly active in the winter, and on particularly cold days. Heals from ice damage. Commands powerful control over frost, and has a wide variety of ice-affinity attacks. Weak to fire and burning.

SKILLS:

Ice Control - Freely use ice to make stuff. Inherent one hundred percent ice resistance.

Freeze - Instantly freezes one to two enemies. Low chance of working on stronger foes.

Creaking Freeze - Generates a spinning, magic snowflake in an enemy's body, which instantly freezes them after a moment. High accuracy.

Glacier - Erects a massive blade of ice from the ground, dealing incredible physical ice damage.

Triple Glacier - See above, but on three enemies! As such, costs triple the mana!

Ice Spin - Spins and lashes out with chilling frost. Probably just an extension of her normal frost powers and not an actual skill…

Ice Shard - Advanced ice magic. Generates a chunk in an enemy's body which proceeds to freeze the air around it. Power depends on the user.

Snow - Make it snow locally. Very minor ambient ice damage to everyone on the battlefield, including allies. Has a low chance to instantly freeze someone for no reason.

Yuki-onna's Embrace - Hug. Binds target close to her. Makes the target tired, severely lowers accuracy and magical defense, and makes them comfortable. Skill may only be performed by yuki-onna. Negative facets reduced by ice and freezing resist. Someone with over a hundred resistance will be buffed and healed by it…!

Yuki-onna's Entombment - Final, optional stage of the hug…! Guaranteed instant death inflicted by the draining of vitality. Heals the user for the heat taken from the target. Does not work well on bosses or the instant death resistant. Instant death proc is nullified if the target's ice or freezing resistance is over fifty percent. Skill may only be performed by yuki-onna.

Other Skills - Probably has more spells, but freakin'... I dunno her like a textbook!

INVENTORY:

Absolute Zero Kimono - A better version of the stock yuki-onna kimono. Two hundred ice resistance, although since one hundred of that is inherently from Genkan, she only gains an additional one hundred percent. Gives her two hundred total, though! One hundred percent fire and burning weakness.

Two thousand yen - Her remaining total after spending money on our upgrades.

Bagged Money - Some money Reimu got for us, to pay for our _irreversible trauma_. She's friendly, dude. We haven't counted it out, yet!

I dunno - What would I~ have if I was a sexy ice woman?

[unknown spaces remaining]

==o==

Maria, the Actually Ordinary Magician - A villager from the human village. Used to run the most impoverished bar ever, but that fell under or something. Really low self-esteem! Resistances and weaknesses depend on equipment. Can cast basic elemental spells!

INVENTORY:

Pine Frost Staff - Also good for bonking things! Twenty five percent ice resistance, one hundred percent freezing resistance, allows the user to cast Blizzara and Ice Shard, and boosts the power of ice skills. Negative fifty percent burning resistance. Made with pine wood and an icy reagent.

Wood Staff - Good for bonking things!

Casual Freeze Clothes - Casual, neon villager garb. Bright yellow shirt with a blue snowflake stitched onto the front, a bright blue skirt, and a tan vest. Looks about as garish as your regular Touhou, now! Fifty percent ice resistant. Wearer is immune to freezing.

Magical Lens - A lens that shoots _la~ser bea~ms!_ ...When you input mana into it, anyway, apparently. Gift from Marcus Kirisame!

[Travel Bag] - Inventory that exists! Does not take up inventory because it is inventory. Eight slots.

Two Mana Potions - Guess wha~t? It heals, except mana!

[four spaces remaining]

==o==

Hana, the Electric Fairy Maid - Hello again, friend! You're _fluffy_. Healed by electric magic. Immune to electric stunning!

SKILLS:

Little Zap - Basic electric magic. Zaps a target twice with static from above!

Random Electric - When pressured, uses random electric spells that exist.

Electric Control - With true power, she's able to stun opponents into submission by touching them, apparently.

INVENTORY:

Hana's Fairy Maid Uniform - Stock standard uniform from the mansion! Cyan-tinted in places to match her hair color. Honh...

==o==

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

another fun chapter yo

we got to get molested at the golden grin, meet TINY TIM, almost died to shikome, yo ho ho

...y'know i don't necessarily have as big of a shpeel about my quality and decisions this time

we got more characters so attention divided to every character per scene is a slight iffy

i wanna know how i did on the more emotional bits since this is probably the most tactful i've been

the slice of life combined with general progression is probably a margin awkward but the world's more consistent - w -

admittedly some of these events aren't strictly KNEE-SLAPPIN' HUMOR but that wasn't the intent so - w - i've said this a lot, this fic's about a lot more than just humor, especially now, but it has good humor where it comes down to humor, i'm sure

oh yeah that reminds me i do have some announcements to make

as always, see you all next time!

Merry Christmas / Happy Holidays! / Happy New Year! / Happy _WINTER HOLIDAY(S)_

~A FREAKIN SKOOLATON

==== FIRST ANNOUNCEMENT ====

i have… REVISED the first _SIX_ chapters of this story! plot-wise, they end with the same equips and positions per-chapter, but all the scenes between are new and revised, polished and sparkling, so forth! personally, i'd recommend giving them a read over even if you're still caught up, because i just like how i did the new old scenes.

on a more minor note the start of chapter seven was slightly cut down for compatibility with chapter six

by comparison the pace in these chapters is a lot slower because parties move slower than one boy; daz about it

==== OH, AND BY THE WAY… SECOND ANNOUNCEMENT ====

we have a discord now as of the time of this batch; the link will just be plastered about the first chapter's AN and this batch's ANs because yeah

and also on my profile

https SEMICOLON SLASH SLASH SON discord DOHT gg SLASH mcVps2R

if you know how discord invite links go you only need that last bit; sorry it's so ugly but fanfiction DOT net is deathly scared someone's gonna link to kiddy porn so we can't have nice things


	100. Rudolph the Freakin' Demon Deer

(in which we pet a friendly reindeer dude)

…

Ellipses, yeah. Invigorating start, innit…

Nn~h. Morning time. In a _bed._ My shoulders and head are propped on the pillows _just_ right, for that in and of itself to knock me out again. Man, the day someone gives me a proper back massage, I'm just going to cum and die, I'm pretty sure.

...S'a little early in the day to think about that last part, though! Aah.

Now, normally I'd kinda be the person to like… considering my _typical_ 'find a rock and molest it' sleeping habits, _splay out_ and hog the bed and get funky with the pillows, but…

"Mnh…" Ha-chan's cozied up with my left arm, keeping it snuggly and warm. Her legs had advanced as far as they could over mine, but stopped at Genkan's.

To my _right_ , Genkan's just lazily sunk into the bed next to me, also on her back. Her arms are splayed out, crossing me and Ha-chan and, on the other side, probably Maria. If she's still asleep or such, anyway...

Also, Maria's probably getting _smooshed_. I say this because I _am_ getting smooshed!

...So that's why I didn't try splaying out. I am… literally contained! Contained, trapped, and _warm_. I don't know how to feel about this! But… I could really get used to more mornings where I get to sleep in because my party members trapped me. It feels… so good!

The only thing we really did as 'prep' was have Genkan wedge between me and Maria on principle. Otherwise, none of us really give a shit about the decency of sharing a bed! Sleep's _sleep_ , dude, and if we're all in a lump, that just keeps us warmer.

...We also just kind of flop over and don't really plan it out past that, for the most part.

Back at home, I'd sleep either a step from nude or just _nude_ 'cause _screw clothes_. Gensokyo really doesn't give you a moment for that luxury…!

…

My mind's run out of stuff to keep it preoccupied, son. Genkan's butt is against my right hip, and Ha-chan's just _everything_ is on my left everythings. It's surprisingly less sexy than one might anticipate 'cause I'm trapped, but also _thinking about this proximity is quite the prospect._

...I gaze into Ha-chan's sleeping expression.

Good night.

...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

 _Thud_.

Oh- woah, who's manhandling me, what the fuck.

I sit up! Time to start my day wit' a-...

...Ah. Genkan sat me down on the _table_ , downstairs. Just, on my back, on the top 'a it…

Her usual stoicism greets me! "Good morning." Hi, friend. Good morning to you, too. "...Marcus may have fixed his shop. He did not return here while we rested."

He probably got the like ten million holy people who were in the village the other day to look at it. I don't think a not-Saigyou Ayakashi can stand up to the three religious leaders at once…!

"Good morning, world…" Sitting up, I look around from atop the table! "Here's to nothing fucked up happening today…!" First we find a freakin'... rape victim, and then we nearly die. We still have to molest Matt at some point, but until then, the next time we see Reimu, I'm just gonna _go off the handle_ , yo. It's a molest or get molested world, son…!

Wait, didn't Mokou already have that covered? It's too early for this shit…!

Genkan's gaze falls to the table below me. "Considering this village, misfortune seems more than likely." She's not optimistic...!

…

"Why'd ya set me down on a table…?" I grin at 'er!

"I could have dropped you on the floor." ...Good point, and well made!

Sliding off the table and onto my legs, I look around the comfy magic house!

The dining room's pretty plain and open. Unlike other village housing, there's just a big opening into the wide main room, where the _eternal fireplace_ is.

Stepping in, I see Maria and Ha-chan standing before a particularly tubby fluffle.

Fwam. From her staff, Maria created a slow-moving tan orb, which drifted into the fluffle and dissipated against its face, becoming a small static storm.

The fluffle's shell nose opened, but it didn't say anything. I don't think it likes it, but don't quote me on that!

"Danmaku's weird…" Maria laments on the properties of danmaku, yo.

"I never really learned how…" Ha-chan holds her hand out-

Fwam. She makes a cyan orb, which drifts into the fluffle…!

After it dissipated into static like the other one, some thicker sparks of cyan energy began to run along its form-

Poof. The fluffle ragdolled, paralyzed. Maria held a hand to her mouth…!

"Oh no." It got _sacked_ , dude. "Hello, world." I greet the friends!

"Hello, world!" Ha-chan echoes my sentiments!

"Ah…" Maria notices me! "Good morning..."

...I stare down at the paralyzed fluffle. We ruined it, dude.

"Man." It looks cuddly, dude. "It's a lump, dude."

Bending down, Ha-chan picks it up. "Aww~! It's _snuggly_ …" Then, she _nuzzles_ it…

Unlike the normal fluff stuff, this one's midget-sized as opposed to freakin' house pet sized.

...Holding out my hand, I make that yellow danmaku cylinder I made back at Marisa's place that one time!

It drifts forward, before accelerating into the fluffle-

A~nd, the bullet's gone. It flashed out as if hitting the fluffle just deleted it.

...Maria looks at me! "You can… slightly use danmaku."

"Ye." I nod at 'er. "I don't really know much about it, though!"

...Genkan drifts into the room proper, approaching us by gliding gently across the hardwood floor. Hoh. "...I would show you mine, but I'm sure it's best fit for outside." ...Then, she looks at me and Maria more specifically! "Do you two have any spell cards?"

...Maria focuses on me!

"Nope!" I admit! "Not a one!"

With that reveal, Maria allows herself to shake her head. "I don't. I never had a reason to use it, really…"

"That would make sense…" Genkan focuses on the fluffle in Ha-chan's arms…

"I have one!" Ha-chan announces!

...I just kinda raise a brow at 'er! "Ya _do_ , now…?"

"Mhm!" Eagerly, she nods! "Spell Card, Spell Card!"

After announcing her spell, she held out her hand!

Fwam. A single cyan orb generated in the air before her.

…

Chu. After a moment, it shot a white orb at the fluffle in her arms-

 _Fwoof_. Upon being struck, the fluffle had taken enough abuse, and collapsed into dust. Oh no!

"Is that… really what it's called?" Maria gives her a… I dunno what kinda stare that even is. Somewhere between normal and jaded!

"I~ forgot." Ha-chan admits! "...I don't _danmaku_ ~. It's _scary_. And _loud_."

I can create elemental danmaku by using certain equips, right? And, I have trouble, like… making the shape and making it _do anything_ , especially anything _useful_. You have to maintain this weird cognition of what your bullets are doing, and it's deceptively hard. Easy on paper, but deceptively hard in practice! Like… a _staring contest_ , except with your _mind_.

I make another yellow cylinder, and it floats towards Genkan, before losing momentum and freakin' _dying on the floor_ , yo…!

"Ah- huh..." She stops herself from being amused at it! "What was that…?"

"The _good bullet_ , dude." My _secret weapon_. "Hakurei miko beware."

"Indeed." Allowing herself a smile, Genkan began to search the dim, warmly lit abode with her eyes…

And, yeah. In the front of the living room're some fun table things. Nothing's over the fireplace for _obvious reasons_ , one of which being slow heat death, but on a nearby shelf I can see pictures of Marcus, Marisa, and… some woman. Must be the _wife._

Let's not dwell on that! History's _mysteries_ , man. Among other such analogies! Let sleeping doors lie? Some dogs are best left _closed_ , son.

"Perhaps you'd have better luck if you used a focus for your magic." Oh, woah. Genkan _spoke_ ta me while I was spacing out!

"...A _focus_." I just kinda _echo_ it. I never really considered it. What good's it even? Aside from the whole 'firing lasers from your hand itself burns like a motherfucker' thing. Barring _that_ , why would ya?

"Like my staff." Maria shows off her ice box-capped staff! "Some of my magic I channel through it, to make it easier to cast stuff. If I just used my hands to do things, I'd probably... lose them after a while, without potions."

That reminds me! "Prefab spells! How do they work, yo…?" I feel like I'd heard this before, but-

"Ah." Maria blinks! "...It's a little complicated. Basically, they're sort of complex, innate procedures- which, if you knew magic stuff, um… you could do, too. But basically… yeah, they're just automated functions. The key to them is... usually ingrained into you through magical recantation of something in a book, or you can try to recreate a prefab yourself just to see if you can, and to keep the steps in mind."

Aa~h. So… the easy way is the book basically giving you Game Genie codes, and the hard way is deciding to break down the process and _making_ the Game Genie code yourself.

Well, I can't read anything other than _modern English_ , so I'm a little fucked! Man. Maybe I can hire a _translator_. Freakin' Russian translators, dude...

...Reaching into my bag, I take ou~t…

Hmm. I _start_ to draw Hard Winter, but… y'know, I've really got a _lot_ of shit in this bag, don't I?

Taking it out fully, I aim it forward! Channeling mana into it, I focus…

Hmm. Like, as in, I actually focus on where that flowy feeling's kinda going. I sorta feel it when I visualize and cast shit, and sure as hell felt it when I made that laser that _seared my hand_ , but…

I can kinda feel it flow from my hand to sorta _over_ my weapon. I don't know how accurate it is, 'cause it's like having your eyes closed and trying to walk around; you just guess and overestimate and underestimate everything.

After charging mana in the tip, I create my~ cylinder!

It gently floats out. It's cyan this time!

After drifting gradually and hopefully forward, it hits the front door and kills itself. Oof.

"That's more magical knowledge than I'd have given you credit for." Genkan seems to have observed my process, somehow! "...That was more deliberate. Compared to when you normally channel into your... _hangers,_ to cast prefabricated spells."

"Do you know any spells that don't rely on your, um… things?" How's Maria know my game mechanics…!? "I noticed you always channel to cast, and it's always some kinda prefab the thing itself does…" She answered me without me asking even…! Must be on my _face_.

"You guys already know my tricks, yo…!?" I didn't know it was that easy to observe…!

Looking me up and down, then giving me a nod, Genkan snorts. "They're really not complicated. And… your fighting style pretty much just relies on throwing as many cheap blows and surprises you can. When you're not the focus, you're pretty much support. You get pretty skittish in combat easily, as well."

Do I? Hmm. Kinda. I don't really betray panic if it's a kind of mediocre fight, even when pain sucks… although I am pretty _frantic and flailing_ , as someone with like no combat sense beyond beating up relatively passive fairies.

"Well, to be fair, it's hard _not_ to get freaky in fights…" Maria defends my franticness! "Like, um… me. I'm pretty much _never_ calm in a fight…"

...Genkan considers this! "...It would be easy to call myself calm, since my abilities are… as they are." You know, I never figured out how old Genkan was. She doesn't seem to be _ascended two-point-woah_ tier old. "I am subject to frustration. And… complacency, as our last encounter may have conveyed."

"I'm confused…" Ha-chan's thinking too hard! Aa~h! "When'd we start talking about fighting…?"

"When we started talking about fighting." Genkan informs her very elaborately!

"...Oh!" See, there ya go, yo.

Moving past us, Maria heads for the dining room. "Anyway, we should spend this day… _not_ doing village work, I think. I- I mean… it's great helping out and all, but…"

"Yeah." I'll have to agree on that…! "These past few days were heavier than anticipated…!"

Finding fucked up shit on my own is kinda like… I'm just _really jaded_ , ironically. It's kind of different when my friends here aren't _quite_ _so_ jaded. I'm pretty sure that's like the first time Maria's had to really face an ordeal like that- _and_ play the freakin' SWAT savior at the same time.

...Also, for some reason the dining room has these dim not-fire lights that are just always on in it, and it's distracting me!

"What _are_ these lights…?" I freakin' meander towards the chandelier…

Digging through her pockets, Maria draws a piece of paper! "...I still have that yuki-onna job we took. We should… probably do that, since we took it."

"...I'd forgotten all about that." Genkan was reminded, too! Honestly, that _completely_ escaped my mind. We got a lot busier than we'd expected! "We should see to that… at some point." Hoh.

"Some point, huh…" Maria begins to fold up the job again… "We shouldn't be too late, since it's already been… about two days."

"...Right." Genkan nods at this, rememberin' that part as well…

...Romping into the dining room through the big open space between the rooms, Ha-chan moves towards Maria. "You're _short_ …"

"...I'm _fifteen._ " Maria reminds her…! "I've, um… got growing to do... and all that."

Ha-chan blinks! "Why do people gro~w?" Aw, yo. She's intrigued by _biology_ , yo. "Are humans like plants? Or flowers?"

...Maria dunno where to even start! "I- I… _guess_ you could- well, no. They're not plants, 'cause-"

"But you feed them and they get bigger!" Ha-chan argues! "Just like plants!"

...Subscribing to her logic, Maria argues on even ground! "Humans can move." ...Plant girls can also move…!

Ha-chan looks away for a moment... "Yeah, that's true..." Ho ho. I don't think Ha-chan could grasp _cell stuff_. Maybe if you just abbreviated it to skin stuff and organs, she'd get it.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

With some of the furniture pushed aside, we stand in the midst of Marcus's rather generous dining room!

"While we've got a moment of peace…" I almost hold my hanger bag _upside down_ , dude. "We should actually see what's in my inventory!"

"...I'd like to remind you that we _shouldn't_ destroy this house." Genkan raises an objection, seated on that big fluffy chair of Marcus's nearby. "I know you keep bombs on yourself, for some reason."

…

I just kinda _nod._ "You know, that _might_ be a good idea."

Maria jerks her head back! "Really…?"

...Genkan's got a brow raised herself! "...I was half-joking, you know."

You could do that!? I mean- well, I grin! "Ya weren't wrong!"

...Genkan gets up from the big fluffy chair, her itch to sit satiated.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

So now we're in the alley _outside_ Marcus's house, between some generic, one story buildings. A few houses ahead is Small Packages and Golden Grin, and the main road. We're nice and _cozy_ back here, dude.

The ground below is _dirt_ , and between the wood plank wallings of the houses, we can feel a light, dainty breeze. The sky above is nice and blue...

Cla- clank, clank! Ha-chan tips over some garbage cans nearby, bricks and stuff spilling out. "Aa~h…!"

...Maria flinches at the noise, after a delay!

"Alright, yo…" It is time… to tip the scales, dude! Flipping the bag around, I hold it upside down-

Clank- clank, clank. Instantly, plant hangers drop from it-

 _Boom!_ The bomb hanger explodes, making the pile spread out!

 _Fwoom_. The flame hanger hits the floor, and almost ignites my _shoes_.

More stuff clatters out-

 _Thud_. Dude, my yin-yang flail-o-copter! Aw. I stopped using it because _it's really demanding on the arms_ , and kinda clunky, and really I might as well just _walk_ everywhere if flying there's a bloody gym exercise. It's also only really good for solo travel.

Ti- tink- crack- tink. A bunch of _vase shards_ and other pieces of deadly shrapnel fall out, thankfully _after_ I've expelled my freakin' bomb.

 _Cla~ng!_ Oh, wha's that? S'that a _sword?_ Oh, right, Akihito's sword!

 _Ti- ti- ti- tink!_ Oh- right, my potions! Should probably move to set those aside, really quickly…

While I crouch down and recover the potions, Genkan moves some away tele _magically_. Aw…

Standing again, I flip the back bag over-

 _CLANG!_ Holy _shit!_ When'd I pick up an anchor!?

Cla- clack. A bottle of pills fell out-

 _Bam_. Hello, table! And-

Bam. Oh, shit. I had to step back, because _multiple tables_. Jeez…!

...Oh, hey, that sun badge fell out. I need a like, 'currently equipped' inventory section.

Cla- cla, clack. The space suit stuffs fall out, as I strafe in a circle around the freakin' crap pile…!

While I strafe, a dainty rope of red bikinis begins to unfurl out, that fancy key Brittany gave me along with some freakin' talisman drifting out-

Tink. The youkai pulverizer badge falls out, along with Remilia's cap, some _monk robes_ , and my Kaguya outfit…!

Ba- bam- thud! Bam! More furniture! Chairs, end tables, and tables! A freakin' _feather_ flutters out, too-

Um? When the hell did I pick up _Reimu's_ clothes? Fucking, binding roll and everything! Ah- oh hey, those are my old blue sweatpants and flimsy shirt!

Cla- clack. My NERF Maverick blaster clatters out, with the NERF Marauder Long Sword flopping down next to it. Oh, yeah! Talk about a brick joke…! Literally _never_ even _looked_ at these after the very first chapter. Holy shit.

And then-

 _Splaa~sh!_ Water! Lots, and lots, of wate~r!

 _Splaaa~sh_ …

While my bag freakin' _floods the alley,_ I strafe back so I don't end up in a big mud puddle…!

...Genkan moves to float the _big dumb anchor_ out of the way. "...Quite the collection, you have here." Ya _don't_ say…

"Ooo!" Ha-chan picks up the Kaguya wig! "...I found a _vaporized_ person!" Freakin'...

Thunk. After my bag finishes _taking a leak_ , that London summoning cross falls out. I think… that's about everything!

...With the bag empty, I set it down, and move for some of my stuff!

I pick up my Maverick NERF gun. It's missing some darts from when I've fucked with it before, so now it's only got three shots. Aw…

...I point it at Maria, and cock the _mechanism_ -

 _Pop!_ A dart flies out and bounces off her torso.

"Ah…" She flinches, before looking over! "...Is that a gun?"

"Yeah, _dude._ " My strongest equip, dude. "It shoots high-impact foam at a few inches per second."

 _Pop!_ I fire another whistler dart at her! It doesn't even _whistle_.

Maria lets it bounce off herself again. "...A _toy gun_. It's different from ones sold here…"

...Ha-chan is now wearing the Kaguya wig, albeit somewhat improperly. She points at me! "I'm you now!" Aaa~h!

"Where did all of this _furniture_ come from?" Genkan looked all the miscellaneous furniture over! "As well as that water…"

"Fish bowl two." I describe the setting as best I can. "The sequel…!"

...She didn't quite catch that! "What?"

More accurately…! "My water hanger used to not have a way to _stop leaking_ , and I just kinda let it be in my bag here." ...Oh, yeah. "Also, I just stole all that furniture from around the world." There's Eientei _and_ Scarlet kinds here!

"Excellent." Nodding plainly, Genkan then turns her attention to the clothing. "You've been thieving people's outfits from across the world, as well. Even the Hakurei didn't escape you."

 _Fwoa~m!_ Oh, no! The space suit I left out, it cast Zero Gravity-

Genkan holds an arm up and telekinetically grabs most things. Hoh…

"Wah- woah…!" Maria's caught off guard, and slowly begins spinning around! "Woa~h…!"

...Ha-chan moves to grab 'er so she stops twirling gently! Meanwhile, I'm just kinda floating _up…_

...After a moment-

Thu- thunk- thud. I land on my feet, and some crap clatters nearby, sploshing in the dirty, wet ground beneath us. Alright- I gotta put that freakin space suit away right away…! As well as my _bombs and shit_ , so we don't trip on them and need a trip to the E.R.

Crouching down an' picking up my bag, I take this moment to flip it upside down for funsies-

 _Plop_. Wat.

...Something _black_ and depthless looking dropped down onto the floor before me. After a moment, it expanded to like, person size!

Backing away from the abyss, I watch it! Everyone else pays attention to it, too. Is it, like… a hole?

...Abruptly, a cream-haired fairy pops out! "Yeahoo~!"

Somersaulting out of the hole, she lands before me!

Wow, dude. She's cuddly. I wave at her! "Hello, friend."

...She whips around to face me, before beaming!

…

Then, she just kinda… bobs in place, bending her knees every second to do so. She's _flat_ , so she's not jiggling her breasts.

"He~y! It's you!" Ha-chan recognizes her! "Hi!"

The fairy whips around, and waves at her. "Oo~h! Fairy-chan!" She dunno her name…!?

Oh, right, gotta grab that space suit. Lemme just do that…!

While I put away the gravity-raping suit, the unknown fairy speaks! "I got lost!"

"You did!?" Ha-chan, she came out of my _bag_. She's lost as fuck, son!

"I did!" She sure did, yo! "But now I'm not! Ho ho~!" She goes 'ho ho'!?

 _Woosh!_ Somersaulting rapidly through the air, she leaps over Maria entirely, before sprinting full stop towards the end of the alleyway! "Nice seeing ya~!"

…

"She's a _nice_ fairy." Ha-chan gives me a smile, as I just take this moment to gaze into the slightly overcast aether. "She gave me pie once." Pie, huh.

"I don't understand fairies." Genkan makes her deduction, yo. "I also don't understand this rope of red bikinis." She holds it up…!

"You know, me either." Maria grins at it! "Where'd you even get that?"

"In _hell,_ dude." I return a grin 'a my own! "Old Hell, to be specific!"

...Let's see~. Oh, hey, there's Hina's bad luck talisman! And that _eagle feather_ I got from that confusing youkai _thing_. I should probably put them on something before I freakin' forget like a _smart person_ again.

"You know…" Stepping up to me as I gather the _crap_ , Maria speaks! "That dart gun could actually make a good danmaku focus, I think."

...Y'know, that'd make a _lot of sense,_ actually. It'd also have _some kind_ of a purpose, for once in its freakin' existence!

...I gaze at my collection of plant hangers! "Y'know, that sounds like an _idea_." It'd probably be easier for me to visualize shooting shit from a _gun_ than a _plant hanger_. No elemental affinities, sure, but if you're going danmaku, you might as well not bother with that technical crap. If I wanted to blow up a boy, I'd just use my other things.

Then, I look at the talisman and feather again. Hu~h…

...I take the talisman, and slap it on the NERF blaster's tactical rail! Bad luck bullets, dude! An' then I just kinda fix the feather onto that ring on the back of the cocking mechanism.

Not sure what the feather's supposed to do, but it's _feathery._ This is now a _noble weapon_ , dude.

"This is now the _good_ gun." I should find out what the feather does. Maybe I'll learn by zapping someone with my piss weak danmaku.

...I look back at Genkan, seeing her lift up some hangers I probably haven't shown off before: Million Bucks and Swordbreaker! She looks _puzzled_...

...Ha-chan's playing with the bikinis now by freakin' _whippin' 'em around_ , and still has my Kaguya hair on, so I take aim at 'er!

Focusing on the gun, without cocking it I imagine a bullet roarin' out as soon as I press the trigger- after allocating my mana where it _should be_ , of course-

 _Pop!_ Oo~h! I fired the dart without cocking it, apparently! The glowing projectile stretched to meet Ha-chan-

The dart bounced off her as normal, but not without losing its glowy magic first, only after hitting her. "Ee~!" She jumped at the sensation!

...After looking around a little, she smiles. "Oh. Oo~h…"

For some reason, she lands, before looking over at me. "Everything's _pretty_ …" Smiling-

"Whao~!" She flails her limbs, slipping on the muddy ground!

 _Splat_. She lands on her _ass_ , in the mud. "Anh…" Oof.

...I look around for the dart- ah. It's... gone? Maybe it's under her ass.

I check my barrel, popping the revolving chamber of the toy pistol out to- huh, my shot's still there. The barrel never even moved!

"Brad-kun…" Ha-chan looks up at me. "...There're… two of you…"

...She's _confused,_ son. I think. That, or she's just got _really bad luck_ and it's fucked her senses somehow.

...I press the barrel of the NERF blaster against my temple! "Wahaha~!" See you in the next life, _son!_

 _Pop!_ Ooo~! My bullets are more _tingly_ than freakin'... actually harmful. Also I _swear_ I felt a dart just poke against my head-

Oh- oh, holy _shit_ , Ha-chan was right…

For a moment, the world around me becomes a blur, sky and ground and the tint of the houses-

The floor is like, _worse_ than ice.

 _Splap_. I land on my side in the mud. Ah, fuck…

"Ah, Brad…!" Maria's voice is _echoey._ "Are you okay…!?"

No, I'm _drunk_. "A- aah, yeah, well, uh, kind... of…" Man, this mud'll be a bitch to wear out of my kimono. I should shove Deep Blue up my ass, and see if that helps...

Oh, I think Genkan lifted me, because now I literally can't see shit other than a blur of muted colors. Ahaha~nh…

I end up propped up against _probably a wall_ , staring at _multiple Genkans_. "Hi."

"...You don't seem to have hurt yourself tangibly." Genkan evaluates my status! "You've completely lost your balance, however."

Yeah, ya don't say… oof. Well, at least I get to be freakin' useless for a few minutes.

"How did you even do this to yourself, so quickly?" Genkan makes a droll expression…!

 _Very carefully_. Freakin'...

...For a moment, I just see the blur of colors of the alley, Genkan somehow moving- oh, she's moved to embrace me-

Oo~h, holy shit, that's a rush!

My vision snaps back to normal after a moment-

Genkan releases me, and I just freakin' snug up against the wall behind myself for a moment. "Wo- woah…" Death hugs with one hundred fifty resistance are _life hugs_. That's _one way_ to cleanse my status…

In fact, I just realized I forgot to add Fragile Flower to my inventory for the last chapter batch despite actually having it on me this whole time! Hoh, shit!

"Better?" ...Don't gimme that _smug face_ , fluffy.

"Ye." Ye he, he he.

...Now that I'm _not dead_ , she floats Million Bucks and Swordbreaker back up to herself. "What is the point of these ones…?"

I point at Million Bucks! "That one's fer runnin' away!" And, gliding, apparently. Next, I point at Swordbreaker! "S'a swordbreaker! It breaks swords, maybe, on occasion." It's got _fun ridges_ for leveraging and stuff, and reduces damage output of noobs.

"...I see." Genkan possibly sees their purpose. Hoh…

Anyway, I'm not drunk off my ass on magical confusion anymore. Y'know, confusion and bad luck seems like a damn good combo, all things considered. I should've stacked upgrades on my gun and learned danmaku sooner!

Having a Reimu costume is news to me. Dude, I'll get to show off my armpits with the best of them. I'll need it appraised, but I _bet_ it's just a bunch of holy resistance. You know, the element _everybody_ uses.

Dude, maybe I can get it dyed, and become the _lime green_ \- no, wait, that's technically Sanae, even if she's blue and green, and also white. I can become the _magenta_ Shinto person, dude! I can play as _Magenta Reimu!_ Or, maybe lime green Reimu like I'm some Team Fortress 2 player who blows money on ugly cosmetics. Reimu's a _free to play_ 'cause she's in her stock costume, son.

...While I'm just staring at my crap pile like a retard, Genkan smoothly bends over to grab Fragile Flower…

She begins to right herself-

" _Ah!_ " Squeaking, she tosses it straight up into the air! "My- my body...!"

...We watch it fly up, over the height 'a the houses around us, before arcing back down-

 _Thunk!_ It killed the dirt, dude.

...Turning back to me, Genkan gestures to it! "What _is_ that?"

"It halves your physical everything!" I explain! "It's the _good weapon_."

"How _detrimental_." ...She gives it a _hard stare._ "No wonder you threw it at you opponent, last time. For what reason do you carry it?"

"'Cause, yo…" Stepping up to it, I put away my NERF blaster to free my hand up, and crouch down-

Oo~h, yep, even I can feel my strength freakin' swirl down the drain when I hold this thing. I should give it to Suika and watch her realize the meaning of the universe. Or maybe not, if she ends up breaking it on impulse, or something…!

"Cleanse, friend." I point it at Ha-chan as she slowly floats back up-

Fwoo- fwoo- fwoosh. Swooshes of fluffy white energy travel up her form, leaving her blinking. "...I can see again!" Ho ho!

"...Ah." Genkan considers these merits, yo. "Support magic. That makes… sense."

It kinda _does_. It really makes you _commit_ , though. Forcing you to freakin' sit back or get your ass kicked and all that.

…

 _Thunk!_ Maria kicks a table over! Wahaha!

"You should probably clean most of these things up." Genkan advises me…! Yeah, I think we've had enough of _staring at my shit._

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I put away all the things and stuff! I took a _good portion_ of the furniture with me again. I was comfortable with leaving the freakin'... glass shards and water behind, though. Maybe I should pour in a bucket of legos, so the next person to try and steal stuff gets their hands smooshed.

Anyway, we're now… on the midday road! Again. Yeah, this village has a lot of _roads._ This time, we're on a like, more back road. A more back road of the _village_ , that is. Still in the Golden Grin and Ass Packages sector, but it's a lot further towards the outer walls.

"We're being hunted by yuki-onna, please help." Maria once again raises the job, looking it over as we approach the destination, wherever it is. "Ever since last evening, yuki-onna have been coming to our house and attacking us. When I get guards, they can't find them, and they're gone. I can't hold out much longer. Please help." ...She looks over at us! "Maybe we should've gone sooner."

"I'm sure, at worst, they had to vacate for a few days…" Genkan's brows are furrowed. "I can't believe my sisters would do such a thing. Lash out, yes, but to simply harass a structure over time seems too far, and too much effort. Especially _here._ "

We're passing some tiny ass, dreary little farm-esque places. I say tiny 'cause like… these farms are the size of my house on the outside. Like- crops, barn and all, fence to fence. Which, lemme put it straight: is not big! Low-tier suburban lawn big! Still, it's more property than like, these _box houses_ the normal villagers have… which is just _the house_ and surrounding allies, and maybe a bit of the street in front, if it's even _next to_ a street.

...After taking a right past a tiny shack on the edge of some loosely fenced farmland- oh.

Well, that's probably the farm we're supposed to approach. It's got _ice crystals_ jutting out of the farmland. That _might_ not be good for the crops.

"I, um, think we found the place…" Maria regards the ice crystals with raised brows! They're taller than the tiny shack on the edge of the property!

"Wo~w!" Ha-chan's awed! "It's so pretty!" ...Alright, yeah, seeing these ice crystals just out here is cool. Ho ho! They're like, translucent, but vaguely _blue_. I'm really satisfied by this, for some reason.

...Actually, this property has a _two-story_ tiny shack, with a _tinier shack_ next to it. Freakin'...

"Look." I gesture to the tiny stuff. "Nugget homes…"

"The houses are somehow not frozen." Floating ahead 'a me, Genkan observes the war status! "We may not be too late."

...Minding the freakin' stick crops, we take a path into the tiny farm and begin to approach the shack setup…

 _Bam!_ The wooden door of the main shack bursts open, a guard stumbling back out of it-

 _Fwam!_ An orb of light rushes out to strike his chest! " _Uagh!_ "

The brown-haired guard man swings a short sword at the air wildly as he stops himself from almost falling backward-

 _Fwam!_ Another orb of light rushes out to smash 'em in the gut! " _Uu~gh!_ "

 _Thud_. Shattered, crappy armor plating falls to the side as the guard himself sprawls out on the floor, his sword discarded. "Fu- fuck… magic…"

...From inside, a short boy with brown hair and a _hoe_ walks outside-

" _Lumen!_ " He thrusts his hoe up-

 _Fwoosh!_ It shoots a glassy, white orb from it!

 _Fwam!_ " _Aa~gh!_ " It explodes into white energy against the guard! "Un~h…" Giving up, the guard let himself relax against the dirt he found himself embedded in.

…

Snapping to us, the boy's eyes widen, and he holds his hoe up again! " _Lumen!_ " Oh shit whaddup!?

 _Fwoosh!_ The boy fired an orb out at Genkan!

 _Fwam!_ "Ngh…!" Caught by surprise, Genkan drifts back slightly from the impact!

" _Hey!_ " Maria yells out at him, raising her proper staff in protest! "Who're you!?"

" _Lumen!_ " The boy strafes back as he casts his new shit!

 _Fwoosh!_ The orb comes out, moving for Maria-

 _Fwam!_ "Ghh!" Boltin' forward, I took the hit for 'er! Oo~h, shit…! Nice _gut blow_ with your magic, chap… Christ.

I stumble ahead after taking the the blow. I'm ready to go ham for the team, son…!

" _Blizzara~!_ " Maria's staff glows, as she throws it out for the good spell!

 _Fwa~sh!_ A spread of messy, blue and white ice magic splays out from her swing, some of it hitting my form and blooming out into frosty blasts, which only serve to fuel my barbarian rage!

Some of the icy particles bloom against the boy, and he recoils violently. "A- anh- Gods…!" Grimacing, he doubles back further inside. " _Lumen!_ "

 _Fwoosh!_ The orb materializes, and stretches out towards us…!

So me and Maria just get outta the way of the doorframe.

The holy orb zips outside, vaguely curving towards our forms as it passes us, before missing completely and fading out as it floats off…

That boy, he was covered in freakin' _blue kiss marks_. What kinky shit's goin' on down here!? Why was he smokin' a guard!? Why's everything frozen out hea'...?

"Are you alright…?" Maria glances over at Genkan.

"I'm fine." Lookin' _determined,_ Genkan approached the wall beside the door, across from my spot. "He's using holy magic, so it hurt more than it should have."

"Mgh- mgh, mgh…"

...I glance inside to see the kid chugging a mana potion-

 _Crack!_ He lets it fall out of his mouth as he thrusts the hoe forward, the tool glowing-

 _Bam!_ The door shut on us!

…

I knock on the door. "Da~h. Pizza~!" I know we just exchanged blows and all, but I got the fuckin' pizza you ordered, man!

...Ha-chan's hugging one of the ice crystals in the background-

"Cold- cold…!" She stopped, moving away and flailing her arms! "Oo~h…!"

"Friendly guy." It's a freakin' challenge scenario, son! ...I look at my party! "So!"

...After some idle moments of looking at each other, Maria begins to break the ice. Ha, ha. "Maybe we should just g-"

 _Tink! Tink! Tink! Tink!_

Before us, the translucent, wavy form of a pitch blue woman begins to flicker into existence, glimmering glitter particles sparkling to life in her wake. She's nude but featureless, so it's still totally family-friendly, yo.

...She- I think- turns her blank face to me.

"That is not one of my sisters." Genkan immediately speaks out! "She is a greater frost spirit." A _greater frost spirit_ , huh.

...She holds her hand up-

 _WOOSH!_ Wind with fluid, flickering streams of particalized frost whips against me…!

...And it feels _good!_ "Ooo~..." This is the best breeze I've ever felt! Holy crap! Quick- admire how beautiful the horizon is…! Nice and blue and kinda boundless… and-

Agh- well, it's pretty strong wind, even if it feels good. Hoh…

...Turning away from me, the spirit turns towards the door. Reaching a hand down as it descended slightly, it began to jiggle the knob-

" _Fire!_ " Maria's ready to smoke it!

 _Fwam!_ A small fireball kabooms against its _butt_.

 _Cra- crack- tink- crack!_ Loud, ice shattering noises are audible as the spirit dissipates into ice, slush and snowflakes.

…

"Di- did I kill it…?" Maria begins to look mortified…!

"No." Genkan summarizes. Ah.

 _Tink! Tink! Tink! Tink!_ Oh, hi again. The spirit spawned again around that other, midget-sized shack next to this one.

 _Tink! Tink! Tink! Tink!_ Oh, there's _two_. Jeez-

 _Tink! TInk! Tink! Tink!_ Sweet Jesus, it'sa _monster house!_

 _Crack- tink- crack, crack- tink!_ That's a lot of fucking spirits…! On the upside, they can't hurt us, really. On the downside, Maria's the only person who can immediately engage any of them…!

Also, I may be cold resistant, but I'm not _wind_ resistant. Oof. At least wind can't straight up fuck your shit, like ice can.

"That's… a lot of greater ice spirits." Maria backs towards the door, intimimadated…!

Drifting closer to us, Genkan elaborates further. "Hmm. There's less than there appear to be, but…"

...The naked blue women all raise their arms into the air and praise the sun!

"They're casting!" Woah, yo! Genkan makes a loud announcement!

Whirling up to the door-

 _Fwa~sh!_ She freezes it with a touch of her hand, before drifting back as if to bash it open with herself...

 _Cra~ck!_ "Nnh…" She bashes the door open with her yuki-onna brawn! Yo ho ho~!

We rush inside-

" _Lumen!_ " Alright, we're gon' hafta put a boy to sleep! He's castin' _witchcraft_ on us, son!

 _Fwoosh!_ As his _bullshit_ lights up, I draw my NERF blaster! "I'm gonna _pop_ ya _shit_ son! Put tha' _hoe_ down!"

 _Fwam!_ "Enh!" Ohp, he hit Genkan again, now he's gone and done it.

 _Pop! Pop! Pop!_ I unload foam danmaku ordinance! This blaster feels _so good_ not having to cock every damn shot.

The cyan whistler darts strike 'em in the _face!_ "Ah…!?" He aims his hoe at me-

"O- oh…" Stumbling to the side, his eyes become uneven. "No… lu- lumen!"

 _Fwoosh!_ He generates the holy orb horribly to the right of all of us, stumbling into the corner at the back 'a the room…

...Slowly, it whirls around to try and home towards Maria, but she strafes outta the way!

"Le- leave me alone…!" He whines from the floor, having freakin' slid onto his ass and crawled into the back, his hoe sort of stuck on the surrounding walls as he tries to hug it to himself. "Ple- please…!"

"Son- be _quiet!"_ I've had it up ta _here_ with your shounen shenanigans, son! "We're here ta _save_ ya dumb ass!"

"Wh- whah…!?" This freakin' little noo~b, dude…!

Ha-chan drifts inside, her hair blown to the side and frozen in place! "Ah- aah…"

...I stare out this tiny, broken window on the side of the shack-

 _WOOSH!_ The visibility outside is instantly flushed out by a flurry of white, whipping snow turning the immediate outside into a freakin' blizzard.

Snow shit starts to blow in through the open front door! As it starts to pile against the inner wall-

 _Kri~ng!_ A blade of ice erects from the floor, to shield us from the blizzard outside. Genkan knows what's up, yo.

"Oh- oh my ga~h…!" From the floor, the boy yells out, vaguely observing this! "Are- are you…!?"

"We're the angels 'a _redemption_ , son…!" I'm just telling him whatever so he stops blasting our asses! "We're here to freakin'... fight the ice wizards!" With ice magic!

...Well, we seem to have a moment while the biggest freakin' mini-snowstorm ever rages outside.

This _tiny_ shack, dude. There's some _stairs for ants_ along the back wall, leading up to the second floor. There's a bunch of wagon wheels, wood buckets- some full of frozen water- and other wooden paddywhacks arranged along the floor near the front and back doors.

...There's also a pretty plain table near the world's tiniest window. What is this, a freakin' jail cell?

"Um…" Maria speaks up after a moment of me _observing things_. "Are we… trapped?"

...After a moment's thought, Genkan shakes her head. "Probably not. Even so, It's better you two shelter from the wind, in here." Yeah, I figured. Sounds like a fucking tornado outside!

...In the corner, the boy's busy seein' stars! Wahaha! This status-inducing NERF gun thing's _pretty goo~d!_

So I turn to the boy. "Yo, guy person. You know what's goin'-"

 _BOOM!_ Holy fucking _shit!_

Wood flies! The bland table before us is cast to the side as the entire damn wall explodes inward!

" _Aa~h!_ " Maria's spooked!

 _Clo- clop, clo- clop!_ Wha~t the frik's that!?

The _edgiest Reindeer_ alive's galloped into the room through the wall and whipping flurries, rearing back on its hind legs. Entirely composed of jagged, deep navy and black ice, smoky shadows steam from its form. Maybe that's just the color of the _evil ice_ evaporating…

" _Rehee~r!_ " That's not a 'neigh'...!

" _Fire!_ " Maria thrusts her staff forward, a fireball splashing off of it-

 _Fwam!_ The orb strikes the _ice beast_ , but it doesn't even turn to her! Instead, it looks towards _me and the boy…_

 _Pop- Pop, Pop!_ I unload danmaku NERF darts in its vague direction!

Also- don't be confused by the size 'a this reindeer. We ain't talkin' _Santa's sleigh_ pullers, we're talking 'this thing is actually taller than this entire damn room'. It's like ten feet tall! Well- two of those might be its horns, but still…!

 _Clop! Clop!_ Oh my fucking god it treads towards the boy an' me in particular-

 _Kri~ng!_ Genkan erected another big ice blade to get in its way! "Halt!"

" _Rehihi~r!_ " This makes it stumble back on its hindlegs momentarily-

 _BAM- Boom!_ Its horns clip the roof, tearing through the upper level-

 _CRA- CRA~CK…_ Oh my god! The house is fucking going nuclear…! What the fuck!

"Ah- aa~h!" Maria runs towards our back bit as the house slowly dominoes into collapse…!

 _Thoom_. ...The ceiling gets stuck on the ice blades Genkan erected earlier, although the one that stopped the reindeer was now shattering, kinda.

"Rhehirhir- hrf…!" Stepping back, the thing shakes itself wildly, tearing a bed that landed upon it to _shreds_ within the second.

Thankfully, the house is so economy size I'm pretty sure it's not going to fall more unless that reindeer charges us.

 _CRACK!_ Speaking of charging, the ice blade pillar holdin' everything up begins to crumble after the thing headbutts it with its horns…!

 _Kri~ng!_ Genkan erects a new one right behind it to reinforce the base-

" _Lume~n!_ " Lyin' next to me, the boy's blanched as shit!

 _Fwoo~sh!_ His fwooshy orb powers up at the tip of his _hoe_ , as he points it forward…

 _Fwam!_ After sailing forward, it swung into the reindeer after passing the side of the ice pillar.

" _Rehi~r!_ " Roaring, the reindeer pivoted around-

 _CRA~CK!_ It bucked its hind legs at the ice pillar, demolishing it instantly! Holy crap!

Whipping her head to us, Genkan whirls towards us as the rest of the structure freakin' folds inward in the moment-

 _Oof!_ She freakin' tackles onto me while Maria gets closer-

 _Kri~ng!_ A vaguely misshapen ice blade erects behind us, angled slightly over-

 _THOO~M…_

…

Yeah, the house collapsed. We're just chilling out under some rubble. I think I saw Ha-chan slip out past the _giant unidentified youkai_ and into the blizzard.

Is the boy alright? Ah, whatever.

"We- we really are trapped…!" Maria confirms our trappedness!

"Not if I can…" Genkan half-asses a retort to the situation, before-

 _Kri- Kri- Kri~ng!_

Blades of ice everywhere, and not a drop to drink! The rest of the debris is pushed off and away from us by the _erections_ -

 _CRA- CRA~CK!_ Our new ice structure collapses from one side, the reindeer having just wildly _spun itself_ into the side of our freakin' _ice box_ -

 _THWA- THWA- THWASH!_ ZAP- THWASH!

Ho~ly fuck! What _is_ that!? _Thundersno~w…!?_ The thing just cast _Thunder Stromaga_ on our ass or some shit!

...Well, nothing really came 'a it 'cause of all this ice and debris over us, but still. There was a fucking _blue and white lightning storm_ outside, for just a moment. Holy cra~p...

" _Rehihihi~r!_ " The thing arcs itself back, rearing its hind legs as it readies to charge the ice again-

 _Kri~ng!_ Genkan just makes another blade before our shattered one for it to fuck up.

 _Za- za- zap…!_ Electricity dances around on its black and turquoise antlers-

 _THWA- THWA- THWASH!_ ZAP- THWASH! That's a lot of fucking thunder!

What the fuck are we fighting!? Where was this hiding!? Where the hell does it live!?

" _Hwaa~!_ "

...Oh, there's Ha-chan! She's glowing from all the electricity she absorbed!

" _He~lp!_ " Oh, good, our contractor's not dead. He's _somewhere behind us_ , and probably buried under crap. Come to think of it, these houses are so fucking tiny, we probably would've lived through _the crush_.

 _CRACK!_ The reindeer headbutts the ice blade Genkan made. It collapses into the nearly broken one behind it, turning both into a nice big ice pile that keeps us kinda protected-

 _THWA- THWA- THWASH! ZAP- ZA~P…!_ Holy shit, that's both really pretty and fucking terrifying. Every time that happens, it's just… an awesome, gruesome surge of yellow, blue and white in all directions, violent, great sparks echoing out from the being. What is this _monster._

Yeah, _thundersnow,_ dude. Thankfully, it only knows how to cast _death from above_ , no laser beams or shit, so we're still pretty set.

"I love you, _horse~y!_ " Ha-chan expresses her affection for the reindeer, throwing herself into its flank-

 _ZAP- ZAP- ZAP- ZAP!_

The entire thing lights alive with electricity, crackling a neon cyan…!

 _ZAP- ZAP- ZAP- ZAP!_

Shit, that's too bright to even look at. Who knows if it's good for my vision to look for as long as I did…!

Yeah, Maria's already looking down too. Genkan's just staring directly into it, pro'lly 'cause yuki-onna don't hafta give a fuck.

 _ZAP- ZAP- ZAP- ZAP!_ Jesus, Ha-chan's got it stunlocked for awhile.

"Maybe we should do something…!" Saying that, Genkan floats up and begins to crawl out through the top of our self-imposed ice tomb… and as she does-

 _Kri~ng!_ She erects another ice blade, this time under the reindeer!

" _Rii~!_ " It squeaks as it takes to the air-...

It's _flying_. The thing's fucking flying…!

" _Whaa~!_ " Ha-chan screams from atop it, riding on its back as she still pumps it- albeit less so now- with electricity…!

Scrambling onto the ice pile, Maria thrusts her staff onto the top of it, and calls out over the wind and _zaps_. " _Fire!_ "

 _Fwoom!_ The fireball arcs out into the snowy white as the thing spins around like a freakin' maniac-

 _Fwam!_ It hit its side-

 _CRACK- THOOM!_ " _Rher!_ " Unceremoniously, the thing just dropped like a grand piano, slamming into the ground on its side, sending Ha-chan rolling off of it…

Oh, yeah, that cracking noise was it landing directly on Genkan's ice blade and _crushing it into snow_. What the fuck's this thing made of, yo…!?

...Taking out Flame Salvo while I've got this _snug moment,_ I hold it up. "Gotta fire weapon! Fire weapon!" I'm sure as hell not gonna put it to good use, trapped in here.

...Looking back at me, Genkan doubles back to steal Flame Salvo from me, before pointing it outside!

Fwo- fwoom. Some flames pitifully flare out and into the wind from the hanger's nozzle, before being consumed entirely. Ah, shit…

...Climbing the ice rocks clumsily, Maria lays her hand on the hanger! " _Fire~!_ "

 _Fwoom!_ A more resolute fireball sparks out, accented by a healthy stream of flames behind it!

 _Fwam!_ It strikes the reindeer as it gets back up-

" _Hwraa~r…_ " Stumbling back into the white, the icy being hangs its head, shaking it about as if in agony… " _Hwraa~ raa~r! Ra-a~a-ah..._ "

Just as suddenly as it appeared, the reindeer's form dissipated into misty, black shade, ice clumps dropping off of it and vanishing instantly, only some producing black fog.

…

After a moment, Ha-chan sits up in the snow, still glowing from electrical charge! "Brrr~!"

Wind whips and snow still roars down, as me an' the girls just kinda… just kinda stare outside. We don't really know what to make of what just happened!

"Whah…" Maria finds it hard to find her voice. "Wha- what was that…?"

"I've… I don't think I've seen... that kind of creature before." Genkan reflected. "But, its spirit is gone. I think we've killed it…"

Well, rest in freakin' pieces. Honestly, ultra lightning god reindeer might be a thing that should _just stay dead._

"...Well." Maria's not unopposed to its death! "Is it safe to, um… get out of here?"

"Probably." Crawling out the top shaft dug by the late reindeer, Genkan goes to scout for us. "I only sense the spirits, and they seem placated by… what happened."

...As soon as she says that, the blizzard outside dims from a hellish, impossible white to pretty transparent again. I can see where the snow stops, too. It's like there's a tiny vortex around _just_ this farm in particular. Man, that kid is unlucky!

Suddenly, whispers. Whispers everywhere!

"Wha- what's tha-... that!?" Maria's freaked out, du~de!

"Dude- the _gorillas in the mist_." I raise my eyebrows at her! First thing I've said in awhile, yo.

...Gaining a mischievous expression, she starts swatting her hand at me! Aa~h…!

Slowly and fluffily, the naked blue featureless women generate all before us. Ha-chan's just kinda awkwardly sitting amidst them…

...Genkan's outsideish now, ready to approach them.

So she does! And she makes demands. "What do you want of us?"

"The boy." The spirit in the front makes a request! "We ask you kindly, and most humbly."

"What was that _frost beast_ we'd just seen?" Genkan asks the _good question_. "The one that attacked us. Was it your doing?"

...No response! "We ask for the boy." They really want that one boy, for some reason…!

"Answer me, or we will harm you." Well, that's pretty straightforward!

"Forgive us." The lead spirit bowed! "We ask for the boy."

"You're not answering my questions." I wonder how long until they light her fuse…!

...Rising from her bow, the spirit just stares at Genkan, not replying.

Slowly, the cacophony of whispers raises in volume. I can make out a few words, namely 'ice', 'boy', 'defeat' and 'uncertain' or something like that. The rest just don't really jump out at me…

"Hehehe~!" Ha-chan stands up! She's glowing a cuddly glow, dude. "You guys are funny! How do you do that?"

...Some of the spirits turn to her!

"Like the…" Ha-chan puckers her lips! "Swushwushwushwu. That thing." I think she tried to imitate the whispers…

...The spirits don't reply.

As such, Ha-chan quickly loses interest, looking at her hands. "Oo~h! I'm all glowy~...!"

Standing up, she beams! "Oh yeah! I used to warm up, like this! Wo~w…!"

Quickly, she shuffles in the snow, making a determined face as she does so! She doesn't glow any brighter, though. "Aww~..." Apparently, she can even tell!

...Looking at the spirits, she holds a hand out. "We~ll. There's no use in _feeling weird_ , so…" She begins to drift towards the closest one! "Hehe~! Zappity zap zap!"

...Slowly, the spirits begin to back away from her!

Genkan starts to float away, too. "Hana. I don't think-"

"He~y…" Frowning, Ha-chan thrusts herself forward at the nearest spirit! "Zappity zap-"

 **KABLAM- THWAAA~SH**

Woaa~h! " _Waa~h!?"_ I yell out, but can hardly hear myself yell over the blast! Holy fu~ck!

...Once the _unyielding light_ dies down, I take a look. I think she turned into a huge thunderstorm after touching one…!

All of the blizzard stuff's gone. There's still snow on the ground, but the stuff under the spirits got like _vaporized._

Thud. Ha-chan falls over, still alive after that, somehow. "Uu~h…"

 _Thwa- thwash! Thwash. Thwash…_

Lightning arcs up from the rooftops of some surrounding houses. Da~h…

 _THWASH_. Woah!

...Oh, the debris was blown off the top of our ice fort thing. Hoh. All the electricity's arced up to this like one cloud in the sky, which is now shimmering with scattered internal energy!

…

All around us, some of the tinier shacks of surrounding farms walls just fold outward, the roofs curiously absent. The people inside each look freaked out…!

Holy shit. Ha-chan just _deroofed_ all the neighboring farms. Oh shit...

...I start to crawl out of the ice tomb. I think... it's safe! Also, the spirits are gone.

Oh, wow. Genkan's really _just_ out of the kaboom radius. The lightning's arc from the _boom_ and the roof must've like _grazed her_. She's crouching with her hands awkwardly at her sides…!

Then, noticing us getting out of the _ice machine_ , she just snaps back up and whirls to face us, acting like nothing awkward just happened. "...The spirits were dispelled." You _don't say_ …

"Are- are you sure about that…" Maria uncertainly sasses her!

...After brief contemplation, she smirks! "I suppose that much was obvious."

Some moments later, we're all out of the ice tomb, and yeah…

Man, this boy's yard got _fucked up_. His crops got like _nuclear wintered_. His house got run over by a reindeer…!

"Do you guys know the… popular outside holiday carol?" I don't think these dudes know what _Christmas_ is, which is a crime against humanity, but one I will treat at a later date! "The jig that goes, 'my house got run over by a reindeer'...!?"

This made Genkan raise her brows. "...Reindeer?"

Maria looks at me as she pats ice stuffs off her clothes. "...That's a fitting name for it. Have you seen those things, before…?"

You dudes don't know what _reindeer_ are, either. What, how, why.

...I just look bewildered, yo! "Reindeer are like… kinda like deer, but…" How the hell do you describe it. Deer with big antlers? Do they even normally have big antlers, or are those just Santa's reindeer? I'm not an _animal study person!_

"Made of ice, and ten feet tall?" Genkan takes a good guess! Yes, I remember Santa's _nightmare deer from hell,_ quite. Y'know- I just realized, but does the translation barriermajig convert metric measurements to U.S. customary? Hoh…! Attention to detail!

" _No_ , yo." I grin at 'er! "That was like, a youkai _based on 'em_ or some shit. Actual reindeer are just deer wit' big antlers that live on mountains." ... _Reign_ deer, dude. That's probably why they considered the name apt!

"...Huh." Maria looks surprisingly comfy after that big tussle. That went better overall than anticipated, really. "I don't think we have those in Gensokyo… not- not the normal kind, anyway."

Yeah, instead we got the roving murdermania kind. That's great, dude.

...Hmm? There's something on the ground, by Genkan. I think that's about where the reindeer fucking exploded after we pummeled it.

Moving up to her, I crouch down and pick it up!

...Issa _bone._ One bone, to be exact!

"I got a bone!" Yeah, dude!

"Good for you." Genkan is unimpressed! "...Why is there only one?"

Good question. Anyway-

"Oh, right!" Maria perks up, and begins moving around the house! "We have to help that… person!"

"Oh, shoot…" Genkan begins to strafe around the building's ruins even faster! "I can't believe we forgot…"

...Once Genkan's there-

Ah, the boy's fine. He's standing in the middle of a space, dusting himself off, and looking just _lost_. "Ah…"

...Once I reach 'em, I wave! "Hello, yo! We've, uh… saved ya. From the... _reindeer gods_ who were fated to gib you today, or something ta that effect." Really, I think this was a lot more than _everyone_ bargained for…!

He looks at me, then down at the rubble. "...A- ah. Thank… you. I think."

Then, he looks around at the _ice lands_ that used to be his crops. The icicles everywhere all exploded, but the bases are still there, and everything's _snowy_.

"...I think I lost everything." Oof. "Again." _How_ did it happen the first time. Is this, like, a _thing?_

"Again…?" Maria tilts her head! "What happened the first time…?"

"...Debtors." The boy looked away. Wha- _debtors_. What _fucking_ kind of debtors par with this…!? "I guess I kinda prefer this. I can find some abandoned wood, and rebuild… and maybe go hunt outside until I can plant again."

Taking this moment, he stops, and searches his pockets. "...O- oh, no. I don't even know where the money for- for the job is…"

Oh, what happened to that guard from earlier, anyway? Ah, whatever. Probably got up and hobbled off when the blizzard stuff happened. His body's not anywhere, so hoh.

"Um…" After glancing at us, Maria scratches her cheek! "You don't… _have_ to pay us, I think."

...He looks up at us! "Wh- what? Really?"

I hold up a hand! "I got an idea!"

...The friends all look at me.

I point at 'em! "Teach us how ta cast that 'lumen' spell, yo!" That will be adequate non-monetary compensation!

...Smiling, he looks aside me. "Uu~h. Well, um… I- I can only cast it through this… holy- basically, only I can cast it, I think."

Holy? I got a holy thing!

Putting away this freakin' _caveman bone_ from the reindeer, I take out Youkai Inconveniencer! "I got holy stuff!" It's a hanger attached to a chain of cross necklaces on a _stick!_ The holiest of artifacts!

After giving my implement a _look_ , he considers. "...We- well. Okay, I guess."

…

"What- what is that…" He points at the holy hanger flail thing!

...I look it over, before grinning smugly and nodding, dude. "It's the relic of the ancient Turkenese, dude."

"Oh…" His eyes widen! "Wow."

...At Maria's inquisitive stare, I turn to her and mouth 'it's not', shaking my head very obviously.

"Are you okay with teaching us your magic?" Genkan wishes to confirm the moral ramifications! "If we're bothering you, you needn't."

"Oh- no, it's not a problem." He shakes his head! "You guys… I don't think I could've fought that house smashing thing on my own. I'm on my last mana potions, too…" Yeah- that thing would've skullfucked you eight ways to Sunday. "It's the least I could do. I- I can't really tell you more- but, thank you." Whah.

Also, he's still covered in blue kiss marks. What the fuck was this job, dude.

"But anyway!" He gets us off those old topics! "Lumen is… um… a- a holy spell, and I think they're… based off of…" Furrowing his brows, he focuses, yo. "Holy spells can feed off will and sentiment, and um, yeah. When they don't, they're super super complex math stuff, and I don't really get it, but, um…"

I wonder if I'll heal from rubbing snow all over myself. Can I eat snow to regain health…!?

"For me, Lumen feeds off my… emotions and stuff. The actual spell's _Vol Luminatio_ , but my version's smaller and… worse I guess, but easier to cast."

Stepping up to me, he holds up his _hoe_. "You're, um, gonna need a focus. Y'can use mine if-"

"Wait, yo…!" I start digging for my NERF blaster! Aw, yea~h, dude. "I've got a focus, yo!" Also, I have my holy flail of doom out right now. Is that not a focus…!? Anyway, I've got my _gun_ out too, now.

"Ah…" He blinks at the toy gun, before nodding. "Right. So, can you do um, _any_ holy magic…?"

...Oh, yeah.

Kneeling down, I focus my mana into the hange~r… and then I whip the floor!

 _Fwoosh!_ A person-sized orb of soft light expands in the midst of the snow before me, blowing some of it away and into the air.

"Woah…!" The boy stared at it after it'd vanished! "How'd you do that…!?"

Son- that's my question! "I dunno. My thing casts it for me, I just gotta put in mana!"

"That's how my penda- ah, that's how I do it, pretty much!" He exclaims! "...Do you think of mom- your mom- too?"

No, I think of _your mom_. Wait, do you mean you think of _my_ mom…!? Help. Also, I shake my head. "Freakin'... _no_ , yo." My holy is not emotionally charged in any way!

"...O- oh." Yeah, _oh_ , son. "Hrrm…"

...I let my arms ragdoll.

…

"I- I'm not sure how to… teach it, to be honest." Aaa~h! Son!

Maria steps up, to assist! "Try casting it again." She lays her hand on the _hoe._ "I wanna see how you do it. I've kinda gotten better at… observing magic happenings, and stuff."

"Okay." Nodding, the boy aims the hoe up into the sky kinda awkwardly. "Lu- _lumen!_ "

 _Woo~sh_. The glowing orb generates, filling to life and pulsating at the tip of the hoe-

 _Fwoosh!_ It slowly careens off into the daytime sky, _disney sparkles_ in its wake, as well as a small wind current…

...Maria steps back. "Hmm. You're drawing some kind of power from that pendant on your chest."

"No- no I'm not!" He hugs a hand around the pendant! "What pendant…!?"

...After a moment, Maria's stare becomes blank! "...Well, anyway, it's kind of a trickle of holy energy being released by the pendant. For some reason, that thing just emanates holy."

"Sto- stop!" The boy demands of her! "People can't know! Please, stop!"

...Aw. Maria looks saddened. "It's okay… guy. I already learned what I wanted. I, um, didn't see your pendant, I guess. If anyone asks."

...He frowns. "You mean it?"

"Yes..." She's somewhat incredulous, as well as saddened!

"...Good." Nodding, he turns away from us.

Stepping up to me, Maria speaks! "...I'm not sure if you can cast it, but we can probably give it a try at some point. Holy magic is… weird." Yeah, yer tellin' me…

Well, anyway, I'm gonna trade the kid some juicy intel for maybe his spell. "Yo, kid guy." We _still_ don't know his name…!

...Once he looks over at me, I continue! "Y'know a dude named Fred?" Freakin' Fred.

...He blinks! "Y- you mean… the youkai hunter?" Wha- he _knows_ 'em? "Also, um… my name's Fujio."

"...Ye." Hoh, hoh. "Y'know where he lives?"

"No…" Fujio looks away from me. "Why?"

...Lookin' away from the farm, I point down the direction of the main road that normally leads ta Hakurei land. "Third house down on that street, there…"

"East main street." Maria explains for me! "Right?"

"Yeah, s'a main road." I nod! "Fred lives there, yo. If he points a gun at'cha, tell 'em Brad blew up your house, and that you wanna mulch him. You'll probably make good friends, yo; maybe let'cha stay the night, if ya know what I'm sayin'...!" Fred's kind of a dickbag, but he has good intentions _sometimes_ , so he's not a bad person at heart at least. I'm sure he'll find it in his heart to help a fellow shota boy out.

…

At my words, he nods. "I- I'll do that. Thank you, um… Brad?" Hoh. Hoh hoh...!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We're on the village's south road! Which, if you're as lost with a compass as I am, is the road with Marcus's shop and Sekibanki's house and leads to Eientei and the bamboo stuffs.

That's also exactly where I plan on taking us! Eientei, that is.

Ultimately, we didn't get paid, and that guy's probably gonna be homeless for awhile, but it was still a _thing that happened_.

"Why, um…" Maria's got a raised brow! "Why're we going to the clinic?"

"So we can see more stuff!" Exploration! Bu~t… "That holy thinkin' also reminded me of something… somethin' I wanna check up on." There was that robot I found, with healing capabilities, from some alternate world or some shit. Something like that! "That, and y'know, getting out of the village, 'n' all that."

...Accepting these answers, Maria kept up with us as we neared the gate out. "...Maybe I can try and... teach you that spell on the way there." Yeah, _yo_.

"I must admit… I haven't considered the bamboo forest, often." Genkan discusses her experiences- or lack thereof- with the bamboo woods. "I've been there, but I choose not to frequent there. It's a complicated place."

Yeah, I'll say. Freakin'... a lot of weird shit goes down in there, and it's a freakin' maze on top of it!

We reach the gate!

...The guard looks us over. "Look-"

"Ahergin' dergin' _derger!"_ I don't have time to play Pokemon cards with you, my man! "I'm a-" Oh, right. I take out my badge! "I go out, youkais don't come in. Don't ask, don't tell, don't freakin'... aa~h!"

...Bewildered, the guard goes to open the gate!

I grin back 'a my party…! "See, yo. My pinky's number one on every list!"

"This includes the wanted felons registry, surely." Genkan pummels my soul…!

 _Cla- cla- cla- clank_. The gate to the new world… is open!

"You bet!" I _point at 'er!_ "I am the terror known as the great catastrophe…!" Cat ass trophy.

 _Bam!_ Once we're outside, the gate shuts behind us. Once again, we are cast onto the open plains! And, once again… I am confronted by _this_ freakin' plain once again, personally.

...Deep breath i~n…

"Alright, um…" Maria holds up her staff! "Let's... start practicing as we walk, I guess."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We've stopped by the fluff stand…

"Try now!" Maria's gotten really into this!

This time, I try to… pour mana _into_ Youkai Inconveniencer… and once it's clunky and shit- no idea how else to describe it- I take it _back out_ and send it to my NERF blaster, through my arms and torso. Maybe I should give this gun a name other than 'generic NERF gun'...!

Then, I visualize all the stuffy stuff I gotta visualize… like, the _magic moving_ , the homing orb generating…

" _Lumen!_ " I may now be… the _lumen boy too_ , dude.

 _Woo~sh…_ The light orb slowly, gradually is churned into existence by my _method_ and- ooh. Oo~h. That… _mana cost_.

 _Fwoosh…_ Gently, so gently, the orb sails away from my NERF blaster. Oof…

"Holy… crap." That boy was just able to _spam_ this? Oo~h. Just casting it _raw_ is like… wow. Shoulda put on a _magic condom_ , son…

"So you really _can_ use that hanger to make holy…" Leaning closer, Maria looms over the hanger-flail-thing…

Yeah, but it _kicks_ my _ass_. The intricacy of the spell is basically, like… running my mana through the holy hanger and getting it back to the gun without it eating shit. It takes a lot more focus than I thought it would. Since I'm basically just shooting a _holy ball_ and not doing anything specific, it's about as complicated to create as danmaku or a fireball.

"It freakin' _eats me_ , though." Suddenly I feel like I'm freakin' _empty_.

"See if you can cast another." Maria, why~.

Well, since ice magic is to my vitality like _flex tape is to a boat_ , I might as well.

Focusing again, I let my mana travel to my hanger… flail thing. I'm just holding it by the hanger part at the moment 'cause I don't need a _longer wire ta focus on_ , shall we say.

...After a moment, I feel the magic travel across my form, from my right arm to my left, where I've got the NERF gun held.

...I start amassing the white magic at the tip. The Maverick doesn't really have much for a barrel, so just the front face of it works…

Now, the good part: how I make the thing move and stuff! As I focus on the gun- thinking about a _formless orb_ , naturally- I then look ahead at the thing I wanna _smite_. It's actually less 'how do I make it move' but more 'where do I want it to go'. It's something about how holy works just as like, an _element_ , in its most basic form.

...That _tree trunk_ over there, let's fuck it up!

" _Lumen!_ " Illuminate the barks of wrath!

 _Woosh!_ You see, basic holy is kinda like… it's like a flashlight. You have to focus a lot more on _where_ it's gonna go, not how; beyond powering it, of course. Doesn't work without batteries!

 _Fwoosh!_ Once fully charged, the orb drifts out towards the tree trunk!

 _Fwam!_ Upon reaching it, it exploded into light. My first orb before _the perspective came back_ pretty much did that instantly, and it's about as good as that freakin' shota boy got it, too.

...I stumble to the side. Oof.

"...Wahaha." I let out a flat _wahaha_. "Wow."

...Sliding up to me, Genkan places a hand on my shoulder-

 _woo~sh._ Woa~h ho ho~!

After she's done, I stumble around again! She like _infused cold into me_ , son. Like I just drank a gallon of Kool-aid, dude…!

"Al~right, yo!" I am ready to get beaten up summore!

"honh honh honh" Oh, right. The fluffy _fiend_ …

I look over at the fluffle stand. Ha-chan's partially obscuring her face with the fluffle, her nose poking out from over its tubby little head.

...Stepping up to her, I take the fluffle, and _stuff it in my bag._

"Whah…" Ha-chan stares at my bag, where the fluffle was stowed. "Oh no!" Wahaha!

"...Perhaps we should continue." Genkan looked the stand over dryly. "You've stolen the shopkeeper. I don't know what to say about that."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Bamboo woods! They're bamboo… and also maybe woods. I dunno, yo.

"I've heard a lot of horror stories about this place…" Maria approaches the thick wall of the bamboo forest apprehensively...

"Oh?" Genkan is intrigued!

"Like what, yo." The tale of the _bamboo nuker_ , dude.

"...Have you guys ever come across a mantis-like youkai?" Poking at the bamboo, Maria tries to ascertain a way in…! "With a girl torso…?"

"Once or twice." Apparently Genkan has! She drifts towards the bamboo, herself… "I was told to be wary of them, and so I have been. I've seen them cleave others in two." Oh.

"Wow…" Maria tries to wedge her staff into some of the bamboo-

 _Fwish!_ Genkan brushes a big clump aside! "Nnh… get- get in before I have to let go." She's havin' trouble keepin' it aside, though...

"Hoop!" I try to hop on inside- _double jumping-_

Agh! "Enh!" Ha-chan- why~...!?

"Oof…" I land on my _ass_. Ha-chan tried to rush in at the same time I did, and I ended up with a face full of _fairy boob_.

" _Take turns_." Genkan doesn't wanna hold on any longer than she has ta…!

"Hoh, shit…!" O~kay I'mma just-

...Ha-chan, yer in my way! I- y'know what, "Fairies first, friend."

...She gives me a snuggly smile, but doesn't move. "...Thank you." Wat.

…

" _G- go, already!_ " Genkan's baring her teeth at us as she holds on…!

"Ee!" Ha-chan zips through! Freakin'...!

I _double jump_ through, again. Maria clambers in behind us pretty promptly-

 _Cla- clack- fwish…!_ Genkan lets the shell of trees around our entrypoint clatter back into place, now inside with us. "Ha~h. Amazing cooperation..."

"...I've never seen one before! Mantis youkai people, I mean." Maybe I've just been lucky…!

Drifting by, Genkan glances over at me, before leading the way. "They're not common. You're fortunate." Hoh, shit…!

... _Thick canopy_ , son. The _thickest_ , in fact.

"This forest is _extra thick_." Wahaha!

"...That may more aptly describe the magic trees." Genkan refers to the magic of fore- I mean, forest of magic! Not that forests aren't also magic, yo. "This forest as a whole, may perhaps be described as… _thick._ "

" _Extra thick_ , yo." You gotta emphasize the end, too! _Thicc._

...Genkan just gradually gives me a stare...!

...Man, oh man, these woods. _Shit_ is just _everywhere._ By- by that I mean plants and trees and cra- _assorted plant life_ , not freakin'...

I'm still _very thankful_ that fleas and shit aren't a thing here, or else the bamboo forest would be freakin'... aa~h!

 _Snap!_ "I'd nearly forgotten…" After enough leaves get in her face, Genkan snaps a branch in half in frustration as we wade into the immense woods! "This is the _other_ reason I seldom visited here."

...After a moment, we're all pressed together. Which, y'know… s'fine by me!

 _Tick- tick- tick- tick!_ Ha-chan flaps her wings into us, and makes me jump! "Ooh…!"

"It's cramped…" She wants wing room, dude.

 _Tick- tick- tick!_ Maria blinks as the wings flap against her face gently…

"Achoo…" Aw. ...Maria furrows her brows at the fairy's back! "Hey." And then she let out the _softest 'hey'_ in _existence_ , dude.

"I'm snug." I'm gonna die, dude.

"Great." Genkan exhales…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Thu- thu- thud. We fall outta the dense forestry…!

...Pushing against the ground, Genkan thrusts me and the cuddlemuffins off of her. "Ugh. This place…"

It takes some moments, but me 'n' the girls get onto our feet. We seem to be in some kind of clearing…!

There's a _tiny tent_ before us, in the middle of the place, with a small bunch of smouldering rocks before it. I remember Mokou living in a shack, so this isn't her place…

"Aw, dude." I point at it! " _Sleeping accomodations_ , dude." It's accommodating.

"Someone might live in it." Maria considers, as we move around it kinda. "Let's not get too close…"

...Genkan seems to agree, just skirting around the side of it. As we pass the short of the camp, where we can see the inside of the tent-

 _Fwoom!_ Suddenly, the entire tent comes undone, and a bunch of rabbit people splay out across the campground!

"Woa~h!"

"Get the thing! Get the thing!"

"Stop the guy!"

"Grab the horns!"

For a moment, they pour out towards us…!

 _Kri~ng- Kri~ng- Kri~ng!_ Genkan erects three ice blades before us, building a _wall._ We're gonna make those rabbits pay for it, too! "Rabbits…!?"

"O- oh, woah…" Maria holds up her staff defensively! Um…!

…

After a moment, Genkan makes the blades fall.

Now, the rabbits are all idle, looking around bluntly. Whah…?

"Da~mn. S'not him…"

"Who're _these_ people!?"

"Hehe~y, look, the circus!"

"Sexy ice lady~!"

We weren't expected, it seems. Hoh.

Slowly, the rabbits all divert their attention away, most of them ignoring us. Some begin to set that tent back up, while a couple meander towards us…

"Hey, hey…" For some reason, all earth rabbits seem to be either lolis or shotas. How old are they really, though? Anyway- this brown-haired little guy meanders up to us! He's in some plain brown attire, although it's not unkempt. "Who the hell're you clowns?"

A flaxen-haired bunny girl runs up to us! "Ice lady~! Can I love you!?"

"No." Genkan's reply is flat. "Tell your friends. I know how you rabbits can be."

...The bunny girl turns her gaze to Maria, before beaming. "Oh- oh, my go-"

"No." Genkan repeats herself! "Tell your friends. I know-"

"Wha- I wan' even lookin' at ya!" She glares up at Genkan! "'Sides, s'her decision!"

"N- no." Slightly flushed, Maria refuses! "Let's, um, not do that."

...Pouting, the flaxen-haired bunny shook her head. "Now look what'cha made her do. I had that in the _bag._ "

"...Ta be honest, y'really didn'." The brown-haired boy gave his friend a flat stare. "Anyway, you guys, if ya haven't any business wit' us, move it 'er lose it."

...Ha-chan steps up to them! "Ooo~! Fluffy rabbit people!"

"Nn~ _no_." The flaxen haired bunny girl steps back! "Fairies're a dime 'a dozen."

...The boy points at _me_. "'Cept for you, if ya wanna stick around. We got some beer ta spare, an' I know some places." Wat, no.

"We operate as a _family unit_ , yo." I inform him! "So _no_. We're just gonna-"

"Y'know wha'- screw it, I'm comin' wit'cha." Why is he even. Does he want our shit or somethin'...!?

"If it's money you're after, we're broke." Genkan lied to the boy. "Sorry."

"Ah, piss off, I'm not hurtin'." The boy waves her off, stepping up to us! ...An' then he looks up at _me._ "I'm Naizen, guy." Oh, good. That's almost a bastardization of 'Nazrin'.

...Even more of the rabbits looking at us kinda just piss off!

'Cept for this thin _orange-haired one_ , which bounced up to us. "A~h. He~y…" She's floaty, dude.

Oh, wait! I look at the rabbit guy! "If ya can get us to the clinic, yo, that'd be cool!" Let's not blam his ass just yet!

He beams at me! "Yeah, yeah! No problem, guy!" Aw, yo!

"If you molest any of us or steal something, we will find you." Genkan doesn't wanna put up with any bullshit!

"Y'don't have to worry your tits, yuki-onna." The guy waves her off. "Yer not my _type_ anyway. Anyway, c'mon-"

"Nazaza~!" The flaxen-haired rabbit moves to stop 'em! "I thought you were gonna direct this thingy we were doin'!"

"Ah, direct it yerselves." He waves 'er off! "I'm sure y'brats know how shit goes down by now."

...She pivots away and yells at the sky! " _Shit!"_

This should abbreviate the travel time somethin' fierce, yo…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 79

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Robot Demolisher, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Factory Disassembler, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Village Revolutionary, Has Forgotten What Half of These Titles Stood For, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Hard Winter - A earth/ice elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the big, orange shaft-like hilt.

PRIMARY WEAPON SKILLS:

Jack Hammer - This weapon can be used as a jack hammer!

Attack Up - Attacks can be magically charged for bonus damage.

Generic Buff - The most generic of buffs. Boosts defense and attack moderately.

Gaia Seed - Basic earth magic. May make targets slightly tired. Creates downward push force on targets.

Tundra - Spike of sturdy ice which might throw people off balance. Might shank someone who slips onto it, though!

Ice Shard - Advanced ice magic. May freeze enemies. Creates ice magic in their body, and freezes the air around them.

Combo Plus - User gets an extra hit artificially, if they want to!

Combo Jump - User can easily cancel out of combos.

Frost Trail - User leaves frost in their trail, particularly while jumping.

NON-EQUIP SKILLS:

Lucky Star - Non-elemental attack that does very random damage to one target. Star that drops from abo~ve!

Scent Pillow - A spell taught by Koakuma. Summons a pillow endowed with the user's love fluids… which, for males, is, euh…

World's Wimpiest Fireball - A spell learned from a book given to me by Patchy. Summons a _really_ , genuinely terrible fireball that only ignites the weakest of fairies.

Lumen - Low-grade holy spell that eats all my mana. Requires a source of holy to actually be cast. Homes in on an enemy and deals a burst of mediocre holy damage.

Double Jump - A skill I got somehow! Allows the user to jump twice. Avoid fall damage, maybe!

Perspective Holder - Um…? I am the primary perspective of this story!

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I would like to know where it actually puts all my stuff though…

==o==

WEAPONS:

Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.

=o=

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! Boosts the power of holy skills.

SKILLS:

Flash - Blinding magic. Works best on dark-elementals, but also works on youkai. Humans too, kinda.

Flashlight - It's a flashlight! Might blind dark youkai, I dunno…

Shine - Basic holy magic. Generates a holy orb in the target's body, which hits 'em with raw holy and stuff...

=o=

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. Has a grate slapped onto it, and a steel block! Sparkles, too…! Oh, s'also got _strings_ , man…!

SKILLS:

Gust - Basic wind magic. Pushes the feeble…!

Fairy Dust - Weapon status effect replaced with fairy dust. Wind attacks with this weapon get fairy dust all over the enemy, debuffing their sinuses!

Bootiful Instrument - I can play music wit' it, dude!

=o=

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious ruby red gems and crimson metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites things on physical attacks!

SKILLS:

Flamethrower Plus - A jet of fire. Freakin'... what do ya want me to say!?

Fume - Makes hot air fume from the earth below. Might sear the feeble.

=o=

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Boosts the power of wind skills. Pushes air on swing!

=o=

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Boosts the power of water skills.

SKILLS:

Freakin' Leaks! - Can produce limitless fresh hanger water…!

Geyser - Basic water attack. Gush of water erupts from the earth and might fling the feeble…!

Valve - I can control the water flow with this!

=o=

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from dark shards. Glowy red runes on it…! Boosts the power of dark skills. Decreases user's defense and increases attack. Can cut things!

SKILLS:

Revenge - Non-elemental cleaving attack that increases in power when health is lower.

Bloody Mess - User bleeds faster and longer.

=o=

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Made of a lot of weird freakin' parts and stick bits and piston things…

SKILLS:

Boom - Hitting stuff makes booms!

Danmaku Pellet? - Can shoot a yellow pellet, for some reason.

=o=

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself, along with some shoddy enchantments! Lowers defense slightly. Slightly electric and holy elemental.

SKILLS:

Panic Attack! - Run faster when health is lower!

Magic Attack - Physical attacks are converted to magic attacks, and fluidly pass through objects.

Combo Jump - Allows the user to transition to jumping while mid-attack.

Aerial Plus - Forced aerial support! It's vaguely easier to hit aerial foes with it!

Air Slide Plus - Lets the user awkwardly air slide.

Glide - Replaces Brad's double jump skill with gliding.

High Jump - Increased jump height while running.

=o=

Fragile Flower - A cute hanger with floral designs and light colors. Aesthetically pleasing!

SKILLS:

Enfeebled - Wielder has halved physical defense and offense.

Cleanse - Basic healing skill which cleanses one target of all debuffs or status problems.

=o=

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF Maverick Blaster - Harmless foam dart gun toy. When I focus with it, I can fire danmaku NERF darts! Upgraded with an eagle feather and Hina's talisman to inflict confusion and bad luck by default. Negligible non-elemental damage.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy…

==o==

ARMOR:

Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means business, son. Hopefully helps hide me better in the freakin' brush…!

STATS:

One hundred fifty percent ice resistance.

Fifty percent freeze resistance.

Fifty percent dark resistance.

Negative fifty percent fire resistance.

Negative fifty percent burning resistance.

=o=

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

STATS:

Seventy-five percent time resistance.

=o=

Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.

STATS:

Fifty percent sun resistance.

One hundred percent freezing resistance.

One hundred percent blinding resistance.

One hundred percent electrical stunning resistance.

=o=

Lunarian Prototype Space Suit - A suit meant for combat in deep space. So far, it's only got the whole 'exist in deep space' part down…! Has an oxygen tank, but that's only useful if you wear the helmet to go along with it.

STATS:

One hundred percent electricity resistant.

One hundred percent freezing resistant.

Randomly casts Zero Gravity when it feels like it.

Zero Gravity - Area of effect spell which removes gravity from debris and the feeble!

=o=

Lunarian Prototype Deep Space Helmet - It's a freakin' _space_ helmet.

STATS ALONE:

Fifty percent blinding resistant.

STATS: (paired with Lunarian Prototype Space Suit)

One hundred percent electricity resistant. Again, yo!

One hundred percent resistance to burning and poison.

=o=

Testing Oxygen Tank - The oxygen tank used by the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit. Lasts for two and a half minutes! Not meant to actually be used outside of testing, but it's possible. Refills automatically in breathable air.

=o=

MP Prize Pin - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field. For awhile only the user(s) of this badge may pick them up, but after a grace period anyone can.

STATS:

Extends prize grabbing range!

=o=

Sun Badge - A badge that looks like the _sun._ How interesting, dude.

STATS:

 _Fifteen percent_ sun resistant. Wow.

Fifty percent resistance to blinding and electrical stunning.

Replaces the on-impact effect of all weapons with Sunfire Flare.

Sunfire Flare - Flash of light that blinds everyone. Doesn't work on the sun-resistant.

=o=

Stock Outfit - Blue, long-sleeved shirt with a huge V-neck button-up collar. Blue sweatpants. Most balanced outfit.

STATS:

Negative five percent wind resistance.

May make the wearer tired.

=o=

Reimu's Outfit - Shrine maiden clothes, dude. Holy resistant, but I dunno how much! Even comes with the bindings and tubes and ribbon 'n' everything!

Reimu's Ribbon - Man, that's cuddly looking.

Hakurei Arm Sleeves - How do you wear these.

Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

==o==

CONSUMABLES/OTHER:

Twenty seven thousand, nine hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!

Four Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Mega Potion - Youkai-like regen for thirty seconds… except for the whole family! Applies to entire party. Good for when we all suck at life!

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Three Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on debuffs, though...

Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Rope of Red Bikinis - Wahaha! Gonna getcha, son!

Some Fancy Key - A key lent to me by Brittany. Wha- why. What's it for…!?

Youkai Exterminator Badge - I still have this, dude! Yo ho ho! Allows me to not be considered a youkai by most guardsmen!

Bone - I got it from a _frozen reindeer_. Why's there only one…!?

==o==

RANDOM CRAP:

Tables and Furniture - Impromptu furnishings!

==o==

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I really have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

==o==

Genkan, the Yuki-onna - A bitter yuki-onna from Gensokyo's wildlands, mostly active in the winter, and on particularly cold days. Heals from ice damage. Commands powerful control over frost, and has a wide variety of ice-affinity attacks. Weak to fire and burning.

SKILLS:

Ice Control - Freely use ice to make stuff. Inherent one hundred percent ice resistance. Negative one hundred fire and burning resistance.

Freeze - Instantly freezes one to two enemies. Low chance of working on stronger foes.

Creaking Freeze - Generates a spinning, magic snowflake in an enemy's body, which instantly freezes them after a moment. High accuracy.

Glacier - Erects a massive blade of ice from the ground, dealing incredible physical ice damage.

Triple Glacier - See above, but on three enemies! As such, costs triple the mana!

Ice Spin - Spins and lashes out with chilling frost. Probably just an extension of her normal frost powers and not an actual skill…

Ice Shard - Advanced ice magic. May freeze enemies. Creates ice magic in their body, and freezes the air around them.

Snow - Make it snow locally. Very minor ambient ice damage to everyone on the battlefield, including allies. Has a low chance to instantly freeze someone for no reason.

Yuki-onna's Embrace - Hug. Binds target close to her. Makes the target tired, severely lowers accuracy and magical defense, and makes them comfortable. Skill may only be performed by yuki-onna. Negative facets reduced by ice and freezing resist. Someone with over a hundred resistance will be buffed and healed by it…!

Yuki-onna's Entombment - Final, optional stage of the hug…! Guaranteed instant death inflicted by the draining of vitality. Heals the user for the heat taken from the target. Does not work well on bosses or the instant death resistant. Instant death proc is nullified if the target's ice or freezing resistance is over fifty percent. Skill may only be performed by yuki-onna.

Other Skills - Probably has more spells, but freakin'... I dunno her like a textbook!

INVENTORY:

Absolute Zero Kimono - A better version of the stock yuki-onna kimono. Has new trims and stuff!

STATS:

Two hundred ice resistance. Genkan only receives one hundred since this is her stock apparel…! Still adds up to two hundred 'cause of her Ice Control skill… and being a yuki-onna and all.

Negative one hundred fire and burning weakness. Doesn't affect Genkan since this weakness is native anyway, but oof.

=o=

Two thousand yen - Her remaining total after spending money on our upgrades.

Bagged Money - Some money Reimu got for us, to pay for our _irreversible trauma_. She's friendly, dude. We haven't counted it out, yet!

I dunno - What would I~ have if I was a sexy ice woman?

[unknown spaces remaining]

==o==

Maria, the Actually Ordinary Magician - A villager from the human village. Used to run the most impoverished bar ever, but that fell under or something. Really low self-esteem! Resistances and weaknesses depend on equipment. Can cast basic elemental spells!

SKILLS:

Fire - Small, homing fireball of doom. May ignite foes! Doesn't do much damage.

Blizzard - Spread shot of big snowflakes. May chill foes.

Thunder - Random spread of bolts in an area! Zaps people…!

INVENTORY:

Pine Frost Staff - Made with pine wood and an icy reagent. Also good for bonking things! Twenty five percent ice resistance, one hundred percent freezing resistance. Negative fifty percent burning resistance.

SKILLS:

Ice Shard - Advanced ice magic. May freeze enemies. Creates ice magic in their body, and freezes the air around them.

Blizzara - Big spread shot of myriad ice chunks, with magical snowflakes whirling around inside them. May freeze foes!

=o=

Casual Freeze Clothes - Casual, neon villager garb. Bright yellow shirt with a blue snowflake stitched onto the front, a bright blue skirt, and a tan vest. Looks about as garish as your regular Touhou, now!

STATS:

Fifty percent ice resistant.

One hundred percent freezing resistant.

=o=

Wood Staff - Good for bonking things!

Magical Lens - A lens that shoots _la~ser bea~ms!_ ...When you input mana into it, anyway, apparently. Gift from Marcus Kirisame!

[Travel Bag] - Inventory that exists! Does not take up inventory because it is inventory. Eight slots.

Two Mana Potions - Guess wha~t? It heals, except mana!

[four spaces remaining]

==o==

Hana, the Electric Fairy Maid - Hello again, friend! You're _fluffy_. Healed by electric magic. Immune to electric stunning!

SKILLS:

Little Zap - Basic electric magic. Zaps a target twice with static from above!

Random Electric - When pressured, uses random electric spells that exist.

Electric Control - With true power, she's able to stun opponents into submission by touching them, apparently.

Electric Elemental - Three hundred percent electric resistant. One hundred percent resistance to electrical stunning.

INVENTORY:

Hana's Fairy Maid Uniform - Stock standard uniform from the mansion! Cyan-tinted in places to match her hair color. Honh...

==o==

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

a fun chapter

nothing _particularly_ remarkable happened but we moved about and saw some stuff and did some things

i did gain some new skills and danmaku is now more appealing to my guy since it now can come in the form of nerf darts - w -

we beat up a BIG FROZEN REINDEER from DARK SOULS

by sitting in a tomb and slowly prodding it to death with fire magic, and ha-chan

she actually did like ninety percent of the damage by hugging onto it and molesting it; it's _not_ thunder resistant ironically

a nice slow wakeup and a _re-evaluation of my inventory stuffs_ along with some things i have and have never picked up . w .

also new inventory explanation system that's sort of ugly but should be more clear about the custom skills i like to define (some from the epic battle fantasy series and some from final fantasy / kingdom hearts)! for all the flack i give square enix their visual design and general concepts are cool. their stories though…!

as always, see you all next time!


	101. The Loli with Legislation for a Head

(hey guys you know what time it is) (MAJI- matt, it's- it's matt time...)

…

Hmm. Hrm hrm. Morning time? Morning time…

I'd nearly forgotten how quaint a bed is, compared to a _futon_ or _hard wood_. It's almost a problem, because I'd rather not get out of bed, really.

And I've just realized, something's in the way of my limb movement. I don't usually sleep like that.

More clearly, I focus on the dim morning light from the window. Following it along, I…

Oh, that's what's on me. That's _who's_ on me. _Shikome's on me._ Shikome's _very_ on me.

Her head lies on my bare upper chest, into my neck almost, with a hand to my right breast. Her kimono is undone, our forms touching, hers weighing down mine. Her hair is down, which is not a sight seen often.

Huh. Well, that's unexp-

 _When did this happen._ How- this is not good. This is not _fucking_ good- get me the _fuck_ out of here!

Snapping into action- and alertness- I aggressively shuffle beneath her to free myself. I can't go left and out of the bed, so- fuck it, let's just move!

Once I'm out from under her- our legs thankfully not entirely intertwined- I barrel roll off the right of the mattress-

Agh- ngh. Fuck. I rolled between the bed and the wall, and now I'm under it- the bed, that is. Also- what the fuck are my clothes…?

I've got my _dress shirt_ on, rolled up awkwardly. My skirt's not there to get caught on anything, and- I'm not wearing panties, either. My bare bottom is currently pressed against the wood walling and floor, and I can feel the panties… around my _ankle?_ _What happened…!?_

...Why am I in socks!?

I mobilize- fuck, bed undercarriage sucks… I-

Nevermind, it's too low down even for loli-me to fit under it properly.

...I'm stuck. Shikome's not up yet, however…

...My hand slaps out of the trench I've sunken into, and I begin trying to pull myself up. "Hnn~..."

Come the fuck on. "Hnh- enh… Ha- nnh…!"

My limbs, they vaguely ache. What the _fuck_ … _!?_

"Co- come o~n…" I will push this entire damn mattress off the frame if I have to! "Enh! Enh!"

...What the fuck.

Well, I'm about woken up, now. This is _bad_.

...I glance down at my bare, pale chest, as best I can while wedged between a mattress and a wall. I'm new to this whole 'being a small loli' business.

Shikome's sleeping peacefully on her side still, even without me. She looks pretty cu- fuck.

...Footsteps. Who in the hell-...

Vanilla walks by plainly.

"He- hey…!" Hushed whisper yelling is the meta-strat for this. "Hey…!"

...Pausing, Vanilla looks over at us, before grinning. "Wh- wha~...?"

...There's something off about that, but I can't put my finger on it. "Help…! Help…!" I slam my arm into the bed gently to emphasize the urgency of this situation.

"How'd you even do that…?" Stepping over, Vanilla takes the moment to just _stare at_ and _revel_ in my helplessness.

"Just- he~lp…!" Do you not see how urgently my arm is gently slamming the mattress. For all you know, I could be getting pinched to death or something. Maybe there was a bed of spikes behind the mattress for no discernable reason.

...Still smiling, Vanilla- she just begins to _walk off._ "Sorry…" No! 

"Stop…!" Come back here.

"I can't." What- are you fucking…

Saying no more, she's already gone, resolute on disobeying me.

...She's going to work unpaid overtime for that. Not that I pay her- much- anyway.

Anyway, this is a _cool mattress_. Why does it weigh a million fucking pounds. I know it has someone else on it, but you'd think-...

"Ngh!" I am wedged _damn good_. This was my worst post-awakening idea ever, only to be trumped by perhaps, rolling out of bed into a pit of spikes and instantly dying.

...More footsteps. That sounds like the plywood shuffling downstairs…

"Yeah, boss girl's upstairs." _One_ of the two trap demon people recommends someone up here.

"My _appreciations_." Oh. _Oh._

... _Woosh_. Aiko leaps into the room from below quite aptly, the first floor's vague plywood ramp tumbling beneath her assertive thrust onto the second floor.

...As she steps forward, she turns her gaze to the left, where our- my mattress is.

Again, I slap the mattress top with my loli arm. "Hey…!"

...Aiko slowly gains one of history's most jaded expressions.

"Help…!" I am _super stuck._

...Don't just _say nothing._ Humor me with some pointless banter, at the very least.

"I pay you…" I remind her. "He- nh, help…"

"...I believe not." Aiko simply folds her arms, her hands stretching out curiously to keep her fingers pointed away from herself.

"...Wh- why." Why must all you people condemn me to this fate. My castle was built upon sand, it seems.

"I've already felt crossing your _lover_ there to be a bad prospect. I don't plan to wake sleeping bears- in this case, _literally_." She slowly gains the most sinister smirk, which would be far more intimidating were it not about me getting wedged between a mattress and a wall.

...Fuck.

"Nnh…" What. Shikome's _stirring._

I stop slapping the mattress like an _angry loli._ Maybe if I don't move, she won't see me.

...After a quaint moment, she shuffles over towards my side, and stares down at me.

"...Hi." I suppose greetings are in order. "...Help?"

...Almost gingerly, she tilts her head away for a moment, before-

She's shuffling over further. Who knows what will happen, now. I'm praying for 'help me out'.

 _Thud_. Instead, she's decided to flop into the crevice with me, our faces smashing together for a brief moment. _Fuck._

Maybe if I- well, I can get my entire arm under the mattress, maybe if I really try-

Nuzzling closer into me with what would normally be defined as a blank expression-

 _Thunk!_ She pushes the bed beside with her hip by accident-

 _Thud_. I'm on the floor, on my back proper-

This is exactly what I didn't want fucking happening! Shikome's arms have wrapped around me!

"Let go…" You know, I feel like protesting won't work but _damn_ if I won't half-ass it!

...In response, Shikome boops my nose with hers. Fuck. I'd push, but the chances of that succeeding is a statistical impossibility.

"Aiko…" I call out for the cat. I _know_ she's still there! "Help…!"

"Mrrm." ...That's not a reply.

Shikome doesn't bother to look at her-

One of her arms travels towards my butt. _Fuck!_ Hell no, fuck no, shit-

/ / / / MRRY CRSMS / / / /

…

"Mnn." Shikome lets out a little noise. I think.

…

"Hey…" Vanilla. "Don't we have to, um… get up? And do things?"

…

Pushing up off of me, Shikome sets her eyes on the vampire. Almost clumsily- almost human levels of gingerly- she rotates herself around to hop off the bed; by sitting on her bum and rotating her legs out of the bedding and over everything, and off the mattress side.

Pulses. Lying on my stomach with a cheek against the mattress, I refuse to move. What... is this…

…

"Um…" Vanilla steps closer, and our gazes meet. "...Hi?"

…

/ / / / A FAMILY PICTURE / / / /

...I adjust my tie one more time, sitting on the counter. Once again, I'm on the bar's main floor, if that wasn't obvious.

"We should probably open, soon…!" Vanilla scurries off to change the opened sign to a- I mean, closed sign to a… we don't have an open sign, we just get rid of the closed sign every morning.

I just had an _experience._ I think I have an excuse to be less together than I probably should be.

...Nearby, Shikome stands on a stool. She shouldn't be down here, but she is. Not like we'll get much business at this time of the day.

"...I didn't come here to _dawdle._ " Aiko's sitting near me, arms on the counter. "If you've calmed down, I would like to get this situation arranged."

 _You_ didn't just get raped by a loli as a loli.

...Hmm. Things we _need_ , yes. It's been a day or two since Brad showed up and promptly ran away. While this would normally be entirely negligible in and of itself, Shikome slaughtered Mokou, that immortal fire person. Not sure if I should keep my eyes open.

Aiko waves a hand before my face. "Hello~?"

"I- I didn't necessarily have an opportunity to _think_ before, y'know…" Take my loli discontent.

"Fine, fine." Aiko sees reason in that, apparently. "Don't take _too long_ , now."

...So. Things we need. We've already managed to ascertain a _chalkboard_ , courtesy of Aiko's 'around the village in fifty days' tour.

 _Cli- click- click_. In the background, Rumia scribbles _something_ onto it, with a fully extended arm, because that's how you draw things. I have no idea where Aiko fetched chalk from.

...Second, we have a freezer in the back. Powering for it is something we'll need to work on, but it differentiates inside and outside temperature well enough for adding ice to it to be a thing. As for making ice in this _impoverished environment_ , Aiko just bought us a stack of these weird ice-flavored talismans and told us to combine it with water. Single use, but freezes a bucket of water instantly, so it's just fine, for now.

"Heyo~." The _demon trap_ with long blonde hair- of the two Shinki gave us- came down, stepping down the plywood clumsily. "Hey, slut. What's for breakfast?"

...Oh, she's referring to _me._ "The usual." ...I don't actually feed people much, here. Shikome and Rumia feed themselves, basically. Vanilla lives off blood, which she can get from a number of places here, since she's not apt to suck anyone's soul out.

I've never seen these two eat anything, though.

She- or he, or _whatever_ , I don't know- gives me a grin. "Oo~h? Who's the next lucky boy, then?"

...I don't see correlation with anything I just said- wait. Does _dick_ act as sustenance for them, then?

It's too early for this shit.

"...We could use a _music box_." I decide. We need high quality rips in this establishment.

"That's not a boy." Demon trap gives me a vain expression. "That's not even a dude, or food." I wasn't talking to you, you know.

"...I think I know a few places." Aiko considered. "Anything _else_ … _?"_

We might need carpentry, but I don't think Aiko can just steal housework. Materials, yes; actual constructed homes parts, no.

"...Food meat." I request of Aiko, now that we can actually sustain it. "For feeding people. And, if possible, beer."

...Aiko stood up. "I'll see what I can do. Things have been _hell_ since you had…" She points at Shikome, "grow a tree in that shop. This village hasn't been this alive in some time, I'd say."

"Even more reason for you to do things." If it's alive, no one will notice a few steaks or bottles missing. Probably. Or notice a cat hauling them off.

...After an idle moment, she turns to me. "This change in management is _curious._ "

Is it. "Really?"

"It's almost like nothing's changed. Your ambitions seem almost similar to his." Aiko makes the apt observation.

"Really…" I am awestruck by this epiphany. Who even am I anymore. "...I'm his second daughter twice removed."

"Sure you are." With that, Aiko begins to properly vacate the premises.

…

You know, I feel like abusing my authority today.

/ / / / IT'S A CHICKEN STORY DUDE / / / /

Out on the village streets once again, it would seem. With any luck, I won't run into all the heroines ever and somehow instantly explode from traveling a few steps outside the bar.

The road's less populated than usual. Guards travel in packs, for some reason, rather than just patrol lazily.

I'm sure Shikome can hold the fort, while I'm gone. Vanilla knows how to operate the drinks, and Shikome should keep people from dying or killing each other.

...As I progress onto the main street-

" _Fuck o~ff! Hra-"_

 _Wham!_ "Gugh…"

Thud. Some hooligan collapses onto the street some feet away from me.

...Byakuren sighs, staring down at him, retracting her palm. "That's no good. That's no good at all…"

Why are people just randomly attacking the heroines, anyway. That seems like the worst possible idea.

...To the right of Byakuren, there are two more hooligans. One's _tubby_ , and the other looks scrawny.

"...We- we don't need any of your shit!" The tinier guy holds up a dagger.

The tubbier guy is significantly more composed. "Aw~ c'mon now, Joricho~! Joricho~." He stares down at the guy Byakuren destroyed in one hit. "C'mon, Joricho~, man… don't pussy out."

"Might I ask you…" Byakuren gives them her trademark happy stare of death. "Who _exactly_ is putting you boys up to harass us? Never before has this village directed hostility towards us so… _openly._ For seemingly no reason, even."

"Like we fuckin' tell you." The tubby guy just nodded at her. "Y'wont kill us. We get paid- deal's a deal, done deal, y'know. I'm done."

He looks over at the scrawnier guy. "Sli' 'er fuckin' throat, Kingo. Hundred thousand yen says she won't kill you, c'mon."

...His breathing quickening, the boy licks his lips, before-

Jolting over towards Byakuren, he readies to flail his knife wildly. " _Die!"_

...As he nears-

Byakuren grabs his knife with her hand.

 _Crack!_ The blade snaps in her grasp, crumbling to pieces.

...Eyes wide, he raises his arms, stepping back-

 _Pap!_ In an instant, her palm met his chin, almost to the side of it-

Thud. He was down, sliding onto his rear almost instantly.

...With that, she turned her attention to the fat guy.

"Hahaha~." He smiles lazily. "...Go on, kill 'em."

Maybe I should abuse my authority and save the day as a loli. Actually- if I'm head of finances, who's giving them money to be dumbasses?

...As Byakuren nears him, he holds his arms out. "I ca' take a punch! Kill me!"

She just sighs. Again. "Do you have no dignity, or shame? Why do you do these things?"

"'Cause yer a stupid nun _fuck_." He begins to saunter towards her. "...Well, if you ain't gonna kill _me-_ "

He lunges to tackle her, arms spread-

 _WHAM- Cru~nch…!_ Her fist meets his jaw, landing an uppercut backed by luminescent blue energy bestowed into her arm and fast.

"Nha~...!" The blow sent the man, despite his size, _multiple feet_ into the air.

Just as soon as he hits the apex of his short launch, within the same second Byakuren snaps into the air to continue plowing towards him, both arms violently luminescent-

Her eyes are seemingly actually _open_ , as opposed to when she's practically sleepwalking with her neutral stare.

" _Haa~!"_ The glowing arms whip forward in alternating, rapid succession-

 _Pap- pap- pap- pap- pap- pap- pap- pap!_ As the fat man's body only slowly lowers, somehow suspended by the barrage of punches into at first his thighs and then his girth, he kept his arms held out, almost in shock-

 _Pap!_ The final blow of the flurry let him land, and finally he clutched his stomach. " _Ou~h…!_ "

...As he stumbled back, Byakuren reeled her arm back one last time-

 _WHAM!_ Her glowing blow met his right side-

" _Whua~!"_ The man yelled out as he was thrown away like a ragdoll.

...Thud. He landed across the square, rolling to a stop. "Nh- nhkh…" Ending up on his back, he appeared woozy and uneven.

…

Byakuren exhaled again, before looking around, almost as if to confirm whether or not anyone of note saw her do that. How curiously self-aware of her.

Well, that was entertaining. So that's what Aiko meant.

I start to move again, after observing the spectacle-

 _Thunk_. Why, the square is so quiet right now, I could hear a barrel spontaneously tip over.

...I watch Byakuren approach the tipped over barrel across the way- oh. It seems it's 'bring your fucktoy to work' day, because Byakuren has that boy I sold her out and about, apparently.

"They shouldn't give us anymore trouble." Byakuren beckoned for him to follow. "Still, I don't like this…"

"Lady Hijiri~!"

Before they could leave, _Ichirin-_ I _think_ \- bolted down one of the roads. "We found a place! We found a place!"

...Byakuren tilted her head at her. "Ah. What kind of place?"

"The moment we walked in, a bunch of guys with guns shot at us!" Ichirin says this like it's a good thing. "Show 'er, Unzan!"

Suddenly Unzan. Where was he hiding. Maybe he hides in Ichirin's ass.

 _Cla- cla- clack, clack.._. He drops a bag of marbles worth of musket rounds down onto the floor, from within himself or something. A lot of people wanted her dead, apparently.

Why do these people have guns. They're probably not the town guard if they're just shooting people randomly with the actual maniac-in-chief dead and gone.

...I would like to know about these guns.

Approaching them, I request information. "I heard something about guns."

...The girls and the boy just look over at me, almost blankly.

Then, Ichirin perks up. "You're so _cute!"_ Okay.

"You don't have to concern yourself." Byakuren smiles down at me. It feels curious interacting with her now. "We're here to help."

"Actually, I do." I reach into my pocket for that card Okita gave me- about him being the financial person, and all that, which has aged terribly.

Here we go. I flash the card at them. "I have a duty to investigate this." ...I'd tell them I'm just the financial officer outright, but I don't think they'd believe me. I need to get business cards.

...At that, Byakuren just began moving. "Let's get moving. You can come with us."

I guess that works. I'm going to defuse it before Byakuren can make everyone's heads explode, though.

"Where're your parents…?" Ichirin tilts her head at me. "Ah! Do you have any…!?"

"No. They all died, in a big explosion." Bad time. "The biggest anyone's ever _seen._ "

...Ichirin _wilts._ "A- aww~...!"

...Before moving on further, Byakuren pauses, turning to me and flashing me a big smile. "If you ever find yourself in a bad position, come to the temple. We welcome any and all newcomers."

Right. Cool religious undertones to your charity.

/ / / / KABLAM SON / / / /

This house looks unassuming. The door's wide open, though.

Outside it, Ichirin and Byakuren stand, keeping to the side as I requested. Well, there's also kid commissar, but he's just been totally passive.

"Whatever you do, don't walk in!" Ichirin gives me some advice, in relation to the house. "Or they'll kill you and stuff…"

...Yes, I think I've ascertained as much. Walking across the street and looking inside- the door being _still open_ and the walls still full of some holes from what I can only assume was Ichirin's last visit- I saw tables overturned, and some people positioned awkwardly.

...Maybe I'll head in through the _back door_ , then.

So I move past the religious nuts-

"Where're you going…?" Ichirin calls out to me.

"It's dangerous in these alleys." You think I, of all people, don't know this, Byakuren? "I wouldn't recommend you-"

"Hold on. I _know_ what I'm doing." Just be quiet. You people are noisy.

...Around the back of the place-

Two vaguely armored people are standing there, both kind of round, their arms folded. Behind them is a door into the place…

Once I round the corner fully, they sight me. "Ah- hey, you…!" The one nearest me turns to face me. "...Aren't you a little one? Ya _know_ , it's awful _dangerous_ for you to-"

I take out my card again and flash it. "Okita business."

" _Okita!?"_ Upon uttering that name, he flips out, doubling back towards his ally-

"What!? Okita…!? Where?" The other big dude looks around wildly.

"Let me in or else." I assume this'll work. If it doesn't, Byakuren can just fight people.

"Oh- oh, yes, yes…!" Taking initiative, the big guy nearest me leaps out of the way-

"Ough!" -and into his friend, bowling him over-

 _Thud._ He rolled to a stop a foot behind him, ending up on his side. "You- you _dumb bastard…!"_

"Shut _up!_ It's Okita business- just…!" Turning around, he seems to brace himself for retaliation as his friend slowly gets back up…

Well, that's… huh.

Whatever. Navigating past them, I swing the flimsy wood door open, and proceed inside…

...The place is dim. Tables are arranged in a fortification around the door, and behind every one is at least two men. They've all got flintlocks aimed atop the tables at the door, crouched down to remain behind them.

All of them look rather old, having short, greying beards and economic haircuts, as well as particularly doofy-looking brown hats.

...The guy nearest me is chewing something.

"I _still_ think we oughta… _check_ , 'n' see if we shot 'er." Someone speaks. No one seems to have noticed or cared that I stepped in, so far. "Like- a blood _stain._ Even a drop."

"No can do." The other guy shakes his head, before-

 _fwoo_. He breathes out a puff of smoke, apparently working on a _cigar._ They make those, here? "The moment we let up… a bitch'll show and blow the whole thing. That's how it works. We can't let up."

…

Well, I should probably-

"Hey…" One of them speaks, again. "How much you think _ribbons_ sell fer, this season…?"

"Hahaha…" ...That was a very unenthusiastic chuckle. That, or everyone inherently speaks in monotone here, like it's a bad mafia flick.

I hold the Okita card high. "Envoy of Okita. I am here on business."

...Everyone seems to flinch at my sudden presence.

The guy nearest me takes his hands off his gun, rotating to face me. "Okita~? What's he want...? Why'd he send ya?" These men are marginally less shook, but they still reacted, at least.

"...I have been sent with instructions, to confiscate your guns." These guns are all mine now.

There's a symphony of monotone anger throughout the room. "Ah, what the _fuck…_ "

"Are you serious."

"I knew it. Stick _played_ us…"

The guy nearest me jerked his head up. "An' who the hell're you? His _daughter?_ "

"Someone sent to confiscate your guns." I restate. "Time is ticking."

"And what if we _don't_ … comply wit' yer… little demand?" He starts to stand… "What're you gonna do?"

"Send the town guard in." I state.

He cracks his knuckles. "An' how're you gonna send 'em in?"

"...They're outside." I state plainly. "Right now."

...He just looks away. "Damn. Kenshiro, go check if she's-"

" _Stop it!_ " We hear the tubby guys yelling outside, from the back door. "I'm sorry, okay!? It was- look- agh- faahaa~!"

...Sighing, the man turns away from me, and facepalms. "Fuck it. Take them. Tell Okita he's a son of a bitch."

"Mother _fucker…_ "

"Oh, damn. Really..."

"...I'm damn starving, anyway."

Everyone is surprisingly unenthusiastic. Who _are_ these people.

...Hrrm. Muskets aren't too heavy, but I am also tiny. No one seems to care about stopping me, either. I should probably hurry before they find out there's no guards outside.

Also… I wonder.

Looking over at the guy I harassed, I asked more questions. "Where's the money?"

...He snorts at me. "What money? We're flat damn _broke._ Okita should ask himself that..."

Hmm. "I'll make sure to tell him that."

...Doesn't look like he cares. Back to collecting rifles, then…

Oh, ammo, too. They've just got boxes of bullets stationed around, so that's… hmm. Oh, right, I have a backpack.

/ / / / ONII-CHAN-SAN-CHAN, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ON THE BED / / / /

I never went back to Byakuren. I just took the guns and _left._ I'm walking around with four rifles in my arms, and a backpack bloated with ammo boxes and more guns.

...Should I take this back to the bar, or should I take it to the capitol? Since I'm an officer and all, this is technically legal confiscation.

...I think I'm just going to give some of these to my fellow loli comrades and sell the rest on the black market.

Right now, I'm… actually just a few alleys away from the place I just robbed blind. Thankfully, Small Packages is up the road, since this all happened on just this _one_ road, really.

...So now is time to make my voyage across the road armed to the teeth. Who wishes to fuck with the _armory loli_.

…

Apparently not many people. I suppose that actually makes sense, because Touhou universe. What people think will happen: all the guns float into the air and fire infinite death lasers at them. What would actually happen: I can't do shit like this.

Still not many people outside, either. On my right is a bunch of fellow short people, all standing around this one stand on the street, in attire of all shades. Well, not _quite_ as short as me, but still. Who are these people, and why are they multiple houses down from what would technically be our lawn.

...I'll see about it when I'm not armed to the absolute teeth, however. Holding more than seven guns might freak them out.

After I pass them, I look at Small Packages as I near it…

Shikome is there. She's perched up upon the roof, like a _hawk of prey_ , ready to devour me whole like _beast._

Or something like that. Perhaps she's just pretending to be a gargoyle.

...I enter the bar with my _heavy weapons_.

...Some patrons glance over at me, and keep their stares. Good.

With my entourage of weapons, I romp over towards the counter…

...This woman in a vibrant purple kimono looks over at me, seated there. "...Woa~h."

Yes, woah. Behold the loli, and tremble.

"Do you have a permit for tho~se…?" The woman considered. "Wait, is that a thing? I forget…"

...Good. "Okita. Also, I'm the CFO now, so yeah."

"Aw~. Okita's such a sweetheart…" This woman apparently knows him. "Wait, how do you know Okita…!?"

I'm his sister's cousin thrice removed. "We're both on the village council."

...She nods. "Hmm. I guess that makes sense…" Her hair is a long, flowing red. It's not particularly natural, but it's a more tame shade than most people's here.

Puffing up her chest, she points to herself. "I'll have you know, I'm a police officer!"

...Ahuh. "Wouldn't that be a _guard?_ " As in, village guard…?

She shakes her head. "Fufu. Yeah, I wouldn't expect you to know what _that_ is..."

Okay.

...For now, I'll stash these under the counter and have Rumia lug them up or something.

...There we are. Just a… hold on. I should get those ammo boxes out so I can actually use my backpack and shit, not just leave it here. There're valuable self-defense tools in there.

 _Thu- thunk_. Guns and ammo are noisy to throw around.

"What's this stuff…?" Vanilla does not know what guns are.

"Boomsticks." Rifle guns, for fighting and fun. Well, _muskets_.

"I _would_ like to know why this server girl is literally naked, but I suppose it's none of my business…" The mature woman waves her ruby red nails at me. "Also, this other one."

The long-haired blonde trap demon was down here for some reason, rubbing up against the woman. "C'm _o~n._ I'll be your bitch, baby…" I think she's rubbing her crotch on the woman's thigh.

In response, the mature woman raises a brow, not even looking at the thing pleasuring itself with her side. "What is this hard thing, and why is it poking me?"

…

"It's my boner." Demon trap states plainly. "I want to have sex with you."

"Would you say you have a bone to pick with me?" The woman looks over at the trap neutrally. "I don't think I did anything to make you ma~d…"

Stumbling back, the demon trap just exhales. "Fu- nnh. You're _impossible._ What's it gonna take to get you in bed…!?"

"A bedtime story and some warm milk." The woman smiles into the air… "Ah, yes…"

Spreading her arms out- I just remembered her name was Tay- Tay gives the woman an uneven stare. "...I'll, um, tuck you in, girl. I've got plenty of nice, warm _milk_ for you."

"...No thanks, I'm not tired." The woman gives her a toothy smile.

...Tay just slouches.

"Do you have a sex drive." I ask this woman. She's as normally ineffectual as I am, and you don't see that often.

She waves my question off. "Eeh, not _recently._ I masturbate a lot though!" Wait- what.

Tay double takes. "...Are you _shitting_ _me?"_

...The woman just jerks her head back. "I beg your pardon?"

"Are you _shitting,_ on _me?"_ Tay gestures to herself with her arms.

"Ew. I don't think so?" Who is this woman, and why'd she go to a bar.

"Are you shitting on my _dick!?"_ Tay stands up, and lifts her skirt- okay.

The woman's eyes light up. "Ooo~! I didn't know girls could have those…!"

...She looks over at me. "Did you know!?" Why _ask me._

...Wait. She's not even _drinking._ She just came in and _sat down_ and started _talking to us._

Vanilla. "Did she even order anything?"

She shakes her head. "...No." My assumption was correct.

I look at her. "Why are you here."

...Smiling at me, then the walls, she begins to scan the store. "I don't know. I decided to take a walk, and I saw this place, and I liked it. Also, there's a girl on your roof, pretending to be a hawk of prey, so that was cool."

Nice. "There's a big flashy casino two doors down, and you chose _here._ "

...She shrugged. "This looked less… _well-trodden._ And hawk girl."

I suppose she can sit here being weird all she wants. Perhaps talk up other guests, as long as she doesn't scare them away somehow. She's very mature in shape, however, so I doubt she'll be scaring many men away, despite being a maniac.

...This normally isn't the most wise, but this isn't a conventional _patron._ "What is your name?" I ask of her.

She beams at me. "Kotohime! I'm a police officer!" You sure are.

/ / / / MANIAC PRINCESS THAT ISN'T KAGUYA / / / /

 _Anyway,_ I'm interested in what this small person gathering is outside on my _turf_ , as it were. Hopefully no one recognizes me as the MegaDeth loli from before.

...It seems to be an ice cream stall of some kind that everyone is rallied around. That, or everyone magically packed ice cream for this excursion, which I doubt.

"Nana-cha~n. Did they have the kind you wanted…?"

"Mmm, mmm!"

"Hey, Ami. Are you sure about that test…?" Tests? In this dimension? Keine must be some bottom-feeding, scum-sucking algae eater.

"Shi-kun. I missed you!" One letter away from being a great name.

"I need bigger glasses…"

There's a lot of kids here, and they're all excited. I say kids, but most of these are mid-teenager-looking people.

So I step up to them to investigate. Hello, fellow children.

"Hello, fellow children people." I greet my human peers. "What's hip."

...Some of the kids near me give me blank stares, before resuming their everyday fellow children activities.

"Who're you?" This girl with brown hair and thick glasses focuses on me. She's a head taller than me, too.

A fellow human child. Actually, it'd be a little _off_ to call myself Matt, all things considered. I don't think little girls are named Matt very often.

...I don't actually have to give a name, so whatever. "Me."

"...Oh." She just accepts this. "Are you here for an ice cream, too?"

"...What flavors are there?" I might as well.

Pausing, the girl looks over at the stand. I just remembered everything's in Japanese. "Well, let's see…" She even points for me, even if I can't tell where she's pointing exactly. "Blueberry~. Strawberry… Banana."

Ah, fruit flavors. How does this impoverished city state even have those. "...Strawberry." The girliest of flavors.

"Ah…" Giving me another glance, she stares at the stand for a moment. "...Wait here. I'll get it for you. It's free ice cream day today, for students…"

...I was about to ditch her with her freshly bought ice cream, but it really doesn't matter if it's free, does it.

While she fetches it, I take the moment to survey the other students…

Curiously, no one has books on them, at the moment.

 _Pop- fss~h…_ Someone pops open a soda _bottle_ nearby. I assume it's soda, because when do kids drink anything else. I say this, even though I was never big on soda.

...On closer examination, some of the teenagers around me have flasks on their waists, bottles, small bags, or the very occasional backpack-esque pouch. What are those?

A blue-haired boy shorter than me walks up, his joyful gaze meeting mine. "Hyawahaha?"

...I just blink at him.

"Do you, know my sister…?" He just questions me for no reason.

"Probably not." Back, vile thing, and etcetera.

"I know my sister…" Pleased with himself, he looks away, smiling. What.

Okay. No wonder the village is fucked. What do they put in the water.

...The person at the ice cream stand proper's just some woman. Long brown hair, tall- albeit, my perception of height is somewhat skewered now. Pink apron over casual clothing… clothing that's slightly more vibrant that the typical village affair.

That girl comes back with my strawberry ice cream. It's on a cone. "Here."

Yum. This may've not been a complete waste of time, at least.

...While I devour this confectionary, a villager steps by us, giving us a sideways stare.

 _Pop- pop- fss~h…_ More kids pop open those iconic soda bottles around me.

"Do you like it…?" Why is this girl talking to me.

No. "...Mrm." I'm _eating_ , if you couldn't tell.

...Oh, wait. I just realized, that guy staring at us is one of the guys from just up the road, at the gun house that I robbed blind. And he's staring at _me._

I'm curious as to why it's _just one_. Is he the only one who escaped the resulting religious wrath?

...He pauses as he passes us, giving us a nice long _stare._

I stare back. His focus is still on me in particular, although he seems somewhat fidgety.

...Taking this moment, he starts to approach us briskly.

To test him, I dart further into the crowd of children. Wade through my meat shields, if you dare.

As he nears, the children begin to focus on him entirely, looking away from their talks and activities.

Stopping before the children awkwardly, he furrowed his brows. "...Um. Hey."

"What's up, mister…?" The girl with glasses addresses him apprehensively, a hand to the green-filled flask on her side…

"...I'm, uh, here to see my… daughter." He looks up from her, at me.

…

"If she's not stepped out to meet you herself, then you're not needed here." The ice cream stand woman speaks up, telling him to fuck off.

"It's important. Just..." He starts to move closer to the kid group to get through them-

"Stay back…!" The glasses girl slides into the way. "Don't come any closer, mister…! I- I'm warning you!"

"Leave them alone!" Navigating around the stand, the ice cream woman gets feisty.

His face hardens. Bringing his arms together, he commits to charging through them to get to me-

 _Crack!_ The girl threw her flask at him, shielding herself with her arms.

 _Fwoo~sh_. A green cloud erupted from the glass flask, enveloping him. "Hrrm…!?" Grimacing, he snaps his gaze to me, before- "Ough- ngh…" He begins doubling back, grabbing at his own face-

 _Pop! Pop! Crack- crack!_ _Crack!_ Some of the kids uncorked their soda and tossed the bottles at him, which shattered on impact, showering the hard-faced man with soda of various shades.

"Here!" Drawing another flask, the brown-haired, bespectacled girl tossed it.

 _Crack!_ Purple, lucid liquid exploded over him as he turned to bolt away-

 _Thud_. "Ouh! Argh- nnh…" He begins to claw at the soil of the dirt road, while the soda on his limbs seemingly begins to solidify, sealing his movements. "N- no…!"

...Within a minute, after clawing the ground and shambling away, he's stuck about twenty feet from us. He's almost immobile now, aside from the still vigorous jerking and spasming to get himself moving more, to little avail.

...The ice cream stand woman exhaled. "Hah. I should have supposed. You kids sure know how this village operates, huh?"

Everyone just goes back to being as useless as they were before, holstering their various knickknacks onto their belts and sides. Some of them even stow small, curious armaments into their sleeve-esque backpacks…

"Is everyone alright…?" This older boy kid looks us all over idly, seeming reluctant to properly survey us.

"Yeah."

"Uh huh…"

"I guess."

Well, this has been eventful. I've just about finished my ice cream now. It was pretty good.

...Sadly, this cone is paper-esque. I would have consumed it too, but it's inedible.

Tossing the cone away, I leave my fellow stout citizenry and start to navigate towards the man. He's currently on his stomach- side almost, rather awkwardly-

A kid protests the cone I tossed. "Hey, you littered…" Who cares.

"Who the fuck cares?" Oh, hey, there _are_ foul-mouthed kids.

"Ah…" The glasses girl watches me go.

...Stepping up to the immobilized, lying man, I look up at Shikome's perch-

Oh, she's here, in front of me, right now. Standing next to me and the guy.

...After a moment, she looks down at him.

Glancing down at him myself, I speak. "I-"

Grabbing him by the arm, Shikome trots off towards Small Packages; which was literally right next to where the man collapsed in the road. Well, I suppose this works too.

/ / / / BEHIND SERENA / / / /

I'll find out what she did with the body later. If I spend too much time dicking around like a happy loli, the day will go to waste.

...Standing before the town hall of swiss cheese, I ready myself to wheel and deal. I've formulated big plans over the past few days- between getting molested and being bored.

Spotting the shattered side-hall entrance, I proceed through it and in…

Just like last time, this hallway is plain. Red carpet, beige walls… paintings of the most unremarkable things possible. Like _old people_ , and _plains._ Paintings of pots… with identical, actual pots placed beneath them. What the hell's the point.

On the stairs up to the second floor, I briefly slow down to admire this portrait of big burly armor, with high banners over it- within the portrait, that is. That's only vaguely more interesting. The armor almost looks like something from Final Fantasy. Thankfully, they're only holding a regular katana; none of that fantasy sword bullshit.

Swinging the council room door open, I step inside…

Wow. This place is empty today. The chief's here, though.

"Oh…?" Also, Okita, who was next to the chief. "...Huh."

Stepping into the room… I just proceed towards them, there's really nothing idle to do.

"Oh, hello there…" The old chief waves at me. "Why, um…"

...Silence. I suppose I'll make my case, then-

"You'll get mail a day or two before the meeting, with a date printed on it." Okita gives me a thumbs up. "...I've wandered here on an off day once or twice, too."

I don't think I gave them my mailing address, so I'll have to do that. Anyway- that wasn't what I came here for. "I've come here to discuss legislation."

"...Oh!" The chief seems to sit up at that. "...Okay! What about it, ah…?"

"...I was considering our financial status." I have no idea what it is, but I have considered the fact it exists. "It would be within our benefit to consider identification for citizens of the village."

Raising a brow, the chief leans back again. "...What do you mean, 'identification'...?"

"They register on our records, and we give them a card that proves that they exist." Essentially. "So we can better keep headcount."

...He tilts his head back and forth. "Ah. Alright. How much would this cost us, now…?"

"The IDs will be paper." I declare. "Probably nothing. _Additionally_ … we should make a case about charging youkai for their identification."

Okita snorts. "Oo~h. This'll be good…" He seems to be playing with a book in the background, flipping it around by its covers with his palms.

Furrowing his brows, the chief tilts his head. "...You know- you say that, however… how will we _determine_ more certainly, who is and isn't youkai? I seem to understand that our previous guard captain was not… _thorough_ in his investigations, which led to his dismissal."

...We hear some doors swing on the lower floor, and after the chief takes a glance, I do too.

Ah. Byakuren and… toyota girl. Whatever her name was. She's got a nice cape. Taoist leader girl with headphones, fluffy ears, a big cape, and a _sword._

"Oh, there they are." The chief smiles down at them. "They had some ideas, about that. Hey- come on up here!" He waves them up…

Floating up on the other side, the girls leisurely make their way over towards our little meet and greet…

"He~y." Okita waves at them. "It's Byakuyakuren. You fetch those smokes?"

"I _still_ have no idea what you're talking about." Byakuren doesn't bother to look at him to respond.

Toyota focused her stare on Okita. "...I know you're having fun getting _situated_ into your new role and everything, but it would be nice if you actually regulated the guard."

Waving her off, he leaned back. "Aah. I already threw out that _stupid_ shit Hagane did on day one. I'm just waiting for them to make their mistakes and get their skulls cracked open. Why beat 'em up myself when they practically volunteer themselves as yer target practice?"

...Done with him, Toyota focuses on me instead. Hello, fluffy ears.

"It's your responsibility." Byakuren chided the suited man. "They look up to you as a role model. It sends a poor message to leave them in a state of anarchy and discord."

...Grinning, Okita centered his gaze on her. "Ha~h. They don't look up to me for _shit._ Bein' a guard's a cushy job, and you get a sword just for showin' up. That's gonna change."

...Shaking her head, Byakuren focuses on Toyota no Miko, before looking at the chief.

"You wanted us to demonstrate our youkai identifying prototypes, yes?" Fluffy ears no Miko regarded him.

We don't really need any fucking high-tech machines. Shikome can probably just tell.

"...Something like that." He nodded. "What do you have?"

Miko held up a small controller. "...It may look mechanical, but this device is largely magical."

She points it around the room, scanning it over each of us, before directing it towards Byakuren-

 _Bee~p!_ It let out a really loud beep, the light in the midst of the controller lighting up.

Click. She flipped a slider on the side, turning it off. "...It's simple. Youkai harbor inner desires different from those of humans."

The chief nodded. "Right. The desire to kill…"

Okita leaned back. "The desire to fuck…?"

...Miko sighed. "Not really. You could think of it like that, I guess."

Byakuren looked vaguely off-put by everyone's collective stupidity, if the subtle shift of her smile and posture says anything.

That machine sounds useful, however. "How many do you have?" Inquiring lolis want to know.

...Staring at me for a moment, Miko complies. "Fifty, or so." Good enough.

"So it seems we _do_ have a way…" Stroking his beard, the chief nodded.

Byakuren begins to speak. "Additionally, we've developed our own models…"

Instead of a device, she raises a metal rod.

Letting out a snort, Okita grins widely. "Oo~h, harsh. Y'know, some people have a _fetish_ for that." I don't think that's fit for the ass _or_ the urethra. Not that anything _is_ fit for the urethra, but if there was an awkward in-between, this is it.

"It's not a sex toy." Byakuren denies our wildest fears. "It isn't dissimilar from a dowsing rod." You're not helping your case here, you realize.

...She points her 'dowsing rod' at Miko-

It glows with soft blue light. "...However, it acts more imprecisely compared to desire, something I haven't as much access to. It checks body composition and magical signatures."

She points the rod at herself-

It glows with a rainbow of colors.

She points it at the chief, and nothing happens.

...She points it at Okita. It blinks purple for a moment, before going out. "Hmm."

...Once she points it at me, it gains a purple tint- but nothing bright, just enough to color the metal. "Ah."

With her testing complete, she brings it to her side-

 _Fwish!_ On the way, it lights up an unholy purple. "...Hmm? Black light…?"

Stepping back, she tests this inconsistency by waving it around. Only occasionally, the rod flares with black light. "...I can't sense the source. Perhaps it is-"

 _Beep!_ Miko's youkai detector goes off in the background, despite being pointed at the floor.

...Byakuren gives her a smile. "Defective?"

Miko gives her a fixed grin back. "Hmm, yes, _perhaps._ You'd best double-check your work, Hijiri."

"Wise words, Toyosatomimi. Words we should all practice." Byakuren's expression is as fixed as it always is, as she stares into the soul of her rival.

That's nice.

...I focus on the chief. "Now that we can identify youkai, we may charge them for their cards. Any without cards will be removed from the village."

"Hold on." Miko spoke in protest. "...Are you _certain_ this is a viable political strategy?"

No, but it makes money.

"That isn't right." Byakuren opposes my stance. "Do you realize the financial state of the village? Unless it's a courtesy maintenance fee, I fail to see the purpose of impoverishing this village's peaceful inhabitants further."

"It keeps the bad youkai out." I justify. "The polite ones have money." Not that I need to justify myself. I'm the CFO; she's not.

"But…!" Her eyebrows raise. "...Genuinely? You know-"

"Yes. Genuinely." Take my ten inches of thick loli _sass._

...Miko speaks up next. "...While I do not _fully_ agree with Hijiri's stance, I would like to add that it is in _exceedingly_ bad tact to so immediately strongarm a portion of the village's populace, even if it doesn't belong."

I focus on her. "It's called the _human_ village. Note: _human_. Village."

"I understand this quite well…" She nods at me. "Even so, if you'd take a slower-"

"No." All the taxes. Let's see how far I can push the fold before there's a coup or something. Again. "... _However._ " It's time to execute the better part of politics.

...The women wait for me to respond. Okita's just lounging about behind me, flipping that book around again.

"We're only charging them _once,_ for the card." I inform them of my vast generosity. "They have a _month's_ time to pay the fee, too. We'll notify everyone."

...Calming down, the religious leaders seem more placated by that.

"Even so." Miko's gaze is less hard than it was, but still hard. "Reconsider the ferocity of this action. The last guard captain was removed for a reason; and you haven't even executive authority."

The old guard captain was just an incompetent loon. Here, we're forcing them out through natural means. It's not my fault if they can't pay.

"I can't believe this…" Byakuren shook her head. "Do you know what this will do?"

Yes. "I know. Of course, if they don't have the money, they could always come back with it. Perhaps they could get _aid_ from somewhere, even." I wiggle my loli-brows at the women.

...The women just give me a _stare._

In addition… "I am the Chief Financial Officer…" Behold the _smug loli._ "I should be able to help any poor soul with their finances."

"Let's go." Byakuren begins to leave, making for the door past us.

"...I see." Miko holds her stare on me, as she treads after her. "May you have their best interests in mind."

...After some moments, they're gone.

"Hoo~." Okita plopped his book down on the big super desk. "You sure got _balls_ , little girl."

"It's not a one-time payment." I shake my head. "We're taxing the shit out of them too."

"Hehaha~!" He gets a chuckle at that. "...Y'know, that's not bad. Hope you know what you're doing."

This is good.

...I look over at the chief, who's just looking kind of bored.

"I'm ready to proceed." Now for all the boring crap, like printing paper, and designing it or whatever the fuck.

/ / / / I'M FIGURING ON BIGGERING / / / /

I walk out the capitol front door with Okita. It seems we've got the production of the necessary materials in the works. I'm glad we time-skipped the twenty thousand hundred years it took to talk about paper and shit.

...By 'front door' I basically mean 'the big open space after the inner front door'. This place is wrecked.

"How much do you plan on chargi~ng…?" Okita speaks lazily, almost yawning as we exit the capitol. "That sorta makes a big difference…"

I thought we went over that inside. Maybe his ADHD got the better of him at that very moment. "We discussed it earlier. You know-"

"Oh! Right. Yeah." He blinks at the air. "Whole thing kind of becomes a blur after awhile. The capitol's freakin' _boring_."

...I look over at him. "Oh, right. There were these guys with guns who didn't want to give up money."

...Okita just stares at me. "...You might have to narrow that down."

"North main." I've become accustomed to what streets are what streets. "Near the end-"

"Right, those fuckers…" He grins. "Dunno why the hell you went an' talked to them, but whatever. If they're pissed about something, I'll sort 'em out. Bunch of washed up geezers. I've already charged 'em for..." Focusing on me again, he grins. "Really, why'd you visit them…?"

Guns. "I took their guns in your name, and then they got curbstomped by buddhists."

...He seems to brush it off. "What a buncha pussies. The hell'd ya do with the guns?"

"Sold them." Instantly. They're all gone.

We're nearing the exit of the hoighty toighty district, and entering the roads again. It's already pretty late in the day; the sun's just beginning to set.

"It'd figure." Waving off my actions, he reaches into his suit. "Ta random assholes, or didja get a deal?"

Why's he care, anyway. "...A guy in a big cloak." The biggest.

...Okita grins at me. "He stops around in town, now…? Wow. Either this place is fucked ten ways to Sunday, or you're just sayin' random shit."

Well, on that note… "To be honest, I didn't anticipate a guy in a big cloak actually existing when I made that excuse."

"Pfthehe~!" Grinning, he starts to take a deviating turn once we reach the square. "For a little shit, you're alright. Don't die now, y'hear? It'd be kinda retarded if you just crapped the bed and left me with all this hokey horseshit to clean up myself."

"I'll make an active attempt not to." Yeah, bye.

...Once he's gone, I continue on my way.

…

Ah. Small Packages is right over there.

I get the urge to glance-

Shikome is behind me, shadowing my movements perfectly. The instant I sight her, however, she gets in my face and we boop noses.

/ / / / AND BIGGERIN'S, TRIGGERIN', MO~RE BIGGERIN / / / /

Kotohime never fucking left.

"Hehehe~!" She's sitting next to Albus, who seems to have become pure alcohol and sunk into the counter.

"Mrrm." He doesn't even care that a big-breasted moe princess is practically leaning on him; he's that hammered.

...It's still the same evening, by the way. Shikome didn't rape my brains out, just disoriented me and left me with whiplash.

"Aw~, this is the best…" Kotohime's waving around an unopened bottle. "So this is the bar experience everyone's talking about!"

...Stepping up to Vanilla, I question the premise. "...How many bottles is she on?"

The vampire shook her head. "Just… one. She bought it to wave it around, 'cause some guys were doing that earlier…" She has completely and utterly missed the point of going to a bar. I didn't know this kind of person existed.

...Pat. Kotohime pats Albus on the back.

...Pat! After a moment, she slaps him harder.

…

 _Pap!_ She rams her arm into his back-

"Wha- whah the fuck…!" Sitting upright, Albus whips his head around. "Who- who's…?"

"Pft- hehehe~!" She's shifted back to appear as if she wasn't slapping him on the back.

...Looks like the guns are still under the counter, where I left them. I can't believe Kotohime's sat in the same fucking chair all day and just _talked_. You know what…

I turn to Vanilla. "Did she ever… go out, at all?" She couldn't have just sat here all day.

Vanilla nodded. "A few times, to, um, pee. She tried to order a water, but... only _you_ can make it, so she bought water somewhere else and came back…"

She bought water _somewhere else_ and _came back._ For _what_ reason…

...I look back at Kotohime. She's left her chair entirely, seemingly to try and get a running start to hit Albus.

... _Cla- clack- clack!_ She roars towards him with startling speed, her sandals clacking against the wood-

 _Wham!_ She slaps him in the back as she slides onto her stool-

" _Hoa~!_ "

Albus slides _onto_ the counter, and almost falls over onto our end. "Fuhuhuaa~...!"

" _Hahaha~!_ " Unable to contain herself, Kotohime breaks out into laughter. "Huhahaha~!" She's insane.

"Wha' _happen!?_ " Albus is simply bewildered.

"Oh- oh, my god…!" Leaning onto the counter, she can hardly contain her mirth. "Hehehe~...!"

"Whoo~!?" Pushing himself off the counter-

 _Thud- thunk, thunk!_ Albus took _multiple stools_ down with him, as he fell back, eating shit.

"Haha _haa~!_ " Kotohime's a maniac.

"Should we, um…" Vanilla holds her hands to her mouth…

I don't know. We must put a stop to this, maybe.

Time to make a suggestion. "Why don't you actually drink something?" Actually, this is a terrible idea. I can only imagine how she is drunk.

"Hehehe~..." Calming down, she looks me over. "...Aa~h. Isn't that only for, like, dating…?" Where the hell did you come from.

...She holds up an empty glass cup, not even one of ours. "Oh, I already drank, even! Wate~r…"

Excellent. That was _not_ my intention. "Alcohol. Do you ingest it."

She waves me off. "I don't like getting drunk in front of company~. Besides, I'm a police officer. I can't drink on working hours." _Why did you go to a bar._ Also- you spent all your working hours _at a bar_

If I hired a police officer, and they spent their entire day shift at a bar, and even managed to _not_ get drunk, I think I'd fire them twice as hard.

Thu- thu- thump! Suddenly, that twin-tailed trap romps down the plywood mess. Oh, I've just realized, our music box is here now. Aiko must have dropped it off.

While I move to investigate the music box, that other trap- _Isami_ , that was her name- makes haste towards Kotohime…

"I've got a present in my pa~nts…" Isami waves her skirt about, a noticeable _protrusion_ evident beneath the fabric.

"...You're wearing a _skirt_ , not pants." Noticing an inconsistency, Kotohime shakes her head.

"I want to mate with you." Isami comes onto her strongly.

"Oh!" She gives the trap a grand nod.. "Take a seat!" ...She looks to her side, realizing all the stools were still on the ground, as was Albus. "Whoops."

...Looking unsure, the trap moved to set one of the stools back up, before sitting next to Kotohime.

...Well, while they do _nothing in particular,_ let's see about this music box…

Or, rather, jukebox. I didn't know Gensokyo had these.

It's rather old-looking, but that goes for pretty much the entire human village. It doesn't seem to have a money slot; you just adjust it however. Not sure if commercialized.

...There's some dials, as well as buttons. Inside, the names of songs are written next to numbers, in _Japanese._ Just a simple, white sheet slipped into the dome of the jukebox.

I press the central button-

...Some kind of piano piece starts playing. This thing is louder than I anticipated.

"What…?" The trap seems startled by such a mystical device.

"Oh, wow!" Springing up, Kotohime marches over to the jukebox. "I _have_ one of these!" Not anymore. Actually, I don't know that.

It's not quite one of those express superdome jukeboxes, but it's got a glass top to it that can be looked in on. It's a compact box with a rounded top, and it's lit up. But, we couldn't have plugged it in. Does it just work on its own?

I press the skip button. The piano stops, and the machine takes a moment…

Something smooth sounding and electric plays. What is this. This isn't village music, surely, unless they have synthesizers here.

Skip. Let's see how many songs there are.

...After a moment, something jazzy snaps to life. This is perhaps more appropriate.

Then, I am surprised by the presence of lyrics. " _How lucky can one guy be? I kissed her, and she kissed me._ "

"Why's it in English…!?" Kotohime grins down at the jukebox. English, huh?

" _Like the fella once said, 'ain't that a kick in the hea~d'?"_ This song's fun. The atmosphere's rather apt-

Kotohime presses the 'skip' button. "What el~se…" Good.

...After a moment of quiet machine whining-

" _Hey everybody- did the news get arou~nd!? About a guy named Butcher Pete!?_ " Oh. " _Oh, Pete just flew into this to~wn, and he's choppin' up a~ll the women's meat!"_ Well.

...I slowly pan my gaze towards Kotohime while the song progresses. " _He's hackin', and wackin' and smackin'! He's hackin', and wackin' and smackin'! He's hackin', and wackin' and-_ "

Smiling brilliantly, she moves to press the skip button. "This is a rather _devilish_ little box, isn't it…?"

...The demon trap wanders over to us while the machine whines-

" _Die! Die! Die! Can you feel the edge!? Die! Die! Die!"_ Suddenly, the heaviest of metal. Perhaps so heavy that it wraps around. " _Can you feel the bullet, from a gun that de~fies!?"_

"Woahoho~!" Kotohime reels back from the _edge._ "Owo, what's this…!?" Did she just-

" _Die! Die! Die! I will have my revenge- die! Die! Die! Can you dodge my shadow from afar, or lay hand to the king of darkness!? And slide right down to Hell-_ "

I slam the skip button. That's enough of that, thank you.

...The machine whines again-

Ah. Oh, hey. It's the most stereotypical romance music ever. With the sax and the drums.

...I check over my shoulder to make sure Shikome isn't there.

" _O~h, woaho~h…"_ Nice lyric.

"Jazzy stuff…" Kotohime nods along-

Isami grabs onto her hand. "Pretty sexy, isn't-"

" _I feel, so unsu~re…_ " The singer feels unsure. " _As I take your hand, and lead you to, the, dance, floor…_ "

" _As the music dies-_ "

Kotohime presses the skip button again, using Isami's hand to do it. "Whoops. My pinkie slipped…!"

"You fuckin'..." Isami looks jaded.

...Once another quiet moment passes, the music is back. This song started with a bunch of cowbell noises…

...Ah. Funk music.

Once it gets into it, Kotohime begins stepping about gingerly. "Ooo~..."

"Catchy…" Isami tilts her head, brows furrowed.

" _I said a hip, hop. Hippie to the hippie- the hip, hip a hop, and you don't stop- a rockin' to the bang bang boogie, say up jump the boogie- to the rhythm of the boogity beat."_ Say what.

Kotohime begins clapping along to the claps. "Woa~h…!"

...I look at the bar's other patrons, along the unremarkable tables in the front. No one seems berserked by the meme music, fortunately.

" _Now what you hear is not a test, I'm rappin' to the beat! And me, the groove, and my friends are gonna try to move your feet!"_

...Isami slides her arm around Kotohime's back. "Hey, hey. Let's dance-"

 _Click- click!_

...Isami slid a handcuff onto Kotohime's left hand. Kotohime flipped a handcuff onto Isami's right hand.

Glancing over at the other handcuff, Kotohime beams. "Wo~w! I thought only I knew what these things were!"

"The hell…!" Isami tugs her hand back, causing the two to rotate away in an almost dancy manner.

" _Y'see- I am Wonder Mike, and I'd like to say 'hello'! To the black, to the white, the red, and the brown, the purple and yellow!"_ Music stuffs.

...After a moment-

 _Thunk._ "Woah!" Kotohime tips a stool over as she 'dances' with Isami towards the counter.

" _But first- I gotta bang bang boogie, say up jump the boogie, to the bang bang boogie-"_

I skip the song. Too high energy.

 _Thu- thud!_ The girls fall over in the background. "He~y!" Kotohime calls out at me, from the floor.

...Isami's buried herself between Kotohime's breasts. "Mrrm…" That was probably totally intentional.

...Once the machine's done whining, it plays a bunch of claps. Not entirely enthusiastic claps.

Shortly, speaking occurs, a sort of stereotypical male voice from the old film ages 'speaking'. " _Is Dexter ill- Is Dexter ill- Is Dexter ill-"_

" _Is Dexter ill today-"_

Female voice. " _Oh-_ _Mister Kirk, Dexter's in school!"_

" _I'm afraid he's not, Miss Fishborne._ " _Who_.

Thud. Kotohime rolled Isami off of her. "The~re you are…"

"Ehehe~..." Isami seems to have a rabbit in her skirt again, as she lies on her side. "Ooo~."

The male voice speaks again. Is there a radio drama mixed in here or something? " _Dexter's truancy problem is way out of hand. The Baltimore County school board have decided to expel Dexter from the entire public school system._ "

The mother is understandably upset by this. " _Oh mister Kirk, I'm as upset as you are to learn of Dexter's truancy- but surely, expulsion is not the answer!"_

However, he has a different opinion. " _I'm afraid expulsion is the only answer._ "

...Kotohime's forced to drag Isami along by her handcuffed hand as she stands-

 _Cla- clank_. Oh, she got the handle end free from her, Isami's hand having slipped from it. Taking a moment, she twisted her arm intricately, rotating her wrist around-

 _Clack_. The handcuff latched to Kotohime's hand slid off. "Haha~. See, playing with handcuffs everyday _does_ have its merits!"

" _It's the opinion of the entire staff that Dexter is criminally insane- sane- sane- sane._ "

With that, the music kicks in. So it actually _is_ a song. It's filled with curious sounds, the brief noise of horses in the background, and some kind of unholy choir humming.

Stepping up to me, Kotohime twirls the handcuffs she nicked from the demon trap around on her finger. "Thought she could pull a citizen's arrest on _me._ Y'know what they say, 'who arrests first is right'. She oughta get more familiar with her tools."

Is that so.

" _That boy needs therapy."_ It has lyrics, too, it seems. " _Psychosomatic- that boy needs therapy. Purely psychosomatic- that boy needs therapy._ "

Well. This music's pretty interesting.

" _Lie down on the couch!_ " The male voice demands of someone.

" _What does that mean?_ " This other voice shall herein be called 'male two'. Be honored, be awed, be amazed.

" _You're a nut! You're crazy in the coconut!"_ ...I see.

" _What does that mean?_ " Male two is clinically retarded, then.

" _That boy needs therapy._ " Oh. So that's what it all comes back to.

 _Click!_ Kotohime's somehow handcuffed both her hands together. "A- ah… um? Ah, darn it…"

/ / / / I'M THE KEEPER OF THE PAYLOAD ATTACK TONIGHT / / / /

We found something neutral and non-distracting to play on the jukebox, after awhile. Some sort of tired, jazzy background ambience.

Back at the main counter, I polish it with a rag. This is marginally more difficult than it used to be, when I was a full-sized person, and not a fun-sized one.

Kotohime finally seems tuckered out, leaning onto the counter. "Haa~h…"

It's pretty late, I suppose. It's dark outside now, and the temperature is quite lower than it normally is. Since this first floor is pretty open, and this village's architecture is quite… _economic,_ I can see my breath.

Albus has been long gone, having been escorted out by Fred when he found him still on the floor.

We do have some curious faces this evening, however.

...A mature woman with long black hair, in a mint green kimono stares into my soul, sitting to the far left. Her face is long, locked in a tired frown. There's a bruise on her left cheek, and her kimono's sort of singed. She reminds me of one of Brad's stupid friends, except she's only similar. Probably because she's also a yuki-onna.

Between the maniac and the ice queen are two blonde girls in particularly autumn-reminiscent dresses.

...Seems to be a largely female front lot tonight. By which I mean, all female. The main tables out on the floor are empty, because it's _cold_ and also really late, not just _late_.

"Autumn's almost over…" The one with a red table cloth on her head is solemn.

"You've been saying that for an hour, now…" Hugging herself, Kotohime grins at the autumn girl. "You haven't even sipped your little ale…"

We don't have mugs, so we put ale in a cup. I'm not sure if it's ale, either. Alcoholic cupped beverage.

...She looks over at Kotohime. "Autumn's almost over."

"Ale?" Kotohime shifted the girl's 'ale' about. Some of it spills off the cup and onto her hand, and she actually pauses to lick it off, making it the first drink she's had this evening.

"Autu~mn…" She frowns at the woman…

"A~le." Kotohime insists on shifting it about further, some more of the drink splashing out from her violence.

...The girl simply slowly _turns_ towards Kotohime, before sighing.

" _You're_ almost over." Giving up and leaning onto the counter, Kotohime relents. "What's so good about autumn, anyway?"

"They're the _harvest gods_ , human." The woman on the far left of the counter spoke, looming over her small cup of distilled sake. She actually specifically requested it half mixed with water, and only a _single_ cup. I usually just have people buy the entire bottle, but she _insisted_ on a single cup. "Soon, their time will be up, and they'll have to make due for the next year to come. They have a habit of fretting when their golden months are numbered."

"I _kno~w._ " Kotohime gets into the shorter god's face. "But, a~le."

...After a silent moment, Kotohime simply slides the goddess's hat off, and wears it herself, adopting a small, smug expression.

"And why're _you_ here…?" The leftmost, initially hatless goddess regarded the icy woman. Icy as in, she has a resting bitch face, and very particular movements. "To rub it in?"

"...No. Looking around." The woman declared. "Surveying. As hard as it is to admit… recouping energy myself. I've failed grievously today."

...She stares over our counter, at Vanilla.

"Brr~..." Vanilla's wrapped herself in her cloak to keep warm, rather than to keep decent.

...Everyone is cold and sad. I might have to see about heating, if only because it would make everyone want to visit here in the winter.

No wood burning stoves, however. If I'm half concerned I'd burn down the place with one, I'm one hundred percent certain one of these other chucklefucks will.

...After a moment, a woman romps in in the dead of night. Ah, she's that crazy curvy woman, with black clothing and navy hair from the other day. Crazy and then curvy, not crazily curvy or any variant of. "Ah… ah…"

Panting, she takes a moment to slow down, after dashing inside.

...Drifting through the door behind her was that blue-haired companion of hers. 'Kaku', that's the moniker I know her by.

"Where is…" The curvy crazy chick locks her gaze on Vanilla, then me. "Him?"

...I put my hand on my head. "About yay big?" Yay big.

"Ye- yes." She nods greedily. "Where is he?"

We sold him to buddhist gangsters. I'm not sure if I should just admit that, however. Probably not. "...He doesn't work here, anymore."

...Her face falls. "Wha- wha?"

"Oh, dear." Kaku leisurely floats up to us… "All that exercise for naught."

"...We do have a selection of others, now." I advertise our service.

"...That's… okay." She doesn't seem to like it. After that, she becomes quiet, awkwardly looking around.

...Drifting past the moping goddesses, Kaku seems to light up upon seeing me. "...Oh, _my._ You've had an _adventure_ since I was gone. Did you do your _hair_ different?"

It seems like she may be able to tell it's me. Not sure how to feel about that. "...Yeah. I got a new _hair clip_. How does it look."

Kaku's grin becomes smug. "Oo~h, tsk tsk. It's a _hair pin_ , barkeep-chan. Clips clip, pins pin." ...Good.

"...It is a clip, though." I feel at the clip in my hair. Small and flat. If I remember correctly, it was cyan.

Drifting further, she leans over the counter, examining my dark, straight hair. "...Oh, well what do you know. It's one of the _tiny clips._ I thought you meant the scrunchy kind, hrrm. My apologies, you're more _feminine_ than I'd anticipated."

Achievement unlocked. "That's great."

...She takes a moment to look our relatively dead company over-

"Hey, hey, Seiga~!" Kotohime waves grandiosly at her, despite being next to her almost.

Seiga? Sega arcade. Not sure if that's her first or last name, so Kaku will still do for now.

Kaku simply scoffs at her. "Ah, _you._ _No_."

"Aww~!" Springing out of her chair, Kotohime beams at her. "I thought you were imaginary, but now you're not! Oo~h, maybe _I_ made you real…!"

Kaku phases midway into the counter. Since I can see under it, I can see her legs just kind of _there_. "Who gave you the keys to your own house."

...I forgot she could do that.

"I decided to go to a bar, because I kept getting pestered about it." The maniac in a dress exclaimed. "Turns out, it's really fun!"

"I'm sure your kimono's full of so many crumbs, you could get marooned and still eat lunch for a month." The woman mocks her.

...Looking away, Kotohime… takes _bread_ out of her kimono. "We~ll. That's not actually a bad _idea~_!"

After resting the bread on the counter, she takes out two jars: one of peanut butter, and one of jelly, also setting them on the counter. "I couldn't bring plates, but my lap normally works!" She grins widely over at Kaku…

...Said woman simply looks _extremely jaded_. "...O- oh."

"Hold on…" Furrowing her brows, the princess digs further into her kimono. "Ah, darn- really~..."

Fitting her _entire arm_ into herself with no change in fabric to hint that she's actually digging through anything, she seems to rummage about. Where'd her arm _go_.

...She pulls out an entire cereal box, and sets it on the counter. "Here we go!"

"This is more than I bargained for." Kaku simply let her eyebrows raise. "You _geniunely_ carry an entire feast on you."

"A~nd…!" From within her clothes, she draws a single slice of some kind of meat, and places it onto the bread. "Turkey slice!"

Sinking down, Kaku seems to let all but her head submerge into the counter. "My. I should have known better than to press, I suppose…" Her voice is projected through the counter. How do wall physics work...

Floating through the wood, she gets closer. "For what occasion did you prepare all of this? _Actual_ maroonment? And… turkey with peanut butter, jam and _cereal_."

"Yeah- pretty much!" She nods happily at the woman who phases into the counter next to her meal, completely indifferent to how bizarre that looks.

...Then, after a moment, Kotohime gives her a smug, wry grin. "You should try this wonderful lunch. It's more than a delicious, tasty crunch."

...Kaku simply slowly swivels around to me, looking finished with that interaction.

…

"So…" Floating so only her waist was consumed by the counter, she brought her arms behind her back. Then, she turned to Vanilla. "Those mind-controlled servants of yours." Oh, she can tell.

...On a delay, Vanilla squeaked. "Wh- heah…!?"

"They're going to die." Kaku announced plainly. "They have two days at best, even fed and watered." Rest in rest.

"Wha- ah…" Blinking, Vanilla slowly takes in the reality of this statement. "...N- no."

...She raises a brow at the little vampire. "...Well, yes."

Vanilla shook her head, adopting a small frown. "I- I won't let them die… what do I have to do?"

"Release them." Kaku gave a simple answer. "Or diagnose their ills, and treat them, all of which is likely more trouble than it's worth, for such simple hypnotic command. And, even if cured of the disease their lifestyle has wrought, this unrefined practice has likely unraveled _some_ part of their mental being. If your intent was to break them, however, you've done a fine job."

"...O- oh, no…" Vanilla holds her hands to her mouth. "Wha- what do you mean… unraveling?"

Floating out of the counter and taking a seat on it, Kaku brought a hand to her chin and considered the vampire's intent. "...Hmm. For one thing, they've been out of society for about a week or two. The time they've spent standing still and denied stimulation will likely demolish their capacity for decision-making and memory. Which, you know, may very well be temporary, but who knows how far removed they may be from society, by then?"

...Vanilla sniffs, unsure how to continue.

Therefore, Kaku follows up. "By the way, they've been pissing and shitting themselves, because you haven't been taking them out to do those things."

Don't try and tell me people defecate offscreen in this work. It's a lie and you know it.

Speaking down to to the tiny vampire, she seems to be quite calm about how she puts this. "I say they will die in two days because they will freeze to death, plain and simple. Avoiding that, you will need to start treating them for dietary problems, their lacking ability to receive hypnosis as their mental state unwinds, and, in an extreme case, changing their organs or tissues if bacteria starts to fester."

"Wha- how…?" Vanilla is more confused than depressed at this point. "Yo- you can't just do that, I think. How would you…?"

...Kaku seems to realize she's speaking to a child. Even so, she continues confusing her. "You know, no one knows one's body better than themself or their necromancer, and if they're not _dead_ or unaware of themselves, then what's going on _under_ the skin is anyone's guess."

...She looked away. "Assuming they don't die from germs either, which is just as real as organ failure when they're so numb. Hmmhmm."

Despite all of this, Kotohime is enjoying her turkey and PB&J sandwich.

That yuki-onna is actually half-finished with her glass of distilled sake. She hasn't anything to add, however she does look like she's about to pass out into the sake now.

The harvest gods look mildly perturbed, but still depleted.

"So…" Giving a slight frown, Vanilla starts to round the counter... "What… do I do?"

The vampire's enthusiasm- be it from lack of understanding- invigorates Kaku. Smirking, she gazes off into space for a moment, before focusing on her again. "I'd just _said_ , you may release them."

...At that, Vanilla looks uncertain. "But… won't they… get hurt anyway?"

"Yes." Kaku replied bluntly. "...In the best case scenario, someone will care for them. Worst case scenario, they'll wander off and die in some alley, or on the road."

...Fidgeting her gaze around unevenly, Vanilla sighed. "I- I can't believe I-... I didn't want to-"

Smiling upon her, Kaku drifts out of the counter and sits on it, which is a kind of weird transition. "Of course, there is a _third_ option."

Blinking, Vanilla rubs her eyes a little. "...Really?"

"Indee~d." Tilting herself, Kaku's smile becomes warmer. "However… you will have to revoke that 'no killing' stance."

These words make the little vampire double take-

"But, do not fret!" Shaking her finger, Kaku brings it to her lips. "They will be fine. Overjoyed, even. This release will give them profound pleasure, and escape from our worldly toils. There is no greater service, and in most cases it should remain a reservation, not a… _throwaway process_ , or seen as something non-committal. However… I believe in this instance, their time has come."

...Vanilla furrowed her brows. "So- so it will help them…?"

The probable necromancer's eyes glaze over. "Yes, it will undo what makes them sad, and etcetera. It's almost magical. Well, it _is_ magical."

...Drifting off the counter, Kaku lands on her black shoes, and begins stepping off. "Follow me, young one. Tonight, we are going to operate. There is no better time than the present, and tonight is just right."

That navy-haired woman got up from one of the tables in the background. "Ka- Master Kaku-"

"Come with me." The woman requested her sidekick. "You are to help us. You will get much needed bodily experience, which I know you are direly lacking."

...Perhaps I should oversee this.

As they head out the front door, I move to follow.

"Hu~h." Kotohime finishes off her sandwich… "Mmm. Here I thought she only did that kinda thing with me."

"...Disgusting." The ice queen says this, but hasn't changed her facial expression once.

Snorting, Kotohime turns to her bluntly. "Hey. Don't knock it 'till ya try it, ice babe."

...The yuki-onna just slowly pans her glower to her. "Not _you._ Although, you too are disgusting."

/ / / / AMATEUR SURGEON / / / /

We took the guards behind Small Packages. Here, Kaku found some plywood, and stacked them together to make two operating tables.

Eyes wide, hands over her mouth and seemingly stuck there, Vanilla resists crying and fails miserably.

"Everything seems to be okay enough in this one, with a little _sterilization._ " Kaku herself was mysteriously clean, although the implements she had used were dyed red. "Since it's only been a week of rough handling, only bacterial infections are present. Since the brain has shut down, this should be a non-issue."

 _Flap._ She flipped the guard's torso flesh back into place with her hand, before taking a needle from the air nearby her. "...Ah."

She looks over at her assistant lady. "Would you care to test your sewing capabilities? This man's flesh is thick, so it should be an easy amateur practice."

"...Su- sure." The woman seems quite skeptical, but experimentive. She seems to have tied her long navy hair into a huge ponytail for the occasion, with a big skull-styled hair clip.

...While the woman goes to sealing up that guard, Kaku turns back to us.

"...I'm pretty sure you killed him." I point to the guard she cut open.

"Yes." She nodded, smiling at us. "The recently deceased are the best fit for this treatment. Always know when those around you are going to die. It will do you well in life." Under what circumstances, even.

Drifting from us, she gestures her arm to him as she circles the two operating boards. "With some proper care, a recently deceased body makes for an amazing companion and assistant. Why, it even retains some of the regenerative capabilities as it did while living, for a short period. The magic involved is largely soul-based, but when they've only so recently died, it isn't difficult for the magic to make… the majority of the body believe it is once again functional."

Turning away from the subjects, she stops again before us. "Of course, this all breaks down eventually. It's as close to revival as you can get without faith."

This all seems too generous. "Why are you teaching us?" You'd think it would not be in her best interest to literally hold college seminars on necromancy.

She gives me a smirk. "I've grown bored, I guess. And, well, _you're_ simply here to chapparone this young vampire. Knowledge of the necromantic arts will do her well. You? Unlikely. But it won't hurt..."

...She lets out a breath. "Fuu~. I seem to be losing my breath, with how much I've spoken just now. How rare…"

Pausing, she digs into her dress, and-... huh. She seems to have drawn one of those very retro smoking stick things. It's a rather fancily styled cigarette holder, made in the same style as her hair stick.

 _Fwip._ She lights a fire on her thumb to ignite the pre-prepared cigarette, before putting it out by simply waving it about.

"You run out of breath, so you start smoking." I criticize her logic.

...Turning to me, she gives me a smirk and a shrug, before returning to surveying her intern's progress.

...Yes, Vanilla is still horrified. "Mi- miss…"

"Hmm?" This earns her a glance from Kaku.

Vanilla rubs her eyes, shedding tears. "Wh- why did you do this, to them…?"

...She smiles, briefly holding her cigarette stick away from her face. "This is a kinder fate than you could have given them. I'm doing you a _favor_ , that's all. Think nothing of it, little vampire. You will see."

It's quite an evening. Even if it is cold as shit out here. There's nice stars in the sky.

…

 _fwoo_. Kaku blows out a gentle waft of smoke from her mouth. "...Besides. I'd think it remiss if a creature of the undead such as yourself didn't know at least the basics of necromancy."

I just noticed, but that navy-haired girl is wearing black gloves for the occasion. Kaku's phasing powers probably prevent herself from getting bloody.

Finished sewing up the corpse, the intern looks up at her boss. "Master Kaku…"

 _fwoo_. Letting out another puff of smoke, Kaku transitioned from reclining in the air to looking over the body. "Very good, girl. Now…"

She slips a black talisman from a band tied around her thigh. "Here we are. _This_ is what does the magic."

Slapping the talisman down perfectly flat on the counter, she took a brush from her other thigh, ink seemingly flowing down onto it from nowhere. "Using one's own spiritual energy, it binds the soul to the body, and powers it through interfaith and their own mana saturation."

She begins writing _moon runes_ onto the talisman. "It's as easy as writing instructions… once you know how to produce the paper, of course. Faith and soul manipulating are very inflexible, only bending with _just_ the right pokes. However, they are lenient _ju~st_ enough, that… one may do some _interesting_ things with them."

...After brush strokes both thick and precise, she blows onto it, some of the cigar smoke coming with. " _Fwoo._ "

 _Fwish._ The ink glows for a moment, before calming down.

...She smiles at us, her cigar floating into the air so she can keep both hands on the talisman. "Blowing on it isn't _normally_ recommended, as you'd get the ink everywhere. I simply cast a spell to finalize and dry it faster."

 _Fwap_. She slaps the ofuda onto the dead man's face. "It has three simple instructions. Stand perfectly still at the left of the front door to Small Packages during the day, and remain in tight proximity at evening. Tell people to 'go on in' if they speak to it. Finally, it will rush to defend the little vampire in a moment of mortal need."

…

So. "When does the 'come back to life' part start-"

" _Nngh…_ "

The guard sits up, his short hair unkempt after everything, and a line down his chest where he was crudely sewn up. You'd think such a flap would be loose and bloody, yet it was tight, due to the cauterizing and stitching practice exercised.

"Right now." Kaku smiles at us, then at him.

 _Fwish._ A green circle generates before her palm as she holds it up. " _Clothes._ "

Stiffly, he begins moving his limbs, throwing himself off the table and engaging himself to put on his shirt and armor again.

...She looks over at us. "Normally, you'd need to clothe them. This command magic of mine wouldn't work again, even if you all knew it. Rigor mortis." Ah.

I should probably add that their pants were changed in advance. Kaku probably cleaned the disasters with a few simple spells. She didn't dig around in their lower body or legs any.

"...Wow." Vanilla stares at the mobile man again. "...But, he's… still dead."

Kaku snorts. "So you _are_ absorbing this. However, can you sense his _soul?_ "

...At the question, Vanilla just looks displaced. Kaku senses this. "Perhaps not yet. You are still very young, indeed. Keep this in mind. I know you will."

…

"Um…" The curvy navy-haired woman pokes her fingers together. "Master Kaku… should we get started on-"

"In due time, in due time." Kaku waves her off. "The night is still young, and the air is nice. You've got a sweater on."

"...Well, yeah." She looks down at her sweater in response.

…

/ / / / THE VERY NEXT NANOSECOND / / / /

We stand at the front of the bar. Kaku had finished the next procedure in relative silence compared to the yammering she did to us beforehand.

The results were these two slap-shod undead, with obvious seals on their faces.

"You kno~w…" Also, they weren't really specified to be quiet, so they're just kind of… talking. "My family left me~... when I was thirtee~n…"

"Who're yo~u…?" This is the tenth time they've had this exchange.

"...Oh. He~y. My na~me's… _Tetsui._ " The leftmost one reintroduces himself.

"O~h. Hey, ma~n…" The rightmost one leans to the side… "Ryu~ Aonuma~... tha- that's what they call me..."

...I turn to Kaku, who is giving us a wide smile. "...I'd recommend you pick them up some face-covering helmets, perhaps. Certain individuals won't take kindly to jiangshi ofuda, surely."

"So…" With all of this said, she presses her hands together. "Did everyone learn a lot?"

"Yes, Master Kaku." The navy-haired girl almost bowed, before settling for a nod- and then, upon reconsideration, actually bowing.

"I guess…" Vanilla had her head tilted. "...Tha- thank you, I think."

"My, my…" Kaku's smile deepend at the praise. "I'll likely come back around when your corpses need cheer. Or, in layman's terms, fixing. While they wont rot quite as fast with the simple preparations I've made, they _will_ rot."

"Um… okay." Vanilla waved at her as she floated off into the evening. "Bye…"

...Abruptly, Kaku's form swept itself into an adjacent alley-

 _fwish._ Her disciple of sorts vanished into black, which seeped into the floor for only a moment, and then was gone.

Very quickly, we head back inside, because it is _cold_ , and late.

"Huaa~..." Vanilla immediately yawns. "Le- let's… just go to bed, now. I don't think anyone else is coming…"

Mmm.

...While she returns upstairs, I set the 'closed' sign up, and place buckets over the now-jiangshi's heads. Still weird? Yes. Will it attract heroine attention? Maybe not.

With everything said and done, I near the plywood ramp, and pan my gaze around. We still need a carpenter.

...Even so, today was full.

I turn around-

Oh. I'm pulled up to the other floor by tendrils. I'm being abducted. Help.

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

END OF CHAPTER 79.5

PROTAGONIST: Matthew, the Debatably Sane Outsider, Lord of Edges, Scissor-Slinging Slasher, Insurance Fraud Expert, Used Goods Reseller, Evil Spirit Cultivator, Shrine Maiden Evader, Professional Youkai Developer, Legitimate Business Man

=o=

SKILLS:

Gravity - Basic space magic. Slowly expands a dark, spherical field from above the target, which weighs them down when fully initialized. Only works on the feeble at the moment.

Saw Blade - Advanced non-elemental attack. Summons a saw blade to fall from directly above the caster, which whirls forth into infinity before dying. Very effective slicing on those not resistant to it.

=o=

PRIMARY WEAPON: Dash Scissors - Succubus training tool. Doubles as scissors for kinky, cloth-cutting occasions. Or stabbing. Sleek, black design.

SKILLS:

Succubatic Slide Dodge - Slide artificially in a horizontal direction of the wielder's choosing. Spammable, but makes the wielder tired with excessive use.

=o=

OFFHAND ITEMS: [A Single Rubber Glove] - For those moments one needs to touch a live power wire with one hand and fap with the other. Protects hand from zaps.

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - Takes up no inventory space, because it is the inventory space. Has nine slots, and is easily accessible.

Steel Scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Quick Scissorang - Non-elemental scissors that are enchanted to return to the owner with ferocity. Not that powerful of a weapon, but combined with strong string it can be used like a powerful grappling hook. Looks like it belongs in a Barbie catalog.

Shadow Hell Scissors - Red scissors accented with elemental gems. Fire elemental weapon. Ignites with every swing. Boosts power of fire spells.

SKILLS:

Fire Aura - Confers forty percent fire resistance when equipped.

Fire - Small, homing fireball of doom. May ignite foes. Doesn't do much damage.

Fira - Sizable fireball with less effective homing and speed, but greater ignite chance and initial fire damage.

Dark Fire - Basic dark and fire combo spell. Very slow, tight homing black fireball. Does both dark and fire damage. May ignite foes.

Dark Fira - Moderate dark and fire combo spell. Even slower black fireball, with even weirder homing. May ignite foes. May reduce target's magic defense.

Hellfire - Low-tier vampiric fire spell; less effective when used by me. Vertical wall of three fireballs, with no homing. May ignite foes.

=o=

Blessed Steel Scissors - Stained lightly with dried blood from a young human female. Sharp, shiny-ish, and to the point! Also blessed...

Steel-alloy String - An experimental item provided by Alice as part of her testing. She uses these herself to manage her dolls, or so I'm told.

A Tuft of Cloth Strings - Pink, regular cotton string. It's soft, and clean.

Danger Scissors Plus - Let's get dangerous. Randomly spawns anything from anywhere at any time at all, dependent on the power of the party or people around it while it is equipped.

(one more space remaining)

[Backpack] - Allows extended inventory, of twenty slots. Can hold larger items, but it takes longer to pull them out. Items inside are safer. It's also baby barf green.

Hedge Cutters - Rusty lawn pruning tool used by farmers to keep the vile hedges at bay. They're also sharp, so they've probably been used more than once in self-defense.

Teal Stone - Cool and refreshing to hold, exuding power of the wind. It's sort of shiny, too. Perhaps usable as a reagent.

Hackjob Rifle - A pseudo-railgun, made from an AK-47 barrel and a mangled toy gun. Laced with duct tape and wires to function, powered by electrical scissors, and uses small iron pellets as ammunition. Explodes violently if fed anything non-iron as ammo. Outside is coated with vegetable oil and must be wetted regularly to avoid violence upon powering up. Quite powerful.

Water Scissors - Scissors that continuously produce water. How troublesome. 

Goldfish Snack Crackers - They're smiling. They might make a good snack...

Modern-ish Surge Protector - Protects against surges. Not very useful without unified electrical practices in housing. Can still be used as a paperweight and a brick, though.

[Rubber Pouch] - Stores electrical objects safely. Too small to add extra inventory, but doesn't take up any space when it's filled. Currently holding electric scissors.

Electrical Scissors - Must be held by gloves at all times, lest they cause electrical fires. Can cause severe shocking and electricity-induced stunning in individuals susceptible, including myself if I'm stupid. Unable to be turned off.

Holy Pot - A torso-sized holy pot used as a vehicle by flufflekind. Has holy properties and resistances for obvious reasons.

Financial Officer's Card - A card handed to me by the chief financial officer of the human village. Bears a complex triangular insignia and shines depending on the angle you hold it. Has some Japanese printed on it.

(eleven more spaces remaining)

==o==

PARTY:

Shikome, the Black Scion of the Saigyou

WEAPON: Dark Tendrils - Able to create tendrils from any part of her body, she can use them for powerful dark/physical attacks.

SKILLS:

You know, I really don't know. Tendrils, thrusting attacks.

INVENTORY:

[Defiled Kimono] - Coated in the coagulated blood of numerous unlucky people. Grants pockets.

(two inventory spaces remaining)

==o==

Rumia, Youkai of the Dusk

WEAPON: Unarmed.

SKILLS:

Spell Cards - Rumia has a variety of spell cards, like most named touhous.

Dark Biosphere: Sealed - Coats the user in a dark orb, blinding them. Works best when it's already dark out.

Darkness Affinity - Rumia is naturally one hundred percent darkness and cursing resistant. In turn, she's fifty percent weak to holy and weakening.

INVENTORY:

[Rumia's Outfit] - Some kind of outfit. I'm not sure how Rumia maintains it. Properties unknown. Grants pockets.

Red Ribbon - It's a ribbon in her hair. It's small, too. Takes up no inventory space. Properties unknown.

(two inventory spaces remaining)

==o==

Vanilla, the Loli Vampire

WEAPON: Unarmed.

SKILLS:

Hypnosis - She can hypnotise people, apparently.

INVENTORY:

[Cloak] - A dull black cloak. No inventory space, but takes up none when worn.

(no inventory space)

==o==

Isami, the Twin-Tailed Demon Trap

WEAPON: Unarmed?

INVENTORY:

School Girl Clothing - Fetish outfit, probably.

Things - Good question.

(one space remaining)

==o==

Thalli, the Long-Haired Demon Trap

WEAPON: Unarmed?

INVENTORY:

Pink and White Dress - It's a rather feminine dress.

Things - I don't know.

(two spaces remaining)

==o==

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

matt chapter

it was pretty fun - w -

 _OH BOY YO ECONOMIC POLITICS_ , will the religious leaders be successful in being religious or will their religious religiousness be ignored

also we played some music

songs in order:

Unidentified Lyricless Song One - _me_

Unidentified Lyricless Song Two - _also me_

Ain't That A Kick In The Head - Dean Martin

Butcher Pete - Roy Brown

"Die! Die! Die!" Reaper Song - DAGames

Careless Whisper - George Michael

Rapper's Delight - The Sugarhill Gang

Frontier Psychiatrist - The Avalanches

Unidentified Lyricless Song Three - a fluff stuff

george michael sounds like a name i'd make up and everyone'd go "oh how punny that's a super generic name" but that's a _real person dude_

also seiga jiangshi-ifying the guardfolk, _completely of her own good will_ dude

oh yeah the matt ahegao scene- i was originally going to skip that because matt's not known to be terribly expressive in his thoughts, but y'know this was a good place for him to be both uncharacteristically panicked and also euphorized outta his mind

it's iffy moments like those you should really go "ALRIGHT MAN IT'S TIME TO GO ALL IN DUDE" and then you can study the aftermath and whether or not it was actually fine or incredibly cringe- y'see that's what it means to take creative chances, yo

i've never tried kotohime's sandwich so someone please tell me if it's more than a delicious, tasty crunch

as always, see you all next time!

CO-AUTHOR'S NOTE:

making this note like a year later, but i gotta say

hey, that's pretty good.

it's a start of something wonderful, that's for sure, even if it is a little bit at a time. i'm just unsure about one thing and that's if the rape/molestation was overdone or not. we're kinda doubling down on a few themes here, so a thing or two may seem a bit… _overbearing_.

expect more organized chaos in the future, ya

bye. see you later. don't go into a back alley and get molested.


	102. Beam Me Up, Seikatsu! I Need Food!

(in which we have some buttermilk crispy tendies)

The clinic always has this sort of late night aesthetic to it; and if not that, it's dim and cozy, despite being _kinda big_ on the outside…

"Ah…" Maria stares up at the tall, multi-floor front face of the clinic! "It's… bigger than I expected."

"Hanh." Our rabbit chucklefuck let out a brief _fuckchuckle_ at that. "I hear tha' a lot…"

"I suggest we have rabbit for dinner." Genkan wants to broil his ass…!

"Yeah, dude." We are now at the clinic, so he's served his purpose!

...It's not _too_ dim at the moment, but it's darker than it should be at sunhigh. This freakin' bamboo…!

I wonder how Eientei makes electricity. I bet Eirin made one of those bullshit generators that just makes electricity out of more electricity or some shit.

"Watch this…" Rabbit guy boy steps up onto the front pads before the sliding glass doors-

They slide open, dude.

"Woa~h…" Agape at the spectacle, Maria's eyes light up! "I didn't even sense the magic for that…" Ahaha~...!

"Me… either." Genkan's brows were raised! Drifting up to the dim space between the first sliding door and the next, she gazes at the doors curiously… "That's impressive."

Impressive, huh. "Aw, sliding glass doors." The good ol'... sad, dim freakin' welcome room between the two doorways. It's a fun place, dude…

"...Why're'n't ya impressed?" The bunny boy speaks to me, for some reason! Also, why're'n't, dude. That's, like… _three_ apostrophes.

I face 'em as we progress into the big hospital of doom. "Every corner store on the outside has these doors…!"

"Oh…?" Upon drifting inside, Genkan sights Reisen up ahead. "I thought you said magic wasn't as prevalent…"

She glances back at me, and I grin at 'er! "It's _not_ , yo. This ain't magic, yo. It's technology!"

"Technology…" Idly, she echoes me as we approach the front desk…

"Tell me more!" What's with this _rabbit guy_.

I look down at 'em! "Y'know- how old are you?" It's not rude to ask a guy, son! No one cares about dudes…!

"Hundred an' two." Woah, what the fuck. You're older than my dad and me combined. "How 'bout you, man?"

Oh, shit, at the time this fanfic started, da~h… "Eighteen!" Took me a moment! Just barely legal, son.

"Wa~h…" He gapes at me! "You're awful _young_ ta be walkin' 'round these parts, boy."

Who _are_ you. "Freakin'- and who're you…!?" I even ask as much…!

This front lobby's actually gotten pretty nostalgic for me. It's sort of refreshing to see dim, mass-produced urban stuff once in awhile to remind myself that it exists. I haven't actually fully registered the fact that I probably won't be seeing anything like a big outside building ever again, aside from freakin'... _Golden Grin._ I'm sure Eientei's more than big enough to make up for it, though…!

We reach Reisen's desk! She's just kind of giving us a bored stare _…_

"Naoto." Rabbit boy- or _Naoto_ \- _adjusts his hat_ , like a _stylish rabbit._ "How 'bout your name?"

We came here for a reason, and that reason wasn't this boy!

Ignoring him, I look up at Reisen!

...She blinks at me. "...Hey-"

"Whe~re's the _Eirin_ , ma~n…?" It is time to make all the requests!

...Reisen just blinks at me. "Why?"

I need some buttermilk crispy tendies. "I gave 'er a robot thing not too long ago, and she asked me ta come back 'n' see it." I shall dismantle you with my factual knowledge! "So now I wants ta see it…! S'been a few days, I think." Or a week…!

"...I suppose I can phone you in." Aw. I didn't have to throw crusty pillows at Reisen, dude.

...While the _good rabbit_ steps to the back 'a the room, Genkan turns to me, speaking quietly. "You can just… get _phoned in_ to speak with doctor Yagokoro…?"

"Ye." I'm not nearly as quiet! "Apparently ya need a reason. But, if you're annoying enough, I'd imagine you'd get through anyway…!"

"It's not quite supposed to work that wa~y…" Reisen calls back to us lazily. "...It ends up like that anyway, though."

...Genkan snorts, after a short delay…!

"Robot thing?" Alright, this rabbit guy needs to freakin'...! "Whah robot thing?"

"The _good one_." Aa~h, aaa~h! "Son- why're you still with us." I just called a guy eighty years older than me 'son'.

...He shrugs. "Ah. Eh. Boredom?"

...The bad part is that's not even a bad excuse. I use it all the time!

"Hey…" Reisen's just now phoning us in. "Hey, Brad's here and- oh. Alright…"

 _Click._ She hangs it up! "Down the right hall, take your first left, and keep going straight." Ooo~. Directions!

"Thanks, yo!" I give her a wave, and begin moving!

The tile hall to the right is nice and wide. There's nothing big happening here… as usual. These halls are always dead, for some reason.

"This place is big…" Maria restates the obvious!

"It seems bigger on the inside." Genkan states the less-obvious-but-still-obvious…

"No, it's not." I deny these facts. _Fake news_ , dude. "It's tiny, dude. The tiniest. There couldn't be tinier."

...Genkan gives me a flat stare…! "You're bored."

"Yeah." Hallways _forever, dude!_ Hnn~gh!

"Hey, man." What the fuck…

Why is this boy like _right next_ to my leg. "Why don' we li'... sing a song, perhaps?"

Krusty Krab pizza, is the pizza, for you and me. "...Y'know-"

"That's a terrible idea." Genkan shuts us down!

"Hey- lay off!" What was his name, Naoto? Yeah, Naoto. Naoto's prickly to Genkan's usual disposition "Let's see _you_ suggest somethin', then!"

...Oo~h!

Genkan looks ahead. "...Well. I've taken up the habit of immersing myself in the visuals of my surroundings. Gensokyo has many sights to offer… and these interiors-"

" _Bo~ring!"_ The rabbit guy yells out!

"I will make you disappear." Hoh, shit! Pushed a button, he did…!

"If I wanted ta stare at walls, I'd've gone ta 'a… wall convention!" Wha- ah…?

…

"I don't… _think_ those exist." Maria glances back for the first time since we entered this long hall…! We're _still walking_ , by the way. Hang in there, baby!

Foldin' his arms, Naoto looks away. "Fuckin'..."

…

After I look at everyone... "What if we _sang a song_ about the _walls?"_ I have ushered forth the great compromise.

...Genkan's skeptical! "How even."

"Would it- would it go som'n like…" The boy starts to get ready to _sing_. What the fuck-

" _The wa~lls_ … _!"_ Oh my god, he's really doing it. "...Are… _greyish!_ Shit…" And, he lost it.

"That does not remind me of singing." Genkan beats 'em up, dude…!

"...Well." Yeah, oof. You _lost,_ son. "Let's see _you_ try." That is actually a great idea.

…

I stare at Genkan, who's just looking ahead! Then, she looks at me.

...I roll my hands towards her!

She blinks.

Roll both hands, and I like- I open my mouth, and- ongh, yo!

...She still don't get it. Freakin'!

I place a hand on my chest, hold out an arm, and _prete~nd_ to sing…! Without the lyrics!

...She blinks a few more times! "Are you in discomfort?" Aa~h, aa~h!

 _Pat, pat_. The short rabbit guy patted my _ass._ "You okay, man?"

...I just _slowly turn to him_. "Son."

"...What, you wan' me ta call ya papa?" He grins up at me! "Tha's usually what people call me!"

I gesture to his _ass hand._ "Why, son."

…

"Checkin' to make sure if ya were okay?" He tilts his head…!

"My ass is okay, son." Take my word for it!

As we traveled along, the hallway shifted from sterile blue tiles and pasty walls to the wood floor and paper walls-with-wooden-beams I'm familiar with. This place is a freakin' disaster of conflicting interiors…!

...His hand lingers on my ass. You know what…

I let my arms ragdoll. "Are you gay, son."

"Alright, what…?" Maria looks back at us, befuddled!

…

"I take it you're _not?_ " He smiles up at me. "I mean…"

Oh- woah. His hand _squeezes my ass._

...I just give him the befuddledest of befuddled expressions.

"S'that a no?" ...He looks away for a moment! "Fuckin', don't just leave me hangin'...!"

"That's a no…!" Freakin'-

I remove his hand from my ass! "I am not into _gay rabbits_ … _!"_ Eirin's puttin' somethin' in the water, son! It's even turning the _rabbits_ gay…!

...Naoto just _shakes his head._ "Damn. That's a bloody bummer. Fucking… why're you even _wearing_ a kimono? Y'not brave enough to be proper gay or whah?"

"I did not think I was trying…!" This freakin' rabbit! "But in case you were _confused son_ , no, I was not _soliciting you…!"_

…

Rolling his eyes, he defers from us. "Alright, fuck it. Later."

Within a moment, he flips around on a dime and jogs off into the opposite direction, not even looking back.

"...Well." Genkan just looks _smug._ "I must admit, I _am_ curious about the kimono." Aa~h!

"I didn't even think about it…" Maria is thankfully untainted. Hoh… "His kimono's so weird, it doesn't really strike me as girly."

"...It _is_ weird enough to be gender neutral." Genkan relents… "That doesn't mean I'm not curious about it."

They're bamboozling me, dude. Actually- let's see… "I got the base model of it made by _monks…_ in the _great Himalayas,_ dude!"

"I assume you mean the buddhists." The joke goes right over Genkan's head…! "That makes sense."

Woo. "Yeah, yo. When I got it, it used to be a photocopy of an _actual_ yuki-onna kimono."

"That makes less sense." Genkan's stare becomes a degree more jaded… "Why would they not make you a male kimono?"

…

I never thought about that. _Byakure~n…_

Was me going around crossdressed as a not-Kaguya yuki-onna all part of Byakuren's crossdressing femboy fantasies…!? _Aaa~h!_

At my befuddlement, Genkan snorts and raises her brows!

"That's… hmm." Maria wants to know, too!

"I think that's a story for anotha' day…!" We'll go over how Byakuren is a _sexual predator_ later. "Aw, dude…"

Pulling out my Kaguya wig, I throw it over my hair! "Yo ho ho! I had this on with the kimono!"

As she began to stare ahead at the _endless hallway,_ Genkan commented. "...Hana drew that from your bag earlier. I figured you'd used it for _something_."

...I step up next to Maria. She looks over at me, then doubletakes! "Why~..."

Hohoho! Aw…

...Oh, hey. It's that one sliding door from when I came here for that lunar bumfuck mission. About fuckin' time!

Stowing away my _wig_ , I step up to the door-

 _Fwhip!_ It zips open!

"Aa~h…" Maria likes that, dude.

...I step back-

 _Fwhip._ It's closed now, dude.

Forward-

 _Fwhip!_ Ye~s, dude…!

Back-

 _Fwhip._

Forward-

 _Fwhip!_

Back-

Fwhip. Wahaha!

 _Fwhip!_ Ohp. Genkan floated into its range, and it opened! "As impressive as this is, we'd best not _destroy it_ , in all of our youthful curiosity." _Destroy it_ , yo…!? You overestimate me!

...Once my friends an' me navigate inside, I gaze about the _sleek tiles_ of this freakin' hexagonal hallway again.

"What… is this?" Genkan peers about the hall, taking it in! "Where are we?"

"In the clinic." I give her a warm nod…

...She huffs. "Excellent. To clarify, _where_ in the clinic is this?"

"It's the _super_ division, dude." I don't know myself! "This seems to be where they shove irrelevant testing tech, and stuff that they don't want people to see." Aw- wait! It's the _BFG division dude…!_

"...And, for some reason, they let _you_ see." Drifting ahead, Genkan gives me a lingering dry stare.

Well, you see, the context is like twenty chapters ago…! "Yeah, yo. I've pestered them enough to get in on their backer rewards for December." No one will get this, ever. I don't think 's even a big thing yet.

"...Right." Genkan goes along with it, anyway! "Do you know where to take us, from here?"

Oh, yeah. I think it's three sliding doors of doom up…

Wait, that first door used to just be a big lug door, not a slidey door. Did they change it? Ah, whatever.

...Out of curiosity, I get close to one of the wrong doors!

It refuses to go 'fwhip', staying locked. Well, I guess if I didn't know which one was right, we'd be able to just trial and error it…

Stepping up ahead-

 _Fwhip!_ Getting remotely near the correct door opens it! "In here, yo." Ho ho…

"How are you doing that…?" Maria wants to know! "You're not even… doing anything to do it."

...I grin at 'er! "You're right, yo. I'm not doin' nothin'! They just open!"

...Like last time, this room is dim and full of gloomy, faint lights and navy tints. Unlit white tiles appear grey on the floor beneath us as we progress into the big room of test things.

Floating in the middle is that medical droid 'a mine, yo! Eirin didn't break her down into spare parts after all!

Seikatsu, the _ro-bow_. Robot, commando~! Well, maybe not, but she's floaty and stuff. Also, she has _limbs!_ Still floating, but has limbs!

"...Greetings." Eirin steps up to us! "I'd figured you would be lost longer than that. It's almost ready for a test run."

A test run, huh…? "I probably woulda gotten lost, but a gay rabbit made sure my ass was okay, so I didn't."

...Eirin just gives me a _glance,_ before moving back towards her panel along the room's sidewall! "I… see."

Pausing for a moment, she runs her gaze over my party. "...Also, I didn't expect your… company."

Insert Sora Donald and Goofy joke here. "We're looking for the king, dude. And the door to the light, yo…!" A-hyuck!

...Eirin raises a brow at me. "I don't think there is something so simple." Woah. Did she just diss Kingdom Hearts without knowing what it was…!? Ho ho!

Suddenly, intercom fuzz! _"That game was stupid."_ Yo~...!

...On the wall next to Eirin, I sight a radio-esque panel thing!

"Don't mind her." Eirin waves the princess's voice off. "She's been bored, today."

I jog up to the panel! "Yo, Kaguya! Look out for the darkness! The dark, dark, darky darky _dark_ -"

 _Fzzt_. Radio silence…

...I look back at the friends! "They got her, dude!" She's a Xehanort now!

Stepping away from the panel, Eirin takes a once-over of Seikatsu's form from afar…

"Wha-..." Maria's trying to speak, dude. "...What's… all of this?" She's kinda taken aback by how hi-tech this room is…!

...Eirin _blinks_ at 'er, yo.

...Then, after a moment, she has her answer! "Nothing you need concern yourself with. I say this not out of formality, but because to properly explain most of this technology would require… more time than either of us have, I'm sure."

In the back of the room is cryo-tubes, there's the weird machinery all around Seikatsu- like a dome platform _thing_ , there's the console and the radio control thing…

Let me identify the things, dude. I point at the cryo-tubes! "...Those hold, uh, things." Armor, people? Who knows, yo! Next is the console… "That manages… programs and stuff!" Then the radio bit! "That's for talking…" And, now, the dome platform. "That's the _dawn machine,_ dude."

...Maria blinks. "Dawn… machine?"

"Programs…" Genkan gazes at me. "Such as… schedules? Or perhaps magic allocation?"

 _Schedules._ Wha- well, technically. "...Something _like_ that, yeah! It's more like, aa~h..."

"Aa~h." Genkan echoes…! "I know exactly what you mean now."

Freakin'...! "It's like tricking _rocks_ into _thinking_ , with _electricity_ , and bunch of tiny minerals and wires arranged in ultimately tiny, intricate ways."

Looking ahead at the floating robot, Genkan takes this in. "That sounds… complicated." It really is...!

...Oh, hello Eirin. You've approached me while I wasn't looking! "Your explanation was about ten percent accurate." Woohoo! "On that note…"

 _Click, click, click._

Yo! Seikatsu walked up to us! 'Cause _limbs!_ Except, she's walking on her _gravity thruster boots_ , which looks like it'd fuck her balance up, but apparently not. Wait- are those boots? Oh. She doesn't have feet, she just has freakin' gravity thrusters.

Also, they're not even on, which was why I heard her approach.

...I point at her. "She supposed to have feet?"

"Not particularly." Eirin decided. Oh. "Normally, she'd always be in all-terrain mode. However, she can quickly traverse flat flooring with the correct augments. At the moment, however…" She gestures to the awkward-looking _peg legs._ "I'm sure it's self-evident."

Yeah. On the upside, Seikatsu has _actual arms and hands_ , now. They're just kind of rigidly at her sides, like when you just insert a model into MikuMikuDance. In other words, T-pose! Fingers extended, too. She's handy, yo.

...I think I'll go over her appearance, 'cause yeah. S'been awhile. Seikatsu's entire body is fleshy, now- barring the _thrusters_ , making her look naked. Except, she doesn't have tits or a clit, just a small 'chest' and a generic crotch.

Long, brown hair still! Also, empty, luminescent white eyes.

"Seikatsu model U V two, version two." Eirin announced! "...For lack of more proper instancing. She seems to have originally hailed from a different plane of existence." Oh. How.

"What…" Stepping up to her, Genkan's brows are furrowed. "What _is_ she? I can't sense anything but holy energy..."

"She's a machine." Eirin summarized. "...Let me make it clear: there is no life to be found in her. At the same time, she had a rather complicated memory bank, which I'll likely crack away at in my free time, perhaps."

You say that as if you have free time.

...Bringing a hand to her chin, she crouched down. "I may have to merge her feet with our gravity boot designs. That should be more intuitive. The main hurdle was making the legs operate in sync with the standard anti-gravity processors built within the original operating system. The difficulty lies in that the original coding was… rough, despite being written in a pseudo-lunar language; inflexible. Lowering the thrusters and changing their shape made the framework-... in layman's terms, it produced unexpected results based off of a predetermined… route, between the previous position and the core processor."

…

"You guys have gravity boots?" I paid attention for that much! Holy shit.

Standing up, she exhales. " _Maybe._ Who wants to know."

I pat my chest. "Me. I do…!"

...After a moment, she begins to circle Seikatsu again. "Go ask the princess. She'll retrieve you some, if she feels kind- and, considering her mood, she is." Oo~h.

"What was…" Maria really wants to know something…! "Wha- what's an 'operating system'...?"

...Eirin gives 'er a small smile! "You needn't worry about that, for now. Were I less busy, I might answer that question. If you really want to know the answer, ask around."

This response just leaves Maria displaced looking…!

...Eirin looks over at Seikatsu. "Seikatsu."

" _Accepting input._ " Oh, hey, her voice isn't as jaring in regular as it normally is.

"Override." Eirin commands!

"B_H_U_V_two_V_two…" Oh. What. " _Lunar engine. Say 'B, H, override' to return to the main directory._ " ...Eirin's a pinball wizard, dude…!

"B H test seven." Eirin… commands again! Ho ho!

...Seikatsu's eyes go dim for a moment, before flaring back up. " _Seikatsu Kikai. Please be assured; this is only a test. If found outside of operating parameters, please return to manufacturer. Manufactured in Eientei. To begin operation, say 'Seikatsu'."_ Oo~h. She's a bit more streamlined, now, yo. Or maybe just _user-friendly_.

...With that, Eirin turned to us-

"Seikatsu." Yo ho ho, Seikatsu girl! I call out!

" _Accepting input._ " She accepts my input!

"Help…!" We need all the help! Aa~h, aa~h!

" _Please be aware. This list is incomplete."_ Yo. I don't remember this! " _Say 'register…_ name… _' to index a patient for reference. Say 'follow…_ name…' _to bind my performance to a specific indexed patient. Say 'free roam all' for me to heal all entities within radius. Please note, in this test build, I am not able to leave a radius of the first indexed patient."_

Holy shit, she's still goin'. _"Say 'scan…_ direction…' _for me to scan in a certain direction for non-indexed lifeforms, and print their status. Please note this command works for registered entities by calling their name instead of a direction. For more information, please refer to the operations manual, or contact your manufacturer."_

...She's quiet now. Hoh.

"This is surreal." Genkan's taking in the reality of a programmable 'person'...!

Eirin took a step back. "Register Brad."

Seikatu's eyes lit up green! And then-

 _Vrrr~._ Seamlessly, the stomach folded open, a chunky machine folding out where the plating beneath the flesh parted. The seams on the flesh look weirdly satisfying and smooth…

"Unlike before, seldom will she insert things into you or down your throat unless you really need it, such as for greater, more apt drug administration or poison control." Eirin reveals! "For instance…" She gestures forward-

" _Please insert index finger."_ Seikatsu requests!

 _Vrr._ A tiny cylinder is jutted out from the parts smooth and parts jagged mechanical mess inside. It's black, cone-like on one end, but has a slot in the very midst for my finger.

...Almost reluctantly, I slide my finger on in-

 _Click_. ...Quickly, it locks my finger in place. Slowly, the pressure increases, until I can't so much as feel it.

 _Click._ Fff~, ow~! It pricked my finger…! I sure as hell felt that!

 _Clank._ The slot expands so my finger can exit real easy. As I draw it back, I can see the skin very rapidly regenerate back over the gaping, diamond-shaped puncture wound that was made in it.

" _Patient_ 'Brad' _indexed."_ She recorded Eirin's voice saying that…! " _Please wait. Processing…_ "

Cla- cla- clank. The machinery retracts entirely, the skin repositioning where it was, the seams closing nearly instantly.

"You'll have to do that with everyone you wish to register." Eirin annotates. "You can't delete anyone yet, without going in and doing it manually." I can't delete people from reality, son. What a shame, dude.

" _Patient Brad processed._ " Oh, woah. Does she have my name recorded in her voice bank now, and not as a recorded sound byte? How's that work?

...My party members are kind of speechless at what they're watching! I'd imagine it's a pretty big culture shock…!

"Now that you're indexed, she should be able to return to you whenever she's separated, or called back for repair or maintenance." Eirin goes over her stuffs… "Which will be rather often, since she's still quite imperfect and there are still a number of oddities about her."

Stepping back, slippin' her arms behind her back, Eirin nods at me. "You may proceed to get lost now, and all that. Do try to get hurt, to test out her healing capacity." Break a leg, huh…!?

As I move for the door, she keeps going…! "Also, you can disable her healing capacity by type- _saying_ her name, and then 'disable healing'. You can re-enable it this way, too."

Ah, yeah yo. Turn it into a _hovering crate_. "I will keep this in mind…!"

...Actually, before I march out the door, I think I'll see how scanning works.

"Seikatsu~." Hello, friend.

" _Accepting input."_ But do you accept _output._

"Scan Brad." You must scan… the Brad man!

...Seikatsu's eyes light up green-

 _Flick._ A green, complex circle lights up under me, for a moment! After rotating around, it minimizes out of existence.

" _Name: Brad-..._ " It mouths a second word, but doesn't say it. " _Species: Human."_ This is good news.

" _Offensive and defensive variables negligible."_ Say wat. " _One hundred fifty percent ice resistant. Fifty percent freezing resistant. Fifty percent dark resistant. Negative fifty percent fire and burning resistant. Strategy: fire physical attacks."_ Now I know how to kill myself the easiest!

" _Six feet tall. One hundred thirty pounds."_ I am as durable as a paper bag! " _This patient is underweight. Eighteen years old."_ Aw. _"This patient is malnourished._ " Yeah, that'd figure.

" _The general strategy for human opponents is area-of-effect statuses, fire, and poison."_ Oh, good. Do you have strategies for fighting gods…?

" _Recommended medicine for patient: food."_ The _best_ medicine.

…

"Ah…" Maria looks over at me! " _You're_ malnourished…?"

...I hold my arms out! "I never eat, yo. S'freakin', s'just how-"

"Is there somewhere to eat, around here?" Genkan's lookin' over at Eirin. "I'm peckish, myself."

"Yes." Imagine if she said _no._ "If you go back six doors or so, then continue down the right hall, down the _left_ stairs and past the grey door, you'll find a fitting cafeteria." I'm never going to remember this…!

"Thank you." Genkan moves for the sliding door! I assume _she_ remembers… "Let's go." Hoh… guess we're just gonna run off now!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

This hall is _different_ from the others, too! It's huge, for some reason… although still made of wood beams. Way up ahead is some-... oh. I coulda swore I saw more hall. Instead, the FoV is just really low. Whatever it takes to get that sweet _sixty frames_ , dude.

...I glance over at Genkan. The friends got registered into the _matrix_ off-screen, because yeah. Maria yelped all cuddly like when her finger got pounded open and then healed immediately.

"...I don't think I'm _actually_ that hungry." I mean, I _could_ eat, but with how occupied I've been-

"You're eating food." Genkan declares…! "It's important to keep yourself in working order."

...Yeah, I _suppose so_ , yo. I've always had a strange capacity to forget about _bodily necessities_ when I'm having fun. Or, y'know, getting nearly killed, or some variant of extremely engaging activity.

"It was probably a _medical opinion_ , too…" Maria considered the robot's words… "So we'd better listen."

"...This is true!" Yeah, it's not a big deal in this circumstance.

Aw. Speakin' of the robot's words… "Seikatsu!"

" _Accepting input._ " Seikatsu's hovering along behind us! Oh, yeah- we gotta see Kaguya about a horse- I mean, gravity boots.

"Scan Maria!" Let us… evaluate her, yo!

"Wha- why…" Maria stares at Seikatsu-

 _Flick._ The green circle appeared under Maria, rotating around, before minimizing into oblivion.

" _Name: Maria Yamada."_ The battleship armada~...! Except, this isn't Kancolle…! " _Species: Human._ " Ye.

" _Five feet, six inches tall. One hundred sixty pounds._ " Maria's heavier than _me._ She's almost as thin as me, too! Also- she's really five foot six…? For some reason she feels shorter to me… " _Sixteen years old."_ Hoh. " _Patient is malnourished."_ Oh, you too…!?

" _Slightly magic resistant. Seventy-five percent freezing resistant. Larger mana pool than the average human. One hundred percent freezing resistant. Negative fifty percent burning resistant. Strategy: fire physical attacks."_ That's pretty much going to be all of us, isn't it. Fire enemies would _wreck_ us. Except, we might also wreck fire enemies!

" _The general strategy for human opponents is area-of-effect statuses, fire, and poison."_ Yeah, we know that already…! " _Recommended medicine for patient: food."_

...

"It's… it's kinda weird how it gives strategies to fight us." Maria gives the floating robot girl a stare…

"Seikatsu." Genkan gets ready to issue a command!

" _Accepting input."_ I'm running out of witticisms about this line…!

"Scan… Genkan." She seems to find it curious to speak her own name. I can relate!

 _Flick._ Green circle! It's more like _emerald,_ really. It does its spinny thing as usual, and then it _kills itself._ Oof.

" _Name: Genkan. Two hundred eleven pounds. Five feet, ten inches tall. Sixty-two years old."_ Ooo. She's… younger than I expected, actually! I suppose two hundred pounds is right. She's freakin _curvy_ , but I've seldom seen anyone actually tubby outside of some dudes in the human village. I wonder if youkai stuff has anything to do with it.

" _Adequate temperature level."_ Oh? _"Fear status: good. Positive bios; reminder- run diagnostic on additional variable indicators at later date. Heat status: good."_ _Good,_ yo. Yuki-onna specific things, I think!

" _Two hundred percent ice resistant. Freezing immune. Negative one hundred fire and burning resistant."_ Yeah, the good stats. " _Strategy: mixed fire attacks. Additionally, fire element causes panic."_ We get it…! Kill us with fire!

" _Yuki-onna are rare to provoke outside of frosty environments, especially not for combat. Status effects deter them unless they are truly angry. Fire invokes panic, so even superficially threatening them with it may be a deterrent. Seldom seen in groups. Drops cold essence on death. Uses powerful ice magic and attacks, typically exclusive from other elements."_

...That was a like, _detailed strategy_ on fighting yuki-onna. Humans don't get nearly the same amount of detail!

"Two hundred eleven pounds…?" Maria gives Genkan a curious smile! "You don't look fat, though. Even if your, um, boobs… are…"

...Genkan just kinda slowly looks over at her! "I'm not a human, if you've forgotten."

Furrowing her brows, she speaks again. "Seikatsu." Ooh?

" _Accepting input."_ Input… denied!

"Scan Seikatsu." Oo~h. Genkan wit' the _smart_ ideas…!

 _Flick._ The gre- _emerald_ circle lights up under Seikatsu herself!

" _Name: Seikatsu Kikai."_ Oo~h. Let's see how hot shit you are…! " _Undefined tall."_ Good height. She is… infinitely tall! " _Six hundred thirty-three pounds. Three years old."_ _Three_ years old…!? " _Species: Seikatsu Kikai._ " Aw. So cool she gets her own freakin' _species_ , dude.

" _Status: good._ " ...Oh. That's good!

" _Fifty percent holy resistant. Fifty percent bomb resistant. Immune to stagger and weakness. Immune to poison. Immune to tired. Immune to space statuses. Immune to silencing and syphoning. Immune to blindness. Immune to asphyxiation. Fifty percent weak to water. Fifty percent weak to electricity. Strategy: cursing, water and electric magic. Projectiles recommended."_ Well, aren't you a freakin' box 'a wonders? I'd hope a robot is immune to choking to death…!

...Oo~h. We're passing this big, grassy courtyard, dude. The hallway became this like… it's still a hall, but one wall is gone, letting us see the outside. By the way- this courtyard is bigger than the entire exterior of the clinic.

...It even has a sniper tower on the other end!

" _Holy machines are difficult to fight, without the right equipment."_ For what reason is there a section on fighting holy robots. " _Those weak to water and electricity are easy, but those only weak to bomb are hard. They're typically very hardy either way, as well. Focus on heavy attacks, and only use magic if it's water or thunder, depending on the model. Be wary of damaged-state exclusive or self-destructive attacks, or widespread area-of-effect attacks. Most importantly, be wary of bomb attacks, as few other species use this element. Becomes parts on death."_

...Good.

I poke Seikatsu's tummy flesh. "You're _tubby."_

"Six hundred pounds." Genkan echoes. "We could drop her on someone."

"She's _malnourished,_ dude." I poke Seikatsu's tummy flesh _again_. "We're all malnourished…!"

"...Except for me." Looking over at me, Genkan clarifies… "I couldn't say the same for certain sisters of mine. Typically, heat is not taken from humans consensually…"

Oh, yeah. "What'cha guys use heat for, anyway…?" Aren't they yuki-onna who freak out from fire and stuff? And _warmth?_

"Turned yuki-onna and newly born ones need it to survive." She begins explainin'... "Otherwise, it's an only very occasionally needed source of… sustenance, I suppose. Beyond that, it's essentially just something that feels good to have. We can go a few decades without a life or death deficiency just from one human's life force, but the empty feeling from even a year or two is typically too much for us."

Hoh. "How long's one human's stuff last?"

"A couple years." Ho ho! "You cannot quite stockpile it, either. Heavens know _some of us_ have tried." That sounds like an experience…!

"What's heat, really…?" Maria asks a question as we move down the halls…!

And then- ooh. Genkan makes a sharp turn towards the stairs!

...Once we begin descending- in Genkan's case, _floating_ \- she speaks. "Actual body heat mixed with life force. For a time, I'd simply considered it soul energy, until recently."

On the second floor down- weren't we on the _ground_ floor? Freakin- but we were up on a high walkway earlier. This place is fucking weird, dude. Anyway, we're almost to the cafeteria, I think!

"What made you realize it was just heat and… life?" Maria posed anotha' question!

...Genkan glances back at me! "Him."

I~ am now involved in the conversation! "Hoh. Me…!"

"Yes, you." She looks ahead again, leading us. "While your kimono prevents the generation of new body heat… or slows it rather, you still retained heat and energies whenever you unequipped and requipped it. When you wore it, I was able to drop your body temperature to freezing, and not only did you not realize, you didn't freeze. In fact, with your improved clothing, you _make_ cold." Ooo~...!

"I'm an _ice guy_ , dude." Wahaha!

...That was supposed to be a crappy pun on 'nice guy', but since we actually were talking about ice, no one even bat an eye! Actually, that's probably a good thing…!

Coming up to some grey double doors, Genkan just floats into them, holding her arms to push them open, since that's the kind they are-

 _Crea~k…!_ Ope~n sesame!

...Oh, wow. It's _dead_ in here. There's a few lunar bunny girls at this tiny table to the left, and no one else. To the right, there's a big glass window-maybe-doorway thing, allowing us to see a very tiny courtyard, and a big brick wall. Cool view.

...There's a counter ahead, but no one's at it. Dude- maybe we can steal food!

As we approach it, however, I come to a _grave realization,_ yo. How do you steal food… when there's no food left out to steal!?

"Where's the food, yo…!?" I look around for the food! And then-

 _Fvhip._ A blue, holographic panel projects out of the otherwise shitty and grungy counter. As such, it takes me by surprise! "Hoh, shit…!"

...It's in _moon runes._ What is this…!?

Genkan slides up past me, looking it over… with apparently equal befuddlement. "What… on earth?"

"No, on the moon…!" It's a freakin' holographic menu thing! I may not be able to read the words, but I _can_ read the yen signs, numbers, and the pictures of _food_.

I press the button with a chicken on it-

 _Fvhip_. Oh. I killed the menu.

...Genkan just blinks. "...What did you do?"

"I dunno." Confusing technology is confusing…!

...Reaching forward, Genkan fiddles with the little port on the counter where the hologram came out of. "I can't detect any magical energy of note…"

"There's little things happening in the counter." Maria observed the magical bits with her _mind...!_ "It's so weird..."

 _Cla- clack._ Oo~h. Something's going bump in the afternoon!

I look down, only to realize the noise was coming from above-

 _Clack!_ The ceiling opens-

 _Di~ng!_ Oh.

Slowly, a fully cooked chicken lowers from the ceiling, before landing softly on the counter before us.

"Oh my go~d…" Maria's eyebrows raise…!

 _Fvhip._ Oh, hold up…

The hologram came back up! It has the yen sign and numbers, in _big bold font._ Also, two options beneath it. This looks like a yes or no question…

Wait, there's one of those optional checkboxes, too. "Genkan, help. I'm an illiterate degenerate…!"

"Oh, right…" She snorts! "...Well, this is simply asking yes or no. This fine print says… if you would like to use your saved credit information."

My _saved credit information._ Yeah, okay. Well, I don't have a _Capital Eirin_ _Express_ card, so probably not. Wait…

...I look over at the chicken. What if we just grab it and devour it whole right here?

I reach out for the chicken-

...My hand meets a hexagonal barrier. There's an energy field around the chicken. What the fuck. "Holy shit. Dude- they're guarding it…!"

"Wha- why…?" Maria is in disbelief!

...Aw. Idea.

"Freeze the barrier!" I request of Genkan! "We're takin' this chicken!"

"...We could simply _pay_ for it." Genkan gives me a dry stare. "...It's three thousand yen."

That's three thousand yen too many! "No one's even at the counter…!"

...She furrows her brows. "You're _right._ Even so..."

…

She looks both ways. Those rabbits from before aren't staring at us…!

Reaching forward-

 _Fwa~sh!_ She freezes the energy shield!

Swiping out Hard Winter, I stomp back… charge myself wit' _magic_ , and then run up to the ice-

 _Cra~ck!_ ...I barely dented it.

"Give me that…" Cringing from the noise, Genkan quickly swipes my _toy,_ jerks herself back, then thrusts at the ice-

 _Cra~ck- crack, crack!_

...The ice all shattered, but the barrier didn't change at all. Holy shit.

" _Thunder!_ " Maria thrust her staff into the barrier!

 _fzip_. What. It _ate_ all the electricity.

...Maria just stumbles back…!

That's it! Stomping up to the barrier, I- Genkan, lemme take my thing back…! Okay, there. I reel the hanger back, and-

 _Ping._ My hit's momentum isn't even reflected. It's just _stopped._

…

"I don't think we're getting that turkey for free." Aw. Genkan's discouraged from smashing it, yo…

Also, it's a _chicken_ , not a _turkey_ , yo. Ho ho.

"Use the big ice blade attack!" We're going all the fuck in! "It's do or die, dude! Swim or sink!"

…

Oh, man. She's _really_ on the fence…

I give her a big smile!

"I'm pretty sure we'd be in immense trouble." She shakes her head. "I refuse." Aaa~h!

Oof. Oh, well. Let's buy something a little less _pricey_ , then.

"Let's get something cheaper, and more easy to eat…!" More easy, rather than easier, dude. "I don't think we're cutting through a _chicken_ with the plastic sporks they pro'lly give here…"

I press what I think is the _no_ button on the holographic panel-

 _Fwazam!_ Holy shit! The chicken _disintegrated,_ dude!

"What…!?" Maria's alarmed! "Oh, no!" She places her hands on the barrier, as the chicken flakes apart into black and cyan electric bits! "A- aah…!?"

…After some seconds, it's entirely gone. That was _chicken murder,_ dude. The hologram refreshes itself, giving us the menu again.

"I'm not sure what to say about that." Genkan's processing chicken murder! "...I find myself saying this too often."

Aw, dude, they have tendies here. Also, fried chicken, I think. If I'm malnourished, maybe I should eat, like… more than just chicken.

Wait. At the bottom there's a few things of _bottles._ Are these vitamins, or hard drugs?

"Yo, what's these things?" I gesture to the over-the-counter meds!

...Per my request, Genkan reads 'em off. "Hmm. Gastro intestinal supplements. Dietary supplements. Power pills…? Hmm. Some different elemental resistance pills. Dietary replacement multi-vitamins. Laxatives…"

Hmm. I tap the multi-vitamins, then the _laxatives._

 _Fvhip._ The hologram vanishes for a moment-

 _Clack._ The door above lazily flaps open-

Cla- clack. The bottles land haphazardly inside the barrier.

...Six hundred seventy yen, huh. Sure. I tap the yes, this time!

"Bottles…" Maria stared at them flatly.

"I'll get some food next, yo." I reason. "These're interesting, though!"

"I'm positive those laxatives aren't for yourself." Lampshading my interests, Genkan drifts around me, to look at the bottles.

"Yeah, yo." Alright, yo, I clicked yes. Where do pay do-

 _Fvh- fvhip!_ Holy shit it's a _hologram girl!_ " _He~y!_ " She waves at me! " _I'll be taking your money, now!"_ Aw! She's got a little _maid outfit on_ and _everything_ , for some reason. Twin-tails!

She holds out both her hands.

...After a moment, I plant my six hundred seventy yen into her palms.

 _Bwhomp._ The cash is stored in a small, pale energy bubble. Stepping back, she brings her arms down, before throwing them up-

 _Clack!_ The ceiling opens up, and takes the money bubble!

As it quietly closes, she bows at me. " _Thank you very mu~ch!_ "

 _Fwoo~m._ The barrier around the pills powers down, and she disappears. Man, s'a freakin'... project to get your shit here! Not in a bad way; but it's really showy!

...Hoh. Now that I've got my items, I step back from the barrier-

 _Fwhoo~p!_ And it's back! Aw…

...Now, for the real food!

 _Fvhip._ The menu panel recalls itself to life, when I approach it again. A tale of two holograms, dude.

...Press random buttons! No, wait, we have shit to buy.

Da~h. "...Take yer _selections,_ yo. I dunno how to _read_ , so…!"

...Stepping up, Maria and Genkan look over the listing.

…

"Is this everything…?" Maria furrows her brows.

Oh, right, you have to scroll it… I drag down the scrollbar slider!

The moment I do, Maria's eyes widen. "Wo~w. This magic is... incredible."

"Indeed." Genkan agrees with this! "This must have taken forever."

...Aw, _dude._ What's this freakin'... _pink goop in a tray…?_

I pick it! "Aw. Good slime."

Giving me a glance, Genkan gives her head a small shake. "Nutrition slime. We'll see about that." The _good slime_ , dude! Nutrition good for Brad! "...Harvested from real slime girls?" Woah.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Ultimately, we spent like… two thousand two hundred yen, was it? We gotta have a good meal, dude.

...We have those vitamins, some _fried chicken_ , _tendies…_

Oh, yeah, and that _pink ooze._ It's really liquidy looking. If it weren't _nutrition ooze_ I'd mistake it for plastic, or _bubble mix_ or something.

"Mrm…" Maria's sinking her teeth into the tendies, dude.

...Genkan's using a _spork_ on a piece of fried chicken.

…

After a moment, she gives up and just lifts it telekinetically. She cheated…!

 _Crunch._ Aw. Tiny bite.

...Swallowing her small bite, she furrows her brows. "...This… tastes like carbon."

Carbon, huh.

...I use my spork to lift some of the nutrition slime. I'm not normally one to try new food- surprisingly- but this looks like candy!

Scoopin' a glob into my mouth, I-...

What is _this._ Oh _no._ It's all _runny_ and, woah… I can feel my tongue like, sliding on the roof of my mouth. When I clench my jaw, it takes like, a second of pressure for my teeth to slide the goo out of the way and meet each other, which is weird 'cause it's so flowy! What the hell is this!?

On the upside, it tastes kinda like bubblegum, which isn't terrible. A little sickly edge to it, but it's not terrible.

 _Gulp._ Oo~h. Oh, man, this is taking forever to swallow. That's cool, I don't need to breathe for a few seconds, sure…!

…"Ha~h…" There we go. All down. "Ho- holy crap…" What the hell is this not-jello bullshit.

"Is it alright…?" Maria looks over at me.

...I giver 'er a grin! "Ah. _Maybe._ "

 _Crunch._ Genkan takes another tiny bite of her fried chicken. "...I suppose there's something novel about this."

Ye. Y'know, that was pretty much my first thought when I tried fried chicken. It's a thing that exists, yo.

"You know…" Maria slowly winds herself up to speak, yo. "Genkan. What _does_ make you heavier than humans?"

...Focusing for a moment, Genkan considers a response. "Hmm. If it's not in body, it may have something to do with heat. Whiterock cannot move quickly, and is capable of damaging boulders with her weight, and yet has similar proportions to me. She has far more aptitude for heat capacity than I… and she is centuries older."

"That makes sense…" Maria focused on her nuggets…

I grin at Maria! "An' how're you heavier than _me?"_ She's tinier, about just as thin, and yet somehow burlier.

...Her response is to shrug! "I- I don't know. I'm… I don't _think_ I'm fat. I haven't eaten much recently, either, so that can't be it."

Raising her shirt just a little, I can see her ribs, but only barely. Where are those other pounds…!?

"You're skinny as a rail." ...Oh. Genkan addresses _me!_ "I'm surprised light breezes don't tip you over." Freakin'...

I open my _kimono_ , and as always, my ribs are right there! That's pretty norma-

"If you were a youkai, such shape would be fitting." Genkan stares at my chest blandly…! "For a human, however… you're fairly meek. It's still better than being overweight, but..."

Yeah- there we go! I usually consider that latter sentence. Also, my _jet engine_ metabolism, yo. You know, Genkan didn't feel like two hundred pounds in the bed, either. When she was splayed across us and shit, I mean!

Realistic concepts in a fantasy world are weird shit...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Dude, those multi-vitamins are good. With some help, I found out the label on the back reads that _one_ chewy tablet fulfills the entire day's nutritional value! It apparently like, _adjusts_ to what you need that day. So like, if you ate _two_ , the second one does fuck and all and just is candy, basically. Weird, yo…

It does not however fill caloric intake, because it's just a tiny tablet! Hoh.

We're just kind of wandering around, now. Where the hell's Kaguya's place…!?

…

Seikatsu still has _fried chicken matter_ smeared on her lips from when I tried to feed her a leg. Wahaha!

"When we get out of here, we should return to my abode, at some point." Genkan considered. "I didn't quite anticipate being swept up into this… series of adventures. Normally I never leave home unless it's to walk, feed, or play in a blizzard."

Feed, dude. "Ice home is nice home…" We should steal her some furniture while we're here.

"Ah. Sorry that, um... we've been using all your free time…" Maria apologizes ta her-

"Don't be." Genkan's cool with it! Fuckin'... the _ice puns-_ "These past few days have been fun. And, when not that, interesting and eye-opening. I just want to make sure no one's made a home of my cave, or vandalized it. I want to keep my things as my things." You have things?

...Maria looks worried! "Why would someone vandalize your home…?"

She gives us a dry glance. "Fairies." Oh, right.

"Aah…" The question answered, Maria relaxes... "That's mean."

...Oh, shit, it's Kaguya's door!

I run up to it! "We _found 'er_ , dude!"

"...I thought we were trying to leave." Genkan didn't get the memo…! "What's this, now?"

"We're gettin' gravity boots, yo!" With a grinning glance at 'er and a nod, I swing the door open-

" _Fu~ck!"_ Ho~h shit!

...Running up in front of us, Kaguya's swinging an oversized wiffle duster around!

 _Pap!_ She slaps a fluffle standing on a counter with it! "Get out!"

"help stop" It looks saddened, as it curls up against the countertop and the wall, intimidated.

 _Pap! Pap-_

 _Fwoof._ She killed it, dude!

...Stopping, she turns to us.

The sight makes Genkan doubletake. "What." Oh, right. Kaguya's only in her skivvies and bra.

She jerks her head back! "Okay, what the fuck. Brad- what is this." She gestures to the friends!

Entering her abode and gesturing back at them, I approach her… "They're friendly."

... _Pap!_ She lightly whaps me with the giant wiffle duster. "Fuck off. If you're going to go fuck up a big thing again, you can suck a dick. I'm busy."

"Busy hammering fluffles…" I nod at this visual…

"...Yeah." She decides to just roll with that!

Then, she steps up to Genkan. "Who's this? Your hooker?"

Genkan's jaw drops! "Wha- ah…?"

"Why're you naked…!?" Maria yells at her!

"It's my _house."_ Kaguya twirls the duster on her finger, before-

 _Clack._ -slapping it down onto the counter next to her.

"I'm pretty sure Eientei is no one's house." Skeptical, Genkan drifts around Kaguya a little…

"...You don't fucking get it." Propping her arms on her hips, Kaguya glares up at her! "I'm the princess, _literally._ This is _my_ house."

...Genkan furrows her brows.

 _Fwoof._ I open the fridge, for some water to wash down that meal we just had. "Oh, yeah. She's Kaguya."

"No, I don't think so." Wo~w, yo. Genkan's gonna have to learn the hard way!

"...Excuse me?" Kaguya's brows were raised! "...Brad, stop bringing stupid bitches over whenever you visit. Mokou and that fairy fucker are bad enough." Ho ho ho!

"She actually _is_ Kaguya…!" I clarify… also, spring water bottle, dude. It's good stuff.

"Princess Kaguya wouldn't be whacking fluffles with a duster in her underwear." Genkan declares! Also- she tries keep her face straight! "...Additionally, this room looks like a servant's quarters."

"Pfft-... hahaha!" Kaguya actually laughs! "Wo~w. I've got your bitch _played_."

"Really." Oh, shit. Genkan doesn't like it…! "If you call me something uncouth one more time…"

"Bi~tch." Leaning forward, the princess just up 'n' freakin'... "Bitchy bitchy bi~tch."

Looking vaguely saddened, Maria speaks up. "Wh- what'd we do to you...?"

"You walked in here and bitched up the place." I'm gonna hafta freakin' step in before this shit gets wack…! "With your _bitching._ "

Genkan glowers at her. "If you must test me-"

"Ho~ld it!" No fighting the time princess! "Nope! No fight! War is peace, peace is war…!"

"Brad." Ooo~. Genkan said my name…! "If we put up with you getting into improper, ill-timed brawls, you may allow me to talk down to a servant girl, and-..."

Upon Genkan pausing, I turn and see Kaguya gone. Ah…?

"...And now she's walked off." Genkan sighs. "That works too."

I don't even know, yo. Maybe she had to take a dump and got bored.

Oh- scratch that. She steps out of her room, fully dressed! "If you want to play the _formality game_ , then I will play it, too."

...As she approaches us, she points at Genkan! "Cur. Kneel before me."

"Dressing up as the princess does not mean you _are_ the princess." Genkan gives her a vain stare…

"Alright, fuck it." Kaguya gives up. "C'mere."

Oh, woah! She whirls past me-

-and buries her face into Genkan's breasts, hands cupping them around her face. "Nnh…"

" _Aah!?_ " Genkan freezes in shock…! And then-

 _Fwa~sh!_

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

 _Thoom._ The metal exterior door shuts behind us.

We stepped outside of the clinic into this rather quaint clearing, around the side of it. There's some locked grey boxes out here, and grungy metal fencing.

"Here's where we test _boots_." Kaguya has shown us the boot location! "It's also where I'm going to shove a boot up your ass if you sass me again."

"Again, I apologize…" Genkan's disheveled from the earlier tussle… "It's just- I'd thought-"

"You _didn't_ _think_ , that's what." Facing her briefly, Kaguya _points at 'er_ before moving towards one of the grey boxes. "But, because I am so _benevolent_ and loving, to all my guests and staff, I will seek no reprimand. Only because your breasts are awesome, and you _froze me_ while I was motorboating you." In retrospect, that was a poor tactical decision…!

"...Mmm." Looking away from her, Genkan's expression stays displeased.

 _Cla- clack._ Undoing one of the bar locks for the crate ahead, Kaguya flips it open…

"Aa~h." She shuts it immediately. "Iron boots. Not helpful."

 _Cla- clack._ She flips the next one open… "Speed boots. No."

 _Cla- clack._ There's a lot of boot boxes out here… "Lava waffles. No." Wait- what.

 _Cla- clack_. "Here we go." Ooh…?

...She takes out these boxy looking boots, with unlit blue tubes on the bottom. They're similar to the thrusters Seikatsu here uses. "Gravity boots."

Then, she tosses them at me!

I catch 'em awkwardly…! "Woah. You could club a rhino to death with these…!"

...With that, Kaguya focuses on Genkan again!

Unfocused looking, Genkan seems to be admiring the treetops. The way the sun blends with stuff _is_ rather fluffy…

"Hey." Kaguya calls out to her. "Snow woman."

"Hmm…?" Looking tired and dismissive, Genkan focuses on her. "Now what?"

"Why didn't you kill me earlier?" Kaguya asks outright…! "I _molested you_."

This line of questioning wakes her up! "...I didn't know if you really were the princess or not." Exhaling, Genkan leans back a little… "At this point, I'd like to keep the death of others at the back of my mind, rather than the front."

"Can't yuki-onna steal souls, and shit like that?" Stepping up to her, Kaguya holds her arms out. "Hug me."

...Raising her brows, Genkan's not sure how to take this! "What?"

"Kill me." Smiling, Kaguya accepts death with open arms! "I wanna see what dying while being smothered by a yuki-onna feels like again. I can't be arsed to wander out into the snow just to _maybe_ find one of you."

…

"Re- really…?" Genkan just blinks at her!

"I was trying to get you to kill me earlier, since you bitches're typically pretty sore about being called bitches." Slowly, Kaguya lowers her arms, getting tired… "But I guess I gotta just _ask_ , since you're really that _dumb_."

...Still skeptical, Genkan only issues a reply after a moment of careful, narrow-eyed consideration. "This… surely cannot be political, since you dying wouldn't benefit yourself. Unless-"

"Stop overthinking it! Just fucking rape me already!" Fed up, Kaguya throws herself at Genkan again!

"Um…!" Maria steps back from them, holding up her staff cautiously. "Brad, should we, um…"

"Let's wait it out…" While this happens, I'm gonna fuck with these boots. "I got boots to boot!"

"Whah…?" Maria's confused by my reserved stance…!

...While I fool with these _mage boots_ I've been wearing since like chapter _ten million_ \- to get 'em off- I look up at the exchange-

Kaguya's like, _wrapped her limbs_ around her, hugging her head into Genkan's bosom again. "Mrm…"

"Yo- you…" Grimacing, Genkan's form begins to emit frosty mist…! " _Fine_. If you want death so badly… I will give it to you."

"O- oh…" Apprehensive and quiet, Maria holds a hand to her mouth. "Brad- um… I- I think-"

"It'll be cool, yo." ...Now that I think about it, in more ways than one! I'm gonna _destroy_ the English language for these accidental puns that keep happening.

Wrapping her arms around Kaguya, Genkan's kimono whirls to _tuck her in,_ dude…!

"A- aah…" Pressed into the yuki-onna's likely soft folds, Kaguya withers and exhales.

"Don't make me feel guilty, by reconsidering." Frowning down at the immortal, Genkan hugs her closer. "...You chose this. It will not be painful."

 _Fwi~sh._ Kaguya's all but buried by the kimono's cloth, her black hair poking out from between Genkan's _pillows_ , as she buries her face…

"...Now, relax." Opening her eyes, Genkan smiles down at her. "...Yes. Like that."

Panicked, Maria begins tugging on my sleeves! "Thi- this- I don't think th- this is oka~y…!"

I look over at her. "Think 'a Mokou. S'like that…!"

…

She seems to sit down next to me. "Ah. Well. It's still _weird_ …" Hoh.

After some moments, I can see Kaguya's head jitter a few times. I'm not sure from what!

I've got the boots on, just about! They're… surprisingly comfy. Still gotta try walking in 'em, but it should be fine.

"Nn- nnh…" Kaguya lets out a muffled groan from within Genkan's embrace. She seems to be rather snug, from the way she's just shifting her head gently...

After a moment, she tilts her head up, staring up at Genkan's chilly, unblinking smile.

"Aa~..." She lets out a little noise!

"You seem comfortable." Genkan really gets into the zone when she's draining people…!

"Te- te…" Kaguya attempts to speak, shuddering and sinking deeper into Genkan's embrace.

"Hmm?" Genkan brings her face closer to hers…

"Tell Eirin… enh." She gasps, for some reason. "Buy me… a- a yuki-onna…"

...Furrowing her brows, Genkan's hold visibly tightens…! "Sink into the dreams of sleeping souls."

...After a few more jitters, Kaguya stops moving, her head sinking into Genkan's bust.

She put 'er in a coffin, dude. Tucked her in for bed…!

…

 _Fwoo~f._ Darting back, releasing Kaguya, the kimono quickly whips back around Genkan's form. Steam billows out for the brief moment it's open…!

"Ha~h…" Her icy expression cracking, she exhales. "So warm."

 _Thud._ Kaguya's pale corpse faceplants before her, frost built up on the exterior of her dress.

I'm immune to death by cold, so... "Hello, friend." I stand up- oh, fuck. These shoes are _weird_ to walk in…!

"Her body… contained an abnormal amount of warmth." Feeling at herself, Genkan's eyebrows arched up. "This is… odd."

...I wonder.

"Seikatsu!" I look at our robotic operating buddy! "...Weight, Genkan?" I wanna know if that's a command. Also, if her weight's changed, that'd prove her hypothesis!

" _Insufficient format."_ You wot, mate. " _Please specify measurement system. Command functions as follows: Weight, unit, optional parameter, and patient."_

...Freakin'. "Seikatsu-"

Kaguya _snores_ from the floor, her body thawed and healthily tinted again. "Mmrm…"

" _Unrecognized input."_ Aa~h!

"Immortality is weird..." Maria seems to have processed these events!

"Seikatsu!" Let's go, yo! "...Genkan, weight, customary?"

" _Patient: Genkan."_ Oh, that works, I think. " _Three hundred twenty-three pounds."_ Hoh, shit! She gained like… a hundred pounds!

"I would like to know how much Whiterock weighs specifically…" Floating over to us, Genkan looks no different for her _one hundred pounds_ she just put on. "...I also cannot hold this much heat for long. We should… weigh me again, later."

…Here comes the silence, dude. We're awkward people. Well- Maria's probably adjusting to _everything that just happened_ , and Genkan looks like she feels _tubby._

Wait, yeah, boots! How the frik do I turn on these boots? Let's see…

Let's try that thing where you click them together!

 _Cli- click!_ I click the heels of the boots together twice!

...And, yeah, nothing. Oof.

Hrrm. Maybe there's like, a switch…

Oh, there _is._ I flip the switch with a finger-

Both boots activate, and I float into the air…! "Oh- oah! Dude holy shit…!" Oh, fuck…!

Standing up- I'm moving forward! And- I'm falling to the side…!

After sliding forward and _falling over,_ I'm now _in the air… upside down._ Let me tell you, all about how… my life got flipped, turned upside down!

I'm still standing. My poofy hair is almost touching the dirt floor of this outdoor _enclave_ , as it we~re. This is so fucking weird-looking…!

"...Hi." I upside-down greet the friends as they approach. And- now I'm spinning. Oh, shit…

"Do you need help?" Genkan proposes, looking _reserved._ Freakin'...

"I dunno~…" I'd like to get a hang of-

Moving my leg, I start to ride off towards the fence! Ah, shit-

 _Woah!_ Stopped abruptly- arcing down-

 _Woosh._ Genkan slides past me, a hand on the back 'a my collar as I- oh, holy shit…

I freakin' skate around in a flippy circle, revolving around her arm! "Waa~ aa~ aa~...!" Oh my _god dude-_

 _Pap._ After a moment, Genkan catches my leg with her other arm-

-and I awkwardly stop against her side, kind of. My right leg does, anyway. This stops the rest 'a me, though.

"...I can see this was worth walking the better part of today for." ...Awkwardly, she tries to reposition me-

"Ah- aah…" _She's_ getting tipped around awkwardly by it…!? How much weight do these boots carry!? She's supposed to be three hundred, and I'm another hundred!

Once she exerts her strength more, I'm put down properly!

"... _There."_ She furrows her brows, trying to keep me held still. I feel like… you ever try to press the same ends of a double A battery together? Yeah. That's my feet and the _floor_ right now.

...She lets go-

"Aha~h…!" I'm thrust up into the air again, and propelled forward! I kinda like-

Woa~h. By _tilting my feet_ I can change where I'm going. I put this to great use by spinning in circles-

" _Ngh!"_ And… ramming my gut into an overhang, that's fine. Oo~h...

"A- aah…!" Maria runs after me! "I'm not sure if that's a good… idea!?"

The correct answer is _it's not_ , but it's a fun one! Let me just…

What is this overhang, anyway. It's crappy, made of funkily colored metal, held up by _wood_ , and is protecting gray crates. Freakin'...

Grabbing the metal overhang to pivot myself around, I- am just kinda pulled off the metal grate, and taken for a joy ride…!

Oncoming gate, drift to the right…! I tilt my legs- and my body keeps tilting _I can't stop it from tilting-_

 _Clang!_ My boots hit the metal grate fence when I drift into it, giving me a small rebound to, um… I'm traveling entirely sideways now, off the like, surface of the _fence._ Oh my god, this is trippy as fuck…

...As I near a corner of fence stuff, I curl up into a ball to try and make my turn, jerking and curling my legs up instead of trying to turn more intuitively…

I transition onto the fence! Traveling forward, I end up gliding over the side of a wall, before coming towards anotha' wall. Crouch and ro~ll the legs…

I'm a wall roller, dude. "This is _weird,_ dude. This is _weird_ , _du~de…!"_

...My party just kinda silently watches! Seikatsu seems to be loosely following me along, rotating with me whenever I _shift planes._ She looks so weird, just… _floating along_ , with her arms held up.

Let's try turning to the floor, now! So… maybe if I just… pan my feet as I move, and kinda drift…

I propel forward off of the wall I'm 'on', passing the dirt floor by the wayside. Thrusting myself into a curled up position, my feet now face the 'wall' of floor I'm along the side 'a…

...Hehe~y! I'm upright again! But I'm still going forward…!

"Is it possible to, like…" Maria follows me along, trying to help! "Turn them off?"

Oh, yeah. I just gotta…

Crouching down, I flip the switches-

 _Thud._ -and immediately eat shit, since doing that required me to crouch into a ball and freakin' have a rolly polly session with the ground. "Oof…"

 _Vuu~m._ The healing engine for Seikatsu briefly kicked on to channel medibeam stuff at me, before stopping once I was adequately healed, apparently.

"Woah…" Taking a pace away from Seikatsu, Maria's brows were raised! "What was that…?"

"The good doctor's high energy, dude." I shall… traverse the world in these boots! Worst case scenario, I just use them for increased mobility to get the fuck away from evil shit. Also, it lets you climb walls apparently, so I can get to the top of the mansion…!

…

 _Crea~k._ Snapping us out of _momentary idleness_ , Genkan swings the back gate of this freakin'... rundown backyard of the clinic open. "Let's get going."

…

Also, yes, we just left Kaguya lying in a freakin' happy puddle outside the side access door. No one will know, dude, no one will know.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...We're basically on the road to the village again! I don't think we'll have to stop inside, since we're just going to Genkan's place to crash in the _ice_. We'll be _cool with it_ too, because ice resistance. Hell, I'll probably love it there with freakin'... one hundred _fifty_ resistance. Ambient healing!

"...Hey." Maria is soft, and warm to the touch. "Genkan."

"Hmm." Genkan gives a hum, drifting alongside us. Flying people _never_ stops being surreal, when you stop to think about it.

"Do you find… killing people, easy? Or, well, have…?" Maria questions _death ethic_ , yo.

...Once a moment of consideration is taken, Genkan replies! "Not… typically. When I was younger, and hungrier, yes. I'm a lot less… active, now. I'd still be aggressive if I wasn't fed. It's sort of ironic, but heat mellows us out. Otherwise, if someone attacks me, I'm not afraid to take their life if they deserve it."

"...Ah." Maria consumes this knowledge to claim as her own. "...I was going to ask if you've ever killed anyone, but the answer's… probably yes?"

"Obviously." Genkan admits to have once murdered! "Most yuki-onna persist through their teenage and young adult years through random homicide in the snow. ...If it's any consolation, those people usually die of frost if left alone. I'd like to think that freezing to death in embraced bliss would be best for them, compared to slowly dying alone in the cold."

...Maria nods! "You know, that makes sense…"

Yuki-onna probably came about _from_ people dying in the snow, and people going 'oh shit snow women got them'. It's the only logical conclusion, so you can't blame 'em! In that sense, they're just kind of part and parcel of nature, except a little more aggressive… and alive. And sentient…!

As we near the village gates, I have another idea! "...You know what we should do, yo?"

"We're not going inside the village." Genkan outright shuts down a potential route! "I don't feel like dealing with it yet."

"Nah, yo." I wasn't plannin' on it. But what I _am_ plannin' on…! "What about the _buddhist temple,_ dude?"

...At that, Genkan takes pause!

"...I _am_ curious." Maria _is_ curious, yo.

"I suppose it couldn't hurt." Genkan's fine with it, yo. "As long as it's not terribly out of the way. I'd like to see how it operates, myself. Considering its proximity to the village, I've never… felt urged to approach it." Ho ho ho. We're going to encroach upon its personal space…!

Once we near the village gate, I take a left! "S'over here, yo. An' up a hill, not too far!"

...So we walk. An'-

"What's your thoughts?" Maria addresses… someone! I think me- "On youkai killing people." That's probably for me…!

...Looking over at her, hmm. Youkai killing people, huh. "...Youkai have killed people!" Yer gonna hafta be a little more specific!

"Well, _yeah…"_ Maria grins! "But, like… does that ever make you afraid?"

"...Not really." Admittedly. 'Cause like… "It's typically pretty easy ta tell when someone wants yer head in. An' if a big girl wanted me dead, I'd probably either be dead, or deserve the freakin'... _oncoming pain._ 'Cause they don't usually just step on random people for no reason…!" Except for Remilia on a bad day and if she don' know you, maybe.

"Some years ago, youkai used to be more… deceptive." Genkan reflected. "They still are, but you'd know who they are if you saw them. They're also offset by the fairies, and this wolfman situation that's been going on. Among other irrelevant nuisances…"

Oh, dude, steps.

"If I die yo, I die. It's a cruel world after all, dude." ...I take two steps onto the stairs, and two steps back down!

"Aah…" Maria goes 'aah'.

"That makes you sound like you have no self-preservation." Genkan… critiques, maybe? Comments! One of those two… "I know that's not true."

...Ah. She missed the beat, yo.

 _Clack, clack, clack._ These gravity boots make me at least twice as intimidating on hard surfaces!

Once we're halfway up these _insane_ temple stairs, I clarify things. "Well, I'm kinda half-jokin', but y'know…"

"Do you hold no merit in that opinion, though?" For some reason, Genkan presses for a serious response!

"...I mean, if I just got freakin' randomly _assassinated in my sleep_... or a meteor fell on me, or I got sniped by a roving _super sniper bandit_ , it's not like the world would end, I think. No pain, even! Not even a chance ta bargain! Just..." I slap my hands together! "Death."

…In retrospect, that got a little heavy! But it feels good, dude.

"You make it sound like you constantly anticipate death." Genkan's got her brows furrowed at me!

Well. Yeah? "...Yeah. Ye. This is Gensokyo…!" I know of the horrors that lie beneath! And there's really no fretting death if it just _happens_. You just hope it don't just happen!

"And what does that have to do with a life of constant fear?" Genkan, how did you keep a straight face when asking that question.

...I grin at 'er for her! "Freakin', there's so much random super magical _bullshit_ goin' on at any given time…! That, and everyone's really _fickle,_ even including some of the big stick people…! And, like… the _setting in general._ " It doesn't really come to mind at the _moment,_ but Gensokyo's got plenty of fucked up shit ready to gank you for existing, and no one would know or care that you died.

...I mean, I still have _common sense_ self-preservation, like 'whatever you do don't fucking molest Flandre like a troglodyte', but I've kinda thrown the idea of 'minimize all possible routes of death' out the window. Because, like… sometimes here, it seems arbitrary and unavoidable! It's not like people've ever gotten anywhere by like, hiding away based on the zero point zero zero one chance of a meteor descending from the heavens and ending only them precisely on any given day.

...I guess this all makes me sound pretty pessimistic! S'not like I _freak out_ over the bad parts, though… nor am I really given the chance to.

...Oh, hey, we're at the top of the steps. My _legs_ …!

"...What if _other people_ weren't okay with you dying?" Genkan… hoh! Asks the big question! "...Like your fairy, Hana, for instance." Ooo~!

...Man. This is actually tricky. I don't wanna say 'that's their problem for being remotely sociable with me', because it's really not. Not like they coulda foresaw my _death_ …! At the same time, like, unless they play an active part in keeping random arbitrary shit from not killing me, I feel like it's to be… I dunno, expected?

And, besides, I've had pretty good luck so far. Luck runs out, but so far it hasn't!

"...S'a tough question!" I gotta gather my thoughts to respond better! Freakin'-

"Take care of yourself."

...Genkan doesn't express this to me in a _commanding_ tone, or in monotone, but phrased more like a _suggestion_ than anything.

...I just kinda blink at her! An' then I-

"Genuinely." Oh, good, her tone's normal again. Freakin', threw me a curveball…! "I know it seems hypocritical, but pessimism… hrmm. It's sort of unsettling."

Is it, yo? "I'm unsettling, dude…!" I am the opposite of settling! Migrating…?

"You were only afraid of the notion of people missing you." Ignoring my humor, Genkan declares an observation…! "It's uncommon for a human to have no goals."

Hey, yo. If you don't hope for anything, you won't be disappointed! Also…

"Afraid?" What're you talkin' about, yo? I mean, I fear _things_ like anyone, but I don't think I was like-

"I can smell it." Wha- you can what. "...Don't give me that look. I thought you knew how youkai operate." Oh. _Oh_ , ri~ght. Fear and stuff. Oof.

...Maria's just standing in front 'a us with _Kyouko_ next ta her.

...Kyouko looks kinda sheepish! "Hey." Then again, she's always kinda tiny…

"I guess it's a good thing we stopped here." Maria looks us over…! "We could talk with some of the… staff? Nuns and religious people." Yeah, yo. Buddha's burliest tubs! An' trust me, Buddha knew a lot about being tubby…!

"I heard you guys on the way up." Oh, god, Kyouko heard my sudden death-related worldview! "...Follow me." Aa~h! I swear, if this ends in Byakuren shoving Buddha down my throat, I'm gonna shove fluffles down her lacy shirt…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 80

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Robot Demolisher, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Factory Disassembler, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Village Revolutionary, Has Forgotten What Half of These Titles Stood For, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Hard Winter - A earth/ice elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the big, orange shaft-like hilt.

PRIMARY WEAPON SKILLS:

Jack Hammer - This weapon can be used as a jack hammer!

Attack Up - Attacks can be magically charged for bonus damage.

Generic Buff - The most generic of buffs. Boosts defense and attack moderately.

Gaia Seed - Basic earth magic. May make targets slightly tired. Creates downward push force on targets.

Tundra - Spike of sturdy ice which might throw people off balance. Might shank someone who slips onto it, though!

Ice Shard - Advanced ice magic. May freeze enemies. Creates ice magic in their body, and freezes the air around them.

Combo Plus - User gets an extra hit artificially, if they want to!

Combo Jump - User can easily cancel out of combos.

Frost Trail - User leaves frost in their trail, particularly while jumping.

NON-EQUIP SKILLS:

Lucky Star - Non-elemental attack that does very random damage to one target. Star that drops from abo~ve!

Scent Pillow - A spell taught by Koakuma. Summons a pillow endowed with the user's love fluids… which, for males, is, euh…

World's Wimpiest Fireball - A spell learned from a book given to me by Patchy. Summons a _really_ , genuinely terrible fireball that only ignites the weakest of fairies.

Lumen - Low-grade holy spell that eats all my mana. Requires a source of holy to actually be cast. Homes in on an enemy and deals a burst of mediocre holy damage.

Double Jump - A skill I got somehow! Allows the user to jump twice. Avoid fall damage, maybe!

Perspective Holder - Um…? I am the primary perspective of this story!

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I would like to know where it actually puts all my stuff though…

==o==

WEAPONS:

Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.

=o=

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! Boosts the power of holy skills.

SKILLS:

Flash - Blinding magic. Works best on dark-elementals, but also works on youkai. Humans too, kinda.

Flashlight - It's a flashlight! Might blind dark youkai, I dunno…

Shine - Basic holy magic. Generates a holy orb in the target's body, which hits 'em with raw holy and stuff...

=o=

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. Has a grate slapped onto it, and a steel block! Sparkles, too…! Oh, s'also got _strings_ , man…!

SKILLS:

Gust - Basic wind magic. Pushes the feeble…!

Fairy Dust - Weapon status effect replaced with fairy dust. Wind attacks with this weapon get fairy dust all over the enemy, debuffing their sinuses!

Bootiful Instrument - I can play music wit' it, dude!

=o=

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious ruby red gems and crimson metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites things on physical attacks!

SKILLS:

Flamethrower Plus - A jet of fire. Freakin'... what do ya want me to say!?

Fume - Makes hot air fume from the earth below. Might sear the feeble.

=o=

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Boosts the power of wind skills. Pushes air on swing!

=o=

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Boosts the power of water skills.

SKILLS:

Freakin' Leaks! - Can produce limitless fresh hanger water…!

Geyser - Basic water attack. Gush of water erupts from the earth and might fling the feeble…!

Valve - I can control the water flow with this!

=o=

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from dark shards. Glowy red runes on it…! Boosts the power of dark skills. Decreases user's defense and increases attack. Can cut things!

SKILLS:

Revenge - Non-elemental cleaving attack that increases in power when health is lower.

Bloody Mess - User bleeds faster and longer.

=o=

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Made of a lot of weird freakin' parts and stick bits and piston things…

SKILLS:

Boom - Hitting stuff makes booms!

Danmaku Pellet? - Can shoot a yellow pellet, for some reason.

=o=

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself, along with some shoddy enchantments! Lowers defense slightly. Slightly electric and holy elemental.

SKILLS:

Panic Attack! - Run faster when health is lower!

Magic Attack - Physical attacks are converted to magic attacks, and fluidly pass through objects.

Combo Jump - Allows the user to transition to jumping while mid-attack.

Aerial Plus - Forced aerial support! It's vaguely easier to hit aerial foes with it!

Air Slide Plus - Lets the user awkwardly air slide.

Glide - Replaces Brad's double jump skill with gliding.

High Jump - Increased jump height while running.

=o=

Fragile Flower - A cute hanger with floral designs and light colors. Aesthetically pleasing!

SKILLS:

Enfeebled - Wielder has halved physical defense and offense.

Cleanse - Basic healing skill which cleanses one target of all debuffs or status problems.

=o=

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF Maverick Blaster - Harmless foam dart gun toy. When I focus with it, I can fire danmaku NERF darts! Upgraded with an eagle feather and Hina's talisman to inflict confusion and bad luck by default. Negligible non-elemental damage.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy…

==o==

ARMOR:

Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means business, son. Hopefully helps hide me better in the freakin' brush…!

STATS:

One hundred fifty percent ice resistance.

Fifty percent freeze resistance.

Fifty percent dark resistance.

Negative fifty percent fire resistance.

Negative fifty percent burning resistance.

=o=

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

STATS:

Seventy-five percent time resistance.

=o=

Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.

STATS:

Fifty percent sun resistance.

One hundred percent freezing resistance.

One hundred percent blinding resistance.

One hundred percent electrical stunning resistance.

=o=

Lunarian Prototype Space Suit - A suit meant for combat in deep space. So far, it's only got the whole 'exist in deep space' part down…! Has an oxygen tank, but that's only useful if you wear the helmet to go along with it.

STATS:

One hundred percent electricity resistant.

One hundred percent freezing resistant.

Randomly casts Zero Gravity when it feels like it.

Zero Gravity - Area of effect spell which removes gravity from debris and the feeble!

=o=

Lunarian Prototype Deep Space Helmet - It's a freakin' _space_ helmet.

STATS ALONE:

Fifty percent blinding resistant.

STATS: (paired with Lunarian Prototype Space Suit)

One hundred percent electricity resistant. Again, yo!

One hundred percent resistance to burning and poison.

=o=

Testing Oxygen Tank - The oxygen tank used by the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit. Lasts for two and a half minutes! Not meant to actually be used outside of testing, but it's possible. Refills automatically in breathable air.

=o=

MP Prize Pin - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field. For awhile only the user(s) of this badge may pick them up, but after a grace period anyone can.

STATS:

Extends prize grabbing range!

=o=

Sun Badge - A badge that looks like the _sun._ How interesting, dude.

STATS:

 _Fifteen percent_ sun resistant. Wow.

Fifty percent resistance to blinding and electrical stunning.

Replaces the on-impact effect of all weapons with Sunfire Flare.

Sunfire Flare - Flash of light that blinds everyone. Doesn't work on the sun-resistant.

=o=

Stock Outfit - Blue, long-sleeved shirt with a huge V-neck button-up collar. Blue sweatpants. Most balanced outfit.

STATS:

Negative five percent wind resistance.

May make the wearer tired.

=o=

Reimu's Outfit - Shrine maiden clothes, dude. Holy resistant, but I dunno how much! Even comes with the bindings and tubes and ribbon 'n' everything!

Reimu's Ribbon - Man, that's cuddly looking.

Hakurei Arm Sleeves - How do you wear these.

Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Gravity Boots - Boots that reduce the user's gravity! More like, propels them off the floor a little. Reduces the effectiveness of space statuses on the user. Really weird to control…!

==o==

CONSUMABLES/OTHER:

Twenty seven thousand, nine hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!

Four Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Mega Potion - Youkai-like regen for thirty seconds… except for the whole family! Applies to entire party. Good for when we all suck at life!

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Three Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on debuffs, though...

Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Rope of Red Bikinis - Wahaha! Gonna getcha, son!

Some Fancy Key - A key lent to me by Brittany. Wha- why. What's it for…!?

Youkai Exterminator Badge - I still have this, dude! Yo ho ho! Allows me to not be considered a youkai by most guardsmen!

Bone - I got it from a _frozen reindeer_. Why's there only one…!?

==o==

RANDOM CRAP:

Tables and Furniture - Impromptu furnishings!

==o==

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I really have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

==o==

Genkan, the Yuki-onna - A bitter yuki-onna from Gensokyo's wildlands, mostly active in the winter, and on particularly cold days. Heals from ice damage. Commands powerful control over frost, and has a wide variety of ice-affinity attacks. Weak to fire and burning.

SKILLS:

Ice Control - Freely use ice to make stuff. Inherent one hundred percent ice resistance. Negative one hundred fire and burning resistance.

Freeze - Instantly freezes one to two enemies. Low chance of working on stronger foes.

Creaking Freeze - Generates a spinning, magic snowflake in an enemy's body, which instantly freezes them after a moment. High accuracy.

Glacier - Erects a massive blade of ice from the ground, dealing incredible physical ice damage.

Triple Glacier - See above, but on three enemies! As such, costs triple the mana!

Ice Spin - Spins and lashes out with chilling frost. Probably just an extension of her normal frost powers and not an actual skill…

Ice Shard - Advanced ice magic. May freeze enemies. Creates ice magic in their body, and freezes the air around them.

Snow - Make it snow locally. Very minor ambient ice damage to everyone on the battlefield, including allies. Has a low chance to instantly freeze someone for no reason.

Yuki-onna's Embrace - Hug. Binds target close to her. Makes the target tired, severely lowers accuracy and magical defense, and makes them comfortable. Skill may only be performed by yuki-onna. Negative facets reduced by ice and freezing resist. Someone with over a hundred resistance will be buffed and healed by it…!

Yuki-onna's Entombment - Final, optional stage of the hug…! Guaranteed instant death inflicted by the draining of vitality. Heals the user for the heat taken from the target. Does not work well on bosses or the instant death resistant. Instant death proc is nullified if the target's ice or freezing resistance is over fifty percent. Skill may only be performed by yuki-onna.

Other Skills - Probably has more spells, but freakin'... I dunno her like a textbook!

INVENTORY:

Absolute Zero Kimono - A better version of the stock yuki-onna kimono. Has new trims and stuff!

STATS:

Two hundred ice resistance. Genkan only receives one hundred since this is her stock apparel…! Still adds up to two hundred 'cause of her Ice Control skill… and being a yuki-onna and all.

Negative one hundred fire and burning weakness. Doesn't affect Genkan since this weakness is native anyway, but oof.

=o=

Two thousand yen - Her remaining total after spending money on our upgrades.

Bagged Money - Some money Reimu got for us, to pay for our _irreversible trauma_. She's friendly, dude. We haven't counted it out, yet!

I dunno - What would I~ have if I was a sexy ice woman?

[unknown spaces remaining]

==o==

Maria, the Actually Ordinary Magician - A villager from the human village. Used to run the most impoverished bar ever, but that fell under or something. Really low self-esteem! Resistances and weaknesses depend on equipment. Can cast basic elemental spells!

SKILLS:

Fire - Small, homing fireball of doom. May ignite foes! Doesn't do much damage.

Blizzard - Spread shot of big snowflakes. May chill foes.

Thunder - Random spread of bolts in an area! Zaps people…!

INVENTORY:

Pine Frost Staff - Made with pine wood and an icy reagent. Also good for bonking things! Twenty five percent ice resistance, one hundred percent freezing resistance. Negative fifty percent burning resistance.

SKILLS:

Ice Shard - Advanced ice magic. May freeze enemies. Creates ice magic in their body, and freezes the air around them.

Blizzara - Big spread shot of myriad ice chunks, with magical snowflakes whirling around inside them. May freeze foes!

=o=

Casual Freeze Clothes - Casual, neon villager garb. Bright yellow shirt with a blue snowflake stitched onto the front, a bright blue skirt, and a tan vest. Looks about as garish as your regular Touhou, now!

STATS:

Fifty percent ice resistant.

One hundred percent freezing resistant.

=o=

Wood Staff - Good for bonking things!

Magical Lens - A lens that shoots _la~ser bea~ms!_ ...When you input mana into it, anyway, apparently. Gift from Marcus Kirisame!

[Travel Bag] - Inventory that exists! Does not take up inventory because it is inventory. Eight slots.

Two Mana Potions - Guess wha~t? It heals, except mana!

[four spaces remaining]

==o==

Hana, the Electric Fairy Maid - Hello again, friend! You're _fluffy_. Healed by electric magic. Immune to electric stunning!

SKILLS:

Little Zap - Basic electric magic. Zaps a target twice with static from above!

Random Electric - When pressured, uses random electric spells that exist.

Electric Control - With true power, she's able to stun opponents into submission by touching them, apparently.

Electric Elemental - Three hundred percent electric resistant. One hundred percent resistance to electrical stunning.

INVENTORY:

Hana's Fairy Maid Uniform - Stock standard uniform from the mansion! Cyan-tinted in places to match her hair color. Honh...

==o==

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

huh didn't leave an AN for this chapter pre-edit

but yeah party members are soft

we got some GRAVITY BOOTS which should be a marginally more useful navigation enhancer than normal old boots

some more buddhist temple funsies since i've _made a fast food place_ of this environment (although it won't quite be as it should since _current events_ dude)

maybe that will change in future revisals

anyway more sort of serious worldviews! it only figures yo, with how long i've had this party assembled, that they'd start _asking questions yo_

also hot damn this inventory section is like 2.7 k words on its own and nine pages

provided i added it after the doc was already like 13 k words and 41 pages so i don't use it as an excuse to skimp content but dayum

the actual wordcount of this fic is probably sans 300 k at this point XD

or more realistically like… 2 k * total chapters. so right now prior to this update, 198 k words of my total are from inventory stuff give or take, which isn't gruesome but oof

it's also only an approximation 'cause ANs after a certain point are bigger and ANs before a certain point are smaller

...and i don't count the AN part of the inventory summaries since each one is actually unique and differs in size depending on how much i run my mouth

so the actual wordcount of this fic is like 1.1 M prior to this update, in which it'll probably be like… 50 - 60 k real words and 10 k of fake inventory guff

hoh hoh, transparency dude

also _chicken murder_ dude!

as always, see you all next time!


	103. Buddhist Bum Bamboozle! Also, pain!

(in which i get fucking gored son)

Why doesn't this temple have furniture. Genuinely, _every_ time I come here, it's all gone. There was the one time fluffles hoarded it all, but after blowing up a room, it's still all gone. Buddhism's fucking weird, dude…!

"Byakuren's out on business right now…" Kyouko's showed us in! Right now, we're in this empty freakin' tea room she brought us to. "So, um… I'm going to find a trainee to help you guys."

There _is_ a kotatsu, so this isn't so bad. Bumping legs with my party's always going to feel awkward…!

"Ah…" Maria's come down with the awkwardness I have from this situation, I can feel it! "Tha- thank you."

...With that, Kyouko romps off. She's cuddly, dude.

…

"This wasn't _exactly_ what I had planned." Now staring at me, Genkan makes a confession. "It makes this visit worthwhile, however."

Oh, right, we're having an addict's anonymous intervention about my lack of caring about my personal well-being. "It was just a passing conversation point…!" Time to talk my way out of this shit…! "If we hadn't talked about it, yo-"

Genkan interjects! "It's not that it's a problem." Oh, man, we're getting _technical dude._ "...It simply strikes me as curious." So it is a problem…!?

"I dunno." Looking idle, Maria seems to relax… "I just kinda went with what that girl wanted us to do…" No son, you _were_ worried. Maybe she reconsidered, though...

...You know, I think we all did.

Well, while we're waiting for a not-Byakuren to show up, I guess I'll drag this on, yo. "S'there really a problem, with like… not caring _excessively_ about getting walloped?" In the land of healing bots and health potions…

Speaking of, Seikatsu is just… uncomfortably close to my back, standing in a t-pose like usual. Man, this scene's fucking weird…!

"Not… genuinely." Genkan lowers her guns, dude… "I was simply suggesting you take better care of yourself. Perhaps take a few days to relax, instead of do… whatever it is that you do. Eat more, sleep more, if only for awhile. I've never met a human- barring, perhaps, the incident resolvers- who's been quite so… enveloped, in their day to day activities."

...I've never really looked at that as an _option._ I'll think about it, but I doubt it'll happen soon! "I bet there's at least _one_ person like me out there." That just kinda jumped into my head.

"They're likely just as run ragged as _you._ " Genkan, what is with this freakin'... doting!?

"What _have_ you been eating before we had food now and then?" All this discussion incites Maria to mutiny against me as well!

...I'm kinda grinnin' like an idiot right now 'cause I _don't know how to respond to this kind of thing_. Not that I'm taking it as a joke- but hahahaa~nh…! "Uh. Heheh- umm." Also fuck. I keep alluding to that like I'm breaking the fourth wall, but now it's coming back to bite me in the ass…!

Wait, yeah. "Waffles and pancakes!" O~n occasion! And, drinkwise, I've got that water hanger whenever I've really needed a quenching. It actually works _pretty well_. I also haven't developed a horrible disease from it, so I'm doing pretty good!

"No wonder you're malnourished." Genkan monotones…! "Those multi-vitamins should do you well."

Yeah, they kick ass. I feel like I could whack Suika's face in with Fairy Harp and make her _sneeze_.

The door to our room slides open, and a dude steps in-

"Oh, he~y!" It's the man man with the plan, man! "Stormy~ titmilker!" Trainee, huh!? Yeah, he makes a good not-Byakuren, dude!

"Oh, _fuck._ " He recoils upon seeing me! "Nine hells. _Eighteen_ hells. Multiple-"

 _Fwap._ Kyouko lightly beans her broom on his head! "Just get in there and help! That Brad guy's suicidal!" I'm a what now!?

"He's what?" Genkan snaps her gaze to them!

"Ah?" Maria snaps into alertfulness!

"I'm who!?" What's up man what's going on aa~h!?

...Stormy tilts towards her. "And, that's a problem…?"

 _Whack!_ Kyouko hits him harder!

"Ow, fuck. Fine." Shaking his head, he drags his feet towards me. "...What, you want me to kill you?" Pfft-

" _STORMY!_ " Oh my god, Kyouko, my _ears._

Stormy actually seems to cringe in fear from her volume! "Shi- shit, okay, sorry! U- um…!"

…

Maria sticks a finger into her ear and twists it a little. "Haha… ow."

"There's not even a problem." I'm shuttin' this down right now, son. Five simple words. Buddhists _hate_ this one easy trick, click now. "I'm _not_ suicidal, yo. I'm _fluffy._ "

"But…" Kyouko furrows her brows…

...As Stormy slides into the remaining space of the kotatsu, Kyouko slips in next to him, to his surprise!

"But you were like…" She seems to be searching for what I said. Ho ho, yo. Perhaps her memory isn't-

"If I die yo, I die. It's a cruel world after all, dude." ...She said that _in my voice_. Also- I didn't think she heard us at the _bottom_ of the stairs…! "That's like…"

"He was making a jeer." Genkan makes a solid counter-statement! "We apologize for the inconvenience."

This information causes Kyouko to just pout at me. Stormy seems to doubletake at Genkan's _mere presence_ , and Maria just tilts her head…

The kotatsu's blanket is _dull brown_ , dude. Just thought we all needed to know this vital symbolic information.

Wait- when you flip the hem of the blanket around, the inside's a lighter orange! Oh my _go~d_ , du-

"Ah, yes." Stormy nodded, after a moment. "She was the snow woman who helped with that she-devil, I remember now."

Genkan gently tilted her head to face him. "Who are you?"

"Nevermind, I _don't_ remember you." Stormy retraces his steps! "Completely forgettable. Who would ever remember you?"

...Genkan begins to glare at him!

"That is not to say…" Grinning, he begins to take his steps that he traced through again! "That you are… _genuinely_ forget-"

"Just stop…" Kyouko saves his life. "I think you, um, ruined it."

...Stormy rolls his eyes. "Well, now that you _say that-_ "

"He ruined it well before he said anything." Genkan spills some shade, yo…!

...Stormy smirked at his canine friend. "I thought we were here to discuss someone else's suicidal intentions, not _mine._ "

"I'm not as good at these things as Byakuren…" Kyouko shies into her seat… "I'm sorry about this, guys."

"Oh, don't be." I'm kinda surprised Genkan's reacting to her before any of us. At the same time, maybe I shouldn't be…! "The venture we took here was meaningful, and evoked a needed discussion." ...But was it _really_ , though. Hmm. Hoh…

...Warm kotatsu, dude. Brazen fluff…

...I begin to shift out of the kotatsu. Too warm!

"I don't think we've had a proper moment to figure out who the hell each other was." Despite all odds, Stormy makes an attempt at extending communications! ...He looks back and forth between my cuddlefriends. "Do any of you even know _who_ I am?"

"Forgettable." Genkan forgot!

"I don't think we ever found out…" Maria gives him a smile! "...So um-"

"Not that it matters!" He interjects! "...Stormy now, as it is. As in, that's my name. Mrm." He's smooth, dude.

...After giving him a _glance,_ Kyouko gets up, noticing me, Genkan, or _both_ get antsy about the kotatsu…! "I think I'll show you guys around, or get you some snacks, since you came all this way. Follow me…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The prospect of snacks was tempting. _Snacks_ , dude.

"In here…" Kyouko gently pushes a wood door open and romps inside, and we follow!

Oh, yeah, this kitchen place! Table in the midst, and counters and stove stuff along the edges.

"Wo~w…" Maria, I think we've seen better kitchens. Although, this _is_ better than almost all human village kitchens...

...There's a tired-looking woman in monk robes here. She doesn't look like a touhou… and she's got earth green hair! She must be cuddly.

Aw, dude! There's that yuki-onna! The one that tried to suck out my soul through her boobs! She's having _cereal,_ dude. At _midday._

"Hau~..." She yawns.

...Stepping up to the table, I slide one of the chairs out, rotate it upside down, and place it atop the table, on my side; so that the seat part of it would rest against the table top.

The girls just _look at me_ , only half-registering this event…

"You…" Genkan recognizes the girl! "You're a yuki-onna."

The pale-skinned girl looks up at her! "A- ah…"

...That was a good conversation, dude. Alright, that's it…

Drawing my NERF gun, I point it at Stormy! "I'm blamin' you for this, son…!"

...It takes him a moment to register what just happened! "Is- is that a NERF gun? Do they sell those, around here?"

"I brought it in wit' me." I lower it a little, making casual discussions... "I bet Kourindou's got one _somewhere._ " Yukari, I need more NERF implements of mass foam destruction.

...Stormy smirks at me. "What the hell's a Kourindou?" Alright, son.

 _Pop!_ I fire a danmaku dart at him, after some focusing!

It bounces off of his chest. "...Nice waste of a~..."

Stumbling to the side, he blinks his eyes hard a few times. "Wha~t the fu~ck…!?"

Kyouko giggled! "Aheh- Stormy, are you, um…"

...Softly, he sits down on his _ass,_ on the floor. "Oo~h. When the _drugs hit…_ "

I should call these 'five gum' darts. Wahaha!

...After a moment of being somewhere between concerned and amused, Kyouko looks at me! "What'd you do to him…?"

 _Pop!_ I fire a dart at her-

She slides out of the way and swings her broom-

Ow- ow, ow! She launched _red arrow_ bullets at me…!

"Nnn- _no._ " Regarding me chidingly, she shakes her head gently… "Besides, Byakuren gave me something for status effects, since I'm always in the front yard…"

She holds out a dreamcatcher! "She says she's got a few. They seem to help against bad statuses. I don't know about that luck thing you did, though…"

How'd you know, dude, how'd you know? Hmm…

One glance over at Genkan tells me she's conversing with her snow sister. "What's your name?"

...The yuki-onna glances in her direction. "...I- I still haven't, um… I-..."

Genkan's expression softens. "How old are you?"

Man, the tone of this conversation is totally different from me and Kyouko's! "...I was told I was... one hundred and fifty-two?"

Genkan blinks! "...Genuinely?"

...Now that I scan the ceiling… was that hole up there always there? It's not like a _hole_ hole, it's a square, trimmed opening that leads up to another floor entirely. Why's that…?

"Also, um…" Kyouko beckons for me!

Turning, I take a glance at Maria as she steals some cookies from a nearby jar, and- oh. Kyouko's poking Seikatsu with a broom. "Who is, um…"

Oh. "My mom."

"O- oh, okay." Kyouko nods, looking away quickly…! "Sorry."

Sorry 'bout what now. Oh well, yo.

... _Crunch._

We look over at Maria, who thefted a cookie. She stares back into our souls…!

Alright, I'm gonna find out what's up there, dude. "Hey, friend." I get Kyouko's attention this time! "What's up there?" I point up at the square bit in the ceiling.

...Kyouko glances up at it. "I dunno. It… _was_ covered up. I don't wanna~... hmm." She seems ta be thinkin' aloud.

Woah! Oh, right. Should be _used_ to people just flying whenever they feel like it…! Kyouko drifts up and into the hole. I'm pretty sure I just got to see her panties, but I was too surprised to actually pay attention.

…

"Who're you?" Kyouko speaks to someone!

"O- oh, I…" Soft voice. "...Eheh. I'm just, um, looking for treasure." Still soft voice.

"In our temple…" Kyouko puts it bluntly, sounding curiously enthused at the same time.

"In your temple." It's not _Marisa_ , if that's what you're all thinking! S'a bit more gentle than her voice is.

...After a moment-

 _Clack!_ _Maribel_ drops out of the gap in the ceiling, landing evenly on both plain black shoes. "Oof…"

"It's you!" Hoh, shit! "What were ya doin' in the ceiling!?"

...Looking up at me, Merry tilts her head. "Wha-... you're not in the village?"

"I actually am." I confess. "What you're seeing right now is a holographic projection, because I've been killed by the nugget order." What kinda question's that, son…!?

...Ignoring my nonsense, Merry looks around the room-

"Alright…" Stormy's back in action! "Now I'm mad."

"I'm glad." I give him a glad hand. By which I mean, I hold out a hand for no reason.

...He slaps it away! "And I'm mad!"

I grab the hand he used to slap mine away, and start shaking it. "Nice ta meet'cha…"

Oh, man, if looks could kill, son!

"Before you guys kill each other…" Merry steps in- what is with that VCR disaster on a stick she's holding between us. "Where is this? I mean-... not _you_ , them. Yeah."

...We just kind of stare at her. Stormy's _stuck on that one_ , so I answer for him. "Home."

Merry frowns at me! "Hey, hey. Seriously."

"Myouren temple!" I am now serious! "Myou~ren." Myo~n. I need to see more Youmu, at some point. I've met her like _once_ in this _entire story,_ and only as a background character. As in, I was pretty much in the background of her activities the entire time! Y'know what yo, we were _both_ side characters. Little did we know, this is all part of Maria's epic ten novel journey to becoming the ninja emperor.

"...Oh, that place." Adjusting her _poofiest hat,_ Merry stared ahead…

That's it, I need to toss a fluffle at that hat. I need to dehat her. I'm a terrible person.

Moving away from the fluffy Merry, I casually progress towards the counter Maria's by. Crouching down, I open the shelves…

"honh" There's a small friend, hiding in a _miniature wash basin_. Oh- dude…! He has _friends!_

...Claiming the wash basin, I stand up and progress towards Merry. "Dude. Dust _friends._ "

"Oh my go~d." She stares at them warily. "Why were they just in the _cabinet?"_

...After showing her the dust friends, I take one and toss it at her face.

She ducks under it, and it steals her hat. Mission success.

...As she stands, she looks up, noticing it gone! "Wha- no~...!"

"I've dehatted you." I've committed a terrible crime.

"Yes, I know…!" She goes to retrieve her hat from the fluffle behind her! "Gimme…"

...It tries to shy away, hiding the hat by smothering it with itself. Merry just picks up the entire fluffle.

...She sticks her nose near it-

"A- a- _Chnkgh!"_ She sneezes into her sleeve, hard! "O- ow…"

...She gives the fluffle a menacing stare!

 _Fwoof._ It _dissipated._ She _killed it_ , dude. Crushed it to death with her bare hands!

While she readjusts her hat, whipping dust off of it, I nod. "You're all dusty."

"Who the hell are you?" Stormy's had enough antics! He's givin' Merry a _distrustful stare._

Kyouko drifts back down out of the ceiling room, holding a bowl of fruit. "He~y. I found some cool stuff!"

"Nnh. _Fruit._ " Stormy scowls at the fruit… before turnin' his attention back to Merry! "Anyway- who the hell're you?"

"She's Merryweather, dude." Stormy weather, meet Merryweather! "Merry Christmas."

...He just gives me a _stare._ "You know too many people."

...That sleepy monk is now sleeping, lying half on the table. She gave up, yo.

Genkan drifts up to me, that yuki-onna following drowsily beside her. "We're going into the temple yard, to practice magic." Ooo~.

"Aw, magic." That sounds magical. "I should come see." You're both fluffy.

"Oh, yeah…" Merry looks over at me! "I think I thought of some way to show you, um, some things…"

"Oh, yeah!" That reminds me! "I know of danmaku _fu_ , dude!" I point my NERF gun at Merry!

"Yeah, I-..." Merry almost says something…? "Yeah! Cool…?"

...Well, okay then, yo. I'm gonna shoot ya fer that!

 _Pop!_ I fire at her! She freakin', up and slides out of the way almost like Kyouko, somehow-

 _Pop! Pop!_ I'm gonna gun ya down, son!

Eventually, one dart hits her 'cause she _slides into it_ -

 _Thud._ As a direct result, Merry fell over. "O- oh, wo- woah, _woah woah…!_ " Looking up at the sky, she becomes increasingly more baffled…! And-

Oh, shit! Gaps're just opening randomly in the air around her! Now I've done 'n' done did it, dude!

Like, all around her, just a web of _gaps_ spiral out and extend into the air around us. I think I _broke a script or something, son_...

There's a glimmer, as Renko appears _briefly_ visible before me, before _not existing_. What.

...Then, while Merry lies on the floor, multiple images of Renko appear in the air as if _I'm_ drunk and confused, seeing them in my own vision. "Um…"

"Wa- whah…" Maria sees 'em, too! She flails her arms to bat one of the Renko's away-

"Ow…" She _actually hit the split image of Renko_ , making all the copies of her cringe. What the fuck's going on…!?

"What…!?" Snapping out of mesmerization at the visual, Genkan yells! "What's this!?"

"I've ushered forth the poofy apocalypse!" It's raining Renkos! "We're all going to _die!"_

" _What!?_ " Oh, shit! I forgot, Genkan might take that seriously-

"Should've brought my _fucking_ \- agh…!" Stormy gets bowled over by one of Renko's images-

Kyouko looks over from the bowl of fruit she sat down, and her jaw drops…! "What? Oh, no!"

All the Renko's fall over in response to colliding with Stormy. Oh _fuck-_

She falls onto me! Aa~h!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...Well. We've dealt with… the _Renko effect_ , dude.

Merry's sitting in front of a fire I made, shivering. "Ge- geez…" She's also partially frozen. Icy chunks're flopping off of her features as she warms up…! Long story short, Genkan didn't like the Renko-pocalypse.

We're now out in the temple yard! It's nice and sunny, and probably ten below! ...Well, not really, but I thought that sentence sounded nice.

"I'm going to blame all of you, for that." Stormy had this wooden cannon on his shoulder now…! "If it happens again, I'm shooting all of you."

...Genkan turns to him.

"With _danmaku._ " He stresses…! "Don't actually kill me, please. Contrary to popular belief, I actually kind of _like_ living."

Sated, Genkan focuses on me and her yuki-friend again…

"So!" That was a _thing,_ and it _happened!_ "I dunno what all _that shit_ was! An' I dunno if I _wanna_."

"I- I…" Merry hugged herself, the ice falling off her arms. "I don't think… I can explain."

Kyouko's near the fire, next to her, rubbing her hands together and keeping warm. She only spared Merry a glance for her comment, before focusing on the small bonfire again…

... _fwoof._ A small fluffle stuck its head out of the temple yard next to me-

 _Fwash!_ Genkan thrust a hand forward, turning it into a small icicle. "...Like so."

"Aah…" Her yuki-friend swallowed, nervous. "...I- I've been trying, but…"

"I fail to see how you're as old as you are and still so undeveloped." Drifting forward, looking somewhat disdained, Genkan leans over and-

 _Clink._ She tore the fluffsicle from the ground. "You… know nothing of yourself, either. You're quite the anomaly."

"So I've… heard." The yuki-onna seems to deflate. She's currently clad in a monk robe-esque kimono… fit with gold trims and brown robe goodness, yo. "I- I don't have much mana capacity, either."

For whatever reason, Genkan hands her the fluffsicle. "I've noticed. Your body, mind, and spirit are far younger than someone who's supposed to be my better."

...Stormy steps up to them, while the rest of us are idle. "Pftah, spare your pity. _Snowy_ here is quite adept at technical manipulation and magical concepts. She's just… shy, as it were."

...Genkan rose a brow. "Snowy?"

'Snowy' fidgeted. "...That's what he calls me."

Hoh. Didn't she originally want 'yuki'? Which… is just Ja _pwn_ enes _eses_ for 'snow'.

"How _dishonorable._ " Genkan doesn't like it, though! Glaring over at Stormy, she winds herself up to talk 'em down. "...It would do you well to _respect_ those around you."

His expression is bland, and he mutters his response. "...What if I _don't...?_ "

"What?" Genkan leans in to listen better!

Takin' some steps back, he scowls at Genkan…! "We~ll, she hasn't really _named herself yet._ She wanted 'yuki', but Byakuren outright told her no."

...Genkan shifted her gaze to 'Snowy'. "Perhaps for the better. I know five named so, and heard of plenty more. It's… it gets confusing."

"Oh…" 'Snowy' just deflates a little…!

You know, the temple yard's kind of weird. From _around_ the temple, it appears perfectly square and just like a big concrete building. But, this yard is like… almost as big as the temple's exterior seemed to be. Why's _every_ structure in Gensokyo got proportions fit for freakin' DOOM or Duke Nukem levels? Well- barring the human village's shit, of course, which is almost unbelievably dismal. Freakin'...

There seems to be some kinda platform of _stones_ in the middle, against one of the walls; styled like a theater platform. Otherwise, columns are at the edges of the yard- similar to the outside- and keeping the place from _eating itself alive son_. And by _that_ , I mean supporting the ceiling edges!

Due to the few dead trees in here, I was able to make that tiny bonfire from earlier! Sticks and kindlings, dude.

"Achoo…" Merry _sneezed._ "It- it's fine. I'm- yeah." ...She wasn't looking at anyone in _particular_ as she said this.

"Good, yo." I act like she was talking to me! "I'm glad."

...Merry looks up at me while I smile and nod. Honh honh _honh_ , friend.

"...Ahah." She realizes my realization! "Yeah, um. Yeah." Yeah um yeah.

Maria's out here, too, but she's not warming up by the fire. " _Blizzara!"_

 _Fwa~sh!_ A chunky spread of translucent ice rocks splash from her staff as she swings it!

 _Thump._ The training dummy leans back a little from the impact. Yeah, Maria's across the yard beating up one of many surprisingly impervious stick and straw dummy people.

...While Genkan and the weather-related people talk about their stuff and things, I approach the fire- holy shit that's warm nevermind I don't approach the fire.

"So!" I've been noticing this for a little while now, but…! "...Merry Poppins."

"...Ah?" It took her a moment because of how weird I said her name! "What's up?"

Adopting a big, cheesy smile- from my local animal shelter, naturally- I nod at her with enough artificial sweetener to make my cheeks hurt. "Do yo~u have an _imaginary friend_ , dude?"

…

I think I broke her. It's taking her a moment to respond…!

Finding her voice after being _thoroughly disarmed_ , she soothes my inquiry, dude. "U- um… I- if you want to _look it it that way_. It's… easier, so yeah. Yes." That was a good way of putting that!

"Aw, what's he- _their_ name, dude?" We're both bad at lying out our asses today, friend.

...Merry pressed me! "You almost said her."

I give her an impatient nod. "Yeah- and you're freakin' engaging in _telepathic sex_ with Renko. _Telesex._ " The _sneakiest kind_ … _!_

"Wha- no~...!" She shakes her head, which is at least three times fluffier than it should be because of that poofy hat of hers. "It- it's just, like, telepathy! Not- how would you even…?"

Questions I need to ask Satori: is it possible to have telesex? ...And, has she _tried?_

Well, anyway. "So, how'd ya end up here, yo? In the _roof?"_ I thought I was the crazy bastard who accesses the rooms built for no reason other than to house treasure to be found by crazy bastards. Also, fruit bowls, apparently. Maybe it was a _para-pantry_...

...Standing up once she was adequately warm, Merry turns to me properly to speak 'n' stuffs. "Well. I ended up in the woods nearby, 'cause um… after I got pulled out of nearly getting killed in that bar, I've just kind of been exploring. Then I nearly died again because this girl captured me and I got warped out again, and I wandered in here and started looking around."

...Aw. It's my turn to _furrow the brows_ , as the hip kids would say. "Ya freakin' nearly died _again?_ I didn't take you for a~ daredevil…!"

She snorts. "Yeah, well- once I nearly died there and just got teleported away- and I _know_ Yukari did it, she even said so- I ran off into the forest and just started looking around... and one thing led to another."

I suppose that makes sense! "You should try skydiving now. Believe you can fly, dude."

"I don't think she'll save me if I just keep being stupid, though." Merry grins 'n' shakes her head… "I don't know why she saved me to begin with…"

I might have a few ideas. "Who knows, dude, who knows." ...But, on another note! "You have new weapons, dude!"

"I know!" Almost surprising herself by following the change in topic, she reaches out, and just _takes_ that big dumb mass of VCRs and vintage home video machinery out of _somewhere in gap space._ "...It, u~h… it boosts the power of electric skills, for one thing."

The _electric_ weapon, huh. I wish I had a- wait a moment, don't I? _Technically._ It's not a 'I am obviously your electric weapon because I boost the power of electric skills' weapon, but…

I take out Million Bucks! "I have a _small loan_ of a _million dollars_." All these group fights made me forget I had this. Hell, the last time I tested it was like, the _last_ time I visited here alone.

...Speaking of remembering things, I turn around to see Seikatsu behind me. Freakin'...

Idea. "Seikatsu, cloak!"

 _Fli- flick._ Aha~h… she can cloak! After a brief moment, the healing robot flickers out.

"Wha…?" Merry's confused.

I walk up to the invisible Seikatsu-

"Ompf." -and I bump her! Her form flickers into partial visibility, before going back into invisibility.

...If I have this healbot on me at all times for now, I could _totally_ just go ham with my most self-destructive weapons. Blow away the competition!

"What _is_ that?" Merry's intrigued!

"Tiny." _Issa long story._ "Basically, she's a medic robot from another dimension, made by not-Eirin or some shit."

"...Okay." Merry just kind of ignores it for her mental health! "That's- okay…"

"I'm kinda glad I don't leave the temple!"

Oh, right, Kyouko's just been watching us be weird for the past ten minutes. Hoh…

 _Fwa- fwash!_ Genkan and 'Snowy' freeze some freakin' rocks in the background-

 _Fwa~sh!_ Maria slams her training dummy with ice magic again!

I move towards the training dummy next to Maria! "Show me your _skills_ , dude." I swear, if Merry has a whole repertoire of electric spells out of nowhere…!

...Stepping up, and holding her giant club of VCR boxes, she points it at the training dummy-

 _Ka- klank, ka- klank, ka- klank!_ She fires VCR tapes out of one of the topmost boxes, and they patter off the dummy.

"Aw." The best attack. That's something I'd have…!

"Ha~h…" Channeling mana into the 'hanger' of VCR boxes, Merry crouches down awkwardly and thrusts it into the ground-

 _Vuum- zip, zip, zip._ A cage of red, blue and green… particles, columns? These solid, luminescent particles surround the training dummy-

 _Thunk._ The dummy tilts back, electrical energy locking it up as the cage dissipates.

 _Fwoa~sh._ …For some weird reason, a wave of healing energy runs up Merry's form after the attack. "Oh. Yeah, I almost... forgot about that."

Apparently it _heals her_ for some reason, too. "Why do VCRs _heal you._ "

"I _don't know…"_ She's about as deeply confused as I am about this matter.

Fridge logic: if I'd actually worn the sun badge _ever_ , Ha-chan wouldn't have stunned me as bad during Touhou sixteen- I mean the fairy rapemania. Shieu~t! That thing gave fifty percent electric stun resist…!? Why on a _sun badge?_ Aaa~h!

...Let's see, how does Million Bucks work again…?

I jump, and- oo~h ho ho ho! Right, no more double jump, it makes me glide instead…! "Wahaha~! I can fly~...!?" ...S'more like _falling in style,_ but imagine-

"Wh- whah!?" -the surprise! Yo ho ho! "What'd you do!?" Merry leaps back, taken by the event!

...Maria watches me _glide over_ her training dummy. "A- ah…!?"

...Actually, you know what this makes me brave enough to do?

As I drift forward, I bring my body up and kick forward with my leg! Enh-

 _Thud._ It resulted in the glide canceling, leaving me to fall on my _ass._ However, I did get to kick, so that might be a thing I can do!

...Getting back up, I see the girls jog over to me!

Maria's up first! "You can fly…!?"

"Ah…!" Merry's question was _stolen,_ dude. From her _mind!_

...After a moment of _smug grinning_ accompanied by not knowing what to say, I make due! "It's _falling with style_ , yo…!"

They dunno what to make of that response. Hoh, hoh hoh!

Genkan and Snowy're still practicing ice magic on the other end of the yard. Let's go gank 'em…!

Jogging past the fluffy ones, I come up to them. Stormy seems to be over with Kyouko now, outta the way of things…

 _Fwa~sh._ They froze some kind of whirling mass of dust and shit. Actually- what the fuck was that. Ah, whatever.

Hup! I leap- and then I sail forward, drifting around the side of the friends…!

...It takes Genkan a moment. "Wait…"

Oh, right, I can't turn like-

Dude. Dude dude dude.

Some moments later, I skid to the floor on my belly. There's a bunch of frozen fluff stuff and dust creatures around me…!

"You can fly…?" Curious, Genkan drifts up to me- and she's close…! "Did you learn just now?"

"It's fallin' wit' style!" I'll have to clarify it's just gliding at some point! "Also…"

Crouching down, I turn on my hover boots!

And- oh shit, I'm floating up…! Alright- so what if I try to glide while freakin' hovering on the ground…!? Now we're thinkin' wit' portals, dude!

Spreading my limbs out, I drift forward- oh fuck shit-

 _Thud!_ I shield my face with my arms! I _nosedived_ into the ground-

 _Oh shit!_ Woah- woah, woah, woah…! I- oh, fuck me… holy-

 _Pap_. The whirlwind of sky and floor visuals stops on a dime! Which sort of _hurts_ , but I didn't slam my everything into anything.

...Genkan seems to have caught me, preventing me from doing a decuple flip-into-wall-faceplant technique. "...Wha- what exactly…" She's finding it hard to talk through her mirth…!

"I- I fell with style…" I fell so hard I broke gravity and tried to fall into a _wall._ She's holding me upside down…!

"...I don't think that's how you use 'style'." Rotating me around- woah, hands on my _side flesh_ … Genkan gets me back upright, basically! "I wouldn't… _recommend_ that again."

Hoh. With that, Genkan lets me go, and I drift away from her involuntarily.

...Sliding away Million Bucks, I try to test my double jump- oh. I can't, since this has all technically been one really long second jump. That's lame!

...Crouching again, I turn off my boots-

-oof, there we are. Now, turn them _back on_ -

Yo ho ho! Ascending a few feet above the floor, I ready myself… and-

Jump! I-...

Woah, that's some height. That propelled me over the temple walls, and now I can see the roof. And, uh, it's kind of- not kind of, _really_ awkward-looking up here. I can see where the _actual_ temple is supposed to begin and end, and it's awkwardly shorter than how big this yard actually is. Like, the fake rooftop of this _courtyard space_ extends into a big field of wood planks, and just tapers off well past the temple, as if the roof was a gradient, and the color that wasn't 'roof' was totally opaque.

...Like, in simpler terms, past the hillside that the temple was on, you could see the like, actual world- village, trees, so forth. But prior to that was this weird visual clutter outside of the actual dimensions of the temple…

...Once I plummet to the floor, my gravity boots slow my fall and stop me from even connecting with the dirt. These are actually pretty good! A little clunky, but pretty good for my boots slot!

"I saw out of bounds, dude…!" I grin at the girls as they approach me…! "I've seen things no man was meant to see!"

...I think Maria and Genkan are allocating this crazy flight stuff to my boots, judging by their glances.

"Wa- ah…" Merry's speechless, though! "...How?"

...While it's on my mind, and I've got the idea, I've gotta do this!

Floating in place a little, I reach into my bag, 'n' take out Hard Winter since it's my longest thing. "Genkan! I need an ice sheet big enough for me ta stand on on the edge 'a this!" I hold out Hard Winter for emphasis…!

...Eyebrows raised, she decides to comply, holding a hand out-

 _Fwa~sh!_ Aw, thin sheet, dude. Now the hanger's even heavier…! But, I won't be swingin' it, so that's fine.

Crouching down, I hold the sheet under my gravity boots.

...Slowly, I ascend! And ascend…!

Oh my god, this just lets me go _up._ I can just keep going, and I never have to worry about anything. Except getting shot by a boy, that might prove problematic, but like this I can fall and rise as I want. Not so much horizontal things, but holy shit. Rest in piece flail-o-copter, this is infinitely better.

...After traveling well above the temple, I rotate Hard Winter around, and begin to descend again. With the boots enabled, it's still a uh, _alarmingly fast_ descent, but from the numerous times I've plummeted to my death, I can say… I'm not plummeting to my death as quickly!

Wind whips past me as I grin involuntarily, coming towards the- where's the courtyard. After ascending high enough, the weird space outside the courtyard vanished, and now it's just temple rooftop.

Rotating Hard Winter around again, I let myself slow down before getting close to the roof, and-

There we are, yo. Close enough to the roof to just hold my stuff normally, and… tilt forward. Hoh!

Floating ahead, I drift off the air above the roof, and slowly drop down to the front yard. Down here I uh… hmm. I drift towards the temple front door _backwards._

...Oof. I hit the _door._

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

So it turns out the courtyard was like, kind of a pocket dimension! And, if you go up high enough, you just _leave it._ Good to know...!

"Come back soo~n." Kyouko waves at us, despite us all standing right before her at the front gate. "Once the village thing blows over, everyone should be back."

"...How many more days do you think it'll take them?" Stormy turned to his canine friend… "Two? Four, hopefully?"

"I dunno." She gave him a dry stare… "What do you mean 'hopefully'?"

"Oh, nothing." He turns away bluntly, staring into nothing! "I _certainly_ am not enjoying time without the majority of them, no no no."

...Kyouko's stare towards him is blank.

"In other words, I miss getting crushed by an anchor to wake up on time." Stormy's gettin' poundcaked, dude! "Completely and honestly."

...Smiling at us, Kyouko waves again! "Have fun, guys!"

Meanwhile, an alternative conversation was happening just next to them, 'Snowy' and Genkan having a _staredown._

"...If you're happy here, I see no reason to heckle you." Genkan reassures the yuki-friend once again. "Again, I see why you're receptive, but… I've been thinking."

'Snowy' just kinda stares at her. After looking around at the brisk forest outside the temple gates, she focuses on Genkan again. "Okay."

"I didn't know some of my sisters saw it fit to bother you." Staring straight into the yuki-friend's _soul_ , Genkan gave her some reassurance. "There's no logic in restricting you."

…

I think that's been enough goodbyes! "Alright, yo! _Warp speed!"_ Turning around, I crouch and flick the switches on my boots- wohohoah! "Yo ho ho~!" Floating up, I'm carried forward and into the space above the stairs, allowed to slowly drift down them instead of actually take them!

"He- hey, wait…!" Holding a nearly empty jar of cookies, Maria cautiously romps down the stairs after me…!

...Turning around as I _descend_ , I- oh, wow, I actually got pretty far down in no time at all. Here comes Genkan, floating after me…!

I try to float up after her-

 _Thunk._ Ow, what the fuck did I- oh. I hit Seikatsu, who was just _there_ , and also invisible, which is my fault.

...Once she reaches me, Genkan turns and waits for Maria.

Hoh. The day hit an overcast moment, because clouds. The sky is not completely cloudless! But the few clouds that are there are _fluffy._

"...For some reason, sisters of mine are harassing the yuki-onna living here." Genkan informed me! "Apparently."

...I hold onto Seikatsu to stabilize myself, 'cause once you go _forward_ with this thing, there's no stopping! Unless you were _really_ good at counterbalancing it, but I ain't…! "Ah. S'that so…?"

"It _is_ so." She watches Maria get closer…

Hoh. Although, that does make me curious. "Why d'ya think that would be?"

...After looking at me, almost processing what I said, she comes up with an answer. "Some of them _are_ , admittedly, distrusting and tempramental. Despite this, I don't think getting talked off by them would be enough reason to fear their ire. She was afraid."

Afraid, huh. That's weird… or not, considering she seemed like, eternally freakin' terrified of life. If I remember correctly, she only remembers being a _human_ , and if she's like a hundred fifty _now_ or something like that… then the last time she was human was before Gensokyo existed! Hohohoh, shit! Talk about whiplash!

Once Maria reaches us, there's only a few cookies left. "Let's go, go, go!" She's hyped up on sugar…!

"Yeah, dude!" It's running people the fuck over time! Letting go of Seikatsu, I slip forward in the air! "Ho ho~!"

"Hold on, let me lead…!" Genkan moves to surpass us because we just took off like a buncha freakin' morons!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Woah, shit. The forest of magic is freakin' _weird_ when just flying around on jackass boots. I keep awkwardly going up and down because of how weird the ground is! And, I don't _really_ wanna get too close to the canopy, 'cause it's freakin' _intimidating, son._ I mean, look at those leaves shimmer, dude. Like they're about to snap my neck!

...Genkan floats somewhere in the air nearby, holding onto Maria because the ground is just shitstains this way unless we're all roughin' it. "We should be almost there…"

To our right is more magic forest, but to the left is just kinda… dead trees and stuff, because that's _not_ magic forest; it's just regular forest. We're like traveling along the edge, and I can _kinda_ recognize it as the path Genkan took me across the first time she freakin' abducted me.

 _Fwi- fwish!_

Oh, right, the _real_ reason the magic trees are freakin' terrifying me.

To our right, one of those formless vine things drop out of the tree nearest us, waving its 'limbs' randomly…!

"Hoh…" I regard it idly as we keep moving along side the magic forest!

"We should be nearly there." Genkan informed us plainly!

...Oh, yeah, I can see the top of the not-a-mountain from here, now. Just a big freakin' _rock_ that houses the entrance to her cave.

Pretty quickly, we glide through the last of the brush, and meet the alcove shielded by the big, jagged rock and some trees. There's some spikes of ice protruding from the dirt in places I don't recognize…

As Genkan lands, I crouch 'n' flick off my big boy boots-

 _Thud._ Oh- ow _ow_ fuck, landed on my ass. I didn't expect that fall…

 _Vuu~m._ Seikatsu's healing energy kicks in to unsprain my ankle, because I'm pretty sure I- _oh yeah ow yeah…_

...Taking a moment, Genkan snaps her gaze back at me. "...Are you okay?"

I stand an' stop wincing! "Now I am!" I _was not_ , but the~ situation improved! Reminder: buy more potions, because this new navigation enhancer has a chance to fuck me over, and I don't _actually_ know how long Seikatsu will stick to our ass for.

...She sets Maria down-

"A- aoh- nnh…" Maria almost eats shit, but catches herself at the last moment. "Woah…" I think that sugar high wore off.

Genkan looks at her with vague concern! "Are _you_ okay."

...It takes Maria a moment to look at her and respond. "O- oh? Just tired…"

Running ahead of the friends, I bound towards the ice cave! Still built into a _big rock_ an' everything...

...Yeah, dude. It's just as icy and cavey as I remember it. Except, instead of being just easy to breathe in 'cause _super dry air_ , for some reason being inside just feels _good._

"Hoo hoo." Bright, shiny icicles! The ice of this cave still glitters dimly with magic energy…!

...Genkan floats past me, before immediately slowing. "There's someone in here." Ooh?

"Who's that, yo?" Who's that pokemo~n!? ...Nnh.

"It's someone I know. You and Maria need to stay behind me." Turning around with _vague urgency_ , she focuses on Maria. "Did you hear me? Stay behind me."

"Ok- oka~y…" Maria's out of it…!

...More gradually, I follow Genkan deeper into the cave of frosty doom and other assorted ice tropes. Aside from the entrance, this passage is like _hallway big._ And-

Oh, hey, the deepest room! I think. This room's so dim and dark, _especially_ without the fire we had last time. In the cave's dim blue gloom, the glimmers of arranged icicles are all that produce any visibility…

...There _was_ a figure deeper in, I could plainly see that shit! Is that anotha' yuki-onna? That'd figure, all things considered. Snow sisters, dude.

Slowly, the crystals all around us _brighten_ and glow fiercer. They can just do that…!?

With the room brighter, I can _see!_ There's actually some more cave entrances, but they're totally blocked off by icy surfaces that you can only barely see through enough to tell that they're supposed to be arch-y doorways.

"Hello." The yuki-onna ahead of us greets us plainly, the tall, thin icicles along the cave's walling sparkling behind her. Aw, she's _fluffy_ , dude.

We're sized up by this mint-green kimono wearin' girl. Similar to Genkan, she's got long black hair, except her eyes are a deep navy instead. Her kimono's green seems to carry over to some of the ice behind her too, making a really cool ice cream-esque gradient...

"Shimokoa." Genkan says 'er name! "You were not invited in." Friendly start!

Sayin' nothing, Shimokoa just kinda gets closer to us. "...I've touched nothing. I was curious about something. Surely you understand."

"...Be that as it may, I expect privacy and respect, especially from my peers." Still put off by her appearance, Genkan talks her ear off. "I understand I've seldom left my home in recent decades, so this scenario may be unique."

"I was actually waiting here, to ask you a question." Shimokoa reveals. I wanna tell her my favorite flavor's _pistachio_ , 'cause her kimono's mint-green...

...After a delay, likely expecting the question to actually be _asked_ , Genkan nods. "Very well."

"Why do you surround yourself with this… troublesome company?" She seems to pick her words deliberately, for some reason. "Are you being… perhaps, held to it?"

This question just makes Genkan pause for a moment, forcing her to process it! "...What? No. I'm simply…" She seems to take anotha' pause. "I'm trying something new." That's an interesting way of putting it!

"We're safe here." Shimokoa drifts closer, gaze gentle. "If you're being hurt-"

"It's not _that_ unbelievable, is it?" Genkan talks over her! "To spend my admittedly immense free time doing something outside?"

"You place yourself in the company of _humans._ " Oh, shit. Does this mean we aren't friends…!? "Forgive my language. You have… _found yourself_ in the company of humans, more aptly." Oof. Guess that means we won't be…!

...Taking a breath, Genkan prepares for trouble! "It is to my understanding, that… after spending some time with _a few, specific_ humans, that-"

"Have you _forgotten?"_ Drifting even closer, Shimokoa tilts her head forwards! ...Then, she just kinda turns away awkwardly.

"No. I am _not_ speaking against fact." Genkan's not relenting, though! "It is through what I've _seen_ , that… as hard-pressed as you'll be to believe this, not _every human_ … is a bad person."

...Hoh.

Silence, yo. The conversation's dead, Jim. I wonder how many times we're gonna have the 'humans ain't bad people' conversation with yuki-onna pals.

Fidgeting a little, Genkan tries to keep it alive! "I know you- of all my sisters- would be the least likely to believe something like this… but it's something I believe must be seen. Through… observation. Don't close your mind, please. I love all my sisters, including you, Shimokoa."

…

All of this drama talk seems to have sobered Maria up! She's just kinda _taking it in_ like I am, looking apprehensive…!

"...So, stay and chat with us, if that would please you." Genkan extends her an offer to join our after-shenanigan… shenaniganry. "I want to soothe your worries." That sounds a little…!

...Shimokoa turns to us, and- ohp, she's crying. In fact, the tears are frozen to her cheeks. That's going to be bad if they pile up…!

"Kill them." Woah hey now…! Tha~t's a little bit of an escalation!

Genkan recoils! "Wh- wha…? What?"

"Kill them." We heard her right, apparently. Aa~h!

...Genkan's normally stiff posture sort of relaxes as she gets more invested into the conversation. "Why?"

"Don't ask questions." Shimokoa retorts. "If your mind was sound, you wouldn't be asking that question. Just listen to me."

"... _No."_ Sounding like she was answering an obnoxiously obvious question, Genkan shakes her head! "It's more complicated than that."

...A~nd, conversation's dead again.

Looking just _sad_ , Shimokoa pans her gaze away, frown deep and expression long. Not an _angry_ look, just kind of blank.

...I dunno whether or not to say anything, honestly. I'm too much into my pally chummy mindset to grill a girl, and I'm not _particularly_ inclined to hit her head a thousand times with a plant hanger at the moment.

This is also a very Genkan-specific event, I feel! So I'mma just… _watch._

After leaning forward a little, Shimokoa drifts into the air. "All that time _wasted._ Just-..."

"I know it's hard, but listen to me!" Genkan gets outside of her comfortable voice range, and it's noticeable! "There is nothing to be afraid of! Please, relax…"

Shimokoa brings a hand to her face, as if to _facepalm at us._ Ow, yo…! I know this shouldn't be funny, but it kind of is…! I'll- I'll just do the _Yukari thing_ and cover my mouth with my hand…

"Shimokoa?" This even confuses Genkan. "...No, no- please stop. It's okay…" She drifts forward towards the other yuki-onna. "Sister." You know, are they actually sisters, or is it just that yuki-onna all call each other sisters? What about the yuki- _okama_ …!?

Upon reaching her, Genkan tries to console her-

"Get away…!" Shimokoa smacks her arms away. "Stay back!" Tha~t's… less funny.

"Wh- what?" Genkan doubles back at her repulsed reaction. "Shimokoa-"

"You _horrible-..."_ Casting her now wet hand from her face, Shimokoa doesn't seem to focus on any of us in particular. "Disgusting. Taking ev- everything we've given you… and becoming so…"

...After freezing for a moment, Genkan continues. "No… no, Shimo-"

"You don't have the right… to speak to me." Steeling her expression, Shimokoa corrects her posture after reeling from her freakin'... _turmoil_ earlier. "Human _pet._ "

...For some reason, Genkan gets a second wind, relaxing at the angrier rebuttal. "I figured you would be angry. When you relax… when you relax, I will tell you more."

Shimokoa _smiles,_ which seems particularly notable. It's not a smile that reaches her eyes, either. "I will be hearing no more from you."

...Genkan tilted her head. "What do you mean?"

"For the memory of my sister." Shimokoa holds up an arm-

 _Fwi~sh._ A rather plain looking ice sword forms. Not even a katana, a _sword-_ hell, not even a _sword_ , it's just _sharp ice with a handle._ "I will remove you in her memory."

"What…!?" Floating back, Genkan holds up her arms. "Sister, no! You... hate me this much!?"

Twirling the blade to her side more akin to a shortsword or dagger than a great blade, Shimokoa exhales, her breath visible in the cave's pastel-blue, green and grey monotone.

Oh, fuck. Well.

Backing up further, nearing us again, Genkan shakes her head. "You- you can't do this. What would our sisters think!?"

"They would do the same." Expression vacant, Shimokoa replies instantly. "It is as you said. You expect privacy and respect. You will only obtain these once this version of you, which finds company among the likes of _humans_ , shatters."

...Taking some breaths, I've already got Flame Salvo out. Oo~h, shit…!

Oh- ooh. Backing up, Genkan bumps into Maria, which causes her to turn to us, realizing we were here again. "A- ah. Brad, Maria…" Facing us with wet eyes, Genkan gestures to the exit. "Run. You need to run."

I _heal_ from _ice damage._ I have the elemental high ground! " _No_ , yo. We'll be fine, I think." Unless she has like fucking fire spells for no reason, then we'll eat hard shit. That's probably on nightmare mode!

 _Fwa~sh!_

Summoning a shield to go along with her sword, Shimokoa twirls it around on her offhand. With a growing _grin_ , she poises herself behind it, raising her blade at her side. "That's a great idea. I'll kill those who made you this way. They must be powerful weapons, to have indoctrinated _you._ I cannot let such corruption fester."

...With that, she begins just slowly strafing alongside us. If we give her enough time, she'll circle the entire cave! Then we'll _really_ be in for it!

"You both need to run!" Genkan's voice kinda makes me jump! "She's far older than I! I don't know what she's capable of…!"

Last I checked, fire magic was the big to-do! Oh, right, that reminds me…

"...Seikatsu!" I almost forgot her freakin' name. "Uncloak…?"

 _Fli- flick._ Aw, yes. We still have our support robot, who decloaks onto the scene. Okay, that takes at least eight tenths of the tension off surviving, unless Shimococoapuffs hugs Maria or something. I don't know how the death hugs of doom work!

"Seikatsu, scan…" Fuck, I gotta judge what position the yuki-onna will be in so scanning actually _works._ Right of us would be~... three o'clock, so- "Three o'clock?" You just _give it_ as the direction, right?

As Shimokoa strafes by us- _slowly getting closer_ \- the green circle flickers to life under her! She doesn't verbally react, but her eyes widen.

" _One subjects identified._ " One subject _s_ , dude. " _Proceed with summary?"_

" _Ye."_ That would be great...!

Seikatsu starts summarizing! " _Name: Shimokoa."_ Yuki-onna don't have last na~mes! " _Six hundred seven pounds."_ Holy shit. " _Six feet, two inches tall."_ Oh, woah. No wonder she's so oppressive…! " _One hundred eighty years old._ _Species: yuki-onna._ "

Shimokoa narrows her brows, slowing her strafe as Seikatsu continues rattling off information. " _One hundred percent ice resistant. One hundred percent earth resistant. Immune to tire and freezing. Negative fifty percent fire resistant. Negative one hundred percent burning resistant."_

...And then there's more shit about how to fight a yuki-onna again, but really, I think we _didn't forget_.

"To think, you needed a _reconnaissance youkai_ to determine my weaknesses…" Shimokoa seems amused by the robot's summary of her-

 _Woosh!_ Ah- oh shit here she comes…! Whirling forward, she whips her blade behind herself, before-

 _Woosh!_ She swings her crude, translucent blade forward!

Arms out in frenzied surprise, Genkan barely falls back out of the way of it. "Si- sister…!"

It was sort of an awkward attack, since it left Maria to just kinda insta-flank her. " _Fire!_ "

Shimokoa whirls to gaze at her almost on a dime-

 _Fwoom._ The launched fireball missed entirely, as the yuki-onna like _darted_ away from it, despite her otherwise slow strafe from earlier-

 _Bam- Fwash!_ Woa~h! She smacks into Maria with her sword's side, and it explodes into ice! Oh, shit…!

" _Anh!_ " The sliding blow left Maria rolling away, the explosion of ice from the sword's blunt impact only partially chilling her features. Okay, good, there was no _slicing_ involved, only hurt.

"Ice resistant." With narrowed eyes, Shimokoa's manually figuring out _our_ resistances, it seems. Next, she turns to look at me, her eyes now wide and perceptive, vaguely luminescent…!

 _Vuu~m._ The healing bot's magic picks up on Maria, as it drifts over to help her recover…

Shimokoa's eyebrows almost raise another inch! "Healing…!?"

 _Kri~ng!_ A nice big, see-through ice blade erupts from under the enemy yuki-onna!

 _Cli~ng!_ _Somehow_ , she guarded that with her crude ice shield, and it merely left her sliding back. Like freakin', tilted her shield _down._ She probably knew it was coming.

Snapping her gaze around, she brings her shield up again, as if sizing us up a second time, as well as strategizing anew.

" _Fire!"_ Maria casts again, scrambling onto her feet near some icicles!

 _Fwoom._ As the fireball nears Shimokoa, she just slides around it once it gets near her.

...I'm gonna just fidget around like a retard until she approaches _me._ She'll only really do it if I seem an easy enough target to pick on! She's _pretty much_ glaring me and Seikatsu down, so that kinda gives things away…

...This is a pretty tense little standoff! Her _confidence_ is somewhat offputting, but I'm gonna assume she's too _big for her britches_ , as it were, yo.

" _Fire!"_ Maria tries again-

 _Woosh!_ Holy shit- here she comes, again-

Spinning across the grey floor like a freakin' ice skater, the yuki-onna nears me-

 _Bam!_ Instead of swinging her blade like she _looked like she would,_ her shield thrusted out on its own towards me, and long story short, _it kinda kicked my ass._

"Ngh…!" Oh, hey, a wall stopped me! Ow~...!

" _Freeze!"_ She thrusts her hand out while the shield returns to the side-

 _Fwa~sh!_ Ohp, whelp, I'm… 'frozen.' Not frozen-frozen, but I'm trapped inside a rather hollow ice cube...

" _Ha~h…!_ " Whirling across the cave floor, tracking thick, luminescent ice in her wake as she skated on the stone, Shimokoa twirled around-

 _Bwo- bwo- bwomp!_ Her blade slammed into Seikatsu repeatedly as she spun, making her energy shield jiggle and jitter.

 _Woosh!_ Genkan whirls past me, _leaving me frozen._ Friend, why…!?

She gets close to her snow sister-

 _Clo~ng!_ Whirling around, Shimokoa _smacked her in the face_ with the shield's rim. Holy shit.

"Hngh…!" Genkan clutched her face as she flew back. "Nn- nn…"

Seikatsu drifts away from Shimokoa to heal Genkan-

Shimokoa latches onto the t-posing robot awkwardly…! "Sink into the dreams of sleeping souls…!"

 _Fwi- fwoo~sh…!_ Blue and white magic begins to flare around them, as she tries to, uh, hug the life out of a robot.

...Oh, hey, Maria's aiming her staff at me. " _Fire!"_

... _Fwam!_ Cra- crack. My icy prison's shattered! "Alright- what year is it…!?" Bounding out of it, I stomp forward in my big dumb gravity boots…!

Bwo- bwo- bwomp- _fwii~sh._ Seikatsu's shield's actually broken by the awkward hug!? Save the white mage!

My party all has similar ideas, so we all just kinda fucking amass on the enemy without organization.

" _Stop!"_ Genkan grabs onto her and starts fighting her limbs-

" _Yo!_ " I yell shit too, getting in close- woah, that feels _good-_

 _Thunk- fwoom!_ The yuki-onna's set ablaze when I thrust Flame Salvo into her side! " _Eyeh!?_ " Woah!

" _Fire!"_ Maria flails her staff like a hammer, bonking her in the back as she casts-

 _Fwam!_ The fireball explodes on her back, and she instantly snaps right off of the robot's form. " _Ehyeh!?_ " The fire makes her howls freakin' _shrill_ and throaty- the mere impact of the attacks, not the burning, which… seems to _not be happening_ , despite negative kajillion burning resist. Does her dashing put it out…!?

Sailing into the back of the room, away from us, she casts her arms out, eyes wide and intense. "I've had _enough_ of this…!" Her implements discarded, she brings her arms up, hands glowing with cyan energy…!

 _Kri~ng!_ While she twirls out of the way of another big fuckoff ice blade summoned by Genkan, I bolt after her-

 _Shink!_ What!? O- oh- fuck- ouch…

 _Bam- thud_. She fucking made an _icicle_ and- and just _stabbed me_ with it. Wow… oh, and then she kicked me to the floor, but that whole stabbing part was a _little more important._

" _Brad!"_ Genkan yells out, despite Seikatsu coming to me-

 _Fwash!_ ... _Someone_ froze me solid… and now I don't feel like I've been stabbed anymore. Man, over one hundred resistance is weird shit…!

I'm well frozen this time, too. Can't see or hear shit, cap'n.

…The stab was a big open wound by the way, 'cause she tore the icicle back out. The wound itself is entirely gone now, though.

Oh, hey, Seikatu's healing beam is hitting me from somewhere outside. What the fuck-

 _CRACK!_ Ho~ahaha~!? The yuki-onna smashed my tomb open with her shield and is _right above me-_

 _Fwoom!_ I shoot Flame Salvo's flamethrower beam up at her! "No~ no no! N-..." Voice has run out, because _oof._ That was me yelling, by the way.

She flails away, fire instantly coursing across her limbs the moment the flames lick her. " _Ehyah!?"_ Oh shit: a game of regret, son. I'm kinda in a shitty spot, though…

 _Wham!_ Whirling across the air above me, Genkan just _punches her,_ sending her drifting back further. Y'know, I'd find something funny about yuki-onna being so ice-inclined that they have to resort to punching each other to get anything done, but I'm kinda frazzled…!

...Once I _roll_ out of my ice crater I got left in, I see- oh, fuck.

Maria's limping to the side of the battlefield, and Seikatsu's healing her while she just _bleeds,_ her new shirt torn open. "Nn- nn…" Blood's kinda stained the lower parts of her shirt, and while they're small stabs, they're _still stabs._

Alright, y'know _what…_

Throwing myself onto my legs 'n' stepping up to her, I give 'er Flame Salvo. "Yo, uh, take this." It's dangerous to go alone. Also, I wanna try a different strategy, if being hurt midway is only a minor inconvenience for us right now…

"...Tha- thanks, I…" Maria awkwardly regards my gift through her pain. Maybe I should give her, like, a potion-

" _Hnn~!"_ I look up as the wild yuki-onna zips around the room's walls, Genkan in her wake as she begins to glow. Oh, fuck, she'll roundabout to us soon-

 _FWA~SH!_ She slams herself into the floor across from us, like a meteor, and it's _really loud-_

"Ah…!" Genkan ends up slamming into the ice spike layer the yuki-onna created over herself upon crash landing-

 _Fwo- fwoash._ For some reason, the spikes broke instead of impaling her, and healing sounds were made but she didn't glow like she was healing. "...Ah."

 _Kring!_ One random spike just erupts next to them. Um-

 _Kring!_ Anotha' one erupts next to it. And-

 _Kring! Kring! Kring!_ That's a _series_ of ice spikes, and it's erupting in our direction…!

 _Kring! Kring!_ Maria gets away from me- oh, good, the ice spikes are homing in on me in particular. Ah, shit, ah shit…

Runnin' 'n' reaching into my bag, I take out Million Bucks! I'll need to get hurt- and-

 _Kring! Kring! Kring!_ Those spikes might do a _little more_ than hurt me…! But I have something else that can hurt me...

 _Kring!_ Drawing the _Bawmber_ in my other hand clumsily- while those ice pillars get _way too close for comfort I gotta go-_

 _Boom!_ I just _fall over_ and hit my hanger into the floor, sending me rolling away. "Gfu~h…!" My mouth didn't anticipate what was basically an oni punch to the gut, sending me fucking rolling, saliva flying…

 _Kring, kring!_ ...The final two spikes taper off, and the attack seems to end. Yeah, that's… that works.

...Now that I'm able to _get the fuck up_ , let's see what shit's going down.

"Ngh…" Oh, Genkan's got the girl's daggers under control by holding onto her, but she's getting bombarded by thick ice chunks being launched from the other yuki-onna's gut. "Shi- Shimo- Shimokoa…"

...Saying nothing back, Shimokoa thrusts a knee up-

"Nnh!" Genkan lets herself dart back once the yuki-onna frees her arms by awkwardly trying to knee her.

I look over at Maria, who seems to be all ready, fire charged onto the tips of both her weapons…!

Since she's looking over at all of us, I wave my arms and gesture for her to wait! This includes arm flailing and telling her to be quiet and shaking my head at my weapons.

...Well, I've confused her, which I guess is the next best thing.

" _Hey!_ " I yell at the enemy! This will show her, dude… " _Shimokokomo!"_

...The yuki-onna's vaguely _amused_ expression meets mine. Then again, I threw on my trademark _eternal grin_ so I suppose I'm not much better.

"Stop harassing us…" I awkwardly, uh, begin. "Or else I will have to use… my _special attack!"_ Yeahahaa~h!

"Your… special attack." She grins wider. "Your fire magic does a good enough job. Why not stick with what works?"

'Cause I wanna get this over with, and _licking you_ with flames only goes so far. "'Cause I'm an _evil monster human_ , and... when you get our health low, we do _special attacks_. Just 'cause only _then_ we actually feel threatened…!"

"Mmm…" She gives… some kind of a hum. I'm going to assume amused. It'd make more sense than _aroused._ "I'll keep that in mind." Twirling her ice daggers around again-

 _Swi- swi- swish!_ A flurry of sharp ice shit just bombards us-

"Aa- ahn…" Genkan shields herself with her arms, backing somewhere outta my vision-

Wow, this sucks. Shield the eyes! And-

 _Shunk._ Wo~wie zowie. My _gut_ just went _powie._ What fucking hit me…!? Alright, it's fuckfest time…

Awkwardly cringing down- doing an 'oh no she got me' sort of emote halfway once I thought about it, I use Million Bucks to engage the hover boots…!

"Brad, no…!" Genkan is forced to panic because I fall for a moment, 'cause _believable crouching_.

Then, I float into the air, and tilt forward menacingly…! Or, y'know, so I think. "I~..." Man, I wanted to be cool and yell at her, but this ice shit in my belly is making this a lot more weird…! "Ha- have… become _god!"_ Yea~h dude! "Ow, ff-..."

Smirking deeper at my _what may as well have been_ arrogance, she articulates her fingers-

 _Shi~ng!_ Oh, fuck. _Ice claws._ She's wolverine mean…!

" _Fire~!_ " Maria acts once I get closer, and the yuki-onna moves for me!

 _Fwa- fwam!_ Two fireballs roar out, one from her staff and one from Flame Salvo-

 _Woosh._ She slides out of the way of one-

 _Fwam!_ -and into the other! " _Egaht!?_ "

While the fireball makes her recoil, I just _go in-_

 _Thwash!_ Million Bucks doesn't impact with shit!? Oh- yeah-

 _Boom!_ Ow. I end up rolling across the air away from her, because _explosion_. What basically happened was Million Bucks just went _through her_ as I swung it, and I just kinda panicked and hit her with the bomb and _boom._

"Nh…" Wow, she has _so much less_ of a reaction to getting blown up than she does getting hit with the world's dinkiest fire spells.

Alright, I might need another strategy, again…! Let's make this quick 'cause I already got _one_ part of it.

Where's Genkan? Ah- there's Genkan, behind me with healbot supreme, looking _strategic._

I give her a strategic small loan of a million dollars by chucking Million Bucks at her. "Here!"

...After snapping her gaze to me, she catches it.

 _Fwa- fwam! "Egah- Etye~ht!?"_ While Maria does her _fire things_ in the background- and probably does a lot more damage than I did, I click off my boots-

 _Thud._ -almost break my spine on the icy floor, _making sure not to blow up in the process_ , and dra~w…

Market Gardener! Alright, if this doesn't end shit, we're going to need a jump cut…!

" _Aa~h!_ " Woah- who's screaming-

 _Fwa~sh!_ Aah. She froze Maria, whose weapons are curiously outside of the ice block she ended up in, and _still smouldering-_

 _Cra~ck!_ The ice shatters, because Maria's completely freeze resistant! " _Sto~p!"_ Through teary eyes, Maria whips her staff and Flame Salvo out-

 _Fwa- fwam!_ Two more fireballs arc out-

Bypassing them, Shimokoa moved to loom over her, their corner of the cave a vibrant spring green. " _Little human._ Sink into the dreams-"

 _Fwa- fwam!_ Maria throws her arms with all her might back up, sending out two more fireballs that miss. Oh, shit this is bad. My loadout's put me in a precarious situation, too precarious to just run up and fucking save shit-

Crouching down to Maria's height, the yuki-onna whirls to embrace her. "-of sleeping souls!"

" _No!"_ Genkan accelerates towards them! " _Stop!"_

As the yuki-onna's arms wrap around Maria, she curls up into a ball and stabs her implements down-

 _Fwoo~hm!_ Woah…! The cave's floor cracks open, a fume of shuddering air emerging from a shimmering crevice that formed beneath them-

" _Unfh_ …" Shutting her eyes, Shimokoa tries to resist this-

 _Fwoom!_ A fireball explodes in her kimono, licking both Maria and her. "Unfuh-"

 _Fwoo~hm! Fwam!_ The fume spell below the yuki-onna pulses again, and more fire magic flares from Maria! "Gnh- ungh-"

Reaching her, Genkan tries to pull Shimokoa off, as steam billows from the kimono, and flames and _smoke_ fucking pour from her…!

 _Fwam!_ With another brush of flame-

" _Ehya~ht!"_ Thrown back from Maria, Shimokoa freakin' lands on her _ass_ some feet away, ablaze. "Eer~h...!"

 _On fire herself,_ Maria stumbles back with teary eyes. "Ow- ow- ow, ow-"

 _Woosh!_ Genkan extinguishes her with a strong wind, which also throws her. " _Anh…!_ "

"Ma- Maria!" Snapping to her side, Genkan moves to nurse her. Seikatsu's there too, to reverse the burning and whatever that yuki-bitch did.

Wha- how'd she _put herself out_. "Ngh…" Kimono covered in scorch marks, some still smoking and active, Shimokoa glares her fellow yuki-onna down.

"To- to go this far…" Genkan returns the glare, propping the battered mage up near the healing robot. "Shimokoa. You wouldn't do this…"

...In response, the yuki-onna just holds her arms up, as if wrapping them both around a shaft above her, as she drifts into the air. " _Come to me…"_

 _Fwa~sh!_ A big dumb fucking _ice super sword_ generates in her hands, well bigger than her! " _Ice blade!"_

If she can actually swing that thing quickly, that'd be fucking bullshit. Let's test things… "Yo, Genkan…" I shoot 'er a grin from across the room!

She looks over at me. I gesture to the _big blade girl._ "Make 'er swing!"

"...Okay." Nodding, she drifts forward, as Shimokoa starts to as well. In the background, Maria just flops onto Seikatsu, sobbing quietly. Shit...

...Enemy-yuki's _a lot slower_ , however, weighed down by the world's most impractical weapon. As Genkan sheepishly floats ahead-

 _Kri~ng!_ She makes a random ice blade erupt to the side of herself on account of the first inkling of swinging! To defend or _parry_ , presumably...

 _Swoosh_. Almost gleefully, the yuki-onna kinda sluggishly brings the great sword forward-

 _CRA~CK!_ Genkan retreats as the big not-sword she summoned was shattered instantly by the swing.

As the yuki-onna recovered for another swing, I turn around, crouch- there's a ceiling so I'll have to be fucking careful about the angle, and-

 _Boom!_ Whaha~h! My go~d! Hitting the floor, I fucking _soar_ up and over the yuki-onna entirely! "Ah…?" She actually stops her swing, because that was probably fucking jarri-

 _Thud._ Ff- ceiling. An' I hit a wall. Oh my fucking ouch. My body says _no god please no_ , but my mind says _yes_ so I fucking awkwardly… turn and poke the wall wit' the bomb-

 _Boom!_ Oh fuck I went spinning, and _towards her-_ ow ow ow-

 _Shunk- SMAA~SH!_

Wha- what… did I hit?

...Thud. Oh, cold floor. That's… nice. I'm shivering…

 _Fwa~sh!_ Ow- ow- ow. Someone blasts me with a barrage of _ice_ , and my body doesn't know how to feel about that. I'm a little more together, though, so now I can see the fuckin' yuki-onna I think I hit through my teary eyes…

Shimokoa's reeling to the side, clutching her jaw with her off hand. In her other arm, she holds a massive ice gauntlet, a red spread messily coating the digits of it. Did that hit me? You know, it _felt_ like that hit me.

Oh- woah, someone picked me up. "I want you to leave. _Now._ "

"You don't know a _thing!"_ Shimokoa seemed pretty upset from getting slapped in the face slightly harder than usual. "I- I…"

Aah, Maria. Hi, Maria… she's stepping forward with both flaming weapons extended. "Pl- please... go away."

...The mint-green clad yuki-onna's gaze was wide, shifting all across Maria's form as if she fucking saw the universe explode or something.

 _Fwa- fwam!_ Two more fireballs hit Shimokoa-

 _Bam._ She throws herself into the room's front wall behind herself, shutting her eyes for a moment as flames licked her, and then extinguished. "Gi- hii~h…" The noise she makes is a gasping, ruined one.

…In the silence, she just kinda stumbles from the wall, holding herself, her cheeks moist.

"A- a pity…" She began to drift back. "To be so _ignorant._ As you're only able to see the surface of things. I should not expect humans to appreciate my true might."

Are you fucking _mental._ You pretty much just went ballistic and randomly attacked us while I hit you with a plant hanger a thousand times to make you stop, which is the _exact opposite_ of what I wanted to do today.

"Leave, Shimokoa!" Genkan doesn't want any. "I never did anything to deserve this. Any of this! This isn't you!"

...Shimokoa allowed her a small frown. "You, having such strength, even at the mercy of your memory. Shameless."

"You invade my _home_ , lie in wait for me, and ambush me and my _comp-... friends!"_ I- I feel… weird. "Get the _hell_ out…!"

At Genkan's rage, she smiled as she made her retreat. "Nnh. I… I'll remember you. Genk-... Genkan. The days we-"

"Just…! Just go..." Genkan… kinda sedately retorts.

Her former friend freezes up for one last moment, before casting her gaze down and continuing out.

…

" _Aa~h!"_ It's time to ye~ll at the world!

Genkan snaps her gaze down to me. Oh, right, that someone who picked me up was her, since her voice was coming from next to me. "Brad! Are you okay? Say something…!"

Woah. "...I- I dunno." My body's in a weird equilibrium of pain, aching, and healing sensations. My chest feels like it's getting ripped out, my legs are okay, and my ass itches. I'm probably crying, too.

O- ooah. Suddenly, healing sensation from my legs and back, where I'm being held. That's… a thing.

"I- I don't think you look okay…" I hear a Maria, but I don't see one! "I mean…"

...Seikatsu's healing beam's on me still, too. All of this doesn't change the fact that I'm worn the fuck out...

"There. It's healing…" Genkan remarks. Oh, the shivering's beginning to stop. Why was I cold with _cold resistance?_

"Wha- what was… healin'?" That'd be nice to know…

...After a moment of awkward silence, longer than your usual awkward silence, Genkan informs me. "I... don't think you _need_ to know." Wat. Oh, wait… I think I know. I did get my chest fucking gouged into. How big of a hole was that…!? Ho ho!

Once my eyes are dry enough, I kind of look down- _that's a lot of blood my boys._ I think. Wow. I got fucking _glory killed_ and _lived_ , it seems. Holy _shit._ Wow!

"Just relax." Genkan speaks softly to me. "Don't panic." I'm not panicking, I'm somewhere between baffled and amazed! That… might be the same thing. Something related to excitement! That might be adrenaline…

…

Oh- _ouch. Ouch. Now I'm really feeling it…!_ _Ca- can you feel it now… mister Krabs!? Oo~h!_

"Shh~..." I hiss because _oh my fucking god what the fuck_

"Relax. Relax." Genkan, telling me to relax isn't going to make me rela- oh, hey, it actually took my mind off the _holy fucking-_ "Relax." Yes, yes, I agree…!

...It finally tapers off. Shi~t. Here I thought I was some kinda fuckin' god with a _pocket medic,_ the ability to be healed by most friendly fire to full health and extra party members to tank when we needed heals, but _you'd be surprised what can one-shot you._ That's pretty much the story of the freakin' max overheal heavy, innit?

Also, I'm so fucked up right now that I'm pretty much on life support between the medi-beam and Genkan's ice magic being channeled into me. But I actually feel alive and not in pain now, so the situation was fixable.

...I can see, too. Goodbye, tears! Mostly!

Turning my head, I see Maria being _sad_ next to me, and- those are _my_ guts on the floor, aren't they. Wow. Man, what if I casted Revenge with my dark hanger at that low of health? I probably woulda freakin' gibbed her, but then I would've died as a direct result. That kind of weapon only gets _really good_ when you're at like one percent health…

"...Are you okay?" Genkan asks again! I look over at her- woa~h, not used to seeing _her_ cry openly…

"Ye- yeah. Be- better." My voice has seen better days, but I think getting my guts spilled kind of _justifies it._

...I've just kinda realized something scary. That ice physical attack nearly killed me at _one hundred fifty_ magical ice resist, _and_ with a medibeam, _and_ with all this extra healing. By all accounts and means, I should be literally dead right now! Hanging on by the fucking _cusp of life._ I probably just provided Seikatsu with an entire damn ubercharge! If she gets those. I'm gonna _demand those_ for the next build.

"Let's… get you to bed." Genkan starts carrying me to _bed._ Where is _bed_. Last I checked, you had one room, and now my guts are in a big pile on your floor in it.

...She carries me towards one of those multiple chunky ice blockades that all but totally obscure the other paths of this cave. Right, I forgot about those. Still-

 _Fwish._ Putting her hand one one, Genkan desummons a perfect circle of ice away, allowing her to step through. Oh. I thought it'd be a little more of a process, but that kinda figures.

...Her sandals start crunching things as she walks into a room full of fluffy snow. There's nothing in here, just _howling wind_ and a smooth blanket of snow. Wait-... I think I just cued myself into what this is by foreshadowing it _myself._

"...It's not traditional by human standards, but…" Kneeling down, Genkan plops me into the _snow._ "Here."

You just sleep in a room full of snow. I guess I would too!

This _is_ pretty soft. The biting cold snow that would usually wrack onto my skin is now replaced by a like, pleasant _warmth_ almost. It's weird.

Wo- woah. Genkan nestles into the hole in the snow next to me…

"Um…" We hear Maria at the entrance of the room. "...I still _feel cold._ In this room... especially." Oh, yeah, She's only seventy-five percent resistant, so this room's probably still hell, even if she could run around in the antarctic at subzero.

"Ah…" Getting up, Genkan gives me a glance. "I will be back. I need to show her somewhere apt for her to rest."

"Alri~ght…" Yeah, I'm pooped. I dunno what time it is in here, but I'm pretty sure we spent most of the day anyway…

With that, she takes off 'n' goes to show Maria where to _sleep._

What a day. I got _good boots,_ I got a healbot, got my sanity questioned by _Kyouko_ , immediately used the healbot to survive my _guts_ _getting ripped out_. Another Tuesday in Gensokyo, huh. In terms of _things happening_ this was a good day, but getting my guts ripped out is probably a new low for me. Next to that time I fell ten million feet and broke my everything, and Seikatsu healed me up _then_ too.

Gensokyo's been runnin' us fuckin' _ragged_ recently. Head into village to make the council explode, take an innocent busywork job of raiding the crappy bars, find a rape victim. Next day, finish it up, run into Shikome and nearly get gutted. _Next day_ , blah blah blah, get _literally gutted_ and _live to tell the tale._ Jesus Christ, what's on the agenda for tomorrow? Are we going to roll back into the village and get insta-gibbed by a giant flaming magnetic Reimu or some shit…!?

That, or we take another day off because fuck that snow sister in particular, she made us _tired._

I hear snow crunching. A tilt of my head reveals Genkan's approach…

Without commentary, she descends and settles in next to me again. The snow almost shifts to accommodate us more properly, since she'd already pushed some of it out the first time.

"I showed Maria to a lounge room of mine…" Genkan revealed. "It should be warmer, for her. There's even a fireplace she can start…" Why would a yuki-onna have a stove. Must be the fire aesthetic or something…

Ah, woah… the _extremely foreign_ sensation- well, not so foreign, considering how Ha-chan greets me every morning- basically, Genkan just freakin' hugs onto me. "Sleep well… Brad." Woaokay…

That's… not a bad idea.

The howling wind in the background sort of tapers off, and fades out. The luminescent, crystalline ceiling dims to the point of emulating a night sky with its shimmers, and the warmth that surrounds my body…

I close my eyes, and let go.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 81

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Robot Demolisher, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Factory Disassembler, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Village Revolutionary, Has Forgotten What Half of These Titles Stood For, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Hard Winter - A earth/ice elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the big, orange shaft-like hilt.

PRIMARY WEAPON SKILLS:

Jack Hammer - This weapon can be used as a jack hammer!

Attack Up - Attacks can be magically charged for bonus damage.

Generic Buff - The most generic of buffs. Boosts defense and attack moderately.

Gaia Seed - Basic earth magic. May make targets slightly tired. Creates downward push force on targets.

Tundra - Spike of sturdy ice which might throw people off balance. Might shank someone who slips onto it, though!

Ice Shard - Advanced ice magic. May freeze enemies. Creates ice magic in their body, and freezes the air around them.

Combo Plus - User gets an extra hit artificially, if they want to!

Combo Jump - User can easily cancel out of combos.

Frost Trail - User leaves frost in their trail, particularly while jumping.

NON-EQUIP SKILLS:

Lucky Star - Non-elemental attack that does very random damage to one target. Star that drops from abo~ve!

Scent Pillow - A spell taught by Koakuma. Summons a pillow endowed with the user's love fluids… which, for males, is, euh…

World's Wimpiest Fireball - A spell learned from a book given to me by Patchy. Summons a _really_ , genuinely terrible fireball that only ignites the weakest of fairies.

Lumen - Low-grade holy spell that eats all my mana. Requires a source of holy to actually be cast. Homes in on an enemy and deals a burst of mediocre holy damage.

Double Jump - A skill I got somehow! Allows the user to jump twice. Avoid fall damage, maybe!

Perspective Holder - Um…? I am the primary perspective of this story!

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I would like to know where it actually puts all my stuff though…

==o==

WEAPONS:

Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.

=o=

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! Boosts the power of holy skills.

SKILLS:

Flash - Blinding magic. Works best on dark-elementals, but also works on youkai. Humans too, kinda.

Flashlight - It's a flashlight! Might blind dark youkai, I dunno…

Shine - Basic holy magic. Generates a holy orb in the target's body, which hits 'em with raw holy and stuff...

=o=

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. Has a grate slapped onto it, and a steel block! Sparkles, too…! Oh, s'also got _strings_ , man…!

SKILLS:

Gust - Basic wind magic. Pushes the feeble…!

Fairy Dust - Weapon status effect replaced with fairy dust. Wind attacks with this weapon get fairy dust all over the enemy, debuffing their sinuses!

Bootiful Instrument - I can play music wit' it, dude!

=o=

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious ruby red gems and crimson metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites things on physical attacks!

SKILLS:

Flamethrower Plus - A jet of fire. Freakin'... what do ya want me to say!?

Fume - Makes hot air fume from the earth below. Might sear the feeble.

=o=

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Boosts the power of wind skills. Pushes air on swing!

=o=

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Boosts the power of water skills.

SKILLS:

Freakin' Leaks! - Can produce limitless fresh hanger water…!

Geyser - Basic water attack. Gush of water erupts from the earth and might fling the feeble…!

Valve - I can control the water flow with this!

=o=

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from dark shards. Glowy red runes on it…! Boosts the power of dark skills. Decreases user's defense and increases attack. Can cut things!

SKILLS:

Revenge - Non-elemental cleaving attack that increases in power when health is lower.

Bloody Mess - User bleeds faster and longer.

=o=

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Made of a lot of weird freakin' parts and stick bits and piston things…

SKILLS:

Boom - Hitting stuff makes booms!

Danmaku Pellet? - Can shoot a yellow pellet, for some reason.

=o=

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself, along with some shoddy enchantments! Lowers defense slightly. Slightly electric and holy elemental.

SKILLS:

Panic Attack! - Run faster when health is lower!

Magic Attack - Physical attacks are converted to magic attacks, and fluidly pass through objects.

Combo Jump - Allows the user to transition to jumping while mid-attack.

Aerial Plus - Forced aerial support! It's vaguely easier to hit aerial foes with it!

Air Slide Plus - Lets the user awkwardly air slide.

Glide - Replaces Brad's double jump skill with gliding.

High Jump - Increased jump height while running.

=o=

Fragile Flower - A cute hanger with floral designs and light colors. Aesthetically pleasing!

SKILLS:

Enfeebled - Wielder has halved physical defense and offense.

Cleanse - Basic healing skill which cleanses one target of all debuffs or status problems.

=o=

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF Maverick Blaster - Harmless foam dart gun toy. When I focus with it, I can fire danmaku NERF darts! Upgraded with an eagle feather and Hina's talisman to inflict confusion and bad luck by default. Negligible non-elemental damage.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy…

==o==

ARMOR:

Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means business, son. Hopefully helps hide me better in the freakin' brush…!

STATS:

One hundred fifty percent ice resistance.

Fifty percent freeze resistance.

Fifty percent dark resistance.

Negative fifty percent fire resistance.

Negative fifty percent burning resistance.

=o=

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

STATS:

Seventy-five percent time resistance.

=o=

Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.

STATS:

Fifty percent sun resistance.

One hundred percent freezing resistance.

One hundred percent blinding resistance.

One hundred percent electrical stunning resistance.

=o=

Lunarian Prototype Space Suit - A suit meant for combat in deep space. So far, it's only got the whole 'exist in deep space' part down…! Has an oxygen tank, but that's only useful if you wear the helmet to go along with it.

STATS:

One hundred percent electricity resistant.

One hundred percent freezing resistant.

Randomly casts Zero Gravity when it feels like it.

Zero Gravity - Area of effect spell which removes gravity from debris and the feeble!

=o=

Lunarian Prototype Deep Space Helmet - It's a freakin' _space_ helmet.

STATS: (alone)

Fifty percent blinding resistant.

STATS: (paired with Lunarian Prototype Space Suit)

One hundred percent electricity resistant. Again, yo!

One hundred percent resistance to burning and poison.

=o=

Testing Oxygen Tank - The oxygen tank used by the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit. Lasts for two and a half minutes! Not meant to actually be used outside of testing, but it's possible. Refills automatically in breathable air.

=o=

MP Prize Pin - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field. For awhile only the user(s) of this badge may pick them up, but after a grace period anyone can.

STATS:

Extends prize grabbing range!

=o=

Sun Badge - A badge that looks like the _sun._ How interesting, dude.

STATS:

 _Fifteen percent_ sun resistant. Wow.

Fifty percent resistance to blinding and electrical stunning.

Replaces the on-impact effect of all weapons with Sunfire Flare.

Sunfire Flare - Flash of light that blinds everyone. Doesn't work on the sun-resistant.

=o=

Stock Outfit - Blue, long-sleeved shirt with a huge V-neck button-up collar. Blue sweatpants. Most balanced outfit.

STATS:

Negative five percent wind resistance.

May make the wearer tired.

=o=

Reimu's Outfit - Shrine maiden clothes, dude. Holy resistant, but I dunno how much! Even comes with the bindings and tubes and ribbon 'n' everything!

Reimu's Ribbon - Man, that's cuddly looking.

Hakurei Arm Sleeves - How do you wear these.

Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Gravity Boots - Boots that reduce the user's gravity! More like, propels them off the floor a little. Reduces the effectiveness of space statuses on the user. Really weird to control…!

==o==

CONSUMABLES/OTHER:

Twenty seven thousand, nine hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!

Four Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Mega Potion - Youkai-like regen for thirty seconds… except for the whole family! Applies to entire party. Good for when we all suck at life!

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Three Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on debuffs, though...

Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Rope of Red Bikinis - Wahaha! Gonna getcha, son!

Some Fancy Key - A key lent to me by Brittany. Wha- why. What's it for…!?

Youkai Exterminator Badge - I still have this, dude! Yo ho ho! Allows me to not be considered a youkai by most guardsmen!

Bone - I got it from a _frozen reindeer_. Why's there only one…!?

==o==

RANDOM CRAP:

Tables and Furniture - Impromptu furnishings!

==o==

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I really have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

==o==

Genkan, the Yuki-onna - A bitter yuki-onna from Gensokyo's wildlands, mostly active in the winter, and on particularly cold days. Heals from ice damage. Commands powerful control over frost, and has a wide variety of ice-affinity attacks. Weak to fire and burning.

SKILLS:

Ice Control - Freely use ice to make stuff. Inherent one hundred percent ice resistance. Negative one hundred fire and burning resistance.

Freeze - Instantly freezes one to two enemies. Low chance of working on stronger foes.

Creaking Freeze - Generates a spinning, magic snowflake in an enemy's body, which instantly freezes them after a moment. High accuracy.

Glacier - Erects a massive blade of ice from the ground, dealing incredible physical ice damage.

Triple Glacier - See above, but on three enemies! As such, costs triple the mana!

Ice Spin - Spins and lashes out with chilling frost. Probably just an extension of her normal frost powers and not an actual skill…

Ice Shard - Advanced ice magic. May freeze enemies. Creates ice magic in their body, and freezes the air around them.

Snow - Make it snow locally. Very minor ambient ice damage to everyone on the battlefield, including allies. Has a low chance to instantly freeze someone for no reason.

Yuki-onna's Embrace - Hug. Binds target close to her. Makes the target tired, severely lowers accuracy and magical defense, and makes them comfortable. Skill may only be performed by yuki-onna. Negative facets reduced by ice and freezing resist. Someone with over a hundred resistance will be buffed and healed by it…!

Yuki-onna's Entombment - Final, optional stage of the hug…! Guaranteed instant death inflicted by the draining of vitality. Heals the user for the heat taken from the target. Does not work well on bosses or the instant death resistant. Instant death proc is nullified if the target's ice or freezing resistance is over fifty percent. Skill may only be performed by yuki-onna.

Other Skills - Probably has more spells, but freakin'... I dunno her like a textbook!

INVENTORY:

Absolute Zero Kimono - A better version of the stock yuki-onna kimono. Has new trims and stuff!

STATS:

Two hundred ice resistance. Genkan only receives one hundred since this is her stock apparel…! Still adds up to two hundred 'cause of her Ice Control skill… and being a yuki-onna and all.

Negative one hundred fire and burning weakness. Doesn't affect Genkan since this weakness is native anyway, but oof.

=o=

Two thousand yen - Her remaining total after spending money on our upgrades.

Bagged Money - Some money Reimu got for us, to pay for our _irreversible trauma_. She's friendly, dude. We haven't counted it out, yet!

I dunno - What would I~ have if I was a sexy ice woman?

[unknown spaces remaining]

==o==

Maria, the Actually Ordinary Magician - A villager from the human village. Used to run the most impoverished bar ever, but that fell under or something. Really low self-esteem! Resistances and weaknesses depend on equipment. Can cast basic elemental spells!

SKILLS:

Fire - Small, homing fireball of doom. May ignite foes! Doesn't do much damage.

Blizzard - Spread shot of big snowflakes. May chill foes.

Thunder - Random spread of bolts in an area! Zaps people…!

INVENTORY:

Pine Frost Staff - Made with pine wood and an icy reagent. Also good for bonking things! Twenty five percent ice resistance, one hundred percent freezing resistance. Negative fifty percent burning resistance.

SKILLS:

Ice Shard - Advanced ice magic. May freeze enemies. Creates ice magic in their body, and freezes the air around them.

Blizzara - Big spread shot of myriad ice chunks, with magical snowflakes whirling around inside them. May freeze foes!

=o=

Casual Freeze Clothes - Casual, neon villager garb. Bright yellow shirt with a blue snowflake stitched onto the front, a bright blue skirt, and a tan vest. Looks about as garish as your regular Touhou, now!

STATS:

Fifty percent ice resistant.

One hundred percent freezing resistant.

=o=

Wood Staff - Good for bonking things!

Magical Lens - A lens that shoots _la~ser bea~ms!_ ...When you input mana into it, anyway, apparently. Gift from Marcus Kirisame!

[Travel Bag] - Inventory that exists! Does not take up inventory because it is inventory. Eight slots.

Two Mana Potions - Guess wha~t? It heals, except mana!

[four spaces remaining]

==o==

Hana, the Electric Fairy Maid - Hello again, friend! You're _fluffy_. Healed by electric magic. Immune to electric stunning!

SKILLS:

Little Zap - Basic electric magic. Zaps a target twice with static from above!

Random Electric - When pressured, uses random electric spells that exist.

Electric Control - With true power, she's able to stun opponents into submission by touching them, apparently.

Electric Elemental - Three hundred percent electric resistant. One hundred percent resistance to electrical stunning.

INVENTORY:

Hana's Fairy Maid Uniform - Stock standard uniform from the mansion! Cyan-tinted in places to match her hair color. Honh...

==o==

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

that was a weirdly fluent later half of the chapter

~~and now to do my film homework in the dead of evening~~

wait yeah you can't strikethrough text on ff net because [insert site CEO here] is too scared to include more than a dozen ancient options for formatting

like we had getting there to the cave, the encounter, and then the big bum battle which got better towards the end, ending in a pretty satisfying result because tensions and _ya boy got his guts splayed across the floor_

how kinky

well anyway then it became me getting hugged into unconsciousness by a rather rattled yuki-friend and i somehow paced it quite right

i've been trying to make there just be more substantial paragraphs as a whole dotted about. like, this ended right at the mid 40 page mark- one of my "this chapter is WHOLE" standards, but it also had 12 k words when i finished it sans all this end inventory guff. that's a pretty good indicator of my paragraphs just being generally bigger!

while i'm a fan of like splitting up sentences during action because that makes a lot of sense from a non-committal, non-contemporary reader standpoint, chunky paragraphs (but not OVERBEARINGLY SO) for more intricate processes or internal banter or for the sake of a slower but more involved descriptive/action pace are alright. there's a kind of weird element to it, too, regarding the overall fluency of like sentences versus the natural pace of which i've dispensed ideas… or something

i've seen some really good fics that did action that i _still_ just mindlessly glossed over because a bunch of five sentence paragraphs about a fight strikes me as kind of more boring than a collection of smaller sentences

...and i've seen how to do things without goofy noises everywhere, but i like my goofy noises; it's weirdly comic book-esque and the professionalism bar for fanfic land is obviously lower anyway so hoh

i feel like the key to making satisfying fights with _brad_ in them is both situations where playing safe doesn't do him much good- and perhaps it'd be better if he knew this right away- and in a way that sort of accommodates his natural humor seasoning on everything without detracting from the actual gravity of the situation

...which means yes the situation needs gravity no matter what way you dice it - w - and we mean thematic not newton's stuff

and then there was getting my guts ripped out but that's like a general "this is a good way to increase the excitement threshold" strategy of mine that i've had for awhile but haven't really found much apt ways to include in fg because my guy just doesn't heal a lot normally

a sprained ankle is a huge problem when you don't have potions; even just a big cut means a variety of problems with no medical aid, and status effects can be a kiss of death (although in retrospect that might be a fun idea here or there but not as a more consistent trope)

then when you add a pocket medic to the mix suddenly it's a lot more viable to rip out my guts and crush my bones to dust XD and it can happen more often than other battle damage

my favorite thing is probably how jarring it is, going from a meta where it's a big deal for even smaller wounds to happen to _OH GOD THAT'S MY GUTS EVERYWHERE WOOAA_

the big _trade off_ dude

well anyway yo

...shimokoa is google translate japanese for "frost core"; although it's actually two words, shimo and koa

it probably makes absolutely no sense in japanese because japanese is _freakin' complicated_

post-edit notes: general language edits! also, added bit where maria has to fight harder, also repositioned genkan to accommodate this and makes shimokoa seems more like she actually got beaten and didn't just back off

also genkan and maria were now angry instead of seething at my near-death. probably more appropriate to be enraged about it!

hoh

as always, see you all next time!


	104. More Village! Will we- you know what no

(in which we strike the earth for loots)

…

I don't wanna wake up…

...Eyes closed, I… find my current spot _really comfy_ , wherever I am. I'm on top of something soft, which would normally be vaguely uncomfy, but… I'm positioned _just right_ , and this warmth is filling me. I almost want to fidget because this is _too much_ , but… there's a weight _on me_ too.

So I don't ruin this orientation by shifting about like I usually like to. I don't even know what's on or under me. But, maybe I'll _fidget-_... nope. I'm trapped, and it feels good.

My arms are naturally lying around something beneath me. I'm on _someone._ My eyes are still so heavy, that I don't… particularly want to open them.

I'm sure this is fine. O- ah. That confirms my suspicion. Not one, but two, but in fact _multiple_ heartbeats; one belonging to me, one coming from past my back, and one coming from below.

This… this is so…

Nuzzling my head into the the chest of the person below me, I find my face pressed against something soft and good smelling. Whelp…

I give up again, letting the warmth and softness take me...

…

...Just- so soft, so warm. I think time's passed. I'm definitely dozing, but I'm not sure how much...

I know it's… kind of sappy to dabble upon heartbeats- especially _twice-_ but, I'd thought my own against pillows or Ha-chan's was kind of sedating. Two in addition to my own is… oh my god.

As far as I can remember- which is, not that well right now- I haven't really been this comfy since I've come to Genoskyo. Just, like-... totally safe. Contained.

Stark contrast to yesterday, I guess. Late yesterday. The last part of that encounter was just a _blur_ of action, but from the moment that tinge of empty pain had hit me- when I was probably _freakin' gutted_ \- everything was so slow. The uneven digits of the spattered claw that _would've_ done me in, the disbelieving look of the person who'd _nearly_ killed me…

In retrospect, that feels like a big part of yesterday, now. Of course- the pain _after_ was a fuckin' rollercoaster, but I think I've just kind of blocked that out, even now. That was _bad._

But, my mind feels so slow, right now. And, that's _good…_

...All this thinking's kind of woken me up, but that doesn't make this position any less comfy. I wonder if I can slip back to sleep.

Safe and helpless at the same time. It's… amazing.

Seemingly sinking back into the body I'm lying on, I let out a breath. Maybe I should hug tighter- no, I _will_ hug tighter, because I want to feel better.

That's… not bed, that my hands slip under. That's… powder? I don't _know…_

This anomaly justifies briefly snapping open my tired eyes. I do so… kind of. Okay, now I really-

Oh. Well, that…

My face is near the pale skin of Genkan's left breast, the porcelain skin jogging my memory. This is her room, and she's… those are her arms, around me and pressed into me, just beneath _another_ weight pressing into me.

Oh my god, I'm in her _bust._ There was no way I just _rolled_ into this position- she totally turned me into a body pillow. Woah…

"Mnh…" I don't even know how Ha-chan got in here, but she's on my back. Her arms are kinda clinging awkwardly to Genkan's sides, below me. Me and Genkan are stomach to stomach, and for some reason my kimono's a little looser than usual… as is hers, considering flesh is exposed.

So… Ha-chan's softness is weighing down onto me, and that's squishing me into Genkan's soft body.

...I think it's back to sleep. This is where someone who isn't self-aware goes 'hurr what are these emotions I feel', but I know what I'm feeling. This has to be love- or something close. This _comfort_ can't be anything but some kind of love, and I honestly don't really care about the logic behind it right now. I feel loved; that's all that matters right now.

I can... think about what this means later. I wanna sink… and being enveloped in Genkan's bosom is kind of… detracting from my brain stuff…

…

…

"Brad." A- ah, whah…

S'Genkan's voice. "Wake up." I am _well rested_ , dude. And- I'm still laying in an _embrace._ Holy shit…

"I'm ah…" Why am I staring into one of 'er _boobs_ , anyway. "I'm… up…?"

"It's time to snuggle…" Ha-chan's smug voice comes from behind- above, _somewhere near me._ My _back._ Also, I can hear the crinkling of a cheap winter coat. She's prepared for winter, dude. "Brad-kun's really snuggly right now…!"

Aw frik. Here comes the anxiety, son! I've never been in this situation before, son! What do do~, son…!?

I push against the snow- oh, no-

 _Crunch._ -only for my hands to sink in, and it feels warm for some reason. Freakin'... as a result, my face ends up against Genkan's _chest flesh._ Like, that upper chest part above the boobs but before the neck. Wow… I'm so trapped. I've… been captured...

"...So he is." Genkan, why is your kimono _loose_. I'm pretty much kissing your collar, like this. Also, this is doing _no good_ for my hormones. I don't think that even needs to be _said_. Does- is there a bathroom in this cave!? Hnngh...

"...Morn' 'n'..." I let out an awkward good morning, Ha-chan's weight awkwardly smooshing me into Genkan and making talking hard. Like, either I lay my cheek on her _collar_ or I talk into her neck. No amount of visualization or pretending's prepared me for being _this_ close to someone. It's… overwhelming. We've… gone too far…!

…

How awkward! Well, back… to sleep-

Woah, energy spike. Why~. "Wake up." Genkan suggests…! No. You're amazing… I just wanna sleep.

Pushing against the snow- with the sides of Genkan's kimono as leverage this time- I look up in spite of Ha-chan pressing my back down into her...

Genkan… looks pretty peaceful. She raises a brow at my nearly asleep expression… "I don't think I've ever seen you this willing to stay settled."

...I dunno what to _say._ For some reason, I'm… really tired still. Also, _this embrace is really distracting._ Once I get moving, I'll be business as usual, but for now, I'm freakin'... I'm buried, son. Buried in _chicks_. No- it's not 'for some reason', I'm tired because this is a _heaven-tier_ level of relaxing.

I should say something before I'm mistaken for a mute. "...Well. I'm just… real comfy." Maybe I shouldn't've said anything…

Genkan snorts, and I _feel it._

Closing my eyes, I give up. Too… much stuff...

"Brad-kun sounds really tired…" Ha-chan shifts on top of me weirdly. What the frik're you even doing…? "It's making me sleepy, too…"

"If we sleep any longer…" Genkan kinda sorta protests, looking down at me the entire time. "Soon it will be noon." Nice _rhyme…_

I rest my head on her upper chest again, 'cause it took _effort_ to hold it up. There we go...

...

Silence, because I'm really not in the mood to _interact_ , which is like, a first right off the bat. "If you need to rest longer…" Whah. Genkan just… wiggles a little, and closes her eyes. "I suppose a few more hours couldn't hurt." Yes.

"Ya~y." Ha-chan- _woah face in the back of my neck_. "Mrmrm…" I just want to… lay here forever. The day can wait. Everything can wait. I want _this..._

...I shift a little against Genkan's legs 'cause _almighty hormones on fire_. Wait no no no, we're not going down that slope. That's okay with my _pillow mech,_ this is different. No lust, only sleep.

Ah, shit. I think I woke myself up…

...Genkan looks down in response to my _wiggling,_ her expression… neutral, if weirdly ignorant of the fact _why_ I'm shifting. Or, maybe not? "I don't think he's going to be able to fall asleep, like this." She totally knows. I think.

"Wha~t…" Ha-chan, don't talk into my neck... "Aw~."

…

"I, ah…" Immediately losing my train of thought, I let myself rest on Genkan again-

Wa~h. She rolls over, and dumps me into the snow-

"Eee~...!" Ha-chan springs up and away, the snow chilling her!

...This leaves me in the… cold snow? Despite my kimono being on- albeit loose- my resistances don't kick in? Or-

Some kind of heat _flourishes_ across my features; a pleasant, aura-y, encompassing warmth. "Woa~ht is this…"

...As it sort of tapers off, I- hey, there's my morning energy, kind of! I'm surprisingly _cold_ , but not chilly, without whatever it was.

"...I shared some heat with you." Why's Genkan informing me so _softly?_ "It began as a way to keep your fairy warm. It happened to course through you. I'm not sure what you would feel."

Apparently _good._ Is that what Genkan feels when she steals souls? 'Cause if so… I don't _think_ I blame her, yo…!

I probably look half in the bag, 'cause I _am._ Genkan always does a fucking _number_ on me. Here I thought I was past slow mornings, too…

I wanted to sleep more. I just… wanted to sleep.

She sits up properly, and her kimono folds across her partially exposed features. "I think... that's enough of that. You certainly seem to be feeling better."

I'm pretty sure she's referring to my boner, which I freakin' brushed against her thigh earlier. _Fully clothed_ , mind you, invisible head audience. Still- hnngh. Urges...

"Yeah. I _think_ I'm good…!" Quick, shove erection into the snow! And-... I don't think that helped. Somehow.

"Why's your room so _co~ld_ …!?" Ha-chan hugs herself in the air over us!

...Instead 'a dignifying that question with a response, Genkan drifts onto her legs while I _precariously_ try to get up and _not_ look like I'm hiding a freakin' longsword in my pants.

"Now that we've had our… leisure fix." Drifting towards the door- well, 'door', more like a-... that iceway wasn't shattered before, was it? "...Hmm. The door was forced open."

...Ha-chan gently coasts next to her. "Sorry~. I had to get Cirno-chan, and she dunno much about doors, so…"

 _Calmer now,_ I move up next to the friends as they navigate out into the main room. Dah- holy _shit_. My _dried guts_ are still on the floor! Pfft…

"Hohoho…!" I take a _reserved chuckle_ at them!

...Shooting me a raised brow, Genkan glances at what I'm glancing at, before snorting. "...It's good that you find that funny."

"S'a little _surreal_ , innit…!?" Not sure what those chunks are, and I'm not excited to find out! It just _being there_ s'a little comically extreme…!

...Makes my _tummy squeamish,_ dude. Speaking of which, it feels like I have all my parts now! That's probably good!

Also, I didn't notice it the night before, but there's mana prizes all over the floor now. I need _health prizes_ , not mana prizes. Freakin'...

 _Fwash._ Before we even reach it, Genkan opens the partial remnants of another smashed doorway.

...There's a fireplace in here, but it's frozen. Maria's crouched in front of a small bonfire, that seems to be made from Cirno's clothes.

Cirno herself is lying half-naked beside a derelict looking lamp. Wat.

"...Ah." She looks over at us! "You're up…"

"What happened here?" Genkan, too, is confused.

"Cirno here froze the fire you got going…" Maria gestured to the ice. "...I couldn't melt it, and most of the things here aren't flammable- and you own that chair, so um…"

That _is_ a rather nice, if half-melted from age red chair Genkan's got before the fire.

"You knocked her out and stripped her down." Genkan put it plainly! "...It's only appropriate, I suppose. Sorry to keep you waiting."

"O- oh, it's okay…" Maria stammers, standing next to Cirno's freakin' pyro'd laundry 'n' pursing her arms. "Are you feeling better, Brad?"

...That's a statement I should've expected, but _didn't!_ "Aa~h, ye. Ye _ye._ "

...We all pan our gaze to Cirno's clothes, which're just cinders now.

Ha-chan approaches the fire, holding up hands fitted with little mittens…! "Warm…"

Warm, huh. It _looks_ warm.

That reminds me. I don't got any plans for today…!

...Genkan steps over to her fireplace-

 _Fwish._ -and immediately dispelled the ice that Cirno filled it with, her palm facing the now empty stove.

I think that last fight could've gone _better._ If only because the pain of being gutted is actually _pretty bad_ , a~nd I'm not eager to try that again! I can't believe I haven't been making more use of _Market Gardener_ , though. Maybe now that we've got, uh…

...Turning, I see Seikatsu just _behind us._ She's covered in snowy clumps, for some reason. _Camouflaged,_ son.

"We… probably shouldn't stay here awhile." Genkan announced, backing away from the bonfire in the room's midst. "Shimokoa is quite… determined. It's hard to place, but I know she'll pursue us in some way. She feels wronged, and vehemently so."

Yeah, well she can take a freakin' boot to the cunt. "...We should _probably_ do somethin' anyway. Go somewhere, rather..." Weren't we going to go to the human village? That's a, eh… that's an _eh idea_. So far, that place has been nothing but bad news the past few days! We've probably just been unlucky, though.

"I thought... we were gonna return to the human village." Maria remembers this plan! "It'd keep us safe, I think." A number of places would keep us safe, really… as long as we don't camp in a freakin' _tree somewhere_ or stand still really long.

...Fire crackling, and things, dude. The amber glow of it makes the ice in here a curious like, lime green, when paired with the blue-cyan monotone the ice of this cave normally has. It'd probably look white if things were brighter. Maybe it's just _yellow._

"I still can't believe… that she reacted so _violently,_ so quickly." Staring into the flames, Genkan recalled the evening. Or, was it noonish? Hmm. "...It's not-... actually that hard to believe. She was always very resolute, sure of herself and authoritative. Of my sisters… I'd normally say that I trust her as much as I trust Whiterock."

If Letty fights us, I'm just gonna run inside Reimu's room and sleep in her futon until she makes the yuki-horde stop. I won't assume she's hostile, though…!

Anyway, ooh. "...How often didja talk?" Good friends, o~r…?

"Once every few months." Genkan gave a slow nod. "We were quite active friends, I suppose."

...I- wait, that doesn't quite check out… "Active friends and once every few months." I point out the inconsistency…! "Pick one, yo."

...She just gives me a _questioning stare,_ before glancing between me and the flames. Bringing her hands together, she responds. "Well, I suppose to a human, that would be a… drought of communication. Normally, yuki-onna- or… at least _I_ , would not communicate for months or years at a time, beyond small talk in the midst of events."

Y'know. I'd _call that_ lonely, but when it came to me, my school life and the computer… I was about the exact same, lemme tell ya!

"I suppose I would better define communication as engaged conversation." Genkan reaffirmed herself with another nod to the air. Hoh. "We had conversations that would span hours, and stay within contact for multiple days, before formally parting. Her occurrence here was likely abysmal timing…"

Making a pretty 'well shit' kinda face, she just huffs. "...She's not a… _bad_ person. Just… incredibly foolhardy, and… rash. As well as apparently ignorant. And… and…" She seems kinda reluctant to roast this friend of hers! "...Perhaps she doesn't put as much thought into things as she believes she does. Nor as _I_ believed she did."

This whole event's probably put a dent into everyone's ways of thinking!

Looking up at me, Genkan approaches…! "There's nothing that can justify what she did to you, but… the least we could do is continue to extend… peace? No. Neutral relations. It would be sort of- no, it _would_ be hypocritical to attack her… but we shall reserve the right to defend ourselves. I don't _want_ to hurt her, but I will if she continues to act out of line."

...Yeah, a crit hanger to the jaw and about ten million plumes of fire counted as warning shots. We need _bigger hangers_ , dude. Also, bigger fire, bigger… we're _gonna need a bigger boat…!_

Now that the _quiet's_ rolled in, maybe I should say something. "...I mean. That _happened."_ Havin' second thoughts, son…! "I've just kinda… I dunno, I guess I've just kinda _passively processed_ these uh, events…!"

It's kind of funny how not angry I am about nearly getting killed. That yuki-onna still needs a flaming boot to the cunt, though.

Also, getting snuggled by Genkan and Ha-chan kinda offset the whole nearly dying thing. It's like a parting man's wish, without the parting. A man's wish, son…!

…Snap crackle and pop. This fire's about to stop…!

Ohp, oh, yeah, there it went. Cirno's clothes are now ash.

"Aww~..." Staring at the ash mournfully, Ha-chan claps her mitts together! "The fire went out."

...She looks over at us! "What're you guys talking about…?" Oh, right, she wasn't around to witness me nearly die. Daa~h…!

Genkan just gives her a _soft stare._ "...It's nothing. We just had an argument with a friend of mine."

"Oh." She blinks. S'not _technically_ lying! And, Ha-chan probably _doesn't need to know_ what happened. I dunno how she'd even take it, and let's _not find out_.

"Well…" Maria moves past the ash, feeling at the small rips in her undershirt from the small stabs she previously got the other day. Well, small compared to _what happened to me._

Speaking of, my kimono's… pretty fine after that, mostly. _Plenty_ of rips, but no big gash; the cloth might've gotten blown out of the way while I was freakin' rocket jumping around.

"We should probably… move, and do stuff." Maria proposes! "I don't know what to think about your friend, Genkan…"

"...Me either." Genkan agrees with her!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Seikatsu, _cloak._ " She doesn't _really_ need to be visible the whole time…

 _Fli- flick_. She vanishes for the time being, but she's _always watching._

We have escaped the ice cave! My old guts have been left behind in their slowly darkening clump on Genkan's floor. We need to come back later and just see a black mass there. Or even better, nothing 'cause _some_ youkai came up and licked up the black, clotted remains. Aa~h… aa~h!

A~nd… s'a rather sunny day today, dude. It's already almost noon…! We slept like freakin' _logs._

 _Fwa~sh!_ "Hehehe~!" Someone's _freezing things_ nearby, and it's not us! Nor Cirno; she's still inside sleeping like a log herself.

...Genkan just kinda looks around at the noise idly.

After we take a few steps out into the open, making sure there's no _monster house_ right outside the front door-

"Ta da~!" Oo~h!

...A petite girl with short, pink hair leaps out from around a magic tree to our left! "I~t's me! Ichigo-yuki~!" She looks, uh, _kinda_ like a yuki-onna? She's in a bright pink kimono, fit with _snowflake patterns._

I glance over at Genkan, and she just looks _bored._

The small girl begins to bound towards us! "Genka~n! I heard everything! I'll save yo~u!" As she nears-

 _Fwoo~sh!_ A small, pink blizzard erupts over me, blinding my vision…!

 _Fwoa~sh!_ ...Woah. That feels _goo~d…!_ Healing energy runs across my form as a result, dude!

...Once the blizzard fades, I see Genkan before me. She's got her hand on the smaller girl's head, impeding her progress.

The smaller yuki-onna's flailing her limbs against Genkan's sides. "He- hey…! Come on! This is a _rescue!_ Stop picking on me when I'm tryin'a _save you!"_

"You're still stupid." Hoh, shit. Genkan talks down to her…! "By some anti-miracle, you're also even more annoying now than before."

"Sto~p…" Slowly, 'Ichigo-yuki' stops struggling. "I- I'm just…"

I step around to get a good look 'a her. "She a friend 'a yours, yo…?"

"If you consider the biggest nuisance in my life a friend, then yes." Aw. It's a _cuddle friend,_ dude.

...I grin at 'er! "Ta be fair yo, yer friends wit' me!"

"A- pfft…" Genkan's stoicism slips up! "...Point."

Ha-chan navigates past Genkan, towards the tiny-framed yuki-onna friend…

...Ichigo-yuki just kinda steps back once Genkan preemptively gets outta the way, and looks up at the fairy. "Wo- woah. Tall fairy. Where'd you come from?"

"You're _tiny."_ Ha-chan can hardly contain herself!

...The thin yuki-onna just looks around almost anticipatingly, before turning around and attempting to bolt-

Ha-chan glomps onto her from behind! "Hehehe~!"

"Whah- no~!" Ichigo-yuki flails her limbs! "Genka~n! Re- rescue me rescuing you!"

"If I was in genuine danger, you'd have already failed miserably." Genkan's trying _really hard_ not to smirk at the visual, and it's not working…! "...You've grown since I've last seen you."

"A- ah, shut up…" The pink yuki-onna withers in Ha-chan's embrace… "And what've _you_ been doin'? Reading that book over and over again, while you sit an' float around in circles all day!?"

"...Well, yes." Genkan admits! "However… just recently, I've come to an epiphany. I'm hoping _you_ of all my sisters would bear hearing me out over this. What have you heard?"

...Ichigo-yuki looks placated, while she superficially struggles against Ha-chan's arms. "We- well, Shimo-chan was all like, 'ooh something wicked is going on', like whenever she usually is when she's really mad, and I yelled at her a lot, and then she told me you were in trouble- and-..." She trails off as Ha-chan nuzzles her hair. "He- hey. Well anyway- she cried and stuff and looked really weird, and basically, _she said somethin' about you being torn apart_ , so yeah." She finishes her _rant_ sheepishly. Oh.

…

"But you're not!" She realizes! "...You're in one piece! ...I think it was like… _mentally_ torn apart. So I thought you got exploded. But you _didn't._ "

...Genkan's just _facepalming._ Maria looks uncertain of the dubious information…! Or _jaded._ I think I'll go with jaded…!

"If I were to put things in your terms…" Genkan began to explain life to the tiny one. " _Basically._ Humans are not bad people."

...Ichigo-yuki furrowed her brows. "But, they kill us and stuff. They're stupid."

"Some do. Not all." Genkan puts it simply. It's a lot easier to explain common sense to the childishly simple, especially when they listen! "No more, or any different, than random youkai seem-... than anyone else kills one another." She makes _sure_ to keep it simple, too!

"How do you know, though…?" The yuki-onna frowned at her. "If a human was here, I bet they- he'd try to kill all of you ri~ght now!"

Yeah, dude. If a human was here. Boy am I scared of humans.

"Is… that so." Givin' her a _tilted stare_ , Genkan begins to drift over towards me. Hello, friend…

"Yeah." Ichigo-yuki nodded vigorously… "Like, you." She looks over at Maria! "I got told stories of big mean guys who touch girls like us. And…" Then, she looks over at me! "There's old ladies who touch guys too!"

Furrowing her brows as she reaches me, Genkan looks weirded out…! " _Where_ did you hear that last one."

"..." Aw. Radio silence. "...I made it _up_. But I think it's true, 'cause some of them are gross, and y'know, one of them has to be evil _and_ gross! And _touch people!"_

Yukari's an old lady who touches dudes. Except… she is a youkai!

Bringing her arm up behind me, Genkan speaks. "He is a human."

...Her eyes slowly widen! "Wh- ah-"

" _She_ is a human." Genkan gestures to Maria! ...An', in response, Maria _waves,_ dude.

"...No~." Ichigo-yuki shakes her head vigorously, still in freakin'... Ha-chan's _embrace._ "She's a _magician._ They're _different,_ I think. And he's hairy and weird so he's probably a human-... or a _wolf guy._ " What, no.

"...If that helps you be at rest." Shakin' her head, Genkan continues to move forward. "She's a non-threat. Let's continue."

"I am _too_ a threat." Despite this retort, she's still stuck in Ha-chan's arms…! "I'm just _nice..._ "

Aw. "You're _nuzzleable,_ dude." Fun-sized yuki-friend. That snow smelled like _strawberries._ Well, this was a good first bounty hunter to get sent after us, yo. She knew what she was doing. We're all dead now, dude.

So we move forward into the… half 'n' half sorta brush between the noob woods and the magic woods.

"...I'm not _nuzzleable._ " Small yuki-friend looks over at me, from Ha-chan's arms as she follows next to me! " _You're_ nuzzleable. Whatever that means."

...In response, Ha-chan leans towards me to nuzzle! Aa~h…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Do we _really_ wanna enter the human village today, though? Like… _really really?_

Today, the gate to the village is just… _open_ , which seems suspicious. There's an old guy who's _not_ a guard dragging trash cans outside the walls, slowly…

"Why're we _here!?"_ Ichigo-yuki freaks out, trying to thrust out of Ha-chan's arms repeatedly every second! "We're all gonna _di~e!_ No~!"

...Ha-chan looks _really_ stoked about holding onto her for dear life. Aww!

...Almost restlessly, Genkan drifts around the gate to get a better view of the inside of it before we proceed-

 _Cla- clank!_ She tipped a garbage can over by accident, making us all jump!

" _Eep!_ " Ichigo-yuki especially, who jumps so hard Ha-chan gets _air time._

" _He~y…!_ " Hollering from inside the gate, the old annihilated dude shakes his arm at us, letting go of a trash can! "Dohn' touch my stuff…!"

...Standing still, Genkan watches him with a sort of soft expression, as he hobbles over towards us, his back hunched and age pretty uh, visible…

"A- agh…" Oh, shit, he-

 _Thud._ -fell over, after slipping on _the dirt I guess_ , landing on his arms and legs-

"Ngh…" And then he gave up, just flopping onto his side. What the fuck.

"...Um?" Maria holds her hands to her mouth, _confused._ Even Ichigo-yuki's just kinda… staring on sorta pityingly.

Walking up to him, I just kinda crouch down, slide my arms on under 'em, and… inhale as I lift-

Hu~p! Up an' up and up…! Hoo- the fact I'm getting this done at all means he's way underweight…!

 _Oof._ There we go, got 'em back on his legs…! He smells like _beer_ and _something garbage-y_. Euh.

"...Aah." He looks around for a moment, before- "Pftuh!" -spitting at the dirt. Then, he looks over at me! "Thanksh, kid. Yer alright."

"...If I'm not out of place in asking this…" Reluctantly, Genkan nears us with her arms at her sides neutrally. "Why are you… moving all of your 'stuff' outside the village?"

"Thoshe _damn_ Codas…" He seems to not be concerned about my clearly inhuman company. Hobbling forward, he makes for the trash can Genkan accidentally bumped over. I'm not sure if he hobbles 'cause he's _drunk_ or just _old._ Maybe both! "Bitch up 'n'... sold my _house!_ Af' everythin' I did for 'em, leavin' me _hi~gh an' dry!_ Kaugh- kauf... _"_ Worked up a cough in his anger! "Afer' tha' old _fag_ died… she up 'n' 'came boss 'a everythin'."

"...Ah." I don't think Genkan knows how to process this…! "Even so… could you not, you know, reside in the alleys at best?"

...The hobo just stares at her blankly for a moment, ceasing movement. Then- " _Ha~ hahaha!_ " Clutchin' his gut, he laughs! Ha ha, ha- "I'd take a chance wit' _youkai_ ova' the sh~ _it's_ been goingh- kauf, kaugh-... goin' down in _here!"_

That bad, huh. "...Well." I'm _not sure_ what to tell him! "...Is it _really_ though?" I'm a little skeptical of this bold action of his!

...It takes him like a few seconds to turn to me, but then he beams. " _Hell yeah_ , kid! Haven' sheen _shit!_ Thish place used ta be a' least _safe!"_

Hoh. Y'know what, yo.

Just to prove him wrong, I take some steps inside, and-

 _Bam!_ Ah- what the fuck!? A yin-yang orb slams into the ground before me! "Woah, shit!" I jump on reflex!

Reimu's form roars by me in a blur of motion, a _spray of needles_ forming a stream in her wake.

...In her wake, an awkwardly oversized, solid and reflective steel replica of her floats after the real one a good margin slower, bands of luminescent runes revolving around it, its arms outstretched.

...I just kinda... _turn back_. "Ah." Within the moment, the giant metal Reimu clone was out of sight.

" _Shee~!?"_ He throws his arm at the spectacle after it's passed! "What the _fuck_ wa' that!?"

So I was right about the giant magnetic metal Reimu. Good.

...Turning back to my party, I give 'em a grin as I look around…! Yeah, Genkan looks about as done as I feel. Ichigo-yuki just looks apprehensive, and Ha-chan's grinning with me!

Someone's behind Maria, what the fuck. Standing _right_ behind her. I point! "Who the frik're you…!?"

...Maria blinks, and I thrust my finger up into the air! "Turn a'round…!"

She does- and then she leaps back, almost fumbling for her staff. "Woa- hey, hey…!"

"Who are you?" Genkan floats over to her, with static posture as she likes to adopt in the air…

The girl behind Maria was some kinda _cat girl_ , with tiny red ears in her scruffy _red hair._ She's _pretty tall,_ too. Got a _white suit_ on, her thin red tail exposed through the back of it.

...She just kind of glances around at us. After an awkward pause, she speaks bluntly. "Have any of you seen the village guard?" For some reason, she looks kinda tired!

I almost jump, 'cause the hobo began sliding a heavy-sounding trashcan full of his _stuff_ across the front of the gate! "Ha~h. Lazy bashtards're gettin' a new brief today. Makesh it a good time ta get out!"

...Staring at the hobo for another awkwardly long period of time, she replies to that. "Or, a good time to _get in._ "

"Yeah, if yer _shtupid!_ _Hahaha~h!_ Ha- kauf- ugh..." Oof, yo. This guy's gonna freakin' cough his lungs out.

Ignoring the rest of us, the cat girl speed walks with the stride of the gods, almost whirling past us with a freakin' efficient gait. Then, she stops in the gate, almost contemplative.

...Maybe we should _do something_ , because she's _kinda weird._ I dunno.

 _Cla- clank!_ Who knocked his _stuff_ over this time!?

We all freakin' turn to the noise. It's another new noob! Clad in a plaid vest- that's Yuuka Kazami.

...The hobo just kinda hobbles backwards from her, as she displaces the trash can that was in her way to the front gate!

Coming to a stop, she too idles in the midst of the gate. Except, she speaks! "You really shouldn't leave all this trash here. It's not good for the plants."

This gate must have bad DSL today. Everyone's lagging!

...The hobo just _says nothing_ , continuing back until he almost bumps into me. Oh, he's _shaking too._

Pivoting around, the cat girl leans past the Yuuka before her to view the tipped over trash can. Upon seeing the contents- which seem to be bottles, rags and _bricks_ from over here, among some weird debris crap- her flat, dry expression doesn't change.

...Yuuka just stares at the cat in her way.

"...Is that _beer?"_ The cat girl observes the bottles splaying out on the ground curiously, as she reinforces her lean past Yuuka!

"Excuse me." Yuuka's trying to move forward, yo.

 _Fwish._ The cat girl almost slides back from her…! "There's more than enough room to move _around_ me."

"Enough room for you to move." Yuuka counter-logics! Then, she slowly proceeds forward again. "Not that I expect a stray cat to know decency."

This response makes the cat pause in thought for a moment, as Yuuka steps up to her…

"That's awful rude of you." Propping her arms on her hips, the cat girl seems to be _intentionally trying_ to piss her off. "I thought the elderly were supposed to be _civil."_

...Yuuka _smiles_. It's a _soft smile._

...Holding up her hand before the cat, an orange, bulbous flower grows from her palm. "My mistake. Here."

Once again, the cat does one of her long, awkward stares! She seems to be fond of those. Maybe she really likes _thinking._ "...You know, I'm not-"

 _Boom!_ The flower in Yuuka's palm just explodes into a flash of amber!

The tuft of smoke clears, and the cat's left standing there with her hair blown back and charred. Her dry expression's somehow drier than before. "...I wish you hadn't _done_ that."

Yuuka proceeds a step-

 _Fwish._ The cat pivots in a blur, sprinting down the road, before doing another bullet pivot into an alleyway.

...We all just watch as Yuuka continues to walk down the main village road, the ambient villagers inside getting the hell out of the way.

…

I turn to Genkan. "You know _what_ , yo. How about we _don't_ go to the village today, and say we _did?"_ It looks like hot shit in there right now! Giant flying magnetic metal Reimu, a freakin' _weird cat_ , and _Yuuka Kazami_.

" _Hoo~h…_ " The old hobo man lets out the biggest exhale ever. " _Hahahaha~h!_ Yeah, boy- even that fuckin' _vampire mansion_ sounds li' a slice 'a heaven now!" Little does he know, yo!

...I grin at Genkan! I think she gets the memo!

"Um…" Stepping out from around Genkan, after _retreating due to seeing Yuuka_ , Maria finds herself… "Where will _you_ live?" She questions the hobo on his life decisions. "It's not safe out here either, you know…"

He waves her concern off. "Aah. Me I think I'll head t' tha' temple… saw them sexy monk ladies goin' 'bout with their _karate_ and their _genies_ … s'prolly better than the shitty boys we got in the barracks!"

Hobbling forward, he tries to bend down to lift up the tipped over trash can… "Hnn- nngh… gah!" He springs back from it, sort of staggered!

...A _mouse_ pops out of the trash can, and scurries off! This gives 'em a _chuckle._ "Ah- heheheh. Looksh like I ha' a lil buddy!"

"...I don't think we should just _leave him_ here." Hoh, shit, Genkan speaks into my ear in quiet…! "If unattended, I _extremely doubt_ he would survive." Yeah, that's pretty… blatant.

But, escorting him and carrying his _stuff_ for him seems like… a lotta' freakin'-

More mice arrive! They just kinda _scurry past us_ , marching ahead and like… circling the gatefront clearing around us, as if scouting the area. Holy _shit_ , they're strategic mice! We must defend the stuff!

" _Strategy mice!"_ I warn our friends of the predicament! "The worst kind of mice…!"

"A- ah, mice…!?" Ichigo-yuki starts struggling again for the first time in awhile! "Ew, ew, ew…!" It seems that Ha-chan's settled into nuzzling her hair, looking peaceful…

...Just kinda ignoring them, the hobo returns to looming over the tipped over trash can. "Ah, shit… gonna hafta… take it all out 'n' put it back in, and nngh, what I'd do fer…" Grumbling, he starts to position himself around the top of the tipped can…

Well. I guess we should, uh, extend an offer to-

"Hey, mister guy." Oh, woah, _another noob._ We gotta get away from this gate before we aggro more assholes!

Wait, it's just Nazrin, that's fine. Aw, yo…

...The old hobo turns to her, brows furrowed. " _Anotha'_ kid. You ditchin' this dump, too?"

Making a focused expression, she weighs how to respond. "...Sure." She's the big mouse that makes all of the rules!

Gesturing to us, he stumbles back a few steps and starts talking! "I just tol' theshe kids ta get the hell out, and they _are._ It's a great time ta leave this broken down place, y'hear? Never look back!" He's pretty determined to get the hell out of here!

"I'll help you move your stuff to the temple." Nazrin offers before we do! "I heard you wanted to go there, and I… _work there_ , so yeah."

...After staring at her for a moment, the hobo's lips curved to smile! "Oo~h! I- I know you!"

Nazrin blinks! "...You do?"

"You mush' be the _lil mousey!_ " He spreads his arms, regarding her highly! " _Al~righ'!_ At least _shomeonesh_ grateful fer wha' I' done fer 'em!" Thrusting his arms into the air, he does a slow celebration!

...Not willing to dispute this, Nazrin just compromisingly nods! "Something like that. He _did_ put in a good word for you…"

Turning around, she scans the village interior, before bringing her fingers to her mouth and _whistling._ I don't know how to type out the onomatopoeia of a whistle!

...Slowly but surely, a small squad of mice round an alley corner, and within their ranks are like… woah.

 _Capybaras,_ dude! The not-mice the size of dogs! They're coming around the corner ten-twenty strong or so…!

Well, kind of. They're sort of _liberal_ about beelining ahead, but the mice seem to be encapsulating the few leaders so that _they_ don't wander off. The rest seem to just kind of always hang onto the formation, despite grievously going off track or stopping at points.

" _Oo~h…!"_ The hobo gapes at the capybara herd! " _Hahahahaa~h! Ha-_ kaugh, kauf…!" Freakin'... "Kh- hahaha! An' that bitch shaid I'd _di~e_ out here, an' look at me no~w!"

...Nazrin's just giving him a _smile._ It's a sort of awkward one!

Dude, here comes the capybara herd. Man, they're nuzzleable looking.

"Oh my god they're so big…" Ichigo-yuki stares at the herd apprehensively…!

Genkan looks perplexed, for some reason. I'm not sure if it's the capybara, or the fact they're in a herd, or the fact they're in a herd to carry a hobo's trash cans.

...When the tubby friends slow down, Nazrin puts her hands on the tipped over trash. "Alright, I need our mages to help lift this thing…" Mages? Wait…

Some of the smaller, white-furred mice navigate around the trash can on the opposite side of her. After they form a line, Nazrin's hands glow and the _mice glow too_ , as the can is lifted into the air, a telekinetic aura enveloping it.

"Ho ho ho~ly shit!" The hobo marvels at the magic…! I don't know how to feel about him going ho ho ho too…!

The can is placed on a capybara's back. Then-

 _Fwi- fwish._ Some brown-colored mice move up along the capybara's sides from just _around the village walls_ , and once they get near, yellow, runic bands surround the big rodent, as well as the can.

Then, the telekinetic glow stops. The can stays in place, and the capybara continues to wander around slowly and peacefully, as if it didn't even have a load on its back.

Wow. Nazrin has a _system_ to this shit, dude.

"Wo~w…" Maria marvels similarly. "Reinforcement magic… for _mice._ " Mice buffs. Holy shit.

...I step up to Nazrin! "So you _can_ lead capybara…!"

"Huh?" She looks up at me from her commanding and things. "...Oh, yeah. Well, no. They just kind of do whatever, but you can move 'em around in groups, and they're _big_ , so they're useful tanks and carriers. More as carriers, 'cause they're rarer than most mice."

...One of the capybara walks up to me, and boops my ankle with its big mousey muzzle, before turning off from me gradually… they're like mice except the opposite of fast. I guess that's what happens when you take a small build and just scale it up by ten. Image upscaling artifacts everywhere!

"They're so slow…" Genkan crouches just a little to get a better look at them…! "Are they really mice?"

"...They're _capybara._ " Nazrin corrects her! "Which are… _related_ to mice. They're rodents too. They don't really care about a lot, and they don't listen to orders. They go pretty fast when threatened, so they're more useful as carriers than you'd think. But, _only_ when threatened."

Man, they're tubby. While Nazrin's been plainly explaining capybara to us, more trash cans have been getting set up onto the animal's backs in the background. The hobo only had like six or seven cans out here, so there's well more than enough capybara to carry them.

In this time, the capybara have ceased slowly wandering around, and are almost all just… standing around. They look really satisfied with existing, though.

Before long, we'd watched all the trash cans get loaded on. As for the remaining capybara…

"Ranged artillery and A-A…" Nazrin claps her hands together. "Sit on the wings."

...All of a sudden, mice come from all directions, scurrying towards the most derivative capybara of the posse, climbing on and resting on their backs. The big lugs just don't care, yo. The speed difference between the tinier mice and rats and the big boys is jarring.

Wait, _holy shit._ Those tiny mice- they have actual _little artillery_ and tiny paw-held cannons. Holy _shit._

"Oh, yeah." She turns to us and smirks! "They're strong swimmers, too. Not that we can do a lot with that, 'cause they dive and stuff. They can ford rivers." Holy shit, dude. _Technical strats_ …!

...Once all the mice and cans were positioned and set up respectively, Nazrin began to move. "Okay, alright…" Moving ahead, she clapped her hands a few times, before facing the capybara as she backed away.

Whistling, she marches backwards. Some of the ground mice rush about, but the capybara as a whole are very reluctant to do _anything._

...The good thing about this slow speed is that the hobo can _probably_ keep up with them.

Speaking of the hobo, he's kinda cautiously remaining at the side of them-

"Hey, mister guy!" Nazrin calls out to him! "...Walk with me up here or in front of the capybara. Or else they might follow you off to the side and split up the group, or you could get jumped by passing youkai."

"Ah, right, shure…" He does as she says, moving forward to get between her and the herd…

...As he did that, she held a hand up. "You know what, on second thought, I got a better idea. Walk around among the capies, don't stray."

Grumbling idly, he complies again. "Make up yer mind…"

...Moving into the center of the idle herd, Nazrin moves for what I think was the leader from earlier.

"Hup!" She hops onto his back! "...I wanna go for a ride." She seems to be talking to it, looking down at it. "It'll be fun. Please?"

…

Slowly, it turns _at all,_ which it hasn't done since it got out here. It seems to go the opposite direction of where Nazrin wanted to direct it earlier, walking off into the direction of the magic forest. "Ah, hey…" She tries to talk to it more as it moves away! "But it's bright and nice the other way. Big forest is hard."

...This seems to convince it, and instead it moves to the right of the village gate, which is actually the exact opposite of Nazrin's desire to go to the left of the gate. Still, it'll _probably_ get them there anyway, since they're moving around the village as it is.

Nazrin realizes this herself, and says nothing to interfere with the capybara's slow progression!

Once it gets far enough away from the herd, a few begin to follow, proceeded by more and more, until all of them are at least moving in _some direction._

A few walk past Maria, and she just seems to marvel at them…! "...I didn't know capybara _existed._ "

"You do now…!" I grin over at her! "Aren't they cuddly, dude."

"...Yeah. I think so." She _thinks so_ , dude!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We're almost to the mansion, dude. I have taken his advice! Of all the places that have ripped me a new one in the past couple days, the mansion should be a nice place to relax. The only rape I have to worry about there is fairy rape, and that's a mild embarrassment at worst.

"Hwaa~..." Ichigo-yuki yawns, now mounted on Ha-chan's back since we worked our way around the Misty Lake. She rubs an eye with a pink sleeve… "Mmn."

"We're almost there." Genkan regards her… before regarding me! "I'm counting on this being a relatively leisurely stay."

"I'm sure the biggest problem we'll have is _fairies."_ Satiatin' her worries, I stare ahead at the big gate of destiny. "The worst they'll do is grab our _genitals_ and shout rude things at us." Not the _rude things_ , son. Anything but the _rude things_ , son…!

"Wha- ah…?" Ichigo-yuki sorta wakes up at my description of our _anticipated experience!_ "What about _genitals…?_ What the heck're you talking about..." What the _heck_ , man. _Heck._

"Heck." I'm a heckler. "We're gonna get heckled by the hecking hecklers."

"...Heck." She agrees with me!

"He~ck." Ha-chan echoes us as she follows, walkin' along instead 'a floating. Not that she remembers she can fly half the time as it is, but Ichigo-yuki probably makes that hard right now. Hoh…

Meiling's sawing logs at the gate, dude.

...That _fluffle stand_ is to the left as always. It's a pretty stand up place.

...I think I'll commit mental suicide for that last joke! Find a room of nice-looking fairies, strip down, and let them _eat me alive._ There's also Koakuma, but that'd be actual suicide which is a no-no.

Once we get to Meiling, I- yeah, hold on. Holdin' a hand up, I motion for my party to wait. "Gimme a sec, yo…"

...They gimme a second! A whole _one_ second, yo.

But anyway, I walk up to the fluffle stand.

"hi" _This boy._

"...Hi." This boy.

"im a rollover accordion"

…

I just- I just kinda climb onto the desk. Like, yep, there we go, I'm on the desk now.

...Reaching into my bag, I draw Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber!

Crouching down, so I can see the fluffle just before me, I raise the hanger above my head! "Sing me~ the so~ng, of the piano ma~n!" A~nd _slam it the fuck down-_

 _Boom!_

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

There is one less fluffle stand in the world, son. Seikatsu's healing energy slowly restores my aching back, 'cause I flew from the stand and landed hard on the dirt with it! The interesting part is that she's _still invisible,_ so it's just kind of coming out of fucking nowhere. Our new yuki-friend doesn't seem to notice this act of god that's healing me!

"Why." Genkan gives me a blunt question, staring on dryly. Well, so is everyone else. Also, that woke up Meiling!

"...I wanted to tell it a good joke." I nod at her warmly. "And to light up its smoke." With bombs. Can you light a cigarette with explosives? Mokou needs to do that. Make a boom, and light the cigarette with the like _tip_ of the flame radius. That's some super cheesy action flick shit.

"Tell me the next time you do that…" Ichigo-yuki is just starting to settle down again…! "You made me _freak out._ "

Ha-chan's head is now in a block of ice. She's looking around idly, and I can see her move her eyes inside the ice…!

"You guys goin' on in?" Meiling's still leaning against the brick wall.

"Ye." I nod at her. "We's gonna wines 'n' dines, yo." ...Also. "Here's our _membership card_ , dude." I gesture to Ha-chan, who turns to me with her _blockhead._

"Mmm…" Still blinking the _sleepies from her eyes,_ Meiling hums at us idly.

...Then, after a moment of being a _loaf,_ she parts from the wall and half-stumbles over to the gate.

 _Crea~k._ It groans as she pushes it open! "Go on insi~de. Don't cause trouble, now…"

...I point at her! "Don't cause trouble yourself, yo! I know how you get up here in fronta' the gate!" Crazy go-fish parties, dude. With _hookers!_

"I won't snore too loud." She plays along, and waves us off as she props herself back against the wall! "As long as you don't blow the walls up, or something stupid…"

I'd make that a to-do if I knew how to do that without heavy dynamite or satchel charges. "Alright, yo."

...Once we all meander inside the gate-

 _Clank!_ It slams shut behind us!

"Wa- wait, I just realized…" Becoming more wakeful herself, Ichigo-yuki bat her eyes… "Why're we going in _here!?_ That vampire lives he~re!"

...Casually glancing over at her as we reach the front door, Genkan replies. "But, there won't be any _humans_ here. What's the problem."

"There's a _scary vampire_ here who _eats people!"_ The little yuki-onna yelled! "Are we stupid or something!?"

"Yes." I reply without hesitation…! "Very. Brave enough, or _foolish_ enough… to travel to the lost land! Our goal, to reclaim it from the malevolent dominion… of the _machines…!"_

...I get some good stares from the friends as the front door to the mansion swings open! It seems that horrible oil ice inferno we created the other day was erased from reality. Oh, yeah, and all the snow's gone.

"Where do you come up with some of this stuff…?" Staring at me with faux- _apprehension,_ Maria trots along with us as we transition to the midst of the foyer…

 _Thoom._ The door shuts on its own behind us, like all good doors should.

Despite this _probably_ happening before, Maria jumps anyway! "A- ah…"

That was the opening monologue to _Forsaken 64_ , by the way. Part of it! It just kinda popped into my head. I wonder if Kaguya or Sanae have N64 games, dude… or, if not that, emulators.

"Oh, gods…" Ichigo-yuki withers at the gloom of the mansion interior…! "I- I'm gonna get _eated…"_ Wat.

...Genkan's resisting a grin at that. _Eated,_ dude.

Anyway, this is a nice big place to be both big and small in. There's only a couple fairies milling about in the foyer at the moment…

"Gravity-chan…" Oh, hey, I think that's Dial-chan, the one whose shoes I stole or something to that effect. "How do you get big boobs?" Freakin'...

"...I don't know." Gravity-chan's a thinker of our time, dude.

It's time to call for some help before we just wander into the halls like assholes. " _Sakuya~hahaha~!"_ ...I wanted to do a Tarzan yell, but it came more out like demented laughter instead.

...But, no Sakuya. How _weird!_ Usually she turns up on a dime… unless she's playing _eat or get eated_ with Remilia, dude!

Or something. "Oof." I turn to the party leisurely…

...At the party's stares, I clarify! "I was callin' for the chief maid, yo…! Speakin' of- _Sakuya~hoo~!"_ Sakuya- yakuya, where are ya? We've got some work ta _do_ now…! Maybe we need some _Sakuya snacks._

"Whah…" Ichigo-yuki fluffs up on Ha-chan's back, for some reason. "What the _heck…"_ Aw. Heck, dude- okay, let's not start that again…!

"Hi." I turn to her.

She looks up from her wrist, a little diamond shape on it ceasing to glow. "...Hi!"

...I narrow my eyes at her.

Blinking at me, she knows, dude. She knows _I know._ "...U- um, what's up?"

...After a silent moment, I bear my teeth, and _ask it._ "Is today a Saturday?" A~nd then I drop the tense posture, yo.

She slouches. "...Wh- no. I dunno what day it is." Hahaha~nh.

"Why'd your wrist glow…?" Maria's gotten closer to her while she wasn't looking, dude-

"Whah!?" The yuki-girl almost falls off of Ha-chan from flailing! Then, she _stabilizes…_ "No- nothing! _No_ reason!"

"What…?" Genkan drifted up to her-

Leaping from Ha-chan's shoulders, the yuki-girl landed a couple feet away! "I just, um, got ice on my… hand? Ah- wha- ooa, hey!" Whirling up to her, Genkan grappled her wrist, and brought it closer to her face…!

...Then, Genkan let go and drift back a little. "Scrying, of our sort. That's for Shimokoa, isn't it?"

Ichigo-yuki just sighs, lookin' _defeated_. "...Well, yeah. It wasn't _my_ decision, y'know. But, she should know you're fine now and stuff. I dunno why she keeps pinging me every now an' then…"

Pinging, huh.

...The cyan diamond on her wrist lights up again!

Holding it up, Ichigo-yuki yells into it! "He~y! They found out!"

...The diamond just dims again, as it did last time. Ha-chan's looking around cluelessly, her head still blockified!

"No respo~nse." The strawberry yuki-onna pouted. "I thought she really liked me, too~... he~y." She begins to call out into it in a lower voice now… "He~y. Hee~y."

 _Fwish._ The diamond lights up yellow-

 _Cli- cli- clink!_ I hear the clattering of things on the other end!

" _Freeze!"_ Somewhere on the other end, Shimokoa's yelling out a spell…

" _Conjuring!"_ And that's Sakuya…! " _Misdirection!"_

 _Fwish._ The diamond flickered out again.

"Wha- hey!" Slapping her wrist, the yuki-onna furrowed her brows! "What're you doing!? C'mo~n…!"

So I guess that's why Sakuya's _busy_. That yuki-onna tried to break into _here_ , for some reason. Aw, dude, maybe if we scour the halls we can find them…!

Or not. I don't think it's our decision if we do!

"...So she's in _here._ " Genkan considered. She was still pretty relaxed, though. "It sounds as if she simply snuck in."

"I guess that maid's fighting her…" Stepping forward, Maria almost seems to want to move, but pauses when she doesn't know where to go. "Do you think she'll win?" Whah.

"...Who?" Your subject was unclear! "'Cause the maid's gonna win, no questions asked!"

She blinked at me, before looking around and focusing on me again. "But… hmm. She _did_ seem pretty strong looking…"

There's no contest, yo. Sakuya eats mid-tier youkai for breakfast. And she actually broke out a _spell card?_ S'all over, yo! Curbstomp battle…! It's actually hard to think who _could_ fight Sakuya on a realistic middle-ground without danmaku. Probably Remi, maybe.

Well, whatever's going on, we probably don't have to worry about it. "Let's become journeymans." I lead us on our quest to become journeymans down the rightmost hallway…

"Where are you taking us?" Genkan inquires, as Ha-chan and Maria just sorta follow me outta habit! "...If you know."

"To journeyland, yo." I don't know! "We're gonna go _relax_ and _walk around_ like _peaceful people._ " Like town NPCs.

...She seems to agree with this idea, 'cause she tags along with us! "We should find somewhere with atmosphere. Or, if not that, books."

 _Books, huh._ Yeah. This place has books alright.

…

"He- hey! Don't leave me behind…!" Ichigo-yuki romps after us!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

As expected, we have yet to find the library _or_ the Sakuyamania!

Instead, we've found a room I've never really seen before. It's big and long, like Sakuya's twelve inch futa dick. Well anyway- it's like a huge, weirdly oblong room with _three_ fountains in a row in the middle.

"...I've never been here before." I communicate to the friends. "What the frik." What's this room layout.

The two fountains on the left bear identical Remi-styled statues, while the one to the right of them has nothing emblematic or unique, it's just _a fountain._

...Stepping up to one of the fountains, Maria stares in. "Wow. There's even water, in here. That's kind of cool…"

...You know, she's kinda right! Water is a unique terrain dynamic in here, even if it's inside of a fountain!

"This is new!" Ha-chan runs up to the fountain, too! "And good!" New and good and cool!

While Genkan, Ichigo-yuki and the now-thawed Ha-chan gather around the fountain, I climb onto the rim-

 _Splash!_ -and roll on in!

"Okay, why…?" Genkan's mystified!

"I'm looking for _secrets!"_ It's like a fuckin' DOOM map in here, dude!

"In a _fountain?"_ She rounds the fountain to examine me as I _slosh through the water_ like a freakin' loon…! "...I know you have moments of _enlightenment_ through your goofiness, but this is… a stretch."

Yeah, I just wanted an excuse to splash around in the fountain, honestly. The water looked _good!_ Also, _ice elemental_ , so this cold water's actually really good.

"...Yeah, probably." I agree with Genkan _this time_ , yo. "Freakin'..."

 _Splish- splash, splash!_ I kick water around while I search! "Doo. Doo. Doo. Whe~re i~s it…?"

 _Splash!_ Ha-chan leaps into the other fountain nearby! "Hehe- _eee~!_ " She leaps out! _"Co~ld!"_ Aww.

...I round the fountain again, and find Ichigo-yuki staring at me with _no words._ She's just _puzzled dude,_ watching my _speedrun strats_ unfurl and unfold before her very eyes.

... _Splash!_ I lob some water at her!

"Wha- _eea~!"_ She freaks the fuck out, and flails her limbs! "No!"

 _Fwash!_ Um…

She froze me solid. I'm in _ice,_ boy.

And _fuck_ does it feel good to be frozen in water. I feel like I just woke up again!

 _Cra- crack._ The ice shatters a moment later. Now some of the fountain is _frozen…_

...I glance over at Genkan, who's got one of those 'I don't know what to make of this' expressions. Since this fountain's on ice, I might leap about in Ha-chan's fountain in the middle of the _fountain saga._

 _Spla- splash!_ Leaping across the fountains, I end up in the one Ha-chan was trying to explore! "I'm a fountain _explorer!"_

...At this point, Maria's used to my _tomfoolery,_ so she actually makes an observation! "That feels good with ice resistance, doesn't it?"

"... _Ye._ " I give her a nod of my head as I crawl around in my _new home_ dude. "Imagine if I had water _and_ ice resistance. I'd like _live in this_ fountain, dude."

The rock looks kinda weird in this one spot of the fountain. I kinda trace my fingers along this line, and step on the smooth interior stone past it with my _hand-_

 _Zi~p!_ Wha- woah, shit!

 _Splash._ I almost fall into the new opening, my upper body _actually_ falling in before I frantically _double jump back-_

 _Thud._ Ow. Landing _outside the fountain_ , on my _ass_ , I freakin'... slowly get back up. "Ho- holy shit." Face soaked. Oof...

Did- did we _actually_ find a Duke Nukem secret in this fountain. What the fuck.

...Peering over the edge, the fountain's interior shows me a square shaft filled with water. I~... can't see how deep it is, there's no light from here. A deep black abyss in the water. Uuh.

"I found a secret." I state in _abject disbelief._

"So you have." Genkan starts to round the fountains to observe, too…!

"Ooo~!" Ha-chan tries to leap into the secret!

 _Splash!_ She sinks into the water-

 _Spla- spla- splash!_ " _Eee- aah!"_ Instantly she begins flailing wildly, freaked the fuck out by how cold the water is-

 _Za- zap!_ She shocks the water on the way out! By doing so, she illuminated the _stone way_ in the dark path beneath. It was like a person-sized shaft that stopped at like seven feet in- or _less_ 'cause water visual physics, and then it went _under_ the fountain.

...In the air above us, she shivers, holding herself. "Br- brr…"

The easy way to investigate would be my space suit, but I don't wanna get all dressed up. Even so, it's a watery abyss and that scares the everloving shit out of me. Wait, idea!

Taking out Youkai Inconveniencer, I dip it on into the water and channel mana into it…!

The~re we go. Yeah, that's a like… person-sized crawlspace, and it goes _out into the water._ Ee~h…

Wait. Idea…

...I grin at Genkan and her tiny friend! "Someone freeze a _bowl_ onto my head, and make sure it's like _air tight_ yo." When I need air I'll come back and smash it to pieces. If the crawl way's big as fuck, I'll just _pussy out_ and run back up early.

"I'll come down with you." Genkan decides! "...I can at least navigate geometry freely, with my flight. You might run the risk of getting stuck otherwise."

...This is a pretty _small_ crawl space, though. Not like some of these _other noobs_ can do anything, but it's going to be freakin' weird…! Man, if I was _Duke Nukem,_ water logistics would be literally nonexistent…!

Wait. "Seikatsu. Underwater mode!"

" _Unrecognized command."_ Yeah, that was _super_ pushing it. Well, anyway…

"Wha- whah…?" Looking around, Ichigo-yuki tries to find the voice of the invisible robot girl! "Who the heck- where?"

Let's just not tell her until I decide to make the girl visible again. "Seikatsu, _stay._ " If you try to follow me in and fuck the escape up, I'll shove fluffles into your circuits.

" _Stationary mode. Mana supplementary systems online."_ Whah? She gives _mana_ too? But… only when _stationary._ So you can turn her into a _dispenser,_ basically.

 _Fwa~sh!_ Ooo~h…! One of the girls makes a little bowl around my head! It's kinda jagged, and restricts my head movement a little, but I can breathe, so it's cool.

...Shakin' my head- and resisting the urge to take a deep breath- I let myself fall into the drink!

 _Sploosh…_

...Holding out Youkai Inconveniencer, I power it on, holdin' onto both the whip handle and the actual thing as I march unevenly through the like _just_ six feet of water down here.

On the outside of my ice bowl- which isn't leaking thank Christ, at least it don't seem to be- I can see the shifting liquid around me, and the uneven, ill-defined forms of the walls around me. Even though Youkai Inconveniencer is lit up, it's kinda dim down here with all this water in the way…

The shaft comes to an end, a dark void past it. In this open space, I can make out the dim glow of some weird blue boxes, their sapphire glow emanating out into the void, giving it a sort of ominous black and blue haze instead 'a just _black abyss._ I'm not sure which is scarier- _being in all this liquid's weird shit dude._

Oh my god someone's behind me! I turn my head back-

 _Spaceman from hell!_ No, wait, that's Genkan, with a fish bowl on too. She's _crouched_ 'cause of the crawlway, even if she's technically shorter than me. Her kimono's all _flowy_ and I can hardly make out her expression between these bowls and the light…

...Turning ahead, I make a _leap_ out into the great unknown. If there's a blender at the bottom or spikes, I'm going to wring Eiki's throat in the afterlife.

My leap takes me across the crystalline blue abyss, and I have no idea where the hell I'm going other than from these blue lights around me.

...Then, I fall through the liquid. I can't swim for _beans_ , so-

Oh. I landed on a rocky bottom, black rock mixed with weird shards of wood and stuff down here…

Progressing towards one of the walls with the _blue_ , I wave my light about. Man, this thing does fuck and all down here!

 _Oh shit who is that_ hey there Genkan. Whenever she comes out of the darkness, I jump! Water freaks me the fuck out, du~de…!

...We come up to some freakin' _stone._ After walking along the wall-

Is that a _bookshelf._ Wha- what, why…? What the fuck!? There's a _bookshelf_ along the wall here! With _books!_

...As we walk past it, me gaining some distance from it-

Some books begin to glow a deep sapphire, and emerge from their spots on the shelves. Oh, hey there…

They're so bright they're hard to look at, illuminating the entire cave section we're in. As it turns out, this entire room is _boxy._ Up ahead there's a ladder out, but to the immediate right there's a hall of more shelves and shit, I think.

I have no idea how long our air lasts, so let's take that ladder up ahead.

...The books are friendly, apparently, because after they left the shelf, they just kinda hung in the water before us and didn't do anything. We've bonded, dude. That's okay; I really don't feel like freakin'... having stupid underwater battles where my helmet explodes and I drown in a million gallons of crappy cave water.

I'd probably survive if I was frozen solid, but I have _freezing resistance_ so that might be weird. Or if I got healed constantly, which _could happen_ but I don't _really_ want to find out what happens when you mix instant death converted to instant life with constant drowning. Eheheh…

Once we were far enough away from the shelves, the books went out and slid back into their spots. The ladder up ahead is illuminated by a hole of cyan, phantasmal light from above; probably the hole out.

...Reaching the ladder, I put away Youkai Inconveniencer, and start-

Genkan just tugged me up holy shit-

 _Spla~sh!_

We're outside the water on this side!

Kra- krack. Once we escape, the bowls on our heads shatter, allowing us to _breathe free._ Hoh…

...This room's dark, and the floor is covered with water; not sure if that was our fault. Some old looking bookshelves fit with _really aged_ looking books line some nearby walls…

Even so, it's not totally dark. Weird, small tiles on the floor provide the alien blue, phantasmal essence that keeps the room a dim tint.

...Turning around, I see a fixture for what looks like a _balcony_ beyond the water hole, except it's all boarded up. Walking around, and onto the deck of it, I can see a shallow pool of water amongst the lower boards. This place is fucking weird.

"Don't touch the shelves." Genkan immediately advises! "They're giving off… profound magical signatures." Those are the best kind!

Well, whatever, yo. Moving away from the deck, and past the small _area_ with the most wet floor bits, I walk towards the more front part of the square room…

There's a door to the next room. Also, these are like, _not_ Scarlet Devil Mansion-esque rooms. This room has like, royal green walls with blue trim.

 _Crea~k._ Swinging open the rich brown door, I come to a room with maroon walls, and similar blue trim along the top and bottom bits.

To the left, there's a _really_ crappy-looking bed. It's seen _way better days,_ holy shit. There's another door next to it, but it's boarded shut. We can fix that!

Next to the boarded up door is like, a _desk._ Some books lay on it, as well as writing utensils and stuff.

...To the very right of the room, hung over a large window to nowhere is… a _picture._ Who the hell's thi-...

That _moon crescent_ , yo. This is a portrait of Patchy! And… wow, that's a lot of table cloths she's wearing. Too many, in fact! What an _old ass_ portrait. I say this 'cause like… she's got her hair up _classic victorian_ style, which makes her hair give her head the shape of the alien from Alien.

Also, those _tiny circle glasses!_ Who's she, Ben Franklin!? Ho ho ho! Also, this _realistic facial expression_ compared to anime land we've got going on over here. Early installment weirdness, dude.

...She still looks bored, so I guess that hasn't changed. She's trying to do some kinda savvy hand pose with her quill she's holding in it, and it makes her look _pretty young._ That's like something _I'd_ do.

While I've been staring at this picture for ten thousand years, Genkan's been looking around the room. Water's flooded the lower portion of it, but after surveying the area near the picture…

We both look down at a treasure chest!

...I look at 'er! "You think it's booby trapped!?"

"I've never just _happened_ upon a convenient _treasure chest_ before." Genkan gives me a dry response. "Probably."

...Stepping around the side of it, she crouches.

...Then, she slides back on a dime! "O- oh."

Uh. "What's up?" It's booby trapped, innit…

"...It's not trapped." Genkan informs me. "It's _alive."_ What. Oh, shit.

...So. What do do, yo.

Taking out Youkai Inconveniencer, I just kinda… _hang back._ I flare it to life to bring _light to the room,_ but that's beside the point. "Should we, a~h…"

"It's wet." Genkan observed, since there was a pool of water along the bottom of the room. "I could freeze it."

"Lemme wet it _more."_ If this is _Patchy_ we're talking, we might as well overkill it if we're going to like… _fight it,_ or try to get in.

...Taking out Deep Blue, I turn the valve-

 _Fwi~sh!_ A spritz of water splashes out, hitting me and everything around me! Hoh…!

...After swinging it around in the air a little, I get water all over the _living chest_ from afar. Freakin'... _mimics_. Spooky shit!

"I'm gonna try _geyser._ " I inform Genkan…! "Once it gets _geysered_ , freeze its shit, yo."

"Mmm." She holds her hands up and ready…!

...Kneeling down, I channel my mana for a good moment, feeling the hanger power up with my energy, and I thrust Deep Blue into the wood below-

 _Fwuu~sh!_ The small geyser erupts under the chest, super soaking it-

" _VREA~R"_ _Holy shit!_

A purple eye insignia flares to life on the top of the chest, and the 'mouth' snaps open! Flickering black jagged _somethings_ make up the mouth of it, and _it begins floating into the air_ -

 _Fwa~sh!_ Genkan's hands flash with blinding light!

 _Thunk._ ...We've frozen the chest solid. This does not help us get what was _inside_ the chest, how-

 _Krack!_ Oh holy shit it broke free-

The eye on its top flashes red for a moment-

 _FWAM- FWAM- FWAM- FWAM! Oh my god swaths of flame holy shit holy fuck-_

 _Fwa~sh!_ It's frozen _but who cares fire fire holy fucking fire bombs fuck me fuck_

I flop into the water and start rolling around oh my god oh my god

 _Fwa- fwash!_ More freezing but not on me…! "Nn- hnngh…" Genkan whines in the background, her kimono smouldering…

I- I'm not on fire anymore, but _fuck_ …

I can't stand up. It's like being on fire just… sucked everything out of me, even for a moment. Holy shit…

 _Sploosh._ I flop into the water- _actually_ I'm alive enough to not drown in an inch of water thank you very much, but fuck…

 _Krack!_ The thing frees itself-

 _Fwa- fwash, fwash!_ Genkan messily freezes it again! "N- no! Not aga- again!"

 _Kri~ng!_ She thrusts a big ice blade from the floor-

 _KRA~CK!_ The ice shatters with great volume, the mimic reeling back in the air! " _HRANHK"_ What is that _noise…_

The top rigid, the chest sags in the air as the eye glows cyan for a moment-

 _Ti- ti~ng!_ Then, it flashes a blinding white.

 _Fwa~sh!_ Genkan freezes it again. "Ju- just…!" She's _shaking._ Fire _really_ freaked her out…

 _woa~sh…_

The mimic begins glowing, and a big, blue and white magical circle lights up under us, the circle itself bigger than the bedroom we're in…

 _Fwoa~sh…_

Snowflakes billow up from below us. I start to get _raised off the ground_ by the circle beneath us-

 _ **FWASH**_

…

…

…

 _Kra~ck!_ Oh- holy shit, what happened…!? I'm lying in a pile of _ice!_ What the hell happened there!?

...Standing up shakily from my _ice chair_ , I sta- _Genkan's frozen_ , somehow-

 _Kra~ck._ Not for long, apparently.

 _Kra~ck._ Oh shit _the mimic is free again-_

 _Kri~ng!_ An ice blade erupts from the floor-

 _SPLATCH!_ Black, flickering energy splashes from the chest as the top is blown off-

 _FWA~M!_ The room shakes as more black energy billows from it…! It like _exploded_ in a fountain of black miasma and flickery shit.

Thu- thunk. The partially frozen chest exterior plops down into the few inches of water below it, the top flopping alongside it.

…

"We- wha…" Genkan's still shaking. "...Ok- okay."

I feel great, but I'm also scared as fuck. I think I'm shaking too, from all of that. "...I- I'd whistle if I knew how ta! Holy _shit…"_

"This was a mistake…" Genkan stomps over to the chest, shaking her head. "We may as well loot this. Damages." Yeah, whatever. We fought for it, so it's ours now. Fuck it…!

My body shudders from an unnatural cold, as if where the fire licked me was like… weak, for some reason. Damn. Fire _really_ fucks me over.

Alright. What could _possibly_ be in this chest.

Looming over it, me and Genkan peer inside…

There's a key, an _old_ _book_ , that _big dumb cloth hat_ , one of Patchy's crescents, and…

There's also a star-shaped sea shell in here. Also, some of that _black matter_ from the mimic's fuckery is left over as a shard in here. Picking it up- oh my god, my hand tingles. We~ird…

It took like three-four instant freezes, and two or three of Genkan's asshole caving ice blade eruptions to kill this thing. This motherfucker was made to _last_.

What's this book. I flip it open.

...French. _Handwritten_ french. I'll get Ha-chan to read it for me later…

"Old belongings." Genkan looks _drained._ "...Some magically attuned, but still simply _knickknacks._ Ugh…"

I pick up this _key_ , yo… "It's a ke~y…" I have no more wit to spare. Getting fried fucked my brains out…!

...Genkan hugs herself. "At least that ice spell took care of my dampness. Nothing's more annoying than water… except for fire, obviously." You don't freakin' say, yo…

...I walk up to this _uncovered door_ in the back of the room just past the mimic. While I pocket some of this _stuff_ of Patchy's, I try to open the door.

Wiggle wiggle. The handle knows the wiggle, but it doesn't know _open sesame_. There's a big dumb keyhole-... wait, _no._

No~.

Taking the key from the mimic, I bring it up to the door… and insert it. Twisting it-

 _Cli- click._ Unlocked.

 _Crea~k_. I swing it open, a~nd…!

 _Omf!_

...Ha-chan barges in from the other side and glomps me! "I heard booms, and I was _worri~ed!"_

The door lead right back to the clearing where we started. The door was _locked from the inside._ Literally just an _unassuming door along the wall_ that was _probably_ unopenable from the outside, but we never even thought anything of passing it.

Ichigo-yuki roars in next, and leaps at Genkan! "Don't _di~e!"_

"Nnh…" Genkan catches her awkwardly. "Yo- you're a little _late_ …"

So. To recap, I got a _poofy hat,_ a moon crescent and a sea shell, an old book… that _worthless key_ to what is likely only this room, and a black mimic fragment. I'll hold onto that key, though…

"Wha- what happened in here…!?" Maria walks in, and notices the freakin'... actually, this place wasn't damaged much at all by the shitstorm. Ironically, everything in this room was like, more elementally attuned than us or the mimic. Except for the bed, it's literally gone now…! There's also some holes where Genkan's ice blades came out of…

"...We went _swimming._ " I nod at her eagerly. "We found _pirate doubloons_ and _buried treasure_."

"I changed my mind." Genkan steps up to us… "Find a lounge. So we can _sleep._ " S'a little early to be sleeping, innit…!? Although, if Genkan lets me _lie on her_ like last time, I'm pretty sure I'd be game to pass the fuck out. Her embrace is _love._

"I slept on the way here." Ichigo-yuki springs off of her, and shakes her head as she floats before the floor. "You can't go to bed now! We're in _vampire territory…_ " _Bat country,_ son.

"We're owed a nap for whatever just happened." Genkan begins to drift from the Patchy room.

"I've got an infinite naps card." I inform the friends. I'm pretty sure so, anyway! Remilia lets me fuck around 'cause I'm a weirdo!

...As I try to move forward, Ha-chan gets in my way…! "I'd like to snuggle…" Aa~h!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Aa~h. Speakin' of 'aah', we're still in the halls after all of that…!

...Walking up to a wall, I fuck with it by pressing my hands against it repeatedly. "Doo. Come on. Doo. Doo. Where i~s it…?"

"No more secrets." Genkan commands! "No. Not for awhile. We've come here to relax, not loot at our own peril."

She's ri~ght… I probably shoulda considered that _sooner_ , but we all got wrapped up in the freakin' _water exploration_ , yo.

...Getting away from _the wall_ , I hold up that book! "Who~ here can read Fre~nch!?"

"Ooo ooo, ooo!" Ha-chan snaps up to my side! "Me, me, me!"

I hand her the book. "Read 'em and weep!"

"...I don't wanna _weep._ " She gives the book a hard grin as she flips it open. "...Page one! I think. Umm… dear… ste-... ster~..." Ha-cha~n…!

 _Ster?_ "Star underscore?" Did Patchy watch Youtube, my boys!?

"No~..." Furrowing her brows, Ha-chan leaned in… "Dear stenun… reo… stenunreo…"

What in the nine fucks. "Stereotypical…?" I suggest?

"Yeah!" Ha-chan nods eagerly! "Dear stereotypical diary!" Oh shit. "...I don't… not? Do not understand daily… main-... something of diaries! As such, I suppose I will update… inside frequently! Or, frequently…? Infrequently?" Ha-chan, you're freakin' illiterate…!

Thinking about these little shells and things I got, I feel like something like the Sun Badge would do better thrown on a weapon than sitting in my inventory for me to _never_ use. That, or just randomly gifted to a friend. _Fifteen percent_ sun resistance, man. The best thing ever. Or I could get it woven into my clothes or something…

"I guess I'll…" Ha-chan continued to read the _good book_. "Talk about the paper I've submitted, to the college!" The college of Flufflehold. Patchy wrote _papers_ , dude! How _scandalous!_ "People don't write about magic a lot!" Aw. Yeah, I don't think so. "...So I am! I wanna show magic to the world!" I think Ha-chan's getting liberal with the tone, but the sentiment's there.

"Who's this _thing_ supposed to belong to?" Genkan regards the diary disdainfully…!

"Patchy knowy, dude." Patchwork novels.

"Truth be to~ld…" Ha-chan tilts to the side as she delves into the wonderful world of personal information brokering! "I'm actually pretty nervo-"

 _Thunk!_ " _Etaht!"_ Oh, shit Ha-chan hunches forward, a big tome hitting her atop the head!

"It's _rude_ to go through another's belongings."

Patchy drifts up past Ha-chan and swiftly reclaims the diary! "Although, I suppose I must… either _thank_ or _curse you_ , depending. I'd forgotten about that recluse of mine."

As she drifts past us to _gaze us down_ , I wave at 'er! "Yo ho ho~! You can't hide _secrets_ from me, dude! I'm a- I'm a _secret seeker._ " I like how the one book she straight up locks up in a mimic is her diary…! Probably her _old_ diary, too.

"Apparently not." After giving my party a once-over, she gives me a _stare._ "I have no idea how you found it, or who told you, but I would like answers."

...I gesture down to my still soggy kimono. "I jumped into those fountains to look for secrets, dude." Also, I kinda toss my arm back at the hall we came from. I don't think that helps, considering these halls! "I was trying to go for one hundred percent completion…"

...Patchy doesn't look like she gets it! "You were _looking for secrets._ You simply jumped into a fountain, and swam all that way through the darkness to… find a secret."

Genkan builds upon this information! "I've learned to not ask questions, at this point."

I mean, yo. I _did_ find a secret! "...I wasn't _expecting_ to find a secret, but when I found that pad in the fountain, I couldn't resist goin' for a swim!"

"Not even fairies are that dementedly curious." Patchy just brings a hand to her face, baffled…! "The water was _chilled_ and treated to be discomforting, as well. How did you not drown?" As her eyes scan my form, she makes anotha' deduction. "I can tell how you didn't freeze. For some reason, you and your friends are all ice elemental…"

Steppin' up to her with a jazzy strut, I nod comfortably… "We made _fish bowls,_ and put them on our heads. With ice!"

"So you jumped into a big dark hole full of water." Patchy reassesses, for some reason…!

"Ye." Noddin' again, I take that big dumb royal red satin hat thing from my bag. "Dude- you should do your hair like that again. You looked like the alien from Alien!"

"Oh, no…" She grimaces at the hat! "The mimic. Did it not trigger, or did it just break when you tried to open it? I knew I should've redone the magic, some years ago…"

Oh, it worked alright. It was good as freakin' new. "Daa~h. It was _fine._ " Freakin'... "More than fine. Never make that again…!"

"So _you_ made that." Genkan locks her gaze on Patchy!

...Lazily giving the yuki-onna a surveilling scan, Patchy seemed to calm a little. "Ah. I suppose it was serviceable, then. I see how you got past it now."

Drifting up to her, Genkan frowns! "I didn't take kindly to such a volatile trap."

"I don't take kindly to people touching my things." Patchy counters plainly…! "It was obviously out of the way. Anything that imperils you after you indulge yourself to such an extent is your fault."

...At that, Genkan looks away, dissatisfied. "I suppose. Even so-"

"I'd constructed it in a different time." With her diary between her arms, Patchy begins to drift away, slowly… "Whoever was to open it was meant to die. I'd only created it to appall and smite the petty thief or witch hunter, so it's no wonder that it'd fold to a yuki-onna. I apologize for the firestorm spell, if you saw it."

...With these things said, Genkan relaxes. "Hrm. It was… out of line for us to loot out-of-the-way quarters, as it was."

I floofle Patchy's big dumb satin table cloth abomination in my hands. "Don'cha want yer hat, yo?"

"No." Patchy hates it! "Feel free to make it a part of your demented ensemble. The less it's associated with me, the better."

...Realizing something, she twitches in the air, before floating up to me. "I'd like that key back, however."

Oh, yeah. That works, yo…

Taking out the key-

It snaps from my hand, and she claims it in hers. "Thank you."

Freakin'... "It's the key to my heart, dude."

"It can stay locked." She slides the key up her sleeve. "It was foolhardy of me to store such a key in a careless place like that. Anyway…" Looking us all over again, she gives us a nod. "That will be all." She begins to float off, turning away from us…

Actually! "Yo- hold up!" I bolt up ta her a little!

...She half-turns to me, and awaits words.

"Take us to the library, yo." I've got some _ideas_ , yo. "And-..."

Looking back at our party, I, uh… where's Ichigo-yuki? Oh boy oh boy, yo. "Yeah." I just kinda look back at her awkwardly…!

...Wordlessly, she begins floating ahead again. I guess we're following her! I gesture for the nugget friends to come with! "C'mon, yo…!"

…

Genkan speaks to me once she catches up to me. "Have you seen Ichigo-yuki…?"

"I was gonna ask you!" I haven't! Freakin'...!

...Patchy gives us a brief look from ahead, before making a very ginger face of realization. "Aah. Sakuya abducted her while you weren't looking."

Oh. We'll go pull her from the lost and found later, then. Wonder why she did that…

"...That's one way to get her out of my hair." Genkan seems to be okay with this, too!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Library land. The land where dinosaurs roam the earth…!

Following behind the slowly drifting Patchy, we eventually reach a clearing of books pretty promptly. When following her, we got to the library in _one_ deviating turn, and got to this clearing from _one_ awkward right turn in the library. Freakin'...

This was the first time Genkan's seen the Voile! She's just kinda _agape_ , following us loosely as she runs her gaze over all the tomes as we pass them.

Oh, and Maria too. Her eyes are wide, and she looks a little excited!

...Coming to one of her many desks of fun, Patchy turns to us. "...Your party members are enthused."

"Ye." Apparently! "They really like books, I think."

Patchy snorts, as she starts to find her way into her desk. "Picture books, I take it?"

"Picture boo~ks!" Ha-chan flings her arms into the air next to us!

"We're not so simple." Genkan objects to being compared to Ha-chan! "Give us something to read, then. I'm well read, I'll have you know."

...Patchy's lips curve a little! "Are you…"

Three books float down from above. They're all unmarked, except for the rightmost one, which is black with some faint, glowing blue lines drawn on the top cover in a creepy lookin' circle.

"Take your pick." Patchy offers. "I quite prefer the one on the right." Ahah…

...Brows furrowed, Genkan takes the red book in the center instead. "What's this one called?"

"Open it and find out." Patchy's playin' tricks…!

...Glancing up at her uncertainly, for just a moment, Genkan folds the book open.

...After flipping a few pages, she allows herself a small smile. "Ah. Clever. I don't know what language this is."

Patchy snorts. "Mmm. What languages are you able in?"

 _Yuki-onnanese,_ dude. Letting the book drift back into the air, Genkan moves for the black and blue one. "Well… Japanese. We're speaking it right now. You'd think you would intuit my preference…"

Genkan folds the book open to the first page-

 _fwoash_

Holy shit black pours out of the book-

Genkan thrusts it away-

 _FWAM_

The black envelops my vision, lashing out-

" _FVREER"_ What the _fuck is tha~t!?_

Curves of teeth and an uneven spatter of pink, inhuman eyes flash into existence _right in my vision like still images fuck fuck what the fuck is won't go away-_

S'gone. No more black, no more eyes. What the fuck…!?

...As I look around, I see Genkan's created multiple slapshod ice spikes around herself. Maria's shaking, waving her staff around in fear, and Ha-chan's just _pouting._

"That worked on me the _first time…_ " Shaking her head, Ha-chan was not impressed. "You can get around it if you _close your eyes._ " Whah. I think I _did that_ , and it didn't work!

...Patchy looks _pretty damn smug._ "Fairies are a peculiarity in comparison to such a basic darkness spell. Not that I would need humane fear to scare you."

Ha-chan blinks. "...I don't understand what that means!"

"Wha- why…!?" Maria yells at her! "Why would you..."

"What a… _basic_ , but effective spell…" Genkan lets out a shaky breath. "I thought you wanted me dead."

"People tell me that a lot." Patchy takes that as a compliment, shifting against her desk all _energized_ and _smug._ "...If you feel vulnerable, it's because that strips your magic defense, too. Being scared is bad when faced with magical opponents."

"...Is- is it, really?" Maria's instantly more curious than freaked out. "...Wh- why?"

At her questioning, Patchy just kinda takes a moment to consider a response. She's probably surprised she got questioned! "...Magic is, for many intents and purposes, as much of a mental capacity as it is an effort to contort the physical world. While fear of simply being struck is natural and not something which affects processes, irrational fear or overwhelming panic does. Especially that which is dealt from dark ailments. It will reduce one's capability to defend against magical attacks. Holy magic has similar results, except it instills a feeling of hopelessness, reducing your magical offense and abilities."

Huh. That's good to know…!

You know what, the next time we encounter Shimokoa, if she still tries to maul us, I should use Swordbreaker to try and get rid of her physical damage. I don't even know how that works.

...Maria slowly stepped up to her desk. "Do you… know a lot about magic?"

This prompts Patchy ta just giver 'er a _blank stare._ "...Do you know who I am?"

"I don't think so. No?" Maria shakes her head innocently…!

"...Hah." Sitting upright, Patchy takes a breath, resting her arms on her desk. "I am Patchouli Knowledge. I've been called the Enigmatic Source of Magic… as well as the Unmoving Great Library." Y'know, who _does_ give Touhous their fun names...

"An' some people call you _fluffy."_ I strut up to her and rain on her parade!

"Hush." She waves me off…!

"Aah…" Maria realizes something! "You're… _that_ Patchouli."

"...How many others are named that?" Patchy looks genuinely perplexed!

Her words make Maria snap to her senses! "Well- none, but it's just… I didn't expect to meet _you_ here."

"...I live here." Patchy replies bluntly! "Well, regardless… you seem inquisitive."

"Ah…" At that, Maria fidgets a little. "I guess. Sorry, if that makes you uncomfortable."

"Hmm?" The apology kinda takes Patchy aback…! "Do not be sorry. I'm more than happy to sooth a curious mind, given proper timing and drive on the learner's part…"

Hoh, hoh. Yeah, my party seems to get along with Patchy well. S'ironic, 'cause I'm nothing but trouble for her!

...Genkan's looking up at the third book that was advertised to us, which is floating up in the air and out of reach of us. Stepping up to her casually, I nod warmly. This attracts her attention…!

"I do wonder why the two of you are following _him_ around." Patchy refers to me, bringing her hands together on the desktop…! "Your minds and manners are night and day compared to his."

...Maria gives her an awkward smile! "We follow him around 'cause it's fun, I think. He's also not mean or anything."

"A _yuki-onna_ , though…" Patchy gives Genkan an almost wry stare…! "Your species is typically known to despise humanity, and yet you've chosen the starkest contrasts to the valor you typically seek to follow. Are you not uncomfortable?"

...Genkan furrows her brows and grins! "Your words are very _general._ And… I've been taking this time to observe the world around me. Brad here is…" She seems to choose words _carefully_ , yo, glancing over at me and my _eternal smile._ "He's not a bad person. Maria is quite brave, to harsh things with us, as well."

...Ha-chan looks over at her! "And what about me!?"

"You're insane..." Genkan tries to resist grinning…!

"I feel like…" Patchy's speakin' prompts me to look over at her again, and she looks sorta _exasperated._ "Something, somewhere has gone wrong if Brad is your anchor for sanity."

Genkan snaps her gaze to her. "You should see the human village."

...Shaking her head, Patchy raises a finger and looks placated. "Point. Hmm."

...We're cuddly folk, dude. I wanna nuzzle Patchy's poofy hat.

"What the hell!?" Oh, hey, it's Koakuma.

We turn to her, as she rushes into the clearing holding books! "...It's _you!"_ Looking around hastily, she hobbles up to Patchy's desk with the books, and works to set them down.

"Did you find the dark volumes?" Patchy asks her plainly…

"Ah- yeah, all six…" Relaxing, Koakuma daintily places the books on her desk and backs up a little... before grandly pivoting to us again! "You _fuckmuffins._ You really think you can show your faces-"

"Koakuma." Patchy interrupts her rant! "Sit."

"Wha- nnh!" Koakuma's forced to sit on her legs! "...Lady Patchouli~..."

"This conversation's actually going well." Patchy explains! "If you ruin it, I'm testing obscure statuses on you again."

...At that, Koakuma gives up and lets herself rest on the floor. "Nn~h. _Fine._ " Hoh.

Shaking off the succubus's presence, Maria focuses on Patchy again. "...I'm wondering if… you could show me some things. Ma- magical things, that is."

Raising her eyebrows, Patchy stares at her for a moment. "...Sure." Hoh!

While the mighty magi gets up, I hear Genkan stifle a yawn behind me… "Before you two… get to any activities, I would like to find rest somewhere."

I'm gonna want something to do, 'cause I'm not tired! And, as nice as getting hugged into oblivion by Genkan is, I feel more apt to get inta some stupid shit today. Start some trouble, y'know what I'm sayin'...!?

...Patchy looks over at her to consider her words. But, before she says anything, I interject! "You got any _suggestions_ for me, yo? I wanna get inta trouble _tonight_ , yo!"

...After a moment of thought, Patchy's dull expression lights up! "...I believe I have something that would help with _both_."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 82

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Robot Demolisher, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Factory Disassembler, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Village Revolutionary, Has Forgotten What Half of These Titles Stood For, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Hard Winter - A earth/ice elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the big, orange shaft-like hilt.

PRIMARY WEAPON SKILLS:

Jack Hammer - This weapon can be used as a jack hammer!

Attack Up - Attacks can be magically charged for bonus damage.

Generic Buff - The most generic of buffs. Boosts defense and attack moderately.

Gaia Seed - Basic earth magic. May make targets slightly tired. Creates downward push force on targets.

Tundra - Spike of sturdy ice which might throw people off balance. Might shank someone who slips onto it, though!

Ice Shard - Advanced ice magic. May freeze enemies. Creates ice magic in their body, and freezes the air around them.

Combo Plus - User gets an extra hit artificially, if they want to!

Combo Jump - User can easily cancel out of combos.

Frost Trail - User leaves frost in their trail, particularly while jumping.

NON-EQUIP SKILLS:

Lucky Star - Non-elemental attack that does very random damage to one target. Star that drops from abo~ve!

Scent Pillow - A spell taught by Koakuma. Summons a pillow endowed with the user's love fluids… which, for males, is, euh…

World's Wimpiest Fireball - A spell learned from a book given to me by Patchy. Summons a _really_ , genuinely terrible fireball that only ignites the weakest of fairies.

Lumen - Low-grade holy spell that eats all my mana. Requires a source of holy to actually be cast. Homes in on an enemy and deals a burst of mediocre holy damage.

Double Jump - A skill I got somehow! Allows the user to jump twice. Avoid fall damage, maybe!

Perspective Holder - Um…? I am the primary perspective of this story!

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I would like to know where it actually puts all my stuff though…

==o==

WEAPONS:

Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.

=o=

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! Boosts the power of holy skills.

SKILLS:

Flash - Blinding magic. Works best on dark-elementals, but also works on youkai. Humans too, kinda.

Flashlight - It's a flashlight! Might blind dark youkai, I dunno…

Shine - Basic holy magic. Generates a holy orb in the target's body, which hits 'em with raw holy and stuff...

=o=

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. Has a grate slapped onto it, and a steel block! Sparkles, too…! Oh, s'also got _strings_ , man…!

SKILLS:

Gust - Basic wind magic. Pushes the feeble…!

Fairy Dust - Weapon status effect replaced with fairy dust. Wind attacks with this weapon get fairy dust all over the enemy, debuffing their sinuses!

Bootiful Instrument - I can play music wit' it, dude!

=o=

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious ruby red gems and crimson metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites things on physical attacks!

SKILLS:

Flamethrower Plus - A jet of fire. Freakin'... what do ya want me to say!?

Fume - Makes hot air fume from the earth below. Might sear the feeble.

=o=

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Boosts the power of wind skills. Pushes air on swing!

=o=

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Boosts the power of water skills.

SKILLS:

Freakin' Leaks! - Can produce limitless fresh hanger water…!

Geyser - Basic water attack. Gush of water erupts from the earth and might fling the feeble…!

Valve - I can control the water flow with this!

=o=

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from dark shards. Glowy red runes on it…! Boosts the power of dark skills. Decreases user's defense and increases attack. Can cut things!

SKILLS:

Revenge - Non-elemental cleaving attack that increases in power when health is lower.

Bloody Mess - User bleeds faster and longer.

=o=

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Made of a lot of weird freakin' parts and stick bits and piston things…

SKILLS:

Boom - Hitting stuff makes booms!

Danmaku Pellet? - Can shoot a yellow pellet, for some reason.

=o=

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself, along with some shoddy enchantments! Lowers defense slightly. Slightly electric and holy elemental.

SKILLS:

Panic Attack! - Run faster when health is lower!

Magic Attack - Physical attacks are converted to magic attacks, and fluidly pass through objects.

Combo Jump - Allows the user to transition to jumping while mid-attack.

Aerial Plus - Forced aerial support! It's vaguely easier to hit aerial foes with it!

Air Slide Plus - Lets the user awkwardly air slide.

Glide - Replaces Brad's double jump skill with gliding.

High Jump - Increased jump height while running.

=o=

Fragile Flower - A cute hanger with floral designs and light colors. Aesthetically pleasing!

SKILLS:

Enfeebled - Wielder has halved physical defense and offense.

Cleanse - Basic healing skill which cleanses one target of all debuffs or status problems.

=o=

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF Maverick Blaster - Harmless foam dart gun toy. When I focus with it, I can fire danmaku NERF darts! Upgraded with an eagle feather and Hina's talisman to inflict confusion and bad luck by default. Negligible non-elemental damage.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy…

==o==

ARMOR:

Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means business, son. Hopefully helps hide me better in the freakin' brush…!

STATS:

One hundred fifty percent ice resistance.

Fifty percent freeze resistance.

Fifty percent dark resistance.

Negative fifty percent fire resistance.

Negative fifty percent burning resistance.

=o=

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

STATS:

Seventy-five percent time resistance.

=o=

Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.

STATS:

Fifty percent sun resistance.

One hundred percent freezing resistance.

One hundred percent blinding resistance.

One hundred percent electrical stunning resistance.

=o=

Lunarian Prototype Space Suit - A suit meant for combat in deep space. So far, it's only got the whole 'exist in deep space' part down…! Has an oxygen tank, but that's only useful if you wear the helmet to go along with it.

STATS:

One hundred percent electricity resistant.

One hundred percent freezing resistant.

Randomly casts Zero Gravity when it feels like it.

Zero Gravity - Area of effect spell which removes gravity from debris and the feeble!

=o=

Lunarian Prototype Deep Space Helmet - It's a freakin' _space_ helmet.

STATS: (alone)

Fifty percent blinding resistant.

STATS: (paired with Lunarian Prototype Space Suit)

One hundred percent electricity resistant. Again, yo!

One hundred percent resistance to burning and poison.

=o=

Testing Oxygen Tank - The oxygen tank used by the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit. Lasts for two and a half minutes! Not meant to actually be used outside of testing, but it's possible. Refills automatically in breathable air.

=o=

MP Prize Pin - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field. For awhile only the user(s) of this badge may pick them up, but after a grace period anyone can.

STATS:

Extends prize grabbing range!

=o=

Sun Badge - A badge that looks like the _sun._ How interesting, dude.

STATS:

 _Fifteen percent_ sun resistant. Wow.

Fifty percent resistance to blinding and electrical stunning.

Replaces the on-impact effect of all weapons with Sunfire Flare.

Sunfire Flare - Flash of light that blinds everyone. Doesn't work on the sun-resistant.

=o=

Stock Outfit - Blue, long-sleeved shirt with a huge V-neck button-up collar. Blue sweatpants. Most balanced outfit.

STATS:

Negative five percent wind resistance.

May make the wearer tired.

=o=

Reimu's Outfit - Shrine maiden clothes, dude. Holy resistant, but I dunno how much! Even comes with the bindings and tubes and ribbon 'n' everything!

Reimu's Ribbon - Man, that's cuddly looking.

Hakurei Arm Sleeves - How do you wear these.

Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Gravity Boots - Boots that reduce the user's gravity! More like, propels them off the floor a little. Reduces the effectiveness of space statuses on the user. Really weird to control…!

Retro Patchy Hat - A _really old_ hat of Patchy's. Properties unknown, so far!

==o==

CONSUMABLES/OTHER:

Twenty seven thousand, nine hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!

Four Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Mega Potion - Youkai-like regen for thirty seconds… except for the whole family! Applies to entire party. Good for when we all suck at life!

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Three Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on debuffs, though...

Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Rope of Red Bikinis - Wahaha! Gonna getcha, son!

Some Fancy Key - A key lent to me by Brittany. Wha- why. What's it for…!?

Youkai Exterminator Badge - I still have this, dude! Yo ho ho! Allows me to not be considered a youkai by most guardsmen!

Bone - I got it from a _frozen reindeer_. Why's there only one…!?

Moon Crescent - A really old moon crescent Patchy used to wear. Properties unknown…!

Star-shaped Sea Shell - A neon yellow sea shell that sounds like the ocean if you hold it close. Gives off humid air, too!

Black Flickering Fragment - Piece of one of Patchy's old mimics, which we gored. Makes my hand numb when I hold it. Weird shit...

==o==

RANDOM CRAP:

Tables and Furniture - Impromptu furnishings!

==o==

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I really have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

==o==

Genkan, the Yuki-onna - A bitter yuki-onna from Gensokyo's wildlands, mostly active in the winter, and on particularly cold days. Heals from ice damage. Commands powerful control over frost, and has a wide variety of ice-affinity attacks. Weak to fire and burning.

SKILLS:

Ice Control - Freely use ice to make stuff. Inherent one hundred percent ice resistance. Negative one hundred fire and burning resistance.

Freeze - Instantly freezes one to two enemies. Low chance of working on stronger foes.

Creaking Freeze - Generates a spinning, magic snowflake in an enemy's body, which instantly freezes them after a moment. High accuracy.

Glacier - Erects a massive blade of ice from the ground, dealing incredible physical ice damage.

Triple Glacier - See above, but on three enemies! As such, costs triple the mana!

Ice Spin - Spins and lashes out with chilling frost. Probably just an extension of her normal frost powers and not an actual skill…

Ice Shard - Advanced ice magic. May freeze enemies. Creates ice magic in their body, and freezes the air around them.

Snow - Make it snow locally. Very minor ambient ice damage to everyone on the battlefield, including allies. Has a low chance to instantly freeze someone for no reason.

Yuki-onna's Embrace - Hug. Binds target close to her. Makes the target tired, severely lowers accuracy and magical defense, and makes them comfortable. Skill may only be performed by yuki-onna. Negative facets reduced by ice and freezing resist. Someone with over a hundred resistance will be buffed and healed by it…!

Yuki-onna's Entombment - Final, optional stage of the hug…! Guaranteed instant death inflicted by the draining of vitality. Heals the user for the heat taken from the target. Does not work well on bosses or the instant death resistant. Instant death proc is nullified if the target's ice or freezing resistance is over fifty percent. Skill may only be performed by yuki-onna.

Other Skills - Probably has more spells, but freakin'... I dunno her like a textbook!

INVENTORY:

Absolute Zero Kimono - A better version of the stock yuki-onna kimono. Has new trims and stuff!

STATS:

Two hundred ice resistance. Genkan only receives one hundred since this is her stock apparel…! Still adds up to two hundred 'cause of her Ice Control skill… and being a yuki-onna and all.

Negative one hundred fire and burning weakness. Doesn't affect Genkan since this weakness is native anyway, but oof.

=o=

Two thousand yen - Her remaining total after spending money on our upgrades.

Bagged Money - Some money Reimu got for us, to pay for our _irreversible trauma_. She's friendly, dude. We haven't counted it out, yet!

I dunno - What would I~ have if I was a sexy ice woman?

[unknown spaces remaining]

==o==

Maria, the Actually Ordinary Magician - A villager from the human village. Used to run the most impoverished bar ever, but that fell under or something. Really low self-esteem! Resistances and weaknesses depend on equipment. Can cast basic elemental spells!

SKILLS:

Fire - Small, homing fireball of doom. May ignite foes! Doesn't do much damage.

Blizzard - Spread shot of big snowflakes. May chill foes.

Thunder - Random spread of bolts in an area! Zaps people…!

INVENTORY:

Pine Frost Staff - Made with pine wood and an icy reagent. Also good for bonking things! Twenty five percent ice resistance, one hundred percent freezing resistance. Negative fifty percent burning resistance.

SKILLS:

Ice Shard - Advanced ice magic. May freeze enemies. Creates ice magic in their body, and freezes the air around them.

Blizzara - Big spread shot of myriad ice chunks, with magical snowflakes whirling around inside them. May freeze foes!

=o=

Casual Freeze Clothes - Casual, neon villager garb. Bright yellow shirt with a blue snowflake stitched onto the front, a bright blue skirt, and a tan vest. Looks about as garish as your regular Touhou, now!

STATS:

Fifty percent ice resistant.

One hundred percent freezing resistant.

=o=

Wood Staff - Good for bonking things!

Magical Lens - A lens that shoots _la~ser bea~ms!_ ...When you input mana into it, anyway, apparently. Gift from Marcus Kirisame!

[Travel Bag] - Inventory that exists! Does not take up inventory because it is inventory. Eight slots.

Two Mana Potions - Guess wha~t? It heals, except mana!

[four spaces remaining]

==o==

Hana, the Electric Fairy Maid - Hello again, friend! You're _fluffy_. Healed by electric magic. Immune to electric stunning!

SKILLS:

Little Zap - Basic electric magic. Zaps a target twice with static from above!

Random Electric - When pressured, uses random electric spells that exist.

Electric Control - With true power, she's able to stun opponents into submission by touching them, apparently.

Electric Elemental - Three hundred percent electric resistant. One hundred percent resistance to electrical stunning.

INVENTORY:

Hana's Fairy Maid Uniform - Stock standard uniform from the mansion! Cyan-tinted in places to match her hair color. Honh...

==o==

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

welcome back to the mansion

except this time it actually feels like we _GOIN SOMEWHERE YO DOIN' THINGS_

maria and genkan really add a lot of human balance to the story which is kinda necessary to _brad getting anything done_ because otherwise he just literally dicks about forever

hell we even got on _good terms with patchy_ which is a first in like forever since maria and genkan aren't about that _troll life_

also we found a bunch of cool crap in patchy's diary chest and got to _glimpse at her past_ yo

all it took was some seemingly perilous-but-not-really swimming, with maxed ice resistance and _fish bowl 2: the sequel_

also we got fucked by a mimic

the way i do fire magic, even of the greater forms, is that it just does its damage almost strictly with powerful DoT, as opposed to ice or thunder or most other elements where all of its damage is inflicted instantly

...i do this mostly because it's not only my party that's _super fire vulnerable_ who gets hit by it, but most humans and overworld things would get fucking wrecked if fire was flat damage

it also wouldn't make sense 'cause y'know _fire burns_ it doesn't _explodinate_

other notable exceptions include wind which just _doesn't really do damage most of the time,_ and water which is about the same- touching wind and water don't _typically hurt you_ , although both directed right can cut you or suffocate you or overwhelm you in some way

that mimic also cast absolute zero, which would've instantly killed me if i had anything but 100% ice resistance on

...150% makes it _el grande heal_ , if not a bit disorienting

oh yeah shimokoa wants to harass us

this would normally be a sort of tense and tension building plotpoint but we went inside the mansion and therefore shimokoa threw herself at the ungodly mansion defense the hard way and probably got apprehended; you don't just walk up and go "hahaha get outta my way sakuya i gotta outflank a boy in blue"

we'll see more of her later though yo don't you worry

oh yeah the patchy stuff at the end of the chapter

she's got her own trolly side when she feels comfortable with life and doesn't just want to right click to delete people from reality l :3

also i've been paying _more attention to my equips and things_ yo

ho ho

post-edit notice: fixed typos and some grammar, added just a few lines. not much to change this time around!

as always, see you all next time!


End file.
